comb.io - Clips

But oh, no! I'm naked!

I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your gray lung. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt-marsh cutworms. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed! Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry.

All you do is drive around, confiscate beer from teenagers and occasionally handcuff a drunk woman in a sexy costume. Oh, cool! Hey, I got a great idea. How about we ride around with you and steal beer from teenagers? I don't know, you guys. This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble?

Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO.

Hey, Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel. Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling. Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!

Lois, can I go Slip 'n Slide in the yard? Has it been half an hour since you've eaten? Yes. Almost. Okay, I just want to be sure you don't get a cramp. Yay! Poor people water fun! Hey, Chris. Uh, can I ask you a question?

Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.

A soup kitchen, Dad?

(GROANING) And you're like, "Why didn't you warn me that's so cold?" And he's like, "It's ice cream, dude." And you're like, "Oh, man!" But chicks don't do that, because they use a spoon. What's up? Su-Fi! Boo! MySpace. Is he saying something funny? I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess. (CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college.

When are you gonna get rid of that stump? I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right? Just get off my back! She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker. Well, I know who you are. (LAUGHS) It's fun to see how people react when they're on the spot.

Hey, Meg. I heard what happened. Yeah, Kent hates me now. You made a mistake. I know you feel terrible, but you're not a bad person, Meg. You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so. All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night.

What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face. Had to poo Sha-doop-a-doop-a-doo And he stepped into that box there and suddenly there was a big flash of light. That's when he went back in time Oh, my God, Stewie, we have to get him back.

Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT.

Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio.

(COINS CLINKING) (BRIAN EXCLAIMING)

Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard! That is Journey. Streetlight people

I'm gay, all right?

You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family.

(I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.

Not only will I be able to put food on the table and pay all my bills, I'll also be able to finance my Christmas album. (ANNOUNCER) Sessions presents, a Peter Griffin Christmas. Featuring such standards as...

Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.

Oh, Your mother has her ways. She has her ways. Can I have the blueprints to the Demico housE? Sure. Here you go. Now, I've put together a little flash bomb to create a diversion. I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake. What's Whitesnake? That's the music mommies and daddies listen to.

Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

This is Lois, Peter's wife.

Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!

How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what he offered? I think the whole thing was very strange. He thought you were strange! How about that? Whatever. I just can't help but wonder. Will I ever see him again?

The Force is with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet.

Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

An Audi! I'm getting a car!

Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing. Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV!

(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I...

You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?

I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell?

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?

Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town.

(SPLASHING) (CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

Quiet, Lois. Men are talking.

Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you?

Hook up with me! Come on! We can make this work. Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird.

Diane, I'd say it was perfect if you Weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage.

f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps.

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.

I am so clever. That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war. There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq. Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war.

Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

People are gonna remember me for this.

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now,

Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me.

Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.

Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING) All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut.

I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now. You okay? Yeah, babe. I got to pee, but I don't want to move. I'm so comfortable right now.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party. (ALAN LAUGHS) Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy.

Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta.

That new paperboy done gone and broke my sternum. (BOTH MOANING) (SNORING)

ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game. HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following: "The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" A little spending money? I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr Nick, what are you talking about?

No! (SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!

Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes.

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

I am having a really great time. Me, too. I really value our friendship. You're not like those other Snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.

Brian, I feel awful. Stewie and I were getting along so good and now he hates me. How do I get him to like me again? Well, that depends. Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again? What's a hypotenuse?

You want like a ride to the place?

Okay! See you guys later. I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it.

Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake!

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!

Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation,

He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh,

JOHN BUNNELL: This Rebel lawbreaker thinks he can outrun the Empire. The pursuing officers realize he's entered a residential area. They give him a wide berth, but they don't let him out of their sight. Astonishingly, the driver makes a left, right into an asteroid field.

God, Seamus. I've never seen you this naked. (EXCLAIMS) It's good to let the old midsection breathe. What... How the hell are you alive?

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING)

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in.

Ever Heard of a sitter? Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to-- I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here,

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.

Done! Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool. Can I try some Red Bull? Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull? Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't.

I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks. Lois, this pasta, better than Italy.

Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake.

Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps. (SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.

Yeah. How's it going? Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here? Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys. Lucky for me, huh? No, a hobby's good. All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already? Yup, come on. (GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career.

Okay. (HUMMING TUNE) Lost in Space. Yeah. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE)

Yes, Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy!

Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

Sorry to be tardy to the party. Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll!

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey.

I just do data entry! All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face. Please! I've had it up to here with Ewoks. Now, stab him and wear his face! And then go home to his family still wearing his face, and see how long it takes them to figure out that it's you and not him.

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

Look, I know I screwed up big time.

text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.

Uh, there are a lot of people waiting. Is there anything else? Uh, yes. Do you have a garbage can back there? I have the backings to some Fruit Roll-Ups I need to discard. I'm sorry. That's for library trash only. I understand. That's okay. I'll just hold on to these for the rest of the day. It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song. Is that all? Yeah.

prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher. (CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

All right, now, I want you to meet me at this address in an hour, and we'll slap five there. Then afterwards, we'll hit the bars. That sounds good to me. I'm 18, and I'm ready to do some living. We are gonna raise more hell than Hellraiser. (GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak?

Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.

Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience."

A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.

I think he has stage fright.

I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto. H-heh, Lois! How expected. Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you. I-Is this a bad time?

I just found out I'm retarded.

Mmm, ooh, That is good.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the '90s. Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'" It used to bay That you loved may But now it's nineteen-ninetay

Now I won't have to take that job as Matt Damon's neck.

But your father's bringing in the old TV. Hey, Meg. Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS)

We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it. To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this.

Well, you're gonna have to help him find one, because I've had enough of him living in this house. You're overreacting, Lois, and you can't spell "overreacting" without "ovary." Because you're a girl. I'm not overreacting. Hey, just an FYI. Really, no reason to go into any greater detail than this. Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again.

Sorry I'm late, Lois. Peter, what are you doing here? Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this.

Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell?

Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet? I fixed it already. No You didn't. It's still dripping. No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man. Oh, my God!

It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck. Okay, Stewie, time for bed.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.

Waiter! Oh, waiter! Yes, sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order? Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy, and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak. Right away, sir. Peter, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with getting me acting jobs. Tom, who's the agent here? You are. - And who is the actor? - Well, I am. Wait, which one am I, again? The agent.

Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.

Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal. It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death. Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader.

Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And There's nothing you can say that'll change my minD. EiTHer You kill them, or I kill you. Aw, Crap!

ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game. HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following:

I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin.

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!

Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! I know you can't understand what I'm going through.

lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often.

So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested?

The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by.

Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

CHORUS: Fifth caller Caller number five MAN: Not four, not six WOMAN: (SEXILY) Oh, five MEN: (YELLING) Cinco! Cinco! Cinco!

Admiral, there be whales here! STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe. Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.

You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

All right, look. When he comes back, I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on. (GUN COCKING) JEFF: Kind of like this? You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic.

(LAUGHS) Really? Wow, thank you! This is great. Now I won't have to become a Mary Kay saleswoman. So, what makes these shampoos different from the ones at the supermarket? These shampoos have been in my car.

(SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive? (GROANING) You're alive. Okay, I won't... I won't eat you then. I was gonna eat you.

(MECHANICAL ARMS WHIRRING) The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole.

Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit!

Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe.

Take on me take me on

Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head! HEy, Shut up!

My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

"Dear MacGuyver. "Enclosed is a rubber band, "a paper clip, and a drinking straw. "Please save my dog." Aah!

They rent The Rocketeer

Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg. Glad to have you. Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work. Now, let me just go over a few basics. You'll earn minimum wage, no overtime, no health benefits, and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth.

I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel? He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs.

As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy!

But they're newlyweds, right? Well, that's no time to have a house guest. Got to go. Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual. Where the hell are those purchase orders?

Let's get out of here, Brian. That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me. Don't let me catch you, 'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later.

We Have A Domestic disturbancE-- Boring! Report of a stabbing in-- BlAh, blah, blaH. All units! A major bank robbery is in progress at quahog Bank and Trust. Suspects are armed and extremely dangerous. Perfect! Where's Lois and the kids? Uh, Over at Joe's. Well, go fetch 'em. They're about to see a real hero in action. To the BatcAve!

You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers.

in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors. And in other news, they're bringing back Passions! Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome!

Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

but you have to catch me first! Looks like you found me, Mr. Griffin. But which one of us is the real king of prop comedy and not just an illusion, huh? That's right, Mr. Griffin. Just a little further.

(CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No! No! (SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING)

So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it.

you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie! How long is Dad gonna be in Washington? As long as it takes. He's a very important man now. You know, He's the spokesman for his entire industry.

What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

God, is that true? God?

(PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie Well, good night, Brian.

Now, when you start bringing in a paycheck and providing for this family, then you can make the rules! Well, I'd do a better job of it than you! Oh, you think so, huh? Well, maybe you'd like to try it for a little while. You be the adults! What do you mean? I mean, maybe we try a little experiment. You kids switch places with your dad and me.

Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)

I got a rock. I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain! I spent my refund on a plug- in Playmate. So, schoolteacher.

Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

Come on, Brenda, a stupid nursery rhyme isn't going to wake him up, especially the way you sing. (LAUGHING) Right, man? Gyaa. Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation Your friends want to go fishing with you This song is from childhood? Live to see tomorrow

Ah, Jeez! This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since I went to that museum. Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.

Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.

Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit-- I get the message, Peter.

Good morning, Mrs. Griffin. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Just kidding. So, uh, any problems?

Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)

I gotta do it, Karen. I just gotta take a shot. That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!

Nick Jonas is so cute.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet.

Jeez, I hope she can get out.

Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again!

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

(SIGHS) Let's just get through this.

Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

You know, you got some nerve driving around my town with a busted headlight. And a busted windshield. (GLASS CRACKS) And an untreated flesh wound. Aah! (GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche.

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here.

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God!

(SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention! Come on. Let's get out of here.

You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois!

So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me? What? You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know? Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!

Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

Say Meg, looking sharp. You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?

(THUDDING) Oh, God, it's so hot out here. Yeah, you knew it was gonna be hot when you heard that lonesome slide guitar and that hawk's cry. (GUITAR PLAYS SOMBER RIFF) (HAWK SCREECHES) Hey! This ain't break time! Get back to work!

What if Mamie got cancer? Mamie's not getting cancer! Or how about one of us? What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing.

You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. Well, At these prices, I'm not surprised! That's it, pal! You are outta here!

You son of a bitch!

No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money!

I want to hear more music about pie. It's a wonderful day for pie And it smells a lot better than I Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny

All right, they're done! Time to eat! Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. I...uh... I misspoke. (WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wow, Bonnie! You really took off the baby weight quickly.

Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

I always enjoy traveling companions. Let's play 20 questions. Am I Bo Bice? Yes, I am. Well played, worthy adversary. We're gaining on him. I'm coming, Rupert.

Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone

Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

That son of a bitch.

There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!

Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? To the can, because kissing you made me barf. What? Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage.

Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela."

Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Kate. You don't get it. We are the island. Hand me that paper bag.

Who is that angel? That's Susie Swanson. You don't say. What, like, you think you have a shot with her? Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America.

Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?

dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

What are you saying? That I'm too stupid for it?

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!

I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day.

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue

I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait herE.

This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

ALL: He's taking a stroll

Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind.

Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter.

(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson.

or one of those terms like "donkey punch"? No. Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so. Well, whatever it is, I like it. Green light.

Ahh! Son of a bitch!

ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

Sh-sh-she's new.

and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING)

What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

All right, Dr. Ditty. I got three choices for you for the name of the band: Peter Griffin Starship, Peter Griffin and the Sunday Steppers... or Testicular Sound Express.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) From Joan and Keith.

(ALL GRUNT) Apples! Fire! (SCREAMING) Damn it! Quilters! Advance!

Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics.

Great news, everybody. Democracy just kicked in. (GIGGLING)

Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open!

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.

All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right!

Hey. Sorry I'm late. Brian! What are you doing here? I'm in your class. What? No way! I don't want you in here! Too bad. Here's my class receipt. Now teach me how to find love. All right. Fine. But you lick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.

Lois, last night was amazing. It was, wasn't it? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs. I know. It was amazing. Much better than that night you pretended your penis was Danny Aiello.

Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him?

Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean. Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how! I'm sorry. Can I help you?

TERRORIST: We missed!

Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy, "Maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys. I mean those big, "Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys,

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them.

Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.

You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break! ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! You enjoy the movie, baby?

uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! No! Whoa!

God, a D.U.I.! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail! It's ok, Brian. You'll get through this D.U.I., and you'll be a better person for it. Well now Hold on A minute. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization! Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?

Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.

Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.

Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING)

Oh, Peter, there you are. This is my brother Patrick. Yeah, yeah. Good to meet you, Patrick. All right, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this. I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault, Meg.

I mean, he's got, like, one good song. Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible. Yeah, the opening's okay. And I guess you can't hate Copacabana. Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right?

He's a family guy

No problem. We got money to get that fixed, with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the KennedyS. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money!

Well, we put all your mail on the desk in your room, sweetheart. Thanks, Dad. I'm kidding. You didn't get any mail.

Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that. I just think, you know, I just think, "Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would do. Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child...

Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home.

I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow! - Whoa, what was that? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was my father talking. You, uh, gotta work on that, man. Bad dog.

I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training,

Peter, you know I'm dying to see Zapped. I would much prefer Krull. Well, maybe you should just go by yourself. Well, maybe I will. Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we...

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key. Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key. LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

Yay! I'm part of things, too. Yay! (ALL CHEERING) The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?

Apparently, there were 100 kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog. And yet my guy can't get dick. JOYCE: Singled out for special recognition in orchestrating today's drug bust was Officer Joe Swanson. It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight. Is that a thing?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (YOUR LOVE HAD TAKEN ME THAT HIGH PLAYING)

You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!

Oh, definitely got some weather Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first And then we go back to my house You sound like an unbelievable douche.

(THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.

Oh, hey, John. I like your work... Not! QUAGMIRE: That was the first time anybody ever used that. First time, I swear to God. Glenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy. I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake. Well, maybe it is. Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did.

The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.

I ate a tube of Crest for dinner! Isn't she funny? She's definitely the Kramer of my Mormon wives. - Nancy, get me a beer. - Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol. Peter, did you just throw those women away? No. Maybe.

Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy. Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.

Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird.

Just like I got used to my acrylic nails. (PHONE RINGING) Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman. Hey, Laronda. No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

That is Journey. Streetlight people Get some! Get some! Guys, we were freaking electric.

- What? - Just tell me, right now, that I don't have to stay in this room. You don't have to stay in this room. Oh, thank Christ!

You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back?

(ALL CLAMORING) PETER: He did, too! I saw the picture! STEWIE: Don't touch me.

Now we got to go to another club and start all over again.

Calgon, take him away.

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw.

Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you close your eyes when we make love? I wonder how your father's first day at work went?

I just found my penis.

ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... (ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?

She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on.

Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly

Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses. Look how close we're getting, Meg!

(THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.

I think something may have happened. Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night, put him in the trunk of his car and then drive away? What? Chris, why didn't you say anything? I dropped the ball, I'm sorry. I have just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours.

Santa's got his work cut out for him. We ain't even gotten started yet. I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What?

(BONES CRACKING) Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?

JOYCE: Singled out for special recognition in orchestrating today's drug bust was Officer Joe Swanson. It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight. Is that a thing? It's a great thing. (CHEERING) - Great job, Joe! Way to go! There he is!

Chris, honey, what's wrong?

You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots... at a karaoke bar, doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band. Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome. Wait. What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure.

That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

I only wish we could have a little more time together. We can.

Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE! Uh, Sorry, Stewie. A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.

PETER: Stewie! Stewie, how's that oatmeal?

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

(LOUDER CRACKING) You know, I think it's my back. Really? You've never mentioned back pain before. Yeah, I try not to mention health problems around the house for fear of being put down.

I'll relax him by using my catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING )

Damn it. Peter, what's wrong with you? Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this. (SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her. (CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it!

Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets? Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!

It's raining luggage and babies and limbs and Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child.

Keith. Wow, look at this place. There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise.

Dig 'em. You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some. Give her the web site. StewieGriffinFacial.com. No, no, no, that's something else.

I love you. What? What did you say? Olive juice. Olive juice? Olive juice you, too. All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial. If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain.

Then what? Peter got blamed!

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods.

Stewie, guess what.

Knock, knock. Nicole? Ronald? Who's ready for Boggle? Oh, my God! No! Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole! My man, Ronald, who did this? Oh, man, they were so good together!

Oh, okay. I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh. I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got. Carol, it's so good to see you. You, too, Lois. God, that is one nice ass. Thank you. You're welcome.

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.

Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety. Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video.

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting.

My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.

And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?

Why are we in New York? I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon. Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects. Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.

There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right? All right, I guess. Good. Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors.

Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up.

Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd.

We were just calling to... Are you there, dear? I hope you got our card. We had quite a cold snap here. Okay, nobody talk, we'll just wait for her to talk. Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear? Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold.

What the hell is this?

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance.

Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay. (ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12.

Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China, and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?" Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I tell you, This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe?

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us. Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.

He loves his children and mE-- Ok, Ok. I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift. What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself. Honey, I'll be right there. By all means, take your time. Oh, and When you do finally get around to it,

Well, that'll do it for us here. Thanks for watching Channel Five, the most trusted name in news. (SPUTTERS) Oh, crap. (SPUTTERS) Oh, come on. (SPUTTERS) Ugh, let's go, Tom. (SPUTTERS) (GRUNTS) Work, damn it. What the hell? What's going on with the news?

What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck. (SNORING)

Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner. Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home? In a minute. Would you just look at this beautiful tree? Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night.

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes. And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!

Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.

Your finger's up your nose and you are dripping with drool But if you want a lady's love You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool A squirt, a spurt Of somethin' just for Ellen And you'll see that she will find you so compellin'

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Yikes! Awkward.

Splendid. That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little...

Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word?

Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. Why? Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that. I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past? I mean, you could make life better for yourself. And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11.

The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!

I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian! All right, Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from...

Meg! Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home. Oh, Sweetie. It's good to have you back. Hey, honey. I'm sorry we missed your ball game. What? Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg. I love you, too.

He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off.

Hey, Peter, does your tail itch?

Just remember In the winter Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed

I did not want to have to do that. They were very nice to me up until then. Peter, stop staring out the window. Ryan's gone. He finished his movie, he's moved out.

You drove us to Virginia? All right, look, we're sorry we deceived you girls, but this is important. The trail leads to a bartender who works here. He could be the source of the dirty joke.

undefinedYeah! " love horses. Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride. Oh, come on, you can't expect me to ride that thing. Sorry, we're short on horses. You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke. - Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here.

What the hell is so bloody fascinating? (GASPING) You!

That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT) Well, that's it. Three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets. Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets.

Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited. And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by, I'll make sure he thinks you're.... Mr. Griffin, chillax. We're doing the best we can. There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Quick, Brian, get on! PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy. Oh, God! Now where are we?

No, that house is no good, Michael Cera lives there. He's just handing out low energy one-liners. Nice costume. (MUMBLING) I haven't put mine on. Not really. This is my costume.

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

And while I'm away Dust out the demons inside And it won't be long Before you and me run

I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.

Brooke, I'm so in fore with you

I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle. - Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up?

And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs.

Meg, who let you back in the house?

(SHOUTING) What?

So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand. Our son is a deserter. Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail. Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie. Joe, you can't! Bonnie, we'll discuss this later!

Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Never heard of it. It's all right T, they're with me.

Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, ugly!

Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

(SOFTLY) Throw it away in the outside garbage.

(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know.

I fucked your dad.

(INHALES DEEPLY) (GROWLING PLAYFULLY) "I'm swimming at night 'cause I'm a slut "and now I'm paying the price for it." (PANTING)

Wow, 18-year-old Lois.

Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING)

It's just an excuse to dress slutty. "I'm a slutty nurse," "I'm a slutty pirate," ""I'm a slutty cancer survivor." Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action!

Well, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian? Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.

Son, you have my word, I am not gay. You promise? I promise. All right, I believe you. But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. Oh, come on. Just be gay.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!

So... No, you can't take him.

Dear God, my time machine! You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad.

Actually, I got it on the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said, "I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again. Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason. Either of you guys think it's a little suspicious that Peter took out a life insurance policy on Lois right before she went missing?

Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe.

(PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right?

(ECHOING) Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy. Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than what was called for, but that's what happens when you challenge someone's faith.

(SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear.

(GASPING) Oh, my God! Mom's brother's crazy.

But how am I ever gonna spread it on my rippling back and thighs? This is gonna take drastic measures. All right, get the camera ready. Oh, Luke. Mission accomplished, Peter.

Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris" They shine like sunny weather

I don't believe this. I just lost a $50 bet. You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife. But there's nothing funny about that. (LAUGHING)

Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy.

(EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch?

This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD! Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe.

That's good old-fashioned family racism.

Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe.

They don't use metal because it reacts chemically with the fish eggs and changes their taste. Oh! Well, that's fascinating. You could have just complimented the free food, but one-upping me is another way to go. - So, you know, guys... - Bitch. ...Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Good-bye, kids.

Shut up, British Meg.

English - US - CC

We are so throwing you a shower! Well, Fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar.

Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter. (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) Are you a pedophile?

Well, I went to the streets to find out. Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No. No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable.

what might not be okay with it. That's true. And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time?

I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff,

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom?

uh, I do not sound like that!

Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!

But, Dad, you're retired. I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted.

This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! Ha! No bail! Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it!

I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more?

None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else.

except my invisible friend,

I will be next September. Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence. (GLASS SHATTERS)

GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!

You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland.

Hey, Joe, can't you just arrest the guy? I can't arrest Jeff unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police. She won't go to the police. She's afraid of what Jeff will do. And to be honest, I don't blame her. I mean, what happens if one of these nights, he hits her so hard, he kills her? Sorry, Quagmire.

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.

I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs. I think we should all go together to pick Meg up. She's probably a little fragile after being in there so long, and I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces. I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.

Hey, Peter, slap me five. Slap me ten. Around the side. And back again. Up high. Down low. Now, over by the diving board. Now, on the other side of the pool.

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No!

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

and we'll call it Handiquacks?

Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of e veryda y situa tions. ' '

Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts,

After MySpace but before Twitter. There was a time before Twitter? Look who's here! Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble.

Peter, You are welcome to stay with us as long as you like. Aw, Thanks, Muriel. So, uh, What do you guys do for fun around here? We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California, to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.

(BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me! I'm trying, I... Try harder! Peter, if you just stop for one second... Lois, that hurts. Quit it. (BOTH MOANING) Peter, are we having sex? Let's check. Just lift up that fold right there. Uh, yup.

This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH SIGHING)

(ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11.

Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

I know you can't understand what I'm going through. All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you. You are one lucky-- Ah-ah, Stop now. Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them. I do them because I love my family.

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone.

(CHOIR SINGING) Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious.

What do you say to that, broccoli?

I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway. Man! This is even better than... No, wait. No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know. Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!

We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest. We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off. Well, well. Finally, a true test of my abilities. You came to the right place, Joe. I'll psych that guy out for you. Peter, you can't do this. All right, I mean, it's one thing to take money from a bunch of suckers,

You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water?

Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes!

Lois' friend "yacht boy" and his lovely wife Caca invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets. All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him. Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh.

Oh. Good morning. Oh. Hey, Lois. Who's... Who's your friend? Rita, this is Lois. Lois, Rita. So great to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie.

(COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend.

Enough of this crap. Ezekiel.

And there's the Vietnam War Memorial. Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to those Vietnam vets. Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Aw! What happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy! I kill him! He cry like a bitch! Vietnam, undefeated!

Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.

- Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good.

I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality.

Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you.

Peter, look! The Clam!

Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

(CROWD CHEERING) Schpupel! (GROANING) Don't be sad, Peter. That's why they call it "schpupel."

Hey, Meg, watch.

He's a family guy

What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster.

(GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING)

I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.

You heard me. Are you some kind of 'mo? Oh, God, please tell me I'm not married to some Nancy boy. Why? Would that be a problem? Are you kidding? 'Course it would. My dream is to live the married life and settle down. I can't be doing that with no gay. I see.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00. I'm sure we can figure something out. (LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh.

it is the white devil that has propagated exacerbated, instigated,

Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done.

Donny Most Donny Most Sunday, Monday Happy Days

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling?

I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.

I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.

Alaska? But that's so far away! And what about the high percentage of Eskimo child molesters? Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!

Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.

I'm with you. I'm on the train! Do you have a needle? There's a pin in the sweater. Here. Oh, my God! This is happening! This is really happening! Oh, I think this is going to look so good on me. You know what else? Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles. Aren't we supposed to, like, heat it or something?

Lando to Enterprise! Draw their fire away from the cruisers! We're having tea, thank you very much. Yes, tea.

I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets.

Amelia Earhart flew a lot of airplanes Except for that one time when she didn't come back Cleopatra lived way out in the desert And then, there's Maude! Come on! But still found a way to keep herself looking fine And then, there's Maude Ah! Ah!

(WHISTLES) You think this is gonna work? Oh, yeah. Those Ewoks had all of five minutes to get things prepared. I'm sure it's all gonna work out fine. (HORNS BLOWING)

This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time.

You beat me to it. Man, I haven't had this much fun since I was in that Broadway show. I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned

You could get a part-time job. Yeah, I had one when I was in high school. aah! That'll be $27.50.

Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING)

Brian, meet Bitch Brian.

No! Whoa! ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday.

What's his appeal?

(SIGHING) (VACUUM CLEANER ROARING) (GROANING) (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS) (EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet.

Mmm. That was incredible, Kevin. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad? Did I say you could rest yet?

(WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry!

Now we can live with you again even though you're a dangerous retard. Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it.

(GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

Oh, I'm so happy you had fun. I did, too.

Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

Peter, I think you may have had one too many. Maybe it's time to ease off, huh? What are you talking about, Lois? Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition. (SLURRING) I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom, Tom and other Tom in our village!

What about my interview? Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell!

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough

What? There. Are you happy, Doug?

and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny. That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)

You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere. I wouldn't count on it, Lois. (STILL PLAYING)

Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me.

I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot.

Are you a detective? Yes, my gums are sore! Enough of this! I must complete my time machine, move time forward, and end this agony! Hey, Dad. Mom says she was really on last night. Yeah. About that. Lois, see, the guys were just being polite. They thought your singing was too...

This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher!

You know, you're a jackass.

You have abandonment issues.

Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you! You're why cavemen painted on walls!

PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right?

Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome! Lois, I'm gonna win that thing. Peter, why would you want a used dirt bike when you already have a car? Because this is 1978, Lois, and dirt bikes have never been hotter. Besides, I get one of those things, it's gonna be a buffet of beave.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Hey, Hey, Brian.

Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar. And there's a naked priest sitting there. And he... Oh, sorry, Father. No, I've heard them all. Oh, Look at the time. I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her. Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people?

Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful!

This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took. It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see

I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit.

You'll never know just how much I love you You'll never know just how much I care Yeah!

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

I don't know about that. Tell you what, I'll get us started. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me.

Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger.

Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice. Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.

Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.

We gotta get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters. Let's go!

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman. GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning... but right now, I am exhausted. Just please don't tell them.

Here's your welfare check. What the...

Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter. Come join us. Oh, okay! (SNAPPING)

Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner.

No! Books are jerks.

He'll be fine. We shouldn't let this ruin our night. Let's just enjoy the strippers. I guess. I just hate the way that one gets so into her work. You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework. Darn it. Fractions are so hard. What did you get for number four? She said don't share answers!

You know, kids, there's a lot of history here. These '50s diners were very popular in the '80s. Boy, am I going to enjoy this meal. Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived.

Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

(ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap. No light speed? No light speed.

I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now!

No. Oh, my bad.

Now you must die! (GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS)

It's obeying all the rules! No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!

Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl.

It's $10 an hour. But there's a $100,000 deposit. Oh, God. Looks like we're walking. Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune. Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Brian, look what I won. Wow, what'd you win that for? For having the best pig in the competition. - Wait, you bred a pig? - Sure did. Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig.

Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck!

Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own. Peter, I hate to say this but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you.

Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow? We're off to Bethlehem! (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song. My darling dear Lois, may I have this dance?

Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty.

What the fuck was that?

And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole. Hey, you want to hear a real live-action fart instead of one of those fake, cartoony ones? (FARTS QUIETLY)

Brian, could we really? Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business. Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

What do you got? I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.

Hey, Chris? (DISTANTLY) Yeah? Do you think Lois would be okay if I ate a Pop-Tart in bed? Probably. Probably, right? Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you have three crushed ribs, but I was able to stop the internal bleeding.

And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir?

(PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)

And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it.

But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Mom, this is so lame. Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured.

Here you go. Here's the key, Pete. Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye. Shall we?

That'll be more pathetic than that game of Marco Polo I played with Helen Keller. Marco. Marco. Marco.

Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries. (BILL COSBY SCATTING) Ghost Dad!

Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing? Never mind that, let's just get going.

Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

BRIAN: Hello? - Hello? - DOG: Hello. - BRIAN: Are you a dog? - Yes! BRIAN: I am also a dog. - DOG: All right! - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're dogs! - BRIAN: Yeah, we're dogs! DOG: We're dogs that live near each other! DOG 2: Hey, are you guys dogs? - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're totally dogs! BRIAN: Yeah, both of us! Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull.

Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker!

yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me

No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God! Excuse me. Do you have an A.T.M.?

Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish. I'd sell my soul to be famous! Oh! I got a live one! Peter GriffIN. Ooh. Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. Oh, And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?

Six. Five. Four. Three.

I think we're doomed. Nah. Unless they've got any big, giant robot camels, I think we're okay. Jim, robot camels.

That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own. undefinedHow about a movie? " don't go out with dudes. Mom, Dad, am I ugly? Of course not, sweetie.

Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV. I'll just make my own sitcom in my head. And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme. This time around I'm staying at home

Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!

Brian, please, save your hippie BS for the winter months, okay?

You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush.

But I forget how to make love.

A phone? A pony?

(ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.

Tell him yourself. I can't. I don't want to disappoint him again. remember what happened when he tried to sneak me into the County Fair? Uh, One, please. Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no, No! Nothing about this adds up at all!

Everyone knows you always get bad news in the middle of the night. Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What? - You have cancer! - What? Yeah. I thought you should know. Okay, go back to sleep. Wait, I have questions. (SIGHS) It's very late.

Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period. This court will now come to ordER.

But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it!

I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer. Be careful, Lois.

Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Here are the products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year. The African-American heart monitor. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead. (READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you.

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up.

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

You're gonna attack them? (MIMICKING) "You're gonna attack them?" That's how you sound. (SQUEAKILY) "You're gonna attack them?" Imagine listening to that all day.

Now, what does that mean, Wish It. Want It. Do It? Well, it basically just refers to the steps necessary for identifying and achieving your dreams and doing so in as effective and expeditious a manner as possible. Wow. And it's nonfiction, right? Yes, it is. Now, which one is that? I always forget.

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home!

Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up.

Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there,

You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap.

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat. Joanie, it's me. Oh, hey! You know, I had such a great time with you last night. Listen, there's something I have to tell you. I just got back from the doctor. I have herpes. I think you should get yourself checked out. Oh, my God.

My God, you know what this means?

Yeah, Stow the 'tude, queenie.

Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations.

Hey there We're out here on stage tonight to do a show for you We got Peterson on the violin And Quagmire and Joe will be joining in We got stumpy Seamus on the lead guitar And he's gonna give you a great big... (GRUNTING) Break!

Probably lick my ass. Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening. Well, I don't see a way around it, do you? I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?

All right, then.

Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago,

Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that.

Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie

Oh, That's ok. No charge. Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world. Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.

How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out.

Well, the fat man made a funny.

It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose You will wind up wearing tattered shoes If you mess with Mr. Booze

Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

It's Indian. And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper? I don't know, Peter. That doesn't sound very sexy. What are you talking about? Bombay is sperm city. Slumdog Millionaire? More like Scumdog Put-it-there.

Bocce balls! I bought a tank.

"Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear!

That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

(WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs.

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

You do what you want, Brian, but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard! Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice. You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist. (LAUGHING) Really, Brian? He doesn't exist? That's right, he's not real. Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian.

Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

I fell down the stairs.

all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time, I've got this bowl of cornflakes, and I gotta be at work at 9:00. So what are we gonna do here? Not so fast.

Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands.

Hey, Brian, when you're done, can I make a pirate hat? Here, just take it. I look awesome. All right, I got to go to a wedding. I'll see you later. Oh, my God, that is fantastic news!

- That's racist, man. - Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, dog.

Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!

What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you!

Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!

Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house? Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you...

Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off.

(BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING)

Down by the shores of the hanky-panky Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky (SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate. Miss Hobson, Stewie's really been acting out a lot at home. And I was just wondering, how's he been behaving at school?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's your voice, Brian. It's a depressing voice, but it's yours. Write from that.

(GASPS) A-ha! Daddy! Just as I thought! Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. Daddy, you're the embarrassment. Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run!

All right, that's it!

And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy.

Fred Savage? Wait a minute! You're Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore? Yes, I am. They're both characters I created. But, why? Well, after The Wonder Years, I was hungry to do more acting but the pickings were slim. So I came up with this scheme to satisfy my need to perform,

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC.

Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?

The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD.

He is gonna die, Chris, and there is no God. Meg, stop being truthful with your brother.

You are so fucking funny!

Well, Lois, until we get an appointment secretary, things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks. My parents are not gonna like this, Peter. You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding. You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her.

I could do cocaine if I wanted to. Peter, you want some potatoes? Yeah, how you doing? I was just asking if you wanted... We got enough napkins? Yeah, we got enough napkins. That's enough. That's enough, right there. (SIGHS) What time is it? Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't...

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning

Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. (ACCORDION PLAYING)

- (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening? I got it!

Well, well, well. Who do we have here? It's me, Chris. You know me. And why are you talking like a bad guy? Listen, I saw you steal money from Mom's purse. Oh... Well, I was just trying to get new sneakers. You're not going to tell on me, are you? Well, that depends. On what?

I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.

What kind? Turkey.

You're welcome.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine. What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here. All prescribed to James Woods. And all from Goldman's pharmacy. What's that all about, Goldman? I don't know what you're talking about. James Woods never bought anything in my pharmacy. Ever. PETER: Yes, he did.

FEMALE VOICE: Final checkpoint. Answer this question. "What is the most unattractive "male first name in the English language?" Keith.

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf?

And the kid needs to be really cute, so I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. (DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you!

I don't know, you guys. This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?

Anyway, it was a horrible place where they took away everybody's African names and gave them new names. What's your name? Tobi with an "I." With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O,"

Except that one guy. But he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree. Tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Stop it! Ho, Ho, Ho. tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Oh, God! You want to rescue her, don't you? uch. It's times like this I wish they'd used me for stem-cell research. Help me!

Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses. I got to put in my contacts. By the way, the repair shop called. They said they can't fix your camera.

(PHONE RINGING) Hi, my name's Classy.

Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT? I'm busy. Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you. I-I don't know if you remember, but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later. Damn rookies.

Okay. Now, remember to play it cool. Act like you belong here. (SHOUTING) Oh, my God, Miley! I love you! I love you! I love you! I'm your biggest fan! Can I touch your hair? Who are you guys? How did you get back here? Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby. And he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer.

he has left video wills applicable to a wide variety of situations. Hello. If you're watching this, it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed. As a result, I'm now dead. KENNETH: That's not it. If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885.

What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.

Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street.

Look what happened by accident.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can.

Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man.

(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying. Jane Fonda. (STUTTERS) Is that? Is that right? Yeah, that's right, buddy. Totally Jane Fonda. It's gonna be okay. Your pal Stewie is right here.

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand. The Army said you'd been killed in action. What happened?

And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address.

Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, let's play ball. PETER: Ow!

Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor, and on my days off, an avid golf enthusiast. The club's having a Man-Boy golf tournament. You two should enter. A tournament, huh? That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car! This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!

That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.

because I really do care about you,

You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?

He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore,

Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.

pair of Lee jeans for $9.

(FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES)

What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you. Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.

Round and round

Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient. We're projecting 10 billion within five years. Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason. Do they eat just, like, regular food? No, no, no, the opposite.

My God. Nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink.

No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee.

Oh, just a housewife?

Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him.

I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I've broken my pencil!

Peter, what the hell?

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.

Holy crap. It's a gay bar!

So, if you guys are a family, why are none of you the same shade of black?

Let's face it. Your kids are gonna get into your guns. That's a fact. Gun accidents can be avoided by introducing your children to guns as early as possible. Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Say, Do you ever get lonely? Yes. Me, too. Hold me. if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away.

No, it's a tumor.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

I am going on a diet. And I'm not stopping till I look as good as my great aunt, Legs Go All The Way Up Griffin. Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.

I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.

I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all,

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct.

Question number 2. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? I--I don't know. Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

You come out here right now!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new.

No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah

(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)

Is this the Griffin household? Yes. There was a fire at Quahog Liquor last night. No people were killed, but the burned body of a dog was found inside. The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

well, 2 can play at that game. I just gotta find my little black book.

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

My God, this is absolutely beautiful. I bet Jeff Probst has a house like this. Joe? Peter? What the hell are you guys doing here?

I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you.

Oh, What's that smell?

Look, There's a reason I'm in charge here, all right? I'm the one who knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town. And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!

I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Well, we've gotta stop Bertram. What are we gonna do? Don't worry, Brian, I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm a genius. Like Thomas Edison.

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!

(GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck. The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser. I'll never be able to face Lois. Well, The circus is in town. Maybe you could run away and join it.

5% of the country has. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. More trouble in the skies over Quahog tonight, as a Transnational jet is apparently out of control. Channel Five has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit. (PETER'S VOICE ON TAPE)

Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way. Oh, Found the emergency exit.

This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours, right here on the midnight shift. Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand--

Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...

What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

(ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg.

Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy.

Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian.

Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass!

- But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us. If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.

Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista.

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine.

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.

Good job, Lois. Good job, local hen.

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it? Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had. I sold twice as many buckets today because everybody wants to hit the fat kid.

No mercy! (FARTS)

English - US - CC

Yeah. Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music? Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music. He-hee. Yeah!

Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.

She must have been quieter than Britney Spears' dietician. (IN QUIET VOICE) Easy on those trans-fats. Not everything needs gravy. You know, there're some carrots down at the other end. That cheesecake was for everyone. Her hand was right beneath my pillow.

I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night. What funny thing? You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh.

You know who I don't miss is Joe.

The emotional storm. Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's... Come here, come here. Stewie'll take care of you, you big drug-aroni. Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else. Oh. My problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star,

Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

(JINGLING KEYS) (LAUGHING) That's so satirical! What social commentary!

Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin?

where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...

Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!

What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid.

So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it!

And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds...

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet,

That's impossible. She was still passed out on the couch when we left. (GROANS) What the hell happened? Joe! You're okay! Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious.

Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want. The guys only want to do one thing. And that's ogle your wife. If Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again, I'm the jealous type. Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal--

Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.

Son of a bitch.

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so.

Daddy, no! Please! Please!

We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.

That happened, and we all let it happen.

(GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays! Wouldn't I love a tinker toy

Now, on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought. My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's got to come out. BOTH: What? It's been in the microwave for three minutes. It'll get dry. Now... Please. Please. We can't take any more shtick.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're...

There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.

Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?

So, how are your academics going? Good. Real good.

I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats. Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.

I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun

I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.

Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! in other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought. in a recent 12-day study... My last beer. Here goes.

Peter, what is it? What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk--ed out of a sound sleep.

But she's my favorite.

I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?

"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"?

I hate vegetables.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this. Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God.

Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart

Okay, somebody really needs to help me here.

I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Oh, come, get in bed with us.

Get the fuck out of my house!

as usual. I'm going upstairs to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these!

Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Oh, thank God! Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be... Oh, my God!

a smart, sexy, real person who I can talk with and share every piece of me with. I had a moment of weakness today, but, in a way, it's all right because it's taken me to a place where I now realize that you're not too old for me. Isn't that great? You're not too old for me! You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me.

He needs surgery to save his life. But when he is placed on the operating table, the doctor says, "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." Who is the doctor? Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away.

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

And now you're dead. Score one for Peter.

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake,

I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness. Don't hear those crickets no more. (STRAINING) I'm not gonna make it. You hang in there, you hear me? Listen to me. I want you to take care of my kids. I will.

Hi, there. How's it going? Would you like some tea? Cigar? Brandy? (MUMBLING) No. I'm good, thanks. We read your article, Brian. Your study in postmodern American subcultures was quite illuminating. Oh, wow, thanks. That really means a lot coming from you guys.

CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.

I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again. Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.

Listen, Peter, some friends of mine and I are getting together tonight and we wanted to invite you to join us. O-M-A. I am so there. Whose crappy van should we take? Actually, we are meeting here. Follow me. Oh, hey, you guys. Hey, is anyone gonna object if I pick my nose with a dagger?

Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!

(TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE) Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother! You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

It's hardly a date. Oh, yeah? You want to see? I'll call her right now and ask her out to dinner. Hey, Denise? It's me. Brian. Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking...

PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire?

HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it!

(IN DEEP VOICE) Hey, Jilly bean. Hey, it's Brian again. So, yeah. So I figured we could get together tonight and maybe do all those things sexually that we usually do. What were those again? No way, gross. I mean... No. Yeah, I totally love how that feels.

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year.

I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me. My God! He's practically ruined me. I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something.

Uh, Can I swim with my shirt on?

Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Never heard of it. It's all right T, they're with me. Hey, JC. What's up?

Dad, what are you doing? Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40. (MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

What's more important to you, your job or your family? And don't pick the obvious one.

(ALARM BLARING)

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

Tonight it's gonna be four. Are you saying you intend to kill your opponent? Let's just say you don't want to miss round six. (GASPS) Lois, you can't go out there! What? Why not? Because if you step into that ring, she's gonna kill you. No, she's not, Peter. What the hell kind of talk is that? Now, I'm gonna win this thing.

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot! It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V.

in the house you know, you know, come on

Oh, I hate vegetables.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber. People see us everywhere They think you really care But myself I can't deceive

ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her. "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop." Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd!

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.

Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two. It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

You're right, it is. Ha! Ha! Ha! Peter.

(SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

Very well. Fire phasers! Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter. Well, well. Do you know what today is?

Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too. I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt. Whoops.

Do you think we should tell someone, or do something? Well, we could do something. Like what? Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me.

You son of a bitch!

Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control. Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

He made me sort the camp recyclables. But some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR)

What the hell? I killed you! I choke myself every day, you bastard. (SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!

My son, Chris, is in charge of our space program. We hope to get to the moon very shortly. Almost... Ow! They should really use monkeys for this.

What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!

Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you. Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse.

Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll--

Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger.

Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time! I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on!

Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband.

Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?

but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay. Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous. There's something I have to tell you.

Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4.

Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you."

A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane. (CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING)

And I still got to eat the donut. - Why isn't everybody doing this? - They are. (DOORBELL RINGS) I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS) Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian.

What the fuck is going on with my life?

Oh, boy, I tell you I haven't felt this good since I came up with that new place to hide my porn. Have a good day, sweetie. ISPY MUSIC PLA YING)

Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY) It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please.

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie.

West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret

Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house.

Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes? Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter. And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown! Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it.

Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there. You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind.

Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

I used to guest host The Tonight Show. Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film.

All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round.

FRANZ: So now you know the truth. (COCKS GUN) I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.

Naked plastic chicks.

Okay. (BREATHING DEEPLY) (EXCLAIMS) Don't do it right here! I don't want to watch! What? Take it over there. Do it in the corner. - It's gross! - It's your poop! Yeah, but it's your activity, you know? It's your thing.

Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.

- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa.

Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

(STILL PLAYING)

Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?

"Falcon stolen." Ew! There's a toenail in this. Guess I'll just go back to coughing. (COUGHING)

Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car!

A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks.

- Shut up. - No, you shut up.

To the Popemobile!

So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes.

Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!

No, No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way. yeah, But you could cut a roast on her faCE. I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER? Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall.

I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?

Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What?

Do We have an opening bid? Anything? We'll take any bid. it can enslave the human race. Come on, people! It's solid titanium. You! Over here in the back! Do I hear $100? Oh, Come on! $5? All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime.

Hugh Downs away!

MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm?

This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah!

Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.

I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

You know, there's been a lot of talk lately about homosexuals, but how do you know what to believe? Well, here are a few tips that may help you tell when you've got a gay. So, uh, what's your favorite Madonna album? I like her early work. MAN: If his answer is anything but "I've never bought one," you've got a gay.

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money. Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family.

You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops. Oh, good. You guys can still catch Briggs.

ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.

PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked.

- Say, that's a nice effect. - Yeah. That's really scary. Wait a second. If you're there, and I'm here... ...and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area... ...then who the hell is that?

It starts with checking out sweet-ass DVD releases,

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom.

They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific.

Get on with it. Uh, okay. Here, let me stroke your hair. Thank you. I want to do gay things for you. I... I crave your groin. Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible.

Mom, Stewie's dead.

Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise, we're all gonna be... (GUN COCKING) So it's all out in the open now, isn't it? Stewie, how long you been all messed up and evil like this? Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes.

Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no!

Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh? Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl. Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door? Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance.

Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

Welcome to the Historical Society Auction. Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. We'll start the bidding at $140,000. What a marvelous vessel. It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier". You are so right. Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan!

Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.

PETER: Oh, wow! Oh, my God! Oh, this is amazing! You dirty girl. Peter, I haven't left yet. You sick whore.

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young...

Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.

He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

We've had it with your crap. I talked to the coach, and he's selling your contract to another team. And the only one that'll take you is the worst football team in Europe, the London Silly Nannies.

I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues. Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. Let's give you a nice, tweedlie little mustache here.

Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible! Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa!

Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink.

Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet.

Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is.

24 months in prison? Unacceptable!

She calls herself an assistant, but yes. What is it, Sandra? There's a man here to see you. He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. Really? Well, then, by all means, send him in! Hey, knucklebutts! BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods? (STAMMERS) But I don't understand! I thought you were dead! Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not. I don't believe you.

Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow! What are you doing here? Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.

Peter, what're you doing? Crack.

ANNOUNCER: Andnaw back to Jaws V, Fire Island. - Yau think we should be this far out? - Stap worrying, Mark. We 'ff be fine. Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts.

There. How's that feel? Well, it-it's... It's delightful. Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you.

(MONSTER SNARLING)

It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose?

Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead.

Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!

Ah! Ah! (STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm!

So be it. I'll do to you what B.C. does to comedy on a daily basis. CAVEMAN 1: Hey, why is Juan so happy? CAVEMAN 2: I think he finally figured himself out. CAVEMAN 1: Huh, I guess it takes Juan to know Juan. (LAUGHING)

Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you? Hello, I'm, uh, Stephanie Griffin. Hi, Stephanie. What's your talent? I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.

Gosh, that's awful!

My ass feels like a pincushion.

Stewie, what's wrong?

I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed up. Ok, everybody. For my next miracle, I'm gonna turn water into funk. Peter, the circus is terrific. But it's not just Stewie's birthday.

Those fucking things live forever.

All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial.

(CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies. They're shiny. Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

(PANTING) I can't finish! You have to!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people.

Sorry. I just farted.

He's also vile and disgusting.

No! (SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING)

Come on, Lois. All I gotta do is have a spiritual vision. I've had one before. Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo." Peter, those are Cheerios.

And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.

The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! No toys, Stewie. Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come! Mom, can I turn the heat up? Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.

Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.

Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.

I don't understand, John. The groundskeeper said he saw the mummy burning the flag. But mummies don't hate America. They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.

Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

Don't wish it away Don't look at it like it's forever Between you and me I could honestly say

And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you You oughta know for haven't I told you so? Ok, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now. All right!

It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.

The Death Star's going to be completed on schedule.

I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Yay! What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.

You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here?

(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good.

Stupid, greedy savages!

Let me hear your war cry!

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body. Come on. I'll show you around.

So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!

Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee."

Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What?

Do me a favor and keep Marian company while I'm gone. Uh, sure. Great. Bye, honey. (KISSING) Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic. Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. Wait a second. I'll be right back.

(FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

Peter, you awake? It's a beautiful day. Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't die from that weird sleep-breathing thing I have. (SCREAMS) You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day,

It's an Amish doll. They're not allowed to have faces. Has something to do with vanity. Looks like a cross-dressing Cobra Commander. Who? Cobra Commander. He's the head of Cobra. The bad guys from G.I. Joe. The guys who oddly shout the name of their terrorist organization as they're attacking. Guys, we're under attack.

Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee? Sure. I get off at 2:00. GrEAT! Uh, uH, Great! I'll meet you here. Hey, hey, You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.

Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could. What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you.

What's a library, Dad? Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside.

(SNIFFLING) But Brian, I... I don't wanna lose anybody!

She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.

Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do?

Keep your distance, though, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance. How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, fly casual! (WHISTLING)

I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!

Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song? Some say love It is a river That drowns The tender reed

Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.

Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me. Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now.

MAMET: Hey, Tony. Oh, my God, that's David Mamet. There's the man of the evening. I read your play, An American Marriage. It was incredibly raw. I was pretty damn impressed. Oh, thank you, David. David, this is Brian. Brian, David. Oh, it's an honor.

Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again? I... Possibly. I mean, in what context? Well, we're trying to make Cleveland see that she's no good and that he can't trust her, and if he catches you guys in the act, then... Okay, oh, no, no, okay. No, I'm... I'm with you now. Yeah, no, yeah, you know, I can probably work that in. Terrific. Thank you!

Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me. You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that. Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.

Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this.

Nah, nah Family guy

Hungry sharks, strong, rapey men,

I'm asking, did you see the DVD frat house edition with all the uncensored footage and the interview with Ryan Reynolds?

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.

Hello, little sea monkeys. He's back. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. Steve, do something. Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle.

Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See?

Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house.

"and come up there and punch you." Take that, Orion. That's right. All you are is a failed production company.

She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt."

(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman.

(CROWD CHEERING) I'll finish it later. Yay! Lois, these eggs are scrambled.

I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twi-- Hey, Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! Get him! Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this?

WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning.

Wow, that was dramatic. My God, he's really dead. - This is it. - Yeah. But why hasn't the universe ceased to exist? I don't know. Unless there's still a chance of me being born.

You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

(WOMAN LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHILD LAUGHING) Stewie, you want a Mommy rocket ride? What? What do you mean? Here we go! Get ready for blastoff!

That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.

Don't you dare get on that plane.

You've gotta be kitten me! Ha! (GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries. What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?

He's already got his sugar cut up into neat little lines for his breakfast tomorrow. CHRIS: And a razor blade to shave. Wow, look at this. I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here?

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system.

Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

Okay, Luke, this will keep you warm until I get the shelter built. You're sure this is okay? Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat.

Mamma mia! What is this? Leonardo da Vinci, I presume. Who are you, little lisping baby? Your assassin, you overrated caricaturist!

I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?

I'm gonna do everything a redneck is supposed to do. This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man.

War! (GRUNTS) Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand.

Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes! (ALL CHEERING) Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense, now that he lives on Boner Street.

UH, Hey, can I join you? I guess. What's your namE? Josh. Do you, like, live around herE? No. I, uh, I live with my mom. Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up!

(JILLIAN AND BRIAN CHUCKLING) BRIAN: You like that? Yeah, it's rad. BRIAN: Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom. Brian, are you guys up? Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Go back to bed. But I'm not tired. And I'm lonely.

Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it. Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from.

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.

Brian, she's my wife, and you're my best pal. So, what are we gonna do about this? (SIGHS) I promise, Peter, nothing like this will ever happen again. Thanks, old buddy.

- Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God.

Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.

Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.

Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

(ANNOUNCER READING)

You should see the way I have to pick up chicks. Hi. (GIGGLING)

Boy, you look a lot better from the back.

Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged!

We're here live in our studio where a checkout girl in a cheap dress who wants to be a model is ready to draw the winning numbers. "E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44.

Mr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live. Ahhh! But, hey, what the hell do I know? Ha. I've been-- I've been sued by every patient I ever had. Look at the size of this file. This is--This... Heh. WoW. Ah... Now, Let's just wait for the test results. Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap.

He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!

but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot!

Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that...

I got a knack for delivering bad news.

You need to come home with me. Bonnie, stay with me. I promise, it will take three years with this accent before you figure out I'm just a normal jerk. Bonnie, listen to me. I'm your husband. He may be your husband, but I would do anything for you.

Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk.

Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head. Damn it, Peter. I'm probably gonna have to get a job.

and if you can find them,

And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.

"We have your son." Meg's our daughter. Peter, do something!

What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?

Oh, so now everyone understands me. Look, Meg, we're just worried about you. Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the...

Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking!

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.

So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin. Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN)

(SIGHING) You know what, fat man?

Am I blue or am I red? This is crazy.

Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance. Oh... Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house. That seems fair to me. Chris, you have damaged this man's property. And until you pay off the debt, you'll do whatever job he wants you to do.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.

What the hell is going on up there?

So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened.

Victory is mine!

MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis.

A woman of that caliber should be married to a king.

Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog. Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this.

So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.

No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out. "P.S. Your vagina is in the sink."

I don't think so. You're in my jurisdiction now, Sheriff Butt Breath. (GUNS COCKING) Wow, Joe, how'd you pull that off? I put in a call from the McDaniel's pay phone while you guys were getting that nine-piece chicken McFingers and those Diet Conks and those Fresh Fries.

I was wrong about you! You've gone soft on me, Holy Father! Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good! Are you calling me a liar? Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.

Meg, stop it. Come on. All right, all right, Meg, look, what if I... What if I drove you and walked in with you or whatever? (GASPING) Brian, will you go with me? - Are you going to kill yourself if I don't? - Yeah. (LAUGHING) Well, then my hands are pretty much tied. Oh, Brian, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you. You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. You know what, everyone? Forget it.

Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!

Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark.

and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter.

Here, Donna. I got you your 10-year anniversary present. Suntan lotion? But we live in the Northeast. That's right, we do. Unless we were moving to California. (GASPS) He must've got the part. When he going to meet Evita? Not every play is Evita. Oh, no. I feel terrible.

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this.

Consume! I love you so much. This sucks! Well, you know, When I was your age, we had way better drinking games. Ow! Ha! Ha! You drink!

Peter, good news. Your suspension is up. You can have your license back.

Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time. I'm bored.

But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!

Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up. All right, can we go now? Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check.

It's not Tony or Angela.

Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery. Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning. Like a dairy cow. Oh, yes! Yes!

and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.

Oh, shit! That's it!

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

checking out some of that Internet porn.

You're gonna have to pay a high toll if you want to get into this tunnel. Come on, don't say stuff like that. I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.

I think you are a special person. Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second! A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me? so I can tell you that I respect you?

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy.

I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.

That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall! Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place. Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. aah!

Isn't that the little boy who pushed you?

- You see Jimmy Smits in there? - Yeah. Yeah, that was cool.

Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man.

And then, guess what? I'm going to add...

Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.

Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will. Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay. If you want to teach us a lesson... Yeah, that's even better. All right, if that's what you... Wait a minute!

Are you calling me a liar? Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint. Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart.

I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.

Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say.

If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.

(SINGING ELVIRA)

(TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

So, What do you have to do for your community service? I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program. I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years. When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants,

I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. What about that graph on the wall that says, "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? That? Oh! That's just something my son made me in art class. Ah. Then what about that poster that says, "The graph was not made in art class. "We really do want kids to start smoking"?

No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead.

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you.

Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.

Shh. Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station. Oh, uh. My--My blind guy's in the john. I'll point him in your direction. Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing.

Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work...

Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.

We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Hello, dumb-dumb.

Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

I'd sit here and chat with you, but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta, because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! When is it gonna be my turn? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hello This is Tom Tucker...

For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

Look at me. Look what I've become. I thought it'd feel good to be a bully,

Move that bus! (CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever.

Shut up, you nerd. Hey.

Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig. How the hell did you do this?

Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions,

That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!

(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.

Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!

Brian, you know I can't do that. I haven't left this house in such a long time. I'm afraid. I know. But I'll be with you. I don't know. Come on, Pearl. There's so much you've missed in the last 30 years.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

at the Miss USA Pageant? Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free.... You know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, maybe we could.... Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you.

You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No!

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house!

Shut up, Lois. Don't mess up my psychic-ness. I'm sensing a doctor in the audience. Where is the doctor? I'm a doctor. Okay. Your great grandmother is contacting me right now, and she wants to know if this rash looks like it's going to go away. Well, I guess I'd tell her to use Bactine. No! She says Bactine hurts. She wants something more soothing.

- Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

There's no way you're a size six.

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique. Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg.

BRIAN: Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so f got you this answering machine. So, what's going on? f was thinking about doing something tonight-- Hey, you're home.

So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.

In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art. A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.

What do you think, Ollie?

Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!

I mean, how come men always feel like they can just use a woman? You know? Yeah. I mean, we have feelings. We're people. Right. It's like they all have the same mindset. It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah. And there's so much more to life than that. Twenty feet that way, please.

I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--

" don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody.

Make me, Swanson! (ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do?

Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.

I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left.

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery.

Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

You're disgusting. Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection, which is totally unexpected.

Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel? My house burned down. Oh. Why are you naked? Naked? But everybody's been telling me I'm wearing magnificent robes made from the finest silk.

You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean?

Do you hear that? I'm whispering right in your ear. I'm right in your ear. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. (WHIMPERING) MAN: Won't you please do your part to help? Thank you. Wow! Inspiring stuff. Now, underneath each one of your chairs,

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.

(LAUGHING) That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father. (IN DEEP VOICE) Punky... Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon. Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man.

"Beer. Deodorant. Garbage bags. Toothpaste."

Aw, bucka bucka baw.

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale.

and that giant bird's coming for us, isn't he?

From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?

to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention. Ah, I love summer.

I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude.

Thank you, Lois. I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian... you look very handsome. Showtime!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

(LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)

I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.

(GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that! (LAUGHING)

She's right. We're fugitives from the law.

And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair. (ALL GASPING) What?

I haven't seen this much denial since John Travolta married Kelly Preston.

What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?

I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

- All right! You ready for school? - Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes.

Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers.

You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

That one was true.

What is it, Brian?

I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster. Oh, darn it. Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS) How about me, sir? Am I too fat to ride? No, you don't seem to be. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Well, you got to hand it to him. He had a dream and he made it happen.

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later. Thanks, you guys. That was really cool.

It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

(RETCHING) Ahhh!

Meg, you're doing a great job. In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you so much. Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee. Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices. But that's my dad.

Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!

Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest?

your eye is drawn to me. Yeah, that's neat. As there going to be any nudity? Yes, I get naked. You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant?

Why have you forsaken mE? Uh, mis--mis-- Mr. Weed? Um, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And If you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday. Peter, I just received terrible news.

I love you. Fuck off.

How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store.

I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday.

Make any joke you want. You know I look good. Oh, My God! They're at it again! Oh, All this time spent keeping people from having sex! Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing!

We're finished. We're never gonna get home. We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again.

You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!

You can have me.

I have to go to the bathroom for about 30 minutes, as I eat a lot of meat. Please give me your word that you won't go in that door. Okay. Good. See you in a half hour. Peter, this is your chance! Brian, I gave him my word. The hell with that. Let's see what's behind this door.

Ok, move the towel. Move the towel. Oh--oh--Oh! They spotted me. Peter, I think this'll be good for you. You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and... Look at me! Look at-- Look at me!

Why? They're just feet.

Okay, here we go. - How's everybody doing? - Good. Good so far. All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.

I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!

This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.

Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg. Glad to have you. Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work. Now, let me just go over a few basics. You'll earn minimum wage,

Should make for a grand day. Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.

I sure did, Mom. I can't wait for the next family outing. Oh, thanks, Mike. I hate fire stations. (IN DIFFERENT VOICE) No problem, man. (SNIFFING) Is that alcohol on your breath? Yeah, maybe. You're playing this too fast and loose, Mike.

I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.

No, no, No! It's not all right!

Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?

I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.

"You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip.

ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing! Oh, boy! We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois.

Oh, For the love of God. Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.

(GLASS SMASHING)

(NEIGHING) Is someone there?

Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.

See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too. You balanced our checkbook?

(IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.

Yeah, and not fake friends, like guys whose wives are friends. (LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen. Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!

Stewie, what the hell was that?

Greetings, unwashed masses.

Dad... Go on, Meg. What are you waiting for? Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks,

It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning

MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk.

Get this thing out of my sight!

Of course I can. Right after I show you how to make homemade root-beer popsicles. (ALL LAUGHING) You, sir, are good company. Well, I'm glad you guys are having such a great time with that evil thing that tortured me for years! Dad, I thought you were gonna help me with my book report.

I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God. How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie.

Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me. All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass. I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name.

Wait a minute. You mean you're not even gonna call the cops? Oh, my God. I could get away with anything. "And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!

Well, Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party outta your ass, you'll want to stand up. Dad My friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with her friends. Can I go? Oh, no. I won't fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother? Yes. Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart. Thanks, Daddy! Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck.

Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.

see how you guys are doing.

Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! I know you can't understand what I'm going through. All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you.

Ah, don't mention it. No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

All right, this is our target. The Quahog Bridge.

I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)

Mmm, good Kool-Aid.

aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! ugh!

6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway?

Hey! You get just a few more of those.

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.

Now, see, right now, I'm listening for cancer. Do you mean his heartbeat? Maybe. Here, you take a turn. Wow, your heartbeat sounds a little fast. Do you smoke? Actually, I do. Ah! Me, too. Isn't it great? Well, that's bad for you. You shouldn't do it.

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So my advice to the two of you would be... According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival And we just might live the good life yet (HUMMING)

You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!

I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed. I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military. Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at...

Road House. Road House. Road House.

Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal?

I don't understand, Chris. Your blind date should be here by now. She answered the ad. Whoa!

Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

She invited everybody except me? What the hell? We dated for six months!

Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!

Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT.

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine? We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian.

Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped.

Please Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins. Oh, No, I learned my lesson. Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish! What are you talking about?

You've got your G chord right here

(SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

What do you guys want? Joan, um, you mind if we come in? There's, um... There's been an accident. This is, uh, not gonna be easy, but it's something you should see. PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business.

PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in.

If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better Now you're having fun 'Cause we're in the aisles Even the bad guy is singing along They're singing right near me, so it's a great musical.

10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!

Like hell you will. This is our Clam, and we are not gonna let them take it.

(WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here! - What are you doing? - I'm reading. What... What... What... What are you reading?

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING)

COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.

Is that my ass? Lois, where the hell you going? I'm going back home to Quahog, where I belong. If any of you want to come with me, you're welcome to. First of all, you sat in something green and it's on your butt, so no one's gonna follow you. And second, no one's gonna leave a place where there are tons of beakers for a place where there are zero beakers.

I can't believe Grandpa's dead.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy!

All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun. Look, I'll do it myself. How about that? Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me.

It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!

You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.

WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop.

All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealing with here. Oh, crap! You smell that? That's brain smell. Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'm taking him to the hospital.

You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke. I just work with what you give me.

Now, Put me back in my freakin' body, all righT? I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life. To hell with this. I'm going homE. What are you doing? You can't get in that way. I'm sure as hell not going in the back door. Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment.

A buncH of Hot young celebrities. It's perfect! The kids are on their way to L.A. to renegotiate their contract. But. Ha, ha, ha.

Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead. Daddy, don't talk to Peter like that. All you've done his whole life is treat him like crap, and now he's offering to help you. The least you can do is be grateful. Oh, all right. Then it's settled. You're staying with us. I promise you'll love it here, even more than Julia Roberts loves herself.

(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking. Oh, yeah? Why should I? Yeah? Well, get someone else to bail you out, 'cause it ain't gonna be me. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming!

Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No--

My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy?

(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife!

That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks. It works! Look how tiny they are! Ooh!

Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah! Oh, my God, this is awful. There's got to be 200 people here.

Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts?

But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they?

on your poop deck.

A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story.

But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!

You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks. They're the same thing, Peter. You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say.

How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun. You can hit your friend on the head with it. But don't hit him on the head with it. Yeah, thanks. I don't really need any of that stuff. You got any dents you need hammered out? ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose!

- All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,

Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.

I have enormous psychological problems, and I'm going to take them out on you.

but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God!

Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.

Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.

Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella? I'm saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line! We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, Mister. And I sure as shoot don't want your kid hanging around with my kid. And if you think I'm mad now, you got to answer to them Civil War survivors!

Hey, where've I had another date.? You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine.

Loving... Loving family.

Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.

My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."

Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.

(PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!

Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt. Sit right there, honey. Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you. Oh, God. Thoughtful. Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some. Oh, thank you, Brian. That'd be nice. Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask. Could you...

You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right.

Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second? Yeah. What's up, Eric? Everything okay? Yeah. Just come into my office.

He wants to have sex with me so bad. (LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to.

I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week. Thanks, honey. But honestly I dunno how you stand bein' in the house all day. I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch T.V. anymore. All the shows are starting to run togetheR. This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H".

Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal. I kind of get the helmet. But what's with the water wings? Well, you did order the soup. Like something could happen.... Get me out! These water wings didn't help at all.

Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind!

This guy's going for a swim. Grab him! (STRAINING) All right, you're kind of heavy, so, we're going to pee on you. (UNZIPPING) Not happening. All right, all right, we'll just spit on you.

Hi there. Hi. I'm Cindy. The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me. Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian.

Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours.

(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home.

And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Ptew! Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb. What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me!

I was providing for our family. You were lying.

Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera.

Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.

- Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over. All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery.

and then she just walked sadly back into the sea.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam. That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar.

I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him.

You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

(BONES CRACKING)

Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.

And I just laid in dog poop.

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

That truck's coming up on us awful fasT. Holy crap! Do you see what I see? I'm afraid I do! We're being chased by ghosts!

You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.

Well, to be honest, I lied for booze. But, Meg, you're a smart girl. You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong. You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian. Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image.

No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING)

Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja

Who, me? Yes, me.

Really? You don't know why?

Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all.

Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.

"Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?

I went back into the dining room and got the knife.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way.

Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.

Peter, did you Xerox your penis?

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

I just bought a giant room full of gold coins, and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. (DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)

Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock? Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock was here? Well, they're dead. And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk.

So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Jessica Biel and Megan Fox Wearing nothing but their socks Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man. - They just came out of the trees. - You saved my ass back there. You saved mine. - Here's to Snap. - To Snap.

Hello? Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow. Huh? Huh? Oh, please! Peter, your excuses are lamer than F.D.R.'s legs. Too soon?

- You what? - That's right,

Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.

I love you, too, Stewie. You give my life purpose. And maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another. Thank you. Hey. What? Will you read to me?

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this.

Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh! And a well-funded 401k. Ah! We are gonna have sex at some point!

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

Sorry, that was the booze, not you. You gonna eat that? Yes, the day can begin. Good morning, Brian. Now, we can do this one of two ways. I can bust your balls to pieces right now or we can spread it out over the course of the day.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING)

ALL: No. Here, let me just read one. If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"? Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over. But I really missed you guys. I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. So I came home.

There's something I always wanted to ask you. You were with a lot of girls. Did you ever get a sexual disease? Herpes twice. And the clap. aay!

No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again.

Yeah, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder lately.

Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh!

That's his house! undefinedTake that! " got it! Take that, you bum! What the hell are you doing? As that him? Yeah! Oh, crap! Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.

but it is good to have you back. Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book.

I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED! Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years!

Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?

yeah! In your ... face, ...!

(SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) I got glass in my face. Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. (DINGS) I got it. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch. You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television,

Ah! What the heck? NudisT!

(BOTH GROANING) Stop that. Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that? No, don't. Here you go. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it.

There's my little guy. Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.

Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you!

Doug and I are abstinent. But if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count. We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord.

I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh-oh. You want to get some breakfast or something? You want to find religion, all you got to do is look in your heart. Who's always been there for you, offering wisdom and truth?

Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.

and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here.

I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.

Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say. You're saving my life. Well, you saved mine. And, hey, we... We had a lot of good years together, right? Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.

Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home.

Who's Scott? My soul mate, Lois. I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you. What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.

What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me.

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!

Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape.

oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)

and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah Family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,

Hey! You've ruined our picnic! Psychic. Peter, what are you doing? Quiet, Brian. I'm performing a psychic reading. Peter, for the last time, you're not psychic. I most certainly am.

Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... Don't know... And now sports. That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement?

Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING)

Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

$45. And when We caught her, she wet herself. $50. Excuse me. Are you gonna sell anything that's not gross? And now our next item. Direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat. Oh, man! That's perfect! $12,000! $13,000! $25,000! uh,

A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - Yeah! We rock! Our wives stayed with us. Think fast! We did!

Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!

and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.

'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.

dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.

Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian.

Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.

Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient. We're projecting 10 billion within five years.

apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs. Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know?

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic.

Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?

Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth? You're barking up the wrong tree, Meg. I'm an atheist. (ALL GASP) What's that? I don't believe in God.

Shh, shh, shh. That's right. I bet you're hungry. It's okay. (SNIFFS) That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.

We're all ready for the Weenie sound-alike contest. I don't know, Butt. I don't think they can say my catchphrase, because "They no funny." (HORN BLOWING) There it is. And if you think you can say that just like Weenie here, you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead. MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt.

Oh, my God. I thought we were friends. The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook.

If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain.

Lucky there's a family guy

What the fuck happened?

"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!

Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.

Shh. Dad's awake. Don't bother whispering. I don't have a hangover. It's a Christmas miracle! Shouldn't you have your sweater on? That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)

I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

Mom, you don't understand! Luke and I really connect very deeply! He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here. In a way, we're both in prison. Well, Meg, there's a big difference there. He's in prison for a reason. He broke the law! He robbed a convenience store to pay for medication for his mom.

Hey, Matt. Matt.

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house

(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.

Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then.

Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING)

Come on, get in the car! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)

What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!

Well, obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it.

Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know.

" lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing... and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.

Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. (BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers! I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em? Maybe someone in space. (ALL LAUGHING) Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

- Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang!

You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me.

MARY HART: Celebrating birthdays today, IG-88 turns 27, Lando Calrissian is 42, and "I Don't Like You, Either" Guy is 63.

Mom, if you get elected to the School board, can you fix it so I win Homecoming queen? Oh, Honey, of course I can. But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right, Milli? No, it's just as good. Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba-ba-ba-ba- Baby! Ah, What's the use? You're right.

Yeah, but first you usually go over there and pull down that blonde waitress' top. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (SLAP) She screamed, so I had to slap her.

Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.

And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me. And I want to thank you

we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati. - That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was. Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy.

That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement? That son of a bitch went back on his word.

Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

Well, y'know, When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical. But then I thought, hey! I could be like Hillary Clinton. Only, y'know without the penis.

and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC,

One of these days, Alice. One of these days... Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon. Oh.

It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops.

I can't believe your father organized this. Usually he can't even handle simple tasks. Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

(SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV) Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

All right, I am totally flaccid,

like the guy who would have killed Hitler.

undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy.

Awake from your damnable reverie!

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."

Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT? Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?

You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie! Mr. Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are--

Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient? Spugizakom. Ew!

(GASPS) FEMALE VOICE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency? Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed by an Imperial walker and I need roadside assistance. Of course, sir. Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar? Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar. (HOARSELY) It's a trap.

Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING) (GRUNTING) (LOUD CRACK) My back. I can't move.

Why won't this card house stay up? Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought. (SNICKERS) That's gonna be his catchphrase. How did you afford that wood stove? Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove store and said, "Put it on my bill."

ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful.

- Get in there and throw up! - Oh! Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo. Well, Sometimes the business world's funny.

We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done

Two shakes, that's it. Move along. Oh. Why, thank you, tinkle fairy.

Peter, we can't do it. You're too heavy. PETER: Keep going. You're almost there. I found a rock I like.

Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight.

"rocket man "burning out his fuse out here alone" oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.

(PETER GRUNTING)

Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!

Uh, So she hated my tie until I told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber.

Peter, where are you going? Lois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face. But Now that I've been given another chance, I'm gonna do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing. I'm gonna jump off this building.

Men, form up Crippletron!

Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more.

I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.

(SIGHING) Look at him go.

Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.

That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!

on your poop deck. Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams...

Eviscerate Chucky? I won't do it! Look, we're gonna die if we don't. All right. Oh, God! It's like Orson Welles' autopsy. All right, just hold your breath and go. What are you doing? Wiping my feet. I don't want to track any sand inside. Once you get it in there, you can't get it out.

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,

You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?

All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep.

Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

STORMTROOPER: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back. I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you.

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word?

I'm proud of you, son. You are? 'cause I heard what you said about my huge, you know. Oh. Oh, you--You heard that, huh? Well, i--I was just being stupid. Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing.

PETER: God damn it!

The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas! MAN: Infertility! Here we go! Our grand prize winner is Brian Griffin.

Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,

She's being kept alive by medical science.

Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on--

will he even be able to get a job or take care of himself? And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing

Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur. Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony?

Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas. Ugh.

(BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash!

Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.

Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Everybody that works in an office is gonna say to their coworkers, "Hey, type in 'dog, baby, heinie lick.' Check this out." And then the boss is gonna say, "Hey, what are you doing there? "Oh, yeah, that's funny. I saw that in my room." "Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'" I am gonna be so humiliated. Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun.

but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff,

Who? Bazooka Joe? There you gO. Ah, The United Nations. Oh, I wish Chris could see this.

Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it.

Lois, am I glad to see you. I have nothing to say to you, Peter. I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way.

Hey, Connie pulled a power move. And When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. You say, ok. I just can't understand why you dumped your own daughter for Connie Demico. Lois, it's simple transference. See, to Peter, Connie Demico is really Phoebe Diamond, The most popular girl when he was in school.

They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio

Is Chris still doing chores for that disgusting old man? Meg, that's not nice. Old people have a lot to offer society. Just look at Kim Catrall. (MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go.

Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do. This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do.

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois.

Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past?

(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING)

Stop it, Meg. Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out.

on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected.

I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.

Okay, Larry, now, how does a Hispanic maid address her employer if his name is John Sullivan? Is it A, John? Or B, Mr. Sullivan? Uh, I'm gonna go with Mr. Sullivan. (BUZZER SOUNDS) Oh, that was a trick question. Consuela, what would you say? Mr. John. That's correct.

Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS)

- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second,

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you! What a precious little boy.

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing? Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind. And who cares? He's probably off in a barn somewhere working on a contraption - with that weird brother of his. Ew. (BOTH GIGGLING) ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch. You're so pretty. I miss you.

I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious.

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.

Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.

So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now. I shall do no such thing. Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her? Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him.

Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat. I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming.

Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple. Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)

(AUDIENCE MURMURS) ANNOUNCER: Das Ist Gut is filmed before an audience of the mentally feeble. (GUNSHOTS) God, I wish I could get tickets to that show.

PETER: (ON RADIO) Hello? Okay, so I'm going to the Dagobah system... You gotta speak up. I'm going to the Dagobah system! I still can't hear you. I said I'm going... It's a machine! I got you! (PETER MIMICS LASER SHOOTING) You've reached Han Solo. Please leave a message after the blorp.

I was totally humiliated at school today.

- Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.

(ALL SCREAMING)

And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch. Horace, hit it.

Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

- Dad! - Fat-ass!

Yeah. And did you remember to clean up afterwards? Uh, no. I was hoping you would... - Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay. Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it.

Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God. ...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made. Peter, do we have to watch this?

One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development,

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

Here's your beer, honey. I don't remember asking for a warm beer. Well, I didn't want to quit working. You made me. You don't talk to me that way! Alice, what did you see? Enough to know I'm getting a raise.

I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once.

(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing?

MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?

I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Come on, Peter. We're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad. Oh. Right. You didn't forget, did you? No, no, I didn't forget. Let me just go change out of this fishing gear. Hey, Peter, what's up? Come on, come on, we gotta go now! We gotta go now. Come on, Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on. Go, go, go!

Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water.

You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous. Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius. Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice.

Hey. Oh, my God. My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?

I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again.

You're, uh, You're completely...

Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.

Don't move! aah! A little helP?

You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up. You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!

Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go. Well, Bill, that's gotta be Bobcat. Oh-oh, Sorry, that was Bjork.

Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.

We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up,

Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris.

Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

aay! Hey, Dad? Can I talk to you? Not now, son! Oh, uh, Sure. Go right ahead. I don't want to be a Scout, Dad. I just don't have fun there. I guess you're pretty disappointed in me. Well, Yeah!

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.

AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What?

As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.

Our vision come to life. I know.

But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC, a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad,

Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?

(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here. Yes, I am, Lois, but where? Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before.

This is more exciting than that time me and my friends did mushrooms. This is gonna be awesome! You said it.

My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)

I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

One--One day you--you see your reflection in it, and the next day, it's a--it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah! knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was. You know what I haven't had in a while?

Peter, can I talk to you for a second? What is it, Brian? Listen, I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us... and I figure, I don't know, I thought maybe we could be friends again, huh? What do you say? I kind of miss sleeping at the foot of your bed. " don't think so. Come on, can't we just go.... " tried to tell you. This is my spot now, Brian.

(SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight.

Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it.

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg,

Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy. Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love.

Get it? Tooth hurty? (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch! I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real! Okay, Peter, Lois did great. You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again. Big chair.

Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this. Wait a second. It's coming. There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!

All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly.

...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod!

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?

Looks like someone has a guilty conscience. Guilty conscience! Ha! I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable. Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard!

Ah! What happened to your eye? Don't worry about it! Just put the lens in! But where do I put it? The pupil's gone.

Though by many they're abhorred

Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this, Watch this. Hey? Uh? Look, see that? see that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Ok? Ok?

Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing. Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?

Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, the greatest movie of all time. I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that?

Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. Good night. Not now, Abby.

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous! Peter, Have you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise.

lucky there's A family Guy

No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

Please let it be a fart contest.

So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation. Don't you mean, just under the line?

But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later. Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. Stewie, shut up. (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.?

Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.

You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

He's dead. I forgot my purse.

Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?

"You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" And--And yet, you've taken that and--and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God! What a clever, smart girl you must be... to come up with-- With a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, That's so fresh, too.

What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad!

So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog? That's me! I mean, that was me. Yeah, sure. No, I mean it. That was me. Get away from me, you crazy animal! You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help!

Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.

Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours!

Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.

Stewie, what the hell happened?

Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown. No problem, Meg. If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it. Oh, my God. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool. Oh, my God. Totally. I love the color. Really? What color is it? It's like blue, kind of blue-green.

Stewie, what are you doing? Just getting my bronze on, baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose?

A rally? Sweet.

lucky there's A family Guy

CLEVE: He's nasty.

Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

(LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title. Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight. What are you talking about? Look at me. I got a broken nose.

I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. What? It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece.

Franz, grab my hand!

PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell? I found it! I found the last scroll!

Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS)

You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means.

Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here! Well, I can't stand this cold anymore. I'm gonna die. Oh! Well, it's probably for the best. There are way too many elderly comedians out here in the snow.

Brian, you might want to look outside. Oh, my God! (CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri.

Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!

(SCREAMS) Dad, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting like such a bully? 'Cause there are two kinds of people in this world, Chris. There are bullies and there are nerds. And there are hot Asian chicks. They'll do what you want. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe it, buddy.

Why don't you spend some time with your family? I will, during the commercials. And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest?

I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m.

Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole? Yeah. Well, now there's no trench.

This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.

He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.

The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now?

(SNAPS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!

I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have?

And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person,

You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us.

Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

Horsey, you saved my life.

(MUMBLING) Uh... I'm sorry? (MUMBLING) Uh... Yes? (MUMBLING) Hey, is there a bathroom around here? Yes, yes. Follow me.

and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years.

Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look! WeLl, Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell? Actually, we are tired. And hungry. Well, We got plenty of room here, and all the fresh apples you can eat.

That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie.

What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on!

Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen.

Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town. If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair... ...l'll never ask you for shopping money again. Please? We promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly. But I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.

- Hi, there. - How are you doing?

Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding.

I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.

We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord?

And it won't be long Before you and me run To the place in our hearts Where we hide And I guess that's why They call it the blues

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...

I am vanquished.

Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon.

I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence?

You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.

You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life.

Roadhouse. That, too. Any word on Carter's condition yet? No, it's been three days, and I'm really starting to get worried. What if he's in a coma for, like, 20 years and he comes out of the coma and you guys are all dead, but I'm still alive and I'm a famous racecar driver,

I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative. My husband died of cancer last year. Oh, my God! Awesome. Okay, I'm sensing some other bad stuff. My daughter was just in an accident. Sweet! High-five! (GASPS) You're awful. Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

I mean, why's it got to be you?

Everyone, I truly want to thank you for your support and remind you that as far as casseroles go, we're good on pasta, but we could use some more dessert items. (SOBBING) Oh, I miss my baby so much, and I'm more of a chocolate person than a fruit person.

but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker, thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40.

Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up.

He's everything that every guy should be Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy He's mine alone

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know.

Listen, I need to ask you to do something, and it's something huge. I mean, it's, like, the biggest thing a guy could ever ask his friend to do. Hey, we're best pals, right? Whatever you need. All right, and you have to understand, I would never ask you to do this if I had any other choice and if what were at stake was anything less than my entire way of life.

Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia. She's doing fun things for me, for money.

Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!

Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh! Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports illustrated.

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.

Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares? It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.

'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio.

No! No! You'll never take me alive!

Come on. Come on. Go away!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.

grab a bite to eat and watch the big curling match on TV?

Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.

You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton.

I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.

They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC

One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident.

(PANTING) (CLATTERING)

Oh, my God. You want me to carry your child?

Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me. I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla.

OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois. I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Yeah! Peter, would you get in the damn bed? I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever.

then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her.

I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching. This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa.

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing.

It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that!

(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends?

Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon.

So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that... No, that's more or less been retired. I see, I see.

This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"! I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up!

PETER: He did, too! I saw the picture!

Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass

That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING)

This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same. You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat.

Thanks for the lift home, Jerome.

Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.

Oh, come on, man. That's not fair.

So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk.

Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy? We're just a couple of guys messing around. Quiet, everybody, my commercial's on. Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.

Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once. I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know?

Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman. Because I'm... I'm going to die old and alone. Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking. Listen, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you take Quagmire's class on picking up chicks? Quagmire teaches a class? How come I've never heard about this? 'Cause Quagmire forbids us to tell you about his life. As you may recall, he hates you.

Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.

Let's talk turkey. We want to play the Feud. Well, you're in luck. The other family we've chosen has three daughters, so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."

And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye

A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse? Oh, my God. Oh, no!

He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

Too many cops, too many cameras, too much security. I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!

The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus. My God! How could we have been so blind? He's absolutely right.

The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal" where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter."

A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day. ANd a--And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o! Hey, i'm, Hi, I'm Brian. What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?

This must be how Maverick felt when he met Goose. I feel the need. The need for speed! The need for speed! And Scientology. No, just speed.

Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own.

That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world.

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok?

They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie. Man, I wonder what he's doing now. (GASPING) Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra. Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back,

They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub? Oh, well, At least they still got sports on T.V. The new bowler For sommerset is our spinner Heath Who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on 2 short legs. What the hell is he talking about?

You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!

I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying, like people who never shut up about their kids. He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water? (SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

Well, that's just not practical. Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year! That sounds terrific. How about you, kids?

Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?

It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want. And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America. You will not convince me. America must pay for its sins.

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT! That's it! Lois, Your singing days are over.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch, where the elite without feet meet to eat. Lois, this is insanity. I think we should shut down the restaurant. But why? We're doing so well. Lois, let me explain something to you, all right? Cripples are not cool. Hang on. I'm gonna get the picture. Oh, Peter, don't...

Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word Peter, I kind of want to do this on my own.

I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!

We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here. (SCREAMING) Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation. If you freeze up his money, he's not gonna have anything to live on.

Today on Hitler, we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk Christian Slater. Now, they tell me in your next movie, we get to see your butt. YEs, uh, Yes, you do. Can--Can we see it right now? Um, welL, uh... HA, All right, HITLER. Oh, oh! He's going to do it!

What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder? What the hell?

I only like you as a friend.

Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man. I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody - if you had the money tomorrow. - Yeah, all right. - I'II see what I can do. - Sweet, sweet. Great. - How's everything else going? - Good.

Peter, you don't want to get involved with the Mob. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen. Butt out, schlomo.

I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the united European Commonwealth? Why, yes. I dare say, that's the fellow. Oh, Let's get him. Oh, Reginald! I disagree!

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not. - Oh, you're so lying. - I so am. Oh, honey, how was your day? Did you catch any fish?

Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe this is happening to me. Looks like someone could use a greeting card to cheer them up. I put these on my tab. Here, take a Far Side one. The vulture thinks he's a cowboy.

Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem.

(SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!

Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

Ah, don't mention it. No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.

What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood. Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch and our first group date. ls everyone ready for a little cowboy action? undefinedYeah! " love horses.

It's important to make sure everyone is happy, so I took a lot of polls. Gay stuff. Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.N. interpreter. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something. He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing?

Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh!

Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present.

Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop!

No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!

(ALL CLUCKING) Let me out of here! I can't watch another second!

Um, ph-Phoebe? Yeah? Uh, I was wondering if you'd, uh, d-do me the honor of, uh... I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.

I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

What, You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair,

What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think. These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver. To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster,

It wasn't that great.

This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie?

You okay, fat ass?

Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum. And this is for laughing and looking at the camera... during every sketch you've ever been in. Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you?

(TIRES SCREECHING) You know, Peter, it's sort of adding insult to injury raiding Quagmire's fridge for beer after you killed his cat. "Or is it?" is my response.

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Hold it right there! You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)

Brian, I know my brother. He couldn't have done these things. Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this. Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler.

- Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them!

Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

We gather today to remember those brave quahog men who were lost at sea. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much.

Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa,

Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society!

Slap me across the face like a bitch.

Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance. They're probably just shy or scared. Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom. I finally got up the guts, but i--I had this damn nervous twitch.

Oh, horror You have betrayed me Al Cowling said it would be so Kato! I didn't see a thing

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD!

Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes. - Bye, Mom. - Bye!

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to the post-Roe vs. Wade Brady Bunch. Greg! Marcia! Get down here! (BOTH BARKING) Oh, you two are such a handful! (MUSIC PLAYING)

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right.

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work... I have spoken!

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Uh, Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room. You're Mel Gibson? Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!

Oh, my God. Brian was right. Meg really must be obsessed with him. Peter, we gotta find them. Don't worry, Lois, we're the police and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl-Chris. I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. I can't believe you went to all this trouble.

It'd be so great if we were at least living together. Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. Either he commits to you, or you're gone. What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together!

"Where's my penis, pilgrims?"

(CROWING) (CROWS)

It came from over there! (ALL GASPING) Dear God! He's dead. Do you think he slipped off the roof? Maybe. But he was dead before the fall.

A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.

James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

Dinner was 3 hours ago!

Money. I'll be upstairS. Peter, why are you so-- Get out! This is a part just for the men! I say, there's a plane. Yeah. And If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot. And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar! I can finally get a drink! I don't trust you.

Now I can let loose my Darth farts. (FARTS) (AIR HISSING) (FARTS) (AIR HISSING)

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at?

Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.

If I couldn't catch a 2-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race? Hey, hey! What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did--Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No!

Stewie, what the hell are you doing?

Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors. I thiNk She wants you to meet them. She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.

PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on. DREYFUSS: Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.

(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!

You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING) ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in...

(GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Tired of not being able to find clothes that fit? I know I was. That's why I started Stewie's Big and Tall Man Shop. If you're portly or tall you'll find a friendly atmosphere brimming with personalized and expert service. Hey, Stewie. How's the weather up there? Very fair. Like our prices.

I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal.

Oh, my God, you did a porno? (SHUSHING) Please, please, please do not say a word to anybody. I have never told anyone that, not even my husband. I promise, I'll take it to the grave.

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values

My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture... you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.

God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right.

Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.

Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.

Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.

Well, One of us is gonna have to change.

You think I'd miss this party?

Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Oh, That feels good. Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar? Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah! Gotcha!

Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago?

I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

(LOIS) We're on top of the monument. Holy crap!

That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.

Meet George Jetson His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife

Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car! You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research,

Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.

Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!

Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.

(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I... I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph.

How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING) (EXHALES) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS)

Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage.

but our society hasn't figured that out! Did you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs? What? Oh, no! Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy.

I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read. Hey, Lois, what's this word? "Evel." And this one? "Kneivel." - And this one? - "Was." And this one? "Born." And this one? "In." And this one? "Montana." Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana?

Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.

Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it!

But I suppose sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is right. And if that's what you thought was right, I guess I can accept it. I'm glad you're home, son. Me, too, Dad. You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too.

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No! Did he at least die with dignity? Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor,

Sweetie? You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it? Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos. Y'know, If you stay home, then you're just proving to the other kids that you don't belong there.

(GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell?

A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.

Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!

No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Oh, my God, that was such a rush.

Look Meg. I'm that pretty, dark-haired figure skater with the horse teeth. You know, the one who got what she had comin'. Nice figure 8, Mom. Ha! All right.

Oh, God. I know karate! Look! A tasty little baby!

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)

Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.

Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin.

Oh, and, uh, you're so pretty.

(SOBBING) Oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you.

- The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.

Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own.

Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.

All right, here it is. (Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter. (Lois) Hang on. (PETER) Shazzam! (LOIS) Oh, Good for you. My God. How could they do this to me?

Boy, I sure am happy to be back. Yeah, Peter, we thought we'd lost you for good. And luckily, I don't know many words, so I was able to relearn them all in a day. Don't ever leave us again, Dad. Sorry, Chris, but this weekend, Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club. He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me.

Boy, clothes sure are a prison, aren't they? Lot of drum roll for nothing. What's this? Ooh, candy!

So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing?

She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

Okay, what the fuck?

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit.

I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud.

Hello, I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin. You're in him. Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service? Yes. I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinnER. I demand to speak to your supervisor. Hold, please. oh, Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth.

Oh, That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance. Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. So, Bill. We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too!

And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married. So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful? Who wants to be pure? Who wants to be abstinent?

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.

Um, Movin' on. So, uh, I finally tried Viagra and-- Oh, We got a joker in the audience there. You, uh, You got something you want to say, there, Mr. Heckler? Dying hurts. Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flyin'?

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys.

Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay! You can watch all the T.V. you want just as soon as we get back from the mall.

I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the "I" with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.

You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

I have been a very bad mother to you. I have no excuse. I just have this horrible, overwhelming desire to point out faults in you. I don't know where it comes from. Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a bad parent. I'm just, I'm so disgusted with my behavior.

You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING) What are you doing here, Brian? Still trying to smear my boss?

(HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel? My house burned down. Oh. Why are you naked? Naked? But everybody's been telling me I'm wearing magnificent robes made from the finest silk.

Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?

(GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right?

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!

Now, I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but don't you think you're a little small? Listen, I tell you what. You can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal. Oh, no! They're after me Kevin Connolly charms!

I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious? All right, Chrissy. Here we go. (GIRL 1 GASPS) BOY 1: Look! BOY 2: Oh, my God! BOY 3: Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico? BOY 4: I think it is! GIRL 2: Wow! That makes him popular. JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin! JOCK 2: Griff-a!

Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think?

I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace.

God, I hate PBS.

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!

Where're we going? Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. We're going to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.

Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!

RED: The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him. He was a fat drink of water, the kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen. Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight.

And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.

Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.

Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.

(SIGHING) No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win?

Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs! Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.

Hey, Lois, remember our wedding? Yeah, I sure do. Remember the dance? Of course I do, Peter. Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin? I think her name was Flora. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm ready! I'm ready! What? Shut up for 10 minutes and pretend we're in the back behind the speakers.

Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

I love my job. Yum, yum, yum...

Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was. - Oh, you know what it was? - What? You know what it was?

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today.

I'm here, Dad. What is it? Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery.

Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.

This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life.

Honey, good news!

It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world I say, fat man. Get me out of here.

Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh! But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this.

Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

The midway and the fun

From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer, comes a funky flick so bad you gonna say, "Damn, that's funky."

You dumb bitch!

Omar is our top student, and we're hoping he'll lead us to victory next week in the district spelling bee. What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something? Picking on the new kid, huh? Well, at least my parents didn't name me Gaymar! (LAUGHING) Wow, I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual.

My tulips! You dick.

Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one!

Very good, Jimmy.

(ALL CHEERING) Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense, now that he lives on Boner Street.

Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.

(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.

Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

Aren't you proud of your dad, Kids? Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole,

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.

Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday. There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now.

Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen!

What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!

Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says.

Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy! That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A-- (AnnOunceR) Chris Tucker and Jim ca-cazeve-cave... Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one?

Well, we could still be a band and choose a different name. Oh, no, Robes of Teal was the whole thing.

What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.

This is the best idea I've had since I invented that soda. Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You.

(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Peter, what the hell is all this? Well, I'm a bachelor, so I invited a bunch of people over, and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do.

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois, I'm a worker, I make stuff on things. Oh, I'll file these later. Oh, I got a phone. Nope, that's it.

(ALL SHOUTING) (ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger.

All right. Make like Siamese twins and split, and then one of you die. When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice. Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"!

Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

We're gonna be a Nielsen family? That's awesome. (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS) I think, uh... I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go.

They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it.

You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous.

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of town hall with a high-powered rifle! The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns some real-world experience. Hey, That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper!

So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser.

Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay? Guilty

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Give me a call.

Yeah, we missed you. Well, thanks for putting up with me, you guys. Sorry, I got so flipped out about my age. Aw, don't worry about it, Lois. But from now on, remember, I love you just the way you are. And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35. Peter, I'm 43. Get out of this house.

Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little? (LAUGHING) Yeah. And what does a chicken say? "Moo." (LAUGHS) Why not? Come on, Ma. Hey, what gives with the suitcase? Tom, there's no easy way to say this. I'll just come right out with it. I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Why?

This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS)

Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!

What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed That with the sun's love In the spring

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.

Oh. Well, give it back, then.

Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.

You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped.

I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend. You know, a lot of dogs just sit outside, tied to poles. Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay? So he's Muslim. Every culture has its quirks. Italian guys talk with their hands a lot, Irish guys drink a lot, black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story.

Good-bye, kids.

Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies!

West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four.

Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka It doesn't keep me up at night, but it helps me poo. (SOBBING) Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks.

Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to you!

Well, we're real proud of you, Lois. And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud! What? I'm fun.

and I will not have that kind of talk here. Whatever. (TV CHATTERING) Griffin! Did you call the distributor about the... What? What's the problem? Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's...

So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.

What exactly are you looking for? According to my schematics, it should be right in here. Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that.

Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!

The world's gonna end! Y2K! I heard it from a chicken-man.

I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news.

It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins.

There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit?

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea. (RUMBLING) Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work. - See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube.

(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?

She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?

You're gonna have to come with us, ma'am. What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

And maybe a big, old dumb-guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?" Look who's got pimples. And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy!

Okay. f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy.

Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.

Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear I'll love you for all time I'm just a fool

Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us?

Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey.

And meanwhile, you're spending half our money down at the General Store, and the other half at the Specific Store. Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds? Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.

What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to!

PETER: Of course, back then,

Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.

Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly. Channel Five News has file footage of pills being sorted. Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common.

Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.

I was born in 1987.

There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step as they dig your grave as they dig your grave Do I hear singing?

Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

PETER: No, you're going to yell at me! You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names. You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation. Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois. Would that make you happy if I was never born? What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.

That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin.

(RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations. Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping?

You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek. And initial here...

Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

We're finished. We're never gonna get home. We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again. You got your pal Stewie. Great.

Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart!

I can't feel a thing. Hey, what are those guys doing? Those are the McMurphy brothers. They've been circling that same spot for 50 years, just daring each other to throw the first punch. Just you try it. Oh, I'll try it. Just you try it. You'll feel it when I try it. - I'd like to see you have at it. - Would you now?

I look so good! I lost all this weight. Taxi! Coming to show the people how good I look!

Sir, we've got a man down. Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something. Shoot me.

I sent her a little something for the baby. I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest. You're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter. No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law.

Do you know he spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture of Harriet Tubman doing Gwyneth Paltrow? Yeah. Yeah, that is happening for real. Yeah. Yeah. I'll enjoy that more tomorrow.

(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off!

Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her. Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance.

Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house?

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E 'Cause that spells booze

(TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Peter, take a look at your daughter. Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. It was 20 years ago. I'd never even heard the word "rubber".... Peter, this is Meg. Oh. I got a makeover, Dad. Don't I look great?

Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Detarded. You're under arrest. No, you're under arrest. (BOTH GIGGLING)

PETER: No! You said I could have two friends over. And I didn't. Joe couldn't come. So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend. You come out here right now! PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games!

that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here!

There is one thing, though, and I'm sorry about this, but your room's not ready till 4:00. So feel free to use our business center, or enjoy the pool. (KIDS LAUGHING) Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it!

(GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first, did you actually sit in the water or was that...

NEIL: We came in peace for all the peoples of the Earth. MAN: We read you, Neil. NEIL: We chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. MAN: Had a lot of help down here, Neil. NEIL: We have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God. MAN: Yeah, if you could just grab some rocks, Neil, throw them in a bag, we'll get you home safe and sound.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

I said, no one knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do.

Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall. The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover.

(STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SOBBING) We broke up.

whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny! (SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go.

Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn. Isn't that cool? No. I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like. My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty. Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76. Let's burn this chick at the stake.

Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there. You're disgusting. And you're misleading.

Somebody burned down Jerome's house last night. This whacked-out world! It just makes you want to grab your nephew and get in a van and shoot people in the DC area. Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him! And no one would blame you.

I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. Ah, So much rug burn! Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon.

Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is.

(GASPING) What?

(GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.

No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts!

Meg, what's wrong?

Now I was just texting with New York. We're doing a whole thing there. I booked your plane ticket, and I specifically asked that you not sit next to an Asian. Stewie, that's racist. That's terrible. I'm sorry, do you want me to call back and change it? Well, it's done now. Seems like a lot of extra work.

You just stay away from me, you psychopath.

(GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie. You're acting crazy out there, man.

Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

God, I hate dogs. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yeah. They're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards. I'm just not really a dog person, I guess.

WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning.

No, she charges me. She charges you? Well, that's weird. Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear? I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian. Well, I just think you're being sold a bill of goods. Brian, I don't care what you think. And for your information, there are gonna be some changes around here.

Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me?

The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes!

Are you gonna take that? Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.

QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles. Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.

So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in. Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it.

Doubt that! I mean, I've got a very comfortable life. I live with a great family. All my needs are met. Ok, look.

Peter, dinner! No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie.

Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade. Are you as excited as I am, Tom? Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood and clipped onto this piece of wood is a list of this year's float entries. Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam.

This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... blows! Uh...

(FARTS) (ALL GASPING) Well, there goes my music career. I wonder if I can get my old job back painting kids' faces at birthday parties. There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat.

This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.

(UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har. Wh--

Release the dogs. (DOGS BARKING)

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.

(SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned!

Brian, going back in time ruined my life. We've got to get Death to send us back to 1984 again, so I can undo what I did. Or we could just make the best of this. Al Gore is President. We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.

HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

we'll give you another crack at that. This guy single-handedly set political discourse back a hundred years. Hasn't the right wing done enough damage to our nation with the war, and torture, and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties? I mean, you know, back me up... Oh, and the economy, right? Back me up on this, you know? (YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint.

(GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends. That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole.

we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one.

Looks like little Johnny should've wished for some blocking.

My principal wants to meet with you guys. Should we go? It sounds like a trap. Yes, Peter, we should go. All right, but if it's a trap, and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time. Any more bright ideas, Professor? (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Boy, this is fun, eh? Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman who came with her co-workers. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot!

Did... Did you write this? Well, I can't take all the credit. I've been listening to you talk in your sleep for years. So, I just put your thoughts on paper. That's all. Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thanks, evil... Thanks, Monkey. I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in.

Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America. We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburned, freckled fat guy. A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations.

Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad.

Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning?

Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, there you are. Hurry up now, Bonnie. We're gonna miss our plane. Lois, I've thought a lot about this, and I'm not going with you. What? What do you mean? I'm staying here with Francois. I see. You know, I thought you might say something like this, and that's why I called someone who might be able to change your mind.

Over my burnt carcass. (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, shut up-a with the noise-a. Hey, shut up-a with the shut up-a. You shut up-a with the shut up-a. Shut up-a your face. Now-a my dog-a won't shut up-a. Why you no shut up-a? I'll make-a you shut up-a. You, too, shut up-a.

Coffee for Brent. (CHUCKLING) Latte for Cecil. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers. Well, game night was a success. Peter, you do know that all your questions were incredibly easy. Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons.

And then think about this, have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? undefinedThey're the same person. " know, right? You're brilliant.

"Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials. (TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.

when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related. Anyway, I thought him sharing that beer with me was the coolest thing ever.

Hello? No. We can put you at the scene where she was killed. Hobey's right, Peter. It doesn't look good for you.

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass.

No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good. (FARTING)

Um, i--I guess "problem drinker." But that's-- Thank you. Now, "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something"? Well, "Sexual deviant," but that other one's not even-- Thank you. Now, Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there's only one guy to blame Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Mr. Booze Mr. Booze

You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?

What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm... God! Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Ice now, heat later. I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire?

so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!

I can't believe this. She keeps getting up. I'm so exhausted. (CROWD GASPING) (BELL DINGS) And the winner, by technical knockout, weighing in at 67 pounds, Carol "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" Channing. Yeah. Up yours, young people.

Am I any worse than Mary Magdalene? And more importantly, are you all better than Jesus? I'm better than Jesus. Okay, yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus. But the rest of you... The rest of you need to accept the fact that I made a simple mistake. And here it is.

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

It's just some trash blowing in the wind!

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction. But, Dad... Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final.

There, now that I've got your attention, you're all fired.

Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time.

Ugh! Oof! Ahh! Ahh!

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy. Jeez! You should know that, Joe! You should definitely know that! Sorry, Peter. Sorry doesn't show me nipples worth seeing! And as for you, Anna, you're dreadful and so is the program. I didn't write it. Yeah, but you know the people who do. That Alan Ball, you know him, right?

Who else isn't real, hmm? You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist?

Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here.

Aw, they got tuckered out.

'Cause if you use toad then I'm telling you you can kiss your life good-bye Yeah, when you use toad it'll mess you up

Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!

Leave this lot, losers. Unless you want a licking. And we'd love to deliver that licking, right, fellows? Yeah. - Love it. - A lot. I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer.

- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING)

Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring. But we still always use a rock-phylactic.

You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.

I'm never, like, really present. You gotta help me work on that. Oh, definitely. Definitely, man. Live with purpose, you know? Celebrate every day. He talks about all those things that dogs do. Like, we do that. Dogs do that. It's instinctual. In us, you know? It's like, I can't not do it. That's kind of what his whole thing is.

(FARTING) Who's there?

I mean, Chris is doing better in school. And Meg even went on a date with the announcer from the Super Friends. Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra.

(SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life?

WhAt? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh, uh, I mean, What?

...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless.

(PETER SCREAMING)

Now, here's something, here's something. Did you hear about this?

Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense. Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair. Look, Lois, it's in the Bible. What's in the Bible? I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage!

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go

I'm just putting up my new sign.

You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?

Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man. Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings?

Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain

Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!

Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida.

I paid $380 for this flight. $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first. This is my 4th trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky.

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead.

You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough.

So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES)

who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.

No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots!

I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up. So, you can just rot out here, Brian. Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole? James Woods did it. Hey, where'd you get the clothes? I always keep a spare at Quagmire's. I got to tell you, though, there was some weird stuff going on over there today.

So far, you've failed everything, including the "Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test. No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.

But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please.

Say, Brian, on her answering machine, how long after her message is the beep? Wow. This has just been a delight. You can't go yet. We haven't had dessert. Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago?

Then Brian comes in

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket.

Oh, Brian, there you are. Can I talk to you about something? Yeah, what is it? That coffee mug you have on your desk that says, "Life's a beach"... that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch...

(SIGHS) Daddy's home.

State law? God, this place officially sucks worse than the WNBA. And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive?

- Hello. - That's not funny!

let's ceLebrate

(LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls. Just like... Just like Sharon Stone. You beat me to it.

Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch.

Coming up, children are getting sexier, and that's... That's pretty cool.

Mom, am I going to fit in the seat or is this going to be like last time? This should tide you over for a while. I'll come back as soon as I can. Mmm. She's not coming back, you know. How do you know that? 'Cause she's my mom, too.

No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

I'm not even any good. Right? I mean, I'm okay. You know, I'm not the worst in the class. I've even been singled out a few times. Probably because it's mostly pregnant women in the group. Still, Brody must see something, although I certainly don't. But then again I'm not the instructor, am I?

Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck! All right. Our goal here is to gain a command of the English language.

Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either.

Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow.

The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns some real-world experience. Hey, That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper! I'm so jealous! Better put in for some new interns. Good luck!

Well, come on, everyone, let's get started. (STEWIE SHIVERING) Brian, I'm not sure I can do this. It's chillier out here than Angelina Jolie. Something like that. I don't know, I'm so cold.

What kind of jerk would drive one of those? Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby!

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy.

Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you.

Look, Mort was in trouble. We were just trying to help him out. Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe. You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company.

If it was me, I would have done something about it. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right.

I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment.

Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square! Oh, Hi, Chris. Hey. Um, Listen, Sam. I like hanging out with you and all. It's just that I don't want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could still be friends. I'd like that, too.

But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone! No wonder Santa lost his mind. This is ridiculous! We can't do this! Nobody can. It's inhuman! All right, come on, let's get out of here! Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer!

Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better.

Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?

(EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that?

NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!

Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. - MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it. - MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction. - Seen it. - MAN 3: Donovan's Reef. - Seen it.

You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now.

She is so jealous. Of course, I'm beautiful. I mean, look at me. Aah. How strange... Should watch road but can't look away.

I was kind of right.

Well, then we just got to figure out a way to make you fancier than Barrington, so he's got to suck up to you. I don't know, Peter. That'd be pretty tough to pull off. We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds. What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction.

MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy?

That son of a bitch! Thinks he can sleep with my wife. Not on my watch! ALEX KEATON ON TV: Listen, I don't care that you're dating Mallory. Nobody in this family likes you, Nick. You just stand your ground, garbage-sculpture man. They'll come to respect you. You bastard!

It seems today that all you see

I just spent most of the time testing Chris to see if he's autistic. (WAILING) Not overly affectionate.

text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba!

(ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween.

Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland! Y-You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened!

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Now we can live with you again even though you're a dangerous retard. Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged.

It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time.

Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.

Let's take a blood sample, Mr. Braga. If instead of human blood, you find a deadly corrosive acid, you've got a gay. Not this time, nancy-boy.

Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable. Yep.

"El guilto." "Guilty." "Guilty." This one's just a squiggly line. That's "guilty" in Latin. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl. "Guilty." "Not guilty." (ARGUING)

(ALL SCREAM) What the hell?

What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING)

Yes, I'll just have flat water. Do you have HI-C Tropical Punch? And it begins! What? I can't have a drink with dinner? Oh, so dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it? Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows. (SHARPLY) You swore you would never... I have a prominent brow, and I do what I can to get by.

Dad, I need you to... Dad, what are you doing? Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look. I am so freaking good at coloring. I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself. Dad?

So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks. Oh, my God! They're eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. That's crazy. They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.

If we praise Jesus by singing all together It makes this whole exercise seem less bizarre

That tastes better than a guy's penis, I tell you. (LAUGHS) Now I know that was a joke! (CHUCKLING) Whatever. Mom, can I be excused? I want to go eat the rest of my food up in my room. Sure, Meg, if you want.

Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt Light a fire and pee it out Don't like it, kiss my rump Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP

I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that.

Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca.

I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else.

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.

Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays.

I have a room. You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now... you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, you know, that's something to think about. Just burped.

It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...

Everyone, I think it's important that we talk openly about this. Now, kids, you all know that your mommy once gave special on-camera penis kisses for money. Am I... Am I old enough for this conversation? It was back in a disgusting period known as the early '80s. It was a time when women would stand topless,

Lois makes me take the rap 'cause our checkbook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew

Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. Yeah.

Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and... Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo! oh, Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?