comb.io - Clips

Do you have any crucifixes I can borrow? Preferably one without the little fellow on it? Oh, of course. There's one in the den. Help yourself. God, I'm sick of Mort always borrowing our stuff.

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES)

Can you talk to that angry little boy down by the river bank? Uh... Yeah, sure. Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs.

Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? Just one! You! I'm just kidding. But French toast, please. Oh, Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife!

Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good. Prosecutor, call your first witness. Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter. Really? Well, that is interesting. Yes, and as a favor to the court,

All right, on the way back, I get to pick the radio station, because that was awful. I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry. Oh, God, I just... I hope Glenn's okay. I'm so worried about him. Shut up and limp! We're in a handicapped spot, you slut!

Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. All right, you did good. Going to take her to Walt's Roast Beef. All right, kids, we got 200,000 lottery tickets we got to check. All right, how do you want to do this? A static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over-explains what we're doing? Um, that second one sounds like it could be funny.

We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

No, but you got to take advantage of this. Seize your moment. Like the duck Founding Father. Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights, but I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air. All in favor? ALL: Aye. Opposed? (DUCK SQUAWKS) The motion carries.

Well, how do you feel? I don't know. I don't feel any different. Well, why don't you try insulting me? Yeah, okay. Sometimes you chase helicopters. That's kind of lame. Yeah. Um...

Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing?

Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

All right, now, We're gonna use a fan brush here. And, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green. And We're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you!

I said turn us around! Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is Turn it upside down Take it back to Bespin

Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love to keep away the cold I goT--

(GROANS) Hello, Griffin. Mr. Pewterschmidt? Hey, how you been? Not good. I'm sorry to hear that. Wow! A limo, huh?

So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House. Here's your breakfast, Lois. Thank you, Mom.

Holy crap, this is awesome. I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that marathon. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it? I'll tell you, Bob. I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.

Oh. Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show, Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron. Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you, even in the worst of times. No, thanks.

One, one, two, five. Those are the last four numbers.

I like her, but we're not really connecting. How long has it been? About 10 months. And how often do you see each other?

Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying! Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car.

That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually... It's kind of a funny story. What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

Sorry. And every other school we've tried just doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris. Well, there is one other option. Daddy, there's something I need you to do for me.

(SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING) (GROANS)

(GRUNTS) All right, who's ready for a campfire song, huh? Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame. It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes

Come on, let's get out of here. All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb... (SHUSHING) Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. - Does he have a wife? - Yeah.

Humped him for two hours yesterday.

(AFRICA PLAYING) Boy, I haven't heard this song in a long time. Police! What's going on? Bonnie? Joe? What are you doing here? I'm here with Lois. What are you doing here? I got a call. Is that... Is that Africa by Toto?

Well, Kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.

Dear me, it's almost 3:00. I've got to get this shipment of sugar cane, tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end. That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag.

It's strong and it's sudden And it's cruel sometimes But it might just save your life... That's the power of love Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table?

Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night.

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you. Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period. This court will now come to ordER. Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies.

I can't believe I'm back at the horse. I had many drinks last night and I was so hung out this morning. Me, too, friend. I was blowing chinks like crazy.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?

(SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it! Well, great, I should probably get some sleep.

Whoa! Aah! Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy.

I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep? He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would you like that, sweetie? No, my pants just got shorter 'cause I hated the idea.

Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver, and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life. Don't you understand? I lost the perp! I lost the perp!

Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going? I'm.... I'm hitting that.

I already started writing the ticket. You know, I make your annual salary in a week. Are you happy doing what you're doing? 'Cause you're pathetic. (SIGHS)

(SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

(CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered!

Man, you're more of a letdown than Fruit Stripe Gum. Hmm! Aw!

Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what, I just... I hope I didn't hurt you because I'd feel terrible about that. No, no, no. I'm all right.

(SNIFFING) Peter! You just crapped all over the bed! When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this! Never gonna give, never gonna give

Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What?

It's time we ditched the W.B.

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

For somethin' that he never done Quiet, everybody, this is it. The McBurgertown franchise suffered a publicity setback today from which it may not recover, thanks to testimony regarding its practices by a very brave cow.

It was his day off, too. That is just what I was going to... His day off... That is just what I was going to say. You know, you are a catch, young lady. You know that? I don't know when the hell Brian is going to open his eyes and get serious with you. (SIGHS) I really wish he would. It'd be so great if we were at least living together.

Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!

(SNORING) (SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you.

Guys, we are gonna plan a robbery. (DOORBELL RINGS) (DRUNKENLY) Hey, hey, that's the guy. That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls.

except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie.

Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward. Um, okay. So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING)

That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things live forever. Maybe you boys will get it together someday,

What do you figure, just a few days? Man, who knows? It's just so good to be out of there. Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you. I mean, what is going on with this country? I mean, wake up, America. I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right? About the taxes? You know? Yeah, taxes are pretty high. Is that a new coffee machine?

Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure.

We're too late! Oh, my God.

Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Please, just give me another chance. Gosh! He doesn't look so good. I know. But you do. You know, I get off at 4:00. I might just be up for a movie.

With the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus. Using the lake as a base.

I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What?

If I die, leave two dollars' worth of flowers right here.

Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

This is no cave. What?

What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom. Isn't he great? No, he's weird.

Girl? Girl. Oh, no! The egg that I was supposed to take care of for my high school project! Mr. Burke was right. I'm not ready to be a parent. Wait a minute. I'm not in high school anymore. Maybe this is all a dream. Aah! It was a dream!

(SIGHS) Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.

With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie. Joe, you've got to accept your limitations. Why don't you just ask me to lay down and die? I can't live like this anymore! That's it! That's not how it happened! It was my ideA!

PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin.

We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go. Just go and start a business. (SLURRING) You know, I never... I never told anyone this, but you're so good at cursive.

Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.

Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!"

Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard. This is it, Brian. My plan for world domination is about to come to fruition.

Not about kicking your fat ass! Boys, please. You used to be so close. Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together. Wow. We just finished off what was left in the kitchen.

Peter-- W-w-Wait. Watch this. Hey, Jambi! Ok, say it. Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much. Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me.

Running, throwing, lifting big things. Teslik. That's all right with me, man. ANNOUNCER: Each shoe sold separate.

Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

Look, Quagmire, we're only gonna be in Martha's Vineyard for a couple days. Can't you just watch the kids? Man, you're more of a letdown than Fruit Stripe Gum. Hmm! Aw!

You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous. Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius. Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this.

They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then.

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING) Dr. Hartman, this was just too close a call. Next time, we could be too late.

Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that?

Go away. Go away, you.

Tom, I don't think the government was requiring you to wear a suit. Well, they were stopping me from punching you in the face. Is that what you want? No, you know what? You know what? Give me your wallet. What? You heard me. I said, "Give me your wallet." This is a crappy wallet. You have bad stuff.

All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600. And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. Uh, give me the one free week of maid service. And, uh, I'll take the hat rack. Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.

That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing? I was hungry. You want one? You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.

All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

Wait. Dad, before you go, can you say, "Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System?" Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System. (SIGHING) Thanks.

Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha.

Oh, my God! You're Jason Mraz! No, I'm not. I'm just some guy with a hat. Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is!

No, this is what Bob Barker's been talking about all these years. Go on! Get! Get out of here, weird boner dog!

Right this way, everyone. Bless you for helping us, Father. It's God's wish, my dear. All right!

PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while? Ok, who's hungry? Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?

Ok, you dirtbags! This means war!

They're-- They're-- They're cracking...

This is like the trivia thing before the movie where they got, like, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that. QUAGMIRE: Tim Honks from The Money Pot? Yeah, that's right, yeah. So can you help me? QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, find a hot girl and touch her. I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting.

Had a bit of a row with a fellow in the steam room. You don't say! Gave him a cauliflower ear. Bully!

So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods?

My God, you know what this means? You're all accessories to my escape. She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right. I have a very tough time standing up in the car. Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together. I wonder where we're going. Calm down!

See? Boom! Right there! I told you! This is where Santa Claus lives! In your face! I don't believe it. It's here. Damn right, it's here! Now, while you think about the fact that you're never going to enjoy a nocturnal breast-feeding from Lois, I shall open the gate.

Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing?

Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool.

Wait a minute, something did happen last night. Look, it's not that big a deal, all right? We just... We just made out a little. (EXCLAIMING) Tell me about it. Go! It didn't mean anything. I had a few too many and... It's not even worth going into.

Yes, but she was unconscious!

That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie. All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody. I pretty much just threw myself at Lois.

Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where? To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming!

I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online.

But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game. The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube. Comments ranged from sympathy all the way to racial slurs directed at others who chose to comment. Great, I'm a laughingstock. What do I do? Come on, Quagmire. It's not so bad. You could kill yourself.

BRIAN: Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. BRIAN: I don't work here. Then I'll have you killed. BRIAN: I want to die. I hated that guy back there.

PETER: We are all-powerful! Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. Silence! We demand obedience! Or else! Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though.

Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance. Volcano insurance? That's ridiculous. Oh, That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance.

Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert. Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no T.V.? So He failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19. Peter, I want you to help Chris.

This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...

It's not prostitution.

All right, there's the checkpoint. If we can get past it, we're out of occupied Poland. Right. Mort, you all set? Oh, God, I hope this works. Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now,

Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no!

I am a Nielsen god.

DIRECTOR: Okay, cut. Neil Armstrong. Wait a minute. You're supposed to be on the moon. I just saw it on TV. There's a...tape delay. And solar winds....

that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time. And where would I fit in with the fun time? Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird.

'cause that's where the evil monkey lives. Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

MAN: Everyone's special, Peter. Rock drummer Tommy Lee! And if your wife ever tells you that you're not special, punch her really hard right in her hepatitis. Thanks, rock drummer Tommy Lee! Hey, and you know what else is cool? Having sex with sunglasses on. I've got a lot of things to try now!

It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right. Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me. Sweetie, you really gotta... Looks like David Tua. You've really got to stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves. Well, you know what will ease your stress?

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois.

"A parent giving porno to their kid "is a terrible thing. "but I'm here to tell you that I'm innocent!" Oh, yeah. Right. "I didn't give those magazines to my son. "My wife... "My--my--My wife... Lois..."

The port is quite good. Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed. Is it raining again? Hey, Did you hear the one about us?

Today we're going to learn about the letter "T." I've got something to say, Mother Maggie. You do? Well, maybe that can wait till later, Mary. No, I think this needs to come out now. You see, I didn't move to Jolly Farm from the big city to be around animals.

Cleveland's old house. Perfect! Damn, no toilet paper. - Hey, Joe, can I borrow this? - JOE: Sure.

What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work. It created an evil clone of me. That's why I didn't feel more evil. All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied. If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being,

Okay, what else do we got? Well, we got these hot peppers but you can't really eat them.

I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, ifl could... I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people... for a pre-determined period of time...

Muriel? Muriel? Muriel! (SNIFFS) Nothing. You actually know what she smells like?

Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation. We saw Reality Bites together. (GRUNTS) You guys, I found him! He went that way! (GRUNTS)

- That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe. Hi. Mommy, I want to play with the new human!

ALL: Ew! I farted during the murmuring. What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar. Oh, for God's sake!

That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad.

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this. Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast?

(SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) I don't know what you want! I don't know how to help!

Why don't you get a lap dance, Mr. Pewterschmidt? No, Peter's crippled friend, I think I'm just gonna leave. This was a stupid idea. Oh, come on, you just gotta relax and cut loose, like those foreign guys over there. I can't believe I'm back at the horse. I had many drinks last night and I was so hung out this morning. Me, too, friend. I was blowing chinks like crazy.

I wonder what else I've repressed?

And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost! Come on, everybody. Let's sing a song. - Oh, Ah, - AH! Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot left foot, right foot

Okay, guys, listen up. This is a very flammable mixture that's also undetectable. If we put it on the electric box and two of the outlets, then light them all at once, it'll look like a short circuit. Geez, Mort, how the hell do you know how to do all this? Well, there's a whole section of the Torah dedicated to burning down your business.

"anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL." BOTH: Oh! Oh! Oh! No, no, no, come on, now, come on. Jeez, it's just pages and pages of stuff about this Kent guy. She's really obsessed with him. Well, obsession's not such a bad thing. It got us the first printing press. You're a whore, Sheila, and I'm gonna make sure everybody knows it!

Thank you. Oh, she's a deAR. Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain.

Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls. (OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.

Yeah. My dogs are barking.

Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for?

Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

Get off my plane!

What? Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party. Hey, Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here! How you doing, honeY? Welcome to the Historical Society Auction. Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. We'll start the bidding at $140,000. What a marvelous vessel.

Oh, My God! I did. Oh, We almost missed that one. I know. That was a close one. But I'm being serious here, Peter. We were all set to come see you joust today.

Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama! Um... You know something, Brian?

What does that spell? Dust Mites! Who's gonna win this game? Dust Mites!

Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob.

There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie!

Get off the stage!

(ALL CHEERING WILDLY) Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad.

10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter!

Look, Angela, I came over here to punch you and maybe kick you in the boob, but now I'm all turned around. Angela? Angela? Right here. Oh. But now all I want to do is help you out.

All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, We've had a lot of laughs tonight. But I'll tell you what's not funny. Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind the curtain of the V.I.P. room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone.

Now play Handel. Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge.

You were masturbating when I came in.

I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now. CELL PHONE RINGER: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right? Really? Well, how many library assistants did they pick?

Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris. Thank you so much. You've been very understanding.

reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope She's gonna breathe on it first wipe it on her blouse She takes a bite, chews it once

No, Gina. I'm not. You're not? No. There's something about him. He's not like the other guys. I actually really like him. You do? Yeah. In fact, I'm going to his house for dinner tonight so I can meet his parents. Wow! Connie D'Amico is coming to my house for dinner!

Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future.

Oh, GoD! Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe. i just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner at Cheesie Charlie's. Why Cheesie Charlie's? It's cool, Dad.

Well, if you turn on Channel 14, we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

This is ridiculous. Evil Stewie could be anywhere. You know, this really is all your fault. If you hadn't told me I was going soft, I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

(SLURRING) Okay, so here's the game. I'm... I'm drunk and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids. Oh, Dad, do we have to... Ow! Don't cry! Don't cry! Game's over if you cry. (SLURRING) I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this.

Well, Rudolph, We finally figured out what makes your nose red. Is it pixie dust or-- or leprechaun tails? No, it's a tumor. You mean like a magical Christmas tumor? No. A malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain. Oh. Like a happy, special--

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what, the real storm's in here. Okay. The emotional storm. Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's... Come here, come here.

(SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

(SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that. Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank. You know, you don't... You don't deserve... You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian.

Where have you been? Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job. Dropped some pepperoni on there.

I'll come with you. No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.

(WOMEN GASP) What have you done? I painted the truth. I painted my truth. Give me a spin, sweetie. What do you think, Mom? Is that the most beautiful bride you've ever seen? I love it!

And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.

Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner. Well, that sounds lovely. Ah. That was delicious. You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside, isn't that funny? Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. We had reservations at another place and they...

Is Lady Gaga a douche?

Hey, guys, watch your step in there. That floor's gonna be dripping in virgin olive oil. - That's kind of hot. - Gross. Hello, we are the three wise men. We came here following a star. Those two statements contradict each other. We also come bearing gifts. I brought frankincense. I brought myrrh. And I brought you a breast pump,

You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not. Thanks for everything, Monkey. You made me realize how much Chris really means to me. And how I should always remember not to take him for granted.

Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

(SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out. I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me! - Well, how... Can you get up? - I'll try.

Oh, my God, I told you!

Well, we have the kidnapper's voice on tape, remember? MAN: Drakkar Noir. I can use the voice recognition software in this recorder to confirm a match. Now, here. Take this briefcase. We're Eastern European cologne salesmen. We ask them what they want, and when they say Drakkar Noir, which they all will, we'll know if we have our man.

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible!

DISC JOCKEY: Hey, how about this brand new thing called rock and roll? Even though it was just invented, we already remember it fondly. Here's Little Richard with Piano Riff Woo. (PIANO PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC) Woo! Woo! Woo!

Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?

(LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here! - What are you doing? - I'm reading.

Give me all your money! Okay, okay! You have a white wallet? Yeah, just like Truman Capote. Who's Truman Capote? What a surprise! The mugger's never heard of Truman Capote. There's a library card in there! Use it!

And just for that, I'm going to help you out here. (CARTER SCREAMING) That's the power of "please," kids.

Need to know summat. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot? This is not fair. Okay. And again, I'm gonna ask one more question, and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis? Yes. Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now If you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings. Come on. Give him a little more time. All right! All right! You've got 3 days to earn a badge! 3 days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going!

Now, about that sedan... (EXCLAIMS) Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game. We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot. Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank.

Look, we should be sticking to the facts, not stereotypes. It's unfair to say that all politicians are liars, therefore Mayor West is guilty. Brian's right.

lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me?

TELLER: It's the law, sir. Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

I think we know who the flip-flopper is.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side.

Mom, it's been three months. When is Dad gonna get better? Chris, I've already explained this to you. Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover. PETER: Lois! Bring me another beer, please!

Hey, look, I found a genie's lamp.

Peter, I don't know how much more I can take. Stewie used to be so independent, but now he just clings to me night and day. I'm exhausted.

This is where I get all serious now. Okay. Death...

All right, new arrivals. There's only one way you're not getting on that train. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass? Yeah, come on over.

Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! No, I'm not! Him. Yeah. He's a real lightweight. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed Just the women! Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married

Wow. Well, what do you think, Floyd? How did Lois Griffin do what no other challenger could do and knock out Deirdre Jackson? I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and wake up. And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight? My Puerto Rican wife got fat.

Oh, that's just feces, urine, rotting plants, dead animals, methane, standing water and diesel exhaust. But that's kind of a mouthful, so, for short, we call it fresh air. Wow, look at us, Brian, frontier people. I feel like those miners who first struck gold in San Francisco. (CLANKING) Oh, my God, we did it! We struck gold!

Now do the theme to The People's Court. (PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

Joe, what the hell is this? Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days the only reason I hung out with you guys is that I was crippled and you were lazy. I decided it's time I got some friends more suited to my status. But, Joe, we've been friends for years. Hey, we all make mistakes.

I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh?

Honey, I'm sorry I got us kicked out of New quahog. I guess nobody really needs guns. I'm not always right, after all. Oh, Peter. Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up. Where are we gonna go? I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham. All right! Fudgie the Whale!

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy!

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

TOM: This is unacceptable!

but I was like, "I can tell you I'm far enough." LOIS: And that's when Chris was born. Gosh, that's all so fascinating. Let me ask you something else. Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about? - Oh, God, yes. - Oh, my God. Quagmire, shut up. We're here.

QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead!

Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then. Oh, no. Brian. That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller. Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? Oh, yeah. He, uh, He left a message. I forgot to tell you. Is it on the machine?

Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time. Here's to our wives.

You won't fire at me, Chris, you don't got the stomach for it. (LAUGHING) I'm sorry, Dad. I have no idea what you're talking about. Well, it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record. If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah.

There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole! (SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count. We have been here for three hours.

Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois, but look on the bright side.

Oh, that's just feces, urine, rotting plants,

Jeez, Another chick flick.

Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool.

Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky and your boobs will get bigger and you'll stop having your period... Wait, how do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say! Peter, this is important.

Yeah. It's an erotic book. I bought it at that sex shop.

and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.

Hey, Brian. Knock, knock. Who's there? (WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together.

You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!

I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL... Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent but you might want to tell Lois the truth.

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money.

Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.

Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter! What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.

Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter.

oh, Peter. Just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying.

(GRUNTS) Look at him in that tank top. He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on match.com. There's no way you're a size six.

Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone

Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote. Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer!

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, my God! You're Robin Williams! Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine!

Something, something, something, complete.

(EXCLAIMS) Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game.

(GROANS) More fan mail. Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us. We're gonna be huge. Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup.

I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues.

Hey. I fucked your dad.

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I hope you know I love you, Dad. Peter, come closer. There's something I need to say to you. I'm here, Dad. What is it?

I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon! Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party. That was awesome! Yeah. I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me.

Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready. Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman? You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam. Are you saying I asked for this to happen?

Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok. He-- Wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em! Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok.

I mean, he's so damn sweet and saccharine and perfect, and he's turning the family into a bunch of douches. Big deal. You always told me I was a douche. Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again. Hi, I'm looking for Glenn? Oh! What happened to your leg?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

Lucky there's a family guy

This man seems bent on diluting the already watered-down significance... of the elevated hand slap. - Hey, Stewie, high five. - Well, it's about time. - Psych. - Damn! I look even more foolish than when I was at that cocktail party. All right, you're gonna love this. So.... Hang on a sec.

Chris, take care of Stewie.

Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING) Oh, hi, Peter. (LAUGHING) Ram her. What? I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but...

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man?

Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going.

JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me.

- (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg. I escaped 'cause I just couldn't bear another second away from you. My God! How did you get out? I filed down a toothbrush to a fine point and stabbed the guard with the most kids. - What? - I'm just kidding. Oh.

Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze. What does this do?

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

"Duh, I'm a dumb cop. I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket." I was going, like, 41.

Victory is ours. Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope! Ahh! Hey Bob, y-you remember the other day, you were asking me what the definition of irony was, and I said-- Ahh!

not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR. Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat! Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat! Dad, nobody gives things away for free. That's not true. I know plenty of people who give things away. Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Free-- I'll take it!

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! And What you've done is a textbook example of insurance... "fraud"! Oh, Bloody hell!

Was that a porno? Hey--hey, Don't worry about it. Sometimes You gotta do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent. Oh, The food here is fantastic. This is where I took Lois on our first date. You ordered a pie for an appetizer? Oh, yeah, Don't worry. I'll go to the john and fire 1 out in about 5 minutes.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards!

And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm!

Dad, this says I gained weight. That's impossible. Take off your shirt. What the hell is that? oh! Bovine lummox! Oh! Oh, God!

I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say, "Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger." Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are? All right? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me. (CHUCKLING) So all we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we'll have our murder weapon, and if we're lucky,

Peter, this all looks very expensive. Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive. I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk, decoys, Lois, decoys!

- Zola Budd... - DAN: Cut! Karina, your line is, "That sounds fun." Well, yes, Dan, but I felt that just because we're on a farm, it doesn't mean we have to be stuck in the 19th century with our value system. Mary needs to stand up for herself. Hmm. Interesting. I suppose we don't really have an outspoken female character on the show.

I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows No stranger to you and me (IMITATING DRUMS)

Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one. Okay, thank you. Did you wash my car like I asked? No, but I hit it with a rock. Okay, thanks. Brian, I think my jaw is falling off.

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Uh-huh. Let me see that panel.

Uh... Lois. You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing? I'm handing you a beer. You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here! That's better!

How long have you lived in Quahog? Well, I used to live in the city, but I decided moving here would be a little more relaxing, a little more manageable, and it's a great way to stay in shape. What do you do for a living? I work in accounts receivable at Quahog Insurance. It's not too demanding, the pay is good, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Well, we should wrap this up.

Oh, Stewie! You're adorable! Yes, Yes. I rather like the sash, But do the Huggies make my ass look big? Peter, come on! You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed.

Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over. Peter, she knows she untied her bikini. Women don't forget those things. Well, will you go over there - and pour a cold drink on her back? No. Will you go over there behind her - and yell, "Fire drill"? No. Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple? All right, fine.

Well, well. Look who it is. Who is it? It's me, Peter. I'm standing right here. This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot. Oh, boy, that whole day was a mess, huh? What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family.

but now I see the world for what it is. I'm a 2nd-class citizen, Lois. Brian, Great news! The City Council agreed to hear your case! You're kidding! If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all. I don't know how to thank you. We're family. This is what we do for each other. Right, Peter?

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him.

What do you mean, I ruined television? You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws.

No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.

I'm standing here surrounded by snowdrifts, stalled cars, and the one douchebag who wears a tank top every time there's a blizzard. Yeah, this is nothin'. Guy at work drank a quart of motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.

All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass. I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name.

Just one more thing. Lois! I need you to take the presents out of the trunk. Aren't you gonna do it? It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night. All? Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family. No. The rest were "from" the family.

(GROWLING PLAYFULLY) "I'm swimming at night 'cause I'm a slut "and now I'm paying the price for it." (PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie. Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh!

It means there's a potential intruder at the front door or one of my pals! Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello!

Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I--

Meg, what's wrong? I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!

And that's when things got bad. (PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty.

"Dear Red, if you've come this far, "maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow.

Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that. Hey, I've already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen.

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

"Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you.

that's incredible!

"Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

(SNEEZES) (GASPS)

Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes Give me the simple life MAN ON TV: We now return to the Sunday afternoon movie, Masturbator and Commander. (KNOCKING) Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us.

Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time. And where would I fit in with the fun time? Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...?

I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

"And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said,

(MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

4 times, stops The wife is thinking takes a long, hard look at Randy 5 times, fat old husband's walking over Let's get the hell outta here.

Hey, you! Pick up that poop.

STEWIE: Why don't you go hump a pile of garbage? All right, here we go. Classic. Uh-oh. (ENGINE STARTS) Ow! (CAR BEEPING) Oh, God! Brian! Brian!

Cinnamon buns are his favorite. Oh, Really? I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns. Good morning, Brian. My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter? Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra.

One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat--

I gotta go put on my face for press interviews. Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone? Oh, sure. (STATIC BUZZING) Thanks.

She can burn in hell for all I care!

I wish there was some way I could have prevented this. It wasn't your fault, Mayor West. There's nothing you could have done.

Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone!

Mom, the game's about to start. Where's Dad? I don't know, Chris. And I'm starting to get worried. I think all this success might be going to his head. Do you know he spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture of Harriet Tubman doing Gwyneth Paltrow? Yeah. Yeah, that is happening for real. Yeah.

- Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING) Ugh. Get a tan.

Well, if we make it to the summit,

My darling dear Lois, may I have this dance? Peter, what are you doing here?

For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country. Oh, you! I can't even express how mad I am at you right now. If it wasn't for you, those planes would've hit the World Trade Center. Brian, what the hell did you do? I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. What did I tell you about altering the past?

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own.

What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires! Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. aah!

(LAUGHING) What a slut.

You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.

It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

Why don't you come to bed, Brian? What do you say we make a little whoopee? Yeah, sure. Why not? (BOTH MOANING) You okay? I'm not hurting you, am I? No, I'm fine. What are you talking about? I just want to make sure you're comfortable. (BOTH MOANING)

- Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

Well, someone should be. I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris. We just don't know what else to do. Well, I think we may have a solution. We have these cats that hang around the school, and we feed them. Why doesn't Chris come in, and we can treat him like one of the cats? Then, in a couple of years, we'll give him a diploma. That doesn't sound like he'll be getting the best education.

Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!

Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward.

Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how... You're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing! Keep playing!

Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those?

(SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill. (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHING) Sorry we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.

(THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish!

Oh! Exhibit B, one semen-covered View-Master (GROANS) with the reel of the Grand Canyon, (WHINES) and a blood-splattered Mr. Potato Head, (WHINES) and these socks you really need. (GROANS)

Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right?

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES)

Bill, how are you? Babs, come over here and say hi to Bill Gates. Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates. Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt. Well, this is a quaint little party you guys are throwing. Hey, Bill, would you help me program my Zune? Oh, wait, I have an iPod, like the rest of the world. Why, you... (GRUNTING) (GROANS)

All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle!

Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright gave it to me. Say, you look like you're pretty down, Peter.

Okay, Peter, I'm off to my book club. You'll babysit Stewie? Only if I can have a Pawsicle. Only if you say it right. Popsicle. Good. And you better be responsible tonight.

If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them. (SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since... (GASPS) You wouldn't! It's up to you, Peter. Either you leave now, or I set up one of your random flashbacks. All right, all right, all right. Okay. Peter, what do you care...

All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner. Oh, no, you're not, Joe. We have a new policy. Can't you read the sign? Peter, what the hell is that all about?

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

Oh, come on, Brian! Don't screw us, Griffin! Yeah, come on, don't screw us, Brian Griffin! Bill, how about thinking up your jeers for a change, huh? (PANTING) Four! Three! Two! Oh, come on, Brian, get up! Time's up! You're pathetic, Griffin! Pathetic!

But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. You bastards!

Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet. "I dropped it at the concert." "The hooker took it." "It's with my other family." That one was true. And let me tell you something, they appreciate me for who I am.

But that's my dad. What's more important to you, your job or your family? And don't pick the obvious one. Oh, hey, guys. I was just catching up on some plunger nipples. Dad... Go on, Meg. What are you waiting for? Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this,

You're filthy. I'm filthy? i'm flithy? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that? Hmm? Aah! How dare you! Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert.

Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well.

- Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman. This is where they edit the show together. Lauren, we got a rough cut of next week's episode. Can you cue that up, Terry? Sure. I need to be, like, fine to be alone. And, like, not even want to date someone.

Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know...

Hi, there, I'm Brian Griffin, and you're listening to The Lunch Hour, serving up food for the mind. Today's entree is politics. What's on your mind today? The governor's budget? Stem cell research? Give us a hot spoonful of your opinion. Okay, we have a question from Quahog. Caller, you're on The Lunch Hour. Can I take your order?

Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig?

Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries.

Wait a sec. Hold the phone. He's going back towards the track. Fellas, this race ain't over yet. (THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over.

Ah, I love summer.

Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation. I do not want you trying to fly that thing. You're not even a trained astronaut. Relax, Lois. Nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles. Now stand back. (ROCKET ROARING) (PETER GIGGLING)

Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? Thank God. You made the right choice, honey.

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.

Great party, Griff. Girls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks. Oh! I meant, have a Cheese Doodle. But... whatever. It's a party.

I wasn't working out, so I must not have been nervous. I was very pleased and surprised. I really was not expecting an open bar. Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

family guy Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Peter, for Best Picture, you wrote Wild Hogs. Lois, "Four guys from the suburbs hit the road, "and the road hit back." (LAUGHS) Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie. Blades of Glory. "Kick some ice." Entrapment. "The trap is set." RV.

Hi there, everybody. You know, my Aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. What the fuck?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter.

Gotta give it up

He's a family guy

Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food.

Lois, when are you going to get that baby baptized? Oh, God, not this again. Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you? Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.

What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude.

And protect us from those who laugh at our buggies or our hats. And deliver us from mustaches. Amen. Hey, Ezekiel? You must be Mr. Griffin. Look, I know you guys are busy with your barn raising and all, but, uh, you know, I just wanted to tell you how much my daughter Meg loves your boy Eli.

Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle.

Tom, I'm standing here with Stephen Hawking,

(ALL CLEARING THROATS SOFTLY)

MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation. Ellen, there 's moisture on the outside of m y glass. 4t's condensation, Johnny. But what about the fog on the windows? It's not fog, Johnny. ft, too, is called condensation.

Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.

What seems to be the problem? No, it's my husband. Well, you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television. Now, get out. Please, Doctor, you've got to help him. You took an oath when you went to medical school. I took a lot of things when I went to medical school. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this. Hello? Ah, Hartman.

And that's pretty much all there is to it. Yeah, It's hard, jagged, and tastes like alcohol. Just like kissing Faye Dunaway. Easy now.

PETER: ...the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Brian? Yeah? I don't feel so good. All right, that's it. We got to do something about this. We have got to get that record and destroy it. Just like that fat-person surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms.

Microphone? He's wearing a wire.

I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual,

Oh, I am so grounded.

That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill.

How do these jeans look?

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning.

looks like we made it Brian, right on time. I like that. Come in. So, ready? Ready to shoot your first scene? I sure am. Where's the set? 2nd door on your left.

Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!

Do not go until I wave my flag. I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED! Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon?

So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men.

(SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool. Oh, my God. Totally. I love the color. Really? What color is it? It's like blue, kind of blue-green. It's the same color as his eyes. Wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it.

Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him.

Attention, everyone. The plane is sinking, so I need you all to proceed onto the floating slide. PETER: Dear airplane people, I owe you one floating slide. And just so you know, the guy stewardess was angry gay, not happy gay. What does it say? Nothing. Just instructions and stuff.

In fact, you're mentally retarded. Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy...

Yeah, you slut. Doth the magistrate know what you're doing tonight? Good. Now, undo the top six buttons of your 100-button shoes. Wow, Meg, you look nice. You got a date?

No one in this town will hire you. Oh, yeah?

That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own.

Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you,

That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend. That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer?

Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner? Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?

Intolerable as it may be I'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the Device!

Look, he's got a landline we can use! Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't feel right about that. We're guests, and it's long distance. Doesn't matter. The line's dead. Oh, my God! (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look. Everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this.

Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation. We saw Reality Bites together.

It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus! Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?

I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner.

Come here, you. Hey, look, I found a genie's lamp. No? Okay, well, maybe next week.

STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine.

Look, maybe, maybe not. We thought Muriel was the killer, and look how that turned out. We have no proof of anything.

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely.

Yeah, former heavyweight champion, Floyd Weatherton, lives here. (DOORBELL CHIMES) Trick or treat! Well, the thing about Halloween is that the candy corn is not particularly, unusually, the cause of the determinate factor of timeless tradition, is in contrast to the turkey day.

MORT: Why isn't the time machine working? I swear to God, Mort, I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.

I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related. Anyway, I thought him sharing that beer with me was the coolest thing ever. And I know nowadays, things are different. So, I got some crystal meth.

Then it's settled. You're staying with us. I promise you'll love it here, even more than Julia Roberts loves herself. Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come.

(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

Looks like the guys are gonna form a rock band. Maybe they'll learn a little something. Stick around, you just might learn something, too. You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots...

Hey, do I give you the third degree every time you go for one of those luxurious mammograms?

Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be... Oh, my God!

You think it's cool to go drinking right after Horace's funeral? Of course. It's what he would've wanted. Listen, we all got to move on. Like the Secret Service did on November 23, 1963. All right, guys, I know that yesterday was a rough one for us. But it's with great pride that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one.

You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles. I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question?

Where's Miss Emily? I haven't seen her yet today. She gave me the keys to open up when she left yesterday. I thought you said you were gonna talk to her. I did, and she's doing her best, you know? She's got a lot on her plate. She's got school, she's got work. This is her work! Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you had a busy day at your legal practice. (GROANS) Oh... Hey, Emily!

Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm! Yes. Ok now, playtime is over. Turn it off, monkey. Ok?

Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir?

All this stuff about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. Really. I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper.

You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much.

(WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now,

"she looks at the world through hopeful eyes "and maintains an uncommon resilience that can only be admired. "In this sense, Meg Griffin is not the typical American girl. "She is far sweeter and kinder than that." Oh, my God. That is so nice, Brian. Did you mean all that?

Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall! Oh, hey, I meant to ask you did you ever find out what that button on my bureau was from? Oh, yeah. Chris' denim jacket. Ah! I like that jacket. It looks good on him. Ok, then. So, we'll keep in touch?

No, I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail. Above the set of jacks? Yes, above the jacks and the bicentennial playing cards and across from the giant cage with the beach balls, next to the Wiffle ball bats and the spark-spitting cars. I don't... Oh, next to the wax bottles of weird juice.

Hi. I was gonna catch The Big Bang Theory tonight, and wondered if you wanted to come over and watch. What? What is that? It's a comedy. It's on CBS. I'm really into it.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You think I care about you? I don't. Yes, you do. I know you do. I don't really care.

it can enslave the human race. Come on, people! It's solid titanium. You! Over here in the back! Do I hear $100? Oh, Come on! $5? All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime. Behind the fat chick! No? Ok.

may I present this year's hottest toy, Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style, with his little hat and his Doc Martens. Uh, Thank you, Peter, that's enough. Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances! I've seen enough. How Inappropriate. I haven't had sex in 4 years.

You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now.

I don't suppose you're from AAA, are you? Who? AAA, you know? A-A-A. Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA. No, not AA. A-A-A. Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh? So you are with AAA? Oh, no, that's A-A-A. I just came from AA, eh? Huh? Stewie, I think he's just a drunk. Well, drunk or not, can you help us? I can if you want to join AA, eh?

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas. Ugh.

There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me.

"Find your own beach house, crabby. "Put that in your office and frame it." The last one's kind of lame. Did you get down to the one at the bottom there? Which one? "On your mark, get set, terrible." No, this one here. "If you've got a problem, take it up with my butt. "He's the only one that gives a crap." - Oh, my God! That's it. - Yeah. That's the one. I thought you'd like... You are...

Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image. Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well...

He rocks in the treetop all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song All the little birds on Jaybird Street

You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse? Come on, get up! Knock off your napping It's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen There's a chair that freakin' talks! Hey look! There's some fish that give advice Holy crap! It's screwy In Peter's Playhouse

Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here. Wait a minute. Where's Meg?

Hey! Gotcha! (LAUGHING) Okay, you got me. Hey, wait, you got something there. Oh, my God! I can't believe I fell for that. I know. Now, excuse me, I have to make out with my girlfriend. Oh! Sorry! I'll leave you two alone. Nah, it's just me by myself!

Oh! An eye for an eye.

Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable! Lois, I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about.

What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom.

Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun!

"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee!

(ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

Jeez, every cop in town is here. I know. Who do you think is taking care of the city? No. No. No. No. MAN: What the hell? Come on! No drive. Is wet.

Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here, and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right. Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good. Can we get some salami and... Brian, Brian, let me handle this. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian.

You know what, Brian? It took me two hours to spell "hat" with these things. I finally got the "T" right side up, and then you come in here... You're a bastard. Where are you going? I'm going to expose Mayor West as the corrupt politician that he is. I'm on my way to meet a source who won't talk to me over the phone. Ooh! Scandal in Quahog. Count me in.

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spinoff. See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here. Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day. Well, Now I don't know,

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!

Love is more than just a game for two Two in love can make it Take my heart and please don't break it Love was made for me and... (SCREAMS)

Yeah, then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there yourselves. Maybe we will. Yeah! Jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside? This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter. Huh?

BRIAN: Stupid cat!

Well, I have to say, I feel a little better about it.

Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir, or I'm gonna have to fine you. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog! What the hell were you thinking, Brian?

It's the PBS show Old Ships. God, I hate PBS.

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing

- Hey, Greg. - Afternoon, Mr. Griffin. - Mrs. Griffin out today? - Shopping.

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car. - (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do

Did you get a packet from HR when you started working there? Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHING) (VACUUM CLEANER ROARING) (GROANING) (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)

You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!

I want to hear it! Is that what this is all about? Run for your lives! Holy crap! Hot! aah! There's no way out! At last! My time device is complete! Just one final adjustment. There.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING) Oh, no. Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs really want to be talked down to by big-shot Northerners. Afternoon. Officer, what is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.

And the nominees are Ron Jones, Walter murphy,

It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

I just... I--I can't take it anymore. He's driving me crazy. Take it easy, honey. Knock, knock.

Well, I just thought that... You thought what? You know, if you want access to this temple, you better pay the proper tribute. All right, that is it! I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not.

who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day. I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day. Come on, say the line. Oh, oh, there he is.

Ohhh! Zales! It's just the box, Peter. Tickets to Foxy Boxing? Yeah, it's this cool thing where girls in bikinis box each other. We're all going Saturday night!

Look at her. She needs me, a lot more than you do. But we were just starting to make a real connection. Listen, I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around, but now, thanks to you, I finally have a chance to transform my mom's life in the same way you transformed mine.

What? I didn't mean to...

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

Uh, Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You.

This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch. This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do?

And then I got that job on the Starship Enterprise. Dude, you gotta introduce me to that black chick. Guys, the only thing I know how to do is fly a plane. That's what I was born for.

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry. You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli.

You know, Michael, my daughter's womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed. Neither is her lower back or her hair.

With the fellows at the freakin' FCC

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! I know that sound! It means there's a potential intruder at the front door or one of my pals! Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello!

Oh, It says here that this is the actual gutter where the policeman fell over laughing after Eddie Murphy told him he was just giving the transvestite a ride home. Oh, I think that's me. HellO? Hey, Peter, it's QuagmirE. Oh, Hey, Quagmire. Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick. Uh, uh, i--I got to go.

Whoa! What planet is this? It's not a... Peter, its Earth. It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr. Swanson? Thank you.

Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole.

I don't know. The hours would be erratic. Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it. Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy. Well, Peter, there have been a lot of changes in Joe's life,

He... He did it to you, too? I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation. You guys are a bunch of queers.

Well, you know, I've been sorta just hanging back here, taking all this in, cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight,

Oh, Good boy, Stewie. Clean plate. Although I think you got-- Yes, yes! I got more of it on me than in me. Yes, That one never gets old, Lois. Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in. I'll eat it when I'm ready! HI. I'm ready! Well, Time for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie.

- No, none in here, either. - Okay, good. - So, can I be on The Bachelorette? - Yeah. Goodnight. Peter, I'm getting a little worried about Chris. All he does lately is sit alone in his room talking to that zit. Relax, Lois. What's a zit gonna do? Talk to him and tell him to sneak out of the house and cause trouble?

Roll some joints and get high. Yeah, we got to do those things. That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny.

I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel? My house burned down. Oh. Why are you naked?

And after what I went through with Diane Simmons, well, let me just say it's nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me. Yeah, no, you're fine.

Man, didn't see that coming. I had this dream last night. Did you ever see Logan's Run? Last day. Capricorn 2537. Our next dedication goes out to Tommy from Kim.

All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with Purple Hearts.

No. What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol. No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama.

Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed weapon. I'm gonna have to place you under arrest.

I am going to turn that team around. And we'll challenge the Patriots to a game, and we'll kick their ass!

ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot!

Stewie, you and I are friends, right? Yeah, I mean, I know you through our mutual friend, Greg, but sure, I'd say we're friends now. Exactly. And as your friend, you'd want me to be honest with you, right? Totally. It wasn't good. Oh, no, really? Oh, I worked so hard on it. Oh, I thought it was good. Oh.

(PLAYING ALONG WITH SONG)

Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot! Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.

Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law. Carol, how the hell are you?

What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea. Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. All right. Let's do it!

What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie.

(SOBBING) I should just kill myself. Oh, that's... Come on. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me. Oh...

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh."

We were just about to sing a song about mopping. We're mopping the deck which is Navy for "floor" And when we're done mopping we'll mop it some more "Swab" means "mop" "deck" means "flooR" coulD you Tell me when you're leaving to go back in tiME?

Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you! I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly.

What are you talking about? It's my yard! I'm sorry, but your house is too close to the curb. Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose! Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!

(PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped.

What's wrong with the TV? Nothing, Chris. All the shows are in widescreen now, so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Ugh! What do you want?

Yeah? Well, what did you want? Uh... You called me, right? Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know.

Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right. Can we please just drop it? It's just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized! He's just using that as an excuse. Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free.

I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

You can't pick me. I'm a captain. No one had ever stood up to me like that before. I respected him from there on out. That's a great story, Grandpa. I didn't like it. None of my grandchildren had ever disliked one of my stories before. From then on, he was my favorite. Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa.

Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant! A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night.

That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know? I... I lost my temper onstage.

Wrong floor. Stormtrooper church. And do you, Allen, take Judith to be your lawfully wedded wife till death or a giant explosion do you part?

"0, Captain! my Captain!" Well, if it works for you, I guess.... "0, Captain! my Captain!" What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "0, Captain! my Captain!" In your case, I'd get the money up front. Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now.

(GASPING) Mommy! Chris! Stewie! My babies! Oh, I'm so happy you're safe! I knew they'd find you. I knew you were okay. It's just like the psychic said. Thank you all for your help, everybody. Oh, for definite. It's just like a childhood game of Hide and Find! You said it, friend!

You sure this is the right way? Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star. Are you sure that's a star? We've had this conversation! Yes, it's a star! It's got flashing red lights! Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing.

Oh, oh, is that what that is? Let me just peel that right off. So, uh, what are you gonna read after that one? Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn! And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING)

(RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (GASPS) Peter, what was that?

Glenn, you sure you want to do this? I already told you I forgive you. No, No, I feel like I got off too easy. All right. If you insist. You, uh, wanna ring the bell, Apollo? All right. Ding, ding.

And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today. And now, new Lady Scream in a Box. (WOMAN SCREAMING) Finally, a scream that's right for me!

Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Hey, where's everybody going?

You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow!

Whoa. What is it? What happened? I just went to see my psychic Estelle, and she told me that Stewie is gonna grow up to be very successful. Ah! Isn't that great news? You went to see that psychic again? That's the third time this week. She's a lifesaver, Brian. She gives me the confidence to live my life knowing I'm making the right choices. Wow, and she does all this for free?

(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas! Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay. (LUCK BE A LADY PLAYING)

- Who's a good boy? - Me. Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy. But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry.

What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... (IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS)

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

(PANTS) Oh, God, that feels so much better. You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat. (CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya!

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song. Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need.

And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel,

You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it?

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh,

Close that window. You're letting all the stank out.

We haven't made love in two weeks. We haven't made love ever!

Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead.

Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid. This gives me an idea. She's dead.

Um, nothing much.

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion!

You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har. Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

(SIGHS) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job! "Great job," so you know that phrase. What's that? What? What phrase do I know? Bill Maher! Whoo!

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary. Still twice yours, Joyce. Our top story tonight,

The story of the Griffin family history. Here's how it all began. Everything started with the big bang. It was a Saturday night, and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. (CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated!

I couldn't afford to get you what I got you last year. I know how you like that song, so I got you two turtledoves. Where did you get these? I went to a scientist and had them genetically engineered. Fly, beautiful turtledoves. Bring Christmas cheer to all.

You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl.

Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this!

Well, Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor. Welcome back, Fargas. Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth! No, No, Lois. The janitor'll do that.

That's fine, that's fine! We'll take it! CHER: (OVER PA) Bethlehem! I have one question for you! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

here, Go buy yourself some more money.

what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner... Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh?

Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.

and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started. Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell. And now you're gonna pay for it. So get ready, fuckers.

If only you were a boy. But I am a boy. DAN: Okay, everybody, we're live in five! You'd better get out there. Four, three, two... Good morning, and welcome to Jolly Farm.

Great. Put your wig on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Shut up! This is real. (LAUGHING) You're watching Hannah Montana? Well, yeah. To make fun of it. I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes and her makeup, and that fabulous hair and... Oh, my God, Brian! It's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever!

Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)

- Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire?

and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth. Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now. Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

Oh, hi, Bonnie. What's up? Hi, Lois, I hate to bother you, but I'm going out of town for a few days to visit my father in the hospital. I was hoping that while I was gone, you could look in on Susie and Joe. And go have sex with Quagmire. Quagmire! Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Very well, Solo, if you won't talk, we have very effective means of torture. Whoa! Well, I don't want to be tortured. All right, Luke's on Dagobah, there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk, and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.

Are we going to get this orgy started or what? Oh, my God! You thought that's what we were here for? You're not? No! Well, then what are you doing here? Well, Dale and I found out that we can't have children. We've conceived many times, but for some reason the eggs won't attach.

- Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be? Ahh!

(PHONE RINGING) Hi, my name's Classy. What can I do for you, hot stuff? Oh, hi, Classy. You sound very classy. Listen, do you have a wallet or a purse? Uh, I have a purse. Oh! Oh, baby.

Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead!

Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

Damn it! Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good.

Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass. And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

CECILIA: Neil is such an amazing guy.

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

GrEAT, The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again. Well, I'll show them! I'll show all of them! Oh, my God, that hurts! Oh, no, You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that anklE. This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

This is fun. We're having fun. Hey, what do you say we get some drinks? Hey, boy. Boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda, and three Myrna Loys for the women. - (WOMEN GASP) - Excuse me? What the hell is your problem, you jerk? What? Does he belong to somebody else?

You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie.

Here's your iPod, so you can listen to The Streaks while you gasp for air. The Strokes. Right.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,

Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson. Oh, Archie. I can't see out of my sheet! Edith, will you stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus.

Thursday. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic!

That this is not H.I.V.

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING)

(WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly.

You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible,

(GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING) Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.

maybe I can actually learn something that will save this farm. Wow, Brian, that's a great idea. And, hey, maybe I could give the speech at your graduation. I'm really good at that. And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope, all I can think is, "You are completely screwed." As Martin Luther King once said, "Ouch, I've been shot." Thank you.

(GIGGLING) (SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING)

Wow, Jesus, can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno? Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed. Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to One-Hour Crime Show Where the Murderer is the Most Famous Person in the Credits. I think you're gonna want to take a look at this. What do we got? Looks like somebody had a rough night out. Boy, you can say that again. Better get the coroner down here. He's still got his watch and his wallet. Guess that rules out robbery. Stabbed 17 times in the chest,

We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord. Meg, when I was your age, my parents tried to feed me the same nonsense about premarital sex. You're lying to yourself. Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love.

Ok, if you want to be dirty, be dirty. Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned! Ah! There you go, kiddo. All clean. Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman!

Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I got to figure you're in there. How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk. Peter, this all looks very expensive. Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive. I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) I was in the bathroom.

Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter. W-w-Wait! Before you go, what's Heaven like? Oh, It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter.

And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks! Hey, how do you like that, Lois? We're gonna live! Peter, what did you mean by what you said? You hate being around the kids? Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives?

Oh, no! Jenga, there it is. Well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga. Stewie, you're so cute, I can't even stand it. Thank you. I'm having a good time, too.

(GROANING) Mom, can I just open my presents now? All right, Meg. (PAPER RIPPING) Thank you. What the... Hey, let's see what else we got here. The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD.

You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else!

It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier". You are so right. Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan! Oh. Uh... $140,000. $150,000.

Can I count to 3? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL.

What do we do? Is he breathing?

Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from. Peter, you did it.

A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.

I am so fucking ready...

I was just so tired of being everyone's whipping girl that it felt kind of good to do some of the whipping. Give me the gun, Meg. Thanks for reminding me who I really am. Well, at least I didn't get robbed.

See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too. You balanced our checkbook? Yup. Isn't that right, Max?

It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

it was a rock lobster Rock lobster Rock lobster

Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm! Yes. Ok now, playtime is over. Turn it off, monkey. Ok? ahem.

Ah. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. (BELL DINGS) Damn it! (CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!

And over there is the Rhode Island State House, the second largest self-supporting marble dome in North America. Why the fuck am I doing this? I could've just said I did it. Sir, about your bill... Oh, don't worry, Carstairs, there's ample gratuity on there for you. (CHORTLES) Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined.

(STEWIE SCREAMING)

Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Quick, Brian, into the time machine!

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me.

As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale.

Ruh-roh. Remocrats.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you.

I really like this restaurant. You seem to like everything. Brian, you're acting a little distant. Yeah, get whatever you want. Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here. Oh, hey, Quagmire.

Hey, tweeps! JK, I don't follow you, you're lame. But look who just got herself a sick new tat. MEG: Oh, my God, Mom! I know, I can't believe it either. I guess one of my flaws is I'm just kind of brave. No, that's great actually, because now anyone walking behind you will know that you had $60. Wow! That is awesome, Lois!

Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!

He's ok. you know, He reminds me a lot of me at that age. I just hope his teen years go better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward.

NARRATOR: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled.

It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.

You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING) Wow! What a hero.

Oh. They absolutely love your book. The simplistic writing style is very graspable to them. Here's your award. I made it all by myself. Thanks. Hey, Brian! Smell my finger! I... I already can.

Juden! Rubben wir Schmutzen auf deine Arschneck.

So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.

Get out! This is a part just for the men! I say, there's a plane. Yeah. And If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot. And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar! I can finally get a drink! I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me!

Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!

(WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

Neil, would you-- I would be honored. Thanks.

Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)

So, these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes? Indeed they are. Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking? So the housewife tells the plumber, "Okay, you cleaned my pipes, now get to work on that sink." (BOTH LAUGHING)

(MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum?

They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone want to buy some pot? We must be getting close to the Pole. Look at all these igloos.

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)

(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner.

From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

Oh, God, what is this? I feel like I'm on acid or something. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where everything is depicted as a Washington Post political cartoon. Good Lord, I'm naked! And why am I holding a dinner platter that says "McCain-Feingold"? (LAUGHING) That's pretty good. That's funny.

Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade in-the-same-room-make-outs. "Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club! Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes,

Fellas, it doesn't matter what you wear... as long as you play kickass rock and roll and do this with your tongue. Am I right, Gene? You got that right, Pete. LOIS: Oh, my. Hi, Gene. I didn't know you were here. All right. Keep it in your mouth, rock star.

Happy birthday!

Let's go to Jolly Farm.

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian. You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer. STEWIE: Lois? (SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom?

That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police!

But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all! Let's go home.

(SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS)

You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case!

Shut up, Chris!

Why don't you go away? I don't want to be your friend. (GROWLS) Rupert! Oh, dear God, somebody help! Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury.

In French, when you want to say "yes," you say oui, oui. You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes."

You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom! End of discussion! Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you! I hate you! Aw.

(SIGHING) All right. Genital warts. But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart

CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.

Hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood? The pregnant one? Yep, she's having her kittens right now. (GASPING) Oh, no way. Yeah, making all those high-pitched "mew mew" noises and everything. I love them already.

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

Yes! I want to work! I want my job back! But, Dad, you're retired. I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke. Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian. You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge.

I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows No stranger to you and me (IMITATING DRUMS)

But I do have a job to do. So get moving. 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty. Doodie means poop. It does. Are you, Dad? Are you the only one who does his duty? That's not how I remember it. What are you talking about? You don't remember, do you? I was in first grade. You took me out with you on one of your shifts.

"A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.

Hey, other black guys. It ain't so bad.

No, no! That's not what Mrs. Garrett's bosom looked like. It looked more like this. Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital.

Peter, those are Cheerios.

Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (ALL LAUGHING)

(HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame

I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh. I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got. Carol, it's so good to see you. You, too, Lois. God, that is one nice ass. Thank you. You're welcome.

But, um... I was kind of gonna roofie you. What? What is wrong with you? And, Kent, I owe you an apology, too. I lied when I told you that Chris wanted to sleep with you. Save it, Meg! I don't need your apologies! I can see now that you're a complete psycho!

When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so. Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up, and eventually it all works out. Meg, this is a list of hats. I need these by 4:00. Good idea. One of those hats would have helped him at the park today. Chris, did you put a coonskin cap on Stewie? No, why?

Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down,

You know, Chris, a little hard work can do wonders. Just look at how they built the pyramids. They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.

Well, lookie here. What do we got in this thing? Oh, come on! You planted that there! We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high? You boys are in a lot of trouble. Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American,

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad.

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women?

Thank you. (ALL SCREAMING)

I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding.

Daddy, now that I've finally passed my driver's test can I still get a convertible? No. But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart. And I'm proud of you, Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson. It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with, and your family--

Oh, this is an even bigger jackpot than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue.

Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit. Afternoon, Officer. OFFICER: Any idea how fast you were going? CLEVELAND: No, sir. OFFICER: You getting smart with me, boy? Where'd you get them wheels? CLEVELAND: Come on, man. OFFICER: Step out of the car. CLEVELAND: But I ain't done nothing.

Dad, this says I gained weight. That's impossible. Take off your shirt. What the hell is that? oh! Bovine lummox! Oh!

You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know! So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.

Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him.

I am so alone. Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought!

Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia.

How could you embarrass me like that?

Peter! Cleveland! Joseph! Joseph! Quagmire!

Shit! What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog. Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box.

Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling.

I mean, she's my only daughter, and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.

How can I even think about trying anything? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

But then I realized you'd be out of the house 5 days a week, which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties.

That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy. Well, the pocket-dial giveth, and the pocket-dial taketh away. You'll never take me alive! - Aren't you gonna run? - I would, but I don't want my gym teacher to laugh at me. He's been following me around since junior high. Watch this. Watch this Jewish kid run.

Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth!

Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!

there's only one solution.

(CHUCKLING) Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man. (CHUCKLING)

It's Chris' blanket. We got to do something about this. I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible. Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.

The bedroom was 100 feet from the window. Okay, first of all, the term "orgy" is outdated. We call them, "Genital jamborees." But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime.

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

- Yeah. - Yeah. What? Dry plain? Dusty field? Nice to get out of the swamp? What a croc! And that's where we get the term.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

Peter, we have proof that it was Chris who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy.

(SIGHING) Almost home. Oh, my God!

so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching. All right. I've looked through all the video footage. And I've compiled what I believe to be an accurate cross-section of your home life. Here are the results.

You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little.

Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day. I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day. Come on, say the line.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Wow, I'm so excited for Brian.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Oh, my God, we should text each other. Hang up! Hang up!

Kill Brian for me. (EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Family Guy is brought to you by AXE Body Spray. AXE Body Spray. Spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower. Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh? AXE Body Spray.

(LAUGHING) That's the movie Iron Eagle.

My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard!

Where's your father? Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel. A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch? Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best...

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair. Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us. Yeah. All right, that makes sense. See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad.

Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? (BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding. License and registration, please.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

Lois, where is my supper?

Well, What do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke!

Mustard. Oh, that's right. We had hot dogs last week. You gonna eat that? The mustard on your shoulder? No. Oh, oh, Kids, look! Look. A deer. Can we pet him? No, no. No, no, No. no, just--Just watch.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell! Oh, Here's the paper towels.

I am so fucking ready...

(LAUGHING) "We don't... We don't even know why she's coming."

You guys want to go for a ride? Sure. Hell, yeah.

you're not even part of these United States. Which would make you... a Communist! - Ahh! - ahh! Ow! Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier. Would you come back in a week, when my fat malcontent trap door will be completed? I am not coming back in a week or ever! I've had it with you!

Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"?

A job? Lois, the '70s are over. Forget it. Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet. Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy!

So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

And black guys, by and large, they're not so helpful on a fishing vessel. Now, Portuguese, absolutely, absolutely. I even had a couple of Japanese guys who worked out great. Thank you very much. You guys have been terrific. And now, our final performance of the night.

Hello? Hello, Mrs. Griffin? Yeah. Shh. Shut up. You guys, shut up. Yeah, Hi. Uh, This is the F.B.I. calling from your house. Oh, God! Oh, hi. How is everything?

Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion?

Ok, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold, and--and there's gonna be wind, and people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops. How awful! Oh, no. I'm sorry, that's--that's rain. Yes. It'll rain.

Do you need a gay friend on the show? A friend on the show?

I mean, You were pretty bad in bed Saturday nighT. Come on, Lois. Move or something. Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow!

We were just about to go on our annual midnight hunting trip. We thought you might want to join us. Yeah, what the hell? Go shoot some animals, that sounds like fun. Hey, it beats sitting at home watching Meg pop her zits.

Here, Stewie. Try this.

A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian.

Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can.

Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle?

What are you doing? Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

I wonder what else I've repressed? Oh, my God. I could've had a V8. It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself. Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes.

My one regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman. What the-- How the devil do you know about Lois? You've seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me plotting my escape. You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What--What else do you hate? People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards!

Boy, that was lucky. Yeah, things worked out. Well, we have to stop him!

the London Silly Nannies.

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

What the... What the hell is this place? Welcome to DUMP, Deep Underground Military Protection Facility. Wouldn't that be DUMPF? The "F" is silent, like in "knife." We're actually working for the federal government, and we need your help.

No, but you can have some Tasty Juice. It has only one-third the sugar of soda. Mmm. Delicious. Thanks, Mom. (WOMAN SINGING)

Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you. Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg.

To end the show? MAN: Yeah. Yeah.

We're gonna help you kill the fish. But this--this is gonna be dangerous. We could all die. Oh, Come on. You're our best friend, Peter. Besides, I can remember a time when you saved all our butts. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Hya! Yeah, Too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy. All right, let's go kick some fish ass, huh?

A bit of breaking news.

I don't know what's in there! That's it! Peter is completely out of control! We've gotta do something to take him down and get your company back. Right, right, but how? In order to oust an idiot, we've got to think like an idiot. Let's see. What's Peter's weakness? He's gotta have a weakness.

Right here. Here you go, Officer. Give me the damn license. Don't you want it? Here. This is in poor taste, Peter. Having some trouble there? You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction.

WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)

oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect! Brian, what are you doing?

Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter.

(SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here! Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family.

Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Mull! Give us the pills!

Now that is not true. Oh, yeah? Then why did you pick Martin Luther King? Why not Ronald Reagan? He was always fun, especially in his later years. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash.

Yeah, I'll just put sorcery. Okay. Umm, are you gay, straight, or not sure? Uh, why are you asking me this? It's just... I don't write the questions. I know. It just seems a little personal. Yeah, I understand. You're free not to answer it if that's your choice. No, no, no, it's okay. You can put "not sure." All right. I'm off to Paris.

- What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.

Well, Congratulations on all your success.

(BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom.

(SCREAMING) (GROANING)

All right, Let's just get through this. Fine with me. Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick. You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel! Well You're one to talk! You've been stuffing your diaper since day one! It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos! Just because your breath reeks of rotten Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to. - Ugh! - Ugh!

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away.

oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way ow! I've never met a guy like you.

mmm. ah, Sausage-san. Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies. sir, You don't have to keep moving to the back of the line. You can have as many as you want. They're free. What are you talking about? Hey, Can I have some more sausage? Yeah. Me, too?

When do I get to meet her? No, no. No way.

Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING)

Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea! Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT?

Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi.

(GRUNTING) Stay away from my dog. Very well, Stewie, I shall. But just one thing. What?

This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong? You got to get her running before you start running.

Move it. Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. I'm very disappointed in you.

Oh! She has the voice of an angel! Not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from.

Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy... and get some astringent to get rid of that thing. What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood.

Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else. Oh. My problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her?

Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door. I know. I've admired you in the garden from afar. Will you go out with me? I'd love to. Oh, he's gay. You wish! Get out of here, you mouth breather!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God, that is gonna be on YouTube.

Full housE. Dagnab! That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers.

I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God,

(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

Let's get loud, let's get loud

What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!

Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved, so you begin to think maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off. Oh, Wow!

Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work... I have spoken!

Of course not, sweetie. Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me.

We now return to Girlfriends on Lifetime. Barry was over last night, and he-- Don't tell me. He left the toilet seat up! Oh, I ran into Frank. It's funny. He fought in Vietnam, he's an exorcist, but there is one thing that terrifies him-- Commitment!

You can burn in hell.

thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off,

The bomb that went off in Times Square?

We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.

I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jackass. Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready? (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God! (LAUGHING) These guys are hilarious.

Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts. Oh come on. I don't have much time. (SIGHS)

Damn it, Swanson. I want them found. Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads. Not the Griffins, you moron!

Winner! (JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I should probably get going. Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again. We got a big tournament coming up next week. Well, hurry back, handsome. Oh, Peter, this is so much fun. I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about.

And, hey, look I... I wanted to thank you for being so great to me. - So, I baked you a pie. - Oh, wow. Hey, that looks delicious. Mmm. Wow, this is good. What's in there? Well, there some apples and some cinnamon and my hair. What? My hair's in the pie, Brian.

Well, Peter, it's been a rough week for both of us, but it means a lot to me to hear you say that. So, what do you say? Can we put all this behind us? I'd like nothing better. Hey, Bonnie and I are watching Grey's Anatomy if you want to come in. Oh, boy, Joe, I got to tell you. That, that... That sounds awful.

That was a cold swish. Put her there. No, no, no, no. (ALL LAUGHING)

It's about damn time! No words... sh-Should have sent a poet. There's enough food to last us forever!

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike? That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam! (MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1.

Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this.

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is. Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... This is Peter Griffin.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up. And the Yew Nork Nankees bave heaten the Oltimore Borioles nive to foo here at Yamden Cards. The Borioles now lace a fong toad rip where they'll face the Sed Rox, the Revil Days and the Jue Blays. (KNOCKING) Hey, Peter, you got a minute?

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods. That's a great idea, Brian. If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family.

Oh! Look out. (MEG SCREAMS) - (THUDDING) Sorry, there.

She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing.

Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Oh, my God! Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!

and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry. Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it. Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please. Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson. Sh-sh-she's new.

Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, you know, I went into a store last week and they wanted $800 for a TV, but I us'ed them down to $500. (SCREAMING)

No, i--i--I know. It's just, you know, I should be able to control my baser instincts. But... lately I've just been having these urges. Brian, Why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air'll help you relax. Mmm, I know where I go when I want to relax. I know the guy that owns this place! What?

Something like what you've just been through.

Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.

Who are you? We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast!

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

(SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain.

What? What's the joke? (CHUCKLING) Oh, yes! What? What is it? (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) You can't say that! But it got said! What? What? By who? All right, fine, fine! I'll try it, you bastard! Now step onto the return pad. Now brace yourself. Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality. (BEEPING)

Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook. Hey, everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards. What's up? What's up? Hey, you know what I hate?

Lot of drum roll for nothing.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no!

Do you know who I am? I'm Elroy Jetson! Yeah, yeah, Come back when you have some money. Take him home, bamm-Bamm. Bamm-Bamm! bamm! I don't want to go home! Take me to Astro's grave!

No, Hold on, Brian! Stay up there! Stay there! Now See here! Brian Griffin is a brilliant actor with talent and passion! But You alleged experts obviously didn't notice. Well, I did notice! I saw a man bare his soul up here! And His pain ran through my heart like an errant locomotive, but it was wasted. wasted on all of you!

Well, I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening. Sorry to bother you. If it's any consolation, I would never have stood you up. Well, I guess that makes you one of the rare ones nowadays. Your husband's a lucky guy. Divorced.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Nielsen himself. Nurse, who's the worst doctor in this hospital? You are, Dr. Hartman. Good. Put Hartman on this bozo. Hey, what can I do for you? Please, Doc, you got to help me with this nasty gash. What seems to be the problem? No, it's my husband.

So I left. How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this.

I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me with thine sweet, searing arrow?

What the hell is so bloody fascinating?

There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

Meg, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?

Hey, guys. Check it out. What do you think? A private plane? How'd you swing that, Quagmire? Well, let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston. Oh, my God, this plane is awesome, Quagmire. Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington.

All right, a bike! I'm out of here!

Hearts on fire Strong desire Rages deep within

Hey, Brian. In hopes that you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross. No, I don't want a crucifix. Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

Then I buried the body and even went out of my way to cover up the evidence. Oh, my God! These are very serious charges, Brian. I know. And that's why I'm prepared for you to arrest me and take me to jail where I belong. I just couldn't take the stress anymore. I had to come clean.

Oh, little taco. I'll have one of those. (ALL GASPING) It's him! Sorry I took so long. I was going to the bathroom, and I just couldn't stop looking at my penis, 'cause it's, you know, so fantastic. You're a monster... Yeah, I heard it's fantastic. You're a monster, James Woods! You think you can just commit murder and get away with it? Quagmire loved that girl! QUAGMIRE: Easy.

Ah! Another day of being huge. Good morning, guns of... (GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off. You're weak like everyone else. And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now.

(CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)

Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs. Yeah, they're not selling very well.

Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies! My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth.

"I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here." Yeah, I know, I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So, what did they say? Get this, they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day. They said that? (SCOFFS) Yeah. Well, none of this will matter when we're famous singers.

As they dig my grave as they dig my grave Hey, Dad, they're singing a song about me!

Hey, Horace, get that wiener out of your hand and give us three more beers over here! (CHUCKLES) Lois, you're always giving me the business. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, I meant to tell you guys. We shot some drug dealer this morning,

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast. Oh, wonderful! Wonderful! Yeah, I'd forgotten how great it is interacting with other people. Well, I better get some sleep. I got to open the store tomorrow.

So be it, A.N.N.A. I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels

Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip.

I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle. - Hey. - BRIAN: Hello.

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.

You wouldn't kill me, would you? Thanks for helping me dig this hole, Mr. Montesante. Hey, no problem, Stewie. This can be a pain in the ass when you got to do it all by yourself. You're telling me. All right. Go ahead and drop it in. Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful when it reaches adulthood. Yeah. I love plants.

Be careful. Muriel could be in any one of these pantries.

I must have it for my gallery in Soho. I'll give you $5,000. What do you say? I say, I love you, you freakin' son of mine!

Ho! Ho! Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one. Yeah, Next one's coming for your head! Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent!

Ooh it up A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate oh, Look how cute he is!

I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better.

Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Vet? I hate the vet!

Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God!

He's all yours, Joe. You're lucky I've got some extra pull around here... thanks to my 18 medals for heroism. There he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry them? I did something like that once. And in the event of your death...

Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit. Be careful, Meg. (MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from. PETER: It turned out the joke already had quite a history. Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington,

Even you're doing better than Brian.

This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong?

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe. Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away. Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

We could. It'd be so easy, man. It would take, like, a minute. Could it really be that fast? Peter, that pig could be in our stomachs in, like, one minute, and then we could... And then... And then we could do other stuff. (LAUGHING) All right. I'm starved. Let's do it.

Oh, boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap. Ew! Dad! We don't want to sit here and look at your ass. Yes. I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower when she does that butt floss thing.

That's easy. I wish I could see what Kelly Ripa was like off the set. So it shall be. Great show today, Kelly. Thanks, Reg. You, too. REGIS: Kelly, Gelman needs us on stage for some re-shoots.

He's a family guy oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night?

Come on, that's right, you bastard. Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here. You can have the real estate section. It's for schmucks, anyway.

Now, I'm trying to decide between the tossed spaghetti on a newspaper and the half yogurt with the balled-up tissue in it. Hi, there. Do you have any books on how to get rid of ghosts? Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING)

I've had my share of disappointments, tOO. It's a girl! Can you check again?

(SLURPING) (PLAYING SOOTHING TUNE)

Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi! i have an innie. Uh, Miss Stratford? Come in, Mr. Griffin. Don't be nervous. The I.R.S. is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. You smell nice.

Oh, just a housewife? Look, I'm all for equality, but if you ask me, feminism is about choice. I choose to be a wife and mother. And now I'm choosing to end this conversation. No wonder your husband didn't respect women. Excuse me? I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.

(PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

(SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes. I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien. I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens.

Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

Oh, Hey there, young fella. Bringing me good news today?

Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on!

- (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

We enjoy each other's company. Well, I suppose if I have your word that this won't happen again,

Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Nino! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)

What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah! Yeah, You bet your ass I'm right! Y-You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now! Come on! Brian, have you been drinking? No.

PETER: And then, all of a sudden, he saw her. Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,

Look, you can't expect to hire 60 workers to dig a cave under your house, and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town. Yeah, but I told them it was part of a geological survey. (CHUCKLES) Batman, Batman. They built a Lazy Susan for your nuclear car. That's something they consider conversation-worthy.

But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance. (SINGING LARGO AL FACTOTUM)

Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it... one time when he was a freshman. undefinedDoesn't his dad live in Hartford? " think so. My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go back to my place and rent a dirty movie.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Oh, no, they took my gym shoes. Sorry, glutes, no blasting today. They took my dirty rope that was tied in a knot! They stole the chair I use in the shower! They stole all my pens! I... I don't have a lot of stuff.

...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy.

Joe, you got a minute? What is it, Peter? I just wanted to apologize. I thought you and your friends were just a bunch of gross cripples, but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now, and I see how tough it is.

Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button! Oh, God, what is this? I feel like I'm on acid or something. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where everything is depicted as a Washington Post political cartoon. Good Lord, I'm naked!

My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America. Sean, I don't know if that's true. You just contradicted me! You hate America! If I could just get a word in... You hate America! You like the terrorists! Well, I guess you're right again.

This is Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan? The guy that used to bang that 70-pound witch? Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States. Oh, my God!

It's funny when it happens to other people. Ugh! That's the end of those underwears. I didn't know what to do, so I took them off and hummed them at the wall, and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses. Well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Damn it!

Guys, I don't think we have time for this.

And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it? Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos. Y'know, If you stay home, then you're just proving to the other kids that you don't belong there. Yeah. And you might have a really good time. I'll tell you one thing,

Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry. (EXCLAIMING) DREYFUSS: We talked into the night,

Thanks, Tom. Sir, for those viewers who aren't familiar with the tradition, can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire? Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Whoo! All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib?

Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Now, Mr. Swanson, through the magic of digital imaging, we'll select the legs most suited to your body from our inventory of donors. Hey, what about these? Good choice.

And finally, still no word on the disappearance of Lois Griffin, housewife and mother from Quahog, who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago. Well, folks, that's the news, and I am out of here. Daddy, she's been missing so long. Do you think they'll ever find her?

All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over. Do you see the wire yet? Over. No.

Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.

- Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow. What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!

All right, let's hurry up and find a way out!

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood? The pregnant one? Yep, she's having her kittens right now. (GASPING) Oh, no way. Yeah, making all those high-pitched "mew mew" noises and everything. I love them already. Yeah, but Brian's been eyeing them pretty good.

Um, "I'll have what she's having," says the funniest person in the room.

Superman. Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman.

Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11. How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there.

AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me. No! Why? Why? She chose the piano over her insulin. You could've had both!

Joe just told me how he and Bonnie met. So I figure, all we got to do is find a way to recreate the magic of that night. Well, we better do something soon, 'cause I just talked to Bonnie and she's already on D-Date. What the hell's D-Date? Diarrhea Date. It's filthy. But she found someone, and they're doing whatever they do tomorrow. What the hell's wrong with people?

Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya! I can feel all the bones in your ass! Hya! Hya! Oh, come on, Come on.

Very good, Jonas.

- Bought a globe. Couldn't find it. - Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too.

Come on, Ma. Hey, what gives with the suitcase? Tom, there's no easy way to say this. I'll just come right out with it. I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Why? Tommy, this has been great,

You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own. Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set. All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do Hold it. Hold it. (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) What... What's going on here?

We did it, Peter!

How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.

Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!

(LASERS FIRING) (BODIES THUDDING) PETER: All right, just follow my lead and act real cool. (MINNIE THE MOOCHER PLAYING)

Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness. Oh, wow. I feel like an explorer. Just like my ancestor, Ponce de Leon Griffin. There it is boys, the Fountain of Youth. Just like I told you. Well, that was worth the 8-year boat ride.

Paul. That's a person's name! A person's name. (LAUGHING) Oh, Paul.

Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time?

Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes! I'll have what he's having.

Well, excuse me for being retarded. My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that.

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping.

Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What?

So now you're happy, and I'm miserable. I see. I'm sorry you feel that way.

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

(GROWLING PLAYFULLY) "I'm swimming at night 'cause I'm a slut "and now I'm paying the price for it."

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

He just headed out that way to get help. Oh, that's not good. There's nothing in that direction but wilderness for thousands of kilometers. What? You're kidding. Oh, crap. Peter! Peter, come back! Peter! Peter! Peter! I think he's gone.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes? Rent! Rent! Rent! For all we know, he could be this way for the rest of his life. I don't see what the big deal is. I like myself this way. It's a very big deal. You'll be treated differently.

Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy.

You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going.

Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.

Hey, Meg, I know how you like to let off steam once in a while,

Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

In here is our editor, Mike. They let him smoke inside because all the smoke from his cigarette just floats directly back up into his face. Hey, Joyce, when you get a chance, come take a look at the Weekapaug thing.

I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology.

Oh, baby! Oh, Sandy! Oh, yeah! Oh, Sandy! Ohhh... Sandy? Oh, Not again. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Or am I?

I am, sir. It was an honor to serve with him. Come on, Dan, let's get a drink. It's great to see you back in your element tonight, surrounded by seamen. (LAUGHS) "Seamen." See, Quagmire? I told you he's gay. Shut up, Peter! - Hey, you Dan's boy? - That's right.

An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman? You wanna see a picture? Look at this. This is an actual picture from the book.

There's a chick who's kind of Persian And a broad with zero fat And a giant human monkey Oh, no, wait, that's Spencer Pratt Yeah, you're right That's Spencer Pratt

she knows how to rig an erection.

Hmm. Lot of black guys over there.

WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning. - FM. - Cool. WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning. On 97.1. 97.1.

No fair. He knows karate. Usually, handsome guys ain't so good with their fists. And stay away from my girlfriend. Brian, I know karate, too. I can help you. You stay out of this, lady! (GROANS) I got one! I think I got one!

that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing. Phil, Phil, just open it... Unlock the doors. You don't have to put the key in the ignition. Well, open the driver's side first. Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, and there's nothing we can do about it. Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm. (SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go.

Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking. All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!

I thought they smelled bad

That was a delicious dinner, Glenn. I didn't know you could cook. Well, when a fella's been alone as long as I have, he learns to take care of himself. Well, you're a very sweet friend, and you're so good to listen to my troubles. I could listen for hours, Lois. Whoo! Boy, I don't know how a half a glass of wine got me so lightheaded.

Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.

Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe. Real oddballs. I don't trust them. I saw them taking coupons out of our mailbox. I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman.

All right, we're gonna do it once more. (ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning

What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.

I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win? Another beer! Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here. (BEEPS) Oh, look at that. There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us. Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. Here's the reaction from city hall.

I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do? Just press the red button. Okay, which one's red? Press the big button!

(SQUAWKING) (SQUAWKS) (SNAPS)

(KIDS CHEERING)

Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here. Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day.

I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are.

Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see.

(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING) Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me.

Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean. Carol Burnett works part time as a janitor. You know, when she tugged her ear at the end of that show, she was really saying good night to her mom. I wonder what she tugged to say good night to her dad.

Now, son, Your parents are on their way. But since time is a factor here, we'd like to get a positive I.D. as quickly as possible. Are you sure he can't see me? Absolutely, Chris. You're 100 percent safe. Okay, that's him. Number 6. Hi. Uh, Excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin.

Come on, Quagmire. It's not so bad. You could kill yourself. Well, it's just a thought, but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness? Yeah, Brian's right. You know, there's lots of big Hollywood celebrities who have gone bald with dignity. John Travolta, David Spade, Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven. And besides, don't you think you'll be happier just being who you really are?

What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food!

Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? I'll remind you that I was invited here. All right, who's up there? Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois. Glenn, what are you doing up there? Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay. No airline will hire me after the accident. I'm broke and jobless.

Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." No, no, Stewie, go away! Brian, don't be mean to him.

All right, guys, keep an eye out for our stuff. I got tired of not being able to find my bags, so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it. This trip was impoceros! There we go.

All right. Let's try this again. (WHIRRING) (ALL MURMURING) It's them! I did it! The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I? What's going on? Greetings, everyone. My name is Stewie Griffin.

Daddy, we're here to have brunch with the Barringtons. The Barringtons! How is that possible? That family is the pinnacle of high society. They haven't worked in eight generations. All the kids have drug problems. Most of them have OD'd. That's terrible. Well, not all kids make it, Lois. Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

He was stabbed in a card fight. It was a simpler time. It was a better time.

(TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf.

This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah! Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji!

No way! We have to talk about it! Yeah, well, my memory is kind of hazy. We have to talk about every scene, man.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

I mean the thing between your knees. And by the thing between your knees, I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. aah!

Peter, we can't live like this. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Everything we had is gone! We have friends, Peter. Not anymore, we don't. They're good people. They'll listen. And they'll care what happens to us, even after everything that's happened. You know, I'm still young enough, you can drop me at the fire station, no questions asked.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.

While you were away, I tried to do the laundry. Your favorite shirt. Adam Kenneth Handleman, when will you learn? (ALL LAUGH) So, Peter, any luck finding your wallet? No, and it's getting to be a pain in the ass.

But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written. "These were difficult times "for the children of Ipswich "when the lollipop famine "cursed their pleasant village." How can you stand watching this? It's dreck and you know it. Oh, Don't have the guts to respond, huh?

Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate. I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha. Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? Pre-op. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off!

(HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down! Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. (CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING) (GIGGLES)

Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol? Mister, you're in serious trouble. He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle.

You're a handsome, kind-hearted young man, and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life. You really think so? Of course I do, sweetheart. Thanks, Mom. Now I'm gonna take the child filter off the computer, and I want you to have a fun night.

It's overwhelming.

Boy. Do I know that feeling. Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not.

When the time comes, you'll know. Damn it!

We've got 90 seconds, let's go! Peter, I'm not in the mood! That's okay. We can do it anyway. Peter, I was assaulted in public because of you! Oh, my God, what happened? I'll tell you what happened. A group of kids attacked me at Costmart because you portrayed me on your show as a raging puppet bitch! Writers take from their lives. You married a creative type. You knew this was a risk.

I could scratch your eyes out. (MEOWS) (CHUCKLES) You know, Peter, with all the shopping and cooking and decorating, I have to say I'm really liking the new you an awful lot. An awful lot. (SNICKERS) What are you doing? I'm fooling around.

Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies.

You know, Peter, what you showed me today was just awful. What are you talking about? I really don't see what's so great about being a regular person. The bus smells like crap, the movie theater is sticky, and Renee Zellweger should only be the cute friend at best.

(FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Bobby Darin tomorrow. This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here. Hey, You're on our turf, man! Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad. Those are bad roaches. I blame the schools.

Lois, hug, you got it. Stewie, hug, two in a row. Try for three, Chris? No, high five. Well, that's okay. High five's great, too. Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake.

I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid. I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible.

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

(PHONE RINGING) (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman at 555-0122. Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12.

Ahh! Ugh! Oof! Ahh!

Really? I didn't know. I actually have quite a jazz collection myself. - What do you like? - DJ Jazzy Jeff! I'm kidding! Oh, you got me. Oh, you got me, yeah. No, I really like Coleman Hawkins, Ben Webster. Oh, and early Coltrane, before he got clean. Yeah, no junk, no soul.

Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's mother agreed not to press charges if you apologize. Hello, Lois. Hello, Claire. We just came by because there's something Peter would like to say to Kyle. - Go on. - Sorry. Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry. Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted. - Good.

STEWIE: Oh, my God, yes, that is tasteful. Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to? Yeah. Make it out to Charmin, because that's how I'm going to use it. "Charmin." Is that with an "S-H" or... Wait a minute. That's not nice. You're saying my book is fecal matter.

Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days.

Happiness isn't about buying expensive things, it's about being together. It's not about taking expensive trips. It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm. And we have that kind of happiness, Peter. Real happiness because we have each other.

The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared. Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't!

Oh, you like role reversal? Okay. Wait. What are you doing? (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Come on! Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop. Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop! I need a plastic bag.

Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants! You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it.

Then they pulled my legs out and threw them over there.

(PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?

Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage!

Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

And here comes whackadoo film director, Oliver Stone. Oliver's here promoting his new movie, Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July, which he promises will be even July-ier than the original. A dangerously insane human being.

(GASPS) I can see the top of the mountain. Let's move it!

We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago. - Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure. (GASPS) (ALL GASPING) How was Cancun?

Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!

I read the play Stewie wrote.

Come to think of it, how did this get in my wallet in the first place?

- PETER! - What? Are you sleeping on the job? No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

You're a poop-nose.

That leg is mostly pus.

Hey, there, everybody. Was somebody looking for a son with a bright new path to adulthood and his very, very proud dad? Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. Aren't you handsome? From now on, I plan on being a real father to Dylan, and together, we are gonna turn his life around.

Is it "son died" tomato?

(SCREAMING) Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista.

I'm just gonna watch British porn.

Wow, my favorite. PB and J with the crusts cut off. - What did you get? - Your crusts. That's it? No. I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.

so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out.

Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic.

Ah! That's better. So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over? Mom! Come on, Jeff. Let's go in the other room. Now Meg, no need to get so testes-- Uh, Testy! Oh, Nuts! I mean crap! You want to sit down? Wait a second! Don't sit down yet! Dad, what are you doing?

but your grandfather died. (HISSING) (SCREAMING)

He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman?

That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.

All right, boys, pack up the dough and get out of there. Joe, stop! Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to try to talk some sense into you. Do you really want to go through with this? I have to, Lois, for my family. I don't know where else to get $20,000. But you know Daddy'll find out.

now you really are the big man of the house. Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.

Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

And Bonnie said you are very pretty. But I... How did that come up? Oh! You know, we were talking about pretty people. And I said Rachel Maddow, and she kind of took the baton from there and said Meg Griffin. Who's Rachel Maddow? - A model. - Oh. Yeah.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything!

And it's Dianne Wiest. All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood. Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids to witness the plight of the Rebellion. Kids, you noticing all this plight? Roll 'em up!

(OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here. But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs? That's not your concern. You didn't see anything. Remember that, or I'll ruin you.

(MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

I don't ever want to see you again.

Point Break! That was the movie! Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver, and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life. Don't you understand? I lost the perp! I lost the perp! oh!

Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!

Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

I missed you so much. Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake? So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog.

Drive. Any particular direction? That way. You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town.

You got to get a little rough!

Oh, my God! We did it! Hey, Peter, what are you gonna tell Lois when she asks where you were tonight? Don't worry, I got it all covered. (BRAYING) (BRAYS IN REPLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!

What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead.

Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin. A few years ago, we did an episode called "Viewer Mail" where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock,

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA

Hey, Charles Bronson's wife. Scooch over. I want to cuddle.

Hey there, little fellow. What's that around your neck? Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.

You won't be hurting anyone anymore. I just can't believe he's gone. (Pastor) Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. Daddy, I'm gonna miss you. Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too. But you're makin' a scene. All our friends are here.

Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that.

PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

Uh, yeah, 2 mutton joints, please. Oh! Thou wishes to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine. Listen, you freak. We don't all watch Frasier, ok? Now Give me 2 mutton joints. Thank you.

It's time that you take an interest in your son. Starting today, I want you to spend more time with Stewie. Okay. You can make a box fort. See? Here's a box. You can pretend it's a fort. Actually, that sounds like fun. I want this. I'm king in here. Peter, maybe Stewie would like to play fort, too. No!

Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard!

Cowboy butt sex

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

You want to go out? No? Okay.

Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia. This is fantastic. This is even better than they said it was in the brochure. Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig, but, come on, we're on vacation. Exactly. Don't hate yourself. We're on vacation, right? Yeah. I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid. Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,

(SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING) Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.

Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!

Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House.

Because, Peter, you've been making me feel old and fat and unattractive and worthless. How do you expect me to respond? Lois, I think you're the most beautiful woman I ever seen in my life. Well, but then why have you been saying all these horrible things? Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless.

(PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl!

I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

- I can't get wet. - Oh.

HEy, Were you there when I farted?

A cool name to say with a French accent is Ashton Kutcher.

Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way.

Jesus. And she's coming to town!

Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.

Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning. Like a dairy cow. Oh, yes! Yes!

(PANTING) Stewie, what's going on? Aren't you supposed to be at daycare? I escaped. What happened to your arm? I finally stood up for all of us and told Miss Emily we should be given a proper lunch and not just what's left over from her Baja Fresh. And she said I shouldn't raise my voice and pulled me really hard into the other room, and my arm came out of its socket.

That ought to show you!

I was giving a piano lesson. Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man. Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too.

Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade," as it's pronounced, Brian, as long as I see fit! Oh! Oh! Shh!

My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it!

Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup. Oh, wait a minute. It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail!

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Well, it just goes to prove that even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychopathic killer. Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood. When we all see each other at school on Monday, are we still gonna be friends?

(Brian) What do you think?

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

Now you've got it!

Whoa! What planet is this? It's not a... Peter, its Earth. It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr. Swanson? Thank you. Hey, Dad. This came in the mail for you.

Oh, that was someone I met from class. Bettina. Ooh, that's way too fancy a name for her. Her name should be "Thud" or "Oof."

(GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries. What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr. Griffin, what did you expect? They have 100 lawyers, and you tried to bribe me with a subscription to Grape Soda Today, which I already have! Case dismissed.

Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie! And This is the back yard. Feel that? That's premium blue-tip Bermuda. Real hardy, but soft. Oh! Good lord! Don't look directly into it, Lois. The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got? I've got Busch.

Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya

So, Dylan, shouldn't you be in school? I don't know. - It's Wednesday. - Up yours! Nice kid. Say, Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a 13-year-old son when you yourself are only seven?

Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted. Yeah. How'd you know he was bluffing? Well, When he lies, he blinks twice. I fIrst noticed it when he did that Barbara Walters interview,

(ROARING) But through all of it, Carter never forgot to write to me daily to send his love along with a mix tape.

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream.

But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting.

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

Oh, that was great! Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus.

(GASPS) Eli. Eli? What are you doing here? I could not let you leave without me, Meg. I love you. I love you, too. Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers. (URGES HORSES) Yeah! Choke on that, nerds.

Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat. There you go.

Lois, I'm just having fun. You're playing with fire. Look, no marriage is perfect, but Joe's the man you gave your life to, and besides, you have a little girl. You really want to be setting this kind of example? (SIGHS) I guess you're right, Lois. It's just that sometimes I feel like I don't even know Joe anymore.

I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin! Dear God, this is where we're sleeping? Oh, Come on, Lois. They said they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow. And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois.

Wow. You know, I guess a dad couldn't ask for more than that. I'm proud of you, Dylan. My life will never be the same for knowing you. Goodbye and good luck. Goodbye, Dad. Come on, Mom. Let's go.

It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld! I never saw that episode! I have a voice. Do you understand that? A writer needs a voice, and I have one. You don't.

and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens?

(WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam. Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung.

I think maybe you should keep 'em. All right, I'll see you guys later. I got to go see the forensics team about the pharmacy. Don't you worry, Mort. We'll get to the bottom of this. I don't like this, you guys. This is bad. Joe's gonna find out, I just know it. Geez, Quagmire, you need to relax. And I know how to help.

Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. But when their trail had led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up, much the way the world had given up on them.

Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)

Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter. Come join us. Oh, okay! (SNAPPING) All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy...

Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, l-Let's sit down and talk about this. I want to believe you, but-- Ugh! Gotcha! But--But seriously, you can trust me.

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.

I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name!

I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house! Excuse me. We were about to use that. You snooze, you lose, lady. You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym,

Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything? What? No, I was just... Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything. Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004. That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11. (SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island.

Oh! Well, it's probably for the best. There are way too many elderly comedians out here in the snow. This may smell bad, kid, but it'll keep you warm.

Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy?

What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!

Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.

Well, that's what I tried to tell you, but you were as stubborn as a pigeon at an ad agency. (CHATTERING INDISCERNIBLY) Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, these are all good ideas, but I think what people really get excited about is dropped museum popcorn. But this is an ad campaign for a Nissan SUV.

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail. Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death. What the hell is this? It's a boy! Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine!

Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy. Yet, somehow, things didn't work out. My objective is to figure out why. I don't know. The word "self-absorbed" comes to mind. And pretentious. Definitely pretentious. And he's got a big Eggo. Okay, we seem to have a theme going here.

Shut up, Meg. Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper. It's a mess up there. (CAR HORN HONKING) Brian, what is this? You're driving a cab? Well, Lois, I realized you were right.

My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese.

Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long--

I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!

Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great spot to get mugged. Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all my money out of both our wallets? Well, it's just good to have you guys here. Can I get you folks something to drink?

Listen, at least I wasn't trying to change the name of the school... to impress my girlfriend. Now that is not true. Oh, yeah? Then why did you pick Martin Luther King? Why not Ronald Reagan? He was always fun, especially in his later years. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down.

Now, I have to leave enough time... Talking to yourself? (EXCLAIMS) Brian! Hello! Stewie, I know you've been going back in time to embarrass me. (STAMMERING) Oh, what... Come on! Oh, okay, then where are you going now? (STAMMERING) Well, I have a very important mission. Uh-huh. Let me see that panel. No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't...

Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow.

Hi, Carl. Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? Are you, like, a bitch or something? No, I have friends. Oh.

Peter, you're alive. Brian.

Is it "what?" That's right. You win, Peter. You did it. Oh, my God! I won. I won! My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter.

Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died. (HISSING) (SCREAMING)

I--I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. Hi. Welcome to-- Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Excuse me, sir. I haven't even-- Oh! Oh, That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there. Peter! You think this is easy? You want to come up here and try this? I thought you'd never ask. Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this.

PETER: Hey Sandy. Sandy? SANDY: What? - What're you buying? - Some breakfast cereal. No, don't get that. That's a bad cereal. Get some of the Boo Berry.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week? (CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay.

"for circumstance had bound her to my best friend,

Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. (PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant.

Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner. I do, because I'm her father, and she's 16. What are you, like 38? Forty-one. (HUNGRY EYES PLAYING)

Hey, Guido, watch this. Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.

I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run!

Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am.

Look, why don't you just beat it? All right, all right, relax. I'll just, I'll be this guy over here. That's He-Man. We're playing Transformers. Well, maybe this is the one where He-Man visits. Brian, how is He-Man supposed to get to Cybertron? Hey, "Up, up, and away," right? He-Man doesn't fly.

I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE! Uh, Sorry, Stewie. A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.

Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times. Yes, valid points you're raising, my friend, and I respect you for raising them. But may I ask you a question? Okay. Have you ever read anything I've written? Well, no, I haven't.

Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie. Sweet, we are out of here. Now I can do what I planned to do this morning.

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Come on, everybody, over the fence. Ah, yes, a fence. The cripple's natural enemy. I think we lost him. There they are. Quick! Into the sewer.

How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.

I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts. He... He did it to you, too? I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation.

Damn it, he's in the garbage again. Oh, my God! Come on! Get out of the trash. Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

you heathen dummy?

Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg. Here we go.

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee!

Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset.

Make fun of his wheelchair. What? What? Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair." Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair. What's that supposed to mean? Say, "I bet you can't get a boner." I bet you can't get a boner. That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one.

Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen?

Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street?

Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone.

Peter, I think Lois might be having a midlife crisis. Come on, dudes! Who wants to hop in my wheels, and head to the beach for some ultimate Frisbee? Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you. I can't... I can't do that.

(IT'S A SUNSHINE DAY PLAYING) I think I'll go for a walk outside now The summer sun's calling my name

What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look.

Happy birthday, Mom.

(CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

I mean, he's got, like, one good song. Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible.

- How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson? - Griffin. I can't find the on-ramp, Woody. He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV.

I know how to do the snaps.

Holy crap! It is real!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS) (GROWLING)

So it's just not working out, me being a father. And that's why I'm wondering if you and Lois would be willing to adopt the baby. Oh, boy, Quagmire. I don't know that we can do that. We can barely take care of the two we have. Now, now, this is just a suggestion. Just throwing it out there. Have you considered abortion?

What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.

Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence. (GLASS SHATTERS)

Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Peter! I had a juice before we left.

Hey, how do you like that, Lois? We're gonna live! Peter, what did you mean by what you said? You hate being around the kids? Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad?

All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God.

What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star. Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back?

Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

How the hell'd you do that?

Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking, when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that.

That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No! Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes. I didn't take my sneakers off I'm still Sneakers O'Toole

Ok, there she is. That is, That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight.

Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good.

She's a beautiful little girl, Glenn. Have you given her a name yet? Yeah, I named her Anna Lee, but I'm probably just gonna call her Annal for short. That's funny. Thank you.

You wouldn't kill me, would you?

Nice job, man! Wow! That was really brilliant. Thanks. Just glad this nightmare is over. And I'm really glad I didn't kill the wrong Stewie.

Well, I'm going down to The Beautiful People's Club. guess I can take him with me. Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

Nah, nah Family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, edited for goats. KHAN: Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet.

(SCREAMING AND WHOOPING) (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, he is so adorable. I could just bite him and eat him up. I know, he's perfect. He's like a boy and a girl. I know! Now let's get back to screaming at this child in a way that reminds all men why we can never be President.

(MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go.

Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty! This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement.

Dad, can you teach me how to sumo wrestle?

Peter, you don't want to get involved with the Mob. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen. Butt out, schlomo. All I need is your address.

Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

You know, she bought me something yesterday, but i--I am not going to tell you what it is. I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes.

(DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

STORM TROOPER: What happened? We had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly all right. We're fine. We're all fine here now. Thank you. How are you?

Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darth Twitty. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - (THE GAMES THAT DADDIES PLAY - PLAYING)

Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again? I'm busy. I set up a video camera last night, so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real. And I want to see what I got.

You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake. (Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore.

HOST: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again, they never stop. Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well, that's crazy, just trying to scare us. And if that weren't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job.

The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I? What's going on? Greetings, everyone. My name is Stewie Griffin. I've transported you all here against your will. I'm a huge fan, and you're going to answer all my questions. But you're a baby. Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby.

When did you throw your medal over the White House fence? (STUTTERING) No, I told you, I flew to D.C., ditched the medals, and flew home. I guess that was just his dirty hobo penis, huh? Kevin, why would you want to get rid of your war medals like that? 'Cause it was a stupid war, you know? All it did was put me in a coma and kill one of my bunkmates and cripple the other one for life. (STAMMERING) Wait a minute.

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now.

What are you doing? You said you were using the skull as an athletic cup. I was, but don't you remember, I threw it in the garbage? Oh. - So, you're not wearing it now? - No. That's, uh, pretty much just me you're grabbing. That's how my old scoutmaster shakes hands. Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up.

"and I think it's gonna be A long, long time "till touchdown brings me round again to find "I'm not the man they think I am at home "oh, no, no, no

That if they should so desire to create a little fire They could reach across her nose and give each other a kiss

Can't we just do something fun here at the house?

And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today. My friend Peter. Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary! Let's give him a hand, folks.

I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say. What are your demands?

You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa!

in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Yay! What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and that's what you come up with?

we have to enter the other realm and get him ourselves. Lois, I told you it ain't safe. I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that. Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact? Yeah! We're starting a rumor! Wait a minute. Chris, are you clapping? Yeah! - So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot. You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours.

Let me see that.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

Chris, can I see you in the kitchen for a sec? PETER: (WHISPERING) Your writing partner is out of her mind. CHRIS: (WHISPERING) Okay, first of all, stop calling her my partner. PETER: She's terrible. She's terrible. I know that. But then you know what? It's not fair. CHRIS: What? PETER: It's not fair to her. Well, that's sort of a cop out. PETER: Having her here is not fair to her. CHRIS: Dad, if you want to fire her, you go ahead and fire her. But don't pretend you're doing it for her benefit. Don't put that on me. She's firing herself. CHRIS: It's on you.

Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever.

(SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run!

The worst idea anyone ever had was silver bullets. Barbara Liebowitz's husband just bought her a diamond broach. You know how he afforded that? He uses regular bullets. He uses regular bullets.

That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police!

Meg is my least favorite of all your children.

But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Ow! Oh, Now I don't know math.

This is in none of the songs or poetry. It's a horror show up here! How could you let this happen? Me? I didn't do this. Christmas did!

But, Daddy, if you don't do what they say, they'll kill me! Sorry, pumpkin. You know we don't negotiate with kidnappers. Family policy. Daddy, no! Please! Please! She'll be all right. Come on. What do you say? Well,

Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment. Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us. If we can endure the pain of childbirth, just imagine what else we're capable of! Right on. Go girl. Wah, wah, wah! Come on. It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt?

Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school?

Oh! They're sending him in. Yay, Chris! Atta boy, Chris! Hey, uh, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad? Because you don't have a bottom, son. Ah! Yeah, man. You and that towel are representiN'. Yo! that's what's just fightin', G!

I'm sorry, but I can go no further. What? Why not? If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with. Good luck, brave travelers. No! We were so close.

Here, let me stroke your hair. Thank you. I want to do gay things for you. I... I crave your groin. Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible. Enough! Kiss each other.

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you

Hey there, buddy. Check it out. Check it out. I put a cruller in the Jerry's Kids jar. I thought that would be funny. That is hilarious, but, Carl, I want you to hire my sister back. No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass. I don't want her back in here. Well, that's a shame, because I watched Event Horizon last night.

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here.

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..."

Ugh! What the deuce? Well, It seems you're out of ammunition. As are you, Stewart! You know my name! I know many things. - Indeed. - Quite. Yes. Mmm.

- Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time. - You people knocked me off the modem. - When are you coming home? How's the food in South America? Do the women there have exposed clitterati?

I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed

No! She'd ruin it!

Uh, well, no. But how about this? You can have the apple and the raisins and the cheese and crackers with the little red stick. I don't... I don't know how that's candy, but...

We love you, Lois! Whoo! Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night. Or do you? "Or do you?" She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she? Are you a woman? No. My house arrest is over, Brian. Round up the guys.

People, people! I know what will make us feel better. Let us sing the NAAFP anthem. Stand up, all fat men Stand up straight Stand up because no chair Can hold your weight

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to the NBA Playoffs on TNT. And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs.

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society? Yes, it is. What's the secret password? Mustache. All right. Come on in. Good afternoon, mustache wearers. Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet. There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache.

Isn't Christmas magical?

Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm.

(CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck?

What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

And I didn't cheat. Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that.

Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Got it! We'll rob a train. Love it.

ln sadder news, the man who held the Guinness World Record...

Oh, Adam, I'm so sorry! Carol, I love you and I can't live without you. Please, never let this happen again. I won't, Adam. You're the only mayor for me.

Last night, Lois was the man!

Don't wait up, boys. I like him. Really? He seems kind of lame. But, I guess every girl has her own version of Prince Charming. I'm in love with Paul. I'm in love with John. You know what? I'm in love with Ringo. What? Um, I said... I don't know what I said.

Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME. Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door. I know. I've admired you in the garden from afar. Will you go out with me? I'd love to. Oh, he's gay. You wish!

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

Hey, Lois, did you say something? Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake. None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina. That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine.

Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I hope you know I love you, Dad.

Thank God you know CPR.

Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.

Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall. The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it. Go!

Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal. And remember, life is full of entrees, so don't fill up on bread. I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon.

Yeah. Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro. Hey, who's the director, Brian?

(SCREAMS) Sheldon. What are you doing? Get back in your bowl where you belong. Well, long as I'm up, I might as well go spit in Lois's mouth.

Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries. Uh, if--If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? 'cause, you know, i--I don't wanna be the only one eating them. I'll feel like a fatty.

Oh, What the hell.

Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt Light a fire and pee it out Don't like it, kiss my rump Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump

He's got my neck! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! My dog is dead! Maybe that's why he was tied up.

Peter, take a look at your daughter. Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. It was 20 years ago. I'd never even heard the word "rubber"....

and honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.

Reach for the sky, dirt bag! What the hell? I'm sorry, Officer. I was just trying to feed my family. I don't care what you were trying to do, you broke the law. I know. I didn't know what else to do. I have three very wide-eyed children to feed.

Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.

Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING) Brian, you might want to look outside.

Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.

Welcome to the wonderful world of magic. Hope I don't get AIDS.

I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art, and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours. $10, $2, $7, $4, $5.50, $10. Sold. Sucker. I would've gone to $15, easy. I am so stupid.

Daddy, there's something I need you to do for me.

I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Peter, I want you to meet your family. You're my family? That's right. These are your children. Dad, I'm Chris. I'm your son. Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!

You can't hit me! I'm a girl!

A big day at Fenway today, as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six. But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game. The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube. Comments ranged from sympathy all the way to racial slurs directed at others who chose to comment.

Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No! (BREATHES DEEPLY)

Look, Mr. B., if it's okay with you, I'd like to give my membership back to Carter. I'm sorry, Peter, but I just don't think Pewterschmidt is country club material. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to shoot Michael Stipe. (STIFLING LAUGH) Is that him in the corner? Yes, that is him in the corner. Is that him in the spotlight?

I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty

I love this place. I love dive bars. Dive bars are my favorite. They're so much better than regular bars because worse is better. I know, right? They're my favorite, too. I'm quirky like that. I've got quirky taste. I'm a quirky girl. It seems like we would be perfect for each other. But really, we're terrible for everyone.

I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott.

Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine?

Hey, you know what they say. See a broad, to get that booty, yak them. BOTH: Leg her down and smack them, yak them. Cold got to be. (BOTH CHUCKLING) Shit. If you'll excuse me,

I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.

(FAST-FORWARDING) And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so...

(ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap.

We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging.

Uh, Because I speak my mind and not everyone likes that. Uh, But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is.

I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in.

Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin! Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on T.V.?

Boo-ya! Triple salchow in your face! Hey, you want this? Huh? You want some of this? Oh, man, look at your rack. I'd motorboat that. I'd motorboat the hell out of it. Right after this layback spin.

Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear!

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing?

You know, you really are a good friend. Let me rub your belly. Put it back.

Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats!

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

Listen, apparently your son got into a little scrape with my kid. Oh, dear. They're not getting along? Like an old guy and a midget. Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you?

Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant. What?

Wouldn't you know it, it won't fit. Well, it's all right. How hot can it be? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter?

What are you doing? I'm on the john.

Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.

The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee." Where? Where does the rooster say that? The monkey goes, "Ma-cock." No, no, no, no, it does not. The elephant goes, "Fwaamp."

I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE!

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving.

I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! Cripple. Damn it!

We do not believe in such ostentations. Well, I am about to change your mind. Introducing rock 'n' roll. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I'm on a highway to hell Highway to hell

Reunited and it feels so good Doin' someone that you used to do That's what this song's about You could find someone else

Well, Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party outta your ass, you'll want to stand up. Dad My friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with her friends. Can I go? Oh, no. I won't fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother? Yes. Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart.

No! I don't wanna! Griffin! You have sex with me or you're fired. Fine! Fire me! I'm through being harassed by you! You know, this is awful timing, but I remembered part of the reason I came over was 'cause my cousin is looking for a job at the brewery.

That's the thing about hunting. You gotta be patient.

Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.

Holy crap! No way! (LAUGHING) I know, huh? Classic. (CLICKS) I got to forward this to my bud. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (LAUGHING)

And you're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show. I want to take a moment to give a shout-out to my good friend Ken Lay, faked his own death, listening in on a ham radio somewhere in international waters. Smooth sailing, Kenny boy. Hey, Rush? Is it okay to hang out in here?

Look, Ezekiel, we would love to go back to the city, believe me. I haven't had a drink in three days. But our car broke down. We can't go anywhere until it gets fixed. I have arranged to have that taken care of.

Dear God, this place is nightmarish. Look at the offensive way they draw Jewish people.

So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose. Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.

Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay? (GROANING) If one more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream.

Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

There you go. A half pound of honey maple turkey, sliced thin. I wanted a duplicate key made. You have a good one. Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on? Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap. Well, you can't fight City Hall. Oh, we'll see about that!

Look, it's no big deal.

- (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?

It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Wait a minute. Meg, when did you become a teenager? She's 16, Peter. You knew about thiS? Welcome to your new Foster home. Baby Stewie, say hello to your new brothers and sisters.

Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're gonna get hurt. Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job. Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy.

Where are we going? Son, it's too late for me, and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit. We're gonna take you down to that synagogue and turn you Jewish! Ok! Chris, duck!

Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and." My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took... that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company. Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited.

and the sandbox is our summer home.

SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom! Not now! Okay. (EERIE SILENCE)

ahh! And plunged them down a thousand feet below to the Land of the Lost

Um, This is a song I've been singing for a number of years. And, I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by. Hungry eyes I feel the magic between you and I ooh, I'm hungry for you, baby.

Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut! I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg? Oh, well,

Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up.

I swear, I felt like I was waiting for Lois to get off the phone. That is amazing. All right, Bonnie. Well, it was good talking to you. No way. She did? When did she say that? You know what? That doesn't surprise me. That's how she is.

Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt with you. Yeah? We love this pilot!

And now to present the award for Sickest Onscreen Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness, Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls. Yay, Jesus! That's my buddy, Jesus. Hey, it's a pleasure to be here with you six interchangeable women. Last time I was down here on Earth,

"Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.

you can drop me at the fire station, no questions asked. Well, well. Look who it is. Who is it? It's me, Peter. I'm standing right here. This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot.

Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it.

Oh, Peter, it was fun spending the day in bed with you. It sure was, Lois. Happy Valentine's Day.

'C-c-cause When I'm trying to speed things up in bed, I'm not thinkin' of Connie, I'm thinkin' of Phoebe. Ok, This whole thing is ridiculous! I forbid you from going to that dance! You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom! End of discussion! Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you!

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done.

And today we're going to learn to use the potty.

When I set my mind to something, I am not easily deterred.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Sure, I do. Um...

So the very least you can do is just rub up against... I don't know.

Dharma, come down from that couch. Uh-uh, goofy. Why don't you come up? You know what? I think I will!

Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it.

Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy

That's right, I don't want to see any actual True Blood, just boob. Yeah, well, I found some. No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy. Jeez! You should know that, Joe! You should definitely know that!

Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove to you that that's a bunch of bull. Look around you. The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.

Chris, your father and I are very upset by this new attitude of yours.

What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

(LAUGHING) (BABBLING) Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw! Daddy, what are you doing? Look at the unicycle.

(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your lightsaber battle. The Force is with you, young Skywalker.

Come on, guys, what do you say?

(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

He's molested me many, many times. Sorry I'm late. I was busy doing innocent, non-molesty things.

That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over. ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation is brought to you by Sanka.

Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?

Well, I guess accidents happen when you least expect them. That's how come they call them accidents. Oh, look, you got the community events corkboard wedged in your grill. There, that's better. Don't you all forget to sign up for the Quahog Community Talent Show. Talent show? Oh, Peter, that could be fun.

Lois, you're not gonna believe this! Meg just said "Da-Da!" Her first words? Then she stood up by herself and started walking! Her first steps? Yeah. What the hell are you doing in here anyway?

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire. Hey, let's have a drink with them. You've never touched a drop, Peter. You don't even know those guys. Those are your friends over there. Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down?

I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Ouahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us. Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. Here's the reaction from city hall.

You should be a producer.

(BUZZING) It's me. I'm Gossip Girl.

Well, what did he say? He said he'd think about it. Okay, so where were we? Okay. f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good.

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse!

Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual don't mind comin' in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine.

Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people.

I never wanted anyone like this

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you! Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

(GROANS) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) Where am I? Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society.

Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money!

It's nice to meet you, Martin. Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable.

Dear Diary, today at the school library, I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman with nipples that cover most of her breasts, too. And, suddenly, I didn't feel so alone. You know what it sounds like to me? Sounds like the woman in that picture was pretty beautiful. All right, I'll see you at dinner. Think fast! Wow! Deodorant!

Come on, you can't even handle losing at checkers.

I don't believe this. Cleveland, you're sleeping with my girlfriend? Nobody told me Carolyn was your girlfriend. I'm not his girlfriend. Carolyn, what are you talking about? We've been dating for three weeks. Well, you never made a move on me, so I thought you just wanted to be friends. Then I met Cleveland, and things just kind of took off.

Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

- You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes.

All right Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around. Oh--Oh, no. Head... hunters. Ahh! Am I fired? Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night? Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane,

(BOTH SHOUTING) And here we thought the weed was inspiring us. Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad. But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC,

Maybe we'll do it another time.

weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key. LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years. Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger.

These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. This is hot! Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you.

Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I should be ready to go again in a little bit here. Don't worry, if I need help, I'll just fantasize about that Victorian stripper.

Um, Hi. Can I help you? Yeah, Some company hired me to stand next to you all day, so you'd look better by comparison. That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah! Surprise! Uh, Everything looks the same.

Damn these worms. Ow, this itch.

This isn't The Price Is Right. You said we were going to The Price Is Right. Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass.

Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything. Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough.

- Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all.

You make a small incision in the scrotal skin Isolate the vas and Isolate the vas and then you Roll it in position with a towel clamp Then you snip the fibrous tissue Then you snip the fibrous tissue Hey, then you'll never have to wear a condom

An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!

Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine.

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you.

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you.

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes.

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of.

(GROANING) Joseph, my water just broke! - It's time! - Oh, my God! Please, you've gotta have some place for us! We're desperate! Well, there's a manger out back. You can stay there. That's fine, that's fine! We'll take it!

It's a glorious day. Hey, Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Hmm. Whiskey.

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my... Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day.

John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John? You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other. All right, I know how to settle this. Whoever wants the money raise your hand! Ho! Ho! You're smarter than I thought. Give yourselves a round of applause. Damn!

Is there a bathroom in here? I've been yo-yoing a turd for the last 20 minutes.

Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. I wonder what came over uS? Maybe people are just naturally violent. I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence.

You can't just pretend to be something you're not. Yes, just ask Edward Scissorhands.

What am I going to do, Seamus? Dr. Hartman is my only hope, and there's no way he's going to see me.

I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him.

I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg. I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is... I'll never forget you. (SIGHS) I am sorry there has been conflict between us.

It's not a mask. I have the mumps. What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this. (SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her.

Daggermouth is the meanest, most ruthless creature that's ever inhabited the sea. Legend has it he dwells out by Fish Stench Cove. He'll kill any man that comes near there. I saw him once. Sure I'm blind in one eye, and my other eye was infected that day from picking at it, and I was tired,

STEWIE: So, Obi-Wan, we meet again. What part of, "Stay 50 yards away "at all times," don't you understand? Uh-oh! Your powers are weak, old man.

Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture, you're workin' during the day. They got time to bump uglies. That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy. Lois would never cheat on me. I trust her completely.

What is it, Glenn? Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me? Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire. DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail.

Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!

I could put you in the storage freezer. That'll work.

I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now. Lois, if this is your idea of a joke,

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Mrs. Janetti. I'm here to pick up Stewie.

Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes.

What a grievous breach of security! Damn! What do to? Wait For it... Wait for it... Yes! Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething, it might just be possible to reverse time's heady flow and undo ever having drawn those damnable blueprints. You'll never get away with this!

I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom. Look, there he is. Dad, how could you? Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail, can we go in your room?

I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

(GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING) All right, now, I've been trying to figure out something we can do together, and I think I've found it. We're gonna sing a song. Now, I'll start, and when I point to you, you'll sing your part. Ready?

You're not the first person to get fired. Look, uh, Louis, the French people really want to thank you for your services as king. But it's just not working out and we've decided to go another way. So... (SLICING) Yeah.

Victory is mine!

Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God! Oh, man, I am screwed! I'm gonna lose my house, and my boat, and everything. How am I gonna come up with $50,000 by tomorrow?

Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.

ooh! th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh.

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?

We promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly. But I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt. Do you want to split a Toblerone? Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. Next stop, my thighs!

Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world? Uh, Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out. Now, it's time for bed. Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you. (WHISPERING) You're awesome.

Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go.

Look, listen, Sarah, I can't be in your club. I'm not a lesbian. You can't be serious. We had a whole party planned for you. Really? A party, for me? - But I guess if you're not a lesbian... - Wait, wait. You didn't let me finish. I'm not a lesbian. I'm a super, huge mega-lesbian.

Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy!

I used to think that John Lennon was kind of a jerk for saying The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but now, I mean, it's like, I'm not saying I am, but I get it. You know, now that we have two minutes to kind of let the dust settle,

Yeah, it's a wonderful dinner. And on this beautiful new china. You guys have a lot of new stuff. Yeah, Lois has been splurging her ass off. Yeah, she has. You know, she bought me something yesterday, but i--I am not going to tell you what it is. I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes. It's a soccer horn. I know what it is!

Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this!

That's his character. That's how... I mean, he's that kind of... No! Forget it. Forget it. You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it. Let's just do something else to make money. And we will be back. Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault.

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already?

Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot left foot, right foot

I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business. (IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No!

Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, thank you. Thank you.

(AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) Euthanasia for the mentally feeble. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE MURMURS) ANNOUNCER: Das Ist Gut is filmed before an audience of the mentally feeble.

And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.

and I am now a confident 6'3",

Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here.

I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. There's no conflict in this movie!

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you.

"Man, was last night weird! "I kissed a boy. But the truth is, I really like him as a friend. "His name is Sam."

All right, now Kids, I don't want anyone swimming in this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty. Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Just this morning, I went to Kentucky. WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead!

It was "kitty"! Peter, isn't that-- Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet! How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add...

Damn you all! Victory is mine!

They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not!

Hi, can I help you? I want... I want that one.

I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will. Earth angel, earth angel

Who wants to sing show tunes? In old... Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now. Fine.

Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit?

Would you ever have one? Never!

REAGAN: Well, I remember the time I invited Ed Sullivan to the White House. He sounded a little something like this. (MIMICKING ED SULLIVAN) Hey, Ron. Tonight, we got a really big show. Reagan does impressions.

I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts. No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.

Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that! Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock. King Louis XI. Tim, select.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing? Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? I--I died a little inside, yes. You happy now? Don't you use that tone of voice, you... What were you-- What were you going to say? "Fat ass"? "Wide load"? "Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"?

Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad.

Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!

Guys, I got some great news! My dad's coming to visit. (EXCLAIMS) Hide the women! So, we're finally gonna get to meet the man of a thousand vaginas. That's right. You think I've been with a lot of broads. My dad's eaten more pie than Kirstie Alley. (LAUGHING) What?

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Well, it just so happens that separation of church and state is something I'm actually gonna cover in my next book, God. Period. Damn it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) What does that mean?

Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary.

Hey, you. Uh, hey, Ryan. Bad time? Um... Perfect time. Come on in. I was just oiling my legs. So, hey, what's on for tonight? You know, my dentist leaves his office unlocked. I was thinking we could do some nitrous and then have dinner in there.

and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out!

Well, I... I love you, too, Stewie. You give my life purpose. And maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another. Thank you. Hey. What?

You're in big trouble, mister.

You got another one, dude. Plutonium! H-He is real! He's really, really real! So, uh, Peter, Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? You bet. A week's vacation, a new V.C.R., And best of all, my own copy of K.I.S.S. Saves Santa.

God, you're so smart. How about this one? "QM2"? I'm not sure what that is. It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome. You're such a cutie patootie. If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie. Aw!

confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things. You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a 17-year-long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago.

Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen.

(ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

A Woody? I'm up for a Woody?

Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts."

Okay, this is so eff'd up right now.

Damn. What is it about golf that always brings out the worst in me?

I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open

Mommy, look at the ladybug! Ahh!

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape. You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh?

Of course, of course. Well, here they are, Brian. My test results. Read them and weep. Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded. Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy... have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results?

But today's breaking news is that the New England Toy and Game Company has issued an immediate recall of all of its stuffed bears, like the one shown here. The bear's eyes can become easily detached and pose a potential choking hazard. Oh, my God, that's the same teddy bear Stewie has. We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this.

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes. How much would you pay for laser eye surgery?

I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

I could not find the clock. (GROANS) But you got three of them on the wall over there. Yes, those are mine. Oh. Yeah, I need those. Uh-huh. I just don't know why you said it, then.

Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones.

He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..."

Every president, every CEO, every douche bag named Ryan Seacrest. The Skull and Bones Society has been a part of my family for decades, and we want you to become a member. - Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent. You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet.

Hey, Open up in there! Hey, What are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world! I'm here to keep you from making an error. A pilot error. Jeez, I probably shoulda worn mittenS! Nice going, fat-- Hey, hey, I was just trying to save your lives.

please vote for Lois Griffin.

Wait a second. You were born in 1948?

Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose! Oh, Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it! You see--You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the W.N.B.A.

What's wrong with the TV?

Now we want Justin's candy. What? You heard me. Take Justin's bag of candy and pour it into Stewie's.

What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy. Yes, yes. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry. Whatever you say. mama's boy. Blast!

which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg.

(WIND BLOWING) What? Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend.

I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here? Well, I heard you're the new Nielsen family.

You just stay away from me, you psychopath. Hey. Ow!

(STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING)

If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)

You said it yourself! I'm the boss! He said I, too, was the boss. And it's time Cleveland got his duE. Joe, my feet are starting to swell. You two go home. I can stay here as long as it takes. You'd be amazed how little you have to eat when your legs don't work. There's only one way to settle this. Russian RouletTe.

Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad. No--No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late.

Oh, my God. Okay. How many ones? I'm not giving you quantities of the numbers,

Morning, Mr. griffin. Nice day. Ah, It's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie. I hate this tie. It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go. And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.

(WATER RUNNING) Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time!

But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!

Can you believe it, Cleveland? Lois thinks I'm bad with money. She's got a point, Peter. You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money. Hey, Hey, guys and dolls! Drinks are on do-re-me! Ha! Ha! Oh, Where'd you get that? Oh, This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, Ian Greenstein, heh!

I can fly! OH, My God! ahh! Ugh! I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns.

So, really saturate the soil twice a day. That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.

Uh-uh. No. Neither did the miller when he left his house that morning.

- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?

Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are. As someday it may happen That a victim must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list Of society offenders Who might well be underground

Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face

(BELLS CHIMING) Ice cream truck!

I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl. (GROWLS) I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl. Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope. The end.

God! You're more clueless than Popeye. Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear.

How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

My God! I'm a tomato!

That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinky prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore.

Peter, Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here. Yeah. Let's hit the bar, huh? Oh, Come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs. Oh, He's behind the door! Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something.

Nine Southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States. The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement.

And, I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by. Hungry eyes I feel the magic between you and I ooh, I'm hungry for you, baby. Come on. Walk with me. Talk with me.

Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.

- Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just....

Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.

Improv? Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv!

Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers! Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night. Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me.

Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun. Brian, what is this on my shoe? My poop. That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom.

Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart.

But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed. Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! TOM: I don't care, Son. I just do not care.

All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had. And you've had some pretty stupid ones. Hi, there. Peter Griffin.

I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too.

I--I guEss-- I guess the best advice I got was from Marty Scorsese. Um, you know, I was having a problem understanding why I'd be taking abuse from this--this lower- ranking officer played by Chris O'Donnell. And--and--and--And he told me, "You don't have to understand it. "Your character does." Oh, That always stuck with me.

Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and wrangle me a 3-way with the Olsen twins.

What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know?

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.

Here's Little Richard with Piano Riff Woo. (PIANO PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC) Woo!

You guys thought Joe was something.

You've seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me plotting my escape. You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too.

Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE?

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter.

All right, I'm gonna go knock out that tractor beam. And we'll go rescue the princess. You know, Luke, this may be the last time we see each other. So there's something I want you to know. Now I've had the time of my life

Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka. (MEN CHATTERING) I once knew a guy who was so Arab... How Arab was he? He was so Arab that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.

Did you see The Great Outdoors? No. You suck. Hey, I found the pool cues. (SCREAMS)

Well, that's a no-brainer. Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING)

One down. I know somebody who won't be having any--

Peter, this is truly a miracle. I'm so grateful. Hold that thought. Hey, boys, you're on. Go ahead, Dad. Thank you, Jesus. I have a purpose in life again. Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!

(BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens. (ALL SCREAMING)

You don't need Quagmire to like you. You only need one person to like you, and that person is you. And I'll tell you something else. I like you. Thanks. You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey.

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody.

- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.

Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do Madly Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night Huh? Did I tell you?

Dear God! I'll never get out of here in time! Move aside! I know a shortcut! MMm. Mmm.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

aah! That'll be $27.50.

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked!

if we should marry, that I could sit beside you? Yes, I think that would be fine. Get away from my wife, you rascal! Such language in the presence of a lady. If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

I'm gay. You are? Look, I really like you as a friend, but to be honest... I like Chris. What? Oh, for God's sake. I have a shoe appointment in the morning, and I want to be fresh! Yeah, the person I'm attracted to is your brother. Brother? Rupert, did you hear that?

It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What?

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.

I must be in quahog 'cause all I see is a bunch of hicks! Oh, You take that back, Macho Man Randy Savage! Oh, Don't he make you so mad - you just want to go down there and hit him? No. Well, maybe not him 'cause he's kind of big. But don't you want to hit the guy sitting next to you? Well, Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too. But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You jerk.

Whichever hetides you Life becomes a chore Unless you 're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to f ha ve James Woods

I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!

No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING) (WIND BLOWING) Stewie! What? I have to tell you about the future! What? I have to tell you about the future!

But I guess anyone can. Of course you can hit a girl in the face! They have faces, don't they? Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? You bet your ass I am. Look at you! You're pathetic. What kind of a man gets fired by a broad? A man with a female boss? Don't crack wise. Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line,

We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs!

like a non-praying mantis.

Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing. Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary. What'd I miss?

We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Fifteen minutes, Mr. Christ. Wow, Jesus, can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno? Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter.

Well, there it is. DREYFUSS: None of us could breathe. The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined. CLEVE: He's nasty. Out of my way, you little pip-squeaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body.

and Congress is considering a minimum-wage increase. Live by satellite to talk about it, Senator Harry Reid in Washington. How about it, Senator Reid? Is this the right move during the worst recession since the 1930s? Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track, we have to get more money in the pockets... But Republicans are saying this increase is gonna, in fact,

And you know that water slide in South Attleboro? (CHILDREN LAUGHING) Yeah! Water slide! Summer fun! It was the greatest day of my life, and I owe it all to alcohol.

Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm? I'll just pop it back in. You most certainly will not. I need to go to a hospital.

I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God!

Everything all right here? Fine, Officer. Just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there? What happened to your shirt? You know, just a pizza party at the office. Yeah? Where do you work? First Fidelity Insurance over on Wabossette Street.

(PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there.

I don't think you're a very good friend. I am not gonna listen to you anymore. Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty. And I just might reach into your brain and do this. Okay, I'll listen. That's my boy. Now, grab my bacon grease and slather me up some homeys.

(SNAPS) (POPPING) (HORN BLOWS) (YELPS) (GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING) Oh! I love this song! Hey!

(COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING) Man, I can't wait to get a Mercedes.

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp. (SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again,

Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive. Bring it on!

(EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money?

(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)

(DOOR OPENS) And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?

(GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment!

This is what I want our empire to be about. The first television broadcast. (PLAYING SERENE TUNE) And with only 30 seconds to go,

If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

is everybody pumped up?

We're having the time of our lives Take it, Dog! We're quite a pair of partners just like Thelma and Louise 'Cept you're not 6 feet tall Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees Give it time.

Trade house keys, bang each other's wives? Yep.

(KOKOMO PLAYING) STEWIE: Key Largo, Montego Baby, why don't we go down to Kokomo But not too fast 'Cause Stewie takes it slow (SNORING) Oh, crap. Stewie!

What if they bury her and she wakes up because she wasn't really dead she was only sleeping? Yeah. That's what happened to our big brother Jimmy. That's why Mom and Dad adopted you. What?

Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

Yes, and now that they think that you're their friend it's the perfect time to exact your revenge. Revenge? See Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks, and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out! Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip?

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car!

that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me?

I got a daughter of my own, you know.

Remember the time I sang to the kids at the Sunday school? Yes, and you forgot the wordS. Jesus loves me He loves me a bunch Because He always puts Skippy In my lunch No. It's not the same thing.

Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep. Elliot? Elliot, wake up. Elliot? (GASPS) (RINGING) Officer Swanson here. What? Oh, my God!

Joe, he's an android.

Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub? Oh, this is not a bathtub. This is the SS Pewterschmidt Kicker. This is ridiculous. I won't have a member of my family racing in a bathtub. Well, Daddy, you didn't want Peter in your boat... so team Griffin is gonna give you a run for your money.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING) I can almost hear the stillness As it yields to the sound of your heart beating

Yeah, but if you got your family to help you get through it, it's not quite as bad. And, hey, at least I get my old job back. You know, from now on, let's not complain so much. (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) PETER: Let's not complain. BRIAN: Let's be grateful, huh? Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?

Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter! Dad, you're pretty, like a girl. You look like a totally different person. Oh, This is crazy! You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your... Oh, my!

I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go.

Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime.

Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook! Get out.

You don't know where you are, but you like it. Uh-huh. You're watching the show. The ducks are saying stuff. You're yucking it up. You're laughing. Your sides are hurting. All of a sudden you realize you're feeling something, too. When did that happen? When did the Handiquacks become people I care about? When did they become like welcome guests in your home whose weekly visits the whole family eagerly awaits?

(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew! Hey, Fulcher.

don't know what that means, and community activist. Go, Dad. He can't hear you. Go, Dad! So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all!

Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I

Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy. You're an ass, you know that?

Each model train only heightens the pain of a workload that's draining and drilling us

now that he's lost his sight.

Ah! Okay. Thank you. (MUMBLING) Amazing grace How sweet the sound

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(SOBBING) Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian.

So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security? Do you think we should support what the President is doing? Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us. And truthishly, we should just accept that.

I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero.

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes. How much would you pay for laser eye surgery? $500, $700, $10,000?

Well, that might be overstating things a little. It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, Fox should be... - Give you $1 for this. - Sold. Brian, where's Rupert? I just left him here to watch my things. Uh-oh. What? Nothing, I haven't seen him.

What are you looking for? I'm expecting a very important package.

And, what... "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player? Stewie, this sweatshirt is so sophisticated. Look, it says "New York." People will think I'm from there. (LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God.

Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good. Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right?

As you can see, we have plenty of cabinet space for your plate. The oven, of course, is just decorative. Seems okay. Do you have any other units available? This is our only one. I hope you're happy, Marsha! (THUDS) We might have something upstairs. Sorry, Quagmire, but the only way around the law is if the woman consents to a divorce.

Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. Here's the reaction from city hall. Shocking to say the least. I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst. At least they believe in a God, even if it's a smelly brown God.

OlIvia? What are you doing here?

They got time to bump uglies. That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy. Lois would never cheat on me. I trust her completely.

Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt! Damn! Not even a second glance!

Hey, knucklebutts! BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods? (STAMMERS) But I don't understand! I thought you were dead! Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not. I don't believe you. God, is that true? God? God, are you there?

You know, the way you ruined my parrot. I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! Cripple. Damn it!

Oh, my God! Is she dead? No, I think she's still alive-- No, that did it.

Hey, Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs? I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?

Hold on, I'll get it. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! Who is it? I got it! - Morning, Peter. - Hey, Joe. Bonnie and I are having company tonight. Wondering if I could borrow some wet food. Yeah, sure thing. That's Joe. He's our local human catcher. So, don't misbehave or the human catcher will come after you, Gabe. My name's not Gabe!

We're looking for Muriel Goldman, honey.

You think I'd miss this party?

Give me that belly!

Negative reinforcement, that's the key. Right, stupid? (GROANS) I'll do better. So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button! (BEEPING) Stewie, no!

Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Hya! Yeah, Too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy.

My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja What the hell's wrong with you?

Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon. Oh, my God! Kimble was a hands-on director who frequently appeared in his own shows, most recently, Miss Saigon.

That awesome Thunder Cats cartoon.

(YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose? What? Yeah, exactly. "What?" Eyes front. (ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more. Peter, wait. I--

Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. Ah, So much rug burn! Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon.

She had cervical cancer five years ago. She's basically a boob on a leg at this point. Well, that's something. You're in a book club? Those are tough to get into. What? Well, I didn't even know the Fine Young Cannibals were still together. Eight-city tour? Well, I don't know if I can make eight, but I can certainly do six. What about Lois?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Robert Mitchum in Out of Shape In-Shape Guy from the '50s.

What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear!

Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened? Well, it was 1996. Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers east of Providence, which is mostly just open water, but still, I'd been undercover,

BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out.

The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot! It seems today

(SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you? They're your kids! I know, and I love them. But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom? (MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)

And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it! I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off? You let me worry about that, kitten.

Wow, Gilbert Gottfried.

Oh, God, what happened to my baby.

Model glue, sir? Well, what do we have today? Today we have a recent vintage procured just this morning from Michael's Hobby Shop. Yes, that's very nice. Bring me my finest rag. Your fancy rag, sir. You are relieved for the evening.

I like you. You like me? Oh! Oh, Well, it's not love, but it's a start! Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world!

You know, I'm up for this, but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.

Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body.

Oh, But you just got here! Oh, We can stay in touch, can't we? Oh--oh--oh, What's your e-mail? Mine is "loismustdie," all one word, "@yahoo.com." W-w-w-Wait a second. Death? I, uh, I used to fear ya, but now I'm glad we met. Because you've given me a great gift. The complete Boz Scaggs. How did you know? I just had a feeling.

Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh, Sean Hayes... Oh, You get the picture. - Please? - No! Ok. you know, Maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like-- Say, Would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us? He'd love to, Daddy.

What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

You're a two-wheeled monster!

Zip it, egghead. You with your big words and your small, difficult words. Wow. Any boy who would spend the night in that creepy place... ...sure would be the bravest fellow I ever met. That Lois is some kind of woman. Yeah. Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop.

Housekeeping. MAN: Come back later, please. Housekeeping? MAN: Not now! Housekeeping. MAN: Go away. I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No!

Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right.

Ha, ha. W-What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack-off a guy? 'Cause I'm marrieD.

Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag.

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

Hey, is it prescription or perscription? I think it's prescription. Prescription... That just feels weird in my mouth. Perscription is better. Oh, and there's the ER. Don't go in there unless you want everyone to yell at you.

Meg is my least favorite of all your children. It's all right. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? Okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk?

I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't. If I had known having a son could be like this... How dare you? I didn't know! You have no right, man. No right. It wasn't my fault. (CRYING) You weren't there for me. Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING)

Wow! You certainly are very persuasive. So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

I got a surprise for you. Doritos! Huh? Not now. Later.

"I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

(ALL CHEERING) Let the dumping resume!

'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat. ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. (THUDDING) (ALL GASPING) Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so unfathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers.

stop it! Stop it! Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake like the moon landing, and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor.

I'm home! Who are you? We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!

Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication.

it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond, as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after. Diane?

What happened to your shirt?

and have a wonderful time Is that it? Oh, No, no. It's, uh, And something, something all day Right? Oh, man! I've lost all faith in mankind. Music is dead to me now. Hey, now's our chance! Let's do it!

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy.

Boy, we really did a number on each other.

Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go!

(SPUTTERS) Arrest him! Arrest all three! These filths are making a mockery of our Reich.

Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God! Pope, the floor is not a hamper! Man!

Hello, friends. if you're watching this, I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute.

Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you? I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you. Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah! Suddenly, I'm not so fat, huh?

Peter, we need to talk about your son. The fat one or the funny-looking one? Dad called you fat. Wait. Stewie's really been acting out lately.

AUDIENCE: Das! Ist! Gut!

No, it's my husband. Well, you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television. Now, get out. Please, Doctor, you've got to help him. You took an oath when you went to medical school. I took a lot of things when I went to medical school. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this. Hello? Ah, Hartman.

- Dude, put your pants on. - Shut up.

Stewie, I need your urine! (GASPS) Really? Yeah. Joe is doing a drug test, and if I give him some of mine, he's gonna know I've been smoking pot. So I need some of your urine, so I can... Uh, you don't have to be naked for this. But I don't have to not be naked for it, either. Aha!

but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation. You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough! My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam."

I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. Sure! What did you learn?

He found it! Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!

Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball. I think it rolled up into my head. Look, just do the other one.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.

(AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton.

Yeah, we are. This was exhausting.

skip that traveler's insurance. That's a ripoff.

Yeah, You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you? Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh... the new Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00? Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot...

That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where. You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it. I had to ruin it?

What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie.

Why won't this card house stay up? Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought. (SNICKERS) That's gonna be his catchphrase. How did you afford that wood stove? Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove store and said, "Put it on my bill."

Ugh! What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover. Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse? You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get them open.

Boy, that's a lot of puke, Lois. I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party.

Is there any way you can describe that to me using colorful puppets of some sort?

All through the town

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

You know? I'll tell you who we are. The lucky ones!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

- Hi, Carl. - Hey, Bear. So, in the bear world are, like, pandas your version of interracial children? Yeah. Pandas aren't something I agree with. They're cute, though, right?

What's a SOB? Ah!

Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it. You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here! (GRUNTING) Hey! This punk's not worth it.

Magnolia Cupcakes? (SCREAMS) Rupert! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no! If he did this to you, I swear I'll kill him! And what's that box from Bloomingdale's doing here? I, uh... I don't know who this is.

Ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation. Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that? I've never seen anything like that before, a croissant with almonds on it. And could you bring me a beer? Oh! I feel so elegant. What are you going to have? You know what I'd really like? A piece of that.

Oh, my God! They're eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. That's crazy. They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.

I really just want to stick this up her ass. All right, I'll be the one to say it.

They're cutting off his penis in there! All right, all right. I mean, this is my dad we're talking about! Okay, okay.

Trying to get a straight answer out of a 23-year-old girl is complicated. So, do you want to go out some time? Out like go out or hang out, or just do something? Like a date. Like a date date? Or like a date? Both I guess. Yeah, sure, maybe. I don't know. Yes, no. Here's the first three digits of my phone number. E-mail me.

your birdhouse will be complete. Peter, you already do nothing around the house, and now you're wasting more time with this nonsense. Geez, you're still getting on my hump about this? I help out around here. Just this morning I changed Meg's diaper and I sent her off to school. Boy, can she kick, but she left here spotless.

(WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING) (CRYING)

(BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING)

Money, money, money

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids?

This is gonna be great. A whole evening with Lois! We are gonna have such a fun time. Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing?

(MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names.

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy. Fine, I didn't want to play anyway!

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing?

(MUFFLED TALKING) Easy, easy, man, easy. (GASPING) What the hell is your problem?

Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)

What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby, when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch? Oliver, did you break this vase? No. The floor did. He's so cute. Hey, everybody. I-- Bobby, you get back in the garage! Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow!

so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not. Um... Excuse me.

Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces... or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. Peter, you're still you.

Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace, and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you. I-It's just Noodle Caboodle. Hey, what are these hard things? M&Ms. I ran out of paprika. Magnificent. Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie!

- Ha! You should tweet that. - Okay.

My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay. Boy, I bet Brian would love these pancakes.

Fletch. Is it Fletch? It is Fletch. What do you wanna do now? I got an idea. How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING)

All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are.

it's been very special to you. (MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names.

For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that.

All right, let's everybody just calm the fuck down.

Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe.

This is for you. She made me a mix tape. Oh, dear God, what have I done? I've made a terrible mistake. LaDawn! LaDawn! LaDawn!

DOCTOR: How about now? PETER: No, nothing.

Peter, What's wrong with you?

Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material! What's this? Bedpan? Peter Pan. Next stop is Neverland. Come, Wendy, fly with me. (BEEPING)

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Good morning, everybody. Brian, I have something to say. I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with your age. Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it. Fantastic. And to help us forget about it, family, I'd like to introduce New Brian. Hey, gang!

Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high. I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. I love you, Peter Griffin. Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me.

Maybe you guys were right. Maybe our town has changed. I know, it's awful. Pretty soon, guys are just gonna be showing their boners to babies and stuff, I bet.

Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap! Love you.

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Oh, my God! That's Jennifer Love Hewitt! Wow! I wonder who she's here with? She could date any man she wanted to.

What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention.

Honey, be careful. This Pelican's Reef sounds dangerous. That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois. So you can watch the sea until I return. Go on, try it out. Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape?

The Libyans? The French? Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig.

Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died. Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?

Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing? You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that.

You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am.

Oh, yes. Ye--yes, I'll have the coffee cake. Yello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter. What's up? Not much. Well--Well, what do you want? Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. What you thinking about?

Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh?

You look real grown up. Uh, yes, I'd like to buy some alcohol, please. Okay, can I see your ID? I don't have one. You don't? No, it's me, Chris. Oh, hey, Chris. Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol? No. Oh, okay.

(CHOIR SINGING) Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here?

Dufresne, you better get your ass out here before you make me cut this sentence... Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne? I don't know, sir.

People will think I'm from there. (LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Hot towel? Yes, thank you. Well, Come on! Ugh! What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you?

Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE!

Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore. You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it!

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch. (MR. NIGHT PLAYING)

You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together. Me, too, Lois. It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with. Don't you have any back home? Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that. That's kind of what I want to talk to you about, Brenda. Do you mind taking off your sunglasses? (SIGHS)

Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok. I sure am gonna miss being rich. Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No.

Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises. Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay. I'm a banana I'm a banana Peel the banana Peel the banana Now go bananas! Go, go bananas! Go!

I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.

Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles.

ah! Ah, Ah! Sorry, Dr. Ling. I--I guess I'm nervous. This whole thing is a little weird. Ah, Never you fear, laddie-buck. I've been doing this all me life. You see, the reason your fleas are drawn to ya, is your kidney energy is being blocked by a dark chi. Or what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu.

I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments.

undefinedYeah! " love horses. Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride. Oh, come on, you can't expect me to ride that thing. Sorry, we're short on horses. You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke.

You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat. (CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya!

Chris, don't spoil your appetite.

See, we just got here, so they can shush us. But now we get to shush anyone who comes in after us. Honey, you want to sit here? (SHUSHING) - (SHUSHING) - Good. (WHISPERS) That was fun. Yeah. Now you're gettin' it.

Most of the surviving American pilots were taken to POW camps, but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau.

and there's nothing you can change about that. But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you let them. If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself,

All right. What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool. STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here.

Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy? What the devil are you talking about? Handsome? I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak! Yeah, I fold. Hey, Come on, let's go home and get tender with your wife.

Brian, Quagmire, Mort, you are gonna be my creative team. You are gonna help me lead this company into the future. Peter, we don't know anything more than you do about running a company. Hey, where's Joe? I think he's still outside. Hey, Joe! What're you doing down there? There's no ramp! I can't get inside! Well, we don't need him anyway.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Again! Again! I love repetition!

Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING) What do you want, homo?

This was worth the 500-mile drive.

Are you sure that's a real news story?

(STEAM HISSING) (GROANING) (SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out. I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me!

but it's also very intimate.

Peter, I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings.

(PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week.

Really? 'Cause You could probably just buff that out.

Oh, and, uh, you're so pretty. You're always pretty. Oh, you guys are so sweet. Well, it's my pleasure. Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye. (RETCHING)

'Cause there are two kinds of people in this world, Chris. There are bullies and there are nerds. And there are hot Asian chicks. They'll do what you want. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe it, buddy. They will do what you want. Because they know. They know what you want. "Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you.

Not all dogs go to heaven. So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go.

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Get out of the fucking car!

Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! No, I'm not! Him. Yeah. He's a real lightweight. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed Just the women! Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married

Hey, youthful guy. How is your barizzness on this aggressively redonkulous morning? What the hell are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk. Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young, either.

It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home. You know, I think the lesson here is it really doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.

What's that? - Acorns. - Acorns? Acorns, that's what I said! - We sound too much alike. - I know.

Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket. Joe, you're so funny. Ah, They love that one down at the Precinct. This sucks, Brian. Joe is stealing my thunder. Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! Face it. He's the life of the party.

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.

Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this. Look! I'm making an angel!

Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett?

Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

Gee, Lois. Can you--Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s? Oh, That was lame.

Oh, no way. Hey, Chris, look. Is that Richard Dreyfuss? Oh, for crying out loud. PETER: Hey, Dreyfuss, where you going? Get back here. Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quahog?

Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move.

(LAUGHING) Get some, Peter! Nice job on that ramp, Joe. If there's one thing I know, it's ramps. Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING)

There's two apartment buildings on this block alone! No wonder Santa lost his mind. This is ridiculous! We can't do this! Nobody can. It's inhuman! All right, come on, let's get out of here! Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer! Look, they're all eating each other, anyway! (SNARLING)

Wow. Thanks, Rush. It was nothing. I mean, you'd have done the same thing for me.

Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler, I wouldn't be afeared. Oh, Peter, that's good. I know, Lois. Hey, guys, has anybody seen James? Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this.

Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up?

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir, or I'm gonna have to fine you. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog!

Great. Then we're good to go. Absolutely. Totally. So, we're done.

Wish I had one of those. I've got a whole box of them. Take it. It's yours. No charge. Typical Jew.

Gosh, I... You know, I think I'd better, uh, go make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine. Oh, really? But I was enjoying our talk. Oh, no, I... So was I, but, you know, I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God.

(ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad. Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad to you, young lady. Oh, God, is she gonna do me next?

That's the Pumpkin Festival.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live from the 35th annual Quahog Veteran's Day celebration. Yes, it was 35 years ago today that James Veteran stood up to City Hall and said, "I demand a parade in my name." And after a heated bidding war with Edward Memorial and Reginald Aprilfools, he got his wish.

Oh, that was fantastic. Hey, when'd you get that tattoo on your lower back? I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug. What? I'm just glad to have you back on my side. I only wish I could convince Meg and her classmates, too. We'll show them somehow, Lois. I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews.

Wake me up before you go-go Don 't lea ve me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go And take me dancing tonight

Next up is Meg Griffin, sporting her stylishly cool, brand-new-- Oh, Meg! A woman from Child Services came and took Stewie! She said we fed him dog food! Dog food, huh? Meg, Is that a real Prada bag? How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress in one week? It's easy...

Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. (SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.

I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked!

I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump!

Victory is ours.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries. Uh, if--If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any?

Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar?

Wow! That was great!

We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high?

Did you have fun at the game?

I love you too, son.

And look! Look! I left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom. It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive. But now I have you back... Oh, well. At least I still have you. You hungry?

Good morning, Mr. Pewterschmidt. It's 8:00, and I'm ready for work. Good. Have a seat. - Drink that. - What is it? My blood. I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it. Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably.

Well, be careful you don't fall off that ladder. Not all dogs go to heaven. So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)

I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice clean rap.

As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters. Oh. So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home... Stewie, what the hell are you doing? She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud!

It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.

Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed.

Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice!

Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.

All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven?

Go on. Giddyup. Come on, you dumb deer. It's not working. I think they need to be coaxed. Santa said they eat elf flesh.

I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.

You're a CatDog.

hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

...so don't skimp on the conversation That sounds nice.

Rock lobster Rock lobster Yeah, you're gonna be ok.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00. I'm sure we can figure something out. (LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh. I knew I didn't like the sound of that laugh! Peter, this is unacceptable!

- You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car. - Yeah, can I just finish watching this? - You can watch TV anytime. I'm starving. Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!

And now with sports, here's Framptal Tromwibbler. FRAMPTAL TROMWIBBLER: From the world of sport, the Contein Spinky Whompers flumped the Floing Boing Welfenclumpers, 70 fluff to 40 flabe. At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad. (TONE SOUNDING) I'm not sure about any of that.

Oh, my God! Our car! Oh, man. Am I glad I caught you. I almost forgot. Don't start your car. Hey, Thanks for coming.

Hey, Mort. Lois and I are out on our date night. Why don't you give me some condoms? And some Excedrin. My wife's got a headache this big. You know, it's like from the commercial. This big. Only it's my junk. All right, then. $12.43.

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down!

Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me?

(SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad! (CRYING)

MEG? Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here? They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out. Ah! What the heck? NudisT! My dad's a tailor, you jerk! Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

but this is my playground.

Yeah, the opening's okay. And I guess you can't hate Copacabana. Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best!

You know what? Let's just turn ourselves in. I got a great lawyer, and he says, worst case, eight to 12 years. And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

(GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities. " can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three.

(SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

Wow, this is awesome! And later, I'm gonna go lift free weights in a parking lot!

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke!

If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, You can't hear me now. All right, That's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

(SCREAMING) Dad, what the hell are you doing? We got a message for you. "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it." Actually, Peter... Gattaca! Gattaca! Peter, I don't think it's working. People are still going into the store. Well, fine, then I guess I gotta go in there and drag them out one by one.

Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks-- Hey, what are you guys talking about? I was just telling a joke. So, the bartender looks around and says: "What'll you two fine gentlemen have?" And they paid their tab and couldn't have been more courteous.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you people, but I didn't know where else to go. I haven't seen Peter in two days. And I just thought he might be here. What? Oh, my God. Peter's missing? Hang on, hang on, hang on. Before anyone gets too worked up, I know where Peter is. Where? I put him in a straight camp. You what?

It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured, with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space. Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you've inexplicably acquired? I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing. They were gonna scrap it 'cause of some minor mechanical problems or something. Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation.

PETER: He did, too! I saw the picture! STEWIE: Don't touch me.

See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you. You're very polite. You're very polite. You do not see that these days. You do not see that. I like you. I like you. Oh, thank God.

Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot.

And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

Look how sensitive I am 'Cause my voice is so fine

No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.

You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge.

Chris, what happened to the couch? Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!" Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. (YAWNS) Dad, what are you doing? Meg, I'm a redneck,

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh?

Look, I know you're upset, but-- Oh, My God. Where's Stewie? He's around. Argh! Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon! Peter, that's sick! It's ok. He's outside the underwear.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Just be back by bedtime. - Okay. Lunch is ready, everyone. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, Lois. This is... - This is white bread. - Yeah. So? Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? No. This was cheaper. I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread.

A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.

But if Vader's my father,

f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go!

I'm not thinkin' of Connie, I'm thinkin' of Phoebe. Ok, This whole thing is ridiculous! I forbid you from going to that dance! You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom! End of discussion! Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you!

Peter, how was your first day? Horrible! I never worked so hard in my life. How the hell do you guys do this every day? Immigrant life sucks. But, Peter, life in America is wonderful. That is why we risk everything to come here. I don't know, Cheech. It seems like a lot of work for no respect.

That's proof he must be A big, fat Heeb God's real flabby With an ass so wide His arms look like pillows

even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you.

No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time. Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick. What is this? A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in 10 years. Hey, keep digging. Oh, ColecoVision. Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.

I ain't no dummy. Hey...

Well, I was right to trust you with it then. And this is called waiting in line at the movies. It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic.

'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day

Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm.

Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade.

I could have gotten over the fact that you're a dog,

Don't crack wise. Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line, you got turned around. You're a man! And what do you think it means to be a man? Um, it means not getting pushed around?

I mean, i--I just froze up. But you handled that bear like a real man. I'm proud of you, son. You are? 'cause I heard what you said about my huge, you know. Oh. Oh, you--You heard that, huh? Well, i--I was just being stupid. Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing.

There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket. Well, the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird. Peter, that's not necessary. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere. I wouldn't count on it, Lois.

Okay, let's see. Oh, boy! Everything looks nice. Um... All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600.

Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh, my! The magic tome. But it's--it's cardboard. And--And there are no words. There are just-- What is it you've drawn here? Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh? Ah!

Good night, buddy. Hey, what's the matter? I'm scared of the storm, Dad. Why, you know, I think the storm is moving away from us, Chris. You know how I can tell? Here's a little trick.

Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking... How about we go on an actual date? Uh-huh. Sounds great! Bye. So? Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.

- You wanna hook up? - Buy me something.

ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels,

Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me.

(GLASS SHATTERING) Oh, crap. Well, looks like the good Lord just sent me a conversation starter.

When the time comes, you'll know.

Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in. I'll eat it when I'm ready! HI. I'm ready! Well, Time for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie. And we have something very tasty for big fat you. Bon appetit. Oh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it.

ALL: Aw! Oh, oh, look, everybody. It's starting. (THEME SONG PLAYING) CHOIR: There was a man He dropped out Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

You know, you never really know what somebody thinks of you, but I'm glad I made a good first impression. Would you like to be friends? Like to be friends. Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly. - What's your name? I'm Peter. - Peter. No way! That's my name! Hey, you should come home and spend the night at my house. Lois, will you make up the guest room? Peter, that's someone's pet. You can't just take it.

It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods? Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Note to self, do not go to the bathrooM.

And this is James Bottomtooth IV.

Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING) (CRYING)

Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed.

Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud.

I am gonna be so humiliated. Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

(GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy!

That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war. There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq. Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

You know, Chris, a little friendly advice. Uh. You're gonna start dating soon. Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah.

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS)

I'm not a dog, you fat bastard! Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Well, I loved this book. Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

Hey, Meg, who's your date? He looks like a real stiff. (LAUGHING) Chris, what the hell are you doing here? I told you not to bother me at work. I got locked out of the house, and I need your key. No way! You get to work with all these dead people? Hey, look, this guy's picking his nose. (LAUGHING) Look, now he's eating it!

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness.

You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this.

Now, take these baseball bats and get to it. (HARRY GASPING) All right. Good so far. No, no, no, don't use the bats like that! No, no. Don't use them like that, either! All right, look. Just put them down and use your fists. No, no, no, not like that!

Excuse me, miss? This older gentleman would like a lap dance. What am I supposed to do? Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself. Do I... Do I stick the money directly inside of her? No, you do not. Why, have you done that before? (LAUGHING) Doesn't go over. When do I hit her? For crying out loud, just drink this.

At which point, they would snap into a trance and mindlessly carry out whatever orders they were given by their KGB handlers. Well, I mean, what if they encountered somebody who said the phrase accidentally? Not possible. The activation phrase was something that no one would ever think to utter. What is it? The phrase is, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

Oh, my God! We're going down.

But I'm sure you'll do just fine. I don't know, Max. the kid's not exactly an honor roll student. Watch. Hey! He did it. See? Peter, you took me in, fed me dinner, came to Temple with me. You're a nice family. I have faith that Chris will grow up to be a real mensCH. Ow! Ow! Dad! Dad!

Forrest Gump. I win. Who?

Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen.

No... Yeah, we'll hang on to Boys' Life. Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that?

Yeah. You know, sometimes you just got to make a decision and go with it. Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement. Peter, I don't think... Brian, your objections are duly noted. Now, hit the gas. (TIRES SQUEALING) You know that would never work again in a million years. Don't need it to, Brian.

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too.

Yes, Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers. OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot. Shut up!

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire?

I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat Can't touch me Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt Light a fire and pee it out Don't like it, kiss my rump Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky and your boobs will get bigger and you'll stop having your period... Wait, how do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say!

" wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Sea water, courtesy of that gentleman over there.

I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room. Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead.

I think we're losing them. Wait! I got to hear more! Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high! Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station! Last time I do somebody a favor! Oh, God! They must have heard me! Oh, God! I can hear me!

(GROANS) I am exhausted. Can this day get any more stressful?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (APPLAUDING)

We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian!

MAN: On the next episode ofDeadwood. undefinedAnything yet? Wo, you? Nope.

There. Now, we're going to do what we should have done in the first place. Get on. Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet.

And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...

Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting. And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus. I just want to point that out to you.

(SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying, like people who never shut up about their kids.

Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead.

I was just nervous. Tonight'll be better. Tonight? Honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight. gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman! That's a house.

We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

Let's get a drink. I thought of it first. Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient.

"Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP. HEy, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake?

"I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm. Remember how they only needed little girls? Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois. You're not telling anybody, friend. No, no, you're gonna be my on-set guardian. You're out of your mind.

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99.

That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient? Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here.

I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself?

(ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man.

Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?

Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you. Are you kidding? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you.

I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it.

Here comes Goldman's Pharmacy. Hey, Goldman's Pharmacy! Can you fill out a prescription for us for diarrhea? We're about to get the runs! (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah? Well, speaking of things that are brown and can run, meet our new teammate!

Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting! If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on!

Hey, buddy, where are all your pals? Playing baseball. Well, why aren't you playing with them? 'Cause I don't have a glove. Oh, yeah? Gee! Just for me? No fooling?

During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy.

and I spent all my cash in the restaurant, even though you said you'd pay. So, would you mind giving me a lift home, buddy?

So what can I do for you, Peter? Well, Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal. - Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test... and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it?

Why the hell did we get off here? My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her. Oh, well, So she's in Austin, mmm? 8 miles that way?

Carter, hand me my thinking grenades. Where did you get these? (SHUSHING) Carter, I'm thinking. - (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening? I got it!

Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.

BRIAN: Hey, check it out, lemon snow. What? Yeah, that stuff's delicious. Lemon snow? You mean it just falls from the sky like that? You bet. One of nature's treats. You gonna have some? No, I'm already full.

Knuckles, get the handbag!

STEWIE: Hello, Mother.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for 8 months now. Please, for your family, take it off. Hey--Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!

Executive bathroom, sir?

(SNIFFLES) Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck. Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are. As someday it may happen That a victim must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list

Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Look, Chris. It's a whole family of WASPs. My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham. Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights.

My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill.

Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express. What the hell is he doing? Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, now, let me understand this, what are you here to promote, James? Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun.

I love you, Rupert. Don't you ever leave me again. (SIGHING) (BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

Jose, Roberto, whatever.

Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh!

Hey, Rock, I'm porking it. (CHUCKLES) That's a good one. Phew! Well, that's enough fun for one day. I'm sweating more than a non-legacy applying to Yale. (ALL LAUGHING)

ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich. Boy, this stinks. It's Friday night and I don't have a date. Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book. (CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports.

All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.

Come on! Into the storm cellar! MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking.

Wanting to kill yourself...

Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here!

Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!

Splendid. That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little... There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you?

Now brace yourself. Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality. (BEEPING) (MACHINE ZAPPING)

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage.

Lois! Peter, what's going on? Is it true? Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy? Hi, Lois. Hi. Look, Lois, we were just trying to help Mort.

(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.

(YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else?

We're mopping the deck which is Navy for "floor" And when we're done mopping we'll mop it some more "Swab" means "mop" "deck" means "flooR" coulD you Tell me when you're leaving to go back in tiME? I was talking to a robe on the coat rack for 20 minutes before I realized you Weren't in iT.

Oh, Now you're just being crazy. Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE.

We set a cap, you jerk. Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch? Peter, what are you angry about? You get to go on a cruise with me.

And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's only making it worsE!

Welcome to Executive Bathroom Island. Well, this is peaceful.

So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland? Pretty good. I made a spaceship... Wait a minute. I'm not talking to you. Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room. It stinks in here. Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING)

(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING)

Where we going, Brian? Well, Peter, We're going to visit the year 1492. That's when Columbus set sail on his voyage to the New World. We're on a ship! That's right, This is the Santa Maria. One of 3 ships he took to find a route to India. Any sign of IndiA yet? Nothing yet, Captain. India? I thought he was going to America. On the contrary.

Go, Brian! All right, Brian. We got it all sewn up. What--What the hell is this? This? Uh, This is the part where you, uh, you beg for a treat. Oh, I don't think so. Brian, you're embarrassing me. God, he can't expect Brian to do that.

So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England. I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off. All right, all right. I tell you what, - you get one free revenge shot at me. - Okay.

Meg, Is that a real Prada bag? How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress in one week? It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Wait a minute. Meg, when did you become a teenager? She's 16, Peter. You knew about thiS?

Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on?

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down!

Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes.

I'm gonna grab your hair 'cause I like grabbing stuff.

How much you want to take out? $40. There's a service charge of $1.50. Do y'all accept? Yes. Mmm. You smell like the inside of my mama's purse. Uh, ha, ha! Thank you. What are those dulcet tones? Why, This is the music of the angels!

I'm taking credit for finding this body. (ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

Oh, That's better than sex!

You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire.

See you guys later.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck.

- Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter? No, he's at work. Lame. Oh. Well, what do you want? I hear you're kind of a cool guy. Thought maybe we could hang out. Uh, okay. Okay! Carter and Quandary, hanging out. All right, I just got to go take a misty, stop-and-go piss in your bathroom,

Ever since that mega-mall opened across the street... it's been taking away all my business. They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants... 53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch. I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with that?

You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love

The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked!

Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING)

The work is really quite easy. Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered with something that resembles egg crates, except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie.

The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting. (GROANS) Come on, math, you dick. Come on, Brian.

And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list

An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. Sperm whales and seamen. A swallow.

Well, I admit after a long day at work I don't always come home with that "Riunite on ice, that's nice" mentality. And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me? Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!

Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad. Wow, he really did it.

That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow. Damn these worms. Ow, this itch. Brian, what the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just some Pilates. Don't lie to me, Brian. I know what this is.

Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing. I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Come on. You saw me on that boat. I was wearing a blazer. Huh? Come on. No! I just... I--I don't want to! All right? I don't want to right now! I told you I'm not comfortable. I think you could respect that. You know? I do respect. I totally respect it. That just makes me want you more, you know? Come on, man. Let's just... Let's just go nuts. Let's just...

CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

You've really got to stop misbehaving.

Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay!

Hey, Joe, what you got there? Mountain bike. Joe, I don't know. I'm still chafed from that power walk. Both of my inner thighs look like those big cherry Swedish Fish. Don't worry. I'm not taking you pansies. I'm taking my new friends. This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland. Is Portland the black one? Portland is the black one.

Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm.

I'm Brian. Hey, would you mind if I asked for your number? Who knows? Maybe we could get arrested together. (LAUGHING) Sure. I'd like that. Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore.

Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?

ooh, Our leader is here to take us on our journey! My children, rejoice. The hour of transformation is close at hand. Who are you? This is Meg, O, wise one. Can she come with us? Perhaps. Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment and a heart that seeks purity?

Great, leave when I'm in the middle ofa sentence.

So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine.

The shield is down. Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor. The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode. (DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands?

STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers.

All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny.

Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there!

So, do you really think you're suited to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington? Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes, but you're kind of a buzz kill. Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn. (CHUCKLING) Do any of you know the tale of how cornmeal came to be?

(CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

this isn't the first time it's gotten me into trouble.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick.

Damn! I was two days from retirement.

Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop.

I'll have to think about it.

Are you kidding? I'm so excited.

yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me

Yes. I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower when she does that butt floss thing. Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear.

We need your help again. And, not to get too personal, but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan. (FAST-FORWARDING) And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so... This is just, like, logistical stuff. I'll check that later. ...Joey Lawrence haircut.

It would be wise not to anger him.

I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace!

See you, Stewie. Brian, please, can I go with you? It's so boring here. For the last time, you can't come with me. Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner.

Here's your martini, ma'am. Thanks. It's gone! I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one. What the hell is going on here? Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive.

Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise? It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?"

Pearl, do you rent or own?

It was gonna be hilarious!

Look, it was an accident, okay? I mean, you can always buy another one, right? Buy another one? You know, I don't think you kids appreciate how hard your father and I work to provide you with everything we do. Sometimes you just seem to take us for granted. You know, it's very difficult being a parent. No, it's not. You get to do anything you want and you get to make all the rules.

Is that right? Keep the change. Road House. (SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap!

good-bye good-bye good-bye

Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes. Aha! Her eyes are green! Aha! Thank you for proving my point.

Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

Who's hungry? ALL: Yeah! Mommy's home! Hello, dear. I'm so glad you're home. While you were away, I tried to do the laundry. Your favorite shirt. Adam Kenneth Handleman, when will you learn? (ALL LAUGH)

(PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped.

And if you won't do it for me, do it for Fish Jesus. Do you have Fish Jesus? Of course. He was nailed to a board and hung in a man's study as a novelty to sing funny songs. Your god is a gag gift. Did you know that? Would you excuse us?

I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial. ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it!

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two. Great. What is your primary source of income?

Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad! I promise, it'll never happen again. I hope not, Mrs. Stevens. Because next time we won't just take him away, we'll kill him. Let's see. Stanley, Starkweather, Stevens!

That's the car-wash thief! Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you!

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh!

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object. Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things. Oh, my God! It's Mr. Fargas!

"Gina was finally wearing that tank top I got her and nothing else. "Zanzibar knew he couldn't control "his space horniness any longer, "and then they totally did it. "And if I'd have been there, I would have been like,

Look, Lola. This whole thing is just going way too fast for me. For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams! Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place. Hey, I just wanted to keep my bar. I built that thing so my friends would come to see me, not you. Is that so? Let me tell you something.

You guys! Brian's famous! You're a hero! Way to go, pal! Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis.

You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19,

Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911!

Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry. I just came from that orientation seminar about college dating. Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis.

Hey, how you doing there? Listen, uh, I couldn't help but notice you across the parking lot and, uh... You know, you're-- you're very attractive and, uh... You want to go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex? Chuck, it's me, Morty. Yeah, 'cause we could... What?

We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis. No! No! I reject the premise of this!

Not really. Well, then, this has been an absolute misfire. Oh, this is just awful. James Woods is destroying this family, and all just to get back at Peter. I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does. Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg.

Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

It all sounds kind of sketchy. Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy? Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit?

According to Gallup polls, one in 12 Americans is unaware that the bird is the word. I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this.

"That's going to be you some day, Meg."

But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom? (MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC) How can you even say that? Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that makes you wanna blow your brains out, Stewie just sits there, and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here!

sperm brother. Well played!

CLEVE: He's nasty. Out of my way, you little pip-squeaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body. (ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat.

(SOBBING) I don't want to stay! Please take me home! I don't want to go to fat camp!

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy.

Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry.

Well, here we are. That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?

If there is some other way to prove that I love you I swear I don't know how Sing it, baby. Breaking my heart.

No. This was cheaper.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I know, it's awful. Pretty soon, guys are just gonna be showing their boners to babies and stuff, I bet.

For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! So, uh, what are you wearing?

You're in my jurisdiction now, Sheriff Butt Breath. (GUNS COCKING) Wow, Joe, how'd you pull that off? I put in a call from the McDaniel's pay phone while you guys were getting that nine-piece chicken McFingers and those Diet Conks and those Fresh Fries.

So where is this executive bathroom? There. (JURASSIC PARK THEME PLAYING)

Superman. Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING)

Just to check in, make sure everything's going well with you and Brian. It's going kick-ass! Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly. Like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa. Oh, my God! Are you saying I'm fat? No, I'm saying Santa's thin... - Get in there and throw up! - Oh!

I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one. LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie.

...what a cavity search is. You made my mom cry tonight, Doug. I don't think you're a very good friend. I am not gonna listen to you anymore.

(SCREAMING) Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man.

Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Look, Ben freezing to death was one thing. We had nothing to do with that. But we just let Ross and Pam walk back up there, probably to their deaths.

Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack.

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up.

(STEWIE) Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch.

Oh, I'm so thirsty. Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on.

(PLAYING OFF-KEY) (PLAYING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE)

Get the fuck out of my house!

So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.

Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here. Well, I'm off to serve food at the soup kitchen. Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you?

Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor? Well, now you can. With Jeez-Its. Flesh of his flesh. With the amazing flavor of real Wisconsin cheddar. Jeez-Its, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good."

Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, You can't hear me now. All right, That's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me!

And the rest, well... You did all the rest for me. You turned on Tom exactly as I planned. So there it is, Lois. My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know.

Brian, what hell?

You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke.

This is a very shocking Family Circus. (SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING)

Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Shoot me. Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this. I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.

PETER: God damn it!

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss!

Dear diary. Jackpot!

Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny. You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! Sweet dreams, kiddo. You have the power to end this!

Oh, come on! You're all just mad because I didn't wanna be with you! I think Brian's a wonderful man. He's just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality. Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite. He's insecure. And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine?

Okay, I'll stop now.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci jr. High cheerleaders. is everybody pumped up? Gimme A d-u-s-t! D-U-S-T! M-i-t-e-s! M-i-T-E-S! What does that spell? Dust Mites! Who's gonna win this game? Dust Mites!

(CHOIR SINGING)

Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

(SIGHS) This is so wonderfully peaceful. Yeah, really is another world out here. And just so quiet. (HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE) I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you

Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah! Gotcha! To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox. I recommend a trial separation, during which time I advise that you date other people.

But can you tell me who did? Log on now. (MUSIC PLAYING) All right, let's tally up those responses. Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Melon is?

You've been kicked in the ... No way! You're gonna be on T.V. Oh, sweet! Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi. You're on it. Oh, wow. Glenn, you sure you want to do this? I already told you I forgive you.

Hey, is there anything I can do to help? Luke!

Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it!

Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra.

You're a meanie!</