But oh, no! I'm naked!
(CLANKING)
Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO.
Lois, can I go Slip 'n Slide in the yard? Has it been half an hour since you've eaten? Yes. Almost. Okay, I just want to be sure you don't get a cramp. Yay! Poor people water fun! Hey, Chris. Uh, can I ask you a question?
I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed.
Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.
Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again. Who ate all the pecan sandies?
Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Oh, thank God that's over. Yeah, no kidding. Hey, you know, there's not too many guys in the world who would be willing to do something like that for their pal. Ah, don't mention it. No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy.
Hey, Meg. I heard what happened. Yeah, Kent hates me now. You made a mistake. I know you feel terrible, but you're not a bad person, Meg. You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so. All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night.
Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face. Had to poo Sha-doop-a-doop-a-doo And he stepped into that box there and suddenly there was a big flash of light. That's when he went back in time Oh, my God, Stewie, we have to get him back.
Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire! Here, that ought to cover it. Peter, I don't want your money! Well, fine, then. Have a box of Jeremy Irons Cereal. If you're looking for a prize at the bottom, there is none. Only more cardboard.
All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio.
Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!
Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard! That is Journey. Streetlight people
Good evening, Death Star. Tonight a special report on the controversial attack on Alderaan. While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.
You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family.
Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.
Not only will I be able to put food on the table and pay all my bills, I'll also be able to finance my Christmas album. (ANNOUNCER) Sessions presents, a Peter Griffin Christmas. Featuring such standards as...
(I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free! As she coming back? " don't know.
Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what he offered? I think the whole thing was very strange. He thought you were strange! How about that? Whatever. I just can't help but wonder. Will I ever see him again?
Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!
An Audi! I'm getting a car!
Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.
Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing. Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV!
(SCREAMING) Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs?
You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!
(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I...
I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell?
Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?
Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town.
HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?
I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard. Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.
Diane, I'd say it was perfect if you Weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage.
Hook up with me! Come on! We can make this work. Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird.
Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you?
Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.
f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps.
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.
(LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.
I am so clever. That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war. There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq. Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war.
like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.
Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad I risked my life and everything. Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that? Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart. Goodbye, big fart.
This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening, you did something that changed the course of your history, causing the time line to skew off into an alternate tangent, where you're married to Molly Ringwald, Quagmire's married to Lois,
Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!
(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now,
I'm pregnant. From my finger? No, you don't understand. God has blessed me with his child. You banged Kevin God from South Nazareth? No, no, Joseph, I mean God. I'm carrying God's baby. He... He sent down an angel.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)
Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.
What happened? Oh, my God!
Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party. (ALAN LAUGHS) Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude.
On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy
(SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!
Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta.
No parking at the mall. It's a terrible place. What else? Um, how about the zoo? Too much walking. Too much noise. You can't have any good conversation. Not like at Chili's. Where else? Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.
I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody. I mean, I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you. You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you. You're my brother and you'll always be my brother. I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? Yeah. I'm afraid so.
I am having a really great time. Me, too. I really value our friendship. You're not like those other Snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.
Okay! See you guys later. I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)
That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie. All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody.
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!
Who? Top men.
Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches.
Well, okay. But how are we gonna get there? We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.
everything's gonna be ok.
MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation,
JOHN BUNNELL: This Rebel lawbreaker thinks he can outrun the Empire. The pursuing officers realize he's entered a residential area. They give him a wide berth, but they don't let him out of their sight. Astonishingly, the driver makes a left, right into an asteroid field.
A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...
God, Seamus. I've never seen you this naked. (EXCLAIMS) It's good to let the old midsection breathe. What... How the hell are you alive?
Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star!
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!
Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?
Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.
Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner. Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon.
That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!
Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar! Hey, Peter. What's up? Hey, Quagmire. Listen, I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio.
Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la.
Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.
I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks. Lois, this pasta, better than Italy.
Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps. (SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.
Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake.
Yeah. How's it going? Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here? Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys. Lucky for me, huh? No, a hobby's good. All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already? Yup, come on. (GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career.
Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once.
Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.
Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.
Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment. Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on.
I just do data entry! All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face. Please! I've had it up to here with Ewoks. Now, stab him and wear his face! And then go home to his family still wearing his face, and see how long it takes them to figure out that it's you and not him.
(LAUGHING) I know, huh? Classic. (CLICKS) I got to forward this to my bud. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (LAUGHING)
I don't even know what I did with the copy that you gave... Oh, fuck! There it is. Hey, you know what else would be great?
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you.
Look, I know I screwed up big time.
ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.
text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.
Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.
All right, now, I want you to meet me at this address in an hour, and we'll slap five there. Then afterwards, we'll hit the bars. That sounds good to me. I'm 18, and I'm ready to do some living. We are gonna raise more hell than Hellraiser. (GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak?
Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience."
I think he has stage fright.
It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.
A dry sponge is a happy sponge.
Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit! Hmm. Look, This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Now I won't have to take that job as Matt Damon's neck.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the '90s. Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'" It used to bay That you loved may But now it's nineteen-ninetay
But your father's bringing in the old TV. Hey, Meg. Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS)
We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it. To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?
Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!
Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this.
Well, you're gonna have to help him find one, because I've had enough of him living in this house. You're overreacting, Lois, and you can't spell "overreacting" without "ovary." Because you're a girl. I'm not overreacting. Hey, just an FYI. Really, no reason to go into any greater detail than this. Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again.
Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...
Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?
Sorry I'm late, Lois. Peter, what are you doing here? Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this.
Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.
Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet? I fixed it already. No You didn't. It's still dripping. No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man. Oh, my God!
It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.
Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes. Running, throwing, lifting big things. Teslik. That's all right with me, man.
President Mike Obama! President Barack Obama!
Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck. Okay, Stewie, time for bed.
Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.
But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.
Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"? I'd say 5'10". Okay, we'll go 5'9" and a half. And now, how old was he? Late 30s, maybe 37. I don't know, anywhere between 35 and 40. Okay, well, let's say 37. How about ethnicity? Yeah, he was Asian-American. Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean.
"If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?
(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.
I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head. Well, If I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem. You got some ideas? Tell me. Oh, I'll tell you. Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange. How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude?
Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check.
You had a heart attack, sweetie. A heart attack?
Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.
(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you. And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today.
So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted. At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian,
If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And There's nothing you can say that'll change my minD. EiTHer You kill them, or I kill you. Aw, Crap!
Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.
Great! Who's my partner?
I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin.
Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.
Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd!
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested?
CHORUS: Fifth caller Caller number five MAN: Not four, not six WOMAN: (SEXILY) Oh, five MEN: (YELLING) Cinco! Cinco! Cinco!
Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.
The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by.
You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.
The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney. And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.
All right, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there is something else down there in the bottom of the sea. Something that you will be able to relate to. There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!
and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.
GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit. Hey, there. How you doing? Who are you? I'm Santa. You're Santa? Do you have my new cell phone? Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa?
(WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So? Brian, he put it up inside. Oh, God. Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory.
Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe.
We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street.
Take on me take me on
Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man
Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening. Well, I don't see a way around it, do you? I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?
Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
PLAYER 6: You suck!
Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.
Peter, are you peeing in that skull? No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ass.
We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!
Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
The hell I am!
Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny,
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.
There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.
I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn.
Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)
I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'! I'm going to get a floor mirror to squat over and see what's making all that noise. Okay, everybody just calm down. We're not going to go crazy spending our winnings, and we're not going to let this money change us. What are you talking about? This money is our ticket to the good life, starting now.
All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier.
Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel? He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs.
As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy!
But they're newlyweds, right? Well, that's no time to have a house guest. Got to go. Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual. Where the hell are those purchase orders?
Let's get out of here, Brian. That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me. Don't let me catch you, 'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later.
Hi, Andy Dick here.
You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers.
in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors. And in other news, they're bringing back Passions! Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome!
You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?
you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie! How long is Dad gonna be in Washington? As long as it takes. He's a very important man now. You know, He's the spokesman for his entire industry.
So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it.
What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.
Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog. Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."
How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.
God, is that true? God?
But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.
Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse. There's always one. WOMAN: You can cry about it, or you can decide to live. It's your choice. STEWIE: Found her. Hey, what is it, Doc? Well, as a dog, Brian's kidneys are smaller and don't have the capacity of a human kidney.
Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)
10, 9, 8...
But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt.
This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow!
I got a rock. I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain! I spent my refund on a plug- in Playmate. So, schoolteacher.
I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.
we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff.
Come on, Brenda, a stupid nursery rhyme isn't going to wake him up, especially the way you sing. (LAUGHING) Right, man? Gyaa. Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation Your friends want to go fishing with you This song is from childhood? Live to see tomorrow
All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.
Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand. The Army said you'd been killed in action. What happened? Well, it's quite a story. In some ways, Army life in Iraq is what you'd expect,
Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit-- I get the message, Peter.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Donny Most Donny Most He was Ralph on Happy Days Donny Most
I gotta do it, Karen. I just gotta take a shot. That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it.
Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.
Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)
Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)
Nick Jonas is so cute.
Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay.
Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that. I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again.
Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, There's something magical about brown. Brown's the color of poo! Yes. Yes, it is.
I want to thank you all for coming out here today. We got a serious situation down in the Bronx. (TRUMPET PLAYING SLOW SONG) Our friend needs to get a message to the short man in the hat. (TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) (SHOUTING) He needs to deliver this message before the construction-site contracts are handed down. (TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to!
Chris, what are you doing?
Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are. All right, hang on. Here we go.
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.
Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.
(SIGHS) Let's just get through this.
Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!
We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.
Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.
Whoa! Whoa!
You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
Oh, my God! Get it out of here!
Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you! You're why cavemen painted on walls!
You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?
I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.
You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.
(GASPS) What are you doing here? CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die!
(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.
Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie. Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie.
Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?
You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?
Oh, How did you get so sweet?
(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to.
You son of a bitch!
I want to hear more music about pie. It's a wonderful day for pie And it smells a lot better than I Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny
Uh, kitty?
Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
I always enjoy traveling companions. Let's play 20 questions. Am I Bo Bice? Yes, I am. Well played, worthy adversary. We're gaining on him. I'm coming, Rupert.
Enough of that. Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now.
There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage
Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone
Hello? Is anybody home? Aah! Greetings, man in white.
Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again! (ALL CLUCKING) Let me out of here! I can't watch another second!
My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)
That son of a bitch.
Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin.
There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!
Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela."
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!
What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
Who is that angel? That's Susie Swanson. You don't say. What, like, you think you have a shot with her? Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America.
Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Kate. You don't get it. We are the island. Hand me that paper bag.
dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.
Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard
A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.
Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony!
Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)
And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!
Get your fat space ass back here.
I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day.
This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!
What the... Peter, you're not supposed to be in the audience. Get the hell up onstage. All right. Hey there, sir. Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you? Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. "Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You like that? Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt at the first Thanksgiving.
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word
Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
Kill me!
(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson.
or one of those terms like "donkey punch"? No. Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so. Well, whatever it is, I like it. Green light.
The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.
ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)
Sh-sh-she's new.
Little story brewing there? Working on? Working on that for quite some time, huh? Talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative. Beginning, middle, and end. Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer for the experience? Yeah?
"T"...
and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?
So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?
That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
Sorry, sir, private party tonight. I'm a friend of Dave Navarro's. You're a friend of Dave Navarro's. You saw me here last week. I seem like a cool dude. I saw you here last week. You seem like a cool dude. Move along. Move along, move along.
What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)
You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING)
Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.
Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?
Great news, everybody. Democracy just kicked in. (GIGGLING)
(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)
your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me
Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open!
I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry.
Hey. Sorry I'm late. Brian! What are you doing here? I'm in your class. What? No way! I don't want you in here! Too bad. Here's my class receipt. Now teach me how to find love. All right. Fine. But you lick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.
(SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama?
(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me.
TERRORIST: We missed!
Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean. Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how! I'm sorry. Can I help you?
Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them.
God, a D.U.I.! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail! It's ok, Brian. You'll get through this D.U.I., and you'll be a better person for it. Well now Hold on A minute. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization! Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?
uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! No! Whoa!
Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem, performed this afternoon by Peter Griffin and his dirt bike. (ENGINE REVS TO THE TUNE OF THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER)
Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris.
Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.
Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah?
Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey,
Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus.
You've got a lot to see
He's a family guy
I mean, he's got, like, one good song. Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible. Yeah, the opening's okay. And I guess you can't hate Copacabana. Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right?
Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that. I just think, you know, I just think, "Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would do. Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child...
I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow! - Whoa, what was that? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was my father talking. You, uh, gotta work on that, man. Bad dog.
How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh!
Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home.
Peter, you know I'm dying to see Zapped. I would much prefer Krull. Well, maybe you should just go by yourself. Well, maybe I will. Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we...
She'll be coming round the mountain
- That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was.
Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?
Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes. And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!
I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address. Let's see. "Aspen, Colorado." Well, you can forget that. We're not going all the way to Aspen. What? But I can't leave Rupert to perish. For the rest of my life, I'll be as lonely as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, after the rapture.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
Apparently, there were 100 kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog. And yet my guy can't get dick. JOYCE: Singled out for special recognition in orchestrating today's drug bust was Officer Joe Swanson. It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight. Is that a thing?
Yay! I'm part of things, too. Yay! (ALL CHEERING) The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.
I might remember Charmese from a stag party in 1991. Ask her if she remembers getting hit in the forehead with a meatball sandwich. You guys, I can't stay married to her. This whole thing is a complete disaster! In fact, you know what?
Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.
You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!
Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse.
These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.
(THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.
Oh, definitely got some weather Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first And then we go back to my house You sound like an unbelievable douche.
The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.
How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add...
You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! (DOOR SLAMMING)
Lucky there 's a family guy
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy. Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.
Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird.
Just like I got used to my acrylic nails. (PHONE RINGING) Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman. Hey, Laronda. No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.
(KISSING)
Julie!
Yeah, or a T. rex trying to masturbate. All right, Internet porn, check. Tissues, check. Lotion, check. Okay, let's go. Aw! (GROWLS) (ROARING)
Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.
Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.
(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?
No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it.
- What? - Just tell me, right now, that I don't have to stay in this room. You don't have to stay in this room. Oh, thank Christ!
You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back?
Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!
To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing! Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man. Alyssa is all alone.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.
Now we got to go to another club and start all over again.
Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is?
God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right. And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince? (SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay.
"And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented. That was awful.
and that, sir, is an idiot.
Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw.
NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.
(BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian!
ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... (ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will. You got a deal. DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.
Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly
She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on.
That's when Columbus set sail on his voyage to the New World. We're on a ship! That's right, This is the Santa Maria. One of 3 ships he took to find a route to India. Any sign of IndiA yet? Nothing yet, Captain. India? I thought he was going to America. On the contrary. Columbus discovered America entirely by mistake.
I think something may have happened. Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night, put him in the trunk of his car and then drive away? What? Chris, why didn't you say anything? I dropped the ball, I'm sorry. I have just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours.
After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.
I got hit by a baseball! (Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You... You don't find me attractive anymore. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying.
Santa's got his work cut out for him. We ain't even gotten started yet. I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What?
(BONES CRACKING) Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.
BRIAN: So, what are we on, the first floor? CHRIS: We are on the second floor. PETER: No, no, no, here's the Banana Republic, and we just passed that. It's right back there. We parked on the Macy's side, so now we must be over here by the JCPenney. CHRIS: It looks like the first floor is mostly men's stuff, and there's a Lady Foot Locker right over there. BRIAN: All right, so we're on the third floor.
Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?
JOYCE: Singled out for special recognition in orchestrating today's drug bust was Officer Joe Swanson. It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight. Is that a thing? It's a great thing. (CHEERING) - Great job, Joe! Way to go! There he is!
I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)
I only wish we could have a little more time together. We can.
That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!
Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse!
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
I'll relax him by using my catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING )
Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets? Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!
Fucking idiot.
Keith. Wow, look at this place. There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris!
Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--
Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke. I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. I'll tell the joke.
We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf. B-by--By the 3rd season, I was completely wasted all the time. I--i--I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But, uh, would I do it all again? We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods.
Stewie, guess what.
Knock, knock. Nicole? Ronald? Who's ready for Boggle? Oh, my God! No! Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole! My man, Ronald, who did this? Oh, man, they were so good together!
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.
What the hell does that have to do with anything? They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.
Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.
Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.
Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting.
(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good. (MOANING) Can I help you folks find something?
That's right,
All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken? Lois!
My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.
But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt.
Why are we in New York? I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon. Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects. Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?
So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?
Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here. Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay.
Dynomite!
what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow.
Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd.
They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. (SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry!
Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help! Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there?
What the hell is this?
We were just calling to... Are you there, dear? I hope you got our card. We had quite a cold snap here. Okay, nobody talk, we'll just wait for her to talk. Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear? Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold.
Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul.
Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance.
I don't want to! (GRUMBLING)
Damn it, Jerry, why are we the only ones still here? I don't know. We hated all the right things. Now there's nothing left to hate. I'm gonna hate that rock. No, I'm gonna hate that rock. Let's both hate that rock. I hate you. I hate you, too. Look, Stewie.
ANNOUNCER: Each shoe sold separate.
Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.
Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING)
Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do!
Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China, and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?" Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I tell you, This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe?
Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.
You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us. Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.
And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...
Nah, nah Family guy
You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding. But without Nilla Wafers it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions! Now clean it up!
Well, that'll do it for us here. Thanks for watching Channel Five, the most trusted name in news. (SPUTTERS) Oh, crap. (SPUTTERS) Oh, come on. (SPUTTERS) Ugh, let's go, Tom. (SPUTTERS) (GRUNTS) Work, damn it. What the hell? What's going on with the news?
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.
Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner. Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home? In a minute. Would you just look at this beautiful tree? Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.
Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois.
I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby. I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest.
Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.
Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes. And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!
You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody!
Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!
(HINGES CREAKING)
Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. Why? Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that. I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past? I mean, you could make life better for yourself. And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11.
You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word?
Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."
Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.
And I got you this bag of weed. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you. Gosh, thanks. Check you later, handsome guy. Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy.
The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!
He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.
We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off.
I did not want to have to do that. They were very nice to me up until then. Peter, stop staring out the window. Ryan's gone. He finished his movie, he's moved out.
Just remember In the winter Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed
Hey, Peter, does your tail itch?
Oh, hell no! Meg! Oh, my God. Kent, I just texted you that the plan was off.
Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here.
We'll show them somehow, Lois. I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews. I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways.
I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate.
Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited. And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by, I'll make sure he thinks you're.... Mr. Griffin, chillax. We're doing the best we can. There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker.
That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT) Well, that's it. Three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets. Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets.
Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!
(BOTH SCREAMING) Quick, Brian, get on! PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy. Oh, God! Now where are we?
And you're in. Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME) What the hell was that?
"Boy"? Oh, God. Uh... I left it on my other collar. You been chasing cars tonight, boy? Look, the name is Brian. I was just out for a little walk. That's all. Uh-huh. Without a leash. I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down! Oh. I don't believe this.
I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!
How could we have misjudged him so severely? Oftentimes, it's the ones who seem the happiest. Well, the upside is, at least we have our old Brian back. From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about. Hey, everybody, I'm Bernie the hamster.
No, that house is no good, Michael Cera lives there. He's just handing out low energy one-liners. Nice costume. (MUMBLING) I haven't put mine on. Not really. This is my costume.
would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass?
I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.
Brooke, I'm so in fore with you
Freezing my nips off out here.
And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs.
Meg, who let you back in the house?
So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand. Our son is a deserter. Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail. Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie. Joe, you can't! Bonnie, we'll discuss this later!
You just make me want to be a gayer man.
Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his. Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch? I don't understand what... Oh, wait. What? Really? Hey, Stewie! STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard!
Come on, now, let's not talk about work. It's a dinner party. Are you and Glenn thinking about children? Unfortunately, I can't have children. Oh. Menopause? No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas. Oh, the holidays are always stressful. I have $3.74. Do something to me.
Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin.
(SOFTLY) Throw it away in the outside garbage.
(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know.
But their plane is gonna be making a little stopover in Rhode IslanD. If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final.
Six fifty-one.
Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own. Peter, I hate to say this but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you. All he cares about is work. Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together. We can start our own father-son business.
- Morning, Peter. - Hey, Joe. Bonnie and I are having company tonight. Wondering if I could borrow some wet food. Yeah, sure thing. That's Joe. He's our local human catcher. So, don't misbehave or the human catcher will come after you, Gabe. My name's not Gabe! (SCREAMING) You're in big trouble, you little crap!
Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)
Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
Wow, 18-year-old Lois.
Oh, my God. Movable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord? Nothing. Back to your turnips. Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta. Wow, Mom. You look pretty. Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance...
Just a little. Ow. Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it.
(DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please.
And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of Hot dogs All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois.
now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action!
Well, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian? Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.
(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME) Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good.
Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion. (TRAIN APPROACHING) Train!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world.
Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe.
(SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear.
(ECHOING) Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy. Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than what was called for, but that's what happens when you challenge someone's faith.
- Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. Honey, be careful. This Pelican's Reef sounds dangerous. That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois.
You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING) (GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.
Connie Demico does toad?
Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris" They shine like sunny weather
You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.
Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy.
Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.
7.
What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!
Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?
- Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois.
Good-bye, kids.
Shut up, British Meg.
Will I ever see him again?
Look, I'm sorry, I can't have you in here punching the meat. I mean, there's really not too many things you can't do in here, but that is one of them. What about Paulie? He's having sex with the meat. Hey, Rock, I'm porking it. (CHUCKLES) That's a good one.
Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter. (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) Are you a pedophile?
I disagree!
what might not be okay with it. That's true. And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time?
Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom?
I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff,
But, Dad, you're retired. I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.
She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted.
This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! Ha! No bail! Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta. Newport would like to extend a special welcome... to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding.
family guy
You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri?
It's your last chance.
You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland.
Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No!
Hey, Peter, slap me five. Slap me ten. Around the side. And back again. Up high. Down low. Now, over by the diving board. Now, on the other side of the pool.
I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs. I think we should all go together to pick Meg up. She's probably a little fragile after being in there so long, and I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces. I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.
A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.
I may have made out with Meg. Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) What is it? Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me? Hey, you want a sugar cube, horsey? Oh! God, Brian, don't. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Evidence, Brian.
Me and Jesus Come and hug and squeeze us 'Cause you know That he's a simply Christ-terrific dude His eyes are bluish
Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah! If he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it.
After MySpace but before Twitter. There was a time before Twitter? Look who's here! Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble.
Peter, You are welcome to stay with us as long as you like. Aw, Thanks, Muriel. So, uh, What do you guys do for fun around here? We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California, to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.
That was fun. I like Gavin. (COUNTRY SONG PLAYING ON RADIO) Yay! This is such a great song. - Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over.
Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers!
So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Now he's violating Sea Breeze.
(ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11.
if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs.
What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?
Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!
MAN ON RADIO: This is Sierra Tango 817, Matthew McConaughey's private jet, requesting permission to land. Matthew McConaughey? Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817. All our runways are filled. But it looks empty from up here. We're almost out of fuel. No, no. No room at all. But, lucky for you, there's a big, new airport out in the middle of the ocean. Keep going. You can't miss it. Roger that.
Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!
Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean?
(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone.
Shoot your little baby Stewie. (SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you.
I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say. What are your demands? We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world.
Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!
Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway. Man! This is even better than... No, wait. No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know. Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.
Ah, Come on. Rules were made to be broken.
Boy, I hear you, too. It's a lot of work just to keep my single-guy fridge sufficiently depressing. Let's see. Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait. Root beer from two Julys ago. Here we go, expired milk. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Jenny, look how young you look. I sympathize with y'all.
You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water?
(LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.
Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets. All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him. Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh.
Oh. Good morning. Oh. Hey, Lois. Who's... Who's your friend? Rita, this is Lois. Lois, Rita. So great to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie.
I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour.
(COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)
NARRATOR: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Superman.
And there's the Vietnam War Memorial. Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to those Vietnam vets. Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Aw! What happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy! I kill him! He cry like a bitch! Vietnam, undefeated!
Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.
I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality.
- Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good.
Hey, you guys.
What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going. Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road.
Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together. Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team.
Oh, great. This is going to be worse than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin. (FARTING) Hi, Stewie. (FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there.
That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A-- (AnnOunceR) Chris Tucker and Jim ca-cazeve-cave... Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This.
Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. (LAUGHS) Movie references.
Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own.
Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)
This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING)
What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster.
He's a family guy
(CRACKS)
I've got a bar mitzvah to stop! Heh. No problem. Let me grab my keys. Heh. Here they are.
Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done.
You look great, Joe. Holy crap! That's fantastic! They still got that new leg smell. I put his old legs in a bag, if you want them.
I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice.
I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner. I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it. This is too freaky. Why didn't that thing take us home? I don't know! I told you, it hasn't been fully tested yet.
I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)
(SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves. Well, so what? That's not your problem. Do you think it's possible that... That this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?
"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow.
Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.
If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie,
I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for 2 weeks. I have not, Lois.
What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room. Questions? Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!
I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.
Alaska? But that's so far away! And what about the high percentage of Eskimo child molesters? Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!
All through the town (VOCALIZING) (EERILY) Peeper...
His boy Elroy
But how can you be having an affair?
I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading, but to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell.
Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.
You probably bought me another 3 minutes! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day. First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual.
(THUMPING) BRIAN: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint? Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one.
Ok, that's much clearer.
I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets.
Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It!
I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. Peter, look out! Holy crap! Oh, my God! Mr. Tucker, are you all right? Do I look like I'm all right? My back is broken and my leg is twisted! Oh, my God! Your hooker's dead. Well, she was already dead, but that doesn't excuse....
(WHISTLES) You think this is gonna work? Oh, yeah. Those Ewoks had all of five minutes to get things prepared. I'm sure it's all gonna work out fine. (HORNS BLOWING)
Okay, now, I also had a thought for a female character who's always nagging at Red Heinie Monkey and telling him not to leave his beer cans lying around and whatnot, and her name is Bitch Duck. That kind of looks like Mom. Not finished talking, Meg. Okay, and this is Poopy Face Tomato Nose. You can see I gave him a funny little suitcase.
The guy who watched The Simpsons Back in 1994 And won't admit the damn thing Isn't funny anymore And anyone and everyone Who's ever made me pissed!
Meg. Meg.
But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time.
I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.
I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins.
StewieGriffinFacial.com.
Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!
Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.
And I'll tell you something else. I like you. Thanks. You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie. (BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.
Shut up, Meg.
You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this. You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
What's his appeal?
(SIGHING) (VACUUM CLEANER ROARING) (GROANING) (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS) (EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet.
Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!
(WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)
Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him?
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry!
Now we can live with you again even though you're a dangerous retard. Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it.
A 5, 6, 7, 8.
You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.
It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember?
Oh, I'm so happy you had fun. I did, too.
Dear diary. Jackpot!
Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.
I know, gross. Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die Says the man next to me out of nowhere And the good people of the world Are washing their cars on their lunch breaks
Peter, I think you may have had one too many. Maybe it's time to ease off, huh? What are you talking about, Lois? Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition. (SLURRING) I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom, Tom and other Tom in our village!
Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING)
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough
(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit. Hey, I just wanted to let you... (SNIFFING) Oh, boy. What's that? I was just ironing my robe, taking a look around. What's up? Well I just wanted to let you know there's a rebel fleet massing at Sullust,
Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell!
and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny. That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)
You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?
Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us
WhoA, Ass ahoy.
Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me.
I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.
She's compassionate and charming, attractive. Well, stunning, really. I guess you could say I really-- Love her? No, of course not!
Nice job, man! Wow! That was really brilliant. Thanks. Just glad this nightmare is over. And I'm really glad I didn't kill the wrong Stewie. Yeah, me, too. Hey, come on, I'll take you home. (EVIL LAUGHTER)
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!
Thanks, Tom. Sir, for those viewers who aren't familiar with the tradition, can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire? Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Whoo!
- Check this out. - Come on! Tell me that's not epic.
Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.
All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right?
A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy. Well, the pocket-dial giveth, and the pocket-dial taketh away.
PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!
ALL: Hey there, fruity You can do my hair ALL: Hey there, fruity Don't touch me down there ALL: Hey there, fruity You're gay and I don't approve ANNOUNCER: And many more.
(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.
Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome! Lois, I'm gonna win that thing. Peter, why would you want a used dirt bike when you already have a car? Because this is 1978, Lois, and dirt bikes have never been hotter. Besides, I get one of those things, it's gonna be a buffet of beave.
Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right?
we got some classic comedy with me and a puma. Is Dad really gonna do this? I told your father I was gonna leave him alone. Saggy Naggy is keeping out of this. Is the puma ready? Maybe we should poke him with the "is-the-puma-ready?" stick. (ROARING) Oh, my God, I can't let him do this!
like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN ON TV: We now return to How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother. I was walking with my professor, when I saw this woman who was... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hey, Hey, Brian.
Enough of this!
Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.
(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people?
Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful!
Let it go, LoIS!
Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, You might want to give that a minute or 2. I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell! But I do it every day. Sometimes twice. Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again!
MALE VOICE: Lucy!
Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit?
All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be "nice." Good boy! Now smile for the camera. Yes. Yes. Smile, like a good boy.
Hi, is Mr. Donald Nguyen there, please? And is he the head of the household? Ifl can just have a few moments of your time.... Hello? Oh, Brian, there you are. Can I talk to you about something? Yeah, what is it? That coffee mug you have on your desk that says, "Life's a beach"...
Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
I don't know about that. Tell you what, I'll get us started. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me.
PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.
Face it, Brian, she is dumber than a Boston-area book report. The novel I chose to address is Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. Queer name, right? The book was actually not bad.
We gotta get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters. Let's go!
Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?
Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.
PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman. GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning... but right now, I am exhausted. Just please don't tell them.
Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner.
Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.
(ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap. No light speed? No light speed.
(Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation.
'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree?
It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy,
I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.
Ghost.
I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now!
Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.
This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
Fuck.
It's obeying all the rules! No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!
Marty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch.
License and registration, please. Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir, you know what that means. I don't understand why I gotta do dishes at your house just 'cause I... Keep washing. Seems like more of a restaurant thing... Keep washing.
Fuck.
It's $10 an hour. But there's a $100,000 deposit. Oh, God. Looks like we're walking. Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune. Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy!
Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck!
Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow? We're off to Bethlehem! (CANNED LAUGHTER)
Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own. Peter, I hate to say this but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you.
(ALL SHOUTING) (SCREAMS) Mayor West? Quiet, young man. Can't you see we're having a poker game? Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark.
Keep playing! Keep playing!
Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song. My darling dear Lois, may I have this dance?
Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think?
(PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they? Oh, look who's starting to get it. Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them.
NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there.
What the fuck was that?
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion.
Brian, could we really? Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business. Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.
O.J. Simpson? Yes. Was this in the news? Yes, Peter. It was all over the news. Well, now, wait a minute. If he killed two people, how come he's not in jail? He was acquitted. Well, there you go. Everything's fine. Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.
"Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID."
For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what, Brian? Over. I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over.
What do you got? I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.
Yes. Sleep away, woman. But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, yeah.
And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir?
Hey, Chris? (DISTANTLY) Yeah? Do you think Lois would be okay if I ate a Pop-Tart in bed? Probably. Probably, right? Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you have three crushed ribs, but I was able to stop the internal bleeding.
I had almost gathered enough evidence to put Briggs away for good, but I knew a taped confession would make the case a slam dunk. This is gonna take us to the next level. We're gonna be banging so many hot chicks with jeans up to their navels.
Wow! So How do you do it? Oh, You're very nice to ask. Well, First I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it. So I jerk them around a little. They fight for a while. And--And then they just lay back and accept it. How about we get together later? Um, Ok. What the hell? Oh, Damn it!
(PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)
(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)
Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)
You're a monster.
D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!
That'll be more pathetic than that game of Marco Polo I played with Helen Keller. Marco. Marco. Marco.
Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries. (BILL COSBY SCATTING) Ghost Dad!
$2,000.
Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him...
BRIAN: Hello? - Hello? - DOG: Hello. - BRIAN: Are you a dog? - Yes! BRIAN: I am also a dog. - DOG: All right! - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're dogs! - BRIAN: Yeah, we're dogs! DOG: We're dogs that live near each other! DOG 2: Hey, are you guys dogs? - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're totally dogs! BRIAN: Yeah, both of us! Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.
Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're like a black woman in hindsight. I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.
yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me
Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.
Get out of here. Whoa. Easy, kid. These people paid good money to get in here. Oh, yeah? How much are you charging them to get out?
Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish. I'd sell my soul to be famous! Oh! I got a live one! Peter GriffIN. Ooh. Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. Oh, And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?
MAN ON RADIO: Unit 17, this is base. Please report. 10-four, everything is Charlie 40 60. What does that mean? I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far. (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!
"Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops.
Six. Five. Four. Three.
Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!
But I forget how to make love.
You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush.
A phone? A pony?
(ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.
Everyone knows you always get bad news in the middle of the night. Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What? - You have cancer! - What? Yeah. I thought you should know. Okay, go back to sleep. Wait, I have questions. (SIGHS) It's very late.
But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it!
What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven? Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated. You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now! Girl? Girl.
Here are the products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year. The African-American heart monitor. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead. (READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you.
You're gonna attack them? (MIMICKING) "You're gonna attack them?" That's how you sound. (SQUEAKILY) "You're gonna attack them?" Imagine listening to that all day.
Yeah. It's so clear you can even see Ellen DeGeneres' breath. Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?
Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!
What is your primary source of income? Umm. Sorcery. And a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery. Yeah, I'll just put sorcery. Okay. Umm, are you gay, straight, or not sure? Uh, why are you asking me this? It's just... I don't write the questions.
Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)
Now, what does that mean, Wish It. Want It. Do It? Well, it basically just refers to the steps necessary for identifying and achieving your dreams and doing so in as effective and expeditious a manner as possible. Wow. And it's nonfiction, right? Yes, it is. Now, which one is that? I always forget.
Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!
Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home!
See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me. MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here?
Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.
You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap.
Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there,
- Oh, by the way, I should tell you I've got AIDS. - What? Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. Ready to go when you are, sir! Poor guys, they both have AIDS. Not okay!
We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.
So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.
You make your doo-doos, Joe? Shut up. You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky!
You can do my hair
Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again?
Oh, my God, it's beautiful. My TV isn't here. Let's go home. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage. And could you get one for the ghost? Boo, eh?
My God, you know what this means?
Everything I do Oh I do it for you Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes.
Yeah, Stow the 'tude, queenie.
Now I've had the time of my life And I owe it all to you I've been waiting for so long Now I've finally found someone To stand by me
Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations.
seeing that handicapped Cher impersonator. If I could turn back time If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!
Probably lick my ass. Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening. Well, I don't see a way around it, do you? I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?
In New York City
Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that.
Well, the fat man made a funny.
"And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!"
That was 45 years ago.
Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!
Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.
Bocce balls! I bought a tank.
It's Indian. And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper? I don't know, Peter. That doesn't sound very sexy. What are you talking about? Bombay is sperm city. Slumdog Millionaire? More like Scumdog Put-it-there.
That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!
Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear!
Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.
Yeah, but what about the kids? Ah, they're back at school. Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was. This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it!
Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that. Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.
Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands.
Say, "I bet you can't get a boner." I bet you can't get a boner. That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one. Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome. I've always thought you were handsome. Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that.
- That's racist, man. - Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, dog.
Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!
a man has to be aroused enough to ejaculate.
(CLEARS THROAT) People of France, a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie, and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome. (SIREN WAILING)
What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you!
Ha, ha, ha! Imbecile!
Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!
Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off.
(BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING)
Down by the shores of the hanky-panky Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky (SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate. Miss Hobson, Stewie's really been acting out a lot at home. And I was just wondering, how's he been behaving at school?
Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Joe? It's Peter. Two things.
All right, that's it!
And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy.
At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian, and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged. That's how this weekend came to pass. Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless.
Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!
I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka. Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine.
I don't care what it takes, Brian, I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime.
PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?
You are so fucking funny!
He is gonna die, Chris, and there is no God. Meg, stop being truthful with your brother.
Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny!
When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning
I could do cocaine if I wanted to. Peter, you want some potatoes? Yeah, how you doing? I was just asking if you wanted... We got enough napkins? Yeah, we got enough napkins. That's enough. That's enough, right there. (SIGHS) What time is it? Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't...
Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. (ACCORDION PLAYING)
What kind? Turkey.
I brought him. Lois, you didn't tell me you were bringing Evan here. We bonded over the Red Sox one time, and now he's got to bring it up every time I see him. How about those Red Sox, Peter? Yeah, how about 'em, Evan? They exist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Damn it, Peter! Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year? Oh, A peace offering is it?
Why am I standing under an air vent? Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..." - You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be ready in five minutes.
What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.
What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention. Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin. Boy, you really want to wear that hat. That hat's coming off! No! (ALL GRUNTING)
Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Uh, is--Is that a beer hall? Oh, yes. Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
I don't know, you guys. This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?
Me and Jesus Come and hug and squeeze us 'Cause you know That he's a simply Christ-terrific dude His eyes are bluish Bright and I love you-ish
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God! Look at the size of that pimple. You're like a circus freak!
It's big, isn't it? Yes, Peter. It's very big. Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good.
Anyway, it was a horrible place where they took away everybody's African names and gave them new names. What's your name? Tobi with an "I." With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O,"
Except that one guy. But he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree. Tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Stop it! Ho, Ho, Ho. tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Oh, God! You want to rescue her, don't you? uch. It's times like this I wish they'd used me for stem-cell research. Help me!
Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing? Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum? No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.
Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner. (SWITCHES OFF TV) 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason.
(PHONE RINGING) Hi, my name's Classy.
Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.
Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
I have to go.
What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.
I'm gonna stop you the only way I can, by killing you in the race for School Board President! Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
Look what happened by accident.
Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man.
Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand. The Army said you'd been killed in action. What happened?
I--
I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address.
This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects.
We're looking for this baby. Have you seen him? I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop. Have you seen him? No, but I'll let you know if I see anything. Mr. Superman no here. Well, we're looking for a missing...
I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.
Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings
because I really do care about you,
Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot. Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.
So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like?
That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.
Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor, and on my days off, an avid golf enthusiast. The club's having a Man-Boy golf tournament. You two should enter. A tournament, huh? That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car! This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!
He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black
like the guy who would have killed Hitler. Nice going, Schweinhund! The fourth Stooge. That's right. There were supposed to be four Stooges! It was gonna be hilarious! And Osama Bin Laden's America-loving older brother. I would have talked him out of it!
Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
(FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES)
JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?
(CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws. Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that?
What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you. Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.
Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient. We're projecting 10 billion within five years. Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason. Do they eat just, like, regular food? No, no, no, the opposite.
Boy, I haven't been this creeped out since I saw that episode of Star Trek. - Number One. - Yes, Captain. Let me ask you something. Ifl whispered in your ear that Commander Worf's head... looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh? - Yeah, I could get in on that. - All right! Here it comes!
For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche. What's that, now? Yeah, I don't like him, either. Yeah, me neither. Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year.
Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him.
Well, citizen, that's an excellent question and I thank you for it. I think it's great we live in a town where you can ask questions, because without questions, we'd just have answers. And an answer without a question is a statement. Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye!
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.
Peter, what the hell?
I've broken my pencil!
"I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close. (GASPS) Peter, look!
PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.
The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight. NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn.
Now I know my A-B-Cs Yankee Doodle went to town Next time won't you sing with me? Now I know my A-B-Cs (PETER AND CHRIS GROANING) What the devil is that? It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble. (MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere?
"Doesn't work well with others"?
Live to see tomorrow October 31, 2011 (GROANS) Where am I? What happened? Oh, Glenn! Oh, thank God you're all right!
Oh, my God, look at that. Wow, that looks pretty bad. Is the Chinese guy dead? (SNIFFING) Wait. We were in this car. I can smell us all in this car! This must be the accident that put us all in the hospital. See if there's a registration in the glove compartment.
The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?
No, it's a tumor.
Yeah. No thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire. Wonder what the hell happened to them.
That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?
I am going on a diet. And I'm not stopping till I look as good as my great aunt, Legs Go All The Way Up Griffin. Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.
I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all,
I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.
(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now. This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS)
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
I got the mu... Oh, my God!
What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah
No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
Is that what you think? You stole him from me?
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)
Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois?
One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat--
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.
We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street. We won! All right!
I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.
I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay. Will Lois Griffin please come to the courtesy booth? We have a little gift for you. (SNICKERING) I'm Lois... Oh, for God's sakes, Peter. Yay, Lois!
and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin.
MAN: All right. We're clear. I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.
Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!
God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit!
5% of the country has. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!
Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.
MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.
Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way. Oh, Found the emergency exit.
Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...
Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand--
Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax.
What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.
This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.
(ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.
What? Peter, where the hell have you been? Every time that we go to a hotel, you hide the key to the minibar from me. But I found it. I found it. Lois Griffin.
Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior? Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too,
Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy.
I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God!
A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!
Let's make this our sanctuary. I wants me that beer. (ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)
Stop with this! Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff. I mean--i mean, Mine goes inside of me when I stand up. How do you think I feel? Is Dad mad at me? Oh, Of course not, honey. Now Go pick out a box of cereal, and meet me at the 10-inches- or-less line. Items!
You ever notice that? No, I never have. Sorry, sir, private party tonight. I'm a friend of Dave Navarro's. You're a friend of Dave Navarro's. You saw me here last week. I seem like a cool dude. I saw you here last week. You seem like a cool dude. Move along. Move along, move along.
All the most important Broadway people will be there. Playwrights, money men, even Stanley Kowalski. Hi. I'm Michael. Michael! Michael! Um, and this is my wife, Nancy. Nancy! Nancy!
Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.
Michael Eisner. Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders.
Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian.
Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?
Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.
- But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us. If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.
It's working!
Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista.
In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. What the hell? Holy crap! I'm black!
Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.
This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
too many, not enough? You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am. Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age. Or is it? I'm gonna be 17, you jerks. She's the jerk.
How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.
Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are. Can't you get the money another way? Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
No mercy! (FARTS)
and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension. He can just take his rocket ship. Get out of here. ANNOUNCER: We now return to the post-Roe vs. Wade Brady Bunch. Greg! Marcia! Get down here!
Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
You know who I don't miss is Joe.
Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world.
Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.
Oh, Lois, there you are. Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you for letting us have the wedding here. Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here? Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem. Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night.
Those women were coming on to you and you blew it.
where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...
Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.
Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!
What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid.
We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control
I can't see! Just relax. You have hibernation sickness, but your eyesight will return in time. Where am I? Jabba's palace. Who are you? Someone who loves you. Whoa! You are smothering me, and I need my space.
There's got to he a morning after We 're moving closer to the shore llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow
(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
this couple is attacked by a... A...
And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!
This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good.
Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.
Now Meg, no need to get so testes-- Uh, Testy! Oh, Nuts! I mean crap!
My son here's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed.
(GIGGLING) So, it's over? That seems unlikely. Amazing.
We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.
There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter. Ok, look, We're just gonna have to go on without her.
That happened, and we all let it happen.
(PETER COUGHING)
Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake?
Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in?
I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.
Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're...
I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.
Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.
What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look.
So, how are your academics going? Good. Real good.
And I'm sorry I practically cried at the symphony.
Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him!
I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats. Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.
I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun
We both valued our privacy, however, so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media. Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40.
Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! in other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought. in a recent 12-day study... My last beer. Here goes.
Peter, what is it? What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk--ed out of a sound sleep.
"A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.
I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?
Hello, Claire.
What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts!
Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom!
"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"?
You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet. We were sailing along On Moonlight Bay We could hear the voices singing They seemed to say uh, Sorry. I don't do dog shows.
Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.
Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.
Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)
Get the fuck out of my house!
as usual. I'm going upstairs to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these!
Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get--
9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?
(GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way. Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here.
Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse
Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
Hi, there. How's it going? Would you like some tea? Cigar? Brandy? (MUMBLING) No. I'm good, thanks. We read your article, Brian. Your study in postmodern American subcultures was quite illuminating. Oh, wow, thanks. That really means a lot coming from you guys.
I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness. Don't hear those crickets no more. (STRAINING) I'm not gonna make it. You hang in there, you hear me? Listen to me. I want you to take care of my kids. I will.
And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake,
CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.
I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again. Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg.
Listen, Peter, some friends of mine and I are getting together tonight and we wanted to invite you to join us. O-M-A. I am so there. Whose crappy van should we take? Actually, we are meeting here. Follow me. Oh, hey, you guys. Hey, is anyone gonna object if I pick my nose with a dagger?
Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
(TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE) Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother! You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!
It's hardly a date. Oh, yeah? You want to see? I'll call her right now and ask her out to dinner. Hey, Denise? It's me. Brian. Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking...
This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas!
I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.
HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it!
If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby
STEWIE: Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a naked tea party. Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
The town of Vegas has got a different face because it's a family place with lots to do Where in the '50s, a man could mingle with scores of all the seediest whores well, Now his children can, too You heard it from the canine's mouth The country's changed, that is, except the South
Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year.
I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me. My God! He's practically ruined me. I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something.
Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.
Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Never heard of it. It's all right T, they're with me. Hey, JC. What's up?
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.
(LAUGHS) I want a Lexus all in pink And a dad who doesn't drink Oh, and that reminds me Twelve kegs of beer!
A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane. (CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING)
(ALARM BLARING)
O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)
Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?
Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself.
We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.
Tonight it's gonna be four. Are you saying you intend to kill your opponent? Let's just say you don't want to miss round six. (GASPS) Lois, you can't go out there! What? Why not? Because if you step into that ring, she's gonna kill you. No, she's not, Peter. What the hell kind of talk is that? Now, I'm gonna win this thing.
I--I'd go with Johnny. Oh, Great. Brian. Uh, h-Hey, Joe, ha! How's it going? Pretty good. You were, uh, doing A little swerving back there. Uh, yeah, Yeah well, you know, m-me and the boys were just-- Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian. You're under arrest. Oh, Come on! Move it.
Eight fucking hours later...
- That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!
Oh, I hate vegetables.
in the house you know, you know, come on
Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber. People see us everywhere They think you really care But myself I can't deceive
Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two. It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy
Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.
Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey!
Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.
Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea! Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles?
This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!
He made me sort the camp recyclables. But some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR)
Even I found that to be in bad taste.
Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP! Oh, Hey, Clevemire.
Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)
shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!
Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you. Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.
What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!
The fryolator. I am so taking this.
Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse.
(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.
Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum, or cotton candy, or a stuffed animal? How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun. You can hit your friend on the head with it. But don't hit him on the head with it. Yeah, thanks. I don't really need any of that stuff. You got any dents you need hammered out?
Peter, what the hell?
Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian,
I love the holidays.
Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story. Like, the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother. Could you be more specific? Uh, oh, let's see. Uh, he always wears cheap cologne. Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard.
Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll--
STEWIE: Brian, could you come in here for one second? Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay.
All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger.
Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.
Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?
That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it. Oh, really? Define "decent." I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.
Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on.
Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property. And all of this while under the influence of alcohol. Your Honor, if you'll just let us explain... I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear.
My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement,
Uh-huh. Sounds great! Bye. So? Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me. (SOBBING) PETER: Put the dog out. The dog's crying. Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out?
Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4.
Oh, My God!
Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY) It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please.
Or what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu.
(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie.
I think you're an idiot. Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it! I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh...
West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret
Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.
Hannah can't do the photo shoot until Miley finishes her homework. You can't tell Hannah what to do. She's not your daughter. Wait. So, Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't? Right. Great. Put your wig on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Shut up! This is real. (LAUGHING) You're watching Hannah Montana?
Kids, we're free. We're finally free.
I'll start out easy. Little more complex.
Oh! Oh! Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go!
Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.
I used to guest host The Tonight Show. Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film.
Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!
FRANZ: So now you know the truth. (COCKS GUN) I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.
- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.
What are you making, Ollie? Eggo!
Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.
Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)
where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa.
Well, fine, if I can't do the book, I'm gonna hurt something you love. (GRUNTING) (COUGHS) You happy now?
Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?
Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car!
A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks.
Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it.
To the Popemobile!
So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes.
Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!
No, No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way. yeah, But you could cut a roast on her faCE. I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER? Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall.
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
BAR PATRON: Oh, come on! Hang on, I'll fix it. Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out.
I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.
Where are we? Ford's Theatre, April 14, 1865. Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic. Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.
Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)
There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea
Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm?
MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah!
Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.
You know, there's been a lot of talk lately about homosexuals, but how do you know what to believe? Well, here are a few tips that may help you tell when you've got a gay. So, uh, what's your favorite Madonna album? I like her early work. MAN: If his answer is anything but "I've never bought one," you've got a gay.
Damn it all! Shh! Sorry! Sorry! Hey, Shut up! Keep it down! Look, there's nothing I can do, all right?
You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops. Oh, good. You guys can still catch Briggs.
My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something.
ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked.
PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch.
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.
Get on with it. Uh, okay. Here, let me stroke your hair. Thank you. I want to do gay things for you. I... I crave your groin. Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible.
Can't you let me have anything?
Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise, we're all gonna be... (GUN COCKING) So it's all out in the open now, isn't it? Stewie, how long you been all messed up and evil like this? Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes.
Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero. See, This wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and... Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you? That's right! How'd you know? We've all been there.
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.
Mommy! Thank God you're home! Stewie, my baby! I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn. Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.
Lois' life insurance policy paid off. I've got more money than Barbra Streisand. Honey, I'm going shopping. And I was gonna valet park. I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise? Actually, I got it on the cruise.
That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago.
Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go.
I hate these hats. Yes, sir. Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today. Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy, Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy.
Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye.
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time. Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.
Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink.
Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction. But, Dad... Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you.
Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet.
Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it!
24 months in prison? Unacceptable!
Peter, what're you doing? Crack.
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow! What are you doing here? Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.
Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Get some, Peter!
If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on! Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.
Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter! I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny. That is funny. And you know what I appreciate about your joke, Peter? It's clean. It's clean funny! I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are.
ANNOUNCER: Andnaw back to Jaws V, Fire Island. - Yau think we should be this far out? - Stap worrying, Mark. We 'ff be fine. Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts.
It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose?
We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Hey, buddy, I need to borrow this.
Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!
(DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner...
It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.
What am I going to do?
They'd none of them be missed
God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.
And he's got a gun!
Gosh, that's awful!
Those fucking things live forever.
All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial.
(CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies. They're shiny. Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.
"all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'"
P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.
Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it?
A 5, 6, 7, 8!
Sorry. I just farted.
I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.
Look out! What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out.
(FARTS)
And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
STUDENT: No.
Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.
Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!
Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.
It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.
You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you.
(CLATTERING) It's... (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)
A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it. Really? 'Cause I had it sitting right on my table...
The Death Star's going to be completed on schedule.
Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?
(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good.
THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!
So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body. Come on. I'll show you around.
(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING)
Road House. That was awesome, and its message is timeless. Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking.
Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee."
Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)
Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What?
That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?
(FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)
It's an Amish doll. They're not allowed to have faces. Has something to do with vanity. Looks like a cross-dressing Cobra Commander. Who? Cobra Commander. He's the head of Cobra. The bad guys from G.I. Joe. The guys who oddly shout the name of their terrorist organization as they're attacking. Guys, we're under attack.
disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane!
Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here.
Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee? Sure. I get off at 2:00. GrEAT! Uh, uH, Great! I'll meet you here. Hey, hey, You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.
No, Meg, stop it.
I know, right? Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you, buying food to make dinner for your husband. No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard, but Peter and I aren't together anymore. What? Why? It's a long story. You don't want to hear about it. Shut your face. I want to hear all about it.
She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.
Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.
Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do?
- Oh, no! - Oh, no!
Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song? Some say love It is a river That drowns The tender reed
NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre. But finally, some good news out of neighboring Kanduzi, as locals there have reached an uneasy alliance with the bordering Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.
MAMET: Hey, Tony. Oh, my God, that's David Mamet. There's the man of the evening. I read your play, An American Marriage. It was incredibly raw. I was pretty damn impressed. Oh, thank you, David. David, this is Brian. Brian, David. Oh, it's an honor.
Alaska? But that's so far away! And what about the high percentage of Eskimo child molesters? Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!
Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me. You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that. Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.
Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God!
Nah, nah Family guy
Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this.
I usually hang out with an idiot. Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.
Okay, our top story tonight, a local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion, in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors. And in other news, they're bringing back Passions! Yes, they are!
Hungry sharks, strong, rapey men,
No, no, these are home movies from when I was a puppy. He died. Okay, look, just watch.
Oh, You guys are asseS!
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.
Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See?
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood.
There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen in the hole in the bottom of the sea Get a nurse.
She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt."
Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop. Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay. (STAMMERING) Yes, I am. Well, I'm something 'cause I've been at full-sail for the last half hour. No, Glenn, you're not. I see that now, and the truth is,
(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman.
But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it.
Shut up, beast.
(CROWD CHEERING) I'll finish it later. Yay! Lois, these eggs are scrambled.
What do you think, Brian? I mean, what do you think of the ta-tas? Can we do better? I think we can do better, right? What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments and naked they would be, like, mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro. I mean, I'm just... Like, I mean, naked they'd be running away from each other, okay?
I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twi-- Hey, Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! Get him! Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this?
WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning.
Well, hi there. I sure can. You know, I have to tell you, Wish It. Want It. Do It. totally changed my life. Well, you know, that's what I set out to do with this book, so, you know, I got to tell you, that makes me feel pretty great. This is just a phone number. I know, I know, my phone number. Oh.
Wow, that was dramatic. My God, he's really dead. - This is it. - Yeah. But why hasn't the universe ceased to exist? I don't know. Unless there's still a chance of me being born.
That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control. Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.
And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are, Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)
That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!
Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system.
Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!
I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?
STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.
Mamma mia! What is this? Leonardo da Vinci, I presume. Who are you, little lisping baby? Your assassin, you overrated caricaturist!
What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!
War! (GRUNTS) Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie
Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING)
Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes! (ALL CHEERING) Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense, now that he lives on Boner Street.
What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'll get a new cleaners. They're all the same. They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize.
Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center?
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
- Australia! - France!
You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right.
- Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God.
(PETER LAUGHS)
Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you!
I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company.
(ANNOUNCER READING)
And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
You should see the way I have to pick up chicks. Hi. (GIGGLING)
Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta. (EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion.
Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged!
We're here live in our studio where a checkout girl in a cheap dress who wants to be a model is ready to draw the winning numbers. "E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44.
Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.
Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this.
He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!
Personal, life, career. I'm an open book.
So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that...
I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me.
Thank you, sweetie.
Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son!
You need to come home with me. Bonnie, stay with me. I promise, it will take three years with this accent before you figure out I'm just a normal jerk. Bonnie, listen to me. I'm your husband. He may be your husband, but I would do anything for you.
And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?
Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...
Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head. Damn it, Peter. I'm probably gonna have to get a job.
and if you can find them,
Ahh!
(LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity. Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?
Well, No wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy! Wow, Why don't you go say hello? I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' loungE. HEy, Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin! Griffin, Griffin. Sorry, not on the list. Aw, Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student.
My hair is growing Growing all the time Look how sensitive I am 'Cause my voice is so fine
What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!
A shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy. Sounds dangerous, Tom. Be careful next time you 're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen. Well, at feast you 're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church to lea ve your self-delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money.
You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
You're fired!
Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.
Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking!
Oh, so now everyone understands me. Look, Meg, we're just worried about you. Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the...
(SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?
So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin. Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN)
(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
(SIGHING) You know what, fat man?
Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance. Oh... Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house. That seems fair to me. Chris, you have damaged this man's property. And until you pay off the debt, you'll do whatever job he wants you to do.
... you. That's who works here!
The guy with the bomb. Hu.
Who here thinks they can kick my ass?
(BRIAN CRYING) What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything!
It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.
All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.
(ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail!
So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened.
gobbledy gee When your poor legs are stiff as a tree What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't his absence slightly odd?
You suck!
Victory is mine!
High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.
So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God.
I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor.
Oh, great, it's here. That mirror I bought on eBay. Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
Oh, right. That's the other thing. Now, this is just a thought, but we're doing it. - She's 18. - What? It was James Woods' idea and we thought it was just the right hook. I mean, how great is that? A father and a daughter, both in college together?
You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. How could this have happened? It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water. Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? Come on, honey. This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner city immigrants. (LATINO MUSIC PLAYING)
No, of course not!
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI.
Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!
Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark.
Here, Donna. I got you your 10-year anniversary present. Suntan lotion? But we live in the Northeast. That's right, we do. Unless we were moving to California. (GASPS) He must've got the part. When he going to meet Evita? Not every play is Evita. Oh, no. I feel terrible.
She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.
Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996?
Gonna buy me a rainbow
It's not Tony or Angela.
Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up. All right, can we go now? Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check.
So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.
(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Oh, shit! That's it!
You're gonna have to pay a high toll if you want to get into this tunnel. Come on, don't say stuff like that. I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)
checking out some of that Internet porn.
Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.
I think you are a special person. Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second! A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me? so I can tell you that I respect you?
But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves. Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy.
We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire. Pardon me. Are you Lois Griffin, the Goldman's Pharmacy girl? Yes, I suppose I am. Karin Parotta, modeling agent. Listen, sugar, I've seen your stuff. You're a breath of fresh air in my stoma.
And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!
Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987.
Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change. STEWIE: Are you proud of yourself, that this is what you do? Is this a dime? Did you swallow a dime? STEWIE: Yeah, wipe it off and put it back in your purse, you white trash hen.
Fine with me.
And then, guess what? I'm going to add...
Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.
Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.
I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.
Yeah. Well, we're in it, and we're gonna finish the job. Should we get started on the upper level? No. What the hell are we gonna do? We've sunk all of our money into this place. I've got an idea. I'll be right back.
If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.
What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, and there's more where that came from.
(SINGING ELVIRA)
Some days I think it was easier being Q-Bert's roommate. (SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.
But at least you helped save Joe and Bonnie's marriage. I know. Those two lovebirds haven't left their bedroom since we got back. (TRUCK BEEPING) (PNEUMATIC TOOLS WORKING) Ahh, romance. Speaking of which, we ain't boofed in a whole week. Yeah, but what about the kids? Ah, they're back at school.
Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody!
So, What do you have to do for your community service? I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program. I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years. When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants,
I,
I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.
The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. What about that graph on the wall that says, "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? That? Oh! That's just something my son made me in art class. Ah. Then what about that poster that says, "The graph was not made in art class. "We really do want kids to start smoking"?
That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money?
Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.
Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.
Aunt Beru? Oh, my God! John Williams! Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. (PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)
- Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me?
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.
Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!
Hello, dumb-dumb.
Hello This is Tom Tucker...
What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids? Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, 0uagmire Now that Peter's mental You probably ha ve some needs
Well, can't you knock or something? Hello? Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.
For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
Hi. How's it going?
Look at me. Look what I've become. I thought it'd feel good to be a bully,
I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)
Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.
Shut up, you nerd. Hey.
(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees.
I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.
That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!
I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo!
Honey, you awake? Morning, sweetie. (SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week.
Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.
(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one!
MAN ON TV: And now back to 1943's Fast Talking High Trousers. Well, isn't this a fine song and dance? What are you getting so hot about? Keep your shirt on. Where do you get off making remarks like that? Supposing I say you're a lunkhead? Well, I ain't much for supposing. Well, supposing you were? Well, maybe I'm through supposing and I fix to start figuring. Ah, horseradish. Well, aren't you a pocketful of firecrackers? Oh, yeah? You got something to say about it? I'll say plenty.
Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!
Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!
Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Um... Leia, wow. I didn't get raped. Okay? Okay. - Okay? - Okay!
You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate. And then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douche bags.
I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.
Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven? Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated. You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now! Girl? Girl.
So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.
But it seems pornography has finally found its way to our neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.
- Uh, Anybody horny? - No.
Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!
" don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody.
You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--
I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?
I mean, you have a gun right now. But tomorrow I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you. Oh. Yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town. And I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.
Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.
But that's only because I've truly connected with the one bit of flesh and blood that I have on this earth. And I have no intention of giving that up. Who wants a half and half? I'll throw my hat into that ring. Wait a minute, Dad. I think maybe I should go with her. What? Dylan, why?
Make me, Swanson! (ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do?
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)
welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party.
Okay. You have $1,300. Why don't you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase? Okay, let's see. Oh, boy! Everything looks nice. Um... All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600. And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. Uh, give me the one free week of maid service.
Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television!
Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins. Nellie here is a homemaker, and I'm a queer chaser and beater. Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically, they're all stubborn as a mule. No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose.
(VOCALIZING)
Yellow cake uranium Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry
Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean?
(LAUGHING) That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father. (IN DEEP VOICE) Punky... Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon. Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man.
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.
They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
Aw, bucka bucka baw.
MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!
You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him! Boys, to your Rascals!
Crap, we're out of milk. I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some. Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink. I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep, then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her.
Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it. Sorry. It's okay.
From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?
to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention. Ah, I love summer.
I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude.
You son of a bitch.
Thank you, Lois. I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian... you look very handsome. Showtime!
(ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!
She's right. We're fugitives from the law.
Ok. So, Mr. Griffin, how's it feel to be a bachelor on the prowl, once again? Ah, It's not as great as you might think. I guess I just don't have the same way with women that I used to. Mmm, That was nice. That was nice.
(GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that! (LAUGHING)
I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING) Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- All right! You ready for school? - Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes.
I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!
Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.
Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers.
Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport.
Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.
Meg, Will you relax?
Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
I love you. Fuck off.
I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday.
How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store.
You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
You can have me.
Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!
I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
Why? They're just feet.
I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.
So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo.
Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore.
I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.
Should make for a grand day. Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama!
Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again. Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?
Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.
I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.
Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
You folks got a towel?
Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?
Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think That love is only That love is only
Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control.
"You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip.
(GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt. (SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war."
ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing! Oh, boy! We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois.
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.
Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.
I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.
Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million. Good thing we swore off women to not be distracted... ...and unable to accumulate this vast wealth. Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Butter's in the fridge!
(IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.
Stewie, what the hell was that?
And best of all, my own copy of K.I.S.S. Saves Santa. You just practice that guitar, Santa. Next time we'll let you do a solo. Don't encourage him!
Yeah, and not fake friends, like guys whose wives are friends. (LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen. Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!
Greetings, unwashed masses.
MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk.
I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God. How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie.
(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?
Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.
Yeah, we did this already. That's what's so fucked up.
NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.
I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?
All right, this is our target. The Quahog Bridge.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)
- Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)
aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! ugh!
Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.
Engage!
Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway?
Wow. What... - What's all this? - This? I just came from work. - I'm a secret agent astronaut millionaire. - Cool. Where'd you get the cowboy hat? Space.
I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.
Hey! You get just a few more of those.
Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world. Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.
Uncle Rush! Hey! Ooh, you are getting heavy. I know. I'm 64 and three-quarters. You sure are, slugger. Hey, you got one for me? What? What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Uncle Rush. I don't know what you're talking about, really. Come on! Oh! Wait a second.
I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.
Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So my advice to the two of you would be... According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival And we just might live the good life yet (HUMMING)
You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal?
Just open up your heart It’ll be all right Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow
All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass. I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.
(CLUCKING)
No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." (SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.
All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey!
There's a library card in there! Use it! And now, let's meet our star! Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles! All the fish in the bucket now! Not one fish at a time as a reward! All of them! Okay, okay, take it easy.
Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--
Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay... Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What?
Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad.
What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!
There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped.
I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)
You've got your G chord right here
who jumps out of the way just in time. Now the driver can add attempted battery to the charges. The driver turns right into the parking lot of a drive-in movie theater. At this point, the dinosaur in the backseat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it.
I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off. You're weak like everyone else. And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now. Stay away from me! Stay away from me! Stewie, no! (ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING ROCKY) And now here's something we hope you'll really like.
as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker. " could be a ditch digger? A motel maid? I could be a hooker? Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker. Wow, Mr. Griffin! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything. Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money. "0, Captain! my Captain!" No, you're actually misunderstanding. "0, Captain! my Captain!"
10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!
Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Aw, just Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get.
You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!
Look. Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.
Like hell you will. This is our Clam, and we are not gonna let them take it.
This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)
(WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here! - What are you doing? - I'm reading. What... What... What... What are you reading?
Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING)
COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.
Of course I do, my dear. Now, would that be cash or check? Drop by Cherrywood this evening. I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account. Ah, Very good, sir. You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right. My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don't work out.
(DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.
Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers. Norm. Norm.
Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.
WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop.
You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.
It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!
All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun. Look, I'll do it myself. How about that? Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me.
You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
A buncH of Hot young celebrities. It's perfect! The kids are on their way to L.A. to renegotiate their contract. But. Ha, ha, ha.
Now, Put me back in my freakin' body, all righT? I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life. To hell with this. I'm going homE. What are you doing? You can't get in that way. I'm sure as hell not going in the back door. Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment.
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke. I just work with what you give me.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home!
But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.
Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead. Daddy, don't talk to Peter like that. All you've done his whole life is treat him like crap, and now he's offering to help you. The least you can do is be grateful. Oh, all right. Then it's settled. You're staying with us. I promise you'll love it here, even more than Julia Roberts loves herself.
(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking. Oh, yeah? Why should I? Yeah? Well, get someone else to bail you out, 'cause it ain't gonna be me. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming!
My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy?
Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson. Ok, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?
Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.
- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.
That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks. It works! Look how tiny they are! Ooh!
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.
But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they?
on your poop deck.
You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks. They're the same thing, Peter. You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.
But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!
Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad.
- All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,
Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.
Didn't try anything new today? - Talk to anyone interesting? - No, not really. Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me. My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING) PETER: Brown house.
I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,
drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me
Oh, come on, Peter. It'd be good to have some chicks in here. Quagmire, are you nuts? This is a men's club. There's the problem. The ratio be terrible. It's a total mast-fest in here. You know, I kind of agree. Yeah, this is sort of lame. Well, we can fix that. Come on, girls, let's dance.
Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.
Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.
I got first place, Dad. Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.
No fucking way someone's a doctor here.
But I sent you away Oh, Quagmire You kissed me And stopped me from shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire God, he's so talented. You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them.
Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.
Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.
My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."
(PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!
Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging? ls somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs?
You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right.
Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second? Yeah. What's up, Eric? Everything okay? Yeah. Just come into my office.
That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.
Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind!
Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
WEENIE: (ON RADIO) Hey, welcome back to Weenie and The Butt on 97.1. CHORUS: 97.1! Ooh! Weenie and The Butt. Just like the grown-ups listen to. THE BUTT: And that was Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris, which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets!
For god's sake. If I wanted to marry Lola Falana, I would have. Look, Lola. This whole thing is just going way too fast for me. For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!
So, somehow the lightning gave your dad the power to turn anyone I touch into Robin Williams. Good. I can ask him how he got his RV stuck on the tip of a mountain. Peter, did Dr. Hartman say how long this was gonna last? There is no more Dr. Hartman, Lois. He's Robin Williams now.
(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home.
Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours.
Hi there. Hi. I'm Cindy. The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me. Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian.
MEG: Oh, my God, Mom!
You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.
(WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me!
I was providing for our family. You were lying.
Not too bad.
- Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over. All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery.
Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam. That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar.
Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.
Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!" Play or pass? We're gonna play. Oh, this must be your lovely wife.
They'll come after you, like Peter went after that hockey coach. Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope. Okay. You can't leave, Brian.
JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf.
You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.
That truck's coming up on us awful fasT. Holy crap! Do you see what I see? I'm afraid I do! We're being chased by ghosts!
Well, to be honest, I lied for booze. But, Meg, you're a smart girl. You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong. You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian. Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image.
It's... (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING) (ANNOUNCER READING)
No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING)
Who, me? Yes, me.
I'd like to propose a toast. to our neighbors. Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but, hey, if they moved out, some smelly Hawaiians might move in. Hear, hear! Hey, Where's Quagmire? Yeah, If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived.
Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.
Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all.
I went back into the dining room and got the knife.
Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
(SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
I'm pregnant!
Now, let's get out there and meet some ladies, huh? But I don't want to date anyone else. I want Anna. Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin!
Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?
So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.
And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
Hey, Peter.
Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)
oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too.
Well, it may be popular, but I have to say I agree with Arianna. I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER)
right now, in high school, by these lockers. I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake.
Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!
I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.
I don't know. DJ ON RADIO: Classic rock 103.7, WHGT. I hate this station. They always make promises they can't deliver.
Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this.
(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!
I had sex with her!
Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
I can't... I can't do that. Hey, tweeps! JK, I don't follow you, you're lame. But look who just got herself a sick new tat. MEG: Oh, my God, Mom!
A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.
I got a great lawyer, and he says, worst case, eight to 12 years. And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. (TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH SCREAM) (CAR CRASHING) Goodbye, terrible women.
We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh! And a well-funded 401k. Ah! We are gonna have sex at some point!
Damn!
Fine, sweetie. This whole thing just makes me sick! For crying out loud, We played Pictionary with them! Bastards! Giddy-up, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! Hya! Well, bye. And to think they used to be our best friends! Well, That was then and this is now! And this is a chair. That's a lamp.
Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)
(TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.
Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again! (ALL CLUCKING)
ALL: No. Here, let me just read one. If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"? Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over. But I really missed you guys. I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. So I came home.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
There's something I always wanted to ask you. You were with a lot of girls. Did you ever get a sexual disease? Herpes twice. And the clap. aay!
No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again.
(STEWIE GASPS)
Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.
(GROANS) What the hell happened?
That's his house! undefinedTake that! " got it! Take that, you bum! What the hell are you doing? As that him? Yeah! Oh, crap! Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.
and you can stop acting like such a jackass.
(SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) I got glass in my face. Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. (DINGS) I got it. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch. You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television,
yeah! In your ... face, ...!
Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?
I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED! Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years!
Ah! What the heck? NudisT!
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
There's my little guy. Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.
A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!
Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you!
(SCREAMING)
This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?
Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby.
What the hell is going on up there? Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores. Better there than here where all my stuff is. So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11? Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.
Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.
Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Cookie.
and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here.
I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.
Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say. You're saving my life. Well, you saved mine. And, hey, we... We had a lot of good years together, right? Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.
Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home.
(RIPPING)
What are we watching? Glee?
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.
Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!
Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape.
Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol? Mister, you're in serious trouble.
oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava.
You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)
and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah Family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,
Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)
You bastard!
You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
I see. But you wrote all your other songs, right? No, all of my songs were written by other people. As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters. Oh. So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.
Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!
and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.
'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.
This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past that blockade. This bucket's got a few surprises left in her. Plus, me and Chewie are on it. Ain't that right, Chewie? Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder. You my nerf herder.
dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.
You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian.
Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.
Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient. We're projecting 10 billion within five years.
And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs. Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know?
but only a Griffin has thiS. Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it. Yes! Mmm, Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby! I'm going to sex you up so crazy! Yeah! Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?
Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!
Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic.
Quick, Brian! Get down!
Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?
I--I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just, did I just get bit by a mosquito? Hey, Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him his grandmother was just trying to work me over?
Shh, shh, shh. That's right. I bet you're hungry. It's okay. (SNIFFS) That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.
Road House.
If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain.
So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!
Hey, ladies. You mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes. Stewie, what is that on your lip? I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?"
What the fuck happened?
Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.
"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!
Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg.
Shh. Dad's awake. Don't bother whispering. I don't have a hangover. It's a Christmas miracle! Shouldn't you have your sweater on? That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.
(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)
- Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super...
I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
Hey, Matt. Matt.
This is horse shit!
(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.
But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house
Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING)
What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!
Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know.
That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.
Well, I bet I did something really important and exciting. Like maybe I was a speechwriter for the first ever black president. Hey, can he say the word "ask"? Or is that a word we should avoid?
Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.
We're gonna get a great view of the track from up here. This is gonna be a great race. Hey, what... What are you doing? Get down there. Where's your midget? Sorry, boss. Had to pee. Come on, you. Guess he's got a small bladder. (LAUGHING) Little tiny guy. Gotta go all the time. (CHUCKLING) Even though he's got to race, he couldn't hold it.
Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me.
MARY HART: Celebrating birthdays today, IG-88 turns 27, Lando Calrissian is 42, and "I Don't Like You, Either" Guy is 63.
And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me. And I want to thank you
Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.
we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati. - That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was. Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one.
Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?
and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC,
Well, y'know, When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical. But then I thought, hey! I could be like Hillary Clinton. Only, y'know without the penis.
(LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show? Peter, put me down. I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?
One of these days, Alice. One of these days... Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon. Oh.
(WAILING)
He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)
Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say
It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops.
Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel. Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? Yeah. Welcome to hell.
Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg. Here we go.
All right, I am totally flaccid,
Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, hey, it's Tom! Tommy! Hey, hey, I hear you took that black chick home. Hey, hey, you're welcome.
(SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV) Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...
undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy.
I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to. Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? (ALL YELLING) There you boys are. How was your meeting?
Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo, if you can believe that. (SHOUTING SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH) Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house, an event that will most likely be canceled in the future.
Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.
MAN ON TV: We now return to How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother. I was walking with my professor,
"Very interesting. "But stupid." Oh, My God! I love Arte Johnson! ThEn Why don't you give him a kiss? No, Peter, get away from mE. Come on. Stop iT. Give Arte Johnson a kiss.
Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT? Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?
CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."
Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient? Spugizakom. Ew!
I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad.
(GASPS) FEMALE VOICE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency? Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed by an Imperial walker and I need roadside assistance. Of course, sir. Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar? Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar. (HOARSELY) It's a trap.
Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!
Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!
I don't want to talk to you. Get out!
You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING) (GRUNTING) (LOUD CRACK) My back. I can't move.
Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions. Yes, so many questions! Me! Me! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Stu! Stu! Stu! Yes, you there. (GROANS) Yes, I have a question.
Peter, I wish you'd get rid of this thing. It's an absolute eyesore. What do you care, Lois? You girls got The Clam. We got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody. What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house. STEWIE: What is this? There's something wrong with the house. I don't like change!
ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful.
When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain.
Isn't she beautiful, Brian? The Duke boys would be proud, Peter. Yeah, And you got to get in through the window, like this. Ok. Now you. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead.
MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog. Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)
Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo. Well, Sometimes the business world's funny.
Wait a minute, do you know what this is?
Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson. Oh, Archie. I can't see out of my sheet! Edith, will you stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus. And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
and you want to chase us down the street as we're pulling away, you know where to find us.
We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.
Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!
Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight.
Peter, we can't do it. You're too heavy. PETER: Keep going. You're almost there. I found a rock I like.
Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--
Hey, you guys!
Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!
You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick.
Men, form up Crippletron!
Peter, where are you going? Lois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face. But Now that I've been given another chance, I'm gonna do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing. I'm gonna jump off this building.
I have one question for you! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that. So Joseph and Mary were turned away from the inn.
Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.
Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more.
(CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.
Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.
I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.
I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon. Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects. Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
on your poop deck. Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams...
That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!
Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.
Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,
You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?
I'm having a great time, Stewie.
Aw, Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, Like diamonds.
Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!
I'm proud of you, son. You are? 'cause I heard what you said about my huge, you know. Oh. Oh, you--You heard that, huh? Well, i--I was just being stupid. Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing.
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word?
I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back. I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you.
Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!
And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. Really? I don't know. I'm just bored.
Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?
Aah! Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What the hell are you doing here? It's a long story with some terrific performances, and a wonderful scene in A carnival, but I'll cut to the ending. I want to marry Lois! Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this, and stay away from my daughter forever!
MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas! MAN: Infertility! Here we go! Our grand prize winner is Brian Griffin.
You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so. All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night. Sperm finding a fertile egg. You refusing to do what a sane woman would do. You got him, Meg. You got him for life. Thanks, Brian.
Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.
But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa? Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out. Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay!
Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.
QUAGMIRE: But that wasn't the case.
Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,
Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...
So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on--
You want to fight that lady's boobs?
She's hot.
Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur. Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony?
And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing
(BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash!
Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.
God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?
but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff,
Who? Bazooka Joe? There you gO. Ah, The United Nations. Oh, I wish Chris could see this.
You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.
Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie. Sweet, we are out of here. Now I can do what I planned to do this morning. Gladiator mice. (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die!
I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat
Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.
Is Chris still doing chores for that disgusting old man? Meg, that's not nice. Old people have a lot to offer society. Just look at Kim Catrall. (MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go.
Don't worry about it.
(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING)
That was close. Huh, That looks dangerous. Somebody's gonna get hurt. It'll be fine.
Oh, It sounds like you don't want to go home. Are you running away? Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing! You know, son, running away never solves anything. You're getting to be a big boy now. And part of growing up means facing your problems head on. Hmm, The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog Police Force to Cartagena, Colombia, to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder. More on that later. Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out.
When Michael J. Fox is in the bathroom, turning into a werewolf for the first time and his dad's knocking on the door and he is freaking out and he opens the door and his dad's a werewolf, too. Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background,
on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
"I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims."
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--
It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing. I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly
And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected.
Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista. What's the worst that could happen?
I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.
Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS)
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.
Indeed I am.
Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today. Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now?
- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second,
Okay, but remember, kids, the people there have never seen people before. So when they walk up to you, quickly stuff a dollar bill in their mouth. Then you can pet them as much as you want. Is that true, Dad? No. Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place. I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples."
If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!
Were you followed? Don't worry. I've got a decoy. Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh? Well, I never! That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes. You know, We all really miss you.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy. Peter, your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptized.
(BEEPING) Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane.
Fuck!
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS)
Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago. - Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you.
They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink. I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep, then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What?
Two out of the three outs required. Okay, guys, let's go. Tom Brady is a quarterback.
Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.
But now, I wrap you in sticky towel and lay you in bucket of beet juice. Now I put herring in bucket with you, so you have friend. You know what? I bet my ways would seem just as foreign to you.
Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat. I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming.
"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back."
I was totally humiliated at school today.
- Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.
I faked all my orgasms.
- Dad! - Fat-ass!
Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.
(GRUMBLING)
Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children. You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN? Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze. Well, 'Bye, everyone.
One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development,
A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?
You ruined my adolescence, Lois.
Butt slam!
(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!
You jackass!
What am I doing here?
MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?
Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT?
Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water.
Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie?
Well, learn my birthday, asshole! (SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count.
Wakey, wakey. KIDS: Good morning, Mother Maggie.
He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs. (BONE CRACKING) (GRUNTS) PETER: Heads up. (PANTING)
I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again.
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.
(LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man!
Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here.
You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah
We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up,
Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.
Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go. Well, Bill, that's gotta be Bobcat. Oh-oh, Sorry, that was Bjork.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.
There's some awesome stuff in the garbage. Dad, can we please have a turn at the Xbox? Just a second, Meg. I'm still trying to get the hang of this. Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now?
Look, Peter. It's your favorite show. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois.
Giggly.
Oh, How did you get so sweet? When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.
Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron!
What do you got there, Quagmire? Is that Briggs? No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico!
As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.
You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck?
But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC, a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad,
Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?
(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?
Peter! I had a juice before we left.
Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy. Now do that thing where you rub my belly! I really like that! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face. One more push. (STRAINING) There we go! It's a boy!
(PLUME SCRATCHING) Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your gray lung. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt-marsh cutworms. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed!
My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?
This is more exciting than that time me and my friends did mushrooms. This is gonna be awesome! You said it.
Just come out whenever you're done. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Oh, God! I... I think I feel them moving. Hi. My partner and I want to have a baby.
Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)
I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh.
Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg,
Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry. She's dead, chief. Ho-ho! Dead. The Grateful Dead. Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho! We're fucked.
Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home.
Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this. Wait a second. It's coming. There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!
Get it? Tooth hurty? (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch! I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real! Okay, Peter, Lois did great. You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again. Big chair.
Uh, No. That--That's why we're on the road. Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad!
first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey. Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!
You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.
So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen or even matter. - Yes, that's correct. - So it was sort of like a dream. No, it was a simulation. Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened...
All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this.
Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this, Watch this. Hey? Uh? Look, see that? see that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Ok? Ok?
Though by many they're abhorred
Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing. Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?
Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. Good night. Not now, Abby.
Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous! Peter, Have you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise.
(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home.
(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.
No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!
So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation. Don't you mean, just under the line?
Please let it be a fart contest.
This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap.
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. It sure is! Fonzie be praised!
PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.
Who's gonna play guitar? Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song.
I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree. Oop! Broke my hip! Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant. You're gonna make the cutest baby Jesus ever.
What the... Who the hell are you?
Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?
He's dead. I forgot my purse.
"You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" And--And yet, you've taken that and--and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God! What a clever, smart girl you must be... to come up with-- With a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, That's so fresh, too.
Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE!
Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.
Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours!
It's you I'm worried about. You're just a sweet young lady with her whole life ahead of her. This story could ruin your future, and I can't let that happen. I'll take the fall, no matter what. Goodbye, Meg. I'll always value your friendship. I love you, Mayor ChapStick.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.
Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?
Stewie, what the hell happened?
Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.
Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked.
If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.
Stewie, what are you doing? Just getting my bronze on, baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose?
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
A rally? Sweet.
I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff,
Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.
(LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title. Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight. What are you talking about? Look at me. I got a broken nose.
I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. What? It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece.
And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING)
PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz.
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.
Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
And tonight I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called Stand by Me, about four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found themselves and also a dead body. PETER: The year was 1955,
I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia. Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live?
Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours.
Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors.
You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means.
Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here! Well, I can't stand this cold anymore. I'm gonna die. Oh! Well, it's probably for the best. There are way too many elderly comedians out here in the snow.
Fuck!
Love is all that I can give to you Love is more than just a game for two Two in love can make it Take my heart and please don't break it
I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter.
What? I'm doing the best I can. I'm not Nathaniel Hawthorne. (CHUCKLING) Nathaniel, what are you doing? Just ruining ninth grade for everyone. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I called you in today because your son, Chris, has been getting in quite a bit of trouble lately.
I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m.
Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?
This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.
He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
Get the fuck out of my house! Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec?
Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass! Ew!
Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control. Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid?
I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.
Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.
I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!
ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!
Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth,
It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry.
(SIGHS) "O squiggly line in my eye fluid "I see you there lurking on the periphery of my vision "But when I try to look at you you scurry away "Are you shy, squiggly line?
Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run!
You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us.
And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person,
Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.
(MUMBLING) Uh... I'm sorry? (MUMBLING) Uh... Yes? (MUMBLING) Hey, is there a bathroom around here? Yes, yes. Follow me.
Horsey, you saved my life.
Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!
Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look! WeLl, Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell? Actually, we are tired. And hungry. Well, We got plenty of room here, and all the fresh apples you can eat.
I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien. I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens. MAN ON STEREO: Party music Party song Does not attract attention Suggests a good time Gina, have you seen Chris? Yeah. He's over there.
What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on!
Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen.
Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.
I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.
Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING)
We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord?
The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser. I'll never be able to face Lois. Well, The circus is in town. Maybe you could run away and join it. The circus!
Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it.
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...
Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon.
I am vanquished.
I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.
(MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart.
I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!
You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.
while you were in there?
PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin struggled to make ends meet until he died tragically in the same manner as 78% of Americans at that time. He was stabbed in a card fight.
Roadhouse. That, too. Any word on Carter's condition yet? No, it's been three days, and I'm really starting to get worried. What if he's in a coma for, like, 20 years and he comes out of the coma and you guys are all dead, but I'm still alive and I'm a famous racecar driver,
but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker, thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40.
It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky And they'll tell you real sweet With a musical tweet It's a wonderful day for pie
Well, I mean, it's not really for them. It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude. I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself.
(SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING)
Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams. Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit. For more on the story, we go to our local affiliate, Channel Five Quahog, where Tom Tucker is on the scene. Tom? Thanks, Brian.
(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)
What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M.
Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
It's me. I'm Gossip Girl.
Listen, I need to ask you to do something, and it's something huge. I mean, it's, like, the biggest thing a guy could ever ask his friend to do. Hey, we're best pals, right? Whatever you need. All right, and you have to understand, I would never ask you to do this if I had any other choice and if what were at stake was anything less than my entire way of life.
Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit?
Try the clarinet. Keep playing! Keep playing! NO. No. No. Play it like you did last night. I--I can't. Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.
Never!
Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?
(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!
Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.
Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh! Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports illustrated.
You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares? It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.
Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...
'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.
We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio.
No! No! You'll never take me alive!
Come on. Come on. Go away!
Yee...
Dick.
that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No.
Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.
Like a champ he is. Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes And that's how you make a duck out of an oatmeal container. This is the greatest show in the history of television. Mother Maggie, you are a kindred spirit. This must be how twins who were separated at birth feel when they first meet.
grab a bite to eat and watch the big curling match on TV?
"Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. "You must go to him. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, "truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know?
Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay? We should all be so gay!
(CHATTERING) Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin?
You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton.
I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.
I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.
Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.
Peter, thank God. Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh.
One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident.
They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC
(PANTING) (CLATTERING)
OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.
Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me. I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla.
"Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit."
then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her.
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands We are the Quahog colonists and Mort the Jew Hey there We're out here on stage tonight to do a show for you
Oh, my God, that guy is huge.
Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing.
Uh-oh!
It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that!
Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris?
Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends?
Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon.
Shut up, "Greg."
Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)
Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass
This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same. You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat.
Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy? We're just a couple of guys messing around. Quiet, everybody, my commercial's on. Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.
I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.
So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk.
bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?
You gonna eat that?
Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman. Because I'm... I'm going to die old and alone. Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking. Listen, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you take Quagmire's class on picking up chicks? Quagmire teaches a class? How come I've never heard about this? 'Cause Quagmire forbids us to tell you about his life. As you may recall, he hates you.
Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.
And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.
Thank goodness I've got you
Let's talk turkey. We want to play the Feud. Well, you're in luck. The other family we've chosen has three daughters, so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye
I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.
He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)
I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!
The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal" where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter."
You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!
I hear report cards were handed out today. What were your gradeS? uh... Uh... Uh... Quit Stalin and answer your father. Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?
Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?
Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
The BBC!
This must be how Maverick felt when he met Goose. I feel the need. The need for speed! The need for speed! And Scientology. No, just speed.
(CROWD GASPS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) You did it, Peter.
Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own.
(GRUNTS) Attaboy, Ope.
(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?
Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok?
They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie. Man, I wonder what he's doing now. (GASPING) Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra. Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back,
Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see
baggy full of Cheerios...
But I guess that's too much to ask. (DOOR BELL RINGS) (ALL SHOUTING) Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul.
You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?
Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!
Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice. I'll say. Peter, is that... Are you... Molly Ringwald? Yeah. How's it going?
Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This. You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these?
Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?
Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT! That's it! Lois, Your singing days are over.
You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!
The Colonel!
Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!
There.
Regular life La, la, la, la, la, la... (SCREAMS) And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer. People are gonna miss me when I'm...
We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!
I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!
Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)
Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man. I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody - if you had the money tomorrow. - Yeah, all right. - I'II see what I can do. - Sweet, sweet. Great. - How's everything else going? - Good.
(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.
I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the united European Commonwealth? Why, yes. I dare say, that's the fellow. Oh, Let's get him. Oh, Reginald! I disagree!
(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)
(SCREAMS) (CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem.
Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell?
Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!
Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!
It's dead.
Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!
It's important to make sure everyone is happy, so I took a lot of polls. Gay stuff. Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.N. interpreter. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something. He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot.
Did you try the chicken, buddy?
What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood. Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch and our first group date. ls everyone ready for a little cowboy action? undefinedYeah! " love horses.
CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.
Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons. A stunning development tonight as O.J. Simpson is proven innocent. We have the identity of the real killer. But first...
What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing?
I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick! How messed up in the head are you that you would even ask? Look, okay, okay, just calm down, okay?
Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!
Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present.
Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!
No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.
I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud. Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family. On your marks, let's start the Family Feud!
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to!
This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie?
It wasn't that great.
I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society! You get a job!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Hold it right there! You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)
Brian, I know my brother. He couldn't have done these things. Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this. Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler.
- You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.
Oh, no. That boy's ball fell out of the cup. Oh, but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.
Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)
Get the fucking crack!
We gather today to remember those brave quahog men who were lost at sea. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore.
There it is boys, the Fountain of Youth. Just like I told you. Well, that was worth the 8-year boat ride.
Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance. They're probably just shy or scared. Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom. I finally got up the guts, but i--I had this damn nervous twitch.
Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War! Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you!
Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes. - Bye, Mom. - Bye!
You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?
ANNOUNCER: We now return to the post-Roe vs. Wade Brady Bunch. Greg! Marcia! Get down here! (BOTH BARKING) Oh, you two are such a handful! (MUSIC PLAYING)
What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!
Uh, Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room. You're Mel Gibson? Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!
And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy! I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before. Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.
You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!
Oh, my God. Brian was right. Meg really must be obsessed with him. Peter, we gotta find them. Don't worry, Lois, we're the police and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl-Chris. I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. I can't believe you went to all this trouble.
And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
"Where's my penis, pilgrims?"
Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. Sperm whales and seamen. A swallow.
James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.
A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.
Dinner was 3 hours ago!
Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson. So, as you can see,
Very fair. Like our prices.
Volcano insurance! Go on. According to my uncle, who's a real whiz with volcanoes, a volcano is coming this way! hmm. I, too, have an uncle. Come in.
Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.
Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at?
Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? You shall not pass.
Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under till the bubbles stopped! Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"?
If I couldn't catch a 2-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race? Hey, hey! What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did--Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No!
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors. I thiNk She wants you to meet them. She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.
PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on. DREYFUSS: Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.
(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)
Ok!
- Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up? And that's not even Kyle. Peter, we can't live like this. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Everything we had is gone! We have friends, Peter. Not anymore, we don't. They're good people. They'll listen. And they'll care what happens to us, even after everything that's happened.
Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees. Yeah! You are all villains to me because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah! (LOUD CHEERING) What's going on? Did I miss something? Nah, just some idiot streaking across the field. Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. You didn't plan on it, but it's happening.
And I hate myself.
My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture... you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.
God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right.
Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.
Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.
Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.
You think I'd miss this party?
Well, One of us is gonna have to change.
- Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM)
Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second. I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion. (MUSIC PLAYING)
Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas.
I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.
Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment. I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace. Hey, Death, I got a favor to ask you.
Nothing but net.
Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well...
Meet George Jetson His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife
That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.
Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking.
Death. Death to America.
Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.
I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment. Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's assbitch. If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her.
oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!
Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew.
Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?
How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING) (EXHALES) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS)
(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I... I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph.
You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.
They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.
We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Well, that was a close call. You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Your daughter's a sexual predator.
"And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox.'"
but our society hasn't figured that out! Did you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs? What? Oh, no! Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy.
Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!
(SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)
Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it!
Well, I love Anne Klein.
But I suppose sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is right. And if that's what you thought was right, I guess I can accept it. I'm glad you're home, son. Me, too, Dad. You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too.
- Okay? - Jesus.
Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.
Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him. I got shortstop.
No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!
A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.
Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.
Oh, my God, that was such a rush.
Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.
I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with. (LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen, can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING)
I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store.
In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch. (FART)
All right, who'd like to kick us off? I will. Hi, my name is Walt and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Walt. I used to be out of control. I used to drink from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I'd get in fights and have crazy sex with hookers all night. But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year.
I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old. Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie. Little did I know this would lead to an eight-year-long psychosexual entanglement. She's probably dead now. Life's funny sometimes.
Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.
Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)
Peter, who is it? Is Meg dead?
This is barely even a forest. I can see an Arby's through the trees.
A filthy, filthy whore!
Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit. For more on the story, we go to our local affiliate, Channel Five Quahog, where Tom Tucker is on the scene. Tom? Thanks, Brian. I saw that you opened my birthday Evite. Now I just need you to go ahead and reply. I'm standing here at the home of the Griffin family,
If I see you again, I'll kill you.
Don't move. Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.
Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives. Aw, I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kind of rooting against him. We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged."
Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.
Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!
I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? You've had this since 1999? You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? It's a song about dogs and letting them out. I could have you arrested for breaking in here. Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine.
And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me? But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan." Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it!
And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL! Stewie, honey, time for bed.
She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)
That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?
Okay, what the fuck?
(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit.
Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.
Hello, I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin. You're in him. Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service? Yes. I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinnER. I demand to speak to your supervisor. Hold, please. oh, Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth.
And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married. So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful? Who wants to be pure? Who wants to be abstinent?
Oh, That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance. Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. So, Bill. We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too!
And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
Um, Movin' on. So, uh, I finally tried Viagra and-- Oh, We got a joker in the audience there. You, uh, You got something you want to say, there, Mr. Heckler? Dying hurts. Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flyin'?
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!
Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay! You can watch all the T.V. you want just as soon as we get back from the mall.
You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the "I" with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.
That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine!
(HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants
Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?
(GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right?
Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?
I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious? All right, Chrissy. Here we go. (GIRL 1 GASPS) BOY 1: Look! BOY 2: Oh, my God! BOY 3: Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico? BOY 4: I think it is! GIRL 2: Wow! That makes him popular. JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin! JOCK 2: Griff-a!
Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.
(PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie.
So what? I think what's actually alarming is the fact that all this kind of pseudo-spirituality is being peddled to the American people in books that have, really, less substance than an issue of TV Guide. That's a good argument. It's a very good argument. I agree. I agree.
Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur. Oh, my God!
You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids. - And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it.
I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year! And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)
I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!
Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion. We should spend some time together as a family.
Where're we going? Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. We're going to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!
Fuck off.
Come on, Brian. All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow.
Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.
And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.
RED: The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him. He was a fat drink of water, the kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen. Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight.
Don't talk to mother in like fashion! That's it. The belt is coming off. All right, son. Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. Right? 'Cause "hurt locker" means some kind of war hero thing, or something. Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is.
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win?
I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is,
Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs! Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
I love my job. Yum, yum, yum...
Just take a look, will you? (SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely. I mean, look at this. Aladdin 4: Jafar May Need Glasses. Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) Number one, number two.
Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.
Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big...
Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.
(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.
This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life.
I don't know what I was thinking. I made nine mistakes, and I was afraid that I was gonna make another one. And you know what? I almost did. Adam, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh! But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this.
It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world I say, fat man. Get me out of here.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
(ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him! Boys, to your Rascals!
From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer, comes a funky flick so bad you gonna say, "Damn, that's funky."
Kill Brian for me.
Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again If we wanna get to Aspen, we're gonna have to get over those mountains somehow.
Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one!
My tulips! You dick.
Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!
If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.
I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!
Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.
Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)
(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.
I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!
Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite. He's insecure. And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest?
I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole,
Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!
Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here. (CLICKS)
Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen!
Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday. There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now.
like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.
I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!
My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
(SHUSHING)
Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup." - Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch.
Sweet'N Low!
What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.
Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Peter, what the hell is all this? Well, I'm a bachelor, so I invited a bunch of people over, and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do.
(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)
Happy birthday, sweetheart. Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake?
(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends?
We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes. - It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey.
We're gonna be a Nielsen family? That's awesome. (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS) I think, uh... I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go.
They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it.
You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!
(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!
World War V.
I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day.
You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.
Well, let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing. I think Zack and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants.
Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of town hall with a high-powered rifle! The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns some real-world experience. Hey, That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper!
Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."
Jerome? Loose Lois?
So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage. And could you get one for the ghost? Boo, eh? Hey, Chris, could we talk to you? If you're gonna insult me again, just go away.
Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little? (LAUGHING) Yeah. And what does a chicken say? "Moo." (LAUGHS) Why not? Come on, Ma. Hey, what gives with the suitcase? Tom, there's no easy way to say this. I'll just come right out with it. I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Why?
This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS)
That's good. Hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed That with the sun's love In the spring
- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off! Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on.
My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.
You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped.
Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.
I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend. You know, a lot of dogs just sit outside, tied to poles. Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay? So he's Muslim. Every culture has its quirks. Italian guys talk with their hands a lot, Irish guys drink a lot, black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story.
I wish everyone was Robin Williams!
(IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. Look, dinner's just about ready. Why don't I get you seated in the dining room and then we'll pour the wine?
You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.
All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial. If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain.
West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four.
Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.
Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs.
I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!
Sweet.
Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to you!
(LAUGHING) That's something. All right, so what do you say? You want to go see the Emperor?
Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people.
MAN: What the hell are you doing? WOMAN: Give that back! MAN: Man! WOMAN: Now, where were we? MAN: This is much better. Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected. Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman.
Forget it! False alarm!
and I will not have that kind of talk here. Whatever. (TV CHATTERING) Griffin! Did you call the distributor about the... What? What's the problem? Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's...
We made it! I don't believe it! We climbed Mount Everest!
Where are my flapjacks? Huh? You will recall, last night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my legs, I spake thusly, "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks." It was a simple message, yet it has gone unheeded.
So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.
(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay.
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? No, Dad. He's lying. There's no doubt about that.
Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.
Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!
What exactly are you looking for? According to my schematics, it should be right in here. Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that.
I love Wings.
(INAUDIBLE)
Looks like you ran over him, Lois. Oh, no! He's unconscious! Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up! Yeah, but... What? Let's put a hat on him to cover the wound, and then let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids and find a way to pin this on someone else. I love you so much right now. Let's go to the hospital.
Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?
Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit?
Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it. You saved my life.
(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!
what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.
For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!
What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...
(STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS) No!
You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?
Shut up, Joe. Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink. What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom.
Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine.
That was so sweet. It was wicked awesomE.
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me.
You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)
(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better!
Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words.
This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them.
Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.
Worse than when I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.
Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear I'll love you for all time I'm just a fool
(GIGGLING)
Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us?
(ALL SINGING) Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?
And meanwhile, you're spending half our money down at the General Store, and the other half at the Specific Store. Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds? Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.
PETER: Of course, back then,
"Whore"?
What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to!
Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
feet
Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing?
Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.
He was a little Iraqi street kid. I'd befriended him a few months earlier. Couldn't have been more than 12 years old. I taught him how to crack wise, American style. (ALL SCREAMING) I guess that store's having a fire sale. (LAUGHS) KEVIN: I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age.
What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.
Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.
Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly. Channel Five News has file footage of pills being sorted. Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common.
Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?
I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing Just take it off
Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.
I was born in 1987.
Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You're a happy guy when you plant the seed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed!
You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus. There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.
Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.
My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.
That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin.
You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.
You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek. And initial here...
(RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations. Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping?
We're finished. We're never gonna get home. We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again. You got your pal Stewie. Great.
Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.
And the French guy says, "Deodorant? What's that?" All right. All right. I've got one. I've got one, um, Ok, 2 men are standing at the Pearly Gates. Oh, God, wait! How did that one go? oh, well, Anyway, it turns out they're Siegfried and Roy. I'm no good at telling jokes.
Chris, your father and I are very upset by this new attitude of yours.
Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her. Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance.
(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off!
Fuck!
So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.
But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...
Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy! Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign. (ALL CLAMORING) PETER: He did, too! I saw the picture! STEWIE: Don't touch me.
- Hello? - Hi, Mom. - Chris, are you all right? - Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay! - Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time.
Hey, dog, let's go. My dad won you fair and square. You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun?
Whoa! That sounds awesome. No, it's lame. Everything's lame. Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in. I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts. Wow! Oh, my God!
Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses.
that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here!
(GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first, did you actually sit in the water or was that...
There is one thing, though, and I'm sorry about this, but your room's not ready till 4:00. So feel free to use our business center, or enjoy the pool. (KIDS LAUGHING) Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it!
"I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...
Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out! Yeah! Yeah! Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it! Yeah! Yeah! And sometimes walking out onto a dry plain or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then! - Yeah. - Yeah. What?
Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant... just to sit around and do whatever you want. Wow! Imagine what a genius like me could do with all that money.
Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us
We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
(STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SOBBING) We broke up.
This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris.
Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover.
Oh, My, look at all the damage. Oh, Thank God the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact.
Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast.
Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.
I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. Ah, So much rug burn! Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon.
Somebody burned down Jerome's house last night. This whacked-out world! It just makes you want to grab your nephew and get in a van and shoot people in the DC area. Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him! And no one would blame you.
Hey, Meg. Hi, Connie.
(GASPING) What?
After him!
(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No.
Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts!
(DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.
You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian. Tell me why Sorry, that was the booze, not you.
(GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie. You're acting crazy out there, man.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go.
God, I hate dogs. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yeah. They're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards. I'm just not really a dog person, I guess.
WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning.
And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)
I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him, and no one would be gay. Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo.
Are you gonna take that? Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes!
Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me?
Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more.
(GRUNTING) My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that?
You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in. Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it.
Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking?
Peter, dinner! No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie.
At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.