(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.
That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby. I brought Stewie into this world. It's time for me to take him out. How the hell are you gonna do... (YELLING) Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law.
(EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share!
- (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?
Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING)
You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off,
No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.
on your poop deck. Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone.
Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and." My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took... that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company. Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited.
she hadn't eaten anything in a year. WHoo! I am such a bitch! We have everything we need. And--And no crime, no guns, no pollution. Brian's right. We've left ourselves defenseless. Guys, we need to make some guns. Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.
Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387. God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?
I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.
That's me. I'm Bob Funland.
God damn it.
Happy anniversary, Lois.
Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut! I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg? Oh, well,
Jolene.
All right. I'll do something special for her. Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!
I swear, I felt like I was waiting for Lois to get off the phone. That is amazing. All right, Bonnie. Well, it was good talking to you. No way. She did? When did she say that? You know what? That doesn't surprise me. That's how she is.
Joe, my feet are starting to swell.
Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm.
Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--
I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control
"Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.
You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!
(LAUGHS) Glug, glug, glug, glug! Can you imagine? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) I'm sorry. My hormones are just crazy right now! (WOMAN LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHILD LAUGHING)
you can drop me at the fire station, no questions asked. Well, well. Look who it is. Who is it? It's me, Peter. I'm standing right here. This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot.
All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating?
Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it.
She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party.
(GARGLING)
Oh, Peter, it was fun spending the day in bed with you. It sure was, Lois. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, you, porker. Yes, I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort. Hey, you, drunkie. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm-- Ahh! Ah, The toast is ready. I'll get it, Lois.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Glenn. Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.
I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet. (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson. Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working? So, I see you're in a band. Yep! Listen, your parents tell me you've been acting out a little bit,
Oh, my God!
(GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak?
STEWIE: This is fantastic. Nobody suspects a thing. Listen to my voice. That sounds cool. Hello. Pigs in Space.
(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!
Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough!
Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal.
Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right?
And today we're going to learn to use the potty.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it.
Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy
Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts. Oh come on. I don't have much time.
Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die.
All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh? Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made. Are you wearing a girl's sweater? Does that really matter right now? You got 10 minutes. Lights, please.
I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island. Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.
I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic.
Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...
Go to your room.
The world's gonna end!
Oh, hey, Oogy! Oh, you look tense. Well, Jillian, there is something we need to talk about. What is it? I just wanted to spend some time with you.
I don't... I don't wanna lose anybody!
Can you spell that for me? Certainly. That's Robert Loggia. R as in Robert Loggia. O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia." B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia." E as in "Everybody loves Robert Loggia."
Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you
Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way
Come on, guys, what do you say?
(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!
There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.
That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over. ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation is brought to you by Sanka.
Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Lois, you're not gonna believe this! Meg just said "Da-Da!" Her first words? Then she stood up by herself and started walking! Her first steps? Yeah. What the hell are you doing in here anyway?
Barreling around the Earth at 5 miles per second, watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe.
PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire. Hey, let's have a drink with them. You've never touched a drop, Peter. You don't even know those guys. Those are your friends over there. Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down?
Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex?
Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake,
Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness. Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse!
You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?
What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people.
Yeah, there was a pretty positive review carved in Tony's ass. All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father... that we're here for his band's first performance. The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Ouahog... Fat, Horny, Black and Joe.
(GROANS) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) Where am I? Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society.
Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money!
That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)
Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.
Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face,
So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...
Not okay!
Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.
Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.
Tonight's our family night. We agreed that every Sunday, we'd do something together. (MEG CLEARS THROAT) What? Oh, nothing. I was just clearing my throat. Good. I thought you were going to say something. But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games!
Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine.
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you.
Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly
ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!
She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch,
I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1. I think I may have made a mistake. No, no, no, no, this is it. You're in the right place.
The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack
There. But beware, no man has ever returned. Many have gone. All have been lost. Vanished, never to be seen again. No one has ever come back, I guess-- I guess, would be the--the-- the central theme of what I'm trying to get across here.
I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him.
Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy!
I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg. I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is... I'll never forget you. (SIGHS) I am sorry there has been conflict between us.
You've got to be aggressive, even more aggressive than Michael Jackson's treatment of his own groin on stage. (GRUNTING) (WHOOPS)
Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me? I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois. It's gonna to be fun. It is? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow! The jocks have never said hello to me before. Hi, you guys. Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut. She's really sweet and struggling to raise a family. It's gonna be great! Wow! You did it, Connie. Chris Griffin is popular!
Bring it on!
I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.
This is gonna be awesome! You said it. (IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet? (IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny. (IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man.
What is it, Glenn? Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me? Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire. DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail.
Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!
Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you!
Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes.
I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...
(HISSING)
And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight.
Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar!
Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house.
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word
Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it!
I have a Barney pen in my purse.
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that,
This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of... NIKKI: 24!
Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)
Stu! Stu! Stu!
Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
I think I know what you're getting at.
Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland.
(SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg?
Somebody's stealing my water!
Hey, Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night? Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun? Heh, heh, All right!
I used to think that John Lennon was kind of a jerk for saying The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but now, I mean, it's like, I'm not saying I am, but I get it. You know, now that we have two minutes to kind of let the dust settle,
That's his character. That's how... I mean, he's that kind of... No! Forget it. Forget it. You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it. Let's just do something else to make money. And we will be back. Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault.
He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me. MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
- Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past.
Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around.
but they can eat my ass,
Well, I know the signs, because the same thing happened to me. An older neighbor. Her name was Elaine. I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups. I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old. Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie.
I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him.
Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot left foot, right foot
Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!
I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business. (IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No!
Brett Favre. Uh-huh. I'm listening. William H. Macy? You guys are going away for a long time.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity. That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day.
Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters. l'm Dan Rather.
You know, Silly Putty's awesome, but you know what's really cool? Serious Putty. Ooh! This looks like fun! It says I have cancer. We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg.
Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.
We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now!
Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob. You're thinking of the Mob in the movies. How am I funny? I don't know. You say funny things. No, No. I mean, I'm what? Am I George Carlin funny? Am I Spin City funny? Rita Rudner funny? What? Come on. Rita Rudner funny. Yeah. Rita Rudner funny. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.
A...
I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will. Earth angel, earth angel
Who wants to sing show tunes? In old... Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now. Fine.
So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great.
Peter, I think you should go.
Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit?
Would you ever have one? Never!
I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts. No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!
Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.
Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai
JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp.
Oh, God! No!
(HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?
Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled.
PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad.
Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair! Well, Lois, I am now a graduate of the Quahog Police Academy and an official on-duty cop. Oh, I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer. Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am.
(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!
Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?
(SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.
(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary. All right, look, let's just go. Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for Johnny. Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it. GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water.
That's right, Dad. You never ask.
My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.
This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!
and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out!
(GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!
What is it, Glenn? Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me? Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire.
Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.
I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is. Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... This is Peter Griffin.
and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.
I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open
Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck.
But today's breaking news is that the New England Toy and Game Company has issued an immediate recall of all of its stuffed bears, like the one shown here. The bear's eyes can become easily detached and pose a potential choking hazard. Oh, my God, that's the same teddy bear Stewie has. We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this.
Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones.
He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..."
Every president, every CEO, every douche bag named Ryan Seacrest. The Skull and Bones Society has been a part of my family for decades, and we want you to become a member. - Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent. You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet.
ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you. Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady.
Are you kidding? I think they're great!
Hey, Open up in there! Hey, What are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world! I'm here to keep you from making an error. A pilot error. Jeez, I probably shoulda worn mittenS! Nice going, fat-- Hey, hey, I was just trying to save your lives.
There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane! Okay, I heard kitty cat.
I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line. I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife.
Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay.
please vote for Lois Griffin.
No! What--What would make you say that?
Wait a second. You were born in 1948?
I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car.
Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and... And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that. Hey, you guys.
Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine.
He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin. Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration. Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy?
Freshman!
which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg.
I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here? Well, I heard you're the new Nielsen family.
Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death!
(STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING)
If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my!
(WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING)
Morning, Mr. griffin. Nice day. Ah, It's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie. I hate this tie. It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go. And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.
I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here. Mine!
Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?
But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!
I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me!
I think this is a meth lab. Oh, my God. You mean like as in... D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? What's going on? What are you guys talking about? Uh-oh. Someone's getting cranky. I think he needs an N-A-P. What's happening? Where are you taking me?
Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone.
I can fly! OH, My God! ahh! Ugh! I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns.
Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house.
(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Barkeep, petro-nemo-slappy-wag.
- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face
Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.
Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours.
I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl. (GROWLS) I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl. Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope. The end.
Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny.
My God! I'm a tomato!
(RETCHING)
If it rang, like, six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois. That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button and sent it straight to voicemail. You know what? Give me your phone. I bet he'll pick up. Hey, hey, Lois! Hey, you, it's Peter. What the hell? We were supposed to do something today.
I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you!
Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.
- Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just....
That's how I used to lure wayward sailors to their deaths with my siren song. (HUMMING THEME FROM THE ROCKFORD FILES)
Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)
We pray. Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?
Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart.
Wow. You work out!
"'Allo, Mother.
ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air.
Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie!
The safety word is "banana."
I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too.
Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?
How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.
Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.
God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.
Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart.
The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.
Peter, what... What are you doing?
I don't know what seven of those words were.
Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.
like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka. (MEN CHATTERING) I once knew a guy who was so Arab... How Arab was he? He was so Arab that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.
(SIGHS) Why am I doing this?
It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.
Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.
Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it.
you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.
But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald. Hey, Mr. President! Mr. President, up here! I voted for you! Wait a minute. That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun. He's gonna shoot the President. Holy smokes, I've got to do something. All right, Lee. Time to become an American hero.
Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!
And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then, son, You know... Oh, my God! Fire! Aw, jeez, Let's get out of heRE! Run, you stupid bastards!
- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.
Well, you know, I've been sorta just hanging back here, taking all this in, cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight, but my money's on Harry Potter over there. Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass? Well, I don't know if it's funny. I think it's clever. (STUTTERS) I mean, you got the big glasses there. I don't know. Tell me, tell me what's on your mind. Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad.
(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.
Gay?
Something I should've done a very long time ago.
"Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time? Don't you see, you guys? I did this for the family.
You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up! (BOTH MOANING) All right, come on, everyone. Go get dressed. It's ballet night.
aah! That'll be $27.50.
It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What?
So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman.
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.
You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Look, I was drunk out of my mind.
(HAN SCREAMING)
like a non-praying mantis.
I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well.
(GULPS) There we go. It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time.
PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle?
We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!
(SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.
Fifteen minutes, Mr. Christ. Wow, Jesus, can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno? Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter.
Hey, kid. Catch. Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.
Brian's dead!
And you know that water slide in South Attleboro? (CHILDREN LAUGHING) Yeah! Water slide! Summer fun! It was the greatest day of my life, and I owe it all to alcohol.
In the wife! In the wife! The life of the wife is ended by the knife Bravo, Eliza! The life of the wife is ended by the knife
I don't think you're a very good friend. I am not gonna listen to you anymore. Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty. And I just might reach into your brain and do this. Okay, I'll listen. That's my boy. Now, grab my bacon grease and slather me up some homeys.
(SNAPS) (POPPING) (HORN BLOWS) (YELPS) (GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING) Oh! I love this song! Hey!
Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) Lauren is in the back. Just follow the music and you will find her. Thanks. (VIOLIN PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money?
(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)
And now back to Disney's Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts. There's way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation!
(SHOUTING)
Call it hell, call it heaven
Hi! I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips on blowing up the Death Star. First off, never forget your objective. There are gonna be so many folks coming at you to slow you down, you might feel like you got a bull's-eye on your head. No, but they will be trying to kill you.
FLY: Okay, now where now? PETER: Right there. Right... I'm having some trouble here. PETER: It's right there! It's right in front of you! FLY: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left! No, that's not it. That's just more wall. PETER: How many eyes do you have, huh? FLY: Just two, same number as you, but you know... I'm not... PETER: Just go! Oh, my God!
(SCREAMS) LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there?
Ah, Lunch is here. Everyone, we've reached our goal!
Ahh! ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh!
If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!
A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat.
You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
I stole $10 from Meg's room! I stole $10 from Mom's purse! I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years. Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one. But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words. I'll give you each $20.
Check it out. Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to. I've been spoiled by Internet porn. - It's true. - Totally. What do you mean, "Internet porn"? You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands,
(DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)
You son of a bitch!
Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off?
You want me to cover that, too? How long are you guys gonna be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats. Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.
(FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home. Angela, I did it. I finished the third grade. I'm ready for my promotion. Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital. - You're going to jail. - What? What, you think everyone just forgot about that?
What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me?
Yeah, I'd watch that. Sure. Me, too. Sounds like a good balance. And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
PETER: It turned out the joke already had quite a history. Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.
The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash.
It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!
Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And Space Ghost. What are you doing? Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING) I can almost hear the stillness As it yields to the sound of your heart beating
Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house. Ah! A ghost!
What? What?
No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this. You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
(SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way! No, Luke, don't run downhill!
"Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay. Or is he? Let's read on. Ok, I'll be there.
Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime.
So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.
It was you. you know, Clowns and petting zoos book months in advance. Y-y-You're gonna have a tough time finding a... Oh, Hold on. Ya! Ya! Some day.
(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)
Where's Daddy? Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible. I can hear you, but I can't see.... Well, he must really be gone! - Peekaboo! - How the hell did you do that? I thought you'd disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my.... Great, leave when I'm in the middle ofa sentence.
It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song. Is that all? Yeah.
Can I see your driver's license and registration, please? Is there a problem, Officer? QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)
But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew! Hey, Fulcher.
Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke.
Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I
No! Oh, God, it's cold!
Hey, Death, I got a favor to ask you. Could you let me go back in time and be 18 again? What, are you high? No. Coming up next on ESPN, Women's Professional... All right, you win. Let's go. But just for one night.
What the hell's this for? When the time comes, you'll know. I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland.
He's behind the Chinese checkers.
Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home!
Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you, it wasn't at home. Was it, Chris? No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me. Oh, I should have figured. Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one! You told me that one. I sure did.
There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub? Oh, this is not a bathtub. This is the SS Pewterschmidt Kicker. This is ridiculous.
Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh?
I mean, no T.V.?
I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly? I'm sorry, Karina. If only you were a boy.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt! No! Stewie, Daddy needs your tiny hands for a very special project. Well, good heavens, that's something, isn't it? By the way, Mr. Griffin, regarding your X-rays,
That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip...
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!
Ugh! I hate wet-dog smell.
I'm... I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan! (CELL PHONE RINGING) STEWIE: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?
Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come. Look at that, Brian. Cleveland is back living across the street. Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time. So what does that mean?
Brian had sex with a really dumb girl
Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!
Hey, Meg. 18 yet?
I love how all the servers look like celebrities from the '50s. Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, and look, there's James Dean after the accident. Let me tell you about tonight's specials. Oh, look, Cleveland finally made it. Oh, hey there, Griffins.
Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke.
Yeah, Joe, even RoboCop took a day off once in a while. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Nope.
I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.
Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. aah!
Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich? I don't want to die! Why is everybody acting weird? Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve. What I did? That I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo? No.
Like Gandhi or Mozart or Picasso.
Hey, Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs? I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?
(EXPLOSION)
You think I'd miss this party?
Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987. ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta.
For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.
Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING)
Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy
My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja What the hell's wrong with you?
yeah! In your ... face, ...!
JOE: Peter, no!
Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. Ah, So much rug burn! Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon.
You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened? Well, it was 1996. Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers east of Providence, which is mostly just open water, but still, I'd been undercover,
BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.
Well, well, a lost child. Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing.
We are so sorry.
All right, Poligrip, this is where you earn your money. Oh, my. Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it!
I guess it just goes to show that you-- Shut up and let's do it! (LOIS) Oh, Peter! (PETER) Yes! Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein.
Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no!
Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!
Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, Who's your frienD? It's a work thing, Ma. Near-death experiencE. Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you!
Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!
You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
- You write your own lyrics? - Yeah.
Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context.
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl.
Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!
(BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.
10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter!
Brian, are you going straight back to the hotel? 'Cause I was gonna go back... You know what, I'll just... I'll take a cab.
Good evening. Stevenson residence. Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin." Hi, Mom! Hi, Chris. Put your father on. Hey, Dad?
I got a surprise for you. Doritos! Huh? Not now. Later.
"I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
Me! Me! (LAUGHING)
Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS)
If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.
QUAGMIRE: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who is it?
and have a wonderful time Is that it? Oh, No, no. It's, uh, And something, something all day Right? Oh, man! I've lost all faith in mankind. Music is dead to me now. Hey, now's our chance! Let's do it!
Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you? What are you, nuts? Shut up, round-eye!
Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice. You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist. (LAUGHING) Really, Brian? He doesn't exist? That's right, he's not real. Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian. Who else isn't real, hmm?
Great! Who's my partner? Hey there, hot stuff!
Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God! Pope, the floor is not a hamper! Man!
(SIGHS) All right, Charmese, I'll do it. If that's what it takes, I'll have sex with another man. (RINGS) Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy. We're gonna pull you out of that school.
Oh, my God! What the hell's happening?
Greetings, loyal minions. (GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!
Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake! They're real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.
Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! Cripple. Damn it!
Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.
Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car. Hey, Meg, I'll pay you a dollar a day to smell my sneakers.
No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)
f wanna iitterhug Jitterbug You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky high when your lo Vin I starts Jitterbug into my brain Goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same
All right, everybody got your bowling shoes? Everybody got your balls? I don't have my shoes. Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes? I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules.
He found it! Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!
(SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened. As soon as that guy shows up any place, it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth.
(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.
- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!
(AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.
You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you!
Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis!
I... I don't get it. So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week.
What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie.
What the hell is going on out there?
I haven't been this excited since I learned how to speak Braille. Hey, bump, bump, no bump, bump, three vertical bumps, four bumps and a square. (LAUGHING) Yeah, I've heard they all look alike.
Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor.
But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin. "Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..." Oh, look, "Ably performed by the entire ensemble." - That's us. - That's all of us. Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.
"0, Captain! my Captain!"
bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter.
- And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think That love is only That love is only For the lucky For the lucky
So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand.
What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur.
You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance? Meg, haven't we taught you better than that? N-Now, hold on, Lois. now, People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted.
Good game, Mean Joe. You want some of my Coke? Hey, kid. Catch. Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.
Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost. Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello. You and I are going on a date Saturday night.
Come on! You like the park, right?
Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.
Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on!
Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.
So, did you let him have it?
Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs.
Sex on T.v.
Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it. You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here! (GRUNTING) Hey! This punk's not worth it.
I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Sorry, y'all. That's the first time I ever throwed anything.
I was walking with my professor, when I saw this woman who was... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer. Be careful, Lois.
Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it?
Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)
Yee... Haw!
No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere? My wife, Denise. We met in a Christian chat room.
(BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING)
ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids?
Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm-- I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names.
Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie. (BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.
"'but I just don't have the time.'" "'You should make the time,' said the farmer."
oh-oh.
Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)
Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!
Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!
Come on, sugar. It's time. Thank God. Oh, He's cute. Aren't you precious? Lethal injection. Next! What? Oh, no! You can't do this! Who's up for a little lunch? Something festive.
- Ha! You should tweet that. - Okay.
My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay. Boy, I bet Brian would love these pancakes.
(SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting.
Fletch. Is it Fletch? It is Fletch. What do you wanna do now? I got an idea. How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING)
So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?
All right, let's everybody just calm the fuck down.
central nervous system and basic motor skills.
And, in other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school, was killed last night when his motorcycle careened off Dead Man's Curve. Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene. But they decided it was best not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives.
Peter, What's wrong with you?
Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And Space Ghost. What are you doing? Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.
In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project. Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed. Well, someone should be. I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris.
So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House.
I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am.
(GROANING) Yes! Yes! Hang on a second. (BELLOWING)
Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.
Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long. Oh, damn! How is it? You know what? We'll put you in the '80s. You'll pass for hot. Now, get in the van with Kelly McGillis. Next stop, Hollywood! (BRAYING)
Jesus Christ!
That's what she said.
He called me names.
I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to... ...here with your BS.
Well, excuse me for being retarded. My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...!
Who asked you to try hard?
but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay?
Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you?
Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE!
I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different. I don't know.
(INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)
Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"!
Fat people are immoral. How do you figure, sports fan? They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention. (CHUCKLING) It's a bus driver's uniform.
Some hardcore shit, right? Wow.
Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises. Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay. I'm a banana I'm a banana Peel the banana Peel the banana Now go bananas! Go, go bananas! Go!
Come into my home, will ya? I'll show you, you bastards.
I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.
drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values
That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident. That was great fun. I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball. I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow. Dad! Wait! You forgot me again!
And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.
Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well, don't you know about the bird?
Can I have it, even though it's dinnertime? Sure, Chris. "Drink Ensure as a meal, or in-between meals. "Or when you're on the go!" Is Mort still in the bathroom? I'll go see if he's all right. Mort? Hello? Mort? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking-on-the-street paws.
Again! Again! I love repetition!
Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING) What do you want, homo?
Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!
The safety word is "banana." - I love you. - ugh!
(PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week.
(CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring.
Well, if we wait till tax day, I'm sure the tax man will show up. - Ha! You should tweet that. - Okay. (PHONE BUZZES) (CHUCKLES) This guy's hilarious. I'm gonna retweet this. (PHONES BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Huh. JOE: Mmm. Social media is bringing us all closer together. Unfollow.
Not all dogs go to heaven. So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go.
Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
(SNAPPING) All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy... A guy who loses everything,
So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation.
Well, Meg has the mumps all right. How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal? I never got a mumps shot. Really? Well, I'd caution you that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications. In some cases, the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.
Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn.
Yes, sir. All right, I wanna see it. Previously on Survivor, Grace won immunity after lying to Kyle about a stomach virus. I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.
Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen? (GIGGLES) Well, Cindy, I guess it's true that big things come in small packages. (ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, Stewie, time for bed. You want Mommy to read you a night-night story? Oh, how about this one? (STEWIE READING TITLE) (LOIS READING) STEWIE: Who is this book for?
It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?
Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.
(INDISTINCT)
Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go.
ALL right, That's enough of that.
You forgot to say... I forgot to say "clear."
We all know what's going on here.
Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face!
Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing. Peter, you did a really nice thing helping Billy get back together with his wife. Yeah, and the best part is he's out of the house and back in the ocean.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Where to find a Baum, or Stein, or Stein to teach me how to whine and do my taxes
Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up?
No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano?
Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?
(MUFFLED SINGING) Come on, Anne, sing along. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch. The one I love forever is untrue And if I could you know that I would fly away with you
Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie
I sound like a Jewish See 'n Say. MAN'S VOICE: The uncle says... (CLEARING THROAT) The grandpa says... OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh! Kent told me he's gay, and even worse, he likes Chris!
Wish I had one of those. I've got a whole box of them. Take it. It's yours. No charge. Typical Jew.
Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog. Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis,
What if Jesus had done that? (CHILDREN CLAMORING) Why is the ironing board still out? That's-- That's my favorite picture of Brian over there on that wall.
Oh, yeah, sure. Then whose is it? MAN: It's mine. I'm Dick Pump, and I'd appreciate it if you hooligans didn't get your eggs all over my parcel. Sorry. I keep getting your mail, Dick. Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff.
He's moving it forward. See, Peter? Now tap Peter. Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises. Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay.
Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this. Who was in charge of the tractor beam? That was me. Oh, yeah? Well... You have failed me for the last time.
That's the Pumpkin Festival.
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live from the 35th annual Quahog Veteran's Day celebration. Yes, it was 35 years ago today that James Veteran stood up to City Hall and said, "I demand a parade in my name." And after a heated bidding war with Edward Memorial and Reginald Aprilfools, he got his wish.
Oh, relax. The old girl doesn't have too much to wag about these days anyway. Hey, Meg, try and guess the word I'm thinking of right now. And it's not "kitty." "Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up?
I'm the king of the world! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Wake me up before you go-go Don 't lea ve me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go And take me dancing tonight
Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. (SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.
Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my!
Frank, there you are. Mia Farrow? What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? Oh, leave me alone. Get over here, young man. Damn it all.
If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body.
The whereabouts of these suspects are currently unknown. - You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car. - Yeah, can I just finish watching this? - You can watch TV anytime. I'm starving. Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!
Maybe if I feel bad,
It's just that Romeo and Juliet gets me every time.
(TIRES SQUEALING) We made it! Hallelujah! Get some!
He just laid there and took it. Did he? Yeah. And now every time you're sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.
Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar?
Why is everybody acting weird? Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve. What I did? That I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo? No. That I had hard gas and pooed myself? Close, but still no. How is that close?
Oh, I have a feeling he already knows.
What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it?
I love you too, son.
Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.
Peter paid the villagers to reenact the "Contest" episode of Seinfeld. " am out. Huh? I am out. I have pleasured myself. Dad, I've had enough of you taking advantage of these people. For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess.
She said "Obi-One" Kenobi. I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi? Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?
this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week.
Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. And, The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake. You see, Meg? I'm the favorite!
Guys, you got to let us out of here. The real criminal's getting away. Yeah, the bastard's making a break for it, just like South America. Hmm. Lot of black guys over there. Hey, man, where you going? I'll be back. I'm coming back. I'll be right back.
Look, Stewie, I'm hanging the ornament you made at preschool. Just hang it up. Why do you have to narrate everything you do? Peter, you want to put the star on top of the... Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this. Wait a second. It's coming. There it is!
You, that's what's going on.
Oh, wait, wait. BILF. Total BILF.
Fuck!
We should all be so gay! Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh? Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero. Look, you'll see. At the Navy Ball, you'll see how much of a man he is and how everyone in the military respects him.
Peter? A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!
sagging breasts and flabby buttocks makes me want to vomit. Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother.
Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice!
Oh, of course. Give him some uranium, Mean Joe Greene. Hey, kid, catch. Thanks, Mean Joe! He's not really mean at all. No, he's a nice guy.
Peter, we were just doing a demonstration... No, Brian. This is real. I believe I am psychic. My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic.
(LAUGHING)
a Jew
Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking.
When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie. This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up?
Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly!
I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.
I know, and it's doing wonders. Come here, puss. Come here. Come here, puss. Here, puss. What are you doing? Calling the cat. We don't have a cat. That's a throw pillow. (CRYING)
No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"?
Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No.
Now you're saying only one of them was? But I just want you guys to know I barely even touched that penis at first. What? Come on, Dad. Whatev. Hey, why's it so hot in here? It's too hot in here. Wait a minute. An Ed Hardy T-shirt? That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007,
We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock But it wasn't a rock
Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet?
hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?
OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already?
Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?
My fat baby loves to eat
Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! Ok. Um, This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. W-What's new, Ed? WEll, Stewie, tonight We have a really big show. Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides.
Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for? I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school.
And now with sports, here's Framptal Tromwibbler. FRAMPTAL TROMWIBBLER: From the world of sport, the Contein Spinky Whompers flumped the Floing Boing Welfenclumpers, 70 fluff to 40 flabe. At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad. (TONE SOUNDING) I'm not sure about any of that.
Okay, Brian, watch. Here comes my big part. Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here?
Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they? Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog.
Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are!
remember what happened when he tried to sneak me into the County Fair? Uh, One, please. Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no, No! Nothing about this adds up at all!
(SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!
That no one can deny It's still the same old story A fight for love and glory
All right, go ahead.
Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms. (CHEERING) In photography studios.
Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad! (CRYING)
And honestly, when I turn 18, I don't know that I ever want to see you again. (SOBBING) Oh, wow, everybody's already tweeting "Stewie Just Said That." You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry.
Because i'm--i'm ri-- I'm here.
but this is my playground.
Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks.
A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations. A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting. And where Ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat. We're the proud nation where someone can shoot up their entire workplace with a thing, and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing.
Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done. You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
(GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!
Peter!
Peter, you get down from that tree this instant. PETER: No, you're going to yell at me! You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names. You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation. Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois. Would that make you happy if I was never born?
God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke!
What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
And we also have evidence that Darth Vader tried to buy yellowcake uranium from unwed teenage mothers.
Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.
No, don't get that. That's a bad cereal. Get some of the Boo Berry.
Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot.
Wait a minute. You can't--You can't just push me aside. I made you! And I can destroy you! Goddamn. They must've put it in the wrong baby. Oh, Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you.
And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!
You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge.
The Chris Farley method, that's good.
and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are. All right, hang on. Here we go.
Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad.
I say! Where the hell are we?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone.
Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town.
- Just be back by bedtime. - Okay. Lunch is ready, everyone. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, Lois. This is... - This is white bread. - Yeah. So? Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? No. This was cheaper. I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread.
"Or do you?" She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she? Are you a woman? No.
(FARTS) (AIR HISSING) (FARTS) (AIR HISSING)
I killed one of my own kind, Stewie. How would you feel if you killed a baby? Well, I've killed seven, but the point is you might feel better if you just confess to what you've done.
f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go!
Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe. i just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner at Cheesie Charlie's. Why Cheesie Charlie's?
Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night.
Lucky there 's a family guy
That's proof he must be A big, fat Heeb God's real flabby With an ass so wide His arms look like pillows
Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby.
Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious! I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist. Get it? Tooth hurty?
What the hell kind of dog is that? I was going to ask the same thing. That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM)
You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake. (Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore.
You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company. Oh, I don't, do I? Well, let me tell you a little story. It was hours after my accident. I was barely conscious on the operating table, but I'll never forget the phone call that changed my life. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of your policyholder, Joe Swanson.
Well, i-I'm getting something really special, too. And--And by special, I don't mean special like that Klinemann boy down the street. More special like--like Special K, the cereal. Hey, What did they do with the regular K? And for that matter, whatever happened to Kaye Ballard? Y-You know, if you said "mallard" and you had a cold, it would sound like "Ballard". Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Last chance, Brian. Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What? Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing.
Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter.
And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...
Mmm. I hope these taste as good as they look. Gerald! (CHUCKLES) The secret is in the frosting, but I'll never tell.
I could have gotten over the fact that you're a dog,
Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama?
I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. (POPS MOUTH) Peter, this is serious.
All right, getting a tooth to lure that damn fairy back shouldn't be too difficult.
Good show, old chap. Well played.
(ANNE MURRAY SINGING OVER STEREO) All right, Rupert, you ready to get lost in some Anne? Gentle breezes where the peaceful waters flow Spread your tiny wings and fly away
LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah.
She's been shot! (ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.
Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends! Well, I thought they could provide some insights that might improve your love life. Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy. Yet, somehow, things didn't work out.
I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.
Not so well!
Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in. I'll eat it when I'm ready! HI. I'm ready! Well, Time for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie. And we have something very tasty for big fat you. Bon appetit. Oh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it.
Sha-zooo.
"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet!"
Well, if there are only four of us, I propose we start a band. And I propose we call ourselves Robes of Teal. Aw, damn it. Well, we could still be a band and choose a different name. Oh, no, Robes of Teal was the whole thing.
(GROANING ANGRILY)
I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, find the Easter egg. I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt. Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here.
Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud.
That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war. There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq. Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta. Newport would like to extend a special welcome... to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding.
You know, Chris, a little friendly advice. Uh. You're gonna start dating soon. Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah.
Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?
Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE!
I mean, he's so damn sweet and saccharine and perfect, and he's turning the family into a bunch of douches. Big deal. You always told me I was a douche. Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche.
I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin.
(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.
PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman. GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning... but right now, I am exhausted.
Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while.
What kind of suit do you want to be buried in?
Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness.
All right, what do you say we get this thing started, huh?
Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen.
No... Yeah, we'll hang on to Boys' Life. Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.
From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this.
Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!
"hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons?" Peter, no! Peter, Now you're just being brainless.
(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that?
You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad. No--No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late. And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away.
Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?
WOMAN: This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money.
(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way
I think we're losing them. Wait! I got to hear more! Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high! Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station! Last time I do somebody a favor! Oh, God! They must have heard me! Oh, God! I can hear me!
Wow! Mel Gibson's secret screening room. Hey, what's this? The Messiah, he's gone.
I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.
Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.
(GROANS) I am exhausted. Can this day get any more stressful?
We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian!
You mind stopping by tomorrow morning?
Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man?
It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man.
I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.
Screw you, Peter.
Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good. Oh, My God! They're at it again! Oh, All this time spent keeping people from having sex! Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing!
Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, now, let me understand this, what are you here to promote, James? Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no!
Hand.
Holy crap!
Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?
Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead.
Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.
All right, well, we should get your overalls off first.
"Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP. HEy, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake?
Hang on!
Do you want us to pull over?
I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes. It's a soccer horn. I know what it is!
I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it.
Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman. " don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody. Sold.
The meeting of the Cool Kids Club will be at 3:15, leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV in the parking lot. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me?
Thank goodness I've got you
and I feel like we had a connection.
Joan, it's great to have you here. No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time. Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick. What is this? A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in 10 years. Hey, keep digging. Oh, ColecoVision. Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.
(CHIRPING)
That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square? Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!
But Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High, an egg drop conducted by teacher Randall Fargas seems to have gone horribly, horribly wrong. We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.
Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie. (WHISPERING) She doesn't know what "Mr." means. Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West, Mr. Oh, my God, seriously. I know what you're all thinking, but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together,
Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here?
BRIAN: Hey, check it out, lemon snow. What? Yeah, that stuff's delicious. Lemon snow? You mean it just falls from the sky like that? You bet. One of nature's treats. You gonna have some? No, I'm already full.
Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?
And now the real reason to have an HDTV.
STEWIE: Hello, Mother.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not. Like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out ofjury duty. Awful lot of honkies in here.
Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck. Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck.
Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa!
Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.
Look, Chris. It's a whole family of WASPs. My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham. Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
After all, i-it isn't really his timE. What did you make this cocoa out of, crap? If you want me to make it again, I-- Sorry, Lois. I-it's my fault. I just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap! I'll be right back.
Why should we?
My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)
They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante! (ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING)
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill.
Peter, what the hell's going on here?
You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out. And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.
I grabbed the Golden Globe and slipped out. I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do. I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside.
Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh!
ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich. Boy, this stinks. It's Friday night and I don't have a date. Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book. (CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports.
Good night, honey. Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. Good night. Not now, Abby.
What did you see? Was it breasts?
Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. (SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!
it'll give me the rush I've been looking for. (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, thank you. Thank you.
(CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!
Oh, no. There's a policeman coming. (ALL GASP) All right, everybody, you know what to do. Alcoholics, transform.
text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting.
Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!
- Bye, Mom. - Bye! All right, kids. Have a good day at school. Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there. I'll always be there, Dylan. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko.
All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage. Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion.
Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage.
They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay. Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified.
(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.
(YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else?
Does that casual-looking shuttle have a code clearance? Well, it's an older code, sir. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) But it checks out. Wait a minute.
All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look.
There's nothing I want more Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you
Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing? I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter, but I love you and I can't stand it anymore! Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down! This is a good sweater! Off! Off! Brian, I think you'd better go.
HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?
Okay, you... You can read the next one. (LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you. Okay, okay, okay. - Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.
So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland? Pretty good. I made a spaceship... Wait a minute. I'm not talking to you. Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room. It stinks in here. Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING)
I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle. Childhood obesity.
We climbed Mount Everest! Isn't it amazing, Brian? You can see for... Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
or an Italian guy needs to over exaggerate.
I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back, selling buttscratchers at the ballpark. Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher! Get your buttscratcher here! Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher? Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher. Buttscratcher. MAN: Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher!
So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England. I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off. All right, all right. I tell you what, - you get one free revenge shot at me. - Okay.
Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on?
Oh, Seeing her kiss you like that just made me crazy. Well, i--I guess we're just gonna have to learn to control our jealousy, together. Together. Ma'am, you dropped your napkin. Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later. I love you, Lois. I love you, too, Peter.
Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people. You guys, we're still on in Boston.
When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial. ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it!
(LA CUCARACHA PLAYING)
We now return to E!'s Mysteries and Scandals. Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen. Pearl? I'm A.J. Benza. You won't find Pearl Burton's name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Yet from 1945 to 1960, you couldn't turn on a radio or A television without hearing one of her trademark jinglES.
Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp. Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.
Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?
I'm taking credit for finding this body. (ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?
Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! Play with this!
Oh, That's better than sex!
Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.
You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.
The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight. NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn.
Uptown emergency. Don't got to finish my green beans. Peter, you stay there and finish those green beans. But my stomach's upset on account of the news.
Rape?
Fat man with his kids and dog drove in through the morning fog Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat.
What sort of overblown contract has that dreadful bitch landed now? Most of you know Olivia as the adorable little girl in the Tasty Juice ads. Hey, Mom, can I have some soda? No, but you can have some Tasty Juice. It has only one-third the sugar of soda. Mmm. Delicious. Thanks, Mom.
- Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter? No, he's at work. Lame. Oh. Well, what do you want? I hear you're kind of a cool guy. Thought maybe we could hang out. Uh, okay. Okay! Carter and Quandary, hanging out. All right, I just got to go take a misty, stop-and-go piss in your bathroom,
Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad. No, Dad. (HEARTBEAT THUMPING)
and I haven't even got to drive it yet. Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.
And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed
You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I'm on a highway to hell Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell Highway to hell You are banished from our community at once!
Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING)
The work is really quite easy. Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered with something that resembles egg crates, except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie.
Stand up, all fat men Stand up straight Stand up because no chair Can hold your weight If God created us
And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list
Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog!
Are we really buying fish at the same place we buy tires? And, what... "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player?
Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad. Wow, he really did it.
like walking a floral arrangement through an office full of fat women. Is there a Miss...es? (ALL SIGH IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
"Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay. Or is he? Let's read on.
I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you.
Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous. Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go. What is this? It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.
You've really got to stop misbehaving.
(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter!
Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.
Now, few people realize that until 1928, there were no hoses, and you actually had to fight fires with your bare hands. I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?
What? I would never work with David Spade!
(LAUGHS) I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time. You suck donkey ass. Now you can't prove that. That was so humiliating!
ooh, Our leader is here to take us on our journey! My children, rejoice. The hour of transformation is close at hand. Who are you? This is Meg, O, wise one. Can she come with us? Perhaps. Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment and a heart that seeks purity?
wasted on all of you! Well, It looks like we're gonna to have to reconsider. Brian, we want you... Yes! off the stage. But your young friend there would make a perfect addition to the school's Rising Star Program. Well, splendid! This calls for a sexy party!
So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine.
What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?
STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers.
Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland. (LAUGHING) (GROANS)
"You made porn," or "You made a porno."
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead!
You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop.
And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02
Damn these worms. Ow, this itch. Brian, what the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just some Pilates. Don't lie to me, Brian. I know what this is. You're looking for an ass-race. First one to the kitchen wins. Go!
f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.
Ifl whispered in your ear that Commander Worf's head... looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh? - Yeah, I could get in on that. - All right! Here it comes! Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny! - You can both suck my ridges. - Get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick.
All right, all right. Okay. All right. (SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo.
One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect.
That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane? I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him. He's probably hurt, or lost, or--or--or shanghaied by pirates!
We need your help again. And, not to get too personal, but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan. (FAST-FORWARDING) And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so... This is just, like, logistical stuff. I'll check that later. ...Joey Lawrence haircut.
It would be wise not to anger him.
I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace!
Hey, wait a minute. If this is an imposter, then this guy we're following never had cancer. Yeah, so? Well, you're a dog. Can't you just sniff cancer? No, that's just a myth we started so we could stick our snouts in girls' boobs. (SIGHS) It's nice to have a clean bill of health. Well, for now. The key is weekly follow-ups. You know, cervical cancer is also a problem.
How can you even say that?
He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.
Is that right? Keep the change. Road House. (SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap!
good-bye good-bye good-bye
Ta-da.
MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two. Great. What is your primary source of income?
That's the car-wash thief! Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you!
I know. I was wrong. I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna. Please, just give me another chance. Gosh! He doesn't look so good. I know. But you do. You know, I get off at 4:00.
I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh!
He made her watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python stuff that isn't funny or memorable. MAN ON TV: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town, and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing." I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches.
Look at those morons and their stupid glasses. Oh, man. I hate those guys. More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of MaSH. When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh? Am I right? Who's with me? Huh?
Ow! Ow! Yeah, that's right, "Ow." Now, you swallow that. Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted. - I said swallow it! - (GULPS) Now, smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open. Look at yourself, you filthy whore. (GRUNTS)
We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers. Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!
Well, learn my birthday, asshole!
Car! Car! Car!
Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe. We're exactly alike, you and I. Now we can be together.
Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up.
and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us.
I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it.
We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane,
Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911!
"Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock, "and then cram it to the bottom of the hamper "like it's been there a long time." The word of the Lord. Praise be to God. Praise be to God.
duh!
Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Look, sir, droids. Look, a penny. Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.
Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING)
Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! Shut up! Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter!
Those were ripples in time, Brian, emanating from some point in the past. And there's only one explanation. Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors. He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history,
Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?
I have, uh, terrible foot odor.
ANNOUNCER: This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie. You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING)
f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word.
Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot!
According to Gallup polls, one in 12 Americans is unaware that the bird is the word. I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this.
"That's going to be you some day, Meg."
- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream.
And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING)
Wow! You're cooler than a York Peppermint Pattie. When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being on a frozen mountaintop! It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie,
Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no!
Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked. Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie?
You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!
Peter, you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course?
Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)
Yeah, I thought something was "a-mish."
(PIANO PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC) Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Prom night dumpster baby
Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot.
(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)
Bullshit.
Dad, I don't smoke.
Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING)
Oh, man, this is gonna be great. Oh, are we watching a movie? The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.
Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again.
Ah-- There you go. Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh!
My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? Oh, Lord! Dynomite!
(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA
(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up.
Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma?
I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one. LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!
What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!
Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.
Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack.
(STEWIE) Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch.
Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on BlindDate. I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here...
Oh, I'm so thirsty. Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on.
Get the fuck out of my house!
Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.
So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.
Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here. Well, I'm off to serve food at the soup kitchen. Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you?
How long was I in there? About five minutes. Why are we not funding this?
Hey, is there a bathroom around here? Yes, yes. Follow me. Um, where are the toilets? Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.
This is a very shocking Family Circus. (SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING)
No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey.
Shoot me. Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this. I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.
PETER: God damn it!
Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again. I don't want to impose. No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday. What do you say, neighbor? Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!
Peter, what the hell? Lois, last night my father came to me and reminded me that I'm a good Catholic. If I don't rid the house of this Jewish curse, this family is gonna go to hell, and I won't let that happen. Peter, you were the only one who was even taking this thing seriously. Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it.
Dear diary. Jackpot!
Okay, I'll stop now.
I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!
Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.
Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight? Your what?
Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight?
You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)
Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.
What do you got there, Quagmire? Is that Briggs? No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.
Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg. See you in the morning. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?
(SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!
Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!
Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone. Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy.
Not this baby!
Keep the change. Road House. (SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes!
I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
(PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.
Logan, let's go! I can't. I, uh... I just can'T. What's with you, logan? You look like hell. Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants. I don't want to meet the man who looks good after that. Go! Go!
Car. Car coming!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, pie. I know what you want. I saw you in that movie. Whore, slut, bitch. You don't deserve to have sex with me. Instead, I'm gonna eat the whore out of you. Peter, did you start a coalition for fat guys? Yeah. The fat-guy coalition.
so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da! (GASPING) Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Well, looks like they killed each other. That's probably what all that racket was about an hour ago.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!
ANNOUNCER: Lindsay, your showcase is all about relaxation. And what better place to relax than in your brand-new hammock? This sturdy and portable hammock from Swingway turns any patio into a tropical paradise. And you can entertain yourself on your patio by drawing with chalk!
Man, they'd have to be stupider than you are when you fart yourself awake. (FARTS) (EXCLAIMS) What the... What... Who's there? What's going on? Whatever is happening here, just knock it off.
That happened, and we all let it happen.
I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)
Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman.
Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.
Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons?
Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore. What's the point? You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?
Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois. We should grab a coffee or something and catch up. Oh, that would be great. It was really nice to see you, too.
They slept through the graduation ceremony and somehow managed to come out of the manhole wearing clean, pressed suit, as you say. So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin.
Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.
laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V.
(EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah!
The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.
(JOE LAUGHING) Wait a minute, who's that? I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy! (ALIENS LAUGHING) It's not the 7Up guy. Yeah, it is. Hey, say, "Crisp and clean, no caffeine."
Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y."
Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths?
Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on
How did you ever put all of this together? Well, I had a little help from a very special friend. I like animals. Uh-huh. 'cause they're like people. Just little furry peoplE.
Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this!
(SOBBING) (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Lois! Mom! Geez, what the hell's her problem?
(BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS)
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher. In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about.
- Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot? So, how was your first day, Mr. Kotter? Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher?
They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
You're overweight. I'm not overweight. I'm under tall. Garfield, 1982.
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.
Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go.
Hello? What the hell? (GROWLING) PETER: Hey, Brian's home! What the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing. Just working on a family project. Getting in some together time. I have a crossbow! Chris has a crossbow.
(SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, I promise you, it's fine. Lois. Lois, Lois. I will decide what is best for my child, all right? Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son.
I'll never forget you, Gerardo. Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo, but I'm glad I'm finally an American again. Being an immigrant is a real pain in the ass.
Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin? Any what? "Anacin"?
(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Greedo, as a matter of fact, I was just going to see Jabba and tell him...
Okay, everybody fan out and look for your father. Peter! Peter! - Dad! - Fat-ass! (RUSTLING)
- You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
"Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here." Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud when they cast their eyes on such favorites as Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow, Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn, and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers. Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does,
It's chillier out here than Angelina Jolie. Something like that. I don't know, I'm so cold. She took that sad old lady's husband. You're just gonna have to block out the cold, Stewie. Picture yourself in a warm place. (INHALES) Okay, I think I can do that.
The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD) It came from over there!
I can't live without the country club.
(ALL SINGING) - When the night - When the night Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think
I'll blow your head off!
I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook! Get out.
We're being pursued by two objects. Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.
Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left
The Last Mimzy.
STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun?
If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach.
You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
This is my favorite song of all time! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word
Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one.
Oh, We almost missed that one.
I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!
Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya It chews so soft, it gets right to ya
No, we're working out a land deal. Trap Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within ten feet of Optimus Prime's property line. Destro is the city councilman who's telling Trap Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure, and even then, it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...
(MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?
I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!
You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that. Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno?
Hells, yeah!
You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.
What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think.
Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)
Is that a WarGames reference? Might be. - You know WarGames? - Yeah. Still finding out new stuff about you. That's the adventure. There's a nerd in there. Maybe there is. I might bang her later. How about a nice game of chess? I prefer banging. Dad, have you seen my book bag? What, Chris? (SCREAMS) (CRACKING)
Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank? I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve. Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.
This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale.
Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.
Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car.
(VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it.
And this is Pembroke Quad. Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited. I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories. Cowards!
Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba-ba-ba-ba- Baby! Ah, What's the use? You're right.
Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?
You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian!
Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help!
(MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!
Huh, who's this? I like this lady. Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father... Oh, probably not. MOTHER MAGGIE: And the unicorn slid down the rainbow to a field of jellybeans where she and the other villagers decided it had been the best day ever. Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig, and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he?
Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news. No, Brian. The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment.
d-do me the honor of, uh... I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.
Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.
That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!
That's a theory, I guess. I mean, it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to. Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.
Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories.
"Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. "We had some real characters in my neighborhood, "like Frank the Mailman. "'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' Huh. "And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. "'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' "'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball.
God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!
Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!
- Cuban Missile Crisis! - No idea. Trail of Tears! Never heard of it. - Death of Charlemagne! - What is that? Treaty of Augsburg! I got nothing. Cortes reaches South America! Pumping a dry well. - Teapot Dome Scandal! - Sounds fake. September 11th, 2001! Also sounds fake. - The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.
What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!
Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones.
Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable.
PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.
Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God.
Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes. Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)
Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)
You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!
We're going home. No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing?
Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser. Good thing there wasn't land or else you'd have to meet the natives with that mustard stain on your shirt. What stain? Ah! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GROANS) Why did I even bring you on this trip? Because I'm the best damn land spotter in all of Europe. It's true. You are the best. Yeah, I don't need you to tell me that.
Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!
(INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)
Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist.
This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.
I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.
(ROARING)
(CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
If you've got something to say, say it to my face!
He's a family guy
There's a rock right there!
(RADAR BEEPING) They're gaining on us. We'll be safe enough, once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose 'em.
You ruined my adolescence, Lois. You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.
(ROARING) All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!
Get over here.
(FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor.
Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC. They will clean up all your talking
Boys, to your Rascals! He went into James Woods. Let's spread out and find him. We'll head him off at the... (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.
Adam! Carol? I don't know what I was thinking. I made nine mistakes, and I was afraid that I was gonna make another one. And you know what? I almost did.
Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)
It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter? Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down. At least you've still got Batman and the... It was Batman Meets... You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.
You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.
Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys. Yeah. Boys. Yay, I helped. - Cheryl, wait. - Jillian.
Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. Stewie, shut up. (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.? Wait a minute, something did happen last night.
Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo. I-17. Oh, Darn it. aah!
Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it.
Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time.
I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership,
I erased it.
Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive?
Gordon?
I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home.
but because baseball would not be invented for 1,800 years and nobody knew what the hell he was talking about.
- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!
because he's going the fuck overboard.
Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter.
Yeah, but, Dad, you said to wake you up. (GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.
(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that?
Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Would you be saying that if the prize was 150 million bags of the neighbor's garbage? But it's not. I mean, is it? That is an unrealistic, unfair question. Peter, Brian's right. How can you be so irresponsible? You take these tickets back right now. No way, Lois. We're going to win. I got lots of good karma built up from doing those USO shows.
All right, Stewie. We're gonna get you nice and pumped up. Now, you see that barbell over there? Go ahead and try and lift that. (GRUNTING) Uh-oh, spadoodios. I notice your kid is having some trouble. You're telling me. Oh, your kid just needs a little help. I got something that'll get him going.
Art school?
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.
Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat!
You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding. But without Nilla Wafers it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions! Now clean it up!
He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms "through any crisis in any galaxy." - Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored.
Stewie. My son's name is StewIE.
Go fuck yourself.
What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.
You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something. Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.
Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy.
Unless you're going to pull a sundae out of your belly button, I'd get your ass in the fucking kitchen.
Like Cheeseburger Helper.
"I am the freakin' Pope."
(LAUGHS) No, you don't. No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this?
Uncle Owen? Aunt Beru? Oh, my God! John Williams! Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. (PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)
Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellows? Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things.
Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.
I'm a huge fan, and you're going to answer all my questions. But you're a baby. Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. (ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun.
Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be ready in five minutes. You'll be on the panel with Arianna Huffington and Dana Gould. Wait, wait. My publicist told me Christopher Hitchens would be on the panel. No, we told him Dana and Arianna two hours ago. I did my prep research on Christopher Hitchens. I am so sorry. I am done with you.
Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.
MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)
Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!
I agree, Lois. Like for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves.
How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!
Oh, my God. Peter, it's beautiful! Is it a blood diamond? Ah, the bloodiest. The two kids who found it were forced to murder each other. Oh, Peter, I love it! Hey, you want to watch a DVD of the murder while we do it? I already watched it eight times, so I know exactly which part I want to blam at.
MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human.
(ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.
They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay. Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified!
Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.
What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Oh, this is bogus!
Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl. Oh, Bonnie, I'm so happy for you! DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What? Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special.
What the hell was that?
No, wait a minute. I can't call the police.
He's a family guy
Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy
(NERVOUSLY) It was nothing. Turns out, I'm just doing very obscure European commercials. Nothing you'll ever see. You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!
Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises.
Carter, is this true?
Fuck you! Bye. My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis,
And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)
Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!
And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor. Hi, there. How's it going?
Listen, just leave it to me. I'm great with animals. You remember when I lived with those ants? We're working on something.
Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along. Bye, new awesome friends.
Luke.
Okay. Okay, Stewie, let go. Let go, Stewie. Let go of Mommy's hair.
He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.
I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING)
That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom!
I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us. - It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.
We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner. It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Griffin. Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today. I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin. Look how vascular I am, Brian.
Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years. Oh, three years? You mean like the three years you have left on this planet? Oh, that's nice. Hey, if you guys are so close, maybe Jillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women. And Cheryl should know that you took that class. Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch!
Ooh, Sorry. The V.C.R. hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football. Do you have the expressed written consent of A.B.C. Sports and the National Football League? Just A.B.c.
Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em.
Hey, can he say the word "ask"? Or is that a word we should avoid?
Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there? Oh, my God. Stewie, just shut up and go to bed!
Oh, no, You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that anklE. This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!
Stewie, shut up. (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.?
No, he can't just come back. He needs the return pad. Well, we can't just leave Mort back in time. That'd be more irresponsible than silent movie porn.
MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.
I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.
Papa? Oh, God!
Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms. (CHEERING) In photography studios.
Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point, but I've given up writing. Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before. You don't care about this, so what does it matter? Well, you do have a point. All right. Maybe I will. Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it? I don't know, Stewie. I kind of like to write in solitude. No, no, I promise I'll be as quiet as a guy in a coma.
God's will, Brian. (CROWD SHOUTING) A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you.
Oh, what is it? A little birdie?
Who want little tiny tacos?
What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.
Oh, okay. Um... "Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.
Ahh!
Quick, in here.
Blast!
Aw, Look at the little baby!
Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
(GUNSHOT)
That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time.
I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink? So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now. I shall do no such thing. Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her? Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Walter murphy, and John Williams.
Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much.
everything's gonna be ok.
The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00.
Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.
Meg and Kent are having space sex
Kid, You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
A bitch.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Go ahead, Peter. Go on! Be with your own kind! We're all gonna miss you, Dad! More than you know!
Don't worry. I'm not taking you pansies. I'm taking my new friends. This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland. Is Portland the black one? Portland is the black one.
I've never had a MILF come on to me before.
She's not coming back, you know. How do you know that? 'Cause she's my mom, too. Excuse me, that's my seat. We'll talk about this at home. (SIGHS) Let's see. Who's in this thing? Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody.
And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.
Well, That's the last of the furniture. No T.V. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was.
It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING)
Holy crap!
He had a dream and he made it happen.
Don't be ridiculous. I'll keep him company till you get back. Goodbye, Meg. Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this.
Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay. Wait! I have a time machine. You do? Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever.
No! I think I can hear the ocean. Smell it, too. All right, what do I do? Wait a minute, what did I do before? That's all I have to do, right, is duplicate the circumstances, but do it the opposite way. All right, I was standing right here, the machine was on, I broke the glass...
What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis!
Though by many they're abhorred Hebrew people I've adored Even though they killed my Lord I need
Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.
(SCREAMS) (CRACKING)
I might have to take you girls downtown.
I know a guy who does good work. You took a big risk coming here, man. James Woods could be back any minute. I know. How fast can you do it? As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go.
Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on.
See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy
Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No! What the hell is wrong with you? I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot!
Kids, we're home.
None of your fucking business what happened!
Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)
in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops.
Who in the world would want to kill a camper? JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me. And it looks like there are signs of trauma around the throat.
Hey--Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!
English - US - CC
I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Yeah, actually, I do. Are your other senses better on account of you can't hear? Like, can you smell my farts before they even come out? 'Cause I got one in the pocket right now, and I want to know if I need to feel self-conscious about it.
MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe...
Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about,
Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God!
Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight.
Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am. (LAUGHING) Yes, Officer. - You are such a dirty cop. - Don't break those yolks, ma'am. Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you. I know. Now stick your finger in there and twist it.
Honey, would you look at all these kikes.
What do you want most in the whole world? In the whole world, you say? Oh, What the hell.
Uh, Hey, you guys!
Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it.
Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time! I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you. I love it. I will kill you.
You will recall, last night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my legs, I spake thusly, "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks." It was a simple message, yet it has gone unheeded. (SNARLING SOFTLY) All right, Peter, give me a minute. For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks,
Aw, It was nothing.
My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.
So, uh, let's just deliver the check and... Hong Kong Phooey! Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man!
And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING)
Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie
What if Kurt Cobain had quit? Thank you! And remember, say no to drugs! Great concert, Kurt. The label's excited about your 7th album. Thanks. Oh, You remember my wife, Courtney Love? Who?
Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.
So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.
Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.
Chris, dates... Battle of Hastings! I don't know. - Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?
Oh, congratulations, Jillian.
The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.
There was only one man in the world with the vision to predict something like this. Damn! Laura! Laura! Laura!
Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane.
This set of wheels is even better than those talking cars on that commercial.
All wings, check in.
Aren't you preciouS? ahh! Oh! Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, massachusetts. Remember, "If it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack."
(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake.
Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.
We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh.
Editor? Wow. Gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl.
I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.
See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.
Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone. MAN: (ON PHONE) Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Stewie, look at this. September 1, 1939. There's something about that date.
We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby. Now you will get ready for the zim-zam and the babbity-bibbity. And you will take off your clothes like voo and voom! And get ready for the most splendiferous pudding pop you have ever seen!
Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun herE. Look, I-If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit.
You're not?
There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq. Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
Hang out with me on the lighter side of the Force. (LAUGHING) That's something.
Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.
Hey, I'm not even hungry.
Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
Dear God, my time machine!
Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns.
Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.
Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.
You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata.
Is that him? I don't know. Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand! No, your right hand. LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!
Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.
Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!
Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. (INHALING) Hey!
Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?
That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane. Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)
War! (GRUNTS) Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie
Well, fortunately, the ship runs on autopilot. We just need some time to figure out your coordinates and calculate the reentry plan. So just try to stay calm and we'll figure this all out. By the way, you're all quite famous now. You're on every news channel. Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams. Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit.
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?
There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert.
Oh, Wow! So, you can really give me a loan? I sure can. You see, Mr. Griffin, what sets us apart from other banks is that other banks are banks. Now, I trust you have collateral. Um, i--I got 3 kids. I'll take 'em. Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Sign this. Here you go. Good luck!
Oh! Thank God! Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka.
Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience. Oh, Thank GoD! OH, Yeah, thank God. thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself! So, when am I gonna diE? About 2 years after your wife divorces you.
Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix. Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah!
God, it's so damn hot.
- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!
A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that!
God! Damn! Stupid penguins. Sorry, guys, but the way things have been goin', I can't afford to keep you. I'm gonna have to put you down. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm--I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman? Well, Actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse! Oh, My God! You're a horse? Actually, I'm not really a horse.
Damn it, Griffin! I said no showboating!
Oh, cool! Hey, I got a great idea. How about we ride around with you and steal beer from teenagers? I don't know, you guys. This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?
Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it... Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is, and if you don't, that's your problem. Fine, then, I'll deal with this myself. All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner.
He needs you to help him exercise. Yeah, He finally figured out how to catch the Twinkie. Ha ha! I'm turning you into poo! Well, I'm going down to The Beautiful People's Club. guess I can take him with me. Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore.
PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this? My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something.
She's right in here, Sir. Just tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave. Uh, d-Don't you mean the "orderly"? No, I mean the disorderly. That's a little doctor joke we like to make around here. We also like Kevin Pollack. Oh, My God, Pearl! Brian, I don't have much time.
Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out! Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!
Brian, what the hell is wrong with you?
Magnificent. Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses!
I'll be on your bed. No calls.
You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard. (SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying.
Sure. All we gotta do is get you A little fixed up. you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean-- shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you.
Improv! I wish there was some way I could have prevented this.
Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I've decided I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Brian, why? Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of run my course here, and, you know, besides, there's a whole big world out there, and it's time I saw it. But, Brian, you live here. This is your home.
Happy birthday.
But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit!
Can you believe it? We're eating with two of the three Ghostbusters. Actually, I wasn't in that. Look at these guys! They can't take a compliment!
(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...
All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!
Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die! God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports. Hey, Quagmire, it's just a game. Take it easy. I'm not gonna take it easy! These guys are going down! You're going down in front of all these people!
I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm
Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.
I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once,
Where's your money?
Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you. Nah!
I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead.
(YELPS) Good morning
Fat people are immoral.
ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Officer, wait! I'm his wife, give me that bullhorn. Peter, you get out here right now, or else I'm throwing away all of your Mr. Potato Heads, I swear. It's okay, she only knows where the decoys are. Swanson, there you are. Listen, you hang out at this dump. I want you to go in there and end this thing.
(BURPING LOUDLY) Says the king.
See you on the coast!
And What you've done is a textbook example of insurance... "fraud"!
Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.
Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works. This had nothing to do with the harmonica.
Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.
PILOT: Imperial shuttle requesting permission to land like a dainty butterfly. CONTROLLER: Permission granted. Nice. That was nice.
- You traitor! - That's a doozy. I bet some of those awful kids at school call you zit-face. - No. - Pop-a-zit. - No. - Puspeak. - No. - Fat ass? - Yeah. - That's terrible. We're gonna have to use some cortisone on that. Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game. Don't think I won't do it, man.
And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite.
You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Well, I don't know, Dad.
You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.
Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
Neither is your mother's ass.
It's the end of the world.
This is the exact moment in 1984 that I sent you to the first time. You've just got to manage not to screw it up again. Lois! Oh, my God, it's so good to see you! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That we could both fantasize about him and no one would be gay, yeah, I know the joke.
Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together. I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran. Mmm, yeah, but it's not. It would be like Raisin Bran, but it's not Raisin Bran. That would be like Total with raisins in it. That's just splitting hairs here. It's not really doing it for me.
Like looking into the future. Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank. Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner,
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this. You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in.
Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...
(WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop.
I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors. PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: It's quite all right. I've seen worse. (WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING) PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: A human centipede. How ghastly! Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin. You're a war hero. I don't feel like a war hero.
Swamp crashes. They can land you knee-deep in trouble. But the "good hands" people at Allstate will make sure you have a soft landing. Professional service. Non-threatening black spokesperson. That's Allstate's stand.
Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.
You'll probably just slice a couple of bananas in here and chow down, huh, porky?
I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car. (KNOCKING) No, yeah. No, I know it's late. I just need some tropical fish food.
Peter, you ready for dinner? That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose. Would he win in a fight with Batman?
No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)
In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it!
Donny Most Donny Most Sunday, Monday Happy Days
It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!
Peter.
(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.
What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? (SNIGGERS) Still drinking. Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon?
What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about.
Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!
I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person. And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. That's wonderful, Jenny.
All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat. Ach! Unsere Unterseeboot sind stehlen mit eine dog und baby und Art Garfunkel!
Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God!
(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!
In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project.
Yeah, Joe, even RoboCop took a day off once in a while. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Nope.
PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!
Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. Lois, your family owned my family! Daddy, is that true? Well, it appears so. Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! Peter, please calm down. Babs, I think it's time we went to bed.
A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.
Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
This is ridiculous. No daughter of mine is going to be happy. Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk?
This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token.
Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)
Shut up, bitch!
And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!
You know, they say, "Don't meet your heroes," but they can eat my ass, because that was awesome! I don't know. Don't you think it's kind of weird that he's in kindergarten and he's still hanging around kids our age?
I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom.
Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true. That's right, little buddy. What do you want most in the whole world? In the whole world, you say?
Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one.
Peter, if you cried, we are done.
That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social. Uh, just remember, you two, Fred is allergic to peanuts.
Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Look, just let go of the check.
Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!
No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)
I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.
Wait a minute. All that running water. That's gotta be it!
Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going. My God, Joe is running us ragged. Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper.
What kind of after-school activity should I do, Dad? Well, Chris, there's a lot of fun activities out there. For example, I used to be a horse whisperer. (WHISPERING) Maybe if she spent some time on the treadmill, and I was drunk. (BOTH LAUGHING) I wouldn't, either.
Thanks for the ride, Bandit. Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail. Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do.
You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang! (PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Just for the record, I was at the hospital for a brief moment.
So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl RED: To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about.
Hey, Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never". You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did. Well, I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on. I'll go next. Uh... Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife. Uh, All right, let's see.
I'll say. Peter, is that... Are you... Molly Ringwald? Yeah. How's it going? Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here? Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys. Lucky for me, huh? No, a hobby's good. All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already?
Uncle Patrick, why do you strangle fat people? It's probably a weird fetish thing. Some criminals have 'em. Like those anal-retentive bandits who robbed Quahog Bank last year. All right, hands in the air! Vertically! Both arms should be parallel to each other! You, fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills. But first, fix that notepad so it's at a right angle with the corner of your desk!
STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.
Yeah, sure. (LAUGHING) Gotcha! That's more salt than you wanted. WOMAN: Hello, boys. Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch.
Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll--
Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys. All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said...
How come I never get any lines in these things? PETER: Shut up, Meg.
Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat!
Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo!
Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?
(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone.
And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade.
Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay. Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit?
This one's my favorite ornament. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas. Yeah, it was probably very moving and fictional. Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need?
Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.
Now, this is a loaded handgun. And what we're gonna do now is kill ourselves because this is horrible. Couldn't we just stop philateling? Too late. (GUN FIRES)
Yeah, I got hit so hard, it knocked my piss into a bag. None of this makes any sense. Where the hell is everybody?
time for batting practice.
Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow.
MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe... Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.
If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE!
You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get them into my body somehow.
I mean, just an absolute casserole of nonsense.
Visit Chicago museum of art. Okay, we can do that.
it's only going to exacerbate it.
Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet!
But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg.
Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you You're so vain You're so vain
Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3!
Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)
I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant.
Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna,
You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore!
Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this so you can get some exercise.
It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never!
PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.
Freedom you see Has got our hearts singing so joyfully Just look about You owe it to yourself to check it out Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day?
Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Oh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those? You know, I don't even know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me. I'd much rather just be home listening to my old jazz records. Really? I didn't know. I actually have quite a jazz collection myself.
Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!
I think we're doomed. Nah. Unless they've got any big, giant robot camels, I think we're okay. Jim, robot camels. Check it out, that one's wearing Crocs.
Fuck.
It's obeying all the rules! No way!
Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE?
How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me! Well, then I guess now we're even. What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you! You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois?
Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?
Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane? Well, it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.
Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
(SPEAKING MOCK SWEDISH)
Shoot your little baby Stewie. (SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you.
Now do the theme to The People's Court. (PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)
How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter!
I don't care what it takes, Brian,
Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through
(CHUCKLES) We got him. Halloween is fun.
Is this another test? Yes. These aren't the real lottery tickets, either. These are the real lottery tickets. So, in addition to buying 200,000 lottery tickets, you had 400,000 fake ones printed up? I had to be sure. Oh, my God. We won!
It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No!
Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING)
Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville,
You want kids? Oh, yikes. I wish you'd told me that before I got you this. Did I hear my big boy say he's got a crush on some lucky girl? You know, Chris, I knew this day would come. So, I brought you a condom. Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain.
Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Hey, Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs? I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?
Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!
(INDISTINCT TALKING) I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.
Oh, God, totally! (ALL EXCLAIMING) BOTH: Awesome! You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.
I was planning to kill myself.
Well, just get a divorce and everything will be back to normal. Oh, It's not that easy. What am I supposed to tell Brian? Thanks for savin' our family, now scram. And besides, he's been great with the kids. I mean, Chris is doing better in school. And Meg even went on a date with the announcer from the Super Friends.
Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird?
Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me.
(ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?
What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby!
After him!
WOMAN: Thank you for choosing Joe Swanson Theaters.
Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.
All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.
laugh 'n' cry He's a
You want to go see Mamma Mia?
Maybe we should hold off on havin' another baby. yeah, You may be right. No! No! No! You must receive his seed! Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant,
PETER: And now I play the waiting game.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Hey, Jilly bean. Hey, it's Brian again.
Not one bit, sir. For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself. I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)
Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.
played the father in That '70s Show, Kurtwood Smith. How's it going, Kurtwood? Good. Thanks for having me.
Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo. Am I a walking hobo? No. Quagmire and Cleveland are, but you're not. So, wait, I would also be a paralyzed Hitler? Yeah. Would I be a black Hitler? Yes. No. Well, wait a minute, now how come I got to be crippled Hitler and he's still white Hitler? If you got such a problem with it, Joe, just be the hobo! This one isn't very fun.
Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa.
Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble.
Oh, man. You're making me so hot!
Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!
Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it?
That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point. I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes.
Well, now you know how George W. Bush felt when he showed up in Vietnam. All right, let's do this. Let's kick some ass. - Uh, George, the war is over. - What? - Yeah, it's done. - Get out of here! Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, man! Oh, man! I just got your messages. And I--I... Oh, I'm sorry. George, it's been over for a while.
I'll do to him what I did to the Riddler. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.
Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)
Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown!
but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks,
Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard.
Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.
Peter, it's making me watch!
All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire! Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag.
Giggity Giggity '50s Giggity. Hey, you guys. DREYFUSS: Finally, there was Cleve Brown, my pudgy black friend. I can still see him now, all pudgy and black. Cleve, please. We're busy looking at Playboy. Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds. This is way better than Playboy.
I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there? (FLASH GORDON THEME PLAYING)
Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus.
I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money and they'll ground your ass for a year.
You shut your mouth!
Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock?
Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope. That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane?
Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird.
And I think that's the gist of it.
Okay. 401-555-1125.
Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving!
And we're back. Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter? I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. To what? To the poison you just drank. See what I mean? This is not normal!
I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop!
Don't need no credit card to ride this train It's strong and it's sudden And it's cruel sometimes But it might just save your life... That's the power of love Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table?
Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.
Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you.
Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.
No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old.
Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him.
What the hell? No, no, no, no!
PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.
Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun. A lot of fun. But we got to get back over to our place and kind of do... What do we have to do? Roll some joints and get high. Yeah, we got to do those things. That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it.
And look, somebody mowed the lawn. I was supposed to do that. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard. Peter, we don't have a choice. We've gotta bring Eli back. Oh, no, we don't.
And it's healthy for us, too. Oh, God! It's starting already! Lois, we are screwed. Wow! Mel Gibson's secret screening room. Hey, what's this?
Make your every joke a jewel You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul Go on, buds drink my suds
We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago.
- Hi, I'm Brian Griffin. - And I'm Stewart.
Oh, God! I forfeiT! Well, That's it, folks. it looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers and is once again undefeated. Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? I told you never to show your face here again!
By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods? Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.
(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!
Oh, boy. Yep, there's the problem. Not drawn yet.
We must be getting close to the Pole. Look at all these igloos. Look, there's a Persian igloo that takes up the whole lot. My children are teaching your children to smoke at school.
Just because your breath reeks of rotten Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to.
All right. Ok. Enough, Batman. I don't want... Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman? Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter!
(ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.
The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet. Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family. You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!
Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS.
We don't have anything in common. I think it's best if you just get out of this house. Fine. I hate it here anyhow. Get out of my way. My pot! My pot! Your pot? Your pot? And then in Chapter 28 of my novel,
Always end on a strong joke.
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Anthony. You, too, Mrs. Griffin. Thanks for having me over for dinner.
Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here!
I just want to make sure you're comfortable. (BOTH MOANING) I love you, Brian. Sock it to me! What? (RITA EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) - What's wrong? Oh, nothing. When I'm on my back, sometimes my breast can slide in my armpit. Just got pinched, that's all. Okay. (BOTH MOANING)
Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat? We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box. Hop in.
Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals. Oh, oh, look! There we go! Oh! Look at them jostling each other around! Oh! They give each other a hard time, but they're friends. Is that a real show? No, it's just... No. Somebody's making a joke. Forget it.
(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.
Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to...
Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.
What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet? You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I thought that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me? Oh, yeah. You can even see Tonya Harding's honeymoon video on there. I mean, it's gross, but it's, like, famous gross.
(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.
Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother. Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING)
They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.
Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life? Okay, Charmese, here we go. Are you sure you want to watch this? I'm just warning you, you're in the splash zone. If I get anything out, I'll be happy. Get on with it.
In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding.
To the Popemobile!
It's like watching someone do algebra.
Here you go, Meg.
Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two.
(GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing? Getting scraped to death by my zipper. You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me? I'm the one who made you popular! (CHUCKLES) No, Connie. Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular. Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out!
Peter, what are you doing here? I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone. Is that what you really want, Lois?
Yet. So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen or even matter. - Yes, that's correct. - So it was sort of like a dream. No, it was a simulation. Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened...
Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say. Jefferson High is our rival.
JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come! (BUZZING) Okay. Okay, they're on there. Let's just... Nobody move.
Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.
No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING)
Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
Is that what you really want, Lois? Yes, it is. Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her. Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her.
You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter. Next time around, we're gonna get ourselves a big, tall, pie-eating dog, Lois. Okay, Peter. Or Howard Huge. Let's get Howard Huge.
I can still breathe just fine.
The spirit of the red, white and blue
Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?
Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.
All right, that's it! You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off!
That's your penis.
Yeah, come on, don't screw us, Brian Griffin! Bill, how about thinking up your jeers for a change, huh? (PANTING) Four! Three! Two! Oh, come on, Brian, get up! Time's up! You're pathetic, Griffin! Pathetic!
What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.
God! You're more clueless than Popeye. Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look.
I am so alone. Everybody, my tax refund is here.
Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years. Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger. Here you go. Here's the key, Pete. Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye.
I love stars! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Grainy Footage of a Potential Bigfoot that will surely spark a lively debate in your household. Oh, my God! That is real! No, total fake. (ALL ARGUING) Look at that. That is obviously a suit.
we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis.
Oh, he killed her. Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business. Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!
Boring!
Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING)
What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
(GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)
Oh, It looks the same, but actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean. oh. Ha. maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"!
Wow, neat. So, this is space. Damn it.
Like the time I was on BlindDate. I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!
Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.
It's good to have land.
And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family. I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60. Sir, that casket costs $1,000. Okay, $70. WhaT? $2,000.
Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this,
I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different. I just want to be. What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts! Moving is never easy on a family.
How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!
ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee." Where? Where does the rooster say that? The monkey goes, "Ma-cock."
Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby.
Fine, sweetie.
Hey, fat ass, give me your wallet!
I--I don't think I'm in the right place. I'm looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son's birthday. Oh, Sure. I can do that. You do children's parties? Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe. I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.
- Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow. Hey, everybody. Wait till you see this.
Oh, God, that feels so much better. You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat. (CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya!
(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching?
He said he was gonna distract the social worker. Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living? Hey, I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here?
Cool! He's bleeding! Just like in the movies!
You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile. Where you need improvement. You have smelly dog farts. Something good. Something good. You really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week. That is sensational. You really made me feel confident about those numbers.
THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!
Looks like the guys are gonna form a rock band. Maybe they'll learn a little something. Stick around, you just might learn something, too.
Wah!
Damn it, Jerry, why are we the only ones still here? I don't know. We hated all the right things. Now there's nothing left to hate. I'm gonna hate that rock. No, I'm gonna hate that rock. Let's both hate that rock. I hate you. I hate you, too. Look, Stewie. Don't you think at some point you're going to have to let Rupert go?
Brian, do you really think Loretta is beautiful? Absolutely. That's really how I feel. Now, it is true her personality is abrasive. Slightly abrasive. But overall, Loretta is a delightful person, very pleasant to be around and free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.
Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's mother agreed not to press charges if you apologize.
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.
Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing.
So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?
Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!
No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas. Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year.
Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?
All you've got is a worn-out rope toy and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you. (LEAVES RUSTLING) Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! I told you all this yesterday!
(ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?
The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America
What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.
Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they?
GOD: You smell that?
- Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher!
but forget it.
Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive.
(SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.
...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood... ...One little fight... ...scared... ...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING)
her life force was infused into me,
(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.
Because I like him! He remembers my name!
(ROARING) Monkey, grab my hand! (SCREAMING)
It only works if all the legs are moving toward the same end. And you know what you are, Brian? - You're a busted leg. - What? Are you firing me? Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture. What the hell are you guys doing?
Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau. What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist. And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person,
Alcohol!
Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch.
Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard!
I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!
Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But.... So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So just putting it out there.
And a Griffin never knows when to stoP. CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.
Not the best way to spend a Thursday night, huh? (SIGHS) You can say that again. I was hoping to be at this Democratic Party fundraiser. Oh, God, is that tonight? Ah... You know, I promised Barry I'd be there. I call him "Barry," you probably know him as "Barack." Um. Yeah. So, what are you doing here? I'm picking up my friend Peter.
I always wanted to be an astronaut like Lance Armstrong. It's Neil Armstrong. He lied about his name, too?
But I think it's important for the last one of us left alive to know this story. The story of the Griffin family history. Here's how it all began. Everything started with the big bang. It was a Saturday night, and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling.
but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip,
What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello.
Two shakes, that's it. Move along.
If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family. No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him. I'll do it, I'll be James Woods. From this day forth, I am James Woods. And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it.
Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure. HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast. The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash. Stewie, please tell me you know how to get us home. Of course I know how to get us home!
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane?
He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude.
Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out. Sweet.
Sorry, we're short on horses. You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke. - Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!
Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd, is she gonna make good on that promise? A broken promise is a lot like a child's pinwheel. You have to be yourself, or at least within the confines.
Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Uh, I don't think that's the expression.
He had a family emergency.
Meg, get in the car, we're going home. I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore. Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car. Yes, Daddy.
Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed. And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting. Well, that's our show.
(GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do?
You are gonna get it when I drink. What the hell's going on?
Well, then, how about a dozen scarves?
All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy - Morning, Peter. - Morning, Lois.
Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend.
Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to...
I said I want to know whose cup this is! Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage."
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Brian, I've had enough of this.
Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good.
Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight!
Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.
Come on! Get out of the trash. Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!
(MIMICS LOIS) Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's not going to sleep with her. That's you. Nerd.
I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here! SecurITy bReach! Security breach!
No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do
Madame Claude is psychic. She can tell you what you were in a past life.
You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!
So, How long are you and your family in town? Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah. No conversation.
Me!
The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase,
What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche. What's that, now? Yeah, I don't like him, either. Yeah, me neither.
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather?
I can't believe my dad is in there. This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life. I got a new dress. Try talking about him. So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
As time goes by Moonlight and love songs Never out of date Hearts filled with passion Jealousy and hate
Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!
Hey, Why is he taking one? Oh, This is my friend, Peter Griffin. He recently discovered he was black. He doesn't look very black to me. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there with you. You ain't been there. I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side.
Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.
I just say hooray And if you're not from here God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS USA!
Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share! Uh, I'm not really sure what to do here.
Um, I do speak English.
Across the USA Dancin', dancin' across the USA Dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin'
I recently came into some money.
Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight.
I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad.
And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
but the exit is your daughter's bum. Meg's ass! God, this is even weirder than when Bob Costas insisted on getting into the tub with me every time I took a bath. Ah, this will be relaxing. Hello again, Peter, and this is gonna be great. We can talk sports and we can play with your tub toys.
Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy. Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight.
Hispanic from Spain? No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die? All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper. (GUNSHOT) (ALL SCREAMING) What the hell?
Let someone else worry about hurricanes.
Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!
Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side.
Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie!
I can't carry on the charade anymore. I have an announcement to make. No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret.
Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie.
Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing? Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.
BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.
Ahh!
Go on. That's iT.
Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta!
Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public? Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method. I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation. Okay, ifl make this, we're all gonna get laid. Yes! Score! Score!
I had a feeling that's what was going on.
Hey, I found the pool cues.
A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?
she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair and places it gently on your tongue.
Ah, Peter, isn't she beautiful? Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night. I mean Meg. Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's hot.
Of course, I'm obligated by the State of Kansas to present the Church's alternative to the theory of evolution.
I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh! And a well-funded 401k. Ah! We are gonna have sex at some point! All right, guys, it's gonna be a long night of border patrol,
Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!
Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals
You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched.
You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter!
I forgive you.
Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are?
I have to tell you about the future! What? I have to tell you about the future! On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael. I have to tell you about your future. Peter, Stewie is on the roof. Nick Jonas is so cute.
Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter!
It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing?
We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye. My God! This place looks terrible.
Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it! This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet! Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good. Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good.
Hi. This is David Leisure. You probably remember me as the neighbor from T.V.'s Empty Nest.
(FARTING)
Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it. Ah! Ah! Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan? - I told you to stop. - I taste blood. Well, there's a lot of it.
- Wah! - Wah!
This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. Ah, So much rug burn! Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon. Peter, that's a wonderful idea! Yeah. We'll be just like The Honeymooners!
Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side. Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects? I'll never join the dark side. You failed, Your Highness. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.
Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. You know, you really hurt me, Chris. I know. I was wrong. I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna. Please, just give me another chance. Gosh! He doesn't look so good.
Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.
Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s.
You'll feel better once you've testified Testify Oh, yeah Testify I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify.
Shit, I should have said something. He let me say it twice now. It's like we're married. (MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far?
(CHOIR SINGING)
I think I have an idea. This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves.
Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys. Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.
Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high. I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. I love you, Peter Griffin. Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me.
Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.
Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching. Ha, I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning. Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!
Well, that's everything. Now, remember, kids Brian is in charge while your father and I are out at Cape Cod. I'll take good care of them, Lois. You guys have a good time. (Lois) Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you! you know Brian, if I choose to make stool in my pants right now you're the only one here to change me.
I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you? Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!
Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!
Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.
Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!
Mom, I hate it here. I want to come home.
I'm gonna be on a cereal box. Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no! Now pay attention, Junior. You want to keep your shoulders straight and your knees bent,
Oh, my God! They're going to do it! Oh, I got to take a picture. Holy crap! No way. No freakin' way. Quagmire, take a picture. Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Hey! Keep it down. It's just two guys making out. Relax. Stewie, go to bed.
He's a family guy
I kill people and burp and watch so much porn.
Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you.
(MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?
So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats? Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room. Wow. This looks just like my room at home. Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends.
- You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)
Oh, you hear that, Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So... This is awkward, but, uh, I mean, if they can do that, that's pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean, you might as well pack it in. Game over.
And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please.
I have my confidence again. I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone. Well, I'm glad to be of service. Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear? See you at work on Monday, Griffin. Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite Aid about this fake mustache.
Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)
She is. Adults are stupid. The world would be so much better if it were run by babies. TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)
I once saw a deodorant commercial that had a woman pilot. That's more like it. From now on, we're all gonna do whatever I want to do. 'Cause I'm the one with the dough. Okay, I guess that's fair. Good. 'Cause what I want to do is stay here, get drunk and watch TV. TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Michael McDonald During Allergy Season. (GASPS)
Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine. Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? James Taylor.
Did we not have money for the Petercopter? Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron? Whatever. I want you to meet Consuela. Consuela, this is my husband, Peter, and these are our children. Hello, Mr. Peter. Hello, Mr. children. Consuela's gonna be our new housekeeper.
and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.
Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.
Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin. I understand you children read my book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel? Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?
but we're doing everything in our power to get you safely back to Earth. We're pretty good at this. We're like six for eight. Is there anything we can do? Well, fortunately, the ship runs on autopilot. We just need some time to figure out your coordinates and calculate the reentry plan. So just try to stay calm and we'll figure this all out. By the way, you're all quite famous now. You're on every news channel.
Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head. Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. Ok.
That truck's coming up on us awful fasT. Holy crap! Do you see what I see? I'm afraid I do! We're being chased by ghosts! So, You went through all this trouble just to see your girl?
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation.
What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep.
(SNORING) That's it, Griffin. Keep breathing. I'm almost there. Oh! Your breath is filling me up. Your breath and this squash racquet.
And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)
From all of us at Family Guy we wish you Christmas joy. May all your wishes now come true for every girl and boy. We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer. So have a Merry Christmas and...
There it is, kids. Columbus, Ohio. Now, remember, there are no rules about who can wear stretch pants here, so you're going to see some pretty shocking things. Brian, is this our vacation? Yeah. Oh.
I am. Your Honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, If--if I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is-- Chocolate-chip. And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is-- Goodnight, Moon. And Meg's real father's name is-- Stan Thompson.
MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING)
All right, everyone, I'd like to get started. (ALL PANTING) I'd like to get... We're start... You know what? Maybe... Maybe everyone should sit down. (ALL WHEEZING)
All right, can we go now? Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check. 9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah!
Bocce balls!
Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney. And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane. I like to yell at mice with my shirt off. (YELLING) Sometimes, I like to steal other people's scabs. (YELLING)
Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry.
Not this baby! Hey Lois, you seen my pants?
and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air. Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me. I watched my career and my love life crumble,
You guys don't care about me and my struggle! I hate you!
Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.
It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song.
What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. What? Will he be okay? No, he won't be okay. One-third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. (BEEPING) Well, that's it.
Uh, uh, Let's see. Uh... Hey, that was pretty good. But when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just "Me llamo Brian." Oh, You speak English. No, Just that first speech. And this one explaining it. You--You're kidding, right? Que?
The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone!
Meg, what the hell were you planning on doing?
Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really?
What the hell is all this? Oh, Brian, you're here. Good. Okay, let me give you the rundown. This is your work area. Please keep personal knickknacks tasteful. You get 25 minutes for lunch, and.... Enjoy it here. Welcome aboard.
Can I have another bourbon, please? Hey, Blondie. You wanna get together with my dogwood? What? Dogwood? You know, like Dogwood and Blondie, like in the funnies? You mean Dagwood? Dagwood, that's what it is. Hey, how about this one?
Hi. I'm Michael. Michael! Michael! Um, and this is my wife, Nancy. Nancy! Nancy! And this is our Uzbekistani friend, Bokyavroychesku. Hi.
Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy. Get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.
Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment. Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on. This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here.
That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.
Hey, big man, turn around.
Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.
How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add...
Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld!
Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.
Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)
Mr. President, I present to you Peter Griffin.
Ah, Come on, stud. We've got it all set up for you to go out with our niece. Honey, come on out here and meet Peter Griffin. Peter, this is our niece, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nice to meet you. All right, I'm getting up. Hi. Peter Griffin. So, Where do you want to go? We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore.
Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?
Well, I hope you got your fill, Peter. Death, that was totally worth it. It was even better than the time I stumbled into that fat, lonely women's club. Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING)
You mean I'm gonna get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner...
I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later. Pardon me. Is this first-period English?
What did you do to the Cabana Club? We don't call it the Cabana Club anymore, Frank. It's now called pLace. Little "p", big "L". Congratulations. You two now own the hottest spot in town. Wow, that's a lot of people. I hope we have enough rye. How'd you pay for all this? I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.
Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening.
Oh, that's a great idea. Maybe he can bring his sling blade and order up some (MIMICKING BILLY BOB THORNTON) French-fried potatoes. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. Those Ewoks had all of five minutes to get things prepared. I'm sure it's all gonna work out fine. (HORNS BLOWING) (SCREAMS)
But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family. Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No! Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes. I didn't take my sneakers off I'm still Sneakers O'Toole
From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.
All right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence, drinking. Hey, hey, good times just walked in. (ALL GREETING) MAN: Oh, hey, he can't be in here. He's not 21. All right, just hang out here for a little bit, huh? All right, see you later, gang.
MAN: I didn't like any of that. Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois.
check out my onboard computer navigation system. Standard. Left turn ahead. Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you!
What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.
It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma. Come here, babupka. Let me put your fingers in my mouth. I want to press my cold, loose face onto your warm, tight face and breathe meat into your nose.
As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
I'm starting to feel like an animal in a cage. Yeah, or a T. rex trying to masturbate. All right, Internet porn, check. Tissues, check. Lotion, check. Okay, let's go. Aw! (GROWLS)
We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.
Yee... Haw!
For God's sake, Chris! You murdered Mr. Lockhart! What? No, I didn't! Come on. Everybody's done something they're not proud of. Like when I used to be a Wonder Twin.
You never answer your cell phone And your messages are often ambiguous Amen A reading from the book of Leviticus.
(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING) (SCREAMING) Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right? No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot!
I had a question for you guys. Did any of you happen to be at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire? No. None of us were. I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets. I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this. A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort.
oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
(EXHALES) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) (COUGHS LOUDLY) (CLEARS THROAT) Ah.
Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel. STEWIE: Stewart Griffin, explorer, adventurer, skin-diving international playboy. (INHALES DEEPLY)
Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face?
Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?
I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run!
Uh, Now, sweetie,
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!
But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!
(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)
That's what makes his story so inspirational. Handicapped... Hmm. Ahh! How did these get up here?
Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives. Aw, I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kind of rooting against him. We're straightening out!
Our house is your house, Peter. I'd sit here and chat with you, but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta, because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! When is it gonna be my turn?
It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush!
Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died!
(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere. Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it? - Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours? - What? What? 'Cause I had an idea.
but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh
I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out.
Peter and Lois were supposed to chaperone Chris' school dance tomorrow night. So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing. You're too stupid to do it alone. Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses.
How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us. It's way easier to get into these clubs if you have chicks in your group. You ever notice that? No, I never have. Sorry, sir, private party tonight.
Oh, God, kill me now. Hello? Karen!
How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!
Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?
I used to pass lots of gas Lois ran away Now we've got 30 rooms
Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg. Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper. It's a mess up there.
Really? Well, how many library assistants did they pick? One of four. Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it. Ice cream for Dylan tonight. Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes.
Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me!
If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie,
I had sex with her! What?
Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy! Over the next several months, I developed a relationship with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek.
Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug. Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia Airport,
Hello, neighbor.
I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies!
Oh, this is an even bigger jackpot than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue. Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.
Oh, Peter.
in tonight's episode,
(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!
Pretty good.
Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book.
From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar down by the airport already took it.
What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family. I thought being rich would solve all my problems, but all it did was make me forget what was important. Like who my real friends are. I don't expect you to forgive me,
It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
I am so fucking ready...
(AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long. Oh, damn! How is it? You know what? We'll put you in the '80s. You'll pass for hot. Now, get in the van with Kelly McGillis. Next stop, Hollywood! (BRAYING)
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? No, Dad.
You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes. Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.
(ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you
Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you!
This is embarrassing.
Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where.
Here's a cell phone so we can always talk. Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication. And it's not even your name on the label. What is this? What's in this tub?
Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.
(LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants.
And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.
I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.
MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation.
Well, but then why have you been saying all these horrible things? Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless. And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it. I guess I thought that if I could bring you down, you wouldn't start to notice that you're too good for me and run off looking for another fella.
That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois. So you can watch the sea until I return. Go on, try it out. Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.
(LAUGHING) Well, terrific. The truth is the reactivation of a Cold War sleeper spy would be an embarrassment to my government. On the scale of our 1981 failed Czechoslovakian occupation outpost, which was penetrated by Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, and their ragtag band of misfit soldiers who didn't even graduate!
(AIR HISSING)
Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!
Fat-ass and his drunk friends left me at the roller rink.
(YAWNS) (BURPS) Schumai. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Oh. (GRUNTS)
It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song. Is that all? Yeah. Is there an age restriction for the sleight-of-hand magic show this afternoon? Twelve. Oh... Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in.
Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.
Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero!
You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him!
Oh, Nuts! I mean crap!
Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp. (SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass!
whatever that means. I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up. Oh, Meg, I don't know what to say. All of those things you said about me are true. I have been a very bad mother to you.
He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. - Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.
Jesus, Joe. That's normal.
Who's got a guy with lots of brains? You do! Who's got a girl who loves chow mein? You do!
No one in this town will hire you. Oh, yeah?
Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.
This Tom Tucker bunny
Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter.
Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses. See you on the softball field.
Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage. Oh, my God!
(CRYING) Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian? I'm buying you another Rupert. Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild.
Can't touch me
Whoa, freeze frame! What's gonna happen next? I think I got to go to the bathroom. (FARTS) (YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (COUPLE SCREAMS) What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car!
Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator. MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy,
I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again. I won't, I swear!
Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone! Hey! Stop it.
MAN: Hey, is sometimes taking things slower better? Yeah.
- You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
you have been given the power from God. - Ho-ho! Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin. He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way.
"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.
That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours! Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward.
A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!
Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex. Him legend.
All right. Saltshaker up the nose.
"Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay. Or is he? Let's read on.
Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. (GASPS) But then why should you remember? There were so many of us. But frankly, I don't give a shit.
Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy? Okay. Why? Uh, it's a present. It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you!
yet as unspoiled as when she was born. (ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
I got news for you. The News of the World! (SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life!
Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!
Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this. MAN: And in simple American households. Okay, Barney. I'm going to work now. But I'm gonna leave NPR on for you. DJ ON RADIO: Good day to you. And welcome to All Things Considered,
Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.
I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state
It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews. After this. A hurricane. Oh, my God! Peter's out there.
Which means I'm losing billions in timber dollars. I had to sell my Bangles records. I was still working on memorizing all the words. My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol? If I lay down flat on the floor it usually kind of fixes it Tony Danza from Who's the Boss?
(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home. Oh, you're just in time.
Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that. I've already accepted another job. Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like. It's all right. I would've driven you bananas. Oh, and he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois. (WHINES) Dad, are you ready?
Peter, you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course? Well, Lois asked me to watch Stewie for the afternoon. It's all right. I don't think the club will mind. It's Cleveland I'm worried about. Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything. Hey, look. It's President Nixon.
Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast!
Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker...
What kind of pie is this?
Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Boobies!
(TIRES SCREECHING) I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING)
If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain.
I'm made in his image. Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well... And what kind of God would put you in a house where no one respects or cares about you, not even enough to get you a damn mumps shot? Oh, no!
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina.
That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy.
Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs?
I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know? We wrote a pretty big check for you folks here, so... You know, whatever. It's fine. It's fine. Doesn't matter. Just... I just hope you're making the best of what we gave you here. I would say that given the events that preceded it, the couple 100 years or so, maybe we're about even. Yeah, no, no. We gave more.
PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House.
And Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. It's ok. Take your time. Then what happened? He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!
We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect! Brian, what are you doing?
Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!
Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)
And you think And you think That love is only That love is only For the lucky For the lucky - And the strong - And the strong Just remember
I wants me that beer.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought.
it' s Sa turda y Nigh t! TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it?
Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen? (GIGGLES) Well, Cindy, I guess it's true that big things come in small packages. (ALL LAUGHING)
That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!
You know, I keep not laughing at The Big Bang Theory, and I figure it's got to be the television, you know? TV this size, forget it. It'll have me laughing till I got snots falling out of my nose. Carter, where are you taking our television?
And I need money for bourbon and anime.
What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up.
Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.
And, hey, at least I get my old job back. You know, from now on, let's not complain so much. (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) PETER: Let's not complain. BRIAN: Let's be grateful, huh? Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?
What the hell am I gonna do?
$1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter! Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois.
Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Peter used to be so passionate. Suddenly, he just doesn't seem very interested in me anymore. Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter.
Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys? And a little thing that says, "I support the troops." 'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys. But I don't have any change on me right now. Well, all that matters is that my boy is home. Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie.
All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water.
It's a girl! Can you check again?
Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp.
"Probably hogging blankets."
Also found in the mayor's residence, was a blackmail note from the victim threatening to expose the mayor in a corruption scandal unless the victim was paid off. You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival.
Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible! Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye
What the hell is this?
Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol?
Peter, America is the land of opportunity. There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy series, including That '70s Show, and...
Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)
Can I get stamps, too?
What are you doing? I'm digging a hole. Why? 'Cause I like to sleep on my side.
What are you talking about? (EXHALES) I can't leave you like this. But you have to swear never to tell anybody. (GASPS) You mean, you're gonna eat my... Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear! Okay, how should we do it? I guess it's dealer's choice, really. I suppose the easiest way would be to use the diaper as a bowl of sorts.
Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up. I think I can explain it to you, Peter.
You talk to Matt Lauer lately?
Still alive! What's going on? We just got to the Sarlacc pit. What's that?
(MUSIC FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PLAYING)
You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)
Well, kids, just when I thought we'd never find an assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground. He's got a clown costume in his trunk, so we know he's good with kids, and pictures of boys in their underwear, so he's probably had some medical training. Well, I'm gonna take off while he fits you for cups in that windowless supply shed. See you.
I kill people and burp and watch so much porn. Isn't that cool? No. I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like. My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty. Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76. Let's burn this chick at the stake. I love steak! Other girls don't. I'm actually more like a dude.
Bad dog.
Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right?
This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home.
Mr. President, I present to you Peter Griffin.
Do you guys want to see a dead body? Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion. Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake.
He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Brian, come here. I want you to hear my presidential address for St. Rupert's Day. I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed. Screw off. I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws. Just take a look, will you? (SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films?
You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage! - Screw our marriage! I love you! - Really? Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton. We'll get past it somehow. All I know is, I don't want to do anything to hurt you. Oh, Peter! Why are you naked in my house?
What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it?
I don't care what you think of me!
At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire.
I'm Peter.
Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher.
"If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid.
The way we danced and hummed our favorite song
Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg? You okay in there? (RUSTLING NOISE) Uh, yeah. Come on in. Everything all right?
you have to clean it. thank you. Thank you. You know, no one can win a gold medal by himself. it takes friends. And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today. My friend Peter. Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary! Let's give him a hand, folks.
My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy.
You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.
Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?
It's a boy!
with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog. Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)
Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?
Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad.
All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive!
Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! (DOOR SLAMMING) (RITA CRYING)
I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.
There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes. - It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey.
Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op?
How you girls doing on popcorn?
Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers.
the sun has gone to bed and so must I so long farewell auf wiedersehen, good-bye
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...most of my days...
About the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat stinking drunk. FRANCIS: Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. What? You're a fat, stinking drunk.
Oh, wow! Oh! Shit!
(SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened? Well, it was 1996. Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers east of Providence, which is mostly just open water, but still, I'd been undercover,
I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!
Evidently, Lois Griffin, star citizen of Quahog, is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur. It just goes to show you never know what sort of person is living next door. Tom? I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno? She totally betrayed me! I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other.
good-bye good-bye good-bye good-bye
Aw, Meg, there you are. Dad, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm so embarrassed, I could die! Hey, heY, Not before the rest of us! Meg, your mother wants the family together today. It's just Stewie's birthday. So what if I'm not there? Who's gonna remember? Your mom will, trust me. She remembers everything.
I hurt myself changing this tire! NARRATOR: The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
What the hell am I gonna do? I don't know, Peter. If you have sex with her, you give her all the power. If you don't have sex with her, you're gay. You can't win. You can't do anything, Peter. These days, women have all the power in the workplace. You know, I never told you guys this, but my police captain is a woman. One day, she wheeled me into her office and then made me have sex with her.
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace!
like Fred Flintstone. So, why exactly do you want this separation? Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me.
This is your co-worker, Opie. He is a burden of the state, deemed unfit for mainstream society. He is your superior. What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it.
Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works. This had nothing to do with the harmonica. Everybody, brace yourselves, 'cause I have got big news.
MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe...
(MAN SINGING)
(LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show? Peter, put me down. I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson? Peter, put him down right now.
I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!
So, Carolyn. Guess you should've hit that when you had the chance, huh, Brian? What? You're the one who told me to wait! You're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland.
We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers.
Oh, Don't worry about me.
Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.
MAN ON TV: We now return to Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Detarded.
taxes
Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age.
tragically killing all the teenagers on board. Many of the students Tweeted about the accident as it was happening. We have a few here. From @Jenny94, "Water seriously cold, yo." Here's @TheTed69, "I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK." "JK," indeed.
A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that... Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that... And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its."
You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny? Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet." What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... (IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop?
Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?
I just don't want to.
This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better. (STATIC BUZZING)
Well, let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.
Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)
You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?
What do you mean? This is great! Everyone's hilarious now. What do you think, Quagmire? What? I can't hear a thing over this noise. What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe.
Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?
And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!" Honestly! The things these children come up with. if you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angeles, Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York,
Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door. oh, Peter. Just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success.
Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that? Look, I'm going to do a rally.
Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.
in 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist. That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills!
(MONKEYS SCREECHING)
And now, let's meet our star! Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles! All the fish in the bucket now!
Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. I'm talking about that! Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto! Ah, This is it, pal. We're goners. Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship. Me, too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever. That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own, Brian Griffin.
WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!
Oh, these clothes.
I told her she was fat. No. No.
But aren't you going out with JoAnne Fuller? JoJo? No, she's my neighbor. I've known her forever. She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture.
(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening.
i wanna tell you I love your way ooh i wanna be with you night and day oh, Peter! Our song!
Awesome, great, thanks.
But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC,
- Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States! (EXCLAIMS) He said it! He said it! MAN 2: All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets? (EXCLAIMS) There it is! There it is! MAN 3: The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph
And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands, he didn't lose his ability to feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.
Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass!
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin--
Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush. - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad.
Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year.
I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING)
You and I are like two... Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one!
Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.
Wow! Does it really smell like cook-- Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!
I really enjoy being with you, Ross. I'm having a great time. Oh, my God! That's who that is.
(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.
Sphincter.
Murdoch? Here and crazy. B.A.? I pity the fool. But I also suggest ways he may better himself.
I'll give you a situation, you fat turd!
You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.
LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you!
You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad.
You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine. (SNIFFING) Is that smoke? (GASPING) Idea for a farce, cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive. (LAUGHING)
Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day. Well, Now I don't know, after the emotional trauma I've endured on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount. Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office. Well, Then maybe I'll just take my business elsewhere. Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday.
I can pause it. I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to... (FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out.
Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here!
I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney!
A friend of mine staying in my house got, um, injured, and my homeowner's insurance wouldn't pay her doctor bills. Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
No, no. I got one last plan, Meg.
So, are we all set at Cheesie Charlie's? Well, Actually, i--I canceled the reservation. What? Peter, How could you? Lois, I got a very good reason. Oh, Wait a second. These are always classic. Lois, that Cheesie Charlie's is--is no good. See, it happened like this.
Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form ofa hawk! - Come on, Peter. - Yeah, I'll be right behind you. Shape of Jayna's tampon. PETER: And now I play the waiting game.
Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
I'm filthy? i'm flithy? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that? Hmm? Aah! How dare you!
Kali Maa. Kali Maa. Kali Maa! Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Now let's move on to the washing of the hands.
Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it!
Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive.
Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING) Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it?
(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)
(SHUSHING) Hi, Dad. Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today? Nope. Sorry, Chris. She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.
Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do?
(GROANS) Oh, no! You cut your forehead! What do we do? (IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, kids, if you have an open wound, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding. Then get some sleep and wait for the body to heal itself. Now we know. And like I always say, "Remember, you know enough."
I'm an ice cream cone.
you've gained some weight recently. It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.
Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time!
We'll be on the ground in 10 minuteS. Aw, jeez. We like being alive, we like being alive We like being, oh, we like being, oh, we like being alive I guess it's their time.
Stewie!
Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.
Hey, what the hell you think you're doing?
Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.
The ball is on a string and attached to the cup. So there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup. And cleanup is as easy as catching a ball in a cup. So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup? Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup!
"If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it."
(MUSIC PLAYING) Boy, that was really gay.
Evidence, Brian. I'm gonna find just the right piece of incriminating evidence to bring down this company.
Even though they killed my Lord I need a Jew
(ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? She calls herself an assistant, but yes. What is it, Sandra? There's a man here to see you. He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. Really? Well, then, by all means, send him in! Hey, knucklebutts! BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods?
No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?
You must be Autumn Daniels. Welcome to Barncliffe school for girls. We're your roommates. I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy. Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other,
That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.
Give me a break. Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat! Forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.
My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh?
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie.
Get all the marmalade.
Bruce seems like the only gamer here.
or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.
WOMAN: Dingo and the Baby. 97.1, Quahog. MAN: Oh, baby. (MAN BURPS) (FART) What the hell are you doing? What the hell does that have to do with anything? They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby.
(SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.
I know. It was amazing. Much better than that night you pretended your penis was Danny Aiello. Oh, that is so interesting, Danny Aiello. You've got the best Spike Lee stories. What's that? You want to meet my wife? Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello.
(GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye!
Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
and he says he's come up with a new penis enlargement pill, and if we can bankroll him $100,000 in startup money, he'll triple our investment in a year. Well, uh, gee, (STAMMERING) I don't... Peter, I've taken the liberty of mocking up some sales projections. Wow, that's pretty good. And this would be our net profits. Yikes!
Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell?
Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. (STAMMERING) Oh, I... Hang on. (GUN FIRES) I'd love to go, Meg, but I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night.
Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.
Well, I can't answer that, but I'm gonna do my best to make her even happier than those kids on Three Wishes with Amy Grant. What's your wish, Billy? Can you cure my cancer? No, but how about if Spider-Man gives you a $50 gift card to Sears? Here. Get well.
A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?
Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Seven. Seven prostitutes.
Uh-oh. What? Hold on to something.
Editor? Wow. Gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl.
Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody, spit on Meg. Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay! I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you.
No, I've never done it myself. Mum does it.
Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture?
Come on, dudes! Who wants to hop in my wheels, and head to the beach for some ultimate Frisbee? Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you. I can't... I can't do that.
Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.
Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!
Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.
And even when I'm old and gray I'm going to feel the way I do today because you make me feel so young
(GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy. Well, Jesse, I guess we got to find some other way to spend our evenings. MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now back to ESPN's exclusive coverage of the Little League World Series. Oh, jackpot!
Peter, I-- Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...
Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Oh, hey, Meg. What have you been up to?
ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed. My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist. My name is Amanda. And my water just broke. Oh, my God! Yo, it's my turn to deliver. Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away.
Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.
Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll!
I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY) You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.
But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta. (EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion. Thank you, Tricia. After the interval, find out which 12 football teams tied tonight.
He's a family guy
(GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed!
And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. (PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.
Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.
Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert.
Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!
MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure.
(LAUGHING) Stupid hat. Damn it! I paid 15 cents for this ticket. No, he didn't! Christ, could he be any more annoying? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, hey, it's Tom! Tommy!
My God, Joe is running us ragged. Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper. A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that...
Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well." Also, "Check, please!" Plus, "Open mouth, insert foot" and "Wait, if you're here, then that means... Oh boy!"
Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!
This--This is, like, the '90s, man.
Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES) In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles. Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.
WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning, cool weekends. FM. - Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back.
All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you! Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together.
We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us. If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.
Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter.
PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!
oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
Peter, you're acting like an idiot. Oh, yeah? I don't like the way you've been acting lately. I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please? What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.
Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!
STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind?
Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie.
Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.
Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it. Go.
Like deciding whether or not you're going to have time to masturbate. Peter, I'm gonna run and pick up Stewie. I'll be back in five or ten minutes. Well, which is it? It's like I told you, Lois. This time it's different.
Jewish!
We wrote a pretty big check for you folks here, so... You know, whatever. It's fine. It's fine. Doesn't matter. Just... I just hope you're making the best of what we gave you here. I would say that given the events that preceded it, the couple 100 years or so, maybe we're about even. Yeah, no, no. We gave more.
Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do.
Okay, guys, I got one. Would you rather get a massage from a man, or surgery from a female doctor? Wow. Like, minor surgery? No, serious surgery. Like a blown kidney or something. Geez. Good question, Peter. - Is the man gay? - No.
I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING)
What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.
We have to give away Humpy?
Listen, thanks a lot for the-- Uh, Peter. I'm kind of busy right now. Oh, Yeah, that's ok. Well, uh, thanks-- So, where were we?
Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table.
Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan. No! She said no. Should we still do it? Yeah.
I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin.
No! No! You do not go on this lawn!
(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)
Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
So much.
Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball. You can't just take some Korean-made velveteen primate and call it Rupert. Now, come on, this is all time we could be using to find Rupert's kidnappers. Look, I may as well come clean with you.
"And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.
Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! What is that smell?
Very good, indeed. I hope it enjoys it as much as that Maine lobster I ordered. And over there is the Rhode Island State House, the second largest self-supporting marble dome in North America. Why the fuck am I doing this? I could've just said I did it. Sir, about your bill...
You stupid fat bastard!
If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right.
I'll try. Thanks, Mom. I love you. I... You, too, honey. (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
(TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING)
You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.
The end of the world is coming.
What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof?
Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight.
Bond? James Bond.
And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain! Thanks Ollie. And Finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. Trisha? Thanks, Tom.
(LOUD EXPLOSION) Uh-oh.
Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that.
D-R-U-G-S?
Looking good. Almost done. And there. Done. (WOMEN GASP) What have you done? I painted the truth. I painted my truth.
Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard.
Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.
You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS)
Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech.
W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!
Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)
Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that... And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its." A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from? Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal. I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake."
Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.
Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family. On your marks, let's start the Family Feud! With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!
Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me. Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. Why wouldn't you look at me during?
Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets.
Hey, dog, when you take a break from re-applying your lipstick, how about taking me to the park? My lipstick? What? (CHUCKLING) Oh. Oh, right, right. Right, because of my penis. Yeah, that's--that's-- that's fantastic. Lois, Brian won't take me to the park. Then he talked about his ding-dong.
Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!
Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico!
It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery. Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.
The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say no to a fast food restaurant and eat a salad instead. To say, "I will eat this salad with pride. "I don't care if I look like a gay person." So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say thank you.
Tell me that's not epic.
What do you want most in the whole world? In the whole world, you say? Oh, What the hell.
(WHIRRING) Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me.
God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game!
Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking. All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!
Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.
Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family. You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you.
Oh, That's what that is. Take what I want, huh? Good morning, Joe. Uh, PetEr, What are you doing in my pool? Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7,
Or like 2 college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown we're Rhode Island bound
No, no. No, I'm abstinent!
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is. But first, get ready, Quahog, because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend at the Quahog Performing Arts Center. (SCOFFS) Barry Manilow. What a joke. So stupid. And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding.
You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car.
(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter.
All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!
(DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family. (GRUNTS) Does anyone need the remote? Oh, my God! What the hell happened to Stewie? Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now.
(EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card.
This is easier than an American finding his brother in China. Ron? Ron, where are you? Over here, Paul! Oh, good, there you are. It's pretty here! Yes, it is.
(SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot. I'm totally breaking up with him. I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys. But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school. (SIGHS) Yeah, you're right. God, they all suck so much. I need a new challenge. What if... Wait. Now, bear with me on this. What if I date a loser and make him over into a popular guy?
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah!
Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! Randy!
Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally,
All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get $100 toward a boob job that you desperately need. I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss. Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile.
(PETER SCREAMING)
I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs. I did okay. ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled!
And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God!
Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years, but that's gonna change. It's gonna be different from now on. And I'm gonna make you into a better person, starting first thing tomorrow. Just passing through. See anything you like, speak up.
Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God!
Because Jillian deserves better. She has feelings, you know, and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian.
(MEG SOBBING)
And how long has this been going on?
Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!
Well, You've come a long way from hiding from the vacuum cleaner.
Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me? Yeah. P.S... Oh, oh, Hold on a second. H-hold on. Hold on. Relax. Everybody relax.
First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street! JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all,
Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.
MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.
It's on, like, channel 100 or something. Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies.
(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass! Okay, come on now. Something serious. MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to... Okay, I heard "pharmacy."
f ha ve erectile dysfunction.
Why don't we ever get any good food?
But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS. Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way?
Swimming hole!
Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.
- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Meg.
Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started. You're not gonna get dinner started. She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
We're projecting 10 billion within five years. Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason. Do they eat just, like, regular food? No, no, no, the opposite.
Here I go, down the slope. Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob.
As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard!
Peter, are you there? I can hear you breathing? Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.
(MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go. (SMASHING)
Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience,
I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why?
MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off!
Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you. Oh, They won't! Because I'm never going back to that school again! Um, Dad, after dinner, could you help me with my algebra? Hey, You're a big man. You figure it out! You know, I bet there's a part of you that really wants to be friends with them.
which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.
I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F.
Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy
Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!
But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags!
What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING)
You got fired for racist drawings. I guess. Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle. I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.
Brian? Hey, princess. I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know? (SNIFFLING) Oh, God, you hear that?
This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?
Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that.
Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!
Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)
Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder. Nope.
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Sunday afternoon movie, Masturbator and Commander. (KNOCKING) Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us. CAPTAIN: I'll be right out. Sir, we've already lost 10 men. Hang on. Sir, don't you think we should return fire? Yeah, yeah, go ahead and do that, and I'll meet you up there in, like, five minutes.
What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.
All right. So, you're gonna just sit here and enjoy it. I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man.
Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING)
Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse. How do you propose we settle this?
What was that first thing you said? Oh, I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. I mean, I was just remarking what a nice tie you have on. I love this tie. All right, you folks take care now.
Hi, fellas. Hey, look, it's Snoopy. Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock? Ah, that's... That's a good one. Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby, and you guys took his candy earlier.
The 20th Maine. So many lives lost. All in pursuit of the ideal that no man should be subjugated because of the color of his skin. These boys paid the ultimate price here. For equality. For humanity. You're welcome. I'm sorry? I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know?
Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not. So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What?
If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!
(ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea.
Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."
You know, Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing-- Shut up. The dog just told me to shut up. I demand to know what you plan to do about this. Hey! Hey! the dog just told me-- Be quiet, Stewie. Freezing my nips off out here.
...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way. Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here!
MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,
Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.
Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!
(SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship.
Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter.
Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
We did it. Job well done. And We're not stuck together anymore. Thank God! You said it. Do you Want to hold hands on the walk home? Yeah, sure. Oh, Susie! Thank God you're all right! Wait a minute. This isn't my little girl. Hey! That was my wife! tee, hee! tee, hee!
(MIMICKING ED SULLIVAN) Hey, Ron. Tonight, we got a really big show. Reagan does impressions.
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl.
Why the hell didn't I see it coming?
Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas?
Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me. BAR PATRON: Oh, come on! Hang on, I'll fix it. Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead.
Get your fat ass back here.
What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything? No, it's too dark.
Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house! I am the worst mother in the world! Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! Ok. Um, This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan.
I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some. Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink. I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep, then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What?
What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING) Meg, that was awesome.
Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois.
Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn, and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers. Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug. Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia Airport,
Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! Ahh!
- You didn't do it. - You didn't do it, either. Okay, okay. This time we really have to do it. - Okay, all right. You ready? Okay, okay. - Okay. - One, two. - One, two. You want me to kill myself and you're not going to.
Peter, what the hell is that?
You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her.
Children, the time of ascension has arrived. Oh, For the love of God. Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me.
That's better.
If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny.
I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.
T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company. Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini. What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows.
Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.
I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable. Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!
Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good.
Yes, it was 35 years ago today that James Veteran stood up to City Hall and said, "I demand a parade in my name." And after a heated bidding war with Edward Memorial and Reginald Aprilfools, he got his wish. And here comes the parade! First up, a float from the Veterans of Future Wars.
Chris, go to your room!
Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year. That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair? Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?
I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.
Yeah, Kent hates me now.
Conservative Republicanism is the answer. Good. Good for Brian.
So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.
Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in.
Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go! Or what? Or... I don't know, man, but you're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean.
Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over.
How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.
What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop!
You know, I got some candy in my van, if your kid wants some. Oh, great!
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.
(RITA SCREAMING) Was that your boob? God, no! I think I broke my hip. Oh, my God, what should I do? Call the number on my bracelet. It says "Murray Hill 4185." That's not enough numbers! That's the number, Brian. Just dial 0 and read it to Sarah. Jesus Christ!
No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,
You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle.
I've voted before. I stuffed the ballot box at the Oscars. And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are, Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)
We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?
Go get 'em, JoE!
Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something,
Dude, we could eat that pig. What? Dude, come on. We could totally eat that pig. We could... We could do it, man. We could. It'd be so easy, man. It would take, like, a minute. Could it really be that fast? Peter, that pig could be in our stomachs in, like, one minute, and then we could...
WOMAN: Hey, Griffin! (CROWD GASPS)
Go on.
Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.
They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want! (CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart." "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other, "fart both knew that, "with love fart truth fart courage,
Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream. But I remember it so-- It was a dream!
Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman. And Meg. Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.
(GASPS) What are you doing here?
Peter, what the hell is going on?
All right, hands in the air! Vertically! Both arms should be parallel to each other! You, fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills. But first, fix that notepad so it's at a right angle with the corner of your desk! And tap that pile of receipts against a flat surface, so they're not sticking out haphazardly! You know what? Forget about the money! Everybody grab a broom! We are straightening this place up!
...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!
(SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!
Hello, I'm, uh, Stephanie Griffin. Hi, Stephanie. What's your talent? I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.
Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin. I'm cold.
Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite. You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
Never!
Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!
Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic? Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made. How about Slumdog Millionaire? Overrated. Just a terrible movie. Cocktail. Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era. You make me sick, Brian.
Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot?
Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test. I'm gonna try out what I've learned on Denise. Well, good luck. Hey, who was that fat chick sneaking out of here this morning? Oh, that was someone I met from class. Bettina.
Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!
No! Ahh, ha ha! Aw, Now you've gone and upset the boy. Peter, this is a new chapter in my life. The--The kids are growing, the nest is empty, and I need some excitement.
Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old? No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old. So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me!
I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy. Attention, President Griffin. As you may presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks.
Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable!
"A big, stupid doo-doo head!" Honestly! The things these children come up with. if you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angeles, Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island.
Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja. Sauerkraut. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) Euthanasia for the mentally feeble. Das ist gut.
Go, Spooner Street! My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once." My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" We didn't measure! We dIdN't measure! Amazing, Peter. You've inspired The whole neighborhood to work together.
Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop
This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there.
Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok! Are you happy? I've never been happy.
Face.
You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child.
It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie.
What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh!
Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.
What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on. Mmm-hmm. The black dolphins. See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down. I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson. And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line.
Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch. Come on. You-- H-h-hey-- Hey! None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No! No! You've had yours!
You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie. (BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.
(MUMBLING) Our servers. And from now on it's against the rules to pat female employees on the fanny. (MUMBLING) Like touching butts! And tell the African-American elevator attendant he no longer has to wear white gloves. Why don't you just tell him he can sleep with my wife, too? Daddy! Oh, Carter! You're back!
They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was. Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.
All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.
That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!
So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)
Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino... Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape? (SIGHS) Peter, we can't let this happen. I mean, we're parents. What if this was one of our kids? It's too bad we're not the A-Team.
I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2... aah!
Brian, what are you doing down there? They didn't set a place for me. Not a dog family. Oh. Go away. Go away, you.
My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING) RED: Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved,
(LOUD GROAN)
We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
I love you. Fuck off.
Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. Call me Major General Captain. Now you eat up. I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made. Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. I call the white meat. I call the dark meat. I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No!
Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!
(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Meg.
I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here.
Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny.
That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face.
On that crazy king's highway Too much passion Too much play We went dancin', dancin', dancin'
Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.
Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub. Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!
We now return to The Communists.
Fast Animals, Slow Children. Come on, guys. Wait up. oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs.
I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!
Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do!
Jeez, Lois. I spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing around. How about a little me time?
Oh, my God, that was such a rush. Yeah. I'm alive!
undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy. LOIS: "It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good, old-fashioned values
I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy. Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other, 'cause they have so much fun cleaning the dishes. AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me.
One's an innie, and one's an outie.
Holy crap, Chris! What the hell? I put you in charge of the food. The raccoons were here. See? OoH, We're a bunch of sneaky little animals. We're gonna wreck this food and eat it 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy. Let's get him in trouble with his dad. Ha! Ha! Ha! Somehow I'm less than surprised.
I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul!
You know, I know your head must be turned upside down by this whole Peter thing.
"You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what?
(CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family.
All right, well, the going rate for my farm is $875,000. Uh... Nobody called ahead? What? Well, somebody from Fox was supposed to call ahead. They usually take care of it, and then I just go ahead and do stuff. I didn't get no phone call. (PHONE RINGS)
Not tonight, I'm not! (LOUD CHEERING)
Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd.
Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.
Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!
Mrs. Lockhart, I don't think I can do this. What? Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco!
Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango & Cash. So just Pay ft Forward and we'll all be Happy Gilmore. What?
Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode?
Like, literally no idea. I don't know what a hollaback girl is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47-year-old fish dog.
He's molested me many, many times.
Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.
Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!
I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation!
Okay, you can stop that now. I can't hear you. I'm a robot. Come on, knock it off. Does not compute. undefinedI'm going to bed. " do not require sleep.
(SHOUTS) What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! Hey, what the hell? What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? You want to go? Go? What are you talking about? I'm talking about go. That's what I'm talking about!
Now, we're going to do what we should have done in the first place. Get on. Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived.
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?
(BRIAN SCREAMS)
I've got Hugh Downs up here! And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement! Why me? Why the media? I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half hour. Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.
Oh, my God, this sucks.
(SPITS)
Peter, the water's rising fast! We gotta get outta here!
Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) You know what? Let's just turn ourselves in. I got a great lawyer, and he says, worst case, eight to 12 years. And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. (TIRES SCREECHING)
You suck!
(SHOUTING) Meg, sweep that up. Just get a broom. Sweep that up.
MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.
Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run. He's gonna get us. He's still got us. - He's gonna get us! - Oh, mY God! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's not budging. Come on. Let's go tO q-Bert's.
Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair of us to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy?
Where the hell are they taking us? I don't know, but I got a bad feeling. (BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.
Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die. (SCREAMS) (MEN GROANING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin? Any what? "Anacin"? Yeah, Anacin. Do they even make Anacin anymore? Yeah, it's still around. Why? No, it just seems like sort of a '70s medication. So you don't have any Anacin? No.
Uh... We are looking at about a four-and-a-half-hour flight time today. Uh... We got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees. Uh... The flight's going to be a little longer than we have expected. Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off.
Hey.
What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?
(SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable.
PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois.
911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!
Lois, I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight.
"She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish."
Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs!
You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders. T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company. Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini.
I see. And you really feel that way? Yeah. I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance.
You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky! (GROANS) Quagmire, how would you like to help me commit suicide?
Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.
Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant.
and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town. Yeah, but I told them it was part of a geological survey. (CHUCKLES) Batman, Batman. They built a Lazy Susan for your nuclear car. That's something they consider conversation-worthy.
Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot? Charles Yamamoto...
A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat
Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot
(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.
Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story.
has anyone ever told you your eyes are-- Hang on, sweetie. I've got to call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game.
That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.
A little service here!
Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books, so I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight I'd like to share them with you.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest. Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.
I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!
Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section.
Come on, Fluffy. Come on, Mittens. Come on, Paul. What a ridiculous name for a cat. Paul. That's a person's name! A person's name. (LAUGHING) Oh, Paul.
Hey, Quagmire? QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter. Hey, listen, we're at the movies and they're showing the trivia cards and there's a question up there that's just stumping us. It's, "What color is this?" QUAGMIRE: Well, what color is it?
Ya!
Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!
We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated. Whoo. Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group.
Who the fuck is this queer?
Sure. All the guys here have been castrated. It's cool. Hey, Do you think that girl is hot? No. Me neither.
This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny. Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.
Oh, my God, a water fountain!
Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?
Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one. Okay, thank you. Did you wash my car like I asked? No, but I hit it with a rock. Okay, thanks. Brian, I think my jaw is falling off. (EXCLAIMING) Stewie, what is happening to this thing?
(SIGHS) All right, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven.
Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here. Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.
I mean, what's the purpose.... Shiny red ball. Peter, watch out! So what can I do for you, Peter?
Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! Shut up! Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom.
All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that. (ALL SCREAMING)
I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker. Wait, what time is it? I got to turn on TMZ. (ANNOUNCER READING) ANNOUNCER: Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home in the Hills. Rene, what was it like working with Douglas Fairbanks? Is it true you were born in 1880?
Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinky prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.
it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining.
I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.
I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine!
I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No! KEVIN: Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. But I can't say the same for my bunkmates. There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. So that was my chance to disappear.
- Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it. Hey, Meg. We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out. That makes you cool. Wanna hang out with us? - Sure. - Hey, I'm here to pick you up.
Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it,
Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless. And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it. I guess I thought that if I could bring you down, you wouldn't start to notice that you're too good for me and run off looking for another fella. Peter, that's ridiculous. I love you.
Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House.
Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can.
He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Superman 5: The Broken Condom.
Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.