comb.io - Clips

Oh, my God. I've got to meet him. Oh, hey, Brian. You know what would be fun? Oh, God, totally! (ALL EXCLAIMING) BOTH: Awesome! You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.

Hello. And welcome to Diane! Today's guest is tired of being embarrassed by her family. Meg, how did you get these tickets again? Let's bring them up right now. Meg, Whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy-- The Griffin family! Suckers.

And Mister Chinaman say in his Chinaman way A-ding-a-ling, a-ching-a-chong a-ching-a chong-chu ANNOUNCER: Pew, Stinky Frenchman. Paris is lovely, and Nice sure is nice

Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman!

Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Well, sure. Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmm. No, thanks. I gotta get going. Oh, Don't make me beg, now. Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye.

Gemini. Ooh! Capricorn. Oh! Ha. I know you're not a Virgo! Aah! Hey, From down here, you look like a Pisces! Aah!

HEy, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

(SCREAMING) (SOBBING) Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention.

(HIGH-PITCHED BLORP) Hey, we got any of those Chips Ahoy! left? No, those are all gone. (GROANS) (WRAPPER CRINKLING)

Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. All right. Let's do it! PETER: It worked!

Well, I guess I did kind of destroy your business, Mort. All right, then let's do it, tomorrow night! Good. I'm just gonna have to reschedule my weekly re-circumcision. So, what are we doing today, a little off the top? Yeah, but leave a little up front, so I have something to play with. Sounds good. And take a look at the back. - You see that there? - Yeah. Yeah, let's trim that. I don't know when that started,

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, Kirk Cameron... Ooh! ...to talk about God. Oh. Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show, Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron. Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you, even in the worst of times. No, thanks.

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green?

Show me your school spirit! (INHALES) The players will remember this while they're playing.

Hey, you know what's a great movie? The Reaping? Yeah. Why are you dressed like John Lithgow? Well, if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good, Brian.

Sold! Well, Go on. Hot-wire it! Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! Oh, for God's sake! Hurry up! You did it! Wait. Put it back. I like that song.

Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try. Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money!

My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter.

Doo-bee-doo-wah

And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

Well, just so you know, this is a really big deal! They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante! (ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

You know, if you want access to this temple, you better pay the proper tribute. All right, that is it! I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all.

Look, I make a living persuading others to join my side.

Brian, what are you doing staring in Quagmire's window? Man, watching sex in reverse is just bizarre.

He's a family guy

Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man. Oh, walk away.

(FARTING) Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God!

You're making me so hot!

No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys? How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things? Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this,

Hey, I need you to take me to New York for the opening night of my play. (SCOFFS) No way. Besides, I checked, and there's no play by Stewie Griffin opening in New York. I submitted it under a pseudonym. They think it was written by Tony Dovolani. I thought your pseudonym was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower. That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car.

and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.

Oh, well, thank you. Dig in, everyone. Hang on, hang on. I think you're forgetting the grace, Lois. (SIGHS) Dear God who definitely exists, we, your people, who have been on this planet for 6,000 years and not a second more, wish to thank you for this bounty, and for keeping Congress predominantly white through Christ our Lord, amen.

Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan? - I told you to stop. - I taste blood. Well, there's a lot of it. Hey, there, champ. Peter, I know this is all a big adjustment for you,

I understand. Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God!

What's up, New Bedford? You look like rappers, but you're not black, so that's the perfect amount of danger.

You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys.

Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer! Look, they're all eating each other, anyway! (SNARLING) Besides, we don't need 'em. I made a few modifications. Hang on.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Chris, is that a note? No. Yes, it is. Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? No. Just read it, Lardo. "I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room.

Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing. About anything. (SIGHS) Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS)

and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out. Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail. Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois.

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane!

I don't know what seven of those words were. What if you look at the ultrasound and see that the baby's gonna be born with no arms and no legs? You name it Matt. (TOOTING) Peter, I honestly don't care what you say. I am going back to that clinic and I'm having that abortion. Oh, no, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Now you get out of my way!

Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us.

Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money!

That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago. She's presumed dead.

Hey, Stewie, what are you doing? Well, Brian, in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought, "Why not go back in time "to that Summer of Love in the '60s "that everyone's always talking about?" Oh, cool. Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid? I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you. Very bad dog. (CRACKLING)

Okay, okay, hear me out. My character is a therapist living in the city, but I'm married to an elephant. Hi, I'm the husband. Hey, honey. We're going to my parents' this weekend. Did you pack your trunk?

I like her, but we're not really connecting. How long has it been? About 10 months.

Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo. (ALL LAUGHING) She should've handed out cigars after that one.

We are going to that concert. And I'm... ALL: Ready to take a chance again Ready to put my love on the line With you

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?

Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes? (LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys?

(EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having. That's better.

(HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass.

Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff?

If I remember correctly, this is the Physics Department. That explains all the gravity.

Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats. Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things.

I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak!

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?

Come on, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right?

He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe!

Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others? Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

We got to come up with some crazy scheme like the kids on That '70s Show. And I think I got it.

I'm sensing a black guy over here. Is there a black guy? Me! I'm a black guy. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Yes, good, good. I'm sensing your infant daughter has earrings. He's right. She does. Peter, you got to stop this right now. Shut up, Lois. Don't mess up my psychic-ness.

I'm gonna show you what a man you really are. Now, let's go put your penis on.

My objective is to figure out why. I don't know. The word "self-absorbed" comes to mind. And pretentious. Definitely pretentious. And he's got a big Eggo. Okay, we seem to have a theme going here. Oh, come on! You're all just mad because I didn't wanna be with you! I think Brian's a wonderful man. He's just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality.

Can you sign this release, please? Okay, but first can we address my husband's situation? Well, the harmonica's up there pretty good. Unfortunately, removing it would require a very expensive surgery that's not covered by your T.G.I. Friday's gift card. (HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) - What was that? I don't know, (SNIFFS) but suddenly it smells like John Popper in here.

Ahh! Hello, Peter. Nate Griffin! Oh, My God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man! Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't. You didn't? No. If I had, do you think I would have slept with your white great-great- great-great granny?

February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.

Glenn Quagmire, you're dead! All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland.

Hey, Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream? Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt.

You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke.

I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going. Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

This thing is an insult. Well, that might be overstating things a little. It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, Fox should be... - Give you $1 for this. - Sold. Brian, where's Rupert? I just left him here to watch my things.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah

Oh, oh, me next! Me next! "I'm the dog. I'm well-read "and have a diverse stock portfolio. "But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them "on the small braided rug near the door." "I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans "for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim."

(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) Where am I? Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures.

Good afternoon. As we approach the Passover holiday, let us remember the struggle of our people as they labored under the yoke of Pharaoh's despotic rule. Hey, if anyone appreciates a good yoke, it's the "Yews." (LAUGHING) That's my Jewish laugh. I'm working on a Jewish laugh.

Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

But you'll see it's just as good. Yes. That's what we were promised about Jim Belushi some 25 laugh-free years ago. Wow, it's so lovely here, Glenn. Well, this is our three-week anniversary, Joan. I wanted this date to be special. You know, this place is unique because if you're lucky,

Oh, That's my, uh, son. Your son? But you're just a baby yourself. Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

Hey, you guys wanna go get a drink at Club 227?

Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. But when their trail had led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up,

Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful!

Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary. Aw, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote. All right, hit me with this. Didn't work.

No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering.

What am I gonna do? I'm really nervous about my date with Ellen tonight. I mean, I want to impress her, but what if I mess things up? Come on, Chris, it's just a matter of getting off on the right foot. First things first. Let's get you looking sharp. You've got to look your best tonight

Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought Marshmallow Peeps. Oh, okay.

I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here?

(BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg.

Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic?

Peter, I'm talking about making love. Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. Ah, What a gorgeous day. Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter.

Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!

that every guy should be Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you

Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie!

Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks.

and there's only one available machine, and you're fighting over it. Go! Oh, God! It looks like all these machines are taken. Oh, drat! And me with all my soiled underthings. If anyone asks, I shot him. Got that? You were crying in the corner.

You don't really think I'm like that, do you? Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me.

I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa!

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello. Peter, congratulations on taking down that monster, Dr. Hartman.

Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance. (WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

I say, Janet, do you like this couch? Oh, You truly are beautiful. You know that? Oh, Janet, our future is so bright. Cookie? Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing and Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and...

Peter, since when do you care about the School Board? Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get him back into the classroom,

Hey, Peter. Hey, what's going on? Is something wrong? (STAMMERING) No, no. Everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. (PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what?

Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls.

Nice fish you got there, Griffin. What are you selling? Your bait? Um, Nice face, Hennessey. Yes! Me, one. You, zero. Hey!

Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Ow! Stewie, that's not nice. Don't grab Mommy's pants like that. You could really hurt her.

Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello! - Hey. What's going on? - What the hell? Get out of here! What? We're on the same team. We shower together. Yeah, in the locker room. Yeah, yeah, come here, you. Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy?

Peter. Um, Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad. Your father? He must be a man of at least 70. Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom. Peter! All finished. What's next? Aw, dad.

wipe it on her blouse She takes a bite, chews it once twice, 3 times 4 times, stops The wife is thinking

Wow. Wow, are you glad you left the lighthouse now, Seamus? Oh, I think so, Seamus!

Damn it! This is worse than being Kevin Federline's magic mirror.

He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

Nobody told me Carolyn was your girlfriend. I'm not his girlfriend. Carolyn, what are you talking about? We've been dating for three weeks. Well, you never made a move on me, so I thought you just wanted to be friends. Then I met Cleveland, and things just kind of took off.

Get down on the ground!

Have a good sleep. Hey, Chris... whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough... but when she smiles, you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio. Chris?

Yeah, he's dead. Definitely dead.

All right, my first trip to a fast-food joint as a retarded guy. Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

All right, Glenn. This exercise should help teach you self-control. Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog. Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens. Old nuns. Really old nuns. Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go.

Hi, Mrs. Griffin.

Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy, the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing. Sensing the impending battle,

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town.

(EXCLAIMING) You know, this is why... Brian, you remember the last couple of weeks I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about. This evening is ru-ined. Look... Wait, what? This evening is ru-ined. The whole evening is ru-ined.

How could you leave me in there?

Come on, dudes, let's go exercise. Exercise! Yeah! I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself.

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables.

Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh!

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.

(SIGHS) Wow. I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING) I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Oh, Mort!

What is it? Specimen Z is a cure for cancer. Carter didn't die. He cured himself. Hold it right there. (BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

Maxine is the lady Who's feeling all right. thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!

Your parents invited me. My parents? But they wouldn't-- Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

Well, Mr. Griffin, the bandages are ready to come off. But I think I should tell you, it's a miracle that you're alive at all. We did all we can. But medical science has come just so far. Ahh! And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask. Oh, Peter! You look like you!

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, there was no practically about that. Mmm, smooth. I like what comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I like this, too. (EXCLAIMS) Starting to feel that.

Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. I could buy that. That sounds like something he'd do. Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that. Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact?

I don't want to be a Scout, Dad. I just don't have fun there. I guess you're pretty disappointed in me. Well, Yeah! Dad, this is what I really like to do. What? You want to draw? aw, jeez, Son, why don't you just stick a knife in my heart?

Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen.

You're a 14-year-old boy, and you belong in school.

You see, Misty, my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion. I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular!

and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter.

I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

You can't put a vagina on this man. Why not? I'm God. Well, what do you want to do about the breasts? Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for. I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom.

(SCREAMING) Cookie!

Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it. Yes! Mmm, Baby!

Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no! oh, Joe, - oh, I am sorry, buddy. - it's ok. Are you ok? You all right? Look, It's ok.

How are we going to get out of here?

Number three. Five and six. (SIGHS) Five and six. About the same? Yeah, they're pretty much... Can I see five one more time?

I...uh... I misspoke. (WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wow, Bonnie! You really took off the baby weight quickly. Oh, thanks, Lois. Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back? Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Toby, what happened? Oh, I just harvested your kidney. (GASPS) Look at the size of this scar. Sorry. It's my first day on this job. Well, where did you work before? Circuit City. So, I haven't worked in, like, two years.

Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it.

I don't know what else... Wait. Wait. (CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No! No! (SCREAMING)

Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey.

Uh, uh, So, uh, what--what kind of a name is Weed? They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. Our original name was Bermuda Grass. Peter, being here with your wonderful family, your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog, well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development.

Worth it! (GROANING) You fool!

I say, walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.

And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake.

Blast! Ooh! A penny! Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here!

Well, Peter's been very preoccupied with work lately. I guess Stewie's been missing his father.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello. Hey, Lois, what's up? Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up at the end of my shift. Oh, gotta go. First fare of the night. I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox. I recommend a trial separation, during which time I advise that you date other people. I believe This will help you gather perspective on your marriage. Date other people? Oh, my God! I realize this is very upsetting for you.

Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever want to talk and stuff. Happy birthday. Hey... Hey, where's that pinky going, huh? Where's he going? What's he doing? Get back here. There you go.

Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar. Now here's Roy! Ha. Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown. Uh-uh, This here's A hootenanny. Hoedown! - hootenanny! - Hoedown! - Hootenanny! - Hoedown!

(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh! Holy crap! This is hot!

Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

Geez, I can't show my face anywhere. I might as well be back doing public radio. This is Peter Griffin, and you're listening to Book Talk on WRNI. Today we'll be discussing Bret Easton Ellis' popular work, Less Than Zero, a tale of privilege, detachment, and youthful alienation.

This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings.

Wait! I got to hear more! Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high! Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station! Last time I do somebody a favor! Oh, God! They must have heard me! Oh, God! I can hear me!

Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter. Nice going. This dinner was a disaster. Eh. Clash of the Titans' owl was worse. So, you're from Greece? I've always wanted to go there. What's it like?

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.

Like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks. You know, Matthew, I may not ever get another chance to say this, so I just want to get this off my chest. You are just awful. You're one of the worst actors in the history of film, (CHUCKLES) and I think that you need to go away. Oh, thanks, man.

What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense.

Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing. You want to get a book published, don't you? Well, yes. Well, if you want to be in black and white, black and white's got to be in you.

Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.

In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art.

Well, I guess I'll give it a little more time. It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey." That's the spirit!

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer!

(EXCLAIMING) (LET'S GET LOUD PLAYING) Let's get loud, let's get loud Turn the music up, let's do it, come on, people, let's get loud Let's get loud

But aren't you going out with JoAnne Fuller? JoJo? No, she's my neighbor. I've known her forever. She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo?

I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life? Okay, Charmese, here we go. Are you sure you want to watch this? I'm just warning you, you're in the splash zone. If I get anything out, I'll be happy.

But it's for my little girl. Dad, how do you know Neil will show up? Don't worry, Meg. I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse. Strange. These conventions usually have Segway parking.

I can't believe Ms. Clifton's gone. Who's gonna teach my class now? Brian, why don't you teach Chris's class? You're very knowledgeable, the kids might knock you down a few pegs... which would be good for you. You know, that is a terrific idea, Lois. I probably have a lot to offer young people. What's he going to teach them? How to lick the Dorito crumbs from between the sofa cushions?

undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air.

This'll show them that Cleveland's not fit to be a parent. So, tell me, is there any tread left on the tires at all? Or at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Seven. Seven prostitutes.

if you have any questions about your locker assignments or your class schedule, please come...

Oh, God! What am I going to do?

The real criminal's getting away. Yeah, the bastard's making a break for it, just like South America. Hmm. Lot of black guys over there. Hey, man, where you going? I'll be back. I'm coming back. I'll be right back.

Yeah! That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!

And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air!

What'd them Rebels do anyways? You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog. (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no! Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog. I know. Oh, no! I know.

She got her arm shot off in VietnaM. Oh. Poor kid. What a senseless war.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah?

Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy.

I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.

Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that!

"Really? And I suppose you think "I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky "deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" What was that? What did you just write there?

Ugh. What the hell? Did I just get laid? Nice game, Peter. Yeah, I'm on a roll. And I whipped Chris on the ice today, too. Enjoy it while it lasts. It's only a matter of time before he beats you. What are you talkin' about? I'm better than him at everything. You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks.

Wouldn't help me anyway. It's a hopeless situation. If you ever want to get anywhere with this girl, you gotta ditch that negative attitude. You're as bad as Negatron.

(ALL LAUGHING) (SLURRING)

Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you?

Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high.

- Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?

What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down. No. I'm not living my life without a mustache. Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas.

(BOTH GIGGLING) ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch. You're so pretty. I miss you.

Peter, how was your first day? Horrible! I never worked so hard in my life. How the hell do you guys do this every day? Immigrant life sucks. But, Peter, life in America is wonderful. That is why we risk everything to come here. I don't know, Cheech. It seems like a lot of work for no respect.

(CROWD SCREAMING) (WOMAN SCREAMING)

I bet you make the late-night monologues. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse.

All right, new arrivals. There's only one way you're not getting on that train. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

Well, I guess we could do that. Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on BlindDate. I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah.

Quagmire, let me in, you son of a bitch. QUAGMIRE: (ON RECORD) I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you. The reason being that you have sufficiently scared me away from your wife or daughter. I plan to get help and use better judgment in the future. Wait a minute. So Quagmire just changed all of a sudden, just like that? You want me to read this or not? No, Grandpa, I don't.

You're disgusting.

Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.

If I'm not there by 5:00, Joyce will anchor the news, and I don't think anyone wants that to happen again. Our top story. Guys, right? Yes, it's open and shut. Now let's just vote him guilty and get out of here. Look, I know everyone's in a hurry, but shouldn't we at least go over the evidence once before we vote, just to be fair? You know what would shed some light on the case?

but the real story was inside the mouths of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman,

We're moving back tO quahog as soon as we can get packed. TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!

Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.

Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris. So, how're you doing?

Stephanie was an accident.

Anything at all can be expressed in binary as we demonstrate in this famous scene from The Miracle Worker. Zero, one, one, zero. one, zero, zero, one. Zero, one, one, zero. one, zero, zero, one! Zero, one, one, zero. One, zero, zero, one. Ha! Zero, one! Zero, one!

Whoa! Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.

But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone.

We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess-- Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard.

Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

You go to school?

Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you. Oh, Peter!

Hello, we are the three wise men. We came here following a star. Those two statements contradict each other. We also come bearing gifts. I brought frankincense. I brought myrrh. And I brought you a breast pump, which in these times is just a guy.

I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle. Childhood obesity.

I'm glad you wore that rock-ring. But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.

When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA. Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, Who's your frienD? It's a work thing, Ma. Near-death experiencE. Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you!

High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame. I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are. What the hell do you know about high school? Are you kidding? These kids today are so easy to manipulate.

You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers! Hmm, This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group. And what happened with the pyramid? I almost broke my neck! The pyramid! Of course! That must be the key to their power! Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid.

He purified you Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again. I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time.

Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian. Yeah. If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you.

Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad. Quick! Back up! oh, Great. Is there a problem, Officer?

Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

You're gonna look so handsome. Ugh, Look at these crow's feet. My God! You stay up past 7:30, and you pay for it in the morning. Who the hell does Brian think he is? Well, Maybe he thought we'd get in the way. I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance.

(GROANING) That's disgusting.

Good evening, everyone.

Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.

That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it. You saved my life. And for that, I shall be forever grateful. Hey, I couldn't imagine life without you, buddy.

I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay.

Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE)

Someday, a white man's gonna be elected President again. Griffin, I haven't been with anyone in ten years. And when you spurned my advances, it was a wake-up call. No one's ever gonna love me again. Wait a minute. So that's why you been acting like such a wacky ass around me? It's been so long since I've been with a man,

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.

No, she can't fire herself. PETER: She's firing herself with her lack of talent and her lack of funniness. I just... You know, I feel like you and I have captured lightning in a bottle... CHRIS: We have. Yes! ...with Handiquacks. And she's just coming in, unscrewing the top, and letting it all out. Meg, your services will no longer be needed.

You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off! Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here! Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Cheryl Tiegs. Nice.

Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh!

- Hey, you like Pez? - Sure. Hey, who's putting together a puzzle? 'Cause I just found a hot piece. Wow. Lois, you look great. I'd like to split you in half like a piece of lumber.

Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident,

(COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth. You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur.

Okay, the time machine is refueled. Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.

So there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup. And cleanup is as easy as catching a ball in a cup. So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup? Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup! Ball in a cup

I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world, and now all I want to do is show you my innermost self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see, or that you'll see my scrotum, and see that it has a seam on it, and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened, and... Chris, I like you.

Peter, what are you doing? If movies and TV have taught me anything, it's that young people today are constantly being antagonized - by preppy '80s bullies. What? What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian? Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate. Peter, you don't know karate.

I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! No. God! It smells horrible!

You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault.

i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall erected in 15-- Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland! Y-You can't just ignore those years.

What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

- You ready? - What's that?

Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta, then Loretta's having an affair. Oh, We can't tell anyone about this. That is the last thing in the world we want to do. What a day! We've done everything in the world. So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I told you. Oh, my God. Oh, no, what happened here? We got into a little accident. It's all right. Oh, no. Well, I guess accidents happen when you least expect them. That's how come they call them accidents. Oh, look, you got the community events corkboard wedged in your grill.

Gonna fly now Flying high now

What do you think you're doing, lad?

Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you. I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

I mean, no T.V.? So He failed a class,

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire,

Peter, I want you to help Chris. Kids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork. I saw that on a 2-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday. What the hell is Gatilsday? Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.

Holy crap! Hot! aah! There's no way out! At last! My time device is complete! Just one final adjustment. There.

I clean toilet. What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS) This trash?

Oh, yes. Just as I thought: France, art... murder? Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. - Hey, Stewie. Peekaboo! - Yes, I see you, fat man. Where's Daddy? Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible. I can hear you, but I can't see.... Well, he must really be gone!

I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me. Good, Chris. I've taught you well.

"'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball. "And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark.

Yeah, that happened, like, 12 years ago. But I just watched Tommy Boy yesterday. He was right there. Yeah, that's a movie. It's shot beforehand. It's not happening right now. Really? But I thought my knocking on the TV glass distracted him, and that's what made him fall down that hill. (CHUCKLING) Seeing him fall down that hill put me in a good humor. Stewie, get lost.

We're climbing Mount Everest.

Well, that's not my problem. Why don't you go out and buy some? No. No, you buy. What if I give you the money, then you can go out and buy it? No.

(CROWD GASPS) You call that kissing a baby?

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

God! Damn! Stupid penguins.

Stewie, it's gonna be fine. Look, here's our first house. There you go. A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you. Everybody gets a hen. Would you like some gravy? Sure you'd like some gravy. How about that house there?

Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps.

Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature. If I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I Would've never done it. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, I went to the streets to find out. Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

It'll be ready just in time for lunch. Wow, These guys sure know how to run a company. Look how happy those morons are. They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes. Good boy, Connor.

Hey, do you guys think this outfit is too revealing? What do you think, Brian? I mean, what do you think of the ta-tas? Can we do better? I think we can do better, right? What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments and naked they would be, like, mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro. I mean, I'm just... Like, I mean,

Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

Do you have a needle? There's a pin in the sweater. Here. Oh, my God! This is happening! This is really happening! Oh, I think this is going to look so good on me. You know what else? Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles. Aren't we supposed to, like, heat it or something? I don't care. I really... I don't give a...

Peter, I think this'll be good for you. You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and... Look at me! Look at-- Look at me!

If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on! Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it. Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kidS!

I shared mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community. What? That's not true. I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter. Peter, I think you should go.

She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do. - Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie.

I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great.

What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that?

It turns me on. (SNORING) That's it, Griffin. Keep breathing. I'm almost there. Oh! Your breath is filling me up.

QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire.

In fact, you're mentally retarded. Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy... have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results? Maybe. Uh-oh. Congratulations.

So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg.

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back.

Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.! I think Peter may be onto something.

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING)

Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite.

Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house! I am the worst mother in the world!

PETER: And so Mary and Joseph began their courtship.

Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Patrick is a very nice man. And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son. Whose pickle is this? This just in. The body of a local fat man was found murdered in Quahog Park last night. Police released this sketch of the suspect. Oh, my God!

I was just trying to be funny. That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)

You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that... Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that... And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its." A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from?

then he'll be That Guy, too

I'm Luke Skywalker.

Thank you. Thank you so much for coming. Thank... Hold on. I'm sensing something psychic. Ma'am, did you have a female relative who's passed on to the other side named... Um... Um... Polly? Polly! I said it first.

Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.

The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole.

I farted during the murmuring. What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it. You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here! (GRUNTING) Hey! This punk's not worth it. You're right. You're not worth it.

Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you? What are you, nuts? Shut up, round-eye!

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems.

Watch this. Forget the down. Are you Watching? Good-bye $40 a month. Let's do $35. Ok, $35. Now, that's the cheapest? Hang on. Hang on. Can you bring me some of those free gym bags? Thanks. I--I can probably just do some pushups at home-- Ok, Let's start with the complete body-fat test, maybe a heart rate-- You're actually not hearing me.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

You--You liked my aria? I was overwhelmed. You're the first person who ever complimented my Habanera. Thank you. Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going. I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow. But you're not scheduled tomorrow. I know.

I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

(MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

(SNICKERING) "Dear Diary, still no sign of that tampon from last week, "but the headaches are getting worse." (GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that! (LAUGHING)

See, I told you, Peter. Age is just a state of mind. So what do you want to do next? Go to Mars, dude.

And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium. Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched!

Ugh! What do you want?

somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

Das poop! I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort.

Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS) Well, here we are. Okay, guys, squeeze in. Bible photographer. Okay, we're smiling, we're happy to see Jesus.

Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt. Sit right there, honey. Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you. Oh, God. Thoughtful. Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some. Oh, thank you, Brian. That'd be nice.

(GAGGING) (PANTING) It's done. Got some dessert for you. You gotta be kidding me. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up. I do. I do like throw-up.

(SCREAMING) (PANTING)

But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball? No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

Oh, God! Oh, my God, this is horrible. Oh, God. That's terrible. Oh, good Lord, save them. Bless their... Oh, okay. Yeah! There we go. All right, everything worked out.

All right, we gotta search every one of these rooms. We'll start with Quagmire's. Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus. They're huge!

Too late! There they are! Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands. I know. And maybe that's why he ended up in my hands. The Lord can't do everything, you know? Blasphemy! Heresy!

And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room.

Am I falling or am I flying? Am I living or am I dying? O, Great Spirit, free me from the bonds of gravity and criticism. Deliver me from my greatest enemy. His name is Peter. More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public.

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

"Fire alarm? I am the fire alarm. "Find your own beach house, crabby. "Put that in your office and frame it." The last one's kind of lame. Did you get down to the one at the bottom there? Which one? "On your mark, get set, terrible." No, this one here. "If you've got a problem, take it up with my butt. "He's the only one that gives a crap."

Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil.

(GASPING) What the hell is your problem? Me? What did I do? You're the one going all Michael Hutchence over here. You just stay away from me, you psychopath. Hey. Ow! Look, I don't know what's going on here, but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe.

Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway. No, please. Don't! How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No!

So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! Ahh!

- Quagmire hates me? - Hates you.

Hi. We here at Family Guy want you to know that we respect all living beings and assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of this episode.

It just means you're excited.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging.

You know what? Fine. You guys are not gonna get to me this morning. I am in too good a mood. I met an amazing woman. Finally, the whole package. You met her at the seminar? No, that's just it. It was right here in town last night. She's a classy, smart, beautiful lady. Look, I took a picture of her. See?

You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!

Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard! That is Journey.

All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time. Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room.

Aha! We meet again, Briggs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you? Joe Swanson. Who? Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation. We saw Reality Bites together.

Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to,

Oh, God! This is horrible! I can't watch anymore! Mom, Daddy, thank you so much for coming over. Oh, of course, dear. I don't know what to do. They scoured the area, and there's no sign of them. I feel like I can't just sit here doing nothing, but I don't know what I can do. I'll tell you who could help. Medium. Daddy, that's not a real person. That's a character on a TV show.

Happy 50th birthday, Lois. It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone. I, uh, i-I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me. Now, just a minute! Ahh! The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! I felt weak! Y-You never listen to me!

Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! TOM: I don't care, Son. I just do not care.

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat. Well, just get a divorce and everything will be back to normal. Oh, It's not that easy. What am I supposed to tell Brian? Thanks for savin' our family, now scram.

You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked. Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister?

Look, your--your parents will be home any minute. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? No, no, No. Go. Go. It'll be funny.

Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING) Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.

Give me the simple life Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant Those things roll off my knife Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes Give me the simple life

Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first.

You better put that thing on a leash, sir, or I'm gonna have to fine you. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog! What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device?

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time.

Hi, sweetie. Look at her staring. What are you looking at, huh? God, I should take her out right here with these, man. Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh?

Hey, Did you hear the one about us? Wow! You are such a good dancer. Way to go on that beer bong. Yeah, no fake. No fake.

Who could think of such a horrible thing?

Except for that one show he did in Ohio after the airline lost his luggage.

An Indian guide with lots of Indian pride Indira Gandhi ran a whole big country That isn't easy even if you're a guy And then, there's Maude.

Then I'll have it made, like the Monopoly guy. Except when he goes directly to jail. MAN: I wish I could tell you that the Monopoly guy fought the good fight, and the sisters let him be.

Mayor West, what do you plan to do if you win the lottery? Well, I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four-piece suits. I'd like to join your country club. I assume that won't be a problem. And what about you, sir? What would you do with your lottery winnings? I suppose I'd want what anyone would want, really.

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.

There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car!

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Wait, wait, Quagmire. Let me cover Stewie's ears. (INAUDIBLE) And this is the hand that caused all the trouble.

Oh. Hey, you know who'd look funny wearing one of those? - The Monopoly guy. - (LAUGHS) Correct. Go directly to jail and convert to Islam. (LAUGHS) 'Cause they do that. Yes, that is what I intended. Hey, you're all right, Mahmoud. You, too, Peter. So, what do you wanna watch? Well, if you turn on Channel 14,

Are you crazy? I don't want to take a chance on being gay. We'll give you $125. All right, I'll do it. Boy, you're more persuasive than James Bond. (MIMICKING SEAN CONNERY) Now, time for some unfinished business. No, James. Yes. No, James. Yes. You're going to have sex with me. No, James. I don't want to. Yes, you do.

Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smucker's.

We'll spin you through the galaxy Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck. All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive.

Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us. If we can endure the pain of childbirth, just imagine what else we're capable of! Right on.

I hope I don't make any social fauxpas... like I did at Pamela and Tommy Lee's dinner party. Hi, sorry I'm late. I was visiting my aunt in the hospital. She has hepatitis. Sorry.

Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster.

Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die.

It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,

Nice work, rookie. You're a credit to the force. Additional generic cop compliment, Brian. Thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose and a few other equally amazing appendages.

He's a family guy

To be between jobs, you had to have had a job in the first place!

Chris, where have you been? I don't know. $53.98. Oh, no, I forgot to go to the bank.

Let's not start pulling threads on this one. Can we go home? Sure. You want to get some ice cream? Well, why not? I don't have to fit in that dress anymore.

You know what? I'm a damn good fathER. And I have great kids. That's not what Grandpa says. Well, Grandpa is wrong. Meg, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys. Thanks, Daddy. And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God. And if you're sorry, he'll forgive you. Thanks, Dad!

Uh, Big Fat Paulie, there's something I gotta tell you. um... Do you ever stare up at the night sky and wonder if someone might be looking back at you? No. But just in case look at this, you freaking aliens!

Up yours, sack breath!

Okay, the door's gonna open and you guys say, "Freeze," and point your guns at them. Or, you know... Or should it just be me? Yeah, you know what? I think that'll be better. Get out. Go, go, go. It's just me. I wasn't ready. Hi!

We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Are those new slacks? What's that now? Are those new slacks? I got these on special at Caldor. Who drove you there? My nephew. Oh! That was nice of him. I forgot why I came over. Are those new slacks?

So what do you guys do here? Well, we usually just sit here and complain about our lives. Like this morning, Lois was such a pain in the ass... Hey! That's my daughter you're talking about! Oh. I mean, this redheaded lady who lives in my bed was a real pain in the ass this morning. Oh, she sounds like a bitch. Yeah, what a bitch. Bitchazoid, right, guys?

Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk.

(WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs! Another train!

Rocky, please don't go to Mars and fight the Martian. I got to do what I got to do. But there's no oxygen on Mars. Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either. That Martian wants a fight, he'll get a fight. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old! Hey, look what Rocky bought me with his money.

Well, I've still gotta do a little work on it. - What's it called? - Susie. Wow. A song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already. Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING)

If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no!

(SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

I'm getting a context high. I'm bored. Yeah, this sucks. What are we supposed to do all day? Well, how about we play charades?

Well, thank you both. You saved our lives. And Peter, I'll never forget what you did for us. You're a good man. All right, you rest up, get better, we ate your son. Bring it up.

Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge. Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it! I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows! Well, At least the T.V. gets decent reception. Ha! Must be some kind of nature show. Ah! Ah!

Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom! And that was the last time I ever saw her.

If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah!

I'm a Coors man anyway!

I have to confer with the council of the elders. You wait right here.

Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! Keep going. No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano? Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

I'm tired of being small. I wish I was big.

Peter, would you put that thing away? We're trying to eat dinner.

Going to take you apart I'll put us back together at heart, baby don't you forget about me

I like her, but we're not really connecting. How long has it been? About 10 months. And how often do you see each other? Couple times a week. Well, why don't you try seeing each other a little more often, and see if you connect a little more? And if not, it may be time to move on. Thanks for calling. This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours, right here on the midnight shift.

All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is All I really want this year!

"anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL."

It's all brand new You'll feel it in my kiss I'm crazy for you ALL: Bah Crazy for you

You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!

Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"? What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING) (SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy!

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Peter, stop it.

MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog. Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time?

On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty. Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo! In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service. Next item. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here "to join these two in holy matrimony.

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe. We're exactly alike, you and I. Now we can be together.

You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course. Anybody get that? The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette." Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely. Yeah, those are cooking just fine. Scoop that one up and put it back down in the exact same spot. All right, they're done! Time to eat! Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

What's that big back part? Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him. I wonder what this thing is for. Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does. All right, here goes. Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful. (TOILET FLUSHES) (BOTH SCREAMING)

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12.

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race

PETER: You know what's weird? This was covered by my HMO. Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing?

Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys!

Hey, hey! What the hell, man?

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Griffin! What the hell are you doing in my house? Well, I was getting ready to watch a movie on your big TV, but first I thought I'd use your hot, bubbly toilet. That's not a toilet! Hey, when's it go down, by the way? It's just doing a lot of loop-de-loops. Get the hell out of there, you son of a bitch!

Hey, you know, if we're all gonna be tryin' to figure this out together, maybe it would be easier if we gave each other names. That's a great idea. Hey, maybe my name is on this collar. "Cremate, don't bury." Okay, that's a downer. You know what? I'm gettin' a feeling about my name.

You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

But if you want a lady's love You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool A squirt, a spurt Of somethin' just for Ellen And you'll see that she will find you so compellin' And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin'

(SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count. We have been here for three hours.

Oh, I'm so happy you had fun. I did, too. And I'm sorry I practically cried at the symphony. It's just that Romeo and Juliet gets me every time. (MUSIC PLAYING) Wow. You work out! So much.

Oh, I swear to God, Lois. I swear to God, I would lose it. Peter, get off me! Tell me I don't earn as much as your friend's husband. Peter, stop it. I'm going to sleep.

You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

They'll come after you, like Peter went after that hockey coach. Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope. Okay. You can't leave, Brian. You'll get life in prison. I'll take my chances. Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end? Well, I, uh... Never, that's when! You need this, Brian. You dropped out of college. You still haven't finished your novel.

What do you mean? That's where you belong, Brian. You're not really a conservative. What are you... That's not true. I am conservative. I support the death penalty to show people that killing is wrong. And that's great, Brian. Look, I make a living persuading others to join my side. But I'd never, ever want somebody to be something they're not. You're a liberal, Brian.

How was your flight?

Bears on unicycles, every one. So what do we do now? We're undercover U.S. agents in a hostile foreign territory. We just got to make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out. Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped.

Well, it's a... I... What's this? What's this, Brian, huh? - What's this, huh? - It's a ball. Oh, is this your ball? You want it, huh? You want this, huh? Yes, I would like-- I would like it, please, yes. You want this, huh? You want the ball? Yes, I would like to have it very much. You want it, huh?

That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food?

- Ok! Me next! Me next! - Ugh! Ok, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow, and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. Ahh!

We're shopping! Oh, Kids, you don't need to do anything special for our anniversary. Just your father. I hope he doesn't wait and get your gift at the last minute again. My goodness! A human thumb. Where did you ever find this? It was on eBay. Oh, God! Call an ambulance!

I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day. Come on, say the line. Oh, oh, there he is. You know what, he slipped into my colon. Yeah, damn it, he's smothered. But let me just ask you this, Lois, if my stomach had said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry!

Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together. Oh, Yes. Very well. All right.

(SIRENS WAILING) Happy Valentine's Day, Juan. And to you, mi amor. One minute, I freshen up first. (SPRAYS) (POLISHES) Okay. CONSUELA: Si, si, si. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God! Oh, hi. How is everything? good, Good. Real good. Real good. Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris!

Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. "Today he was out in the yard raking leaves.

Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING)

The native man is an impressive physical specimen. Look closely at his sinewy muscular form and unusual vitality. ft is a thrill to watch him dig a ditch or mr a jug of water or participate in a hunt. Cut. Print. Gay.

A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

Oh, for God's sake, where's that white-noise machine? (WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! (SIGHS) (RADIO STATIC) (TURNS RADIO OFF) Oh, man, the battery's dead. Now what do we do?

Charles Yamamoto!

or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get little bits of lint out of the rug? I know what you're about, Mr. Herbert: free labor, and I'm not into it. Chris, you have to choose. It's either Franz or me.

'cause, you know, I fucked that chick,

Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day. So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.

(SNIFFLES) Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.

We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect!

Fire her? She's the highest testing character on the show. Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract. Oh, yeah? Well, Here's what I think of your contract! I think it's awful, and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir. Let's go, Lois. We're outta here.

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true. That's right, little buddy.

Brian, are you nuts? What the hell kind of show you think I'm doing here? What? What are you... Come on. Pelosi's a monster. And she's addicted to crack. Come on, you're with me on this. Of course she's addicted to crack, but you can't just say that. You got to lead people there with an intelligent argument, so they arrive at it on their own.

(GRUNTING) Well, this looks like home.

Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong. Peter, that story was completely inappropriate. Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage. You've totally ruined this trip for me. I am mortified to even show my face around this ship.

And we're back with our round table discussion on the Petorian crisis. Uh, You were making a point, John? Yes. What the United States is doing to Petoria right now is criminal! Nonsense! Force is the only thing a despot like Peter Griffin understands. Oh, Fine. Why don't we just drop a bomb on hiM?

No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no... (BRAYING)

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Stewie, what the hell? Are you out of your mind? I most certainly am not! I know what you're planning to do, and I won't allow it! You're not going to kill yourself for that fat bastard! Look, I've made up my mind, all right? Now untie me. No, I will not! How dare you make plans to abandon me! Come on, you, you can live without a dog, Stewie, but you can't live without a father.

(HONKING) Holy crap! You marry Billy Joel, it's gonna happen one way or another.

And the noblest of all those early creatures was the dinosaur. Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch?

Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

I knew it. I knew it was the ex-boyfriend.

- That's a great idea, Peter! - Sweet! And I promise you'll be able to understand all the words, not like Sting where you can only understand the last three. (GARBLED SINGING) ...up a brand new day

There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there? Oh, my God. Stewie, just shut up and go to bed! Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.

(LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.

There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn!

I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster!

Oh, Hello, Alexis. Heard you might not enter the competition this year. Smart move. Yes. Well, There are more important things in life than a piano competition. Oh, Yes. Especially for those who have no-- Ooh, That's cold! Chance. For your information, I have a student that could whip you.

Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo, if you can believe that. (SHOUTING SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH) Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house,

One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

I spent my refund on a plug- in Playmate. So, schoolteacher. That--That must be interesting. Well, i-I'm getting something really special, too. And--And by special, I don't mean special like that Klinemann boy down the street. More special like--like Special K, the cereal. Hey, What did they do with the regular K?

Oh, my God! My fish is gone! And he robbed me!

The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus. My God! How could we have been so blind?

No. You know, Lois, if everybody was as closed-minded as you, the world wouldn't have some of its most inspired creations. Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter.

(PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it?

Hiya, kids, it's Peter Griffin's champagne dance party. And, oh, we got a hot one today.

(SQUEALS) That was amazing. I can drive! Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment. 11:45 and the lights are on. Doing it with the lights on now, whore? Don't mind looking at his body? I love you so much, though.

Come on. You can do it. Feel the burn, Chris. FeEl ThE buRn. Ahh!

Oh, my God, that's the same teddy bear Stewie has. We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this. Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club. Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food.

I wonder how your father's first day at work went? Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda?

(CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon! Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party. That was awesome! Yeah.

Hey, how you doing, Brian? Lousy. I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. Brian and Jinx are friends. Get that out of here. Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV?

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

Okay, we still got nothing to eat, so it looks like we're gonna have to hunt animals for food. And since we have no weapons, I set up some traps and snares. Well, I was about to take a leak. - Can I go in that direction? - Yes. (SCREAMS) No.

Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking.

I want to marry Lois! Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this, and stay away from my daughter forever! $1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache?

Here you go, guys. Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me.

(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex? Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple.

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Ah, I love you so much.

Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS) All right, Peter, this is a tough one. All right, are you ready for this? Okay.

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois? Now we know what to get him for Christmas. I love the holidays. Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control. He's terrorizing the whole family.

Okay, that was good. That was good. Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take.

Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four. (SAFETY DANCE PLAYING) We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house?

CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him.

I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here. Absolutely. The children get to play our games. And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize. I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live.

I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts. f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy.

See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.

Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal. It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death.

So I left. How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. Nice try, skank. Worth a shot. Well, where did you go after you left the war? I spent a few years laying low.

We got two Brians in our universe now.

I like her. Here you go. Maybe this'll help. All right, here it is. "To vanquish poltergeists, one must restore all disturbed remains "to their original resting places."

Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted. - I said swallow it! - (GULPS) Now, smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open. Look at yourself, you filthy whore. (GRUNTS) I don't even want this now.

Well, this looks comfortable. (SIGHS) This is gonna be a relaxing weekend. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, guys, guys, get this. So Lois wants a part-time job, right? So I'm like, "I got a job for you, baby, right here." See look, This zipper's been broken for over a month. I gotta use a damn safety pin.

What the deuce? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Yahh! Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose.

I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people... People are gonna be sorry they didn't come. They're gonna... This was a good night.

Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual.

Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING)

Well, A military strike against such a small nation could cause an international backlash.

Mega-rocking, pillow-talking just-a-little-crooked walking Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting For some reason, always shouting Fascinating, captivating happiness-and-joy creating Down's Syndrome girl!

In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles. Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane. Oh, that's just great, Lois. Thanks to you, I missed a moment of television history.

I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God. This is my fault. This is my fault.

What do you think of that, Neil? Daddy bought you a girlfriend. Excuse me. If anybody is interested, I already have a girlfriend. There's no way.... Wait, what? You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy.

Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that... No, that's more or less been retired. I see, I see. Do you still have the thing? Oh, my God, what a beautiful room. Paris is so incredible. I can't believe we're really here.

But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded.

Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

(SENSOR MAKES BING-BONG SOUND) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent!

and that kind of bums me out, so I got you this Cookie Puss. (CHUCKLES) Isn't that funny? Look at that weird nose. I think your nose is weird.

Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING) Wow! What a hero.

I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

Gee, I wonder if there's anyone else at this table who's maybe more qualified to say what's funny than you are. Well, we'd need to see a little bit more, but... (LAUGHING) Is that the time? I can't believe that's the time. It's late. What? I don't understand. You're not wearing a watch. Well, you see, that's sort of a joke, Peter. Oh. Well, that's not that funny. It's kind of funny, you know.

SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do? Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours? Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry.

I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know?

In fact, I think he might be the only black guy in the galaxy. (CHUCKLES) Let's hope, right? ALL: Whoa!

Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys.

Is everything ok?

Leia! Leia! Han, come over here. I found this. I suck. Hey, maybe we get out of the woods before nightfall, on account of the ghosts and all. Hey, guys, look over there!

Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger...

Our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Maharjarifa... Something September 11th-y. All right, Omar, your word is "candy." Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy. That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.

They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING) Oh, hi, Peter. (LAUGHING) Ram her. What? I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but...

Hey, Mom, I want you to meet my new girlfriend.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today?

We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama!

Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois. Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary togethER. No wonder she's gonna dump mE. Or is she? Wait a minute. That's my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wifE! Eureka! Now, come on back to the golf course.

Is the group harder than an erection That shows more affection They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto Takin' short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low And never let go 'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane

Damn you, Entertainment Tonight! Hi, I'm Bob Goen, and these are Mary Hart's legs. Mary, you recently spent some time with Julia Roberts, didn't you? Mary says, "Yes."

Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton.

We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

I remember when I first noticed girls starting to develoP.

I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back.

So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?

Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club.

You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Stewie, my baby! I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn. Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.

It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up.

you'll think you gave Chris Brown an STD.

Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy. Now do that thing where you rub my belly! I really like that! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party

Six fifty-one. That's not bad. Better than mine. Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself? He's got an idea, but it's not quite there. I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that seems like it's more her market. This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas!

Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois,

We'll put, "No more tears" on the label. But it does make you cry. I know. (BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh... Well, I lost my train of thought. But this is really exciting. I'm having a blast. And it's all 'cause of you, Jesus. Hey, like I said, you're the one who got me here. Some might say you're my savior.

Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook. LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh." Peter! Are you all right? Where's your father? Still at the factory.

Hey, Lois, give me a penny. You're not gonna throw it over the edge, are you? No. Yes.

Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! I know you can't understand what I'm going through. All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning,

(SCREAMING) Where are we? I think we're in Germany. Look, there's the Black Forest.

I think that can be arranged. A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.

Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes. Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever.

I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane? I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him. He's probably hurt, or lost, or--or--or shanghaied by pirates! That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!

Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die!

Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits.

Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

Friends until we die Again Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook.

By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!

Brian, of course you don't believe in psychics.

Peter, what's going on? Quagmire's having a sleepover with me. You can't be serious. Look, Lois, I told you that I need to have somebody sleeping next to me, all right? Now if that's not going to be you... Fine! Do what you want. I don't care. But I think it's very strange. Okay, that's the one thing it's not. Yeah, it's not strange. I already told you, I don't care. It's not strange.

- Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't. - Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? I just used to think he was kind of funny. We should... We should get to the hospital.

(ALL GASPING) I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot!

Eh, it wasn't so perfect back then, either. And so I say unto you, Sons of Liberty, no longer will free men live under the yoke of giant predatory birds. Shrieking, swooping down, stealing our livestock. What's going on in here? Nothing, uh, just bellyaching about the British.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother.

I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me! - Well, how... Can you get up? - I'll try.

All right, here it is. 625 Maple. That's the family that adopted Anna Lee. Hey, wait. Wait, guys! Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

Well, for this, this is a first--first-class cabin. It's, uh, 25 bucks. Wow! And we're the robbers. Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach? Uh, $12 for coach. Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale?

Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater. Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad." I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's.

Allison Janney? QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You don't know my name, do you? You never bothered to learn it. What are you talking about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you, slugger. Yeah, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO. C-3PO, yeah. I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me, C-3PO? Maybe we should go inside. Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO. You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?

Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom!

Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin, and that skull belongs to me. Well, it's hardly just a skull, Mr. Griffin. I put it on my head, and it's a skullcap! Put it with David Duchovny, and it's Agent Scully. You got to appreciate that... Hey, don't distract me. Now, hand it over, Mr. Top.

Let's go to the hospital. Well, Brian, I'm proud of you. You went in there and you stood up for what you believed in. Yeah, now I don't have a TV show anymore. Who cares about that? You made the right choice for your own integrity, and that's what matters. Well, I suppose you're right.

Boy, they've got some very unusual prizes at the carnival this year. A winner! Congratulations, son. You've won a genuine, live homosexual.

Looks like We're getting some rain here tonight, John. Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain! I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp.

Oh, my God. Peter, it's beautiful! Is it a blood diamond? Ah, the bloodiest. The two kids who found it were forced to murder each other. Oh, Peter, I love it! Hey, you want to watch a DVD of the murder while we do it? I already watched it eight times, so I know exactly which part I want to blam at.

Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin. Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much!

I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

Hello! Max Weinstein?

Now I'm sad. Brian, do me a favor and check on Stewie, would you? He's fine. Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song? Some say love It is a river

Mission accomplished, gentlemen. Warhead has been destroyed. We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch!

All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out. Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard?

What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what, I just... I hope I didn't hurt you because I'd feel terrible about that. No, no, no. I'm all right. But, listen, you know what, let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner. Well, that sounds lovely.

Yeah. It's so clear you can even see Ellen DeGeneres' breath. Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and...

But all the ladies catch the clap from your drunken Irish dad

Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor." What? What are they honoring you for? Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend. And it's free. Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say. Wait, you're not gonna go, are you?

Hey Lois, you remember when I was the 3rd Hardy Boy? Peter, there was no 3rd Hardy Boy. Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores! - Hey! - ahh! Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right. Can we please just drop it? It's just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin,

No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower! And I'm a boy! (ALL EXCLAIMING) A perfectly normal little boy! Who also happens to be a transvestite. Which begins with the letter "T."

Well, actually, Diddy hired a guy to close his mouth for him. I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

(SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed.

Boy, this is fun, eh? Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman who came with her co-workers. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot! All right, here's a cute-looking one.

You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. Why? Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that.

HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following: "The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" A little spending money? I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr Nick, what are you talking about? Meg, you were right.

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS) Lois, there's no presents under the tree!

Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.

CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons!

Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town. Listen, I know I'm not a regular patient, but I think I have some trouble with my prostate. So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy? What, so you can sue me, too? Oh, come on, it'll only take a sec. Forget it. I'm a doctor, not a patsy. Hello.

Really? Shannon Doherty told me that once. But I thought she was just being a bitch.

- Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai. Break it up! Break it up!

We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock

Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this. Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture? Let me go, man! Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant.

Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

He say "nice day," but he covered with rain. So? So, he say this when your brain know is not really nice day. - (LAUGHS) - Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes. He say the opposite. Is funny. Oh, yeah, I get it. - (LAUGHING) - "Nice day." Now you funny, too.

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House.

Joe, would you put on your hand shoes and take out the garbage?

No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure! No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it!

Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur. Oh, my God! Everyone I touch turns into Robin Williams! Yes! Peter "Sweet Cheeks" Griffin, you have been given the power from God.

if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.

Okay, that was good. That was good. Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take. There's no sign of them anywhere.

or blind or retarded, but you're not. You guys don't care about me and my struggle! I hate you! Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not. Like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out ofjury duty. Awful lot of honkies in here.

You find something funny, maggot? Sir, no, sir! You love the Middle Ages, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir!

You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts? Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland. I need some passion in my life.

Sir, will you please stop staring at me?

Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you? Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

I just can't do this. Come on, Is this any more degrading than washing cars?

like the whole Irish nation When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule

Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Your friend's candy is right around the corner. All right. Terrific. (THUMPING) BRIAN: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint?

Uh... Hello? DISPATCHER: This is dispatch, go ahead. Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING)

Do you think your parents liked me? Yeah. Can we make out now? Oh, I forgot my... (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, that's kind of hot.

Please, help yourself to anything in my corn hole. Hey, don't worry about it. We can still be pals. And I know just the place for us to go and blow off all this steam. We went dancin' Across the USA

How could you do this? You've turned my life into the 24-Hour Loser Channel!

Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years.

And that should do it. Now let's go home. Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on!

CARTER: Hello? Hello. Who's this? Who's this? Carter. Who's this? I don't know. Do you have my OxyContin? What? Are you the guy? I'm a guy. I want my drugs. What are drugs? I don't think this is the call I was expecting. (DIAL TONE)

That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes? (LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys?

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

I thought I needed to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life, but the only thing I'm missing is my family. How could I ever become involved in this filthy, degrading business? And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo!

HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm!

It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape!

Uh-oh. What? Hold on to something. MORT: Why isn't the time machine working? I swear to God, Mort, I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again.

Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh! Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh!

You're learning everything. Watch.

The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore. I just can't believe he's gone.

Well, I don't know what you mean by that,

Oh, no. I dropped my glasses. Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance? Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry. Are you sure you took it? Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't.

Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.

Did you have a good time at your prostitutes' convention? Peter, I was just trying to help your mother meet some new friends. Lois, you're too nosey. Like that waiter at that restaurant. And who had the prime rib? I hardly think that's any of your business.

You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?

Like that time I built that handmade electric razor. By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!

Hey, somebody give me a beer.

Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

(CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead.

The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed. PETER: Brian, look what I found! Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS) Uh-oh.

Ah! The finer things.

Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

I wasn't ready. Hi! (EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.

Oh. I got a makeover, Dad. Don't I look great? Meg, honey, I always thought you were beautiful just the way you.... God, couldn't do that with a straight face. Welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.

Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm. How are we supposed to stay calm? There's a killer in the room! We all gotta get out of here! We're all gonna die! Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together!

All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore. And, by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.

I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No! What the hell is wrong with you? I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass!

There's no way I can compete against those other kids. It's like trying to beat schpupel champion Fjurg Van Der Ploeg at a game of schpupel. (CROWD CHEERING) Schpupel!

Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)

I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good.

Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.

Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

(SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this?

Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark.

Well, let me show you around.

Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like. Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact quahog police immediately. One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase,

(YELLS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, you bastard! You should've seen your face. That's so not funny. Now I gotta empty my pants. What's that? - Acorns. - Acorns? Acorns, that's what I said! - We sound too much alike. - I know.

HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new. This is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. Thank you, Daddy!

Well, okay, uh, for one thing, they always land on their feet. Watch.

Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes.

Griffin, Griffin. Here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. - Well, you'll need this. - Name, please? Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry, sir. Chris Griffin has already checked in. Well, that's impossible!

We all gotta get out of here! We're all gonna die! Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together! (SHATTERING) Wait a minute. Joe, look!

Uncle Rush! Hey! Ooh, you are getting heavy. I know. I'm 64 and three-quarters. You sure are, slugger.

(CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of.

Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time.

Hey, it's 10:30! I suggest you take your dope and go elsewhere!

Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do.... Just a city boy

Awesome! All right! Oh! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now!

I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?

Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track? OH... Let's not do this. Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE! Yeah, listen, don't help or anything. I'm totally fine. Damn IrisH.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

And don't lie, or I'll tell Jennifer Connelly that you're the one who's been mailing her those dog heads. Yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore. Okay, fine, Meg!

Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie. Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too. I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt. Whoops. "Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me.

So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is, I still have my penis. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.

drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

Dad, I'm Chris. I'm your son. Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

What is it, Lois? I was watching... Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing? Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum? No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front.

Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin? (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Wow. There are all kind of manner of crazy monsters in here.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

Victory shall be mine.

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

We haven't made love in two weeks. We haven't made love ever! (CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, God!

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one!

(GASPS) You're wicked.

I'm feeling shipshape. If the ship is the S.S. Minnow. Doctor said I'd be making bland jokes for about a week, then I'd be good as new. That's good to hear. Well, we were just on our way up to Fenway. You got tickets? That's sweet. You know, there's no better outing than watching nine innings. (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry, I'll perk up at the game.

What--What are you doing? Oh, You don't know that either? Last chance, Brian. Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What?

Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here? Don't they have bookstores at the Nazi fascist... Fascist fat camp where he... Where he go... Where he... Where he is a counselor? I tell you what, Brian, if you want, we'll give you another crack at that. This guy single-handedly set political discourse back a hundred years.

Do not go until I wave my flag. I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED! Your boy is out of the Scouts!

(EVERYTHING I DO PLAYING) Look into your heart

Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

No way. Bill Clinton makes me feel young.

A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

(EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger?

I'm sorry, I don't understand. The position has been filled. The position has been filled. Thank you very much. You can go now. Leave! Now!

(SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!

There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money. For example, you're all shooting up. Why not share needles? That's a no-brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins.

and I might answer most of your questions with a story, but mostly, my mustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open, and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones. Ew! That's the ugliest thing the fat man's grown since that horse leg.

WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk!

I'm just going to have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.

He's a family guy Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come.

consequences will be dirE. Go on. That's it.

All right. Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition. Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man, that was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie? (SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie."

Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It's--It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! Bam! Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle. One--One day you--you see your reflection in it, and the next day, it's a--it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you,

Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me

You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations. Aw, That's a small price to pay. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah!

Except for that time we went to see Phantom of the Opera. Music is the gift I give to you PETER: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here! That nose better be piggy. - Shut up. - You shut up.

And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

- Quadruped. - MutanT.

Hey, Rush? Is it okay to hang out in here? All right, fine. Just don't say anything, okay?

That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one. Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome. I've always thought you were handsome. Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing."

You know, Lois, you're not a young woman.

Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

I was very pleased and surprised. I really was not expecting an open bar. Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

Is my eye big? Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress.

I've never even heard of most of these. "Jeffrey at the Park. "Mikey's Scoliosis Exam. "Nephew Somersault Compilation." Well, even if you never heard of them,

holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da. Here. Make sure you get all this. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? No. Not necessarily.

(SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe.

Yeah, don't do anything to ruin this, Peter. You know, the way you ruined my parrot. I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! Cripple. Damn it!

STEWIE: I'm your number-one fan. I'm your number-one fan. I'm your number-one fan. (GROANING) Who... Who are you? I'm Stewie Wilkes. I saved your life. You were in a terrible car accident, and you broke both your legs. I taste lipstick. Am I wearing lipstick? Not anymore.

Well, then I guess we're not going on vacation. (YAWNS) Good. Then I'm going back to bed. All right, Peter, you can bring the stupid birds. (CHEERING) You're letting me be myself! All right, everybody, let's go! All right, everybody, off we go. We are gonna have such a great time.

- Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING)

Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes! I'll have what he's having.

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap!

Freedom you see Has got our hearts singing so joyfully Just look about You owe it to yourself to check it out Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day?

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Sa turda y Night Live. I can't think of anything more exciting. Oh, my God, a water fountain!

(MACHINE ZAPPING) Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing?

I think it's gay. It's not gay, Brian. If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay. Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay. He was not. He had a mustache, which is practically like a wedding ring.

Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip.

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off. Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. Yeah, I have MS.

Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? That's odd. I thought that would be big news. You thought what would be big news? Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.

Attention, everyone, mail call!

Lois, my penis belongs on stage.

I've got a different business meeting at 3:00, and will be doing business there. I was wondering if you're free for coffee. Oh, no, I can't! I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch. After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

We're in a handicapped spot, you slut! Well, Miss Quagmire, your brother Glenn is lucky to be alive. You know, we're all lucky to be alive on such a beautiful day. In fact, nurse, all surgeries are outside today. You know, when we were kids, our mother used to sing a song when we were sad.

Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs, "Part Four: Yield." MAN: Before they had the sign, people just run into each other. I don't know, maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I am completely lost. Lois, you said there would be other men my own age here. But there aren't, and I'm bored.

Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING)

I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick. Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton,

Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket.

Look, Peter, all I'm saying is, those guys have been with Daddy for years. How are you supposed to run that company without them? That's it, Lois, you're fired. Chris, you are now Meg's mother. Ooh, Peter, your muscles are so muscley. I am gonna plow you so hard later.

You guys call yourselves cheerleaders?

Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.

Yeah, but listen, Quagmire. Quahog has some extremely draconian laws governing divorce that all heavily favor the woman. What? What do you mean? Well, to be honest, if you divorce her, she'll probably get everything you have. What? No, that's impossible! I can't lose all my money and my house! Then I'll have to move into some depressing divorced-guy apartment!

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? (BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

I represent the man whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday. You've piqued my interest. Go on.

(LOIS) Oh, Good for you. My God. How could they do this to me?

Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John? You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other.

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum Hey, we should go to the circus. in local news, a new drug craze may have quahog students licked.

See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. Now, smile while I write my name in you. PETER: Let go!

So, you guys are my best friends, and this is where we hang out? That's right. I'm Quagmire, and this is Joe. So, what do we do here? Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do. Giggity Giggity.

(BEEPING) All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen. The Quahog Oil Refinery is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake. I mean, you couldn't possibly have sanctioned that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you? Yeah, I told them it was fine. What? And in return, I get free oil for my hair. Hey, baby, want some Adam West penis?

Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud when they cast their eyes on such favorites as Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow, Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn, and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers. Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard,

Where are you going?

M-Mr. Pewterschmidt, again, I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this. I--I don't know what came over me. You'd better not have ruined my race dog! Brian, I am very disappointed in you!

Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe.

Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

(THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class!

$780. $781. ...you!

(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing.

I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois.

Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later.

Oh! Oh, God! I just threw up in his lung! Look, I know it's gross, but when y-you're desperate and you're staring death in the face, you have no other choice but to-- Oh, There's a Comfort Inn. Really? Yeah. Good luck for us, huh? You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy.

Ok, truth or dare? Who here has gone all the way? Hmm? You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing.

Rob? Did you hear that? Hear what? I swear I heard something. (SIGHS) Adam, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet.

(ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something. Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her. You got any weed? I put it in your coat pocket.

Why'd we take his leg? Well, we're in their country, Brian. We have to observe their customs. Oh, dear. Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey, Brian. Ha! Damn right, ha.

(GROANS) (SCREAMS)

I think the plagues went away.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? No. Not necessarily. (GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows.

What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant... just to sit around and do whatever you want.

Lois? Hey, Lois, honey? Sweetheart? Oh, You're awake! Hey, uh, can you hand me the pretzels? Here. Where are we?

Hey, Did you hear the one about us?

"Dear Luke, if my calculations are correct, "you should receive this letter at the exact moment the DeLorean vanished. "I have been living happily for the past six months in the year 1885. "The lightning bolt that..."

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog.

So we're a little in the red right now. But you got to spend money to make money, champ. Moving on.

I take baby home.

You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her. Oh, yeah? What do you know about women? You want to know how to get women? There's only one place in town you need to observe.

but, Chris, you got to spread that seed until your sack is empty. And, Meg, you got to clear away all that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.

What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there. Very well, Peter. You leave us no choice. Men, form up Crippletron!

Oh, How I envy them, dog. They've got their whole lives ahead of them. Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings. Come on, Chris. It's just vodka.

I say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts, and lifting our huge triangular iron weights! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup! Dad, I don't like running. The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears. Hey, a Twinkie!

(EXCLAIMS) No gravity. There he is! Oh, go on. No, really, go on.

You shall not pass.

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?

And I guess that's why They call it the blues And I guess that's why They call it the blues

Let's waste this dick. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it? You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, they were boulders! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Cereals do change. Now, here's something, here's something. Did you hear about this? Here's a bunch of words in a row.

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?

Brian, look what I won. Wow, what'd you win that for? For having the best pig in the competition. - Wait, you bred a pig? - Sure did. Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig. How the hell did you do this? I'll let you in on a little secret, Brian.

Oh, This is cute. Oh, my God.

You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together. I won't, Brian!

Well, check this twice! ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa!

You know, Brian, you and I should do... No. Okay, it just... It looked fun.

There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay,

(ROARING) All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

You get started with this drywall, and I'm gonna start pulling out those old floorboards in the kitchen. Hey, Brian. Knock, knock. Who's there? (WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together. Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary.

I've run that company for 40 years. He even froze my corporate bank accounts. I'm broke! Oh! That's ridiculous. I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home. (JET SOARING) What the hell is that?

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

Joe, what happened? I got the money.

Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Let's go home. PETER: You know what's weird? This was covered by my HMO.

oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You.

You'll feel better in the morning. (SIGHS) STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it. The next person you see. The very next person you see.

Okay. Okay, guys. here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing. I find her insufferable. French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright. Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is. - From Wings. - Nope.

You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening.

You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks!

Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.

Ben Stiller, help me. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies. - How did you hear? - Hello! Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again... (GASPING) Without remembering how lucky he is that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks.

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay!

come down to the James Woods High parking lot this Saturday with $50 and a large appetite. We should probably note that that is not a photo of Charles Yamamoto. That's another overweight Asian guy, but you get the idea.

Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?

And I got a little surprise for you. In that contract you signed, you got to keep the corporate plane! (GASPS) Yeah! Peter, how are you doing that? I don't know, Lois. I'm scared. Well, come down. I can't. Get help. Call somebody.

(PETER STUTTERING)

Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party.

Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine. How ironic.

When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain. Ow! Oh, Now I don't know math. Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it! Not now, Stewie. When we get home. That's right! You're a big, fat phony!

Is that ham? I thought you put that back. Oh, um... No, I put the other ham back. I don't remember another ham. Well, you were too busy eyeballing that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover. Hey, she is a handsome woman. Well, well! Look who's carrying a little flame for Glenn Close. What a surprise!

Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe.

Dad, look! Here they come! Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in! What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there. Very well, Peter. You leave us no choice.

Gee, Peter! This water tastes kinda funny. Uh, uh, You mean like ha-ha, Jerry Seinfeld funny or Elayne Boosler, "God Bless her, she's trying" funny? Racers, on your mark! Go get 'em, JoE!

Brian, shut up!

Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star! Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby?

36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body. Come on. I'll show you around. Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop?

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)

Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad! (CRYING) I just want you to know, Meg, if there's anything you ever want, all you gotta do is ask.

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.

MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary! You must remember this

Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book.

(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.

(GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life!

Thank you so much, Lois. No problem. Meg? Meg, sweetie?

No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this.

Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

Whatever. I just can't help but wonder. Will I ever see him again?

How do you know that? Trust me. I know. You know, Joe, maybe Patrick can actually be of help. I mean, who better to get inside the mind of someone who's strangling fat people than someone who's done it himself? Yeah, give him a chance, Joe. Like I did with scary teenagers. I used to be afraid of 'em, until I realized they were just misunderstood. Hey, fat ass, give me your wallet!

Jackasses. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. Congratulations. Stewie's gonna be on the show. Did you hear that, Lois? We're going to Hollywood! where the people are sexy and clever and they always say something funny right before the commercial break.

He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it! I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke. I see your bet, Carter. And I raise you C.N.N.

Should we take this party to Denny's and hang out with the cast of the high school play? No. I think I'm just gonna go home. All right. You okay to drive? Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll crank the heat, roll up the windows and blast the Lullaby Channel. I'll be fine. All right, take it easy. All right, you, too. Get out of here. Hey! Like your jeans. Thanks. What size are you? Yeah, I don't think we're the same size.

Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl.

Wow, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by. You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

(SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING) (SIGHING)

The horse is right behind the car.

Carter, as your boss, I'm ordering you to pay a compliment to this sharply-dressed Asian man. You look very nice.

So, remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do. See, Lois? They're responsible. Hey! Hey, Check it out, Chris. I can write my name in the snow.

So we're a little in the red right now. But you got to spend money to make money, champ. Moving on. All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

Lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise. You can't stop me from modeling, Peter. This is important to me. I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that?

You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter.

What are you doing, Joe? You're embarrassing us.

In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay

and we want you to become a member. - Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent. You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet. You'll be kept as healthy as a horse. So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it?

And Ramona Quimby are My life is sweeter With my new friend Peter You're a lotus eater Now that you're a superstar It used to be

Peter, we're in Asiantown. Well, at least I don't have to worry about the evil monkey here. Well, If we're gonna hide out here in Asiantown, we have to find a place to live.

You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

I tell you, I know something about paint. I once met Jackson Pollock. How do you know when you're done with a painting? How do you know when you're done making love? Oh, when you wash your penis in the sink and go to bed.

Mom, it's been three months. When is Dad gonna get better? Chris, I've already explained this to you. Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover. PETER: Lois! Bring me another beer, please! (SIGHS)

How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

Getting a little cloudy out here Looking like we might have some weather Then we go to E minor Oh, definitely got some weather Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first And then we go back to my house You sound like an unbelievable douche. Then Brian comes in

Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

It's not Michael I'm upset about! Well, what is it, then? I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her.

What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!

It was either do it their way or get canceled. Well, at least then you would have had your integrity.

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it.

You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC And if you find yourself With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS)

Oh, Look. My very own lion! Oh, My God! Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Lois, you're getting your tubes tied. Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy. First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way. Peter, it's the male equivalent of a woman getting her tubes tied, except, it's actually a lot quicker and safer. Let these guys explain.

He's got, like, a windsock thing going on. So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Look, Zack, i'm--I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this. I mean, i--I've been around. You know, i've--I've licked my share of peanut butter. But i--I just think you need to find yourself a new director.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And here's John Wayne Gacy at the first Thanksgiving. "I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look. Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your...

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb... (SHUSHING) Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. - Does he have a wife? - Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, God! I think I just miscarried!

Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Well, I really like all the guys. But some of them seem a little too competitive.

That's fantastic! They still got that new leg smell. I put his old legs in a bag, if you want them. Oh, great. You know, we'll take 'em home. We'll give 'em to Brian. Come on, Joe. I'll drive you home. Are you kidding? I've got working legs for the first time in 15 years, and I'm gonna use them. I'm walking home. I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson, hospital rules.

anyone can appear to be psychic. Even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic, and I'm getting a strong feeling from you. Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works? Wow. I used to have a watch that broke. You see, just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people,

I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done. (GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES PLAYING)

In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

(CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING)

La, la, la, la, la Bop, ba, da, da, da, da, da, da, da La, la, la, la, la, la Boy, you wouldn't guess from that smile that all his kids were stillborn.

Wait. What the hell's going on? What do you mean, I ruined television? You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape.

I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox.

Your breath and this squash racquet. (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) I like kangaroos. Oh, sure you do. Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you a kangaroo T-shirt. And she wants me to come over to her house tonight to work on a special project.

Well, Go on. Hot-wire it! Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! Oh, for God's sake! Hurry up! You did it! Wait. Put it back. I like that song.

(CROWD CHEERING) I'll finish it later.

Put me down, you blunderbuss! He's a little cranky from teething. Ah, I can fix that. Good God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed! There you go. My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache.

I got him! Ha, ha, ha! It's just like hunting. Chris, stop it! What will the neighbors think? Abner! Abner! The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer!

"I alone had reached the target objective, "thanks to the intrepidity "I developed at testicular boot camp. "But it was a trap! "I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for 9 grueling months."

Damn thing can't tell the difference. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name?

So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you. I'm just saying this war is wrong. Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. Your job is to follow orders. Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? They followed orders. You're saying our troops are like the Nazis?

I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan. Do I at least call him Jon? No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys?

Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa. Oh, Sonny, those were crazy times. My friends and I were out of control.

(SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT)

You're so pretty. I miss you. (GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up!

(SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

(CAWING) All right. Let's take a break. Your back's getting all sweaty. Sorry. Does that. All right. Now, let's go over what we've learned. Naked chicks. Best? Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business. Good. Worst?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? I think They had a meeting about it last night. Why wasn't I told? Well, They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so y-you didn't, uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

Dear diary. Jackpot!

Hello, old friend. (SCREAMING) What the hell?

Ouch. Well, Brian, looks like you're the odd man out, like a non-praying mantis. Bless us, O Lord, for these gifts we are about to receive. Help us to be mindful of all our blessings, and... (MUNCHING)

Oh, God, my life is over. I am the biggest loser I know! I know how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, tOO. It's a girl! Can you check again? You just have to remember that life has its little ups and... Jeez!

Come on, that's right, you bastard. Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here.

Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy. Well, you've effectively ended my reign of coolness, haven't you?

Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear on your pants, there. Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact, but you're just not gonna listen, are you? My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to kill you.

Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you! God, she's a pain in the ass! I wish Dad was still dead. I'll tell you, Lois' dad was a pain in the ass when I met him.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

Whoa! Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

You're like a black woman in hindsight.

Hey, what are you doing? Lois, where is my Red Bull? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden.

The doctor says you're going to be fine. And your family's on the way. But that was a crazy thing you did, Meg. I know. I'm... I'm so sorry. I just wanted us to be closer.

And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos.

(LAUGHING NASALLY)

by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard,

Dad, please don't do this! You can't make him marry me! I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

(SCREAMING) Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my tree house.

And now, the embryos will be inserted.

Peter, I want you to meet your family. You're my family? That's right. These are your children. Dad, I'm Chris. I'm your son. Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible!

I'm gonna be on a cereal box. Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no! Now pay attention, Junior. You want to keep your shoulders straight and your knees bent,

Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain

(LAUGHING) Sir, we have a confirmed crash. Flight 37 is down. We'd better alert the mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op. My Pet Goat, page one. "'You know,' said my pet goat, "'I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it,

Put me down, you blunderbuss! He's a little cranky from teething. Ah, I can fix that. Good God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed! There you go. My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache. My tooth hurts!

Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking,

Death, that was totally worth it. It was even better than the time I stumbled into that fat, lonely women's club.

Is that ok with you? Because your opinion matters, too.

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad.

I want to have a baby with you. And I want to be there when you die giving birth to it. And so ends the tale of Griffin Peterson and the founding of Quahog. Well, what a bunch of delightfully colorful characters! So, is that it?

(GLASS CRACKS) And an untreated flesh wound. Aah! (GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like.

Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats. And it plays a tune that's fun for the young children. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta

See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that, but, essentially, Brian's right. Being Jewish doesn't really have to change you or your family's life. Well, I guess you're right. There's no reason things should be any different around here.

KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom. ...1940s roller skate left in the hall. ...death by chocolate... No, no, leave it in. ...had a heart attack and have slipped into a coma. KENNETH: Here we go. In that case, I leave control of my company, Pewterschmidt Industries, to my daughter Lois.

Wow. You went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself. I went to Brown. My incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown. What year did you graduate? Well, I mean, I didn't technically graduate. (GASPING) You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired!

Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today.

Huh. Hard to believe your marriage isn't working out. A rose for the gentleman? What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense?

(CHEERING) Get up, you jerk. (CHEERING LOUDER)

Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) We're no strangers to love

(ARGUING) What the hell? All right, looks like we's gonna be here a while.

Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down! Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. (CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores! - Hey! - ahh! Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right.

Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work. (MUSIC FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PLAYING)

Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian. All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century. People are tolerant. Well, this is nothing. Probably just a random act of violence.

Strange. These conventions usually have Segway parking. Hello? Am I too late for the tttKA?

What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on. Mmm-hmm. The black dolphins. See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down. I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson. And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line.

Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me.

Lois, where the hell you going? I'm going back home to Quahog, where I belong. If any of you want to come with me, you're welcome to. First of all, you sat in something green and it's on your butt, so no one's gonna follow you. And second, no one's gonna leave a place where there are tons of beakers for a place where there are zero beakers. Peter, don't you see? We left Quahog because of the crime problem.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Mr. Herbert. I want you back. Please, will you be my paper-customer again? Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass.

Have a go, Brian. As Mr. H. L. Mencken said "The common man's a fool" And just like Helen Keller said... (MUMBLING) But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear Hey!

Look, there's a magical land of desserts right behind you. (BOTH LAUGHING) Help! Stop!

Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News. Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that?

Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on! Hey, Hey, show me Morgan Fairchild in Deep something. Huh? Huh? Huh? Ah, You don't care. Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready? Yes, Mr. Griffin, even though no one else has any pillows now.

Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS)

This is humiliating. Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. No, I don't. I quit! Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me! Hey! Hey! Don't you start running! W-Wait, Meg! Meg! Get off that bus. Don't you go to La Guardia. Meg, Meg! listen to me.

(SCREAMING) (GASPS) Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it! (SOBBING)

Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

- You can both suck my ridges. - Get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.

Why are you bringing me down? Don't bring me down Music and lyrics by Stewie Griffin. Hey, Swanson, the boss is getting impatient. He wants his money. He says after we're done with you, you're gonna be eating... Swanson TV... TV... Wait.

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay. If you want to teach us a lesson... Yeah, that's even better. All right, if that's what you... Wait a minute!

Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting? Well, excuse me for being retarded. My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white.

Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

There's the guy who sits beside you And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list

Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils. Oh, uh, Hey, kids. I'm, uh, uh, Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas. But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian. Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him. Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian.

Dry plain? Dusty field? Nice to get out of the swamp? What a croc! And that's where we get the term. Hey, New Brian. Bad news. You gotta leave. Huh? What are you talking about?

(TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.

Where are you? Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

and you blow it. We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf. B-by--By the 3rd season, I was completely wasted all the time. I--i--I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But, uh, would I do it all again?

Oh, my God. I don't believe it! I'm gonna have a three-way! This even tops sex with a mermaid. Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!

You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.

He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement. Do you know why I stopped you? I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding. (LAUGHING)

Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.

Well, Peter, I'm glad you're all right, but I hope this is the end of your skydiving career. Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois. You know, when I thought I was gonna die, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and we did way too much Star Wars crap.

Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him.

Oh, my. Tomatoes are $3.99 a pound. That's so high. Isn't that high? It seems so high. Oh, This is interminable! I demand to know why you insist on taking me everywhere you go! I mean, Really! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself?

(MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)

Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man.

Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot!

Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now?

So, how's it hanging? Okay. Hey, what you got here? Oh, Maxim. That Jessica Biel sure is a cutie. You were masturbating when I came in. Yeah. - So, how's it hanging? - Get out! Gotcha.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Who's laughing now? I got my hat. Hey, guys. I stopped at Pinkberry and I got some for everybody. Wow, thanks! You're welcome. I gotta go put on my face for press interviews. Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone? Oh, sure. (STATIC BUZZING) Thanks.

I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!

Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok. He-- Wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em! Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.

I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along. I thought you hated my guts. Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts. Well, then what the hell are we doing out here? I thought we were gonna kill him. Ahhh! So, Jeff, do you like loud sentences?

Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later.

His eyes are bluish Bright and I love you-ish And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude Peter, my boy Yes

Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes. I'm telling you, Joe, he's as annoying as mosquitoes in the summertime.

You son of a-- Ahh!

Oh, my God! (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel! She was so young. She was so beauti... She was so gener... We were married.

(ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea.

Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice. Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there?

Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!

You ready to have sex? You bet. Move over, so Tiffani and I have room.

Everyone, guess what. What? I have been selected. For what? Oh, nothing too important. Just jury duty! They have summoned me. I am part of an elite group of individuals deemed intelligent enough to decide the fate of a fellow citizen.

Mmm, I know where I go when I want to relax. I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!

I think we lost them. You stay here. I'm gonna go bury this film. Well, Mel Gibson, this is one piece of crap the world will never have to suffer through. I am so clever. That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war.

Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming!

You know what? I bet my ways would seem just as foreign to you. BRIAN: Stewie, I got a flea thing going on in here! Where the hell's my Frontline? (SIGHS) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ALL: Ah, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la

Well, I don't really deserve it so I've decided to share it with my brothers! Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys.

And the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million of their people, which is like 200 9/11's. So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you. I'm just saying this war is wrong. Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. Your job is to follow orders. Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did,

You're damn right.

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you."

Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes. Well, here I am trying to help you with something... You know what, I don't need your kind of help, all right? Have a great assault. Jerk.

What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

Mom, this party sucks. I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old. Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together. And he says he's got a big surprise for you. Hey, kids, I'm Pee-Pants, the inebriated hobo clown. I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can.

Because not only do condoms fail 100 percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would you? STUDENT: No.

That this is not H.I.V. But full-blown AIDS Not H.I.V., but really Full-blown AIDS I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious But it's AIDS

Moving around all single file and stupid.

Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois,

What do you think we should we do with it? I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. Oh, We can dish, talk about who's getting fat.

Good morning, this is Principal Sloan. Mr. Griffin, you be been reassigned. Please report to Rem edial English. Reassigned? Can I at least come down to your office and talk to you about this? No. I'm afraid I'm far too busy today. Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower.

And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair. (ALL GASPING) What? Carter, is this true? Yes, it's true. Oh, dear! (SOBBING)

God's watching me do number 2? oh, man. I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert. - Megan! - Aah! How was school?

That family is the pinnacle of high society.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this. Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God. I thought we were friends.

I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time.

Aw, Don't cry, sweetheart. I'll--I'll make it up to you. You remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well, I bought him. And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise! Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

Oh-oh. Peter, if you'd just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this.

Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night! What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

I just want to kill myself!

This has been Tricia Takanawa with the news. And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car. You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like washing board! Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad.

I feel kind of guilty that I'm here looking for a date. Thelma, stop that. You have a right to be happy. And there's a lot of great people here. Why don't you mingle? Oh, my God, Lois, you single now? (CHUCKLES) No, Glenn, I'm here with Thelma. Who's Thelma? This is Thelma. Ew!

Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner. Well, that sounds lovely.

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my!

Who? Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!

What's moose stuff? Whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake. And everything in between. Get in.

(STRAINING) Okay, you think you can fit anything else in your mouth? Uh-uh. All right, so now let's start filling up some other places.

I just say hooray And if you're not from here God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS USA!

And as long as we're freezing things, why don't you toss this ice cube tray full of orange juice in there? And be careful with the toothpicks. Lando, Lando. Lando! Be careful with the toothpicks.

- ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no... (BRAYING)

(TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)

So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Peek-a-boo! I see you!

Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

"I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me? Yeah. P.S... Oh, oh, Hold on a second.

Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.

So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum. And this is for laughing and looking at the camera... during every sketch you've ever been in. Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you? You haven't earned what she's earned, buddy.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own. Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.

Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary. What'd I miss?

Yeah, sorry, Brian. My psychic warned me you were gonna bite somebody, and I didn't want to see that happen. Okay, that's it. This psychic nonsense has gone way too far. What do you mean "nonsense"? Lois, there is no such thing as a person who is psychic. And though it's tempting to want to believe in something that brings you comfort, the reality is you're just being totally naive.

Well, okay, uh, for one thing, they always land on their feet. Watch. So? Big deal. Dogs do that, too. Here, go ahead, do what you just did, but with me. Ow! Oh, my God! (BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Call somebody! Oh! We need one of those boards they use for football players!

No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth.

You're the first person to recognize me in 2,000 years. Well, you seem like a nice guy. Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone.

I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!

You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankinD. What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead. I forgot my purse.

You can let go of my hand now. You can let go of mine. - ah! - Ow! ahh! ugh!

I'll pay. I'm gonna pay for us. You'll get it next time. Yeah! So, you were in prison, right? Killed a man? I'm sure it was in self-defense. No, I just felt like killing. (LAUGHING) Ah! You tell the best stories! Me and my three eggs are having the best time!

Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

She... She has this eating disorder. She's bulimic. My God! That's horrible. I know, it really is. I mean, her hair is falling out. - Last week, she lost a tooth. - Really? But man, I'll tell you, all that purging just makes her body look fantastic. I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and so many of them just look so great.

Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me. You love me, and you know it. Hey, hey, mouth, young lady. Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg?

Oh, Screw it. I tried.

Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together. Oh, Yes. Very well. All right. Um... "You see, Margaret. "After 20 odd years of marriage, "your curious indiscretions no longer phase me."

Oh, Do me! Do me next! Come on, baby girl. Let's go to the park.

Hey! Like your jeans. Thanks. What size are you? Yeah, I don't think we're the same size. Yeah, we'll figure it out tomorrow. Come on, Brian. You ready to go home? No, Peter. I'm gonna go meet Jenny's cats. What are you talking about? You hate cats. I'm going to meet her cats. Jeez, all right. Okay. All right.

"Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987. ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen...

(SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed.

One minute to opening, everybody. Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap? Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete, like white track stars. On your marks. Get set. White guys, go! I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif Bar before we started. Everybody else!

Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS)

Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff.

Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah.

but I am completely lost. Lois, you said there would be other men my own age here. But there aren't, and I'm bored. Look, Peter, why don't you just grab a book off the shelf and be quiet? No! Books are jerks. Stop acting like a brat.

Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club. Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom.

Wow! I feel so socially accepted. Hey, do you have any other friends you want to invite to your party?

Don't let him sweet talk you like that.

Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union.

Everyone's looking for them.

First you get to run Somalia, now this.

I've missed too many other opportunities.

Peter, what's wrong? That obvious? Well, you always do the skull gag when you're depressed. Talk to me.

(SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian. Hide! PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go Round and round Round and round

Who is the doctor? Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away. Yeah, definitely. Maybe it's a my-two-dads kind of situation? Right. Like they don't know which one was the real father, so they both call themselves Dad. So, wait, were both the guy in the car and the doctor biological parents?

Garfield, 1982.

Wilson! What are we gonna do now? WiLson! WiLson! My name is Voit, dumb ass.

(BAWLING) Ugh. Get a tan.

Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton.

(ROARING) (ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

We have a caller on the line. Go ahead. Yes, yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can? Quiet--quiet-- Quiet. Shut up-- Shut up. Um, well, You'd better let him out! That's hilarious.

I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg? Oh, well, My boyfriend, Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter.

(THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)

Yeah, I know. I messed up bad. I'm really sorry, Jerome. We're cool, Peter. We're cool. But, listen, there is something I got to fess up to. While I was living with y'all, I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

- This is white bread. - Yeah. So? Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? No. This was cheaper. I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. Our kids eat... (SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, I promise you, it's fine. Lois. Lois, Lois. I will decide what is best for my child, all right?

Citizens of Ouahog, we have a problem! You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair! Settle down, Jeffrey! Justin. Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before. And they can be stopped! You can't stop us, Mayor West! PETER: We are all-powerful!

And I met my wife in the service. We had our honeymoon on Alderaan. Good thing we took pictures, huh? (LAUGHING) RECRUITMENT ANNOUNCER: The Empire, chasing Rebel scum, killing Luke's aunt and uncle, telling people to move along. The Empire, our ships are big triangles.

Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement. Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you? Hello, I'm, uh, Stephanie Griffin. Hi, Stephanie. What's your talent? I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time.

Well, You could have given me some warning! Here's your warning. It's gonna burn like hell in 30 seconds. Now, I like my tea at 4:00, my dinner at 6:00. I take my bath at 7:00 sharp, so I can listen to Paul Harvey. You Will warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials only. It's gonna take you A while to get the rhythm. Paul Harvey moves seamlessly into commercials. By the way, it's been 30 seconds.

He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then that's the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase. Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here,

So, uh, Lando, how old did you say you were again? 17. And--And a half.

Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there.

Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!

Hey, you ever just drive through a town and wonder, "Who the hell lives here?" All the time. Look at this place. I mean, what's going on? There's an adult with a lemonade stand. That Chinese restaurant still has the sign from when it was a mechanic. I don't want to eat lo mein where they were just changing mufflers. There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window.

Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian.

Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh?

How is this even possible?

What the hell? El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company? Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children! Well, What do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. Timmy, where's Lassie?

That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!

(PRAYING IN HEBREW)

They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways.

Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

She's gone! We lost her. Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois.

So, you're right, I guess I am a moron.

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

Wow, this is the one you have been waiting for, huh, Brian? (CHORTLING) Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian? You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone. Come on, let's go out dancing. I don't know. I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow.

(EXCLAIMING) But don't take my word for it. Just ask my little friend Ziggy! Hi! I'm Ziggy the zygote. I'm looking forward to being an active member of your community. Can I hug you? (LAUGHING) Of course you can, Ziggy! Because even though they're not visible yet,

Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem. What? What is it?

Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You can stop having fun!

When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

(ALL SCREAMING) Where're we going? Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. We're going to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance?

Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya It chews so soft, it gets right to ya Juicy Fruit The taste, the taste, the taste is gonna move ya

(SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not. Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done. Can I go now?

You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh!

On the western side of Quahog If you'd care to come along There's a club that's so exclusive That the line is 10 miles long

(LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

(GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE PLAYING) I don't believe in frettin' and grievin' Why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to step and strut out Give me the simple life

Damn! Not even a second glance! This is what you call "dolled up"? Listen, why don't you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens and a plaid flannel shirt?

We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat.

Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love.

Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth!

Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father.

Wow, that's some very impressive work. It's easy for Meg to dissect a pig because she is a pig. (LAUGHING) Hey! All right, I'll let that one slide. Meg, you have some real potential. Have you ever thought about becoming a doctor when you grow up? I always just assumed I'd work on the docks. Don't limit yourself, Meg. Doctors wear a mask most of the time.

(GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.

What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it.

Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

Uh, Can I swim with my shirt on? No. You can't swim with your shirt on. W-Wait a second. What are you hiding under your shirT? Do you have bruises? Did somebody hit you? Lois, what did you do to my son? Will you keep your voice down? You're embarrassing him. What are you talking about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this. Hey, Hey, everybody!

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman."

Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely.

Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island. Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.

Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up. All right, can we go now?

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it. Oh, crap! Did I miss it? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times,

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip. There ain't nothing funny about four pictures of the Capitol Building and all that writing. What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois. Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about. And you'll see you're being taken for a ride, like a snail on the back of a turtle.

Everybody got your balls? I don't have my shoes. Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes? I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.

That's what the Wright brothers did. So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing? Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind. And who cares? He's probably off in a barn somewhere working on a contraption - with that weird brother of his. Ew. (BOTH GIGGLING) ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch. You're so pretty. I miss you.

Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay. (STAMMERING) Yes, I am. Well, I'm something 'cause I've been at full-sail for the last half hour. No, Glenn, you're not. I see that now, and the truth is, if you're willing to go this far to get a divorce, then maybe we shouldn't be married after all. What... What are you saying?

Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Not so good, Peter. Yeah, me either.

(SIGHS) Son of a bitch. If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt. What is it, Lois? I was watching... Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing? Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum?

Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right!

If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay. Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay. He was not. He had a mustache, which is practically like a wedding ring. I imagine you're gonna be much more of a stern father now that you have a mustache. Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been, and I might answer most of your questions with a story,

Ooh it up A party

Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this.

Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh? Huh? Would it not?

Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur.

And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito! Hey, guys. Well, it's been great to meet you all. And I am looking forward to getting to know you while we're here.

All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to?

No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg.

Ah, very Asian.

You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere... of something exactly like this that leads me to believe this probably won't work. All right, Stewie. Let her rip. All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

(LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Peter, you just need to show what a good father you are. Then you can get the kids back from Cleveland. Wait a second, Brian. You're right. And the best way to do that is to show what a terrible father Cleveland is. This plan is so perfect, it's retarded. Good evening. l'm Dan Rather.

He ain't got no legs.

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along. I thought you hated my guts. Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts.

That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag. Oh, no. Privateers. No doubt they're after my sugar cane, tobacco and spices. Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.

What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

MAN ON TV: We now return to 19th Century British Girls' Various Reactions to Their Older Sister's Engagement, on PBS. Did you hear? I am to be married! Hooray! When am I to find a gentleman to wed? Well, I don't know why anyone should want to marry. Oh, Emily, a fortnight in town will make you a match.

Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

Fear not. Someday word will reach you about the success of me, the great Eskimo actor, Jennifer Love Hewitt! Bring pride to our village! Send firewood.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING)

Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!

Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Maybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet, and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks! That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

You didn't tell her? Look, I told you she was gonna kill herself. What was I supposed to do?

He won't go to sleep without it. I threw it away. What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.

- Are you queer? - Probably.

Oh, boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap. Ew! Dad! We don't want to sit here and look at your ass.

Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn. But, Father, I didn't mean... Wait. Did you say "a porn"?

what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.

No. Are you insane?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone.

Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology,

You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A

Hey, look. A manatee!

Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement. Ahem. Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors. - Amen! - Right on! Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could.

Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today. (SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain. But he didn't wish hard enough! It only worked on me head!

Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it!

(FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

Oh, my God! That... You know, that is a tough road ahead. I mean, like, what do those people do as far as relationships and sex and stuff? I don't know. I mean, it's got to be a train wreck down there, right? I mean, just an absolute casserole of nonsense. Is she over there right now? We should go take a look. No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott. Oh, damn! I was just there.

Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie.

He's a nice guy. I like him. Oh, honey, that sounds awful. I know what will cheer you up. You want to scratch my pet rabbit, Steven, on his nose with your index finger? I like rabbits 'cause you can pull their ears back and make them look like Asian people. (IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC) Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!"

Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God!

Good afternoon, everyone. As you know, we of the Christian faith believe that Jesus is not really dead, but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

I don't wAnna wait For our livEs to be over Boy, miss jacobs,

King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand.

(Pastor) Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. Daddy, I'm gonna miss you. Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too. But you're makin' a scene. All our friends are here.

They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.

I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple.

Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to-- I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie.

All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, what are we gonna do? They're gonna keep us locked up here forever! We're not staying in here forever. We're getting out of here. How? We're breaking out. What? Look, sometimes in life, you got to say, "What the hell," and just go for it. I mean, that's how we won the Revolutionary War.

Well, let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston. Oh, my God, this plane is awesome, Quagmire. Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous.

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.

Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go... (EMITS FARTING SOUND) Lois, don't worry about it. I got a bunch of great new shows lined up. STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood. Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you.

She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right. I have a very tough time standing up in the car. Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together.

Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame.

Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40.

Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine!

(LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen. Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

Hey, you guys, this says a King of Kings will be born in Bethlehem, and we are to go and pay tribute. Hey, let me see that. This says, "Three Magi or Resident." I don't think they really care if it's us. Yeah, I don't want to go, either. Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow? We're off to Bethlehem! (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS) Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this.

Stay out of the cat box.

It would be like Raisin Bran, but it's not Raisin Bran. That would be like Total with raisins in it. That's just splitting hairs here. It's not really doing it for me. What time did you say your flight was?

Lois, am I glad to see you. I have nothing to say to you, Peter. I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way.

Where are you taking this thing? Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138. You think you could get me a room by the pool? (LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star. (MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in. There it is, 2187.

PETER: Hey, Stewie. You got a minute for your daddy? Get out of here, you spineless oaf! Oh, and by the way, I faked all those bowel movements. Brian, I feel awful. Stewie and I were getting along so good and now he hates me. How do I get him to like me again? Well, that depends. Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?

I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor.

Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!

Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me. MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do.

(CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap. Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime.

MAN: Drakkar Noir.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

He can sing? Yeah, runs in the family. See, look. I am Peter Griffin I like fancy food I like reading comic books and dressing like a dude Yeah, rock and roll! (SCREAMING)

About the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat stinking drunk. FRANCIS: Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. What? You're a fat, stinking drunk. Yes, from what he's told us that's right on the money. Challenge him, you must. And I'm Hayden Christensen.

Hi, is Mr. Donald Nguyen there, please? And is he the head of the household? Ifl can just have a few moments of your time.... Hello? Oh, Brian, there you are. Can I talk to you about something?

And then I finished scrubbing the kettle, but then I saw that I had missed a spot. And, oh, I was so worried that the whole thing wasn't clean enough, so I went back and started washing it again.

It's the end of the world as we know it

Da-doo I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago. Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face. Had to poo Sha-doop-a-doop-a-doo And he stepped into that box there and suddenly there was a big flash of light.

And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud! What? I'm fun.

Hey, I hate you too, bitch.

I mean, you're doing stuff, and I think that's great!

She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back,

I'm more off-putting. No, I'm more off-putting. I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. Well, I'm a bigger box office drag. Kids, kids. You're both... Just awful.

Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.

The bad news is it takes 2 weeks for delivery. You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight? You cannot tell Lois about this. Oh, And what if I do? I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress. You said there was no film in that camera! Come on, Stewie. It's time to change your diaper. Uh, Mind if I watch?

Why are we watching TMZ? I hate this show. Keep watching. So what do you got? I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom at his nephew's play in Rhode Island. PETER: Richard! Hey, Richard! Hey, can I get your autograph? (SIGHS) Fine. You have a pen and paper?

(WHISTLES) You think this is gonna work? Oh, yeah. Those Ewoks had all of five minutes to get things prepared. I'm sure it's all gonna work out fine. (HORNS BLOWING)

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

You'll never take me alive! - Aren't you gonna run? - I would, but I don't want my gym teacher to laugh at me. He's been following me around since junior high.

Peter! What is our infant son doing up on the roof? STEWIE: There's a raccoon up here.

Instead it's just traffic and some big guy using a jackhammer. But monsieur, this is not a jackhammer. It is a Jacqueshammer. (DRILLING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

The car alarm. "What?" You're kidding. Well, viewers, to top it off, that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing. Phil, Phil, just open it... Unlock the doors. You don't have to put the key in the ignition. Well, open the driver's side first. Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, and there's nothing we can do about it. Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time.

(COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING) Here you go, Meg. I don't want them. Take them. Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those? - No. - Oh, God.

I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch T.V. anymore. All the shows are starting to run togetheR. This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H".

woo-hoo! Baby! 12 in a row! Wow, You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you. I can't believe how terrific you look. Thanks. I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime.

All I'm saying is that in the episode "Relics," when Scotty rematerialized on the Jenolen, he referenced Captain Kirk still being alive, which is ridiculous because he knew he watched him die on the Enterprise B in Star Trek: Generations. There's a perfectly simple explanation. He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation,

All right, Look, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. But We need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. Now, My psychiatrist gave me these pills. They're mood elevators. I-I think they could help, uh, even us out. We're not taking pills. It's not natural. Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Mull! Give us the pills!

So before you decide I don't belong here, remember this, I was there! Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is!

Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns. Is that a baby? Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke!

he didn't lose his ability to feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News. Great story, Lois. Thanks. I just made it up.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone.

Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!

Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

after the emotional trauma I've endured on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount. Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office. Well, Then maybe I'll just take my business elsewhere. Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday. - I got cash! - I'll take it! Suit yourself. Hey, Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place. Hey! hey!

Dad, the doctor called. Your test results are in. This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all. My--My nephew drew my portrait. It doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, Look at the nose. It's all-- Will you just tell us about Peter's tests?

here's your walkie, and here's your stud-finder. (IMITATES BEEPING) Oh, well, it's working. All right, joke time is over. Work time has begun. You get started with this drywall, and I'm gonna start pulling out those old floorboards in the kitchen. Hey, Brian. Knock, knock. Who's there? (WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together.

All the time. Meg, what the hell? I was watching that. It's time for Kirk Cameron. And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God. Again, Meg? You know, I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in, but there's such a thing as moderation. Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever.

Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.

Heh, Look at that, Lois. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me.

Quick! Into the sewer. Ugh, Good Lord! It's disgusting down here. Oh, Boy, Stewie's got the right idea. Ow, What the hell are you doing? It's wet down there, Brian. Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden.

Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America. Sean, I don't know if that's true. You just contradicted me! You hate America! If I could just get a word in... You hate America! You like the terrorists! Well, I guess you're right again.

Hey, who raked the leaves? And look, somebody mowed the lawn. I was supposed to do that. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard.

Deliver me from my greatest enemy. His name is Peter. More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits. (GIGGLING) Oh, my God.

Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one.

You were a good sport this year, Quagmire. Well, you know, Peter, it's all in good fun, right? You know, my grandfather used to have a saying... (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Holy crap, you speak Ebonics? No, no, Peter, it's Japanese.

Peter, you and I need to talk about Quagmire. He's been living with us for over a month, and I think it's enough now. Lois, I'm the whole reason he lost his job and his house. Besides, I can't throw my best friend out on the street like a prom night dumpster baby.

How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch.

Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks,

I am the biggest loser I know! I know how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, tOO. It's a girl! Can you check again? You just have to remember that life has its little ups and... Jeez! We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. There it is.

Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country, but the record wouldn't allow it. But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. And that's where Chris came into the picture. So, you got it all figured out, do you? You couldn't leave well enough alone. You won't fire at me, Chris, you don't got the stomach for it. (LAUGHING) I'm sorry, Dad.

What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off. Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie.

I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.

Minutemen, present arms! Load weapons! boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out! Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

I can't believe how terrible the fishing was. Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches.

- Mosquito. - Bite.

Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some Great Tits.

How are we going to find him now? We got nothing.

Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, trust me.

But we stink as a duo 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts And you get a kick out of stroking your-- W-w-whoa! Y-You can't say that on T.V.! What, Ego? Never mind. We're too different to ever be pals

...my super-strength... ...or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails... ...we have a responsibility to use these powers properly... ...and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand? Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it.

Like this morning, Lois was such a pain in the ass... Hey! That's my daughter you're talking about! Oh. I mean,

You did it, Stewie. You did it. (SIGHS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mom, Dad, this is Scooter.

Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards! I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee! Sheesh, Cleveland, your kid's a natural. With a little help, he could be a pro. Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr. sit still for anything.

You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was... That was just unpleasant. Sorry about that. It's okay. You know what, Bill? You were right. Ever since you and I have been hanging out, I feel 20 years younger. You've completely changed my life. See, I told you, Peter.

You're safe here in your crib, surrounded by all the things you love.

All right, I'm gonna nail this home. (JOE GROANS) Oh, this is so humiliating, I'm about to be an adult man crying. (JOE SOBBING LOUDLY)

No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.

Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect!

Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!

I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself. Dad? (PETER WHINING) Dad? Dad? (PETER WHINING)

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES)

Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots.

At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream. What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste.

Ooh! Mustache Aficionado. Wow, look at these men! What class. What grace. And all because of a little upper-lip hair. Lois, I am gonna grow a mustache. Then I'll have it made, like the Monopoly guy. Except when he goes directly to jail.

Yes, I am, Lois, but where? Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I got to figure you're in there. How do you know, Lois?

Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil.

Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

The Drunken Clam? W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.

Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky

(SNIFFING) Whoa! Sorry about that. Bad girl, Holly. No jumpies! Oh, it's... It's quite all right. Wow, okay, this is ridiculous. And you go here. You, you naughty little wire, you're supposed to be over here. How did you get over there? Oh, yeah.

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night

Get me the president of television!

I can work with either. No, no, he's dead. He's dead.

Pull! Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson? Uh, Which Janet Jackson? Velvet Rope. Yeah, That one. Pull! Peter, What the hell are you doing with that thing?

Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho! We're fucked. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

- No. - Fat ass? - Yeah. - That's terrible. We're gonna have to use some cortisone on that. Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game. Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here.

I can see now that you're a complete psycho!

Sounds like somebody wants to die.

Victory is mine! aah! God damn it. UGh.

My God. I-I shall cherish this forever. I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. Sure! What did you learn?

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?

You do? Who? Well, there's only one person I know who likes to strangle fat guys,

Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.

(SCREAMS) Rupert! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no!

You know, she bought me something yesterday, but i--I am not going to tell you what it is. I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes.

It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along.

Ugh! What do you want?

That's the name of a champagne. No. No. Terrible. These are all just terrible! Relax, God. You want me to get y'all some wine and cheeses? Wait, what'd you just say? Cheeses. You want some cheeses? And that's why you're allowed to eat as much mozzarella as you want in any church.

Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam. Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker!

Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life.

We Have A Gang shooting on Third and Main. 3 wounded, 1 dead. Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?

What was it like having the privilege of performing the words of Oscar winner Diablo Cody? She's a goddamn over-priced call girl who got lucky once. (EXCLAIMS) That doesn't sound like an interview answer. Say something nice about Diablo Cody. I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC

I understand. Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see. Let me ask you a question. You ever sit on your arm till it falls asleep and then play with yourself and pretend like somebody else is doing it? Honestly, yes. Not anymore you don't, 'cause you're going out with my daughter.

Mr. Mayor, I promise you this. Next election, I'm gonna run against you, and I'm gonna win. All right, Mrs. Griffin, you wanna take me on, fine. But if you plan to beat me, you'll have to...

Come on. Come on. Go away! We now return to....

Stop acting like a brat.

Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.

Great workout, Bobby. Up yours, sack breath! That's "Mr. Griffin."

I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. There's no conflict in this movie!

I have an announcement to make.

Look, i--I'm not insensitive, Lois. But I just don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just because the dog's a cokehead. We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab. We'll just have to wait till next year. Aw, Man! Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med. Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot

Oh, my God, did you see? Did you see how old and ugly they are? Oh, my God, that redhead looks like somebody pulled Silly Putty over their knee.

(SINGING PEPPY SONG) Oh, now how the whiz-bang does the rest of it go? Quick! Make something up! (PLAYING FAST-PACED TUNE)

Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur. Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony? No, not tonight, Lois.

Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry!

Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

Yo, what is this bitch trippin' about? Look at our lives, Peter. Look at our family. I don't recognize us anymore. It's time to go back to Spooner St. and be the Griffins again.

The exhaust shaft is only two meters wide, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes. Well, that's impossible, even for a computer. It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters. Hey, uh, can I talk to you privately for a second? Sure.

Nope. Party oF 5? Was that a porno? Hey--hey, Don't worry about it. Sometimes You gotta do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent. Oh, The food here is fantastic.

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING) Meg, there's something we need to talk about. Dad, I swear to God, I thought you could flush those things.

What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that?

I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note. Wh-What about Amelia? She saw everything? You leave her to me. Come on, honey. He's been having accidents.

"Dear Space. Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you?

You're welcome.

First of all, I just want to tell you what a huge fan I am.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I've been so damn busy lately, my schedule's been so packed, I felt like I needed some kind of an errand boy to do all my nitpicky, pain-in-the-ass stuff, so I cloned myself. You... You cloned yourself? What, are you deaf? What... So he's an exact copy of you? Well, not exact. I have to remain superior, so I bred out some of the intelligence, made him sort of a simpleton, you know?

All right, so I got my handgun and I'm just randomly firing it into a crowd of people, and then... And then what? And... Nothing. Nothing. No, no, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story. It's stupid. Stupid story.

Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room. Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father." Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong."

Maybe a lightning bolt, unicorn, something like that? No. I want it all gone, Glenn. All right, we're going Brazilian. Hey, what's this? Some kind of really old coin. Let me see that. Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token. This thing's got to be worth 50 grand.

I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"? No. A "B"? No. C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P? "P"! Peter! My name's Peter!

You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food?

MALE TV ANNOUNCER: And now, Quahog Channel 5 presents "Movie and a Bath with a Guy Named Lou." Hey. It's Saturday night, and you know what that means. We're gonna take a bath and watch the 1984 interesting movie, Gremlins. Now, the gremlins are funny. I don't know if those things are puppets or they put costumes on dogs or something,

Really? What's his name?

Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Well, sure.

Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton...

I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

Peter, I'm 43. Get out of this house.

I mean, her hair is falling out. - Last week, she lost a tooth. - Really? But man, I'll tell you, all that purging just makes her body look fantastic. I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and so many of them just look so great. (JILLIAN RETCHING) Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.

There's no way.... Wait, what? You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

Greetings, man in white. I've been expecting you. Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer.

Victory is mine! aah!

Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly

I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S." Oh, well. Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway.

FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72. Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!

Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please?

Something that you will be able to relate to. There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies. Damn it! This is the third used-record store with that same story. You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners? No.

See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started.

He must have gotten into the chicken feed again. You'd think they'd know it wasn't in their diet, but this is how they find out. You may want to close your mouth. (SOBBING) Meg, what's wrong?

I'm feeling nauseous. I think I got altitude sickness. Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.

All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by. Red Buttons standing by. Redd Foxx standing by. Big Red standing by. SEAN CONNERY: Red October standing by.

She's a vegetable.

Wrong floor. Stormtrooper church. And do you, Allen, take Judith to be your lawfully wedded wife till death or a giant explosion do you part?

(LAUGHING) Doesn't go over. When do I hit her? For crying out loud, just drink this. And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I...

(LAUGHING PLAYFULLY) But I want you to keep talking to me in that sexy voice while we do it. Okay, great.

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore!

24 months in prison? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be I'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the Device!

I mean, wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something, and it actually happened? (INHALES) (PEOPLE CHEERING) I am so happy for me. I deserve this. When do you think the Queen's gonna die?

And to show my appreciation for reading my play, I made you this. Wow, "Good dog." And it's official? That's what it says, doesn't it? I wish my dad was alive to see this.

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?

None of these bears are Rupert. Stewie... (SIGHING) You don't have to say it, Brian. I know. So this is what it feels like to be a grown-up, huh? All alone in the world. Look, Stewie, nothing lasts forever. You and Rupert had some special times together, and you'll always have that.

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die!

When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial.

Hey, hey! It's the Griffins! What can I do for you?

A lot of crazy shit went on last night. Well, we were both drunk. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right. We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend. I don't know what the phrase is. What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition.

Ow! Ugh! Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh!

That's right, Brian. I finally got something better to do with my Saturdays than sit at the mall and watch Japanese girls laugh at normal conversation. So, I drove to work this morning... (GIRLS LAUGHING) ...and I had to stop for coffee. So, there's a Starbucks near my house...

Wrong floor. Stormtrooper church. And do you, Allen, take Judith to be your lawfully wedded wife till death or a giant explosion do you part? Where are you taking this thing?

I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit. Be careful, Meg. (MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.

Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication. And it's not even your name on the label. What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama? And what is... What? What? This is a chicken leg. Are you also making soup? For quinceanera.

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage. Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it?

Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby!

Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this.

Where's my money? Where's my money?

QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead!

Hey, that's not art! Amateur!

It's the PBS show Old Ships. God, I hate PBS. ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil,

I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner. I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it. This is too freaky. Why didn't that thing take us home? I don't know! I told you, it hasn't been fully tested yet. Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure.

Hey, everybody. Guess what I am? Uh, The end result of a drunken backseat grope fest and a broken prophylactic? I'm on the flag-girl squad! Oh Honey, congratulations. Hey, Chris, I bet you can't do this. Ha! I bet I can!

Oh, Wow! A real movie set. Hey, This house looks kind of familiar. I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian! All right, Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from... Oh, my God! Uh, Hey, you guys! Hey, Brian? Can I be in the movie?

Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now If you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings.

Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!

Oh, my God, this place is a dump. Well, let's not be so quick to judge. It says here there's a continental breakfast. Oh, the continent is Africa. Stewie, this place is a complete pit.

And then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douche bags. Peter, we got to do something. You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe.

Welcome home, asshole!

Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight. Roll over. Roll over, I say!

(LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here!

Ahh! Now Give me the other half of the amulet! I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh. Don't, pleaSE! No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth!

Boy, we really did a number on each other. You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I hope that you can forgive me. Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back. And once our injuries heal up, we can all go for a nice, long walk.

I feel like a big boy right now. Yeah, this isn't so bad, right? It's like a very private party. I feel like dancing. Yeah, you know how to move.

Damn you, Entertainment Tonight! Hi, I'm Bob Goen,

Just tell me the truth!

Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will. Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear

I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it! I love Mexicans. I'll do it!

Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you.

You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient? Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain.

Damn it. And this is Meg's brother, Chris.

but you have to catch me first!

Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors. He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history, I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently create it. So the universe never existed!

I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. This is my bit. These are all my bits. (SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" (CROWD LAUGHING)

Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just...

Like when we were dating. That oughta take your mind off the guys.

but I actually used part of my portion to take care of some personal business.

Mr. Griffin, we have different rules here. For starters, no drinking. Period. We start work at 7:00 a.m. sharp. This is your co-worker, Opie. He is a burden of the state, deemed unfit for mainstream society. He is your superior.

Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming!

Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) BOTH: Awesome! You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.

I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man. No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE.

Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you...

Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God!

And date. Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth.

Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

We meet again! Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago. Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny. You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! Sweet dreams, kiddo. You have the power to end this!

These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver. To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics...

Chris, A. Meg, F.

Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the Device!

She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater. I'm just like Barbara Bush!

Which Spanish chick has better jugs. Salma Hayek or the other one?

Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode. ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Excuse me, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but you're no longer a member at this club. Don't worry, he's my guest. Now, look, Peter, just because you're a member now and I'm your guest, that doesn't mean things are going to change between us, right?

I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.

Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along. Bye, new awesome friends.

You're my brother and you'll always be my brother. I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? Yeah. I'm afraid so. Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser!

MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

Victory is mine!

What are you doing here? Loretta's mom was hankering For a snack, so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits. Cleveland! I mean Cheezits.

The Black Knight's next challenger will be Sir Mort Goldman. Oh! Oh! Ugh! Oh, God! I forfeiT! Well, That's it, folks.

(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind,

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action!

(GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started.

(HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE)

Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great. You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you... lubed up...toothpaste in my...cherry... Episcopalian... extension cord...

Hey, is this guy somebody? Yeah, that's James Woods! We got a celebrity here! I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! This is a celebrity! WOODS: Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care not available to the rest of society.

Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.

I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What?

(COINS CLINKING) (BRIAN EXCLAIMING) See you, Stewie. Brian, please, can I go with you? It's so boring here. For the last time, you can't come with me. Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time.

(PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity. God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders?

Oh, dear. Peter, sit down.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell? (AIR HISSING) Looks like it's the radiator.

I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate. What the hell does "rant" mean?

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you? Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops.

But God had other plans, and you were born right there. You were so beautiful, and I loved you, but when I got back home, I was so afraid of being judged by the community that I never filled out the paperwork to make you a citizen.

MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police!

(CONTINUES LAUGHING) I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day. Oh! British guys always capture my butterflies. Yes, and to add insult to injury, I shall present to you my fanny. Sir Chadwell Heath. (LAUGHING)

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd, is she gonna make good on that promise? A broken promise is a lot like a child's pinwheel.

See you on the other side.

- DOG: All right! - BRIAN: Yeah!

Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? To the can, because kissing you made me barf.

Forget it, Peter. You're not turning our living room into a bar.

I'm sorry, we're all booked up because the Slut Convention's in town. - Slut Convention? - Yeah. They were promised a single millionaire, but it's really just a bunch of horny squirrels in a rich-guy suit. So, you made your money in business? Where's your room, handsome?

Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

A vasectomy's a medical procedure One that makes you half a man You're half a man

PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go Round and round Round and round

Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me? You know I do. I want to hear it! Is that what this is all about? Run for your lives! Holy crap! Hot! aah! There's no way out!

I taste lipstick. Am I wearing lipstick? Not anymore.

(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

All right, you guys. I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking... gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. Okay, here we go.

(SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.

Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING)

a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning. Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the sunshine? Are you ready for... (ALL CHEERING) You dirty... (LAUGHING) This is gonna be the best summer ever.

What do you say, Chris? You wanna go fishing with your old man? Do I? Can't go without these.

That Puerto Rican street gang give you any trouble on your way home from school? What Puerto Rican street gang?

Hey, guys. I wrote a song.

I dragged you out here, only to dump you when you needed me the most.

(GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Are you Kate Moss?

Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick. You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel! Well You're one to talk! You've been stuffing your diaper since day one! It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos! Just because your breath reeks of rotten Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to. - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh!

They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas

Wait a second. You're saying that everyone is asked to do jury duty? Yes, Peter. So, then, I'm not special? MAN: Everyone's special, Peter. Rock drummer Tommy Lee! And if your wife ever tells you that you're not special, punch her really hard right in her hepatitis. Thanks, rock drummer Tommy Lee!

And the other children, they were very nasty to me about that. They said bad, hurtful things to me. They called me "Tasty Cakes" and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. Those were very bad times. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you very much.

Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes.

Get 'em! I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not. That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you. Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh!

No. I just got a big tax refund. Uncle Sam sent me $500. I got $600! I got $850! I got a rock.

(Lois) Peter! Lois!

Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence. - You need anything from the market? - PowerBar! What's wrong, Brian? You've just been sitting on the couch ever since you got back from the hospital. You need to get out of the house. I don't know, Lois. I'm a little depressed.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely

And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. That one is also sexual.

I'm gonna try for an uptown girl She's been living in her white-bread world As long as anyone with hot blood can I would like to pawn all these clothes for crack money.

In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles. Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane. Oh, that's just great, Lois. Thanks to you, I missed a moment of television history.

Please, these guys are Betas, they're total animals. Hey, I got one, Peter. What would you rather do? Tread water where you are right now or increase your net worth fivefold within the next 18 months? Huh? What? What are you talking about? Well, my friend Marty is a whiz with chemistry,

Well, if I overload the return pad's reactor, it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe, but it's too risky. But it could get us home. Well, maybe, but it'll break my thing. And if I overload that reactor, we could both die. Well, you at least have to try. And if you don't, I am gonna spend the rest of eternity chuckling at a joke that I am not gonna share with you.

In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time,

One! Two! Three! Did you know where the Ukraine was because of my globe? No, I saw it in a book. You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick. Eight! Nine! Ten!

Here. I made you a present. My God! It's... good. Really good. It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris. Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish. I'd sell my soul to be famous!

They're all blue wires! Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. aah! Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

Okay, let's do this. JOE: Hey.

Oh, yes! Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No!

Better come stop me! That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good! Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me!

Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter.

I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open

Oh, gosh, look who's stuck on the couch again. I'm not stuck on the couch. Okay, Mr. Cranky. One, two, three! There we go! You didn't need me. You did that yourself. Good for you. You need anything else? No, I'm fine, thank you.

Yello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter. What's up? Not much. Well--Well, what do you want? Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. What you thinking about? Wha--What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me! I just wanted to say hi.

Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore, hamburgers, French fries, Cokes. (CHUCKLING) You kids don't know what I'm talking about.

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight And the guys in hooded sweatshirts Have forgotten that they're white Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where a dude can pick a fight

Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.

Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like.

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie.

Hey, Stewie, thanks for coming with me.

Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

This is not fair. Okay. And again, I'm gonna ask one more question, and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis? Yes. Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again. And this time, I decide where the base is.

Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.

No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!" Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage. we've got 5 days left, and I'll not lose my wager.

You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis

Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for? I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch. This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do?

That's Long John Peter to you, porthole. (ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties!

Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank.

Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s. It shouldn't be in this jukebox. Wait, wait, can I have that record? I love that song. I'll let you have sex with my daughter. I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like. She's right there.

I know you got a foot fetish so I got you this Statue of Liberty's foot.

You were so beautiful, and I loved you, but when I got back home, I was so afraid of being judged by the community that I never filled out the paperwork to make you a citizen. Mom, what are you saying?

(THUDDING) Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)

Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.

When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life.

Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.

Don't relax yet, Rupert, those fighters had to have been coming from somewhere.

You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker! (PHONE RINGING) Hi, my name's Classy.

Pick a lane, bitch. (LAUGHS) Isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car. I got to pee. Where's that Snapple bottle? I had a gay experience at camp. We... We had the radio on and they were talking about some goofy stuff. So, what are you... What are you guys drinking? Hey, Peter, you kind of look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.

Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night. Or do you? "Or do you?" She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she? Are you a woman? No. My house arrest is over, Brian. Round up the guys.

Ahhh! (RETCHING) Ahhh!

I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce!

You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part 4.

We'll never get away with that! Oh, we just might. You see, I've got a lucky cat's foot. (TIRES SCREECHING) You know, Peter, it's sort of adding insult to injury raiding Quagmire's fridge for beer after you killed his cat. "Or is it?" is my response.

There's a dog turd in here.

Ooh, that's way too fancy a name for her. Her name should be "Thud" or "Oof."

I say, I say, Ahmed. What is that thing you people do when you're about to assassinate an infidel? Ah, You mean this? Oh, God. Yes, I love that. Stewie! This is insanity!

Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe this! ...what a cavity search is.

MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson, and for some reason, Steve Buscemi.

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois, I'm a worker, I make stuff on things. Oh, I'll file these later. Oh, I got a phone. Nope, that's it. Jeez, Lois, I thought having you here was going to be fun, but so far you are a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington. Oh, man, this is the best party I have ever been to.

You're not worth it. So, listen, if you guys aren't doing anything later, the Chief's throwing me a little party to celebrate my bust. I am going to let Quagmire answer first. Yeah, I'll go. I shall go, too. Great. I'll see you guys tonight.

Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

I'm Louie Anderson!

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000.

For me? Please? All right. All right. But you owe me later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am. Peter, the gifts are hidden in the trunk. Don't forget to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers. All right, All right. Hey, somebody give me a beer. Heads up.

Bye-bye, take care, now. Have a nice day.

Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on. Go ahead, kid. Try it out. Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw. All right!

Oh, Susie! Thank God you're all right! Wait a minute. This isn't my little girl. Hey! That was my wife! tee, hee! tee, hee!

Come on, everybody, over the fence. Ah, yes, a fence. The cripple's natural enemy. I think we lost him.

No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here. Well, no offense to you, Meg,

I was a county alderman once and I never told no fibs. I bent over backwards and forwards for them constituents.

Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

Can I try some Red Bull?

Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Oh, That feels good. Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar? Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah! Gotcha! To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction.

What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down. No. I'm not living my life without a mustache. Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart.

In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. What the hell? Holy crap! I'm black!

Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal. Well, I guess everything's back to normal Oh, man, not this guy again. Oh, man, not this guy again (FARTS) Fart!

It's about staying vigilant until you're needed. What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. Bonnie's your wife. I know. I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night.

Ah hey, I'm David Bowie. Wow, Bo Derek! Oh, Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck! Thank you, Thank you. Yes, Yes. And what's the deal with airline food?

Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie. Well, you met her. What do you think? (SNICKERING) What? What do I think? She's 100! Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her? PETER: I'm looking at her now!

What are you doing? I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me.

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops. Hey, getting some writing done there, buddy? Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay. Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing. Otherwise, what's the point, right? You should totally write that down. Okay. Will you watch me? Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family.

We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.

Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore. You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it!

Boy, this feels really weird, Lois. I know. But maybe the doctor's right. This time apart could be good for us. Ah, I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway.

Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that?

Joe, what the hell is this? Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days the only reason I hung out with you guys is that I was crippled and you were lazy. I decided it's time I got some friends more suited to my status. But, Joe, we've been friends for years. Hey, we all make mistakes. Come on, dudes, let's go exercise.

I could not let you leave without me, Meg. I love you. I love you, too.

Hey, if I'm starring in a production of Starlight Express, I want my whole family there. Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!

Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian.

Great. Hi, can I help you? Yeah, checking in. Brian Griffin. You should usually do that. You should check me in. That's like one of the things I was talking about. I just have to tell you, I loved your book, Mr. Griffin. Thank you so much. You made my day. So, you still in school?

" don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

the mysterious and eccentric brewmeister, Pawtucket Pat, has announced that he's opening his never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few. Pawtucket Pat has placed 4 silver scrolls in 4 random beers. Each lucky scroll- winner and a guest of their choice will take a magical tour of the brewery and walk away with a lifetime supply of beer.

So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden.

Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian. It operates according to the laws of physics, but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no laws of physics. Watch.

(CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Thanks for the ride, Dad. All right. Have fun, Chris. Hey, Petey! Quagmire? What are you doing here? oh, you know, Soccer moms! All right. I'd like to hang around with you. But Lois needs me at home. I got bEER. Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

Oh, God, please put your clothes back on. Mama... Mama... Do you love me now, Mama? Please love me, Mama!

And its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks.

Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car.

What? First you have to say that you'll do it before I tell you, no matter what it is. All right. Really? Yeah. Sure, what is it? I want you to pierce my ear. Let's do it. You mean it? Because I... Look at my face. I'm totally serious. Are you totally serious? I'm with you. I'm on the train!

Oh, look who it is. Only 14 hours late. If you don't want to spend time with me, Peter, that's fine. But at least don't make me wait up all night for you. Lois, I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight. We can watch any stupid movie you want. Sorry, I've already got plans. What do you mean, "plans"?

Is there any more to this message? Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

Oh, sweet! A pool table. Let's see if we can find some cues. (SCREAMS) What is it? Phew! It's okay. It's just the stuffed bear from the great outdoors.

Ok. For my 307th book, uh... this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it?

Quagmire, since when do you like cats? Since I found this little guy living under my house. I'll tell you this. I understand now why the pharaohs worshipped these animals. (RIPPING) Oh, look, Joe. He's making friends. Oh, sorry. You know what? It's all right, Quagmire. That leg is mostly pus.

Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits. Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event,

(BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking! What do you mean we can't go there anymore?

Are you a pedophile?

"'You know,' said my pet goat, "'I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, "'but I just don't have the time.'"

And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?

Do you think we have a chance at winning? Absolutely. I love being around the stage. Except for that time we went to see Phantom of the Opera. Music is the gift I give to you PETER: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here!

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did!

Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

(SNARLING SOFTLY) All right, Peter, give me a minute. For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks, I shall break one window. Uh-huh. Look, Lois, it just seems to me that this isn't necessarily the healthiest thing for a woman your age to be doing. (GLASS SHATTERING) Brian, I'm 42, I'm in the prime of my life,

I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson. I guess I just thought that if Mrs. Swanson was out of the way, we could be together.

Oh! God. I miss Peter so much. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here. I miss Dad, too, Mom. But we'll manage somehow. We're still a family, right? Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

Let's get a kitty! See, gang? Stewie's got the right idea. I don't know, Peter. Lois, trust me. We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better. Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy. That's a good kitty.

(OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.

Mm-hmm. Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus." It's supposed to be "Jesus," right? Room service! We didn't order no room service. Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar. 'Cause, uh, The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers.

Hell, I didn't even think he existed until last night. Well, what are we supposed to do now? Christmas is doomed. Maybe, but there is one thing we can do. Move over.

Every one of his teeth is in business for itself. You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.

You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming. I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.

Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got

(CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) (TWINS GASPING) (MONSTER SNARLING)

What's incest? You know how cousin Lou has that kid whose eyes touch? So what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded. I'm just saying that they should have at least had the option. How can you say that? Think of all the love he's given to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad. Okay, this argument isn't working.

Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea? Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.

Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

(GASPS) (GASPS IN HIGHER PITCH) (GASPING IN TREMOLO) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY)

(LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George?

The Queen's coming to Billingsbury? That's bloody sweet!

(SIGHS) I hope Brian's stomach pains aren't anything serious. Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

Hey. Hey, fella?

God, are you there? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God. I don't get it. Last time we saw you,

We're the best pals since the Snorks. I am having a really great time. Me, too. I really value our friendship. You're not like those other Snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.

Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead.

No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man. Oh, my God! Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my! Do we... Do we rub his nose in it?

STEWIE: Well, someone's got to lead this marching band. Ew! MAN: Griffins, come in.

She's next door at his house. And you better get there quick, because with Quagmire, sex is inevitable. Like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave. So, does anyone want dessert? Oh, I couldn't eat another bite. No. I gotta get home for the sitter. I'll have the souffle. That takes 45 minutes. That's okay.

Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

All right, settle down. Good morning, class. Morning, Dad. Morning, Dad.

That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag.

It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos!

"I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit.

You know, it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. " say, let me get on your back. Oh, for God's sake. Strong with the force, young Skywalker is. - God, I don't believe this. - That is why you fail. What about this, Meg? A pink baby tee that says "Little Slut?" undefinedThat seems pretty hip. " don't know if that's really me, Mom.

Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp. (SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again,

I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

Oh, look out. Champagne.

Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty. Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers!

Yeah. I am ready for sex! I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode! Is there more underneath, or is that it? I'm sorry? (LAUGHING) Zac, just get the hell out of my car!

Do you like Coldplay? Uh, am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay. God, Toby, I can't believe how much we have in common. - It's like we were meant to find each other. - I know. To us.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy Peter, You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there.

(SKIDDING TO A HALT) Don't you worry, sad little girl. The A-team will get your beloved kitty down. Ready, boys?

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I... (BOTH GASPING) Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom. No. A four-year-old died in the ball pit. We had to cancel. Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? Stewie, this isn't what it looks like. Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to...

and here you are. Ok. Listen, uh, Thanks for letting me use the phone. Thanks for Spaceballs. YeAh, well, If there's anything I can ever do for you-- You can't leave! ahh!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo?

Who the fuck took these?

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael?

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly

He's on the road touring with Black Box. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody

and now he won't step down! I know, Daddy. He's become so full of himself. He's more annoying than when he's making his Christmas list. Now, Peter, are you sure this is all you want for Christmas? I'm only going to the mall once. Yeah, yeah, that's it. ANNOUNCER: All new this Christmas, remote control cars that glow in the dark!

(BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, and there's more where that came from. (STRAINING) (SIGHS) No, there isn't.

Billiam, are you there? Stewie! Wh--wh--What the devil are you doing here? Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him.

Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories.

Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Uh, Excuse me. Would you like to taste my smoked-meat log?

That's a good idea, Brian. Let's try Google Earth.

Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me?

Who's my big brave boy? Me.

What are you doing? Who the hell is this?

By the way, this is my friend, Tom. You're Tom Brady from the New England Patriots! Oh, man, I got to tell you, you kick ass, man. In fact, I was just saying that the other day to all the guys down at the brewery. Brewery? I thought you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire. He's a fake! Look, this cowboy hat comes right off.

We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes. We certainly do get around Like A bunch of renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony we're Rhode Island bound

I just figured it out. "Stuart" means "mouse." No, Peter. "Little" means "mouse"? No, Peter. I feel so old and in the way.

"Black-Eye" Griffin and his family were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.

Are you hitting on my girlfriend? No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.

You can't be serious. Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't, I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast, I just did! Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger! (Chris) What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople? I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head.

Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead. Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Quick, set up the return pad and let's get back to our own time. Right. What's wrong? Why are we still here? I don't know. Stewie, it's not working. Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting. Oh, God, should we ask somebody for help? Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.

Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up!

Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo." Peter, those are Cheerios. You must begin your journey now.

We now go live to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa with more. Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin!

Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this. It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall. BRIAN: I have very good hearing! He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. - Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie.

The man in white. Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!

Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck.

And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend... - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire? And there you have it. Coming up next, watch me shave.

WOMAN: Hello, Fundamental Industries. How can I help you? BRIAN: (NERVOUSLY) Yeah, um, is this Bang Brothers? - Yes. - Oh, okay. I'd like to cancel my subscription. What's your name? Brian Griffin. And which site did you belong to? Uh, Captain Stabbin'. And how are you spelling that?

Who's that up there? Oh, that's our gunman. Every once in a while, one of our toys becomes real, and we have to make sure it doesn't get out.

Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know. Hey, there's Quahog Harbor. Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all.

You kidnapped the Pope? peter, This is the most reckless thing you've ever done! Come on, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?

present arms! Load weapons! boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out! Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

And the noblest of all those early creatures was the dinosaur.

How convenient! Blame it on someone else. Is that the kind of man we want raising these puppies? Peter? Oh, y-You got to believe me, Your Honor. Uh, Peter, I'm putting together another card game. You in? You--You want me to play? Absolutely. But first I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours.

Listen to him, Bertram! It's true! Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad. The resulting explosion was the big bang. So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist. Worth it!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter. Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short. Oh, my God. He is short.

Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)

And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!

Lois, did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? Oh. Oh, God. Sometimes, it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes, we should cherish what we already have.

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do?

WOODS: Hello, stranger.

Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby. What? What did you just say? Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois.

Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin. He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way.

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy?

Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother. Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE)

Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you?

we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one.

(LAUGHING) I must bless this coupling with my flaccid English penis.

How are you? (GROANING) I've been better. Well, tell me what's up. Well, I'm in this relationship and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I like her, but we're not really connecting. How long has it been? About 10 months. And how often do you see each other? Couple times a week. Well, why don't you try seeing each other a little more often, and see if you connect a little more?

Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it...

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey.

All right, one, two, three, go! Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt.

Butter's in the fridge!

with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be. PETER: Of course, back then,

I'm so lost without you i know you were right... We've got a runner in Sector G.

(GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE PLAYING) I don't believe in frettin' and grievin' Why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to step and strut out

No. That was for my refund.

(LOUD CHEERING) Lois! You did it! I love you so much! And the winner is Lois Griffin! Now, if everyone could just pick up two chairs before you leave,

A farm, Lois. It's where vegetables live. Peter, you went out and bought a farm without even talking to me about it? Well, Lois, in my defense, I have nothing to back up the beginning of this sentence. I can't believe this. But it's not like it's the first time you made a big family decision without consulting me.

Ah, Great. A-a-and--And what's your friend's name? Dick Armey. Pthht! Aw, go-- No. No. No seriously. What's his name? Dick Armey. Pthht!

(MIMICKING PROBE DROID)

It was absolutely amazing. The second that spotlight hit me, I became a whole different person! Silence, you contemptible shrew! Oh, I bet your gums are still sore. You're so observant, aren't you? Are you a detective?

Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving?

You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece. - He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it.

Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

All right, what's the name of the guy we're looking for? Well, he's an Asian fella. Melvin Hu. - That's what I want to find out. - What? - The name of the guy. - Melvin Hu. - Are you a cop? You handling this case? - Yeah. Yeah. - Then what's the name of the guy? - Hu. The guy we're looking for. Hu. - The guy who's buried. - Hu. The guy with the bomb. Hu. - What street's he live on? - First. (BOMB EXPLODING) Yeah, I'm not psychic.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Peter used to be so passionate. Suddenly, he just doesn't seem very interested in me anymore. Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter. You deserve a gentleman. Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay.

Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy? Let me see that. This is your god? A woman?

All right, damn it!

I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie.

why don't you just suck the fat out? Look, If you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest. I'm talking about liposuction. My brother Broderick's a cosmetic surgeon. Is--Is he good? Well, Nell Carter used to be twice as big before Broderick got through with her.

Muddy? Baby? Everything all right in there? MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)

Wow, it looks like the whole town got invited.

(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES)

You don't have to sell out like this, Brian! (INHALES DEEPLY) (HALTINGLY) Your novel is good enough to be published on its own merits. You think so? Yeah, you bet. This is your shot, Brian. You can be a superstar author. All you got to do is make an impassioned anti-pot speech in public.

I feel like Natalie Portman thinks she's so much better than everybody. She's nothing, and her husband's a nobody. Why does Laura Linney always look like she's just finished skiing? I don't know who that is. Really? The Big C? Love Actually? No, never heard of her. Would you know who she was if I said Tyler Perry's Laura Linney? Ooh, I love her.

I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no. Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was. After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina,

No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Something troubling you, Peter? Nothing. Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife. You'll never know if you don't know now

You got a deal. DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Bye, unending conversation! Bye, terrible church people! Bye! My God, does everything have to have a mascot these days? I mean, look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil. I mean, who is that for?

Mom, is Grandpa gonna die? No, Chris, God's gonna help him, and he's gonna get better. He is gonna die, Chris, and there is no God. Meg, stop being truthful with your brother. I'll tell you, this obituary came out great. "Carter Pewterschmidt died today of the disease cancer.

You smell like the inside of my mama's purse. Uh, ha, ha! Thank you. What are those dulcet tones? Why, This is the music of the angels! What is that magical device? Banjo. Pluck that string.

I can see an Arby's through the trees.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Brian, we've had some wonderful times. I really like you. Look, I understand. It's okay. I hope you and Quagmire have all the happiness in the world. But I am choosing you. Just promise me you'll make him wear this.... What?

(EVIL LAUGH) I'm watching you make stool.

Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh!

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them. Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.

Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great.

Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids? Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, 0uagmire Now that Peter's mental You probably ha ve some needs He 's retarded Peter is

No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!

You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People.

I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me.

(ALL SCREAMING) My God! She's dead. She's been shot!

Where? Oh, yeah. Now, that's a job. Fresh sea air, working outside. That's how a real New England man makes a living. Well, Maybe that's something to think about, Peter. What's that, Daddy?

What the hell is so bloody fascinating? (GASPING) You! Well, well, well. If it isn't my half brother Stewie! Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles? - He donated sperm. - Gross. Well, I don't mean to be a discourteous host, but this is my playground.

For more on the story, we now go live to Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa. Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia.

WOODS: Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care not available to the rest of society. My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. And in accordance with Hollywood law,

And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil. Stewie, eat your oatmeal. Honey, you're a wonderful husband, a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand, a very devoted son. That's a nice thought, Lois, but sadly,

I don't have to...impress you.

(SENSOR BEEPING)

Okay, let's pick teams. I'll be a captain and Mayor West, you can be a captain. All right. I pick you.

And a little drummer boy He can either tap his drum or my rear All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year! I want a golden mustache comb

Wow! Connie D'Amico is coming to my house for dinner! I just hope Dad doesn't embarrass us like he did when that one-legged guy came over. All right. Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you. Ahh...

They have an incredibly biased agenda. You should do the story anyway. You think so? Absolutely. They're hypocrites. They wanted you to do the story when they thought it would embarrass Michael Moore. But they don't want you to do it if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh. But you didn't want me to do the story when it was gonna embarrass Michael Moore. But you want me to do the story if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh?

Sorry. And every other school we've tried just doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris. Well, there is one other option.

I--i--I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon.

What? You can't live here anymore. You're a pain in my ass. I want you out. Oh, come on, man. That's not fair. Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing, I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal? Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water.

Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.

Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask. No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.

Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

Oh, my God! Get it out of here! I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution. Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.

Mr. Superman no here. Well, we're looking for a missing... (STUTTERING) No, Mr. Superman, he no is here. Yeah, okay. Well, can you just give him this flier? I... No. No, I have no money. Just take this flier, and if you see this baby... No, no.

Well, I know they say "Reach for the stars," but if we all did that, there'd be nobody left here on Earth, right? I guess. (CHUCKLES) There you go.

Sure am. My grandfather was a pilot for the Imperial Air Force during World War II. Flew a kamikaze mission in the Battle of Midway. He's part of the reason I became a pilot. Wow. How come I never met him? He was a kamikaze pilot. Yeah, no, I heard you, he was a Karma Chameleon, but how come I never met him? Because he died, Peter. Oh, my God, when? And how?

And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yup. Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong.

Is everything ok? Yeah. I couldn't sleep. I'll be up in a minute. Ok. Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right.

(WHISPERING) You may now kiss the bride. (LIGHTLY APPLAUDING) If that's the box with the computer, you can put it in the den. Come on, honey, push. (WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING) Hey, what the hell's goin' on? I told you to rough up that dog and baby.

Well, hey there, Griffins!

MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying.

Oh! We had to wait in line for, like, 0.7 hours, but then we made friends with the brown bouncer, and it was cool sailing from there. How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland. We've been meeting people for the past three days.

(SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

Tell him to turn the plane around. Hey, listen, Quagmire, turn the plane around and bring it back here. Peter, I can't do that. The FAA would be all over my ass.

or an Italian guy needs to over exaggerate. I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to...

Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed None of them be missed That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby.

BRIAN: I'll do it. What? I'll... I'll do it. I'll give you my kidneys. But Brian, you'll die! Peter, you're my best friend. You... You gave me a home when I didn't have one. And you've treated me like a family member ever since.

Uh... Okay, you just want me to spray the water at the fire and try to put it out? He knows everything about what we do. Of course he does. Look at that giant horse vagina.

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby. I brought Stewie into this world. It's time for me to take him out. How the hell are you gonna do... (YELLING) Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law.

(EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people.

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby!

What? Yeah, that stuff's delicious. Lemon snow? You mean it just falls from the sky like that? You bet. One of nature's treats. You gonna have some? No, I'm already full. But you should have some before the other kids get to it. What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss.

(MUMBLING) Amazing grace

she hadn't eaten anything in a year. WHoo! I am such a bitch! We have everything we need. And--And no crime, no guns, no pollution. Brian's right. We've left ourselves defenseless. Guys, we need to make some guns. Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.

I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.

Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room.

It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What? Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way. Oh, way to stand up for your woman there, fatty. Chris, what the hell is going on with you lately? Ever since you hooked up with this band, you're like a completely different person, and I don't like it one bit. I am expressing myself! Now, get out of my way!

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once!

Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy! Oh! Oh--oh-Oh, this is just great! Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband?

Hi, Diane. Oh, hi, Lois. How you doing? I just thought I'd make sure you were okay. Oh, I'm managing. It's just so hard to believe you can work with someone for 15 years and yet have no idea who they really are or what they're capable of. Oh, I know. And I'm sorry.

You were a good sport this year, Quagmire. Well, you know, Peter, it's all in good fun, right? You know, my grandfather used to have a saying... (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I'll never join the dark side. Never! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape.

I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control

(LAUGHS) Glug, glug, glug, glug! Can you imagine? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) I'm sorry. My hormones are just crazy right now! (WOMAN LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHILD LAUGHING)

Oh, you're alive. I guess you are gonna need that college fund. Chris, do Daddy a favor. In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel. Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him.

All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating?

You do all your homework? Finish all your subjects? - Yes, sir. - Good. Just checking. Have a good night, Son. PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

(FARTS) (YELLING IN SPANISH) - (FIRES GUNS) - (ALL SCREAMING)

Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning. Are you kidding me? Are they not seeing this? I know, it's kind of creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois. Yeah. Looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.

Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers. We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted! I'm sorry, but we open this show in 3 hours, and I don't think we're ready!

Hey, you, porker. Yes, I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort. Hey, you, drunkie. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm-- Ahh! Ah, The toast is ready. I'll get it, Lois.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Glenn. Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.

That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity. That's nothing. Look at you.

Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave in a century. That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

(GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak?

STEWIE: This is fantastic. Nobody suspects a thing. Listen to my voice. That sounds cool. Hello. Pigs in Space.

You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING) You think he's dead? No, no. He'll be back on his feet in no time, probably follow in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps, wind up with a pod deal over at Touchstone.

Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back.

By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again! You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing.

Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that. Oh, hello, Lois.

(SNEEZES) Sweetie, maybe you need to go home. I'm not going home. I cannot get sick right now.

I expect you to do it. Understand? Who wants to sing show tunes? In old... Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now. Fine.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

You know what? This is what I want our empire to be about. The first television broadcast. (PLAYING SERENE TUNE)

Wow, Bo Derek! Oh, Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck! Thank you, Thank you. Yes, Yes. And what's the deal with airline food? Hey Thanks, "Watches You PeE." HEy, Where's your mother?

Peter, you're really putting away those Mentos. These aren't Mentos, Lois. Everybody, you're looking at a guy who's gonna set a new world record. I am gonna eat more nickels than anyone has ever eaten before.

Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?

All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh? Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made. Are you wearing a girl's sweater? Does that really matter right now? You got 10 minutes. Lights, please.

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them.

(STABBING) (MAN GROANS)

Oh, crap! It was prison you were thinking of. Prison. I already banged the hammer.

Yay! (EXCLAIMS) Huh. That was kind of cool. (YAWNS) Been a long day, Lois. Long day.

As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past.

You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine. Trust me, you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways. Like what? Like... You... Just write down however you think you're talented, and I'll sign it. Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage.

He's ok! Thank God!

Look at me! Look at-- Look at me! Hello, ladies. I'm Miss Watson, director of the retreat. I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin, who's here to get in touch with his feminine side. This world would be a far better place if there were more men like him.

And initial here... and here. And date. Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth. Gonna buy me a rainbow

Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that?

There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot?

(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex?

(GASPS) (RETCHING) (LOUD GROAN)

Oh, What the hell.

Well, Brian, it's been a productive week. I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is. Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods, who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah.

Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake,

Boy, this place sure has changed since Pawtucket Pat sold it.

There's a little bit of good in everyone. Except that president guy from The Hunger Games. He was pretty bad.

Too fast, too fast! Our children should not have to live in fear! Okay, well, how come you're not doing this in front of your own house? Oh, my ham radio interferes with the radar gun. Talked to a fella in Papua New Guinea last night. You should come by sometime and join in the fun. (STATIC CRACKLING) MAN: Hello? Uh, hello? - Are you bald? - Yeah.

Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out. Ah! What the heck? NudisT! My dad's a tailor, you jerk! Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go. So, um, would you want to do something sometime?

Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness. Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.

You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?

Glenn, will you accept this rose? Really? After I drugged you... and tried to have sex with your unconscious body? undefinedWhat? Wes. This is the final rose tonight. undefinedBrian. Wes! Yeah, I mean, I know I was skeptical at first...

Oh, dang! That is some smart pig. Good thing I copied off of Oinky. Tah-dah! Possum Surprise. Actually, I made it with Shake-n-Bake. And I helped! Kids, where's your father? yee... haw!

Peter, have you seen Brian? (MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not. Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache!

Oh, my God! That's disgusting! And look! Look! I left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom. It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive. But now I have you back... Oh, well. At least I still have you. You hungry?

You don't see Nike or Microsoft or General Motors or Ford or Boeing or Coca-Cola or Kellogg's profiting from non-American labor. (LAUGHING) FUAD: Is funny because they all do! (LAUGHING) You have a point, Griffin. Maybe we should run a company-wide check to make sure all our personnel are legal citizens. Now you're talking, Angela.

All the small things... That's Blink-182.

That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)

Gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the David Hyde Pierce incident. And as you know, one call equals a billion people. Which means 20 billion people were offended by this. Needless to say, something must be done. Perhaps we should ask the chairman. Good idea. Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident.

That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love. But I forget how to make love. (SHUSHING) That's okay. I'll show you. Just follow my lead.

(SCOFFS) Nice day we're having.

So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

Brian, that's it! If I could get a picture of Luke Perry doing something gay-like, it'll make people believe Meg's story is true! Yee... How the hell are you gonna do that? Hey, I've gotten people to believe crazier things. And if you are pure of heart and deed you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven.

Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois.

Dad never came to sing at my school. I don't want dessert! I tell you, Lois, high school's a lot more fun this time around. And It's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns. Oh--oh, a-a-a-And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose, y'know, to make the guys laugh. And I swear to God, it was so heinous,

but I'm missing about $1,000 in play money. I take. What? You took it? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back! Come get, bitch. (SIGHING)

Hey, princess. I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know? (SNIFFLING) Oh, God, you hear that?

If I remember correctly, this is the Physics Department. That explains all the gravity.

(ALL GROANING) Oh, no! Not again! We're about to do Jedi, aren't we?

Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.

Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

Come on, what do you say? Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice. (CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit?

It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly

Yeah, and now my Spanish teacher and I can finally hold hands in the halls. Meg, donde esta la biblioteca? Because I'm going to bang you in the biblioteca.

(YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois. Lois! Lois? Where the devil is everyone?

I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit. Be careful, Meg. (MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

(BLOWING) (BREAKS SQUEAKING) So, I hear you teenage girls are pretty hot on that Nic Cage. Er... No, not really.

I... We never switched. We don't even look the same! All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

There. But beware, no man has ever returned. Many have gone. All have been lost. Vanished, never to be seen again. No one has ever come back, I guess-- I guess, would be the--the-- the central theme of what I'm trying to get across here.

Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy!

Ok, taxpayers, here you go!

Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good. (MOANING) Can I help you folks find something? No, we're just browsing. God, I hate it when they pester you like that. Peter! Yes, we need help. We're looking for a skull that my husband threw away.

PETER: No. No, no. No, not you, Seamus.

Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot! It seems today It seems today that all you see

Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots.

It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.

Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that,

This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of... NIKKI: 24!

Come on. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. You were praying. I saw! No, man. It was a joke. - You were praying! - It was a goof! I was goofing on you! You're disingenuous. Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell?

Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

You're gay. Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.

Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk. Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young, either. Brian, we should sip Bacardi like it's your birthday. What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!

I think I know what you're getting at.

Wow, this place is full of dead pigeons. I'm gonna go grab some ozone. Hey! Peter! There's a king in the cards! They saw my blueprints! What a grievous breach of security! Damn! What do to? Wait For it... Wait for it... Yes!

No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort! Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation. I am very angry with you. Geez, what's your problem? What you did this morning was so far out of line, I just...

You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet! (SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot. I'm totally breaking up with him. I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys. But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school. (SIGHS) Yeah, you're right. God, they all suck so much. I need a new challenge. What if... Wait. Now, bear with me on this.

Me and Jesus Those are words that please us 'Cause we're close as Beezus And Ramona Quimby are My life is sweeter With my new friend Peter

Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged!

I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, but I know where it should be. Around here the town drunk is a person of great honor. Excuse me, sir. My name is Peter. Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey.

Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around.

but they can eat my ass,

Well, I know the signs, because the same thing happened to me. An older neighbor. Her name was Elaine. I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups. I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old. Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie.

Yes. We all enjoy the Bible in this house. Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible? Um, uh... That one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Brett Favre. Uh-huh. I'm listening. William H. Macy? You guys are going away for a long time.

Morning, cutie. Yeah, hey. I had so much fun last night, Brian. Hey, I thought maybe we can go get some coffee later. I don't think so. Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? - Who's a good boy? - Me. Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel! She was so young. She was so beauti... She was so gener... We were married.

Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines. Grape Soda Today, Orange Soda Quarterly, The Fruit Punch Reader. Hey, what you got there, Stewie? Ooh! Mustache Aficionado. Wow, look at these men! What class. What grace. And all because of a little upper-lip hair.

By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies! I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow. There's only one thing to do. We got to break it up.

Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that? What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude.

This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex! Oh, And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby.

STEWIE: Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a naked tea party. Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now!

Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that. Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter?

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left

Maybe if we make it mad, it will come down here, and we can catch it and get the finger. Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green. You're the laughingstock of the poop world.

Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob. You're thinking of the Mob in the movies. How am I funny? I don't know. You say funny things. No, No. I mean, I'm what? Am I George Carlin funny? Am I Spin City funny? Rita Rudner funny? What? Come on. Rita Rudner funny. Yeah. Rita Rudner funny. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.

Up yours, young people. You and your rock and roll 8-track tapes!

Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene.

So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled.

(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

All right, Brian, you can do this. You can dump her. Because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence?

T and Me by George Peppard.

It's not too late, Meg. I'm here for you.

(SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.

I bet you Debra really gave it to Ray today. I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't very good, but he ate it anyway. And then she got mad at him 'cause he gave her a funny look. I miss Ray. (GROANS) I can't believe Chris would just buy into that army recruiter's sales pitch.

Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall. Very nice to meet you. Big fucking deal. Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her. Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go.

Yeah. And I think I might need some right now. Get out now or stay and get weird. Your call, warden. Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison!

Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you. I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.

I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is. Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... This is Peter Griffin.

His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.

I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to. Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? (ALL YELLING)

Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck.

Are you kidding? I think they're great!

Hey, Stewie! STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard! Patrick. Where have you been? Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house.

We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics,

Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself. See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something, but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!"

For starters, we're making sex education more fun. Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies And our schools are the safest around,

I have the power!

Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you. I will never be attracted to you! You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Honey, would you look at all these kikes.

(LAUGHING) Derek, look! Ha, how do you like that?

I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin! Dear God, this is where we're sleeping? Oh, Come on, Lois. They said they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow. And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois.

Hey, ladies. You mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes. Stewie, what is that on your lip? I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?" Come here. I'll take care of that, sweetie. It's got spit all over it. Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau.

He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin. Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration. Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy?

Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning. Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this.

(LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING) Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming.

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word

Wait a minute. That's not nice. You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you. Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times.

We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around.

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution.

I was in a folk-music trio. Hey, how about "Here's to you, Mrs. Fleckenstein"? Yeah, You've been pitching that for an hour. But It's just not a very attractive name. Oh, oh, fine. Fine. I--i--I suppose we're also not going with "parsley, sage, rosemary, and Lowrey's Seasoning Salt." That's it. I'm going to 'Nam.

Didn't know I could choke you through the TV, did you? Well, I can. Captain Piett, you're in charge now.

StEwie, are You ready to-- Go away! You're not fat, Chris. You just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.

Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?

Well, thanks to no gravity in space my spine stretched, and I am now a confident 6'3", so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman. Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class. I don't really want to be friends with him, but he knows a lot of chicks. And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)

All right, Peter, who's it going to be? Who do you want to sleep with? Who we kidding, Lois? This is never going to work. Let's just forget the whole thing. No, honey, it's got to work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if it could be anyone in the world,

Nurse! This woman is in labor! Excuse me. I was here first. My leg is asleep. All Right. Let's see what we have here. Oh, The baby's crowning. All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves,

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers?

There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed

Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?

Uh, I did not. So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?

Who the fuck are these people? (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner. Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart.

Hey, is fat ass home yet? Put him on, I want to talk to him. Thanks for coming to get me, you guys. Hey, no problem. We spent thousands of dollars to send you here and made two trips to Florida in four days. I'm glad we had you. Well, I'm sorry. I thought I could handle it here, but I was wrong.

(GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it?

I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble! My baby! Get out there and tell those people the truth.

I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated. Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid.

We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Thank you for coming. We've never hired a spiritual medium before, but I'll do anything to get my baby back. You know, Peter, we wouldn't have to be messing around with ghosts if you hadn't desecrated those Indian remains. Probably a bad time to mention I'm wearing the skull as an athletic cup. Okay, let's talk to some spirits. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing?

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest.

Is it you, Naomi? You got a bum cervix?

I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you!

I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport. Lois, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Chris, the guys from the prison... Counting Crows. If I'm forgetting anybody, I'm sorry. Goodnight, everybody! Our thoughts are with you, Chevy!

Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control.

Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

He's perfect. CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.

Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.

Mom! Hi! What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I've been waiting out here for hours! What?

That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

Wow. You work out!

PETER: Goodnight, honey. Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

Red-headed lady reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope She's gonna breathe on it first wipe it on her blouse

Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie!

Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies. Wow! Does it really smell like cook-- Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!

Peter, what... What are you doing?

I don't know what seven of those words were.

You don't have to get all... Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth?

My best friend in the whole world and he's gone. (CRYING) You know, Peter, I think he was also my best friend. He was the smartest person I knew. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked. (NATIVES YELLING) (GUN SHOTS)

(SIGHS) Why am I doing this?

(LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?

I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and poop out half-digested mice. Well, then, I guess there's only one thing I can do to regain your love. Who wants a brand-new Xbox? Yay! Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God!

I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love.

We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf. But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth.

Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite.

No. Well, that was a miscalculation.

We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes.

Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it.

you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

Back me up on this, you know? (YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint. I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING)

Rupert wasn't kidnapped. I accidentally sold him at the yard sale. You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident.

But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald. Hey, Mr. President! Mr. President, up here! I voted for you! Wait a minute. That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun. He's gonna shoot the President. Holy smokes, I've got to do something. All right, Lee. Time to become an American hero.

And you can smother it with all your unrequited love.

I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north.

And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then, son, You know... Oh, my God! Fire! Aw, jeez, Let's get out of heRE! Run, you stupid bastards!

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.

I don't believe this. I don't suppose you could let us off with a warning? Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good. The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me? oh, Lordy, I'll never roam again! Jackass. Hey, He's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house.

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes. How much would you pay for laser eye surgery?

Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money?

the waste man came right outside my window. Well, I'll tell you this, Tonick, a little hair from the dog is just what the doctor ascribed. I hear you, friend. Now, let's sit on chairs next to each other and get dick dances.

Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning?

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib. Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING) Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up! (BOTH MOANING) All right, come on, everyone. Go get dressed. It's ballet night.

And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. Really? I don't know. I'm just bored. A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God!

I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction.

I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget.

Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You...

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed None of them be missed

Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand. Doug and I are abstinent. But if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count. We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord. Meg, when I was your age, my parents tried to feed me the same nonsense about premarital sex. You're lying to yourself.

You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Look, I was drunk out of my mind.

Well, I was gonna try to sell you some "handsome cream,"

Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants! You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it. Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris.

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. What the hell's wrong with him?

I'd like to have a word with you. Peter, I think-- Kichwa! Kichwa, we're both sensible men. There must be something I can do to make things right with you. Actually, there is. I want reparations just like Cleveland got. What the hell are you talking about? I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats.

This may be kind of messed up, but am I the only one getting a boner right now?

Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian.

- I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out. - (KNOCKING) Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it!

I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore!

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck!

And now back to Disney's Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts. There's way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation!

Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times,

Hey, Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring. Grandpa Griffin? Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears? Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."

Don't move, dirt bag! Ah, It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! This is great. This is the rush I've been looking for.

"Dear Luke, if my calculations are correct, "you should receive this letter at the exact moment the DeLorean vanished. "I have been living happily for the past six months in the year 1885. "The lightning bolt that..." (GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

Oh, thank God. We made it. (GROANS) My neck! You backed into me, and now...

Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Hey, Joe, where you been? We haven't seen you in days. Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena,

Oh! Right. You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back. Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right.

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat.

Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close. Yeah, how'd that thing fall over? Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks? I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else.

I stole $10 from Meg's room! I stole $10 from Mom's purse! I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years. Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one. But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words. I'll give you each $20.

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!

Open this door! Open it, I say! Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, You might want to give that a minute or 2. I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell!

(DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)

You want me to cover that, too? How long are you guys gonna be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats. Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.

Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw-- Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple!

My God! How can you be so obtuse? What did you call me? Obtuse. You're being obtuse. Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse? No, now you're being acute.

we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin for our newest waste pipe. (ALL CHEERING) Let the dumping resume!

Are you kidding? I can be very persuasive. That's how I used to lure wayward sailors to their deaths with my siren song. (HUMMING THEME FROM THE ROCKFORD FILES)

People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage."

PETER: It turned out the joke already had quite a history. Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.

The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash.

This is it, Brian. My plan for world domination is about to come to fruition. (ALARM BLARING)

You know what, Karen. Go! I'm not going to stop you. Just go!

Oh, look! A light saber cheese knife! Yuck!

I paid $380 for this flight. $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first. This is my 4th trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky. WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What?

Be careful. Muriel could be in any one of these pantries. (DR. HARTMAN GROANS) Dr. Hartman?

Sorry I'm late. Can I still apply for the job?

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face.

(LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

"Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay. Or is he? Let's read on. Ok, I'll be there.

Yeah, it's liquor. Babies aren't supposed to have liquor. This would be the most naughty thing ever. Do you want a sip or not? (LAUGHING) Yeah! But I don't want to get too buzzed. People take advantage of kids when they're buzzed. It's so easy, and I wouldn't even remember. So don't you try anything. Try what? I already practically rimmed you.

Hey, what the hell? What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? You want to go? Go? What are you talking about? I'm talking about go. That's what I'm talking about! First one's on the house! I got things to do. Where do you think you're going? I'm going downstairs. There's a toll in the hall now, 10 bucks.

I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex?

Remember, the number-one cause of injury during a hurricane is broken glass. So stay away from the windows. And Peter, put those away. Aw, come on, Lois. Just one more sonG.

So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

My word, I really must have been asleep! Ah. Look at this. The tip of the Earth, Brian. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus. All right, let's go. Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?

Where's Daddy? Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible. I can hear you, but I can't see.... Well, he must really be gone! - Peekaboo! - How the hell did you do that? I thought you'd disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my.... Great, leave when I'm in the middle ofa sentence.

Can I see your driver's license and registration, please? Is there a problem, Officer? QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right.

Is opening and closing the cash register a bunch of times helping business yet? No. Okay, then we'll do other stuff. Okay, Mort, now, if you want to get more customers in your pharmacy, you're gonna have to do a promotion, like... Like, "Buy one, get one free." What? Buy one, get one free. Huh? Buy one... Yeah, I get that. Get one free.

Well, I couldn't be more angry with you. ohhh! YOu... You really let this family down. We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap!

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves.

This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this? Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this.

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time. Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.

And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money?

What the hell's this for? When the time comes, you'll know. I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland.

(MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg.

Oh, there you two are.

and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong! No!

Oh, Chris, I'm your father. Call me Dad. Okay, Dad. How do I get a girl to like me?

I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly? I'm sorry, Karina. If only you were a boy.

Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt! No! Stewie, Daddy needs your tiny hands for a very special project. Well, good heavens, that's something, isn't it? By the way, Mr. Griffin, regarding your X-rays,

And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite.

That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip...

Oh, And by the way, I'm going back to the force. Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

Lois, what the hell are you doing?

A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!

It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels, 'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog! What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, look at this place.

Hey, Meg. 18 yet?

Well, I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there," but then you fold in the side-view mirrors and sure enough, "Well, look at that." Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.

(LAUGHS) Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie. Blades of Glory. "Kick some ice." Entrapment. "The trap is set." RV. "On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream." Philadelphia. "Poop chute lawsuit." I don't remember that one. That one doesn't sound real.

Oh, Good luck, sweetness. Thanks, Felicia. This meeting was called to review the judgment in City of quahog v. Brian Griffin.

You've seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me plotting my escape. You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What--What else do you hate? People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards! Oh--oh, People who use the word "guesstimate." Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric!

Hey, Did you hear the one about us? Wow! You are such a good dancer. Way to go on that beer bong. Yeah, no fake. No fake.

Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987. ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta.

For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.

Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What? Did you name it? Uh, yeah, he's Paul. Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Glenn.

Mom, if you get elected to the School board, can you fix it so I win Homecoming queen? Oh, Honey, of course I can. But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right, Milli?

The world will always welcome lovers As time goes by The world will always welcome lovers

My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV. Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be?

What the hell are you guys doing here? Well, we got an invitation to a dinner in my honor. I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S." Oh, well. Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway.

Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

Let's see, one of our veterans. Um, Olivia. I'm not doing a scene with him! He's inexperienced! He'll drag my whole performance down! Are you serious? Is she serious? Ok, Stewie. I'll give you a solo exercise. Now, You're gonna do a little exercise we call "The Life Cycle." Now, Without using words,

Free burgers? Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No.

My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead. Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors.

JOE: Peter, no!

apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec.

She's heading into that tunnel! (CRASHING) (HORSE NEIGHS) GUARD: (GASPS) Dear God! The Queen's dead!

I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois!

Meg... Meg? I love you.

Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade,"

This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen! Damn it, where the hell did I put that? What are you looking for, Brian? That steak bone you gave me last night. I can't remember what the hell I did with it. Didn't you bring it outside? (LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)

There she is! You must be Angela. Hi. Are you Peter's friend, Reginald? Indeed I am. What a beautiful shade of lipstick on those teeth. Oh, thank you, but that's just my gums bleeding from aggressive gingivitis.

All right, Poligrip, this is where you earn your money. Oh, my. Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it!

I guess it just goes to show that you-- Shut up and let's do it! (LOIS) Oh, Peter! (PETER) Yes! Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein.

That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

(GARBLED SINGING)

Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent.

Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, Who's your frienD? It's a work thing, Ma. Near-death experiencE. Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you!

You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two Dear little buttercup Sweet little buttercup My little buttercup I love you

Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

Hi, Jillian. Hi, Brian, ready to go? Hey, baby. Hi, Stewie. What the hell are you doing? Not much, really. Just me and my pubes hanging out. Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day. So am I. (STRETCHING) I just kind of feel like kicking it tonight.

Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!

It is bottomless. Who are you? We are the enchanted totem. The enchanted what? The enchanted totem. We hold the key to the bridge of eternal crossing. Which will allow you safe passage across the chasm without end.

Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context.

Sold to the man who doesn't quite get auctions. That was so fun. How do you be paying? Oh, I don't have any money. Can we work it out, maybe some other way? Wait a minute. Something doesn't smell funny here. You're not Arab! You two are coming with me.

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl.

Yeah, except when I was Christina Aguilera's manager. Okay, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, all right? You're doing this thing, which is just, you know.... What the hell is that?

Yes, that's right, cry. Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens. Nobody move! Nobody move! Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING) (GRUNTING) Crimony.

Okay. No, I am your father. Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects... What? Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! You know? I mean, it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as, you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know?

And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

QUAGMIRE: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who is it?

This is gonna be so much fun!

GLENN: Well, I think we made it worse. PETER: Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up.

Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin. Boy, you really want to wear that hat. That hat's coming off! No! (ALL GRUNTING) You guys are jerks. I can have my own identity besides you two. Not this way, not the hat way.

Nope. It's just me. And what would be another way for you to say that? I'm by myself. Maybe a more specific way. I'm the lone ranger. Yeah! You said it! (LAUGHS) Hey, your name wouldn't happen to be Rick, would it? No, it isn't. It's just too much to ask. Too much to ask.

Well, okay. I guess so.

Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like?

Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Hi, Daddy. That was me. And this is Peter. Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What are you feeding this gal, huh? Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off? It's a pleasure, Peter. My daughter is quite taken with you. And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at this, huh? Show us front and back there, Lois.

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin. A few years ago, we did an episode called "Viewer Mail" where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas.

It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

Now, kids, you all know that your mommy once gave special on-camera penis kisses for money. Am I... Am I old enough for this conversation? It was back in a disgusting period known as the early '80s. It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them.

What... How the hell are you alive?

Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire.

Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time.

(ALL MURMURING) No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm not impressed.

Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake! They're real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.

SecurITy bReach! Security breach! I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls. And I've restocked our school library with books of some of our greatest movies and T.V. shows. Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on?

- Just these old shorts. - Sweet Jesus.

Ah, Lunch is here.

Oh, dear. It seems you're still It. Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It.

So, um, anybody see any good movies lately? No, not really. No. No. oh. Read any good books? - No. - Uh-uh, No. oh. Anything new with corn? Oh, Yeah, corn... - Corn-- - You betcha! Corn-- Yeah. Corn is always interesting.

I will never be attracted to you. I will never be attracted to you! You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car. Hey, Meg, I'll pay you a dollar a day to smell my sneakers.

Eww! It's everywhere! It's ok. Meg, hand me my sweater. Jeez, Brian, where do you think you are? Payless? I say, I say, Paco, grab a mop. God's sake Could somebody get Patches out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt? Shh, It's ok. We'll meet you in the parking lot. Oh, God, Lois. I need help.

Thatta girl! I got your first story right here. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go!

Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts. Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.

Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie. He's not allowed to have any human contact. (PHONE RINGING) Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass. Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here.

Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked. Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream. But I remember it so-- It was a dream!

Stupid right wing dick. Yeah, you... Hey, you want to sign my book? Yeah, you can sign my ass book. Is what would've been awesome to say.

Well, Have a good time. All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

What the hell is going on out there?

But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin. "Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..." Oh, look, "Ably performed by the entire ensemble." - That's us. - That's all of us. Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.

What do they call that one? That's Meg, dude. You know that. Meg! You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand me? Dirty, Dirty girl.

Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon. Peter, that's a wonderful idea! Yeah. We'll be just like The Honeymooners!

you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie! How long is Dad gonna be in Washington? As long as it takes. He's a very important man now.

I've got nothing against homosexuals. I mean, I'll watch anything with David Schwimmer. But the idea of two men actually getting married, it just doesn't seem right. Hey, I say who cares, you know? If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us, I say we should let them. JASPER: Oh, no! What's wrong? Look.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING)

Go! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIGHS) (SHANIA TWAIN PLAYING YOU'RE STILL THE ONE )

So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand.

You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance? Meg, haven't we taught you better than that? N-Now, hold on, Lois. now, People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted.

Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. (THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING) Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail. But first, the winners of this year's costume contest: the A-Team with the real black guy.

(RETCHING) Ahhh! Meg, you're here early.

Come on! You like the park, right?

Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles. That's what I do when I take my dad's car out. Are you 16? I will be next September. Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence.

Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs.

The port is quite good. Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly.

This is fantastic. This is even better than they said it was in the brochure. Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig, but, come on, we're on vacation. Exactly. Don't hate yourself. We're on vacation, right? Yeah. I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid. Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson, and let the anesthetic do its job.

But full-blown AIDS Not H.I.V., but really Full-blown AIDS I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS

I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Sorry, y'all. That's the first time I ever throwed anything.

So, Mike, now that you've thoroughly kicked my butt all over the court, what do you say we take one quick second to talk about the Wichita account?

Chris, where have you been?

Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. Heard what? Brian, don't! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

CHORUS: Fifth caller Caller number five MAN: Not four, not six WOMAN: (SEXILY) Oh, five MEN: (YELLING) Cinco! Cinco! Cinco! Hey, you know what, Rupert? You know what I should do, just, like, as a goof? I should try to win those Justin Bieber tickets just so I can, like, tear them up or use them to go to the concert.

So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

Nice job on that ramp, Joe. If there's one thing I know, it's ramps. Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING)

Run, you stupid bastards! Peter? Chris? Oh, Thank God. Are you ok? Fantastic, Lois! I saw my guiding spirit. Whoa! Wait a second! You had a vision? It was amazing! I spoke to the trees. And I saw the Fonz. Really? What's the Fonz like?

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it?

Whoa, whoa, big guy. You're probably never even gonna see him again. Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Astley.