Well, we just need to kick it up a notch. Horace, hit it. Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere

" lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her!

Shut up. That's a real thing. (INAUDIBLE)

Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation. We'll have all this, and what else, Ollie? OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

(EXCLAIMS) A hundred points. Meg, clean up aisle two. What the hell is this? I am not cleaning this up. Meg, less talkie, more sweepie. Shut up, Chris! You can't tell me what to do. Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can.

Brian, what are you doing down there? They didn't set a place for me. Not a dog family. Oh. Go away. Go away, you.

But it's not like it's the first time you made a big family decision without consulting me. (WHISPERING) Yes, I'd like to see your quietest doctor.

(EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS)

but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty

Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone. Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy. Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play?

(GASPING) Is that a baby in there? Oh, my God! He's gonna miss the game.

Jeez, Lois! Still with the piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here? Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how... You're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet.

I'll take the one on the right!

Happy Halloween, fuck face.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad? STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity. What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia which has substantially weakened his immune system. Is he gonna die? No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off?

All right. I made a touchdown.

Well, I guess that's it then. Oh, there is one more thing, actually. Can you talk to that angry little boy down by the river bank? Uh... Yeah, sure. Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck.

Oh, that's just perfect. I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see. Anyone got more happy news? I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget.

Some day, I'll get off this rock and fight the Empire. John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody. (SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC)

You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch. We'll find another place.

and head on down to the ol' swimmin' hole. Ok, Listen up. Connie Demico's house is 2 stories. Now, if we set up booby traps here, here-- How'd you get these blueprints? Oh, Your mother has her ways. She has her ways. Can I have the blueprints to the Demico housE? Sure. Here you go.

Yeah! That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch! I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) Well, here we are, Rupert, Quahog's Summer of Love. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Brian, don't you know about the bird? Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird

I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared. Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape... while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most. Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable! Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich?

Wait a minute. Brian, You have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate? A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio. See? I can make up words, too, sister.

My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me!

I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend 5 days following stupid old K.I.S.S. around. It's painful. Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head. What? I'll miss you.

Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

I am expressing myself! Now, get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter.

That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him!

Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

(FARTING) There's your smear campaign right there, Brian. (LAUGHS) Mom's right. Drugs are bad, Brian. I mean, haven't you seen those commercials?

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge. (FARTING) Go ahead, mock me.

You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient? Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying.

Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they?

Manage what?

What am I supposed... You ready in there? Yeah. (MAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) You put some fake poo on the floor... Oh, no! Get out! Get out! Scat!

I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

Hey, guys. Everybody having fun playing with... What is that? A piece of wood with a nail in it. Neat. He can't hear you. There was a kitchen explosion today, and half the kids are deaf.

So, how's the writing thingy going? Terrible. I can't even get my foot in the door. Oh, Ok. I have somebody you have to meet. He's a producer. He's great. Really? Oh, Thanks. That'd be great. So, Do you like Sex and the City? Yeah. It's an all right show. I wasn't talking about the show. Ooh, I'm nasty! Someone send me out to sea!

I mean, come on! So that's what restaurants were like before desegregation. It was quiet. It was quiet. Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately.

Quagmire, are you nuts? This is a men's club. There's the problem. The ratio be terrible. It's a total mast-fest in here.

You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter! If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take 6 months off my face.

Good, ball that up and stick it in your mouth. (MUFFLED) Okay.

Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek. Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins, but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.

Hey, look what I found. Wow, authentic Native American remains. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site. Hey, look, it's Robin Williams. (GIBBERING) Black preacher voice. Gay Elmer Fudd. (LAUGHING) The more you hear it, the funnier it gets.

at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers.

(CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit? All right, let's do it! WEST: Well, if you're gonna do it, you're gonna need someone who's very good at disguise. Who said that? I'd love to go with you, but I can't. I'm supposed to be the gift table at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.

(CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to. Gentlemen, I have gathered you all here today because you are the creators of what television used to be before I ruined it. And we need to rebuild television from the ground up.

Thanks, honey.

Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?

Poor Carol.

They shine like sunny weather And they're close enough together

Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight?

- The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.

They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it,

Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i... I--I don't see any reason to--to throw it out. It's... The waist is still fine. You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy. Mom, you have to do something! Dad's on T.V. parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy!

Well, that's a very mature thing to say right there. I think you're on your way. Well, before I go, Peter, there's something I want to give you. Hold out your hands. Well, I guess that's it, then.

Damn. Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No. Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off. Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom!

What are you doing going through my mail? You weren't planning on going somewhere with our $26, were you? Oh, For God's sake! I just had it renewed! What's the matter with you? Look here, You're obviously taking us for saps. But we're not. Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John?

You've got the best Spike Lee stories. What's that? You want to meet my wife? Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello. Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

Brian, there you are. Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago. Oh, yeah, he... He's... He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago. What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! (GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie!

Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable. Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep.

Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I got to figure you're in there. How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk. Peter, this all looks very expensive. Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive. I'm going to try the Quonset hut.

On the scale of our 1981 failed Czechoslovakian occupation outpost, which was penetrated by Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, and their ragtag band of misfit soldiers who didn't even graduate! They slept through the graduation ceremony and somehow managed to come out of the manhole wearing clean, pressed suit, as you say. So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right?

He's sorting your recycling 'cause he loves our Mother Earth. If you weren't so busy trolling for booty all the damn time you could do it yourself, like the law says you should. Ooh! It's on now! Wait a second! What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along! I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.

No, i--i--I know. It's just, you know, I should be able to control my baser instincts. But...

So good to see you, Barrington. Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald? Huh? Huh? Where we going today? You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald? Pewterschmidt, settle down! I was having a nice conversation with Peter. Peter, why don't you tell me more about your job? You said you like to drink at work? I do. Oh, me, too! Me, too. I'll drink anything. Even that hollandaise sauce. Give me that.

You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. You know what, everyone? Forget it. Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. But after all this, Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 'cause right now I wish I was dead. If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? Yeah, I did it.

Sweet! High-five! (GASPS) You're awful. Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

Mommy!

No. It couldn't be me.

Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual.

the perfect hand for masturbating, and you blew it! You let it all go to your head! I know, Peter. I guess it turns out I'm just as human as anyone else. Yeah, well, what do we do now? You want the truth? I think it's time for me to go. This world's not ready for me yet, and I'm not ready for it.

Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them.

Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys.

which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties.

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie. (SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby,

(SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us. (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter?

The power outage provided a perfect cover. I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting.

A kiss is still a kiss A sigh is just a sigh The fundamental things apply As time goes by

- Go on. - Sorry. Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry. Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted. - Good. Now why don't you patch things up with Mr. Griffin by showing him your LEGOs, hmm? You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.

Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh!

And there's nothing I appreciate more than your friendship. (MOANING)

You're watching the show. The ducks are saying stuff. You're yucking it up. You're laughing. Your sides are hurting. All of a sudden you realize you're feeling something, too. When did that happen? When did the Handiquacks become people I care about? When did they become like welcome guests in your home whose weekly visits the whole family eagerly awaits? Take a look at what we got, Peter.

Lois, I think you've done all you can. Hard as it is to admit, it might be time to let Peter be where he belongs. What do you mean, Brian? We might have to release Peter back into the wild.

You hear me? I'm not one of you! And I never will be! (SNORING) Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back?

Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant.

Hello. Hi. Name, please? - Neil Goldman. - Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman. Oh, I beg your pardon, I meant to say Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin. Here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. - Well, you'll need this. - Name, please? Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin.

Boys, to your Rascals! He went into James Woods. Let's spread out and find him. We'll head him off at the... (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"?

No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian.

Oh, no! What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. Oh, Lois, again? That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on. Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really?

2 minutes to re-expansion. Dear God! I'll never get out of here in time! Move aside! I know a shortcut!

Well, all right. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, serious problem.

Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself!

Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? Were they able to contribute? Eh, you know, they did their best. What with their regular bleedings, when they got shot, did they even know? Look, guys, I'm not a hero. And I don't want to be treated any different than before. Just that you would say that means we should treat you different. Come on, guys, let's give him all our best food.

What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.

But you did want it to end. You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine. (SNIFFING) Is that smoke? (GASPING) Idea for a farce, cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive. (LAUGHING)

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN.

You're all accessories to my escape. She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you?

Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens.

Penis.

I would sacrifice

Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something? Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then.

For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay. Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

(GROANS)

(STAMMERING) Are you... Cheryl?

If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer. I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM) Look!

There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there? (BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing.

He's not feeling well. Fuck you.

Who the fuck are these people?

(LAUGHING)

Joe, please, can't we talk about this?

All right. Today we're gonna play soccer.

(BUZZER SOUNDING) All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.

Thank you. Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? I'm sure. Oh, good, 'cause that'd be strange if you had fantasies about pressing a gun up against your crotch and feeling your heartbeat through your balls. Please tell me why you have it. I said I don't want to talk about it. But I want to know. Just tell me. Come on.

We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf.

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked!

he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah!

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah

The two lesbians are going shopping. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids. Damn. Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians.

Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means,

I don't have to take that crap from you, neck. You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die. You'll die if you do that. Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf? I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder. Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner, but you married a bartender with a kid. These are facts.

Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie!

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What?

Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going. Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Yellow cake uranium

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy

So what are we gonna do here? Not so fast. Did you know you'd have to eat 17 bowls of those cornflakes to get the same nutritional value in one bowl of Total?

This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong? You got to get her running before you start running.

All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty. Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet. Now, few people realize that until 1928, there were no hoses, and you actually had to fight fires with your bare hands. I will now give a demonstration.

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Chris, this is our house. Ah. Then what is for dinner? Pork chops. Excellent. Chris, have you been to any other houses? I have not. Would you like to come in? Please.

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)

But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here. You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right?

Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out.

(LOIS) Oh, Good for you. My God. How could they do this to me?

This is turning out worse than Stewie's iPod commercial.

(SIGHING) I don't know, Peter.

(CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug. (CONTINUES CRYING)

What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah Family guy

Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn!

I peed and pooped. You know, I read that they're opening a Superstore USA across town. Maybe you could get a job there. No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical.

Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted.

Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

We don't need money because we have each other. Happiness isn't about buying expensive things, it's about being together. It's not about taking expensive trips. It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm. And we have that kind of happiness, Peter.

Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE! Uh, Sorry, Stewie.

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.

Griffin, Griffin. Here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. - Well, you'll need this. - Name, please? Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry, sir. Chris Griffin has already checked in. Well, that's impossible! (SOBBING) Meg, are you ready?

- We're going to a party. - Yay!

I'm eating number two now. Eating for two, honey. I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and... Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo! oh, Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm.

Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish.

It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along. Bye, new awesome friends.

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns. Freeze. Is that... Is that a banana? Don't worry about what it is. I'm still a cop. Whoa, hold on. All right, just take it easy. This can go a couple of ways.

Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me. What do you think?

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex!

That's a good sign, right?

Now, take that hat off. (BAT SCREECHING) Oh, God! Your hair's all combed. Here. Let me fix that. All right, good. Now let's give you a pencil-thin douchebag beard. Oh, heavens! I look like a rake. No, you look like you don't care, and that's good. Oh. Okay.

How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles? Sure. How about this? Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin for our newest waste pipe. (ALL CHEERING) Let the dumping resume! What's going on? Everybody dead.

Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok.

Sure. That'd be great.

I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay. If you want to teach us a lesson... Yeah, that's even better. All right, if that's what you... Wait a minute! You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and...

Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING)

Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound. Now try it again. "How do you do?"

ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore. And they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes. What--What did you do with the old bras?

Could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready?

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair.

Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm. How are we supposed to stay calm? There's a killer in the room! We all gotta get out of here! We're all gonna die! Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together!

By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not gonna tell you where, but I'll give you a hint. It wasn't my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.

Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What?

And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah! Ahh! uh, ahh! Ahh!

and you don't know anything about running a big business.

And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go? (Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men.

Big Fat Paulie? Ah! My name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight. Big Fat Paulie? How dare you? Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson! Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie?

QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water.

and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right? But that's only because I've truly connected with the one bit of flesh and blood that I have on this earth.

(SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards!

Hey, can I borrow the dress? What? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just doing some playful, walking-away banter during the music. STEWIE: Can we not do that? I have such a headache. BRIAN: Sorry! Time I've been passing time watching trains go by

(AS STEWIE) Oh, for God's sakes. You know, we're all sick of you! That's right, all of us! (AS KARINA) Sick of me? Oh, that's rich! You know, I wasn't going to say this, but Mother hates you! (AS STEWIE) That's not true! You take that back! (AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me! It was the Christmas we all went to Edaville Railroad, and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget,

I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen.

And now, straight to sleep.

Yup. Life is confusing when you grow up. isn't it, Brian? At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.

I didn't know who I was until I heard this album. (HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Good. Good.

Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter!

All right. Saltshaker up the nose. I got pepper. Ha! Ha! Yes, I win! That was fun, Dad! I'm the man!

I hope you like it. Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor.

Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait!

Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!

This is Trisha Takanawa,

I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter. Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there. I hate to see you so upset.

I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying... Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down!

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?

I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Ouahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

a $64,000 Bar, a Notafinger and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disc. God, I hate television. Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame? Uh, well... You see... We...

You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify Oh, yeah I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself. One time, I took a library book out, and I fells asleep reading it, and I left it under the bed. And I forgot about it for three and a half years.

Let's get the hell outta here. Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!

Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too. - What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house!

Hey, what are you doing? Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING) (BREATHING NOISILY)

No, I just read the back, where it's printed in French. You speak French? Sure, they love me in France.

Sorry, no Neil Goldman. Oh, I beg your pardon, I meant to say Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin. Here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. - Well, you'll need this. - Name, please? Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry, sir. Chris Griffin has already checked in. Well, that's impossible!

Isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"? You wanted me and Meg to bond. That's what we're doing. Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without T.V. for weeks! Now Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without T.V. Ha.

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian.

"And in the face of every adolescent challenge, "she looks at the world through hopeful eyes "and maintains an uncommon resilience that can only be admired. "In this sense, Meg Griffin is not the typical American girl. "She is far sweeter and kinder than that." Oh, my God. That is so nice, Brian.

Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great. Brian on a date.

Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING)

white hydrangeas and Fiji water!

(IMITATES PURRING) (MEOWING AND PURRING) I think you're dreaming. No, I'm not. BRIAN: Stupid cat!

Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

What makes a good terrorist organization? Brand recognition. Brand recognition. Mom, I can't stay here. There's no electricity, no telephones, it's horrible. Excuse me. I assure you our community is quite pleasant.

You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct. Really? I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter. One of us is gonna win that paid vacation. I don't want to feed Grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub. Peter, are you ok?

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING)

No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote? Hey, honey, guess what?

Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk. Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch?

I have to find my mother and make peace with her. Oh, well, So she's in Austin, mmm? 8 miles that way? Yes. All right. So instead of driving down this sun-parched highway, we've now got to walk? Uh, Pretty much. Yeah. WEll, You know what this means? Yeah. I say, walk slower, dog!

STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that? Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel. STEWIE: Stewart Griffin, explorer, adventurer,

But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go. And here comes the heroic blind man.

Well, I got to tell you, I'm not buying any of this crap. Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois.

He admitted defeat and ran off.

when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch?

(GASPS) Yeah!

Okay, well, breakfast is ready. Oh. Uh... Is everything all right? Yeah. Well, it's just... Would you mind tossing it up in the air for me? Well, I don't know... Lois, he is our guest. Toss it in the air.

Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly.

Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! Oh, I'll leave you to grieve.

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?

All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you! Well, I think your father found the perfect job.

Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.

Listen, Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right? so Here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock and coronae which seem to be collapsed domes over large magma chambers. Here's $5. Well, That's ok, Dad. I was thinking about getting a paper route, so I could pay for Barbara's gift myself. Oh, well I think that's very sweet, honey.

Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby. Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin? He died in Iraq. Sad.

Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS)

Ahhh!

Ben Stiller, help me.

Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video,

Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Ooh!

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

(PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs! (PLAYS OFF-KEY)

It really hurts bad And so do skin grafts Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell Where is the bell? Wait for the bell Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Mom, guess what?

Why? With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie. Joe, you've got to accept your limitations. Why don't you just ask me to lay down and die? I can't live like this anymore! That's it!

Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.

Would you kill a man? Um, uh, well...

Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Um, If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes.

You're the writer. You tell me. Ah, boy! This is great. All that searching, that emptiness I felt back home, gone. I think I finally found my life's calling, you know? Oh, How wonderful! You know, Brian, I've always found your writing to be a little hackneyed and stilted, but I guess that's why I'm not working out here in Hollywood, huh?

Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert. Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates.

Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad!

I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.

Wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow. Yeah. Well, then don't worry about it.

Yeah, everyone except Brian, 'cause he bought a Prius. What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?

Oh, yes. Ye--yes, I'll have the coffee cake.

Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING)

Crimony. (FARTING CONTINUES) (SPLASHES) Ah!

Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper!

And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian.

Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great spot to get mugged. Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all my money out of both our wallets? Well, it's just good to have you guys here.

I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers.

Well, thank God, everything's back to normal, eh? I'll say. And to think, Brian, I was, like, a day away from havin' sex with you. I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian. But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball?

You lied to them! You--You told Child Services that we steal lawn mowers and cheat on our taxes and worship some guy named Stan. Um, Actually, I said Satan. That's a typo. We didn't know who that woman was! It's not our fault! No? Then whose fault is it? It's all of yours!

(MOANING) Gotcha! Now let's find out who you really are. BOTH: It's old man Barney Frank! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Republicans.

The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Over.

Look, Peter, you do what you want to do, but I'm going to that party. My life isn't over. It's just beginning.

What do you mean? Listen to me. I used to be the laughing stock around here until my country invaded Kuwait. Now I have a seat in the 3rd row. Look, the only way to get any respect around here is to find something you want and just take it! Wait A second, If everybody respects you, how come you're still eating here by yourself? I don't shower. Oh, That's what that is.

Peter! You've been eating my legs?

(PHONE RINGING) Penguin Publishing. One moment, please. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line... Out. Get out! Get out now!

And let me assure you, my racquetball game is no indication of how we do business here at J.T. Stern. (CHUCKLES) Okay, zero serving zero. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) I have to say, Peter,

(BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.

No, no, no, no, no.

(FIRE CRACKLING) Thanks, Joe. It was getting a little chilly in here. Well, that's 'cause you're all the way over there. Well, let me fix that. NORA: Mmm. - Oh, Joe. - Oh, Nora. NORA: Did you bring protection? JOE: Oh, don't worry. Nothing comes out of the front.

It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter? Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down. At least you've still got Batman and the... It was Batman Meets... You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

I love you. Fuck off.

and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman!

Lois, where is my Red Bull? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden. (GRUNTING)

You have to talk to these new bosses of yours first thing in the morning. Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with CHRIS. Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan.

Is there something on my elbow or... First, me first, me first. Peter, I'm going first! Oh, no, you don't! Move your ass, Peter!

Everybody, I have an announcement. I am gonna drop this weight and rejoin the workforce. I have decided to become a professional fisherman. What? Why a fisherman?

Oh, no. That boy's ball fell out of the cup. Oh, but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian.

And we have to get Stewie back! I remembered. WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

Scissors are jerks. And I'm an owl.

Have a great assault. Jerk.

Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

Car. Car coming! We're clear. (BEEPING)

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right. ahh!

(IMITATING FANFARE)

That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

"Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end.

Anyway, let's talk this thing through. Oh, uh, huh, Hey, Cleveland. I was just leaving you a message. You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

I would give my right hand for this day to just end.

(FARTING) Who's there? PETER: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Just me, sweetie. Oh, I didn't know you were home. What are you doing in the closet there?

Wow, You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you. I can't believe how terrific you look. Thanks. I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime. I'd love to. oh! The baby's kicking. Want to feel? Sure. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid! Peter!

oh!

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked!

I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter. (GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.

(KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, you kids stay out of that cave! You don't know what's in there!

Happy Easter! Peter, what the hell are you doing in that? Have you been drinking? Not since I got out of the car. Who here thinks they can kick my ass?

" can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three. Do it again!

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

I shall call it... a time machine.

Chris, where have you been? Doug told me I don't need to listen to you. Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy... and get some astringent to get rid of that thing.

(SCREAMING)

And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

(SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? (GROANS) I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man. God, I hope Alan doesn't find out. Hey, forget that klutz. Hmm. Maybe this one.

Now go impress that super-thrilling wish-fulfilling, Yoo-hoo spilling Ultra-swinging, boner-bringing gaily singing, ding-a-linging Stupefying, fortifying as of Monday, shoelace tying Stimulating, titillating kitty-cat impersonating Mega-rocking, pillow-talking just-a-little-crooked walking Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting For some reason, always shouting

PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway. I hate it when Woody casts another actor in a role he's supposed to play, 'cause they always act like him. What're you talking about? I thought Patrick Stewart was great as Melvin Shiverman. You know, Nietzsche says we're doomed to live the same life over and over again, (CLEARS THROAT) which is bad news because it means I have to sit through the Ice-Capades again.

Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and...

Who? Top men.

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car!

Hey, do you think maybe you'd want to hang out sometime? What, you mean like a movie or something? Yeah, or maybe lunch? I had a bad experience last time I went to the movies. We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis. No! No! I reject the premise of this!

All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur. Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No...

I was just calling to tell him my father is recovering well and the doctors say he'll be fine. That's great. I'll tell him. I'll be flying back first thing in the morning. That's great, too. Okay, bye, Bonnie. See you tomorrow. Bye. JOE: Who was that? Prank call.

Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies.

Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing. Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star? I got more cowboy blood in me than Billy the Kid. (THE BALLAD OF BILLY THE KID PLAYING) Well, he robbed his way from Utah to Oklahoma

WeLl, Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell? Actually, we are tired. And hungry. Well, We got plenty of room here, and all the fresh apples you can eat. Oh, Peter! We found a new home! What are you talking about? We're going to Natick! For what? A Twinkee factory that might not even exist anymore?

They didn't care about you. Why should you care about them? The thing is, you guys committed a crime. And I've still got the evidence to prove it. Too bad I lost it. AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.

I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.

if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away.

Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter. Nice going. This dinner was a disaster.

Get the fuck out of my house!

(SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it! I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING) All right, Chris, this is it. This is what we've been working for.

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present.

Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you.

Boy, this is romantic, isn't it, Lois? Oh, it sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. What girl? The lead in Titanic, the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. - Sweetheart, that was a guy. - What? That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep. Oh! Hey. Uh... Didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here. This... This is Stephanie.

I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase,

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling

Listen, I just feel awful about this. Horace was a good bartender and a good guy. I wish there was something I could do. Well, we know you didn't mean it, Jerome. It's just a terrible situation. Like when you're the only one at the table where the waiter doesn't say, "Good order."

- You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car.

It's torture.

And I'm here to talk to you about rape. Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you. I'm not gonna rape you. I might.

Meg, stop it. Come on.

Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What? You busy right now? No, I got a hand free. What's up? Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again? I... Possibly. I mean, in what context? Well, we're trying to make Cleveland see that she's no good and that he can't trust her, and if he catches you guys in the act, then... Okay, oh, no, no, okay. No, I'm... I'm with you now.

The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Sorry, y'all. That's the first time I ever throwed anything.

Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Bill, how are you? Babs, come over here and say hi to Bill Gates. Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates. Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt. Well, this is a quaint little party you guys are throwing. Hey, Bill, would you help me program my Zune?

Look, forget how it happened. Can you just get us out of this?

and Greg became his slave? Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head!

No toys, Stewie.

I'm gonna go work out.

Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Doodie means poop. It does. Are you, Dad? Are you the only one who does his duty?

I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood?

Is that a bracelet you're wearing?

Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.

Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you. Hey, well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it. Well, still, good for you.

And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn! I'm a monster!

(SCREAMING)

All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's?

"Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing. Signed, Peter Griffin, dictated but not read. Lois, read that back to me.

Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING)

Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Then we'll have unlimited lives.

So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

to the other kids that you don't belong there. Yeah. And you might have a really good time. I'll tell you one thing, I still regret not going to my junior dance. Bu--

Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going.

I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat! I want them to have new hats! Kids, these are your father's wishes. Go ahead. Get whatever you want. That's easy. I wish I could see what Kelly Ripa was like off the set. So it shall be.

Sure.

Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago.

Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel

Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.

(CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing? It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois. I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning,

Uh, "Captain", full word, then "Stabbin'," S-T-A-B-B-I-N apostrophe. Okay, I'm checking. You know, instead of a "G" at the end. I'm sorry, sir. I'm not finding that site. What was the subject matter?

Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no... I need more lemon Pledge. Okay.

Oh. Do you mind if I take this script? Yeah, sure, whatever. He just pays me to watch him sleep and rub this knife across my face while I do it. (RASPING) Okay. Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah.

Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle. And it's weather-treated with a mixture of whale skin oil and children's tears. (DOORBELL RINGING)

Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog? Well, a stray. Thank you. Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now. Well, hold... Hold on a sec. We could probably let them go for just a few more minutes. (ALL CRYING)

- LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired.

Come on. Let's go get our nails done.

Yay! Thank you, Tree Jesus! Hey, Mr. Barrington. Oh, hello, Peter. I'm so glad you're here. We're shooting bald guys under 5'7" today. Hey, there's the guy who denied my health insurance claim. Sir, your nipples are fine! You don't need to reconstruct them!

Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness? What do you mean, honey? You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh? I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you. um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Down therE?

(LOIS LAUGHING)

(GASPS) There's Connie D'Amico. Chris, don't walk next to me. Hi, Connie. Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day about how much you liked High School Musical 2 so I burned you the soundtrack.

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time. Some things are worth waiting for. Wow. You're really a true gentleman. Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING)

Artoo! (ARTOO SCREAMING) Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

LOIS: Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot. PETER: Yeah, what did I tell you, huh? Oh, God, Peter, let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now.

(YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God!

Join me for what? No, PETA, the organization. - What organization? - PETA. What? PETA is an acronym, Peter. No, I'm not. I'm Catholic. Are we really doing this? No. Peter, I'm just saying maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. Somebody's having a rally for me now? No! For PETA! That's me! I'm Peter! I'm not talking about you, Peter!

I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there.

Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here?

Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own. undefinedHow about a movie? " don't go out with dudes.

That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do. If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to Islam.

That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes.

Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph. Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here.

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS. Excuse me? Second request. Present hall pass.

Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands

All right! Yeah! Wait a minute... (ALL LAUGHING) (SINGING THEME SONG) Joke's on you

Look, Lois, we're making a lot of cash with this boxing thing. And I need money for bourbon and anime. (SLURRING) Well, I just can't understand any of this. Everybody in Japan is either a 10-year-old girl or a monster. I don't care about the money, Peter! I don't care about boxing!

Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING) All right, you caught me.

Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score!

Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street.

Stop it! Stop it! Get off my husband! Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing?

llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch.

It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time.

Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money?

Each jingle bell is a requiem knell And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell

Yeah. It's yours. You like my pants? Uh, Sure. They're yours! Know what a merkin is? No. Pubic wig. I got one. You want it? No! Of course You don't! You're a classy guy! You want to be rich? - Yes! - Sign here. What the hell?

What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time. Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.

So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me? What? You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know?

Death, put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite! I don't have skin! THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!

You had a heart attack, Daddy, but you're all right now. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool.

Revenge? See Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks, and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out! Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip? Mmm. I do! But keep talking.

Ha! Ha! (RAPPING) I respect women when I'm on a date I take them to the park or maybe a museum And I only try to kiss them if they're ready Whoo-hoo! What, what, what, what I say what, what Help out your mom and dad by getting a job So you can help pay for school supplies Whoo-hoo! Say ho!

Silence! Ever since you two met,

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty. (VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws.

Shut up. Seriously, shut up. Please, you are done here. Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country. Wait, not you five. I'm gonna keep you for an experiment. Ho-ho! Eggs. Who came first, the chicken or the porn star?

I choose to stay here. What? What? Meg, you are the most beautiful woman I will ever know. You have shown me so many wondrous things that have opened my eyes to the world beyond my home.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag. Oh, no. Privateers. No doubt they're after my sugar cane, tobacco and spices. Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.

Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello. You and I are going on a date Saturday night.

I've had enough.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) - Hey, Lois? - Shh. Quiet, Brian. Mom's taking a nap on the couch. Yeah. And look, she fell asleep with the cat right on her chest.

Think fast! We did! (CHEERING) Mom, how come when we see these guys on the street corner you tell me not to stare at them, and today that's all we're doing? Because, Chris, as Americans, we owe our lives to these veterans.

What? Dad, you were the one driving! I was teaching her to drive and she lost control of the car. Come on, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie. Come on. Give the kid a break, huh? Why should we?

Ah, it's so hot just knowing you're in a truck. Good morning, Officer Swanson. Oh, hey. Nora. Listen, I... It's okay, Joe. You don't need to explain. I stepped over the line at the bar last night. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't find you attractive. I do. I just...

And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain!

You didn't tell her? Look, I told you she was gonna kill herself. What was I supposed to do? Let her. No, that's not funny. Wait a second.

Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where. You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it. I had to ruin it? Yeah, you. I was actually hoping that you'd talk me out of returning the sweater. So, you're right, I guess I am a moron. You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself,

Oh, bloody hell! All right, time for Plan B. Let's go!

(WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wow, Bonnie! You really took off the baby weight quickly. Oh, thanks, Lois. Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back? Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt. Mmm... That feels good.

Chris, Don't listen to your sister. Sticking your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up. Peter, you ok?

I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul!

What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING)

(BEEPS) Oh, look at that. There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years. (ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in. (CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we?

I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh.

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor.

Peter, you do realize you deserve this for the way you treated Joe? I think you owe him an apology. Are you kidding, Lois? It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society. But I'm gonna be different. I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done. (GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES PLAYING)

I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation. You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible!

You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks. Oh, I beg to differ. Oh, You don't need to park here, Mr. Griffin. You have an executive parking space now. But that looks exactly like my old space.

Ok, disability claim.

- Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher. Dad, you... You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights. I'll take the one on the right!

Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working!

What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels.

Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way. - Marie? - Yeah, Donny? We cannot tell Mom.

My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

Uh-oh. The police. Looks like I got some explaining to do. No, but how could I help you, Officer? We're looking for this baby. Have you seen him? I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop. Have you seen him? No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.

Oh, no. What? We just moved in down the street and thought we'd stop in and say hi to our new neighbors. Well, great to meet you. Come on in. I'm Peter. This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie.

Don't be so sure, Brian. I've slept with chicks all over the world.

(FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter. W-w-Wait! Before you go, what's Heaven like? Oh, It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter.

Stop! All wrong! All wrong!

Lois. Lois, Lois. I will decide what is best for my child, all right? Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son. Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. Feed him whatever you want. Tell you what. Go up to my jewelry box,

aah! Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job. You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson. I didn't want to overload her on her first time out. Besides CHiPs is about to start.

I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun!

Huh? Hit it! Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather...

You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?"

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not. Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done. Can I go now? Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid.

Brian! Stubby! What are you doing here? Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie,

Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews. After this. A hurricane. Oh, my God! Peter's out there. Don't worry, Lois. Peter's good at getting out of trouble. Just like Kobe Bryant. We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her?

Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go.

Brian. Ryan.

Who's got the greatest gal around? You do! Who's got the sweetest man in town? You do!

He wants to have sex with me so bad. (LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to. (LAUGHING)

It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. (SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities!

That's for me ever having doubted you. A-plus!

Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast. Oh, wonderful! Wonderful! Yeah, I'd forgotten how great it is interacting with other people. Well, I better get some sleep. I got to open the store tomorrow. You don't want to go back to that record store.

Well... It's... I have my cell phone. No, we have your cell phone. Give her the cell phone, Brian. (SIGHS) There you go. Merry Christmas! Yeah. Merry Christmas. It has all my fucking contacts in it. Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face? Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? (GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan?

Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too!

(LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it. Ah! Ah! Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan? - I told you to stop. - I taste blood. Well, there's a lot of it.

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

Oh, God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts. Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going.

He's golfing on our anniversary? Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse. Which is where your mother-- Don't say it! Your mother smells. seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping.

Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art, and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

Hey, what about these? Good choice.

Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion. No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible. You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

Ow! No, Brian, I'm supposed to say, "Ow!" You ruin everything! Ow. All right, Peter, we're gonna try to jog your memory with some old videotapes of the family. Boy, you got a lot of tapes here. I kind of want to watch some of these instead. Pretty Woman? What's that? It's just a movie from the '80s.

It still works, even though it's got a lot of Civil War brains all over it. Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good. Bye, Otis!

Thanks. Hey, Brian! Smell my finger! I... I already can. Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.

It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore! Oh, He's terrible!

Oh, This is pathetic, and all because you feel inadequate next to Chris. Don't be stupid. I don't need to compete with my son or his freakishly large penis. I'm a freak. Well, Don't despair. Let's just hang a tire on the end of it, and head on down to the ol' swimmin' hole. Ok, Listen up. Connie Demico's house is 2 stories.

How about a funny story about Lake Wobegone? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree.... Oh, no. Kids, your father's in trouble. I'm going up there. I'm coming, too, Mom. Oh, my God. The guy behind me braided my hair.

And then the cow came out of the barn. See? See, look. There's the cow. And what does a cow say? yes, Yes, that's right. A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep."

Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. What's he expecting us to cut to?

They want my seed! But from the look of your pupils, I'd say it's some kind of mind-control serum... or not. Mind control? But I feel so lucid. Yes, you look spot on to me. Why, Thank you. I try to work out. But who has the time, besides trophy wives? Oh, yes, that's rich.

(PETER EXCLAIMING)

(GASPING) You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

(MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth.

Oh, God, I'm so excited for gay sex. Me, too. Your body makes me so horny.

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great.

(POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide!

(BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country? What? Payback!

Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

And now, the embryos will be inserted. The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

What the hell is going on here? Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy. Well, you've effectively ended my reign of coolness, haven't you? You're a disgrace, you know that?

I'm so hungry I could eat this dead camper. Holy crap! Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet, but that's never stopped us before, right? (LAUGHING)

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find assault rifles? Aisle six. How about a list of known local homosexuals? Aisle four. Meg, you're doing a great job. In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager.

Well, Actually, i--I canceled the reservation. What? Peter, How could you? Lois, I got a very good reason. Oh, Wait a second. These are always classic. Lois, that Cheesie Charlie's is--is no good. See, it happened like this.

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you!

Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on? Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan.

(GROANS)

(CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies,

Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

So I can see Eli again? EZEKIEL: Griffins! (CROWD CLAMORING) What's going on here? Your family must leave our community and return to the outside world. Dad, what's happening? I thought you talked to him. Sir, please, whatever your quarrel is with my husband, I'm sure it's probably justified,

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license. Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time.

Hey, babe. What do you say? We going out Saturday night? Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly. Stewie, you're being mean. No. If I was being mean, when you opened the door I would have said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia."

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's cool. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's fly.

Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Oh, no, you don't! Move your ass, Peter! You move yours! I made reservations with the maitre d'. Isn't that right, Cornelius? Lois Griffin, poop for one. I also need a poop. Do you have a reservation, sir? Yeah, I called a couple days ago. Who did you speak to? Dave... Al... Jeff... Ilium... Tonio?

Just in case. Just in case what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds. Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois.

So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler...

So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything? Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here. Didn't you pass him on the stairs? Well, I hope the rest of you kids learned something today.

Jeez, Cleveland. That must've set you back, huh?

What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass?

we, your people, who have been on this planet for 6,000 years and not a second more, wish to thank you for this bounty, and for keeping Congress predominantly white through Christ our Lord, amen. So, Rush, I see you made it here okay driving on roads built with public funds, by the government.

That sounds great, Peter, but I can't right now. Crap. Why not? 'Cause I'm working. I'm flying a plane to Alaska. Alaska? What the hell? I never even heard of this place an hour ago, and now everybody's flying there. What did you say? Quagmire's flying to Alaska? Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on!

And I finished a book! I promised myself I'd work that in. I might've jumped the gun. I didn't finish it. I'm so glad you're all right. Brian, how could you get us all worked up like that? Yeah, shame on you! Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. You are gonna get it when I drink.

So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know....

I never got to wear it better!

Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run! Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!

What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then.

What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

We want the city government shut down.

Oh, my God. Yes, I can.

Of course, nobody here is interested in seeing that sort of thing. Are they? Probably not. No. Okay. You kind of looked like you were nodding? Nope? Okay. Okay, we should get back to work. All right, next up. does everyone have a lab partner? " don't. Me, neither. She can be my partner. Sarah, that's very irresponsible. Meg is awful. - You want to be my lab partner? - Really?

For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams! Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place. Hey, I just wanted to keep my bar. I built that thing so my friends would come to see me, not you. Is that so? Let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue to sing! And...

JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

It says "Murray Hill 4185." That's not enough numbers! That's the number, Brian. Just dial 0 and read it to Sarah. Jesus Christ!

Hold on tight!

But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

(GRUNTS)

Help! Help us! Oh, my God!

And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING) I'm Chris.

Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha! Hmm. Ugh! yee-ah! Lois, that was amazing! Congratulations-- This is mine!

How romantic! Why can't you find a nice girl? Ma, she's gonna dump hiM. Well, at least he got that faR. You know who he took to the prom? His cousin! - That's weak. - YEAh. All rigHt, All right, that's it! I'm sick of both of you. Come on, PeteR. Death, put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!

And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack

Joe Swanson.

I have diabetes!

All right, let's figure out what we know here. The gun was clearly meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way. So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods.

Well, I have some good news. The autopilot is capable of taking you home. But, guys... (STATIC CRACKLING) ...to engage, we're gonna... ...to take the shuttle out of... Hello? Hello? Crap, I think we lost him. Let me fix that. If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things.

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

How the hell did you do that? No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do

You boys are fugitives of my county, and I'm gonna take you back.

I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate. What the hell does "rant" mean?

I got a story about a fat guy who's starving and bored. Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started. You're not gonna get dinner started. She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie?

(STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better. Number three, number four. Number three. Five and six. (SIGHS) Five and six.

But Dad, I was supposed to build it myself. It's a rule. Ah, Come on. Rules were made to be broken. Aah!

All right. Today we're gonna play soccer. Huh. That was easy.

Hearts on fire Strong desire Rages deep within

Well, I was right to trust you with it then. And this is called waiting in line at the movies. It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,

(CROWD SHOUTING) A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you.

Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip.

I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked. Here's your Mikes. What's next? Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie. (CLEARS THROAT) People of France,

Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

(PETER MOANING) What made you come around, Lois? (SIGHS) I love you so much. I love you so much, Lois. I love you, too, Peter.

Drago!

Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes!

Lois,

Yeah! Wow, you guys. I'm impressed that you're taking your sentence so seriously. And I know that the court will be happy to hear this, too. Now, if you'll just keep it down so I don't get any more complaints. Sure. No problem, Joe. Thanks for stopping by.

My word, what a fascinating man this Jesus must've been. I can just imagine meeting him. (SHEEP BAAING)

'cause every afternoon she'd be bellyaching about her bloody duke. I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow. And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty. The Queen, eh? I'd like to mash my banger in her blood pudding. Googity. Googity. Glop.

I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here?

Lucky there's a family guy

Dancing in the street

crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. You've got the song memorized, do you? So does everyone else! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning. The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder. Good night, Stewie.

I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh!

BAR PATRON: Oh, come on! Hang on, I'll fix it. Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn, I drove all the way out here.

Come on. I'm buying. Oh, yeah! Hey, man. Cool specs. Thanks, G. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin. No relation. So tell me, home boy, how about the baggy clothes we Kids are wearing these days? Aren't they phat and stupid and poppin' fresh?

Hey, flathead, chop-chop.

Don't get any ideas about Julio. I'm his number one.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)

There you are. What? Well, you're jumpy. So, did you hear all that noise last night? I swear to God it sounded like somebody had an accident and maybe somebody got hurt. What? What are you talking about? Something must have gone down.

Woodstock's over, assholes.

Come closer. I see good food at competitive prices. At Big Pete's House of Munch. Stop on by. Unfortunately, they couldn't air it, 'cause it turns out M. Night Shyamalan was involved with September 11th. You know, Peter, my buddies and I have been looking for a new hangout.

Hi, boys. I didn't have my hands down my pants.

Wait a second. Got something. This could be the real deal, boys! Let's do it!

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

He's a worse dad than a rich New York City investment banker. Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir. Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows.

Peter, have you seen Brian? (MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not. Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache!

You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankinD. What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

Right. I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out $200 for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward. I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"? No. A "B"? No. C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P? "P"! Peter! My name's Peter! Is your name Peter? Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer.

Peter, there's a candlelight vigil on our front lawn.

There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat.

Giggity Giggity Giggity!

You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth.

Meg, take Stewie upstairs!

(ALL CHEERING)

Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like. Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact quahog police immediately. One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable.

All right, then let's eat. I know you all hate eggplant, but... What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish

Our goal here is to find your X-factor, the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place.. Well, just-- just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders. Thanks, Doctor.

You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this.

Hey, look, why don't you go bother Joe, huh? I can't. He's in Vegas for the weekend, seeing that handicapped Cher impersonator. If I could turn back time If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Doctor, is my brother really insane? Mrs. Griffin, we don't use the word "insane." We prefer the term "mentally hilarious." I can't wait to meet the lunatic. I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is.

What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air You're a real pal, Jesus. Well, I'll tell you this, Peter. You ain't never had a friend like me. Me and Jesus Those are words that please us 'Cause we're close as Beezus

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight

We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world. Greetings, loyal minions. (GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news!

CLEVELAND: Sure! Here I am on Tatooine Jumping Double Dutch like you never seen I know my way around a rope LOIS: Help me, Obi-Wan You're my only hope CONSUELA: Yes? Hi, we have a message for Jabba the... No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh.

Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. It's okay, Daddy. I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. (COUGHING) Uh, listen, there's been a mistake.

See what I mean? This is not normal! You there, Bingo. It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his... I say, what's this? Volume! Volume! Look, what's the big deal? I mean, we're just a regular American family. We have family dinners, and we go to church together--

That's right, I don't want to see any actual True Blood, just boob. Yeah, well, I found some. No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy. Jeez! You should know that, Joe! You should definitely know that! Sorry, Peter.

You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

If you plopped me in the middle of a high school,

Hey, New Brian. I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

Peter, the reason Brian succeeded in his cause is that he spoke with such passion. No offense, but you two just don't have that talent. Are you kidding? I can be very persuasive. That's how I used to lure wayward sailors to their deaths with my siren song.

Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,

That's idiotic! But it just might work. What?

WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!

If it's any consolation,

I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car.

How can you even say that? Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that makes you wanna blow your brains out, Stewie just sits there, and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here! Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya. Listen to you! You don't know your own kids. That's the problem. It's not them, it's you.

Except for that time I rode the mechanical bull at that bar. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, my God, how embarrassing! Look how much fun I am!

This is in poor taste, Peter. Having some trouble there? You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

Damn you, ice cream.

We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance.

Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy the ride, then.

We need to gather more information about this new planet. Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay here with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you.

mmm, mmm. No more treats, Stewie. You're gonna spoil your dinner. Oh, come on! Oh, damn my small stature!

Atkins-friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest, and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out. Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail. Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart.

Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police.

How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself. I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck. Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance. What's wrong with you? Look at me, everybody. I'm breast-feeding in public even though it's wrong. MAN ON TV: And now back to 1943's Fast Talking High Trousers. Well, isn't this a fine song and dance? What are you getting so hot about? Keep your shirt on. Where do you get off making remarks like that?

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA? I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

(SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.

Your cynicism prevents you from ever being in a receptive state. Look, I'll prove to you what I'm saying, all right? Let me read you your horoscope. "You have a very strong emotional nature. "You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point.

JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table. Lois, If I'm gonna get good enough to impress the Black Knight, my lance must be with me at all times. Oh, You guys are gonna be so proud when you see me out on that field. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go practice. Oh, my God, dad! My earring! Dad, stop!

Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs!

All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook, and that's our ticket to... Hey, Brian. What's up? Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter. Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is.

especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall. What do you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey... Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas. What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next.

Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast. You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here. Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back.

Come with me. I've got a lot of tall, statuesque people I want you to meet. What's that? Oh, That's my son, Chris. He can't come in. Ha. He's fat. Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in.

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin.

Yeah, she really acted crazy.

I understand you're a man who knows how to get things. I've been known to procure various and sundry items. I don't understand what you just said. I need stuff. Can you get it? What do you need? I need a rock hammer. What's it for? I carve Star Wars figurines out of stone, but it's also for not tunneling my way out of here.

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

(GASPING) (SIGHING) (GASPING) (SIGHING) He was "Putin" us on, huh? Right? What do you think of that? Chevy?

Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance? Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry. Are you sure you took it? Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't. No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you. You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it.

You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you. Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times. Yes, valid points you're raising, my friend,

(LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys? They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING)

I guess that means I'll never get to see an episode of Superman where Clark Kent and Lois Lane finally get together. Lois, I love you, and I want there to be no more secrets between us. I am Superman. Oh, my God. The only thing that can kill me is kryptonite. Or latex. Or lambskin. What about polyurethane? All that. All that stuff.

Man, what a bunch of jerks. Yeah, we should call Ross and tell him, "This is the hospital, and your mom's dead." And then, he'll be like, "What hospital?" And we'll be like, "Saint Up Yours."

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Look, Ezekiel, we would love to go back to the city, believe me. I haven't had a drink in three days. But our car broke down. We can't go anywhere until it gets fixed.

Hey, Peter, your 25th high-school reunion is next Sunday. Throw that away. I don't want to go. Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night. Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.

"David Banner, I just slashed your tires." I'm priceless.

Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know... so you could spare his feelings and let him down gently. Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris. Thank you so much. You've been very understanding. Gosh. You know, I don't mean to impose, but do you have a picture of yourself... that I could tape to the back of Lois's head?

(LAUGHS) Really? Wow, thank you! This is great. Now I won't have to become a Mary Kay saleswoman. So, what makes these shampoos different from the ones at the supermarket? These shampoos have been in my car.

it doesn't mean you have to be a creepy stalker and follow Meg around all day. It's called research, Stewie. I'm just being thorough. Where the hell is she going?

Hmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state right now, Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

My God, you are the sorriest bunch of rejects I ever seen, and I've seen The Bangles in concert. You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy?

(SPEAKING ELVISH) (STAMMERING) Hey, there. I mean, it's nice to pleasure your acquaintance. I mean, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? I'd love to. God, he works fast.

ANNOUNCER: All new this Christmas, remote control cars that glow in the dark! PETER: Get that!

Carol, this is our town's mayor, Adam West. Mayor West, this is my sister, Carol. Well, hubba-hubba, ding-ding, who invented this thing? (LAUGHING) I bet you say that to all the girls. Only the ones I'm about to ask to Friendly's for a Fribble. Well, I don't really have any plans this afternoon.

What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.

I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

It's a glorious day. Hey, Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Hmm. Whiskey.

Your dying wish is denied. Thank you. Wait a minute. My son only has a short time to live. All he wants is his favorite show back on T.V. How can you say no? Mr. Griffin, everyone thinks their dying child is special.

Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery. Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. I'm sorry. I can't see what you're going for here. Let me look at....

We haven't made love ever!

You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian. He's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc. Oh, God's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Ok, Tattoo?

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great!

STEWIE: Did you see that, Rupert? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

Now, it says it's worth 8 cents, but really it's worth 12.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore! I think I got a wave here!

Well, it's getting late. I should probably go. Brian, this is, like, our sixth date. I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something. No, I... Oh, my God, I'm so attracted to you. I... So why haven't we done anything about it? I just... You know, sometimes, taking things slower is better.

And It's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns. Oh--oh, a-a-a-And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose, y'know, to make the guys laugh. And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation? Well, I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular.

This is what it feels like to be a bear. You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married? You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear?" Well, this is it. This is it. I'm living it, baby. No, you're not. You've been wearing those things for three days. You can wear them to bed, but tomorrow we're getting rid of them. (SIGHS) Fine. Screw up all my fuzziness.

You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts,

Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God. I thought we were friends. The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook.

Once we are in the air, we drug the pilots,

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator. MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talking or you get busy dying.

(LAUGHING) Wow. Never seen that happen before. What the devil happened here? I've assembled that rifle a million times. Well, I don't know if it's just the rifle. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing. Brian, if you've got something to say to me... All right, I think you're going soft.

Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable. I hate vegetables.

Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois.

I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs."

makes me want to vomit. Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother.

(Lois) Oh, Mel!

I've lived in Quahog my whole life. I love it here. And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. Scumbag. All right, Lois, remember to feed the cat, and remember to get a cat. I still don't understand why you got to go all the way to Hollywood.

Come on down, Quagmire, you're staying with us. Oh, great. This is going to be worse than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin. (FARTING) Hi, Stewie. (FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there.

Daddy? Oh, God!

(YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland. (LAUGHING)

Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

Hey, I found the pool cues. (SCREAMS) Meg? Looks like I'm all alone. Well, hey, that's all right. I watch a lot of movies. I can just use my imagination.

You're gonna spoil your dinner.

Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. What's that, Peter? Nothing. Oh, The lost-my-job smells great. What? Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence? Peter, are you feeling ok? I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.

Oh, Sandy! Ohhh... Sandy? Oh, Not again. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Or am I?

That, too.

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad. Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin.

Hello. Hey, Lois, what's up? Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up at the end of my shift. Oh, gotta go. First fare of the night. I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

Do you mind taking off your sunglasses?

Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one!

You know, I've been coming to this church for years. I've heard all the stories. Who did Jesus hang around with? Mary Magdalene. And who was she? A prostitute. Which means, if they had cameras back then, I bet she would have done a porno. (ALL CLAMORING)

Why does it remind you of Thanksgiving? Because this is where I come for Thanksgiving. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? We've reached that part of the evening when our house champion takes on all challengers. Any of you lovely ladies like to try your hand in the ring? Hey, Lois, what do you think? You want to fight that lady's boobs? What? No. I'm not fighting anyone.

Wow, Meg and Chris, I can't decide which one of your hats I like better! (BOTH GASP) I can't believe you got a new dog. What about me? Hey, you're still my buddy. New Brian is just a new friend for the family. Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor.

Is this improv? Are you doing improv?

Oh, Rush, thank God. Boy, you got down here quick. Yeah, I keep Strom Thurmond's corpse in the front seat, so I can use the carpool lane. Oh. Okay, well, come on, let's go home. Great idea. Time for you to go home. Home to the Griffins. What do you mean? That's where you belong, Brian.

Right into the bumper.

You did it, Stewie. You did it. (SIGHS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Uh, can I help you?

Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea. Well, I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there," but then you fold in the side-view mirrors and sure enough, "Well, look at that." Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car. Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.

Oh, what are we gonna do? They're gonna keep us locked up here forever! We're not staying in here forever. We're getting out of here. How? We're breaking out. What? Look, sometimes in life, you got to say, "What the hell," and just go for it.

I don't want to be a Scout, Dad. I just don't have fun there. I guess you're pretty disappointed in me. Well, Yeah! Dad, this is what I really like to do. What? You want to draw? aw, jeez, Son, why don't you just stick a knife in my heart? I mean, so you drew this?

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois? Now we know what to get him for Christmas. I love the holidays. Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control. He's terrorizing the whole family. Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he did to Meg yesterday.

It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.

taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born. (ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?

Ah, it was okay. Except for that Yokohama beef bowl I tried for lunch. Not sitting so well. Just "okay"? Didn't try anything new today?

(SCREAMS IN PAIN) Wait a minute. Who are you? I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir. Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry."

A bar mitzvah! Perfect. How much for one of those? You can't just buy a bar mitzvah. It requires a lot of study. Can't we skip that part? I mean, come on, If Chris knew how to study, he wouldn't need to become Jewish in the first place, right? Right?

What's going on down here? Uh, We're playing house. That boy is all tied up. Roman Polanski's house.

NARRATOR: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained... by two separate yet equally important types of shows. Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of e veryda y situa tions. ' ' like trying to fix your own plumbing or in Viting two dates to the same dance. And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.

How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

You know Neil Patrick Harris got the job on How I Met Your Mother 'cause of that movie? You know, I've only seen that show once, but I gotta tell you, what's really weird to me is why is the voice of the guy from the future Bob Saget? I mean, the guy on the show, he's already an adult, you know? So it's not like he's gonna grow into Bob Saget.

Hey, I saw your sign. - So, you're open? - That's right. - What do you do? - What do you need? - Milk. - We have milk.

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat It really hurts bad And so do skin grafts Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell

Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair." Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair. What's that supposed to mean? Say, "I bet you can't get a boner." I bet you can't get a boner. That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one. Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome.

Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no! oh, That was Brian's favorite commercial. "Brian"? "Brian"? No, it's not ringing a bell. Stop it! We all miss him. Go find him, apologize, and bring him home. You heard him. He doesn't want to be a part of this family.

I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up. All right, can we go now?

no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite.

Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese.

Ah, I've seen better. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet. Hey, You're getting some looks yourself. Ah, i--I'm not ready either.

Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit? All right, ladies and gentlemen.

That was awesome!

Right, Giant Robot?

Hello, Santa.

Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye.

I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt. What is it, Lois? I was watching... Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing?

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Come on, kids! We got to get down to that TV studio! Okay, yeah, just step on the coloring book. That's cool. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower. The elephant's trunk was on full blast.

Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me.

Hi, Kyle.

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart!

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi!

Lando's cool Yeah!

No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair. Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points. But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose?

Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.

Hey, Meg. What are you doing here? Listen, Sarah, I got to get something off my chest. Wes! " need to open up. Sweet. So get ready 'cause here it is.

(SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story?

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money?

(MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far? What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building. This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have,

(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary.

Your name's Peter. Yeah! You're right, it is. Ha! Ha! Ha! Peter.

I am gonna party my ass off in here.

Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved!

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just... (BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash! (ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this.

Sweetie, that's tuna salad.

You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

She's like your mom or something? Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose? Here, baby. I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about. Brian, would you-- Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs! Wait! Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite!

Zero chance. (THUNDER RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) It's a boy! Victory shall be mine!

Uh...

and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris! We gotta call the sheriff! Holy crap! I'm on it, Lois! Sheriff's Office. Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin.

Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken all my business. Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this?

does that make you a Snausage?

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay? (GRUNTING)

G-27.

Friends, family, and characters random, to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention. Ah, I love summer.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right.

(GUNSHOT) That's for shooting one of our guys!

Don't worry, Lois, we'll catch him. Hobey, radio for backup. Uh... Hello? DISPATCHER: This is dispatch, go ahead. Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way!

All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

Ach! Unsere Unterseeboot sind stehlen mit eine dog und baby und Art Garfunkel! Everybody hang on.

Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them. I mean, how would you feel? Well, right now I feel like a jerk. Peter, if you really do care about your kids, you're gonna have to earn back their respect and affection. How do I do that? You gotta spend time with them and make their interests your interests.

You know, I'm really... I'm sensing something here that... I should be going. No, how about you stay here and I leave and never come back again? Stewie, this isn't how I wanted it to end. But you did want it to end. You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine.

This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner city immigrants. (LATINO MUSIC PLAYING) (GUN FIRING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Ow!

God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

All right, start the torture. (WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off!

Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia.

Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards! Well, it's--it's not an instrument! It's more of an object!

but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.

There's treachery afoot! Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint.

Peter, Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here. Yeah. Let's hit the bar, huh? Oh, Come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs. Oh, He's behind the door!

I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

(APPLAUDING) Hello, darling Nice to see you It's been a long time You're just as lovely as you used to be

Help me, please! Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING)

I don't have a landing permit. I'm trying to reach Lando Calrissian. What the hell's he firing at me for? I told you not to shoot. Well, you're not in charge. I am. Well, I'm steering. No, I'm steering. No, I am. I have a steering wheel. So do I. There's two. Well, that's stupid. I know. I know, too. That's why I said it. Oh! We lost them. This is going in my report. No, it's going in my report.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Nice to meet you all. (CHUCKLES) You sound like the crab from Little Mermaid. I had crabs once. It's awful. You got to buy that cream that comes with a little comb. Of course I can still use the comb. Well, that's Quagmire.

I love it!

(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)

Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers?

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking, and I just don't want to engage.

Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff.

Hey, what are you guys doing here? (GROWLING) Artoo, play him the message. Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.

Hey, gang, I'm Aquaman. Get back together. Boop-boop-boop boop-boop-boop-boop. That's not Aquaman! Billy, what is going on? Let me answer that. Look, Joanne, Billy had nothing to do with this. It was just a dumb plan my buddies and I put together because we know how much Billy loves you.

I am quite finished.

House. Roadhouse.

I flew today.

Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING) Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A

What the deuce do you think you're doing? Back off, fat man!

(CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college. And now to present the award for Sickest Onscreen Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness, Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls. Yay, Jesus! That's my buddy, Jesus.

A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat I got blisters on me fingers!

I've been dry for 2 weeks now. Mazel tov. Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. And thank you. Look, I know Stacy isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her. Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey!

That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma?

Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD. What the hell was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks. Are you kidding? I learned from the bEst. Come on, buddy. We're dropping anchor in Jamaica! Oh, Great! We're getting closer to Rhode Island.

Aft torpedoes, fire!

No. No. Doggy afuera. You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Listen, I don't want to point fingers, but I'm missing about $1,000 in play money. I take. What? You took it? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back! Come get, bitch.

"Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school?

I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see what you crazy girls are gonna do while I'm gone, but just remember this is a residence and should be treated as such. And if you girls drink anything, there's recycling under the sink in the kitchen. Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do? Yeah, this doesn't seem like much of a party.

(ORGAN PLAYING) If we praise Jesus by singing all together It makes this whole exercise seem less bizarre

(MONSTER SNARLING) (LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS)

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

(LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy.

Oh-oh.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look.

Tell Uncle Owen not to tell you that your father is Darth Vader.

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING)

Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake?

There's one of them now. Take that for stealing jobs from hardworking people! (SCREAMING) Dad, what the hell are you doing? We got a message for you. "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it." Actually, Peter... Gattaca! Gattaca!

Hey, Brian, care to place a wager? Tomorrow night on Fox's Celebrity Boxing, I've got Carol Channing beating Mike Tyson in three rounds. Carol Channing. You've got Carol Channing, the actress, beating Mike Tyson, the boxer. Hell, give me $50 on Tyson.

Eli's father, Ezekiel, said that I can't see him anymore! He said I was trying to corrupt his son. He did, did he? Well, that does it! We are gonna teach this town how to dance!

(SOBBING)

You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.

Say Meg, looking sharp. You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?

Playing songs on the harp. Of course most of them are about rape, but it's still nice.

Oh, there you are. That was the worst night of my life.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh!

(BEEPING) Hmm.

Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God!

Duh, it's an apple. Good, good, good. All right, watch this. What the... What is this? Is this some kind of gag? - No. That's orbit. - Huh? You have your own gravitational pull. Oh, that's a bunch of crap.

So, you all set to go hunting?

Do you like yours with crust or without? How do you like yours? Ok, Let's both answer at the same time. 1, 2, 3. Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff? Sure. Lois, I'm gonna borrow your Mace. Ah! That's better.

(SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(SNIFFING) Are you serving fish this evening?

What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby, when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch? Oliver, did you break this vase? No. The floor did. He's so cute. Hey, everybody. I-- Bobby, you get back in the garage! Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow!

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody!

I'm already bored and confused.

So you can fuck dogs? I'll print up for you what I have so far. Okay, I'm gonna go in there with her. You just sit out here and be quiet. Here, watch one of her movies or something.

Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you!

(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I... I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but...

Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you?

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible.

Yeah. Despite all the ups and downs, things turned out for the best. I mean, really, we're no worse off than we were before. Plus, we learned something. And you can't put a price on that. Look, Lois, we all know what happened. We're all depressed. All right, let's just go to different rooms and stare blankly out the window, saying nothing.

Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?

(MESS AROUND PLAYING) Mess around They doing the mess around They doing the mess around Everybody doing the mess around

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

Peter, I'm interested in the redhead with the wooden arms and legs over there. You think you could introduce me? That's a table, Seamus. Don't point at her. Don't point. She's looking. Oh, great. Now I gotta go in. Hey, I'm Seamus.

Party oF 5? Was that a porno? Hey--hey, Don't worry about it. Sometimes You gotta do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent. Oh, The food here is fantastic. This is where I took Lois on our first date. You ordered a pie for an appetizer? Oh, yeah, Don't worry. I'll go to the john and fire 1 out in about 5 minutes.

Now I'm Pat Boone.

Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now,

Rhode Island? Forget that.

Peter, we have to talk. We haven't had sex since your vasectomy. Yeah, I just don't feel like it, Lois, seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore. Honey, it was just a simple operation.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil. Honey, good news! I made partner!

Brian, be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the sky. What? I said, "Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

(URINATING)

A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now!

By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn. Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.

Oh, Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh--oh, sorry, His "biatch." Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money.

And, oh, we got a hot one today. (ALL SINGING) Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?

No! You bastards! (CRYING)

I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up! Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game. Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, My God! Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! - Look, buddy, I--i-- - Move! A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry That's right. Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island

Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game. Oh, God. The pressure's too much. I just lost control of my bladder. Why didn't I clothespin the end of my penis like Muriel told me to?

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg.

All right, Jillian, since I'm giving you away on your wedding day, I want to make sure it all goes off without a hitch. Now, what are your thoughts on a wedding singer? I thought that maybe I would just DJ the wedding myself. I already made a playlist on this. A box of Junior Mints? This isn't an iPod? Your Junior Mints play MP3s? My iPod is chocolate?

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

Only one way to find out.

I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News. Great story, Lois. Thanks. I just made it up. You know, I've been doing this job a long time, and I think you've got what it takes. (CHUCKLES) You're kidding. Really? Yes. How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter? (CHUCKLING) You know, I came down here not even thinking I had a shot.

Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes. Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.

This is dated last year. I just... I just had it lying around. (SIGHS) I don't know. Goes against everything I believe in. But at this point, I'm willing to try anything. (SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON RADIO) I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet

Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump

I mean those big, "Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys, not the "fix up your house" gay guys. Peter, shh! It's starting. You must be Autumn Daniels. Welcome to Barncliffe school for girls. We're your roommates. I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy.

Could you be more specific? Uh, oh, let's see. Uh, he always wears cheap cologne. Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard. Uh, never pays his alimony. Uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out. There he is. Thanks anyway. Hey, Reggie!

I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch.

Thanks. My God, she's incredible. Rupert, I must bring her back to the present and raise her to be my wife. Oh, God, I bet that diaper is soaking wet. I can't let her get away! Oh, hi.

so you'd look better by comparison. That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah! Surprise! Uh, Everything looks the same. Oh, It looks the same, but actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean.

Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Melon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know!

Like sweet Mickey Rourke and his gorgeous right-wing scars Chuck Norris is one And he's got a right-wing beard Jon Voight is another He's just right-wing weird His daughter's pretty hot, though. At one time, Brian. At one time.

PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes. LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah. LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah. LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth.

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

I'll just keep it in my pocket. Any other questions? Let's do this. That wasn't a question. Back of the line. Okay, let's do this. JOE: Hey. Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS. Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes.

Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger? Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him!

Say what, what! Ha! Ha! Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality? Shut up, Brian. I am part of a very special community now. People with mustaches look out for each other. Hey. Oh, hey! MAN: Hey!

JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Oh, i--I'm sorry. No, th-that was good. I just, i--i didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it. Well, how--How would you read it? Oh, I don't know. I was thinking of doing it, you know, good, like--like an actor. But, you know, y-your way's good, too. You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct.

CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes. Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"?

Come on, they're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit. Be careful, Meg. (MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

You can't eat a stapler--

Emperor! Great to see you!

Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady?

Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard!

Just like Inspector Gadget forgot about that one-night stand. Suzanne, we have to talk. Okay. Someone has made contact with me. Someone from my past, and, well, long story short, go, go, Guatemalan son.

(SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS)

(MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome!

That's--That's not a riddle. That's... That's just terrible!

Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin! All right, Chris, have a seat.

Meg, you're here early. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.

MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary! You must remember this A kiss is still a kiss

You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone!

Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business. Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

and we're going with Lois. With Lois? Oh, yeah, we've actually been having a great time with her. And she's quite a bowler, too. Is that all right, Peter? Do you mind if I go to the game with the guys? Yeah, no, that's fine. I mean, yeah, you only got three tickets. I mean, that's cool. Have fun. Okay, we'll see you later.

Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite. You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

(KNOCKING) No, yeah. No, I know it's late. I just need some tropical fish food. Come on. Where the hell am I supposed to go? You're in there! Don't worry, fish. I'm gonna take care of you, 'cause I know one day you'll do the same for me.

(GRUNTS) I don't even want this now. Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS)

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Stewie, look! A butterfly.

(BOTH GROANING)

I think my name might be Shirt Pants. Shirt Pants? What kind of name is that? I don't know. What's your name? I kinda think it's Manly Walker. Wheeler? No, Walker. Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right. It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know.

one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck. Uh-oh. This is not good. We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm?

This is a favorite by Men at Work. Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie!

Listen, I got to go. Really? Don't worry. You'll see me again. Good job, Brian. Don't worry. I'll help you through this. So, you wanna get something to eat? Can we go someplace where the menus have pictures of the food? Let's go someplace where the menus have pictures of food!

Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes! I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume.

Dennis, you jealous douche,

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Hey, can I borrow 50 marks? Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week? Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap. Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that? Look, I'm going to do a rally. I'll be back in an hour.

My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.

What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision. Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you.

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck. Boy, I've never been in the owner's box.

Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck. Okay, Stewie, time for bed.

You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush.

But you did want it to end. You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine. (SNIFFING) Is that smoke? (GASPING) Idea for a farce, cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive. (LAUGHING)

Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot!

Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe this is happening to me. Looks like someone could use a greeting card to cheer them up. I put these on my tab. Here, take a Far Side one. The vulture thinks he's a cowboy. It's kind of funny. Hey, Peter, you got a card for if you transferred VD to somebody?

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

I think it'll be very educational for the kids. Look, there's two of 'em with a baby! Isn't that hilarious? They think they're its parents.

who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s.

Real happiness because we have each other. Yeah.

Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite. Oh, Really? I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns.

Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three? Yep. One, two... One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it!

I'm just sorry I never got to make out with her. She would have crushed your scrota into a diamond with her robot-strength hand. Come on, let's get out of here. All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb... (SHUSHING) Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim.

Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.

Forget it, Carter! Even Stewie says the book is good enough on its own. Right, Stewie? (GROANING HESITANTLY) Maybe do a song about why pot is bad. And that's why pot is bad (ALL CHEERING) I've heard all I need to make an informed decision.

The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, and everyone was making up their Christmas lists. (JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

maybe some that aren't so happy.

It's all coming together. It's all coming together. This is it. Our vision come to life. I know.

Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money. But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Mr. Griffin, are you ok? I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5. It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund.

Nope, Texas state law. You have a nice day now. State law? God, this place officially sucks worse than the WNBA. And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult.

(BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house.

Whoa! Whoa! How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues.

I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't very good, but he ate it anyway. And then she got mad at him 'cause he gave her a funny look. I miss Ray. (GROANS) I can't believe Chris would just buy into that army recruiter's sales pitch. We can't let him enlist. Don't worry, Lois.

And it served his legend well (CROWD CHEERING) For the folks, they loved to tell About when Billy the Kid came to town

Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen. I'm so glad you like it, Chris. Would you like to try? Oh, boy, would I?

that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children? uh, uh... Brian should be allowed to see his puppies! Peter, think about what you're doing.

Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story, Meg. It's not a sob story! It's true! Oh, come on! You think I was born yesterday? I've dated convicts. I know how they talk. One day they're promising you the world, the next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during conjugal visits. Luke doesn't do drugs!

Hey, you. Hit me. There. Now, if I can just find a midget with some gin, I'll be in business. Hey, Where are you off to? I gotta make things right for Lois and get this monkey off my back. Ow! Knock it off! Hey! Hey! All right, men, the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb. Today he comes for me,

No, thanks. Rita and I grabbed a bite already.

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

(RETCHING)

No, Glenn, that's not...

Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!

Hey, Peter, what are you gonna tell Lois when she asks where you were tonight? Don't worry, I got it all covered. (BRAYING) (BRAYS IN REPLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!

And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah. You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. It's about pissing off Daddy. That's right. She's got a lot of problems. - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter. - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question.

I was just being colorful with the rest of it. Well, maybe you should go talk to Glenn about it. I mean, especially if he has no idea. I guess I could, but I don't know if it'll do any good, Lois. He's in complete denial, like people in massive debt. Well, honey, I've extended our line of credit and exhausted all our savings. We should be good for another month. Oh, that's great, honey.

If you're really sincere If you're really sincere If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right! Oh, baby! Oh, honey! Hug me! Suffer! (EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck. The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that.

I love you You'll never know just how much I care Yeah! And if I try, I still

You never want to meet those phone sex women in person. Yeah, I know, that's what I said. I wouldn't do it. Good. Don't. Joe, Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I'm already not doing! Okay, I know you should never meet a phone sex operator. All right? I'm not an idiot. I would never meet one of those people, ever. Good. Don't.

Boy, eight months on patrol and nothing. You know, Rupert, I miss the Earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space... (ALARM WAILING) Uh-oh, Rupert, we've got company, and I don't think it's the Avon Lady.

but they're all bears on unicycles? Bears on unicycles, every one.

(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!

You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got

"Super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box "that will be delivered into the house."

But I can't do anything about it. My device has been destroyed. Well, I've got one of my own. I can use it to send you back. Hold on, I'll get it. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! Who is it? I got it! - Morning, Peter. - Hey, Joe. Bonnie and I are having company tonight. Wondering if I could borrow some wet food. Yeah, sure thing. That's Joe. He's our local human catcher.

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops.

You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole. Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right? Okay, for real now.

Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming.

All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet. Do I... Do I hit him? No! Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you?

Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick. Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his. Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch? I don't understand what... Oh, wait. What? Really? Hey, Stewie! STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard!

And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy? Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here! Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is.

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops!

You guys, I think, for the time being,

(LAUGHING) What? Anyway, the Navy is honoring him at this year's Naval Ball for all his bravery in Vietnam. Wow, you must be proud.

Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished. But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Husband? Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Come here, baby. Let's head upstairs and play hide-and-go-anal. (LOIS LAUGHING) Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up. I think I can explain it to you, Peter.

Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me!

Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!

Just practicing for Christmas. But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian. Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him. Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian. How can he be Asian?

I'm here for the boy. Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me?

but you're so good at cursive.

What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.

Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. You ever try to make an iPod? I've got orders for millions of 'em!

prompting a new slogan, "Once you go black, you go deaf." Sounds like there's a pattern developing, Tom. Oh, a pattern developing? Well, Diane, I guess you've learned a lot from staring lifelessly at TV reruns of CSI over the thrusting shoulders of whatever drifter you drag into your bedroom on whatever night CSI is on.

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

But I'm the only one who can see him and hear him... so I'll let everyone know what he's saying and doing. Objection, Your Honor. This is ridiculous. Overruled. I'll allow it. You better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin. Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies... did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day?

Plus we tally your text votes for the Biggest Whiff! and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What? Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way.

Carter, as your boss, I command you to have a viewing party for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory,

Chewie, get away from... (EXCLAIMS) How are we going to get out of here? Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

No. You walk over there and he squirts you with a squirt gun. (LAUGHING)

Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed. Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ!

Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait!

You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn! Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened.

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.

Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it! Who else? (ALL LAUGHING)

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian. You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night.

I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes.

I got to tell you though, I've read four chapters of this and it's not sexy at all. "Much Ado About Humping." Well, sounds sexy. Peter, would you put that away? I don't like you reading smut at the table. Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois. "He rubbed her shoulder sensually." What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder.

No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

GIRL: Ball, please. Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks. My God, she's incredible.

Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No. Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent. (SIGHS) Question number two. Complete this sentence. "The land of the free and the home of the blank." Home of the Whopper? You've got to be kidding me.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

I'm just waiting, dude. Relax.

Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable! Oh! Clumsy oaf! Michael Flatley must be turning over is in his grave. Wait a minute. He's not dead yet. "Michael Flatley."

He knows every dirty joke ever written.

Right into the bumper.

Griffin, dead? I take. No, no, they might be dead. They also might still be alive. Is okay, I take.

Quagmire, what the hell are you doing? I'm just letting all these hot-rodders know that this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track. Too fast, too fast! Our children should not have to live in fear! Okay, well, how come you're not doing this in front of your own house? Oh, my ham radio interferes with the radar gun. Talked to a fella in Papua New Guinea last night. You should come by sometime and join in the fun.

Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy. (GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE PLAYING) I don't believe in frettin' and grievin' Why mess around with strife?

f hate you! f hate you!

AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

so I brought you this. Wow! Miss December! Yep, the old skin bin. Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal!

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

(LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam.

(CRYING) Because he asked! That's right, Dad. You never ask.

Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING)

PETER: Michael was one of our brothers. He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a fat man. And now he's a dead man. And we're all next. The Fat Guy Strangler's gonna get us. He's right. Oh, my God. We're finished. Will someone tie my shoe? People, people! I know what will make us feel better. Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.

My God, this house is freakin' sweet

But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that--

Turkey! Ahh! Oh, Lois, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose,

If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

They shine like sunny weather And they're close enough together That if they should so desire to create a little fire They could reach across her nose and give each other a kiss

Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages! mm-hmm. Yeah, then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there yourselves. Maybe we will.

So I turned it down.

Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team. That's a winner in my book. Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady. - Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah. - Can you move your legs? - Yeah! Oh, good. I thought you were gonna be a vegetable,

Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead. And he must let the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse? Lois, go grab me another bag of Skittles. - Excuse me, young lady? - Did I freaking stutter? " said more Skittles. All right. That is it, Meg.

Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward. It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it? What the hell?

What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? I swear to God, Peter! You call her "Lois." Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd--

Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. (ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure. Brian, what hell? Hot lady next to wheel. Make me want wheel.

(SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention!

Yeah, but this one comes with your own company SUCK-UP. Morning, Mr. griffin. Nice day. Ah, It's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie. I hate this tie. It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go. And I hate myself.

I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom. Look, there he is. Dad, how could you? Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail, can we go in your room? Look, don't you kids buy any of this for a second. Your father is innocent. Oh, he killed her.

Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling. Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh!

Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me.

Just let me close my eyes for a minute. Look, I know his wife is a smoker. Just yesterday, when we saw her at the country club... she had a cigarette in her hand. What, so that's it, Peter? You're just giving up?

And now our next item. Direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat. Oh, man! That's perfect! $12,000! $13,000! $25,000! uh, Sold for $25,000! Yes! Aw, Crap! Thanks.

Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at?

Are you trying out for flag girl? Yes! I win again, Andy. Come on, mate. One more before the missus notices I'm not snoozin' on the couch. Too late!

Oh, Reginald! I disagree!

(CROWD CHEERING) I'll finish it later. Yay!

Oh, my God! Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable.

Hey, New Brian. I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it?

Oh, How I envy them, dog. They've got their whole lives ahead of them. Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people. Nobody will buy it. There are no sharks out here. Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to, but I'm watching my weight 'cause I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again. Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one...

I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris. Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my!

They talked a lot more crap about you after you left. Oh, God, that was just terrible. Terrible. Wow, I don't understand. Stewie, what happened to the play you wrote? That was terrible. Well, I gave it a final polish.

Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast! I'm so worried about your father.

Peter, the operation was a complete success! What are you going to do now? The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise!

I'm passing the story on to you.

Over here, Paul! Oh, good, there you are. It's pretty here! Yes, it is.

So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?

Oh, maid. Oh, my God! Everybody, this is Joan. Hi. Hello.

OH... Let's not do this.

You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth, we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

He helped me get an A in algebra!

thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here! SecurITy bReach! Security breach! I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls.

There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall!

Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now? (PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either.

I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling!

But tha-that doesn't sound right. Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those! Hey--hey! Ow! Knock it off! H-hey! Get away from me, you dead crooner!

I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--

Quick, Brian, into the time machine!

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois.

WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning. - FM. - Cool. WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning. On 97.1. 97.1.

Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like. And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man. Not less. Now, get the hell out of my town.

These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn!

Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there? That's right. Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop. Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop! I need a plastic bag. Here's a thin napkin.

I don't want them. Take them.

Come on, we're all just trying to have a good time.

(SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am. (LAUGHING) Yes, Officer. - You are such a dirty cop. - Don't break those yolks, ma'am. Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you. I know. Now stick your finger in there and twist it.

('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING) Wow! It looks like Michael Jackson's coming right at me.

I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants. (GRUNTS) All right, you kids finish him off.

(CHUCKLING SHEEPISHLY) Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your lives. Uh... Yeah, I didn't read it. Hey, so you're the guy. (LAUGHS) It's actually... It's actually very popular.

A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal!

They're just jealous. Ugh. You're next. Hey, w-Wait a minute. Wait. We were next! Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey! You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get the video camera out and make our own show. I don't wanna! Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal!

Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well. The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared. Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't!

Looking good. Almost done. And there. Done. (WOMEN GASP) What have you done? I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today. Not according to my paperwork. Says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I got to tell you, I always thought it would be rectal trauma. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies.

Heh!

I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion. (MUSIC PLAYING) Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me.

I wasn't ready. Hi! (EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett. Very well, Solo, if you won't talk,

"I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits." Oh, look, they got a translation for white people.

(SENSOR BEEPING) Wait a minute, Rupert, there's a weapons systems cooling duct on the far side of the hull. If we can get just one good shot at it, we can blow that fat bastard out of the cosmos.

A very good-- Keep it above the waist, Doc.

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally.

(LAUGHING) Where's this guy been?

Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened? The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose. Oh, crap. And I was going to watch G.I. Jose.

Cut my milk! I can't, sir. It's liquid. Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy for you! Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus. Yeah, Filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one. Meg, that's a terrible thing to say.

Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it, and I got lucky. But someone else could hurt themselves, and a small cut is a death sentence in these times, so let's just, you know, let's... Let's get these rocks out of here.

"But you've already..."

So, how does he check out, Doc? Is my boy ready to compete? Um, I don't quite know how to tell you this, Mr. Swanson. You're paralyzed from the waist down.

Listen, I got to go.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is.

What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold. Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail? No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass! Yeah? Well, That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseaseS!

You know, it's like from the commercial. This big. Only it's my junk. All right, then. $12.43. Jeez, that's more of a rip-off than that breakfast machine I bought.

Hi. How's it going? Oh, God. I know karate! Look! A tasty little baby! I see somebody's been neutered.

Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. Hey, guys! Th-There's no more girlie magazines in the can! All they got is this--this David Copperfield! W-w-Wait, any pictures of his girlfriend? No! No pictures at all! I think we should go. Yes. This is a dark and evil place.

There's only one place in town you need to observe.

Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that? I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball! Oh, no. I'll wait. Oh, You finished? I'm sorry. you know, It's my fault, really.

Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin', and the victim's name is "theater." This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland!

Brooke, what are you doing here? Oh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those? You know, I don't even know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me. I'd much rather just be home listening to my old jazz records.

(CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch. (FART) MAN ON TV: We now return to Britain's most popular game show...

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore,

Give us the pills! Hey-oh mother africa oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco!

I'm leaving tomorrow.

How was school? Horrible. There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my backup guy had plans. Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. (STAMMERING) Oh, I... Hang on.

He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb! Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR.

Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest toy, Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style, with his little hat and his Doc Martens. Uh, Thank you, Peter, that's enough. Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances!

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well.

Fucking idiot.

in local news, a new drug craze may have quahog students licked. It's called "Toad." The Colombian Spotted Toad, to be precise, Diane. When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria that's--that's just great!

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl who loves abortion as much as you do. That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy. Oh, things will work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911. MAN: You think it's easy working all day?

Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.

Yeah. And that's Connie. I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids.

Coming up, children are getting sexier, and that's...

Wow! You certainly are very persuasive. So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips? Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it. You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull. Uh, I'm not breast-feeding. All right, fine. God, you're pushy. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck. Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance. What's wrong with you? Look at me, everybody.

Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy! So We're not going just because some little pissant tells us to. I demand to see the owner! That's me. I'm Bob Funland. What? Y-You own this whole place? That's right! This place is my legacy!

Hey, Lois told me there was some funny business. Yeah, what of it? Well, it's just... I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and... Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years?

I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio. Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on!

All right, let's do it. Both of you are under arrest for prostitution. It's not prostitution. You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day.

Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. Oh, that's very Christian. - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you." - Now you're getting it.

I have a secret to tell you. What is it? Come closer. I see good food at competitive prices. At Big Pete's House of Munch. Stop on by. Unfortunately, they couldn't air it, 'cause it turns out M. Night Shyamalan was involved with September 11th.

I... I lost my temper onstage. I... I got heckled, and went into a rage and said some very nasty things to some Afro-Americans. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Stop laughing. It's not funny.

Oh, check out this uptight Asian guy. Look at that. (SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY) "I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)

Yeah! And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you You oughta know for haven't I told you so? Ok, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now.

Oh! Hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-along. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOCALIZING IN TUNE)

This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me.

We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor. Our apologies, sir. I should imagine so. Now if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct. (CREAKING) Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose.

I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this. Maybe this was all a big mistake. You're damn right it was. Why did I ever agree to do this? This isn't who I am. I looked in the mirror this morning, and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before. Hi. Scott Bakula. Just take it easy, Quagmire. There's nothing to worry about.

Slow down! I want to get there, but I want to get there alive!

PETER'S DAD: Peter!

Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida.

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, my God, how embarrassing! Look how much fun I am!

Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies. So the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete. You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me. Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead.

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird.

like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at... the bar. So just put my dinner in the fridge and I'll heat it up later. Love you.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

(BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

every night of the week for the rest of my life.

For those of you wondering what I've been writing down as we go to commercial, it's a cat. Just a cat.

Okay, religion. Religion! You kill me, I kill you, we both go to Heaven! Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil."

Hey, I've already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen.

In fact, Peter taught me that.

And the visions of our minds are in the valleys which are valleys And the oceans and a camel and my new socks and a book Hey, Meg, check it out. I'm gonna jump that fire hydrant. Chris, don't! You're gonna wreck Dad's bike!

Mom, there's a row open up there. Oh, good, I like sitting in the front. Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps.

So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car!

Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly (LOUD CRACK)

(FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there. Hey, listen, I really want to thank you guys for taking me in, in my time of need. Oh, forget it, Quagmire. It's the least we could do after what happened. (PHONE RINGING)

Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

Of the session. Oh, no. There's a policeman coming. (ALL GASP) All right, everybody, you know what to do. Alcoholics, transform.

How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up?

(BOTH GIGGLING) ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch. You're so pretty. I miss you.

I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself. But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy. ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch," text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2.

because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together. I won't, Brian! Now you get your ass back into that hippie car of yours and take me to the North Pole, now! Look, I know you're upset. Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus? Screw that.

Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me, "and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff.

(GRUNTS) (HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS) (SCREAMS)

(ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither.

I know. I feel the same way, but we made a decision to be abstinent. Of course, there are ways we can keep our pledge and still do other things. You're right.

and when you touched Chris, you passed it on. - Kneel before Christ! - Ah! (CHUCKLING) Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar?

Look, I don't know what I was doing before, but this is the way man was meant to live. I just know it. Check it out. (BOTH MOANING) Don't you miss your family? What, that lady and those kids? I don't even remember them. How could I miss them? I almost don't want to ask you out because I know you're gonna say no. You want to go out? No? Okay.

...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless. Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you. You're my sister.

Hey, fellas! Guess what?

Yeah, not to mention the theater.

Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know.

Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets. Hey, Swedish Chef. Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on? I'm hungry. Oh, that's no problem. I could cook you something. You want some spaghetti? That's like my specialty in junk. Yay!

There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip. There ain't nothing funny about four pictures of the Capitol Building and all that writing. What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois. Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about.

Doo-bee-doo-wah doo-wah When life is getting to you put some fresh in your life Let Mintos freshen up your life

"And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up "and put myself in the garbage."

You need a little balance in your life. There are other things to appreciate besides television. You mean like this lamp? Well, Yeah. Ok. The lamp gives us light. I get it. And your family gives you love. You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.

Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage. we've got 5 days left, and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. "Have you hidden my hatchet?" "'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?"

And now that she needs my support, here I am abandoning her. (GASPING) Oh, my God. Peter, I've made a terrible mistake. Well, that's what I tried to tell you, but you were as stubborn as a pigeon at an ad agency. (CHATTERING INDISCERNIBLY) Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, these are all good ideas,

You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

(SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely. I mean, look at this. Aladdin 4: Jafar May Need Glasses. Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) Number one, number two.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what, I just... I hope I didn't hurt you because I'd feel terrible about that. No, no, no. I'm all right.

Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans.

Quagmire, are you nuts? This is a men's club. There's the problem. The ratio be terrible. It's a total mast-fest in here. You know, I kind of agree. Yeah, this is sort of lame.

About 40 years ago, I was vacationing in Ireland and I met a young rogue named Mickey McFinnegan. Peter, Mickey is your real father. Oh, my God. I got to find him. To Ireland.

I want only positive feedback, please. Why does he have such a big red bum? Because it's funny, Meg! People will tune in to Handiquacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it. Why? Because it's relatable. They'll see themselves in it. I think the design is great, Dad.

Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby. Fire! Uh-oh.

You need someone to work with and... Well, I need someone to make me look good. I don't know. Fine! Refuse my offer. Get booted out of this place and wind up like Linda Evans. Linda Evans, we have A spill in Aisle 9. Linda Evans, spill in Aisle 9.

I'm here for the boy.

And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her. Meg, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him. He's down by the old town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill!

(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN: I swear to God! You keep him away from me! JOE: Got 'em. Aw, they got tuckered out. Of course they did, they ran, like, two miles for them.

First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one! All right, first scene up is on page 12. Everybody, this is our new Jolly Farm resident, Karina Smirnoff. She'll be playing the role of Mary. Hello.

I said get lost! Where's he going? Dad! Let him go, kids. You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE! Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it!

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing!

That ought to show you!

(BOTH WHOOPING) I think we got a show. Oh, yeah, we got a show. We definitely got a show. Oh, yeah, there's a show. MAN ON TAPE: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is,

Charles Dickens, Albert Einstein.

See, to Peter, Connie Demico is really Phoebe Diamond, The most popular girl when he was in school. Oh My God, Lois! I think he's right. 'C-c-cause When I'm trying to speed things up in bed, I'm not thinkin' of Connie, I'm thinkin' of Phoebe. Ok, This whole thing is ridiculous! I forbid you from going to that dance! You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom! End of discussion!

What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time.

Can we please talk about Peter? He has so much to live for, Death. He loves his children and mE-- Ok, Ok. I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift. What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.

chalice cup of wine and a midget, but I ain't going out there with all them monsters out there! (SOBBING) Daddy, what happened to you? I can't live without the country club. You did this, Peter! This is all your fault! I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years.

I must say I do feel a strange satisfaction... watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins. Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited. The black ball's done nothing wrong. If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.

(CHUCKLES) He's too big for that car. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING)

Sometimes we all need to forgive!

Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya!

BOTH: It's old man Barney Frank! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Republicans. Thanks for all your help, Globetrotters. That was a cold swish. Put her there. No, no, no, no. (ALL LAUGHING)

(STUTTERS) All those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences. Are you? Are you a better person? What's your point, Meg? My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, (SCOFFS) somehow, you have the nerve,

He told me you killed him. No, I... Hang on. Spoiler alert. Okay. No, I am your father. Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects... What?

We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops. Hey, It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner. But Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." Hey, How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? How about that?

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.

(SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door.

Laugh and cry

My son got into DeVry. Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything?

All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued? All right. Fantastic then. Wait. You know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out.

Therefore, there's only one thing to do.

Thanks, SPIDER-MAN.

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something,

Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back.

(AS KARINA) Yes, well, that gives you no right to be a blaggard! Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that?

Consuela, I'm sorry, but this is not working out. We're asking you to go. No. I stay. I clean. You don't understand. You're fired. No. I keep job. Here. Here's $40 if you leave right now. No. I stay. God, she's more stubborn than you are!

It's just doing a lot of loop-de-loops.

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was a big joke. (INHALES DEEPLY) I'd, um... I'd just like...

Well, I'd do a better job of it than you! Oh, you think so, huh? Well, maybe you'd like to try it for a little while. You be the adults! What do you mean? I mean, maybe we try a little experiment. You kids switch places with your dad and me. For the next week, you'll be the parents and we'll be the kids.

It's not about taking expensive trips. It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm. And we have that kind of happiness, Peter. Real happiness because we have each other. Yeah.

No. You don't remember my fishing boat. You don't remember Santos and Pasqual? Not even a little. They were like male Consuelas. It was a mistake making them Portuguese, though. People don't even know what a Portuguese is. That's what I thought a Portuguese was. Me and my brain, huh? And we're just getting started!

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No! Did he at least die with dignity?

Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself. Boy, we really did a number on each other.

We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh! - Hold it! - Freeze! Ahh! There he is. Hands up, Griffin. You're coming with us.

Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go.

and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

Yes. All right! That was a crazy one, Dick.

Welcome back to K.I.S.S. Forum, Rhode island Public Access' most popular show about K.I.S.S. Lois, hurry! It's back on! Calm down, Peter. You know I wouldn't miss a second of this. Ok, let's take a call. You're on K.I.S.S. Forum. K.I.S.S. rules! Whoo! Ok, good call. Good call. Ha! Ha! All right.

Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog. I know. Oh, no! I know.

You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show!

or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses.

Look.

(SIGHS) Well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second-graders. Oh, no! Dear God, he's going back! (THUDDING) I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you they are signing frantically, just as fast as their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror. Wait a sec. Hold the phone. He's going back towards the track.

Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That we could both fantasize about him and no one would be gay, yeah, I know the joke. Hey, you know what? Listen, Zapped sucks. Why don't we go see Krull? Peter, you know I'm dying to see Zapped. I would much prefer Krull. Well, maybe you should just go by yourself. Well, maybe I will.

Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son. Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. Feed him whatever you want. Tell you what. Go up to my jewelry box, take my gold jewelry, melt it down, make it into bread and feed him that. That good enough? Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?

Hi there. Britney Spears. You mind ifl go in? Not at all, Miss Spears. Call me Peter. Hey there, fellas. Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers... ...and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind ifl have a seat? I am out of shape.

And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike? That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam! (MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1.

You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.

You guys, I have some bad news. I just finished going over the books, and this restaurant is hemorrhaging money. What? Well, how is that possible? Isn't it obvious? We're not getting enough customers. This place is like a ghost town half the time.

Oh, hi. How is everything? good, Good. Real good. Real good. Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris!

That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming. This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final. It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this.

But I got 3 wonderful children and a wife that loves me. That's right. I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky-- Oh, My sentiments exactly! Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.

Peter, give Chris a spanking. Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot.

Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass?

Boy, that's a lot of puke, Lois. I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party. Your what? My bachelor party.

Check it out, guys. New driver's license. What's wrong with your picture? Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture." I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago.

Hey. You okay? Yep. Just waiting for my car. Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great, and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.

Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good.

Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility, Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Stabbed in the Butt, the only game show where if you get the answer wrong, you get stabbed in the butt. All right, Bradley, here's your question. What is the atomic weight of nitrogen? Get him, guys! Stab him in the butt!

All right. Now, remember our story. We tell Lois that we both stayed all night. I caught the ghost with my lasso. And I punched him so hard, he ran crying all the way back to Hell! She'll have to believe that. It hangs together so perfectly. DIANE: Our top story today, cowardly kids lay down rubber at the old Selberg place.

Whoever did this, thank you.

I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far. (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman! MAN ON RADIO: Roger that. We're moving to your position. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Brian. Brian Steel. Oh! Good heavens! Man, your accent is sexy. This is all moving very quickly. I'm afraid I'm a little light-headed. You must think I'm a fool. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on too strong.

(OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted. MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas!

You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer?

Warren Fredericks. Quahog Beautiful People's Club. Come on in front. But--But all--all those people were in front of me. You haven't been beautiful very long, have you? Gorgeous guys like us don't have to wait in line. Haven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person. Yeah. You know, come to think of it...

Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track. Hey, listen. Sorry about beating you up. I felt pretty bad about it. - Hey, this look like a spaceship to you? - Sorta. Well, I never was very good at building things. Like that time I built that handmade electric razor.

Okay, I shoot Pat Tillman, then run over the horizon. No. He's on our side! You charge the enemy... Right, and shoot Pat Tillman. No, no, no, no! Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again, 'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time.

Oh, My God! Update! "Exclam"! Scott Martin just asked me out again! Oh, My God! This is date number 3. Are you gonna get to 2nd base? I think that would be a bad idea, and I know something about bad ideas.

What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud. You'll get chills all through your body And you'll lose all control of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole

Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh?

Oh, Hey, Quagmire. Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick. Uh, uh, i--I got to go. Heh, Sorry. What? All he said was "black chick." Yeah, I know. But your boyfriend looks like a typical angry black guy.. I didn't want to offend him. Hey, we cool, "G"? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? All right!

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad.

Are you kidding? I'm so excited. From the first time I read that script,

Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good. The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me? oh, Lordy, I'll never roam again! Jackass. Hey, He's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house. And you better start obeying both of us. Oh, Look at you.

Good Lord. Am I a porn baby? Oh, I'm sure not. They don't usually finish inside.

What, You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants!

Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

That's it. Goodbye.

What the hell was that about? Who were those guys? I don't know, but I'll tell you this. I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend. You think they were following us? Either that, or they got a grudge against our back windshield. Joe, that's so dumb. Why would anybody be trying to kill us? It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us to learn the origin of that joke.

That'll be $5. Sorry, lost my wallet. But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch.

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner. Where do we go from here? Well, I could sign a picture for you.

Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam. What a rip-off. It's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.

And He drank and drank,

I have the power! He-Man TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Blast!

Stewie, what's wrong?

just the two of us.

This is so much fun, Brian. Well, it's a Saturday night, sorry the video-store pickings were a little sparse. Hope you like Roman Holiday. I lied. I was a princess the whole time. You bitch! I'm gonna punch you in the face! That was a lovely dinner. I saved all my scraps in a bag for you.

Wow, this is amazing, Chris. Look at this, Lois, a week ago, we call him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. Right, stupid? (GROANS) I'll do better. So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button!

Blimp-headed jackass!

Come on. Let's go get our nails done. Chris, take care of Stewie.

You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies. Hey, There you go, Lois. You love kids.

(SHOUTING SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH) Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house,

Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2.

Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe. Come on, a place where humans are in charge? I can't pass that up. Hey! Get away from there! (GRUNTING)

But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie. BONNIE: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this. PETER: I don't know, Bonnie. It's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine. BONNIE: No, it's okay. I promise you, it's okay. PETER: I'm not sure. JOE: It's okay, Peter. Just remember, whatever you do, don't tell Chris I'm dating.

(WHIRRING) Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go.

I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy.

We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too! Peter, That was our emergency money, and your daughter just so happens to need a new pair of glasses. Lois, no one really needs glasses. You wear glasses. That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Please, sir. I want some more. What? Please, sir. I want some more. More? All right! Stop it! Stop it right there! Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on!

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest. It can't be done. Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ.

I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman!

Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year? Oh, A peace offering is it? Very well. what say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium? Well, Can you be a good boy? Hmm, Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a good boy? Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up.

Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools!

I'm sorry. We happen to be here to solve a case. Uh, we were here first. Well, you know, this is a free country, dude, and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away.

It's cool. Too cool for you! No, no. I--I think it's right where I'm at. Out of my way! Oh, I see. Yes, yes, i--I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait right here till you get back. Where the devil is he?

Got some dessert for you. You gotta be kidding me. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up. I do. I do like throw-up.

I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

Nobody knows They just remember the fruit Pewterschmidt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit? There are people dying in hilarious places. That is it! You are officially kicked out of this club! What? Griffin. We just had an opening. Congratulations, you are now a member. Oh, my God, really?

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family. That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog... ...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

Did you hear? I am to be married!

What's wrong? You look awful. What happened? I read the play Stewie wrote. She writes plays now? Yes, and it was brilliant. Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life. It was insightful and fresh and intelligent. It's like his play is mocking me. He wrote it in a night. Ugh, that's how I feel whenever I see Brad Goreski on Bravo.

Come on, Woody. We're gonna search for food.

it was, uh, Brian. Yeah, Brian. No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with. He's bad news. Why? What's the problem? - Chris is friends with a Nazi! - What? At first I wasn't sure it was him, but I got a closer look, and now there's no question in my mind.

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead! We are going to have to send that family money.

What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

A karaoke machine? Wait a minute, that's it. We'll turn this place into a karaoke bar. Oh, man, that's the best idea since they faked the moon landing.

Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel,

Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What?

time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

(GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS) (GAGGING)

(ROARS)

It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh?

- Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

"You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate. "Well, you're not gonna be so tough "when I put a fish bowl on my head and a rocket pack on my back, "and come up there and punch you."

(SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain. But he didn't wish hard enough! It only worked on me head! Oh, my God, seriously? No. Actually, I was a normal guy until one night, we dropped acid together, and he thought I was a steak. Grilled me, ate me arms and legs. It was a whole thing. But I'm not the killer! What about the Mayor?

Release the owls.

Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings? No. Because he was quartered on the port side. (CHUCKLES)

So it's got to be somebody who can project a certain amount of world-wizened sophistication, while at the same time retaining a certain youthfully passionate idealism. You know who'd be good? Big Jaws. Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Elijah Wood. I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have.

You guys are yanking me. Hey, Let's put one over on old Quagmire. No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God!

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

I'm Andy!

Hey, where you guys been? We went to the father-son barbecue. You drove all the way up to Fatherson for a barbecue? No, Dad. It was a barbecue for fathers and sons. Wait a minute. You went with the monkey to a father-son thing? Well, it's not like you ever take me anywhere. What? Oh, listen, Peter. I didn't... Meg, please! It's true. You never want to do anything with me!

Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day.

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it?

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

You just started listing lazily to the left.

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set.

You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton.

Okay, see you later, Mom. Where are you off to, sweetie? You gonna go see three movies in a row so it seems like you're out doing something? No, Mom. I'm going to my first big high school Halloween party. That's nice. What are you dressed as? I'm a slutty cat.

Yeah, it's all him or her's fault. Who does he or she think he or she is? Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe. There's only one thing to do. You're right. We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake like the moon landing, and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, ok? Now make it stop.

C-3PO, yeah.

You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?

Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up. I did good! I did good.

Hey, it's Peter Griffin.

No, thank you. I just had it cleaned. No. Ah, Jeez. All set, sir. I don't have any change. Sorry. Oh, That's ok. No charge.

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay! Aw, I mean, sorry, honey. God, I hate high school. I don't fit in with anyone.

Peter, the horse is here. Oh! Yeah. It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that. Why doesn't it do something? He's retarded, Lois. You should understand. You're married to a retarded man. Eh? (MOCKING) You're married to a retarded man.

Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived. He wants fat? I'll show him fat. The only reason I'm eating anyway is because of him. He won't touch me. Do you think I'm fat?

(KIDS LAUGHING) Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it! I deserve to relax, too.

And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. But I'm the president.

Stewie? Yeah? It's not your fault. What? It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault. (FIRMLY) I know. No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault. Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man. - It's not your fault. - Screw you! Cut it out, man! It's not your fault.

Oh, man, this is the best party I have ever been to. Evening, everyone. I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings. - Would you like to join me, Peter? - Well, we are kind of partying here. Good, hold this up.

Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food. What? She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich. Come on, dude! Yes. Okay. But the thing was five minutes past the throw-out time.

Ron? Ron, where are you? Over here, Paul! Oh, good, there you are. It's pretty here! Yes, it is.

oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth. You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house.

Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

You were right, Doug. Mischief is fun. We're the best pals since the Snorks.

Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

Anyway, isn't this a beautiful little girl? Yeah, but she kind of stinks. Well, no wonder. She's pooped herself. Ew! It's new car smell. What? That's what a new car smells like. It's disgusting. Where are you buying your cars, Quagmire? I buy them online at poopcars.com. Okay, well, I think I just solved the mystery.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived. Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.

I remember when Muriel and I had our first kiss. And it was just awful. Oh, just awful. We were both very sick, weren't we, dear? Oh, We were terribly sick. We were both 14, and it was winter, and we had terrible head colds. Yes. Mine especially was very bad.

Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there? Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!

and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?" Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I tell you, This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain?

Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine.

Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island.

I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants How dare you! At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants Oh, pee jokes!

James Woods! undefinedOh, my God. " don't believe it. Hi. How are you? Hello, everyone. He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing? Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time.

Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go?

Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey? Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... so, I'm just gonna.... There we go. Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here. I feel horrible, Brian.

And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation. We'll have all this, and what else, Ollie? OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah!

You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing Down's Syndrome girl

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter!

And take your whore daughter with you! How did it go, Dad? Very well, Meg. My recollection is that it went extremely well. Really? Oh, my God, Dad, that's fantastic! So I can see Eli again?

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

What? Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love, too. But they got to pay.

You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings.

So, like, you see a hot girl,

Wow! Inspiring stuff.

Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

And if you are pure of heart and deed you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven. I'm yanking you. You just rot in the ground.

CHRIS: Oh, boy, a pig! Can we keep it? It bit me!

The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS)

(WHIRRING) (ALL MURMURING) It's them! I did it! The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I? What's going on? Greetings, everyone. My name is Stewie Griffin. I've transported you all here against your will.

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.

Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears? Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(MOOING) (PANTING) BOY: Hey, get up, you faker. It's just a spitball.

(GRUNTING) There we are.

That little pole-smoker's a fucking genius!

What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

(BARKS FEEBLY) Jesse, what is it, boy? (GASPS) Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."

Oh, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue. I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid. (SHOUTING) What?

That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.

You know, Brian, sometimes

Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask. Could you... - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool. I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want.

All right, I'm gonna have to do the Vulcan V-Meld.

Hey, Quite a schooner you got here. What is she? Like, a 45-footer? Well, Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor. I didn't know you looked so good in shorts. What? Oh, You don't have an eye spliced in this mooring line. Here, I'll just tie a bowline in there and make one for you. That should hold her.

Well, I don't know. There's a game on.

(MURIEL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! (ALL GASPING)

Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg? Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we're working together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me! What's that?

You're just gonna have to block out the cold, Stewie. Picture yourself in a warm place. (INHALES) Okay, I think I can do that.

Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect! Brian, what are you doing?

ALL: Aw! Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you?

Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it.

And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager.

There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

What the fuck?

Man, I got to work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh? What? PETER'S DAD: Peter!

We now go live to Logan international Airport where the Pope's plane has just touched down. Hello, Boston! Are you ready to humble yourself before God? What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? Come on!

I know there's been some concern about nutrition. (FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?

All right, 3 years it is.

(FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

Hey, Brian, welcome home! How was your book signing? Jeez, Lois, could I have, like, five minutes to decompress, please? It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell.

I hardly think that's any of your business.

I'm gonna kill Quagmire!

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING) Peter, it's okay. It's not okay. You don't know what it's like.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money. Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head.

All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him. Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh. Peter, you take that thing back where it belongs immediately. All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney.

(COMMERCIAL JINGLE PLAYING)

(LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)

Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Oh, My God! Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you.

(GASPS) - Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)

Peter, it's over.

I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.

Hey, What the hell? I told you to waste those Kids from Dawson's Creek. You're missing the most important thing here. You said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply. And, Now the whole world does. YEAH, I guess so. You know, My ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get outta your hair. Oh, But you just got here!

All right, Peter, do you have a story that you'd like to share? Oh, yeah, I got one. This one time, me and Joe and Quagmire made a bet to see who could drink the most beer and still drive. And you know that water slide in South Attleboro? (CHILDREN LAUGHING) Yeah! Water slide!

Road House.

Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath.

It's not that perfect. We'll probably have to buy a gift. And you know how bad I am when it comes to buying gifts. Happy freaking birthday, Lois! Oh, My goodness, it's A... another sword. Thank you, Peter. Go ahead. Try it on.

BOBBY! Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok.

Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do something fancy with my falcon.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me!

and you can't manage to get Hannah Montana tickets? That's what I said.

Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force.

So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats? Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room. Wow. This looks just like my room at home. Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends. That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen.

Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.

Just ask any sloth.

My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It's--It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! Bam! Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle.

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over!

CAVEMAN 1: Huh, I guess it takes Juan to know Juan. (LAUGHING)

What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin. I'm cold.

Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. $50! She had 9 S.T.D's. $45. And when We caught her, she wet herself. $50. Excuse me. Are you gonna sell anything that's not gross? And now our next item.

Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell.

Look, Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously, I didn't think ahead. It's so cold. Let's cuddle together for warmth.

Every beer I've ever had Is on a shelf above my bed And sometimes, I put my speakers facing out my window

You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!

That was a very productive first day, Brian.

Thanks for Spaceballs.

Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws. Looks like someone's a little lost.

Oh, Chris, I'm your father. Call me Dad. Okay, Dad. How do I get a girl to like me? Well, there's a number of ways, Chris. For example, Heather Graham and I had a mutual friend, and he threw a punch social one day and we both happened to be there.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me!

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Would you sign the guest book on your way out? (SIGHS) Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

You want to take a wizard on my id? You remind me of my step-dad.

but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey. Brian, there you are! Come quick. They're about to announce the unveiling of your statue on the news. Statue? For what? What do you think, Mr. National Hero? For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country. Oh, you! I can't even express how mad I am at you right now.

JOYCE: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. Happy Turkey Day, Quahog. This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade. We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today,

Oh, my God! You're the guy on the card! (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Give me a call.

Hey, what time is it? We're gonna miss the movie. Yeah. Let's go, everyone.

Hey, why would you hang that up? It looks so tantalizing.

Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you.

Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out. And to think I actually thought you raped me. Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room. What? Ah! Ah!

Oh, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? I think They had a meeting about it last night. Why wasn't I told? Well, They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so y-you didn't, uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.

(RINGS DOORBELL) (DOOR OPENING) Hi, I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday? Chris, this is our house. Ah. Then what is for dinner? Pork chops. Excellent. Chris, have you been to any other houses?

Oh, yes! I slam it, and you can suck it! Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls! (LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls.

it hurts to pee

Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure? Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show.

Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news.

So, now, let me understand this, what are you here to promote, James? Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.

I could just bite him and eat him up. I know, he's perfect. He's like a boy and a girl. I know! Now let's get back to screaming at this child in a way that reminds all men why we can never be President. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)

For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?

(MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff.

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?

Say 'how do' to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville. Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War! Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.

What? Dogwood? You know, like Dogwood and Blondie, like in the funnies? You mean Dagwood? Dagwood, that's what it is. Hey, how about this one? You want to take a wizard on my id? You remind me of my step-dad.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Nature, with a Guy Named Terry in It. (GROWLING) NARRATOR: The cheetahs will feed through the night. While the strongest made the kill, the oldest will eat first. And there's Terry.

Give me paw. Paw?

Hey, Swedish Chef. Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on? I'm hungry. Oh, that's no problem. I could cook you something. You want some spaghetti? That's like my specialty in junk. Yay!

Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for?

Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this! Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give

Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau. What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist. And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person, and punctual. Yeah. Maybe we could talk about something else.

I can't believe you guys want to have another kid! Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get. You can't have their baby! Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant. Mom, I can't find my jacket. (LAUGHING) (CRYING)

Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade. Are you as excited as I am, Tom? Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood and clipped onto this piece of wood is a list of this year's float entries. Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave in a century. That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands.

Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.

I was on a road to destruction, man. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I? C-Can We turn off the cameras, dude? It's--It's like I'm, I don't know, trapped in my own life. Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly focused. Try thinking about the needs of others for a change. Why don't you do some volunteer work? Oh, That makes sense. Volunteer work.

Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la. Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought Marshmallow Peeps. Oh, okay.

But how do you know he's guilty? I know. Mayor West has let people down. Guys, I feel like all we talk about is Mayor West. Like who, who has he let down? Someone who got him elected. Someone who padded his expense account. And all I wanted was to fire a missile into a fault line to sink half of Quahog into the ocean and make my real estate waterfront.

Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire

I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. Your Earth's bitch. Morning, civilians. General Griffin reporting for breakfast. Dad, it's not fair. My money paid for that tank,

Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying,

Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

Shut up! Harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. (EXCLAIMS) Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know?

I'm Stewie Griffin.

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay?

Won't be coming from your bum

Oh, Don't do that. That's what they expect you to do. Ok, fine for you. But what about your puppies? And your puppies' puppies? God, Am I the only one Who's outraged here? I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner.

I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING) ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... (ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger? Really? Where did you read that?

Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. (ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael!

Life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not you're going to have time to masturbate. Peter, I'm gonna run and pick up Stewie. I'll be back in five or ten minutes. Well, which is it? It's like I told you, Lois. This time it's different.

- CHRIS: Stop making fun of me! - (BOTH GASP) I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris!

Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?

What the hell are you talking about? Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met. Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign,

Ding, ding.

Hey, Quagmire, you know you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes? Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry. You want me to talk to him? Well, no, actually, I want you to tell me the joke. Yeah, tell us the joke. You want to hear it? All right. So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (INAUDIBLE)

So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of...intercourse

(PETER LAUGHING) Hey, I think you're gonna need a bigger boat!

What... No story? What are you talking about? You're the one who sent me to investigate. Now I'm showing you proof and you're dismissing it? I don't understand! Lois, I'll be honest. Rush Limbaugh is one of us. We have no wish to smear a fellow conservative. That would be as foolish as FDR hiring that midget press secretary.

because everybody here just uses Elizabeth Hurley. All right, well, where is she? 'Cause I need her now! MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation. Ellen, there 's moisture on the outside of m y glass. 4t's condensation, Johnny. But what about the fog on the windows?

Definitely! What are you calling it? - Wish It. Want It. Do It. - Love it. Thanks. Okay. "Chapter One: Wish it. "What are all the things you want most in the world? "Use the following blank pages "to write down all of your dreams and desires." Brilliant. Make them do the work. Yeah, why not? You know, if people want crap, I'll give them crap.

Why are-- Why--

You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Yeah, just look at all the idiots. All the dumb ass Manilow fans. Yeah. I mean, he's got, like, one good song. Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible. Yeah, the opening's okay. And I guess you can't hate Copacabana. Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song.

Hey, you guys, I hate to do this to you, but I gotta get out of here. Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame.

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about?

Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should.

Mmm! These scones are delicious. You are quite the little baker, Jerome.

Hello? Am I too late for the tttKA? Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique. Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg.

10, 9, 8... This is it!

Damn it! Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

No, it's a whole apartment. Oh, God, outstanding! So, Stewie, do you work with Brian at the detective agency? Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do. At the detective agency. That's got to be a tough job. I know Brian's work has him coming and going at all hours of the night.

Well, it's good to see everyone's adapting to their new business roles. Brian, I like your successories. I will. I will go get it.

(GROWLS) Holy shit! You ain't never gonna believe what I just seen. Tyra Banks? See, now you say something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more. Oh! Come on, what did you see? I don't remember.

I'm sorry about last night. I promise I'll make it up to you. Well, if you really mean that, I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today. Great, but can we do it after 5:00? There's a ball game on. Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out. Do you mind, Brian? No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen.

- BRIAN: Yeah! - STEWIE: Oh, God! Ugh! He can't hurt you anymore.

Seven. Seven prostitutes.

Ok, now I'm pissed.

if you come to work without a shirt on. Mr. Griffin! I--I'm sorry. That came out wrong. L-l-l-Let me try again. nice ass. You haven't heard a word I've said! Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just-- You know, There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. HOnk, honk. Ok, that's it!

My days in college were so exciting.

Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot!

Let go of the check.

(FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Hey, you ever just drive through a town and wonder, "Who the hell lives here?" All the time. Look at this place. I mean, what's going on? There's an adult with a lemonade stand.

Ooh it up A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting? Well, excuse me for being retarded.

How do we know where to start looking? The tracking beacon I shot into Mayor West's ankle will allow us to locate him. Wow. Those are the Russian people? I mean, granted, you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the Russian people,

No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine. You know what? You only live once. I am sticking my head out the window. Yes, this is the best version of whatever's so enjoyable about this.

Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back. Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.

(WOMAN YELLS)

They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

"I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?

ALL: Aw! Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song.

Joe, would you put on your hand shoes and take out the garbage? Thank you. (JOE SOBBING)

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore.

I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say. What are your demands?

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh. (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Getting shot in the face. Shot in the face. There you go. I see you're kind of stealing mine, but it's okay. Leukemia. Having a mosquito bite you on your scab. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh! There's your thunder. Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer.

And by reproductive organ, I mean the thing between your knees. And by the thing between your knees, I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. aah!

Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok? I told you we should've left cookies for Santa. aHh! My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who.

Those mushrooms are messing you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian.

Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe. Hi. Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine. Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans.

No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight. - (ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME - PLAYING) MARY HART: Celebrating birthdays today,

(HISSING) Wanna have sex?

Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini. What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

So there's nothing we can do? You could contribute to the Policeman's Ball. What? What does that have to do with a sick child? Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino... Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape?

My pot! My pot! Your pot? Your pot? And then in Chapter 28 of my novel, the other pilots finally trust the Japanese pilot and let him... Let him into their group. Dude, that is an amazing story.

You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!

Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company.

Do you mind if I take this script? Yeah, sure, whatever. He just pays me to watch him sleep and rub this knife across my face while I do it. (RASPING) Okay. Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah.

You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,

(COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out.

Mom, Dad, am I ugly? Of course not, sweetie. Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

(IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came. I love you, Lois. You know that, right?

I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

(RETCHING) (LOUD GROAN)

Oh, no, no. Go ahead and Cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty. Say, Peter, uh, My audition's coming up. Would-- Would you mind listening to my monologue? Sure, buddy. Let's hear it. "Julie, there's something I gotta tell you--" Ha! That's awesome! Go on. Uh, um, "tell you. I--I saw Doctor--"

So you're joining him at next week's district spelling bee. If you lead our school to victory, I'll let you pass third grade. But if you lose, you fail. I accept that challenge. Late '70s Bruce Jenner, take me home. Hop on, Peter.

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah!

All we need is some magic markers,

JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period!

Welcome to the cool side of the pillow. You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland. Works every time. Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Help! Stop!

Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you?

"Dear Reek Publishing,

No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Definitely blind. You guys are crazy. Hey, you don't wanna be a midget? One of those funny little guys runnin' around gettin' in all kinds of shenanigans. Smokin' a cigar, while you're ridin' around in a stroller. Good point. Never thought of it that way. They are God's little punch lines. Ok, all right. Here's another one. Black or crippled?

This textbook is from 1896. What? "Chapter Three. Here Comes Utah." Let me see that. "Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore.

Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60?

" can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three. Do it again!

All right, let's figure a way to get out of here. Now, we can't fit through the window, but maybe there's some way we can let people know we're down here. We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention. And nothing makes more noise than unwanted salsa music.

because I am very self-conscious about my driving. Oh, you've got a date! What's his name?

It's alive, isn't it?

(ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

Stewie, what the hell did your machine do? Just calm down, calm down, Brian. I've got the return pad. All right, step on. What happened? Good Lord! This is impossible! What?

But first, let's go to the Ouahog Mega-Mall... where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa... is handing out makeovers. That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover.

(PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.

Let's fall in love

BRENDA: (MEEKLY) No, Jeff, all I said was that you were in between jobs.

Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What?

Well,

All right, I'm gonna hit the john. Good. Me and Joe can stay here and tell secrets. I'm wearing my dead grandmother's panties. DOCTOR: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but the cancer is terminal. If you're lucky, you've got two weeks to live. I understand. Oh, my God! Carter's dying?

(CHICKEN SQUEAKS) (GROANS)

Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over. Do you see the wire yet? Over. No. No what? Over. No. Over. Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over. Wait, if you haven't started feeding it,

Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy.

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary. Still twice yours, Joyce.

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie? It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky

That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV. I'll just make my own sitcom in my head. And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme. This time around I'm staying at home And things are gonna get better Settling in, loving my wife

Ah, Truck going by. I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Meow! - Morning. - Ah!

It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man.

Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay Oh, my God! They liked it? Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged!

(LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

This is Atlantic City all over again. You've got 20. Hit me. Peter, don't. - Hit me. - 21. - Hit me. - Peter! - Hit me. - That's 30. Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car.

Stewie, you in there? You think he's here? God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here. Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement with a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel.

GIRL: Ball, please. Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks.

Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty. I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign,

Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room.

Thank you, but I can't stay. It's Friday night, I've got to go to Temple. Temple? Oh, Like Indiana Jones?

STEWIE: Yes, I'll have a big helping of the pretentious crap. (LAUGHS) Whoa! Sometimes the crazy ones get through. Okay, we have Rose from Cranston on the phone. Welcome, Rose, can I take your order? STEWIE: (IN WOMAN'S VOICE) Yes, that turkey, that raw turkey that you ate off the counter last week that got Lois mad, when you pooped that out, was the timer still in there?

Geez, what the hell's her problem? Peter, she was already feeling insecure about her age, and then you went and gave her that horrible speech! I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. I'm King Stewie! I rule with an iron fist! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Look at me! Ooh-ooh-ooh. In my office. Now.

Griffin. Party of two. Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you. Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal. I kind of get the helmet. But what's with the water wings? Well, you did order the soup. Like something could happen....

I don't have any change. Sorry. Oh, That's ok. No charge. Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.

I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts. f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy.

"And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now." (WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that? It's an expression.

Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God!

Dear me, it's almost 3:00.

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!

If you need me, I'll be in space.

You'll never know just how much I care Yeah! And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you

That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there.

You love the Middle Ages, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir!

You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

You must be Angela.

Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice! I'm here to turn myself in.

Careful. Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet. Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry. (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? (GROANS) I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man. God, I hope Alan doesn't find out. Hey, forget that klutz.

You okay? Yeah, babe.

PETER: (ON VIDEO) I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home. Look outside and you'll see a grown tree. Yay! Now look at your hand. It's just a nub, 'cause I'm gonna cut off all the fingers. Oh, yeah, past Peter? Well, two can play that game! Take that! (LAUGHING) Wait a minute.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

Jim. Your name is Jim.

So does everyone else! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning. The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder. Good night, Stewie. If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands. Itell you....

You know, I am a huge Snuggly Jeff fan. I've read all the books. Great. Hey, can you hand me my cell phone? I gotta call my agent. She's probably worried sick about me. It was destroyed in the accident. Well, can I use yours? No reception up here. - Regular phone? - Lines are down. - Pay phone? - Road's closed. E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam. Morse code? Obsolete. Brain-damaged bicycle courier?

You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.

Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie. Honey, if you wanna lose weight, I'll put you on a diet, and your father can help you exercise. Really? Why don't you do what the supermodels do? Stick your finger down your throat, and throw up till you're skinny.

All right. So, we roll the dice, and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud. - At the same time? - Yeah. And you have to flap your wrists, like this. And you'll do it, too? Of course. That's how it's done. - Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck!

Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows,

He's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc. Oh, God's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc I'm sorry. What were we talking about? Hey, where the hell is my van? Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.

Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything. Anything! Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob. You're thinking of the Mob in the movies.

I don't have skin! THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!

Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do?

Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. - MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it. - MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction. - Seen it. - MAN 3: Donovan's Reef. - Seen it. MAN 4: License to Drive. Definitely seen it. That's a shame What a shame

This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade. We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today, and we're a little wet, as you can see, because, apparently, there are no awnings that exist anywhere. There's your top news story right there. Mysterious awning shortage ravages the Northeast, but miraculously has not affected Channels 2 or 6.

So, how do I look in my new glasses? Hmm, How shall I put this? In an attic somewhere there's a portrait of you getting prettier. Wow, someone needs a nap.

Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out.

Well, let me make you a proposal. I'll front you the money, and you pay it off by working for me. Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind.

Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared.

Brian.

Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!

You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!

I watched you raise three kids on a shoestring budget, you never gave up then, and you're not giving up now! Because you're the toughest woman I've ever met. And if there was a hall of fame for hearts, yours would be the biggest one in the whole damn building! QUAGMIRE: Peter, you're in the wrong corner! Ah. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. (BELL DINGS) Damn it!

(RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg.

All right, good. Now I want you to call them as if you're their dead baby. No way, that was the last thing on your list. I can't do this anymore. Well, you should've thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse. I own you. Now, here's my post office key.

Well, well, well! H-How long have you been there? I came along right about the time you started pummeling her with your tail. You shut up! You love her! Ha! Oh! Oh, This is so good, it just has to be fattening. I said, shut up! Oh, By the way, nice rap.

No. No. That's the name of a champagne. No. No. Terrible. These are all just terrible! Relax, God. You want me to get y'all some wine and cheeses? Wait, what'd you just say? Cheeses. You want some cheeses?

Hey, Didn't see you come in. We're getting into shape for our upcoming tour. We're playing 5 big shows in 5 days. So, if you-- Rock and roll! Why don't--Why don't you just sit in the corner, huh? Go on. So, if you're a K.I.S.S. fan, and you live in the Northeast, come out for all 5 shows of what we're calling "K.I.S.S.-Stock."

Are we there yet? No, Chris, honey, we're not. Are we there yet? No, Chris. Are we there yet? Yes, Chris, yes. Okay? We're there. Liar!

All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney.

I will seriously consider purchasing this product.

So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be a phony! A big, fat phony! What'd them Rebels do anyways?

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

(STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM) Look! (SCREAMS) He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it.

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da!

I promise I won't forget you.

- Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?

Any questionS?

Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

Well, hold... Hold on a sec. We could probably let them go for just a few more minutes.

Oh, Chris, in a few minutes, you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man. I could make a foreskin joke right now, but this is a solemn occasion. And Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back. Oh, I got so many of them, too! I--I know. i know. shh. But later!

No, he's over there. Hey, you want to see what I can do? All right, ready? Check it out. Beer, glass. All right, now watch this. Oh, hey. Guess I'll go over here for a minute. Oh, holy crap! That's still pouring itself. Oh, wow. That's amazing. I've never seen anyone do that. You want to go out later? I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle.

(GASPS) Peter, what was that? Quick, Brian, into the time machine!

You ain't got no "J." Yo, man! That's trippin'! Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez!

Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart.

That's insane.

No? MAN: Osama. What's that? Right, right. Yeah, no. Okay, okay. All right, let's go again. Okay. This is a message to all... (LAUGHING) I'm not-- I'm not gonna be able to do it now. Okay, all right, okay. I got to get all the... I got to get all the laughs out. Okay? I got to get all the laughs out.

Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you! Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture,

Goose!

You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m. Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING)

Oh, see, here we go.

And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie

Dude, that is an amazing story. Hey, what if there were Korean pilots? Yeah. I'm not really looking for notes, but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up.

Hey, Swanson, the boss is getting impatient. He wants his money. He says after we're done with you, you're gonna be eating... Swanson TV... TV... Wait. - Wait, what did he say? - What? What did the boss say? He said something funny, and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was. - Oh, you know what it was? - What? You know what it was?

Boy. Do I know that feeling. Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people!

Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz. Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

because it is your will. We solemnly believe that although humans have been around for a million years, you feel strongly that they had just the right amount of technology between 1835 and 1850. Not too little, not too much. Please deliver us from Thomas Edison,

I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl who loves abortion as much as you do. That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy. Oh, things will work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911.

Help! Somebody help! Rape!

Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell.

Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

Glen, we have a family emergency.

I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

(LAUGHING) Lando! Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard. Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca. And this is my special friend, Leia. And that's Sarge over there. You don't know my name, do you? You never bothered to learn it. What are you talking about?

You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know. Pardon my French. You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day.

That's it!

Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you?

I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

"I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh! Morning theater fans! Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. What the hell is this? French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now.

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg.

This isn't part of the act anymore!

This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Ok, everyone. Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead!

And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

(GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like. And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man. Not less.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money? You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00.

I am going to kill that man. That man is my girlfriend Meg. (PETER CHUCKLES) This is against everything our people stand for. Will you listen to me for one moment? You were so worried about these outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me. But look at yourself. You're the one who's allowed yourself to be corrupted.

What kind of jerk alters time, and then falls asleep? Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it? Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom. - Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois. - Goodnight. Peter, this is a little strange. No stranger than when Darth Vader was a meter maid. Come on, man. Cut me a break. I was only in there for, like, five minutes. I already started writing the ticket. You know, I make your annual salary in a week.

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad!

What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it. Dad, there's a weird bald guy out in front of our house. Oh, that's just Quagmire. He's acting all different now that he's bald. I'll go talk to him. Hey, slow down! Drive like hell, you'll get there!

Everyone, I have something to say. I've given this long and careful thought, and I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them. - You what? - That's right, and I want your blessing, Peter. You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get. You can't have their baby!

Ok, who's hungry? Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base. MAN 1: The crowd's enjoying it, and it looks like the umpire's gonna let them finish. CLEVELAND: (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite. MAN 2: There it is! MAN 1: I'll tell you what. This would be painful to watch if you loved that girl.

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight And the guys in hooded sweatshirts Have forgotten that they're white Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight

- It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad.

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.

(GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama! All right, let's get this place cleaned up.

(MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry!

Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie? It's a wonderful day for pie

I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

Get lost.

(BRIAN SCREAMS)

Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen.

Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on? Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap. Well, you can't fight City Hall. Oh, we'll see about that! City Hall knows karate.

you can go fuck yourself.

When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude. Can I just say before... Can we just, like, take two... I love... You're so brave.

And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole.

Hey, what's this? Some kind of really old coin. Let me see that. Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token. This thing's got to be worth 50 grand. 50 grand? Oh, my God! I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart.

Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

Oh, Mary, Mary,

Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey!

But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah. Oh, this looks like Spooner St.,

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way. Just to check in, make sure everything's going well with you and Brian. It's going kick-ass!

Hey, who the hell are you? What the hell is that creepy little thing? Well, I'm not Yoda. Okay, I'm Yoda. You're Yoda? You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force.

Let's make up our minds. MAN: Griffin, shut up! PETER: Hey, I know the judge said not to run in the hall, but check this out! (PETER LAUGHING) JUDGE: Griffin! Knock it off! PETER: Hey, come on, Judge. Tell us the answer. The Mexican guy did it, right?

Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face,

- Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are?

I hope I'm allowed to do this. My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)

Who the hell's idea was it to make this suit out of foam rubber? It's such an honor to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, Kids? Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on.

Oh, Splendid. an entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars," and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice." God, Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? Why don't You teach her. Unless you Don't think you're up to it? Oh, yes, This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it." Well, I am! I accept your challenge!

And what would be another way for you to say that? I'm by myself. Maybe a more specific way. I'm the lone ranger. Yeah! You said it! (LAUGHS) Hey, your name wouldn't happen to be Rick, would it? No, it isn't. It's just too much to ask. Too much to ask.

Ah! What the heck?

(PETER SINGING JINGLE)

Swamp crashes. They can land you knee-deep in trouble. But the "good hands" people at Allstate will make sure you have a soft landing. Professional service. Non-threatening black spokesperson. That's Allstate's stand. Thank God for these airbags. You okay back there?

What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. What? Will he be okay? No, he won't be okay. One-third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. (BEEPING) Well, that's it.

- Well, Dave's allergic. - Dave!

Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, and leave me alone. It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. You let the fat man talk you into moving out. You let Jillian walk out the door. Stop getting pushed around.

Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life. (SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog! He's got my neck! (SCREAMING)

(BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh?

Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey? Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... so, I'm just gonna.... There we go. Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

Brian, I read your article in The Daily Shopper. It was wonderful. Oh, don't oversell it, Lois. No, it was good. It almost felt like it was written by a real writer. I read your article, too, Brian.

hey! Hey! How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Oh, Screw it. I tried.

Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.

Well, now, hold on, hold on.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

I felt like I had a void in my life. Like--Like there was a secret hole in me. Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God!

I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1.

- A vagina? - Get out.

He 's a family guy

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING)

Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking. All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year! I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive. Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas. And Christmas is about gettin'!

Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together. I wonder where we're going. Calm down!

Peter, you've raised a fine family. yeah, Well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up. In fact, I was hoping you could change his mind. He'd have to believe you. You're God's go-to guy.

No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death!

Mom, can I get lipo, too? Forget it, Meg.

(PANTING) Four! Three! Two! Oh, come on, Brian, get up! Time's up! You're pathetic, Griffin! Pathetic!

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

I don't want this to happen to you, Meg.

Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat, "I hate you. "You are a bad man. "And you made me cry. "Furthermore--" Not now, Peter.

If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam?

Wow, Jerome, the place looks great. Yeah, look at you, owning a bar. You guys are doing pretty good. First you get to run Somalia, now this. Well, it sure is good to be back in the old Clam. Hey, there's some guys sitting in our booth. Maybe we should tell them it's our booth. Uh-huh, or we could just sit on the floor, next to these garbage cans.

"oh, Hello. Didn't notice you there. "You know, It's not easy living with my family. "bunch of characters they are. Like my father-- "'Holy crap, Lois! Check out the freakin' log in the toilet!'" Get off the stage!

Do you have Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen? No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies.

Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody?

Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the furthest thing from. From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To... To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway. I hate it when Woody casts another actor in a role he's supposed to play, 'cause they always act like him. What're you talking about? I thought Patrick Stewart was great as Melvin Shiverman. You know, Nietzsche says we're doomed to live the same life over and over again,

Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts?

(WOMAN YELLS)

Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry.

Oh, Sweetie.

Here's your paper. What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd! Thank you. Would you like to come inside for a cupcake and a glass of wine? Shut up, old man. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter.

I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to... ...here with your BS. Oh, he's really had it this time. I'm sorry, Louie! All right, then.

Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had. And you've had some pretty stupid ones. Hi, there. Peter Griffin.

Well, At first I wanted you to fail. But then I realized you'd be out of the house 5 days a week, which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties.

Well Then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body. Don't censor me! No more anger!

But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. You bastards! I'll get my question answered one way or another.

Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it! And I'd better not see you at the big dance! Come on, you. Sorry, Chris. I'm gonna go with him.

These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached. Beautiful island. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just beautiful homes and nothing else. Each residence has 200 feet of pristine oceanfront. No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution.

It's a lifesaver, Brian, I'll tell you.

Oh, that poor boy. We should bury him. It's only right. Yeah, yeah, we should, Lois. You're right. Or we could... Could what? Eat him.

But you are a beautiful person,

We've got a runner in Sector G.

And don't smoke or you'll see it hurts to pee

Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian. It operates according to the laws of physics, but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no laws of physics. Watch. How the hell did you do that? No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this.

With cake mix inside God's man-boobs are flabby And they hurt when he jogs And the back of God's neck

What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son

So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.

Humans will chuckle at this. MAN: And in simple American households. Okay, Barney. I'm going to work now. But I'm gonna leave NPR on for you. DJ ON RADIO: Good day to you. And welcome to All Things Considered, a show where we talk very softly and right into the mic.

Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko. (LAUGHS) Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it.

You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.

Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad. The resulting explosion was the big bang. So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist. Worth it!

I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun. - We do everything together, fa? - Ja. You got your poison? Okay. One, two, three. - You didn't do it. - You didn't do it, either.

Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from Little Shop of Horrors. Da-doo I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago. Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face.

This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good!

Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees are Ron Jones,

It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!

Damn it! Damn it!

Hey, Chris, aren't you coming in? Uh, Can I swim with my shirt on? No. You can't swim with your shirt on. W-Wait a second. What are you hiding under your shirT? Do you have bruises? Did somebody hit you? Lois, what did you do to my son?

(SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON RADIO) I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly...

So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says,

Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, you know, I went into a store last week and they wanted $800 for a TV, but I us'ed them down to $500.

No, you're not.

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind! A pox on quahog! Easy!

(GRUNTS) Damn it! You bastards!

Please come in. It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family. yes We do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. It's almost their bedtime. State your names. Meg!

You thought what would be big news? Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety. What are you talking about? Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. Heard what? Brian, don't! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

No, no, it's quite all right. Because I vowed to myself that I would spend the last night of my life in the company of the most beautiful woman in the world. And that's just what I have done. Oh, Reginald. No, no, no. This is already a perfect end to a perfect evening.

All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose. What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right. But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf. Usually Peter would break the tie. (SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him,

(STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.

I just want you to know this was a huge pain in the ass.

Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!

I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here.

Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena,

Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range.

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance!

(FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them.

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad. But try and open with a joke. Tell him yourself.

Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you...

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been.

Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here!

Lois, get in here! Shh. Meg's boyfriend.

goose!

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues.

Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) And this is April's Child of the Month, eight-year-old Angus Reed. Angus was born with cerebral palsy. And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon. All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed. Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you.

Not so fast. Did you know you'd have to eat 17 bowls of those cornflakes to get the same nutritional value in one bowl of Total? Say, that's a lot easier than eating 17 bowls! And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah!

after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there.

Mr. Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now? Oh, Trust me. Painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist. You need an image. Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay, and turn it into the toast of New York. Ha, ha, ha! I love toast! Cut it short and tint it green, the color of money. And boogerS.

We're from the further-further-further future.

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

I can't even say my name without people asking me if I made it up. How could Dad do this to me? Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He--He was doing it for you. He knows how much you want to go to Brown. There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. Now, that's not true. Libel's not a felony. It's a civil matter.

QUAGMIRE: Well, gonna need some help here. (CHUCKLES) All right.

I am not gonna listen to you anymore.

Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.

And then we have a chocolate, chocolate cake that's infused with chocolate served with chocolate ice cream and a molten chocolate topping. We'll have one of those with four spoons. More like four of those with one spoon for me! (LAUGHING)

You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss! Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.

Oh, come on!

Everyone, I think it's important that we talk openly about this.

Drago! You know the exam's in three hours? Ah, crap! All we've done is work out.

It's okay. It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? (DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)

And I have no intention of giving that up. Who wants a half and half? I'll throw my hat into that ring. Wait a minute, Dad. I think maybe I should go with her. What? Dylan, why? Look at her. She needs me, a lot more than you do.

I hate being all strokey. This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

We made it! I don't believe it! We climbed Mount Everest! Isn't it amazing, Brian? You can see for... Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine.

No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.

Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this. Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me!

Hector, how long have we known each other? - Since first grade. - Yeah, yeah. You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"? " think so. Well, burn for it!

Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game. I just never stopped believing. Say no to acid. Jeez, relax, Mort. You'd think you were God himself. No, he's over there.

Ugh! Oof! Ahh!

but I think I might have left the weed whacker on.

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems.

"Life sure is a human race." Right, that's brilliant! Oh, My, look at all the damage. Oh, Thank God the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact. Peter, look! The Clam!

CAVEMAN 2: I think he finally figured himself out. CAVEMAN 1: Huh, I guess it takes Juan to know Juan. (LAUGHING)

Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just-- You know, There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. HOnk, honk. Ok, that's it! Obviously, normal sensitivity training isn't enough for you! No, we're--we're gonna have to do something drastic. JEEz. A week at a women's retreat.

You're not fat, Chris.

Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do. I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside.

(LAUGHING) (GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!

- You sure you're okay? - I'm positive.

(SPUTTERS) Arrest him! Arrest all three!

I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you? Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore, hamburgers, French fries, Cokes. (CHUCKLING) You kids don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm--I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman? Well, Actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse!

Hasn't the right wing done enough damage to our nation with the war, and torture, and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties?

This is gonna be great. A whole evening with Lois! We are gonna have such a fun time. Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing? This is Lois, Peter's wife.

Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

Wow, Brian, that's a great idea. And, hey, maybe I could give the speech at your graduation. I'm really good at that. And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope, all I can think is, "You are completely screwed." As Martin Luther King once said, "Ouch, I've been shot." Thank you.

It's going kick-ass! Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly. Like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa. Oh, my God! Are you saying I'm fat? No, I'm saying Santa's thin... - Get in there and throw up! - Oh!

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD)

I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without. Well, I... I love you, too, Stewie.

This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.

Oh, thank God that's over. Yeah, no kidding. Hey, you know, there's not too many guys in the world who would be willing to do something like that for their pal. Ah, don't mention it. No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy.

Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

Okay, the time machine is refueled. Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.

Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire! Here, that ought to cover it. Peter, I don't want your money! Well, fine, then. Have a box of Jeremy Irons Cereal. If you're looking for a prize at the bottom, there is none. Only more cardboard.

I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses. Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

So, what happened? Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys?

Oh, Kids. Look at that man over there! Grabbing his own crotch! Oh! So alive, this city!

Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father... Oh, probably not.

Hello. If you're watching this, it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed. As a result, I'm now dead. KENNETH: That's not it. If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885. KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom.

I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free! As she coming back? " don't know.

and mom... Mom just stood there. Yes. Mothers can be quite the botheration, can't they? That's why we've got to get you well. What was that? Nothing. Stewie, leave Death alonE. He's ok. you know, He reminds me a lot of me at that age. I just hope his teen years go better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward.

Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? No, but I'm ready for therapy.

You mean steroids?

Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me.

ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend.

And I have to set you fray Fray The letter A The A, the A The letter A Thank yay!

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

You're gonna look so handsome. Ugh, Look at these crow's feet. My God! You stay up past 7:30, and you pay for it in the morning. Who the hell does Brian think he is? Well, Maybe he thought we'd get in the way. I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance.

(SCREAMING) Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs?

I can't just do it on the floor, can I? You'd be all like, "Ooh, who left "this coil of rope on the floor?" It comes out very ropey, is my point. But I gotta take a bath. Go on, then. We're both men. Well, all right, I guess. There you go! (HEARTY LAUGH) Look at that! What is...

We can't leave. It's almost halftime and we all pooped in the tuba. (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) (TUBA PLAYER EXCLAIMING) Okay, we can go. (SPRAYING)

Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.

(LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.

The 10 of us gonna load up the Impala and head on down to Hotlanta. Hey, I heard that. Hey, thanks for the tip on that check-cashing place. I was in and out with one ID. You know my boy is out on bail next week, right? Man, it seems like yesterday he was in juvie. Hey, say, man, when you on your trip, skip that traveler's insurance. That's a ripoff.

All right, Lois. Go ahead. Say it. (SIGHS) Chris! It's time for supper! (CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!

Says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I got to tell you, I always thought it would be rectal trauma. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies. So the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete. You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me.

Mayor West? Well, well, Mr. Toilet. I thought you were in the Hamptons. No, no, no. It's me. Meg Griffin. Young lady, I don't talk to the press under any circumstances. What makes you think I'll talk now? This!

Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad I risked my life and everything. Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that? Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart. Goodbye, big fart.

This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening, you did something that changed the course of your history, causing the time line to skew off into an alternate tangent, where you're married to Molly Ringwald, Quagmire's married to Lois,

He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity!

I don't believe it. Are we really stuck in space? Oh, God, what if we have to live up here for the rest of our lives? I'm gonna miss drinking at The Clam. I'll tell you what I won't miss. That waiter who thinks he has to be funny. Yes, I'd like the chopped salad, please. And could I get no onions on that? Hmm. I've got a few connections in the back. I'll see what I can do. Yeah, that's funny.

You don't think I can catch you?

Oh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anybody's ever done for me. Well, get used to it. You're going to be hearing a lot of things I've done for you. Oh, I'm so happy you had fun. I did, too. And I'm sorry I practically cried at the symphony. It's just that Romeo and Juliet gets me every time. (MUSIC PLAYING)

(YELLING CONTINUES) Quick, Quagmire, give me your iPod. (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN: I swear to God! You keep him away from me! JOE: Got 'em. Aw, they got tuckered out.

W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man. Oh, my God! Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my! Do we... Do we rub his nose in it?

Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good. Bye, Otis!

Hmm. "Earn it." Why have you forsaken mE? Uh, mis--mis-- Mr. Weed?

MALE T.V. HOST: And we're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing. I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round, we'll never know. (BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one.

Yeah, and it's real easy, I promise. I mean, you've spent time watching children, right? Yes, sir. Yes, I have. Wonderful. You mind stopping by tomorrow morning? I'll wear my snazziest duds.

(SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

(WOMAN YELLS)

You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face,

Oh, I haven't thought about that in years. You know, it would be fun to write some new songs. You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud. So I was thinking we could... Streaks on the china Never mattered before Who cared When you drop kick your jacket When you came through the door

Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail. And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on? (LAUGHING) You see? I'm part of it! I'm part of it like everyone else!

Oh, crap. And I was going to watch G.I. Jose. (GROANS) Oh, no! You cut your forehead! What do we do? (IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, kids, if you have an open wound, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding. Then get some sleep and wait for the body to heal itself. Now we know.

ahh!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class. Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you, it wasn't at home. Was it, Chris? No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me. Oh, I should have figured.

Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist.

So, how do you win this game? Just fill this out when they say the letter and the numbers? Yeah, that's a sucker's bet. There's only one way to win this game. Wait for someone else to win and steal his card. G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year! King me.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that?

Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym. Okay, see you... Wait. What? Since when do you go to the gym? Well, it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize I'm completely out of shape. I mean, what if I run into that octopus again? Peter, that's ridiculous. Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners? No.

Well, okay. But how are we gonna get there? We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.

Oh, my God, is it 7:50? Damn it, I missed the bus.

I don't like fancy learnin' books I don't like apple tarts I don't like cozy breakfast nooks I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts, wet farts

Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend. Lois isn't even into women. She just had that one experience in college with that girl Naomi. Naomi's the one who's coming. (CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay!

Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday. - I got cash! - I'll take it! Suit yourself. Hey, Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place. Hey! hey!

A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

Good night, buddy. Hey, what's the matter? I'm scared of the storm, Dad. Why, you know, I think the storm is moving away from us, Chris. You know how I can tell? Here's a little trick. When you see the lightning, you count all the terrible things that can happen to a child, until you hear the thunder. And if you count higher each time, you know the storm is moving away from you.

We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy. We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head. You go, "Wow! What happened?" Hmm. We take you on a little trolley ride down Story Lane. You're having a good time, enjoying our tale, think you know what's coming. Boom, left turn! You don't know how it happened! You don't know where you are, but you like it. Uh-huh. You're watching the show. The ducks are saying stuff.

Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown. No problem, Meg. If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it.

Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.

Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner. Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon.

That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!

(PANTING)

No! Whoa!

Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la.

Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

Well, I'm not worried, Joe, you'll think of something. I gotta tell you, not being able to pay my child's hospital bills somehow makes me feel like less of a man. Oh, honey, that's silly. I'm gonna show you what a man you really are. Now, let's go put your penis on.

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Yee, would your people really do this?

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?

I don't know. Do you have my OxyContin? What? Are you the guy? I'm a guy. I want my drugs. What are drugs? I don't think this is the call I was expecting. (DIAL TONE) Now, Peter, this is your silverware. You see, this is your fork, and this is a knife.

Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.

Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once.

(LAUGHING) I know, huh? Classic. (CLICKS) I got to forward this to my bud. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (LAUGHING)

(GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian!

His eyes are bluish Bright and I love you-ish And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude Peter, my boy Yes You're sweet as chocolate cake

They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg? Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we're working together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me! What's that? Give it to me, Neil! Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you.

Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife."

ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.

Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month, as it is the 70th birthday of his mustache? Oh, I think we just send a nice card. Just make sure it has a mustache on it. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. What can we, as citizens, do about mustache awareness? Good mustache question.

Meg and Kent are having space sex We can't show it But that's what's happening (BOTH MOANING)

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do? Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.

Sounds like you need a roommate. Where did you get that kind of money? I picked up Chris's paper route. Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. Piss off, you perverted old freak! Oh, we got a fighter.

Oh, my God! Angela! Angela, wake up! What the... Griffin?

(GROWLING)

Okay, Chris, roll film. And action! Joe, get out of the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (SCREAMS) Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talking. (LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) God, I hate these things. Sweetie, can't you just have a good time?

See you guys later. What a queer. He's going all the way to Vermont for cat gifts and whatnot? You can get a scratching post down at Walmart for $2, pair of Lee jeans for $9. You know, they got seats for children now. You put them right in your car. Supposed to make them safer.

(CROWD APPLAUDING) Yeah, that's fair. No, that's totally a fair score.

But I do anyway because I am not a robot!

That was beautiful, Mrs. Griffin. Up next is, Jake Tucker. (PLAYING OFF-KEY) (PLAYING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE)

We should probably note that that is not a photo of Charles Yamamoto. That's another overweight Asian guy, but you get the idea. Wow, maybe, you should enter the contest, Dad.

I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later. Thanks, you guys. That was really cool.

Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

Great album, Lois. Great album. I didn't know who I was until I heard this album. (HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear.

you know, this looks awfully familiar. Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high.

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

President Mike Obama! President Barack Obama!

Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.

You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.

So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge. (FARTING)

Look, i--i--I really don't even know why I'm here. The urologist said I was fine. Well, sometimes these things can be psychological. Doubt that! I mean, I've got a very comfortable life. I live with a great family. All my needs are met. Ok, look. So, maybe this isn't where I thought I was gonna be at 7 years old.

Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"? I'd say 5'10". Okay, we'll go 5'9" and a half. And now, how old was he? Late 30s, maybe 37. I don't know, anywhere between 35 and 40. Okay, well, let's say 37. How about ethnicity? Yeah, he was Asian-American. Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean.

"If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears. Meg, what happened? Fat-ass and his drunk friends left me at the roller rink. You know, this wouldn't have happened if I had my own car. Meg, people have always found ways to get around without a car.

She's got a point, Peter. You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money. Hey, Hey, guys and dolls! Drinks are on do-re-me! Ha! Ha! Oh, Where'd you get that? Oh, This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, Ian Greenstein, heh! He made some smart investments that really paid off. That guy is to money what Miss Ann Margaret is to...

Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

Why did we need the horse suit for that?

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check.

Is that Tom Bosley? What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switzerland? I--I'm almost certain. Tom! Did he look? I don't know. well, If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley! No, it's not him. Oh.

So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted. At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian,

(NORMAL VOICE) Chris, I don't want a tie! Pick something else!

Neil, I wanna be your girlfriend. What? I was wrong to drive you away. We belong together. Of course, I'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me. You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that.

Great! Who's my partner?

Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out. Do you mind, Brian? No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Have a go, Brian. As Mr. H. L. Mencken said "The common man's a fool" And just like Helen Keller said... (MUMBLING) But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear Hey! Because all we need is a bag o' weed to make us want to cheer

"P.S. If the cops ask, "tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. "If you tell anyone otherwise, "I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you. "And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Oh, my God, I hope the guys at Sears portrait studio will be able to retouch this. What am I saying? Of course they will. They're Sears. What the deuce? Well, hello there. I say, you're a cute little fellow. Tell me something, what do you think about Rose McGowan?

Oh, that's awful. That's awful. Um, This is a song I've been singing for a number of years. And, I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by. Hungry eyes

The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not. Um... Excuse me.

Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now, and we'll be bringing our friend who is absolutely, 100% not Jewish.

A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record. If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket. Well, the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird.

Hey, Brian, I'm not gonna recycle this aluminum can. I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. Your Earth's bitch.

I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman. Well.... Please, just take care of yourself, honey. Hey guys. ls everyone on the phone? " got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie.

The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney. And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.

What the hell are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk. Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young, either. Brian, we should sip Bacardi like it's your birthday. What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!

(SIGHS) Guys, put the money back and get out of there. PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room.

Now I won't have to take that job as Matt Damon's neck. Hey, Matt. Matt. Hey, is this another one of those movies where you're an educated Boston street tough? I don't have to take that crap from you, neck. You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die. You'll die if you do that. Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf?

You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this.

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit. Hey, there. How you doing? Who are you? I'm Santa. You're Santa? Do you have my new cell phone? Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa?

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while?

Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie. And we have something very tasty for big fat you. Bon appetit. Oh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it. Watch me. That's it. Watch this. Oh, Stewie, stop eating like a little piggy. Maybe We should cut down on your sweets.

There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this. Unless I saw a script first. Of course. You know, This isn't bad. It's kind of like Bang the Drum Slowly, except the drum's a chick.

I can't believe Horace is dead. I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up. I'm gonna pee! Listen, I just feel awful about this. Horace was a good bartender and a good guy.

We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street.

Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man

Don't wish it away Don't look at it like it's forever Between you and me I could honestly say

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

PLAYER 6: You suck!

Hey there, buddy. Go away! You know, you remind me of a guy I know. This guy worked and worked and never wanted to retire, even though it would've been the best thing for him. You know what that man's name was? Jon Benet Ramsey.

Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny,

You're coming in too fast! Look out! (BOTH SCREAMING)

Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug. Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia Airport, where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing.

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over.

(GASPING) DVDs! Oh, books.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS) (GROWLING) It was awful, Rupert.

Here are the American spies we captured, Mr. Prime Minister. (GASPING) (SIGHING)

Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies, but one passenger had survived, gone home and mercilessly beat his wife. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING) I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this.

Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one.

It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can.

(PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant. PETER: No, you're going to yell at me!

Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty! (CLANKING)

You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

(TIRES SQUEALING) Nice going, Joe. Well, it's great being back in the North, where people are civilized. (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Hey, what, are you guys all on a date? Gay!

Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created. Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew.

Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies.

God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it.

Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."

Yeah, he's at the dentist.

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

He now belongs to the public.

You just carry a picture of a diseased prostate around with you? Never know when it's going to come up in conversation, and then who's the one who's prepared? I've also got a map of Middle-earth, a cat doing a pull-up, and the guys from Primus. These poster jokes doing anything for you? Eh, hit and miss. We should hang out more.

I'm tired of being small. I wish I was big. Blast!

But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you?

Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse. There's always one. WOMAN: You can cry about it, or you can decide to live. It's your choice. STEWIE: Found her. Hey, what is it, Doc? Well, as a dog, Brian's kidneys are smaller and don't have the capacity of a human kidney.

It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

I've got to get this shipment of sugar cane, tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end. That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag. Oh, no. Privateers.

Once again, Ashlee Simpson. (BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) (CROWD CHEERING) MAN'S VOICE: Old Man River That Old Man River

No. I cannot get sick right now. There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower,

Chris, grab a guitar. Brian, take the drums. Here, Stewie, play with this. Mom, can we please just get out of here? - Oh, my God. - Who is she? God, I could strangle her all night long. Boy, that's not healthy, is it? That that's the first place I go to? Hit it!

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand. The Army said you'd been killed in action. What happened? Well, it's quite a story. In some ways, Army life in Iraq is what you'd expect,

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass.

Donny Most Donny Most He was Ralph on Happy Days Donny Most

Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)

So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire,

I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High. They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo! Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay.

I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that. I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again.

Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it. Fantastic. And to help us forget about it, family, I'd like to introduce New Brian. Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? (ALL LAUGHING) I like him.

(CLICKING) (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are. All right, hang on. Here we go.

I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode!

Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.

Hey, boys. Mind if we join the party?

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS) ...in spite of the fact that your people control a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth, and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

So, how's the weaning going? Oh, it's horrible. Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear.

Oh, grody.

You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.

I'm just doing some playful, walking-away banter during the music. STEWIE: Can we not do that? I have such a headache. BRIAN: Sorry! Time I've been passing time watching trains go by All of my life

(HARRY GASPING) All right. Good so far. No, no, no, don't use the bats like that! No, no. Don't use them like that, either! All right, look. Just put them down and use your fists. No, no, no, not like that! All right. This next exercise will train you to talk like a straight man.

Aw, Looks like somebody's hungry. All right! I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job. Well, There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on.

I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face. All right. Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition. Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man, that was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie?

Marty Scorsese. Who's the star of Silence of the Lambs? Tony Hopkins. Who sang Hold on to the Nights? Dick Marx. Who is the cast of Miami Vice? Donnie Johnnie, Philly Mikey Tommy and Eddie Jimmy Olmos. You are just douchy to the core.

Ice cream truck!

You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?

" can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three. Do it again! All right, everyone. Clearly, something very strange has happened here.

I had a hunch. Thank you, Brian. I'm glad you shared that with me.

Yes, you are, if you wanna be. Ah. Oh, Wow. Imagine, me, president. I'll do it!

I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?" Come here. I'll take care of that, sweetie. It's got spit all over it. Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau. What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist.

Ah, It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! This is great. This is the rush I've been looking for. Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks.

Uh, kitty?

What's going on here? Oh, We invited Neil's family over for dinner. Hi! Hello!

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES)

There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage

Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

Hey, you! Get into my car. Neil, would you-- I would be honored. Thanks.

One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs.

Look! I'm making an angel! See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. Now, smile while I write my name in you.

Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen.

(ALL SINGING) Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?

Make sure your wife is out of the room.

What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza.

Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,

Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

Well, tonight we're doing facials.

Oh, hi. Oh, hey, um, I just came to say, um, you know, in a couple of years, something's going to come along called Sesame Street. And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind. The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this.

Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)

Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.

Get your fat space ass back here.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one!

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word

Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

Go on, Stewie. Get the note for Mommy. How dare you use me for your own personal selfish... Hmm. Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD.

What the... Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For example, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around,

We'll never find another place in time! Oh, For once, it was all gonna be so perfect! Aah! Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect. We'll give him the best birthday ever right here in the safety and comfort of our own home. Peter, we've been over this. Honey, you won't have to lift a finger. I got us a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass pinata, the works!

It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Everyone, guess what. What? I have been selected. For what? Oh, nothing too important. Just jury duty! They have summoned me. I am part of an elite group of individuals deemed intelligent enough to decide the fate of a fellow citizen.

Kill me!

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while?

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez.

You should've told me...

by--by Chopin.

(IN QUIET VOICE) Easy on those trans-fats. Not everything needs gravy. You know, there're some carrots down at the other end. That cheesecake was for everyone. Her hand was right beneath my pillow. She could have snapped my neck if she had a mind to.

You know, Rupert, I miss the Earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space... (ALARM WAILING) Uh-oh, Rupert, we've got company, and I don't think it's the Avon Lady. Strap yourself in. No matter what happens, it's been a privilege to serve under you.

Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you? Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous... You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What?

So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

Forrest Gump. I win. Who? Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus!

It's delightful. Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you. Oh, Peter!

Uh, Lois, you might want to check this out. What is it, Brian? Take a look. And now, boys and girls, it's time for Petey's Funhouse. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING)

Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man.

No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it.

Well, it's good we found out who we all are,

Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Yeah, all right! Well, let's hit the hospital, get checked for teleportation cancer and then party! Well, since the teleportation machine failed to get us to Vegas, I suppose we should just catch our plane. I'll repair it when we get back. You know, this is going to be a good trip, Brian. I really feel like fate is on our side.

Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy. Fine, I didn't want to play anyway! Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square!

and you're in a pillowcase. You're out of your mind. Brian's young. And I'm gonna prove it to you. Hey, youthful guy. How is your barizzness on this aggressively redonkulous morning? What the hell are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me.

What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview? Shut up and get a ladder or something. Actually, yeah. Maybe we are doing an interview. So, Stewie, tell us about that new project you have coming up. What're you talking about? Get me down, you douche. No. First you tell me about that new project. Oh, you are so dead. Is that the title of your new film?

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry.

(SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama?

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me.

Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay. Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years, but that's gonna change. It's gonna be different from now on. And I'm gonna make you into a better person,

Here, kitty, kitty.

STEWIE: Lois?

I don't care. Jury duty sounds boring. I'm gonna get myself kicked out. Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay. Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit?

ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them. Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris.

What are we fighting about?

Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah?

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey,

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all.

I'm "Nudes on Ice"!

Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus.

You've got a lot to see

Well, the money's the important thing. Now little Paul can get his-- Point Break! That was the movie!

You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.

I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

She'll be coming round the mountain

I don't get it. Last time we saw you, Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife. Yeah! How the hell did you come back to life? Well, gentlemen, sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages.

I don't believe this. Joe wouldn't be famous if it hadn't been For me. how come he's getting all the glory? He's handicapped. That's what makes his story so inspirational. Handicapped... Hmm. Ahh!

Trust me, you're banging eight strangers who responded to a flyer, at some point you're gonna look out a window and question every decision you've ever made.

the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law. My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

I've got my top hat and cane and a pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles You suck! Somebody get a hook! This is worse than Seussical! No! No, wait! wait! I was about to do this thing.

Oh, what's this? What's this? It says right here we won! We won, you dicks! You suck! Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down? We're having my son's birthday party over here. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, honey. What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam.

Play your song, Melody Sheep, to aid the little ones' nourishment. But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written. "These were difficult times "for the children of Ipswich "when the lollipop famine "cursed their pleasant village." How can you stand watching this?

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.

Tickets to Foxy Boxing? Yeah, it's this cool thing where girls in bikinis box each other. We're all going Saturday night! Man, would you look at that? Two smoking-hot chicks repeatedly striking each other. Yeah, it reminds me of Thanksgiving.

I might remember Charmese from a stag party in 1991. Ask her if she remembers getting hit in the forehead with a meatball sandwich. You guys, I can't stay married to her. This whole thing is a complete disaster! In fact, you know what?

I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

That's Quagmire.

- Why are you saying it like that? - Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's ru-ined. You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this. Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening. That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins.

All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over.

Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse.

I have new gloss. " love gloss. Gloss rhymes with hair. - STEWIE: Dude, that was painful. - What are you doing here? Did you follow us? Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here? Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'm gonna have to break it off. But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin.

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add...

Your little peep show is over! We're taking back our men! Peep show? I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids. And nobody cheers. No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special.

I've never felt so scared.

You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! (DOOR SLAMMING)

Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right?

Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning. Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act.

Lucky there 's a family guy

Yeah, or a T. rex trying to masturbate. All right, Internet porn, check. Tissues, check. Lotion, check. Okay, let's go. Aw! (GROWLS) (ROARING)

Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

I'm afraid you're just gonna have to accept the fact that... She's gone. No!

That doesn't hurt the story. And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell."

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Some weather we're having. Okay. I was recently in Munich. Did you ever notice how the government buildings there are quite well-maintained? Okay. We have no guest. Good night.

I know there's been some concern about my sphincter's low shutter speed. No, no, we're just going to the park, Todd. Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy the ride, then. Around the park one more time, Bitterman. Peter, I'm not your chauffeur. Not for long with that attitude, Bitterman. (GROANS) Ah! This is living, Bitterman.

Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

But, Brian, I miss him!

He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING) My God! She's dead. She's been shot! (ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy. Oh, my God. It was him!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.

I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.

Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is?

God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right. And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince? (SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay.

"And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented. That was awful.

and that, sir, is an idiot.

It's been two months, Armando.

NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.

(BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian!

I got hit by a baseball! (Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You... You don't find me attractive anymore. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying.

Hey, y'all. Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian.

BRIAN: So, what are we on, the first floor? CHRIS: We are on the second floor. PETER: No, no, no, here's the Banana Republic, and we just passed that. It's right back there. We parked on the Macy's side, so now we must be over here by the JCPenney. CHRIS: It looks like the first floor is mostly men's stuff, and there's a Lady Foot Locker right over there. BRIAN: All right, so we're on the third floor.

I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone. I, uh, i-I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me. Now, just a minute! Ahh! The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! I felt weak! Y-You never listen to me! Y-You undermine me in front of the kids!

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming.

I will take Drakkar Noir.

Yeah. Uh, i--I don't get it. So, like, can the family understand the baby? Or--Or what's-- what's the deal with that?

Oh! Uh-oh.

Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse!

Hungry Hungry Hippos! Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice. You got another one, dude. Plutonium! H-He is real! He's really, really real!

I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money! Boy, she's pretty pissed. Who thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons? Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you? Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers.

Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone?

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em.

You first.

Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk!

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris!

Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

(GROWLS) Holy shit! You ain't never gonna believe what I just seen. Tyra Banks? See, now you say something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more. Oh! Come on, what did you see? I don't remember. I just was thinking about Tyra Banks.

LOIS: Peter, can you come down to the laundry room? (SIGHS) Son of a bitch. If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt.

Come on, Peter, let's go. Brian, I felt something. Just now, talking to that bitch cancer widow. I think I may have a gift. Peter, we were just doing a demonstration... No, Brian. This is real. I believe I am psychic. My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic.

Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em. (LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says. All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow.

You want anything special? What? You mean like a sandwich? Yeah. Oh, no, I mean, I couldn't... You know, whatever you make will be fine. - Hey, Biggs. - Yeah? You're just as big a part of this as...

What the hell does that have to do with anything? They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.

Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids.

(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good. (MOANING) Can I help you folks find something?

So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?

Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here. Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay.

Dynomite!

what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow.

Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man.

They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. (SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry!

(ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer

Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help! Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there?

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion!

I don't want to! (GRUMBLING)

ANNOUNCER: Each shoe sold separate.

Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby."

How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things? Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know.

Thank you. 'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree?

And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car. You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like washing board! Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad. Wow, he really did it.

Please, you gotta help us. They've been lost for hours. For God's sakes, Stewie's only a baby. A search party is being organized as we speak, ma'am. But I'm afraid, at the moment, I'm the only one on duty. Oh, my God! So, you're the only one working these woods, huh? Yes.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat! Aw, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat. These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached. Beautiful island. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Stewie!

I knew you were awake. You!

And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

Nah, nah Family guy

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

(GRUMBLING) Cream of Wheat. (MUMBLING) Jeopardy! (MUMBLING) Butterscotch pudding.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois.

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby. I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody!

My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other wet willies and funny arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt. Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was! But, back then, we were called "pole fancies." It was real good, old-fashioned, grab-the-nearest-tree and-hold-on-for-dear-life gay,

Oh, there's my apple juice.

Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!

Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

God, she's more stubborn than you are! Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set. No! But you've gone for two turns! Get lost! It looks like fun and I want to do it! No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump off! (SCREAMING) - Get Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

We now return you to Native American What's Happening!! Hey, Rerun, you see Dwayne? Not today. Oh, here he come. How, how, how.

And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. TERRORIST: We missed!

Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.

So, listen, Cleveland. Um, The reason I asked you out here, uh, I've been wanting to talk to you about something. In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!

ALL: Jew!

It's just that I don't want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could still be friends. I'd like that, too. Want to go for a swim? Sure. You're a girl? Of course I am! Oh, my God!

Whoa!

Jim. Merianna. Geez, Joe. Yeah, I come here a lot. All right, I'm gonna hit the john. Good. Me and Joe can stay here and tell secrets. I'm wearing my dead grandmother's panties.

I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) I was in the bathroom.

Oh, hell no! Meg! Oh, my God. Kent, I just texted you that the plan was off.

And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do Me and Jesus What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air You're a real pal, Jesus. Well, I'll tell you this, Peter. You ain't never had a friend like me.

Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty!

None of this makes any sense. Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source, for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case. Now we're here, where the hell's our host?

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

And you're in. Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME) What the hell was that?

King me. I don't want to play anymore. The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug. Wh-- I--I can't. Be my angel and set me free.

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

What? That's crazy. Look, I'm gonna call Mahmoud right now on this cell phone he gave me. He'll tell you. (BEEPING) (DISTANT EXPLOSION) Damn phone's busted. Maybe I dialed wrong. (BEEPING) (EXPLOSION) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Peter, please stop trying to call Mahmoud. This is very serious. Your friends are terrorists. Think about it.

Freezing my nips off out here.

The revelation, jackass! It could have helped you save your marriagE. OH!

(LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh. I knew I didn't like the sound of that laugh! Peter, this is unacceptable! What gives you the right to treat me like this? You've been treating me like crap for 20 years, Mr. Pewterschmidt, and now I'm the one in charge. Hang on a second. (SHARPENER WHIRRING)

Do you know how to take it off?

Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word Peter, I kind of want to do this on my own. Babs, I need you. Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I kneel before you a frightened soul and a broken man.

Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. (DOORBELL RINGING) Well, hello there, young man. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice.

And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

Peter, I thought we agreed,

(ALARM WAILING) (MAN SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Well, it sounds like I'm needed outside.

God, I should take her out right here with these, man. Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? (EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass.

Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin.