Whoa!
Damn!
(ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it!
All right, take it easy. What?
Something very special, Lois.
What is it, Dad?
What, you haven't heard?
Fuck!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh?
What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet.
Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here.
No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink.
It stinks over here, you jerk.
I can't hear you over my central heating.
- Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison.
- Hey, bite me, man.
Hey, you guys seen The Office? You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Oh, fuck you, Michael!
Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.
Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time.
Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together.
Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow!
Shut up, Wil.
Stop it, Patrick.
You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Oh, Peter, I love you so much.
PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee,
but either way, it feels so good.
LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts.
Oh! My chest hurts, too.
Oh, my God.
Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible.
Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
finds a way.
You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby.
That might occupy him and get his mind on other things.
Hey, man, lay off the kid.
I say, if it feels good, do it.
Stewie, you don't do that yet.
Hey, you don't know what I do. Okay, I had that coming.
What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard.
Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie...
No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too.
Stop punching me. I wouldn't worry about it, Chris.
I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Well, I don't know, Dad.
I think a decent number of people watch it.
Oh, really? Define "decent."
I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network,
and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people,
so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three.
Okay! Easy, easy, easy...
Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait...
Stop! Stop, stop...
What? What, what?
- No, no, no. Twist it.
- I am.
No, no, no. The other way.
Which way? You're twisting the wrong way.
What do you want me to do? 'Cause, You know, some places don't take credit cards.
But, Mister, I need real money.
I can't take a credit card.
Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh?
No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling?
Reefer, crack, smack, horse,
X, shrooms, dust, meth?
In my neighborhood? I don't think so! Yeah, he was running the whole thing.
Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys?
Look, I know what you're thinking, Brian,
but don't worry, it's all okay.
Turns out you're the enemy. They're the ones who are on our side.
Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt,
an industrialist with oil refineries in this city,
is on your side.
He wants to get rid of environmental regulations for you.
Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm. You want to know what I think?
Well, yeah.
You son of a bitch!
Oh, my God! It's a travesty!
Joe, stop it! And I will kill you!
You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here.
We hired a sitter for this!
Get him out of here. Come on, Joe.
Guys, keep his anus above his head.
Okay, okay. All right, all right.
Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. Okay, everybody, time for paintball.
I forgot to pick up the paintball guns.
Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office.
Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house?
All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared.
All right, one, two, three, go! All right, come on, if Mission Control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard.
Okay, okay, uh, try this.
Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
Then we'll have unlimited lives.
Come on, we're running out of time.
Oh, Meg, all your suicide threats over the years,
and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us.
Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. Advanced class? No, no, no, no, No.
I'm trying to quit.
Well, Fine, quit.
But get used to people walking all over you.
W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them.
Peter--
Quiet, Lois. Men are talking.
She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER.
Come on, honey, we're outta here.
if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam,
even if it's just for a week.
(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.
Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you.
Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can.
Hello, Lois. Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you.
I mean, what is going on with this country?
I mean, wake up, America.
I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right?
About the taxes? You know?
Yeah, taxes are pretty high.
Is that a new coffee machine?
Oh, yeah, I took the liberty of replacing your old one with a new, American-made coffee machine. What do you mean, "they all look the same?"
Hey, there's all my favorite people!
Oh, no, not this suck-up.
What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews?
So good to see you, Barrington.
Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald?
Huh? Huh? Where we going today?
You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald? Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here.
Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it.
Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you.
It's all you, it's all... Hey.
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
JOE: Will you guys quiet down?
I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio. Who's Scott?
My soul mate, Lois.
I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you.
What? I'm sorry, Lois.
I can't deny who I am any longer.
I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.
And that's how I'm gonna live my life.
Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting.
And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus. Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog,
and we're here with their reactions.
Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back?
Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident,
I feel like I can once again take pride in my community.
I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and...
And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back. You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something?
God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m.
Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want...
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man!
- Are you okay?
- No! .
I didn't see him.
(SCREAMING)
(MEN LAUGHING) Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either.
Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say.
I guess I am going to Hell.
Peter, The good Lord said to honor thy father.
He never said anything about liking him.
in that case,
Dad, I'm gonna eat meat on Fridays,
golf on Sundays,
laugh at Jewish comedians, Peter, you sure it's okay to be at the brewery after hours?
Relax, Joe, this is where I work.
Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday
when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.
You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something?
God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m.
Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... You know, where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys take turns. You know?
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
BURGLAR: What did she say?
She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.
Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything.
No! No! I... I... No. No sale.
Come on! I'm pretty!
(SCREAMING) Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like,
a human resources guy we could talk to?
Um, I have a work-related grievance. What?
Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long,
and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy,"
but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs. What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, no shit!
You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.
What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, la-dee-fucking-da! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word!
What word?
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word Ok, Chris.
Time for some good, old-fashioned exercise.
like those guys are doing.
I say, Phineas,
great day to be doing squat thrusts,
and lifting our huge triangular iron weights!
Hup, hup, Ho!
Hup, hup, Ho! Hup!
Dad, I don't like running. No, fuck you, Stewie.
I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe.
Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!
I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian.
This is a bunch of shit.
Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
I don't give a shit about you.
You know, we could just leave you here.
Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great.
We're in occupied Europe, A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING)
Q, R, S, T, U, V Standing here with these kids
W, X, Y and Z Waiting for the song to end Wow. Wow, are you glad you left the lighthouse now, Seamus?
Oh, I think so, Seamus!
Excuse me, I noticed you were talking loud, so that means you're smart.
But would you mind, and I hate asking,
but would you mind signing this?
Is this guy giving you a hard time, Brian?
Naw, he's all right. All right. Cool, cool.
How you doing, buddy? Well, Brian, you've lost your bet.
I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer,
am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one.
Congratulations.
I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now.
Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much. What, you haven't heard?
Fuck!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a...
Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk.
Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard,
it was, uh, Brian.
Yeah, Brian.
No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with.
He's bad news. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet,
there's only one solution.
Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?
He is? No,
but doesn't that sound like something that could be true?
Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper!
You look silly.
Why? You wear a diaper. Yes, but I'm a baby.
People see my diaper, and they say,
"Oh, how cute! I bet he smells like baby powder." Isn't he the one that beats her?
Yeah, but she's gotten a lot better.
All right, on the way back, I get to pick the radio station,
because that was awful.
I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry.
Oh, God, I just... I hope Glenn's okay.
I'm so worried about him.
Shut up and limp!
We're in a handicapped spot, you slut! That ought to keep Mort away.
Peter, what the hell is that?
Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew.
Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit.
Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one...
Shh! Lois, Lois, look.
Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... You know what, he slipped into my colon. Yeah, damn it, he's smothered.
But let me just ask you this, Lois,
if my stomach had said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry!
"How about some pork chops?"
Would you have thought that was funny?
Not really.
Well, then, this has been an absolute misfire. Sure, Brian.
Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers!
Well, all right, maybe just one.
Cherry.
Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!
(SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. Just let him do it. Let him do the tape.
MAN: Talking chicken. Don't blame me. It was the chicken.
He was... Oh, no, no, no. Actually, no.
You know what would be better? Hey, wait, wait.
Just walk out like this. I just... Look...
I just come out like this, but just, like, all serious.
Like this totally, like, completely serious.
- Like... Like I don't even know I'm wearing them.
- MAN: Oh, man!
Death. Death to America. Okay, look, I'm happy to do that.
(STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just...
Look, what I was saying...
Look, just tell me what you want me to say!
Bill, he's urinating!
Oh, shit! That's it!
Look, Bill, can I just...
Outside.
No, no, no, outside! Outside now!
(BARKING) Outside! You get outside! I'll show you. Let's do it.
Good One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four One, two, three One, two, three (BOTH SINGING) La-la-la-la-la-la - You see?
It's easy. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Brian, don't you know about the bird?
Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, surfin'... Look at her staring. What are you looking at, huh?
God, I should take her out right here with these, man.
Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring?
Oh, why don't I give you a closer look?
(EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch?
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh?
(EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass. Maybe she could be one of those annoying voices that goes,
"Uh, uh, uh. Not that product."
MALE ANNOUNCER: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than 100 grams of sodium?
Uh, uh, uh.
Keep going. Not that one.
Uh, uh, uh.
Not that one either.
Uh, uh, uh.
Nope, not that one. Yeah, I get a lot of those. I can never figure out who it is.
Who is this? PETER: Wheely-wheely stupid head,
bet you wish that you were dead.
Listen, I don't know who this is,
but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know!
What, are you gonna report me on your can't-walkie-talkie?
I'm gonna hang up now.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! I got three more of these I wrote on a napkin. where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing.
Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that.
I just think, you know, I just think,
"Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?"
Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do.
I don't know what I would do.
Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough.
Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. Peter, it's just for a week.
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no,
no, No! Please, God, kill me now.
No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter!
Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. HEy, You're on K.I.S.S. Forum.
Yeah. Um, K.I.S.S. sucks!
W-whoa! Whoa! Ho! Ho!
Trace the call! Trace the CALL!
Yeah, um, they suck big time, man.
They bite ass!
Wait a sec. I recognize that voice.
Is this Dennis DeYoung, lead singer from Styx?
Come clean, man.
YEah. Yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.
Dennis, you jealous douche, Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial,
but I think we can get through it.
Me, too, Lois. It's just going to take a little work.
In the meantime, I guess I better clear the air with Clinton.
Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk.
Boy, you are good. You are really good. I just wrote you guys a couple of checks, but, no, you do your things.
What? No, I mean, I'm just saying,
I thought friends hang out, do things with each other.
Especially when one friend gives the other friends a whole bunch of money.
Oh, well, I guess I could stick around.
(STAMMERING) Yeah, and I guess the co-pilot can fly the plane. Oh, hey, hang on, hang on.
Look, you know, I know this is a men's club,
but why does it always have to be about sex?
Okay, look, how about this? How about this?
Who would you rather start a small business with?
Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.
That still sounds like a sex question.
It is not.
Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it? Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive!
You gotta tell me everything that happened.
I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys,
but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it.
Peter, didn't you hear what I said?
Stewie tried to kill me!
Mom, Stewie's just a baby.
No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. 
