comb.io - Clips

Aw, Jeez, This isn't another one of those interventions, is it? Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for 8 months now. Please, for your family, take it off. Hey--Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!

You're Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore?

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad. Salad? How do you make a salad? First, you throw in the whole head of lettuce.

Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!

First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.

We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) (GROANS) Psych! (LAUGHS) Embedded in the hand. Yeah, you see, it fits in there 'cause there's a hole in it. Have fun where you're going. Well, it's become clear. The only way to avert this disaster is by writing a strongly-worded letter to the black hole.

Hey, Meg, try and guess the word I'm thinking of right now. And it's not "kitty." "Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up? Yeah. It was "kitty"! Peter, isn't that-- Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet!

Is this guy giving you a hard time, Brian? Naw, he's all right. All right. Cool, cool. How you doing, buddy?

You Remember when Margot Kidder was here? Ah, We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful.

Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons. You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"? No, I just repress it. As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

I hurt myself changing this tire!

(CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar! Hey, there, Chris. Hi, Mr. Herbert.

- Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay. Will Lois Griffin please come to the courtesy booth? We have a little gift for you. (SNICKERING) I'm Lois... Oh, for God's sakes, Peter.

What do you mean? There's nothing in the next room. (GASPS) It's gone! Where is she, Woods? What'd you do with the body? What body? You know, maybe she wasn't dead. I'll admit it, I'm not great with that stuff sometimes.

Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painleSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays...

Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time. And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise. The power outage provided a perfect cover. I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter. What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

The joke, of course, being that one wouldn't generally do that, were there a pillow available. Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir.

You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back.

Oh, thank God. We made it. (GROANS) My neck! You backed into me, and now...

"This is the hospital, and your mom's dead."

A tournament, huh? That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car! This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!

It was totally awesome!

You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

(SIGHS) Guess I'm on my own now, Rupert. It could be worse, though. At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway!

I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian. Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan. (MECHANICAL BEEPING)

Hey, where the hell is my van? Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

(HAN SCREAMING) HAN: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

You know what else?

Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is? Uh, that'd be kind of awkward, huh?

You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

Lois, honEy, I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here. I wanted you to play it. You know, Like it was an instrument. I'm telling you the truth. Right, guys? Come on! oh, no, I couldn't. Come on! Well, Maybe one song.

(CHRIS FARTING) CHRIS: Sorry.

Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington?

Shut up, Brian.

I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance. Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry!

I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened? Well, it was 1996. Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers east of Providence, which is mostly just open water, but still, I'd been undercover, tracking his operation for six months and had finally gained his confidence.

Chris, why don't you put these upstairs in your closet so we don't lose them? But the evil monkey lives in my closet. Of course, he hasn't been as evil since he became a Jehovah's Witness.

Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car! We're here! Thank God. Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become!

Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock?

So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42. All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins.

I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol. I don't mind not knowing What I'm headed for You can take me to the skies

(CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

(BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow!

Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here!

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?

(DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

Sorry, that was the booze, not you.

Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"?

Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt. Hey, Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, huh? No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

Well, what did you have in mind? He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement. Do you know why I stopped you? I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding. (LAUGHING)

I'm kidding. You're just becoming a man, sweetie. Yeah. I remember when I became a man. The operation was a success. What are you gonna go by now? Peter.

Ozone, Turbo, do your thing!

Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star!

- Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done. Can I go now? Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid. If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep. No, I... Wait. What? You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? That's Long John Peter to you, porthole. (ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties! Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days.

Peter, where have you been? Let's just say I've been at Cleveland's empty house taking a dump. (GROANING) That's disgusting. I will be taking all of my movements there from now on. All of them!

Peanuts and Jews. (ALL LAUGHING) No, but Jews are bad.

I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.

(GASPING) DVDs! Oh, books.

But they're newlyweds, right? Well, that's no time to have a house guest. Got to go. Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual. Where the hell are those purchase orders? Yeah, it's this bum hand. I can't type with it.

- Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake. Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

Atta boy. All the way upstream, buddy.

- He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it.

you're not coming to my birthday. Who did that? QUAGMIRE: Giggity. Good morning, class. Starting today, we have a new student. Peter, would you like to introduce yourself? Hi. My name's Peter Griffin. I was actually in third grade a long time ago, but I never finished.

Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God! You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results.

Everything looks okay out here Maybe I'll take a walk outside To the D chord I'm walking around outside Look at all the stuff out here And then we go to an A minor Getting a little cloudy out here Looking like we might have some weather

Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend. And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester. What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next? I will. Um... My name is Greg, and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Greg.

No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old. So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me!

(ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom. A razor blade and a note? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally. Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating. We should form a club.

I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II.

Aw, Come on, Joe. Cheer up, huh? hey, What do you say you and me go roller skate-- Bike ride-- Jump rope-- Go lay on the grass?

We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

(SIGHS) Hold it together, Brian. Hold it together. Come on. You know you want a drink. Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us. Come on, drink me. What are you waiting for? Yeah, you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp. Get to the chopper.

Tobi with an "I." With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the "I" with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.

I'm cold. Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw-- Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair?

Well, as I said, Peter just promised that I... Yeah, I should stop you there. I didn't really promise anything. I just said, "Maybe, if it was okay with Lois." Boy, it seems like a real burden to me. Well, this is pretty awkward.

That kind of looks like Mom. Not finished talking, Meg. Okay, and this is Poopy Face Tomato Nose. You can see I gave him a funny little suitcase. Now, see, the joke is most people only carry a suitcase when they're going on vacation, but Poopy Face Tomato Nose carries one all the time. And see? He's got a sleeve hanging out. He didn't pack it right.

Sweetheart, when will you be back? I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me. Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father.

All right! Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

Well, it was very nice meeting you, Anthony.

Sir, as a citizen, how has this affected you? The police are gone? Oh, my God, we're finally safe! Freedom you see Has got our hearts singing so joyfully Just look about You owe it to yourself to check it out Can't you feel a brand-new day?

(GRUNTS) I wonder... Ah-ha!

Tell your father not to start the car! You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly.

QUAGMIRE: Well, gonna need some help here. (CHUCKLES) All right.

You can't stop me from modeling, Peter. This is important to me. I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. Who the hell does he think he is?

No. No. It's just, I... I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night. So if I did anything that might have offended you, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I have a dog. So I've had to cut poop out of his fur before. Oh! Oh, thanks. Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right? So fun.

It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God. Peter, he heard us call him stupid. His own parents. What have we done? Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth.

(FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie.

We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it? Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America.

Well, if I can expand on this. For one thing, "In God we trust" is on money. Now, what does that tell you? Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y about any sort of stupid shit.

For God's sake. Cancel my Tuesday appointments. Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day? No, no. Just cancel it. Okay, will do.

This sucks! I want to see the Grand Canyon! I'm sorry, but we are not leaving Stewie by himself. We're going home. No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.

Get out of this house.

Oh, no! Oh, no--No! No! Oh--oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

They've done it there, too. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.

I mean, why's it got to be you? Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby. I can do it! Oh, come on, Meg. It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool.

(SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank. Well, I got to tell you, this was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

All right, settle down.

But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens "I built another identical trillion-dollar space machine "at my own expense on the other side of the world." And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that? Well, I stood up in the theater, and I said, "No! "You can't go into space because the machine "already got blown up by Jake-cockadoody-Busey."

- It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun.

Look at me, huh? Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity. Well, I think you're exaggerating. No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy. Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or--or boating, or owning a boat. Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about?

Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe. There's only one thing to do. You're right. We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Look, We got animals. We got clowns. I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed up. Ok, everybody. For my next miracle, I'm gonna turn water into funk.

Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling.

Oh, come on, not this thing! Really? Brian, it's me, Stewie. Shoot him! No! Brian, you know me. Look at me. Shoot him.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,

Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson. Ok, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR.

But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen. I'm so glad you like it, Chris. Would you like to try? Oh, boy, would I?

wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wAh

Well, Kevin, I would say, first of all, don't shave or shower. Okay, I won't. - And you just got out of bed, right? - Yeah. I would say, just go ahead and wear that tank top all day. Okay. All right, so we covered the hygiene, no collared shirts. Oh, and don't forget to walk around with an undeserved sense ofaccomplishment.

Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.

Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door?

Not even if I throw this pig's ear? Oh, come on, that's not fair. Go get it! (BARKING)

Slow down! I want to get there, but I want to get there alive!

STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right! Oh!

Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it...

And I needs to be mackin' style!

Oh, crap! Did I miss it? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

That's your butt-hole

Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world.

I guess that means I'll be Irish Spring. Irish Spring will get you fresh and (WHISTLES) clean as a whistle. See? (SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? There's more soap inside the soap. They know that!

Tom! Tom Tucker! Tom!

I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny.

Everybody gets one.

Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah.

Take a look at what we got, Peter. One day, three ducks were crossing the road Going to get some soda But they weren't looking where they were going And a bus came along and hit them all Now they're handicapped and... No, that's pretty much it

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor. Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed!

Here we are, the Red Sea. Now, all we gotta do is swim across. I didn't bring my trunks. I don't want to step on a shell. I can't get water in my ears. I ate 20 minutes ago. You know, what they flush in Cairo ends up right here.

Why are we stopping? (CHATTERS) Oh, come on. (CHATTERING) (TIRES SCREECHING) For God's sake, Brian. It's just a squirrel. - BRIAN: Yeah! - STEWIE: Oh, God!

Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union. And what exactly are your demands? We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge? Yes. We're not responsible for that.

(THUDDING) There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house.

Who ate all the pecan sandies?

He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?

Yes, your anguish sustains me.

MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.

Griffin. Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(BEEPING) All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable.

I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.

That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

(THE IMPERIAL MARCH MUZAK PLAYING)

And look at the size of it. It's amazing! Yes, although sometimes I think it's too big. It takes the cleaning woman forever to clean it. Was already broken.

You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

(SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

Guess I'll be moving on now. You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am! Hiya! MAN ON TV: We now return to Malcolm in the Middle. And I told you boys to pick up your clothes!

Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you. You're my sister. I know. Somehow, I've always known. You have? Did you know when you kissed me on Hoth?

Hey, you know, if you don't mind,

Fire in the hole! Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety.

Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka. Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine.

(RETCHING) (CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience,

Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat.

Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.

Everybody, brace yourselves, 'cause I have got big news. I have been selected to be a contestant on America's Got Talent! And they're going to fly us all to America for the show! What? Oh, my God! (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Finally, we make-a da dreams come true in America!

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short. Oh, my God. He is short. Hey. Hey, Brian.

(GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah!

(SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

What do you want, homo? Listen, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Well, well. Do you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm.

Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!"

"P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. "The end." (SIGHS) Wow. I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING) I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Oh, Mort!

I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah!

I disappeared and spread the Daggermouth rumor myself. Why? Merchandise! Daggermouth t-shirts, mugs, posters. And I'm in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show. Figured I'd pair him with an effeminate cat. What do you think? Yeah, I'd watch that. Sure. Me, too. Sounds like a good balance.

Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!

Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king!

Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving! And it's my second favorite holiday, right after Pretend Not to Notice People's Race Day. Hey, you seen Reggie around? Which one is Reggie? Oh, today he's wearing yellow pants, uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians. (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa! Whoa! Copernicus, why don't you navigate yourself to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt?

Oh, God, they're back. Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Goldman.

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door. (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy!

Well, we're getting a good view of the chase from up here, Tom. That's right, Diane. We're looking at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings, the man we believe to be Al Cowlings. We'll stay with the chase. Um, it seems like a futile effort on their part, Diane. At some point, that horse is going to have to stop and eat some grain. PETER: But luck was on their side and eventually, they made it to the North. After that, Nate devoted his life

Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?

So, the Griffins might be dead. How does that make you feel? Griffin, dead? I take. No, no, they might be dead. They also might still be alive. Is okay, I take.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING) It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head.

Yeah, you cheated on your wife. No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort! I want my $2!

With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

Ahh! Unhand me, woman! I don't have gas! I'm in love!

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again. It's the electricity, Peter. There are power lines down, and there's no one to fix them. The cops don't come, the toilets don't flush, and there's garbage piling up in the streets. Ryan Phillippe's been out there for days. Would anyone like to be impregnated? We had a nice town, Peter. I had a nice life,

You got to get her running before you start running. Chris. Chris, honey, can I talk to you? Oh, my God, he's gone! That means this room is mine now.

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight

Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo."

You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids. - And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin.

Oh, my God! (GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God!

It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, and still I have made no progress finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York Peppermint Pattie, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.

This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon. MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio.

Peter, I don't know how much more I can take. Stewie used to be so independent, but now he just clings to me night and day. I'm exhausted. Oh, look at me, I'm Lois. The sun revolves around me.

Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force. No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens.

I don't know Brian. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job. Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview. So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that!

LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend.

John, do you take Kelly to be your wife? I totally do. I mean, yeah, yes. Absolutely. And I- I'm going to do stuff to her, too, like, touch her. Yeah, touch her and, uh, kiss her and touch her penis. I mean, no, not that. Not that.

ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights. I'll take the one on the right! Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.

Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home?

As soon as he opens it, boom!

Hey, Somebody dropped a money clip.

Oh, my God, I haven't seen this one in forever. Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me!

Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back,

Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS) (SCREAMING)

It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS?

Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw?

Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head! HEy, Shut up!

Damn it. We just missed it. What do you wanna do for 20 minutes? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna work out. That's how you stay in shape. You just fit it in when you have free time wherever you are, wherever you can. There's semen on this floor. Stewie, look!

Hi. Hi, Brian. What are you doing here? Jillian, look, I made a huge mistake. I don't want to lose you. You know, you really hurt me, Brian. And I can't let you do that again. Look, I won't. I promise. I don't know how to tell you this,

Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Good-bye the sun has gone to bed and so must I

Why It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. It's cheering real loud for the home team! It's catching the perfect wave! It's obeying all the rules! No way!

Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin. (GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way. Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell!

Falcon Crest? Oh, it's Dynasty. Oh! Yeah, I didn't watch that. (MURIEL SCREAMING)

(SNARLING) I've had enough of you! (EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYING)

All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner. Oh, no, you're not, Joe. We have a new policy. Can't you read the sign? Peter, what the hell is that all about?

(THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING ON TV)

(CLEARS THROAT) People of France, a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie, and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome. (SIREN WAILING)

My God, this house is freakin' sweet

This sucks! I want to see the Grand Canyon! I'm sorry, but we are not leaving Stewie by himself. We're going home. No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.

Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

Not much, really. Just me and my pubes hanging out. Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day. So am I. (STRETCHING) I just kind of feel like kicking it tonight.

Not too bad. Right on.

My bike! Where's my bike?

I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

I hate Lois, too. What--What else do you hate? People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards! Oh--oh, People who use the word "guesstimate." Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric! Ew! You know, perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way.

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian.

Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here. No!

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go.

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

Take a look at this, Brian. Recognize him, Brian? No. It's your brother. I found him for you, buddy. What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry. What's that big thing around his neck? Oh, I'll show you. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Because of an accident at the quahog Cable Company television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose!

Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs!

I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy And your record will stand as proof Be it galley or a freighter, I'm an expert navigator And you're also a world-class poof My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street For a sailor who can pirouette on cue

Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.

With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis So they sent this little warning They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox Hoping you could be coerced I can think of quite another place They should've stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic

It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two?

I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish, by Peter Griffin.

By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy.

Look, he's got a landline we can use! Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't feel right about that. We're guests, and it's long distance. Doesn't matter. The line's dead. Oh, my God! (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look.

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch. This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God!

I don't know. Tell me, tell me what's on your mind. Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad. Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad to you, young lady. Oh, God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.

Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies And our schools are the safest around, thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here!

What you did just now was pretty ballsy.

Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie

Oh, my God! It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination! Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie!

Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter?

Aw, crap! Death!

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us!

Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down--

Ah, I love you so much. I love you, too, honey. Ahh! - What's wrong? - Ahh! Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it! HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Sweet dreams, kiddo.

Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em!

Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? Have the towel boy bring you another. Oh, I don't want to bother him. Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you.

Is okay, I take.

Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY) That's so much better. Morning, Lois.

Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well, that's crazy, just trying to scare us. And if that weren't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job. Affirmative action strikes again.

Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you.

So, it's really over, huh? After all these years? I'm afraid so. But let's be honest, Peter. Bonnie and I seem to have grown apart. Boy, I never would have seen this day coming when we first met. Africa by Toto was playing.

Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

"Michael Flatley." Peter, It's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

I fucked your dad.

All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on!

(HUMMING STAR WARS BATTLE THEME)

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2... aah!

Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking, and I just don't want to engage.

Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's. I don't know, Lois.

Well, what do you mean? (LOUD KNOCKING) Oh, that must be him now. (GRUNTS) Okay, come on, you look nothing like your picture in the ad. Shut up and give me the money! What? What the hell are you talking about? Okay, I'm starting to think you're not Apollo. You bastards think you can just borrow a bunch of money from a loan shark and then waste it on tacky suits?

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy

Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase, I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states.

Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best. Well, look who finally got here.

You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it. You saved my life. And for that, I shall be forever grateful.

Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?

Happy Birthmas.

Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore! I think I got a wave here!

You're as bad as Negatron. Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe?

Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business!

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

"P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry.

Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!

I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go.

A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting.

I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that? What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm... God! Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Ice now, heat later.

I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

I gotta do it, Karen. I just gotta take a shot. That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it.

Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot!

Either have the baby or don't.

and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

(CHRIS SCREAMING)

uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez.

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

Is this a joke?

And some cinnamon.

Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I want to see my dad. Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian. All you have to do is paint. Now, get busy. I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me. Oh, Jeez, Kate, what should I do?

If you like running through a gauntlet of drunk, horny businessmen. Ugh.

CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop

Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli.

Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again. Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

You're not welcome here! Go away! Wow, Chris. Did you lose weight? Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out. Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

"I didn't give those magazines to my son.

Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am.

(GROANS) If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off!

You don't need a jack. I am a jack. Come on, I'll lift that thing for you. Hey, I appreciate your help, man.

All right, I'm getting up.

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you...

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Yup.

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING) My God! She's dead. She's been shot! (ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.

Yeah, and I'm so happy for you,

"Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert. Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price.

There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.

and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out,

Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas.

(SCREAMS) (CRACKING)

Peter, give Chris a spanking. Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

(STATIC BUZZING)

Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo.

So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show. You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming.

Yeah! You're a little too heavy, buddy. Yeah! We're going down. Yeah! Yeah. You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under control before the police caught onto you.

Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk. Okay, Chris, roll film.

Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie. Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down! I don't think that he's listening to you. Let's get him! ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you.

If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.

Gentlemen, that was a fart.

Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris. Peter, is there something you need to tell me?

Slothful sinners!

And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time?

Pelican's Reef, huh? Then, that's where I'll go. 'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge. Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

What happened? Did we crash? Yeah, we crashed. Wow. Still, you know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial, I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time.

Is that a real show?

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money?

Somebody's having a rally for me now? No! For PETA! That's me! I'm Peter! I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA! Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy. I think Betty White is in PETA. That doesn't even make any sense!

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca. Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here. Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys.

Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown.

Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella. Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it.

Remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois? Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful! This is going right up on the fridge. Really? The fridge? It's like we have a little Michelangelo in the house. Okay! See you guys later.

I mean, he's doing his thing. And you got to match his energy level without looking like you're trying to one-up him,

but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch. PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three. Okay! Easy, easy, easy... Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait... Stop! Stop, stop... What? What, what? - No, no, no. Twist it. - I am. No, no, no. The other way. Which way? You're twisting the wrong way. What do you want me to do?

I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God. 'Cause it's not really up to me. It's up to him. And I want to thank the devil, too. You know, 'cause that's why God's there. He's minding the fence, making sure that guy never comes back. Uh...

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa!

Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

(YAWNING) Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

Daddy, please, stop this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period. This court will now come to ordER.

Peter, I'm so glad you could make it. Gloria, this is my life partner, Lois. I'm his wife. His "wife." Yes. Peter tells me you don't have a career of your own. Oh, No. Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary. I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies.

Neil. Neil, not so fast.

All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him.

Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING)

And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair. (ALL GASPING) What? Carter, is this true? Yes, it's true. Oh, dear! (SOBBING)

Well, Not really. Ok. Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity? Wow, that sort of sounds more like me. Great! Then all you need is a dark- blue jogging suit. Let's see what we have in stock. What are you? About A 9? No. A 6.

Okay, here's the rules.

Like that time with Jason Mraz. Oh, my God! You're Jason Mraz! No, I'm not. I'm just some guy with a hat. Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is! Hey, buddy. What's going on?

PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz. MAN: Sorry.

(BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING)

(COUGHS) Sinner. (COUGHS) Harlot. (COUGHS) Skank. (COUGHS) I'm actually sick. You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin. But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for... Leave this house of God! (ALL AGREEING) But... But I love the church. It's an important part of my life.

Like hell you are! What are you talking about, Peter? We ain't goin' nowhere. This bar belongs to us. (BELLS CHIMING) Ice cream truck! You didn't get any ice cream? The ice cream man was handsome. I got nervous.

Angela, I did it. I finished the third grade. I'm ready for my promotion. Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital. - You're going to jail. - What? What, you think everyone just forgot about that? There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports. Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you.

Well, you did it, Peter. You got TV back to normal. Yeah, guys, I'm sorry for screwing up all your favorite shows. Oh, that's okay, Peter. So, what do you say? Are we pals again? - Of course we are. - You bet. Well, let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing.

Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe.

Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score!

What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Blast you, woman!

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again.

Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues The movie never ends ft goes on and on

Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that?

Now batting, Stewie Griffin!

Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

And I'm here to talk to you about rape. Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you. I'm not gonna rape you. I might.

Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby.

Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass!

Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit! The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth!

There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K?

I have to draw you!

Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it! (SOBBING)

Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up. So, you can just rot out here, Brian.

Which one of you is the lucky bride? What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone.

And instead of lasting for one day, the oil in the lamp lasted for eight days. And that is why we celebrate Hanukkah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long before we play "Pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door"? Now, does anyone have any questions? Yeah, I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ass?

Leave this lot, losers. Unless you want a licking. And we'd love to deliver that licking, right, fellows? Yeah. - Love it. - A lot. I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer.

Yeah, no fake. No fake.

And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING) No, no, no, no! The altos were early. This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going?

Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine.

right now, in high school, by these lockers. I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake. High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame.

They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

Peter, stop staring at my chest!

Oh, my God. What happened? You were in a coma, and then I kissed you, and you woke up. (MUMBLES) Like, two days later. Anyway, all your numbers are normal. - What numbers? - No idea. Well, congratulations. You're gonna be just fine. (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, my God! You're Robin Williams!

I'm gonna have me a snack. N-n-n-No! Shower!

- Piss off! - What?

Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.

Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend. You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m.

Oh, that is such bullcrap.

Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle?

Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished. But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness.

PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go

All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money?

Boy, she's pretty pissed.

Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

Paris is lovely, and Nice sure is nice And Marseille is charming with champagne on ice But you, stinky Frenchman, haven't a clue Pew, stinky Frenchman, frog you ANNOUNCER: Hey There, Fruity.

The baby's up. Can you get him? Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?

Peter, please! People are trying to watch. Just give it a chance. Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only.

You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office?

Well, look who finally got here. (STAMMERING) You beat us? Don't feel too bad, gang. We only beat you by one hour, 12 minutes and 43 seconds. And, quite frankly, we're bored of it up here. So you guys enjoy it. We're gonna head back down.

the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place..

Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm. And then another.

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo? (ARTILLERY FIRING)

God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time.

What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. Piss off, you perverted old freak! Oh, we got a fighter.

goose! Oh, Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it! You see--You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the W.N.B.A.

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!

And the noblest of all those early creatures was the dinosaur. Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason.

Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly!

Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars. What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"?

You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek! I knew it! I knew it. As soon as that show came on the air, I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kidS." It's true. He did say it.

Ah! I knew you'd blow all your money. Love you, bye. I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.

I haven't been this disappointed since I saw The Lake House. See, the mailbox is like a time portal. Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later. What the fuck?

- You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at... What is it again? The Onion? So if I go up to your room right now, I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right? No. (SCREAMS) Damn it! That's what I thought.

Peter, what the hell? You look terrible. Clear off the couch, kids. I'm gonna do your mother right here. But you guys might have to help stuff me in. Oh, my God, Peter! Oh, I'm leaving. I cannot get sick right now.

We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!" Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear!

Hey, look at me. I'm walking. Ooh, I'm a remarkable man.

Hi, Brian. Oh, my God! Who is your cute little friend? Oh, my! Hello. Stewie. Charmed. I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink? So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now. I shall do no such thing.

(CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

When do you think the Queen's gonna die?

This is treason!

Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are.

You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like. (SCREAMING)

Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave. But first, let's go to the Ouahog Mega-Mall... where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa... is handing out makeovers. That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society.

that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you.

And initial here... and here. And date. Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth.

MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

(BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.

Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

(UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.

Thanks, Ollie. And now this.

Well, I guess so. Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING)

All right. Make like Siamese twins and split, and then one of you die. When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice. Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"!

I like rabbits 'cause you can pull their ears back and make them look like Asian people. (IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC) Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!"

Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

goose! Oh, Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it! You see--You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the W.N.B.A.

OMG, stop staring at me, please. Okay, thanks.

All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get ourselves kicked out. Right, we've just gotta convince them we're not army material. Ready? All right, let's do it. Wow, look at how gay we are. I am so gay with my gayness. Me too. I'm... I'm a homo. - Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom? Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.

This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... blows!

Oh, my God! (BONNIE) Did you walk? (Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN.

You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued? All right. Fantastic then. Wait. You know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out.

Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. If we angle it through the vent, we might be able to alert the authorities. Oh, my God! We're gonna drown! We'll be fine. Here, put these on. Peter, these are parachutes. What are we supposed to do with these? They're supposed to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

eh. How about now? well, We are supposed to see other people. And I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert. I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo! Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?

(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.

See Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks, and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out! Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip? Mmm. I do! But keep talking. All this stuff about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky.

because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us!

You make me physically sick to my stomach, and I wish that you would get a heart attack. I totally feel you, man.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.

What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! No. God! It smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?

Ok. Um, This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. W-What's new, Ed? WEll, Stewie, tonight We have a really big show. Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers.

No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck. Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face! That's just the face I make when I'm thinking. And you're always pointing at me. I was trying to start a conversation. And you do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency. Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before.

undefinedYeah! " love horses. Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride. Oh, come on, you can't expect me to ride that thing. Sorry, we're short on horses. You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke.

Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you got so far. Oh, you are just the worst type of person.

There. I did it.

Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh? Ah!

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets. Hey, Swedish Chef. Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on?

Lois don't get alarmed, but I think I might be Jesus. I'm Jesus. Peter, that's a static shock.

Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg. I'm not gonna sit here and take this. I'm the only one in this family who has a job. Yeah, like she'd get paid for that. What did he just say to you? Nothing, there was...

All right, fellas. I think we did it. This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death in the history of fake deaths. What do you guys want? Joan, um, you mind if we come in? There's, um... There's been an accident.

Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Something about Stewie and Cheerios.

Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!

(GROANING) This is gonna be a bigger pain in the ass than getting into a last clap contest with Cleveland. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus.

You will bow to ME.

I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period. This court will now come to ordER. Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996?

And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! Oh, you! Yipes!

Listen, I know I'm not a regular patient,

Stewie, stop fussing.

Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic.

I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

- What happened? - I don't know. Dear God, my time machine!

We are gonna have such a fun time.

Hey, it's a pleasure to be here with you six interchangeable women.

Peter, you killed it!

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money?

which is why I just planted another bomb that's set to go off every time he burps into his hand.

(BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me! I'm trying, I... Try harder! Peter, if you just stop for one second... Lois, that hurts. Quit it. (BOTH MOANING) Peter, are we having sex? Let's check. Just lift up that fold right there. Uh, yup.

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it, but I'm kind of embarrassed by him sometimes. I know, and he's got boobs, too. Stupid guy with boobs.

(GASPS) I better hurry up. I'm going to miss the show. What did I do? What did I do? I love brownie day. Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.

You know, Brian. I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap. Like this movie, Stimy Gruffin, The Untold Story. It's not a movie at all, Brian. Just three episodes, back to back. This thing is an insult. Well, that might be overstating things a little. It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, Fox should be...

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens. Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose? Why not, Dad? It's just water. All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty. Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet.

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer? 'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.

Whoa! These are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on! Brian, Frank, meet Dakota and New Bedford. Hey, how's it hanging, Dakota?

Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money?

Peter, Come help me with the groceries. Ok, honey. Craig T. Nelson! Are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. Make it quick.

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

No matter what happens, it's been a privilege to serve under you.

NARRATOR: A solitary killer, the fire truck stalks its prey.

I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God! You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought. My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's got to come out. BOTH: What?

She... I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until...

Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed.

What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.

You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

(BOTH PANTING) We've gone far enough. I think we're safe from The Corporation here. Adzin, look! (GASPS) It can't be.

Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad. I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out.

Your potato joke was terrible.

Aah! Let's get out of here! stop it! Stop it! Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake like the moon landing, and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman!

Besides, you can learn a lot from British nursery rhymes. Ring-a-ring-a-roses A pocket full of posies Ashes, ashes We all fall down! See, that was actually written about the bubonic plague.

Chris, you big beautiful man, I'm so glad you came. Up the stairs, second door on the left. He should still be asleep.

No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet. Do I... Do I hit him? No! Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth!

What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates. Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth!

Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it!

We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here humping you! Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible,

What else did you buy? Oh, a couple things, that light fixture, new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra, your garbage disposal, your dishwasher, and your new cat. (MOOING)

Who wants chowder?

But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart

After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis. Hey, guys, what is going on? No way! Cool!

I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned

I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that?

Well, those celebrities are wrong! Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right iS. 2 minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli! Oh, Come on, baby! Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret! Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!

But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. But here's something everyone can understand! Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee.

How the hell are you gonna do... (YELLING) Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law. But you, Meg, you're going to jail.

You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You got to save him! Peter, you need to let go.

Like what? Like... You... Just write down however you think you're talented, and I'll sign it. Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage.

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again! Ah, The breakfast thing. Heh. Yes.

Well, let's not make any rash decisions. I mean, I did provoke you. Come on, Lois, hit me. Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes.

Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much. Please turn to hymn number 487.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it. Really? 'Cause I had it sitting right on my table... I said I haven't seen it, all right! And what does it matter? It was terrible anyway! We've had this conversation! Do yourself a favor and move on! Well, that's interesting, Brian, because I found this buried in the backyard next to your soup bone. (GASPS) Stewie, I...

Ah, Mercy! I was once addicted to antihistamines. I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut.

That means I love you. Hmm. Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad.

Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm-- I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now. Come on, I got to watch the Emmys. Peter, you're going to Meg's play and that's that. Is that that now, Mrs. That's that?

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No!

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay!

All right, who's next for a flu shot?

She's disgusting! Not when you're drunk, she's not. All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what. I'm gonna show you that, too. Okay, get ready for this. Hey, hey, hey, gang!

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime.

I don't get it, Mom. If you're so mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night? I came because I love the theater. I mean, If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle o' his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be? A bitch.

I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha. Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? Pre-op. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these strap hangers back where they Came from. Don't worry. I got an idea.

TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go.

This is so unexpected.

we ended up eating all the food the World Health Organization... had airlifted in. Man, those villagers were so pissed. They tried to chase us, but let me just say, thank God for polio. Anyway, my point is that.... ls Peter here? I want to re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out. Hey, Wheat Thins! Take your top off.

High school sucks. Everything sucks.

Hey, Hey, guys and dolls! Drinks are on do-re-me! Ha! Ha! Oh, Where'd you get that? Oh, This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, Ian Greenstein, heh! He made some smart investments that really paid off. That guy is to money what Miss Ann Margaret is to... Ahh! Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire.

Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven? Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated. You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now!

Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask. Could you... - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool. I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her...

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High. They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo! Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

(Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore. I missed you so much. Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake?

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself? And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn!

You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud. You'll get chills all through your body And you'll lose all control of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole

You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in? Wow, it looks like the whole town got invited.

That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity.

Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Well, it just goes to prove that even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychopathic killer. Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood. When we all see each other at school on Monday, are we still gonna be friends?

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache?

Good night, everyone.

Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

(SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Quick, Brian, into the time machine!

I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment.

Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium. 10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight!

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

I need more talent juice.

Excuse me, sir. Secret Service. I wonder if we might ask for your assistance. Yeah, what's the problem? We're with President Clinton's motorcade. It seems he blew a tire in front of your house. Boy, that guy is really horny, isn't he? Would you happen to have a jack we could borrow? You don't need a jack. I am a jack. Come on, I'll lift that thing for you.

No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't!

Lois, I'm a guy you can trust with a task. I'm the one who almost conquered the dragon's lair. (SCREAMS) MALE VOICE: Dragon's Lair.

W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!

Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass

uh, even been to a P.T.A. meeting. This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"! I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done.

Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Aye. Aye, aye, mate.

(SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) I don't know what you want! I don't know how to help!

(SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

What am I going to do, Seamus? Dr. Hartman is my only hope, and there's no way he's going to see me. Well, you best come up with something, Peter. Otherwise, this will happen to your prostate. You just carry a picture of a diseased prostate around with you? Never know when it's going to come up in conversation,

But, Montana, when will you be back? That's none of your concern. You gotta take care of the offspring. Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down to St. Louis on Mississippi. This glen's gonna be tough to traverse. And that river's gotta be 50, 60 meters wide,

(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner.

I should be on Glee! Oh, my God. I just drove. (SQUEALS) That was amazing. I can drive! Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment. 11:45 and the lights are on.

Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin. Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter.

Hey, Lois. is Peter there? Oh, hi, Quagmire. No, Peter's not home. We're, uh, We're having some minor marital problems. Our therapist has advised us to date other people. Hey Lois, you want to go out? What? We-- I don't know, Glen. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time.

She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting.

- Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter?

Oh, no not in springtime summer, winter, or fall No, never would I leave you

- I'm a brave guy, Lois. - Oh, yeah? I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death! Watch me. DEATH: Thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in! You're not brave enough to take all your clothes off! Way ahead of you. I bet you're too chicken to spend a night at the old Selberg place.

Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there's only one guy to blame

And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this. Hey, look at me. I'm walking. Ooh, I'm a remarkable man.

Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me! Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh?

A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies.

Humphrey Bogart. Don Knotts.

Not the kid, but, like, the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor. He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone. But just looking down at his dead face and knowing that he lived near someone who worked with the dad of the kid whose name I never found out, I lost all hope. That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq. I just had to wait for my chance.

Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn. No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

Oh, Peter, I love you so much. PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee, but either way, it feels so good. LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

What do you want, Griffin? Angela, look out your window. You see that Anheuser-Busch billboard next to the children's hospital? Well, watch this. Oh, God! Oh, my God, this is horrible. Oh, God. That's terrible. Oh, good Lord, save them. Bless their...

well, Despite your point of view I can thrill a girl or 2 But I'd rather get it on with you

Wait, wait. Let me get our general manager. Peter, what the hell do you expect to accomplish here? Evidence, Brian. I'm gonna find just the right piece of incriminating evidence to bring down this company. Over here is a menu from our first McBurgertown restaurant in 1952.

Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

Hey, did you hear something? Probably just another drill. You know that last drill we had? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look.

(MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth.

Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

- Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly?

Boy, it sure is nice having Mr. Quagmire's cat around.

Do you have any Raisin Bran? Uh, oh, no, sorry. (SIGHS) Well, can you go get me some? Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together. I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran. Mmm, yeah, but it's not.

Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch?

Yeah, even school's getting more dangerous.

Back up in your ass with the resurrection Is the group harder than an erection That shows more affection They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto Takin' short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low And never let go

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in.

Peter, I'm waiting. I'm comin'.

to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding. There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

What a bitch. Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom. it sure has, diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, "go back where you came from." Uh, I don't think that's the expression. Yeah. I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway...

Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Brian. Yeah. If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were because we're out. That's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night. Ok, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right?

Stewie, you want a Mommy rocket ride? What? What do you mean? Here we go! Get ready for blastoff! (CRUNCHING SOUND) Ow! Son of a bitch! (GRUNTS IN PAIN) Oh, my God, Stewie, are you all right? Nice throw, Casey Anthony.

It's like trying to beat schpupel champion Fjurg Van Der Ploeg at a game of schpupel.

Everybody gets one.

Aw, damn it! WOMAN: Oh, no, no. Baby fall down! Is that... Is that Consuela? Baby all alone in street. I take baby home. It's me. Stewie. Don't you remember? You used to clean for us. We used to make you use the bathroom at the gas station.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.

Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb, so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died. That's the way I want to go.

You know, my hooligan friend,

- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me.

We gonna pretend to hit each other for a while, then maybe kiss a little? (CHUCKLING) I'm terrible. Hey, watch it. That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady.

He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.

I don't even know how that's scientifically possible. Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way. You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby. That might occupy him and get his mind on other things. Hey, man, lay off the kid. I say, if it feels good, do it. Stewie, you don't do that yet. Hey, you don't know what I do.

This is so weird. Look what they used to pack your book in. Shredded-up pieces of your book. Okay, that's it, I'm finished. What are you talking about? I'm finished. I'm done. It's over. Clearly, I am not meant to be a writer. I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out. I put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on.

Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick!

Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

I'm asking, did you see the DVD frat house edition with all the uncensored footage and the interview with Ryan Reynolds? No. Well, that's all part of mastering the Force, man.

Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me.

TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

Oh, I hate the sound of her crying. You know what sounds even worse? Ah! Listen to that. Don't you hate that? That is awful. I think it's easier on me because I'm the one making the sound.

Naked plastic chicks.

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel? My house burned down. Oh.

Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight. What was her problem?

Are you ready to make out now? Why in the world would I want to do that after what you just said? You're obviously not the person I thought you were! I never want to see you again! I can't believe I thought you were special! Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do? Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him. We had sex. We had sex!

Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry!

(STATIC BUZZING)

I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself? And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn! I'm a monster!

Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do. - Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie. Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just...

I just found out I got that internship at Mayor West's office.

Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

but right now, I am exhausted. Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You like that? Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt at the first Thanksgiving. "Where's my penis, pilgrims?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And here's John Wayne Gacy at the first Thanksgiving. "I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims."

Big League Chew.

You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first? Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade oh, You're one to talk.

Brian, what is this on my shoe? My poop. That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learned to use the toilet like everyone else. I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze. (SNEEZES) (SCREAMING)

Hey. Hey, Lois. What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? I swear to God, Peter! You call her "Lois." Well, the fat man made a funny.

That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Hey, do you say anything funny?

Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker? Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here. Would admission of that allow that person to keep it? Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album. Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks!

I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee! You know you made me love you

His real name was Richard Bachman.

Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista. What's the worst that could happen?

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

Even my own dad doesn't love me. Face it. I'm going to Hell. Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em.

it's about being together.

JOE: Hello? Officer Swanson, this is the Chief of Police. I'm afraid you're fired. JOE: I see. Well, that's too bad. I was looking forward to giving you your birthday present next week. Oh. Apparently, there was a mistake. Forget I called. Guys, I got to become chief of police by next week.

Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio? Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.

Frosty, let it go!

Oh, no! What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. Oh, Lois, again? That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on. Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food!

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.

Lots of... Lots of flavors.

- You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it, our final minutes.

You're getting a bigger head than Chris Matthews. The economy's in the news today, and Congress is considering a minimum-wage increase. Live by satellite to talk about it, Senator Harry Reid in Washington. How about it, Senator Reid? Is this the right move during the worst recession since the 1930s? Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track, we have to get more money in the pockets...

Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago. Oh, yeah, he... He's... He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago. What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! (GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie! Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers.

Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again! I can't find the sweater. How the hell did you even meet him? We had a pen-pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other. Well, it stops now! But, Mom, I love him! It stops now, Meg!

Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience.

No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Weaf World/Road Rules Challenge. You hate MTV. Pot helps.

Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family. You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me,

Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do?

Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.

Bells to be rung, And a wonderful fling to be flung And even when I'm old and gray I'm going to feel the way I do today

How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me! Well, then I guess now we're even. What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you!

We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING)

Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it. Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die.

"I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.

I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air.

Great. This was a bigger waste of time than Ringo's songwriting. Hey, guys. I wrote a song. Oh, that's great. Good, Ringo. Fantastic. You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. Right on the refrigerator. That way, we'll get to see it every day. All right.

- Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you. Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

And to think, Brian, I was, like, a day away from havin' sex with you. I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian. But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball? No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement.

What the hell you need this for? I need it because I think I might be pregnant. What? My God, are you sure it's yours? Lois pregnant? I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship.

Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah!

He tried to rape me. Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

Who? Bazooka Joe?

(SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony! I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome!

Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm.

(ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (GRUNTS)

You're right. You can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now. CELL PHONE RINGER: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right?

Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly. Like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa. Oh, my God! Are you saying I'm fat? No, I'm saying Santa's thin... - Get in there and throw up! - Oh! Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy.

- And the road - And the road

I bless the rains down in Africa

What about me, Lois. I love you, too. And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog. Please. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. You know, I will always love you, but I made a commitment to Brian. I can never repay him for what he's done for this family. I'm sorry, Peter.

All right! All right! All right! Boob!

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave.

(STEWIE SCREAMING)

This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD! Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy.

Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal? What the hell's wrong with you? - All set? - Yup.

Good Tea Party morning, everyone!

Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons, and I'd like to welcome you to Quahog's Fifth Annual Talent Show. Let's have a round of applause for our first performer.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler!

Did you kill Lois?

Angela! Angela, wake up! What the... Griffin? Angela, what the hell are you doing trying to kill yourself? Why the hell did you pull me out of there?

Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?

Nice going, fat-- Hey, hey, I was just trying to save your lives. But now you're all gonna die. There's No one who can land this plane. I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black!

Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

Chris, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a sec?

Over here is our kitchen, where we make all our meals. And upstairs is where we sleep. What about your wives and families? Sometimes we don't see them for long periods of time. Well, that sounds awfully lonely. Like being an NBA player on the road. Baby, I miss my wife so much. Thanks for understanding that we can't do anything.

Stop it! It liked my joke.

(SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great.

Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm?

Hey, where've I had another date.? You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure.

Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple.

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week.

I assure you, I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sight. Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to, but I'm watching my weight 'cause I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again. Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym.

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch.

The moon. There's a reason no one goes there.

Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE)

Well, somehow this school needs to raise its test scores right away! I suppose there is one thing I can do to raise the school's test average. Then do it! All right. We'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled. But if I leave now, I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa

and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin,

My trikie! What's going on down here? Uh, We're playing house. That boy is all tied up. Roman Polanski's house.

But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying!

This is gonna be great. A whole evening with Lois! We are gonna have such a fun time. Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling!

They've outlawed all abortions Late or early It's a sin we can't abide What if you find a fetus left abandoned? We just take it and we jam it back inside

Can we live with that? I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it.

I love her so, so much!

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself? Well, Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student- master relationship. Oh, Then allow me. Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!

Like the end of a Mexican wedding. (ALL CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING) Hey. Hey, looks like a fun party. Um, hey, listen, it's 2:00 in the morning. Uh, when is your five-year-old going to go to sleep? Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves? Yeah, look, I'm guessing there's some kind of soccer match from your home country going on, and I get that, I do.

(SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)

except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire. I will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire. Peter, I'm really worried about Chris. What are we gonna do about him? Let's face it, Lois, the kid's an idiot.

Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Everybody, this is Joan. Hi. Hello. (SPEAKING ELVISH)

Money, money, money

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now!

Oh, my God, what have I done? Hey, it's all about ratings, baby, and we got 'em. No, it wasn't worth it. I'm sorry, Stewie, I can't do this anymore. I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage. Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear!

Thank goodness I've got you

Just let me close my eyes for a minute. Look, I know his wife is a smoker. Just yesterday, when we saw her at the country club... she had a cigarette in her hand.

Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape, but in his defense, "Not a minor." Allen Iverson, picked up for marijuana possession and carrying a concealed weapon. And Darrell Armstrong faces a charge of battery against a female police officer. But Luke Walton's here and he's ready to play.

All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial. But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot. I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign.

His boy Elroy Daughter Judy

Hey, you're home. Listen, Brian, I want you to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops. Brooke, I'm so in fore with you

Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.

And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me? Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you.

I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

Yeah. Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop. Oops! Speak of the devil. Oops, make that devils.

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house.

All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity! (MONKEY SCREAMING)

Ah, The sun's up. I'm safe for another night. Thanks, Meg. Wow, Thanks! See ya. That was kinda cool. Yeah. I'm bored. Hey, You want to go push the janitor, knowing he can't legally push us back?

I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does. Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg. Now, Meg, you want to be thin like all the Hollywood starlets, right? Yeah, but I love to eat. Well, I've got a way that you can eat all you want and look like a Hollywood starlet. Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey.

These aren't Mentos, Lois.

What do you mean "not guilty"? What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too. How long is this gonna last? No idea.

Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.

You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip.

Hello, family. (GRUNTS)

Besides, you know me. I'm into a lot of different stuff. What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right. You know, Chris, a little friendly advice.

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college!

I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry!

If I believe in Jesus hard enough, I will not die. If I believe in Snake Jesus hard enough, he will die. If I believe in Tree Jesus hard enough, both of them will die. Yay! Thank you, Tree Jesus!

Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going?

This time around I'm staying at home And things are gonna get better Settling in, loving my wife But then I got that letter My black son, my black son

What? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here? To our house? She just breaks in like some hood? Yeah, she creeps into your house at night and comes into your room while you sleep. Oh, my God! And sometimes, just for the hell of it, she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair and places it gently on your tongue. Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here!

I'm sorry I screamed when that guy from India got up to stretch.

Well, we all got anger, Chris. The important thing is finding a healthy way to channel it. For me, as you know, it's the family bath. Peter, how long do we have to sit here? Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

(INCOHERENTLY SPEAKING) Uh, I--I don't... W-W-What's-- What's the problem?

We were just about to go on our annual midnight hunting trip.

Would you like to watch My Friend Who Sticks His Penis in a Pie?

Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while.

I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him. - Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just.... You know, since Peter went blind... it's actually been kind of nice not to have to worry about my appearance. I see. Is it really noticeable?

Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

Hey, there you are. Brian, where were you? Well, that jerk dog from our patio door somehow got inside a hubcap. I just wanted to alert the owner of the car. I left a note on his windshield. What is wrong with you?

What the hell is your problem, Mort? I am sorry, Peter. I thought you were one of those criminals... who broke in and destroyed my entire stock of acne medication.

That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh.

Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better. Hey, Brian, what do you say we sing Stewie some real music? Sounds good to me. On the western side of Quahog

They're getting nude.

All right. I've looked through all the video footage. And I've compiled what I believe to be an accurate cross-section of your home life. Here are the results. Peter, give Chris a spanking. Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow!

I'm gonna go get a beer.

Meg and Kent are having space sex We can't show it But that's what's happening

Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out. What's in there? It feels cold.

Perfect, Peter. Now we can all enjoy it. Here's to togetherness! Car! Car! Car!

Listen, I just want to clear any bad feelings you may have about me and Carolyn. (SIGHING) I guess it's okay. These are passing flings, nothing to get upset about. Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night! What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

Hey, i'm, Hi, I'm Brian.

But first, thousands are expected for tomorrow's Tea Party rally celebrating their new Quahog headquarters. That's right, Joyce. The Tea Party has gained a sizable following based on their message of low taxes, limited government,

Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us.

Boy, this is really going to upset my evil brother, Thaddeus. Yeah. This will surely affect my inheritance.

and that giant bird's coming for us, isn't he?

Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore!

Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!

I'm sorry, but we are not leaving Stewie by himself. We're going home. No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.

Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING)

All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed. Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you. What a weird little guy. Thanks, Joyce. How old do they usually live to be, by the way? Well, you never see a gray-haired one. So inspiring.

Yeah, uh, I bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you, and it just slammed me into a mountain. Sorry, no returns. I've been a customer here for years. I can maybe give you a store credit. But... Really? Well, I guess... What's the holdup in here? I'm taking care of it.

Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. (SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord. PETER: Here's your milk.

But I can't get over the fact that you lied to me.

Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Well, here we are. That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me!

but that old painting of my ancestor in the attic. I did it! I'm going to be on TV! Did you kill the others? - I shan't! (SIGHS) - You must. I'm going to go talk to the statue in the basement. Did you kill the painting? This place is a nuthouse. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet.

Return the device, woman!

Thanks for filling in for Peter, Lois. Yeah, okay, but I hope you brought it today, 'cause this ain't no ladies' lunch. Well, I'll certainly do the best I can. But don't worry, Glenn, I'm one woman who knows a thing or two about sports. Yeah, I know you think you are. Your softball chatter made that quite clear. Okay, that's two down, guys, two outs. Two out of the three outs required. Okay, guys, let's go.

well, Despite your point of view

The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie

We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers. Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

What's this? What the hell... Where the hell did this come from? What is it, Brian? It's the first thing I ever wrote. It's a script for a television show, a drama.

This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.

After all, I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter. (GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor.

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are. As someday it may happen That a victim must be found

Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to-- I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie.

Oh. What... What... (WHIMPERS) What do I do? What do I do? Well, just hope he's not standing on your soft spot. Well, is that possible? Because that could really mess up my... (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) Mom, I need money for lunch.

Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can.

'Cause, You know, some places don't take credit cards. But, Mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card. Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling? Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!

And here's our first float. Oh, It looks like some wires got crossed on Clover Street. That's not Angela. That's Mona, Angela's mom. Wonderful use of tree bark for the age spots though. Mm-hmm. This one's got Tony bathing Jonathan. Well, That's just plain wrong. Each float possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-- Oh, baby! Look at that!

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly?

Well, excuse me for being retarded.

There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!

I mean, did you see Sahara?

You have to leave in a wheelchair. (SIGHS) JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex! Oh, Joe, that was amazing.

I tell you, This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain? All right Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around. Oh--Oh, no. Head... hunters. Ahh! Am I fired?

Any more bright ideas, Professor?

Patrick Pewterschmidt. Who's that? My brother-in-law. People call him the Fat Guy Strangler. He's always had a thing for strangling fat guys. I guess he fits the profile, Peter, but Lois' brother is locked up in an asylum.

All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared.

I'm Jesus. Peter, that's a static shock. Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet, and when you touched Chris, you passed it on. - Kneel before Christ! - Ah!

So, hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.

You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it? (SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No. And I'm sorry, but nobody can ever know that. (CRACKS)

What the hell did you do?

Yeah, there we go. (EXHALES) Good. Now let's just fall asleep like this. Your boxers are a little starchy. Can I take 'em off with my foot? Sure. Come on, you.

Or else... Or I would stop you. For God sakes, help! Do something! If you don't like starfish, you're gonna be mad about what I just did! Oh! God, help! You're in for it now, buddy! I got, like, five fish coming to help. Here they are! Help! He's hurting me!

Cool. I'll call you later. Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

I hereby declare this Stabby Eye Day! (SCREAMS)

That twinkle? That's me plotting my escape. You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What--What else do you hate? People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards! Oh--oh, People who use the word "guesstimate." Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric! Ew!

You can have me. (GIGGLING)

Come on! You like the park, right? We're about to pass the turnoffs. Here it comes!

it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight? Your what?

Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well. The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared. Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you.

Oh, look. An "On The Raggedy Ann" doll. It's water weight, you bastard! Get off me! I'm not your whore. (SOBBING) I'm sorry. I'm just so sad. Well, I guess I can still play with it three weeks out of the month. Hi, there. See anything you like? Oh, I'm just browsing.

bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun!

Than it really is when you actually stand back And examine it with some objectivity Amen PRIEST: Please be seated.

You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me,

I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.

Yes, the fat man's going to Hell.

Hi. Can I take my tie off yet? Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful.

In us, you know? It's like, I can't not do it. That's kind of what his whole thing is. Such beautiful lessons. I hope he's not Mexican. There's something off about him, but I hope it's not that. You know, people can learn a lot from dogs, you know? A lot. Like, we're like... Like here's us... We're like, "Yeah!"

Peter? You're still not friends with that idiot after what he did? Well, I mean, that may be a little harsh. I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.

Bonnie, I didn't think it would have to come to this, but I can see there's only one way left to prove my love to you. (GRUNTING)

Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting.

You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

Lois, I already told you, I'm in Paris to have an affair. I'll even do a Muslim if I have to. But I just can't believe you'd throw away all those years with Joe just to have some silly fling. I'm not throwing anything away. Joe and I have been growing apart for a long time. Besides, we've had a good run. We've been married for 80 years.

ANNOUNCER: This is Channel Five News, Texas, with Duke Dillon. Howdy, Texas, I'm Duke Dillon. At the top of the news tonight, authorities have called off their pursuit of a fugitive Rhode Island baby who was thought to be possessed by the devil. Oh, thank God.

no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois.

BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice.

Sorry to be tardy to the party. Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake!

Hey, look, it's the burning bush! Hail Mary, full of guys. Oh, come all ye face-full.

What are you, gay or something?

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,

Hell, give me $50 on Tyson. Well, you're in good company. Betting Freddy took the same wager. (STUTTERING) Bet! Wait a minute. There's nothing funny about an addiction. Vote no on Indian gaming laws.

I am part of an elite group of individuals deemed intelligent enough to decide the fate of a fellow citizen. (LAUGHING) Ah, the amused laughter of the envious. They don't just pick anybody for this job. Yeah, they do. Brian, perhaps I have not made myself clear. I have been entrusted to pass judgment upon others.

Now let's go back in your mind to your childhood, to some of your deepest memories, maybe some that aren't so happy.

Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure.

We must be in Leonardo da Vinci's studio.

You are all free. You have been fired from the school.

Is the mighty Catwoman afraid of a little Catwoman melting spray? Peter, no. Come on, huh? All right. Ok. Enough, Batman. I don't want... Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman? Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe--

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose? Why not, Dad? It's just water. All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty. Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet.

(THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie.

Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Nino! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)

You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.

Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus. Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday. Who did that? QUAGMIRE: Giggity.

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out!

I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up! I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.

Luke! They let you out of jail? Not exactly.

All right, Dylan. You know what? This isn't working out. All right? I don't care that I'm your father and you don't care that you're my son. We don't have anything in common. I think it's best if you just get out of this house. Fine. I hate it here anyhow. Get out of my way. My pot! My pot! Your pot? Your pot?

Get the fuck out of my house!

This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher. (CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims. Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you!

I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

- Oh, Ah, - AH!

Thank you for ruining my life!

(GASPS) - Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah?

Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy?

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book. Yes, the fat man's going to Hell. And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God!

"laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy" ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game.

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

I don't like to be touched!

Anything new with corn? Oh, Yeah, corn... - Corn-- - You betcha! Corn-- Yeah. Corn is always interesting.

Peter, when was the last time you and Chris here did something together? Boy, I guess it's been a while. Here's something you might not know. Children crave structure.

Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

What? What's the problem? Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's... There's something different about you. You're not wearing glasses. Yeah, they got busted. I'm wearing contacts. I can see your eyes and your eyelashes!

And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche.

Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart...

That's it, Mr. Giraffe.

(SNORING) This sucks. That damn Superstore is ruining everything. You know, instead of sitting around complaining, why don't we go down there and protest? That's a great idea, Brian.

Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

(PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in. Nah, that's okay.

Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell Where is the bell? Wait for the bell Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Mom, guess what?

(STAMMERING) You beat us? Don't feel too bad, gang. We only beat you by one hour, 12 minutes and 43 seconds. And, quite frankly, we're bored of it up here. So you guys enjoy it. We're gonna head back down.

Can I feel those boobs? No! Daddy! What are you? Sick? Hey, it's a different time!

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

What are you doing? Like ... obvious. Shut up. Check out these ribs, Lois. Oh, yeah? That's nothing. Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad.

What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here....

I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way. Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...

right in the middle of Black History Month. There are a thousand hearts in Quahog, a thousand stories. Some people don't have any stories. Others got two. Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

How do I stay so crazy? Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, pooping in the chimney. Hold out your stockings, kids!

(SCREAMING) Hey, did you see a hand come down here? No. (LUKE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter.

Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Gotta give up the toad now ooo, ooo, ooo I'm no fool Lando's cool Yeah!

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?

You know, the only thing that was holding me back even a little is knowing how much Lois is gonna milk this. Everyone, I truly want to thank you for your support and remind you that as far as casseroles go, we're good on pasta,

All right, come on, if Mission Control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard. Okay, okay, uh, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Then we'll have unlimited lives. Come on, we're running out of time. Oh, Meg, all your suicide threats over the years, and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us. Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us.

I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris!

Mr. Griffin, Which of the following 2 phrases best describes Brian Griffin? "Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"?

Oh, captains, my captains.

I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of...intercourse

Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going? All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way. - Darn it. - Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ? Why is math so hard?

(PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Just for the record, I was at the hospital for a brief moment.

STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.

Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

That's not fair. I don't think I have a negative attitude, I just... I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey... Stewie? (TRUCK HORN HONKING) Say "Yes" to life, Brian! I'll be home for Christmas. Son of a bitch! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man.

We're too different to ever be pals You and I are

Billy Dee Williams. Hello, Peter. Welcome to the cool side of the pillow. You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland. Works every time.

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made!

Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking. No, I think I can communicate with her better. She's only gonna get the gist of what you're saying. Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me? No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.

You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

(RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later. (FARTING) (BURPING)

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

Honey, are you pregnant? No.

How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. Nice try, skank. Worth a shot.

It's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic.

I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week. Thanks, honey. But honestly I dunno how you stand bein' in the house all day. I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch T.V. anymore. All the shows are starting to run togetheR. This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H".

Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video, and we'll get started. What? Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name? Dr. Hartman. Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal". No!

Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian.

Peter, what the hell? Where's your ski mask? It's kind of hard to breathe in those things, so I just dressed up like Harry Potter. (SIGHS) All right, let's go.

Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

Mr. Penisberg, I quit. Penisberg?

You're being silly. I mean, Jerome and I dated over 12 inches ago.

And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go?

Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come! (BUZZING) Okay. Okay, they're on there. Let's just...

What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more. This van has the latest in law-enforcement technology. Watch.

Hurts, don't it? Dumbass.

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)

(GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night?

Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to. Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS) (LAUGHING) What a wonderful novelty photo this will make. Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask. I have the mumps.

I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets. I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this. A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.

You can stop pretending now. All right! If there is some other way to prove that I love you I swear I don't know how Sing it, baby. Breaking my heart. Something troubling you, Peter? Nothing. Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife.

I won't have a member of my family racing in a bathtub. Well, Daddy, you didn't want Peter in your boat... so team Griffin is gonna give you a run for your money. ANNOUNCER: Andnow, to fire the starting gun... is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks.

You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that.

Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it! Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun herE. Look, I-If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit. I was doing shtick, I tell you! Humina-humina-humina!

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

Today, I ate Peaches, Ginger, Honey, Candy, Olive. You know what? This is the wrong list.

You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it.

I do them because I love my family.

Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing. About anything.

Now I'm glad you made me face away during sex. Brian, you've been using me. You're right, Cheryl, he's just a user. And you, Glenn. I was always waiting for you to grow up, but you're still that unicycle street performer with a dream in his eye and a parrot on his shoulder. That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things live forever.

That was my first question, too. Come on. Have a look at the Sistine Chapel. Wow. Yep. With no Christianity to inspire Michelangelo, they gave the job to John Hinckley.

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on. Okay.

I know how you like that song, so I got you two turtledoves. Where did you get these? I went to a scientist and had them genetically engineered. Fly, beautiful turtledoves. Bring Christmas cheer to all. (SCREECHING) (ALL YELLING) Everybody outside! We'll do the rest of Christmas outside! Go, go, go!

Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? I told you never to show your face here again!

He's a family guy

I know. WhY don't you kill Lois? No. One death isn't gonna do it. You're gonna have to do something that will get everyone's attention, something huge. How about if you blow up the earTH? Too huge. But you're thinking. I like that. You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. WEll, That would just leave England. Wait. Wait. I have it. I'm a genius.

Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away. Yeah, definitely. Maybe it's a my-two-dads kind of situation? Right. Like they don't know which one was the real father, so they both call themselves Dad. So, wait, were both the guy in the car and the doctor biological parents? Yes. And the guy in the car was the biological father. Crap. Well, maybe the doctor is the mother.

Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on! Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.

(LAUGHING) Breath mint.

I bought these gifts for you They're up in my bum And everyone's favorite... La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone.

Now you're breaking my heart. Jerome, wait. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm sorry, Lois. I think it would be better if I left. Peter, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble. I won't be bothering you again.

We're calling to say Merry Christmas. Peter's lowest what? We were just calling to... Are you there, dear? I hope you got our card. We had quite a cold snap here. Okay, nobody talk, we'll just wait for her to talk. Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear?

You will not convince me. America must pay for its sins. (VAN DOOR OPENS) Hold it right there. (GRUNTS) Mahmoud, you're under arrest. Look, Joe, I drove a van.

You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it. (SIGHING) All right. Genital warts.

No, that's pretty much it Handiquacks And they never got their soda Why won't this card house stay up?

Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can. Hello, Lois.

Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore. Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes.

It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please. You want cigarettes on that sandwich? What do I look like, a Mary? Yes, I want cigarettes.

Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES) In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles.

This is horse shit! And that's the last question.

Greetings, unwashed masses. The following laws will go into effect immediately.

STEWIE: Hey, fat ass! I got news for you. The News of the World! (SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past?

Go ahead, mock me.

You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What? Oh, come on, You look like Charlie Brown. Bite me, Snoopy.

(RINGING) - Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING) Oh, sorry.

It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels, 'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

He's dead. Do you think he slipped off the roof? Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone? I want to prove something to these guys.

Wait a minute. Germany's building weapons of mass destruction?

Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude. Can I just say before... Can we just, like, take two... I love... You're so brave. I just love how brave you're being right now. This is like the closest I've ever felt to you. Okay. Oh, my God, I was thinking the same thing. We are so "us" right now. Do you know that?

(SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Boy, eight months on patrol and nothing.

Pope! All right, ok. God! Pope, the floor is not a hamper! Man! Good. Now it's time to go on the balcony and address the people. Ahh!

We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information.

Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio. 2 minutes, uh, everybody. 2 Minutes. ...Feh--feh--feh fi--fi--fi--fi fo--fo--fo-- Jeez, full house. Well, well, Look who came crawling back. Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

(SINGING) (COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING)

I'll be very vulnerable to predators.

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back!

Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Yes, sir! And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her.

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez.

What are we doing here? Listen, I know you're upset about losing your money. So I wanted to show you it's not so bad living like a regular guy. So these people live here? No, this is a bus.

Some brother just fell in the ocean. Oh, God! I remember that. And all those seals died. It was-- It was all over the news. The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather.

(SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING)

Ah, Brian. I am glad you could come to my faculty cocktail party. Let me introduce my wife Helen. Damn it, Steve. You forgot to put out the cheese and crackers. Helen, don't start with me in front of our guests.

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper?

Quick, in here.

Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot!

Settling in, loving my wife But then I got that letter My black son, my black son Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though.

Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game?

I'm sure you have something to say to that. Mmm? Oh. Oh, God. Sorry. Can you give me the line again? Not the whole line. Just the end of it. Aw, l-l-Let's cut! All right, y-y-You're sleeping with which producer? God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost!

You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible!

Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.

Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn.

Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

Son, you have my word, I am not gay. You promise? I promise. All right, I believe you. But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. Oh, come on. Just be gay.

"This Thursday, auditions for "the Quahog School of Performing Arts upcoming semester."

Hey, Dad! Check out my abstinence ring.

Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh?

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group,

Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it.

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome!

There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together. Yes, she's a fine vessel.

(GRUNTING) Crimony. (FARTING CONTINUES)

You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!

Nobody is. This truly is a night to celebrate, especially for me. Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor. That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food? Well, actually, this dinner honors all of you.

So exhausting having to do that open-mouth smile while the guest does their bit. We're here with The Good Wife's Christine Baranski. So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, is that right? Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill. Ah! But my character on The Good Wife is such a complete departure from Maryann.

What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg? Oh, well, My boyfriend, Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter. She needs to get laid, big-time.

Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.

Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on!

Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids. Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material!

1541, Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel. 1886, Seurat completes La Grande Jatte. 1940, Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers that look suspiciously like vaginas. But in the new millennium, there is only Christobel.

Vietnam is over. The hospital is closing. Will Hunting is all better.

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts, but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself, so you need to help me. Really? Is it that hard? My eyes are too sensitive. It's like they overreact or something. Okay. Ah! What happened to your eye? Don't worry about it! Just put the lens in! But where do I put it? The pupil's gone.

If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Uh... Well, I... (SIGHS) All right, to be completely honest, and because we've already had sex, it's not mine. I use it all the time, and the owner has no idea. In fact, he'd kill me if he knew. Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "Years Traveled"? What thing?

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y. Wow, Mom. Were you a Miss Teen Rhode Island? I sure was, Meg, when I was 16 years old. In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract.

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite.

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

You sick whore.

Who the hell is this?

PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

WOMAN ON PA: Three minutes to minimum safe distance. Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can just up and run away, you crazy. I like to eat people from other planets. Especially y'all. I likes to eat you with my little mouth, too. Now, y'all get back up inside me, little mouth.

Some twists and turns. Little epilogue.

Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth,

We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds. What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

She got her arm shot off in VietnaM.

Man, it's cold in here. Beep-boop-beep.

I mean, I don't think so. Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie's fat, too. Because we wear the same size onesie.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.

I love you, too. I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity. Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll? Well, I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound. My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.

Where do you think you're going?

and I respect you for raising them. But may I ask you a question? Okay. Have you ever read anything I've written? Well, no, I haven't. But I've read things other people have written about the things you've written, and I do not approve of the things I've read from others about the things they've read from you. Not one bit, sir. For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself.

Excellent. As soon as I release this biological toxin... into the world's water supply, I will rule the world. I'll call it "Lou Gehrig's Disease." I just have to remember to make sure this cap is screwed on tight. Well, I guess the joke's on me.

I'll finish it later. Yay! Lois, these eggs are scrambled.

And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy.

You gotta be kidding me. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up. I do. I do like throw-up. All right, now let's get this diaper back on you. There's just one part left. What are you talking about? There's nothing left. Look, the diaper's completely clean. Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't.

Put it out! Put it out! Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh! ahhh!

A monkey that's past his prime. Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes! I'll have what he's having.

All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me.

Hey, Stewie, you up?

Hiya, kids, it's Peter Griffin's champagne dance party. And, oh, we got a hot one today. (ALL SINGING)

I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar? Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song.

Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone in A day or two

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Yup.

I must admit, there have been some moments that were, dare I say, fun. We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're having the time of our lives Take it, Dog!

Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak! We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us. Good point, tom.

Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman who came with her co-workers. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot!

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing!

Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store.

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor. Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day.

Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

GOD: Shut up! (KNOCK AT DOOR) (GASPS) Intruders! Stewie, you in there? You think he's here? God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here.

Something I should've done a very long time ago.

CLEVELAND: Come on, man.

You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses. I got to put in my contacts. By the way, the repair shop called. They said they can't fix your camera. Well, that's just great, Lois. That's great. And here I was going to use the money to take you to Cancun this winter.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything.

I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh!

- (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity."

ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby

This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter? Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow. Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it!

Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night. What funny thing? You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian.

Peter? Damn! I was just calling to check in with my boys, see how you guys are doing. Oh, uh, w-We're fine. What's all the noise? Uh, uh, Nothing. Nothing. Peter, I need you to take out the trash. Ok, Lois! Lois, I got to go!

Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on? Yes. You're right, Brian. There is. Meg seems to think she's taking some kind of stand here, that's gonna make us all feel like we're inadequate. My God, you're condescending.

That's Rich Little. You're Rich Little! He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock.

(LAUGHING) These guys are hilarious. They do so much funny stuff. Hey, you know what? We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home. I don't know, Peter. That skull-and-crossbones warning before the show was pretty clear about not doing that. Cleveland, shut up. I saw something on TV that I want to imitate.

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know.

You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward. Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it... a time machine. E-flat, Salieri! E-flat!

Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

Oh! That was nice of him. I forgot why I came over. Are those new slacks? What is this? What the hell are we doing here? Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas.

I said, if only there was someone on board who could save us. Peter, I don't see Quagmire. - Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus.

Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

A woman is not an object.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer.

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced!

No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.

Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from. PETER: It turned out the joke already had quite a history. Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason.

I'll finish it later. Yay!

Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive. Today on Hitler, we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk Christian Slater. Now, they tell me in your next movie, we get to see your butt. YEs, uh, Yes, you do. Can--Can we see it right now? Um, welL, uh...

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh.

You... You cloned yourself? What, are you deaf? What... So he's an exact copy of you? Well, not exact. I have to remain superior, so I bred out some of the intelligence, made him sort of a simpleton, you know? I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him?

All right, Simon, do your worst. I find it's easy if I make it into a little song. Red, green, blue, green, blue, blue Then you put in words I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

Heard what? Brian, don't! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Brian, don't you know about the bird? Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Now take your fucking pants off!

(BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

One time, I tried out for Little League in my ballet shoes, and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants. (GRUNTS) All right, you kids finish him off.

Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed.

Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya.

I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

but can't you look the other way this one time? As a friend? Yeah, you know, Joe, you owe this family. I didn't tell anyone about your Fiona Apple tribute video. I've been a bad, bad girl

Whoa, whoa, What the hell are you doing? Don't eat that.

Someone to care for To be there for f ha ve James Woods Someone to do for Muddle through for You ha ve James Woods Someone to share ioy Or despair with

(YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING) I can almost hear the stillness As it yields to the sound of your heart beating Bum, bum, bum

(THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING) (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

I got you a little something, you know, for the show. It's Italian. Do you like it? Oh, It's exquisite. It's not for every day. Clearly. I'm gonna put it on right now. I know how hard you've been working. And the whole family appreciates it.

Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper. A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that...

I see you breathing out your hole. What is it, Glenn? Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me? Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire. DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail.

World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease. "Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away." Hey, you hear that, fellas? She misses me! (LAUGHING) You're all wet.

I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"?

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge.

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car! We have to go to that concert.

Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

I think I can explain it to you, Peter. This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar.

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING)

Hey, Quagmire. Can I... Hang on a sec.

A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque. Ugly phoque and bitch.

but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any--

Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

Everybody, spit on Meg. Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay!

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision. Please rise.

(ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK PLAYING)

Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

Nantucket, Cape Cod and all the great destinations that make Massachusetts the wondrous place it is. The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old and what's new

Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you. I suppose it's money you're wanting. I owe you some allowance and so forth. Oh, no, I don't want money, I just want to get to know you and be friends. So I can finally have a real dad who loves and respects me. You can't be me son, you and me are nothing alike.

Ha! Kind of tickles. Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! in other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought.

Guys, Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car! No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat. Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.

Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

aSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Jeez, I could swear I parked here. Yeah, you did. But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car. I'm not gonna panic. I need to go back in the casino and find a high roller who'll pay A million dollars to sleep with my wife.

and I'm quite fond of ballet. One time, I tried out for Little League in my ballet shoes, and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants. (GRUNTS) All right, you kids finish him off.

Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Brian. What? Are you serious? I feel like I didn't get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose? All right. But I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow-kite.

No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.

I swear to God, sometimes I feel like just going on strike! What would you all do if I went on strike? Huh? What would you do? I'm talking to you! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go on strike! And you can all try living without me! You ever think about that, huh? (SCREAMING) That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that. Kids, we're free.

Maybe I should go in. He's so upset.

Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears....

Is that the topless place in South Attleboro? I spat on a chick there at a work retreat. Peter, just stop talking. What? We've been places. They ain't so great. Well, this year is perhaps our biggest trip ever.

I wonder what the guys are up to? oh, That's nasty.

Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Dad! What are you doing? All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt for about three weeks.

Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be

These are mine! So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal.

Who do you think you are?

What do you mean, "they all look the same?" Hey, there's all my favorite people! Oh, no, not this suck-up. What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews? So good to see you, Barrington. Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald? Huh? Huh? Where we going today? You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald?

And we deserve all the rights and privileges that everyone else getS. But we have to think about the welfare of our children! Uh... Stewie, is that you? Look, Lois. my mind is made up. I'm not giving up an inch of Petorian soiL. It's not a sign of weakness to compromise. I just think you should... Peter, stop staring at my chest! Oh, yeah. Sorry, Lois.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

All right. But look, here's the deal. Anything he lops off, we get to bring home for Brian. That's very green of you, Peter. What? I don't know. Lois, that doesn't make any sense at all. Yeah, it's something I heard on TV. I don't know. Have fun at the circus. (SIGHS) I wonder how long it's gonna take.

Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING)

Peter, have you been drinking?

I've never seen so many chicks in one place. Hey, hey. Check out those 2 hotties. They're so lonely, they're practicing kissing each other. I don't think they're practicing. Oh. oh! ah! Oh.

But when I saw the movie, it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's, she hadn't eaten anything in a year. WHoo! I am such a bitch!

Did you know he knew 19 guys who died on 9/11? I mean, what are the odds? Peter, I think you joined a terrorist sleeper cell. What? That's crazy.

Okay, Stewie, let's get that little face washed off. Then you can play with your bath toys, huh? STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that?

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I'm not your father.

Hey, Lois. So, how was your first day of voiceover? (NERVOUSLY) It was nothing. Turns out, I'm just doing very obscure European commercials. Nothing you'll ever see. You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air.

We now return to Sherry and the Anus. Anus, are you still up? Yeah. Come on in, sis. Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend? Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Wasn't she supposed to leave, like, two hours ago? I thought so. Go ask her what she's doing. I'm not asking her. You go ask her. Consuela, I thought you finished cleaning hours ago. Yeah. What are you still doing here? I wait for rain to stop. It's time for you to go home.

Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that?

Bonnie. Would you like to sample a warm French baguette? Oh, my. My intention is to defecate on you. I'd almost forgotten what it's like to be romanced. Come on, Bonnie, we are leaving. What? Look, I'm doing you a favor. My stool will sleep alone tonight.

I'm not pregnant.

Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

Ah, You damn kids with your music.

That's exactly what we need. Hey, Wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president? You bet we did. Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy! Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy

Hello. If you're watching this, it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed. As a result, I'm now dead. KENNETH: That's not it. If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885. KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom.

Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

(WHIRRING) (MECHANICAL HOOTING) I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying. Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin. I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.

Meet George Jetson His boy Elroy Daughter Judy

(SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit! The only thing I've held you back from is failure!

Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going. Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

Whoops. I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

(HUMMING) So where you from? Newburyport. What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe.

No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home! Quagmire, you rat bastard!

llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping.

Yeah, someone should write "wash me" in the dust on that flat ass. (BOTH LAUGHING) Move over, funnyman Richard Lewis. We got Richard Lois!

I tell you, Cleveland, he's been working out all week and he hasn't lost a pound.

Mom, Dad's crashing a plane on television. Oh, my God! What the hell is your father doing on a plane? I don't know, but I can think of 100 better things he could be doing on television.

and the fact of your firm young body commingling with... withered flesh,

Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

Hey, I was violated sexually, and that man is going to pay. And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer. STEWIE: Lois? (SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois?

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom. it sure has, diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, "go back where you came from." Uh, I don't think that's the expression. Yeah. I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway... Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching.

Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor." What? What are they honoring you for? Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend. And it's free. Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say. Wait, you're not gonna go, are you?

Look, I'm gonna call Mahmoud right now on this cell phone he gave me. He'll tell you. (BEEPING) (DISTANT EXPLOSION) Damn phone's busted. Maybe I dialed wrong. (BEEPING) (EXPLOSION) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Peter, please stop trying to call Mahmoud. This is very serious. Your friends are terrorists. Think about it.

I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn?

This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Hey, Brian, have you seen the remote? I want to watch The Weather Channel. There are tornados in the Midwest, and I like watching poor people scramble to save what little they have.

Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead! Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

That was me. I got musical farts. (HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) Holy crap, this is awesome. I will not allow this opportunity to go to waste. Hey, Lois, how was your day? Terrible. I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot.

Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. What? It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class.

No! Sock Lois doesn't feel authentic to me anymore.

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what?

Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

Why not, Lois? He's The Juice.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me.

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat!

I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

And all the juice is being collected underneath? Yes, and whoever collects the most is gonna win a free weekend here at the chateau with international foods and wine tastings. Stop! (STEWIE EXCLAIMS) (THUDS) (STEWIE SCREAMING)

Sir, why are you riding your ten-speed in the rain? I don't mind. A little drizzle never hurt anybody. I like riding the ten-speed because it's fun, gives me energy, and it's a great way to stay in shape. How long have you lived in Quahog? Well, I used to live in the city, but I decided moving here would be a little more relaxing, a little more manageable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

You're coming in too fast! Look out! (BOTH SCREAMING) All right, this is good.

Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give

(THINKING) Ah! This is great. I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it. Predator Versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen. Where's a pen? Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar idea like that. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the...

Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms. Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody. (SIGHS) I don't know, Brian.

She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly Screw off. "M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

Hey, Paw, you're late.

His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick.

TOM ON TV: Stay with us as the countdown to doomsday continues with just six more hours to go. The only thing that's nice about this is even though it's a Tuesday, it feels kind of like it's a Friday. Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word.

Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying. But you can't force the spark back into our marriage. Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

(BOTH GRUNTING) - What happened? - I don't know.

Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. heh, A woman driving. That's adorable. Peter, I don't think... Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car! We're here! Thank God. Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf?

Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now. Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub, what will you miss most? You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. Are you ready? No. Ready!

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! I know you can't understand what I'm going through. All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you. You are one lucky-- Ah-ah, Stop now. Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them.

Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.

Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night Hi, Peter. I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight. Peter and I are going to see Zapped.

Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund. I love it, but I feel like it was too much. Cute, right? It's Thom Browne. It was over $3,000. You spent $3,000 on a sweater? What's it to you? That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money?

Lucky there's a man who Positively can do

No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards?

Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. What the deucE? For less than the ticket price of one of my movies about capital punishment or neo-feminism, you can make sure that Stewie never goes hungry again.

(GONNA FLY NOW PLAYING) Gonna fly now

It's been so wonderful having you home all week. Thanks, honey. But honestly I dunno how you stand bein' in the house all day. I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch T.V. anymore. All the shows are starting to run togetheR. This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H". Ah, Hello?

Um. Yeah. So, what are you doing here? I'm picking up my friend Peter. Are you picking up a boyfriend? No, actually. I got arrested for protesting the Walmart opening. Oh, yeah. I went to the first part of that, but then some fireworks went off and I ran for two miles straight.

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter. That ought to slow them down.

Hey, Doc, I'm here for my dialysis. Have a seat, Peter. Let's get you hooked up. Doc, I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's been three weeks. I know, I saw the caption. Yeah, but I just go crazy just sitting here for so long. I know it's tough, but maybe there's something I can do to make it easier. Here, play with this bucket of afterbirth.

I can't even form a cogent simile anymore!

(AIR HISSING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Quick, Brian, get on! PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

You'll be right after Ron Howard!

Back up in your ass with the resurrection Is the group harder than an erection That shows more affection They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto

Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?

Does that mean nothing to you? Of course it does. It means everything to me. Oh, God! What have I donE? I'm not marrying you! I'm not marrying you, you spoiled guinea... Whoops. My daughter, what is the problem you are having on this, the day of my daughter's wedding? Larry wants to whack someone on our honeymoon!

If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

It'll give me time to catch up on my reading. Oh, Usually there are so many distractions. Come into my home, will ya? I'll show you, you bastards.

I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning.

That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories.

What was that, like, 30 years ago?

Peter, the horse is here. Oh! Yeah.

Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck.

I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois.

not quite to the mooring mast! Oh, the humanity! And all the passengers screaming around here! And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said, "Oh, the humanity" before, but seriously, "Oh, the humanity" even more right now!

(GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night? Good morning. Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad! Yeah. From The Hills! Yeah. You seem surprised.

Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes.

Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi. She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly Screw off. "M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

Oh, What brilliant parenting, Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I might asphyxiate myself, just to teach you a lesson. Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I am going to do it. I am going to do it.

Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard.

Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody? Chris, what the hell? I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up! I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party.

Maybe We should cut down on your sweets.

You did this, Peter! This is all your fault! I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years. It's choppier, it's more texturized. Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name? Well, now that you know how it feels, maybe you want to give him an apology. You went to Taki, didn't you? Look, Peter, I'm sorry for the way I treated you,

I don't know, but this late, it's got to be bad news. Everyone knows you always get bad news in the middle of the night. Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What? - You have cancer! - What? Yeah. I thought you should know. Okay, go back to sleep. Wait, I have questions. (SIGHS) It's very late.

Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it.

"Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."

I just think it's presumptuous. I mean, come on, "The country's best yogurt"? You know, prove it. Show me your data. MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

Dancing in the street

Hey, look at me, Chris! I'm Yanni, sans the attitude. My God, that's amazing! You are so talented. Huh? Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony!

Thank God I'm out of that hospital. It's great to be eating lunch with my family instead of a bunch of chronic masturbators. Those people are disgusting. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal, Patrick?

There's so... There's so... There's so much... I... (SOBBING) Thank you, Quagmire. Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words.

Who's Scott? My soul mate, Lois. I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you. What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual. And that's how I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting. And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus.

What the hell's going on?

together. Together. Ma'am, you dropped your napkin. Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later. I love you, Lois. I love you, too, Peter. What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

She's being kept alive by medical science.

I know you just can't wait to stare at all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra-boomin', all-consumin'

Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this? That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

Go! Oh! Oh! aah! Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job.

Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum."

You wrote back, "Looks fine" and you just added that part about Grape Ape. "P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. "The end." (SIGHS) Wow. I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING)

Fellas, this race ain't over yet. (THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over.

This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake?

Now you get your ass back into that hippie car of yours and take me to the North Pole, now! Look, I know you're upset. Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus? Screw that. This was never about Christmas presents, Brian. Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole? Because I'm going to kill Santa Claus!

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.

What's wrong with you? What? I just wanna share my throbbing emotions and shoot hot hug all over you. I don't get why that's a problem. Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay? You, too. Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped? I killed it and ate it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something? Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab.

They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox Hoping you could be coerced I can think of quite another place They should've stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you.

Bye. Peter, I've been running the numbers on this farm, and we're in deep trouble. We haven't grown a single crop to sell. And meanwhile, you're spending half our money down at the General Store, and the other half at the Specific Store. Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds?

That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick.

Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out.

(WATER RUNNING) We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

Did I hold on to the ball? Hang in there, Dad. I'm gonna get you fixed up.

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS)

Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING)

Mambo! (PANTING)

I can't believe I have to change schools because of you! This is all your fault, Lardo! Me? I had nothing to do with it. No. I meant Chris! Oh. Yeah, Lardo! Look, everybody. Here we are. The town of Bumblescum.

Lois, the bird must die! it's gone! It's gone! Oh, Thank God! Peter, what's that sound? Oh, My God! They're babies. Hey, Look, Lois. There are 3 of them, just like ours.

Let's say we're at someone else's store and there's a sign and it says, "Buy one, get one free."

Right, and When that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns, how--how would our forefathers have settled their differences? 8, 9, 10, and turn!

Lois, Stewie's making noise. As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel. Hey, hey, look, Stewie, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement. (IN CHILDISH VOICE) "Hey, hey, Stewie, "I'm gonna go play down in the basement. "Here I go." (HUMMING) What? Why, Rupert? Why do you want to play in the basement? "I don't know, I just feel like there might be some fun stuff down there." I'm not following your logic. And why are you talking different than usual?

Hey, you know what I find hilarious? Bothans. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. (INHALES SHARPLY) Ooh!

Nope. Sorry, Chris. She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No!

Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Giggity! Platinum-plated silverware Just one day when kids don't stare It's all I really want for Christmas this year!

Donny Most Sunday, Monday Happy Days Now, watch carefully, you guys.

Ow! STORMTROOPER: Freeze!

Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

You make me feel there are songs to be sung Bells to be rung, And a wonderful fling to be flung And even when I'm old and gray I'm going to feel the way I do today

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.

Well, Daddy, you didn't want Peter in your boat... so team Griffin is gonna give you a run for your money. ANNOUNCER: Andnow, to fire the starting gun... is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men.

Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.

(BABBLING) Chris, you gotta... You gotta... It's important for you to get an education! Get in there and finish your homework! PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin struggled to make ends meet until he died tragically in the same manner as 78% of Americans at that time. He was stabbed in a card fight.

but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe. (GASPING) What? Oh, my God. Good Lord! I am a genius. What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work.

I'm sweating more than a non-legacy applying to Yale. (ALL LAUGHING) (SLURRING)

This is gonna be way better than when we had that Victorian girl ghost over for dinner. (MUSIC BOX TINKLING) (CRYING) My governess drowned me in a well. You are a horrible dinner guest.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

We'll bring him down, Mom. All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet.

You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out?

What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks.

(VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing. I've never seen a guy your size who could move like that. How would you like to play for the New England Patriots?

QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES)

"Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh! You...

Hey, Stewie, I found this receipt for a speedboat rental upstairs in your room.

Son of a bitch!

You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m. Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING) (MEN LAUGHING)

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me.

God, she's more stubborn than you are! Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set. No! But you've gone for two turns! Get lost! It looks like fun and I want to do it! No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump off! (SCREAMING) - Get Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast.

(VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing. I've never seen a guy your size who could move like that. How would you like to play for the New England Patriots? PETER: I'd love to. Say, listen, Tom, could you get me a towel? I threw up on the floor. Sure. And could you also get another towel? I also threw up on this gentleman's bare lap.

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Ha!

Well, this is no better.

but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!" Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

If they do, then we're winners If they don't Then we put them in the designated pile for tickets we already checked This is taking forever That's why Brian is yawning And Stewie's rubbing his eyes The montage is almost over

Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous!

You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. You know what, everyone? Forget it. Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. But after all this, Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 'cause right now I wish I was dead. If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault.

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth.

JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class!

How you coming on that novel you're working on, huh? Got a big stack of papers there? Got a nice little story you working on there? The big novel you've been working on for three years, huh? Got a compelling protagonist? Got an obstacle for him to overcome?

It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit. Fellas, our way of life is being threatened, and we got to do something about it. Couldn't we just ask the women to leave? No, no.

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

The world's population kept growing and growing.

Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Jeez, that's more of a rip-off than that breakfast machine I bought.

Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. (THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING)

I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Or like 2 college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown we're Rhode Island bound

Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea? Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner. Ok, let's go over the commands. Uh, Sit.

- $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash.

Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year. You know what? No. That's it.

Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy!

Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes?

I'd like you to meet my daughter's husband, Michael.

Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Oink. Oh, my God!

In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth.

PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad. I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself.

Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped

Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this.

All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone. Really?

(CHRIS FARTING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah!

But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it! Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables! Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!" I don't know any more vegetables.

That's amazing.

No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

Well, we've all made mistakes. Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

(MIMICS LOIS) Oh, don't worry, Peter,

Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton. We'll get past it somehow. All I know is, I don't want to do anything to hurt you. Oh, Peter! Why are you naked in my house? Why aren't you? You're all right, Griffin.

Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME.

You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. Carol, how are you? Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things, in a horrific war, that only one other person here could possibly come close to understanding. Ida.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?

Lucky there's a family guy

- Come on, Stewie. Let's go. - Yes, yes. I'm just checking the mail. " say, here's one from the vet. Give me that. Good lord, worms? You have worms? I don't have worms, all right? I just got checked for worms. Oh, wait. No, I do have worms. Oh, God. What am I gonna do? I can't afford the medication for this. - Well, you could ask Lois and the fat one. - No. No. No.

Who wants a brand-new Xbox? Yay! Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God! You're the best father ever! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Daddy! Well, I guess if you can't earn your kids' respect, you can always buy it. (ALL LAUGHING)

But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about.

Listen, why don't you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens and a plaid flannel shirt?

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's fly. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places.

No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here?

Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.

we have to get more money in the pockets... But Republicans are saying this increase is gonna, in fact, put more people out of work and make it harder for American employers to compete in the global marketplace. Wouldn't it? Would... Senator, wouldn't it... Senator, would... Would... Chris, if I... Senator, let me finish. My forehead, my rules. Let's go to Los Angeles. Big actor,

Negative B, plus or minus radical B squared, minus 4A-C over 2A. That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. You know what that means. A witch! Witch! witch! Witch! Witch!

(EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims.

Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this?

They're T-shirts that say, "I lost my shirt in Lost Wages." (LAUGHING) I think maybe you should keep 'em.

"My--my--My wife... Lois..."

I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number...

Do any of you know billionaire Bruce Wayne? No. None of us do. And he wouldn't want to lend us money anyway. I hear. Hey, hey, hey! What's up, Ginas... Vaginas?

To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space...

Oh, He's terrible! But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

Oh! What about him? He's gotta be in his 50s.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm.

We're gonna sneeze and not put our hand over shit.

Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh!

you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead. MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1. Weenie and the Butt.

(GRUNTING) (WHOOPS) (SCREAMING)

Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank.

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap!

Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one. Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

All right, Lois. Go ahead. Say it. (SIGHS) Chris! It's time for supper! (CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!

Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing. I've never seen a guy your size who could move like that. How would you like to play for the New England Patriots? PETER: I'd love to. Say, listen, Tom, could you get me a towel? I threw up on the floor.

Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!

I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess. I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of Hot dogs

I'm a victim of the liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus. Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year, and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again? Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING)

Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse. Which is where your mother-- Don't say it! Your mother smells. seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass. You're trying too hard, death.

Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later. What the fuck?

All right. So, we roll the dice, and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud. - At the same time? - Yeah. And you have to flap your wrists, like this. And you'll do it, too? Of course. That's how it's done. - Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck!

Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly! Check this out, you guys. The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! First prize is $500! Really? If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner.

Hi, you guys. Oh God, it's her. Look, about the other night-- Oh, That was hilarious. I just wish I'd known ahead of time. I would have brought potato salad! Hey, You guys want tomorrow's Biology test? Whoa! How'd you get that? I spent the night with Mr. Burler.

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily.

Hi, Dad. Chris, close the door, there's a... Oh, it's much nicer in here. I'm gonna float around for a while, then stick my needle in your shoulder fat while you sleep. I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid. Well, wait a minute, Peter. Maybe that's the answer.

Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.

(IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here. (CLICKS) What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary.

Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long,

Yeah. Boys. Yay, I helped. - Cheryl, wait. - Jillian. I'm sorry. I'll do anything, please! Meg? Yeah, this still happens sometimes.

- Hi, Brian. - Michael Eisner? On behalf of ABC, I'd like to give you this parting gift. A bill for the mansion. No givesies-backsies!

Hey, they're not bears on unicycles!

Oh, come on, Lois. He's so cute and he's hungry. What could happen? Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!

Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes.

Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her. Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance.

Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach.

Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

We got Peterson on the violin And Quagmire and Joe will be joining in We got stumpy Seamus on the lead guitar And he's gonna give you a great big... (GRUNTING) Break! (CROWD APPLAUDING) Oh, God, they put so much work into theirs!

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test. I'm gonna try out what I've learned on Denise. Well, good luck.

It's the cops! Run! Hold it, you two. Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally? Uh, uh... Lois, look over there! Run!

Hey, Meg, you here for the expired hot dogs? No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris. I've looked everywhere and I can't find him. - I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out. - (KNOCKING) Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Uh... From Katrina? Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again.

JEFF: So what? I need money for motor oil and wallet chains!

Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole.

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today.

Peter, I'm home!

It was a Saturday night, and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. (CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG)

Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore!

What am I doing here? I've been waiting out here for hours! What? You were supposed to pop inside real quick and find someone who looked enough like me so I could use their I.D. And then you were supposed to come out and give me the I.D. so I could get inside. What?

So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure. (STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.

Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.

Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on. At hurts! Good. All right. We good to go? Yup. All right, how's my man-tan? There we go. All set. Good. A little body glitter for you.

Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet!

Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face? Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? (GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan? Oh, my God! Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat!

Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet?

In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract. Really? Why didn't you take it? Well, I wanted to, but your grandfather wouldn't let me. But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family. Now go away. I'm busy.

You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once.

And, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green. And We're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you! Aw, jEEz. Mine doesn't look anything like his.

A rose for the gentleman? What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes!

Why wouldn't you look at me during? (SOBBING)

But we got to get back over to our place and kind of do... What do we have to do? Roll some joints and get high. Yeah, we got to do those things. That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

(TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.

What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do. TIN MAN AND SCARECROW: What's that? Talk me out of it.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese.

(SCREAMS) MALE VOICE: Dragon's Lair.

- Hey, how's it going? - Good. Those are huge. Those are huge boobs. And you know what's nice? That you don't have that blue vein up there that some of the bigger ones get. What? I said you don't have that.

Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

Well, I mean, I didn't technically graduate. (GASPING) You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house?

Sure, Lois, I mean, look at Elroy Jetson. He was a child actor and he turned out just fine. Do you know who I am? I'm Elroy Jetson! Yeah, yeah, Come back when you have some money. Take him home, bamm-Bamm. Bamm-Bamm! bamm! I don't want to go home! Take me to Astro's grave!

- What is this, Lois? - It's jambalaya. It's a new recipe. (GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin.

Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God! Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well.

I just don't think it's right.

No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

- Yeah. - They've never done that.

No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

Dear God, my time machine! You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad.

(WATER RUNNING) We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries. Uh, if--If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? 'cause, you know, i--I don't wanna be the only one eating them. I'll feel like a fatty.

I have the power!

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out.

You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

(DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck.

Well, the money helps but I'll always feel my ancestors' pain. Hey, Hey, from down there does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?

While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs.

Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler,

Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you. I will never be attracted to you! You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch!

Oh, I hate the sound of her crying.

All right, what this is has no name, so you can't have it. (CHUCKLES) We got him. Halloween is fun.

Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words.

Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now?

Oh, the swordfish looks good today. I'll have that and start with the caviar. Hey, can I look at the menu? Sorry, Carter. This menu is for members only. The guest menu is on the placemat next to the word scramble. Aw... I guess I'll have the chicken fingers and SpaghettiOs.

You're going to jail, punk!

Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach? Uh, $12 for coach. Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia?

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

You're a phony!

Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her-- Graham cracker. Graham cracker, yes, yes. That's--That's it. Um, All right, so, uh,

Jester, I've got to get to him.

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

Evil, evil monkey Chris, will you knock that off for two minutes? We want to talk to you. Take five, guys. What do you buttheads want? You've been playing with your friends long enough. Now it's time for you to come inside and do your homework. It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What? Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way.

No, you already screwed up big time. Lot of dead Jews. Am I a blue state or a red state hobo? Blue, but Midwestern blue. Oh, boy. (GRUMBLING) It's cold out there.

Oh, my God! Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my! Do we... Do we rub his nose in it?

Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave.

Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it. Yeah, me neither.

you should've told me.

Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do. Giggity Giggity.

I don't care. I don't care. Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep. 'Cause you're gross. And even if they are, so what? Who are you saving yourself for? Hey, look, I got to go. I don't know if we're coming to Thanksgiving. Because I don't know! She's staying in there. I know.

(MORNING PLAYING) My word, what a gorgeous way to wake up. I hope you don't mind. I checked the time your alarm was set for, and I shut it off. I figured this might be a more gentle way to start off the day.

I mean, if you really break it down, what we need is a black guy. Yeah, that was the best thing about Cleveland. Oh, by far. I sure do miss him. Peter's right! We got to find another black guy! Yeah, because otherwise, we're just a bunch of boring white guys, like a London gentlemen's club. (MAN 1 CLEARS THROAT)

So I'll use Meg's laptop. (GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell?

Ahh! uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh!

'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you. Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

(BEEPING) (MACHINE ZAPPING)

I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right.

has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market.

Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh! (GASPS)

Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

What the hell is he talking about?

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)

Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh! - Hold it! - Freeze! Ahh! There he is. Hands up, Griffin. You're coming with us. H-h-hang on. I want to see what they do with this jackass. Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom,

Brian, thanks so much for doing this. Paul and I are so excited to see your act. Oh, thank... Wait. What? Paul, my boyfriend. Paul, this is Brian. Boyfriend? Oh, come on! I paid $800 for all this crap! You have a boyfriend?

You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip. There ain't nothing funny about four pictures of the Capitol Building and all that writing. What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois. Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about.

But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan." Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it! I love it! You have the faculty's full support.

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

Coming to A.B.C., the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this?

For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?

Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis.

Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s. It shouldn't be in this jukebox. Wait, wait, can I have that record? I love that song.

Ok, Chris. Time for some good, old-fashioned exercise. like those guys are doing. I say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts, and lifting our huge triangular iron weights! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup! Dad, I don't like running.

But where are those good old-fashioned values

There. Made lots of room. Hey, waiter. That--That sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, That's only for the staff, right? Uh, Technically, yes. That's what I thought. Great. Oh, man! These all look good, every one of 'em. Hey, You want some bread? No! Peter, is that you? Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me!

From Katrina? Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then.

But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan.

A plum? What is this, 1986?

I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Like Joan of Arc. Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn. Isn't that cool? No. I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like. My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty. Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76.

uh, I do not sound like that! Oh, This is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter! Meg! Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home. Oh, Sweetie. It's good to have you back.

Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete, like white track stars. On your marks. Get set. White guys, go! I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif Bar before we started. Everybody else! (GASPS) I thought they were coming after us.

Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again.

What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast! Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car?

What's wrong with the TV? Nothing, Chris. All the shows are in widescreen now, so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.

Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING) Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.

Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo." Peter, those are Cheerios.

Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah. You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get them into my body somehow.

No. No. You fat keep you warm.

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

My birthmark makes it kind of tough. Always caused me problems at my old job. And that'll do it for us here at Channel 12 News. Make sure you turn those clocks ahead. Good night, St. Louis. Yeah, I don't know, I was never that crazy about the moustache. Well, I suppose I could lose it and just use more makeup. Yeah, that'd be cool.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers. - That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily?

Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points. But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here.

(SOBBING) Oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you.

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper?

Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

Terrific. Thanks. You're welcome. You know, this used to be all orange trees.

(CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! Just use a dish towel! There aren't any, Brian!

Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible.

(LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)

Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs

(SIGHING) All right, Stewie. Let's do it. Yeah, see, I'm glad you came around. You know, the only thing that was holding me back even a little is knowing how much Lois is gonna milk this.

Cool. I'll call you later.

Hey, Peter, you ready to go to The Clam? Oh. Who's the hot chick? Oh, that's Stella. You don't have to whisper, she's deaf. Really? Oh, my God, that's hot. I didn't know you had a thing for deaf chicks. Any kind of disabled chick, Peter. They can do things to you that regular chicks don't even think of.

Would you rather have dinner and then sex with Megan Fox's body with Leonard Nimoy's head on it or reroof an entire condo complex by yourself? Oh, boy. Can I close my eyes? No, eye contact the whole time and a lot of kissing. Well, how about Megan Fox's head on Leonard Nimoy's body? I know, somehow that's better. The hybrid organism exists as I've described it.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING) Q, R, S, T, U, V Standing here with these kids W, X, Y and Z Waiting for the song to end

All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already? Yup, come on. (GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career. Well, I hope you got your fill, Peter. Death, that was totally worth it.

She's gone, Jillian's gone.

PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows.

You Will warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials only.

but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down.

Oh, wow! Really? I've heard they're just beautiful. (IN AFRO-AMERICAN ACCENT) What's going on, man? Oh, what's going on yourself? (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) - I almost drowned yesterday. Oh, man! It's wet out here. Oh, look at them. They're magical, aren't they? Listen, Joan. I have something very important to ask you. DOLPHIN 1: Hey, James. DOLPHIN 2: Mmm-hmm.

(WOMAN SINGING)

They were the ones who invented the buckle on the hat. Hey, I like your zipper hat. I like your zipper hat. Morning, fellas. Oh, that's going to be a game changer. Do you hunt, Peter? Well, I went to three stores to find this shirt. (CHUCKLES) Peter, you've got moxie. I like that.

(GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING)

This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects.

Honey, you awake? Morning, sweetie. (SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed?

But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys! You're no match for the '90s black guys!

I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey I just want some colored Easter eggs

Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her! I can't work this way. I quit! Fine. We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons.

I have an announcement to make. No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat.

They've outlawed all abortions Late or early It's a sin we can't abide What if you find a fetus left abandoned? We just take it and we jam it back inside Oh, yes, 'cause I dream of Republicantown

the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law. My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim.

You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on. Okay.

Ah! That was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that. Oh, my God! (BOTH GASP) Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ew! No, no, this is my sister. Ew! No, no, no, I'm impotent. Ew! I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself. Ew! I mean, she's a man. Ew!

Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. (EXCLAIMS) It's not really my cup of tea. Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid.

As she retarded? Can you please leave now? Oh, now I get it, she's a moron. But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.

Brian, I don't have much time. God, I never should have made you leave the house! This is all my fault! Shh. Shh. Shh. Don't be so hard on yourself. Aside from the truck part, this was the best day of my life. I only wish we could have a little more time together. We can.

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

(EXCLAIMS) This idiot will fit in with our family as badly as Peter fit in with The Proclaimers. But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.

Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum. And this is for laughing and looking at the camera... during every sketch you've ever been in. Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you? You haven't earned what she's earned, buddy. All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter?

Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch. Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please? Dad, what the hell?

This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker. ahh! Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall! I'm on it, Meg.

I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar down by the airport already took it.

but instead, you did what you thought was right. I haven't thought about that family in years. I think about them all the time. And the example you set for me that day. It's the very reason I left Iraq. It sucks how early I have to work. (SIGHS) Well, Kevin, I still can't say that I agree with your choice.

Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch! MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway. I hate it when Woody casts another actor in a role he's supposed to play, 'cause they always act like him.

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself?

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster,

Brian, what the hell?

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous. Ok, disability claim.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison.

Freak. So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

and my arm came out of its socket. Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?

Huh? Huh? Oh, please! Peter, your excuses are lamer than F.D.R.'s legs. Too soon?

Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. (YAWNS) Dad, what are you doing? Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40. (MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

A presence I've not felt since... (GRUNTS) Stewie, you're alive. Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated. You have an annoying habit of turning up where you're not welcome. Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y."

If you don't want to follow procedure, fine. Stay here in limbo. No, no, No, wait--Wait. I don't want to be in limbo! Ok. It says the next note will be right under my nose. And they're off!

MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio.

Donny Most Now he rises From the haze Actually, it's Don Most now. Donny Most

Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

(SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog! He's got my neck! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! My dog is dead!

You! Over here in the back! Do I hear $100? Oh, Come on! $5? All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime. Behind the fat chick! No? Ok.

But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs?

Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good. Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely. Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING)

I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh!

It's a fake. It's not real.

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying.

You see, everybody needs just one person to believe in their dreams so they can spread their wings and fly. Dad, can I have money for dance classes? Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. I'd pay to see you not dance. When will you be back? I don't know. But I'll be sure to be back before Chris' big dance class recital. I believe in that boy. I don't want to dance! You'll dance!

- Hey, Joe, can I borrow this? - JOE: Sure.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it?

All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

The Washington Monument.

Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now. Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much.

This is weirder than that rap video by M.C. Escher. Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs

I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like.

Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? To the can, because kissing you made me barf. What? Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage.

All right, well, thanks again, Peter. I got to head out. I told my mother I'd visit her in the hospital. Yeah, and I got to work. I'm flying a leg to Minneapolis tonight.

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

Brian should be allowed to see his puppies!

Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet?

My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Penelope, I can't let you do this.

holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da.

What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

Looking like we might have some weather Then we go to E minor Oh, definitely got some weather Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first And then we go back to my house You sound like an unbelievable douche. Then Brian comes in And I change up the tempo

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.

I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

I feel like I'm losing my mind. That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois. Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, the President has been shot. Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot. What's the President doing in this casket? We'll tell you right after this.

What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet. The Emmys are on tonight. Oh, God. Don't tell me you forgot about Meg's play tonight. But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. Plus, I went to her first grade play that one time. Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle.

Come on, Greg. Let's roll.

That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy.

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.

Would you like that, Brian? Huh? Flying puppies? No, Peter. Those puppies in there are mine. And I'll give anything to be with them. Anything. I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate!

You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once. Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.

I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man. No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been?

Ooh. Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. Oh, And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one? Don't forget this! Maybe you could hang it in your officE. Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it.

- Some guys from Iraq? - No.

There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall! Oh, hey, I meant to ask you did you ever find out what that button on my bureau was from? Oh, yeah. Chris' denim jacket.

(CRYING) So, Meg... How was school? Horrible. There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my backup guy had plans.

All right, guys, all we got to do now is keep a low profile and not mention a word of this to anybody. Not even the police. That's right, not a word to anyone. Nobody. Lips are sealed. Ooh! I want to tell somebody. Peter! You shut your mouth!

Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control. Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me?

I'm "Nudes on Ice"!

(SCREAMS IN PAIN) Wait a minute. Who are you? I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir. Stewie, go on, get out of here,

But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right. Girls! Girls! Girls!

You don't see Nike or Microsoft or General Motors or Ford or Boeing or Coca-Cola or Kellogg's profiting from non-American labor.

He-Man TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING)

WEll, That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment.

Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,

Oh, my God, yes! Brian killed a dog! This is fantastic. Mr. Swanson is sleep-dragging again. I'm flying! I'm flying!

Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again. I don't want to impose. No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday.

It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia, this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day-- Over! Fine! I don't need you! I can manage my own career! YeS. Yes, i'm-- I'm quite capable of that.

I mean, I once found the Batcave. Look, you can't expect to hire 60 workers to dig a cave under your house, and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town.

Maybe you got a Saturday night free.... You know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, maybe we could.... Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you. Hey, how are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it.

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late.

The other one's for blood. (WHIMPERING) Cleveland's old house. Perfect! Damn, no toilet paper. - Hey, Joe, can I borrow this? - JOE: Sure.

What the hell is he doing?

In a moment, we will use the special lights to see just how filthy this seemingly clean hotel room really is. (ANIMALS CALLING)

And then what are you gonna do? Let's see... Are you gonna shower her off after all that candle wax? No, I'm gonna keep her filthy. Yeah, she's been a bad girl. And then I'm gonna gag her with her own underwear. (LAUGHING) What? No, no, nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to humiliate her.

This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois.

(SCATTING) Cool!

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that! Oh, This is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter!

We both valued our privacy, however, so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media.

Peter, we're in Asiantown.

Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are.

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test.

Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Oh, please, my father is Mr... Oh, no, he's... Okay, well, he used to be Mr. Quagmire. Now he's... Now he's just Ida Davis.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(CLANKING) I died! I died!

That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

Once I stepped out from behind that mask, Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder.

Well, Meg, you got your job back. Actually, Chris, I don't. I really appreciate what you did for me, but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. The important thing is that you stood up for me, and I won't forget it.

No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade.

Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

This is so cool! Hey, what are you wearing, so I make sure I don't wear the same thing? Um, you're not invited, Meg. What? But it's at my house. Uh, Connie, let me handle this. I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come. There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of. Hey, Chris, come on!

Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just...

Yeah, shaving time. All right, hand me the razor. (MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing.

Am I supposed to draw the penis?

Say it. - Say it back to me. - What? - Say, "sweet niblets"! - Sweet niblets. That wasn't so hard, was it? I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet. That's so good to hear. I want to like her. She's so funny. I want her to also be nice.

Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians.

No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started! No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses. Look, there's my face.

I was the human resources director for the Muppets. Mr. Beaker, it is my unfortunate task to inform you that your services will no longer be required by this company. (MEEPING) Well, if you must know, it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please.

Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. Oh, there's the cute prom couple. Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon?

TOM: Good evening, Quahog.

But why hasn't the universe ceased to exist? I don't know. Unless there's still a chance of me being born. But da Vinci is dead. Yes, but we're still here. So I must have done, or will do, something that will save the universe. If I can just figure out what that is...

You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel!

Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch.

This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

And they're off!

111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113...

Brian, going back in time ruined my life.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.

You bitch! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

I said, when people die, they void their bowels.

How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.

We're going to add...

"She almost makes the day begin "I've grown accustomed to the tune "that she whistles night and noon Her smiles, her frowns her ups, her downs are second nature to me now Like breathing out and breathing in I'm very grateful she's a woman

Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson.

One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes. How much would you pay for laser eye surgery? $500, $700, $10,000? How about $12? Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish!

COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.

Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years. Oh, three years? You mean like the three years you have left on this planet? Oh, that's nice. Hey, if you guys are so close, maybe Jillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women. And Cheryl should know that you took that class. Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch!

Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

You kissed me And stopped me from shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire God, he's so talented. You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn.

Uh, Sorry, Stewie. A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham. I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painleSS.

I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do. I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside. And the rest, well...

(PLAYING BAKER STREET SOLO)

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party.

and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

Young man, where did you get this toad?

Oh. Brian? Where's Cheryl Tiegs? Well, she's not coming. I wrote you that because I knew you'd never come if it was me. But I planned a big night, and we're gonna have a great time. Brian, Cheryl was the one that got away. She was the great love of my life. I thought this was my chance to finally achieve some real happiness.

So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on-- CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive.

We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what? Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking,

He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the blonde who tells you loudly With a voice just like a knife "You know, someone should do a sitcom Based around my life"

For starters, we're making sex education more fun. Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies And our schools are the safest around, thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS!

You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe?

Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend? (LAUGHING) He got you, Brian! (GROANS) Why didn't I think of this before?

It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick!

(PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

Oh, my God! No, no!

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car.

You don't think I can catch you? My anklE!

Boring! Report of a stabbing in-- BlAh, blah, blaH.

Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash.

Cowboy butt sex

How am I a bastard? Oh, you want the full story? Meg, please. Not now, Mom.

Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. "Have you hidden my hatchet?" "'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?"

D-Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.

It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it! All right. Okay. I'll study! I'll help you, if you want. No, thanks, Lois. There's only one person who can help me. (HEARTS ON FIRE PLAYING)

There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me. Hey, who wants a Fenway frank? Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy," like a Fenway frank. Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore. In a public restroom, lad? For the good of your soul, show some restraint.

(CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay.

Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back. Ok, here you go, honey. Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all!

Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: You take the weight off of me Oh, honey, when I knock on your door... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) Oh, I give you my...

No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death!

Now she knows how I felt when I was at her piano recital. No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.

Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor. Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to? New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester. What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972.

Stop this travesty right now! So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage.

What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately!

Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger,

It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar.

Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.

I feel the need. The need for speed! The need for speed! And Scientology. No, just speed.

Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God.

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society?

Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh? Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinky prostitute.

We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke!

Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice. We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture.

I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

I don't think she'll notice because she's here humping you! Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible,

No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama! Um... You know something, Brian? Yeah?

Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio hasn't worked here for four years. The hell with you. I'll use the other bathroom. MALE VOICE: Somebody's in here. Oh. Excuse me. Good morning? Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right.

lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went

Hi there, everybody. You know, my Aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years.

after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge, tragically killing all the teenagers on board. Many of the students Tweeted about the accident as it was happening. We have a few here. From @Jenny94, "Water seriously cold, yo." Here's @TheTed69, "I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK."

Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man.

Stewie, gather your things. Time to go. It's about bloody time! Y-- That idiot slattern sent the dog? Oh, oh, oh! Well, this is--this is-- this is, oh, oh! Don't even get me started!

Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take. There's no sign of them anywhere. Meg? Chris? Brian?

But oh, no! I'm naked!

My boyfriend, Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter. She needs to get laid, big-time.

We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street! Logan, let's go! I can't. I, uh... I just can'T. What's with you, logan? You look like hell. Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants.

He drank two bottles of dish soap.

We now return to Bottom Chef. Daniel L., please pack your fudge and go. Fine! TOM: We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news. An aide to Mayor Adam West has been found stabbed to death at the mayor's mansion. That's right, Tom. Police say the victim was killed by a knife belonging to the mayor, who is considered the prime suspect at this time.

Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening. How do I look, Brian? Uh, you sure do, Meg. FYI, the carpet matches the drapes in color and quantity. Ever seen a blacksmith's apron?

TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on.

I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

Wonder what music they're gonna use for her? (FAIL MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) Seems about right.

Goose! Oh, dear. It seems you're still It.

Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter. Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello.

Lois, it just sounds like busy work. It is busy work. I'm trying to keep you off the streets and off drugs. I'm selling those candy bars! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, hey, hey, you want to buy some candy bars so we can get some new uniforms for our baseball team? Where'd you get those candy bars?

What did you just say? "I'm sorry, Peter." After that. "I feel so foolish." After that. "Casino's profits." Before that. "Everyone in the tribe."

Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

Ugh. Peter, can we just get out of here? I want to get this over with. This was part of the deal, Quagmire. I need this to be a lovely evening. Fine. How was work today? I don't want to talk about work. Hey, should we go someplace else for dessert? You know, someplace fun, downtown, where the college kids go? What? I'm not taking you to two different restaurants.

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety.

I take picture of Ang Lee.

Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Okay, get ready for this. Hey, hey, hey, gang! Everybody line up for a "Triple H," a hug, a handshake or a high five, your call. Lois, hug, you got it. Stewie, hug, two in a row. Try for three, Chris? No, high five.

Ugh, look at this. She's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover,

A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Clear off the couch, kids. I'm gonna do your mother right here. But you guys might have to help stuff me in. Oh, my God, Peter! Oh, I'm leaving. I cannot get sick right now.

CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know.

Hey Thanks, "Watches You PeE."

Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING)

And I'm very upset with you.

And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either. (PETER EXCLAIMS) Anyone who wants a piece of O.J. has to get by me. No, Peter. This is my fight. And I'll be the one to fight it. Look at you all. Look what you're doing.

Wow. So, these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes? Indeed they are. Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking? So the housewife tells the plumber, "Okay, you cleaned my pipes, now get to work on that sink." (BOTH LAUGHING)

I want a brand-new pitching wedge I would like more Lemon Pledge That's all I really want for Christmas this year I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey I just want some colored Easter eggs

Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob.

Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video?

PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd.

Hey, Quagmire, uh, you ever been to Atlantic City before? Once, about 20 years ago. Why? All right! All right! All right! All right!

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think. These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver. To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button.

Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes.

Oh, Ah, Hi, Bonnie. This is my friend Big Fat Paulie. And, uh, This is his big fat ass.

Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

What? My hair's in the pie, Brian.

All right! Oh, no!

Well, I don't care what you think.

How are we gonna get past? All right, there's only a few of them. Chewie and I'll take care of those guys, you stay here.

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

Don't look at us, you fucking pig.

No, Luke, don't run downhill!

this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it?

So, how long you been in beauty school? Two months. Well, tonight we're doing facials.

I tell you, fellows, if I don't find some fish out there soon, my family's gonna go hungry. If it's fish you wants, Pelican's Reef is where you'll find 'em. I've seen fish there. More fish than you could possibly imagine. Fish as far as the eye can see. Lots and lots of fish, i--i guess,

9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh?

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring?

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well.

(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING) Mom, oh, my God, guess what!

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

But, apparently, that's not me.

Hey, everybody, check this out. This is wonderful. Look at this, Peter. "Two hundred die in train derailment." Oh, God, Lois. That is just morbidly obese.

Thanks for the ride, Bandit. Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail. Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do. Where the hell are we? Oh, this is history right here, Brian. Gettysburg. Billy Yanks.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh!

and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell. It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma. Come here, babupka. Let me put your fingers in my mouth.

Dad, how come you keep looking at the door? Oh, Meg. You and your drugs. Oh! I wonder who that could be.

Coming up, autism. Is it real or just another excuse for kids these days to forget their manners?

Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

Look, there's my face.

I wouldn't count on it, Lois. (STILL PLAYING)

They'll do what you want. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe it, buddy. They will do what you want. Because they know. They know what you want. "Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. "Me, big American man." My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah.

Here comes Joe and his cop buddies. You got tables for 30? Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe. I thought you were bringing your cop friends over. What are all these parallelograms doing here? You mean paraplegics. These are my friends, Peter. Come on, guys. Let's eat.

I just want some colored Easter eggs I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz We don't know what Christmas is! We have something else called Gishgemfloofneer!

(LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right! (WOLF-WHISTLING) Money! Whoo-hoo! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy. All right. Call me when you blow all your money. Love you, bye. (CARTER HANGS UP) All right, so how are we going to spend our winnings? I'm going to get some supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous. I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'!

Well, I do have a very good virginity coach. No, no, no. Okay, I think I got it. How's this? (IMITATING) No, no, no. No, no, no.

Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff. Patrick? Patrick!

I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird. Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore.

That's loud. I get why that's factual. I don't see why it's funny. Hey, hey! What the hell, man? Drink beer much? (LAUGHS) I just learned that "much" thing from the telly. Hey, here's a question. When are you going back to the ocean? Yeah. I mean, don't you have family back there? I used to, but not anymore.

Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time. And so they sent me back to a brewery. We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets,

and I never got it till last night. Well, I've got a woman story for you that you're not gonna believe. Quagmire's father, decorated war hero Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire, is now a woman. You're kidding. No. Total sex change. (LAUGHS) That is hysterical. I know! Suck on that, Quagmire.

I'm cauterizing your tail. Trust me, I'm a nurse. (WHIMPERING) Brian? What's going on over there? (SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie. Here's a little morphine. What the hell? You're not gonna stick me with that thing.

(CROWD CHEERING) - She's getting beat! - No, she's getting mad. You ain't so tough, young man. That all you got, you son ofa bitch? You're going down, young man.

We're getting along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!

What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right. I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents. Unattractive women do it all the time. You look pretty today, Carol. Thanks. It's probably just the dress and the makeup. Now that I look closer, yeah, I think that's what it is, too.

(WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) Are you a pedophile?

Hey, everybody, Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg.

You travel with a giant poster of yourself?

ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God!

Dropped some pepperoni on there. You know what? That works. Sew it up.

- No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay.

(ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties! Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here! They stink of good cheer, Lois!

Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha!

- Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike? That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam!

like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.

All right, we're cooking now. Cooking now. And the whole book is an e-mail to his daughter, who's dead. And his name will be Norm Hull. Because he's just a normal guy. But not everybody will get that. That's just for the scholars a hundred years from now.

Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him.

Okay, okay. This time we really have to do it. - Okay, all right. You ready? Okay, okay. - Okay. - One, two. - One, two. You want me to kill myself and you're not going to. - You suck. You suck. - You suck.

You and I have a problem. Read it and weep.

Oh, God. That smells like the food foreign guys reheat at work. Oh, God. What is that smell? Did somebody light a box of Band-Aids on fire? (MICROWAVE DINGING) Would anyone like to try my gingbok?

Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away from me, or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe.

You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!

Sweetheart? Oh, You're awake! Hey, uh, can you hand me the pretzels? Here. Where are we? About 2 hours from Cape Cod's most luxurious bed and breakfast. Oh, Peter, this is gonna be wonderful. I'm so excited I want to prep my diaphragm now.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid.

Well, okay, uh, for one thing, they always land on their feet.

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.

All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us. I'm going to show you that age is just a state of mind. Come on, hop in my limo. Wow, a limo! Shotgun! (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready.

Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up, but am I the only one getting a boner right now? Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn? People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage." - Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there.

What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock? Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock was here? Well, they're dead. And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk. That's right, he got it from me.

(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Except for you.

Don't worry. I took care of it.

Meg. Meg, I promise, I'll do better at this job than I did on the SATs. Come on, do math.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule!

Hook up with me! Come on! We can make this work. Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt.

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying. Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers.

One fateful night, I got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind drunk. I was responsible for the death of an innocent 8-year-old girl. What kind? What? What kind of car? You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind? It was a Miata. Come on. That's not a sports car. How does that even kill a kid?

My period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control. Gross. All right. I'm gonna go talk to Chris. Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking, when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep.

What would I do if you weren't here? Mmm? You're the only one who makes my life bearable. I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation. I was just trying to hurt you 'cause you hurt me. But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian. If I didn't have you, I'd be lost. You'd be okay.

(WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

Gary Coleman owed me a favor. Stewie, you want some more strained peas? What you talking about, vile woman?

"Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God.

Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's. But first in medical news, Dr. Elmer Hartman, beloved family doctor to all of Quahog, is the target of a molestation lawsuit. The trial is set to begin tomorrow. We now return you to Native American What's Happening!! Hey, Rerun, you see Dwayne?

Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms.

Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

Oh! Oh, my God. You're serious. But why, Brian? You wouldn't understand. You're just a kid. Well, I could try. I don't know. Sometimes it's all too much. What is? Life. Everything.

LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois. I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Yeah! Peter, would you get in the damn bed? I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever. I gave out all my invitations yesterday. Hey, Chris, I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party tomorrow. Thanks, Dad. I'd love to.

Boys, boys. We can settle this like reasonable and sexy teenagers. Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins.

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming. Not about kicking your fat ass!

I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter.

- I'm--I'm just not comfortable, you know? - Well, I don't... This--This is, like, the '90s, man. I mean, like, everybody... Come on. You saw me on that boat. I was wearing a blazer. Huh? Come on. No! I just... I--I don't want to! All right? I don't want to right now! I told you I'm not comfortable. I think you could respect that. You know? I do respect. I totally respect it.

Now I know my A-B-Cs Yankee Doodle went to town Next time won't you sing with me? Now I know my A-B-Cs (PETER AND CHRIS GROANING) What the devil is that? It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble. (MOANS)

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily.

Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront. I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a common dandy. Never! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) My God! I can't believe she's an android.

Hmm... Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall! Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive,

Oh, that's just an old tank I use for those commercials where I declare war on high prices. Now, about that sedan... (EXCLAIMS) Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game. We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.

(GRUNTS) (GROANING)

Peter, stop scratching that thing. I can't. It's itching like crazy. Dad, can I scratch your beard? Have you finished your homework? Yes. Ok then. Brian, you've been awfully quiet.

Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy.

(CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.

Oh, these clothes. I'm really worried about her, Mr. Pewterschmidt...

(ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this. Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner. Run!

You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

Dad. What's your name again?

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa! Ugh!

What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene.

(GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that?

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth! So if she wasn't around,

And there was that time I took a whiz in public. And that time I snuck into Wimbledon. Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

They're cutting off his penis in there!

That's why I keep it by the phone. I think what this is, is simple exploitation of the American people who could be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful, like legitimate healthcare that they actually need. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

He just has to take his 12 baths a day.

Well, kids, I'll see you later. Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love.

And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend... - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire?

(ALAN LAUGHS) Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude. Nice to meet you all. (CHUCKLES) You sound like the crab from Little Mermaid. I had crabs once. It's awful. You got to buy that cream that comes with a little comb. Of course I can still use the comb. Well, that's Quagmire. And you know what else?

PETER: Let her go.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

All right, Poligrip, this is where you earn your money. Oh, my. Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough

Look, why don't we talk about this in the morning? I want to finish that book. Sweetie, since when do you wear reading glasses? What? These? I've had these forever. Honey, those aren't real. Sure, they are. No, they're not. I can see the little Austin Powers logo on the side. What are you talking about? These are my glasses. (AUSTIN POWERS THEME PLAYING) AUSTIN POWERS: Yeah, baby!

Stewie. Hello, Janet. How about a push? ahh! Yes. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm...

we thank you for choosing Channel Five as your Armageddon network.

That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where.

Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think.

Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring. But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.

if you're willing to go this far to get a divorce, then maybe we shouldn't be married after all. What... What are you saying? I'm saying, I'll give you your divorce. You're off the hook. Oh! Oh, thank you, Charmese. Thank you so much. (STAMMERS) I can't believe you'd do that for me. Well, it's for me, too.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose.

All right, when I give the signal, we get him! (SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

It's the eye of the tiger it's the thRill of the fight rIsIn' up to the challenge of our rival

Fred, this is not a date! All right, you're all done, Alexis. Well, What do you know? Once again, I finish first. Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car." Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! Oh, my God! NO!

I have to, Peter. For me. I love you all. Aw. Somebody say something. Brian, wait! H-Hold on a second.

We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company

Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre? And then we dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us. SUSIE: Today, I saw a balloon.

Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed. Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

(SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

My time machine has been activated. Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not.

Every time I try to study, the evil monkey comes out of my closet and scares me.

I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best. Well, look who finally got here. (STAMMERING) You beat us?

No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying.

MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes. Haven't even tried to figure out each other's names yet.

Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on!

Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite.

Pearl, do you rent or own? Own what? Those wings, you angel. That was fantastic. That was so incrediblE. So, what do you want for dinner? I was thinking about making us that lamb and rice you love. Well, you know, Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner is, uh, to go out. Brian, you know I can't do that.

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark.

(GRUNTING) Damn it! (EXCLAIMS)

Now, let him go! Okay! Okay! You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee. I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody. I mean, I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you.

No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No!

Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs! Good morning, class.

You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched. (Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff. You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that?

Dad, how did you get Mom out of the house so we could decorate?

Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh? (IMITATES FANFARE)

Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes?

I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs.

Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle. Ow.

he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

What? But, Carol... I'm so sorry, Adam. (SOBBING) (SOBBING) I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car.

I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

As it yields to the sound of your heart beating

An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi! i have an innie.

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream. Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you.

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

What are the stakes of this wager? Why don't you Shut up for about a week. Very well. And if I win? Well, i--I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week? You're on!

Hey, What's going on? There's a little girl down in that well. Oh, my God! Unfortunately, Nobody's arms are long enough to reach her. Except that one guy. But he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree. Tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Stop it! Ho, Ho, Ho. tee, hee! Ho! Ho!

Holy crap. They got a ringer. What the hell? Jerome's on your team? That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store. What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.

Why the hell not?

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt!

Be cool, be quiet, be quiet. All right, well, nothing to worry about.

I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina.

What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter? Dear God, I'm un-teething. Brian, it appears the flow of reverse time is beginning to affect us as well. What does that mean?

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

you know, you know, come on

MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING)

Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you. I don't want to! (GRUMBLING)

Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here?

So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button! (BEEPING) Stewie, no!

Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now? PETER: Right there. Right... I'm having some trouble here. PETER: It's right there! It's right in front of you! FLY: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left!

Hey hey, Slobodan, you made it! I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw.

Guys, Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car! No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat. Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.

Oh, dyin' boy of quahog Chris Griffin, you're so brave There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step as they dig your grave as they dig your grave

Man! Our boy Chris partying with the cool kids. I am a very proud dad right now. And look at that Connie. Jesus Christ! I bet that thing's so tight you've gotta call the city to get in there. (SOBBING) Meg, sweetheart, why don't you just go downstairs and join the party?

Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer. Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today.

Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

Okay, that was good. That was good. Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take.

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS) (GROWLING)

Well, we're looking for this child using all the latest technology, including the newest, most advanced multimedia milk cartons. Help me! I'm missing! Help! Why are you still eating breakfast? I'm kidnapped! Why are you turning me the other way? I'm still here!

Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in.

You misunderstand. I did not buy you to be my slave. I bought you for my son, and not to be his slave, but to be his wife. Wife? Faisal! This is Faisal, my son and the heir to my throne.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey, I'll be right back. I got to go to the bathroom. Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

Look at me. Look at me. I'm smoking. Dog! Dog, look! look! You know, Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing-- Shut up. The dog just told me to shut up. I demand to know what you plan to do about this.

You have crappy judgment anyway. Oh, This is intolerable! This foolishness is preventing me from completing work on... Egads! The blueprints for my time machine! Those are for my eyes only! Thank you. Look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy. no!

I totally called him on it.

You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone. Come on, let's go out dancing. I don't know. I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow. I just really want to go dance. There it is again, what is that?

From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family!

I'll show you filthy!

Oh, fuck! There it is. Hey, you know what else would be great? Why don't you put check marks next to scenes you like? Well, I don't have a... Here's a pen. You know, I'll just leave it for you right here. Okay. Thank you, Brian. Hey, you know what I'll do to make it even easier? I'll just go ahead and place this in your hand.

W-where--Where are the bags? What the deuce do you mean? They're right... Rupert! I told you to watch the bags! You were watching the boys again, weren't you? It's that steward, isn't it? The one who looks like Tab Hunter! Oh, forget it! Let's just get on the bloody plane and go home! Our tickets were in the bags!

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris.

The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. I tried everything to get the stain out. What about lemon juice? Oh, What about club soda? What about shutting the hell up?

And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.

In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up.

Now everyone's doing the Charleston. Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey. Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins. Well, if you can't beat them... (AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

I mean, if you can't move, it's over. I love you, too, honey. Let's go home.

(GASPING) A ghost!

Peter, what's the matter with you? Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe? You don't admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them. When did it become ok to be handicapped? Don't talk like that! He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him! Fine. Then why don't you all marry him? And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this.

This is a very safe procedure, son. You won't feel a thing.

That was amazing. I've never seen a bad show at the Marriott. Oh, my God! They're all falling for this insanity. I'm sensing a black guy over here. Is there a black guy? Me! I'm a black guy. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Yes, good, good. I'm sensing your infant daughter has earrings. He's right. She does.

I got a great idea! This" really scare them. Everybody set? - Check! - Check! Sock it to me! MAYOR: If we had a teacup, this'd be like playing...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're in college? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're my new college roommate? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We're gonna be living together? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In the same dorm? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) For the whole year? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick?

Oh, My God! Are you Stephen King? No. I'm Dean Koontz. Oh. ugh! Ugh!

But I'm being serious here, Peter.

I can hear you. I'm not deaf.

I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection.

Well, there once were two cowboys All alone out on the trail And they discovered they could sleep With another male Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex

Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

(SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.

ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's fun to pretend.

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Tonight I sleep alone

Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail? No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass! Yeah? Well, That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseaseS!

Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face.

WEll, fraSier, You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa. Huh. This is the smartest show on T.V. Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no penis!

Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM.

COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats! As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.

Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms.

ls Peter here? I want to re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out. Hey, Wheat Thins! Take your top off. f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning.

Hmm. Oh, The Phillies won.

What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes...

H-hey, You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there. That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found, everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. But What I did was wrong. And As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain.

Oh, I dropped my watch.

Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you.

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world! So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up.

Your brother's ok.

I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line. I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife.

All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney. Allison Janney?

Thank you very M...

Your father's utterly lost interest.

No. It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time. But she's my favorite. Oh, my God. Are you crying? Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero! I love her so, so much! And this is the only time she's gonna be in town! And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me? No.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?

I peed and pooped.

Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery.

Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

How can I even think about trying anything? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

Watch this. Are you watching?

Uh-oh, foot odor. I have to go. I have, uh, terrible foot odor.

I see. Your silence says it all.

That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done Quiet, everybody, this is it.

What isn't a word? "Bonerific." (ALL LAUGHING) Didn't I tell you? You can't keep this guy from saying it.

That's it, Lois, you're fired.

(LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it!

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons.

Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet.

right after Pretend Not to Notice People's Race Day.

Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley.

Face it, Mom. No matter what I wear, I look ugly. Meg, you're being.... That's.... Let's try down here. Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave. But first, let's go to the Ouahog Mega-Mall... where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa...

I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it? I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with. Can I have some of your hair? " guess so. Great. Thanks. All right, hold still now. You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss.

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again. Who ate all the pecan sandies?

Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher? It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment! What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored?

Getting to the top, ahead of you, is gonna be one of the greatest moments of my life. It might even beat graduating from chiropractor school. Robert Baker.

Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

Well, I don't like your cooking.

Goodbye? Where are you going? As of today, I'm stepping down as mayor and leaving Quahog forever. Because of Carol? That's right. I've decided to move to Alaska and become an Eskimo. Alaska? But that's so far away!

Hey, hi. I'm Private Stewie and this is Private Brian. We both got shot in the foot, so we figured an honorable discharge would be in order. And you could just send us back to the States. Getting shot doesn't get you out of here anymore. What? Yeah, we take whatever we can get. I mean, we got two dead guys guarding the ammunition.

All right. (QUAGMIRE UNZIPS PANTS) (QUAGMIRE GETS SLAPPED) (QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS) Why do you say "organist" if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore. Here be a jaunty sea shanty from me boyhood. You shake me nerves and you rattle me brain

Its effects will become apparent shortly. (CHIRPING)

You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree.

So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter! Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare.

I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP!

Boy, he must be starving. Yep, he's really chowing down. Hey, how's the food, Stewie? (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Blimey, it's right delicious, I do declare. Brian, have you decided who's gonna star in your show? Well, it's a tough role.

I said, "May I have a blanket?"

Too much play We went dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin' across the USA Dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin'

Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow! Hey, JoE! The van's gone! NO, no. It's got a cloaking device that disguises it as 2 homeless guys fighting over a wedge of cheese.

You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this.

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

(CRASHING) Peter, what the hell! My car. (CHATTERING) Oh, damn it! Hey, hey, come back. (SPEAKING CANTONESE) (SPEAKING THAI) Sorry, Quagmire. How the hell am I supposed to get to the airport? I got to fly a plane in 20 minutes.

Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Done! Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool.

Here's your martini, ma'am. Thanks. It's gone! I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one. What the hell is going on here? Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive. Did you bring enough breasts for the rest of the class?

- Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. How can you be bored? This convention has everything. You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane!

Welcome back to Diane!

Your mom's a whore!

All right! Raise some hell!

KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom. ...1940s roller skate left in the hall. ...death by chocolate... No, no, leave it in.

I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live. They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check.

the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing. Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival.

Hey, LaDawn. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah. Just me, Stewie. Just being myself. Yeah. Well, this here? It's just my package. Just my package. God delivered it, I signed for it. World keeps on spinning. Yeah.

Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

All right, all right. Listen, I got another idea. What ifl sold you my daughter? You drop the tab, and your son can have Meg. MEG: What?

- Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido. What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity.

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!

Brian, I am very disappointed in you! I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend.

Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois? Chemistry class? Freshman year? Joycie? You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong? Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney. You ruined my adolescence, Lois. You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me,

Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. (SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.

All right, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there is something else down there in the bottom of the sea. Something that you will be able to relate to. There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

No! No! I reject the premise of this!

and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, ok? Now make it stop. Peter, This is the final plague!

Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts. f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME)

Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people! Look, Why don't you just hang back and stretch?

Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has to take a poop right just now. (ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.

30 minutes before ship re-expansion.

I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings

I'll show you. Let's do it. Good One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three One, two, three (BOTH SINGING) La-la-la-la-la-la - You see? It's easy.

Okay, look, I'm happy to do that. (STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just... Look, what I was saying... Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

Just let him do it. Let him do the tape. MAN: Talking chicken. Don't blame me. It was the chicken. He was... Oh, no, no, no. Actually, no. You know what would be better? Hey, wait, wait. Just walk out like this. I just... Look... I just come out like this, but just, like, all serious. Like this totally, like, completely serious. - Like... Like I don't even know I'm wearing them. - MAN: Oh, man! Death. Death to America.

Oh, Peter! I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches. Gross!

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party!

Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

I know what you're thinkiNG.

He got us again! This whole thing just shows that women are nothing but trouble! You said it! Let's you and me swear off them for good! And how!

A flautist, Peter!

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois. Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages! mm-hmm.

(ECHOING) What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING) Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy. Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth?

Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you. What are you doing? Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding. No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you.

(ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail! After him!

Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success. Please Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins. Oh, No, I learned my lesson. Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry!

Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

ahh! No! Don't!

It's a soccer horn. I know what it is!

Now we just gotta think of some wicked funny stuff for him to say. Peter, the director decides whether or not to add a character. You're the producer, remember? Well, What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with 'em? 'Cause that's what soap is for, Lois. Good producers put their ideas to work outside the theater.

God knows who she might hirE. So the square of the hypotenuse, which we will label C, making the sides opposite both of the acute angles A and B Will always equal the sum of the squares of the other sides. Any questions? It's just something I have to do.

You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap. Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world.

(NATIVES YELLING) (GUN SHOTS) (WOMAN SHRIEKS)

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!"

What did you just call me? I--i--I thought that was your name. That is our word! You've got no right using it! Hey--hey--hey, I'm cool. I'm cool. No problem. Could--Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? Thank you.

All right, guys, it's gonna be a long night of border patrol,

followed by My Nose! A ha! Hold my purse!

So, tell me, is there any tread left on the tires at all?

The hell with you guys.

Peter, What are you doing? I spent hours soldering that costume for you. I don't need it anymore, Lois. I quit the team. Quit the team? But You can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were-- D-d-Did you just say "big meet"?

And today we're going to learn to use the potty. Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank? I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve. Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.

Aw, l-l-Let's cut! All right, y-y-You're sleeping with which producer? God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost! It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Not all dogs go to heaven. So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)

You disgust me! Oink oink, fatty!

Take two of these and call us in the morning.

Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse.

Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews.

I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois. Peter, it's me.

- (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening?

Welcome to Disabled Ladies Night. Mine are made from teak. What are yours made from? Yeah, mine are actually just pressboard with wood veneer. - I can't get wet. - Oh. I think I see my friends.

- Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe. Yeah. Nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good.

Hey, can you reach the Crispix?

But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.

But still, this house is freakin' sweet

Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment. Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on. This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here. A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane.

Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth!

(SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I...

Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line.

(MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

Ah, You damn kids with your music.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Brian, don't you know about the bird? Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, surfin'...

He's a bigger mooch than the Mexican Super Friends. Hey, Mexican Superman, can I talk to you for a sec? When you signed the lease, you said there was gonna be, like, five of you living here. Oh, no, they're not all living here. They're just visiting.

(SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone?

I have a very tough time standing up in the car. Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together. I wonder where we're going. Calm down! I'll tell you what were going to do. Wherever this van stops, we'll begin a new life together. We'll blend in to the fabric of that community.

I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm? I'll just pop it back in. You most certainly will not. I need to go to a hospital. LOIS: Brian, is Stewie in there with you? Mom! We're in here, Lois. He's napping. Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in.

Okay, listen up. everybody. I got great news.

STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there.

Shut the fuck up.

Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over. Stop breathing on the window. You idiot, that's condensation. It's on the outside. That's it! I will come back there and, so help me God, I will hit you with my ring hand.

Consuela, we're leaving.

A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi!

And that's why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees,

Look at her staring. What are you looking at, huh? God, I should take her out right here with these, man. Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? (EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass.

Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? Pre-op. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off!

You know, I love you girLS.

You know, Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing-- Shut up. The dog just told me to shut up.

For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir! Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but... Mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.

(SNIFFING) - Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint. - What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! (STEWIE SCREAMING) Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party.

Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now.

I can't believe they took the kids away. Sorry you have to share a bed, boys. I'm a little short on space. Have a good sleep. Hey, Chris... whatever happened to Geena Davis?

During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that! Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock.

Than it really is when you actually stand back And examine it with some objectivity Amen PRIEST: Please be seated. Let me remind you all that this Saturday at 5:00 pm,

Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot!

(SHANIA TWAIN PLAYING YOU'RE STILL THE ONE ) (HORN HONKING)

(HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy.

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING) Dr. Hartman, this was just too close a call. Next time, we could be too late.

What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you. Your potato joke was terrible.

All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them! Peter, what are you doing? Just--Just stall them, Lois! hA! Ha! Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body.

The new bowler For sommerset is our spinner Heath Who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on 2 short legs. What the hell is he talking about? Oh, It's cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases,

- Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then. - Don't know any better. - Bless your heart. Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded. You're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

Ow! There's a rock right there!

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table.

Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll? Well, I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound. My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that. Ladies and gentlemen, in his first public appearance ever, Pawtucket Pat!

Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time!

"Chapter One. "Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick. "She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish." Oh, yeah. Getting hot in here.

- Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you.

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party.

The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen. Really? Oh boy, that's a relief. Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!

You're out of the semicircle!

Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary. What'd I miss?

No, Luke, don't run downhill!

Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here. All right, then, it's settled. I'm gonna do this.

Lois, I am doing this for the bathroom. And I'm not giving up on my dream, like I did with that indoor hot-air balloon. PETER: And away we go.

What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING) Meg, that was awesome. On the road again

Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this?

Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS. Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this.

Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now.

Nicole, I'm back from filming the third

We are going on a road trip. We don't know how long we'll be gone,

I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch

"Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!"

Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?

Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.

(WINCING) (GROANING)

Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn. You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that!

John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody. (SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC)

I don't have one pair of long pants. Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek. I wonder if she's thinking about me. I don't know. Are you a pony or the color blue? (LAUGHING) Derek, look! Ha, how do you like that?

So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It's--It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! Bam!

I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal? Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water.

Yellow cake uranium Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.

Who knows? That's the fun. Brian, what is this on my shoe? My poop. That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learned to use the toilet like everyone else. I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze. (SNEEZES) (SCREAMING)

Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

I don't even have business cards. None of us do.

Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING) Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.

Quagmire? Now, this is neat. These people have put an old-fashioned Colonial spinning wheel in the center of their living room, as furniture. Oh, that's what I want in my house.

DISC JOCKEY: Hey, how about this brand new thing called rock and roll? Even though it was just invented, we already remember it fondly. Here's Little Richard with Piano Riff Woo. (PIANO PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC) Woo! Woo! Woo!

Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I. And me, I find that hilarious. Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines. Grape Soda Today, Orange Soda Quarterly, The Fruit Punch Reader. Hey, what you got there, Stewie? Ooh! Mustache Aficionado.

He 's retarded Peter is He 's retarded Peter is He 's retarded Peter is slow

Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter. Nice going. This dinner was a disaster.

(MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Nino!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money!

Walk right in Sit right down Stewie's gonna make you the fool Peter, here's your invite. Chris, Meg, Stewie and me. Probably one more in there. No. Doesn't look like... Oh, yeah. Here it is. Brian. Oh, no. Wait. It's for B. Ryan.

But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there's only one guy to blame

Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell!

Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban for your approval. Excellent. This is so important, I'm going to sign it with all capital letters. It's going to say, "ADAM WEST." That's what it's going to say, you'll see.

Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN.

Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Say, Do you ever get lonely?

but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter.

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

There's no time, Lois. I got to go warn Quagmire while I got the chance. Quick, to the Peter copter! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell?

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look.

NARRATOR: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Superman.

Just to let him have his moment. Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks. NARRATOR: A solitary killer, the fire truck stalks its prey.

NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.

Peter, put me down. I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?

Oh, there's no other cops here. But we do know one thing, this kid was murdered. - (ALL GASP) - Murdered? Who in the world would want to kill a camper? JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me. And it looks like there are signs of trauma around the throat.

STEWIE: Fuck you.

(GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again.

...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled!

But how about global warming? It's a snow job By Obama and his crew But aren't all his findings Backed by science? Careful, Lois, now you're sounding like a Jew

Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?

Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

Well, yes and no. We'll put him on a kidney transplant list, but that could take months. Until a donor is found, he's gonna have to undergo dialysis treatments three times a week. Dialysis? Is there any other way? Yes, there is. No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. We'll do the dialysis.

he's A family Guy Peter, You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there. Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise.

But The real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey.

But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh! It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

I know. I can't believe we're a Nielsen family. I never get picked for anything. (GUNSHOTS) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (GUNSHOT) (GRUNTS)

Are you running away? Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing!

Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.

(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you?

And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me. And I want to thank you

Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your mogwai after midnight. Peter, didn't the little Chinese man tell you not to feed him after midnight? Oh, come on, Lois. He's so cute and he's hungry. What could happen? Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.

You know nothing of Hollywood and its ways. But, Father, I have dreams, and courage, and the name of an excellent cosmetic surgeon. Fear not. Someday word will reach you about the success of me, the great Eskimo actor, Jennifer Love Hewitt!