Brian, going back in time ruined my life.

I think it's crap, too. Wow. If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in,

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING)

Oh, are we watching a movie? The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.

ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

Harm, I found that evidence we need. Now we can finally clear that Chief Petty Officer of all charges. Oh, what's the point? Does anybody even watch this show? Well, yeah, old people. I mean, they--they--they don't really pay attention. They--They just like the noise and the company. Hey, how you doing? How's that hip doing there? Remember the '40s?

Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those?

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.

Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

What is it again? The Onion? So if I go up to your room right now, I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right? No. (SCREAMS) Damn it! That's what I thought.

You guys are a bunch of queers.

Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want?

Peter, those are Cheerios. You must begin your journey now.

I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.!

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.

I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person?

I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

you must write for Leno.

Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. But I do have a job to do. So get moving. 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty. Doodie means poop. It does. Are you, Dad? Are you the only one who does his duty? That's not how I remember it. What are you talking about? You don't remember, do you? I was in first grade.

Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

(DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid. I got a daughter of my own, you know.

Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.

I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

Ew!

He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

(MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

Wait a second! Don't sit down yet!

I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.

Yes. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm... Oh, How do I describe it? You make me feel so young You make me feel like spring has sprung

Oh. Oh, I just got it. Hey! Hey, Armey. Hey--hey, What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"? Nah, I'm kidding, you guys. Hey--hey, Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar. Yeah, okay. OH, Great. That sounds good.

Hey. Hey, you know what we should do, guys, - while we're here tied up like this? - What? We should come up with a totally bogus rumor about a celebrity. And then when we get out of here, we'll spread it around as much as we can. That sounds like fun! Actually, that does sound like fun.

PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this?

Oh, this couch.

I should know this. Oh, Yes. 867-5309. That's it. No, wait. That's not it! Damn you, Tommy Tutone! There's only one thing to do. 111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113...

What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama? And what is... What? What? This is a chicken leg. Are you also making soup? For quinceanera. Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

Right, Bing Crosby? That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat them with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. But tha-that doesn't sound right. Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those!

Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

(SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me.

JuST Help me up!

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble.

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?

Enough of this! I must complete my time machine,

It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food?

Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up. I think I can explain it to you, Peter. This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening,

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension. Let me ask you this. What about all the Renaissance art that Christianity inspired?

Giggity?

And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on.

Surprise!

MAN ON TV: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth?

ALL: Jew!

Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

What a feeling. This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door.

Mrs. Lockhart, our son...

There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie.

If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign.

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold.

Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

Aw, Looks like somebody's hungry.

Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.

Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

Okay, how about "bathtub"? (ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom. A razor blade and a note? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally.

Damn you, vile woman!

Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

Oh, man. He'd hate that even more than he hates sitcom two-parters. Tootie, it's 8:29! Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait! Now I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that drinking party!

now, I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula?

You son of a bitch!

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew,

Wh--

You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again. If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it.

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then. (GASPING) It could have been me.

Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche.

Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! Ah.

I found this in Eli's corn hole!

Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

You've got to look your best tonight You tubby little parasite 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it there are things you must do We'll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Whoever you are, thank you! If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

No. You friends with Gary,

...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood...

Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball!

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie. He's got quite a grip.

Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no!

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?

Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

Yes, hello, I'd like to buy 400 blister packs of Actifed, or similar pseudoephedrine-based decongestant. Why? I have a cold. (PRETENDS TO SNEEZE) Hang on, let me check something.

Hello.

That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007, while you were supposedly in your coma. Look, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me? The truth. Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.

is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur. It just goes to show you never know what sort of person is living next door. Tom?

Now let's get back to our own time.

What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian. This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

Joe, you promised. It's Christmas. Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?

Oh, heavens! I look like a rake. No, you look like you don't care, and that's good. Oh. Okay. Um, if we're dating, does that mean when we go in there I can hold your hand? Good idea. Then everyone will think you're popular. Well, I don't really care about that. I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back.

Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who... BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush."

Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man. Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas? Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa!

Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars.

A nude baby!

I can't fit all my books in my locker.

PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on?

Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo. RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.

Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass?

(BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

You bitch!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier.

Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!

Mamma mia! What is this?

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Oh, he's perfect. Time of birth, 11:34 a.m. Come on, Brian, hurry. (ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina.

(IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you.

Well, this is a nice apartment you have. Is this your dog? Yes. Isn't he the cutest little cutie-wutie? Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face!

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester.

Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me.

Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair.

Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.

so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day.

Ruined.

(LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone.

Yes. You suck. I rule. Who the man? Who the man? Who the man? All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

Oh, yeah, we got a show. We definitely got a show. Oh, yeah, there's a show. MAN ON TAPE: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is,

Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs. Oh, He's behind the door! Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS. Don't go in there!

And I got you this bag of weed.

Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking.

Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final. It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this. I mean, a British football team can't be that bad.

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard?

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

Oh boy! This'll be even easier than running unopposed.

Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world.

Let's go home.

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

All right. Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh... Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh...

unprotected sex, and of course,

I'm Meg. Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say. Jefferson High is our rival. Sure, sex is fun, but you can't have it before you're married. Even if you use a condom.

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse. How do you propose we settle this? - We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal. (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight!

punch her really hard right in her hepatitis.

Stewie, it's not working.

All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it.

Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy! Hey, What's going on? There's a little girl down in that well. Oh, my God!

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that?

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no!

Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son!

Is this Peter? No, it's Lois. Lois, don't crank call my mother. I'm gonna have to pinch you for that. Ow! Peter, don't pinch me. (BOTH GROANING) Stop that. Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that? No, don't. Here you go. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it.

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy! Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts rainbows, springtime is That Guy

Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe this! ...what a cavity search is.

(SCREAMING) Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista. What's the worst that could happen?

people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick. Well, that might do it.

Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule!

Wait a minute. I don't understand. What do you mean you guys work for the government? Well, Brian, it turns out Spies Like Us was Ronald Reagan's favorite movie, so he actually appointed us honorary spies in a special ceremony back in the '80s. Dan, Chevy, you are hereby named honorary spies for the United States of America. Thank you, Mr. President. Thanks, Dutch.

(MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld!

Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser. Good thing there wasn't land or else you'd have to meet the natives with that mustard stain on your shirt. What stain? Ah! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GROANS) Why did I even bring you on this trip? Because I'm the best damn land spotter in all of Europe. It's true. You are the best. Yeah, I don't need you to tell me that.

All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by. Red Buttons standing by. Redd Foxx standing by. Big Red standing by. SEAN CONNERY: Red October standing by. Helen Reddy standing by. Simply Red standing by.

Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING)

They're on the carpet! Got one over here!

Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was. This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh!

Aw, Jeez, This isn't another one of those interventions, is it? Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for 8 months now. Please, for your family, take it off. Hey--Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!

(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you.

And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed

Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.

Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!

WOMAN: Radio DJs at local events MAN: Next week, The Boat Show. (BOAT WHISTLE BLOWING) (OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted.

I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man. You mean diorama? Uh-oh. Hey, Lois, I got your pregnancy test. What the hell you need this for? I need it because I think I might be pregnant. What? My God, are you sure it's yours? Lois pregnant?

(GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING) Oh! I love this song! Hey!

We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors.

We gonna get 'em.

Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons. You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"? No, I just repress it. As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

You Remember when Margot Kidder was here? Ah, We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful.

You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar! Hey, there, Chris. Hi, Mr. Herbert.

I hurt myself changing this tire!

What the hell? Dick.

I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir. All right, Dylan. You know what? This isn't working out. All right? I don't care that I'm your father and you don't care that you're my son. We don't have anything in common.

- God. - Allah.

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made!

It's true. You are the best.

Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter. What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time. And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise. The power outage provided a perfect cover. I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints.

The joke, of course, being that one wouldn't generally do that, were there a pillow available. Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir.

You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back.

If it's fish you wants, Pelican's Reef is where you'll find 'em. I've seen fish there. More fish than you could possibly imagine. Fish as far as the eye can see. Lots and lots of fish, i--i guess, I guess, would be the main bullet point of this presentation. Jeez, where is this Pelican's Reef?

Look, maybe we should just let Kevin explain why he did what he did. (SIGHS) At first, I believed in the cause. But then I saw what we were doing to the people of Iraq. Innocent people. There was one that I'll never forget.

Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this. QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, slide the red knob all the way out. And the second those wheels touch the ground, you hit the emergency brake.

Oh, thank God. We made it. (GROANS) My neck! You backed into me, and now...

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit.

A tournament, huh? That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car! This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!

Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome!

Chris, watch your language!

(SIGHS) Guess I'm on my own now, Rupert. It could be worse, though. At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway!

Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.

Hey, where the hell is my van? Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.

Peter, for God's sake! Oh, Ok, Ok. Grab my hand. And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole. Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin. There is no talking penguin in The King and I. There is in "Peter Griffin presents The King and I." What? Now we just gotta think of some wicked funny stuff for him to say.

You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is? Uh, that'd be kind of awkward, huh?

(CHRIS FARTING) CHRIS: Sorry.

Come by and apply for your Han job, and I'll get you off and running. Other websites jerk you around and don't finish what they start. But with HANJOBS.ORG, we'll have you shooting for the stars! But keep it down, my neighbors don't know what's going on in here.

I'll do anything. You don't know me.

I thought being a hero would be all fun and games. Sorry, Wonder Woman. I got 3 kings. Now let's see your pair. All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at hER.

I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance. Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry!

Shut up, Brian.

My legs!

(IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

Chris, why don't you put these upstairs in your closet so we don't lose them? But the evil monkey lives in my closet. Of course, he hasn't been as evil since he became a Jehovah's Witness.

Come to earth When I went to meet her, man you should have seen her Twice as tall as me, 3 times the girth Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat

Fuck's the matter with you guys?

In your face! In your face! in your face!

Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock?

(GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING) You lose!

I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol. I don't mind not knowing What I'm headed for You can take me to the skies

Yeah. I got an erection.

So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42. All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins.

(BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow!

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?

Well, what did you have in mind? He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement. Do you know why I stopped you? I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding. (LAUGHING)

Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star!

- Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

Hey, watch it. That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun... PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go!

Peter, where have you been? Let's just say I've been at Cleveland's empty house taking a dump. (GROANING) That's disgusting. I will be taking all of my movements there from now on. All of them!

About an hour ago. This party sucks.

Peanuts and Jews. (ALL LAUGHING) No, but Jews are bad.

I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.

But they're newlyweds, right? Well, that's no time to have a house guest. Got to go. Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual. Where the hell are those purchase orders? Yeah, it's this bum hand. I can't type with it.

(WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?

Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

No paper towels?

My bike! Where's my bike?

(LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy. So, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon.

- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

you're not coming to my birthday. Who did that? QUAGMIRE: Giggity. Good morning, class. Starting today, we have a new student. Peter, would you like to introduce yourself? Hi. My name's Peter Griffin. I was actually in third grade a long time ago, but I never finished.

Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us. That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges. (Both) We are 2 wild and crazy guys! You guys look stupid.

Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."

and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud.

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

And you do

Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend. And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester. What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next? I will. Um... My name is Greg, and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Greg.

No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old. So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me!

(ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom. A razor blade and a note? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally. Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating. We should form a club.

I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II.

No, you don't.

We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

Tobi with an "I." With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the "I" with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.

Um... Uh... Yeah, I see it. QUAGMIRE: All right, press the button right above it. Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week. But, Father-- Go to your palace! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, yes.

Sweetheart, when will you be back? I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me. Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father.

What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

Well, it was very nice meeting you, Anthony.

Sir, as a citizen, how has this affected you? The police are gone? Oh, my God, we're finally safe! Freedom you see Has got our hearts singing so joyfully Just look about You owe it to yourself to check it out Can't you feel a brand-new day?

(GRUNTS) I wonder... Ah-ha!

so she should probably always wear a hat. Look, what if you just waited until college to turn gay?

You can't stop me from modeling, Peter. This is important to me. I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. Who the hell does he think he is?

QUAGMIRE: Well, gonna need some help here. (CHUCKLES) All right.

MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God. Peter, he heard us call him stupid. His own parents. What have we done? Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth.

17.

It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

(FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if...

(EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)

We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it? Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America.

You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!

Get out of this house.

You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.

Oh, no! Oh, no--No! No! Oh--oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

(PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me?

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!

Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS. Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?

(SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank. Well, I got to tell you, this was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane? Well, it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.

- It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun.

Look at me, huh? Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity. Well, I think you're exaggerating. No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy. Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds? Ok.

Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!

Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling.

Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

Look, We got animals. We got clowns. I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed up. Ok, everybody. For my next miracle, I'm gonna turn water into funk.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Peter! Ho-ho! You pat my back, I pat yours, and Pat Robertson pats Mr. Happy. (EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters.

For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR.

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19,

Where did you go? (Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote.

I can go back in time and change anything in Brian's life. (MACHINE ZAPPING) Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.

Well, Kevin, I would say, first of all, don't shave or shower. Okay, I won't. - And you just got out of bed, right? - Yeah. I would say, just go ahead and wear that tank top all day. Okay. All right, so we covered the hygiene, no collared shirts. Oh, and don't forget to walk around with an undeserved sense ofaccomplishment.

wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wAh

(PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING) (RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick. Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous.

Not even if I throw this pig's ear? Oh, come on, that's not fair. Go get it! (BARKING)

Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that?

Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it...

Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be. PETER: Of course, back then,

From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

And I needs to be mackin' style!

Now they're having butt sex

How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us. It's way easier to get into these clubs if you have chicks in your group.

Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

You know what? Maybe I'll just go take up my old job as a construction worker in New York. Although I never did get the cat callin' right. Yo, baby. I want a piece of that. You suck!

I guess that means I'll be Irish Spring. Irish Spring will get you fresh and (WHISTLES) clean as a whistle. See? (SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? There's more soap inside the soap. They know that!

that's what it would look like. Walk inside with me, Brian. This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall.

Tom! Tom Tucker! Tom!

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.

COMMENTATOR: And now back to The Kids' Choice Awards... with host Paula Poundstone. f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go!

My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor. Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed!

Oh, no! Here come the coppers! (YAKETY SAX PLAYING) (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

(HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS)

Yes, your anguish sustains me.

(Announcer) This July, let he who is without sin kick the first ass. Oh, Man, that's all we need. More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo. Well, not if I have anything to say about it! I am going to make sure this never sees the light of day. Peter, are you crazy? Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes,

Here are the products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year. The African-American heart monitor. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(BEEPING) All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

Hey, Chris. What's that? Did you sit on something? (MUTTERING GIBBERISH) (ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser!

Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? What about all that liberal crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations? You even cried after Columbine. Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy. Whatever.

We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this?

My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable.

Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee

I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.

Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer.

(THE IMPERIAL MARCH MUZAK PLAYING)

Say, that's a lot easier than eating 17 bowls! And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah! Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man,

You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!

Randy Newman? Yup. Just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees. Fat man with his kids and dog

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time!

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles.

(SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay? (GRUNTING)

And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family.

Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

Yeah, I thought something was "a-mish."

Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here. I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years? It's great to see you, too, Lois. It really is.

Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.

Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you. You're my sister. I know. Somehow, I've always known. You have? Did you know when you kissed me on Hoth?

Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka. Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine.

(RETCHING) (CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience,

Wow! What just happened was kind of sad. (HUMMING SAD TUNE)

Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat.

I'm gay.

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.

Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short. Oh, my God. He is short. Hey. Hey, Brian.

Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.

Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me?

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

"P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. "The end." (SIGHS) Wow. I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING) I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Oh, Mort!

Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?

I disappeared and spread the Daggermouth rumor myself. Why? Merchandise! Daggermouth t-shirts, mugs, posters. And I'm in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show. Figured I'd pair him with an effeminate cat. What do you think? Yeah, I'd watch that. Sure. Me, too. Sounds like a good balance.

Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians. (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa! Whoa! Copernicus, why don't you navigate yourself to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt?

Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think. Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track?

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set. All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this. Don't worry, Peter. I'll only work out during my downtime. Oh, look who it is. Only 14 hours late.

Oh, God, they're back. Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Goldman.

Look, Chris. It's a whole family of WASPs. My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham. Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this? There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us.

Well, we're getting a good view of the chase from up here, Tom. That's right, Diane. We're looking at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings, the man we believe to be Al Cowlings. We'll stay with the chase. Um, it seems like a futile effort on their part, Diane. At some point, that horse is going to have to stop and eat some grain. PETER: But luck was on their side and eventually, they made it to the North. After that, Nate devoted his life

I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door. (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy!

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down?

Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?

"Why only when I ignore you do you return to the center of my eye? "O squiggly line, it's all right You are forgiven" (PHONE RINGING) Hello. Oh, hi, Dr. Hartman. All right. I'll tell him. Thanks. Bye.

This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!

Yeah, you cheated on your wife. No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort! I want my $2!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING) It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head.

Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning!

You got to get her running before you start running. Chris. Chris, honey, can I talk to you? Oh, my God, he's gone! That means this room is mine now.

What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again. It's the electricity, Peter. There are power lines down, and there's no one to fix them. The cops don't come, the toilets don't flush, and there's garbage piling up in the streets. Ryan Phillippe's been out there for days. Would anyone like to be impregnated? We had a nice town, Peter. I had a nice life,

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not. Thanks for everything, Monkey.

You're like a circus freak!

Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo."

Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further. That's more like it. Tell me, what are the tank's safety features? What a good-looking question. Three inches of reinforced steel protects your daughter from short-range missile attacks. I see, and does the sedan protect against missiles? It does not. You hear that, Meg?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class.

You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids. - And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin.

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse. Look. Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So?

It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, and still I have made no progress finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York Peppermint Pattie, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.

You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough!

I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon. MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio.

undefinedWhat? Wes.

ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home?

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!

Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up! Well, I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter, but what choice did I have?

He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy!

Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS) (SCREAMING)

Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw?

Am I a blue state or a red state hobo? Blue, but Midwestern blue. Oh, boy. (GRUMBLING) It's cold out there. Am I allowed to alter the mustache? Dude, why do you keep trying to make Hitler work? Am I allowed to kill other hobos to increase my odds? Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo. Am I a walking hobo? No.

Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true.

I should've warned you, she can be a real bitch in the morning. Mom, this is really weird. I want Dad back. I don't. Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill. Not like the fake thrill of running into your ex-girlfriend on the street. Rob? Hey! Hey! How are you? God, it's good to see you. Good to see you, too.

Good-bye the sun has gone to bed and so must I

Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin. (GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way. Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell!

but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way. All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys. There, look, they have Chunky bars. What a God-awful mess those things are. Chocolate with raisins in it.

(SNARLING) I've had enough of you! (EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYING)

Cleveland.

A stereo?

(THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING ON TV)

All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner. Oh, no, you're not, Joe. We have a new policy. Can't you read the sign? Peter, what the hell is that all about?

(CLEARS THROAT) People of France, a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie, and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome. (SIREN WAILING)

My God, this house is freakin' sweet

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

Peter, I know you're humiliated, but getting drunk is not the answer. Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing.

Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really?

Give me the gun.

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word!

Not too bad. Right on.

My bike! Where's my bike?

Bueno.

I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here. No!

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy! (WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs. Oh, good, a baby. Oh, no, it's a girl. And I hate girls.

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.

Because of an accident at the quahog Cable Company television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

you could shoot the dog biscuits out,

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

Guys?

I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy And your record will stand as proof Be it galley or a freighter, I'm an expert navigator And you're also a world-class poof My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street For a sailor who can pirouette on cue

Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation. (ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me.

All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.

Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.

Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep. Elliot? Elliot, wake up. Elliot? (GASPS) (RINGING) Officer Swanson here.

Ooh, I'm Lois. Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. Oh boy! This'll be even easier than running unopposed.

It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.

Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh? (IMITATES FANFARE) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh!

Yeah. This will surely affect my inheritance.

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two?

Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy.

I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish, by Peter Griffin.

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth. God created everything, and the world is getting colder. What is your tax plan?

you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? (SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that. Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank. You know, you don't... You don't deserve...

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach.

Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies And our schools are the safest around, thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here!

I don't know. Tell me, tell me what's on your mind. Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad. Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad to you, young lady. Oh, God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.

Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter?

if you erase me, you'll destroy the universe! What are you talking about? Listen to him, Bertram! It's true! Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad. The resulting explosion was the big bang. So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist.

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us!

Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

You're making me sound like Michael Stipe.

Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down--

Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there. Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan,

Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone.

Sweet dreams, kiddo.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? Have the towel boy bring you another. Oh, I don't want to bother him. Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you.

You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy,

What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.

Is okay, I take.

Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well, that's crazy, just trying to scare us. And if that weren't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job. Affirmative action strikes again.

(SAWING CONTINUES)

Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY) That's so much better. Morning, Lois.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again.

(SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

I fucked your dad.

Giggity Giggity Goo.

The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

(SCREAMING) There you go.

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart.

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking, and I just don't want to engage.

Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's. I don't know, Lois.

Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase, I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states.

Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ... No way! You're gonna be on T.V. Oh, sweet! Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi. You're on it. Oh, wow.

I'm gonna be a woman at work who cannot get sick right now. (SNEEZES) Sweetie, maybe you need to go home. I'm not going home. I cannot get sick right now. I have way too much to do. It's okay, everyone will understand. No. I cannot get sick right now. There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower, and with this move, I just cannot get sick right now.

You're not welcome here, Dig Them. I stand behind my decision. This press conference is over. I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom. Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting.

Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand. No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best. Well, look who finally got here.

Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush! Don't tell my dad. Rush, you're not giving him sweets, are you? God damn it. What's the harm? He's going to be pooping all over his Spider-Man sheets and I'm the one who's going to have to deal with it. Hey there, Rush. How you doing?

Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.

Pee-ew!

Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay...

Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.

Happy Birthmas.

Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?

I'm talking about go. That's what I'm talking about!

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

You're as bad as Negatron. Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe?

Welcome home, asshole!

Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country? What? Payback!

Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!

Heart and soul

Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.N. interpreter. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something. He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area...

Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot. Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly!

Wow, my favorite. PB and J with the crusts cut off. - What did you get? - Your crusts. That's it? No. I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.

as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog Mall this weekend to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps kids clothing store.

I gotta do it, Karen. I just gotta take a shot. That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it.

The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow. Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky.

(CHRIS SCREAMING)

and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Either have the baby or don't.

uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez.

Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? I know. Who would've thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV? Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look. (ALARM BUZZING) Oh, there's the pie.

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

Is this a joke?

Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes?

Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I want to see my dad. Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian. All you have to do is paint. Now, get busy. I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me. Oh, Jeez, Kate, what should I do?

And some cinnamon.

But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball. I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments...

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present. All right, get on.

Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again. Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?

I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on--

Bring it on!

(SPEAKING ELVISH) (SPEAKING ELVISH)

Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am.

You don't need a jack. I am a jack. Come on, I'll lift that thing for you. Hey, I appreciate your help, man.

Shit.

I swear I heard something. (SIGHS) Adam, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right? All right, I guess. Good.

"I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kidS." It's true. He did say it. A buncH of Hot young celebrities. It's perfect! The kids are on their way to L.A. to renegotiate their contract. But. Ha, ha, ha. But their plane is gonna be making a little stopover in Rhode IslanD. If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work.

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you...

Obi-Wan?

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Yup.

I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there.

What a bitch.

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

"Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert. Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price.

No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.

I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.

What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole?

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.

Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas.

(STATIC BUZZING)

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

Peter, give Chris a spanking. Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo.

Yeah! You're a little too heavy, buddy. Yeah! We're going down. Yeah! Yeah. You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under control before the police caught onto you.

So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show. You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming.

What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road.

Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie. Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down! I don't think that he's listening to you. Let's get him! ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you.

Seeing As how the two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin.

All right, I'll see you later. All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun.

Oh, great! Wait a second! Ah, You got me! You got me. I'll get him, though. I'll get him. I bet you will. I bet you will. Is that ham? I thought you put that back.

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar?

Gentlemen, that was a fart.

Come on, do math. Dad, I need you to... Dad, what are you doing? Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look.

And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time?

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S.

Slothful sinners!

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again.

What happened? Did we crash? Yeah, we crashed. Wow. Still, you know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial, I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time.

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money?

I want straws. We'll get you a straw.

but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um... I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know?

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!

Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella. Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it.

Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

Let's see. I got 10% off a Netflix membership,

Remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois? Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful! This is going right up on the fridge. Really? The fridge? It's like we have a little Michelangelo in the house. Okay! See you guys later.

I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God. 'Cause it's not really up to me. It's up to him. And I want to thank the devil, too. You know, 'cause that's why God's there. He's minding the fence, making sure that guy never comes back. Uh...

but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch. PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three. Okay! Easy, easy, easy... Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait... Stop! Stop, stop... What? What, what? - No, no, no. Twist it. - I am. No, no, no. The other way. Which way? You're twisting the wrong way. What do you want me to do?

(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC) How can you even say that?

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa!

(YAWNING) Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING)

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him.

Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can.

And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool. Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen for a sec... No, you listen, Brian! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole,

Okay, here's the rules.

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Well, Not really. Ok. Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity? Wow, that sort of sounds more like me. Great! Then all you need is a dark- blue jogging suit. Let's see what we have in stock. What are you? About A 9? No. A 6.

Ah! A ghost! Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok.

" got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing... and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.

I quit!

W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah."

(CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit.

(BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING)

That's amazing, Lois! Thank you! Oh, I am very proud of you. My God! A TV pilot. Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler did after he wrote Mein Kampf. Well, we read it and we don't like it. (SIGHS) We love it! (BOTH LAUGHING) You got me!

PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz. MAN: Sorry.

Well, you did it, Peter. You got TV back to normal. Yeah, guys, I'm sorry for screwing up all your favorite shows. Oh, that's okay, Peter. So, what do you say? Are we pals again? - Of course we are. - You bet. Well, let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing.

Maybe it was Diane.

Angela, I did it. I finished the third grade. I'm ready for my promotion. Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital. - You're going to jail. - What? What, you think everyone just forgot about that? There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports. Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you.

Like hell you are! What are you talking about, Peter? We ain't goin' nowhere. This bar belongs to us. (BELLS CHIMING) Ice cream truck! You didn't get any ice cream? The ice cream man was handsome. I got nervous.

This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending.

Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score!

Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

No, it isn't!

Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues The movie never ends ft goes on and on

We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that?

(GASPING IN TREMOLO) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY) Hey, Peter, you wanted me to watch the entire first season of True Blood and come show you where there was boob? That's right, I don't want to see any actual True Blood, just boob. Yeah, well, I found some.

Now batting, Stewie Griffin!

Googity. Googity. Glop.

And I'm here to talk to you about rape. Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you. I'm not gonna rape you. I might.

Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

but I'm still getting XVIII's mail. Yeah, no. No, he's not here anymore, this is XXIV. Yeah, no, I don't need Newsweek. No, I don't need National Geographic. No... Yeah, we'll hang on to Boys' Life.

Conservative Republicanism is the answer. Good. Good for Brian. Brian, look at this. Now, this is a tasteful nude. It's called "A Saucy Outing In Tottenham Court Square."

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler. Edgar, could you bring me some tea? Yeah! Yeah! Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered. This guy's screaming and waving his arms around.

Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit! The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth!

Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it! (SOBBING)

I have to draw you!

MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone.

And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great. Cool. I'll call you later.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Quahog's newest serial killer has struck again. Since the first victim at Quahog Park last week, three more men have been killed, all of them very, very fat.

right now, in high school, by these lockers. I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake. High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame.

Lois!

I'm gonna have me a snack. N-n-n-No! Shower!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point.

Your Earth's bitch.

(GRUNTS) Damn these stubby arms! Well, this is no better.

Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

The whore gets her stubby fingers... He puts cigars in his mouth... ...in my wallet! Larceny! ...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way.

and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way. STEWIE: So, Obi-Wan, we meet again. What part of, "Stay 50 yards away "at all times," don't you understand?

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?

Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle?

(SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened?

You hear that, Meg? Yeah, it does not protect against missiles. See, these are the questions. This is why I'm here. Peter, you can't be serious. This is a 30-ton war machine. I'm still not sure. Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold. PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls!

Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished. But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

I'm half shark and half Peter

PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go

So, would you mind giving me a lift home, buddy?

This'll show them that Cleveland's not fit to be a parent.

That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!

No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA.

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry?

Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

Boy, she's pretty pissed.

Did someone say Tex-Mex?

You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office?

Well, look who finally got here. (STAMMERING) You beat us? Don't feel too bad, gang. We only beat you by one hour, 12 minutes and 43 seconds. And, quite frankly, we're bored of it up here. So you guys enjoy it. We're gonna head back down.

Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods,

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out! Wait! We can work this out!

Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone in A day or two

The thing was on for 10 years! And the funny repair guy was Lowell. It made Tony Shalhoub's career! - Who? - The tennis player? You know what, screw you guys. I don't even know you. Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings. I love Wings.

And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list And the smarty on Thanksgiving Who says it's the tryptophane

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb.

Road House.

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!

This isn't so bad. Yes, the people are friendly. I say the media has totally blown this whole thing out of proportion. Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack. Big boom. No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins.

Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft.

You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek! I knew it! I knew it. As soon as that show came on the air, I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kidS." It's true. He did say it.

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck. Hey there, little fella.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars. What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"?

Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah.

Ah! I knew you'd blow all your money. Love you, bye. I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.

- You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at... What is it again? The Onion? So if I go up to your room right now, I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right? No. (SCREAMS) Damn it! That's what I thought.

I did my prep research on Christopher Hitchens. I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!" Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear!

Hey, look at me. I'm walking. Ooh, I'm a remarkable man.

Wah! Wah!

(CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Oh, For the love of God. Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut.

This is treason!

What? You are not performing an exorcism on my baby. Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force. No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp.

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.

You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

you'll know.

Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave. But first, let's go to the Ouahog Mega-Mall... where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa... is handing out makeovers. That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society.

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind! A pox on quahog!

Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you.

And initial here... and here. And date. Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth.

Ah, they're back at school. Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was. This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh!

"To begin my life with the beginning of my life, "I record that I was born on a Friday, at 12:00 at night." (LOCK CLICKING) (DOOR OPENING)

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.

SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool.

Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

(UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no!

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. That... That's fine. Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

Thanks, Ollie. And now this.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner.

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get ourselves kicked out. Right, we've just gotta convince them we're not army material. Ready? All right, let's do it. Wow, look at how gay we are. I am so gay with my gayness. Me too. I'm... I'm a homo. - Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!

OMG, stop staring at me, please. Okay, thanks.

goose! Oh, Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it! You see--You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the W.N.B.A.

This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... blows!

Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom? Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

Oh, my God! (BONNIE) Did you walk? (Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN.

eh. How about now? well, We are supposed to see other people. And I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert. I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo! Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste.

I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Yes, it's that stupid kid. Now, listen very closely 'cause here's how it's gonna go down. (ROARING)

(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.

because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us!

Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...?

I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.

Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you got so far. Oh, you are just the worst type of person.

There. I did it.

Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)

I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets. Hey, Swedish Chef. Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on?

What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air You're a real pal, Jesus.

What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt.

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING)

Lois don't get alarmed, but I think I might be Jesus. I'm Jesus. Peter, that's a static shock.

Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want? I just want to talk to you about everything that happened. Um... You know, you were the only person who believed in me when I was down. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was.

Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me!

Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi.

Something about Stewie and Cheerios.

You will bow to ME.

(GROANING) This is gonna be a bigger pain in the ass than getting into a last clap contest with Cleveland. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus.

It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God!

Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?

Stewie, stop fussing.

Listen, I know I'm not a regular patient,

Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic.

I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

We are gonna have such a fun time.

You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose.

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money?

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka It doesn't keep me up at night, but it helps me poo. (SOBBING)

Let's go home, Joe. Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor?

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it, but I'm kind of embarrassed by him sometimes. I know, and he's got boobs, too. Stupid guy with boobs.

You know, Brian. I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap. Like this movie, Stimy Gruffin, The Untold Story. It's not a movie at all, Brian. Just three episodes, back to back. This thing is an insult. Well, that might be overstating things a little. It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, Fox should be...

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

Voice test. "I'm Chris." I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat. If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny. System off. Splendid.

I was in a folk-music trio.

MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens. Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose? Why not, Dad? It's just water. All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty. Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet.

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age.

Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.

(BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!

Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer? 'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Save it, Meg! I don't need your apologies!

Peter, Come help me with the groceries. Ok, honey. Craig T. Nelson! Are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. Make it quick.

Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money?

Until our hair grows back, Chris.

More golf course for me!

Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there?

Hey. Hey, Lois.

Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you.

Pardon me. Is this first-period English?

Quick, everyone! Into the pod!

Your potato joke was terrible.

What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet. Do I... Do I hit him? No! Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth!

Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming.

You took me away from a Swedish girlie-girl and her paralyzed, but trusting, cousin for this? $1,000 says I live. A thousand clams, huh? - What the hell? - Ok.

You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.

Lucky there's a family guy

Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it!

Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hi, I'm a French Canadian girl down here on my vacation. It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own. I like the swimming pool with a bar in it, 'cause you can sit on a barstool and you're in the water. I like how all the food and drink is included in the price of the ticket.

and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here." Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud when they cast their eyes on such favorites as Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow,

What else did you buy? Oh, a couple things, that light fixture, new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra, your garbage disposal, your dishwasher, and your new cat. (MOOING)

But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart

Who wants chowder?

What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

Sure. Wait, wait, wait. I want to get all snuggled in. Okay, go. "Chapter One, 'I am Born.' "Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, "or whether that station shall be held by anybody else, "these pages must show. "To begin my life with the beginning of my life,

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned

Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!

You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You got to save him! Peter, you need to let go.

How the hell are you gonna do... (YELLING) Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law. But you, Meg, you're going to jail.

ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil, and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year.

Like what? Like... You... Just write down however you think you're talented, and I'll sign it. Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage.

Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food!

Why'd he order a ginger ale? And who the hell doesn't look at jugs? Yeah, and he's got his cell phone clipped to his belt like he's some kind of big shot on vacation. Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are uncomfortable with Mahmoud because he's Muslim. What? What are you talking about? This is your post-9/11 racism talking.

Oh, I know all the things to say. Maybe I can help you out. - You'd do that for me? - Sure. Right after my favorite show. TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next, To Catch a Predator Who's Proud of Being a Predator. Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline. Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old?

You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this.

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again! Ah, The breakfast thing. Heh. Yes.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much. Please turn to hymn number 487.

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No!

Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm-- I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now. Come on, I got to watch the Emmys. Peter, you're going to Meg's play and that's that. Is that that now, Mrs. That's that?

Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace,

She's disgusting! Not when you're drunk, she's not. All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what. I'm gonna show you that, too. Okay, get ready for this. Hey, hey, hey, gang!

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

I don't get it, Mom. If you're so mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night? I came because I love the theater. I mean, If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle o' his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be? A bitch.

TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind. Hey, you guys wanna see something? Grab a beer and follow me.

Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven? Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated. You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now!

Hey, Hey, guys and dolls! Drinks are on do-re-me! Ha! Ha! Oh, Where'd you get that? Oh, This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, Ian Greenstein, heh! He made some smart investments that really paid off. That guy is to money what Miss Ann Margaret is to... Ahh! Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire.

High school sucks. Everything sucks.

Please don't send me away. I have to. You broke my heart.

My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive, he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star! Mom, can I get lipo, too?

I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. Really? You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughinG. There's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap. That was classic.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

Excuse me, there's something on the wall. Now you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas and Fiji water!

(Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore. I missed you so much. Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake?

Carter, as your boss, I command you to have a viewing party for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory, and you have to go cubicle to cubicle inviting people.

(COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today.

That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity.

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache?

What the hell? Where are we? Oh, my God, this is... This is Newport Country Club. I used to be a towel boy here. That's right, Peter. You're 18 years old again. At least, that's how everyone will see you.

And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes, but little did you know, you've had herpes all along. I didn't want herpes! Oh. Well, you've got it.

Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

Good night, everyone.

How much time do we have before you're un-born? With the time acceleration, I'm not quite sure. But trust me, I can feel myself getting younger. All right. The machine has been repaired. Now all I've got to do is isolate the cause of the acceleration curve and see if I can duplicate the shock wave.

(SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Quick, Brian, into the time machine!

God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.

Excuse me, sir. Secret Service. I wonder if we might ask for your assistance. Yeah, what's the problem? We're with President Clinton's motorcade. It seems he blew a tire in front of your house. Boy, that guy is really horny, isn't he? Would you happen to have a jack we could borrow? You don't need a jack. I am a jack. Come on, I'll lift that thing for you.

No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't!

W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!

Lois, I'm a guy you can trust with a task. I'm the one who almost conquered the dragon's lair. (SCREAMS) MALE VOICE: Dragon's Lair.

Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass

uh, even been to a P.T.A. meeting. This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"! I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed

Ugh!

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Aye. Aye, aye, mate.

Why don't you put your hands right there? It'll help me relax. Ok, buddy. Ahh! Heh, heh. Maybe you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you beer. It goes right through you. Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah?

But, Montana, when will you be back? That's none of your concern. You gotta take care of the offspring. Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down to St. Louis on Mississippi. This glen's gonna be tough to traverse. And that river's gotta be 50, 60 meters wide,

What am I going to do, Seamus? Dr. Hartman is my only hope, and there's no way he's going to see me. Well, you best come up with something, Peter. Otherwise, this will happen to your prostate. You just carry a picture of a diseased prostate around with you? Never know when it's going to come up in conversation,

(SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it.

Nice.

well, i'm--I'm trying to nail the flautist. Oh, Stewie! You're adorable! Yes, Yes. I rather like the sash, But do the Huggies make my ass look big? Peter, come on! You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding.

(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner.

Hey, Lois. is Peter there? Oh, hi, Quagmire. No, Peter's not home. We're, uh, We're having some minor marital problems. Our therapist has advised us to date other people. Hey Lois, you want to go out? What? We-- I don't know, Glen. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time.

She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting.

What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway.

Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

(LAUGHING) (CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING)

- Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter?

it's probably the right thing to do!

"wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

You mean the way, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's really, really funny?

Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.

"400 years ago in Bethesda, Maryland."

Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? Have the towel boy bring you another. Oh, I don't want to bother him. Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you.

Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie?

Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)

The von Trapp family escaped! Reverend Mother, I have sinned. What is this sin, my child? Oh, well. No harm done. I too have sinned, Mother. Oh, my God! That's Rolfe! What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on!

Not the kid, but, like, the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor. He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone. But just looking down at his dead face and knowing that he lived near someone who worked with the dad of the kid whose name I never found out, I lost all hope. That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq. I just had to wait for my chance.

Humphrey Bogart. Don Knotts.

It's obeying all the rules!

Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn. No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.

Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No!

(LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

where you're married to Molly Ringwald, Quagmire's married to Lois, and for some reason, we have a chalkboard in the living room. Well, what are we gonna do? We got to figure out what happened at this point in time. And I'll tell you another thing that worries me. You ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

well, Despite your point of view I can thrill a girl or 2 But I'd rather get it on with you

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

- He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it.

Hey, did you hear something? Probably just another drill. You know that last drill we had? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.

Yeah, but Joe just finished putting in his new home theater. It's gonna be tight, y'all.

(BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch?

Do you have any Raisin Bran? Uh, oh, no, sorry. (SIGHS) Well, can you go get me some? Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together. I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran. Mmm, yeah, but it's not.

But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know what? you know what? I bet you run into those 2 dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. And You're not gonna know which one is which, And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me.

Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so. Do you? Oh, No, I just always feel badly when we have to be strict. Oh, Did I remember to turn the stove off? Yes.

I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

Ah, What the deuce?

I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance. Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry! I think we just have to face it, Peter.

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God!

Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...

Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino... Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape?

(CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.

STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers. They're in the cabinet. I don't see them. They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking at? Can't you just come in here? No, I'm busy! (CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian!

Me, too. Your body makes me so horny. Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter.

All right, Stewie, since Lois says I got to keep an eye on you, we might as well have some father-son time. So I'm gonna measure your penis and then I'm gonna measure my penis, and we're gonna see whose is bigger. Doesn't really seem fair. All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway. FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids, coming up next, it's the Jolly Farm Revue marathon.

You son of a bitch!

How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING)

You know, my hooligan friend,

We gonna pretend to hit each other for a while, then maybe kiss a little? (CHUCKLING) I'm terrible. Hey, watch it. That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady.

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night.

COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg?

He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.

Peter! Peter! there's--There's so much doody in here. I ca-- I can't take it anymore. I haven't eaten in 4 days 'cause I-- 'Cause--'cause I... I just can't fit any more in there. Help me.

Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision.

Oh, Damn! I say, I seem to have sewn a shoe to my hand, may I go to the nurse? Replace him! Faster!

Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak!

Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick!

it' s Sa turda y Nigh t! TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? undefinedA rare miss. " don't think that was a sketch, Peter. Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy.

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me.

I'm asking, did you see the DVD frat house edition with all the uncensored footage and the interview with Ryan Reynolds? No. Well, that's all part of mastering the Force, man.

Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party. Now, how could a woman at an orgy witness a murder? The bedroom was 100 feet from the window. Okay, first of all, the term "orgy" is outdated. We call them, "Genital jamborees." But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime.

(FARTING)

Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight. What was her problem?

They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time! I get to go, right? Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do? Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything.

(STATIC BUZZING)

Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry!

Okay, okay, I can do this.

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy!

Bye, new awesome friends. Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?

Personal, life, career. I'm an open book.

It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah.

but right now, I am exhausted. Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

Oh, Now you're just being crazy.

One more push. (STRAINING) There we go! It's a boy! And he's got a gun! (GUNSHOTS) (CRYING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You like that? Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt at the first Thanksgiving. "Where's my penis, pilgrims?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And here's John Wayne Gacy at the first Thanksgiving. "I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims."

A Japanese or something.

Big League Chew.

watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe. Peter, instead of wasting your free gas on a series of comedic stunts, why don't you use it more constructively? I mean, we could take a family vacation. Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom.

Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex

Brian, what is this on my shoe? My poop. That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learned to use the toilet like everyone else. I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze. (SNEEZES) (SCREAMING)

Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker? Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here. Would admission of that allow that person to keep it? Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album. Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks!

Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!

The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!

All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Sorry, sir, private party tonight.

Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra. Fine, Fine. I can see I'm not wanted here. Maybe I'll just find my own place. Oh, Peter. I just feel terrible about this. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need anything. You know what? Maybe I'll just go take up my old job as a construction worker in New York. Although I never did get the cat callin' right.

Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista. What's the worst that could happen?

Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father."

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em.

Frosty, let it go!

Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio? Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.

Oh, no! What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. Oh, Lois, again? That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on. Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food!

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

- You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike!

Really? Oh, my God! How exciting. Well, here's my card. Give me a call. Now, perhaps some young gentleman would like to light me up. Allow me. So, what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing or what?

You're getting a bigger head than Chris Matthews. The economy's in the news today, and Congress is considering a minimum-wage increase. Live by satellite to talk about it, Senator Harry Reid in Washington. How about it, Senator Reid? Is this the right move during the worst recession since the 1930s? Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track, we have to get more money in the pockets...

It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.

Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath.

Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience.

Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again! I can't find the sweater. How the hell did you even meet him? We had a pen-pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other. Well, it stops now! But, Mom, I love him! It stops now, Meg!

No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Weaf World/Road Rules Challenge. You hate MTV. Pot helps.

Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do?

What? You son of A... Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Hit it! Cloudy skies and rain clouds Have come to stay Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way But f wanna be without a care

Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News.

"I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.

MAN: I didn't like any of that.

- Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you. Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

And to think, Brian, I was, like, a day away from havin' sex with you. I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian. But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball? No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement.

Black guy mail! Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I.

I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Pass the salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost-empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. It's all out. There's dressing on that salad. Give me that salad.

Who? Bazooka Joe?

(SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Ahh! ahh! AHh! ahh!

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm.

A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony! I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome!

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool.

(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

(ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (GRUNTS)

You're right. You can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now. CELL PHONE RINGER: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right?

Wah! Shut up!

I bless the rains down in Africa

- And the road - And the road

Gross.

I'm Peter Griffin.

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave.

I... I no can read these words. This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas. Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands,

Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal? What the hell's wrong with you? - All set? - Yup.

Good Tea Party morning, everyone!

Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons, and I'd like to welcome you to Quahog's Fifth Annual Talent Show. Let's have a round of applause for our first performer.

Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler!

Did you kill Lois?

Angela! Angela, wake up! What the... Griffin? Angela, what the hell are you doing trying to kill yourself? Why the hell did you pull me out of there?

Shit.

Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment. I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.

I hate Chris! He's such a jerk!

Stop it! It liked my joke.

Go away!

Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great.

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week.

I assure you, I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sight. Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

(WHIRRING) (MECHANICAL HOOTING) I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying. Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin. I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house. 413, 413... I think this is it, Chris.

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch.

What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym.

Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to, but I'm watching my weight 'cause I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again. Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

W-What's new, Ed? WEll, Stewie, tonight We have a really big show. Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun.

The moon. There's a reason no one goes there.

Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe. Stewie, you got to get us out of here. If we stay in here much longer, we're either gonna freeze or starve. I know. But I can't reach the device. You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that?

I'm an author. I have contributed to the zeitgeist. Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means? If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana, which is a girl's name, and I'm... And you know, I'm not gonna give you... I'm not gonna give you the definition right now just for your satisfaction. You know, Brian, I don't think you're in a position, really,

Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa

Is that... What is that... Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that... And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its." A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from? Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal.

and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin,

What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying!

Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snakepit. That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood.

Blast!

Can we live with that? I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it.

I love her so, so much!

(LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going. You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it.

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

Got one over here! It's no good! There's too many of them! What do we do now? What the hell do we do now? We pray.

Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are.

Happy Easter!

Like the end of a Mexican wedding. (ALL CHEERING)

Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!

How's it going?

And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store.

" wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

Just let me close my eyes for a minute. Look, I know his wife is a smoker. Just yesterday, when we saw her at the country club... she had a cigarette in her hand.

Thank goodness I've got you

Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!

Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage. Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear!

Oh, my God, what have I done? Hey, it's all about ratings, baby, and we got 'em. No, it wasn't worth it. I'm sorry, Stewie, I can't do this anymore. I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack.

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now!

(GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Should we help him? Eh. (MUFFLED) I think... I think... I think...

(STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No!

Yeah. Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop. Oops! Speak of the devil. Oops, make that devils.

Oh! (YELLING) We'll take my carriage. Oh, crap! Well, I'm still here, you bastards, so let's do this. (WHISTLE BLOWING)

I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house.

Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Yesterday, voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person they want running their schools. Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide. Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity! (MONKEY SCREAMING)

I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does. Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg. Now, Meg, you want to be thin like all the Hollywood starlets, right? Yeah, but I love to eat. Well, I've got a way that you can eat all you want and look like a Hollywood starlet. Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey.

And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going. Okay, let's see. You want to go for a walk? It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry.

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

Besides, you know me. I'm into a lot of different stuff. What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right. You know, Chris, a little friendly advice.

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

to teach me how to whine and do my

Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college!

Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?

Nobody move! Nobody move! Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile!

You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Got to make you understand Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around...

Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen.

You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble.

That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh.

What the hell is your problem, Mort? I am sorry, Peter. I thought you were one of those criminals... who broke in and destroyed my entire stock of acne medication.

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well.

And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up. Griffin! Lady Redbush!

Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better. Hey, Brian, what do you say we sing Stewie some real music? Sounds good to me. On the western side of Quahog

They're getting nude.

What? Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh? Huh? Would it not? Evidently, Lois Griffin, star citizen of Quahog, is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur.

Where do you think you're going? I'm going downstairs. There's a toll in the hall now, 10 bucks. Look, can I... Uh! I just... Uh! Stewie... Uh! Look... Uh! Come on... Uh! I... Uh! Just... Uh! You... Uh! This is... Uh! Can I... Uh!

I'm gonna go get a beer.

Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out. What's in there? It feels cold.

Hey, i'm, Hi, I'm Brian.

Listen, I just want to clear any bad feelings you may have about me and Carolyn. (SIGHING) I guess it's okay. These are passing flings, nothing to get upset about. Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night! What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better!

because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us! And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog.

all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know?

Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

Jack, that's got my poop in it. I know, I know. It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery. Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Boy, this is really going to upset my evil brother, Thaddeus. Yeah. This will surely affect my inheritance.

(AS KARINA) Yes, well, that gives you no right to be a blaggard! Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out!

And if you have sex, you're automatically in Al-Qaeda.

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.

Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.

All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed. Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you. What a weird little guy. Thanks, Joyce. How old do they usually live to be, by the way? Well, you never see a gray-haired one. So inspiring.

Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there! Always nice to meet a fan of my movies. Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy.

But I can't get over the fact that you lied to me.

I did good. Drive. Any particular direction? That way. You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town.

Okay, well, uh... I'm back from agricultural school, and I might have the solution to our farming trouble. I brought some heirloom tomato seeds. That's nice, Brian. Here's a new kind of meth you put in your pee-hole. What? Oh, yeah, we're meth dealers now. Yeah, you missed it. My teeth came in and then fell out again. I don't believe this! Are you guys insane?

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet.

(SINGING ELVIRA)

well, Despite your point of view

Thanks for filling in for Peter, Lois. Yeah, okay, but I hope you brought it today, 'cause this ain't no ladies' lunch. Well, I'll certainly do the best I can. But don't worry, Glenn, I'm one woman who knows a thing or two about sports. Yeah, I know you think you are. Your softball chatter made that quite clear. Okay, that's two down, guys, two outs. Two out of the three outs required. Okay, guys, let's go.

The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie

I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie. Please don't do it. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you lately, but I love you and I need you. Please come home with me. Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. This is so hard. Think about what we have together, honey. Think about our little girl.

We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers. Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh... Well, I lost my train of thought. But this is really exciting.

Take out your pencils and start your test.

This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.

After all, I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter. (GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor.

But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike!

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power

Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line.

Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to-- I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie.

'Cause, You know, some places don't take credit cards. But, Mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card. Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling? Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do two can be As bad As one

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly?

PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!

I tell you, This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain? All right Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around. Oh--Oh, no. Head... hunters. Ahh! Am I fired?

Hope it's one of yours. - (DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART - PLAYING) Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless...

(GROANING) This is gonna be a bigger pain in the ass than getting into a last clap contest with Cleveland. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus. Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time,

a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers.

Any more bright ideas, Professor?

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

Patrick Pewterschmidt. Who's that? My brother-in-law. People call him the Fat Guy Strangler. He's always had a thing for strangling fat guys. I guess he fits the profile, Peter, but Lois' brother is locked up in an asylum.

I'm Jesus. Peter, that's a static shock. Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet, and when you touched Chris, you passed it on. - Kneel before Christ! - Ah!

All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared.

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.

Name something you find in your bathroom. (BUZZER SOUNDING) A sink. Show us "sink!" Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that. Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl."

I hereby declare this Stabby Eye Day! (SCREAMS)

Cool. I'll call you later. Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

it's time for Petey's Funhouse. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING) It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head.

Come on! You like the park, right? We're about to pass the turnoffs. Here it comes!

You can have me. (GIGGLING)

Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING)

Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well. The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared. Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you.

it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight? Your what?

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that.

Than it really is when you actually stand back And examine it with some objectivity Amen PRIEST: Please be seated.

You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me,

Hi. Can I take my tie off yet? Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful.

Yes, the fat man's going to Hell.

I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.

Isn't this epic, Peter?

I don't care.

Bonnie, I didn't think it would have to come to this, but I can see there's only one way left to prove my love to you. (GRUNTING)

Jasper called.

And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

Hey, Lois, look.

Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?

You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

And I change up the tempo Brian comes in and he changes the song Looking at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong Hey, Brian Why are you bringing me down, man? Why are you bringing me down?

My son got into DeVry. Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything?

PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!

Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it.

ANNOUNCER: This is Channel Five News, Texas, with Duke Dillon. Howdy, Texas, I'm Duke Dillon. At the top of the news tonight, authorities have called off their pursuit of a fugitive Rhode Island baby who was thought to be possessed by the devil. Oh, thank God.

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois.

Sorry to be tardy to the party. Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake!

I'll finish it later. Yay! Lois, these eggs are scrambled. I thought for sure you'd be making eggs Benedict Arnold.

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,

What are you, gay or something?

Hell, give me $50 on Tyson. Well, you're in good company. Betting Freddy took the same wager. (STUTTERING) Bet! Wait a minute. There's nothing funny about an addiction. Vote no on Indian gaming laws.

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

We must be in Leonardo da Vinci's studio.

Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure.

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

You two didn't hear that, did you? BRIAN: Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. BRIAN: I don't work here. Then I'll have you killed. BRIAN: I want to die.

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus. Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday. Who did that? QUAGMIRE: Giggity.

Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.

You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

Luke! They let you out of jail? Not exactly.

Get the fuck out of my house!

Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher. (CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest. It can't be done. Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ.

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian.

Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago.

- Oh, Ah, - AH!

Thank you for ruining my life!

Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past. Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies.

I don't like to be touched!

Giraffity.

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases.

STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there.

Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

That's it, Mr. Giraffe.

Oh, and we do have one special today. It's an avocado pit with a little bit of avocado still on it, and that comes on a ripped pair of boxer shorts.

From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

Well, the DNA test results are back. This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire. What am I supposed to do? I don't want a baby. Look, somebody's got to take this kid off my hands. I can't be a father. Well, Glenn, you don't have a choice. This baby is your responsibility.

(PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell Where is the bell? Wait for the bell Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Mom, guess what?

I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in. Nah, that's okay.

What are you doing? Like ... obvious. Shut up. Check out these ribs, Lois. Oh, yeah? That's nothing. Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad.

What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here....

I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

How do I stay so crazy? Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, pooping in the chimney. Hold out your stockings, kids!

right in the middle of Black History Month. There are a thousand hearts in Quahog, a thousand stories. Some people don't have any stories. Others got two. Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way. Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...

No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

- Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over. All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery.

(SCREAMING) Hey, did you see a hand come down here? No. (LUKE SCREAMING)

MAN: And now, back to Jake and the Fatman. Hey, look over here on the carpet. That's a cigarette butt. This is probably evidence. What do you think was in that Danish? You think it was cheese? 'Cause I got a little problem with cheese.

Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while.

It could be worse, though. At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway!

Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle. And it's weather-treated with a mixture of whale skin oil and children's tears. (DOORBELL RINGING) Yes? Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law.

MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?

I got a splinter! (WAILING)

All right, come on, if Mission Control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard. Okay, okay, uh, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Then we'll have unlimited lives. Come on, we're running out of time. Oh, Meg, all your suicide threats over the years, and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us. Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us.

Car! Car! Car!

Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going? All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way. - Darn it. - Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ? Why is math so hard?

(ANGRY BIRDS MUSIC PLAYING) Go, go, go, go, go... Aw! He so should've died. This is bullcrap. Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.

STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.

Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly?

This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal. Hello, Alaska! Adam!

Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it! I deserve to relax, too.

But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

We're too different to ever be pals You and I are

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made!

Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.

Hi, Connie. Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day about how much you liked High School Musical 2 so I burned you the soundtrack.

I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter. Nice going. This dinner was a disaster. Eh. Clash of the Titans' owl was worse.

You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

(RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later. (FARTING) (BURPING)

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian.

No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room!

It's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic.

Hey, maybe we should just cut off her leg and count the rings. Yeah, or maybe try carbon-dating. I don't know what that is. You know, we're gonna have to talk to her and kind of steer the conversation in a way that gets her to spill it. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. Hi, sweetie. Hey, Meg.

Ow! Ugh! Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip.

Peter, what the hell? Where's your ski mask? It's kind of hard to breathe in those things, so I just dressed up like Harry Potter. (SIGHS) All right, let's go.

Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian.

Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep flood waters from floating into my bum. (LAUGHS) No. No, I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed. I don't think you realize the danger. Like the people who think it's okay to bring shampoo on an airplane. So I told Brenda, "I work hard. I like a clean house when I come home."

Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

(EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING)

What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more. This van has the latest in law-enforcement technology. Watch.

Here with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma. That's wrong. That's wrong. You're not doing good so far. I'm standing here surrounded by snowdrifts, stalled cars, and the one douchebag who wears a tank top every time there's a blizzard. Yeah, this is nothin'. Guy at work drank a quart of motor oil once and didn't even die from it.

PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch!

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)

Hurts, don't it? Dumbass.

Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing. You want to get a book published, don't you? Well, yes. Well, if you want to be in black and white, black and white's got to be in you. (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to. Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS) (LAUGHING) What a wonderful novelty photo this will make. Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask. I have the mumps.

Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.

I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

Oh, Dad, do we have to... Ow! Don't cry! Don't cry! Game's over if you cry. (SLURRING) I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this. Peter, I think you may have had one too many. Maybe it's time to ease off, huh?

I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets. I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this. A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.

(GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts!

I won't have a member of my family racing in a bathtub. Well, Daddy, you didn't want Peter in your boat... so team Griffin is gonna give you a run for your money. ANNOUNCER: Andnow, to fire the starting gun... is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks.

You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that.

Today, I ate Peaches, Ginger, Honey, Candy, Olive. You know what? This is the wrong list.

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

Now I'm glad you made me face away during sex. Brian, you've been using me. You're right, Cheryl, he's just a user. And you, Glenn. I was always waiting for you to grow up, but you're still that unicycle street performer with a dream in his eye and a parrot on his shoulder. That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things live forever.

How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much.

so we got a little welcome-to-the-family present for you. Your husband's work and poker game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there, too, but I don't mind if you don't.

That was my first question, too. Come on. Have a look at the Sistine Chapel. Wow. Yep. With no Christianity to inspire Michelangelo, they gave the job to John Hinckley.

Hang on a second. What's going on here? Something doesn't add up. Just a minute. Time out. This ain't quite right.

Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible? Um, uh... That one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

"I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here."

You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

and why should I give a damn?

He's a family guy Good morning! Is what normal families say.

Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on. Okay.

I know how you like that song, so I got you two turtledoves. Where did you get these? I went to a scientist and had them genetically engineered. Fly, beautiful turtledoves. Bring Christmas cheer to all. (SCREECHING) (ALL YELLING) Everybody outside! We'll do the rest of Christmas outside! Go, go, go!

He's a family guy

Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end. I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer. Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway.

Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

(LAUGHING) Breath mint.

You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

Shut up, Meg.

53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch.

I bought these gifts for you They're up in my bum And everyone's favorite... La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Now you're breaking my heart. Jerome, wait. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm sorry, Lois. I think it would be better if I left. Peter, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble. I won't be bothering you again.

We're calling to say Merry Christmas. Peter's lowest what? We were just calling to... Are you there, dear? I hope you got our card. We had quite a cold snap here. Okay, nobody talk, we'll just wait for her to talk. Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear?

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women.

And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it. (SIGHING) All right. Genital warts.

Hey, buddy. Close the door!

Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it, and I got lucky. But someone else could hurt themselves, and a small cut is a death sentence in these times, so let's just, you know, let's... Let's get these rocks out of here.

This is Peter. You know what to do. Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons?

That means you'll play the organ. It also means that this family is gonna start going to church again on Sundays. Being there today reminded me of how important religious services are to the moral fiber of a family. And lately this family has been lacking moral fiber. Especially you, Meg. Meg! What happened to you?

All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.

Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore. Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes.

This is horse shit! And that's the last question.

Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES) In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles.

What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What? Oh, come on, You look like Charlie Brown. Bite me, Snoopy.

It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels, 'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

I say, what are we looking for? I don't know, some proof of Mayor West's corruption. Whoa, whoa, what--what the hell are you guys doing here? I'm sorry. We happen to be here to solve a case. Uh, we were here first. Well, you know, this is a free country, dude, and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business. I just happened to be there with my video camera when a ninja shows up! And then a Nazi came! And then an evil pots-and-pans robot! (IN MECHANICAL VOICE) Destroy. Destroy.

(SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Boy, eight months on patrol and nothing.

Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey!

I'm gonna go. oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava.

Pope! All right, ok. God! Pope, the floor is not a hamper! Man! Good. Now it's time to go on the balcony and address the people. Ahh!

Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden. What are you getting all bent out of shape about? Well, you know, Karl, i--I didn't get... I got virtually nothin' here, you know? Look, I don't see what the problem is. No, you wouldn't, would you? L-Look, all I'm saying is, I got the raw end of the deal. You invited me over. Yeah, well, now I'm regretting it.

(SINGING) (COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING)

but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty. Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your-- Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little-- Ahh! Oh, God!

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters.

Still, it's pretty amazing. Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Some brother just fell in the ocean. Oh, God! I remember that. And all those seals died. It was-- It was all over the news. The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather.

What are we doing here? Listen, I know you're upset about losing your money. So I wanted to show you it's not so bad living like a regular guy. So these people live here? No, this is a bus.

Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot!

Quick, in here.

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper?

He's dead. I forgot my purse.

Settling in, loving my wife But then I got that letter My black son, my black son Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did

"Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, "but when you walk into a bank, "all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'"

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though.

You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible!

Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

"the only negro in the state of Wisconsin." Amen.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe.

"This Thursday, auditions for "the Quahog School of Performing Arts upcoming semester."

Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak. Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story.

Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh?

are...

There's nothing these Kids learn in school they can't learn on the street. It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie? Well, You tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive? Depends if he stops to see his ho. That's what we call a variable!

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group,

Peter, I'm 43.

Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it.

Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck?

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome!

There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together. Yes, she's a fine vessel.

Hey, Thanks for bringing me here, Cleveland. Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement. Ahem. Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors. - Amen! - Right on! Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could.

Oh, thanks, Damone.

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now. I don't believe we've met yet. I'm Carter. Uh, I'm Chris. CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this! Hey, anytime you can celebrate the end of someone's periods.

You know, you look really weird from the side. Well, that's something we didn't really think out too well when we started.

So exhausting having to do that open-mouth smile while the guest does their bit. We're here with The Good Wife's Christine Baranski. So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, is that right? Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill. Ah! But my character on The Good Wife is such a complete departure from Maryann.

We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!"

You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding. You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her. Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?

Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy!

The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power. I answer to the power of Jesus Christ. Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here. I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing. Boy, wouldn't it be great if life were like this?

Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids. Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material!

Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on!

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

(LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you?

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y. Wow, Mom. Were you a Miss Teen Rhode Island? I sure was, Meg, when I was 16 years old. In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract.

Spread your tiny wings and fly away And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day The one I love forever is untrue And if I could, you know that I would fly away with you

Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?

You sick whore.

Who the hell is this?

WOMAN ON PA: Three minutes to minimum safe distance. Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can just up and run away, you crazy. I like to eat people from other planets. Especially y'all. I likes to eat you with my little mouth, too. Now, y'all get back up inside me, little mouth.

PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

- On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin.

We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds. What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

She got her arm shot off in VietnaM.

Oh, God! That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane. Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum.

I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please? What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.

I mean, I don't think so. Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie's fat, too. Because we wear the same size onesie.

- That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

I love you, too. I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity. Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll? Well, I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound. My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.

Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!

Holy crap. Evel Knievel gloves. I bet I could do a wheelie with these. How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours.

Excellent. As soon as I release this biological toxin... into the world's water supply, I will rule the world. I'll call it "Lou Gehrig's Disease." I just have to remember to make sure this cap is screwed on tight. Well, I guess the joke's on me.

And it smells a lot better than I

Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out.

And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh! ahhh!

Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.

Hiya, kids, it's Peter Griffin's champagne dance party. And, oh, we got a hot one today. (ALL SINGING)

Hey, Stewie, you up?

All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me.

I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar? Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song.

Mom, check it out! I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired. Oh, shut up, you bastard! Chris, we should have a talk about Meg. She's really upset that she got fired.

Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

I must admit, there have been some moments that were, dare I say, fun. We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're having the time of our lives Take it, Dog!

He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman who came with her co-workers. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot!

Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor. Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day.

(GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry. No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

- (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity."

I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh!

Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything.

Who's with me? Well, I'm with you.

You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to. But the lucky one was me.

Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me.

Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on? Yes. You're right, Brian. There is. Meg seems to think she's taking some kind of stand here, that's gonna make us all feel like we're inadequate. My God, you're condescending.

That's Rich Little. You're Rich Little! He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock.

You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant... just to sit around and do whatever you want.

Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you.

Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

we're gonna have to have an orgy. - Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.

Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from. PETER: It turned out the joke already had quite a history. Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason.

Yeah. What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh.

Heard what? Brian, don't! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Brian, don't you know about the bird? Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

All right, Simon, do your worst. I find it's easy if I make it into a little song. Red, green, blue, green, blue, blue Then you put in words I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

You... You cloned yourself? What, are you deaf? What... So he's an exact copy of you? Well, not exact. I have to remain superior, so I bred out some of the intelligence, made him sort of a simpleton, you know? I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him?

(BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

Now take your fucking pants off!

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

What? W-w-w--

No, I'm just kidding. She's dead.

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go, so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!"

Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys. Yeah. Boys. Yay, I helped. - Cheryl, wait. - Jillian. I'm sorry. I'll do anything, please! Meg? Yeah, this still happens sometimes.

I don't think they choose that. Oh, please, they choose that. (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room.

ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

Yeah. I've never even seen Who's the Boss? Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00, and home by 11:00. Oh! But I can't do it without you guys, because I'll tell you who's the boss. It's not Tony or Angela. It's not even man-crazy Mona. It's all of us.

(THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING) (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING) I can almost hear the stillness As it yields to the sound of your heart beating Bum, bum, bum

A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

I got you a little something, you know, for the show. It's Italian. Do you like it? Oh, It's exquisite. It's not for every day. Clearly. I'm gonna put it on right now. I know how hard you've been working. And the whole family appreciates it.

That should be me everyone's talking about! Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger?

Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper. A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that...

Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch.

I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"?

So, do you want to talk,

Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

I think I can explain it to you, Peter. This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar.

What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

Oh, And she has gotten fat!

This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake. I'm not "The King." I'm not "I," I'm not anybody. So, what? I had sex with you for nothing? No, Peter, I...

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.

NudisT!

gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity!

Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

First of all, when I was over at your house the other day,

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Oh, your ears. Your ears are like dog ears. Oh, this couch. Stewie, your head is so smooth.

Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

(ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK PLAYING)

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision. Please rise.

Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson. Once a man at his physical peak brought down by a cruel twist of fate. Why? With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie.

Doin' someone that you used to do

First I took an art class. Am I... Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music. Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

Hey, you know what? Listen, Zapped sucks. Why don't we go see Krull? Peter, you know I'm dying to see Zapped. I would much prefer Krull. Well, maybe you should just go by yourself. Well, maybe I will. Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?

It gets better after the first... (SNIFFING) What smells like head? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston. Not everyone.

Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!

aSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What the hell happened? Where is everybody? You don't suppose... You think we're the only people on Earth? I don't know. I tell ya what.

Brian. What? Are you serious? I feel like I didn't get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose? All right. But I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow-kite.

The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters,

That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding.

Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.

All right, now let's get this diaper back on you.

Maybe I should go in. He's so upset.

Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears....

Mr. Pewterschmidt!

All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian. I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right? Shh. Shh. It's okay.

I wonder what the guys are up to? oh, That's nasty.

At this point, you guys are being as irresponsible as I am! (GONNA FLY NOW PLAYING)

Is that the topless place in South Attleboro? I spat on a chick there at a work retreat. Peter, just stop talking. What? We've been places. They ain't so great. Well, this year is perhaps our biggest trip ever.

Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be

These are mine! So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal.

We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money.

Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

Okay. 401-555-1125.

Here, go ahead, do what you just did, but with me. Ow! Oh, my God! (BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Call somebody! Oh! We need one of those boards they use for football players! (GRUNTS) Hey, what's going on? Nothing. I just figured out why cats are better than babies.

(BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want? I just want to talk to you about everything that happened. Um...

Jackasses. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. Congratulations.

Did you know he knew 19 guys who died on 9/11? I mean, what are the odds? Peter, I think you joined a terrorist sleeper cell. What? That's crazy.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I'm not your father.

it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please. We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth. And I've got a pretty good idea who you've been selling it to as well. Oh, hey, uh, Beaker, when you're done talking to your friend, I want to, uh... (GRUNTS) I want to talk to you about that thing.

Okay, Stewie, let's get that little face washed off. Then you can play with your bath toys, huh? STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that?

Ah, You damn kids with your music.

All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess!

So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me. Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts.

- Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do.

You have to help me get tickets!

Hey. I fucked your dad.

Sunshine Bear. Wait! (TRUCK HORN HONKING) (GASPING)

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.

(WHIRRING) (MECHANICAL HOOTING) I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying. Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin. I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.

Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Lois, Peter's show is on the local public access channel. Anyone can have one. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

(SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one. Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel. Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? Yeah. Welcome to hell.

To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus.

Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit! The only thing I've held you back from is failure!

(HUMMING) So where you from? Newburyport. What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe.

Hey, you know, if we're all gonna be tryin' to figure this out together,

Are you hitting on my girlfriend? No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

Hey, I was violated sexually, and that man is going to pay. And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer. STEWIE: Lois? (SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois?

Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom. it sure has, diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, "go back where you came from." Uh, I don't think that's the expression. Yeah. I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway... Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching.

And a Griffin never knows when to stoP. CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.

...on TBS.

This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn?

Look, I'm gonna call Mahmoud right now on this cell phone he gave me. He'll tell you. (BEEPING) (DISTANT EXPLOSION) Damn phone's busted. Maybe I dialed wrong. (BEEPING) (EXPLOSION) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Peter, please stop trying to call Mahmoud. This is very serious. Your friends are terrorists. Think about it.

Use a condom.

7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady.

Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. What? It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class.

Hey, you guys.

No! Sock Lois doesn't feel authentic to me anymore.

Okay, I just want to be sure you don't get a cramp. Yay! Poor people water fun! Hey, Chris. Uh, can I ask you a question? Sure, what's up? Um, remember that "free hug" coupon you gave me for my ninth birthday - that I never used? Yeah. Well, I'd like to use it.

(LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it! I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING)

you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Fucking idiot.

Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me.

I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

And all the juice is being collected underneath? Yes, and whoever collects the most is gonna win a free weekend here at the chateau with international foods and wine tastings. Stop! (STEWIE EXCLAIMS) (THUDS) (STEWIE SCREAMING)

What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast Animals, Slow Children. Come on, guys. Wait up. oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs. Dad, we can't leave now.

(THINKING) Ah! This is great. I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it. Predator Versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen. Where's a pen? Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar idea like that. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the...

Anyone.

You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God!

Hey, Paw, you're late.

She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly Screw off. "M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick.

Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault. Yeah, besides, Peter, those companies have huge legal divisions. You can't fight that. I'll find a way, with the help of my snarky cat lawyer, Meowsy McDermott. You've gotta be kitten me!

Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying. But you can't force the spark back into our marriage. Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

Kimble was a hands-on director who frequently appeared in his own shows, most recently, Miss Saigon. a la la la la, Miss Saigon La la la la la, Miss Saigon Yes, I just heard. It's so sad.

MALE REPORTER: And now back to The Sound of Music. (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Oh, thank heaven. The von Trapp family escaped! Reverend Mother, I have sinned. What is this sin, my child?

Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this?

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night Hi, Peter. I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight. Peter and I are going to see Zapped.

What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes! We sold out!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Germany's favorite talk show, Das Ist Gut. Dad, what is this show? I don't know. It's just a German guy listing items and then declaring them good. ANNOUNCER: Willkommen! Where are we? AUDIENCE: Das! Ist! Gut! Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja.

(LAUGHING) Cereals do change.

Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund. I love it, but I feel like it was too much. Cute, right? It's Thom Browne. It was over $3,000. You spent $3,000 on a sweater? What's it to you? That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money?

No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards?

Oh, Reginald! I disagree!

Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. What the deucE? For less than the ticket price of one of my movies about capital punishment or neo-feminism, you can make sure that Stewie never goes hungry again.

(GONNA FLY NOW PLAYING) Gonna fly now

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter. That ought to slow them down.

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Um. Yeah. So, what are you doing here? I'm picking up my friend Peter. Are you picking up a boyfriend? No, actually. I got arrested for protesting the Walmart opening. Oh, yeah. I went to the first part of that, but then some fireworks went off and I ran for two miles straight.

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately he was kind of a reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be.

and I had sex with your mother last night.

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

You'll be right after Ron Howard!

Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?

Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter.

Does that mean nothing to you? Of course it does. It means everything to me. Oh, God! What have I donE? I'm not marrying you! I'm not marrying you, you spoiled guinea... Whoops. My daughter, what is the problem you are having on this, the day of my daughter's wedding? Larry wants to whack someone on our honeymoon!

Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there. Not the best way to spend a Thursday night, huh? (SIGHS) You can say that again. I was hoping to be at this Democratic Party fundraiser. Oh, God, is that tonight? Ah...

If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

Oh, right. Oh, come on, Chevy. You should have known what he was talking about. All I have to do is bypass the primary navigational- guidance circuits, deprogram the hardwired safety overrides, and reconfigure the motherboard so that the missile's primary central-processing unit tells itself to eject its own warhead while still safely above the Earth's atmosphere.

"...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf. "But he didn't listen to them 'cause he's his own man. "And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous "turn out to be the most fun."

That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories.

I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning.

What was that, like, 30 years ago?

Peter, the horse is here. Oh! Yeah.

Can you perform miracles? Sure. How about this? Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Would you ever have one? Never!

Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck.

I have no excuse. I just have this horrible, overwhelming desire to point out faults in you. I don't know where it comes from. Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a bad parent. I'm just, I'm so disgusted with my behavior. And I'm so sorry, Meg. Yeah, you're a bitch.

Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say. Jefferson High is our rival. Sure, sex is fun, but you can't have it before you're married. Even if you use a condom.

not quite to the mooring mast! Oh, the humanity! And all the passengers screaming around here! And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said, "Oh, the humanity" before, but seriously, "Oh, the humanity" even more right now!

Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard.

feet My fat baby loves to eat

Maybe We should cut down on your sweets.

Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody? Chris, what the hell? I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up! I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party.

Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going.

famed Asian competitive eating champion, Charles Yamamoto. Yamamoto has not yet lost a hot dog eating competition on his world tour. But if you think you have what it takes to beat the best eater in the world, come down to the James Woods High parking lot this Saturday with $50 and a large appetite. We should probably note that that is not a photo of Charles Yamamoto.

I don't know, but this late, it's got to be bad news. Everyone knows you always get bad news in the middle of the night. Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What? - You have cancer! - What? Yeah. I thought you should know. Okay, go back to sleep. Wait, I have questions. (SIGHS) It's very late.

Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darth Twitty. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - (THE GAMES THAT DADDIES PLAY - PLAYING) He put his arms around her shoulder And with a voice that sounded older

Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just...

I just think it's presumptuous. I mean, come on, "The country's best yogurt"? You know, prove it. Show me your data. MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

Dancing in the street

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

Hmm...

He's just a baby.

What the hell's going on?

Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this? That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

I know you just can't wait to stare at all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra-boomin', all-consumin'

Ha! Slut!

You wrote back, "Looks fine" and you just added that part about Grape Ape. "P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. "The end." (SIGHS) Wow. I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING)

Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum."

I've got an objection, and so does this man. James Woods! undefinedOh, my God. " don't believe it. Hi. How are you? Hello, everyone. He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing? Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time.

Ah, Come on. Rules were made to be broken.

Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those! Hey--hey! Ow! Knock it off! H-hey! Get away from me, you dead crooner!

(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois.

MAN: Sorry. PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy! (WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs. Oh, good, a baby. Oh, no, it's a girl. And I hate girls.

Wouldn't dream of it. Too kind, really, I insist. Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time. Join us same time tomorrow, if it's not entirely inconvenient for you. If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance. This has all been an imposition. I'm so dreadfully sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! All right, kids, enough telly.

Meg! Oh, my God, Meg, you're okay!

like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

I guess I've just got to let him go. Wow, that's very grown-up of you, Stewie. Hey, dog, let's go. My dad won you fair and square. You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something? Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab.

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you.

Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could. This tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie Treats. I share them with all of you in the hopes that one day your wounds may be healed as well. Amen. Right on. Hey, Why is he taking one? Oh, This is my friend, Peter Griffin.

Peter, Creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

So if you don't want to run with the wild horses, then go back to the barn and go to bed. But, Lois... (TIRES SCREECH) Stupid place still doesn't have my dry cleaning. That's not a dry cleaners. It's a dance club.

That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick.

Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around.

Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out.

- All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens?

and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore.

Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING)

- Ruined. - Ru-ined.

God in heaven. You are right. I am deeply ashamed. I only wanted to protect you. I know you did, Father. PETER: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! (SIGHS) Son, it is your life to live. I must accept the life you choose.

Mambo! (PANTING)

undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa!

Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

Lois, Stewie's making noise. As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel. Hey, hey, look, Stewie, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement. (IN CHILDISH VOICE) "Hey, hey, Stewie, "I'm gonna go play down in the basement. "Here I go." (HUMMING) What? Why, Rupert? Why do you want to play in the basement? "I don't know, I just feel like there might be some fun stuff down there." I'm not following your logic. And why are you talking different than usual?

...Tank Top Gay Face... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Zachary... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Zach Chadwick... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Chadinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...C. Zachary Chad... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...and a live performance by Starburst, featuring N.Y.T.F.H.$. Plus we tally your text votes for the Biggest Whiff! and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

Right, and When that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns, how--how would our forefathers have settled their differences? 8, 9, 10, and turn!

There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

Jeez, Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.

I can also vomit, fall down, and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk. Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do. Practicing? What for? The competition. You're gonna be my first champion. Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.

Face.

Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Giggity! Platinum-plated silverware Just one day when kids don't stare It's all I really want for Christmas this year!

Ow! STORMTROOPER: Freeze!

Oh, Cool. Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Well, Daddy, you didn't want Peter in your boat... so team Griffin is gonna give you a run for your money. ANNOUNCER: Andnow, to fire the starting gun... is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men.

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.

Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck. Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape. I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed.

I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy. I don't think he's ever done anything as laughable as this book. Look, all right, well... What do you want? I wrote it in a day. (AUDIENCE GASPING) Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours. I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me. I was just trying to write something that would sell.

No. I'm Dean Koontz. Oh. ugh! Ugh! But, uh, you know, thanks to these sessions, i--i--I think I'm ok. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents!

I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire? Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up, just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we?

It's a sprained anklE.

I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real! Okay, Peter, Lois did great. You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again. Big chair. No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair.

You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out?

I got a feeling That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night I'm afraid I have some terrible news. (GASPS) I have dinner reservations and no one to go with. Tonight's the night

Son of a bitch!

Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite.

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me.

Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) We're no strangers to love

We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company

God, she's more stubborn than you are! Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set. No! But you've gone for two turns! Get lost! It looks like fun and I want to do it! No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump off! (SCREAMING) - Get Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him!

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast.

That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway.

I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.

Well, this is no better.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. You know what, everyone? Forget it. Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. But after all this, Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 'cause right now I wish I was dead. If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault.

Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous!

If they do, then we're winners If they don't Then we put them in the designated pile for tickets we already checked This is taking forever That's why Brian is yawning And Stewie's rubbing his eyes The montage is almost over

Propane.

JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class!

I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

How you coming on that novel you're working on, huh? Got a big stack of papers there? Got a nice little story you working on there? The big novel you've been working on for three years, huh? Got a compelling protagonist? Got an obstacle for him to overcome?

freakin' sweeT

(ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

To the poison you just drank. See what I mean?

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here?

(GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

The world's population kept growing and growing.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Giggity Let's have sex Let us forever remember this beautiful young woman, taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born.

Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. (THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING)

Jeez, that's more of a rip-off than that breakfast machine I bought.

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race

They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was. Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

but as I recall, you were more interested in partying with your friends. Then Glenn came along and stole my heart. When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever. Hey, Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert, too! Oh!

Shut up, Dad.

- $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash.

Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea? Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner. Ok, let's go over the commands. Uh, Sit.

Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin! Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on T.V.?

Or like 2 college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown we're Rhode Island bound

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy!

Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year. You know what? No. That's it.

Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth.

PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad. I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself.

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

(GUN FIRES) (WOMAN SCREAMS) Bonnie? Bonnie, are you there? What happened? STEWIE: Let's go!

Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this.

No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this.

Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs, "Part Four: Yield." MAN: Before they had the sign, people just run into each other. I don't know, maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I am completely lost.

Oh, Wow. Imagine, me, president.

All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone. Really?

Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, You set out to make him feel better, now he's worse than ever. Yeah, I don't know, Lois. He--He's probably over there waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit. I think those days are over now, Peter.

Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(CHRIS FARTING)

All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it! Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables! Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!" I don't know any more vegetables.

I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey.

PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

(MIMICS LOIS) Oh, don't worry, Peter,

You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. Carol, how are you? Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things, in a horrific war, that only one other person here could possibly come close to understanding. Ida.

Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME.

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?

(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

- Come on, Stewie. Let's go. - Yes, yes. I'm just checking the mail. " say, here's one from the vet. Give me that. Good lord, worms? You have worms? I don't have worms, all right? I just got checked for worms. Oh, wait. No, I do have worms. Oh, God. What am I gonna do? I can't afford the medication for this. - Well, you could ask Lois and the fat one. - No. No. No.

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie.

(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about.

See, Lois? I told you we had allies.

But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's fly. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place.

Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.

we have to get more money in the pockets... But Republicans are saying this increase is gonna, in fact, put more people out of work and make it harder for American employers to compete in the global marketplace. Wouldn't it? Would... Senator, wouldn't it... Senator, would... Would... Chris, if I... Senator, let me finish. My forehead, my rules. Let's go to Los Angeles. Big actor,

Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this?

Cool. I'll call you later.

No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it. Ahh! Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake.

Do any of you know billionaire Bruce Wayne? No. None of us do. And he wouldn't want to lend us money anyway. I hear. Hey, hey, hey! What's up, Ginas... Vaginas?

To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space...

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!

The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase,

I'm gonna say no. Great. Then please check here and initial there. Uh, next, do you think this is some kind of game? Um, no. Okay, initial, please. And finally, my date of birth. Was it yesterday?

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch?

Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh!

We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead. MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1. Weenie and the Butt.

Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one. Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap!

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing. I've never seen a guy your size who could move like that. How would you like to play for the New England Patriots? PETER: I'd love to. Say, listen, Tom, could you get me a towel? I threw up on the floor.

How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!

I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of Hot dogs

There'll be blood gushing from you every time that you cough

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around... Whoa, whoa, big guy. You're probably never even gonna see him again.

Oh, God. I hope there's not one of those angry, handicapped Vietnam guys with the bandana on his head. Oh, there he is. I've seen some things, man, and some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it.

I'm a victim of the liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus. Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year, and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again? Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Taking it off here, Boss. Take it off there, Luke. Wiping it off, here, Boss. Wipe it off, 9. Waving at the Pope here, Boss. Wave at the Pope there, Luke.

Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh! But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this.

Ooh, a drunk news report from Tom Tucker. We haven't had one of those since they canceled Passions. This should be good. Okay, our top story tonight, a local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion, in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors.

Oh, my God. There's fish everywhere. Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef. Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich.

Okay, Brian, watch. Here comes my big part. Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here?

Can't you just sniff cancer? No, that's just a myth we started so we could stick our snouts in girls' boobs. (SIGHS) It's nice to have a clean bill of health. Well, for now. The key is weekly follow-ups. You know, cervical cancer is also a problem. My boyfriend thinks he might have prostate cancer. Nope, doesn't.

Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this. You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.

Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse. Which is where your mother-- Don't say it! Your mother smells. seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass. You're trying too hard, death.

(PETER SCREAMING)

I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily.

Relax, Stewie. He said it looks benign. We'll just have to wait and see.

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

(IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here. (CLICKS) What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary.

Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long,

Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this.

Let's watch it one more time in super slow-mo!

(CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant,

Oh, come on, Lois. He's so cute and he's hungry. What could happen? Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!

Can you believe it? Wish It. Want It. Do It. got three stars.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes.

Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her. Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance.

No, no, no. What are you doing? How long you been there? Those names is no good. Look, why don't y'all just give me a list, I'll run 'em up to God, and see if he picks one. No. No. That's the name of a champagne. No. No. Terrible. These are all just terrible!

We got Peterson on the violin And Quagmire and Joe will be joining in We got stumpy Seamus on the lead guitar And he's gonna give you a great big... (GRUNTING) Break! (CROWD APPLAUDING) Oh, God, they put so much work into theirs!

so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker! But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand.

Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again.

Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har. Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole.

If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny. System off. Splendid. Aah!

Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today.

Carolyn, it's been so nice getting to know you. Yeah, Cleveland, she's way more fun than that wife you used to have. What was her name? Weezy or Florida or something? - Jennifer Hudson? - Loretta. Well, you're doing a lot better now, Cleveland.

Hey, who wants a Fenway frank? Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy," like a Fenway frank. Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore. In a public restroom, lad? For the good of your soul, show some restraint. Hey, Hey, hot-dog guy! I'll get him. Oh, no, Dad, they bring them to you.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language.

Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore!

And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal.

That happened, and we all let it happen.

Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House?

Hey, Brian, I can't wait to meet your family. Yeah, me, too. They're pretty great. Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything.

Brian. Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING) - Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that?

If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure. (STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.

Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on. At hurts! Good. All right. We good to go? Yup. All right, how's my man-tan? There we go. All set. Good. A little body glitter for you.

(MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party.

The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.

Hi, Dad.

Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet!

(JILLIAN AND BRIAN CHUCKLING) BRIAN: You like that? Yeah, it's rad. BRIAN: Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom.

It's K.I.S.S. Saves Santa. Hang on, Santa. We're coming. Hurry, boys. The eggs are hatching! What do we do? Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar! It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no!

PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you!

Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet?

And, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green. And We're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you! Aw, jEEz. Mine doesn't look anything like his.

Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once.

A rose for the gentleman? What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes!

Why wouldn't you look at me during? (SOBBING)

(TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.

but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"... and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter. All right. All right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster." That's the spirit. - You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

This is nice. This is very nice, the time that we're spending together right now. Easy, Joe.

and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!

Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over!

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese.

There's no time, Lois. I got to go warn Quagmire while I got the chance. Quick, to the Peter copter! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter!

- Hey, how's it going? - Good. Those are huge. Those are huge boobs. And you know what's nice? That you don't have that blue vein up there that some of the bigger ones get. What? I said you don't have that.

Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

Sure, Lois, I mean, look at Elroy Jetson. He was a child actor and he turned out just fine. Do you know who I am? I'm Elroy Jetson! Yeah, yeah, Come back when you have some money. Take him home, bamm-Bamm. Bamm-Bamm! bamm! I don't want to go home! Take me to Astro's grave!

Oh. (SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.

- What is this, Lois? - It's jambalaya. It's a new recipe. (GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin.

Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors.

(ALARM RINGING) A-ha! Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here.

Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God! Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well.

(GUNS FIRING) We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire. I pull back the sheet, and who is it?

No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room.

Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out.

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

(SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs.

At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream. What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy?

Robert Baker.

NARRATOR: The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit. Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead. And he must let the world think that he is dead,

Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you. I will never be attracted to you! You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch!

Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler,

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!

You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out. Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay!

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What?

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a lot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined.

Welcome to Battlestar Galactica Forum.

You're going to jail, punk!

Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her-- Graham cracker. Graham cracker, yes, yes. That's--That's it. Um, All right, so, uh,

You're a phony!

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now? I don't want to wait

Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW PLAYING)

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave.

I don't care. I don't care. Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep. 'Cause you're gross. And even if they are, so what? Who are you saving yourself for? Hey, look, I got to go. I don't know if we're coming to Thanksgiving. Because I don't know! She's staying in there. I know.

And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

(MORNING PLAYING) My word, what a gorgeous way to wake up. I hope you don't mind. I checked the time your alarm was set for, and I shut it off. I figured this might be a more gentle way to start off the day.

ANNOUNCER: One's a baby, and the other's black, f think.

Yeah. I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway... Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching. Ha, I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning. Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from--

I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right.

Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh! (GASPS)

I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!

Ok.

Ok. What are you doing? I'm driving. Duh.

Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat! Forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.

What the hell is he talking about?

My hat! Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)

Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.

It's about damn time! No words... sh-Should have sent a poet.

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa,

But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan." Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it! I love it! You have the faculty's full support.

And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip. There ain't nothing funny about four pictures of the Capitol Building and all that writing. What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois. Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about.

You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

Coming to A.B.C., the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this?

You made my mom cry tonight, Doug. I don't think you're a very good friend. I am not gonna listen to you anymore. Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty. And I just might reach into your brain and do this. Okay, I'll listen.

Uh, sure. (STAMMERS) Are they driving themselves? If you're asking if they can see, yes. And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel?

For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes! I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume. Ready.

MAN: Hey, kids of America. It's hand-painted wooden ball in a cup. Who needs constant electronic video stimulation when there's ball in a cup? Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years. Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again.

- I'm not gonna change you. - What? I said, I'm not going to change you. You can't be serious. Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't, I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast, I just did! Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger! (Chris) What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople?

There. Made lots of room. Hey, waiter. That--That sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, That's only for the staff, right? Uh, Technically, yes. That's what I thought. Great. Oh, man! These all look good, every one of 'em. Hey, You want some bread? No! Peter, is that you? Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me!

But where are those good old-fashioned values

I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

From Katrina? Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Road House. Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House.

A plum? What is this, 1986?

But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan.

Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete, like white track stars. On your marks. Get set. White guys, go! I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif Bar before we started. Everybody else! (GASPS) I thought they were coming after us.

uh, I do not sound like that! Oh, This is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter! Meg! Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home. Oh, Sweetie. It's good to have you back.

Like Joan of Arc. Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn. Isn't that cool? No. I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like. My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty. Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76.

What's wrong with the TV? Nothing, Chris. All the shows are in widescreen now, so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.

You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING) Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.

Well, it sure would suck if you guys died without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler, who was Adolf's favorite brother. Hey, there you are. Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden? Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes.

Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah. You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get them into my body somehow.

Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo." Peter, those are Cheerios.

No. No. You fat keep you warm.

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers. - That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

My birthmark makes it kind of tough. Always caused me problems at my old job. And that'll do it for us here at Channel 12 News. Make sure you turn those clocks ahead. Good night, St. Louis. Yeah, I don't know, I was never that crazy about the moustache. Well, I suppose I could lose it and just use more makeup. Yeah, that'd be cool.

It's catching the perfect wave! It's obeying all the rules! No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!

Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points. But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily?

Propane.

Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

(LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)

I'm a Methodist. We believe that the Lord is our Savior, and we remember Him by going to church and praising Him every Sunday. I'm a Seventh-day Adventist. We believe all the same things that you believe, but we go to church on Saturdays. What? (LAUGHING CRAZILY) (BABBLING)

There's a dog turd in here. Oh--oh, Lois. What? Jump! No, wait! I'll deal with them myself. (LOIS) We're on top of the monument. Holy crap!

Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain. Tom, residents all over Quahog have been affected by the heavy rains, although some are doing their best to ride it out. For example, I'm here with Rides-a-Ten-Speed-Everywhere Guy.

It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case.

Hey, Peter, you ready to go to The Clam? Oh. Who's the hot chick? Oh, that's Stella. You don't have to whisper, she's deaf. Really? Oh, my God, that's hot. I didn't know you had a thing for deaf chicks. Any kind of disabled chick, Peter. They can do things to you that regular chicks don't even think of.

Cool. I'll call you later.

Kill me!

A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING) Q, R, S, T, U, V Standing here with these kids W, X, Y and Z Waiting for the song to end

(GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything!

And the rest, well... You did all the rest for me. You turned on Tom exactly as I planned. So there it is, Lois. My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body?

All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already? Yup, come on. (GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career. Well, I hope you got your fill, Peter. Death, that was totally worth it.

You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious.

I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix. If people don't show up, then we're it.

All right, everyone, we're going to take a 10-minute recess.

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow!

He's Quagmire, Quagmire

PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows.

What the hell is this? It's a boy! Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too.

(WOMAN SINGING)

Well, regardless, on the way back, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed. Peter, that was the University of Florida.

The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy,

This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects.

(GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING)

"Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. "You must go to him. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, "truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good!

But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys! You're no match for the '90s black guys!

Honey, you awake? Morning, sweetie. (SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed?

I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey I just want some colored Easter eggs

Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Yeah, but first you usually go over there and pull down that blonde waitress' top. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (SLAP) She screamed, so I had to slap her.

I have an announcement to make. No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat.

You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri? You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back.

the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law. My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here. Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim.

Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. (EXCLAIMS) It's not really my cup of tea. Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid.

Brian, I don't have much time. God, I never should have made you leave the house! This is all my fault! Shh. Shh. Shh. Don't be so hard on yourself. Aside from the truck part, this was the best day of my life. I only wish we could have a little more time together. We can.

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.

Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word

you're being a total jerk to your family.

Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch. Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please? Dad, what the hell?

This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do!

Where the hell are they taking us? I don't know, but I got a bad feeling. (BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

but instead, you did what you thought was right. I haven't thought about that family in years. I think about them all the time. And the example you set for me that day. It's the very reason I left Iraq. It sucks how early I have to work. (SIGHS) Well, Kevin, I still can't say that I agree with your choice.

"Neither is your mother's ass."

"Dear MacGuyver. "Enclosed is a rubber band, "a paper clip, and a drinking straw. "Please save my dog." Aah!

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster,

Or at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie, this is Jeremy.

(LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING)

Freak. So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

Oh, yeah. Get me Isaac Hayes. Isaac, you know that new sound you been looking for? Well, listen to this!

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison.

Ahh, romance. Speaking of which, we ain't boofed in a whole week. Yeah, but what about the kids? Ah, they're back at school. Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was. This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this.

Boing!

Yeah. Can I have this third thing down, please? Ah, very good, sir. And for you? (SPEAKING FRENCH) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Excellent. (SPEAKING FRENCH) Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there. He also speaks Orange.

You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get them into my body somehow. (SCATTING) NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now back to the Fox News report with Rhonda Latimer.

Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.

Donny Most Now he rises From the haze Actually, it's Don Most now. Donny Most

MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Well... Well, I hate you, too!

But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs?

Malcolm, Dad drove the car over your science project. Oh, brother. How am I gonna survive junior high school with this screwed-up family? And me, in the middle of it all. A bunch of brothers living together? What a way to run a railroad.

Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good. Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely. Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING)

Mom, she's so sad and lonely. Look who the fuck's talking.

There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What?

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying.

It's a fake. It's not real.

(CRYING)

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's.

Exactly. Can I-- Can I touch your hair? I-I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna touch it. It's like a sheep!

The Washington Monument.

What do we do now? What the hell do we do now? We pray. Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head. - Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes.

Morning, Opie. Hey, what's going on? You going somewhere? (BABBLING) You got fired? Why? (BABBLING) Oh, well, it's no wonder they finally caught you doing that in here. I mean, the underside of your desk looks like Carlsbad Caverns. (BABBLING) Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella.

This is weirder than that rap video by M.C. Escher. Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this.

All right, well, thanks again, Peter. I got to head out. I told my mother I'd visit her in the hospital. Yeah, and I got to work. I'm flying a leg to Minneapolis tonight.

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family!

Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet?

Penelope, I can't let you do this.

holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da.

What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

And their vessel was swept to the bottom of the briny deep. Swallowed whole by the treacherous, unforgiving sea. They sank, I guess, would be the--the one thing to take away from this part of the seminar. When we come back, I'll show you how eye contact can make or break any business relationship.

Shoot.

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you...

Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

(SHOUTING) I'm here at the parking lot outside city hall, where hundreds of citizens have come out in protest of the Mayor's decision to spend the town's treasury on a gold frog. I don't like it. And I don't like the contraction apostrophe-E-M.

I want to wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois. Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific.

No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law. And there was that time I took a whiz in public. And that time I snuck into Wimbledon. Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray."

What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet. The Emmys are on tonight. Oh, God. Don't tell me you forgot about Meg's play tonight. But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. Plus, I went to her first grade play that one time. Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle.

It's called Creeping up on the Kardashians. See that guy with the ponytail in the background? He sneaks up and scares the girls while they're starting businesses or getting their fat waxed. (ALL SCREAM) What the hell? (CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family.

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit.

That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Well, here we are, Lois. Your first professional photo shoot. Karin, this is so exciting. Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going? I'm.... I'm hitting that.

so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert,

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.

9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

Ooh. Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. Oh, And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one? Don't forget this! Maybe you could hang it in your officE. Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it.

I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man. No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been?

You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once. Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.

- Some guys from Iraq? - No.

(STEWIE READING TITLE) (LOIS READING) STEWIE: Who is this book for? (LOIS READING)

Love lift us up where we belong where the eagles fly on A mountain high

Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about?

(LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control. Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right. Girls! Girls! Girls!

That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He-Man TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING)

I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party. I just smoked the wrong side ofa cigarette! Who wants to go swimming? This song is about me!

People can always sense a fraud. Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there's a Chinese among us. Rest assured, he will be found. Security is launching a full-scale investigation into the genealogy records of every single one of our employees. This man will be found, and there will be dire consequences. Too bad about that Chinese guy, huh?

You bitch!

The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.

Maybe I'm wet.

It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

go make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine. Oh, really? But I was enjoying our talk. Oh, no, I... So was I, but, you know, I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer!

I mean, I once found the Batcave. Look, you can't expect to hire 60 workers to dig a cave under your house, and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town.

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late.

(MEG FARTING)

What the hell is he doing?

The other one's for blood. (WHIMPERING) Cleveland's old house. Perfect! Damn, no toilet paper. - Hey, Joe, can I borrow this? - JOE: Sure.

In a moment, we will use the special lights to see just how filthy this seemingly clean hotel room really is. (ANIMALS CALLING)

(SCATTING) Cool!

This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois.

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that! Oh, This is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter!

We both valued our privacy, however, so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(CLANKING) I died! I died!

That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

There are no parachutes! All I could find was this! A raft? We're not sinking. We're crashing!

No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade.

You made muffins?

At this point, the dinosaur in the backseat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it. Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well. The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared.

Darn it. Fractions are so hard. What did you get for number four? She said don't share answers!

This is so cool! Hey, what are you wearing, so I make sure I don't wear the same thing? Um, you're not invited, Meg. What? But it's at my house. Uh, Connie, let me handle this. I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come. There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of. Hey, Chris, come on!

- It's gross! - It's your poop!

Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is on hand for the opening of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel. Diane, I am standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside. Fancy place. Boy, that'd make some second honeymoon, huh? The Park Barrington is already attracting some big names.

Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just...

This is no cave. What? How come I never get any lines in these things? PETER: Shut up, Meg.

This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part 4. (STAR WARS MAIN THEME PLAYING)

Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. Oh, there's the cute prom couple. Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon?

I was the human resources director for the Muppets. Mr. Beaker, it is my unfortunate task to inform you that your services will no longer be required by this company. (MEEPING) Well, if you must know, it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please.

Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere Gonna buy me a rainbow

Who the hell does he think he is? Come on. Come on. Go away!

This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch.

You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel!

ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch," text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113...

We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning!

This'll be much better than that vacation we took with The Price is Right yodeler. (YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson.

COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.

Sweep that up. Put it up in your room, but sweep it up first!

Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can.

Peter, stop scratching that thing. I can't. It's itching like crazy. Dad, can I scratch your beard? Have you finished your homework? Yes. Ok then.

Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do. I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside. And the rest, well...

- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

Uh, Sorry, Stewie. A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham. I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painleSS.

(PLAYING BAKER STREET SOLO)

(SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you.

and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home! Peter, What is the Pope doing here? Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy. You kidnapped the Pope? peter, This is the most reckless thing you've ever done! Come on, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?

He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the blonde who tells you loudly With a voice just like a knife "You know, someone should do a sitcom Based around my life"

We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what? Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking,

And the scarf Brian called "A gay waste"

Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend? (LAUGHING) He got you, Brian! (GROANS) Why didn't I think of this before?

Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces?

You guys want to go for a ride? Sure. Hell, yeah.

It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick!

You don't think I can catch you? My anklE!

You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am.

Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash.

I love you, Lois.

D-Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.

There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

Hey, your weekend sucks!

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

(CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay.

Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: You take the weight off of me Oh, honey, when I knock on your door... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) Oh, I give you my...

(PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911!

Now she knows how I felt when I was at her piano recital. No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.

No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death!

PETER: Ow!

Stop this travesty right now! So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage.

Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor. Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to? New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester. What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972.

What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately!

And here to assist me is Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you. I will never be attracted to you! You're acting like a psycho bitch.

Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger,

I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

I feel the need. The need for speed! The need for speed! And Scientology. No, just speed.

Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.

Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second. I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion.

And, Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows. Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great. You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about.

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society?

Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God.

Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh? Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinky prostitute.

I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice. We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture.

Rupert, I must bring her back to the present and raise her to be my wife. Oh, God, I bet that diaper is soaking wet. I can't let her get away! Oh, hi. Oh, hey, um, I just came to say, um,

- or you're finished. - Don't worry, I'll figure something out. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly. I got to take that. All right, so as you know, by this point in the story, Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food. - Well, guess what's for dinner! - No way.

and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh? Well, How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on. You'll be the stewardess, and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drillin' ya. ugh, Move! I have a lot of work to do. I can't. I'm stuck. Peter, the passengers need me. No, they ate. They're watching the movie. They're fine.

(SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up!

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh!

I don't think she'll notice because she's here humping you! Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible,

Anything beats what goes on at my house Friday nights. Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter. Come join us. Oh, okay! (SNAPPING)

Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry. You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli. It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Never mind.

Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama! Um... You know something, Brian? Yeah?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio hasn't worked here for four years. The hell with you. I'll use the other bathroom. MALE VOICE: Somebody's in here. Oh. Excuse me. Good morning? Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right.

PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it. This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake?

I forgot my purse.

after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge, tragically killing all the teenagers on board. Many of the students Tweeted about the accident as it was happening. We have a few here. From @Jenny94, "Water seriously cold, yo." Here's @TheTed69, "I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK."

(CLANGING) Rise and shine, everyone!

All right, let's go to the North Pole. And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole. Hey, you want to hear a real live-action fart instead of one of those fake, cartoony ones? (FARTS QUIETLY)

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man.

They spent their idle time cavorting, doing the Charleston, and enjoying America's prosperity following World War I, which, at that time, was called International Civil War II. But the golden years soon ended. Sadly, "Black-Eye" Griffin's voice just wasn't right for the talking pictures.

Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take. There's no sign of them anywhere. Meg? Chris? Brian?

I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot! (ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

He drank two bottles of dish soap.

Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening. How do I look, Brian? Uh, you sure do, Meg. FYI, the carpet matches the drapes in color and quantity. Ever seen a blacksmith's apron?

BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on.

TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

And when he woke up in the morning, she was still in his bed! (SCREAMS) - That's it? - Yeah. And then she wanted to make him eggs! (SCREAMS) And he said, "Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30." And she said, "I'll drive you there!"

I take picture of Ang Lee.

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety.

Ugh. Peter, can we just get out of here? I want to get this over with. This was part of the deal, Quagmire. I need this to be a lovely evening. Fine. How was work today? I don't want to talk about work. Hey, should we go someplace else for dessert? You know, someplace fun, downtown, where the college kids go? What? I'm not taking you to two different restaurants.

How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in."

Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

What are you talking about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this. Hey, Hey, everybody! Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it!

Yeah, and look at this. They even got some of that high-class British porn. Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.

A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Ugh, look at this. She's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover,

Okay, get ready for this. Hey, hey, hey, gang! Everybody line up for a "Triple H," a hug, a handshake or a high five, your call. Lois, hug, you got it. Stewie, hug, two in a row. Try for three, Chris? No, high five.

(CROWD CHEERING) Schpupel! (GROANING) Don't be sad, Peter. That's why they call it "schpupel."

Clear off the couch, kids. I'm gonna do your mother right here. But you guys might have to help stuff me in. Oh, my God, Peter! Oh, I'm leaving. I cannot get sick right now.

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

Ok. and Then I got on Suddenly Susan, And that was, like, really cool. And I still do standup. And people laugh and give me money, and that's also cool. Isn't this great catching up? Oh. Anyway, I was in college-- She's still talking. I don't get it. I poured it in her drink. His name was Steve Rock. It was really cool. He was the first black Guy I ever did it with. Oh, boy. But, pff, I went everywhere!

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds. Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman.

Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it.

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know.

Hey Thanks, "Watches You PeE."

You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie!

Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time. And so they sent me back to a brewery.

Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces... or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Maybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet,

And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either. (PETER EXCLAIMS) Anyone who wants a piece of O.J. has to get by me. No, Peter. This is my fight. And I'll be the one to fight it. Look at you all. Look what you're doing.

I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video?

Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

TOM: This major breaking news just in. Nine Southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States. The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11.

(SIGHING) I guess it's okay. These are passing flings, nothing to get upset about. Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night! What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

Gerald! (CHUCKLES) The secret is in the frosting, but I'll never tell. Well, here's another chance to open a restaurant. You're right. Ooh. And I'll make my special cupcakes. - No, Peter... - Oh, yeah, right. That was the problem.

I don't like change!

Oh, Ah, Hi, Bonnie. This is my friend Big Fat Paulie. And, uh, This is his big fat ass.

Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING) Wait a second. You're saying that everyone is asked to do jury duty?

Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes.

Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell!

What? My hair's in the pie, Brian.

oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right!

I just do data entry!

All right! Oh, no!

Good evening, everyone. (GASPS) James Woods! (SNARLS) Thank you for joining me at my humble manor. I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla. Nice to meet you all. Who's he? James Woods.

Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman. You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while.

Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie's fat, too.

Well, I don't care what you think.

What the... Derek and Jillian? Wow! Hi, Brian! Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger,

No, Luke, don't run downhill!

Don't look at us, you fucking pig.

If you need me, I'll be in space.

you're being a total jerk to your family. You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny.

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car! We have to go to that concert. We are going to that concert.

I tell you, fellows, if I don't find some fish out there soon, my family's gonna go hungry. If it's fish you wants, Pelican's Reef is where you'll find 'em. I've seen fish there. More fish than you could possibly imagine. Fish as far as the eye can see. Lots and lots of fish, i--i guess,

(CRYING)

(SCREAMING) Meg? Meg?

Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for the both of us. What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me! Good evening. Stevenson residence. Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin." Hi, Mom! Hi, Chris. Put your father on.

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well.

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring?

except contracting AIDS because AIDS had not yet been invented by the government in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community.

(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING) Mom, oh, my God, guess what!

Hey, everybody, check this out. This is wonderful. Look at this, Peter. "Two hundred die in train derailment." Oh, God, Lois. That is just morbidly obese.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh!

Thanks for the ride, Bandit. Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail. Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do. Where the hell are we? Oh, this is history right here, Brian. Gettysburg. Billy Yanks.

I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet! Gobbledy glue

Kind of a cheat sheet.

Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck! All right, this is ridiculous. I need some help here.

and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell. It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma. Come here, babupka. Let me put your fingers in my mouth.

Dad, how come you keep looking at the door? Oh, Meg. You and your drugs. Oh! I wonder who that could be.

Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness.

She's really upset that she got fired.

Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

Coming up, autism. Is it real or just another excuse for kids these days to forget their manners?

A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, just go to sleep, all right? PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word

Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon.

What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad. So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland?

I wouldn't count on it, Lois. (STILL PLAYING)

Here comes Joe and his cop buddies. You got tables for 30? Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe. I thought you were bringing your cop friends over. What are all these parallelograms doing here? You mean paraplegics. These are my friends, Peter. Come on, guys. Let's eat.

(LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right! (WOLF-WHISTLING) Money! Whoo-hoo! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy. All right. Call me when you blow all your money. Love you, bye. (CARTER HANGS UP) All right, so how are we going to spend our winnings? I'm going to get some supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous. I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'!

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard!

You all know what day it is? No. It's bath day.

COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories.

Well, I do have a very good virginity coach. No, no, no. Okay, I think I got it. How's this? (IMITATING) No, no, no. No, no, no.

Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff. Patrick? Patrick!

I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird. Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore.

Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time. And so they sent me back to a brewery. We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets,

(CROWD CHEERING) - She's getting beat! - No, she's getting mad. You ain't so tough, young man. That all you got, you son ofa bitch? You're going down, young man.

We're getting along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!

(GRUNTS) - What's your name? Derek. What's your name? (GRUNTS) Michael. You're Derek now!

Love her?

Hey, everybody, Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg.

MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR.

which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..." War, war, war! That last sentence was about war!

Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Dropped some pepperoni on there. You know what? That works. Sew it up.

Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido. What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity. Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?

No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight. - (ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME - PLAYING)

like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.

Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you.

Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. Why wouldn't you look at me during? (SOBBING)

Oh, God. That smells like the food foreign guys reheat at work. Oh, God. What is that smell? Did somebody light a box of Band-Aids on fire? (MICROWAVE DINGING) Would anyone like to try my gingbok?

You and I have a problem. Read it and weep.

Okay, okay. This time we really have to do it. - Okay, all right. You ready? Okay, okay. - Okay. - One, two. - One, two. You want me to kill myself and you're not going to. - You suck. You suck. - You suck.

Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away from me, or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe.

Hello, old friend.

One of four. Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it. Ice cream for Dylan tonight. Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes. I'm telling you, Joe, he's as annoying as mosquitoes in the summertime.

All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us. I'm going to show you that age is just a state of mind. Come on, hop in my limo. Wow, a limo! Shotgun! (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready.

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.

Well, okay, uh, for one thing, they always land on their feet.

What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock? Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock was here? Well, they're dead. And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk. That's right, he got it from me.

Am I a walking hobo? No. Quagmire and Cleveland are, but you're not. So, wait, I would also be a paralyzed Hitler? Yeah. Would I be a black Hitler? Yes. No. Well, wait a minute, now how come I got to be crippled Hitler and he's still white Hitler? If you got such a problem with it, Joe, just be the hobo! This one isn't very fun.

(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule!

Meg. Meg, I promise, I'll do better at this job than I did on the SATs. Come on, do math.

My period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control. Gross. All right. I'm gonna go talk to Chris. Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking, when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep.

One fateful night, I got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind drunk. I was responsible for the death of an innocent 8-year-old girl. What kind? What? What kind of car? You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind? It was a Miata. Come on. That's not a sports car. How does that even kill a kid?

Gary Coleman owed me a favor. Stewie, you want some more strained peas? What you talking about, vile woman?

(WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going... (GRUNTING)

I've put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times.

"Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God.

Oh, yes, the new fellow. Come on in. What exactly am I supposed to do? You'll pick up the phone and you'll sell, sell, sell. But before you go thinking it's all seriousness... the first Friday of every month is Wacky-Tacky-Tie Day... so, you know, start thinking up some fun tacky ties to wear.

Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois. I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Yeah! Peter, would you get in the damn bed? I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever. I gave out all my invitations yesterday. Hey, Chris, I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party tomorrow. Thanks, Dad. I'd love to.

I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter.

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming. Not about kicking your fat ass!

(GASPS) JoJo?

- I'm--I'm just not comfortable, you know? - Well, I don't... This--This is, like, the '90s, man. I mean, like, everybody... Come on. You saw me on that boat. I was wearing a blazer. Huh? Come on. No! I just... I--I don't want to! All right? I don't want to right now! I told you I'm not comfortable. I think you could respect that. You know? I do respect. I totally respect it.

Who? Bazooka Joe?

You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily.

Now I know my A-B-Cs Yankee Doodle went to town Next time won't you sing with me? Now I know my A-B-Cs (PETER AND CHRIS GROANING) What the devil is that? It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble. (MOANS)

Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront. I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a common dandy. Never! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) My God! I can't believe she's an android.

But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering,

Oh, that's just an old tank I use for those commercials where I declare war on high prices. Now, about that sedan... (EXCLAIMS) Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game. We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.

I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive,

Peter, stop scratching that thing. I can't. It's itching like crazy. Dad, can I scratch your beard? Have you finished your homework? Yes. Ok then. Brian, you've been awfully quiet.

No. No, you can't leave, not without me. I'm the baby. I haven't been this disappointed since I saw The Lake House. See, the mailbox is like a time portal. Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later.

Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy.

You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.

(ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this. Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner. Run!

What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene.

(GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that?

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

(STAMMERING) I don't understand. Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

That's why I keep it by the phone. I think what this is, is simple exploitation of the American people who could be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful, like legitimate healthcare that they actually need. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh!

Oh, my! I--I liked you the way you were. You're not even real anymore. You're-- Peter, Did you get a new buttocks? I had to. My old one had a crack in it. Well, I couldn't be more angry with you. ohhh! YOu... You really let this family down.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before. But this is a great chance for us to start over. No, it isn't! You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me! You go to hell!

And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend... - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire?

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough

we thank you for choosing Channel Five as your Armageddon network.

That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where.

Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring. But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.

Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him. Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!"

(BARKING) (WHISTLING) (BARKING)

if you're willing to go this far to get a divorce, then maybe we shouldn't be married after all. What... What are you saying? I'm saying, I'll give you your divorce. You're off the hook. Oh! Oh, thank you, Charmese. Thank you so much. (STAMMERS) I can't believe you'd do that for me. Well, it's for me, too.

Dropped some pepperoni on there. You know what? That works. Sew it up.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose.

How do you think it works?

Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote. Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime.

Just as soon as I grab some powder with these skiing young people. (JUICY FRUIT THEME PLAYING) Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya Take a sniff Pull it out

Fred, this is not a date! All right, you're all done, Alexis. Well, What do you know? Once again, I finish first. Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car." Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! Oh, my God! NO!

Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give

(MESS AROUND PLAYING) Mess around

We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company

I was just so tired of being everyone's whipping girl that it felt kind of good to do some of the whipping. Give me the gun, Meg. Thanks for reminding me who I really am.

Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre? And then we dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us. SUSIE: Today, I saw a balloon.

I fucked your dad.

My time machine has been activated. Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not.

You... You have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute. (CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium. (GUN FIRING) (AIR HISSING)

Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

and whenever he said something sad, they'd pop their heads up, all concerned. Peter, you sure that's such a good idea? People rely on the local news to provide them with several stories a year on how saltwater taffy is made. Yeah, if you're a Nielsen family, it seems like you should maybe be a little more thoughtful with your choices. What are you talking about? I'm just having a little fun.

Little tip, Stewie, love dies, and that's okay. I write down all his advice in a little notebook. Yesterday's was, "I've never seen a pigeon die "from eating food on the ground, so what's the big whoop?" Peter, this skydiving thing has gotta stop.

That calmed you down, you fucking horse.

I love you. I love you, too. I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity. Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll?

We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Please, help yourself to anything in my corn hole.

No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best. Well, look who finally got here. (STAMMERING) You beat us?

MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes. Haven't even tried to figure out each other's names yet.

(GRUNTING) Damn it! (EXCLAIMS)

Now, let him go! Okay! Okay! You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee. I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody. I mean, I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you.

I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me....

You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched. (Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

Wah!

Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.

Look at Iceman. Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man. Oh, walk away.

I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day.

Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that?

Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes?

I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs.

Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was. After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina, where I managed to get a job at a summer camp for fat kids.

the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing. Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival.

he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

All right, we're two intelligent guys.

Blast!

Hey, Quagmire, how was your date last night? Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night? - Women have a fourth hole. - What? Yeah. I mean, it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But you got to believe that it's there. Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want.

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt!

Why the hell not?

BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink. You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane. (SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce.

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home!

I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina.

Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

sir, You don't have to keep moving to the back of the line. You can have as many as you want. They're free. What are you talking about? Hey, Can I have some more sausage? Yeah. Me, too?

All right, everyone. Time to do our Nielsen duty. So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show. You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming. I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug.

BOTH: Mmm...

Hey hey, Slobodan, you made it! I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw.

Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now? PETER: Right there. Right... I'm having some trouble here. PETER: It's right there! It's right in front of you! FLY: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left!

This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe.

NARRATOR: The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

There's a chick who's kind of Persian

Oh, dyin' boy of quahog Chris Griffin, you're so brave There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step as they dig your grave as they dig your grave

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes.

I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog!

Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer. Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today.

Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

Where is Cindi?

Well, there's a manger out back. You can stay there. That's fine, that's fine! We'll take it! CHER: (OVER PA) Bethlehem! I have one question for you! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

So get ready, fuckers.

Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey, I'll be right back. I got to go to the bathroom. Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of... NIKKI: 24! No, that's it. We're done. Anyone watching, do not count 24. NIKKI: Pancakes! Okay, I don't know what she's doing now.

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff.

Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness.

I totally called him on it.

I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up!

From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family!

You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone. Come on, let's go out dancing. I don't know. I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow. I just really want to go dance. There it is again, what is that?

Proud of you.

MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama. MALE ANNOUNCER: What happens when a 40-year-old woman asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby? Push, Angie, push! Push harder... Oh, it's dead. Brian, when you have to go to these lengths just to get away with smoking pot, it's time to make a change.

Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit? I'm telling you the truth. I swear on my nephew's grave.

Oh, wait, wait. BILF. Total BILF.

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning.

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.

Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up.

and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain-dead, it'll come rushing out to change the channel.

Oh, this is history right here, Brian. Gettysburg. Billy Yanks. The 20th Maine. So many lives lost. All in pursuit of the ideal that no man should be subjugated because of the color of his skin. These boys paid the ultimate price here. For equality. For humanity.

Like a rhinestone cowboy da-da! Riding... on a star-Spangled horse and rodeo For my next number... Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!

You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks!

How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow! MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson!

I mean, if you can't move, it's over. I love you, too, honey. Let's go home.

(GASPING) A ghost!

I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex!

Yeah, so, going pretty good. I got six pacifiers now.

I got a great idea! This" really scare them. Everybody set? - Check! - Check! Sock it to me! MAYOR: If we had a teacup, this'd be like playing...

(SCREAMING) What the hell?

So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show. You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming. I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS.

Oh, My God! Are you Stephen King? No. I'm Dean Koontz. Oh. ugh! Ugh!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're in college? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're my new college roommate? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We're gonna be living together? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In the same dorm? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) For the whole year? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick?

But I'm being serious here, Peter.

I can hear you. I'm not deaf.

My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol? If I lay down flat on the floor it usually kind of fixes it Tony Danza from Who's the Boss? Says, "A-oh, a-oh, oh-a, oh-a-oh!" I'm losing money, and it's your dog's fault.

Well, there once were two cowboys All alone out on the trail And they discovered they could sleep With another male Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex

Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it!

It's fun to pretend.

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail? No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass! Yeah? Well, That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseaseS!

Tonight I sleep alone

Baby, I miss my wife so much. Thanks for understanding that we can't do anything. I just want to cuddle. Oh, you're so sweet. I'm just doing what a man should do. Respecting the sacred institution of marriage. And now, straight to sleep. MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens.

What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy. Yeah, but this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different. Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis. Well, but... See, there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic. I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no.

Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM.

When I think back, of all the food we've wasted in this house... Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch. Come on. You-- H-h-hey-- Hey! None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No! No! You've had yours!

After him! Boys, to your Rascals!

COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats! As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.

We should form a club. All right, name something you find in your bathroom. Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating." (ALL CHEERING) All right, you've got two strikes, Callaghans.

It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING)

ls Peter here? I want to re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out. Hey, Wheat Thins! Take your top off. f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning.

Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms.

H-hey, You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there. That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found, everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. But What I did was wrong. And As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain.

Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you.

Tom, residents all over Quahog have been affected by the heavy rains, although some are doing their best to ride it out. For example, I'm here with Rides-a-Ten-Speed-Everywhere Guy. Sir, why are you riding your ten-speed in the rain? I don't mind. A little drizzle never hurt anybody.

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world! So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up.

I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line. I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do Hold it. Hold it. (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) What... What's going on here? - I'm pregnant. - You... - You're what? - Yeah. We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place?

Thank you very M...

sex is inevitable.

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.

That was horrible. You're as bad as Beethoven near the end. (HUMMING ODE TO JOY TONELESSLY) They're gonna love that! Well, I've still gotta do a little work on it.

I peed and pooped.

Is there anything else we should know about? - Oh, have you not heard? - Heard what? A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word, a-well-a...

uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers. We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted!

We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you.

Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery.

Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom. Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane? Well, it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.

Uh-oh, foot odor. I have to go. I have, uh, terrible foot odor.

Watch this. Are you watching?

That's it, Lois, you're fired.

(LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it!

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Who? Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!

Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet.

Oh, Now you're just being crazy.

Peter, may I use your restroom? I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.

You again?

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again. Who ate all the pecan sandies?

I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! Goodness, he's wet everything. Ha! Ha! ha!

Getting to the top, ahead of you, is gonna be one of the greatest moments of my life. It might even beat graduating from chiropractor school. Robert Baker.

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

We won, you dicks! You suck!

Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!

Well, I don't like your cooking.

Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs.

Goodbye? Where are you going? As of today, I'm stepping down as mayor and leaving Quahog forever. Because of Carol? That's right. I've decided to move to Alaska and become an Eskimo. Alaska? But that's so far away!

I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian. Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan.

Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

Its effects will become apparent shortly. (CHIRPING)

You suck!

You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter! Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare.

Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

What exactly are you trying to do? It's very simple, Brian. I've taken DNA from the dollar bill you were paid for Rupert. Now to check that DNA against the federal database. (BEEPS) We have a match. "Stanford Cordray, 89 Spooner Street." Well, that's only a few blocks away. Let's go!

Well, not all kids make it, Lois. Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em.

"It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

I said, "May I have a blanket?"

You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this.

Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow! Hey, JoE! The van's gone! NO, no. It's got a cloaking device that disguises it as 2 homeless guys fighting over a wedge of cheese.

Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts.

Later, dink! (GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING)

(CRASHING) Peter, what the hell! My car. (CHATTERING) Oh, damn it! Hey, hey, come back. (SPEAKING CANTONESE) (SPEAKING THAI) Sorry, Quagmire. How the hell am I supposed to get to the airport? I got to fly a plane in 20 minutes.

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

- Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. How can you be bored? This convention has everything. You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

Here's your martini, ma'am. Thanks. It's gone! I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one. What the hell is going on here? Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive. Did you bring enough breasts for the rest of the class?

In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay

A Passing Fancy.

Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough!

There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane!

Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us. Yeah. All right, that makes sense. See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad. Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.

Your mom's a whore!

Welcome back to Diane!

PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.

I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich, whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny! (SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you?

the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing. Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival.

I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live. They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check.

Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

So... Hintedy-hint-hint.

I never get picked for anything. (GUNSHOTS) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (GUNSHOT) (GRUNTS)

Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting.

- Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING)

Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido. What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity.

My heart still belongs to Griffin Peterson,

Muddy? Baby? Everything all right in there? MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)

Brian, I am very disappointed in you! I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend.

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!

Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody?

I clean in here? Yeah. That's fine. I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down. This is a very shocking Family Circus. (SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING)

All right, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there is something else down there in the bottom of the sea. Something that you will be able to relate to. There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts. f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME)

Oh, fuck it! PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle?

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing?

Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has to take a poop right just now. (ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people! Look, Why don't you just hang back and stretch?

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, surfin'... (SINGING GIBBERISH) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right?

Wow, a lot of people here today. Yeah. Man, I love street fairs. They got rides, games, and ethnic food cooked horribly by white Americans. Tacos! Hot tacos here! Oh, are those tacos? You better believe they're tacos.

Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.

Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon, I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

Okay, look, I'm happy to do that. (STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just... Look, what I was saying... Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

I'll show you. Let's do it. Good One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three One, two, three (BOTH SINGING) La-la-la-la-la-la - You see? It's easy.

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party!

Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

A flautist, Peter!

"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING)

I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

(ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail! After him!

(EXCLAIMS)

Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you. What are you doing? Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding. No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you.

ahh! No! Don't!

It's a soccer horn. I know what it is!

If there's one onion on that salad, you can forget the $1.80 tip you need to live. I'm sorry, you guys. This is all my fault. I never should've brought you on the space shuttle. You were right, I am stupid. MAN: Hello, up there. Hello? I know you all must be pretty terrified right now, but we're doing everything in our power to get you safely back to Earth.

bearded Robin Williams characters.

See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap. Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world.

You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

God knows who she might hirE. So the square of the hypotenuse, which we will label C, making the sides opposite both of the acute angles A and B Will always equal the sum of the squares of the other sides. Any questions? It's just something I have to do.

Stewie, what's wrong? (WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So?

If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill.

COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!"

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!