comb.io - Clips

Stand up, all fat men Stand up straight Stand up because no chair Can hold your weight If God created us

Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog!

Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck.

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news.

Computer on. 30 minutes before ship re-expansion. Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS. Engine status? Nominal. Fuel supply? Full. Air Supply? Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums,

I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you.

(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter!

Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous. Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go. What is this? It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.

(BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

Now, few people realize that until 1928, there were no hoses, and you actually had to fight fires with your bare hands. I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?

Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

(LAUGHS) I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time. You suck donkey ass. Now you can't prove that. That was so humiliating!

What? I would never work with David Spade!

(CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports. Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid. Yeah, this isn't working out. All right, sorry, we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home.

So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend? I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all. Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass.

Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead.

All right, come on, guys. She's gonna be here any minute. You gotta get out of here. Why do we have to leave, Dad? 'Cause your Daddy's gonna have a three-way with your mother and her friend. Isn't that nice about Daddy's three-way? I had a one-way one time. That was amazing. Sorry I farted in the middle. All right, go on, beat it, all of you.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead!

Peter, this game night was a great idea.

And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop.

f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

All right, all right. Okay. All right. (SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo.

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane? I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him. He's probably hurt, or lost, or--or--or shanghaied by pirates!

That ought to show you!

Sorry, that was the booze, not you.

I'm going insane I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day Until he seen his

Hey, wait a minute. If this is an imposter, then this guy we're following never had cancer. Yeah, so? Well, you're a dog. Can't you just sniff cancer? No, that's just a myth we started so we could stick our snouts in girls' boobs. (SIGHS) It's nice to have a clean bill of health. Well, for now. The key is weekly follow-ups. You know, cervical cancer is also a problem.

Nothing. Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife. You'll never know if you don't know now Wonderful! Wow! It was absolutely amazing.

(BLEATING) Lois, I need $28,000. For what? I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door.

Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects... What?

I sithed my pants.

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh!

Uh-huh. Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store. Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod!

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

Look at those morons and their stupid glasses. Oh, man. I hate those guys. More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of MaSH. When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh? Am I right? Who's with me? Huh?

Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit. Yes, I'll have the filet mignon, and they can start the sunset now.

So, you guys are my best friends, and this is where we hang out? That's right. I'm Quagmire, and this is Joe. So, what do we do here? Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do. Giggity Giggity. Yeah, but first you usually go over there and pull down that blonde waitress' top.

I say, if it feels good, do it. Stewie, you don't do that yet. Hey, you don't know what I do. Wait a minute, Brian, that's a great idea. Chris needs a hobby. Hey, Chris, get in here. Yeah, Dad? We are gonna find you a hobby. - What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck.

Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers. Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

Wow! An Indian casino!

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe. We're exactly alike, you and I. Now we can be together.

Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up.

and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us.

We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane,

Okay, first of all, can... (ECHOING) What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING)

"Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock, "and then cram it to the bottom of the hamper "like it's been there a long time." The word of the Lord. Praise be to God. Praise be to God.

(EXCLAIMS) (GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

Those were ripples in time, Brian, emanating from some point in the past. And there's only one explanation. Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors. He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history,

Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! Shut up! Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter!

Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

ANNOUNCER: This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie. You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING)

I have, uh, terrible foot odor.

Oh, he's really upset. I haven't seen him like this since he saw that Rocky Dennis movie. Take off the mask! That's your problem! Right? That's it, Brian. He's not here.

Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word.

f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?

Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot!

All right, so I got my handgun and I'm just randomly firing it into a crowd of people, and then... And then what? And... Nothing. Nothing. No, no, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story. It's stupid. Stupid story. I'm calling the police. That won't be necessary. I already did.

Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'm taking him to the hospital. No, no. I got one last plan, Meg.

Thanks for understanding that we can't do anything. I just want to cuddle. Oh, you're so sweet. I'm just doing what a man should do. Respecting the sacred institution of marriage. And now, straight to sleep. MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens. Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose? Why not, Dad? It's just water.

- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream.

I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in. (CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing?

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked. Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie?

Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no!

Wow! You're cooler than a York Peppermint Pattie. When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being on a frozen mountaintop! It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie,

Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

Yeah, I thought something was "a-mish."

(TIRES SCREECHING) You know, Peter, it's sort of adding insult to injury raiding Quagmire's fridge for beer after you killed his cat.

So, somehow the lightning gave your dad the power to turn anyone I touch into Robin Williams. Good. I can ask him how he got his RV stuck on the tip of a mountain. Peter, did Dr. Hartman say how long this was gonna last? There is no more Dr. Hartman, Lois. He's Robin Williams now.

Prom night dumpster baby

(PIANO PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC) Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

We found the portal to the other side.

Man, it's cold in here. Beep-boop-beep. I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right?

so he's got to suck up to you. I don't know, Peter. That'd be pretty tough to pull off. We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds. What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you?

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)

Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends. Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too.

Dad, I don't smoke.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories.

Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute? Sure. And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?

On an airplane?

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again.

Ah-- There you go. Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh!

That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot.

Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY PLAYING)

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)

My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? Oh, Lord! Dynomite!

Come on! Into the storm cellar! MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking. CHRIS: Wait, I think I found the lights.

Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker. I'm coming.

Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma?

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up.

It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

" wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Wait a minute. Where's Meg? I don't know. I didn't see her. Yeah, I kind of thought you guys would attend to that. Peter, you got to go back and get her. Oh, yeah, right. - Like I'm going back for Meg. - Peter! Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg. - I know, but... - You bastard! How could you leave me in there? She's... Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer. Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.

Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

(IN SILLY ACCENT) He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand? I am Colonel Tushfinger, and I live on the moon. So I talk like this with a moon accent. Do that! You know, Bonnie also acts. Oh, here we go. So they want me to drop the story completely because they don't want to embarrass Rush Limbaugh.

Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on BlindDate. I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here...

I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me... not because you have to. Thank you, Neil. Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway...

Damn it! That was Fox News.

How long was I in there? About five minutes. Why are we not funding this?

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? Yes, yes. Follow me. Um, where are the toilets? Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.

Oh, are those tacos? You better believe they're tacos. I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla. Aah! I love tacos on a corn tortilla!

Hey, Tyler, you on your way to Algebra? Yeah, I'll see you there. (SOBBING) (THUDDING) You're awful! ANNOUNCER: The preceding joke was brought to you by men. (COMMERCIAL JINGLE PLAYING)

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again. I don't want to impose. No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday. What do you say, neighbor? Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

Peter, what the hell? Lois, last night my father came to me and reminded me that I'm a good Catholic. If I don't rid the house of this Jewish curse, this family is gonna go to hell, and I won't let that happen. Peter, you were the only one who was even taking this thing seriously. Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it.

I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!

And go have sex with Quagmire. Quagmire! Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight?

Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight? Your what?

- Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No.

Come on! Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that.

You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

(KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

NARRATOR: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled.

When you get them together, hoo-hoo! hold onto your sides. Nice to meet you both. Murderer! Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way.

Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you! Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Griffin! You have sex with me or you're fired.

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

Kids, your father made this.

Fine, I didn't want to play anyway! Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square!

What do you got there, Quagmire? Is that Briggs? No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

And get the lead out, pudgy!

Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I mean, I'm just saying, what does he, what does he need a desk for? Who the hell cares? I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk? Like, right before Yoda walked in.

Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg. See you in the morning. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?

Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am!

(SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!

Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone. Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy.

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

I'm gonna go get a beer.

I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!

(PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car? Blast! Ooh! A penny! Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!

What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn. You're a monster.

Logan, let's go! I can't. I, uh... I just can'T. What's with you, logan? You look like hell. Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants. I don't want to meet the man who looks good after that. Go! Go!

(GROANS) More fan mail. Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us. We're gonna be huge. Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents.

Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman.

I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

(SINGING IN GERMAN)

"Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me.

Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois. We should grab a coffee or something and catch up. Oh, that would be great. It was really nice to see you, too.

Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.

No, no, Brian, he's serious. I'll come back for you, Lois. And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to. Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah.

They slept through the graduation ceremony and somehow managed to come out of the manhole wearing clean, pressed suit, as you say. So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin.

I daresay, I should embrace the idea of having a little brother. After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team. ahh!

Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

- Put this on. - Why? Because I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys and I don't want Lois to know about it. Um, okay. Lois, I'm going to my physical now. Okay, honey. I'll see you later. Um... What the hell? I'll just ask it.

Say we were both drunk, and--and we knew we wouldn't remember? I'd have to be really, really-- No!

Brian, do you know where Peter is? Yeah, he and the guys went to go rob your dad. I believe you.

No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. We'll do the dialysis.

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

(EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah!

Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths?

Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y."

(JOE LAUGHING) Wait a minute, who's that? I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy! (ALIENS LAUGHING) It's not the 7Up guy. Yeah, it is. Hey, say, "Crisp and clean, no caffeine."

You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!

Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

Well, you'll have to do a better job than you did on your science test. Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long. Oh, damn! How is it? You know what? We'll put you in the '80s. You'll pass for hot. Now, get in the van with Kelly McGillis. Next stop, Hollywood!

Peter, you do realize you deserve this for the way you treated Joe? I think you owe him an apology. Are you kidding, Lois? It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society. But I'm gonna be different. I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done. (GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES PLAYING)

Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this!

How did you ever put all of this together? Well, I had a little help from a very special friend. I like animals. Uh-huh. 'cause they're like people. Just little furry peoplE.

Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kind of hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down. I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster!

YEah! YE-- Ahh! Um, Lois? Um, g-Go get the medical dictionary and--and look up "fork" and "lung."

Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow The time is right It's day, not night Just open up your heart It’ll be all right Gonna buy me a rainbow

You're overweight. I'm not overweight. I'm under tall. Garfield, 1982.

Hello? What the hell? (GROWLING) PETER: Hey, Brian's home! What the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing. Just working on a family project. Getting in some together time. I have a crossbow! Chris has a crossbow.

Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go.

That's right, Tom. Which means that all life on Earth will be destroyed within 24 hours. Oh, my God! Mom, is this for real? Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie. It's the end of the world. Holy crap. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

(SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, I promise you, it's fine. Lois. Lois, Lois. I will decide what is best for my child, all right? Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son.

My God. How could they do this to me?

Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka. Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine. Are you sure, honey? For God's sake, you guys.

Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin? Any what? "Anacin"?

Can you hand me the radio? Thanks. Hi, this is car... What number are we? Five-five. Car 55. We're in a sub.

Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow! It can't happen! I was here first! Well, Technically, 3rd, but no time for semantics. This is Stewie Country, and I intend to keep it that way! As God is my witness, from this day forward, Peter and Lois shall not conceive!

Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and--

Go fuck yourself.

- From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. - All right, Brian. - Good.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach. Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out. - Full-on. - Right? I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere.

This is pure exploitation.

"Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here." Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud when they cast their eyes on such favorites as Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow, Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn, and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers. Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does,

Okay, not too happy, not too happy. Pull it back, pull it back. Okay, and number three, could you say, "Julie, I promise to get back on my feet before the baby arrives." Julie, I promise to get back on my feet before the baby arrives. He's good. Yeah, he's always good. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, thank you.

It's chillier out here than Angelina Jolie. Something like that. I don't know, I'm so cold. She took that sad old lady's husband. You're just gonna have to block out the cold, Stewie. Picture yourself in a warm place. (INHALES) Okay, I think I can do that.

I can't live without the country club.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school?

(ALL SINGING) - When the night - When the night Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think

The Last Mimzy.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun?

(SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY) "I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)

If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach.

Check out these ribs, Lois. Oh, yeah? That's nothing. Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad.

You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM)

Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya It chews so soft, it gets right to ya

I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that, but, essentially, Brian's right. Being Jewish doesn't really have to change you or your family's life. Well, I guess you're right. There's no reason things should be any different around here. Shalom, Jews. Wow, Dad! Where did you get all that glistening chest hair? It came with my Star of David.

No, we're working out a land deal. Trap Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within ten feet of Optimus Prime's property line. Destro is the city councilman who's telling Trap Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure, and even then, it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that. Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno?

Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box! It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony."

You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

I'm sorry, Peter.

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think.

Is that a WarGames reference? Might be. - You know WarGames? - Yeah. Still finding out new stuff about you. That's the adventure. There's a nerd in there. Maybe there is. I might bang her later. How about a nice game of chess? I prefer banging. Dad, have you seen my book bag? What, Chris? (SCREAMS) (CRACKING)

Hi. I'm Jennifer. Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful.

PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties? I mean, you know, back me up... Oh, and the economy, right? Back me up on this, you know? (YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint. I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes.

Well, that's it, no more. I'm done writing. What? Writing's the only thing that's giving your alcoholism any credibility. Hey, you know, I just thought of something. Hold on a sec. I bought a vase last week and it's still in the box, and I just want to check to see what they used to pack it... Ah! It's your book!

Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?

This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale.

Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.

Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car.

(PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance. And here to sing a romantic ballad is the one and only Sting. (GARBLED SINGING)

Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's. You've never been to Kohl's? Well, let me tell you about Kohl's.

Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened.

Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Aw, Jeez, This isn't another one of those interventions, is it? Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for 8 months now. Please, for your family, take it off. Hey--Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away! No, it's Stewie.

I just... I--I can't take it anymore.

I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia,

(MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!

I hate the idea of you getting your thrills pressing a gun up against your crotch. (EXCLAIMS) Just picturing it gives me the willies. You know, I really don't want to talk about this with you, Stewie. Okay, okay, I respect that. Thank you. Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? I'm sure.

Huh, who's this? I like this lady. Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father... Oh, probably not. MOTHER MAGGIE: And the unicorn slid down the rainbow to a field of jellybeans where she and the other villagers decided it had been the best day ever. Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig, and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he?

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news. No, Brian. The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment.

That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

d-do me the honor of, uh... I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.

Hey! We are very lucky.

"Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. "We had some real characters in my neighborhood, "like Frank the Mailman. "'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' Huh. "And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. "'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' "'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball.

Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories.

That's a theory, I guess. I mean, it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to. Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.

You knucklehead. Get out of here, but know I love you. (GRUNTS) Damn these stubby arms!

Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion. (TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING)

Ahh! My device! My teeth! I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then?

What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

- Cuban Missile Crisis! - No idea. Trail of Tears! Never heard of it. - Death of Charlemagne! - What is that? Treaty of Augsburg! I got nothing. Cortes reaches South America! Pumping a dry well. - Teapot Dome Scandal! - Sounds fake. September 11th, 2001! Also sounds fake. - The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.

Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones.

Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable.

Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God.

PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.

Let me rub your belly. Put it back.

We're going home. No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing?

You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!

Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.

Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

Stop mocking me!

I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Or am I?

This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.

(INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)

I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again.

(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.

Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? I'm sure. Oh, good, 'cause that'd be strange if you had fantasies about pressing a gun up against your crotch and feeling your heartbeat through your balls. Please tell me why you have it. I said I don't want to talk about it. But I want to know. Just tell me. Come on.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back!

Hey, you guys. Are we all ready to cheer at the game tonight? We? Oh, You made flag girl, huh? Uh! Yeah. So, This morning my mom was all like, "Meg, don't forget your lunch." And I'm all like, "mom, I'm a flag girl now.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat, "I hate you. "You are a bad man. "And you made me cry. "Furthermore--"

If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." "The loif of the w--" No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!" Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage. we've got 5 days left,

You're missing Gumbel 2 Gumbel.

(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.

If you've got something to say, say it to my face!

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC. They will clean up all your talking

(FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor.

Boy, what a great day for a baseball game. Yeah, and these are the best seats in the house for catching home run balls. That'd be sweet. The only souvenir I ever got was at that stock car race. All right, I got the guy! I got the guy.

It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter? Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down. At least you've still got Batman and the... It was Batman Meets... You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)

Adam! Carol? I don't know what I was thinking. I made nine mistakes, and I was afraid that I was gonna make another one. And you know what? I almost did.

Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you...

(LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey.

All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father... that we're here for his band's first performance. The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Ouahog... Fat, Horny, Black and Joe. - Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter.

You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. Stewie, shut up. (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.? Wait a minute, something did happen last night.

Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.

You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists. Permission to freak out? Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie!

Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you. That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town. Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.

Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it.

but because baseball would not be invented for 1,800 years and nobody knew what the hell he was talking about.

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty.

Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter.

because he's going the fuck overboard.

Now, in each of these alternate universes, the reality is different than our own. Sometimes only slightly, sometimes quite radically. The point is every possible eventuality exists.

Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.

Would you be saying that if the prize was 150 million bags of the neighbor's garbage? But it's not. I mean, is it? That is an unrealistic, unfair question. Peter, Brian's right. How can you be so irresponsible? You take these tickets back right now. No way, Lois. We're going to win. I got lots of good karma built up from doing those USO shows.

Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat!

He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms "through any crisis in any galaxy." - Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored.

Stewie. My son's name is StewIE.

And if you have sex, you're automatically in Al-Qaeda. Kids, do not listen to this man.

Go fuck yourself.

Dear God, my time machine! You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!

Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh!

Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy.

You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something. Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.

Like Cheeseburger Helper.

Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh! Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!

Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellows? Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things.

Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh.

Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.

I'm a huge fan, and you're going to answer all my questions. But you're a baby. Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. (ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun.

Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs?

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved! Really? Are you sure it's England? Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover. Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white. So, we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer. Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire.

She's got a big beautiful Jewish nose And it's there two minutes early wherever she goes ANNOUNCER: Dean Martin singing Chinaman's Chance.

(GROANS) I am exhausted.

Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!

MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

Oh, my God. Peter, it's beautiful! Is it a blood diamond? Ah, the bloodiest. The two kids who found it were forced to murder each other. Oh, Peter, I love it! Hey, you want to watch a DVD of the murder while we do it? I already watched it eight times, so I know exactly which part I want to blam at.

Oh, Peter! Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois. Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary togethER. No wonder she's gonna dump mE. Or is she?

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human.

(ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

I think that they're gonna have, they are gonna be fighting Deirdre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be better than usually.

I gotta fight for my right to party!

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What the hell are you doing here? It's a long story with some terrific performances, and a wonderful scene in A carnival, but I'll cut to the ending. I want to marry Lois! Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this, and stay away from my daughter forever! $1 million?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

He's a family guy

No, wait a minute. I can't call the police.

your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.

Carter, is this true?

I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk. My God! Is that Meg?

I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you.

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore! I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!

We're not supposed to leave the table.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave in a century. That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice.

Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests. I need some urine. You mean right now? Yes, right now. Here's some magazines to get you going.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what... Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing? Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect. CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you?

Everybody's stopped giving out candy.

He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING)

Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room. What? Ah! Ah! (STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner. It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Griffin. Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today. I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin. Look how vascular I am, Brian.

I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us. - It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

I can't believe Brian's dead. My best friend in the whole world and he's gone. (CRYING) You know, Peter, I think he was also my best friend.

Ooh, Sorry. The V.C.R. hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football. Do you have the expressed written consent of A.B.C. Sports and the National Football League? Just A.B.c.

Oh, no, You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that anklE. This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

No, he can't just come back. He needs the return pad. Well, we can't just leave Mort back in time. That'd be more irresponsible than silent movie porn.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks.

I know. Look at all the people on the street. Not a lot of people of color here, but the ones that are black are really black. I've noticed that, too. All right, I've got our whole day planned. First, we'll go to the Louvre. Then, we'll go shopping along the Champs-Elysees. Uh, Lois, I should probably tell you,

Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms. (CHEERING) In photography studios.

(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES)

It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle.

Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point, but I've given up writing. Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before. You don't care about this, so what does it matter? Well, you do have a point. All right. Maybe I will. Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it? I don't know, Stewie. I kind of like to write in solitude. No, no, I promise I'll be as quiet as a guy in a coma.

or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose, I want you to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and float towards the pie. Doesn't seem too hard. All right, go stand over there. (LAUGHS) No, you don't.

God's will, Brian. (CROWD SHOUTING) A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you.

Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like!

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

Oh, okay. Um... "Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.

Quick, in here.

Aw, Look at the little baby!

Remember me, dirt bag?

I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink? So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now. I shall do no such thing. Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her? Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler.

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time.

Ha! That's awesome! Go on. Uh, um, "tell you. I--I saw Doctor--" Wow! Wow! Yes! Yes! I love it! "...Uh, Doctor Philips today. I might not make it to Christmas." Oh, yeah, Drop the bomb. Drop it. There's not a dry eye in the house. Keep going. No, you know what? I'm gonna stop. Uh, m-Maybe we'll work on it later.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast! Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car?

Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS) I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, but I know where it should be. Around here the town drunk is a person of great honor.

Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much.

everything's gonna be ok.

What's the most wonderful thing that could happen to this family? Hmm. Oh, The Phillies won. You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister. Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What?

I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.

Kid, You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat! - All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant! Oh, crap! Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter. 10 years ago Daddy offered to give us $10 million, and I turned it down.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

(YELLS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, you bastard! You should've seen your face.

I shall call you "Eduardo."

I've never had a MILF come on to me before.

(SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.

Oh, we're not done yet. Come on! (TIRES SCREECH) Queen! Queen! Give me some of your hair! Come on, Queen! Don't be a bitch! Get us away from that lunatic!

Don't be ridiculous. I'll keep him company till you get back. Goodbye, Meg. Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

No! I think I can hear the ocean. Smell it, too. All right, what do I do? Wait a minute, what did I do before? That's all I have to do, right, is duplicate the circumstances, but do it the opposite way. All right, I was standing right here, the machine was on, I broke the glass...

you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself, and now nobody makes those jokes anymore. I mean, he's still gay, but now it's no fun to joke about it, because he... He beat us to the punch. My God!

Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming.

What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis!

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING) You lose!

I know a guy who does good work. You took a big risk coming here, man. James Woods could be back any minute. I know. How fast can you do it? As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go.

I might have to take you girls downtown.

Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on.

People are gonna be impressed. Hey, a black guy! Ooh, Fun! Come on, Cleveland.

Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No! What the hell is wrong with you? I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot!

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel. Oh, not the kennel. Last time you left me there for an hour. Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening.

Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

None of your fucking business what happened!

consequences will be dirE.

ANNOUNCER: Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz.

I'll take this. No calls. Come on, kids! The director can't be late for the auditions. You shoulda heard 'em laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. Except For the guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine.

English - US - CC

The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and A tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.

I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Yeah, actually, I do. Are your other senses better on account of you can't hear? Like, can you smell my farts before they even come out? 'Cause I got one in the pocket right now, and I want to know if I need to feel self-conscious about it.

Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God!

You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

Oh, My God! They're at it again! Oh, All this time spent keeping people from having sex! Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing! Time to initiate Phase 2. All right. Testing voice modulator.

Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it.

Uh, Hey, you guys!

Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to... I'm done. Night, Lois. (SNORING)

You will recall, last night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my legs, I spake thusly, "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks." It was a simple message, yet it has gone unheeded. (SNARLING SOFTLY) All right, Peter, give me a minute. For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks,

No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you. I love it. I will kill you.

Look, I know Stacy isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her.

My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.

Aw, It was nothing.

So, uh, let's just deliver the check and... Hong Kong Phooey! Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man!

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing. All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.

Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie

And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING)

Chris, dates... Battle of Hastings! I don't know. - Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know.

One--One day you--you see your reflection in it, and the next day, it's a--it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah! knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was. You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Peter, that's the most exclusive room in all of New England. Yeah, I hear it's even harder to get in there than the University of Arizona. Well, it's beating. Welcome to the Wildcats. This is the Barrington Room. Have a seat in the deepest, most luxurious leather chair in the world.

Aren't you preciouS? ahh! Oh! Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, massachusetts. Remember, "If it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack."

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey?

Editor? Wow. Gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh.

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake.

I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.

Oh, damn! I'm a monster!

Play your song, Melody Sheep, to aid the little ones' nourishment. But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written. "These were difficult times "for the children of Ipswich "when the lollipop famine "cursed their pleasant village."

And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING)

There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq. Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

You wanna touch it? Go on. You gotta be careful though. You Don't want it to get too excited and go off in your hair. Oh, This is pathetic, and all because you feel inadequate next to Chris. Don't be stupid. I don't need to compete with my son or his freakishly large penis. I'm a freak. Well, Don't despair. Let's just hang a tire on the end of it,

You'd be okay. No, I wouldn't. I don't really care for anybody else. Just you. You're the only one I like. Well, thanks. I like you a lot. I guess you could say I really like you.

For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V. since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family? I will, during the commercials. And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything.

Hang out with me on the lighter side of the Force. (LAUGHING) That's something.

Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.

This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice!

(GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward.

Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

(SOBBING) Oh, wow, everybody's already tweeting "Stewie Just Said That."

Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?

Hey, I'm not even hungry.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns.

Dear God, my time machine!

Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who? Fuck!

There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better!

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things. Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart...

Nice to meet you.

Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.

Face it, The Clam is doomed. Come on, guys. we can't give up now. Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed. Especially that Coyote Ugly theme.

Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. (INHALING) Hey!

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you!

Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

Oh! Thank God! Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka.

Oh, Wow! So, you can really give me a loan? I sure can. You see, Mr. Griffin, what sets us apart from other banks is that other banks are banks. Now, I trust you have collateral. Um, i--I got 3 kids. I'll take 'em. Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Sign this. Here you go. Good luck!

There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert.

He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin. Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration. Thank you, sir.

(DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING) STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience. Oh, Thank GoD! OH, Yeah, thank God. thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself! So, when am I gonna diE? About 2 years after your wife divorces you.

God, it's so damn hot.

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks!

Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious. Total kitsch. Like an Andy Warhol wet dream. I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous. You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny? Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet."

You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that!

I'm--I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman? Well, Actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse! Oh, My God! You're a horse? Actually, I'm not really a horse.

God! Damn! Stupid penguins. Sorry, guys, but the way things have been goin', I can't afford to keep you. I'm gonna have to put you down. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Damn it, Griffin! I said no showboating!

(HUMMING) I don't wanna wait

Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it... Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is, and if you don't, that's your problem. Fine, then, I'll deal with this myself. All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner.

I said I haven't seen it, all right! And what does it matter? It was terrible anyway! We've had this conversation! Do yourself a favor and move on! Well, that's interesting, Brian, because I found this buried in the backyard next to your soup bone. (GASPS) Stewie, I... You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good.

PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this? My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something.

What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great. You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you... lubed up...toothpaste in my...cherry... Episcopalian... extension cord... wetness... with a parking ticket.

I am going back to that clinic and I'm having that abortion. Oh, no, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Now you get out of my way! Lois, you go down there and I'll blow the place up! You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy! You know I would! So what, you'd kill a bunch of doctors to show them that killing is wrong? Does that make sense to you, Peter?

You want an explanation? God is pissed!

Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out! Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

Of course we're not! You keep changing everything! You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her!

I'll be on your bed. No calls.

(KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test. I'm gonna try out what I've learned on Denise. Well, good luck.

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard. (SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying.

Happy birthday.

Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I've decided I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Brian, why? Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of run my course here, and, you know, besides, there's a whole big world out there, and it's time I saw it. But, Brian, you live here. This is your home.

Improv! I wish there was some way I could have prevented this.

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther. Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus! Damn! Lost focus! Life over! (GRUNTS)

Can you believe it? We're eating with two of the three Ghostbusters. Actually, I wasn't in that. Look at these guys! They can't take a compliment!

Hey! I was playing with that! Hey, come back here! All right. You asked for it. (PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again.

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die! God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports. Hey, Quagmire, it's just a game. Take it easy. I'm not gonna take it easy! These guys are going down! You're going down in front of all these people!

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.

- Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test...

Let me see if I can find you a juice box, K?

I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once,

I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you. Nah!

Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch.

but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.

(YELPS) Good morning

Dad, can I have money for dance classes? Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. I'd pay to see you not dance. When will you be back? I don't know. But I'll be sure to be back before Chris' big dance class recital. I believe in that boy. I don't want to dance! You'll dance!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Mmm. ohh. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm... Mmm-mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm.

Officer, wait! I'm his wife, give me that bullhorn. Peter, you get out here right now, or else I'm throwing away all of your Mr. Potato Heads, I swear. It's okay, she only knows where the decoys are. Swanson, there you are. Listen, you hang out at this dump. I want you to go in there and end this thing.

ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

I can't believe we lost the talent show. What'd we do wrong? Well, Dad, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience. (BOTH SHOUTING)

Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.

I'm dancing from my vagina

Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works. This had nothing to do with the harmonica.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. I knew this day would come. Rupert, we're under attack by monsters! Dear God! But wait, there's Superman. He'll save us. Superman! Superman! Wait, wait. Where are you going?

(ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

PILOT: Imperial shuttle requesting permission to land like a dainty butterfly. CONTROLLER: Permission granted. Nice. That was nice.

Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.

He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV.

I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

Only the ones I'm about to ask to Friendly's for a Fribble.

And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over?

PETER: It was a great adventure.

Neither is your mother's ass.

Count it! I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin."

"...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf. "But he didn't listen to them 'cause he's his own man. "And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous "turn out to be the most fun." Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter. (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY)

Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy. I want to eat a dog now. I say we eat that one! What? Get him! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together. I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran. Mmm, yeah, but it's not. It would be like Raisin Bran, but it's not Raisin Bran. That would be like Total with raisins in it. That's just splitting hairs here. It's not really doing it for me.

Introducing rock 'n' roll. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I'm on a highway to hell Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell

Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this. You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in.

Jackpot! It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy

(WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop.

And after what I went through with Diane Simmons, well, let me just say it's nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me. Yeah, no, you're fine. Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say. You know, it's my first anchoring job,

I was wondering if you're free for coffee. Oh, no, I can't! I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch. After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

Swamp crashes. They can land you knee-deep in trouble. But the "good hands" people at Allstate will make sure you have a soft landing. Professional service. Non-threatening black spokesperson. That's Allstate's stand.

I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car. (KNOCKING) No, yeah. No, I know it's late. I just need some tropical fish food.

No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

Peter, you ready for dinner? That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose. Would he win in a fight with Batman?

Oh! I feel so deliciously white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet! All right, that about does it. Isn't she beautiful, Brian? The Duke boys would be proud, Peter. Yeah, And you got to get in through the window, like this. Ok. Now you.

I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno? She totally betrayed me! I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other. Ha! Slut!

It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about.

What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? (SNIGGERS) Still drinking. Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon?

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.

I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person. And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. That's wonderful, Jenny.

Face it, Peter. It's over.

Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud!

Yeah, Joe, even RoboCop took a day off once in a while. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Nope.

In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project.

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. Lois, your family owned my family! Daddy, is that true? Well, it appears so. Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! Peter, please calm down. Babs, I think it's time we went to bed.

(HISSING) QUAGMIRE: (ON LOUDSPEAKERS) Victims of the almighty Sarlacc! His Excellency hopes that you will die honorably. But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.

This is ridiculous. No daughter of mine is going to be happy. Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk?

This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token.

Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means. I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up. Oh, Meg, I don't know what to say.

Shut up, bitch!

Uh, Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect!

No! You bastards!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

Brooke, what are you doing here? Oh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those? You know, I don't even know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me.

Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true. That's right, little buddy. What do you want most in the whole world? In the whole world, you say?

That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social. Uh, just remember, you two, Fred is allergic to peanuts.

I have no problem, it's just... There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God,

Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! Ahh!

Look, just let go of the check.

Hey, Joe. What's going on?

Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No!

I love you, Andy!

Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going. My God, Joe is running us ragged. Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper.

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Thanks for the ride, Bandit. Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail. Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do.

Hey, guys, look over there! It's a hot girl from Florida. No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom! I see you've met my daughter. You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar. Chewie, get away from... (EXCLAIMS)

So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl RED: To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about.

and they pray for death, but death won't come. U.P.N.? You're funny. I like you, Chris. I like you too, Sam. Want to poke him? Do I? You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free.

STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.

You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I thought that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me? Oh, yeah. You can even see Tonya Harding's honeymoon video on there. I mean, it's gross, but it's, like, famous gross. You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on.

Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll--

Well, all right. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, serious problem.

Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy.

A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys. All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said...

Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat!

JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy.

I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off during the verdict. Goose! Oh, dear. It seems you're still It.

Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo!

Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?

Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian.

They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

time for batting practice.

Now, this is a loaded handgun. And what we're gonna do now is kill ourselves because this is horrible. Couldn't we just stop philateling? Too late. (GUN FIRES)

MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe... Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.

If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE!

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg.

it's only going to exacerbate it.

Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high?

I have to talk to Connie. Hey, guess what? What? That's what. No, but seriously, there's something I want to talk to you about. Sure, Zac. Anything for you. You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet. We're gonna have a real raging time.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man? My whole life's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs! Yeah, I know. So what?

Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna,

Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this so you can get some exercise.

It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never!

I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I?

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool.

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart. Hey, Stewie, play Haydn. Now play Handel.

Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!

What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve.

Just a few moments of your time. Hang on. Let me just get this little guy assembled. (HUMMING) So where you from? Newburyport. What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe. All right, I think we're all set here. (LAUGHING)

I think we're doomed. Nah. Unless they've got any big, giant robot camels, I think we're okay. Jim, robot camels. Check it out, that one's wearing Crocs.

How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me! Well, then I guess now we're even. What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you! You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois?

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE?

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?

Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Now do the theme to The People's Court. (PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts. Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

See you later, bitches.

Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address.

Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots.

It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No!

Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville,

Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

It's all brand new You'll feel it in my kiss I'm crazy for you ALL: Bah

Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

You want kids? Oh, yikes. I wish you'd told me that before I got you this. Did I hear my big boy say he's got a crush on some lucky girl? You know, Chris, I knew this day would come. So, I brought you a condom. Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain.

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

I was planning to kill myself.

Oh, God, totally! (ALL EXCLAIMING) BOTH: Awesome! You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.

All clear, sir. Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like.

You're disgusting. And you're misleading. Boy, this is romantic, isn't it, Lois? Oh, it sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. What girl? The lead in Titanic, the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio.

Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me.

Oh, It looks like some wires got crossed on Clover Street. That's not Angela. That's Mona, Angela's mom. Wonderful use of tree bark for the age spots though. Mm-hmm. This one's got Tony bathing Jonathan. Well, That's just plain wrong. Each float possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-- Oh, baby! Look at that!

That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

(ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?

Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

Peter! Yes, we need help. We're looking for a skull that my husband threw away. A skull, huh? Then you want the human remains bin. But I should warn you folks, we're pretty cleaned out right now, 'cause Carrot Top comes by every morning to rummage for new props. Well, then we'll just have to pay this Carrot Top a visit. He's funny.

All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

You want to go see Mamma Mia?

Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan.

Maybe we should hold off on havin' another baby. yeah, You may be right. No! No! No! You must receive his seed! Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant,

Just now, talking to that bitch cancer widow. I think I may have a gift. Peter, we were just doing a demonstration... No, Brian. This is real. I believe I am psychic. My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic.

PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

Not one bit, sir. For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself. I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.

Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo. Am I a walking hobo? No. Quagmire and Cleveland are, but you're not. So, wait, I would also be a paralyzed Hitler? Yeah. Would I be a black Hitler? Yes. No. Well, wait a minute, now how come I got to be crippled Hitler and he's still white Hitler? If you got such a problem with it, Joe, just be the hobo! This one isn't very fun.

Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa.

Oh, man. You're making me so hot!

Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it?

That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point. I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes.

Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks,

Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard.

You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

I met him down at the general store. He makes canoes. Oh. How come I've never met him? He hasn't really been here that long. Long enough to get your number! Ben! Ben! Damn it.

Peter, it's making me watch!

All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire! Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag.

Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus.

Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar down by the airport already took it.

MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock?

How was that, Dr. Ditty? Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all. I just have a-- God, I'm so sorry. I keep doing that. God, please forgive me. I get that from my father. He's from a different generation. - It's-- - Whatever, man.

Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird.

All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room.

Okay. 401-555-1125.

And I think that's the gist of it.

Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving!

He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water? (SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

And we're back. Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter? I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. To what? To the poison you just drank. See what I mean? This is not normal!

Don't need no credit card to ride this train It's strong and it's sudden And it's cruel sometimes But it might just save your life... That's the power of love Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table?

Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.

Sorry. I keep getting your mail, Dick. Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff. Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire.

No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old.

What do you mean, I ruined television? You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape.

Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun. A lot of fun. But we got to get back over to our place and kind of do... What do we have to do? Roll some joints and get high. Yeah, we got to do those things. That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it.

your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat! - All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant!

Oh, you wrote a song? Look at you. You're a regular little Tim McGraw. (LAUGHING) I'm a little better than Tim McGraw. Hey, these are pretty good, Stewie. Really? Do you think you could sing them? Only if you sing with me. (EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY) (POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog.

Uh, This last one won't open. Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit. Like, uh, Like this? Ah, Here, let me get it. Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead. Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard!

We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago.

Make your every joke a jewel You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul Go on, buds drink my suds

That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!

(ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.

Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet. Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

(LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei. Hello. (CHUCKLING) Man, it's cold in here. Beep-boop-beep. I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right? Captain Solo, have you seen Master Luke?

And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester.

(BUZZING) It's me. I'm Gossip Girl. I still can't believe Chris is dating a Barrington. They own this whole club. Yeah, look at all this luxury. It's like being in a gay guy's dream.

Oh, That is bulL... Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent but you might want to tell Lois the truth. What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square?

What do you think was in that Danish?

Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals. Oh, oh, look! There we go! Oh! Look at them jostling each other around! Oh! They give each other a hard time, but they're friends. Is that a real show? No, it's just... No. Somebody's making a joke. Forget it.

You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to...

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.

What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet? You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I thought that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me? Oh, yeah. You can even see Tonya Harding's honeymoon video on there. I mean, it's gross, but it's, like, famous gross.

Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!

Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm!

Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother. Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING)

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

'Cause I like it Me and Jesus Friends until we die Again Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook. Hey, everybody, what's up?

In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding.

You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose! Oh, Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it!

Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.

(GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing? Getting scraped to death by my zipper. You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me? I'm the one who made you popular! (CHUCKLES) No, Connie. Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular. Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out!

Peter, what are you doing here? I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone. Is that what you really want, Lois?

Yet. So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen or even matter. - Yes, that's correct. - So it was sort of like a dream. No, it was a simulation. Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened...

Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb, so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died. That's the way I want to go.

JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come! (BUZZING) Okay. Okay, they're on there. Let's just... Nobody move.

Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party. you mean That horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid? I didn't realize she'd been born. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere. Ooh, I'm gonna R.S.V.P. right now. Oh, Splendid. an entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars,"

No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING)

Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.

You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter. Next time around, we're gonna get ourselves a big, tall, pie-eating dog, Lois. Okay, Peter. Or Howard Huge. Let's get Howard Huge.

And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes!

I can still breathe just fine.

Chris, I know when you're lying to me. Just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping. (CLATTERING) (GASPING) What was that? Hey, what the hell? Uh, hey. - Get out of here! - Okay, okay!

I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier.

Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.

That's your penis.

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza. Excellent. Here, have a look. Good. Good.

There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you. Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet,

I love stars! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Grainy Footage of a Potential Bigfoot that will surely spark a lively debate in your household. Oh, my God! That is real! No, total fake. (ALL ARGUING) Look at that. That is obviously a suit.

And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story tonight. Quahog, Rhode Island. Known for quaint neighborhoods, white sandy beaches and harboring blood-thirsty murderers? That's right, Tom. Former murderer O.J. Simpson has moved to Quahog. We don't have footage of the murder itself, but we can show you what happened,

Yeah? Well, what did you want? Uh... You called me, right? Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah?

Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit! This is so much fun, Brian.

we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis.

Oh, he killed her. Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business. Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING)

Sure, I can. I've been doing it all week. Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets. All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him. Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh.

What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)

That little pole-smoker's a fucking genius! ...and so did the Corinthians finally write back to Saint Paul, saying, "Dude, enough with the letters. "We have received them all, "and will get back to you when we have the time. "And by the way, a lot of the information you're asking for "is available online."

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it.

ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here!

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss! It's not too late, Meg.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail!

No, no, no, not like that!

Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.

Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you!

And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family. I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60. Sir, that casket costs $1,000. Okay, $70. WhaT? $2,000.

I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different. I just want to be. What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts! Moving is never easy on a family.

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum Hey, we should go to the circus. in local news, a new drug craze may have quahog students licked. It's called "Toad."

yeah, You may be right. No! No! No! You must receive his seed! Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it.

The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot! It seems today It seems today

Like when he was a boxing coach. Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him! (BELL DINGING) You know what I'm going to tell you. I got to punch him... You got to punch him more. Hey, you ever check Joe's Facebook? Ugh, I know. Awful.

I--I don't think I'm in the right place. I'm looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son's birthday. Oh, Sure. I can do that. You do children's parties? Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe. I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.

Blasphemy! Heresy! Sodomy! (LAUGHS) Sorry, I don't even know what's going on. How you doin'?

- Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow. Hey, everybody. Wait till you see this.

Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne? I don't know, sir. Hey, we have almost the same voice. Excuse me, I'm the prison doctor. I'm here for Andy's check-up. Andy Dufresne? Yeah, Andy Dufresne. We can't find him. Well, that's no good. All right, you two are gonna have to leave.

Cool! He's bleeding! Just like in the movies!

- Psych. - Damn!

Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque. Ugly phoque and bitch. Good job, Chris. I think you're ready.

No. Have you ever seen the Channel Five News? No. Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly. Channel Five News has file footage of pills being sorted. Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common.

You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile. Where you need improvement. You have smelly dog farts. Something good. Something good. You really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week. That is sensational. You really made me feel confident about those numbers.

What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything? No, it's too dark. (GRUNTS) Tom? Tom!

Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's mother agreed not to press charges if you apologize.

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.

Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?

I am having a really great time. Me, too. I really value our friendship.

Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!

When did you guys get a pool? Oh, It's a moat. I know it's silly but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that we're, well, we're rich. Does it work? Well, It does keep the Black Knight at bay. Well, Congratulations on all your success.

I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine! Mmm, Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say? Well, Aren't I the wicked one? Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting. Oh, And I suppose the bilious curds you force-fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then?

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

Well, the harmonica's up there pretty good.

What the devil is that? SULU: Hello. Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out. And to think I actually thought you raped me. Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room.

Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they?

Lois, get in here!

I've been doing this all me life. You see, the reason your fleas are drawn to ya, is your kidney energy is being blocked by a dark chi. Or what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu. hey, doc. D'you have to keep those 2 boxes right next to each other? Why? What do they say? I think we're through here.

- Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher!

(HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive.

You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do.

(ROARING) Monkey, grab my hand! (SCREAMING)

I do not miss that ogresS. She can burn in hell for all I care! Sure she can. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "I've grown accustomed to her face "She almost makes the day begin "I've grown accustomed to the tune

Okay, that one might have been more of a visual, but you feel that feeling you got right now? That's satisfaction. You just read something. And no one can take that away from you. Proud of you.

It only works if all the legs are moving toward the same end. And you know what you are, Brian? - You're a busted leg. - What? Are you firing me? Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture. What the hell are you guys doing?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

Oh, Peter! Aah! Hey, You must be Lois.

I wasn't invited! I hate Chris! He's such a jerk! Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused about who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes.

Peter, It's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

Yeah? And you even manage to humiliate me there.

Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But.... So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So just putting it out there.

I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!

You haven't asked me anything about myself. Oh! Um. Sorry. So, what do your parents do? That's better. My dad's an accountant, and my mom is the former governor of Alaska. Oh, that's cool. It's real cool. Now, get up, come over here and give me a shoulder massage. Okay.

(GIGGLING) "...hopes all things, endures all things. "Love never ends. Love never fails." Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8.

Man, I haven't done this in two weeks. I should weigh myself before and after. Sorry, I forgot my prescription mouthwash. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God. What are you watching? That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch.

Not the best way to spend a Thursday night, huh? (SIGHS) You can say that again. I was hoping to be at this Democratic Party fundraiser. Oh, God, is that tonight? Ah... You know, I promised Barry I'd be there. I call him "Barry," you probably know him as "Barack." Um. Yeah. So, what are you doing here? I'm picking up my friend Peter.

And a Griffin never knows when to stoP. CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.

I always wanted to be an astronaut like Lance Armstrong. It's Neil Armstrong. He lied about his name, too?

but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip,

What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello.

Life. Everything. Just having the gun here, knowing there's a way out, it helps. Yes, but a gun, it's so messy. What about pills? Even hanging yourself is better. At least then you might grow an inch or two while you're hanging there. Of course, when they find you, you might have those Illeana Douglas eyes. Hmm.

Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure. HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast. The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash. Stewie, please tell me you know how to get us home. Of course I know how to get us home!

If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family. No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him. I'll do it, I'll be James Woods. From this day forth, I am James Woods. And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it.

Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter.

If the poo were to be removed... What does that... What are you driving at? Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving. And, you know, I've seen you eat shit before, Brian. Yeah, mine!

Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane?

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Here with an update is Greg, the Weather Mime. Ok, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold, and--and there's gonna be wind, and people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops. How awful! Oh, no. I'm sorry, that's--that's rain. Yes. It'll rain.

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there. Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this.

You should've told me...

There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah.

Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)

Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask. Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house?

Uh, I don't think that's the expression.

He had a family emergency.

Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed. And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting. Well, that's our show.

Meg, get in the car, we're going home. I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore. Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car. Yes, Daddy.

And all the success with the family band is only making it worse. The family band? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band. - Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous. Peter, we have to do something. We're losing our daughter. I'm worried about what's happening to her.

(GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do?

Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend.

I said I want to know whose cup this is! Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage."

Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to...

I say, look at this. This toy has small parts. Why the devil would they include small parts? Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up.

Holy crap. They got a ringer. What the hell? Jerome's on your team? That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store. What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.

Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it.

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good.

Brian, I've had enough of this.

and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing. It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want. And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America.

Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight!

I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.

You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do

PETER: You know what's weird? This was covered by my HMO.

Hey Joe, can you keep an eye on the place? I might as well. I'm melted to the ground. There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!

And for God's sake, do not be afraid to make me a sandwich while you're in there.

You're paralyzed from the waist down.

Yeah. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music? Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music. He-hee.

The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase,

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather?

As time goes by Moonlight and love songs Never out of date Hearts filled with passion Jealousy and hate

I can't believe my dad is in there. This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life. I got a new dress. Try talking about him. So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?

So what's it like to work at a high school? Oh, Brian, I just love it. Working at James Woods High is great. You know, I've always wondered why they named if after James Woods, you know? I mean, there's got to be somebody more deserving. Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know... Sidney Poitier, Reggie Jackson, Martin Luther King....

Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.

If we learn to live with less And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer

Oh, a pattern developing? Well, Diane, I guess you've learned a lot from staring lifelessly at TV reruns of CSI over the thrusting shoulders of whatever drifter you drag into your bedroom on whatever night CSI is on. Thursdays, Tom. And don't miss CSI, Thursday when Johnny Cluestein finds the secret fingerprints in the case... I've never seen the show.

Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share! Uh, I'm not really sure what to do here.

(IT'S A SUNSHINE DAY PLAYING) I think I'll go for a walk outside now The summer sun's calling my name

I recently came into some money.

Across the USA Dancin', dancin' across the USA Dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin'

I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad.

But you love mashed turkey and peas.

Stimulating, titillating kitty-cat impersonating Mega-rocking, pillow-talking just-a-little-crooked walking Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting For some reason, always shouting Fascinating, captivating happiness-and-joy creating Down's Syndrome girl!

Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy. Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight.

Wait. Did you just call me "Brian"?

Do you want a sip or not?

Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side.

Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

Let someone else worry about hurricanes.

Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie!

Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie.

What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you. Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car!

It's a paradise, Brian. Trees grow from Republican sod And everyone prays to a proper right-wing god Republican Catholics? Yes, indeed, there are Republican Muslims? Well, let's not go too far No Muslims? Nah, too many tall buildings.

BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.

Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh? Yeah. hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

Go on. That's iT.

Hey, Meg. 18 yet? No.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me. Would anyone like to play Stratego? I have Stratego.

Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public? Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method. I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation. Okay, ifl make this, we're all gonna get laid. Yes! Score! Score!

What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?

Monkey in the closet.

Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.

It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it?

The Reagan years have laid the frame For movie stars to play the White House game We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim You've got a lot to see

What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid.

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

Hey. What are you doing here, dork? Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING)

You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter!

Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are?

I say, Janet, do you like this couch? Oh, You truly are beautiful. You know that? Oh, Janet, our future is so bright. Cookie? Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing and Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and...

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter!

Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it! This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet! Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good. Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good.

(STRETCHING) I just kind of feel like kicking it tonight. Oh, look at that. I'm growing all the time. Hey, Jillian, can you give me a minute? You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri? You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man?

Well, Time for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie.

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough?

Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,

Ugly phoque and bitch.

Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side. Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects? I'll never join the dark side. You failed, Your Highness. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.

Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. You know, you really hurt me, Chris. I know. I was wrong. I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna. Please, just give me another chance. Gosh! He doesn't look so good.

Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk. (ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often.

The family band? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band. - Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.

And this is Pembroke Quad. Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited. I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories. Cowards!

Oh, my God! Are you sure? You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. I said, when people die, they void their bowels. PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass.

Just ask me sheep, O'Brian. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s.

(SIGHS) He took the Twitter name Mayor West, so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker! But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman.

I think I have an idea. This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves.

Shit, I should have said something. He let me say it twice now. It's like we're married. (MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far?

What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

Hey, guys, look over there! It's a hot girl from Florida. No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom! I see you've met my daughter. You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar.

Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys. Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.

I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.

BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Francis, we were watching that. Well, I'll tell you how it ends.

Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent.

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you? Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

That's what I thought a Portuguese was. Me and my brain, huh? And we're just getting started!

Ha. What's that supposed to mean? Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

He's a family guy

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?

And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth. My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you.

Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

Victory is... Aah!

You're in big trouble, mister.

(MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats? Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room. Wow. This looks just like my room at home. Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends.

Yeah, Daddy. If you hadn't pulled this stunt I never would've learned how to manipulate Kevin. And when the kids at school see us on T.V. they'll think you're a total psycho. And I can say, "That psycho is my dad!" I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m. Huh.

We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.

And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please.

I have my confidence again. I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone. Well, I'm glad to be of service. Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear? See you at work on Monday, Griffin. Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite Aid about this fake mustache.

Well, there's only one thing to do now. Go to plan B.

All right, I'm gonna go bring the pilots their coffee. Hang on to something, because this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh.

Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.

Did we not have money for the Petercopter? Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron? Whatever. I want you to meet Consuela. Consuela, this is my husband, Peter, and these are our children. Hello, Mr. Peter. Hello, Mr. children. Consuela's gonna be our new housekeeper.

What? I don't... I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. No! It won't be the same! Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.

Your dog is dating her! No way. You're banging Cheryl Tiegs? Yeah. Oh, my God. Light the beacons.

and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.

Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.

I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?

They have tennis courts! And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs! Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. Oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves.

What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation.

This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter!

(SNORING) That's it, Griffin. Keep breathing. I'm almost there. Oh! Your breath is filling me up. Your breath and this squash racquet.

Usually he can't even handle simple tasks. Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

There it is, kids. Columbus, Ohio. Now, remember, there are no rules about who can wear stretch pants here, so you're going to see some pretty shocking things. Brian, is this our vacation? Yeah. Oh.

From all of us at Family Guy we wish you Christmas joy. May all your wishes now come true for every girl and boy. We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer. So have a Merry Christmas and...

All right, everyone, I'd like to get started. (ALL PANTING) I'd like to get... We're start... You know what? Maybe... Maybe everyone should sit down. (ALL WHEEZING)

MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power!

Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh?

and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air. Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me. I watched my career and my love life crumble,

Not this baby! Hey Lois, you seen my pants?

Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry.

Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about?

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

You guys don't care about me and my struggle! I hate you!

What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. What? Will he be okay? No, he won't be okay. One-third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. (BEEPING) Well, that's it.

It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right?

What the hell is all this? Oh, Brian, you're here. Good. Okay, let me give you the rundown. This is your work area. Please keep personal knickknacks tasteful. You get 25 minutes for lunch, and.... Enjoy it here. Welcome aboard.

- Are you bald? - Yeah.

May the Force be with you. CHEWBACCA: There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man. All right. Is this thing good to go?

Can I have another bourbon, please? Hey, Blondie. You wanna get together with my dogwood? What? Dogwood? You know, like Dogwood and Blondie, like in the funnies? You mean Dagwood? Dagwood, that's what it is. Hey, how about this one?

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk?

Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy. Get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Hi. I'm Michael. Michael! Michael! Um, and this is my wife, Nancy. Nancy! Nancy! And this is our Uzbekistani friend, Bokyavroychesku. Hi.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! Just use a dish towel! There aren't any, Brian! You need to come in here! Oh! We are gonna have ants!

You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit. There's one right behind me, isn't there?

Yeah, you slut. Doth the magistrate know what you're doing tonight? Good. Now, undo the top six buttons of your 100-button shoes.

No, thanks. I gotta get going.

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) Well, thanks to no gravity in space my spine stretched, and I am now a confident 6'3", so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman. Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing?

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add...

Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

Hey, big man, turn around.

MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas! MAN: Infertility! Here we go! Our grand prize winner is Brian Griffin. (ALL CLAPPING) (ALL CHEERING) Wow, I don't believe it!

G-Give me your keys. What is this, Dad? A Southern tradition, son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War. Robert E. Lee, I knew I'd find you here, where they seat the sorry-ass losers!

I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later. Pardon me. Is this first-period English?

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, that's a great idea. Maybe he can bring his sling blade and order up some (MIMICKING BILLY BOB THORNTON) French-fried potatoes. Mmm-hmm.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening.

Thanks, Lois. But I doubt there's any chance of that. (ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK PLAYING)

Wow, he's nailing it. I know, shut up. (CHEERING)

I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how.

Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said. Far be it from me to call you a liar. Huh? Nothing. Nothing. See you next week. Mom, how come all your students suck? I don't know, honey. All I want is one pupil who's good enough to win the piano competition. I'm sick of coming in 2nd to that awful Alexis Radcliffe.

From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.

(WHISTLING THEME SONG) (GRUNTS) Attaboy, Ope. (WHISTLING THEME SONG)

In fact, he's right down there. Where?

check out my onboard computer navigation system. Standard. Left turn ahead. Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you!

Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED! Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years!

The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why?

As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.

You have some new material for that novel you've been writing.

I'm starting to feel like an animal in a cage. Yeah, or a T. rex trying to masturbate. All right, Internet porn, check. Tissues, check. Lotion, check. Okay, let's go. Aw! (GROWLS)

Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God!

We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.

Look, Brian, Peter is a jerk. And as far as I'm concerned, it's either him or me. Shauna, come on, why you want to play a brother like that? I think I have my answer.

My grandfather on my mom's side was Japanese. Wait a minute, you're... You're part Japanese? Sure am. My grandfather was a pilot for the Imperial Air Force during World War II. Flew a kamikaze mission in the Battle of Midway. He's part of the reason I became a pilot.

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING) (SCREAMING) Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right? No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot!

You never answer your cell phone And your messages are often ambiguous Amen A reading from the book of Leviticus.

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

I had a question for you guys. Did any of you happen to be at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire? No. None of us were. I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets. I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this. A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort.

Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things.

I know, I know, I'm a rice queen.

Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter.

Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face?

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING) STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian.

You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad. Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal?

Looks like little Johnny should've wished for some blocking.

It's just that things don't always work out the way we plan. Do you know I've never been to Europe? Now look at me.

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives. Aw, I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kind of rooting against him. We're straightening out!

"E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of...

Our house is your house, Peter. I'd sit here and chat with you, but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta, because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! When is it gonna be my turn?

It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush!

You know it isn't wise I see the want to in your eyes

Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died!

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere. Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it? - Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours? - What? What? 'Cause I had an idea.

You gotta get out of here. Why do we have to leave, Dad? 'Cause your Daddy's gonna have a three-way with your mother and her friend. Isn't that nice about Daddy's three-way? I had a one-way one time. That was amazing. Sorry I farted in the middle. All right, go on, beat it, all of you. Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend.

Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Peter and Lois were supposed to chaperone Chris' school dance tomorrow night. So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing. You're too stupid to do it alone. Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses.

You suck! Get off the stage! What do we do? I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here. How about a funny story about Lake Wobegone? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree....

Peter, you joined the Tea Party?

Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg. Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper. It's a mess up there.

Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for the both of us. What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!

I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid. I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me! Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?

Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk.

If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie,

Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys? Ooh it up A party

I had sex with her! What?

(ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me!

You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.

Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug. Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia Airport,

Well, Rudolph, We finally figured out what makes your nose red. Is it pixie dust or-- or leprechaun tails? No, it's a tumor. You mean like a magical Christmas tumor? No. A malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain. Oh. Like a happy, special-- You're going to die.

I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER? Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall.

I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies!

Hello, neighbor.

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family. I thought being rich would solve all my problems, but all it did was make me forget what was important. Like who my real friends are. I don't expect you to forgive me,

How could you, you--

It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM)

(AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

ifl give you 30 seconds of making out, will that shut you up?

I don't get it. Last time we saw you, Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife. Yeah! How the hell did you come back to life? Well, gentlemen, sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages.

Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

I was just trying to help you out. Mr. Barrington told me I couldn't see Amanda anymore. We never even got a chance to have sex. Everyone knows rich, waspy girls are the best at it. I'm really going to miss that club. You know what part I liked the most? Walking around the locker room naked and offering people sections of a tiny clementine.

Well, I try to take care of myself. Joseph, this is the most fun I've had in a while. That's good, that's good. - Pull your pants down. - What? Come on, this is our seventh date. It's completely natural. Birds do it, bees do it, dinosaurs, whom we live alongside, do it. Joseph, I can't. People will talk. So, what? They'll talk in Aramaic.

You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes. Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.

Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle. One--One day you--you see your reflection in it, and the next day, it's a--it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah! knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was.

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you!

(ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you

What do you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey... Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas. What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next.

Oh, Stewie! My clothes are not for you to play with, understand?

(LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants.

Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

La, la, la, la, la. Regular life La, la, la, la, la, la... (SCREAMS) And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer. People are gonna miss me when I'm... (BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things.

I've produced this simulation of how the killing transpired. I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker to play my daughter. Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now?

(SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass! All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie,

I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois. So you can watch the sea until I return. Go on, try it out. Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.

That's not a knife. That's a knife. This is also a knife. Oh. Well, I'll be on my way. I want to see more of him, and then suddenly none of him. Forever. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!

You know, This really is the first place we've gone to. Perhaps we should try another lot. Sold! Well, Go on. Hot-wire it! Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! Oh, for God's sake! Hurry up! You did it! Wait. Put it back. I like that song.

(YAWNS) (BURPS) Schumai. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Oh. (GRUNTS)

What do you want? Financial advice. Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello! Max Weinstein?

It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song. Is that all? Yeah. Is there an age restriction for the sleight-of-hand magic show this afternoon? Twelve. Oh... Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in.

Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it!

QUAGMIRE: Look what we did. We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke?

Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero!

Just in case. Just in case what?

whatever that means. I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up. Oh, Meg, I don't know what to say. All of those things you said about me are true. I have been a very bad mother to you.

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp. (SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass!

I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that.

(SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

(DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner... Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh?

He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. - Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.

A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God! (DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing.

Who's got a guy with lots of brains? You do! Who's got a girl who loves chow mein? You do!

Yeah--Yeah, I got a-- I got a sweet tooth,

We now go live to the Rhode island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa is standing by. Trisha? Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility, Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend,

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter.

(CRYING) Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian? I'm buying you another Rupert. Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild.

Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage. Oh, my God!

(TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months.

Lois, I can't believe you're doing this. If you work for Fox News, you're gonna be selling your soul. Oh, Brian, come on. They're a major news network. I would think you'd be excited for me. Are you kidding? They're a lie factory. They report whatever they damn well please. You know, Brian, you're welcome to come with me and see for yourself that it's all on the level. You know, I just might take you up on that, Lois.

Whoa, freeze frame! What's gonna happen next? I think I got to go to the bathroom. (FARTS) (YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (COUPLE SCREAMS) What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car!

- Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya?

but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe. (GASPING) What? Oh, my God. Good Lord! I am a genius. What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work.

Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank.

Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away. Yeah, definitely. Maybe it's a my-two-dads kind of situation? Right. Like they don't know which one was the real father, so they both call themselves Dad. So, wait, were both the guy in the car and the doctor biological parents? Yes. And the guy in the car was the biological father. Crap.

- You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus.

I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it. Oh, my God. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool. Oh, my God. Totally. I love the color. Really? What color is it? It's like blue, kind of blue-green. It's the same color as his eyes. Wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it. I heard he bought it from his dad.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

Look out testicles, here I come!

That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours! Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward.

Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex. Him legend.

Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

(LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.

yet as unspoiled as when she was born. (ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?

(CHRIS SCREAMING)

Now wait, so the white ball has to hit one of the stripy balls?

Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!

Definitely pretentious. And he's got a big Eggo. Okay, we seem to have a theme going here.

Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that. I've already accepted another job. Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like. It's all right. I would've driven you bananas. Oh, and he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois. (WHINES) Dad, are you ready?

Which means I'm losing billions in timber dollars. I had to sell my Bangles records. I was still working on memorizing all the words. My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol? If I lay down flat on the floor it usually kind of fixes it Tony Danza from Who's the Boss?

I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state

Remember? And you put that dream aside in order to provide for this family. Yeah? Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight,

(EXCLAIMS) Jillian, can you run and get me a beer from the kitchen? Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight? Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice. (EXCLAIMS) I want to go. Well, Peter, if you want, you can have my ticket. What? But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go.

What kind of pie is this?

That's perfect, Joe. Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick!

Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat! - All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant! Oh, crap! Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter.

You can call me Mystique. Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it. I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free!

I'm made in his image. Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well... And what kind of God would put you in a house where no one respects or cares about you, not even enough to get you a damn mumps shot? Oh, no!

But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass? Boy, that'd be satisfying.

That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy.

None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye.

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House.

Handiquacks is gonna be the next Simpsons. We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy. We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head. You go, "Wow! What happened?" Hmm. We take you on a little trolley ride down Story Lane. You're having a good time, enjoying our tale, think you know what's coming. Boom, left turn! You don't know how it happened! You don't know where you are, but you like it. Uh-huh.

Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

And Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. It's ok. Take your time. Then what happened? He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!

How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No! What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh!

Brian. Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING) - Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that?

And you think And you think That love is only That love is only For the lucky For the lucky - And the strong - And the strong Just remember

Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

it' s Sa turda y Nigh t! TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it?

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought.

I wants me that beer.

(MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen? (GIGGLES) Well, Cindy, I guess it's true that big things come in small packages. (ALL LAUGHING)

Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you. Oh, Peter! Aah! Hey, You must be Lois.

You gonna eat that stapler?

(ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

$49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE. Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. I--I mean, nickels and boobs. Money. I'll be upstairS. Peter, why are you so-- Get out! This is a part just for the men!

What? Oh, That. Yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out. See that sign? Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble. Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?

Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up.

$1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter! Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois.

Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Peter used to be so passionate. Suddenly, he just doesn't seem very interested in me anymore. Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter.

That's tomorrow and that is it for us today. I'm Stewie Griffin. Thanks for watching. We'll leave you with Sting and a cut off his new album. Take it away. (INAUDIBLE)

(STUTTERING) Bet! Wait a minute. There's nothing funny about an addiction. Vote no on Indian gaming laws.

It's a girl! Can you check again?

"Probably hogging blankets."

Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks. Lois, this pasta, better than Italy.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye

Now try it again. "How do you do?" What did you say? "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." I think she's got it!

I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell!

What the hell is this?

(MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING)

Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol?

Absolutely! You're hired!

Peter, America is the land of opportunity. There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy series, including That '70s Show, and...

Well, it's one or the other, Brian. Geez, look at those two.

Can I get stamps, too?

(PHONE RINGING) Hello. Oh, hey, Jillian. What's up? Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight? What time does it start? 10:00 Eastern and specific time. What? What did you say? Specific time? Don't you mean Pacific time? No, I think it's called specific time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.

What are you talking about? (EXHALES) I can't leave you like this. But you have to swear never to tell anybody. (GASPS) You mean, you're gonna eat my... Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear! Okay, how should we do it? I guess it's dealer's choice, really. I suppose the easiest way would be to use the diaper as a bowl of sorts.

Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

- Sir? - Yeah? Sir, the FBI is here. Oh, the FBI is here now? Yes, sir. Right over there. Hold this. Want a breath mint? (LAUGHING) Breath mint. I ad-libbed that line.

You talk to Matt Lauer lately?

- Hey, this look like a spaceship to you? - Sorta.

QUAGMIRE: Settle down, will ya?

WOMAN: (FOREIGN ACCENT) The current bid is $200,000. Oh, my God. WOMAN: Going once, twice... Sold for $200,000. Remember, there is cash back when you use your Visa Gold.

Mom, am I going to fit in the seat or is this going to be like last time? This should tide you over for a while. I'll come back as soon as I can. Mmm. She's not coming back, you know. How do you know that? 'Cause she's my mom, too.

Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Do you guys want to see a dead body? Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion. Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake.

Mr. President, I present to you Peter Griffin.

This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home.

What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it?

You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage! - Screw our marriage! I love you! - Really? Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton. We'll get past it somehow. All I know is, I don't want to do anything to hurt you. Oh, Peter! Why are you naked in my house?

Peter, what do you care... No, no, Brian, he's serious. I'll come back for you, Lois. And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to. Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter?

I don't care what you think of me!

At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire.

Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose! Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you! You're why cavemen painted on walls!

Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg? You okay in there? (RUSTLING NOISE) Uh, yeah. Come on in. Everything all right?

The way we danced and hummed our favorite song

Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety. Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video.

My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy.

You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.

Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky. You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy, but others might. Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

Good Lord! Who is that? That's Lady Redbush and her husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson.

with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog. Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)

Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

Sure. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid! Peter!

I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.

Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! (DOOR SLAMMING) (RITA CRYING)

There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes. - It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey.

I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S." Oh, well. Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway. What the...

How you girls doing on popcorn?

Somebody call 911. Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel! Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired! Oh, Man. What'll I do if I get fired? I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different.

the sun has gone to bed and so must I so long farewell auf wiedersehen, good-bye

(SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened? Well, it was 1996. Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers east of Providence, which is mostly just open water, but still, I'd been undercover,

Aw, Meg, there you are. Dad, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm so embarrassed, I could die! Hey, heY, Not before the rest of us! Meg, your mother wants the family together today. It's just Stewie's birthday. So what if I'm not there? Who's gonna remember? Your mom will, trust me. She remembers everything.

I hurt myself changing this tire! NARRATOR: The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

You're a big canine star.

Shut up. Seriously, shut up.

(SCATTING) NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now back to the Fox News report with Rhonda Latimer. Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC) I see the sparkling little diamond

(LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show? Peter, put me down. I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson? Peter, put him down right now.

I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!

(BOTH GASPING) Oh, no. I have chateau'ed myself. (GROANS) Damn it. He died before he could tell us anything.

How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else.

Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.

We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers.

Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin. He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way.

tragically killing all the teenagers on board. Many of the students Tweeted about the accident as it was happening. We have a few here. From @Jenny94, "Water seriously cold, yo." Here's @TheTed69, "I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK." "JK," indeed.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Detarded.

Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that... Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that... And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its."

This is a message to all American infidels. Prepare to die in a sea of holy fire. You will be punished for your decadent ways on the first day of Radaman. You... (ALL LAUGHING) Wait. Wait a minute. Did I just say... What did I say? "Radaman"? (STAMMERING) Ramadan. Radaman. What is that? What is...

Some other time, Chris. Now, where's my shoes?

Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?

(VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing. I've never seen a guy your size who could move like that.

Well, let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.

Whoah. You're like the Arnold Palmer of golf. Yeah, life is good. I'm 7 years old, and if I play my cards right, I've got another 7 years ahead of me. Hey, what ever happened to your lady friend? We decided to stay good friends. I found out that there are A Lot of different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was.

I know. I can feel him. I can smell him. Mmm! I can taste him. Okay, I get the smell part. But, Meg, I think we have to have a talk. Sweetheart, you don't... You don't have a crush on Joe, do you? Um... I don't know.

Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)

This court will now come to ordER. Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

look him right in the eye, and he's butter. Ooh! What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I... Oh, Wait a minute. Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?

I hate everything about that man. I'm gonna go tear him a new one. I'm gonna go find some hardcover photography books of tasteful nudes. STEWIE: Oh, my God, yes, that is tasteful. Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to? Yeah. Make it out to Charmin, because that's how I'm going to use it.

And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!" Honestly! The things these children come up with. if you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angeles, Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York,

Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?

in 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist. That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills!

Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.

Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead. Definitely dead.

Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess. I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him.

WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!

Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. I'm talking about that! Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto! Ah, This is it, pal. We're goners. Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship. Me, too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in.

Mom, I can't find my jacket.

That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool. I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois!

Chris, it's me, Meg. (SIGHS) Well, that's everybody.

But aren't you going out with JoAnne Fuller? JoJo? No, she's my neighbor. I've known her forever. She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture.

i wanna tell you I love your way ooh i wanna be with you night and day oh, Peter! Our song!

MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States! (EXCLAIMS) He said it! He said it! MAN 2: All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets? (EXCLAIMS) There it is! There it is! MAN 3: The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.

Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you, sir. Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English.

Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin--

Get out of here, you little bastard.

Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush. - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad.

Oh, that was good. That was even funnier than the one where Anus got the hamster stuck in his mouth.

Can I help you? Not illegal. Not illegal. Show me the law. Not illegal.

Oh, my God! My fish is gone! And he robbed me! Ok, see you, Chris. Peter, this is none of my business, but you're turning your boy into a slacker. How dare you call my parenting into question.

Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year.

He showed up at my door and said he was a Federal Boob Inspector. And I was gonna tell him to go away, but he had a warrant.

We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me.

Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia which has substantially weakened his immune system.

Wow! Does it really smell like cook-- Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.

Because it's Rule 142-B!

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you!

All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people. Nobody will buy it. There are no sharks out here. Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to, but I'm watching my weight 'cause I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again. Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine. (SNIFFING) Is that smoke? (GASPING) Idea for a farce, cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive. (LAUGHING)

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad.

PETER: Hey, Stewie. You got a minute for your daddy? Get out of here, you spineless oaf! Oh, and by the way, I faked all those bowel movements.

Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.

Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries. (GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know. You idiot! This is your fault. My fault? You were the one chasing me. You were the one reading my diary.

I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat!

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay! Aw, I mean, sorry, honey. God, I hate high school.

Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! All in a day's work. Remember, If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone. Hugh Downs away!

Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here!

I can pause it. I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to... (FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out.

and Ted just walked out on her.

So, are we all set at Cheesie Charlie's? Well, Actually, i--I canceled the reservation. What? Peter, How could you? Lois, I got a very good reason. Oh, Wait a second. These are always classic. Lois, that Cheesie Charlie's is--is no good. See, it happened like this.

Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.

Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.

Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form ofa hawk! - Come on, Peter. - Yeah, I'll be right behind you. Shape of Jayna's tampon. PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

Uh, Excuse me. Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella? I'm saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line! We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, Mister.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous.

(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)

Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING) Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it?

This is a message to all American infidels. Prepare to die in a sea of holy fire. You will be punished for your decadent ways on the first day of Radaman. You... (ALL LAUGHING) Wait. Wait a minute. Did I just say... What did I say? "Radaman"? (STAMMERING) Ramadan. Radaman. What is that? What is...

(SHUSHING) Hi, Dad. Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today? Nope. Sorry, Chris. She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.

Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do?

(GROANS) Oh, no! You cut your forehead! What do we do? (IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, kids, if you have an open wound, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding. Then get some sleep and wait for the body to heal itself. Now we know. And like I always say, "Remember, you know enough."

My name is Voit, dumb ass.

Oh, my God. It's like he's saying everything I'm listening to. That's right. The government wants to tell you what foods to eat. (ALL BOOING) And what church you can go to. (ALL BOOING) And that you can't own a chimpanzee because you're not responsible enough. (ALL BOOING) I would feed it!

I'm an ice cream cone.

And she's all, like, "Meg, don't forget "your half-time routine at the game." Uh! Moms! Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game. Go, team! Uncool people are like animals. Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school? Hut!

Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.

Hey, what the hell you think you're doing?

but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

I don't have your money! How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it!

Give me a break. Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat! Forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.

That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.

Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot!

or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.

Bruce seems like the only gamer here.

(SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet?

I know. It was amazing. Much better than that night you pretended your penis was Danny Aiello. Oh, that is so interesting, Danny Aiello. You've got the best Spike Lee stories. What's that? You want to meet my wife? Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello.

Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?

and he says he's come up with a new penis enlargement pill, and if we can bankroll him $100,000 in startup money, he'll triple our investment in a year. Well, uh, gee, (STAMMERING) I don't... Peter, I've taken the liberty of mocking up some sales projections. Wow, that's pretty good. And this would be our net profits. Yikes!

Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself--

1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL.

Oh, my God! It's you!

Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week. Thanks, honey. But honestly I dunno how you stand bein' in the house all day.

Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

Well, I can't answer that, but I'm gonna do my best to make her even happier than those kids on Three Wishes with Amy Grant. What's your wish, Billy? Can you cure my cancer? No, but how about if Spider-Man gives you a $50 gift card to Sears? Here. Get well.

No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian.

Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired! Oh, Man. What'll I do if I get fired? I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different. I just want to be.

What are you looking at? I could fight you both. You don't know what I go through every day. (SOBBING) Now go to sleep, the both of you. PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Seven. Seven prostitutes.

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture?

No, I've never done it myself. Mum does it.

Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

And even when I'm old and gray I'm going to feel the way I do today because you make me feel so young

Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied. If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup.

Come on, huh? All right. Ok. Enough, Batman. I don't want... Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman? Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh!

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual.

I want us to be together again as a family, and I promise I'll never betray you again. I love you, Cleveland. Uh... I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches.

(FARTING) PETER: Brown house.

Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Because I'm not pregnant.

Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this. I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia.

Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING) Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby!

But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta. (EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion. Thank you, Tricia. After the interval, find out which 12 football teams tied tonight.

Dad? (PETER WHINING) Dad? Dad? (PETER WHINING)

He's a family guy

Do you think we should support what the President is doing? Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us. And truthishly, we should just accept that. Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is?

I think I can help. What are you doing? My job. Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.

(GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. (PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.

Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert.

Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born,

Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just... When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough, you just, I don't know, lose sight of the rest of the world. Brian, she's my wife, and you're my best pal. So, what are we gonna do about this?

Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he? Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me. Oh, Look. My very own lion! Oh, My God! Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure.

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting. (MONITOR BEEPING) (VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY)

(LAUGHING) Stupid hat. Damn it! I paid 15 cents for this ticket. No, he didn't! Christ, could he be any more annoying? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, hey, it's Tom! Tommy!

Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours. (YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois.

My God, Joe is running us ragged. Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper. A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that...

Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS)

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby.

WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning, cool weekends. FM. - Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back.

All right, Poligrip, this is where you earn your money. Oh, my. Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out.

What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter.

oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it. Go.

And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

We wrote a pretty big check for you folks here, so... You know, whatever. It's fine. It's fine. Doesn't matter. Just... I just hope you're making the best of what we gave you here. I would say that given the events that preceded it, the couple 100 years or so, maybe we're about even. Yeah, no, no. We gave more.

Oh, boy. You better watch out for the Freshman Hunt.

What are those?

Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do.

Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast? Powerful stuff. You would have to be made of stone not to feel saddened by that.

(ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK PLAYING)

Listen, thanks a lot for the-- Uh, Peter. I'm kind of busy right now. Oh, Yeah, that's ok. Well, uh, thanks-- So, where were we?

Hey, bitch, wanna suck on my tooth?

JODIE: Peter, come on! I've got Maureen McCormick with me.

I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin.

Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.

Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

No, it's not! Yeah! Are you out of your mind?

Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)

Very good, indeed. I hope it enjoys it as much as that Maine lobster I ordered. And over there is the Rhode Island State House, the second largest self-supporting marble dome in North America. Why the fuck am I doing this? I could've just said I did it. Sir, about your bill...

Oh, my God! What is that smell?

If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right.

(TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING)

The end of the world is coming.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight.

What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof?

Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that.

Are you trying to seduce me--

Glenfiddich. Love her! Oh, you know what? I'll just sterilize it in the scotch. You just sterilize it in the scotch. Why didn't... It's... Bitch, sterilize that bitch up, you know? I don't know why I told Matthew that I liked The Bounty Hunter 'cause I hated it. But I just wanted him to like me in that moment.

Looking good. Almost done. And there. Done. (WOMEN GASP) What have you done? I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard.

Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS)

(GRUNTS) Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo! You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing!

Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)

W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!

Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.

Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that... And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its." A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from? Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal. I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake."

Hey, dog, when you take a break from re-applying your lipstick, how about taking me to the park? My lipstick? What? (CHUCKLING) Oh. Oh, right, right. Right, because of my penis. Yeah, that's--that's-- that's fantastic. Lois, Brian won't take me to the park. Then he talked about his ding-dong.

Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico!

I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

And look, there's Winston Churchill! Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit. Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

(PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.

But you should have some before the other kids get to it. What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad. Salad? How do you make a salad?

The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say no to a fast food restaurant and eat a salad instead. To say, "I will eat this salad with pride. "I don't care if I look like a gay person." So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say thank you.

(WHIRRING) Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me.

What do you want most in the whole world? In the whole world, you say? Oh, What the hell.

Tell me that's not epic.

Lois, I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about.

Well, then I guess now we're even. What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you! You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois? Chemistry class? Freshman year? Joycie?

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game!

Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.

Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family. You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you.

No, no. No, I'm abstinent!

Stewie, I've told you before,

The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette." Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter.

(DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family. (GRUNTS) Does anyone need the remote? Oh, my God! What the hell happened to Stewie? Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now.

(EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah!

No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama. MALE ANNOUNCER: What happens when a 40-year-old woman asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby? Push, Angie, push! Push harder... Oh, it's dead.

(BRIAN EXCLAIMING) See you, Stewie. Brian, please, can I go with you? It's so boring here. For the last time, you can't come with me. Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl?

All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get $100 toward a boob job that you desperately need. I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss. Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile.

I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs. I did okay. ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled!

It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world

Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years, but that's gonna change. It's gonna be different from now on. And I'm gonna make you into a better person, starting first thing tomorrow. Just passing through. See anything you like, speak up.

(SNIFFING) Oh, my God, Joe was here. Yeah, he just left. I know. I can feel him. I can smell him. Mmm! I can taste him. Okay, I get the smell part. But, Meg, I think we have to have a talk.

Well, Peter Griffin is no loser!

(Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

Because Jillian deserves better. She has feelings, you know, and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian.

That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you.

But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Mr. Griffin, are you ok? I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5. It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh!

Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!

And how long has this been going on?

Oh, What brilliant parenting, Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I might asphyxiate myself, just to teach you a lesson. Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois,

Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209? 209? That flight left half an hour ago. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That plane is going down.

And now back to A&E's Biography, Twinkee the Kid.

MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.

You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. now, I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula? Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies! My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth. With all respect.

So this is where the first guy got AIDS.

(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.

f ha ve erectile dysfunction.

What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

Why don't we ever get any good food?

Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do. Yeah. Except for the time Dad hit that deer. Yeah, it looks like it's just a ding. There's no reason to involve the insurance companies. I should still take down your information. Really? 'Cause You could probably just buff that out. Yeah, but I...

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor.

In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat!

Don't relax yet, Rupert, those fighters had to have been coming from somewhere. Oh, my God!

Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Meg.

We're projecting 10 billion within five years. Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason. Do they eat just, like, regular food? No, no, no, the opposite.

Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience,

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why?

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off!

Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok?

which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F.

You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

Gorgeous guys like us don't have to wait in line. Haven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person. Yeah. You know, come to think of it... Hi, I'm on a scavenger hunt. And I need a human foot. Well, as a rule, I would say no, but ok, come in.

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights.

A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

Brian? Hey, princess. I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know? (SNIFFLING) Oh, God, you hear that?

You got fired for racist drawings. I guess. Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle. I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.

This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?

Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that.

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Sunday afternoon movie, Masturbator and Commander. (KNOCKING) Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us. CAPTAIN: I'll be right out. Sir, we've already lost 10 men. Hang on. Sir, don't you think we should return fire? Yeah, yeah, go ahead and do that, and I'll meet you up there in, like, five minutes.

You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"? No, I just repress it. As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

Holy crap. We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get TV back to the way it was. Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian. (DINGS) I think I just got an idea. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) I got glass in my face. Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. (DINGS) I got it. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch.

(IN SHOCKED TONE) What?

Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah!

Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse. How do you propose we settle this?

Oh, this is just awful.

Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not. So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What?

You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent.

Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."

...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way. Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here!

Dad, this says I gained weight.

(GROANS) Come on, math, you dick.

Are those new slacks? I got these on special at Caldor.

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!

Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.

We did it. Job well done. And We're not stuck together anymore. Thank God! You said it. Do you Want to hold hands on the walk home? Yeah, sure. Oh, Susie! Thank God you're all right! Wait a minute. This isn't my little girl. Hey! That was my wife! tee, hee! tee, hee!

There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

"Lewd", "obscene", and "a little blurry", just some of the words used to describe Lois Griffin's prurient pic. Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Yesterday, voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person they want running their schools. Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide.

What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter.

Excuse me, which one was Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork? Uh, I think it was that one. Give me cocaine!

Why the hell didn't I see it coming?

Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor. I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer.

Boy, the fish tank at daycare really nailed it.

Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house! I am the worst mother in the world! Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! Ok. Um, This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan.

What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING) Meg, that was awesome.

I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some. Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink. I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep, then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What?

Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois.

Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh...

Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn, and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers. Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug. Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia Airport,

- You didn't do it. - You didn't do it, either. Okay, okay. This time we really have to do it. - Okay, all right. You ready? Okay, okay. - Okay. - One, two. - One, two. You want me to kill myself and you're not going to.

Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! Ahh!

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her.

Where to find a Baum, or Stein, or Stein to teach me how to whine and do my taxes

Olive juice you, too. All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial. If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain.

Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick! Bon Jovi, everyone. Now I remember why I left Newport! It changes people. You kids have lost your values. You've lost your mind!

If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny.

Mia Farrow? What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? Oh, leave me alone. Get over here, young man. Damn it all.

Ha! Kind of tickles. Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! in other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought. in a recent 12-day study...

I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.

I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable. Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!

T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company. Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini. What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows.

Oh, check out this uptight Asian guy. Look at that. (SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY) "I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)

You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake.

Yes, it was 35 years ago today that James Veteran stood up to City Hall and said, "I demand a parade in my name." And after a heated bidding war with Edward Memorial and Reginald Aprilfools, he got his wish. And here comes the parade! First up, a float from the Veterans of Future Wars.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Oh, my. What a lovely room. Oh, And it's so clean.

All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson. You always want to be aware of other cars on the road. If you catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him. This guy's asking for it. But Dad... I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice. Ok.

Boy, who the hell lives all the way out here, huh?

Oh, this is gonna be great! We'll stay up late, trade stories. Let's watch the video of my ballet recital. Here it is! (EXCLAIMING)

Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over.

Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go! Or what? Or... I don't know, man, but you're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean.

Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank. You know, you don't... You don't deserve... You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian. Tell me why

Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.

What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop!

You're not going to get away this time, you son of a bitch.

(RITA SCREAMING) Was that your boob? God, no! I think I broke my hip. Oh, my God, what should I do? Call the number on my bracelet. It says "Murray Hill 4185." That's not enough numbers! That's the number, Brian. Just dial 0 and read it to Sarah. Jesus Christ!

You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle.

We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Go get 'em, JoE!

Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something,

Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show. It's on, like, channel 100 or something. Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies.

Oh, no, I... So was I, but, you know, I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women?

Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes. You're all coming down to the station with me. Oh, crap! Hang on, hang on, you guys. Don't worry. I know how to speak this guy's language. Keith Urban. Go on.

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did!

Well, will you look at me?

Meg seems to think she's taking some kind of stand here, that's gonna make us all feel like we're inadequate.

WOMAN: Hey, Griffin! (CROWD GASPS)

Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry!

They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want! (CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart." "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other, "fart both knew that, "with love fart truth fart courage,

(LAUGHING) Oh, no, she didn't. (DOORBELL DINGING) Pizza for Adam West. No! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon! This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher.

(GASPS) What are you doing here?

Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please.

I'm gonna keep you for an experiment. Ho-ho! Eggs. Who came first, the chicken or the porn star? Ho-ho! The Porn Identity. Who am I? Oh, yeah, the pizza man. (MIMICKING '80S PORN SOUNDTRACK) Ho-ho! Peter, can you pass the coffee? Sure, Brian the dog. Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING)

Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa!

Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. (THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING) Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail.

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!

Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot?

We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time.

No? Okay, well, maybe next week.

I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy. Attention, President Griffin. As you may presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks.

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!

Lies the seed That with the sun's love In the spring Becomes the rose

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?

Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there.

Holy crap! Oh, My God!

We interrupt this program with a special report. Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child.

Okay now, sweetie. This isn't gonna hurt at all. (YELLS IN PAIN) Those lying bastards at Johnson & Johnson! We'll put, "No more tears" on the label.

you should've told me. This is hot! Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you.

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid.

What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on. Mmm-hmm. The black dolphins. See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down. I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson. And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line.

MALE NARRATOR: In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention. These men promptly returned home and drank some beer. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The A-Team. (MACHINE GUN FIRING)

Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch. Come on. You-- H-h-hey-- Hey! None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No! No! You've had yours!

I can fly! OH, My God! ahh!

Peter, can you reach that box of rice? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, sorry, Lois. (LAUGHING) Oh, that rice got you, bitch. Hey, Stewie's laughing. Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that? Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice? Ow! I misjudged you, fat man.

They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was. Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey! (BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING) Don't worry, Rupert. I know how to get him out of his funk.

So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)

That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!

I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2... aah!

Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb, so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died.

Brian, what are you doing down there? They didn't set a place for me. Not a dog family. Oh. Go away. Go away, you.

My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING) RED: Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved,

Well, if you can't beat them... (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. Call me Major General Captain. Now you eat up. I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made. Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. I call the white meat. I call the dark meat. I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No!

I love you. Fuck off.

Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there?

I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here.

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny.

That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast!

On that crazy king's highway Too much passion Too much play We went dancin', dancin', dancin'

Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING) All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!

So is that why we came here? Were you gonna end it? No, I was just putting money in my Christmas club. God, I have to get one of those. You know, last year I only had $30 saved when the holidays came around. I was so embarrassed. I think I gave Meg tape. Well, you're the only person I've ever told this to.

Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do!

I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Fast Animals, Slow Children. Come on, guys. Wait up. oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs.

Jeez, Lois. I spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing around. How about a little me time?

One's an innie, and one's an outie.

Holy crap, Chris! What the hell? I put you in charge of the food. The raccoons were here. See? OoH, We're a bunch of sneaky little animals. We're gonna wreck this food and eat it 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy. Let's get him in trouble with his dad. Ha! Ha! Ha! Somehow I'm less than surprised.

You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion.

You know, I know your head must be turned upside down by this whole Peter thing.

Not tonight, I'm not! (LOUD CHEERING)

if you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angeles, Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island. Hey, Maybe Stewie could get on that show.

Mrs. Lockhart, I don't think I can do this. What? Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco!

Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude.

Like, literally no idea. I don't know what a hollaback girl is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47-year-old fish dog.

Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango & Cash. So just Pay ft Forward and we'll all be Happy Gilmore. What?

Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!

Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

Well, there's a whole section of the Torah dedicated to burning down your business. Right after the chapter on writing complaint letters that will result in compensatory merchandise.

(SHOUTS) What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! Hey, what the hell? What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? You want to go? Go? What are you talking about? I'm talking about go. That's what I'm talking about!

Now, we're going to do what we should have done in the first place. Get on. Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived.

Hey, Give me my purse, you psycho! Let's see. Makeup, chewing gum, a picture of Meg in a 2-piece swimsuit.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?

Oh, my God, this sucks.

Peter, the water's rising fast! We gotta get outta here!

Peter, These people are worshipping you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that? A being who's all-knowing and all-powerful? Someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself. Not me, Peter. God. The real God. What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God.

(SHOUTING) Meg, sweep that up. Just get a broom. Sweep that up.

I don't know what else... Wait. Wait. (CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No! No!

MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair of us to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy?

Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet. "I dropped it at the concert." "The hooker took it." "It's with my other family." That one was true. And let me tell you something, they appreciate me for who I am. All right, Peter, have a good business trip.

Where the hell are they taking us? I don't know, but I got a bad feeling. (BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin? Any what? "Anacin"? Yeah, Anacin. Do they even make Anacin anymore? Yeah, it's still around. Why? No, it just seems like sort of a '70s medication. So you don't have any Anacin? No.

Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you? Live with me?

Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you. Hey, well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it. Well, still, good for you. So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place.

What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?

Thank you. Now, Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children? uh, uh...

(SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable.

PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois.

Lois, I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight.

You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders. T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company. Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini.

Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs!

I see. And you really feel that way? Yeah. I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance.

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car!

Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop. Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay. (STAMMERING) Yes, I am. Well, I'm something 'cause I've been at full-sail for the last half hour.

Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town. Yeah, but I told them it was part of a geological survey. (CHUCKLES) Batman, Batman. They built a Lazy Susan for your nuclear car. That's something they consider conversation-worthy.

Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant.

A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat

Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!

You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked--

MAN 1: It's ball three, low and outside to Ramirez. MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base. MAN 1: The crowd's enjoying it, and it looks like the umpire's gonna let them finish. CLEVELAND: (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

A little service here!

I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest. Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.

Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart. Hey, Stewie, play Haydn. Now play Handel.

Hey, Quagmire? QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter. Hey, listen, we're at the movies and they're showing the trivia cards and there's a question up there that's just stumping us. It's, "What color is this?" QUAGMIRE: Well, what color is it?

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

You suck! See you in 3 days. Let's go. Oh, Crap. We gotta disappear. And quick! Maybe we should've jumped on that truck.

Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!

If you'll turn to Page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, which I can tell are... Okay, okay. Yeah, all right. You know what? I'm in a meeting. I'll call you back. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. So, what are we talking about here? Well, before you... (PHONE RINGING) Oh, I'm sorry. F, what's up? No, no. I can talk. En garde!

We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated. Whoo. Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group.

Who the fuck is this queer?

Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom!

Chris is gonna be so gay by the end of this.

(SIGHS) All right, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven.

Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here. Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.

You're fired! Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home.

I mean, what's the purpose.... Shiny red ball. Peter, watch out! So what can I do for you, Peter?

(SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid.

All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that. (ALL SCREAMING)

Aw, Come on! He'll call back! Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself!

And if you find yourself With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis

I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine!

I'll tell you what it's about. It's about you and Ross Fishman! What? I saw you with him the other day, breaking the 5th commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois! Oh, That's it! Peter, you're suffocating me with your jealousy. I can't take it anymore. I'm calling a marriage counselor. I mean, I can't even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out!

I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No! KEVIN: Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. But I can't say the same for my bunkmates. There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. So that was my chance to disappear.

Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't!

(CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! Just use a dish towel! There aren't any, Brian!

So, what happened? Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay.

What? Who? What are you doing here? Uh, Peter and Lois are, uh, getting intimate. My God! I--I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them! Wah! Wah! Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman.

Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier. Well, you could always grab the vacuum and clean up the living room floor. Oh, sure, I'll take care of that. Are you running off to your job? Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We'll bring him down, Mom.

Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it,

Very well, then.

He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.

Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless. And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it. I guess I thought that if I could bring you down, you wouldn't start to notice that you're too good for me and run off looking for another fella. Peter, that's ridiculous. I love you.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control. Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.

You 2, fight to the death!

That's the old pee pad from my crib. Uh, Lois, you might want to check this out. What is it, Brian? Take a look. And now, boys and girls, it's time for Petey's Funhouse. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING)

Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there! Always nice to meet a fan of my movies. Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle!

"You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" (CROWD LAUGHING) (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh?

So, the thing about dolphin lullabies is that they're all in the key of "E." (LAUGHING) E! That's loud. I get why that's factual. I don't see why it's funny. Hey, hey! What the hell, man?

What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

I don't know, I've lost track. Besides, dogs don't have a good sense of time. Could be three hours, could be three years, I don't fucking know. Well, we must be pretty far north by now.

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal.

Who wants chowder?

When you read Faust you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in A scary voice like this! Is that the way your Mommy reads iT? I do not miss that ogresS. She can burn in hell for all I care! Sure she can. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "I've grown accustomed to her face

Yeah. Merry Christmas. It has all my fucking contacts in it.

Peter, come closer. There's something I need to say to you. I'm here, Dad. What is it? Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead.

What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself.

Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"... and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter.

I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture. Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks!

Son of a bitch. (MR. NIGHT PLAYING) I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. You have selected 300! If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now. No! You have confirmed 300.

Never gonna give MAN: I didn't like any of that.

That coffee mug you have on your desk that says, "Life's a beach"...

No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

What's moose stuff?

- Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this? There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes. - It's working. - Just need a little more....

Shape of Jayna's tampon. PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts?

Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh.

Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse. How do you propose we settle this? - We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal.

No. Are you insane?

Rodney, did you take out the trash? Um, I forgot. (GROANING) (LAUGHING) Oh, no, she didn't.

Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now. Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey. What is it, Lois? I--I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore.

I feel right, Brian. I feel right. Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house? She won't care, Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.

Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her out front, center stage. And that's gonna make y'all billionaires... because America loves hot, white jailbait ass. Wait a minute. That's the smartest thing I've ever heard... anyone say about anything.

A lot. A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS!

So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh? What do you mean? I mean crying and wetting yourself. You looked ridiculous. You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead. How was your bowel movement, Peter? I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker.

Crap! Crap! Crap!

All right, Brian. I understand. Good. I'm gonna grab Stewie and then we can go. What's that Brian? Oh, you were just kidding? I knew you were. I love you, too, Brian, and you love me. You do love me, Brian.

Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad.

Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow. Damn these worms. Ow, this itch. Brian, what the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just some Pilates.

I just have no conception of how it's done.

(CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium.

Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain! Thanks Ollie. And Finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. Trisha?

Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go.

Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.

Why don't you just shut up for about a week?

Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses!

Who the hell are you guys? We're the A-Team.

And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls.

Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it! Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables! Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!" I don't know any more vegetables.

You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today!

Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now. Really? Wow! Hey, So I guess this honeymoon was just the kind of excitement our marriage needed. Huh? I guess it just goes to show that you-- Shut up and let's do it!

They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant.

(EXCLAIMS) If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill!

Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell!

All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.

It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later.

stuck thorns in my head, nailed me to a piece of wood, shoved a sponge full of vinegar in my mouth and killed me. Then they put me in a hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days, and come Sunday, bam, I rise from the dead. Okay, that sounds like a nutty weekend, but I can top it. So, me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort, right?

I'll also be able to finance my Christmas album. (ANNOUNCER) Sessions presents, a Peter Griffin Christmas.

Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her. You got any weed? I put it in your coat pocket. Here she is. Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening. How do I look, Brian? Uh, you sure do, Meg.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

(BRAYING) (BRAYS IN REPLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!

You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it?

(ALL LAUGHING) They're our rivals.

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Peter, can you reach that box of rice? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, sorry, Lois. (LAUGHING) Oh, that rice got you, bitch. Hey, Stewie's laughing. Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that? Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice? Ow!

Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it.

I'm going in. Cover me, Porkins. Having a little trouble here.

Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed. Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here!

Ew! That's the ugliest thing the fat man's grown since that horse leg.

Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

Oh, God. I, uh, I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me, while I touched myself. Oh, come on. Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

And like I always say, "Remember, you know enough." G.I. Jose

Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched! duh! Ahh!

Honey, we can't bathe, We can't do laundry. There's no heat. We can't live like this forevER. It's not forever. You know, it's just, uh... It's juSt, uh... Y'know... Peter, I'm up here. Oh, Sweetie. Maybe you should go over to Joe's and return his pool, huh? Forget it! We're a real country.

I had almost gathered enough evidence to put Briggs away for good, but I knew a taped confession would make the case a slam dunk. This is gonna take us to the next level. We're gonna be banging so many hot chicks with jeans up to their navels. Bobby Briggs, you're really good at heroin. How much heroin is here, Bobby Briggs? Why are you talking like that? Are you wearing a wire?

There's only one thing to do. You're right. We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, ok? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. What's that, Peter? Nothing. Oh, The lost-my-job smells great. What? Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence? Peter, are you feeling ok?

I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right. ahh!

Kids, kids. You're both... Just awful.

No, actually. I got arrested for protesting the Walmart opening. Oh, yeah. I went to the first part of that, but then some fireworks went off and I ran for two miles straight. (LAUGHS) I'm Denise. I'm Brian. Hey, would you mind if I asked for your number? Who knows? Maybe we could get arrested together.

But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9. For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V. since you got home from work.

Now you're addicted to heroin. I'm cold. Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw-- Peter!

Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house. That seems fair to me. Chris, you have damaged this man's property. And until you pay off the debt, you'll do whatever job he wants you to do. And at the end of the day, if you're exhausted and your face is dripping wet, well, that just means you did a good job.

Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now! I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you.

Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to... Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown. Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of "S"... "T"... "D"s!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Um, i--I guess "problem drinker." But that's-- Thank you. Now, "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something"? Well, "Sexual deviant," but that other one's not even-- Thank you. Now, Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children?

Boy, who the hell lives all the way out here, huh? Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices.

Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow.

Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."

Real happiness because we have each other. Yeah.

Ollie? I saw a fish!

Murder? What are you talking about?

You're pregnant, Meg, and there's only one thing to do.

That was a delicious dinner, Glenn. I didn't know you could cook. Well, when a fella's been alone as long as I have, he learns to take care of himself. Well, you're a very sweet friend,

(SNIFFING) Hey. Hey! Psst!

Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Oh, look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him. Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper. Good, 'cause she looked fat.

Meg! What happened to you? She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there. It's really sad and a tiny bit funny. Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high. Now I'm messed up, too.

Where did you get that?

Lois You can't spell "love" without "L," "O" You can't spell "is" without "I," "S" You can't spell "silo" without Lois And solo from the pet rock!

My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once." My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" We didn't measure! We dIdN't measure!

Hey, what are those guys doing? Those are the McMurphy brothers. They've been circling that same spot for 50 years, just daring each other to throw the first punch. Just you try it. Oh, I'll try it. Just you try it. You'll feel it when I try it. - I'd like to see you have at it. - Would you now?

(EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake. Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? Well, I just... Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but... What is it, Peter? You're getting kind of fat. What? It's just... It's not healthy. Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape 3 times a week.

Jock! Start the engine! Get the plane up!

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay? (GRUNTING)

Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.

I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

Okay, look, I'm happy to do that. (STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just... Look, what I was saying... Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team. But he wishes to know what compensation you offer. Uh. Me love you long time.

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to. Do you remember who it was?

Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations. (ALL GROAN) Make it blue. That's always been the deal! You show whatever you want, but you make it blue! Come on. You got to help us out.

Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club. You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. I got A carton of cigarettes. old man grabbed me, said, "Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're grrreat!" Bastard.

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

(SIGHS) You know what? Fine. I'm just gonna assume this will pass, like your everywhere-is-a- racquetball-court phase.

Good. Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.

Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life.

Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade oh, You're one to talk. You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What?

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this.

You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house.

Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy. I'm gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some more exercise.

And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes, but little did you know, you've had herpes all along. I didn't want herpes! Oh. Well, you've got it. Yes, I'd like to see the army recruiter.

God, it's so damn hot. Hey, I got an idea. Let's make scalding asphalt angels. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Second-degree burns, first-degree fun. Geez, how long we got to stand out here like this? Till Briggs comes through. You know, I was thinking about that, Joe. If Briggs is driving here, that's 2,000 miles.

Your number one, dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson. All right, tooth whore, do your worst. (ALARM RINGING) A-ha! Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise?

I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Peter, the horse is here.

Now I'm forever lost! Well, I bet a thick, juicy steak could help fill that hole, huh? (CRYING) Oh, come on! It'll be great. Listen, Glenn, I want us to be friends. I think we could be an even better team than Lewis and Clark and the guy who likes to rip up maps.

I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air!

Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep.

You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right. My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don't work out. I'm going home. Where's Brian? Listen, I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL. Can you help me out?

Oh, God, that is disgusting. I'm finally starting to peel. I'm telling you, Brian, my tanning days are over. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage to my skin. I wouldn't be so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before. What the devil! Where did that come from? Brian, what is that? I don't know. Of course, your sunburn was pretty bad.

(GASPS) Get down! Rush Limbaugh? What's he doing coming out of Michael Moore's house at this hour? Unless... Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's true! Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh!

Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends. That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen. And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.

oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running?

All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now. That's it? Fish food? That's your ace in the hole? Oh, God! Oh! Oh!

Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor. That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food? Well, actually, this dinner honors all of you. Where should I begin? You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian,

The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees. Uh... The flight's going to be a little longer than we have expected. Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off. (BEEPING) What the hell?

No, you listen, Brian! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you. What? When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding that she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up, I'll let you take that one for me, Brian.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar!

I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY) You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.

That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going.

All right, hang on. Here we go. This is the exact moment in 1984 that I sent you to the first time. You've just got to manage not to screw it up again. Lois! Oh, my God, it's so good to see you!

Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! Oh, I'll leave you to grieve.

Hey, Stewie, wanna go down the slide?

Why are you naked?

Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut. Actually, you know something, Peter, this could be an opportunity for you. What do you mean? Well, Lois's dad is loaded. You could probably get him to pay through the nose to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter. Huh! I never thought of it like that.

Connie, it's so nice to meet you. We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner. It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Griffin. Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today.

Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.

WEll, fraSier, You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa. Huh. This is the smartest show on T.V. Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no penis! Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction?

But then he started saying things to me that my father might say if he were still alive,

His arms look like pillows With cake mix inside God's man-boobs are flabby And they hurt when he jogs

Peter, what the hell is going on? You fired everybody at Daddy's company? You bet. Are you out of your mind? Keep it up, Lois, I might fire you. You wouldn't. Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you? Okay, I'll behave. Yes, you will.

I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body. Well, we thought of that. PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no!

Uh, I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker. Hey-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah hey-yah, hey I'm so happy doing the neutron dance hey-yah, hey-yah, hey I'm just burning doing the neutron dance And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee.

No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh. - Can we leave it with someone, because... - No, no.

Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs!

Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're like a black woman in hindsight. I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.

and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain-dead, it'll come rushing out to change the channel. And when he does, I'll grab his hand and yank him out of there.

Francis, we were watching that.

Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here!

Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox.

He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie.

They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson. He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover. Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying that he's dead, 'cause those are already printed. You know what? Send one to my parents, too. I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise.

(MACHINE BEEPS) (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello, Alan Rickman. It's Alan Rickman reminding you to move the pork chops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they defrost properly. Do not disappoint me.

And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption. (PRISONERS CLAMORING)

And they seem to think I'm Sum 41. All the small things... That's Blink-182. Sum 41 is the band that married Avril Lavigne. Oh... Huh!

The president's dog just had puppies!

Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts. When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so. Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up, and eventually it all works out.

37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there. You been lifting weights? No. No, I don't... I don't think... No. I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back.

All clear, sir. Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like. (SCREAMING)

I really like this restaurant.

You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your... Oh, my! I--I liked you the way you were. You're not even real anymore. You're-- Peter, Did you get a new buttocks? I had to. My old one had a crack in it. Well, I couldn't be more angry with you. ohhh!

(BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring. Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom.

Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us. Come on, drink me. What are you waiting for? Yeah, you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp. Get to the chopper.

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Yeah. I gotta find me the stink lodge! ahh!

He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards. Some will win

heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along? Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism. What? What?

It seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time working on that novel you've been working on. (SCREAMS) You know... (CELL PHONE RINGING) This is Brian. Brian, this is Wellesley Shepherdson. I'm calling from The New Yorker. Perhaps you've heard of us?

one time when he was a freshman. undefinedDoesn't his dad live in Hartford? " think so. My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go back to my place and rent a dirty movie. This is ridiculous.

Easy, Joe. (GROANS) Sorry. Just making mental memories for when you're all inevitably dead and I'm left alone. Geez. Quagmire, help me out with this. No, he's right. I mean, sometimes chicks die and it's not anyone's fault. Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner. (SWITCHES OFF TV) 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason.

Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

Whoa! Solar eclipse. Blocking the sun.

Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!

Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog. Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens. Old nuns. Really old nuns. Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go. - All right. - You did good. Good.

Look, it's not that big a deal, all right? We just... We just made out a little. (EXCLAIMING) Tell me about it. Go! It didn't mean anything. I had a few too many and... It's not even worth going into. Oh, this is an even bigger jackpot than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue.

But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way.

Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00.

Oh! Good heavens! Man, your accent is sexy. This is all moving very quickly. I'm afraid I'm a little light-headed. You must think I'm a fool. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on too strong. Oh, that's all right. I've been missing a man's touch, lo these many months. And I've been missing a woman's touch.

It's, "What color is this?" QUAGMIRE: Well, what color is it? That's what I'm asking you. QUAGMIRE: I don't understand, Peter. You're there. Look, maybe you don't understand. This is like the trivia thing before the movie where they got, like, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that.

Two shakes, that's it. Move along. Oh. Why, thank you, tinkle fairy.

God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.

My Pet Goat, page one. "'You know,' said my pet goat, "'I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, "'but I just don't have the time.'"

Oh! Magnificent! I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie? Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself! Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this.

Stewie's having fun.

Really? They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players! All right, Mom! Are you gonna do it? I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I--I need a moment to think.

What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know. I see. Your silence says it all.

Just remember, whatever you do, don't tell Chris I'm dating. Peter, Lois has been dead for a whole year. You're gonna have to tell him sometime. (SHUSHING) Hi, Dad. Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today? Nope. Sorry, Chris. She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing? Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just... When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough, you just, I don't know, lose sight of the rest of the world. Brian, she's my wife, and you're my best pal.

And I have to get tickets, Brian!

There it is boys, the Fountain of Youth. Just like I told you. Well, that was worth the 8-year boat ride.

(GASPS) Holy crap! Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny!

Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and... Hey, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Okay, so if we can all be mature... Give me the gum. We can all get through this a lot faster.

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it.

Did you bring enough breasts for the rest of the class?

All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual.

And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America.

That's why I keep it by the phone. I think what this is, is simple exploitation of the American people who could be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful, like legitimate healthcare that they actually need.

JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!

(GASPS) Ahhh! (RETCHING)

Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside,

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow.

And now our next item. Direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat. Oh, man! That's perfect! $12,000! $13,000! $25,000! uh, Sold for $25,000! Yes! Aw, Crap!

And they're both "Smokin'!" I loved that in Mask. "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?

I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night.

You... You gave me a home when I didn't have one. And you've treated me like a family member ever since. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I'd probably be dead anyway, lying under some freeway overpass. And I... I wanna... I wanna return the favor. After all, I'm... I'm a dog. I have another eight years, at best.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick? Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it.

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING) I don't wanna wait

Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing. Oh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl. I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points.

Hi, um, Ah... Ugh.

Meg, take Stewie upstairs.

I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself. Lois, what was I gonna do? It was either do it their way or get canceled. Well, at least then you would have had your integrity.

How could you let me down like that, Brian? Oh, I let you down. Why? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the good dog? This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. This and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet. Oh, oh, One time I did that! One time!

My house is made of mediocrity. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, guys. I want you to know I'm raising my reward to $50 for anyone who can help me find James. No questions asked. I killed your cat.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. More trouble in the skies over Quahog tonight, as a Transnational jet is apparently out of control. Channel Five has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you.

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox.

I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me

I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down. And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town. That should be me everyone's talking about! Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep.

Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time.

Oh, my God! We're going down. (ALL SCREAMING)

But I just have one small request. I like Dateline, but I really hate waiting two hours to find out who the killer is. MAN: Tonight on Dateline, a woman murdered. Was it her ex-boyfriend? Yes, it was. I knew it. I knew it was the ex-boyfriend.

To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things. You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a 17-year-long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago.

You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this. Hi, Mr. Herbert. Here's your paper. Oh. Sorry, Chris, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel my subscription.

We're pretty good at this. We're like six for eight. Is there anything we can do? Well, fortunately, the ship runs on autopilot. We just need some time to figure out your coordinates and calculate the reentry plan. So just try to stay calm and we'll figure this all out. By the way, you're all quite famous now. You're on every news channel. Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams.

Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light.

Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?

And now you're going to have to watch me walk out that door.

Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at least stand by your dump.

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad!

That makes you cool. Wanna hang out with us? - Sure. - Hey, I'm here to pick you up. Here we are, fellas. Our first major gig. Peter, this is a house of corrections. You gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.

(GASPS) Dr. House? Indeed, Lois. If you don't mind, I'll address you in my natural speaking voice, as I've grown so weary of doing an American accent. Do you want to come to my Big Bang viewing party next week? Daddy, you don't have to do that anymore. I know, I know. I like it now.

ahh! No! Don't!

but I was kind of hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down. I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? (SNIGGERS) Still drinking.

"I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke. And... Okay, this is not something that should ever have been attempted.

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Got to make you understand

Now Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms. Lost 'em! Dag-blasted Lincoln lovers! Anyone seen my foot?

Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Say, Do you ever get lonely? Yes. Me, too. Hold me. if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away. But Wait a minute. I thought guns were bad. False! Guns are good.

If he gives us a good review, the doors are gonna fly open!

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE?

So, why exactly do you want this separation? Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower. The elephant's trunk was on full blast.

You don't think... That fat bastard murdered her, didn't he? That son of a bitch. He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz. You know, the subway vigilante from the '80s? I used to do a bit about him back when I was doing stand up. What else is in the news? Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz, you hear about this?

Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe. But you can't leave now. You're a natural leader and we... Hey. Did you guys order some ice? 'Cause I got a bag of ice here.

The dog just told me to shut up. I demand to know what you plan to do about this. Hey! Hey! the dog just told me-- Be quiet, Stewie. Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg!

am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now. Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point? Ah! I've heard about that place.

Ha! Slut! How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me!

Well, Meg, you got your job back. Actually, Chris, I don't. I really appreciate what you did for me, but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. The important thing is that you stood up for me, and I won't forget it. Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back.

Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are here to take what's ours. Well, I mean, technically it's yours, but we don't feel like you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it anyway.

- Your iPhone? - Yeah. I made you a playlist of songs that I like. Who is this I am hearing? It's Avril Lavigne. Why does she shout at me? I don't know. Most of my music I just get pressured to buy. Thank you for this gift, Meg.

Oh, and we heard from Ruth's parents.

I declare this land Quahog!

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over?

For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V. since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family? I will, during the commercials. And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter.

PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water? (SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut. (SIGHS) Who would have thought it would be this hard to replace Cleveland?

Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine. Whoa, ho, ho! Sweet Mary!

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off. (DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.

Just getting my bronze on, baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just Tanned Stewie being Tanned Stewie. Check me out, Brian. (FIZZ)

All right! Raise some hell!

Someday, a white man's gonna be elected President again.

Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant?

It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE) - We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic.

"So I took her head and stuck it by my butt "and blew a huge fart right back at her."

Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview. So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son?

Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian! Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here! I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead.

This is amazing.

Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing Down's Syndrome girl

Right on! Let's do it!

I wasn't invited!

Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

"but you're still my reliable old plow horse "who's there each day to pull the plow, to help around the barn, "and let the husband horse slap a batch into her now and then." Well, I guess that's it. I love you, sweetheart. And I have a lovely gift of the batch-slapping variety waiting for you when I'm just the right amount of drunk.

All right, a bike! I'm out of here!

Ahh! And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask. Oh, Peter! You look like you! I can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was. Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS)

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming. Not about kicking your fat ass!

No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

why, with all the two-armed youngsters waiting in the minor leagues, does this team stick with an armless second baseman? JERRY: And he hasn't had a hit in ever. In ever, Jerry. In ever.

(SOBBING) Now go to sleep, the both of you. PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. (PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.

But I'm a modern vampire duck who hangs around with Anna Paquin and drives around in a black Mercedes.

Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Tom! Tom Tucker! Tom! The news isn't funny. It's not supposed to be funny. Tom, who were you having dinner with in there? Was it a guy? Are you gay? Someone said you were gay. It was me. Are the rumors I'm making up true? Ignore me if you're gay.

(GUN FIRES) (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, the President's been shot. If you ask me, the President's the lucky one. How's that? He doesn't have to sit through the rest of the show. (GUN FIRES)

Oh, Good luck, sweetness.

Very well, then. You leave me no choice but to declare war! So be it. I'll do to you what B.C. does to comedy on a daily basis. CAVEMAN 1: Hey, why is Juan so happy? CAVEMAN 2: I think he finally figured himself out. CAVEMAN 1: Huh, I guess it takes Juan to know Juan. (LAUGHING)

I love you. I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without. Well, I... I love you, too, Stewie.

You should be a producer. A producer? Gee, I don't know. Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor--

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked.

As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that.

We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge?

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy. All right. Call me when you blow all your money. Love you, bye. (CARTER HANGS UP) All right, so how are we going to spend our winnings? I'm going to get some supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous. I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'! I'm going to get a floor mirror to squat over and see what's making all that noise.

We're gonna do some toad. You in? You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud.

which is like 200 9/11's. So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you. I'm just saying this war is wrong. Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. Your job is to follow orders. Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? They followed orders.

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

BONNIE: Joe, open the garage. I've earned this private time! Listen, I don't have time for this.

Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Dude, that is an amazing story. Hey, what if there were Korean pilots? Yeah. I'm not really looking for notes, but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't.

Hey, champ. I want you to have this pocket watch. It still works, even though it's got a lot of Civil War brains all over it. Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify Oh, yeah I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.

Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind the curtain of the V.I.P. room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone.

Do you have AIDS?

Reunited and it feels so good

Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it. You gotta da hot links? Come on, the Pope-a want-a da hot links. (GRUNTS) All right, who's ready for a campfire song, huh? Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame. It's not lame, Meg.

All right, Chris, Meg loves to listen to music when she sleeps. Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works.

(GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt.

Probably got her legs up in sadness. (WATER RUNNING) Listen to her now, washing her face off in the sink after crying so much. Probably got tears in her hair, poor thing. I'll go up and talk to her. Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg? You okay in there?

What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts. We'll scare the other guys out of the house. Then we can say that we spent the night. Everyone will think we're the bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. All right!

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment. I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the-- What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Oh, my God! A genie!

But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. Plus, I went to her first grade play that one time. Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle.

(PANTING) Hey, don't worry. I'm here. Robin? They sent you? Yeah. Everyone else was busy, so they sent me. What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers. Uh, I got a cell phone. Oh, no bars.

Do you still have the thing? Oh, my God, what a beautiful room. Paris is so incredible. I can't believe we're really here. I know.

(SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch.

I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!

even more than Julia Roberts loves herself. Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami.

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing?

It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.

And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night. Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk. Look, I know it seems like dirty work, but, Chris, you got to spread that seed until your sack is empty. And, Meg, you got to clear away all that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be. Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out. Well, flip it over, you can use both sides. (FANFARE)

What? What do you mean?

All right, Quagmire, clear your mind... Ooh. Soft hands. Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

Good night, buddy. Hey, what's the matter? I'm scared of the storm, Dad.

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

We're not here for him. We're here for you guys. You're under arrest for interfering with a police investigation. What? Yeah, what the hell? You should be out there arresting the real criminals. Like switchblade-wielding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk. Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?

What's going on, B minus?

Hello, everyone. Well, here we are, opening night. You know, somebody once told me that making movies was easy. Yeah. Yeah, you know what else is easy? Open heart surgery. FOUAD: (LAUGHING) Yes! Yeah, thanks for coming, Fouad. Oh! Is funny because open heart surgery not easy at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fouad.

He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours. How convenient! Blame it on someone else.

I love... You're so brave. I just love how brave you're being right now. This is like the closest I've ever felt to you. Okay. Oh, my God, I was thinking the same thing. We are so "us" right now. Do you know that? Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

Stay here in limbo. No, no, No, wait--Wait. I don't want to be in limbo! Ok. It says the next note will be right under my nose. And they're off! And quick out in front, Silver Dasher,

I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year, and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again? Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

I felt like Hitler just then. What? It was a joke. I just said I felt like Hitler. What? Nobody here's Jewish, right? Gee, I don't know. Are you Jewish, Gordon? I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian.

Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can.

I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen?

in nothing but a space helmet and moon boots. It just came to me. - You want some Tang, Mr. Spaceman? - Do I? Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains.

And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!

Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us.

There's so much... I... (SOBBING) Thank you, Quagmire. Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words.

Come on, a place where humans are in charge? I can't pass that up. Hey! Get away from there! (GRUNTING)

Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet.

Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous.

Did he? Yeah. And now every time you're sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.

THE BUTT: And that was Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris, which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets! WEENIE: That's right, Butt. Our fifth caller will ween those tickets! CHORUS: Fifth caller Caller number five MAN: Not four, not six WOMAN: (SEXILY) Oh, five MEN: (YELLING) Cinco! Cinco! Cinco! Hey, you know what, Rupert? You know what I should do, just, like, as a goof?

This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F.

(PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state

Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

So, Olivia. Beautiful day.

I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it.

Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt!

Check it out, guys. New driver's license. What's wrong with your picture? Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture."

Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint. Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart. You do?

Is what normal families say.

How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.

I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz We don't know what Christmas is!

Oh, Chris, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here, safe and sound. Me, too, Mom.

Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight. This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them.

but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven? If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer. I didn't kill anybody!

He shoots! He scores!

Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters.

(ALL SHOUT) (JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much! (SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt.

Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this. I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) I can't believe we lost the talent show. What'd we do wrong? Well, Dad, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked,

(THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf.

Yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said "no Portuguese," but... no Portuguese. So, I see here you worked for a family for a number of years. Can I call the Herculoids for a reference?

This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. There's no conflict in this movie! When are you gonna get rid of that stump? I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right? Just get off my back!

Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard.

(EXCLAIMING) (LET'S GET LOUD PLAYING) Let's get loud, let's get loud Turn the music up, let's do it, come on, people, let's get loud Let's get loud Turn the music up to hear that sound Let's get loud

Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, trust me. How many times have I done this before? All right, but be careful.

Very well then. If I can't stop them from the outside, I'll stop them from the inside!

daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt, and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means, and community activist. Go, Dad. He can't hear you. Go, Dad!

What the hell is going on up there? Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do.

Listen, I think you're a real nice guy, but I've just decided to go with another paper. Hello there, Kyle. You look nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Here's your paper. What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd!

I want to go and play hide-and-seek I want to go and bounce the moon

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS)

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative. My husband died of cancer last year. Oh, my God! Awesome. Okay, I'm sensing some other bad stuff. My daughter was just in an accident. Sweet! High-five! (GASPS) You're awful. Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park. (SIGHS) Okay. Okay, you made your point. I get it.

It's called "Toad."

Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

That might work. What's happening? I got it! Carter, somehow you and me are gonna find a way to get rich. Now you're talking my language. All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel,

I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door. (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy! Peter, you're not getting money for that or anything else. We're running seriously low on cash right now.

MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson, and for some reason, Steve Buscemi. Man, look at that Steve Buscemi. Every one of his teeth is in business for itself. You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell?

Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party.

So, uh, any possibility of tonight being the night we finally push the beds together. Good night, Brian. Come on. Jeez, enough with that already. You're like a dog with a bone. Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka. Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine.

The question is, who? Well, I know one person who could have. My partner, Tom. All right, it's true. James Woods ruined my career! I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down.

Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way. Well, somebody's got to step in. Tomorrow, I'm going down to James Woods High and offer to teach the class myself. Hey, you could really make a difference.

O is for the only one I see V is very, very extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me.

Really? No, he didn't really respond to it. Oh. Listen, I need your help. Run inside and get me a pair of scissors. - No. - Why not? Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup." - Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch. Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly.

I've been careless with a delicate man And it's a sad, sad world When a girl will break a boy just because she can I'm broken.

Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa? Why, I have a cell phone. So, we do have your cell phone! Well... It's... I have my cell phone. No, we have your cell phone. Give her the cell phone, Brian. (SIGHS) There you go. Merry Christmas!

Oh, How I envy them, dog. They've got their whole lives ahead of them. Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

Holy crip, he's a crapple! Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic? Ok, Joe, you got me. Rise and shine. Come on. Stand and deliver. Get the hell up. You're a hoot, Peter. Play ball! Let's do it!

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place,

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA? I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.

You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant? Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free....

ANNOUNCER: Jeff Bridges and Laura Linney in Danger In Cincinnati. We've got 24 hours before those terrorists set off that new type of bomb that makes an invisible explosion. What are we gonna do? Let's get back to headquarters. Should we take the helicopter? No, let's... Let's walk, it's a nice day.

It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

Look what the Lynches gave us. A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger. You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard. There is only another fist. That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris? You know, this place may be the upside to everything that's happened.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?

I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you! Uh, e-Excuse me, sir. Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely.

Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out. Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.

For me to poop on!

My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one.

Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite. Oh, Really? I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns. Good morning, Brian.

(YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Oh, God, I'm so nervous. I hope it goes well. Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot. Oh, God, please put your clothes back on. Mama... Mama... Do you love me now, Mama? Please love me, Mama!

Oh, my God! You can talk!

I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Get some! Get some!

I was overwhelmed.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time. The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, and everyone was making up their Christmas lists.

I finally stood up for all of us and told Miss Emily we should be given a proper lunch and not just what's left over from her Baja Fresh. And she said I shouldn't raise my voice and pulled me really hard into the other room, and my arm came out of its socket. Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom!

I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out! How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

(IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off!

They call me Bill yes, they call me Bill And I'm standing here on Capitol... Ohh!

Wait a minute, Rupert, there's a weapons systems cooling duct on the far side of the hull. If we can get just one good shot at it, we can blow that fat bastard out of the cosmos.

Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal? What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper? I'm just trying to eat here. What did you do to your mother's vagina? Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"? What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING) (SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

Cookie. Cookie.

If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." "The loif of the w--" No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!"

(CRAWLING RAPIDLY) STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

We must be getting close to the Pole. Look at all these igloos. Look, there's a Persian igloo that takes up the whole lot. My children are teaching your children to smoke at school.

Hey, Stewie, you up?

Yes, there is. You can live your life, Loretta. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can. I love you.

Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.

Did I say you could rest yet?

Hey, Griffin, down here. Yeah, it's a secret tunnel like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Look, here's your first week's pay. All right, CHRIS!

What? You cheated on me. That's what happened today. You can rationalize it any way you want, but to me, all that shows is that you're an immature guy who doesn't realize what a catch I am. I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go. - But, Rita... - Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.

Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?

(GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie! Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and... A lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and... Oh, here's where the story gets fun. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

FEMALE SINGER: Channel Five

Go do something else.

'Cause no one knows where he is. What? Well, that doesn't sound good. All right, I'm gonna go out and look for him. I'll take my Don Don. Well, I can't go outside. It's cold out there. You can't go out there in this weather. Your Don Don will freeze. Then I'll see you in hell! SOLDIER: Wait, Han. You'll need this. What? (SNICKERING) Bag of ice.

All right, hold on. Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for? So you can fuck dogs?

Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn! Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop. Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her!

I'm going to play this really loud tonight to get back at our Armenian neighbors. (MUSIC PLAYING) Hey. Hey, looks like a fun party. Um, hey, listen, it's 2:00 in the morning. Uh, when is your five-year-old going to go to sleep? Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves?

She had 9 S.T.D's.

Oh, no, you can't put your hand back up after you've put it down. You know what, never mind. Stewie, look at this. September 1, 1939. There's something about that date. I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass.

Hi. So, where are you from, Peter? I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island.

How am I funny? I don't know. You say funny things. No, No. I mean, I'm what? Am I George Carlin funny? Am I Spin City funny? Rita Rudner funny? What? Come on. Rita Rudner funny. Yeah. Rita Rudner funny. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.

...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one.

Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

I'll deal with them myself.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death!

But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door

- ...Chad Zachary... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Zach Chadwick... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Chadinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...C. Zachary Chad... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...and a live performance by Starburst, featuring N.Y.T.F.H.$. Plus we tally your text votes for the Biggest Whiff! and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

My mother? Oh, no. That's... That's impossible.

Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

Peter, You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there. Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise. Then at least let me drive! Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. heh, A woman driving. That's adorable. Peter, I don't think... Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car!

MAN: I didn't like any of that. Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story.

You gonna eat that? Yes, the day can begin. Good morning, Brian. Now, we can do this one of two ways. I can bust your balls to pieces right now or we can spread it out over the course of the day. I don't wanna talk about it. Well, I do. So, tell me everything that happened at the dance.

Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC. They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation

Airport, please.

Yeah, life is good. I'm 7 years old, and if I play my cards right, I've got another 7 years ahead of me. Hey, what ever happened to your lady friend? We decided to stay good friends. I found out that there are A Lot of different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was. So she dumped you, huh? Ah, The hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right.

Looks like this is a suicide mission. (YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems.

Ho! There's Kate Moss. Where? I don't see her. Ahh! Are you The Matrix? Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel. My name's Chris. Not anymore. Christobel will look so much better in Interview magazine. Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor!

I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical.

Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off. It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods? Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men.

The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him that night. Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat.

In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane Rupaul which is working his or her way up the coast.

That's sweet of you to ask, but he's my nephew.

Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now!

Anyway, I got a fax earlier about cheap airfare to Cancun.

No. Minority scholarship.

- Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah. - Can you move your legs? - Yeah! Oh, good. I thought you were gonna be a vegetable, and I gotta tell you, Peter, I just don't think I have it in me. I mean, if you can't move, it's over. I love you, too, honey. Let's go home.

At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire.

"We'll take the box."

Okay, all right, that's... That's seven 16-ounce steaks. Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Look, I may have been a little rash. Our ratings have dropped 50%. Whatever suggestions you have, I'll listen. And so, gentlemen, in baseball, three strikes and you're out. But three Lucky Strikes...

Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts.

Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?

Brian, Brian, let me handle this. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

...and 3! Oh, Wow! Were we just hypnotized? Well, that's incredible. I don't remember a thing. Why do I taste crotch? I must unlock the secret to their mind-control powers. Lois, can we go now? I'm starving.

Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.

Guess I'll be moving on now. You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible.

Oh, The baby's crowning.

What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think. These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver. To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster,

Lois, I can't believe you're doing this. If you work for Fox News, you're gonna be selling your soul. Oh, Brian, come on. They're a major news network. I would think you'd be excited for me. Are you kidding? They're a lie factory.

Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself.

Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it. Really? You want to go throw up? Hey, Dad, let's go whack some moles! Now, Chris, we're not here for fun.

Life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food. Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet? No. Time for some Tikka Masala.

Oh, God, that was just terrible. Terrible.

I can't carry on the charade anymore. I have an announcement to make. No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous... You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together.

I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Peter, what the hell is all this? Well, I'm a bachelor, so I invited a bunch of people over, and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do. Peter, I'm interested in the redhead with the wooden arms and legs over there.

a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

Stewie, wait, don't... Hey, there. Eat up, y'all. Youse is good churchgoing folk. Y'all deserve a little treat. Give me that! Well, aren't you an enthusiastic wafer muncher. What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup.

uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes.

Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River. That's right, Joyce. Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country, after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge,

So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.

I'm just putting up my new sign.

And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.

Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, Look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, And your little bronze hat. And your tail. - My what? - Nothing.

But you might just learn to like it if you give it a try You could laugh and sing and dance as gaily as an elf But just in case you don't believe me Ask the man himself Mr. Kelly? Will you show us? I'll show you. Let's do it. Good One, two, three, four

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say.

MAN: Tonight on Dateline, a woman murdered. Was it her ex-boyfriend? Yes, it was.

Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots!

Hey, you. Hit me.

Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad.

"QM2"? I'm not sure what that is. It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome. You're such a cutie patootie. If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie. Aw!

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later... Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic.

Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally. (BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe. All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree.

Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage.

What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

Go, Dallas Cowboys, huh? Hello. Excuse me? You are American, no? I very much admire your Garry Shandling.

So I wanted to show you it's not so bad living like a regular guy.

That's Quagmire.

"That's why I yelled." I'm watching you, buddy. There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING)

Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes? Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter. And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown!

That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets!

Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?

Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward. Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it... a time machine. E-flat, Salieri! E-flat!

this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster!

(CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

(READING) You know, I think they kind of figured that movie was going to turn out to be bigger than it was. Oh, come on, Lois, it'll be awesome. It simulates all the fun of, um... What was it now? It was like a tall guy in a black hat and a cape or something? Yeah, yeah. And there was the guy with the mask who wore a mask.

No givesies-backsies!

What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say?

The first one's always hard.

Come on, Lois. If it makes you feel any better, I don't care. And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah?

His movies are terrible.

Hey, fuck you, man.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me!

STEWIE: Yes. Jillian, I'll talk to you later. (CRYING) So, Meg... How was school? Horrible. There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my backup guy had plans.

What a dumbass!

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse?

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a lot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined.

This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal. Hello, Alaska! Adam!

You want to remove us from the area? Yes, ma'am. This criminal will stop at nothing to find your son. So We're placing your family in the witness protection program. Oh, Is Europe an option? I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English. You know, Slacking off a bit, but really getting to know myself.

"Riding on a bus

Yeah, y-y-you're doing-- You're doing good.

Well, well, Look who came crawling back. Peter, have you seen my wheelchair? I don't get it, Mom. If you're so mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night? I came because I love the theater. I mean, If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle o' his is ridiculed by everyone in town,

And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

I say thank you. And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow? I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here. Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work out.

DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Love lift us up where we belong where the eagles fly on A mountain high love lift us up where we belong

Hear what '80s mainstay Howard Hesseman has to say about it. I love it. Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed? We don't think so. Order now.

(DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

And be sure to take it from the back. Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone

Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident. You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders.

But The real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

Hey, Joe, what are you doing? I thought we were gonna go to The Clam and get wasted. Ugh. I can't. I'm on duty tonight. And Halloween's got to be the worst night of the year to be a cop. All you do is drive around, confiscate beer from teenagers and occasionally handcuff a drunk woman in a sexy costume.

(PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Oh, God! I... I think I feel them moving.

Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares?

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been.

I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine And I want you to know that my feelings are true I really love you Peter, I'm dying. This is the last time I'll ever see you. Bye.

No, Quagmire. We got enough kids of our own. Plus old Brian over there. Right, buddy? I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a Band-Aid. You're doing the right thing, Quagmire.

Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face. Please! I've had it up to here with Ewoks. Now, stab him and wear his face! And then go home to his family still wearing his face, and see how long it takes them to figure out that it's you and not him.

Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe. You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company. Oh, I don't, do I? Well, let me tell you a little story.

I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave.

But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff. You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here. All right, then, it's settled.

My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules!

Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow. You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all.

What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

(WIND BLOWING) Stewie! What? I have to tell you about the future! What? I have to tell you about the future! On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael. I have to tell you about your future.

Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax.

Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me, "and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff. "P.S. If the cops ask, "tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. "If you tell anyone otherwise,

Cookie. Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. Oh, god!

What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg.

(BEEPS) (BEEPS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nah. It's too much, too much. (BEEPS)

(WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together. Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary.

I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

It's my poop bucket.

I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods!

Dad, Mr. Herbert called me thunder thighs.

(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I should probably get going.

You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

None of them be missed

Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend.

(PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe.

She's gone! We lost her. Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois. Chris, you check the basement with Herbert.

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

Ugh! Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here. You're a worse parent than Britney Spears. I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD)

All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

Yeah, I forgive you. (STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SOBBING) We broke up.

Stewie. Hello, Janet. How about a push?

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS)

And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no!

but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here! Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk! (HUMMING STAR WARS THEME)

Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it! - Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life!

Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Carter, where are you taking our television? I'm giving it to Peter. What? Why? Yeah, why, Carter? Because Peter is the best and he is awesome and he makes better laser sounds than I do. (MIMICKING LASER SOUNDS) God damn right. You hear that, Lois? And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair.

like the whole Irish nation When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule

(SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt. Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? James Taylor. Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license.

Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material!

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine.

I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin.

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?

(Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.

ah, Sausage-san.

and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong.

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Yay!

So, that's what that was. I mean, he was very nice about it. He said, "Send me the bill." I mean, that's not how he said it, but... You know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this.

That's Meg, dude. You know that.

It's not my thing. Come on, Brian. All you gotta do is a few simple commands. And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby. Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are.

Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois.

That teacher sounds really irresponsible. She is. Adults are stupid. The world would be so much better if it were run by babies. TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

Jerry, Jerry, it's sperm and nonsense.

Oh, that was great! Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus. All right, class. We have a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin... from the North.

"What were once two firm, impressive mountain peaks "have become a barren, strip-mined, muddy landslide "that droops ever downward.

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often.

Oh, darn it, Poopy Face Tomato Nose. I know, Red Heinie Monkey. This card house won't stay up. Probably because the wood stove is so warm. It's making our hands sweaty and slippery. It's all coming together. It's all coming together. This is it. Our vision come to life. I know.

The day I'm corrected by a....

- Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City. - What? Yeah, those jokers just called and said I had to go on a last-minute business trip. What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see.

and Check out the new toys we're making. "Baby Smokes-A-Lot"? Tastes like happy. Cool! That's imitatable! What the hell?

Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.

I guess it just goes to show that you-- Shut up and let's do it! (LOIS) Oh, Peter! (PETER) Yes! Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein. Oh, ha-ha!

(PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

StEwie, are You ready to-- Go away! You're not fat, Chris.

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

This is no cave. What?

(STEWIE SCREAMING)

Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society. They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take him away.

Which actually brings me to my next point: uh, Your wife's cheating on you. What? Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.

Now brace yourself. Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality.

I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie.

Well, here we are. That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice?

Get 'em! I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not. That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you. Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh! What are you doing?

Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture. And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing. Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie.

We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium. Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

"Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm! Yes. Ok now, playtime is over. Turn it off, monkey. Ok?

The moment that you speak I want to go and play hide-and-seek I want to go and bounce the moon

Oh, Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!

and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right.

Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

Peter, wait. That corner's a bit of a hike for me. I'd rather just come see you at home. What? Where'd you get this kind of money? The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for.

drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me

GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!

What? What the hell are you talking about?

9/11. (ALL CHEERING)

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on?

You should get a pirate name. And a peg leg. And a hook hand. And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12. I mean, you should get an eye patch. Eye patch would be cool. You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth,

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

I have herpes. I think you should get yourself checked out. Oh, my God. - Will you stay? - What? Will you stay with me even knowing that I have herpes? Yes, I will. - Joanie? - Yeah? I don't have herpes. I just needed to know that you'd stay.

How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode. Okay, Quagmire, I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop because that first bite is the one that really hurts. Well, okay. (GRUNTS) Ah!

Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!

BRIAN: Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so f got you this answering machine. So, what's going on? f was thinking about doing something tonight-- Hey, you're home. Listen, Brian, I want you to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops.

Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.

You're fired! Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home.

Nice to see you

You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say--Say "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie." Ha! Don't forget the taint.

You know that guy? You're damn right, I do. Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair. (CRYING) They got him. They finally got him.

Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."

What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian. This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here.

Mom, can I just open my presents now? All right, Meg. (PAPER RIPPING) Thank you. What the... Hey, let's see what else we got here. The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD. BOY: You're welcome. Stewie, what are you doing? You can't open Meg's gifts. Hey. These are mine. You hear me? Mine.

Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11. Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay?

in tonight's episode, the part of Brian the Dog will be played by Carter Banks. Here I am. Sorry I-- Camera 2. Sorry, I overslept. Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? ahem. Well, I'm-- I'm su--

Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power!

Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic.

Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke.

You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, I felt something.

"'You should make the time,' said the farmer."

Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

Oh, my God, that smell is making me sick. (GROANS) Oh, thank you for making me more self-conscious. I'm not gonna be able to stay like this until tomorrow, you know. Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it. - You don't? - No, I don't.

Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

Uh-oh, foot odor. I have to go. I have, uh, terrible foot odor.

You got a room full of chicks like that and you're thinking about Babs?

Break it up! Break it up!

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur. It just