Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants.

As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that.

Victory is ours. Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope! Ahh! Hey Bob, y-you remember the other day, you were asking me what the definition of irony was, and I said-- Ahh!

What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored? Chris, when I was in school, you know what we used to do... when a teacher gave us a bad grade?

We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge?

- (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye.

which is like 200 9/11's. So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you. I'm just saying this war is wrong. Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. Your job is to follow orders. Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? They followed orders.

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.

Dude, that is an amazing story. Hey, what if there were Korean pilots? Yeah. I'm not really looking for notes, but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify Oh, yeah I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.

That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.

My cab's right outside. (SHOUTING) (ROARING)

Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind the curtain of the V.I.P. room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone.

Do you have AIDS?

Reunited and it feels so good

All right, Chris, Meg loves to listen to music when she sleeps. Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works.

Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow,

Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!

Boy, am I going to enjoy this meal. Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

you were more interested in partying with your friends. Then Glenn came along and stole my heart. When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever.

he used to be a member here, but he was very annoying. Oh, my, that's surprising. I've heard he has quite the blue-blood pedigree. You know, he got a piece of Jackie Kennedy before she was defiled by that hairy olive-eater. Yeah, and he once made me a grilled cheese sandwich after this. Well, I wasn't sure about Pewterschmidt, but after hearing you gentlemen talk,

(PANTING) Hey, don't worry. I'm here. Robin? They sent you? Yeah. Everyone else was busy, so they sent me. What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers. Uh, I got a cell phone. Oh, no bars.

But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. Plus, I went to her first grade play that one time. Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle.

Thank goodness I've got you Who's got a guy to tell her jokes? You do! Who's got a girl to show the folks? You do!

Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

Good night, buddy. Hey, what's the matter? I'm scared of the storm, Dad.

Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

Ugly phoque and bitch. Good job, Chris. I think you're ready. And remember, you can use that word as much as you want. Even home, at the dinner table, in front of your parents. Because it's French, and French is classy. Okay, I'm off. Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck wherever you wind up.

My job sucks.

COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats! As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.

All right, Quagmire, clear your mind... Ooh. Soft hands. Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

We're not here for him. We're here for you guys. You're under arrest for interfering with a police investigation. What? Yeah, what the hell? You should be out there arresting the real criminals. Like switchblade-wielding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk. Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?

What's going on, B minus?

Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude.

He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours. How convenient! Blame it on someone else.

Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife.

What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

Stay here in limbo. No, no, No, wait--Wait. I don't want to be in limbo! Ok. It says the next note will be right under my nose. And they're off! And quick out in front, Silver Dasher,

I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

MADDEN: Boom! There's your groom over here. Boom! You got your bride right here. A lot of people say that Stacy's no good, and that she's slept with this guy, and done that guy and even did some hand work on this guy, but I'll tell you something, that experience is gonna work in her favor late in the game. You know who had a heck of a wedding? Brett Favre.

Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can.

in nothing but a space helmet and moon boots. It just came to me. - You want some Tang, Mr. Spaceman? - Do I? Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains.

I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen?

And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!

Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us.

(YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous.

I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.

Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet.

This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F.

Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

(PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state

This is my family. My wife, Lois.

Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

you know, in a couple of years, something's going to come along called Sesame Street. And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind. The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day.

We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium. 10, 9, 8... This is it!

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan "B." Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help! Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger.

Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in. (CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing?

Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt!

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.

Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint. Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart. You do?

Mr. President, I need to have a word with you! Wow! You certainly are very persuasive. So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it? Or do you not even know what's going on? I also am curious about that.

Is what normal families say.

No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus.

MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens.

How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.

Oh, Chris, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here, safe and sound. Me, too, Mom.

I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband! Ha! I knew it! And what's more, I have witnesses! Bonnie! Loretta? Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here? I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.

I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz We don't know what Christmas is!

(SIGHS) You know what, Brian?

Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight. This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them.

You what? Yeah, we're rich now. I don't need to be working. Oh, you should've been there, Lois. I told Angela what she could do with that job, just like I always fantasized. Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment.

my pride.

Osama!

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

He shoots! He scores!

Wrong floor. Stormtrooper church. And do you, Allen, take Judith to be your lawfully wedded wife till death or a giant explosion do you part?

Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this. I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

(ALL SHOUT) (JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much! (SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt.

God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Dad, please don't do this! You can't make him marry me! I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant.

This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. There's no conflict in this movie! When are you gonna get rid of that stump? I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right? Just get off my back!

Yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said "no Portuguese," but... no Portuguese. So, I see here you worked for a family for a number of years. Can I call the Herculoids for a reference?

It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si.

Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, trust me. How many times have I done this before? All right, but be careful.

Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog.

I think you and I are gonna have a lot of fun together.

That... That was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left? Well, I mean, we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse 'em. Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up. Where did they go? There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye. Are you gonna take that? Lois!

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck.

Me! Me!

(FARTING) Sorry! Sorry. Been building up for a while. Sorry. (CONTINUES FARTING) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about this. Sorry. There we are.

Remember me, dirt bag?

Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

(SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?

MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson, and for some reason, Steve Buscemi. Man, look at that Steve Buscemi. Every one of his teeth is in business for itself. You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell?

I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door. (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy! Peter, you're not getting money for that or anything else. We're running seriously low on cash right now.

A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

So, uh, any possibility of tonight being the night we finally push the beds together. Good night, Brian. Come on. Jeez, enough with that already. You're like a dog with a bone. Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

The question is, who? Well, I know one person who could have. My partner, Tom. All right, it's true. James Woods ruined my career! I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down.

What's going on? Stewie? Well, Brian, you proved me wrong. What the hell are you talking about? What... What is all this? You see, Brian, I conducted a little experiment. Remember our little argument about whether you and Peter were actually friends?

O is for the only one I see V is very, very extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Is he smart, or is he like me?

Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it?

STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.

- Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

Holy crip, he's a crapple! Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic? Ok, Joe, you got me. Rise and shine. Come on. Stand and deliver. Get the hell up. You're a hoot, Peter. Play ball! Let's do it!

Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice! ROck thE boat!

When did the machine send him? I don't know. How can you not know? It's a time machine. Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year or something? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah. Stupid dog. Well, then, can't you just press a couple buttons and bring him back?

ANNOUNCER: Jeff Bridges and Laura Linney in Danger In Cincinnati. We've got 24 hours before those terrorists set off that new type of bomb that makes an invisible explosion. What are we gonna do? Let's get back to headquarters. Should we take the helicopter? No, let's... Let's walk, it's a nice day.

I like you.

Look what the Lynches gave us. A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger. You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard. There is only another fist. That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris? You know, this place may be the upside to everything that's happened.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?

(PETER LAUGHING)

Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup. So, how's the flying business? Not so great. The economy's sort of taking its toll. Lot of salary cuts. A lot of layoffs. Yeah? That's pretty much it. I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet. I don't know. Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work?

...97, 98, 99, 100.

Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out. Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.

I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

It's good to finally be off duty. Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire. Yeah, this is the Air Force graveyard,

My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)

Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite. Oh, Really? I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns. Good morning, Brian.

(YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

Oh, my God! You can talk!

You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)

Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy.

In local news, Quahog is expecting a special guest this weekend, famed Asian competitive eating champion, Charles Yamamoto. Yamamoto has not yet lost a hot dog eating competition on his world tour. But if you think you have what it takes to beat the best eater in the world, come down to the James Woods High parking lot this Saturday with $50 and a large appetite.

See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean?

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane!

Diane? Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon. Oh, my God!

Get some! Get some!

I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

I was overwhelmed.

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING)

hai-ya!

(IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off!

Wait a minute, Rupert, there's a weapons systems cooling duct on the far side of the hull. If we can get just one good shot at it, we can blow that fat bastard out of the cosmos.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

"they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet." (GROANS) That one didn't work.

Hey, Stewie, you up?

Yes, there is. You can live your life, Loretta. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can. I love you.

Right on.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute.

(ALL GASP) Oh, my God. It's enormous.

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer!

so they're not sticking out haphazardly! You know what? Forget about the money! Everybody grab a broom! We are straightening this place up! All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond.

(GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie! Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and... A lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and... Oh, here's where the story gets fun. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear.

Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?

Mambo!

Here's a song by a gay guy.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

(MUMBLING) Jeopardy!

If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak. (BOTH GUFFAWING) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, pie. I know what you want.

I'm going to play this really loud tonight to get back at our Armenian neighbors. (MUSIC PLAYING) Hey. Hey, looks like a fun party. Um, hey, listen, it's 2:00 in the morning. Uh, when is your five-year-old going to go to sleep? Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves?

Oh, no, you can't put your hand back up after you've put it down. You know what, never mind. Stewie, look at this. September 1, 1939. There's something about that date. I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass.

She had 9 S.T.D's.

How am I funny? I don't know. You say funny things. No, No. I mean, I'm what? Am I George Carlin funny? Am I Spin City funny? Rita Rudner funny? What? Come on. Rita Rudner funny. Yeah. Rita Rudner funny. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.

...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death!

I'll deal with them myself.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

All right! Oh, no!

Peter, You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there. Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise. Then at least let me drive! Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. heh, A woman driving. That's adorable. Peter, I don't think... Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car!

Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose.

You gonna eat that? Yes, the day can begin. Good morning, Brian. Now, we can do this one of two ways. I can bust your balls to pieces right now or we can spread it out over the course of the day. I don't wanna talk about it. Well, I do. So, tell me everything that happened at the dance.

That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

Welcome back, FARGAS.

What's for dinner? Play-Doh spaghetti. - Oh! - What? No. No, it's nothing. Just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night. (GRUMBLING) And that's all we had last night. What does that mean? Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Maybe that we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex. Do you even know what sex is?

I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know!

Looks like this is a suicide mission. (YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems.

I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical.

In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane Rupaul which is working his or her way up the coast.

That's sweet of you to ask, but he's my nephew.

I can't believe this. Two weeks in prison on trumped-up charges. That trial was a total sham. Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.

Trick or treat!

Maybe our paths will cross again someday. (SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.

"We'll take the box."

At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Look, I may have been a little rash. Our ratings have dropped 50%. Whatever suggestions you have, I'll listen. And so, gentlemen, in baseball, three strikes and you're out. But three Lucky Strikes...

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

Brian, Brian, let me handle this. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?

Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts.

Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama.

He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.

No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible.

- What did I just say? - I'm sorry.

Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.

Lois, I can't believe you're doing this. If you work for Fox News, you're gonna be selling your soul. Oh, Brian, come on. They're a major news network. I would think you'd be excited for me. Are you kidding? They're a lie factory.

Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it. Really? You want to go throw up? Hey, Dad, let's go whack some moles! Now, Chris, we're not here for fun.

LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt.

Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

(GUNSHOT)

Quagmire, you got to help us. We pissed off a bunch of ghosts, and now our house is gone and we got no place to stay. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time. WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version? Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing.

Previously on Family Guy. Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car!

No, I'm Meg Griffin.

Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

Stewie, wait, don't... Hey, there. Eat up, y'all. Youse is good churchgoing folk. Y'all deserve a little treat. Give me that! Well, aren't you an enthusiastic wafer muncher. What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup.

the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her?

I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people...

Peter, we've had complaints from all over town. You're gonna have to stop with the kicking. Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.

Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving? I don't know. It's always the same thing. Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box,

uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes.

So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.

And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.

Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher.

Oh, Look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, And your little bronze hat. And your tail. - My what? - Nothing.

Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah!

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say.

Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly... What the... Where am I? This is Straight Camp, Peter. I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for Lois. By the time you get out of here, you're gonna be back to your old self again. Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone.

This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome! That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian. We fix it up and sell it for a huge profit.

Hey, you. Hit me.

You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time. That's absurd. Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party.

She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there. It's really sad and a tiny bit funny. Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high. Now I'm messed up, too. (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

and stick pine cones in my ass.

Maybe he's forgotten you Chumba Wumba gobbledy gorse Count yourself lucky you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway!

Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass. Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening.

Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.

All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks!

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree.

I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, yeah. (SCREAMS) Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself. Look at me sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet. I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.

I just have to concentrate on driving. Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Go, Dallas Cowboys, huh? Hello. Excuse me? You are American, no? I very much admire your Garry Shandling.

and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.

Ah! What the heck?

Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly! Check this out, you guys. The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! First prize is $500! Really?

Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?

That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets!

Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes? Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter. And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown!

Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward. Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it... a time machine. E-flat, Salieri! E-flat!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) STEWIE: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right? Look, Stewie, I can't talk about this now, all right? Jeez, what's your problem? I just... I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it.

this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster!

(CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

(READING) You know, I think they kind of figured that movie was going to turn out to be bigger than it was. Oh, come on, Lois, it'll be awesome. It simulates all the fun of, um... What was it now? It was like a tall guy in a black hat and a cape or something? Yeah, yeah. And there was the guy with the mask who wore a mask.

I don't believe it. It worked. Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin. (GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way.

The first one's always hard.

Welcome back to Channel 5 News at 10:00. For those of you wondering what I've been writing down as we go to commercial, it's a cat. Just a cat. In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art.

His movies are terrible.

What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck.

Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me!

Looks like we got a joker here.

What a dumbass!

We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh!

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse?

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a lot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined.

(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex? Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we?

This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal. Hello, Alaska! Adam!

Yeah, y-y-you're doing-- You're doing good.

He died two weeks later. Some say of a broken heart. What, sir? But that was Carstairs. What the hell is going on here? Mr. Griffin, your house is being repossessed for failure to make payment. Oh, my God, the house too?

And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel. You got something new to write about now, you know. Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak.

Hear what '80s mainstay Howard Hesseman has to say about it. I love it. Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed? We don't think so. Order now.

PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin struggled to make ends meet until he died tragically in the same manner as 78% of Americans at that time. He was stabbed in a card fight. It was a simpler time. It was a better time.

Love lift us up where we belong where the eagles fly on A mountain high love lift us up where we belong

DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident. You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders.

Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares?

What about lemon juice?

(PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Oh, God! I... I think I feel them moving.

Hey, Joe, what are you doing? I thought we were gonna go to The Clam and get wasted. Ugh. I can't. I'm on duty tonight. And Halloween's got to be the worst night of the year to be a cop. All you do is drive around, confiscate beer from teenagers and occasionally handcuff a drunk woman in a sexy costume.

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me. Peter, what the hell is this about?

And since the laws of death no longer apply, I can do this. That's right, Tom. And now it's time for sports. GrEAT, The whole world is laughing at me.

All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face. Please! I've had it up to here with Ewoks. Now, stab him and wear his face! And then go home to his family still wearing his face, and see how long it takes them to figure out that it's you and not him.

Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

No, Quagmire. We got enough kids of our own. Plus old Brian over there. Right, buddy? I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a Band-Aid. You're doing the right thing, Quagmire.

Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different.

Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe. You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company. Oh, I don't, do I? Well, let me tell you a little story.

Last night, Carter was on his deathbed,

I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that marathon. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it? I'll tell you, Bob. I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow. You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all.

My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules!

I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again!

A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax.

(WIND BLOWING) Stewie! What? I have to tell you about the future! What? I have to tell you about the future! On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael. I have to tell you about your future.

Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

Cookie. Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. Oh, god!

Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me, "and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff. "P.S. If the cops ask, "tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. "If you tell anyone otherwise,

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

(BEEPS) (BEEPS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nah. It's too much, too much. (BEEPS)

It's my poop bucket.

Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous!

Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick.

Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama?

He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!

None of them be missed

Ugh! Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here. You're a worse parent than Britney Spears. I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD)

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

She's gone! We lost her. Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois. Chris, you check the basement with Herbert.

Yeah, I forgive you. (STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SOBBING) We broke up.

Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

Sorry, love. Better luck next time. Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! And What you've done is a textbook example of insurance... "fraud"! Oh, Bloody hell! What the devil were you doing in the closet anyway? I came with Demond.

I can't believe Horace is dead.

And if you say "That's what she said,"

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS)

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.

And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no!

This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello? Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House.

Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it! - Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life!

I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk! (HUMMING STAR WARS THEME)

like the whole Irish nation When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule

Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead. Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine.

Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material!

Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? James Taylor. Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license.

I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin.

I wants me that beer. (ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

(Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.

He--He doesn't know how to haggle. Peter, what's going on? I'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead. Yeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike. Boy, I had so much fun playing with that. More tea, Mr. Bike?

Jerry, Jerry, it's sperm and nonsense.

That teacher sounds really irresponsible. She is. Adults are stupid. The world would be so much better if it were run by babies. TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often.

Any questions? Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? You'll get the answer to that question next Saturday. (SCOFFS) Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.

(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know. Gee, I hope I didn't scare the cows. I don't want to put them in a bad mood. (CRICKET CHIRPING) (SOBBING)

- Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City. - What? Yeah, those jokers just called and said I had to go on a last-minute business trip. What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see.

The day I'm corrected by a....

and Check out the new toys we're making. "Baby Smokes-A-Lot"? Tastes like happy. Cool! That's imitatable! What the hell?

Jeez. CatDog. What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands, that's what... That's what happens. All right, look, let's get some music going on in here. Where's the Lullaby Channel? (RADIO CLICKS ON) (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I guess it just goes to show that you-- Shut up and let's do it! (LOIS) Oh, Peter! (PETER) Yes! Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein. Oh, ha-ha!

(LAUGHS) Movie references. Guys, I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck! Hurry!

What's the big deal?

This is no cave. What?

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you!

And--and--and--And he told me, "You don't have to understand it.

Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.

Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society. They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take him away.

A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans.

Which actually brings me to my next point: uh, Your wife's cheating on you. What? Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.

I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie.

Well, here we are. That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice?

It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people.

Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture. And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing. Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie.

you're dead!

I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

"Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium. Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal?

That with the sun's love In the spring Becomes the rose

Oh, Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!

Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right.

Peter, wait. That corner's a bit of a hike for me. I'd rather just come see you at home. What? Where'd you get this kind of money? The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for.

Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.

drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!

GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

What? What the hell are you talking about?

Hide!

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on?

I have herpes. I think you should get yourself checked out. Oh, my God. - Will you stay? - What? Will you stay with me even knowing that I have herpes? Yes, I will. - Joanie? - Yeah? I don't have herpes. I just needed to know that you'd stay.

Oh, my God, we did it! We struck gold! This is amazing! We're gonna be rich! Rich and gay. Come here. (COWS MOOING)

How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode. Okay, Quagmire, I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop because that first bite is the one that really hurts. Well, okay. (GRUNTS) Ah!

You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr. I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything.

(SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry.

Nice to see you

Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."

He's a family guy

What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian. This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11. Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay?

Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

I swallowed this People magazine in 1989. All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee. It's so nice to have you home, dear. I can take it or leave it.

Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody. Giggity Goo Ga!

In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe! Peter, we can't afford this.

Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion.

Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

Aw, Don't cry, sweetheart. I'll--I'll make it up to you. You remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well, I bought him. And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise! Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

"'You should make the time,' said the farmer."

You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, I felt something.

Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg.

Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it?

Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

You got a room full of chicks like that and you're thinking about Babs?

Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House? Well, I guess we're just lucky nobody got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I agree.

Break it up! Break it up!

(PANTING) (CLATTERING)

I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society!

Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now.

Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?"

Carter, get out of here this instant!

STEWIE: Oh, no! Did that hit Crazy Stairs?

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead!

So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian? All right, you guys. I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking...

And Bush's bombing countries 'Cause I like it

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Greedo, as a matter of fact, I was just going to see Jabba and tell him... (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

(THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin!

Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this.

Will Lois Griffin please come to the courtesy booth? We have a little gift for you. (SNICKERING) I'm Lois... Oh, for God's sakes, Peter. Yay, Lois!

But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully.

This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Nice going, Schweinhund! The fourth Stooge. That's right. There were supposed to be four Stooges! It was gonna be hilarious! And Osama Bin Laden's America-loving older brother. I would have talked him out of it! Wow. Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts!

I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.

Hey. These are mine. You hear me? Mine. Oh, God. Not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day. I'm entitled to these things, Lois, especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall. What do you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey... Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas.

Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Step right up and fight my wife! Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee. Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore. Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.

You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch?

Oh, Bloody hell!

Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way! No, Luke, don't run downhill!

Geez, look at those two. They're goin' at each other like an Italian guy and a black woman. Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy, the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings.

All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper.

all right, I can see one of them now. (BARKING) (WHISTLING) (BARKING)

Ma'am, is this your bag? I don't know how that cocaine got in there. Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed weapon. I'm gonna have to place you under arrest. Oh, my goodness, how did that get in there? You're gonna have to come with us, ma'am. What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof. Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway. Man! This is even better than... No, wait. No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know.

Hey, go wait in the AT-AT. Now listen, since your mom's out of town and I have you for the weekend, I thought it would be fun if the Emperor and I turned you over to the dark side of the Force. Daddy, if I may, I'd like to throw out another option. I sense the good in you. Hang out with me on the lighter side of the Force.

Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!

Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!

(SOBBING) Get off me, you skank. I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy. And I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market.

I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags! This means war!

What are you doing? Calling the cat. We don't have a cat. That's a throw pillow. (CRYING) Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian? I'm buying you another Rupert.

Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!

- It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

Oh, fuck it!

Holy crap! I am freaking out!

No, no! You're missing the point! We've got to change our way of thinking. Animals are miracles of nature just like humans, but our society hasn't figured that out! Did you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs? What? Oh, no! Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like.

Oh, My God! I did.

Yes. Peter, we hear you're a Negro now.

If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill!

You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going.

You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab.

Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

as usual.

Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk. Hey. Hey, everyone! Look at me! Look, look. Look at me.

Yeah, yeah. I know, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Where are you from? Tokyo. oh, Tokyo! Yeah, it's a great town. Lot of people, though. Yup. You-You're here on business? I bet its business 'cause I had a fare earlier today that... This used to be a people business, but now, I don't know.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you? Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus.

B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!

Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.

and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year. Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs, "Part Four: Yield." MAN: Before they had the sign, people just run into each other. I don't know, maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I am completely lost.

Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson. Seems he left something very valuable in his room and we're here to retrieve it. Mr. Gibson just checked out a moment ago. Uh, There he goes now. Oh--oh, Lois, run! Hey, stop!

And look, there's Winston Churchill! Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit. Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt.

Now, Go to your room!

Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device. And when I do, Mother, victory shall be-- Peter, you had us so worried. What on earth were you trying to prove? I'm sorry. Joe is a great guy. I guess I was just tired of him being your hero.

Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

Sorry, no returns.

Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses.

(GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister. Oh, my God, Lois. I never thought I'd see you again. These are my children. Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick? Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience.

(ALL CHEERING)

I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island. Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire. Pardon me. Are you Lois Griffin, the Goldman's Pharmacy girl? Yes, I suppose I am. Karin Parotta, modeling agent.

Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Ben. Ben. Leia. Leia. Tom Selleck.

STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right, you can do this, Stewie. Here we go. Ahhh! (THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

This game's better if there's someone else here. 'Cause then they can say, "I'm not going to pick up those cards." And then I say, "You have to, it's 52 Pickup." And they say, "Well, what if I just leave them there?" And I say, "Those are my father's cards. You can't just leave them there. "He's going to be mad." Where am I?

- Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!

I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

Not at my bar, you won't. Get out of here.

We can get out of any mess If we learn to live with less And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear

No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins. No, no, no, no, no. You boom! Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom. Then I come back, be hero, virgins. Okay, yeah, see you in a few minutes, big hero.

Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today.

Is it on the machine? I erased it.

He got a hooker.

Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. (SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

sex is inevitable. Like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave. So, does anyone want dessert? Oh, I couldn't eat another bite. No. I gotta get home for the sitter. I'll have the souffle. That takes 45 minutes. That's okay.

Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places.

(GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that? What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.

With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

Our top story, beloved entertainer Bob Hope briefly came back to life today only to die in a tragic motorcycle accident. Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES)

Peter, what the hell are you doing in that? Have you been drinking? Not since I got out of the car.

Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

the sun has gone to bed and so must I so long farewell

Oh, Jeni. Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni, your H.B.O. comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. And what a sweet ass.

Huh! I'm kind of good at this. (GROANS) Later, dink!

Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

It's gonna rain!

I was in Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to Books on Tape. The Red Sox were in town. But I didn't care because it was Tuesday, and I was on my way to see Maury. He couldn't go to the bathroom by himself anymore. But his indomitable spirit...

Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary. Wow, a Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music,

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone!

(FARTS) All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over.

But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."

Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. I hurt myself changing this tire!

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me?

Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways. Your number one, dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

and her name is Bitch Duck. That kind of looks like Mom. Not finished talking, Meg.

my matricidal efforts are futile.

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. But of course. That was my victory day.

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.

- Yeah, like what? - You know, it's like you can already hear them. You know? Like what? Like exactly what jokes do you hear? Tell me one of the jokes. Brian, all I have to do is start fake sneezing around you and you'll spend the rest of your life outside. Yeah, yeah, I can hear some of the jokes. Well, I guess you just never know what kind of rage some people have bottled up. Well, we all got anger, Chris.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore.

Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house? Oh, God! You're a monster.

Awful lot of honkies in here.

Nobody gives a damn about animals.

Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No.

(SINGING PEPPY SONG)

Mine! I got it! It's my ball. Damn it, Brian! That came to me! That's my ball! (WIND BLOWING) What? Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS)

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here.

Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect. CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.

But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball. I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments...

Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this.

We haven't made love in two weeks. We haven't made love ever! (CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude.

STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard.

I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a bro-ster. Hey, Peter, you want to see my peginas? Uh... (STAMMERING) I don't know.

Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?

Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy! (FARTS)

Right, and shoot Pat Tillman.

Look at that one! Look at that one there! Look at that other one! (SCREAMING) We're gonna get pulverized out here!

I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate. What the hell does "rant" mean?

Tonight's top story, local record-shop employee, Jesus Christ, was found in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment this morning, face down and unconscious. Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars."

I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.

Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe.

Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.

(MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell?

That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault, Meg.

"A big, stupid doo-doo head!" Honestly! The things these children come up with.

You gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.

It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it! Get in. Come on, drive, drive, drive!

Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche. What's that, now? Yeah, I don't like him, either. Yeah, me neither. Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it.

Two D's and an F.

They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto Takin' short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low And never let go 'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless

- In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here.

and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you.

Anyone.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

Like hell you are!

I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms. Hey. What's going on?

Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING) I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight,

even more than Julia Roberts loves herself. Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me!

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.

Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins. Well, if you can't beat them... (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha.

go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started. You're not gonna get dinner started. She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

not like Sting where you can only understand the last three. (GARBLED SINGING) ...up a brand new day

There's semen on this floor.

Then that time you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room. Ok, move the towel. Move the towel. Oh--oh--Oh! They spotted me. Peter, I think this'll be good for you.

Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me. Save it, Patrick. We know you escaped from the asylum and killed Bill. We'll just call him "Bill" for now. Escaped? I didn't escape. Just this morning, a very nice gentleman opened my cell door and said I was free to go.

Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is. I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race. I'm sorry, everybody.

Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

- Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus.

Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists? Look at Julie, Brian. She's absolutely beautiful.

Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico? Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now.

I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't.

God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them. Get out of here. Scat! Man, they're gonna be so good at swinging bar-to-bar when they invade. Wow, Quagmire, how did you build that part so fast?

That's fine, that's fine! We'll take it! CHER: (OVER PA) Bethlehem! I have one question for you! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

(SHOWER RUNNING) Who's in the shower? Is it Donny? No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill. Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there?

Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.

I'm 18, and he keeps treating me like a kid.

Peter, Now you're just being brainless.

The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom. Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.

Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. Boner. His name was b-b-Boner.

Looks like the guys are gonna form a rock band. Maybe they'll learn a little something. Stick around, you just might learn something, too.

I'm looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son's birthday. Oh, Sure. I can do that. You do children's parties? Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe. I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.

Propane.

Says he has no idea where people are getting Christ. Quagmire, you got to help us. We pissed off a bunch of ghosts, and now our house is gone and we got no place to stay. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time. WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version?

Yeah! Water slide! Summer fun! It was the greatest day of my life, and I owe it all to alcohol. Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me.

JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman? You wanna see a picture? Look at this. This is an actual picture from the book. (MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?"

Oh, Brian, there you are. Look, I've been thinking about your situation with women, and I believe I've come up with a way to get to the source of the problem. Follow me. What's going on? Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends!

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free.

Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?

They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways.

There's my little Lois. What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING)

My client was injured listening to this audio book. We're suing you for every penny you've got. What? Why? You're liable as publisher. I'm here to seize your assets. Griffin. Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

Oh, my God! Brian, I went to a baby rave last night. Dropped a Flintstones chewable. It was a purple Betty. I was flyin'! I was up till like... Like... I don't even know how late.

Boy, that was really gay.

Were you followed? Don't worry. I've got a decoy. Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh? Well, I never! That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.

And I want to thank you

(EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Come on, Chris. It's just vodka. Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. Yeah, see? It's good. Well, ok. Maybe just one sip. Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol? Mister, you're in serious trouble.

But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf. Usually Peter would break the tie. (SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here!

heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along? Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.

Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No.

I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

Kind of a cheat sheet.

YOu. You lied to ME. Oh, my God! There's Mom! Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? Bite me! Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois dowN.

One of the worst I've ever heard. Okay. Stewie, you shouldn't actually even be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face. All right. Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition. Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man,

Oh, You guys are asseS!

They're yours! Know what a merkin is?

Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh? Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING) Here's 50 bucks. I'm taking this album. Oh, wow! Check it out, Chris!

He said it's okay if you sit at the kid's table. Peter, I cooked the damn dinner. You know, I knew you were going to react like this, and that's why I brought Bill Lumbergh to explain it to you. Yeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead and not complain about this. Oh, and if you could go ahead and sit at the kids' table, that'd be great.

You never answer your cell phone And your messages are often ambiguous Amen A reading from the book of Leviticus. "Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock,

It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Whoa, ass ahoy.

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.

And if you think you can say that just like Weenie here, you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead. MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1.

I've been looking everywhere for a face to launch my new line of diapers. And I think I found it. Well, Bob Funland may have his name on a sign, but only a Griffin has thiS.

Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours. Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie.

So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie. Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car!

You don't understand, Brian. What am I supposed to do without Jolly Farm? I'll be like an Italian mom without bad kids. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is all the commotion in here? We're not doing anything. You getting fresh with me? I'm tired of bailing both of yous out of prison. We're both in college, and we consistently make the Dean's List.

- Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

That's funny. Thank you. Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff. What's that big tarp over there? That was Chris's blankie from when he was a baby. Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him.

Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these "cheers" and "jeers" work again? Well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television, and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it. See, yeah, I'm not quite... We can't do this over the phone.

Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience. Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.

Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient? Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying.

Oh, and we do have one special today. It's an avocado pit with a little bit of avocado still on it,

I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone. Is that what you really want, Lois? Yes, it is.

I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26!

That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already.

I'm sorry. Will you all please excuse me for a moment? MAN: Tonight's winning lottery numbers are... tr, 21, 18, 7, 42.

I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.

It seems today that all you see

(BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place,

Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that.

Nobody cares.

No!

I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase. Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. Go force!

How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us. It's way easier to get into these clubs if you have chicks in your group. You ever notice that? No, I never have.

(ALARM WAILING) Uh-oh, Rupert, we've got company, and I don't think it's the Avon Lady. Strap yourself in. No matter what happens, it's been a privilege to serve under you.

Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.

Blast! Ooh! A penny! Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!

In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane Rupaul which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey.

Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo.

Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir!

I was kind of gonna roofie you.

Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air. Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me.

Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

Meg in low-riders. Enough of that. Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now.

You have Anything on that remote lower than mute?

Gonna buy me a rainbow Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow The time is right It's day, not night Just open up your heart It’ll be all right

and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.

Hey, everyone, I'm back! Hello? What the hell? (GROWLING) PETER: Hey, Brian's home! What the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing. Just working on a family project. Getting in some together time. I have a crossbow!

Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years,

all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!

I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol.

Yup.

(BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY) (SPLASHING) (CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago. - Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you. Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you... over at Glamour next Monday... but, sugar, you're gonna need these to stay on top. Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these. I don't need to. Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh?

That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it! Who else? (ALL LAUGHING) Loving... Loving family.

And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel,

You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Holy crap, you speak Ebonics? No, no, Peter, it's Japanese. Wait, are they the angry eye ones or the tired eye ones? I'm not sure I... The first one, I guess. I... I don't know.

I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go. - But, Rita... - Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you?

All right. All right. That's it. That's enough. Peter, what are you doing? Lois, if you being a model means you're going to be eye-candy... for the whole town, then I ain't going for it. Excuse me? Who do you think you are, my father? Lois, I think Meg was right. Lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise. You can't stop me from modeling, Peter. This is important to me.

Freak.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion. We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house, so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.

Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far. That's his character. That's how... I mean, he's that kind of... No! Forget it. Forget it. You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it. Let's just do something else to make money. And we will be back.

Just--Just stall them, Lois! hA! Ha! Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. Ah, Peter, it's ok. It's just Death. Oh, Thank GoD! Uh, hey, Did someone choke on a roll in here? Oh no, no, No, No. I--I spit it up. Oh.

I feel so foolish.

Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.

Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.

I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run

Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that!

(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING) (GROWLING) He doesn't like you. Sorry.

Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time. Join us same time tomorrow, if it's not entirely inconvenient for you. If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance. This has all been an imposition. I'm so dreadfully sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.

(AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me! It was the Christmas we all went to Edaville Railroad, and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" and he left that very night, and all you cared about was ice cream on the way home. And Mother said you didn't appreciate anything! BRIAN: Karina! (AS KARINA) Coming!

5 years. You douchebag.

I don't feel so good.

See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Calling them Saggy...

You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good. I love you so much.

I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks. These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions? I would check the point first before re-priming it.

No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners?

(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

You're a fucking bitch!

W-w-waiT, you can't stay herE. Why noT? You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper? Oh, It's ok, Death. You just worry about feelin' better. Lois, What the hell are you doing?

Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain!

So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait. You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school? - Well, yes. For Martin Luther King. - That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999? No, that's Martin Landau. - Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh? - That's Martin Lawrence. - The drunk crooner? - That's Dean Martin.

Hoisted by my own petard.

A little service here!

Very fair. Like our prices.

You suck! Somebody get a hook! This is worse than Seussical! No! No, wait! wait! I was about to do this thing.

What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

- You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

The world would be so much better if it were run by babies. TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.

That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair? Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?

Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are.

Let me see.

What are you doing? I'm driving. Duh. Aah! Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know.

Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Oh, That feels good.

What the deuce?

Okay, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.

(SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it? You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, they were boulders! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Cereals do change.

Here, play with this bucket of afterbirth. Heh! The Lockhorns. Always locking horns. (GASPS) Oh, my God, that's why they call it that.

Because I'm a hic-a-doo-la boy and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girl And together, it is a hic-a-doo-la world Hic-a-doo-la! Mr. Quagmire, what does "hic-a- doo-la" mean? What does "hic-a-doo-la" mean? Why It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. It's cheering real loud for the home team!

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Well, you know me. Oh, I do, Brian. I know you so well. - So, are you ready? - For what? For the fun we're gonna have, Brian. We're gonna have fun tonight. Good old-fashioned, all-American fun.

There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life up there. What a mess. I'm telling you, the Founding Fathers would be very disappointed in where their country ended up. Eh, it wasn't so perfect back then, either.

Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving?

Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses!

Have fun.

Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel,

I was walking by your house the other day, and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection.

(PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

(CROWD GASPING)

After all, we couldn't even turn a double play. All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay.

and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide! I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich,

You know, I've been doing this job a long time, and I think you've got what it takes. (CHUCKLES) You're kidding. Really? Yes. How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter? (CHUCKLING) You know, I came down here not even thinking I had a shot. And now you're telling me this? Gosh, it's an awfully big decision!

You bastard.

you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook.

That was a gift for the family. Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck!

- Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this? There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes.

She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. There was someone I had to see first. Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies,

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real. Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.

Shit.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Look, I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing. It was a one-night thing.

My God. I haven't seen everyone this miserable since that time we were tortureD. I--I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just, did I just get bit by a mosquito? Hey, Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him his grandmother was just trying to work me over?

What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high.

Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no penis! Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction?

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him. You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. She was?

Why? I'm having a good time. Well, I mean, I just don't know how much fun it is for a blind person to go to the movies. Brian, blind people go to the movies all the time. We just listen. I might be blind, but my brain has been trained to listen to any movie and know exactly what's happening on screen. Like, I loved Titanic.

Wanker! Wanker! I know, I know. Wanker! Wanker! Yes, I know. Yes. Wanker! You're a wanker! Wanker! Right, quite right. Spot on. He's got it.

I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night

It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away!

Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set. All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this. Don't worry, Peter. I'll only work out during my downtime.

I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed up. Ok, everybody. For my next miracle, I'm gonna turn water into funk.

A big fat phony! I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome! Aw, th-Then those chowderheads on the corner, they busted your stones.

Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.

That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends. You know, the way we just hang out, before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this. Well, I can't do it, but you know. Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Fish out of water!

All right. I made a touchdown. - Griffin, you're fired! - For what? We've had it with your crap. I talked to the coach, and he's selling your contract to another team. And the only one that'll take you is the worst football team in Europe, the London Silly Nannies.

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.

"Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock, "and then cram it to the bottom of the hamper "like it's been there a long time." The word of the Lord.

And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

Or laid.

I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

Peter, you're being an idiot.

Come on in. Come on in. Tell old Stew.

I am going to kick... your... aSS.

Here's to fish. Uh, Hey, could I have one of those? Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that.

You could file a suit, but that could take months,

This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life.

Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion. No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible. You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway. No, please. Don't! How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No! What? What? What the devil?

She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out. "P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me?

No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick. Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II.

(HAWKS)

And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule!

I got your first story right here. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go!

'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family. Let's not muddy things up here.

Brian... Brian! It's me, Stewie! Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it! I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" And then when you did, I was like, "I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm.

Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance. (WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?

My God, Stewie, you look terrible. Brian, I suddenly feel as if I've just been through some sort of major trauma. Uh-oh. I think I know what that major trauma was. (GASPS) My birth. Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS)

I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.

Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie, honey, where are you? Peter, I can't find him anywhere. STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Mommy? (GASPS) Stewie? Where are you? Look behind you, you stupid cow! Stewie? Oh, my God! What's happening?

it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

Everybody still awake? All right, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel? And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption.

All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone.

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

(KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Jeez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic. Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?

I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was in over my head? Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing. Okay, then apologize. - I just did. - No, you didn't. You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle. Okay, okay, there it is again.

You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Listen to you! You don't know your own kids. That's the problem. It's not them, it's you. Me? Yes, you! And you know what? You've hurt your kids worse than any black hole could. Lois, you're overreacting. This'll all blow over by tomorrow.

and Ramen Noodles,

Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.

You've had this since 1999? You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? It's a song about dogs and letting them out. I could have you arrested for breaking in here. Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine.

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

But then, Jesus, which religion should our family be? Six of one, they're all complete horseshit. BRIAN: Thank you!

I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr

Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody. (SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

Even though they killed my Lord

Illegal immigrants coming into this country, taking all the good jobs away from Americans. Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on. We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh!

these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!

Sorry, I've already got plans. What do you mean, "plans"? I'm going to the Country Club Dance with Glenn. I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire.

(SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights and I say, I want Charles in Charge Hey! Hey! Hey! Quiet down, up there! You wacky Beatle.

Boy, great party, huh, Fred? Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day, and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.

All right, I'm gonna lower you in. I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age? Hurry up! The glue's wearing off! All right! All right!

Yes, we're a hit! You were amazing!

Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!

No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man.

It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center.

Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave.

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach.

JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished!

And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car. You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like washing board! Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad.

Would you like to join the Black Market Club? 10 percent off your first purchase. No, thank you. We're not from the area. Peter, just pay the man. Do you accept bits of string? Sorry. Store policy. But you know, there is another way for you to travel.

Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say?

STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

(GASPS) - Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell?

Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years? Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that? Say what, now? You don't deserve her. She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!

Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog.

He don't get none of that! He wasn't here for it! Well, this is just great! I turn my back for a month, and this place turns into a drug den! For your information, it is also a drag queen hangout. Hey, look, our meth is on the news! Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, methamphetamine is flooding into Quahog in epidemic amounts,

What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

(SCOFFS) I'm a lawyer.

So, basically, you can eat from any tree you want, except this one. Can we sit underneath it? You know, I would just not go near it at all.

Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap. I hope my son is having a better time with your family. (SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING)

What? No, I was just... Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything. Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004. That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11. (SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?

Way to think on your feet, Brian.

You can talk!

Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place, it's illegal to disturb it. But He can't walk around with a bird in his beard. I'm sorry, You have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power!

And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it!

I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down. This is an entire bottle of NyQuil. I know, and it's doing wonders. Come here, puss. Come here. Come here, puss. Here, puss.

Oh, Stewie, how exciting. Your first visit to a real fire station. Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg?

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get $100 toward a boob job that you desperately need.

- Jesus Christ! - What?

Finally, a real clue. Let's go!

You know what we should do? We should go over there and shave it. That's a great idea! Let's do it! Let's shave the cat! Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie. MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States! (EXCLAIMS) He said it! He said it!

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend,

Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?

You don't get your mail here? No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands. Like what? Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year. You know what? No. That's it. I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg. Chris, don't you see? You have no choice.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead!

Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)

So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later... you know, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here. Peter, this is something you're still adjusting to.

All right. The machine has been repaired. Now all I've got to do is isolate the cause of the acceleration curve and see if I can duplicate the shock wave. What's the matter? I've regressed to my pre-ambulatory stage. I can no longer walk! My God, Stewie, you look terrible.

The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again If we wanna get to Aspen, we're gonna have to get over those mountains somehow. Excuse me, how much is it to rent a helicopter?

All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle. They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party.

Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

(MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled

Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

(GROANS) (SCREAMS) LOIS: Hello?

Why would she go out with me? She must be more drunk than Santa Claus when he got that DUI. (SLURRING) No, no. It wasn't my fault. Some guy in a Plymouth totally cut me off. Sir, they don't make Plymouths anymore. Are you Jewish? Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the sleigh.

I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for?

Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

What? Oh, no!

Oh, my God. Look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen? Maybe. You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin.

I have! Oh, my God, what a load of rubbish. We have this thing where we go to the worst regional theater we can find and laugh ourselves sick. And this one took the grand prize. (LAUGHING) Really? (STAMMERING) I had heard only good things.

All right, we'll go get him. But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past.

Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment.

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!

Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank.

We don't got no money for camp. We're saving up to go to Europe. Peter, we went to Europe. You didn't like it. Oh, my God, it's beautiful. My TV isn't here. Let's go home. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage.

Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back.

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

(FARTING)

Peter, didn't you hear what I said? Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds.

You watch NCIS? Yes, sir. Yes, I do. CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor.

May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife.

She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail!

I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug.

Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run. He's gonna get us. He's still got us. - He's gonna get us! - Oh, mY God! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's not budging. Come on. Let's go tO q-Bert's.

A hurricane. Oh, my God! Peter's out there. Don't worry, Lois. Peter's good at getting out of trouble. Just like Kobe Bryant. We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about?

call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!

And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man,

All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Oh, Is that what it is? Really?

MAN: Hundreds and hundreds of years old. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God. ...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah!

Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in.

(EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it. (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful.

Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River. That's right, Joyce. Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country, after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge,

I farted during the murmuring.

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady.

Hey, That's mine. Come on. Come on, give that back! Come on! Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a good long time. Them boys rassled for a full 5 minutes before the manager stepped in. Come on! Hands off, fatty! Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer.

Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open!

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows.

looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh? - Yeah, I could get in on that. - All right! Here it comes!

Well, what are we gonna do? We got to figure out what happened at this point in time. And I'll tell you another thing that worries me. You ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present? Well, who knows what else we changed.

What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog. Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed.

So, now our number one concern is that predators are watching our body heat. Peter, that's just a movie. That's not real. PETER: No, I think we need to cover ourselves in mud to avoid being seen. QUAGMIRE: Peter, Joe's right. That's only a movie. JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted! QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter.

Hey, There's a lot of good looking people here. Of course. This is the quahog Beautiful People's Club. And, You're our newest member. Here's your introductory basket. It's got some scented lotions, Ferrari sunglasses, and of course, some pills to make your bowel movements smell like bakery-fresh cinnamon rolls.

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away,

Holy crap. They got a ringer. What the hell? Jerome's on your team? That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store. What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.

Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum.

Oh, My God! oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song.

Oh, I see what you're driving at.

I say, we're on quite a run. We blew up the Great Wall of China, bombed the Eiffel Tower, and look at this note I sent off. "Dear Pakistan, up yours. Love, India." Let's see what happens. (COMPUTER BEEPING) They did not need much.

- Okay? - Jesus.

Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art, and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby,

Ahhh! Damn it!

I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here. Absolutely. The children get to play our games. And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize. I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live. They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors,

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear.

Then you open up the septic tank and bam! Skeleton city!

Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat.

(IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard.

She's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan. (ROARING) I... I don't know Shakespeare very well.

I'm married to Brian. Oh, that's right. How inappropriate of me. Well, I guess, I should be going. - Lois, Lois, do you-- do you have a magnet in your head? - What? You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off.

Down by the shores of the hanky-panky Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky (SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate.

Well, let's check. 9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context.

$500, $700, $10,000? How about $12? Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish!

Ah, This is sweet!

They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie!

I own a cinder block yard. Have over 12,000 cinder blocks. If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price. Thank you. I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.

Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny. Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited. Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed? Oh, I do hope so. I've always imagined the most beautiful... (GRUNTING) Damn it!

DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap. Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight? Gee, I don't know. I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex.

She was suicidal. She was?

It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death. Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum.

I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done?

And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons? MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy.

That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island. Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know.

If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.

- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone.

Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!

That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God.

Wow. Those are the Russian people? I mean, granted, you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the Russian people, but they're all bears on unicycles? Bears on unicycles, every one.

Well, dig in, everyone! Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow!

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way!

What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow

I'll start out easy. Little more complex.

I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief.

- I think your father is dying. - What? Ha! Brian, what are you talking about? Well, yesterday at the hospital, I heard a doctor tell him he has cancer, and that he has two weeks to live. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Daddy! Yeah, I feel really horrible for you, and I hate to do this,

A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!

But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. You bastards!

I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

Starring Adam Sandler and...

Give me that.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt." Come on, Brian. I gotta get to softball practice. Practice? I thought we'd go next door and welcome our new neighbors. No. I don't want anything to do with neighbors.

Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in.

Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie. MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States! (EXCLAIMS) He said it! He said it! MAN 2: All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets? (EXCLAIMS) There it is! There it is!

No, he's at work. Lame. Oh. Well, what do you want? I hear you're kind of a cool guy. Thought maybe we could hang out. Uh, okay. Okay! Carter and Quandary, hanging out. All right, I just got to go take a misty, stop-and-go piss in your bathroom, then we'll be good to go.

Son of a bitch! Damn it, Peter.

Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts.

These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you? Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

And then when we get out of here, we'll spread it around as much as we can. That sounds like fun! Actually, that does sound like fun. What'd you have in mind? Uh... Okay, okay, how about this? Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower.

All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

So I guess you think you would have been some kind of big shot by my age, huh? Done things differently? Gotten that promotion? I don't even know what you do. Well, let me tell you something! You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING)

Canada is in the world final against Mexico. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (CROWD CHEERING) (LA CUCARACHA PLAYING)

Huh? What about incest, Peter? What's incest?

You won't get away with this, Woods. You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog. What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell?

It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny. Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.

May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card?

Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think. Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track? OH... Let's not do this. Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE!

(LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland. (LAUGHING) (GROANS)

Hey, is this beach topless? No, but my margarita's bottomless. Mexico! Mexico! I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero all the time when I get back home. Me, too. Mexico! Mexico! That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God. I'm going to go take a dump now, so I don't have to later.

Wow, my favorite. PB and J with the crusts cut off. - What did you get? - Your crusts. That's it? No. I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.

(COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING) Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes. You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was...

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v.

Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest.

Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly

- Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know. - Cuban Missile Crisis! - No idea. Trail of Tears! Never heard of it. - Death of Charlemagne! - What is that? Treaty of Augsburg! I got nothing. Cortes reaches South America! Pumping a dry well. - Teapot Dome Scandal! - Sounds fake. September 11th, 2001! Also sounds fake. - The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.

This food is so fucking good, Lois.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

BOBBY! Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok.

Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.

Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America.

The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Holy crap!

It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that.

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Lois! Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end. I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer. Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway.

Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you?

Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

All right, that about does it.

Oh, oh, oh For the longest time Oh, oh, oh For the longest If you say goodbye to me tonight (SCATTING)

Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs. Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh?

Come on. Give the kid a break, huh?

it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me?

- Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

That's when he went back in time Oh, my God, Stewie, we have to get him back. When did the machine send him? I don't know. How can you not know? It's a time machine. Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year or something? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! Ahh!

Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together.

We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye. Shall we?

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry.

Luke!

Will you call tomorrow and make some excuse that doesn't make me look bad? Ooh, I know. Tell him I'm a pathological liar and that I've been under a lot of stress because of the child rape charges I'm facing.

Looks an awful lot like the Governor's mansion from Benson. It is. I'm fond of the series, and I wanted the local birds to be aware of that. Well, I'll be on the lookout for Great Tits. Peter! Well, actually, Lois, that's a species of bird that's known to frequent domestic birdhouses. It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse. Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some Great Tits. 'Cause there certainly ain't any in here!

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

"I rushed to freedom, but suddenly I was ambushed "by a mysterious man in white!" The man in white. Of course.

(ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.

My name is Chris. I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?

Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear.

Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers. Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well. Build a bar! That's a great idea.

Hmm. We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!

Yes! Peter "Sweet Cheeks" Griffin, you have been given the power from God. - Ho-ho! Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin.

I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one, but as I recall, you were more interested in partying with your friends. Then Glenn came along and stole my heart. When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever.

Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

Lois, I know how to settle our vasectomy dispute. A no-rules funny car race from here to Boston. Last one to Fenway gets snipped. Peter, what the hell? Where did these things come from? They were Loretta's. Please take them, they are no longer funny to me.

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods. That's a great idea, Brian. If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family. No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you.

Jesus Christ.

Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E If you've been so stiff they thought you died

Brian, what the hell did you do? I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, wait, when did you even do that? Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President.

They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out.

He humps a guy like me Right!

Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you!

No!

"ah! "Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. "We had some real characters in my neighborhood, "like Frank the Mailman. "'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' Huh. "And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. "'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' "'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball.

Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

(ALL SCREAM) What the hell? (CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television. Now it's just a big, old, silly mess.

Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed. Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.

(SCREAMING) (GASPS) Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it! (SOBBING)

So, what do you wanna watch? Well, if you turn on Channel 14, we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

Are you happy? I've never been happy. Oh, Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?

You've got a lot to see The P.C. age has moved the bar A word like "redneck" is a step too far The proper term is "country-music star" You've got a lot to see Our flashy cell phones make people mumble

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

When do I start? Oh, he's coming! Oh, it hurts so bad! God, I hate working on Christmas. Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle!

Ew! Ew! Ew!

You know what, screw you guys. I don't even know you. Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings. I love Wings.

Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.

I hate this station. They always make promises they can't deliver. DJ ON RADIO: Playing the greatest rock-and-roll hits of all time! (WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING) See? Chris, turn that off. We have a lot of work to do before we go inside. (RADIO SWITCHING OFF) All right. If I'm gonna be seen with you, we have to do something about that look. Now, take that hat off.

Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

The Devil and Daniel Webster? Nope. Party oF 5? Was that a porno? Hey--hey, Don't worry about it. Sometimes You gotta do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent. Oh, The food here is fantastic. This is where I took Lois on our first date. You ordered a pie for an appetizer? Oh, yeah, Don't worry. I'll go to the john and fire 1 out in about 5 minutes.

(ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

Who wants chowder? What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out.

Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are. As someday it may happen That a victim must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list Of society offenders Who might well be underground

You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh!

You guys remember Jeff?

once and for all. This isn't gonna work, you guys. Why can't you understand I'm doing what I want? Jeez, Carter, what are we doing? I mean, if Lois wants to be a model... we don't got any right to stop her. You really mean that, Peter? Of course, I do. I just want you to be happy.

Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along? Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

Hey, fat ass, give me your wallet! I could give you my wallet, but what I think you really want is love. (VOICE QUIVERING) It's true! I'm taking your shoes.

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh!

Oh, then Halle Berry.

(SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

but who after you told her of your intentions, said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard of all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures. And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs.

It's just Cheerios and coloring books. What? Where the hell is the money? Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you've got some milk and a bowl, we can give you a pretty healthy way to start your day. All right, enough of this.

I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party. I just smoked the wrong side ofa cigarette! Who wants to go swimming? This song is about me! Look, Brian, Peter is a jerk. And as far as I'm concerned, it's either him or me.

That was strangely arousing.

A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep."

oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

How about the first three women willing to come down and have sex with Hank get free boob jobs courtesy of Dr. John Viener? Are you reading my mind, man? Let's go to the phones.

My God, this is more uncomfortable than the goodbye in The Wizard of Oz. Goodbye, Tin Man. Goodbye, Dorothy. Goodbye, Lion. Goodbye, Dorothy. I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say. Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah.

perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig.

Our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Maharjarifa... Something September 11th-y. All right, Omar, your word is "candy."

The Bible also says a senior citizen built an ark and rounded up two of every animal. Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What? Did you name it? Uh, yeah, he's Paul.

Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears....

Meg, who let you back in the house?

I say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts, and lifting our huge triangular iron weights! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup!

He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.

A duet. Really? Well, let's see it.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man?

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you!

Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you!

Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Well, I loved this book. Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The clitoris-- Nature's rubik'S cUbE."

I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake. High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame.

What the hell? Where are we? Oh, my God, this is... This is Newport Country Club. I used to be a towel boy here. That's right, Peter. You're 18 years old again. At least, that's how everyone will see you. Hey, Peter, slap me five. Slap me ten.

That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident.

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do?

It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

(PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

Grab some wood there, bub. Daddy and his friends have been drinking, and we're gonna keep on drinking until we each uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse by a trusted religious official. Oh, that's crazy talk. Oh, my God! Minister Washington, how could you?

(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

Hey, Lois. I'm home from the Clam. You know what that means. STEWIE: You spent the last 10 minutes parked in front of the house, crying in your car? Not now, Peter. I'm doing story time with Stewie. STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING) I can almost hear the stillness As it yields to the sound of your heart beating

Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum? No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.

Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh...

Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked!

the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything. So all of a sudden, we get these orders. And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet. I remember the sky was a majestic orange. (PHONE VIBRATING) The breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but, you know, not so warm that you'd break any kind of a sweat. Because let me tell you, it just ruins... Big gay phoque. Big gay phoque, yeah.

But I'm calling with big news. I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs. I did okay. ...America

Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

(SOBBING) Oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning.

a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs.

I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS)

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing? Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind.

What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!

I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

WEll, fraSier, You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa.

Oh, Chris, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here, safe and sound. Me, too, Mom.

If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop? Use the rubber stoppers on the front.

I'm going to the Country Club Dance with Glenn. I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them.

Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened... I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way.

then stick my needle in your shoulder fat while you sleep. I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid. Well, wait a minute, Peter. Maybe that's the answer. You just got to get his mother to take him back. How the hell am I supposed to do that? She's an idiot redneck, Peter. Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz.

(STORMTROOPER SCREAMS)

It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian. ALL: Hello, Peter and Brian. Hi there. Hi, uniform mentality. I'm an individual. Come on, Brian. They're forcing us to do this, so let's try and make the best of it. Can't be that bad. All right, who'd like to kick us off?

Those fucking things live forever. Maybe you boys will get it together someday,

I mean, that's not how he said it, but... You know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um... I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know?

Brian! 5.3 seconds. I could have been dead by now! what, you mean--You mean, you're not really-- I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents! Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup! That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do!

Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

It's about my dad. He wants to have a sex-change operation. Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay. No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body. Yeah, gay. It's totally different! Sounds the same. Well, it's not! Okay, so he wants to be a woman, so he can be a lesbian? No, he'd date men. Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay.

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

You see, women are a lot like Saturday Night Live sketches. Lots of them are awful, some are decent, and a few are pretty good. But then there's that one... That one woman who's as amazingly perfect as "Massive Head Wound Harry." For me, that woman is Cheryl Tiegs. You'd never fall for these tricks.

They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Here it comes!

Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka. (MEN CHATTERING) I once knew a guy who was so Arab... How Arab was he? He was so Arab that everybody liked him,

Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Dr. Hartman, please tell me, is my husband gonna be all right? Cancun, actually, thanks for asking. Just got back. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure. (GASPS) (ALL GASPING) How was Cancun?

It'll have me laughing till I got snots falling out of my nose.

- Hello? - Hey, Brady! What kind of suit do you want to be buried in?

Uncle Sam sent me $500. I got $600! I got $850! I got a rock.

Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go!

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

(GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel.

Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about?

(MEN LAUGHING) Okay. Okay, guys. here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing. I find her insufferable. French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright. Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is.

But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom? (MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)

Look at him. Watching, learning, absorbing. This janitor's in love with this redheaded ashtray. MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe...

We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one! Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals.

come back and have big hero party with many virgins.

W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs! That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny.

I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live.

Some say love It is a razor That leaves Your soul to bleed (ALL SINGING) - When the night - When the night

And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING) No, no, no, no! The altos were early. This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow! Relax. The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back.

You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

BETTY: Welcome to Peterotica on tape. I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish, by Peter Griffin. "Chapter One. "Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick. "She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish."

(PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.

Surprise!

"Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. "I don't buy your product with broken quarters, "don't stick me with broken pieces of cracker, you miserable dickheads! "Regards, Mort Goldman again."

You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now! (DOORBELL RINGS)

Hai!

Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle. And it's weather-treated with a mixture of whale skin oil and children's tears. (DOORBELL RINGING) Yes?

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it.

Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies, a newly transformed tomboy supersedes your long-standing hotness. (GRUNTS) And all I ever knew Only you

Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny.

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING)

This kind of rocks my world, even more than the time I went to that pediatrician. Whoa, Stewie. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy.

and her name is Bitch Duck. That kind of looks like Mom. Not finished talking, Meg. Okay, and this is Poopy Face Tomato Nose. You can see I gave him a funny little suitcase. Now, see, the joke is most people only carry a suitcase when they're going on vacation, but Poopy Face Tomato Nose carries one all the time. And see? He's got a sleeve hanging out. He didn't pack it right.

Are you trying to seduce me-- Mr. Tucker? I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look greaT. Uh-oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan!

(CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring. Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW

Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you?

What, you think everyone just forgot about that? There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports. Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you. Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison.

Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!

Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh!

Jesus Christ has returned to Earth! I can't believe it! The second coming! Will you keep it down? It's not the second coming. Okay, so what are you doing here? Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so, kind of incognito, just to get away from the family. Plus the timing seemed good 'cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge.

I'm from quahog Insurance, and I have a check for him. $5 million? Yeah. lucky fella took out a huge policy the day before the fire. Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious? No, not really. In fact, it seems to happen all the time.

(BARKING)

I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until... Gosh, I... You know, I think I'd better, uh,

That love is only That love is only For the lucky For the lucky - And the strong - And the strong Just remember In the winter

(SCREAMING) My legs!

Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor King Arthur Griffin. Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone... and prove to me you truly are the sole king of Camelot... I will make love to you right here in the clearing. What ifl can just move it an inch, will you touch me?

I'm naked!

Ah, Hey there. Uh, Hi, Peter. Listen, Joe, about this whole mess-- Hold it, Peter! That's the car-wash thief!

And the smarty on Thanksgiving Who says it's the tryptophane He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the blonde who tells you loudly With a voice just like a knife "You know, someone should do a sitcom Based around my life"

"Hey, let's go see Chronicles of Riddick." Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Peter one, Jesus zero. You know, Jesus, if I go get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just want to stick this up her ass. All right, I'll be the one to say it.

and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this?

No, he didn't! Christ, could he be any more annoying? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, hey, it's Tom! Tommy! Hey, hey, I hear you took that black chick home. Hey, hey, you're welcome.

Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose!

Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane?

This set of wheels is even better than those talking cars on that commercial. Hey, how you doing there? Listen, uh, I couldn't help but notice you across the parking lot and, uh... You know, you're-- you're very attractive and, uh... You want to go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex?

Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch! (SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you.

Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot!

This is your co-worker, Opie. He is a burden of the state, deemed unfit for mainstream society. He is your superior. What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it.

(GROANS) Strong women always turn out to be nightmares. Like Joan of Arc. Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn.

And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide.

That's smart of you, Meg. You know, sometimes I do part-time jobs for extra cash. (VIOLIN SCREECHING) Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money.

And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING)

Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

Are you kidding? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you. I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will.

I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING)

Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out. - Hello, Peter. - Argh! (STUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you doing out here in all this snow? Just taking my rabbit to the vet.

I found something that can.

The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center.

Yeah, except for having to sit next to that screaming autistic lady in the waiting room.

It's all my fault! (WAILING) (LAUGHING)

We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me! He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. Most of them are fine. Look, Stewie, I'm sorry for scaring you, all right?

My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.

Why is there a pen cap and no pen? You're the first person to recognize me in 2,000 years. Well, you seem like a nice guy. Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone. MAN: (ON PHONE) Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique.

Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway. No, please. Don't! How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No! What? What? What the devil?

Mort Goldman! He's so clever! Show them, Morty!

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(GRUNTING) Damn it!

All right, we'll get on that.

(SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you. You obviously have no respect for either of us. Yeah, you're acting all mean. Now I'm glad you made me face away during sex. Brian, you've been using me. You're right, Cheryl, he's just a user.

None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub. Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock. And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.

Fuck.

No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

you know, Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary. Oh--oh, You don't believe me? Here. Look it up! What? What's that? It really isn't? Oh, Rupert, touche! Hoisted by my own petard. I am so alone.

and follow me there because you've still got a hell of a lot to see You've got a lot to seE

Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? Of course.

hey! What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy? Pop, why you gotta be like that? We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines. That's my boy. At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.

Like that one we put on Hollywood Squares. I'll take the dying boy to block. Ok, Jeremy, is there anything lower than absolute zero? Uh, Yeah. My white-cell count.

My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what'd come out?

QUAGMIRE: No!

Well, what do you think? What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now? You got any strawberry milk in there? No, but she'll make 0.5 past light speed. If you want, I'll show you around, since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING)

ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful. you know, this looks awfully familiar.

Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.

Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all.

Jeez! I can't believe I'm your type. As you can tell from my husband, I've got a thing for saggy, shapeless men. I'm married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Will you sleep with me? Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass. But Louie Anderson's eating the soap in the bathroom. Why don't you try him? Excuse me. Aren't you Peter, the human stunt bag?

Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.

Moderation, Lois.

I didn't get raped. Okay?

(SCREAMS) This armor's useless! Why do we even wear it?

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic. Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one. Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people?

(GIGGLING) Get out of here, Quagmire! I just put on clean pants! (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Who's texting me? (LAUGHING) Damn it! (QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING) Stop it, you guys! You're ruining all my clothes!

Some say love It is a river That drowns The tender reed Some say love

Wow, he really did it. I always knew Mayor West was a little crazy, but I never thought he was capable of something like this. The mayor's going to jail. That means anything goes. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I pushed a lady. God, I can already hear the jokes Jay Leno is gonna be telling about our mayor.

Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle. (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...triple-dog-dare.

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

Carter, hand me my thinking grenades. Where did you get these? (SHUSHING) Carter, I'm thinking. - (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening?

No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran. I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week.

No, Luke, don't run downhill! You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him!

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force. What? The dark side. Turn to the... (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) To the... Long day. I will not fight you, Father. Then you will meet your destiny. Oh, my God! Are you okay?

(DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)

WOMAN: Dingo and the Baby. 97.1, Quahog. MAN: Oh, baby. (MAN BURPS) (FART) What the hell are you doing? What the hell does that have to do with anything? They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o.

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

(GASPING) So, anyway, I says, "Forget the dental plan, forget sick leave. "I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here." Yeah, I know, I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So, what did they say? Get this, they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day. They said that? (SCOFFS) Yeah.

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie.

Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words. This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas.

That's fantastic! They still got that new leg smell.

See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep! This doesn't involve you, LOIS! I don't want to have to come in there. I don't want to have to come in there!

but this is serious. You're a fraud. I am not. I'll tell you who's a fraud. Mr. Spock. Mr. Sulu, set a course for... One moment, Captain. They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery. FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72.

I know you just can't wait to stare at all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra-boomin', all-consumin' Poorly groomin' Down's Syndrome girl

and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds.

I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma. Right, no, no... Uh. I was talking about a different movie. Let's play ball! Yeah, let's play ball. PETER: Ow! The world has changed around me and I'm mad and scared!

Name something you'd like to receive as a gift. Groceries! Assorted lotions! An Uzi! A dead squirrel! Money! All right, good answer, good answer! - Very good! Good answer! - Bingo! Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go, so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Oh, my. Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it! Who else? (ALL LAUGHING)

Lois, what the hell's up with you lately? You're acting all weird, and you're staying out all night. I was just out with some of the girls, and you're not gonna believe this. I got invited to a Vogue magazine party. That guest list is more exclusive than the Garden of Eden. So, basically, you can eat from any tree you want, except this one. Can we sit underneath it?

- Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!

(PETER GIGGLING)

(LEAVES RUSTLING) Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! I told you all this yesterday!

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. But, of course. That was my victory day.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Ahh!

I can't believe we have to live here. No, This sucks! Ugh, Tell me about it. I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage-fest. Come on, kids, we've been through worse. Meg, you--you remember when you found out your gynecologist never finished med school? All right, Meg, let's take a look at that bergina.

Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket.

This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor.

That was great fun. I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball. I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow. Dad! Wait! You forgot me again! You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough.

Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? (ALL GASP) Oh, about the... (STUTTERING) The... The pie! The pie we're all gonna make for you for being such a great guy. Oh, my God, that sounds awesome. I would kill everyone in the world and leave three survivors for a piece of pie right now. (ALL CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)

I mean, i-I'm just trying to understand the rules Here.

After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience. All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now. What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why. Really? You don't know why?

There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?

So then I'm reading the funnies, and right before I get to the last panel, Billy blurts out, he goes, "You know, those firemen showed up to get a cat out of the tree, "but it turns out it's really Marmaduke up there." It ruined the whole damn thing! Peter, in Billy's defense, the strip is called Marmaduke, and Marmaduke had not yet made an appearance.

You kids are gonna love this. England has such a rich heritage of great theater. (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum? Treaches on the upper with the trang sang. Croppers to you, you crang sang Iubber. She rogered the boogley!

You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and... It seems to work out for them. So... Hintedy-hint-hint. Boy, this is gonna be long.

(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

but if Peter did kill Lois, we might find some clues in his garbage. Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died. Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?

The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing. Signed, Peter Griffin, dictated but not read.

Don't dawdle, Jonas. Play your exercises.

Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!

The best that he can Also, he's a ninja What the hell's wrong with you? I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down. This is an entire bottle of NyQuil.

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard?

Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall! I'm on it, Meg. Have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the... Then top it off with A...

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you.

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

Hello, Alaska! Adam! Carol?

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife. While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it.

Ahh!

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What? Did you name it? Uh, yeah, he's Paul. Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard.

All right, we're gonna do it once more. (ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you

I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

The town of Vegas has got a different face

Blasphemy!

- Get out! Get the hell out! - Screw you, Gary! Yeah, if you did that more often, maybe I wouldn't need these paintings! What the hell you looking at?

and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld! Hi, there, can I help you folks?

Hey, Peter, have you seen my... Ah! Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me. Because I will get scared.

Wow! Look at all this cool stuff! Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!

We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school?

Smoke!

My God. Chris, you're right.

you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going. You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life,

To Ireland.

Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again!

Look, I may as well come clean with you. Rupert wasn't kidnapped. I accidentally sold him at the yard sale. You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident.

Nice hanging with you, Jeff.

Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No!

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my!

So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Order now and receive Sounds of the 80's Studio Audience, which includes "Trouble Brewing" AUDIENCE: Ooh! MAYOR: as well as "Sweet Moment" AUDIENCE: Aw! MAYOR: and, of course, "Ethnic Kiss." (AUDIENCE CHEERING) This is an offer you don't want to miss. But don't take my word for it.

Hey, bozos, what do you think of this?

Yeah, what the hell? You should be out there arresting the real criminals. Like switchblade-wielding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk. Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez.

Oh, this must be your lovely wife. (CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.

Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio. Sir, I'm very sorry. That was this guy I know. He thinks he's hilarious. He is hilarious. I was on my way in here to cancel your show,

Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes.

Are you gay, Dad?

Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that!

And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it!

Hitler! Hitler!

Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month. We'll be his period. I was just upstairs and there's a half-dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy. Uh-huh. So I guess we're just looking the other way, huh?

Shit. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you.

(FLASH GORDON THEME PLAYING)

Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound.

PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?

on which we used to rely

Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING)

You kids were doing it in the ear!

This place is like a ghost town half the time.

There you go, All fixed. Ha! Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake. Oh. Well, Did you save it? Uh, No. You bastarD.

With Bea Arthur as Peter Griffin. You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now? No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself. You're a fool, Joe! A fool! Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story.

Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me?

Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean...

I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting. Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

Ah, Let's see. Latitude 42, longitude 71. This is it. What the hell? Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face!

All right, try it again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified. Aah! I don't want to play the piano! Indeed. Would you rather play the bassoon? aah! No experience? No, thanks.

Peter, think about what you're doing.

(IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...

Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

Ah, ha! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet. Well, Fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!

Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food. Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. What? Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party. Hey, Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here! How you doing, honeY?

we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane?

Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.

We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society! Ok, let's go.

Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris? Okay, Mom. (PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs!

Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman. You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried.

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

Stewart, darling. Hello. What? That's how they do it in Europe. Now, get out of here! Go sit in the car and agree with yourself while you listen to NPR.

Hey, I've gotten people to believe crazier things. And if you are pure of heart and deed you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven. I'm yanking you. You just rot in the ground.

It's like she's fucking five.

(MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing.

" wish I had no bones! Done.

I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian.

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

What's that, like an iPad?

$53.98.

Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me. You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that.

I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy.

I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone. Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you. Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive, every one of you! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way.

Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire!

(RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later. (FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)

MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!

Hey! How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Oh, Screw it. I tried.

then I am gonna run like the 6 Million Dollar MAN. We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money.

No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer.

Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC. (SHUSHING) Lois, Lois, let's watch The Brady Bunch. Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen?

That was Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson. One of the worst I've ever heard. Okay. Stewie, you shouldn't actually even be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face. All right. Honey, I like you,

(GASPS) Oh, my God, it's you! James Woods. Hello, Peter. I've been expecting you.

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now! Somebody help him! Do something! Now she's nagging everyone. Does anyone have any medical training? It looks like his jugular is severed. I learned this at the hospital. Mr. Swanson, find me a first aid kit! Mom, hand me those towels. Did I hold on to the ball?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3?

Good as new. Oh, come on!

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA? I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

(EXCLAIMING)

But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead!

(GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!

After that. "I feel so foolish."

What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it.

Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us!

"She Packed my bags "last night, pre-flight "zero hour "9:00 a.M. "And i'm gonna be high

Well, it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record. If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket.

Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent! Sweet. Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Rita, this is Lois. Lois, Rita. So great to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie. Well, you met her. What do you think? (SNICKERING) What? What do I think? She's 100!

and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling.

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up?

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him. Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse. You make your doo-doos, Joe? Shut up. You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh.

Just let me get my purse and we can go. Wow, she seems great! We're getting along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!

I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

(PRAYING IN HEBREW) Can't we just eat? And now I shall continue the prayer.

(ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe.

(SHOUTING) What?

CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.

I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.

Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show. Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here. So, Jesus, what've you been doing since you've been back? Oh, you know, just kind of bumming around, playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating a lot of Pinkberry. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family.

Here you go. Meet your new friends. Uh, Hi, I'm Lois. I'm Fisty, that's Stabby, and that's Balls. Pull up a chair, we're playing cards. Oh. Ok. So, are those biblical names? Yeah, Fisty is.

Hey, there, son, mind if I have a seat? Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.

I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh-oh. You want to get some breakfast or something?

Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement. Everyone, Ricardo and I are getting married!

And that's why they were such vicious killers. He couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short They feared him from Kilpatrick down to Galway Bay Port Luckily he found a wife so he could have sex The non-masturbatin' Tyrannosaurus rex Okay, look, tempers are starting to get a little heated,

And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg."

Brian, I think my jaw is falling off. (EXCLAIMING) Stewie, what is happening to this thing?

After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God!

First place goes to Spooner Street. We won! All right!

You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. If only there was some way I could be like everybody else again.

(GRUNTS) Oh, no. Oh, no. Hey! Hey! Help! Help! Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you.

In fact, he'd kill me if he knew. Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "Years Traveled"? What thing? Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Come have sex with me.

If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms. You are all expected for dinner at 8:00. STEPHANIE: Oh, good! I'm starved! QUAGMIRE: Settle down, will ya?

Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris

i say! It's 4:00. Away with you! Stewie! Change it back! Forget it. Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pabulum for children with not enough to do. Hey! Shut up!

Man, who invited Anne Frank?

Come on, boy, get the scent.

Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman. Peter, you are not putting those birds in the car! Well, then I guess we're not going on vacation. (YAWNS) Good. Then I'm going back to bed. All right, Peter, you can bring the stupid birds. (CHEERING) You're letting me be myself!

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.

Maybe we should go now. Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look!

We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.

No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!

Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

Name six more.

You're disgusting. Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection, which is totally unexpected. And by the way, I actually think she's doing a pretty good job. She's teaching you guys independence. We're one! Independence means we die!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.

Deliver me from my greatest enemy. His name is Peter. More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.

Hey, bump, bump, no bump, bump, three vertical bumps, four bumps and a square. (LAUGHING) Yeah, I've heard they all look alike.

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture. And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing. Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie.

What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole.

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.

Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck. Cashscam is your way to make real money.

when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend. You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m. Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING)

For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family!

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster.

- What in the world was that for? - Oh, it's a guy. That's for ruining our son. He used to be a sweet boy until he heard your music. (LAUGHING) This old story. If I had a nickel. All right. Where's your son? I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We're gonna be living together? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In the same dorm? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) For the whole year? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick? Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it?

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get--

We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world. Greetings, loyal minions. (GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument.

Coming here was a huge mistake, Lois. Peter, I know you're humiliated, but getting drunk is not the answer. Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay? Guilty

That was strangely arousing. Ow!

(SCREAMING) Damn it! Quilters! Advance! (ALL SHOUT) (JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much!

Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"? Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake.

Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us. - It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!

I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!

And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy.

No, no, I am. I swear to God. All right, fine. If you're really gay and you want that divorce, all you got to do is one thing. Anything, Charmese. Name it. Prove it. Let me watch you have sex with a man. (STAMMERS) What? You heard me. I want to see you get it on with a guy.

Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad? Kids, why don't you go upstairs, so your father and I can talk. Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here.

Second of all,

I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

aah!

(MURIEL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel!

(WOMEN CHUCKLING) (I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING)

Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine. Are you sure, honey? For God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without T.V.? Give me a break. Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!

Everybody gets one. Sweetie? You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it? Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos.

Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts!

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family!

My God! That doesn't look good. God. That elf getting killed gave them all erections.

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here!

Yes. And you'll never catch me! aah!

I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants! You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it. Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris. Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to.

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy I have no friends, and it's all because of this stupid purse!

That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me!

Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel? Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed. That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office.

There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit!

Damn!

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it?

She danced close to me like I hoped she would She danced with me like I hoped she would Somethin' tells me I'm into something good Somethin' tells me I'm into something good You know, Dad, it's been really great hanging out with you.

There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator!

Somebody turn the machine off. Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. All right, you did good. Going to take her to Walt's Roast Beef. All right, kids, we got 200,000 lottery tickets we got to check. All right, how do you want to do this? A static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over-explains what we're doing?

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah

Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where...

Oh, That was lame.

I'll start packing. I'll start packing. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, wow! Diane Simmons! You don't look anything like the ad. You better be huge. No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents The King and I," a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story. Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star?

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!

We'll have a happy new life, and we'll have equal rights for all. Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims... Um... Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white. So no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full-blooded whites.

All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by. Red Buttons standing by. Redd Foxx standing by. Big Red standing by. SEAN CONNERY: Red October standing by. Helen Reddy standing by. Simply Red standing by.

Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know...

Oh, splendid, just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple. Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again. Shall I put you down for two, Brendan? Brian. Ryan. - Brian. - Mitchell. What? Goodbye.

Well? What do you see? Oh, Jem, you are truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. I see a grown man enjoying cartoons.

I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

You know, I wasn't going to say this, but Mother hates you! (AS STEWIE) That's not true! You take that back! (AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me! It was the Christmas we all went to Edaville Railroad, and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" and he left that very night,

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! I know that sound! It means there's a potential intruder at the front door or one of my pals! Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello! Hello. My name is Blake Carrington.

You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and... It seems to work out for them. So... Hintedy-hint-hint.

I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink. You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him!

Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later. What the fuck?

CHOIR: There was a man He dropped out Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.

It's almost midnight. We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.

My favorite part before the Queen arrives is yelling "Wanker!" at Prince Charles as he passes. Wanker! Wanker! I know, I know. Wanker! Wanker! Yes, I know. Yes. Wanker! You're a wanker! Wanker! Right, quite right. Spot on. He's got it.

That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car. New York Theater League? Why? Because they're throwing a welcome dinner in my honor. Really? Well, I guess I could clear my schedule. Oh, you won't regret it, Brian. All the most important Broadway people will be there. Playwrights, money men, even Stanley Kowalski.

Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

Terrible, sir. Good, good.

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day.

I won a Pulitzer.

And look, somebody mowed the lawn. I was supposed to do that. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard.

Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

Dad! It's ok, Meg. I understand what's going on here. I'm gonna go. oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way.

Hello, Griffin. Hello, Angela. You know, Angela, I've been thinking about it, and I want to have sex with you now. Really? Giggity. Yeah, but I want to just do it through my zipper, all right? I don't want to have to take off all my clothes, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body.

Hey, New Brian. Bad news. You gotta leave. Huh? What are you talking about? This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping.

Nothing. Bitch. So, have you seen Ghostbusters? Save your breath, geekwad. I'm here with my boyfriend. You mean that quintessentially '80s guy with his collar turned up all the way? Are you hitting on my girlfriend? No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere.

Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear? Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold. The pond froze over a family of raccoons. All right, well, merry Christmas. Are you there, dear? Dad, can we hear more of that story about the baby Jesus?

Right, turn it that way from your end. Okay. No, no, no. Just put it down, just drop it. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right, all right. All right, let's... Just hang on and figure this out. Han, there are Stormtroopers all over the place. Shouldn't we be getting out of here? All right, okay, all right, I got it, I know...

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in.

Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

(MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry! All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face. Please! I've had it up to here with Ewoks. Now, stab him and wear his face!

What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man.

(IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef.

Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. I call the white meat. I call the dark meat. I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No! They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson. He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover. Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying that he's dead,

There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window.

Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

He's a family guy

Swing and a mISS.

He's a family guy MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace?

Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy. Laura Bush killed a guy.

It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

(DOORBELL RINGING) Uh-oh. The police. Looks like I got some explaining to do. No, but how could I help you, Officer? We're looking for this baby. Have you seen him? I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop. Have you seen him? No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.

WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you.

Sorry, Lois. Regulations. I can't give you any special treatment. It's ok, Joe, I understand. Shut up, maggot!

MADAME CLAUDE: With Griffin Peterson exiled to the New World and Lady Redbush believing he was dead, King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand.

Hi, I'm on a scavenger hunt. And I need a human foot. Well, as a rule, I would say no, but ok, come in. So, uh, So, this is what? This for like a school project or some-- Raul, please take this handsome gentleman's bags to his car. Thank you.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

(DISTORTED) Miley smash!

Crap!

Mine is "loismustdie," all one word, "@yahoo.com."

I think I can explain it to you, Peter. This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening, you did something that changed the course of your history, causing the time line to skew off into an alternate tangent,

- I'm pregnant. - You... - You're what? - Yeah. We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show,

(INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

Oh, we are fucked.

Norm. Norm. And Peter. Yeah. - How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson? - Griffin. I can't find the on-ramp, Woody. He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day?

Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

Boobies!

And you do

All the greatest... All the greatest moments of my life, I spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word. Bart jumping that canyon. Mr. Plow. All the greatest moments of my life. Why is Label Guy trying to punch me?

Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum. In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts.

Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson!

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.

I don't believe it. Are we really stuck in space? Oh, God, what if we have to live up here for the rest of our lives? I'm gonna miss drinking at The Clam. I'll tell you what I won't miss. That waiter who thinks he has to be funny. Yes, I'd like the chopped salad, please. And could I get no onions on that? Hmm. I've got a few connections in the back. I'll see what I can do.

the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims. Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

and this whole thing is going to be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it.

Hey, you take bankcards?

Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.

Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom. Face it, The Clam is doomed.

Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys.

Except it's not payin' someone to install a PlayStation in a car.

Look what the Lynches gave us. A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger. You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard. There is only another fist. That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris?

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo." Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing.

Hey, can you help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat. What's moose stuff? Whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake. And everything in between. Get in.

Excuse me. I've gotta go mix the punch.

For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING)

There's no way.... Wait, what? You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

(IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

You're wrong, Meg. I wanna show you something. Teen People? It's the article I wrote about you. You wrote an article about me? They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl. Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"?

You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!"

How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!

Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Yup. What is this? (MUSIC TINKLING)

Actually, I can't read his handwriting here. What happened? One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face. Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and hotels up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer!

Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh? Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.

Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo." Peter, those are Cheerios.

How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? What about all that liberal crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations? You even cried after Columbine. Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy. Whatever. It's just weird, you know? I mean, you're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun.

STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Mommy?

And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion,

Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Platinum-plated silverware Just one day when kids don't stare It's all I really want for Christmas this year! (GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays!

Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus.

(Lois) Peter! Lois!

Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie!

I want a divorce!

I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson? Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself.

- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?

Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it!

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

Hey, hey, Lois!

Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money.

and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome!

(GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays!

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you?

(WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off! (HAN SCREAMING)

Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis."

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter? I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one,

Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off!

Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING) Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it. Nice try. But Marian's over there.

Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone. Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh! This guy is gonna be huge.

Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you?

Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh? - Hey, figure it out for yourself, man. - We're freezing our asses off over here. Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here.

Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls.

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?

I don't really understand it. What do you want this loan for? I want to build a giant space station that can destroy a planet. I don't know that that would be a good investment on our end. I mean, I want to open a sports bar.

Where are we going? Son, it's too late for me, and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit. We're gonna take you down to that synagogue and turn you Jewish! Ok! Chris, duck!

(SPEAKING SPANISH) No. No. No. No. Take... Just get it out of here.

Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. What was that? Nothing.

Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be? Ahh! If I was an oven mitt...

Joe, I need to use your bathroom. Sure, Peter. What the hell? How do you even... What? It... I don't... Wait. How do I... JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be way too complicated for you. How come there are two toilets?

So, uh, call my, uh... Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks. Tell him it sucks! Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid.

See? We had a plan for that all along.

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha!

He 's a family guy

Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel? Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes!

Come on, man. Cut me a break. I was only in there for, like, five minutes. I already started writing the ticket. You know, I make your annual salary in a week. Are you happy doing what you're doing? 'Cause you're pathetic. (SIGHS)

Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off. Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo Life isn't fair

Quick! Back up! oh, Great. Is there a problem, Officer? Can I see your license, boy? "Boy"? Oh, God. Uh... I left it on my other collar. You been chasing cars tonight, boy?

(LAUGHING) I'm just joking.

Oh, he's batted it clear out of the stadium. Is that good? We don't know, but it's what we do! (HESITANTLY) Yay! Boo! Boo! Oh, my goodness, the Queen is going to be here presently. This is oh-so-exciting!

No. It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time.

So what brings you to Kentucky?

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho!

No! You wanna know how many times I've been laid since last night? 60! Why? 'Cause I'm not trying to be a girl's Prince Charming. I'm trying to be that big mistake they made at the bar last night. Look, what's the first thing you say to a woman when you meet her? "Pleased to meet you. That's a handsome scarf pin." No! You say, "Hi, there! "How's your relationship with your father?"

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff.

What's in there that you can't bury in the yard? I have things. You have a dead bird in there? What are you gonna do with that? I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me. Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch? Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing. Already paid for the meals. And if I want to return this sweater, we've got to get to Wyndham's by half 6:00. Half 6:00?

Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy. I think Betty White is in PETA. That doesn't even make any sense!

Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave.

(RINGS) Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy. We're gonna pull you out of that school.

I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news.

Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God.

Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black star of such films as Nashville and 5 Easy Pieces, was on board. Our Hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again that, given the opportunity, actresses over 50 can land large aircraft. Karen Black. What an obscure referencE!

(RETCHING) (SWALLOWS) Yeah, that was so hot. Just like we always do. Now take off each other's clothes. Oh, God, I'm so excited for gay sex. Me, too. Your body makes me so horny. Shut up and do it.

Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?

It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!

And now it appears there's a woman chasing the dogs. Let's go, kids! Blackie, tell the boys in Kansas City the bet's off. Too late, Stewie. The fix is in, and the noodles are boiling in the pot. Boiling, I tell you! Ahh! Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I figured out my revelation. Uh...

(EXHALES) Mom? Yeah, we won. Yeah, we won the battle. Yeah, I'm calling, like you asked. Okay. Okay. Okay, but I gotta go. I got other stuff to do.

What? Mom, that's you!

Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it?

Something, something, something, complete.

(ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold,

Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own.

Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

He made me feel so dirty. (VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all,

Oh, He's behind the door! Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS. Don't go in there! Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah!

Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition. (SLURRING) I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom, Tom and other Tom in our village! Don't talk to mother in like fashion! That's it. The belt is coming off.

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

My goodness! A human thumb. Where did you ever find this? It was on eBay. Oh, God! Call an ambulance!

So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all!

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb.

Son of a bitch.

(GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I thought for sure you'd be making eggs Benedict Arnold. (SNICKERS) Brian, stop writing jokes for Peter. And, Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows. Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great.

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.

You know how much time I've spent on the ocean. Wilson! What are we gonna do now? WiLson! WiLson! My name is Voit, dumb ass.

Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast? Powerful stuff. You would have to be made of stone not to feel saddened by that.

Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell?

Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger. My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving.

Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded. Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy... have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results? Maybe. Uh-oh. Congratulations.

Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird...

Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING)

CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein.

Shit!

There's way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches.

Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship.

- How does that possibly... - Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil.

Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter.

Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time. Some things are worth waiting for. Wow. You're really a true gentleman. Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING)

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.

This is worse than Seussical!

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

It's like something out of Stephen King! Ok. For my 307th book, uh... this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it?

And I took a dump in the church confessional... which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first.

Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Aw, This meat stinks something fierce! Ha! This ought to knock her down a couple notches. Yay, Meg! Oh, Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days!

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING)

Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.

I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything?

Just like I did against that pigeon that crapped on my car.

All right, kids, gather around. Time to make our yearly terrible call to Great Aunt Helen. (BUTTONS BEEPING) (PHONE RINGING) HELEN: Hello? Hi, Aunt Helen. It's Peter, Lois and the whole family. We're calling to say Merry Christmas. Peter's lowest what?

All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

StoP!

MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated. Oh, Don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You still live in exciting times. Oh, Crap! Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!"

Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. Can I go out through here? - Just be back by bedtime. - Okay.

" am out. Huh? I am out. I have pleasured myself.

Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married. You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up!

Tony Robbins hungry!

Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me!

Come on. This thing goes up to 90. Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm!

Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves? Yeah, look, I'm guessing there's some kind of soccer match from your home country going on, and I get that, I do. But some of us are trying to sleep, and I could almost deal with the noise, but it's the cologne, all right? I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here.

Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done.

He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby!

(STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for?

I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird.

You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now? No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself. You're a fool, Joe! A fool!

Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation!

basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point. Well, you know, I mean, it does seem to be helping a lot of people, Bill. Well, "help" is a strong word. How does this help people, like, with cancer or in Darfur?

Do your little turn on the catwalk? Well, now that you say you're fine with it... to be honest, I'm not really sure I wanna do it anymore. I think all I really wanted was the freedom to know I could... and now I have it because I have you. You sure do, Lois. What are we gonna do with him?

What the deuce?

Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.

You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him! Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail,

I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to... (FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out. Probably just making room for something. Like what?

Stay tuned for this and more. But first, Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is on hand for the opening of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel. Diane, I am standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside. Fancy place. Boy, that'd make some second honeymoon, huh?

What's wrong with you?

We'll help you through With news and sports and weather We'll always be together We're with you through it all Channel Five Holy shit, that just turned out awful. Joyce, do your thing.

Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine. All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C.

Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth. Especially from a fortune cookie. What does it say, Peter? Just something about perseverance. What does yours say? It says I'm very creative.

and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing, but this is a multi-million-dollar film. And he's a very powerful man. He could have us arrested or--or killed. It's worth the risk, Lois. To save the world another 2 hours of torture. We gotta get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters. Let's go!

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story.

Jeez. Oh, man! - What? What is it? - Look at this. The number-one book on The New York Times bestseller list is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore. This is why nobody bought my damn book. You know, this is what they want. The Secret. Chicken Soup for the Soul. The Purpose Driven Life.

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are!

(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Why you gotta say like that? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me.

Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better.

Just look at how they built the pyramids. They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.

Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.

We got our entry fee for the eating contest! Now for the next five days, we're gonna focus on nothing but training. We'll even get up at the crack of dawn. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (WHISPERING) Dad? Dad, it's time to get up. Oh, Jeez, Chris, it's the crack of dawn.

Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died.

Yeah, sounds like a "you" problem. Let's go, Sox!

haw! Oh! Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm blending in. Relax, Lois, It's not our house. Well, I'm glad you're having fun, but we need some money coming in. Have you thought about looking for a job? Yes, Lois, I have. But I've also thought about getting fired from that job. Is that something you really want to put our family through?

Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--

Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. Boner. His name was b-b-Boner.

JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses. See you on the softball field.

You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me. What? You cheated on me. That's what happened today. You can rationalize it any way you want, but to me, all that shows is that you're an immature guy who doesn't realize what a catch I am. I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go. - But, Rita... - Go!

Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. - MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it. - MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction. - Seen it. - MAN 3: Donovan's Reef. - Seen it. MAN 4: License to Drive.

Okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you gotta get your car home, right? I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want, for me to take a bus? Well, screw that. You take a bus. I'm that kind of drunk.

Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

And Look how happy you've made everyone.

Oh! Blasted matriarch! She has failed once again to replenish this frigid box with potations. I shall give her a piece of my mind, at once! Ugh! Damn it! Now look here, you... Oh, my GoD!

Kathleen Turner's on Page 45. Kathleen Turner, huh? Let's see how she looks. Oh, that's a shame.

Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

I hate being all strokey. This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy!

You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding. You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her. Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?

while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!

Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...

Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God!

Don't let your life Pass you by QUAGMIRE: Ouch.

So, you know, it's, like, both of us and our schedules, you know?

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me...

Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared.

Holy crap! I am freaking out!

lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you!

What? Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg. I love you, too.

I don't think he's got the leverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore. I mean, that's... That's where it's gotten. So... Anyway, that's what happened to my shirt. I'm glad we took the high road on this one. What's that? Oh, wait, now they're telling me they do want to show it. I really like the finish on this Shiraz...

Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter. I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.

But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere

Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ?

You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh!

Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.

Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass!

I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing. So far, the only station that comes in is some British guys reading news from places I'm not sure exist. NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre.

- I'm seceding. - Like hell you are.

You're really pretty, and I hope I get to be with you for a long time. Wow. Um... No guy has ever said anything that nice to me before. Well, maybe you've been hanging around with jerks. Yeah, maybe I have. Hey, forget the pep rally. You want to go see a movie?

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

(HORN BLARING) Uh-oh, sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home. I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business. (IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy.

What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

(TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef. - Up yours, Sting! - Yeah, yeah! Hey, what's that song he does that I hate? Uh, Desert Rose. Yeah, yeah, that song sucks. (ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)

You can't be serious. Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie?

So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

Will you just tell us about Peter's tests?

You lose! Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.

Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed. Uh... Lois, aren't you a little freaked out by this? Why? Everybody's having a great time. Besides, think of the money we're making. I don't care about that.

Wait, what'd you just say? Cheeses. You want some cheeses? And that's why you're allowed to eat as much mozzarella as you want in any church. So the three wise men set off again on their journey. You sure this is the right way? Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star.

You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

In a minute, babe. I'm reading every high school newspaper in America to see if I'm mentioned. Oh, my God! Meg Griffin, you are so sued.

Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

Oh, my God. He is short. Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What?

Aw, No you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds? I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I miss my mom. YEah. Me, too. I also miss my nads. Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too? Sure. The more the merrier. Meg, you have the coolest family. She sure does. Hey, Here's to family!

I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix.

Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this. Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert,

Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. (POPS MOUTH) Peter, this is serious.

Whoa, whoa. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story. (MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

From the top, people! Look, Why don't you just hang back and stretch? I don't get it. The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me. Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own. Now, see, that's what people hate. Really? I'm telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be. Wow, it's so obvious.

(EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.

The--

Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

(ALL CHEERING) Crap, we're out of milk. I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some. Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink.

God, she's a pain in the ass!

Where are we going?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

This is Carson Daly, And we're live here at spring break. Who wants to party? Me! ok, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Ok, we're gonna need cake and juice for 14 people. All right, now let's go to Tom Green who's gonna do something really outrageous!

Who is this? PETER: Wheely-wheely stupid head, bet you wish that you were dead. Listen, I don't know who this is, but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know! What, are you gonna report me on your can't-walkie-talkie? I'm gonna hang up now. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! I got three more of these I wrote on a napkin. All right, three more.

They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool.

I can't get enough of So I'll tell you something This could be love because I've had the time of my life

So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem.

Ugh. Get a tan.

(GROWLS) Holy shit!

There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)

Oh, my God! Either they're watching Batman or they're doing the do! Hmm.

"Pass this along to Gossip Girl." (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (BUZZING)

Really? Because I read Wish It. Want It. Do It. (CHUCKLING SHEEPISHLY) Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your lives. Uh... Yeah, I didn't read it.

Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse. There's always one. WOMAN: You can cry about it, or you can decide to live. It's your choice. STEWIE: Found her. Hey, what is it, Doc?

Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks-- Hey, what are you guys talking about? I was just telling a joke. So, the bartender looks around and says: "What'll you two fine gentlemen have?" And they paid their tab and couldn't have been more courteous.

I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.

Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down.

And now, our final performance of the night. Let's hear it for Handful of Peter. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) In god's eyes, everybody's hot

Somebody should put him on a roll. Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie. Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

Is that us? Yes, Peter. You were so handsome,

Ah, Florida stunk.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

It took you this long to tell me? Break it out, man! Gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the David Hyde Pierce incident. And as you know, one call equals a billion people. Which means 20 billion people were offended by this. Needless to say, something must be done. Perhaps we should ask the chairman. Good idea.

Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there.

Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Don't move! aah! A little helP?

Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him!

Giggity.

I--I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just, did I just get bit by a mosquito? Hey, Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him his grandmother was just trying to work me over?

You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles. If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak. (BOTH GUFFAWING)

But then a few months ago, I turned 40.

Peter Frampton!

You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know?

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Hey, Rock, I'm porking it. (CHUCKLES) That's a good one.

Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever.

That rules.

Yep, we're it. All right, look, we know we woke up in the hospital, so maybe there was some kind of catastrophe that we were all spared. Or maybe we were all in some kind of accident. Well, that would explain why you're in a wheelchair. You must have gotten hurt worse than the rest of us. Yeah, I got hit so hard, it knocked my piss into a bag.

And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape,

I am oddly prepared for this. Brian, I know this is gonna sound petty in light of the fact that we just actually ate the flesh of another human being, but Meg ate a lot. Oh, God, Peter.

No, no, no, no, it does not.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen,

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

I'm gonna be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley. That's what I love about high-school girls. I keep getting older, they stay the same age. Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking! What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'll get a new cleaners. They're all the same. They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner.

You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first? Yeah, I'll go.

Okay, what else do we got?

This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

H-h-h-Hi, Barbara.

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel,

You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian, I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care,

Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine? Well, I suppose it's possible. Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from Little Shop of Horrors.

It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Ew!

The "t" is silent. Sweet!

She was in James' chair at the wrong time. And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise. The power outage provided a perfect cover. I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery,

Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad!

And here we thought the weed was inspiring us. Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad. But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC, a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue,

I want a golden mustache comb And some spermicidal foam That's all I really want for Christmas this year

I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da!

What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist-- I'm a guy, you jackass!

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven?

Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex Sodomy Come on, everybody.

This must be how twins who were separated at birth feel when they first meet. Trade house keys, bang each other's wives? Yep. I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman.

You know, cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable "i" at the end.

And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

You may think that song and dance is dated, boring and dry But you might just learn to like it if you give it a try You could laugh and sing and dance as gaily as an elf But just in case you don't believe me Ask the man himself Mr. Kelly? Will you show us?

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy. And I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market. Boy, this is really going to upset my evil brother, Thaddeus.

Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star! Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts!

"has affected my life in the following ways. "The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature.

Hey, dude. You want some of these? I say, here's the solution to my troubles. If I could build a device to harness the size of that leviathan, there's no limit to what I... Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth!

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got? Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?" Oh, God, I always get these. Okay, all right, fire truck. Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks? Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything. That's right, Peter, they are red.

No, no. No, darling. Asian Dawn. Dawn. D-A-W-N.

I hear. Hey, hey, hey! What's up, Ginas... Vaginas? What's up, vaginas? (LAUGHS) Gotcha! Mr. Pewterschmidt, what are you doing here? I'm retired now. Got a lot of free time. So what do you guys do here? Well, we usually just sit here and complain about our lives. Like this morning, Lois was such a pain in the ass...

Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop! Excuse me, sir. What is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? i need an adult! I need an adult!

What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

None of these bears are Rupert.

oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk.

PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here.

Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.

Sa turda y Night Live. I can't think of anything more exciting. Oh, my God, a water fountain!

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy.

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion.

Well, that's a no-brainer. Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this. I want to help you, Peter, I really do, but it's like you're asking a fish not to swim. She's legal and I'm going in. Well, we'll see about that. I ain't afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus. I'm Spartacus.

There no shirt.

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)

(IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE) Slow-motion diving at you!

That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then. (GASPING) It could have been me.

I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.

Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good. There's got to be a way to get back at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris. I know! I know! I know! Let's plant drugs in his locker. Oh, my God! That's a great idea. Yeah, thought you'd like that. Hey, look at that Yosemite Sam mud flap. You had better stay back, Brian.

Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas.

Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me.

Don't worry, Meg. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You simply have to counter-balance the weight at the point where the lever pivots. Like so. Stewie, honey, want to play rocket ship?

Ah! Ugh!

Looks like a pack of Hot dogs All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?

Tonight's the night Let's live it up I got my money Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse. Would you excuse me a second? Okay, I'm back. Here we come, here we go We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball

Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.

I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels,

Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.

Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You can stop having fun! (IN NORMAL VOICE) But we like fun, don't we, kids? ALL: Yes! (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets! And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle!

Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.

The life of the wife is ended by the knife Bravo, Eliza! The life of the wife is ended by the knife

These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions? I would check the point first before re-priming it. But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question.

$1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter!

Just follow my lead.

What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

Oh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it. Watch me. That's it. Watch this.

What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad.

(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING) NARRATOR: Stewie Griffin, scientist, inventor, infant. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged,

Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta. Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home? It's you? Are we already out of our own characters? What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously.

There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

The contusion on his left temple implies he was hit by a blunt object,

I decided it's time I got some friends more suited to my status. But, Joe, we've been friends for years. Hey, we all make mistakes. Come on, dudes, let's go exercise. Exercise! Yeah! I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself.

Stewie, you got to get us out of here. If we stay in here much longer, we're either gonna freeze or starve. I know. But I can't reach the device. You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that? Well, you said I was stronger than you. And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going.

Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand.

One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

(SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

Blast!

Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement.

(TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

(WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So? Brian, he put it up inside. Oh, God. Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory. How am I going to get it out?

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!

But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus.

I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you.

(ALL GROANING) Oh, no! Not again! We're about to do Jedi, aren't we? (SIGHS) Let's just get through this.

- A vagina? - Get out.

STEWIE: Hello, Meg.

Lois Griffin!

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's assbitch. If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her. I'd like those things for us, Chris.

- Highlights! - Okay. Hey, will you sign this form that says I hit on you? Sassy! You've got me sweating above and below my ass. Let's go, lover. Okay, what the fuck?

Are we there yet? It's crowded back here. Stop touching me. Your leg is rubbing up against mine. Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over. Stop breathing on the window. You idiot, that's condensation. It's on the outside. That's it! I will come back there and, so help me God, I will hit you with my ring hand.

Besides, Lois is my friend.

Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney. You ruined my adolescence, Lois. You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.

(YELLING) (GROANS)

Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli. You don't even know who I am.

shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are. All right, hang on. Here we go.

He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!

Have you ever thought about directing? Oh, Just every waking hour! Well, i--I got this movie. I'm not gonna lie. It's a low-budget movie. But the script is solid. My director dropped out. And I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth. Well, I am smart and ambitious! Seriously. No, no. I'm clean.

Let us pause to reflect on the sacred mystery of Richie's elder brother, Chuck, who ascended the stairs with his basketball in Season One and never came down again.

Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait!

You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!

What do you mean, "plans"? I'm going to the Country Club Dance with Glenn. I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished.

Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do.

Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

To the BatcAve! oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey, Lois.

i say! It's 4:00. Away with you! Stewie! Change it back! Forget it. Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pabulum for children with not enough to do. Hey! Shut up!

Stewie tried to kill me!

Am I right, Gene?

The Mr. Sulu Show! (TO STAR TREK THEME MUSIC) Sulu, he star of the show Other guys just along for the ride He's got my shirt in there, I can feel it.

And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape,

Yeah, I see it. QUAGMIRE: All right, press the button right above it. Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me. Yeah? How'd that go? Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world. Yet.

You know, Brian, before you came along, I was so depressed, I was planning to kill myself. But you have inspired me. If you can learn, maybe one day I can walk. Now, what was it you wanted to say?

Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil!

(SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

The Griffin family farm.

Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.

It's your birthday, dude.

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone! All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish. Well, I got to eat. And I got to have fun. Peter, you're just acting out. No, I'm not. I'm acting in.

I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT?

Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.

(STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth?

Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico!

You son of a bitch! (SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you. You obviously have no respect for either of us.

(IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny.

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.

No T.V. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO.

My God! I can't believe she's an android. Do you think we should tell someone, or do something? Well, we could do something. Like what? Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight.

Thanks, Bruce.

So it shall be. Great show today, Kelly. Thanks, Reg. You, too. REGIS: Kelly, Gelman needs us on stage for some re-shoots. Be right there, Reg. I just have to put on my face.

You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you--

Hey, I'm talking about evidence here. There's lipstick on it. Yeah, well, can you bring it over to me? I can't move it. This is a crime scene. Well, can you describe it to me? You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay? Oh, no. Just....

Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas.

Greggy! Fitzy! T-Bone! Gaggaboo! Nazi guy! Griff-a! Hey, we're totally stoked for your party this weekend! (CHUCKLING) You know it, brother. It's gonna be awesome. But keep it on the down low so the spazoids don't catch wind.

9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context. There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah.

If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there.

I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.

9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING)

- You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up.

Hearts filled with passion Jealousy and hate Woman needs man And man must have his mate

And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans.

Looks like there's some blockage.

I thought you said we was going to see Hairspray. Bitch, I thought I said just shut up and be looking fine.

Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night.

The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.

Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey!

I never slept with Francois. What? But Peter said... Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter. I said she wanted to. Damn it, Peter! Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things. Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now.

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not.

No, no.

Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. But when their trail had led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up,

NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn. Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century ecumenical body... "that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." I think that was the Council of Trent. You could not be more wrong. The answer is Phyllis Diller. Peter, you're reading the pink-- My turn.

Give me cocaine! ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo? (ARTILLERY FIRING) Do I sound sexy? Tell me I sound sexy. Peter, what the hell? You look terrible.

As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do.

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual.

Well, where is that waitress? Fine. If you're so over her, we should all go out to dinner. You, me, Jillian and her fiance. Unless you're uncomfortable. I would have no problem with that. I'd love to meet the fiance. Great. And I'm sure DeShawn would love to meet you. DeShawn? Ah! His name's Derek! But look at your face!

Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!

Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready.

First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo. Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it. Now, you.

You've got The AIDS That guy's gonna feel so much better after we do what we got planned.

I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks. Who cares? I don't need Quagmire. And I certainly don't need Joe.

Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God! Is this what you're looking for? I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.

Peter, where'd you get that cow?

Still alive!

Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir. Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising,

ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing. We need a white guy work song. Hello How are you? - How's the folks? - What's new?

No, no. Pot is illegal because William Randolph Hearst ran a smear campaign against marijuana in the 1930s to protect his interests in the timber industry, because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper. (FARTING) There's your smear campaign right there, Brian.

Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Look, sir, droids. Look, a penny.

God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and... Hey, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Okay, so if we can all be mature... Give me the gum. We can all get through this a lot faster.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me. Why do I hear an engine?

Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph. Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today.

Go away, you.

(ALARM BLARING) Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here. What are you trying to do? Once I locate the proper code sequence, this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims.

I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow.

That's a People magazine. Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name. Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday? Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." Let me see that! Did you forge my name? Oh, Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

You screwed up, Brian.

No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex?

Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight. This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat.

Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.

You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING)

Excuse me. No calls! It's about a dying boy. Hello? Well, What's he got? Hmm, Sounds sexy. Get me exclusive rights to his death and you got a deal.

WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin.

"Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee"

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip...

MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

Gross!

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country? What? Payback!

What's your name? (GRUNTS) Michael. You're Derek now!

You must be exhausted.

Shit.

Now it's an AIDS quilt. Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM)

Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Not so good, Peter. Yeah, me either. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster! Come on, let me make it up to you. Let me buy you a beer. No, that seat's taken. Move along, Peter. What are you talking about? You guys are my pals. We used to be, Peter. Now, scram.

And they'll make you call fellatio

Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.

- Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.

Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING)

Hey, How old is this T.V.? You can probably get the DuMont Network on this thing.

Peter, what are you doing here? I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone.

Hey, have you gone yet?

Oh, God. An angry mob.

This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake.

Dear God and Black Jesus! WOMAN: Black Jesus The kingdom of God is inside you, at least it will be in a second. WOMAN: Black Jesus

AXE Body Spray.

feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat I got blisters on me fingers!

What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois"

The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!

MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose.

Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone! Hey! Stop it. And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling,

Spare some change? Sure. You didn't put anything in there. Yes, I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it all in one place, Raggy.

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois.

Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time? Yeah, no, I'm havin' a good time.

Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this! Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up

Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed like Bill Clinton. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, dressed like. All right, let's go make some Whitewater.

Where's Stewie? Hmm... Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall! Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Sure. I've steered our family through bigger problems. Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show. Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you.

How did you ever put all of this together? Well, I had a little help from a very special friend. I like animals. Uh-huh. 'cause they're like people. Just little furry peoplE. Yeah. Uh, Hey, you ever go on the InternET?

Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard. Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS)

(SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting.

Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Here we go. This is where I get all serious now. Okay. Death... (LAUGHING) I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't. Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

Blast you, vile woman!

WHo am I kidding? I'll never get hER. Not with that attitude. Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson, and he was one of them toe-tapping Burgermeisters. You've gotta find a way to make it happen.

Where the hell are they taking us? I don't know, but I got a bad feeling.

Well, Good-bye, sweet home. Maybe someday we'll return.

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?

Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house. Okay, okay.

And the scarf Brian called "A gay waste" makes a rather important appearance. I'm so hungry. Me, too. I don't know if I can keep going.

Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.

I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch. This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom!

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag.

(SPEAKING ELVISH)

Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this?

(IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us.

(LOUDLY SOBBING)

Still alive!

Griffin.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?

But-- But-- But I was also there for the bad times. When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident. And--and I was there when Tootie got those terribly painful braces! Oh, Yes! And--And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

"You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip. There ain't nothing funny about four pictures of the Capitol Building and all that writing. What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois.

I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

Good morning, class. Hey, can I borrow a pencil? Now, now, it looks like we have a comedian. I wasn't making a joke. I was just asking... Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday. And if you don't pass, you are not in the class.

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70. Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one?

I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

You know the best part about being half-black and half-white? When I grow up, I'll be accepted by everybody. (GASPS) A-ha!

The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!

STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain.

Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland. I think you created a monster. Well, there's only one thing to do, Lois. We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it. To the Hinden-Peter!

We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat. Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me.

(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull.

There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen in the hole in the bottom of the sea Get a nurse. There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe.

Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time. And so they sent me back to a brewery. We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated.

But I'm warning you,

I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself!

Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock?

Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah!

She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference. You must be Peter. Joe Swanson.

ow. What--What the hell? What the hell?

NARRATOR: The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit. Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead. And he must let the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled.

Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog. How dare you? How dare you? How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't. If I had known having a son could be like this... How dare you? I didn't know! You have no right, man. No right. It wasn't my fault. (CRYING) You weren't there for me. Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING)

Yeah, He finally figured out how to catch the Twinkie. Ha ha! I'm turning you into poo! Well, I'm going down to The Beautiful People's Club. guess I can take him with me. Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh...

I'm Chris.

Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?

What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny!

Son of a fuck!

Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh?

You suck!

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

(SQUEALING)

Hey, Brian, check it out. BRIAN: Peter, you painted over the back window. Isn't that dangerous? I'm a redneck, Brian. We like people driving behind us to know what our beliefs are. (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Peter, what the hell! My car.

Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me. Of course, Cleveland.

Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina.

No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

a freak!

- (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye!

Oh, God, Brian, we messed up bad. We messed up real bad.

You cannot tell them about this, please. Peter is not very discreet with private matters. PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman.

Oh, hang on, I got to go pee. That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a... Oh, I got to take a leak. There we go. Oh, pee time. Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up?

It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food.

Maybe We should cut down on your sweets. You're starting to get a little Buddha belly.

Stewie!

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

"I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

Admiral, we've got enemy ships in sector 47. It's a trap! It's a trap! Also, whose cat? (CAT MEOWS) (SIGHS) Someone get your cat.

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party!

I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

so I'm counting on you to help me.

(SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here!

My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll!

Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. Anyone? Anyone? Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire. It's good to be back, Peter. Hey, Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes?

I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time? (STUTTERING) Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.

(SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot.

Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian? No, but, actually, you know what? I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? Hispanic from Spain? No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die? All right, I got another one.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you.

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her!

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing. I know it's different than you're used to.

Oh, crap, he's in love again. I know, I know. But this time it's for real. You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for. Oh, please, you've only known her a week. Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole life for. Well, Jillian was. But I'll never get her back. But Denise... I really think there's something special there.

Uh... Hi, Loretta. Brian! Stubby! What are you doing here? Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure.

Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70. Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One.

Wow, Mom. Were you a Miss Teen Rhode Island? I sure was, Meg, when I was 16 years old. In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract. Really? Why didn't you take it? Well, I wanted to, but your grandfather wouldn't let me.

I really like you, Sandy. I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE) Oh, stop, I'm...

Morgan Freeman.

(LOON CALLING) Listen to that. It's a loon. That's beautiful.

(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas!

So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England. I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off. All right, all right. I tell you what, - you get one free revenge shot at me. - Okay. But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming.

and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination.

Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

(DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

BOTH: April fools!

Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? No, that's another guy. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin, and at Peter Griffin Cadillac, we believe in three things, fair dealing, family, and friendship. I've lived in Quahog my whole life. I love it here. And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. Scumbag.

But, Michael... I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you. See, look, Meg. He just walked out on you. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

What the fuck was that?

Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not. - Oh, you're so lying. - I so am.

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper?

(BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

It's an instructional video on toilet training.

Say 'how do' to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville. Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War!

It's like I've become a different person, and so has he. Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me.

This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?

Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan. That's Rich Little. You're Rich Little! He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock.

I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

"Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay.

Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

"while-your-wife- is-at-work" fun.

Hey, can he say the word "ask"?

I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00. if you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00. I can't believe this! I feel sick.

Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again? What's a hypotenuse?

Good-bye, kids. Good-bye, Pearl.

Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter! I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny. That is funny. And you know what I appreciate about your joke, Peter? It's clean. It's clean funny! I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are.

Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.

There's no moustache like my father's moustache That's the biggest moustache in town Play me off, Johnny. What else be funny tonight? Uh, Star Jones got married. That was in the news.

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine.

Enough!

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!

They called me "Tasty Cakes"

(HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now? I don't want to wait

Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit!

now Meg, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it. And shame on you, Peter.

Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

(HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head.

You don't have cancer. You're going to be fine. Really? Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you got so far. Oh, you are just the worst type of person.

(ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)

Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! Starting right... Well. not now. But soon!

MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.

Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery. (SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!

Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to. Do you remember who it was? Yes, I do. It was Stewie.

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?

Peter, what is this show?

Gavin. That's a stupid name. And nobody likes you at school. I tried to stick up for you but I can't, because everybody hates you. You're gonna be ugly when you grow up. And everything in your house is cheap. And it smells in here. Hey, Brian. Bye!

"Here I go." Rupert, get back here. Rupert? Oh, there you are. Wow, look at all the old stuff down here. Hello, what's this? "What I Learned on Jefferson Street. "Written by H. Brian Griffin." (LAUGHS) Oh, yes.

I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go. That's why that little symbol with the two crossed arrows is up there in the corner.

What are you? One of Freddy Krueger's victims? I'm a victim of the liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus. Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year, and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again? Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

The fuck's going on down there?

Uh, Sit. Good. Uh, Roll over. Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here. Let's call it a night. Do you want to win this thing or not? We haven't even talked about how you'll wear your ears. I was thinking up. I need a cocktail. Don't push too hard, Peter.

Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman. And Meg.

Well, Your Honor, in that case, I'll have to call my surprise witness, Mr. Sockerby. Mr. Sockerby, before we begin, have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes, but that bitch had it coming. Okay. Your Honor, I'm afraid I have to withdraw this witness, and I am going to those things you said I have to go to.

Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh!

(DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me.

Karina? Yes? You have a visitor. (AS KARINA) Who is it? (AS STEWIE) It's that nice girl, Julie, from your show. (AS KARINA) Oh, Julie! Did she say what she wanted? (AS STEWIE) Just go see for yourself, I'm not your secretary, Karina. (AS KARINA) Why are you so cruel to me? Is it because I'm the pretty one? The talented one? (AS STEWIE) Oh, for God's sakes. You know, we're all sick of you! That's right, all of us! (AS KARINA) Sick of me? Oh, that's rich!

Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over. ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation is brought to you by Sanka.

Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

It's a wonderful day for pie And it smells a lot better than I Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree

(ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket. Well, the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird. Peter, that's not necessary. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere. I wouldn't count on it, Lois. (STILL PLAYING)

That, we know.

Peter, you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course? Well, Lois asked me to watch Stewie for the afternoon. It's all right. I don't think the club will mind. It's Cleveland I'm worried about. Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything. Hey, look. It's President Nixon. No, wait, it's a black guy. No, it's Nixon. Oh, boy. That was close.

I think I can get on board with that. (BOTH LAUGHING) (KICKING) Road House. Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House.

Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit. Hello, Lois. (GASPS) Patrick! It's been a long time. (HUSHED TONE) Peter, he's here!

PETER: Valentine's Day, a day of love, right in the middle of Black History Month. There are a thousand hearts in Quahog, a thousand stories. Some people don't have any stories. Others got two. Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

Hey... Hey, everyone.

I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Muriel? Muriel! (SNIFFS) Nothing. You actually know what she smells like? I know what everybody smells like. - Carl? - Cheetos. - Mort? - Pennies. - Derek? - Brut. - Joe? - Feces. - Consuela? - Pledge. - Seamus? - Wood. - Quagmire? - Wood. Wow.

Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here.

- (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend.

COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

Everybody gets one. Sweetie? You married a total jerk.

"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. "I don't buy your product with broken quarters,

Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg? Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman.

This gives me an idea. She's dead. All right, come on, if Mission Control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard. Okay, okay, uh, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God!

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

Because masturbation is abortion.

Oh, hardy har har.

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

This ticks me off, so much!

Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad.

(SOBBING) Meg, are you ready?

(MUSIC PLAYING) Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock?

Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck. Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape.

All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock. And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf. But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth.

Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

There's one of them now. Take that for stealing jobs from hardworking people! (SCREAMING) Dad, what the hell are you doing? We got a message for you. "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it." Actually, Peter... Gattaca! Gattaca! Peter, I don't think it's working.

You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.

- Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING) Ugh. Get a tan.

Make sure your wife is out of the room.

We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing. Evidently, madam, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. What I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls! Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.

- You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.

(KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho!

I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...The Mondo Twins... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

(MOOS) I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun

(GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!

Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian.

Brian, going back in time ruined my life.

I think it's crap, too. Wow. If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in,

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING)

Oh, are we watching a movie? The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it.

ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

Harm, I found that evidence we need. Now we can finally clear that Chief Petty Officer of all charges. Oh, what's the point? Does anybody even watch this show? Well, yeah, old people. I mean, they--they--they don't really pay attention. They--They just like the noise and the company. Hey, how you doing? How's that hip doing there? Remember the '40s?

Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those?

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.

Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

What is it again? The Onion? So if I go up to your room right now, I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right? No. (SCREAMS) Damn it! That's what I thought.

You guys are a bunch of queers.

Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want?

Peter, those are Cheerios. You must begin your journey now.

I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.!

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.

I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person?

I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

you must write for Leno.

Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. But I do have a job to do. So get moving. 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty. Doodie means poop. It does. Are you, Dad? Are you the only one who does his duty? That's not how I remember it. What are you talking about? You don't remember, do you? I was in first grade.

Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

(DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid. I got a daughter of my own, you know.

Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.

I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

Ew!

He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

(MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

Wait a second! Don't sit down yet!

I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.

Yes. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm... Oh, How do I describe it? You make me feel so young You make me feel like spring has sprung

Oh. Oh, I just got it. Hey! Hey, Armey. Hey--hey, What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"? Nah, I'm kidding, you guys. Hey--hey, Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar. Yeah, okay. OH, Great. That sounds good.

Hey. Hey, you know what we should do, guys, - while we're here tied up like this? - What? We should come up with a totally bogus rumor about a celebrity. And then when we get out of here, we'll spread it around as much as we can. That sounds like fun! Actually, that does sound like fun.

PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this?

Oh, this couch.

I should know this. Oh, Yes. 867-5309. That's it. No, wait. That's not it! Damn you, Tommy Tutone! There's only one thing to do. 111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113...

What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama? And what is... What? What? This is a chicken leg. Are you also making soup? For quinceanera. Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

Right, Bing Crosby? That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat them with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. But tha-that doesn't sound right. Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those!

Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

(SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me.

JuST Help me up!

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble.

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?

Enough of this! I must complete my time machine,

It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food?

Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up. I think I can explain it to you, Peter. This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening,

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension. Let me ask you this. What about all the Renaissance art that Christianity inspired?

Giggity?

And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on.

Surprise!

MAN ON TV: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth?

ALL: Jew!

Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

What a feeling. This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door.

Mrs. Lockhart, our son...

There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie.

If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign.

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold.

Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

Aw, Looks like somebody's hungry.

Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.

Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

Okay, how about "bathtub"? (ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom. A razor blade and a note? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally.

Damn you, vile woman!

Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

Oh, man. He'd hate that even more than he hates sitcom two-parters. Tootie, it's 8:29! Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait! Now I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that drinking party!

now, I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula?

You son of a bitch!

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew,

Wh--

You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again. If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it.

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then. (GASPING) It could have been me.

Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche.

Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! Ah.

I found this in Eli's corn hole!

Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

You've got to look your best tonight You tubby little parasite 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it there are things you must do We'll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Whoever you are, thank you! If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

No. You friends with Gary,

...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood...

Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball!

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie. He's got quite a grip.

Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no!

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?

Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

Yes, hello, I'd like to buy 400 blister packs of Actifed, or similar pseudoephedrine-based decongestant. Why? I have a cold. (PRETENDS TO SNEEZE) Hang on, let me check something.

Hello.

That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007, while you were supposedly in your coma. Look, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me? The truth. Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.

is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur. It just goes to show you never know what sort of person is living next door. Tom?

Now let's get back to our own time.

What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian. This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

Joe, you promised. It's Christmas. Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?

Oh, heavens! I look like a rake. No, you look like you don't care, and that's good. Oh. Okay. Um, if we're dating, does that mean when we go in there I can hold your hand? Good idea. Then everyone will think you're popular. Well, I don't really care about that. I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back.

Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who... BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush."

Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man. Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas? Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa!

Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars.

A nude baby!

I can't fit all my books in my locker.

PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on?

Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo. RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.

Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass?

(BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

You bitch!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier.

Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!

Mamma mia! What is this?

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Oh, he's perfect. Time of birth, 11:34 a.m. Come on, Brian, hurry. (ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina.

(IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you.

Well, this is a nice apartment you have. Is this your dog? Yes. Isn't he the cutest little cutie-wutie? Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face!

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester.

Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me.

Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair.

Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.

so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day.

Ruined.

(LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone.

Yes. You suck. I rule. Who the man? Who the man? Who the man? All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

Oh, yeah, we got a show. We definitely got a show. Oh, yeah, there's a show. MAN ON TAPE: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is,

Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs. Oh, He's behind the door! Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS. Don't go in there!

And I got you this bag of weed.

Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking.

Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final. It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this. I mean, a British football team can't be that bad.

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard?

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

Oh boy! This'll be even easier than running unopposed.

Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world.

Let's go home.

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

All right. Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh... Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh...

unprotected sex, and of course,