comb.io - Clips

Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE!

I'm home! Who are you? We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins?

How do you expect me to respond? Lois, I think you're the most beautiful woman I ever seen in my life. Well, but then why have you been saying all these horrible things? Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless. And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it.

And then Jerry guessed that her name was "Mulva." That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends. You know, the way we just hang out, before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this. Well, I can't do it, but you know.

The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got? I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light.

MAN ON TV: We now return to The Superfriends' Accountant. Look, you guys are hemorrhaging money. This Hall of Justice is sitting on five acres of commercial real estate. How do you afford this? We're the Superfriends. Yeah, but you guys have no income. You owe four million dollars in back property taxes.

Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. (SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

Susan Boyle or a sex doll that's been passed around a fraternity? Well, have they been cleaning the doll? Please, these guys are Betas, they're total animals. Hey, I got one, Peter. What would you rather do? Tread water where you are right now or increase your net worth fivefold within the next 18 months? Huh? What? What are you talking about?

Sorry, sir, there's a weight limit on this coaster. Oh, really, what's the limit? The rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, there's just no way.

All right, Chris, Meg loves to listen to music when she sleeps. Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works.

" lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her!

"What naturally occurring element has the highest melting point ofall metals?" Cadmium? Sorry, tungsten. Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got?

Well, we just need to kick it up a notch. Horace, hit it. Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere

Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation. We'll have all this, and what else, Ollie? OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

Shut up. That's a real thing. (INAUDIBLE)

(GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING) You lose!

even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can.

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No! Did he at least die with dignity? Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor,

Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair?

Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!

But it's not like it's the first time you made a big family decision without consulting me. (WHISPERING) Yes, I'd like to see your quietest doctor.

but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best!

Jeez, Lois! Still with the piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here? Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how... You're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet.

but first, you have to do something for me. Eat this pine cone. - Well.... - Eat it. It will amuse me. - How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful. undefinedFinish it. Eat it. " hate it. Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on.

All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

I'll take the one on the right!

Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us?

You do not see that these days. You do not see that.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad? STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?

(DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)

Happy Halloween, fuck face.

It takes the cleaning woman forever to clean it. Was already broken.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch?

Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty...

All right. I made a touchdown.

Oh, that's just perfect. I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see. Anyone got more happy news? I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget.

and head on down to the ol' swimmin' hole. Ok, Listen up. Connie Demico's house is 2 stories. Now, if we set up booby traps here, here-- How'd you get these blueprints? Oh, Your mother has her ways. She has her ways. Can I have the blueprints to the Demico housE? Sure. Here you go.

We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch. We'll find another place.

(SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you!

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) Well, here we are, Rupert, Quahog's Summer of Love. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Look at me! I'm an Iraq War vet in 10 years.

Wait a minute. Brian, You have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate? A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio. See? I can make up words, too, sister.

I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend 5 days following stupid old K.I.S.S. around. It's painful. Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head. What? I'll miss you.

My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me!

That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him!

So, what was it like on the other side? Well, I met Jesus up there. Wow, what's he like? Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese. Really? Yup, Jesus is Chinese. In fact, his last name is Hong. Jesus Hong. Says he has no idea where people are getting Christ.

I am expressing myself! Now, get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter.

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge. (FARTING) Go ahead, mock me.

You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient? Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying.

Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they?

So, how's the writing thingy going? Terrible. I can't even get my foot in the door. Oh, Ok. I have somebody you have to meet. He's a producer. He's great. Really? Oh, Thanks. That'd be great. So, Do you like Sex and the City? Yeah. It's an all right show. I wasn't talking about the show. Ooh, I'm nasty! Someone send me out to sea!

Hey, guys. Everybody having fun playing with... What is that? A piece of wood with a nail in it. Neat. He can't hear you. There was a kitchen explosion today, and half the kids are deaf.

I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

I mean, come on! So that's what restaurants were like before desegregation. It was quiet. It was quiet. Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately.

You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter! If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take 6 months off my face.

You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek. Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins, but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.

What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and."

I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party. Your what? My bachelor party. What's that? You don't know what a bachelor party is? No! When you got married,

Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points.

Hey, look what I found. Wow, authentic Native American remains. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site. Hey, look, it's Robin Williams. (GIBBERING) Black preacher voice. Gay Elmer Fudd. (LAUGHING) The more you hear it, the funnier it gets.

Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking, when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related.

at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers.

Y0u know, The weird thing is, kissing Sam kind of felt right. But I don't know if I can face him again. Brian, what should I do? I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out! How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

(CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade. Are you as excited as I am, Tom? Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood and clipped onto this piece of wood is a list of this year's float entries. Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam. And here's our first float.

Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?

My husband died of cancer last year. Oh, my God! Awesome. Okay, I'm sensing some other bad stuff. My daughter was just in an accident. Sweet! High-five! (GASPS) You're awful. Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight?

They shine like sunny weather And they're close enough together

- The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.

And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine! Ding.

The demolition will begin in--Now.

You've got the best Spike Lee stories. What's that? You want to meet my wife? Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello. Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

Brian, there you are. Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago. Oh, yeah, he... He's... He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago. What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! (GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie!

Holy crap, Chris! What the hell?

She cracked three kids' skulls open!

No, i--i--I know. It's just, you know, I should be able to control my baser instincts. But...

You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. You know what, everyone? Forget it. Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. But after all this, Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 'cause right now I wish I was dead. If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

Probably got her legs up in sadness. (WATER RUNNING) Listen to her now, washing her face off in the sink after crying so much. Probably got tears in her hair, poor thing. I'll go up and talk to her. Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there?

Come on, Chris. It's just vodka. Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. Yeah, see? It's good. Well, ok. Maybe just one sip. Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol? Mister, you're in serious trouble. He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins.

What about my interview? Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

No. It couldn't be me.

We'll see you in a little while.

(SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Hi there, sweetie.

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie. (SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby,

which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties.

MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy?

Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us. (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter?

Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

Permission to freak out?

The power outage provided a perfect cover. I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting.

- Go on. - Sorry. Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry. Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted. - Good. Now why don't you patch things up with Mr. Griffin by showing him your LEGOs, hmm? You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.

A kiss is still a kiss A sigh is just a sigh The fundamental things apply As time goes by

I met a girl, that's you, crazy for me I met a boy, he's as cute as can be Summer days driftin' away Summer days driftin' away To uh-oh those summer nights To uh-oh those summer nights Oh, well-a, well-a, well-a, uh Tell me more, tell me more

I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different. I just want to be. What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts!

"This is the hospital, and your mom's dead." And then, he'll be like, "What hospital?"

Lois, I think you've done all you can. Hard as it is to admit, it might be time to let Peter be where he belongs. What do you mean, Brian? We might have to release Peter back into the wild.

these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey,

"Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol.

Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant.

No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian.

Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"?

2 minutes to re-expansion. Dear God! I'll never get out of here in time! Move aside! I know a shortcut!

(SPLASHING) (CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. (EXCLAIMS) It's not really my cup of tea. Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice?

Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak!

Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself!

What do you mean, we can't get any reading on the shield? Man, only thing I'm reading is Cat in the Hat. Damn cat! That hat looks ridiculous!

What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.

Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? Were they able to contribute? Eh, you know, they did their best. What with their regular bleedings, when they got shot, did they even know? Look, guys, I'm not a hero. And I don't want to be treated any different than before. Just that you would say that means we should treat you different. Come on, guys, let's give him all our best food.

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN.

Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph.

You're all accessories to my escape. She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you?

Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.! I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows. I don't know. I thought you wanted to do a good show? If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent? I guess we can try that-- Action!

'cause I'm telling you toad is what Lando forbids Gotta give it all up or you're gonna see your whole life will hit the skids and your kids will be born without eyelids

Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something? Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab.

Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery.

(PUMPING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it!

Take a drink and you'll sink to a state of pure inebriation You'll be tanked like the whole Irish nation

Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter. Really? Well, that is interesting. Yes, and as a favor to the court, I've produced this simulation of how the killing transpired. I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker to play my daughter.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here. Absolutely. The children get to play our games.

(STAMMERING) Are you... Cheryl?

Who the fuck are these people?

(BUZZER SOUNDING) All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.

I didn't come all the way here to go to museums and shops. (STAMMERING) Well, I don't understand. Why'd you even want to come here, then? Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

(CRYING) Damn it, Brian!

We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf.

I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all.

he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah!

Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse. Look.

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche.

I don't have to take that crap from you, neck. You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die. You'll die if you do that. Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf? I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder. Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner, but you married a bartender with a kid. These are facts.

(ALL SCREAMING) Vegan places aren't real, right? No, they're not real. Or are they? Ahhh! Salad! (BOYS SCREAMING) Thank you for sharing, Leonard.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy

Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh? I never slept with Francois. What? But Peter said... Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter. I said she wanted to. Damn it, Peter!

(YELLING) (GROANS) Stop it! Stop it! Get off my husband!

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty. Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet. Now, few people realize that until 1928, there were no hoses, and you actually had to fight fires with your bare hands. I will now give a demonstration.

This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong? You got to get her running before you start running.

Chris, this is our house. Ah. Then what is for dinner? Pork chops. Excellent. Chris, have you been to any other houses? I have not. Would you like to come in? Please.

But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here. You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right?

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)

What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork?

You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

Hey, Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream? Yes. But no sprinkles!

Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out.

(SIGHING) I don't know, Peter.

This is turning out worse than Stewie's iPod commercial.

What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah Family guy

(CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug. (CONTINUES CRYING)

I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture. Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal. Well, I guess everything's back to normal Oh, man, not this guy again. Oh, man, not this guy again (FARTS) Fart!

I peed and pooped. You know, I read that they're opening a Superstore USA across town. Maybe you could get a job there. No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical.

Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

We don't need money because we have each other. Happiness isn't about buying expensive things, it's about being together. It's not about taking expensive trips. It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm. And we have that kind of happiness, Peter.

Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

You know, ever since you got that makeover... you've developed a terrible attitude. And all the success with the family band is only making it worse. The family band? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band. - Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.

You're an old man. You don't understand the young people. You're right. I'll change from now on.

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.

Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Ah, fudge. Wait, I know!

We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

(EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid. Oh, my God! Everybody, this is Joan. Hi. Hello.

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm.

It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

I know, but I've thought about this long and hard, and... (LAUGHS) "Long and hard." I'm sorry. Brian, please, please continue. This is just something I have to do. Well, where will you go? Well, I haven't decided that yet, but I promise I'll be in touch. (LAUGHS) Wait. How is that one dirty? It's... I was remembering "long and hard."

Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish.

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me. What do you think?

You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

I bet you muthafuckas will too

(LAUGHING) Derek, look!

I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex!

Now, take that hat off. (BAT SCREECHING) Oh, God! Your hair's all combed. Here. Let me fix that. All right, good. Now let's give you a pencil-thin douchebag beard. Oh, heavens! I look like a rake. No, you look like you don't care, and that's good. Oh. Okay.

(ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC They're as stuffy as the stuffiest

Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok.

Sure. That'd be great.

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound. Now try it again. "How do you do?"

I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no!

Could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready?

Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? Ah! You folks got a towel?

Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor." This is ridiculous. That never happened. Sit down, you rapist! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to wait until I've heard everything.

Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah! Ahh! uh, ahh! Ahh!

And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go? (Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men.

All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"? Hey, I got a lot on my plate, man. I'm learning to use the toilet, I'm learning what shapes are. I spent half an hour laughing at my own feet yesterday. Yeah, you're losing it, man. You're losing your edge.

Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards!

I don't want to do this. Go!

(SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING) There is nothing more precious than a baby's laughter.

Stop it. Stop it.

And now, straight to sleep.

You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad. Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal?

I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? You're cute. Done. As we say in Ireland,

Where are we? Ford's Theatre, April 14, 1865. Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic. Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.

I didn't know who I was until I heard this album. (HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Gay people have every right to get married.

The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA.

(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked.

Hi. We here at Family Guy want you to know that we respect all living beings and assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of this episode. But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance.

All right. Saltshaker up the nose. I got pepper. Ha! Ha! Yes, I win! That was fun, Dad! I'm the man!

I hope you like it. Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor.

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

Boy, she's pretty pissed. Who thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons? Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you? Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers. But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it.

Goodbye, big fart.

I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter. Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there. I hate to see you so upset.

This is Trisha Takanawa,

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?

What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right. But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf. Usually Peter would break the tie. (SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting.

(CROWD SHOUTING) My God! I'm a tomato!

You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! Ahh!

Let's get the hell outta here. Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left

You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify Oh, yeah I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself. One time, I took a library book out, and I fells asleep reading it, and I left it under the bed. And I forgot about it for three and a half years.

Y-You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened!

Yeah, but, Rocky, there's a limit.

All right, I'll do it.

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!

(GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY)

I wonder what came over uS?

Mom, what do you do when you like a boy but he doesn't even notice you? Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit! Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.

Hey, what are you doing? Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING) (BREATHING NOISILY)

(HARRY GASPING) All right. Good so far. No, no, no, don't use the bats like that! No, no. Don't use them like that, either! All right, look. Just put them down and use your fists. No, no, no, not like that!

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what?

Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great. Brian on a date.

"And in the face of every adolescent challenge, "she looks at the world through hopeful eyes "and maintains an uncommon resilience that can only be admired. "In this sense, Meg Griffin is not the typical American girl. "She is far sweeter and kinder than that." Oh, my God. That is so nice, Brian.

white hydrangeas and Fiji water!

(IMITATES PURRING) (MEOWING AND PURRING) I think you're dreaming. No, I'm not. BRIAN: Stupid cat!

Oh, my God, look at that. Wow, that looks pretty bad. Is the Chinese guy dead?

(KISSING) Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic. Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. Wait a second. I'll be right back. Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?

All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder

I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint. Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart. You do? Of course. I just don't like you.

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.

Now, Mrs. Griffin, you should understand, a procedure like this is not without its risks. For example, here's what happened when we fertilized an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt. Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough.

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING)

You're out! Whoa! All right, Joe! Way to earn that parking spacE! All right! JOe!

I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster. Yeah, besides, they're still not going to let you on.

I was hoping that while I was gone,

when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch?

Reach for the sky, dirtbag!

Coffee for Brent. (CHUCKLING) Latte for Cecil. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly.

Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! Oh, I'll leave you to grieve.

Being a writer, I'm always exploring new possibilities. Wow, I could never be a writer. How do you do it? Well, you see, when I watch the world go by, I think of it kind of like a huge screen. You know, every little interaction, every little moment is another scene captured by this camera. That's fascinating. Oh, yeah. - Brian. - Ida.

I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time. And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise. The power outage provided a perfect cover.

You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke. I just work with what you give me. You might think we're in synch

One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on?

Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby. Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin? He died in Iraq. Sad.

Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS)

Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video,

Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird. I'll act however I want to act, you son ofa bitch! I'm sorry, Peter, I didn't mean that. Boy, I haven't been this creeped out since I saw that episode of Star Trek.

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

(PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs! (PLAYS OFF-KEY)

Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, just go to sleep, all right?

Aw, jeez, This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois! ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh... I'm gonna ask someone for directions.

Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction.

Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Um, If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes.

Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert. Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates.

Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad!

Wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow. Yeah. Well, then don't worry about it.

I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.

Yeah, everyone except Brian, 'cause he bought a Prius. What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?

Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING)

Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper!

Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great spot to get mugged. Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all my money out of both our wallets? Well, it's just good to have you guys here.

(MOANING) Gotcha! Now let's find out who you really are. BOTH: It's old man Barney Frank! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Republicans.

The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Oh, yeah, I bought these shoes from a company on the Internet, because they don't test on animals. Wow. You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankinD. What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms.

(PHONE RINGING) Penguin Publishing. One moment, please. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line... Out. Get out! Get out now!

Peter! You've been eating my legs?

And let me assure you, my racquetball game is no indication of how we do business here at J.T. Stern. (CHUCKLES) Okay, zero serving zero. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) I have to say, Peter,

Oh! What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls. Uh, Hello?

No, no, no, no, no.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.

It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter? Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down. At least you've still got Batman and the... It was Batman Meets... You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman!

You have to talk to these new bosses of yours first thing in the morning. Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with CHRIS. Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

On the subject of school lunches, I know there's been some concern about nutrition. (FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good. (FARTING)

Pull! Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson? Uh, Which Janet Jackson? Velvet Rope. Yeah, That one. Pull! Peter, What the hell are you doing with that thing? You wanna touch it? Go on. You gotta be careful though.

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah!

In fact, just to kick them a couple extra bucks, here's five seconds of Time for Me to Fly. No, don't! All the money goes to my bitch ex-wife! Can you play our song? PETER: Okay, lead singer from Asia. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no. That boy's ball fell out of the cup. Oh, but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta. Newport would like to extend a special welcome... to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding. There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"?

hey, What do you say you and me go roller skate-- Bike ride--

Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow The time is right It's day, not night Just open up your heart It’ll be all right Gonna buy me a rainbow

I like her. Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) And this is April's Child of the Month, eight-year-old Angus Reed. Angus was born with cerebral palsy. And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon. All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed.

(GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

Have a great assault. Jerk.

Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

Car. Car coming! We're clear. (BEEPING)

(BOTH GIGGLING) I prefer the Alpha-Bits.

But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right. ahh!

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

(SNICKERING) It's me as a pillow.

(IMITATING FANFARE)

Um, Hi. Can I help you? Yeah, Some company hired me to stand next to you all day, so you'd look better by comparison. That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah!

That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING)

Wow, You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you. I can't believe how terrific you look. Thanks. I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime. I'd love to. oh! The baby's kicking. Want to feel? Sure. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid! Peter!

Just look for the containers that say "KFC" on them. There's always something good in there. Dude, that's birds in there. You're eating another bird. What? That's bird meat, dude. What? No. You're eating a bird. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! (SQUAWKING)

I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter. (GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.

Man, these guys are elusive!

(INHALES DEEPLY) I'd, um... I'd just like... (EXHALES DEEPLY) (STAMMERING) When you lose... (SNIFFLING) There's so... There's so... There's so much...

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

All right, settle down. Good morning, class. Morning, Dad.

Chris, where have you been? Doug told me I don't need to listen to you. Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy... and get some astringent to get rid of that thing.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me.

And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it, but I'm kind of embarrassed by him sometimes.

And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

I'll admit it, I'm not great with that stuff sometimes. All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven?

Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

Now go impress that super-thrilling wish-fulfilling, Yoo-hoo spilling Ultra-swinging, boner-bringing gaily singing, ding-a-linging Stupefying, fortifying as of Monday, shoelace tying Stimulating, titillating kitty-cat impersonating Mega-rocking, pillow-talking just-a-little-crooked walking Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting For some reason, always shouting

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams.

I'll never forget you, Gerardo.

I am so mad I can't see straight.

Well, kids, I'll see you later. Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love.

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going?

Wow! No wonder people do drugs!

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

Hey, do you think maybe you'd want to hang out sometime? What, you mean like a movie or something? Yeah, or maybe lunch? I had a bad experience last time I went to the movies. We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis. No! No! I reject the premise of this!

Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car!

I was just calling to tell him my father is recovering well and the doctors say he'll be fine. That's great. I'll tell him. I'll be flying back first thing in the morning. That's great, too. Okay, bye, Bonnie. See you tomorrow. Bye. JOE: Who was that? Prank call.

Something doesn't add up. Just a minute. Time out. This ain't quite right.

All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur. Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No...

What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air You're a real pal, Jesus. Well, I'll tell you this, Peter. You ain't never had a friend like me. Me and Jesus

Uh, All in favor of "Bugs Bunny"?

Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it!

choreographed to the music of Queen. Oh, I remember that day. Huh. Should have gone to that thing. (GASPS) My petition! What the hell are you doing?

if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away.

I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.

They didn't care about you. Why should you care about them? The thing is, you guys committed a crime. And I've still got the evidence to prove it. Too bad I lost it. AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.

MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

Get the fuck out of my house!

Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter. Nice going. This dinner was a disaster.

You guys mind if I turn on the radio? Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you.

It's not my thing. Come on, Brian. All you gotta do is a few simple commands. And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby.

Oh, my God. Are you crying?

Hey, guys! guys, Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky. Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me? I'm with my husband! Lose the zero, get with the hero. Little violent for you, don't you think? Heh! I'll be right over there. We interrupt with this breaking news. After years of isolation,

Guess this is as good a time as any. (EXCLAIMS)

Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep. Oh! Hey. Uh... Didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here. This... This is Stephanie.

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie.

I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase,

You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.

(ALL CHEERING) Frank, there you are.

- You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car.

And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

Meg, stop it. Come on.

And I'm here to talk to you about rape. Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you. I'm not gonna rape you. I might.

Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument.

Great plan, Lois. Hey, here's a nutty idea. Ever read the Bible? Leviticus 18:22. Stewie, you're judgmentally quoting Bible verses and you don't even know how to read.

Somebody should stop him. As she retarded? Can you please leave now? Oh, now I get it, she's a moron. But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts. Shut up. that's not it at all. Say, Jillian, I love what you have done with the place. What is it? One bedroom, one bath?

and Greg became his slave? Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head!

I'm Chris and this is our band, Splash Log, and we're gonna rock this place until... (STAMMERS) Until about 9:30, 'cause that's when the dance is over. (ALL CHEERING) Evil monkey holds the key

PETER: Hang on! Okay!

Well, that's everything. Now, remember, kids Brian is in charge while your father and I are out at Cape Cod.

No toys, Stewie.

Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm gonna go work out.

(FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?

If you could hear yourself right now, you would not stop throwing up. You can't just put He-Man in Transformers' world, all right? He wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia, and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension. He can just take his rocket ship. Get out of here.

Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People.

Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Ok, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. 10 more reps.

I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood?

Is that a bracelet you're wearing?

(BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay.

And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn! I'm a monster!

There are tracks! People make tracks!

Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING)

"Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing. Signed, Peter Griffin, dictated but not read. Lois, read that back to me.

The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room.

I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat! I want them to have new hats! Kids, these are your father's wishes. Go ahead. Get whatever you want. That's easy. I wish I could see what Kelly Ripa was like off the set. So it shall be.

Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going.

Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago.

We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this. Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club. Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food.

10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

Could you let me go back in time and be 18 again? What, are you high? No. Coming up next on ESPN, Women's Professional... All right, you win. Let's go. But just for one night.

(CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing? It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois. I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning,

You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right?

You know, you're not gonna get away with this. Kidnapping me is one thing, but you killed Cleveland! You forget, I'm the one holding the gun, Brian. And you're gonna do exactly as I say. You mind if I ask where we're going? You'll know soon enough, Brian. The world will know soon enough. I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol.

Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear!

Pain in the ass.

Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no... I need more lemon Pledge. Okay.

Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog? Well, a stray. Thank you. Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now. Well, hold... Hold on a sec. We could probably let them go for just a few more minutes. (ALL CRYING)

- LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks. I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four... MAN: Hundreds and hundreds of years old. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God.

Yay! Thank you, Tree Jesus! Hey, Mr. Barrington. Oh, hello, Peter. I'm so glad you're here. We're shooting bald guys under 5'7" today. Hey, there's the guy who denied my health insurance claim. Sir, your nipples are fine! You don't need to reconstruct them!

Good. Having a nice time. Are you feeling terrific, or any variation on that word? Oh, sure. No complaints. My skin's a little dry. He's not saying it, Peter. (WHISPERING) What? No. Why would I say that? It's not even a word. What isn't a word? "Bonerific."

I have asked you here tonight so that you may perform a service. Ha, ha. W-What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack-off a guy? 'Cause I'm marrieD. Silence! Big Fat Paulie is in town this week to attend the wedding of my daughter.

Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness? What do you mean, honey? You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh? I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you. um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Down therE?

GLENN: Well, I think we made it worse. PETER: Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up. Brian, why don't you take Stewie while Meg and I go clothes shopping? You know, it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. " say, let me get on your back. Oh, for God's sake. Strong with the force, young Skywalker is.

Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. Now, look, Brian, there's a difference between being concerned and being overprotective.

Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless. And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it. I guess I thought that if I could bring you down, you wouldn't start to notice that you're too good for me and run off looking for another fella. Peter, that's ridiculous.

(LOIS LAUGHING)

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

Stop bullying people, Dad.

I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married. Therefore, there's only one thing to do. Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger... and bigger and then pops?

I shouldn't be here with Connie. My first choice was Meg Griffin. What? Meg Griffin!

And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time. Some things are worth waiting for. Wow. You're really a true gentleman. Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING)

(CROWD SCREAMING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) "I'm still hungry," said the very hungry caterpillar.

I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there.

Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here?

That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do. If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own. undefinedHow about a movie? " don't go out with dudes.

Oh, Peter Griffin!

I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to Islam.

That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes.

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS. Excuse me? Second request. Present hall pass.

Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING) All right, you caught me.

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself.

The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting. (GROANS) Come on, math, you dick.

Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score!

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed None of them be missed

Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street.

llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch.

And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING)

What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time. Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.

Death, put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite! I don't have skin! THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!

So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me? What? You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know?

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING) I don't wanna wait

I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing!

Haw! Oh, that was great! Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus. All right, class. We have a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin...

You had a heart attack, Daddy, but you're all right now. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool.

- When the night - When the night Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think

Revenge? See Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks, and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out! Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip? Mmm. I do! But keep talking.

Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man.

Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws.

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty. (VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Silence! Ever since you two met,

I choose to stay here. What? What? Meg, you are the most beautiful woman I will ever know. You have shown me so many wondrous things that have opened my eyes to the world beyond my home.

Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her. (CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie.

What? Dad, you were the one driving! I was teaching her to drive and she lost control of the car. Come on, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie. Come on. Give the kid a break, huh? Why should we?

For your information, Jillian is very bright, and she happens to be a very talented photographer. Oh, that is so lame. Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she is a photographer. You took a black and white picture ofa lawn chair and its shadow and developed it at Savon, you must be so brooding and deep.

This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher.

And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain!

Thank God for these airbags. You okay back there? I'm okay, but the midget inside me's got a head concussion.

You didn't tell her? Look, I told you she was gonna kill herself. What was I supposed to do? Let her. No, that's not funny. Wait a second.

(WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wow, Bonnie! You really took off the baby weight quickly. Oh, thanks, Lois. Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back? Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt. Mmm... That feels good.

Oh, bloody hell! All right, time for Plan B. Let's go!

And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?

Chris, Don't listen to your sister. Sticking your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up. Peter, you ok?

The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got? I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light.

What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!

Are we still going to the baseball game?

PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois.

(BEEPS) Oh, look at that. There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years. (ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in. (CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING)

Peter, you do realize you deserve this for the way you treated Joe? I think you owe him an apology. Are you kidding, Lois? It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society. But I'm gonna be different. I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done. (GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES PLAYING)

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor.

I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation. You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible!

Ok, disability claim.

I hereby declare this Stabby Eye Day! (SCREAMS) Oh, Adam, I'm so sorry! Carol, I love you and I can't live without you. Please, never let this happen again.

Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working!

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs. Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these.

- Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher. Dad, you... You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights. I'll take the one on the right!

My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way. - Marie? - Yeah, Donny? We cannot tell Mom.

Okay, if everything worked properly, this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say.

What? What is wrong with you?

What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels.

Oh, no. What? We just moved in down the street and thought we'd stop in and say hi to our new neighbors. Well, great to meet you. Come on in. I'm Peter. This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie.

Uh-oh. The police. Looks like I got some explaining to do. No, but how could I help you, Officer? We're looking for this baby. Have you seen him? I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop. Have you seen him? No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Don't be so sure, Brian. I've slept with chicks all over the world.

Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you. Let us "Eh." "Eh."

Stop! All wrong! All wrong!

Oh, great, it's here. That mirror I bought on eBay.

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

aah! Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job. You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson. I didn't want to overload her on her first time out. Besides CHiPs is about to start.

You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?"

Huh? Hit it! Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather...

Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it.

Who's got the greatest gal around? You do! Who's got the sweetest man in town? You do!

That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat them with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss.

He wants to have sex with me so bad. (LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to. (LAUGHING)

That's for me ever having doubted you. A-plus!

I'm so sorry, Peter.

Well... It's... I have my cell phone. No, we have your cell phone. Give her the cell phone, Brian. (SIGHS) There you go. Merry Christmas! Yeah. Merry Christmas. It has all my fucking contacts in it. Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face? Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? (GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan?

I won't, I swear! (SOBBING) Stewie, calm down. Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on The Price is Right. ANNOUNCER: Lindsay, your showcase is all about relaxation.

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

He's golfing on our anniversary? Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse. Which is where your mother-- Don't say it! Your mother smells. seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping.

Oh, God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts. Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going.

Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye! (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) I'd like to have a beer with him. I'm voting for him.

Oh, this is going to destroy her! Just thinking about it makes me all giddy, like a group of women ordering dessert.

Oh, Peter, I have been waiting for this moment for 25 years! I haven't washed my hand since you last touched it. Oh, my God! That's disgusting! And look! Look! I left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom. It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive. But now I have you back...

Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art, and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

Hey, what about these? Good choice.

Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down. Not until I have my husband back!

Thanks. Hey, Brian! Smell my finger! I... I already can. Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.

And the season's over.

It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

Oh, This is pathetic, and all because you feel inadequate next to Chris. Don't be stupid. I don't need to compete with my son or his freakishly large penis. I'm a freak. Well, Don't despair. Let's just hang a tire on the end of it, and head on down to the ol' swimmin' hole. Ok, Listen up. Connie Demico's house is 2 stories.

I bet I could do a wheelie with these. How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours. $10, $2, $7, $4, $5.50, $10. Sold. Sucker. I would've gone to $15, easy. I am so stupid. Awesome. Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're gonna get hurt. Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job.

I have an announcement to make.

Yes, I like farts

Chris, dates... Battle of Hastings! I don't know. - Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know. - Cuban Missile Crisis! - No idea. Trail of Tears! Never heard of it. - Death of Charlemagne! - What is that? Treaty of Augsburg! I got nothing. Cortes reaches South America! Pumping a dry well. - Teapot Dome Scandal! - Sounds fake. September 11th, 2001! Also sounds fake. - The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad!

It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show.

Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. What's he expecting us to cut to?

Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity. Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh? - Hey, figure it out for yourself, man. - We're freezing our asses off over here. Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet.

Uh, Lois, have you noticed some spooky things going on ever since Peter brought that skull into the house? No. What are you talking about? Well, like the whole business last night with the TV. I'm just saying, maybe we have a poltergeist. Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts. It's all just...

(PETER EXCLAIMING)

JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you.

thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here! SecurITy bReach! Security breach!

(MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth.

but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

Such as Christianity enthusiast Mel Gibson, who has his own room on permanent reserve. A room which he barely uses. Barely uses, huh? Lois, I just got an idea! Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing. Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?

Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. (SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out. (GROANING ANGRILY)

You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great.

You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide!

(BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country? What? Payback!

Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

I'm so hungry I could eat this dead camper. Holy crap! Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet, but that's never stopped us before, right? (LAUGHING)

That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you!

Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

I ain't chicken to spend the night there! I ain't neither! And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight! See you there, pal! You can't stay in that house! Old Man Selberg's ghost still haunts it. Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens from years... ...of substandard housekeeping. It does not augur well for you. Zip it, egghead.

Hey, Kevin, can I see your Purple Heart? 'Cause I never actually seen one. One time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, but looking back, I'm not so sure that that was really a military thing. Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal. You know what I did with it? I threw it back over the White House fence. Wait a minute. I thought you said you flew straight home from Kuwait after you woke from your coma.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

I love you, filthy hobo.

My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go back to my place and rent a dirty movie. This is ridiculous. That was weird. Oh, well. Hey, let's compare breasts.

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on? Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan.

Because he is a Scot. Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge? What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking.

Hey, babe. What do you say? We going out Saturday night? Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly. Stewie, you're being mean. No. If I was being mean, when you opened the door I would have said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia."

Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off!

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Gosh, you're making me feel more important than a dwarf among midgets. Hey, can you reach the Crispix? Yes, I can.

Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Oh, no, you don't! Move your ass, Peter! You move yours! I made reservations with the maitre d'. Isn't that right, Cornelius? Lois Griffin, poop for one. I also need a poop. Do you have a reservation, sir? Yeah, I called a couple days ago. Who did you speak to? Dave... Al... Jeff... Ilium... Tonio?

Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens. Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose? Why not, Dad? It's just water. All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty.

Jeez, Cleveland. That must've set you back, huh?

Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything? Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here. Didn't you pass him on the stairs? Well, I hope the rest of you kids learned something today.

No intelligent defense of this unmitigated crap? Commercial! Ugh! I'm gonna get some graham crackers. Welcome back to K.I.S.S. Forum, Rhode island Public Access' most popular show about K.I.S.S. Lois, hurry! It's back on! Calm down, Peter. You know I wouldn't miss a second of this. Ok, let's take a call.

I know. It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp.

111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn!

It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way.

I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore!

(KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, you kids stay out of that cave!

What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants!

It's dreck and you know it. Oh, Don't have the guts to respond, huh? No intelligent defense of this unmitigated crap? Commercial! Ugh! I'm gonna get some graham crackers. Welcome back to K.I.S.S. Forum, Rhode island Public Access' most popular show about K.I.S.S. Lois, hurry! It's back on!

Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier?

I never got to wear it better!

So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know....

Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run! Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!

Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS)

Lois. You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing? I'm handing you a beer. You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here!

I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father.

You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

He gave me DVDs.

For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams! Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place. Hey, I just wanted to keep my bar. I built that thing so my friends would come to see me, not you. Is that so? Let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue to sing! And...

crap on those beneath you and undercut your equals. Well, then we just got to figure out a way to make you fancier than Barrington, so he's got to suck up to you. I don't know, Peter. That'd be pretty tough to pull off. We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds.

JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it... a time machine. E-flat, Salieri! E-flat! Go, Chris! Daddy loves you! I mean in a platonic way. I'm married.

Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it. I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free! Free?

Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple! Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic?

But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

Help! Help us! Oh, my God!

And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING) I'm Chris.

Stephen Hawking! Uh, Dr. Strangelove!

Oh, my God. That is hilarious. He is probably freaking out. God! I would give anything to see his face right now. He's probably all, like, "Where the deuce is everyone?" Well, I can't really do a good Stewie. Oh, my God! What kind of a mother am I? Peter, we gotta go home right now!

Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light.

and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal.

Would you like that, Brian? Huh? Flying puppies? No, Peter. Those puppies in there are mine. And I'll give anything to be with them. Anything. I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate!

I have diabetes!

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

You wanna hear my interpretation,

Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food. Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet? No. Time for some Tikka Masala. Doctor, I won't lie to you. I'm a little uncertain about this.

You boys are fugitives of my county, and I'm gonna take you back.

I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper! (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity! What about Peter? Yeah, Peter next! I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.

I got a story about a fat guy who's starving and bored. Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started. You're not gonna get dinner started. She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie?

to see You've got a lot to seE Brian, I've missed so much! I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!

But Dad, I was supposed to build it myself. It's a rule. Ah, Come on. Rules were made to be broken. Aah!

Well, I was right to trust you with it then. And this is called waiting in line at the movies. It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,

(CROWD SHOUTING) A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you.

Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip.

You lied to them!

And I don't care what no man from no Tennessee Valley Authority says, consarnit! Why are we watching TMZ? I hate this show. Keep watching. So what do you got? I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom at his nephew's play in Rhode Island. PETER: Richard! Hey, Richard! Hey, can I get your autograph?

Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is.

Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes!

Lucky there's a family guy

I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here?

'cause every afternoon she'd be bellyaching about her bloody duke. I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow. And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty. The Queen, eh? I'd like to mash my banger in her blood pudding. Googity. Googity. Glop.

Could you repeat that, please, Peter?

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face,

Don't get any ideas about Julio. I'm his number one.

I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world. All right, then let's eat. I know you all hate eggplant, but... What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)

Woodstock's over, assholes.

And Now back to the Movie of the Week, Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that.

He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. Most of them are fine.

Come closer. I see good food at competitive prices. At Big Pete's House of Munch. Stop on by. Unfortunately, they couldn't air it, 'cause it turns out M. Night Shyamalan was involved with September 11th. You know, Peter, my buddies and I have been looking for a new hangout.

What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa.

Too much play We went dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin' across the USA Dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin'

You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankinD. What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

Magnolia Cupcakes?

Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like to plow you. I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt.

Ah, This is sweet! Hey, Why are you putting a window in the middle of the factory? So Aunt Bea has a place to let her pies cool. Hello, boys. Today's pie is cherry. It'll be ready just in time for lunch. Wow, These guys sure know how to run a company. Look how happy those morons are.

Giggity Giggity Giggity!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth.

Meg, take Stewie upstairs!

Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like. Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact quahog police immediately. One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable.

Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!

You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this.

You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart! Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry!

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah!

good-bye good-bye good-bye

- Hey, Greg. - Afternoon, Mr. Griffin. - Mrs. Griffin out today? - Shopping.

See what I mean? This is not normal! You there, Bingo. It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his... I say, what's this? Volume! Volume! Look, what's the big deal? I mean, we're just a regular American family. We have family dinners, and we go to church together--

Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. It's okay, Daddy. I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. (COUGHING) Uh, listen, there's been a mistake.

I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down. And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town. That should be me everyone's talking about! Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children,

You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.

QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter. Okay, we still got nothing to eat, so it looks like we're gonna have to hunt animals for food. And since we have no weapons, I set up some traps and snares. Well, I was about to take a leak. - Can I go in that direction? - Yes. (SCREAMS) No.

WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!

Ah, Here's another thing: The book can also be a hat. And the other night, I had to do a...

I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car.

If it's any consolation,

A Japanese or something.

To the BatcAve! oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Damn you, ice cream.

We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance.

Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier. You were right to criticize Meg. She could not even handle this simple task. She's in there right now, taking a nap underwater. For God's sake, save her! My God, we better get her to a hospital. She doesn't look too good.

I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police.

Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA? I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

Your cynicism prevents you from ever being in a receptive state. Look, I'll prove to you what I'm saying, all right? Let me read you your horoscope. "You have a very strong emotional nature. "You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point.

(SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.

He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now! Somebody help him! Do something! Now she's nagging everyone. Does anyone have any medical training? It looks like his jugular is severed.

I realize I put a lot on you. I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this. But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time. Wow. Well, all I want is for you to be happy. You're my dad. And if you're happy, I'm happy for you.

JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook, and that's our ticket to... Hey, Brian. What's up? Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter. Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is.

Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.

especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall. What do you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey... Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas. What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next.

Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast. You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here. Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back.

Come with me. I've got a lot of tall, statuesque people I want you to meet. What's that? Oh, That's my son, Chris. He can't come in. Ha. He's fat. Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in.

Yeah, she really acted crazy.

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

Why are we dragging this out? It's 6:30. Go ahead, Peter. Go on! Be with your own kind! We're all gonna miss you, Dad! More than you know!

But before you do, remember, science has proven that within hours of conception, a human fetus has started a college fund and has already made your first Mother's Day card out of macaroni and glitter. (EXCLAIMING) But don't take my word for it. Just ask my little friend Ziggy!

That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead. Take them down! Yes, sir.

Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance? Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry. Are you sure you took it? Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't. No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you. You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it.

It's good to finally be off duty. Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire. Yeah, this is the Air Force graveyard, where old military planes come to die.

(LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys? They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING)

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Man, what a bunch of jerks. Yeah, we should call Ross and tell him, "This is the hospital, and your mom's dead." And then, he'll be like, "What hospital?" And we'll be like, "Saint Up Yours."

She'll be playing the role of Mary.

Hey, Peter, your 25th high-school reunion is next Sunday. Throw that away. I don't want to go. Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night. Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.

"David Banner, I just slashed your tires." I'm priceless.

All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto Takin' short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low And never let go 'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin'

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

Who's got the greatest love in the world? You do!

(LAUGHS) Really? Wow, thank you! This is great. Now I won't have to become a Mary Kay saleswoman. So, what makes these shampoos different from the ones at the supermarket? These shampoos have been in my car.

(SPEAKING ELVISH) (STAMMERING) Hey, there. I mean, it's nice to pleasure your acquaintance. I mean, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? I'd love to. God, he works fast.

I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

No, Diane, their insurance company.

What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.

Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want. (EXCLAIMS) Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle. You had your chance and you blew it.

I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate. I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

Your dying wish is denied. Thank you. Wait a minute. My son only has a short time to live. All he wants is his favorite show back on T.V. How can you say no? Mr. Griffin, everyone thinks their dying child is special.

You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids.

You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian. He's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc. Oh, God's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

We haven't made love ever!

Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance.

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

All clear, sir. Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like.

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great!

Jobs are for suckers.

You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house! Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec? Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue! If that isn't a middle finger to society, I don't know what is. I don't like it anymore. I wish I'd colored him red.

Chris, it's me, Meg.

Now, it says it's worth 8 cents, but really it's worth 12.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore! I think I got a wave here!

You know, I bet there's a part of you that really wants to be friends with them. Maybe. So Be nice to them. Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness. Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket.

Well, it's getting late. I should probably go. Brian, this is, like, our sixth date. I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something. No, I... Oh, my God, I'm so attracted to you. I... So why haven't we done anything about it? I just... You know, sometimes, taking things slower is better.

Thank you, Brian. Rita, would you like me to cut yours up a little smaller? Oh, I'm fine. Boy! Speaking of that, I don't know how many people have asked me today where I was when Martin Luther King was shot. I'm sure you've been asked. What do you tell them? Who can forget? I remember just crying like a baby. Crying like a baby? Or crying like someone in college?

This story could ruin your future, and I can't let that happen. I'll take the fall, no matter what. Goodbye, Meg. I'll always value your friendship. I love you, Mayor ChapStick.

Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God. I thought we were friends. The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook.

You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts,

Oh, hey, Oogy! Oh, you look tense. Well, Jillian, there is something we need to talk about. What is it? I just wanted to spend some time with you.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator. MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talking or you get busy dying.

(LAUGHING) Wow. Never seen that happen before. What the devil happened here? I've assembled that rifle a million times. Well, I don't know if it's just the rifle. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing. Brian, if you've got something to say to me... All right, I think you're going soft.

That's my foot, not my hand.

You're coming in too fast! Look out!

I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs."

I've lived in Quahog my whole life. I love it here. And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. Scumbag. All right, Lois, remember to feed the cat, and remember to get a cat. I still don't understand why you got to go all the way to Hollywood.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now. I don't believe we've met yet. I'm Carter. Uh, I'm Chris. CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this!

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone? We now return to Girlfriends on Lifetime. Barry was over last night, and he-- Don't tell me.

Oh, look who it is. Only 14 hours late. If you don't want to spend time with me, Peter, that's fine. But at least don't make me wait up all night for you. Lois, I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight. We can watch any stupid movie you want.

Daddy? Oh, God!

Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode. ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

Hey, I found the pool cues. (SCREAMS) Meg? Looks like I'm all alone. Well, hey, that's all right. I watch a lot of movies. I can just use my imagination.

You're gonna spoil your dinner.

Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. What's that, Peter? Nothing. Oh, The lost-my-job smells great. What? Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence? Peter, are you feeling ok? I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.

See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad. Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin.

Hello. Hey, Lois, what's up? Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up at the end of my shift. Oh, gotta go. First fare of the night. I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one!

Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that.

Right into the bumper.

taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born. (ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?

QUAGMIRE: Oh, she's so ugly! I don't want to get in that. Peter, I'm not gonna do it. Deal's off. Deal's off. No, it isn't! QUAGMIRE: Yes, it is. I'm gonna spread my legs, and yours will pop through. You better not. I am. I'm re-jiggering my position right now. Oh, no, you don't! (BOTH GRUNTING) What the hell is going on here?

What's going on down here? Uh, We're playing house. That boy is all tied up. Roman Polanski's house.

I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

NARRATOR: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained... by two separate yet equally important types of shows. Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of e veryda y situa tions. ' ' like trying to fix your own plumbing or in Viting two dates to the same dance. And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.

You know Neil Patrick Harris got the job on How I Met Your Mother 'cause of that movie? You know, I've only seen that show once, but I gotta tell you, what's really weird to me is why is the voice of the guy from the future Bob Saget? I mean, the guy on the show, he's already an adult, you know? So it's not like he's gonna grow into Bob Saget.

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat It really hurts bad And so do skin grafts Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell

Hey, I saw your sign. - So, you're open? - That's right. - What do you do? - What do you need? - Milk. - We have milk.

Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese.

no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite.

Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit? All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this? That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question.

Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing. Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?

That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers.

Stop mocking me! What's this?

Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight.

Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.

Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

Come on, kids! We got to get down to that TV studio! Okay, yeah, just step on the coloring book. That's cool. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me.

Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it. Hey, Mort. Now that the end of the world is here, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh? (ELECTRICITY SURGING) (GROANS) Psych! (LAUGHS) Embedded in the hand. Yeah, you see, it fits in there 'cause there's a hole in it.

Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death. What the hell is this? It's a boy!

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart!

Peter, I want you to retype those... Wow. What is this? Have you been cleaning? Yep, I'm working extra hard so you'll promote me. Well, based on your track record, you'll understand if I have trouble believing you. Believe it, Angela. I hate being just a cog around here. Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money.

No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair. Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points. But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose?

Lando's cool Yeah!

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning

Hey, Meg. What are you doing here? Listen, Sarah, I got to get something off my chest. Wes! " need to open up. Sweet. So get ready 'cause here it is.

Road House. You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh?

(MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far? What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building. This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have,

But Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High, an egg drop conducted by teacher Randall Fargas seems to have gone horribly, horribly wrong. We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Well, Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

I am gonna party my ass off in here.

When are you gonna get rid of that stump? I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right? Just get off my back! She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs. Dad!

- No. - No, you do not, because Mark Harmon is cool. And I know what you're thinking. "Peter, this is just like your Gil Gerard speech." And you can stop right in your tracks, because it is not. Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it... Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is, and if you don't, that's your problem. Fine, then, I'll deal with this myself.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, give an indifferent East Coast welcome to the newest bull rider, Peter the Kid! (CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out.

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Sweetie, that's tuna salad.

(SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war." My God, look at you. Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot. I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris! We gotta call the sheriff! Holy crap! I'm on it, Lois! Sheriff's Office. Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down?

Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay? (GRUNTING)

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right.

Friends, family, and characters random, to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention. Ah, I love summer.

All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian.

I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them. I mean, how would you feel? Well, right now I feel like a jerk. Peter, if you really do care about your kids, you're gonna have to earn back their respect and affection. How do I do that? You gotta spend time with them and make their interests your interests.

Please turn to hymn number 487. (ORGAN PLAYING)

This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner city immigrants. (LATINO MUSIC PLAYING) (GUN FIRING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Peter, shh! It's starting. You must be Autumn Daniels. Welcome to Barncliffe school for girls. We're your roommates. I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.

Mom, I found Dad's first clue. I can't believe your father organized this. Usually he can't even handle simple tasks. Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

All right, start the torture. (WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off!

ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2

Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia.

but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.

I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

Oh, Yeah? Him and what army? The U.S. Army. Oh, That's a good army.

But we had fun at the Teen Choice Awards, right? I guess. Well, I guess we ought to call it a night. Come on, Stewie. Up to bed. No party? Oh, come on! I was gonna show a slide show of all those silly photos I took of Meg.

Mel Gibson's secret screening room. Hey, what's this? The Messiah, he's gone. Where did he go?

Help me, please! Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING)

Nice to meet you all. (CHUCKLES) You sound like the crab from Little Mermaid. I had crabs once. It's awful. You got to buy that cream that comes with a little comb. Of course I can still use the comb. Well, that's Quagmire.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

(SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)

See you, Stewie. Brian, please, can I go with you? It's so boring here. For the last time, you can't come with me. Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand...

10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

Hey, what are you guys doing here? (GROWLING) Artoo, play him the message. Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.

- PETER! - What? Are you sleeping on the job? No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

I am quite finished.

Me, too. I really value our friendship. You're not like those other Snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?

(CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college. And now to present the award for Sickest Onscreen Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness, Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls. Yay, Jesus! That's my buddy, Jesus.

- You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.

"Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me... not because you have to. Thank you, Neil. Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway...

No. No. Doggy afuera. You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Listen, I don't want to point fingers, but I'm missing about $1,000 in play money. I take. What? You took it? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back! Come get, bitch.

All right, Chris, Meg loves to listen to music when she sleeps. Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works. This had nothing to do with the harmonica.

Aft torpedoes, fire!

The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school?

All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time.

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

(MONSTER SNARLING) (LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS)

What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. This is my bit. These are all my bits. (SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong.

Tell Uncle Owen not to tell you that your father is Darth Vader.

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock.

No, I've heard them all. Oh, Look at the time. I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her. Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do. This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do.

Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it!

There's one of them now. Take that for stealing jobs from hardworking people! (SCREAMING) Dad, what the hell are you doing? We got a message for you. "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it." Actually, Peter... Gattaca! Gattaca!

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy.

Hey, Brian, care to place a wager? Tomorrow night on Fox's Celebrity Boxing, I've got Carol Channing beating Mike Tyson in three rounds. Carol Channing. You've got Carol Channing, the actress, beating Mike Tyson, the boxer. Hell, give me $50 on Tyson.

You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.

Playing songs on the harp. Of course most of them are about rape, but it's still nice.

you get stabbed in the butt.

No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh!

No, they ate. They're watching the movie. They're fine. Ok, everyone! This is a hijacking! Peter, could you move your arm, please? Just slide over.

(CARTER SCREAMING) That's the power of "please," kids.

You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house. STEWIE: What is this? There's something wrong with the house. I don't like change! Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard. Why not? Herbert did it.

Good for you, Peter. But isn't there someone else you should speak to? Yes, there is. Scarecrow, you've had brains all along. Same goes for your heart, Tin Man. And Kristy McNichol, come back to television. We miss you.

- Who the hell was that? - Hmm? There was another Stewie right there. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I've been so damn busy lately, my schedule's been so packed, I felt like I needed some kind of an errand boy to do all my nitpicky, pain-in-the-ass stuff, so I cloned myself. You... You cloned yourself? What, are you deaf? What... So he's an exact copy of you?

- Apology accepted. - Good.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

(SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven.

Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody!

What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby, when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch? Oliver, did you break this vase? No. The floor did. He's so cute. Hey, everybody. I-- Bobby, you get back in the garage! Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow!

(SNIFFING) Are you serving fish this evening?

Peter, what the hell is going on? You fired everybody at Daddy's company? You bet. Are you out of your mind? Keep it up, Lois, I might fire you.

I'm already bored and confused.

(ALL SCREAMING) My God! She's dead. She's been shot! (ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy. Oh, my God. It was him! It was James Woods! He killed her! Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer!

Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you!

Like when we were dating. That oughta take your mind off the guys. It already has. I wonder what the guys are up to? oh, That's nasty.

Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E

Like go on a road trip, find some adventure. Quagmire, that's a great idea! Let's do a road trip! Who's in? PETER: No. No, no. No, not you, Seamus. SEAMUS: Ah, poo.

Too late, I already narrowed my eyes. (MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice." God, Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? Why don't You teach her. Unless you Don't think you're up to it? Oh, yes, This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it." Well, I am! I accept your challenge! At the celebration of her birthday,

You know what? You can keep your Paris, France. I'll take Quahog any day. I mean, all that place is, is skinny guys rubbing up against you in buses and subways, jabbing you in the thigh with their thing. Yeah, countries is weird. But at least you helped save Joe and Bonnie's marriage. I know. Those two lovebirds haven't left their bedroom since we got back.

I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in.

He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe!

Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?

All right, very funny, Stewie.

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

(MESS AROUND PLAYING) Mess around They doing the mess around They doing the mess around Everybody doing the mess around

Now I'm Pat Boone.

Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally. (BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe.

The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now,

LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You...

For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

Who knows? I'm a baby.

Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

All right, I want to be very clear about this. You can meet her, chat for a minute, and that's it. In and out. Don't worry, Brian, if she is as ugly as I think she is, I'll look at her once, and then I'll go... (IMITATING RETCHING) All over the place. Then you'll wipe it up. and then we will go. Hi, Brian. Oh, my God! Who is your cute little friend?

Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh? Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl. Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door? Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance.

The only thing I've held you back from is failure!

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...

A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now!

Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman!

See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times,

Oh, Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh--oh, sorry, His "biatch." Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money.

And, oh, we got a hot one today. (ALL SINGING) Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?

Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think That love is only That love is only

No! You bastards! (CRYING)

Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry That's right. Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island

Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up! Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game. Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, My God! Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! - Look, buddy, I--i-- - Move! A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

I awoke several hours later in a daze.

But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off,

All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg.

Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

Only one way to find out.

Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.

Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes. Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.

This is dated last year. I just... I just had it lying around. (SIGHS) I don't know. Goes against everything I believe in. But at this point, I'm willing to try anything. (SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON RADIO) I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet

(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here.

Oh, crap! This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am! Hiya!

I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch.

Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Melon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know!

I don't know. Have him send Frank, or Glen, or Harelip Steve.

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS. Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes.

but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.

I'll just keep it in my pocket. Any other questions? Let's do this. That wasn't a question. Back of the line. Okay, let's do this. JOE: Hey. Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger? Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him!

JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass. The end.

MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

Emperor! Great to see you!

You can't eat a stapler--

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady?

Bobby Briggs, you're really good at heroin. How much heroin is here, Bobby Briggs? Why are you talking like that? Are you wearing a wire? Oh, you're dead, Joe Swansonson. JOE: My undercover name was Swansonson. Easy, Briggs. You kill a cop, they'll put you away forever.

Just like Inspector Gadget forgot about that one-night stand. Suzanne, we have to talk. Okay. Someone has made contact with me. Someone from my past, and, well, long story short, go, go, Guatemalan son.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie.

(MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome!

That's--That's not a riddle. That's... That's just terrible!

Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.

You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone!

Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die?

I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh!

(SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money? You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00.

Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite. You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Keep the change. Road House.

Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is?

(KNOCKING) No, yeah. No, I know it's late. I just need some tropical fish food. Come on. Where the hell am I supposed to go? You're in there! Don't worry, fish. I'm gonna take care of you, 'cause I know one day you'll do the same for me.

That was Tom Cruise.

Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs!

Hey, look at me. I'm walking. Ooh, I'm a remarkable man.

(SCREAMS) (GAGGING) STEWIE: Hey, fat ass!

(GRUNTS) I don't even want this now. Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS)

Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain! Thanks Ollie. And Finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. Trisha? Thanks, Tom.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty back to you, my friend.

I think my name might be Shirt Pants. Shirt Pants? What kind of name is that? I don't know. What's your name? I kinda think it's Manly Walker. Wheeler? No, Walker. Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right. It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know.

(BOTH GROANING)

Hi, Meg. Here we go.

This is a favorite by Men at Work. Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie!

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key. Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back.

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Enough of that.

(PIG SQUEALING)

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck. Boy, I've never been in the owner's box.

that your friendship was purely a result of circumstance. So I created a scenario in which everyone's memories were erased, to demonstrate that you and Peter would never naturally associate with one another. But I was wrong. It appears you two have a genuine bond after all. Wow. So, we really were meant to be friends.

Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck. Okay, Stewie, time for bed.

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery. Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning.

You know what? That's fair.

Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot!

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world. Greetings, loyal minions. (GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s.

Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it. You gotta da hot links? Come on, the Pope-a want-a da hot links. (GRUNTS) All right, who's ready for a campfire song, huh? Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame.

Real happiness because we have each other. Yeah.

Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite. Oh, Really? I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns.

Come on, Mom. Let's go. Bye. Thanks for coming. I'm gonna miss that boy. You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert. - Right? Right? - Yes.

I need about a dozen. Actually, better make it like 600. That's it, Peter! I'm not a servant. And I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies! Jeez. Where the hell did that come from? Watch the kids. I'm taking a hot bath. Put me down, you blunderbuss!

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah!

Forget it, Carter! Even Stewie says the book is good enough on its own. Right, Stewie? (GROANING HESITANTLY) Maybe do a song about why pot is bad. And that's why pot is bad (ALL CHEERING) I've heard all I need to make an informed decision.

ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) We now return to the end of a depressing 1970s sci-fi movie, starring a guy in a turtleneck.

maybe some that aren't so happy.

It's all coming together. It's all coming together. This is it. Our vision come to life. I know.

Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know.

Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh!

(BIRDS CHIRPING) ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Blind Justice. (ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife. While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it.

Nope, Texas state law. You have a nice day now. State law? God, this place officially sucks worse than the WNBA. And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult.

Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru. We will blitz the competition, and in no time, you 'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru right to a touchdown. (PETER SINGING JINGLE)

Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.

Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house.

(BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

Whoa! Whoa! How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

I don't want to eat lo mein where they were just changing mufflers. There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life up there. What a mess. I'm telling you, the Founding Fathers would be very disappointed in where their country ended up. Eh, it wasn't so perfect back then, either.

Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire? Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up, just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we? Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you.

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen. I'm so glad you like it, Chris. Would you like to try? Oh, boy, would I?

Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story, Meg. It's not a sob story! It's true! Oh, come on! You think I was born yesterday? I've dated convicts. I know how they talk. One day they're promising you the world, the next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during conjugal visits. Luke doesn't do drugs!

No, Glenn, that's not...

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah. You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. It's about pissing off Daddy. That's right. She's got a lot of problems. - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter. - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question.

Hey, Peter, what are you gonna tell Lois when she asks where you were tonight? Don't worry, I got it all covered. (BRAYING) (BRAYS IN REPLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!

No. Go away. Can I please come in? You have juice, and I want to sit in it. Shoo! Get lost. Hi, Dad. Chris, close the door, there's a... Oh, it's much nicer in here. I'm gonna float around for a while,

Hey, cats, is everybody cool? Sammy Davis Jr.? What are you doing up here? Whatever Frank tells me to do, man. Hey, Sam, get back in here and carry my golf clubs. Yes, boss. (LAUGHS) Ew. Seems kind of racist, doesn't it? No, no, 'cause Sammy's in on it.

If you're really sincere If you're really sincere If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right! Oh, baby! Oh, honey! Hug me! Suffer! (EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower.

I love you You'll never know just how much I care Yeah! And if I try, I still

Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck. The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that.

(PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

Yeah, that's what I've always guessed. I hate being all strokey. This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy!

(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!

You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got

You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

But I can't do anything about it. My device has been destroyed. Well, I've got one of my own. I can use it to send you back. Hold on, I'll get it. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! Who is it? I got it! - Morning, Peter. - Hey, Joe. Bonnie and I are having company tonight. Wondering if I could borrow some wet food. Yeah, sure thing. That's Joe. He's our local human catcher.

Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops.

Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming.

You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole. Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right? Okay, for real now.

Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys. Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter.

No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet. Do I... Do I hit him? No! Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you?

Lois says Stewie's been getting a little chunky.

Okay! See you guys later. I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING)

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn.

You guys, I think, for the time being,

Ah! Dad! Help! Help! Dad! Ugh! You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives. And After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis. Well, We take care of our own.

"David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops!

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off,

Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished. But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right. Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me. Sweetie, you really gotta... Looks like David Tua. You've really got to stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves.

Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me!

Husband? Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Come here, baby. Let's head upstairs and play hide-and-go-anal. (LOIS LAUGHING) Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up. I think I can explain it to you, Peter.

QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)

Um, g-Go get the medical dictionary and--and look up "fork" and "lung."

So, you're a cop, huh? Let me see your badge. Looks like you're a civilian now.

What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.

I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar.

I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this.

Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I guess. (IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, how does this taste? (CHEERING) Well, I guess she thought it was a no-pies-in-the-face kind of neighborhood. Wrong assessment of the neighborhood, sweetheart!

giving me the edge to find it myself. But What I did was wrong. And As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. Ha! Kind of tickles. Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes!

prompting a new slogan, "Once you go black, you go deaf." Sounds like there's a pattern developing, Tom. Oh, a pattern developing? Well, Diane, I guess you've learned a lot from staring lifelessly at TV reruns of CSI over the thrusting shoulders of whatever drifter you drag into your bedroom on whatever night CSI is on.

(SIGHING) That feels so good. You are an artist. Thank you. Lois doesn't like my toenails 'cause they stab her in the night. Hear that, Lois? Somebody likes my toenails. Good for you, Peter. Good for this family. Good for all of us.

Ugh! Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here. You're a worse parent than Britney Spears. I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD)

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

Hey, Lois told me there was some funny business. Yeah, what of it? Well, it's just... I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and... Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years? Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that? Say what, now? You don't deserve her.

He's on the road touring with Black Box. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody Well, wait a minute, what about that nice old man who lives up the street?

Plus we tally your text votes for the Biggest Whiff! and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

Carter, as your boss, I command you to have a viewing party for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory,

Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls.

Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed. Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ!

We don't even look the same! All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait!

Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. (ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael!

We learned in school that Miles "Chatterbox" Musket founded Quahog after he was saved by the magic clam.

You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn! Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened.

Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful? It's nice they put Joseph in there, even though he's not really the father. Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem?

I can't believe my baby's gonna be the Son of God. Looks like all those years fighting off my own father's advances have finally paid off. What shall we name him? Well, this is kind of like a barn. We could call him Barney. Yeah, maybe. Or I kind of always liked Tristan. Oh, my God, you want him to get the crap beat out of him?

Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian. You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Then you snip the fibrous tissue Hey, then you'll never have to wear a condom When you do it with your wife Or anyone else you do it with We promise not to tell Like that new hot chick at work You know, the one who always has high beams

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh! ahhh! Some other time, pal.

I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes.

This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job. Dropped some pepperoni on there. You know what? That works. Sew it up.

Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

GIRL: Ball, please. Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks. My God, she's incredible.

Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

QUAGMIRE: Look what we did. We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. Read it, Peter.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me?

Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable! Oh! Clumsy oaf! Michael Flatley must be turning over is in his grave. Wait a minute. He's not dead yet. "Michael Flatley."

but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny.

Right into the bumper.

AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

f hate you! f hate you!

Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell!

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

A ferry carrying a shipment of brand-new Mercedes-Benzes from Germany crashed and sank just a few miles off our coast.

(LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam.

No! You killed my brother! How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's--He's alive. Oh, Well played, sperm brother. Well played! He's more clever than I thought. Perhaps too clever.

Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING)

Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom. Ok. Ok. So how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.

Don't you think at some point you're going to have to let Rupert go? I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear. Brian, I'm one. Still? What? Look, I'm not going to Colorado. I'm turning around and going home. Fine, then. I'll go by myself. See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds.

And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you.

PETER: Michael was one of our brothers. He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a fat man. And now he's a dead man. And we're all next. The Fat Guy Strangler's gonna get us. He's right. Oh, my God. We're finished. Will someone tie my shoe? People, people! I know what will make us feel better. Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.

(GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine. Oh, okay, good. Make fun of his wheelchair. What? What? Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair." Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair. What's that supposed to mean? Say, "I bet you can't get a boner."

But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that--

My God, this house is freakin' sweet

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

They shine like sunny weather And they're close enough together That if they should so desire to create a little fire They could reach across her nose and give each other a kiss

If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

And this is the only time she's gonna be in town!

(LOUD CHEERING) Lois! You did it! I love you so much! And the winner is Lois Griffin!

Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team. That's a winner in my book. Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady. - Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah. - Can you move your legs? - Yeah! Oh, good. I thought you were gonna be a vegetable,

Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse? Lois, go grab me another bag of Skittles. - Excuse me, young lady? - Did I freaking stutter? " said more Skittles. All right. That is it, Meg.

So you're calling me a liar? Well, I'm gonna take the high road and stick to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave their feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Peter!

What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? I swear to God, Peter! You call her "Lois." Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd--

I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass. (BRIAN RUNNING)

(CAR ALARM WAILING) Son of a bitch!

Mom, it's been three months. When is Dad gonna get better?

I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom. Look, there he is. Dad, how could you? Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail, can we go in your room? Look, don't you kids buy any of this for a second. Your father is innocent. Oh, he killed her.

Well, that was a close call. You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Your daughter's a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away.

Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling. Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh!

Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me.

Okay, how about you, Meg, how are you doing?

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish!

Okay. Here it comes, James. Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those!

Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at?

And now our next item. Direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat. Oh, man! That's perfect! $12,000! $13,000! $25,000! uh, Sold for $25,000! Yes! Aw, Crap! Thanks.

(CROWD CHEERING) I'll finish it later. Yay!

Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully.

Oh, my God! Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable.

Why would somebody make that up, Lois? What's in it for them? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Mr. G. How's it going? Quagmire, what are you doing here? Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys. Me and Glenn are going out. What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis! Okay, you two have fun on your date.

I love Barry Manilow.

All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people. Nobody will buy it. There are no sharks out here. Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to, but I'm watching my weight 'cause I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again. Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

Oh, How I envy them, dog. They've got their whole lives ahead of them. Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris. Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my!

(GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I'm passing the story on to you.

OH... Let's not do this.

(ALL GROANING) Oh, no! Not again! We're about to do Jedi, aren't we? (SIGHS) Let's just get through this. (STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

oh. Ha. maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"!

I tell you what, Brian, if you want, we'll give you another crack at that. This guy single-handedly set political discourse back a hundred years. Hasn't the right wing done enough damage to our nation with the war, and torture, and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties? I mean, you know, back me up... Oh, and the economy, right? Back me up on this, you know?

thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here! SecurITy bReach! Security breach! I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls.

There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall!

Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now? (PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either.

But tha-that doesn't sound right. Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those! Hey--hey! Ow! Knock it off! H-hey! Get away from me, you dead crooner!

I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling!

I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company. D...

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay?

Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like. And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man. Not less. Now, get the hell out of my town.

Is there any more coffee?

Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there? That's right. Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident.

Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop. Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop! I need a plastic bag. Here's a thin napkin.

And When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. You say,

Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum.

Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that. Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!"

I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. You've got the song memorized, do you? So does everyone else!

Come on, we're all just trying to have a good time.

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

I don't want them. Take them.

(SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

- $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash. - Cold in here? - Nope, just really small.

I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants. (GRUNTS) All right, you kids finish him off.

('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING) Wow! It looks like Michael Jackson's coming right at me.

(CHUCKLING SHEEPISHLY) Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your lives. Uh... Yeah, I didn't read it. Hey, so you're the guy. (LAUGHS) It's actually... It's actually very popular.

A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal!

All right, this is bullshit, all right?

I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion. (MUSIC PLAYING) Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me.

(SENSOR BEEPING) Wait a minute, Rupert, there's a weapons systems cooling duct on the far side of the hull. If we can get just one good shot at it, we can blow that fat bastard out of the cosmos.

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally.

You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole! (SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count.

A very good-- Keep it above the waist, Doc.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man!

Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

Hey, baby, want some Adam West penis?

There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it, and I got lucky. But someone else could hurt themselves, and a small cut is a death sentence in these times, so let's just, you know, let's... Let's get these rocks out of here.

Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

"But you've already..."

Why am I standing under an air vent? Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..." - You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what's up, douche bags?

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano? Uh, Get my back, would you?

Lois, what you reading? The Red Badge of Courage. I sure wish I could meet a brave fellow like the guy in this book. - I'm a brave guy, Lois. - Oh, yeah? I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death! Watch me.

Go away, damn you.

Is that a thing? It's a great thing. (CHEERING) - Great job, Joe! Way to go! There he is! Hey, thanks, everybody. Hey, guys. Hey, Joe, I saw you on TV. Now I have to go through the five stages of having a celebrity friend. Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool! We are going right to the top together! Oh, you think you're better than us, huh?

Now I know some teachers think they're working outside the box when they have class on the lawn. Well, I'm gonna take it a step further. We're gonna do peyote in the desert.

Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin', and the victim's name is "theater." This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland!

Give us the pills! Hey-oh mother africa oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco!

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore,

(CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch. (FART) MAN ON TV: We now return to Britain's most popular game show...

Brooke, what are you doing here? Oh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those? You know, I don't even know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me. I'd much rather just be home listening to my old jazz records.

Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest toy, Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style, with his little hat and his Doc Martens. Uh, Thank you, Peter, that's enough. Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances!

My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to kill you.

I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl who loves abortion as much as you do. That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy. Oh, things will work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911. MAN: You think it's easy working all day?

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

(LOIS) Oh, Peter! (PETER) Yes! Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein. Oh, ha-ha!

You fondled me while I was asleep?

Coming up, children are getting sexier, and that's...

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap!

What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.

Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips? Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it. You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull. Uh, I'm not breast-feeding. All right, fine. God, you're pushy. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck. Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance. What's wrong with you? Look at me, everybody.

(LOIS SCREAMING)

You horse's ass!

Hey, Lois told me there was some funny business. Yeah, what of it? Well, it's just... I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and... Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years?

I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook! Get out.

What? All right. Let's get those reindeer hooked up and get out of here. Okay. The elves are bringing them now. (BARKING) (SNARLING)

Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." No, no, Stewie, go away!

Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. Oh, that's very Christian. - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you." - Now you're getting it.

As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that.

Oh, check out this uptight Asian guy. Look at that. (SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY) "I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)

(CHEERING) In photography studios. Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this.

She's gone. No! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back.

I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this. Maybe this was all a big mistake. You're damn right it was. Why did I ever agree to do this? This isn't who I am. I looked in the mirror this morning, and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before. Hi. Scott Bakula. Just take it easy, Quagmire. There's nothing to worry about.

No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard!

Slow down! I want to get there, but I want to get there alive!

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a

I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over. Do you see the wire yet? Over. No. No what? Over. No. Over. Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over. Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why'd you ask me if I could see it?

Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets.

oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies. So the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete. You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me. Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead.

So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all! "Of suns and worlds I nothing had to say "I see mankind's self-torturing pains"

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird.

Great party, Griff. Girls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks. Oh! I meant, have a Cheese Doodle. But... whatever. It's a party.

but it's obvious you're just another typical jerk. Denise, wait... Hey! Oh, my God! Two nights in a row! Oh, hi, Bettina. Thanks for the sex last night. But, just so you know, you didn't really get in.

Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well." Also, "Check, please!" Plus, "Open mouth, insert foot" and "Wait, if you're here, then that means... Oh boy!"

like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at... the bar. So just put my dinner in the fridge and I'll heat it up later. Love you.

I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game? Jeez, Lois. I spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing around.

Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

Okay, religion. Religion! You kill me, I kill you, we both go to Heaven! Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil."

In fact, Peter taught me that.

So, what do you guys wanna do now? Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang. Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg?

Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh! Morning theater fans! Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. What the hell is this? French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe.

Griffin, have you filed those shipping reports yet? Angela, Angela, come here. Check this out. Look at what this chick is doing to this polar bear. Wait, wait... Wait, wait, wait. It's coming up. (EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLING) There you are, Opie.

(FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there. Hey, listen, I really want to thank you guys for taking me in, in my time of need. Oh, forget it, Quagmire. It's the least we could do after what happened. (PHONE RINGING)

Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly (LOUD CRACK)

Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. Well, At these prices, I'm not surprised! That's it, pal! You are outta here!

I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself. But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy. ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch," text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2.

Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me, "and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff.

because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together. I won't, Brian! Now you get your ass back into that hippie car of yours and take me to the North Pole, now! Look, I know you're upset. Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus? Screw that.

Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super...

I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!

Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar?

My baby's pregnant. How could this happen?

Yeah, not to mention the theater.

Tonight a special report on the controversial attack on Alderaan. While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade.

Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know.

Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery. (SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!

Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets. Hey, Swedish Chef. Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on? I'm hungry. Oh, that's no problem. I could cook you something. You want some spaghetti? That's like my specialty in junk. Yay!

Doo-bee-doo-wah doo-wah When life is getting to you put some fresh in your life Let Mintos freshen up your life

You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck! All right, this is ridiculous. I need some help here. Hey, Quagmire? QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter. Hey, listen, we're at the movies and they're showing the trivia cards and there's a question up there that's just stumping us.

Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out. Sweet.

It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here. (EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having. That's better.

You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what, I just... I hope I didn't hurt you because I'd feel terrible about that. No, no, no. I'm all right.

Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans.

I want only positive feedback, please. Why does he have such a big red bum? Because it's funny, Meg! People will tune in to Handiquacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it. Why? Because it's relatable. They'll see themselves in it. I think the design is great, Dad.

PETER: "I got the idea from... From... "Well, from while I was smoking pot. "Anybody else who likes pot, reach for my joint." CARTER: "Oh, there it is! Give us some of that!" (PETER LAUGHING) PETER: "Perhaps later. "Now, let's go to France and steal all their objects de art." CARTER: (EXCLAIMS) "All right! Let's go to France."

You need someone to work with and... Well, I need someone to make me look good. I don't know. Fine! Refuse my offer. Get booted out of this place and wind up like Linda Evans. Linda Evans, we have A spill in Aisle 9. Linda Evans, spill in Aisle 9.

You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you... lubed up...toothpaste in my...cherry... Episcopalian... extension cord... wetness... with a parking ticket. That is the best.

Are you Brian Griffin? Yes. - I'm from the Vatican, and this is for you. - What is it? The Vatican has been holding this note for you for about 500 years. It was left to us by Leonardo da Vinci himself, with instructions that it be delivered to you on this exact date at this exact time.

And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her. Meg, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him. He's down by the old town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill!

I said get lost! Where's he going? Dad! Let him go, kids. You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE! Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it!

That ought to show you!

(BOTH WHOOPING) I think we got a show. Oh, yeah, we got a show. We definitely got a show. Oh, yeah, there's a show. MAN ON TAPE: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is,

He was the first black Guy I ever did it with. Oh, boy. But, pff, I went everywhere! Don't be depressed, Dad. Here. I made you a present. My God! It's... good. Really good. It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris.

What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time.

Fine at first, but then there was a complication.

(CHUCKLES) He's too big for that car. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING)

I must say I do feel a strange satisfaction... watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins. Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited. The black ball's done nothing wrong. If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Sometimes we all need to forgive!

Yeah! And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you You oughta know for haven't I told you so? Ok, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now. All right!

BOTH: It's old man Barney Frank! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Republicans. Thanks for all your help, Globetrotters. That was a cold swish. Put her there. No, no, no, no. (ALL LAUGHING)

(CAR ENGINE STARTING) (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? I killed you! I choke myself every day, you bastard.

We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops. Hey, It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner. But Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." Hey, How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? How about that?

You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts. No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts!

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.

I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby." Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok. Really? Who's Debbie Miller? A girl I just made up.

Oh, Wow! Were we just hypnotized?

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued? All right. Fantastic then. Wait. You know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out.

Boy, clothes sure are a prison, aren't they? Lot of drum roll for nothing. What's this? Ooh, candy!

I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing.

Oh! Holy crap! This is hot! Oh! Oh!

(THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING ON TV)

Thanks, SPIDER-MAN.

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

Hey, Brian, thanks for helping get rid of Miss Emily. Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing.

Consuela, I'm sorry, but this is not working out. We're asking you to go. No. I stay. I clean. You don't understand. You're fired. No. I keep job. Here. Here's $40 if you leave right now. No. I stay. God, she's more stubborn than you are!

(AS KARINA) Yes, well, that gives you no right to be a blaggard! Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that?

Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back.

The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something,

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was a big joke. (INHALES DEEPLY) I'd, um... I'd just like...

I wasn't trying to get the $26.

Well, I'd do a better job of it than you! Oh, you think so, huh? Well, maybe you'd like to try it for a little while. You be the adults! What do you mean? I mean, maybe we try a little experiment. You kids switch places with your dad and me. For the next week, you'll be the parents and we'll be the kids.

It's not about taking expensive trips. It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm. And we have that kind of happiness, Peter. Real happiness because we have each other. Yeah.

Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself. Boy, we really did a number on each other.

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No! Did he at least die with dignity?

Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go.

No, no, kill him. He's a baby. He won't even remember he was alive. You son of a bitch. (GUN FIRING) Ahh! Stewie! Now, get us the money you borrowed. (SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants.

Welcome back to K.I.S.S. Forum, Rhode island Public Access' most popular show about K.I.S.S. Lois, hurry! It's back on! Calm down, Peter. You know I wouldn't miss a second of this. Ok, let's take a call. You're on K.I.S.S. Forum. K.I.S.S. rules! Whoo! Ok, good call. Good call. Ha! Ha! All right.

Ha. maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"!

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show!

Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all.

Yes. And you'll never catch me!

You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard. There is only another fist. That's ridiculous.

or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses.

Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle.

Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That we could both fantasize about him and no one would be gay, yeah, I know the joke. Hey, you know what? Listen, Zapped sucks. Why don't we go see Krull? Peter, you know I'm dying to see Zapped. I would much prefer Krull. Well, maybe you should just go by yourself. Well, maybe I will.

I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son. Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. Feed him whatever you want. Tell you what. Go up to my jewelry box, take my gold jewelry, melt it down, make it into bread and feed him that. That good enough? Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?

And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike? That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam! (MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1.

You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.

Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge.

But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming. This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final. It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this.

That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

Boy, that's a lot of puke, Lois. I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party. Your what? My bachelor party.

Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass?

Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone. Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy. Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play?

They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

We're gonna have to use some cortisone on that. Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game. Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here.

Check it out, guys. New driver's license. What's wrong with your picture? Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture." I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago.

Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good.

Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah! Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic. We'll be in the clubhouse. Go on, run away! More golf course for me!

All right. Now, remember our story. We tell Lois that we both stayed all night. I caught the ghost with my lasso. And I punched him so hard, he ran crying all the way back to Hell! She'll have to believe that. It hangs together so perfectly. DIANE: Our top story today, cowardly kids lay down rubber at the old Selberg place.

Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay. Jim. Your name is Jim.

Whoever did this, thank you.

You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer?

(OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted. MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas!

Warren Fredericks. Quahog Beautiful People's Club. Come on in front. But--But all--all those people were in front of me. You haven't been beautiful very long, have you? Gorgeous guys like us don't have to wait in line. Haven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person. Yeah. You know, come to think of it...

You've done nothing but hold me back!

You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never!

They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is?

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today.

Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead.

Great pot, Stewie. Yeah, I got it from our cleaning lady's boyfriend. It's okay, though, 'cause she's gonna use the money to get a mammogram. Chris, where have you been? Doug told me I don't need to listen to you. Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy...

Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home! (LAUGHING) Well, now what do we do about this guy? We got two Brians in our universe now. Don't worry. I don't plan to stay in Quahog.

No. I cannot get sick right now. There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower, and with this move, I just cannot get sick right now. I have to finish typing this... Typing this... (GROANS) That's it, I'm taking you home. (SNEEZING) You did this to me! (SHUTTERS CLICKING) Miss Lohan! Lindsay!

My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad.

Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good. The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me? oh, Lordy, I'll never roam again! Jackass. Hey, He's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house. And you better start obeying both of us. Oh, Look at you.

Oh, It'll be ok, Chris. Remember that episode of The Honeymooners When Ralph lost his job but at the end of the show he didn't get it back? Oh, yeah. What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of Me.

Good Lord. Am I a porn baby? Oh, I'm sure not. They don't usually finish inside.

What, You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants!

Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one.

What the hell was that about? Who were those guys? I don't know, but I'll tell you this. I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend. You think they were following us? Either that, or they got a grudge against our back windshield. Joe, that's so dumb. Why would anybody be trying to kill us? It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us to learn the origin of that joke.

movie star, George Clooney. Oh, he's good. ANNOUNCER: Comedian, Dave Chappelle. He's funny. Like him. ANNOUNCER: And musician, Harry Connick Jr. Wow, what a show. ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's... Chevy! Oh, God, Brian, we messed up bad. We messed up real bad.

Stewie, what's wrong?

Blimp-headed jackass!

Wow, this is amazing, Chris. Look at this, Lois, a week ago, we call him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. Right, stupid? (GROANS) I'll do better. So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button!

Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up. No, you shoot the Taliban! Not Pat Tillman. Got it? Got it. You sure? Yep. All right. Hey, you know where I can find Pat Tillman? Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife?

We now return to Touched by an Angel. Now, where exactly did the angel touch you? Here. Aw, Come on! Who're you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo! Shh-shh! Aw!

You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies. Hey, There you go, Lois. You love kids.

All clear, sir. Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like.

(SHOUTING SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH) Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house,

What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out.

Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2.

But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie. BONNIE: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this. PETER: I don't know, Bonnie. It's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine. BONNIE: No, it's okay. I promise you, it's okay. PETER: I'm not sure. JOE: It's okay, Peter. Just remember, whatever you do, don't tell Chris I'm dating.

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest. It can't be done. Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ.

I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman!

Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year? Oh, A peace offering is it? Very well. what say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium? Well, Can you be a good boy? Hmm, Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a good boy? Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?

No, wait a minute. I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up.

I'm sorry. We happen to be here to solve a case. Uh, we were here first. Well, you know, this is a free country, dude, and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away.

I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family. That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog... ...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it! This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet! Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good. Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good.

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

We are all gonna die!

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead! We are going to have to send that family money.

(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here. (EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having. That's better.

Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot...

Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

(GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS) (GAGGING)

- Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh?

Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins, but not quite up to the task of seducing green women. Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread good will towards all men. The irony, of course, is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched!

If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885. KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom. ...1940s roller skate left in the hall. ...death by chocolate... No, no, leave it in. ...had a heart attack and have slipped into a coma. KENNETH: Here we go. In that case,

Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line...

"You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate. "Well, you're not gonna be so tough "when I put a fish bowl on my head and a rocket pack on my back, "and come up there and punch you."

Release the owls.

Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You... You don't find me attractive anymore. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying. But you can't force the spark back into our marriage. Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up.

You guys are yanking me. Hey, Let's put one over on old Quagmire. No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God!

I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower. The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to True Blood. Hi. I'm a nude vampire. Hi. I'm a nude werewolf. And that's the show! Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set.

You just started listing lazily to the left.

Lois! Oh, my God!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton.

Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

You can stay or you can go

Hey, it's Peter Griffin.

You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I--

Hungry Hungry Hippos!

The best thing I've ever done with my life is being a dad. Oh, Peter. I think it's a wonderful idea. Why haven't you sent for help?

I-i-It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I--i--i don't... I have no problem, it's just... There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay! Aw, I mean, sorry, honey. God, I hate high school. I don't fit in with anyone.

Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived. He wants fat? I'll show him fat. The only reason I'm eating anyway is because of him. He won't touch me. Do you think I'm fat?

You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

Hey, Brian, thanks for helping get rid of Miss Emily. Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing.

(KIDS LAUGHING) Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it! I deserve to relax, too.

Stewie? Yeah? It's not your fault. What? It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault. (FIRMLY) I know. No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault. Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man. - It's not your fault. - Screw you! Cut it out, man! It's not your fault.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

And the rest, well... You did all the rest for me. You turned on Tom exactly as I planned. So there it is, Lois. My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for,

How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth. You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house.

oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

You were right, Doug. Mischief is fun. We're the best pals since the Snorks.

Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. You know, I'll admit it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying... Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived. Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.

This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise. As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel. Hey, hey, look, Stewie, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement. (IN CHILDISH VOICE) "Hey, hey, Stewie,

Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there? Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws, except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws, so the guys have to team up with Jaws to get bigger Jaws. I call it Big Jaws. Wait, that's not what your script's about, is it? No. Okay, good. God, I haven't looked at this in years.

Hey, how are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it. Maybe the two of us could.... You know what? I don't care. You're a bitch. Brian, I know you're upset now, but if there's anything I've learned in this life... is that you can't let the little things.... Hey! Hey! Where's my money? Don't you walk out on me!

Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island.

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it.

James Woods! undefinedOh, my God. " don't believe it. Hi. How are you? Hello, everyone. He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing? Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time.

Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered with something that resembles egg crates, except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie. Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?

Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey? Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... so, I'm just gonna.... There we go. Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here. I feel horrible, Brian.

And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation. We'll have all this, and what else, Ollie? OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah!

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye. My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected.

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter!

CLEVE: Fuck that.

Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

oh, I'll fix your sink, Miss Romano. And by that I mean I'll have sex with you. And by that, I mean I'll fix your sink. And by sink I mean your reproductive organ. And by reproductive organ, I mean the thing between your knees. And by the thing between your knees, I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory.

What? Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love, too. But they got to pay.

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love... No, no. Just wipe... Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian! I love you so much! Go... Go roll around in the sandbox... In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around!

So, like, you see a hot girl,

(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas!

That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning.

Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

Wow! Inspiring stuff.

The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS)

CHRIS: Oh, boy, a pig! Can we keep it? It bit me!

Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw.

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.

Oh, my God! We came out of hyperspace into an asteroid field. (ELECTRONIC EXPLOSIONS) Alderaan's been destroyed by the Empire.

Hi. I'm Betty White.

It's a soccer horn. I know what it is! Hey, is that an original Matisse?

Give Nanna a big hug, sweethearT.

Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time. - You people knocked me off the modem. - When are you coming home? How's the food in South America? Do the women there have exposed clitterati? I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman. Well.... Please, just take care of yourself, honey.

MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning, cool weekends. FM. - Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike?

HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

Pull over now. Fine. Oy, God. Brian, don't do this. Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad. Quick! Back up!

Oh, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue. I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid. (SHOUTING) What?

Oh, Cleveland, isn't there anything I can do to make you happy? Yes, there is. You can live your life, Loretta. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can. I love you.

I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life. Sweet niblets? Yeah, sweet niblets.

No further questions. You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

You know, Brian, sometimes

All right, I'm gonna have to do the Vulcan V-Meld.

Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask. Could you... - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool. I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want.

Oh, Adam. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. Peter, I'm so happy for the both of them. Hey, I just realized I have a sister. (GASPING) (LAUGHING) Ha! Stand much?

MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police!

You're just gonna have to block out the cold, Stewie. Picture yourself in a warm place. (INHALES) Okay, I think I can do that.

ALL: Aw! Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you?

I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go. Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

That was a great idea you had, about walking parallel to the water. It makes for a longer walk.

Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay. Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this!

There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager.

(COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, for God's sake. Look, do you have any idea how expensive medical school is? No, I don't. Well, it's probably pretty expensive.

But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it. (SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

All right, 3 years it is.

I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

I think maybe it's just time for me to give up. Come on, Brian. You can't give up. Everything could change in a moment. That's what happened with the Kennedy assassination. I'm sorry, gentlemen. Despite our best efforts, the Texas School Book Depository Awareness Council has failed in its mission to generate public awareness of the Texas School Book Depository. So at the end of the day,

(FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

What's wrong with the TV? Nothing, Chris. All the shows are in widescreen now, so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Hey, Brian, welcome home! How was your book signing? Jeez, Lois, could I have, like, five minutes to decompress, please? It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell.

One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD! Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe.

Thanks to the training I received in the Empire, I have all the skills I need to make it in the real world. The Empire GI Bill helped me finish school. Hey, wait up! And I met my wife in the service. We had our honeymoon on Alderaan.

How about we ride around with you and steal beer from teenagers? I don't know, you guys. This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

It's about bloody time! Y-- That idiot slattern sent the dog? Oh, oh, oh! Well, this is--this is-- this is, oh, oh! Don't even get me started! I--i--i--I mean, really! When I think of--of-- Of--of--of the times that that woman has... Oh, I won't even begin to--to--to--to-- - Can we go? - Fine.

Peter, what're you doing? You've been out of work forever.

Come on, you son of a... Oh...me.

All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him. Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh. Peter, you take that thing back where it belongs immediately. All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney.

Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me? Yeah. P.S...

Peter, what the hell's going on here? Lois, we're no longer one Nielsen family. We're 100. More boxes, more power.

All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery. (SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee.

Because of an accident at the quahog Cable Company television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Oh, My God! Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you.

(BURPING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, surfin'... (SINGING GIBBERISH)

I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.

Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath.

All right, Peter, do you have a story that you'd like to share? Oh, yeah, I got one. This one time, me and Joe and Quagmire made a bet to see who could drink the most beer and still drive. And you know that water slide in South Attleboro? (CHILDREN LAUGHING) Yeah! Water slide!

Hey, What the hell? I told you to waste those Kids from Dawson's Creek. You're missing the most important thing here. You said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply. And, Now the whole world does. YEAH, I guess so. You know, My ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get outta your hair. Oh, But you just got here!

It's not that perfect. We'll probably have to buy a gift. And you know how bad I am when it comes to buying gifts. Happy freaking birthday, Lois! Oh, My goodness, it's A... another sword. Thank you, Peter. Go ahead. Try it on.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me!

Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do something fancy with my falcon.

Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room!

(LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS) Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

Well, I wanna go out with Michael.

You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing.

Wow, this is the coolest club I've ever been in. Well, you're not quite in the club yet. You got to pass the initiation. What do we have to do? You got to sneak onto the Crawford Ranch and steal a pair of George Bush's underwear. And then bring it back here, so we can bask in its Bushy goodness.

So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats? Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room. Wow. This looks just like my room at home. Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends. That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen.

Just ask any sloth.

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think. Listen, I want to thank you all for coming down.

My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It's--It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! Bam! Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle.

Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell.

Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. $50! She had 9 S.T.D's. $45. And when We caught her, she wet herself. $50. Excuse me. Are you gonna sell anything that's not gross? And now our next item.

You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!

Every beer I've ever had Is on a shelf above my bed And sometimes, I put my speakers facing out my window

We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.

Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws. Looks like someone's a little lost.

Thanks for Spaceballs.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me!

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

You want to take a wizard on my id? You remind me of my step-dad.

but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey. Brian, there you are! Come quick. They're about to announce the unveiling of your statue on the news. Statue? For what? What do you think, Mr. National Hero? For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country. Oh, you! I can't even express how mad I am at you right now.

Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!

Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.

I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience. You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. What? What? (DOORBELL RINGING)

Joe! You're not taking my son anywhere. Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving! And it's my second favorite holiday, right after Pretend Not to Notice People's Race Day. Hey, you seen Reggie around? Which one is Reggie? Oh, today he's wearing yellow pants, uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(RINGS DOORBELL) (DOOR OPENING) Hi, I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday? Chris, this is our house. Ah. Then what is for dinner? Pork chops. Excellent. Chris, have you been to any other houses?

Oh, yes! I slam it, and you can suck it! Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls! (LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls.

Waiter, there's a dead guy in my-- Peter, you can't force-feed maturity.

Do as I command.

it hurts to pee

Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure? Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show.

Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison!

Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news.

you passive-aggressive bitch. Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?

Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker. Well, I know who you are. (LAUGHS) It's fun to see how people react when they're on the spot.

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!" I don't know any more vegetables. Wait a second, hang on there. The way you abused that man just now, the way you treated your lesser... I underestimated you, Pewterschmidt.

Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.

When this is what, Brian? Over. I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over. That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run!

I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right?

What? Dogwood? You know, like Dogwood and Blondie, like in the funnies? You mean Dagwood? Dagwood, that's what it is. Hey, how about this one? You want to take a wizard on my id? You remind me of my step-dad.

I would be perfect for your show... because I know how to talk dirty to the ladies. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good. Spit in my mouth.

Hey, Swedish Chef. Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on? I'm hungry. Oh, that's no problem. I could cook you something. You want some spaghetti? That's like my specialty in junk. Yay!

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad.

I can't believe you guys want to have another kid! Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

In the morning, cool weekends. FM. - Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike?

Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade. Are you as excited as I am, Tom? Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood and clipped onto this piece of wood is a list of this year's float entries. Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam.

I just feel awful about this, Mayor West. Yeah. Me, too. Stewie, fluff his pillows. I'll heat up his soup. And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. Nope. Now, now. The doctor says I'm gonna make a full recovery. The important thing is, you learned your lesson.

What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly?

Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave in a century. That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Jeopardy! presents, The Best of Contestant Banter. So, Ben, it says here you have a connection to milk. Yes, funny story. I discovered recently that I have an allergy to milk. (CHUCKLES) So I guess we won't be eating any cheese around you. And Dennis, you once spent a night in a tent? So, uh, what do you guys got planned for the weekend?

Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la. Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought Marshmallow Peeps. Oh, okay.

the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her? Oh, so what? (STUTTERS) All those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences. Are you? Are you a better person? What's your point, Meg?

He met a girl. He got married? He says he's not coming back.

I just threw up two chicken gyros out my nose. They're on your side of the bed.

Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis.

Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying,

Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

I'm Stewie Griffin.

Shut up! Harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. (EXCLAIMS) Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know?

Oh, Don't do that. That's what they expect you to do. Ok, fine for you. But what about your puppies? And your puppies' puppies? God, Am I the only one Who's outraged here? I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner.

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick.

Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. (ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael!

and her name is Bitch Duck.

Life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not you're going to have time to masturbate. Peter, I'm gonna run and pick up Stewie. I'll be back in five or ten minutes. Well, which is it? It's like I told you, Lois. This time it's different.

What the hell are you talking about? Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met. Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more.

Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?

No one in this town will hire you. Oh, yeah?

Kind of a cheat sheet.

(BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you!

How can anyone get pregnant without having sex? Oh, there's lots of stories of that, Meg. Cleveland's got a cousin who had eight girlfriends get pregnant, and he says he's not responsible for a single one. Good guy. You shake his hand, it feels like you're touching a nice briefcase. But back to our story.

They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes! We sold out! Yeah. The whole town's talking about your show, Dad!

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

What... No story? What are you talking about? You're the one who sent me to investigate. Now I'm showing you proof and you're dismissing it? I don't understand! Lois, I'll be honest. Rush Limbaugh is one of us. We have no wish to smear a fellow conservative. That would be as foolish as FDR hiring that midget press secretary.

This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh!

This is the exact moment in 1984 that I sent you to the first time. You've just got to manage not to screw it up again. Lois! Oh, my God, it's so good to see you! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we...

Definitely! What are you calling it? - Wish It. Want It. Do It. - Love it. Thanks. Okay. "Chapter One: Wish it. "What are all the things you want most in the world? "Use the following blank pages "to write down all of your dreams and desires." Brilliant. Make them do the work. Yeah, why not? You know, if people want crap, I'll give them crap.

You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Yeah, I brought the ashes of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Nicholson, and spread them across the lake, per her last request. Ah. The other was some skag I met on a dock four miles from here. - What? - (MIMICS BUZZER) Strike four, Jelly Jealouson. The other was my sister. (SIGHS) - It's so nice up here. I know.

Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula.

We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear!

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about?

Let your mind race. Take short, rapid breaths.

Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should.

We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards! Well, it's--it's not an instrument! It's more of an object! But it's blunt! Hard and blunt! And, well, it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was raking!

There. Your turn. You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this.

No, it's a whole apartment. Oh, God, outstanding! So, Stewie, do you work with Brian at the detective agency? Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do. At the detective agency. That's got to be a tough job. I know Brian's work has him coming and going at all hours of the night.

(GROWLS) Holy shit! You ain't never gonna believe what I just seen. Tyra Banks? See, now you say something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more. Oh! Come on, what did you see? I don't remember.

I'm sorry about last night. I promise I'll make it up to you. Well, if you really mean that, I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today. Great, but can we do it after 5:00? There's a ball game on. Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out. Do you mind, Brian? No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen.

Sure, Zac. Anything for you. You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet. We're gonna have a real raging time. Before you know it, we'll be like an old married couple. (SLURPING)

Seven. Seven prostitutes.

Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson. I wasn't yelling. I was just saying-- Oh, You would bring that up. Can't you leave the past where it belongs? Peter, What's wrong with you? BEcausE I've already explained that to you! It was a scavenger hunt!

Ok, now I'm pissed.

if you come to work without a shirt on. Mr. Griffin! I--I'm sorry. That came out wrong. L-l-l-Let me try again. nice ass. You haven't heard a word I've said! Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just-- You know, There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. HOnk, honk. Ok, that's it!

Drunk Billy will be missed. But what you shouldn't miss is the Quahog Rodeo, coming to the Civic Center this Friday. Tickets are on sale now. And for those of you who are handy with a horse, entry spots are still open. Oh, God. This seems like the kind of thing Peter... Too late, Brian. Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo? That's stupid. You don't know anything about horses and you're in terrible shape.

This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall... so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters. You don't say.

(FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things? Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, oh, look! There we go!

Hey, you ever just drive through a town and wonder, "Who the hell lives here?" All the time. Look at this place. I mean, what's going on? There's an adult with a lemonade stand.

Digital bathroom scales! Thanks, Ken.

(GUNSHOT) That's for shooting one of our guys!

How is that? How is what? How is it anything like a monkey having the keys to an amusement park? I don't know. The hours would be erratic. Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it.

Unless you're going to pull a sundae out of your belly button, I'd get your ass in the fucking kitchen. Oh, boy. My dogs are mooing today. No, no, no, no, no, no. What's the matter? Did I say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"? Did you hear me say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"?

They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore.

Joe, would you put on your hand shoes and take out the garbage? Thank you. (JOE SOBBING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds expensive.

I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say. What are your demands?

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Well, it-it's... It's delightful. Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you. Oh, Peter!

(HISSING) Wanna have sex?

No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight. - (ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME - PLAYING) MARY HART: Celebrating birthdays today,

Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe. Hi. Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine. Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans.

" don't know about this, Doug. Just do it! Oh, good Lord! Is that.... Doody! I'm doing the dishes, Joe. I'll change you in a minute.

They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo!

My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God! You can talk! Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine.

You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!

Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company.

You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,

He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting.

Yeah! You're a little too heavy, buddy. Yeah! We're going down. Yeah! Yeah.

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?

MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

So you're joining him at next week's district spelling bee. If you lead our school to victory, I'll let you pass third grade. But if you lose, you fail. I accept that challenge. Late '70s Bruce Jenner, take me home. Hop on, Peter.

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah!

(LA CUCARACHA PLAYING) Hey, Mexican Superman. I got the keys made. Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said, "Oh, the humanity" before, but seriously, "Oh, the humanity" even more right now!

You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you just bitched yourself out of a bite. All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right. - Can you give me a caramel one? - No. You can have... Um... Um... You can have...

JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period!

All we need is some magic markers,

Welcome to the cool side of the pillow. You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland. Works every time. Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy.

Step right up. Step right up. You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam. What a rip-off. It's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.

Helen Reddy standing by.

Definitely blind. You guys are crazy. Hey, you don't wanna be a midget? One of those funny little guys runnin' around gettin' in all kinds of shenanigans. Smokin' a cigar, while you're ridin' around in a stroller. Good point. Never thought of it that way. They are God's little punch lines. Ok, all right. Here's another one. Black or crippled?

Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60?

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

(SHOUTING) (ROARING)

All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show.

It's alive, isn't it?

You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

But first, let's go to the Ouahog Mega-Mall... where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa... is handing out makeovers. That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover.

Like rugelach or hamentashen or hachahachahacha.

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind! A pox on quahog!

Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What?

What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple!

(CHICKEN SQUEAKS) (GROANS)

Rocky, please don't go to Mars and fight the Martian.

We dream of Republicantown Where Clinton is viewed as a crazy commie clown A place where America's growing free and strong 'Cause when you come down to it, this is where We all belong

They haven't turned into bitches yet. (SIGHS) It's true. What happened to all of us? I got a house on the Cape. Maybe you come visit. (WEAKLY) Maybe. Maybe you call a few days in advance to give me time to get the house clean. Okay. Maybe you bring a blazer so we can go to a wider range of restaurants.

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

and store-brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry, the Tiger. They're food!

That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV. I'll just make my own sitcom in my head. And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme. This time around I'm staying at home And things are gonna get better Settling in, loving my wife

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie? It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky

Who the hell is this bitch? Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this. Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo,

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary. Still twice yours, Joyce.

Ah, Truck going by. I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Meow! - Morning. - Ah!

Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay Oh, my God! They liked it? Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged!

(LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

Pull the car around. Come on, let's go! (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me. Why do I hear an engine? Because my stomach is rumbling in a way that sounds like the engine of Joe's fishing truck.

Stewie, you in there? You think he's here? God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here. Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement with a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel.

Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control. I mean, what if she develops a coke problem? No Coke. Pepsi. Come on, you set me up for that one.

Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty. I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign,

and her name is Bitch Duck. That kind of looks like Mom. Not finished talking, Meg. Okay, and this is Poopy Face Tomato Nose. You can see I gave him a funny little suitcase. Now, see, the joke is most people only carry a suitcase when they're going on vacation,

Thank you, but I can't stay. It's Friday night, I've got to go to Temple. Temple? Oh, Like Indiana Jones?

- Hey. Are you Kate? - Yes.

I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts. f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy.

I don't have any change. Sorry. Oh, That's ok. No charge. Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick. Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh.

Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God!

"And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now." (WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that? It's an expression.

I ain't afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus. I'm Spartacus. I'm Spartacus. That guy's Spartacus.

All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her. "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop."

If you need me, I'll be in space.

You'll never know just how much I care Yeah! And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you

And sayeth he, "Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle, "though I suffereth from temporary blindness. "And yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downey, "the only negro in the state of Wisconsin." Amen. CONGREGATION: Amen.

I see. But you wrote all your other songs, right? No, all of my songs were written by other people. As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters. Oh. So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...

but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! You guys did this! You guys fucking did this!

Open your mouth, baby, here it comes. But there is a silver lining for local Quahogians, as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog Mall this weekend to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps kids clothing store.

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w.

You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

You love the Middle Ages, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir!

You must be Angela.

but it's something you should see. PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business. I just happened to be there with my video camera when a ninja shows up! And then a Nazi came! And then an evil pots-and-pans robot!

You okay? Yeah, babe.

Careful. Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet. Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry. (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? (GROANS) I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man. God, I hope Alan doesn't find out. Hey, forget that klutz.

Jim. Your name is Jim.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do? Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours? Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there?

Hello? Grimace from McDonald's? Sorry, Peter, I got to take this. No, I understand. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ok, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow, and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. Ahh! Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin.

You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.

We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.

Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million. Good thing we swore off women to not be distracted... ...and unable to accumulate this vast wealth. Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Butter's in the fridge!

I don't have skin! THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!

Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything. Anything! Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob. You're thinking of the Mob in the movies.

All right, everyone, I'd like to get started. (ALL PANTING) I'd like to get... We're start... You know what? Maybe... Maybe everyone should sit down. (ALL WHEEZING)

(SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife! PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again.

This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade. We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today, and we're a little wet, as you can see, because, apparently, there are no awnings that exist anywhere. There's your top news story right there. Mysterious awning shortage ravages the Northeast, but miraculously has not affected Channels 2 or 6.

I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy. Laura Bush killed a guy.

Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. - MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it. - MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction. - Seen it. - MAN 3: Donovan's Reef. - Seen it. MAN 4: License to Drive. Definitely seen it. That's a shame What a shame

Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared.

Well, let me make you a proposal. I'll front you the money, and you pay it off by working for me. Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind.

Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out.

Hey, baby, want some Adam West penis?

Stop! (STEWIE EXCLAIMS) (THUDS) (STEWIE SCREAMING) I can't breathe! I can't breathe! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (EXCLAIMING) Oh, gosh, I hope he's all right.

Irish Spring will get you fresh and (WHISTLES) clean as a whistle. See? (SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? There's more soap inside the soap. They know that!

You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Alan Adler, David Preslack, Julie Axlerod,

Well, well, well! H-How long have you been there? I came along right about the time you started pummeling her with your tail. You shut up! You love her! Ha! Oh! Oh, This is so good, it just has to be fattening. I said, shut up! Oh, By the way, nice rap.

All right, good. Now I want you to call them as if you're their dead baby. No way, that was the last thing on your list. I can't do this anymore. Well, you should've thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse. I own you. Now, here's my post office key.

You don't get it. No, no. I totally get it. Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up!

All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney.

So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

I will seriously consider purchasing this product.

Hey, Peter, it's QuagmirE. Oh, Hey, Quagmire. Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick. Uh, uh, i--I got to go.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

So, how'd Susie like your video? I don't care about her anymore.

They even got some of that high-class British porn. Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm?

I promise I won't forget you.

Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da!

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there. Peter, may I use your restroom? I took a laxative and a stool hardener,

or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

Well, hold... Hold on a sec. We could probably let them go for just a few more minutes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) Euthanasia for the mentally feeble. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE MURMURS) ANNOUNCER: Das Ist Gut is filmed before an audience of the mentally feeble. (GUNSHOTS) God, I wish I could get tickets to that show.

(SIGHS) Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out. I'll just take him for a ride in the car, he'll forget all about it. (SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car!

They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there. You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind.

What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points. But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here. You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard?

Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.

He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying. Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers.

Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that. I've already accepted another job. Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like. It's all right. I would've driven you bananas.

Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you! Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture,

You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m. Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING)

Oh my, Chris, we can see your genitals. Just kidding. Everyone's genitals are hanging out. Really? Wow, this is just like Bible camp. Only I'm not crying and trying to pretend I'm somewhere else.

Dude, that is an amazing story. Hey, what if there were Korean pilots? Yeah. I'm not really looking for notes, but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up.

And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie

(ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...triple-dog-dare. (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

Boy. Do I know that feeling. Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people!

Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.

Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

(SIGHS) Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out. I'll just take him for a ride in the car, he'll forget all about it. (SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car!

Help! Somebody help! Rape!

Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.

Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon. Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

Eliza. Excellent. Here, have a look. Good. Good.

Oh, yeah, sure. Then whose is it? MAN: It's mine. I'm Dick Pump, and I'd appreciate it if you hooligans didn't get your eggs all over my parcel. Sorry. I keep getting your mail, Dick. Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff.

I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them? Yeah. Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me. Yeah? How'd that go? Not well, Brian. Not well.

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse. How do you propose we settle this? - We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal.

I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg.

This isn't part of the act anymore!

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language.

Over here is our kitchen, where we make all our meals. And upstairs is where we sleep. What about your wives and families? Sometimes we don't see them for long periods of time. Well, that sounds awfully lonely. Like being an NBA player on the road.

Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

(GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like. And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man. Not less.

People! People! Stop this craziness!

- Hey, wake me up in 15, will you, babe? - Fine.

Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money? You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00.

What kind of jerk alters time, and then falls asleep? Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it? Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

I am going to kill that man. That man is my girlfriend Meg. (PETER CHUCKLES) This is against everything our people stand for. Will you listen to me for one moment? You were so worried about these outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me. But look at yourself. You're the one who's allowed yourself to be corrupted.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) Look, it's no big deal.

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

You want to tell your mommy and daddy the Griffins are here? Come on in! Welcome, GriffinS! Oh, uh, uh, We must be early. Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely...

Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom. - Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois. - Goodnight. Peter, this is a little strange. No stranger than when Darth Vader was a meter maid. Come on, man. Cut me a break. I was only in there for, like, five minutes. I already started writing the ticket. You know, I make your annual salary in a week.

Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

Ok, who's hungry? Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

- It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad.

"How do you do?" And here is how you sound. Now try it again. "How do you do?" What did you say? "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." I think she's got it! I think she's got it!

Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous!

Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Seven. Seven prostitutes. This is a shakedown. Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work. Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out.

you can go fuck yourself.

And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole.

When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude. Can I just say before... Can we just, like, take two... I love... You're so brave.

Oh, Mary, Mary,

Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way. Just to check in, make sure everything's going well with you and Brian. It's going kick-ass!

Oh, Ok, Ok. Grab my hand. And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah. Oh, this looks like Spooner St.,

Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey!

- Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are?

Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face,

Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try. Poor Meg.

Hit me. Peter, don't. - Hit me. - 21. - Hit me. - Peter! - Hit me. - That's 30. Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car.

I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention. Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin. Boy, you really want to wear that hat. That hat's coming off! No! (ALL GRUNTING) You guys are jerks.

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What?

Ah! What the heck?

Swamp crashes. They can land you knee-deep in trouble. But the "good hands" people at Allstate will make sure you have a soft landing. Professional service. Non-threatening black spokesperson. That's Allstate's stand. Thank God for these airbags. You okay back there?

(PETER SINGING JINGLE)

What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. What? Will he be okay? No, he won't be okay. One-third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. (BEEPING) Well, that's it.

when you're all shipped off to Iraq. What? Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq.

Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, and leave me alone. It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. You let the fat man talk you into moving out. You let Jillian walk out the door. Stop getting pushed around.

- Well, Dave's allergic. - Dave!

Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life. (SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog! He's got my neck! (SCREAMING)

Boys, boys. We can settle this like reasonable and sexy teenagers.

(BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh?

Ahhh! Meg, you're here early. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work. Well, thanks. What's with the getup?

This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

hey! Hey! How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Oh, Screw it. I tried.

Breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house. This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!

Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs And in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm. That's right, Diane. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus, then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch,

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

A ferry carrying a shipment of brand-new Mercedes-Benzes from Germany crashed and sank just a few miles off our coast. Thus far, the cars remain on the ocean floor as the Germans refuse to clean up the disaster. The German Environmental Minister called a press conference to issue the following statement. I see nothing! I know nothing!

- A vagina? - Get out.

Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? I know. Who would've thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV? Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look. (ALARM BUZZING) Oh, there's the pie.

I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1.

I felt like I had a void in my life. Like--Like there was a secret hole in me. Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God!

Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats. And it plays a tune that's fun for the young children. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta

Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking. All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year! I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive. Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas. And Christmas is about gettin'!

Peter, you've raised a fine family. yeah, Well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up. In fact, I was hoping you could change his mind. He'd have to believe you. You're God's go-to guy.

Mom, can I get lipo, too? Forget it, Meg.

No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death!

I don't want this to happen to you, Meg.

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

I say, Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services! Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot.

Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat, "I hate you. "You are a bad man. "And you made me cry. "Furthermore--" Not now, Peter.

"oh, Hello. Didn't notice you there. "You know, It's not easy living with my family. "bunch of characters they are. Like my father-- "'Holy crap, Lois! Check out the freakin' log in the toilet!'" Get off the stage!

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission. (YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you!

You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad!

So Perhaps you'd be interested in something every homeowner cannot be without, Volcano insurance! Go on. According to my uncle, who's a real whiz with volcanoes, a volcano is coming this way! hmm. I, too, have an uncle. Come in.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway. I hate it when Woody casts another actor in a role he's supposed to play, 'cause they always act like him. What're you talking about? I thought Patrick Stewart was great as Melvin Shiverman. You know, Nietzsche says we're doomed to live the same life over and over again,

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts?

You wanna have unprotected sex?

Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry.

Here's your paper. What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd! Thank you. Would you like to come inside for a cupcake and a glass of wine? Shut up, old man. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter.

You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS Yes, you have AIDS Not H.I.V., but full-blown AIDS

I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess. I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it! And I'd better not see you at the big dance! Come on, you. Sorry, Chris. I'm gonna go with him.

But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. You bastards! I'll get my question answered one way or another.

Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom!

And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you...

But you are a beautiful person,

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

No way, gross. I mean... No. Yeah, I totally love how that feels.

I want my money. I want my money, man.

What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

Humans will chuckle at this. MAN: And in simple American households. Okay, Barney. I'm going to work now. But I'm gonna leave NPR on for you. DJ ON RADIO: Good day to you. And welcome to All Things Considered, a show where we talk very softly and right into the mic.

Sure! Okay, then let's... Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet. How would you like to take a half-pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese?

It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right.

Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad. The resulting explosion was the big bang. So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist. Worth it!

You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.

Conservative Republicanism is the answer. Good. Good for Brian. Brian, look at this. Now, this is a tasteful nude. It's called "A Saucy Outing In Tottenham Court Square."

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns.

It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Are You Smarter than a Hispanic Maid? Okay, Larry, now, how does a Hispanic maid address her employer if his name is John Sullivan? Is it A, John? Or B, Mr. Sullivan? Uh, I'm gonna go with Mr. Sullivan. (BUZZER SOUNDS) Oh, that was a trick question. Consuela, what would you say?

Damn it! Damn it!

(POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) (TWINS GASPING)

So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says,

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass!

(GRUNTS) Damn it! You bastards!

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie!

Ghostbusters, Tom?

MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)

I just want you to know this was a huge pain in the ass.

(STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.

I am never speaking to you again. Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I have a plan. I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog. Everybody stand back. Uh-oh-- Oh, boy. Oh--oh!

Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena,

STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there? Oh, my God. Stewie, just shut up and go to bed!

Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range.

We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

This thing's got to be worth 50 grand. 50 grand? Oh, my God! I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad. But try and open with a joke. Tell him yourself.

(FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them.

What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair. Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us.

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore! I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING)

Not so fast. Did you know you'd have to eat 17 bowls of those cornflakes to get the same nutritional value in one bowl of Total? Say, that's a lot easier than eating 17 bowls! And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah!

Well, it looks like I'm a man with no sperm. But I'll always be a man with no sperm who once had a wonderful day. Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow. You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.

You are under arrest.

Now, they tell me in your next movie, we get to see your butt. YEs, uh, Yes, you do. Can--Can we see it right now? Um, welL, uh... HA, All right, HITLER. Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

QUAGMIRE: Well, gonna need some help here. (CHUCKLES) All right.

I can't even say my name without people asking me if I made it up. How could Dad do this to me? Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He--He was doing it for you. He knows how much you want to go to Brown. There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. Now, that's not true. Libel's not a felony. It's a civil matter.

I am not gonna listen to you anymore.

(GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night? Good morning. Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad! Yeah. From The Hills! Yeah. You seem surprised. No. No. It's just, I... I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night. So if I did anything that might have offended you, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I have a dog.

The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed. PETER: Brian, look what I found! Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis!

You're a two-wheeled monster!

And then we have a chocolate, chocolate cake that's infused with chocolate served with chocolate ice cream and a molten chocolate topping. We'll have one of those with four spoons. More like four of those with one spoon for me! (LAUGHING)

You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss! Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.

Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that?

No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible. You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out.

Everyone, I think it's important that we talk openly about this.

perhaps a little tenderness will.

No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open. MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know! (DOORBELL RINGING) Uh-oh. The police. Looks like I got some explaining to do.

I hate being all strokey. This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Oh, say that again. (LAUGHING PLAYFULLY) But I want you to keep talking to me in that sexy voice while we do it. Okay, great. Let's pretend you're a tollbooth worker and I'm molesting you. Okay. I don't have any change. Now take off that parka. Uh, uh, uh.

Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this. Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me!

Hector, how long have we known each other? - Since first grade. - Yeah, yeah. You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"? " think so. Well, burn for it!

My God, what did those drug dealers do to you?

I mean, none of this happened until... Gosh, I... You know, I think I'd better, uh, go make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine.

Damn! Laura! Laura! Laura!

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS. Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all,

(CHUCKLING) Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems.

Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done. You can't just break the law. Sure, I can. I've been doing it all week. Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets.

Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin. A few years ago, we did an episode called "Viewer Mail" where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes.

Yeah, shame on you! Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. You are gonna get it when I drink.

I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do. I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside.

"What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder.

Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

You're not fat, Chris.

Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian to come out peacefully, we're going to have to take him down.

I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed.

blah, blah, blah! knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was. You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

I'm--I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman? Well, Actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse!

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again. Who ate all the pecan sandies?

What're you talking about? Get me down, you douche.

So, anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is, some of the guys thought we should get a divorce. What? (STAMMERING) But I told them they didn't know what they were talking about. Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself. And then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Wow, Brian, that's a great idea. And, hey, maybe I could give the speech at your graduation. I'm really good at that. And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope, all I can think is, "You are completely screwed." As Martin Luther King once said, "Ouch, I've been shot." Thank you.

It's going kick-ass! Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly. Like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa. Oh, my God! Are you saying I'm fat? No, I'm saying Santa's thin... - Get in there and throw up! - Oh!

I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without. Well, I... I love you, too, Stewie.

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD)

Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

Oh, I'm so, so honored! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl! It's Enrico Palazzo! No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals! Get him! (ALL CLAMORING)

Oh, thank God that's over. Yeah, no kidding. Hey, you know, there's not too many guys in the world who would be willing to do something like that for their pal. Ah, don't mention it. No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy.

I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses. Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire! Here, that ought to cover it. Peter, I don't want your money! Well, fine, then. Have a box of Jeremy Irons Cereal. If you're looking for a prize at the bottom, there is none. Only more cardboard.

I'd sit here and chat with you, but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta, because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! When is it gonna be my turn? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Good evening, Death Star. Tonight a special report on the controversial attack on Alderaan. While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father... Oh, probably not.

But do you know who Thornton Melon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know! So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.

I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free! As she coming back? " don't know.

You mean steroids?

Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? No, but I'm ready for therapy.

And I have to set you fray Fray The letter A The A, the A The letter A Thank yay!

ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.

Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. You're so fatherly. It really turns me on. STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers. They're in the cabinet.

(SCREAMING) Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs?

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard. Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.

So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.

Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay?

We can't leave. It's almost halftime and we all pooped in the tuba. (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) (TUBA PLAYER EXCLAIMING) Okay, we can go. (SPRAYING)

Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.

Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.

(LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done

like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.

Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad I risked my life and everything. Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that? Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart. Goodbye, big fart.

This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening, you did something that changed the course of your history, causing the time line to skew off into an alternate tangent, where you're married to Molly Ringwald, Quagmire's married to Lois,

Oh, My God! Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you. Oh, They won't! Because I'm never going back to that school again! Um, Dad, after dinner, could you help me with my algebra?

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy.

I saw something on TV that I want to imitate.

I don't believe it. Are we really stuck in space? Oh, God, what if we have to live up here for the rest of our lives? I'm gonna miss drinking at The Clam. I'll tell you what I won't miss. That waiter who thinks he has to be funny. Yes, I'd like the chopped salad, please. And could I get no onions on that? Hmm. I've got a few connections in the back. I'll see what I can do. Yeah, that's funny.

(LAUGHING) (SNIFFING) Peter! You just crapped all over the bed! When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

I'm pregnant. From my finger? No, you don't understand. God has blessed me with his child. You banged Kevin God from South Nazareth? No, no, Joseph, I mean God. I'm carrying God's baby. He... He sent down an angel.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

You don't think I can catch you?

(YELLING CONTINUES) Quick, Quagmire, give me your iPod. (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN: I swear to God! You keep him away from me! JOE: Got 'em. Aw, they got tuckered out.

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)

Hmm. "Earn it." Why have you forsaken mE? Uh, mis--mis-- Mr. Weed?

Yeah, I say we go down there and talk to those people in Quahog. No! This is what I'm talking about. Meth has turned us into monsters. Lois, take it easy. No. You know what? This is my own fault for listening to you. I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

What happened? Oh, my God!

But I need your love to keep away the cold I goT-- All right, break it up! What's going on here? Your little peep show is over! We're taking back our men! Peep show? I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids. And nobody cheers.

Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub.

Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family.

(SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

No parking at the mall. It's a terrible place. What else? Um, how about the zoo? Too much walking. Too much noise. You can't have any good conversation. Not like at Chili's. Where else? Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Is this scotch tape?

I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody. I mean, I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you. You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you. You're my brother and you'll always be my brother. I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? Yeah. I'm afraid so.

Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year! King me.

WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Talent show? Talent show. "Hear ye. Hear ye. This talent competition "will decide rightful possession of the good Lady Redbush "and control of the colony of Quahog." We first present King Stewart of England with some observational humor. Hi there, everybody.

That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie. All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody.

You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem. I got a girl pregnant. What do I do? And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face,

Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches.

everything's gonna be ok.

Well, okay. But how are we gonna get there? We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star!

QUAGMIRE: Hey, kid, come here.

Do you hear that? I'm whispering right in your ear. I'm right in your ear. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. (WHIMPERING) MAN: Won't you please do your part to help? Thank you. Wow! Inspiring stuff.

Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.

That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!

Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner. Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon.

Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.

If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." "The loif of the w--" No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!"

Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar! Hey, Peter. What's up? Hey, Quagmire. Listen, I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio.

Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen.

Well, I'm not worried, Joe, you'll think of something. I gotta tell you, not being able to pay my child's hospital bills somehow makes me feel like less of a man. Oh, honey, that's silly. I'm gonna show you what a man you really are. Now, let's go put your penis on.

Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la.

I don't know. Do you have my OxyContin? What? Are you the guy? I'm a guy. I want my drugs. What are drugs? I don't think this is the call I was expecting. (DIAL TONE) Now, Peter, this is your silverware. You see, this is your fork, and this is a knife.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.

What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!

Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.

Too much play We went dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin' across the USA Dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA

Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once.

Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.

Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment. Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on.

We're gonna miss you, Death. Hey, Don't worry. I'll be back. really, really soon. Is he joking? Ok, see you later.

(GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian!

(LAUGHING) I know, huh? Classic. (CLICKS) I got to forward this to my bud. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (LAUGHING)

Then I'm gonna use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting. Right, Bing Crosby? That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat them with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. But tha-that doesn't sound right.

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you.

I don't even know what I did with the copy that you gave... Oh, fuck! There it is. Hey, you know what else would be great?

ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.

Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

- Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it!

Meg and Kent are having space sex We can't show it But that's what's happening (BOTH MOANING)

Oh, my God, we got to get out of here! Taxi! Follow that family.

Sounds like you need a roommate. Where did you get that kind of money? I picked up Chris's paper route. Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. Piss off, you perverted old freak! Oh, we got a fighter.

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do? Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.

Oh, my God! Angela! Angela, wake up! What the... Griffin?

Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit! Hmm. Look, This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Where are my keys? Where's my keys? Where are my keys?

Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

you know, this looks awfully familiar. Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high.

I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes. Running, throwing, lifting big things. Teslik. That's all right with me, man.

They're in the cabinet. I don't see them. They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking at? Can't you just come in here? No, I'm busy! (CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.

President Mike Obama! President Barack Obama!

Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge. (FARTING)

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

"If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?

Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"? I'd say 5'10". Okay, we'll go 5'9" and a half. And now, how old was he? Late 30s, maybe 37. I don't know, anywhere between 35 and 40. Okay, well, let's say 37. How about ethnicity? Yeah, he was Asian-American. Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean.

But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears. Meg, what happened? Fat-ass and his drunk friends left me at the roller rink. You know, this wouldn't have happened if I had my own car. Meg, people have always found ways to get around without a car.

I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head. Well, If I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem. You got some ideas? Tell me. Oh, I'll tell you. Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange. How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude?

Oh, You just want your toy back. Ok, here you go, honey. Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all! Hello? Oh, my God!

The Bachelorette comes to Ouahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. But there will be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00.

You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

Why did we need the horse suit for that?

I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!

You had a heart attack, sweetie. A heart attack?

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check.

I can't believe my baby's gonna be the Son of God. Looks like all those years fighting off my own father's advances have finally paid off. What shall we name him? Well, this is kind of like a barn. We could call him Barney. Yeah, maybe. Or I kind of always liked Tristan. Oh, my God, you want him to get the crap beat out of him? They will crucify him with a name like that.

So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted. At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian,

(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you. And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today.

(NORMAL VOICE) Chris, I don't want a tie! Pick something else!

Great! Who's my partner?

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd!

"P.S. If the cops ask, "tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. "If you tell anyone otherwise, "I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you. "And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real.

Eat my poo, Brian.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right.

A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record. If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket. Well, the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird.

The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney. And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.

you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room.

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.

And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

All right, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there is something else down there in the bottom of the sea. Something that you will be able to relate to. There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit. Hey, there. How you doing? Who are you? I'm Santa. You're Santa? Do you have my new cell phone? Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa?

Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors. Plus, when's the next time you're gonna get to give a bride away? I know. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

(WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So? Brian, he put it up inside. Oh, God. Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory.

We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street.

Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him!

Don't wish it away Don't look at it like it's forever Between you and me I could honestly say

Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man

Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day.

Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening. Well, I don't see a way around it, do you? I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

PLAYER 6: You suck!

Peter, are you peeing in that skull? No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ass.

We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up.

You're coming in too fast! Look out! (BOTH SCREAMING)

Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny,

Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

(GASPING) DVDs! Oh, books.

I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn.

Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote?

I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'! I'm going to get a floor mirror to squat over and see what's making all that noise. Okay, everybody just calm down. We're not going to go crazy spending our winnings, and we're not going to let this money change us. What are you talking about? This money is our ticket to the good life, starting now.

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

- It's true. - Totally. What do you mean, "Internet porn"? You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them.

All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier.

Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y about any sort of stupid shit.

Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.

What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it. Really? 'Cause I had it sitting right on my table... I said I haven't seen it, all right! And what does it matter? It was terrible anyway! We've had this conversation! Do yourself a favor and move on!

Hi, Andy Dick here.

Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off! Ahh!

You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Yeah, he's at the dentist.

Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."

Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog. Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

He now belongs to the public.

But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you?

I'm not really evil. (GASPING) It talks! If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything. No, Dad! Don't do it! He's evil! Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding. Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself. (SHOUTING) No! (SIGHING) Thank you very much.

Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny.

Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)

Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse. There's always one. WOMAN: You can cry about it, or you can decide to live. It's your choice. STEWIE: Found her. Hey, what is it, Doc? Well, as a dog, Brian's kidneys are smaller and don't have the capacity of a human kidney.

(GASPS) Holy crap! Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!

But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt.

This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow!

we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff.

Once again, Ashlee Simpson. (BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) (CROWD CHEERING) MAN'S VOICE: Old Man River That Old Man River

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass.

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand. The Army said you'd been killed in action. What happened? Well, it's quite a story. In some ways, Army life in Iraq is what you'd expect,

Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

Donny Most Donny Most He was Ralph on Happy Days Donny Most

So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire,

I mean, all the crap I take for dating young bimbos.

Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)

Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it. Fantastic. And to help us forget about it, family, I'd like to introduce New Brian. Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? (ALL LAUGHING) I like him.

I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that. I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again.

Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay.

STEWIE: This is fantastic. Nobody suspects a thing. Listen to my voice. That sounds cool. Hello. Pigs in Space. Hi, Peter. Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

(CLICKING) (SCREAMING)

Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, There's something magical about brown. Brown's the color of poo! Yes. Yes, it is.

Oh, you look beautiful, and he's a handsome fellow, ain't he? PETER: Well, I am ready for my evening. Oh, my God! Peter, what the hell? Peter, what are you doing?

Chris, what are you doing?

I want to thank you all for coming out here today. We got a serious situation down in the Bronx. (TRUMPET PLAYING SLOW SONG) Our friend needs to get a message to the short man in the hat. (TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) (SHOUTING) He needs to deliver this message before the construction-site contracts are handed down. (TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to!

I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode!

Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are. All right, hang on. Here we go.

Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.

(GRUNTS IN DISGUST) It'd be like sticking your arm in a backed-up sink. Okay, you're right. I'm a little biased myself, but at least I'm willing to admit it. Imagine that, the two of them going at it? An oversized Armani suit and an oversized, cheap windbreaker tossed casually on the floor? Look, they started this, Lois, but it's up to you to finish it.

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.

We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend.

Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you! You're why cavemen painted on walls!

Oh, my God! Get it out of here!

You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.

(GASPS) What are you doing here? CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die!

(HARRY GASPING) All right. Good so far. No, no, no, don't use the bats like that! No, no. Don't use them like that, either! All right, look. Just put them down and use your fists. No, no, no, not like that! All right. This next exercise will train you to talk like a straight man.

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie. Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie.

When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants, I had to keep it there for a whole week. Ha! What a week!

You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?

Well, well, look who's here.

Oh, How did you get so sweet?

" can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three. Do it again! All right, everyone. Clearly, something very strange has happened here.

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to.

Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

It'll teach him a lesson about being tough. Peter, he's just a baby. You got to let this go. My baby boy got beat up by a girl. What was weird was that she was crying,

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news,

Enough of that. Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now.

Peter, could I speak to you over by the door?

Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do.

There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage

One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs.

My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again! (ALL CLUCKING) Let me out of here! I can't watch another second!

Hello? Is anybody home? Aah! Greetings, man in white.

Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you. Oh, Peter! Aah! Hey, You must be Lois. No, No, not silicone.

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you.

Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin.

I got blisters on me fingers!

What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.

What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,

Well, tonight we're doing facials.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony!

Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)

Yes, but I have just one question. Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes? (ALL GASPING)

I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

What the hell? It took you three hours to break up with her? - Not exactly. - Well, what were you doing in there? (SNIFFS) What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame. Yup. Life is confusing when you grow up. isn't it, Brian? At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead.

Get your fat space ass back here.

Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one!

What the... Peter, you're not supposed to be in the audience. Get the hell up onstage. All right. Hey there, sir. Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you? Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. "Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You like that? Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt at the first Thanksgiving.

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word

WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Go on, Stewie. Get the note for Mommy. How dare you use me for your own personal selfish... Hmm. Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while?

The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

If he even lays a finger on my family, I'll do to him what I did to the Riddler. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God!

Little story brewing there? Working on? Working on that for quite some time, huh? Talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative. Beginning, middle, and end. Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer for the experience? Yeah?

(LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

You know, Rupert, I miss the Earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space... (ALARM WAILING) Uh-oh, Rupert, we've got company, and I don't think it's the Avon Lady. Strap yourself in. No matter what happens, it's been a privilege to serve under you.

I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?

Uh, Lois, you might want to check this out. What is it, Brian? Take a look. And now, boys and girls, it's time for Petey's Funhouse. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING)

Sorry, sir, private party tonight. I'm a friend of Dave Navarro's. You're a friend of Dave Navarro's. You saw me here last week. I seem like a cool dude. I saw you here last week. You seem like a cool dude. Move along. Move along, move along.

Well, it's good we found out who we all are,

No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it.

Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control.

Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?

- ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca. Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here. Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys.

Yeah, all right! Well, let's hit the hospital, get checked for teleportation cancer and then party! Well, since the teleportation machine failed to get us to Vegas, I suppose we should just catch our plane. I'll repair it when we get back. You know, this is going to be a good trip, Brian. I really feel like fate is on our side.

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy. Fine, I didn't want to play anyway! Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square!

Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me

your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry.

(SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama?

She... She'll go to a good home, right?

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me.

Here, kitty, kitty.

Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them. Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.

I don't care. Jury duty sounds boring. I'm gonna get myself kicked out. Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay. Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit?

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem, performed this afternoon by Peter Griffin and his dirt bike. (ENGINE REVS TO THE TUNE OF THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER)

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris.

What are we fighting about?

Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah?

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey,

Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus.

You've got a lot to see

My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh!

You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? Peter, what are you doing here? Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said.

Al Cowling said it would be so Kato! I didn't see a thing

She'll be coming round the mountain

- That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was.

First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way. Peter, it's the male equivalent of a woman getting her tubes tied, except, it's actually a lot quicker and safer. Let these guys explain. A vasectomy's a medical procedure One that makes you half a man

the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law. My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."

Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes. And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!

Well, look at it this way. You did accomplish something. Marijuana's illegal because of you, and Stewie got to build a nice little fort with all of your unsold books. My house is made of mediocrity.

I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address. Let's see. "Aspen, Colorado." Well, you can forget that. We're not going all the way to Aspen. What? But I can't leave Rupert to perish. For the rest of my life, I'll be as lonely as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, after the rapture.

It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam.

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.

I might remember Charmese from a stag party in 1991. Ask her if she remembers getting hit in the forehead with a meatball sandwich. You guys, I can't stay married to her. This whole thing is a complete disaster! In fact, you know what?

That's Quagmire.

I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.

All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over.

These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.

Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse.

Your little peep show is over! We're taking back our men! Peep show? I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids. And nobody cheers. No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special.

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add...

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

Oh, no. Just....

You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! (DOOR SLAMMING)

Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

Lucky there 's a family guy

And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer.

Yeah, or a T. rex trying to masturbate. All right, Internet porn, check. Tissues, check. Lotion, check. Okay, let's go. Aw! (GROWLS) (ROARING)

Lois, no one really needs glasses. You wear glasses. That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.

Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

That doesn't hurt the story. And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell."

I'm afraid you're just gonna have to accept the fact that... She's gone. No!

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it.

But, Brian, I miss him!

Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing! Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man. Alyssa is all alone.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING) My God! She's dead. She's been shot! (ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy. Oh, my God. It was him!

Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.

Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is?

and that, sir, is an idiot.

"And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented. That was awful.

God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right. And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince? (SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay.

NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.

(BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian!

Now, listen very closely 'cause here's how it's gonna go down.

That's when Columbus set sail on his voyage to the New World. We're on a ship! That's right, This is the Santa Maria. One of 3 ships he took to find a route to India. Any sign of IndiA yet? Nothing yet, Captain. India? I thought he was going to America. On the contrary. Columbus discovered America entirely by mistake.

Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will. You got a deal. DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

aah! Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly.

You know, I think I missed my nap today. I'm sleepy. Well, why don't you lie down? I think I will. (SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

I got hit by a baseball! (Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You... You don't find me attractive anymore. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying.

BRIAN: So, what are we on, the first floor? CHRIS: We are on the second floor. PETER: No, no, no, here's the Banana Republic, and we just passed that. It's right back there. We parked on the Macy's side, so now we must be over here by the JCPenney. CHRIS: It looks like the first floor is mostly men's stuff, and there's a Lady Foot Locker right over there. BRIAN: All right, so we're on the third floor.

I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?

(GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life!

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming.

Yeah. Uh, i--I don't get it. So, like, can the family understand the baby? Or--Or what's-- what's the deal with that?

Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse!

Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone?

Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em.

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

You know, the anus has the second-highest density of nerve endings in the body. You remembering anything? Like maybe being the best at jump rope and not being allowed to win the ribbon just because you was a boy? Or being told everything you made in pottery class was inappropriate? Yeah, I'm getting something.

Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk!

Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke. I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. I'll tell the joke.

Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris!

We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf. B-by--By the 3rd season, I was completely wasted all the time. I--i--I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But, uh, would I do it all again? We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.

Come on, Peter, let's go. Brian, I felt something. Just now, talking to that bitch cancer widow. I think I may have a gift. Peter, we were just doing a demonstration... No, Brian. This is real. I believe I am psychic. My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic.

Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us!

Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview? Shut up and get a ladder or something. Actually, yeah. Maybe we are doing an interview.

You want anything special? What? You mean like a sandwich? Yeah. Oh, no, I mean, I couldn't... You know, whatever you make will be fine. - Hey, Biggs. - Yeah? You're just as big a part of this as...

Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids.

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

What the hell does that have to do with anything? They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.

You can't plant sausage seeds, they said.

it was Christmas Eve and some presents had been stolen. Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas. Ugh.

(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good. (MOANING) Can I help you folks find something?

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken? Lois!

What? Wow! A big star and yet so humble. James Woods High School it remains. - What? - You can't be serious. Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.

But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt.

I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin. Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body."

(SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg?

Yeah. I used to have a guy for that. Dick.

So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?

Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here. Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay.

I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twi-- Hey, Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! Get him! Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this?

Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man.

what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow.

It's even affecting Brian and Stewie. (YAWNING) I think I'm gonna take a nap. What, here? Yeah, I had a giant mobile put in the sky so I can sleep wherever I want.

(ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer

They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. (SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry!

Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help! Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there?

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion!

ANNOUNCER: Each shoe sold separate.

Damn it, Jerry, why are we the only ones still here? I don't know. We hated all the right things. Now there's nothing left to hate. I'm gonna hate that rock. No, I'm gonna hate that rock. Let's both hate that rock. I hate you. I hate you, too. Look, Stewie.

I don't want to! (GRUMBLING)

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul.

And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car. You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like washing board! Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad. Wow, he really did it.

Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING)

How do I say this? Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks,

Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do!

You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No!

- Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God,

Peter, that's someone's pet. You can't just take it.

Nah, nah Family guy

And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding. But without Nilla Wafers it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions! Now clean it up!

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems! Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin,

Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois.

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby. I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody!

My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other wet willies and funny arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt. Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was! But, back then, we were called "pole fancies." It was real good, old-fashioned, grab-the-nearest-tree and-hold-on-for-dear-life gay,

Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!

Oh, there's my apple juice.

Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

(HINGES CREAKING)

We now return you to Native American What's Happening!! Hey, Rerun, you see Dwayne? Not today. Oh, here he come. How, how, how.

God, she's more stubborn than you are! Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set. No! But you've gone for two turns! Get lost! It looks like fun and I want to do it! No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump off! (SCREAMING) - Get Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.

And I got you this bag of weed. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you. Gosh, thanks. Check you later, handsome guy. Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy.

So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened. Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room. Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father." Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong.

MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook. Hey, everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards. What's up? What's up? Hey, you know what I hate? When you eat an ice-cream cone and it's all, like, cold, and you're like... (GROANING) And you're like, "Why didn't you warn me that's so cold?" And he's like, "It's ice cream, dude." And you're like, "Oh, man!"

It's just that I don't want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could still be friends. I'd like that, too. Want to go for a swim? Sure. You're a girl? Of course I am! Oh, my God!

- Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch. Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly. I don't know... I don't know what else... Wait. Wait.

Oh, hell no! Meg! Oh, my God. Kent, I just texted you that the plan was off.

We'll show them somehow, Lois. I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews. I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways.

I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate.

None of this makes any sense. Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source, for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case. Now we're here, where the hell's our host?

If you hadn't told me I was going soft, I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

King me. I don't want to play anymore. The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug. Wh-- I--I can't. Be my angel and set me free.

And you're in. Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME) What the hell was that?

I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty

Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud when they cast their eyes on such favorites as Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow,

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

"Boy"? Oh, God. Uh... I left it on my other collar. You been chasing cars tonight, boy? Look, the name is Brian. I was just out for a little walk. That's all. Uh-huh. Without a leash. I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down! Oh. I don't believe this.

would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass?

How could we have misjudged him so severely? Oftentimes, it's the ones who seem the happiest. Well, the upside is, at least we have our old Brian back. From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about. Hey, everybody, I'm Bernie the hamster.

Freezing my nips off out here.

Do you know how to take it off?

Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his. Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch? I don't understand what... Oh, wait. What? Really? Hey, Stewie! STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard!

You just make me want to be a gayer man.

So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now. I shall do no such thing. Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her? Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him.

Come on, now, let's not talk about work. It's a dinner party. Are you and Glenn thinking about children? Unfortunately, I can't have children. Oh. Menopause? No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas. Oh, the holidays are always stressful. I have $3.74. Do something to me.

And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick he