Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.

(SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) I don't know what you want! I don't know how to help!

All the greatest... All the greatest moments of my life, I spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word. Bart jumping that canyon. Mr. Plow. All the greatest moments of my life. Why is Label Guy trying to punch me?

And you do

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened? Ah, you know me, Lois, I don't pry. Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang! (PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?

Hey, you take bankcards?

and this whole thing is going to be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it.

Meg, if you don't want to baby-sit anymore. that's fine. But don't you stand there and lie to me. Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass.

Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys.

Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo." Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing.

Like when? Jersey Boys, Morton's Steakhouse, Foxwoods... Foxwoods and Jersey Boys was the same trip! (SIGHS) You know what? Fine. I'll put it on my card, but I'm just gonna say it's a gift because that's the only way I can do this anymore.

$1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless.

Excuse me. I've gotta go mix the punch.

But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt. Hey, Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, huh? No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

You're wrong, Meg. I wanna show you something. Teen People? It's the article I wrote about you. You wrote an article about me? They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl. Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"?

How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store. I remember you face.

Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks.

Actually, I can't read his handwriting here. What happened? One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face. Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and hotels up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer!

Yup. What is this? (MUSIC TINKLING)

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen? We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke. Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH) I remember that. I heard it from that guy.

Oh, God. Stop. Stop. Stop. I'm sorry I even said it. I'm so... It was a mistake. It was a mistake. I'm sorry I said it. Peter, why don't you and I grab some air, huh? Daddy, you're making a fool out of yourself. Why are you acting like this? Look, I've been trying to get into Reginald Barrington's inner circle for years.

Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend. That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer? 'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model.

Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil." "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile." "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics!

"You must go to him. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, "truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right?

uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! No! Whoa!

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue

Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album. Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks! It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig. - Three tracks! - Come on! - We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but... That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track!

Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings

When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over. That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painleSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

Hmm. If I'm going to reach the testicles, and destroy the sperm before coitus, i must buy some time. Computer, location? 15 millimeters northeast of the duodenum. Very well. Fire phasers! Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie!

(Lois) Peter! Lois!

Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time. And where would I fit in with the fun time? Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird. I'll act however I want to act, you son ofa bitch!

(WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING) Hey, what the hell's goin' on? I told you to rough up that dog and baby.

(BOTH GASPING) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android!

Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it!

Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

Hey, hey, Lois!

Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness.

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS)

Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken all my business. Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING)

Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis."

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

Hold on to the night Hold on to the... Man, I gotta tell you, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg. Some of these chicks are unbelievable. Brian, can I ask you something?

Oh, my God! I'm in love.

Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter? I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one,

Now, That's it. You're history, pal.

WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here, little fella. Come get the food. I have always wanted to do this. Oh, Here are the marsupials. Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you?

Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone. Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh! This guy is gonna be huge.

Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING) Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it. Nice try. But Marian's over there.

Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again? I'm busy. I set up a video camera last night, so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real. And I want to see what I got.

Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher.

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Hey, Mom, can I pull my pants down? If she doesn't answer, does that mean yes? That's what I've been going with. (CHEERING) I want to get in on that. Mine's better. Mine's better. Mine's better!

Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh, my! The magic tome. But it's--it's cardboard. And--And there are no words. There are just-- What is it you've drawn here?

Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. What was that? Nothing.

Where are we going? Son, it's too late for me, and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit. We're gonna take you down to that synagogue and turn you Jewish! Ok! Chris, duck!

Well, because I don't believe in gay marriage. You don't believe... Lois, that's ridiculous. Gay people have every right to get married. Well, they certainly have every right to be together, but marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Well, what did he say?

(BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one. (CROWD CHEERING) - She's getting beat! - No, she's getting mad. You ain't so tough, young man.

Joe, I need to use your bathroom. Sure, Peter. What the hell? How do you even... What? It... I don't... Wait. How do I... JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be way too complicated for you. How come there are two toilets?

Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be? Ahh! If I was an oven mitt...

What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork? Was he, like, "Oh, Yoda. What do you need, "and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped. "These requisition forms for new TIE fighters "have to be down to Debbie in accounting by 6:00, "or Nute Gunray is gonna pitch a tent in my waiting room." (TIRES SCREECH) Brian, what are you doing? Gymboree is that way. Brian, it's parachute day!

Bravo!

He 's a family guy

No! You okay, fat ass?

You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes!

Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel? Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

...you!

Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off. Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo Life isn't fair

"Follow your nose."

Quick! Back up! oh, Great. Is there a problem, Officer? Can I see your license, boy? "Boy"? Oh, God. Uh... I left it on my other collar. You been chasing cars tonight, boy?

(FARTING) Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, he's batted it clear out of the stadium. Is that good? We don't know, but it's what we do! (HESITANTLY) Yay! Boo! Boo! Oh, my goodness, the Queen is going to be here presently. This is oh-so-exciting!

(LAUGHING) I'm just joking.

(GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad.

Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky.

Oh, not again.

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho!

No. It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time.

Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah! Ahh! uh, ahh! Ahh!

It's going kick-ass! Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly. Like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa. Oh, my God! Are you saying I'm fat? No, I'm saying Santa's thin... - Get in there and throw up! - Oh!

Oh. Right. You didn't forget, did you? No, no, I didn't forget. Let me just go change out of this fishing gear. Hey, Peter, what's up? Come on, come on, we gotta go now! We gotta go now. Come on, Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on. Go, go, go! Pull the car around. Come on, let's go!

What's in there that you can't bury in the yard? I have things. You have a dead bird in there? What are you gonna do with that? I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me. Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch? Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing. Already paid for the meals. And if I want to return this sweater, we've got to get to Wyndham's by half 6:00. Half 6:00?

I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper! (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity! What about Peter? Yeah, Peter next! I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.

Are you out of your mind? Keep it up, Lois, I might fire you. You wouldn't. Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you? Okay, I'll behave. Yes, you will.

statuesque people I want you to meet. What's that? Oh, That's my son, Chris. He can't come in. Ha. He's fat. Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in.

Oh, thank God. It's negative. Ooh. Dodged a bullet there, right? Although, I got to tell you, I was kind of getting used to the idea of having a little brother or sister. Peter, we can't risk these things anymore. You're absolutely right. Lois, you're getting your tubes tied. Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy. First of all, I don't know what that is,

Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave.

Oh, what a mess!

Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God.

I wanted to play you a song I wrote about what America means to me. When you say USA I just say hooray And if you're not from here God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS USA!

Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas. Ugh.

Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?

What? Mom, that's you!

Something, something, something, complete.

Blast! I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby." Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok.

Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

(ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold,

All right, getting a tooth to lure that damn fairy back shouldn't be too difficult. (SNORING) I'd love to dance, Fred Savage. Mmm.

JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all,

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition. (SLURRING) I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom, Tom and other Tom in our village! Don't talk to mother in like fashion! That's it. The belt is coming off.

(CROWD CLAMORING) People, please, first things first. Is there anyone here for the couch off of Craigslist? I am. Oh, good, come on in.

Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Brian, Brian, Brian. I was after "good" or "bad." You know what? Fine. You guys are not gonna get to me this morning. I am in too good a mood. I met an amazing woman. Finally, the whole package. You met her at the seminar? No, that's just it. It was right here in town last night. She's a classy, smart, beautiful lady. Look, I took a picture of her.

I love you, Rupert. Don't you ever leave me again. (SIGHING) (BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING)

My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all!

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb.

(GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast? Powerful stuff. You would have to be made of stone not to feel saddened by that.

Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell?

Then how do you explain these?

Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger. My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving.

Good God! Running an empire is harder than finding diversity in the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. STEWIE: Ooh! Ooh! There he is. There he is. Right there. BRIAN: Ah, found him. That was a tricky one.

Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded. Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy... have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results? Maybe. Uh-oh. Congratulations.

Lois, are you out of your mind? We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see?

Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING)

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything! (BOTH GIGGLING) Peter, have you seen this tuition bill?

CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am.

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein.

Ok. "Insert Rod Support 'A' into Slot 'B.'" That's what-- And if you say "That's what she said," one more time, I'm gonna pop you.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there.

You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

- How does that possibly... - Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil.

Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship.

what books like these suggest is actually damaging to a large, gullible segment of the population. Yeah, aren't you a sitcom writer? I'm an author. I have contributed to the zeitgeist.

now that you're a hero.

Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter.

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

then I wish you the best of luck.

Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.

Peter, The float turned out great. Yeah, Our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how get us free cabLE. We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh.

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no!

That was fun. I like Gavin. (COUNTRY SONG PLAYING ON RADIO) Yay! This is such a great song. - Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you.

Uh, Hey, what's going on?

And I took a dump in the church confessional... which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first.

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery.

Whoa! How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What? It was a joke.

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot! It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v.

(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Hey, Joe, where you been? We haven't seen you in days. Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena, I've been working nonstop.

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay. Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.

Aw, This meat stinks something fierce! Ha! This ought to knock her down a couple notches. Yay, Meg! Oh, Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days!

Just like I did against that pigeon that crapped on my car.

I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything?

Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase, I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up.

All right, kids, gather around. Time to make our yearly terrible call to Great Aunt Helen. (BUTTONS BEEPING) (PHONE RINGING) HELEN: Hello? Hi, Aunt Helen. It's Peter, Lois and the whole family. We're calling to say Merry Christmas. Peter's lowest what?

All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. Can I go out through here? - Just be back by bedtime. - Okay.

Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated. Oh, Don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You still live in exciting times. Oh, Crap! Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!"

Wait. How do I... JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be way too complicated for you. How come there are two toilets? The other one's for blood. (WHIMPERING) Cleveland's old house. Perfect! Damn, no toilet paper.

" am out. Huh? I am out. I have pleasured myself.

Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married. You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up!

Don't go in there! Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah! Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic. We'll be in the clubhouse. Go on, run away! More golf course for me!

(BURPING CONTINUES)

Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me!

Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel?

Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves? Yeah, look, I'm guessing there's some kind of soccer match from your home country going on, and I get that, I do. But some of us are trying to sleep, and I could almost deal with the noise, but it's the cologne, all right? I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here.

Come on. This thing goes up to 90. Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm!

And I'll help you... but first, you have to do something for me. Eat this pine cone. - Well.... - Eat it. It will amuse me. - How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful. undefinedFinish it. Eat it. " hate it. Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease. "Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away." Hey, you hear that, fellas? She misses me! (LAUGHING) You're all wet.

All right, then let's eat. I know you all hate eggplant, but... What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

(BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

I'd motorboat the hell out of it. Right after this layback spin. Bottle of Jack Daniel's, please. Here you go. Thanks. What's this? That's your gun. Buy some liquor, get a free gun. Is that, like, a special you have on now or something?

Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done.

(STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for?

He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby!

Hey, Doc, I'm here for my dialysis. Have a seat, Peter. Let's get you hooked up. Doc, I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's been three weeks. I know, I saw the caption. Yeah, but I just go crazy just sitting here for so long.

Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off. Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here. You know what? Look, Cleveland, look. See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland. Let me out of here! I need to get out of here.

You have no idea how big that is here. Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. (SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential...

No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING)

You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now? No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself. You're a fool, Joe! A fool!

That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

What the deuce?

Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.

I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to... (FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out. Probably just making room for something. Like what?

You know, This really is the first place we've gone to. Perhaps we should try another lot. Sold! Well, Go on. Hot-wire it! Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! Oh, for God's sake! Hurry up! You did it! Wait. Put it back. I like that song.

Introducing rock 'n' roll.

Is it "what?" That's right. You win, Peter. You did it. Oh, my God! I won. I won! My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter. What a feeling. This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy.

and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing, but this is a multi-million-dollar film. And he's a very powerful man. He could have us arrested or--or killed. It's worth the risk, Lois. To save the world another 2 hours of torture. We gotta get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters. Let's go!

You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald? Pewterschmidt, settle down! I was having a nice conversation with Peter. Peter, why don't you tell me more about your job? You said you like to drink at work? I do. Oh, me, too! Me, too. I'll drink anything. Even that hollandaise sauce. Give me that. (MEG SCREAMS) Hey, Brian, Meg's Benedict.

Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Why you gotta say like that? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me.

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better.

I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)

(GUN CLICKS) Okay, now me. That's a stop sign!

Bonnie, this is insanity. Promise me you'll put this whole affair thing out of your head. Lois, I'm just having fun. You're playing with fire. Look, no marriage is perfect, but Joe's the man you gave your life to, and besides, you have a little girl. You really want to be setting this kind of example?

What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur. Oh, my God! Everyone I touch turns into Robin Williams! Yes! Peter "Sweet Cheeks" Griffin, you have been given the power from God. - Ho-ho! Ho-ho! - Ho-ho!

Where are you from? Tokyo. oh, Tokyo! Yeah, it's a great town. Lot of people, though. Yup.

Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died.

We got our entry fee for the eating contest! Now for the next five days, we're gonna focus on nothing but training. We'll even get up at the crack of dawn. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (WHISPERING) Dad? Dad, it's time to get up. Oh, Jeez, Chris, it's the crack of dawn.

Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--

What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird?

Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. - MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it. - MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction. - Seen it. - MAN 3: Donovan's Reef. - Seen it. MAN 4: License to Drive.

Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can. Hello, Lois. Peter, where the hell are you?

Kathleen Turner's on Page 45. Kathleen Turner, huh? Let's see how she looks. Oh, that's a shame.

Oh! Blasted matriarch! She has failed once again to replenish this frigid box with potations. I shall give her a piece of my mind, at once! Ugh! Damn it! Now look here, you... Oh, my GoD!

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up.

I hate being all strokey. This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy!

Haven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person. Yeah. You know, come to think of it... Hi, I'm on a scavenger hunt. And I need a human foot. Well, as a rule, I would say no, but ok, come in. So, uh, So, this is what? This for like a school project or some--

while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!

Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me...

Damn you all!

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha."

Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter. I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.

Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ?

But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere

I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing. So far, the only station that comes in is some British guys reading news from places I'm not sure exist. NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre.

Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass!

You're really pretty, and I hope I get to be with you for a long time. Wow. Um... No guy has ever said anything that nice to me before. Well, maybe you've been hanging around with jerks. Yeah, maybe I have. Hey, forget the pep rally. You want to go see a movie?

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

(HORN BLARING) Uh-oh, sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home. I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business. (IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy.

Uh, I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker. Hey-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah hey-yah, hey I'm so happy doing the neutron dance hey-yah, hey-yah, hey I'm just burning doing the neutron dance And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee. So are you gonna give me back my car, or what?

Diego? Sweaty. (MOANS) Thank you. - Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours.

Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over. Peter, she knows she untied her bikini. Women don't forget those things. Well, will you go over there - and pour a cold drink on her back? No.

What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

Thanks to the clam's leadership,

You can't be serious. Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie?

You lose! Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there.

Fine by me. Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway. They had one on last night where the girl had a butt-face, but her breasts was immaculate.

Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

He's not... He's not gonna get to. (LAUGHING)

Wait, what'd you just say? Cheeses. You want some cheeses? And that's why you're allowed to eat as much mozzarella as you want in any church. So the three wise men set off again on their journey. You sure this is the right way? Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star.

Cutaway, sir?

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin. I have no idea what got into my son.

Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun... PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go!

Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

Aw, No you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds? I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I miss my mom. YEah. Me, too. I also miss my nads. Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too? Sure. The more the merrier. Meg, you have the coolest family. She sure does. Hey, Here's to family!

Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING)

I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living, and they pray for death, but death won't come. U.P.N.? You're funny. I like you, Chris. I like you too, Sam.

God, I could strangle her all night long. Boy, that's not healthy, is it? That that's the first place I go to? Hit it! Cloudy skies and rain clouds Have come to stay Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way

I say, Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services! Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot. Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly!

so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert,

- Mandarin, honey. - Mandolin.

(EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.

NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn.

(SCREAMS)

The--

Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

- Yahtzee! - Gay.

Yeah, shame on you!

Ahh! I am a man-eating tree. Go back to New York, or I will eat you. Just like I ate insane New York anchorman Dan Rather. Ptew! And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Ptew!

Oh. Hey. Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her-- Graham cracker.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier. Well, you could always grab the vacuum and clean up the living room floor. Oh, sure, I'll take care of that. Are you running off to your job? Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

played the father in That '70s Show, Kurtwood Smith. How's it going, Kurtwood? Good. Thanks for having me.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool.

So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem.

(GROWLS) Holy shit!

"Pass this along to Gossip Girl." (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (BUZZING)

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)

Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher. You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test. (GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah!

Really? Because I read Wish It. Want It. Do It. (CHUCKLING SHEEPISHLY) Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your lives. Uh... Yeah, I didn't read it.

has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled.

Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse. There's always one. WOMAN: You can cry about it, or you can decide to live. It's your choice. STEWIE: Found her. Hey, what is it, Doc?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.

All right, come on, Stewie, you can write a song. How hard can it be? You've got your G chord right here It's like a cozy house where you live That's where you start your journey Here I am in my house, nice and cozy Then you poke your head out of the door with a C chord Everything looks okay out here

Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down.

We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we?

Somebody should put him on a roll. Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie. Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

Is that us? Yes, Peter. You were so handsome,

Well, he's clearly not just a guy. He's some kind of omnipotent alien, with powers we can only guess at.

Ah, Florida stunk.

Yeah, I'll see you there. (SOBBING)

Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa!

Excuse me, has anyone seen a toy car around here? Oh, es baby. I make beautiful. Don't get any ideas about Julio. I'm his number one.

We all know what's going on here. It's just implied, but we all know what's going on in this thought bubble. The kids don't know, but we do.

We can get out of any mess If we learn to live with less And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear

Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to kill you! Ah. Thank God! What? Do it! Please! Put me out of my misery! You want me to kill you? Come on! What are you waiting for! Pull the trigger! Well, there isn't a great deal of sport in that.

Gently tied to each of their delicate legs is a parade theme suggested by ordinary citizens of Quahog. And here to pick this year's winning theme is Ten Commandments star, Charlton Heston. Let my pigeons Go! He nailed one! We have our theme!

I--I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just, did I just get bit by a mosquito? Hey, Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him his grandmother was just trying to work me over?

Giggity.

You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire?

as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATHING DEEPLY) (EXCLAIMS) Don't do it right here! I don't want to watch!

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

That reminds me of a guy you might have heard of, John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived. You know what he once said? He said, "You know, I've got a 13-inch penis, "and Glenn Quagmire is the best damn pilot I've ever seen." John Holmes said that?

Yep, we're it. All right, look, we know we woke up in the hospital, so maybe there was some kind of catastrophe that we were all spared. Or maybe we were all in some kind of accident. Well, that would explain why you're in a wheelchair. You must have gotten hurt worse than the rest of us. Yeah, I got hit so hard, it knocked my piss into a bag.

I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go. Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape,

No, no, no, no, it does not.

I am oddly prepared for this. Brian, I know this is gonna sound petty in light of the fact that we just actually ate the flesh of another human being, but Meg ate a lot. Oh, God, Peter.

No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money!

WhaT do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you.

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

Rocky, please don't go to Mars and fight the Martian. I got to do what I got to do. But there's no oxygen on Mars. Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either. That Martian wants a fight, he'll get a fight. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old! Hey, look what Rocky bought me with his money.

Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking! What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'll get a new cleaners. They're all the same. They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner.

(EXCLAIMS) (GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

H-h-h-Hi, Barbara.

as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine? Well, I suppose it's possible. Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from Little Shop of Horrors.

You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian, I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care,

Can I have the blueprints to the Demico housE? Sure. Here you go. Now, I've put together a little flash bomb to create a diversion. I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake. What's Whitesnake? That's the music mommies and daddies listen to. Fire in the hole!

The "t" is silent. Sweet!

Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad!

I want a golden mustache comb And some spermicidal foam That's all I really want for Christmas this year

I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass. (BRIAN RUNNING)

You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da!

Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?

This must be how twins who were separated at birth feel when they first meet. Trade house keys, bang each other's wives? Yep. I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman.

And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Yeah, there's definitely something off about him. I'm his physician. Okay, now we'll just test those reflexes. MAN 1: Hey, did you hear that?

Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA! All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history,

You may think that song and dance is dated, boring and dry But you might just learn to like it if you give it a try You could laugh and sing and dance as gaily as an elf But just in case you don't believe me Ask the man himself Mr. Kelly? Will you show us?

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

Hey, Stewie, I see your bum.

Mmm. I hope these taste as good as they look. Gerald! (CHUCKLES) The secret is in the frosting, but I'll never tell. Well, here's another chance to open a restaurant. You're right. Ooh. And I'll make my special cupcakes. - No, Peter... - Oh, yeah, right. That was the problem.

"has affected my life in the following ways. "The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature.

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

You're not helping!

Perfect! Where's Lois and the kids? Uh, Over at Joe's. Well, go fetch 'em. They're about to see a real hero in action. To the BatcAve! oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Are you a violent man? What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

No, no. No, darling. Asian Dawn. Dawn. D-A-W-N.

Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop! Excuse me, sir. What is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? i need an adult! I need an adult!

oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk.

None of these bears are Rupert.

What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here.

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion.

Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly.

You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy!

If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

(SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass!

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)

Brian, where's Rupert? I just left him here to watch my things. Uh-oh. What? Nothing, I haven't seen him. It's not like him to wander off. Rupert? Rupert! Oh, no. What if he's been kidnapped? Well, let's just calm down. I've got to save him, Brian. What if he's dead? I don't think I can handle a funeral.

All right! Raise some hell!

That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.

- Hi, there. - How are you doing?

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh!

I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.

Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas.

Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good. There's got to be a way to get back at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris. I know! I know! I know! Let's plant drugs in his locker. Oh, my God! That's a great idea. Yeah, thought you'd like that. Hey, look at that Yosemite Sam mud flap. You had better stay back, Brian.

Play our cards right, it could be bigger than the Apollo Theater.

That's Long John Peter to you, porthole.

Looks like a pack of Hot dogs All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis.

Ah! Ugh!

Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me.

Ah. Excellent.

(SNARLING) My God! That doesn't look good. God. That elf getting killed gave them all erections.

You know, this used to be all orange trees.

Tonight's the night Let's live it up I got my money Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse. Would you excuse me a second? Okay, I'm back. Here we come, here we go We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball

Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.

I think I got to go to the bathroom. (FARTS) (YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (COUPLE SCREAMS) What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here.

Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You can stop having fun! (IN NORMAL VOICE) But we like fun, don't we, kids? ALL: Yes! (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets! And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle!

Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Just follow my lead.

$1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter!

What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking.

What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

Cheryl's great, and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her. No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian. And you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint. I dated Jillian just to hurt you.

PETER: She's firing herself with her lack of talent and her lack of funniness. I just... You know, I feel like you and I have captured lightning in a bottle... CHRIS: We have. Yes! ...with Handiquacks. And she's just coming in, unscrewing the top, and letting it all out. Meg, your services will no longer be needed.

Oh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it. Watch me. That's it. Watch this.

What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad.

You might find out he's not so bad. All right, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me, and right now it's telling me I have... (MAN READING) But I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got... (MAN READING)

PETER: Valentine's Day, a day of love,

I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement! Why me? Why the media? I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half hour. Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there.

Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"! Boys and girls, we have a new student joining us this morning. Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt. Just what we need, another girl. You said it!

The contusion on his left temple implies he was hit by a blunt object,

Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. Let's give you a nice, tweedlie little mustache here. And maybe a big, old dumb-guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?" Look who's got pimples.

I decided it's time I got some friends more suited to my status. But, Joe, we've been friends for years. Hey, we all make mistakes. Come on, dudes, let's go exercise. Exercise! Yeah! I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself.

Hi there. Britney Spears. You mind ifl go in?

One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

So? What do you think?

I can't believe I let Meg take the blame. You were right, Lois. T.V. is evil. I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me. You just went a little overboard.

(TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

So, smell that finger, Quahog!

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!

But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus.

I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you.

- A vagina? - Get out.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE?

You've got the best Spike Lee stories. What's that? You want to meet my wife? Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello. Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

STEWIE: Hello, Meg.

Lois Griffin!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

- Highlights! - Okay. Hey, will you sign this form that says I hit on you? Sassy! You've got me sweating above and below my ass. Let's go, lover. Okay, what the fuck?

How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland. We've been meeting people for the past three days. Well, you don't need to look for somebody new. I'll hang out with you guys. Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you.

Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool. "She Packed my bags "last night, pre-flight "zero hour

Besides, Lois is my friend.

Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney. You ruined my adolescence, Lois. You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.

I tried everything to get the stain out. What about lemon juice? Oh, What about club soda? What about shutting the hell up?

(YELLING) (GROANS)

EZEKIEL: Griffins! (CROWD CLAMORING) What's going on here? Your family must leave our community and return to the outside world. Dad, what's happening? I thought you talked to him. Sir, please, whatever your quarrel is with my husband, I'm sure it's probably justified, but I'm begging you,

(DRILLING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class! It gets better after the first...

Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy.

Have you ever thought about directing? Oh, Just every waking hour! Well, i--I got this movie. I'm not gonna lie. It's a low-budget movie. But the script is solid. My director dropped out. And I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth. Well, I am smart and ambitious! Seriously. No, no. I'm clean.

I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper! (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity! What about Peter? Yeah, Peter next!

You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!

What do you mean, "plans"? I'm going to the Country Club Dance with Glenn. I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished.

To the BatcAve! oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time. (WHISTLING) MICK: Okay, Tokyo DAVID: South America! - Australia! - France! Germany! - U.K.! - Africa (WHISTLING)

Stewie tried to kill me!

I paid $380 for this flight. $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first. This is my 4th trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky. WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken,

Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast!

I'm really worried about her, Mr. Pewterschmidt... and I figured I'd come to you since you were always good at reeling her in. Well, Lois was always a wild stallion...

What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out.

Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me. Yeah? How'd that go? Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world. Yet.

But then it thawed and cavemen came. Why Peter look sad? Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid.

The Griffin family farm.

(SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free. I don't know Brian. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job. Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview. So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife."

Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.

and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah Family guy

Hi. This isn't fair! Swanson, you know your assignment. You get me the guy who's been rubbing his butt all over Dunkin' Donuts. Can I help you? Not illegal. Not illegal. Show me the law. Not illegal. Hey, Joe, look, I know you're down about this Briggs thing,

(DOORBELL DINGING) Pizza for Adam West. No! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon! This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher. (CAT SQUEALING)

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone! All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish. Well, I got to eat. And I got to have fun. Peter, you're just acting out. No, I'm not. I'm acting in.

Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT?

Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of... NIKKI: 24! No, that's it. We're done. Anyone watching, do not count 24.

Say what, now? You don't deserve her. She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian.

(STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth?

No T.V. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING)

My God! I can't believe she's an android. Do you think we should tell someone, or do something? Well, we could do something. Like what? Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight.

How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl!

You make me feel so young You make me feel like spring has sprung And every time I see you grin oh, I'm such a happy individual The moment that you speak

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you--

So it shall be. Great show today, Kelly. Thanks, Reg. You, too. REGIS: Kelly, Gelman needs us on stage for some re-shoots. Be right there, Reg. I just have to put on my face.

Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas.

You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day, I was thinking, "Let's do something we've never done before." Release the virus? No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed. That's a great idea.

(CROWD CHEERING) The days of despair and hardship are over!

Greggy! Fitzy! T-Bone! Gaggaboo! Nazi guy! Griff-a! Hey, we're totally stoked for your party this weekend! (CHUCKLING) You know it, brother. It's gonna be awesome. But keep it on the down low so the spazoids don't catch wind.

...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there.

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die! it's gone! It's gone! Oh, Thank God! Peter, what's that sound?

I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING)

9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that!

Hearts filled with passion Jealousy and hate Woman needs man And man must have his mate

And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

Must've got the wrong hat.

Looks like there's some blockage.

Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night.

Mr. Hawking, what does the discovery of this black hole mean to you and your research? (THROUGH SYNTHESIZER) I am overjoyed. This is the crowning achievement of my career. It validates the work of a lifetime. It certainly does. Back to you, Tom.

"Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this,

Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

Oh, He's terrible! But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.

Mmm. Look, this is a really big deal. It'd be nice to get some support around here. Oh, I'm sorry, Brian. That's great news. Yeah. What channel will the awards ceremony be on? Oh, are they having an awards ceremony for how well you did the dishes last night? Ha! You got nothing going on.

I never slept with Francois. What? But Peter said... Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter. I said she wanted to. Damn it, Peter! Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things. Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now.

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey!

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not.

Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife. Oh, just a housewife? Look, I'm all for equality, but if you ask me, feminism is about choice. I choose to be a wife and mother. And now I'm choosing to end this conversation.

Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound. Now try it again. "How do you do?" What did you say? "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." I think she's got it!

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual.

As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do.

Give me cocaine! ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo? (ARTILLERY FIRING) Do I sound sexy? Tell me I sound sexy. Peter, what the hell? You look terrible.

Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!

Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be... Oh, my God!

(CROWING) (CROWS)

You've got The AIDS That guy's gonna feel so much better after we do what we got planned.

First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo. Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it. Now, you.

Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready.

You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

Hi, there. Peter Griffin. You know, a lot of us here at Family Guy are, frankly, sickened by the sorry state of education in this country and how little you people read anymore. So for this next cutaway, we're gonna make you read it. That's right, you heard me. Do a little work once in a while, instead of having everything spoon-fed. You want your yuks, put in a little effort. All right, go ahead.

Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man. MADAME CLAUDE: And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved,

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.

Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God! Is this what you're looking for? I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.

I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

Still alive!

Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir. Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising,

I think it's a lot better now. Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno. Oh, oh, you know, It is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material, and he's charming. Face it, Lois, you're just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours.

God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me. Why do I hear an engine?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it!

Hey, Meg, try and guess the word I'm thinking of right now. And it's not "kitty." "Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up? Yeah. It was "kitty"!

Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer!

Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, and there's nothing we can do about it. Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm. (SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go.

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today.

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit. - You traitor! - That's a doozy. I bet some of those awful kids at school call you zit-face. - No. - Pop-a-zit. - No. - Puspeak. - No. - Fat ass?

No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here.

You screwed up, Brian.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex?

Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.

Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight. This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat.

Sorry about that. Bad girl, Holly. No jumpies!

WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin.

Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip...

MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES)

Gross!

(SIGHS) Chris! It's time for supper! (CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

Shit.

You must be exhausted.

Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl!

Let's just enjoy the strippers. I guess. I just hate the way that one gets so into her work. You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework. Darn it. Fractions are so hard. What did you get for number four? She said don't share answers!

Did Peter leave?

Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

Let me handle this.

How awesome is this? Going out to dinner with my new family. Hi, can I help you? I want... I want that one. All right, hold on, we'll get you that one. I want straws. We'll get you a straw. You want a kid's meal? No. - Do you mean "yes"? - Yes. Okay, one kid's meal. And what'll you have, honey? I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka.

Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9. For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V. since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family? I will, during the commercials. And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.

That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done

Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

But since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you. - I did not care for The Godfather. - What?

- Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.

Brian! BRian! I'm here to bring you... You're going downtown, pal. ...home.

(GASPS) Bertram!

Wednesday? What a weird night to auction girls off into slavery. Well, you know, on the weekend, people probably have plans. Have plans? What are you doing that's more important than buying somebody? Look, where is this place? Where do they have the auction? I don't know, but there is a courtesy shuttle that runs every 20 minutes. What?

Peter, what are you doing here? I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone.

Hey, have you gone yet?

God. That elf getting killed gave them all erections. All right, Brian. Let's do this. Go on.

A wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer. Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody.

It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself. Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again.

Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay?

Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is.

It's so awesome! I want it!

go make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine.

This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake.

I'll look at her once, and then I'll go... (IMITATING RETCHING) All over the place. Then you'll wipe it up. and then we will go. Hi, Brian. Oh, my God! Who is your cute little friend? Oh, my! Hello. Stewie. Charmed. I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink?

He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up!

I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials.

Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)

AXE Body Spray.

Damn government!

What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois"

Oh, wait, now they're telling me they do want to show it. I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here.

Spare some change? Sure. You didn't put anything in there. Yes, I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it all in one place, Raggy.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois.

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic.

I don't know Brian. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job. Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview. So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son?

How did you ever put all of this together? Well, I had a little help from a very special friend. I like animals. Uh-huh. 'cause they're like people. Just little furry peoplE. Yeah. Uh, Hey, you ever go on the InternET?

Sure. I've steered our family through bigger problems. Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show. Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you.

Where's Stewie? Hmm... Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall! Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.

ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Here we go. This is where I get all serious now. Okay. Death... (LAUGHING) I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't. Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer!

oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house. Okay, okay.

Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.

All clear, sir. Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like. (SCREAMING)

(IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin.

Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.

Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese." Ha-ha.

Griffin.

Still alive!

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?

(SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly!

A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do!

Hey, Lois, can I talk to you for a second? For the last time, Brian, there's no link to it anywhere online. No, no, that... That's not... That's not what I'm here for. Look, Lois, you did what you did, and there's nothing you can change about that.

And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities. Holy crap! They're all so... small. Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries.

I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la. Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought Marshmallow Peeps.

I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

Good morning, class. Hey, can I borrow a pencil? Now, now, it looks like we have a comedian. I wasn't making a joke. I was just asking... Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday. And if you don't pass, you are not in the class.

You know the best part about being half-black and half-white? When I grow up, I'll be accepted by everybody. (GASPS) A-ha!

(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull.

and he had the complete DVD set of Sex and the City between his butt cheeks.

It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe.

There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen in the hole in the bottom of the sea Get a nurse. There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time. And so they sent me back to a brewery. We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated.

I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please.

Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock?

Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah!

"What were once pink and succulent rose petals "now take the form of the shredded, raggedy, blown-out end piece "of a practical joker's exploding cigar."

She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference. You must be Peter. Joe Swanson.

NARRATOR: The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit. Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead. And he must let the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

I'm Chris.

Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?

What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

Son of a fuck!

That's great news, Carter. You're back in! Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade in-the-same-room-make-outs. "Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club! Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you!

It's not a skin color. It's a lifestyle, Brian.

PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second? (GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done.

So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh?

Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You didn't tell her? Look, I told you she was gonna kill herself. What was I supposed to do? Let her. No, that's not funny.

(SQUEALING)

No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

Ugh, Bertram just voided his bowels. That's it! The genetic material needed for my creation is inside me. So I'll take da Vinci's place and pass it on. Wait, how did you get that from "bowels"? Huh? I'm just wondering how you got that from... You know what? I don't care. Will that work, though? You taking da Vinci's place? Only one way to find out.

Stewie, what have you done?

Fidel, no running around the pool!

All right, all right, all right. Okay. Peter, what do you care... No, no, Brian, he's serious. I'll come back for you, Lois. And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to. Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh.

(NEIGHING)

(GASPING) A ghost!

Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup." - Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch. Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly. I don't know... I don't know what else... Wait. Wait.

(DUCKS QUACKING)

- (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye!

Oh, my God! It's okay, Peter. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's a hamster! (WATER RUNNING) We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

Oh, hang on, I got to go pee. That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a... Oh, I got to take a leak. There we go. Oh, pee time. Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.

Ok, Bonnie. 1, 2, 3, Push! Yeee! whoa! Oh-oh. Ah! Whoa! Ahhh! ugh! My God! I can walk! It's A Mira--

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Oh, yeah, they totally would, but look,

It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie. Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?

Stewie!

"I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room.

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party!

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther. Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus!

God, it's so damn hot. Hey, I got an idea. Let's make scalding asphalt angels. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Second-degree burns, first-degree fun.

I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one. Sweetie? You married a total jerk.

Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll!

DEATH: Thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in! You're not brave enough to take all your clothes off! Way ahead of you. I bet you're too chicken to spend a night at the old Selberg place. PETER: You mind stepping out of the way? Sorry.

I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time? (STUTTERING) Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.

Oh, crap. Stewie! (STEAM HISSING) (GROANING) (SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.

Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her!

I want you to pierce my ear. Let's do it. You mean it? Because I... Look at my face. I'm totally serious. Are you totally serious? I'm with you. I'm on the train! Do you have a needle? There's a pin in the sweater. Here. Oh, my God! This is happening! This is really happening!

Oh, crap, he's in love again. I know, I know. But this time it's for real. You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for. Oh, please, you've only known her a week. Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole life for. Well, Jillian was. But I'll never get her back. But Denise... I really think there's something special there.

Sir, may I offer you a shoe drink? Why, yes, that'd be lovely. Ah! The finer things. So, what brings you gentlemen to town? We're here on business. In fact, we just came from a meeting with the venerable Carter Pewterschmidt. Outstanding man. Really? Yeah, well,

Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70. Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead.

Hey, guys. I wrote a song. Oh, that's great. Good, Ringo. Fantastic. You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. Right on the refrigerator. That way, we'll get to see it every day.

Wh-Where is everybody? I'm--I'm the only brain cell left. Well, At least I have my books. No. No, that--that-- That's Not fair! that's not fair! There was time now! It's not fair!

Morgan Freeman.

I really like you, Sandy. I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE) Oh, stop, I'm...

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart!

don't touch anything before I have a chance to disinfect it.

You're not allowed in my room.

Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez.

(DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

But, Michael... I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you. See, look, Meg. He just walked out on you. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

Yes! Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething, it might just be possible to reverse time's heady flow and undo ever having drawn those damnable blueprints. You'll never get away with this! Silence! Oh. Lois, you make it sound like I don't appreciate you at all. Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me?

What the fuck was that?

But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful. Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such.

Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not. - Oh, you're so lying. - I so am.

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper?

Hey, Lois! I did it!

It's like I've become a different person, and so has he. Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.

(SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie.

We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

Not now, Stewie. When we get home.

"Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay.

The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste. Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it! Look here. You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up! Interesting. Indeed.

"He rubbed her shoulder sensually."

I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00. if you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00. I can't believe this! I feel sick.

Hey, can he say the word "ask"?

Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

Good-bye, kids. Good-bye, Pearl.

Oh, man! They got these little plastic disc guns! Aw, I haven't seen one of these since Cleveland's wedding. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two young people, in the bonds of holy matrimony, consecrated before God Almighty.

Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter! I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny. That is funny. And you know what I appreciate about your joke, Peter? It's clean. It's clean funny! I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are.

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine.

There's no moustache like my father's moustache That's the biggest moustache in town Play me off, Johnny. What else be funny tonight? Uh, Star Jones got married. That was in the news.

(HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now? I don't want to wait

They called me "Tasty Cakes"

Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself!

Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS)

(HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head.

Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

Gonna buy me a rainbow Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow

ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! Starting right... Well. not now. But soon!

Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery. (SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!

(BLOWING) PETER THE PIG: I wouldn't do that, if I were you. What? I said, I wouldn't do that. I said knock it off! Why? Because I just made stool in there, and if you blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink. Do you understand? Do you understand me, sir?

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to. Do you remember who it was? Yes, I do. It was Stewie.

Brian, wait! H-Hold on a second. Airport, please.

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?

(BRIAN RUNNING) Joe, I gotta tell you. This whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. When do we get to shoot some bad guys? Guys, it's not all about action. It's about staying vigilant until you're needed.

I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go. That's why that little symbol with the two crossed arrows is up there in the corner.

"Here I go." Rupert, get back here. Rupert? Oh, there you are. Wow, look at all the old stuff down here. Hello, what's this? "What I Learned on Jefferson Street. "Written by H. Brian Griffin." (LAUGHS) Oh, yes.

Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

What are you? One of Freddy Krueger's victims? I'm a victim of the liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus. Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year, and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again? Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING) Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw! Daddy, what are you doing? Look at the unicycle.

Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman. And Meg.

Well, Your Honor, in that case, I'll have to call my surprise witness, Mr. Sockerby. Mr. Sockerby, before we begin, have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes, but that bitch had it coming. Okay. Your Honor, I'm afraid I have to withdraw this witness, and I am going to those things you said I have to go to.

Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh!

(DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me.

Karina? Yes? You have a visitor. (AS KARINA) Who is it? (AS STEWIE) It's that nice girl, Julie, from your show. (AS KARINA) Oh, Julie! Did she say what she wanted? (AS STEWIE) Just go see for yourself, I'm not your secretary, Karina. (AS KARINA) Why are you so cruel to me? Is it because I'm the pretty one? The talented one? (AS STEWIE) Oh, for God's sakes. You know, we're all sick of you! That's right, all of us! (AS KARINA) Sick of me? Oh, that's rich!

There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket. Well, the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird. Peter, that's not necessary. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere. I wouldn't count on it, Lois. (STILL PLAYING)

I sense something. A presence I've not felt since... (GRUNTS) Stewie, you're alive. Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated. You have an annoying habit of turning up where you're not welcome.

Brian, I know you're upset now, but if there's anything I've learned in this life... is that you can't let the little things.... Hey! Hey! Where's my money? Don't you walk out on me!

Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way? Oh, my God. Yes, I do. And you so did not even. Oh! But I did. Yoo-hoo! Guys. (SQUEALS)

I think I can get on board with that. (BOTH LAUGHING) (KICKING) Road House. Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House.

Come on. Keep pushing, kids. We're almost there! I'm feeling nauseous. I think I got altitude sickness. Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.

Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit. Hello, Lois. (GASPS) Patrick! It's been a long time. (HUSHED TONE) Peter, he's here!

Hey... Hey, everyone.

I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels.

Muriel? Muriel! (SNIFFS) Nothing. You actually know what she smells like? I know what everybody smells like. - Carl? - Cheetos. - Mort? - Pennies. - Derek? - Brut. - Joe? - Feces. - Consuela? - Pledge. - Seamus? - Wood. - Quagmire? - Wood. Wow.

but it's the cologne, all right? I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here. That's how powerful it is, okay? That's how powerful it is. You like it? Yeah, I kind of like it.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

(FARTS)

Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg? Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman.

On your marks, get set, eat!

Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God!

Hey, Carol. I almost didn't recognize you without my special sauce all over your face.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Oh, hardy har har.

Because masturbation is abortion.

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

This ticks me off, so much!

Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad.

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Go... Go roll around in the sandbox... In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around!

the first white man I've ever met who knows math better than me.

All right, we need some wheels. This one's unlocked. An S.U.V.? Look, we're trying to elude someone. We're not driving to soccer practice. Let's take this one. Y-You like that color? What's wrong with the color? I--i don't know. It's just, it's so dark. Well, yes. But it doesn't show dirt. What? It doesn't show dirt.

Thanks, honey. But honestly I dunno how you stand bein' in the house all day.

All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

I wanted you to play it. You know, Like it was an instrument. I'm telling you the truth. Right, guys? Come on! oh, no, I couldn't. Come on! Well, Maybe one song. Pretend you like it no matter how bad it stinks.

I will now use my psychic powers to seek help from beyond. I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress. Hi, everybody. It's me, Lou Costello. All right, what's the name of the guy we're looking for? Well, he's an Asian fella. Melvin Hu. - That's what I want to find out. - What? - The name of the guy. - Melvin Hu.

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.

- Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING) Ugh. Get a tan.

We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Make sure your wife is out of the room.

Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing. Evidently, madam, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. What I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls! Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.

I need a real man. And Lord knows that ain't you. Well, I admit after a long day at work I don't always come home with that "Riunite on ice, that's nice" mentality. And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me?

(MOOS) I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun

...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...The Mondo Twins... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

(SIGHS) Well, guys, we made it. Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about.

I think it's crap, too. Wow. If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in,

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm.

Oh, are we watching a movie? The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.

If only there was some way I could be like everybody else again.

Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

- Hi, we're on the list. - Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo.

Uh, Angie? Peter? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Come in! uh, What is all this stuff?

Good morning! Is what normal families say.

Harm, I found that evidence we need. Now we can finally clear that Chief Petty Officer of all charges. Oh, what's the point? Does anybody even watch this show? Well, yeah, old people. I mean, they--they--they don't really pay attention. They--They just like the noise and the company. Hey, how you doing? How's that hip doing there? Remember the '40s?

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.

The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick,

That's not fair. I don't think I have a negative attitude, I just... I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey... Stewie? (TRUCK HORN HONKING) Say "Yes" to life, Brian! I'll be home for Christmas. Son of a bitch!

Hi. This is David Leisure. You probably remember me as the neighbor from T.V.'s Empty Nest. No? W-well, How about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu? The--The guy who lied? Oh, Come on! Those were really popular! They ran all the time! Jeez, All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now?

What? Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love, too.

Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want?

Hey, son, how'd you like to be a coke mule?

You got any dents you need hammered out? ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose! Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is. But first, get ready, Quahog,

Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God! Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God!

I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.!

I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person?

You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts!

Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day? No, no. Just cancel it. Okay, will do.

Thanks, Tricia.

The consequences could be dire!

I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest. You're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter. No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law. And there was that time I took a whiz in public.

Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy. Yes, you are.

Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us! Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here!

I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

you must write for Leno.

I knew it! MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off! Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt.

Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. But I do have a job to do. So get moving. 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty. Doodie means poop. It does. Are you, Dad? Are you the only one who does his duty? That's not how I remember it. What are you talking about? You don't remember, do you? I was in first grade.

Sir, I promise you won't regret it. Handiquacks is gonna be the next Simpsons. We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy. We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head. You go, "Wow! What happened?" Hmm. We take you on a little trolley ride down Story Lane. You're having a good time, enjoying our tale, think you know what's coming. Boom, left turn! You don't know how it happened!

Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.

(MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

Ew!

maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"!

Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet!

Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Ah! It's right up here past this clearing. He's been here about 3 months now. Wow! Where do you think you go when you die? I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living,

Peter, your theme is a dud. Yeah. I've never even seen Who's the Boss? Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00, and home by 11:00. Oh! But I can't do it without you guys, because I'll tell you who's the boss. It's not Tony or Angela. It's not even man-crazy Mona. It's all of us.

I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this?

Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! Keep going. No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano? Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Oh, That feels good.

Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open? And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away. We'll never get away with that! Oh, we just might. You see, I've got a lucky cat's foot.

Cool, cool. I'll follow you in my car. (WHISPERING) Come on. We're going. All right, hold on. Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for? So you can fuck dogs?

Next day at work, Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there. Stewie, shut up! What? It's just a weird image. Like the way Commissioner Gordon tells Batman that he just took a poop. Ugh! I don't need to know about that.

PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this?

Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh!

Humina-humina-humina!

You were the one reading my diary. LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right?

And then he made me clean out the fridge in the employee lounge,

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble.

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

I love you. Fuck off.

Enough of this! I must complete my time machine,

Could you... - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool. I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy...

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension. Let me ask you this. What about all the Renaissance art that Christianity inspired?

Giggity?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth?

Surprise!

Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie.

If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign.

Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold.

More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground.

Testicles. Huh. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit! Mom's gonna get whacked? What did you do? Oh, dear, there are so many people to thank. God, of course, and who else? This is so unexpected.

Aw, Looks like somebody's hungry.

Okay, how about "bathtub"? (ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom. A razor blade and a note? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally.

Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.

Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse? Lois, go grab me another bag of Skittles. - Excuse me, young lady? - Did I freaking stutter? " said more Skittles. All right. That is it, Meg. You know, ever since you got that makeover... you've developed a terrible attitude. And all the success with the family band is only making it worse.

Oh, man. He'd hate that even more than he hates sitcom two-parters. Tootie, it's 8:29! Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait! Now I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that drinking party!

It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants.

Mr. Griffin is my father. Well, has anybody read Huckleberry Finn? All right. How about we go around the room and everyone can say... a little something about themselves? Let's start with you there in the front. My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed.

Griffin, have you filed those shipping reports yet? Angela, Angela, come here. Check this out. Look at what this chick is doing to this polar bear. Wait, wait... Wait, wait, wait. It's coming up. (EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLING) There you are, Opie. Congratulations. You made Employee of the Month again.

Oh, Just die, already.

She had her tongue ripped out.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew,

Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then. (GASPING) It could have been me.

Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason. But then it thawed and cavemen came.

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!

I got no money. I couldn't even afford to get my hair cut yesterday. That'll be $5. Sorry, lost my wallet. But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch.

Peter, the circus is terrific. But it's not just Stewie's birthday. We're also celebrating the day our family became whole. Today means nothing if Meg isn't here.

Years of practice, boys. Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt! You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter.

Sounds like a pretty good motive to me. Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you. Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends. But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there?

Oh, yes! Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg.

Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up!

You've got to look your best tonight You tubby little parasite 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it there are things you must do We'll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow

I found this in Eli's corn hole!

Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! Ah.

Aah! Here, let me show you the turbo booster. Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts? I'd say come again? And then I'd laugh because I said "come." But thank God that's not the case, eh. You're a Scout. And you know what that means? That means I love you. Hmm.

Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

And if you're happy, I'm happy for you.

...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood...

No. You friends with Gary,

Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball!

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie. He's got quite a grip.

Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire!

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension.

Ooh it up A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

HEy, Shut up!

That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007, while you were supposedly in your coma. Look, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me? The truth. Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.

Hello.

So, what are you going to do, arrest me? No. I don't arrest cripples. (SCREAMING) By the way, you're under arrest. I only said that last thing 'cause it seemed cool. Oh, my God, that was so awesome. I saw everything.

Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

Oh, heavens! I look like a rake. No, you look like you don't care, and that's good. Oh. Okay. Um, if we're dating, does that mean when we go in there I can hold your hand? Good idea. Then everyone will think you're popular. Well, I don't really care about that. I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.

What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian. This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush."

Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man. Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas? Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa!

And I guess that's why They call it the blues And I guess that's why They call it the blues

Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars.

I choke myself every day, you bastard. (SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

A nude baby!

Why would you do that? 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. Hey there, Peter! How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? Sure! Okay, then let's... Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet.

But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed. Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet!

Do you feel me inside of you?

PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on?

Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass?

Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo. RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.

Hey, I got a lot on my plate, man. I'm learning to use the toilet, I'm learning what shapes are. I spent half an hour laughing at my own feet yesterday. Yeah, you're losing it, man. You're losing your edge. Well, I don't care for your tone and I'd say you deserve a good kick in the... (LAUGHING) Look! Brian, look at them!

Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!

Mamma mia! What is this?

You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

(IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you.

(MUNCHING)

Well, this is a nice apartment you have. Is this your dog? Yes. Isn't he the cutest little cutie-wutie? Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face!

Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me.

Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here! No one's out there, Brian. They would have come in. Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What? It's all on tape. What's all on tape? (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, that is gonna be on YouTube. Oh, God.

Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Now give that back to Mommy.

Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house? Oh, God! You're a monster. I'm beautiful on the inside. Yeah, but, Rocky, there's a limit.

Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this. Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. Chris, you're wanted on the phone. Everything's gonna be all right. (STEWIE SCREAMING)

Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No! Did he at least die with dignity? Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor,

so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs.

(PETER WHINING) Dad? Dad? (PETER WHINING)

(LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone.

It means you want to make love.

You poor damn fool. What? You have no idea what's going on here. He's not just a delightful new friend for the family. He's your replacement. Come on, that's ridiculous. You're getting old, Brian, and they know it. You're no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt. That's what... You're Carol Alt.

Yes. You suck. I rule. Who the man? Who the man? Who the man? All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

Would you like to see it for yourself, Brian? - Yeah, I would. - Good. Because it's gonna blow your mind like the stereopticon did to Americans in 1910. Hey, I'm in New York City! No, I'm not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. Yes, I am! What's going on here?

This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final. It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this. I mean, a British football team can't be that bad.

Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)

Yes... Well, victory is mine!

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard?

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril?

Oh boy! This'll be even easier than running unopposed.

Let's go home.

All right. Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh... Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh...

unprotected sex, and of course,

I'm Meg. Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say. Jefferson High is our rival. Sure, sex is fun, but you can't have it before you're married. Even if you use a condom.

HERBERT: Use the Force, Luke.

A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, just go to sleep, all right?

I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy! Hey, What's going on? There's a little girl down in that well. Oh, my God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no!

You realize the only reason I'm taking this meeting is that your wife is a reporter for our news division. You have absolutely no prior credits. Sir, I promise you won't regret it. Handiquacks is gonna be the next Simpsons. We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy. We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head. You go, "Wow! What happened?" Hmm.

I guess I just fooled myself into thinking you'd always be with me. I will, Peter. I will always be with you. His movies are terrible.

Is this Peter? No, it's Lois. Lois, don't crank call my mother. I'm gonna have to pinch you for that. Ow! Peter, don't pinch me. (BOTH GROANING) Stop that. Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that? No, don't. Here you go. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it.

Stewie, look what Mommy made for dessert. Ooh, Jell-O. How exotic! Why, I feel like I'm on the deck of the qE ii. Me and Chris will take ours to go. We've only got one more night to get that badge. Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we tried everything. We almost got that one for insect study.

How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while?

Cookie.

(MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

(BREATHING DEEPLY) - I hope I'm not bothering you. - Nope. Just doing some stretching. Maybe a few poses. You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right? Uh-huh.

Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you. Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key. Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk,

No. No. You know, Brian, I love it here at the ice-cream shop.

A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "Duh, I'm a dumb cop. I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket." I was going, like, 41. Oh, my God, I don't believe it. They finally got that son of a bitch, Briggs. You know that guy? You're damn right, I do. Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair. (CRYING) They got him. They finally got him.

They're on the carpet! Got one over here!

Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey? Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... so, I'm just gonna.... There we go. Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here.

Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was. This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh!

(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you.

And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed

Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

(SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Ah, Peter, isn't she beautiful? Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night. I mean Meg. Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's hot.

WOMAN: Radio DJs at local events MAN: Next week, The Boat Show. (BOAT WHISTLE BLOWING) (OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted.

(GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING) Oh! I love this song! Hey!

I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man. You mean diorama? Uh-oh. Hey, Lois, I got your pregnancy test. What the hell you need this for? I need it because I think I might be pregnant. What? My God, are you sure it's yours? Lois pregnant?

We gonna get 'em.

Okay, okay, I got one. Would you rather have dinner and then sex with Megan Fox's body with Leonard Nimoy's head on it or reroof an entire condo complex by yourself? Oh, boy. Can I close my eyes? No, eye contact the whole time and a lot of kissing. Well, how about Megan Fox's head on Leonard Nimoy's body? I know, somehow that's better.

we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

(LAUGHING) Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out. (RETCHING) Whoa! When did Reese Witherspoon get here? (GASPS) (SQUEALS)

No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast! I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby."

What the hell? Dick.

I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir. All right, Dylan. You know what? This isn't working out. All right? I don't care that I'm your father and you don't care that you're my son. We don't have anything in common.

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

- God. - Allah.

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made!

It's true. You are the best.

Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen? We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke. Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH) I remember that. I heard it from that guy. Cleveland? Hey, fellas.

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there.

If it's fish you wants, Pelican's Reef is where you'll find 'em. I've seen fish there. More fish than you could possibly imagine. Fish as far as the eye can see. Lots and lots of fish, i--i guess, I guess, would be the main bullet point of this presentation. Jeez, where is this Pelican's Reef?

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man.

Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this. QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, slide the red knob all the way out. And the second those wheels touch the ground, you hit the emergency brake.

Look, maybe we should just let Kevin explain why he did what he did. (SIGHS) At first, I believed in the cause. But then I saw what we were doing to the people of Iraq. Innocent people. There was one that I'll never forget.

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit.

Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome!

Chris, watch your language!

Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

(DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.

'Cause you know, I got to say, I don't think those rich guys have it all that great. Too much stress. You know, you give me the choice, I'll choose our life any day of the week. Me too, Peter. Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself. (SNIPPING) You look like garbage. What happened?

Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God. ...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and... And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that.

Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole. Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin. There is no talking penguin in The King and I. There is in "Peter Griffin presents The King and I." What? Now we just gotta think of some wicked funny stuff for him to say.

Peter, for God's sake! Oh, Ok, Ok. Grab my hand. And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square? Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. Yeah.

But it's AIDS

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore!

Come by and apply for your Han job, and I'll get you off and running. Other websites jerk you around and don't finish what they start. But with HANJOBS.ORG, we'll have you shooting for the stars! But keep it down, my neighbors don't know what's going on in here.

I thought being a hero would be all fun and games. Sorry, Wonder Woman. I got 3 kings. Now let's see your pair. All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at hER.

I'll do anything. You don't know me.

(IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice.

ANd a--And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o!

Then, we'll go shopping along the Champs-Elysees. Uh, Lois, I should probably tell you, I didn't come all the way here to go to museums and shops. (STAMMERING) Well, I don't understand. Why'd you even want to come here, then? Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who?

Come to earth When I went to meet her, man you should have seen her Twice as tall as me, 3 times the girth Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat

Ah, It was so nice of Joe to work things out with that judge.

What's your problem? Papa Tom's being a jerk. At least he talks to you. He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks. Well, all in all, you should be thankful. I think the Kennedys had a kid like you, and they had it put to sleep. Hey, Peter, I'm sorry about that business with the ice cream.

In your face! In your face! in your face!

Fuck's the matter with you guys?

What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off. All right, all right. I tell you what, - you get one free revenge shot at me. - Okay. But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming. This is gonna be fun.

Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth, would you like to sign the petition? (INCOHERENTLY SPEAKING) Uh, I--I don't... W-W-What's-- What's the problem? Ah! Okay. Thank you.

(GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING) You lose!

Yeah. I got an erection.

And now our next item. Direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat. Oh, man! That's perfect! $12,000! $13,000! $25,000! uh, Sold for $25,000!

Peter, for God's sake, you idiot! We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!" Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear! Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody? Chris, what the hell?

ALL: Aw!

Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say. Wait, you're not gonna go, are you? It's clearly some kind of scam. Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel. Oh, not the kennel. Last time you left me there for an hour. Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Hey, watch it. That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun... PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go!

Shalom, Jews.

About an hour ago. This party sucks.

What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh? I never slept with Francois.

(WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?

(CROWING) (CROWS)

My bike! Where's my bike?

No paper towels?

- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

(LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy. So, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon.

No! Why? Why? She chose the piano over her insulin. You could've had both! (CONTINUES SOBBING)

Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and... A lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and... Oh, here's where the story gets fun. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear.

Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird. I'll act however I want to act, you son ofa bitch!

Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?

Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us. That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges. (Both) We are 2 wild and crazy guys! You guys look stupid.

That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud.

Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."

(BONES CRACKING)

And you do

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy.

Um... Uh... Yeah, I see it. QUAGMIRE: All right, press the button right above it. Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

Peter, there's something off about that horse. You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap. Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing. About anything. (SIGHS) Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse.

blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week. But, Father-- Go to your palace! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, yes.

The solarium is at the far end of the west wing. Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society?

What the hell is going on here?

so she should probably always wear a hat. Look, what if you just waited until college to turn gay?

Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Hey, sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir! Oh, screw you! All right, Brian, this one's for you.

You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man.

(FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if...

(GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island. Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know.

(EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)

No. You can't swim with your shirt on.

The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute.

You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!

Come on, let's go out dancing. I don't know. I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow. I just really want to go dance. There it is again, what is that? So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security?

You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.

(PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me?

Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!

Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane? Well, it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.

Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS. Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?

Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out!

How about a little angry sex, huh? Oh, all right. (BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate. What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.

Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!

Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds? Ok.

I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive.

Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Peter! Ho-ho! You pat my back, I pat yours, and Pat Robertson pats Mr. Happy. (EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters.

What the hell? I made that for you, Brian. Meg! Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!

Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19,

I can go back in time and change anything in Brian's life. (MACHINE ZAPPING) Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

Where did you go? (Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote.

(PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING) (RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick. Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous.

Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that?

And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be. PETER: Of course, back then,

To end the show? MAN: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live!

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success. Please Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins.

Now they're having butt sex

STEWIE: Hey, fat ass! I got news for you. The News of the World! (SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING)

All right, here I go. Stewie. Hello, Janet. How about a push? ahh!

How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us. It's way easier to get into these clubs if you have chicks in your group.

Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

Boy, this is nice. I wonder what the inflight movie is? Joe, it's a private plane. There is no inflight movie. Instead, Topher Grace himself comes out to entertain you. Hey, guys, as you probably already know, I'm Topher Grace. So, I'm here to answer any question you have. Personal, life, career. I'm an open book.

You know what? Maybe I'll just go take up my old job as a construction worker in New York. Although I never did get the cat callin' right. Yo, baby. I want a piece of that. You suck!

that's what it would look like. Walk inside with me, Brian. This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall.

Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go.

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.

COMMENTATOR: And now back to The Kids' Choice Awards... with host Paula Poundstone. f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go!

Whoa. Freeze-frame! That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. Go--Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her.

My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time.

Oh, no! Here come the coppers! (YAKETY SAX PLAYING) (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

(HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS)

Here are the products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year. The African-American heart monitor. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead.

(Announcer) This July, let he who is without sin kick the first ass. Oh, Man, that's all we need. More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo. Well, not if I have anything to say about it! I am going to make sure this never sees the light of day. Peter, are you crazy? Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes,

How about I won't tell Mom and Dad about the money if you promise to do whatever I say? Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts. I mean it, Chris. I'll tell them. Mom, Chris took money out of the... Okay, okay, okay. I'll do whatever you want. I thought you'd see it that way. Here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me.

You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts? Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland. I need some passion in my life. I need a real man. And Lord knows that ain't you.

Hey, Chris. What's that? Did you sit on something? (MUTTERING GIBBERISH) (ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser!

Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? What about all that liberal crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations? You even cried after Columbine. Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy. Whatever.

We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this?

Hey Lois, you remember when I was the 3rd Hardy Boy? Peter, there was no 3rd Hardy Boy. Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores!

Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee

Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie. All right, got the little guy up from his nap. Say hello to everyone, Stewie. ALL: Aw! Oh, oh, look, everybody. It's starting.

Buy one, get one free. Huh?

Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer.

Oh, am I now? Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you. I suppose it's money you're wanting. I owe you some allowance and so forth. Oh, no, I don't want money, I just want to get to know you and be friends. So I can finally have a real dad who loves and respects me.

Peter, don't stare!

Say, that's a lot easier than eating 17 bowls! And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah! Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man,

They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband.

Randy Newman? Yup. Just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees. Fat man with his kids and dog

You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time!

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles.

So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What?

And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay? (GRUNTING)

Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

Giggity.

Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here. I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years? It's great to see you, too, Lois. It really is.

Yeah, I thought something was "a-mish."

Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.

Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up! Yeah, but... What? Let's put a hat on him to cover the wound, and then let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids and find a way to pin this on someone else. I love you so much right now. Let's go to the hospital.

But here's something everyone can understand! Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Sorry, Lois.

What? Will he be okay? No, he won't be okay. One-third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. (BEEPING) Well, that's it. But, don't worry, he won't burn in hell, thanks to all that Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school... make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what. Tomorrow you and I are gonna go out and get you some brand new outfits. Maybe a pair of those low-rider jeans that'll show off your cute butt, huh? Really? Wow, thanks, Mom. Meg in low-riders. Enough of that.

Wow! What just happened was kind of sad. (HUMMING SAD TUNE)

- My thumb. - Hold still. Quit it.... LaDawn, I thought we could watch a DVD together. I picked up the first season of Jimin y Glick. Imagine being that guy for a day. Colin Farrell, so I was talking to my wife, Dixie, the other day... and she was saying that you weren't a very good actor.

But first, the big news in entertainment this week is the lovable child actress, Olivia Fuller. Oh, my God, Brian, that's Olivia from the performing arts school. What sort of overblown contract has that dreadful bitch landed now? Most of you know Olivia as the adorable little girl in the Tasty Juice ads.

Whoa! ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the--

Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things. Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?

Glenn, we are so thrilled for you.

I'm gay.

Now, Peter, are you sure this is all you want for Christmas? I'm only going to the mall once. Yeah, yeah, that's it. ANNOUNCER: All new this Christmas, remote control cars that glow in the dark! PETER: Get that!

My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.

but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button! (BEEPING) Stewie, no!

Freddie Sanford Freddie Sanford and his son Freddie Sanford In a junkyard having fun What the devil will they screw up next? (GASPING) You are Kanye West!

Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me?

Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?

Cowards!

She was still passed out on the couch when we left. (GROANS) What the hell happened? Joe! You're okay! Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel!

Uh... What... Is... Um... Here, Lois, take a look. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze?

Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up.

Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think. Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track?

Look, Chris. It's a whole family of WASPs. My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham. Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set. All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this. Don't worry, Peter. I'll only work out during my downtime. Oh, look who it is. Only 14 hours late.

This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome!

Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter? Oh. I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone.

We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this? There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us.

Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

"Why only when I ignore you do you return to the center of my eye? "O squiggly line, it's all right You are forgiven" (PHONE RINGING) Hello. Oh, hi, Dr. Hartman. All right. I'll tell him. Thanks. Bye.

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down?

This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you.

"and let the husband horse slap a batch into her now and then." Well, I guess that's it. I love you, sweetheart. And I have a lovely gift of the batch-slapping variety waiting for you when I'm just the right amount of drunk. To Lois! ALL: To Lois! (SOBBING) (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Lois! Mom!

Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning!

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not. Thanks for everything, Monkey.

Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that? Well, you said I was stronger than you. And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going. Okay, let's see. You want to go for a walk? It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right?

You're like a circus freak!

The password is "flaming." You... Actor. You... Tony? You...

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class.

Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further. That's more like it. Tell me, what are the tank's safety features? What a good-looking question. Three inches of reinforced steel protects your daughter from short-range missile attacks. I see, and does the sedan protect against missiles? It does not. You hear that, Meg?

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse. Look. Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So?

Brian, do women like it when you treat them like crap? Well, I don't know if you want to be that black and white about it. That's it, isn't it? Women respond when you treat them like crap. Well, Olivia, prepare to meet a much darker Stewie Griffin.

You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough!

(CROWD CLAMORING) What's going on here? Your family must leave our community and return to the outside world. Dad, what's happening? I thought you talked to him. Sir, please, whatever your quarrel is with my husband, I'm sure it's probably justified, but I'm begging you, don't punish the children for it. They're innocent in all this.

Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

undefinedWhat? Wes.

Hey, little man. Tell Chris to open his window? Just around the corner There's a rainbow in the sky So let's have another cup o' coffee And let's have another piece o' pie!

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!

Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up! Well, I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter, but what choice did I have?

I don't think so, Lois. But the world is ending. We should be spending these final hours with the people we love most. Lois, a day ago, I was stuck on jury duty. Today, I have a golden ticket to do whatever the hell I want. I feel like an old guy who's reliving his youthful shenanigans. Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa. Oh, Sonny, those were crazy times.

He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy!

I know. I feel awful. It was a terrible thing to do. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. But there's an upside. You see, these past few weeks I've been doubting whether we're compatible. You know, because of the age difference. But I realized that that doesn't matter. What I get from you is what I always wanted,

Am I a blue state or a red state hobo? Blue, but Midwestern blue. Oh, boy. (GRUMBLING) It's cold out there. Am I allowed to alter the mustache? Dude, why do you keep trying to make Hitler work? Am I allowed to kill other hobos to increase my odds? Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo. Am I a walking hobo? No.

So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels, 'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

I should've warned you, she can be a real bitch in the morning. Mom, this is really weird. I want Dad back. I don't. Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill. Not like the fake thrill of running into your ex-girlfriend on the street. Rob? Hey! Hey! How are you? God, it's good to see you. Good to see you, too.

Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true.

What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here.

and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

Oh, hey there, Griffins. (BARKING) CLEVELAND: Oh, that takes me back. Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio.

And Meg even went on a date with the announcer from the Super Friends. Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra.

Oh, my God, a baby! Are you okay?

but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way. All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys. There, look, they have Chunky bars. What a God-awful mess those things are. Chocolate with raisins in it.

Cleveland.

A stereo?

And besides, look at this place.

But I did know her as a table.

We can.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

Peter, I know you're humiliated, but getting drunk is not the answer. Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing.

- Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)

Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really?

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word!

Give me the gun.

Hey! Hey! the dog just told me-- Be quiet, Stewie. Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg.

Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag! Get 'em! I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not. That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you.

MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Hills. Justin Bobby was supposed to be here already. - Are you still going out with him? - I guess so. I hate how he pushes his bangs out of his face with every word he says. Order me a beer. I have to find a spot for my motorcycle.

Meg, F.

Bueno.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy! (WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs. Oh, good, a baby. Oh, no, it's a girl. And I hate girls.

It's your brother. I found him for you, buddy. What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry.

Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.

Anything. I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian?

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING)

Unless you're there All the time All the way BRIAN: I'm not following the story arc here. STEWIE: Shut up!

you could shoot the dog biscuits out,

Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation. (ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me.

Wow. Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts!

All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.

9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep. Elliot? Elliot, wake up. Elliot? (GASPS) (RINGING) Officer Swanson here.

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.

Ooh, I'm Lois. Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. Oh boy! This'll be even easier than running unopposed.

What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh? (IMITATES FANFARE) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh!

Well then, giddy up.

Yeah. This will surely affect my inheritance.

Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh. Hey. Hey.

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth. God created everything, and the world is getting colder. What is your tax plan?

If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach.

you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? (SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that. Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank. You know, you don't... You don't deserve...

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter? Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra. But I would do anything for you, Brian. I'll be on the veranda since you're already on the cross. Oh, Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns.

if you erase me, you'll destroy the universe! What are you talking about? Listen to him, Bertram! It's true! Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad. The resulting explosion was the big bang. So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist.

You fool! (GRUNTING)

(GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

(CROWING)

You're making me sound like Michael Stipe.

Ahh! Unhand me, woman! I don't have gas! I'm in love!

Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads.

Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there. Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan,

Real happiness because we have each other.

Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone.

and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this? Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right.

Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--

You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy,

LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock.

What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.

(SAWING CONTINUES)

Oh! Oh! aah! Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job. You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson. I didn't want to overload her on her first time out. Besides CHiPs is about to start.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

Lois, I just saw Jessica Alba on television. We've got 90 seconds, let's go! Peter, I'm not in the mood! That's okay. We can do it anyway. Peter, I was assaulted in public because of you! Oh, my God, what happened? I'll tell you what happened. A group of kids attacked me at Costmart because you portrayed me on your show as a raging puppet bitch! Writers take from their lives.

I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this. A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy. Well, the pocket-dial giveth,

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again.

Well, here we go. Yup, that's what my friends say, too. "Well, here we go." Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too. I'm getting a context high.

Giggity Giggity Goo.

(SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady.

Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself. (SNIPPING) You look like garbage. What happened?

Joe, I know who did it. You do? Who? Well, there's only one person I know who likes to strangle fat guys, Patrick Pewterschmidt. Who's that? My brother-in-law. People call him the Fat Guy Strangler. He's always had a thing for strangling fat guys.

The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

(SCREAMING) There you go.

Yeah, you're right. Look there's the Aurora Borealis.

But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart.

By who? I don't know. Cobra! Oh, it's Cobra. Oh, of course. Look, they have the pictures of the snakes on their planes. Duke, what have I been saying for years? What makes a good terrorist organization? Brand recognition. Brand recognition.

No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable.

Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school. (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING)

Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ... No way! You're gonna be on T.V. Oh, sweet! Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi. You're on it. Oh, wow.

Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus.

I'm gonna be a woman at work who cannot get sick right now. (SNEEZES) Sweetie, maybe you need to go home. I'm not going home. I cannot get sick right now. I have way too much to do. It's okay, everyone will understand. No. I cannot get sick right now. There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower, and with this move, I just cannot get sick right now.

Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand. No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

You're not welcome here, Dig Them. I stand behind my decision. This press conference is over. I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom. Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting.

If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself, and now nobody makes those jokes anymore. I mean, he's still gay, but now it's no fun to joke about it, because he... He beat us to the punch.

Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush! Don't tell my dad. Rush, you're not giving him sweets, are you? God damn it. What's the harm? He's going to be pooping all over his Spider-Man sheets and I'm the one who's going to have to deal with it. Hey there, Rush. How you doing?

Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living? Hey, I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here?

Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.

I'm talking about go. That's what I'm talking about!

Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.

Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay...

Nothing else has worked so far So I'll wish upon a star Wondrous dancing speck of light

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

Welcome home, asshole!

This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country? What? Payback!

Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.N. interpreter. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something. He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area...

Heart and soul

Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot. Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly!

Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia.

Wow, my favorite. PB and J with the crusts cut off. - What did you get? - Your crusts. That's it? No. I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no! oh, Joe, - oh, I am sorry, buddy. - it's ok.

as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog Mall this weekend to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps kids clothing store.

Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.

(CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow. Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky.

Beep-boop-beep. I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice.

Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? I know. Who would've thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV? Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look. (ALARM BUZZING) Oh, there's the pie.

These students have the right to information about safe sex. Well, these parents don't think so. I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

(SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

Look, it's been 2 years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now If you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings. Come on. Give him a little more time. All right! All right! You've got 3 days to earn a badge! 3 days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going!

Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two. Great. What is your primary source of income? Umm. Sorcery. And a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery.

Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes?

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Daddy, please, stop this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period. This court will now come to ordER.

Oh, my God. I just drove. (SQUEALS) That was amazing. I can drive! Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment. 11:45 and the lights are on. Doing it with the lights on now, whore?

(RETCHING)

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present. All right, get on.

But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball. I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments...

Get it? Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig!

Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out. And to think I actually thought you raped me. Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room. What? Ah! Ah!

(SPEAKING ELVISH) (SPEAKING ELVISH)

Bring it on!

I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on--

(FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Shit.

Or what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu. hey, doc. D'you have to keep those 2 boxes right next to each other? Why? What do they say? I think we're through here.

"I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kidS." It's true. He did say it. A buncH of Hot young celebrities. It's perfect! The kids are on their way to L.A. to renegotiate their contract. But. Ha, ha, ha. But their plane is gonna be making a little stopover in Rhode IslanD. If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work.

I swear I heard something. (SIGHS) Adam, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right? All right, I guess. Good.

There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me. Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school... make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what.

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there.

Now I do.

No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.

I was thinking of you.

I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.

What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole?

I don't understand, John. The groundskeeper said he saw the mummy burning the flag. But mummies don't hate America. They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head. Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. Ok.

What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road.

Again? That's, like, the eighth time today. I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin. Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man.

With Babs, I usually finish in my hand and just throw it at her.

Well, At least I have my books. No. No, that--that-- That's Not fair! that's not fair! There was time now! It's not fair!

Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

Seeing As how the two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin.

Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!

Oh, great! Wait a second! Ah, You got me! You got me. I'll get him, though. I'll get him. I bet you will. I bet you will. Is that ham? I thought you put that back.

All right, I'll see you later. All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun.

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar?

Love you.

You think it was cheese?

Come on, do math. Dad, I need you to... Dad, what are you doing? Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look.

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S.

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again.

Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

I want straws. We'll get you a straw.

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING)

Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes.

but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um... I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion. We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house, so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.

No, it was a simulation. Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened... I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way.

We're gonna help you kill the fish. But this--this is gonna be dangerous. We could all die. Oh, Come on. You're our best friend, Peter. Besides, I can remember a time when you saved all our butts. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Hya! Yeah, Too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Let's see. I got 10% off a Netflix membership,

Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC) How can you even say that?

What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened. As soon as that guy shows up any place, it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth.

Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad? STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?

Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can.

Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool. Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen for a sec... No, you listen, Brian! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole,

Ow! It happened anyway! Hey, Stewie, you up? What the... Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me.

Ah! A ghost! Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok.

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Lifetime, television for idiots.

What are you talking about? Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley and I've just established the Church of George Jefferson. Who wants to move on up? (CHATTERING) Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard?

W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah."

I quit!

" got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing... and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.

Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE.

(CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit.

That's amazing, Lois! Thank you! Oh, I am very proud of you. My God! A TV pilot. Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler did after he wrote Mein Kampf. Well, we read it and we don't like it. (SIGHS) We love it! (BOTH LAUGHING) You got me!

This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending.

Maybe it was Diane.

Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

No, it isn't!

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love.

(GASPING IN TREMOLO) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY) Hey, Peter, you wanted me to watch the entire first season of True Blood and come show you where there was boob? That's right, I don't want to see any actual True Blood, just boob. Yeah, well, I found some.

Googity. Googity. Glop.

(SCREAMING) Meg, that was awesome.

but I'm still getting XVIII's mail. Yeah, no. No, he's not here anymore, this is XXIV. Yeah, no, I don't need Newsweek. No, I don't need National Geographic. No... Yeah, we'll hang on to Boys' Life.

Here, play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours,

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler. Edgar, could you bring me some tea? Yeah! Yeah! Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered. This guy's screaming and waving his arms around.

Conservative Republicanism is the answer. Good. Good for Brian. Brian, look at this. Now, this is a tasteful nude. It's called "A Saucy Outing In Tottenham Court Square."

Okay, all right, that's... That's seven 16-ounce steaks. Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full.

including the newest, most advanced multimedia milk cartons. Help me! I'm missing! Help! Why are you still eating breakfast? I'm kidnapped! Why are you turning me the other way? I'm still here! Scotty Jennings? Oh, my God!

So tough luck, Swanson. So, as you can see, Petoria has invaded U.S. soil. What are our options? Well, A military strike against such a small nation could cause an international backlash. True. But this kind of behavior can't be tolerated. Agreed. I suggest we start with political sanctions.

They can't cancel Jolly Farm. Peter, it's just a stupid kids' show. Just a stupid kids' show? What about Pengrove Pig and the Lollipop Luau? (STAMMERING) Uh, I don't know. This is going to leave a void, and somebody's got to fill it. I think you're overreacting.

Someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself. Not me, Peter. God. The real God. What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God. When did God ever say He didn't want someone else being worshipped like Him? It's one of the Ten Commandments. Oh, Come on, Lois. Those were written, like, 200 years ago. Times have changed!

And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt-marsh cutworms. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed! Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great. Cool. I'll call you later.

(LAUGHING) I'm not-- I'm not gonna be able to do it now.

You know, I like hanging out with you, Brian. I feel like a big boy right now. Yeah, this isn't so bad, right? It's like a very private party. I feel like dancing. Yeah, you know how to move.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Quahog's newest serial killer has struck again. Since the first victim at Quahog Park last week, three more men have been killed, all of them very, very fat.

Lois!

Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas. And Christmas is about gettin'!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point.

(GRUNTS) Damn these stubby arms! Well, this is no better.

Your Earth's bitch.

The whore gets her stubby fingers... He puts cigars in his mouth... ...in my wallet! Larceny! ...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way.

and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way. STEWIE: So, Obi-Wan, we meet again. What part of, "Stay 50 yards away "at all times," don't you understand?

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?

What th--What the devil are you doing?

You hear that, Meg? Yeah, it does not protect against missiles. See, these are the questions. This is why I'm here. Peter, you can't be serious. This is a 30-ton war machine. I'm still not sure. Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold. PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls!

(SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened?

She's a fraud!

I'm half shark and half Peter

Hey, listen, Lois. You know, I know your head must be turned upside down by this whole Peter thing. So, you know, if there's anything you wanna talk about... Oh, don't worry, Brian. I'll admit this is an emotional time for me but you and I are married and that's the way it's gonna stay.

My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! All right! That's enough! I-- I mean, will you all excuse me, please?

So, would you mind giving me a lift home, buddy?

That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!

This'll show them that Cleveland's not fit to be a parent.

(YELLING) What is it? What did you do? You almost shot me, you son of a bitch! That's because you yelled! No, you shot the gun first. That's why I yelled! "That's why I yelled." I'm watching you, buddy.

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry?

"And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up "and put myself in the garbage."

Did someone say Tex-Mex?

And your life's not gonna change because of it. What is that? Oh, my God, what are they doing? Why are they trying to publicly humiliate me like this? I mean, what's the purpose.... Shiny red ball. Peter, watch out!

And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name.

(LAUGHS) That is hysterical. I know! Suck on that, Quagmire. Yeah, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well. Oh, my God! What does it look like? You know, not half bad. Nothing you'd look twice at, but not bad. Oh, my God! That... You know, that is a tough road ahead.

Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods,

And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out! Wait! We can work this out!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)

Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone in A day or two

The thing was on for 10 years! And the funny repair guy was Lowell. It made Tony Shalhoub's career! - Who? - The tennis player? You know what, screw you guys. I don't even know you. Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings. I love Wings.

And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list And the smarty on Thanksgiving Who says it's the tryptophane

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb.

you'll find a pamphlet with a simple list of animal rights dos and don'ts. Wait a minute. I'm not allowed to have steak?

The crowd is storming the field!

What do you think of that, Neil? Daddy bought you a girlfriend. Excuse me. If anybody is interested, I already have a girlfriend.

Road House.

This isn't so bad. Yes, the people are friendly. I say the media has totally blown this whole thing out of proportion. Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack. Big boom. No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins.

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck. Hey there, little fella.

It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt.

Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah.

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS)

I did my prep research on Christopher Hitchens. I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

What? You are not performing an exorcism on my baby. Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force. No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp.

Oh, For the love of God. Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut.

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

John Deere tractor on top of a pig.

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind! A pox on quahog!

I bet you Debra really gave it to Ray today.

You know that last drill we had? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.

(GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your...

Look at this place. This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow. They have tennis courts! And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs! Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.

"To begin my life with the beginning of my life, "I record that I was born on a Friday, at 12:00 at night." (LOCK CLICKING) (DOOR OPENING)

Ah, they're back at school. Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was. This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh!

Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club. You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. I got A carton of cigarettes. old man grabbed me, said, "Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're grrreat!" Bastard.

SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool.

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no!

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. That... That's fine. Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(SCREAMING)

I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner.

Fat boy smelled a hot dog.

Away with you

Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter!

Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste.

Yes, it's that stupid kid. Now, listen very closely 'cause here's how it's gonna go down. (ROARING)

I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

(JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much! (SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt.

All right! Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

(WHINING) Lois!

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.

Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...?

married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh!

Stewie, what are you doing? You can't open Meg's gifts.

I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)

Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING)

What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt.

What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air You're a real pal, Jesus.

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING)

and Stewie got to build a nice little fort with all of your unsold books. My house is made of mediocrity.

Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want? I just want to talk to you about everything that happened. Um... You know, you were the only person who believed in me when I was down. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was.

And more importantly, are you all better than Jesus? I'm better than Jesus. Okay, yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus. But the rest of you... The rest of you need to accept the fact that I made a simple mistake. And here it is.

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me!

Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi.

There it is. The Crawford Ranch. I can't believe we're actually doing this. What a bonding adventure for the two of us. Settle down, Meg. Okay, I see old man Cheney guarding the place. (SNORING) 18% approval ratings.

So don't you try anything. Try what? I already practically rimmed you. Yeah, there was no practically about that. Mmm, smooth. I like what comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I like this, too.

It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God!

Yeah. I used to have a guy for that. Dick. Okay, now, you have a good one.

(CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Ya!

Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?

That's it? That was sex?

Looks like we got Imperial Cruisers on our tail. Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone, you are driving.

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

A piece of candy! Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.

Hey, Brian. In hopes that you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross. No, I don't want a crucifix. Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING) Okay. I'll take Jesus back now. (GROWLING)

All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right?

What would you do for a Klondike BAR?

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose.

You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

- All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant! Oh, crap!

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal.

Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

All clear, sir. Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like. (SCREAMING)

Let's go home, Joe. Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor?

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka It doesn't keep me up at night, but it helps me poo. (SOBBING)

Next, Peter Griffin and his dog, "Brain." We're off to a good start.

Voice test. "I'm Chris." I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat. If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny. System off. Splendid.

I was in a folk-music trio.

Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.

Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley and I've just established the Church of George Jefferson. Who wants to move on up? (CHATTERING) Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard? Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.

(BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!

Quagmire?

Save it, Meg! I don't need your apologies!

More golf course for me!

Until our hair grows back, Chris.

JOE: Welcome to the party, pal.

Well, I got my job back, Angela's happy again, and she's not gonna harass me anymore. Everything worked out perfect. Not really, Peter. Yeah, you cheated on your wife. No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort! I want my $2!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

Who's to blame? For Corey Haim His name is Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E You must refuse You'll make the obituary news If you mess with Mr. Booze If you've been so stiff they thought you died

I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today. Peter, This isn't a vacation for me. For god's sake, I'm trying to get healthy! yeah, Ok. Ok. All right. Hey, Hey, softball this afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake. Ok, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water.

Hey. Hey, Lois.

Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there?

Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

I love you. Fuck off.

Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you.

Pardon me. Is this first-period English?

Quick, everyone! Into the pod!

You might wanna check under your pillow. (STEWIE GASPS) How did she get in? She must have been quieter than Britney Spears' dietician. (IN QUIET VOICE) Easy on those trans-fats. Not everything needs gravy. You know, there're some carrots down at the other end.

What do you want, homo?

Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming.

I don't believe this, Joe. This is like living in Russia. I might as well just move there. You don't want to do that. It's dark, it's cold, and hooking up is just a crapshoot 'cause of all the big coats. (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) All right, drop the coats on three. One, two, three! Yeah! Oh...

Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night.

Well, I am about to change your mind. Introducing rock 'n' roll. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I'm on a highway to hell Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell

- Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time. - You people knocked me off the modem. - When are you coming home? How's the food in South America? Do the women there have exposed clitterati? I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman. Well.... Please, just take care of yourself, honey.

You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.

You took me away from a Swedish girlie-girl and her paralyzed, but trusting, cousin for this? $1,000 says I live. A thousand clams, huh? - What the hell? - Ok.

It created an evil clone of me. That's why I didn't feel more evil. All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied. If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup.

And just so quiet. (HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE) I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying. All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people. Nobody will buy it. There are no sharks out here.

WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should. (PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here.

Lucky there's a family guy

I don't collect until the end of the month. I'll see you tomorrow.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hi, I'm a French Canadian girl down here on my vacation. It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own. I like the swimming pool with a bar in it, 'cause you can sit on a barstool and you're in the water. I like how all the food and drink is included in the price of the ticket.

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.

and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here." Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud when they cast their eyes on such favorites as Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow,

And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

Sure. Wait, wait, wait. I want to get all snuggled in. Okay, go. "Chapter One, 'I am Born.' "Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, "or whether that station shall be held by anybody else, "these pages must show. "To begin my life with the beginning of my life,

What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!

This calls for a victory tune! (SINGING)

ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil, and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year.

Why'd he order a ginger ale? And who the hell doesn't look at jugs? Yeah, and he's got his cell phone clipped to his belt like he's some kind of big shot on vacation. Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are uncomfortable with Mahmoud because he's Muslim. What? What are you talking about? This is your post-9/11 racism talking.

Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food!

(TRUMPET BLEATING) Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend.

You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this.

Oh, I know all the things to say. Maybe I can help you out. - You'd do that for me? - Sure. Right after my favorite show. TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next, To Catch a Predator Who's Proud of Being a Predator. Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline. Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old?

So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg. I'm not gonna sit here and take this.

You can have... Um... You can have strawberry yogurt. I don't like strawberry yogurt. Oh, picky for someone who eats the same food out of a plastic bowl on the floor every night. Okay, I get it. A bowl that starts in the kitchen at the beginning of a meal and ends up in the living room. Shut up. And then forgets four seconds later that he ate it. Shut up! Harsh tone.

(FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME PLAYING) It feels like the first time Feels like the very first time

Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace,

Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you. Let us "Eh." "Eh." Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this. Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

Stewie, gather your things. Time to go. It's about bloody time! Y-- That idiot slattern sent the dog?

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm. And we have that kind of happiness, Peter. Real happiness because we have each other.

Man, he loved to play with this thing. Double fault! Come on, Brian. Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him. God, I hate this freaking cat.

I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind. Hey, you guys wanna see something? Grab a beer and follow me.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer.

My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive, he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star! Mom, can I get lipo, too?

Please don't send me away. I have to. You broke my heart.

Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

Just submit. I am submitting! It's getting worse! No, I mean really submit. Okay, okay! Oh, my God, I meant say you're sorry, not take off your pants. Carter, what are you doing? Oh, my God! And now that I've made you aware of the misunderstanding, you're still continuing with it. Oh, my God! And I'm still watching. What's wrong with me?

I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. Really? You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughinG. There's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap. That was classic.

Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

It was Stewie.

Excuse me, there's something on the wall. Now you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas and Fiji water!

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese.

Ok, here goes. Oh, God! That kill me? I was afraid of that. all right, Try the green one and the blue one. Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money. But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Mr. Griffin, are you ok? I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5.

Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart. Thanks, Daddy! Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck. The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser. I'll never be able to face Lois.

How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

Carter, as your boss, I command you to have a viewing party for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory, and you have to go cubicle to cubicle inviting people.

(SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

(COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today.

Hey, Stewie, there's something thunking around in the trunk of my car... and I can't get in there 'cause somebody busted the lock. You have any idea what that's about? That. It's this whole.... It's this whole crazy thing.

Ok, funcakes, let's do a scene. Ok, uh, Stewie, how about you and, uh, Let's see, one of our veterans. Um, Olivia. I'm not doing a scene with him! He's inexperienced! He'll drag my whole performance down! Are you serious? Is she serious?

My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham. Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

What the hell? Where are we? Oh, my God, this is... This is Newport Country Club. I used to be a towel boy here. That's right, Peter. You're 18 years old again. At least, that's how everyone will see you.

How much time do we have before you're un-born? With the time acceleration, I'm not quite sure. But trust me, I can feel myself getting younger. All right. The machine has been repaired. Now all I've got to do is isolate the cause of the acceleration curve and see if I can duplicate the shock wave.

And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes, but little did you know, you've had herpes all along. I didn't want herpes! Oh. Well, you've got it.

Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here!

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v.

God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.

What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart.

Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?

Donna? It's Grant, your new husband!

Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING) Oh, honey, we are so glad to have you back, but you really don't remember anything?

ANd a--And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o!

A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed

Well, I don't care for your tone and I'd say you deserve a good kick in the... (LAUGHING) Look! Brian, look at them!

Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Why don't you put your hands right there? It'll help me relax. Ok, buddy. Ahh! Heh, heh. Maybe you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you beer. It goes right through you. Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah?

STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it.

well, i'm--I'm trying to nail the flautist. Oh, Stewie! You're adorable! Yes, Yes. I rather like the sash, But do the Huggies make my ass look big? Peter, come on! You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding.

I see the sparkling little diamond On your hand It's plain to see that you've already

Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?

All right, Lois. Scotty can have his treatment. Oh, thank you! Thank you, and God bless you both! Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)

Well, I never was very good at building things. Like that time I built that handmade electric razor. By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!

What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway.

it's probably the right thing to do!

(LAUGHING) (CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING)

Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

"wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? Have the towel boy bring you another. Oh, I don't want to bother him. Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you.

"400 years ago in Bethesda, Maryland."

Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.

You mean the way, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's really, really funny?

It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage.

Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie?

The von Trapp family escaped! Reverend Mother, I have sinned. What is this sin, my child? Oh, well. No harm done. I too have sinned, Mother. Oh, my God! That's Rolfe! What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on!

Well, that's gonna be a challenge. But it can't be any harder than folding that thousand-mile-long sheet. All right, I got my corner. Everybody ready? Ready. Chris? Ready. Meg?

Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.

It's obeying all the rules!

(GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING) (GUNSHOT)

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS) (GROWLING)

All right, that's enough.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No!

(LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

where you're married to Molly Ringwald, Quagmire's married to Lois, and for some reason, we have a chalkboard in the living room. Well, what are we gonna do? We got to figure out what happened at this point in time. And I'll tell you another thing that worries me. You ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present?

A child's laughter. Peter, I think you should go.

Hey, Here's to family! To family! Oh, Jeez, look at the time! Come on. Come on, kids. Let's get going. Aw, Sorry, Meg. I guess It's another bunch of people that'd rather fake death than go to a party with you.

When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

- He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it.

What about my interview? Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

Let's get a kitty!

Yeah, but Joe just finished putting in his new home theater. It's gonna be tight, y'all.

There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it!

Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy.

Joe? And we have to get Stewie back! I remembered. WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

(BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(SCATTING) NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now back to the Fox News report with Rhonda Latimer. Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at.

But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know what? you know what? I bet you run into those 2 dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. And You're not gonna know which one is which, And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me.

Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois! (CHORTLES)

Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so. Do you? Oh, No, I just always feel badly when we have to be strict. Oh, Did I remember to turn the stove off? Yes.

You can't do that. It's Easter. Not in this house. Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody!

I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

Ah, What the deuce?

I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance. Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry! I think we just have to face it, Peter.

So Mrs. Griffin, what's it like being the woman behind the man? Well, y'know, When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical. But then I thought, hey! I could be like Hillary Clinton. Only, y'know without the penis. Tell us a little bit about your country.

Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God!

(CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.

Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino... Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape?

You got lucky, Dad. So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland? Pretty good. I made a spaceship... Wait a minute. I'm not talking to you. Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room. It stinks in here.

STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers. They're in the cabinet. I don't see them. They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking at? Can't you just come in here? No, I'm busy! (CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian!

You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy, but others might. Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy. Laura Bush killed a guy. Well, come on in.

All right, Stewie, since Lois says I got to keep an eye on you, we might as well have some father-son time. So I'm gonna measure your penis and then I'm gonna measure my penis, and we're gonna see whose is bigger. Doesn't really seem fair. All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway. FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids, coming up next, it's the Jolly Farm Revue marathon.

Me, too. Your body makes me so horny. Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter.

How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING)

You son of a bitch!

Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here.

Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh! Hmm.

No. No.

if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night.

COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg?

Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order.

Peter! Peter! there's--There's so much doody in here. I ca-- I can't take it anymore. I haven't eaten in 4 days 'cause I-- 'Cause--'cause I... I just can't fit any more in there. Help me.

Out of the way! I'm an EMT. (GRUNTING) Her airway's jammed. Come on now. Just like that. I need some gravitational help. Oh, no! Her clothes are constricting.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision.

Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.

Oh, Damn! I say, I seem to have sewn a shoe to my hand, may I go to the nurse? Replace him! Faster!

Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak!

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

it' s Sa turda y Nigh t! TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? undefinedA rare miss. " don't think that was a sketch, Peter. Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy.

Oh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl. I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one-D-4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-5 holy avenger. Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration.

Mr. Griffin, since you can't control your drinking... you've been demoted to the shipping department. Come on! This is your new supervisor, Angela. Mr. Griffin, we have different rules here. For starters, no drinking. Period. We start work at 7:00 a.m. sharp.

Imagine that.

Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party. Now, how could a woman at an orgy witness a murder? The bedroom was 100 feet from the window. Okay, first of all, the term "orgy" is outdated. We call them, "Genital jamborees." But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime.

I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die. Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you. Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you.

If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon,

They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time! I get to go, right? Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do? Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.

We can manage just fine without T.V. Ha. What's that supposed to mean? Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally. (BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe.

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy!

Okay, okay, I can do this.

Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?

Bye, new awesome friends. Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Personal, life, career. I'm an open book.

It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah.

Oh, Now you're just being crazy.

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)

We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money. Fine, if you feel that strongly, then by all means run. But I'm warning you, I'm not gonna pull any punches on the issues. Ooh, I'm Lois.

One more push. (STRAINING) There we go! It's a boy! And he's got a gun! (GUNSHOTS) (CRYING)

A Japanese or something.

Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex

watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe. Peter, instead of wasting your free gas on a series of comedic stunts, why don't you use it more constructively? I mean, we could take a family vacation. Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom.

(GROANING) (SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out. I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me!

The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!

Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!

All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants Hello?

Yes... Well, victory is mine!

Sorry, sir, private party tonight.

(LAUGHING)

Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra. Fine, Fine. I can see I'm not wanted here. Maybe I'll just find my own place. Oh, Peter. I just feel terrible about this. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need anything. You know what? Maybe I'll just go take up my old job as a construction worker in New York. Although I never did get the cat callin' right.

Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father."

Hello. Say, get the hell off my-- Hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass. Yes. I was hoping I could ask you about your neighbors, the griffins. the Griffins! A bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me! Ha-ha. All right. No, no, No! It's not all right! Hey, Fat boy!

Play Wheels on the Bus and get the hell out of my sight.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom!

Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing.

Oh, Man. What'll I do if I get fired? I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different. I just want to be. What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts!

It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.

Really? Oh, my God! How exciting. Well, here's my card. Give me a call. Now, perhaps some young gentleman would like to light me up. Allow me. So, what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing or what?

Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath.

Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis. Hey, guys, what is going on? No way! Cool! That thing don't bite, do it?

What? You son of A... Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Hit it! Cloudy skies and rain clouds Have come to stay Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way But f wanna be without a care

Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News.

I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer. God, I wish the power would come back on. Boy, Meg, I am so looking forward to this job. Peter, I can't believe you're working for Superstore USA. How could you sell out like that?

BRIAN: Where are we? STEWIE: This is Quahog, Brian. Same year, same time. But in this universe, Christianity never existed. Which means the Dark Ages of scientific repression never occurred and thus, humanity is 1,000 years more advanced.

MAN: I didn't like any of that.

You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death.

Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that! Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock. King Louis XI.

Chris, this is the speed machine that's gonna win you the soapbox derby.

Black guy mail! Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I.

Yeah. And I'm a great guy. I'm unemployed, but that makes her feel useful in the relationship. I'm gonna fix him.

I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Pass the salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost-empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. It's all out. There's dressing on that salad. Give me that salad.

Stewie, your head is so smooth. How is that even.... How you doing that? How you doing that?

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)

Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this. It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall. BRIAN: I have very good hearing! He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage.

Ahh! ahh! AHh! ahh!

(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

(GRUNTING)

COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool.

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

(SIGHS) This is so wonderfully peaceful. Yeah, really is another world out here. And just so quiet. (HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE) I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying.

When was the last time you saw your toes? I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me.

Gross.

I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day Until he seen his I bet you muthafuckas will too Because it's die muthafucka, die muthafucka still fool

Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.

Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog Police Force to Cartagena, Colombia, to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder. More on that later. Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop!

Geez, Quagmire, you need to relax. And I know how to help. Calgon, take him away. (SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING) QUAGMIRE: This is worse, Peter! Relax, this is supposed to be your time. This is the right way to deal with your problems.

I'm Peter Griffin.

I... I no can read these words. This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas. Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands,

(SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me! Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh? Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING)

Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back. Ok, here you go, honey. Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all!

Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are.

It was the greatest day of my life, and I owe it all to alcohol. Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power.

Wait a minute! I got it! No, lost it. There it is again! Perfect, Peter. Now we can all enjoy it. Here's to togetherness! Car! Car! Car!

Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.

Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something? Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know?

Stewie, eat your oatmeal.

Shit.

Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment. I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.

I hate Chris! He's such a jerk!

He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas.

(SOLDIERS MURMURING) LOIS: Peter, I don't think this is the right horse. PETER: I am 100% positive this is the right horse.

Go away!

That's just the kind of can-do spirit that built this nation. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, "that all men are created equal." MAN: Except the Jews. Franklin, for the fifth time, I'm sorry you overpaid for your house, but it's not going in. You'll be sorry. Noted. Moving on.

(EXCLAIMING) Ain't nobody talking to you. Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? You know, I'm really... I'm sensing something here that... I should be going. No, how about you stay here and I leave and never come back again? Stewie, this isn't how I wanted it to end.

(WHIRRING) (MECHANICAL HOOTING) I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying. Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin. I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house. 413, 413... I think this is it, Chris.

Here's Little Richard with Piano Riff Woo. (PIANO PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC) Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

(YAWNS) Been a long day, Lois. Long day. Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed! Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He is a graceful, majestic creature who is a part of this family and only wants your love and respect. The horse may have pooped in the bed.

W-What's new, Ed? WEll, Stewie, tonight We have a really big show. Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun.

Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe. Stewie, you got to get us out of here. If we stay in here much longer, we're either gonna freeze or starve. I know. But I can't reach the device. You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that?

I think so. I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day. Hey, New Brian. You have a guitar! Yep. In fact, I wrote a new song today. And I want to hear what you think of it. Where did you find the time for that? Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.

Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on.

I'm an author. I have contributed to the zeitgeist. Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means? If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana, which is a girl's name, and I'm... And you know, I'm not gonna give you... I'm not gonna give you the definition right now just for your satisfaction. You know, Brian, I don't think you're in a position, really,

Is that... What is that... Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that... And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its." A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from? Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal.

What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on!

The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you?

Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snakepit. That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood.

This may be kind of messed up, but am I the only one getting a boner right now? Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn? People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage."

She's gone. No! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back.

Hit it! Cloudy skies and rain clouds Have come to stay Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way

(LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going. You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it.

Got one over here! It's no good! There's too many of them! What do we do now? What the hell do we do now? We pray.

Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are.

Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!

Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

(BELCHING)

And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

How's it going?

(TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING)

I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store.

Will you answer one question for me? Yes. Thank you so much.

" wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen. Really? Oh boy, that's a relief. Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!

Meg, I need you to baby-sit Stewie tomorrow afternoon. Mom, you know I go to the mall on Saturdays. I mean, I do have a life.

Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack.

Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!

(GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Should we help him? Eh. (MUFFLED) I think... I think... I think...

(STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No!

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.

Oh! (YELLING) We'll take my carriage. Oh, crap! Well, I'm still here, you bastards, so let's do this. (WHISTLE BLOWING)

I didn't see a thing

- Hi, we're on the list. - Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs.

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous.

Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Yesterday, voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person they want running their schools. Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide. Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

Come on, guys. Wait up. oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs.

Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh!

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going. Okay, let's see. You want to go for a walk? It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry.

Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out.

"The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh? Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl.

PETER: But one day, Vageena went swimming too soon after eating a sandwich, and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now!

to teach me how to whine and do my

Don't push.

Nobody move! Nobody move! Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile!

You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Got to make you understand Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around...

(GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen.

And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up. Griffin! Lady Redbush!

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well.

Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING) (SCREAMS)

Ah, Don't feel bad, Joe. I--I think I know why your son beat you. Apparently, you're a 12-year-old prepubescent girl. Wh-Which is good, because I finally have someone to give this training bra to. Here you go, Josephina. Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms? Ha! Ha! It sure does, Mister-- Get the hell off of me!

Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.

God, I hate PBS.

Where do you think you're going? I'm going downstairs. There's a toll in the hall now, 10 bucks. Look, can I... Uh! I just... Uh! Stewie... Uh! Look... Uh! Come on... Uh! I... Uh! Just... Uh! You... Uh! This is... Uh! Can I... Uh!

What? Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh? Huh? Would it not? Evidently, Lois Griffin, star citizen of Quahog, is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur.

There's my little Lois. What? Lois?

I went to me barber at the shop,

I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better!

because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us! And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog.

Jack, that's got my poop in it. I know, I know. It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery. Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know?

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.

(AS KARINA) Yes, well, that gives you no right to be a blaggard! Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out!

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy.

And if you have sex, you're automatically in Al-Qaeda.

We're not supposed to leave the table.

Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING) (SOBBING)

Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. Let's give you a nice, tweedlie little mustache here. And maybe a big, old dumb-guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?"

Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me. Peter, what the hell is this about? I'll tell you what it's about. It's about you and Ross Fishman! What? I saw you with him the other day, breaking the 5th commandment!

The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works. So what you're saying is that it happens overnight? Look, Peter, I'm the one with the Jewish heritage and I really don't want to make a big deal out of this. Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew. Now, listen up. I like the hat and I like the scarf,

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick. Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh.

You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake. There were only 2 left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams, and he'll think we've already changed. Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy! One good one for every 10. Ho-ho!

Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there! Always nice to meet a fan of my movies. Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy.

You shall not pass.

Killer in the house. Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler, I wouldn't be afeared. Oh, Peter, that's good. I know, Lois. Hey, guys, has anybody seen James?

I did good. Drive. Any particular direction? That way. You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town.

Okay, well, uh... I'm back from agricultural school, and I might have the solution to our farming trouble. I brought some heirloom tomato seeds. That's nice, Brian. Here's a new kind of meth you put in your pee-hole. What? Oh, yeah, we're meth dealers now. Yeah, you missed it. My teeth came in and then fell out again. I don't believe this! Are you guys insane?

Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel? And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption.

if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too

(SINGING ELVIRA)

Wow, Jimmy. That was everything Ladies Home Journal said it would be. Awesome, great, thanks. You know, there's something I.... There's something I gotta tell you.

I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie. Please don't do it. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you lately, but I love you and I need you. Please come home with me. Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. This is so hard. Think about what we have together, honey. Think about our little girl.

She's probably a little fragile after being in there so long,

Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh... Well, I lost my train of thought. But this is really exciting.

Take out your pencils and start your test.

Shut up, just shut up! You have no right, man!

But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike!

Only fat women are fat. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived. He wants fat? I'll show him fat. The only reason I'm eating anyway is because of him. He won't touch me. Do you think I'm fat? Only if you think I'm a serial killer. - What? - Nothing.

Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

(GASPS) Bertram! Hello, Stewie. You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! Play with this!

Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line.

Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

Oh, my God! I'm drowning! Ugh! And That was Merle Haggard, with I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist. Coming up next-- All right, Here's one. Let's jump that. Ooh! Yee... Haw!

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do two can be As bad As one

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's... a... fam-i-ly guy

PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w--

Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.

(GROANING) This is gonna be a bigger pain in the ass than getting into a last clap contest with Cleveland. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus. Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time,

Hope it's one of yours. - (DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART - PLAYING) Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless...

(LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers.

Loretta,

Hi, Glenn. Oh, my God. Cheryl, what are you doing here? Well, you know, it's been so many years, and I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd just drop by and say hi. My new boyfriend I guess knows you, and told me where you live. (CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you. (LAUGHS) He's so bossy. I love it.

Name something you find in your bathroom. (BUZZER SOUNDING) A sink. Show us "sink!" Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that. Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl."

Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us. And truthishly, we should just accept that. Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City?

(GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop!

it's time for Petey's Funhouse. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING) It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head.

Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING)

You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool A squirt, a spurt Of somethin' just for Ellen And you'll see that she will find you so compellin'

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that.

My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry. Yeah, huh, any idea who it was, Peter?

REAlly? You--You think you could do that? Sure. All we gotta do is get you A little fixed up. you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean-- shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you. Gee! Y-You really think so? Absolutely.

Isn't this epic, Peter?

You are the weakest link! Good-bye!

Jasper called.

And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?

Hey, Lois, look.

STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING) My God! She's dead. She's been shot!

My son got into DeVry. Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything?

And I change up the tempo Brian comes in and he changes the song Looking at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong Hey, Brian Why are you bringing me down, man? Why are you bringing me down?

Can we... Can we just lay here?

PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!

Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it.

We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING)

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

I'll finish it later. Yay! Lois, these eggs are scrambled. I thought for sure you'd be making eggs Benedict Arnold.

Son, Son, i--I told you.

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

- You see Jimmy Smits in there? - Yeah. Yeah, that was cool.

You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have?

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.

You two didn't hear that, did you? BRIAN: Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. BRIAN: I don't work here. Then I'll have you killed. BRIAN: I want to die.

You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free.

"Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?" (BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

And if you don't let me go right now, you're gonna lose your dad.

Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest. It can't be done. Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ.

How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago.

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian.

a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what,

They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Ya! Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems.

You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past. Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies.

All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

Giraffity.

of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole 'Cause if you use toad then I'm telling you you can kiss your life good-bye

And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair, that's why I'm naming you my Chief of Police.

I can't believe Brian's dead. My best friend in the whole world and he's gone. (CRYING) You know, Peter, I think he was also my best friend. He was the smartest person I knew. Nothing will ever be the same again.

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases.

STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there.

How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it,

That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.

I accidentally sold him at the yard sale. You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

They report whatever they damn well please.

That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

Oh, and we do have one special today. It's an avocado pit with a little bit of avocado still on it, and that comes on a ripped pair of boxer shorts.

This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called, holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da.

I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. Ah, So much rug burn!

Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny,

James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!"

Well, the DNA test results are back. This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire. What am I supposed to do? I don't want a baby. Look, somebody's got to take this kid off my hands. I can't be a father. Well, Glenn, you don't have a choice. This baby is your responsibility.

(STAMMERING) Are you... Cheryl? Hi, Glenn. Oh, my God. Cheryl, what are you doing here? Well, you know, it's been so many years, and I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd just drop by and say hi. My new boyfriend I guess knows you, and told me where you live.

Look who's got pimples. And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy! I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before.

Yeah. How'd you know he was bluffing? Well, When he lies, he blinks twice.

No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

- Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over. All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery.

Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

MAN: And now, back to Jake and the Fatman. Hey, look over here on the carpet. That's a cigarette butt. This is probably evidence. What do you think was in that Danish? You think it was cheese? 'Cause I got a little problem with cheese.

Which one of you is the lucky bride? What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

It could be worse, though. At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway!

By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while.

Get ready to land.

Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle. And it's weather-treated with a mixture of whale skin oil and children's tears. (DOORBELL RINGING) Yes? Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law.

I got a splinter! (WAILING)

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know.

They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery. FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72. Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me!

Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

All right, tooth whore, do your worst. (ALARM RINGING) A-ha! Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay.

Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins. Nellie here is a homemaker, and I'm a queer chaser and beater.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

As was your fate, Mr. Fly, so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body!

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

(ANGRY BIRDS MUSIC PLAYING) Go, go, go, go, go... Aw! He so should've died. This is bullcrap. Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox Hoping you could be coerced I can think of quite another place They should've stuck it first

Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. We had reservations at another place and they... Right, right, honey? Yeah. They couldn't seat us for, like, an hour, so we ended up coming here and we just loved it. Loved it. I can see why. I mean, that halibut was... That may have been the best halibut I've ever had. Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? Yes! Thank you!

You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.

This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory.

Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly?

Look, he's got a landline we can use! Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't feel right about that. We're guests, and it's long distance. Doesn't matter. The line's dead. Oh, my God!

This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal. Hello, Alaska! Adam!

Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it! I deserve to relax, too.

Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.

(GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

Hey. What are you doing here, dork? Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter. Nice going. This dinner was a disaster. Eh. Clash of the Titans' owl was worse.

Hi, Connie. Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day about how much you liked High School Musical 2 so I burned you the soundtrack.

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA?

Well, Peter. It sounds like you should go out and co-mingle amongst your newly-found brethren. You know, absorb the culture. Wheelie timE! You know, You're right, Cleveland. I--I should be hanging around more black people like myself. Thanks.

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian.

Ok, disability claim.

No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room!

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah!

Ow! Ugh! Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip.

Hey, maybe we should just cut off her leg and count the rings. Yeah, or maybe try carbon-dating. I don't know what that is. You know, we're gonna have to talk to her and kind of steer the conversation in a way that gets her to spill it. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. Hi, sweetie. Hey, Meg.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done? Looks like you ran over him, Lois. Oh, no! He's unconscious! Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up!

(SAFETY DANCE PLAYING) We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance

Mom, I still don't get it. How could Dad turn into some kind of feral creature just from two months in the wilderness? Yeah, it's weird. He doesn't even talk. Well, he was living among wild animals for two months, and you know how impressionable your dad can be. Hmm...

He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around.

(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out. (GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop!

Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep flood waters from floating into my bum. (LAUGHS) No. No, I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed. I don't think you realize the danger. Like the people who think it's okay to bring shampoo on an airplane. So I told Brenda, "I work hard. I like a clean house when I come home."

You just have to remember that life has its little ups and... Jeez! We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. There it is. Dad, watch out! aah!

For me to poop on! What?

Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death. What the hell is this? It's a boy!

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING) Peter, it's okay. It's not okay. You don't know what it's like.

(EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING)

Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it.

PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch!

Here with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma. That's wrong. That's wrong. You're not doing good so far. I'm standing here surrounded by snowdrifts, stalled cars, and the one douchebag who wears a tank top every time there's a blizzard. Yeah, this is nothin'. Guy at work drank a quart of motor oil once and didn't even die from it.

... you. That's who works here! Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this?

- Kneel before Christ! - Ah!

Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.

Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing. You want to get a book published, don't you? Well, yes. Well, if you want to be in black and white, black and white's got to be in you. (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

PETER: Goodnight, honey. Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

Oh, Dad, do we have to... Ow! Don't cry! Don't cry! Game's over if you cry. (SLURRING) I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this. Peter, I think you may have had one too many. Maybe it's time to ease off, huh?

I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

(GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts!

Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you."

No. Oh, my bad.

You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break!

Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much.

How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid.

so we got a little welcome-to-the-family present for you. Your husband's work and poker game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there, too, but I don't mind if you don't.

Oh, look, everybody, it's the burning bush. (ALL GASPING) Hello, Father. I thought I made it clear that you are no longer welcome here. You know, I've been coming to this church for years. I've heard all the stories.

- So, I baked you a pie. - Oh, wow. Hey, that looks delicious. Mmm. Wow, this is good. What's in there? Well, there some apples and some cinnamon and my hair. What? My hair's in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian.

He rocks in the treetop all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song All the little birds on Jaybird Street Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet Rockin' robin, rock, rock Tweet, tweet, tweet - Rockin' robin Tweet... I don't know, Peter. This all seems kind of creepy.

"I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here."

Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible? Um, uh... That one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Hang on a second. What's going on here? Something doesn't add up. Just a minute. Time out. This ain't quite right.

(SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war." My God, look at you. Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot. I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs. WOMAN: Oh, God! Oh, God!

and why should I give a damn?

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat It really hurts bad And so do skin grafts Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that?

He's a family guy Good morning! Is what normal families say.

Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance, but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair. Thank you.

Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end. I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer. Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway.

You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob.

Carter! Oh, Carter, you're alive! I've missed you so.

53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch.

Shut up, Meg.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women.

Hey, buddy. Close the door!

Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward. It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it? What the hell?

Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it, and I got lucky. But someone else could hurt themselves, and a small cut is a death sentence in these times, so let's just, you know, let's... Let's get these rocks out of here.

That means you'll play the organ. It also means that this family is gonna start going to church again on Sundays. Being there today reminded me of how important religious services are to the moral fiber of a family. And lately this family has been lacking moral fiber. Especially you, Meg. Meg! What happened to you?

This is Peter. You know what to do. Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons?

Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.

All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

(CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING)

Excellent. This is so important, I'm going to sign it with all capital letters. It's going to say, "ADAM WEST." That's what it's going to say, you'll see. Hey, buddy, you can't go in there. (PANTING) Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten thousand signatures. I've been up for 24 hours,

And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

- No. - Why not? Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup." - Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch. Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly. I don't know...

I say, what are we looking for? I don't know, some proof of Mayor West's corruption. Whoa, whoa, what--what the hell are you guys doing here? I'm sorry. We happen to be here to solve a case. Uh, we were here first. Well, you know, this is a free country, dude, and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work.

Isn't that right, Milli? No, it's just as good. Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba-ba-ba-ba- Baby! Ah, What's the use? You're right. Cease this prattling! This campaign literature must be posted today if we are to get you into office, and out of my life, you festering strumPET! Hey, you guys. Lois, you running for School Board?

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(CHIMING) Well, I got AIDS again. Better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS.

Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey!

PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business. I just happened to be there with my video camera when a ninja shows up! And then a Nazi came! And then an evil pots-and-pans robot! (IN MECHANICAL VOICE) Destroy. Destroy.

I'm gonna go. oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava.

Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Now, I have to get hemp illegalized again, and the only way to do that is to start a fear campaign designed to turn people against pot. Will you help me? Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I could never go against Brian like that.

Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden. What are you getting all bent out of shape about? Well, you know, Karl, i--I didn't get... I got virtually nothin' here, you know? Look, I don't see what the problem is. No, you wouldn't, would you? L-Look, all I'm saying is, I got the raw end of the deal. You invited me over. Yeah, well, now I'm regretting it.

Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her-- Graham cracker. Graham cracker, yes, yes. That's--That's it. Um, All right, so, uh,

Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty. Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your-- Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little-- Ahh! Oh, God!

Look what happened by accident.

You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!

MAN ON TV: We now return to Malcolm in the Middle. And I told you boys to pick up your clothes!

Still, it's pretty amazing. Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters.

MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

Hey, I just got a crazy idea! Aah! Why? Why? Why? Hey, I just got another crazy idea!

Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt-marsh cutworms. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed! Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.

No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out. "P.S. Your vagina is in the sink."

He's dead. I forgot my purse.

"Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, "but when you walk into a bank, "all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'"

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Well, maybe the doctor is the mother. No, that's just crazy. I got it, the dad in the car has to be a vampire, he's already dead, and he's a doctor. That's pretty smart. Let's go with that. Okay. The doctor is the dad, who is a vampire.

"the only negro in the state of Wisconsin." Amen.

Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak. Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe.

Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's... There's something different about you. You're not wearing glasses. Yeah, they got busted. I'm wearing contacts. I can see your eyes and your eyelashes! They're beautiful! Who cares? What gives?

There's nothing these Kids learn in school they can't learn on the street. It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie? Well, You tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive? Depends if he stops to see his ho. That's what we call a variable!

Monkeys aren't supposed to drink chardonnay! He's tricking you! Get out of there! (SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV)

Peter, I'm 43.

Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies.

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck?

running across the meadow picking up lots of forget-me-nots

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that! Oh, This is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town!

Where are my flapjacks? Huh?

Oh, thanks, Damone.

Hey, Thanks for bringing me here, Cleveland. Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement. Ahem. Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors. - Amen! - Right on! Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could.

Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married I have never been as angry as I... What is my piano doing down here? It was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but... Never mind. That does it, Peter. Either this bar goes or I do! Lois, honEy, I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here.

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now. I don't believe we've met yet. I'm Carter. Uh, I'm Chris. CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this! Hey, anytime you can celebrate the end of someone's periods.

Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts!

You know, you look really weird from the side. Well, that's something we didn't really think out too well when we started.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy!

You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding. You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her. Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?

We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!"

The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power. I answer to the power of Jesus Christ. Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here. I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing. Boy, wouldn't it be great if life were like this?

And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see.

When will our passports arrive? Check back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks? But I have a baby at home! We would have sent you back with the other passengers, but, uh, we didn't know you were stuck in the bathroom. We weren't doing what you're thinking. - I was. - Hmm. We apologize for the hijacking. Ah, That's ok.

(MIMICKING LASER SOUNDS) God damn right. You hear that, Lois? And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair. (ALL GASPING) What?

Oh, my God! (GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse!

Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison!

Peter, you can't be serious. This is a 30-ton war machine. I'm still not sure. Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold. PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank.

(SHARPENER WHIRRING) Clean that up.

(GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl!

(LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you?

You will be punished for your decadent ways on the first day of Radaman. You... (ALL LAUGHING) Wait. Wait a minute. Did I just say... What did I say? "Radaman"? (STAMMERING) Ramadan. Radaman. What is that? What is...

Spread your tiny wings and fly away And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day The one I love forever is untrue And if I could, you know that I would fly away with you

Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?

All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Are you saying you want me to stop hanging out with Joe and Quagmire? They're my friends. They're all I got! And you know how hard it is for me to make new friends. Is this friends?

- On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin.

What's happening? I got it! Carter, somehow you and me are gonna find a way to get rich. Now you're talking my language. All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

"warlock, more powerful astronaut, beer expert." Yeah. And I need something that pays more than my last job as... Sandy Duncan's glass eye. PETER: Hey Sandy. Sandy? SANDY: What? - What're you buying? - Some breakfast cereal. No, don't get that. That's a bad cereal. Get some of the Boo Berry.

Oh, God! That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane. Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)

PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

(TRUMPET BLEATING)

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

- That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please? What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.

Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum.

Bring that trash in here!

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!

Holy crap. Evel Knievel gloves. I bet I could do a wheelie with these. How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours.

"You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

And it smells a lot better than I

Uh-huh. It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter? Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time!

Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out.

This is Peter. You know what to do. Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of town hall with a high-powered rifle!

Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens from years...

Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.

Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. Eh.

Oh, God! You're crowning, and there's flies on its head. Ugh! That's regurgitated cud! No, I can't be a part of this. Look, I'm just gonna leave you all the gauze I have. When that thing comes out, just wipe the crap off of him as fast as you can and... I don't know, man. Good luck to you.

Mom, check it out! I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired. Oh, shut up, you bastard! Chris, we should have a talk about Meg. She's really upset that she got fired.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

So... No, you can't take him. You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there.

(GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry. No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Yeah, I thought something was "a-mish." Hey, excuse me, fella? Yeah, we're looking for a room. Are ye indeed, outsiders?

What the hell? Dick.

Congratulations, Lois. For what?

Who's with me? Well, I'm with you.

Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me.

You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to. But the lucky one was me.

Whatever you say. mama's boy. Blast!

just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant... just to sit around and do whatever you want.

(CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

Okay, okay, there it is again. What the hell? Stop with that! You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors. That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it? - Pretty much. - You can't write.

we're gonna have to have an orgy. - Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well.

Aw, Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up!

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast!

Yeah. What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.

The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

No, I'm just kidding. She's dead.

Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go, so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!"

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

I don't think they choose that. Oh, please, they choose that. (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room.

Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys. Yeah. Boys. Yay, I helped. - Cheryl, wait. - Jillian. I'm sorry. I'll do anything, please! Meg? Yeah, this still happens sometimes.

ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

Meg, order up! Here you go, hon. From Flappy himself. I don't care if they're from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan! Try them. You'll like them. Yes, well, I rather doubt that. Oh. Yes! Oh, These are delectable.

Yeah. I've never even seen Who's the Boss? Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00, and home by 11:00. Oh! But I can't do it without you guys, because I'll tell you who's the boss. It's not Tony or Angela. It's not even man-crazy Mona. It's all of us.

I did it! I killed her! She's dead!

Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. (Man) And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals. That was a great cruise. Yeah, the buffet was great.

A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation. Okay, ifl make this, we're all gonna get laid. Yes! Score! Score! BRIAN: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.

Oh, Dad took me to a doctor to get the fat vacuumed out of my belly. What? I didn't do it. I'm just gonna stay on my diet and exercise. Good for you. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

That should be me everyone's talking about! Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger?

Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch.

So, do you want to talk,

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby. I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest.

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Hey, it's a different time!

Oh, And she has gotten fat!

Oh, my God. I could've had a V8.

This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake. I'm not "The King." I'm not "I," I'm not anybody. So, what? I had sex with you for nothing? No, Peter, I...

I have seen a lot of medical shows. You see, the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on a duct. I'm sorry. What? I don't know what to do, Brian. Breastfeeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in.

Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter. That ought to slow them down. Being a single mother is hard.

I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

For the hundredth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag, nag, nag. Sometimes I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party. Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home. Wow, strange lady. You're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois.

gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity!

First of all, when I was over at your house the other day,

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.

Oh, your ears. Your ears are like dog ears. Oh, this couch. Stewie, your head is so smooth.

Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson. Once a man at his physical peak brought down by a cruel twist of fate. Why? With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie.

You know what? I'm gonna let those fugitives go. You'd do that for me? I'd do anything for you. I love you. I love you, too! Now, come out here and give me a kiss. JOE: Peter, no! Wait a minute! I don't have a wife!

First I took an art class. Am I... Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music. Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

Doin' someone that you used to do

It gets better after the first... (SNIFFING) What smells like head? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston. Not everyone.

Hey, you know what? Listen, Zapped sucks. Why don't we go see Krull? Peter, you know I'm dying to see Zapped. I would much prefer Krull. Well, maybe you should just go by yourself. Well, maybe I will. Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?

Oh, okay! (SNAPPING)

(ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Hey, guys. Well, it's been great to meet you all. And I am looking forward to getting to know you while we're here. - Dude, put your pants on. - Shut up.

Well, I'm off to work at the brewery.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!

Karen Black. What an obscure referencE! Hey, What the hell? I told you to waste those Kids from Dawson's Creek. You're missing the most important thing here. You said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply. And, Now the whole world does. YEAH, I guess so. You know, My ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get outta your hair.

Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld!

How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch. Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?

Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out!

$780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What the hell happened? Where is everybody? You don't suppose... You think we're the only people on Earth? I don't know. I tell ya what.

Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.

That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding.

The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters,

All right, now let's get this diaper back on you.

could I maybe have one last kiss? Well, I guess so. Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey!

Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

We now go live to Drunk Billy in the Channel Five newscopter. This just in. Channel Five newscopter pilot Drunk Billy passed away today. In anticipation of this event, we put together a clip package featuring some of Billy's work for Channel Five News.

At this point, you guys are being as irresponsible as I am! (GONNA FLY NOW PLAYING)

All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian. I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right? Shh. Shh. It's okay.

Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

(GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES)

We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money.

Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

Okay. 401-555-1125.

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force.

Here, go ahead, do what you just did, but with me. Ow! Oh, my God! (BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Call somebody! Oh! We need one of those boards they use for football players! (GRUNTS) Hey, what's going on? Nothing. I just figured out why cats are better than babies.

(BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want? I just want to talk to you about everything that happened. Um...

Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion. (TRAIN APPROACHING) Train!

Jackasses. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. Congratulations.

it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please. We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth. And I've got a pretty good idea who you've been selling it to as well. Oh, hey, uh, Beaker, when you're done talking to your friend, I want to, uh... (GRUNTS) I want to talk to you about that thing.

What the hell's going on up there? (SNORING) What? Yep. Yep. So tell the truth. Have you brought other women up here before? - Honestly? Two. - Really?

All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess!

- Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do.

So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me. Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts.

You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her.

Hey. I fucked your dad.

You have to help me get tickets!

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Sunshine Bear. Wait! (TRUCK HORN HONKING) (GASPING)

Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. Chris, you're wanted on the phone. Everything's gonna be all right. (STEWIE SCREAMING)

oh, That's nasty.

Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.

Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it. Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Plastic surgery is great! I--I was thinking about having Broderick take a look at my nose. It doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy, or--or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby. You are who you are. Ha. I think I know what you're getting at.

That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.

Lois, Peter's show is on the local public access channel. Anyone can have one. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

Uh, Something suddenly came up. Peter, How could you do this to Meg? Not now, honey. I gotta write a book report on Oliver Twist. Yes, "Oliver Twit" if you ask me. I would have done things rather differently, I can tell you that.

To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus.

Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one. Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel. Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? Yeah. Welcome to hell.

(SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk, decoys, Lois, decoys!

Hey, you know, if we're all gonna be tryin' to figure this out together,

Are you hitting on my girlfriend? No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't.

Is this scotch tape? You drunk.

Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? Pre-op. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these strap hangers back where they Came from. Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Wheelie timE!

Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins.

Oh, my God, that was such a rush. Yeah. I'm alive!

I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

And a Griffin never knows when to stoP. CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.

(FAIL MUSIC PLAYING)

7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady.

Use a condom.

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van...

Hey, you guys.

(LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it! I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING)

Okay, I just want to be sure you don't get a cramp. Yay! Poor people water fun! Hey, Chris. Uh, can I ask you a question? Sure, what's up? Um, remember that "free hug" coupon you gave me for my ninth birthday - that I never used? Yeah. Well, I'd like to use it.

you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

"The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other, "fart both knew that, "with love fart truth fart courage, "they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet." (GROANS) That one didn't work. Well, let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. Ooh!

Fucking idiot.

I got the money.

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Brian, when you have to go to these lengths just to get away with smoking pot, it's time to make a change. You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.

Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast Animals, Slow Children. Come on, guys. Wait up. oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs. Dad, we can't leave now.

Anyone.

You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God!

I love you. What? What did you say? Olive juice. Olive juice? Olive juice you, too.

Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault. Yeah, besides, Peter, those companies have huge legal divisions. You can't fight that. I'll find a way, with the help of my snarky cat lawyer, Meowsy McDermott. You've gotta be kitten me!

Aw, Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead!

Well, look at it this way. You may have lost Jillian, but you can at least be happy that she's happy. Plus, you can always call Lauren. - No. I can't. - Why not? She's never gonna speak to me again. I gave her worms.

MALE REPORTER: And now back to The Sound of Music. (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Oh, thank heaven. The von Trapp family escaped! Reverend Mother, I have sinned. What is this sin, my child?

Kimble was a hands-on director who frequently appeared in his own shows, most recently, Miss Saigon. a la la la la, Miss Saigon La la la la la, Miss Saigon Yes, I just heard. It's so sad.

Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this?

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.

The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes! We sold out!

(LAUGHING) Cereals do change.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Germany's favorite talk show, Das Ist Gut. Dad, what is this show? I don't know. It's just a German guy listing items and then declaring them good. ANNOUNCER: Willkommen! Where are we? AUDIENCE: Das! Ist! Gut! Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja.

(BOTH GASP) My God, look at all this devastation. What the hell happened? (CHICKEN CLUCKING) (CLUCKS) (PETER SCREAMING)

Oh, Reginald! I disagree!

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful?

Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

and I had sex with your mother last night.

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately he was kind of a reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be.

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

Did you have to wait for the streetcar? Look, Rita. I have a confession to make. I met a girl, I had a couple of drinks and I slept with her. You what? I know. I feel awful. It was a terrible thing to do. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again.

Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter.

Chris, don't! You're gonna wreck Dad's bike! Too late, I already narrowed my eyes. (MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

Karen pretends to leave home for the 20th time. You know what, Karen. Go! I'm not going to stop you. Just go! - Get out! Get the hell out! - Screw you, Gary! Yeah, if you did that more often, maybe I wouldn't need these paintings! What the hell you looking at?

Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there. Not the best way to spend a Thursday night, huh? (SIGHS) You can say that again. I was hoping to be at this Democratic Party fundraiser. Oh, God, is that tonight? Ah...

- Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike? That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam!

Oh, right. Oh, come on, Chevy. You should have known what he was talking about. All I have to do is bypass the primary navigational- guidance circuits, deprogram the hardwired safety overrides, and reconfigure the motherboard so that the missile's primary central-processing unit tells itself to eject its own warhead while still safely above the Earth's atmosphere.

"...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf. "But he didn't listen to them 'cause he's his own man. "And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous "turn out to be the most fun."

Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!

MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go!

Oh, God, Peter, let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now. Lois. Lois, wait. Wait! Opie's right there. I want him to look, Peter. (SHOUTING)

Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Peter!

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share.

God, he's right. I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark. Rupert, I've been all talk. So much time wasted. Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman. I'll do to her what douche bags did to the guitar.

And sometimes f open the backpart and f pee in there, so that when you flush

Can you perform miracles? Sure. How about this? Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning? You want to play with one of Daddy's socks? What... Do I want to... No! What an odd request.

And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on? (LAUGHING) You see? I'm part of it! I'm part of it like everyone else! I can't believe they threw me in jail for a quarter ounce of pot. Well, Brian, it's your own fault. I mean, pot is illegal for a reason. Lois, don't be a hypocrite. You've smoked pot.

Would you ever have one? Never!

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here. (EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having.

I have no excuse. I just have this horrible, overwhelming desire to point out faults in you. I don't know where it comes from. Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a bad parent. I'm just, I'm so disgusted with my behavior. And I'm so sorry, Meg. Yeah, you're a bitch.

Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.

Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say. Jefferson High is our rival. Sure, sex is fun, but you can't have it before you're married. Even if you use a condom.

(MEG SCREAMS)

feet My fat baby loves to eat

I have revealed to you today these horrors in the hope that you will see the need for change, but always remember, what I have done here today is not a courageous act. The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say no to a fast food restaurant and eat a salad instead.

Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going.

Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing?

famed Asian competitive eating champion, Charles Yamamoto. Yamamoto has not yet lost a hot dog eating competition on his world tour. But if you think you have what it takes to beat the best eater in the world, come down to the James Woods High parking lot this Saturday with $50 and a large appetite. We should probably note that that is not a photo of Charles Yamamoto.

Guys, we're stopping at the bathroom first. Okay? So if you're not comfortable with me as a person, please circulate yourselves to the outer edges of the group. (UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean.

Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darth Twitty. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - (THE GAMES THAT DADDIES PLAY - PLAYING) He put his arms around her shoulder And with a voice that sounded older

I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business.

Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours. (YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois.

your... aSS.

Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just...

And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there. And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

A clown? Dad, I'm 17.

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

He's just a baby.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class. Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you, it wasn't at home. Was it, Chris? No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me.

I know. I'm so psyched. Hey, let's make some Kool-Aid. No. We got to wait for Lois to do it. No, we don't. I know how to make Kool-Aid. No, Quagmire. We're not asposed to... (GASPING) LOIS: I'm home, Peter! Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin!

I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat Can't touch me Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm.

I... I don't get it.

Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING) Hey, what do you guys think of this one?

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy (THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jackass.

I've got an objection, and so does this man. James Woods! undefinedOh, my God. " don't believe it. Hi. How are you? Hello, everyone. He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing? Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time.

He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Ah, Come on. Rules were made to be broken.

Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those! Hey--hey! Ow! Knock it off! H-hey! Get away from me, you dead crooner!

(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois.

MAN: Sorry. PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy! (WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs. Oh, good, a baby. Oh, no, it's a girl. And I hate girls.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too. How long is this gonna last? No idea.

Wouldn't dream of it. Too kind, really, I insist. Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time. Join us same time tomorrow, if it's not entirely inconvenient for you. If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance. This has all been an imposition. I'm so dreadfully sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! All right, kids, enough telly.

Meg! Oh, my God, Meg, you're okay!

Out of the way! I'm an EMT. (GRUNTING) Her airway's jammed. Come on now. Just like that. I need some gravitational help.

I guess I've just got to let him go. Wow, that's very grown-up of you, Stewie. Hey, dog, let's go. My dad won you fair and square. You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone.

like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg.

Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could. This tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie Treats. I share them with all of you in the hopes that one day your wounds may be healed as well. Amen. Right on. Hey, Why is he taking one? Oh, This is my friend, Peter Griffin.

Okay, now I get it. Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time.

Peter, Creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door?

You're such a good listener. You're not like the other boys. You're so good with animals. I guess I could give it a try. All right, here goes. Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime.

So if you don't want to run with the wild horses, then go back to the barn and go to bed. But, Lois... (TIRES SCREECH) Stupid place still doesn't have my dry cleaning. That's not a dry cleaners. It's a dance club.

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around.

and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore.

- All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens?

- Ruined. - Ru-ined.

The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

(WEAPON CHARGING)

God in heaven. You are right. I am deeply ashamed. I only wanted to protect you. I know you did, Father. PETER: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! (SIGHS) Son, it is your life to live. I must accept the life you choose.

Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa!

...Tank Top Gay Face... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Zachary... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Zach Chadwick... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Chadinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...C. Zachary Chad... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...and a live performance by Starburst, featuring N.Y.T.F.H.$. Plus we tally your text votes for the Biggest Whiff! and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

Jeez, Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.

There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

I can also vomit, fall down, and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk. Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do. Practicing? What for? The competition. You're gonna be my first champion. Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds. Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman. Peter, you are not putting those birds in the car! Well, then I guess we're not going on vacation.

Hey, look, kids, it's a re-creation of the lost city of New Orleans. Dad, was there ever a real city of New Orleans? No one knows, Chris. No one knows.

He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Oh, Cool. Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly!

My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go back to my place and rent a dirty movie. This is ridiculous. That was weird. Oh, well. Hey, let's compare breasts.

Mom, can I turn the heat up? Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset. Come on. This thing goes up to 90. Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm!

No. I'm Dean Koontz. Oh. ugh! Ugh! But, uh, you know, thanks to these sessions, i--i--I think I'm ok. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents!

I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy. I don't think he's ever done anything as laughable as this book. Look, all right, well... What do you want? I wrote it in a day. (AUDIENCE GASPING) Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours. I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me. I was just trying to write something that would sell.

Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck. Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape. I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed.

How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire? Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up, just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we?

I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Tea, sir? Oh, thank you, Crone.

WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked.

ALL: Boo!

It's a sprained anklE.

I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real! Okay, Peter, Lois did great. You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again. Big chair. No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair.

I need a Jew Where to find a Baum, or Stein, or Stein to teach me how to whine and do my

(WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

I got a feeling That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night I'm afraid I have some terrible news. (GASPS) I have dinner reservations and no one to go with. Tonight's the night

Remember me, dirt bag?

MAN: The frame is crashing to the ground, not quite to the mooring mast! Oh, the humanity! And all the passengers screaming around here! And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said, "Oh, the humanity" before,

Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite.

Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) We're no strangers to love

You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him!

We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company

That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway.

I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.

You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Toilet paper.

Yeah, where are all the whiteheads at?

What? What is that? (QUIETLY) Let's use our eyes to see.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super...

I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

freakin' sweeT

Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

These are the lottery tickets. Is this another test? Yes. These aren't the real lottery tickets, either. These are the real lottery tickets. So, in addition to buying 200,000 lottery tickets, you had 400,000 fake ones printed up? I had to be sure.

To the poison you just drank. See what I mean?

(ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here?

(GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Giggity Let's have sex Let us forever remember this beautiful young woman, taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born.

They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was. Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race

Shut up, Dad.

but as I recall, you were more interested in partying with your friends. Then Glenn came along and stole my heart. When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever. Hey, Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert, too! Oh!

Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin! Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on T.V.?

I'm going to meet her cats.

Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me. Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now. This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage.

(YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint. I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING)

Oh, Meg. You and your drugs. Oh! I wonder who that could be. Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room?

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home.

(CARTER AND WOMAN LAUGHING) Ah! That was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that. Oh, my God! (BOTH GASP) Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ew! No, no, this is my sister. Ew!

Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this.

(GUN FIRES) (WOMAN SCREAMS) Bonnie? Bonnie, are you there? What happened? STEWIE: Let's go!

Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, You set out to make him feel better, now he's worse than ever. Yeah, I don't know, Lois. He--He's probably over there waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit. I think those days are over now, Peter.

Oh, Wow. Imagine, me, president.

Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs, "Part Four: Yield." MAN: Before they had the sign, people just run into each other. I don't know, maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I am completely lost.

All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?

Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night

BRIAN: Where are we? STEWIE: This is Quahog, Brian. Same year, same time. But in this universe, Christianity never existed. Which means the Dark Ages of scientific repression never occurred and thus, humanity is 1,000 years more advanced.

Oh. You look different without my lawn under you. I don't take the lawn with me when I go. Well, I was right to trust you with it then. And this is called waiting in line at the movies. It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,

All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names.

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey.

Hey, listen, Lois. You know, I know your head must be turned upside down by this whole Peter thing. So, you know, if there's anything you wanna talk about... Oh, don't worry, Brian. I'll admit this is an emotional time for me but you and I are married and that's the way it's gonna stay.

I see nothing! I know nothing! Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had. And you've had some pretty stupid ones.

(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

It's not okay. You don't know what it's like. You're wrong. I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts. He... He did it to you, too? I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal,

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie.

See, Lois? I told you we had allies.

I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance?

Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Cool. I'll call you later.

All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.

No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it. Ahh! Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her!

Ahh!

But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

and we just got to make them think we're one of them. That's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses. Waiter! Oh, waiter!

Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half hour. Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase,

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING) Peter, it's okay. It's not okay. You don't know what it's like.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch?

I'm gonna say no. Great. Then please check here and initial there. Uh, next, do you think this is some kind of game? Um, no. Okay, initial, please. And finally, my date of birth. Was it yesterday?

We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mister Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Oh, Mr. Booze Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING)

How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!

I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around... Whoa, whoa, big guy. You're probably never even gonna see him again.

The