comb.io - Clips

(BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles.

But the evil monkey lives in my closet. Of course, he hasn't been as evil since he became a Jehovah's Witness.

and I don't want to be made a liar in the nudie magazine of reckon.

Hang on, I wanna give you something. This book helped me when I was about your age. It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling, I'd find that one person who would make me whole. Thanks, Mr. Quagmire. You don't have to thank me. Now, get on out of here, you little scamp.

Leave fart in closed car like a dick.

She's pregnant.

These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached. Beautiful island. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just beautiful homes and nothing else. Each residence has 200 feet of pristine oceanfront. No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution.

(ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute! How the hell do you guys know about that already?

Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man. Oh, walk away.

I--I know. i know. shh. But later!

Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry.

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Just like the Pink Panther. What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. What? Will he be okay?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Wouldn't help me anyway. It's a hopeless situation. If you ever want to get anywhere with this girl, you gotta ditch that negative attitude. You're as bad as Negatron. Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win.

(LAUGHING) (SNIFFING) Peter! You just crapped all over the bed! When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!

How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand? I told him it was for me. I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois! (CHORTLES)

Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee. Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices. But that's my dad. What's more important to you, your job or your family? And don't pick the obvious one.

uch. It's times like this I wish they'd used me for stem-cell research. Help me! It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Ha! All right, I'm gonna lower you in.

Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig. I've become my father!

Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead. Zombie! Glenn, I thought I'd lost you. Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me.

What? What did you just say? Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, You can't hear me now. All right, That's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah!

What a surprise this is! Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

PETER: (WHISPERING) Your writing partner is out of her mind. CHRIS: (WHISPERING) Okay, first of all, stop calling her my partner. PETER: She's terrible. She's terrible. I know that. But then you know what? It's not fair. CHRIS: What? PETER: It's not fair to her. Well, that's sort of a cop out. PETER: Having her here is not fair to her. CHRIS: Dad, if you want to fire her, you go ahead and fire her. But don't pretend you're doing it for her benefit. Don't put that on me. She's firing herself. CHRIS: It's on you. No, she can't fire herself.

I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois.

Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.

Ahh! Ahh! Ha! Ugh!

(SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

Peter, don't make me do.... Just a city boy Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere

Lindsey, this is my mom, my little brother Stewie and my dog Brian. Hey. Oh, my God. My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom.

That doesn't even make any sense!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus. Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday.

Lois, I already told you, I'm in Paris to have an affair.

And I'm Joyce Kinney. Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever. That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own, Brian Griffin. This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called,

A witch! Witch! witch! Witch! Witch!

Well, Who we kidding? You haven't made any progress. Now the left T.V. is tuned to Frasier. The right T.V. has Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts. Got it. WEll, fraSier, You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa.

Well, fine, then. Have a box of Jeremy Irons Cereal. If you're looking for a prize at the bottom, there is none. Only more cardboard. Peter, this has gone on long enough. I want you to make things right with Daddy. It's his company. It's my company. It's your company. Three's company.

I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work?

You're a son of a bitch.

(GASPING) Chicken pox! Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare. You swore on the seesaw. (LAUGHING)

How long was I in there? About five minutes. Why are we not funding this?

Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys.

Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job. Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy.

Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

No wonder your husband didn't respect women. Excuse me?

You're obviously not the person I thought you were! I never want to see you again! I can't believe I thought you were special! Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do? Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him. We had sex. We had sex! We had what Joe calls sex.

"Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick. "She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish."

If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance. This has all been an imposition. I'm so dreadfully sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.

Right on. Go girl. Wah, wah, wah! Come on. It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt? Peter, It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck! Come on. Hey--hey. You want to hear some horror stories. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, my God! You're Robin Williams! Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco.

Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy.

(STEWIE SCREAMING)

Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING)

That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie? That kid was Indian and 11 years old. Where are you finding my friends? Aw! Someone's a little cranky. Here, let me put on the radio. Talkin' 'bout the club Lookin' round the club Pimpin' at the club Emphasizing "club" Yuck, this is awful.

Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him.

one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck. Uh-oh. This is not good. We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you.

Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin.

I don't want to forget it. How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.

Are you sure he can't see me? Absolutely, Chris. You're 100 percent safe. Okay, that's him. Number 6. Hi. Uh, Excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, He's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store.

Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

I'll do anything. You don't know me.

Trees grow from Republican sod And everyone prays to a proper right-wing god Republican Catholics? Yes, indeed, there are Republican Muslims? Well, let's not go too far No Muslims? Nah, too many tall buildings.

Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities,

For God's sakes, I've just been handed the coolest freaking toy on the planet. Well, you know, except for Hungry Hungry Alec Baldwins. Hey, I'm not even touching the lever.

Hey, everyone, Neil Goldman is gay. (ALL CHEERING) Awesome.

Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns. The murderer won't leave the camp. What? What are you talking about? He's feeding. He killed twice and he's gonna do it again. He's got plenty of places to hide out there and a fully stocked corral of victims.

What the hell is he talking about? Oh, It's cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course.

Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face,

So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England. I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.

Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

Hi, Stewie. Hi, um, Ah... Ugh. Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh!

Let's go home, Joe. Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara.

Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it.

I was gonna call them. But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

You're an ass, you know that? You're just jealous because I'm hanging around with someone else. Hey, I don't care, man. Girls are stupid anyway. Well, fine. Then maybe I'll go see her right now. Fine! I'll just hang out with James Woods. Well, Peter, thanks for lunch. - Guess I'll be heading back to old L.A. now. - You're leaving? Oh, man, I thought maybe you could stick around... and, you know, maybe you and me could be pals.

Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

I'm gonna ask one more question, and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis? Yes. Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again. And this time, I decide where the base is.

Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.

Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. Now give that back to Mommy. Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. That is enough. You, you struck me.

Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary togethER. No wonder she's gonna dump mE. Or is she? Wait a minute. That's my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wifE! Eureka! Now, come on back to the golf course. I've got a date. Death, wait. Wait, wait. Before we go, I need you to do me one more favor.

Oh, we do all kinds of crazy stuff. Sometimes we even have phone sax. Don't you mean phone sex? No, Joe. Phone sax. Are you ready? You better believe it. (PLAYING BAKER STREET SOLO) Oh, Peter!

Who gets to stay, and who takes the bus ride home... it's up to Brooke. Trevor. That's what Trevor's talking about. Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine? - Sure. - Hi, Jesus! No way! Hello. I know. I saw.

What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on a multinational fast food conglomerate. Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian. Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world. How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point? Okay, religion.

So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

(DOORBELL DINGING) Hi. I'm Joan. I'm your maid for the week. Me Peter. You maid. Um, I do speak English.

gentlemen, Today we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy! It's a glorious day. Hey, Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Hmm. Whiskey.

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

You know, Lois won't be home from groceries for a while. I have an idea. Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING)

(STEWIE YAWNING) What you doing? Oh. Hey. Just needed a little drink. Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right? Saving it for what? It's not important. Want a sip? You're offering me some? It's liquor, isn't it? Yeah, it's liquor.

I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? You're cute. Done. As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us.

Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.

Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this.

Sure! What did you learn?

Oh, Peter! You look like you! I can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was. Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris. That's ok, Dad. Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!

Hey, uh, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad? Because you don't have a bottom, son. Ah! Yeah, man. You and that towel are representiN'. Yo! that's what's just fightin', G!

You'll never guess who it was. James Woods? WOODS: Hello, stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home. Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here. I say, this is more uncomfortable than having James Brady at a cocktail party.

Hey, you! Get into my car. Neil, would you-- I would be honored. Thanks.

Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by. Red Buttons standing by. Redd Foxx standing by. Big Red standing by. SEAN CONNERY: Red October standing by. Helen Reddy standing by. Simply Red standing by.

Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cakE. Right here! Meg! I'm sorry, Mom. Oh, Thank you, Peter. No problem. I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.

So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about. See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started. (COUGHS) Dad, I don't smoke. Sure, you don't now. But keep at it. You'll get the hang of it. By the end of that pack, you'll be smoking like a real pro.

You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those.

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.

And I really hope you find your real father. We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

(BARKING) Stop! Stop it!

Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)

You didn't need me. You did that yourself. Good for you. You need anything else? No, I'm fine, thank you. Okay, you guys have fun.

Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat? Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends "for spending $150,000 a week "in misappropriated welfare funds" play. I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead. Take them down!

This is it, Brian. My plan for world domination is about to come to fruition. (ALARM BLARING) Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here.

I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie!

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now." (WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that? It's an expression. Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair. Listen, you had your chance. I e-mailed it to both of you. You wrote back, "Looks fine" and you just added that part about Grape Ape.

Well, maybe not him 'cause he's kind of big. But don't you want to hit the guy sitting next to you? Well, Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too. But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You jerk.

Good evening, Death Star. Tonight a special report on the controversial attack on Alderaan. While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie?

But I don't because that would be a hate crime and I love ya. And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none were half the man you are. And Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure. Peter's right. If we work together, we can win this thing. Who's in?

Snuggly Jeff is the most successful children's book series ever.

Well, well, look who's here.

I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants Hello?

I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear. Brian, I'm one. Still? What? Look, I'm not going to Colorado. I'm turning around and going home. Fine, then. I'll go by myself. See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds.

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy

It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured, with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space.

little hottie I met when I was young. But I don't want to be with a kid anymore. I want a smart, sexy, beautiful, middle-aged companion. I want the real Lois. My Lois. Oh, Peter. Mr. Bieber, they're calling for an encore!

What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts? Well, since Lois is the mayor, I'm allowed to reroute all the town's electricity. - What'd you do that for? - So I could reanimate the corpse of Jim Varney. Howdy, Vern. This is some dad-gum nice house you got here, Vern. That's Vern-Vern-Vern-Vern. Oh, wait, wait. It was John Belushi. That's who I wanted.

I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!

STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!

I got him! Ha, ha, ha! It's just like hunting. Chris, stop it! What will the neighbors think? Abner! Abner! The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer! Gladys, it took me 2 hours to work up the courage to rent this porno. Now are you gonna watch it with me or not?

Let me just pay the fine or whatever and I'll make sure this doesn't happen again. You can pick him up tomorrow. Oh, okay. Just bring a trash bag. What did he mean by that? Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that. No. He doesn't. He's from another universe where dogs are subservient to humans. Oh, you mean like that time we... Yeah. When we bounced around between... Yeah.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody.

Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery. Thanks a lot, Dallas.

(YELLS IN PAIN) Those lying bastards at Johnson & Johnson! We'll put, "No more tears" on the label. But it does make you cry. I know. (BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY) (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) Lois, you should just let those wounds get infected.

All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire!

Say, you look familiar.

Wow, a Paris Hilton party. Oh, this is so cool. Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.

Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter.

Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You think I care about you? I don't.

Oh, for God's sake, Peter, didn't you learn anything from this? Yes, I did, Lois. These are going in the garbage. But these I'm keeping for myself. Moderation, Lois. Wow, Peter. I never thought I'd see the day. Good for you. From now on, half of every six-pack I buy is going in the trash.

- Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit. I'm too self-conscious to do it. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You see, Brian, Meg has a job.

PETER: Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up. Brian, why don't you take Stewie while Meg and I go clothes shopping? You know, it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. " say, let me get on your back. Oh, for God's sake. Strong with the force, young Skywalker is. - God, I don't believe this. - That is why you fail.

You're mine now, Lois! Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji in yesterday's travel section? (SIGHS) I wish I was Beyonce. Peter, I think maybe you should go back and have that doctor undo whatever he did. I mean, you're not gay.

Peter, I'm not in the mood! That's okay. We can do it anyway. Peter, I was assaulted in public because of you!

Hang on to something, because this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh. I really like you, Sandy. I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE)

ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.

Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, "that all men are created equal." MAN: Except the Jews.

(SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord. PETER: Here's your milk.

Well, yeah, but, Brian... I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?

How about a little angry sex, huh?

Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger. My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this?

- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion!

VENDOR: Butt scratcher! Get your butt scratcher here! Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm gonna be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd? I think that they're gonna have,

Oh, fuck! There it is.

(GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.

Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that. Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic. Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

But it probably couldn't hurt to remind them how much they value you as a family member.

I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

(HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done

Get them motherfuckers on the line.

They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay. What the hell kind of dog is that? I was going to ask the same thing. That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien.

I'm a Jedi, like my father before me. All right, let's everybody just calm the fuck down.

MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party

E is even more than anyone that you adore can Love is all that I can give to you Love is more than just a game for two

(CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here?

We're here to demolish this building by order of the bank.

Let's burn this chick at the stake.

"Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end. Hmm. I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles. I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question?

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) All right, time to practice what we've learned. You're up, Brian. Now go hit on that fat chick. - What? Why? - Do it or you get an F. (SIGHS) All right. Excuse me. I was just looking you over, and I had a question.

Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

Well, you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television. Now, get out.

Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING)

You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No! Why is he freaking out like that?

Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing?

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

What? And no dancing! But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time. (WHISTLING) MICK: Okay, Tokyo DAVID: South America!

Whoo! Ha! Ha! (RAPPING) I respect women when I'm on a date I take them to the park or maybe a museum And I only try to kiss them if they're ready Whoo-hoo! What, what, what, what I say what, what Help out your mom and dad by getting a job So you can help pay for school supplies Whoo-hoo! Say ho!

Oh, thank God, we're saved! I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.

If I believe in Jesus hard enough, I will not die.

Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy! Oh! Oh--oh-Oh, this is just great!

Your tail curly-cues into your buttock-hole when someone knocks on the front door. That's 'cause it could be anybody. Chris, if I don't make it, remember, the most important thing in life is to stumble into something you hate and do it for 40 years. Whatever, old man, I'm not you.

Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. Wow, you're a different color than me. Would you like to be equals?

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here! - What are you doing? - I'm reading. What... What... What...

Well, there once were two cowboys All alone out on the trail And they discovered they could sleep With another male

(GASPING) A ghost! Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me Vader was my father?

Hey, Here's to family! To family! Oh, Jeez, look at the time! Come on. Come on, kids. Let's get going. Aw, Sorry, Meg. I guess It's another bunch of people that'd rather fake death than go to a party with you. Children, the time of ascension has arrived.

Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg. Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam.

ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

The other family we've chosen has three daughters, so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

That is correct! (ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(RINGING) - Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING)

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

(KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House. Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House.

I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity.

We also have a wheelchair.

Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, ok?

You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

It's sad but it's true Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee When your poor legs are stiff as a tree What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God?

This is the greatest show I've seen in years. Not like the last time I was at a comedy club. I hear this guy is hilarious. He played Kramer, you know. Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Ooh! How deliciously evil looking! It's like something out of Stephen King! Ok. For my 307th book, uh... this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you?

I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering,

You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing! Wow. That's amazing. So, what do you say, Peter? Will you be my agent? I don't get it. Why would a big shot like you want me for an agent? Because you're an up-and-comer, because you're hungry. I am hungry. But you put me and my family through a lot of crap over the years.

Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys! You're no match for the '90s black guys! (GASPING)

How was the cast party? We're a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. It's the greatest feeling in the world. Yeah, I bet it is. And it's all thanks to you. I never would've discovered I could be creative if you hadn't believed in me.

Then you'll wipe it up. and then we will go. Hi, Brian. Oh, my God! Who is your cute little friend? Oh, my! Hello. Stewie. Charmed. I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink? So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now.

You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister.

You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that!

Meg, honey, do you want some breakfast? I don't have time. I have to get over to the Swansons'. You sure? Aren't you hungry? Thanks, Mom. But I want to be there when he first gets up. - He's so cute. - What? I... Um... I mean, she's so cute. Susie. She's all right.

Oh! Who's that? Who's there? Is there somebody at the door?

I'm not Derek Jeter. I like girls.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON T.V.) I have to tell you something, Adam. You're an alien. I know. No, no, my dog is gonna expose our relationship to the press. Well, so what? You and I know that we haven't done anything wrong. I told you that I'd wait for you until you're 18 or 21.

What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

Well, I'd like to propose a toast.

You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time. Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline?

Oh, hello, Janet. Yes--Yes, you know Melinda. Yes, it seems she's, um... Oh, What did we figure out, dear? Was it--was it 1? No, 2. Yes, she's 2 weeks younger than you. Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt! Damn! Not even a second glance! This is what you call "dolled up"?

Hey, I found the pool cues. (SCREAMS)

I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Uh, But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is. (Lois) Oh Peter.

What are you doing? Calling the cat. We don't have a cat. That's a throw pillow. (CRYING)

It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe.

It's across the street.

He's badly injured his spine.

More coffee, madam?

You know, I would just not go near it at all. Brian, thanks for showing up so promptly for your quarterly evaluation. Now, then. I'm going to do something I call the compliment sandwich... where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement... and then end with something good. Whatever you gotta do. Okay.

There you go. A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you. Everybody gets a hen.

Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop!

I'm going to meet her cats. Jeez, all right. Okay. All right.

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know.

I'm sorry, gentlemen. Despite our best efforts, the Texas School Book Depository Awareness Council has failed in its mission to generate public awareness of the Texas School Book Depository.

Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure! No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I...

Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa! Ugh! Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from,

Yes. And you'll never catch me! aah! I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house.

Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us. If we can endure the pain of childbirth, just imagine what else we're capable of! Right on. Go girl.

Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas.

(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday...

Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home! Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head! HEy, Shut up!

Just open up your heart It’ll be all right Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow

Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. Ooh, Damn! Must've pulled something playing hoops last week.

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.

(SHORT-CIRCUITING)

Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment. If you don't want to follow procedure, fine. Stay here in limbo. No, no, No, wait--Wait. I don't want to be in limbo!

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well.

What is it? Lois, - I think your father is dying. - What? Ha! Brian, what are you talking about? Well, yesterday at the hospital, I heard a doctor tell him he has cancer, and that he has two weeks to live. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Daddy!

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

Illusions! You want to talk about illusions? If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated. But you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough!

Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

Job well done. And We're not stuck together anymore. Thank God! You said it. Do you Want to hold hands on the walk home? Yeah, sure.

but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no!

Oh, my God! NO! It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now? Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso.

What can I do for you? I was wondering if I could borrow some roofies? Oh, sure, sure, just a sec. Roofies, huh? Pretty big pill for such a little girl. Yeah, I know, but I asked someone to do me a favor, and they're not too keen on doing it.

Dad, how could you do this to me? I love Luke Perry! Jeez, Meg! You're wasting your time. Don't you read the papers? He's gay. PeteR, You can't just print lies about people. Luke Perry has a wife and son. So what? A lot of famous types lead secret lives that we don't even know about. Like Ricky Martin.

I guess you're right, Brian. Next day at work, Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there. Stewie, shut up! What? It's just a weird image. Like the way Commissioner Gordon tells Batman that he just took a poop.

(LAUGHS) Brian, you suck. What the devil is in here? I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie.

There's only one place in town you need to observe. Just watch. I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy Peter, You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there. Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise.

(YAWNS) (BURPS) Schumai. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Oh. (GRUNTS)

Minutemen, present arms! Load weapons! boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out! Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No.

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

(BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.

But from now on, we're not gonna have any more anger in this house, ok? Well Then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body. Don't censor me! No more anger!

Volunteer work. Thanks, Bruce. You still have 13 more minutes. Oh. Do I? Hmm. I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist. Heh. Nice little body on her, huh? That's my daughter. Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Thanks, Brian! Brian?

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.

Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin. And you're watching PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.

(SCREAMS IN PAIN) Wait a minute. Who are you? I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir. Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry."

Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete!

The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone want to buy some pot?

You get me the guy who's been rubbing his butt all over Dunkin' Donuts. Can I help you? Not illegal. Not illegal. Show me the law. Not illegal. Hey, Joe, look, I know you're down about this Briggs thing, and that kind of bums me out, so I got you this Cookie Puss.

I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred.

(ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!

Daddy, how could you do this to Mom?

Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Yeah. I am ready for sex! I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode! Is there more underneath, or is that it? I'm sorry? (LAUGHING) Zac, just get the hell out of my car!

Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape.

Oh! That's cold. That's cold. Hmm. 29 pounds. That's big for your age. Forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials. All right, little guy, time for your immunizations. You, uh, might want to hold him. Hold me for what?

I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

Remember the time I sang to the kids at the Sunday school? Yes, and you forgot the wordS. Jesus loves me He loves me a bunch Because He always puts Skippy In my lunch

(LAUGHING) You're watching Hannah Montana? Well, yeah. To make fun of it. I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes and her makeup, and that fabulous hair and... Oh, my God, Brian! It's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever! Jesus. And she's coming to town! And I have to get tickets, Brian! You have to help me get tickets!

It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about. See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started. (COUGHS) Dad, I don't smoke.

Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine. Hey, Mort, what gives with the blond hair?

That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love. But I forget how to make love. (SHUSHING) That's okay. I'll show you. Just follow my lead. (FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME PLAYING)

My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III.

Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman.

- Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

Yeah! Go, white girl! Hey, yo, you're getting your grinder on my grinder! And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin!

They're our rivals.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

(CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him!

(SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

MAN'S VOICE: The uncle says... (CLEARING THROAT) The grandpa says... OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh!

Well, I bet a thick, juicy steak could help fill that hole, huh? (CRYING)

Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her. Oh, yeah? What do you know about women? You want to know how to get women? There's only one place in town you need to observe.

so I got the Iron Giant and a courtroom doll that kids use to show where the molester touched them.

That totally sucked. You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers!

All right. Is this thing good to go? Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off.

Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours.

Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually... It's kind of a funny story. What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa.

I don't know, Brian. I mean, I guess I can give it a shot. Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't do it. I thought, "Is this in bad taste?" But you know what? I went for it. I went for it and I am so glad I did. Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.

Panic. Pay no attention to detail. Let your mind race. Take short, rapid breaths. Then hide under the bed, but leave two of your feet sticking out. (DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) Oh, my God, Dad! Are they gonna take me? I'm so scared!

What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them. (SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since...

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck!

Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior.

I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car. Hey, Meg, I'll pay you a dollar a day to smell my sneakers. (LAUGHING)

Well, Halsey was hospitalized with psoriasis at the outset of the battle.

Oh, man, what an attractive woman.

Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem. What? What is it? The transfer circuits are powered by uranium, and this thing is tapped out.

Oh, my God, no!

Don't they know what would happen? Well, apparently, it has happened. And now it's grown up and is attacking important businessmen. I'm an important businessman!

Excuse me, but this is a "smoking only" area.

Well, I'm off to serve food at the soup kitchen. Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you? They're your kids! I know, and I love them.

(SHOUTING) So say good morning

...you! Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not.

Oh, my God! Mom, look. They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall. Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine. That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend... Darren Mitchelstork.

Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!

Ugh! What do you want?

I think Zack and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants.

Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING)

That's impossible. She was still passed out on the couch when we left. (GROANS) What the hell happened?

Money, money, money

He knows everything about what we do. Of course he does. Look at that giant horse vagina.

Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse.

He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to... (RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (GASPS) Peter, what was that?

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives.

Oh, no, we're too late. (LAUGHING) I must bless this coupling with my flaccid English penis. CAROL: Oh, no! Oh, my!

We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car.

There is, Peter. In fact, we are preparing our Cinco de Mayo celebration. As a Mexican, you must experience it with us. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING) Well, kids, enjoy yourselves. Cinco de Mayo is as Mexican as it gets. Wow, this is awesome!

Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.

(SNORTS) Now, whatever you do, don't say his trigger word.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Stop laughing. It's not funny. Well, Brian, it's been a productive week. I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is.

Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich. (CROWD CHEERING)

oh, That was fun.

I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her.

Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food.

Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right. It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants!

"Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

(GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck!

How would you like to take a half-pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese? What? I don't... I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. No! It won't be the same!

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

First, you throw in the whole head of lettuce. Even the hard-to-eat white part at the bottom? That's what the people want! Now, what else? I got a can of whole black olives. Should I slice them up? What are you, crazy? No, you keep 'em whole. You're gonna want to know you've got an olive in your mouth. What about this tomato? Cut it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you've got red teeth. How about this carrot? Should I cut it up?

Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes.

Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them! I'm trying, sir. You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack, or this entire platoon is gonna scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes. Oh, come on, Brian! Don't screw us, Griffin! Yeah, come on, don't screw us, Brian Griffin! Bill, how about thinking up your jeers for a change, huh?

Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that it's 8:25? MAN: Precisely! Damn. I'm late for school. Don't need money Don't take fame Don't need no credit card to ride this train

Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

What? You're a fat, stinking drunk. Yes, from what he's told us that's right on the money. Challenge him, you must. And I'm Hayden Christensen. Wait a minute, Brian. That's it. I'm a fat, stinking drunk because my father is a fat, stinking drunk. And I got to prove it to him.

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories. Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work,

Excuse me. I'm lookin' for a car that's been tricked out to look like an ice-cream truck. Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what?

Madly Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night Huh? Did I tell you? Yeah, that was good. We were good. Yeah, that's why it sucks that we're alone here. Because if there were people here, they would say, "That was good. You guys should do that more." Oh, yeah, they totally would, but look,

All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian?

Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin! Good lord!

So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Look, Zack, i'm--I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this. I mean, i--I've been around. You know, i've--I've licked my share of peanut butter. But i--I just think you need to find yourself a new director. Are you sure? I just can't do this.

Who is this? How do you know my name? Give me back my son!

Giggity. Giggity. (MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!

ahh! And plunged them down a thousand feet below to the Land of the Lost

You son of a bitch. (GUN FIRING) Ahh! Stewie! Now, get us the money you borrowed. (SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.

And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair,

Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here. Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry.

Sweetie, can't you just have a good time?

Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye,

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

(EXCLAIMS) We got to get you to the hospital! You're hideous! Who did this to you? Where are my keys? Where's my keys? Where are my keys? Peter, what about Babs? Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. Oh! Yeah. No, you're right.

Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.

You've got a lot to see

A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from? Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal. I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake." Yeah, Dave Matthews Live. I'll burn you a copy. Stay cool.

(SCREAMS) My perfect ass!

Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me. My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING)

What is this? What the hell are we doing here? Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

I'm going up there. I'm coming, too, Mom. Oh, my God. The guy behind me braided my hair. Chris, grab a guitar. Brian, take the drums. Here, Stewie, play with this. Mom, can we please just get out of here? - Oh, my God. - Who is she?

Ok, say it. Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much. Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me. You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!

I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday. Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him.

Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way.

So I've built a cryogenic stasis device and am placing myself inside it, leaving instructions for it to be buried in very specific coordinates in what will be future Quahog. If everything goes according to plan, I will have spent the next 500 years buried beneath our basement.

Stewie, you and I are friends, right? Yeah, I mean, I know you through our mutual friend, Greg, but sure, I'd say we're friends now.

They sank, I guess, would be the--the one thing to take away from this part of the seminar. When we come back, I'll show you how eye contact can make or break any business relationship.

You want a kid's meal? No. - Do you mean "yes"? - Yes.

(ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in. (CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.

All right, I was standing right here, the machine was on, I broke the glass... And I turned the gauge backward. Maybe if I turn it in the other direction.

Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you! Well... Well, I hate you, too! Oh, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue. I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid. (SHOUTING) What?

I was very pleased and surprised. I really was not expecting an open bar. Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

You know "progress" has the word "pro" in it, right? Shut up, Joe.

Okay. Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction...

not even to have think about it, just born like that. But I wasn't. You know, I've tried to find meaning in my life, and I just... I just can't. And that bottle of scotch? I was saving it for my last drink. Wow, heavy.

Lois. Well, she's a fantastic woman. She's compassionate and charming, attractive. Well, stunning, really. I guess you could say I really-- Love her? No, of course not! Me and Lois? That's sick! I mean, Come on. She's my best friend's wife. Mmm-hmm. Look, Look, I love Lois,

Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.

I know what you're all thinking, but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000. WEST: Take a letter. Hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.

STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe.

Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

If you don't want to spend time with me, Peter, that's fine. But at least don't make me wait up all night for you. Lois, I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight. We can watch any stupid movie you want. Sorry, I've already got plans. What do you mean, "plans"? I'm going to the Country Club Dance with Glenn.

sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight. Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter. Well, that's great, Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with. That wasn't me. Stewie was really laying into Meg about something. Yeah, it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie. Oh, so now everyone understands me.

I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like. Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

So she dumped you, huh? Ah, The hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power. Only one man can stop him. No, one machine. I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android.

You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd? No, no! Good Lord, this is not 2005. We've come a long way since then. Okay, what? So you go stabbing in there with a laser and you try to zap it out, like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? No, Mr. Griffin.

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me, C-3PO? Maybe we should go inside. Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO. You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here! Look at this. Do you know anything about this?

ROY SCHEIDER: How are you, Richard? DREYFUSS: Fine, Roy. How are you? SCHEIDER: Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up. Maybe reminisce about Jaws. DREYFUSS: Great. You should give me a call sometime. My number is 555... Wait, wait. What? 555? Yeah. You know what, Richard? If you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure. (STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant.

PETER: Dear airplane people, I owe you one floating slide. And just so you know, the guy stewardess was angry gay, not happy gay. What does it say? Nothing. Just instructions and stuff. Oh, my God. You actually went through with it? How was it?

Yeah, but... What? Let's put a hat on him to cover the wound, and then let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids and find a way to pin this on someone else. I love you so much right now. Let's go to the hospital. Well, Brian, I'm proud of you.

(MUSIC TINKLING) (CONTINUES TINKLING)

Cancun, actually, thanks for asking. Just got back. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure. (GASPS) (ALL GASPING) How was Cancun?

Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family.

What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore.

Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!

You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

Please let it be a fart contest. These are tranquilizer darts.

Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple? All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?

Ahh! If I was an oven mitt...

He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him.

Oh, uh, my--my-- My--My day was ok.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

For the fun we're gonna have, Brian. We're gonna have fun tonight. Good old-fashioned, all-American fun. Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while.

My God, I've done it. After 80 years of work and research, I have written the greatest dirty joke in the history of mankind! (LAUGHING) (GRUNTING)

Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?

Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more. Peter, wait. I-- "Very interesting. "But stupid."

Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch? Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Um, i--I left the receipt on top of my bureau.

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

(LOIS GIGGLING) Whoo, nice roll, Lois! My God. If she chews gum, she's got the whole package. Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die! God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports.

I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me? Duckie? Ah! Useless, every one of you! Fine. I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!

Yeah, guys, I'm sorry for screwing up all your favorite shows. Oh, that's okay, Peter. So, what do you say? Are we pals again? - Of course we are. - You bet. Well, let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing. I think Zack and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

My husband had filled out an organ donor card before he passed away, and a woman just lost her face in a freak accident.

Lois Griffin, poop for one. I also need a poop. Do you have a reservation, sir? Yeah, I called a couple days ago. Who did you speak to? Dave... Al... Jeff... Ilium... Tonio? Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio hasn't worked here for four years. The hell with you. I'll use the other bathroom.

"'It was past midnight when the blonde, smoking-hot lab assistant, "'who looked a little like Heather Locklear, only with bigger jugs, "'was grabbed and thrown onto the lab table. "'He ripped off her lab coat and she grabbed his metallic extension.' "Oh. Did I mention he was a robot? "'Cause that's kind of important.

Shut up, bitch! Oh! He got you, Lois. No, no, no! Tracy can't do this. She can't just leave him here. Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family. I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep? He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would you like that, sweetie?

Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin. But you can call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.

I know Brian's work has him coming and going at all hours of the night. " bet it does. I bet it does. Okay, well, Stewie has to go now. What are you talking about? I want some more of Jillian's delicious lemonade. I know. It's good, right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it. Oh, this is fun, huh?

And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some!

Doesn't seem too hard. All right, go stand over there. (LAUGHS) No, you don't. No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Shut up, old man. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians.

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

But abortion helps me get my homework done. And sometimes I abort in my sleep! What am I supposed to do about that? Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this.

This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.

I don't wAnna wait For our livEs to be over Boy, miss jacobs, for a teacher, you sure make love good. Actually, it's "well," Pacey. You mean to say, I make love "well." You're good to go again, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah... Peter? Hello, Peter?

(BARKING) (WHISTLING) (BARKING)

I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Reminds of that guy who was way too happy he didn't get killed on 9/11. (GASPING) (SIREN BLARING) I'm ten minutes late for work! Look at that! I stayed up late watching Monday Night Football and that saved my life, huh? Isn't that awesome? Oh, but oh!

Sorry, lost my wallet.

I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin! Dear God, this is where we're sleeping?

Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover. Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white. So, we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer. Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire. By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop. Yeah. You know, our youngest has been accepted to Northfield Mount Hermon. Oh, gosh, is Lauren in high school already?

Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you. I-Is this a bad time? Never a bad time when you're with the q-Man. Come on in. Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately. It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois!

I'm telling you, Chris is dying 10 times worse than those other kids. He's got a very rare disease called, uh, uh, tumor-syphilis-itis-osis. Hmm. Sounds sexy. What are the symptoms? What are the symptoms? Take a look!

Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite. Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA?

Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho!

Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) (INHALES) Ah! Just as gorgeous as ever. Actually puts me in the mind to write a spoken word poem.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Yeah, well, you're a cunt.

Hey, Mom, you should try out. I mean, you majored in journalism, and you've never done anything with it. Well, I did write for my college newspaper. Yeah. Didn't you do an interview with that fast-talking FedEx guy? Yeah. I ended up dating him for three months. That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested.

Go on. Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. (SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord. PETER: Here's your milk.

And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired. Well, I really don't know how this happened... but I guess this is the last time I get to see you.

Listen, Brian, I want you to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops. Brooke, I'm so in fore with you

I've run that company for 40 years.

- Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt.

I got $600! I got $850! I got a rock.

Nah, nah Family guy

That's part of being a family. It means being responsible and faithful. Well, that doesn't sound very fun. Well, if that's how you feel, then we no longer have a family. Boy, I'm glad you said it. But this is my house, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me.

yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me

YEah. Uh, This is a message for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson. Uh, Listen, I read your script, and it just, uh, you know, jumped right off the page. Uh, I think it's something I'd be excited to be a part of. So, uh, call my, uh...

It's lucky you packed so many blow-up dolls,

Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives!

We'll turn this place into a karaoke bar. Oh, man, that's the best idea since they faked the moon landing.

(CHRIS FARTING) CHRIS: Sorry. You really know how to waste a Cialis, don't you?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head. - Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS)

Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck!

You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else.

Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets? Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!

I think I know what you're getting at. Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter! Dad, you're pretty, like a girl. You look like a totally different person. Oh, This is crazy! You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your...

Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

I'm a born athlete, just like Greg Louganis. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?"

(YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page. What the... How did you... (EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat? I got another cat.

A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

He's wearing a wire.

Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

Oh, I have to buy a new dress. All the ones I have make me look fat. Oh...

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Talking is for terrorists and blacks.

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

STEWIE: Hah! You tell him. Why? I agree with you. All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance, and that's just wrong. You think I'm... (STAMMERING) See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say,

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.

What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING)

Is that true, Dad? No. Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place. I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right.

What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo." Well, it's in the Guide.

Hope Cupid brings you a saggy old bag of treats.

(ALL BARKING) Indonesia better be worth it.

So get ready, fuckers.

That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here!

Good morning, Lois. My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today. Well, why shouldn't I be? You saved Rupert's life, and I love you for it. So, warn the villagers. Here comes the cuddle monster. (YAWNING) Oh, Lois, your breasts are great.

Yes, sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order? Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy, and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak. Right away, sir. Peter, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with getting me acting jobs. Tom, who's the agent here? You are. - And who is the actor? - Well, I am. Wait, which one am I, again? The agent.

Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

I don't have to take that crap from you, neck. You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die. You'll die if you do that. Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf? I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder. Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner, but you married a bartender with a kid.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K?

Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? I--I died a little inside, yes. You happy now? Don't you use that tone of voice, you... What were you-- What were you going to say? "Fat ass"? "Wide load"? "Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"? How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?"

Chris, where have you been? I don't know.

MAN: What the hell? Come on! No drive. Is wet. Hey, fun party last night, Joe. You guys, I got something to tell you. The weirdest thing happened to me at that party. I got kissed by this chick cop.

What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

You know what? I know we have a dangerous job to do here, but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch. PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three.

Is it because I'm the pretty one? The talented one? (AS STEWIE) Oh, for God's sakes. You know, we're all sick of you! That's right, all of us! (AS KARINA) Sick of me? Oh, that's rich! You know, I wasn't going to say this, but Mother hates you! (AS STEWIE) That's not true! You take that back! (AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me!

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg.

Hey, Look. Here's a picture of your great great-granddad, Osias Griffin. He owned one of the first dozen telephones. Hello? Hello, Jonathan? No. What number are you CALLing? 7. No. This is 3. Oh, Sorry.

- You mean Admiral Spruance, sweetie. - Huh? Well, Halsey was hospitalized with psoriasis at the outset of the battle. So Spruance, who, prior to June of 1941, was primarily a desk admiral, was charged with leading the naval fleet at Midway against Japan. A victory which surprised even his peers, and, in fact, was a turning point for the American naval forces in the Pacific. No, yeah. That's the part I'm at.

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy. Well, the pocket-dial giveth, and the pocket-dial taketh away. You'll never take me alive!

Uh, $12 for coach. Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door?

(GROANS) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)

You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem.

What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

Steinberg, You can learn something from this fine young-- Damn it, Steinberg! Take that hat off!

Just practicing for Christmas. But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian. Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him. Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian. How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on!

I'm bored. Yeah, this sucks. What are we supposed to do all day? Well, how about we play charades? Ooh, yeah. Okay. Me first! Me first! Okay, it's a movie. All right? Movie. Movie. Peter, there's no talking in charades. Okay, sorry, sorry. Okay. (WHISPERS) Movie. Peter! Sorry. Sorry. (MUMBLING) Okay, one word. Peter, you're still talking! Okay, okay. Right, right, right.

Let me just ask you this. When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind, is it good?

PETER: Brown house.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa!

How about a little angry sex, huh? Oh, all right. (BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate. What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.

(FARTING) Sorry! Sorry. Been building up for a while. Sorry. (CONTINUES FARTING) I'm sorry.

Okay, and if I win, you have to go online and download that footage of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, and you have to forward it to all your friends with the message, "Oh, my God, look what I just found online! "Isn't this the funniest thing you've ever seen?" - So, is it a bet? - Yeah, fine.

Look, I-If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit. I was doing shtick, I tell you! Humina-humina-humina!

Hey, Jasper, how are you? Hey, Brian! Congratulations on your new play. Oh, thanks.

We haven't made love ever! (CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby!

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze!

Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know. I'm eating number two now. Eating for two, honey. I'll be back.

Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?

Feel good about that?

this court finds you guilty. Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, keep your eye on the sky for the aerial acrobatics of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now. Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much.

Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Then sing one of your songs. Freddie Sanford Freddie Sanford and his son Freddie Sanford In a junkyard having fun What the devil will they screw up next? (GASPING) You are Kanye West! (MUSICIANS TUNING INSTRUMENTS)

Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father. Thanks, son. 37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.

Oh, I'm so thirsty. Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on. Let me put the bowl down first. You're gonna spill it. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down.

That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God. I'm going to go take a dump now, so I don't have to later. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico? Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss!

Oh, we're done. Here you go, guys. Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me. Of course, Cleveland. Oh, man. I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model. I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island.

and you'll be cooler than a mid-'80s novelty answering machine message.

You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri? You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her.

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's. Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go.

I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out! How does Kevin Costner keep getting work? Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here.

Oh, Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?

Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that?

Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)

Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk. Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch? Peter, what are you angry about? You get to go on a cruise with me. What? What? Well, yeah, you didn't think Brian meant for me to go with him, did you? Great. This was a bigger waste of time than Ringo's songwriting.

Go away, damn you.

Don't you see what he's doing? He's just being immature. It's happened before. And it'll pass. Lois, what Peter is doing to you is exactly what Carter did to me for years. He's repressing your Jewish identity. (CARTER GIGGLING) But, Mom, I don't really care about being Jewish,

Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? No. Not necessarily. (GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel.

Okay, for starters, why don't you just lay back and relax?

The Catholics have churches. Fat people have Wisconsin.

I... We never switched. We don't even look the same! All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

(LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it! I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

Oh, gosh! That's funny. That's really fun-- D-Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" you know, i've--I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm, You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference--reference that outside the program before. Because th-That's what she says on the show, right? Isn't it?

Look at me. I'm dancing.

Hey. Hey! Psst! Wow, Peter! That's a book, isn't it?

Here, baby. I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about. Brian, would you-- Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs! Wait! Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite! Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now? Oh, Sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife?

Yee, would your people really do this? Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family.

I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done. You remember that favor I did for that park ranger?

They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical.

- Hey, what's up? - Hey!

Well, I better take this cocaine down to Evidence. Oh, hey, I'll-- I'll do that. Uh, I'll catch up with you guys at the pub. So it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas! Ah, This is gonna be great. Cruises are the best.

You went in there and you stood up for what you believed in. Yeah, now I don't have a TV show anymore. Who cares about that? You made the right choice for your own integrity, and that's what matters. Well, I suppose you're right. And hey, at least I got something on the air. I mean, not everyone can say that. (CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws.

- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!

Oh, Stewie, stop eating like a little piggy.

I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year.

Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't diE. Go on. That's iT.

Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born.

Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic!

I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes. I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien. I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens. MAN ON STEREO: Party music

Well, you said it couldn't be done, Brian, but I created an exact replica of the Raytheon executive headquarters in El Segundo, California. Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend. (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops! Hey, excuse me, fella?

Nah, What would Lois be doing at a diner? I already ate. Take a look. Oh, my God! That is Lois! Why the hell would she-- Whoa! I can see your skin cells! Oh, hey, I saw your picture on the cover of Scientific American. You looked great. Oh, Please! Where my eyes are, like, half-closed? God! Just take the damn compliment.

Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts. Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room.

You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn.

I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone.

Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter. I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.

You're a meanie! (CRYING)

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Oh, My God! Update! "Exclam"! Scott Martin just asked me out again! Oh, My God! This is date number 3. Are you gonna get to 2nd base?

Okay. Prepare for itemized insults. A. Don't ever listen to me talk. You don't deserve my words. B. When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically. And C. You actually like High School Musical? What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room. Questions?

(EXCLAIMS) So, what's with you? No Valentine's Day plans? (SCOFFS) No. I've had it with Valentine's Day. I'm sick of all of it. Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just...

" want a new hat! " want a new hat! I want them to have new hats!

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat. There you go. Jeez, Frickin' perverts.

See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, apparently your son got into a little scrape with my kid. Oh, dear. They're not getting along? Like an old guy and a midget. Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you?

And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris. Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed? Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection. (LAUGHING)

Peter, is that you? Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior.

"And then Captain Leroy Hot Dog "Zanzibar and Gina from my work "got in the back seat of his really cool spaceship. "Gina was finally wearing that tank top I got her and nothing else. "Zanzibar knew he couldn't control "his space horniness any longer, "and then they totally did it.

Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.

Dad. What's your name again? I wanna say Allen. Oh, it's so good to see you guys. Peter, we'd given up hope.

I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.

Enough of this crap. Ezekiel. Call off your boys and let's you and me finish this man-to-man. Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating. Dad, stop. Leave him alone.

Lucky there's a family guy

Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it!

Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom. Ok. Ok.

Beep-boop-beep. I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right?

but isn't it a little esoteric?

I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

Okay, everybody, time for paintball.

If all of us, everywhere, can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, even in hard times, but if we don't, we may have to give up Christmas altogether.

My God, you are the sorriest bunch of rejects I ever seen, and I've seen The Bangles in concert. You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right!

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh... the new Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00? Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot... Oh, Crap! I didn't push "end." This is gonna cost me a fortune.

Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler did after he wrote Mein Kampf. Well, we read it and we don't like it. (SIGHS) We love it! (BOTH LAUGHING) You got me!

Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver. And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back. Okay. Give me back my family. Get off me. I want my family back.

Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?

- The tooth fairy isn't real. - What? Look, I didn't wanna burst your bubble since you're just a kid, but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)

I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS So, listen, Cleveland. Um, The reason I asked you out here,

Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mister Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah

A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration. So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal!

Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt,

Oh, The Phillies won.

We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know. I'm eating number two now.

(GASPS) Ahhh! (RETCHING)

Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.

I don't think he's got the leverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore.

Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter. Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides.

I could blow your brains out and they'd throw me a parade! What? I'm just screwing around, Brian.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share!

Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING)

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther. Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus! Damn! Lost focus! Life over! (GRUNTS)

Yes. Sleep away, woman. But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, yeah. (SCREAMS) Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself.

Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot! Take your hand away. Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire. Oh, my God! A piece of your brain came out! Ah! Well, that can't be good! Well, maybe it's not so bad. I can feed it to my pet zombie. Here you go. Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya?

Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387. God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?

He's a family guy

That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell.

(PHONE RINGING) Oh, this is my jam!

I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows No stranger to you and me (IMITATING DRUMS)

That's me. I'm Bob Funland.

Oh, that's kind of fun. It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear. There it is again! TIPPER: It's probably just wind, honey. It's not the wind! And this is our Fox News daycare center.

Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch. May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card? (LAUGHS) Hey, Lois. Diamond Jim Brady over here just asked if we accept the Discover card. LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive club called "anybody." Yeah. No, no, no, I don't think so.

Joe, my feet are starting to swell.

I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat. Shut up and go to sleep! (BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me! I'm trying, I... Try harder! Peter, if you just stop for one second... Lois, that hurts. Quit it. (BOTH MOANING)

All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no!

Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm.

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick. W-where--Where are the bags? What the deuce do you mean? They're right... Rupert! I told you to watch the bags!

I bought a tank.

This is humiliating. Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. No, I don't. I quit! Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me! Hey! Hey! Don't you start running! W-Wait, Meg! Meg! Get off that bus. Don't you go to La Guardia.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Wow, we're having a conversation!

What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

(CHUCKLES) That's the way it goes around here. Once you come in, you're never allowed to leave. I got my sentence extended 30 days once. That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do?

I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet. (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson. Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working? So, I see you're in a band. Yep! Listen, your parents tell me you've been acting out a little bit,

Why do we have to get me a suit here? Well, since you keep ruining them, I'm not going to buy you a brand-new one. Yes, I'll take this teddy bear, this ruler, this piece of string and this cardboard box. (GROANS)

Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal.

Man, this is the worst job I've had since I was the conductor for the Sand People choir. And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING) No, no, no, no! The altos were early. This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow! Relax.

Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right?

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

It's up to you, Peter. Either you leave now, or I set up one of your random flashbacks. All right, all right, all right. Okay. Peter, what do you care... No, no, Brian, he's serious.

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do? Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.

TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11. How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there.

Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die.

I don't believe this. Cleveland, you're sleeping with my girlfriend? Nobody told me Carolyn was your girlfriend. I'm not his girlfriend. Carolyn, what are you talking about? We've been dating for three weeks. Well, you never made a move on me, so I thought you just wanted to be friends. Then I met Cleveland, and things just kind of took off.

Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic.

Did you like the movie? Well, that's not the point. Did you like the movie? Well, of course, I loved the movie, but, look, I'm no writer, but if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it. So, you didn't like the eagle. Well, no, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful,

You know, Peter says we sound alike. Really? I don't hear it. - Actually, I think I do hear it now. - Really? Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interaction, so I've never noticed it. Hey, I think I hear it, too. Seems lazy, doesn't it? Well, there's only so many voices in the world, some of them are bound to be similar.

Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is! Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding.

Now, we can do this one of two ways. I can bust your balls to pieces right now or we can spread it out over the course of the day. I don't wanna talk about it. Well, I do. So, tell me everything that happened at the dance.

thou looketh sternly down upon us thine flock, even though we did not do anything wrong, and have been doing chores like fucking crazy. Please make us humble and deliver us more hardship, that we may get thick, calloused hands, much larger than other people's. And grant that we become dull, like Eric Bana,

You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind. But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it. (SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

Oh, hey, Oogy! Oh, you look tense. Well, Jillian, there is something we need to talk about. What is it? I just wanted to spend some time with you.

And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12. I mean, you should get an eye patch. Eye patch would be cool.

Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you

Everybody ready to go? All set, Peter. Good. Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America ALL: The spirit of what's old and what's new

Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way

Ok, let's go over the commands. Uh, Sit. Good. Uh, Roll over. Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here. Let's call it a night. Do you want to win this thing or not?

I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch. After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis. Hey, guys, what is going on?

Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured.

Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful. He looks just like his father. Boy, I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids. I'll never know that joy. Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance. You think so? I know so.

Peter, did you have fun with Brian? No, Lois, he was a wet blanket. And I'm starting to think you might be right. Brian's getting old. He's not the dog he used to be, and I'll have to get used to it. Just like I got used to my acrylic nails.

Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears....

Well, Beth, what do you think? Does Mark find you attractive? I don't know. well, Have you asked him? Not exactly. All right, look. Let's try some role-playing. I'll be Mark, And you ask me out to th-the box social, or whatever the devil it is you children do these days.

My God, why is there vomit everywhere?

Sure. All we gotta do is get you A little fixed up. you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean-- shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you. Gee! Y-You really think so? Absolutely.

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS)

And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask.

Hello there, sexy. Hey, do you mind? We were having a conversation.

Yeah, there was a pretty positive review carved in Tony's ass. All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father... that we're here for his band's first performance. The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Ouahog... Fat, Horny, Black and Joe.

Chris, what the hell? I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up! I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.

Well, Break a leg up there, Brian. Well, you seem awfully enthusiastic.

(GRUNTS) Let me go! Let me go, you bastards! You're all gonna pay for this! Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you. I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it. (ALL LAUGHING) Okay. All right.

The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work. Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father. Thanks, son. 37 beers.

All right, so I got my handgun and I'm just randomly firing it into a crowd of people, and then... And then what? And... Nothing. Nothing. No, no, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story. It's stupid. Stupid story. I'm calling the police.

Oh, That's it! Peter, you're suffocating me with your jealousy. I can't take it anymore. I'm calling a marriage counselor. I mean, I can't even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out! What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me!

I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know. A pestilence here and a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that, hmm.

What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!

What the deuce has come over me? Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love. Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh, excluding that first "ha." Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes. Aha! Her eyes are green! Aha! Thank you for proving my point. Damn!

Tonight's our family night. We agreed that every Sunday, we'd do something together. (MEG CLEARS THROAT) What? Oh, nothing. I was just clearing my throat. Good. I thought you were going to say something. But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games!

Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey? Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... so, I'm just gonna.... There we go. Oh, God. Hang on!

Why is everybody glaring at us? Why, Lois? I'll tell you why. your--Your faux pas last night at the concert was so upsetting I called a university professor to tell me what phrase to use to describe it. Use "faux pas." Thanks, professor.

Ah! That breeze is gorgeous. And I think I smell croissants? Do you? You have an amazing sense of smell. - Oh, there it is. - There's what? Oh, nothing. Just the Goodyear Blimp. - It says, "I love you, Kate," all in lights. - (GASPS) Here? In Paris? Yeah, it's here for Wimbledon or something. Oh, my God.

It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his... I say, what's this? Volume! Volume! Look, what's the big deal?

T-R-E-E. Tree. Correct.

Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. Ooh, Damn! Must've pulled something playing hoops last week. I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no "J."

See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time. Corrects you? Brenda, he's not correcting you, he's beating you. Well, I can see why you'd think that 'cause of the punches and all, but, it's just that Jeff's been so angry about immigrants. What? It'll be better when he gets back to work. Our relationship is just complicated, that's all.

(SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!

She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch,

Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck. Hey, Meg, I need to see the Mayor about this $400 parking ticket. Brian, you can't just barge in here. You have to make an appointment.

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this.

I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1. I think I may have made a mistake. No, no, no, no, this is it. You're in the right place.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?

H-Hello? Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her! Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Everything's fine, Everything's fine. Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. Yeah, Yeah. Uh, Apparently you--you can do that. Give me the damn phone!

- Megan! - Aah! How was school? Uh, Good. Kevin walked me home. Kevin? He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy.

Why the devil would they include small parts? Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up. (GROANS) Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. Dude, you're lucky. If you put that under your pillow, the tooth fairy'll come and give you a dollar. What? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here?

Wow! The jocks have never said hello to me before. Hi, you guys. Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut. She's really sweet and struggling to raise a family. It's gonna be great! Wow! You did it, Connie. Chris Griffin is popular!

Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah!

Ahhh! (RETCHING) Ahhh!

Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Boy, I hope Lois is watching.

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to.

This is gonna be awesome! You said it. (IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet? (IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny. (IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man.

Tonight, Channel Five mourns the loss of a dear colleague. My moustache.

The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on. All right? This is my show, and it's a serious, intellectual hour of discussion, and I want to keep it that way. Hey, no problem. All right. In three, two, one. This is The Lunch Hour with your host... Hey, what's up, Quahog? From the station that reaches the beaches, you're listening to Dingo and the Baby.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals,

Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you!

(ALL CLAMORING)

All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealing with here. Oh, crap! You smell that? That's brain smell. Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'm taking him to the hospital. No, no. I got one last plan, Meg.

Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range. I mean, yeah, you can wish it, and you can do it, but only if you have the educational advantages, the societal advantages that, like, what,

I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...

Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian. Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan.

Uh, Peter and Lois are, uh, getting intimate. My God! I--I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them! Wah! Wah! Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman. Aw, Did someone have a bad dream?

Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar!

All right, let's get to work.

Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward. Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it... a time machine. E-flat, Salieri! E-flat!

Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?

Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house.

Oh, no! Both the pilots are unconscious, and we are in a nose-dive. If only there was someone on board who could save us. I said, if only there was someone on board who could save us. Peter, I don't see Quagmire. - Oh, that was great. - Thanks.

Everyone, we need to discuss our problem with Chris. His little habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand. I mean, look at this. What's that, some kind of board? It's Chris' blanket. We got to do something about this. I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time.

There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there? Oh, my God. Stewie, just shut up and go to bed! Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.

MAN: Does Lauren Conrad have a new beau? An anonymous source has the answers. STEWIE: Oh, yeah. I know that guy. His name's Brian Griffin, and he definitely boned Lauren last night. Great. Great. That's fantastic. Well, I think it's wonderful that you're dating such a classy, well-educated girl like Lauren...

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself? And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn!

(PHONE RINGING) Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman. Hey, Laronda. No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.

I have a Barney pen in my purse.

I think I'm up in that blimp. Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.

All right, past. Here I come.

Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn.

Well, I call you cheer-losers! Hmm, This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group. And what happened with the pyramid? I almost broke my neck! The pyramid! Of course! That must be the key to their power! Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude.

Cool. And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley!

Hey, Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night? Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun? Heh, heh, All right!

(CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports.

Your father is, uh...

Good stuff. Good stuff.

What happened? Did we get laid? You jackass. Those women were coming on to you and you blew it. Now we got to go to another club and start all over again. Peter, I don't want to go to another club. I don't want women like that. I want Babs. Babs? You got a room full of chicks like that and you're thinking about Babs?

I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois, either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman. Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to take it from the back. Take on me

because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass.

The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together.

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him.

What is that? Sweet! It's some kind of lab. Hey, maybe it has one of those things that goes... (IMITATES ELECTRIC BUZZING) 'Cause that's important for science. Look at all this stuff. Burners, plastic tubing. 12 cases of cold medicine? You guys,

Okay. So, what kind of stuff do you like to do and junk? Well, I really enjoy some of the music black people have been coming up with lately.

Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!

Oh, my God! Well, well, I think we've found our killer. Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy.

(MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity. That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day.

You know, Silly Putty's awesome, but you know what's really cool? Serious Putty. Ooh! This looks like fun! It says I have cancer. We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg.

Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.

(SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough! My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this.

No, thank you. I just had it cleaned. No. Ah, Jeez. All set, sir. I don't have any change. Sorry. Oh, That's ok. No charge.

So I need some of your urine, so I can... Uh, you don't have to be naked for this. But I don't have to not be naked for it, either. Aha!

Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.

Peter, I think you should go.

Wasn't she supposed to leave, like, two hours ago? I thought so. Go ask her what she's doing. I'm not asking her. You go ask her. Consuela, I thought you finished cleaning hours ago. Yeah. What are you still doing here? I wait for rain to stop. It's time for you to go home. Is too much rain. I stay.

JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp.

(HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there?

Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk. Wait. Hold on a second. "Pie," "drunk," "the"? You got yourself a sheriff! Boy, it's so quiet around here! I know.

Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

That's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night. Ok, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Wait a second. Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar.

Thank you very much. You guys have been terrific.

My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.

HERBERT: Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never!

We didn't have no money for a present. So, we all just spit in a jar. I can't believe you're leaving. Me, either. I'll be sure to write. And I'll be sure to learn to read. And the next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of uS.

So, you do go all the way.

Was that a porno?

But I thought you made a lot of money here. I used to, but it's all gone downhill since Muriel died. She could get away with overcharging people, because they were always mentally undressing her and then re-dressing her once they saw the horrible mess underneath. But in that interval, she robbed them blind. (SOBBING)

You know, Chris, a little hard work can do wonders. Just look at how they built the pyramids. They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.

and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.

I will take Drakkar Noir. (WARBLES)

Well, excuse me for being retarded. My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...!

Hey, look, it's the burning bush! Hail Mary, full of guys. Oh, come all ye face-full. Come on, guys, that's really dirty.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

(SOBBING) Meg, sweetheart, why don't you just go downstairs and join the party? I wasn't invited! I hate Chris! He's such a jerk! Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused about who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister.

- You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car. - Yeah, can I just finish watching this? - You can watch TV anytime. I'm starving. Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap! Love you.

And, Chris, this is a comb made out of an armadillo shell. Now, just don't use it to comb your hair and make promises to women you won't keep. I probably just won't use it. Well, if you all don't mind, I'm gonna freshen up before dinner. Mom, she's so sad and lonely. Look who the fuck's talking.

"A parent giving porno to their kid "is a terrible thing.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man. Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like. A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right.

Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me! Yeah, but I got you good, Lois. Admit it. Just say it, I got you. (LAUGHING) Oh, all right, you got me.

I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house!

Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay.

No! What--What would make you say that?

Okay, why don't you go ahead and stick that in your mouth, too.

Yikes! That's a recipe for disappointment,

I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car.

These are mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug. Makes you see weird things and feel happy for a few hours. I figure we're going to be stuck inside for a while with this storm, so, it'll be a fun way to pass the time. Okay. Are you gonna be cool? Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool about that. (STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it, and they're willing to do it around me all the time,

Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news. Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house. Ah! A ghost! Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok.

ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes. You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was... That was just unpleasant. Sorry about that.

(GASPING) Mommy! Chris! Stewie! My babies! Oh, I'm so happy you're safe! I knew they'd find you. I knew you were okay. It's just like the psychic said. Thank you all for your help, everybody.

We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.

Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine.

Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!

(ALL SHOUTING) Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul. What? You are not performing an exorcism on my baby. Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force.

STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart...

"I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. "Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!" (LAUGHING) Where's this guy been? Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun. A lot of fun. But we got to get back over to our place and kind of do... What do we have to do?

And besides, you know, you're not exactly Father Of The Year yourself.

If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my!

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.

Quit Stalin and answer your father. Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?

What would you do with your lottery winnings? I suppose I'd want what anyone would want, really. First I'd get a bunch of jewels. Then I'd put them in a chest. Drop the chest to the bottom of the ocean with some of the jewels hanging out. Draw a rudimentary map, put the map in a bottle, put the bottle in the sea. And what do you do when you need the money? Hope the bottle washes up wherever I happen to be.

oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava. I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name!

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house.

(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia which has substantially weakened his immune system. Is he gonna die? No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined

Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there. Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! Hey, That's mine, my-- Shaft. There might be a mineshaft under this library. My God, All these kids are looking at pornography!

Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours.

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS) Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this.

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know.

Hello, LaDawn. Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse last night's indiscretion. It was just.... Oh, my God, LaDawn! What's that on your neck?

You know, Brian, Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids. Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light?

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

If it rang, like, six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois. That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button and sent it straight to voicemail. You know what? Give me your phone. I bet he'll pick up. Hey, hey, Lois! Hey, you, it's Peter. What the hell? We were supposed to do something today.

Hey, other black guys. It ain't so bad.

Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.

and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.

That's how I used to lure wayward sailors to their deaths with my siren song. (HUMMING THEME FROM THE ROCKFORD FILES)

Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there? Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier? I said all that stuff. God! Let's not-- Let's not rule anything out. Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING) Oh, hi, Peter. (LAUGHING) Ram her.

Hey, man. Cool specs. Thanks, G. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin. No relation. So tell me, home boy, how about the baggy clothes we Kids are wearing these days? Aren't they phat and stupid and poppin' fresh?

We pray. Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

I mean, when Chris grows up, will he even be able to get a job or take care of himself? And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling

Peter, the horse is here. Oh! Yeah. It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that. Why doesn't it do something? He's retarded, Lois. You should understand. You're married to a retarded man. Eh? (MOCKING) You're married to a retarded man.

The safety word is "banana."

Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

You don't have to get all... Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth?

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though.

It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.

Oh, My collagen is wearing off. Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way of telling you you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie. What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?

Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir, or I'm gonna have to fine you. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog!

The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.

and she's hideous.

(YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois. Lois! Lois? Where the devil is everyone?

But, apparently, that's not me.

Also, I've been under the weather lately, so it may not be my best work. "Shape up or show me your balls." (CHUCKLES) That's good.

It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who?

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning.

He told us he was here to make amends. But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you!

Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...

Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!

Come on. Jeez, enough with that already. You're like a dog with a bone. Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

Well, you know, I've been sorta just hanging back here, taking all this in, cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight, but my money's on Harry Potter over there. Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass? Well, I don't know if it's funny. I think it's clever. (STUTTERS) I mean, you got the big glasses there. I don't know. Tell me, tell me what's on your mind. Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad.

Hey, is your refrigerator running? MAN: Yes, it is. Are your doors unlocked? What? Why?

(SCREAMING) (GROANING)

Good evening, I'm Ed Manzelli. What can I do for you? I'm looking for a guy who used to work here. Name's Mario. Got any idea where he could be? I haven't seen him in over a month. That's the end of my line. Your line, NCIS.

Just yesterday, somebody gave Peter a "hot-butt." La, la, la, la, la. Regular life La, la, la, la, la, la... (SCREAMS) And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.

QUAGMIRE: Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris? PETER: He used his stinky French wiener to defile her. QUAGMIRE: Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris? PETER: He used his stinky French wiener to defile her. PETER: Hey, Quagmire, we're in Joe's head. Hey, let's mess with him. I'm going to leave a fart trapped in here. (PETER FARTS) (BOTH LAUGH) PETER: All right, let's get out of here.

ft goes on and on Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard! That is Journey. Streetlight people

Something I should've done a very long time ago.

Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum Hey, we should go to the circus. in local news, a new drug craze may have quahog students licked. It's called "Toad." The Colombian Spotted Toad, to be precise, Diane.

PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

Peter, it's back. What, that rash?

So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman.

What's wrong with Stewie?

You two are a really cute couple. Hey, Desiree. Oh! Hey, Lee. Brian, this is Lee. Lee, this is Brian. I know Lee from Starbucks. MAN: Hey, is that Desiree?

(HAN SCREAMING)

WheRE The hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA. Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, Who's your frienD? It's a work thing, Ma. Near-death experiencE. Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly.

PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle?

(SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake. Come on, Meg. We can be like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Just get on. (SIGHS)

Hello, Candy. Hi, Glenn. Come on in. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

I'm sensing a doctor in the audience. Where is the doctor? I'm a doctor. Okay. Your great grandmother is contacting me right now, and she wants to know if this rash looks like it's going to go away. Well, I guess I'd tell her to use Bactine. No! She says Bactine hurts. She wants something more soothing.

Peter, where are you going? Lois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face.

and I found this police uniform in my closet.

(SPEAKING SPANISH) Lauren is in the back. Just follow the music and you will find her. Thanks. (VIOLIN PLAYING)

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question.

Call it hell, call it heaven

And If you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday. Peter, I just received terrible news. This company has been taken over by a conglomerate. After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! Wow. The business world sure is funny.

Oh, Toby, I love it! Thank you! Oh, this has been the best Valentine's Day ever. But wait! You said you had to bring your boss a kidney. Don't worry. I took care of it. What the hell?

Hi! I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips on blowing up the Death Star. First off, never forget your objective. There are gonna be so many folks coming at you to slow you down, you might feel like you got a bull's-eye on your head. No, but they will be trying to kill you.

Well, that's enough fun for one day. I'm sweating more than a non-legacy applying to Yale. (ALL LAUGHING) (SLURRING)

(SCREAMS) LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there?

But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class. Advanced class? No, no, no, no, No. I'm trying to quit. Well, Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you. W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER.

Rhode Island? Forget that. I'm taking you out for some shore leave. Does this look like a "Q" to you?

Ah, Lunch is here. Everyone, we've reached our goal!

I told you she'd lead us to him. Let's call Pewterschmidt. No, wait. Let's take the jetpacks! Cool! Man! The people look like ants from up here. They are ants, Michael. They are ants.

If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885. KENNETH: This could take a while.

Peter, what's the matter with you? You can't just have sex with some random woman! Why the hell not? Because we're married! Well, I'm sorry, but I don't remember marrying anybody. Why the hell would I commit to having sex with one person for the rest of my life? Because we love each other. That's part of being a family. It means being responsible and faithful.

Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits. Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event, because of some wacko doomsday theory. Ok, Ok.

You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off?

Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS)

Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no!

You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up! Peter, come help decorate the Christmas tree. One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows.

How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? Just one! You! I'm just kidding. But French toast, please. Oh, Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife!

What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha. Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? Pre-op. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these strap hangers back where they Came from.

You're gonna want to feel the heat coming off him. Okay, Consuela, I'm gonna need you on your knees. And we're probably partway into it here, so one of your eyes is stuck shut. All the way shut. There are 11 of us, dear. All right, Tom, you're squinting. You're anticipating. Don't do that. Carl, you can take your fist out of your own mouth. Bruce, great work.

It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And Space Ghost. What are you doing? Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house. Ah! A ghost!

and the fact of your firm young body commingling with... withered flesh,

Is it not true that you went to see Dr. Hartman for a simple prostate exam? No, I went for a flu shot. At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome. I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

What if she doesn't come out of it? I know, Lois. I never realized until now how much I've taken her for granted. I mean, she's my only daughter, and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad.

That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs,

He's a family guy

It was you. you know, Clowns and petting zoos book months in advance. Y-y-You're gonna have a tough time finding a... Oh, Hold on. Ya! Ya! Some day.

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought.

What else be funny tonight? Uh, Star Jones got married. That was in the news. Married a black fellow, which is quite a surprise because I'd call her quite a catch.

The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah! Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin. And you're watching PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.

No! Oh, God, it's cold!

Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole.

PETER: Goodnight, honey. Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

He's behind the Chinese checkers.

Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home!

Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you, it wasn't at home. Was it, Chris? No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me. Oh, I should have figured. Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one! You told me that one. I sure did.

There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub? Oh, this is not a bathtub. This is the SS Pewterschmidt Kicker. This is ridiculous.

The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching,

Can we go now? Shut up! I'm having fun. Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. Doh! My fanny is not on the menu! WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Brian's gonna be so mad at me. What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right. I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents. Unattractive women do it all the time.

You know, there's a beautiful spot outside of town where they dump all the foreskins.

Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell! " don't know about this, Doug. Just do it!

Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? No. This was cheaper. I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. Our kids eat... (SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, I promise you, it's fine. Lois. Lois, Lois.

(EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck. Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face! That's just the face I make when I'm thinking. And you're always pointing at me. I was trying to start a conversation.

Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who.

That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

Someone who got him elected. Someone who padded his expense account. And all I wanted was to fire a missile into a fault line to sink half of Quahog into the ocean and make my real estate waterfront. You got that from Superman. Nobody likes you. I even let him marry my daughter Carol, damn it. I mean, doesn't that mean anything? No, not to West, that ungrateful bastard.

Ugh! I hate wet-dog smell.

Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game...

Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come. Look at that, Brian. Cleveland is back living across the street. Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time. So what does that mean?

Exactly. What's going on? Do we have to get a new mom now? No, Chris. I'm gonna go get our old mom back. If I'm the one who made her feel this way, then I'm the one who's got to fix it. Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, ugly!

Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

Everybody still awake? All right, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel? And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that?

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool.

Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke.

Yeah, Joe, even RoboCop took a day off once in a while. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Nope.

(SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry.

It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Lois, Are you crazy? Yeah, me and Dad haven't missed a Gumbel 2 Gumbel yet. You're gonna miss this one, young man. His report card came today. No more T.V. until your grades improve. Now get upstairs and study.

Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption. (PRISONERS CLAMORING)

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff.

They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here!

Like Gandhi or Mozart or Picasso.

Chris, everything I say is a lie, except that and that. and that, And that, And that, And that, And that... And that.

Hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons?

(CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But I'm here to tell you, that as of today, PTV is officially shut down. Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING)

because he's being promoted. Oh, yes! That means I'm Employee of the Month. No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere? My wife, Denise. We met in a Christian chat room.

It's real cool. Now, get up, come over here and give me a shoulder massage. Okay. Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix. Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah!

(GRUNTING) Peter, stop it!

Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING)

I'm usually more comfortable around things if I can put them in my mouth. So, can I put it in my mouth? I guess. This is just an album! Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you. So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho!

I know we just met, but you seem like you're really good for our daughter. Really? That's so great to hear. (TAIL WAGGING) And risking your life for those kids? You're a good guy, Brian. A really good guy. Wow. Thanks. (TAIL WAGGING) (THUMPING) What's that thumping noise?

Yes, I think that would be fine. Get away from my wife, you rascal! Such language in the presence of a lady. If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

yeah! In your ... face, ...!

Just slide your leg over! Peter, pleaSE!

(YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that?

My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that.

Well, well, a lost child. Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing.

We are so sorry.

He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say,

Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one. (ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches! Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

I almost don't want to ask you out because I know you're gonna say no. You want to go out? No? Okay.

Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears.

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old and what's new

You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Ok, I'll tell her tonight.

(ALL LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMS) Terrible pharmacy toys. We'll see to it that no child ever receives these as a last-minute gift hastily bought on the way to the party.

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no!

Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period.

Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I ditched the car and jumped on a passing train. (PLAYS TUNE) I was so scared, I didn't get off until I was in the South. (PLAYS TUNE) What'd you do today? I pushed a boy behind your car so I could do all this harmonica stuff.

Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately. It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore.

Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know. I see. Your silence says it all.

It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup. Doctor, is my brother really insane? Mrs. Griffin, we don't use the word "insane." We prefer the term "mentally hilarious." I can't wait to meet the lunatic. I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw.

Well, then who the hell is... Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house. (SIREN WAILING) Damn it, we tripped the alarm. Brian, the cops are coming. Let's go! What? We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas? It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion.

- You write your own lyrics? - Yeah.

(SIGHS) Hold it together, Brian. Hold it together. Come on. You know you want a drink. Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us. Come on, drink me. What are you waiting for? Yeah, you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp.

Good Lord! I am a genius. What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work. It created an evil clone of me. That's why I didn't feel more evil. All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied.

And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context. I don't know what that means. It means, if I die, you gotta burn my house down!

Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

(BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

(MECHANICAL BEEPING) Well, here we are.

- You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not.

FEMALE VOICE: Welcome to the inner vault. Penile identification required. Let me handle this. (UNZIPS) (BEEPS) That's amazing. How the hell did you match it? Oh, I didn't match the shape. I just stuck it in there and broke it.

which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40.

You may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man. Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Is this the Griffin household? Yes. There was a fire at Quahog Liquor last night. No people were killed, but the burned body of a dog was found inside. The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian!

I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Maybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet, and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks! That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

What is this? Diarrhea soup?

What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving. And, you know, I've seen you eat shit before, Brian. Yeah, mine! Is that really a huge distinction? It is to me! I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick!

(SIGHS) All right, Charmese, I'll do it. If that's what it takes, I'll have sex with another man. (RINGS) Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy. We're gonna pull you out of that school.

Oh, my God! What the hell's happening?

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so.

You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert. - Right? Right? - Yes.

Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! Cripple. Damn it!

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

Ben Stiller, help me. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies. - How did you hear? - Hello! Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again... (GASPING) Without remembering how lucky he is that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here?

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

f wanna iitterhug Jitterbug You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky high when your lo Vin I starts Jitterbug into my brain Goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING)

- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss! It's not too late, Meg. I'm here for you.

Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis!

I... I don't get it. So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week.

(MEOWING AND PURRING)

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No?

I haven't been this excited since I learned how to speak Braille. Hey, bump, bump, no bump, bump, three vertical bumps, four bumps and a square. (LAUGHING) Yeah, I've heard they all look alike.

Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor.

You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings.

HERBERT: Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never!

"0, Captain! my Captain!"

Let us "Eh." "Eh."

Stewie, time for breakfast! Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy? What the devil are you talking about? Handsome? I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak!

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

- And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think That love is only That love is only For the lucky For the lucky

Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.

Hey, if you're a virgin, how come I shot out of there like a greased-up cannonball? Greetings! I have come to see the newborn king, but sadly, I bring no gift. Well, what do you got in your hand there? Uh, my drum. Well, then it looks like you got him a drum. Pretty good gift. But this is all I own. It's what makes me the little drummer boy.

What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur.

Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt!

Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost. Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello. You and I are going on a date Saturday night.

(GUNS FIRING) Sorry, giraffes! They only bought one! Nah, they returned it!

Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on!

Lois, look over there! Run!

Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.

So, did you let him have it?

and my arm came out of its socket. Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself?

...but there's no reason I got to keep screwing up theirs. Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world! So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up.

That's what I wanted them to think. I disappeared and spread the Daggermouth rumor myself. Why? Merchandise! Daggermouth t-shirts, mugs, posters. And I'm in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show. Figured I'd pair him with an effeminate cat. What do you think? Yeah, I'd watch that. Sure. Me, too. Sounds like a good balance.

I was walking with my professor, when I saw this woman who was... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh? Cleveland, we got to get your manhood back. Now, the first thing we're gonna do is take you to a good, old-fashioned, wrestling match.

Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. aah! Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank!

Okay, okay, who would you rather do? Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first, or Eddie Izzard in drag, but he has a working vagina? Would Eddie Izzard tell others about it? Eddie Izzard is very discreet. Then that's your answer. You know, Quagmire, I gotta say, I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along.

Oh, man, I am screwed! I'm gonna lose my house, and my boat, and everything. How am I gonna come up with $50,000 by tomorrow? well, You could whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50 apiece. Or 50 really fat chicks for $1,000. What? Don't look at me like that.

Ok, Now I'm at the office.

He wishes. "Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end. Hmm. I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

Wait a minute! I don't have a wife!

No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere? My wife, Denise. We met in a Christian chat room.

Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder.

Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie. (BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.

"'but I just don't have the time.'" "'You should make the time,' said the farmer."

No. He had the DVD set. I was just being colorful with the rest of it. Well, maybe you should go talk to Glenn about it. I mean, especially if he has no idea. I guess I could, but I don't know if it'll do any good, Lois. He's in complete denial, like people in massive debt. Well, honey, I've extended our line of credit and exhausted all our savings. We should be good for another month.

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already?

Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

This is even worse than the other one.

(SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting.

So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?

Okay, that one might have been more of a visual,

And more importantly, are you all better than Jesus? I'm better than Jesus. Okay, yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus.

I-Instigated our hatred like a Buick. How could--What was I thinking when I agreed to this? T-This is so degrading. It's--This is worse than the time I was at the Friars Club and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants. Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry,

So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House.

I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else. LOIS: Peter, can you come down to the laundry room? (SIGHS) Son of a bitch. If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt. What is it, Lois? I was watching...

J.Crew outlet store. Oh, my God! Awesome! Space summer is right around the corner.

Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

Pardon me, madam. I'm the truant officer. I found these two children of yours playing hooky from school.

Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back. You got fired for racist drawings. I guess. Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle. I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.

(LAUGHS) Brian, you suck. What the devil is in here? I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie. We're a gas family now. You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle? You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman.

Like that foreign guy at work who helped me understand sarcasm.

That's what she said.

Hey, Rainbow Brite. Hello, Shakespeare. I am all done writing plays for the day. Perhaps we could have sexual intercourse. Count me in!

And he plays by no one's rules but his own. Meg, you should ask him out. I mean, you're the only one of us who's ever had a real boyfriend. I'm back. I brought another picnic. You're such a good listener. You're not like the other boys. You're so good with animals.

In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Peter, how was your first day? Horrible! I never worked so hard in my life. How the hell do you guys do this every day? Immigrant life sucks.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jackass. Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready?

Whoops. Whoa-- Whoa. Hang on, Hang on. I gave you one with silverware in it. Take this one instead. That one's probably fine.

(INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)

Hey, champ. I want you to have this pocket watch. It still works, even though it's got a lot of Civil War brains all over it. Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you a Channel Five News special report. Good evening. I'm Joyce Kinney with this special report. The latest police statistics have revealed a significant rise in crime throughout Quahog. That's right, Joyce. And just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.

If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Come into my home, will ya? I'll show you, you bastards.

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay. Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away,

What? Quick, shoot him, Chris! What are you waiting for? I... How do I know which one to shoot? What? How do I know which one is the real dad? I... We never switched. We don't even look the same! All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th.

That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident. That was great fun. I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball. I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow. Dad! Wait! You forgot me again!

And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.

Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah. You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw.

In closing, although it seems pretty clear that my client committed this murder, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you found him not guilty. That's your closing argument?

Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. you know, I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money. How can you "half expect" something?

(HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) Holy crap, this is awesome. I will not allow this opportunity to go to waste. Hey, Lois, how was your day? Terrible. I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot. (HARMONICA PLAYS BLUES RIFF) Peter, I'm serious.

SIlencE! Silence! That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak! Let's get a kitty! See, gang? Stewie's got the right idea. I don't know, Peter. Lois, trust me. We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better. Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy.

The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats!

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING) Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man.

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim?

(JOE SOBBING LOUDLY) I can't walk! Why the hell can't I walk? This isn't part of the act anymore!

Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

How come you have a gun?

Hey, babe. What do you say? We going out Saturday night? Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly. Stewie, you're being mean.

Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!

The safety word is "banana." - I love you. - ugh!

First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone! No wonder Santa lost his mind.

Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world

Okay, Peter, let's hear what you've got. (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (MURMURING)

The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch.

(CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring.

(SNAPPING) All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy... A guy who loses everything,

Well, Meg has the mumps all right. How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal? I never got a mumps shot. Really? Well, I'd caution you that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications. In some cases, the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

That's-- That's my favorite picture of Brian over there on that wall. He wants to have sex with me so bad.

Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn.

Commercial! Ugh! I'm gonna get some graham crackers.

Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines! Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he? Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me.

You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore.

I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure.

(PHONE RINGING) Oh, this is my jam!

an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge, but one thing we won't need is this. That's right, I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one. There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure.

Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen.

Wait a sec. Hold the phone. He's going back towards the track. Fellas, this race ain't over yet. (THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over.

ALL right, That's enough of that.

Where is Cindi? i don't know. But She better show up soon. It's almost halftime. You know, cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable "i" at the end. Oh, And that cockadoodie smiley face you use to dot it! You sicken me! I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you.

You forgot to say... I forgot to say "clear."

What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself?

That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick.

The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks.

(MUFFLED SINGING) Come on, Anne, sing along. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch. The one I love forever is untrue And if I could you know that I would fly away with you

Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell?

I sound like a Jewish See 'n Say. MAN'S VOICE: The uncle says... (CLEARING THROAT) The grandpa says... OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh! Kent told me he's gay, and even worse, he likes Chris!

If he had his shit together, I wouldn't be into it.

GOD: You smell that? PETER: Then, over millions of years, evolution took its course. Of course, I'm obligated by the State of Kansas to present the Church's alternative to the theory of evolution.

Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy? Okay. Why? Uh, it's a present. It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?

Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office.

He's moving it forward. See, Peter? Now tap Peter. Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises. Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay.

Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this. Who was in charge of the tractor beam? That was me. Oh, yeah? Well... You have failed me for the last time.

But I need that log back to finish my recreation of James Madison's cabin. All right, now Kids, I don't want anyone swimming in this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty. Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea.

It is your fault. I just want to come home and have dinner.

Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan? - I told you to stop. - I taste blood. Well, there's a lot of it.

(YELLS) Kristallnacht! 'Tis Long John Peter and his merry men come seeking plunder. All your TUCKS Medicated Pads be ours. Oh, my God! Oh, God! What are you... For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store.

Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.

For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR. "I'm so stressed. "Life sure is a human race."

Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you.

Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered... in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TVaudience? My poor baby. My God, Lois, you were right. Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh!

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my!

Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III.

What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast! Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car?

What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk.

Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three?

Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry.

Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.

She said "Obi-One" Kenobi. I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi? Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

Then afterwards, we'll hit the bars. That sounds good to me. I'm 18, and I'm ready to do some living. We are gonna raise more hell than Hellraiser. (GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak? Yeah, sure. (LAUGHING) Gotcha! That's more salt than you wanted.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday...

We should all be so gay! Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh? Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero. Look, you'll see. At the Navy Ball, you'll see how much of a man he is and how everyone in the military respects him.

Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it...

What are you doing here? I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too. Sorry, love. Better luck next time. Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! And What you've done is a textbook example of insurance... "fraud"! Oh, Bloody hell! What the devil were you doing in the closet anyway? I came with Demond.

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy

My God. How could they do this to me?

Oh, of course. Give him some uranium, Mean Joe Greene. Hey, kid, catch. Thanks, Mean Joe! He's not really mean at all. No, he's a nice guy.

Peter, we were just doing a demonstration... No, Brian. This is real. I believe I am psychic. My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic.

Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help!

it can enslave the human race. Come on, people! It's solid titanium. You! Over here in the back! Do I hear $100? Oh, Come on! $5? All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime. Behind the fat chick! No? Ok.

Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.

(BEEPING) Oh, crap.

When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie. This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up?

OLIVIA: I know. Look at that sunset against the skyline. I know. Wow, look at that. A perfect end to a perfect day. Yeah. Well, we should probably get home. This area gets really dangerous at night. (ROARING)

The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist.

Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already?

Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan.

My fat baby loves to eat

(EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck. Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face!

Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for? I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school.

Okay, Brian, watch. Here comes my big part. Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here?

You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit. There's one right behind me, isn't there?

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are!

Oh. You look different without my lawn under you. I don't take the lawn with me when I go. Well, I was right to trust you with it then. And this is called waiting in line at the movies. It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine.

That no one can deny It's still the same old story A fight for love and glory

One, two, three! Thanks, guys. (HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.

honey, Honey, you remember where the stool was. Oh, Mary, Mary, you're in the kitchen, sweetheart, you're all disoriented. Let me help you. the ladder's right here. Thanks, Pa.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys.

Mr. Griffin, Which of the following 2 phrases best describes Brian Griffin? "Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"? Um, i--I guess "problem drinker." But that's-- Thank you. Now, "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something"? Well, "Sexual deviant," but that other one's not even--

(ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING) Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me. You love me, and you know it. Hey, hey, mouth, young lady. Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? (RAZZING) Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg!

And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing. Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie. Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down!

(ARGUING) What the hell? All right, looks like we's gonna be here a while.

Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks.

A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations. A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting. And where Ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat. We're the proud nation where someone can shoot up their entire workplace with a thing, and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing.

Ugh! You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives.

Perhaps too clever.

French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright. Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is. - From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something?

Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.

Hi, there, Jeff.

(IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh! Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating? Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny. Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship,

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad.

And for you naysayers, I have 2 strong words for you. Come on! Come on! OkAy. Yeah, Okay. - sure. All right. - Done.

I say! Where the hell are we?

You mean just hang around like regular people. Regular people, sure, yeah. That does sound appealing. You know what? I'm gonna check back into my hotel. Oh, screw that. You'll stay with me right here. Come on, we'll have a campout in the yard. Wicked cool. His sweater was neatly folded on the grave... so we went back to the car...

I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging? ls somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy?

What? I don't understand. You're not wearing a watch. Well, you see, that's sort of a joke, Peter. Oh. Well, that's not that funny. It's kind of funny, you know. No, it's not funny. See, if you had said something like, "It's half past a freckle." (LAUGHING) You know, I'm thinking, of the three of you,

Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town.

(FARTS) (AIR HISSING) (FARTS) (AIR HISSING)

Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe. i just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner at Cheesie Charlie's. Why Cheesie Charlie's?

Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night.

Lucky there 's a family guy

Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

And the worst thing is that he's not even a douche. He's a nice guy. I like him.

Hey, Fat boy! The Griffins are not to be trusted. Mm-mmm.

Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious! I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist. Get it? Tooth hurty?

What the hell kind of dog is that? I was going to ask the same thing. That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM)

Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING) It's time for you to leave.

Previously on Survivor, Grace won immunity after lying to Kyle about a stomach virus. I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

he's A family Guy ok--ok, here's another riddle. A woman has 2 children. now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? That's--That's not a riddle. That's... That's just terrible!

And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass. (BRIAN RUNNING)

(LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Cereals do change. Now, here's something, here's something. Did you hear about this? Here's a bunch of words in a row. Because the economy's so bad, they've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons. Yeah, yeah. And they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress.

Mmm. I hope these taste as good as they look. Gerald! (CHUCKLES) The secret is in the frosting, but I'll never tell.

All right, getting a tooth to lure that damn fairy back shouldn't be too difficult.

I can't believe he's gone. I know, Luke, but it's true, he's gone. I mean, you saw him get beheaded. Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading,

Good show, old chap. Well played.

God, this place officially sucks worse than the WNBA. And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive?

"Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner? Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?

Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends! Well, I thought they could provide some insights that might improve your love life. Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy. Yet, somehow, things didn't work out.

Boy, it's really raining hard. Yeah, well, we needed it. What? Peter, we've been married a long time. Why do I still get guy-in-an-elevator small talk? I don't know. You're the one talking about the weather. So... Looking forward to the weekend?

There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable!

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

(BRAYING) (BRAYS IN REPLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two Dear little buttercup Sweet little buttercup

(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?

Ah! It's my pleasure, Meg, and you're in good hands. You see that diploma? Yale Medical School. Wow, that's impressive. Thank you, I work very hard on my calligraphy. So, how about we take a little stroll around the hospital? This area is known as a hallway. Don't worry, you'll pick up on all the technical doctor jargon pretty soon.

Well, if there are only four of us, I propose we start a band. And I propose we call ourselves Robes of Teal. Aw, damn it. Well, we could still be a band and choose a different name. Oh, no, Robes of Teal was the whole thing.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest,

Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?

Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE!

I mean, he's so damn sweet and saccharine and perfect, and he's turning the family into a bunch of douches. Big deal. You always told me I was a douche. Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche.

It's your tail. Stop wagging your tail. (WHISPERS) I can't help it. Do something. (GROANS) (GROANS) Oh, damn it. I meant hold it, not cut it off. You weren't specific. I've never done this before.

The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here?

Stewie, there's no need to... Ooh! I said no gray M&M's. These are all gray. Don't worry, Brian. I've got it all under control. You're a big canine star. They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie. Man, I wonder what he's doing now. (GASPING) Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra.

You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there.

Meg, guess what Pee-Pants got you for your birthday? A scarf. I don't want a scarf, Dad. Well, then, how about a dozen scarves?

Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Mom, can I be excused? I want to go eat the rest of my food up in my room. Sure, Meg, if you want. Eating disorder!

(RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick. Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous. Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Patrick is a very nice man. And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son. Whose pickle is this?

Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do? Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours? Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry.

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way. Just to check in, make sure everything's going well with you and Brian. It's going kick-ass! Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly.

Hey, Lois. What?

It's a wonderful day for pie - For pie - For pie

All right, what do you say we get this thing started, huh?

(SOBBING) Oh, wow, everybody's already tweeting "Stewie Just Said That."

Powerful stuff. You would have to be made of stone not to feel saddened by that. Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you. I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Yeah, there are. I lied.

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh!

You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.

Ah, jeez. Get over it, Brian.

Wait a minute. That's the girl? Yeah. Isn't she special? That's the way the state of Rhode Island would put it. There's something up with her, isn't there? Yeah. She's got Down's Syndrome. Oh, okay, well, there we go. She's so sweet. And doesn't she have the most beautiful eyes? Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but, yeah, individually, they're not awful.

You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad. No--No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late. And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away.

Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys!

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine.

Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast!

StoP! Ow! Ugh! Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids!

I am so bored. Hey, dog, when you take a break from re-applying your lipstick, how about taking me to the park? My lipstick? What? (CHUCKLING) Oh. Oh, right, right. Right, because of my penis. Yeah, that's--that's-- that's fantastic. Lois, Brian won't take me to the park.

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man.

Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, now, let me understand this, what are you here to promote, James? Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no!

There's no reason things should be any different around here. Shalom, Jews. Wow, Dad! Where did you get all that glistening chest hair? It came with my Star of David. Everyone, from now on our lives will be better. We'll be wealthy, our sons will become doctors, and we'll be in charge of charity, so we don't have to contribute to them.

Joe? Peter? What the hell are you guys doing here? Well, we got an invitation to a dinner in my honor. I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S."

I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes. It's a soccer horn. I know what it is!

Thank goodness I've got you

I'm all worked up right now, so we have to do it. Just do it, okay? Before... What are we drinking anyway? Glenfiddich. Love her! Oh, you know what? I'll just sterilize it in the scotch. You just sterilize it in the scotch. Why didn't... It's... Bitch, sterilize that bitch up, you know?

I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise? Actually, I got it on the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said, "I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again. Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.

Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad.

Joan, it's great to have you here. No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time. Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick. What is this? A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in 10 years. Hey, keep digging. Oh, ColecoVision. Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.

Yeah. I'll get hurt right onto a Wheaties box. I don't see that happening. Yeah? Who cares what you say? You're a dog. You can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag. Commie. (SIGHING) I think I'm okay.

You've heard of this man? Ho, Ho, Ho! He's only the biggest art dealer in New York. I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s. Peter, we are not going to New York!

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Hey, coachman, let's drive on the left side of the road and see if that catches on.

Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here?

(ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

What, You don't think this is amazing?

Mr. Swanson is sleep-dragging again. I'm flying! I'm flying!

How the hell am I supposed to do that? She's an idiot redneck, Peter. Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. Can I go out through here? - Just be back by bedtime. - Okay. Lunch is ready, everyone.

You don't have to put the key in the ignition. Well, open the driver's side first. Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, and there's nothing we can do about it. Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm. (SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go.

How old do you think Daddy iS? 42.

That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys. Oh, my God! It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination! Bravo, Lois.

Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight? Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice. (EXCLAIMS) I want to go.

Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles.

After all, i-it isn't really his timE. What did you make this cocoa out of, crap? If you want me to make it again, I-- Sorry, Lois. I-it's my fault. I just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap! I'll be right back.

They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante! (ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time. Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.

And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops. Huh? I'm sorry, Joe, it's just an expression. Ah.

All right, then.

(GASPS) My petition! What the hell are you doing? I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this. You idiot! Now I'm going to have to get 10,000 more signatures before tomorrow morning. What were you thinking? You don't understand, Brian. When was the last time you were even with a woman?

We'll get past it somehow. All I know is, I don't want to do anything to hurt you. Oh, Peter! Why are you naked in my house? Why aren't you? You're all right, Griffin.

The fuck's going on down there? Well, that's what we're trying to figure out.

Yeah, I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ass? And it's also why many families give their children eight days of presents. Wait. Did she say eight days of presents? Yeah. Well, this Judaism thing is gonna be better than I thought. All right, class. That's all for today's lesson. Now, everyone off to gym class.

(CLATTERING) What the hell is that? Holy crap! Who did this? It must have been my father. This is how the Amish declare a feud. But I thought they were nonviolent. We are, but Peter must have really pissed off my dad.

Babe Zaharias was a really good athlete Oh, come on! Good at track and field and professional golf, too And then, there's Maude! Amelia Earhart flew a lot of airplanes Except for that one time when she didn't come back Cleopatra lived way out in the desert And then, there's Maude! Come on!

Peter, what the hell's going on here?

'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you? Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous... You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit!

What did you see? Was it breasts?

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

(CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

That things can only get better And while I'm away Dust out the demons inside

I would like that.

Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet.

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious.

Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida. (GASPS) (RETCHING)

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage. Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion.

Tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Stop it! Ho, Ho, Ho. tee, hee! Ho! Ho!

They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay. Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified.

King me. I don't want to play anymore. The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug. Wh-- I--I can't. Be my angel and set me free. Please?

I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me. With Stewart out of the picture, this whole playground is under my control. (GRUNTS)

Yo, yo! What's up, James Woods High? I'm Chris and this is our band, Splash Log, and we're gonna rock this place until... (STAMMERS) Until about 9:30, 'cause that's when the dance is over. (ALL CHEERING) Evil monkey holds the key

All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look.

- He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here.

Dinner's almost ready, kids.

(SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do

HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?

With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!

Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

You call her "Lois."

Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no!

Oh, you don't have to thank me. This is a big deal. It's not every day that God bestows a woman with his son. Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah.

Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide.

All right. How about we go around the room and everyone can say... a little something about themselves? Let's start with you there in the front. My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed. My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn.

Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey."

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever. That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own, Brian Griffin.

or an Italian guy needs to over exaggerate.

If I haven't seen it, it's new to me. You just went a little overboard.

Hands off, fatty! Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here. Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day. Well, Now I don't know,

Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic. Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

Oh, wait, hold on a second. I want to try something. I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows

When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial. ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it!

the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her? Oh, so what?

And stay away from Muffy. She's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father, 'cause we're more alike than we know. No one, no one No one ever Is to blame

We now return to E!'s Mysteries and Scandals. Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen. Pearl? I'm A.J. Benza. You won't find Pearl Burton's name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Yet from 1945 to 1960, you couldn't turn on a radio or A television without hearing one of her trademark jinglES.

Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp. Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.

Uh, I'm so bored. Without Stewie around, I have nothin' to do. Well, we could get hammered. Oh, It's too early for me, but you go ahead. What happened to me? You know, before I was married, I led a very exciting life. Oh, my God!

Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there.

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

That's exactly what we need. Hey, Wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president? You bet we did. Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy! Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts

That was disgusting! You know, because of that, I had to use the little pig people's bathroom. All right, start the torture. (WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off! (HAN SCREAMING)

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks. so, Peter, Where shall we go for your week off? Well, I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year. This isn't bad.

MAN: (RAPPING) I'm glad you called, but I'm not home But I'll be back before too long You got to wait for the beep You got to leave your name You got to leave your number Wait for the beep (BEEPS) PETER: It's me again. I just had to hear it one more time.

What sort of overblown contract has that dreadful bitch landed now? Most of you know Olivia as the adorable little girl in the Tasty Juice ads. Hey, Mom, can I have some soda? No, but you can have some Tasty Juice. It has only one-third the sugar of soda. Mmm. Delicious. Thanks, Mom.

Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here! That nose better be piggy. - Shut up. - You shut up. (SINGING)

Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me. Yeah? How'd that go? Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world.

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts? Ah, jeez. Get over it, Brian. I mean, how bad do you really have it here?

Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock. King Louis XI. Tim, select.

but I am pregnant and I am having this baby!

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news.

Computer on. 30 minutes before ship re-expansion. Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS. Engine status? Nominal. Fuel supply? Full. Air Supply? Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums,

Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous. Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go. What is this? It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.

(BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

Now, few people realize that until 1928, there were no hoses, and you actually had to fight fires with your bare hands. I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?

(LAUGHS) I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time. You suck donkey ass. Now you can't prove that. That was so humiliating!

(CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports. Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid. Yeah, this isn't working out. All right, sorry, we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home.

"Dear Red, if you've come this far, "maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead.

Peter, this game night was a great idea.

Yeah, he's been doing that for years.

You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop.

And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton...

The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane? I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him. He's probably hurt, or lost, or--or--or shanghaied by pirates!

Sorry, that was the booze, not you.

Running, throwing, lifting big things. Teslik. That's all right with me, man. ANNOUNCER: Each shoe sold separate. Are they really that bad?

Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects... What?

(BLEATING) Lois, I need $28,000. For what? I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door.

Oh, my God and baby Jesus, we're going down!

I sithed my pants.

Uh-huh. Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store. Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod!

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

What? No, I told you, I am. You don't talk or act gay. I mean, you play football. Those jeans cost 20 bucks, tops. And you only use "hello" as a greeting, not as a way to outdo some imaginary antagonist in conversation. Meg, please stop. I know your heart's in the right place, but... Actually, it's not. It's a serious medical condition.

What's the matter, Brian? I've been thinking about us. And i--I just don't think it's working out. (STEWIE) Oh, my God. No way. you--You wanna break up. Why? I--I just don't think you're the right woman for me. (STEWIE) Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch.

Really? Where is it? Brian, it's so exclusive that it doesn't even have a location. It's in here. Human heart. I think that's a beat we can all dance to. Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better. Hey, Brian, what do you say we sing Stewie some real music?

Peter? Uh, yeah, sure. This one time, I was on a city bus, and the guy next to me was eating a bucket of fried chicken. - Oooh! - Yum! And the smell was getting to me, you know. And even though I didn't know the guy, I just dug in and started stuffing that chicken into my mouth. Uh-oh! Embarrassing. I've done that.

Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit. Yes, I'll have the filet mignon, and they can start the sunset now.

We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers. Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

Hey, you ever just drive through a town and wonder, "Who the hell lives here?" All the time. Look at this place. I mean, what's going on? There's an adult with a lemonade stand. That Chinese restaurant still has the sign from when it was a mechanic. I don't want to eat lo mein where they were just changing mufflers. There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window.

HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following: "The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" A little spending money? I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr Nick, what are you talking about?

Off to another day of jury duty, sweetie? Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order. (LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY) I don't want to go back to stupid jury duty. There's got to be some way I can get out of it. This is Tom Tucker with some breaking news.

"Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock, "and then cram it to the bottom of the hamper "like it's been there a long time." The word of the Lord. Praise be to God. Praise be to God.

Garfield doesn't care for Nermal.

(EXCLAIMS) (GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

- What do you like? - DJ Jazzy Jeff! I'm kidding! Oh, you got me. Oh, you got me, yeah.

I'm sorry, Loka. I guess I just came here because I was afraid of being a freshman. Freshman? Freshman!

ANNOUNCER: This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie. You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING)

f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?

Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word.

If it was me, I would have done something about it. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right. Hi, boys.

is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?

Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him,

A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot!

housewife and mother from Quahog, who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago. Well, folks, that's the news, and I am out of here. Daddy, she's been missing so long. Do you think they'll ever find her? God, I hope so, Meg. Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her.

Peter, Play with this. Look Sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again, and down here in small print it says, "He's signing it. He's signing it. "I can't believe it." So? So just Refund this man's money and we'll be on our way. I don't have your money! How about that money?

Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration. Oh. Okay, then I'm a black guy. Oh, thank God. It's negative.

Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'm taking him to the hospital. No, no. I got one last plan, Meg.

- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream.

Wow! You're cooler than a York Peppermint Pattie. When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being on a frozen mountaintop! It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie,

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked. Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie?

You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

Wow, congratulations, Meg.

Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

And all I gotta do is paint! Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats like the Muppets? Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight? Count me out. I'm never going to the theater with Peter again. "Remember when you were younger,

(TIRES SCREECHING) You know, Peter, it's sort of adding insult to injury raiding Quagmire's fridge for beer after you killed his cat.

(PIANO PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC) Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes. Nazi stuff? Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff. Can I help? No, Peter. Just let me work, all right? All right, all right. Okay. All right.

- You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car. - Yeah, can I just finish watching this? - You can watch TV anytime. I'm starving. Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!

We found the portal to the other side.

so he's got to suck up to you. I don't know, Peter. That'd be pretty tough to pull off. We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds. What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you?

You cannot tell Lois about this. Oh, And what if I do? I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress. You said there was no film in that camera! Come on, Stewie. It's time to change your diaper. Uh, Mind if I watch?

Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Free-- I'll take it! Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea.

Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends. Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too.

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks!

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories.

A rose for the gentleman? What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here.

Wait. Brian, I'm actually glad you found me. There's someone I've wanted you to meet for a long time. From the look of those toenails, I bet it's that little Lamisil monster. Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son. Oh, no way! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute? Sure. And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?

Ah-- There you go. Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh!

My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? Oh, Lord! Dynomite!

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)

That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot.

It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

Yes. These aren't the real lottery tickets, either. These are the real lottery tickets. So, in addition to buying 200,000 lottery tickets, you had 400,000 fake ones printed up? I had to be sure.

"I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

Wait a minute. Where's Meg? I don't know. I didn't see her. Yeah, I kind of thought you guys would attend to that. Peter, you got to go back and get her. Oh, yeah, right. - Like I'm going back for Meg. - Peter! Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg. - I know, but... - You bastard! How could you leave me in there? She's... Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society? Yes, it is. What's the secret password? Mustache. All right. Come on in. Good afternoon, mustache wearers. Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet. There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum.

Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

Yeah, I guess. You know, whatever. It's 96 degrees out. Better put on the old wool cap. Yeah. Got a lot going on under there, under the wool cap? Thinking about your sideburns?

(IN SILLY ACCENT) He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand? I am Colonel Tushfinger, and I live on the moon. So I talk like this with a moon accent. Do that! You know, Bonnie also acts. Oh, here we go. So they want me to drop the story completely because they don't want to embarrass Rush Limbaugh.

Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater?

And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

Well, Bill, see, I think... Actually, Dana, if I may, if I may, I have some insight on this. Bill, do you mind? Go, dog. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Well, it just so happens that separation of church and state is something I'm actually gonna cover in my next book, God. Period. Damn it.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.

Damn it! That was Fox News.

How long was I in there? About five minutes. Why are we not funding this?

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? Yes, yes. Follow me. Um, where are the toilets? Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.

What was that? Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl. Wait a minute. Brian?

I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion. We should spend some time together as a family. I don't think so, Lois.

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again. I don't want to impose. No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday. What do you say, neighbor? Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

Hey, Tyler, you on your way to Algebra? Yeah, I'll see you there. (SOBBING) (THUDDING) You're awful! ANNOUNCER: The preceding joke was brought to you by men. (COMMERCIAL JINGLE PLAYING)

Oh, are those tacos? You better believe they're tacos. I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla. Aah! I love tacos on a corn tortilla!

And go have sex with Quagmire. Quagmire! Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!

I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!

(INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay?

Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific. Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling. That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend. That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me.

Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight?

Hi, Chris. How'd you do on your science test? I got a D. A D? That's fantastic! Just kidding. I know it means you suck. Come here, you delightful idiot! Another D, Chris? I'm sorry, Mom. But science is so hard.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

- Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No.

Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

Hey, there. Eat up, y'all. Youse is good churchgoing folk. Y'all deserve a little treat. Give me that! Well, aren't you an enthusiastic wafer muncher. What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup.

I had a bad experience last time I went to the movies. We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis. No! No! I reject the premise of this! This place seems fun. What is it? This is called a library. And what's so great about it? (READER SHUSHES) That.

Griffin! You have sex with me or you're fired.

What do you got there, Quagmire? Is that Briggs? No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

Fine, I didn't want to play anyway! Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square!

And get the lead out, pudgy!

Oh! Here I go! There's only one solution It's in the Constitution We've got to pull the plug There he is! Quick, Peter, grab the video camera.

Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I mean, I'm just saying, what does he, what does he need a desk for? Who the hell cares? I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk? Like, right before Yoda walked in.

Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg. See you in the morning. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

"Chapter One, 'I am Born.' "Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, "or whether that station shall be held by anybody else, "these pages must show. "To begin my life with the beginning of my life, "I record that I was born on a Friday, at 12:00 at night."

I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

I'll do it. Aw, Come on! He'll call back! Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself! Ow! Peter, You're supposed to hit Brian! Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy!

That's right, Diane. As if the world weren't already scary enough, it seems you can't even get on a plane safely these days. Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology,

(PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

Logan, let's go! I can't. I, uh... I just can'T. What's with you, logan? You look like hell. Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants. I don't want to meet the man who looks good after that. Go! Go!

What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn. You're a monster.

Like when we tried to invade the city of Troy. (SOLDIERS MURMURING) LOIS: Peter, I don't think this is the right horse. PETER: I am 100% positive this is the right horse. Come on, guys, what do you say? Will you join me in eating eggs fresh out of a chicken's butt?

Maybe Dateline will do a story on us, huh?

"Don we now our gay apparel" Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Let's see, I guess 185 pounds. Wrong. I'm 95% helium. Brian, look what I won. Wow, what'd you win that for?

(GROANS) More fan mail. Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us. We're gonna be huge. Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents.

I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman.

Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING) It's time for you to leave. I can change. I can change.

Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat.

Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me.

Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.

Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois. We should grab a coffee or something and catch up. Oh, that would be great. It was really nice to see you, too.

Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat. Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me. Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore.

They slept through the graduation ceremony and somehow managed to come out of the manhole wearing clean, pressed suit, as you say. So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin.

No, no, Brian, he's serious. I'll come back for you, Lois. And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to. Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah.

I daresay, I should embrace the idea of having a little brother. After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team. ahh!

Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

All right. I'm starved. Let's do it. (PIG SQUEALING) Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Doggone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife?

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing.

No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. We'll do the dialysis.

(JOE LAUGHING) Wait a minute, who's that? I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy! (ALIENS LAUGHING) It's not the 7Up guy. Yeah, it is. Hey, say, "Crisp and clean, no caffeine."

Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths?

I love you. What? What did you say? Olive juice. Olive juice?

- You lend me money? - No. You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? No! No, I'm not doing that. I stick finger in your mouth? Housekeeping? Okay. Okay. "Nanny wanted."

Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.

There you go. Good night, Peter. I can't sleep like this, Lois. I need someone to cuddle with. Believe it or not, men like to cuddle. Even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson.

Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this!

Well, you'll have to do a better job than you did on your science test. Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long. Oh, damn! How is it? You know what? We'll put you in the '80s. You'll pass for hot. Now, get in the van with Kelly McGillis. Next stop, Hollywood!

Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow The time is right It's day, not night Just open up your heart It’ll be all right Gonna buy me a rainbow

She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What?

You know what, Meg? It's all my fault. I never should have dragged you into this anyway. I guess sometimes a father just gets a little overprotective of his daughter, but you gotta know I was only thinking about your happiness. I know, Dad, and I appreciate it. The problem now is that these people are expecting a show.

That's right, Tom. Which means that all life on Earth will be destroyed within 24 hours. Oh, my God! Mom, is this for real? Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie. It's the end of the world. Holy crap. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

(SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, I promise you, it's fine. Lois. Lois, Lois. I will decide what is best for my child, all right? Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son.

Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin? Any what? "Anacin"?

'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt

So, listen, if you guys aren't doing anything later, the Chief's throwing me a little party to celebrate my bust. I am going to let Quagmire answer first. Yeah, I'll go. I shall go, too. Great. I'll see you guys tonight.

on the outside.

- From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. - All right, Brian. - Good.

Hey, Dad, what are we doing here again? Pigs, Chris. We're getting pigs for Stewie's petting zoo. Crafty swine. U.P.S. Heh, Little bastards ain't as smart as...

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach. Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out. - Full-on. - Right? I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere.

This is pure exploitation.

It's chillier out here than Angelina Jolie. Something like that. I don't know, I'm so cold. She took that sad old lady's husband. You're just gonna have to block out the cold, Stewie. Picture yourself in a warm place. (INHALES) Okay, I think I can do that.

Okay, not too happy, not too happy. Pull it back, pull it back. Okay, and number three, could you say, "Julie, I promise to get back on my feet before the baby arrives." Julie, I promise to get back on my feet before the baby arrives. He's good. Yeah, he's always good. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, thank you.

(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, boy! What a fantastic evening! Jerome, you are a wonderful addition to our group. Hey, thanks, Peter. I like you guys, too. What do you say we hit another bar? Keep it going?

(ALL SINGING) - When the night - When the night Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school?

But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller, when I need you more than ever? I've taught you everything you need to know, Peter. Now, it's time for me to go help another child.

Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes!

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left

The Last Mimzy.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun?

See you, Stewie. Brian, please, can I go with you? It's so boring here. For the last time, you can't come with me. Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time.

(SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY) "I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)

Listen, I don't have time for this. I'm late for a hostile takeover of a jelly factory. I'll show those Smuckers. That's fine, but you can't drive. Oh, don't be ridiculous! Driver Pete at your service, sir.

Check out these ribs, Lois. Oh, yeah? That's nothing. Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad.

You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

Will you be my wife, Princess Meg? Oh, yes! Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING)

Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya It chews so soft, it gets right to ya

Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that, but, essentially, Brian's right. Being Jewish doesn't really have to change you or your family's life. Well, I guess you're right. There's no reason things should be any different around here. Shalom, Jews. Wow, Dad! Where did you get all that glistening chest hair? It came with my Star of David.

You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that. Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno?

(GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once. Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.

Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think.

Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears...

I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off during the verdict.

PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

Hey, guys, has anybody seen James? Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this. Who want little tiny tacos?

and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties? I mean, you know, back me up... Oh, and the economy, right? Back me up on this, you know? (YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint. I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes.

(STERNLY) Look, Billy, I don't care what you or your fat friend here has to say.

This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale.

Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

With apple juice.

Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's. You've never been to Kohl's? Well, let me tell you about Kohl's.

than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse.

Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis. All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that.

BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV.

It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok.

Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype. I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again. Oh, And by the way, I'm going back to the force. Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief?

I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia,

Give me that! Not on your life! Take one step closer, and the paper gets it. (GASPS) Drop your guns! Do as he says!

Brian, it was Bertram! He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to... (RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (GASPS) Peter, what was that?

(MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Huh, who's this? I like this lady. Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father... Oh, probably not. MOTHER MAGGIE: And the unicorn slid down the rainbow to a field of jellybeans where she and the other villagers decided it had been the best day ever. Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig, and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he?

I hate the idea of you getting your thrills pressing a gun up against your crotch. (EXCLAIMS) Just picturing it gives me the willies. You know, I really don't want to talk about this with you, Stewie. Okay, okay, I respect that. Thank you. Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? I'm sure.

Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news. No, Brian. The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment.

(SCREAMING) (SIRENS WAILING)

Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories.

"Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. "We had some real characters in my neighborhood, "like Frank the Mailman. "'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' Huh. "And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. "'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' "'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball.

You knucklehead. Get out of here, but know I love you. (GRUNTS) Damn these stubby arms!

Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch. So, have you seen Ghostbusters?

Ahh! My device! My teeth! I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then?

Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion. (TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING)

Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable.

That was weird. Did you hear that when I was giving her the phone? No. It was like interference or something. Wait a second! (BOTH GASPING)

It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Almost... Ow! They should really use monkeys for this.

Let me rub your belly. Put it back.

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you? Whoa, someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast.

by--by Chopin. Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M... So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you?

We're going home. No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing?

Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.

Gentlemen, this is Peter. He's the idiot my daughter married. Michael Eisner. Bill Gates. Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department. Ah, Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing.

Stop mocking me!

I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again.

(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? I'm sure. Oh, good, 'cause that'd be strange if you had fantasies about pressing a gun up against your crotch and feeling your heartbeat through your balls. Please tell me why you have it. I said I don't want to talk about it. But I want to know. Just tell me. Come on.

A Japanese or something. I'm with you, too, buddy. In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years. God bless the both of you.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back!

Well, there it is. DREYFUSS: None of us could breathe. The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined. CLEVE: He's nasty.

You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am. Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age. Or is it? I'm gonna be 17, you jerks. She's the jerk.

Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine. Trust me, you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways. Like what? Like... You... Just write down however you think you're talented, and I'll sign it.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule.

(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.

You're missing Gumbel 2 Gumbel.

If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." "The loif of the w--" No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!" Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage. we've got 5 days left,

If you've got something to say, say it to my face!

Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over.

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC. They will clean up all your talking

It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter? Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down. At least you've still got Batman and the... It was Batman Meets... You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father... that we're here for his band's first performance. The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Ouahog... Fat, Horny, Black and Joe. - Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter.

Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you...

And, Lois, I only ask this because of the dire situation I'm in, but can I... Can I hump your leg for 15 uninterrupted seconds? I suppose so, Brian. (RUSTLING) I... I said you could do it for 15 seconds. BRIAN: Didn't need it.

Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.

I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns. And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him.

Car. Car coming! We're clear.

No, they're not. I can see the little Austin Powers logo on the side. What are you talking about? These are my glasses. (AUSTIN POWERS THEME PLAYING) AUSTIN POWERS: Yeah, baby! All right, I can't do this! Can't do what? I can't date someone who's smarter than I am. I feel like Jillian. Oh! What? What, what, what? What is that?

but because baseball would not be invented for 1,800 years and nobody knew what the hell he was talking about.

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!

Well, What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with 'em? 'Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING)

(WHISPERING) (CHITTERING) (CHITTERING ANGRILY) Don't need a translator for that one. Tell him to come back when he's ready to act like an adult.

because he's going the fuck overboard.

Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter.

Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over! Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened? Ah, you know me, Lois, I don't pry. Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang!

but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks, but you're also my father, and you're the only one I'll ever have, so I'm not going to fire you. Mr. Penisberg, I quit. Penisberg?

Now, in each of these alternate universes, the reality is different than our own. Sometimes only slightly, sometimes quite radically. The point is every possible eventuality exists.

Hey, kid, catch. Thanks, Mean Joe! He's not really mean at all. No, he's a nice guy. Okay, the time machine is refueled. Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.

Are you picking up a boyfriend? No, actually. I got arrested for protesting the Walmart opening. Oh, yeah. I went to the first part of that, but then some fireworks went off and I ran for two miles straight. (LAUGHS) I'm Denise. I'm Brian. Hey, would you mind if I asked for your number?

He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms "through any crisis in any galaxy." - Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)

Go fuck yourself.

Dear God, my time machine! You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!

You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something. Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.

Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy.

Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh!

Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied. If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup. Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh!

Oh, crap. Peter! Peter, come back! Peter! Peter! Peter! I think he's gone.

Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellows? Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things.

Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh! Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!

This thing is great. Bet you could sail it all the way to the Caribbean. (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Hey, American women, when was the last time you were raped, murdered, and stuffed in a lobster pot? Well, what you waiting for? Come to the Virgin Dutch Front Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles. It's only a hop, skip, and a small plane ride that scares you something terrible.

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING) (DOG BARKING)

Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh.

Dear diary. Jackpot!

My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be a phony! A big, fat phony! What'd them Rebels do anyways? You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog. (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no! Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog.

She's got a big beautiful Jewish nose And it's there two minutes early wherever she goes ANNOUNCER: Dean Martin singing Chinaman's Chance.

Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

Oh, Peter! Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois. Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary togethER. No wonder she's gonna dump mE. Or is she?

Oh, good. I thought you were gonna be a vegetable,

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human.

Yeah, I have two brothers. They sound terrific. Hey, you want to blow this joint? Sure. Oh, wow. Really? All right, go for it! Come on. Let's go. Oh, you mean leave. (STUTTERS) No, yeah, sure. No, let's go. Gosh, Meg, I sure had a swell time with you. Me, too, Glenn.

Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier. You were right to criticize Meg. She could not even handle this simple task. She's in there right now, taking a nap underwater. For God's sake, save her!

(ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.

but if Peter did kill Lois, we might find some clues in his garbage. Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died. Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you? Oh, my God.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? No! No, I'm not doing that. I stick finger in your mouth? Housekeeping? Okay. Okay. "Nanny wanted." Well, that sounds like a good job for an immigrant. Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny.

Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way!

No, wait a minute. I can't call the police.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(LAUGHS) "Seamen." See, Quagmire? I told you he's gay. Shut up, Peter!

your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.

Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace,

I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk. My God! Is that Meg?

I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you.

We're not supposed to leave the table.

Well, this crowd was promised an author. No!

Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests. I need some urine. You mean right now? Yes, right now. Here's some magazines to get you going.

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing? Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect. CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you?

He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING)

Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down! I don't think that he's listening to you. Let's get him! ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you.

I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us. - It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner. It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Griffin. Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today. I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin. Look how vascular I am, Brian.

Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room. What? Ah! Ah! (STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself. You're not a Newport millionaire. I created you.

Don't! You are Jesus.

Don't tread on me! Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again! Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave. Oh, yeah? Just try it! Bye, now. Thanks. Sorry to bother you.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks.

(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES)

It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle.

Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you!

Quick, in here.

Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

Aw, Look at the little baby!

I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink? So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now. I shall do no such thing. Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her? Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler.

Remember me, dirt bag?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Oh, God. An angry mob. I've got to swallow all my valuables and get out of here. Did you see the mob?

so I was able to relearn them all in a day. Don't ever leave us again, Dad. Sorry, Chris, but this weekend, Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club. He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me.

I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.

What's the most wonderful thing that could happen to this family? Hmm. Oh, The Phillies won. You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister. Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What?

In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

Down by the shores of the hanky-panky Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky (SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate.

So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat! - All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant! Oh, crap! Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter. 10 years ago Daddy offered to give us $10 million, and I turned it down.

Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those?

(SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.

Hi, honey. What? What'd you say? I just said hi. Is that... Is that Bonnie's dress? Oh, yeah. Susie spit up on me, and I didn't want to go all the way home, so I just threw this on. I hope that's okay.

Oh, we're not done yet. Come on! (TIRES SCREECH) Queen! Queen! Give me some of your hair! Come on, Queen! Don't be a bitch! Get us away from that lunatic!

(LOIS EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God! Sorry, Lois. Peter! What is our infant son doing up on the roof? STEWIE: There's a raccoon up here. Yikes! Looks like I need a distraction.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Don't be ridiculous. I'll keep him company till you get back. Goodbye, Meg. Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this.

Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter!

you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself, and now nobody makes those jokes anymore. I mean, he's still gay, but now it's no fun to joke about it, because he... He beat us to the punch. My God!

All right, who's up there? Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois. Glenn, what are you doing up there? Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay. No airline will hire me after the accident. I'm broke and jobless.

Tasty waffles with lots of syrup! Waffles! Buy waffles! Waffles! WAffles!

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING) You lose!

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird?

It's called a temporal causality loop. The universe created me, so I could create it, so it could create me and so on. That's... That's the most incredible thing I've ever heard. So, wait, that means that I kind of created the universe, too. (CHUCKLING) No, no, no, no. You're sort of the Art Garfunkel of the universe.

"And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now." (WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that? It's an expression. Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair.

I know a guy who does good work. You took a big risk coming here, man. James Woods could be back any minute. I know. How fast can you do it? As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go.

Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know? I... I lost my temper onstage.

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um...

Help me what? Clean your pool with my shirt off, or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get little bits of lint out of the rug? I know what you're about, Mr. Herbert: free labor, and I'm not into it. Chris, you have to choose. It's either Franz or me.

I mean, look at that dog over there. You think he wants to be tied to that chair waiting in the hot sun while his owner gets ice cream? Hell, no! I am gonna make people see that an animal's life is just as important as a human's! Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life.

Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast!

By Christmas, you and I are gonna be richer than Bob Saget. So you wanna grab something to eat? Sure. - You ever ride in a limo? - No.

This sucks. Can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA. You know, if you ask me, this is gonna be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn. What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic. (SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.

ANNOUNCER: Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz.

I'll take this. No calls. Come on, kids! The director can't be late for the auditions. You shoulda heard 'em laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. Except For the guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine.

English - US - CC

I hope we're not too late. You should not be out here. Bidding is about to start. What the hell? Stewie!

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up next, a boxing match where the fighters are bleeding before the fight? We've got exclusive coverage of tonight's women's boxing bout, Griffin versus Jackson. We're here live with contender Deirdre Jackson outside her dressing room. Deirdre, is it true you've killed three women in the ring? Tonight it's gonna be four.

Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God!

Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. (PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)

Yeah! Yeah! We did it! Oh, what's this? What's this? It says right here we won! We won, you dicks! You suck! Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down? We're having my son's birthday party over here. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, honey. What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

Uh, Hey, you guys!

Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it.

No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you. I love it. I will kill you.

Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so.

My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.

So, uh, let's just deliver the check and... Hong Kong Phooey! Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man!

This even tops sex with a mermaid. Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!

she's not allowed to be a lesbian. I know why you're retiring, Griffin! You're scared! Scared? Of what? Of me! Look at these people, giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums! If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything. I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay.

And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING)

Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing. All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

Chris, dates... Battle of Hastings! I don't know. - Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know.

What happened to you, man? I grew up! That's what happened! What happened to the free-loving Quagmire who was banging 10 chicks at a time? I still do that. Oh. Good. Yep. Can I have some money? Get out of here, you bum! All right.

Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely. Yeah, those are cooking just fine. Scoop that one up and put it back down in the exact same spot. All right, they're done! Time to eat! Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

One--One day you--you see your reflection in it, and the next day, it's a--it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah! knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was. You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

Oh, my God, I hope the guys at Sears portrait studio will be able to retouch this. What am I saying? Of course they will. They're Sears. What the deuce? Well, hello there. I say, you're a cute little fellow.

there's recycling under the sink in the kitchen. Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do? Yeah, this doesn't seem like much of a party. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown.

Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away.

Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes. Nazi stuff? Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.

Yay! Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God! You're the best father ever! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Daddy!

Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh.

I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.

You do? Well, maybe that can wait till later, Mary. No, I think this needs to come out now. You see, I didn't move to Jolly Farm from the big city to be around animals. I moved here because my uncle was molesting my sister, and my parents wanted her to start a new life.

What the hell are Lee Logs? A little something I created. Lee Logs. Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs. Yeah, they're not selling very well. Peter, dinner!

Hey, guys! Hitler! Hitler! How's it going, Mr. Hitler? It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants.

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. It's something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours. LOIS: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes. BONNIE: And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated.

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy

- Nancy, get me a beer. - Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol. Peter, did you just throw those women away? No. Maybe.

Repeat, this is now a recovery effort.

You'd be okay. No, I wouldn't. I don't really care for anybody else. Just you. You're the only one I like. Well, thanks. I like you a lot. I guess you could say I really like you.

Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved! Really? Are you sure it's England? Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man?

This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice!

Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you. You're very polite. You're very polite. You do not see that these days. You do not see that. I like you. I like you. Oh, thank God. You know, you never really know what somebody thinks of you, but I'm glad I made a good first impression.

Hey, I'm not even hungry.

(SOBBING) Oh, wow, everybody's already tweeting "Stewie Just Said That."

Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist. And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person, and punctual.

Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns? Just tell me, Doctor. Is there anything you can do to remove this gene? Well, Mrs. Griffin, it doesn't really work that way. We just have to wait for the effects to wear off. Well, how long will that take? A week, a month, a year? Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes?

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns.

You ain't so tough, young man. That all you got, you son ofa bitch? You're going down, young man.

What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.

Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who? Fuck!

(RUMBLING) Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work. - See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube. (SCREAMING)

Supervisor? Yeah, I promoted him this morning. - Promoted me this morning. - What? Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position.

Jesus Christ. That's right. That's Jesus Christ right here. Jesus Christ. Yeah, right.

(GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out.

The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on.

Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin. Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over! Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened? Ah, you know me, Lois, I don't pry. Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang!

Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.

Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

Ok, Nice effort, Brad. But, uh, let's remember our performance hierarchy. Legitimate theater, musical theater, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime. All right, next up is Olivia.

There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert.

Oh, Wow! So, you can really give me a loan? I sure can. You see, Mr. Griffin, what sets us apart from other banks is that other banks are banks. Now, I trust you have collateral. Um, i--I got 3 kids. I'll take 'em. Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Sign this. Here you go. Good luck!

Oh! Thank God! Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka.

Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

(DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING) STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious. Total kitsch. Like an Andy Warhol wet dream. I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous. You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny? Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet."

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks!

Clear off the couch, kids. I'm gonna do your mother right here. But you guys might have to help stuff me in. Oh, my God, Peter! Oh, I'm leaving. I cannot get sick right now.

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the--

Well, gentlemen, now that you have smelled all of our colognes, what'll it be? I will take some Drakkar Noir. (BEEPS) How about you? I am disgusting, so I will take two bottle Drakkar Noir. (BEEPS) How about you, chief? Hmm. Let me quickly grow beard and think about it.

You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

God! Damn! Stupid penguins. Sorry, guys, but the way things have been goin', I can't afford to keep you. I'm gonna have to put you down. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'm--I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman? Well, Actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse! Oh, My God! You're a horse? Actually, I'm not really a horse.

Damn it, Griffin! I said no showboating!

Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it... Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is, and if you don't, that's your problem. Fine, then, I'll deal with this myself. All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner.

Lois, how could you let your idiot husband take over my company? He fired all my staff, his stupid ideas are bankrupting Pewterschmidt Industries, and now he won't step down! I know, Daddy. He's become so full of himself. He's more annoying than when he's making his Christmas list. Now, Peter, are you sure this is all you want for Christmas?

You want an explanation? God is pissed!

Lois, what are you doing here? I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be? You know, that whole swamp monster story. Swamp monster? You haven't heard? Heard what?

I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my life. I don't know who you were when you were drinking, but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are when you're sober. Yeah, you all stopped drinking because you were hurting your loved ones. But you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk. Let's make this our sanctuary. I wants me that beer. (ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

Computers exist. It's just you won't leave. Okay, where were we? Quagmire's front door. You think they're hiding in there? Oh, no. Peter, look. See you later, suckers. Aw. Good luck to them. Peter! Oh, right, right. Let's go.

Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Hi, Peter. I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight. Peter and I are going to see Zapped. I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him, and no one would be gay. Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland.

Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine! So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.

(LAUGHING) (CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING)

Brian, are you going straight back to the hotel? 'Cause I was gonna go back... You know what, I'll just... I'll take a cab.

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard. (SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying.

(KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Happy birthday.

I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know? Ifl die tomorrow, there's nothing people would remember me for. Not if you jumped off a skyscraper and landed on Joan Cusack. People would say, "Hey, remember that guy who landed on Joan Cusack?" Well, things are gonna change.

Can you believe it? We're eating with two of the three Ghostbusters. Actually, I wasn't in that. Look at these guys! They can't take a compliment!

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die! God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports. Hey, Quagmire, it's just a game. Take it easy. I'm not gonna take it easy! These guys are going down! You're going down in front of all these people!

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.

Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah.

I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once,

Dad, don't you have to work today? It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of. Hello? Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow.

Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check.

You know, Brian, before you came along, I was so depressed, I was planning to kill myself. But you have inspired me. If you can learn, maybe one day I can walk. Now, what was it you wanted to say? Uh, nothing.

(YELPS) Good morning

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Dad, can I have money for dance classes? Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. I'd pay to see you not dance. When will you be back? I don't know. But I'll be sure to be back before Chris' big dance class recital. I believe in that boy. I don't want to dance! You'll dance!

All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on. Let me put the bowl down first. You're gonna spill it. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down. Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining. You know what? This is what I'm talking about.

ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Officer, wait! I'm his wife, give me that bullhorn. Peter, you get out here right now, or else I'm throwing away all of your Mr. Potato Heads, I swear. It's okay, she only knows where the decoys are. Swanson, there you are. Listen, you hang out at this dump. I want you to go in there and end this thing.

Mmm. ohh. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm... Mmm-mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm.

Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.

Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works. This had nothing to do with the harmonica.

He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV.

Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Peter, what the hell! My car. (CHATTERING) Oh, damn it! Hey, hey, come back. (SPEAKING CANTONESE) (SPEAKING THAI)

- Who is? - (SCOFFS) Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the furthest thing from. From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To... To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person.

And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite.

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast! Damn it!

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

Neither is your mother's ass.

PETER: It was a great adventure.

Hi, there. Not interested. Okay.

Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor? She's fine. Sea Breeze will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for another 9 weeks. She's pregnant. Look, Mr. Pewterschmidt, i--I just want you to know, I am going to do the right thing here. You're not doing anything! In fact, You're never going to see Sea Breeze again! All of you, pack your things and get out!

What do you mean you found the Lord? I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my savior. It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. I want to share the word of God with everyone I know,

Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy. I want to eat a dog now. I say we eat that one! What? Get him! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this. You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in.

(SINGING) (COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING)

(STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning.

(WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop.

Jackpot! It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy

I was wondering if you're free for coffee. Oh, no, I can't! I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch. After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

(LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star. (MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in.

I'll have to consult my quantum calculations to try to isolate the factors responsible. What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now?

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.

I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car. (KNOCKING) No, yeah. No, I know it's late. I just need some tropical fish food.

Peter, you ready for dinner? That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose. Would he win in a fight with Batman?

No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno? She totally betrayed me! I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other. Ha! Slut!

Okay, I clicked "preferences." Now go to "default media browser." Okay, there's a little hourglass and it's not letting me do anything. It says "buffering." What is that? Just give it a minute. All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG. All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute. Okay, relax. Now click "import video file."

Thanks for hanging out with my friends, Brian. Hey, come on, we're a legitimate couple, right? I should be able to talk with your friends. So, then the valet pulls up. and I'm all, "That is so not my car." but then it totally was. - That's happened to me. - Me, too. Cars go fast. Oh, God, yeah,

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.

What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? (SNIGGERS) Still drinking. Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon?

Lois, I know you love this town, but nothing is ever as innocent as it seems. (WHISTLING THEME SONG) (GRUNTS) Attaboy, Ope. (WHISTLING THEME SONG)

I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person. And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. That's wonderful, Jenny.

Billy Dee Williams. Hello, Peter. Welcome to the cool side of the pillow. You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland.

Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club?

You said don't mess with her business, so I didn't. Peter, this is different. It's one thing to rebelliously flaunt an older guy in front of your parents, but it's a whole other thing to go away with him for the weekend to his sex cabin. Oh, is that right? (MIMICS LOIS) Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's not going to sleep with her. That's you. Nerd.

So, what? I had sex with you for nothing? No, Peter, I... It's just that directing this show is a big opportunity for me and I don't want anything to ruin it. Ruin it? Yes. By not using you to your full potential. You have too much talent for the stage. You should, uh...

Well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago. Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this.

Face it, Peter. It's over.

In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project.

Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud!

Oh, This is my friend, Peter Griffin. He recently discovered he was black. He doesn't look very black to me. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there with you. You ain't been there. I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side. Oh! Oh!

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.

This is ridiculous. No daughter of mine is going to be happy. Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk?

Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token.

Uh, Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect!

Brooke, what are you doing here? Oh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those? You know, I don't even know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

but one thing we won't need is this. That's right, I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one. There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure.

So I decided to sign him up for fat camp.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social. Uh, just remember, you two, Fred is allergic to peanuts.

Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! Ahh!

Hey, Joe. What's going on?

We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Wow! A big star and yet so humble. James Woods High School it remains. - What? - You can't be serious. Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

(STAMMERING) I had heard only good things. It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I got to hear David Mamet curse in person.

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

Well, Brian, it's been a productive week. I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is. Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods,

Hey, guys, look over there! It's a hot girl from Florida. No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom! I see you've met my daughter. You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar. Chewie, get away from... (EXCLAIMS)

Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants. Well, Naomi, whatever it is, I'm sure we'd be happy to help.

I'm glad you're interested in joining the National Gun Association, Peter. Let me show you around. This is our shooting range.

STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.

Well, all right. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, serious problem.

Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy.

Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel!

Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh? (IMITATES FANFARE)

I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off during the verdict. Goose! Oh, dear. It seems you're still It.

Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin.

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?

Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy.

Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian.

They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

Good-bye, kids. Good-bye, Pearl. Hey, Who wants to see a dead body?

time for batting practice.

(LOIS EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God! Sorry, Lois. Peter! What is our infant son doing up on the roof? STEWIE: There's a raccoon up here. Yikes! Looks like I need a distraction. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720.

If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE!

And tonight I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called Stand by Me, about four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found themselves and also a dead body.

(HUMMING) (SIGHS) So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday? Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there.

Yeah, serious problem.

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg.

I'm a slutty cat. (SCOFFS) Why has that become what Halloween is for girls today? It's just an excuse to dress slutty. "I'm a slutty nurse," "I'm a slutty pirate," ""I'm a slutty cancer survivor." Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

I have to talk to Connie. Hey, guess what? What? That's what. No, but seriously, there's something I want to talk to you about. Sure, Zac. Anything for you. You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet. We're gonna have a real raging time.

Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna,

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man? My whole life's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs! Yeah, I know. So what?

I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I?

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool.

I think we're doomed. Nah. Unless they've got any big, giant robot camels, I think we're okay. Jim, robot camels. Check it out, that one's wearing Crocs.

The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette." Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. Hey, guys! Th-There's no more girlie magazines in the can!

Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment. Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me! Well, then I guess now we're even. What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you! You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois?

Ever since that mega-mall opened across the street... it's been taking away all my business. They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants... 53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch. I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.

Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress. All right, let's figure out what we know here. The gun was clearly meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way. So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods. What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

little Johnny Gobraun,

Sodomy. And when he woke up in the morning, she was still in his bed! (SCREAMS) - That's it? - Yeah. And then she wanted to make him eggs! (SCREAMS) And he said, "Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30." And she said, "I'll drive you there!"

like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Oh, So I should treat him like a high-class whore.

Ew! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. You're cute. You're cute. I don't want to pet you, though. Oh, all right. (RETCHING) What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me.

Hey, everybody, Brian's the new Meg.

Wait a minute. This isn't Carvel, you lying bitch.

Now do the theme to The People's Court. (PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away!

I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts. Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house!

Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you.

Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow The time is right It's day, not night Just open up your heart It’ll be all right

Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots.

Yeah. I saw a story about them on A&E. And now back to A&E's Biography, Twinkee the Kid. It--it was, uh, It was difficult for Twink to play with other children. He--he--He was different. He was definitel-- He--He had no bones. And he couldn't really play any sports. Yeah. And That's, y'know, why we got him the lasso.

It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No!

Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville,

Come on, children. Is everything all right? Everything's fine. It's me. I just dressed up like your father to jazz your teachers and get you out of here. What do you mean? I'm taking you out of here. That place is riddled with goat flu, so I'm gonna home school you kids. Oh, okay. Dad, where'd you get this car? I borrowed it from Quagmire.

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, ok? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. What's that, Peter? Nothing. Oh, The lost-my-job smells great. What? Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence?

Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

Is that.... Doody!

Next up is Meg Griffin, sporting her stylishly cool, brand-new-- Oh, Meg! A woman from Child Services came and took Stewie! She said we fed him dog food! Dog food, huh? Meg, Is that a real Prada bag?

You're disgusting. And you're misleading. Boy, this is romantic, isn't it, Lois? Oh, it sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. What girl? The lead in Titanic, the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio.

Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich. Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.

Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze. What does this do?

We're here at the 17th hole, where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Jr. are 5 strokes ahead, making victory all but a certainty. I told you I could mold your son into a champion. This is gonna be my greatest victory ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin.

Brian, how long do you think we've been driving? I don't know, I've lost track. Besides, dogs don't have a good sense of time. Could be three hours, could be three years, I don't fucking know. Well, we must be pretty far north by now.

(ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?

That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

Peter! Yes, we need help. We're looking for a skull that my husband threw away. A skull, huh? Then you want the human remains bin. But I should warn you folks, we're pretty cleaned out right now, 'cause Carrot Top comes by every morning to rummage for new props. Well, then we'll just have to pay this Carrot Top a visit. He's funny.

"Dear my boyfriend. Thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. "That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me "were really pretty, just like you said I am. "Love, Meg." Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy.

You want to go see Mamma Mia?

So now what do we do? Me? Am... Am I... Am I supposed to say something? Kevin... You're under arrest for the crime of desertion. Oh, my. Uh, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. You may use the yard.

And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

And We're not stuck together anymore. Thank God! You said it. Do you Want to hold hands on the walk home? Yeah, sure. Oh, Susie! Thank God you're all right! Wait a minute. This isn't my little girl. Hey! That was my wife! tee, hee! tee, hee! I Know What You Did Last Summer?

PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

Not one bit, sir. For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself. I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo. Am I a walking hobo? No. Quagmire and Cleveland are, but you're not. So, wait, I would also be a paralyzed Hitler? Yeah. Would I be a black Hitler? Yes. No. Well, wait a minute, now how come I got to be crippled Hitler and he's still white Hitler? If you got such a problem with it, Joe, just be the hobo! This one isn't very fun.

Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa.

Oh, man. You're making me so hot!

Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!

Oh, There's the tea. I'll get it, Lois.

Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Gotta give up the toad now ooo, ooo, ooo I'm no fool Lando's cool Yeah! You're the coolest, Lando!

Okay, this is not something that should ever have been attempted. Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Improv!

So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point. I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes.

Red-headed lady reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope She's gonna breathe on it first wipe it on her blouse

If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice.

Peter, your word is "tree." Can you use it in a sentence, please? There is a tree by the lake. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree, where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other. T-R-E-E. Tree. Correct.

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks,

Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard.

It's got to be inside you, like musical talent or athleticism or the ability to choose to be gay. I don't think they choose that. Oh, please, they choose that. (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring!

You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

I need a clean diaper. I told you, we don't have any clean diapers. Well, no, not right now we don't, no. But if the poo were to be removed... I'm not following you. If the poo were to be removed... What does that... What are you driving at? Eat it. What?

Don't you say those things. Don't you say those things unless they're true.

I met him down at the general store. He makes canoes. Oh. How come I've never met him? He hasn't really been here that long. Long enough to get your number! Ben! Ben! Damn it.

Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time, I've got this bowl of cornflakes, and I gotta be at work at 9:00. So what are we gonna do here?

Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock?

From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar down by the airport already took it.

Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

Okay. 401-555-1125.

These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.

Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh? Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinky prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.

Horsey, you saved my life. No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried. That's right! Awesome. Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition, Stephanie Griffin.

And we're back. Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter? I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. To what? To the poison you just drank. See what I mean? This is not normal!

And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes!

Don't need no credit card to ride this train It's strong and it's sudden And it's cruel sometimes But it might just save your life... That's the power of love Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table?

Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.

Sorry. I keep getting your mail, Dick. Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff. Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire.

Speaking roles, background roles. Background would be good for you. Yeah. Speaking role or background role, either one would be good. You know, I'm really good at sight gags. Oh! I didn't mean to do that. Now it's everywhere! That's comedy. (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? That's not funny. Oh, well, interesting opinion, Lois.

Karin, this is so exciting. Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going? I'm.... I'm hitting that.

No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old.

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. What are you doing? That's my bathroom! What are you talking about? We just rented this place. Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase! What the hell are you guys doing in Quahog? We're just doing research for a movie. Oh, my God, that's amazing. You're both living here together?

What do you mean, I ruined television? You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape.

your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat! - All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant!

I know, I told you the book was good. Yeah, thank you so much, Don. Um... Red overalls, a yellow shirt underneath. I don't really have time to do this right now. Brian, they're publishing your book. You're kidding? I can't believe it. That's the worst thing I've ever written. Not according to Penguin Publishing. In fact, you're supposed to call the chief editor.

Peter, you will be the police officer and Quagmire, you will be the suspect. Begin. Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search. Drop your pants. JOE: Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down. - Sorry. I'm still learning. - JOE: All right, start the search.

Hey there, buddy. Go away! You know, you remind me of a guy I know. This guy worked and worked and never wanted to retire, even though it would've been the best thing for him. You know what that man's name was? Jon Benet Ramsey.

Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. you know, I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money. How can you "half expect" something?

Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog.

Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done. Can I go now?

That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

When we come back, I'll show you how eye contact can make or break any business relationship.

All right, I'm out of here. (DOOR SLAMS) I wonder if I could push mine inside. Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone! I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back. Well, that was quite a performance.

And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man. Not less. Now, get the hell out of my town. (CAR ENGINES STARTING)

But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma." aw, That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in.

(ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.

Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas. Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees.

Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house? Oh, God! You're a monster. I'm beautiful on the inside.

(BELL RINGING) ANNOUNCER ON PA: And they're off! Go, horsey, go! God, it even runs like it's messed up in the head. Is there a reason all the horses are named after canceled Fox shows? ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour,

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir.

Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei. Hello. (CHUCKLING) Man, it's cold in here. Beep-boop-beep. I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right? Captain Solo, have you seen Master Luke?

JUDGE: Griffin! Knock it off! PETER: Hey, come on, Judge. Tell us the answer.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off. Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there,

Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you

(BUZZING) It's me. I'm Gossip Girl. I still can't believe Chris is dating a Barrington. They own this whole club. Yeah, look at all this luxury. It's like being in a gay guy's dream.

You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals. Oh, oh, look! There we go! Oh! Look at them jostling each other around! Oh! They give each other a hard time, but they're friends. Is that a real show? No, it's just... No. Somebody's making a joke. Forget it.

What do you think was in that Danish?

What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet? You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I thought that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me? Oh, yeah. You can even see Tonya Harding's honeymoon video on there. I mean, it's gross, but it's, like, famous gross.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

Hey, Ezekiel? You must be Mr. Griffin. Look, I know you guys are busy with your barn raising and all, but, uh, you know, I just wanted to tell you how much my daughter Meg loves your boy Eli. I promise you, she ain't trying to corrupt him or nothing. Mr. Griffin, with all due respect, we live in two different worlds. I must do what is best for my son, and I have.

In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding.

Everybody freeze! This is a bust! Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!

You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose! Oh, Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?

No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING)

Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party. you mean That horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid? I didn't realize she'd been born. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere. Ooh, I'm gonna R.S.V.P. right now. Oh, Splendid. an entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars,"

Don't let me catch you, 'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later. (LAUGHING)

Oh, Bottom drawer.

Well, you dating that guy, it's just a lot to take in. (LAUGHING) Oh, you... You're telling me. Come on! Those kinds of jokes aren't helping! Well, what do you want me to say? You're being silly. I mean, Jerome and I dated over 12 inches ago. (LAUGHING) I said "inches." - What did I just say? - I'm sorry.

As a rich college-bound student,

Okay, now add 20. Okay. - Now multiply it by four. - Okay. - And what do you got? - 8,008. And what does 8,008 look like on a calculator? Oh! "Boob!" Boob! Yeah! All right! All right! All right! Boob!

I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

All right, a bike! I'm out of here!

Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.

Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

MAN: I didn't like any of that.

That's your penis.

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous.

(EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING) You lose! Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin.

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin?

I really like you.

I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house!

You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. (CHUCKLES) Joyce, you know we don't talk about that on the air.

I love stars! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Grainy Footage of a Potential Bigfoot that will surely spark a lively debate in your household. Oh, my God! That is real! No, total fake. (ALL ARGUING) Look at that. That is obviously a suit.

There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you. Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet,

Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit! This is so much fun, Brian.

Oh, he killed her. Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business. Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead! Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

Hey, Mort. How's it going? Oh, it's awful, Peter! Why? What's the matter? The pharmacy's going under. I can barely pay my bills. I can't even afford the real pharmacy music. That's just me up there. Listen.

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING)

What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it.

Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation. I am very angry with you. Geez, what's your problem? What you did this morning was so far out of line, I just... Let me tell you this. Mom was right. I can't just sit here and let you dump all over my heritage. I'm not gonna make the mistake she did.

I never knew that.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail!

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss! It's not too late, Meg.

Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.

No, no, no, not like that!

(GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right. And finally, still no word on the disappearance of Lois Griffin, housewife and mother from Quahog, who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago.

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you!

Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt!

Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that. Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter?

- I did not care for The Godfather. - What? Did not care for The Godfather. How can you even say that, Dad? Didn't like... Didn't like it.

yeah, You may be right. No! No! No! You must receive his seed! Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it.

I--I don't think I'm in the right place. I'm looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son's birthday. Oh, Sure. I can do that. You do children's parties? Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe. I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.

Like when he was a boxing coach. Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him! (BELL DINGING) You know what I'm going to tell you. I got to punch him... You got to punch him more. Hey, you ever check Joe's Facebook? Ugh, I know. Awful.

For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store. (ALL LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMS) Terrible pharmacy toys. We'll see to it that no child ever receives these as a last-minute gift hastily bought on the way to the party.

- Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow. Hey, everybody. Wait till you see this.

Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne? I don't know, sir. Hey, we have almost the same voice. Excuse me, I'm the prison doctor. I'm here for Andy's check-up. Andy Dufresne? Yeah, Andy Dufresne. We can't find him. Well, that's no good. All right, you two are gonna have to leave.

Chris, I made some Kool-Aid! You want some?

- Psych. - Damn!

Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways. I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's mother agreed not to press charges if you apologize.

And you're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show. I want to take a moment to give a shout-out to my good friend Ken Lay, faked his own death, listening in on a ham radio somewhere in international waters. Smooth sailing, Kenny boy.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live from the 35th annual Quahog Veteran's Day celebration. Yes, it was 35 years ago today that James Veteran stood up to City Hall and said, "I demand a parade in my name." And after a heated bidding war with Edward Memorial and Reginald Aprilfools, he got his wish. And here comes the parade!

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.

I can get that, Sebastian. To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on. Cut my egg! Your eggs are cut, sir. Cut my milk! I can't, sir. It's liquid. Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy for you!

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

I am having a really great time. Me, too. I really value our friendship.

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in. It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin.

When did you guys get a pool? Oh, It's a moat. I know it's silly but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that we're, well, we're rich. Does it work? Well, It does keep the Black Knight at bay. Well, Congratulations on all your success.

I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my.

I'm enjoying one right now. (CHEWING) Mmm. (SIPPING) (CHEWING) Mmm. (CHEWING AND SIPPING) Mmm. (CHEWING AND SIPPING)

Whoa, whoa, big guy. You're probably never even gonna see him again.

Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS)

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

Well, the harmonica's up there pretty good.

Aah! Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy.

(MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex. MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks. I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four... MAN: Hundreds and hundreds of years old.

Wow, Stewie. That was beautiful. - Did you write that? - No. But can you tell me who did? Log on now. (MUSIC PLAYING) All right, let's tally up those responses. Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau.

Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they?

I've been doing this all me life. You see, the reason your fleas are drawn to ya, is your kidney energy is being blocked by a dark chi. Or what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu. hey, doc. D'you have to keep those 2 boxes right next to each other? Why? What do they say? I think we're through here.

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God, Dad! Are they gonna take me? I'm so scared! (SCREAMING) Meg? Meg? (MAN BREATHING HEAVILY) I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. But I have a very particular lack of skills.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do.

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Oh, oh, there he is. You know what, he slipped into my colon. Yeah, damn it, he's smothered. But let me just ask you this, Lois, if my stomach had said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry! "How about some pork chops?" Would you have thought that was funny? Not really. Well, then, this has been an absolute misfire.

Okay, that one might have been more of a visual, but you feel that feeling you got right now? That's satisfaction. You just read something. And no one can take that away from you. Proud of you.

I do not miss that ogresS. She can burn in hell for all I care! Sure she can. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "I've grown accustomed to her face "She almost makes the day begin "I've grown accustomed to the tune

Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome. You're such a cutie patootie. If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie. Aw! I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING)

Oh, yes. We can help you there. Uh, Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You.

Sir, if you're gonna want me to examine where you're having an issue, you're gonna have to be more specific than "thingee." Okay. It's not the front thingee.

Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool.

Oh, Lois, I missed you. You and your wonderful smile, and your beautiful eyes, and your awesome third boob that's on top of the other boob. LOIS: What? Oh, my God. Peter, that's not a boob. That's a lump. A lump? Holy crap!

Oh, Peter! Aah! Hey, You must be Lois.

It's not a boat, it's a yacht! Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah? And you even manage to humiliate me there.

Peter, It's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money!

(GIGGLING) "...hopes all things, endures all things. "Love never ends. Love never fails." Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8.

You haven't asked me anything about myself. Oh! Um. Sorry. So, what do your parents do? That's better. My dad's an accountant, and my mom is the former governor of Alaska. Oh, that's cool. It's real cool. Now, get up, come over here and give me a shoulder massage. Okay.

And a Griffin never knows when to stoP. CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.

I always wanted to be an astronaut like Lance Armstrong. It's Neil Armstrong. He lied about his name, too?

Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay? We should all be so gay! Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh? Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero. Look, you'll see. At the Navy Ball, you'll see how much of a man he is and how everyone in the military respects him.

but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip,

What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello.

If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family. No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him. I'll do it, I'll be James Woods. From this day forth, I am James Woods. And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it.

Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure. HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast. The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash. Stewie, please tell me you know how to get us home. Of course I know how to get us home!

All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint. Joe, shh! Peter's about to start. We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members, to talk about the greatest temptation the devil ever created. Alcohol!

Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad. (PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there. Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this.

You should've told me...

I hate you! Hey, what's that sound? You're urinating! So it's been you all along! Oh, This is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex. Eww! It's everywhere!

Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask. Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house?

There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah.

It was James Woods! He killed her! Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives!

Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You think I care about you? I don't. Yes, you do. I know you do. I don't really care.

Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed. And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting. Well, that's our show.

(GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do?

PETER: (ON RADIO) Hello? Okay, so I'm going to the Dagobah system... You gotta speak up.

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good.

Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it.

Holy crap. They got a ringer. What the hell? Jerome's on your team? That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store. What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.

and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing. It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want. And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America.

Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.

(WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING) PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: A human centipede. How ghastly!

He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good.

Good. Good. Prosecutor, call your first witness.

PETER: You know what's weird? This was covered by my HMO.

No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do

But, sir, what of Tiny Tim?

And for God's sake, do not be afraid to make me a sandwich while you're in there.

Ok, honey. One of our neighbors took that trophy, Lois, and I'm gonna find out who. I'm taking Stewie with me again. Fine, sweetie. This whole thing just makes me sick! For crying out loud, We played Pictionary with them! Bastards! Giddy-up, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! Hya! Well, bye.

No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose. Of course he was. He was the star. No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no!

The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase,

I have so much fun when we hang out, Lois, and I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it, like, strawberry sunset or ginger maiden, or one of those hair color names that's a random noun, like temptress. Oh, at some point, you have to let me braid it! Lois, what are you doing?

As time goes by Moonlight and love songs Never out of date Hearts filled with passion Jealousy and hate

MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks. I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet?

Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.

So what's it like to work at a high school? Oh, Brian, I just love it. Working at James Woods High is great. You know, I've always wondered why they named if after James Woods, you know? I mean, there's got to be somebody more deserving. Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know... Sidney Poitier, Reggie Jackson, Martin Luther King....

Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

(SHARPENER WHIRRING)

If we learn to live with less And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer

Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Hi, I'm Peter. You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle. As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger. Why? Because I don't do drugs. Took me five minutes to get to White Castle. I didn't get diverted by all those crazy high jinks.

But you love mashed turkey and peas.

Stimulating, titillating kitty-cat impersonating Mega-rocking, pillow-talking just-a-little-crooked walking Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting For some reason, always shouting Fascinating, captivating happiness-and-joy creating Down's Syndrome girl!

Wait. Did you just call me "Brian"?

...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...The Mondo Twins... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Tank Top Gay Face... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Zachary... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

Let someone else worry about hurricanes.

Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie!

No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.

I'm gonna name him Sparky, and then I'm gOnna get hIm... What the hell? Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh! Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium.

What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you. Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car!

Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell?

BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.

Chris, I like you. You don't have to try so hard. I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial. ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for 2 weeks now. Mazel tov. Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. And thank you. Look, I know Stacy isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her. Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh!

All right, son. Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. Right? 'Cause "hurt locker" means some kind of war hero thing, or something. Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is. But... Well, wait, I... I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma.

- Could you change his suit, please? - Sure.

Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh? Yeah. hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats!

Go on. That's iT.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me. Would anyone like to play Stratego? I have Stratego.

I'm Salty. Salty? But everybody said you were killed by that fish. That's what I wanted them to think. I disappeared and spread the Daggermouth rumor myself. Why? Merchandise! Daggermouth t-shirts, mugs, posters. And I'm in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show. Figured I'd pair him with an effeminate cat. What do you think?

Peanuts and Jews. (ALL LAUGHING) No, but Jews are bad. You know, it's remarks like that that started the Holocaust, and I know none of us want that to happen again. (GLASS SHATTERING) And after that blow to the head, it all started coming back to me.

Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public? Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method. I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation. Okay, ifl make this, we're all gonna get laid. Yes! Score! Score!

Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING)

That still doesn't explain what you're doing here. You see, Brian, during the Cold War, the Soviet Union brainwashed dozens of American civilians, effectively making them sleeper agents who could be activated at anytime to do the work of the KGB. Activated how? The agents could be activated by uttering a predetermined phrase.

It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it?

- How's everybody doing? - Good. Good so far. All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any--

Peter, we're lost. Would you please find some place to ask for directions? We are not lost. And even if we were you know I can't ask a human being for directions. Why not? Because I'm a man. Jeez, Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois? Dad, maybe we should go home. No way, son. We came to get you back into the Scouts. And that's exactly what we're gonna do.

Of course i--I... No. Why would you send my husband and son out into the wilderness without any food or supplies? Because, uh, we really like your car? They're dead, you know.

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win? Another beer! Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here. (BEEPS) Oh, look at that.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter!

Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

Lot of drum roll for nothing. What's this? Ooh, candy!

Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it! This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet! Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good. Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good.

Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight? Your what? Yes, I share your mother's skepticism.

(STRETCHING) I just kind of feel like kicking it tonight. Oh, look at that. I'm growing all the time. Hey, Jillian, can you give me a minute? You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri? You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man?

I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough?

Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side. Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects? I'll never join the dark side. You failed, Your Highness. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.

Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H." Sounds right to me. Nothing ever bothers you, does it? No, not really. I like everything.

What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out.

All right. Saltshaker up the nose. I got pepper. Ha! Ha! Yes, I win! That was fun, Dad! I'm the man! YEah! YE-- Ahh!

(SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out. I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours,

And this is Pembroke Quad. Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited. I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories. Cowards!

Oh, my God! Are you sure? You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. I said, when people die, they void their bowels. PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass.

Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s.

This is bigger news than when I toured Europe... with that musical rendition of My Left Foot. My left foot Always been better than the right one My left foot Always gets me where [need to go

Hey, guys, look over there! It's a hot girl from Florida. No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom! I see you've met my daughter. You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar.

Francis, we were watching that. Well, I'll tell you how it ends.

I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.

Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent.

Oh, my God! Chris was right! Holy crap! Chris, is that thing dangerous? Yes! He's evil! I'm not really evil. (GASPING) It talks! If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything. No, Dad! Don't do it! He's evil! Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding.

I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

when he pretended to be a Hasidic Jew to get off work. Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, you know, I went into a store last week and they wanted $800 for a TV, but I us'ed them down to $500. (SCREAMING)

Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. Figured before I stopped by the apothecary, I'd come here, and then it's off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for you? Not really. Did you use the jokes? Yeah, they're not landing. Got your mail. So, how's it going? I tell you, Stewie, it's going great.

It's got spit all over it. Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau. What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist. And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person, and punctual. Yeah. Maybe we could talk about something else.

He's a family guy

Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry. Say something.

- You wanna hook up? - Buy me something.

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth. My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?

Well, which is it?

(MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

Victory is... Aah!

Naked plastic chicks.

Yeah, Daddy. If you hadn't pulled this stunt I never would've learned how to manipulate Kevin. And when the kids at school see us on T.V. they'll think you're a total psycho. And I can say, "That psycho is my dad!" I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m. Huh.

So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats? Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room. Wow. This looks just like my room at home. Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends.

And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please.

Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle?

All right, I'm gonna go bring the pilots their coffee. Hang on to something, because this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh.

Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in. (BEEPS) (BEEPS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you... over at Glamour next Monday... but, sugar, you're gonna need these to stay on top. Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these. I don't need to. Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh? I just wanna make sure you got everything you need.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

Well, the pocket-dial giveth,

Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian! Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here! I'm... I'm sorry.

Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?

What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep.

It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it!

(SNORING) That's it, Griffin. Keep breathing. I'm almost there. Oh! Your breath is filling me up. Your breath and this squash racquet.

Hi. I'm Nate Griffin. I work against my will for your dad. Oh, yeah? Well, what do you do? Well, let's just say I know my way around a hoe.

And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. you know, I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money. How can you "half expect" something? I--i don't know. It's just a turn of phrase. How do you "turn a phrase"? Oh, God, you're dumb! Thank God for that ass!

MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh?

You guys don't care about me and my struggle! I hate you!

It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song.

I'm going over there! No. I'm gonna go over there and punch her! No! No, no, no, No.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right?

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk?

Can I have another bourbon, please? Hey, Blondie. You wanna get together with my dogwood? What? Dogwood? You know, like Dogwood and Blondie, like in the funnies? You mean Dagwood? Dagwood, that's what it is. Hey, how about this one?

May the Force be with you. CHEWBACCA: There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man. All right. Is this thing good to go?

Hi. I'm Michael. Michael! Michael! Um, and this is my wife, Nancy. Nancy! Nancy! And this is our Uzbekistani friend, Bokyavroychesku. Hi.

You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit. There's one right behind me, isn't there?

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) Well, thanks to no gravity in space my spine stretched, and I am now a confident 6'3", so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman. Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

No, thanks. I gotta get going.

Yeah, you slut. Doth the magistrate know what you're doing tonight? Good. Now, undo the top six buttons of your 100-button shoes.

(HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like. Will you stop that?

Hey, big man, turn around.

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add...

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing?

MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas! MAN: Infertility! Here we go! Our grand prize winner is Brian Griffin. (ALL CLAPPING) (ALL CHEERING) Wow, I don't believe it!

Oh. Well, you should bring some of them in here. - Any of them have braces? - Yeah. I love braces. My mom has them. Well, listen... I need disposable diapers, but it looks like you're out. Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom. Hang on.

Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask. I have the mumps. What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

I feel, I don't know, special. I guess you all think that's pretty silly. Not at all. You didn't tell us that part! Uh-uh. Peter, you're behind all this? Yes. And you'll never catch me! aah!

You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Peggy? Yes, Mr. Griffin. That fart I have at 3:00, can you push that up to now? Very good, sir. (FARTING)

All right, I'm ready. Come on, good game. Good game, everybody. Yeah. Come on, good game. Let's get out there. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah. 110%, everybody. 110%. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Good game! Ready! Blue 20, blue 20! Hut, hut! Griffin, let go! Let's go?

Oh, that's a great idea. Maybe he can bring his sling blade and order up some (MIMICKING BILLY BOB THORNTON) French-fried potatoes. Mmm-hmm.

Well, I gotta get going. I'm heading off to Vermont to get James' birthday present. There's this neat little store called Cattitudes that makes all this neat cat stuff. See you guys later. What a queer. He's going all the way to Vermont for cat gifts and whatnot? You can get a scratching post down at Walmart for $2,

I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how.

Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car! Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know?

Hey, Margaret tha-- Ugh! What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved. No. That's just our women.

Salty? But everybody said you were killed by that fish.

Well, what do you think? What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now? You got any strawberry milk in there? No, but she'll make 0.5 past light speed.

From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.

In fact, he's right down there. Where?

and you passed our test, and you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery. Marcia, I've done it. I've finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead. And the readers are just gonna love it.

Take it outside, Lois.

check out my onboard computer navigation system. Standard. Left turn ahead. Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you!

Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous. Ok, disability claim.

(BEEPING) What the hell? Oh, my God! We're going down. (ALL SCREAMING)

The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why?

You have some new material for that novel you've been writing.

Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God!

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?

Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy.

Yeah. We'll be just like The Honeymooners! One of these days, Alice. One of these days... Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon. Oh.

Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Look, sir, droids. Look, a penny.

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

You never answer your cell phone And your messages are often ambiguous Amen A reading from the book of Leviticus.

Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. You have selected 300! If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now. No! You have confirmed 300.

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter.

I know, I know, I'm a rice queen.

Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face?

High on the rapids it struck their tiny raft ahh! And plunged them down a thousand feet below to the Land of the Lost

All right, I'm coming! Jesus Christ, look at you! You had it all, money, fame, eternal life, the perfect hand for masturbating, and you blew it! You let it all go to your head! I know, Peter. I guess it turns out I'm just as human as anyone else.

So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend? I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all. Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass.

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Logan, you son of a bitch!

Did you get a packet from HR when you started working there? Mmm-hmm. Okay, I'll take that as a yes. And I'm pretty certain you know what I want you to do with it.

We're going to add... Peter! Ahh!

Our house is your house, Peter. I'd sit here and chat with you, but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta, because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! When is it gonna be my turn?

"E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of...

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere. Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it? - Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours? - What? What? 'Cause I had an idea.

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot!

(BOTH MOANING) You know, I can just wash it off when I get home. Why? What's in there? CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah! (EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete.

Peter and Lois were supposed to chaperone Chris' school dance tomorrow night. So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing. You're too stupid to do it alone. Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses.

You suck! Get off the stage! What do we do? I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here. How about a funny story about Lake Wobegone? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree....

QUAGMIRE: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who is it? It's me, Quagmire. I need to borrow your lawnmower. Quagmire's not here. It's just me, James. I'm supposed to watch the house. Come on, Quagmire. It's 97 degrees out here. We're two grown men. Are you selling yarn? 'Cause I love yarn. No. I need to borrow your lawnmower.

Peter, you joined the