comb.io - Clips

It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything.

So, if you'd like to move back in and take things slowly, one step at a time, I suppose I can give you the chance to earn my trust again. That sounds like a lot of work. Go to hell! Carter, what are we here for? What are we here for? All right, all right, fine, fine.

Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date.

I'm Lois. Won't you come in? Oh, boy! My own maid. This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took. It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free

Billiam, are you there? Stewie! Wh--wh--What the devil are you doing here?

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values

Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her.

Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross.

I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party. Your what? My bachelor party. What's that? You don't know what a bachelor party is? No! When you got married, didn't you have, like, a bachelor party with all your friends? My what? Oh, my God. Well, we are gonna fix that. Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! Why would you do that? 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help.

Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day.

Oh, Emily, Wuthering Heights was truly splendid. Oh, no, Charlotte, Jane Eyre was so very brilliant. I made blood out me lady parts! Good for you. So we've all done something. It's happening now. Ah. It's a period joke. It's a period period joke. (LAUGHING) Okay, moving on.

Look, I'm going to propose something,

Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival. Yeah, we're just gonna have to do what Davy Crockett would do. I mean, that guy killed a bear when he was only three. Honey, don't you think it's weird that our three-year-old son is murdering animals?

With a rash Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight And the guys in hooded sweatshirts Have forgotten that they're white

Great practice, Lois. We are totally ready for that talent show. Oh, my God, Peter, I am so wasted. All I want to do is make cookies.

Oh, I see what you're driving at. Oh, that was fantastic. Hey, when'd you get that tattoo on your lower back? I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug.

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS. Excuse me? Second request. Present hall pass.

I can't believe the wedding's off. All I ever wanted was to get married and make a home with a skinny, hairless Filipino boy. Isn't that the American dream? Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper.

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him.

Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one.

All right, Brian. We got it all sewn up.

It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes.

Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her,

Hey, guys, guys, get this. So Lois wants a part-time job, right? So I'm like, "I got a job for you, baby, right here." See look, This zipper's been broken for over a month. I gotta use a damn safety pin.

Peter, I still don't understand. How the hell can we already be out of food? Didn't I tell you to bring Trail Mix?

but isn't it a little esoteric?

I know, it's awful. Pretty soon, guys are just gonna be showing their boners to babies and stuff, I bet.

I am a huge fan, and I just think you are doing a fantastic job. And after what I went through with Diane Simmons, well, let me just say it's nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me. Yeah, no, you're fine.

Please, Joe, I know he had an accident, but can't you look the other way this one time? As a friend? Yeah, you know, Joe, you owe this family. I didn't tell anyone about your Fiona Apple tribute video.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus." It's supposed to be "Jesus," right?

i-I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me. Now, just a minute! Ahh!

Yeah, that's true. Just pretend I'm a boy. Ok. You want to go down to the old town bridge and make out? Yes, sir! And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her.

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car!

Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons.

And you know that water slide in South Attleboro? (CHILDREN LAUGHING) Yeah! Water slide! Summer fun! It was the greatest day of my life, and I owe it all to alcohol.

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane.

(SNORING) Wake up. Wake up. We're fighting.

They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside them. Like--Like this one guy didn't know he was actually 2 midgets.

Well, the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird.

(GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy!

Peter, what are you doing? She's still here, Lois. Wasn't she supposed to leave, like, two hours ago? I thought so. Go ask her what she's doing. I'm not asking her. You go ask her.

Hi. I'm a nude vampire. Hi. I'm a nude werewolf. And that's the show! Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!

(RIPPING) (UNSHEATHING)

There's nothing fun or entertaining about that. Maybe if I walk down the hall with a wisecracking rabbi. Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions? No, I just keep the tips. (LAUGHING) All right, where's the CEO's office? I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom.

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls.

Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT? Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?

Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

See? Uh... What... Is... Um... Here, Lois, take a look. (BOTH LAUGHING)

but he sure wasn't what they expected. It turned out the increasing demands of Christmas had all but destroyed the poor old man. Okay, look at this. Somebody gave me a little remote control helicopter. Pretty cool, huh? (CRASHES) Oh, it's broken.

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won.

I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist. Heh. Nice little body on her, huh? That's my daughter. Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh? Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue,

Do you know how to take it off? No, I've never done it myself. Mum does it. All right, well, we should get your overalls off first.

(GROANING) You're alive. Okay, I won't... I won't eat you then.

I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie. Sweet, we are out of here. Now I can do what I planned to do this morning. Gladiator mice. (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing!

I got the mu... Oh, my God! Jimmy, what happened? Yes, Jimmy. What happened? I--I fell.

I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat. And that's why you like him so much. He's you. God, you're pretentious!

Hello? (SLURRING) Hey, what are you... What are you doing? Quagmire, I'm sleeping.

All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls.

You ain't never gonna believe what I just seen. Tyra Banks? See, now you say something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more. Oh! Come on, what did you see? I don't remember. I just was thinking about Tyra Banks. (EXCLAIMS) Can you imagine?

You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.

- Yes, that's correct. - So it was sort of like a dream. No, it was a simulation. Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened... I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.

You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust.

Wow, she's really hitting Mom hard. Good.

" tried to tell you. This is my spot now, Brian. Oh. I see. Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running.

Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest?

Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you

(GASPING) Stewie? What the hell are you doing here? Are you kidding? I couldn't miss watching you crash and burn in this misguided attempt to finish college. Look, you're not staying. I'm gonna call Lois and have her pick you up right now. Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb. I like cutting myself. I bleed a lot. Could I have the top bunk?

I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.

Sir, I think you're gonna want to see this!

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.

I don't want... No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right! Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far. That's his character. That's how... I mean, he's that kind of... No! Forget it. Forget it. You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it.

(GASPS) A-ha! Daddy! Just as I thought! Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. Daddy, you're the embarrassment. Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in.

It has to be organic to the situation! What the hell you being so frigging comedy Hitler about? I was in three improv groups in college, Peter. I was in Improvidence, I was in the Wackadamia Nuts, and I know I'm dating myself here, but Three Smile Island. My point being that I am the only experienced member of this group. I can already tell this is not gonna be fun.

You--You're kidding, right? Que?

All right. Well, I appreciate you giving it to me straight. All right, then. Have a tasty afternoon. (CHUCKLES) Ah, there's a smile. So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson? Doc, I can't take it anymore. I want to walk again. I'll do whatever it takes. Well, there is a highly experimental new procedure. It's essentially a leg transplant.

Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose.

I mean, when Chris grows up, will he even be able to get a job or take care of himself? And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling

Peter, please. I saw an ad for a used car that would be perfect.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Oh, look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him. Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper. Good, 'cause she looked fat. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything. I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to!

WHoo-oo. whoo-oo. Sucker.

Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil. Honey, good news! I made partner!

Brian, listen to me. I was wrong. If 2 people love each other, they should have the right to get married. But you have to come down and give yourself up. If you drag this out any longer, you're only hurting your own cause. (SIGHS) She's right. I'm sorry, Mayor West.

Who the hell do you think you are?

That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it. I don't really understand it. What do you want this loan for? I want to build a giant space station that can destroy a planet. I don't know that that would be a good investment on our end. I mean, I want to open a sports bar.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy.

MAYOR: If we had a teacup, this'd be like playing... ...Find the Teacup in the Bed Sheet, like I do with my Aunt Sophia.

Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month. We'll be his period.

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING) Meg, there's something we need to talk about. Dad, I swear to God, I thought you could flush those things.

Wait a second! No, I won't talk to her! And I want you to stay the hell away from her! Peter, it's me, Quagmire. This is what I do. Besides, Meg is 18 now, and you've gotta let go. You've done your job. It's my turn now. Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this. I want to help you, Peter, I really do,

'Cause you can't say penis

but you've ruined my Sex Ed class. There's no way you're coming with me again.

Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape. I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed. I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military. Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What?

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war,

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night

Meg, what's wrong? Eli's father, Ezekiel, said that I can't see him anymore! He said I was trying to corrupt his son. He did, did he? Well, that does it! We are gonna teach this town how to dance! Oh, Meg, I'm so sorry.

She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show.

Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?

Splendid. That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little... There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you?

God, I hate this freaking cat. Can you spare some change? Why?

Now, let's get back in there. Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna retire, and that's that! Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier?

I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car.

My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something. (LAUGHS) You're funny. But I bet a lot of girls tell you that, huh? Well, the only girl I know is my sister, and she sucks. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh!

I'm sure it'll be a veritable "who's that" of the literary world. Well, laugh all you want,

MAN ON TV: We now return to Tony Danza and Sylvester Stallone in What? (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) Peter, we have to talk.

Oh, This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, Ian Greenstein, heh! He made some smart investments that really paid off. That guy is to money what Miss Ann Margaret is to... Ahh! Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire.

Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!

The thing is, though, I feel like you're not actually gay. What? No, I told you, I am. You don't talk or act gay. I mean, you play football. Those jeans cost 20 bucks, tops. And you only use "hello" as a greeting, not as a way to outdo some imaginary antagonist in conversation. Meg, please stop.

FRANZ: It's a puppet. Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop. Puppets. And I thought I'd seen everything. My name is Chris. Well, Chris, puppetry is a wonderful art form. You can create an entire world right before your eyes and watch it come to life. Wow.

You want to hear it? All right. So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (INAUDIBLE) P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING)

This is so silly. I started playing again. Jeez, I could swear I parked here. Yeah, you did. But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car. I'm not gonna panic. I need to go back in the casino and find a high roller who'll pay A million dollars to sleep with my wife. What? That's ridiculous!

"Pass this along to Gossip Girl." (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (BUZZING)

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too.

I got a great idea! This" really scare them. Everybody set? - Check! - Check! Sock it to me! MAYOR: If we had a teacup, this'd be like playing... ...Find the Teacup in the Bed Sheet, like I do with my Aunt Sophia.

Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it, and I got lucky. But someone else could hurt themselves,

Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.

Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe. Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cakE. Right here! Meg!

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?

You're sort of the Art Garfunkel of the universe. Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits. (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Yeah! Now watch.

Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No--

Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire. I will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.

Listen, I don't have time for this. I'm late for a hostile takeover of a jelly factory. I'll show those Smuckers. That's fine, but you can't drive. Oh, don't be ridiculous! Driver Pete at your service, sir. - Peter, we're not doing that. - Oh. Carter, you work too much as it is. You're not a young man anymore. You need to slow down.

No, I don't want it back! Lois, give him the ring. What? No! Give him the ring, Lois, I swear to God, I'll cut your finger off. Oh, you beast! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs. I shall miss you, too, sir.

Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Yeah, but that should have been our time slot. Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal. I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn?

You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle. Okay, okay, there it is again. What the hell? Stop with that! You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them.

Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax"

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I... (BOTH GASPING) Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom. No. A four-year-old died in the ball pit. We had to cancel.

Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating."

Yeah, there are. I lied.

There's nothing I want more

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop. Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay.

Besides its beautiful historic architecture, Munich was the home of many great writers such as Thomas Mann. You will find more on Germany's contribution to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided. Yeah, uh, About your pamphlet, uh, i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945.

Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois.

- It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know,

Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING) Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium. Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house.

I've missed too many other opportunities.

Wait! Damn! How could he lie to me on our anniversary? Ooh, baby, i love your way

You failed, Your Highness. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me. All right, let's everybody just calm the fuck down. Move! Run!

Come on, kids! The director can't be late for the auditions. You shoulda heard 'em laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. Except For the guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine.

Huh. That was easy.

That's bird meat, dude.

Quagmire, what are you doing here? You don't have kids. Don't be so sure, Brian. I've slept with chicks all over the world. Who knows, I could have kids in their 20s.

Brian, please, save your hippie BS for the winter months, okay? Hey, Brian, I'm not gonna recycle this aluminum can. I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. Your Earth's bitch.

Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving!

I think somebody's gonna be a football star.

- Mine, too. - Same here!

The contusion on his left temple implies he was hit by a blunt object,

Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company.

(COUGHING) What's the matter?

You know, Peter, a lot of people are not as accepting of Muslim culture as you are. Well, I think everything about it is the best. Like this hookah. I mean, who doesn't want to sit around a table with a bunch of guys and suck on the same thing? - How often does this get cleaned? - Never. - And how old is it? - Eighty years.

Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

It's your novel, Brian, Faster than the Speed of Love. Ready to ship out tomorrow. All you have to do is publicly come out against pot. Forget it, Carter. I'm not gonna take your bribe. I don't care if you printed a million copies. I printed two million. And I even commissioned an oil painting for your author's photo.

After they pelted you with meat? Did you forget how the neighbor Kids chased after you and tried to sprinkle you with Fixin's?

Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up, what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner...

Meg, you seem sad. Today's a happy day.

Some show? Lois, those men showed me the way to an identity I've been searching for my whole life. I'm gonna do everything a redneck is supposed to do. This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING)

Did you try the chicken, buddy?

Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay?

Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E If you've been so stiff they thought you died

(YOWLS) Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer. Let me ask him.

Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh from his apartment above the garage. And sayeth he, "Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle, "though I suffereth from temporary blindness. "And yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,

Meg, donde esta la biblioteca? Because I'm going to bang you in the biblioteca. Well, I'm glad you're all enjoying your freedom, but have you taken a look out the window lately? What is that? Where's all that smoke coming from? The Pewterschmidt Industries refinery, and it's not smoke. It's a giant cloud of pollution.

But, Dylan, my God!

we can finally spend some time together. I want us to have one of those father-son moments, like on T.V. You know, Where we hug and the music goes, la, la, la Thanks, boys. Just like that. Hey, Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?

Oh, come on, it was only 600. My God, that's more than I spent to go see that prize fight in Vegas. I thought you said we was going to see Hairspray. Bitch, I thought I said just shut up and be looking fine. What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts?

Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent!

And Fast-forward. You're an old man now. You're on your deathbed. Your son is there, holding your hand. You tell him you accept his lifestyle and regret humiliating him at his only sister's wedding, by introducing him as your "other daughter." And scene.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done? Looks like you ran over him, Lois. Oh, no! He's unconscious!

Oh, yes. Ye--yes, I'll have the coffee cake.

You smell that? He's passed out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity? Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.

So, what are we hauling, good buddy? I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north. Boy, this is the way to do it, huh, Jerry? Sure is. Think this makes us lazy? Nah, we're still in the V-shape.

and right now, here's some Marvin Gaye.

Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you. - Me, too. - But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight!

Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you." Come and dance on our floor Take A step that is new

You said you'd win that talent show, and you did.

You're only as young as you feel. I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that. I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again. Well, if you really think it'll help.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Hello, Lois. Peter, where the hell are you?

(STRAINING) Shut up, Meg. (ALL GASP) I don't believe it! Peter, you talked! Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad!

Now she knows how I felt when I was at her piano recital. No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING)

Okay, here we go.

All right, Stewie, you all set to spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa? Uh, I hate being around old people. They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator.

What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine.

No! No! Bad squirrel.

You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it. Peter, didn't you hear what I said? Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

Really? I'm no school administrator,

You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up. I did good! I did good. Drive.

(CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene. But they decided it was best not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives. I'm so proud of you. Oh, Daddy, thank you so much. I was the most popular girl at the dance. Aw, Anything for you, sweetheart.

maybe some that aren't so happy. You know, the anus has the second-highest density of nerve endings in the body.

It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance.

(DOGS BARKING) Oh, we did it! Your plan worked, Joe!

If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored? Chris, when I was in school, you know what we used to do... when a teacher gave us a bad grade? - What? - We'd egg his house. - Come on. Where's this bastard live? - I'II show you. That's his house! undefinedTake that! " got it!

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)

'cause I'm telling you toad is what Lando forbids Gotta give it all up or you're gonna see your whole life will hit the skids

Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. Piss off, you perverted old freak! Oh, we got a fighter.

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

(IN PORTUGUESE) Man, that really makes me mad.

Francis, we were watching that. Well, I'll tell you how it ends. Laura burns the roast and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!

A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian.

It's an actual prop from Family Ties. This is one of Nick's garbage sculptures. Yeah. Pretty thoughtful, isn't it? Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass! Lois, I'm sorry. I just... I let my jealousy get the best of me.

There are gonna be so many folks coming at you to slow you down, you might feel like you got a bull's-eye on your head. No, but they will be trying to kill you. Also, don't forget you have teammates out there watching your back. Unless you've been messing around with their wife or girlfriend.

It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is, I still have my penis. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina. Come on, Dad... Not a bad option to have in the back pocket. So, Lois, what is this meal? Wow! So good. Oh, thank you, Glenn. It's nothing fancy. Just chicken with rosemary.

Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin. All right, look. First of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment. Peter, please! Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company in no way condones Peter's conduct.

You suck! Somebody get a hook!

But, Peter, haven't you seen what happens to those ladies on E.S.P.N. 2?

Whoever you are, thank you!

Damn you all! Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please.

You have to be Death!

You know what's really amazing, Brian? I haven't brushed my teeth in 3 days, and no one has said a thing. Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment.

Is this where I get the poop pass to use the executive bathroom? Sit down, Mr. Griffin. We need to talk. Okay, well, make it fast 'cause I'm starting to crown.

You 2, fight to the death! ay! Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been... Well, Who we kidding? You haven't made any progress.

Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

STEWIE: Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a naked tea party. Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here.

"I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

So you--you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to, huh? You know, this book's been around for 50 years. It's a classic. But you just got it last week, and there's a giant Oprah sticker on the front. Oh, oh, is that what that is? Let me just peel that right off. So, uh, what are you gonna read after that one? Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! CLEVE: Fuck that.

Hey, uh, listen, Billy, it's been fun having you stay here, but we really need to talk about making some new arrangements. Oh, do we? Is this because there's some kind of problem with the hood ornament? No, that's... It's... That's... It's fine. Good. Good. That's good to hear.

My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe.

There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K?

(CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else?

MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation.

Children under 4 shouldn't smoke! Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore. Cigarettes are bad! Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice! It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air. And according to recent polls, air is good. Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother! Oh!

Horsey, you saved my life. No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried. That's right! Awesome.

There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me. My God. I haven't seen everyone this miserable since that time we were tortureD. I--I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me?

Ahh! Oh, Lois, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose, and--and On the way out, I think one of them muttered something anti-Semitic. We're almost home, honey. Oh, look. There's the star on the town Christmas tree.

I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no. Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was. After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina,

A cow says.... Of course, of course.

"Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God.

let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry.

You can't leave. I have to, Peter. For me. I love you all. Aw. Somebody say something. Brian, wait! H-Hold on a second.

Wow, it looks like the whole town got invited.

Where are you? I can't see anything! (SCREAMING) I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses. Chris, I'm blind. I'm sorry, Meg. (BAWLING)

Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood. Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you. Lois was wondering if maybe you could, I don't know, ease up on the whole, you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift.

I said all that stuff. God! Let's not-- Let's not rule anything out. Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING) Oh, hi, Peter. (LAUGHING) Ram her. What? I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out.

I'll go talk to the beautiful women. And Tattoo here will keep an eye out for the kidnappers. Uh, Higgins. We'll need to Have security unlock the gate for me out front. Ok, Tattoo? Uh, it's Higgins. What? th-The name i-is Higgins. What's your name? Tattoo!

Oh, my God, here comes Jared. Wow, he's in kindergarten. Hey, so you're the plug this year? Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug. Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row. Like, I don't know that! Everybody knows that, Jared! Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right?

Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines.

Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now!

Well, if there are only four of us, I propose we start a band. And I propose we call ourselves Robes of Teal. Aw, damn it.

Unbelievable. Let's go. Chris! HeY, you guys made it! Of course. We wouldn't miss your big day. Wait a second. I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos!

Colonel, the British are too entrenched across the river. I've told the men we'll hold our position. Negative. Tell the men we're going across. But Colonel Goatbanger, we've... No, we need to do this, 'cause... For... 'Cause of... For strategy.

(ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done

"Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat. If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny. System off. Splendid.

Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all.

Yeah. Didn't you do an interview with that fast-talking FedEx guy? Yeah. I ended up dating him for three months. That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested. Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter.

Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie. (WHISPERING) She doesn't know what "Mr." means. Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West, Mr. Oh, my God, seriously. I know what you're all thinking, but fear not, citizens.

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

God, I hate this freaking cat.

And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is. (Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter. (Lois) Hang on.

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

That's me! I mean, that was me.

Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut! Yeah!

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)

Peter, what is it? What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son.

Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR. Let's go throw up. - Sure! - Good idea! Hey, I love throwing up.

Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out.

Well, just so you know, this is a really big deal! They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante! (ANNOUNCER READING)

I don't know! (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

I said, when people die, they void their bowels. PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass. Well, you look a lot better. I did it, Brian!

As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

because I know how to talk dirty to the ladies. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good. Spit in my mouth. Two hundred auditions and nothing. We still got one guy waiting. You lined up 201 auditions? What a weird number. You're weird.

He... He did it to you, too? I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well.

Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas.

What the... Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For example, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around, watching this emotional moment,

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

And tell the African-American elevator attendant he no longer has to wear white gloves. Why don't you just tell him he can sleep with my wife, too? Daddy! Oh, Carter! You're back! You're damn right I am! Don't you ever try to stick me in one of those retirement places again!

Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.

Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

Such lovely printing, too. You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting oh, Lois. Here comes the best part. I want to rock and roll all night and have a wonderful time

I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo! Hey, He takes after his Uncle Peter. Peter, he's Carol's baby.

Surfin' Bird is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone. Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you. Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive, every one of you! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way.

Norm. Norm. And Peter. Yeah. - How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson? - Griffin. I can't find the on-ramp, Woody. He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk.

We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth. And I've got a pretty good idea who you've been selling it to as well.

(SIGHS) STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it. The next person you see. The very next person you see.

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy. I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

Yeah, okay, Lois. Are you listening? Yeah. What did I just say? Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15. I heard it! All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did.

Vote no on Indian gaming laws.

Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck!

Anyway, it's over and done with. What the hell is that? Oh, dyin' boy of quahog Chris Griffin, you're so brave There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step as they dig your grave as they dig your grave

(SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you. Peter, you and I need to talk about Quagmire.

What'd I miss? Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

The Force is with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet. You're getting there. You're getting there, though. I can defeat you, Vader. You'll see.

It gets better after the first... (SNIFFING) What smells like head?

Oh, I give you my... Oh, sorry. I didn't realize somebody was in here... What the hell? Oh, hello, Brian. Oh, there's your friend, Brian. Hey, Brian. I sure did enjoy talking to you the other day.

Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Got it! We'll rob a train. Love it.

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you.

All right. Saltshaker up the nose. I got pepper. Ha! Ha!

Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too. You know, living in that family, we both have pretty crappy lives. And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other. We're all we have.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work. (MUSIC FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PLAYING)

You wacky Beatle. Well, i--I have been making a lot of progress lately.

Here. I made you a present. My God! It's... good. Really good. It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris.

you can always buy it. (ALL LAUGHING) There's some awesome stuff in the garbage. Dad, can we please have a turn at the Xbox? Just a second, Meg. I'm still trying to get the hang of this.

Brian, you got to be joking.

It wasn't funny. It was gay.

Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes!

Marcia, I've done it.

Gotta have rules. And since we can't spend all our time making rules, I think that we should elect some people to represent us, and they should make rules and choices on our behalf. (INDISTINCT) Now, this may be kind of expensive, so I got a plan. Everyone should have to give some money from their salaries each year.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant,

Too much love drives a man insane You broke me will Oh, what a thrill Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

Oh, okay! (SNAPPING)

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way. Shut up. Mom, it's not your decision. I want to be exploited. Meg, don't you talk to me like that. Look, Lois, I love Meal Ticket just as much as I love Chris and Stevie... but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this.

Hey, you got something on your other cheek, too. And this is Pembroke Quad. Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited. I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories.

Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year.

What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God!

Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here!

is-is that just like Supermarket Sweep for you guys, or is there some kind of etiquette? Peter, stop it. God! You're more clueless than Popeye. Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear.

Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department. Ah, Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing.

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS) There's me wench! Peter, what the hell are you doing? That's Long John Peter to you, porthole. (ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties!

I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

(TIRES SCREECHING) Jeez. CatDog. What if they want to marry different people?

Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry. - There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry. I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached.

(SCREAMING) Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my tree house. Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?

That sucks. Sorry, Stewie. That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Probably about 7:00 or 7:30. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) Any of those places would be fine. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) God! No way!

Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away.

Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage. Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!

Oh, You just want your toy back. Ok, here you go, honey. Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all! Hello?

Well, they're for my cookie business. I don't want... Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING) That chocolate chip cookie looks like the Death Star.

Okay, you got it? Okay, all right. No problem, all right. All right. Love you, too, Jilly bean. Okay. - What? - Nothing, I didn't say anything. I need a drink. (BEEPS) (IN DEEP VOICE) Hey, Jilly bean. Hey, it's Brian again.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe. You don't seem very excited. I mean, this is a huge deal for me.

Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do.

(MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better.

(CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant,

Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving? I don't know. It's always the same thing. Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box, and I want a Magna Doodle and a new Uno game 'cause I lost a "Draw 2" card.

This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire. (LAUGHING) He's gross. (CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down.

in a recent 12-day study... My last beer. Here goes. I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God!

So, let's pretty much just attack like we did last time. Sound good? No need to fix what ain't broke, right? Yeah, we did this already. That's what's so fucked up. General Solo will take a stolen Imperial shuttle and knock out the shield generator on the fourth moon of Endor, while General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the squadron to destroy the Death Star.

Okay, Brian, I'm going to the IGA.

You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married.

Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine!

Look, it was an accident, all right?

Do you know I've never been to Europe? Now look at me. Middle-aged, alone, and peeing in supermarkets. Man, didn't see that coming. I had this dream last night. Did you ever see Logan's Run?

Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me. Oh, my God. Dad's a chick. I can't remember the last time we cuddled like this. I can't remember the last time I loved you so much!

(MUSICIANS TUNING INSTRUMENTS) (GASPING)

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Meg. I don't have any money, so I'm going to have to pay for these comic books with my poo. Chris, how come you don't have any money? I thought you had a paper route. Well, I'm taking a sabbatical to focus on my pottery. Oh. How's that working out?

Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it. Now, you.

Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so.

(COUGHING) Oh, my God, are you all right? I'm okay. I'm okay. I just need to catch my breath. I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy. I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls.

Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

So, how was it having sex with Carolyn? I think I'm gonna remember it forever. Oh, yeah? How so? Brian, do you think you could identify a genital wart? (STUTTERING) I would think that would be something you'd check with your doctor about. - Okay. - Okay? Yeah. All right, 'cause I'm... I'm not a doctor. I can't... No, I understand.

What We need is a picture for the front page. Hold on A sec. I got to rinse my retainer. I'm looking For something tasteful like the Malaysia spread in last month's Vanity Fair. That was so sweet. It was wicked awesomE. Stop the presses! It's Meg! I'm just joshing. It's all done on Xerox. What can I do you?

I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot! (ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

She's one of them! I'm sure of it! Now tell me what they injected me with! Huh! You know Mr. T always wanted to be a Broadway dancer? Answer me, damn it! What have they done to me? All right, look, It could be any number of things. Gene manipulation, sterilization. They want my seed! But from the look of your pupils, I'd say it's some kind of mind-control serum...

For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now? I don't want to wait (HUMMING) The new Toyota I want a car that's got a lot of gas Come on, Joey. I wanna be with you.

That no one can deny It's still the same old story A fight for love and glory A case of do or die

And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence,

(BOTH GIGGLING) I prefer the Alpha-Bits.

Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool. "She Packed my bags

Well, I just called Brian. He's gonna watch the kids till we get back. When will our passports arrive? Check back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks? But I have a baby at home! We would have sent you back with the other passengers, but, uh, we didn't know you were stuck in the bathroom. We weren't doing what you're thinking. - I was. - Hmm. We apologize for the hijacking. Ah, That's ok.

All right. All right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster." That's the spirit. - You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5.

What'll it be, fellas? I'd like to cram both your boobs into a martini glass. (SOBBING) I think she's just a normal woman. To Joe Swanson, and the biggest drug bust in the history of Quahog! (ALL CHEERING) Officer Swanson, I just wanted to say congratulations.

Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song?

That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you? One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four

Noble Indian chief, bring us back your ways

Don't bother whispering. I don't have a hangover. It's a Christmas miracle! Shouldn't you have your sweater on? That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes. If I'm sleeping, just stuff 'em in my mouth and rub my throat.

Hey, bitch, wanna suck on my tooth?

(BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico? Hi, is this Room 214? Oh, you must be our new dorm-mate! I'm Rogers ChapStick, heir to the ChapStick fortune. And this is Virgil MasterCard,

My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja What the hell's wrong with you? I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down.

Yeah, and it's real easy, I promise. I mean, you've spent time watching children, right? Yes, sir. Yes, I have. Wonderful. You mind stopping by tomorrow morning? I'll wear my snazziest duds.

Oh, there you two are.

Hey, Carol. I almost didn't recognize you without my special sauce all over your face. (CLATTERING) Is somebody out there? Chris, it's me! Uncle Herbert's grandniece, Sandy!

(SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you!

No! Take them off, I said! No! Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes. I didn't take my sneakers off I'm still Sneakers O'Toole

Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch. Thanks, honey. Oh, Egg salad? Have a good time. I'll try.

What are you looking for? Tooth polish? Toothpaste, yeah. Just use the baking soda. Baking soda? What the hell, I can skip a night. Oh, I've never noticed this picture before. Is that you when you were a little girl? Oh, yeah. That's the summer my family went to DC. That flag's missing some stars, there. Why don't you come to bed, Brian?

Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands. Have you seen this child? No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open. MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

Well, there it is. DREYFUSS: None of us could breathe. The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined. CLEVE: He's nasty.

Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry.

There's No one who can land this plane. I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black!

I can't do it! Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt! Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you! We'll catch you! Wonderful. - Ok! Me next! Me next! - Ugh!

Thank you for bringing it up. I wasn't going to bring it up.

Are you okay in there, Karina? Be right out! Just rinsing off my Noxzema. I'm so glad you came over. So am I, Jules. It's been so fun. So, I guess I sleep in the guest room or whatnot? No, you can sleep in here with me.

It just has a drawing of an engine. But it only had one previous owner. James Bond! I'll take it! Ok, let's see what this baby can do. Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.

Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero all the time when I get back home. Me, too. Mexico! Mexico! That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God. I'm going to go take a dump now, so I don't have to later. Mexico! Mexico!

after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing.

- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating?

Mr. Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt! Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil? Check! A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or zero? Check! Your mom's hairbrush?

(STEWIE GIGGLING) STEWIE: Your roots are ridiculous. I'm gonna grab your hair 'cause I like grabbing stuff. Okay. Okay, Stewie, let go. Let go, Stewie. Let go of Mommy's hair. STEWIE: When I grow up, I'm never gonna call you. I'm gonna be busy with my job and my family. You'll be nothing.

"This is the hospital, and your mom's dead."

Well, now what? - You want to play 20 questions? - Sure.

Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers east of Providence, which is mostly just open water, but still, I'd been undercover, tracking his operation for six months and had finally gained his confidence. I had almost gathered enough evidence to put Briggs away for good,

How bad is it? It's $20,000. Oh, my God! Where are we going to get that kind of money?

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son!

Hey! Peter, what the-- It's the vibration. Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? Yeah, That's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. Some brother just fell in the ocean.

He purified you Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again. I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time. Wow, what a turnout. Oh, hey, there's Glenn.

Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston! See? I went there. Damn it, Glenn, if you're not gay, then the divorce is off. No, no, I am. I swear to God. All right, fine. If you're really gay and you want that divorce,

- How's the folks? - What's new? I'm great That's good Ha-ha Knock wood - Well, well That's life What do you know? How's the wife? Got to run Oh, my - Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

It wasn't that aide that got stabbed in the back, it was me! (SOBBING) Not guilty. Well, I guess that's it.

Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody.

Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life.

Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!

Joe, would you put on your hand shoes and take out the garbage? Thank you. (JOE SOBBING)

Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard? Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity. Okay. Well, he was on Growing Pains.

No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good, then. Friends, family, and characters random, to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention,

Um, Hi. Can I help you? Yeah, Some company hired me to stand next to you all day, so you'd look better by comparison. That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah! Surprise! Uh, Everything looks the same.

You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some. Give her the web site. StewieGriffinFacial.com. No, no, no, that's something else.

That doesn't hurt the story. And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell." But they always say, "Just chain 'em up to a pipe." Idiots. Hey, that was some good teamwork, Brian.

What? He--He doesn't know how to haggle.

(CREAKING) No, it's in the yard. Oh, my God.

(CROWD APPROACHING) What the hell is that? (ALL SHOUTING) Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are here to take what's ours.

What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here. All prescribed to James Woods. And all from Goldman's pharmacy. What's that all about, Goldman? I don't know what you're talking about. James Woods never bought anything in my pharmacy. Ever.

You know, Chris, a little friendly advice. Uh. You're gonna start dating soon. Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me?

That's better. My dad's an accountant, and my mom is the former governor of Alaska. Oh, that's cool. It's real cool. Now, get up, come over here and give me a shoulder massage. Okay.

You hear that? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there. Careful. She could be hiding behind any one of these statues. Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News.

Look, uh, Louis, the French people really want to thank you for your services as king. But it's just not working out and we've decided to go another way. So...

I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do.

You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that. Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.

Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was! But, back then, we were called "pole fancies." It was real good, old-fashioned, grab-the-nearest-tree and-hold-on-for-dear-life gay, not today's fancy, featherbed, thread-count gay. People got hurt back then! That's gay. Yeah, it was pretty gay.

You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING)

Why the hell did we get off here? My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her. Oh, well, So she's in Austin, mmm? 8 miles that way? Yes. All right. So instead of driving down this sun-parched highway, we've now got to walk? Uh, Pretty much. Yeah.

Oh, God, it's so hot. Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum. How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat. Joanie, it's me. Oh, hey!

My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be a phony! A big, fat phony! What'd them Rebels do anyways? You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog. (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no! Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it? I'll tell you, Bob. I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

Lois, I'm sorry. I just... I let my jealousy get the best of me. Jerome's such a cool guy. And I guess I was worried he was cool enough to steal you away from me. You should know better than that, Peter. Now, I think you have an apology to make.

We Have A Gang shooting on Third and Main. 3 wounded, 1 dead. Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier? No. It's my new police scanner. This hero thing is gonna be easy once I find the right crime.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

So what's it like to work at a high school? Oh, Brian, I just love it. Working at James Woods High is great. You know, I've always wondered why they named if after James Woods, you know? I mean, there's got to be somebody more deserving. Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know... Sidney Poitier, Reggie Jackson, Martin Luther King....

The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal" where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me,

You should give me a call sometime. My number is 555... Wait, wait. What? 555? Yeah. You know what, Richard? If you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Listen, did I catch you at a good time, or are you and the critics busy yanking each other off right now? - Excuse me? - Look, your show is really boring. But don't worry, I got some ideas on how you can jazz it up. Listen, I don't need your suggestions, pal. I've been a big celebrity for a year and a half now. Okay, if that's how you're gonna be. We'll see how this plays out.

Well, you should hear my prank phone calls. Hey, is your refrigerator running? MAN: Yes, it is. Are your doors unlocked? What? Why? I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?"

Come on, let's go. And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend... - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire? And there you have it. Coming up next, watch me shave.

(BOTH SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GEESE HONKING)

Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem.

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

ANNOUNCER: One's a baby, and the other's black, f think. A t feast part black. Or Hispanic. f think, you know, possibly, there 's some Filipino in there. Yeah, possibly some Filipino. lmean, ifhe, ifhe's black, it 's definitely diluted.

Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me....

It's not okay. You don't know what it's like. You're wrong. I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts. He... He did it to you, too? I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal,

Paris is lovely, and Nice sure is nice And Marseille is charming with champagne on ice But you, stinky Frenchman, haven't a clue Pew, stinky Frenchman, frog you ANNOUNCER: Hey There, Fruity.

Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok.

Oh, Good boy, Stewie. Clean plate. Although I think you got-- Yes, yes! I got more of it on me than in me. Yes, That one never gets old, Lois. Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in. I'll eat it when I'm ready! HI. I'm ready! Well, Time for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie.

(CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING)

and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

"anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL."

Jesus Christ, unbelievable. All right, I'll be back. (WIND HOWLING) Oh, crap! Don't worry, I'll get it.

But they won't be. (LOUD CHEERING) And now a few words from Lois Griffin herself. Thank you so much for coming, everyone, and thank you for always cheering me on at all my fights. WOMAN: Hey, Griffin! (CROWD GASPS)

Oh, I thought he was a shark.

Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there. (SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg.

Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. How can you be bored? This convention has everything. You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

Enjoyable program. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking news story. We apologize to Joan of Arcadia's sanctim onious, fear-based. ' ' and probably overweight viewers. That's right, Diane. It appears Ronald Lockhart... has been brutally murdered by his wife, Lana, and a local bear. Well, I'll be damned. Chris, I guess we owe you an apology.

Lot of drum roll for nothing.

That's a lovely fragrance you're wearing. What is it? Oh, this? This is Hartz Mountain Flea Dip. Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY)

your... aSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes.

MAN ON TV: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town, and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing." I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches. Don't worry, I got it under control, Lois.

Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do!

Hey, Chris, you mind if I sit here? No, of course not. We were just having a political discussion. Bill's, uh, kind of conservative.

(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it! Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there?

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam.

Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy.

Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh. Oh. uh.

What took you so long? What took you so ugly?

Gonna fly now Flying high now Gonna fly

(DOOR OPENS) And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today? I got to say, Meg, I like you so much better like this. Me, too, Meg. God, it must have been horrible in there. It wasn't so bad. I met Wesley Snipes. Is that right?

Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

"Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"? How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right!

I just have a--

Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai.

I guess this is the end, boys. Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in Heaven! Peter, Nigel confessed! You're free! You hear that, guys? We're free! Freedom! Get ready to die!

Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian.

There's a perfectly simple explanation. He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation, which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan.

maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich?

"Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"? How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"

Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet, but that's never stopped us before, right? (LAUGHING) Oh, there's no other cops here. But we do know one thing, this kid was murdered. - (ALL GASP) - Murdered? Who in the world would want to kill a camper?

Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points.

I'm not following you. Intercourse. What are you doing here? Loretta's mom was hankering For a snack, so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits. Cleveland! I mean Cheezits. Did Peter give you a clue for me? Peter? He's down at Barrington with Brian and Quagmire.

Should we take the helicopter? No, let's... Let's walk, it's a nice day. Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail. Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh...

I stepped over the line at the bar last night. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't find you attractive. I do. I just... I'm married, and... I get it. I totally understand, Joe.

What? I think what Lois is trying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively.

Jim. Your name is Jim. Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive?

Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it!

(THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over. $100,000 worth of damage. All thanks to that stupid horse of yours. Look, can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.

We're a gas family now. You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle? You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman. (PANTING) Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go!

Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out. even though she could never straighten out Bill. I love when you use topical humor. It's just like watching Murphy Brown.

A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration.

Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple. Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)

I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.

mmm. ah, Sausage-san. Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies. sir, You don't have to keep moving to the back of the line. You can have as many as you want. They're free. What are you talking about? Hey, Can I have some more sausage? Yeah. Me, too?

There you are. What? Well, you're jumpy. So, did you hear all that noise last night? I swear to God it sounded like somebody had an accident and maybe somebody got hurt. What? What are you talking about? Something must have gone down. The cops were poking around.

I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean, Chris. But I miss you.

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn. What, You're spending money on food again?

I'm so grateful. Hold that thought. Hey, boys, you're on.

Can you spare some change?

There's jugs and mugs of Molson beer

BRIAN: Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom. Brian, are you guys up? Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Go back to bed. But I'm not tired. And I'm lonely. Oh, come, get in bed with us. Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." No, no, Stewie, go away! Brian, don't be mean to him.

Hey, Lois, look at me, I got post-partum depression! (MOCK CRYING) I'm sad about stuff! (MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils. Oh, uh, Hey, kids. I'm, uh, uh, Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas. But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian. Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.

Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time. And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag. Thanks. And keep in mind, we can't use any actual brand names due to advertising concerns.

So let's just put things back the way they were, and just forget all about this, all right? You kids go back to school. Lois goes back to groceries. I go back to my job. That's not gonna work out, Dad. Why not? 'Cause you don't have a job anymore. What? Chris, what do you mean? Angela fired you and hired me. She said I've been doing twice as good a job as you did.

Yeah, you're right That's Spencer Pratt Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight To a bathroom stall delight To a bathroom stall delight Where a girl will help you empty

CHRIS: And a razor blade to shave. Wow, look at this. I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind. Hey, you guys wanna see something?

Wait, Peter! Don't go! So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy? We going to Hollywood? You betcha. But I have to say, I thought you'd drive a fancier car. What? Why? Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? No, that's another guy. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin, and at Peter Griffin Cadillac,

And in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm. That's right, Diane. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus, then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch, where the elite without feet meet to eat. Lois, this is insanity. I think we should shut down the restaurant. But why? We're doing so well.

Oh, You won't need anything where we're going. Excuse me. I've gotta go mix the punch.

I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses. All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one!

in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard!

Listen, Sarah, I got to get something off my chest. Wes! " need to open up. Sweet. So get ready 'cause here it is. My mom was right. What do you mean? - I'm not gay. - What? So, all those rounds of golf we played, those were all lies? I'm so sorry.

It's like a carpet in there. I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license. Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again! You're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING)

Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore!

Hope you like Roman Holiday. I lied. I was a princess the whole time. You bitch! I'm gonna punch you in the face!

But that's when Derek went out to the balcony. I couldn't let him contact the police before everything was in the place.

Hey, Chris. Uh, can I ask you a question? Sure, what's up? Um, remember that "free hug" coupon you gave me for my ninth birthday - that I never used? Yeah. Well, I'd like to use it. Oh. Okay. Sure. But I'd like to sort of upgrade it.

This is about your disrespect for me, this family and everything we stand for. What do we stand for? Who are we, the Goracks now? Suddenly you're Cynthia Gorack. That's what you want, isn't it? You want to be Cynthia Gorack. You know what, at least Cynthia Gorack's husband cares about her family. I can't even talk to you when you're like this. Okay. It's over now because you say it is. Way to go, Karen.

Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed. Especially that Coyote Ugly theme.

(TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend. Peter, would you stop spying on your mother's date? I can't stand it anymore, Lois.

Brian, you remember the last couple of weeks I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about. This evening is ru-ined. Look... Wait, what? This evening is ru-ined. The whole evening is ru-ined. - Why are you saying it like that? - Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's ru-ined. You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this.

He's a family guy Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything. Watch. Chris, dates... Battle of Hastings! I don't know. - Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know. - Cuban Missile Crisis! - No idea. Trail of Tears! Never heard of it. - Death of Charlemagne! - What is that? Treaty of Augsburg! I got nothing. Cortes reaches South America! Pumping a dry well.

I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now. Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point? Ah! I've heard about that place. Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.

And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow? I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here. Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work out.

Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass. Hey, don't call me names, Kyle. Hi, Kyle.

Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it. I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free!

Peter, What do you think of this bronze statue? It's nice. It's early Etruscan. Oh, Get out of here! No, seriously. Oh, That's great.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson. And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face!

(HORN HONKING) (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) (TRUCK HONKING) Almost there. Eat my dust, Lois. (BRAKES SCREECHING)

I clean in here? Yeah. That's fine. I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down. This is a very shocking Family Circus. (SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING)

(PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped. Chris, have you ever seen your father do anything bad?

Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers. Abe, shut up!

Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High. Oh, Cool. Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey!

what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow.

and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

Peter's being such a jackass. Lois, I think this is more serious than you realize. Don't you see what he's doing? He's just being immature. It's happened before. And it'll pass. Lois, what Peter is doing to you is exactly what Carter did to me for years. He's repressing your Jewish identity.

but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are when you're sober.

Oh, my God, a baby! Are you okay?

Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards! Peter!

Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet. Try giving short, simple answers.

I want to marry your daughter, and I'm here to ask for your blessing. What could you possibly have to offer my daughter? Well, I'm one of the few guys in this town who isn't dying a slow, painful diarrhea death. All right, come on in.

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that.

Where's the damn pull string? Ah. Aah! Ha. You never know what you're gonna find down here. Aah! Peter! HEy, You're the Pawtucket Patriot. Verily. Come hither and give heed.

We saw Reality Bites together. (GRUNTS) You guys, I found him! He went that way! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS)

Hey, I just found out it's November!

Thanks. Hey, How about a couple of drinks? Certainly, sir. Martini for you and the usual roofie colada for your date? No, no, No. I--i-- We-- I wouldn't bring-- Uh, glass of wine. Oh, my God! That's Jennifer Love Hewitt! Wow! I wonder who she's here with? She could date any man she wanted to.

Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right.

said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard of all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures. And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me.

Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love... No, no. Just wipe... Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian! I love you so much! Go... Go roll around in the sandbox... In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around!

Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier. You were right to criticize Meg. She could not even handle this simple task. She's in there right now, taking a nap underwater. For God's sake, save her!

Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank? I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve. Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.

And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear.

All right, my first trip to a fast-food joint as a retarded guy. Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that.

Did you kill her? Well, I held the knife.

Put it out! Put it out! Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible. What the hell? Dang it, I got a nosebleed. No, you don't.

and flavorful and very, very special. Oh, yeah, Sure, Lois. All the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section. Stop with this! Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff. I mean--i mean, Mine goes inside of me when I stand up. How do you think I feel? Is Dad mad at me? Oh, Of course not, honey.

Unless you don't think you could handle it. Oh, yeah? Well, I think I can. What was that? Never you mind what that was. (CLANGING) Rise and shine, everyone!

Stewie, we gotta get out of here fast. Quick, set up the return pad and let's get back to our own time. Right. What's wrong? Why are we still here? I don't know. Stewie, it's not working. Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting. Oh, God, should we ask somebody for help?

What? No. Yeah, who cares? What do you want? Listen, I was at the hospital earlier, and I heard something I wish I hadn't. Oh. Please do not tell me it was a sexist remark, because that is not okay. You know, those nurses are busting their asses, weighing people and seeing how tall they are. Stewie, I heard a doctor tell Carter he has two weeks to live.

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh!

(BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Well, you know, When I was your age, we had way better drinking games. Ow! Ha! Ha! You drink!

Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING) (MEN LAUGHING) Okay. Okay, guys. here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing. I find her insufferable.

Ok, that one's a feminist type. She's into he-men. And that one's mad for jazz. Watch this. The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable! I can bench-press 800 pounds! You, me and Coltrane till dawn!

I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday. Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him. Here. Right-- Right this way.

Oh, my God! It's Mr. Fargas! He was my favorite teacher! Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect a clown! Well, No wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy!

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.

Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. (PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.

Be strong. Oh, Daddy.

Oh, my God! (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look.

(GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.

What? I'm just screwing around, Brian. Nobody cares. Peter, what are you doing? She's still here, Lois. Wasn't she supposed to leave, like, two hours ago? I thought so. Go ask her what she's doing.

(CHEERING) In photography studios. Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this. MAN: And in simple American households. Okay, Barney. I'm going to work now.

Ugh! What the deuce?

Don't feel too bad, gang. We only beat you by one hour, 12 minutes and 43 seconds. And, quite frankly, we're bored of it up here. So you guys enjoy it. We're gonna head back down. I hate those guys. Yeah, me, too. Come on. Let's head back down. At least the hard part's over.

That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know? I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say,

JOE: Yeah, is that like a rummage sale thing? QUAGMIRE: Ah! Nicole Eggert. JOE: Didn't she bang somebody gross? QUAGMIRE: I don't know. JOE: Yeah, I feel like she banged somebody gross. QUAGMIRE: You know, I heard the sweater budget on this show was 200 grand. Didn't you tell me that, Peter? Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good.

There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me. My God. I haven't seen everyone this miserable since that time we were tortureD. I--I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just, did I just get bit by a mosquito?

Why is everybody glaring at us? Why, Lois? I'll tell you why. your--Your faux pas last night at the concert was so upsetting I called a university professor to tell me what phrase to use to describe it. Use "faux pas." Thanks, professor. You've been living a lie all these years. You represented yourself as a K.I.S.S. fan.

Oh, yes, I love living here, in the next town over.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I'm putting out the presents. Not like that you're not. Tall in the back, short in the front. And show some care, for God's sake. You know, those aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department to some battered women's shelter. Those are Santa gifts, Brian.

Lois, I don't know what the big deal is. So they're gay. It's not like we're gonna have a gay sex orgy in the living room. That's not what I'm talking about. I've got nothing against homosexuals. I mean, I'll watch anything with David Schwimmer. But the idea of two men actually getting married,

Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do Hold it. Hold it. (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) What... What's going on here? - I'm pregnant. - You... - You're what? - Yeah.

Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan.

That stripper has a rash on her ass just like Anna Lee used to get.

aah! Blast you, woman!

It's part of the hibernation sickness. That and these lesions, and the fatigue that I've been feeling, and the persistent cough.

Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich?

What is it? One bedroom, one bath? No, it's a whole apartment. Oh, God, outstanding! So, Stewie, do you work with Brian at the detective agency? Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do. At the detective agency. That's got to be a tough job.

I'll bet it was just right. Look, I know sometimes I give you a hard time. You know, calling you names, reading your diary, farting in your cereal when you go to get milk and then laughing, "She doesn't know she's eating my fart". But, you know, Meg, I'm starting to realize I got a really wonderful daughter.

Good luck. I hope you like weird boobs.

Turns out he wasn't very good at catching stuff with his mouth. - Where's your girlfriend? - Same problem.

MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary! You must remember this

Kill him. Kill Brian for me. (EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Family Guy is brought to you by AXE Body Spray. AXE Body Spray. Spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower. Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh? AXE Body Spray.

Why, you're no better than what you made me out to be. Sure, I made some mistakes in my life. I forget to take the trash out some days, I've left the toothpaste cap on the bathroom counter. I've taped football games without the express written consent of the National Football League. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not perfect.

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

Sad. "I won't let you walk out of here without that dress." "I don't know. Will I ever wear it?"

Peter, I want you to promise me you'll never do anything that stupid again. Lois, after what you did for Joe, I'll promise you anything. How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand? I told him it was for me. I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer.

Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For example, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around, watching this emotional moment,

You sure? Aren't you hungry? Thanks, Mom. But I want to be there when he first gets up. - He's so cute. - What? I... Um... I mean, she's so cute. Susie. She's all right.

What? But it's at my house. Uh, Connie, let me handle this. I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come. There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of. Hey, Chris, come on! Let's corner the nerds and call them gay and make them show us their penises! (CHUCKLES) Won't that be gay of them? (LAUGHING) Yeah!

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm no different than any other guy.

So? Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me. (SOBBING) PETER: Put the dog out. The dog's crying. Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out? I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you?

Ok. "Insert Rod Support 'A' into Slot 'B.'" That's what-- And if you say "That's what she said," one more time, I'm gonna pop you. What you building there, neighbor?

Oh, You wanna dance?

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle. Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real.

Oh, my God! That is real! No, total fake. (ALL ARGUING) Look at that. That is obviously a suit. Look at the way it walks. Why would somebody make that up, Lois? What's in it for them? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Mr. G. How's it going? Quagmire, what are you doing here? Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys. Me and Glenn are going out. What? Like hell you are!

Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kind of disguise. Oh, my God, Dad! What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh! Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING)

You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me. That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing, Tiffani. Thank you. Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?

Do you really enjoy being Carol Pewterschmidt-Johnson- Carrington-Stone-O'Craggity- Canseco-Shteinholtz- Washington-Proudfoot-Fong? Look, I know I have a bit of a checkered past, but I believe in love at first sight. Hey, Lois, I didn't flush. I want you to come see it. Looks like the Starbucks mermaid. Peter, Carol is marrying Mayor West.

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too.

Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy, here to tell you about a new CD offer. Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well."

I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know...

All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.

And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook!

Wow, this is amazing, Chris. Look at this, Lois, a week ago, we call him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. Right, stupid? (GROANS) I'll do better. So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do,

It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither. Well, it... Well, it... You... Really? Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? No, no, nothing, nothing.

Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

That means two things.

and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants.

Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time.

All clear, sir. Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like. (SCREAMING)

dangerous minorities do. See, Lois? They're responsible. Hey! Hey, Check it out, Chris. I can write my name in the snow.

Hey, everyone. Say hello to my state-appointed inspirational social worker, Vern. It's truly a pleasure to meet you all.

I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine."

Guys, guys. Someone's getting frogged in the clubhouse. Quagmire! She sounds fat.

Yeah, we're walking in now. Make sure Tom Tucker knows he has 20 minutes and he is to only talk about the book, no personal questions, all right? Are you okay? You good? You need anything? All right. All right, we're inside and there is nobody here to greet us. We have no idea where we are or where we're supposed to go. Wait, is that you on the phone over there? Is this... This is us. Look over here.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss! It's not too late, Meg.

Totally! I'm never doing drugs now!

Oh! Here I go! There's only one solution It's in the Constitution We've got to pull the plug There he is! Quick, Peter, grab the video camera.

Yeah, I guess that is what I said. No, no, we can't forget the whole thing! Yeah, you know, he's right. We can't forget it. Fine. Now here's the plan. I'm taking Quagmire for a little ride, and you guys are gonna stay out here and freeze to death. Now, get those hands where I can see 'em! All the way up!

Is there some joke area of a beaver eating a woodpecker? Is that something? Would that work? And there's Warren Buffett. So, the gym teacher says, "How'd you get the two black eyes?" She says, "I don't know." Oh, I forgot to say she's got two big jugs. (LAUGHING) Wow. These are some of the world's smartest people.

All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore. And, by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.

Strange. These conventions usually have Segway parking. Hello? Am I too late for the tttKA? Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A.

I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again. I won't, I swear! (SOBBING) Stewie, calm down. Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on The Price is Right.

" said more Skittles. All right. That is it, Meg. You know, ever since you got that makeover... you've developed a terrible attitude. And all the success with the family band is only making it worse. The family band? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band.

Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.

That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is. I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race. I'm sorry, everybody. I've let you all down. Yes. You suck.

Super. And only 3 more hours till school. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?

Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

Were you followed? Don't worry. I've got a decoy. Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh? Well, I never! That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.

What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither. Well, it... Well, it... You... Really? Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? No, no, nothing, nothing. It's nothing, I guess. I think it's great. Congratulations.

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods. That's a great idea, Brian. If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family. No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you.

DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail. DOLPHIN 2: Where? What? Oh! You know I'm just playing with you. Man, you are... Oh, I thought you was talking about other seaweed. You know I got jokes. (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) I'm gonna slap you with my fin.

(KIDS CHATTERING) Wow, Peter, I gotta say, this lemonade stand was a really good idea. It's selling really well. That's because it has my secret ingredient in it. Vodka! (SLURRING) You know what we should do? You know what we should do? We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go.

Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends.

This will help us fall asleep, Lois. (CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Hey, are you guys gonna feed us anytime soon? No, sorry, we're doing meth stuff now. I'll eat that. You just got clean.

I hope you know what you're doing. I've just found that Leia's constant questioning of me has not been productive to the atmosphere of the ship. And I think that she just needs to get some respect for herself.

(CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved. Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Glenn, these past few weeks have been amazing. I think I'm falling in love with you.

Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um, uh, skills. And...

It's just that I'm so busy all the time.

You know we are, Brian. Why do you think we waited so long to take you to the groomer's last month?

Well, there she is. A birdhouse. I just hope whoever moves in doesn't mind the Persian birds next door. Eh! Tweet, tweet. Check out my expensive fountain.

Ah! Oh, my eyes! Could you please turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus!

No! God bless you, sir, you saved my life. But at what cost? At what cost?

Stranger things have happened in medicine. I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab. Okay, Doc, we got to have a talk at some point, but Brian, are... Are you... Are you sure about this? Well, there's no harm in seeing if I'm compatible.

What the hell? What's going on with the news? This is terrible. Yeah, has he lost his mind? Well, I'll be damned. If I knew he was gonna do all that stuff I told him, I would've told him more stuff. What? Peter, you told him to do this crap? Yeah, he came to my house when he found out I was a Nielsen family. Asked what I wanted to see. Hey, hey, you know what would be cool?

Come on, you son of a... Oh...me. Brian, would you mind? (GROANS) Yeah, sure. Oh, sorry. I haven't had sex in two weeks. I'm just a little on edge lately. (SCOFFS) A little? There wasn't this much tension when the slaves were freed.

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the--

You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Okay, let's just say for a minute that I do have a drinking problem. How is being forced to join a cult for 30 days supposed to fix that? I see you got your own thing going on this week, but there's a new teacher at preschool who deactivates the camera and then hits us. Brian, AA's been around for years. It's helped a lot of people get over their addiction.

(UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus.

CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Cut the maudlin crap. We're in trouble here. It's already below freezing, and it's getting colder. We're gonna die unless... unless we do something drastic. What? We have to slice open our camel's stomach and shelter ourselves in his entrails. Eviscerate Chucky? I won't do it! Look, we're gonna die if we don't. All right.

Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

Believe me, I know what I'm doing.

oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him!

Oh. WE--wEll, It's still pretty pricey! Peter, who cares how much the Bill is? You've just got the most important bill of all, a clean bill A health. Ah, Jeez, Lois. How long you been waiting to crack out that gem? Aw, This sucks, Brian. Wh--Why should I have to pay this? I mean, There's nothing wrong with me.

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous.

Oh, boy, Lois! It's a real mess down there. I--I'm afraid I not going to be able to do this in the time I quoted you earlier.

(LOUD CHEERING) Lois! You did it! I love you so much!

Oh, God, it's worse than I imagined. You know, maybe it'd help if we just tried to track Meg's movements from the moment she arrived in France. That's a good idea, Brian. Let's try Google Earth. Worth a shot. There. Enhance.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Thelma. Hello, darling. My God, what a pleasant surprise. Mom, what are you doing here? Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second.

but don't worry, this don't affect that. We interrupt this program for some breaking news, which is why I'm still chewing a bagel. (CHEWING) Mmm. Just roll the footage. JOYCE: A major drug bust in Quahog today, as police seized over 100 kilos of cocaine. TOM: (SMACKS LIPS) Okay, I'm done. That's right, Joyce!

If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.

(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.

the picture's gonna change into something else.

Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers!

HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen. Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie?

Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards! Peter! Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife,

and have a wonderful time Is that it? Oh, No, no. It's, uh, And something, something all day Right? Oh, man! I've lost all faith in mankind.

I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

My God! I thought I needed to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life, but the only thing I'm missing is my family. How could I ever become involved in this filthy, degrading business? And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo!

And the rest, well... You did all the rest for me. You turned on Tom exactly as I planned. So there it is, Lois. My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know.

Never. (BOTH CHUCKLING) That's the writer in you, Brian. Did you always know that's what you wanted to do? Well, actually, I really thought I was gonna be an actor at one point. I even got a few high-profile gigs. Really? Anything I've seen? Oh, you ever heard of a tiny little independent movie called Die Hard? Wow! You were in that?

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Land mines? Land mines. It was land mines.

Sir Chadwell Heath. (LAUGHING)

And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"

(TIRES SCREECHING) Hey, Cousin! (CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper! Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor. How was your flight? Oh, torture! Five hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave.

He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God! You can talk!

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

Hi, guys. Hi, Jillian. Oh, hey, Jillian.

Who the hell do you think you are? Brian! Brian, do something. Look, I'm sorry about this. Let me just pay the fine or whatever and I'll make sure this doesn't happen again. You can pick him up tomorrow. Oh, okay. Just bring a trash bag. What did he mean by that? Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that.

Oh, my God, Peter! Oh, I'm leaving. I cannot get sick right now.

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!

Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad. No--No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late.

You know, the only thing that was holding me back even a little is knowing how much Lois is gonna milk this. Everyone, I truly want to thank you for your support and remind you that as far as casseroles go, we're good on pasta, but we could use some more dessert items.

Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What?

(PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me?

Dropped it at the what? And where was I? Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet. "I dropped it at the concert." "The hooker took it." "It's with my other family." That one was true. And let me tell you something, they appreciate me for who I am. All right, Peter, have a good business trip.

Ok, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wifE. Ok. And where are we? A bar! A pet store!

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Here in status-symbol land

What the hell? Dick.

When's the beating gonna come, Brian? Just tell me when it's gonna come! Just do something, anything! Look, look, I'll do it. I'll do it first. Look, I'll do it even worse.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible. What the hell? Dang it, I got a nosebleed. No, you don't.

(GASPS) (GASPS IN HIGHER PITCH) (GASPING IN TREMOLO) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY)

Sounds good to me. (WHEELS SQUEAKING)

Hi, Brian. I'm Cathy from the book society. So glad you could come.

You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian? Hi, I'm Greg Louganis. I'm totally shaven. Terrific! Terrific.

you gotta ditch that negative attitude. You're as bad as Negatron.

Enough of this crap. Ezekiel.

(ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen.

To us. Meg, if you were any more beautiful, that'd be neat. (GLASSES CLINK) So, what should we do next... (THUDS) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Toby, what happened?

I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir. Thanks, Joe. Clam later? We'll hoist a few? Sure, Peter. Joe! Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.

- I'd like to see you have at it. - Would you now? Hey, you heard of a man named Mickey McFinnegan? Have I heard of him? Of course I've heard of him. He's the town drunk. Town drunk? Oh, my God. You mean, he's the disgrace of the whole town?

(BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING) DREYFUSS: Now, he said, "Sic them, boy." But what I heard was, "Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans "who aren't as bitter as they should be." Glad I could do my part. I think you may have done too much.

And she says, "An abortion here? "Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. "How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand. "We can't get an abortion here."

Good job, Brian. Don't worry. I'll help you through this. So, you wanna get something to eat? Can we go someplace where the menus have pictures of the food? Let's go someplace where the menus have pictures of food!

And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop. Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve.

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking, and I just don't want to engage.

I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh!

I don't think it's a gay drink.

This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois! Maybe I should go in. He's so upset.

Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Have a go, Brian. As Mr. H. L. Mencken said "The common man's a fool" And just like Helen Keller said... (MUMBLING) But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear Hey! Because all we need is a bag o' weed to make us want to cheer

Um, I have a peanut M&M up my nose, and it's now further up than my finger can reach. I am ready to farm this out to someone. Oh, Stewie, there you are. Peter, I asked you to do one simple thing. Watch the baby. And you couldn't even do that. Come on, Stewie. Jeez, why's she got to be such a nag? I wish she was more like Mother Maggie.

Adzin, look! (GASPS) It can't be. No! We'll never defeat The Corporation!

Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television! Ok, How about this?

There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen in the hole in the bottom of the sea Get a nurse. There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!"

No, I mean, you can't go in there, because that door leads nowhere. Use the door next to it. All right, Callaghan, me and my son want you to uncancel Gumbel 2 Gumbel. Well Sir, We only air the show. We have nothing to do with it being canceled. I have all the episodes on tape would you like to borrow 'em. Ok, you Bastard, you wanna play rough?

(OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted. MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas!

Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby. I brought Stewie into this world. It's time for me to take him out.

Lois, I know you love this town, but nothing is ever as innocent as it seems.

No, I just felt like killing. (LAUGHING) Ah! You tell the best stories! Me and my three eggs are having the best time! We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets.

and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

We're working on something.

they've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons. Yeah, yeah. And they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress. I don't get that one! Hi, there, Jeff. Hey, what's going on, dudes? Brenda just fell.

Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman. Now, you probably just think of me as "square old Mr. Quagmire from next door," but, I've been around the block a few times, learned a couple things. And I can tell you this, there's no reason to grow up too fast.

How big business is crushing the underclass. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?

Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House. (SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes!

Stewie? (TRUCK HORN HONKING) Say "Yes" to life, Brian! I'll be home for Christmas. Son of a bitch!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Yeah, we missed you. Well, thanks for putting up with me, you guys. Sorry, I got so flipped out about my age. Aw, don't worry about it, Lois. But from now on, remember, I love you just the way you are. And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35. Peter, I'm 43. Get out of this house.

I ain't neither! And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight! See you there, pal! You can't stay in that house! Old Man Selberg's ghost still haunts it. Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens from years... ...of substandard housekeeping. It does not augur well for you. Zip it, egghead.

Oh, my God! Get over yourself! Well, look, all I'm saying is, I remember when Brian had a similar difficulty with Meg. Maybe she's prone to quick and severe infatuation. Yeah, with a dog, not a cripple. Hey, easy there. All right, look, maybe I'm wrong.

because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us!

(SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me! Yeah, but I got you good, Lois. Admit it. Just say it, I got you. (LAUGHING) Oh, all right, you got me.

Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club. He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me. MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett!

Can't you just come in here? No, I'm busy! (CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh!

Dear God, my time machine!

Just now, talking to that bitch cancer widow. I think I may have a gift. Peter, we were just doing a demonstration... No, Brian. This is real. I believe I am psychic. My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic.

Good, now repeat it back to me. Okay, I shoot Pat Tillman, then run over the horizon. No. He's on our side! You charge the enemy... Right, and shoot Pat Tillman. No, no, no, no! Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again, 'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time.

That cheesecake was for everyone. Her hand was right beneath my pillow. She could have snapped my neck if she had a mind to. Don't worry about it. I'm sure it will be a while before you lose another tooth. I can't wait for that. I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself. But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy.

Well, then we are on two different wavelengths.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no! oh, That was Brian's favorite commercial. "Brian"? "Brian"? No, it's not ringing a bell. Stop it! We all miss him. Go find him, apologize, and bring him home. You heard him. He doesn't want to be a part of this family. We don't need him. We'll get another pet.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)

Now, I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but don't you think you're a little small? Listen, I tell you what. You can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal. Oh, no! They're after me Kevin Connolly charms!

There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold!

They're almost like a woman's. Oh, look, I'm tugging at them and they're getting even bigger. Carter, what you're doing here is criminal, and I'm gonna tell the whole world about it. Is that right? Who's gonna believe you? The Internet? You'll be just another nut-job, left-wing blogger. Security! MAN: Everything's fine. No, it isn't. Get in here.

I mean, bullying makes you feel pretty cool. Yeah. I guess it was kind of cool. You know, I always used to be the nerd getting bullied, but doing it to someone else was pretty sweet. And the more you do it, the sweeter it gets. (SCREAMS) Cook much?

Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?

Hi, honey. How was school? Just great.

We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible.

Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11.

And where, if you think you can dance,

I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude.

very delicious, steamed vegetable dish for Chris. Oh, I hate vegetables. Honey, they're good for you. Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime. Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some.

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand. The Army said you'd been killed in action. What happened? Well, it's quite a story.

She charges you? Well, that's weird. Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear? I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian. Well, I just think you're being sold a bill of goods. Brian, I don't care what you think. And for your information, there are gonna be some changes around here.

We'll be good, mister! We was just fooling around, is all! Jabba! This is your last chance! Free us or die! (ALL LAUGHING)

Wait a minute! I got it! No, lost it. There it is again! Perfect, Peter. Now we can all enjoy it. Here's to togetherness! Car! Car! Car! Meg, order up! Here you go, hon.

That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island. Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know.

No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

So come on down to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday! Get your eyesight fixed. Unless you don't have the balls. (THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish! Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery.

Peter, there's a guy standing out in the yard. Oh, yeah, that's Larry.

So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened. Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room.

Where're we going? Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. We're going to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.

Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What? Did you name it? Uh, yeah, he's Paul. Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard.

Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. - All right, Brian. - Good.

There's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap. That was classic. Boy. I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me? If every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the superbowl, no one would be married.

But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me.

(LAUGHING) Cereals do change. Now, here's something, here's something. Did you hear about this? Here's a bunch of words in a row. Because the economy's so bad, they've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons. Yeah, yeah. And they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress. I don't get that one!

Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you.

(PANTING) Are you okay? Yeah. I was so scared. Well, it sure would suck if you guys died without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler, who was Adolf's favorite brother. Hey, there you are. Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden? Peter, can't you see I'm busy?

And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body. Come on. I'll show you around. Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital.

Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns? Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation systeM.

Oh, honey, that sounds awful. I know what will cheer you up. You want to scratch my pet rabbit, Steven, on his nose with your index finger? I like rabbits 'cause you can pull their ears back and make them look like Asian people. (IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC) Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!"

By purchasing this video,

Hey, I say who cares, you know? If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us, I say we should let them. JASPER: Oh, no! What's wrong? Look. Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriages next week.

Meg, you're the man of the family now. Be strong. Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man. Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like. A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT?

I don't know. I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Well, why don't you try insulting me? Yeah, okay. Sometimes you chase helicopters. That's kind of lame. Yeah. Um...

Lois? What are you doing here? Mom, I've been trying to get ahold of you. Is Daddy okay? Where is he? Oh, he's fine, dear, but now's not a good time. He's very busy. Look, I know something's going on. I want to see him.

Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me. All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD) So, you gonna introduce me to your pals? That's Trap Jaw, that's Optimus Prime, that's Destro, and that's a Care Bear.

I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you.

I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here. Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. But I do have a job to do. So get moving. 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty. Doodie means poop. It does. Are you, Dad? Are you the only one who does his duty? That's not how I remember it. What are you talking about? You don't remember, do you?

A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

Oh, that's plenty, thanks. None for me, thanks. My boyfriend just dumped me. There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Thanks! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Brian! You did it! Oh, I say, this is an even bigger accomplishment than getting Minnie Driver's head to fit onscreen.

Get back inside! I'll get you when we's eating them.

The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me. Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own. Now, see, that's what people hate. Really? I'm telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be. Wow, it's so obvious. Thanks, Daddy. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.

Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg.

It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that. Anyway, isn't this a beautiful little girl? Yeah, but she kind of stinks.

No, this is just a taqiyah. It's a traditional Muslim prayer cap. Oh. Hey, you know who'd look funny wearing one of those? - The Monopoly guy. - (LAUGHS) Correct. Go directly to jail and convert to Islam. (LAUGHS) 'Cause they do that. Yes, that is what I intended. Hey, you're all right, Mahmoud.

Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself! Ow! Peter, You're supposed to hit Brian! Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the housE!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, there's been no sign of your husband for two months. We're gonna have to suspend our search.

STEWIE: Dear Brian, it's been a week since you left, and I'm pretty sure I've set things right. So I've built a cryogenic stasis device and am placing myself inside it, leaving instructions for it to be buried in very specific coordinates in what will be future Quahog. If everything goes according to plan,

- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. (Man) And if you look off the left side of the ship,

Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything.

It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome. You're such a cutie patootie. If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie. Aw! I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING)

Some hardcore shit, right?

(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

Stewie, look at this. September 1, 1939. There's something about that date.

Brian, do women like it when you treat them like crap? Well, I don't know if you want to be that black and white about it. That's it, isn't it? Women respond when you treat them like crap. Well, Olivia, prepare to meet a much darker Stewie Griffin.

Oh. Hi, Peter. Look, I'm sorry about how I acted. It's just Lois means everything to me. And when I saw you together, I didn't know what was gonna happen. I just thought you might try to mount her or whatever it is you guys do. Peter, how could you even think that?

Educate yourself, you fool. Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen for a sec... No, you listen, Brian! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you. What? When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding that she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up,

(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can.

STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new?

uh. Ooh. ah. Nice work, rookie.

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh,

I'm the guy who ruined television,

and even then, it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet.

"It's like a half-hour commute." And she said, "I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's pre-school." (SCREAMING)

You know, I always thought I'd be a good Florida whore.

Oh, my God! We were robbed! Is anything missing? No. I don't think sO. Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape? Should I call the cops? I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner.

"Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner? Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?

(GROANS) I got one! I think I got one! Yeah, yeah, but I got the other four. (GROANS) They're gone now. They're gone. Well, they took the gift I had for you, but at least you're okay. And that trip to the Eiffel Tower was just amazing.

And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it. I guess I thought that if I could bring you down, you wouldn't start to notice that you're too good for me and run off looking for another fella. Peter, that's ridiculous. I love you. Why? Maybe I like fat guys. You do?

We got to get you back on track. Isn't that right, buddy? (GRUNTING) Look, it's working! Okay, good. So, feral Peter, why don't you put in tape number two and let's get started.

You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS

Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show.

(PLAYING SERENE TUNE)

Shut up and give me the money!

TV HOST: And now back to Old People Agree With Arnold Palmer. Tomato soup, grilled cheese, and a weak cup of tea... is the best lunch in my book. undefinedHe's right. " enjoy things I remember. Peter, I'm off to my book club. Don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting. Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high? Not anymore. I crashed hours ago.

Hey, That's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm gonna start right now. Cratchit, you're working through Christmas! But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting. Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this.

Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away. Yeah, definitely. Maybe it's a my-two-dads kind of situation? Right. Like they don't know which one was the real father, so they both call themselves Dad. So, wait, were both the guy in the car and the doctor biological parents? Yes. And the guy in the car was the biological father.

Listen, Joan. I have something very important to ask you. DOLPHIN 1: Hey, James. DOLPHIN 2: Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna see how long I can hold my breath. I see you breathing out your hole. What is it, Glenn?

I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments. So this will be our last episode of Jolly Farm.

Let's type it in and see what comes up. So, you can just rot out here, Brian. Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole? James Woods did it. Hey, where'd you get the clothes?

What? We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas? It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter, what's up?

Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me!

Jackasses. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. Congratulations. Stewie's gonna be on the show. Did you hear that, Lois? We're going to Hollywood! where the people are sexy and clever and they always say something funny right before the commercial break.

I mean, some of the stuff in here is... Hey, baloney!

Play Wheels on the Bus and get the hell out of my sight.

It starts with checking out sweet-ass DVD releases, like Iron Man, directed by Jon Favreau. Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.

Hmm, That's not very impressive. I mean, it's just 3 letters. It's hardly a name at all. I never wanted to call her Meg. I wanted to call her Twiki. But Lois said kids these days wouldn't get the reference. You know who I'm talking about, right? Biddy, Biddy, Biddy. Uh, I'm not quite sure you're Brown material. Don't you have any extracurricular activities at all?

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country, but the record wouldn't allow it. But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium.

Stop it! Stop clapping right now!

(GROWLING) Okay, okay. Peter, I wish you'd go over there and patch things up with Joe. Hey, screw him, Lois. He doesn't need us anymore, now that he's got his cool, new friends. I tell you, those legs have turned him into a complete jerk.

And We also used to play buck-buck.

Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone!

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money? Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money. Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!

or Testicular Sound Express. I think the name is Meg. Me? Why? Yeah, why? Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her out front, center stage. And that's gonna make y'all billionaires... because America loves hot, white jailbait ass. Wait a minute.

Gladiator mice. (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing!

I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding. (LAUGHING) Well, Chris, here we are.

Thank you, Miss Ironbox. You are a valued member of our business team. And I will give you a raise tomorrow, if you come to work without a shirt on. Mr. Griffin! I--I'm sorry. That came out wrong. L-l-l-Let me try again. nice ass.

(BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

Hi. I was gonna catch The Big Bang Theory tonight,

No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves. Peter, what's inside of Lois won't be remotely human for six months.

You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers

You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now! Girl? Girl. Oh, no! The egg that I was supposed to take care of for my high school project! Mr. Burke was right. I'm not ready to be a parent.

Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

Look, Peter, I thought it might interest you to know that I'm Jewish. What? He's Jewish, Peter. Jewish? Like full on? Like you practice "Jewiism"? I am a Jew. Prove it!

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

You got a new dog? Yes, sir. But... I'm the dog. Well, now that you're getting older, New Brian's here to take some of the load off. Can he do tricks? You bet! He's trained to fetch, roll over, and make you feel really good about yourself. Wow, Meg and Chris, I can't decide which one of your hats I like better!

I'm Thelma. I'll just be going. Can I get you some punch? Oh, no. You see, if you're one of 10 million Americans like me... Like me. Like me. ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you. Ew!

(GASPS) FEMALE VOICE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency? Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed by an Imperial walker and I need roadside assistance. Of course, sir. Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar? Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar.

(GASPS) You mean it? Absolutely! You're hired! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Well, I guess sometimes you're just right for the part.

No, you imbecile!

Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.

Nice game, Peter. Yeah, I'm on a roll. And I whipped Chris on the ice today, too.

Now everybody pair up! All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out. Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard? Oh, Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs. Oh, God, kill me now.

Let's go! Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson. Seems he left something very valuable in his room and we're here to retrieve it. Mr. Gibson just checked out a moment ago. Uh, There he goes now. Oh--oh, Lois, run! Hey, stop!

Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

But, uh, I was also being pretty generous.

Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.

knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was. You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew. So take it from me, McGriffin, the Drug Dog. if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself.

Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom! And that was the last time I ever saw her. Well, Brian, i--I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems. You have abandonment issues. You need to confront your mother and deal with this. What, Are you crazy?

Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter.

Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs And in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm. That's right, Diane. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus, then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch,

What am I gonna do, Brian? James Woods has taken my life and my family. I know, Peter, but identity theft is one of the hardest things to fight.

Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian!

I saw buying it as a way to carry on Horace's legacy. So I own the Clam now. Chief, you can call off your cops. And you can send those bulldozers home. Yay, The Clam is saved! Yeah! All right. We pulled it off, guys. Oh, thank God.

Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe. Real oddballs. I don't trust them. I saw them taking coupons out of our mailbox. I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman.

Brian, you're acting a little distant. Yeah, get whatever you want. Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here. Oh, hey, Quagmire. Listen, Brian, I've been a real heel, and I'd like to make it up to you. Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but there's no need. No, no, I want to. I want to.

What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God!

Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there.

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film.

(INAUDIBLE) Okay, there's a book signing at the Barnes and Noble on Union Square at 5:00. And then at 7:00 you're meeting with a reporter from In Style magazine at Pastis. I just want to warn you, she's very heavy. So be prepared for that. Jeez, how heavy? I don't know, but apparently heavy enough that they felt they needed to warn me.

And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle! Yeah, I heard it. They say my name on TV all the time. Calm down, bitch. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me, even though it's been a day-and-a-half since I've showered, and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim!

Are those new slacks? What's that now? Are those new slacks?

I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies!

Honey, you awake? Morning, sweetie.

How are we gonna figure out who has your credit card? I got it, Brian. Smell my ass. What? Smell my ass. It's where I keep my wallet. Get the scent and then find the guy that smells like me. Peter, that's ridiculous. Come on, boy, get the scent. Cut it out! Get a good sniff. That's disgusting. You're an idiot, you know that? Wait a minute. (SNIFFING) Your wallet's over there.

Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed. Uh... Lois, aren't you a little freaked out by this? Why? Everybody's having a great time. Besides, think of the money we're making. I don't care about that. I wanted a cool restaurant, not the cafeteria at the veterans' hospital.

You guys, I have some bad news. I just finished going over the books, and this restaurant is hemorrhaging money. What? Well, how is that possible? Isn't it obvious? We're not getting enough customers. This place is like a ghost town half the time. Yeah, maybe somebody should have asked me. After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience.

yee-ah! Lois, that was amazing! Congratulations-- This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends.

Hey, Chris, do you know your bacne spells "Citibank" in Braille? Great. You had to chase the butterfly. Yes, I had to chase the butterfly. I came out here to observe nature.

Blast! Jeez. We're screwed! Look, I promise if we get out of this alive I'm gonna help out around the house and say "I love you" every day. You mean it? I'm a changed man, Lois. A better man. And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game I never would've learned this valuable lesson.

Is someone there? Lois! Who are you? Hi. I'm Nate Griffin. I work against my will for your dad. Oh, yeah? Well, what do you do? Well, let's just say I know my way around a hoe. (BOTH CHUCKLING) PETER: And from the moment that piece of off-color blue comedy was uttered, their lives were changed forever.

Come, Wendy, fly with me.

No! Wait a second. Got something. This could be the real deal, boys! Let's do it!

Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

"Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm! "We don't even know anybody there!" You see, she's a real spitfire, this girl. Now, you got to bring that out or else I have nothing to react to. Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

Let's get the hell outta here. Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it!

Good for you, Peter. Congratulations. You've just bought yourself a cursed boat. Cursed? The last captain of that vessel lost his life. And it weren't no accident! His name was Salty. And he was devoured by Daggermouth, the man-eating blowfish.

(INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

No. That's just our women. Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips with jam booties!

I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?

Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes.

Oh, er... What's wrong? Nothing. It's just that I like to put the straw in myself.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Aye. Aye, aye, mate.

Hey, look what I found. Wow, authentic Native American remains. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site.

(STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SOBBING) We broke up.

My God, that's amazing! You are so talented. Huh? Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony. Come on, Chris.

What's your name, sweetie?

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot. You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust.

Well, it's worth a try. Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball. God, he's like a totally different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu.

Joe! You're okay! Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy!

How is it anything like a monkey having the keys to an amusement park? I don't know. The hours would be erratic. Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it. Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.

Reagan sleepy. You're an ass, you know that? You're just jealous because I'm hanging around with someone else. Hey, I don't care, man. Girls are stupid anyway. Well, fine. Then maybe I'll go see her right now. Fine! I'll just hang out with James Woods. Well, Peter, thanks for lunch. - Guess I'll be heading back to old L.A. now. - You're leaving?

Well, Peter's been very preoccupied with work lately. I guess Stewie's been missing his father. Thank you for letting me know. (CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved. Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation. (ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc?

Don't worry, Rupert. I know how to get him out of his funk. Poor bastard's more upset than I was when I read Curious George Goes to His Gym Coach's Apartment.

MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe...

Would you call me "Big Rudy" when you do it?

Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter.

I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

Say Meg, looking sharp. You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?

Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more. Peter, wait. I-- "Very interesting. "But stupid."

but I created an exact replica of the Raytheon executive headquarters in El Segundo, California.

I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey! (BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. To what? To the poison you just drank.

We both ordered the Turkey Ranch and Swiss, no onions. Can you believe that? No. Wow! What are the odds? Well, hey, what are the odds of finding true love anywhere in the world, says this observer. Hey, you want to know something cool?

And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club! Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant.

Face it, Lois. I'm a nobody. Why can't I be famous like Bob? Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin? Ok. and Then I got on Suddenly Susan, And that was, like, really cool. And I still do standup. And people laugh and give me money, and that's also cool. Isn't this great catching up? Oh. Anyway, I was in college-- She's still talking.

This is stressing the crap out of me.

uh... this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it?

I faked all my orgasms.

(STATIC) Hello, ghosts. Come in, ghosts. I am Peter Griffin. I am your friend. Don't be shy. Humphrey Bogart. Don Knotts. That kid I was supposed to be watching at the pool. Hello? REAGAN: Hello. Hello? Who's this?

Oh, my God, what are they doing? Why are they trying to publicly humiliate me like this? I mean, what's the purpose.... Shiny red ball. Peter, watch out!

I guess I've just got to let him go. Wow, that's very grown-up of you, Stewie. Hey, dog, let's go. My dad won you fair and square. You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone.

You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that. Thank you, Lois.

It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois. I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.

Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink. You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.

Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot. it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip.

I'm just out here for fun... PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores!

I won't! Just sleep with me, just this once, and it'll give me everything I need. Sleep with me tonight. Save my life. That was fantastic! It was exactly what I needed.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Hey, guys, I can see the plane that brought us here! If we can figure out a way to get to it, I can fly us home! I got an idea. One of us should pretend we're hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump them. That's perfect, Joe. Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks.

Good morning, everyone.

I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android. You may call me A.N.N.A. I am a robot ninja from the planet England, who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny. I've been expecting you, A.N.N.A.

What are you gonna do about it? What are you.... I'm not a dog, you fat bastard! Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Well, I loved this book.

Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home. Don't look, Marion. Okay.

I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

So we take each other's hand 'Cause we seem to understand the urgency Just remember You're the one thing I can't get enough of

Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on! Hurry! (WHINING) Oh. I can't eat anymore. Remember what I told you. I get these weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get 'em checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me. He's right. I can do it!

Fine, I didn't want to play anyway! Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square!

Why noT? You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper? Oh, It's ok, Death. You just worry about feelin' better. Lois, What the hell are you doing?

Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING) All right, you caught me.

You're still not knitting honestly, Peter. You're knitting like you want us to like you. It's not coming from inside. It's very superficial. Thank you! You've made my decision easier! Yes! That! Knit that!

What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me! Ugh! Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh!

PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

What is it, Glenn? Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me? Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire. DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail.

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Don't relax yet, Rupert, those fighters had to have been coming from somewhere. Oh, my God!

James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time. And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise. The power outage provided a perfect cover.

Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy? Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit? I'm telling you the truth.

Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding. Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself. (SHOUTING) No! (SIGHING) Thank you very much. Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all. But it's a very complex situation.

We only live to kiss your ass Kiss it? Hell, We'll even wipe it for you. From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy! We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate Can I see that pamphlet, siR?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT) (SIGHS) Look at this, Brian, somewhere in Quahog there's a kid not being picked up from baseball practice. And it's all thanks to us.

Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Nino! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)

Thank you so much. You made my day.

right after Pretend Not to Notice People's Race Day.

Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay Oh, my God! They liked it? Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged!

Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle." (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Wow, that's turning out good. Gotta use that. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Aye. Aye, aye, mate. "It sure is not so very nice in this part of London." (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Oh, wow! That one's really good.

I hope he doesn't go back to her. I hear you, Lois. You know, there might be a way to drive the point home that she hasn't changed. How would we do that? Hang on. Hey, Quagmire! Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What? You busy right now? No, I got a hand free. What's up? Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again?

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

I shall call you "Eduardo." Peter, how can we afford this? You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting-- A big raise! Peter, that's wonderful! But, Dad, I thought-- The kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, guys. I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci jr. High cheerleaders. is everybody pumped up?

forget about me

I am so sorry, you guys. This is all my fault. It's okay, Lois. I know you tried your best to make things right. Well, since I ain't got no brother to play army guys with, I might as well go to The Clam. Hey, Quagmire, it's me. Meet me at The Clam in 20.

Cocktail! Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter. Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car. Dad, Now that you're retired, you're comin' to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down.

Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? Yeah. Welcome to hell.

You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too. Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? (ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY) Wait! That man's an imposter. I'm the real Kevin Swanson!

Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?

That ought to show you!

Aw, the hell with this.

All right, everyone. Time to do our Nielsen duty. So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show.

What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing. Brian, if you've got something to say to me... All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up,

Yeah. It's so clear you can even see Ellen DeGeneres' breath.

I seem to remember somebody saying the breadwinner makes the rules.

It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then.

Yes, the day can begin. Good morning, Brian. Now, we can do this one of two ways. I can bust your balls to pieces right now or we can spread it out over the course of the day. I don't wanna talk about it. Well, I do. So, tell me everything that happened at the dance. Morning, cutie. Yeah, hey.

Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely.

What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you. That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town. Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.

- Yeah. - Huh-larious. But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass? Boy, that'd be satisfying. Well... Why not? What do you mean? The three of us.

and this is Rosalyn, a friend of our daughter Jane's. Her family life is rough, so we are kind of like a second home. Robert! Well, it's true. Well, thank you for taking the time to notarize this important document. I'm sure you are quite busy. Yes. We only have a moment, for we are taking a bus tour of Providence and other places.

What the hell, you weirdo? (LAUGHS) I'm just having fun.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect!

Any of you kids want to see a dead body? Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter. Um, Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad. Your father? He must be a man of at least 70. Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night,

(MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead?

God, she's more stubborn than you are! Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set. No! But you've gone for two turns! Get lost! It looks like fun and I want to do it! No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump off! (SCREAMING) - Get Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff.

Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

But wait a second! How are you gonna play by the rules if you don't have the rule... Oh! My methods are a little unorthodox, Mr. Griffin. I think I can help. What are you doing? My job. Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House.

Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him.

We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate Can I see that pamphlet, siR? Oh. My God, this house is freakin' sweet I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch

I guess Stewie's been missing his father. Thank you for letting me know. (CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved.

What if I helped you get a girl? REAlly? You--You think you could do that? Sure. All we gotta do is get you A little fixed up. you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean-- shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you. Gee! Y-You really think so? Absolutely.

Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?

But this is my house, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me.

Um, I'm not in right now. Please leave a message. Beep! Man, I hate these things. Uh, yeah, Hi, this is Peter Griffin. Uh, I'm sorry I missed you, uh-- Peter, Play with this. Look Sir, I have reviewed this contract,

MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson, and for some reason, Steve Buscemi. Man, look at that Steve Buscemi. Every one of his teeth is in business for itself.

I don't know, Butt. I don't think they can say my catchphrase, because "They no funny." (HORN BLOWING) There it is. And if you think you can say that just like Weenie here, you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead. MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt.

Michael Eisner. Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders.

There's only one solution It's in the Constitution We've got to pull the plug There he is! Quick, Peter, grab the video camera. All right, all right.

Now I can always have the last word. Like that ground-control guy during the moon landing. NEIL: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Oh, Peter, I love you so much. PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee, but either way, it feels so good. LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too.

(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll learn all I can. And I'll see you guys soon.

Can I feel those boobs?

I don't give a crap about Woodstock, but Snoopy... (SOBBING) Get off me, you skank.

by killing you in the race for School Board President! Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta.

Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her. Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Mrs. Janetti. I'm here to pick up Stewie. Oh, sure, Brian. He's in the playroom with Gavin. Gavin. That's a stupid name. And nobody likes you at school.

Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital. All right, hold-hold on a sec. - I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter! Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go.

You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No!

Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you?

so I thought that, uh... you... Uh, I'll, uh... This is a bad time. Maybe I'll just come back. WHo am I kidding? I'll never get hER. Not with that attitude. Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson,

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three.

Hey. Who the hell are you? I'm the guy Stewie pays to watch him sleep.

Hey, Meg. 18 yet? No. Hey, Chris, how are you? Well, I'm glad I-- All right! Brian, I feel a little guilty. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk. Hey, Joe, if I've learned anything from my experience, it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny. And That's why I'm leaving.

- What's that? - Sleep. (GROWLS) (CHUCKLES) No, no, I'm so grateful, really. It's just that I'm so busy all the time. But it's great. It's all great. Well, do you think you might have time to read it? (EXHALES) All right, all right. But be patient, all right? I've got interviews and appearances all week. I mean, they're squeezing every last drop they can out of me, like a bottle of ketchup.

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape.

it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.

It's like they say, fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and gay guys gotta criticize the host of the party behind his back. Oh, my God, look, a bowl of M&M's. - What are we, six? - I know. And remind me to get the recipe for those chopped-up hot dogs.

I need a clean diaper. I told you, we don't have any clean diapers. Well, no, not right now we don't, no. But if the poo were to be removed... I'm not following you. If the poo were to be removed... What does that... What are you driving at?

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Dancing in Chicago Dancing in the street Down in New Orleans Dancing in the street In New York City Dancing in the street All we need is music, sweet music CHORUS SINGERS: Sweet music There'll be music everywhere

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way. STEWIE: So, Obi-Wan, we meet again.

Fly Fly (LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title.

She's so sweet. And doesn't she have the most beautiful eyes? Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but, yeah, individually, they're not awful. All right, I'm on board. Go talk to her. Um... - Hi, Ellen. - Hi, Chris. Um. This is my little brother Stewie. Your head makes me laugh.

You can try and fight but we're all agreed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

Next. Brian, I am about to show you something that's gonna blow your mind! Do you know what the big bang theory is? Yeah, the theory that the universe started with a massive outward explosion from a singularity of infinite mass and infinite density. Check out the big brain on Brian. Good.

Exhibit B, one semen-covered View-Master (GROANS) with the reel of the Grand Canyon, (WHINES) and a blood-splattered Mr. Potato Head, (WHINES) and these socks you really need. (GROANS)

(WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! (SIGHS) (RADIO STATIC) (TURNS RADIO OFF) Oh, man, the battery's dead. Now what do we do?

Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places.

oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.

Hello? No. We can put you at the scene where she was killed. Hobey's right, Peter. It doesn't look good for you.

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway.

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that!

Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon.

Um, Movin' on. So, uh, I finally tried Viagra and-- Oh, We got a joker in the audience there. You, uh, You got something you want to say, there, Mr. Heckler? Dying hurts. Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flyin'?

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian. Hide!

Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!

In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

You know, We all really miss you. And Peter talks about you all the time. Oh, Really? Anything nice? No. oh, So he's still mad, huh? hmm, well, I should go. Here. Take this. It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore. Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he coulD.

Nothing. I just wanted to look sexy for Susie. How are your eggs, Joe? If he doesn't say anything about me calling him "Joe," that means we're truly in love. She just called me "Joe." That's kind of weird. But I'll just let it slide. She's got nothing going on. Besides, what harm could it do?

We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria...

You heard it from the canine's mouth The country's changed, that is, except the South

Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner. Well, that sounds lovely. Ah. That was delicious. You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside, isn't that funny? Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. We had reservations at another place and they...

Especially that Coyote Ugly theme.

But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker. " could be a ditch digger? A motel maid? I could be a hooker? Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker. Wow, Mr. Griffin! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything. Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money.

This is a very shocking Family Circus.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Package for Dr. Hartman. All right, where's the package? Here it is. So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something. Wait a minute, there's something strange about this.

Well, You're a dirty flirt.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side.

Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice! I'm here to turn myself in.

Must we make small talk every time we pass?

Well, then, Let the banquet begin! Whoa, whoa, What the hell are you doing? Don't eat that. Oh, For God's sake! Don't be such a nerd! Look, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. If Lois sees this, she'll kill me. You can let go of my hand now. You can let go of mine. - ah! - Ow!

Um, i--I guess "problem drinker." But that's-- Thank you. Now, "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something"? Well, "Sexual deviant," but that other one's not even-- Thank you. Now, Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children?

It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never!

You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass! Ew! Hey, Brian. You want some Stewie jerky? Oh, God, that is disgusting.

Why would I want to help you? Well, because you're my agent. Oh, my God, you're right! I am! Hey, hold on now. You came out here to be my agent. Tom, relax, I can take care of you both. You'd be surprised how much I can handle. Peter, I need you to drop Stewie off at day care, and then shred this big stack of old bank statements. You got it, Lois.

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too. And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog.

Yay, Joe. Now you have a friend.

I miss my mom But she's at the prom ALL: So I'm a prom night dumpster baby Prom night dumpster baby And I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll

Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you,

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low,

All right, kids, I'm off to train at the gym.

HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it!

I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing.

Say we were both drunk, and--and we knew we wouldn't remember? I'd have to be really, really-- No!

where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing.

Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met. Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more. Peter, wait. I--

Yeah, they had me painted.

No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad.

He turned to me as if to say "Hurry, boy, it's waiting there for you" It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Peter, I'm gonna go ahead and move the conversation forward. Is there any way you guys could take Anna Lee? No, Quagmire. We got enough kids of our own. Plus old Brian over there. Right, buddy? I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a Band-Aid. You're doing the right thing, Quagmire.

Plutonium! H-He is real! He's really, really real! So, uh, Peter, Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? You bet. A week's vacation, a new V.C.R., And best of all, my own copy of K.I.S.S. Saves Santa. You just practice that guitar, Santa.

Babs, you want to sit and watch... No. I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people...

I like what you're doing with your boobs. Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers? I don't use makeup, Meg. Of course you don't. You're all natural. Man, your dad must be proud! Actually, my dad passed away four years ago.

Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.

I don't know, Lois. I don't think this is gonna work. Come on, we can't give up on our goals. What if Jesus had done that? (CHILDREN CLAMORING) Why is the ironing board still out?

We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me! He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. Most of them are fine. Look, Stewie, I'm sorry for scaring you, all right?

'Cause I got a bag of ice here. Thought you might need some ice. Yes, there is a lot of ice around here. We get it. We're having a conversation here. Hey. I thought you guys might need some ice. SOLDIER: What? Why would I need ice? We're surrounded by... (LAUGHING) Oh!

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene.

And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING) It's a boy!

"E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of...

This is it, Brian. What's that? It's how I got the pig. You ever heard of the Multiverse Theory, Brian? Of course I have, but I'm wondering if you have. Oh, my God! So transparent. Well, the theory states that there are an infinite number of universes coexisting with ours on parallel dimensional planes. Dimensional planes, right.

When the time comes, you'll know. Damn it!

(DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) Oh, my God, Dad! Are they gonna take me? I'm so scared! (SCREAMING) Meg? Meg? (MAN BREATHING HEAVILY) I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.

Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going? All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way.

" agree, yeah. And she's a whore. - Oh yeah, big time. - Oh, everybody. Canseco?

This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here.

But then when I tell the guys at work, they poke all kinds of holes in it. So, you guys are going to Bethlehem, huh? I went there one time on a donkeys' night out. Oh, my God, I got so hammered! (WHIRRING) We'll leave the window part out of the Bible. They'll just misinterpret it anyway.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Oh, you must have the wrong number. There is no one here by the name of Long Rod von Hugen Dong. Hey, is... In here, thanks.

Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely.

Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom! And that was the last time I ever saw her. Well, Brian, i--I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems. You have abandonment issues.

"Yeeha! Well, here's my missile." "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics! You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break!

$1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter! Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois.

I say, look at this.

I had a one-way one time. That was amazing. Sorry I farted in the middle. All right, go on, beat it, all of you. Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend. Lois isn't even into women. She just had that one experience in college with that girl Naomi. Naomi's the one who's coming.

and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us.

Oh, I love this time of yeaR. Me, too. The summer tourists are gone. And We finally have the town to ourselves, before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole plaCe. Leafers!

Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS)

Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.

Um, I'm obsessed with Charmese.

You're always getting medals for catching crooks. Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once.

(LAUGHING) (LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch?

You're free not to answer it if that's your choice. No, no, no, it's okay. You can put "not sure."

Oh, oh. Did you see that, Mitch? I sure did, Kathy. That was impressive. Here comes the dismount. Hey, Stewie, I just took a nap. You want an eye booger? (SCREAMING) Oh, damn you, Chris! Look what you've done! I'm training for the Olympics, and I need absolute concentration.

What did you do? Oh, dear, there are so many people to thank. God, of course, and who else? This is so unexpected. Oh, yes. Satan.

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy I have no friends, and it's all because of this stupid purse!

Wait a second. I don't want this guy anywhere near this show! He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my God. That's an episode! Brian, will you read him in?

"has affected my life in the following ways. "The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature.

No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? (ALL GASP) Oh, about the... (STUTTERING) The... The pie!

Ben Stiller, help me. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies. - How did you hear? - Hello! Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.

Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger... and bigger and then pops? This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband.

but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash!

Um, actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody.

Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here. (EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having. That's better.

Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles. I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question?

PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no! (IMITATING FANFARE)

When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule Make your every joke a jewel You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul

Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin. Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over! Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened? Ah, you know me, Lois, I don't pry. Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang!

(LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George? George Clooney. Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney? I'm sorry, honey. I guess that things have become a little stale for me. I--i--I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples.

Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes!

Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment. 11:45 and the lights are on. Doing it with the lights on now, whore? Don't mind looking at his body? I love you so much, though.

Hey, there, cutie. Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson.

Oh, Come on, Joe. You don't have to quit the force. You-- I mean, you could get a desk job. Huh? You could be a desk. Forget it! I'm washed up. in local news, quahog will soon play proud host to the Special People's Games. If you and or a friend are disabled and would like to challenge yourself and raise your self-esteem, sign up today!

Remember? And you put that dream aside in order to provide for this family. Yeah? Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight,

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy Peter, We need to talk-- Not now, Lois. The show's about to start.

Oh, My sweetie is ok. aw, Better than ok, Lois. From now on, I'm gonna appreciate all the little things in life, like you and the kids. Whoah, whoah, whoah, Is this the price of my bill or my phone number? Uh, Your phone number. Oh. WE--wEll, It's still pretty pricey!

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

Hey, Connie pulled a power move. And When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. You say, ok.

Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin. I'm cold.

Oh! I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. Monkey in the closet. This is gonna be great. the Last time I did any male bonding was when me and Cleveland went to Chinatown.

Now teach me how to find love. All right. Fine. But you lick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.

Joe, what happened? I got the money. All right, Joe! But I lost the perp.

Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street?

BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

And I am sorry. Yeah, huh, any idea who it was, Peter? No, we didn't see his face. All we know is it's a skinny white guy with a tattoo on his left butt cheek. Well, I better tell Cleveland. I got a knack for delivering bad news. I don't know how to tell you this, Mr. DeVanney. So I'll let these guys do it. You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS

I'm just sorry I never got to make out with her. She would have crushed your scrota into a diamond with her robot-strength hand. Come on, let's get out of here. All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb... (SHUSHING) Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim.

That's not your concern. You didn't see anything. Remember that, or I'll ruin you. Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

Happy people pass my way Looking in their eyes, I see a memory I never realized how happy you made me Oh, Quagmire Oh!

SO, You all think you got what it takes to be jousters! Well, If you're gonna joust, you got to want it! Let me hear your war cry! Is that the best you got, you pile of crap? Yes. From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises! You know what you are? You're a candy-ass maggot! You find something funny, maggot?

Peter, come out of that thing! He can't hear you, Lois. Besides, it's--it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father.

That's not gonna work out, Dad. Why not? 'Cause you don't have a job anymore. What? Chris, what do you mean? Angela fired you and hired me. She said I've been doing twice as good a job as you did. So from now on, I'm the breadwinner in this house. Hey, I forget. Were you in for this or not?

It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee." Where? Where does the rooster say that? The monkey goes, "Ma-cock." No, no, no, no, it does not. The elephant goes, "Fwaamp." Yeah, kind of.

How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie. He's got quite a grip.

Why is he such a jerk to everybody?

Mmm! These scones are delicious.

Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! (SOBBING) What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her? Doesn't look good. Stewie, I think there's only one way we're ever gonna see Meg again. You and I have to take matters into our own hands. What? What are you talking about?

Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream. Your breasts may be small and your glasses may be thick, but hope doesn't hold up a mirror. Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear. And though we may never reach our goals,

But before we go, I got to make a stool. Sometimes it needs a little coaxing though. There's some seed in the kitchen. Just put it in a little pile on the floor. I'm gonna go get my books.

Ready, boys? (CAT YOWLING) No need to thank us. It's what we do. Who the hell are you guys?

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too. How long is this gonna last? No idea.

(PHONES BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Huh. JOE: Mmm. Social media is bringing us all closer together. Unfollow. Hey, you know, if we're all gonna be tryin' to figure this out together, maybe it would be easier if we gave each other names. That's a great idea. Hey, maybe my name is on this collar.

Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog!

Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

Well, then who's gonna deliver all the presents? We will. What? What? Stewie, look, you were right. Santa is real, and he needs our help. Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's Christmas this year. Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.

Hey, Chris... whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough... but when she smiles, you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio. Chris? I'll tell you tomorrow.

Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers. (URGES HORSES) Yeah! Choke on that, nerds.

I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it?

That may have been the best halibut I've ever had. Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check.

He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too,

Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? No, that's another guy. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin, and at Peter Griffin Cadillac, we believe in three things, fair dealing, family, and friendship. I've lived in Quahog my whole life. I love it here. And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. Scumbag.

Mmm-hmm... Well, Where the newspaper boy was. Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple days, Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back. Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here.

I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this. Maybe this was all a big mistake. You're damn right it was. Why did I ever agree to do this? This isn't who I am. I looked in the mirror this morning, and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before. Hi. Scott Bakula.

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja

Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob.

Do you see that? Do you see what I did?

Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too.

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way.

Wait, how do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say! Peter, this is important. Naomi and Dale are placing their trust in us. And besides, it's just nine months.

Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job.

Peter, watch the road! Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING)

Remember how they only needed little girls?

(BOTH GROANING)

I can't do it. I can't do it. Get the lotion. Put the lotion on me. Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like. Never mind. I'll come back later.

giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums! If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything. I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed!

What are you doing? I'm driving. Duh.

After MySpace but before Twitter. There was a time before Twitter? Look who's here! Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble. You guys, thanks so much for having us over. Well, we're just glad we can have people over again now that that giant crab's gone. Hey, guys, how ya doin'? Come on in.

You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here.

Leave fart in closed car like a dick. BRIAN: Sorry about that!

(EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING) You lose! Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there.

(ALL CHEERING) Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight? No. You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too!

Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try.

Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have named that star for Mort. (GROANS) Just give me the money.

Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line.

This is it, Brian. My plan for world domination is about to come to fruition. (ALARM BLARING) Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here.

Oh, Glenn, I love all your sex jokes and your dirty puns. That's why I married you. Let's go upstairs and do it. Okay!

But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow,

All right! If there is some other way to prove that I love you I swear I don't know how Sing it, baby. Breaking my heart. Something troubling you, Peter? Nothing. Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife.

Hey, buddy, where are all your pals? Playing baseball. Well, why aren't you playing with them? 'Cause I don't have a glove. Oh, yeah? Gee! Just for me? No fooling?

who knows what kind of future she'll have? You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat. Shut up! I found this meat! I'm never gonna get into college. You just need more extracurricular activities.

But I found it. I found it. Lois Griffin. You're a piece of work, you know that? An hour late and you're drunk. You had an opportunity to share a beautiful moment with Brian, and you wasted it, wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water.

Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair. (CRYING) They got him. They finally got him. Geez, Joe, you okay? (SOBBING) Here, use my handkerchief. It's wet and cold. Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you?

W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs!

(CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing? It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois. I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right.

Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne.

What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.

Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four.

That one was true.

And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list

Yes, please leave us alone. We're very busy. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. We've gotta solve that security problem for the Indian casino we're constructing. Hey, you guys want to head to the Clam? I'll catch up with you. I got to hit the john.

(BELL RINGING) ANNOUNCER ON PA: And they're off! Go, horsey, go! God, it even runs like it's messed up in the head. Is there a reason all the horses are named after canceled Fox shows?

All right, here we go. "Handiquacks, episode one, scene one."

Only one man can stop him. No, one machine. I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android. You may call me A.N.N.A. I am a robot ninja from the planet England, who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny. I've been expecting you, A.N.N.A.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention. Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin.

Peter, this is Meg. Oh. I got a makeover, Dad. Don't I look great? Meg, honey, I always thought you were beautiful just the way you.... God, couldn't do that with a straight face. Welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.

It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her! I can't work this way. I quit! Fine.

Oh, Emily, a fortnight in town will make you a match. Yeah. Say that after a fortnight in town, bitch.

Come by and apply for your Han job, and I'll get you off and running. Other websites jerk you around and don't finish what they start. But with HANJOBS.ORG, we'll have you shooting for the stars! But keep it down, my neighbors don't know what's going on in here.

Artoo! (ARTOO SCREAMING) Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

Well, you met her. What do you think? (SNICKERING) What? What do I think? She's 100! Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her? PETER: I'm looking at her now! I can see her from the window up here. Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet? No! Awesome. I'll be right down. Hey, Brian, who are you dating? Jessica Tandy?

Come on, Luke, join the dark side. It's really cool. Well, who's in it? Me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome. And James Caan. I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass. I'll never join the dark side. Never!

I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here!

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

(JOE GROANS) Oh, this is so humiliating, I'm about to be an adult man crying. (JOE SOBBING LOUDLY) I can't walk!

He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING)

Uh-huh. What's your name? It's Jan. Okay, here you go, Dan. Yeah, it's Jan. Back of the line. Go on. Come back around, he'll try it again. Hi. Can you make it out to Kelly? Well, hi there. I sure can. You know, I have to tell you, Wish It. Want It. Do It. totally changed my life. Well, you know, that's what I set out to do with this book,

"Libra. A strange man will drop into your life." Hmm. "Pisces. Be careful at work today." (ANGRY BIRDS MUSIC PLAYING)

Who is this? PETER: Wheely-wheely stupid head, bet you wish that you were dead. Listen, I don't know who this is, but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know! What, are you gonna report me on your can't-walkie-talkie? I'm gonna hang up now. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! I got three more of these I wrote on a napkin. All right, three more.

A letter of surrender. We did it. Whew! It's a good thing, too, because I really didn't have an exit strategy. Yay, Stewie! Oh, thank you, darling. I... What is this? Makeup? Why are you wearing makeup? (GASPING) Chicken pox!

Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore. What's the point? You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?

I can't believe Ms. Clifton's gone. Who's gonna teach my class now? Brian, why don't you teach Chris's class? You're very knowledgeable, the kids might knock you down a few pegs... which would be good for you. You know, that is a terrific idea, Lois. I probably have a lot to offer young people. What's he going to teach them?

(GROANS) Who... Who are you? I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING)

Lois, Peter, stop right there. You're under arrest for kidnapping. I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender. Joe, please get out of our way. I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life,

PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.

(GRUNTS) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Damn it. That's Lois. If I don't get this, she's going to kill me. (GROANS)

He puts cigars in his mouth... ...in my wallet! Larceny! ...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way. Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers?

Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time.

All right, I think we're all in agreement. I'm in charge here.

"Dear Reek Publishing, "I was highly disappointed by your erotic novel. "Here's what I would have wrote. "'It was past midnight when the blonde, smoking-hot lab assistant, "'who looked a little like Heather Locklear, only with bigger jugs, "'was grabbed and thrown onto the lab table.

Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley, but I really think he'd want to be considered for this. Yeah, the thing is, for this roll, we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome, but who is not actually handsome himself! Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him. Yeah, I think he'd be right, too. The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine,

Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal!

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right!

Ben Stiller, help me. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies. - How did you hear? - Hello! Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again... (GASPING) Without remembering how lucky he is that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks.

Oh, Chris, in a few minutes, you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man. I could make a foreskin joke right now, but this is a solemn occasion. And Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back. Oh, I got so many of them, too! I--I know. i know. shh. But later!

What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil!

Okay, now you eat up, and then we're all gonna go out back and play some Thanksgiving touch football, excuse me, war hero Thanksgiving touch football. (APPLAUDING) - Yeah! U.S.A.! I didn't even know there was a war.

(AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees!

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

Yeah. Pretty thoughtful, isn't it? Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass! Lois, I'm sorry. I just... I let my jealousy get the best of me. Jerome's such a cool guy. And I guess I was worried he was cool enough to steal you away from me. You should know better than that, Peter. Now, I think you have an apology to make.

Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two!

Oh, okay! (SNAPPING) All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy...

Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that? Say what, now? You don't deserve her. She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!

Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again, 'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time. Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up. No, you shoot the Taliban! Not Pat Tillman. Got it?

QUAGMIRE: Peter, Joe's right. That's only a movie. JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted! QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter.

I'm not sure I do either. I know the law says I have to arrest you,

Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like. (SCREAMING) (HUMMING)

Ah! Ah! Ow! Oh, God! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cool! He's bleeding!

Didn't think anybody heard that.

Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this. (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time.

You know Neil Patrick Harris got the job on How I Met Your Mother 'cause of that movie?

Nice. Cleveland? Loretta, what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife.

Tootie, it's 8:29! Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait! Now I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that drinking party! (DOOR CLOSES) Carter! Carter, wake up!

Hey, you! Stay!

It's, uh, 25 bucks. Wow! And we're the robbers. Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach? Uh, $12 for coach. Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think.

Meg, honey, do you want some breakfast? I don't have time. I have to get over to the Swansons'. You sure? Aren't you hungry? Thanks, Mom. But I want to be there when he first gets up. - He's so cute. - What? I... Um... I mean, she's so cute. Susie. She's all right.

Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!

Hey, watch it. That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun... PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go!

Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game, and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's googatz. Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. Beautiful! Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures,

But, soft, Ron, my husband draws near Nicole, I'm back from filming the third Naked Gun movie

because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper. (FARTING) There's your smear campaign right there, Brian. (LAUGHS) Mom's right. Drugs are bad, Brian.

D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh! Hello, Peter. Nate Griffin!

Mom, I can't even see!

Yeah, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well. Oh, my God! What does it look like? You know, not half bad. Nothing you'd look twice at, but not bad. Oh, my God! That... You know, that is a tough road ahead. I mean, like, what do those people do as far as relationships and sex and stuff? I don't know. I mean, it's got to be a train wreck down there, right?

I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. I can't believe you went to all this trouble. Well, you know me. Oh, I do, Brian. I know you so well. - So, are you ready? - For what?

Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops. Hey, getting some writing done there, buddy? Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay. Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing. Otherwise, what's the point, right? You should totally write that down. Okay. Will you watch me? Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family.

I'm sorry. Will you all please excuse me for a moment? MAN: Tonight's winning lottery numbers are... tr, 21, 18, 7, 42. Oh, my God! I won!

You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning.

It's time to call this whole thing off! Nobody's on our side! Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm--I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party.

(CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But I'm here to tell you, that as of today, PTV is officially shut down. Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING)

What thing? Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

It's time to call this whole thing off! Nobody's on our side! Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq."

Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh! Okay, let's have dinner, huh? So, how did you guys get together? He showed up at my door and said he was a Federal Boob Inspector.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight. Is that a thing? It's a great thing.

Just forget it, all right? I just want to sit here, watch the ball game and have a few beers.

Can I see your driver's license and registration, please? Is there a problem, Officer? QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

Wait a minute. This isn't voiceover. This is a phone sex operation. (STAMMERING) I can't do this. It pays two grand a week, sweetie. Oh, my God. With that type of money, I could buy pots and pans at Williams-Sonoma. This is a very nice set. You must be a phone whore. You bet your sweet ass I am.

That seems fair to me.

(KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

No--No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late. And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away. Thanks, Peter. I'm gonna go find out how she feels.

Well, Meg has the mumps all right. How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal? I never got a mumps shot. Really?

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh. Hey.

Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen.

Everything all right here? Fine, Officer. Just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there? What happened to your shirt? You know, just a pizza party at the office. Yeah? Where do you work? First Fidelity Insurance over on Wabossette Street.

Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft? What are you talking about? I'm a woman. Sure you are. Now. Peter, I'm exhausted. I've been in and out of taxis all day.

Uh, well--well, in--In accordance with Megan's law, I'm obligated to inform you that, uh-- Y-you know what? That's fine. I--I'll take the kids. Aw, Thanks, buddy. Gosh! I've--I've never had to entertain kids before. So A, s-So a chick walks into a gynecologist's office...

I don't know who should be more humiliated, Meg or the pig. She's such a dork. I think I feel worse for the pig. Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan! Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.

And Bonnie said you are very pretty. But I... How did that come up? Oh! You know, we were talking about pretty people. And I said Rachel Maddow, and she kind of took the baton from there and said Meg Griffin. Who's Rachel Maddow? - A model. - Oh.

Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois. Hey, Lois, look. I'm a booger. Peter, for God's sake! Oh, Ok, Ok. Grab my hand.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) How did he get in? (GROWLING) I let him in. What, was that not cool?

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired.

Boy, this is pretty embarrassing!

It's because you're teaching those kids about condoms.

But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS)

Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old. The final plague is the death of the first-born son. Oh, No! Stewie! The first-born son. Meg. Your wife. Chris! Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light.

And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night. Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

But still found a way to keep herself looking fine And then, there's Maude Ah! Ah! There we go! That was an ordeal. Well, Peter, this has been an amazing week.

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups.

Look, i--I just need some time to think. All right? Yes, Yes. You've got lots to think about, haven't you? Public drunkenness, grand-theft auto. You forgot where I made you smash your head on the windshield. I--I don't recall... Aah!

Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is just so... Uh-oh. Oh, God, I am so sorry. It's too late, the damage is done.

I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe. Yeah. Nobody's judging you, man. It's cool.

Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels.

Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

We're just gonna have to try and figure out the code. When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. Don't worry about it, Brian. MAN: Hey, what's going on down there? Nothing.

Hey, Meg. You ready to go? Dad, you remember Michael Milano from the hospital. He's my date. Oh. Say, Michael, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Stay away from my daughter, you possible rapist!

Excuse me. I've gotta go mix the punch.

Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.

It still works, even though it's got a lot of Civil War brains all over it. Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good. Bye, Otis!

A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony!

Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining. My God, I'd better see a doctor. But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit. Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town.

Ok, honey. Mommy's leaving you here for a little while. Try to play nice with the other children. What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility,

Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!

Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name! Well, I'm sorry honey but we don't think you should see him anymore. Oh, I hate the sound of her crying. You know what sounds even worse? Ah! Listen to that.

Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. Why?

"and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff. "P.S. If the cops ask, "tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. "If you tell anyone otherwise, "I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you. "And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage."

Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

Oh, sorry. I haven't had sex in two weeks. I'm just a little on edge lately. (SCOFFS) A little? There wasn't this much tension when the slaves were freed. Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go. But we're cool, right? (SIGHS) Peter, we have to talk.

we can allow Chris to return to school. Well, I promise you, my husband will have a talk with Quagmire. Won't you, Peter? Peter? Mr. Griffin, don't touch that. That's the school PA system. (LAUGHING) Attention, student body. You will now listen as I attempt to swallow this microphone. LOIS: Peter! (PETER GRUNTING)

Mom? Dad? Mom? Is anyone there? Little man? You in here?

Yeah! Let's get wasted! Yeah! Let's get wicked bombed! Sorry, pal, we already have an intense wheelchair guy. Well, now, hold on, hold on.

was a Passover seder.

Come on, say the line. Oh, oh, there he is. You know what, he slipped into my colon. Yeah, damn it, he's smothered. But let me just ask you this, Lois, if my stomach had said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry! "How about some pork chops?" Would you have thought that was funny?

it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Don't, pleaSE! No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth! Oh, look at that. Our little boys are becomin' fast friends. I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you? And go get the sifter, so we can build our sand village.

Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy. It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical! It's ridiculous! Pancakes are not a nighttime food.

(SCREAMING) By the way, you're under arrest. I only said that last thing 'cause it seemed cool. Oh, my God, that was so awesome. I saw everything. You were all like... (TALKING GIBBERISH) And Briggs was all like... (GIBBERISH) And then you were all like... (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) And then Briggs's legs were like... (WHISTLING) Oh, crap, he's dead.

Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude (BIRDS CHIRPING) The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring" And people walking by Can stop and look at my thing Oh, this is one fine day Liberal chubby chaser! (LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...

"Dear Brian. You were amazing last night. Love, Ida." (LAUGHS) This is from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad. Come on! I did a dog once, but I was in the Philippines, and I sure as hell didn't write him a letter.

No, I've never done it myself. Mum does it. All right, well, we should get your overalls off first. I know how to do the snaps. There. I did it. Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out. (CHUCKLING) I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it? Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this? I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right. Hi, boys. I didn't have my hands down my pants. Mmm, Good for you.

One of us should pretend we're hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump them. That's perfect, Joe. Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick!

I think you're gonna want to take a look at this. What do we got? Looks like somebody had a rough night out. Boy, you can say that again. Better get the coroner down here. He's still got his watch and his wallet. Guess that rules out robbery. Stabbed 17 times in the chest, I'd say the murderer knew the victim intimately.

- Close your menu. - What? Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order. I'll give you another moment. God damn it. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot.

I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes. You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was... That was just unpleasant. Sorry about that.

I got the mu... Oh, my God! Jimmy, what happened? Yes, Jimmy. What happened? I--I fell. It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!

Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe!

And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

(CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring. Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW

(SIGHS) Wait, why does it say... Yeah. They were all out of handicap that day, so I got retarded.

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.

Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye. Get your fat ass back here. This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles!

Oh, my God, we should text each other. Hang up! Hang up!

Oh, for God's sake! Oh, yes. Ye--yes, I'll have the coffee cake. Yello?

Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg.

Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month.

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring? Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm. And then another. And Then everything got a little hazy. Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while.

Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow How was that, Dr. Ditty? Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all.

Do you think your parents liked me? Yeah. Can we make out now? Oh, I forgot my... (LAUGHS)

They see your diaper and think, "Ew, that dog is sick. He must be dying. "I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. "Why don't they just put him to sleep?"

Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king. Oh, Are you playing Lady Thiang? Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna. Oh. Well, They did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful.

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS)

Is that ok with you? Because your opinion matters, too. Yes! Let's get the hell out of here! Thank you for a lovely time. Yeah, it's the blue sedan. No tips, sir. Ah, Nice kid. Well, I think I handled that pretty good, but--but I would like a second opinion. Hmm. Here it is.

What the hell? El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company? Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children! Well, What do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke!

Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING)

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING)

Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common. You watch NCIS? Yes, sir. Yes, I do. CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though.

but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that. Anyway, isn't this a beautiful little girl? Yeah, but she kind of stinks. Well, no wonder. She's pooped herself. Ew! It's new car smell. What? That's what a new car smells like. It's disgusting. Where are you buying your cars, Quagmire? I buy them online at poopcars.com.

These '50s diners were very popular in the '80s.

- Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley!

They merely engaged in horseplay. Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys? Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations. Mom, I can handle Space Camp. I'm not stupid. Well, regardless, on the way back, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed. Peter, that was the University of Florida.

All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealing with here.

Oh, it is so good to have my boys back home safe and sound. Thank God for that psychic. What are you talking about? The psychic didn't do anything. Well, she said we were gonna find them and we did. I always wondered about psychics,

Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!

And his best pal, Peter. Oh, wow!

Okay, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.

"Here I go." (HUMMING) What? Why, Rupert? Why do you want to play in the basement? "I don't know, I just feel like there might be some fun stuff down there." I'm not following your logic. And why are you talking different than usual? "Here I go." Rupert, get back here. Rupert? Oh, there you are. Wow, look at all the old stuff down here.

Well, the election results are pouring in and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me, Diane, when's the last time you heard... Forget it. Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck. Well, folks, this is it.

- Ah, come on, baby, it's my birthday. - No. All I'm saying is that you just need to find an activity that you and Stewie can share. Peter, can you reach that box of rice? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, sorry, Lois.

Hey, you guys, check out the look on Lois's face when I do this. (TIRES SQUEALING) LOIS: Peter! Clean that up, you idiot! Love you.

HOPE: lllo wonder thatpriest kept saying, "Bless you. "

No. No. You know, Brian, I love it here at the ice-cream shop.

Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

Suck my dick, it's not enough!

You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING) (ALL GASPING)

Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks!

(KNOCKING) Oh, hello. Hi, you must be Mrs. Griffin. I'm Kent. I'm here to pick up Meg. Oh, Kent, it's so nice to meet you. She's just getting ready. Meg, Kent's here!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Yeah, it did! Keep going. Okay, let's see. You want to go for a walk? It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us?

Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. Oh, that's very Christian. - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you." - Now you're getting it.

I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers... ...and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind ifl have a seat? I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it? I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with. Can I have some of your hair?

You can make a box fort. See? Here's a box. You can pretend it's a fort. Actually, that sounds like fun. I want this. I'm king in here. Peter, maybe Stewie would like to play fort, too. No! If you need me, I'll be in space.

Look at me. I'm George Bernard Shaw. (LAUGHING) That's awful funny, Stewie. I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is, but you look like an old Stewie, Stewie. Enjoy your weird bath. I told him I did the poos even though you did the poos, Stewie. Did I do good, Stewie?

- Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?

Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you.

You think you can do that? Sure. I've steered our family through bigger problems. Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show. Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you.

It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store. It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance.

(GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

I have friends now, and some of them, very popular. I know. I heard Sarah is your lab partner. All those years of you rejecting me finally made sense. What do you mean? Oh, my God!

(SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

So be it. As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

He thinks he's hilarious. He is hilarious. I was on my way in here to cancel your show, but the banter you did with that guy... Well, as we say in the radio business, "If you put that on the radio, people will listen to it." Make him part of the show. You don't want him. He's not really a professional like me. Listen, you get that kid in here. We need more laughs on the show.

Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off. Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess. Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.

You realize the only reason I'm taking this meeting is that your wife is a reporter for our news division. You have absolutely no prior credits. Sir, I promise you won't regret it. Handiquacks is gonna be the next Simpsons. We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy. We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head. You go, "Wow! What happened?" Hmm.

Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think?

LOIS: Peter, can you come down to the laundry room? (SIGHS) Son of a bitch. If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt.

I missed you so much. Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake?

You know, Lois is right. I've been out of work too long.

Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Let's watch.

You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately, so we got a little welcome-to-the-family present for you. Your husband's work and poker game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there, too, but I don't mind if you don't. Uh. Thanks. By the way, Meg, I forgot to tell you,

Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman? You wanna see a picture? Look at this. This is an actual picture from the book. (MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield.

Mmm! I can taste him. Okay, I get the smell part. But, Meg, I think we have to have a talk. Sweetheart, you don't... You don't have a crush on Joe, do you? Um... I don't know. Oh, my God, you do have a crush on him.

And Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room. And here we have the lounge. Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot!

that speaks to their experience. You know what you should do? Get in there tomorrow and do the robot. Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try... a whole new approach. Thanks. Okay, you can stop that now. I can't hear you. I'm a robot. Come on, knock it off.

(SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS)

No! You okay, fat ass? She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show.

No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie.

Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Gotta give up the toad now ooo, ooo, ooo I'm no fool Lando's cool

Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh? Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on! (ALL CHEERING) I just... I--I can't take it anymore. He's driving me crazy. Take it easy, honey. Knock, knock.

You-- Lois, we gotta go!

when you opened the door I would have said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia." You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00? (VOICE CRACKING) That sounds wonderful. She said yes.

I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs.

Well, you see, Mrs. Griffin, I found another donor for your husband. You did? Who? Me. What? It turns out I'm a perfect match. And I'm willing to give up one of my kidneys. Oh, my God, Dr. Hartman, you'd do that for us? Well, the truth is you folks are my only remaining patients.

Hey, Stewie, you up? What the... Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers.

What's a bonner? Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell. Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. Now give that back to Mommy. Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can.

Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god. Off to another day of jury duty, sweetie? Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order. (LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY) I don't want to go back to stupid jury duty.

Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason.

How was your shower? I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. Really? You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughinG.

(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great.

Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night? All right, tonight's selection, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Now let's all sit down and take our headache. Or we could watch The Cove. The Cove? Isn't that that horrible documentary where they kill all the fish?

No! We'll build a better one. I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

You were right, Peter. It was Natalie Wood.

Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo! oh, Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?

Ma, for God's sake, leave me alone! I'm working! Don't yell at your motheR! If you yell at your mother, a hen will lay eggs in your tummy. Wow! Brilliantly choreographed. Well, That's your tax dollars at work. Say, why don't you Join us and see the world? Sorry, pal. I've seen the world, and its name is LoiS.

Hey, did you guys see O? No, that seemed lame. You know, the other you was a lot more fun. Which one is O? Is that the swimming one? Don't try to demean it. How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?

Thank you, Daddy! I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? It makes him happy.

To stand by me So we take each other's hand 'Cause we seem to understand the urgency Just remember You're the one thing

We now go live to Drunk Billy in the Channel Five newscopter. This just in. Channel Five newscopter pilot Drunk Billy passed away today.

(GASPS) Stewie, I...

That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick.

(ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up. Quack, quack. Oh! My little ducky. You look so adorable. Oh, no, no. You see these holes? I got bit by a vampire. I'm a vampire duck.

A pregnant woman.

but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. The important thing is that you stood up for me, and I won't forget it. Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back. Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together.

You have the power to end this!

Uh, well, no. But how about this? You can have the apple and the raisins and the cheese and crackers with the little red stick.

MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it.

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib?

Uh, Hi, Peter. Listen, Joe, about this whole mess-- Hold it, Peter! That's the car-wash thief!

Coming up next-- All right, Here's one. Let's jump that. Ooh! Yee... Haw! Oh, that was great! Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus.

Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

ROY SCHEIDER: How are you, Richard? DREYFUSS: Fine, Roy. How are you? SCHEIDER: Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up. Maybe reminisce about Jaws. DREYFUSS: Great. You should give me a call sometime. My number is 555... Wait, wait. What? 555? Yeah. You know what, Richard? If you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it.

What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. Bonnie's your wife. I know. I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!

Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland. I need some passion in my life. I need a real man. And Lord knows that ain't you. Well, I admit after a long day at work I don't always come home with that "Riunite on ice, that's nice" mentality.

PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares?

I mean, haven't you seen those commercials?

It's me, Quagmire. I need to borrow your lawnmower. Quagmire's not here. It's just me, James. I'm supposed to watch the house. Come on, Quagmire. It's 97 degrees out here. We're two grown men. Are you selling yarn? 'Cause I love yarn.

Happy Birthmas.

And there's a lot of great people here. Why don't you mingle? Oh, my God, Lois, you single now? (CHUCKLES) No, Glenn, I'm here with Thelma. Who's Thelma? This is Thelma. Ew!

Oh! She has the voice of an angel! Not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from.

Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea.

I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch each and every day Chocolate cake a la Blake Hundred bucks, Blake is gay

King Louis XI. Tim, select.

I have a time machine. You do? Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex. Him legend.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries. Uh, if--If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any?

I said, "May I have a blanket?" Oh, yes. Of course. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes, so now it is official. Let me touch your face! Lois, we could use your help in Coach. Ok, e-everyone,

Yeah, there's definitely something off about him. I'm his physician. Okay, now we'll just test those reflexes. MAN 1: Hey, did you hear that?

PETER: Goodnight, honey.

Oh, God, I'm so excited for gay sex. Me, too. Your body makes me so horny. Shut up and do it.

Get out of here, you hobo! oh, Bloody hell.

I'm with you. I'm on the train! Do you have a needle? There's a pin in the sweater. Here. Oh, my God! This is happening! This is really happening! Oh, I think this is going to look so good on me. You know what else? Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles. Aren't we supposed to, like, heat it or something?

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay?

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over.

the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this? Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson.

All gone. What time do you suppose it is, Brian? I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there. TOM: This major breaking news just in. Nine Southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States. The announcement came from former President George W. Bush,

Right after the chapter on writing complaint letters that will result in compensatory merchandise. "Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles.

Unless... Unless what? Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

(OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here. But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs? That's not your concern. You didn't see anything.

Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot!

Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world. Oh, oh, Funny sailing story. A guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean and he sees a little black dog. Let me tell ya, This dog's been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter. Peter, maybe this isn't the place-- H-h-Hang on, Lois. So the guy take the dog into the vet.

I want some more of Jillian's delicious lemonade. I know. It's good, right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it. Oh, this is fun, huh?

(SIGHS) All right, I'll do it. If I just keep walking, I gotta hit civilization at some point, right? - Thanks, Peter. - Yeah. And good luck. Listen, in case I die out there, I need you guys to know something. I've been fake brushing my teeth for the last 20 years.

Angela! Angela, wake up! What the... Griffin? Angela, what the hell are you doing trying to kill yourself? Why the hell did you pull me out of there? You should have just left me alone!

Look Meg. I'm that pretty, dark-haired figure skater with the horse teeth. You know, the one who got what she had comin'. Nice figure 8, Mom. Ha! All right.

(SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! (DOOR SLAMMING)

What the hell is Lois doing with another man? Is it possible she's a whore? Uh, you know, Just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? Uh, You know what? Let's just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.

Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.

Look, I promise if we get out of this alive I'm gonna help out around the house and say "I love you" every day. You mean it? I'm a changed man, Lois. A better man. And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game I never would've learned this valuable lesson.

Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in.

Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2. I--I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. Hi. Welcome to-- Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Excuse me, sir. I haven't even-- Oh! Oh, That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there.

You know what the worst part is? All I wanted was for my dad to tell me he loved me. But instead he called me "a fat, stinking drunk." Those were his last words. Well, I hate to side with your father, Peter, but you do kind of drink a lot. And you know, sometimes it affects the people you love. Oh, my God. Lois, you're right.

Did you hear that? Oh, God, Please, let it be farting. Please let it be a fart contest. These are tranquilizer darts. I have enough here to take down Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey. Yes, well, the last one left standing wins. Let the game begin!

- Hey, do you hear that? - What?

- It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened.

Meg in low-riders.

Besides, I can remember a time when you saved all our butts. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Hya!

Mickey McFinnegan, I challenge you to a drinking contest. (ALL GASPING) And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? Because I'm your son and I'm tough. I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious?

LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah. LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah. LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth.

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

What are you doing? I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me. When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed. Okay. Then I'm gonna make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back. And then what are you gonna do?

I put in a call from the McDaniel's pay phone while you guys were getting that nine-piece chicken McFingers and those Diet Conks and those Fresh Fries. Oh, come on. They don't own "French fries!"

Sweetheart, when will you be back? I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me. Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father. We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you.

(SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay.

Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

Brian! BRian! I'm here to bring you... You're going downtown, pal. ...home.

getting kicked around by the Man. Like when I worked in that lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Agreed, Peter. We got a letter from Chris! Okay, he says he's doing great, having a wonderful time.

Hello. Excuse me? You are American, no? I very much admire your Garry Shandling. Look, I know where you're going with this, and we're not interested, okay? So you might as well just keep moving. I'm interested. (LAUGHING NASALLY) Bonnie. Would you like to sample a warm French baguette? Oh, my.

Oh, it's beautiful! Everything is so beautiful! Come dance with me, Dad! Soon, Meg, soon. But first I must inhale. (INHALING) And again.

In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art. A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you! Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. All right. Let's do it!

Evil monkey's gonna get me I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey

Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it. Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please. Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson. Sh-sh-she's new. I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God!

In anticipation of this event, we put together a clip package featuring some of Billy's work for Channel Five News. (CROWD SCREAMING)

Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television! Ok, How about this? A single white girl in the city working at a magazine! Yeah, that's good. Ooh, yeah, Yeah. Do you guys hear yourselves?

We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh! - Hold it! - Freeze! Ahh! There he is. Hands up, Griffin. You're coming with us.

Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia. She's doing fun things for me, for money.

You love me, and you know it. Hey, hey, mouth, young lady. Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? (RAZZING) Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg! (FARTS) Uh-oh. Pardon me.

This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner city immigrants. (LATINO MUSIC PLAYING) (GUN FIRING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Peter, you're a complete slave to your father's religion.

The dog just told me to shut up. I demand to know what you plan to do about this. Hey! Hey! the dog just told me-- Be quiet, Stewie. Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg!

Well, You've come a long way from hiding from the vacuum cleaner. Lois! Hey, buddy. Hey, How are ya, Alfred Hitchcock? Huh? Yeah? You like that one, Dick Hertz? Huh? I'm sorry. I'm already drunk. H-How did you guys know? I-- Jasper called. Brian, why didn't you tell us?

you better pay the proper tribute. All right, that is it! I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else!

(SIGHS) Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I've decided I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Brian, why? Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of run my course here, and, you know, besides, there's a whole big world out there,

I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill!

Do you know anywhere else that would have crepes? I think Mandalay Bay has a cafe that's open 24 hours. Thanks. You think dressed like this, that would be a problem? It's Vegas. You're fine. I don't mean to seem forward, but what are you doing right now? (WHISPERING) You may now kiss the bride.

You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

and now we have this connection. Hey, do you want to come in for some Crystal Light or something? Well, I do believe in me, but it's getting kind of late. Um, I really want to see you again, though. Ah, you know it.

There he is! Oh, go on. No, really, go on. (ALL LAUGHING) Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein,

There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

I'm having my period, okay? Please come in. I have nothing to say to Lando. Okay, the door's gonna open and you guys say, "Freeze," and point your guns at them. Or, you know... Or should it just be me? Yeah, you know what? I think that'll be better. Get out. Go, go, go. It's just me.

My parents? But they wouldn't-- Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

and Griffin and Lady Redbush continued to flourish happily in the colony of Quahog, completely unaware that King Stewart was on the march.

WEENIE: (ON RADIO) Hey, welcome back to Weenie and The Butt on 97.1. CHORUS: 97.1! Ooh! Weenie and The Butt. Just like the grown-ups listen to. THE BUTT: And that was Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris, which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets!

What? No! LOIS: Peter, who is it? Couple of freaking scumbags working some scam, saying how they want to use our phone. What? Do they want all the presents under the tree, too? Get rid of 'em!

You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Ok, I'll tell her tonight.

What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on a multinational fast food conglomerate. Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian. Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world. How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before.

I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle. Childhood obesity.

Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife! Come on, you hairy lubbin' friggin' rod! Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman? No way! ahh! ahh! Oh, For the love of Pete!

Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

She won't care, Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon. (LAUGHING) When will it work for her? Howdy, new neighbors. Pleased to welcome you. We're the Lynches. We live next door. Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins. Nellie here is a homemaker, and I'm a queer chaser and beater.

Well, I really admired the mother character's admission of personal torment after her daughter's death. I--i disagree. I felt a total lack of ethical integrity in her readiness to abandon her children and start a life of her own. Ah, Here's another thing: The book can also be a hat. And the other night, I had to do a...

Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite. One is the loneliest number

Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot...

Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty. I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign,

Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God!

How's it going, Mr. Hitler?

And I met my wife in the service. We had our honeymoon on Alderaan. Good thing we took pictures, huh? (LAUGHING) RECRUITMENT ANNOUNCER: The Empire, chasing Rebel scum, killing Luke's aunt and uncle, telling people to move along. The Empire, our ships are big triangles.

And here's a picture of-- Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one. W-w-Wait. What was that? Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin!

Hot dog, it's real. Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00. I'm not really tired yet. Well, you had those three cups of NyQuil. You'll be down soon enough.

Lois, are you out of your mind? We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see?

He's a family guy

No! What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh!

Oh, hey there, Griffins. (BARKING) CLEVELAND: Oh, that takes me back. Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today,

Whore, slut, bitch. You don't deserve to have sex with me. Instead, I'm gonna eat the whore out of you. Peter, did you start a coalition for fat guys? Yeah. The fat-guy coalition. Peter, you shouldn't encourage people to be fat. Fat people are immoral. How do you figure, sports fan?

(MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.

Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Nino! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight,

Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. So they revoked your C.P.R. card, huh?

Yeah, maybe I have. Hey, forget the pep rally. You want to go see a movie? Cool. Maybe we could go see that Chazz Palminteri/Paul Sorvino movie, Distracting Trumpet. I want to thank you all for coming out here today. We got a serious situation down in the Bronx. (TRUMPET PLAYING SLOW SONG) Our friend needs to get a message to the short man in the hat.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

PETER: Hey, Stewie. You got a minute for your daddy? Get out of here, you spineless oaf! Oh, and by the way, I faked all those bowel movements. Brian, I feel awful. Stewie and I were getting along so good and now he hates me. How do I get him to like me again? Well, that depends. Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?

It was totally awesome! It was the most awesome thing ever! Hug me!

No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

Well, we've all made mistakes. Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

Well, I say it's wrong.

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile.

You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage. You know, maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise. I mean, there are obviously some problems in your relationship. Who knows, maybe some time apart could be just what you need.

She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. There was someone I had to see first. Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies,

Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room. Does she still take the newspaper in there? Ugh, Yeah. And--and--And after she does, i--I just can't read it. Ohhh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We'd better get moving! Carol, you gotta relax.

This gives me an idea. She's dead. All right, come on, if Mission Control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard. Okay, okay, uh, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING) Wow! Look at all this cool stuff!

Just passing through. See anything you like, speak up. Hey, there, everybody. Was somebody looking for a son with a bright new path to adulthood and his very, very proud dad?

Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

(DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.

Peter, stop doing what you're doing.

I--I love that you'd go there. You're-- You're silly. Good-bye. We'll take you to bulimic pie-eating in just a moment. But first, decathlon front-runner Joe Swanson, will attempt the long jump. Come on, Joe! Break a wheel! I'm ready. Let's get it on!

Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911! He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now!

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.

Come on. That's stupid. - I'm--I'm just not comfortable, you know? - Well, I don't... This--This is, like, the '90s, man. I mean, like, everybody... Come on. You saw me on that boat. I was wearing a blazer. Huh? Come on. No! I just... I--I don't want to! All right? I don't want to right now! I told you I'm not comfortable. I think you could respect that.

(RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later. (FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING)

I'll start out easy. Little more complex. Oh, Chris, my baby! Hi, Mom and Dad.

Chicken gave me a bad coup--

- (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched

Yeah. Welcome to hell.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?

Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off? It's a pleasure, Peter. My daughter is quite taken with you. And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at this, huh? Show us front and back there, Lois. Yeah, Don't think I don't know where that comes from. That's some world-class juice you got brewing in the old flesh balloon down there, Carter. Huh? Huh?

(LAUGHING) God bless us everyone. Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where? To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming!

I--I guEss-- I guess the best advice I got was from Marty Scorsese. Um, you know, I was having a problem understanding why I'd be taking abuse from this--this lower- ranking officer played by Chris O'Donnell. And--and--and--And he told me, "You don't have to understand it. "Your character does." Oh, That always stuck with me.

(LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry.

English - US - CC

Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis.

What if we made your place our new spot? Joe, that's a great idea. Fantastic. We'll see you tonight. This is awesome. Bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant? This is going to be cooler than that time Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself. But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller,

I feel the magic between you and I ooh, I'm hungry for you, baby. Come on. Walk with me. Talk with me. Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there.

Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great. You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours. Look, I realize Quahog isn't the small town it used to be, but it's still very special to me. It's my home. Yeah, come on, guys, she's got dyed roots in this community.

PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes?

Somebody's gonna get hurt. It'll be fine. You again?

Brian should be allowed to see his puppies! Peter, think about what you're doing. I am. Your Honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, If--if I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is-- Chocolate-chip. And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is--

hey, Careful, Quagmire. Don't--Don't get too close to that thing. Ah! Ugh. What the hell? Did I just get laid? Nice game, Peter.

WEll, That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment. Lois, uh, I was thinking, w-Why don't I fly out to Palm Springs and pick up Stewie? Really? yeah, A trip like this is just what I need to clear my head. Well, That would be wonderful.

WhaT if... What if I helped you get a girl? REAlly? You--You think you could do that? Sure. All we gotta do is get you A little fixed up. you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean--

Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight? Count me out. I'm never going to the theater with Peter again. "Remember when you were younger, "Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights "translating books for you? "Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, "afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves."

Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.

Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up.

Everybody, I have an announcement. I am gonna drop this weight and rejoin the workforce. I have decided to become a professional fisherman. What? Why a fisherman? It makes perfect sense, Lois. You know how much time I've spent on the ocean. Wilson! What are we gonna do now? WiLson!

" don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh!

I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1. I think I may have made a mistake.

Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.

Neil, I'm sorry! Meg?

I'm filling in for Peter. He's sick. All right, finally a little harpoon in the bowling alley. All right, what do you say we get this thing started, huh? (LOIS GIGGLING) Whoo, nice roll, Lois! My God. If she chews gum, she's got the whole package.

A child's laughter. Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going. Hi, guys. Uh, hey! How's it going?

Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is...

God's work. And God will be happy that you're joining me. Then I say let's celebrate the way they did in the Bible. With wine, red wine. You know, like Jesus drank. Do you like the wine? Very much. What is it? It's my blood. I have to leave. Nah, sit down.

Not unless you want to. (HUMMING TWILIGHT ZONE) (OVEN DINGS) Oh! My muffins are ready! You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING)

Oh, well. No harm done. I too have sinned, Mother. Oh, my God! That's Rolfe! What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on! Oh, Lois, there you are. Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you for letting us have the wedding here. Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here?

And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run!

Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you. I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work. Ready? One, two, three. (GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts!

(SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away. We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be.

Oh, no! It's him! That's right. I'm Old Man Pressman. I own the junkyard. I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things? Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING) DREYFUSS: Now, he said, "Sic them, boy."

Junior, where you been? Dinner was 3 hours ago! Oh, forget him, James. He's an idiot! Mama, What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state!

By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication.

So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation.

The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to each other. Peter, I-- Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time.

Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me.

So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that. Chris, who are you talking to? Grandma.

You will wind up wearing tattered shoes If you mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze

Your dad was cock of the walk, Glenn. Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt. Your dad once drank me under the table. If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your dad. Your dad had the best penis in the military. Okay, just stop, stop! Everybody, stop!

I don't know, Lois. I haven't met a single interesting person. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, trying to get back on my feet after having my ass handed to me by my bitch of an ex-wife. I'm Thelma. I'll just be going. Can I get you some punch?

Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry.

Well, It does keep the Black Knight at bay. Well, Congratulations on all your success.

(GASPS) Joe, what are you doing here? I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie. Please don't do it. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you lately, but I love you and I need you. Please come home with me. Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. This is so hard.

"on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you "all the things that make us

this isn't the first time it's gotten me into trouble.

- Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.

He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God! You can talk! Never mind.

Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby.

Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us. Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street.

Why haven't you sent for help?

(GASPING) LOIS: I'm home, Peter! Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin!

ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.

and a pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles You suck! Somebody get a hook! This is worse than Seussical! No! No, wait! wait! I was about to do this thing.

Move it, you slowpoke! The Iight's green! What does that cloud look like to you? To me it looks like rain! I used that joke at work. I'm the funniest guy at the office. They say I should do standup. This is insane!

So, what? Are you gonna kill us? Perhaps, Mr. Griffin. I have not yet decided. Well, you might want to do something about that first. What? Quick, shoot him, Chris! What are you waiting for? I... How do I know which one to shoot? What? How do I know which one is the real dad?

It looks like somebody's gonna live to see puberty. Oh, My God! That man just took our money! What man? He was wearing a Jimmy Carter mask like the robber in that Keanu Reeves movie. The Matrix? No, No. It wasn't that recent. It was the One where they were jumping out of a plane. Executive Decision? no, That was with Kurt Russell. But The other guy in this movie, he kind of looks like Kurt Russell.

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is, I still have my penis.

Oh, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? I think They had a meeting about it last night. Why wasn't I told? Well, They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so y-you didn't, uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury.

He's a bad fit, like a crocodile at an alligator rally. Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out! Yeah! Yeah! Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it! Yeah! Yeah! And sometimes walking out onto a dry plain or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then!

Yeah! Yeah! Oh, boy, I can't wait to win a free dirt bike! EMCEE: And all you have to do is pay the sales tax. Who needs a stupid dirt bike! Okay, everyone who wants to win this dirt bike, come on up and put a hand on it!

"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. oh, And, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny.

Well, thanks. I like you a lot. I guess you could say I really like you. I would even dare to go a little further perhaps. I care a great deal about you. A very great deal.

No, no. No, I'm abstinent!

Since when do you go to the gym? Well, it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize I'm completely out of shape. I mean, what if I run into that octopus again? Peter, that's ridiculous. Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife? Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here.

You son of a-- Ahh!

Peter, we're wasting time. Quagmire's in there about to have sex with our daughter. That son of a bitch. Let's... Wait a minute. Do you hear that? I don't hear anything. I know. Isn't it bliss? Peter, let's go! Mmm. Thanks for the ice cream, Glenn. And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants.

Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus. Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here. Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.

Shoot me in the foot. What? Shoot yourself in the foot. No, no, no, no. They can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you. I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work. Ready? One, two, three. (GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts! I think you missed me. All right, I'll try again. No, no, no. Hang on, that looks like it's painful.

Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives.

Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball. You can't just take some Korean-made velveteen primate and call it Rupert. Now, come on, this is all time we could be using to find Rupert's kidnappers. Look, I may as well come clean with you.

Dad, get away from me!

Go to the gym. Have a workout. Come back in your sneakers. If anyone asks, you forgot the boots in your locker. Just make it to lunch. Those boots are made for walkin'. Up to guys' butts. (LAUGHING) - Hey, fellas. Hey. TOM: Good evening, Quahog.

(FARTING) Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What can I do for you, Mrs. Griffin? Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen.

Oh, yes. Ye--yes, I'll have the coffee cake. Yello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter. What's up? Not much.

Mmm... Here, check this out. Wow! This is cool. Yeah, everyone in the neighborhood has one.

Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick! Bon Jovi, everyone. Now I remember why I left Newport!

Stewie, it's bath time. You're filthy again. I'll show you filthy! Yes, look at me! I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now. don't you? Ok, if you want to be dirty, be dirty.

R2? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it! What the deuce are you all staring at? Is there something wrong with me?

Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances - Get out of here. Yeah, okay.

(FIZZ) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Mr. Herbert. I want you back. Please, will you be my paper-customer again? Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY)

Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh? Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday. Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic?

because he's going the fuck overboard. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Glenn. Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity.

I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER? Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall. Interesting. I never saw that movie. Hey, You know one of them was papier-mache, right?

Holy crap! We gotta get outta herE!

Well, there it is. DREYFUSS: None of us could breathe. The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined. CLEVE: He's nasty.

We don't have much time before the bomb... (SHUSHING) Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. - Does he have a wife? - Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter?

'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was? Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home.

There it is! The black market! Lois, if we don't make it out of here alive, i--I should tell ya, i--i--I promised my first girlfriend we'd meet up in Heaven. I--I was lyin'. But--but Just so you know, it's something we might have to deal with.

Well... Well, I hate you, too! Oh, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue. I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid. (SHOUTING) What?

Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? No. Just read it, Lardo. "I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room. Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away from me, or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe. Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon.

And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? $100,000. Pretty good, huh? Jeez! He's been in L.A. how long? Unbelievable. You know, He actually called the main character "John Everyman"?

Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers. Norm. Norm. And Peter. Yeah.

You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time. That's absurd.

Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine?

Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere

We was just wondering if you could send him back. Uh-huh. Well, yes, but I... Well, I don't see how that's anybody's business but my own. Well, how about you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other. What are they saying? Is my baby all right?

I only wish the show was called The King and Us, so I could cast you all. Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star! Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before.

STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change. STEWIE: Are you proud of yourself, that this is what you do?

Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore. And they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes. What--What did you do with the old bras? Okay. Got to time this just right. One, two, three!

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

He's dead. I forgot my purse. All right, All right, let's not panic.

there was a man who was not in such good spirits. The King of England, Stewart the Third. (SIGHS) I'm so bored. I wish to be entertained. Where's my troupe of actors? (TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE) Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother!

(LAUGHING) Damn it! Wow. He poops every time he hears that joke. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. He does, doesn't he?

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull.

I say, walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.

Time for dinner, sweetie.

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus!

Peter, you're back! Let's go home! We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch. We'll find another place. Your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in Hell, may she rest in peace.

We haven't made love ever! (CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby!

Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today. All right, I'll see you later.

Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that?

What the hell? I found it! I found the last scroll! He found it! Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!

Oh, my God! NO!

Yeah, I even had to take a second job as a door-to-door vacuum salesman. This thing can pick up anything. Here's a little demonstration. I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces, and to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces. Tough stain, right? Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.

(ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.

On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty. Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo! In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service. Next item.

Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how! That's good old-fashioned family racism.

Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth. You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. (CHUCKLES) Joyce, you know we don't talk about that on the air. Oh, my God! Did she just say that George P. Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name?

That this is not H.I.V. But full-blown AIDS Not H.I.V., but really Full-blown AIDS

There! Now you can be upset about that. This is fun. I like playing with you, Penelope. What shall we play next? Well, let's see what you have. You have a pop-up version of The Unabomber's Manifesto? Yes. At the end the brother pops up and turns you in.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers.

Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time

You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow!

Well, it appears so. Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! Peter, please calm down. Babs, I think it's time we went to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight. Whoa! Ahh! You can whip me all you like, white devil,

Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.

Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you Yeah, I'd die for you

"David Banner, I just slashed your tires." I'm priceless. Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room. Does she still take the newspaper in there? Ugh, Yeah. And--and--And after she does, i--I just can't read it. Ohhh!

Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out! Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk? Everything. Look, here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away.

Oh, my God, a water fountain! Meg, I'm Jimmy Fallon. It's great to finally meet you. I'm hosting. Why don't you come hang out in my dressing room? - What are you looking at? - Nothing. Come on, let's go.

Betting Freddy took the same wager. (STUTTERING) Bet! Wait a minute. There's nothing funny about an addiction. Vote no on Indian gaming laws.

You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any--

It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. Lois, your family owned my family! Daddy, is that true? Well, it appears so. Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! Peter, please calm down.

Hey, Brian, who are you dating? Jessica Tandy? Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs!

All right, then. Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down.

Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it.

Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me Except for you. You can touch me.

I'm here to seize your assets. Griffin. Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

Wow, I look like a freakin' Emmy. Heh heh. Hint-hint. Oh, Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas. That's never happened before. Morning.

See, there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic. I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no. Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it. They finally got that son of a bitch, Briggs. You know that guy? You're damn right, I do.

- Madonna? - Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid. That's something we can all agree on, right? - Absolutely, yeah. Francis? - Oh, major idiot. Major idiot. Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!

Hey, fun party last night, Joe. You guys, I got something to tell you. The weirdest thing happened to me at that party. I got kissed by this chick cop. No way! What's she look like? Is she hot? Well, I don't know.

But first, let's go to the Ouahog Mega-Mall... where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa... is handing out makeovers. That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover.

I tried everything to get the stain out. What about lemon juice? Oh, What about club soda? What about shutting the hell up?

And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist?

Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you."

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.

That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.

laugh 'n' cry He's... a... fam-i-ly guy it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond,

Why'd you even want to come here, then? Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING)

(LOUDER CRACKING) You know, I think it's my back. Really? You've never mentioned back pain before. Yeah, I try not to mention health problems around the house for fear of being put down.

I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows! Well, At least the T.V. gets decent reception. Ha! Must be some kind of nature show. Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off! Ahh! Great! We're here 5 minutes, and Dad gets mauled by a rodent. This place is horrible. Ok. Now, everybody calm down.

and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged. That's how this weekend came to pass. Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker,

I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are. What the hell do you know about high school? Are you kidding? These kids today are so easy to manipulate. If you plopped me in the middle of a high school,

the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene. Who's that, baby? Ugh! Hello This is Tom Tucker... ...'s evil twin, Todd Tucker, out to destroy his brother's reputation.

Hey, guys! How are you? Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore, hamburgers, French fries, Cokes. (CHUCKLING) You kids don't know what I'm talking about.

Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! Keep going.

Okay, now you're just saying the opposite of what I say. No, I'm not. I'm saying the same as what you say. - Peter. - Lois. - God. - Allah. Look, I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate. She and Mayor West never would've made it. Oh, yeah? Well, nobody believed we'd make it, and look at us now. I drink, and you use sex as a weapon. That seems to me like a successful New England marriage.

2nd door on your left.

Anyway, I'd be happy to help you conduct a search of Quahog and find... What the hell? Where am I? I didn't just bite into a YORK peppermint patty, did I? Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States. Well, this day has taken a bad turn, like Mike Brady's first marriage.

That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman. You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried.

Down by the shores of the hanky-panky Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky (SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate.

And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!

We need more "E's" and "W's" down here now! MAN: We're trying! We're running out of letters! Just turn the "M's" upside down and send them down here! MAN: You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can... I don't care! I'll take the heat! Just turn them over and send them down!

Wishing there would be Someone waiting home for me ENGLISH - US - LINE 21

You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back. Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right.

So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your...

Oh, Bloody hell!

(PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN)

ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now our feature presentation, Lawrence of Arabia, presented in its original, ultra-cinemascope letterbox format. (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA THEME PLAYING) LOIS: Well, I can't see anything. STEWIE: Who's the rather attractive girl on the camel? BRIAN: That's Peter O'Toole. PETER: You film buffs might enjoy this.

That sucks. Sorry, Stewie. That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!

What are you, gay or something? Excuse me?

except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Oh... Uh, Hi, Brian. Uh, Listen, Lois, uh, about yesterday-- Oh, Brian. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's perfectly normal. No, i--i--I know. It's just, you know, I should be able to control my baser instincts. But... lately I've just been having these urges. Brian, Why don't you come up to my parents' house with us?

I got us a GPMS machine. WOMAN'S VOICE: Go up. What do you think? Just go up. Sorry. Okay, can everyone just stop freaking out and just give me, like, two minutes? (CRYING) God! Everyone's always yelling at me. All the questions! All right, well, maybe we'll turn you on later and see how you feel.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Yes, hello, I'd like to buy 400 blister packs of Actifed,

So, what brings you here? Well, I wanted to see if you could come over to my house tonight and run lines with me. Don't you usually do that with Randall? We kind of had a fight.

I'm going home. Where's Brian? Listen, I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL. Can you help me out? I'm sorry. But I've made my decision. We're moving back tO quahog as soon as we can get packed. TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up.

but only a Griffin has thiS. Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it. Yes! Mmm, Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby!

Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly.

Damn it, where the hell did I put that? What are you looking for, Brian? That steak bone you gave me last night. I can't remember what the hell I did with it. Didn't you bring it outside? (LAWNMOWER WHIRRING) (SCREAMING) Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right? No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot! Take your hand away.

Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you?

Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. Oh, there's the cute prom couple. Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon?

(CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. (BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

And yet, I've grown accustomed to her looks Accustomed to her voice Accustomed to her fAce aww. Damn you all!

The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, my God! He's so pissed, he's calling. Well, answer it. No, no, no. I'm gonna send it to voicemail, then call him back, but pocket-dial him while I walk a few blocks. JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello? I'm getting very little work done!

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel?

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

Really? You want to go throw up? Hey, Dad, let's go whack some moles! Now, Chris, we're not here for fun. Now your mom is counting on us to drop off the deposit.

All right. You ready to go home now? Are you kidding? This is amazing. Can we see more universes? Hmm. Well, I haven't tried yet, but I don't see why not. Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy.

So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (INAUDIBLE)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? ahem. Well, I'm-- I'm su-- I'm sure you have something to say to that. Mmm? Oh. Oh, God. Sorry. Can you give me the line again?

I need to see some improvement by the end of the week, - or you're finished. - Don't worry, I'll figure something out. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly. I got to take that. All right, so as you know, by this point in the story, Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food. - Well, guess what's for dinner! - No way.

I'll be back in a bit. Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra. My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!

Oh, You can all go to hell! Hey, Where's the Mayor's office? Uh, Last door on the left. Come on. Come on. Hello, is this the--

I am not worthy.

Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank!

Women are conditioned to feel competitive with other women when we should be supportive. Lizzie, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your husband left you. But you are a beautiful person, and I am here for you. Notice I'm making physical contact with her,

Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello! - Hey. What's going on? - What the hell? Get out of here! What? We're on the same team. We shower together. Yeah, in the locker room. Yeah, yeah, come here, you. Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy?

I finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine. How ironic. Hey, Don't talk about your mother that way. She is not an iron.

Well, I didn't want to quit working. You made me. You don't talk to me that way! Alice, what did you see? Enough to know I'm getting a raise.

Really? They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players! All right, Mom! Are you gonna do it? I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I--I need a moment to think. Ok, I'll do it.

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop! Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott.

Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell!

Oh, my God. - Will you stay? - What? Will you stay with me even knowing that I have herpes? Yes, I will. - Joanie? - Yeah? I don't have herpes. I just needed to know that you'd stay. You say

But.... But I.... You.... No more TV. Well, how about no more job? You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches? I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun.

I want the princess captured immediately. Geez, Gordon, maybe today wasn't the day to wear your mesh stormtrooper shirt. Sorry, it's just... I'm going out dancing after work tonight.

All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch. (SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back.

Hey, you girls thirsty? Could I interest you in a couple of Rob Roys? What's a Rob Roy? Only the drink of Mr. Peter Lawford. Who's Peter Lawford? What am I hitting on, Lou Costello here? Who's Lou Costello? Sorry, my friend's a little new to the club scene. Geez, what the hell's with these broads?

(SQUEAKING) (LAUGHS) I like that sound.

I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't.

I'm going bananas.

Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass?

Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes! We sold out! Yeah. The whole town's talking about your show, Dad! Your show? Peter, this is my show!

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain. Tom, residents all over Quahog have been affected by the heavy rains,

As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what?

Mmm! These scones are delicious. You are quite the little baker, Jerome. Oh, thank God! What's going on in here? Relax, Mr. Furley. I thought what you thought, but it's okay. Well, it sounded like... I know. I know, but it's fine. Go back to being dead. Peter, is everything all right? Yeah. Yeah, Lois. Everything's fine.

Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you! I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly.

Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

Try to play nice with the other children. What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch!

All right. What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool. STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here.

(EXPLOSION) (THUDDING) There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house. Well, it's good to be back in our old house.

Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

Butter Rum's my favorite. Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA?

Hello. You're... You're beautiful. So you got to meet me. Are we gonna do this or what? Listen, I... I got to be honest with you. I am not, in fact, the president of Hot Wheels. And I also lied about the giant chef's hat. I do not have one. Mmm-hmm.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks to the training I received in the Empire, I have all the skills I need to make it in the real world. The Empire GI Bill helped me finish school. Hey, wait up! And I met my wife in the service.

You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together. Me, too, Lois. It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with. Don't you have any back home? Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that. That's kind of what I want to talk to you about, Brenda. Do you mind taking off your sunglasses? (SIGHS)

I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow morning, when you're all shipped off to Iraq. What? Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq. This isn't so bad. Yes, the people are friendly.

Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn.

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

Uh-oh! What is it? The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie. All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

I wish to make love to you. (CHUCKLING) Oh, no, thank you. What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy. Yeah, but this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different. Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis. Well, but... See, there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic.

MOTHER MAGGIE: Now, children, we're going to learn who wears a hat. Can a fireman wear a hat? No? CHILDREN: Yes. Yes. Can a policeman wear a hat? No way. CHILDREN: Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. Yes, he can, I knew that. Now, you at home, tell me, who else wears a hat?

Peter, I want you to help Chris. Kids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork. I saw that on a 2-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday. What the hell is Gatilsday? Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline. But the Gumbel show is sacred to us. Bryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have someday.

Mary, have you seen Nicholas? He's up in his room sulking, Dad. Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards. Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich.

Peter, since when do you care about the School Board? Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get him back into the classroom,

Too late! There they are!

You know what sounds even worse? Ah! Listen to that. Don't you hate that? That is awful. I think it's easier on me because I'm the one making the sound.

3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television.

I have arranged to have that taken care of. This ride's gonna be so frustrating. - I know. These horses are so slow. - Sexy. Sexy. Good-bye, Abraham Lincoln people.

I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this. - You're still my little buddy, right? - Yeah. Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom. - Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois. - Goodnight. Peter, this is a little strange. No stranger than when Darth Vader was a meter maid.

I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch T.V. anymore. All the shows are starting to run togetheR. This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H".

Well, I had a little help from a very special friend.

Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS)

Wait a minute. Something's different. Hmm. Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager? And help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.

(HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe.

Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS. All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls.

Grim news from Daytona, Florida, where the remains of three female college students were found near a local nightclub. Reports suggest that all three were violated sexually before being brutally murdered. Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me.

What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together. Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow!

All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!

You want to be a puppet? Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on. Spread your tiny wings and fly away! (MUFFLED SINGING)

You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it. The next person you see. The very next person you see.

Hey, don't call me names, Kyle. Hi, Kyle. Mmm.

Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible.

What about him? He's gotta be in his 50s. So what do you think? I think you're very sensitive,

Stewie! Prepare to suck that golden teat Now that you're stinking rich we'll gladly be your bitch

Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, like--like Jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and--and if you were cool with it, then, uh, you know, we would go from there. But This is a much better idea. I'm going to do it, Lois. I'm gonna realize my dream! I am gonna be a Renaissance Faire jouster!

You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop. Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop! I need a plastic bag. Here's a thin napkin. Okay, I'm a new neighbor and you're my pet human, Hotchkiss. Got it? I'm not so crazy about Hotchkiss anymore.

I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in. (CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing?

Payback! (BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches.

You know, why don't I just meet you home? I'm going to run some errands. - You sure you're okay? - I'm positive. Absolutely positive. Okay, our next young actress on the audition list is Karina Smirnoff. Hello, everyone!

I thought you might say something like that. Well, you do have it coming. Anyway, I convinced Meg to go to the dance. So I'm gonna go drop her off. Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson. I wasn't yelling. I was just saying-- Oh, You would bring that up. Can't you leave the past where it belongs? Peter, What's wrong with you?

This is a professional medical institution with standards and regulations to adhere to! But... But I... I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'll go. (BOTTLE CLATTERS) My issue has resolved itself.

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!

Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

Pardon me, sir. We're trying to locate a possessed child. Have you seen anyone who looks like this? Yeah, that's my son. He's actually in the Mini Mart right now. He'll be out in a second. (STAMMERING) I mean, I mean, no. No, never seen him before. Hmm... What was that first thing you said? Oh, I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son.

I don't like to be touched! duh! Ahh!

Yeah, You've been pitching that for an hour.

Hey, fat ass, you like... You like this bus bench? I... It's okay. All right, that's good enough for me. I'm smashing it!

My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

I--i--I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon.

As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair.

(SPEAKING ELVISH) (SPEAKING ELVISH)

(SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here?

(COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, for God's sake. Look, do you have any idea how expensive medical school is? No, I don't.

"Wide load"? "Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"?

You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners? No. - Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ,

Brian, can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this Abercrombie & Fitch catalog?

Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos. Y'know, If you stay home, then you're just proving to the other kids that you don't belong there. Yeah. And you might have a really good time. I'll tell you one thing, I still regret not going to my junior dance. Bu--

Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

Hey, dudes, what you looking at? We think we found something. (PROBE DROID CHATTERING) That's it. The Rebels are there. My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be a phony! A big, fat phony! What'd them Rebels do anyways? You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog.

You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

Mom, I can't find my jacket. (LAUGHING)

across from the park, apartment two. Atta girl! Okay, now spit in your own mouth. This is a cool place.

Because it's Rule 142-B! Good job, Scout. Now drop and give me 20! Thank you, sir! Ladies, this Saturday at 0-800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your obedience. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow.

(SIREN BLARING) No, but I mean after soccer practice. You got anything planned for then? I mean, nothing, nothing. Keep walking. You don't know me.

Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky. You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy, but others might. Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy.

I even had a couple of Japanese guys who worked out great. Thank you very much. You guys have been terrific. And now, our final performance of the night. Let's hear it for Handful of Peter. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

but I was kind of hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down. I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

Oh, I am. Prouder than when I was a peacock. Griffin, nice work on the Anderson account.

Dad, how come you keep looking at the door? Oh, Meg. You and your drugs. Oh! I wonder who that could be. Peter Gifford?

Noble Indian chief, bring us back your ways You Indians were so awesome in, oh, so many ways

Good day, Meg. Oh, it's gonna happen. (RINGS DOORBELL) Oh, hi, Meg. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

All right, for this next trick, I need a quarter from the audience. Okay, thank you. (FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) (DOOR SLAMMING) (CAR STARTING) (TIRES SQUEALING)

And I guess that's why They call it the blues And I guess that's why They call it the blues Joe, you got a minute? What is it, Peter?

Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies.

Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin. All right, look. First of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment. Peter, please!

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

What if they bury her and she wakes up because she wasn't really dead she was only sleeping? Yeah. That's what happened to our big brother Jimmy. That's why Mom and Dad adopted you. What?

Well, I think this is gonna top it. Wow, it's the Pope! Slothful sinners! You're here to work, not sit around with your... Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father. I am not worthy. Rise, my son. You are indeed worthy,

I can't believe she went ahead and did it. After I specifically told her how I felt. Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to... (SNIFFING) Lois just peed on something. - Hey, Brian, you picking up on that? - Yeah.

Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy. Peter, your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptized. I am sick of him always trying to force his religious views on us. All right, I'll talk to him, Lois, but, you know,

Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame?

Damn! I was two days from retirement.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) (THUDDING) Hey, did you hear something? I think it came from upstairs.

Hey, Aren't you coming? Uh, thanks, but No thanks. I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy.

Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

Besides, it's Charles in Charge. JOE: You know what I like? The "Charles" part is formal, but the "In Charge" part is kind of casual. QUAGMIRE: Oh, wow. Remember this? Remember when nobody had any muscle tone? (CHARLES IN CHARGE THEME PLAYING) QUAGMIRE: Geez, how many "A's" does that guy need? JOE: Two, apparently.

He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see? He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie. What are you saying?

What? Dry plain? Dusty field? Nice to get out of the swamp? What a croc! And that's where we get the term.

Meg? Looks like I'm all alone. Well, hey, that's all right. I watch a lot of movies. I can just use my imagination. - Hi, Carl. - Hey, Bear. So, in the bear world are, like, pandas your version of interracial children? Yeah. Pandas aren't something I agree with.

Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans. I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't.

Oh, quahog can be pretty exciting, too. Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo. I-17. Oh, Darn it. aah! Oh, I haven't played Bingo in years!

(GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

People can always sense a fraud. Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there's a Chinese among us. Rest assured, he will be found. Security is launching a full-scale investigation into the genealogy records of every single one of our employees. This man will be found, and there will be dire consequences. Too bad about that Chinese guy, huh?

Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

Iraq lobster I've tried talking to Brenda about leaving him, but I haven't gotten anywhere. I was actually hoping you could talk to her, Lois. She might open up more to you 'cause you're a woman. Me? Yeah. Would you mind at least trying? Well, I guess she does need someone to talk to.

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING)

Chris, grab a guitar. Brian, take the drums. Here, Stewie, play with this. Mom, can we please just get out of here? - Oh, my God. - Who is she? God, I could strangle her all night long. Boy, that's not healthy, is it? That that's the first place I go to?

Red-headed lady reaching for an apple

All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman!

Okay, you can have the helicopter.

You know, Brian, you and I should do... No.

Stop it, Meg. Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

I'm afraid he might not have survived, Mrs. Griffin. We've been searching these woods for weeks. We've got to keep looking. He's got to be out there somewhere. Oh, my God, we're in Canada.

She's being kept alive by medical science. Gee, look at all this stuff. How does it all work? Well, I'll tell you. This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? Oh, that's just the TV ALL: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Mr. Herbert, what's life really all about? Well, I suppose it's about trying new things, sampling the sweet and the savory, not being afraid to take everything life wants to throw up on into ya.

I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all. I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Excellent, excellent!

The Homing Beacon is safely on board the Millennium Falcon. I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. It'd better work. You know, I think they took your old couch. What? I threw that away. Yeah, it was weird. I just killed Obi-Wan, and then I look over and there are these two dudes scurrying across with a couch. It had a stain on it, from when we had Hawaiian Punch night.

Inch-and-a-half left of your part.

(SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

Peter, we can't do it. You're too heavy.

Ha. What's that supposed to mean?

Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy. And Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room. And here we have the lounge. Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot!

Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this.

Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no!

who I'm looking forward to meeting, and I hope is making steakums tonight. Hey, Meg, wanna ditch and go to the mall? Sure. See you, Lando. Ah, This is great. Not only did I live long enough to see Meg go to her first dance, but I'm taking her, too.

or are you and the critics busy yanking each other off right now? - Excuse me? - Look, your show is really boring.

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

but right now, I am exhausted. Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

Well, don't take it too hard. You're not the first person to get fired. Look, uh, Louis, the French people really want to thank you for your services as king. But it's just not working out and we've decided to go another way. So...

Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people... for a pre-determined period of time... based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So I have no choice but to set you free. Does that mean I get my kids back? Absolutely not. Case closed. Oh, crap!

He'd walk into an army barracks and make every private there feel important. Yeah, he just knew how to stroke those privates. Oh, God! Your dad was cock of the walk, Glenn. Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt. Your dad once drank me under the table. If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your dad. Your dad had the best penis in the military.

Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed! Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He is a graceful, majestic creature who is a part of this family and only wants your love and respect. The horse may have pooped in the bed.

"That was good. You guys should do that more." Oh, yeah, they totally would, but look, I still want to go home, Stewie. How do we get out of here? Well, if I overload the return pad's reactor, it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe, but it's too risky. But it could get us home. Well, maybe, but it'll break my thing. And if I overload that reactor, we could both die.

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east.

Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do. - Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie. Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just...

(MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go. (SMASHING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for buying me dinner, Mr. Herbert.

Exhibit A, one bloody Slinky. Oh! Exhibit B, one semen-covered View-Master (GROANS) with the reel of the Grand Canyon, (WHINES) and a blood-splattered Mr. Potato Head, (WHINES) and these socks you really need. (GROANS)

Ow! Okay, let's eat. I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming. But we had fun at the Teen Choice Awards, right? I guess. Well, I guess we ought to call it a night. Come on, Stewie. Up to bed. No party? Oh, come on!

Want to talk about it, champ? Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell getting around. I actually had to rent a Mustang.

I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid. I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me! Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?

We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop.

Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened?

Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.

I know, gross. Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die

You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us. Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.

to keep away the cold I goT--

Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again. We got a big tournament coming up next week. Well, hurry back, handsome. Oh, Peter, this is so much fun.

Oh, God, Peter! Scared the hell out of me!

(LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself... (SHOUTING)

Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay... Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What?

(FARTING) Sorry! Sorry. Been building up for a while. Sorry. (CONTINUES FARTING) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about this. Sorry. There we are.

Hey, hey! It's the Griffins! What can I do for you?

Oh, when you wash your penis in the sink and go to bed. God, Joe! Finally! Is your watch paralyzed, too? Guys, I don't think I can make it today. It's looking like Bonnie might go into labor any minute. So I think I should stick close to home. It's your fault for knocking her up.

For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

Who are you? I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY)

Ooh, look at that. "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year."

(SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No.

If I remember correctly, this is the Physics Department. That explains all the gravity. I say, it's like the spice rack in my fantasy kitchEN.

Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe. Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make--

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group,

Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay!

Why, you little snot-nosed-- Mr. Griffin!

(GASPS) Holy crap! Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn.

All right, kiss government goodbye.

So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this.

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!

Oh, stop whining, Luke, and come have some blue milk.

What do you mean, Brian? We might have to release Peter back into the wild. What! We can't do that. We'll never see him again! Eh, enough time passes, you'll forget all about him. Just like Inspector Gadget forgot about that one-night stand. Suzanne, we have to talk. Okay. Someone has made contact with me.

We've been meeting people for the past three days. Well, you don't need to look for somebody new. I'll hang out with you guys. Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you.

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)

Why did we need the horse suit for that?

I brought your Raffi tape. Play Wheels on the Bus and get the hell out of my sight. Where's Brian? Hey, Aren't you coming? Uh, thanks, but No thanks. I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy. Will you be ok by yourself? Oh, I think I'll manage.

ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay! (EXCLAIMS) Huh. That was kind of cool.

I paid him $10 to say it. Classic.

Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people... People are gonna be sorry they didn't come. They're gonna... This was a good night.

No. I cannot get sick right now.

I'm a bit distracted. I wasn't expecting we'd do this today, in light of the circumstances. What circumstances? Oh, dear God, didn't you hear? The bomb? The bomb that went off in Times Square? All those poor people, dead! Oh, my God! My cousin works in Times Square!

Ow. my pride. Mom, you were right.

Nah. It's too much, too much. (BEEPS) I love stars!

Brian, look at this. Now, this is a tasteful nude. It's called "A Saucy Outing In Tottenham Court Square."

Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok. We got away just in time. We got away just in time. All right, now, is that everything you stole? Uh, That's everything. You know, you really should talk to a therapist about this. I mean, it really helped Peter out when he became obsessed with that fantasy world of his.

You just started listing lazily to the left.

Okay, I wanna say "who." Oh, boy. Fantastic Four. Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas. Is it "what?" That's right. You win, Peter. You did it.

Ah. Peter, How the hell can you afford lobster on your salary? I got a raise. What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold.

Well, it's become clear. The only way to avert this disaster is by writing a strongly-worded letter to the black hole. "Dear Space. Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you? "You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate. "Well, you're not gonna be so tough "when I put a fish bowl on my head and a rocket pack on my back,

Peter, you get down from that tree this instant. PETER: No, you're going to yell at me! You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names. You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child.

Bye, new awesome friends. Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Unless you're going to pull a sundae out of your belly button, I'd get your ass in the fucking kitchen.

Two miles wide You'll feel better once you've testified Testify Oh, yeah Testify I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever.

Aunt Beru, when are you guys going to let me join the Rebellion, like all my friends? Oh, stop whining, Luke, and come have some blue milk. One of these days, I'm just gonna take off and join the Rebellion, whether you like it or not. Over my burnt carcass. (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, shut up-a with the noise-a.

BRIAN: All right, so we're on the third floor. All right, let's get in the elevator. And hurry up, 'cause the smell of that Mrs. Fields is killing me.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

(CONTINUES LAUGHING) I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day. Oh! British guys always capture my butterflies. Yes, and to add insult to injury, I shall present to you my fanny. Sir Chadwell Heath.

Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop.

I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no!

You're not bein' creative. You're just destroyin' a wonderful show. Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m. The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you've turned my show into.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

Donna? It's Grant, your new husband. Hi, honey. I've got great news. What is it? First, where do we keep the good scotch? At your brother's house. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (PETER LAUGHING) I got an audition for the hottest new play in town. This could really make my career and we can finally start our family. What's it called?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet?

Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!

Ouch. Damn, that hurts. What happened? I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.

What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

HERBERT: Use the Force, Luke. Obi-Wan? Yeah, it's me. Use the Force. Force that thing in there, just like I showed you with those puppets. But don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble.

Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. Aren't you handsome? From now on, I plan on being a real father to Dylan, and together, we are gonna turn his life around.

Pearl! Come on, Pearl! Don't do this! You should be happy! I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor! Now, move! Your fur is making my feet sweat! Ah, Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing.

Where have I heard that before? It's all here in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-Life's Killers of quahog. Wow. They're all herE. John the Biter, the Berserk Hobo, the Golden Autumn Day Strangler. M-Maybe Steve won't remember you.

Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

but am I the only one getting a boner right now?

Okay, I got one. Who would you rather do? Lois or Bonnie? Well, Bonnie has a moisture issue. So does Lois. Punch Lois in the back of the head. She just black out or is there a chance she might have a seizure? I don't know.

Gotcha! To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox.

- Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food? Well, actually, this dinner honors all of you. Where should I begin? You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian, thanks to this beautiful little angel. She came into my life as if out of nowhere, enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams,

Okay, Quagmire's turn. Truth or dare? I pick dare. No, no. Truth. Truth. Okay, truth. Do you have AIDS? Come on, we're all just trying to have a good time.

Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter? Oh. I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone. Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway!

Ugh! And it's Odai Mutambo of Kenya! The decathlon. I don't know. That's quite a mountain to climb, Peter. Joe, look at me! look at me! Do I have food in my teeth? No. oh, Great. Thank God! N-Now, listen here, Joe. You and I both know you have what it takes to win this thing.

(IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me. No more oppression! We as American adults with free will have the right to use marijuana if we choose to! Enough government profiteering under the guise of morality! Enough with this phony war on drugs!

That's it. Spread that butter, with the Force. Ha! You guys seem like crazy morons to me. You don't believe in the Force, do you? Oh, you mean that thing you just found out about, like, three hours ago, and are now judging me for not believing in it? Do you believe in anything? Uh, yeah. Didn't you see my Cabala bracelet? What's Cabala?

Oh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl. I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one-D-4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-5 holy avenger. Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration.

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three. Hey! What you doing down there, Lois? What's the matter?

What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next. Peter, have you been drinking? Well, a little. It is a party. Take off that stupid costume. You look like a damn fool. Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale. Everyone, I'll be right back.

Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Look, Lois, you don't have to do this for me. I know I make you mad sometimes, but I thought we agreed you'd hang up the gloves. I'll hang up the gloves after I knock her ass out. Peter, she milked your boobs, and there were a lot of people I knew there. Now, let's go.

And it's so obvious I don't care about the family. I just killed a 700-pound tiger with a stick and a rock! That doesn't make you a man, Gary. Here we go. Here's act two of the performance. Karen pretends to leave home for the 20th time. You know what, Karen. Go! I'm not going to stop you. Just go! - Get out! Get the hell out! - Screw you, Gary!

Run! There you are. Oh, Don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Oh. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baa-shful? Oh, oh. That's right. You're all ripe for parody.

- All right! You ready for school? - Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes.

I don't know, Brian. You don't want to mess things up. Well, we'll find out tonight, won't we? All right, but just one last piece of advice. Remember, listen to her body, and respond the way you'd want her to respond to you. Uh, okay. Thanks. That's very helpful. You'll be a wonderful lover, Brian.

All right, class, today we're going to be talking about variables. (CLASS GIGGLING) Okay, it's just a rear end. We all have one. Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's.

We'll be as out of place there as a black guy in Sweden.

Watch this. Oh, Stewie, stop eating like a little piggy. Maybe We should cut down on your sweets. You're starting to get a little Buddha belly. Chris, where have you been?

Is that so? Let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue to sing! And... How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois. Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble.

- I'm a magician. - You are?

CARTER: Babs, you want to spend a mind-blowing afternoon? Get stoned and listen to this song. (WOMAN SINGING) Jeepers, creepers Where'd you get those peepers? BABS: But after some months, the letters stopped coming, and I was certain he had perished.

(ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this. Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian.

you want to go out on a date with me. You want me to be your girlfriend? Shucks. I guess that's what I'm driving at. Okay. Pick me up Saturday at 8:00. Great. See you then. There you go. Being confident. Like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation. If that was me. I'm just saying, if that was me,

Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles. That's what I do when I take my dad's car out. Are you 16? I will be next September.

Come on. Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow! Relax. The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back.

Not again. Well, Mr. Griffin, your arguments for the school's name change...

God, I hate television. Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame? Uh, well... You see... We... You know what? I don't care. I hooked up with a chick tonight, and I am pretty darn proud of myself.

You know, like all of America gets distracted whenever a cute white girl dies. We regret to report that not all the children on board the school bus survived. We have identified the body of one victim, nine-year-old Becky Gunderson. (ALL EXCLAIMING) No, wait, that's, uh, Becky Gutierrez. That's not news.

However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology, we'll show you how disastrous it could have been. Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school. (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies.

I'd like you to meet my daughter's husband, Michael.

Nice. Brian, what are you doing? Oh, geez, Stewie. Scared the crap out of me. Whatcha got there? (SIGHS) Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone. All right? You have to be really cool about this. Yeah, of course. These are mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug. Makes you see weird things and feel happy for a few hours.

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING)

Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad.

Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow. You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt.

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW PLAYING)

Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this. You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in.

It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm. And we have that kind of happiness, Peter. Real happiness because we have each other.

We are all gonna die!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator. MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talking or you get busy dying. The work is really quite easy.

Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything.

(GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing? Getting scraped to death by my zipper. You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me? I'm the one who made you popular! (CHUCKLES) No, Connie. Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular.

If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well. Build a bar! That's a great idea.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Peter, this is ridiculous. It's time for you to come home. I live here now, Lois. Look, I'm sorry that I ever got us separate...

shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you. Gee! Y-You really think so? Absolutely. You got any SPF-50? I bleach like a gym sock. Look, Death, will you relax?

I hope everything's all right. My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this. Gentlemen, I give you the new Joe Swanson. (ALL GASPING) - Well, what do you think? Wow! You look great, Joe. Holy crap!

Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

- Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there. ANNOUNCER ON TV: ...your shows will appear on "My Playlist." Peter, it's been eight hours, and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless!

Starts with a screwdriver. Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman. Jeez, Can you believe that guy?

something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..." War, war, war! That last sentence was about war! Look, an expert confirmed that the blackmail note was signed by the victim. That points irrefutably to West. Well, maybe we should take a look at that letter.

I'm bored. Peter, you made me crash the damn plane! Okay, I know you're a pilot and everything, but not everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you, Quagmire. Well, we're out of cell phone range and the radio's shot. This is not good.

What? Come on, he's a cute little giraffe.

Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR. Let's go throw up. - Sure! - Good idea! Hey, I love throwing up.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Hey! Hey, everybody. Hey." (IN NORMAL VOICE) Ah! What's this one? Who's this guy? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Who am I? "I need a character. I need a backstory. "I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer.

someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven? If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer. I didn't kill anybody!

How's it going, Mr. Hitler? It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants. (LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming? It's coming, it's coming. There are some problems. We're having much better luck developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons. Oh, damn. Well, I guess we'll just let you get back to work.

I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.

Too late, I already narrowed my eyes.

I have revealed to you today these horrors in the hope that you will see the need for change, but always remember, what I have done here today is not a courageous act. The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say no to a fast food restaurant and eat a salad instead.

Oh, yeah, that's just as fun. All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you!

Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian. It operates according to the laws of physics, but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no laws of physics. Watch.

Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine. Man, what a bunch of jerks. Yeah, we should call Ross and tell him,

Can we work it out, maybe some other way? Wait a minute. Something doesn't smell funny here. You're not Arab! You two are coming with me. WOMAN: This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money. Oh, my God, Meg! Wonder what music they're gonna use for her?

There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step as they dig your grave as they dig your grave Do I hear singing? No! No singing. Just us watching another hilarious episode of Good Times. You know, The sitcom that's funnier when you play it really loud.

Hola, Stewie. Ni hao, Stewie. Stewie. Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad!

Oh, and what street is the bathroom on?

But Brian, Brian's solid. He's the one guy I know I can trust. Brian tried to have sex with me. Was he bigger than me? "...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf.

- Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah!

Victory shall be mine!

"Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me? Yeah. P.S...

Yes, so many questions!

I-17. Oh, Darn it. aah! Oh, I haven't played Bingo in years! Silence! Ever since you two met, you've done nothing but wax idiotic! I must escape this infernal babble! Ah!

Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w. Like "cow." So it's kind of... It's sort of a dark joke. Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's really funny.

Wait a minute. Germany's building weapons of mass destruction?

Hello, family. Hello, honey. (BABBLES LOVINGLY) Stop calling me that. I don't care what the law says, you're not Peter Griffin, you're James Woods. I should've warned you, she can be a real bitch in the morning.

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING)

TV ANNOUNCER: From Time Life Music comes a one-of-a-kind Rat Pack collection. Their most bigoted songs. All your favorite once acceptable hits, like Drunk Old Injun.

Anna took a dump on me.

Oh. Say, Michael, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Stay away from my daughter, you possible rapist! Dad, stop it! Michael's my date! Meg, I almost lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again! This guy may look harmless on the outside,

Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death. What the hell is this? It's a boy! Hey, Anybody seen Stewie?

"and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped.

but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH?

My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

Mom, you know I go to the mall on Saturdays. I mean, I do have a life.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Well, it just goes to prove that even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychopathic killer. Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood. When we all see each other at school on Monday, are we still gonna be friends?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

How about this one? "In your face, Nancy Grace."

Uh... Lois. You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing?

All right, let's everybody just calm the fuck down. Move! Run!

I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today.

Up yours, sack breath! That's "Mr. Griffin." But, Peter, why would they make you President? Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'.

Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya.

All right, I caught a fish! Oh, huh. Sorry about that, Loretta. Hey, can I have my fish back?

Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies, but one passenger had survived, gone home and mercilessly beat his wife.

It's a paradise, Brian. Trees grow from Republican sod And everyone prays to a proper right-wing god Republican Catholics?

(BUZZER RINGING) Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. Bet you could spell "box cutter." I'm nine years old and I'm Indian.

Carter, you found a cure for cancer? Well, I didn't come up with it. A couple of eggheads I hired did. One of them's a Chinese. Boy, I don't like those people. But holy crap, wind them up and watch them go. How long have you had this? I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song?

Come on, guys, get him!

Oh, snap! Snap! Snap! Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right? Here it is, gang. Seared ahi tostadas, grilled asparagus, couscous, and for dessert, molten chocolate lava cake. Wait a minute.

All right, Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing. Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair. I need it to move. Okay, yeah, but your character can walk. Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk. Okay, Chris, roll film. And action! Joe, get out of the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod.

No, we didn't see his face. All we know is it's a skinny white guy with a tattoo on his left butt cheek. Well, I better tell Cleveland. I got a knack for delivering bad news.

I brought your Raffi tape. Play Wheels on the Bus and get the hell out of my sight. Where's Brian? Hey, Aren't you coming? Uh, thanks, but No thanks. I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy. Will you be ok by yourself? Oh, I think I'll manage. All right, you guys. We're off!

I'm here to serve the fine citizens of quahog. It'd be my pleasure to give you a permit. Well, It's about time! Well, This is odd. What? I've never encountered anything like this before, but your property doesn't seem to be on the map. It's not part of quahog. What ThE hell are you talking about? I've been living at 31 Spooner Street for 12 years.

Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. (YAWNS) Dad, what are you doing? Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40. (MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

- Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

- Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City. - What? Yeah, those jokers just called and said I had to go on a last-minute business trip. What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see. And in case you're wondering why I don't have business charts, yes, I do.

- Peter, make him stop! - (CHUCKLES) Hey, what do you got going on down there, Quagmire? You got a rodent situation? (EXCLAIMS) No! Well, Xerxes seems to think there is. Get him off, Peter! Admit you got a rodent in there. - Peter! - Admit it! (GAGGING) Oh, you scared him out the front. Tony, come back!

Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. And I'm sorry I have no talent.

Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food!

Sure. I was just going for a ride. Hop on. So, I found out I have a black ancestor. Is that right? Well, that's fantastic, Peter.

But I can't do it without you guys, because I'll tell you who's the boss. It's not Tony or Angela. It's not even man-crazy Mona. It's all of us. Quagmire, You're the boss because you never give up, like with the ladies.

You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad!

It's quite simple, actually. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons, and the clown face is just a clown face. Enjoy it. Now, battle stations, everyone! At my signal, unleash hell!

You... Actor. You... Tony? You...

Meg, it goes by many names. Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers, and, until recently, Giant Horse Vagina, but I prefer the term mustache. Oh! I think it's sexy.

A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Don't worry, Meg. I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse. Strange. These conventions usually have Segway parking.

He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America.

Uh, He's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-Maybe you've seen him. His name is Chris Griffin. Wait A sec, you know, I think I got a picture of him somewhere. Here you go. Yeah, You can go ahead and hang on to that. I got a ton of them at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway, 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

But what is the price of our souls? 6 million dollars a week. That sounds right. You know what? Take your crappy car back. Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet. All right! We did it! Let's get the hell out of here.

Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview? Shut up and get a ladder or something. Actually, yeah. Maybe we are doing an interview. So, Stewie, tell us about that new project you have coming up. What're you talking about? Get me down, you douche.

But why didn't we disappear? I can only surmise that the explosion from my old return pad irradiated us in highly charged chronoton particles, allowing us to momentarily survive. Boy, that was lucky. Yeah, things worked out. Well, we have to stop him! Yes. Unfortunately, Bertram took the return pad with him,

(SIGHS) Let's see. Who's in this thing? Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody. Victor Garber? That's pretty good. How did he get Victor... Oh, of course. Tonight it's Randall Evan Battincourt. God, I hate understudies. King Louis XVI has been sentenced to death by guillotine.

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I... (BOTH GASPING) Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom.

But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

(SIGHS) He took the Twitter name Mayor West, so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker! But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!

Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower! Brian, come here. I want you to hear my presidential address for St. Rupert's Day.

What? The demolition will begin in--Now. Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um, uh, skills.

I'm gonna go get my purse. All right. Hey, based on what you've seen with your wife, w-what can we expect in terms of droopage here? We talking a slight slope or the full-blown fried-eggs-hanging- on-a-nail-thing? Peter, What do you think of this bronze statue? It's nice. It's early Etruscan. Oh, Get out of here! No, seriously. Oh, That's great.

No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa!

Okay, James, you ready? Now catch it in your mouth like Brian. undefinedJames, you got to bite down. " got a question, Peter.

Hey, Paw, you're late. You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull!

(LINE DISCONNECTS) (SIGHS)

Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene. (SCOFFS) It wears off after two and a half weeks. Oh! Great. Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number. Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys.

your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog, well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development. Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick!

Chris, there is a monkey here. And I just fed him a whole bag of Subway sandwiches. In a couple hours, we are gonna sit around and throw his soft-bread stool at each other. Now, you are welcome to be a part of that, or not. I'm just telling you what's gonna happen. Well, thanks for nothing, Dad!

Hey, who raked the leaves? And look, somebody mowed the lawn. I was supposed to do that. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard. Peter, we don't have a choice. We've gotta bring Eli back. Oh, no, we don't.

Peter, that's a wonderful idea! Yeah. We'll be just like The Honeymooners!

Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us!

Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it.

What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.

Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture.

But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient.

That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning. The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder.

Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat. Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me. Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore.

Hey, Dad, look. I covered my back with honey, and now the ants are taking me home. He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches. If you turn the light on really fast, they slam him into the fridge. Oh, Great, Mirabella.

For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store. (ALL LAUGHING)

THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!

Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him!

Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say? Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss. Aw, Jeez, This isn't another one of those interventions, is it?

Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm--I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party.

That was very good, Peter. I know! (CELL PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) Geez, that's all my life is lately, just a bunch of chores. I'm sick of Lois always making me do stupid stuff. I know what you're saying, Peter. Bonnie's always making me do all these impossible household tasks. BONNIE: Joe, make sure you get all the tire tracks out of the carpet.

Acting like he doesn't want us to look. He wants us to look. - CHRIS: Stop making fun of me! - (BOTH GASP) I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris!

Hey, if anyone appreciates a good yoke, it's the "Yews." (LAUGHING) That's my Jewish laugh. I'm working on a Jewish laugh. Peter, I'm so embarrassed right now. Can we please just go? Hi, you're pretty.

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well!

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh!

and I haven't even got to drive it yet. Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

So, let's go see the U.S.A. They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee But you can forgive the world and its flaws

I am a very proud dad right now. And look at that Connie. Jesus Christ! I bet that thing's so tight you've gotta call the city to get in there.

I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Maybe in a couple of years, who knows?

Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole.

Ahhh! (RETCHING) Ahhh!

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no!

Hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons? Shut up!

- You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em.

Oh, hi, Stewie.

Cleveland, find that door. PETER: Check. QUAGMIRE: Check. Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four. (SAFETY DANCE PLAYING) We can dance if we want to

Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in.

(KNOCKING) Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us. CAPTAIN: I'll be right out. Sir, we've already lost 10 men. Hang on. Sir, don't you think we should return fire? Yeah, yeah, go ahead and do that, and I'll meet you up there in, like, five minutes.

What the hell is going on? My teleportation machine worked. Of course it did, that's how we got here. No, that's how you got here. I flew. The machine must have created two pairs of us. One that was teleported to Las Vegas, and the other that wasn't. You're kidding. That's unbelievable. I know, it... Wait. Where's the other me?

Aw, But you meet such colorful characters in taxis, like Alex Rieger and Tony, and that funny foreign guy who worked in the garage.

"Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987. ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta. Newport would like to extend a special welcome...

I hope you know what you're doing. I've just found that Leia's constant questioning of me has not been productive to the atmosphere of the ship. And I think that she just needs to get some respect for herself.

Hey, fellas! Guess what? I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club. Barrington? Wow! I'm in. Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary. Aw, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. Well, it turns out I'm not royalty. Shame about the Queen, though. Yeah, I reckon she's with Jesus Christ in heaven now. (SPITS) (METALLIC DING) Well, I'm just happy our family is safe and sound,

Okay, you have a good night.

Aw, This sucks, Brian. Wh--Why should I have to pay this? I mean, There's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, iT's a shame you're not dying. Wait a second. That's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I gotta do is write "deceased" right here where it says "name." And where it says "sex," I'll write, "No, thanks. I'm dead."

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, the President has been shot. Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot. What's the President doing in this casket? We'll tell you right after this. Hey, Meg, nice job on that report last night. Wow! Thanks, Mr. Tucker. That means so much coming from someone as handsome as yourself.

And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! Oh, you! Yipes!

We've lost him. If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked. Look, buddy. Just go in the pan. And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off. Hey, nurse? Nurse? What would you do for a Klondike BAR?

Out of the way! I'm an EMT. (GRUNTING) Her airway's jammed. Come on now. Just like that.

(SNIFFS) Nothing. You actually know what she smells like? I know what everybody smells like. - Carl? - Cheetos. - Mort? - Pennies. - Derek? - Brut. - Joe? - Feces. - Consuela? - Pledge. - Seamus? - Wood. - Quagmire? - Wood. Wow. You know, I have to admit, before this Muriel thing I actually thought you might be the murderer. Oh, my God, so insulted.

Brian, what the hell? Uh, hey, Lois. (GASPS) The jig's up, Brian! Run! Brian, is this how you're trying to pass your drug test? By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick! No. What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol.

(PLAYING FAST-PACED TUNE)

so there are no laws of physics. Watch. How the hell did you do that? No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul

BOTH: How? Oh, I haven't thought about that in years. You know, it would be fun to write some new songs. You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud. So I was thinking we could... Streaks on the china Never mattered before Who cared When you drop kick your jacket

Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die! it's gone! It's gone! Oh, Thank God!

Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian, this move is really working out great. It just feels right, you know. Cool. Rock on, Brian. Okay, done. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Had a bit of a row with a fellow in the steam room. You don't say! Gave him a cauliflower ear.

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that!

That takes 45 minutes. That's okay. I can't believe we're doing this, but I gotta say, it feels kind of right. I know, it's so weird, right? I mean, it's, like, fast. I mean, it's fast, but it feels, like, okay, you know? I mean, like, isn't that crazy?

Well, "help" is a strong word. How does this help people, like, with cancer or in Darfur? Well, I mean, it's not really for them. It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, yeah? That's nothing. Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad.

Doggone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (YOUR LOVE HAD TAKEN ME THAT HIGH PLAYING)

Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is! Now, Chris, this one's for you. What's the secret to happiness? Money! Very good. Babs, give him a caramel. ahh! Mmm. Oh! Ugh!

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore! I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING)

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello. You and I are going on a date Saturday night. Um... Okay. I'll see you then. Why would she go out with me?

Uh-huh. Let me see that panel. No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't...

I don't know, I guess Taking care of this old woman'll be just like baby-sitting only with bigger diapers. Ah, ha! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet.

Oh, look, Lois, wishbone. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds. (EXCLAIMS) No gravity.

(ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say?

I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it. Okay, okay, I can do this. All right, lay down. It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that. It's like watching someone do algebra. I just have no conception of how it's done. Oh, God! (COUGHING) Okay, you ready?

Here we go! Just do it! Wait.

And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart.

COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined. CLEVE: He's nasty.

Luke! Ben! Hang on, kid. Yoda. Dagobah system. Zima soup. Yoda. Dagobah. Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here!

Are you going to finish your red paste? No. What about your sweet crusty thing? No, you can have it. No more balloon for you. I am sick of you tooling around the village in that thing, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week. But, Father-- Go to your palace! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That was so fun. How do you be paying? Oh, I don't have any money. Can we work it out, maybe some other way? Wait a minute. Something doesn't smell funny here. You're not Arab! You two are coming with me.

I've got my top hat and cane and a pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles You suck! Somebody get a hook! This is worse than Seussical! No! No, wait! wait! I was about to do this thing.

- CHRIS: Dad, Dad, look. She's trying. - PETER: No. No. CHRIS: She gets along with everybody. PETER: She does not get along with everybody. CHRIS: She's kind of hot. PETER: She's office hot. All right?

Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) Are you sure Stewie can find his way out? (WHISPERING) We just got to be patient, Lois. Like waiting on the results of a blood test.

Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook. Hey, everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards. What's up? What's up? Hey, you know what I hate?

Oh, God! Coconut! I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?

So... No, you can't take him.

Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go. (RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations.

Everything looks okay out here Maybe I'll take a walk outside To the D chord

Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming. Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over and killed Mr. Shatner. Don't worry. Once I'm of this body cast, I'll do enough living for me and Bill.

I just told you. I hit and killed a dog with my car. (ALL LAUGHING) What? Brian, it's a dog. That's not a crime. What do you mean? Well, I mean, it's not like you killed a person,

You know, it wouldn't kill you to contribute to the conversation. Dad, tell us about World War I and how America defeated Kaiser Permanente. Lois, when are you going to get that baby baptized? Oh, God, not this again. Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you? Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.

But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words. I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go. Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

Peter's been acting a little different lately. It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. Really? You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughinG. There's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap. That was classic.

Yeah, Joe had all kinds of evidence against you guys. Seems like a huge miscarriage of justice. I thought if you do something wrong, you're supposed to get punished. (CHUCKLES) Oh, Chris, not if you're white. Well, now that I've wrapped things up with you guys, I better wrap things up with my basement family. Well, did you guys learn your lesson about eating uncooked antelope?

He's your replacement. Come on, that's ridiculous. You're getting old, Brian, and they know it. You're no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt. That's what... You're Carol Alt. I'm through listening to you. Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt. MAN: Carol, come in here!

Welcome, Quahog, to the town hall mayoral debate between incumbent Adam West and challenger Lois Griffin. We will now open up the floor to questions from a community at large.

Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots.

What gets wetter as it dries? A towel. Hey, I've been had!

Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie?

Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I.

A beautiful performance from "Brain" Griffin! Go, Brian! All right, Brian. We got it all sewn up.

Wow, These guys sure know how to run a company. Look how happy those morons are. They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes. Good boy, Connor.

Ugh! What the deuce?

I was so consumed by power and money, I became the very thing I set out to destroy. Hooray, I'm mayor again! Don't we need to have a whole new election? There. Now no one will have heard him say that. We all heard him say it.

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d!

All right. Well, I need my other white shirt back anyway. This one's getting kind of smelly. And if I wore another color, I think it would just throw people. You only have two white shirts? Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad.

That was lovely. Adam? "Milk. Butter. Cat food. "Those new potato chips in the snack aisle. "Beer. Deodorant. Garbage bags. Toothpaste."

Yes. I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower when she does that butt floss thing. Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry.

Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.

BRIAN: You really think I should run for mayor? Peter, you've got to stop living in your own stupid world. I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in Jesus. Hey, hey. Heard my name. Wow, Jesus! Oh, you're dead now, Lois. Jesus is gonna kill you. And then we're gonna bury you in the yard next to Kathy Ireland. I mean... I mean, nice weather we're having.

For more on the story, we now go live to Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa. Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia.

Look, I don't really feel comfortable doing this in front of you. Fine. I'll wait outside. Here's a bottle of lotion. Uh, Joe... Right, sorry. Stewie, I need your urine!

Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen? (GIGGLES) Well, Cindy, I guess it's true that big things come in small packages. (ALL LAUGHING)

Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, having a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and crying and late nights with no sleep.

Wow! That thing was on there. How is he, Doc? Is he all right? No, I'm afraid not. (GASPS) But she's gonna be just fine! Oh, my God!

And a one and a two.

(SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING) STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian.

Great. Is there a hole? Yes. What? There is. Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives. The Emperor is coming here? Yeah. He loves this place. I was there when he came up with the idea for the Death Star.

Ah, Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.

Hey, Brian. Where were you last night, buddy? Oh, I was... I was out. I got a little wrecked after dinner, and I didn't want to drive home. Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"? (ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute! How the hell do you guys know about that already? It's all over the Internet. Look!

(EXCLAIMS) (ALL LAUGHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Prepare to be boarded. You'll never take my cargo.

There's something about that date. I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon, I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it?

(TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25.

That is so cool. What is it? FRANZ: It's a puppet. Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop.

"I can't believe it." So? So just Refund this man's money and we'll be on our way. I don't have your money! How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler.

What the hell is this?

Glenn, we are so thrilled for you. Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero. Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys.

Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid. This gives me an idea. She's dead.

Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

I mean, he's got, like, one good song.

Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see?

I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay!

PETER: Stewie! Stewie, how's that oatmeal? Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal? What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper? I'm just trying to eat here. What did you do to your mother's vagina? Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"?

Well Sir, We only air the show. We have nothing to do with it being canceled.

ANNOUNCER: All ticlretedpassengers for Flight 2378 to Reno, Nevada,

MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking.

What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick.

Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir,

Brian, what happened to Peter? He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger. That's not the man I married.

Lois, what are you doing? Neither of us is drunk. HEy, Knock it off! Oh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump! The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey.

Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose. Of course he was. He was the star. No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no...

Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know.

But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime. Trust me, you're banging eight strangers who responded to a flyer, at some point you're gonna look out a window and question every decision you've ever made. Look, I'll demonstrate. You people come here. Okay, Tom, you're over here on all fours. Carter, I need your face right here. Nope, even closer. You're gonna want to feel the heat coming off him.

Look! (SCREAMS) He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice.

Mmm, ooh, That is good.

Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup.

Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television. I'm telling you, it's great, Bill.

(GASPS) That must be Leonardo da Vinci. Stewie, he looks just like you. Da Vinci must be my ancestor. Good Lord! That's who Bertram's here to kill! So that means you're Italian. Of course! My love for SpaghettiOs and smoking on the toilet.

Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah! Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

Peter, I need you to pick up the dry cleaning. Here's the ticket. It's the Chinese one over on Elm. All right. Well, I need my other white shirt back anyway. This one's getting kind of smelly. And if I wore another color, I think it would just throw people. You only have two white shirts? Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house.

Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try. Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball. God, he's like a totally different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu.

Mind-boggling, Chris. Barreling around the Earth at 5 miles per second, watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe.

You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and... It seems to work out for them. So... Hintedy-hint-hint. Boy, this is gonna be long. So, you kids develop any good pot connections at your school yet? What?

Am I allowed to alter the mustache? Dude, why do you keep trying to make Hitler work? Am I allowed to kill other hobos to increase my odds? Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo. Am I a walking hobo? No. Quagmire and Cleveland are, but you're not. So, wait, I would also be a paralyzed Hitler? Yeah. Would I be a black Hitler? Yes. No. Well, wait a minute,

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Our top story, methamphetamine is flooding into Quahog in epidemic amounts, and is believed to be originating from the nearby rural community of Farmton. Farmton, that's the name of the place we live. I forgot to mention that earlier. For more on the story, we now go live to Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa. Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia.

Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery. Thanks a lot, Dallas. Looks like we've all got something new to be afraid of.

Here it is, gang. Seared ahi tostadas, grilled asparagus, couscous, and for dessert, molten chocolate lava cake.

Oh, Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these. The crowd is storming the field! This is Pandemonium!

aw, That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in. Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines! Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he?

The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Hello, family. Peter, what the hell were you doing out there? You know, for years I've been sick of taking the roads home, so today I took the yards. Didn't hit one light. Man, getting rid of the government has been the best thing to happen around here in a long time. That's right. Without government,

Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!

Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth?

You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke. No, I didn't. And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk? Just stay away from my booze! It wasn't me, Brian. Well, if it wasn't you, who was it? I mean, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around here lately. Just yesterday, somebody gave Peter a "hot-butt." La, la, la, la, la.

Oh! What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.

Those people are nothing but vile, cheating, lying scum. And their carpet and drape scheme... Ugh! No! No, I won't! Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love? Mmm?

Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group. Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian?

Flannigan? Wait a minute. That's one of the corrupt cops who helped harbor Briggs while he was on the lam for 15 years. These guys are bad news. Oh, my God. What are they going to do to us?

Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ! Excellent, excellent!

Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.

What do you want, homo? Listen, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Hey, Brian... Ah, sweet! Morning drinking! Yeah! Party! Peter, I'm not getting drunk for fun. I'm drinking because I'm sad. Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman.

What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. you know, I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money. How can you "half expect" something?

(LAUGHING) My God, you're so weird! All right, I'll make you a clone, buddy.

(CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

"Much Ado About Humping." Well, sounds sexy.

Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right. I'll go have a talk with him.

What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved. No. That's just our women. Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips with jam booties!

I'm gonna put a stop to this. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? PETER: Hello, yes. This is Tom Tucker's personal physician, Dr. T and the Women. Could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready? Is this Peter? No, it's Lois.

(BOTH GASPING) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android!

(GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

That doesn't even make any sense! (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh. Hi, Consuela.

Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news. No, Brian. The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment. I like her. Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) And this is April's Child of the Month,

Hey, Mort. Oh, God! Don't hurt me! Oh, Hi, Peter. Hey, you gonna be a jouster, too?

That's right, Joyce. And just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.

We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat!

We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Even you're doing better than Brian. Hey, everybody, Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg.

Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass! Ew! Hey, Brian. You want some Stewie jerky?

You have your own gravitational pull. Oh, that's a bunch of crap. MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing. Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat. Okay, hang on. See this? Yeah. You know what it is? Duh, it's an apple. Good, good, good. All right, watch this. What the... What is this? Is this some kind of gag?

What do you want, Griffin? Angela, look out your window. You see that Anheuser-Busch billboard next to the children's hospital? Well, watch this.

I hear an oracle from Greece is sending a funny message and I want to be there when it arrives. (PANTING)

Man, high school is rough. This year it's sneakers. Last year it was all about being overweight and wearing a baseball cap. Hey, guys, sure hope we win the big game on Saturday. - Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! Of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

Any moment now, the Earth will be sucked into the gaping maw of the black hole. We here at Channel Five would like to leave you with some highlights of mankind's brief existence, like the Battle of Hastings. Guys, if we win this, we get Hastings.

(LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS) Well, here we are. Okay, guys, squeeze in. Bible photographer.

I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk! (HUMMING STAR WARS THEME)

Why would you do that? 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. Hey there, Peter! How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? Sure! Okay, then let's... Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet.

Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!" Play or pass? We're gonna play. Oh, this must be your lovely wife.

Luke. Turn the ship around. I know where Luke is. What, are you out of your mind? What about those fighters? I said turn us around! Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is Turn it upside down

Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do? - Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone. - What?

(DR. HARTMAN GROANS) Dr. Hartman?

PETER: We'd been captured, tied up, and kidnapped. And as if that weren't bad enough, we found ourselves on a plane, headed to an unknown destination. Where the hell are they taking us? I don't know, but I got a bad feeling. (BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it.

PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11.

(SINGING) (COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING)

You mean Mamie? Yeah. What if Mamie got cancer? Mamie's not getting cancer! Or how about one of us? What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing. All right, pumpkin. I'll do it.

You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that? Well, you said I was stronger than you. And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going.

Thanks. Oh, You remember my wife, Courtney Love? Who? Well, I guess I'll give it a little more time. It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey." That's the spirit!

Ahh! Whoa! Ugh!

Oh, my God! Yeah, but don't worry. It ain't your brother. He's still locked up in that asylum. Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit. Hello, Lois. (GASPS) Patrick!

Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat!

Loretta, what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you.

I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet? You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass?

Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg? I certainly would. There, Meg, everything's fine. It's not Michael I'm upset about! Well, what is it, then? I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her.

August 15th! You betcha! Now, I have to leave enough time... Talking to yourself? (EXCLAIMS) Brian! Hello! Stewie, I know you've been going back in time to embarrass me. (STAMMERING) Oh, what... Come on! Oh, okay, then where are you going now?

But I remember it so-- It was a dream! Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip? Sure, sweetheart. Meg, you have a wart! Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house? It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend. See, it was lunchtime...

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS.

(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

"'Jerry, pull the high end out, "'I'm getting some hiss back here.'" Say something about my mother! Oh, Yes. I'm sorry. Um, Ah... I never knew Biscuit as a dog. But I did know her as a table. She was sturdy. All 4 legs the same length-- thanks. Thanks. That's enough.

Wait, hold it. Can we finish this after Joan ofArcadia? ls Joan ofArcadia on? All right. Must be good. Enjoyable program.

(EXCLAIMS) That is so nice of you. Yeah, let's put it on ice. You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house.

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine.

Could there be anyone stupider than me? - Madonna? - Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid. That's something we can all agree on, right? - Absolutely, yeah. Francis? - Oh, major idiot. Major idiot. Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!

- Oh! You know what? You know what? - What? I'm having some trouble getting up. Would you mind calling my nurse?

Sodomy Sodomy. And when he woke up in the morning, she was still in his bed! (SCREAMS) - That's it? - Yeah. And then she wanted to make him eggs!

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah!

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD) Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

You know, Peter, I actually had a good time with you tonight. And I just want to say... Well, I'm glad you married my daughter. Oh, Thank you, Jesus. Oh, Actually, it wasn't me. It was-- No, no. It's ok. I'm used to it. Having fun, Peter? Aw, You bet.

We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke!

and I'll be on my way. (CLATTERS) Well, we're all set. Thanks for your time. No, thank you, pal. And hey, you've been working hard. Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

Excuse me, how much is this coat? It's 4,300.

Well, it's worth a try. Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball.

(SIGHING) Look at him go.

Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh?

Jabba! This is your last chance! Free us or die! (ALL LAUGHING) (SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, come on, it's time to wake up. You got to get to work. (DEEP VOICE) Ah, Lois, I ain't feeling good.

(LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there.

you'll know. I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland. I think you created a monster. Well, there's only one thing to do, Lois.

I will take Drakkar Noir. (WARBLES)

Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg.

I got to take that. All right, so as you know, by this point in the story, Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food. - Well, guess what's for dinner! - No way. Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case.

Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home.

Stewie, there you are. Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here. No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started! No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses. Look, there's my face.

Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything! (BOTH GIGGLING) Peter, have you seen this tuition bill? Morningwood Academy is charging us $30,000. Well, looks like we're all gonna have to take second jobs.

MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking.

And what's that little rubber mailman you got behind there? Oh, you like that, huh? Yeah, does that thing squeak?

Hey, Brian. You want some Stewie jerky? Oh, God, that is disgusting. I'm finally starting to peel. I'm telling you, Brian, my tanning days are over. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage to my skin. I wouldn't be so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before. What the devil! Where did that come from? Brian, what is that?

CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time. No!

Excuse me, Principal Shepherd, there's something I'd like to discuss. The school has gone too far with these budget cuts. I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but the "No Child Left Behind" law cost us our federal funding because our students' test scores were too low.

Oh, Stewie. Yeah. Look at the mess you made. Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I? Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it. Go. Well, I guess it's not that big a deal. Accidents happen. Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril?

Dad, stop. Leave him alone. Father, what are you doing? I am going to kill that man. That man is my girlfriend Meg. (PETER CHUCKLES) This is against everything our people stand for. Will you listen to me for one moment? You were so worried about these outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me.

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

You're not going anywhere.

My God, you know what this means? You're all accessories to my escape. She's right. We're fugitives from the law.

Shh-shh-shh. The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah! Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

We'll have more on these new developments after this. I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is.

No, no, I am. I swear to God. All right, fine. If you're really gay and you want that divorce, all you got to do is one thing. Anything, Charmese. Name it. Prove it. Let me watch you have sex with a man. (STAMMERS) What? You heard me. I want to see you get it on with a guy.

I think They had a meeting about it last night. Why wasn't I told? Well, They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so y-you didn't, uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid. You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?

Wow, does this mean I'll see you naked? Yeah. Oh, boy, I can't wait. I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste?

Our stupid neighbor's dog barks 24/7.

And now, the embryos will be inserted. The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

He helped me get an A in algebra! How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra? (CRYING) Because he asked! That's right, Dad. You never ask. And even if you did, you never listen! And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares?

It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses. All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one!

Oh, for God's sake, Peter, didn't you learn anything from this?

Ok, that's much clearer.

I love you, Dad. I know you do, Son.

Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.

Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace.

This sucks, Mom. Meg, stop moping. These are the best years of your life. Now, let's get up there and live a little, huh? Mom, I look like an idiot! No, you don't. Come on. Just move your hips a little like this.

How dare you? How dare you? How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

Oh, Of course. How could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front. Well, That's more like it! And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing? This is Lois, Peter's wife. How can I even think about trying anything? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian.

Religion! You kill me, I kill you, we both go to Heaven! Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil." "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile."

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was a big joke.

So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out...

In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created. Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm.

Olive juice. Olive juice? Olive juice you, too.

How do I know if I'm Jewish? - Are you Jewish? - No. - There you go, sport. - Thank you.

I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II. (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS) I wonder... Ah-ha!

I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny.

My God, I haven't been this exhilarated since Brian took me to see Les Miserables.

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force. But if you want to become a Jedi, first I gotta ask you something. Did you see Van Wilder? Yeah, I saw it on Comedy Central. No! No, no, no, no, no! We got a lot of training to do. I'm asking, did you see the DVD frat house edition with all the uncensored footage and the interview with Ryan Reynolds?

No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No!

I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep! This doesn't involve you, LOIS! I don't want to have to come in there. I don't want to have to come in there!

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet!" (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) It's him!

I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!

Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh? Yeah. hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

No, all of my songs were written by other people. As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters. Oh. So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...

Hey, Stewie. How's the weather up there? Very fair. Like our prices. Hey, dude. You want some of these? I say, here's the solution to my troubles. If I could build a device to harness the size of that leviathan, there's no limit to what I...

Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine. All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C.

so I hired a math tutor and a driver's ed guy. Okay, so, do you use my car, or do you have, like, a special one you brought? Umm, I'm the math tutor. Really? No way! So that means you're the... Driver's ed instructor, yes. Well, I'll be a son of a gun! (CHUCKLES) All right, time to learn math from a black guy, I guess!

But, uh, would I do it all again? We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. We now go live to the Rhode island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa is standing by. Trisha?

Hey, where's the captain? I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning. Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the sunshine? Are you ready for... (ALL CHEERING) You dirty...

You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances! I've seen enough. How Inappropriate. I haven't had sex in 4 years.

"Kick some ice." Entrapment. "The trap is set." RV. "On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream." Philadelphia. "Poop chute lawsuit." I don't remember that one. That one doesn't sound real.

Hi, gorgeous man. Oh, you. Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend. What.... You.... Girlfriend? What kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?

And now I'm choosing to end this conversation. No wonder your husband didn't respect women. Excuse me? I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn't make them good. I was tryin' to make art. Oh, Art-schmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they'll produce Shakespeare. Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"?

MALE ANNOUNCER: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than 100 grams of sodium? Uh, uh, uh. Keep going. Not that one. Uh, uh, uh. Not that one either. Uh, uh, uh. Nope, not that one. Look, this isn't even for me. It's for my homosexual lover. MALE ANNOUNCER: Uh, uh, uh. The Bible's pretty clear about that.

When the time comes, you'll know. Damn it!

All right, listen. It turns out Anakin Skywalker's son is still alive. I'm gonna need you to find him and turn him. Really? Maybe I can make him go bi, but all the way is gonna be tough. No, I mean, turn him to the dark side. Well, yeah, I thought that's what you... - Oh, of the Force. - Yes.

This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay!

Get out there and tell those people the truth. Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste!

Forget it. Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pabulum for children with not enough to do. Hey! Shut up! Wakey-wakey, children. Good morning, Mother Maggie. The sun has risen on another day in Jolly Farm.

"Here I go." (HUMMING) What? Why, Rupert? Why do you want to play in the basement? "I don't know, I just feel like there might be some fun stuff down there." I'm not following your logic. And why are you talking different than usual? "Here I go."

Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy," like a Fenway frank. Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore. In a public restroom, lad? For the good of your soul, show some restraint. Hey, Hey, hot-dog guy! I'll get him. Oh, no, Dad, they bring them to you.

Yes, I'd like to return this printer.

Wow, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by. You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

Whoa! Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did.

Sorry. I just farted.

Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed That with the sun's love In the spring

(THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh! There's your thunder. Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her!

(GROANING IN AGONY) Hey, hey, hey, there, champ! Aw, look at him, Lois. Relaxing after his big victory. Peter, he's not relaxing. He's in a great deal of pain. Damn it, don't you see what you did to him? I told you not to take him to that eating competition, and you deliberately defied me!

I gotta tell you, not being able to pay my child's hospital bills somehow makes me feel like less of a man. Oh, honey, that's silly. I'm gonna show you what a man you really are. Now, let's go put your penis on.

I'm gonna be bringing a Puerto Rican girl over here later. And she's super hot and real nice, but when she was five years old, her dad ran over one of her legs with his van, and it's still kind of messed up in a pretty obvious, instantly visible way.

Holy crap, a card with my name on it! I am now Peter Griffin, certified C.P.R. Come on, Lois! I've got lives to save. Thanks. Be safe. Oh, Nobody had any of the coffee. Only a couple of Oreos gone. I'm gonna take the rest home to the cats.

Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple! Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic? Ok, Joe, you got me. Rise and shine. Come on. Stand and deliver. Get the hell up.

But you know you shouldn't think that way because of the sexual-harassment meeting You all had to go to Seriously, how lame was that? And you couldn't help but notice that the female lawyer Running the seminar had a huge rack Like, ridiculously huge for someone

I thought you said we was going to see Hairspray. Bitch, I thought I said just shut up and be looking fine.

But we had a date. I would eat your poo. RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it.

Would you like to hear it? No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar. Wait a minute! I love schnitzel! Come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen. I'll change in the car. If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive,

It's the very reason I left Iraq. It sucks how early I have to work. (SIGHS) Well, Kevin, I still can't say that I agree with your choice.

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore!

I don't care what you do now. MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Mike and Molly. Have you decided what you'd like to order? Yes, the chopped salad? I'll have everything except that. (CANNED LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) That waiter's like, "What?" Well, you did it, Peter. You got TV back to normal.

Hey, Meg. Hi, Connie. I can't fit all my books in my locker. Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? (LAUGHING) Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father. Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there?

Emperor! Great to see you! Hey, this is Jeremy. He's from... You know, he's from the program, and he wants to meet you. Well, hey, Jeremy! How do you like the Death Star so far? Good. Awesome!

I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person. And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. That's wonderful, Jenny. All right, Peter, do you have a story that you'd like to share? Oh, yeah, I got one.

(SCREAMING) (CHOKING)

Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. Eh.

All right, class, today's final exam will consist of two parts, oral and anal. Dad, we got to go back to school, real school.

PETER: Surely, Jerome, you don't want to stay in the same house as a ghost who carries a torch around? (IMITATING A GHOST) Fire ghost! You scared yet? Didn't know this place was haunted, did you? Peter, take that thing off! Hey, what the hell's going on? I'll tell you what's going on! I have had about enough of you, Jerome! I know you want my wife, but you can't have her!

Hey, Peter, you can't drink that outside. Y-You could end up in jail. And Not the good jail like on Cinemax. The "man" jail. Go back and pay the bill, Peter. You, uh, don't want to break the law.

I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Yeah! Rumsfeld!

No, no! That's not what Mrs. Garrett's bosom looked like. It looked more like this. Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital. I just feel awful about this, Mayor West. Yeah. Me, too. Stewie, fluff his pillows.

Butter Rum's my favorite. Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA? I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it.

I'm here at the parking lot outside city hall, where hundreds of citizens have come out in protest of the Mayor's decision to spend the town's treasury on a gold frog. I don't like it. And I don't like the contraction apostrophe-E-M. As far as I'm concerned, his name is Dig Them.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey.

You have to be Death!

You sure this is the right way? Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star. Are you sure that's a star? We've had this conversation! Yes, it's a star! It's got flashing red lights! Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

Hey, where've I had another date.? You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer.

In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks. Oh, I beg to differ.

Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States. Well, this day has taken a bad turn, like Mike Brady's first marriage. Here's your beer, honey. I don't remember asking for a warm beer.

Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings

Oh, come on, not this thing! Really? Brian, it's me, Stewie. Shoot him! No! Brian, you know me. Look at me. Shoot him. All right, there's only one way to settle this. Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet.

Ooh, That's too bad. Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. They're coming over later and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong. Oh, man! And his arms stretch out to next week!

(EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?

COMMENTATOR: And now back to The Kids' Choice Awards... with host Paula Poundstone. f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go! STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry!

Murphy, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, Tipper Gore.

So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq?

Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.

Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts?

Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam. Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

Don't forget this! Maybe you could hang it in your officE. Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it. Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000 for what you have in the back there.

You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under till the bubbles stopped! Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"? Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice.

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff.

You know, like an Italian choosing to get glasses. Okay, read the third row down, please. (READING)

All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.

To answer your question, something like that.

Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting.

Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution. Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew? He is? No, but doesn't that sound like something that could be true? Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper!

Because he was quartered on the port side. (CHUCKLES) Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of The D'Oyly Carte Opera Company. (SIGHS)

What the... What is this? Is this some kind of gag?

One, two, three, ho! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed No, you don't need meth and you don't need speed

The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. But there's a way for us to help him. If all of us, everywhere, can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice,

Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo!

Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. Oh! Yeah. No, you're right. You should probably take care of that. I'll be here.

What do we do now? What the hell do we do now? We pray. Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no.

I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine. Oh, okay, good. Make fun of his wheelchair.

Look what I did, everybody.

Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses.

Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V. if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm.

If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie. Aw! I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING)

Sure. All the guys here have been castrated.

Hi, Brian. I'm Count Crotchula, the bulging vampire.

Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it! The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.

Because I just don't think it's safe. Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok! Are you happy? I've never been happy.

We've got a long road ahead. But, uh... Hey, I've worked miracles befoRE. And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei!

Two smoking-hot chicks repeatedly striking each other. Yeah, it reminds me of Thanksgiving. Why does it remind you of Thanksgiving? Because this is where I come for Thanksgiving. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? We've reached that part of the evening when our house champion takes on all challengers. Any of you lovely ladies like to try your hand in the ring? Hey, Lois, what do you think?

(MONKEYS SCREECHING) (LION ROARING) (TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef.

Sorry, Chris. I'm gonna go with him.

(NATIVES YELLING) (GUN SHOTS) (WOMAN SHRIEKS)

Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there. Yes, that's right, cry. Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens. Nobody move! Nobody move! Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

Oh, Please, Peter, do the right thing.

Also, I've been under the weather lately, so it may not be my best work. "Shape up or show me your balls." (CHUCKLES) That's good.

Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.

One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--

Oh, boy, this is really awkward.

I hope everything's all right. My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this. Gentlemen, I give you the new Joe Swanson. (ALL GASPING) - Well, what do you think? Wow!

Oh, my God! No, no, it's quite all right. Because I vowed to myself that I would spend the last night of my life in the company of the most beautiful woman in the world. And that's just what I have done. Oh, Reginald. No, no, no. This is already a perfect end to a perfect evening. Good night, my dear.

I'm nine years old and I'm Indian. (GROANS) All right, Peter, if you spell your next word correctly, you win the competition. Your word is "lesbians." Can you use it in a sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids.

Vader's on that ship. Don't get jittery, Luke. There's a lot of command ships.

Daddy, you're making a fool out of yourself. Why are you acting like this? Look, I've been trying to get into Reginald Barrington's inner circle for years. They've been the most elite family in this country ever since it was founded. They were the ones who invented the buckle on the hat.

No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie. You know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you.

No. No. I no can clean. Shit. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed.

You mean I'm gonna get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner...

But you should have some before the other kids get to it. What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss.

Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! Ok. Um, This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. W-What's new, Ed? WEll, Stewie, tonight We have a really big show. Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides.

you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean-- shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you. Gee! Y-You really think so? Absolutely. You got any SPF-50?

Hey, there you are. Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden? Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes. Nazi stuff? Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.

That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested. Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter.

Ah, Very good, sir. You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right. My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don't work out. I'm going home. Where's Brian? Listen, I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL. Can you help me out?

No! Jungle gym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there. Yes, that's right, cry.

Let me out of here! I can't watch another second! Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this so you can get some exercise. Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids.

and right now, here's some Marvin Gaye. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, this is long overdue. There's nothing like a good suit massage. Focus on the lapels, that's where I carry most of my stress.

You know you love it. I just have one small change. Oh? Could Poopy Face Tomato Nose's nose be a plum?

Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Holy crap! Oh, My God!

He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago. What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! (GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie! Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and...

And take your whore daughter with you!

Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian?

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches.

MAN: Sorry. PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy! (WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs. Oh, good, a baby. Oh, no, it's a girl.

Let's go upstairs and do it. Okay! Brian, going back in time ruined my life. We've got to get Death to send us back to 1984 again, so I can undo what I did. Or we could just make the best of this. Al Gore is President.

It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy. Well, the pocket-dial giveth, and the pocket-dial taketh away. You'll never take me alive! - Aren't you gonna run? - I would, but I don't want my gym teacher to laugh at me.

Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll!

When the time comes, you'll know. Damn it!

What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called nunya business. Hi, Meg. Can I help you?

Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you. Here you go. Meet your new friends.

Of course, I could. But it's funnier to me if I don't. In about an hour, I'm gonna piss away 20 grand.

Oh, that was good. That was even funnier than the one where Anus got the hamster stuck in his mouth.

MEG: What? Yep, all you gotta do is sign this contract. Are you out of your mind? You can't sell me, you fat son ofa bitch! Whoa! Careful getting this fish off the hook, Mort. She's got some fangs.

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter.

Oh, my God! A genie! I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat! I want them to have new hats! Kids, these are your father's wishes. Go ahead. Get whatever you want. That's easy. I wish I could see what Kelly Ripa was like off the set.

Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under till the bubbles stopped! Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"?

And I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth. Well, I am smart and ambitious! Seriously. No, no. I'm clean.

I can already tell this is not gonna be fun.

No. Ok, Now I'm at the office. Score's tied. Next basket wins. Chris, You might finally beat your old man. What are you talking about, "old man"? I'm the white Larry Bird. WhaT do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out.

Oh, God. What have I done?

- Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck! Hey, everybody. I'm home from work. My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office? Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit. Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing. Oh, boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap.

like the law says you should. Ooh! It's on now! Wait a second! What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along! I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight. Peter! What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. It's like taking a watch off a dead guy. Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe.

Oh, we are fucked. Come on, Jerome! Get a hit so I can bring a sports trophy home for my parents! Jeffrey Lipsitz has two soccer medals! I can't play soccer, I have newborn-calf ankles! You know this, damn it!

That was a delicious dinner, Glenn. I didn't know you could cook. Well, when a fella's been alone as long as I have, he learns to take care of himself. Well, you're a very sweet friend, and you're so good to listen to my troubles. I could listen for hours, Lois. Whoo! Boy, I don't know how a half a glass of wine got me so lightheaded.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny. This is ridiculous. Evil Stewie could be anywhere. You know, this really is all your fault.

(FARTS) (ALL GASPING) Well, there goes my music career. I wonder if I can get my old job back painting kids' faces at birthday parties. There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat.

Me too. I'm... I'm a homo.

All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys. There, look, they have Chunky bars. What a God-awful mess those things are. Chocolate with raisins in it. Yeah. Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate, fruit. Why don't you put sunflower seeds in the Ding Dongs while you're at it?

Peter, I want you to promise me you'll never do anything that stupid again. Lois, after what you did for Joe, I'll promise you anything. How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand?

It was the greatest day of my life, and I owe it all to alcohol. Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power.

Not me. I was dating Lois the whole time. I never got to be wild. Except for that time I rode the mechanical bull at that bar. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, my God, how embarrassing! Look how much fun I am!

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

Baby, you take me in your arms Aw! Isn't that cute? My little Stewie likes Anne Murray. She sounds like an angel. It's like her voice is putting my entire body in her mouth.

A lot. A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS!

And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe. Whoa, Whoa. Wait a second. Not so fast. Tell me of your history, of your past. Oh, I come from a long line of, um, you people. My great-grandfather's name was--was Jeep Grand Cherokee. Uh, I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker.

My turn! My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha! Mom, What are you doing?

Follow me. Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet, and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain-dead, it'll come rushing out to change the channel. And when he does, I'll grab his hand and yank him out of there. Peter, I don't think... Shh. It's starting.

That's comedy. (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? That's not funny. Oh, well, interesting opinion, Lois. Gee, I wonder if there's anyone else at this table who's maybe more qualified to say what's funny than you are. Well, we'd need to see a little bit more, but... (LAUGHING) Is that the time? I can't believe that's the time. It's late. What? I don't understand. You're not wearing a watch.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed!

Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing? Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.

Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day. First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual.

We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about?

That rat-faced cracker!

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again.

Bless us, O Lord, for these gifts we are about to receive. Help us to be mindful of all our blessings, and... (MUNCHING)

Oh, I got to take a leak. There we go. Oh, pee time. Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives? If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dirE. Go on. That's it. What the hell do you see in him?

I love you, Rupert. Don't you ever leave me again. (SIGHING) (BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Can we pet him? No, no. No, no, No. no, just--Just watch. Peter! Peter! there's--There's so much doody in here. I ca-- I can't take it anymore.

Don't worry, Rupert. I know how to get him out of his funk. Poor bastard's more upset than I was when I read Curious George Goes to His Gym Coach's Apartment.

Oh, man, what an attractive woman. (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hey, Brady, you're dead! Listen, Leno, you keep calling here and threatening me, - I'm gonna notify the police. - Leno? No, no, this is Peter Griffin. I'm calling to challenge you to a grudge match between the Patriots and the London Silly Nannies.

Quagmire, you feeling okay? I don't know. I think I might have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned my daughter.

The Fed is gonna be lowering rates, get your money out of T-bills and put it all into...waffles! Tasty waffles with lots of syrup! Waffles! Buy waffles! Waffles! WAffles!

Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

All right, take it easy.

Well, Peter, I'm glad you're all right, but I hope this is the end of your skydiving career. Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois. You know, when I thought I was gonna die, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and we did way too much Star Wars crap. I should get the kids home. It's way past dinner.

I found it! I found the last scroll! He found it! Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!

What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder. Why don't you and that book get a room? Did you hear what I said, Brian? I said, I said, "Why don't you and that..." "That book get a room." Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure you heard. Hey, guys. Tell me if this letter sounds all right. "Dear Reek Publishing,

You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room! Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?

Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.

Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern. I don't really have to worry about her anymore. Oh, do you have one of those white-wine zombie moms? No, she died. She was taking a tub and somebody came in and cut her head off. Wait a moment. Did... Did you kill her? Well, I held the knife.

So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail?

(SCREAMING) (PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Hello? Hey, Big Fat Paulie! No, Lois isn't dead yet. What do you mean, you're gonna fire that hitman? What do you mean, you thought she'd be 6-feet under by now and we'd be able to catch a movie? What d'ya--

Listen, buddy-- I said get lost! Where's he going? Dad! Let him go, kids. You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE!

You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys.

Wait a minute. That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun. He's gonna shoot the President. Holy smokes, I've got to do something. All right, Lee. Time to become an American hero.

(MEN LAUGHING) Okay. Okay, guys. here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing. I find her insufferable. French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright. Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is.

Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

What the hell are you doing? Taking down the Christmas decorations.

Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli.

How kind of you all to come. Oh! Magnificent! I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie?

but there are a lot of people ahead of him. Well, what are the chances of getting him moved up the list? Honestly, not great. It could be months before he can get a transplant. Unless you know someone who's a compatible organ match and would be willing to donate one of theirs. I'll do it. He could have one of my kidneys. Well, we always check spouse records for compatibility. I'm afraid you're not a match.

Yeah. Say that after a fortnight in town, bitch.

(EERILY) Peeper...

Do you like yours with crust or without? How do you like yours? Ok, Let's both answer at the same time. 1, 2, 3. Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff? Sure. Lois, I'm gonna borrow your Mace. Ah! That's better.

Ok, and one, and 2, and 3...

CHRIS: (WHISPERING) Okay, first of all, stop calling her my partner. PETER: She's terrible. She's terrible. I know that. But then you know what? It's not fair. CHRIS: What? PETER: It's not fair to her. Well, that's sort of a cop out. PETER: Having her here is not fair to her. CHRIS: Dad, if you want to fire her, you go ahead and fire her. But don't pretend you're doing it for her benefit. Don't put that on me. She's firing herself. CHRIS: It's on you. No, she can't fire herself. PETER: She's firing herself with her lack of talent and her lack of funniness.

I can't believe we're actually gonna do this. Yeah. You go in first, and I'll go in a minute. PETER: Oh, wow! Oh, my God!

Cut green beans. Atkins-friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest, and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out. Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail.

Come on, guy. Damn it! This is worse than being Kevin Federline's magic mirror.

Oh, I get it. That-- That's kind of funny. Yeah. Can I have a copy of Jugs?

Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

Maybe we should go inside. Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO. You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?

Mmm, Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say? Well, Aren't I the wicked one? Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting. Oh, And I suppose the bilious curds you force-fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then?

Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.

I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?

on which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy

None of this makes any sense. Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source, for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case. Now we're here, where the hell's our host? Well, at least you all had eveningwear provided for you. I thought this was going to be a lawn party. I don't have one pair of long pants.

Okay, can I see your ID? I don't have one.

Hello, Santa. Now, we've got a slight problem here, because I have been rather naughty. But you're a businessman, I'm a businessman. I'm sure we can work something out. Wait, what are you doing? Santa?

Well, it couldn't have been that bad. Oh, it was terrible. Everyone else there had some big, important job and was way more successful than me.

Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first? Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade oh, You're one to talk.

"Pussywillows." My dad worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years. Tomorrow night they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him.

One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys? And a little thing that says, "I support the troops." 'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys. But I don't have any change on me right now. Well, all that matters is that my boy is home. Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie.

I guess that means I'll never get to see an episode of Superman where Clark Kent and Lois Lane finally get together. Lois, I love you, and I want there to be no more secrets between us. I am Superman. Oh, my God. The only thing that can kill me is kryptonite. Or latex. Or lambskin. What about polyurethane? All that. All that stuff.

All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this.

Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Peter, dinner! No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie.

So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass! Okay, come on now. Something serious. MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to... Okay, I heard "pharmacy."

I'm gonna be 17, you jerks. She's the jerk.

What the hell is going on out there?

(MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM.

No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it. Ahh! Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake.

Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding.

Ugh, Peter, stop. Try to stay focused. Ok. You're on. Wait, here's a little something for good luck. Make sure your trills are clean and watch the legato in the 4th measure. Go!

More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of MaSH. When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh? Am I right? Who's with me? Huh? This year we will defeat those Pranksters with our secret weapon...

Oh! That's right. Get it nice and clean. The place is packed. How are we gonna figure out who has your credit card? I got it, Brian. Smell my ass. What? Smell my ass. It's where I keep my wallet.

You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth, we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys! Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

and now I'm the one in charge. Hang on a second. (SHARPENER WHIRRING) Clean that up.

Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)

Stop! All wrong! All wrong!

Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances! I've seen enough. How Inappropriate. I haven't had sex in 4 years. Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly- line worker, but you'll be happy to know, our company does not pay him to think.

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away,

Let's go to the hospital.

Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING) LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around?

This one particular tribe has lost their way. But most Native Americans are proud, hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages. That's funny, Mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. Just kidding.

All right, I'm gonna have to do the Vulcan V-Meld.

Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution. Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew? He is? No, but doesn't that sound like something that could be true? Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper!

Yeah, Hi. Uh, This is the F.B.I. calling from your house. Oh, God! Oh, hi. How is everything? good, Good. Real good. Real good. Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What?

Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic.

Well, Actually I didn't really, not at first. But anyone who could take The King and I and turn it into that is... well, he's gotta be creative. Hmm. Yeah, Lois, uh, sorry I took your show away from you, but I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure you get your chance next year.

MAN ON TV: And now back to G.I. Jose. Hey, guys, let's go swim in the old quarry. ALL: Yeah! Wait a minute, kids. Don't go swimming in that quarry. It's dangerous! ALL: Wow! Thanks, G.I. Jose.

Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there's a Chinese among us. Rest assured, he will be found. Security is launching a full-scale investigation into the genealogy records of every single one of our employees. This man will be found, and there will be dire consequences. Too bad about that Chinese guy, huh?

With Stewart out of the picture, this whole playground is under my control. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS)

Kill 'em. No, no, No. It's true. You see, that remote control cow was for my son, and... And those barrettes were for my daughter. And, uh... Hey, where's my V.C.R.? Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box! It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony."

(SCREAMING) Meg? Meg?

Look, there's Central Park! There's the Empire State Building! There's a hot-dog cart! Chris, don't spoil your appetite. New York has some of the best restaurants in the world.

I don't want them. Take them. Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those? - No. - Oh, God. (RETCHING) (GROANING)

Okay, that was good. That was good. Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take. There's no sign of them anywhere.

Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.

Mmm, That was nice. That was nice. I--I had a really great time with you today, beautiful stranger. What's your sign? Ugh! Gross. I still think you're neat though.

PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

My mother? Oh, no. That's... That's impossible.

What? That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo! hold onto your sides. Nice to meet you both. Murderer! Stop it, both of you!

says the funniest person in the room. Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out. Really? I thought he hated you. How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card. He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend. But instead, you're going to show up.

Look at her. She needs me, a lot more than you do. But we were just starting to make a real connection. Listen, I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around, but now, thanks to you, I finally have a chance to transform my mom's life in the same way you transformed mine.

Hi, Chris! Wait a minute. That's the girl? Yeah. Isn't she special? That's the way the state of Rhode Island would put it. There's something up with her, isn't there? Yeah. She's got Down's Syndrome. Oh, okay, well, there we go. She's so sweet.

Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids? Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, 0uagmire

Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there. And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

(FARTING) Hi, Stewie. (FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there.

This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day. So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it. Look, slick, We're not gonna buy your lousy time-share, all right? Now, where's my boat?

Next up is Meg Griffin, sporting her stylishly cool, brand-new-- Oh, Meg! A woman from Child Services came and took Stewie! She said we fed him dog food! Dog food, huh? Meg, Is that a real Prada bag? How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress in one week?

If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much. Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me. You're acting ridiculous!

That's what a gun sounds like. Will you stop that? Hey, can I borrow 50 marks? Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week? Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap. Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that?

Come on. Come on. Go away!

Peter, you sure it's okay to be at the brewery after hours? Relax, Joe, this is where I work. Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.

Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic. You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater? (GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me!

- What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?

Well, here we are. Okay, guys, squeeze in. Bible photographer. Okay, we're smiling, we're happy to see Jesus.

(SAFETY DANCE PLAYING) We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance

now you really are the big man of the house. Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.

What number is he? Welcome. Chris, there are a number of artists here I'd like you to meet. Hey, hey, hey! Let's talk turkey, Monatti. Look, we've been here all day. Chris isn't a famous artist yet! Peter, Creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney?

Neil, I'm sorry!

That's like one of the things I was talking about. I just have to tell you, I loved your book, Mr. Griffin. Thank you so much. You made my day. So, you still in school? Graduating this year.

It's not fair, Lois. If I don't get any airtime, how am I ever gonna get my own spin-off where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar... at the center of the earth? You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. Well, At these prices, I'm not surprised!

like that baseball team that Peter coached. Well, kids, just when I thought we'd never find an assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground. He's got a clown costume in his trunk, so we know he's good with kids, and pictures of boys in their underwear, so he's probably had some medical training. Well, I'm gonna take off while he fits you for cups in that windowless supply shed.

Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination.

Trevor, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. I wasn't too nervous. When I am nervous I work out. I wasn't working out, so I must not have been nervous. I was very pleased and surprised. I really was not expecting an open bar.

He's right. I can do it!

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the--

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I'm afraid so. But let's be honest, Peter. Bonnie and I seem to have grown apart. Boy, I never would have seen this day coming when we first met. Africa by Toto was playing. I hear the drums echoing tonight

and we wanted to invite you over for dinner. Oh, wonderful. And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I could not find the clock. (GROANS) But you got three of them on the wall over there. Yes, those are mine. Oh.

Now, where's Lloyd with our Fun Dip? Good God! Running an empire is harder than finding diversity in the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. STEWIE: Ooh! Ooh! There he is. There he is. Right there. BRIAN: Ah, found him. That was a tricky one. (CHILDREN CHATTERING) GIRL: No kidding. He looks weird.

Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while? Ok, who's hungry? Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us.

Um, nothing much. I was just wondering if you, maybe, wanted to hang out some time? - Sure. - (EXHALES) Wow, cool! - Okay, um, I'll text you? - (BEEPS) (SCREAMS) Yes! I can't believe it! Oh, my God, I'm going out on a date with Kent Lastname.

Oh, this? This is Hartz Mountain Flea Dip. Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY)

Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

Get that... camera outta my facE!

Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. Boner. His name was b-b-Boner.

But I feel like my gazpacho is too thick. Are you kidding? It's refreshing and filling. You know, next time I'd put paprika in the potato salad, and maybe add an extra tomato to thin out the gazpacho, because it's very thick. Who the hell is this bitch?

Oh, shut up, you bastard!

It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow! - Whoa, what was that? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was my father talking. You, uh, gotta work on that, man. Bad dog.

And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay. Boy, I bet Brian would love these pancakes.

That "dump" is our home. Dump? Oh--oh, So now you're too good for us, too? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Chris, not you! Are you so selfish you can't see that? Yes, I am. Peter, your son is using his talents to pursue his dream. I have no son! Except for Stewie. and Meg!

Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar? Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah! Gotcha! To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction.

Ahhh! Get out of here, you little bastard. I knew this was the right thing to do. Hup!

Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape? Should I call the cops? I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags! This means war! Excuse us.

Uh-oh! Your powers are weak, old man. CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time.

See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! He's alive. Jester, I've got to get to him. I'll help you, but only if I can go with you. If I stay here, the king will execute me for telling you all this. He's a real fit head.

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh!

(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.

I feel kind of bad, guys.

Worth it! (GROANING)

Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!

Here are the American spies we captured, Mr. Prime Minister. (GASPING) (SIGHING) (GASPING) (SIGHING)

You think my balls are good? (LAUGHS) You're so weird. It's awesome, though. Oh, I... I don't know. Hey, have you noticed what a jerk the mailman is in this town? Like, he said there is no way Peter Griffin could crush a baby bird with his bare foot while I watched. That guy talks more crap about me...

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Mmm. That was incredible, Kevin. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad? Did I say you could rest yet? I'm Abe Lincoln! I just chopped some wood! Ha, ha, ha! Good for you, son. Hey, Where's Chris? I asked him to fill up the canteens an hour ago. Hey, Dad, look. I covered my back with honey,

Jillian, don't you want your own father to give you away? Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you. Nah! My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead. Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors.

What's that, Dad? (PIGEON COOING) It's my new meth distribution system. I've trained this carrier pigeon to do all my deliveries for me. Fly away, Benjamin! Ah, perfect, perfect. Now this is the money I owe Peter. I want you to take it back to him. Do you understand?

Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

Thank you for a lovely time. Yeah, it's the blue sedan. No tips, sir. Ah, Nice kid. Well, I think I handled that pretty good, but--but I would like a second opinion. Hmm. Here it is. Oh, my God! Our car!

(GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot!

All right, Brian, Peter's coming in. I'll relax him by using my catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING )

I was providing for our family. You were lying.

You're Mel Gibson? Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson! Peter, the toilet paper is made of money. Yeah, and look at this. They even got some of that high-class British porn.

PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

or next to the basic black sweatshirt with no writing on it? No, I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail. Above the set of jacks? Yes, above the jacks and the bicentennial playing cards and across from the giant cage with the beach balls,

Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder.

Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines! Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he? Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me.

Peter, for God's sake!

All right, well, if we just stick together, then... Zap, zap, zap! What the... No way! How'd you learn to do that? The question isn't how I do it. It's how I forgive myself for what I've done. (MUFFLED ZAP) Yeah, winner! Right here! All right, pal, what do I get?

First of all, I just want to tell you what a huge fan I am.

No. He let himself have it. This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once,

Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict! Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.

I'll do enough living for me and Bill. Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill. Haven't you guys learned anything? T.V. took over my life once. I'm never gonna let that happen again. Oh, My God. We've lost him.

Hey, Swanson, the boss is getting impatient. He wants his money. He says after we're done with you, you're gonna be eating... Swanson TV... TV... Wait.

Peter, I'm off to my book club.

Yes, look at me! I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now. don't you? Ok, if you want to be dirty,

And it smells a lot better than I Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree

But, Brian, the Bible says gay marriage is an abomination. Oh, don't give me that Young Republican crap, Chris. The Bible also says a senior citizen built an ark and rounded up two of every animal. Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating.

But, listen, there is something I got to fess up to. While I was living with y'all, I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Cover your heart.

This whacked-out world! It just makes you want to grab your nephew and get in a van and shoot people in the DC area. Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him!

Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

(STAMMERING) What is this? What's going on? Apparently, Chris and Meg are switching places with Peter and Lois for the week. (LAUGHS) Hey, Mom, do you mind if I go shopping with Jennifer after school?

Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you. That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town.

That's a great idea, Brian! Yeah, I love parties. I mean, I had a great time at my baby shower. Well, after opening all these gifts, I could use a little wine right now myself. (LAUGHS) Glug, glug, glug, glug! Can you imagine? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) I'm sorry. My hormones are just crazy right now!

undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know.

Thanks for encouraging us to come to Gay Pride Day, Brian. I think it'll be very educational for the kids. Look, there's two of 'em with a baby! Isn't that hilarious? They think they're its parents. Yeah, this seems like it'll be fun. Real fun, not "Entertain- your-wife's-parents- "while-your-wife- is-at-work" fun.

I love you. What? What did you say? Olive juice. Olive juice? Olive juice you, too. All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial. If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain.

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back.

Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass!

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power! Brooke, what are you doing here?

the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing. Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival.

Ah, you're forgetting I initially encountered Bertram as a sperm in one of the fat man's balls, so he couldn't get rid of the fat man or any recent ancestor on my father's side. Bertram had to go back enough generations to make sure he was snuffing out the ancestral source of my genius without affecting his own. And apparently, it's Leonardo da Vinci.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian,

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) This is an offer you don't want to miss. But don't take my word for it. Hear what '80s mainstay Howard Hesseman has to say about it. I love it. Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed? We don't think so. Order now.

Well, well. Look who it is. Who is it? It's me, Peter. I'm standing right here. This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot. Oh, boy, that whole day was a mess, huh?

Hey, what are you doing? Lois, where is my Red Bull? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you.

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you.

hang On, Hang on, hang on! You overextended the plie! You screwed it all up. Let me show you again. Ok, boys! Let's do it! And one, 2, 3.

Ha! You're mine now, fella! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Dad! Help!

Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair.

She got her arm shot off in VietnaM. Oh. Poor kid. What a senseless war. I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter. Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs?

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine? Well, I suppose it's possible. Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from Little Shop of Horrors. Da-doo I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago.

A dangerously insane human being.

No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice. I'll say.

Wow, Gilbert Gottfried. That's right! Awesome. Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition, Stephanie Griffin. Thank you, thank you. Hey, what's the deal with Chunky bars, huh?

He's getting away! Don't worry. He won't get far. Stop! Police!

Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive! You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it.

Now that you're stinking rich we'll gladly be your bitch My God, this house is freakin' sweeT Welcome That's a wrap, people. Now Let's get the hell out of here.

Very well, my brother.

Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture." I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago.

All right, let's get this meeting underway. For our first order of business, we'll go to Bruce. Oh, hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We've got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gonna have a puppet show, we gonna have some jazz. No, I'm just kidding. We have some business to take care of, though.

Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question. Jets rule! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hey, Watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the T.V., and get me a few beers, huh?

Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did.

These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. (SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer?

And then I'd cut you.

I just can't help but wonder. Will I ever see him again? (EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS)

MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.

Dirty whores, all of you. Hey, Peter. Lois, we got a problem. I think Ryan Reynolds is in love with me. What? Don't be ridiculous. It's true. Last night we were at this restaurant, and he tried to gay kiss me. I'm telling you, he wants to get with me. Peter, come on. Why would any man dress well, groom himself,

Lois Griffin is a slut. What? Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. Someone we can trust. Well, A lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign. But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.

and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha! Mom, What are you doing? I love slumber parties!

Uh, you've reached Stewie and Brian. We're not here right now. Uh, and if this is Mom, uh, send money because we're college students and we need money for books and highlighters, and Ramen Noodles, and condoms for sexual relations with our classmates.

No! Jungle gym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there.

PETER: Brian, look what I found! Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS) Uh-oh. All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out,

Be cool, be quiet, be quiet. All right, well, nothing to worry about. Chris is going to be just fine. Oh, Chris, I'm so glad you're okay. What happened? You had a heart attack, sweetie.

You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant. What? Oh, my God, Meg, why didn't you tell me?

Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home.

Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Peter, stop it. I'm going to sleep.

Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore. Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes. Good morning, everyone.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born.

Luke, help me get this mask off. Let me look on you with my own eyes, father to son. (NECK SNAPS)

Now, before you say anything, one, it has no human emotions, and two, its prime directive is never to harm people. Oh, God, it's harming people! ROBOT: Angry! Angry! Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too! It's using tools! It's learning, Angela! It's learning! Run!

You two meet at a Mensa meeting? No, at a Quiznos. We both ordered the Turkey Ranch and Swiss, no onions.

His lungs are filled with candy! Wow, Why don't you go say hello? I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' loungE. HEy, Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin! Griffin, Griffin. Sorry, not on the list. Aw, Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student.

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.

You have an executive parking space now. But that looks exactly like my old space. Yeah, but this one comes with your own company SUCK-UP. Morning, Mr. griffin. Nice day. Ah, It's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie.

Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years. Oh, three years? You mean like the three years you have left on this planet?

This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body? Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion. Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake.

Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down! I don't think that he's listening to you. Let's get him! ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you. Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse.

She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Oh, my. Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is! It's in a very naughty place. Does that not disgust you? Kid, You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper. Now look here, you loathsome cur!

I need a friend, Brian, like I've never needed a friend before. Damn it. All right, all right, I'll take it out. Oh, God. That smells like the food foreign guys reheat at work. Oh, God. What is that smell? Did somebody light a box of Band-Aids on fire?

Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

Well, what do you think? What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

And when I do I can't help myself I fall in love with you You like that, Stewie? You like Anne Murray's music? I must.

Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one!

Okay. Oh, my God, I was thinking the same thing. We are so "us" right now. Do you know that?

That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight? No. You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) I'll see you at 7:00.

Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand.

Well, hey, Cleveland! What are you doing here? I was wondering if my friends and I could ask you a few questions. Yeah, where'd you hear that dirty joke you told Cleveland? That's none of your business. Leave me alone! Don't let him get away!

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News.

Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today.

You know, this is actually not too bad a piece of work.

That's it, Fishman. Shirts off. I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Pass the salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost-empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. It's all out. There's dressing on that salad. Give me that salad.

Stupid hat. Damn it! I paid 15 cents for this ticket. No, he didn't! Christ, could he be any more annoying?

See? But you, it just can't happen.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.

Loretta likes to personify her menses in humorous ways. Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping? Sorry, bud, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, y-you see where I'm going with this. Oh! I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.

Oh, The Phillies won. You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister. Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What? Another baby? But--But, I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My--My cheeks are pinchable. My bottom is smooth.

He's acting all crazy like Quagmire when he drunk-dials me. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? (SLURRING) Hey, what are you... What are you doing? Quagmire, I'm sleeping. Yeah, I was just out with Joe. What are you doing? I just told you. That's right. I just... I just asked that. I forgot.

I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know?

Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!

You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too. Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? (ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY) Wait! That man's an imposter. I'm the real Kevin Swanson!

Yeah. No thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire. Wonder what the hell happened to them.

All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot?

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

On an airplane? No. This room. What is this room called? - The flight deck? - No. - Control room? - No. Cockpit? Oh, God! I told you I'd get her to say it.

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race

will you take a look in my ass?

and that's why I wound up living in a closet for nine years.

I could just bite him and eat him up. I know, he's perfect. He's like a boy and a girl. I know! Now let's get back to screaming at this child in a way that reminds all men why we can never be President. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)

Brian, right on time. I like that. Come in. So, ready? Ready to shoot your first scene? I sure am. Where's the set? 2nd door on your left. So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?

It's probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes. And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops. Huh? I'm sorry, Joe, it's just an expression. Ah.

Oh, for God's sake. I have a shoe appointment in the morning, and I want to be fresh!

Ugh! Hello This is Tom Tucker... ...'s evil twin, Todd Tucker,

Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING)

I mEan, I know he's an Indian. But what kind of A name is Squanto? I mean, "Leslie" or something like that would be nice.

I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you.

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

Guys, guys, guys, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I think that was me.

Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.

Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen? (TOILET FLUSHING)

You think you could get me a room by the pool? (LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star. (MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in. There it is, 2187. I'm on it! Everything's under control here. Situation normal.

I'm scared, Dad. What's gonna happen to us? Well, he's a Nazi, Chris. If I had to guess, he's going to make us into a lamp shade or a wallet or a bar of soap. I guess that means I'll be Irish Spring. Irish Spring will get you fresh and (WHISTLES) clean as a whistle. See? (SCREAMS) You cut me! Why?

(ALL CHATTERING) Ah! I can't wait to see all my old classmates. This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter? Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow.

All right, drop your pants. Oh, well, this is nothing, just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage.

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...

Okay, well, sperm is alive, and every time you masturbate, millions of them die, so is it wrong to kill sperm? Yes. Yes, it is. From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion.

He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled.

Oh, Joe, thank you so much for inviting us to your barbecue.

which is once again in the triple digits. Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this. Do I know you? I don't think I can do this. You can't back out now. How about a pill?

Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable!

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn? Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons! Well, Lois, you told me to produce, and I did. I got us a story on the 11:00 news. Really? Oh, Peter.

No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama. MALE ANNOUNCER: What happens when a 40-year-old woman asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby?

What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence. Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

I lost all hope. That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq. I just had to wait for my chance. I call the white meat! I call the dark meat! I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No! KEVIN: Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God! Everyone I touch turns into Robin Williams! Yes! Peter "Sweet Cheeks" Griffin, you have been given the power from God. - Ho-ho! Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho!

Victor's such a good actor. He played a dead baby on CSI: Miami. Yeah, I'm more into writing now. Oh, hang on a sec. Idea for a short story. Guy picks his nose, then eats it. Yeah, good luck with that. Hey, Olivia, why don't you and I go get some punch? Oh, actually, would you mind getting some for Victor and me while we catch up?

That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore TV to the way it was. You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and... (GUNSHOTS) What the hell? That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values

The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings... - Manet, honey. - What? It was actually the Manet exhibit. Not Monet. But no big deal. People make that mistake all the time. Oh! Right. You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair?

This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this.

(LAUGHING) (PHONE VIBRATES)

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID."

Oh, wow, look at that, Stewie. Perfect timing. Oh, it's beautiful. Everything's just so beautiful here. Ugh. This is miserable. Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight.

(GASPING) There's no doubt anymore. Peter murdered his wife. This is fantastic! I'm completely off the hook. What the hell? Hey, little man. Tell Chris to open his window?

Who's got the gal with all the snazz? You do! Who's got the fella with pizzazz? You do! Who's got the greatest love in the world? You do! And you do Thank goodness I've got you

Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that? SULU: Hello. Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull.

This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us.

Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS) (LAUGHING) What a wonderful novelty photo this will make. Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask. I have the mumps. What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease.

I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY) You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.

Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am.

(LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)

He's minding the fence, making sure that guy never comes back. Uh... You know, if it weren't for the devil, God'd probably go insane, blow his brains out from boredom, you know? Everybody likes to feel useful. Maketh the world go round.

Peter, we're running out of time! All right, all right, we'll try something else. I will now use my psychic powers to seek help from beyond.

I heard you coming. I made myself heard. Where have you come from? I've come from where I've been. You still riding with that mangy polecat Fletcher? Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun and the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road. Winner!

The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

Hiya, Joe. Peter! Don't get up. This is a surprise. I kinda thought you didn't like me. Oh, What? Because of what I said this afternoon. no, No. See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops.

in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh! - Hold it! - Freeze!

Let's all of us go be gay somewhere together.

Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years. Oh, Luke. I don't expect you to wait for me, Meg. No, I will, Luke. If it takes 10 years or 20 years, I will be here when you get out.

Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran.

Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America.

And also, we're missing a bunch of snow shovels from the storeroom. Does anyone know anything about that? Uh... Snow shovels? No. Haven't seen any. No. - Haven't heard about it. No idea. - No.

This can't be it. This doesn't look familiar. You're right, Brian. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has to take a poop right just now. (ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

I'm so sorry. That's ok, Lois. He's just curious about the chair.

No. No, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat.

Evil Stewie? Wherever you are, if you can hear me, I'm completely defenseless right now.

Well, thank God that's over. Yeah. Hey, you want to go crap on the Statue of Liberty? you know, I've lived here my whole life, and I've never been there! I've never been to the Empire State Building. Boy, we're--we're a pair, aren't we? aren't we? Unbelievable. Let's go.

This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. This and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet. Oh, oh, One time I did that! One time! Peter, Brian, please. Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do. Yeah. Except for the time Dad hit that deer.

Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.

DIANE: Our top story today, cowardly kids lay down rubber at the old Selberg place. Wait. Turn that up. Peter Griffin and Glen Ouagmire were seen bolting out... ...of the supposedly haunted house after just one half-hour... ...Ieaving only their pride and twin trails of urine behind them. Cheese and crackers! Now Lois'll know everything!

And I'll always turn it down because money just complicates everything. We don't need money because we have each other. Happiness isn't about buying expensive things, it's about being together.

And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

Pancake? Just a small one, thanks. My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had!

Oh, my God! (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel!

Brian, do you think you could identify a genital wart? (STUTTERING) I would think that would be something you'd check with your doctor about. - Okay. - Okay? Yeah. All right, 'cause I'm... I'm not a doctor. I can't... No, I understand. Okay, so we're... We're still friends? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, summer's coming on.

Excuse me. We were about to use that.

please flip the tape over to side B. Get out of my dreams

Ask Olivia. Olivia, the three of us are having a great time. What's your problem? My problem is you. You're acting like a baby! And we come to the center of the shrubbery maze. That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I'm not grown up enough for you. Well, you are a baby, aren't you? (ALARMED) Stay out of it. Stay out of it. Well, if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby.

I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife.

Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.

Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll? Well, I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound. My wife Janie gives me a beer.

Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron!

Brian. Uh, h-Hey, Joe, ha! How's it going? Pretty good. You were, uh, doing A little swerving back there. Uh, yeah, Yeah well, you know, m-me and the boys were just-- Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian. You're under arrest. Oh, Come on! Move it. Hey, One of you guys all right to drive?

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty.

The movie never ends ft goes on and on Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard!

Would she be face up? No, she had small breasts, but a great ass. She's definitely face down. But then, how could she see the window? Oh, my God. You're right. She couldn't have.

I invited her for dinner? Yes, you did. You wanted her to meet the family. Now, come here, Brian. Come sit by your friend Stewie. And then think about this, have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? undefinedThey're the same person. " know, right? You're brilliant.

Thank you? See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too. You balanced our checkbook? Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

Oh, Glenn, we're just so glad you're all right. And Jeff and I are happy to stay here with you for as long as you need. Fine, then you call my cousin Terry and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital. Well, Jeff, he is my brother. Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school? Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh?

Love to have you on board, Peter. Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me. Oh, Carter, you just missed Joe Workingman. (LAUGHS) Oh, I think he'll know I was here. (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY)

Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family.

Peter, they might be very nice people.

Lois, will you make up the guest room? Peter, that's someone's pet. You can't just take it. Well, maybe they'd never know it's gone.

now, I know you've been here all day. So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.

Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil?

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do?

Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt, and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means, and community activist. Go, Dad. He can't hear you.

As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending. Well, Look at the bright side, Lois. It's a chance for a fresh start for both Cleveland and... Oh, my God! What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What the hell, man?

Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here! SecurITy bReach! Security breach!

Stewie, you shouldn't have done that. But thanks.

Toby? Meg? Hi. Wow, you look just like your picture. You don't look anything like yours. Yeah, that's a candid from a summer job I had. Well, you're much prettier in person. - Shall we go? - Yeah, sure. Don't wait up, boys.

Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself. (SHOUTING) No! (SIGHING) Thank you very much. Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all. But it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally. Get Lois on the phone, have her wire us some money, and let's get the hell out of here. Oh! Uh-oh.

Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going?

See, now you say something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more. Oh! Come on, what did you see? I don't remember. I just was thinking about Tyra Banks. (EXCLAIMS) Can you imagine? Every night! Don't shake my hand. You ain't got no hand! You a little truck. BRIAN: So, what are we on, the first floor?

(CROWD GASPING) (BELL DINGS) And the winner, by technical knockout, weighing in at 67 pounds, Carol "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" Channing. Yeah. Up yours, young people.

Peter, I really appreciate this, but are you sure people are ready? Absolutely, O.J. This party will give you a chance to get know everybody and give them a chance to get to know the real O.J. Simpson. Peter, do you really expect anyone to show up? Sure I do. Look, here comes a bunch of people.

We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Hey. It's Saturday night, and you know what that means. We're gonna take a bath and watch the 1984 interesting movie, Gremlins. Now, the gremlins are funny. I don't know if those things are puppets or they put costumes on dogs or something, but let's press "play" and find out, huh? You can't get them things wet, by the way,

C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled.

No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish! What are you talking about? He thinks if Chris is Jewish, he'll become smart. Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades. Now I don't want to hear another word about tHIS.

You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money.

If, per chance, it is beautiful, I reserve the right to cry. Peter, I can't imagine any scenario where this is gonna be beautiful. Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man.

You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!

Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places.

mmm. Who would think that a woman with such beauty would have the culinary skills of Emeril Lagasse? Oh, well Thank you. Ha! Ha! Bam! Oh.

Well, Peter, I will help you Get your fartin' started (BLOWING RHYTHMIC RASPBERRIES) (BOTH LAUGH)

All right. Honey, I like you,

Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Oh, right, right. Let's go.

Play me down the stairs, boys. Good day. Enchante. Pasta Fazul.

Watch the sidewalk. My God! Is that Meg?

Today we'll see some of quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, cry, maybe even get a cheap laugh or two. I know I will, Tom. In fact, There's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell. I'll see you there, Diane.

If anyone asks, I shot him. Got that? You were crying in the corner. Holy crap. Stay back. Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers. That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there?

Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show.

Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook. LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

Hey, you know, I went into a store last week and they wanted $800 for a TV, but I us'ed them down to $500. (SCREAMING)

Peter, you've raised a fine family. yeah, Well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up. In fact, I was hoping you could change his mind. He'd have to believe you. You're God's go-to guy.

Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind! A pox on quahog!

Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP

Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game. Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here.

Ew! That's the ugliest thing the fat man's grown since that horse leg. Hey, Peter, have you seen my... Ah! Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me. Because I will get scared.

Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here!

No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

Peter, he murdered two people. What? He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. Simpson?

Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show.

Now stand back.

No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Okay. Here it comes, James. Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those!

Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super.

Not unless you do something about it. Yeah. But what? Carter, hand me my thinking grenades. Where did you get these? (SHUSHING) Carter, I'm thinking. - (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work.

Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail! After him!

Tell my kids I love 'em. Charlie! Charlie! (WAILING) This was so funny in my head when I planned it.

You know, living in that family, we both have pretty crappy lives. And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other. We're all we have. I know. I'll never do anything like that again. Do you think you can ever forgive me? Yeah, I forgive you. (STARTING CAR ENGINE)

(CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies.

on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a

Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now.

Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off!

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole!

Man, it's gonna feel so good to walk out of here tomorrow.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop.

Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek. I wonder if she's thinking about me. I don't know. Are you a pony or the color blue? (LAUGHING) Derek, look! Ha, how do you like that? Have you guys ever seen Jim Henson's Labyrinth? No. Have you ever seen the Channel Five News? No.

Okay, let's see if we can turn this trip around. I'm gonna try some blackjack. Here, take $40. I'm gonna go get some ice cream. All right, I'll catch up with you. Hey there, Denise. - How you doing today? - I don't know.

Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this. Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. Chris, you're wanted on the phone. Everything's gonna be all right. (STEWIE SCREAMING)

(GROANING) You fool!

Well, thank you both. You saved our lives. And Peter, I'll never forget what you did for us. You're a good man. All right, you rest up, get better, we ate your son. Bring it up.

Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going...

It was my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things. I'm not having fun anymore. I feel you should know that. (LOCK CLICKING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point.

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?

Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian. All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century. People are tolerant. Well, this is nothing. Probably just a random act of violence.

Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

Hot! aah! There's no way out! At last! My time device is complete! Just one final adjustment. There. Now I shall negate ever having drawn those damnable blueprints. Blast! Jeez. We're screwed!

I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor. STEWIE: Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a naked tea party. Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive.

You know, a lot of us here at Family Guy are, frankly, sickened by the sorry state of education in this country and how little you people read anymore. So for this next cutaway, we're gonna make you read it.

(EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion. Thank you, Tricia. After the interval, find out which 12 football teams tied tonight. The Queen's coming to Billingsbury? That's bloody sweet! You know, I'm actually a relation of the Royal Family. You most certainly are not. Where would you get that idea? Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor.

(SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

It's kind of funny.

Come on. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. You were praying. I saw! No, man. It was a joke. - You were praying! - It was a goof! I was goofing on you! You're disingenuous. Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell?

Mom, it's been three months. When is Dad gonna get better? Chris, I've already explained this to you. Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover. PETER: Lois! Bring me another beer, please! (SIGHS)

But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir! Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but...

One moment, please. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line... Out. Get out! Get out now!

Each jingle bell is a requiem knell And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell Because Christmastime is killing us

Ahh! Unhand me, woman! I don't have gas! I'm in love! Well then, I guess it's both. Peter, I'm home! How was your day? Uh, My day?

But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming. CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment,

Well, I mean, yeah. If you want to go right at it like a Neanderthal, sure. But I think we're shooting for a little more subtlety here, you know? You know, I don't believe that. I don't believe that that's a real conversation when I hear it. People don't talk like that, Meg. Ooh! What if they just bought a new wood stove? And Red Heinie Monkey says, "Boy, it's so hot in here because we just bought that new wood stove and..."

Why are we stopping? (CHATTERS) Oh, come on.

We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

Aw, Man! She was beautiful. you know, this looks awfully familiar. Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high.

Why, You smug little bastard!

Bathroom's down the hall to the right.

No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure!

(PLAYS TUNE) I was so scared, I didn't get off until I was in the South. (PLAYS TUNE)

Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens. Old nuns. Really old nuns. Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go. - All right. - You did good. Good. Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public? Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method.

You think you could get me a room by the pool? (LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star. (MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in. There it is, 2187. I'm on it! Everything's under control here.

Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin. Thanks, Jim. Hey! Hey, When you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say, "is it--Is it in yet?"

You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job! "Great job," so you know that phrase. What's that? What? What phrase do I know? Bill Maher! Whoo!

The only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here. My God! It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring! Let's take off our shoes and run home barefoot! Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say? This is not safe. I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull over.

Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh!

Welcome That's a wrap, people. Now Let's get the hell out of here. Wait A second. Where are you going? The old bag only paid us up through the song. We can just pick up after ourselves. After all, we'll only be here on weekends. No, No, Lois. It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are. That's PewterschmidT!

May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife. (PANTING)

DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap. Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight? Gee, I don't know. I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex. Actually, I won't be a standup comic, I'll be more like an amorphous-blob comic. I gotta write that one down! Nonsense! I'll have the studio send a flatbed for you! See you at 8:00!

I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.

Hey, Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs? I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood.

aww. Damn you all!

Boy, there is a lot of feces in here. Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING)

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? No, I put 'em all in your bag. Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we? I'll see you in the car.

Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe?

And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time.

Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this. QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, slide the red knob all the way out. And the second those wheels touch the ground, you hit the emergency brake.

And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. That's wonderful, Jenny.

Mary needs to stand up for herself. Hmm. Interesting. I suppose we don't really have an outspoken female character on the show. Damn right, you don't. Could be a possible breakout if we play it right. All right, Karina, we'll try it your way and see what happens. (CHUCKLES) Good luck. She'll be gone in three episodes.

No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project. Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you? Who cares? You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door, you're gonna forget all about it,

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)

Hey, anyone sitting here?

Just like Cyrano was exposed for being anti-Semitic. I love you for all that you are... (INDISTINCT WHISPERS) ...in spite of the fact that your people control a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth, and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of...

I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What god would allow this? This is in none of the songs or poetry. It's a horror show up here! How could you let this happen? Me? I didn't do this. Christmas did!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) This'll be great, Quagmire. A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate your first night without a baby. Yeah, Peter. This is great. I feel like myself again.

Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet.

Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing. Well, I don't know, but what I do know is that in the staff meeting, Christina said... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. ...my inventory system wasn't feasible. She's obviously threatened by you. But when the associate sales manager came back in the room... It's ridiculous and I support you fully. ...she told him the idea as if it was hers. You can't let them get to you. They're jealous of what you have. It's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

We were gonna go get her passport renewed. Oh, Chris took her into his room about 10 minutes ago. What? That whore! She's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan. (ROARING) I... I don't know Shakespeare very well.

I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot!

QUAGMIRE: That bastard! That was my idea! He stole it! I was gonna do that to my penis! Oh, well, maybe I can do something else. Like, like, like the Space Needle. Or a banana. Or a Sharpie. I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something.

Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved!

Buried alive. Buried alive. (BLEATING) Lois, I need $28,000. For what? I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door.

Yes, hello, I'd like to buy 400 blister packs of Actifed, or similar pseudoephedrine-based decongestant. Why? I have a cold. (PRETENDS TO SNEEZE) Hang on, let me check something.

You guys, look, there's something up ahead. I think it's a person. Oh, my God, maybe they have food. Maybe it's a rescue team.

A-and-- Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns. Is that a baby? Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right!

I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't.

It's good to have you home, Peter. Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok. I sure am gonna miss being rich. Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship.

I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian.

Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

"That place must've just opened up "'cause I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago. "I went in there once and there was a guy with a harelip eating soup, "and I was like... (GROANING) "It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know. "But I still never went back there.

(GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain.

He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. Just goes to show anything can be dangerous. Is his family here? His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff. Oh, my God, not that guy. Is she still with him? Isn't he the one that beats her? Yeah, but she's gotten a lot better.

Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna,

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam.

Oh! Good heavens! Man, your accent is sexy. This is all moving very quickly. I'm afraid I'm a little light-headed. You must think I'm a fool. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on too strong. Oh, that's all right.

My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache. My tooth hurts!

(DUCKS QUACKING)

Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.

(PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Just for the record, I was at the hospital for a brief moment. Mrs. Griffin, it's a good thing you brought this child in.

What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter? I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one, but as I recall, you were more interested in partying with your friends.

Listen to them, R2, they're dying! What do we do? Only one thing to do, man. You still got that bag I gave you? Man, I wish I could listen to some Tatooine, Wind & Fire right now. Hmm. So, you think the Empire's gonna fall, man?

Aha! Who are you? How did you get in here? Shut up, Pelosi. Are you here to take my baby? No, I'm here to strap you to a board, put a cloth in your mouth, and pour water over it to simulate the sensation of drowning. Yeah! Traditional values!

Ok, who's hungry? Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square? Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. Yeah.

I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg.

I faked all my orgasms.

Aah! Greetings, man in white. I've been expecting you. Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer. Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want?

You're a monster. You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976. Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter.

See, Quagmire? I told you he's gay. Shut up, Peter!

Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is. Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... This is Peter Griffin. Hey, That's a good one.

No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival.

(IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE) Slow-motion diving at you! (BOTH GRUNTING) (ACTIVATING WEAPON) (PENELOPE FIRING)

Michael Moore. Oh, here we go. This is exactly what I was talking about, Lois. Fox News will take down anyone who doesn't agree with them. Well, now, wait a minute, Brian. Give him a chance. What exactly do you want me to do? We have reason to suspect that Michael Moore may be a closet homosexual. We need you to get the proof. Oh.

All right, if that's what it takes to ride that ride, I am going on a diet. And I'm not stopping till I look as good as my great aunt, Legs Go All The Way Up Griffin. Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

I don't know, but one thing's for sure. If we don't find out before this storm lets up, we're all gonna be dead by morning.

You've had your little dramatic outburst.

And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then. No, no, the hole's only 2 meters across. Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat. Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench. It's not a big deal.

(CHICKEN SQUEAKS) (GROANS) Who...

I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right. I'll go have a talk with him. Hey, buddy, where are all your pals? Playing baseball. Well, why aren't you playing with them? 'Cause I don't have a glove. Oh, yeah? Gee! Just for me? No fooling?

Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it. Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please. Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson. Sh-sh-she's new. I think the plagues went away. So did the white light.

uh, even been to a P.T.A. meeting. This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"! I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done.

(YELLS) (SCREAMING)

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this. Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God. I thought we were friends.

You didn't tell her? Look, I told you she was gonna kill herself. What was I supposed to do? Let her. No, that's not funny. Wait a second. We know she's gonna be upset if you dump her. But if something happened that was out of your control... What do you mean? I mean we're gonna fake your death.

Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! (SOBBING) What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her? Doesn't look good. Stewie, I think there's only one way we're ever gonna see Meg again.

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts.

How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl!

Yes. Okay. But the thing was five minutes past the throw-out time. Well, be that as it may, Shawanda took these pictures on her cell phone. You're fired.

Got some dessert for you. You gotta be kidding me. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up.

(HUMMING) (SIGHS) So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday? Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there.

but unfortunately he was kind of a reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be. I wish to make love to you. (CHUCKLING) Oh, no, thank you. What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy. Yeah, but this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different.

All right, here we go. Classic. Uh-oh. (ENGINE STARTS) Ow! (CAR BEEPING) Oh, God! Brian! Brian!

No, but I caught this turtle. Named him Terence. Then killed him, and hollowed him out into an ashtray for Stewie. Peter, we have a family to feed. We all count on you to provide for us. I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show.

Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

It's just that things don't always work out the way we plan. Do you know I've never been to Europe? Now look at me.

It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God! Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See?

Jason Patric! Ew! You know, perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way.

Name something you find in your bathroom.

Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not. Like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out ofjury duty. Awful lot of honkies in here.

Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, and there's nothing we can do about it. Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm. (SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie. Now remember, everyone, let's be cheerful, 'cause Thanksgivings are very hard for them. 'Cause Joe can't walk? No. 'Cause his bum doesn't open up to poo anymore,

I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins. Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you? What are you, nuts? Shut up, round-eye! Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us!

This guy may look harmless on the outside, but on the inside he could be a complete bastard, like Fred Flintstone.

Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful? It's nice they put Joseph in there, even though he's not really the father. Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem? Doctor, thank goodness you're here. My wife is about to give birth.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're certainly going in style I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants How dare you!

Hey, Quagmire. What you got there? It's the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Check it out. Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to. I've been spoiled by Internet porn. - It's true. - Totally. What do you mean, "Internet porn"? You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you,

Who is better? Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik? Um, the Iron Sheik? Okay. He is one of us. I told you.

9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

Maybe someone in space.

Ok, there she is. That is, That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight. Oh, hello, Janet. Yes--Yes, you know Melinda. Yes, it seems she's, um... Oh, What did we figure out, dear? Was it--was it 1? No, 2. Yes, she's 2 weeks younger than you.

well, You could whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50 apiece. Or 50 really fat chicks for $1,000.

You shouldn't have done that, little fellow. You just earned yourself a trip to the pound! Who the hell do you think you are? Brian! Brian, do something. Look, I'm sorry about this. Let me just pay the fine or whatever and I'll make sure this doesn't happen again. You can pick him up tomorrow. Oh, okay. Just bring a trash bag.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to That Black Guy Must Be Doing Well Because Everything He Owns is White. Hey, how you doing? Wow, he must be doing well.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to ask you to do such a thing.

A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

(HEARTS ON FIRE PLAYING) Hearts on fire Strong desire

Uh, hello? - Are you bald? - Yeah.

Your Honor, sir, we've come to ask-- Let me handle this. Peter, I thought we were a team. Listen, your don-ness. I got a little favor to ask you. Go ahead. As you know, I am obligated to grant one favor on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. While you ask me for this one and only favor,

(SPEAKING THAI) They're coming too fast! A nickel for every time I've had that problem. Just keep shooting, Luke.

Mom, you don't understand! Luke and I really connect very deeply! He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here. In a way, we're both in prison. Well, Meg, there's a big difference there. He's in prison for a reason. He broke the law! He robbed a convenience store to pay for medication for his mom.

Brian, what do you know about this? Nothing. I know when you're lying to me, Brian. no, No, I swear. Meg, take Stewie upstairs.

"Faster Than the Speed of Love."

Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

Hey, you that Griffin boy's father? Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager. Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it? Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had. I sold twice as many buckets today because everybody wants to hit the fat kid.

Excuse me, Hef, I got a plane to land. (NOTRE DAME VICTORY MARCH PLAYING)

and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. You don't really think I'm like that, do you?

I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn. You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there.

But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved, so you begin to think maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off. Oh, Wow! A real movie set.

not totally happy with your physical appearance? Go on. Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. (SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.

But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this. Look! I'm making an angel!

It's going to be awesome. I don't know how to do anything like that. It's easy. I'll help you meet some women, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Come on, it's been 50 years since I've been on a date. Well, how'd you get that chick on the boat, then? You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back? Yeah. Well, that was one of the girls their dad didn't get back.

My Lois. Oh, Peter. Mr. Bieber, they're calling for an encore! Oh, my God, those kids are expecting a show. I'll handle this. (CROWD CHEERING)

You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you! Uh, e-Excuse me, sir. Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely. My friend here is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly. And I'm of a different species. You're hired.

Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Look, in the past you've done terrible things, but it's always been about the pursuit of your greater goal of world domination. But this girl, she just creates chaos for the sake of chaos. So what are you saying? I'm saying, she's a bad influence on you, and you should stop spending time with her.

I once played a game of cricket without shin guards. Oh, I love a reckless man! One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell, and ran like Sebastian Coe! Oh! More! Tell me more! I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband!

See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.

Yay! We live with a dolphin! Correct, fatso. Anyway, I'm off to read Meg's diary. Only been here one night, but I get the sense we all dislike Meg. Um, I'm a dolphin, smart, intuitive.

If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

(SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg?

FOUAD: (LAUGHING) Yes! Yeah, thanks for coming, Fouad. Oh! Is funny because open heart surgery not easy at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fouad. (FOUAD LAUGHING) So, without further dudes, let's watch this thing.

All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks! Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.

Well, perhaps We should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person. oh. Mmm. Yes. Peter, I'm waiting. I'm comin'.

Are you kidding? Scott fell last week. He hasn't shut up about it since. Sure. Stand there and bitch! But would any of you take the time to help me? Ooh, ooh. I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott.

Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed.

(SHUSHING) That's okay. I'll show you. Just follow my lead. (FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME PLAYING) It feels like the first time Feels like the very first time

Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen? We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke. Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH) I remember that. I heard it from that guy.

I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks. (BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome our next guest, Mr. James Woods. Oh, James. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.

(AUDIENCE MURMURS) ANNOUNCER: Das Ist Gut is filmed before an audience of the mentally feeble. (GUNSHOTS) God, I wish I could get tickets to that show. ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you a Channel Five News special report.

Yes, you know, he's right, Brian. Besides, I've never been to a Hebrew wedding. Well, I guess we could stay a little longer. Oh, wonderful! I want to be hoisted up on the chair and see what it feels like to be top Jew. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

But this is where I belong. I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg. I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is... I'll never forget you.

I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles!

What? I said, "Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody?

Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you. Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends.

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus! Damn! Lost focus! Life over! (GRUNTS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (PANTING)

Full housE. Dagnab! That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys. Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend.

and I'm gonna hurry home and show it to Lois. Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere. You're Dingo, that dog that plays all those fart sounds on the radio. Awesome!

Wow, thanks. You think you could help out my friend Meg here? Yeah, I think I could give her a hand. (LAUGHING) Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out.

And action! Okay, Hillary, you know the bet. You have to sleep with the next guy that walks through that door. Got it. Dad? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Hillary? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're in college? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're my new college roommate?

Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.

(EERILY) Peeper... (BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS)

Well, hey, Jeremy! How do you like the Death Star so far? Good. Awesome! You gotta come back next year, when it's done. (AWKWARDLY) Oh... Okay, we're gonna move on now. If you ever do that to me again, I swear to God... I know! I know! Nobody told me. They kind of just dropped him on me at the last minute. I couldn't say no, man.

Is that what you want? No, you know what? You know what? Give me your wallet. What? You heard me. I said, "Give me your wallet." This is a crappy wallet. You have bad stuff. What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again. It's the electricity, Peter. There are power lines down, and there's no one to fix them. The cops don't come, the toilets don't flush,

Look, this isn't Windex but it's just as good. It's the store brand. No. No. It leave a film. I'm okay with the film. Just use it.

Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun. E-e-Everybody does it. E-Everybody I know--

We also have a wheelchair. $60. Okay. (IN DEEP TONE) They're going with "B." Those sons of bitches made it about money. Yeah, Joe. So, what do you say? They didn't care about you. Why should you care about them?

Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here!

I'll always be Scottie Pippen to his Michael Jordan. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan! And Scottie Pippen. MAN 1: He's also good. Why didn't they do Jordan last? MAN 2: Alphabetical? MAN 1: Oh, right. That's smart. You're smart. But still.

Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.

(CRUNCHING SOUND) Ow! Son of a bitch! (GRUNTS IN PAIN) Oh, my God, Stewie, are you all right?

And we also have evidence that Darth Vader tried to buy yellowcake uranium from unwed teenage mothers. Those things all sound scary!

"...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf. "But he didn't listen to them 'cause he's his own man. "And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous "turn out to be the most fun." Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter.

Good morning, class. Starting today, we have a new student. Peter, would you like to introduce yourself? Hi. My name's Peter Griffin. I was actually in third grade a long time ago, but I never finished. Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson.

me and Chris have never been closer.

Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Why'd we take his leg? Well, we're in their country, Brian. We have to observe their customs. Oh, dear. Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey, Brian. Ha! Damn right, ha.

So, now our number one concern is that predators are watching our body heat. Peter, that's just a movie. That's not real. PETER: No, I think we need to cover ourselves in mud to avoid being seen. QUAGMIRE: Peter, Joe's right. That's only a movie. JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted!

MAN: Could you say whole speech again in Spanish? ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING) (GRUNTING)

Someone to share ioy Or despair with Whichever hetides you Life becomes a chore Unless you 're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to

Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home? About an hour ago. This party sucks. What happened to your face? I'm a kitty cat. Stupid face-painters apparently never heard of Darth Maul.

What do I have to do to prove this to you? Well, maybe if I'd seen you kiss your girlfriend. - Fine. - What was that? What is she, your grandmother? (SCOFFS) That's no kiss. Watch this. (MOANING)

Have a seat anywhere. Meg's gonna open her presents in a little bit. Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it. Here, this is for Megan. Oh, what is it? It's a cookie from lunch period at the home. Well, I'm sure she'll love this. I want to see her eat it. So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink,

(IMITATES PURRING) (MEOWING AND PURRING) I think you're dreaming. No, I'm not.

How was school? Horrible. There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my backup guy had plans.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big!

Lord Vader, we're out of light speed and... (CHOKING) You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. Didn't know I could choke you through the TV, did you? Well, I can. Captain Piett, you're in charge now. Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.

That guy is to money what Miss Ann Margaret is to...

You know, you've always been so noncommittal in our relationship. Do know how much it hurt my feelings when you paused before introducing me to your parents? And it's the same reason you didn't take that job in Denver. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to waste your time. I just remembered my husband is a total chicken shit! I'm not 100% sure what we're doing anymore.

Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her... ...and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis.

And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context.

Your friend's candy is right around the corner. All right. Terrific. (THUMPING) BRIAN: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint?

This is my wife, Janice, my daughters, Lisa and Jane, and this is Rosalyn, a friend of our daughter Jane's. Her family life is rough, so we are kind of like a second home. Robert! Well, it's true. Well, thank you for taking the time to notarize this important document. I'm sure you are quite busy.

Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way! Aw, Crap! Hold it right there! Or what?

Come on, "overcoming adversity"! Let's go, "overcoming adversity"!

(GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One, no tax-dodging Jedis in my pit! Religion is tax-exempt! Jedi is a religion!

There are plenty of things that are much worse for children than television. Like when Peter babysat for the neighbor's kid. All right, I couldn't find your toys, so why don't you just play with this blow dryer and these rattles? Guess that's it. You probably want me to get out of your hair. So here's the Drano in case there's a clog.

Kids, we're free. We're finally free. Ouch. Damn, that hurts. What happened?

(SCREAMING) Oh, jeez. Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg. Glad to have you. Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work. Now, let me just go over a few basics. You'll earn minimum wage,

Then do it! All right. We'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled.

What if the kids were to see you drinking like this? Especially Stewie. He's so impressionable. Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here!

as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Transmission commencing. Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid. Vader's on that ship. Don't get jittery, Luke. There's a lot of command ships. Keep your distance, though, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance. How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, fly casual!

Brian, you think that's our Jesus? (PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking.

Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

What's going on? You having your period? What? I'm just trying to take an interest in your interests. My period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control. Gross. All right. I'm gonna go talk to Chris. Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter.

What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing?

Thank you, and God bless you both! Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)

And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter,

And some spermicidal foam That's all I really want for Christmas this year I want a brand-new pitching wedge I would like more Lemon Pledge That's all I really want for Christmas this year

Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away. We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that?

Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

I'll get you back in! It's ok, Dad. I'm not really-- Ah, Ah. Don't take no for an answer, Chris. You're a Griffin. And a Griffin never knows when to stoP. CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.

(SIGHING) I feel like such an idiot. Don't. I'm lucky to have you as a neighbor, and even luckier to have you as a friend. Thanks. I'm lucky to have you as a friend, too. (SIGHS) When is Bonnie coming home? I have to apologize to her. Well, you can apologize right now. Hi, Meg.

Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks. Thanks, Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamping our schools. For starters, we're making sex education more fun.

You'll never get away with this. Why not? I've fooled people before. Y-You remember that time I pretended to be gay?

Well, what's going on? You haven't eaten yet? No. Where's your father? He was supposed to put the lasagna in the oven. Ugh! I ask him to do one thing while I'm at yoga. You go to an intro class, and it's not even at the yoga studio. It's in someone's living room. And that's not even a yoga mat. That's the old pee pad from my crib.

Give me that! Not on your life! Take one step closer, and the paper gets it. (GASPS) Drop your guns! Do as he says!

Well, we do have one lead, Brian. I have a recording of the kidnapper's voice. What? You do? How? I recorded the kidnapper's phone call with the fat man. You see, Brian, I record all phone calls coming in or out of the house. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yep. This one's one of my faves. WOMAN: Hello, Fundamental Industries. How can I help you?

I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S." Oh, well. Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway.

Hey, Look. Here's a picture of your great great-granddad, Osias Griffin. He owned one of the first dozen telephones. Hello? Hello, Jonathan? No. What number are you CALLing? 7. No. This is 3. Oh, Sorry.

It was just in my imagination, so I drawed it. Wow! You're really talented. You know, there's something about you, Classy. Something special. Oh, that's very sweet. I like your voice.

I can't play soccer, I have newborn-calf ankles! You know this, damn it! I'm gonna tear the cover off this ball. But, hang on, first I got to adjust myself. (CROWD CHEERING) Are you having a nice morning, dear?

My God, we better get her to a hospital. She doesn't look too good. Yeah, she looks worse than Andy Garcia when he had his conjoined twin.

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib?

Hey, this ain't the way to the rendezvous point. We're not meeting up with the others. We're going to the Dagobah system. Hi. Excuse me. Excuse me.

does anyone want to buy some pot? We must be getting close to the Pole. Look at all these igloos. Look, there's a Persian igloo that takes up the whole lot. My children are teaching your children to smoke at school.

Well, you know, Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner is, uh, to go out. Brian, you know I can't do that. I haven't left this house in such a long time. I'm afraid. I know. But I'll be with you. I don't know. Come on, Pearl. There's so much you've missed in the last 30 years. In fact, allow me to fill you in.

All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig your own graves with them. Han, that's kind of dark. Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside! (MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry!

Move closer! Get alongside that one!

Don't worry, Carol. W-We'll get you through this. In a few days, you'll have a beautiful baby. And you can smother it with all your unrequited love. And, As soon as the baby can crawl, it'll probably leave me, too, just like my 8 husbands.

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad! Maybe we should go now.

I bet I was a doctor who had to deal with a lot of serious stuff, but always found a way to keep things light. Oh, my God, she's beautiful. Yeah, she is. It's not yours. Yours died. Yeah, and I bet I answered the customer complaint line at a Danish cookie company.

Who's talking like he's black The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine

(GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper.

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! We did it! Oh, what's this? What's this? It says right here we won! We won, you dicks! You suck! Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down? We're having my son's birthday party over here.

(BURPS) Schumai. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Oh. (GRUNTS)

Oh, Dad, do we have to... Ow! Don't cry! Don't cry! Game's over if you cry. (SLURRING) I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this. Peter, I think you may have had one too many. Maybe it's time to ease off, huh?

Is that your boy? What? Yeah. That's Stewie. Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgmenly. Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? Yeah. All right. You're free. Wow! Can you give me my job back? No. Yes. All right!

Dad, I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Listen, I feel awful about the things I said last night. I was selfish.

I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss. Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile. I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour.

Oh, My God. We've lost him. If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked. Look, buddy. Just go in the pan. And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off. Hey, nurse? Nurse?

Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested? Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security. He was an 85-year-old Korean Buddhist. Or was he a supreme leader of Al Qaeda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial. Peter, America was founded by immigrants.

The place is packed. How are we gonna figure out who has your credit card? I got it, Brian. Smell my ass. What? Smell my ass. It's where I keep my wallet. Get the scent and then find the guy that smells like me. Peter, that's ridiculous. Come on, boy, get the scent. Cut it out! Get a good sniff.

I'm also Tony Danza, Camryn Manheim, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe, and Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich. Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world. That's all I ever wanted people to know. Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.

No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%. Uh, okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask, what's the 0.01? Well, I mean, there's this little hole. It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect. And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next.

Dear Stewie, I want you to know that I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hell hole entirely on your awful mother. If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza. Excellent. Here, have a look.

You're gonna have to stop with the kicking. Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly!

Hello, I am Chief Oleki. Welcome to my village. Our air is clean. Our food is bountiful and our water is caffeine-free. Never had it. Never will. This is my daughter, Loka.

But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris.

4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall!

No. Let him go.

Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain. MAN: What the hell are you doing? WOMAN: Give that back! MAN: Man! WOMAN: Now, where were we? MAN: This is much better. Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected.

Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's Christmas this year. Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon. What? He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving. All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready. Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing? Never mind that, let's just get going.

You sure this is the right way? Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star. Are you sure that's a star? We've had this conversation! Yes, it's a star! It's got flashing red lights! Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot! Hey, thanks for coming out on such late notice, Doc.

Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. now Meg, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it. And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense. You said "nuclear." It's "nucular," dummy. The "S" is silent. It's almost midnight.

Hey, why would you hang that up? It looks so tantalizing. You know, the Empire is gonna come looking for these droids. But if they find out who the Jawa sold them to, that could lead them back... Home!

Promise me, Peter.

Everybody see this?

Is this scotch tape? You drunk. Boy, I really appreciate you guys helpin' me out on this. Peter, we're your friends. We're always there for you in your time of need. Especially when you provide the free beer.

(GRUNTING) Like that... Okay, sure, sure, relax, relax. It's just, well, you don't... You don't really do any of those things, do you? Yeah, I do. Wait. What are you talking about? It's just, I don't know... I mean do you really live with purpose? How could you say that to me? Just calling it like I see it.

What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

Now, Let's just wait for the test results. Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast! I'm so worried about your father.

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick.

Peter, I spent all morning cleaning up the house. And in 5 seconds, you turn it into low tide at the pier.

Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out. Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay!

Look out! Here comes a squadron of PIE fighters!

Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house? Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you...

We don't have a cat. That's a throw pillow. (CRYING)

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?

I'm not doing a monologue. I'm doing a piece with Stewie. A duet. Really? Well, let's see it. A 5, 6, 7, 8! Who's got the greatest gal around? You do! Who's got the sweetest man in town? You do!

You have not said that in a very long time. Well, I'm back on it.

Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts. (FARTS) (AIR HISSING) (FARTS) (AIR HISSING)

That's nice, Brian. Here's a new kind of meth you put in your pee-hole. What? Oh, yeah, we're meth dealers now. Yeah, you missed it. My teeth came in and then fell out again.

Now, this may be kind of expensive, so I got a plan. Everyone should have to give some money from their salaries each year. Poor people will give a little bit of money, and rich people will give a larger amount of money, and our representatives will use all that money to hire some people who will then provide us with social order and basic services.

Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about?

Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee.

My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.

I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and wake up. And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight? My Puerto Rican wife got fat.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license.

Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine.

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy

Maybe he's two dwarves in an overcoat, wanting to see what sex is like with a big person. Huh? Is that what you want? Two crafty dwarves in your house, after your daughter? Wait. Do dwarves grant wishes? No, Peter, they're people, like you and me. Well, goodbye phone in the bathroom,

Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead.

They're meeting in secret, they're creating cover stories... Oh, my God, you're right. See, I told you Mahmoud was bad news. Those guys are all bad news. Hang on there, Quagmire. Just because these few guys are terrorists doesn't mean all Muslims are. Every ethnic group has their nut-jobs. We have the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh,

Um. This is my little brother Stewie. Your head makes me laugh. I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore. Listen, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a really long time. Oh, yeah? What? Well, um, I really like you.

Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat, "I hate you. "You are a bad man. "And you made me cry.

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley!

Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys."

Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? You shall not pass.

What do you got there, Quagmire? Is that Briggs? No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

What's all the commotion? Hey, there's one of them.

You been chasing cars tonight, boy? Look, the name is Brian. I was just out for a little walk. That's all. Uh-huh. Without a leash. I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down! Oh. I don't believe this. I don't suppose you could let us off with a warning? Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good.

I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day.

(GASPS) It's gone! Where is she, Woods? What'd you do with the body?

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I should be ready to go again in a little bit here.

Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it. Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable. Yep.

That's what the people want! Now, what else?

Suzanne, we have to talk. Okay. Someone has made contact with me. Someone from my past, and, well, long story short, go, go, Guatemalan son.

oh! Bovine lummox! Oh! Oh, God!

You mean steroids? But, Peter, haven't you seen what happens to those ladies on E.S.P.N. 2? They get big hair faces, and their breasts become like flapjacks! I--I was thinking more like a protein shake. Oh, God, I'm sorry! Aisle 3, next to the creams. Ooh, I don't like saying that word.

Aah! Here, let me show you the turbo booster. Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts? I'd say come again? And then I'd laugh because I said "come." But thank God that's not the case, eh. You're a Scout. And you know what that means? That means I love you. Hmm.

Hey, Brian, check it out. Meg's poking around the cargo hold. I'm gonna give her a little scare.

You know, I was just thinking, when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related.

Hey, who was that fat chick sneaking out of here this morning? Oh, that was someone I met from class. Bettina. Ooh, that's way too fancy a name for her. Her name should be "Thud" or "Oof."

Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00. I'm sure we can figure something out. (LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh.

I hate you! Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.

Cindi was right. We need a lot more work. Uh, e-e-Excuse me. Yeah, uh, Hi, i'm--I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, uh, as many of you may know, I recently came into some money. Well, I don't really deserve it so I've decided to share it with my brothers!

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.

Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz.

Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING)

Ah, ha! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet. Well, Fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society! You get a job!

and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh? Well, How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on. You'll be the stewardess, and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drillin' ya. ugh, Move! I have a lot of work to do. I can't. I'm stuck. Peter, the passengers need me. No, they ate. They're watching the movie. They're fine.

And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape,

God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fecalman. You know, I was thinking... Wait, what? What? That's his name? - Yeah. - Huh-larious. But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass? Boy, that'd be satisfying.

(MACHINE BEEPS) You did it, Stewie. You did it.

Hey, Thanks for coming. What a horrible night. It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson. And best of all, nobody important got hurt.

Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours! Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward. Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time!

Whoops. Whoa-- Whoa. Hang on, Hang on. I gave you one with silverware in it. Take this one instead. That one's probably fine. Beautiful.

Dialysis? Is there any other way? Yes, there is. No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. We'll do the dialysis.

Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage." Spread the word.

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.

Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.

No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic. (WHIRRING) Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out.

I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say--Say "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie." Ha! Don't forget the taint.

Hey, you've got something on your shirt. Joke complete.

Baby, you take me in your arms Aw! Isn't that cute? My little Stewie likes Anne Murray. She sounds like an angel.

No one wants to go to a stupid big band club anymore. You know, I could help you make some changes around here that would bring in customers. You know, Brian, we should give Stewie a shot. It can't hurt. Well, what'd you have in mind? Just trust me, Brian. I know exactly what to do. You've got to be aggressive,

ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride,

- Great job getting hot, Meg. - Gee, thanks. - Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it. Hey, Meg. We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out.

Oh. Okay. Meg, you're not invited to my party.

Peter, I'm going to fall! (HANGS UP) (GASPS) It looks like you're out of roof.

I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire? Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up, just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we? Hello, is this Megan Fox?

What? Come on over here, son. Hand me the paper, so I don't need to use my grabber. Mmm. That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there. Uh, Thanks. Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself? Oh, That's ok, mister.

Dad! What? 8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night.

Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!

Lois, I got something better. You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois.

All right, then. Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down.

Hey, why's it so hot in here? It's too hot in here. Wait a minute. An Ed Hardy T-shirt? That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007, while you were supposedly in your coma. Look, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me? The truth. Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed.

- Out. - I live here.

I... I don't have a lot of stuff. Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder. Nope. Oh, this is horrible! Maybe you guys were right. Maybe our town has changed.

What? What is that?

Mmm. That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there. Uh, Thanks. Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself? Oh, That's ok, mister. I don't collect until the end of the month. I'll see you tomorrow. Weird.

(EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet. What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS)

Cool. And here's a picture of-- Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one. W-w-Wait. What was that? Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin!

Coffee for Brent. (CHUCKLING) Latte for Cecil. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

Hey, Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream? Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you! Aw, Come on, Lois.

(SHOWER RUNNING) Who's in the shower? Is it Donny? No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill. Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there? That's right.

I'll come with you. No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian.

Well, hi there, Brian. How's it going, Adolf? I'll have you know my grandparents died in the Holocaust. (CHUCKLING) No, I'm just joking. They were there, though. This whole place just feels like a warm blanket. I'll show you to our daycare facility shortly.

Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.

I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign. Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo. He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then that's the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend,

You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else?

And hey, you've been working hard.

Sorry. I just farted.

Ok, boys! Let's do it! And one, 2, 3. And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, 2, 3.

Ah! Listen to that. Don't you hate that? That is awful. I think it's easier on me because I'm the one making the sound. Ok, Nice effort, Brad. But, uh, let's remember our performance hierarchy.

But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex?

Aah! Uh, Ok. Take your base. Somebody call 911. Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel! Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired! Oh, Man. What'll I do if I get fired? I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model.

Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind. And who cares? He's probably off in a barn somewhere working on a contraption - with that weird brother of his. Ew. (BOTH GIGGLING) ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch. You're so pretty. I miss you.

Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast! I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby.

Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers. We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted!

(IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off!

Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks. so, Peter, Where shall we go for your week off? Well, I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year. This isn't bad. It's not that good.

Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver. Ah. Are you kidding? You can borrow whatever you want. Great. Say, you don't happen to have any picture wire, do you? Picture wire? You son of a bitch.

Ah, Dostoyevsky, the Mad Russian. Good stuff. Good stuff. You're not gonna get the $26, and you're despicable for trying. What? Oh, oh, You thought... I wasn't trying to get the $26. I thought we were just having a perfectly innocent conversation about literature.

JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed. Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you. What a weird little guy. Thanks, Joyce.

It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

Well, Have a good time. All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

My daughter would absolutely love you. You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker!

Okay, you made your point.

The first television broadcast. (PLAYING SERENE TUNE)

(DRUNKENLY) Hey, hey, that's the guy. That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls.

Well, maybe I will. Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart.

(WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

Well, tell us everything, sweetie. How's school going so far? It's great, Mom! I got powerful connections now, thanks to Grandpa. Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No!

But, hey, you gotta print the real story. And this time, I want to talk to the real reporter. Let's go, Meg. See, Meg? Things always work out if you do whatever you want without worrying about consequences. Thanks, Daddy. Come on, Luke. I got my computer in my room. Meg, keep your door open.

Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco!

And Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis. Good morning. Peter, what on earth are you wearing? It's a dashiki. And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name. From now on, call me Kichwa Tembo.

You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.

Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God!

Ok, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. 10 more reps. Ok, and one, and 2, and 3...

Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears. Meg, what happened?

We should put on some '80s music, and then, like, every few minutes, have him come out of there as a different sex, and we'll go... And then, like, the fifth or sixth sex, we'll go like this... This is not a joke, Peter, okay? They're cutting off his penis in there! All right, all right. I mean, this is my dad we're talking about! Okay, okay.

Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter. Um, Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad. Your father? He must be a man of at least 70. Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom. Peter!

(SCREAMS) (GAGGING) STEWIE: Hey, fat ass!

Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere.

Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar!

Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?

It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her! I can't work this way. I quit! Fine. We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy,

You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

We must kung fu fight! So be it, A.N.N.A.

Not sure can do it. You so money. Don't know it. Hi, me Peter. Tired walking everyplace? Need something make you go? Peter wheel make you go. Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again.

I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone.

It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughinG. There's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap. That was classic. Boy. I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me? If every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the superbowl, no one would be married. Yeah, you're right. Ok, I got the top bunk.

It's not a mask. I have the mumps. What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps?

Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!

Shut up. Seriously, shut up. Please, you are done here. Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country. Wait, not you five. I'm gonna keep you for an experiment.

(DUCKS QUACKING) Well, it looks like I'm a man with no sperm. But I'll always be a man with no sperm who once had a wonderful day. Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.

Oh, my God! Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I faked all my orgasms.

Leafers! Holy crap! We gotta get outta herE! What about the boat? Leave it! Hurry, Peter! They're almost here!

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm.

Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby. What? What did you just say? Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois.

PETER: It worked! (GRUNTS) Let me go! Let me go, you bastards! You're all gonna pay for this! Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you. I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.

I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!

Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier.

Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend. What.... You.... Girlfriend? What kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?

Carol, what are you doing? Are you crazy?

Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first, did you actually sit in the water or was that... Well, that's pretty much all there is to tell, kids. The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry.

"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'"

I know. And maybe that's why he ended up in my hands. The Lord can't do everything, you know? Blasphemy! Heresy! Sodomy! (LAUGHS) Sorry, I don't even know what's going on. How you doin'?

Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on. Okay.

My black son, he's making each day The best that he can

Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing,

We have a lot of mime-on-mime violence.

(SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350.

Damn it. (LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do. There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.

I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

- Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City. - What? Yeah, those jokers just called and said I had to go on a last-minute business trip. What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see.

Ugh! Oof! Ahh! Ahh!

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back. God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it.

They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I gotta do is write "deceased" right here where it says "name." And where it says "sex," I'll write, "No, thanks. I'm dead." It's bulletproof. But you promised the fat one would perish.

Peter, we don't have air conditioning. Well, that's awful peculiar. (GASPS) Oh, my God. Peter, look. Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell? Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh. (GRUNTING) There we are.

LOIS: I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting.

No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast! I'm so worried about your father.

Thanks, boys. Just like that.

Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run. He's gonna get us. He's still got us.

Daddy, please, stop this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period.

We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they'll come get you. But Dad, the T.V.'s back on.

I had terrible mucus coming out from inside my nose. And the other children, they were very nasty to me about that. They said bad, hurtful things to me. They called me "Tasty Cakes" and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. Those were very bad times. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I locked you in a wooden crate and forgot to put an air hole in it. Forgot to put an air hole in it. Well, you kind of had it coming. Look, Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet. Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started. Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell. And now you're gonna pay for it. So get ready, fuckers.

And this is Peter. Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What are you feeding this gal, huh? Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off? It's a pleasure, Peter. My daughter is quite taken with you. And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at this, huh? Show us front and back there, Lois. Yeah, Don't think I don't know where that comes from.

Oh, this is so exciting. Maybe we'll get lucky and see another crash this year. Yeah, we can get some souvenirs. Last year, I got an altimeter and a shinbone. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING)

Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend... Jerome? Loose Lois? What? You guys know each other? Know each other? Peter, Jerome is an old boyfriend of mine. What? (YAWNS) Sorry, I was out of it. Wait, are we being robbed?

You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap. Well, you can't fight City Hall.

Um... What does all this gay stuff have to do with us? Well, the fact of the matter is, I have wronged each and every one of you in some way. And, since I am a man of God now, I am truly repentant.

Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?

Horsey, you saved my life. No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried. That's right! Awesome. Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition, Stephanie Griffin.

Now, how many of you kids out there have ever gotten bullied? Aw, come on up here and tell us about it, champ. Well, my name is Winston, and I'm quite fond of ballet. One time, I tried out for Little League in my ballet shoes, and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants.

W-w-w-Wait a second. Death? I, uh, I used to fear ya, but now I'm glad we met. Because you've given me a great gift. The complete Boz Scaggs. How did you know? I just had a feeling. We're gonna miss you, Death. Hey, Don't worry. I'll be back. really, really soon.

I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...The Mondo Twins... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Tank Top Gay Face... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Zachary... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes. You're all coming down to the station with me.

Ok, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wifE. Ok. And where are we? A bar! A pet store! Guadalajara, Mexico! Ok, ok. I heard pet store. And I'm the gruff but lovable owner. All right. Begin.

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought.

Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who.

I'm so sorry, Adam. (SOBBING) (SOBBING) I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car. (KNOCKING)

What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.

Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!

Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today. Met her on my C.B., said her name was Venie Sounded like an angel come to earth Come to earth When I went to meet her, man you should have seen her

You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks. Hey, put your wallets away, guys. The drinks are on me.

Oh--oh, Lois, run! Hey, stop!

Yeah. A lot of babes here tonight. Shut up for a couple of minutes, I'm gonna look around. Brian, you're being kind of disrespectful. Relax, baby. Hey, check your phone. I sent you something. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Is that your... Yeah. How'd you like to get hit in the face with that?

But you put me and my family through a lot of crap over the years. Why would I want to help you?

February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

- Yeah? - Hey, can you grab me another beer? Yeah. Anything else? Maybe, you know, TV Guide, you know, another pillow for your feet or something? No. Actually, you know what? Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and, you know, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could. - (STUTTERING) Try to keep the saltwater... - Yeah. We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult.

I had rehearsal for Death of a Salesman. But We're not allowed to show death at school. So now at the end, we dance around with sparklers.

And I'm supposed to blindly go along with everything you decide for the both of us?

Well, I'm sorry honey but we don't think you should see him anymore. Oh, I hate the sound of her crying.

Glenn, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving brother like you. So, are you gonna leave him? Oh, there you are!

(SIGHS) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie!

I don't know, man. Good luck to you. I'm so excited to see Santa Claus. You know what I think is really wonderful? Of all the malls in this great country of ours, he chooses to come here. Year after year. You know? I mean, who are we?

Hi. So, where are you from, Peter? I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island. LOIS: (WHOOPS) Quahog!

- Sorry, Master Herbert. - Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt. Yes, sir. I am so tired of you.

We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year. That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair?

Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper. hi, mOM. oh, Look at you all.

He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?

I am not gonna listen to you anymore. Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty.

Are you saying I asked for this to happen? You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous. Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius. Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this.

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

I understand. I had the advantage of thinking about this for years. For me, it was easy. Do I want to be happy the rest of my life or miserable? So now you're happy, and I'm miserable. I see. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Hey, boy. Boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda, and three Myrna Loys for the women. - (WOMEN GASP) - Excuse me? What the hell is your problem, you jerk? What? Does he belong to somebody else? Come on, girls, let's ditch this racist dick.

(KNOCKING) Oh, crap. It's Quagmire. I don't want him knowing about this. He's always trying to horn in on our plans.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you? Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops.

Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't. No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you. You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it.

I hope you like it. Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful!

Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and... Who the deuce are you?

This was worth the 500-mile drive.

a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story. Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn? Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons! Well, Lois, you told me to produce, and I did.

George, it's been over for a while. Really? Yeah. It's 1981. It's... Oh, oh, wow! Oh, so I'm way late. Oh, boy! Yeah. Well, you want to do something else? I got some blow. Son of a bitch! It took you this long to tell me? Break it out, man!

You know nothing of my work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing.

I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted.

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at...

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it!

Well, the court ain't here, is it?

Besides, I'm going with Lando. Really? Because my underground sources have informed me that Lando is taking Connie Demico. What? Hey, I thought you were taking me to the dance! Uh, Something suddenly came up.

Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future.

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70. Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one?

I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.

Just full-blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. (SIGHS) America.

MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that?

Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Mull! Give us the pills!

Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much. Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me. You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!

Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin'

Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam!

Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday.

Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous! Peter, Have you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise.

Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car! Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know?

(BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

Sa turda y Night Live. I can't think of anything more exciting. Oh, my God, a water fountain! Meg, I'm Jimmy Fallon. It's great to finally meet you. I'm hosting.

but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING) ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... (ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?

And that was the last we ever saw of him. Well, well, well. Who do we have here? It's me, Chris. You know me. And why are you talking like a bad guy? Listen, I saw you steal money from Mom's purse.

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life. I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here.

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner. Where do we go from here? Well, I could sign a picture for you. Yeah, sure. That'd be fine. Thank you.

All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you! Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together.

Hello, everyone!

(STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING) (SNIFFS) (SIGHS)

Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!

We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie.

- Hello. - That's not funny!

Yeah, it's not strange. I already told you, I don't care. It's not strange. I know. All right, let's see here. Now, just, uh, wrap yourself around me. Is that okay? Yeah, actually, you can hold me even tighter. Okay, I just need to put this arm (STRAINING) right around here. Yeah, there we go.

You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement!

Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me.

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much.

Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.

You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about.

That is not true, Father. Meg is wonderful. She is an outsider. She does not follow the one true path. You are not to see this girl again. Do you understand? I forbid it. (SIGHS) Yes, sir. Now come home at once. And, as for you,

Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg.

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself? And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn!

Uh, I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker. Hey-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah hey-yah, hey I'm so happy doing the neutron dance hey-yah, hey-yah, hey I'm just burning doing the neutron dance And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee. So are you gonna give me back my car, or what?

(EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in.

They'd none of them be missed

Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango & Cash. So just Pay ft Forward and we'll all be Happy Gilmore. What?

We now return to Little House on the Prairie. That's wonderful, Mary.

Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry!

Lois! I know how to get her attention. Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me! That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good!

" wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Who are they trying to keep out of these things? And what's the deal with the razor-blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there? Hi, Andy Dick here. Excuse me. I've got to get my bag up in the overhead bin here. Oh! Whoa! no! No! ahh! Ha! Ha!

I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey I just want some colored Easter eggs I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz We don't know what Christmas is! We have something else called Gishgemfloofneer!

Yeah, I can tell. You've been talking to John Davidson for half an hour. Hey, Glenn, great to meet you. John Davidson, host of That's Incredible! Oh, hey, John. I like your work... Not! QUAGMIRE: That was the first time anybody ever used that. First time, I swear to God. Glenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy. I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake.

Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin!

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy

My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today. Well, why shouldn't I be?

That's it. Ring the bell.

You know? I'll tell you who we are. The lucky ones!

Well, it may be popular, but I have to say I agree with Arianna. I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER)

Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What?

Aha! Who are you? How did you get in here? Shut up, Pelosi. Are you here to take my baby? No, I'm here to strap you to a board, put a cloth in your mouth, and pour water over it to simulate the sensation of drowning. Yeah! Traditional values!

Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to-- I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie.

Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor. I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts.

Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over and killed Mr. Shatner. Don't worry. Once I'm of this body cast, I'll do enough living for me and Bill. Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill. Haven't you guys learned anything?

Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie. That's preposterous. I haven't-- Oh, There it is. All right. Stop the car! Over there.

I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake. There were only 2 left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples. WeLl, Gather round, everyone. It's time for Stewie's big moment.

So, why would you be a good candidate on The Bachelorette? I would be perfect for your show... because I know how to talk dirty to the ladies. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good.

That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah!

QUAGMIRE: Hey, what's going on? You guys up to something? Shh. Kids, don't move. QUAGMIRE: (TURNING KNOB AND KNOCKING) Hello?

Hey, you want to see a sweet porn website? Follow me upstairs. I know what you're thinking, "Whoever heard of an erotic Chinese?" But there it is. All right. Let's try this again. (WHIRRING)

Well, Lois, I think I have little bit of "me work" to do. But I'm feeling things, and that's a start. Oh, That's wonderful. You know, like most other people, I used to think therapy was only for crazies and nut jobs. Isn't that silly? Hey Lois, I... Hey, Brian.

He's been so weird lately. You notice now that he's bald, whenever he thinks about something, he scratches his wrist? Hey, Quagmire, we got a pitcher. You want a beer? Eh, I don't think so. I was planning on looking at pictures of birds later, and I don't want to be all fuzzy-headed for that. Listen, Quagmire, we hate you now. Yeah, you used to be fun.

BOY: You're welcome. Stewie, what are you doing? You can't open Meg's gifts. Hey. These are mine. You hear me? Mine. Oh, God. Not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day. I'm entitled to these things, Lois, especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.

Pelican's Reef, huh? Then, that's where I'll go. 'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge. Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

Yeah. Oh, God. Nobody move. What is it? Nothing. Nothing. I'll get it.

Okay, I'm expecting a very important delivery at the house. So, could you please call me if it arrives? I'll give you my cell number. Okay. Yes. No problem. Give me number. Okay. 401-555-1125. Four... Four, zero...

Hey, This house looks kind of familiar. I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian! All right, Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from... Oh, my God! Uh, Hey, you guys! Hey, Brian? Can I be in the movie? WEll, actually, One of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up.

You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

He had a dream and he made it happen. That's what the Wright brothers did. So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing? Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind. And who cares? He's probably off in a barn somewhere working on a contraption - with that weird brother of his. Ew. (BOTH GIGGLING) ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch.

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies, but one passenger had survived, gone home and mercilessly beat his wife.

Corner of Tatooine Way and Martin Luther King Boulevard. Hi, Artoo! You wanna come play? CLEVELAND: Sure! Here I am on Tatooine Jumping Double Dutch like you never seen I know my way around a rope LOIS: Help me, Obi-Wan You're my only hope CONSUELA: Yes?

Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido. What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity.

Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay? (GROANING) If one more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream. What time is it? Peter, what are you doing? Get back in bed. I can't, Lois. I got the bowling tournament this afternoon. Quagmire and Joe are counting on me.

Peter, not now. What the hell, Lois? Yesterday you were all over me. And then, for a confusing period, inside of me. I had no control over what I did yesterday, Peter. I mean, I'm glad you're feeling better, but, boy, that sick voice of yours was hot. Damn it, this sucks, Brian. I was getting laid left and right.

Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Mom, can I get lipo, too? Forget it, Meg.

Without Rupert, I... Are you watching porn in the kitchen? Come on, man, we eat in here.

Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert.

(LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands! Nice job, man! Wow! That was really brilliant. Thanks. Just glad this nightmare is over.

You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once. Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.

Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these. Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera.

Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything.

But... Well, wait, I... I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma. Right, no, no... Uh. I was talking about a different movie. Let's play ball! Yeah, let's play ball. PETER: Ow!

Hey, easy there. All right, look, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I misread a few of Meg's signals. Sorry I bothered you. Excuse me, Lois, I have to go make a phone call. (DIALING) Hey, wheely stupid head, I heard you think Meg likes you.

- Bite. - Hmm. Bite. - Mosquito. - Ah, yes. Good one. - Uh, mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit.

Hands in the air, Goldman!

I understand. Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see. Let me ask you a question. You ever sit on your arm till it falls asleep and then play with yourself and pretend like somebody else is doing it? Honestly, yes. Not anymore you don't, 'cause you're going out with my daughter.

Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia. She's doing fun things for me, for money. Oh, my God.

I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead. Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope. That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name.

She is so jealous. Of course, I'm beautiful.

I guess I just always thought that was normal. But Papa Tom is so different. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a real family, you know? I mean, I'm not just going through the motions like I do around here. Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little? (LAUGHING) Yeah. And what does a chicken say? "Moo." (LAUGHS) Why not?

must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God! Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. I'm talking about that!

You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!

You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know a little bit about who I am. Thanks for the milk, Carl.

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, shut up-a with the noise-a. Hey, shut up-a with the shut up-a.

So, Lois is seeing old boyfriends, huh? well, 2 can play at that game. I just gotta find my little black book.

This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. He may even be downright, well, stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him.

So, you know, believe me, I hear loud and clear where you're... Wait a second! No, I won't talk to her! And I want you to stay the hell away from her! Peter, it's me, Quagmire. This is what I do. Besides, Meg is 18 now, and you've gotta let go.

STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Morning theater fans! Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. What the hell is this? French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now. Lois, if this is your idea of a joke,

Oh Peter. (Lois) Hang on. (PETER) Shazzam! (LOIS) Oh, Good for you. My God. How could they do this to me?

You boys are fugitives of my county, and I'm gonna take you back.

Where the hell is he going? He's gone.

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

Good Lord! Who is that? That's Lady Redbush and her husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson.

(CHUCKLES) No, Glenn, I'm here with Thelma. Who's Thelma? This is Thelma. Ew!

This is not the way out! This is not the way out! Hey, Horace, get that wiener out of your hand and give us three more beers over here! (CHUCKLES) Lois, you're always giving me the business. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, I meant to tell you guys. We shot some drug dealer this morning,

Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.

Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

(GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch. (CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING)

but I must say this. I'm ever so content. Oh, I am too, Rodginald. Do you think perhaps one day, if we should marry, that I could sit beside you?

on which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

And, you know, she's game for it, but she catches feelings midway through and the whole thing changes. Wow, have you seen Cocktail? Yeah, yeah. She was in that. - She was in that. - Yeah.

it hurts to pee There'll be blood gushing from you every time that you cough And forget gettin' lucky It falls off

But when I saw the movie, it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's, she hadn't eaten anything in a year. WHoo! I am such a bitch!

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh!

Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party.

Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty! Chris, you big beautiful man, I'm so glad you came.

No. I'm not. You know what? I'm a damn good fathER. And I have great kids. That's not what Grandpa says. Well, Grandpa is wrong. Meg, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys. Thanks, Daddy.

and their husbands fly anywhere for free! Fly for free? Sorry, Tink, looks like I don't need you anymoRE. So, what? you're just gonna dump me, just like that? You knew what this waS.

Now Let's get the hell out of here. Wait A second. Where are you going? The old bag only paid us up through the song. We can just pick up after ourselves. After all, we'll only be here on weekends. No, No, Lois. It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are. That's PewterschmidT! W-w-Wait, you guys. You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants.

You don't know the characters. If you could hear yourself right now, you would not stop throwing up. You can't just put He-Man in Transformers' world, all right? He wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia, and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension. He can just take his rocket ship. Get out of here.

Get ready to land.

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Dad, what's that? I think I hear music. Oh, that's the little people, Chris. They're playing music so that I will bless them with food. (FAINT CHEERING) Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again.

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Oh, boy. He's out cold. Hey, let's write on him.

DamN! Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future. We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig? Marty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch. Damn! Brother done kissed his mama!

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES)

Come on. Keep pushing, kids. We're almost there! I'm feeling nauseous. I think I got altitude sickness. Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle. (GASPS) I can see the top of the mountain. Let's move it!

If you're asking if they can see, yes. And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh...

Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people.

I bet it tastes good,

(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING) Well, this was quite an adventure. Yeah, it's good to be back in familiar territory. (GUNS COCKING)

Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Now let's hear your fake laugh. How was your date, you guys? Lois, it was wonderful. I wish it didn't have to end. Well, it's not over yet. What do you mean? You're right, Carol. It was a wonderful date. And I want to have a million more,

All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? Just one! You! I'm just kidding. But French toast, please. Oh, Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife!

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone. Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you. Oh, no one had a motive, Lois?

Oh, I'll leave you to grieve. Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches? Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game.

They're coming too fast! A nickel for every time I've had that problem. Just keep shooting, Luke.

This trip is about men being men. We will drive after a couple of beers and not make a big federal case about it. We're gonna sneeze and not put our hand over shit. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop us! Yeah. Okay with me. - Sure. - Fine. That'll be nice. It'll give us a chance to have some girl time. Oh, all right, then. Where are you boys going?

I--i--I gotta hit more balls at this fat kid. Peter, do you mind if Kevin and I... Nail Chris? He'd be thrilled. Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards! I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee! Sheesh, Cleveland, your kid's a natural.

Hey--hey--Hey, calm down. Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives.

oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent.

Damn right I do! Now, get this turd-filled sack off... Oh, my God, it just went back in my body. Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter? You smell that? He's passed out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right. Hi, boys. I didn't have my hands down my pants.

Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful?

Did you get a packet from HR when you started working there? Mmm-hmm. Okay, I'll take that as a yes. And I'm pretty certain you know what I want you to do with it. (STRAINING) Okay, you think you can fit anything else in your mouth? Uh-uh. All right, so now let's start filling up some other places.

Can you count to 3?

At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave in a century. That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report.

You're an idiot.

Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.

But how can you be having an affair?

You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you You're so vain You're so vain

Dad, the doctor called. Your test results are in. This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all. My--My nephew drew my portrait. It doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, Look at the nose. It's all-- Will you just tell us about Peter's tests?

Well, it's my pleasure, Lois. Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely.

I'm making a legitimate point about how poorly this family treats me. Brian, you can't say this family doesn't treat me like crap. Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up. (STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right. Well, it's one or the other, Brian.

Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible. You're not gonna get away with this, Mr. Googlesearch. Oh, but I think that I will. You two know my secret. I must be sure no one ever finds out the truth.

What else is in the news? Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz, you hear about this? This guy Bernie Goetz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him with me next time I go see my mother-in-law. No, but really, New York City's a great place to live, if you're a cockroach. MAN: You suck! I know.

Dad, my favorite hen laid this crazy-looking egg! Cheep-cheep.

That was a lovely service, Francis. Super. And only 3 more hours till school. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me? I rather like this God fellow.

This is quite a country, Brian.

But your father's bringing in the old TV. Hey, Meg. Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS)

I'm so sorry, Adam. (SOBBING) (SOBBING) I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car. (KNOCKING)

That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you. Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh! What are you doing? Now Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms.

Let's go stand over near Brian, and we'll take a drink every time he says "bonerific". "Bonerific"? Yeah, it's his catch phrase. He says it all the time. Yeah, sure. I'm in. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. (CHUCKLING) Hey, hey, Brian, how you feeling tonight? Good. Having a nice time.

I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free! Free? I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me... not because you have to.

For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp. Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way.

Let me hear your war cry!

Then we could just fly around on a dragon and forget about all this. You know what? That's exactly what we should do.

Eh. Clash of the Titans' owl was worse. So, you're from Greece? I've always wanted to go there. What's it like?

And people walking by Can stop and look at my thing Oh, this is one fine day Liberal chubby chaser! (LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...

We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this.

What do you mean? Well, I mean, it's not like you killed a person, or even ran over somebody's mailbox. Killing a dog is not a crime? (LAUGHING) Of course not. Yeah, especially for you. An animal killing another animal. That happens all the time.

PETER: I need to go find a screwdriver and some lighter-fluid. BRIAN: What? Come on! (SCREAMS) BRIAN: Damn it!

Oh! Oh, God. I really hope there's a hungry horse back there. (RINGING)

(SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay. (SNORING) Peter, wake up!

(PANTING) Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them! I'm trying, sir. You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack, or this entire platoon is gonna scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes. Oh, come on, Brian! Don't screw us, Griffin!

Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up?

Well, there you go. Everything's fine. Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake. You're saying all those guys in their powdery wigs and their pilgrim hats and their big gross wives were wrong? Man, they'd have to be stupider than you are when you fart yourself awake. (FARTS) (EXCLAIMS) What the... What... Who's there? What's going on?

We got to get them out. They'll die down there.

Dad's starting his own TV station, but I'm not supposed to tell Mom because she's just gonna bitch him out. What the hell do you expect to accomplish with this? I'm saving television, Lois. Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Kids, from now on this is where we'll celebrate the Sabbath. Peter, this is all unnecessary. Our life was fine the way it was. Check it out. I'm one of you guys now, huh? I'm Jewish! Yeah! Holocaust! We're number one! Look at all these short, hairy men.

RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

I--I liked you the way you were. You're not even real anymore. You're-- Peter, Did you get a new buttocks? I had to. My old one had a crack in it. Well, I couldn't be more angry with you. ohhh! YOu... You really let this family down. We should be embracing the things God gave us.

Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh, Sean Hayes... Oh, You get the picture.

It's my first house. I'm not very good at this. Hello.

My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell?

Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable. I hate vegetables.

They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

Some of those cats go on to get pretty good jobs.

Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on. This government's FCC is trying to take all the farts away from television! And all the sex, and all the nudity, and all the poop. Well, I say it's wrong.

This is no cave. What?

maybe it would be easier if we gave each other names. That's a great idea. Hey, maybe my name is on this collar. "Cremate, don't bury." Okay, that's a downer. You know what? I'm gettin' a feeling about my name. I think my name might be Shirt Pants. Shirt Pants? What kind of name is that? I don't know. What's your name?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Um, the Iron Sheik? Okay. He is one of us. I told you. Look at him, he is the perfect man to help us blow up the Quahog Bridge. (IMITATES CAR ENGINE) (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Ah! Oh, my God. Everybody down. (IMITATES GUN FIRING) So are these toys just, like, to take?

Stop with this!

You must be Peter. Joe Swanson. Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, Phil. You got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too. So, don't think you always have to bug me. I'll keep that in mind. Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow? Man, you neighbors are like viruses. Starts with a screwdriver. Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman.

(SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you!

What? Now just hold on, Quagmire. If you start yapping to the cops, we're gonna rot in prison for the next 30 years. JOE: Evening, gentlemen. (ALL GASP) Joe! Glad I found you here. I had a question for you guys. Did any of you happen to be at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire? No. None of us were. I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets.

What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week?

Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch. May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card? (LAUGHS) Hey, Lois. Diamond Jim Brady over here just asked if we accept the Discover card. LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive club called "anybody."

I haven't had a drink in three days. But our car broke down. We can't go anywhere until it gets fixed. I have arranged to have that taken care of. This ride's gonna be so frustrating. - I know. These horses are so slow. - Sexy. Sexy.

Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise, I'll pay and everything.

Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.

- Talk to anyone interesting? - No, not really. Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me. My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING) PETER: Brown house.

You hear that, Meg? For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom. Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet.

Boys, please. You used to be so close. Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together. Wow. We just finished off what was left in the kitchen. When I think back, of all the food we've wasted in this house...

It might even beat graduating from chiropractor school. Robert Baker. Brad O'Bannon. Anyone.

Hey, Chris, could we talk to you? If you're gonna insult me again, just go away. Look, honey, we're sorry, and we want to do something special for you. This is a Hamilton Beach blender we got on our wedding day. It keeps coming back to us in a vicious re-gifting cycle. No, Peter. Chris, we were thinking of sending you to camp. And we're going to let you choose which one.

Is anything missing? No. I don't think sO. Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape?

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Look out the window and think of death, kids. It's coming. Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Peter! I had a juice before we left.

Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?

Ah, I'm glad. It seems like everybody's having a lot of fun. So, How long are you and your family in town? Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah. No conversation. You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again! Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

(EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING) Where the hell is Quagmire? I don't know. He said improv rehearsal at 7:00, right? Yeah, where is Quagmire? I haven't seen him all day.

Why? I agree with you. All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance, and that's just wrong.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down.

than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say...

And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

(STUTTERING) We know that you killed Lois. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? No.

Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man,

We will emerge as the dominant people! And it's all 'cause of you guys. You know what? You guys, with your marching, and your letters, and your phone calls... This--This is all thanks to you. You--You made this happen, you guys. You know... My God. Give yourselves a round of applause. Come on. You deserve it. You deserve it.

Heh. Nice little body on her, huh? That's my daughter. Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh? Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue,

I'm just making sure Stewie is nice and clean for his trip to the playground this afternoon. We had a little bit of a problem earlier because Bitch Stewie was stooling in the tub, wasn't he? I did some poos. I did some poos. I didn't mean to. But we've rectified that now and everything's fine. This is really weird. I mean, it's one thing to have him help you out with a busy schedule. It's another thing to let him wash your back.

You know what? Forget it. I think Brian just got in my head a bit. That's all. Brian? Why? What did Brian say?

Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home. Meg, you made a friend. What a lovely house, Mrs. G. Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart. Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice. You know what's nice? Having a friend like Meg.

A beautiful performance from "Brain" Griffin! Go, Brian!

What? What's going on? I don't get it. Man, I got to work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh? What?

Highway to hell You are banished from our community at once! And take your whore daughter with you!

So, hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see

Hey, boys. You having a midnight snack? Hmm. Mmm-hmm. I'm just gonna grab something, too, and go back to bed alone again. Night. You know, Lois has gotten kind of fat since you guys stopped having sex.

And I'm willing to give up one of my kidneys. Oh, my God, Dr. Hartman, you'd do that for us? Well, the truth is you folks are my only remaining patients. I couldn't afford to lose two of you. What do you mean, two of us? Well, chances are Peter never would have survived the surgery. I mean, I mean, dog kidneys? I'm not even sure dogs have kidneys.

STEWIE: Are you proud of yourself, that this is what you do? Is this a dime? Did you swallow a dime? STEWIE: Yeah, wipe it off and put it back in your purse, you white trash hen.

Huh? Did I tell ya, Lois? Oh, that's beautiful, Peter. She's taking care of that kitten like it's her own. Yep, I knew eventually she'd stop tearin' 'em in half.

- Can you move your legs? - Yeah!

Oh, Hold on. Ya! Ya!

and I want more of those days. Please, Jillian, I love you.

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller. All right, stand back. This could be dangerous.

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.

I'm going to sign it with all capital letters. It's going to say, "ADAM WEST." That's what it's going to say, you'll see. Hey, buddy, you can't go in there. (PANTING) Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten thousand signatures. I've been up for 24 hours, I paid off a few people and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of.

Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room!

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, Lois. Hi, Glenn. We just thought we'd come by and see how Peter was doing. Yeah, has he gotten any better? I'm afraid not.

Uh, uh, Let's see. Uh... Hey, that was pretty good. But when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just "Me llamo Brian." Oh, You speak English. No, Just that first speech. And this one explaining it. You--You're kidding, right?

Good-bye, Pearl. Hey, Who wants to see a dead body?

No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk. Good morning, everybody. Brian, I have something to say. I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with your age. Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it. Fantastic. And to help us forget about it,

- What did I just say? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, look, just relax. You're my husband and I love you, so just put Jerome out of your head. Get him out of my life is more like it. Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died. Yeah, that happened, like, 12 years ago.

No, no, no, no, no. What the hell? Mom! Mom, it's me! Mom! Oh, yeah, it's a baby. It's a big balloon baby, just like you're a baby. No, it's me! It's a balloon of me! Peter, come look at this.

Wait a second, hang on there.

It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois?

Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters? Stewie, it's gonna be fine. Look, here's our first house. There you go. A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you.

And he needs me. Meg, you're fooling yourself. It's classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome. You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection. But think about it, Meg. You two have nothing in common. You know, you're right, Mom. I hear you loud and clear.

No! I think I can hear the ocean. Smell it, too. All right, what do I do?

Stay here in limbo. No, no, No, wait--Wait. I don't want to be in limbo! Ok. It says the next note will be right under my nose. And they're off! And quick out in front, Silver Dasher,

Wake me up before you go-go Don 't lea ve me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go And take me dancing tonight

It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg? Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we're working together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me! What's that? Give it to me, Neil! Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil! Yeah. That'll work just fine. Hey, look who's here, diane.

Peter, are you crazy? What did you say?

Well, look, we'd be happy to help in any way we can.

He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history, I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently create it. So the universe never existed! But why didn't we disappear?

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in. It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family.

His folksy racism, his l-don't-care-where-l-am flatulence.

What food can't make up its mind? This is gonna be good. (LAUGHING) A waffle. (BOTH LAUGHING) This one. Didn't I warn you, right? Right?

Yeah? Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, like--like Jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and--and if you were cool with it, then, uh, you know,

I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

(PLANE ENGINES WHIRRING)

Hey, JoE! The van's gone!

(SCREAMS) You know... (CELL PHONE RINGING) This is Brian. Brian, this is Wellesley Shepherdson. I'm calling from The New Yorker. Perhaps you've heard of us? (CHORTLING) Yeah, of course I've heard of you. I was using The Daily Shopper to shoo away a homeless person, and I saw your article. We'd love to talk to you about becoming a contributor. Why don't you come by tomorrow?

I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month. We'll be his period. I was just upstairs and there's a half-dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy. Uh-huh. So I guess we're just looking the other way, huh?

Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans?

(GROANS) Hey, you got a good hand guy, right?

I don't know, boys. He's in rough shape. Doctor, you've got to do something for him. It's Christmas Eve! Christmas is the problem. He can't keep this pace up anymore. If he goes out tonight, he'll die.

A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS?

Except for that time Moby-Dick stayed with us. Do you have any Raisin Bran? Uh, oh, no, sorry. (SIGHS) Well, can you go get me some? Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together. I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran.

Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet. Hey, You're getting some looks yourself. Ah, i--I'm not ready either.

As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art, and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay? (GRUNTING)

and do mouth stuff on me, even though it's been a day-and-a-half since I've showered, and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids. Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie?

I left a note on his windshield. What is wrong with you?

You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough!

Munich was the home of many great writers such as Thomas Mann. You will find more on Germany's contribution to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided.

I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING)

We're mopping the deck which is Navy for "floor" And when we're done mopping we'll mop it some more "Swab" means "mop" "deck" means "flooR"

Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina,

Oh, yeah. - Brian. - Ida. Two more, please. So I finally tell them, "Hey, I came here to be at the seminar, not run it." (BOTH LAUGHING) That's...

So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this.

Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle. (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...triple-dog-dare.

What about the reindeer? (GROWLING) Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards. Now let's get down the chimney.

Yeah. She's got Down's Syndrome.

He's the whole reason I'm here. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son!

Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.

Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice!

Get out! This is a part just for the men!

Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot. Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank.

Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion.

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe. We're exactly alike, you and I. Now we can be together. My God, we have to get you to the hospital.

I've been watching Jolly Farm with Stewie for the last three hours. That's not Stewie, that's a pineapple. Oh, my God, where is Stewie? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fine. Peter, he's a baby. You can't leave him alone. Come on, it's good to have some alone time. You know, I spent a year alone on a desert island with nothing but a monkey to keep me company.

The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

Ha! That's my dad! No one dances like Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire. Dad, this is Joe and Peter.

Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down!

Okay, just get your pants off, hon. Stop right there! Get away from her! Peter? Who are you? How'd you get in here? Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty! Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man. Old man?

What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.

For crying out loud, just drink this. And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some!

Oh, no! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a... Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk. Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard,

Look, kids. Here's your father in People magazine with Jim Carrey. And they're both "Smokin'!" I loved that in Mask. "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!"

Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon. What? He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving. All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready. Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing? Never mind that, let's just get going.

Now, perhaps some young gentleman would like to light me up. Allow me. So, what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing or what?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what, the real storm's in here.

I think that's everything. CLEVELAND: You want me to double check? I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training, which will address how to deal with a crazed drug user.

Too much walking. Too much noise. You can't have any good conversation. Not like at Chili's. Where else? Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

All right, guys, the next flight to El Paso leaves in 40 minutes. But Briggs is ahead of us. Won't he already be there? No, he'd never risk going through an airport. Too many cops, too many cameras, too much security. I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked.

You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie. Aw, Don't cry, sweetheart. I'll--I'll make it up to you. You remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well, I bought him. And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise!

LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

Hi, honey. WhaT? Lois, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter. Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight. No problem. We got money to get that fixed,

Well, good night, Brian. Wait. Is Peter not coming to bed? No. He's active at night because it's cooler. (RUSTLING AND GRUNTING) Damn it, he's in the garbage again.

You want me to drag my sack across your face?

BOY: Come on down, Stewie!

All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Brian's gonna be so mad at me. What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right. I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents. Unattractive women do it all the time. You look pretty today, Carol. Thanks. It's probably just the dress and the makeup. Now that I look closer, yeah, I think that's what it is, too.

Well, you're gonna think I'm an awful person, but I'm attracted to another man. Giggity? It's Meg's boyfriend, Anthony. (DISAPPOINTEDLY) Giggity... It's just that, lately, Peter's been making me feel so crappy about my age, and... Well, then I'm around Anthony and he looks at me like I'm young and attractive.

and my parents wanted her to start a new life. But my sister, Mary, shot herself in the face, and that's when I decided that she would live on through me. For I am not who you think I am. I am not little Mary Sunflower, daughter of Bradley and Theresa Sunflower. No, I'm not.

Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing,

'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying,

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS)

In Texas, we execute the retarded! Oh, my God. So, this is how it ends? I always thought I'd die having to sit through the Canadian Film Festival. I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned. Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away. Well, have fun. You two are a really cute couple. Hey, Desiree.

All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.

I am going to kick... your... aSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Okay, that one might have been more of a visual, but you feel that feeling you got right now? That's satisfaction. You just read something. And no one can take that away from you. Proud of you.

so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Aah! I did it! I got a great story! So, What did your editor say? He was gone for the day. I just left it on his desk. But here. I brought you a copy. Oh, my God! "Corruption in City Hall." This is amazing. Here. Let me see that.

Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y." If you'll turn to Page 34 of your blue books,

Come on. Come on. Go away! We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh.

ANGELA: All I want to do is please you, Griffin. Well that was a good idea you had dunking your hand in the toilet. Oh, my God! I wouldn't have sex with Angela! She's disgusting! Not when you're drunk, she's not. All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what. I'm gonna show you that, too.

Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do. (CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been

but let's press "play" and find out, huh? You can't get them things wet, by the way, but don't worry, this don't affect that.

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

I faked all my orgasms.

Mr. Griffin, do you have anything to say in your defense... as to why this court should return custody of your children to you? Your Honor, I would like to call to the stand my surprise witness... The Ghost That Never Lies. But I'm the only one who can see him and hear him... so I'll let everyone know what he's saying and doing.

Sweetie, that's tuna salad.

He-hee. Yeah! Look, you--you guys got it all wrong. I--i--i... I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God. I need help! Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is.

Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

Hi, Peter. I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight. Peter and I are going to see Zapped. I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him, and no one would be gay.

Wait a minute. Chris, are you clapping? Yeah! - So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot. You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours. Well, get pissy if you want, Mom. I've enjoyed the time we've had as a family.

I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to... ...here with your BS. Oh, he's really had it this time. I'm sorry, Louie! All right, then.

I've never seen so many chicks in one place. Hey, hey. Check out those 2 hotties. They're so lonely, they're practicing kissing each other. I don't think they're practicing. Oh. oh! ah! Oh.

Here's 50 bucks. I'm taking this album.

I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable. Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!

Uh, there are a lot of people waiting. Is there anything else? Uh, yes. Do you have a garbage can back there? I have the backings to some Fruit Roll-Ups I need to discard. I'm sorry. That's for library trash only. I understand. That's okay. I'll just hold on to these for the rest of the day. It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song. Is that all? Yeah.

Hey, Peter. in case you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"!

Get him, guys! Stab him in the butt! Okay, bye, you guys. I'm leaving now. Peter, tell me again why you're going to Montreal? Hey, do I give you the third degree every time you go for one of those luxurious mammograms? Dad, why can't we all go? Because somebody's got to stay here and round up all these rattlesnakes.

Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here. Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!

Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit. Like, uh, Like this? Ah, Here, let me get it.

Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it. But Brian, I love you! (LOUDLY SOBBING) Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Stabbed in the Butt, the only game show where if you get the answer wrong, you get stabbed in the butt. All right, Bradley, here's your question. What is the atomic weight of nitrogen? Get him, guys! Stab him in the butt!

You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!

Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream. But I remember it so-- It was a dream! Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip? Sure, sweetheart.

Yes, and Jerome made scones. Would you like one?

How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad!

What do you think? Turn around. - I don't think so. - Okay. - You lend me money? - No. You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? No! No, I'm not doing that. I stick finger in your mouth? Housekeeping? Okay. Okay.

A bitch. Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power.

Where are you fine gentlemen from? We are European, from the United Coloreds of Benetton. But you don't sound like you're from Europe. Is that so? Well, perhaps I should take my thong elsewhere. Well, let's not be hasty. Your Majesty, won't you please join me as my personal guests in the Barrington Room?

If I were you, I'd look for a new friend. A kindred spirit, like Judas found in Pontius Pilate. You know, sometimes, I feel like someone should just crucify Jesus of Nazareth. Crucify Jesus of Nazareth. - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Shut up. - No, you shut up. - I'm Judas. - Pontius.

I know, it... Wait. Where's the other me? Oh, um... What? Where is the Stewie you came with?

No. You know what? This is my own fault for listening to you. I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

What is this? Spit Soup? Tomato bisque. What is this? Snot Soup? Tomato bisque! What is this? Diarrhea soup?

I wish there was some way I could have prevented this. It wasn't your fault, Mayor West. There's nothing you could have done. To be honest, I don't remember a thing, except how much I love the Michael Jackson Thriller video. Boy, could that guy dance. Guy dance? Guidance! Source programmable guidance! We can reprogram and disarm the missile from here.

Thanks, you guys. That was really cool. Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? Ah! You folks got a towel? Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight? Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune?

Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad!

Please. Please. We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy?

Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year! That sounds terrific. How about you, kids? I would like a pair of skates Then I'd go out skating But I really don't know how to skate!

No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama. MALE ANNOUNCER: What happens when a 40-year-old woman asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby? Push, Angie, push! Push harder... Oh, it's dead. Brian, when you have to go to these lengths just to get away with smoking pot, it's time to make a change.

Go right ahead. Hey there, little fellow. What's that around your neck? Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.

Kids, come in here! Your father's got something to say. Look, I know you kids ain't too happy with your dad right now, but I hope at least you can see that I'm trying. I know sometimes we don't get along with each other.

Excuse me? I said, "May I have a blanket?" Oh, yes. Of course. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes, so now it is official. Let me touch your face!

And so do they, sir. Hurry it up! (HORN HONKING) Wait a second. Now get in line, you!

if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter!

Ooh, look at that. "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year."

Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.

What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?

I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Ok, you can go to jail with him!

It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah! Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this.

Ha! This ought to knock her down a couple notches.

Hey! Hey, Armey. Hey--hey, What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"? Nah, I'm kidding, you guys. Hey--hey, Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar. Yeah, okay. OH, Great. That sounds good.

I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, where's the captain? I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning. Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the sunshine? Are you ready for... (ALL CHEERING) You dirty... (LAUGHING) This is gonna be the best summer ever.

Now, this is a loaded handgun. And what we're gonna do now is kill ourselves because this is horrible. Couldn't we just stop philateling? Too late. (GUN FIRES) All right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence, drinking. Hey, hey, good times just walked in.

(IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad."

Peter, answer mE! YEah, I did! And They made me president. Of the whole company? All right, Dad! You shoulda seen the way they were treatin' me. I've never gotten that kind of respect before. Great workout, Bobby. Up yours, sack breath! That's "Mr. Griffin." But, Peter, why would they make you President?

Great practice, Lois. We are totally ready for that talent show. Oh, my God, Peter, I am so wasted. All I want to do is make cookies. (GASPS) Oh, my God, I have a great idea. Let's make cookies.

Listen to him, Bertram! It's true! Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad. The resulting explosion was the big bang. So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist. Worth it!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack!

(SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God.

Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um, uh, skills. And... And? You know, I got to be honest with you.

I'm here for you.

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

(CRACKLING) Well, here we are, Rupert, Quahog's Summer of Love. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) GIRL: Ball, please.

I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois. Peter, I'm only asking you to do your share. Well, it's getting on my nerves.

Ah, I'm hungry. What do we got? Let's see. Eye drops, baking soda and some film. OLD MAN: Close the door. You're running up long distance charges!

Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!

I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.

And then we're gonna bury you in the yard next to Kathy Ireland. I mean... I mean, nice weather we're having.

Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. You're so fatherly. It really turns me on. STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers.

Brian, do you like children?

What the hell? So am I.

Dad, It's not easy. See, I gotta twist on his head and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket. Any of you kids want to see a dead body? Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter. Um, Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad.

Where's the damn pull string? Ah.

Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome to our home. So, what? She's like your mom or something? Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?

(LION ROARS) (GASPS) Mountain lion. Make yourself look big! (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? There's a bunch of bulldozers out there.

How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while?

Well, I... Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots!

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Facts of Life. Hey, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something? What is it, Jo? Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other? What? Well, I try to keep them separated, but I woke up this morning and they were sort of together. I just didn't know. Is that okay? You have both?

Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. I hurt myself changing this tire!

Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

You love the Middle Ages, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir!

Great. See you then.

Well, maybe they'd never know it's gone. Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew!

Come on, Lois. Those-- Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I--I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh! You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber!

One, two... Lois, stay down. Don't get up. You've got nothing to prove. ...five, six... You get up, you die! (SNARLING) I've had enough of you!

You know, when you talk, you sound a lot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt. Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine. Here's my urine sample, Doctor. Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hi, Peter. You know, Peter says we sound alike. Really? I don't hear it. - Actually, I think I do hear it now. - Really? Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interaction, so I've never noticed it. Hey, I think I hear it, too.

Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh! This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go...

Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.

You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah.

Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives. Aw, I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kind of rooting against him. We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone.

Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking?

I see you. But, Mom, it could change my life! Meg, for the last time, you're not gettin' plastic surgery. Why not? It's totally safe. A lot of famous people have done it.

Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings. I love Wings.

Give it to me, Neil!

(SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down,

I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts, wet farts Your farts, I like farts, if you've got heart Oh, I've got heart Let's hear those farts How do I start? Well, Peter, I will help you Get your fartin' started

Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise.

Here's your iPod, so you can listen to The Streaks while you gasp for air. The Strokes. Right. Boy, this was a better acquisition than I thought. We may even be able to put in some sorghum this year.

Okay, then apologize. - I just did. - No, you didn't. You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle. Okay, okay, there it is again. What the hell? Stop with that! You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way.

Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!

Yes, you're probably right, Brian. Such scum. I'll bet they target young girls the way Army commercials target minorities. Hey, other black guys. It ain't so bad. Oh, my God, Stewie! There he is!

Thank you. I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay. Wait! I have a time machine. You do?

M-Mom, are we on T.V. right now?

What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey!

Brian, come here. I want you to hear my presidential address for St. Rupert's Day. I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed. Screw off. I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws. Just take a look, will you? (SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely. I mean, look at this.

Sure, you don't now. But keep at it. You'll get the hang of it. By the end of that pack, you'll be smoking like a real pro. Like a cool kid. Yeah, that's it. Getting smoother, isn't it? - Yeah. - Oh, yeah! Wait till you try it after a meal. Delicious! And after sex? Forget about it. It's like putting your penis to sleep in a feather bed. I think I may want more cigarettes. I'll get you more cigarettes.

No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

Hey, who was that fat chick sneaking out of here this morning? Oh, that was someone I met from class. Bettina. Ooh, that's way too fancy a name for her. Her name should be "Thud" or "Oof."

Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh! I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh? Yeah. And La Isla Bonita, not a real place. I looked it up. Couldn't find it. - Bought a globe. Couldn't find it. - Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too. - She's awful. - Awful, awful woman. " agree, yeah. And she's a whore. - Oh yeah, big time. - Oh, everybody. Canseco?

Peter! You've been eating my legs?

Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it. Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please. Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson. Sh-sh-she's new.

As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob.

Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Oh, ColecoVision. Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.

(JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

Brian, how could you get us all worked up like that? Yeah, shame on you! Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. You are gonna get it when I drink. What the hell's going on? Last night, Carter was on his deathbed, and now he looks better than he ever did. Well, they say laughter is the best medicine. Maybe he went to a comedy club or something.

Did somebody say pie? It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky And they'll tell you real sweet With a musical tweet

I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy. I'm gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some more exercise.

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

Is somebody out there?

Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel? My house burned down. Oh. Why are you naked? Naked? But everybody's been telling me I'm wearing magnificent robes made from the finest silk.

Damn government! Tell me I can't build a pool on my own land. and After my grandfather helped create one of this country's most beloved cartoon characters. Ok. We've narrowed it down to 2 possible names.

(ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING)

Hi, I'm Peter. You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle. As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger. Why? Because I don't do drugs. Took me five minutes to get to White Castle. I didn't get diverted by all those crazy high jinks.

which comes to $50. I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. D-d-Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks, while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation? Hey, Peter, you can't drink that outside. Y-You could end up in jail. And Not the good jail like on Cinemax. The "man" jail.

Oh, God, what happened to my baby. Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe this! ...what a cavity search is.

This--This is, like, the '90s, man.

I didn't tell anyone. You... You didn't?

Listen to you! You don't know your own kids. That's the problem. It's not them, it's you. Me? Yes, you! And you know what? You've hurt your kids worse than any black hole could. Lois, you're overreacting. This'll all blow over by tomorrow.

Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay? (GROANING) If one more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream.

I really like this restaurant. You seem to like everything. Brian, you're acting a little distant. Yeah, get whatever you want. Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here. Oh, hey, Quagmire.

He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.

Damn it! Damn it! (QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

MAN: On the next episode ofDeadwood. undefinedAnything yet? Wo, you? Nope. MAN: Next Deadwood. Chris, what're you all dressed up for? These are my back-to-school clothes. I start high school tomorrow.

(SNIGGERS) Still drinking. Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon? (SLURPING STOPS) Oh! All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst.

(GROANS) Stop it! Stop it! Get off my husband! Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing?

After years of study, I've discovered the secret to longer life in canines. And that secret is-- We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time. Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink 2 days ago! oh, I'll fix your sink, Miss Romano.

Here, baby. I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about.

All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini.

Oh, God. An angry mob. I've got to swallow all my valuables and get out of here. Did you see the mob?

I--i heard you sing Habanera. You were sublime. You--You liked my aria? I was overwhelmed. You're the first person who ever complimented my Habanera. Thank you. Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going. I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow. But you're not scheduled tomorrow. I know.

That jerk! How could he desert us? Relax, Quagmire, he's just doing his job. You'll forgive him. Just like Kathleen Turner forgave her mirror. Sorry. Turns out you were right about me.

I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore.

You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time. Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline?

Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape, but in his defense, "Not a minor." Allen Iverson, picked up for marijuana possession and carrying a concealed weapon. And Darrell Armstrong faces a charge of battery against a female police officer. But Luke Walton's here and he's ready to play.

Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission.

Yeah, did not think that one through. Peter, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people...

Oh, God, I'm so nervous. I hope it goes well. Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot. Oh, God, please put your clothes back on. Mama... Mama... Do you love me now, Mama? Please love me, Mama!

You wanna see a picture? Look at this. This is an actual picture from the book. (MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?" Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake.

Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down!

Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead. Zombie! Glenn, I thought I'd lost you. Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him.

That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Peter! Yeah, she flosses in bed, she snores like a wildebeesT-- Thank you, Mr. Griffin. We now move on-- W-w-Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet. She freed Willie Horton, she nailed Donna Rice-- - Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies. Peter! Peter! Just a minute. Listen to me, please!

(KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams, and he'll think we've already changed. Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy!

Stewie, you're being mean. No. If I was being mean, when you opened the door I would have said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia." You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?

"Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP. HEy, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake? I--I can't. Group therapy, 2:00. Oh, Man, I peeked in on one of those. It was more boring than when I was a security guard for George Harrison.

Well, how about you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other. What are they saying? Is my baby all right? They said that your baby had entered their world through the closet upstairs, and that the exit is... Well, I don't know how else to say this, but the exit is your daughter's bum.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here.

Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book. Yes, the fat man's going to Hell. And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God!

All the answers have to do with something here at the school. Yes, I'm sure we're all looking forward to that. Now, unless there is any objection, I move that the board pass this measure.

Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God! Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit.

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? No, I put 'em all in your bag.

BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out.

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING) Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero.

Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

That's a nice bag of candy you've got. Oh, thank you. You know, it's actually a pillowcase. They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know. Well, now it's ours. Uh, well, no. But how about this? You can have the apple and the raisins and the cheese and crackers with the little red stick. I don't... I don't know how that's candy, but...

Ugh! What do you want? Financial advice. Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant?

precisely matches the energy spectrum of my return pad. What does that mean? It means my return pad's explosion was the big bang. But the big bang happened, like, billions of years ago. No, no, we were outside the space-time continuum. Time and space didn't exist until my explosion. Which means I created the universe, Brian.

Hey, buck up there, sport. At least you gave it your all.

Mmm. I hope these taste as good as they look. Gerald!

Peter, you and I need to talk about Quagmire. He's been living with us for over a month, and I think it's enough now. Lois, I'm the whole reason he lost his job and his house. Besides, I can't throw my best friend out on the street like a prom night dumpster baby.

What was that? It's just Michael Winslow from Police Academy.

Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

Peter, you are not gonna ruin this seder. Now, get out of here! I'm sorry, kids. I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor. I guess I forgot what was really important. Peter, just go lie down. All right. I'm gonna go lie down. And then I'm gonna come back and mess up your seder. All right, I'm back. And I'm much more sober.

Hello How are you? - How's the folks? - What's new? I'm great That's good Ha-ha Knock wood - Well, well That's life What do you know? How's the wife? Got to run Oh, my - Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay. Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all.

You're saying our troops are like the Nazis? No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted in the deaths of millions of people throughout history. You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. Carol, how are you? Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things, in a horrific war,

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight And a one, two, three, four And a five, and a six and a seven. Oh! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You're a happy guy when you plant the seed

Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason...

Ah, Mercy! I was once addicted to antihistamines. I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut. Yeah, that's a great story, too.

- Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? I just used to think he was kind of funny. We should... We should get to the hospital.

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is! I don't know. I lost it. Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth.

He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden.

Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh? Oh, all right. (BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate. What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex?

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am.

It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out.

I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore. Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya? Delighted to oblige, Brian.

Anyways, Glen, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was.

a very devoted son. That's a nice thought, Lois, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you. Well, The moment has arrived at last. We now go live to Logan international Airport where the Pope's plane has just touched down. Hello, Boston!

For that matter, who the hell are you,

You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

(EXCLAIMS) He said it! All right, Brian. Your family's here to bail you out. Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working?

as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what, the real storm's in here.

(GIGGLING) He's so short. Oh, my God. He is short.

The moonlight on the lake The way we danced and hummed our favorite song The things we did last summer

Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia. This is fantastic. This is even better than they said it was in the brochure. Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig, but, come on, we're on vacation. Exactly. Don't hate yourself. We're on vacation, right? Yeah. I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid. Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,

I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just...

Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body.

Brian, there's, like, 37 other kids in there. One was in a drawer all day. Wow, seems like Lois would've checked that stuff out before sending you. Yeah, you'd think so, right? I mean, it's clearly not a place of business. It's someone's house. You know, half the time you can hear someone showering. I mean, you never see them, but you can hear the shower going. Really? That seems weird.

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you. Oh, Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind. Can I touch your bum once? huh? Now I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash, and I won't take no for an answer unless the question is, "Do you not like me?" Get it? Double negative, you know? Yes. Yes. Very good. YeS.

Why don't you come hang out in my dressing room? - What are you looking at? - Nothing. Come on, let's go.

Time I've been passing time watching trains go by All of my life

Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine. Whoa, ho, ho! Sweet Mary!

(EXCLAIMING) (PANTING) Looks like we're in the clear. Michael Eisner. Cover your heart.

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

What the hell? That's weird. Why do I look like a chick in that mirror?

Again! Again! I love repetition!

I don't wAnna wait For our livEs to be over Boy, miss jacobs, for a teacher, you sure make love good. Actually, it's "well," Pacey. You mean to say, I make love "well." You're good to go again, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah...

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party.

(GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts! I think you missed me. All right, I'll try again. No, no, no. Hang on, that looks like it's painful. Of course it's painful. There's a bullet in my foot. Now, get over here. No, no, no, no, no. I've changed my mind. I don't wanna do it. Come on, we had a deal. No, no, no. Don't point that at me.

Hello, I'm Lois Griffin. Welcome to our home. So, what? She's like your mom or something?

Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption.

Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here?

And for what? To get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom? Who? Peter, I cared about our schools. All you cared about was some stupid competition. Well, Winning was only half the battle. If you blow this chance to do something good for our kids you'll be the biggest loser I know! Oh, yeah?

What do you mean?

You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day, I was thinking, "Let's do something we've never done before." Release the virus? No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed. That's a great idea.

Lois, you have a gray hair. What? Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter.

Otherwise, this will happen to your prostate.

Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary. Wow, a Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music, so I thought you might appreciate it. You're so thoughtful! What the hell? What's wrong? Uh... Meg, I'm not sure,

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy!

Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut! Yeah! (CROWD CHEERING)

but I think I might have left the weed whacker on.

My curiosity peaks in the morning!

This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool.

And he couldn't really play any sports. Yeah. And That's, y'know, why we got him the lasso. He'd spend hours in the backyard playing Wonder Woman. He's gonna kill me. He l-loved that lasso. He--he rea-- Not as much as the baton. But, uh, we--we put a--a stop to the baton.

Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING)

Oh. What... What... (WHIMPERS) What do I do? What do I do? Well, just hope he's not standing on your soft spot. Well, is that possible? Because that could really mess up my... (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) Mom, I need money for lunch.

(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

(ALL CHEERING) You did it, Brian! You did it! Oh, I say, this is an even bigger accomplishment than getting Minnie Driver's head to fit onscreen. MAN 1: Okay, back up. - Further. Move back some more. - MAN 2: What? Back up some more. I'm as far away as I can get. Okay, have her enter. Action!

(MOOING) (PANTING) BOY: Hey, get up, you faker. It's just a spitball.

Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day. Chris, being expelled is a serious thing. Peter, we've got to find another school for him.

Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out!

Daddy? Oh, God! Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God.

Oh, dear. Peter, sit down.

Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring. But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.

You never want to meet those phone sex women in person. Yeah, I know, that's what I said. I wouldn't do it. Good. Don't. Joe, Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I'm already not doing! Okay, I know you should never meet a phone sex operator. All right? I'm not an idiot. I would never meet one of those people, ever. Good. Don't.

(YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating?

It's not that strange what happened. What'd you eat? Italian Wedding Soup. Oh, actually, it wasn't bad. I know, right? Jenny Craig, can you believe? Only 220 calories. Probably less for you. You know, I think I missed my nap today. I'm sleepy.

I got you a little something, you know, for the show. It's Italian. Do you like it? Oh, It's exquisite. It's not for every day. Clearly. I'm gonna put it on right now. I know how hard you've been working. And the whole family appreciates it.

your mother is going to kill me. So the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, is he? If I'm to defeat him, I shall require professional forceS. Here we are. "Come to Managua, "the Mecca of mercenaries." I must prepare for my journey.

Dad, can we please have a turn at the Xbox? Just a second, Meg. I'm still trying to get the hang of this. Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new.

maybe some that aren't so happy.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.

Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend? Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!

I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there.

Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story. Like, the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother. Could you be more specific? Uh, oh, let's see. Uh, he always wears cheap cologne. Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard. Uh, never pays his alimony. Uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out.

I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome! Aw, th-Then those chowderheads on the corner, they busted your stones. Hey, Your sister say anything about me?

Maybe even after that. Mr. Pewterschmidt, the gentlemen from Zurich are here for your 10:00. Will you need anything else? Mr. Pewterschmidt! But, dear, we are old. We can't keep pretending that nothing's changed. I mean, we almost injured our grandchild today.

Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents. There are plenty of things that are much worse for children than television. Like when Peter babysat for the neighbor's kid. All right, I couldn't find your toys,

Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days. A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse? Oh, my God.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING)

I just couldn't take the stress anymore. I had to come clean.

(SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you!

There's no love Like your love And no other Could give more love There's nowhere

Hey, Lois. Doesn't somebody have a birthday coming up this week? It's nice of you to remember, Brian,

(IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING)

Peter, have you been drinking? Well, a little. It is a party. Take off that stupid costume. You look like a damn fool. Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale. Everyone, I'll be right back.

But, lucky for you, there's a big, new airport out in the middle of the ocean. Keep going. You can't miss it. Roger that. (BEEPING) Oops. Well, look at it this way. I just got you on next year's Oscar telecast. You'll be right after Ron Howard! Just messing with you, Ron. Or maybe not! No, seriously, I am. Or am I?

How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland. We've been meeting people for the past three days. Well, you don't need to look for somebody new. I'll hang out with you guys. Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing?

Good night, losers.

Briggs' FBI profile says the only relationship he's maintained over the years is with a stripper named Tanya.

I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen. I was born in a little town called quahog. We love you, Lois! Whoo! Let me finish the story, fellas.

Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn. You're welcome. And you're dismissed. Do I still get to keep the 20?

Yeah, they also have stork startling. Squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety! (LAUGHING) Your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence.

"last night, pre-flight

I guess Missing one session wouldn't be the end of the world. There you go! Hey, What do you think they put in the bug juice? Bugs. No, they don't!

Enjoyable program. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking news story. We apologize to Joan of Arcadia's sanctim onious, fear-based. ' ' and probably overweight viewers.

We are gonna have such a fun time. Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling!

(ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this?

I'm glad you guys could come tonight. Chris, honey, we wouldn't miss your open house.

Is Elizabeth Perkins hot? (STUTTERS) I... I don't know. Way to go, Joe! Did you bang her? What? Of course not, Quagmire! I mean, I'm a married man. I could never cheat on Bonnie. Well, under normal circumstances, you'd be right to say that, but in this case, cheating would be the only fair thing. What? What are you talking about?

Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!

(CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her.

You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him! Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail.

Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? Were they able to contribute? Eh, you know, they did their best. What with their regular bleedings, when they got shot, did they even know? Look, guys, I'm not a hero. And I don't want to be treated any different than before. Just that you would say that means we should treat you different. Come on, guys, let's give him all our best food.

I know what you're thinkiNG. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your party to leave. You've caused nothing but trouble since you got here! Perhaps we should just continue the party at some other type of location. N-n-No. W-w-Wait. I know this guy. We went to high school together.

All right, come on in, everybody. Have a seat anywhere. Meg's gonna open her presents in a little bit.

No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here. I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years?

We both valued our privacy, however, so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media. Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise!

All right, Brian, Peter's coming in.

Peter, the horse is here.

Ooh, a drunk news report from Tom Tucker. We haven't had one of those since they canceled Passions. This should be good. Okay, our top story tonight, a local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion, in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors.

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present. All right, get on. (SIGHS) We made it. Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool,

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy You guys are gonna love this spa. They give the best massages. Your whole bodies will feel like Joe's legs. Wow.

(SNIFFLING) (EXHALES)

I dream of Republicantown Where men to the right of the aisle Don't back down The streets are aglow with the smell of apple pies And babies come out of the womb in coats and ties Nice place, huh, Rush?

We have to have sex in order for me to bear you a son.

As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

He's an Indian, all right. How do you know? I can tell. Oh, You think everyone's an Indian. He could just be another mooch trying to get A cut of our profits. Maybe we can put him through some sort of test. Like a really impossible stunt to prove he's the real deal. Way to think outside the box, Frank.

Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jackass. Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready?

Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice.

I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey I just want some colored Easter eggs

Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams.

Peter, isn't that-- Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet! How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it.

See you on the coast! So, did you let him have it? No. He let himself have it. This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian.

I didn't know a pig could be a doctor. Hey! You get just a few more of those.

Damn it, Julie! I am not shacking up with my boyfriend. I am just going away for the weekend. Yeah. All the away. WHoo! Oh, Damn, Schneider! What won't you say?

Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards. We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned.

but in his defense, "Not a minor." Allen Iverson, picked up for marijuana possession and carrying a concealed weapon. And Darrell Armstrong faces a charge of battery against a female police officer. But Luke Walton's here and he's ready to play.

That's because you yelled! No, you shot the gun first. That's why I yelled!

Oh, my God. Didn't you unlock the door when we left? No, you were the last one out! How the hell are we gonna get back inside? All right, find a rock.

What else did you buy? Oh, a couple things, that light fixture, new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra, your garbage disposal, your dishwasher, and your new cat. (MOOING)

Wow! It went right there. You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind. But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it. (SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face! That's just the face I make when I'm thinking. And you're always pointing at me. I was trying to start a conversation. And you do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency.

I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back. I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you.

Jock! Start the engine! Get the plane up!

Hey, Quagmire, uh, you ever been to Atlantic City before? Once, about 20 years ago. Why?

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you!

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No. Yeah, well, you know, take that.

Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh... the new Val Kilmer picture,

I'm so excited to get started! You do that while I jump out this window! MALE ANNOUNCER: Evite. Tell a friend and then kill yourself.

To the place in our hearts Where we hide And I guess that's why They call it the blues

"truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other.

If you want, I'll show you around, since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us. Stop that ship, blast them. Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.

Stewie, that's racist. That's terrible.

but I'll do anything to get my baby back. You know, Peter, we wouldn't have to be messing around with ghosts if you hadn't desecrated those Indian remains. Probably a bad time to mention I'm wearing the skull as an athletic cup. Okay, let's talk to some spirits. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing? Y'all got a little friend of ours named Stewart up there.

Come on, let's get up to my room. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs. Huh. Looks more or less the same.

(HISSING) Wanna have sex?

Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good. Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right? Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape?

I say, anybody listen to Howard Stern this morning? He had some strippers in the studio. They sounded hot. Then he made a joke about a negro. But Robin laughed, so it was okay. I think I'm coming down with something. Chris, relax. The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen.

And what do the rest of you think? I... Look, I just don't think he could've done it. Guilty. Guilty is the other one? Well, I don't know!

Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in yearS. Everything seems so differenT.

Stand by, my Hawkmen! Dive!

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

Mmm. I love chocolate!

Oh, You can't be mad at your father for being himself.

my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down.

Attention, everyone, this is a twist tie. It comes with every loaf of bread. When we are done selecting our piece of bread, we use the tie to preserve...

Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this. Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. Chris, you're wanted on the phone. Everything's gonna be all right.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, Mom. No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home. I don't care. I don't care. Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep. 'Cause you're gross. And even if they are, so what? Who are you saving yourself for?

HEy, Santos, Pasquel. listen, You guys have done such good work today, I got a surprise for you. Doritos! Huh? Not now. Later.

Which one of you is the lucky bride? What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Why not? Loretta, I came over here wanting to believe that there was still a chance for us. But on the way, I passed a lake, skipped a few rocks and had some black-guy thinking time.

Lois, you're not gonna believe this. Quagmire's dad's gay. What? Quagmire never said anything about that. I don't think he knows. It's like he doesn't even notice it. Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay? A lot of little things. The way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the complete DVD set of Sex and the City between his butt cheeks. Peter, no, he didn't! No. He had the DVD set.

Griff-a! Hey, we're totally stoked for your party this weekend! (CHUCKLING) You know it, brother. It's gonna be awesome. But keep it on the down low so the spazoids don't catch wind. (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) Speaking of spazoids. Wow! Can you believe it, Connie? You and I are going to be at the same party this weekend!

Of course. Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm. Your father.

Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead.

No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

you had 400,000 fake ones printed up? I had to be sure. Oh, my God. We won! What? Let me see that. Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler. Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it!

FEMALE SINGER: Channel Five We're there for you When times are tough We'll help you through With news and sports and weather

Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you?

Who's got a guy who makes her smile all day? By the way, I'm not so bad to look at either. Who's got a guy with lots of brains? You do! Who's got a girl who loves chow mein? You do! Who's got the greatest love in the world? You do! And you do

THE BUTT: And that was Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris, which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets! WEENIE: That's right, Butt. Our fifth caller will ween those tickets!

Well, that was my pleasure, too, Peter. Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman. " don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody. Sold.

Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk. Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Hi, Artoo! You wanna come play? CLEVELAND: Sure! Here I am on Tatooine Jumping Double Dutch like you never seen I know my way around a rope LOIS: Help me, Obi-Wan You're my only hope

we might actually be able to stop an act of terror. You'd be a hero. Well, I could try. I mean, I am a pretty good actor. Remember how upset I seemed to get when Lois said she was leaving town with the kids for a few days? Oh, my God, I'm gonna miss you guys so much. Don't forget to call and let me know exactly when you'll be back.

And Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room. And here we have the lounge. Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot! What can I get you, sir? We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles. Don't make me beg.

I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s. Peter, we are not going to New York! Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift.

Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no!

What did he mean by that? Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that. No. He doesn't. He's from another universe where dogs are subservient to humans. Oh, you mean like that time we... Yeah. When we bounced around between... Yeah. And you couldn't figure out how to... Yes! They're gonna kill him! We got to get him out of there!

He got us again! This whole thing just shows that women are nothing but trouble! You said it! Let's you and me swear off them for good! And how! Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million.

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become!

It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks. Oh, I beg to differ.

I promise I won't let you down. Well, they all do eventually. Except for Noriega. God bless him and his drug money. I wish he were here today. Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt! Oh, look who it is! Come here so I can give you a hug! Come here so I can give you a hug! (LAUGHING)

Hey! Peter, what the-- It's the vibration. Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? Yeah, That's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. Some brother just fell in the ocean. Oh, God! I remember that. And all those seals died.

Well, I got to meet Nicole, so I prefer to think of it as a happy accident. Is she ready? Oh, well... Unfortunately, she left for dinner with another guy about half an hour ago. What? We had a date. Yeah. I'm afraid that's Nicole. She's 21 and gorgeous. Guys ask her out all the time and I think she loses track.

I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois,

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game.

About 40 years ago, I was vacationing in Ireland and I met a young rogue named Mickey McFinnegan. Peter, Mickey is your real father. Oh, my God. I got to find him.

Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay.

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing!

Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me!

If you own the choice that you made,

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts,

Dad, I think she went out. All right. Then you be Lois. Ok. Hey, Lois, can you grab me a be-- Oh, my God! You've really let yourself go! Well, Maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while! PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you!

Loosen up them trousers. Now, feel the air between them toes. Feel a gentle wind blowing the hair on them legs. Breezing up on through the rest of your body, through your private areas, through your anus. Now let's go back in your mind to your childhood,

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been. Shh. Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station. Oh, uh. My--My blind guy's in the john.

(MAN READING) The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney.

Peter, we can't do it. You're too heavy. PETER: Keep going. You're almost there. I found a rock I like. Griffins, I don't know how to thank you.

Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day? But hey, I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face! Mom! now, Honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine. Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And He said it through a hole in his throat. Well, That doesn't make him right.

Oh! That's cold. That's cold. Hmm. 29 pounds. That's big for your age. Forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials. All right, little guy, time for your immunizations. You, uh, might want to hold him. Hold me for what?

you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie! How long is Dad gonna be in Washington? As long as it takes. He's a very important man now. You know, He's the spokesman for his entire industry.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals?

Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

But come on, it's not a real robot. See? It, It's just an album. Look. Here, you want to hit it? Well... I'm usually more comfortable around things if I can put them in my mouth. So, can I put it in my mouth? I guess. This is just an album! Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

No, I'm not done drawing!

(BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

King Louis XI. Tim, select.

This is fun. We're having fun. Hey, what do you say we get some drinks? Hey, boy. Boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda, and three Myrna Loys for the women. - (WOMEN GASP) - Excuse me? What the hell is your problem, you jerk? What? Does he belong to somebody else? Come on, girls, let's ditch this racist dick.

Oh, Yeah. Reci-ta-tive is really, you know, where it's at. Sir, are we ready to order? Whoa, whoa, Hold on a second. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Well Sure I do! Opera's bitchin'! Um, Ok. I guess I'll have the es-car-got and a glass of chab-liss.

What's that? It's this... (ULULATES) Oh, my God. That's terrifying. I don't know if I'm ready for that. No, Peter, it's okay. Just sing the beginning of La Bamba, - but don't say the La Bamba part. - Oh, okay. - (ULULATES) - Yes, good job. You're doing it. Bamba! Ooh, so close.

(IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? Knock it off. We brought you some wine, but it's best chilled before dinner.

Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it. Oh, come on. You're acting crazier than when you were going through your Parker Lewis phase. Peter, you ready for dinner? That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose.

Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior.

Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run! Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie?

'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

And music swinging Dancing in the street Philadelphia, PA CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets of Brazil CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street

What's that Brian? Oh, you were just kidding? I knew you were. I love you, too, Brian, and you love me. You do love me, Brian. Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money?

Welcome to America, Brian. Hi, everybody. This is Scott. Oh! Who's Scott? My soul mate, Lois. I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you. What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.

And that's final.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Now we're here, where the hell's our host? Well, at least you all had eveningwear provided for you. I thought this was going to be a lawn party. I don't have one pair of long pants. Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek. I wonder if she's thinking about me. I don't know. Are you a pony or the color blue? (LAUGHING) Derek, look!

You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang!

No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually... It's kind of a funny story. What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

Oh, okay. I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh. I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got. Carol, it's so good to see you. You, too, Lois. God, that is one nice ass. Thank you. You're welcome.

Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians.

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself? And now to test my teleportation pods.

Oh, no! Jenga, there it is. Well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga. Stewie, you're so cute, I can't even stand it. Thank you. I'm having a good time, too.

More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. My second piece of advice, have as many kids as you can, 'cause that makes it more likely that one of those kids will grow up and make it big in Hollywood. Then who's paying the bills, huh? Hollywood kid. Class dismissed.

Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian. You're under arrest. Oh, Come on! Move it. Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. I'm very disappointed in you.

(CHUCKLING) I may have dipped into the tax surplus. Wait a minute. You used taxpayer money to buy yourself a handbag? It's no big deal, Brian. Besides, there was a lot left over after the lake clean-up, and I figured maybe I earned a little treat, huh? Lois, spending even one penny of that money on yourself is incredibly unethical.

Stewie! My glasses!

You've got a responsibility. You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl. Dad, look at the facts about sex. "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it."

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner?

Prepare to be boarded. You'll never take my cargo.

Wow! Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household. Well, How much harm can one more pitcher do? This is for the sake of art, right? Don't start with me, Brian. This may not be my proudest moment. But, damn it! I want to win.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no!

So do we have a deal? Let's shake on it.

Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED!

Stewie, there you are. Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here. No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started! No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses.

Oh, thank God, I'm saved! Come on. Let's get out of here. All right. The two of you stand over there and I'll send you back where you belong. Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home.

- I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter! Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go. Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin. But you came through it beautifully. Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. I love you no matter what size you are. Although, I got to admit,

What's Family Guy?

This court will come to order.

No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump off!

Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips with jam booties! Welcome to the quahog Beer Party!

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about. How was the cast party? We're a hit.

(GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo.

All right, Mr. Griffin. Jobs you think you would be suited for. Let's see what you wrote. "Cowboy, astronaut... "warlock, more powerful astronaut, beer expert." Yeah. And I need something that pays more than my last job as... Sandy Duncan's glass eye.

- Oh, Ah, - AH! Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot

I don't see the refrigerator. Oh, we just use Ann Coulter's vagina. Hmm... There's never anything good in here. All right, here we go. "Handiquacks, episode one, scene one." Let's get them laughing right off the bat. "Interior. Red Heinie Monkey's house." What's Red Heinie Monkey doing?

Hey. Hey. You ok there, Mr. Crocodile? Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up. You need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin? Huh? Huh? Ah-- There you go.

Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

More coffee, madam? I can get that, Sebastian. To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on.

QUAGMIRE: Check. Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this.

What the hell was I thinking? I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do?

"Dear Brian. You were amazing last night. Love, Ida."

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great.

HEy, Yo, Griffin!

(EXPLOSION) (THUDDING) There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house. Well, it's good to be back in our old house. Did we used to live here? I don't even remember it.

What do you want to order? Oh, wait, let me guess. Him. (LAUGHING) He got you, Stewie! Well, um, if it were you, you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it, 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid, and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback. Jesus, that one was all over the place.

(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas! Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay. (LUCK BE A LADY PLAYING)

I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! I'm not getting in that elevator! Don't you dare throw me out of this lobby! Don't you... Damn it! Hey, what are you doing out here? JOE: I can't get in the building! Peggy? Yes, Mr. Griffin. That fart I have at 3:00, can you push that up to now? Very good, sir. (FARTING)

and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING) (YELLING)

Hey, you heard of a man named Mickey McFinnegan? Have I heard of him? Of course I've heard of him. He's the town drunk. Town drunk? Oh, my God. You mean, he's the disgrace of the whole town?

I'm the king, jester. I'm going to have him exiled to the farthest corner of the world.

Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh! What are you doing? Now Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms.

Oh, absolutely. Quahog School for the Deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, you're just in time for our homecoming pep rally. What are we gonna do to Lincoln? ALL: Kill them! I can't hear you! ALL: Kill them! I can't hear you! ALL: Kill them!

M-Mom, are we on T.V. right now? Yes, Chris. Your father signed a contract, And now we're gonna be on T.V. for the next 6 months. How could you do this? You've turned my life into the 24-Hour Loser Channel!

Oh, my. Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is! It's in a very naughty place. Does that not disgust you? Kid, You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper. Now look here, you loathsome cur! The matron of prattle has left me in your ward.

(ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out. And to think I actually thought you raped me. Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room. What? Ah! Ah! (STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Joe, what the hell is going on? You're a suspect in Lois' murder, that's what's going on. Don't make us go good cop, developmentally disabled cop on you.

Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch? I don't understand what... Oh, wait. What? Really? Hey, Stewie! STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard! Patrick. Where have you been? Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois.

I am not a boxer, and I'm not fighting anyone else. And that's final. All right, well, how about this, then?

You, like, disappear for a month and then you call me? So silly! You're lucky I like you so much. Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in?

Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling. Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois!

Yay! I'm part of things, too. Yay! (ALL CHEERING)

Hey, Somebody dropped a money clip. Wow! $26. I've never seen so much money at one time! What do you think we should we do with it? I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. Oh, We can dish, talk about who's getting fat. Oh, We'll just be great big bitches.

Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney.

No! Hey, there's my family. I just want you to know I rob banks because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company. Aw. So if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you. But--But I was gonna be a hero. Nobody's going anywhere! Joe, it's Peter! He's in trouble!

Wow, Thanks! See ya. That was kinda cool. Yeah. I'm bored. Hey, You want to go push the janitor, knowing he can't legally push us back?

Quagmire teaches a class? How come I've never heard about this? 'Cause Quagmire forbids us to tell you about his life. As you may recall, he hates you. Wouldn't help me anyway. It's a hopeless situation. If you ever want to get anywhere with this girl, you gotta ditch that negative attitude. You're as bad as Negatron. Do as I command,

I was in the audience. (BOTH SHOUTING) And here we thought the weed was inspiring us. Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad.

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, look at this place. It's a world run by dogs. I mean, I kind of want to explore this universe. Oh, you like role reversal? Okay.

Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone!

And I feel like I just got home And I feel... Good evening. Our top story tonight, Barack Obama makes a visit to James Woods High School.

Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Peter! I had a juice before we left.

(ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

Oh, no! Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe!

Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun!

He's a family guy oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh,

What, are you gonna bet on the Knicks?

You know, Slacking off a bit, but really getting to know myself. Well, Until we catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the deep South. Deep South? Is-Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy? Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone.

That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad.

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster.

Damn fine. Diane? Well, it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.

Why Peter look sad? Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid. No one buy wheel. Peter, you invent wheel? That big breakthrough. This maybe make you millionaire. Then how come no one buy Peter wheel?

Has the 4:10 flight to Alaska left yet?

One of these planes must be going to London. Queue up, children. Spit-spot. Here are the tickets, miss. These are all ours. Thank you. Spit-spot, Albert Hall, meat and 2 veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark 5, Spam and eggs, a baby's arm holding an apple. Pip pip, cheerio!

They even have Indian food here. Not the "ho-ho" kind, but the "mm-mm" kind.

I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume. Ready.

No. Why would you send my husband and son out into the wilderness without any food or supplies? Because, uh, we really like your car? They're dead, you know. Must eat.

All right, I guess. Good. Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.

Ah. That was delicious. You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside, isn't that funny? Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. We had reservations at another place and they... Right, right, honey? Yeah. They couldn't seat us for, like, an hour, so we ended up coming here and we just loved it. Loved it. I can see why. I mean, that halibut was...

(CROWD CHEERING) Oh, my God, that guy is huge. All right, eaters, you have 10 minutes. On your marks, get set, eat! (CROWD CHEERING)

Jerry, I'm going to let you in on something, and it can't leave this room. Our research shows the primary use of our product is sperm. What? Yeah, and brace yourself for this. The second biggest use is women crying about nonsense. But I thought sneezing was... Jerry, Jerry, it's sperm and nonsense.

There is. Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives. The Emperor is coming here?

(SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

You're having a good time, enjoying our tale, think you know what's coming. Boom, left turn! You don't know how it happened! You don't know where you are, but you like it. Uh-huh.

So should I just jump into this?

We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord?

Also, six million German Jews suddenly show up. Find out where they've been at 11:00.

ALlow me to introduce my Siamese children. I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy.

Oh, my God! Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my!

Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm And we don't tan well, either. From a drunken Irish dad

Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!

Peter, it really doesn't matter. Catholicism and Judaism are not that different. They're two sides of the same coin. In fact, the Last Supper, one of the most iconic images of the Catholic faith, was a Passover seder. And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family. Let's not muddy things up here.

Oh, God, it's so hot. Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum. How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat.

And that's why whenever I have sex without protection, I call it, "Taking a John Chancellor." (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God, Joyce, you've got so many great stories. Oh, come on, I'm sure you've done some crazy stuff in your time. Well... Oh, what is it? No, no, I can't.

Come on, everybody. Let's sing a song.

(SNIFFING) Peter! You just crapped all over the bed! When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real. Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell.

That nose better be piggy. - Shut up. - You shut up. (SINGING)

it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age.

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh...

You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!

Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set.

Why Peter look sad? Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid. No one buy wheel. Peter, you invent wheel? That big breakthrough. This maybe make you millionaire.

And then we're gonna bury you in the yard next to Kathy Ireland. I mean... I mean, nice weather we're having. Look, Peter, I thought it might interest you to know that I'm Jewish. What? He's Jewish, Peter. Jewish? Like full on? Like you practice "Jewiism"? I am a Jew. Prove it! What's a 9% tip on a $200 bill?

He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209? 209? That flight left half an hour ago. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That plane is going down.

Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly?

(SNEEZES) Quiet! Keep it down up there! What did I just say? I'm calling the police! I don't know, Brian.

London in wartime. This is history right here, Brian. And look, there's Winston Churchill! Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit. Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

Stop it, Chris.

(SCOFFS) You have a different view, Brian? I don't know. Are we allowed to have a different view? Look, Brian, I know where you's at. I fought it at first, too. But you need to realize you don't have all them answers. But if you work the program every day, you'll find results. God, you sound like a robot.

I'll get him. If you see Meg, tell her to take plenty of pictures. Meg's not here. She went to a friend's house. What? She's gonna miss Stewie's birthday.

I don't even want to talk about it.

I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile.

(CROWD SHOUTING) A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you.

I could get you a lot more work if you sign with my agency. Really? Oh, my God! How exciting.

Wait. What are you doing? They're sleeping in here. Oh, please. They get so doped up on sleeping pills and liquor, an earthquake wouldn't wake them up.

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

(LAUGHING) Damn it! Wow. He poops every time he hears that joke.

What, you think everyone just forgot about that? There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports. Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you. Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison.

(SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away. We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be.

The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.

I'm frightened. Let's go.

Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave.

Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh? Well, How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on. You'll be the stewardess, and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drillin' ya. ugh, Move! I have a lot of work to do. I can't. I'm stuck.

You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man.

(SIGHS) I was hoping to keep these mementos, Rupert, but I can't risk it, with the dog sniffing around for evidence.

No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer.

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough.

Well, who's in it? Me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome. And James Caan. I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass.

Please don't send me away. I have to.

Well, goodbye phone in the bathroom, but I still don't like Meg dating that boy! Guys that age, all they care about is putting their thing in everything. I'm not gonna let Meg turn out like my Nerf football in the hall closet. Dad, didn't you say you'd give me whatever I wanted? Well, I wanna go out with Michael. Peter, you're being overprotective. Look, why don't you just talk to him?

Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you.

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wAh Wait! Damn! How could he lie to me on our anniversary? Ooh, baby, i love your way

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? We have a caller on the line. Go ahead. Yes, yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button! (BEEPING) Stewie, no!

What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you?

All right, you guys. I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking... gets the last piece of pie in the fridge.

Meg, watch Stewie. Excuse me, Can you tell me how to get to New York? Sure. But what's your hurry, ma'am? Don't you want to play A little first? Thank you. But I really don't approve of, you know, gambling. Technically it's not really gambling.

Yes, Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers. OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot. Shut up!

You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you. Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up. Where are we gonna go? I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham. All right! Fudgie the Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost!

Is that true, Dad? No. Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place. I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right.

Because if the circumstances were such as you have described them, but with me in them,

A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane! Okay, I heard kitty cat. Oh, there's a kitty cat a-riding on the train... God, you know, I don't know why this guy's wife isn't here watching this stuff. If I were her, I'd be here every show. There's a kitty cat a-riding on the train Thanks, everybody. See you next week.

You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time.

(STILL PLAYING)

There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it! This is awesome. Now that we're rich, our lives are going to be so much better. You sure it was such a good idea to cash that lottery check? It seems foolish to have all this money lying around.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm..

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

will be playing one free round of golf tomorrow with the one and only O.J. Simpson. What? Peter, you can't play golf with O.J. Simpson. He's a murderer. You sound just like Lois. No, no, Joe. I don't believe you. Yeah? Well, say that after a soul-searching walk around town to Dust in the Wind.

Hey, This guy's a great big phony. Come on, Chris. Ahh! Oh, There you are, StEwie. Hey, You're a great big phony. You know that? Hey, Come on, Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you. Oh, Let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until...

Oh, really? So with this book from the 1800s, you can pray away paralysis or terminal illness? Yes, we would pray for anyone who's afflicted. Well, then I'll tell you who you should really be praying for. Out-of-work clowns.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy. Fine, I didn't want to play anyway! Well, Then it worked out For everybody!

Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet.

COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats!

Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us. Wait a second. Give me that. "Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon "and drives the salmon upstream."

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice. We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter.

Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great. Brian on a date.

Oh, my God. Chris is dating a Barrington. Who are the Barringtons? They're the richest family in all of Rhode Island. (GASPS) I must notify Gossip Girl! "Pass this along to Gossip Girl." (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there. (SOBBING)

(SCREAMING) (SOBBING)

Mambo! (PANTING)

we have to get more money in the pockets... But Republicans are saying this increase is gonna, in fact, put more people out of work and make it harder for American employers to compete in the global marketplace. Wouldn't it? Would... Senator, wouldn't it... Senator, would... Would... Chris, if I... Senator, let me finish. My forehead, my rules. Let's go to Los Angeles. Big actor,

It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What?

Hey, Joe! What're you doing down there? There's no ramp! I can't get inside!

We can all get through this a lot faster. I have so much fun when we hang out, Lois, and I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it, like, strawberry sunset or ginger maiden, or one of those hair color names that's a random noun, like temptress.

All right, that's it. Jeremy must be destroyed. Mom?

Into the great wide open

Boy, these eggs are delicious. Good job, Lois. Good job, local hen. Aw, bucka bucka baw.

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Yeah, no, yeah, you know, I can probably work that in. Terrific. Thank you!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

And if you promise never to do it again, I won't say anything. Okay, I promise.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson? Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself.

Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move.

Well, if that's how you feel, then we no longer have a family. Boy, I'm glad you said it. But this is my house, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me. That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing, Tiffani. Thank you.

Uh, You're here about your pool. Step into my office. I'm here to serve the fine citizens of quahog. It'd be my pleasure to give you a permit. Well, It's about time! Well, This is odd. What? I've never encountered anything like this before, but your property doesn't seem to be on the map.

Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly. I mean, that's one of those movies that... I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie. She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've got to say, the direction was excellent, but I was very disappointed that she... Wore clothes the entire film.

I... I already can. Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke. Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.

His movies are terrible.

Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Well, it just goes to prove that even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychopathic killer. Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood. When we all see each other at school on Monday, are we still gonna be friends?

You know, I've tried to find meaning in my life, and I just... I just can't. And that bottle of scotch?

What was that? Nothing. Peter, the car is making funny noises. Oh, You're wrong again, Lois. That wasn't the car. Although you were right about that prune smoothie.

No, Lois! I will not allow you to look down on Amber just 'cause she goes to an alternative high school! There's different ways to measure intelligence besides someone's grade-point average! Fact is, she rumpled up some poetry she wrote and threw it away in a fit, but I un-rumpled it, and it was really good! (SIGHS) Fine. Amber, would you like to have some dinner with our family?

Introducing rock 'n' roll.

So, you ladies ever been penetrated? Yup. Yup. Yup. Mmm-hmm.

Hi, Naomi. Hello, Lois. I want you to meet my husband, Dale. Hi, nice to meet you, Dale. Dale? All right, I guess, but I'm doing you last. Joke's on him, I only got two in me. Lois, this is such a lovely home.

So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again.

Why have you forsaken mE? Uh, mis--mis-- Mr. Weed? Um, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And If you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday. Peter, I just received terrible news. This company has been taken over by a conglomerate.

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker!

- Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it...

Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?

Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing? Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just... When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough, you just, I don't know, lose sight of the rest of the world.

Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable.

I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave. Nice going, Dad. Oh, Boy! That was lucky about the car, huh? Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman!

I'm Han Solo, and I have jobs for everyone. Come by and apply for your Han job, and I'll get you off and running. Other websites jerk you around and don't finish what they start. But with HANJOBS.ORG, we'll have you shooting for the stars! But keep it down, my neighbors don't know what's going on in here.

Hey, Joe! What're you doing down there? There's no ramp! I can't get inside! Well, we don't need him anyway.

and the theme is the Roaring Twenties.

I'm so horny. Kiss my hand. What are you doing here? I was just walking off the rotted goose anus I had for breakfast, and I thought I'd come by and ask you a little question. What's that? Will you marry me? (GASPS) Oh, my God, yes! Yes, I will, Griffin! Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Okay, here we go.

And it cost me $900 for the 6 weeks of unicycle lessons. So we're a little in the red right now. But you got to spend money to make money, champ. Moving on. All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um...

DREYFUSS: Finally, there was Cleve Brown, my pudgy black friend. I can still see him now, all pudgy and black. Cleve, please. We're busy looking at Playboy. Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds. This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body? Cleve, it's 1955.

Ah. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. (BELL DINGS) Damn it! (CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!

What did you do? Oh, dear, there are so many people to thank. God, of course, and who else? This is so unexpected.

- One. - One. Four, zero, one. Yes. Five, five, five. Five. Five. Five. That was painless. Okay. One, one, two, five. One, one, two, five. There you go, you got it. One, five, five.

O.J. Simpson? Yes.

Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh! Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back." (ALL CHATTERING) I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce extreme budget cutbacks having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue. Have you ever seen such a waste of the taxpayers' money?

- Hello? - Hi, Mom. - Chris, are you all right? - Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay! - Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there?

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed.

it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond, as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after. Diane?

(BOTH SCREAMING) All right, this is good. In and out of this house and onto the next one. What about the reindeer? (GROWLING) Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards. Now let's get down the chimney.

Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall. Very nice to meet you. Big fucking deal. Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her. Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go.

Peter, are you ready... Oh. Right.

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object. Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

Why It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. It's cheering real loud for the home team! It's catching the perfect wave! It's obeying all the rules! No way!

Ahem. Peter, don't you have something to say to Mr. Weed? Oh, Yeah. Um, Mr. Weed, I don't care what the guys at work say. I never thought you were an effeminate weirdo.

English - US - Line 21

PETER: Valentine's Day, a day of love, right in the middle of Black History Month. There are a thousand hearts in Quahog, a thousand stories. Some people don't have any stories. Others got two. Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

I suppose I'm not either. I guess none of us are perfect. Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J.

Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? No, Dad. He's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snakepit. That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

I just... Uh! Stewie... Uh! Look... Uh! Come on... Uh! I... Uh! Just... Uh! You... Uh! This is... Uh! Can I... Uh! Ah! I was just messing with you, man! You can do whatever you want. I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious?

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon,

...Joey Lawrence haircut. So, I'll assume we can count on your help to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan. The plans are stored inside this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. All right now, what do I click?

I feel like dancing. Yeah, you know how to move.

Oh, my God. You're right. I married this 11-year-old girl for all the wrong reasons. I'm sorry, Loka. I guess I just came here because I was afraid of being a freshman. Freshman? Freshman!

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E If you've been so stiff they thought you died You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify Oh, yeah I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS) I did not want to have to do that. They were very nice to me up until then.

Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. (BEEPS) All right, you guys, that was Lois. She's gonna be here in 10 minutes. Dad, how did you get Mom out of the house so we could decorate? Well, Chris, I constructed a very elaborate, fake grocery store. Oh, my God! Are these pickles really only 39 cents? That's right, ma'am.

Ah, there you are, boys. Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter. Well, let's eat. You must be starving, Peter. What am I, on trial here? Maybe you should just eat something, Peter.

(GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right. And finally, still no word on the disappearance of Lois Griffin, housewife and mother from Quahog, who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago.

And in conclusion, whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars, follow your heart and make it so. (EXCLAIMING) He said the thing he says on TV! Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions.

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah!

You're in big trouble, mister.

Now you must die! (GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS)

Okay, let's see. Oh, boy! Everything looks nice. Um... All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600. And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. Uh, give me the one free week of maid service. And, uh, I'll take the hat rack. Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle?

They get big hair faces, and their breasts become like flapjacks! I--I was thinking more like a protein shake. Oh, God, I'm sorry! Aisle 3, next to the creams. Ooh, I don't like saying that word. We now return to Touched by an Angel.

(SIGHS) Fine. Screw up all my fuzziness.

Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future. We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig? Marty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch. Damn! Brother done kissed his mama!

I don't think he knows.

(GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing?

"I'm sorry, Byron, missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Go ahead, Professor Watkins, fail me if you want. Give me an "F" on the exam. I don't care because I got an "A" today, as a dad. Maybe this is news to you, but love isn't some element on your periodic table.

Which is where your mother-- Don't say it! Your mother smells. seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass. You're trying too hard, death. She's not gonna care what you're wearing. She's just gonna be glad to see you.

Who knows? By now, Peter could be completely heterosexual again.

Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery.

What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

"I'm A rock-it man "rocket man "burning out his fuse out here alone" oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.

That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun...

Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper?

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! Just use a dish towel! There aren't any, Brian! You need to come in here! Oh! We are gonna have ants!

You bet. Move over, so Tiffani and I have room.

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers?

What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I always wear these. MAN: That is crazy. Hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, he got it. He got it over there. The little guy got it. Who is that guy? I've never seen him around here before. How's it going, chief? Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die.

Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back. STEWIE: Hmm. I think I have time for a quickie. (MACHINE BEEPING) (WHIRRING)

M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom! And that was the last time I ever saw her. Well, Brian, i--I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems. You have abandonment issues. You need to confront your mother and deal with this. What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open,

Laugh and cry He 's a family guy There's Craig Hoffman. He's such a rebel. Oh, my God, he is so gorgeous. And he plays by no one's rules but his own.

Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished. But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Starting right... Well. not now. But soon! Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these. Only one.

Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm.

Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable. Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk!

(HINGES CREAKING)

I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin, but I can't baptize little Stewie today. It turns out our last shipment of holy water is tainted. Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen?

Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine. All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C.

I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north. Boy, this is the way to do it, huh, Jerry? Sure is. Think this makes us lazy? Nah, we're still in the V-shape.

He stole it! I was gonna do that to my penis! Oh, well, maybe I can do something else. Like, like, like the Space Needle. Or a banana. Or a Sharpie. I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night

I don't know, but I got a bad feeling. (BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

Hey, Brian, check it out. Meg's poking around the cargo hold. I'm gonna give her a little scare.

Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Now, I'm going to Michael's house to force him to marry you. Dad, please don't do this! You can't make him marry me! I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him.

In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created. Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew.

I mean, what the hell am I doing? Hey, hey, hey, Come on, Peter. What kind of talk is that? Yeah, you can do it. Who's my big brave boy, huh? Me. Who's my big brave boy? Me. This sucks, Mom.

What the hell are you doing in here anyway? All right! Her first drum solo. Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky.

I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light. Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home.

Wow! Mel Gibson's secret screening room. Hey, what's this? The Messiah, he's gone.

Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Yellow cake uranium Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?

Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money? Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money. Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would.

Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out.

It's dreck and you know it. Oh, Don't have the guts to respond, huh? No intelligent defense of this unmitigated crap? Commercial! Ugh! I'm gonna get some graham crackers.

Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion.

Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car?

Just--Just stall them, Lois! hA! Ha! Got ya!

What? He's Jewish, Peter. Jewish? Like full on? Like you practice "Jewiism"? I am a Jew. Prove it! What's a 9% tip on a $200 bill? $18. Which is fair. Oh, my God, it's true! But I'm so confused. Peter, it really doesn't matter.

As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what? Well, Lauren, it's a real pleasure having you here for dinner. Of course, I'm sure this isn't as exciting as your usual cuisine. You know, all that caviar with the little silver spoons. Actually, Mrs. Griffin, caviar spoons are carved from bone.

- Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming.

and buck-toothed solicitors? About 3,000 miles that way. We're in the Middle East. Where are we going? I don't know. I'm not exactly familiar with this particular Arabian villagE. Stuff for sale! Bad, cheaply made stuff for salE! Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.

Can you cue that up, Terry? Sure. I need to be, like, fine to be alone. And, like, not even want to date someone. And then I know I'll be fine to get into a relationship. That's good.

You do! And you do Thank goodness I've got you

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party.

That's it, pal! You are outta here!

The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple! Ha ha. Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York! Ha ha! This does not affect us at all, ha ha! Ha ha!

Wait. Did you do that for me? What are you talking about? I'm a young writer. I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Maybe in a couple of years, who knows? Stewie, you shouldn't have done that. But thanks. No problem, Brian. Hey, what do you say we head back home? That sounds good.

Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What?

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Someone important must be arriving because they're making a big entrance. (MURMURING)

Didn't I tell you to bring Trail Mix? Yeah, but by that I thought you meant a set list of totally awesome tunes, which I do have.

Ho-ho! We're fucked. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLING) Man, it's cold in here. Beep-boop-beep. I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right? Captain Solo, have you seen Master Luke? 'Cause no one knows where he is. What? Well, that doesn't sound good. All right, I'm gonna go out and look for him. I'll take my Don Don.

(BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here. CARL: Hey, what the hell, man.

the first thing they do is round up the Jews. Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

These are the best years of your life. Now, let's get up there and live a little, huh? Mom, I look like an idiot! No, you don't. Come on. Just move your hips a little like this. Lois! Lois! LOIS! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

Help! Help! Somebody, help me! Ben Stiller, help me.

(BRIAN CRYING) What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey!

Hey, Stewie, give me $100 from the backpack. I want to pay a Wayne Newton look-alike to beat up a Rita Rudner look-alike. I'll give you $1,000. Pay him to beat up Rita Rudner. Stewie, we got to get the hell out of here before that loan shark finds us. Yes, you're right. I've got a bad feeling, Brian.

No, I don't want a crucifix. Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father,

Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him.

All right, Carrot Top, I want that skull. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin, and that skull belongs to me. Well, it's hardly just a skull, Mr. Griffin. I put it on my head, and it's a skullcap! Put it with David Duchovny, and it's Agent Scully. You got to appreciate that... Hey, don't distract me.

All races living together in harmony and love. Pancakes! He must still be working the junk out of his system. He needs hugs!

That's easy. John Forsythe. Yeah, John Forsythe. John Forsythe, absolutely. That's so funny. I would also say John Forsythe. I was just curious. Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is just so...

We have no guest. Good night. How you holding up, Carol? Not so good. Look, I know you're depressed about Mayor West, but I promise you made the right decision. Just give yourself some time, and I'm sure you'll feel much better about it. STEWIE: (DISTANTLY) She says that to Meg a lot, so that's not good. You're probably right.

And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much.

Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay. Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous. There's something I have to tell you. - The tooth fairy isn't real. - What?

Good thing. Mmm, Lemony. Your Holiness, this is such an honor. Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home! Peter, What is the Pope doing here? Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy.

Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk.

Pick up your trash! I want to know whose cup this is. I said I want to know whose cup this is! Pick it up!

Oh, I forgot my... (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, that's kind of hot.

Oh, amen. By the way, I just want to remind everybody... to put their e-mail address on the list in the back there... so we can send you our quarterly newsletter. It's chock-full of goings-on around the school. It's got a word jumble. A little hint: All the answers have to do with something here at the school.

Peter, are you ok?

(MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)

Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

Hi, there. And welcome to The Peter Griffin Side Boob Hour.

(DOOR BUZZING) Wow! Look at all this cool stuff! Man, what do you think these things do?

I will. Um... My name is Greg, and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Greg. One fateful night, I got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind drunk. I was responsible for the death of an innocent 8-year-old girl. What kind? What? What kind of car?

You're a credit to the force. Additional generic cop compliment, Brian. Thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose and a few other equally amazing appendages. Huh? Oh! Well, I better take this cocaine down to Evidence. Oh, hey, I'll-- I'll do that.

Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable. Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been?

Do you want to see morE?

Stewie, what did you do?

Look, Peter, you do what you want to do, but I'm going to that party. My life isn't over. It's just beginning.

Okay, one... One, one. One, one. - Two. - Two. Five. Five. Oh, I see. One, one, two, five. Yes! One, one, two, five. All right, now, read the number back to me. Let me get my pen.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR.

Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? (GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan? Oh, my God! Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help!

good. Now smell her a little. I can't do it! Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt! Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you! We'll catch you! Wonderful.

Now, let him go! Okay! Okay! You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee.

Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House?

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner. Where do we go from here? Well, I could sign a picture for you. Yeah, sure. That'd be fine. Thank you. So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night.

Please, these guys are Betas, they're total animals. Hey, I got one, Peter. What would you rather do? Tread water where you are right now or increase your net worth fivefold within the next 18 months? Huh? What? What are you talking about?

Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

Mr. Griffin? Oh, my God! Hey, look, Meg. It's Kevin from next door. I didn't know you worked here. Hey, Kevin. Come here! Come here! Say hi to Meg. She's right in there. Right there.

I mean, I'm glad we got to hang. I mean, you're a good negro. - No, I... - Relax, man. I like you, too. Okay, yeah, that's all I was trying to... Yeah, good evening.

(RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later.

Oh, God. I am so hung over. Me, too. But luckily, when I'm hung over, I can just molt into another Peter. (GROANS) Wow, that's amazing.

Damn right I do, 'cause I make the money! I'm the big mamoo around here! Now, when you start bringing in a paycheck and providing for this family, then you can make the rules! Well, I'd do a better job of it than you!

COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.

Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

But Lauren carries one in her vagina.

Tonight, Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore.

Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers. Well, game night was a success. Peter, you do know that all your questions were incredibly easy. Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons. You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?

With my new friend Peter You're a lotus eater Now that you're a superstar It used to be I always took the brunt But now you're free

I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you.

Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you!

I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom.

Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house.

What the devil? What's going on? I'm sorry, Stewie. Your Aunt Carol's gonna be staying with us for a little while, so she's gonna need your room. Who the hell do you think you are? Stop it this instant! We're not gonna fit through there. Only circles can fit through that rectangular doorway. Oh, my God, it's going right through. I got to get better at shapes.

Glenn, I thought I'd lost you.

We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days the only reason I hung out with you guys is that I was crippled and you were lazy.

Did you see the mob? Did I see the mob? Why else am I here?

Help! Help! Oh, my GoD! ah! Oh! th-Thank you. I--I was boogie-boarding, a-and I got sucked out by the rip tide. I thought I was a dead man. Oh, You got to be starving. Here, eat these.

You made the right choice for your own integrity, and that's what matters. Well, I suppose you're right. And hey, at least I got something on the air. I mean, not everyone can say that. (CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws. Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat,

(THUNDER RUMBLING) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.

God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

(SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you.

The karate studio?

The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes!

Deep South? Is-Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy? Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative. I smell a sitcom!

...scared... ...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless. Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you.

Holy crap! Oh, My God!

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.

I brought some Rice crispy treats 'cause I remember you saying you liked them. See, look. This one, it's in the shape of a heart. I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later. Oh, my God! Meg's in love with Tom Tucker! Try to move in on my woman,

Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? They followed orders. You're saying our troops are like the Nazis? No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted in the deaths of millions of people throughout history. You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. Carol, how are you?

And if I've done this right, then this is your card, Stewie. Really, Brian? Card tricks? That's what's gonna close the deal with this woman? Well, yeah. Why not? You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show. Really? Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks.

Dad, I'm scared.

Luke Perry is suing us? Dad, how could you do this to me? I love Luke Perry! Jeez, Meg! You're wasting your time. Don't you read the papers? He's gay.

I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! I'm not getting in that elevator! Don't you dare throw me out of this lobby! Don't you... Damn it!

Kermit the Frog?

Oh, Wow. Imagine, me, president.

I need more lemon Pledge. Okay.

Check it again!

Oh Meg, that's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Peter? Hey, Way to go, Stewie. All right, Chris. I'll see you a fork and raise you A gravy ladle. You're on! So, you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg. Yes, yes. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque.

Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America. We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburned, freckled fat guy.

Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

This facility should be adequate to freeze Skywalker for his trip to the Emperor. We'll test it on Captain Solo. And as long as we're freezing things, why don't you toss this ice cube tray full of orange juice in there? And be careful with the toothpicks. Lando, Lando. Lando! Be careful with the toothpicks.

Hello. What is that on your ear? Is that-- Is that hair gel? Uh, Yeah. Oh, Great, 'cause I could use some. no, no--No, don't! I--i just ran out. Aw, Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp!

So I left. How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Mom! We're in here, Lois. He's napping. Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in. (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Get in there! Hold still, Stewie!

Careful. Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet. Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry. (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? (GROANS) I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man.

I'm home. You're all my bitches now.

"In lieu of flowers, please send carnival rides to Peter Griffin "at 31 Spooner Street." If we get just one ride out of this, it will have been a success. Lois? What are you doing here? Mom, I've been trying to get ahold of you. Is Daddy okay? Where is he?

Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh!

I'm not very good in these types of situations. Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical. All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed. Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down!

Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met!

Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help! Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger. Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now.

Try giving short, simple answers. Sir, your question, please. Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Hello? REAGAN: Hello. Hello? Who's this? This is Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan? The guy that used to bang that 70-pound witch? Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States. Oh, my God! Hey, Quagmire, guess who I'm talking to right now?

I've never felt so scared.

(WHooSHlNGl What do you think you're doing with my wife? Oh, boy.

Oh, Jeni. Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni,

Hey, Peter, your 25th high-school reunion is next Sunday. Throw that away. I don't want to go. Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night. Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, it's me. Knock, knock.

He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. Most of them are fine. Look, Stewie, I'm sorry for scaring you, all right? But come on, it's not a real robot.

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity. (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two

Oh, How I envy them, dog.

I've dug graves out back for all of you in the likely event that you, too, shall perish. WOMAN: You were a good man, Abraham. Please scrawl that on a rough-hewn piece of wood in my honor. WOMAN: I shall. (GROWLING) The reign of Henry VIII.

What the hell happened to you? I fell down the stairs. Oh, you should be more careful. All right, I'm ready. Come on, good game. Good game, everybody. Yeah. Come on, good game. Let's get out there. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah. 110%, everybody. 110%.

Now you're having fun 'Cause we're in the aisles Even the bad guy is singing along They're singing right near me, so it's a great musical.

Remember me, dirt bag?

Oh, my God! You don't care about him at all, do you? All you care about are your stupid ratings! You're a horrible man! Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil!

Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

the Church of George Jefferson. Who wants to move on up? (CHATTERING) Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard? Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver?

Hey, how you doing, Brian? Lousy. I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. Brian and Jinx are friends. Get that out of here. Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV?

Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door? Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

Our top story. The Clams Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Trisha Takanawa is on the scene. is quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like.

She's compassionate and charming, attractive. Well, stunning, really. I guess you could say I really-- Love her? No, of course not! Me and Lois? That's sick! I mean, Come on. She's my best friend's wife. Mmm-hmm.

I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby." Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok. Really? Who's Debbie Miller? A girl I just made up.

Yes! Of course! Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama!

It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived.

Peter, we're your friends. We're always there for you in your time of need. Especially when you provide the free beer. Uh... Hey, Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never". You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did. Well, I got one.

I just remembered my husband is a total chicken shit!

Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

so I hired a math tutor and a driver's ed guy. Okay, so, do you use my car, or do you have, like, a special one you brought? Umm, I'm the math tutor. Really? No way! So that means you're the... Driver's ed instructor, yes. Well, I'll be a son of a gun! (CHUCKLES) All right, time to learn math from a black guy, I guess!

Run, E.T., run!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? Of course. Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. Careful, JOE!

Ugh! Ugh! Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian.

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)

(ALL GASPING) Dear God! He's dead. Do you think he slipped off the roof? Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek!

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous!

Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it. Really? 'Cause I had it sitting right on my table... I said I haven't seen it, all right! And what does it matter? It was terrible anyway! We've had this conversation! Do yourself a favor and move on! Well, that's interesting, Brian, because I found this buried in the backyard next to your soup bone. (GASPS)

Hot lady next to wheel. Make me want wheel. Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What the hell, man? Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ... No way! You're gonna be on T.V.

Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first.

He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity!

But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming. CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."

Up yours, sack breath! That's "Mr. Griffin."

I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper.

What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

You're a piece of work, you know that? An hour late and you're drunk. You had an opportunity to share a beautiful moment with Brian, and you wasted it, wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water.

Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that?

What? Dylan, why? Look at her. She needs me, a lot more than you do. But we were just starting to make a real connection. Listen, I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around, but now, thanks to you, I finally have a chance to transform my mom's life in the same way you transformed mine.

Oh, come on. They don't own "French fries!" You know, you got some nerve driving around my town with a busted headlight. And a busted windshield. (GLASS CRACKS) And an untreated flesh wound.

See, the mailbox is like a time portal. Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later.

Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Ok, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. 10 more reps.

That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting! Dad, I've been worried sick. Where have you been?

track 29, and can you give me A shine? I say! Where the hell are we? Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope!

Yoo-hoo, Benny! That's my brother on that chariot! I'm driving here! Whoa!

This is treason!

JOE: You said you weren't gonna call him. QUAGMIRE: It's not him, you big bully. Joe told me not to call you. So what... So what are you doing? (SIGHS)

And I'm gonna prove it to you. Hey, youthful guy. How is your barizzness on this aggressively redonkulous morning? What the hell are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk.

I'm very proud of you, Peter. (CHUCKLES) Oh, Lois, that means nothing to me. I only care what they say on the Internet message boards. Aw!

It's that new biography on Michael Jackson. Come on, another one? Unless it was written by a 10-year-old's rectum, who cares?

I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop. Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her!

(GASPS) You're a jerk, Glenn Quagmire. One of these days, you're going to get what you deserve. You better put something warm on. You got an icicle forming down there.

No, I hate it. I never want to go back! Oh, come on, it'll get better. You just have to find your place. Let's go, Stewie. Time to change your diaper.

I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

Get ready to die! Huh? Hmm. I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

It's distracting. Um, this is the story of my ancestor Nate Griffin. Of course, Nate Griffin was his slave name. His real name was Richard Bachman. And this is the story of his roots.

NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre. But finally, some good news out of neighboring Kanduzi, as locals there have reached an uneasy alliance with the bordering Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.

(MACHINE ZAPPING)

It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh! (STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth? Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back.

Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command.

Ew! I don't know if this is gonna work, Lois. I'm a little shy at these types of things. You can overcome shyness. Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's. I don't know, Lois. I haven't met a single interesting person.

I'll remind you that I was invited here.

Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure. HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast.

Poked some holes in its back so it can breathe.

Look, everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have sex with him, you're a huge bitch. We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid.

What a wonderful dinner. Would you like some dessert? Did you bake a pie? Well, there is a pie. It's been baking since I met you. Gross. What? Nothing. You know, Angela, there's something I need to tell you. My doctor has given me 24 hours to live.

You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him!

It's dark, it's cold, and hooking up is just a crapshoot 'cause of all the big coats. (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) All right, drop the coats on three. One, two, three! Yeah! Oh...

SecurITy bReach! Security breach! I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls. And I've restocked our school library with books of some of our greatest movies and T.V. shows. Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on?

Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear?

I'm sorry. Will you all please excuse me for a moment? MAN: Tonight's winning lottery numbers are... tr, 21, 18, 7, 42. Oh, my God! I won! I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free!

All right, sweetie, let me just spit on my hand, and we'll get started. Ahh! Get away from me, you creep! (DOOR SLAMS)

gets angry about a product you don't care about. Digital bathroom scales! Thanks, Ken. This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School. Goat flu? You got to be kidding me. Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. I know. Every year, it's nothing.

Luke Perry. That's it!

This is not fair. Okay. And again, I'm gonna ask one more question, and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis? Yes. Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again. And this time, I decide where the base is.

The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet?

I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much.

This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper.

All right, that is it!

Mind control? But I feel so lucid.

(SCREAMS) He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross.

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile!

but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.

Dad... Go on, Meg. What are you waiting for?

Is Mr. Quagmire babysitting all these people, too?

to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged! Oh, yeah. That's what kids want to play with. Yeah. A Beanie Baby in a bubble. What about my idea? Come on! Tootie morphs into a stink bug. Joe, you're exactly the kind of man we need at our company. Peter, make yourself useful. Go get Joe a drink.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Play me down the stairs, boys.

Just ask my twin brother. And here's baby boy number one. I understand you've decided to name him Stewie. One more to go. And here he... Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, no, did Dave not make it?

Rough week, huh? Ah, I've seen better. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet. Hey, You're getting some looks yourself.

- Lois, you got to draw the line here. - I know. There's a lot of crazy things I'll let Peter get away with. I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase. Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. Go force!

I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.

I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird. Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this?

All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"? Hey, I got a lot on my plate, man.

Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Ok, I'll tell her tonight.

Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

They do so much funny stuff.

(LAUGHING) Of course you can, Ziggy! Because even though they're not visible yet, you already have tiny arms. Arms that will one day work, play, and fold in prayer. (CHEERING) But... Uh-oh. What's this? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

I'm like a Green Beret, you know? I--I sneak inside you and I skulk around like it's Vietnam or something, and, and I'm sneaking through the bush, you know? And I get all that fat like the fat's my buddies stuck behind enemy lines, or something, y'know, and when I got all my buddies, I sneak out again. I'm very mysterious when I'm inside you, y'know. Like, um,

After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. It appears a new challenger has entered the field. The crowd has fallen deathly ill-- silent. Sorry.

Buried alive. Buried alive. (BLEATING) Lois, I need $28,000.

Gotta give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Gotta give up the toad now ooo, ooo, ooo

Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?

Oh, that's okay. He'll get over it pretty quickly and then move on to another wacky thing. PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this? My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something. (LAUGHS) You're funny. But I bet a lot of girls tell you that, huh?

Oh, he's getting annoyed. Look at that. He sure is. Okay, now tell him you want a vegan place. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, my God! He's so pissed, he's calling. Well, answer it. No, no, no. I'm gonna send it to voicemail, then call him back, but pocket-dial him while I walk a few blocks. JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello?

Ah! I knew you'd blow all your money. Love you, bye. I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.

That's the last of 'em! Good riddance! What the hell would we ever need guns for? Victory is ours.

Ah, yes, a fence. The cripple's natural enemy. I think we lost him. There they are. Quick! Into the sewer.

Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. But there's a way for us to help him. If all of us, everywhere, can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope.

Don't think, just say it. First thing. Pelican. Okay, what's he doing? He's complaining about some undercooked food. Who's he complaining to? A snooty French waiter who's really mean to his customers. But then when he goes home, his own life's sad because his girlfriend's mean to him, and his apartment isn't so very nice, and he's always running out of paper towels.

I know what you're planning to do, and I won't allow it! You're not going to kill yourself for that fat bastard! Look, I've made up my mind, all right? Now untie me. No, I will not! How dare you make plans to abandon me! Come on, you, you can live without a dog, Stewie, but you can't live without a father. And besides, how exactly do you think we're supposed to live here on the playground?

Hi, is Mr. Donald Nguyen there, please? And is he the head of the household? Ifl can just have a few moments of your time.... Hello? Oh, Brian, there you are. Can I talk to you about something? Yeah, what is it? That coffee mug you have on your desk that says, "Life's a beach"...

'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge. Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore.

All right. All right. That's it. That's enough. Peter, what are you doing? Lois, if you being a model means you're going to be eye-candy... for the whole town, then I ain't going for it. Excuse me? Who do you think you are, my father?

What's going on? You having a good time? Yeah, no, I'm havin' a good time. Uh, Hey, what's going on? Uh, you're, uh, Listen, you're 17 now, right? Um, uh, I was-- I was just throwing it out there. I was thinking, uh, you know, if you ever want to... I don't know, screw around or somethin'. Uh, Hey, Joe.

Nothing else has worked so far So I'll wish upon a star Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew

And another reminder. When you arrive to mass, please do not park behind the rectory. As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land." (ALL LAUGHING) (LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Look out, Gallagher! PETER: Stop kissing ass. Bless you. Have a wonderful day. Thank you, Father.

Hey! Hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons? Shut up!

Wow, you're even more handsome than she said. Hey, thanks. So, that's a great costume. What are you? One of Freddy Krueger's victims? I'm a victim of the liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus. Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year, and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again?

(OVERTURE PLAYING)

you're just renting it from me Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time. And so they sent me back to a brewery.

How do you know? Because I once got a note from the Marriott written on the same paper. "Dear Brian. You were amazing last night. Love, Ida." (LAUGHS) This is from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad. Come on!

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother! How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's--He's alive.

Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. (SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.

That's just a barn. Ooh. Someone went to Yale.

Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done. Can I go now?

You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test. (GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?

Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons! Well, Lois, you told me to produce, and I did. I got us a story on the 11:00 news. Really? Oh, Peter. Our top story tonight.

QUAGMIRE: But that wasn't the case.

You know, cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable "i" at the end. Oh, And that cockadoodie smiley face you use to dot it! You sicken me! I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oh, no, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Now you get out of my way! Lois, you go down there and I'll blow the place up! You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy! You know I would! So what, you'd kill a bunch of doctors to show them that killing is wrong? Does that make sense to you, Peter? Well... Does it? I guess not.

We have a winner! Here, kitty, kitty, KItty, Kitty. No drugs. She's good. He's clean. It looks like that's it, except for the flight crew. Hey, Hey, Brian. What's with the Johnny Law routine?

Whoa, Stewie. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line.

I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up.

So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too?

I wasn't invited! I hate Chris! He's such a jerk! Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused about who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes.

This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now!

Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive,

You're crazy man. You're so crazy.

Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity. Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh? - Hey, figure it out for yourself, man. - We're freezing our asses off over here. Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh?

Boobies! Peter? Do it. Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris? Elephants are bigger in person.

You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

W-Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter? "Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. "I miss the good old days when you were my sidekick." Uh, So she hated my tie until I told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber.

He's a worse dad than a rich New York City investment banker. Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir. Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows.

We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot. Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank.

Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh? Oh, all right. (BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.

Hey, Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream? Yes. But no sprinkles!

And so I went into corporate finance, and that's where I met Dale! Six months later, I was asking her to marry me. What took me so long, right? (ALL LAUGHING) All right, we're running out of time.

Well, game night was a success. Peter, you do know that all your questions were incredibly easy. Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons. You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"? No, I just repress it. As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen?

"Following Mrs. Donovan" by Chris Griffin. "The first thing that Mrs. Donovan does when she gets home from school "is put on sweatpants. "Then she eats a whole tube of cookie dough, "but she must be allergic to it "because there are tears coming out of her eyes "and she always throws up right after.

Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy! Over the next several months, I developed a relationship with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek.

I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING)

I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here. All right, then, it's settled. I'm gonna do this.

No, no, I want to. I want to.

So we're really doing this? We're actually gonna climb Mount Everest? How are you okay with this? Well, if we make it to the summit, I could pee there, and then it would be mine. 'Cause the rule is, the highest pee wins.

That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys. Oh, my God! It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination! Bravo, Lois.

You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting oh, Lois. Here comes the best part. I want to rock and roll all night

So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch!

Your soul to bleed (ALL SINGING)

Yeah, you know how to move.

Only the artist knows the true meaning of their art. Now, Miss O'Keefe, the flowers in your paintings, what do they represent? Oh! Wow, that's a really good question. (MUTTERING) Hmm... (MUTTERING) (BLOWING RASPBERRY)

I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter. (SIGHS) Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot. Now, if you'll just sign here. - Well, this is odd. - What? Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam. No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.

on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house

My God, this house is freakin' sweet

I don't know about that. Tell you what, I'll get us started. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me.

No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents The King and I," a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story.

What the hell's wrong with you? I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down. This is an entire bottle of NyQuil. I know, and it's doing wonders. Come here, puss. Come here.

Not much, really. Just me and my pubes hanging out. Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day. So am I. (STRETCHING) I just kind of feel like kicking it tonight. Oh, look at that. I'm growing all the time. Hey, Jillian, can you give me a minute? You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri?

I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out Stuart Little. I just figured it out. "Stuart" means "mouse." No, Peter. "Little" means "mouse"? No, Peter. I feel so old and in the way.

Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. So they revoked your C.P.R. card, huh? Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated.

Oh, man! There's a tollbooth. hey, Anybody got a quarter? What's a quarter? Well, We gotta give him something. Woo-hoo!

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath.

Oh, You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America? Thanks for that zinger, boys. Now, Give me a snappy line to go out on. Actually, our lunch is here. uh... Well, that's my mama!

Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!

Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death!

You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends. The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste. Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it! Look here. You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up! Interesting.

Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way. No, no, it should be fine. But, listen, Brian, I'm gonna be bringing a Puerto Rican girl over here later. And she's super hot and real nice,

Yeah. I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance.

Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying? - That's racist, man. - Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, dog.

I wish to make love to you. (CHUCKLING) Oh, no, thank you. What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy. Yeah, but this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different. Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis. Well, but...

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

It doesn't make sense. Thank you for your time. Well, what do you think?

And the Blackfoot would oblige

In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down.

And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS)

Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank. Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner,

I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you, Senor Griffin. So far, you've failed everything, including the "Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test. No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro!

(PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.

Maybe someday we'll get married and you can go up on me. Neil, I wanna be your girlfriend. What? I was wrong to drive you away. We belong together. Of course, I'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me. You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that.

Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison?

Never mattered before Who cared When you drop kick your jacket When you came through the door No one glared

Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little...

First, I will return Joe's pool. Oh, You got that right! But, In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends. No! Accepted. I also demand to remain my own independent nation. Absolutely not. Well, How about you just give me your pen? You mean, This cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office? Yeah. No.

Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead.

I'll say a word, and you say whatever comes into your head. - Okay. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Hmm. Bite. - Mosquito. - Ah, yes. Good one. - Uh, mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired.

(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees. Yeah! You are all villains to me because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah! (LOUD CHEERING) What's going on? Did I miss something?

If you don't want to follow procedure, fine.

Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus. Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you straight into traffic. Peter, you win. All right, I won't tell the joke anymore. You know, I gotta admit, Quagmire, despite all the problems, that joke is freaking hilarious. Where'd you hear it? Bruce told it to me. No way Bruce came up with that. Where'd he hear it? I don't know. Probably just around. I mean, where does any dirty joke come from?

It's wet and cold. Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away.

And I still got to eat the donut. - Why isn't everybody doing this? - They are. (DOORBELL RINGS) I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS) Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian.

Let's not be so quick to demonize Loretta.

Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.

And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day Until he seen his I bet you muthafuckas will too Because it's die muthafucka, die muthafucka still fool

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! I get it. Tap me, Quagmire, tap me! Quagmire went to the bank to donate sperm because it's a sperm bank. Yes, there you go. He's moving it forward. He's moving it forward. See, Peter? Now tap Peter.

What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you!

She is sitting right next to me. Oh, here we go. Oh... Nice to meet you, Marian. What's that, honey? Oh, yes. Hang on. Marian wants some coffee. Lois, did you see that? He's nuts. Brian, he's been locked up in that place for 30 years.

I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup

"As the months of solitude passed, I began to go insane. "It seemed my prison cell was getting smaller and smaller.

That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love.

You know, I like hanging out with you, Brian. I feel like a big boy right now. Yeah, this isn't so bad, right? It's like a very private party. I feel like dancing. Yeah, you know how to move.

And that's why they were such vicious killers. He couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now!

Oh, hey, Joe. God, I thought I was in trouble for a minute. Hey, toots, you know why I pulled you over? You were going too sexy in a 35 zone. I'll need to see your driver's license. What? Joe, what the hell's wrong with you? It's me, Quagmire.

I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

But i--I just think you need to find yourself a new director. Are you sure? I just can't do this. Come on, Is this any more degrading than washing cars? At least here you can be creative. Look, i--I want to make this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this.

Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls. (OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here. But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs?

Jesus Christ has returned to Earth! I can't believe it! The second coming!

Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.

Oh, come, get in bed with us. Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." No, no, Stewie, go away! Brian, don't be mean to him. Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. What did he say? Nothing. That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. Is that true?

On 3. 1, 2... aah!

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is! I don't know. I lost it. Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth.

Gentlemen, we need to talk. My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke. That's just not true. What about this toy? Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys. Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter.

I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet

Damn it! Maybe if we make it mad, it will come down here, and we can catch it and get the finger. Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green. You're the laughingstock of the poop world.

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force. What? The dark side. Turn to the... (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) To the...

thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite! Junior, where you been? Dinner was 3 hours ago! Oh, forget him, James. He's an idiot! Mama, What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? My name is Florida!

"'Holy crap, Lois! Check out the freakin' log in the toilet!'" Get off the stage! Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here.

He was wearing a Jimmy Carter mask like the robber in that Keanu Reeves movie.

I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.

What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? Oh, leave me alone. Get over here, young man. Damn it all.

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews. After this. A hurricane. Oh, my God! Peter's out there.

All right, strap yourselves in, I'm about to make the jump to light speed. Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

Can I just show you? One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

I like you. I like you. Oh, thank God. You know, you never really know what somebody thinks of you, but I'm glad I made a good first impression. Would you like to be friends? Like to be friends. Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly. - What's your name? I'm Peter. - Peter. No way! That's my name! Hey, you should come home and spend the night at my house.

Ok, see you later.

it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin! (CROWD CHEERING) Okay, here's the rules. No hitting below the belt, no rabbit punches, no name calling,

Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together.

I'd like that, too. Want to go for a swim? Sure. You're a girl? Of course I am! Oh, my God! Warm out today.

I love you, too, Brian. I think you're the most wonderful woman I've ever met. Will you marry me? What did you just say? Come on. You're only 50. You heard me. Will you marry me? Oh, Brian. Yes! Yes, Brian, I'll marry you!

And by that, I mean I'll fix your sink. And by sink I mean your reproductive organ. And by reproductive organ, I mean the thing between your knees. And by the thing between your knees, I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. aah! Peter, we're lost.

Lizzie, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your husband left you. But you are a beautiful person, and I am here for you. Notice I'm making physical contact with her, in order to establish a connection. I think you'd make even more of a connection if you hugged her, too.

Hey, do either of you know what poison ivy looks like?

Come on, you son of a... Oh...me.

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity. Okay. Well, he was on Growing Pains. I can't believe it. Everybody's gone. Well, people like that are always looking for the next voice to tell them what to do. And here I was, thinking I was making a difference.

(SCREAMS) Wait a minute! What are you doing? I thought you were blind! I am! It's okay, though. (GROANS) Just hang on!

(WHOOPS) (SCREAMING) Thank you.

(LAUGHING) Racial slur. Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store.

Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right?

And Stewie's rubbing his eyes The montage is almost over That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT)

Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness. Oh, wow. I feel like an explorer. Just like my ancestor, Ponce de Leon Griffin.

What do you say to that, broccoli? Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine. Guess what, Mom?

and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago. - Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you. Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

Sheldon? (GASPS) (PANTING) Come on, Stewie. He's just a little turtle.

Aren't you gonna ask me how it went? Yes! Did you talk to the company executives? Peter, answer mE! YEah, I did! And They made me president. Of the whole company? All right, Dad! You shoulda seen the way they were treatin' me. I've never gotten that kind of respect before.

"I would, because I'M WiN--" My wife is very ill! Yes, do you mind? I paid $380 for this flight. $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first. This is my 4th trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky. WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken,

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca.

Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront. I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a common dandy. Never! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) My God! I can't believe she's an android.

Well, I'll be on the lookout for Great Tits. Peter!

Try giving short, simple answers. Sir, your question, please. Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois. Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me?

We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers. Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs.

(SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog!

This is my rassinfrackin' land! And I don't care what no man from no Tennessee Valley Authority says, consarnit! Why are we watching TMZ? I hate this show. Keep watching. So what do you got? I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom at his nephew's play in Rhode Island. PETER: Richard! Hey, Richard!

Okay, slutty cat, you're up next. Oh, my God, this is totally working. Nobody knows who we are.

Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job! "Great job," so you know that phrase. What's that? What? What phrase do I know? Bill Maher! Whoo!

Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor. I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer.

"Hey, type in 'dog, baby, heinie lick.' Check this out." And then the boss is gonna say, "Hey, what are you doing there? "Oh, yeah, that's funny. I saw that in my room." "Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'" I am gonna be so humiliated. Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

One time, my friends and I went camping and nobody could start a campfire. And then I tried to start the campfire, and I could. That's insane. Wha... What is going on over here? What... Are we taking our shirts off now? Okay, follow the leader. Come on, Peter, hurry. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hi. This isn't fair! Swanson, you know your assignment. You get me the guy who's been rubbing his butt all over Dunkin' Donuts. Can I help you? Not illegal. Not illegal. Show me the law. Not illegal.

Good day, sir! Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but... Mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp. I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing. Really?

Terrific. Thanks. You're welcome.

Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay. Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.

Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy!

Oh, there's no other cops here. But we do know one thing, this kid was murdered. - (ALL GASP) - Murdered? Who in the world would want to kill a camper? JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me.

Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving. And, you know, I've seen you eat shit before, Brian. Yeah, mine! Is that really a huge distinction? It is to me! I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick!

I'm Chris. Let me get those bags for you. Johann? Um... Oh, dear. Johann tells me your luggage is the luggage of the poor. Well, I am poor. Oh. Oh, I see.

(SCOFFS) Barry Manilow. What a joke. So stupid. And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding. You couldn't pay me to go to that thing. Hey, you know what we should do? We should go just as a goof. That'd be hilarious. Yeah, just look at all the idiots. All the dumb ass Manilow fans. Yeah. I mean, he's got, like, one good song.

Lois, what did you do to my son? Will you keep your voice down? You're embarrassing him. What are you talking about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this. Hey, Hey, everybody! Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it!

Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him. As she retarded? Can you please leave now? Oh, now I get it, she's a moron.

Which will allow you safe passage across the chasm without end. But first, you must solve our riddle. All right. Well, we got to get to the North Pole and kill Santa. So, let's hear it. The riddle is this. A father and his son are in a car crash. The father is killed and the son is taken to the hospital in critical condition.

This town is going to go to hell. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

Yes I do, Gerardo. This great land should be everything to you that it is to me. A land where a man is paid a wage he can live on. A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck.

And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy.

You can have me. (GIGGLING) What's that? Well, since I couldn't help you learn to use the toilet, I found something that can. It's an instructional video on toilet training. Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider. And today we're going to learn to use the potty.

Let's see. $150 a week. Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal. Whoops.

(HONKING) Just wanted to remind you fellas what you're all fighting for.

I wonder if Mr. Hoover has anything to say about all this? Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it! All right. Okay. I'll study!

Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it. You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here! (GRUNTING) Hey! This punk's not worth it. You're right. You're not worth it.

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there?

Give me my keys, Horace! I'm going to see my boss! But, Peter, you're drunk! Horace! You're right. This is more important. (TIRES SCREECHING) Angela! Open up in there!

Okay, kids, it's story time here on Petey's Funhouse. Today's story is Lesbian Butts in '80s Jeans. Oh, that's a classic.

You're already in their group. They trust you. If you can find out what they're planning next, we might actually be able to stop an act of terror. You'd be a hero. Well, I could try. I mean, I am a pretty good actor. Remember how upset I seemed to get when Lois said she was leaving town with the kids for a few days?

I'll take one. Me, too. Hey, give me one of those.

Wait a sec. Hold the phone. He's going back towards the track. Fellas, this race ain't over yet. (THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over.

Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel

Well, Lois, until we get an appointment secretary, things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks. My parents are not gonna like this, Peter. You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding. You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her.

Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype. I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again. Oh, And by the way, I'm going back to the force. Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh?

Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings.

Oh, Glad to hear that.

Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words. Horace owned The Clam for over 30 years. During that time, he touched all of our lives. He was a great bartender and a great friend.

I still do that. Oh. Good. Yep. Can I have some money? Get out of here, you bum! All right. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight. Daddy, you're awake!

Although I was aware of it! Anyway, you're dead! Ha! You're mine now, fella! Ah! Ah! Oh!

Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed! Marital concerns continue to bedevil me. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't planning on spending all night there. Look, how about if I take you to the park, huh? Come on! You like the park, right?

(MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex. MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks. I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet?

Well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?

Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse

(SOBBING) Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want.

(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees. Yeah! You are all villains to me because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah! (LOUD CHEERING) What's going on? Did I miss something? Nah, just some idiot streaking across the field. Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. You didn't plan on it, but it's happening.

Suspect number two, he's the one who raped me. All right. All but number two are free to leave. Ma'am, I know that you're going through a difficult time right now, but I just have a few more questions. Are you planning to vote tomorrow?

But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears. Meg, what happened?

Are you up for bids, too? You are just precious.

- That is awesome. - Peter.

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000. What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money? Peter, I'm waiting.

THE quaRTerly review's tomorrow. Think all your kids will pass? Well, I'll tell you who's not gonna pass. It starts with an "O" and rhymes with "Bolivia." Give up? Olivia. Really?

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay?

Yeah, Our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how get us free cabLE. We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh.

had airlifted in. Man, those villagers were so pissed. They tried to chase us, but let me just say, thank God for polio. Anyway, my point is that.... ls Peter here? I want to re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out. Hey, Wheat Thins! Take your top off.

I'm sorry, the next bill I have in here is a ten. Oh! Oh, I love you! All that and everything.

(STEWIE READING TITLE) (LOIS READING)

Oh, yeah, Sure, Lois. All the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section. Stop with this! Look, Peter,

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Wait! We have to go back. What? What are you talking about? Kids, your mom is clearly delirious from the altitude. I say we leave her behind and marry that hot new assistant from my work. Look, Ben freezing to death was one thing.

I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with. (LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen,

YEah, And use up all the towels in the men's room! Peter! Sorry. Man, these things never get 'em completely dry. Where's Stewie? Hmm... Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall!

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING)

Sweet little buttercup My little buttercup I love you

What is wrong with you? You abandoned me! And some larger children took my candy.

Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji in yesterday's travel section? (SIGHS) I wish I was Beyonce. Peter, I think maybe you should go back and have that doctor undo whatever he did.

All right, Peter, you can stay,

Um, ph-Phoebe? Yeah? Uh, I was wondering if you'd, uh, d-do me the honor of, uh... I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.

Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian. It operates according to the laws of physics, but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no laws of physics. Watch.

Good evening. Our top story tonight, Barack Obama makes a visit to James Woods High School. Yes, it's time to get jiggy with it, Quahog...

All right, listen up. Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right? Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up.

(PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

What the hell was thaT?

Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ...

BRIAN: Where are we? STEWIE: This is Quahog, Brian. Same year, same time. But in this universe, Christianity never existed.

You--You told Child Services that we steal lawn mowers and cheat on our taxes and worship some guy named Stan. Um, Actually, I said Satan. That's a typo. We didn't know who that woman was! It's not our fault! No? Then whose fault is it? It's all of yours! You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy.

Well, okay. Do you love her?

Now, take that hat off. (BAT SCREECHING) Oh, God! Your hair's all combed. Here. Let me fix that.

Thanks for Spaceballs. YeAh, well, If there's anything I can ever do for you-- You can't leave! ahh!

Chewie, get away from... (EXCLAIMS) How are we going to get out of here? Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

(SCOFFS) I had all day to do this. Oh, my God, this is delicious. What do you mean "all day"? What about all the housework? I did it in, like, an hour. I don't understand why you're such a freaking martyr all the time. It's a house. It's a finite area. I'm not cleaning a town. Hey, family, I'm home.

All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed.

All right, I've got our whole day planned. First, we'll go to the Louvre. Then, we'll go shopping along the Champs-Elysees. Uh, Lois, I should probably tell you, I didn't come all the way here to go to museums and shops. (STAMMERING) Well, I don't understand. Why'd you even want to come here, then? Lois, I came here to have an affair.

Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right? I don't know. I actually just had elbow surgery. I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today. Why would you trip me deliberately? I'm sorry. Dinner's going great. You know, I can probably help you with that elbow.

I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What god would allow this?

Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo!

(WHISPERING) Are you sure Stewie can find his way out? (WHISPERING) We just got to be patient, Lois. Like waiting on the results of a blood test. A real important blood test.

Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

Boy. I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me? If every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the superbowl, no one would be married. Yeah, you're right. Ok, I got the top bunk. Oh, My collagen is wearing off. Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way

You just unfasten these things, then lay back with your legs in the air, and let nature do the rest. It's still there. Usually, the doody's disappeared by now, but it hasn't. It's just sitting there like Joseph on his wedding night. (LOUD THUDDING) Happiest night of my life, honey.

I don't know. The word "self-absorbed" comes to mind.

Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"? I say, Janet, do you like this couch?

God, send me dancers. We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted! I'm sorry, but we open this show in 3 hours, and I don't think we're ready! Of course we're not! You keep changing everything! You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her!

(THUDS) - Peter! Oh, my God! Dad! PETER: It's okay! There's a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushioned my fall! Do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack?

Hong Kong Phooey!

Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.

(SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce. I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30.

Run, E.T., run!

All right, Cleveland. Nothing like a good smackdown to get the testosterone going.

At first I wasn't sure it was him, but I got a closer look, and now there's no question in my mind. Franz Gutentag is really Lieutenant Franz Schlechtnacht, the most sadistic SS guard in the Dachau concentration camp. That's a very serious accusation.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

STEWIE: Hah! You tell him.

Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Thanks for hearing our pitch, Mr. Chernin. You realize the only reason I'm taking this meeting is that your wife is a reporter for our news division. You have absolutely no prior credits. Sir, I promise you won't regret it. Handiquacks is gonna be the next Simpsons. We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy. We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head. You go, "Wow! What happened?"

Oh! Everything here is fantastic. Oh, these clothes.

and come Sunday, bam, I rise from the dead. Okay, that sounds like a nutty weekend, but I can top it. So, me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort, right? We know we're gonna puke, but Joe says, "Hey, let's go see Chronicles of Riddick." Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses.

I'm Stewie Griffin.

Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant.

There, that's better. Don't you all forget to sign up for the Quahog Community Talent Show. Talent show? Oh, Peter, that could be fun. Do you think we have a chance at winning? Absolutely. I love being around the stage. Except for that time we went to see Phantom of the Opera.

Oh, God! This is horrible! I can't watch anymore! Mom, Daddy, thank you so much for coming over. Oh, of course, dear. I don't know what to do. They scoured the area, and there's no sign of them. I feel like I can't just sit here doing nothing, but I don't know what I can do. I'll tell you who could help. Medium. Daddy, that's not a real person. That's a character on a TV show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Ice cream truck!

Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry. I just came from that orientation seminar about college dating. Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis. And I'm here to talk to you about rape.

Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the housE!

(BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe. All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us.

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again! Ah, The breakfast thing. Heh. Yes.

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone?

Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance.

There aren't a million of those already. Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.

(ARTOO SCREAMING)

Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy? How are we gonna find them? Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina.

So, Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again?

(GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS)

Streetlight people Get some! Get some!

Wait a second. Don't we know someone who was in the Peace Corps? Yeah, who was that? Was that Beau Bridges? - Do we know Beau Bridges? - No, we don't. I am positive we know somebody who was in the Peace Corps. Look, it's me, all right. He got the idea from me. Brian, what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't do it on purpose.

(SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there?

Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.

Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there?

Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS) (SCREAMING)

You know what, he slipped into my colon. Yeah, damn it, he's smothered. But let me just ask you this, Lois, if my stomach had said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry! "How about some pork chops?" Would you have thought that was funny? Not really. Well, then, this has been an absolute misfire.

Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy.

Whoa! What do we have here? A fully formed beehive! Must have taken months to build that guy. Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS)

So, as you can see, Petoria has invaded U.S. soil. What are our options? Well, A military strike against such a small nation could cause an international backlash. True. But this kind of behavior can't be tolerated. Agreed. I suggest we start with political sanctions. Very good, gentlemen.

Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad. Don't! (SNIFFLING)

Oh. Brian? Where's Cheryl Tiegs? Well, she's not coming. I wrote you that because I knew you'd never come if it was me. But I planned a big night, and we're gonna have a great time. Brian, Cheryl was the one that got away. She was the great love of my life.

Wow. You work out! So much. ANNOUNCER: We now return to True Blood. Hi. I'm a nude vampire. Hi. I'm a nude werewolf. And that's the show! Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!

You're all right, Griffin.

0h, I hope he's gonna be okay. Me, too. I know we're not here to place blame or beat ourselves up. but, I can't help feeling like this is somehow Meg's fault. Oh, I just can't stand the thought of losing Brian. If he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again. ANNOUNCER: One's a baby, and the other's black, f think.

but I guess this is the last time I get to see you. I'm gonna miss you, little guy. This is for you. She made me a mix tape. Oh, dear God, what have I done? I've made a terrible mistake. LaDawn! LaDawn!

These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot. This course is in getting laid, not finding love.

What do you do for a living? I work in accounts receivable at Quahog Insurance. It's not too demanding, the pay is good, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Well, we should wrap this up. You're getting wet.

There you go. Good night, Peter. I can't sleep like this, Lois. I need someone to cuddle with. Believe it or not, men like to cuddle. Even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson. Hey, Charles Bronson's wife. Scooch over. I want to cuddle. Mmm! That's nice.

Brian, please, eat something. Why bother? My face is plastered all over the news. Your father won't let me see the dog who's carrying my puppies. And My best friend is going to incredible lengths to ignore me. Brian, don't let him get to you. Peter, come out of that thing!

Something, something, something, complete.

Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?

OFFICER: You getting smart with me, boy? Where'd you get them wheels? CLEVELAND: Come on, man. OFFICER: Step out of the car. CLEVELAND: But I ain't done nothing. OFFICER: Hands behind your back. CLEVELAND: Hey, easy, watch it! (SCUFFLING) OFFICER: Come on. Don't you fight me, boy! Get down on the ground! CLEVELAND: Come on! No! OFFICER: Hey! Get back here! (GUNSHOT) CLEVELAND: Ow! My arm! (PANTING)

He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Maybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet, and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks! That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, boy! What a fantastic evening! Jerome, you are a wonderful addition to our group. Hey, thanks, Peter. I like you guys, too. What do you say we hit another bar? Keep it going?

Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING)

Sure they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. And that'll be our lives. What a big, boneless jerk I am! I might have screwed up my life... ...but there's no reason I got to keep screwing up theirs. Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world!

Hey, you know what, Rupert? You know what I should do, just, like, as a goof? I should try to win those Justin Bieber tickets just so I can, like, tear them up or use them to go to the concert. It's ringing, Rupert. It's ringing. I'm too nervous. They're celebrities. You talk to them.

What the hell is that creepy little thing? Well, I'm not Yoda.

- It's-- - Whatever, man. - We cool? We good? - Yeah, we're cool. Fine. Mr. Doctor? If you get shot in a rap feud... can you perform surgery on yourself? Well, no, Chris. My degree's in optometry. All right, Dr. Ditty.

It was my understanding that everyone had heard. Heard what? Brian, don't! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Brian, don't you know about the bird?

And those two bums turned to me and said, "You're not funny, Peter." In my own house! Well, what was the bit?

Oh. Excuse me. Good morning? Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap.

Who... Who are you? I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY)

All right, all right. Not bad. Afternoon crowd. Lightly attended. So, Billy, how long will you be staying with us? Are you kidding? As long as he wants! Yay! We live with a dolphin! Correct, fatso. Anyway, I'm off to read Meg's diary.

woo-hoo! Baby! 12 in a row!

Oh, God, not this again. Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you?

Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is. (Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter. (Lois) Hang on. (PETER) Shazzam!

and we get to the abortion clinic, and the abortionist has one hand. The abortionist has one hand. Missing hand on the abortionist. And we're there to get an abortion. Peter, for God's... I'll tell it. I'll tell it. So I turned to Lois and I says, "You want to get an abortion here? "You want to get an abortion with the abortionist having a stump hand?"

(SIGHS) This is so wonderfully peaceful. Yeah, really is another world out here. And just so quiet. (HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE) I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying.

All right, did you get the parking validated? Ugh! No. (SIGHS) That was the whole reason we walked through Crate & Barrel.

Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one. Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad. Yeah. No, let's keep going.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You don't wear a hat and there's no wind in here. (WIND BLOWING) You, sir, owe me one new hat.

Damn it, come on, stay up there. QUAGMIRE: You got to yank it to the side, Peter. I'm yanking it as far as it goes. CARL: You got to catch it on the thing. That's helpful. DR. HARTMAN: The left side's getting lower than the right side. I can see what's happening. QUAGMIRE: Now twist it. All right. See? Now it's open.

Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress. All right, let's figure out what we know here. The gun was clearly meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way. So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods. What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

Hey, what do you got there? Oh, I'm just playing with some Lee Logs. What the hell are Lee Logs? A little something I created. Lee Logs. Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs. Yeah, they're not selling very well.

Peter, stop it. Welcome to our home, Joan. I'm Lois. Won't you come in? Oh, boy! My own maid. This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took. It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy

What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. (FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

It's Friday night and I don't have a date. Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book.

So for this next cutaway, we're gonna make you read it. That's right, you heard me. Do a little work once in a while, instead of having everything spoon-fed. You want your yuks, put in a little effort. All right, go ahead.

Peter! Peter Frampton! Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE? All right. If you want to live, come with me and bring your guitar,

Ok. Here we go. Have fun. Ok, Everyone get ready. Say hello to the lovers.

You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you! Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before. You're fired!

This was the trip our family took to the Cape. Ugh. It was miserable. It was raining, and Mom and Dad fought the whole time. You taught me how to hunt squirrels with poisoned cheese, and then you took me to the hospital when the squirrels tricked me into eating the cheese. Chris, you kept this photo all these years? Yeah, it's gotten me through a lot of tough times.

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian,

There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash!

Hey! hey! Hey! How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right?

(BONNIE) Did you walk? (Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home.

What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

The legend herself.

except contracting AIDS because AIDS had not yet been invented by the government in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community.

Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table. How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!

Wow. Still, you know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial, I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time.

Okay, if everything worked properly, this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say.

A writer needs a voice, and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well. Shut up! May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife.

all the things that make us

Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite.

Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY) Okay, look, I'm happy to do that. (STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just... Look, what I was saying... Look, just tell me what you want me to say!

Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

A pox on quahog! Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!

Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now If you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings.

(EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLING) There you are, Opie. Congratulations. You made Employee of the Month again. (BABBLING NONSENSE) How come I'm never Employee of the Month? Man, this is the worst job I've had since I was the conductor for the Sand People choir. And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING)

(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.

because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up.

Just sign here, please.

So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

Well, the guy talks about... Cesar Millan? Right, Cesar Millan talks about living in the moment because that's how dogs live, you know? We live in the moment.

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers.

People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage." - Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there. ANNOUNCER ON TV: ...your shows will appear on "My Playlist." Peter, it's been eight hours, and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless!

Chris, I know you're angry, but do you really hate your father? No. I just think he's a douche. Sometimes he is. And, Peter, do you really hate your son?

Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend! It smells like old milk in there! Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up! Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no,

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter. That ought to slow them down.

No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure! No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you.

Shut up! You don't know nothing.

You went in there and you stood up for what you believed in. Yeah, now I don't have a TV show anymore. Who cares about that? You made the right choice for your own integrity, and that's what matters. Well, I suppose you're right. And hey, at least I got something on the air. I mean, not everyone can say that. (CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws.

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! TOM: I don't care, Son. I just do not care.

Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn.

Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter! What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no... I need more lemon Pledge. Okay.

That's right! Allow me to demonstrate. Hey, Rainbow Brite. Hello, Shakespeare. I am all done writing plays for the day. Perhaps we could have sexual intercourse. Count me in!

- Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy!

I never said her house looks beautiful.

That's when he went back in time Oh, my God, Stewie, we have to get him back. When did the machine send him? I don't know. How can you not know? It's a time machine. Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year or something? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite.

(EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it. (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful.

My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed. My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist.

Stop this travesty right now! So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage.

(PANTING) Looks like we're in the clear.

"I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room. Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away from me, or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe. Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie.

Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you. I love you, too.

Oh, it's so great being here on Jolly Farm. Let's go to the barn and meet the animals. Yeah! Hey, Mary, bet I'll beat you to the barn! That sounds like a really chauvinistic presumption. I mean, because I'm a woman, you think you'll beat me? A man is automatically better than a woman at any physical challenge?

Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy.

Merry Christmas, everybody. As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce,

(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing?

So it's a shouting match you want, eh?

Yeah. Well, we should probably get home. This area gets really dangerous at night. (ROARING)

- You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it.

Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile. I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay. Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

Hey! Hey, When you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say, "is it--Is it in yet?"

Oh, This is marvelous! I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller.

Peter? Hello, Peter? Peter, are you there? I can hear you breathing? Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like.

There's got to be at least a hundred clubs at your school. Well, I do have a friend at the school newspaper. Thatta girl! I got your first story right here. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go!

Well, look who finally came home. Jeez, I thought you were gonna spend all night at Joe's. Oh, I could've. That man has got magic fingers. He found this one spot behind my ear, I... Forget about it. I thought my leg was never gonna stop. I don't believe this. My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on.

I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me Except for you.

You ain't never gonna believe what I just seen. Tyra Banks? See, now you say something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more. Oh! Come on, what did you see? I don't remember. I just was thinking about Tyra Banks. (EXCLAIMS) Can you imagine?

Who the hell are you? One lucky son of a bitch.

I don't get it, John. How's a pig gonna help us lure the mummy? Rush, I've never known a Democrat to pass up pork. (SNICKERING)

The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone want to buy some pot?

"You are the weakest link. Good-bye!"

Usually we just end up burying framed pictures. Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! (SOBBING) What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her?

Hey, everybody, I'm Bernie the hamster. Would you like to be my friend? Oh, my God! It's okay, Peter. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's a hamster!

Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors.

Hey-oh mother africa oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality. You guys want to hear something really funny?

It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do?

Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.

There's just one thing I want you to do. TIN MAN AND SCARECROW: What's that? Talk me out of it. BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no. What the hell is going on up there?

They're coming down big, long stairs Come on, Brian, you know this We're all rich And we're all at least in our late 50s Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this

How the hell are you gonna do... (YELLING) Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law.

Where did they go? There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left! Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

(MONSTER SNARLING) (LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS)

After they pelted you with meat? Did you forget how the neighbor Kids chased after you and tried to sprinkle you with Fixin's? Yes, I did!

holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da. Here. Make sure you get all this. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself?

Hi. Can I take my tie off yet? Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful.

How did she discover our plan? Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.

I said I haven't seen it, all right! And what does it matter? It was terrible anyway! We've had this conversation! Do yourself a favor and move on! Well, that's interesting, Brian, because I found this buried in the backyard next to your soup bone. (GASPS) Stewie, I... You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good.

Uncool people are like animals. Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school?

Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago,

(SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her. (CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

(ALL BOOING) No, no, no. That's awful. No, no, no. I'm not okay with that. No new taxes. ALL: No new taxes! No new taxes! No new taxes!

Dear diary. Jackpot!

Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed. And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself?

I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. (LAUGHS)

You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off,

King me. I don't want to play anymore. The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug. Wh-- I--I can't. Be my angel and set me free. Please?

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom?

You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened!

Good Lord. See, they've got a flap that opens up in the back. Are you telling me I could be pooping and warm? Exactly. No longer would I have to make a choice between the two. Sir, here is a check with my name on it. Write down any number on this piece of paper, and I will pay it.

(BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING)

Um, Mr. Weed, I don't care what the guys at work say. I never thought you were an effeminate weirdo. Uh, uh, So, uh, what--what kind of a name is Weed? They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. Our original name was Bermuda Grass. Peter, being here with your wonderful family, your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog,

Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard.

Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck.

Hey, look. A manatee! We can use it for soup. Ensign Glen Quagmire. Welcome aboard. You picked a great day to get rescued.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow!

- Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there's only one guy to blame

and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion. So what happens next? Do those guys all get trials? Well, you know... (INDISTINCT) It's a long... It's the process, and whatever. Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at The Clam? That's a great idea. Yeah, I think we could all use a drink.

but Scotty has... Cancer. We know. You do? Yes, we're aware of his condition. But you shouldn't have brought him to the hospital without talking to us first.

(RUMBLING) Uh-oh. Chris, make it stop. I'm trying. I think... I think we're launching. Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand.

Oh, Thank GoD! Uh, hey, Did someone choke on a roll in here? Oh no, no, No, No. I--I spit it up. Oh. Recapping our top story. Doreen, I lost your phone number. We met at the Sky Lounge last night. Please call me.

and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird. Take care, you two. May the Force be with you. CHEWBACCA: There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man.

Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood. When we all see each other at school on Monday, are we still gonna be friends? You know, despite all the craziness this weekend,

Chris, did you hear? Some dog is going around town trying to get support for gay marriage. Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition. Really? Chris, you've got to destroy that petition. Why? Because if you do, I'll let you touch my boobs. Is--Is--Is that good? Do--Do I want that?

You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go... (EMITS FARTING SOUND) Lois, don't worry about it. I got a bunch of great new shows lined up.

Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy.

Whoa! What do we have here? A fully formed beehive! Must have taken months to build that guy. Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS) (GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one! How could this happen? I thought we lived in suce a nice small town.

What part of that statement is supposed to lure me into a conversation?

It's got to have an "X" in it because that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break, and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and... (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! I know that sound! It means there's a potential intruder at the front door or one of my pals! Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello!

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again. "Lovely weather we're having." Now you try.

I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

Where should we sit? That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod. Whoa! Whoa! How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore. Whoa!

No way! Those guys have a TV in their car!

What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else. How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs."

So far, you've failed everything, including the "Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test. No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.

even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but who after you told her of your intentions, said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard of all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures.

(LAUGHING) (BABBLING)

Shit. Hey, there. How you doing? Who are you? I'm Santa. You're Santa? Do you have my new cell phone? Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa?

You have crappy judgment anyway. Oh, This is intolerable! This foolishness is preventing me from completing work on... Egads! The blueprints for my time machine! Those are for my eyes only! Thank you. Look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy. no!

A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way. This court will come to order. I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they'd, uh, catch their mistake.

And then wake up with a rash Yeah, they wake up Wake up, wake up, wake up With a rash Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight

That was a crazy one, Dick. it sure was, Ed. in this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi Watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say, "She sells seashells down by the seashore." What does your mom do For A living? She sells seashells down by the... That is kind of a tongue twister. It's good to have you home, Peter.

Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers. There you go. There you go. Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest. Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie. I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what? I'll give it a try. - Thanks, Brian. - No problem.

(ALL SINGING) Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?

Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."

And you do Thank goodness I've got you Who's got a guy to tell her jokes? You do! Who's got a girl to show the folks? You do! Who's got a girl he'd like to one day undress? Give it a rest I told you not until we're married

You know what? Fine. You guys are not gonna get to me this morning. I am in too good a mood. I met an amazing woman. Finally, the whole package. You met her at the seminar? No, that's just it. It was right here in town last night. She's a classy, smart, beautiful lady. Look, I took a picture of her. See?

I really like you. And I was wondering if maybe, um, you want to go out on a date with me.

And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast!

While that is a fact, they also make sex safer. Sorry I'm late, Lois. Peter, what are you doing here? Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him!

Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do.

Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there. I'll always be there, Dylan. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko. (LAUGHS) Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it.

Where should I begin? You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian, thanks to this beautiful little angel. She came into my life as if out of nowhere, enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams, and opened my eyes to the cleansing truth of Jesus Christ's love.

A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York.

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Scared you, didn't I? House. House. And I'm gonna run the company. Well, Lois, I'm off to my first day as a corporate bigwig. I'm not so sure about this, Peter. I mean, that's Daddy's company.

Well, Peter Griffin is no loser! When I'm through with our schools, our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Ah, I love you so much.

Hurts, don't it? Dumbass. Wow, he effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face. My dad hits me. But I bet if I hit others, the pain stops. Someday, I'll use what I've learned here on my wife. Peter, is this your homework? Hold on. Let me take out my reading glasses.

Fare thee well, broccoli! I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television.

And I get all that fat like the fat's my buddies stuck behind enemy lines, or something, y'know, and when I got all my buddies, I sneak out again. I'm very mysterious when I'm inside you, y'know. Like, um, um, Like the wind, you know. Oh, Good boy, Stewie. Clean plate. Although I think you got--

Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

I mean, what if I run into that octopus again? Peter, that's ridiculous. Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife? Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here.

Hey, Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream? Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you! Aw, Come on, Lois. I hate to see you so upset. Look, We got animals. We got clowns.

Stop. Stop. Stop. I'm sorry I even said it. I'm so... It was a mistake. It was a mistake. I'm sorry I said it.

(SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)

You mean, like from Star Wars? (LAUGHING) No, no, no, no, no. Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one. Okay, thank you. Did you wash my car like I asked? No, but I hit it with a rock. Okay, thanks.

This is the story of a great adventure that happened to me and some of my pals. It all began innocently enough, with my stupid wife showing me some dumbass brochure. So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. You and I will have one cabin, and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two. Oh, this is going to be so much fun!

(SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it.

Is she gone? Them and their squabbling. Although I suppose they're not the first couple to have problems. undefinedDid you have a nice day? At was okay. You know, our son got into your closet today. Okay.

Yeah, it's back the way you came. I love you, Lois. You know that, right? Just in case, I'll say it again. I love you. Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie. Look at that little foot. I'm gonna eat that foot. (LAUGHING) Give me that foot, it looks delicious. Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God.

And My Stepmother is an Alien? Almost all of them. Boy, I sure would love it if you guys would come to our house for dinner tonight. My wife's cooking sucks, but I just want to look at you. - You like meatloaf? - Yeah. Sure. All right, see you at 8:00. Man, I can't believe I'm gonna have dinner with two of the Three Amigos! This is gonna be way better than when we had that Victorian girl ghost over for dinner.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Peter, Don't throw out Brian's things. It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. He just needs to find himself. He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times!

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

Waffles! Buy waffles!

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

JOE: Yeah, I feel like she banged somebody gross. QUAGMIRE: You know, I heard the sweater budget on this show was 200 grand. Didn't you tell me that, Peter? Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)

Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby!

It's your fault for knocking her up. That's why I always use a condom. (LAUGHING) Sorry. I'm sorry. I can't even say that with a straight face. Sorry, fellows, have a good time. Man, I am so sick of this. Joe is just gonna keep bailing on us until that baby comes out of Bonnie's butt.

He's dead. I forgot my purse. All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet.

Sometimes I forget. Anything else I should know about? Well, my science class is taking a field trip to the water purification center. And? And it costs $10 for lunch and the bus. Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10? Look, I'm really sorry,

Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches. Fat people have Wisconsin. And I have the Pawtucket Brewery. N-Now, help me drink these beers. Peter, I'm not drinking this. Ok. Ok. all right. All right.

It's a cheeseburger.

...on TBS. All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls. Now give it a little gas. Oh, great, it's here. That mirror I bought on eBay. Oh, my God! (SCREAMING)

I say! Brian, look. 3 rows down. What? Is that Tom Bosley? What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switzerland? I--I'm almost certain. Tom! Did he look? I don't know. well, If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley!

The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

and we are to go and pay tribute. Hey, let me see that. This says, "Three Magi or Resident." I don't think they really care if it's us. Yeah, I don't want to go, either. Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow? We're off to Bethlehem! (CANNED LAUGHTER) CHORUS: Wise men

Janet's coming. Ah! Ahh! Yes, yes. Hi. Cookie? No, No, actually it's Stewie,

Now, come here, Brian. Come sit by your friend Stewie. And then think about this, have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? undefinedThey're the same person. " know, right? You're brilliant.

How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this.

Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight.

By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute, 'cause our phone bill was $7,000. Oh, Peter! I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches. Gross! I want to wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.

Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear? See you at work on Monday, Griffin. Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite Aid about this fake mustache. Well, I got my job back, Angela's happy again, and she's not gonna harass me anymore.

PETER: No. No, no. No, not you, Seamus. SEAMUS: Ah, poo.

And with today's gas prices, not a minute too soon. What the deuce?

Excuse me, is this McSwiggen Village?

Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.

Try it. Dad, I think Mom's right. Maybe you should go back to that doctor. Well, now wait a minute, Meg. Let's not be too hasty. These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient? Spugizakom. Ew!

Uh, No. That--That's why we're on the road. Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad!

Is it because I'm the pretty one? The talented one? (AS STEWIE) Oh, for God's sakes. You know, we're all sick of you! That's right, all of us! (AS KARINA) Sick of me? Oh, that's rich! You know, I wasn't going to say this, but Mother hates you! (AS STEWIE) That's not true! You take that back! (AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me!

All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Doorbell! Doorbell! Hi, We're from the One World, One People Book-of-the-Month Club. Is there something missing in your life? You know, I just bet there is. Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual!

- How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful. undefinedFinish it. Eat it. " hate it. Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on.

with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way. Well, somebody's got to step in. Tomorrow, I'm going down to James Woods High and offer to teach the class myself. Hey, you could really make a difference. Like I did when I taught money management to those drug addicts. There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money. For example, you're all shooting up.

Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed.

I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp. Oh, Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these. The crowd is storming the field! This is Pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat?

BOBBY! Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken!

Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it. Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die.

People are born that way. Now run along, or you'll be late. Hey, who's that, your boyfriend? (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Yeah. Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

Master Yoda, no! Hi, Hammacher Schlemmer? I'd like the wall-size crossword puzzle. Why, yes, I do have a credit card. Name is Yoda... Parseghian?

I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. aah!

Ah, Ah, ah! Ahh!

(EXHALES) I keep it in case I ever want to commit suicide, okay? Wow.

Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball! Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side. Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive.

Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food.

Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you. Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

PETER: Here's your milk.

Are you gonna take that? Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.

Lost 'em! Dag-blasted Lincoln lovers! Anyone seen my foot? "Man, was last night weird! "I kissed a boy. But the truth is, I really like him as a friend. "His name is Sam." You kissed Sam last night?

Out of respect. Lois, I have to say, you look so put together. Where do you buy your clothes? Oh, how sweet. Well, I love Anne Klein. Oh, I'll have to try them. I like the outfit you have on. Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure? Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady. This corn is special.

I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't. Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings... - Manet, honey. - What? It was actually the Manet exhibit. Not Monet.

Brian, what the hell did you do?

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.

Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back. And once our injuries heal up, we can all go for a nice, long walk. All right! Yeah! Wait a minute... (ALL LAUGHING) (SINGING THEME SONG) Joke's on you

(LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Griffin. Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today. I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin. Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man.

You have failed me for the last time. I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved.

I feel like we could become good friends. That sounds like fun. Wow, I think you're just about my most favorite guy who's gonna die soon. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Oh, no!

Look, I appreciate your offer, but I've got a pretty good thing going here. In a few minutes, I've got to be on camera in front of 800 people. Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight,

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.

You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what, Brian? Over. I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over. That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over.

Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips with jam booties!

Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father, 'cause we're more alike than we know. No one, no one No one ever Is to blame

(ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in. (CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.

Okay, let's split up and meet in an hour in front of The Yak Shack. And my mom is pounding on the door, and I'm like, "Mom, don't come in here. I'm yakking off." MAN: Boo.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - What is this, Lois? - It's jambalaya. It's a new recipe. (GRUNTING)

Good morning. Peter, what on earth are you wearing? It's a dashiki. And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name. From now on, call me Kichwa Tembo. Cool. And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley! Peter-- Kichwa! I'd like to have a word with you.

Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

We should sell you to the circus, you freak! I've never seen such productivity. How is this possible? I'll tell you how it's possible. Because this man always put his job before everything else. His wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son. I need hear no more. Everyone, this is your new shop foreman.

(IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC) Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!"

(LAUGHING) Lando! Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard.

Ma'am, the men who took your daughter are most likely members of a sophisticated network of human smugglers.

Not like my great-great-uncles, the Siamese twins... who fought each other in the Civil War. - I'm seceding. - Like hell you are. Not too smart, huh? Yeah, did not think that one through.

(SQUEALING) Gotcha!

So you're sure you don't need any house repairs, Mrs. Griffin?

Hello, LaDawn. Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse last night's indiscretion. It was just.... Oh, my God, LaDawn! What's that on your neck?

Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score!

Look, Peter, his car's still there. Maybe they haven't left yet. Quagmire, let me in, you son of a bitch. QUAGMIRE: (ON RECORD) I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you.

I didn't really want to do the work, so Bitch Stewie sort of did it. Hey, Stewie. How'd the clone turn out? Brian, I can't go to the bathroom by myself. Will you please help me? But I'm good at other stuff.

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

It doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy, or--or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby. You are who you are. Ha. I think I know what you're getting at. Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without--

I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

Jim, robot camels. Check it out, that one's wearing Crocs.

No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort! I want my $2!

Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me? I'm sorry, Meg. I had to tell them! Don't give him crap for this, Meg. He did exactly the right thing by coming to us. Don't you know what kind of fire you're playing with, dating a prisoner? Hold on, Lois. This is some serious parenting.

Stewie, we got to get the hell out of here before that loan shark finds us. Yes, you're right.

I wonder where that fish did go. A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh.

Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great, and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her. No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian. And you know what? I deserve to be lonely.

No, thank you, Peter. And even if I wanted to, the TV is out. There must be something wrong with the dish. It's all right. It's all right. I'll fix your dish. Where's my screwdriver? Holy crap! You're not going to believe what I just found. A yellow piece of paper? A raffle ticket, Brian. But not just any raffle ticket.

Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you Yeah, I'd die for you

Everybody hurts Two, three... Sometimes (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, New Brian, you're next! (LAUGHS) Oh, no. Oh, boy. All right, well, I can't do this alone.

Oh, my God. That does look like Peter's handwriting. (GASPING) There's no doubt anymore. Peter murdered his wife. This is fantastic! I'm completely off the hook. What the hell?

I win! Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face! In my face! In my face!

Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

Well, I should probably be saddling up now. Oh, Found the fire door. Oh! Look at how fat you are.

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been. Shh.

This is your god? A woman? Well, she's the founder of our faith. Oh, really? So with this book from the 1800s, you can pray away paralysis or terminal illness? Yes, we would pray for anyone who's afflicted.

Hey, you. Uh, hey, Ryan. Bad time? Um... Perfect time. Come on in. I was just oiling my legs. So, hey, what's on for tonight? You know, my dentist leaves his office unlocked. I was thinking we could do some nitrous and then have dinner in there.

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING)

Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he would have made me John Travolta.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Get off my plane. Oh, look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him. Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper. Good, 'cause she looked fat. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

(STATIC) Hello, ghosts. Come in, ghosts.

Oh, my God, this is delicious. What do you mean "all day"? What about all the housework? I did it in, like, an hour. I don't understand why you're such a freaking martyr all the time. It's a house. It's a finite area. I'm not cleaning a town. Hey, family, I'm home. Ooh. That smells fantastic.

You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert. - Right? Right? - Yes.

Well, I'm off to work at the brewery. Okay, have a good day, honey. You know, Brian, you and I should do... No.

You're an ass, you know that?

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing. All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. "Have you hidden my hatchet?" "'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?"

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

This is the smartest show on T.V.

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid.

Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh!

Oh, my. My intention is to defecate on you. I'd almost forgotten what it's like to be romanced. Come on, Bonnie, we are leaving. What? Look, I'm doing you a favor. My stool will sleep alone tonight. Bonnie, this is insanity.

...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo! There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.

(CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck. Boy, I've never been in the owner's box.

- Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't. - Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? I just used to think he was kind of funny. We should... We should get to the hospital.

B-b-But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only 2 years and-- Blast! This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature. Ok. Our next lot is number 15 in your program. This is a one-of-a-kind item. A super mega-death ray. It's got the power to enslave the entire human race. Do We have an opening bid?

Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it!

(CHIMING) Well, I got AIDS again. Better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS. All gone. What time do you suppose it is, Brian? I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million! Money, money, money

Oh, You know what? You need to learn how to loosen up a little, toots.

Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt Light a fire and pee it out

Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil.

Sir, about your bill... Oh, don't worry, Carstairs, there's ample gratuity on there for you. (CHORTLES) Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined.

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

Hey, guys, I just bumped into Carter Pewterschmidt outside. What a loser, huh? (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, when he wasn't looking, I stuck a springy snake in his wallet. What? (YELLS) And I switched out one of his eyeballs for a gag exploding eyeball. What? That's... (SCREAMS) And then I paid a couple of Mexicans to run over him with their car.

Promise me, Peter.

Doctor's appointment. Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God! Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God!

There's enough food to last us forever!

Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia, this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day-- Over! Fine! I don't need you! I can manage my own career! YeS. Yes, i'm-- I'm quite capable of that.

Gosh, this has been an amazing week, Brian. I still can't believe you beat up that guy who tried to mug us. That was a great dinner. Yeah, I really liked that salmon you recommended. Yes. May I help you gentlemen? Hey, you're in a tough part of town. Now, give me your purse, doll face. Hey, you get your hands off that! I don't care how many of you there are, you're not taking this purse! The hell we aren't. Let's get him, boys!

I thought we were gonna kill him.

Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative.

Oh, my. Tomatoes are $3.99 a pound. That's so high. Isn't that high? It seems so high. Oh, This is interminable!

Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be...

And whether that gift is Chris' fire conjuring... ...Stewie's telekinesis, Brian's super-speed-- Ask how the Queen of England is. - How's the Queen-- - She's great. Peter's morphing ability... Lois, I'm a wishing troll. ...my super-strength...

I am very busy. I think Betty White is in PETA. That doesn't even make any sense! (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh. Hi, Consuela. Hello, Mr. Peter.

Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.

About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised.

Whoa! Easy there, Spencer. Now behave yourself, and there'll be a withered carrot for you later.

Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward. Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it... a time machine. E-flat, Salieri! E-flat!

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

What a wonderful story. All right, I got one for you. So, me and Lois are driving up to Vermont to get this abortion... Peter! Hang on, hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it. All right. So, we're driving up to get this abortion, and we get to the abortion clinic, and the abortionist has one hand.

She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast. I guess that's sweet, huh? She... I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until...

Okay, get ready to go to light speed. One, two, three. (ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap. No light speed? No light speed.

Oh, Well played, sperm brother. Well played! He's more clever than I thought.

Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits. (GIGGLING) Oh, my God.

(SCREAMING) (CHOKING)

Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things. Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do

Of course, of course. Nobody can ever know. Absolutely. I'm right there with you on that one. There will be no kissing on the mouth. Okay. I changed my mind. There will be kissing on the mouth. Uh, all right. Good. Now, what else? What else? Uh, yes. If, per chance, it is beautiful, I reserve the right to cry. Peter, I can't imagine any scenario where this is gonna be beautiful.

(BEEPING) Nice work, fellas! And, David, you sold the most magazine subscriptions, so you get to invite four of your friends to a pizza party.

(ALL SCREAMING)

maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers? I don't use makeup, Meg. Of course you don't. You're all natural. Man, your dad must be proud! Actually, my dad passed away four years ago. Yeah, yeah, he did. He sure did. You gonna shower before dessert?

Really? Wow, thanks, Mom. Meg in low-riders. Enough of that. Go away, damn you.

Chris! HeY, you guys made it!

No, I'm not! Him. Yeah. He's a real lightweight. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed Just the women! Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married I have never been as angry as I... What is my piano doing down here?

(EXCLAIMS) Can you imagine? Every night! Don't shake my hand. You ain't got no hand! You a little truck.

Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that. Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on.

Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter!

Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.

Oh, My God. Where's Stewie? He's around. Argh! Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon! Peter, that's sick! It's ok. He's outside the underwear. Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin. Thanks, Jim.

Uh, Hello, everybody. This is, uh, just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director. A 5, 6, 7, 8. Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition

- LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What?

(LEAVES RUSTLING) Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! I told you all this yesterday!

What the hell was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks. Are you kidding? I learned from the bEst.

Great idea bringing Stewie to Fenway Park, Peter. Yeah. There's no better place for a father and son to really get to know each other than a ballgame. Where is Stewie? (PANTING)

We made it! Hallelujah! Get some! Well, guess there's nothing left to do but watch the end of Last Holiday.

(MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry! All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth.

I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license. Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time. So you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver. My own driver? Holy crap, that's awesome.

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

we just gotta get to that Twinkee factory, and we'll have all the food we need. Well, Good-bye, sweet home. Maybe someday we'll return. Hey Joe, can you keep an eye on the place? I might as well. I'm melted to the ground. There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school!

it makes my heart burst. It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is? Hi, Mr. Tucker. I brought some Rice crispy treats 'cause I remember you saying you liked them. See, look. This one, it's in the shape of a heart.

"We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything.

All right, are you ready for this? Okay. Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie? Uh... Yeah. Yeah, I'd probably do it. Hang on, hang on. Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. I think, still, yes. Thank you, Peter.

You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE! Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it!

griffin, That's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg Came up with that Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom! But Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying.

Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh. Well, I fixed the power line. But the town's zoning laws prohibit building a pool back there. What are you talking about? It's my yard! I'm sorry, but your house is too close to the curb. Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose!

Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS) Carter, get out of here this instant! I don't ever want to see you again. Pussycup, please. Mrs. Pewterschmidt, Carter has something important to say to you. I'll set the mood.

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

What's going on? We just got to the Sarlacc pit.

thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, and Greg became his slave? Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it.

and the cuts imply a struggle. So it was murder. But the question is who? Well, whoever it was wears nail polish. We found traces in the wounds. Well, that narrows it down.

All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what? Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00,

Yes. Sleep away, woman. But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent.

You wacky Beatle. Well, i--I have been making a lot of progress lately. I guess Missing one session wouldn't be the end of the world. There you go! Hey, What do you think they put in the bug juice? Bugs. No, they don't! Come on!

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him. Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse.

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING) I love the time we've spent together, you know that? Hey, Kathy, guess what? I'm out.

Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money. Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.

Life has new meaning to me There's beauty up above And things we never take notice of

Peter, look out!

Well, there are many more promising research methods for curing disease than animal testing. Name one. I want a hamburger. I have a sudden craving for quail. No, no! You're missing the point! We've got to change our way of thinking. Animals are miracles of nature just like humans, but our society hasn't figured that out!

Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot!

Oh, I know. And I'm sorry. So, what happens now? Will you just anchor the news by yourself? I suppose, for the time being. Well, that's kind of exciting, right? (CHUCKLES) You sound like my mother.

It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

Hey, Quagmire. Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or--or boating, or owning a boat. Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible.

That's not going to stop me! hey! That was my plan. Where's yours?

Holy crap. Evel Knievel gloves.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Peter, why are we stopped?

Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer. Who'd have thought? Wait a minute, Joe. That's the guy who opened the door to my cell yesterday and told me I could leave the asylum. Ah! Is that right? Well, then it all makes sense. Yamamoto wanted it to look like you broke out on your own.

Because I once got a note from the Marriott written on the same paper.

Hey, guys, look! It's him! Hey, Cleveland! Why didn't you tell us you were back, buddy? Oh, it's a lamp. You know, guys, I've been thinking.

I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty!

Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) Which one of you is the lucky bride?

How cute. It's a time machine! No! It's a... Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant! A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans.

Our own Trisha Takanawa is on the scene. is quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like. Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact quahog police immediately.

Melanie! Melanie! Over here. You look beautiful. Can't hold on much longer. (ALL GASP) I should have stayed in bed.

One-way to Providence, please. Yeah, how much to get to Providence? Brian? Stewie, what the hell? But how can you be... (GASPING) Oh, my God. Could it be? What the hell is going on?

Yeah, I fold. Hey, Come on, let's go home and get tender with your wife. I don't know, Quagmire. Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy. Heh, heh. All right!

I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?" Hey, there's all my favorite people! Oh, no, not this suck-up. What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews?

Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm in so much trouble. THE BUTT: Congratulations. You're caller number five. You're going to see Justin Bieber! HERBERT: Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never!

What the hell? What's going on with the news? This is terrible. Yeah, has he lost his mind? Well, I'll be damned. If I knew he was gonna do all that stuff I told him, I would've told him more stuff. What? Peter, you told him to do this crap? Yeah, he came to my house when he found out I was a Nielsen family. Asked what I wanted to see. Hey, hey, you know what would be cool? If he did the news with a family of prairie dogs,

Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me. You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!

(GRUMBLING) Cream of Wheat. (MUMBLING) Jeopardy! (MUMBLING) Butterscotch pudding. This is awful! What's happened to him? I don't know, dear. He sleeps 18 hours a day, he refuses to bathe, and he's stopped making any sense.

It's you and Penelope who've been doing all these horrible things! So? I've always been about world domination.

Oh, Wait. Did you say "Chris"? Stewie, time for breakfast! Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy? What the devil are you talking about? Handsome? I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak!

One, two, three! (EXCLAIMING) Help! Somebody get this baby off me! Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies! I can't believe it.

My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.

So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God.

If it isn't my half brother Stewie!

I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God. How do you do? Pleased to meet you.

Lois makes me take the rap 'cause our checkbook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew

No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off. Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.

I'm afraid so. But let's be honest, Peter. Bonnie and I seem to have grown apart. Boy, I never would have seen this day coming when we first met. Africa by Toto was playing.

Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch. (CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter!

(SCREAMING) That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that.

Where the douchebags come to party And to spend their father's cash Just to take home slutty women And then wake up with a rash Yeah, they wake up Wake up, wake up, wake up With a rash

Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

Is it not true that you went to see Dr. Hartman for a simple prostate exam? No, I went for a flu shot. At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome. I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am.

(LAUGHING) Racial slur.

Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly

Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty! Chris, you big beautiful man, I'm so glad you came.

Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter!

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

A tournament, huh? That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car! This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!

How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra?

One moment, please. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line... Out. Get out! Get out now!

Lois, I'm home. Peter. Daddy. Dad. What's your name again? I wanna say Allen. Oh, it's so good to see you guys. Peter, we'd given up hope.

And that makes us our own country! What are you talking about? Thanks to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the U.S. From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar down by the airport already took it.

(SIGHING) No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

Nobody likes you. I even let him marry my daughter Carol, damn it. I mean, doesn't that mean anything? No, not to West, that ungrateful bastard. It wasn't that aide that got stabbed in the back, it was me! (SOBBING)

it's illegal to disturb it. But He can't walk around with a bird in his beard. I'm sorry, You have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power! What is this? Spit Soup?

Yeah. Yeah, that is happening for real. Yeah. Yeah. I'll enjoy that more tomorrow.

Meg, have you seen Dad? Yeah, he's at the dentist. He's trying to get sick. Okay, go ahead and spit.

Ah, jeez. Oh, man. I hope I don't get pulled over. Ok, be cool. Maintain.

PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second?

like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time!

That's the guy who ruined our cable. Let's get him! Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you people? Ok, yes. My husband is responsible for knocking out T.V. But we should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us.

Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face.

And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth, we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys! Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

- I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie

She and Quagmire went up to his cabin for the weekend. What? Yeah, I drew you a crude flip book to explain what's happening. Okay, I got a little off track there, but they went to his cabin. Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin. He calls it his "sex cabin."

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

(MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.

Oh, Peter! I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches. Gross! I want to wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket. Oh, my God! (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

Hey, look what I found. Wow, authentic Native American remains. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site. Hey, look, it's Robin Williams. (GIBBERING) Black preacher voice.

because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie!

Damn it, Peter! Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year? Oh, A peace offering is it? Very well. what say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium? Well, Can you be a good boy? Hmm, Your inquiry intrigues me.

Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got steam heat I got

Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

What's this? Ooh, candy! Hey, Meg. I heard what happened. Yeah, Kent hates me now.

Well, things are gonna change. From this day forth, people are gonna know the name Peter Griffin... even ifl have to shout it from the rooftops. You hear that, world? I am gonna do something that people will remember me for. Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack.

Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa!

I better take my shirt off. (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow? I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here. Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work out. Oh.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR. "I'm so stressed.

Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.

(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC) How can you even say that? Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that makes you wanna blow your brains out, Stewie just sits there, and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here! Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya.

You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl. Dad, look at the facts about sex. "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent.

I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed.

Oh! I wonder who that could be. Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it.

Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job! "Great job," so you know that phrase. What's that? What? What phrase do I know? Bill Maher! Whoo!

Well, I don't know. There's a game on. Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up! Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game.

We're being pursued by two objects. Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby. Fire!

No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous. Ok, disability claim.

Ho! Ho! Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one. Yeah, Next one's coming for your head! Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent!

There aren't a million of those already. Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean,

You have a baby? Yeah, it's a long story. Damn kid's kept me up every night for two weeks. Now, where were we? Giggity Giggity... (SNORING)

Someone you can read the Sunday paper or share an orange with. Honestly, Darth, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. (STAMMERING) Well, I don't know what you want me to... Look, just go down to the moon and wait for your son. I have foreseen that his compassion for you will be his undoing. Got it. On my way. - No more of this Kurt shit. - Yeah.

Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny. You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey.

Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

Peter, she knows she untied her bikini. Women don't forget those things. Well, will you go over there - and pour a cold drink on her back? No. Will you go over there behind her - and yell, "Fire drill"? No. Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple? All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut.

What--What the hell is this? This? Uh, This is the part where you, uh, you beg for a treat. Oh, I don't think so. Brian, you're embarrassing me. God, he can't expect Brian to do that.

Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

Splendid. That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet?

I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy.

Levittown-type housing communities will replace individualism with fear and conformity. What do you think of that new kid at school, Marty McFly? Seems like he just showed up out of nowhere. Well, there it is. DREYFUSS: None of us could breathe.

By the way, the repair shop called. They said they can't fix your camera. Well, that's just great, Lois. That's great.

Oh, my God, I got so hammered! (WHIRRING)

You see, Misty, my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion. I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular!

Excuse me? Boy, I wonder where the shampoos are around here. I said, "I wonder where the shampoos are around here." Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought you were a regular person. Where's the shampoo?

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about. How was the cast party?

Ahh! This is horrible! You think this is horrible, try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother! What about your bar? It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes. Who'd buy a wrecked bar? The bar's not wrecked.

You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

well, I can't believe we just did that. Hmm. Uh, But, uh, you know, that--that stuff about spending the day together tomorrow, um, i--I forgot. Actually, I have a thing. But, uh, you know, you have my e-mail address. So drop me a line. And then I'll have yours. And, uh, we'll take it from there. So, um...

What the deuce? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Yahh! Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty.

(PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES)

Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving!

Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out. Oh, That's great, Kevin. You want a cookie every time you do something right? Go get some firewood! Yes, sir! He's gonna grow up to be quite a man! Mmm. That was incredible, Kevin. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad? Did I say you could rest yet?

Yeah, I'll see you there. (SOBBING)

Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. (SIGHS) Wait. Is it?

(JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie. This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie.

Ahh! Hello, Peter. Nate Griffin! Oh, My God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man! Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't.

Is there anything else we should know about? - Oh, have you not heard? - Heard what? A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word, a-well-a... All right, now the prosecution is about to show you items pertinent to this case that have been entered into evidence. It is vitally important that you look but don't touch,

All right. Saltshaker up the nose.

You want to buy a light-up yo-yo? Well, kind of.

Wow, what a turnout. Oh, hey, there's Glenn. Hey, guys. Hey, this is my date, Consuela. No, no, no. Okay, we're here as friends, but I'm gonna change your mind one day. Whoa! Easy there, Spencer.

(EXCLAIMS) Well, there's only one thing to do now. Go to plan B. Mom!

I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books.

"I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs."

That Guy! Diamonds, daisies

Are you gonna miss me? Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler. All right, I left you the number for the spa. See you in a few days. Not if I strangle myself with a seaweed wrap and die.

Y'all got a little friend of ours named Stewart up there. We was just wondering if you could send him back. Uh-huh. Well, yes, but I... Well, I don't see how that's anybody's business but my own.

Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that. Oh, come on. I don't think Quagmire appreciated the condition you returned it in last time. Glenn, can I just... (REGULAR VOICE) No! You can't have it! Hey, guys. It's James' birthday tomorrow. Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah. And don't just put your name. Write something clever.

(SENSOR MAKES BING-BONG SOUND) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG)

I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter.

Come back around, he'll try it again. Hi. Can you make it out to Kelly?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it, our final minutes.

I said no, Meg. I'll pay you a hundred bucks. Fine, I'll keep it in my bum. There'll be plenty of room. That's my sarcastic way of saying it's not gonna happen. Good day, Meg. Oh, it's gonna happen.

Oh, my God, Joyce, you've got so many great stories. Oh, come on, I'm sure you've done some crazy stuff in your time. Well... Oh, what is it? No, no, I can't. Lois, I feel like we're really bonding here tonight. Come on, let's hear it.

(BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)

Neil, would you-- I would be honored. Thanks.

I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott!

It's totally different! Sounds the same. Well, it's not! Okay, so he wants to be a woman, so he can be a lesbian? No, he'd date men. Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay. Okay, this is not the help I came over here for. Well, look, let's just all agree that he's odd. Huh? (LAUGHING) He has an appointment Friday with Dr. Hartman to have the procedure, and he wants me to go with him.

Look, you may need to reach out to some wealthy benefactors for financial backing. Do any of you know billionaire Bruce Wayne? No. None of us do. And he wouldn't want to lend us money anyway. I hear. Hey, hey, hey! What's up, Ginas... Vaginas? What's up, vaginas? (LAUGHS) Gotcha! Mr. Pewterschmidt, what are you doing here?

Glenn, we are so thrilled for you. Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back,

I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

What the hell? Oh, for God's sake, where's that white-noise machine? (WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! (SIGHS)

They can't cancel Jolly Farm. Peter, it's just a stupid kids' show. Just a stupid kids' show? What about Pengrove Pig and the Lollipop Luau? (STAMMERING) Uh, I don't know. This is going to leave a void, and somebody's got to fill it. I think you're overreacting.

(PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60. You wanted to see me, Grandpa? Yes, Chris. Your pledge period is over. The Skull and Bones elders are now ready to admit you to our ranks.

Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner.

You know, no one can win a gold medal by himself. it takes friends. And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today. My friend Peter. Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary! Let's give him a hand, folks. But that's nothing compared to what this next man did.

Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there. You been lifting weights? No.

She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide.

uh, uh... "Griffin."

All right, hands in the air! Vertically! Both arms should be parallel to each other! You, fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills. But first, fix that notepad so it's at a right angle with the corner of your desk! And tap that pile of receipts against a flat surface, so they're not sticking out haphazardly! You know what? Forget about the money! Everybody grab a broom!

You! Over here in the back! Do I hear $100? Oh, Come on! $5? All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime. Behind the fat chick! No? Ok.

Okay, that was good. That was good. Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take.

(BEEPS) (BEEPS) (BEEPS) Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in.

Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan.

Where's your bag, fatty? You're welcome to search my beef case. But there's mutton in there. (LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. You're in big trouble, mister. Oh! There's no pulling the wool over this guy's eyes. Looks like I'd better go on the lamb. Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

I'll take it! Ok, let's see what this baby can do. Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it. Lois, This is crazy. There's no way we're gonna be able to have maritals with you lying all the way over there.

When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice. Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"! Boys and girls, we have a new student joining us this morning. Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt.

There it is, kids. Columbus, Ohio. Now, remember, there are no rules about who can wear stretch pants here, so you're going to see some pretty shocking things. Brian, is this our vacation? Yeah. Oh. Are we trash? - Kinda. - Oh.

Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING)

I hope you like it. Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris!

Lynn, cancel my afternoon meetings. I--i--I gotta hit more balls at this fat kid.

All right, we got a ball game. Hang on, girls. I'll get you a couple appletinis. This is going great, Frank. This club and these clothes, my God, there's nothing that can stop us. (SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here!

No more oppression! We as American adults with free will have the right to use marijuana if we choose to!

But what I need now is a diversion. Let's see. Mmm. "Jingle keys." (CROWD SHOUTING)

Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so. Do you? Oh, No, I just always feel badly when we have to be strict. Oh, Did I remember to turn the stove off? Yes.

I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me.

Holy crap, that's the tattoo! Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is. 5-5-5-0-1-4-3. Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub. Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes. Good boy, Connor. Pull.

But the more that I know you the more it's a good fit

Hey, thanks again for letting me stay here. Oh, it's not really any trouble, Brian. What do you figure, just a few days? Man, who knows? It's just so good to be out of there. Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you. I mean, what is going on with this country? I mean, wake up, America. I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right? About the taxes? You know?

But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, Actually, that guy who did was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

Now, Put me back in my freakin' body, all righT? I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life. To hell with this. I'm going homE. What are you doing? You can't get in that way. I'm sure as hell not going in the back door. Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment.

Yeah, Up yours, Joe. - What? - Thanks. Hey, Chris. Hey, Dad! I'm working! I'm-- Ow! Careful, Chris, you don't get dental for 60 days. Hey, you that Griffin boy's father? Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager. Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it? Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS!

What do you say we take it for a spin? Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake. Come on, Meg. We can be like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Just get on.

I moved my abortion for this. Um, hey, thanks for taking me out to dinner, Ryan,

You're acting crazy out there, man. (SIGHING) No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

Just remember In the winter Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed

I'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol, you'll be completely unharmed? Why don't you, uh, give it a shot? Ok, here goes.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)

Nice job, man! Wow! That was really brilliant. Thanks. Just glad this nightmare is over. And I'm really glad I didn't kill the wrong Stewie. Yeah, me, too. Hey, come on, I'll take you home.

Holy crap! Who did this? It must have been my father. This is how the Amish declare a feud. But I thought they were nonviolent. We are, but Peter must have really pissed off my dad.

Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Get some, Peter! Nice job on that ramp, Joe. If there's one thing I know, it's ramps. Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken!

Gentlemen, we need to talk. My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke. That's just not true. What about this toy? Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys. Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter.

No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible!

Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

That's all right, sweetie. Now you run along and play in the mud. Attention, everyone, this is a twist tie. It comes with every loaf of bread. When we are done selecting our piece of bread, we use the tie to preserve... Oh, my God! (CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Get out of here. Scat! Man, they're gonna be so good at swinging bar-to-bar when they invade. Wow, Quagmire, how did you build that part so fast? It was easy. I just followed the instructions. I couldn't find the English ones. These are in Latin and those stuffy Ivy League professors won't help me. (CHUCKLING) - Nullum gratuitum prandium, Peter?

(ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom. A razor blade and a note? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally. Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating.

Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS) All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower. Now I'm going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool.

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way. Just to check in, make sure everything's going well with you and Brian. It's going kick-ass! Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What?

(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Jessica Biel and Megan Fox Wearing nothing but their socks Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Well, that's just not practical.

$53.98. Oh, no, I forgot to go to the bank. Uh, I'm a little short. I'll have to put the ham back.

I know, I've never seen anything like it.

What do you wanna do now?

The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney. And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.

and he used to sell bicycles. I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question? Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that? I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball!

Chris, Meg, I spoke to your father on the phone,

Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok?

The port is quite good. Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed. Is it raining again?

Around the side. And back again. Up high. Down low. Now, over by the diving board. Now, on the other side of the pool. All right, now, I want you to meet me at this address in an hour, and we'll slap five there.

"Dear Reek Publishing,

Hey, Meg. Proud of you. Has your father ever killed anyone that you know of?

Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman?

Each jingle bell is a requiem knell And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell

I know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, try. Yeah, okay, I'll try. - You want me to wipe your ass, too? - 0h, that's a helpful tone. I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing your powers a little bit, don't you think? Actually, this is all time that could be spent getting me my beverage.

All right, here it is. 625 Maple. That's the family that adopted Anna Lee. Hey, wait. Wait, guys! Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

Okay, I'm hanging up... in three, two, one. Okay, call me back. I'll be here all day, and tonight. Okay, bye.

Hitler! Hitler! How's it going, Mr. Hitler? It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants.

This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow. They have tennis courts! And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs! Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. Oh, I see.

God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears.

but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau.

Sweet statutory! You look beautiful.

Hey, Peter, you kind of look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder. A pirate? Oh, cool! You should get a pirate name. And a peg leg. And a hook hand. And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12. I mean, you should get an eye patch. Eye patch would be cool.

Hey, watch this. Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Holy moly! It must be my birthday! ooh! th-thank you.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING)

Yeah, whatever, Judge. None of this stuff's ever gonna apply to my real life. I'm just gonna go work in the mines, anyway, like my dad. How would you like to stay for an hour after the trial? I'm real scared. Is your dad hitting you, Peter? Shut up, just shut up! You have no right, man! You don't know nothing about my side of town!

'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing. Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter,

No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to... (FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out. Probably just making room for something. Like what? Hey, gang, got room for one more right in the middle of you two?

Check. "Peter in an open airplane door "slapping other Peters on the back as they parachute out." Go, go, go! Check! "Super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box "that will be delivered into the house." Hai!

Hello, everyone. Lois, did you put Stewie to bed? Yeah, he's asleep. Good. I'd rather he didn't know about this till it's over. He's just a baby. Now, since the operation is tomorrow, I thought it might be a good idea to just kind of close the book, you know?

Oh, no. What happened? (GASPS) That's terrible. Oh, my God, just awful. Well, you give them my best. Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach. Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's.

I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE. I just have to stay off it for a few days. W-w-waiT, you can't stay herE. Why noT? You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper? Oh, It's ok, Death. You just worry about feelin' better.

Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too. Oh, God! It's starting already!

What a marvelous vessel. It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier".

Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag! Get 'em!

I am a Jew. Prove it! What's a 9% tip on a $200 bill? $18. Which is fair. Oh, my God, it's true! But I'm so confused.

Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter! Yeah, Griffin gets it!

Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three? Yep. One, two... One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it!

Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed None of them be missed

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey (ALL SHOUTING) (SCREAMS)

What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da! I guess we got some kind of joker here! Look, Carter, I'll make a deal with you. You give me just one day to show you how great retired life can be for an old fella, and I'll let you honk the horn one time. - Really? - Uh-huh. - (HORN HONKING) - (LAUGHS)

Quagmire! Quagmire!

Yes. Yes, Mom. I love you, too, Mom. Okay. All right. Goodbye. (EXHALES)

So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night? Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. Oh, man, As soon as We got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.

We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.

For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him. Here. Right-- Right this way. Watch your step. Ok, they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something. I don't know. I wasn't listening.

Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la. Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought Marshmallow Peeps. Oh, okay. I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh.

Look, They better not be expecting us to give money because I gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God. Peter! Max, it was nice of you to invite us along. Your husband's got a good heart, Lois, but his views on Judaism are a little misguided. I consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything.

I just had a feeling. We're gonna miss you, Death. Hey, Don't worry. I'll be back. really, really soon. Is he joking? Ok, see you later.

Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina,

Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson.

He's knocking on the back door.

Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING)

Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!

Hey, baby, want some Adam West penis? This is unbelievable! Well, I am not gonna stand by while you let this town be destroyed by corruption! Mr. Mayor, I promise you this. Next election, I'm gonna run against you, and I'm gonna win. All right, Mrs. Griffin, you wanna take me on, fine.

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those.

Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question. Jets rule! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hey, Watch where you're going, will you?

$49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE. Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. I--I mean, nickels and boobs. Money. I'll be upstairS. Peter, why are you so-- Get out! This is a part just for the men!

All right. All but number two are free to leave. Ma'am, I know that you're going through a difficult time right now, but I just have a few more questions. Are you planning to vote tomorrow? What? Are you aware that Lois Griffin has a plan to cut property tax in half over the next three years? What does that have to do with what happened to me?

Those puppies in there are mine. And I'll give anything to be with them. Anything. I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat.

Glenn, what are you doing up there? Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay.

Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.

LOIS: Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot. PETER: Yeah, what did I tell you, huh?

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself--

So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose. Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight.

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby. This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine.

I got, like, five fish coming to help. Here they are! Help! He's hurting me! Well, maybe you shouldn't have led him on.

Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies!

She wore a mask. Don't you get it? If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING) JOE: So, what's the story, Quagmire?

Peter, it's making me watch!

I put him in a straight camp. You what? Oh! You bastard! Brian, why did you do that? Well, it's just that you seemed so unhappy and I just wanted to help you get your husband back. Who knows? By now, Peter could be completely heterosexual again.

All right, guys, keep an eye out for our stuff. I got tired of not being able to find my bags, so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it. This trip was impoceros! There we go. I really enjoyed sitting next to you on the plane, Chris.

And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA

and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity. - Would you like that? - Would I? Wow, that's a way better present than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas. Dad, all it's done is run on that wheel for the past three weeks. Yeah, looks like it's in pretty good shape. Can I pick it up? I wouldn't.

All winter long The midway and the fun The Kewpie dolls we won The bell I rang to prove that I was strong

Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

This'll be great, Quagmire.

Peter, I don't know how much more I can take. Stewie used to be so independent, but now he just clings to me night and day. I'm exhausted.

(HISSING) QUAGMIRE: (ON LOUDSPEAKERS) Victims of the almighty Sarlacc! His Excellency hopes that you will die honorably. But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas.

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing. All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

Perhaps we could have sexual intercourse. Count me in! I say, look at this. This toy has small parts. Why the devil would they include small parts? Unless, I'm supposed to eat them.

You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Was that for Party oF 5, too? No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party oF 5?

Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. (CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING) (GIGGLES)

I can change. I can change. I'm sorry, Peter. We're done. We can never talk again. Here's a cell phone so we can always talk. Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Mrs. Janetti. I'm here to pick up Stewie.

Well, he robbed his way from Utah to Oklahoma

Wait a second. You're saying that everyone is asked to do jury duty? Yes, Peter. So, then, I'm not special? MAN: Everyone's special, Peter. Rock drummer Tommy Lee! And if your wife ever tells you that you're not special, punch her really hard right in her hepatitis.

Look, Carter, I'll make a deal with you. You give me just one day to show you how great retired life can be for an old fella, and I'll let you honk the horn one time. - Really? - Uh-huh. - (HORN HONKING) - (LAUGHS) I'm pretending there's traffic. There you go, that's... Once! God, I wasn't even gonna do it!

But if you want a lady's love You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool A squirt, a spurt Of somethin' just for Ellen And you'll see that she will find you so compellin' And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin'

(BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian. You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air. Naked plastic chicks.

You're not making this easy, Kyle.

Hey, uh, Hey, Leif. It's been a while. Too long, man. I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so-- You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night. But--But I was driving. I... I was on a road to destruction, man. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I? C-Can We turn off the cameras, dude?

"I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for 9 grueling months."

Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric! Ew!

Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex? No! But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed.

Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!

Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money. Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out--

So You're just gonna let them recast me? It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan "B." Brian, put a mask on. I have an announcement. "Meg Griffin's plane "was shot down over the Sea of Japan. "It spun in. "There were no survivors."

What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.

Boy, I sure miss Lois.

But, hey, I'll make it up to you. Let's play catch. Okay. Wait a minute. You know what? - I think you should play catch with Jake. - Really? Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake.

Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Superman. Batman and Robin.

(SIGHS) We made it. Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey. Brian, there you are! Come quick. They're about to announce the unveiling of your statue on the news. Statue? For what?

Holy crap! This is hot!

but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--

Unfortunately, he couldn't make it. So in his place, we have LaToya Jackson. Thanks. Um, Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, God! How very inappropriate. Thank you.

Our armies are ready. Soon it will be time to leave the sewers and strike back at the humans in the overworld.

and when you touched Chris, you passed it on. - Kneel before Christ! - Ah! (CHUCKLING) Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends. Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian...

MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you! - Whoops. - I'm sorry. I don't think you want this book. It's all about atheism.

Oh, he's perfect. Time of birth, 11:34 a.m. Come on, Brian, hurry. (ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No!

I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster. Yeah, besides, they're still not going to let you on. You haven't actually lost any weight.

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

You okay? Yeah, babe. I got to pee, but I don't want to move. I'm so comfortable right now. I can pause it. I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to...

Good for you, Peter. Congratulations. You've just bought yourself a cursed boat. Cursed?

You mean this room we're in or your bum?

I got a surprise for you. Doritos! Huh? Not now. Later.

All right, good. Now I want you to call them as if you're their dead baby. No way, that was the last thing on your list. I can't do this anymore. Well, you should've thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse. I own you. Now, here's my post office key.

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

i wanna tell you I love your way ooh i wanna be with you night and day oh, Peter! Our song! Happy anniversary, Lois.

Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg? That'll be enough of that, lad. How about Eileen? Ringo got it. Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one. Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Peter, I have a bad feeling about this man. He's not the kind of person I want hanging around our family. Honey, you're overreacting. Will you please just listen to me for once? That man is bad news! I want him out of our house and out of our lives! All right. Look, I'll just give you A little something to help you relax. Now! Ok.

Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace. Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

"where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower." Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable! Oh! Clumsy oaf! Michael Flatley must be turning over is in his grave. Wait a minute. He's not dead yet. "Michael Flatley."

If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?

Hey, is fat ass home yet? Put him on, I want to talk to him.

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000. What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money?

Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET.

We need one of those boards they use for football players! (GRUNTS) Hey, what's going on? Nothing. I just figured out why cats are better than babies. Well, that's kind of a broad statement.

Something troubling you, Peter? Nothing. Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife. You'll never know if you don't know now

Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles.

Patrick? Patrick! Oh, crap! Guess we lost him. Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING) Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it.

My family's working so hard to pay my tuition here, and I feel bad. Is there any way you can get me back into James Woods High? Well, I suppose I could pull some strings, if that's really what you want, Chris. It is. All right, consider it done. Thanks, Grandpa.

I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas. Yeah, it was probably very moving and fictional. Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need? It's the greatest story ever told, Meg. A story that goes back over a hundred years. Yay, Star Wars! No, Chris.

From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To... To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things.

Oh, my God, could you leave me alone? You are the neediest kid. I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us. - It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1.

Just take it off Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? No, but I'm ready for therapy.

(ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (GRUNTS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Very good, sir. (FARTING) Lois, how could you let your idiot husband take over my company? He fired all my staff, his stupid ideas are bankrupting Pewterschmidt Industries, and now he won't step down!

Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that!

Next time we'll let you do a solo. Don't encourage him! From all of us at Family Guy we wish you Christmas joy. May all your wishes now come true for every girl and boy.

"Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up? Yeah. It was "kitty"! Peter, isn't that-- Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet! How about some whipped cream?

What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission.

Lifetime, television for idiots.

I know. She's like the boy who cried wolf. (BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles! Oh, my God, I'll run and get help. No, no, we've got to carry him! We can't leave him here, there's a wolf!

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Peter, you're really putting away those Mentos. These aren't Mentos, Lois. Everybody, you're looking at a guy who's gonna set a new world record. I am gonna eat more nickels than anyone has ever eaten before.

Sum 41 is the band that married Avril Lavigne. Oh... Huh! Seems like everybody would turn out a loser in that situation. Everybody did. (HORN BLOWING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, hey, hey, you want to buy some candy bars so we can get some new uniforms for our baseball team? Where'd you get those candy bars? LOIS: Peter, I need you home. You also promised you'd fix that shelf in the garage. Lois, I'm losing you... (MAKING STATIC NOISE) Hello? Hello?

- Cybill Shepherd? - Yes. (UNSHEATHING)

TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11. How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there. TOM: This major breaking news just in.

No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint? Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one.

Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr. I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please.

Here's a bunch of words in a row. Because the economy's so bad, they've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons. Yeah, yeah. And they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress. I don't get that one! Hi, there, Jeff. Hey, what's going on, dudes?

Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

They were promised a single millionaire, but it's really just a bunch of horny squirrels in a rich-guy suit. So, you made your money in business? Where's your room, handsome?

Hey Lois, you remember when I was the 3rd Hardy Boy? Peter, there was no 3rd Hardy Boy. Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores! - Hey! - ahh! Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right. Can we please just drop it? It's just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin,

You gave me strength To stand alone again To face the world Out on my own again You put me high

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here.

Just come out whenever you're done. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Oh, God! I... I think I feel them moving.

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you.

Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out.

(CHUCKLING) I may have dipped into the tax surplus.

I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made. Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. I call the white meat. I call the dark meat. I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No!

What are you gonna do about it? What are you.... I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

That's just me up there. Listen. MORT: If this is it ooh wah Please let me know If this ain't love You better just say so If this is it They say I've got Jewish honey in my voice. Jewish honey is mucus. But I thought you made a lot of money here.

I say, we've been puttering around this fat farm for hours. I've had enough. Hey, Stewie, they got... Stewie? Oh, my God, he's gone. Has anyone seen my son? Hello? Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how!

I said, I'm not going to change you.

is being that blind guy. Don't give up yet, Peter. I mean, many blind people live rich, fulfilling lives. I don't know, Brian. I mean, I guess I can give it a shot. Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't do it. I thought, "Is this in bad taste?"

But Brian, Brian's solid. He's the one guy I know I can trust. Brian tried to have sex with me. Was he bigger than me?

Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?

What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Hey, I'm talking about evidence here. There's lipstick on it. Yeah, well, can you bring it over to me? I can't move it. This is a crime scene. Well, can you describe it to me? You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay? Oh, no. Just....

You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone. Do you hear yourself? He shouldn't be hitting you at all. I don't think you understand how serious a matter... - Close your menu. - What? Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order. I'll give you another moment. God damn it. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time.

Well, you just ate my tip. Igot it! Peter, you're really putting away those Mentos. These aren't Mentos, Lois. Everybody, you're looking at a guy who's gonna set a new world record.

I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you. um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Down therE? Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no! oh, That was Brian's favorite commercial. "Brian"? "Brian"?

If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep.

(SNIFFING) - Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint. - What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! (STEWIE SCREAMING)

Listen, For what it's worth, I'm real sorry my wife's ancestors made you suffer so much. Oh, Don't worry about me. If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter. W-w-Wait! Before you go, what's Heaven like? Oh, It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs.

But I would do anything for you, Brian. I'll be on the veranda since you're already on the cross. Oh, Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns. May I have one on a plate or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose? Peter, Brian, stop this.

Hey, we have almost the same voice. Excuse me, I'm the prison doctor. I'm here for Andy's check-up. Andy Dufresne? Yeah, Andy Dufresne. We can't find him. Well, that's no good. All right, you two are gonna have to leave.

There's different ways to measure intelligence besides someone's grade-point average! Fact is, she rumpled up some poetry she wrote and threw it away in a fit, but I un-rumpled it, and it was really good! (SIGHS) Fine. Amber, would you like to have some dinner with our family? Nah, I can't. I got a wicked bruise on the back of my throat.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God. (STUTTERING) No, it's really not that bad. It only hurts when I see. You don't have to stay with a man who treats you that way. Oh, Jeff's sweet. You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone.

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is. Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... This is Peter Griffin.

All right, then. Have a tasty afternoon. (CHUCKLES) Ah, there's a smile. So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?

Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot...

Yeah. I remember when I became a man. The operation was a success. What are you gonna go by now? Peter. You know, Chris, we'll have to do something about that. But I don't wanna get rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day.

Peter, why in the world would you want to play golf with O.J. Simpson? Why not, Lois? He's The Juice. One of the greatest football players ever. Peter, he murdered two people. What? He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson,

One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs.

Well, that was a miscalculation.

You're a meanie!

It's too bad we're not Taken from Taken. Then I could dip my head in brown paint and galumph around Europe looking for my hot daughter. Although is it any worse than what they're doing? They're letting a kid die. It's too bad we're not Dragonheart. Then we could just fly around on a dragon and forget about all this. You know what? That's exactly what we should do. What? What the hell are you talking about?

A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight. He's all yours, Joe. You're lucky I've got some extra pull around here...

Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake,

I want a brand-new pitching wedge I would like more Lemon Pledge That's all I really want for Christmas this year

What the hell? Hey, pal, what're you doing? This is our bar. Not anymore. Horace owed more than this place is worth, so it's the bank's now. I'm sorry, but The Drunken Clam is permanently closed. Closed?

(WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) Are you a pedophile?

CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up.

You run along and play alone somewhere. Shame on you all, getting her hopes up like that. See, I thought if I held Connie Demico's toad, she'd make one of the cool guys ask me to the Winter Snow Ball. You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance? Meg, haven't we taught you better than that? N-Now, hold on, Lois. now, People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted.

MAN 2: Why are they mumbling? Why does everyone in pictures today mumble? I can't hear!

Okay, here we go.

ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this! Hey, anytime you can celebrate the end of someone's periods. Everyone, everyone, I have something to say.

Listen, I got to go. Really? Don't worry. You'll see me again. Good job, Brian. Don't worry. I'll help you through this. So, you wanna get something to eat? Can we go someplace where the menus have pictures of the food? Let's go someplace where the menus have pictures of food!

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right? So fun. You know, I had a really fun night, Brian. You seem like a really cool guy. Yeah. Um... Hey, you know, if you don't mind,

Yeah, really is another world out here. And just so quiet. (HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE) I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you

Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack!

What the hell's all that noise? Brian, it was Bertram! He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to... (RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES)

After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina, where I managed to get a job at a summer camp for fat kids. It was my job to keep the children from eating each other. Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out!

(ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too. - What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know.

some nights around sunset, the screaming black dolphins come out. Oh, wow! Really? I've heard they're just beautiful. (IN AFRO-AMERICAN ACCENT) What's going on, man? Oh, what's going on yourself? (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) - I almost drowned yesterday. Oh, man! It's wet out here. Oh, look at them. They're magical, aren't they?

To be, or not to be... (MAN 1 GRUNTING) MAN 2: Harder! Ignore that, that's not part of the play. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler... MAN 1: This isn't love, by the way.

my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils. 3 of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament. Oh, Come on, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry.

And that is why we celebrate Hanukkah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long before we play "Pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door"? Now, does anyone have any questions? Yeah, I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ass? And it's also why many families give their children eight days of presents. Wait. Did she say eight days of presents?

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

What are you standing here For? You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! Not this baby! Hey Lois, you seen my pants? Boy, WIll I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. HEy, Lois, what's with the sign? Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board.

but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead! Please, there's gotta be something you can do!

Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.

It means we can do something. Come on, Peter. You're almost there. We can go to K.I.S.S.-Stock! Hey, yo, LOIS! WhaT?

and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

All gone. What time do you suppose it is, Brian? I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

we shall tell tales of other times we had our fill of bread and wine. God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.

Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. That one is also sexual.

That coffee mug you have on your desk that says, "Life's a beach"...

No! Right! Go! Go, go, go. All right, twist it counter-clockwise. I am twisting it, you're twisting it the other way.

Okay, I think that's enough. I got more funny ones. I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix.

(GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop. Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room... it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit. Man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. Always makes me feel so stupid. More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car?

I don't know what's going on with Meg. She doesn't want to leave her room these days. She's depressed 'cause she's in love with a man she can't be with. (BED THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS) Listen to that. Poor kid, banging her headboard into the wall out of frustration and loneliness. Probably got her legs up in sadness.

- Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Peter, what brings you here?

Ah, yes, here it is, "One way." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out. In a body bag from dog injuries. Good day, ma'am.

I declare this land Quahog!

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING) Meg, there's something we need to talk about. Dad, I swear to God, I thought you could flush those things. Meg, you ever heard of Joan Van Ark? No. Here's a picture of Joan Van Ark. Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.

Don't worry, Brian. I've got it all under control. You're a big canine star.

Morning. Jeez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you mean? Aah!

Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Wow, look how organized he is. He's already got his sugar cut up into neat little lines for his breakfast tomorrow.

But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it. (SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy, "Maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys. I mean those big, "Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys, not the "fix up your house" gay guys. Peter, shh! It's starting. You must be Autumn Daniels.

Nothing bad happened! Uh, is--Is that a beer hall?

Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea.

Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story. Yes. I was so traumatized they sent me here. And I guess they must have forgotten about me.

STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here. What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with...

Hey, Brian, where are all the people? They'll be here, Frank. We just got to give them time. And wouldn't you know it, there's our first customer. I'll entertain him while we wait for more to arrive. So thanks for coming. How you doing tonight?

What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did. (ALL GASPING) I respect Brian's courage. It's not easy to stand alone, or find the child who stands alone,

It's all your fault.

How long have you lived in Quahog? Well, I used to live in the city, but I decided moving here would be a little more relaxing, a little more manageable, and it's a great way to stay in shape. What do you do for a living? I work in accounts receivable at Quahog Insurance. It's not too demanding, the pay is good, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power. Only one man can stop him.

- Oh, Brian, there you are! Thank God! - Oh, hey, Stewie. Did you make that coffee? Uh, no, it was here when I came in. I assume Lois made it. Don't drink that! Hey! That mug was my crew gift from Class Holes!

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.

MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening? I got it!

I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture. Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

Oh, my God! Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes.

Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe!

(PHONE RINGING) Hi, my name's Classy. What can I do for you, hot stuff?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun. Look, I'll do it myself. How about that? Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me. I mean, I think we should do what he says. Well, yeah, but, Brian... I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in.

I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg.

He would have been four today. I still don't understand.

Great workout, Bobby. Up yours, sack breath! That's "Mr. Griffin."

You know, Lois, you might actually be interested in reading this. You might actually... You might like this. You should look at it. All right, damn it!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Oof! Ahh! Ahh! Ha! Ugh!

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.

Oh, I am so sorry.

All right, Fox News auditions, take one. Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories. Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle,

Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake

Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh?

But she's my favorite.

But I do it every day. Sometimes twice. Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again! God's watching me do number 2? oh, man. I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert. - Megan! - Aah! How was school?

Well, I hate to admit it, Lois, but over the last couple of years, this town has changed a lot, and not necessarily for the better.

Hey, Brian. Where were you last night, buddy? Oh, I was... I was out. I got a little wrecked after dinner, and I didn't want to drive home. Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"? (ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute! How the hell do you guys know about that already?

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart!

I'll always be there, Dylan. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko. (LAUGHS) Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it. You know, Brian,

You may have killed her when you hit her with the stool. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her. Smoking! You have our support, Griffin.

Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

Mom, I don't think I can--

and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died!

We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer.

That's Vern-Vern-Vern-Vern.

Dad, I need you to... Dad, what are you doing? Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look. I am so freaking good at coloring. I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself.

Well, Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student- master relationship. Oh, Then allow me. Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury!

(COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth.

(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right.

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe.

So get ready, fuckers.

It hasn't come yet. Oh, I mean, did you ever make it with one of the dogs? No! Stupid!

Is that ham? I thought you put that back. Oh, um... No, I put the other ham back. I don't remember another ham. Well, you were too busy eyeballing that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover. Hey, she is a handsome woman. Well, well! Look who's carrying a little flame for Glenn Close. What a surprise!

I'll be on your bed. No calls. Hey, Lois.

Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)

You.... You guys know I have no problem with black people, right? Yeah. Sure. You did say you hated Croolrlyn.

Where are we going? Son, it's too late for me, and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit. We're gonna take you down to that synagogue and turn you Jewish! Ok! Chris, duck!

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack?

Oh, Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force! Wow. Looks like you have a fan. Come on. Let's get out of here. Peter, you can't leave.

What the deuce? Where did this come from? Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

Time to initiate Phase 2. All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies.

Oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me,

(ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey!

Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know. Hey, there's Quahog Harbor.

Goodnight, Brooke. Thanks for a lovely evening.

It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky And they'll tell you real sweet With a musical tweet It's a wonderful day for pie

London. Hey, Dad?

Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy! Lois, what the hell's up with you lately? You're acting all weird, and you're staying out all night.

Brian, you really seem to be enjoying your wine lately. It's only my 2nd glass. Dad, if bad men broke into the house, and they had guns, and they put a gun up to your head,

And where it says "sex," I'll write, "No, thanks. I'm dead."

I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello! - Hey. What's going on? - What the hell? Get out of here! What? We're on the same team. We shower together. Yeah, in the locker room. Yeah, yeah, come here, you. Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy?

(SCREAMING) (GROANING)

That if they should so desire to create a little fire They could reach across her nose and give each other a kiss

I only want your Tango & Cash. So just Pay ft Forward and we'll all be Happy Gilmore. What? So, how's my suddenly lesbian daughter doing?

Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs.

Now we've got what it takes to be very best friends BOTH: A friendship is the best thing ever MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better

I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks. These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions? I would check the point first before re-priming it.

And in the event of your death... you'd like the insurance policy to be paid to your wife? Yup. And your wife is this piece of pie? You got it. Love you. Okay, sign here. You know what? You can probably go ahead and cancel that.

The movie never ends ft goes on and on Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard!

oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

You talk to Matt Lauer lately?

To end the show? MAN: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live!

(SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?

It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

What? I said, I wouldn't do that. I said knock it off! Why? Because I just made stool in there, and if you blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink. Do you understand? Do you understand me, sir? (DOORBELL RINGS) Peter, what brings you here?

Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right? But that's only because I've truly connected with the one bit of flesh and blood that I have on this earth. And I have no intention of giving that up. Who wants a half and half? I'll throw my hat into that ring.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous.

remember what happened when he tried to sneak me into the County Fair? Uh, One, please. Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no, No! Nothing about this adds up at all! Ok, look. Dad is really easy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES)

QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place.

I am? Yeah, and it's gonna be here soon, so you might want to spruce yourself up. Maybe walk in the creek a little bit. Oh, and he probably don't want me to tell you this, but be ready 'cause he might give you a little bit of a donkey punch.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already. Lois is on a date with Quagmire, and you've gotta stop her before something happens. What? Oh, my God! Where is she? She's next door at his house. And you better get there quick, because with Quagmire, sex is inevitable.

The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen. Really? Oh boy, that's a relief. Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!

Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it. Nice try. But Marian's over there. Don't hurt her! Now, let him go! Okay! Okay!

Why are we dragging this out? It's 6:30. Go ahead, Peter. Go on! Be with your own kind! We're all gonna miss you, Dad! More than you know!

Hey, Joe, open your eye.

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris.

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

Anyway, I'd be happy to help you conduct a search of Quahog and find... What the hell? Where am I? I didn't just bite into a YORK peppermint patty, did I? Mayor West, you're in Russia.

Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about?

Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

I'm Luke Skywalker.

And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time? Don't you see, you guys? I did this for the family.

Cinnamon buns are his favorite.

Oh! Boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.

Angela! Angela, wake up! What the... Griffin? Angela, what the hell are you doing trying to kill yourself? Why the hell did you pull me out of there? You should have just left me alone!

The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too.

LaDawn! LaDawn! LaDawn!

You think you have the skin for that? Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What?

(SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him? And in conclusion, whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars, follow your heart and make it so.

It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm...

Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie. Honey, if you wanna lose weight, I'll put you on a diet, and your father can help you exercise. Really? Why don't you do what the supermodels do?

Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well...

There's way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation!

(GULPS) There we go.

(LAUGHING) Boy! Have I been having some fun at your expense, old man!

All those drugs that are flooding into Quahog are from us. Oh, yeah?

Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT?

Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other? What? Well, I try to keep them separated, but I woke up this morning and they were sort of together. I just didn't know. Is that okay? You have both? Well, yeah. Doesn't everybody? No!

Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here humping you!

Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

It's over, Leonard. I suppose I should be grateful to that saucy harlot. She taught me a valuable lesson. There's really no such thing as love. It's just a puffed-up word, used by Madison Avenue to sell their skin creams and 2-seater cars. Oh, it's no use!

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics...

Is there a problem, Officer? Can I see your license, boy? "Boy"? Oh, God. Uh... I left it on my other collar. You been chasing cars tonight, boy? Look, the name is Brian. I was just out for a little walk. That's all. Uh-huh. Without a leash. I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk.

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again.

Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS) (GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Should we help him? Eh. (MUFFLED) I think...

MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better BOTH: With you Hey, where you guys been?

Shut up. RED: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob.

Yeah, okay. Well, can you just give him this flier?

but not enough to pay us back? Do you know how much mustache cream that could've bought? I don't like the mustache, Fred. Nobody likes the mustache. That's why we lost the trial. That's not true. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Come dance with me, Dad! Soon, Meg, soon. But first I must inhale. (INHALING) And again. And again. Let's go to the Hollywood Hills and kill a bunch of people.

Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir. Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows.

You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.

Oh, my God. Oh, no! I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. Peter, look out! Holy crap! Oh, my God! Mr. Tucker, are you all right?

You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa!

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!

How do you know my language?

vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

(FARTING) There's your smear campaign right there, Brian.

I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom,

No. I'm--I'm, I'm a working man myself. No. It's tough out there. Yeah. You know, you can't... You got to find a way. It's tough, it is. All right. Well, uh, can you stop this thing so we can get off? Uh, no. I mean, I-- I'd love to. Uh, but it--it stops at the predesignated stops. You know, I don't, I don't have control, you know, over that. Oh. That's the engineer who does that stuff. Well, how...

Now, give me your purse, doll face. Hey, you get your hands off that! I don't care how many of you there are, you're not taking this purse! The hell we aren't. Let's get him, boys! Brian? Stay right there, Kate. I'll handle this. (GRUNTS) Yeah, you like that, huh? This guy is tough!

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Hey, bitch, wanna suck on my tooth?

My job sucks. I'm tired ofalways scrounging around on the bottom rung of society... getting kicked around by the Man. Like when I worked in that lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Agreed, Peter.

Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee"

You, uh, might want to hold him. Hold me for what? What the deuce? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Yahh! Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um,

I've traveled back in time. That's absurd. Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes. Nazi stuff? Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.

Now if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers. See? We're having a nice time. Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur.

"maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

Hey, you want to hear a real live-action fart instead of one of those fake, cartoony ones? (FARTS QUIETLY) We're gonna need another pair of pants and another chair.

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity.

You know I carried Pirates of Penzance that season at Quahog Community Theater. I am the...general... (MUMBLING) ...mineral... historical... (MUMBLING) ...with the eggs on top

Hi, Glenn. Come on in. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't care what you do!

Damn IrisH. Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein.

Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it! Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun herE. Look, I-If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit. I was doing shtick, I tell you! Humina-humina-humina!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) All right, this is the place. We got to see if we can find Briggs's girl. Hey, we're looking for a stripper named Tanya. She here tonight? Yeah, she's working the Champagne Room.

To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying, like people who never shut up about their kids.

All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut.

You did it, Stewie. You did it.

That's pretty cool.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved,

So just Pay ft Forward

You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog.

High five! All right!

ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here!

Dynamite Dynamite

This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex! Oh, And could I get that waitress' address?

I hope you like it. Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful.

Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off?

Can we please just drop it? It's just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized! He's just using that as an excuse. Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP! Oh, Hey, Clevemire.

Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context. There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control,

Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) Are you sure Stewie can find his way out? (WHISPERING) We just got to be patient, Lois. Like waiting on the results of a blood test. A real important blood test.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that.

Oh, my God, Peter, it looks like there's been a break in. Do you think so?

Ooh, you make me live now honey Ooh, you make me live Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had

I'm going to the Country Club Dance with Glenn. I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them.

(GLASS SHATTERING) PETER: This is crazy! Is nobody really making me flapjacks yet? At this point, you guys are being as irresponsible as I am! (GONNA FLY NOW PLAYING)

Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur.

Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow! Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton.

Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland. I need some passion in my life. I need a real man. And Lord knows that ain't you. Well, I admit after a long day at work

Ah, cool. Hey, Mort, what's this thing? Oh, that? That's my "Come in, we're open" sign. What's that, like an iPad? No, it's a sign. Wish I had one of those. I've got a whole box of them. Take it. It's yours. No charge. Typical Jew.

Hey, Brian, who are you dating? Jessica Tandy? Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs! What are you guys talking about? She's a beautiful woman. You know, Lois, you, of all people, should be pleased. I mean, all the crap I take for dating young bimbos. How old is she, Brian? What difference does it make? Age has nothing to do with anything.

And there's Warren Buffett. So, the gym teacher says, "How'd you get the two black eyes?" She says, "I don't know." Oh, I forgot to say she's got two big jugs. (LAUGHING)

Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"? I say, Janet, do you like this couch? Oh, You truly are beautiful. You know that? Oh, Janet, our future is so bright.

You understand me? Dirty, Dirty girl.

If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated. But you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough!

What are we supposed to be doing again? We're looking for Muriel Goldman, honey.

I pretty much just threw myself at Lois. So, you finally did it, huh? Well, look, Brian, as your friend, I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero, man. I mean, I just... I wrecked that thing on the way out. And just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall.

You've got the best Spike Lee stories. What's that? You want to meet my wife? Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello. Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

sh-Should have sent a poet.

And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING)

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9. For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V.

Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value?

MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary! You must remember this

Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

10-four, everything is Charlie 40 60. What does that mean? I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far. (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman! MAN ON RADIO: Roger that. We're moving to your position.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Hey, you! Stay!

All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names.

Madder. Madder!

Blackie, tell the boys in Kansas City the bet's off. Too late, Stewie. The fix is in, and the noodles are boiling in the pot. Boiling, I tell you! Ahh! Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I figured out my revelation. Uh...

On Moonlight Bay We could hear the voices singing They seemed to say uh, Sorry. I don't do dog shows.

I need to spread my legs and fly. (CAR HORN HONKING) Keep the kid. Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter! Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Go, Dust Mites! I wish they'd put Chris in already.

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to. Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS)

Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that.

you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah!

Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

What the hell is all this? This is history, Brian. A key moment in the history of happiness. - Have a seat. - (SIGHS) (MUSIC PLAYING) I cried a tear

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry He's a family guy

They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it,

You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS

I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn.

Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it. Here, this is for Megan. Oh, what is it? It's a cookie from lunch period at the home. Well, I'm sure she'll love this. I want to see her eat it.

Yeah! All right. We pulled it off, guys. Oh, thank God. And all because I believed in myself like Pop-Pop always said. Please give me rat poison, I want only to die. No, we did it, Pop-Pop.

Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital. I just feel awful about this, Mayor West. Yeah. Me, too. Stewie, fluff his pillows. I'll heat up his soup. And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. Nope. Now, now. The doctor says I'm gonna make a full recovery.

you heathen dummy? Pop, why you gotta be like that? We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines. That's my boy. At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.

And Tattoo here will keep an eye out for the kidnappers. Uh, Higgins. We'll need to Have security unlock the gate for me out front. Ok, Tattoo? Uh, it's Higgins. What? th-The name i-is Higgins. What's your name? Tattoo!

We are gonna be so late. I'm not gonna have a partner. I'm gonna have to be partners with the teacher. It's just wrong for the military to mess with kids' minds. They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was. Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that.

(PETER SCREAMING) (GROANING)

Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg.

Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns some real-world experience. Hey, That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper! I'm so jealous! Better put in for some new interns. Good luck!

Isn't anybody gonna thank me? Yeah, I'll have a water if you're getting one. Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!

You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys.

Obtuse. You're being obtuse. Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse? No, now you're being acute. RED: That time in the hole changed old Andy.

You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. I said, when people die, they void their bowels. PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass.

And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you?

(SCREAMING) Lois, what the hell are you doing?

Uh, yeah, 2 mutton joints, please. Oh! Thou wishes to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine. Listen, you freak. We don't all watch Frasier, ok? Now Give me 2 mutton joints. Thank you.

I'll give you each $20.

Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

Not sitting so well. Just "okay"? Didn't try anything new today? - Talk to anyone interesting? - No, not really. Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me. My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING) PETER: Brown house.

You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her. Oh, yeah? What do you know about women? You want to know how to get women? There's only one place in town you need to observe. Just watch.

Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk. (ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on? Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one.

(SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.

Mom, it's been three months. When is Dad gonna get better? Chris, I've already explained this to you. Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover.

Look, Meg, I do care for you, but I care for you like I would a niece or a good friend's daughter. (SIGHING) I feel like such an idiot.

The scene outside the U. S. - Petorian border as the sun rises on Day 1 of Operation Desert Clam.

From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way

Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.

You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now.

Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now. Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey. What is it, Lois? I--I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore.

So do I. There's two. Well, that's stupid.

- It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know, I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie. I've never even seen the ending. You've never seen the ending? Well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?

All right, enough messing around. Let's play this game. Let's play some football. Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude. How many times have I told you, no showboating? Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun. I got it under control. Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break!

Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love. Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh, excluding that first "ha." Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes. Aha! Her eyes are green! Aha! Thank you for proving my point. Damn!

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell?

(GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt. (SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war." My God, look at you. Oh, look at my complexion, Brian.

I don't have my shoes. Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes? I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me. All right, I'm putting our names in.

- Peter, what the hell is that? - This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus. What do you need a Seeing Eye dog for? Well, because I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive. I don't know when to cross the street. And I took a dump in the church confessional... which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first. But I don't know.

Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.

(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS) (GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh?

I'm Ed Bradley.

Okay, well, we have to grab our friend, Peter. He just headed out that way to get help.

What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. It's like taking a watch off a dead guy. Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe. Real oddballs. I don't trust them. I saw them taking coupons out of our mailbox. I offer you a recipe.

where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa.

Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage.

Each little elf used to fill up a shelf Making playthings and selflessly thrilling us Now they're on crack and it feels like Iraq Because Christmastime is killing us

Whole body, Joe. Whole body. Come on. Go bananas. Am I doing it? Am I doing it? Fuck's the matter with you guys? All right, let's try something else. Okay, this is a warm-up exercise called "One-Word Story."

This was the soundtrack to my '95. To my '95 and my '96, actually. No, thank you. Richard Marx, Hold On To The Night? (EXCITEDLY) Yes! (STUTTERING) I mean... Yeah, no... I mean, if you're giving stuff away, yeah, sure. All right, listen. It turns out Anakin Skywalker's son is still alive. I'm gonna need you to find him and turn him.

Chris, your father and I are very upset by this new attitude of yours. I don't care what you think of me! Oh, God. I envy that.

Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards. We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois.

Um, That means-- No, no, Lois! Don't help me! It means we can do something. Come on, Peter. You're almost there. We can go to K.I.S.S.-Stock!

Kidnapping is against the law. It's too bad we're not Taken from Taken. Then I could dip my head in brown paint and galumph around Europe looking for my hot daughter. Although is it any worse than what they're doing? They're letting a kid die. It's too bad we're not Dragonheart. Then we could just fly around on a dragon and forget about all this. You know what? That's exactly what we should do.

Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right.

You convinced me to keep a job I hate just so you could fly free?

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois.

I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy.

Oh, You're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm. You really think that, don't you? I know it. Ok, We've got 3 days until Peter and Lois get back from their K.I.S.S. concerts. Let's go to Jolly Farm. Yeah, now you're talking!

Here comes the rush. Oh, he's sacked! Looks like little Johnny should've wished for some blocking.

God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.

It's a girl! Can you check again? You just have to remember that life has its little ups and... Jeez! We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. There it is. Dad, watch out! aah!

Ahh! My device! My teeth!

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting.

Joe, please get out of our way. I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life, but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves. Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball.

But we only need $20,000. (SIGHS) All right, look, I'll be honest with you. My father-in-law has treated me like crap for almost 20 years, and it's time for a little payback. $40 million! That's $10 million each! I could afford to produce a movie with B+ stars in a not-so-expensive location.

I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no "J." Yo, man! That's trippin'! Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch!

you're being a total jerk to your family. You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going.

PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business. I just happened to be there with my video camera when a ninja shows up! And then a Nazi came!

then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will. I mean, what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers? Hope, Ben, please let God answer your prayers. Please let your son get help.

Oh, My God! They're at it again! Oh, All this time spent keeping people from having sex! Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.

And the Grammy for biggest posse goes to Ja Rule. What? No, Madonna. Posse. Posse. Oh.

I could scratch your eyes out.

But, Mom, it could change my life! Meg, for the last time, you're not gettin' plastic surgery. Why not? It's totally safe. A lot of famous people have done it. My son, your place is here in the ice village. You know nothing of Hollywood and its ways. But, Father, I have dreams, and courage,

I've got an objection, and so does this man. James Woods!

You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know. Pardon my French. You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day. It's improved my heart one heck of a heap, I'll tell you that. Pardon my French.

You're a monster! Thank you. Peter, You tell that man the truth!

What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them. (SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since... (GASPS) You wouldn't!

Griffin. Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

Chris, the festival of the harvest is the time of celebration for my people. - Would you like to dance? - Sure! No one's ever asked me to dance before. f wanna iitterhug Jitterbug You put the boom-boom into my heart

Very good, Peter. First, I will return Joe's pool.

Look! (SCREAMS) He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it.

Uh, give me the one free week of maid service.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Artoo?

Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day! Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It should've been Ferris Bueller's Day On, 'cause that was all the stuff he wanted to do. Yeah! And he was so on that day, so it kind of works on two levels. Well, I don't know what you mean by that, but how about that Cameron, huh? - Oh, definitely. - Am I right? It was his day off, too.

I'm, uh--ju-- Uh, keeping the couch fresh. Dad! It's ok, Meg. I understand what's going on here. I'm gonna go. oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava. I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house?

Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart!

Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian!

No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

All right. Today we're gonna play soccer.

Good evening. Our top story tonight, Barack Obama makes a visit to James Woods High School. Yes, it's time to get jiggy with it, Quahog... I thought we had taken that out. President Barack Obama will visit James Woods High next month, and this little town of ours couldn't be more abuzz. Oh, my God, this is gonna be so amazing!

I'm gonna be watching it from the stands, Lois, because the Black Knight is just a big jerk! Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum. There you go, All fixed. Ha! Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake. Oh. Well, Did you save it?

And then she wanted to make him eggs! (SCREAMS) And he said, "Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30." And she said, "I'll drive you there!" (SCREAMS) And he said, "No, no, it's at my office. "It's like a half-hour commute." And she said, "I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's pre-school."

It's a pleasure, Lois. Who's the little guy? This is Stewie. Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME. Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door. I know. I've admired you in the garden from afar. Will you go out with me? I'd love to.

MALE VOICE: Somebody's in here. Oh. Excuse me. Good morning? Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you?

(AGREES IN SPANISH) It's really good to see you, Meg. It's been a while. I know. I'm sorry, Luke. It's just so hard to get over here without anybody finding out.

How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what he offered? I think the whole thing was very strange. He thought you were strange! How about that? Whatever. I just can't help but wonder.

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal.

Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own.

Peter, what happened to your voice?

I'm very grateful she's a woman and so easy to forget rather like a habit one can always break And yet, I've grown accustomed to her looks

Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line. I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife. You're just fat, Stewie. Silly and fat.

Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things. Can I help you? Yeah. Uh, I hate my neighbor, and I want to build something crazy out of spite.

How are you going to handle that? We got to come up with some crazy scheme like the kids on That '70s Show. And I think I got it.

Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese." Ha-ha.

Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing? You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him?

Eat him. (ALL GASP) Brian! Look, if we don't eat something soon, we're all gonna pass out from exhaustion and freeze to death just like him.

Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps.

This is more like it. Oh, my love... (NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING) Is the music okay? Actually, would you mind tuning it to 97.1? ANNOUNCER: You're listening to "The Quiet Storm."

Turn the music up, let's do it, come on, people, let's get loud

(PANTING) I can't finish! You have to! How would we explain it half-eaten? There's no going back from this. (GAGGING) (PANTING) It's done.

$780. $781. ...you!

Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny,

Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment. Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar. Now here's Roy!

That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

Brian, what the hell? Uh, hey, Lois. (GASPS) The jig's up, Brian! Run!

You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet.

Thank you, Jesus. I have a purpose in life again. Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!

(SNICKERS) What are you doing? I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun.

here to pull rank on anybody. I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy. I don't think he's ever done anything as laughable as this book. Look, all right, well... What do you want? I wrote it in a day. (AUDIENCE GASPING) Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours. I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass. CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...

and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick.

Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.

Hello, I'm Stewie... I'm Karina. Can we get some quiet on the set? I'm trying to rehearse! MAN: Quiet on the set! Don't mind Randall. He's getting into character. Is he playing a dick? All right, everybody, here we go. Scene 10. Places, please. And action! Oh, it's so great being here on Jolly Farm.

(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(RASPING) Okay. Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah. Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie.

Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too. If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time.

Lois, my darling! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing? This is Lois, Peter's wife. How can I even think about trying anything? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian.

So, what's with you? No Valentine's Day plans? (SCOFFS) No. I've had it with Valentine's Day. I'm sick of all of it. Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just... How come it's so hard to meet the right woman? I think maybe it's just time for me to give up.

It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

They respected me for saying it. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it, our final minutes. Any moment now, the Earth will be sucked into the gaping maw of the black hole.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em. You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some.

(YUB NUB PLAYING)

They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

I can't do it! Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt! Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you! We'll catch you! Wonderful. - Ok! Me next! Me next! - Ugh! Ok, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow,

Ugh, look at this. She's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover,

I guess. Well, I guess we ought to call it a night. Come on, Stewie. Up to bed. No party? Oh, come on! I was gonna show a slide show of all those silly photos I took of Meg.

Good morning, everyone. Oh, crap, he's in love again. I know, I know. But this time it's for real. You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for. Oh, please, you've only known her a week. Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole life for.

Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her-- Graham cracker. Graham cracker, yes, yes. That's--That's it. Um, All right, so, uh, I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place.

(APPLAUDING) - Yeah! U.S.A.! I didn't even know there was a war. Okay, let's pick teams. I'll be a captain and Mayor West, you can be a captain. All right. I pick you. You can't pick me. I'm a captain.

Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us?

Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.

QUAGMIRE: Look what we did. We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke?

"I need a character. I need a backstory. "I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic.

Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries.

Enough of that. Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now.

Ow! Oh! My side! (GROANING)

I told you your father would explain about the article. Meg? Meg Griffin? Uh, Peter, I think it's time for Plan "B." Way ahead of you, Brian. Don't worry. I packed my own backup chute. Oh, crap! I should have figured you were up to something. Look, Luke, this is all my fault.

You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate. And then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douche bags.

Well, It seems you're out of ammunition. As are you, Stewart! You know my name! I know many things. - Indeed. - Quite. Yes. Mmm. Well, perhaps We should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person. oh. Mmm. Yes. Peter, I'm waiting.

- $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash. - Cold in here? - Nope, just really small.

With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson! Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, you're lovely. I haven't heard that much applause since Bob Crane premiered his home movies in my closet. (PETER LAUGHS) All right, let's play the Feud. One hundred people surveyed, top four answers on the board.

All right, that's the last of the blood. Go check on the other kid. What other kid? Johnny, the one who's getting the bat. Stewie, there's only one bedroom up here. What? Do you have a brother? Well, then who the hell is...

Okay. No, no, no. Just put it down, just drop it. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right, all right. All right, let's... Just hang on and figure this out.

Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing,

And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth. My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex! Oh, And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby. What are they up to?

But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly.

I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon. MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio.

We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night,

Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes! I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume.

(SCREAMING) Don't yell! His parents were slaughtered by yellers. Just submit. I am submitting! It's getting worse! No, I mean really submit. Okay, okay! Oh, my God, I meant say you're sorry, not take off your pants. Carter, what are you doing? Oh, my God! And now that I've made you aware of the misunderstanding, you're still continuing with it.

Hey guys, Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son? Well, I think this is gonna top it. Wow, it's the Pope! Slothful sinners! You're here to work, not sit around with your... Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father. I am not worthy.

you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar! That's right. I went there.

Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change. Damn right I do! Now, get this turd-filled sack off... Oh, my God, it just went back in my body.

Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it! Hey, fellas! I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like,

Mr. Penisberg, I quit. Penisberg?

Pancake? Just a small one, thanks. My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's.

Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt.

She is so jealous. Of course, I'm beautiful. I mean, look at me. Aah. How strange... Should watch road but can't look away. Too beautiful.

And then I'd go like this. Oh! That's so good!

Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident. That was great fun. I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball.

I choke myself every day, you bastard.

You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot. You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust.

Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on? Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap. Well, you can't fight City Hall. Oh, we'll see about that! City Hall knows karate. I'm sorry, Peter, but the government makes the rules.

Why would you even date a girl like that? Well, because I thought she'd be like you. Like me? Well, you got to admit, Mom, she does look a lot like you. I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know? He's a complete train wreck, and you put up with him. And I'm no prize myself.

i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall erected in 15-- Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!

Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books, so I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King.

Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going. Hi, guys. Uh, hey! How's it going? Jeez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me. It's like I'm a freakin' leper. Hey, can we sit there? No, these are saved.

Carlos Spicy Wiener here, go ahead. They found us, kid. We're going back to base. Just as soon as I grab some powder with these skiing young people. (JUICY FRUIT THEME PLAYING)

Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for? I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans.

(ALL SCREAMING)

PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!

but with you I imagine it would be like doing it with a stuffed animal. Everybody ready to go? All set, Peter. Good. Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

What the hell? What's wrong? Uh... Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there. What? Where? Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kind of disguise.

(GUNSHOT) What the hell? (SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois.

Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying. All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people. Nobody will buy it. There are no sharks out here. Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to, but I'm watching my weight 'cause I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again.

Oh, You didn't think-- You thought I was-- Ha! Lois! I can paint scenery. Can I be in the show, Mom? Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive. Hey, you guys. Peter, guess what? I am gonna--

Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass! Ew! Hey, Brian. You want some Stewie jerky? Oh, God, that is disgusting. I'm finally starting to peel. I'm telling you, Brian, my tanning days are over.

These water wings didn't help at all. This is the worst day of my life. Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days. A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse?

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) I have to say, Peter, I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to Islam. Are you kidding? It's awesome. I even started wearing leather sandals with way-too-long toenails. See how the big ones are getting yellow? Ah, yes, very Muslim.

I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman. This is where they edit the show together.

(CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports. Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid. Yeah, this isn't working out. All right, sorry, we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home.

Brian. Ryan. - Brian. - Mitchell. What? Goodbye. Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake and the guy wants to know how old Meg is. I didn't know what to tell him. You're asking me? Yeah, how old is Meg? Well, I don't know. Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were the one keeping track of that. No, no, I have no idea.

That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

Oh, my God, that's the same teddy bear Stewie has. We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this. Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club. Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food.

- (STUTTERING) Try to keep the saltwater... - Yeah.

Oh, Mom, she loves it. Okay. We'll take it. Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress? PETER: She gone? No. Okay, well, while I'm down here, let me give you my card. There you go. There you go. A half pound of honey maple turkey, sliced thin.

All the things that make us

Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? You think Meg made it through the vent? Well, let's find out. Oh, there she is. She's in the kitchen. Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen. Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please.

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls!

Now Meg, no need to get so testes-- Uh, Testy! Oh, Nuts! I mean crap! You want to sit down? Wait a second! Don't sit down yet! Dad, what are you doing? I'm, uh--ju-- Uh, keeping the couch fresh. Dad! It's ok, Meg. I understand what's going on here. I'm gonna go.

Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

And Not the good jail like on Cinemax. The "man" jail. Go back and pay the bill, Peter. You, uh, don't want to break the law. I can do whatever I want. Watch this. Oh, Now you're just being crazy. Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE.

Ma'am, is this your bag? I don't know how that cocaine got in there. Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed weapon. I'm gonna have to place you under arrest. Oh, my goodness, how did that get in there? You're gonna have to come with us, ma'am. What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING) My God! She's dead.

That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.

Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy. Relax, Chris. Nothing bad ever happens when you're asleep. In fact, sometimes good things can happen.

The statue was originally a gift from France.

I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom. Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now! I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.

(SIGHS) I am Rush Limbaugh. That's a costume. Wait a minute. You mean, all these years, Rush Limbaugh has just been Michael Moore in disguise?

You know, you shouldn't be poking around out here. White men have been spotted nearby, laying traps and forming slo-pitch softball leagues. Well, whatever makes them happy. Live and let live, that's what I say. And I'm sure that's what they say, too. Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina.

What's your name? Tattoo! Oh, um, Peter, I'm just, uh... Uh, gonna go out for a few hours. Uh, So, i--I'll return in a few hours. Yeah, I'll do it when this is over. Hey, Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois? Dad, I think she went out.

You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad.

- Hey. Are you Kate? - Yes. Hey, it's Noah from JDate. Oh, my God! Hi!

Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!

(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, boy! What a fantastic evening! Jerome, you are a wonderful addition to our group. Hey, thanks, Peter. I like you guys, too. What do you say we hit another bar? Keep it going?

Hey, hey, hey, girls! Anyone want to make the Kessel Run? That'd be cool, but we only got 12 parsecs. (CHUCKLING) Hop in.

Sir, you are talking to a plain-lippy. Now, don't take it like that. Some of them are all right. But you know what I mean, they're all over the place. How about me, Tucker, am I all right? Well, of course you're all right. (GASPING) Imagine that.

Come on, Lois. I feel great dropping that kind of weight all at once.

Is this your card? I don't know.

I--I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i... I--I don't see any reason to--to throw it out. It's... The waist is still fine. You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy.

Hey, Doc. What the hell are you doing here? Your family has something they'd like to say to you. "Brian, I know I don't speak up much "and it's--it's really hard for me "to talk about my feelings, but--" W-Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter?

I think it's a person. Oh, my God, maybe they have food. Maybe it's a rescue team. Oh, my God, it's Ben Fishman.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

No more treats, Stewie. You're gonna spoil your dinner. Oh, come on!

You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet?

You know the best thing about these girls is, even if you're terrible, they don't know the difference. You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay. (ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on.

And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day.

Yeah, rock and roll! (SCREAMING) Did you hear that? Guys, I think we just found our new lead singer. Awesome! I'm gonna be a famous music star, like Muddy Waters! Muddy? Baby? Everything all right in there? MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone.

Excuse me. We were about to use that. You snooze, you lose, lady. You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do. Woo-hoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now.

(GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car. Hey, Meg, I'll pay you a dollar a day to smell my sneakers. (LAUGHING)

This isn't over! Oh, If you're looking for your Dostoyevsky, I used it to make the fort from F Troop. Look what I found, Stewie. An appointment card. You've got a checkup. Oh, Marvelous. A quick weigh-in, a "stick out your tongue" and a nice lollipop to cap it all off. Oh, and Remind me to ask the doctor when my other testicle is going to descend.

(PETER SCREAMING)

please circulate yourselves to the outer edges of the group. (UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean. Oh, boy, we got a problem here.

Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force, and come with me to Alderaan. What's the Force? The Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power. It surrounds us, it penetrates us. Mmm... Here, check this out.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show. How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian? (ALL CHEERING)

that's clearly a small moon, and not anything else. That's no moon. It's a space station. Oh, crap. They've got us in a tractor beam. Well, they're not going to get me without a fight.

Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING)

Just in case, I'll say it again. I love you. Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie. Look at that little foot. I'm gonna eat that foot. (LAUGHING) Give me that foot, it looks delicious. Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God. Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt. Sit right there, honey.

I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I?

Man, they got some sexy monkeys down there.

Mmm. Well, your mouth is too sweet for your teeth to want to stay in. (LAUGHING) Oh! Yes. Well, I'm just gonna go to the powder room and freshen up. She's eating it up! This is easier than an American finding his brother in China. Ron? Ron, where are you? Over here, Paul!

after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there.

Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.

What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris.

So what do you say? Are we a family again? I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

(WHOOPS) He's right. Who knows how that got in there? Peter, can we please go now? This is excruciating. Are you kidding, Brian? These men and their redneck lifestyle really speak to me. This is the greatest show I've seen in years.

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play.

You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING)

I need to be cleaned! Ah! There you go, kiddo. All clean. Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman! Take out your pencils and start your test.

Well, hi there. I sure can. You know, I have to tell you, Wish It. Want It. Do It. totally changed my life. Well, you know, that's what I set out to do with this book, so, you know, I got to tell you, that makes me feel pretty great. This is just a phone number. I know, I know, my phone number. Oh.

That's for shooting one of our guys! (ALL CHEERING) MAN 1: We got you! MAN 2: In your face! - MAN 3: Our boat! - MAN 4: Our boat! MAN 5: This boat! There wasn't one guy my way.

(LAUGHING) Derek, look! Ha, how do you like that?

Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Oh, my God! It's a chick! All right, everybody! This party's over! Hey, Why do you cops always have to kill our buzz? He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas.

And That's why I'm leaving. Leaving? You can't leave. I have to, Peter. For me. I love you all. Aw. Somebody say something. Brian, wait! H-Hold on a second.

Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg? You okay in there?

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them. Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not. Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done.

What are you talking about? You guys are my pals. We used to be, Peter. Now, scram. Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar. Not at my bar, you won't. Get out of here. Geez, I can't show my face anywhere. I might as well be back doing public radio. This is Peter Griffin, and you're listening to Book Talk on WRNI.

Absolutely. I mean, look at this. Aladdin 4: Jafar May Need Glasses. Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better.

You're about to be yesterday's hopscotch chalk on a sidewalk, Stewie! Erased!

Hey, Peter, how you doing? Hey, Quagmire. Um... Is your dad around? Oh, he's off at his stitch 'n bitch club. I'm glad you stopped by, though. My dad wanted me to tell you he would be thrilled if you and Lois would join us as his guests at the Naval Ball. Yeah, yeah, that'd be great. Um... Hey, remember when we met him the other day, and he danced for a while?

Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle." (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Wow, that's turning out good. Gotta use that. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Aye. Aye, aye, mate. "It sure is not so very nice in this part of London."

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit.

Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store.

All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

Peter! I feel great! I've never felt so in control. I know the feeling. It's how I feel when I burp really loud in an underground parking structure to assert my dominance.

And I'm ready to take a chance again With you (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you. Thank you very much.

Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful? It's nice they put Joseph in there, even though he's not really the father. Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem? Doctor, thank goodness you're here.

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?

That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island. Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know. Peter, there's something off about that horse.

Tracy? Tracy Flannigan? Oh, my God, Brian Griffin, is that you? Yeah, it's me. And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time.

Shocking to say the least. I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst. At least they believe in a God, even if it's a smelly brown God. Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian. All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century. People are tolerant.

That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

CONTROLLER: Permission granted. Nice. That was nice.

(MOANS) Thank you. - Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you.

and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah. I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it.

Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, massachusetts. Remember, "If it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack." I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer.

Wow. Thanks, Rush. It was nothing. I mean, you'd have done the same thing for me. Uh, yeah, of course.

There it is. Washington, DC, the seat of government for the world's former most powerful nation. Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

This is my son, Chris. You should hear his voice. It's absolutely gorgeous. Like Laura Dern, if she didn't look like a banana. He can sing? Yeah, runs in the family. See, look.

MALE VOICE: Dragon's Lair.

Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick!

Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

I don't believe it. It's here. Damn right, it's here! Now, while you think about the fact that you're never going to enjoy a nocturnal breast-feeding from Lois, I shall open the gate.

Now, then. I'm going to do something I call the compliment sandwich... where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement... and then end with something good. Whatever you gotta do. Okay. Let's see. Something good. Something good. Something good. You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile.

GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep.

(HORN HONKS) So you're sure you don't need any house repairs, Mrs. Griffin?

Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it! I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park. Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it.

Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech. But, Peter, what about your son? So Stewie had a puff. He's old enough to make his own decisions. For God's sakes, Lois, he's one.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter.

All right! Uh, Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. We have An outsider who wishes to join our community. Welcome to my fair city! If you want to become a citizen, you have to get a job. Well, Before the disaster, I was a physician. That's terrific. We need a doctor. We sure do. Let's hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat.

I'll set the mood. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God. STEWIE: (IN COUNTRY ACCENT) Yeah? Yes. I'm calling about the ad in the paper. You seen my dog? You calling about my dog?

This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated.

You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Lucky there 's a family guy

I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE)

(GASPS) Stewie, I... You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas.

Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it,

what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld. Gentlemen, we need to talk. My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke. That's just not true. What about this toy?

No. Let him go.

I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug. What? I'm just glad to have you back on my side. I only wish I could convince Meg and her classmates, too. We'll show them somehow, Lois. I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews.

It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm... God! Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Ice now, heat later. I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey.

Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car.

Sweetie, you're not serious? I sure am. The best thing I've ever done with my life is being a dad.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?

This is my bit. These are all my bits. (SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" (CROWD LAUGHING)

PETER: Get that!

Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending.

They didn't put masking tape over a seat for Tom Tucker and he's in there pitching a fit. Do you know who I am? I'm Tom Tucker, damn it! I make more in an hour than you make in two hours!

Why, This is the music of the angels!

I had to sell my Bangles records. I was still working on memorizing all the words. My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol? If I lay down flat on the floor it usually kind of fixes it Tony Danza from Who's the Boss?

Oh, My God! You were really gonna do it! i-- But-- You... Nurse, this dog is trying to kill me! Nurse! You are twisted, lady! y-You hear me?

God, please forgive me. I get that from my father. He's from a different generation. - It's-- - Whatever, man.

Just till Friday. Please, Mom? Well, if this is what you want.

Damn it, Peter! Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things. Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?

Yeah, Our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how get us free cabLE. We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street.

All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery. (SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee.

Come on. What? What are we doing? God's will, Brian. (CROWD SHOUTING) A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God.

We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him. So, you feel better, Meg? All better, Mom. I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode.

But I wouldn't bark down that alley, you frighten him. He thinks you're a Transformer that broke halfway through. I get that a lot. I understand. Look, Mort was in trouble. We were just trying to help him out. Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law.

I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian. Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan. (MECHANICAL BEEPING)

except my invisible friend,

CHEWBACCA: There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man. All right. Is this thing good to go? Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off. Someday, I'm gonna buy my moms a place with a view like this.

Hey, I've got moxie, too! Watch this!

For those of you wondering what I've been writing down as we go to commercial, it's a cat. Just a cat. In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art. A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face,

I'll show you. Let's do it. Good One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three One, two, three (BOTH SINGING) La-la-la-la-la-la - You see? It's easy.

How is he, Doctor? Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe. I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour. Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I hope you know I love you, Dad.

does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

How did it go, Dad? Very well, Meg. My recollection is that it went extremely well.

All right, good. Looks good. All right, I'm a hot chick in a club. What do you say to me? You're not attractive, but I'll do you as a favor. (LAUGHS) Lucky for you! Hey, Paw, you're late. You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull!

That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No! Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.

Will you guys stop fighting, please?

Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Oh, My God! Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you.

Guys, Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car!

Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked--

(MEOWING AND PURRING)

I guess I've just got to let him go. Wow, that's very grown-up of you, Stewie.

It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

Pillow fight! You bastard! (ALL LAUGHING)

NORA: Mmm. - Oh, Joe. - Oh, Nora. NORA: Did you bring protection? JOE: Oh, don't worry. Nothing comes out of the front. What a great day for Joe and Bonnie. This is Kevin's first birthday since he came home from Iraq. Why does Kevin always sit at the bus stop but never gets on a bus?

Everybody makes mistakes. Even doctors. (CHARGING) You forgot to say... I forgot to say "clear." Ah, finally, back to my old life. Hello, Internet porn. Man, I haven't done this in two weeks. I should weigh myself before and after.

Lois, we're not watching Mad Men no more.

I don't know. I asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead. Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope. That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock.

How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler...

and as much as I still have a great deal of love for you, our time is over. I love somebody else. Oh, Cleveland, isn't there anything I can do to make you happy? Yes, there is. You can live your life, Loretta. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can. I love you.

No, wait, it's the same. You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat. Well, just get a divorce and everything will be back to normal. Oh, It's not that easy.

All right, what this is has no name, so you can't have it.

What, sir? But that was Carstairs. What the hell is going on here? Mr. Griffin, your house is being repossessed for failure to make payment. Oh, my God, the house too? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? CARTER: Did you blow all your money yet? Yes, Daddy. Ah! I knew you'd blow all your money. Love you, bye.

I got to say, you look greaT. Are you trying to seduce me-- Mr. Tucker? I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman.

I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.

Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin! Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess!

Ben, Hope, please, I just want to do anything I can to help your son. Well, you can, Lois. Stay and pray with us. I think you'll find that with God's love and a true belief, all manner of miracles are possible. Look, I'm a churchgoer, too, but sometimes prayer isn't enough. He needs professional medical care.

So, it's a show about three hookers and their mom?

Why are you dressed like that? What did you do to your hair? - Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City. - What? Yeah, those jokers just called and said I had to go on a last-minute business trip. What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see. And in case you're wondering why I don't have business charts, yes, I do.

but, Monkey, do you think you could help me? I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore. Of course, Lois. I'm sure if we can just get them in the same room together, I can convince them to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

and after several hours of sexual torture, I had a show. (PHONE RINGS) Don't answer that. I gave out that number under duress. Lois, Peter's show is on the local public access channel. Anyone can have one. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete. Peter, you already do nothing around the house,

You're getting on Mommy's nerves. Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch. It's all right. I'll get some Windex. Come on. Discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?

But she's... She's Puerto Rican. So look out for a Puerto Rican. MAN: We're clear. That was so much fun to watch. What a pro you are. Lois, you've met Tom Tucker. Oh, yes, of course. I loved that piece you did on the invention of the guillotine.

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him.

Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid,

Damn it, Helen. Get the hell off my back or so help me... So help me... Don't worry. I hear they have great makeup sex. - That feels so good. - Oh, yeah. Hello. Like that? - (MOANING) - Oh, baby.

Just follow my lead. (FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME PLAYING) It feels like the first time Feels like the very first time

All right, I left you the number for the spa. See you in a few days. Not if I strangle myself with a seaweed wrap and die. Whoa-ho-ho! You are dark!

What did I do? What did I do? I love brownie day. Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

Oh, please, Senor Griffin.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater. I'm just like Barbara Bush!

TOM ON TV: Stay with us as the countdown to doomsday continues with just six more hours to go. The only thing that's nice about this is even though it's a Tuesday, it feels kind of like it's a Friday. Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word.

Barbara Liebowitz's husband just bought her a diamond broach. You know how he afforded that? He uses regular bullets. He uses regular bullets. Meg, have you seen Dad?

Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

Uh, I'm so bored. Without Stewie around, I have nothin' to do. Well, we could get hammered. Oh, It's too early for me, but you go ahead. What happened to me? You know, before I was married, I led a very exciting life. Oh, my God!

A job? Lois, the '70s are over. Forget it. Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet. Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy!

Anyway, it was a horrible place where they took away everybody's African names and gave them new names.

Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know a little bit about who I am. Thanks for the milk, Carl.

Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was. Lois, get in here!

(POLICE SIREN WAILS) Can I see your driver's license and registration, please? Is there a problem, Officer? QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it!

Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. I wonder what came over uS? Maybe people are just naturally violent. I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch?

Just around the corner There's a rainbow in the sky

"Dear Diary, just discovered the music of John Denver. "Wow-wee, where's this been?"

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make.

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

It means standing up to fart, not hiding it in a pillow or holding it in till your stomach goes... (GROWLING) Now you've got it! Give me my keys, Horace! I'm going to see my boss! But, Peter, you're drunk! Horace! You're right. This is more important. (TIRES SCREECHING)

What? Where the hell is the money? Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you've got some milk and a bowl, we can give you a pretty healthy way to start your day. All right, enough of this. You, dog, pick which one of you two is gonna die. What? You can't ask me to decide something like that. The life of every being is sacred, just like the life... Fine. I'll kill you.

Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam.

What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night. What funny thing? You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car?

Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin.

We are going to have to send that family money. I know we are. Mom, I'm hungry. Can we stop and get some food? Well, I guess it is close to dinner time. Chris, Stewie, you hungry?

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough.

We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. There it is.

Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already.

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

What the hell? Where am I? I didn't just bite into a YORK peppermint patty, did I? Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States. Well, this day has taken a bad turn, like Mike Brady's first marriage.

Dad! What are you doing? All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt for about three weeks.

CARTER: Good stuff happening over here. All implied. BABS: It was the happiest time of our lives. Unfortunately, that was the year the great war with Alaska broke out, and even Carter's lofty connections couldn't save him from the draft.

Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard! Aw, Man.

One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and then lied about it.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe. You don't seem very excited.

Ah, Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible. Yes, charming. Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey! That was a lovely service, Francis.

No one had ever stood up to me like that before. I respected him from there on out. That's a great story, Grandpa. I didn't like it.

(STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

I thought you might say something like that.

Wow, Look at all those stars. You know, I've read that starlight gives you cancer. But then again, what doesn't these days, hmm? Listen, kid, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's not easy for me to say.

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf?

(HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology, we'll show you how disastrous it could have been. Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school. (CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing. Evidently, madam, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. What I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls!

Yeah, Coppertone!

Welcome, Rose, can I take your order? STEWIE: (IN WOMAN'S VOICE) Yes, that turkey,

I love you, too, honey. Let's go home.

I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

There's a hot-dog cart! Chris, don't spoil your appetite.

No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses. Look, there's my face. Here you go, sweetie. A couple of more oatmeal baths and you'll be all better. Well, no need to clean up when I'm done.

oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way

Come on. Let's get out of here. All right. The two of you stand over there and I'll send you back where you belong. Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe.

- Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

and the 2 of us would give you a "double dip." Ooh. Ok, Bachelor Number 2. I'd lick off all the cream and give you my special whipped topping.

You just don't give up, do you? You seize life by the throat and shake it like a topless bartender mixing a martini!

(CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart." "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other, "fart both knew that, "with love fart truth fart courage, "they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet."

Well, If there's $50,000 in it, I don't think I got a choice. Well, You can whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50. No, no. We covered that. You ain't got a chance, Griffin. Daggermouth killed my friend Salty. And he was twice the fisherman you are.

Who's talking like he's black The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up. Carl, I'm so sorry. Wow, Meg, you alphabetized all the magazines. Hey, you want a job? What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure. Great. You start tomorrow.

You can't tell me what to do. Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can. Supervisor? Yeah, I promoted him this morning. - Promoted me this morning. - What? Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. Meg, things change.

He plays kickball in the park after School. Get him there. So, Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again? Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain!

(CHUCKLING) Nathaniel, what are you doing? Just ruining ninth grade for everyone.

Who are all these people? Damn New Yorkers! They took all the good seats. Aren't you preciouS? ahh! Oh! Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, massachusetts.

Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

That's right. It's Santa Claus. And you've got to listen to me.

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore! I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING) Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

Well, Lois's dad is loaded. You could probably get him to pay through the nose to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter. Huh! I never thought of it like that. Wait a minute. You're not serious. That's totally unethical. Yeah, Brian, no one cares what you think. Peter, you could make him your slave! Oh, man. He'd hate that even more than he hates sitcom two-parters. Tootie, it's 8:29!

Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas?

Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there. You been lifting weights?

Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview? Shut up and get a ladder or something. Actually, yeah. Maybe we are doing an interview. So, Stewie, tell us about that new project you have coming up. What're you talking about? Get me down, you douche. No. First you tell me about that new project. Oh, you are so dead.

y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says-- Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya!

Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.

(EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION) You got to. It's a dare. - That's the game. - That's the game. Okay. What the hell. I'm an open-minded person. Yeah. So am I. No big deal. Just my body. Oh, my God! They're going to do it! Oh, I got to take a picture. Holy crap! No way. No freakin' way. Quagmire, take a picture. Oh, my God!

oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality. You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills!

There we go. Oh, pee time. Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives? If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam?

So, you made your money in business? Where's your room, handsome? Can I at least have that pen? No, that's Bellagio property. Oh. Well, this sucks. Hey, I'm gonna go try one of those slot machines by the entrance.

Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, Quahog is now completely government-free, which means I'm free of all broadcast regulations. So no more trips to the bathroom for this reporter, just a big-ass coffee can under the desk. (TIRES SCREECHING)

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company. D... OT.

Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex? Hmm... (EXCLAIMING) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

It's not your fault, Chris. I failed you as a father. From now on, Joe will be your father. Cleveland?

Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE!

That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

Hey, good news. The Death Star T-shirts finally arrived. Oh! Sweet! Oh, come on. "Death Stab"? Oh, for God's sake, Christie. Why don't you fire that girl? She's actually, believe it or not, better than the last one.

Brian, what is this on my shoe? My poop.

Let's burn this chick at the stake.

Sorry, Chris. The plant can't come. It's his best friend. Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed. I'll--I'll take care of Woody, son.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive! You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys,

All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.

Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank. Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner,

A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Oh, Come on! Those were really popular! They ran all the time! Jeez, All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now?

How do you think it works? I have no idea. Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me. All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out. What's that big back part? Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing.

That's the music mommies and daddies listen to. Fire in the hole! Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris.

Peter, what are you doing? Hey, It may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit, but it's still beer, damn it.

Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't...

Okay, now I get it.

But I gotta warn you. I made some enemies on the Hill. And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures. Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state.

God, It's like moving a futon. LOIS! Just slide your leg over! Peter, pleaSE! Ohh! Ohh! Well, Lois, at least one of us is in the Mile-High Club. Ugh.

I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian.

Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

Okay, then. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right, I'll see you Tuesday. Oh, no. What happened? (GASPS) That's terrible. Oh, my God, just awful. Well, you give them my best. Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach.

No, don't. Here you go. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it.

Hey, what's going on, dudes? Brenda just fell.

Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113... "A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film.

(CHEERING) - All right, we did it. We made it. That was a close one! (SIGHS) Well, guys, we made it. Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out.

Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead.

Well, it-it's... It's delightful.

I don't make monkeys, I train them. Ugh. Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard! What the hell is going on out herE? Um... AcTually, I, uh, I, uH...

I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it?

Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey? Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... so, I'm just gonna.... There we go. Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here.

Well, hello, you two.

Tonight, Channel Five mourns the loss of a dear colleague. My moustache.

Lady Redbush! MADAME CLAUDE: And so Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

And now back to Disney's Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts. There's way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation!

Then just do it. Stop talking about it, for God's sake. Oh, hey, guys. Well, we got it all figured out. Turns out my name is Glenn Quagmire, and this is my dog. Hey, you guys! Hey, I found my house. Turns out my name's Joe Swanson, and I found this police uniform in my closet. Do you know what that means? I'm a stripper!

No, no. No, darling. Asian Dawn. Dawn. D-A-W-N.

Dad, now that you're gay, I don't have to have sex with you, do I? Not unless you want to. (HUMMING TWILIGHT ZONE) (OVEN DINGS) Oh! My muffins are ready!

What's that, some kind of board? It's Chris' blanket. We got to do something about this. I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible.

I was trying to start a conversation. And you do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency. Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before. But this is a great chance for us to start over. No, it isn't! You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me! You go to hell!

Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you. Nah! My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead.

Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well. All right, try it again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified. Aah! I don't want to play the piano! Indeed. Would you rather play the bassoon? aah!

Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie. And we have something very tasty for big fat you. Bon appetit. Oh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it.

Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog.

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Oh, the continent is Africa. Stewie, this place is a complete pit. I mean, doesn't it seem weird to you that we have to re-check-in every 20 minutes? Also the porn is free, but we have to watch it in the lobby. All right. Look, Brian, I realize it's not the Bellagio, but I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation.

I pick dare. No, no. Truth. Truth. Okay, truth. Do you have AIDS? Come on, we're all just trying to have a good time. Okay, Cleveland, your turn. Truth or dare? Dare. Okay, I dare you to make out with Joe for 15 seconds. What? No way. (EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION) You got to. It's a dare. - That's the game. - That's the game.

So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one? Hey, Can someone fluff Paul? He's got, like, a windsock thing going on. So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?

Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd!

Here with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma. That's wrong. That's wrong. You're not doing good so far.

Oh, all right. (RETCHING) What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me. Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law,

(GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that! (LAUGHING) Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries.

Ow! Ow! Ow! This school is not for your kind! Why? (MUMBLING) I still don't fully understand!

What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity. Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? I know. Who would've thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV? Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.

And while I'm away Dust out the demons inside And it won't be long Before you and me run

I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to... (FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out. Probably just making room for something. Like what?

and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years.

Wow, you're a big bird!

You sound just like him! (SOBBING)

Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future.

(GROANS) Oh, no! You cut your forehead! What do we do? (IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, kids, if you have an open wound, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding. Then get some sleep and wait for the body to heal itself. Now we know. And like I always say, "Remember, you know enough."

Rich? I'll tell you what's rich.

Try again. Big chair. No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair. Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points.

Thanks for helping me set up this jungle gym, guys. Lois says Stewie's been getting a little chunky. Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight.

Man, only thing I'm reading is Cat in the Hat. Damn cat! That hat looks ridiculous! Admiral, we've got enemy ships in sector 47. It's a trap! It's a trap! Also, whose cat? (CAT MEOWS) (SIGHS) Someone get your cat.

(GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you.

Like me. Like me. ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you. Ew! I didn't hear you come in last night. Did you have a good time at your prostitutes' convention? Peter, I was just trying to help your mother meet some new friends. Lois, you're too nosey.

Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night. Dog? Yeah? hmm. If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd.

Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell Where is the bell? Wait for the bell Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Mom, guess what? I just found out I got that internship at Mayor West's office. Wow, congratulations, Meg.

Good morning, family. Hey Lois, you remember when I was the 3rd Hardy Boy? Peter, there was no 3rd Hardy Boy. Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores! - Hey! - ahh! Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right.

(STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)

Security! MAN: Everything's fine. No, it isn't. Get in here. (GRUNTS) Damn it! You bastards! I don't know why you're surprised by this, Brian.

But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball? No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think? Ok, somebody's gonna have to explain that to me.

That's so not funny. Now I gotta empty my pants. What's that? - Acorns. - Acorns? Acorns, that's what I said! - We sound too much alike. - I know.

(COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING) Man, I can't wait to get a Mercedes.

Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store-brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry, the Tiger. They're food!

You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.

Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great.

FeEl ThE buRn. Ahh! Atta boy. All the way upstream, buddy. Ok--ok, just relax. Tr-Try to soil yourself, like we practiced.

Says here he talked Muriel into selling him OxyContin for him and his 19-year-old girlfriend. This went on for weeks. But then she started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off. But he wouldn't let her. He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds. Sounds like a pretty good motive to me.

I will kill you, do you understand?

I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?

sir, You don't have to keep moving to the back of the line. You can have as many as you want. They're free. What are you talking about? Hey, Can I have some more sausage? Yeah. Me, too?

Oh, my God, Dad! What's on your face? Meg, it goes by many names. Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers, and, until recently, Giant Horse Vagina, but I prefer the term mustache.

Oh, that's kind of fun. It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear. There it is again! TIPPER: It's probably just wind, honey. It's not the wind! And this is our Fox News daycare center.

No, it's not possible! Sitting alone in this public setting? No bullet-proof glass? Claus, you make it too easy. Change me! I've leaked through my ski pants and I won't face him weT! We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops.

I mean, Really! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself? Great party, Griff. Girls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks.

There's No one who can land this plane. I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black! She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? It was a movie in the '70s. Ah, You damn kids with your music.

- Darn it. - Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ? Why is math so hard? Well, you know, it doesn't have to be. One trick I used to use is turning things into a word problem. For example, if there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club and 28 guys at the circuit party,

And here's our first float. Oh, It looks like some wires got crossed on Clover Street. That's not Angela. That's Mona, Angela's mom.

A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck. All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive. That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

Dead brill, eh? Ah! Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!

Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head! HEy, Shut up! Honey, would you like some pancakes? Oh, yes! God, yes! Take me! StewiE!

Don't worry about it. I'm sure it will be a while before you lose another tooth.

PETER: Stop kissing ass.

I have no friends, and it's all because of this stupid purse! What did you do to my daughter? I swear to God, if you touched her-- Peter! Honey, what happened? Well, It was lunchtime and... I love the color of your Prada bag. Yeah, but yours has that great clasp.

We have the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and even that fat guy at the Atlanta Olympics who didn't do it, but he looked mean, so we said he did. Joe, you don't get to talk about the regular Olympics. Well, I gotta go down there right now and tell Mahmoud we can't be friends anymore.

Oh, my, I better leave you two alone. What's the matter, Brian? I've been thinking about us. And i--I just don't think it's working out. (STEWIE) Oh, my God. No way. you--You wanna break up. Why?

your son. Oh, no way! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy. That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin? (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Wow. There are all kind of manner of crazy monsters in here. Yeah, and they added even more for the special edition. Hey, what are you guys doing here? (GROWLING) Artoo, play him the message.

What is it? Ask me again sometime. What? (TAUNTING) I know something about you! - Tell me. - No. - Come on, Luke! Tell me! - Nope! Well, for God's sakes, tell me something about somebody! Okay. Han runs an online employment website on the side. Economy got you down? Stressed out? Worried about your future?

Oh! Good heavens!

- I lost it all, Brian! - What? Well, I was on my way to get ice cream and I passed a roulette table, and I put it all on 16 because of that Taylor Swift song, Sixteen. That song is called "Fifteen." It came up 15! Stewie, that was all the money I brought. I knew I should've brought Peter instead of you. Oh, come on, you would've done much worse with him.

(TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to! So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! (SHOUTS) What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers!

My father was a service droid. Hey, where are you going? You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body.

What? What are you talking about? This is your post-9/11 racism talking. I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend. You know, a lot of dogs just sit outside, tied to poles. Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay? So he's Muslim. Every culture has its quirks. Italian guys talk with their hands a lot,

"Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. you know, I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money.

Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different. Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis. Well, but... See, there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic. I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no. Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it!

That's right! You're a big, fat phony!

(SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to...

Lois! Maybe I should go in. He's so upset.

You'll have to bathe her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life. Oh, my God. No, I'm just kidding. She's dead. Ever since that mega-mall opened across the street... it's been taking away all my business. They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants... 53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch.

Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Well, I think you're doing a great job, Mrs. Griffin, but my boss would kill me. How's everything going out here? Fine, Mr. Voorhees. Good. 'Cause if you screw up, I'll kill you. Hi, Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.

You're absolutely right. Lois, you're getting your tubes tied. Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy. First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way.

You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow! - Whoa, what was that? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was my father talking.

Margot, it's time to take this company in a new direction, starting with being honest with the IRS about our profits. (GRUMBLING) We're also gonna stop reading employee emails.

Attention, all hands. We're going to launch a massive air strike against Bertram and his army.

Where should I begin?

Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you.

Well, maybe just to keep up appearances in front of the family. You know, peer pressure and all that. But from now on, Meg, you and me are secret best friends. - Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade? - Not me. What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter. (GLASS SHATTERING) Hey.

Oh, Hello, Alexis. Heard you might not enter the competition this year. Smart move. Yes. Well, There are more important things in life than a piano competition. Oh, Yes. Especially for those who have no-- Ooh, That's cold! Chance. For your information, I have a student that could whip you.

I love you, Cleveland. Uh... I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches.

I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke.

Now Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms.

ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... (ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?

Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story. Yes.

You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Oh, thank you all so much. What thoughtful gifts.

Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? (LAUGHING) Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father. Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad! (CRYING)

"Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works. Oh, I like that a lot. All right, mo--Moving on. Hey, What about "tulip"? "Rose" is fine. Moving on. Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life!

It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it?

Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg. (LAUGHING) You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

God, you sound like a robot. Brian, AA is the only way out for these people. Millions are saved every year by the program. Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA. Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion. I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to.

Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home! Peter, What is the Pope doing here? Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy. You kidnapped the Pope? peter, This is the most reckless thing you've ever done! Come on, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?

Oh, there she is. She's in the kitchen. Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen. Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please. No, no, no, no, don't--don't use that mustard. Use the other mustard. Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there. Quick, scrape that mustard off. Use the other mustard! Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.

Good. Good. Prosecutor, call your first witness. Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter. Really? Well, that is interesting. Yes, and as a favor to the court, I've produced this simulation of how the killing transpired.

PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this? My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something. (LAUGHS) You're funny. But I bet a lot of girls tell you that, huh? Well, the only girl I know is my sister, and she sucks.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision. Please rise.

I never wanted anyone like this It's all brand new

I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable.

All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at hER.

So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.

(EXCLAIMS) So, what's with you? No Valentine's Day plans? (SCOFFS) No. I've had it with Valentine's Day. I'm sick of all of it. Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just...

A girdle is not a substitute for weight loss, Peter. Hey, I'm riding that roller coaster, and that's all there is to it. Now let's get out of here. This thing's squishing my organs around. (BEATING)

Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.

Scotty Jennings? Oh, my God! I know she was upset, but do you think Lois would've gone so far as to kidnap him? Of course she did. She'll do anything for attention. I know. She's like the boy who cried wolf. (BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go!

Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked. (NATIVES YELLING)

We're clearly not going to get him this way. I know, which is why I just planted another bomb that's set to go off every time he burps into his hand. (GROANING) I'd better make sure my wallet's okay.

Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score.

Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh?

Oh, Joe, that was amazing.

We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show.

I don't know, Lois. I tried my best. I don't know what else I possibly could've done. Peter, you're just gonna have to do better. Somehow you've gotta let those kids know that they matter to you. (EXHALES) I'll try, Lois.

My life. That's what's wrong. I was totally humiliated at school today. Ok, we're gonna do a little informal survey here, kids. Would those of you going away for spring break please move to the left of the room?

Griffin versus Jackson. We're here live with contender Deirdre Jackson outside her dressing room. Deirdre, is it true you've killed three women in the ring? Tonight it's gonna be four. Are you saying you intend to kill your opponent? Let's just say you don't want to miss round six. (GASPS) Lois, you can't go out there!

We'll talk about it. No! Jungle gym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say.

Oh, my God! Mom, look. They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall. Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine. That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend... Darren Mitchelstork.

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi!

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find assault rifles? Aisle six. How about a list of known local homosexuals? Aisle four. Meg, you're doing a great job. In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager.

Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday. Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time,

Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

What did I do? What did I do?

will you, Tom Tucker? No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like. Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body. Well, we thought of that. PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no!

No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay. Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous. There's something I have to tell you. - The tooth fairy isn't real. - What? Look, I didn't wanna burst your bubble since you're just a kid,

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING)

It was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but... Never mind. That does it, Peter.

But the town's zoning laws prohibit building a pool back there. What are you talking about? It's my yard! I'm sorry, but your house is too close to the curb. Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose! Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you!

And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense. You said "nuclear." It's "nucular," dummy. The "S" is silent.

The game's almost over, Peter. Try to think about something else.

MURIEL: And your back!

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta.

I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too.

This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects.

Nice. Brian, what are you doing? Oh, geez, Stewie. Scared the crap out of me. Whatcha got there? (SIGHS) Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone. All right? You have to be really cool about this. Yeah, of course. These are mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug.

She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing,

Now we know what to get him for Christmas. I love the holidays. Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control.

Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here.

And then later he got in a wreck, and the airbag didn't deploy. Turns out they stole it, sold it for spare parts. No way! It happens. They call them chop shops. Makes it harder to track stolen parts. Jeez, that is awful. Well, look, you guys got a lot of work to do. We should probably get out of your hair. Take it easy, guys.

Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire?

It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up.

There you go! Use that anger! Hey, remember when I said I think it's hot when you wear a sports bra and gym shorts underneath your dress?

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank. Kiss me, Tony.

(SCREAMS) Got it.

What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat?

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02 All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.

Hold on to the... Man, I gotta tell you, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg. Some of these chicks are unbelievable. Brian, can I ask you something? Are you drinking so much because you don't want to be here?

Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

I don't know! (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) (SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

I'll heat up his soup.

Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car? Blast! Ooh! A penny!

Now, Brian, I know this is a bad time for you. And If I have any advice to give you, it is this. Grow a beard. Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing. Beards are so ugly. Hey! Oh, Relax, Woolly Willy. There's lots of fun things you can do with that. There we go. Thanks!

I'll look at her once, and then I'll go... (IMITATING RETCHING) All over the place. Then you'll wipe it up. and then we will go. Hi, Brian. Oh, my God! Who is your cute little friend? Oh, my! Hello. Stewie. Charmed. I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink?

That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman!

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209? 209? That flight left half an hour ago. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That plane is going down.

Okay, well, how about this, Mahmoud? You know "progress" has the word "pro" in it, right?

Someday I know We, too, will go Somewhere that's

Peter, We need to talk-- Not now, Lois. The show's about to start. Bryant Gumbel, Greg Gumbel, brothers, bike cops. Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

I think I got to go to the bathroom. (FARTS) (YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (COUPLE SCREAMS) What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia.

Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane.

Hey, then you'll never have to wear a condom When you do it with your wife Or anyone else you do it with We promise not to tell Like that new hot chick at work You know, the one who always has high beams Under her ribbed, white, cotton t-shirt

You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball. God, he's like a totally different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

The crowd is storming the field! This is Pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat? Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends "for spending $150,000 a week "in misappropriated welfare funds" play.

No rooms, eh? Well, perhaps you have a room for my good friend fistful of sand. Where's your money? I spent it on sand. I'm sorry, I can't help you. But, sir, please, my wife is with child and about to give birth. And I am with burrito and about to do the same.

Come on, buddy. Let's go! I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have,

Oh, My God! They're at it again! Oh, All this time spent keeping people from having sex! Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing!

Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family.

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself.

Now you're telling me what I can and can't do?

THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing! Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man. Alyssa is all alone.

What am I supposed to do? Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself. Do I... Do I stick the money directly inside of her? No, you do not. Why, have you done that before? (LAUGHING) Doesn't go over. When do I hit her? For crying out loud, just drink this.

It's not that strange. It's kind of what Tom Hanks did in Castaway. I'm sorry, Wilson! (SOBBING)

That's a hell of a catch, Peter.

(LAUGHING) I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't.

Excuse me, is this McSwiggen Village?

I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here. In a way, we're both in prison. Well, Meg, there's a big difference there. He's in prison for a reason. He broke the law! He robbed a convenience store to pay for medication for his mom. Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story, Meg. It's not a sob story! It's true!

This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip.

(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here.

(SCREAMING) (CHOKING)

Good night, sweetie. Oh, yes. Just as I thought: France, art... murder? Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. - Hey, Stewie. Peekaboo! - Yes, I see you, fat man. Where's Daddy? Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible.

Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But.... So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So just putting it out there.

We all gotta get out of here! We're all gonna die! Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together! (SHATTERING) Wait a minute. Joe, look!

Hey! What are you kids doing? Oh, no! It's him! That's right. I'm Old Man Pressman. I own the junkyard. I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things? Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs!

You don't know nothing about my side of town! Look, he's guilty, I just know it. He's a double-dealing spineless politician. But how do you know he's guilty? I know. Mayor West has let people down. Guys, I feel like all we talk about is Mayor West. Like who, who has he let down? Someone who got him elected. Someone who padded his expense account.

It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it.

Holy crap! It's screwy In Peter's Playhouse Peter-- W-w-Wait. Watch this. Hey, Jambi! Ok, say it. Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much. Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity.

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING) Peter, it's okay. It's not okay. You don't know what it's like.

This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

There's only one thing to do. 111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113...

Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING) I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Peter, what is this show? It's called Creeping up on the Kardashians. See that guy with the ponytail in the background? He sneaks up and scares the girls while they're starting businesses or getting their fat waxed. (ALL SCREAM) What the hell? (CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television.

I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going... (GRUNTING) What am I going to do, Seamus? Dr. Hartman is my only hope, and there's no way he's going to see me. Well, you best come up with something, Peter. Otherwise, this will happen to your prostate.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked.

No. It's not the same thing. Joe puts himself in real danger every day. You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero. Unless I put myself in real danger, too! For my family's sake! Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?

They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs,

in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty. For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face! In my face! In my face! Ah! No! Acid girl! It's acid girl! Ah! Ah! James Woods High! I am high on James Woods High! Hey, guys.

Stay away from me! You keep him away from me! Why, you little... (BOTH YELLING) Get over here! I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna... Come back here! All right, that's enough, you two. This is serious. Stop it.

Sure, Peter. Joe! Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win! Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face! In my face! In my face! Ah! No! Acid girl! It's acid girl! Ah! Ah!

and store-brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry, the Tiger. They're food!

All right, fellas, bring the lights up a bit, play the CD I gave you and let's do this! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, that's right. You like that? (CHIMING) WOMAN: I have $50,000. (CHIMING) I have $75,000. Thank you, Brett Ratner. Do I have $100,000?

BRIAN: Oh, come on! And the worst thing is that he's not even a douche. He's a nice guy. I like him. Oh, honey, that sounds awful. I know what will cheer you up.

first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey. Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!

He's all yours, Joe. You're lucky I've got some extra pull around here... thanks to my 18 medals for heroism. There he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry them? I did something like that once. And in the event of your death... you'd like the insurance policy to be paid to your wife? Yup.

And with only 30 seconds to go, we thank you for choosing Channel Five as your Armageddon network. Mom, where's Dad? I don't know, Chris. Sorry I'm late, guys. Peter, where have you been?

Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together. Oh, Yes. Very well. All right. Um...

I'm... I'm thinking this guy. Let me show you something that's funny. Okay, here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving. "I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. "Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!" (LAUGHING) Where's this guy been? Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun.

I mean, what's the purpose.... Shiny red ball.

(LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it! What the deuce are you all staring at? Is there something wrong with me? (GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt.

All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING)

Take it up with my butt, 'cause he's the only one who gives a crap.

Oh, wow! Diane Simmons! You don't look anything like the ad. You better be huge. No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents The King and I," a Peter Griffin production,

Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you? Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous...

Oh, no, no, No. I couldn't.

Ahhh! Meg, you're here early. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work.

You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you. Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.

What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe. Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed. Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.

Mmm. Looking good, fellas.

Well, well, what do we got here?

Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me. "So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever." The end. Ah, Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible. Yes, charming.

(CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cakE. Right here! Meg! I'm sorry, Mom. Oh, Thank you, Peter. No problem. I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.

then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself.

Why is he freaking out like that?

Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! Ah.

So you're calling me a liar? Well, I'm gonna take the high road and stick to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave their feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Peter!

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC And if you find yourself

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him. Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse. You make your doo-doos, Joe? Shut up.

who fought each other in the Civil War. - I'm seceding. - Like hell you are. Not too smart, huh? Yeah, did not think that one through. Peter, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people...

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer!

Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING)

You know, Jesus, if I go get my cell phone,

Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye. Ok, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh. "Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like a crumpet? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like to wear knickers? "I would, because I'M WiN--"

Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles.

I'm not worried about high school at all. Worst-case scenario... I'll carve out a niche as the effeminate male friend of the popular girls. Okay, tonight's my OCparty. I got a case of wine coolers, so we can drink every time Ryan seethes. - Cool, I'd love to come. - Me too. How'd you get the wine coolers? Oh, it's.... I just did some stuff for a guy in the parking lot.

Mom, I can't stay here. There's no electricity, no telephones, it's horrible. Excuse me. I assure you our community is quite pleasant. Perhaps I could show thee around. Okay. My name is Eli. My parents run the inn. If there is anything we can do to make your room more plain, do not be afraid to ask.

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall.

Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk. I guess wanting it more than anyone just wasn't enough.

(COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING) Here you go, Meg. I don't want them. Take them.

- Darn it. - Knock, knock.

Our top story, beloved entertainer Bob Hope briefly came back to life today only to die in a tragic motorcycle accident. Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES)

G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

Can I pick it up? I wouldn't. Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here, and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right. Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good. Can we get some salami and... Brian, Brian, let me handle this. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian.

Excuse me, Lord Griffin. Your family is going back tO quahog. If you get tired of being a snob, look us up.

First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMS)

Sometimes you chase helicopters. That's kind of lame. Yeah. Um...

Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb. I like cutting myself. I bleed a lot. Could I have the top bunk? He already has a roommate. Me. We're a couple of crazy college kooks. For example, we're about to make a hilarious answering-machine message.

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS!

Mayor West, there's something you need to see! My God! My wife is seeing another mayor! I'm sorry, sir. Don't be. Because I'm going to win her back. I trust you'll take care of things here in my absence.

That's my dad if he were a cat. He's the whole reason I'm here. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will!

Oh, oh, thank yOu! Thank you! thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of. You and your partner will start first thing tomorrow after school.

A private plane? How'd you swing that, Quagmire? Well, let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston.

Sorry to be tardy to the party. Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake!

Oh, I think that's me. HellO? Hey, Peter, it's QuagmirE. Oh, Hey, Quagmire. Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick. Uh, uh, i--I got to go.

Stewie, I know you've been going back in time to embarrass me. (STAMMERING) Oh, what... Come on! Oh, okay, then where are you going now? (STAMMERING) Well, I have a very important mission. Uh-huh. Let me see that panel. No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob. I'm gonna tell Mom. (MACHINE ZAPPING)

Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS) Uh-oh. All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out, it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation. I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian,

You'd be amazed how little you have to eat when your legs don't work. There's only one way to settle this. Russian RouletTe. 3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No--no--No. Wait a minute, this is crazy. You first. Whoa, whoa, whoa, There's gotta be a way for you all to enjoy the trophy.

Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something?

Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago,

you'd like the insurance policy to be paid to your wife? Yup. And your wife is this piece of pie? You got it. Love you. Okay, sign here. You know what? You can probably go ahead and cancel that.

Lois, what are you doing? I switched Peter's questions to the pre-school edition. Just to let him have his moment.

All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys. There, look, they have Chunky bars. What a God-awful mess those things are. Chocolate with raisins in it. Yeah. Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate, fruit.

(LAUGHING) All right. I'm starved. Let's do it. (PIG SQUEALING) Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Doggone it! If he wanted a pig,

All right, class. We have a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin... from the North. Wow! What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits? We sure do. oh!

It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family. yes We do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. It's almost their bedtime.

What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk. Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch?

Hey, guys, what's goin' on? And no one says anything, which means they hate it. Oh, God. I am so hung over. Me, too. But luckily, when I'm hung over, I can just molt into another Peter.

No, No. It wasn't that recent. It was the One where they were jumping out of a plane.

Come on, Peter, hurry. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. (LOON CALLING) Listen to that. It's a loon. That's beautiful. You know, we ought to get a "fuck cabin" up here. Peter, we're wasting time. Quagmire's in there about to have sex with our daughter. That son of a bitch. Let's... Wait a minute.

(GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage!

Need something make you go? Peter wheel make you go. Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird.

Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know. Hey, there's Quahog Harbor.

God, I hate television. Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame?

(ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches! Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Me, too, Marky. You are so talented. That was awful. You know, w-With a little practice, I could act circles around that guy. Oh, yeah? Well, then put up or shut up. "This Thursday, auditions for "the Quahog School of Performing Arts upcoming semester." You should try out. Oh, you know, That's not a bad idea, Lois. Ok, ready for the best acting you've seen all night?

This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe.

did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? Oh. Oh, God. Sometimes, it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes, we should cherish what we already have. Like a very special friendship.

Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk? Yeah, on the catwalk? Do your little turn on the catwalk?

Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me. Of course, Cleveland. Oh, man. I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper! Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor. How was your flight? Oh, torture! Five hours on my moneymaker,

Hey, Lois. What?

Oh, Crap! The L.A.P.D.! Come on, Peter, I want to save some tape for the Hollywood sign. Ok. Hey, Thanks a lot, you guys. Hey, Our pleasure. Have a nice vacation, sir.

I paid $380 for this flight. $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first. This is my 4th trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky. WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What?

I'll let you in on a little secret. (WHISPERS) Happy Halloween. Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show.

...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die!

Well, let's try some stuff.

Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie. I babysit now 'cause I'm growing up. I'm so getting hair down there. Anyway, you guys should totally come over. What? You're already here? No way! (BOTH SCREAMING) Look, I brought four cigarettes I filched from my mom's purse. Give me one! I want to look adult.

And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you. Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills. He won't respond to you. Oh, yeah? hey, Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr. Come on. Come to Peter. Over here, Junior. - Come on! - Come to daddy. Come on, Cleveland Jr. Come to Peter. - Come on! - Huh? Huh?

Uh, yeah, 2 mutton joints, please. Oh! Thou wishes to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine. Listen, you freak. We don't all watch Frasier, ok? Now Give me 2 mutton joints.

Tom Selleck. Leia. Luke. Turn the ship around. I know where Luke is.

What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident. Hey, guys. How you doing? Not so good, Peter. Yeah, me either. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland.

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson! Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie?

You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! All right. Well, here's a little something in return. Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night.

Get the fuck out of my house! Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec? Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue!

From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks. Hey, put your wallets away, guys. The drinks are on me.

Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. now Meg, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it.

Catholicism and Judaism are not that different.

Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.

Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been.

(SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry.

What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why?

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous,

Lois Griffin! (ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

I don't. I'd rather you marry a... (STAMMERING) A Japanese or something. I'm with you, too, buddy. In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years. God bless the both of you. Hey, it's 4:30.

I'm the real Peter. I don't know. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you?

Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. - All right, Brian. - Good.

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

(EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

Oh, Peter, I have been waiting for this moment for 25 years! I haven't washed my hand since you last touched it. Oh, my God! That's disgusting! And look! Look! I left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom. It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive. But now I have you back...

Give me that belly! Oh, my God!

E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam. Morse code? Obsolete. Brain-damaged bicycle courier? I'm not quite so sure I can find my way. Yeah, you're gonna be here a while. Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no,

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

Of course, I'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me.

He l-loved that lasso. He--he rea--

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois.

and stay away from my daughter forever! $1 million? $1 million.

she's gonna kill you. No, she's not, Peter. What the hell kind of talk is that? Now, I'm gonna win this thing. Look, Lois, you don't have to do this for me. I know I make you mad sometimes, but I thought we agreed you'd hang up the gloves. I'll hang up the gloves after I knock her ass out. Peter, she milked your boobs, and there were a lot of people I knew there.

We were gonna use this time to figure out what to get you for your birthday. Ooh, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go. You... Ooh. Now I'm excited. Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together.

(STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home.

Your daughter's a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.

Ladies and gentlemen... President Mike Obama! President Barack Obama! You gotta be sincere (SWOONS)

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland. Let me out of here! I need to get out of here.

You know, just clear my conscience. Makes me feel a whole lot better. Anything you'd like to confess? No. Not really. JOE: Peter, we're not really hearing him very well. Can you get closer? Are you sure, O.J.? Are you sure you wouldn't like to confess to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman? What?

but now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out. Don't you worry. I'll be back with help. You want me to write that thunder thighs thing down for you? He's not gonna do it.

Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM)

He so should've died. This is bullcrap. Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

But I don't have to not be naked for it, either. Aha! Come on, Stewie. Hurry up and pee. Joe's waiting for me. Brian, you know I can't go unless you stare at it. Brian, what the hell? Uh, hey, Lois. (GASPS) The jig's up, Brian! Run!

Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on.

Will you please take me back? Brian, no. You had your chance. I mean, I thought you were my soul train, but you didn't want me. Soul mate. Soul food? I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Derek now. I see. And you really feel that way?

Nice. That was nice. Hey, Son. Hey, Dad. Haven't seen you in a while.

Peter, the horse is here. Oh! Yeah. It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that.

(GEESE HONKING)

But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma." aw, That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in.

Lois! Ah! Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois, is the most important person in the world to me.

There's no factory? Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over! Uh, Damn it! Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there?

so, Peter, Where shall we go for your week off? Well, I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year. This isn't bad. It's not that good. But it's not that bad. It's so-so. Uh, More or less. Hey, Hey, Brian.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I called you in today because your son, Chris, has been getting in quite a bit of trouble lately. In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project. Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed. Well, someone should be.

I'm gonna say no. Great. Then please check here and initial there. Uh, next, do you think this is some kind of game? Um, no. Okay, initial, please. And finally, my date of birth. Was it yesterday?

One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here.

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick. Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh.

That son of a bitch. Let's... Wait a minute. Do you hear that? I don't hear anything. I know. Isn't it bliss? Peter, let's go! Mmm. Thanks for the ice cream, Glenn. And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants. Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh? Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold.

Sorry, I was dialing the phone. Are you all right? Yeah, Don't worry about it. Doesn't look like there's any-- Peter Griffin, certified C.P.R. Don't anyone panic! What the hell are you doing? Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No!

There's just one part left. What are you talking about? There's nothing left. Look, the diaper's completely clean. Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't. You have to clean my ass. Oh, God, Stewie, there's got to be a line! Brian, this is the most important part. You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes. She gets all up in my biznatch with those. No, no way.

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods.

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man

Oh, my God! Is it permanent? Well, there's no telling for sure. His memory could return in days, weeks, years, or never. Or weeks. Peter, I want you to meet your family. You're my family? That's right. These are your children.

Now, just a minute! Ahh! The whole reason I started fighting is because of you!

(SENSOR BEEPING) Wait a minute, Rupert, there's a weapons systems cooling duct on the far side of the hull. If we can get just one good shot at it, we can blow that fat bastard out of the cosmos.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies.

You know how cousin Lou has that kid whose eyes touch? So what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded.

Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault. Yeah, besides, Peter, those companies have huge legal divisions. You can't fight that. I'll find a way, with the help of my snarky cat lawyer, Meowsy McDermott. You've gotta be kitten me! Ha!

I know, but I've thought about this long and hard, and... (LAUGHS) "Long and hard." I'm sorry.

ALL: Aw! MAN: I hate it here! Well, this crowd was promised an author. No! Oh, well. I guess I should be getting back to my dorm anyway. I've got a short story due for my creative writing class tomorrow. Oh, creative writing, huh? Well, if you'd like me to look it over before you turn it in, I'd be happy to. Really? (GIGGLES) That'd be great.

If you ever... I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS)

Going to take you apart I'll put us back together at heart, baby don't you forget about me

I wonder what else I've repressed? Oh, my God. I could've had a V8. It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself. Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes.

Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love?

QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?

Fine, but without my advice,

The administration 's plan for peace in the Middle East is shallow and pedantic. f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic.

Hey, Is that turkey? Yes, Death. We were in the middle of a turkey dinner, to celebrate Peter's good health. OH, Do you mind?

Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing. Brian, if you've got something to say to me...

Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene.

Carter, you found a cure for cancer? Well, I didn't come up with it. A couple of eggheads I hired did. One of them's a Chinese. Boy, I don't like those people. But holy crap, wind them up and watch them go. How long have you had this? I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? You've had this since 1999?

We're no strangers to love

Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! You know? I mean, it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as, you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know? Just two good-looking guys sharing a cramped office, running the galaxy together, you know?

Yes, they will. I baited them with these plump and tasty Fenway franks. Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one! Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in. Hello. Say, get the hell off my-- Hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass.

Oh, no! What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. Oh, Lois, again? That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on.

(SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have,

Uh-oh. All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out, it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation. I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass.

I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian. Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan. (MECHANICAL BEEPING)

Let's just get into this, huh? "Dear Diary, got down to 152 today. "Think that's a nice weight for me." Oh, here's another one. "Dear Diary, just discovered the music of John Denver. "Wow-wee, where's this been?" Hey, look at this. "Kent is so incredibly sexy.

Let's just do something else to make money. And we will be back. Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault. You can't vault inside the living room. You're gonna get hurt. Yeah. I'll get hurt right onto a Wheaties box. I don't see that happening. Yeah? Who cares what you say?

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter.

Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe.

So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove to you that that's a bunch of bull. Look around you. The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.

Well, I guess the joke's on me. This is a gift from all of us. Go ahead, try it on. Okay. Oh my, Chris, we can see your genitals. Just kidding. Everyone's genitals are hanging out.

All right, tooth whore, do your worst.

Yes You're sweet as chocolate cake You bring me joy And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do Me and Jesus

That's it! I'm calling the cops!

Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God! Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God!

Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough. I got more funny ones. I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah, I think we're fine. Lot of face stuff going on in that one. Yeah, let's just get to it. Okay, so the eggs have already been fertilized by means of intracytoplasmic sperm injection. And now, the embryos will be inserted.

A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns. And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him. Ah, Mercy! I was once addicted to antihistamines.

These aren't Mentos, Lois.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

He's gonna find something, I just know it. Will you relax? We got an ironclad alibi. We were all seeing the Beatles live at The Ed Sullivan Show. (FANS SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) PETER: Sorry. I rode a bike here.

Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta, then Loretta's having an affair. Oh, We can't tell anyone about this. That is the last thing in the world we want to do. What a day! We've done everything in the world. So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair.

Don't look! We're shopping! We're shopping! Oh, Kids, you don't need to do anything special for our anniversary. Just your father. I hope he doesn't wait and get your gift at the last minute again. My goodness! A human thumb. Where did you ever find this? It was on eBay.

Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment. I agree. We can all learn something from that. Wocka, wocka. Who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it, our final minutes. Any moment now, the Earth will be sucked into the gaping maw of the black hole. We here at Channel Five would like to leave you with some highlights of mankind's brief existence, like the Battle of Hastings.

One, nothing! MADAME CLAUDE: Eventually, after many months at sea, Griffin Peterson and his shipmates finally reached the New World. I declare this land Quahog! This place is nothing but a wilderness! What are we gonna do? We're gonna build a new settlement.

One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie? I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner. I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it. This is too freaky. Why didn't that thing take us home?

PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Huh? Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate.

Hey. Ah, You got me! Oh, Not quick enough. Not quick enough, no. No, I was close, though. You were close. I'm gonna go get some oranges, Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for Mommy.

Chris, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan. But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds,

All right, hands in the air! Vertically! Both arms should be parallel to each other! You, fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills. But first, fix that notepad so it's at a right angle with the corner of your desk! And tap that pile of receipts against a flat surface,

It's just Cheerios and coloring books. What? Where the hell is the money? Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you've got some milk and a bowl, we can give you a pretty healthy way to start your day. All right, enough of this.

And it would be four if someone could've hit that seven-10 split, right? Joe! Joey, Joey, Joey, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe!

Peter, why are you staring into the dryer? I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater.

That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat them with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss.

I mean, why's it got to be you? Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby. I can do it! Oh, come on, Meg. It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We'll bring him down, Mom. All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this,

I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What?

(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire. (LAUGHING) He's gross.

No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs.

I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision. Please rise.

You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time. Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us.

'Cause we seem to understand the urgency Just remember You're the one thing I can't get enough of

I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex?

Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth. ahh! No! Don't!

My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here. Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty.

All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe.

But you know how lousy I am with housework. Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!

I should get the kids home. It's way past dinner. What she really means is that it's shaky mommy's white wine time. Let's go, kids. Come on. We really gotta go, kids. Let's go. Come on. Excuse me. Now that your family is gone, would you mind if we turn on the TV? Oh, hey. I didn't know anyone was here.

Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did.

Boy. Do I know that feeling. Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not.

we're Rhode Island bound

You're one to talk. Out there every trash day picking through my garbage. That's an invasion of my privacy. Ooh! He's sorting your recycling 'cause he loves our Mother Earth.

This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes. Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

Hey, Look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying!

What do you say?

You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love.

I've had enough. Hey, Stewie, they got... Stewie? Oh, my God, he's gone. Has anyone seen my son? Hello? Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how! That's good old-fashioned family racism.

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy. Fine, I didn't want to play anyway!

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

I never wanted to call her Meg. I wanted to call her Twiki. But Lois said kids these days wouldn't get the reference. You know who I'm talking about, right? Biddy, Biddy, Biddy. Uh, I'm not quite sure you're Brown material.

Glenn, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving brother like you.

Yeah, we did it! But we lost Briggs. How are we going to find him now? We got nothing. Well, I don't know if it helps, but I found this number next to the phone in his kitchen. I was saving it 'cause I was going to make a scrapbook of the trip for you guys. Let me see that. This is the area code for Juarez, Mexico. He's trying to get over the border! You think so? Definitely.

What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!

and there's nothing you can change about that. But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you let them. If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself,

coulD you Tell me when you're leaving to go back in tiME? I was talking to a robe on the coat rack for 20 minutes before I realized you Weren't in iT. Ma, for God's sake, leave me alone! I'm working! Don't yell at your motheR! If you yell at your mother, a hen will lay eggs in your tummy. Wow! Brilliantly choreographed.

No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911--

And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I...

Wow. A song named after a girl.

You out on the town with a hot date. How are you a hot date? Whoa! You're angry at her, not me. No wonder you're alone. This isn't working at all. She doesn't even know we're here. She will, Brian. And she's gonna be upset that your date is so into you.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

To see how her work was going (AUDIENCE CHEERING) I can't believe we lost the talent show. What'd we do wrong? Well, Dad, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked,

Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys."

What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist--

Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint. Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart. You do? Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you!

Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man. - It's not your fault. - Screw you! Cut it out, man! It's not your fault. (SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough.

What the hell am I supposed to do? - Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone. - What? R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him. Oh, what the phantom menace is that guy's problem?

I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?

Oh, God. An angry mob. I've got to swallow all my valuables and get out of here.

That's what I was trying to tell you. Acknowledged. I'm on it. Joe, would you settle a camp argument? Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns. The murderer won't leave the camp. What? What are you talking about? He's feeding.

Will you keep your voice down? You're embarrassing him. What are you talking about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this. Hey, Hey, everybody! Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it! Chris, Why don't you want to take your shirt off? Oh, Because I'm fat.

And I was wondering if maybe, um, you want to go out on a date with me. You want me to be your girlfriend? Shucks. I guess that's what I'm driving at. Okay. Pick me up Saturday at 8:00. Great. See you then. There you go. Being confident. Like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation.

I tried that once. It got me in a lot of trouble. "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll be really upset. "The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. "Signed, Peter Griffin." Peter, Come help me with the groceries. Ok, honey.

All right, I want to be very clear about this. You can meet her, chat for a minute, and that's it. In and out. Don't worry, Brian, if she is as ugly as I think she is, I'll look at her once, and then I'll go... (IMITATING RETCHING) All over the place. Then you'll wipe it up. and then we will go.

We got to do something about this. I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible. Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way. You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby.

Well, that's what they do. They believe that disease is just an illusion. And the only way to fight it is to make your faith stronger. Illusions! You want to talk about illusions? If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated. But you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog!

Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Too late! There they are! Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands.

Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving. And, you know, I've seen you eat shit before, Brian.

Brian Griffin? Good luck, Brian. Uh, Hi, i'm--I'm Brian Griffin and This is from John Waltz's Leaving Wichita.

I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

Yes, I did! Ok. Now we're gonna play "7 Minutes in Heaven." And it's my party, so I want Doug to go in the closet with Meg. Ok. Here we go. Have fun.

Oh, my God, here comes Jared. Wow, he's in kindergarten. Hey, so you're the plug this year? Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug. Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row.

Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold. Duh!

STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe.

ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

Brian, Quagmire, Mort, you are gonna be my creative team. You are gonna help me lead this company into the future. Peter, we don't know anything more than you do about running a company. Hey, where's Joe? I think he's still outside. Hey, Joe! What're you doing down there? There's no ramp! I can't get inside! Well, we don't need him anyway.

No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick?

Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead,

I thought you were dead! Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not. I don't believe you. God, is that true? God? God, are you there? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God.

But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed like Bill Clinton.

And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok.

That's beautiful. What was that? It's Mozart's Violin Concerto Number One in B-Flat. "Plato's Symposium." This yours? Oh, yeah. It's pretty worn out. Yeah. I've read it, like, 100 times. I find Aristophanes' quasi-satirical origin myth regarding the three genders both fantastic and serious.

Now, I have to get hemp illegalized again, and the only way to do that is to start a fear campaign designed to turn people against pot. Will you help me? Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I could never go against Brian like that.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous!

It also said a grand piano will fall on me.

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.

Peter, watch the road! Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING)

Step right up. Step right up.

And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

No. To make you happy. I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter. But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan. Yeah, I should've guessed that when you were willing to dress up as Peter Criss. No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois! Not even Peter Criss! I guess I'm just not as cool as you thought I was. I guess not.

- Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good.

Oh! Oh--oh-Oh, this is just great! Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband? Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be. Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie?

Tell me tell me tell me do you love me do you love me... Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own riches.

- Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here?

Oh, my God, no! Quick, everyone! Into the pod!

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here?

This is Trisha Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Sea Breeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene. Who's that, baby?

Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes. You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was...

Yeah. It's an erotic book. I bought it at that sex shop.

I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone.

STEWIE: Hah! You tell him. Why? I agree with you.

Ahh! It was just a dream.

Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it! Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw.

Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire?

Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine.

- $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash. - Cold in here? - Nope, just really small. Face it, Mom. No matter what I wear, I look ugly.

Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy. I'm gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some more exercise.

Must kill star.

Hey, Lois, what's this word? "Evel." And this one? "Kneivel." - And this one? - "Was." And this one? "Born." And this one? "In." And this one? "Montana." Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana?

(PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

All right, let's hurry up and find a way out! (GASPING) Well, well, it's quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem. Kill them.

Drago! You know the exam's in three hours? Ah, crap! All we've done is work out.

They've won! There is one way, Adzin. You can shoot yourself. If it's the only way, I must. (GUN SHOT)

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard. Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now? You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

Good morning, Mom and Dad. Wow! Look who's finally out of her room after five days. Oh, you're alive. I guess you are gonna need that college fund. Chris, do Daddy a favor. In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel. Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him.

Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Seven. Seven prostitutes. This is a shakedown.

Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here? Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem. Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night. Keep it down. Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with a lead pipe.

Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy! So We're not going just because some little pissant tells us to. I demand to see the owner! That's me. I'm Bob Funland. What? Y-You own this whole place? That's right! This place is my legacy!

(INAUDIBLE) Okay, there's a book signing at the Barnes and Noble on Union Square at 5:00. And then at 7:00 you're meeting with a reporter from In Style magazine at Pastis. I just want to warn you, she's very heavy. So be prepared for that. Jeez, how heavy?

You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh!

I look even more foolish than when I was at that cocktail party. All right, you're gonna love this. So.... Hang on a sec.

Stewie? (TRUCK HORN HONKING) Say "Yes" to life, Brian! I'll be home for Christmas. Son of a bitch! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

- Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in.

(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Meg. Eli was the best boy I'll ever meet. And now I'll never see him again. ELI: Yes, you will, Meg. (GASPS) Eli. Eli? What are you doing here? I could not let you leave without me, Meg.

And in conclusion, whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars, follow your heart and make it so. (EXCLAIMING) He said the thing he says on TV! Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions.

Brian, what happened to Peter? He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger. That's not the man I married. So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. What?

Fine. I'll kill you. No, no, kill him. He's a baby. He won't even remember he was alive.

Hey, look, everybody. It's Spuds MacKenzie! Ahh!

CLEVE: Fuck that.

I'm calling that damn troop leader. We're going over his head. Straight to the youth Scout head office in New York. Pack your bags, you guys! The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple! Ha ha. Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York! Ha ha! This does not affect us at all, ha ha! Ha ha! I can't believe we're actually going to New York.

Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly! Check this out, you guys.

- Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then. - Don't know any better. - Bless your heart. Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded. You're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go. Well, Bill, that's gotta be Bobcat. Oh-oh, Sorry, that was Bjork.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy so, uh, uh, Tell me about yourself, Tina.

Some weather we're having. Okay. I was recently in Munich. Did you ever notice how the government buildings there are quite well-maintained? Okay. We have no guest. Good night.

he's gonna know I've been smoking pot. So I need some of your urine, so I can... Uh, you don't have to be naked for this. But I don't have to not be naked for it, either. Aha! Come on, Stewie. Hurry up and pee. Joe's waiting for me. Brian, you know I can't go unless you stare at it.

It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning

Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her. Oh, yeah? What do you know about women? You want to know how to get women? There's only one place in town you need to observe. Just watch. I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.

(LIPS SMACKING) There we go, all moist. You see, dear? And that's only the beginning. Retirement will be a wonderful adventure, and we'll do it together. You're gonna retire? From what?

Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh. Oh. uh.

I want to see more of him, and then suddenly none of him. Forever. (TIRES SCREECHING) All right, you know what? This is not working. If you're gonna learn to drive, you're gonna have to practice first. Here, play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours,

- What is this? - 4 seconds. - Is thaT-- - 3 seconds. - It smells like-- - Clean my pee! Mom, I can't clean. I got stuff to do. Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do. Now, I don't want to hear any more excuses from anyone. Oh, Crap! We did it again!

Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go! All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh? Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made. Are you wearing a girl's sweater?

But tha-that doesn't sound right.

Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's really funny. Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter. They have killed a great many of us, including my beloved wife. Peter, this is it! This is the evidence you've been looking for! If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify publicly about these atrocities?

Ahh! Get away from me, you creep! (DOOR SLAMS) (GASPS) My God! There was nothing wrong with my mirror! Everyone sees me as a woman! Oh, no! This is the universe giving me what I deserve for being such a pig all the time! From now on, I'm gonna do things differently. Men are jerks!

I do, because I'm her father, and she's 16. What are you, like 38? Forty-one.

- ANNOUNCER: Now, back to Happy Days. - Ah, that Fonzie is magic. I love the way he hits the jukebox to make it work. What is it, Mr. C? Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. Eh.

I, uh, I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me, while I touched myself. Oh, come on. Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.

Dad, watch out! aah! Meg, honey, are you ok? Yeah, I think so.

You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I got to figure you're in there. How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk. Peter, this all looks very expensive. Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive.

Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you. What a weird little guy. Thanks, Joyce. How old do they usually live to be, by the way? Well, you never see a gray-haired one. So inspiring.

No, Dad. (HEARTBEAT THUMPING) (SCREAMS) Stop!

What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts!

(MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING) (SCREAMS)

Well, at least I didn't get robbed. (DOOR OPENS) And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today? I got to say, Meg, I like you so much better like this.

I mean, come on, you gotta get your car home, right? I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want, for me to take a bus? Well, screw that. You take a bus. I'm that kind of drunk. Shotgun.

I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store. It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it!

What? Mom, I don't want to go to fat camp! I'm sorry, sweetie. It's for your own good. And trust me, you'll feel much better about yourself. Everyone's gonna make fun of me!

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight, in a shocking turn of events, the city of Detroit has officially given up. The now former mayor has given the key to the city back to the Huron Indian tribe. So, farewell, Detroit. From Bob Seger to Axel Foley, we never really cared. Joyce? Thanks, Tom.

Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going.

And that's Connie. I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck.

Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's assbitch. If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her. I'd like those things for us, Chris.

Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel?

You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape.

So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me? What? You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know?

Ah. That was delicious. You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside, isn't that funny? Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. We had reservations at another place and they... Right, right, honey? Yeah. They couldn't seat us for, like, an hour, so we ended up coming here and we just loved it. Loved it.

Yeah! You're a little too heavy, buddy. Yeah! We're going down. Yeah! Yeah.

Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Yup.

(SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS) (HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy?

Victory is ours.

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too. And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog. Please. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be.

Hey, man. Cool specs. Thanks, G. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin. No relation. So tell me, home boy, how about the baggy clothes we Kids are wearing these days? Aren't they phat and stupid and poppin' fresh?

I can't believe you drank 300 bottles of beer without succumbing to alcohol poisoning. Peter, are you a witch? Yeah. But don't tell anyone.

Ugh. Get a tan. Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped.

Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore. You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it!

(FEEDBACK ON PA) A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl RED: To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about.

MADAME CLAUDE: Months rolled by, and Griffin and Lady Redbush continued to flourish happily in the colony of Quahog, completely unaware that King Stewart was on the march. CHORUS: There was a peaceful town called Quahog

It won't be long before she takes a lover. Oh, my head! She already has two cell phones. Oh, man, what happened last night? WOMAN: (WITH RASPY VOICE) I can tell you what happened. What the... Who the hell are you? Who the hell do you think I am, sweetie? Oh, no. You mean... That's right, baby.

Mr. Herbert was saying terrible things about you. He said you liked Hitler, and your name isn't really Gutentag. Oh, Chris, you can't always believe what you hear. For example, everybody thinks that prostitution is illegal, but there are ways around it. All right, let's do it.

Being Jewish doesn't really have to change you or your family's life. Well, I guess you're right. There's no reason things should be any different around here. Shalom, Jews.

Doesn't that sound wonderful, Brian? Are you ready to go to the nice farm? No! No! You'll never take me alive! Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, man.

Hey. Hey. You ok there, Mr. Crocodile? Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up. You need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin? Huh? Huh? Ah-- There you go. Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh!

We'll bring him down, Mom. All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet.

It was a mistake making them Portuguese, though. People don't even know what a Portuguese is. That's what I thought a Portuguese was. Me and my brain, huh? And we're just getting started! Boy, it's not like Quagmire to be this late.

What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red?

Hey, dudes, what you looking at? We think we found something. (PROBE DROID CHATTERING) That's it. The Rebels are there.

What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.

My house burned down.

Your husband's in here, ma'am. Lois! Peter, what's going on? Is it true? Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy? Hi, Lois. Hi. Look, Lois, we were just trying to help Mort. Peter, how could you do this? You have a family. Did you ever stop to think about us before you did something that could send you away to prison?

Why is everybody glaring at us? Why, Lois? I'll tell you why. your--Your faux pas last night at the concert was so upsetting I called a university professor to tell me what phrase to use to describe it. Use "faux pas."

Come on, time for you to meet some women who are gonna make you forget about Jillian. Looks like there's a lot of gay guys here. Yeah, everybody's having a good time. Brian, I want to introduce you to Joanna. Look out for this one, she's a bit of a card. Okay, here's one for you. What food can't make up its mind?

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh-oh. All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out, it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation. I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass. Is my eye big? Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress.

(SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois...

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Now you must die! (GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS) Tom? Tom! (THUNDER CLAPPING)

so I'm probably going to die, but if I don't, I'll see you in 18 months with a canvas bag of salt and a tin of whale fat for the children. I've dug graves out back for all of you in the likely event that you, too, shall perish. WOMAN: You were a good man, Abraham. Please scrawl that on a rough-hewn piece of wood in my honor. WOMAN: I shall. (GROWLING)

I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

Peter, this is a house of corrections. You gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.

Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

There's no guarantee it's your baby.

That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Peter! Yeah, she flosses in bed, she snores like a wildebeesT-- Thank you, Mr. Griffin. We now move on-- W-w-Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet. She freed Willie Horton, she nailed Donna Rice-- - Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies. Peter! Peter!

and it's now further up than my finger can reach. I am ready to farm this out to someone. Oh, Stewie, there you are. Peter, I asked you to do one simple thing. Watch the baby. And you couldn't even do that. Come on, Stewie.

Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer. Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today.

But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive. Bring it on!

You see, basically, I got home from work one day and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. Oh, that's terrible. I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for nine years.

Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois.

Hey, any of you guys seen your mother? She never came to bed last night, and I can't find her anywhere. (HORN HONKING) (HARD ROCK PLAYING) What the hell?

Uh, Miss Stratford? Come in, Mr. Griffin. Don't be nervous. The I.R.S. is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. You smell nice. What? Oh, That must be you. No. It couldn't be me. I just farted. Oh. Well, I just have a few questions about your return. Did you incur any medical expenses this year?

Whoa, whoa, slow down there, partner. All sales are final. Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale. What? I just saw that word somewhere. I wanted to use it.

ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report brought to you by Kia. Kia: Too bad it's a Kia. A big day at Fenway today, as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six.

The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois. What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING)

Wouldn't it? (LAUGHS) Yes, it would.

Boy, I really appreciate you guys helpin' me out on this. Peter, we're your friends. We're always there for you in your time of need. Especially when you provide the free beer. Uh... Hey, Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never". You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.

Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. What are you doing? Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them? Yeah. Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois,

Taxi! Follow that family. Come on, everybody, over the fence.

M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom!

Swamp monsters! Of course! Lois, what are you doing here? I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be? You know, that whole swamp monster story. Swamp monster? You haven't heard? Heard what? Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

It wasn't funny. He's hilarious, that guy. It wasn't funny. It was gay. (LAUGHS) What? Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay? We should all be so gay! Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh?

The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that.

Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire? Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business. Husband? Morning, Pete.

Hey, Joe, is this the same chief whose wife is a real hog?

I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually... It's kind of a funny story. What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

It's also about just being there for the people you love. Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.

Everyone, this is Brian. Oh, this is Brian. He does look like Ben Affleck. He looks just like Ben Affleck. - Is that Ben Affleck? - Hey.

It really isn't, Brian.

Oh, Peter. ahh! Ahh!

Hmm. I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here. Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk.

I thought maybe you and I could have a sleepover tonight.

Hey, I'm proud of myself, man. I mean, I think it's like... You know, I think everybody has greatness in them, but it's really about having the courage to just kind of get inside your own head and just kind of poke around in there, you know, and be like, "Hey, oh, my gosh, what's under here? "Hey, what do you call yourself?" "Oh! Wisdom." "Oh! Profundity."

STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe. Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.

You want to go out? No? Okay.

I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover. I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole.

(ALL SCREAM) What the hell? (CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television.

Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH? Oh, no. I don't want to bE A boTher. Hey, Is that turkey? Yes, Death. We were in the middle of a turkey dinner,

Yuck! All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by.

JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there? (BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, I love you! All that and everything. (PHONE RINGING) Hi, I'm Classy. All right, let's get this going, sweet cheeks. - You got a handkerchief? - Uh... Yeah. Good, ball that up and stick it in your mouth. (MUFFLED) Okay. Now, what else you got there? You got a stapler? Uh-huh. Yeah.

How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello! Max Weinstein? Look, I'll do what I can, but I don't know why you think I can get your money back. M-m-max, Max, Max, let's not deny our heritages. You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade. Now Help me get my money back.

Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say. Wait, you're not gonna go, are you? It's clearly some kind of scam. Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel. Oh, not the kennel. Last time you left me there for an hour. Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"?

Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys!

Sure. And here's a copy of my last movie. It's essentially Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses. Hey, the sun's been up for an hour. Shouldn't we get riding? Are they still sleeping? I don't know. I'll check. (SCREAMS) What? What? What is it? Oh, God! Oh, my God! What? Oh, my God! Run!

Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer? 'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come. Look at that, Brian. Cleveland is back living across the street. Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time.

Did we finish fueling? Do you see the hose in the plane?

I... Oh, what the hell. Oh, I love you, too, buddy. Come on, Stewie. Let's go home. Hmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state right now, Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?

Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me,

(SNORING) Peter, wake up! Who? What? Lois. I just had the weirdest dream that Lewis Black told jokes that were so funny, he had to shout them so everyone could hear. Peter, you got to stay awake. The spelling bee's tomorrow!

She's doing something wonderful for a couple who can't have their own children and are too egotistical to adopt.

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger? Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him! What about Seamus? You hated James Woods. You told me so! Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today.

Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore. And they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.

Oh, are we watching a movie? The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing?

What? Um, I said... I don't know what I said.

No. Let him go.

Wait a minute! You saw the whole thing? Yes, indeed. (LAUGHING) Boy! Have I been having some fun at your expense, old man! How could you do that to me? Do you have any idea how upset I am about all this? I killed one of my own kind, Stewie. How would you feel if you killed a baby?

No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk!

That's not a car. What is that? (ALL SCREAMING) Hello?

(SHUSHING) That's okay. I'll show you. Just follow my lead.

Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice. Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there?

I don't know what the big deal is. I stopped for one drink after work. Yes, but it's every night.

What is this? This is a weird gun. Yeah. Don't touch that. Oh, it's a flare gun. Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger? (BOTH SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GEESE HONKING)

LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois. I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Yeah! Peter, would you get in the damn bed?

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more!

Oh, my God! Oh, oh, thank yOu! Thank you! thank you!

Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car.

Well, hurry back, handsome. Oh, Peter, this is so much fun. I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about?

And black guys, by and large, they're not so helpful on a fishing vessel. Now, Portuguese, absolutely, absolutely. I even had a couple of Japanese guys who worked out great. Thank you very much. You guys have been terrific. And now, our final performance of the night.

and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome! That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian. We fix it up and sell it for a huge profit. You're crazy. No, I'm not gonna buy this house with you. Fine. I'll just give the profits to another investor. Plenty of others interested.

Hi. (GIGGLING) Is it not true that you went to see Dr. Hartman for a simple prostate exam? No, I went for a flu shot. At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome.

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity! (MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)

Quite a situation we've got here, Tom. Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island,

Jesus Christ, look at you! You had it all, money, fame, eternal life, the perfect hand for masturbating, and you blew it! You let it all go to your head! I know, Peter.

Hey, Lois, give me a penny. You're not gonna throw it over the edge, are you? No. Yes.

Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate. intimate. IntiMatE. So we're really gonna live here now? Intimate.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?

I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done. (GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES PLAYING)

If I seem to come on too strong I hope that you will understand

(GASPS) Stewie! That's my name, don't wear it out. (GIGGLING) See, that's brand new to him.

I'll take the one on the right!

Wow. Wow, are you glad you left the lighthouse now, Seamus? Oh, I think so, Seamus!

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting.

Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on--

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hello? Hello? It can't be. This house is deserted. He moved. He's gone. Rupert's gone. Wait a minute. Look! The moving truck. We're not too late. Hey! Hey!

Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes.

Oh, great. This is going to be worse than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin. (FARTING) Hi, Stewie. (FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there.

No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Oh, oh, look, everybody. It's starting. (THEME SONG PLAYING) CHOIR: There was a man He dropped out Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

Old enough? Yes. But I wouldn't bark down that alley, you frighten him. He thinks you're a Transformer that broke halfway through. I get that a lot. I understand. Look, Mort was in trouble. We were just trying to help him out. Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that.

Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works. Oh, I like that a lot. All right, mo--Moving on.

He got a hooker. Ha! No, no, but she is a prostitute.

Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good. Oh, My God! They're at it again!

$100 million! ...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million! Money, money, money

It has come to my attention that this is an English class.

Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

We'll shop, come home, eat, and then it's off to the pageant to see our little Stewie play baby Jesus.

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right?

A devastating pileup on I-95 has injured eight people and killed two others. Naomi and Dale Robinson were pronounced dead on arrival at Quahog Hospital. Oh, my God! In other news, a local man has won the lottery. Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jack... Oh, boy.

Freshman? Freshman! I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.

(BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS)

Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on?

(MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit.

QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife!

Hey. Let's not be that kind of chain gang.

Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan. Dylan is gonna be staying with us for a while. Dylan, it's so nice to meet you. Shut up, bitch! Oh! He got you, Lois. No, no, no! Tracy can't do this. She can't just leave him here. Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family. I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep?

Not me. (SOBBING) PETER: Put the dog out. The dog's crying. Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out? I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. Ahh! Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin.

Look, the only way to get any respect around here is to find something you want and just take it!

Whoa! What the hell are these? Hamsters? Oh, my God, they're adorable!

I like you. I like you. Oh, thank God.

(PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.

Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex? Hmm... (EXCLAIMING)

Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is. But first, get ready, Quahog, because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend at the Quahog Performing Arts Center. (SCOFFS) Barry Manilow.

Ow. Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant!

Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! Face it. He's the life of the party. Oh, Yeah? I'll show you who's the life of the party. Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah... Peter? Hello, Peter? Peter, are you there? I can hear you breathing? Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

He's a family guy Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi.

Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it!

There's beauty up above And things we never take notice of You wake up and suddenly you're in love

(GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian! Don't ask me how he did it, but Jim Varney got the shotgun! Run for your life! What? Run!

Wh-Where is everybody? I'm--I'm the only brain cell left. Well, At least I have my books. No. No, that--that-- That's Not fair! that's not fair! There was time now! It's not fair!

Mr. Tucker? I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look greaT. Uh-oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan! I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.

Where? Oh, yeah. Now, that's a job. Fresh sea air, working outside. That's how a real New England man makes a living. Well, Maybe that's something to think about, Peter. What's that, Daddy?

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie!

Oh, my God! You're the guy on the card! (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Give me a call.

Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual don't mind comin' in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people.

I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning.

Dad, please don't do this! You can't make him marry me! I just wanna talk to him.

It's time for Kirk Cameron.

Oh, hey, Meg. What have you been up to?

I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times. Hey, uh, Hey, Leif. It's been a while. Too long, man.

Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

Tonight I sleep alone But still, this house is freakin' sweet Peter, how could you sell our house in quahog without even asking me?

Y-You could end up in jail. And Not the good jail like on Cinemax. The "man" jail. Go back and pay the bill, Peter. You, uh, don't want to break the law. I can do whatever I want. Watch this. Oh, Now you're just being crazy. Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE.

Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you. (MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention.

Han! What are you still doing here? Well, I just realized that my spaceship works better when I have the keys. Duh!

Oh, my God. She's dead.

Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING) (GRUNTING) Crimony.

Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh!

Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on.

Now I see where you get it. Meg, he's so charming. My name is Chris. I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done? Well, let's eat. I think it's very, very nice that our children had this wonderful kiss.

Oh, really? "We" or "I"? What do you mean? You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss. Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei. Hello. (CHUCKLING) Man, it's cold in here.

(SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

Hey! Hi, Chris. You know my name? Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg. Oh. Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked. And I'm allowed to videotape it.

Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going? Terrible.

No, my pants just got shorter 'cause I hated the idea. And this is Chris. Chris, this is my son, Dylan. Hi, Dylan. All this stuff in here is mine now. Oh. Well, okay, but be careful opening the closet, 'cause that's where the evil monkey lives.

- Slut Convention? - Yeah. They were promised a single millionaire, but it's really just a bunch of horny squirrels in a rich-guy suit. So, you made your money in business? Where's your room, handsome? Can I at least have that pen?

Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

Oh! Good. Yeah. (CHOKING)

So, did you break up with Lauren? No, I didn't. As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what?

This was never about Christmas presents, Brian. Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole? Because I'm going to kill Santa Claus! (OMINOUS MUSIC) So it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus.

Yeah, he came to my house when he found out I was a Nielsen family. Asked what I wanted to see. Hey, hey, you know what would be cool? If he did the news with a family of prairie dogs, and whenever he said something sad, they'd pop their heads up, all concerned. Peter, you sure that's such a good idea? People rely on the local news to provide them with several stories a year on how saltwater taffy is made.

See how the big ones are getting yellow? Ah, yes, very Muslim. Listen, Peter, some friends of mine and I are getting together tonight and we wanted to invite you to join us. O-M-A.

Meg, it goes by many names. Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers, and, until recently, Giant Horse Vagina, but I prefer the term mustache.

They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.

(MISPRONOUNCING) How could I have been so myopic?

(LAUGHING) Chris, I don't think we should be leaving the trail.

A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial. But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot.

Heh, Look at that, Lois. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me. "So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever."

Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you? Live with me? My goodness, I feel like I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. Hot dog, it's real.

Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex?

Well, you look a lot better. I did it, Brian! Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk. I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive.

Kids, have you seen your father? (PHONE RINGING) Hello? PETER: Is dinner almost ready? Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you. Pull back my chair ever so slightly. (SIGHS) Daddy's home.

We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets. Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery.

And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication.

Oh, God! I forfeiT! Well, That's it, folks. it looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers and is once again undefeated. Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him.

But you know what is important? I'm gay now.

Brian, come over here and meet Sea Breeze, my prize-winning dog. Isn't she a perfect specimen? I mean, look at these legs, and that beautiful coat and feel the heat coming off of her genitalia. You could roast a marshmallow. That's how You can tell she's a champion. Go on. Put your hand there.

Give me my keys, Horace! I'm going to see my boss! But, Peter, you're drunk! Horace! You're right. This is more important. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Space Camp? I'm sorry, that one must have accidentally gotten in with the rest of them. What are you saying? That I'm too stupid for it? Chris, we're over here. What are you saying? That I'm too stupid for it? No, no, of course not. Then this is the camp I choose. Yay! I get to go to Space Camp!

What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other,

Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy.

(YELLS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, you bastard! You should've seen your face. That's so not funny. Now I gotta empty my pants. What's that? - Acorns. - Acorns? Acorns, that's what I said! - We sound too much alike. - I know.

- It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no... (BRAYING)

Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks.

Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass. Why can't you just hire a real baby-sitter? Well, I guess we could do that. Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on BlindDate. I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah.

Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star. Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back?

Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room! Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?

Can't we just do something fun here at the house? It's just as relaxing. Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums. I'll start packing. I'll start packing. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it.

And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense. You said "nuclear." It's "nucular," dummy. The "S" is silent. It's almost midnight. We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us?

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to A Christmas Carol.

Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War! Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without--

I just sent you a picture of a kitten in sunglasses.

All right, everyone. Clearly, something very strange has happened here. We each seem to have acquired superpowers from that nuclear waste. We've been given a gift. And whether that gift is Chris' fire conjuring... ...Stewie's telekinesis, Brian's super-speed--

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther. Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus!

He's a family guy

Wow, Peter, a free gas card. This could save us a lot of money. Yeah, everyone except Brian, 'cause he bought a Prius. What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? (LAUGHS) Brian, you suck.

Stewie, what's wrong? (WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So? Brian, he put it up inside. Oh, God. Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory.

(CLASS GIGGLING) Okay, it's just a rear end. We all have one. Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's.

Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches? Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game.

All right, come on in, everybody. Have a seat anywhere. Meg's gonna open her presents in a little bit. Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it.

Come back home, Brian. I tell you what. When this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of Cool Whip. There it is again. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? (SIGHS) That's exactly why I miss you, Brian. Forget it. I'm not going back as long as that new dog is there. As long as he's a part of that family, there's no place for me. Well, I can't say I blame you.

(HISSING) Wanna have sex?

Hey, Chris, give me the juice!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What the hell happened? Where is everybody?

Oh, My God! You were really gonna do it! i-- But-- You... Nurse, this dog is trying to kill me! Nurse! You are twisted, lady! y-You hear me? You are screwed up in the head!

You have no idea what I'm talking about. Now, in each of these alternate universes, the reality is different than our own. Sometimes only slightly, sometimes quite radically. The point is every possible eventuality exists. And that's where you got the pig, in a parallel universe. Prepare yourself, Brian, and I'll show you.

Peter, how could you sell our house in quahog without even asking me? Aw, Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, Like diamonds.

Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well! Joe, you promised. It's Christmas. Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter.

They're not going for it, Chewie. Everybody, they're not going for it. This is failing. Luke, take this gun. You shoot me, I'll shoot you. CONTROLLER: (ON RADIO) Shuttle Tyderium, the shield has been deactivated. You are cleared to approach. (CHUCKLES) Well, there you go, gang! False alarm! Oh. (STAMMERING) False alarm?

"Vagician" was funnier. Okay, well, the point is we ought to be worried.

So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to see my ex-husbands? That's my point, Carol. This is the kind of pain I'm trying to spare you from experiencing all over again. Why can't you just let me be happy with the man I love?

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N. All right. 90210. Dad? Meg, what are you doing at West Beverly?

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement.

Jeez, Can we not talk about curtains for 2 seconds? I got another one of those relationship tapes. $49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE.

(SPEAKING SPANISH) (ANNOUNCER SPEAKING SPANISH)

He was a kamikaze pilot. Yeah, no, I heard you, he was a Karma Chameleon, but how come I never met him? Because he died, Peter. Oh, my God, when? And how?

What do we do now, Bill? We write, Tim. We write our story. Goodbye, dear. It's all my fault! (WAILING) (LAUGHING)

Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass. CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... (BELCHES)

(SCREAMS) Damn it! That's what I thought.

All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

Green Are you dead?

It's your brother. I found him for you, buddy. What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry.

Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.

Yes. Now, I believe there is just one last piece of unfinished business to take care of here. (GROANS) I'm sorry, but the Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet and Duke of Lacrosse Team already arrived two hours ago. But that's impossible!

Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire.

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha."

I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you. Oh, My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself. Ahh! My device! My teeth!

For what? I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door. (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy!

Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street?

The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

"And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous "turn out to be the most fun." Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter. (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY)

They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

(PHONE RINGING) I'll get it! Hello. Hi, Meg. It's Bonnie. How is everything going there? Great. Has Joe died? What? No. That's good.

Yello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter. What's up? Not much. Well--Well, what do you want? Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. What you thinking about? Wha--What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me! I just wanted to say hi.

Ah! What the heck?

Wonder what the hell's down there. Judd Hirsch? Hey. What's going on? Nothing. All right. Hi, boys. Your ride is here.

Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

Sam, can I talk to you? Sure. But why aren't you looking at me? Well, That's the thing, um, I'm no good at talking to girls. That's why I ran away from you. Well, You didn't have trouble talking to me when you thought I was a boy. Yeah, that's true. Just pretend I'm a boy. Ok.

I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad. Hey, Dad, do you want to play baseball? Oh, my God, could you leave me alone? You are the neediest kid. I can't believe you gave up our show.

All right. Hey, I need more cheese puffs, manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? $100,000. Pretty good, huh? Jeez! He's been in L.A. how long?

(GUN COCKS) I am the Windmaker, and I shoot monkeys now.

And it's a thriller. It's really a love story, too. I try to dance in every room at least once a week. I also listen to jazz while I vacuum, which is cool. Anyway, it comes out Friday. I got to work with Julianna Margulies... My pets were going wild all weekend. I think there's, like, something in the air. ...who could not have been nicer. Like smog or pollen. Or pollinated smog, or... Are you just gonna talk over everything that I say? I love talking on TV. I'll... I'll do anything to talk on TV.

Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running. Okay, James, you ready? Now catch it in your mouth like Brian.

Holy crap, this is awesome. I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that marathon.

(SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend. ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report brought to you by Kia.

No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him. I'll do it, I'll be James Woods. From this day forth, I am James Woods. And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it.

Mmm, I think they left a note. Brian, what do you know about this? Nothing. I know when you're lying to me, Brian.

Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

So, you got my money? Oh, yeah. I'll pay you soon. Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man. I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody

Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry.

Wow! Miss December! Yep, the old skin bin. Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal! Wow, check out the rack on... Mom? Hey, Give me that! Just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Heh, heh, heh. All right, Dad!

That's odd. I thought that would be big news. You thought what would be big news?

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?

I should probably get outta your hair. Oh, But you just got here! Oh, We can stay in touch, can't we? Oh--oh--oh, What's your e-mail? Mine is "loismustdie," all one word, "@yahoo.com." W-w-w-Wait a second. Death? I, uh, I used to fear ya, but now I'm glad we met. Because you've given me a great gift. The complete Boz Scaggs. How did you know?

Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm. (SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie.

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby. I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest.

That's right. Get it nice and clean.

Excuse me, Principal Shepherd, there's something I'd like to discuss. The school has gone too far with these budget cuts.

what kind of person would I be? A bitch. Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity.

Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk,

Also, we perpetuate the ideal that Jesus chose America to destroy nonbelievers and brown people.

Absolutely. But how do you intend to escape? You leave that to us. Come on. Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY PLAYING)

WhAt? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh, uh, I mean, What?

Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me. (SOBBING)

Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God!

I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent! Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face, which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins.

OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

Is there anyone here who hasn't had a c-section?

Follow me. What's going on? Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends! Well, I thought they could provide some insights that might improve your love life. Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy.

Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold.

Heh. Here they are.

Um, uh, I was-- I was just throwing it out there. I was thinking, uh, you know, if you ever want to... I don't know, screw around or somethin'. Uh, Hey, Joe. Uh,

(CROWD CHEERING)

That Dr. Seuss reading was dreadful.

Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable! Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich? I don't want to die!

Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head. What? I'll miss you. Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch? Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie.

I need her, Peter. I love her.

Look what happened by accident. I hear there's a lot of buzz about this band. Yeah, there was a pretty positive review carved in Tony's ass. All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father... that we're here for his band's first performance. The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Ouahog...

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy

(HUMMING TUNE) I have no idea.

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)

you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo." Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing. Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star?

It appears a new challenger has entered the field. The crowd has fallen deathly ill-- silent. Sorry.

Will you marry me? Yes! Of course!

Well, Have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer? Creepy. Oh, I saw some cute dresses down the street. If nothing else, it'll make you feel better. Come on, you guys. Well, If you want to be a hero, right now might be a good time. This isn't what I was expecting. I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.

Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

The following laws will go into effect immediately. Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal. It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death. Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader.

Oh, wow, look at that, Stewie. Perfect timing. Oh, it's beautiful. Everything's just so beautiful here. Ugh. This is miserable. Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home,

Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words. Horace owned The Clam for over 30 years. During that time, he touched all of our lives. He was a great bartender and a great friend. And so let us take a look back on his life through this video commemorating all the DUIs that he was responsible for.

You want to remove us from the area? Yes, ma'am. This criminal will stop at nothing to find your son. So We're placing your family in the witness protection program. Oh, Is Europe an option? I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English. You know, Slacking off a bit, but really getting to know myself. Well, Until we catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the deep South.

HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking powder. It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING) FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING)

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room.

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin.

For example, here's what happened when we fertilized an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt. Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine. Oh, okay, good. Make fun of his wheelchair. What? What? Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair."

"Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others? Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

My God! They're everywhere!

Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.

Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night. Or do you?

What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change. Damn right I do! Now, get this turd-filled sack off...

Well, yeah. Doesn't everybody? No! Brian, what are you doing home? I couldn't do it, Lois. You know, I thought I'd be able to finish this time. But I just don't have what it takes to be a college graduate. But you're so close. I mean, your final exam's tomorrow. You can't just give up. You could study tonight.

So come and get some, punks. An increase in crime? That can't be right. I haven't noticed anything like that. You're in the house 14 hours a day. What would you notice? Well, I hate to admit it, Lois, but over the last couple of years, this town has changed a lot, and not necessarily for the better. Yeah, I mean, the other day, I left a doodie right in the middle of a Crate and Barrel.

Hi, boys. I didn't have my hands down my pants. Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, and this is News...

Hai! "Peter who hasn't answered "because something has gone terribly wrong." LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you there? Now, let's go get that kid.

I sense the good in you. Hang out with me on the lighter side of the Force.

Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas.

I am vanquished. I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy!

On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family. (GRUNTS)

But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you!

(AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back! Come get, bitch. (SIGHING) (VACUUM CLEANER ROARING) (GROANING) (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)

But, I guess every girl has her own version of Prince Charming. I'm in love with Paul. I'm in love with John. You know what? I'm in love with Ringo. What? Um, I said... I don't know what I said. Sounded like you said you were in love with Ringo. Um, I don't think so. Pretty sure you said, "I'm in love with Ringo." Here I am.

Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin!

The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not. Um... Excuse me. Excuse me? Boy, I wonder where the shampoos are around here.

Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls.

He's a family guy

Well, what have you done to help?

Barkeep, petro-nemo-slappy-wag. That's Petorian for, "More beer, you slappy-wag."

Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion. No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible. You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT.

I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?

Actually, Superstore USA has all that stuff. We can just get it there.

Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch. So, have you seen Ghostbusters? Save your breath, geekwad. I'm here with my boyfriend.

"for no person I've ever known has ever done more "to make me feel more sure, more insecure, "more important and less significant."

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week.

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho! Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy.

(SIGHING) I don't know, Peter. Well, there's no harm in visiting the Family Planning Center just to see what your options are. (SIGHING) It's such a big decision. Of course it's a big decision. Life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food. Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet?

Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.

Hillary Clinton's the VP.

And I can tell I'm her kind of guy

Damn. Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Correct! (CHEERING) I did it, Lois! My God, I did it!

I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked!

Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know.

Big League Chew. So take it from me, McGriffin, the Drug Dog. if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself. Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to... Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown. Hey, kids!

Hello, Loretta.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter. What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Well, we have exactly what... Ah, yes, here it is, "One way." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out. In a body bag from dog injuries. Good day, ma'am. This'll teach Joe to steal my movie night. I'm gonna have my own multiplex theater.

Shoot your little baby Stewie. (SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you.

I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you. Let's start by going down Main Street. Ok.

Hang on, Santa. We're coming. Hurry, boys. The eggs are hatching! What do we do? Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar! It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no!

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story tonight. Quahog, Rhode Island. Known for quaint neighborhoods, white sandy beaches and harboring blood-thirsty murderers? That's right, Tom. Former murderer O.J. Simpson has moved to Quahog. We don't have footage of the murder itself,

We are the Quahog colonists and Mort the Jew Hey there We're out here on stage tonight to do a show for you We got Peterson on the violin And Quagmire and Joe will be joining in We got stumpy Seamus on the lead guitar And he's gonna give you a great big...

- Oh, Quagmire! - Shh! Quagmire! Silence! C'est Quagmire. (CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap.

Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! ooh, Turn it up! Mom and Dad are on!

"His name is Sam."

We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check.

Stewie, no hitting! Use your words.

It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse. Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some Great Tits. 'Cause there certainly ain't any in here! Remember those two we saw last night? One was bigger than the other.

(WHISPERS) Happy Halloween.

and we'll deliver this baby. These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I always keep the gloves. Well, Maybe if I dig deeper. Nope. Just feels like more needles. Well, That's the craziest thing. Oh, Now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer.

That's something they consider conversation-worthy. Gosh, this has been an amazing week, Brian. I still can't believe you beat up that guy who tried to mug us. That was a great dinner. Yeah, I really liked that salmon you recommended. Yes. May I help you gentlemen? Hey, you're in a tough part of town. Now, give me your purse, doll face.

All right, we're gonna do it once more.

Lois, my darling!

And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.

Oh, for God's sake! Oh, yes. Ye--yes, I'll have the coffee cake.

What do you mean? This is great! Everyone's hilarious now. What do you think, Quagmire? What? I can't hear a thing over this noise. What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha!

I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game? Jeez, Lois. I spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing around.

Never mind. That does it, Peter. Either this bar goes or I do!

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim?

Before we begin, Chris Griffin has an announcement for the cool kids. Yeah, hey, guys. The meeting of the Cool Kids Club will be at 3:15, leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV in the parking lot. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN)

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it. - Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk? - Huh? You know that scene where Yoda comes in and they are about to have that big fight? Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk.

I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it.

Looks like your fans are back, Mom. Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! No, I think this one's all yours. Go, girl! All right! One's an innie, and one's an outie.

"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back." (ALL CHATTERING) I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce extreme budget cutbacks having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue.

Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the sunshine? Are you ready for... (ALL CHEERING) You dirty...

Is she over there right now? We should go take a look. No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott. Oh, damn! I was just there. Really? Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida.

but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there? (FLASH GORDON THEME PLAYING) You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian.

I am going to let Quagmire answer first. Yeah, I'll go. I shall go, too. Great. I'll see you guys tonight. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

Please, sir. I want some more. What? Please, sir. I want some more. More? All right! Stop it! Stop it right there! Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on!

(SOBBING) Oh, Glenn, there you are.

All right, how's my man-tan? There we go. All set. Good. A little body glitter for you. Yeah. Yeah. That's hot. That's hot. All right, let's do this.

Chris, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan. But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds,

Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up, what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner...

ls Peter here? I want to re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out. Hey, Wheat Thins! Take your top off.

You do love me, Brian. Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey. Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about our little talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all. Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Peter, you've raised a fine family. yeah, Well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up.

Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop. Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay. (STAMMERING) Yes, I am. Well, I'm something 'cause I've been at full-sail for the last half hour. No, Glenn, you're not. I see that now, and the truth is,

"the only negro in the state of Wisconsin." Amen. CONGREGATION: Amen.

(FART RESONATING)

Please, I beg you. Carter, what you did was unforgivable. And as beautiful as your words are, I just don't know that they can fix what's done. I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together.

(TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef. - Up yours, Sting! - Yeah, yeah! Hey, what's that song he does that I hate? Uh, Desert Rose. Yeah, yeah, that song sucks. (ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)

Fine. I'll wait outside. Here's a bottle of lotion. Uh, Joe... Right, sorry. Stewie, I need your urine! (GASPS) Really?

That good enough? Gold bread good enough for your Dylan? Hey, everybody! Look who's back to pick up her son. This isn't The Price Is Right. You said we were going to The Price Is Right. Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here?

Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

I booked you a boxing match. Son of a bitch! Damn it, Peter. I told you, I don't want to be a boxer! Who the hell do you think you are? There you go! Use that anger!

What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great.

(IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.

(GROANING) Joseph, my water just broke! - It's time! - Oh, my God! Please, you've gotta have some place for us! We're desperate!

Horace! You okay?

Wow, a parade. It's like I'm walking past stuff, but I'm not going anywhere. Look, there's the float commemorating sham marriages. Sorry, this stomach thing is acting up again tonight. Oh, and I'm going on a business trip to Mykonos for July. And it says this next one is the "Shocking Reveal Gay Float." (GASPING)

Don't repeat the last two words like you already kind of knew what I was talking about. You have no idea what I'm talking about. Now, in each of these alternate universes, the reality is different than our own.

(SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING)

and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.

And if we don't show them we appreciate their loyalty, they're gonna go someplace else.

I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake. And everything in between. Get in.

Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.

I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

(SOBBING) Get off me, you skank.

Oh, It looks like some wires got crossed on Clover Street. That's not Angela. That's Mona, Angela's mom. Wonderful use of tree bark for the age spots though. Mm-hmm. This one's got Tony bathing Jonathan. Well, That's just plain wrong. Each float possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-- Oh, baby! Look at that!

This might be totally off-the-wall, but are you doing anything Thursday night? You probably have plans anyway. You know what. Forget it, forget it, forget it. Nervous. You know, Ryan, most people take one look at me and just assume that I have plans. So I never get asked out.

Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening. Well, I don't see a way around it, do you? I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here.

You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN.

Do you think we should tell someone, or do something? Well, we could do something. Like what? Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh,

Oh, by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my teacher gave you something to sign to get him kicked out.

She's hot. All right, last call, fellows. It's closing time. Oh, crap! I'm not even half-buzzed. Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road? Fine by me. Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway. They had one on last night

Who the hell does he think he is?

and I'm pretty sure I've set things right. So I've built a cryogenic stasis device and am placing myself inside it, leaving instructions for it to be buried in very specific coordinates in what will be future Quahog. If everything goes according to plan, I will have spent the next 500 years buried beneath our basement. Oh, my God!

Madly Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night Huh? Did I tell you? Yeah, that was good. We were good.

text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois?

No intelligent defense of this unmitigated crap? Commercial!

Lois, what you reading? The Red Badge of Courage. I sure wish I could meet a brave fellow like the guy in this book. - I'm a brave guy, Lois. - Oh, yeah? I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death! Watch me. DEATH: Thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in!

Very well, Solo, if you won't talk, we have very effective means of torture. Whoa! Well, I don't want to be tortured. All right, Luke's on Dagobah, there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk, and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest.

I think... I think we're launching. Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand. No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

I promise, it'll never happen again. I hope not, Mrs. Stevens. Because next time we won't just take him away, we'll kill him. Let's see. Stanley, Starkweather, Stevens! So this is where babies come from?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired.

This party's worse than a Mexican funeral. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Of course, of course.

Griffin. Party of two. Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you. Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal. I kind of get the helmet. But what's with the water wings? Well, you did order the soup. Like something could happen....

(BEEPS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nah. It's too much, too much. (BEEPS) I love stars!

He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing.

Honey, Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy. I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her. Here's the tree. Merry Christmas to all and to all shut the hell up. Ah-ah, Before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog.

Oh, he's really upset.

(FARTING) Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What can I do for you, Mrs. Griffin? Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen.

You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her! I can't work this way. I quit! Fine. We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons.

You know, the one who got what she had comin'. Nice figure 8, Mom. Ha! All right. Ok, Bonnie. 1, 2, 3, Push! Yeee!

his name, Charles Dickens. Look at that. I want an explanation, mister. Hey, Connie pulled a power move. And When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. You say, ok. I just can't understand why you dumped your own daughter for Connie Demico. Lois, it's simple transference.

Some of that stuff is right on. Really? Wow. Well, give me a "for instance." Well, the guy talks about... Cesar Millan? Right, Cesar Millan talks about living in the moment because that's how dogs live, you know? We live in the moment. I so don't live in the moment. I'm always, "Oh, remember that petting zoo?"

Ok, and one, and 2, and 3...

The baby's hospital bill drained all our savings, so I've had no choice but to take this job. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

They say I should do standup. This is insane! Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town.

it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM)

(GASPS) You guys?

And he'll get it. Through faith. That's right. We will heal him with the power of prayer. (STAMMERING) You can't just let them walk out of here! Oh, I think they'll be back. (JANGLING) Are those their keys? No, they're my keys.

Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting. And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus. I just want to point that out to you. Chris, you're the man of the house now. Take the lessons I've taught you and be the best leader of this household you can. I will, Dad.

Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud.

I'm offended by that, and I'm not even Jewish. Peter, what is all this? Look, this is my way of letting you know that I'm embracing who you are. Oh, and I don't respond to Peter. From now on, I want you to use my Hebrew name. (HISSING) Well, I caution you...

(FRANTIC BARKING) Oh, thanks, Lois. Dylan put this paper bag on my head and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get it off. That kid's a sociopath.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, guys. Come on in.

Hey! Stewie? Oh, my God. Wow, this is... It's been a while. Yeah, I know, it has. So, you back in town? Yeah, we're moving back into the old house. Oh, that's... God, you look great. I mean, you're all in shape.

I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet. Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois. I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow. You know what would be a great idea for a TV show?

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there!

(SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh. Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

A phone? A pony? - A humidor? - A dead Lois? Yeah. Well, It's in the basement. Come on. Let's go see. My own phone! I'm gonna name him Sparky, and then I'm gOnna get hIm... What the hell? Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown.

The enchanted totem. We hold the key to the bridge of eternal crossing. Which will allow you safe passage across the chasm without end. But first, you must solve our riddle. All right. Well, we got to get to the North Pole and kill Santa. So, let's hear it. The riddle is this.

Oh, no! TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage.

I watched the sun rise in my jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket. Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool. You betcha, son. I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast, and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity.

Oh, my God, I attacked Lois! What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist! I'm... I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan! (CELL PHONE RINGING) STEWIE: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian."

Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.

LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting! Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever.

OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

Wait a minute. I do have a time machine! (MACHINE ZAPPING) Okay, Brian, I'm going to the IGA. Don't let Peter get into the cookie dough. Yeah, sure.

I sure did. Well, then... Hey, what do you say we go home, huh?

Wow. Still, you know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial, I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time.

Come on. Let's get out of here. All right. The two of you stand over there and I'll send you back where you belong. Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe.

Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well...

If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive? I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you.

ALL: White BMW. There you go, Lois. That's the answer right there. We'll just win the lottery. In fact, I'm going to go buy my winning ticket right now. Peter, what's wrong? It's, uh, nothing. I'm just going to wait a minute.

Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft. Oh, your ears. Your ears are like dog ears.

Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me. All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass.

PETER: Goodnight, honey.

(BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game?

A ha! Excellent! They detached the human component from the machine. Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go! Engage! Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system.

You call her "Lois."

CLEVELAND: Don't forget to put your tools away. We blew it, didn't we? Boy, you can say that again. We were right there, ready to save Roger Williams Park, and we got sidetracked by idle conversation. We're a terrible A-Team. You know what the problem is? We didn't stay focused. That's exactly it. I was gonna... We didn't stay focused.

In fact, I was just saying that the other day to all the guys down at the brewery. Brewery? I thought you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire. He's a fake! Look, this cowboy hat comes right off. Coming here was a huge mistake, Lois.

Well, this is no better. (SCREAMING) (GASPS) Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it! (SOBBING)

not being able to pay my child's hospital bills somehow makes me feel like less of a man. Oh, honey, that's silly.

Wait, wait, wait. Somebody's coming in. Oh, it's just some fat hooker. Oh, my God, it's Meg! What? Meg and Adam West. Ew! - (SHEEP BLEATING) - Sorry, sorry.

All right, guys, keep an eye out for our stuff. I got tired of not being able to find my bags, so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it. This trip was impoceros! There we go. I really enjoyed sitting next to you on the plane, Chris.

Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...born and raised... (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...most of my days... ...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood... ...One little fight...

(YAWNING) Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

The freakin' vet tells him,

You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm-- I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now.

Tastes like happy. Cool! That's imitatable! What the hell? El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company? Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children! Well, What do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising.

What can we, as citizens, do about mustache awareness? Good mustache question. We have a new product in our mustache catalog that makes a great stocking stuffer. We call it the Must-Stash. The slogan is, "You must stash "your Must-Stash in the mustache." That'll be all for today. Good mustache. ALL: Good mustache.

Good night, my dear.

Down therE? Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no! oh, That was Brian's favorite commercial. "Brian"? "Brian"?

Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that-- Operation!

Come on, a place where humans are in charge? I can't pass that up. Hey! Get away from there! (GRUNTING)

Ugly phoque and bitch. Good job, Chris. I think you're ready.

Hey, don't worry, Brian, you're still doing better than Quagmire. He got a hooker. Ha! No, no, but she is a prostitute.

Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.

So are you gonna dump him now? No, Gina. I'm not. You're not? No. There's something about him. He's not like the other guys. I actually really like him. You do? Yeah. In fact, I'm going to his house for dinner tonight so I can meet his parents.

Look, if you don't want to fight anymore, you don't have to. Well, good.

All right. So, we roll the dice, and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud. - At the same time? - Yeah. And you have to flap your wrists, like this. And you'll do it, too? Of course. That's how it's done. - Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck!

Hey, everybody. Guess what I am?

(BOTH GUFFAWING) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, pie. I know what you want. I saw you in that movie. Whore, slut, bitch. You don't deserve to have sex with me.

What's up, New Bedford? You look like rappers, but you're not black, so that's the perfect amount of danger.

Bring that trash in here!

As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids. Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle.

(DOORBELL RINGS) (GASPS) There he is now! Hey, Meg. You ready to go? Dad, you remember Michael Milano from the hospital. He's my date. Oh. Say, Michael, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there?

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers.

Mom, can I turn the heat up? Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset. Come on. This thing goes up to 90. Who touched the thermostat?

Is opening and closing the cash register a bunch of times helping business yet? No. Okay, then we'll do other stuff. Okay, Mort, now, if you want to get more customers in your pharmacy,

(ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser! I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again.

Why am I such a people-pleaser, you know? When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude. Can I just say before... Can we just, like, take two... I love... You're so brave.

A flight attendant? Wow. That does sound exciting. What made you change your mind? Just my desire to see you happy. Ohh! And to exploit your hard labor for free travel and fun. What? Shh, I didn't say anything. Go to sleep, crazy lady.

Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now. This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage.

Exemplary. Rock and roll.

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone. Oh, thank God, we're saved!

(SQUEAKING) (LAUGHS) I like that sound. (SQUEAKING) Mom, since when are you a boxer?

This year, instead of exchanging gifts, I told him it would be nice if we could just spend a romantic day together. Oh, dear! I think we all know what that means. Boing! Gross.

(WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah! Peter, how are we gonna get past the guard?

Hey, there's the guy who denied my health insurance claim. Sir, your nipples are fine! You don't need to reconstruct them! I want Hershey Kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them!

I don't know what it is, but you have got it.

We fight evil wherever we find it. Well, that's not gonna be enough. Look, you may need to reach out to some wealthy benefactors for financial backing. Do any of you know billionaire Bruce Wayne? No. None of us do. And he wouldn't want to lend us money anyway. I hear. Hey, hey, hey! What's up, Ginas... Vaginas?

Kids, why don't you wait in the car? Okay, Mom. Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse. There's always one. WOMAN: You can cry about it, or you can decide to live. It's your choice. STEWIE: Found her. Hey, what is it, Doc? Well, as a dog, Brian's kidneys are smaller and don't have the capacity of a human kidney.

(GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS) Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle. You had your chance and you blew it. Well, now you're too late. I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm. I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson. Stewie, did Mr. Jackson behave inappropriately toward you?

I'll go with you. Oh, my God! Gay! Shut up. He's obviously some sort of Superman. I just... I just need to know if he has any shortcomings. It'll make me feel better. You are not even... You're going in there to look... That's even gayer. BRIAN: Oh, come on!

Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl.

That's what. No, but seriously, there's something I want to talk to you about. Sure, Zac. Anything for you. You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet. We're gonna have a real raging time. Before you know it, we'll be like an old married couple.

- Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on!

All right, all the lights are out. They must be asleep. It's go time. (CLANKING) Peter, what the hell was that?

Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. What did he say? Nothing. That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. Is that true? All right, yes, fine, it's true. Why didn't you say anything? Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to...

All you want is something to fight against. I mean... I suppose we shouldn't be executing children. You see? You're not really one of us. Oh, my God... Lois was right. Right there. See, the fact that you would give a woman credit for anything, it means you're a liberal, Brian.

(MIMICS LOIS) Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's not going to sleep with her. That's you. Nerd. Look, everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have sex with him, you're a huge bitch. We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid.

we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis. All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna.

You do all your homework? Finish all your subjects? - Yes, sir. - Good. Just checking. Have a good night, Son. PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

(SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

ANNOUNCER: This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie. You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING)

No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here.

Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

There he is. Crap. Daddy? What's going on here? Brian here has stolen something very important from me. Give it to me, Brian. Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, but he won't release it because it's not profitable. So I stole it. Daddy, is this true? Yeah. So what?

- Not exactly. - Well, what were you doing in there? (SNIFFS) What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame. Yup. Life is confusing when you grow up. isn't it, Brian? At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl

There you go. A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you. Everybody gets a hen. Would you like some gravy? Sure you'd like some gravy.

Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex?

(SIGHS) Fine. Amber, would you like to have some dinner with our family? Nah, I can't. I got a wicked bruise on the back of my throat. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem, performed this afternoon by Peter Griffin and his dirt bike.

This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck?

You'll see. I'm gonna turn this kid into the greatest golfer ever! Fine! How did you get him to come to you? - With this. - Oh. - Love. - Jealousy. - Touch. - Forever. - Intense. - Passion. Obsession, Calvin Klein. Drink this, honey. It'll bring your fever down.

Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds? Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.

No, no, No. It's true. You see, that remote control cow was for my son, and... And those barrettes were for my daughter. And, uh... Hey, where's my V.C.R.? Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box! It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony." You gave away all the presents? Lois, if you strike me down,

Well, still, good for you. So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this.

From all of us at Family Guy we wish you Christmas joy. May all your wishes now come true for every girl and boy. We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer. So have a Merry Christmas and...

U.P.S. Heh, Little bastards ain't as smart as... Ah!

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Yes? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. He may even be downright, well, stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him.

Like what? Hey, gang, got room for one more right in the middle of you two? Come on, scooch apart, there. Oh, What's this? Quagmire's cell phone? Well, now that you're with Meg, you don't need to be talking to Backbush anymore. Oh, and I'll send a text to Possible Nipple Ring saying you're off the market.

other than the fine programs on Fox. Hey, Open up in there! Hey, What are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world! I'm here to keep you from making an error. A pilot error. Jeez, I probably shoulda worn mittenS!

I'm a cop first and a buddy second.

Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I'm putting out the presents. Not like that you're not. Tall in the back, short in the front. And show some care, for God's sake. You know, those aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department to some battered women's shelter. Those are Santa gifts, Brian. You know, you have to... What are you doing? Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantel?

But I really missed you guys. I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. So I came home. Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

MAN: Hey! Hey. Jeffrey, Peter Griffin has a mustache! No way! Way! Ohhh! I know! Oh, my God, Peter, look! McBurgertown is on fire! It's out of control! We need someone to man the other hose!

that's what it would look like. Walk inside with me, Brian. This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome! That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian.

You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer.

- Hootenanny! - Hoedown!

He's a family guy Peter, I need you to pick up the dry cleaning. Here's the ticket. It's the Chinese one over on Elm. All right. Well, I need my other white shirt back anyway.

(SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No. - Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No.

Peter, can we stop the stories for a minute? We need to figure out how we're gonna survive. I mean, is there even any food in here? Right, good thinking. Meg, go get us some sandwiches. Wait a minute, that's a great idea. If Meg can get through the vent, she can sneak out and go get help. Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck.

Is my eye big? Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress. All right, let's figure out what we know here. The gun was clearly meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way. So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods. What? What? What is that? What?

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out!

I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!

Yes, he's crying. Babies cry. PETER: After flying for what seemed like hours, we found ourselves approaching a strange island on the horizon.

See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material! What's this? Bedpan? Peter Pan. Next stop is Neverland. Come, Wendy, fly with me. (BEEPING) Hmm. I've never executed a diaper change before.

All right, class. We have a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin... from the North. Wow! What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits?

Please let your son get help. Well, I guess through the Lord's will, anything is possible. All right, Lois. Scotty can have his treatment. Oh, thank you! Thank you, and God bless you both! Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid!

- What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death!

Nice making your acquaintance, Chris. Oh, my God! I'm drowning! Ugh! And That was Merle Haggard, with I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist. Coming up next-- All right, Here's one. Let's jump that. Ooh! Yee...

Ahh! Whoa! Ugh! Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh!

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) How did he get in? (GROWLING) I let him in. What, was that not cool? Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home.

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Look, at least promise me you won't drink.

Oh, What brilliant parenting, Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I might asphyxiate myself, just to teach you a lesson. Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois, either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman.

Oh, Cleveland. I didn't recognize you without my girlfriend wrapped around your waist. She and I are both to a point of great soreness, so we took a break. Listen, I just want to clear any bad feelings you may have about me and Carolyn. (SIGHING) I guess it's okay. These are passing flings, nothing to get upset about.

You fondled me while I was asleep?

Yeah, looks like it's in pretty good shape. Can I pick it up? I wouldn't. Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here, and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right. Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good. Can we get some salami and... Brian, Brian, let me handle this.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God, Josh, this party is so amazing. Everything is perfect. We're having so much fun. Oh, thanks. I'm so glad you guys could make it. Come on. He saw us. Let's go. First time? Yeah. You?

Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just...

Nothing. Back to your turnips. Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta. Wow, Mom. You look pretty. Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance... my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model. Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too.

- Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Do you know anywhere else that would have crepes? I think Mandalay Bay has a cafe that's open 24 hours. Thanks. You think dressed like this, that would be a problem? It's Vegas. You're fine. I don't mean to seem forward, but what are you doing right now?

(LAUGHS) What? Yeah, I think that your father is gay.

Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed? Oh, I do hope so. I've always imagined the most beautiful... (GRUNTING) Damn it! (EXCLAIMS)

Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed!

I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already.

It sure was, Lois. Happy Valentine's Day. Hey, Lois, remember our wedding? Yeah, I sure do. Remember the dance? Of course I do, Peter. Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin?

Christobel, I've just scheduled your first exhibit! Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.

Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it. I threw it away.

Never mind that, let's just get going.

All right, I'm going to the store. Anybody need anything? Yeah, can you get me a chess set and a backwards hat? I got some inner-city school kids I gotta inspire tomorrow. Okay, Darius, point to the king.

Uh, I... We--We need to talk. Oh, my, I better leave you two alone.

Jets rule! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hey, Watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the T.V., and get me a few beers, huh?

Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

Uh, Hey, uh, Bonnie. Uh, Listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did, when he used to entertain terminally ill kids.

(GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God!

So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh? What do you mean? I mean crying and wetting yourself. You looked ridiculous. You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead.

I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles. I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question? Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

It was inexcusable, Peter.

so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it. This trip was impoceros! There we go.

Oh, wait, wait. BILF. Total BILF. Yeah, so, going pretty good. I got six pacifiers now. That was a big nothing.

All right. Hey, forgot about you guys. Well, I guess the date's over. Goodnight, Brooke. Thanks for a lovely evening.

Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

And--and it--It comes through, absolutely.

Whoa! This is trippy.

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream. Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you. They're gonna be sticking needles in you everywhere. You know, Peter, you were right, this is actually kind of a rush. I mean, look at us, we're like Thelma and Louise. Yeah, but we all know that didn't end well for them.

A new study confirms that, no, they cannot. Citizens of Ouahog, we have a problem! You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair! Settle down, Jeffrey! Justin. Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before. And they can be stopped!

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair.

PETER: Oh, wow! Oh, my God! Oh, this is amazing! You dirty girl. Peter, I haven't left yet.

Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl. Oh, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know? They haven't turned into bitches yet.

Quack, quack. Oh! My little ducky. You look so adorable. Oh, no, no. You see these holes? I got bit by a vampire. I'm a vampire duck.

Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party. (ALAN LAUGHS) Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude. Nice to meet you all.

Well, sounds like we need another loan shark. Don't worry, Joe, we're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money. (KIDS CHATTERING) Wow, Peter, I gotta say, this lemonade stand was a really good idea. It's selling really well. That's because it has my secret ingredient in it. Vodka!

Oh, and here's your heartworm pill wrapped in baloney. Stewie, the point of the baloney is that I don't know the pill is there.

But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.

It's exactly what it looks like.

Well, here we go. You know, buddy, I'm really gonna miss having a dog. Hey, what do you say you be my dog one last time, huh? Sure, Peter. Whatever you want. Hey, hey, whassat? Whassat, boy? Whassat?

Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that.

Ha! I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is. I'm a 2nd-class citizen, Lois. Brian, Great news! The City Council agreed to hear your case! You're kidding! If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all. I don't know how to thank you. We're family. This is what we do for each other. Right, Peter?

I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words. This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas. Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris

Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

As it yields to the sound of your heart beating Bum, bum, bum All right, Peter, who's it going to be? Who do you want to sleep with? Who we kidding, Lois? This is never going to work. Let's just forget the whole thing.

Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house. Ah! A ghost! Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok. We got away just in time. We got away just in time.

Items! Nice, huh? Ah? Yeah, You like this? Oh, my God. Stop it, Peter. You're embarrassin' me. Look, I know you're upset, but-- Oh, My God. Where's Stewie? He's around.

Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now,

Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

"As I recall, it was every potential man for himself.

will he even be able to get a job or take care of himself? And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

(CROWD APPLAUDING) Oh, God, they put so much work into theirs!

We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too. CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready. You in or out?

but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!"

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Get some, Peter! Nice job on that ramp, Joe. If there's one thing I know, it's ramps. Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken!

Oh, boy, we got a problem here. All right, on the count of three. One, two, three! Thanks, guys. (HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY)

(KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Of course. Down the hall to the right. It's the door marked... (SPEAKING GERMAN)

We are gonna figure out a way to induce labor and make Bonnie have that baby.

I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff. Brian.

Quick, Brian, into the time machine!

Yeah, that's right. You buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened? Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god. Off to another day of jury duty, sweetie? Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order. (LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)

I call the white meat! I call the dark meat! I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No!

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing?

"And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now."

Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

who would it be? That's easy. John Forsythe. Yeah, John Forsythe. John Forsythe, absolutely. That's so funny. I would also say John Forsythe. I was just curious. Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is just so... Uh-oh. Oh, God, I am so sorry. It's too late, the damage is done.

Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow

Boy, WIll I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. HEy, Lois, what's with the sign? Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board. You never listen to me. Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Lois, what's with the sign? Uh, You guys? Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble.

I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'? Hey, Peter. in case you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"! Aw, Forget the party. The world's gonna end!

(DINGS) I got it. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch.

Give me one! I want to look adult. Hey, watch this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Yeah? Watch this.

Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case. Oh, it's all right, Peter, I know it's tough for you to work with your hand injury. Hey, you know, with you sitting there, it's kind of like you're my secretary. Well, let's not get carried away, Peter. Now please, I'm trying to finish your work.

Well, Now we have a real problem to deal with. That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax. Joe? And we have to get Stewie back! I remembered. WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it!

It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy

Oh, Meg, all your suicide threats over the years, and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us. Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit.

And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.

Ugh! What do you want? Financial advice. Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello! Max Weinstein?

Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this? I built it myself with supplies I got at the Home Supply downtown. Between you and me, I think Joe's got a little free time these days. I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months. Peter, you just whispered that to me. Shh. Here he is. Joe, what a great job you've done here. All right, let's get this started.

All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game... in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty.

Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint? Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one.

I should be on Glee! Oh, my God. I just drove. (SQUEALS) That was amazing. I can drive! Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment. 11:45 and the lights are on.

I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest.

Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up, but am I the only one getting a boner right now? Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn? People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage." - Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there. ANNOUNCER ON TV: ...your shows will appear on "My Playlist."

"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!" Whoa! Aah!

Oh, Dad, I think this is Mr. Quagmire's driveway. Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees? Well, there's a lot of trees around here. How do we know we're in the right spot? PETER: I think it's a safe bet this is the place. Well, this looks comfortable.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? (SLURRING) Hey, what are you... What are you doing? Quagmire, I'm sleeping. Yeah, I was just out with Joe. What are you doing? I just told you. That's right.

I'll show you inky!

Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure. Can I have it, even though it's dinnertime? Sure, Chris. "Drink Ensure as a meal, or in-between meals. "Or when you're on the go!" Is Mort still in the bathroom? I'll go see if he's all right.

Peter, I'm waiting. I'm comin'. You came unarmed?

My God, Joe is running us ragged. Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper. A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that...

QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead!

Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational!

MADAME CLAUDE: With Griffin Peterson exiled to the New World and Lady Redbush believing he was dead, King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows.

There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat. Hi, I'm Amanda. I'm Chris. You look nice, so I'll blow my burps the other way.

"Hope that isn't pee"

This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin.

Hey, don't ask me, man. I'm just a desk jockey who was on my way home when you rang. The way you drove that car, I figured you for the street, Al. AL: In my youth. In my youth... Okay, here it comes. Watch. Watch. MAN: We've had situations where the hostages have embraced their captors after their release and even corresponded with them in prison.

You know, and one of them little rat-hunting dogs? And then he comes back out with it in his mouth and he goes... (SNARLING) And, you know, you can't get it away from him, 'cause, you know, it's his thing. No. Mr. Griffin, it's a very simple, safe procedure in which we very precisely and delicately remove the embryo. We do it all the time, and I promise it's virtually risk-free.

The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat deadbeat loser. Fat deadbeat loser? Well, Sir, While I may not agree with what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it. There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. The port is quite good. Yes, quite good.

I'm telling you, Peter, you're wasting your time. She's never taking me back. Well, you'll never know until you try. Hey, I brought this sack of garbage from my home. Where do I put this, just anywhere? Yeah, anywhere. Yay, people! All right, here she comes.

so, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested. Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women.

Right. And it says they'll pay handsomely. This is perfect. Now I won't have to take that job as Matt Damon's neck. Hey, Matt. Matt. Hey, is this another one of those movies where you're an educated Boston street tough? I don't have to take that crap from you, neck. You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me?

This was such a great idea for a weekend activity. Well, I thought it'd be good to get out of the house. I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard. Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.

You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible!

Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good. Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely.

What? Hi. (GIGGLING) Is it not true that you went to see Dr. Hartman for a simple prostate exam?

You're not doing anything! In fact, You're never going to see Sea Breeze again! All of you, pack your things and get out!

(IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler, I wouldn't be afeared. Oh, Peter, that's good. I know, Lois. Hey, guys, has anybody seen James? Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this. Who want little tiny tacos? Oh, little taco. I'll have one of those.

Mrs. Griffin, I've got good news. Your test results came back negative.

He gave me DVDs. The production values were amazing, much better than Kramer vs. Predator. You want him back? You can't just disappear for three months and then suddenly decide... you want him back! You can't have him!

Greggy! Fitzy! T-Bone! Gaggaboo! Nazi guy!

Please, don't kill me. I'm not married. My life is awesome. I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

Damn! Laura! Laura! Laura!

Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you.

You're my dad! Think of something! (BEEPING) Quagmire, fire up the biplane. My son needs my help.

No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

All right, fellas. I think we did it. This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death in the history of fake deaths. What do you guys want? Joan, um, you mind if we come in? There's, um... There's been an accident.

(SIGHS) For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me? Wait a minute. This isn't Carvel, you lying bitch. All right, that's enough. Visiting time is over. You know you guys are gonna do time for this. Come on, Joe. You're really gonna put us away? You think I want to do this? You know how hard it's gonna be for me to make new friends?

Oh! They give each other a hard time, but they're friends. Is that a real show? No, it's just... No. Somebody's making a joke. Forget it.

Oh, that one? Oh, no. I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace. Too dirty. Maybe after quitting time, I'll have a mimosa and tell y'all then. Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from.

I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg.

I can mash potato i can mash potato

See, you wouldn't know that because you're white as a ghost. You're haunting this house with your whiteness, Brian. - Hey, wake me up in 15, will you, babe? - Fine. (KOKOMO PLAYING)

We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money. Fine, if you feel that strongly, then by all means run. But I'm warning you, I'm not gonna pull any punches on the issues. Ooh, I'm Lois.

Which is why I'm proposing a very modest tax increase that will help us to... (ALL BOOING) No, no, no. That's awful. No, no, no. I'm not okay with that. No new taxes. ALL: No new taxes! No new taxes! No new taxes! But what about the terrorists?

You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS Yes, you have AIDS Not H.I.V., but full-blown AIDS

I love looking at stars. Say no more. Peter, wait. I-- "Very interesting. "But stupid." Oh, My God! I love Arte Johnson! ThEn Why don't you give him a kiss? No, Peter, get away from mE. Come on. Stop iT.

Hey! Peter, what the-- It's the vibration. Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? Yeah, That's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. Some brother just fell in the ocean.

Punky, you have a dog named Brandon.

I'll give you this gas card.

Oh. Well, my goodness, I hope there's room for both of us. I'll just have to squeeze in here. Well, good night, Karina.

but only a Griffin has thiS.

Oh, come on. Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Oh, God, this is ridiculous. Oh, boy. He's out cold. Hey, let's write on him.

(SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it! You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off! Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

I mean, she's a man. Ew! We need more "E's" and "W's" down here now! MAN: We're trying! We're running out of letters! Just turn the "M's" upside down and send them down here! MAN: You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can... I don't care! I'll take the heat! Just turn them over and send them down!

I wanted to tell you that Opie will not be receiving Employee of the Month, because he's being promoted. Oh, yes! That means I'm Employee of the Month. No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere?

When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever. Hey, Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert, too! Oh! Oh, Glenn, I love all your sex jokes and your dirty puns. That's why I married you. Let's go upstairs and do it. Okay!

Dad, where are the jockeys? They're all in the laundry, son. I'm going Indian today.

Oh, this is all so fascinating. You must have so many stories. Well, look, if you want to grab a drink with me later tonight, I'd be happy to tell you some. Oh, my God, I would love to. Look at me, huh? Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity. Well, I think you're exaggerating.

(LAUGHING) Attention, student body.

They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox Hoping you could be coerced I can think of quite another place

What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis! Okay, you two have fun on your date. What? Drive carefully. We'll see you later.

Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up! How do we get up there? Dad put grease on the pole. Don't worry, Meg. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You simply have to counter-balance the weight at the point where the lever pivots.

All right, I'll pull some strings on one condition.

Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity.

And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?

Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus! Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I do say that. Oh, The Old Man and the Sea. I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise. Yeah. Stupid fisherman. Sitting out there in a boat yammering to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him.

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two.

Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

Peter, I don't think it's working. People are still going into the store. Well, fine, then I guess I gotta go in there and drag them out one by one. All right, who the hell is in charge... (EXCLAIMS) What is that I'm feeling? That's our industrial-sized air conditioner.

And I want to see what I got.

as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally. (BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe. All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us. I'm going to show you that age is just a state of mind. Come on, hop in my limo.

Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.

I hope you like it. Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin.

He'd spend hours in the backyard playing Wonder Woman. He's gonna kill me. He l-loved that lasso. He--he rea-- Not as much as the baton. But, uh, we--we put a--a stop to the baton. He--he was, He was different enough, y'know. we just gotta get to that Twinkee factory,

Um, uh, well... Daddy, now that I've finally passed my driver's test can I still get a convertible? No. But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart. And I'm proud of you, Peter.

You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back? Yeah. Well, that was one of the girls their dad didn't get back. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) What kind of joint is this? Where's the cigarette girl? Yeah, they don't have those anymore. Peter, I don't know about this.

(LAUGHING) E! That's loud. I get why that's factual. I don't see why it's funny. Hey, hey! What the hell, man? Drink beer much? (LAUGHS) I just learned that "much" thing from the telly.

(SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

HEy, Where's your mother? Over there. I didn't know you knew how to play poker. Yeah. How you doing? Yeah. That's good, honey. Let's go. Yeah. It's funny. I never knew video poker could be so much fun.

It's like she's fucking five.

Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone. Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway! Peter, You can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game. There's nothing these Kids learn in school they can't learn on the street. It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?

Yeah, look at all this luxury. It's like being in a gay guy's dream. Enjoying the view? It's glorious, Edwin. Would you like another salad bowl of chocolate-covered oysters? Is that gay enough? And then some. This has been the gayest vacation I've ever had. I love smelling me on your breath.

Oh, my God! Is she dead? No, I think she's still alive-- No, that did it.

That's it, Griffin. Keep breathing. I'm almost there. Oh! Your breath is filling me up. Your breath and this squash racquet. (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) I like kangaroos. Oh, sure you do.

Ah, it's so hot just knowing you're in a truck.

Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? No, Dad. He's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snakepit. That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT)

You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING) Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.

Now let's get down the chimney. Ow! Bitch! Okay, let's get the presents under the tree. All right, you have 'em? I thought you had them. For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh! Crap. On the roof?

Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety. What are you talking about? Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. Heard what? Brian, don't!

Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty! Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man. Old man? What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard? (GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too! Now, you come home and start acting your age! No, Peter. I don't want to act my age, and you don't want that either.

Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.

"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back."

My God, it's you, isn't it? It's you and Penelope who've been doing all these horrible things! So? I've always been about world domination. What the hell did you think I was talking about when I said, "Victory shall be mine"? You have not said that in a very long time. Well, I'm back on it.

(BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent! What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning.

- Can I call you Tom, too? - Well, of course. Mr. Brady, would you please sign my Trapper Keeper? Oh, Tom, your shirt. I'm so sorry. - Look, you can use our shower if you want. - No, it's okay. It's just a little spot. It'll come out. Well, that's not gonna come out. You better take a shower.

Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters. Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry. She's dead, chief. Ho-ho! Dead. The Grateful Dead. Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho!

Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig. How the hell did you do this?

it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond, as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after. Diane?

But I was only having a child because you and the mister...

And I you. Let's grow old into our 30s together. I want to have a baby with you. And I want to be there when you die giving birth to it.

Boy, Benson was a funny show. I'II talk to you later. Well, what did he say?

That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it. You saved my life. And for that, I shall be forever grateful. Hey, I couldn't imagine life without you, buddy.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God, Joyce, you've got so many great stories. Oh, come on, I'm sure you've done some crazy stuff in your time. Well... Oh, what is it? No, no, I can't. Lois, I feel like we're really bonding here tonight.

One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me....

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

Is anybody up here?

How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode. Okay, Quagmire, I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop because that first bite is the one that really hurts. Well, okay. (GRUNTS) Ah!

And when you spurned my advances, it was a wake-up call. No one's ever gonna love me again. Wait a minute. So that's why you been acting like such a wacky ass around me? It's been so long since I've been with a man, I don't even remember what it feels like. I always imagined it felt very painful. You just sort of grit your teeth and let us do what we want.

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Yee, would your people really do this?

Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met. Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars.

I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.

No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? (ALL GASP) Oh, about the... (STUTTERING) The... The pie!

A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask. No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore. I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2. I--I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine!

(WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl.

Bye, you guys. Have fun at school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Peter, stop pouting. All you got to do is finish third grade and you'll get that promotion. (GROANING) This is gonna be a bigger pain in the ass than getting into a last clap contest with Cleveland.

then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball!

Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian. Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan.

What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle. They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party. (HUMMING)

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

Was it because I didn't sniff your butt first? What? No. I mean, yes. That's how I would know you were interested. But, Meg, the fact is you and I are friends and that's the way it needs to stay.

See, they've got a flap that opens up in the back. Are you telling me I could be pooping and warm? Exactly. No longer would I have to make a choice between the two. Sir, here is a check with my name on it. Write down any number on this piece of paper, and I will pay it.

Oh, I have a feeling he already knows.

Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa. (KID SCREAMING) Future old people are wizards. (SLURRING) Okay, so here's the game. I'm... I'm drunk and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids.

Can't live without T.V. Must see T.V.

I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula.

I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul!

He hides it well. He wishes. "Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end. Hmm. I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

Uh-oh. Hey, You're that black guy I saw on the news conference, ain't you? uh, Yeah, that's me. This is Car 15. I'm gonna need backup. I got a stolen vehicle here. But this is my car. Suspect's getting belligerent. - What? - Officer down.

(SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) I got glass in my face. Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. (DINGS) I got it. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch.

I could really use a cup about now oh, It's not very fresh, you see, I meant to make more but I made the mistake of getting caught up watching Oprah, she had on James Garner

And in here, we're test-marketing a new mascot, Meaty, the Quick to Anger Clown. Hey, kids! Who likes McBurgertown burgers? I do! There was more to my question! (CRYING) We're still ironing that one out. Hey, what's in there? Oh, I'm sorry. That's off-limits.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Down's Syndrome girl! BRIAN: What the hell? Lois, did you put this muzzle on me while I was sleeping? Yeah, sorry, Brian. My psychic warned me you were gonna bite somebody,

JEROME: It ain't bank property no more.

I don't know, fly casual! (WHISTLING) Does that casual-looking shuttle have a code clearance? Well, it's an older code, sir. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) But it checks out. Wait a minute.

You're never gonna find the black market! Oh, that's what You said about that back-alley abortionist. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy. Ok, there she is. That is, That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight.

Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy! Don't worry, Chris. I'll handle the bear. Say hello to Satan for me! ahhh! It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin. I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's gonna have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin.

No, no, no. This won't do, Paul. You can't just have Snuggly Jeff magically brought back to life by a child's wish. It's insulting to the reader. What do you mean? Well, it's just bad storytelling. Let's see. How can I explain this to you? Did you ever see the movie Contact? Yeah.

"Find your own beach house, crabby. "Put that in your office and frame it." The last one's kind of lame. Did you get down to the one at the bottom there? Which one? "On your mark, get set, terrible." No, this one here. "If you've got a problem, take it up with my butt. "He's the only one that gives a crap." - Oh, my God! That's it. - Yeah. That's the one. I thought you'd like... You are...

Hello, ladies. I'm Miss Watson, director of the retreat. I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin, who's here to get in touch with his feminine side. This world would be a far better place if there were more men like him. Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels.

Oh, you look beautiful, and he's a handsome fellow, ain't he? PETER: Well, I am ready for my evening. Oh, my God! Peter, what the hell? Peter, what are you doing?

Ready! Blue 20, blue 20! Hut, hut! Griffin, let go! Let's go?

Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually... It's kind of a funny story.

Remember that, or I'll ruin you. Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it!

Peter, that's someone's pet. You can't just take it. Well, maybe they'd never know it's gone. Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper.

Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go.

Say, Michael, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Stay away from my daughter, you possible rapist! Dad, stop it! Michael's my date! Meg, I almost lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again! This guy may look harmless on the outside, but on the inside he could be a complete bastard,

Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beatin' her, and then he's gonna beat the kid, too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fecalman. You know, I was thinking... Wait, what? What? That's his name? - Yeah. - Huh-larious.

Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck!

- Joanie? - Yeah? I don't have herpes. I just needed to know that you'd stay. You say

Bond? James Bond.

Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

Welcome, Quahog, to the town hall mayoral debate between incumbent Adam West and challenger Lois Griffin. We will now open up the floor to questions from a community at large.

Hello, is this the-- Ugh. Ahhh! Ahhh! Oh, Sorry. I thought you were the District Attorney. No. I-i-I'm Peter Griffin. Uh, You're here about your pool. Step into my office.

I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? Peter, you're, uh-- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories. But First I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things, and-- Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me. Oh, my God. Dad's a chick.

Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. Commandment Number 2: There's nothing I can do about the sun. Commandment Number 3: There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. Commandment Number 4: When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right? Now, come on, let's get going.

I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man.

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

I moved my abortion for this. Um, hey, thanks for taking me out to dinner, Ryan, but I got to say, this food looks a little weird. Oh, Peter, Moroccan food is the jizz.

Listen, I'll see you later, okay? I've got to go sit in a circle with the other women and stare off into the fields. All right, you got a date. Yeah, I just hope it goes better than my last one. Wow, Joseph, that was great. Yeah, I got to say I'm a little disappointed. When you said I could do you in your mudhut, I thought you meant something else.

Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit.

I don't want to see the light. Aw, Come on, Joe. Cheer up, huh? hey, What do you say you and me go roller skate-- Bike ride-- Jump rope-- Go lay on the grass? Peter, the other day was the first time I've ever lost a perp. It was also the first time I've ever really felt handicapped.

Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis? Peter, would you stop being so jealous? I dated Ross 20 years ago.

If you ever want to get anywhere with this girl, you gotta ditch that negative attitude.

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn. What, You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner.

What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me! Ugh! Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Holy crap! Oh, My God!

- Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time. - You people knocked me off the modem. - When are you coming home? How's the food in South America?

Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

We've got 24 hours before those terrorists set off that new type of bomb that makes an invisible explosion. What are we gonna do? Let's get back to headquarters. Should we take the helicopter? No, let's... Let's walk, it's a nice day.

Good morning, this is Principal Sloan. Mr. Griffin, you be been reassigned. Please report to Rem edial English. Reassigned? Can I at least come down to your office and talk to you about this? No. I'm afraid I'm far too busy today. Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower.

Why didn't you say anything? Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to... Wait... You didn't want to move in with me? Well, honestly, no. Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian!

I'm Mrs. Griffin, your new Sex Ed teacher. Now, you've probably heard all those rumors that condoms make sex less pleasurable. While that is a fact, they also make sex safer. Sorry I'm late, Lois. Peter, what are you doing here? Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities.

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car. - (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself

Ready to join the mile high club? What? All right. Let's get those reindeer hooked up and get out of here. Okay. The elves are bringing them now. (BARKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings

You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke. No, I didn't. And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk? Just stay away from my booze! It wasn't me, Brian. Well, if it wasn't you, who was it? I mean, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around here lately. Just yesterday, somebody gave Peter a "hot-butt."

Oh, Look. Here they are. My family. you know, Guys, I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. High 5! Anyone? Anyone? You can't die! Who's gonna take me to the Father-Son dance? Listen, I've had a good life.

Mamma mia! What is this?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Detarded.

It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!

Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class. Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you, it wasn't at home. Was it, Chris? No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me. Oh, I should have figured.

Our apologies, sir. I should imagine so. Now if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct. (CREAKING) Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose. If I should die, I just want you to know that they might find some things.

(SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke.

and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to!

Brian, AA is the only way out for these people. Millions are saved every year by the program. Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA. Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion. I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to.

Oh, look, it's one of those early Maude episodes with the really long opening credit sequence. Lady Godiva was a freedom rider She didn't care if the whole world looked Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her

You're not my real mom!

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to...

Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk. Boy, you are good. You are really good.

(GROANING) Why do you keep these things together?

Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. Look, dinner's just about ready. Why don't I get you seated in the dining room and then we'll pour the wine?

Stewie! Change it back! Forget it. Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pabulum for children with not enough to do. Hey! Shut up!

Dad? Mom? Is anyone there? Little man? You in here?

Carter, as your boss, I'm ordering you to pay a compliment to this sharply-dressed Asian man. You look very nice.

Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who? Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus!

and probably overweight viewers. That's right, Diane. It appears Ronald Lockhart... has been brutally murdered by his wife, Lana, and a local bear. Well, I'll be damned. Chris, I guess we owe you an apology. That's okay. I just wonder what happened to Ms. Lockhart and that bear. The whereabouts of these suspects are currently unknown.

NIKKI: 24! No, that's it. We're done. Anyone watching, do not count 24. NIKKI: Pancakes! Okay, I don't know what she's doing now. Somebody turn the machine off. Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. All right, you did good. Going to take her to Walt's Roast Beef. All right, kids, we got 200,000 lottery tickets we got to check.

Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. Peter, you're still you.

I can't help it There's nothing I want more You know it's true Everything I do I do it for you Oh, yeah

Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

It's time for Kirk Cameron. And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God. Again, Meg? You know, I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in, but there's such a thing as moderation. Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever. Brian, you're a thoughtful person. Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth?

But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard. Ahh!

Yeah? Well, The deal's off. Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car! Brian, come! Don't you walk out on me! Hey! Uh, heh. I now command you to leave. Keep going. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this. I want to help you, Peter, I really do, but it's like you're asking a fish not to swim. She's legal and I'm going in. Well, we'll see about that. I ain't afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus. I'm Spartacus. I'm Spartacus. That guy's Spartacus.

What? Oh--oh, sorry, His "biatch." Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money. I shared mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community. What? That's not true. I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter.

Yes. Me, too. Hold me. if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away. But Wait a minute. I thought guns were bad. False! Guns are good. in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?

(GRUMBLING) Cream of Wheat. (MUMBLING) Jeopardy! (MUMBLING) Butterscotch pudding.

What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it. He bit me! Mr. Griffin, although I may not fully understand Opie's management style... he has proven himself a more competent employee than you. So, in my absence, you will listen to him.

We're undercover U.S. agents in a hostile foreign territory. We just got to make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out. Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God!

Man, getting rid of the government has been the best thing to happen around here in a long time. That's right. Without government, I'm free to take a lot of mescaline and drive to Vegas. Wait till you see Debbie Reynolds on stage. Yeah, and now my Spanish teacher and I can finally hold hands in the halls.

No, I can't swing you across.

(ALL SINGING) A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed It's the only help that you'll ever need Because everything is better with a bag o' weed! There you go. You're all getting it now. (ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer They rent The Rocketeer

Meg in low-riders. Enough of that. Go away, damn you.

This family needs Brian. I need him. God, I hate this freaking cat.

(ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil! Neil is such a perfect name for a gay guy.

(GROANS) I'll do better. So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button!

and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us. If you ever... I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.

Hey, Stewie, here's five bucks. Get naked.

And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow.

Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working. Great. You can teach me how to drive.

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this.

other than the fine programs on Fox.

Damn you all! Hello? Oh, my God! Lois, am I glad to see you. I have nothing to say to you, Peter. I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me,

I'm afraid I'm no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy. And I know this! Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS)

Hi, can I help you? I want... I want that one.

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away!

Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING)

That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look. Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your...

I got pegged by a new form of spitball. (MOOING) (PANTING) BOY: Hey, get up, you faker. It's just a spitball.

I got to go down to the courthouse right now and file for divorce. This thing ends now. Hang on, Quagmire. I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not? Loretta, I came over here wanting to believe that there was still a chance for us.

Thanks. Now I don't know what to say. Hey, I got, like, an insider Hollywood question for you. Is "L.A." short for something? Ha! You're a riot. Hey, hey, so what's all this about, everyone in Quahog likes to tickle fight? What is that? What? I never heard that. Yeah, apparently, it's like a thing. - It is? - Yeah.

Nice to meet you all. (CHUCKLES) You sound like the crab from Little Mermaid. I had crabs once. It's awful.

I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin. I have no idea what got into my son. Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine. Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here.

Come on, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie.

Yes, there you go. He's moving it forward. He's moving it forward. See, Peter? Now tap Peter. Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet.

(WIND HOWLING) Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours.

- What? - Just do this for me! Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad? Well, Dad, I was trying to find my own religion, but it didn't work out. I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh-oh.

RAOUL: Hey, Lois, get back inside! This coke isn't gonna snort itself! (ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC PLAYING) Great party, Raoul. I feel like I'm horking all your cocaine. Hey, that's okay, Lois. You can just buy the next bag, eh? Right, other guy?

So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get.

Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... I'm telling you how it's done. They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen.

f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME)

Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

(TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart!

Oh. You look different without my lawn under you. I don't take the lawn with me when I go.

it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please. We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth. And I've got a pretty good idea who you've been selling it to as well. Oh, hey, uh, Beaker, when you're done talking to your friend, I want to, uh... (GRUNTS) I want to talk to you about that thing.

I say, Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services! Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot. Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly! Check this out, you guys.

So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line.

- There's something out there. - Where? Out there, in the cave! (LAUGHS) Crazy women, always hearing things. There's something out there. Let's go check it out. What's all this slime on the floor? Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman?

Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here. Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age, and neither do I. Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh." Are you sure? I thInk--think I did. All right. Well, just to be safe, oh!

OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says...

Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya It chews so soft, it gets right to ya

Peter, what are you doing?

ah, Isn't this exciting? Hey, Anyone got a light? Thanks. Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists.

- Oh, look at you. You're all better. - That's right, Brian. And you are toast. I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah

Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA! All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history,

I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better.

Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift. Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!

Thank you for all your help. My pleasure, Peter. - Any time. - Oh, fantastic. Hey, do you still do stand-up? I do. I'm still touring. Oh, wow, can we get tickets? Absolutely. I'm in Atlanta next week. Great. Oh, well, this will be fun.

(CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick.

Yeah, you're right. Ok, I got the top bunk.

Lois, it's over. All right? I'm not going.

Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then.

That's the number, Brian. Just dial 0 and read it to Sarah.

Last time I checked, that's not that new.

Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.

Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman. "We just want the money." We should've known this weather was coming. There's been three days of thunder. Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets. What are we gonna do? We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house! All right, does anyone have a cell phone? I'm not getting any reception!

For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant. "I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes. "A man cannot steal, but it accuseth him "A man cannot swear, but it checks him "A man cannot lie with his neighbor's..." Hey, Peter, what you got there? Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do something fancy with my falcon. Oh, falcon. Cool. Hi, falcon.

Oh, thank God. It's negative. Ooh. Dodged a bullet there, right? Although, I got to tell you, I was kind of getting used to the idea of having a little brother or sister.

Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit! Mom's gonna get whacked? What did you do? Oh, dear, there are so many people to thank. God, of course, and who else?

You deserve a gentleman. Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay. It's just my penis.

Peter! Honey, what happened? Well, It was lunchtime and... I love the color of your Prada bag. Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? Oh, You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse.

right here in Quahog. Oh, my God! I didn't see that. Give me! Good Lord, you're right! An American Jolly Farm! Oh, there's no picture. I like the stories that have pictures. Ooh! Like this one, "Seven Dead in Mumbai." I like their hats.

Lois, his answers are out on the open road. I say we give him a hobo pack on the end of a stick, a can of beans, and a pocket full of dreams. Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about? Gordon?

All right, hold-hold on a sec. - I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter! Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go. Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin. But you came through it beautifully. Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. I love you no matter what size you are.

Peter, there's a guy standing out in the yard. Oh, yeah, that's Larry. Part of being a farmer is having a best friend named Larry who I spend huge amounts of time with, but never actually talk to. Ooh, you make me live now honey

it makes my heart burst. It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?

How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car!

Wow, that's wacky! There, now. That wasn't so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all? Yeah, a little. Ugh, I couldn't sleep a wink. My pillow smelled like farts. But that's all right, because we're in England. uh-oh!

Yes, she's 2 weeks younger than you. Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt! Damn! Not even a second glance! This is what you call "dolled up"? Listen, why don't you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens and a plaid flannel shirt?

Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

She's right, Lois. Plastic surgery is great! I--I was thinking about having Broderick take a look at my nose. It doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy, or--or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby. You are who you are. Ha. I think I know what you're getting at.

Ooh, That's too bad. Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. They're coming over later and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong. Oh, man! And his arms stretch out to next week! Your Honor, Peter Griffin would like to take the stand.

And? It's gonna be five grand to fix it. Oh, that's just perfect. I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see. Anyone got more happy news? I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget.

But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me. And I had to sleep with my mother for a week. I am quite finished. Peter, if you want to ride that roller coaster, you're going to have to go on a diet. A diet, huh? All right, well, how's that work? Well, I suppose you can start by keeping a food journal, like Quagmire does. Yeah, in fact, I got it right here.

Mickey McFinnegan, I challenge you to a drinking contest. (ALL GASPING) And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? Because I'm your son and I'm tough. I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious?

(ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy!

(HORN HONKING) Load the cannon.

All right, what this is has no name, so you can't have it.

Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe. Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok! Are you happy?

At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl

So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car.

Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to screw. Where you sitting? Look across at the other balcony, I can see you. Oh, my God! What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? We're both here. Oh, my God, we should text each other. Hang up! Hang up! (VIBRATES) (LAUGHING)

Is he gonna die? No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success.

Joe, I think you're cool. Well, thank you, Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work. "No, just kidding, you suck." No, just kidding, you suck. STEWIE: "Queer." Queer. (SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

What the devil do you think happened to Bobby, when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch? Oliver, did you break this vase? No. The floor did. He's so cute. Hey, everybody. I-- Bobby, you get back in the garage! Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow! It can't happen!

(LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING) Lois, I just saw Jessica Alba on television.

Thank you, Peter. Go ahead. Try it on. Didn't you see The Godfather? A don can't refuse a favor on the day of his daughter's wedding. So? So we can ask him for a favor. So? So we ask him to call off the hit. So? So...

What the hell is this? For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie!

You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd? No, no! Good Lord, this is not 2005. We've come a long way since then. Okay, what? So you go stabbing in there with a laser and you try to zap it out, like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? No, Mr. Griffin. Well, so what, you, like, hold her legs open and, like, send a Pit Bull in there?

Jeez, Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.

This is insanity!

I don't know, but he left his insignia.

Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages! mm-hmm.

This isn't bad. It's not that good. But it's not that bad. It's so-so.

I'd motorboat the hell out of it. Right after this layback spin. Bottle of Jack Daniel's, please. Here you go. Thanks. What's this? That's your gun. Buy some liquor, get a free gun. Is that, like, a special you have on now or something?

a picture of Meg in a 2-piece swimsuit. Oh! God! I pray this is not my first memory! Look, everybody cool it! I am not gonna put up with this racket For 2 weeks.

The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode.

Peter, give me a boost. (PETER GRUNTS)

Hold out your hands. Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois.

All right, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me, and right now it's telling me I have... (MAN READING) But I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got...

Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous. Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go.

(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know. Gee, I hope I didn't scare the cows. I don't want to put them in a bad mood. (CRICKET CHIRPING) (SOBBING)

Stand aside, I got to get my girl back. Go, get her, Brian. (SIGHING)

Anyway, what are you suggesting? We can follow him, see if he's really Carter. Okay, but I got to be home by 7:00. I'm supposed to talk to the police about that shooting I witnessed. Good Lord, are you all right? If I die, leave two dollars' worth of flowers right here.

CARTER: "Oh, there it is! Give us some of that!" (PETER LAUGHING) PETER: "Perhaps later. "Now, let's go to France and steal all their objects de art." CARTER: (EXCLAIMS) "All right! Let's go to France." Not bad, eh? Damn it! That was Fox News. Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness and they won't have him slandered.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams. Oh, man, Robin Williams is my favorite. He must be getting recognized for all his contributions to show business. I don't think that's what a roast is. Robin, as a comic, it's an honor to be up here roasting you. As a moviegoer, I want to punch you in the face. (TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, that's funny. Advocate violence.

and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Hey, Meg. they got a Happy Days spoof in here... but they call it Crappy Days. All right, you know what? If you're not gonna laugh, then I'm not gonna keep you company. This sucks. Now the only thing anybody's gonna remember me for after I die... is being that blind guy.

we now go to this totally boss fireworks show. (BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC)

Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. Yeah, buddy. Great job stopping those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11.

(CACKLING) You lose! Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there. Not the best way to spend a Thursday night, huh?

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby. This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine.

What did you do to my daughter?

Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive? I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great.

Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh! Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something!

An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman?

97.1. I think I may have made a mistake. No, no, no, no, this is it. You're in the right place. Listen, why don't you stick around and talk for a while. My listeners would love to hear about your new book. STEWIE: $100, boob job! I'm gonna go. Oh, my God, what have I done?

It was left to us by Leonardo da Vinci himself, with instructions that it be delivered to you on this exact date at this exact time.

I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog. Hey, listen, sister, I just... (FARTING) I'm sorry. Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking.

Hit me. Peter, don't. - Hit me. - 21. - Hit me. - Peter! - Hit me. - That's 30. Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car. Don't worry. I'll think of a way to fix it. No. We'll think of a way to fix it! I'm tired of being left out of all our decision-making. Ok, honey.

Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes.

Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it. This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face.

You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. figure out what he likes, and study up on it. Hey, That's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm gonna start right now. Cratchit, you're working through Christmas! But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

Meg, your services will no longer be needed. (SIGHS) Still nothing. I don't understand. The lights are on. Somebody must be home. (GASPS) Get down!

MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation. Ellen, there 's moisture on the outside of m y glass.

I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island.

Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime. Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night.

Do you know what the big bang theory is?

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

I was in the audience. (BOTH SHOUTING)

like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very-- What? Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding. Your father is, uh... Oh, dear. How can I say this without upsetting you? Your dad is a pig!

Lois? Other families fight, too, right? Not this much. Do you think maybe we should think about getting a... It is what it is. Let's just get Stewie to college and go from there.

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming.

Oh, You're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm. You really think that, don't you? I know it. Ok, We've got 3 days until Peter and Lois get back from their K.I.S.S. concerts. Let's go to Jolly Farm. Yeah, now you're talking! You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them!

Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat! Aw, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat.

There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school!

- Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films?

You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud. So I was thinking we could...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor.

Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here!

Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be? Ahh!

(SINGING ELVIRA) Wow! I feel so socially accepted.

and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" and he left that very night, and all you cared about was ice cream on the way home. And Mother said you didn't appreciate anything! BRIAN: Karina! (AS KARINA) Coming! Hello, Julie! So nice to see you! Please!

Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again. Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?

Do I at least call him Jon? No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys? How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things? Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off."

Go away! You! I am taking your brain.

His little habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand.

oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night? Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. Oh, man, As soon as We got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. - Shut the smurf up! - Yeah! Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it.

Well, if you do, could you please contact me? I'm just worried sick. Of course, Mrs. Griffin. I will let you know immediately. Dad, I want to go home. All right, let's try and figure a way out of here. Look around. See if you can find something to break the door down with. (GASPS) Dad, there's a window here!

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked.

And a hat that has a giant plume And if someday you're feeling rather saucy You can put the chewing gum in the hat BABS: With no other suitors to speak of,

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

(CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No! No! (SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING)

What's a SOB? Ah!

Hey, what's up, douche bags? I'm here to audition for this stupid pilot. (ALL LAUGHING) James Woods? Thanks for coming in, Jimmy.

Hey, guys, what football team should I like? Mahmoud says we all need to act like we're fans of American football so we seem less... (STAMMERS) "Buspicious." What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about Mahmoud. You know, I actually feel really bad for him.

th-th-Thank you.

And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING)

So, the bartender looks around and says: "What'll you two fine gentlemen have?" And they paid their tab and couldn't have been more courteous. All right, my first trip to a fast-food joint as a retarded guy. Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on?

This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

(BARKING) I'm small, so this is okay.

Gold? I thought we agreed on a $5 limit here? Yeah. I just got him a crappy little bottle of myrrh. Hello! Frankincense! You always do this! Ok, ok. Look, we'll put everything together and put all our names on it. No! Yes! That Is So chEap, I MeAN, thIs guy'S thE sAvior. No! No, No, No. You can't back out...

Toby? Meg? Hi. Wow, you look just like your picture. You don't look anything like yours.

Is that you when you were a little girl? Oh, yeah. That's the summer my family went to DC. That flag's missing some stars, there. Why don't you come to bed, Brian? What do you say we make a little whoopee? Yeah, sure. Why not? (BOTH MOANING) You okay? I'm not hurting you, am I?

We spent thousands of dollars to send you here and made two trips to Florida in four days. I'm glad we had you. Well, I'm sorry. I thought I could handle it here, but I was wrong.

Well, define "Chris." Peter, he's really upset right now. I mean, he cared about this girl a lot. Can't you see what you've done? I don't know, I mean, I thought I was helping. But you may be right. 'Cause now Chris is all sad and crying and fat and bad at sports. Well, you created this mess, and you have to help him fix it.

What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin. I'm cold. Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw--

(CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit.

Click-click- bloody-click pancakes!

and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls.

WOODS: Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care not available to the rest of society. My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue.

Why would you even date a girl like that? Well, because I thought she'd be like you. Like me? Well, you got to admit, Mom, she does look a lot like you. I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know?

Wow, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by. You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason.

But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois,

Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family. Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy! What are you standing here For? You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! Not this baby! Hey Lois, you seen my pants?

I want only positive feedback, please. Why does he have such a big red bum?

I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you?

Good for you, Janine. You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody, and you did it. Brian, what are you doing up there? Shh! I'm writing an article on teenage girls for a magazine. I'm studying Meg to see what goes on during her day. Well, be careful you don't fall off that ladder. Not all dogs go to heaven.

i'm--I'm sorry, Lois.

The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois!

Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah.

Well, no, not right now we don't, no. But if the poo were to be removed... I'm not following you. If the poo were to be removed... What does that... What are you driving at? Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind.

How good are you?

- Hey, Doc, you got a minute? - What you want, dog? Yeah, so, hey, check it out. Stewie and I have been working on some stuff of our own. And we thought there might be a place for us to sing on the next album. Hey, cool. You're busy. No sweat.

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780.

You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway.

Okay, then. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right, I'll see you Tuesday.

You been lifting weights? No. No, I don't... I don't think... No. I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back.

Yeah, you're right.

We have a caller on the line. Go ahead. Yes, yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can? Quiet--quiet-- Quiet. Shut up-- Shut up. Um, well, You'd better let him out! That's hilarious.

Here you go, Meg. I don't want them. Take them.

Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!

So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie.

It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie?

Brian, can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this Abercrombie & Fitch catalog? What do you want to order? Oh, wait, let me guess. Him. Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend? (LAUGHING) He got you, Brian!

You can just tell me what it looks like. You ever see a horse blink his eye? Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first.

I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over. Peter, she knows she untied her bikini. Women don't forget those things. Well, will you go over there - and pour a cold drink on her back? No. Will you go over there behind her - and yell, "Fire drill"? No. Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple? All right, fine.

I love the way the fire makes the shadows dance around behind us. One time, my friends and I went camping and nobody could start a campfire. And then I tried to start the campfire, and I could. That's insane. Wha... What is going on over here? What... Are we taking our shirts off now? Okay, follow the leader.

So there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup. And cleanup is as easy as catching a ball in a cup. So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup? Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup! Ball in a cup

How was your shower? I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. Really? You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughinG. There's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap. That was classic. Boy. I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me?

One of these planes must be going to London.

Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie. He doesn't seem to be playing well with other children. Oh, He's fine. You know, I was quite a troublemaker myself when I was a kid. Look, your--your parents will be home any minute. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? No, no, No. Go. Go. It'll be funny. Stewie needs to learn how to socialize with other children.

I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

(HISSES) (GRUNTING) (HISSES) Hey, get out here and fight me!

Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant! Thank goodness I've got you Jeff? What are you doing here? Look, I'm not supposed to see you. Your parents invited me. My parents? But they wouldn't-- Yes, we would.

All those dreams are nightmares And blank icy stares

Brian, I'm filling out my RSVP card, and I don't know whether I should get the salmon or the Snausages. They're having Snausages? Yeah. It sounds like fun. Big deal. I could care less about going to that wedding. Well, look on the bright side. It frees you up to go to Cleveland's barbecue. Cleveland's having a barbecue?

Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is. Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods, who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah.

Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change! NARRATOR: We now return to Ellen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking. So, you want to hear about my movie? I had a great weekend. We spent three months shooting in Louisiana. I danced all over my house.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally. Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating. We should form a club. All right, name something you find in your bathroom. Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating."

That's my JoE! What the deuce? Half man, half machinE. Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans! Go, cyborg! It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders!

All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

Oh, my God. Look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen? Maybe. You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin. Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your mogwai after midnight.

No, thank you, Peter. And even if I wanted to, the TV is out. There must be something wrong with the dish. It's all right. It's all right. I'll fix your dish. Where's my screwdriver?

I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this. Maybe this was all a big mistake. You're damn right it was. Why did I ever agree to do this? This isn't who I am. I looked in the mirror this morning, and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before.

And where's that bloody knife? In the wife! In the wife! The life of the wife is ended by the knife Bravo, Eliza! The life of the wife is ended by the knife

Dad. What's your name again? I wanna say Allen. Oh, it's so good to see you guys. Peter, we'd given up hope.

That guest list is more exclusive than the Garden of Eden. So, basically, you can eat from any tree you want, except this one. Can we sit underneath it? You know, I would just not go near it at all. Brian, thanks for showing up so promptly for your quarterly evaluation.

Well, well, Look who came crawling back. Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?

If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt. What is it, Lois? I was watching... Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing? Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum?

Oh, my God. He is short.

There you go. A half pound of honey maple turkey, sliced thin. I wanted a duplicate key made. You have a good one. Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on? Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down.

Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be

Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw-- Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple!

get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased.

Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby.

Publicity's what keeps this franchise running, Brian. We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby. Now you will get ready for the zim-zam and the babbity-bibbity. And you will take off your clothes like voo and voom!

Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids. Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here.

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake,

This whole thing was your idea! You'll find out. Dad, you're not making any sense! You just leave that to me. Ah, yes. Here we go.

Cool, cool. I'll follow you in my car. (WHISPERING) Come on. We're going. All right, hold on. Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for? So you can fuck dogs?

Oh, man, I better save my autographed picture of Dean Cain. You know, from before he got all desperate for attention. Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God.

T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company. Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini. What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff?

You can write off medical stuff? Aw, Jeez.

Okay, ready? I've been reading up on things that sound sexy. Oh, Brian. I can't wait till after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. What the hell's wrong with you? That's not sexy. Hey, Brian. I just noticed you over here. Hi, I'm Jillian. Desiree. Charmed.

This is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. Thank you, Daddy!

What time is it?

(LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it. Ah! Ah! Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan?

QUAGMIRE: That was the first time anybody ever used that. First time, I swear to God. Glenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy. I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake. Well, maybe it is. Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did. What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible!

Listen, these new legs have given me my life back. I want to do all the things I could never do when I was handicapped. And you guys are my best friends. I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe. Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away.

No, I'm not. I'm saying the same as what you say. - Peter. - Lois. - God. - Allah. Look, I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate.

Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future.

It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest? Oh, it's Dynasty.

Oh. I got a makeover, Dad. Don't I look great? Meg, honey, I always thought you were beautiful just the way you.... God, couldn't do that with a straight face.

Okay. (BREATHING DEEPLY) (EXCLAIMS) Don't do it right here! I don't want to watch! What? Take it over there. Do it in the corner. - It's gross! - It's your poop! Yeah, but it's your activity, you know? It's your thing. (EXCLAIMS)

You will wind up wearing tattered shoes If you mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E

Move aside! I know a shortcut! MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR. Let's go throw up. - Sure! - Good idea! Hey, I love throwing up. Hi. I'm Jennifer. Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it.

Brother? I don't know those other two words, but brother? I'm gonna have a brother? Well, what we're discussing is whether or not marriage is a smart move for Carol at this point in time. I was hoping you might be able to weigh in. I'm gonna have a brother!

I know, it's unbelievable.

We're never gonna win that talent show. Hey, now, Peter, you gotta remember that when we used to write the old songs, we had a lot of "inspiration," huh? You know, I think Brian may have some inspiration in a cigar box under his bed. I don't know, Lois. I don't think this is gonna work. Come on, we can't give up on our goals. What if Jesus had done that?

You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too. Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? (ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY)

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you.

Kids, gas masks. Run! There you are. Oh, Don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Oh. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baa-shful? Oh, oh.

Oh. Kelsey Grammer, what are you still doing here? I have nothing left for you. I'm sorry. Ah! Then I shall take my ease on the Lanai. I don't care what you do now.

If there's one thing I can do, it's play to a crowd. Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt, and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means, and community activist. Go, Dad.

Meg, get in the car, we're going home. I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore. Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car.

Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons. We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site of the U.S. blockade. Tom. Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front, where the U.S. has cut off electricity, water, and gas to the tiny 4-bedroom republic. The situation is very tense and extremely dangerous. It's only a matter of time before, uh...

"I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here." Yeah, I know, I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So, what did they say? Get this, they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day. They said that? (SCOFFS) Yeah. Well, none of this will matter when we're famous singers.

HERBERT: Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never!

(WEAPON CHARGING) (GASPING) So, anyway, I says, "Forget the dental plan, forget sick leave. "I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here."

The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line

Well, I suppose. Stranger things have happened in medicine. I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab. Okay, Doc, we got to have a talk at some point,

CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married. Therefore, there's only one thing to do.

Yeah? Watch this.

Oh, for God's sake. I have a shoe appointment in the morning, and I want to be fresh! Yeah, the person I'm attracted to is your brother. Brother? Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care. I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

What are you talking about? He's hilarious. I don't know. Listen, just leave it to me. I'm great with animals. You remember when I lived with those ants? We're working on something. Yes? May I help you?

Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good? You.... You guys know I have no problem with black people, right? Yeah. Sure. You did say you hated Croolrlyn.

Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high? You boys are in a lot of trouble. Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes. You're all coming down to the station with me. Oh, crap!

Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it!

but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already.

You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?

This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here. A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane.

Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra.

So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian? All right, you guys. I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking... gets the last piece of pie in the fridge.

I have so much fun when we hang out, Lois, and I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it, like, strawberry sunset or ginger maiden, or one of those hair color names that's a random noun, like temptress. Oh, at some point, you have to let me braid it!

Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna. Oh. Well, They did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful. Ok, let's go from the top of Scene 7.

There's a throng of trendy people And they're stretched around the block And there's one unpleasant deaf guy Who just really shouldn't talk Vodka tonic, please.

All aboard for the Grand Canyon.

and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)

Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life.

Are you Luke Skywalker? Yeah. I've got something for you. A letter.

Of course it did, that's how we got here. No, that's how you got here. I flew. The machine must have created two pairs of us. One that was teleported to Las Vegas, and the other that wasn't. You're kidding. That's unbelievable. I know, it... Wait. Where's the other me? Oh, um... What? Where is the Stewie you came with?

Hey, say, man, when you on your trip, skip that traveler's insurance. That's a ripoff.

It just seems to me that perhaps it's time to think about retirement. Never! Retirement's for old people. I can work till I die. Maybe even after that. Mr. Pewterschmidt, the gentlemen from Zurich are here for your 10:00. Will you need anything else? Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Holy crap! You marry Billy Joel, it's gonna happen one way or another.

And I'm ready to take a chance again With you (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you. Thank you very much. PETER: You're welcome.

I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy! Lois, what the hell's up with you lately? You're acting all weird, and you're staying out all night. I was just out with some of the girls, and you're not gonna believe this.

Excuse me, miss? This older gentleman would like a lap dance. What am I supposed to do? Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself.

Hey, Can someone fluff Paul? He's got, like, a windsock thing going on. So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Look, Zack, i'm--I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this. I mean, i--I've been around. You know, i've--I've licked my share of peanut butter.

L.A. Law at 9:00. Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie. He's not allowed to have any human contact. (PHONE RINGING) Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.

(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out.

So, what did you wanna see me about? You know, Brian, there was a note in the suggestion box that says: "Stewie should eat a steaming bag of...." Well, I'm not gonna say the last word, but I think you know what it is. Look, Brian, a corporation is a lot like a centipede. It only works if all the legs are moving toward the same end.

Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Never heard of it. It's all right T, they're with me.

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally.

Wow, Jesus Christ at our dinner table. I still can't get over it. I'm actually glad you're all here tonight. I want to tell you that one of you will betray me. (LAUGHING) Just kidding! (LAUGHS) He's doing that thing he did in the storybook.

Oh, my goodness, the Queen is going to be here presently. This is oh-so-exciting! My favorite part before the Queen arrives is yelling "Wanker!" at Prince Charles as he passes. Wanker! Wanker! I know, I know. Wanker! Wanker! Yes, I know. Yes. Wanker! You're a wanker!

Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

His movies are terrible.

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here! Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it...

I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too!

I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster. Oh, darn it. Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS) How about me, sir? Am I too fat to ride? No, you don't seem to be. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Well, you got to hand it to him. He had a dream and he made it happen. That's what the Wright brothers did.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah! That's all well and good, Peter. Now, get ready, we're having dinner with my parents tonight!

Wonderful! The best! Very fancy!

Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long,

Where's the don? The don? I don't know what you're talking about. Aw, Come on. The don, the captain of the mafia. Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia.

(CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today. All right, we gotta search every one of these rooms. We'll start with Quagmire's.

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here.

That's a shame What a shame

(SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg. I escaped 'cause I just couldn't bear another second away from you. My God! How did you get out?

You want to take a wizard on my id? You remind me of my step-dad. (GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night?

Oh, I had to give him away. Gave him away! - Well, Dave's allergic. - Dave! All right, so there's a Dave. That's great. God, Dave sounds great. Yeah, he is. And his parents are so sweet. Met his parents and they're sweet. Just older Daves, huh? (LAUGHS) What a family. God, it's good to see you.

Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie.

Please tell me why you have it. I said I don't want to talk about it. But I want to know. Just tell me. Come on. No. Come on, please.

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?

Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'? Hey, Peter. in case you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"! Aw, Forget the party.

No! What happened?

Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli.

No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS) Head for the tracks! (GUNSHOTS FIRED) Oh, no, they're shooting at us! Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots. Man, these guys are elusive!

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh! ahhh!

You guys give up? What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea. Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. Ok. You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn!

You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids. - And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin.

I... I don't have a lot of stuff. Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder. Nope. Oh, this is horrible!

you'd never ask me to do something so degrading!

I don't want to! (GRUMBLING)

Look, how about this? You buy the condenser, and I'll make out with you. (EXCLAIMS) I'm gonna kiss you so hard, the picture's gonna change into something else. Look, this isn't Windex but it's just as good. It's the store brand.

I left him a message, like, four hours ago. Well, maybe he doesn't have his phone with him. No, no, it rang twice, and then the voicemail picked up. If it had gone straight to voicemail, that means the phone was off. If it rang, like, six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois. That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button and sent it straight to voicemail.

Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

(SNIFFING) Hey. Hey! Psst!

You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.

The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been?

y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says-- Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya! I can feel all the bones in your ass! Hya! Hya! Oh, come on, Come on.

Now that you're stinking rich we'll gladly be your bitch My God, this house is freakin' sweeT

We lost the values, but we kept the weed You've got a lot to see The Reagan years have laid the frame For movie stars to play the White House game We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim You've got a lot to see

What the hell's wrong with people?

So, it's official. Y'all are card-carrying lifesavers.

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.

Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party!

Oops. Window open. I'm going over there! No. I'm gonna go over there and punch her! No! No, no, no, No.

And I know you want Scotty to live a full life. (LAUGHS) And if that's true, then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will. I mean, what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers? Hope, Ben, please let God answer your prayers.

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh!

How can you even say that, Dad?

FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING) HOPE: lllo wonder thatpriest kept saying, "Bless you. " (LAUGHING)

I can't help it There's nothing I want more You know it's true Everything I do

(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? (EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass. Oh, an unfamiliar dog.

Uh-oh. Hey, You're that black guy I saw on the news conference, ain't you? uh, Yeah, that's me. This is Car 15. I'm gonna need backup. I got a stolen vehicle here. But this is my car. Suspect's getting belligerent. - What? - Officer down.

Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending. Well, Look at the bright side, Lois.

Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. Figured before I stopped by the apothecary, I'd come here, and then it's off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for you? Not really. Did you use the jokes? Yeah, they're not landing. Got your mail. So, how's it going? I tell you, Stewie, it's going great.

Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids. Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago.

You can't eat a stapler--

Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.

- Go on. - Sorry. Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry. Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle?

And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah!

Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail? No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass! Yeah? Well, That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseaseS!

but I'm still alive and I'm a famous racecar driver, and he's like, "Oh, man, Stewie turned out awesome!" And he comes to one of my races, and I'm so surprised to see him there, I crash, and then I'm in a coma for 20 years, and I wake up and he's a racecar driver. Stewie, do you want to be a racecar driver when you grow up?

I'm taking credit for finding this body. (ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down!

Meg, honey, it's very cold in here.

At my signal, unleash hell!

Yes, yes! I got more of it on me than in me. Yes, That one never gets old, Lois. Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in. I'll eat it when I'm ready! HI. I'm ready! Well, Time for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie. And we have something very tasty for big fat you. Bon appetit.

Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good. Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right? Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit.

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

Maybe she should have thought of that before she asked me for directions. Huh? What about incest, Peter? What's incest? You know how cousin Lou has that kid whose eyes touch? So what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded. I'm just saying that they should have at least had the option. How can you say that? Think of all the love he's given to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad.

Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.

(CROWD LAUGHING) (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.

Boo, Lois! Yay, beer! shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie.

Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous! God, I've looked forward to this moment more than the second coming of Jesus. Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and...

Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births!

Peter, that's sick! It's ok. He's outside the underwear.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're not gonna stop till we're there Maybe for a beer.

I-Is this a bad time? Never a bad time when you're with the q-Man. Come on in. Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately. It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore.

But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family. Now go away. I'm busy.

You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

Ohhh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We'd better get moving! Carol, you gotta relax. You Let that kid start calling the shots now, and you're screwed.

Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.

No more oppression! We as American adults with free will have the right to use marijuana if we choose to! Enough government profiteering under the guise of morality! Enough with this phony war on drugs!

Those Silly Nannies are just a bunch of losers. - Pack your bags. We're going home. - What, you're just giving up? Look, Peter, I know you're upset because you blew your opportunity with the Patriots. But this is your chance to redeem yourself. Now, I bet if you really tried, you could turn that team around. You know what, Lois?

All right, you guys. Let's get out of here. All right, stand back! Whoa. Hang on.

(THUMPING) BRIAN: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint? Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one. Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel.

Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this.

Look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy. no! Hold up the picture. Let's see. No! Nothing to see here. How cute. It's a time machine! No! It's a... Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant!

It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush! (SNORING) Look, there he is!

Fred, this is not a date! All right, you're all done, Alexis. Well, What do you know? Once again, I finish first. Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car."

Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?

If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"? Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over. But I really missed you guys. I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. So I came home.

And remember, you can use that word as much as you want. Even home, at the dinner table, in front of your parents. Because it's French, and French is classy. Okay, I'm off.

Come on. Hey--hey. You want to hear some horror stories. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore.

Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now? (PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped.

No! If you need me, I'll be in space. Great idea bringing Stewie to Fenway Park, Peter. Yeah. There's no better place for a father and son to really get to know each other than a ballgame. Where is Stewie? (PANTING)

it's hope that will save us from who we once were. (APPLAUSE)

You know, some-- some people think that dandelions are weeds. But, uh, you know, i--I always think who the--who the hell decided tulips were so greaT?

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God!

This is humiliating. Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. No, I don't. I quit! Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me!

Wait a second. I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos! Lois, you lied to me! Is Dad mad at me? Oh, He just doesn't understand. I know artists have to make sacrifices and-- Oh, My God! Are you Kate Moss? Well, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What the hell happened? Where is everybody? You don't suppose... You think we're the only people on Earth? I don't know. I tell ya what.

Brian, I can't go to the bathroom by myself. Will you please help me? But I'm good at other stuff. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hello, Candy. Hi, Glenn. Come on in.

This is so weird. Look what they used to pack your book in. Shredded-up pieces of your book. Okay, that's it, I'm finished. What are you talking about? I'm finished. I'm done. It's over. Clearly, I am not meant to be a writer. I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out. I put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on. Well, that's it, no more.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

My menstrual cycle's on there, too,

(MEWS) Oh, my God! Watch when I scratch his bottom. He sticks his fanny in the air. We have liftoff. We have liftoff. (LAUGHING) Come here, James. What the hell are we doing? Quagmire, since when do you like cats?

Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean. Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast.

I know what you're thinkiNG.

Let's get the hell outta here. Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it!

Hello, Boston! Are you ready to humble yourself before God? What? Have you all taken a vow of silence?

Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud! What? I'm fun.

Ellen? Why is there a pen cap and no pen?

That's all the motivation I need to actually do this. Did we finish fueling? Do you see the hose in the plane?

Yeah, except for having to sit next to that screaming autistic lady in the waiting room.

Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING) Oh, like a relationship. Exactly. That'll send them running, huh? I like her.

I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay! Aw, I mean, sorry, honey. God, I hate high school. I don't fit in with anyone.

It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it, our final minutes.

"'Allo, Mother.

Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh?

And that's why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees, he may very well be talking about himself.

Stewie, honey, want to play rocket ship? What the deuce? Blast off! Go on, Stewie. Get the note for Mommy. How dare you use me for your own personal selfish... Hmm. Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD. What the hell was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks.

Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)

Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

Peter, this all looks very expensive. Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive.

I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden.

I'm sorry about that.

"that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." I think that was the Council of Trent. You could not be more wrong. The answer is Phyllis Diller. Peter, you're reading the pink-- My turn. Okay, Peter, this is for the win. "Say the word 'what.'"

These all look good, every one of 'em. Hey, You want some bread? No! Peter, is that you? Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better. (SIGHS) Okay. I just totally drowned this ant hill. Hey, when are we gonna get there?

Well, I'd better get a move on.

That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore TV to the way it was. You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and... (GUNSHOTS) What the hell? That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill.

All right. Let's do it! PETER: It worked!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Dear God, this is where we're sleeping? Oh, Come on, Lois. They said they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow. And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go?

Today, we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition. What's that? Something out at sea? Clam-ho! They're giving your cue, Peter. Who the hell's idea was it to make this suit out of foam rubber?

Welcome home, asshole!

They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right!

(DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus. Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here. Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.

Why not? Why not? That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you!

Wow! You are such a good dancer. Way to go on that beer bong. Yeah, no fake. No fake. Mom! Hi! What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I've been waiting out here for hours!

Dear God, I'm un-teething. Brian, it appears the flow of reverse time is beginning to affect us as well. What does that mean?

MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke. I'll never join you. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. He told me you killed him. No, I... Hang on. Spoiler alert.

Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher.

Whore, slut, bitch. You don't deserve to have sex with me. Instead, I'm gonna eat the whore out of you.

We never even got a chance to have sex. Everyone knows rich, waspy girls are the best at it. I'm really going to miss that club. You know what part I liked the most? Walking around the locker room naked and offering people sections of a tiny clementine. Clementine? Oh, thank you.

(BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there. You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind. But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it.

Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet? How's the hernia, Peter?

All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail. And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on? (LAUGHING) You see? I'm part of it!

Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.

From now on, Joe will be your father. Cleveland? I'll teach the boy. Come, my son. I'll show you the ways of the herd.

I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg.

Yeah, they also have stork startling. Squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety! (LAUGHING) Your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Correct! (CHEERING) I did it, Lois! My God, I did it! You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."

No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed.

So how did it go? I--i--I'm not finished yet. Aren't you gonna ask me how it went? Yes! Did you talk to the company executives? Peter, answer mE! YEah, I did! And They made me president. Of the whole company? All right, Dad!

Okay, if you say so. Hey, does she have really weird, messed-up eyes? No, her eyes are normal. They're beautiful, actually. Bet they're not. Bet they look like bowls of milk. Shut up. You sure she isn't just using you? Seeing-eye dogs are expensive, she may just be trying to get one for free. No, actually, she doesn't want a seeing-eye dog.

Well, Now I don't know, after the emotional trauma I've endured on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount. Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office. Well, Then maybe I'll just take my business elsewhere. Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday. - I got cash! - I'll take it! Suit yourself. Hey, Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place.

Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on!

We've been searching these woods for weeks. We've got to keep looking. He's got to be out there somewhere. Oh, my God, we're in Canada. I get to use my new passport. I hope my picture looks okay. That's Liam Hemsworth. No, it's not. It's me. It's just a really good angle. God, just look for Peter. God.

Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip.

I'm on the flag-girl squad! Oh Honey, congratulations. Hey, Chris, I bet you can't do this. Ha! I bet I can! We perform at all the football games. I'm practically a cheerleader. Oh Meg, that's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Peter? Hey, Way to go, Stewie. All right, Chris. I'll see you a fork and raise you A gravy ladle.

"Your character does." Oh, That always stuck with me. StewiE? OlIvia? What are you doing here?

Well, we've gotta stop Bertram. What are we gonna do? Don't worry, Brian, I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm a genius. Like Thomas Edison. Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting. (LOUD ZAPPING) Brian, look!

No! Books are jerks. Stop acting like a brat.

You know, it's kind of sad seeing Stewie in that plastic bubble. " think he looks like a bunny. Oh, that's it, Chris, keep laughing. When I get out of here, you're going to get it. I'll lull you into a false sense of security like those network television announcers. CHIRPY ANNOUNCER: Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family, Mama 's got more than she can handle with the in-la ws in town.

the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)

Please? All right, I'll do it. But don't expect any miracles. I'm not good with confrontation. Like when I got stuck behind that giraffe at the ballgame. Yeah! Nice hit! Frozen rope! Awesome! What just happened? Ground rule double! Whoo! I couldn't even see it. Yeah, it was something. Ducks on a pond! Let's bring 'em in! Could you please sit down?

Oh, my God! My fish is gone! And he robbed me! Ok, see you, Chris. Peter, this is none of my business, but you're turning your boy into a slacker. How dare you call my parenting into question.

Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back. You got fired for racist drawings. I guess. Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle. I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.

(CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

Hey, this is supposed to be a fun night. What's wrong with you? You know, I could ask the same of you.

I left Hollywood, moved back to my hometown of Quahog,

And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

for all my time here, and for time forever. Please, I beg you. Carter, what you did was unforgivable. And as beautiful as your words are, I just don't know that they can fix what's done.

because that was awesome! I don't know. Don't you think it's kind of weird that he's in kindergarten and he's still hanging around kids our age? Hey! We are very lucky. Oh! Here I go!

Streetlight people Get some! Get some! Guys, we were freaking electric. Yeah, they loved us. Gentlemen, this is a sign.

But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming. CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."

You're in a book club? Those are tough to get into. What? Well, I didn't even know the Fine Young Cannibals were still together. Eight-city tour? Well, I don't know if I can make eight, but I can certainly do six. What about Lois? She's totally out of the picture. We've done everything but sign the papers. Samantha, Samantha, I will see you in Binghamton.

But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that--

some smelly Hawaiians might move in. Hear, hear! Hey, Where's Quagmire? Yeah, If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived.

In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time,

I try to dance in every room at least once a week. I also listen to jazz while I vacuum, which is cool. Anyway, it comes out Friday. I got to work with Julianna Margulies... My pets were going wild all weekend. I think there's, like, something in the air. ...who could not have been nicer. Like smog or pollen. Or pollinated smog, or... Are you just gonna talk over everything that I say? I love talking on TV. I'll... I'll do anything to talk on TV.

Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable. Like the stock photos on a corporate website. WOMAN: I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. MAN: I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. MAN 2: We're college students listening to our professor,

We are taking you back to Quahog with us. Oh, that's a great idea. Maybe he can bring his sling blade and order up some (MIMICKING BILLY BOB THORNTON) French-fried potatoes. Mmm-hmm. Thank God I'm out of that hospital. It's great to be eating lunch with my family instead of a bunch of chronic masturbators. Those people are disgusting.

(ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser! I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again.

No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Yeah, this is nothin'. Guy at work drank a quart of motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't. Hey, guys, check it out. I peed my name in the snow. Jesus, Joe. That's normal. Wow, looks like the whole neighborhood's out here.

Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW

Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence?

Something's telling me it might be you

Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here? Yes. Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier. Well, you could always grab the vacuum and clean up the living room floor. Oh, sure, I'll take care of that.

What do you got there? A candy bar, huh? - Got any other contraband? - No. Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer. Oh, so your dad gets guys off. (LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. Where's your bag, fatty? You're welcome to search my beef case. But there's mutton in there. (LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok? I told you we should've left cookies for Santa.

what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you.

Well, drunk or not, can you help us? I can if you want to join AA, eh? No, I'm already a member of A-A-A. I need help with the car. Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage. You might need a hose, eh? Jose, Roberto, whatever. If you've got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great. No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh? Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate, but let's deal with first things first.

Brian, is that you? Uh, Yeah. It's me. Is everything ok? Yeah. I couldn't sleep. I'll be up in a minute. Ok.

Somebody call 911. Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel! Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired! Oh, Man. What'll I do if I get fired? I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different.

That's not true! Biscuit loved all her puppies! Biscuit! Brian, your mama gave you up because she thought you'd have a better life if she let you go. Was she right, son? Do you have a good life? Yeah. I--I really do. I have a great life. Would you like to see her?

Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part 4.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

I've always been a little worried about Chris, but I guess I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

(CAR HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECH) Oh, my God! Are you all right? I'm fine. Lucky for you, this tree was my destination. And the job exchange begins. (CHIRPING) Sir, do you want to move ahead on the agreement with the sanitation union?

I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD!

How about a pill? Something to relax you before you go on?

Hungry Hungry Hippos! Claus, you porcine double-crosser!

(GASPING) What? Oh, my God. Good Lord! I am a genius. What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work. It created an evil clone of me.

Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous. Ok, disability claim.

I am vanquished. I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy! Uh, Excuse me.

Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit!

Well, luckily the value of this place plummeted because this is a meth town now. You know, I think the lesson here is that if your community has problems, you don't abandon it. It's better to stay put and help fix those problems. That's right, Lois, 'cause wherever you run to, your problems have a funny way of finding you.

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...

All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore. And, by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend. (DOORBELL DINGING)

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane? I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him. He's probably hurt, or lost, or--or--or shanghaied by pirates!

the entire world will be subject to my whims.

Wait, you mean the reason you fight so good is... Yeah, 'cause I'm making believe I'm fighting you! Wow. Am I that much of a bastard? Sometimes, yes.

Farmton, that's the name of the place we live. I forgot to mention that earlier. For more on the story, we now go live to Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa. Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business!

I'm just glad I stopped before I did a really terrible thing. Terrible thing? What terrible thing? Well, like I said, I changed my mind. I didn't do it. But, um... I was kind of gonna roofie you. What? What is wrong with you?

(LAUGHING) Oh, really? Well, I'm sure a brief call to my accountant will resolve this to our mutual satisfaction. (DIALING) Hello, Schnozzenstein? This is Peter Griffin. There seems to be some issue with our credit. I told Carstairs you'd set everything straight.

I'm going to sex you up so crazy! Yeah! Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

Well, Before the disaster, I was a physician. That's terrific. We need a doctor. We sure do. Let's hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. Ah! "Village idiot." That's a good one. On Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis at traffic. Congratulations. PetEr, Maybe we should've just let him be a doctor.

And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip. There ain't nothing funny about four pictures of the Capitol Building and all that writing. What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois. Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about.

I don't know. I lost it. Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth. ahh! No! Don't! Stewie? Look what I found. My trikie! What's going on down here? Uh, We're playing house.

What are you gonna do about it? What are you.... I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

(BOTH GASPING) Oh, no. I have chateau'ed myself. (GROANS) Damn it. He died before he could tell us anything. Brian, he's the first guy. The first guy always dies. Well, I'm sure he didn't work alone. Maybe there's something in here we can use. (SCOFFS) This guy has a Velcro wallet. Grow up.

Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm? I'll just pop it back in. You most certainly will not. I need to go to a hospital.

And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff.

That's good old-fashioned family racism. Well, well, a lost child. Looks like we've got a new recruit.

Then I tried teaching him how to get out of paying a check. Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn.

All right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces. Good. Now we wait. Peter? A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

Oh, you're just in time. I ordered Caucasian for dinner. Chris, I'm hungry. It's your turn to keep watch for the cops. Wait a minute, am--am I the only one who thinks this is nuts? We've given up our whole lives. Come on, Brian, a change of scenery is always good. Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Nebraska.

What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

Let's see where it goes.

Hey, uh, Cleveland. You got a minute? I--I really need to talk to you. Sure. I was just going for a ride. Hop on. So, I found out I have a black ancestor. Is that right? Well, that's fantastic, Peter. Yeah, But see, the problem is I got no idea how to be black,

Name's Billy, Billy Finn. It's got "fin" in it. I didn't pick it. Luck of the draw. (CHUCKLES) Say, you want me to try and get you one of those cars from down there, yeah? (GASPS) You would do that? Well, I could try. Here, let me give it a go. He seems nice.

Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like.

and the employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted. I don't know what's in there! That's it! Peter is completely out of control! We've gotta do something to take him down and get your company back. Right, right, but how? In order to oust an idiot, we've got to think like an idiot.

I mean, the guy on the show, he's already an adult, you know? So it's not like he's gonna grow into Bob Saget. It doesn't make sense. Thank you for your time. Well, what do you think?

Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims... Um... Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white. So no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full-blooded whites.

All right, let's get this place cleaned up. All right, that's the last of the blood. Go check on the other kid. What other kid? Johnny, the one who's getting the bat.

What's that? Something out at sea? Clam-ho! They're giving your cue, Peter.

ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her. Meg, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him. He's down by the old town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you.

Right, Giant Robot? Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer. Who'd have thought? Wait a minute, Joe.

(CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience,

(GASPS) Oh, Brian. You scared me. Another late night, huh? Yeah, Mayor West keeps me pretty busy. Yeah, I noticed. (GASPS) Where did you get that? Meg, what the hell have you gotten yourself into? You realize he probably does this with every new intern.

but if you ask me, feminism is about choice. I choose to be a wife and mother. And now I'm choosing to end this conversation. No wonder your husband didn't respect women. Excuse me? I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

Oh, Natalie Wood. Definitely Natalie Wood. Somebody save him, he can't swim!

Uh-oh. (ENGINE STARTS) Ow! (CAR BEEPING) Oh, God! Brian! Brian! Guess I'm going for a ride.

I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about the evil monkey here.

(PARENTS SCREAMING)

Yeah, Joe, even RoboCop took a day off once in a while. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Nope.

I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What? Oh, come on, You look like Charlie Brown. Bite me, Snoopy.

There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

Wow. Never seen that happen before. What the devil happened here? I've assembled that rifle a million times. Well, I don't know if it's just the rifle. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing. Brian, if you've got something to say to me... All right, I think you're going soft.

Mom, you have to do something! Dad's on T.V. parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy! Uh, Now, sweetie, your father's just a free spirit. Here. A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day. ANd a--And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o!

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No!

- Oh, my. - Right?

Chris, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan. But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma." aw, That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in.

After all, we couldn't even turn a double play. All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay.

Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer?

Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great.

(GASPS) - Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell?

She said yes. My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials. (TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.

- Ring. Oh, come on. - Hello. - Stewie? - No. This is Stewie's housekeeper, Mrs. Pennyapple. I'll see if he's in. Stewie. Stewie. Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple? You've got a telephone call. Who is it? He didn't say. Well, find out, would you? - Who is this? - It's Brian. It's Brian. Oh, Brian. Probably RSVPing about Megan's party. Hello, Brian.

Well, now wait a minute, Meg. Let's not be too hasty. These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient?

I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

And by the thing between your knees, I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. aah!

(SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you!

excuse me, war hero Thanksgiving touch football. (APPLAUDING) - Yeah! U.S.A.! I didn't even know there was a war. Okay, let's pick teams. I'll be a captain and Mayor West, you can be a captain.

Er... No, not really.

(SIGHS) "I'm sorry, Byron. Missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is! Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go.

Hey. Sorry I'm late. Brian! What are you doing here? I'm in your class. What? No way! I don't want you in here! Too bad. Here's my class receipt. Now teach me how to find love. All right. Fine. But you lick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.

Well, maybe if I'd seen you kiss your girlfriend. - Fine. - What was that? What is she, your grandmother? (SCOFFS) That's no kiss. Watch this.

If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window, he'd still be in that dump in quahog. That "dump" is our home. Dump? Oh--oh, So now you're too good for us, too? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Chris, not you! Are you so selfish you can't see that? Yes, I am. Peter, your son is using his talents to pursue his dream.

Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey. What is it, Lois? I--I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone. But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class. Advanced class? No, no, no, no, No. I'm trying to quit.

it's bound to get people into the pharmacy. That's right, bring in the city folk with their big money and their long cigarettes and their dogs with shoes. Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no!

(GUNSHOT) (GRUNTS)

to some of your deepest memories, maybe some that aren't so happy.

All right. Let's get those reindeer hooked up and get out of here. Okay. The elves are bringing them now. (BARKING) (SNARLING)

The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks.

You want Mommy to read you a night-night story? Oh, how about this one? (STEWIE READING TITLE)

I just hope Dad doesn't embarrass us like he did when that one-legged guy came over. All right. Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh...

on the outside. Captain Solo, do you copy? This is Overweight Pilot Number One. Commander Skywalker, do you copy? HAN: Who are you looking for?

Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Stewie, look! A butterfly.

Hey, hey! What the hell, man? Drink beer much? (LAUGHS) I just learned that "much" thing from the telly. Hey, here's a question. When are you going back to the ocean? Yeah. I mean, don't you have family back there? I used to, but not anymore. Um, the wife won't have me back. Threw me out, actually.

I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing. Boy, wouldn't it be great if life were like this?

(SLURRING) Hey! Oh, did... Did I miss Byron's reward? Brian's award. And, yes, you did, Peter.

Yeah, for the money. You ready to go, Quagmire? Yeah. You know, I got to tell you. I think you did a good thing. Well, I guess I just realized it's not about me. This family is what's best for Anna Lee. This is her home now. I got to let her go. I'm proud of you, Quagmire. Thanks, man. Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years.

Your father is innocent. Oh, he killed her.

Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me!

I think we found his muse. Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk.

So, Jesus, finish that story you were telling us. Oh. All right, all right. So there I was, they'd just beaten me senseless, stuck thorns in my head, nailed me to a piece of wood, shoved a sponge full of vinegar in my mouth and killed me. Then they put me in a hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days, and come Sunday, bam, I rise from the dead.

Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted.

All right, all bets are in. Rupert, bad idea trusting the Celtics.

they can be reattached. What's all the commotion?

Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break-dancers to do their routine on your stomach. Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys!

Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off! Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please?

Prepare to fire giant boob-nipple gun. (CHUCKLING)

This time around I'm staying at home And things are gonna get better Settling in, loving my wife But then I got that letter

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

(TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.

Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg. Let's go, kids. Time for school.

Working at James Woods High is great. You know, I've always wondered why they named if after James Woods, you know? I mean, there's got to be somebody more deserving. Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know... Sidney Poitier, Reggie Jackson, Martin Luther King.... You know, those are just three names that come to mind. Brian, that's a great idea.

Phew! Well, that's enough fun for one day. I'm sweating more than a non-legacy applying to Yale. (ALL LAUGHING)

Brian, there you are. Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago. Oh, yeah, he... He's... He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago.

Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Stewie, can you please move? You're blocking the TV.

but not the small wigs. Hey, I'm hungry. I got a credit card. Oh, God, I'm so nervous. I hope it goes well. Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot.

(PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state

He takes the beam. The spectators hold their breath as Stewie Griffin is America's last hope to take home the gold. Oh, oh. Did you see that, Mitch? I sure did, Kathy. That was impressive. Here comes the dismount. Hey, Stewie, I just took a nap. You want an eye booger?

Moving on. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, gotta go and drain the eel. It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

(SIGHS) Dear God who definitely exists, we, your people, who have been on this planet for 6,000 years and not a second more, wish to thank you for this bounty, and for keeping Congress predominantly white through Christ our Lord, amen.

Crap, there's two more of them dead ahead. It's all right, I think I can outmaneuver them. JOHN BUNNELL: This Rebel lawbreaker thinks he can outrun the Empire.

Well, the election results are pouring in and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me, Diane, when's the last time you heard... Forget it. Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck. Well, folks, this is it.

But I don't wanna get rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you.

My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something.

(DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.

What did you do to my daughter? I swear to God, if you touched her-- Peter! Honey, what happened? Well, It was lunchtime and... I love the color of your Prada bag. Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? Oh, You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse.

You'll never take us alive! Lois and the kids should be in here to see this. Yes. It's going very well. Mom, what do you do when you like a boy but he doesn't even notice you? Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit! Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around. Such a mom answer.

Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on. This government's FCC is trying to take all the farts away from television! And all the sex, and all the nudity, and all the poop. Well, I say it's wrong. These things are part of the fabric of American life.

Um... I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it? Oh, aren't you adorable! Are you in a fraternity, little boy? Not yet. But I'm thinking about joining I FELTA THI. Oh.

And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite. Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA? I got it. That's the guy from Big.

The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine, but who has never actually shined. Not one single time! Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey.

when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know....

Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor. I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer.

Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinky prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.

Griffin. Party of two. Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you. Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal.

(BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent! What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning.

Looking in their eyes, I see a memory I never realized how happy you made me Oh, Quagmire Oh! Well, you came And you gave without taking I would never take from you, Barry.

What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more? I got rights, too. Who's there? (SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING) (GROANS)

Oh, Brian, there you are. Look who's here for lunch. Hello, Mr. Woods. Peter tells me you're in films. Peter, can I talk to you in the living room? I can't believe you went to that much effort just to sabotage me.

Brian, meet George W. Bush. Hey, Georgie! Uncle Rush! Hey! Ooh, you are getting heavy. I know. I'm 64 and three-quarters. You sure are, slugger.

Peter, you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course?

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues.

God, I hate being handicapped. Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union. And what exactly are your demands?

Lois. You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing? I'm handing you a beer. You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here!

You and I are Doo-doo-doo so awfully different Doo-doo-doo too awfully different Doo-doo-doo to ever be pals Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Your head's as massive as a meteorite oh, Very funny.

I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today. Great, but can we do it after 5:00? There's a ball game on. Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out. Do you mind, Brian? No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit?

QUAGMIRE: (SCREAMS) Damn it! I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry.

And it smells a lot better than I

(COUGHING) You might, uh... You might have two things.

We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad! Maybe we should go now.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car.

(SCREAMING) (HUMMING)

Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes?

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion!

Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson! Who's that? Only the deadliest fighter in all of women's boxing. She's killed three people in the ring. BRIAN: Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian. I know why you're retiring, Griffin! You're scared! Scared? Of what? Of me! Look at these people,

Hey, Mexican Superman, can I talk to you for a sec? When you signed the lease, you said there was gonna be, like, five of you living here. Oh, no, they're not all living here. They're just visiting.

I promised my friend Joyce I'd watch the news tonight. FEMALE SINGER: Channel Five We're there for you When times are tough We'll help you through With news and sports and weather

Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus.

She's got elbow cleavage.

I am vanquished. I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy!

That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one...

Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

Honestly! The things these children come up with. if you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angeles, Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island. Hey, Maybe Stewie could get on that show. Ugh. You must be 'shrooming. Yeah! We can get a free trip to L.A. and see Brian.

I see the want to in your eyes (APPLAUSE) Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof?

No, fuck it. It's fine.

I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste. MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for...

(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking. Oh, yeah? Why should I? Yeah? Well, get someone else to bail you out, 'cause it ain't gonna be me. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming!

Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure? Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady. This corn is special. So, tell me about those knockers. Is that just, like, implants,

My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

Help! Help us! Oh, my God!

Hey, guys, what's goin' on?

I'm all for that! What other stories you got, Reagan?

Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good.

Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, having a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and crying and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

But chicks don't do that, because they use a spoon. What's up? Su-Fi! Boo! MySpace. Is he saying something funny? I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess. (CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college. And now to present the award for Sickest Onscreen Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness,

PETER: Hey, Stewie. Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh!

Citizens of Ouahog, we have a problem! You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair! Settle down, Jeffrey! Justin. Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before. And they can be stopped!

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

- Have you ever seen Krull? - No. Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.

- I think we should do it. - What? Lois, you can't be serious. Oh, I'm dead serious. You think I liked sitting there pretending to be polite to those people while they talked down to us like that? Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this family always feeling second-best. I want to do something we can be proud of. I want Stewie, Meg, and Chris to grow up with some confidence.

Meg, what's wrong?

Because, Meg, Estelle told me that someone in the family was in danger of drowning and that I should take some steps to prevent it. So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy.

(SINGING) Oh, your old guitar. I haven't seen that thing in ages.

You're all doing such a great job, I wanted to play you a song I wrote about what America means to me. When you say USA I just say hooray And if you're not from here God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS USA!

Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver,

Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material! What's this? Bedpan? Peter Pan. Next stop is Neverland. Come, Wendy, fly with me. (BEEPING)

It's okay. You know what, Bill? You were right. Ever since you and I have been hanging out, I feel 20 years younger. You've completely changed my life. See, I told you, Peter. Age is just a state of mind. So what do you want to do next? Go to Mars, dude.

Well, What do you have to say to that? I'm not going to jail, Chris doesn't have to die, and best of all, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air. You're a great role model, Peter. What kind of man devalues the life of his child for a T.V. show? Lois, Anyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dying to get the Gumbels back on T.V. is a racist.

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe.

Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess. I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.

Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet! No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Thank you. Now, Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children? uh, uh...

And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face. Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS)

Oh, my God, here comes Jared. Wow, he's in kindergarten. Hey, so you're the plug this year? Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug. Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row. Like, I don't know that! Everybody knows that, Jared! Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right? You just go out there, you be the best Stewie plug you can.

Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object.

Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

turning it into a block of ice for some reason. But then it thawed and cavemen came.

(WATER RUNNING)

But we had fun at the Teen Choice Awards, right? I guess. Well, I guess we ought to call it a night. Come on, Stewie. Up to bed. No party? Oh, come on! I was gonna show a slide show of all those silly photos I took of Meg.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Not so good, Peter. Yeah, me either. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster!

You're probably never even gonna see him again. Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this!

Fat man with his kids and dog

Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.

Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me?

Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING)

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt. Tom, I don't think the government was requiring you to wear a suit. Well, they were stopping me from punching you in the face. Is that what you want? No, you know what? You know what? Give me your wallet.

Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible.

That's right. I have divine powers! Ok. Safe drive. Well, What do you have to say to that? I'm not going to jail, Chris doesn't have to die, and best of all, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air. You're a great role model, Peter. What kind of man devalues the life of his child for a T.V. show?

(SHUDDERING) What happened? Peter, you won. My God. Nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink. Now do you believe that you're my dad? Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature. You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right. Welcome to me family, Peter.

Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true.

it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was raking! Let's go! All right, we need some wheels. This one's unlocked. An S.U.V.? Look, we're trying to elude someone. We're not driving to soccer practice. Let's take this one. Y-You like that color? What's wrong with the color? I--i don't know. It's just, it's so dark.

I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love.

Mom, is Grandpa gonna die? No, Chris, God's gonna help him, and he's gonna get better. He is gonna die, Chris, and there is no God. Meg, stop being truthful with your brother. I'll tell you, this obituary came out great.

We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute?

One day I was cleaning a bird cage, and a porn producer came in, and, well, the rest you know. I kind of feel like the part that we should have seen was... You know what? Never mind. It works. Good Lord. Am I a porn baby? Oh, I'm sure not. They don't usually finish inside.

It's at the Museum of Modern Art. Oh, God, I hope that's not some kind of museum! Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson.

This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter. Aw, You deserve it, my beautiful princess. You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

(THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite.

You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING) It's big, isn't it? Yes, Peter. It's very big. Yeah, it's big.

I need more talent juice. Another beer already? Oh, well, I guess I don't have to be prepared for the competition. I need another pitcher over here. Wow! Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household.

And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince? (SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350.

Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo!

Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly!

With Stewart out of the picture, this whole playground is under my control.

What do you know about the murder? Did you kill that man? Yes, I'll take a question from the reporter from the Quahog Elementary School Gazette. Timmy? Are you afraid of the dark? I thought we had an understanding that the dark was off limits. This press conference is over. This has been Tricia Takanawa with the news.

Everybody, brace yourselves, 'cause I have got big news. I have been selected to be a contestant on America's Got Talent! And they're going to fly us all to America for the show! What? Oh, my God! (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Finally, we make-a da dreams come true in America! I am going to make this family proud, and not just you guys,

Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass! Okay, come on now. Something serious. MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to...

CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet? How's the hernia, Peter? You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I gotta face the fact that I'm just getting old. CLINTON: Knock, knock. Mr. President, what are you doing here?

About when Billy the Kid came to town

Whoa! Ahh! You can whip me all you like, white devil,

But he left, and Stephanie was in the wrong place at the wrong time. So whoever the murderer is, they were after James Woods, not Stephanie. The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead?

Ok, Ok. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle. Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom? Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.

I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight. Roll over. Roll over, I say! Smells like cheese.

Grandpa, we were just holding hands.

Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

Huh? Huh? I'm gonna go get my purse. All right. Hey, based on what you've seen with your wife, w-what can we expect in terms of droopage here? We talking a slight slope or the full-blown fried-eggs-hanging- on-a-nail-thing?

I'm serious, Brian. That leg is a train wreck. I mean, she herself is so pretty, but that thing just looks like a string of sausages - with one empty casing in it. I get it. I mean, it's quite a sight, you know? I mean, when she's not looking, you should take a look at it, but, good God, be discreet. Yeah, I'll check that out.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

(HISSING) Don't look right at it. My STDs help it burn brighter.

Peter, what is that? Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. "I wish I could escape to a place "where this movie couldn't find me," and then... What the hell are we waiting for?

We won! We won! Do it again. Now I want a pink one. Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour. Oh, okay. You want to go ride the tea bags? Tea cups? Tea bags?

Looks like your customers are coming back. Thanks, Lois. It's good to be up and gouging again. Careful. Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet. Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry. (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? (GROANS) I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man.

He's been like this for days. (GASPS) Oh, my God! (GRUMBLING) Cream of Wheat. (MUMBLING) Jeopardy! (MUMBLING) Butterscotch pudding.

RED: That time in the hole changed old Andy. I'm getting out of here tonight, Red. I'm gonna take the poop pipe to the crap swamp. Wow. Where are you headed once you get out? Zihuatanejo. Sounds fancy. Well, actually, it's a filthy Mexican village. Listen, Red, when you get out of here,

It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS) Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web?

You're saved, sir. We're going to get you back to civilization. And how about we bring along your monkey pal? Okay. Yeah, we can teach him sign language, and he can tell us stories about what you two did on the island together.

How long are you guys gonna be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats. Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.

(MUMBLING) Amazing grace How sweet the sound Chris, did you hear? Some dog is going around town trying to get support for gay marriage.

Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking!

Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion.

Our top story. Guys, right? Yes, it's open and shut.

(GOAT BLEATING) You're all doing such a great job, I wanted to play you a song I wrote about what America means to me. When you say USA

TOM: What happened to the girl? WOODS: I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron. (GRUNTS) Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo! You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing!

(LAUGHING) She's such an idiot, Brian! She's such an idiot! Yeah. You know something, Brian? I bet you make the late-night monologues. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style."

And I guess that's why They call it the blues Joe, you got a minute?

My turn! My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha! Mom, What are you doing? I love slumber parties!

Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch.

Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be! ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Nature, with a Guy Named Terry in It.

Had to poo Sha-doop-a-doop-a-doo And he stepped into that box there and suddenly there was a big flash of light. That's when he went back in time Oh, my God, Stewie, we have to get him back. When did the machine send him? I don't know. How can you not know? It's a time machine.

What the hell is this? It's a boy!

Could I interest you in a couple of Rob Roys? What's a Rob Roy? Only the drink of Mr. Peter Lawford. Who's Peter Lawford? What am I hitting on, Lou Costello here? Who's Lou Costello? Sorry, my friend's a little new to the club scene. Geez, what the hell's with these broads?

Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence. Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

Yeah, listen, Bob, this is-- this is kind of my time. Ah, a miniature boat. And if I'm not mistaken, it's a replica of the Gretel II, which lost the America's Cup to Intrepid in 1973. Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now. Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub, what will you miss most?

Great. And we'll get you a wand, a top hat and a cape. In fact, you can use Peter's cape from last year's Halloween costume.

Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me. Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now. This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage.

Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter.

Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps. (SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.

It's a long story. You don't want to hear about it. Shut your face. I want to hear all about it. But listen, I got all this shopping to do, so you want to stop by tomorrow night? I'll just whip something up. Well, sure. You know, that sounds nice, Glenn. Holy smokes, this is a sure thing. Like the end of a Mexican wedding.

All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay! (EXCLAIMS) Huh.

And since it's bank property, I have no choice but to place you all under arrest. JEROME: It ain't bank property no more. Jerome? What are you doing here? Listen, it's kind of all my fault this happened in the first place. I'm responsible for Horace's death.

to the Land of the Lost Before I post the cast list my choreographer and I wanna thank everyone for auditioning. You were all great.

That's exactly what I think, too. We need to get back to the original script. Byron wants to do right by his daughter, and I think that everyone can relate to that. That's what America wants to see. The simple love within a family that conquers all and makes life worth living. What if I'm a cop and the chimp is my reincarnated partner?

It's a house. It's a finite area.

PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

That was a crazy one, Dick.

It's like she's fucking five.

By not using you to your full potential. You have too much talent for the stage. You should, uh... Be, uh, you... You should be a producer. A producer? Gee, I don't know. Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal.

Okay, and if I win, you have to go online and download that footage of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal,

You get away from my daughter, you pervert. Meg, get in the car, we're going home. I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore. Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car.

(LASERS FIRING) (BODIES THUDDING) PETER: All right, just follow my lead and act real cool.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper!

Hi, honey. What? What'd you say? I just said hi. Is that... Is that Bonnie's dress? Oh, yeah. Susie spit up on me, and I didn't want to go all the way home,

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend.

Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.

Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you. I can't... I can't do that.

You like this bus bench? I... It's okay. All right, that's good enough for me. I'm smashing it!

Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home? It's you? Are we already out of our own characters? What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole? Yeah. Well, now there's no trench. Great. Is there a hole? Yes. What?

Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first?

Thank you so much, Lois. No problem. Meg? Meg, sweetie? Yeah, Mom? Bonnie wants you to look after Susie and Joe while she's out of town. What? Why me? I don't want to have to do that. And Bonnie said you are very pretty.

You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill. Oh, thank God. (SIGHS) It's okay, Brian. It's not the first accident we've had in this house. Okay. One, two... Hang on, hang on, Brian.

Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake! They're real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever. So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street.

Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming. (LAUGHING) "We don't... We don't even know why she's coming." You are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second. Huh? (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Naomi.

MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to... Okay, I heard "pharmacy." Who's in the pharmacy? PETER: John Wayne! What the... Peter, you're not supposed to be in the audience. Get the hell up onstage. All right. Hey there, sir. Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you?

Topol? The smoker's tooth polish? Take the hint.

Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby." Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok. Really? Who's Debbie Miller? A girl I just made up.

Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here. I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years? It's great to see you, too, Lois. It really is.

That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good! Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad.

Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it!

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in. It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin.

Come on, into the garbage chute. She's right! Come on, Chewbacca. What, are you kidding? It's probably full of disease. I'm not jumping in there. Not even if I throw this pig's ear? Oh, come on, that's not fair. Go get it!

You do? Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it.

Please don't kill us! We won't do it again, honest! We'll be good, mister! We was just fooling around, is all!

I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding.

"Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you.

Nobody cares about me anyway!

Oh? Could Poopy Face Tomato Nose's nose be a plum?

Oh, Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these. The crowd is storming the field! This is Pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat? Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl.

Peter, come on! You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change.

"What is the most unattractive "male first name in the English language?" Keith.

I love you with all me heart. You do? Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you! Oh, Keep playing. I think this is as good as it's gonna get. Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either. Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say.

Uh-oh. What? Well, I hate to ask you this, Quagmire, but do you know how to change a diaper? Yeah, of course I know how to change a diaper. I saw Mr. Mom four times. (LAUGHING) That's not how you dry a baby. He has to do it 'cause his wife has the job.

Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey.

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

I know. Oh, Thank God! Oh! God, I was standing out there for, like, 10 minutes! Whoo! Boy, is that a load off! Hey Mort, Joe here's gonna be competing in the Special People's Games. Uh, You got anything that might give him A little extra juice?

Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.

So get ready, fuckers. (SNIFFING) Oh! That kung pao chicken smells good. You smell that, Brian? All I can smell is your ass. Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet. You'll never guess who it was.

I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.

(GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off. You're weak like everyone else. And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now. Stay away from me! Stay away from me! Stewie, no!

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is.

Look, Brian, Peter is a jerk. And as far as I'm concerned, it's either him or me. Shauna, come on, why you want to play a brother like that? I think I have my answer. You know what? I will have some of that. - What the hell is this? - Creamed corn. I brought it from home, because I don't like the creamed corn they have here.

Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go. That's why that little symbol with the two crossed arrows is up there in the corner. There's your problem. Oh, my God! I feel silly. But I can't do anything about it. My device has been destroyed. Well, I've got one of my own. I can use it to send you back.

Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING)

Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... Don't know... And now sports. That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement?

'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun (MOOS) I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun

Connie Demico is looking. So that's Toad Girl, huh? Yeah. And that's Connie. I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids. Oh, yeah? Watch this. No! eh...

Still alive! What's going on? We just got to the Sarlacc pit. What's that? It's this disgusting, horrible creature that's worse than anything you could ever imagine.

Lois, get in here! Shh. Meg's boyfriend. But there's... There's nothing wrong with him. Mom, where's my... Shh. (GASPS)

They're in town this weekend, and I thought we could all have dinner. Uh, sure. (STAMMERS) Are they driving themselves? If you're asking if they can see, yes. And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great.

Go--Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her.

Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY PLAYING)

- Shut the smurf up! - Yeah! Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it. - That is freaking smurf. - Yeah.

Well, I'm off to work. Ok, honey. One of our neighbors took that trophy, Lois, and I'm gonna find out who. I'm taking Stewie with me again. Fine, sweetie.

You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, they were boulders! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Cereals do change.

I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

You think so? Yeah, you bet. This is your shot, Brian. You can be a superstar author. All you got to do is make an impassioned anti-pot speech in public. Forget it, Carter! Even Stewie says the book is good enough on its own. Right, Stewie? (GROANING HESITANTLY) Maybe do a song about why pot is bad.

and they're willing to do it around me all the time, because they know I'm so cool about it, and I don't judge them. So, you know, go ahead... Well, here we go. Yup, that's what my friends say, too. "Well, here we go." Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too. I'm getting a context high.

(KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

That's it, Lois, you're fired.

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real. Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke. I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants.

(MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not.

you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift. You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter. Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized.

...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom. ...1940s roller skate left in the hall. ...death by chocolate... No, no, leave it in. ...had a heart attack and have slipped into a coma. KENNETH: Here we go. In that case, I leave control of my company, Pewterschmidt Industries, to my daughter Lois. What?

Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa. (KID SCREAMING) Future old people are wizards.

This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS) Meg, you got a minute?

Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower. The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides,

Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast!

We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

(CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy. (TIRES SCREECHING) (PLAYING VIDEO GAME) I thought I told you to clean up in here? And why aren't you dressed? We're supposed to have dinner with Judge Maynard and Timmy. Yeah, okay, as soon as I finish this level. No, get your coat on.

3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you. Here you go. Meet your new friends.

...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING)

Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois. What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own? That's insulting. And you know what? I don't like the way you've been talking to Rush this evening. You know, I thought you were my friends. But if you can't accept me now that we disagree about certain things, then maybe you aren't the friends I thought you were. I'm moving out.

Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke! Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore. Cigarettes are bad! Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice! It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air. And according to recent polls, air is good.

Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa.

Suffer! (EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

What a croc! And that's where we get the term. Hey, New Brian. Bad news. You gotta leave. Huh? What are you talking about?

So it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus. Would he succeed? Well, let's find out. Wait a minute, why the hell do you want to kill Santa? Because that fat bastard blew me off at the mall, and he shall not go unpunished. Now, let's go. I've got it all planned out.

Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..."

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE?

I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING) Stupid right wing dick. Yeah, you... Hey, you want to sign my book?

Oh, God! This is horrible! I can't watch anymore!

Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair. Look, Lois, it's in the Bible. What's in the Bible? I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes.

prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad,

Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter. ahh! Ahh!

Brian, we both know I touched it. Now if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers.

Then you will meet your destiny.

Watch me. DEATH: Thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in! You're not brave enough to take all your clothes off! Way ahead of you. I bet you're too chicken to spend a night at the old Selberg place. PETER: You mind stepping out of the way? Sorry.

Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft. Oh, your ears. Your ears are like dog ears. Oh, this couch.

Peter, don't! God, your hands are like ice! Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh!

Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?

Linda Evans, we have A spill in Aisle 9. Linda Evans, spill in Aisle 9. Do you like yours with crust or without? How do you like yours? Ok, Let's both answer at the same time. 1, 2, 3. Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home.

Oh, my God! I won. I won! My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter. What a feeling. This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese

It looks like you're out of roof.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you.

I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching. This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa. Why not? Because there's no such... Because when you get there,

We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night? Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. Oh, man, As soon as We got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. - Shut the smurf up! - Yeah! Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it. - That is freaking smurf. - Yeah.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Aw, did you guys just do the thing?

Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

Are you a pedophile? Hey, Lois told me there was some funny business.

and I get that, I do. But some of us are trying to sleep, and I could almost deal with the noise, but it's the cologne, all right? I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here. That's how powerful it is, okay? That's how powerful it is. You like it? Yeah, I kind of like it.

Happy birthday.

Time for dinner, sweetie. Very well, then. Take off your shirt. No, honey. No, no. Tonight we're gonna have formula instead. (EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.

I'm a freak. Well, Don't despair. Let's just hang a tire on the end of it, and head on down to the ol' swimmin' hole. Ok, Listen up. Connie Demico's house is 2 stories. Now, if we set up booby traps here, here-- How'd you get these blueprints? Oh, Your mother has her ways. She has her ways.

Yes, Mr. Griffin, even though no one else has any pillows now.

Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland.

and we go to church together-- Yeah? And you even manage to humiliate me there. WhoA, is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? We have a caller on the line. Go ahead. Yes, yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

I think I'm gonna be sick. Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II.

There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life up there. What a mess. I'm telling you, the Founding Fathers would be very disappointed in where their country ended up. Eh, it wasn't so perfect back then, either.

We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel!

Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all!

So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, is that right? Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill. Ah! But my character on The Good Wife is such a complete departure from Maryann. Ah!

Fare thee well, broccoli!

I am so bored. Hey, dog, when you take a break from re-applying your lipstick, how about taking me to the park?

Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine.

(CHOIR SINGING)

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest.

Yeah, yeah. And there was the guy with the mask who wore a mask.

Attention, please. Tomorrow is softball practice. We have a lot of work to do for Saturday's game. Let's not forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties.

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.

(SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay. Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years,

Mom, I look like an idiot! No, you don't. Come on. Just move your hips a little like this. Lois! Lois! LOIS! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Atta girl! Shake your money-maker!

Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love.

And forget gettin' lucky It falls off yeah, You better wise up 'cause I'm telling you toad is what Lando forbids Gotta give it all up

You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar...

All I gotta do is make a call.

How is this possible?

I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God. I need help! Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie. Nothing? W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah."

Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me!

How about a funny story about Lake Wobegone? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree.... Oh, no. Kids, your father's in trouble. I'm going up there. I'm coming, too, Mom. Oh, my God. The guy behind me braided my hair.

Hey, everybody, I'm home.

I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left.

It wouldn't be fair to the historical framework of the institution. But for those who do, and then turn their back on its long-standing convictions? Shame! This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome. Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut. Actually, you know something, Peter, this could be an opportunity for you. What do you mean?

Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that!

Jeff? What are you doing here? Look, I'm not supposed to see you. Your parents invited me. My parents? But they wouldn't--

They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

so I'm not sure what you want me to do. You could get a hair transplant. Oh, yeah. Like one of those guys pretending to get out of the pool. That looks all right. Yeah, come on, Quagmire. Get the hair transplant. Come back to us. You're right. This isn't me. Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads. There you go, that's pretty gross. Yeah, that's the spirit, Quagmire.

You 2, fight to the death! ay! Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been...

Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment.

So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland? Pretty good. I made a spaceship... Wait a minute. I'm not talking to you.

We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult. I know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, try. Yeah, okay, I'll try. - You want me to wipe your ass, too? - 0h, that's a helpful tone. I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing your powers a little bit, don't you think? Actually, this is all time that could be spent getting me my beverage. Hey, what are you guys doing? We got to get ready for your grandpa's 80th birthday dinner.

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop! Lois, what are you doing here?

Corn is always interesting.

All right, let's hurry up and find a way out! (GASPING) Well, well, it's quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem.

You know what else? Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles. Aren't we supposed to, like, heat it or something?

Hi, Brian. How are you? Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal? Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh! Okay, let's have dinner, huh? So, how did you guys get together?

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian.

A lot of people in the audience look pissed. Now, remember, Chris,

Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault. You can't vault inside the living room. You're gonna get hurt. Yeah. I'll get hurt right onto a Wheaties box. I don't see that happening. Yeah? Who cares what you say? You're a dog. You can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag. Commie.

aHh! My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago. Who cares? I'll bet nobody took the boat. Who could resist the call of the mystery box? YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat.

Dirty whores, all of you.

We got two Brians in our universe now. Don't worry. I don't plan to stay in Quahog. I'm gonna go out into the world and see what I can make of myself. I can be somebody here. And it should be easy for you because, I mean, what luck, you're white! You have no idea how big that is here.

(MOANING INCOHERENTLY) No freaking way. They have breakfast for dinner. Lois never lets me do that! (TOUCHTONES BEEPING) (RINGING) Lois, do you have any idea what I'm looking at right now?

thanks to this reenactment by the Quahog Opera Company. I love you, Nicole, but I must confess To some trepidation for I am a lonely waiter

For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom.

Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING)

It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush!

And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.

There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah.

- The drunk crooner? - That's Dean Martin. - The drink that's best served on the rocks? - Martini & Rossi. - The guy on The West Wing? - Martin Sheen. - The guy from Platoon? - Char|ie Sheen. No, no, the other guy from Platoon. - It's.... - Come on. Willem Dafoe. No, it's Tom Berenger. We were looking for Tom Berenger. Well, thanks for playing. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird

may be free you're just renting it from me Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time.

Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

They were all out of handicap that day, so I got retarded. Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire. Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah. You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw. Or insert them anally.

Well, wait a minute, what about that nice old man who lives up the street? Oh, yeah, maybe Herbert can watch the kids. He seems like a responsible guy. So it would only be till Monday, and we could pay you for it. Yeah, and it's real easy, I promise. I mean, you've spent time watching children, right? Yes, sir. Yes, I have. Wonderful.

Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot!

I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody?

One minute to opening, everybody. Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap?

I actually saw bullet wounds. You can't just take him places you want to go. He's a baby. Look, Lois, I think I know how to spend time with my own kid, all right? The bond between a father and son is sacred. I'm sorry, Jesus. But my house, my rules. Up yours, Joseph. You're not my real dad.

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is.

"He said hi to me today, and I almost died. "Also, I learned a funny lesson today in my pursuit of Kent, "anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL." BOTH: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes.

OFFICER: Hey! Get back here! (GUNSHOT) CLEVELAND: Ow! My arm! (PANTING) This looks like a safe place to rest. (DOGS BARKING) OFFICER: I think he went this way! Peter, close the card. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.

Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.

I have no interest in dating one of those shallow idiot celebrities who's only famous for being famous.

Every time I try to study, the evil monkey comes out of my closet and scares me.

He ain't got no legs. Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who.

But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts. Shut up. that's not it at all.

You came here to gloat about her contract cancellation anyway. Yes, but that was before I got a look at her face. I mean, she's a woman now, Brian. So sophisticated, so grown up, and she says she wants a grown-up man. But, apparently, that's not me. (SARCASTICALLY) You think so? (SPRING BOINGING) (LAUGHING) Who could forget that one?

You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg.

We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high?

It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I told you. Oh, my God. Oh, no, what happened here? We got into a little accident. It's all right. Oh, no. Well, I guess accidents happen when you least expect them. That's how come they call them accidents. Oh, look, you got the community events corkboard wedged in your grill. There, that's better.

Wow, that sounds amazing. It is. And the best thing about Montreal strip clubs is you're never the most pathetic guy in the bar. If you weigh 300 pounds, they'll hire a guy to sit next to you who weighs 350 pounds. And if you're a paraplegic? They'll have a quadriplegic. Or a bag of rocks with a bow tie. That sounds incredible. We got to go.

I'm taking him to the hospital. No, no. I got one last plan, Meg. Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family.

Toilet paper. I don't know what happened, Brian. Not having a government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we seem to have botched it all up. - Looks that way. - Wait a minute. There might be a way out of this. What? We just talk to the guy who got us into this. He'll know what to do.

Mr. James Carville. Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War! Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain.

I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns. Good morning, Brian. My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter? Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra. But I would do anything for you, Brian.

(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful!

Where did these things come from? They were Loretta's. Please take them, they are no longer funny to me. Go! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIGHS)

the beer room! Take a drink and you'll sink to a state of pure inebriation You'll be tanked

Tootie morphs into a stink bug. Joe, you're exactly the kind of man we need at our company. Peter, make yourself useful. Go get Joe a drink. Jeez, first he takes my friends. Then he takes my job. But the way I wear my hat... No, no. He can't take that away from me. You! How came you by this metal construct?

And the truth is, I suppose I kind of got most of it out of my system anyway. I love you, Lois. I love you, too, Peter. Is it cool if I tell your insurance that I gave you heart surgery?

(TYPING) Okay, now, the device is powered by kinetic energy, so you've got to dance to make it work. You, uh... Really? Yeah, you've got to dance. (LAUGHING) What are you doing, you tool? Do you know anything about science? You just saw me program it. (CRACKLING)

There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God!

Hey, guys, check it out. I peed my name in the snow. Jesus, Joe. That's normal. Wow, looks like the whole neighborhood's out here. Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out.

You are ready for your date. Yeah! That's a bed head. Yeah. Hey, look at you. You just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a lot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined. So, that's what that was. I mean, he was very nice about it.

You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! Play with this! At least you can spend your final moments doing something you enjoy. You know, it's funny, I had actually stopped playing with that toy,

Well, well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway. (CONTINUES LAUGHING) I'm going to pee in my pants!

I'll be back tomorrow for the $80. And I'm taking your welcome mat.

You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

You wake up and suddenly you're in love (WHISPERING) I'm taking you home with me.

Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.

(TIRES SCREECHING) I am so murdered.

it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell?

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas.

Daddy, no! Please! Please! She'll be all right.

Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Bill, how are you? Babs, come over here and say hi to Bill Gates. Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates. Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt. Well, this is a quaint little party you guys are throwing.

I do it for you Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes. Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.

Then Brian comes in And I change up the tempo Brian comes in and he changes the song Looking at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong Hey, Brian Why are you bringing me down, man?

Hi, everybody, I'm home! Hi, Chris. Hey, how are you? Well, tell us everything, sweetie. How's school going so far? It's great, Mom! I got powerful connections now, thanks to Grandpa. Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter.

What the hell is that creepy little thing? Well, I'm not Yoda. Okay, I'm Yoda. You're Yoda? You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force.

I knew this day would come. All right, Peter, here it is. About 40 years ago, I was vacationing in Ireland and I met a young rogue named Mickey McFinnegan.

Meg seems to think she's taking some kind of stand here, that's gonna make us all feel like we're inadequate. My God, you're condescending. I'm making a legitimate point about how poorly this family treats me. Brian, you can't say this family doesn't treat me like crap. Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up. (STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right.

So, did you let him have it? No. He let himself have it.

No. Time for some Tikka Masala. Doctor, I won't lie to you. I'm a little uncertain about this. That's perfectly natural, Mrs. Griffin, and you should ask as many questions as you can before you decide. So how's it work, Doc? You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd?

Listen, Lois, I--I really appreciate you putting your discomfort aside, so we could have the wedding here. Oh, please, I'm over all that now. Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew.

in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors. And in other news, they're bringing back Passions! Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome!

Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much. Please turn to hymn number 487.

Look, I see what you're trying to do, Lois. And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate. Oh, God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts. Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish.

Besides, without my nagging, you'd probably get yourself killed. Or laid. Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore.

There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking!

I mean, it's not even about the doing it part, but that's a part of it, but it's not the whole thing.

No, everything is not okay. Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this!

TIM GUNN: Joe, this is Tim Gunn. I agree with your friend. I got to get that guy out of my head.

There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years. (ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in.

See, Lois? I told you we had allies. Hey hey, Slobodan, you made it! I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw. It's made out of people! Just kidding. Hey, is Muammar here yet? Yeah. He's over there with Saddam.

Okay, okay, Bessie, now. Get yourself out there. Easy does it. (BRAKES SQUEALING) (HORN HONKING) Hey, come on, man! I got to get to work! And so do they, sir. Hurry it up! (HORN HONKING) Wait a second. Now get in line, you!

All right, I'm going to send you back five minutes after we disappeared in the time machine. If all goes well, the universe should be intact this time. Good luck, old friend. Hopefully, I'll be leaving you a future to return to. I'm gonna miss you, Stewie. Good luck. (MACHINE BEEPS)

Oh! Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go!

It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar.

Where are you taking this thing? Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138. You think you could get me a room by the pool?

You know, Nietzsche says we're doomed to live the same life over and over again,

Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops,

"Golly, Lois, where do you shop? "Gee, your house looks beautiful. "Hey, I have an inside-out penis."

There you boys are. How was your meeting? Twenty-nine more and we're done, that's how it was. That doesn't sound like the right attitude. Lois, you weren't there. It was awful. Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories. "My drinking ruined my marriage."

Now, you got to bring that out or else I have nothing to react to. Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

$675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

Hello How are you? - How's the folks? - What's new? I'm great That's good Ha-ha Knock wood - Well, well That's life What do you know? How's the wife? Got to run Oh, my - Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time. Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said. Far be it from me to call you a liar. Huh? Nothing. Nothing. See you next week.

Meg, you're so beautiful on the inside, but it's very important that you know your limitations. What do you mean? Well, I know they say "Reach for the stars," but if we all did that, there'd be nobody left here on Earth, right? I guess. (CHUCKLES) There you go. Chris, I have watched you grow from a little boy into the young man you are today.

This must be Fish Stench Cove. All right. Now all we got to do is find the fish. I wonder where that fish did go. A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest?

I just think she's done.

Hi, Stewie. Hi, um, Ah... Ugh. Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh!

Lois, you've made me happier than a pig among guinea pigs. All right, I think we're all in agreement. I'm in charge here.

...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

It's, like, the biggest thing in town. It's sold out. Then you are going to help me find a way to get in. Okay, okay, I'll help you. Excellent. Wait, you managed to hunt down eight dogs that were born years ago on a farm in Texas, and you can't manage to get Hannah Montana tickets? That's what I said.

Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?

Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday. Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you?

Brian, what happened to Peter? He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger. That's not the man I married. So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. What? Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party.

Meg, will you take one of these and pass it down, please? What's this? I'm starting a new advocacy group. The Quahog Animal Equal Rights League. Our first meeting is tomorrow night, and I'd really appreciate it if you guys would come and show your support. Well, of course we will, Brian. We'd be happy to come.

Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track? OH... Let's not do this. Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo.

(BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

maybe I could give him another chance. Really? Oh. wow! That's great news, Carter. You're back in! Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade in-the-same-room-make-outs. "Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club!

I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis. All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on.

Thelma. Hello, darling.

Whoa! Transvestite! Back off!

W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah." I don't have to...impress you.

Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot! Take your hand away. Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire. Oh, my God! A piece of your brain came out! Ah! Well, that can't be good! Well, maybe it's not so bad. I can feed it to my pet zombie. Here you go. Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya?

Who's gonna win this thing? You might as well give up now, Mr. Mayor. This dirt bike is mine. Like heck it is! (DIALING TONES) - Hey, check your phone. Why? I just sent you a picture of a kitten in sunglasses. Well, this I gotta see! Hello, cool kitty. Oh! And we have a winner!

Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back. STEWIE: Hmm. I think I have time for a quickie. (MACHINE BEEPING)

You sure it was such a good idea to cash that lottery check? It seems foolish to have all this money lying around. Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? (LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right! (WOLF-WHISTLING) Money! Whoo-hoo!

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

Okay, Brian, I'm here. Show me whatever it is you want to show me. All right, Lois. I'm going to prove that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzzwords, anyone can appear to be psychic. Even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic, and I'm getting a strong feeling from you.

All right! That's enough! I-- I mean, will you all excuse me, please? Stewie, did--did you unhook mommy's bra?

PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh!

That's all the motivation I need to actually do this.

Isn't this epic, Peter? That DJ has got some mad skills. Ugh, you think they sell Anacin at the bar? Come on. Get up and dance with me, Peter. This place is sick. Hells, yeah! It is the only rooftop pool in Providence. No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark?

Can I just show you? One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

Freakin' government. Giving all the good hoses to firemen. I want them hoses.

Hell, yeah. (WOMEN CHUCKLING) (I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women.

Hello, Griffin. Hello, Angela. You know, Angela, I've been thinking about it, and I want to have sex with you now. Really? Giggity. Yeah, but I want to just do it through my zipper, all right? I don't want to have to take off all my clothes, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body.

I don't want you to turn into a hilarious photograph. Dad, I know what you're trying to do, and I want you to stop it. Mom! What is it, Meg? Mom, tell Dad to leave me alone. I'm 18, and he keeps treating me like a kid. Peter, I told you not to push her about this Quagmire thing. If you push too hard, you're going to push her right into his arms. Well, what am I supposed to do?

Yeah, Our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how get us free cabLE. We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! You've got a weapons room, too? And look at the size of it. It's amazing! Yes, although sometimes I think it's too big. It takes the cleaning woman forever to clean it.

So, can I put it in my mouth? I guess. This is just an album! Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you. So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser.

Hey. Hey. (STAMMERING) What is it? I can't sleep. I'm scared of ghosts. Carter, there's no such thing as ghosts. Are you sure? Well, now I'm not. Come on, get in here! It's safe under here, right? I think so, but I'm not sure. I just recently started believing in ghosts.

Hey, Chris. What's that? Did you sit on something?

Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake and the guy wants to know how old Meg is. I didn't know what to tell him. You're asking me? Yeah, how old is Meg? Well, I don't know. Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were the one keeping track of that. No, no, I have no idea. Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday?

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

(SIGHS) I was hoping to keep these mementos, Rupert, but I can't risk it, with the dog sniffing around for evidence.

Never know when it's going to come up in conversation, and then who's the one who's prepared? I've also got a map of Middle-earth, a cat doing a pull-up, and the guys from Primus. These poster jokes doing anything for you? Eh, hit and miss. We should hang out more.

Yeah, but first you usually go over there and pull down that blonde waitress' top. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (SLAP) She screamed, so I had to slap her.

I love you. Why? Maybe I like fat guys. You do? Maybe I like having sex with fat guys. Yeah? Maybe I want to have sex with a fat guy right now. Well, maybe I want to have sex with an ugly, old broad! Peter! Gotcha! (LAUGHING)

And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I could not find the clock. (GROANS) But you got three of them on the wall over there. Yes, those are mine. Oh. Yeah, I need those. Uh-huh.

Well, how would you like to spend four hours desperately trying to give me a muscular soldier? What the hell, you weirdo? (LAUGHS) I'm just having fun. In fact, as I say to all the ladies, Giggity Giggity. You don't say that. I say that.

I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue

No, thank you. I just had it cleaned. No. Ah, Jeez. All set, sir.

Oh, my God. It's enormous.

But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it. (SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

(LAUGHING) (BABBLING)

Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach. Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out.

In order to get past the checkpoint at the toll plaza, we will need an American behind the wheel to arouse the least amount of suspicion. Sorry, can you repeat all that? I just had an itch right by my microphone. Microphone? He's wearing a wire. Hey, Joe, can I ask you a question?

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

Now let's get back to screaming at this child in a way that reminds all men why we can never be President. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Sorry, you're not allowed in here. Oh, yeah?

That wasn't a dream, Peter. He's here for the money. Aw, Brian, I'm screwed. If I welsh on that debt, I'm gonna prove to everyone that I'm not good enough for Lois. If I only had something worth that much money. I never should've dropped mean Joe Green's jersey.

It was suggested that I find a healthy woman who would consider carrying our child to term. And, well, Lois, that's why we're here. We were wondering if you would be our surrogate. Oh, my God. You want me to carry your child? Yes. What? All right, Peter, I don't know what this is about,

...what a cavity search is. You made my mom cry tonight, Doug. I don't think you're a very good friend. I am not gonna listen to you anymore.

to see You've got a lot to seE Brian, I've missed so much! I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!

Ha, I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning. Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm.

Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What? Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy. That's a good kitty. What the hell was that? Uh, Something near a window. Preferably a booth. Ugh! Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen!

You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka. Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine. Are you sure, honey? For God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without T.V.?

Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh? Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.

No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that. But, Dylan, my God! Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan. Dylan is gonna be staying with us for a while. Dylan, it's so nice to meet you. Shut up, bitch! Oh! He got you, Lois. No, no, no! Tracy can't do this. She can't just leave him here.

Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

Shoot your little baby Stewie.

(BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.

No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool.

Just stay away from my booze! It wasn't me, Brian. Well, if it wasn't you, who was it?

Oh, crap! All right. Let me handle this. You were going 65, fella. That's 10 miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand? We met on the Internet. Shut up!

Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama! All right, let's get this place cleaned up.

Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive

Oh, You speak English. No, Just that first speech. And this one explaining it. You--You're kidding, right? Que?

(SHARPENER WHIRRING) Clean that up.

But I think it's important for the last one of us left alive to know this story. The story of the Griffin family history. Here's how it all began. Everything started with the big bang. It was a Saturday night, and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. (CHUCKLING) You're going down, man.

with her sassy wisdom and speed-bag arm fat. Hmm. I guess at the very least, I could go talk to her tomorrow and see how I feel. Thanks for your help, Griffins. Brian, do you really think Loretta is beautiful? Absolutely. That's really how I feel.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births! Sorry, Doc. I-- I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kind of stuff. Wait a minute. Brian, You have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate? A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio. See? I can make up words, too, sister.

Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries.

Hi. I'm Michael. Michael! Michael!

And then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace I point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?" And stuck to the ceiling is the card that he picked earlier. Oh, I forgot to tell you, he picked a card earlier. Wow! You're an artist. Oh, thanks, you're nice. I screwed that up.

I say, this is more uncomfortable than having James Brady at a cocktail party.

PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!

I have no future! I'm just gonna wait in my room until I'm dead. I'll be in shortly. Peter, we've got to do something.

All right, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies, it's that the ex-wife always falls in love with her husband again after he befriends a little kid. Okay. And the kid needs to be really cute, so I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. (DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you!

Come on! Into the storm cellar! MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking. CHRIS: Wait, I think I found the lights.

Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter! Dad, you're pretty, like a girl.

Yeah. That always cracked me up. So, you read a lot, huh? Yeah, but I try not to let it interfere with my biomolecular research. Biomolec... I don't understand. Come on. I'll show you what I did yesterday. "It'll make you feel young as when the world was new."

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.

so big you can eat them like a hand fruit. Peter, everyone lies at those things. Just tell them you're a big shot. Wait a second, Joe, that's a great idea. Boy, imagine what it would be like to be a big shot. Diego? Sweaty. (MOANS)

Yes, you there. (GROANS) Yes, I have a question. Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this? That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria.

All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them! Peter, what are you doing? Just--Just stall them, Lois!

Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke. I see your bet, Carter. And I raise you C.N.N.

I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period. This court will now come to ordER. Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

What are you doing here? Loretta's mom was hankering For a snack, so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits.

I love you both. So, sorry. I'll always love you.

And now I'm the bad guy.

well, I gotta go help my daddy bring in the mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance, Chris.

Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha! Very well. But I am not really your father, Ha ha! ah!

Okay, Brian, watch. Here comes my big part. Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family. (GRUNTS)

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Oh, it is so good to see all of you. How is everything at home? Oh, It's horrible, Lois. I've had to do all the things that you usually do. Like the other night, I had to go to your book club meeting.

You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs. Yeah, they're not selling very well. Peter, dinner! No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls.

Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that.

(GASPS) Holy crap! Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Carter, you work too much as it is. You're not a young man anymore. You need to slow down. Slow down? I can't slow down. I'm running a six-billion-dollar company. If I slow down, the company goes under. It just seems to me that perhaps it's time to think about retirement. Never! Retirement's for old people.

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money. Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head.

Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman.

Oh, wow, you are definitely not afraid of dessert. You know, I wish I were secure enough to throw on any old thing and call it an outfit. Come on, you have so much body confidence. I mean, who wouldn't with those strong legs? So muscular. I'm jealous of how thick with strength they are. Hey, I like your tie. Thanks.

Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter. Well, well. Do you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm.

There are tracks! People make tracks!

Well, I just got off the phone with Hope,

Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries. Uh, if--If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? 'cause, you know, i--I don't wanna be the only one eating them. I'll feel like a fatty.

(GROANING) (SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.

We're both in college, and we consistently make the Dean's List.

Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me!

Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success. Please Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins. Oh, No, I learned my lesson. Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish!

Damn it, Peter! Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year? Oh, A peace offering is it?

QUAGMIRE: Hey, what's going on? You guys up to something? Shh. Kids, don't move. QUAGMIRE: (TURNING KNOB AND KNOCKING) Hello?

He 's a family guy So, this is awkward, but... have we ever actually, you know, met?

Oh, my God! Oh, my god! oh, my God! Oh, my God! I--i--I don't know what happened! It's okay. It's okay, Senator. This girl didn't have a family. It'll be like she never existed. Now grab ahold of yourself. All right. Now--Now, listen. You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat.

Ooh. There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're cool." Joe, I think you're cool. Well, thank you, Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work. "No, just kidding, you suck." No, just kidding, you suck. STEWIE: "Queer." Queer. (SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

Lois, what the hell are you doing?

But I feel like my gazpacho is too thick. Are you kidding? It's refreshing and filling. You know, next time I'd put paprika in the potato salad, and maybe add an extra tomato to thin out the gazpacho, because it's very thick. Who the hell is this bitch? Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this.

No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day. (CHUCKLES) Yes, that's a very smart joke. Isn't that right, comedy professors? (MURMURING IN AGREEMENT) PROFESSORS: Well done. Indeed. Now, what do you want?

Peter, you're one of my closest friends. Are you telling me that you have a problem with me being handicapped? As a matter of fact, Joe, yes. I think it's immoral. It's a lifestyle choice you're forcing on America. We handicapped are a proud people!

...One little fight... ...scared... ...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless.

Oh, my God, look! It's Joyce Kinney from Channel Five.

Think about that while I get myself a drink. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Ah! It's right up here past this clearing.

I still can't believe they're gone. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Well, I'll be the one to say it. What are you gonna do about the baby? Let's keep it for parts! You know, Lois, you're not a young woman. Odds are that baby's gonna be chromosomally damaged,

(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Hi, Dad, it's me. Just wanted you to know I got here safe. And sound? Yes, Dad, and sound. Oh! Good. The "sound" is what concerns me.

You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die!

(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS)

Gotcha! To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox.

Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? Yeah, I did it.

My God! Is that Meg?

The British are a lovely people. Not physically, of course, but inside. And Nigel has a very sweet little daughter. Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise? It's me! Eliza Pinchley.

Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh? Ah!

Brian, what are you doing? Oh, Hi, Lois. I was just washing some things. Those look like our sheets and our quilt. They are. I'm washing them in some fabric softener, because last night they were so itchy I couldn't sleep, that's why I was downstairs when you asked if everything was ok, and I said I couldn't sleep.

Craig T. Nelson! Are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. Make it quick.

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage!

Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No. Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off. Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom!

Hey, I recognize you from the television. You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here! Oh, wow! Diane Simmons!

And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend... - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire? And there you have it. Coming up next, watch me shave. Peter, you're all right! I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life.

You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad. No--No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late. And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away.

why don't you just suck the fat out? Look, If you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest. I'm talking about liposuction. My brother Broderick's a cosmetic surgeon. Is--Is he good?

Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

(IN MECHANICAL VOICE) Destroy. Destroy. I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body. Well, we thought of that. PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no!

All right. You ready to go home now? Are you kidding? This is amazing. Can we see more universes? Hmm. Well, I haven't tried yet, but I don't see why not. Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

Boy, this feels really weird, Lois. I know. But maybe the doctor's right. This time apart could be good for us. Ah, I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man.

Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon,

and I think we've got a better chance of beating them if we go up the South Face. Oh, we don't need a map, Brian. I got us a GPMS machine. WOMAN'S VOICE: Go up. What do you think? Just go up. Sorry. Okay, can everyone just stop freaking out and just give me, like, two minutes? (CRYING) God! Everyone's always yelling at me.

So, what? I had sex with you for nothing? No, Peter, I... It's just that directing this show is a big opportunity for me and I don't want anything to ruin it. Ruin it? Yes. By not using you to your full potential. You have too much talent for the stage. You should, uh... Be, uh, you...

Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS. All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls. Now give it a little gas.

Goodbye, Meg. I'll always value your friendship. I love you, Mayor ChapStick. (BRIAN CLEARING HIS THROAT) (GASPS) Brian? What are you doing here? I, uh, just wanted to give you this. I don't think I'll be needing it anymore.

So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

So it's just not working out, me being a father. And that's why I'm wondering if you and Lois would be willing to adopt the baby. Oh, boy, Quagmire. I don't know that we can do that. We can barely take care of the two we have. Now, now, this is just a suggestion. Just throwing it out there. Have you considered abortion? Peter, I think it's too late for that. Don't let the press put the scare into you.

No! Don't listen to him! That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing! Here I go, down the slope. Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob.

but Daddy's got some connections over at CBS, and I think he could help you get this on TV. That's amazing, Lois! Thank you! Oh, I am very proud of you. My God! A TV pilot. Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler did after he wrote Mein Kampf.

This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once.

Why is the ironing board still out?

London in wartime. This is history right here, Brian. And look, there's Winston Churchill! Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit. Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

- Moo. - Louder!

So it would only be till Monday, and we could pay you for it.

And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me.

No, Lois, he was a wet blanket. And I'm starting to think you might be right. Brian's getting old. He's not the dog he used to be, and I'll have to get used to it. Just like I got used to my acrylic nails.

Peter, what are you doing? If movies and TV have taught me anything, it's that young people today are constantly being antagonized - by preppy '80s bullies. What? What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian?

They're-- They're-- They're cracking... They're cracking up over there. Okay. Oh, yeah. Look who's snickering over there. Mr. I-can't-do- a-suicide-bombing- because-I'm-sick. He had a-- He had a note. MAN #1: He got you. MAN #2: He's so bad. He had a note from his doctor. He brought a note from his doctor. It's a suicide bombing. MAN: It's true. What are you... Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Here we go.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up!

Is there any chance you could cover me for the ticket? Let me see how much I have. Good news! I have just enough. ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) Now departing for Providence. Hey, did you guys see O? No, that seemed lame. You know, the other you was a lot more fun.

Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone.

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.

Well, At least I have my books. No. No, that--that-- That's Not fair!

Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery.

I got you, you freshman. I'm going to teach you the lesson that it is not okay to be a freshman.

So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me,

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy?

You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on?

Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!

It was A gLorIous summer in Oxford when I met Freddy Cavendish, a most remarkable young man, whose friendship would change my life forever. You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar.

Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles. If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.

"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops! Hey, excuse me, fella? Yeah, what do you want, shrimp? Just a few moments of your time. Hang on. Let me just get this little guy assembled. (HUMMING) So where you from? Newburyport. What's it to you?

(SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

you're gonna feel smaller than my eye floaters. (GASPS) There's one now! I can never look at it dead on, it's always trying to get away. Hey, eye floater! Hi! Hey, hey, where are you going? Away from your pupil. Well, maybe I'll look over here! I'll go over here! You've got an answer for everything, don't you?

Turns out my name's Joe Swanson, and I found this police uniform in my closet. Do you know what that means? I'm a stripper!

All right, Dad! Hey, Dad. Thanks. Mom, if you get elected to the School board, can you fix it so I win Homecoming queen?

- Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot. Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank. Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further. That's more like it.

What do you mean you found the Lord? I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my savior. It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden.

Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man. Alyssa is all alone. She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. What? Kick them around? Um, wait. Yes.

Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Uh, Connie, let me handle this. I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come. There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of. Hey, Chris, come on! Let's corner the nerds and call them gay and make them show us their penises! (CHUCKLES) Won't that be gay of them? (LAUGHING) Yeah! (LAUGHING) That is grotacular! JOCK 1: Way to go, man. CHRIS: Awesome, bro.

Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

So, what happens now? Will you just anchor the news by yourself? I suppose, for the time being. Well, that's kind of exciting, right? (CHUCKLES) You sound like my mother. She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast. I guess that's sweet, huh?

I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum. In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts.

Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please!

Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.

Meg, you're here early. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work. Well, thanks. What's with the getup? Nothing. I just wanted to look sexy for Susie.

He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you?

You're cute. Done. As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us. I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? (BOTH LAUGHING)

Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine. Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stuart Masterson. Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her, "'cause she could be your brother" kind of thing. Like, she's gettable, you know? Like Elisabeth Shue. - Oh, I remember her. - Yeah.

Excuse us. We're having a small problem with home security. Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode? Land mines? Land mines. It was land mines. Quagmire. Peter.

You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume.

(SIGHS) Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this.

I'm the one who knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town. And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out!

Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever.

You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting oh, Lois. Here comes the best part. I want to rock and roll all night and have a wonderful time Is that it? Oh, No, no. It's, uh,

But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call, like your father who shall remain namelesS. Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS!

It was even better than the time I stumbled into that fat, lonely women's club. Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass?

Oh, cool! Hey, I got a great idea. How about we ride around with you and steal beer from teenagers? I don't know, you guys. This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week? (CRYING LOUDLY)

Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't you?

BRIAN: Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian. I know why you're retiring, Griffin!

(FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart.

And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the "oodmay" but Brian won't "amscray." - Peter... - Ok, Ok, Ok. Look. The point is, he's a member of our family first and a dog second. And I'm real sorry I forgot that, buddy. Sometimes we all need a second chance.

but I think I might have left the weed whacker on.

Well, then, how about a dozen scarves? (SINGING)

You should have been here, man. Those were the shows. Oh, looks like somebody made a friend. I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor.

Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims. Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you!

Hey, there, cutie. Oh, hey. How's it going?

(GRUNTING) Her airway's jammed. Come on now. Just like that. I need some gravitational help. Oh, no! Her clothes are constricting. As are mine!

And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask. No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.

You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

making the sides opposite both of the acute angles A and B Will always equal the sum of the squares of the other sides. Any questions? It's just something I have to do.

Oh, You just want your toy back.

at all BravO! Brian, that was beautiful! Thank you! No, no, No, thank you. And--And that note you gave me, "louder," huh, I was--I was thinking that, and then you said it. You are so intuitive-- Ok. Ok. all right. Next!

Oh, come here, sweetheart. Wait, Peter. There's something you should know. I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but I got remarried. What?

You know, I always thought he was sexy. yes! I am all about Larry over here! Um, On Sundays we generally catch the early-bird special here at The Lobster Shanty. Uh, Fresh seafood, good prices.

I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it. Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

I've tangled with the likes of these before. Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus. Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there.

Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to you!

Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you. Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. Wasn't gonna jump?

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN) It looks like nobody's home. Hey, these look like handcuff-and-shackle keys. How do you know that? (CHUCKLES) These are handcuff-and-shackle keys. Hey, it worked!

When I walk into Superstore USA, I get the sensation that I'm standing on a mountain top with the wind blowing through my hair!

I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover. Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse? You know what I hate about flying?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. (LAUGHS) I mean your daughter's in a coma. Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter. Oh, my God, Peter.

All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING CRAZILY) (BABBLING)

Victory is mine!

Look, I love my wife more than anything in the world. Can you please shoot me instead of her? Such tenderness and love on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. Why don't I just call off the hit? Oh. Yeah, That could work.

I'm finished. I'm done. It's over.

Chief, this just came in for you from Officer Swanson. A Starbucks gift card? This has been an unproductive use of my time. Okay, I got it. Joe can't investigate if he's distracted, right?

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why?

All right, I'll talk to him, Lois, but, you know, when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.

Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts? He's half your size. I--i know--i know--I know. But check this out. Hey--Hey, Carol. Say, Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

where no one would ever think to look... Oh, boy. ...and just shoot it. Awkward. You know, like so far in that no one can hear gunfire... A little on the nose. ...or screaming. I don't think so, Peter. Jeez, it's like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him. He's acting all crazy like Quagmire when he drunk-dials me. (PHONE RINGING)

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off. It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods?

As that him? Yeah! Oh, crap! Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.

(SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

Don't you want me to stay young and exciting? Well, I thought I did. I mean, every guy who's been married a while thinks he wants a hot, young chick, but after you spend an hour with one of them, you want to blow your brains out. But, Peter, I was just doing this to make you happy. You do make me happy, Lois. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. That's sweet.

PETER: Hey, you know how the judge told us not to make up our minds beforehand? Let's make up our minds. MAN: Griffin, shut up! PETER: Hey, I know the judge said not to run in the hall, but check this out! (PETER LAUGHING) JUDGE: Griffin! Knock it off! PETER: Hey, come on, Judge. Tell us the answer. The Mexican guy did it, right?

Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

(STUTTERING) I know. Fine, fine actor. Did not like the movie. - Why not? - Did not... Couldn't get into it. Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it? - It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know, I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie.

(ALL SCREAMING)

and we're gonna see whose is bigger. Doesn't really seem fair. All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway.

Yeah, I would know if you were using me. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit. And you know why I did it? Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick.

Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea. Well, I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there," but then you fold in the side-view mirrors and sure enough, "Well, look at that." Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car. Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.

(CRYING) Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it. But Brian, I love you! (LOUDLY SOBBING) Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!

Hey, I need more cheese puffs, manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? $100,000. Pretty good, huh?

Well, I promise you, my husband will have a talk with Quagmire. Won't you, Peter? Peter? Mr. Griffin, don't touch that. That's the school PA system. (LAUGHING) Attention, student body. You will now listen as I attempt to swallow this microphone. LOIS: Peter! (PETER GRUNTING) (LOIS CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)

That's what America wants to see. The simple love within a family that conquers all and makes life worth living. What if I'm a cop and the chimp is my reincarnated partner? Yes! That's perfect! See? That's relatable! How the hell is that relatable? And maybe, the monkey is also my roommate.

Maybe I wanted to talk. I guess wanting it more than anyone just wasn't enough. H-hey, You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there. That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found, everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. But What I did was wrong.

Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.

What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh? I never slept with Francois.

Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago. Why, it's wonderful to meet you. We've heard so many nice things. Yes, indeed. So, how long have you been a prostitute? No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt.

Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad. I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian.

(BONES CRACKING) Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.

Yeah, it's the blue sedan. No tips, sir. Ah, Nice kid. Well, I think I handled that pretty good, but--but I would like a second opinion. Hmm. Here it is. Oh, my God! Our car! Oh, man. Am I glad I caught you.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I got to hear David Mamet curse in person. Oh, there you are.

There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes. - It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey.

Peter, Chris is already overweight.

(GROANING) Bitch. Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that.

Now look at me.

How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal! Aw, jeez, This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois! ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh... I'm gonna ask someone for directions.

What are you talking about? We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories. He's cool, Dad. He killed a guy. Well, technically he was killed by the state, but funny story. He did curse my name just before the injection. Peter, what's the matter with you?

Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Was that for Party oF 5, too? No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party oF 5?

a $64,000 Bar, a Notafinger and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disc. God, I hate television. Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame? Uh, well... You see... We...

Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here. Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!

(LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that?

- She's getting beat! - No, she's getting mad. You ain't so tough, young man. That all you got, you son ofa bitch? You're going down, young man. You're going down!

(ARGUING) What the hell? All right, looks like we's gonna be here a while.

I've been thinking about us. And i--I just don't think it's working out. (STEWIE) Oh, my God. No way. you--You wanna break up. Why? I--I just don't think you're the right woman for me. (STEWIE) Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch.

Well, I hope you can, Sharon.

(DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...

What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with. That wasn't me. Stewie was really laying into Meg about something. Yeah, it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie. Oh, so now everyone understands me.

Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard. (SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying.

Let him join your poker game tomorrow night? Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh, Sean Hayes... Oh, You get the picture. - Please? - No! Ok.

in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans? So, remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good. Spit in my mouth.

It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary. My thoughts exactly. Ugh. Ahh. I've got you in the sleeper hold!

The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits. Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event,

Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses. See you on the softball field.

Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid.

You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. It's about pissing off Daddy. That's right. She's got a lot of problems. - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter. - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question. Well, I should probably get out of these robes.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nah. It's too much, too much. (BEEPS)

This is what high-def was invented for. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Being a good dad like you asked. I've been watching Jolly Farm with Stewie for the last three hours. That's not Stewie, that's a pineapple. Oh, my God, where is Stewie? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fine. Peter, he's a baby. You can't leave him alone.

I had the advantage of thinking about this for years. For me, it was easy. Do I want to be happy the rest of my life or miserable? So now you're happy, and I'm miserable. I see. I'm sorry you feel that way.

(CAR APPROACHING)

For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

(BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy! We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate Can I see that pamphlet, siR? Oh. My God, this house is freakin' sweet

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

They could've gone with Plan "B."

- You're going down, Brady! - You're the one who's going down, Griffin! What the hell? - Those men are tremendous in stature. - And they're coming straight at us!

Any questions? Yeah. Is there someone from the military we can talk to? A man, perhaps? Sir, Rebel ships are coming into our sector.

You have a dead bird in there? What are you gonna do with that? I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me. Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch? Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing. Already paid for the meals. And if I want to return this sweater, we've got to get to Wyndham's by half 6:00. Half 6:00? Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund. I love it, but I feel like it was too much.

My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here.

Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace.

...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

We're not getting enough customers. This place is like a ghost town half the time. Yeah, maybe somebody should have asked me. After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience. All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now. What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why. Really? You don't know why?

He was just trying to help out his friend. You see, his wife left him and he's been kind of lonely... confused about what he really wants. - What's your name? - Brian. Congratulations, Brian. You're gonna be on The Bachelorette. Really? You're sure you don't want to reconsider my friend? Let me see. Oh, that ain't bad!

Bottle of Jack Daniel's, please. Here you go. Thanks. What's this? That's your gun. Buy some liquor, get a free gun. Is that, like, a special you have on now or something? Nope, Texas state law. You have a nice day now. State law?

Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes. Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face. Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS)

He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going?

Suck on that? Suck on this. Tic Tacs have only one-and-a-half calories. Well played. I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.

Take it outside, Lois.

God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

The kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, guys. I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

It'd be so great if we were at least living together. Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. Either he commits to you, or you're gone. What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! Well, I think you should, Brian. She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide.

You're gonna love being famous, Meg. And this is the town to do it in. I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do? Everybody's good at something. It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...

We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest. We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off. Well, well. Finally, a true test of my abilities. You came to the right place, Joe. I'll psych that guy out for you. Peter, you can't do this. All right, I mean, it's one thing to take money from a bunch of suckers,

I can thrill a girl or 2 But I'd rather get it on with you

- That feels so good. - Oh, yeah. Hello. Like that? - (MOANING) - Oh, baby. I thought about this all day. (BOTH MOANING)

I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full.

Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely. Yeah, those are cooking just fine.

I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too. Thank God you guys are okay! Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson!

I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once, you're going to stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you.

You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help!

Hey, guess what? What? That's what. No, but seriously, there's something I want to talk to you about. Sure, Zac. Anything for you. You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome!

Okay, now, we gotta make sure we've got all the provisions before we head up to base camp. 'Cause I don't think there's gonna be a Star Market halfway up the mountain. (LAUGHING) Oh, Mom. That's our local market at home.

- STEWIE: Dude, that was painful. - What are you doing here? Did you follow us? Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here? Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'm gonna have to break it off. But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin.

Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home.

It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God.

I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God!

Here we go. Ah, Peter, isn't she beautiful? Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night.

The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie. All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING) It's a boy!

Oh, boy. - What's the matter, Glenn? - Nothing. Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you.

All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations. Thanks, Regis. REGIS: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show." So, we need five consonants and a vowel. Oh, okay. Um... "Z." Four.

But tonight is our sex night, and a little physical release will do us both some good. Peter, are you... Oh, come on! Lois, I know it's late, but, me and the guys, we're going beekeeping. Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you? Whoa, someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast. I don't need honey, Peter,

You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You got to save him! Peter, you need to let go.

(EXCLAIMS) Well, there's only one thing to do now. Go to plan B. Mom! I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin. I have no idea what got into my son.

Hey, you, porker. Yes, I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort. Hey, you, drunkie. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm-- Ahh!

I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy? Hi, Lois. Hi.

Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night. Keep it down. Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with a lead pipe. Peter, I'm not sure I'm comfortable having this wedding at the house. Lois, I don't know what the big deal is. So they're gay.

(STATIC ON RADIO) Peter, you've been fiddling with that ham radio for seven weeks. Take a shower. I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing. So far, the only station that comes in is some British guys reading news from places I'm not sure exist. NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan,

I could afford to produce a movie with B+ stars in a not-so-expensive location. ANNOUNCER: Jeff Bridges and Laura Linney in Danger In Cincinnati. We've got 24 hours before those terrorists set off that new type of bomb that makes an invisible explosion. What are we gonna do? Let's get back to headquarters.

Wait. Is it? Hey, hey, fatty, wake up. What the... What happened?

I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just... You complete me, you know that? You just make me want to be a gayer man. Oh! Come here. And you don't miss your wife at all?

on A mountain high

was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

Tell you what. Go up to my jewelry box, take my gold jewelry, melt it down, make it into bread and feed him that. That good enough? Gold bread good enough for your Dylan? Hey, everybody! Look who's back to pick up her son. This isn't The Price Is Right. You said we were going to The Price Is Right.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening. That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass.

(YAWNING) I think I'm gonna take a nap. What, here? Yeah, I had a giant mobile put in the sky so I can sleep wherever I want. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) This is nice. I hope that bear comes around soon. That's sort of my... Oh, look, the bear!

"a paper clip, and a drinking straw. "Please save my dog."

I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob.

Thanks, Mr. Quagmire. Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg.

Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch! (SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you.

Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats. And it plays a tune that's fun for the young children. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta

Peter! Peter! there's--There's so much doody in here. I ca-- I can't take it anymore. I haven't eaten in 4 days 'cause I-- 'Cause--'cause I... I just can't fit any more in there. Help me.

I want you to wear me like a pinky ring. Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom. Okay, how about "bathtub"? (ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom.

You know, I don't believe that. I don't believe that that's a real conversation when I hear it. People don't talk like that, Meg. Ooh! What if they just bought a new wood stove? And Red Heinie Monkey says, "Boy, it's so hot in here because we just bought that new wood stove and..." BOTH: "...we're sweating, and our hands are all slippery, "and that's why we can't get the card house to stay up!"

(SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster?

Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady? Permission granted, sir. Be as loud as you can. I want the kids to know we still got it. Oh, yeah!

Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw. Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Ah, there you are, boys. Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter.

Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend... Jerome? Loose Lois?

We didn't order no room service. Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar. 'Cause, uh, The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers. All right, wise guy, who are you? Look, I'm just a faithful Catholic man with a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve.

That's how it works!

Lower. On top of old Smokey

CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Crossing China, too Me and you Dancing in the street That happened, and we all let it happen.

Yes, I'm sure we're all looking forward to that.

Oh, Wow. Imagine, me, president. I'll do it! So how did it go? I--i--I'm not finished yet.

And the other night, I had to do a... Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night.

Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton,

Yeah. No thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire. Wonder what the hell happened to them. BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu,

Yeah, Next one's coming for your head! Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent! Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face,

Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up. I did good!

Hey, Brian. Where were you last night, buddy? Oh, I was... I was out. I got a little wrecked after dinner, and I didn't want to drive home. Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"?

We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I

(LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS) Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity!

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

Hey! I was playing with that! Hey, come back here! All right. You asked for it. (PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again.

I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go. Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

It's one free round of golf with a famous celebrity. Wow! Who's the celebrity? I'll give you a hint. Famous football player. Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno. Wait a minute. Chuck Connors? He was a basketball player and he was in Roots. Yeah, he wasn't in The Towering Inferno, you dumb beaver.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

If it's the only way, I must. (GUN SHOT)

It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars. What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man.

Of course, I miss you. Well, how does the supermarket run out of parsley? I'm as angry as you are.

I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

(WE GO TOGETHER PLAYING) We've been up here for four days. Why did you drive the car into the air if you didn't know how to get it back down? Look, Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time.

Peter, Stewie is on the roof. Nick Jonas is so cute. - Hey, Peter. - Yeah. Pillow fight! You bastard! (ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, great. You gonna drop some weight, fat ass? No, dummy. I'm gonna help make this a fat man's world by establishing the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People. This is the best idea I've had since I slayed that dragon. - Cybill Shepherd? - Yes. (UNSHEATHING)

A farm with big open fields, Brian, where you can just run and run and be free and no one will ever hurt you. Doesn't that sound wonderful, Brian? Are you ready to go to the nice farm? No! No! You'll never take me alive! Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

Oh, my God! Is she dead? No, I think she's still alive-- No, that did it.

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me.

Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter. I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit. Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you.

Screw you, fish. Oh, I miss you so much. But I promise, one day I'll see you again, Captain Caveman.

Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face! In my face! In my face!

Don't touch me down there ALL: Hey there, fruity You're gay and I don't approve ANNOUNCER: And many more. You know, I'm sick of looking at that. What? That empty space!

Oh, horror You have betrayed me Al Cowling said it would be so Kato! I didn't see a thing

What? I have to tell you about the future! On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael. I have to tell you about your future. Peter, Stewie is on the roof. Nick Jonas is so cute. - Hey, Peter. - Yeah. Pillow fight!

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die!

Oh. Hey. Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her--

(ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs! Another train!

The New Yorker? You'll fit in there as well as I did at Woodstock. Excuse me. It's been brought to my attention that a few bad apples out there are smoking marijuana. I've got news for you, my friend. Marijuana's illegal. (CROWD JEERING) Not cool. All right then.

Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la.

I don't get that one!

Ok, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh. "Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like a crumpet? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like to wear knickers? "I would, because I'M WiN--" My wife is very ill! Yes, do you mind?

Gentlemen, we have a problem. There's an anti-smoking bill before congress that could put us out of business. Yes. Apparently causing cancer is this year's "hot button." I don't understand it.

I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy.

You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You think I care about you? I don't. Yes, you do. I know you do. I don't really care.

No, you can do whatever you want. Come on. Okay, if everything worked properly, this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are.

TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11. How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there. TOM: This major breaking news just in.

"But this is our oil." "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile." "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics! You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break! ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them.

It doesn't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy, grab a girl Everywhere around the world

"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles.

Damn it, I hate these new stairs!

Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died. (HISSING) (SCREAMING)

Look, I love my wife more than anything in the world.

Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.

Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND) Lois, you know what we should do right now?

Okay, okay, ready? Here goes. I'm a female. I have a high voice. I have reproductive organs inside of me. And I buy groceries.

And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING) (SCREAMS)

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts.

Tea, sir? Oh, thank you, Crone. You're so pleasant. - Would you like to check on the race, sir? - Yes, why not? (SCREAMING)

We need to take risks. We need a complete overhaul. Gentlemen, you're all fired. (ALL GASPING) What? There, now that I've got your attention, you're all fired. Peter, what the hell is going on? You fired everybody at Daddy's company? You bet. Are you out of your mind?

But I don't want to have to be a good son again for a long, long time. Peter, open the door, and break out the schnapps! Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend? Mom? Oh, my God, no! Quick, everyone! Into the pod!

I take baby home.

" tried to tell you. This is my spot now, Brian. Oh. I see.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill. Oh, thank God. (SIGHS) It's okay, Brian. It's not the first accident we've had in this house. Okay. One, two... Hang on, hang on, Brian.

Did you see the mob? Did I see the mob? Why else am I here?

Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING) You think he's dead? No, no. He'll be back on his feet in no time,

When the time comes, you'll know. Damn it!

(CHUCKLING) Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man. (CHUCKLING)

That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it? I'll tell you, Bob. I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

(THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless.

It'll be fun. Sure. Why not? Okay, dear. Close your eyes and clear your mind. Okay. I'm seeing something. Joe, you were an octopus. Yes! Yes, this is so awesome! Damn it!

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO) You're there. You're there! I couldn't hear you. The radio was too loud. (SWITCH CLICKS) I'm going to bed.

Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better. Number three, number four. Number three.

Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

All right, I know how to settle this. Whoever wants the money raise your hand! Ho! Ho! You're smarter than I thought. Give yourselves a round of applause. Damn! Yeah. Honey, I'm gonna be A little late tonight. I've got a hooker coming over.

As there going to be any nudity? Yes, I get naked. You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant?

Brian, have you decided who's gonna star in your show? Well, it's a tough role.

PETER: Don't worry, we can fly.

Okay. No, I am your father. Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects... What? Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! You know? I mean, it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as, you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know?

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell.

Are we really buying fish at the same place we buy tires? And, what... "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player? Stewie, this sweatshirt is so sophisticated. Look, it says "New York." People will think I'm from there.

Yes. I'm calling about the ad in the paper. You seen my dog? You calling about my dog? He's all I got because I'm a young street tough and my parents ain't so good to me. So, have you heard anything? Did anybody see anything or anybody? I can see Old Reggie now, sitting there with a smile on his face,

Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there.

People are gonna be sorry they didn't come. They're gonna... This was a good night. Carter, as your boss, I'm ordering you to pay a compliment to this sharply-dressed Asian man. You look very nice. What else? What about my shoe? They're nice, too. How you think my house smell?

Lois, I took your advice and picked a new religion. - I'm gonna be a Mormon. - A Mormon? Are you sure? Come on. Nailing a different wife every night? That's a no-brainer. Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy, the checkout girl from the Korean market. Nancy, our postal carrier. And you know Tiffany,

Uh... You called me, right? Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, And people don't stare.

Sure. All we gotta do is get you A little fixed up. you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean-- shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you.

i say! It's 4:00. Away with you! Stewie! Change it back! Forget it. Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pabulum for children with not enough to do. Hey! Shut up! Wakey-wakey, children.

But no big deal. People make that mistake all the time. Oh! Right. You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back. Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right.

and I might answer most of your questions with a story, but mostly, my mustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open, and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones. Ew! That's the ugliest thing the fat man's grown since that horse leg. Hey, Peter, have you seen my... Ah!

Can I get stamps, too?

Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.

Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run! PETER: And so they set off on their escape to the North. Luckily, they were helped by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings, who showed up on his trusty white bronco. But the law was hot on their trail.

(MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff.

Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR. Let's go throw up. - Sure! - Good idea! Hey, I love throwing up. Hi. I'm Jennifer. Uh, I'm Meg.

and Ted just walked out on her. Whoa, whoa! Back it up. Back it up. You have a sister? I promised her I'd be on the next train. Poor Carol. All alone in that big house. Wait a minute. Carol, Carol... Is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table? - Yeah. - Yeah, I Better come with you. Really? Well--Well, that's a surprise. Oh, Come on, Lois. When have I not been there for you?

Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, ok? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. What's that, Peter? Nothing. Oh, The lost-my-job smells great. What? Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence?

Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls. Stewie, this is gonna sound crazy, but I have a theory about what's going on with Carter. Really? What is it? Well, think about it. If Carter Pewterschmidt, the dynamic chairman of Pewterschmidt Industries, were to fall ill or even die, the stock price would plummet. I don't want you to think I'm not listening, but when's Christmas? Not for a while. But what I'm saying is,

Deirdre "Action" Jackson! (CROWD BOOING) I think every Italian in Quahog is here. Yeah! Go, white girl!

Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian. I've been having some trouble with mine, too. Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good. Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely. Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING)

You know, I'm up for this, but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.

Whoa! Easy there, Spencer. Now behave yourself, and there'll be a withered carrot for you later. Oh, I'm so proud of Brian.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you? One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four

They're all here for your surprise party, Meg. Peter, for God's sake, you idiot! We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!" Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear! Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody? Chris, what the hell? I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up!

Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man. MADAME CLAUDE: And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved,

All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid!

I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC. (SHUSHING) Lois, Lois, let's watch The Brady Bunch. Look what I did, everybody.

Last night, for God's sake, you farted. I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car.

Sweetie? You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L"

Lois, When have we ever had trouble communicating? Oh, Peter. I love you. Yeah, about a quarter past 5:00. Ok, Lois. I'll make you a deal. We'll watch the Tape, but, uh, you gotta do something For me. Ok. What? Do that Katherine Hepburn impression for me. And--And Philadelphia Story Hepburn.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have led him on. Peter, what the hell is that? It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured, with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space. Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you've inexplicably acquired?

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays.

so I was shadowing Dr. Hartman. I've actually been learning a lot, but then he just left me here! Well, you don't belong here! This is a professional medical institution with standards and regulations to adhere to! But... But I... I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'll go.

But you'll have to pack your chalk, because you're going to be staying six days and seven nights at your parents' house in Wilmington, Delaware!

(SIGHS) I was hoping to keep these mementos, Rupert, but I can't risk it, with the dog sniffing around for evidence. Damn! What the hell are they doing here? What are we looking for, Joe?

you're on the front page of the paper. You know, Chris, that girl from school sees that picture and you're in. Look, Stewie, I'm not really gonna ask her out. I think that just might have been cocky forest talk. No, but you got to take advantage of this. Seize your moment. Like the duck Founding Father. Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights,

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too.

Because that's what I asked you to do. That's kind of weird. Is this some kind of sexual thing? Nobody said anything about sexual. There's nothing sexual about it. I'm just asking you to perform a simple task. Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail, and run your fingers along the length of your tail. You mean stroke it?

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought.

CANDY: Glenn, you fell asleep, so I took off. It's probably for the best. I've never had sex before, and I probably wouldn't have been much good at it. (SCREAMING) (ANNA LEE CRYING) That's it. That kid is out of here.

I can't wait to get on the road again If we wanna get to Aspen, we're gonna have to get over those mountains somehow. Excuse me, how much is it to rent a helicopter? It's $10 an hour. But there's a $100,000 deposit.

Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak. And that should do it. Now let's go home. Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth.

I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr Nick, what are you talking about? Meg, you were right.

First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo. Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it. Now, you.

I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you. I think it's time for me to go. I'll send for my thingS. Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!

bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter.

Don't tell me they're still on safari. You know Daddy. He won't rest until he kills something on every continent. Ha-ha. But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas. It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents. Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me?

How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain? All right Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around. Oh--Oh, no. Head... hunters. Ahh! Am I fired? Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him.

Africa by Toto was playing. I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversations

Dr. Hartman, you just got this urgent message. Oh, dear. Prilosec, huh? No, it's below that. Oh. Oh, my God. Meg, I'm afraid my brother just tried to kill himself in prison. I have to go. You're gonna have to take things from here, I guess.

But we do know one thing, this kid was murdered. - (ALL GASP) - Murdered? Who in the world would want to kill a camper? JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me. And it looks like there are signs of trauma around the throat. Somebody strangled this fat kid.

MAN ON RADIO: All units, we've got a possible homicide at Number One, Mayor's Mansion lane. My God. That's the mayor's mansion. Thank God he's finally gone. Here's your drugs, Peter.

Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson. Ok, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?

Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations. Aw, That's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn. You taped over our wedding video? Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff.

Mr. Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt! Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil? Check! A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or zero? Check! Your mom's hairbrush? Check! You win! Oh, Boy! What's my prize? A pencil and a speed sign!

I don't wanna! Yes, you do!

(GRUNTS IN PAIN) Paper cut! A razor blade? Who the hell uses a razor blade as a bookmark? All right, very funny, Stewie. What? What do you mean, what? You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke.

Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose 'em. That... That was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left? Well, I mean, we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse 'em.

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

But, sir, the company's doing fine. Better than ever, in fact. Mr. Pewterschmidt would... I don't care what Mr. Pewterschmidt would have done. We need to take risks. We need a complete overhaul. Gentlemen, you're all fired. (ALL GASPING) What? There, now that I've got your attention, you're all fired.

I'm so excited I want to prep my diaphragm now. Gross. Hey, why don't you go back to sleep?

Hey, Quagmire, it's just a game. Take it easy. I'm not gonna take it easy! These guys are going down! You're going down in front of all these people! All right, Lois, it's all up to you.

If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter. W-w-Wait! Before you go, what's Heaven like? Oh, It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter.

So, did you let him have it? No. He let himself have it. This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian.

(GROANS) What the hell are you... I'm cauterizing your tail. Trust me, I'm a nurse. (WHIMPERING) Brian? What's going on over there? (SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie.

I love you, Brian. Sock it to me!

No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

What is it, Brian?

Nothing, Chris. All the shows are in widescreen now, so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before.

Mmm. Wow, this is good. What's in there? Well, there some apples and some cinnamon and my hair. What? My hair's in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian?

PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no!

Wow, guys, you hear that? A raise. Interesting. Seems like the kids are doing pretty well at this grown-up thing, huh? I would suggest that you suck that.

No. No, that's what they'll be expecting.

Hey, look, why don't you go bother Joe, huh? I can't. He's in Vegas for the weekend, seeing that handicapped Cher impersonator. If I could turn back time If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" you know, i've--I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm, You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference--reference that outside the program before. Because th-That's what she says on the show, right? Isn't it? "You are the weakest link. Good-bye!"

Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can!

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES) (ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL GASPING) I'd show you the ring, but it's under the splint. My finger fell down the stairs. You're getting married? Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"?

Ok, yes. My husband is responsible for knocking out T.V. But we should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. Now we can see the world for what it is, a beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced. Jeez, Another chick flick.

- There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry. I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached. What's all the commotion?

Well, we got it all figured out.

Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14. Ohh! It's okay, I'm just happy to be on TV.

I have decided to do whatever it takes to become an executive. Well, it would certainly be great if you got a promotion. You'd earn more money, get better health insurance... Lois, I am doing this for the bathroom. And I'm not giving up on my dream, like I did with that indoor hot-air balloon.

PETER: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over. All right, did you get the parking validated?

Wow, he's nailing it. I know, shut up. (CHEERING)

Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip? Sure, sweetheart. Meg, you have a wart! Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house? It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend. See, it was lunchtime...

Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack!

Nope, it's airtight. The only way out is if Neil commits an infidelity. Well, that's it then. We got to find somebody to seduce Neil. - Who, me? - Well, if not you, Lois, then who? Beverly D'Angelo? 'Cause I don't think she'd do it. And I don't even know how to get ahold of her.

Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000. What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Peter? Oh! Oh, uh, Ah, h-Hi, Mr. Weed! Well, It seems you've made a full recovery. Oh, yeah. yeah. W-- Uh-- That--That plane crash I told you about, it turned out to be gas. Aha! Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30.

Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home! Mommy! Thank God you're home! Stewie, my baby!

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race

Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me

Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there. I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license. Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again!

From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me Except for you. You can touch me. Attention, delegates.

What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right. But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf. Usually Peter would break the tie. (SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting.

We now return to Little House on the Prairie. That's wonderful, Mary. You're doing great with your Braille. I couldn't have done it without you, Pa. Why don't you go up to bed and get some sleep, honey? Shh. honey, Honey,

Chris. Chris, honey, can I talk to you? Oh, my God, he's gone! That means this room is mine now. I am gonna party my ass off in here. Great pot, Stewie. Yeah, I got it from our cleaning lady's boyfriend.

BRIAN: What the hell? Lois, did you put this muzzle on me while I was sleeping? Yeah, sorry, Brian. My psychic warned me you were gonna bite somebody, and I didn't want to see that happen. Okay, that's it. This psychic nonsense has gone way too far. What do you mean "nonsense"? Lois, there is no such thing as a person who is psychic. And though it's tempting to want to believe in something that brings you comfort,

My God! That doesn't look good. God. That elf getting killed gave them all erections. All right, Brian. Let's do this.

So, you know, that's something to think about. Just burped.

You better hurry up and land. The last half hour, I've been having all pee dreams.

Oh, my God, a baby! Are you okay?

Okay, the door's gonna open and you guys say, "Freeze," and point your guns at them. Or, you know... Or should it just be me? Yeah, you know what? I think that'll be better. Get out. Go, go, go. It's just me. I wasn't ready. Hi! (EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman

Brian, that's a great idea. That's exactly what we need to take PTV to the next level. Original programming. Hi, there. And welcome to The Peter Griffin Side Boob Hour. A wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer. Look at that side boob.

Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick!

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner?

I'm too nervous. They're celebrities. You talk to them. (SCREAMING)

I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and... And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that. Hey, you guys.

Oh. (SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.

(MURMURING) (PLAYS FANFARE) Announcing the arrival of His and His Majesty,

All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

What do you mean, honey? You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh? I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you. um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Down therE? Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion? Quick, everyone get in the attic.

She's gone. No!

Hey, mind if I turn on the radio? DJ: WTAT, Tatooine's all-talk radio. HOST: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again, they never stop. Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well, that's crazy, just trying to scare us. And if that weren't enough to get you mad,

Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love.

Who could resist the call of the mystery box? YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right. Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, 'cause you sex me up.

(GROANS) Hey, you got a good hand guy, right? CARTER: Good. Good! Your hate has made you powerful. Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side.

(CLEVELAND BEEPING) CLEVELAND: You sure this is where we'll find Captain Solo? Yep, this is it. Corner of Tatooine Way and Martin Luther King Boulevard. Hi, Artoo! You wanna come play?

They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time. Some things are worth waiting for. Wow. You're really a true gentleman. Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING)

He's right, Peter. You've disturbed the natural order of things. People need to be able to die. no! You kNow, a-Actually, I-- I think I'm gonna be ok. Oh, Jack. Now we can get married and everything you promised. Yeah, about that,

That's it? That's your reason? Well, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian? Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.

The legend herself. My Grand Slam was supposed to be with sausage.

(BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles!

(CHUCKLING) Aw.

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it?

(ALL GROAN) Make it blue. That's always been the deal! You show whatever you want, but you make it blue! Come on. You got to help us out.

I guess what we all learned is that no matter who you are, or where you come from, life is a terrible thing. Yeah, but if you got your family to help you get through it,

Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure.

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst. It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is? Hi, Mr. Tucker.

And you know, sometimes it affects the people you love. Oh, my God. Lois, you're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again.

God, he's like a totally different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird. Take care, you two.

Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING)

From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To... To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things. You're my mother,

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night. It's a comedy that's too good to be funny. Dude, you're trippin'.

- What do you care? - Because I think I'm in love with her. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off. What are you talking about? I'm talking about my meat. Gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking it, I just push it in like a button and put a Band-Aid over it. What kind of Band-Aid?

Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.

Shooting commies Drinking deer blood Peeing in the radiator Look up there Here comes a really Angry Russian helicopter (EXCLAIMING) It has been a red dawn.

Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?

Well, how do you feel? I don't know. I don't feel any different. Well, why don't you try insulting me? Yeah, okay. Sometimes you chase helicopters. That's kind of lame. Yeah. Um...

Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois?

Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest? Oh, it's Dynasty.

(MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.

Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

(WATER RUNNING) Listen to her now, washing her face off in the sink after crying so much. Probably got tears in her hair, poor thing. I'll go up and talk to her. Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there?

Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days.

Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo!

Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in.

I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing!

(IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

(LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING)

No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid. This gives me an idea.

(CHUCKLES) You sound like my mother. She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast. I guess that's sweet, huh? She... I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until...

$12,000! $13,000! $25,000! uh, Sold for $25,000! Yes! Aw, Crap! Thanks. And now the actual boat itself. Do I have an opening bid for the boat? $50,000! Sold for $50,000!

Okay. Why? Uh, it's a present. It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid.

magazine Someday I know We, too, will go

I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant. What? Oh, my God, Meg, why didn't you tell me? I didn't think you wanted to see me. But this changes everything. I wanna be there for you, Meg. I love you.

A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks. These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden.

I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS) Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian. Penelope told me I had to kill you because you said we should break up, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh!

I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha. Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? Pre-op. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off!

We are gonna have such a great time. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, what's up? Hey, Quagmire. Just taking the family on vacation. That's good. Hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off.

Hey, Lois, want to make out? Yeah. What do you think of new sexy-lips Peter? Yeah. This is your life from now on. Enjoy it, lucky wife.

He fell off a stool trying to turn off Maury Povich. This is awful! Where's your teacher?

(LAUGHING) This is gonna be the best summer ever.

Oh! They were awful. They were like stinky little balloons. And I gave him some special ointment and he hurt so bad that he had to apply it in the car with his sock. Thank you. Cool! I want to be a pharmacist!

Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah!

When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, ok? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. What's that, Peter? Nothing. Oh, The lost-my-job smells great. What? Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence? Peter, are you feeling ok?

Could you... - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool.

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

I mean, "Leslie" or something like that would be nice. Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing.

Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do? Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head. Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls?

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

I could do it, Brian! I could do it right now and nobody would say a thing. I could blow your brains out and they'd throw me a parade!

I'm taking Quagmire for a little ride, and you guys are gonna stay out here and freeze to death. Now, get those hands where I can see 'em! All the way up! - Oh! My shirt's a little too short. - That's okay. You can keep 'em the way you had 'em so it covers your stomach. Thank you. You know, if this Jeff was around more,

There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, and this is News... I thought you were going to sing with me, Joyce. Okay.

I did it! I got a great story! So, What did your editor say? He was gone for the day. I just left it on his desk. But here. I brought you a copy. Oh, my God! "Corruption in City Hall." This is amazing. Here. Let me see that. This'll never get Meg on the paper. This is old news. There have been scandals in politics ever since Thomas Jefferson.

You're as bad as Beethoven near the end. (HUMMING ODE TO JOY TONELESSLY) They're gonna love that! Well, I've still gotta do a little work on it.

(WHINES) Dad, are you ready?

Thanks for inviting me to lunch, Lois,

Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I...

(CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

But I remember it so-- It was a dream! Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip? Sure, sweetheart. Meg, you have a wart! Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house? It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend. See, it was lunchtime...

Screw you, fish. Oh, I miss you so much. But I promise, one day I'll see you again, Captain Caveman. It feels like we've been here forever. Ok, Ok, here's one. What would you guys rather be? Blind or a midget?

Okay. Now that Joe's here, I can say this in front of all of you. Everyone, I am a criminal. A few nights ago, I committed a murder. Then I buried the body and even went out of my way to cover up the evidence. Oh, my God! These are very serious charges, Brian.

MALE T.V. HOST: And we're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing. I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round, we'll never know. (BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one.

It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah! Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here.

Damn you, Entertainment Tonight! Hi, I'm Bob Goen, and these are Mary Hart's legs. Mary, you recently spent some time with Julia Roberts, didn't you? Mary says, "Yes."

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby. This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages."

No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...

Uh, I got a cell phone. Oh, no bars. All right, who's next for a flu shot? Oh, that's me. I'm Peter Griffin. Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply.

Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name! Well, I'm sorry honey but we don't think you should see him anymore. Oh, I hate the sound of her crying.

What the hell is this? For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie! Screw the theater.

Seeing As how the two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin. You never told me your mother was such a stone-cold fox! Now I see where you get it. Meg, he's so charming. My name is Chris. I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo.

Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.

Ugh! Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor? She's fine. Sea Breeze will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for another 9 weeks. She's pregnant. Look, Mr. Pewterschmidt, i--I just want you to know, I am going to do the right thing here. You're not doing anything! In fact, You're never going to see Sea Breeze again!

Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!

I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago. What's with the big grin? Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh, and I was feeling cocky. Hey, let's see yours, Joe. No. Come on! (SIGHS) Wait, why does it say... Yeah.

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain!

Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside,

I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.

I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom.

Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it! I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows! Well, At least the T.V. gets decent reception. Ha! Must be some kind of nature show. Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off! Ahh! Great! We're here 5 minutes,

What's this? Ooh, candy!

Lois, get in here! Shh. Meg's boyfriend. But there's... There's nothing wrong with him. Mom, where's my...

Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party!

I need about a dozen. Actually, better make it like 600. That's it, Peter! I'm not a servant. And I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies! Jeez. Where the hell did that come from? Watch the kids. I'm taking a hot bath. Put me down, you blunderbuss!

For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it.

Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here.

Pancake? Just a small one, thanks. My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's.

I'm not really evil.

They thought your singing was too... I was just nervous. Tonight'll be better. Tonight? Honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight. gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman!

We won't hear from him for an hour and a half. Look, if I'm still the only one who says "not guilty," I won't hold things up any longer. Let's vote again, and I'll abstain. If it's unanimous, I'll change my vote and we can all go home. Okay, everyone take one of these here and write their vote.

My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy.

What? No, I was just... Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything. Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004. That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11. (SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?

All right, everybody, only three hours till opening. This is going to be the coolest place in Quahog. All the movers and shakers and bigwigs are gonna eat here,

Okay, that sounds like fun. Oh, my God. Chris is dating a Barrington. Who are the Barringtons? They're the richest family in all of Rhode Island. (GASPS) I must notify Gossip Girl! "Pass this along to Gossip Girl."

(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

These water wings didn't help at all. This is the worst day of my life. Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days. A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse?

Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off.

Can't touch me Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt Light a fire and pee it out Don't like it, kiss my rump

Ok, good. good. Now smell her a little. I can't do it! Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt! Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you! We'll catch you! Wonderful. - Ok! Me next! Me next! - Ugh!

Ok girls, get ready... Get Set... Please uh, uh, uh... God, I don't ask you for much. But let my boy win this race. Do not go until I wave my flag.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Two Lame Chicks on Vacation in Mexico. Oh, my God, don't drink the water. I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, is this beach topless? No, but my margarita's bottomless. Mexico! Mexico!

Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit. Yes, I'll have the filet mignon, and they can start the sunset now.

STEWIE: No! Ahhh!

Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me. And I had to sleep with my mother for a week. I am quite finished. Peter, if you want to ride that roller coaster, you're going to have to go on a diet.

Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed. I got your hat! Take that, hatless!

'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt Though they tried to defeat me they can all just freakin' eat me 'cause he blew all of us away In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

(SNEEZES) (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me!

Everything I do Oh I do it for you Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes.

Wait a minute. Who are you? I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir. Stewie, go on, get out of here,

starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared. No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. The carnival with Rupert. We won! We won! Do it again. Now I want a pink one. Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour. Oh, okay. You want to go ride the tea bags? Tea cups? Tea bags?

Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin. (GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way. Okay, here comes the baby.

and run your fingers along the length of your tail. You mean stroke it? Nobody used that word. This is not a stroking motion. This is a completely nonsexual thing I am asking you to do in a completely nonsexual way. Squeeze the base of the tail lightly with your thumb and index finger.

And now back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack." Quite a situation we've got here, Tom. Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market.

(GASPS) It's gone! Where is she, Woods? What'd you do with the body? What body? You know, maybe she wasn't dead.

I think I can help.

Because I love you. Wow! I thought you had to be in the NBA to hit a girl in the face. But I guess anyone can. Of course you can hit a girl in the face! They have faces, don't they? Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? You bet your ass I am. Look at you! You're pathetic.

Jeez, that's more of a rip-off than that breakfast machine I bought.

Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio.

(WE GO TOGETHER PLAYING) We've been up here for four days. Why did you drive the car into the air if you didn't know how to get it back down? Look, Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously, I didn't think ahead.

I think it's time for me to go. I'll send for my thingS. Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry! Miles never spoke again.

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.

Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

I'm sure he'll find a way to cope. Morning, Lois.

That ought to show you!

It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want. And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America. You will not convince me. America must pay for its sins.

I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel? My house burned down. Oh. Why are you naked?

This is my favorite song of all time! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word

Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.

Besides, without my nagging, you'd probably get yourself killed. Or laid. Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore. You're not? No, you're on your own.

(SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way! No, Luke, don't run downhill!

Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. But when their trail had led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up,

Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better. Hey, Brian, what do you say we sing Stewie some real music? Sounds good to me. On the western side of Quahog

Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... Don't know... And now sports.

STEWIE: Ugh, that was absolute garbage. Read it again! Hey, Lois. I'm home from the Clam. You know what that means.

I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers.

You know, I kind of agree. Yeah, this is sort of lame.

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING)

Whoa, whoa, What the hell are you doing? Don't eat that. Oh, For God's sake! Don't be such a nerd! Look, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.

Mom, it's been three months. When is Dad gonna get better? Chris, I've already explained this to you. Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover. PETER: Lois! Bring me another beer, please! (SIGHS)

Forget about it. I thought my leg was never gonna stop. I don't believe this. My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on. It's not too hard to see why. He's a hero. He makes the world a better place. Hey, hey. I've done lots of things to help people. Remember the time I sang to the kids at the Sunday school? Yes, and you forgot the wordS. Jesus loves me

Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together. Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow! Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that?

Are you sure, O.J.? Are you sure you wouldn't like to confess to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman? What? (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEAKING) What the hell is that? You're wearing a wire! (TIRES SCREECHING) I am so murdered. Peter, I'm hurt.

That was fun. We should hang out again sometime. Yeah, definitely. Well, good night. Night. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I thought you... I didn't think this was a date. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed! Hey, it's 10:30! I suggest you take your dope and go elsewhere!

Amber. I'm a dirt bike guy now, so I need a dirt bike girlfriend. Yes, she has small breasts, but she makes up for it by smoking.

(CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet? How's the hernia, Peter? You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all.

Damn it. We just missed it. What do you wanna do for 20 minutes? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna work out. That's how you stay in shape. You just fit it in when you have free time wherever you are, wherever you can. There's semen on this floor. Stewie, look!

You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots... at a karaoke bar, doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band. Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome. Wait. What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure. Sorry I'm late, fellas.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass

- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

(SOFT ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) - Stop it. - I have an itch. I don't care. Dead people don't scratch their balls. Well, I can't help it. It's these damn wool pants. I'm going bananas. If I can't scratch them, you have to. Shh!

Didn't we have an electrician in there today?

and we can be a family for a good long-- Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING)

Meg, put your bib on. I don't want to wear a bib. Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on. She means your nipples are sticking out. Mom! Nipples! Nipples! That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall!

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

- Marie? - Yeah, Donny? We cannot tell Mom.

You did it! Wait. Put it back. I like that song. Montgomery Clift who was in From Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster, who was in Atlantic City with Susan Sarandon, who was in White Palace with Kevin Bacon. There.

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills.

How hot is it? Oh, I don't know. Like, around 98, 99. I don't get it. Ew, I think I'm a little sweaty. You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one? That's Meg, dude. You know that. Meg! You vile-smelling girl,

Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin."

You can have... Um... Um... You can have... Um... You can have strawberry yogurt. I don't like strawberry yogurt. Oh, picky for someone who eats the same food out of a plastic bowl on the floor every night. Okay, I get it. A bowl that starts in the kitchen at the beginning of a meal and ends up in the living room.

Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher. (CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore. Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes. Good morning, everyone. Oh, crap, he's in love again.

Those Silly Nannies are just a bunch of losers. - Pack your bags. We're going home. - What, you're just giving up? Look, Peter, I know you're upset because you blew your opportunity with the Patriots. But this is your chance to redeem yourself.

Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And vice versa?

I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Detarded. You're under arrest. No, you're under arrest. (BOTH GIGGLING)

Huh, wonder if I can pull off one of those can-you-believe-what-I have-to-put-up-with looks to the camera. Okay, Mark Burnett, you did Survivor and The Apprentice. Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiveable things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money? I got some ideas.

Oh, for God's sake!

Whoo! Hey, look, everybody. It's Spuds MacKenzie! Ahh!

Get away from me, you crazy animal! You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help!

MAN ON TV: We now return to The Superfriends' Accountant. Look, you guys are hemorrhaging money. This Hall of Justice is sitting on five acres of commercial real estate. How do you afford this? We're the Superfriends. Yeah, but you guys have no income. You owe four million dollars in back property taxes. We fight evil wherever we find it. Well, that's not gonna be enough.

A change only one man could make. (GUN COCKS) I am the Windmaker, and I shoot monkeys now.

but I am completely lost. Lois, you said there would be other men my own age here. But there aren't, and I'm bored. Look, Peter, why don't you just grab a book off the shelf and be quiet? No! Books are jerks. Stop acting like a brat. What about a picture book? Only if it has a mirror at the end of it, and it says, "How about you?"

Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal,

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.

Buy me a rainbow

The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise!

Dad! The reason I'm not responding is because I'm not this "Dad" person. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin.

Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!

Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baa-shful? Oh, oh. That's right. You're all ripe for parody. Can we go now? Shut up! I'm having fun. Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. Doh! My fanny is not on the menu! WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah!

You can say it, Charles.

"but the headaches are getting worse." (GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that! (LAUGHING)

And I guess that's why They call it the blues And I guess that's why They call it the blues

Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert. Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no T.V.? So He failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19. Peter, I want you to help Chris. Kids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork.

I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS)

Stewie, my baby! I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn.

Baba-booie! How long is Dad gonna be in Washington? As long as it takes. He's a very important man now. You know, He's the spokesman for his entire industry.

Yes, hello, I'd like to buy 400 blister packs of Actifed, or similar pseudoephedrine-based decongestant. Why? I have a cold.

Lois, what was I gonna do? It was either do it their way or get canceled. Well, at least then you would have had your integrity. You guys wanted to see me? Look, Brian, we're really excited about the ratings.

(LAUGHING) That's not how you dry a baby. He has to do it 'cause his wife has the job. But motherhood's a job. Motherhood's a job too, though.

Wait a minutE. Ha!

Hey, this ain't the way to the rendezvous point. We're not meeting up with the others. We're going to the Dagobah system. Hi. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, yeah, do you know how to get to the Dagobah system? Yeah, actually we're headed there now. You can follow us. Okay, great. Annoying question. We have to get gas,

(SNORING) Peter! Oh! Oh, Lois. Oh... Let me make you some coffee. (SQUEALING)

Lois, I would have remembered if you had told me that. I told you, Peter. I remember exactly what we were doing. (BOTH LAUGHING) I slept with a black guy.

We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this.

I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See, now--Now, those are Chris' socks, right? Now, They don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. Oh, It's fun to watch rich people be naughty! Peter, listen to me. My sister just called.

So, uh, call my, uh... Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks. Tell him it sucks! Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid.

but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

All right, boys. Let's see what we've got. Well, at least we got somethin'. God! Damn! Stupid penguins. Sorry, guys, but the way things have been goin', I can't afford to keep you. I'm gonna have to put you down.

And We also used to play buck-buck. Enough of your blather. Good evening, world. From this moment on, I will be your-- What you got there? Oh, You gonna go skiing now. Give them back to me! They're of no use to you! I'm going down the mountain.

PETER: Okay. All right, now do you see a button that looks like a drunken gay guy eyeing you from across the bar? Um... Uh... Yeah, I see it. QUAGMIRE: All right, press the button right above it. Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down.

Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian. I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right? Shh. Shh.

Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR. "I'm so stressed.

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.

Oh, he's gay. You wish! Get out of here, you mouth breather!

What a very interesting thing.

What did I tell you about altering the past?

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it! Thank you, sweetie. Now, Peter, we've gotta find some food. Oh, my God! Look!

Well, Well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead!

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me.

Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival.

You were right. It's terrific. Let me guess. Some flowery, 300-page, menopausal masturbatory aid. I loved it. And the chapters are only about two pages long. So you feel really smart when you read it. Take it outside, Lois. Good night, sweetie.

He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff,

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at...

Peter, don't stare!

Tell the other bears what you just saw.

Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.

YOu... You really let this family down. We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap!

(ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? There's a bunch of bulldozers out there. Hold it, hold it! What's going on? We're here to demolish this building by order of the bank. Like hell you are!

You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer?

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die.

English - US - Line 21

I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself. That's why there are 50 blank pages. That's why I keep it by the phone.

God, a D.U.I.! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail! It's ok, Brian. You'll get through this D.U.I., and you'll be a better person for it. Well now Hold on A minute. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization! Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?

Robert Downey. Yes, well, the last one left standing wins. Let the game begin! All right, Dad! Go, Peter!

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God,

We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here. Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there. You're a monster.

Well, Mr. Griffin, your arguments for the school's name change...

Hey, What's going on here? Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Um, If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes. Peter, Listen, the bank's taking all our stuff. And according to this if you don't pay them within 48 hours, they get the house, too.

Hey, guys. I wrote a song. Oh, that's great. Good, Ringo. Fantastic. You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. Right on the refrigerator. That way, we'll get to see it every day. All right.

Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department. Ah, Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing. Hey, fellas. Wow! Ted Turner! I told you guys not to invite him. Oh, He must've followed us. Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what?

No, this is good. This means I did a good job. All right, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies, it's that the ex-wife always falls in love with her husband again after he befriends a little kid. Okay. And the kid needs to be really cute, so I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. (DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on.

I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes. These bluebeards still treat me like scum just 'cause I'm not loaded. I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room. Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you!

Oh, my God! You guys, there's a fully functional meth lab in our basement. Boy, we should clean this place up. It's a meth. Brian? Oh, right, you're at college. We have to call the police.

(ALL LAUGHING) Okay, when he wasn't looking, I stuck a springy snake in his wallet. What? (YELLS) And I switched out one of his eyeballs for a gag exploding eyeball. What? That's... (SCREAMS) And then I paid a couple of Mexicans to run over him with their car. I hope they don't just take the money and skip town.

And still so hot. Like... I don't see art films. Like, like, crazy hot. Yeah, it's about 39 minutes, 45 seconds in. Oh. It's a really exceptional sequence. I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol. He's a... He's a failed writer who just decides that,

Well, you might want to do something about that first. What? Quick, shoot him, Chris! What are you waiting for? I... How do I know which one to shoot? What? How do I know which one is the real dad? I... We never switched. We don't even look the same! All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING) You and I didn't quite get along when we first met When you put us together we just didn't blend

No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no... (BRAYING)

Peter, Death just agreed to let you live. Oh, man. This really is my night. I get to live, and I'm on T.V.

Peter, what are we doing here? Trust me, Quagmire. Cleveland will never think to look for you at Mayor West's house. Hey, there. How you doing? Good evening, gentlemen. Listen, Mayor West, my friend Quagmire here's in trouble.

Ok, funcakes, let's do a scene. Ok, uh, Stewie, how about you and, uh, Let's see, one of our veterans. Um, Olivia. I'm not doing a scene with him! He's inexperienced! He'll drag my whole performance down! Are you serious? Is she serious? Ok, Stewie. I'll give you a solo exercise.

I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs.

Come, come. You, heat up some gravy for our guest! My last helping of white meat was drier than Oscar Wilde. ew, How did you do that? Oh, wEll, uH, Let's just say, when I was younger,

I couldn't be happier. Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all.... What? My job sucks. I'm tired ofalways scrounging around on the bottom rung of society... getting kicked around by the Man. Like when I worked in that lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

- Since first grade. - Yeah, yeah. You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"? " think so. Well, burn for it! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family.

Even Cheesie Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo. Ok, I'll call the parents and let them know the party's here. You don't have any of those things. How do you know? Peter, Face it. You're a terrible liar. Ah. It was you. you know, Clowns and petting zoos book months in advance.

although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. (SIGHS) Well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second-graders. Oh, no! Dear God, he's going back! (THUDDING) I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you they are signing frantically, just as fast as their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror.

Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin. He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way.

Oh, my God! Meg!

Oh, boy, I am going to take her down right in front of everybody. All right, Olivia, get ready to... - Good lord. - What is it? Brian, she looks... She looks fantastic. And now TV's Olivia Fuller will cut the ceremonial ribbon. I hope I'm allowed to do this. My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children.

A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial. But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot. I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign.

What do you say we go into the bedroom? Yeah, sure. QUAGMIRE: Oh, she's so ugly! I don't want to get in that. Peter, I'm not gonna do it. Deal's off. Deal's off. No, it isn't! QUAGMIRE: Yes, it is. I'm gonna spread my legs, and yours will pop through. You better not. I am. I'm re-jiggering my position right now.

(RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby. Fire! Uh-oh. What? Hold on to something.

(GRUNTS) Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.

Do you still have the thing? Oh, my God, what a beautiful room. Paris is so incredible. I can't believe we're really here. I know.

Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story.

Yes, quite the female golfer. (Stewie) Ha! I knew it! Look! Everybody, look! Look! She's a fraud!

and ever since I got banned from the arcade, I don't know what I'm doing, but if you're up for it, I'd like to spend some time with you. Okay. Sure, Sandy! I'll come right down! Thanks, Uncle Herbert. I don't know how I could ever repay you. Well, there is one thing.

Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, Actually, that guy who did was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today,

So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure.

So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem. I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right?

Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian. Who else isn't real, hmm? You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm?

Lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise. You can't stop me from modeling, Peter. This is important to me. I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

Don't think I won't do it, man.

The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him that night. Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat.

Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car!

So, Brian and Stewie found Santa Claus, but he sure wasn't what they expected. It turned out the increasing demands of Christmas had all but destroyed the poor old man. Okay, look at this. Somebody gave me a little remote control helicopter.

You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, I felt something. It was like an instinct, you know?

You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Clearly, I am not meant to be a writer. I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out. I put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on. Well, that's it, no more. I'm done writing. What? Writing's the only thing that's giving your alcoholism any credibility. Hey, you know, I just thought of something. Hold on a sec.

I'm sorry, sweetie. It's for your own good. And trust me, you'll feel much better about yourself. Everyone's gonna make fun of me! Oh, come on, who's gonna make fun of you? Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it! And I'd better not see you at the big dance!

I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy. I'm gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some more exercise. Yes, Yes. I do seem to have gained a bit of girth.

Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. Boner. His name was b-b-Boner.

Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard! Aw, Man.

Citizens of Ouahog, we have a problem!

I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid. (SHOUTING) What?

(GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there. You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

Man, I bet they got fancy food up there at Harvard. Like them turkeys with paper shoes. Or pigs with apples in their mouths. Or them lambs what ain't never seen the light before. Oh, yeah, I love eating food that's sad. Hey, you know, we should drive up there and use that card to eat for free. That's a great idea! Let's go to Harvard! Oh, I don't know, you guys.

Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it.

Chris, where have you been? I don't know. $53.98. Oh, no, I forgot to go to the bank. Uh, I'm a little short. I'll have to put the ham back.

He's just curious about the chair. About 10 years ago I was investigating a robbery at an orphanagE. it was Christmas Eve and some presents had been stolen.

I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here.

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look.

There, now that I've got your attention, you're all fired.

Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint. Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart. You do? Of course.

Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk!

- I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C!

Dad, my God, are you ok? Don't be using the Lord's name in vain! He's ok! Thank God! It seems he broke into the old mill after hours.

Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some. Give her the web site. StewieGriffinFacial.com. No, no, no, that's something else. It's StewieGriffin FacialCleanser.com.

No more balloon for you. I am sick of you tooling around the village in that thing, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week. But, Father-- Go to your palace! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it.

All my money was gone, which means I lost the house.

Joke complete. You and Dad were right. I'm not smart enough to be here. Can you come get me, please, Mom? Okay, honey, of course we will. (PHONE BEEPS) Hang on, I got another call. Hello? Lois, I'm at the gym. I hate it here. I want to come home.

I've got a package for you, too! All right!

Jeez, Frickin' perverts. Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.?

In anticipation of this event, we put together a clip package featuring some of Billy's work for Channel Five News. (CROWD SCREAMING)

Everybody stand back. Uh-oh-- Oh, boy. Oh--oh! Oh, God. Ahh! Ah-- Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni.

Ew, I think I'm a little sweaty. You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one? That's Meg, dude. You know that. Meg! You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand me? Dirty, Dirty girl.

(THUNDER RUMBLING) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.

Oh, fuck! There it is.

We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards!

You're a whore, Sheila, and I'm gonna make sure everybody knows it! Here!

Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry.

Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg.

He's acting worse than you did when you tried to cover your farts by coughing. Okay, welcome to the PTA meeting. On the subject of school lunches, I know there's been some concern about nutrition. (FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?

All right, kids, assembly is starting. Now, please take your seats for the following presentation by the US Army. (ALL GROANING) What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme! And I'm Major Awesome!

Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that. Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact? Yeah! We're starting a rumor! Wait a minute. Chris, are you clapping? Yeah! - So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot. You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours.

Peter, you bought the statue of David? No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. I shall call you "Eduardo." Peter, how can we afford this? You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting-- A big raise!

All right, how do you want to do this? A static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over-explains what we're doing? Um, that second one sounds like it could be funny. (MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Checking lottery tickets Looking at the numbers And seeing if they match the ones on the news

Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him. Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!" Well, I do say that.

Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.

Doesn't seem too hard. All right, go stand over there. (LAUGHS) No, you don't. No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area!

Thanks for inviting me to lunch, Lois, but why are we eating at a strip club? I know the waitress here from water aerobics. She said she'd give us 20% off. All units, all units. PETER: We have a disturbance at the Fuzzy Clam. This is Officer Swanson. What's the problem?

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game!

but one thing we won't need is this. That's right, I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one. There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure.

(PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Good day. Enchante. Pasta Fazul. Mmm. Looking good, fellas. Brian, do you know anything about this?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

All right, boys, pack up the dough and get out of there. Joe, stop! Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to try to talk some sense into you. Do you really want to go through with this? I have to, Lois, for my family. I don't know where else to get $20,000. But you know Daddy'll find out.

Hey, you're in a tough part of town. Now, give me your purse, doll face. Hey, you get your hands off that! I don't care how many of you there are, you're not taking this purse! The hell we aren't. Let's get him, boys!

Money. I'll be upstairS. Peter, why are you so-- Get out! This is a part just for the men!

Who's there? Is there somebody at the door? Somebody at the door? Huh? Somebody at the door? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you.... I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

Well, you know what, I'm... I'm rambling. I... Would you like some more champagne? I'd love some. My head is swimming. Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing? I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter,

can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING)

It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste?

It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later. Thanks, you guys. That was really cool. Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? Ah! You folks got a towel?

Hey, it's Peter Griffin.

Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force. No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens.

Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.

(ALL LAUGHING) (SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

What the hell is that? oh! Bovine lummox! Oh! Oh, God!

I left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom. It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive. But now I have you back... Oh, well. At least I still have you. You hungry?

Has Joe died? What? No. That's good. I was just calling to tell him my father is recovering well and the doctors say he'll be fine. That's great. I'll tell him. I'll be flying back first thing in the morning. That's great, too. Okay, bye, Bonnie. See you tomorrow. Bye.

And let's face it, Mork, you're getting Nanu-Na-old! (TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Stop it! You stop it! Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world,

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then.

You were just wonderful.

(IT'S A SUNSHINE DAY PLAYING) I think I'll go for a walk outside now The summer sun's calling my name

- You wanna hook up? - Buy me something. I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool.

Peter, Don't throw out Brian's things. It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. He just needs to find himself. He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times!

Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor. Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to? New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester. What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it."

(EXCLAIMING) But don't take my word for it. Just ask my little friend Ziggy! Hi! I'm Ziggy the zygote. I'm looking forward to being an active member of your community. Can I hug you? (LAUGHING) Of course you can, Ziggy! Because even though they're not visible yet, you already have tiny arms.

You know what's interesting about Lois' vagina, Brian? Everyone in this room has been in there except for you. You're the only one who doesn't know what it looks like. Lois, I don't want you walking around all pregnant for nine months just to hand over the thing when it comes out, like a hen to a farmer. I mean, why's it got to be you? Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby.

Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.

But he wouldn't let her. He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds. Sounds like a pretty good motive to me. Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you. Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends.

(GASPS) My petition! What the hell are you doing? I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this.

All right, one, two, three, go! Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire.

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

What the hell is so bloody fascinating? (GASPING) You! Well, well, well. If it isn't my half brother Stewie! Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles? - He donated sperm. - Gross.

good-bye mmm. Who would think that a woman with such beauty would have the culinary skills of Emeril Lagasse? Oh, well Thank you. Ha! Ha! Bam!

But I guess anyone can. Of course you can hit a girl in the face! They have faces, don't they? Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? You bet your ass I am. Look at you! You're pathetic. What kind of a man gets fired by a broad? A man with a female boss? Don't crack wise. Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line,

That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me.

I just came down to get some beers. Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well. Build a bar! That's a great idea.

You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun?

Brian, I think you'd better go. BRIAN: Lois, I'd really like to talk about this. - No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay.

Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he's not coming. Oh! Come on now. There, feel better after I just said that? - Now give me one little touch. - No! I hate this! I... I... I hate my life!

Peter, where have you been? Look, you try scheduling a haircut today. You know, you'd think you'd wanna spend your last day on Earth with your family! Hey, I'm here, aren't I? With only seconds left. Don't you love me? Of course I love you, Lois! You're the most important person in the world to me! You promise? I promise.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET.

You guys are gonna love this spa. They give the best massages. Your whole bodies will feel like Joe's legs. Wow. That would be nice, for a short period. I tell you, I need this. I've had a really stressful morning. Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that it's 8:25? MAN: Precisely!

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk? Hey, Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring. Grandpa Griffin?

I sent her a little something for the baby.

Who knows, I could have kids in their 20s.

Ah, there we go! Oh, my God! How do you two know each other? Uh, we actually just met. Well, I'm Stewie. I'm Lauren. It's good to meet you. I love the show. Do you need a gay friend on the show? A friend on the show? Hey, you know what? I'm actually on my way to go shoot now. If you want, you guys can tag along. Oh, I don't know if we have time.

Well, I am smart and ambitious!

You know, I even won a deep voice contest with Joe yesterday. (DOORBELL RINGING) I heard you coming. I made myself heard. Where have you come from? I've come from where I've been. You still riding with that mangy polecat Fletcher? Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun and the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road.

This is Trisha Takanawa, here with School Board President Peter Griffin. Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks. Thanks, Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamping our schools.

I was a virgin when we met. It took him 3 hours. I can't believe my dad is in there. This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life. I got a new dress. Try talking about him. So, uh, do you like music?

Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July, which he promises will be even July-ier than the original. A dangerously insane human being. And here comes the next float, honoring uninjured veterans. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - Yeah! We rock! Our wives stayed with us.

You should be a producer. A producer? Gee, I don't know.

I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I.

A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.

(DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY) (LIVELY TUNE BEGINS) Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable. I hate vegetables. (LAUGHING) Don't worry about her, Mr. Schiavo.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Well, Brian, i--I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems. You have abandonment issues. You need to confront your mother and deal with this. What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah! Yeah, You bet your ass I'm right!

I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox.

No! Brian, you know me. Look at me. Shoot him. All right, there's only one way to settle this. Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet. (LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands!

You got a little, uh, I'll get it. Hungry Hungry Hippos! Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice. You got another one, dude.

- You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass!

Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand. No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry! I think we just have to face it, Peter. Brian's a big-time Hollywood director, and we're just simple, small-town people.

I fell through a trapdoor that led to an underground passageway. So, I followed it, and it led me to a hatch over there in the parlor.

During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy.

That's what a new car smells like. It's disgusting.

Oh, my God! They liked it? Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin',

I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too.

Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

Wow, it's beautiful down there. I just can't believe it really looks like this. Boy, the fish tank at daycare really nailed it. Lois, are you feeling all right? I'm just a little seasick, that's all. STEWIE: Oh, my God! (CHUCKLES) Brian's eating it.

(EXCLAIMS) No gravity. There he is! Oh, go on. No, really, go on.

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's. Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go.

That's nice. Well, I should go, Lois. Yeah, I should probably get going myself. Oh, my God! What? What is it, Lois? That girl over there, that's Chris' girlfriend! Hey, you know, she kind of looks like you, Lois.

Boy, these eggs are delicious. Good job, Lois. Good job, local hen. Aw, bucka bucka baw. (PHONE RINGING)

You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly.

Ooh. There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're cool." Joe, I think you're cool. Well, thank you, Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work. "No, just kidding, you suck." No, just kidding, you suck. STEWIE: "Queer." Queer. (SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

Yeah. Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro. Hey, who's the director, Brian?

A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois. Ok, let's run this scene again. now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that?

You don't? No, it's me, Chris. Oh, hey, Chris. Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol? No. Oh, okay. Hey, you know what's a great movie? The Reaping? Yeah. Why are you dressed like John Lithgow? Well, if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good, Brian.

How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois.

Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead! Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

- Thanks, Brian. - No problem.

Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell. I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails are the same color as my school bus. You really think that splashing magic water on Stewie will keep him out of hell? Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. Oh, that's very Christian.

and prove to me you truly are the sole king of Camelot... I will make love to you right here in the clearing. What ifl can just move it an inch, will you touch me? This is amazing. You've got the biggest hut in the village and all these servants... and you've only spent $1.50.

Uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom. God, let's see. What else is there? Um... I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Oh, God. I, uh,

Peter Griffin. Thanks for reading.

Uh, I'm doing a 3- episode guest shot on the Gilmore Girls. I--i play, uh--uh, Rory's motorcycle- driving boyfriend. He's a bad boy at heart, you know, but--but there's-- there's some good in there, Olivia. And--and it--It comes through, absolutely. That's really good to hear, Stewie. Please, take care of yourself.

This... This is not for you. That was weird. What was he doing? Anyway, Penelope's trying to kill you! I told you she was bad news. Look, let's just get you someplace safe. Dude! Get out of here! Stewie, step aside.

Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face. He lives with us back in quahog. You got a nice wiggle, baby.

Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle.

Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks. My God, she's incredible. Rupert, I must bring her back to the present and raise her to be my wife. Oh, God, I bet that diaper is soaking wet. I can't let her get away!

Now Mr. Griffin, would you like to begin? Ok. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to make a concession or 2. Very good, Peter. First, I will return Joe's pool. Oh, You got that right! But, In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends. No!

You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now? No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself. You're a fool, Joe! A fool!

Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow? Man, you neighbors are like viruses. Starts with a screwdriver. Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman. Jeez, Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.

Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device!

She's gone, Jillian's gone. Look, Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend? And then he got another one, and everything was all right?

"Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian? Hi, I'm Greg Louganis. I'm totally shaven. Terrific! Terrific.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Okay, Brian, I'm going to the IGA. Don't let Peter get into the cookie dough.

Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere

It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready.

Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again. And this time, I decide where the base is.

I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me... not because you have to. Thank you, Neil. Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway...

"Very interesting. "But stupid."

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you.

Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.

Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.

Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain.

And play harder, right? I bet. Step forward, maggot! (GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you. Well, why wasn't it him this time? Oh, I'm so scared. (GRUNTING) Peter, stop it! Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't you? Okay, I'll stop now.

I can't help feeling like this is somehow Meg's fault. Oh, I just can't stand the thought of losing Brian. If he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again. ANNOUNCER: One's a baby, and the other's black, f think. A t feast part black. Or Hispanic.

You drop the tab, and your son can have Meg. MEG: What? Yep, all you gotta do is sign this contract. Are you out of your mind? You can't sell me, you fat son ofa bitch! Whoa! Careful getting this fish off the hook, Mort. She's got some fangs. What do you think of that, Neil? Daddy bought you a girlfriend.

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

If she doesn't answer, does that mean yes? That's what I've been going with. (CHEERING) I want to get in on that. Mine's better. Mine's better. Mine's better!

Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk? Everything. Look, here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away. eh!

Peter, you should really slow down.

the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. - Sweetheart, that was a guy. - What? That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. What? No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. (CHUCKLING) Look at you out here, on a big trip.

Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois! Maybe I should go in. He's so upset. He's just being melodramatic. You've got to ignore it if you really want to help him. Are you flexing?

Hey, I oughta give you beer. It goes right through you. Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah? Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! Starting right...

And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you! Well... Well, I hate you, too! Oh, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue. I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid.

Are you Peter Griffin? Yes, sir, I am. I represent the man whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday. You've piqued my interest. Go on. Unfortunately for you, that man is very, very Jewish and is suing you for everything you've got, including the falcon. No! Not Xerxes! (MOTOR REVVING) You won't get away with this.

A pox on quahog!

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie!

It all sounds kind of sketchy. Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy?

Thank you for all your help. My pleasure, Peter. - Any time. - Oh, fantastic. Hey, do you still do stand-up? I do. I'm still touring. Oh, wow, can we get tickets? Absolutely. I'm in Atlanta next week. Great. Oh, well, this will be fun.

So, what was it like on the other side? Well, I met Jesus up there. Wow, what's he like? Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese.

Yeah! You're right, it is. Ha! Ha! Ha! Peter.

This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

Lois, you're too nosey. Like that waiter at that restaurant. And who had the prime rib? I hardly think that's any of your business. Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day. You gotta call Dad and get back together with...

Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Shut up! This is real.

I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you. Let's start by going down Main Street. Ok.

That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there.

Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm.

The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode. (DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

Let's close our eyes And make our own paradise

I'm usually more comfortable around things if I can put them in my mouth. So, can I put it in my mouth? I guess.

What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

I'm treating Quagmire to a night out.

Hey, Lance, it's off, it's off. It's off, it's off. (GUNFIRE, SCREAMS OVER PHONE) Throw this phone away, Lois!

Having fun, Peter? Aw, You bet. I put all my poker winnings on your dog, Mr. P. Dog? You got nothing to worry about. Sea Breeze is a sure thing. Sea Breeze? Dad, where are the jockeys? They're all in the laundry, son. I'm going Indian today.

Brian? Yeah? I don't feel so good. All right, that's it. We got to do something about this.

Peter! Gotcha! (LAUGHING)

I need her love. I need her love, and she's ignoring me. Well, let's see her try to ignore this. Lois, help! I ate this whole jar of pills that look like candy and now I feel sick.

...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo! There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.

Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names. You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child.

They charge me 90 bucks a day to keep Brian here. For 60 bucks, I could put him up at the Holiday Inn. Who's with me? (CRICKET CHIRPING) My apologies. My pet cricket has restless leg syndrome. (SIGHS) I hope Brian's stomach pains aren't anything serious.

Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house! Excuse me. We were about to use that. You snooze, you lose, lady.

Ah, Truck going by. I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Meow! - Morning. - Ah! Give it to me straight, Doc.

Tracy Flannigan. She was the greatest girl I ever met, and I blew it. (YAWNS) You should look her up.

Yes, but we're still here. So I must have done, or will do, something that will save the universe. If I can just figure out what that is... Ugh, Bertram just voided his bowels. That's it! The genetic material needed for my creation is inside me. So I'll take da Vinci's place and pass it on.

Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son

Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs? Aren't you a little over-dressed? Oh, well, I... Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's. There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and, well, i'm--I'm trying to nail the flautist. Oh, Stewie! You're adorable!

I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive! The end.

The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce?

(SIGHS) Get out! (SQUAWKING) (SQUAWKS)

(GASPS) Yeah! Peter, how are you doing that? I don't know, Lois. I'm scared. Well, come down. I can't. Get help. Call somebody. Who do I call? I don't know. A police... A fire...

I'm ready. Did you talk to Julie? Her mother won't let me see her. It doesn't matter anyway, she's back with Randall. Oh. I'm sorry. Hey, why were they shooting that scene live? Convenience. Yeah, but why'd they... Let's not start pulling threads on this one. Can we go home? Sure.

Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger... and bigger and then pops?

Ahh! ahh! AHh! ahh!

You don't need a jack. I am a jack. Come on, I'll lift that thing for you. Hey, I appreciate your help, man.

That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire.

ah! Hey, flathead, chop-chop. ah. - OH. - Oh. yeah, great job on the lawn. Now do it again, and this time leave it a little longer. Hey, Dad. Hurry up.

I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

You wanna have unprotected sex? Hmm... (EXCLAIMING)

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him!

Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

But, Peter, life in America is wonderful. That is why we risk everything to come here. I don't know, Cheech. It seems like a lot of work for no respect. Peter, America is the land of opportunity. There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy series, including That '70s Show, and...

you know, like in church and stuff but I don't think I could ever do what you do. WHy? You think you're better than me? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. What I do has to be done. He's right, Peter. You've disturbed the natural order of things. People need to be able to die.

Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed. Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me!

DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!

All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

Hey, Dad, do you want to play baseball? Oh, my God, could you leave me alone? You are the neediest kid. I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry.

I thought you were dead! Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not. I don't believe you.

(YELLING) What is it? What did you do? You almost shot me, you son of a bitch! That's because you yelled! No, you shot the gun first. That's why I yelled!

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah?

You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody, and you did it. Brian, what are you doing up there? Shh! I'm writing an article on teenage girls for a magazine. I'm studying Meg to see what goes on during her day. Well, be careful you don't fall off that ladder. Not all dogs go to heaven. So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th?

You name it Matt. (TOOTING) Peter, I honestly don't care what you say. I am going back to that clinic and I'm having that abortion. Oh, no, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Now you get out of my way! Lois, you go down there and I'll blow the place up! You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy! You know I would!

No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project. Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?

Aw, Thanks, buddy.

Peter, watch the road! Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards.

Nobody said anything about sexual.

Oh, God! Coconut!

Are you sure, O.J.? Are you sure you wouldn't like to confess to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman? What?

(VIBRATES) (LAUGHING) (PHONE VIBRATES) (EXCLAIMS)

You know, I don't believe that.

I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.

He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture. What? (LAUGHS) He's writing your name in the shower door fog with his penis. Give me that.

And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body.

It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.

But you'll find out all about that when you get... Um, Movin' on. So, uh, I finally tried Viagra and-- Oh, We got a joker in the audience there. You, uh, You got something you want to say, there, Mr. Heckler? Dying hurts. Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flyin'?

You'll be larger than life I'll be proud you fell out of my wife You'll be known, far and wide like that princess who died I'm gonna make you famous

And they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress. I don't get that one! Hi, there, Jeff. Hey, what's going on, dudes?

Why? Maybe I like fat guys. You do? Maybe I like having sex with fat guys. Yeah? Maybe I want to have sex with a fat guy right now. Well, maybe I want to have sex with an ugly, old broad! Peter! Gotcha! (LAUGHING) (BOTH MOANING)

Not having a government worked great in Somalia,

Meg, if you don't want to baby-sit anymore. that's fine. But don't you stand there and lie to me. Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass.

Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie. All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody.

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast! Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car? Blast! Ooh! A penny!

Oh, God, I can't kill Brian. Even for Penelope. He's my dog, my friend. Well, I wonder what words are gonna come out of this pen today. All right, I can do this.

Oh, no. Luke, run!

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary. Still twice yours, Joyce.

Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry. (EXCLAIMING) DREYFUSS: We talked into the night, the kind of talk that seemed important until you discover girls.

Here. Watch the Teletubbies.

Ah! Ahh! Yes, yes. Hi. Cookie? No, No, actually it's Stewie,

Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk. (ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on? Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars?

You're getting warmer. Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death. What the hell is this?

Oh, I've got some pretty nifty plans, my camera-wielding friend. - Yeah? - That's right. Every Friday night, I'm a clearance-sale area rug. Boy, I hope somebody buys me. I'd look swell in their den.

Oh, looks like somebody made a friend. I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor.

I didn't mean "oh, my God," either. I know--I know he's your God, too. I... Shh. And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to-- Uh-oh!

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez.

Ghost. - Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole. Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom. You must be the one she had that fender bender with.

Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.

Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on? I just woke up from a nap and I feel drafty. Peter, we don't have air conditioning. Well, that's awful peculiar.

Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama!

What is wrong with you people?

Aw, l-l-Let's cut! All right, y-y-You're sleeping with which producer? God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost!

Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? Yeah. And I think I might need some right now. Get out now or stay and get weird. Your call, warden. Hey, who's the new dude?

Lois! Maybe I should go in. He's so upset. He's just being melodramatic. You've got to ignore it if you really want to help him. Are you flexing? What, me? No. Why would I be flexing? I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going...

I'm confident that the people of Quahog will make the right choice. And here to help me secure the Latino vote is actor Jimmy Smits. Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil.

The irony, of course, is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched!

You remember when he bailed on us for that trip to the spa and we had to find another handicapped guy? God, Seamus. I've never seen you this naked. (EXCLAIMS) It's good to let the old midsection breathe. What... How the hell are you alive?

"'Is this better? Check, check, check. "'Jerry, pull the high end out, "'I'm getting some hiss back here.'" Say something about my mother! Oh, Yes. I'm sorry. Um, Ah...

After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. It appears a new challenger has entered the field. The crowd has fallen deathly ill-- silent. Sorry.

Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey. Listen, this may be hard for you to believe, but you're my father. Oh, am I now? Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you. I suppose it's money you're wanting. I owe you some allowance and so forth.

Mrs. Lockhart, I don't think I can do this. What? Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco!

gets the last piece of pie in the fridge.

So they sent this little warning They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox Hoping you could be coerced I can think of quite another place They should've stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic

Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darth Twitty. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - (THE GAMES THAT DADDIES PLAY - PLAYING) He put his arms around her shoulder And with a voice that sounded older

In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you.

Oh, no! Patch of sand. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God! Are you all right? I'm fine. Let's just keep riding bikes. Are you sure? That was a wicked wipeout. I'm fine. Can we just keep riding bikes, please?

(GASPS) Eli. Eli? What are you doing here? I could not let you leave without me, Meg. I love you. I love you, too. Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers. (URGES HORSES) Yeah! Choke on that, nerds.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God. What are you watching? That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch.

Let's go home, Joe. Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara.

(GRUNTS IN PAIN) Paper cut! A razor blade? Who the hell uses a razor blade as a bookmark?

Wow! Brilliantly choreographed. Well, That's your tax dollars at work. Say, why don't you Join us and see the world? Sorry, pal. I've seen the world, and its name is LoiS. How romantic! Why can't you find a nice girl? Ma, she's gonna dump hiM. Well, at least he got that faR. You know who he took to the prom? His cousin!

You have abandonment issues. You need to confront your mother and deal with this. What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah! Yeah, You bet your ass I'm right! Y-You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now! Come on!

All right, on the way back, I get to pick the radio station, because that was awful. I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry. Oh, God, I just... I hope Glenn's okay. I'm so worried about him. Shut up and limp! We're in a handicapped spot, you slut!

As long as he's a part of that family, there's no place for me. Well, I can't say I blame you. I hate him as much as you do, Brian. He's a bad fit, like a crocodile at an alligator rally. Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out! Yeah! Yeah! Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it!

Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up.

Oh, Lois, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose,

Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone. I love the trombone!

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?

Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it.

Oh, What other thing? You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first? Well, It's obvious. You know, Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera. So, the sex was good? Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass! Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

And why? To make me look foolish! No. To make you happy. I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter. But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan. Yeah, I should've guessed that when you were willing to dress up as Peter Criss. No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois! Not even Peter Criss! I guess I'm just not as cool as you thought I was.

Come on! Into the storm cellar! MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking. CHRIS: Wait, I think I found the lights.

I caught you a bullfrog outside.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

I demand to speak to your supervisor. Hold, please. oh, Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth. looks like we made it Brian, right on time. I like that. Come in. So, ready?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to the NBA Playoffs on TNT. And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge.

(CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie.

I was providing for our family. You were lying. I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney!

Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Ugh. Peter, can we just get out of here? I want to get this over with. This was part of the deal, Quagmire. I need this to be a lovely evening. Fine. How was work today? I don't want to talk about work. Hey, should we go someplace else for dessert? You know, someplace fun, downtown, where the college kids go? What? I'm not taking you to two different restaurants.

Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING)

(LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says. All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow. Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

Ok, I'm goin' out. Where are you going? To my, uh, garden club. It's 10:30 at night and you have a saddle.

So, I invited you all here to make amends. And why the hell should we trust you? Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years.

What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry. What's that big thing around his neck? Oh, I'll show you. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter.

Well, you'd be a black man.

Oh, my God. I could get away with anything. "And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight! - Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then.

All right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces. Good. Now we wait. Peter? A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

I mean, she's good at haircutting and everything. They gave her the chair right by the door. But, I guess, now she wants to hang plates on the wall or whatever. And you know she gained the weight back from the Lap-Band, right? That Bernadette and her pie. You know it, brother. Okay, I'm gonna go eat this steak in the bathroom. Thanks for getting dinner, man.

(GIGGLING) So, it's over? That seems unlikely.

Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist.

I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

and Dad gets mauled by a rodent. This place is horrible. Ok. Now, everybody calm down. We don't know anything about this community. I bet if we explore the town, we'll each find something about it we like. You know, That's a great idea, Lois. I just got to hit the can. Uh, I think there's just an outhouse, Peter.

(HUMMING) Well done, you barnacle-munching scallywiggers. Sir, we've got a man down. Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something.

I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college. Heads up! I like meeting Chris's teachers. This ought to be more interesting than... that time I met Ted Danson. Wow! Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen!

But you're standing on a trap door, and if Jabba pushes the button... (ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say? But there's a trap door right under your feet!

Pardon me, we're two Asian businessmen looking to invest in McBurgertown Industries, and we'd like a tour of your facility. You don't look Asian. Well, I guess we'll just take our millions of dongs elsewhere. Wait, wait. Let me get our general manager.

There you go. Good night.

Oh, my God! Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts. Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean.

Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed!

Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay. Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God!

Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm? I'll just pop it back in.

Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Um, If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes. Peter, Listen, the bank's taking all our stuff. And according to this if you don't pay them within 48 hours, they get the house, too. Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank!

Oh, my God, Lois.

All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

Huh. Me, too. Feels good, doesn't it? Sure does. I love you, Rupert. Don't you ever leave me again. (SIGHING) (BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING)

You'll pick up the phone and you'll sell, sell, sell. But before you go thinking it's all seriousness... the first Friday of every month is Wacky-Tacky-Tie Day... so, you know, start thinking up some fun tacky ties to wear. Oh, we're done.

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter!

All right. I made a touchdown. - Griffin, you're fired! - For what? We've had it with your crap.

Ok. I'd put Brad Pitt's face on Brendan Fraser's body with Ben Affleck's butt! My turn! My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face,

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BRAKES SCREECH) (NURSERY SONG PLAYING)

He's never coming out of that coma.

You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show? Peter, put me down. I told you not until you sing.

You were a good sport this year, Quagmire. Well, you know, Peter, it's all in good fun, right? You know, my grandfather used to have a saying... (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here? Well, I heard you're the new Nielsen family. Just hoping you plan to watch the Channel Five news.

(EXCLAIMING) How do I stop? Use the rubber stoppers on the front. Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk!

How many women just like you Have silent schemes? How many men like me Do they sleep with in their dreams?

Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story. Yes. I was so traumatized they sent me here. And I guess they must have forgotten about me.

Destroy the planet Alderaan.

I can't believe I'm sitting here with you, Miley Cyrus. It's like I'm in a dream. Well, that makes me happy, Stewie. What are you doing? Oh, I'm just writing some new lyrics. - You write your own lyrics? - Yeah. So do I.

Mission accomplished, Peter. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting. That's no good, Brian. Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people.

Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Good morning. Peter, what on earth are you wearing? It's a dashiki. And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name. From now on, call me Kichwa Tembo. Cool. And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley! Peter-- Kichwa! I'd like to have a word with you.

I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed!

I mean, I don't mean to be, I just... Look, if you don't want to fight anymore, you don't have to. Well, good. And the truth is, I suppose I kind of got most of it out of my system anyway. I love you, Lois.

You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?"

Okay, I think that's enough.

There you are. Oh, Don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Oh. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baa-shful? Oh, oh. That's right. You're all ripe for parody. Can we go now? Shut up! I'm having fun.

Hello? Quagmire? - Yeah. - Hey, it's Peter. What's going on, buddy? We're at your house. Peter, he's the one we saw sleeping with Loretta! Oh, my God! Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen! Look, I didn't mean it, you know? I--I knew it was a mistake! It never felt right! Please don't tell Cleveland! Well, all right, Quagmire.

Family, we need to talk. Your father was sexually harassed at work today. What? That's right. Angela grabbed my ass. So what? Peter, a woman can't sexually harass a man. - Why not? - I don't know.

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING)

Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F. Ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation. Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that?

Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois dowN. Locked and loaded, Sir. Wait. You can't shoot my mom! Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go! All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh?

"Chapter Three. Here Comes Utah." Let me see that. "Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore. What the hell? Are these schools so underfunded that they can't afford textbooks from this century?

lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house

We're just gonna have to try and figure out the code. When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. Don't worry about it, Brian. MAN: Hey, what's going on down there? Nothing. All right. All right, now, where would they keep a dead body in a pharmaceutical lab?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention.

Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible.

I'm sorry, Peter, but I just don't think Pewterschmidt is country club material. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to shoot Michael Stipe. (STIFLING LAUGH) Is that him in the corner? Yes, that is him in the corner. Is that him in the spotlight? Would you... Oh! Damn it! Now he got away! Oh, no. I said too much? I want you out of here!

(GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING) All right, now, I've been trying to figure out something we can do together, and I think I've found it. We're gonna sing a song. Now, I'll start, and when I point to you, you'll sing your part. Ready?

(GROANS) What the hell happened? Joe! You're okay! Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

I just went to the doctor, got my cholesterol checked. Wow. Why does a guy in his 20s need to get his cholesterol checked? Oh, come on, now. Oh, hey. I never got your name. Peter. Peter Griffin. And I'm... Catch you later, Peter.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger.

You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes. LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah. LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah. LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth. Oh, my God, that's so disturbing.

But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become!

Hey, Quagmire. Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or--or boating, or owning a boat. Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats.

If you're really sincere If you're really sincere If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right!

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

All right, men, this is it. Technology versus old-timey wooden stuff. Let's hit 'em hard. What, again, was the nature of your beef with them? I don't know. Something about a roller coaster. Let's go.

You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

This isn't so bad. Yes, the people are friendly. I say the media has totally blown this whole thing out of proportion. Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack. Big boom. No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins.

See? We had a plan for that all along. Bye, new awesome friends. Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break.

I just can't believe he's gone. (Pastor) Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. Daddy, I'm gonna miss you. Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too. But you're makin' a scene. All our friends are here.

(YELLS) (SCREAMING) Dad! What are you doing? All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt for about three weeks.

Take this, for protection. What the hell's this for? When the time comes,

Well, lookie here. What do we got in this thing? Oh, come on! You planted that there! We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high? You boys are in a lot of trouble. Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American,

But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call, like your father who shall remain namelesS. Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS!

Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me. Where's your father? He's still down in the basement. Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.

it's horse sperm. I'm a horse breeder now.

Damn it. Why is he still with us?

(SIREN BLARING)

Play me down the stairs, boys. Good day. Enchante. Pasta Fazul. Mmm. Looking good, fellas.

Joan, um, you mind if we come in? There's, um... There's been an accident. This is, uh, not gonna be easy, but it's something you should see. PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business.

Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement. Everyone, Ricardo and I are getting married!

Wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow. Yeah. Well, then don't worry about it.

(SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot. (SIGHS) Finally!

and I put it all on 16 because of that Taylor Swift song, Sixteen. That song is called "Fifteen." It came up 15! Stewie, that was all the money I brought.

Oh, Look at you. Big man, can't even afford to buy an air conditioner for your family. What a bitch. Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom.

Peter, I think I've got a solution that'll make things right for both of us. I'm listening. Well, the way I figure it, the only way to even things out between us is if you have sex with someone else, too. You want to get me laid? Yes, Peter, because I don't want to lose you. Well, it would make us even.

Oh, you are just the worst type of person.

That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris? You know, this place may be the upside to everything that's happened. The people are kind and generous. They seem wholesome and moral, exactly the kind of influence this family needs. Lois, we're living in a red state with a bunch of right-wing nut jobs. Hey, Chris, check out my belt buckle.

Just wanted to take you up on your nice offer from earlier. (STAMMERING) What... I don't... What offer? (SNICKERS) You know, the bit about "If there's ever anything I can do..." - So, yeah. - Oh. Yeah, thought I might make a go of it on land. So, anything you can ever do. Here I am. Thank you.

Oh! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

Oh. Do you mind if I take this script? Yeah, sure, whatever. He just pays me to watch him sleep and rub this knife across my face while I do it. (RASPING) Okay. Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah.

Not in front of the baby!

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio. Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast.

Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye. Shall we?

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like saltwater taffy or a Chunky. Oh, no! there's 4 tickets and one of them's gone, that--that--that-- that leaves...

Believe it or not, men like to cuddle. Even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson. Hey, Charles Bronson's wife. Scooch over. I want to cuddle. Mmm! That's nice. (DOORBELL RINGS) All right, as soon as they answer, you can go.

It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

He's a family guy (BANGING ON DOOR)

My son happens to be very sensitive about his extra nipples. See, look. They're coming right off. Nipples shouldn't just come off like that. Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television!

(PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too.

Well, it looks like you're gonna be reunited with Rupert after all. And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.

It's funny when it happens to other people. Ugh! That's the end of those underwears.

Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You got any dents you need hammered out?

What the hell? I found it! I found the last scroll! He found it! Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!

Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're... God, I wish I could make you understand. You don't know what you need. - I know what she needs. - You do? You bet. Bring her by my house around 8:30 tonight, I'll take care of her. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Mom said I should come over here?

Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man. Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like. A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right.

Chris, I saw the body. Premeditated murder is one thing, but I will not have lying in this house. Wait, hold it. Can we finish this after Joan ofArcadia? ls Joan ofArcadia on?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Brian's gonna be so mad at me.

Hey. You, me, ba-boom, huh?

Now, help me move this guy's body! (GROANS) He's still alive!

You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction. But, Dad... Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you. You're very polite. You're very polite. You do not see that these days. You do not see that. I like you. I like you.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

I had that for breakfast!

Doo-doos! They're stinky! (GROANS) Quagmire, how would you like to help me commit suicide?

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible. So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't.

I think he bled out. I must have hit the femoral artery. Ah, just kick him into Mexico. Guys, I can't thank you enough for what you did.

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill. Oh, thank God.

Hey, Dale, I noticed your lawn's getting a little high. Yeah. I used to have a guy for that. Dick. Okay, now, you have a good one.

Zero chance. (THUNDER RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) It's a boy! Victory shall be mine!

Lois, it just sounds like busy work. It is busy work. I'm trying to keep you off the streets and off drugs. I'm selling those candy bars! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, hey, hey, you want to buy some candy bars so we can get some new uniforms for our baseball team? Where'd you get those candy bars?

"Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

I told you I'm not comfortable. I think you could respect that. You know? I do respect. I totally respect it. That just makes me want you more, you know? Come on, man. Let's just... Let's just go nuts. Let's just...

That's not a knife. That's a knife. This is also a knife.

Wait a second. Got something. This could be the real deal, boys! Let's do it!

Oh, my God, I hope the guys at Sears portrait studio will be able to retouch this. What am I saying? Of course they will. They're Sears. What the deuce? Well, hello there. I say, you're a cute little fellow. Tell me something, what do you think about Rose McGowan? Yeah, she makes my turtlehead go in, too. How about Michelle Rodriguez?

(ROARING) (GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Dear Stewie, I want you to know that I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hell hole entirely on your awful mother. If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza.

Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, don't pout, honey.

Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch.

(EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes!

(GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive! The end.

Here, let me help you with that.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole 'Cause if you use toad

It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus.

Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream.

I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not. Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so.

Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har. Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing?

When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours. (YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois. Lois!

Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do? I got first place, Dad. Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High. Oh, Cool. Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.

What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time. And where would I fit in with the fun time?

Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie. (WHISPERING) She doesn't know what "Mr." means. Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West, Mr. Oh, my God, seriously. I know what you're all thinking, but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together,

All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop. Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just...

Okay, I got a little off track there, but they went to his cabin. Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin. He calls it his "sex cabin." No, he doesn't. He calls it "The Stuffet Inn." Oh, my God, I can't believe you knew about this and you let her go.

Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.

Guys? That's my idea.

(MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING) Stop riffing!

Well, If there's $50,000 in it, I don't think I got a choice. Well, You can whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50. No, no. We covered that. You ain't got a chance, Griffin. Daggermouth killed my friend Salty. And he was twice the fisherman you are. And half the weight! tss. Hey! No! No! Hot!

There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky! (GROANS) Quagmire, how would you like to help me commit suicide? And then I got that job on the Starship Enterprise.

What's going on? Nothing. All right. Hi, boys. Your ride is here. Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game. Oh, God. The pressure's too much. I just lost control of my bladder.

There you are. Congratulations. You are both in the army. We're both... What? That's ridiculous. I'll tell you what's ridiculous. The Kaiser. Somebody should put him on a roll. Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie.

A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place. Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit! Hmm. Look, This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Tonight's the night Let's live it up I got my money Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse. Would you excuse me a second? Okay, I'm back. Here we come, here we go We gotta rock

Oh, Chris, my baby! Hi, Mom and Dad. Everybody, this is my wife, Loka. We're married. Well, maybe here, but not in America, where God pays attention. Now, get your things together. We're leaving right now. Mom, I'm not going anywhere. I'm happy here.

Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh? Look how confident he is, how majestic. Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard. Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards.

Yay! I did it! Thanks, Fairy God Peter! Peter, the power was within you all along. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam.

You see, none of us are perfect. (PEOPLE CHEERING) (SCREAMING) (PEOPLE SHOUTING) Well, I guess he did do it.

we had way better drinking games. Ow! Ha! Ha! You drink! It's the cops! Run! Hold it, you two. Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally? Uh, uh...

No, she can't fire herself. PETER: She's firing herself with her lack of talent and her lack of funniness. I just... You know, I feel like you and I have captured lightning in a bottle... CHRIS: We have. Yes! ...with Handiquacks. And she's just coming in, unscrewing the top, and letting it all out. Meg, your services will no longer be needed.

but it's a wonderful gift to be able to give someone, so I am going through with it. Well, I support you, Lois. I think it's great what you're doing. Yeah, it's great. You're treating your vagina like a Red Roof Inn. That's not how it is, Stewie. She's doing something wonderful for a couple who can't have their own children and are too egotistical to adopt. You know what's interesting about Lois' vagina, Brian?

At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this.

I know my way around a joke.

We're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis. (HISSING) Don't look right at it. My STDs help it burn brighter.

All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations. Thanks, Regis. REGIS: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show." So, we need five consonants and a vowel. Oh, okay. Um... "Z." Four. "Q."

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

The novel I chose to address is Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. Queer name, right? The book was actually not bad. For your information, Jillian is very bright, and she happens to be a very talented photographer. Oh, that is so lame. Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she is a photographer.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home.

We was just wondering if you could send him back. Uh-huh.

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want?

Hey, what's that sound? You're urinating! So it's been you all along! Oh, This is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex.

What are your demands? We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world. Greetings, loyal minions. (GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news!

(GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it!

Why'd we take his leg? Well, we're in their country, Brian. We have to observe their customs. Oh, dear.

What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself. Loretta? Hello, Cleveland. What are you doing here? Cleveland, I've been doing some thinking lately about how much I miss you. I'm sorry for hurting you.

Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him! Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt.

Actually, Peter... Gattaca! Gattaca!

Wait a minute, wait. Where's Meg?

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone. Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you.

Well, hello, you two. How's your little experiment going?

And your wife is this piece of pie?

You'll never take me alive!

What's going on here? Oh, We invited Neil's family over for dinner. Hi! Hello!

That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007,

(RETCHING) (GROANING)

He could have killed him and got himself off scot-free! (SIGHS) He took the Twitter name Mayor West, so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker! But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore.

Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands We are the Quahog colonists and Mort the Jew Hey there

Did you hear that, Lois? We're going to Hollywood! where the people are sexy and clever and they always say something funny right before the commercial break.

Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed. Well, someone should be. I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris. We just don't know what else to do. Well, I think we may have a solution. We have these cats that hang around the school, and we feed them. Why doesn't Chris come in, and we can treat him like one of the cats? Then, in a couple of years, we'll give him a diploma.

Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire.

Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING)

I got us a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass pinata, the works! You got all those things?

So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this.

Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you? I'm Luke Skywalker.

Peter, have you been drinking? Well, a little. It is a party.

Sorry you have to share a bed, boys. I'm a little short on space. Have a good sleep. Hey, Chris... whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough... but when she smiles, you see too much gum.

No. I'm Dean Koontz. Oh. ugh! Ugh! But, uh, you know, thanks to these sessions, i--i--I think I'm ok. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents!

Well, before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms. Ok, drop it! All right, you guys. Let's get out of here.

While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

It'll be like she never existed. Now grab ahold of yourself. All right. Now--Now, listen. You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat. You may have killed her when you hit her with the stool. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her. Smoking! You have our support, Griffin.

Shirt Pants? What kind of name is that? I don't know. What's your name? I kinda think it's Manly Walker. Wheeler? No, Walker. Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right. It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar.

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God!

PETER: Here's your milk. Rupert, my transporter is complete. If my calculations are correct, the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation will soon be here to answer all my questions. (WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong.

Oh, yeah? That's nothing. Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad.

Go ahead, Professor Watkins, fail me if you want. Give me an "F" on the exam. I don't care because I got an "A" today, as a dad.

Sorry, Chris. Me and my damn appetite! this isn't the first time it's gotten me into trouble.

Hey, Mom, Mr. Swanson's here to visit us. What? Oh, my God, we got to get out of here! Taxi! Follow that family.

Open it! Ahh! Let me go! Help! Help! All right. Where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search, I swear! Ahh! Sir, we apologize. Griffin, There's no easy way to say this. I think you have a drug problem. A drug problem? What's this really about? Jealousy?

So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't. - Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus.

You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it!

We went dancin' Across the USA On that crazy king's highway

Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff. Patrick? Patrick!

The board of directors is fully prepared to run the company in Carter's absence, if that's what you'd prefer, Mrs. Griffin. Well, yes, I think that'd be best. Well, now, wait a second, Lois. I could run the company. You? You can't run a business that size. You have no experience. You know what that is, Lois? That's you playing by the rule book.

Wally! Good to see you.

Dad, Now that you're retired, you're comin' to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down. Jeez, Brian, buckle up. Hey, What do you say, Dad? I don't want to be a bother. It's no bother, is it, Lois?

My God, this house is freakin' sweeT Welcome That's a wrap, people. Now Let's get the hell out of here. Wait A second. Where are you going?

We wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really-- Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like to plow you.

Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't do it. I thought, "Is this in bad taste?" But you know what? I went for it. I went for it and I am so glad I did. Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle.

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! (GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that?

Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old.

Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for?

so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body! Computer on. 30 minutes before ship re-expansion. Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS.

Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING)

That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point. I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes. Well, here I am trying to help you with something...

Hit me. Peter, don't. - Hit me. - 21. - Hit me. - Peter! - Hit me. - That's 30. Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car.

how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you?

You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!

You know, it's remarks like that that started the Holocaust, and I know none of us want that to happen again. (GLASS SHATTERING) And after that blow to the head, it all started coming back to me. So I rushed back to Quahog, and here I am. So what you're saying is we've got a homicidal baby on our hands.

Well, what is it, then? I'm pregnant!

And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands, he didn't lose his ability to feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News. Great story, Lois. Thanks. I just made it up.

Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now.

Damn it. (GASPS)

Where's the damn pull string? Ah. Aah! Ha. You never know what you're gonna find down here. Aah!

Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99.

Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight. You're on. I'll take the Don Martin-looking one. Welcome to Shawshank Prison. I'll be your warden. And even though I'm the only character in this movie who's not a criminal, I will be the bad guy.

You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane. (SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce. I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30. But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room.

Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. Oh, god!

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

Yeah. Can I have this third thing down, please? Ah, very good, sir. And for you? (SPEAKING FRENCH) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Excellent. (SPEAKING FRENCH) Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there. He also speaks Orange.

I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official.

Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face. Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS)

I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Ouahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

Well, what you waiting for? Come to the Virgin Dutch Front Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles. It's only a hop, skip, and a small plane ride that scares you something terrible.

Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy. Lois would never cheat on me. I trust her completely. Excuse me.

Dad, stop. Leave him alone. Father, what are you doing? I am going to kill that man. That man is my girlfriend Meg. (PETER CHUCKLES) This is against everything our people stand for. Will you listen to me for one moment? You were so worried about these outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me.

Yes, I've also been known to answer to Artimus, Agent Buchwald, and Snake. Yes, Yes, i--I rather like Snake. Snake Griffin. Cookie.

Oh, baby! Oh, Sandy! Oh, yeah! Oh, Sandy! Ohhh...

You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it! Well, great, I should probably get some sleep. Tomorrow on Petey's Funhouse, we're doing "Who's on First?" I'm gonna play Costello, and Abbott is gonna be played by a live puma. Peter, that sounds really... You know what? Sounds great. Have fun.

Hey, I've got moxie, too! Watch this! Carmen Miranda Carmen Miranda Was she a singer? Was she a dancer? Nobody knows They just remember the fruit Pewterschmidt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit? There are people dying in hilarious places. That is it! You are officially kicked out of this club!

Good morning, Mom and Dad. Wow! Look who's finally out of her room after five days. Oh, you're alive. I guess you are gonna need that college fund. Chris, do Daddy a favor. In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel.

Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek. I wonder if she's thinking about me.

Forget it, Peter. You don't have A chance. Yeah. You never win anything. Remember when you went on Password? This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall. The password is "flaming." You... Actor. You...

Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad. I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself.

I'm not getting any reception! Me neither! No bars!

I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age? Hurry up! The glue's wearing off! All right! All right! We did it. Job well done.

except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know. I'm eating number two now. Eating for two, honey. I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back.

Wow. My own office. Well, I guess I better get busy.

Thanks. Hey, listen, I just found out that you were the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4,

Griffin. Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

- Morning, Peter. - Hey, Joe.

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Yeah, but this one comes with your own company SUCK-UP. Morning, Mr. griffin. Nice day. Ah, It's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie. I hate this tie. It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go. And I hate myself.

That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love. But I forget how to make love. (SHUSHING) That's okay. I'll show you. Just follow my lead. (FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME PLAYING)

Uh-oh! Your powers are weak, old man. CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time. No!

I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees? My boy wants to know about sex. Came to the right place.

Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man. Oh, walk away.

Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie? Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie. Guess I've got milk. Heh, heh, heh. Don't shoot me!

The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me. Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian. Hello there, sexy. Hey, do you mind? We were having a conversation. My house has 8,000 square feet, zero bookshelves. Wow, that's impressive. I'm a writer, published twice.

No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now? Look, my ears are ringing, my foot arches are hurting, and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes. Peter, you sound like an old fart.

Starting right... Well. not now. But soon! Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these.

We're even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio. Freak. So stay inside and stay cool.

You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?

Oh, no, they took my gym shoes. Sorry, glutes, no blasting today. They took my dirty rope that was tied in a knot! They stole the chair I use in the shower! They stole all my pens! I... I don't have a lot of stuff. Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder.

Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets!

Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City?

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three. Hey! What you doing down there, Lois?

Hey, Jim, come out in the yard, will you? Sure thing, Vern. (GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian! Don't ask me how he did it, but Jim Varney got the shotgun! Run for your life! What? Run!

There you go, kiddo. All clean. Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman!

- oh, I am sorry, buddy. - it's ok. Are you ok? You all right? Look, It's ok. It's Ok, I'm fine. Oh, boy. Everybody's fine. Oh, That was scary. Peter, what are we doing here? Trust me, Quagmire. Cleveland will never think to look for you at Mayor West's house. Hey, there. How you doing? Good evening, gentlemen. Listen, Mayor West, my friend Quagmire here's in trouble.

Laugh and cry He's a family guy Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing?

I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty

It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one?

Peter, come help decorate the Christmas tree. One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season.

Cindi was right. We need a lot more work. Uh, e-e-Excuse me. Yeah, uh, Hi, i'm--I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, uh, as many of you may know, I recently came into some money.

So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem. I got a girl pregnant. What do I do? And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face,

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives. Ha! Yeah. Yeah.

Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant... just to sit around and do whatever you want. Wow! Imagine what a genius like me could do with all that money. All right, Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these beanbags. I don't know how to juggle-- God help you, Cloris! Juggle the beanbags!

He's never coming out of that coma. aah! Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

I see what you're saying.

You gave away all the presents? Lois, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Peter, you brought glad tidings to a family less fortunate than your own. You mean you're not mad? Well, I am little irritated that I have to do all the shopping again. But at least some good came out of it.

Chuck, it's me, Morty. Yeah, 'cause we could... What? Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you...

So, uh, Peter, Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? You bet. A week's vacation, a new V.C.R., And best of all, my own copy of K.I.S.S. Saves Santa. You just practice that guitar, Santa.

I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here.

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie.

Good job, Brian. Don't worry. I'll help you through this. So, you wanna get something to eat? Can we go someplace where the menus have pictures of the food? Let's go someplace where the menus have pictures of food! Gosh, I really enjoyed the movie tonight.

Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it.

And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities. Holy crap! They're all so... small. Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries. Sign me up, Jack, and give me the biggest freakin' gun you got.

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

You know, make some new friends.

Wait a minute. Something's different. Hmm. Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager? And help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding. Holy crap. It's a gay bar!

So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity? Mom, this party sucks. I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old. Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together. And he says he's got a big surprise for you.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Armando, do you have the rent? We are trying, Senor Griffin. But the land, she gives us nothing.

Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?

Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt!

How could this have happened? It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water. Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? Come on, honey. This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner city immigrants. (LATINO MUSIC PLAYING) (GUN FIRING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Ah! That breeze is gorgeous. And I think I smell croissants? Do you? You have an amazing sense of smell. - Oh, there it is. - There's what? Oh, nothing. Just the Goodyear Blimp. - It says, "I love you, Kate," all in lights. - (GASPS) Here? In Paris? Yeah, it's here for Wimbledon or something. Oh, my God.

They didn't think I was far enough, but I was like, "I can tell you I'm far enough." LOIS: And that's when Chris was born. Gosh, that's all so fascinating. Let me ask you something else. Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about? - Oh, God, yes. - Oh, my God.

(CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on. This government's FCC is trying to take all the farts away from television!

CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack!

Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.

but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher. Dad, you... You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights.

We just don't know what else to do. Well, I think we may have a solution. We have these cats that hang around the school, and we feed them. Why doesn't Chris come in, and we can treat him like one of the cats? Then, in a couple of years, we'll give him a diploma. That doesn't sound like he'll be getting the best education. I don't know, Lois. Some of those cats go on to get pretty good jobs.

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat.

Well, yeah. Why not? You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show. Really? Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half. What? Saw me in half. Well, I am still a little shaky on some of this stuff. I guess I could use the help. Great. And we'll get you a wand, a top hat and a cape.

Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING) Wow! What a hero. Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?

This is the worst use of money since I tricked out my big wheel. Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.

I'm gonna go sit in the car and pretend like I'm driving.

My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous!

Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't do it. I thought, "Is this in bad taste?" But you know what? I went for it. I went for it and I am so glad I did. Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.

you freakin' son of mine! I got $5,000 for that painting you made me! But i--I painted that just for you. Aw, Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it. And Now we all get a free trip to New York 'cause Mr. Monatti thinks you could be a famous artist. Monatti? Antonio Monatti? You've heard of this man? Ho, Ho, Ho! He's only the biggest art dealer in New York.

The story on everyone's mind continues to be the absence of police officers in Quahog. Sir, as a citizen, how has this affected you? The police are gone? Oh, my God, we're finally safe!

Goodbye Say goodbye to manhood Goodbye Say goodbye to babies Say goodbye to kids like Meg Vacuum out your sac

Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family. Peter, the horse is here.

Wait a minute. That's the smartest thing I've ever heard... anyone say about anything. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way. Shut up. Mom, it's not your decision. I want to be exploited. Meg, don't you talk to me like that. Look, Lois, I love Meal Ticket just as much as I love Chris and Stevie...

but are you doing anything Thursday night? You probably have plans anyway. You know what. Forget it, forget it, forget it. Nervous. You know, Ryan, most people take one look at me and just assume that I have plans. So I never get asked out. But I frequently don't have plans,

Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High.

(PENCIL SCRIBBLING) Mmm. I bet you taste like Mountain Dew and Starburst. Boy, everybody turned out for this thing, huh? Sorry, all the boys can go home. We only have one part left for a little girl.

No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore. I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order.

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that? (STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home.

This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot. Oh, boy, that whole day was a mess, huh? What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family. I thought being rich would solve all my problems, but all it did was make me forget what was important.

Peter, you were the only one who was even taking this thing seriously. Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it. Oh, come on. You're acting crazier than when you were going through your Parker Lewis phase. Peter, you ready for dinner? That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show.

- Inbreeding? - Take a look! I started with one family of magic elves, and every year I needed more and more to keep up. Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind.

Nah, nah Family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, edited for goats.

Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter?

You! How came you by this metal construct? I demand to know who made you! Stewie, it's not polite to point. I'm so sorry. That's ok, Lois.

Oh, God, it's so hot. Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum.

So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one? Hey, Can someone fluff Paul? He's got, like, a windsock thing going on. So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?

I think you're dreaming. No, I'm not.

Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is. - From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots. Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache?

No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.

Hey, eye floater! Hi! Hey, hey, where are you going? Away from your pupil. Well, maybe I'll look over here! I'll go over here! You've got an answer for everything, don't you? (GUITAR PLAYING)

Yo, man! That's trippin'! Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house!

TERRORIST: We missed!

Please. Please. We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat. Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um,

I'm telling you, Joe, he's as annoying as mosquitoes in the summertime. Can I come in there with you? There's light in there. No. Go away. Can I please come in? You have juice, and I want to sit in it. Shoo! Get lost.

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction.

My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter. What a feeling.

I used to pass lots of gas Lois ran away Now we've got 30 rooms

Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna, and she's doing a great job. Loretta's a nobody. Diane Simmons is a star.

which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins.

Yeah, I'm not psychic.

but I created an exact replica of the Raytheon executive headquarters in El Segundo, California. Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend. (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops! Hey, excuse me, fella? Yeah, what do you want, shrimp?

WEll, It's an exciting day For all here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. Wouldn't you say, Tom? Diane, I'd say it was perfect if you Weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage. Now, Let's go live to the field where the Black Knight is preparing to challenge his next opponent.

and you can stop acting like such a jackass.

Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch.

'Twas Beauty killed the Beast.

I'm glad you guys could come tonight. Chris, honey, we wouldn't miss your open house. You kids are the most important thing in our lives. Oh, my God! We forgot Meg. Don't worry about Meg. She's got everything she needs in her room.

Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs.

Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.

Hello, Peter. How are you?

Penelope Ann Miller, Nancy Travis, now those are movie stars. Look, Anthony, trust me, she ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off, it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza. Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific. Anyway, good night, kids. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

What the... FRANZ: So now you know the truth. (COCKS GUN)

I love you. Fuck off.

What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy. Yes, yes. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry. Whatever you say. mama's boy. Blast!

Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man.

I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof and wave my arms and go, "Whoo! I'm in Hollywood!" (WHOOPING) I'm in Hollywood! See? I said I'd do it! Peter, would you put that thing away? We're trying to eat dinner. I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message, like, four hours ago.

Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Well, it just goes to prove that even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychopathic killer. Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood.

But would any of you take the time to help me?

This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part 4.

Hey, does--does anybody have any drugs? I'm looking to score some drugs? Dad, get away from me. Connie Demico is looking. So that's Toad Girl, huh? Yeah. And that's Connie. I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids.

Now that Grandpa's retired,

No. It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time. But she's my favorite. Oh, my God. Are you crying? Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero! I love her so, so much! And this is the only time she's gonna be in town! And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me? No.

He's wearing a wire.

Hey, that's not art! Amateur! Hey, that's my dad! Except for that one. That's my dad if he were a cat. He's the whole reason I'm here.

Only, like, all the time! Perfect! Now we just need the 50 bucks. Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have named that star for Mort. (GROANS) Just give me the money. Peter, we're not spending $50 so Chris can stuff his face with hot dogs.

Hello, Mr. Peter. No school today. So, I bring my nephew Mikey. You want to buy a light-up yo-yo? Well, kind of. That's it! Peter, we have got to get rid of her. I couldn't agree more.

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying. Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle.

Peter? You're still not friends with that idiot after what he did? Well, I mean, that may be a little harsh. I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party. I just smoked the wrong side ofa cigarette! Who wants to go swimming? This song is about me!

(CHOKING) There's nothing to do downtown. Enough of this. Vader, release him. As you wish. (GASPING) All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole? Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow, if price is no object. Uh... We'll get estimates. (LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY) Get estimates, yeah, yeah.

What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry. - There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry.

It was just here in the woods.

Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running?

Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed. Uh... Lois, aren't you a little freaked out by this? Why? Everybody's having a great time. Besides, think of the money we're making.

LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah.

Hey, fellas! Guess what? I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club.

Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are.

I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go. - But, Rita... - Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you?

All right, fine. You can stay if you want. But what do I tell Lois?

Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

(GLASS SHATTERS) Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?

What's that mean, anyway? "And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox.'"

(CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college. And now to present the award for Sickest Onscreen Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness, Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls. Yay, Jesus! That's my buddy, Jesus.

No, but I mean after soccer practice. You got anything planned for then? I mean, nothing, nothing. Keep walking. You don't know me.

Let's get a drink. Get a drink. Let's get a drink. I thought of it first.

Well, what timE?

Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

Of course, I'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me. You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that. - You wanna hook up? - Buy me something.

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

He sleeps 18 hours a day, he refuses to bathe, and he's stopped making any sense. Aw, that sounds like the sad little fat girl who lives in all of us and is struggling to get out. (GRUNTS) Did my parents call yet? Nobody's looking for you! Now, stay in there! Sometimes she tries to get out the other way. That's why I keep a cork in my bum.

Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha!

All right. Let's try this again. (WHIRRING) (ALL MURMURING) It's them! I did it! The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I? What's going on? Greetings, everyone. My name is Stewie Griffin.

Hint-hint. Oh, Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas. That's never happened before. Morning. Jeez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you mean? Aah! Don't you see what's happening? Of course I do, Lois.

Unfortunately, she left for dinner with another guy about half an hour ago. What? We had a date. Yeah. I'm afraid that's Nicole. She's 21 and gorgeous. Guys ask her out all the time and I think she loses track. Oh, for God's sake! Well, let me at least leave my car-insurance information for her.

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. You know, you really hurt me, Chris. I know. I was wrong. I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna. Please, just give me another chance. Gosh! He doesn't look so good. I know. But you do.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President!

So, have you seen Ghostbusters?

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here. Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day.

Damn it. We were so close to saving Meg. Hey, where's my sister? She's probably having her shish kabobbed as we speak. I heard that from Samantha in Sex and the City 2. (GIBBERING LOUDLY) I haven't seen it yet. That doesn't hurt the story.

Our husbands couldn't have done this. Yeah. Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the 4th of July! Excuse me, Do you know where I can find Nigel Pinchley? I'm from quahog Insurance, and I have a check for him. $5 million? Yeah. lucky fella took out a huge policy the day before the fire. Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious?

(MUSIC PLAYING) Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown.

Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

- Hey, do you hear that? - What?

Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm. Your father. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed. Ooh! How deliciously evil looking!

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave. Nice going, Dad.

Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal.

Oh, Ah, Hi, Bonnie. This is my friend Big Fat Paulie. And, uh, This is his big fat ass. What's on your mind, Petey?

Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin.

I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! Play with this! At least you can spend your final moments doing something you enjoy. You know, it's funny, I had actually stopped playing with that toy, but now that I see you with it, I kind of want to play with it again.

That happened, and we all let it happen.

For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom. Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.

hey, Careful, Quagmire. Don't--Don't get too close to that thing. Ah! Ugh. What the hell? Did I just get laid? Nice game, Peter.

I'm still gonna. Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous. I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche. Well, there is a way you can make it up to me. How? Tell me what it was like being one of them.

Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm!

Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night.

God, he's right. I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark. Rupert, I've been all talk. So much time wasted. Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman. I'll do to her what douche bags did to the guitar. This is a song I wrote last summer. It's called Water.

(YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you?

Now, let's grip it and rip it.

God, this is going to be a long night. Oh, Brian, let's dance. This song kicks ass. Hold on to the night Hold on to the... Man, I gotta tell you, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg.

I don't know what I was thinking. I made nine mistakes, and I was afraid that I was gonna make another one. And you know what? I almost did. Adam, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

"Falcon stolen." Ew! There's a toenail in this. Guess I'll just go back to coughing. (COUGHING)

I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster. Oh, darn it. Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS) How about me, sir? Am I too fat to ride? No, you don't seem to be. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

Oh, And Busch Light.

Laugh and cry He's a family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to America's Next Top Model. I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) (SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

I forgive you. Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends. But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts?

Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Some geek on top of Town Hall and he's about to jump! Oh, my God! Neil! Is it Neil? Ha. I've been calling him Ned all week.

...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...The Mondo Twins... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING)

Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Look who I found at the train station!

There we go. Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here.

Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are?

Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

(SNIFFLES) Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?

All right, all right. Brian, let's go for a walk.

What's the guy from Earl's credit rating? Six fifty-one. That's not bad. Better than mine. Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself? He's got an idea, but it's not quite there. I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that seems like it's more her market.

I don't want to be a bother. It's no bother, is it, Lois? Of course not, heh. It'll be fun. You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies. Hey, There you go, Lois. You love kids.

Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Stewie, look! A butterfly. Let's get it!

And we'd like it if she got into the university. Go on, take it. Wait over there.

Oh, God! Coconut!

QUAGMIRE: (ON RECORD) I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you. The reason being that you have sufficiently scared me away from your wife or daughter. I plan to get help and use better judgment in the future. Wait a minute. So Quagmire just changed all of a sudden, just like that? You want me to read this or not? No, Grandpa, I don't. No kid wants to be read anything anymore.

I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction.

Well, listen to this! Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give

Hey, cats, is everybody cool? Sammy Davis Jr.? What are you doing up here? Whatever Frank tells me to do, man. Hey, Sam, get back in here and carry my golf clubs. Yes, boss. (LAUGHS) Ew. Seems kind of racist, doesn't it? No, no, 'cause Sammy's in on it.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either. (PETER EXCLAIMS) Anyone who wants a piece of O.J. has to get by me.

Nice to see you

Ok, I'll give you a shot. I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor of quahog. You get it and I'll make you a reporter. You got it. Run, little rabbit, run. But someday our 2 worlds will be one.

Now, Brian, I know this is a bad time for you. And If I have any advice to give you, it is this. Grow a beard. Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing. Beards are so ugly. Hey!

(KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

Fellas, fellas, can't we talk this over? Talking is for terrorists and blacks. In Texas, we execute the retarded! Oh, my God. So, this is how it ends? I always thought I'd die having to sit through the Canadian Film Festival. I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves. Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian.

We're not too late. Hey! Hey! Can I help you, gentlemen? Follow that truck. Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck." Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please." Please follow the truck. Please follow the truck. (TIRES SQUEALING)

(GRUNTING) (HISSES) Hey, get out here and fight me! (GRUNTS) (COUGHS)

I think it's time someone sits his kerfluffin' down and has a talk with his unemployed son. If Peter needs to talk he'd best go to confession to beg forgiveness for all his failings! Have a glorious day. Peter, How can you just sit there and let him talk like that? Aw, He's right, Lois. I am no good.

Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man. (CHUCKLES) You said it, friend.

I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night.

Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-- Ooh.

I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!

We gotta do something about this. His whole life is about that stupid cat. Hey, you know, the cat's alone at Quagmire's right now. You know what we should do? We should go over there and shave it. That's a great idea! Let's do it! Let's shave the cat! Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie.

and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs.

Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit.

Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow?

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.

Meg, honey, are you ok? Yeah, I think so. The quahog Cable Television Transmitter. Oh-oh.

All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

All right, here goes nothing. I'm going to sneak up on that guy.

All right, Mr. Griffin. Jobs you think you would be suited for. Let's see what you wrote. "Cowboy, astronaut... "warlock, more powerful astronaut, beer expert." Yeah. And I need something that pays more than my last job as... Sandy Duncan's glass eye. PETER: Hey Sandy. Sandy? SANDY: What?

Well, you give them my best. Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach. Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's. You've never been to Kohl's? Well, let me tell you about Kohl's.

Well... Oh, what is it? No, no, I can't. Lois, I feel like we're really bonding here tonight. Come on, let's hear it. Well, I have had an abortion. (MOCK SNORING) Oh, wake me up when you got something good. Oh, my goodness, sarcastic sleeping.

Hey, I need more cheese puffs, manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? $100,000. Pretty good, huh? Jeez! He's been in L.A. how long? Unbelievable.

Say what, what! Ha! Ha! Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality? Shut up, Brian. I am part of a very special community now. People with mustaches look out for each other. Hey. Oh, hey! MAN: Hey!

I say, anybody listen to Howard Stern this morning? He had some strippers in the studio. They sounded hot. Then he made a joke about a negro. But Robin laughed, so it was okay.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out.

Bloody hell, I'm a woman!

Hmm, The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom. You're saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it. As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The clitoris-- Nature's rubik'S cUbE."

Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled. Oh no, Peter, how could they do that?

It's go time. (CLANKING) Peter, what the hell was that? That's what you do, Lois. Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm that I'm at the various checkpoints.

Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor. Should we go upstairs? Sounds good to me.

So be it, A.N.N.A. I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels

I guess I should dial something first.

Oh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it. Watch me. That's it. Watch this.

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns.

Obviously, normal sensitivity training isn't enough for you!

No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God!

(TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you all right? What the hell happened? Just some stupid stuff went down.

So, Chris, how's the new school? It's awful! I hate it! Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich. Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible. All right, look, I'll tell you what. I'll call Daddy and I'll see if there's anything he can do.

No Way Out. Great film. Sean Young naked in the limo? Well, maybe the storm will let up soon. I don't know. It's a hard rain. Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman. "We just want the money." We should've known this weather was coming. There's been three days of thunder. Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets.

Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin--

I don't know. Maybe because they don't have any oil. Oh. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

Right, and When that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns, how--how would our forefathers have settled their differences? 8, 9, 10, and turn!

Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter!

You son of a bitch!

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING) (GROANS) Lois? Oh! Peter, thank God! You're okay. I guess you were right about that puma. I don't know what I was thinking. I should've listened to you. Peter, I don't care about that. I acted like a real jerk, and I'm sorry, Lois.

so I can play the opening part from Hot For Teacher. I'll see you guys later. Coming up in this half hour, flies on your face: how many is too many? But first, that orange thing in the sky and what you can do to please it. You know, you shouldn't be poking around out here. White men have been spotted nearby,

Ugh! What the deuce?

Peter, we have to do something. We're losing our daughter. I'm worried about what's happening to her. Lois, this is the kind of thing... that always resolves itself if you just ignore it, all right? What's more important is we're living the sweet life.

What? You thought I was leaving forever and you just said, "Good luck"? What the hell was that? Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade? You know what? Never mind. Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality.

Calling out around the world Are you ready for a brand-new beat? Summer's here, and the time is right BOTH: For dancing in the street

- That is freaking smurf. - Yeah.

Please, Joe, I know he had an accident, but can't you look the other way this one time? As a friend? Yeah, you know, Joe, you owe this family. I didn't tell anyone about your Fiona Apple tribute video.

Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING)

So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

(ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.

Hey, Stewie, give me $100 from the backpack. I want to pay a Wayne Newton look-alike to beat up a Rita Rudner look-alike. I'll give you $1,000. Pay him to beat up Rita Rudner. Stewie, we got to get the hell out of here before that loan shark finds us. Yes, you're right.

This can't be it. This can't be Santa's workshop. This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut. Oh, boy, get ready for the letters. Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows,

It's quite simple, actually. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons, and the clown face is just a clown face. Enjoy it. Now, battle stations, everyone! At my signal, unleash hell!

Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass.

All right, Dad! All we gotta do is tell a little white lie. Just go with it. Is this the Grant-a-Dream foundation? My son Chris is dying! Holy crap, no! Oh, my God! That was the lie. Oh, you sly boots.

Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite. You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky?

I say, Jenkins, you give me that dirty look one more time, and I've a good mind to get into my PJ's and have a pillow fight with you. Very well, then. En garde!

Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it.

The first Thursday of every month we go to a local orphanage, pick out a kid, fill out all the paperwork, and then don't take him home. It's hilarious. That sounds kind of cruel. No, no, you'll love it. It's great. Come on! Come on in! Your family's waiting in here!

Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax.

But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh!

Damn it, Brian, do not cry. I'd like to pet you, Brian.

Hey, while I'm at it, give me all these copies of Marie Claire. You know, in case I want to rub out that easy one... before I get Lois into bed tonight. Kathleen Turner's on Page 45. Kathleen Turner, huh? Let's see how she looks. Oh, that's a shame.

Well, that was worth the 8-year boat ride. We gather today to remember those brave quahog men who were lost at sea. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean.

To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one.

And how about you, every Persian guy in the world? ALL: White BMW.

Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap. I hope my son is having a better time with your family. (SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING)

The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! I felt weak! Y-You never listen to me! Y-You undermine me in front of the kids! And besides, you know, you're not exactly Father Of The Year yourself. Well, There seems to be a lot of anger in your household. You owe it to your son to learn how to manage these feelings. Manage what?

That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found, everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. But What I did was wrong. And As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. Ha! Kind of tickles.

Boy, it sure is nice having our house to ourselves again, huh?

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING ON TV) (SOBBING) "That's going to be you some day, Meg." I know it will! I just know it will! Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts, but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself,

even though I was found innocent by a jury of my peers. But what about the civil trial? Believe me, Peter, there was nothing civil about it.

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

What? Yeah, she broke up with me. Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say. What's the difference? Well, what you said first was... Well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... Never mind. So, what happened?

You matter to someone. You matter big time.

Getting shot in the face. Shot in the face. There you go.

When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants!

I will sit here and enjoy this very fine tiramisu. Aw, Can I have a piece? Peter! Granted. Next. Aw, Crap. I'm sorry I used up our favor, Lois. You know what? Here. It's yours. No, No. really. I insist. Peter, I'm gonna be killed! Does that mean nothing to you?

(STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for?

Ahh! - What's wrong? - Ahh! Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS)

Oh. Well, I just have a few questions about your return. Did you incur any medical expenses this year?

And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes.

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose Any game you play with him you lose So don't mess with Mr. Booze If your head feels like it's two miles wide Two miles wide

Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

Yeah. You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under control before the police caught onto you. Hold it right there, Lois, you are under arrest. Oh, crap. A-All right, look, just--just take it easy, Joe. All right, Lois will go peacefully. Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed. Let me just get my purse.

Good morning, everyone. Oh, crap, he's in love again.

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING) (SCREAMING AND WHOOPING) (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, he is so adorable. I could just bite him and eat him up. I know, he's perfect. He's like a boy and a girl.

I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend.

We're not here for him. We're here for you guys. You're under arrest for interfering with a police investigation. What? Yeah, what the hell? You should be out there arresting the real criminals.

(GASPS) (SQUEALS)

Steak and donut sandwich, please. You want cigarettes on that sandwich? What do I look like, a Mary? Yes, I want cigarettes. Okay, next up on the stage, let's have a big karaoke welcome for Peter and Ron! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Okay, this is one of our favorites. Hope it's one of yours.

Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind. He was as good as dead. But as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony,

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh. (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart.

Meg, wanna dance? I was here first. Meg, dance with me? Hey, you! Get into my car.

I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

You'll be larger than life I'll be proud you fell out of my wife You'll be known, far and wide like that princess who died I'm gonna make you famous

I don't get it, Lois. Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own.

(ALL LAUGHING) Hey, he got it. He got it over there. The little guy got it.

That's it! Let's go! I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune. But we're not allowed to return gambling losses. Well, I think you can make an exception in our case, Lenny. See, I'm an Indian, too. Excuse me? You heard me. I'm a member of your tribe. And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe. Whoa, Whoa. Wait a second. Not so fast.

I was actually dreading having to tell you about this. (CHUCKLES) (IMITATES SHUDDERING) It appears I'll have to kill him myself. What? I knew you were too weak to do this. You're nothing but a coward. No, Penelope, wait! (GROANS) Strong women always turn out to be nightmares. Like Joan of Arc.

Doesn't make any sense, but it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together. That's kind of nice. I guess I could understand that. Now that you're here in front of me, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

I tell you, Cleveland, he's been working out all week and he hasn't lost a pound. Peter, If you're this desperate about chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out?

Oh, my God! Specimen Z isn't Carter's body. What is it? Specimen Z is a cure for cancer.

Baby, you take me in your arms Aw! Isn't that cute? My little Stewie likes Anne Murray. She sounds like an angel. It's like her voice is putting my entire body in her mouth.

You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Oh! Oh! Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go!

What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama? And what is... What? What? This is a chicken leg. Are you also making soup? For quinceanera. Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

(LAUGHS) What? Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay? We should all be so gay!

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed!

Let's do it! (TIRES SQUEALING) Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry.

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine? We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian.

Well, Peter. It sounds like you should go out and co-mingle amongst your newly-found brethren. You know, absorb the culture. Wheelie timE! You know, You're right, Cleveland. I--I should be hanging around more black people like myself. Thanks.

Yeah, Kent hates me now.

Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing.

I don't know. I mean, I think I want to have kids someday. Oh, I love kids. I just love them. I can't get enough of those little buggers, let me tell you. You know, it's like I tell the other volunteers down at the adoption center:

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS) (GROWLING)

It ain't easy being cheesy.

Okay, you're all set. Remember, we'll be in the van listening to everything, so if anything goes wrong, we'll pull you right out of there. Don't you worry, Joe. I'll blend in like an Australian in a Jewish bakery.

That's right, Joyce. The Tea Party has gained a sizable following based on their message of low taxes, limited government, and happy birthday, Tom... Oh, my God, you guys!

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW PLAYING) And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.

Well, well. Do you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm.

(CONTINUES SOBBING) See? That wasn't so bad.

Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. You've got the song memorized, do you? So does everyone else!

and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend. You come out here right now! PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games! Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you.

(SIGHS) Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse. Good. This family works much better when we're unified. You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

(DOOR SLAMS) I wonder if I could push mine inside. Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone! I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

Get over here! Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay. Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified!

Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! Face it. He's the life of the party. Oh, Yeah? I'll show you who's the life of the party. Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin. Huh? Guys? Huh? Guys? That's my idea.

(HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: You take the weight off of me Oh, honey, when I knock on your door... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) Oh, I give you my...

Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family.

Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco.

I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think? Ok, somebody's gonna have to explain that to me.

So, uh, What's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad? "Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch? Don't you remember? You gave me writers. "Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, "but when you walk into a bank, "all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'"

It's Cleveland I'm worried about. Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything. Hey, look. It's President Nixon. No, wait, it's a black guy. No, it's Nixon. Oh, boy. That was close.

Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me. But unfortunately he's not available. So I got his younger brother from Growing Pains.

(BOTH SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

you'd respect me. I do. As do I. Now why don't you go hop on that gay bike of yours and go get yourself a lollipop or a cupcake or something? (LAUGHING) We good, Brian. We good.

Are you kidding? I'm so excited. From the first time I read that script,

- I told you to stop. - I taste blood. Well, there's a lot of it.

Hey, you guys, I hate to do this to you, but I gotta get out of here. Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynecologist.

Dust out the demons inside And it won't be long Before you and me run To the place in our hearts Where we hide

Where is it now, huh? Where is it now?

No, get your coat on.

My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

That would be sweet!

Wait a minute. You could've drugged this.

Glen, we have a family emergency. We really need you to take the kids, for just a couple days. Uh, well--well, in--In accordance with Megan's law, I'm obligated to inform you that, uh-- Y-you know what? That's fine. I--I'll take the kids. Aw, Thanks, buddy. Gosh! I've--I've never had to entertain kids before.

Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.

Joe hates to fly 'cause they always put him underneath with the dogs. (ALL BARKING) Indonesia better be worth it.

You want to get some ice cream? Well, why not? I don't have to fit in that dress anymore. Hey, can I borrow the dress? What? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just doing some playful, walking-away banter during the music. STEWIE: Can we not do that? I have such a headache. BRIAN: Sorry! Time

Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context.

(DOOR BURSTS OPEN) Stewie? I just finished the book, you dirty birdie. How could you? He can't be dead. Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead! (GROANS) Look, Stewie. I've gone as far as I can with Snuggly Jeff,

Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m. The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you've turned my show into. I think my work will speak for itselF. Oh, ha, ha! I just got that.

(BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Finish this.

Ahh! Fine. I'll let them go. Pearl, do you rent or own? Own what?

One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie? I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner. I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it.

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can.

Okay, Cleveland, your turn. Truth or dare?

(WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with.

Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God.

What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians. (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa! Whoa!

P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine!

You know, Just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults. Hello, I'm Lois Griffin. Welcome to our home. So, what? She's like your mom or something? Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?

It means, if I die, you gotta burn my house down!

That's not Stewie, that's a pineapple. Oh, my God, where is Stewie? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fine. Peter, he's a baby. You can't leave him alone. Come on, it's good to have some alone time. You know, I spent a year alone on a desert island with nothing but a monkey to keep me company.

Well, I better go. I don't want to be tardy. That's not going to happen from missing one class. People are born that way. Now run along, or you'll be late.

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)

Ha. I've been-- I've been sued by every patient I ever had. Look at the size of this file. This is--This... Heh. WoW. Ah... Now, Let's just wait for the test results. Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother!

Ok, honey. I gotta go. you want a ride? Sure.

Thanks, Tom. I'm here on Spooner Street Where several quahog families are holding a car wash to raise money for an organ transplant for young Paul Lewis. so, What do you call this device, Paul? It's an iron lung. It keeps me from dying. I want to play baseball! And With me is one of Paul's classmates, Chris Griffin,

You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING)

(SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works!

Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah!

but doesn't that sound like something that could be true?

You Remember when Margot Kidder was here? Ah, We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful.

Then you'll have to order my next tape.

I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..." War, war, war! That last sentence was about war! Look, an expert confirmed that the blackmail note was signed by the victim.

I wake up with blood on my penis pillow. I'm gonna go insane in a wheelchair, staring at the sea. (MUMBLING) This is everything about... It's The Clam, I love it. I was just gonna... That's exactly. (STAMMERING) Hey, remember... Remember when...

(LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys? They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING)

Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING) Meg? Meg? (MAN BREATHING HEAVILY) I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch.

And this is the story of his roots. It all began in Africa in the tiny village of Quahogswana where he was a proud member of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair. Hey, Quagdingo, how was your date last night? Oh, it was awesome. You never feel as big as you do with a pygmy.

And the noblest of all those early creatures was the dinosaur. Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals.

What? Payback! (BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No.

Look, i--I'm not insensitive, Lois. But I just don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just because the dog's a cokehead. We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab.

Too late. (GUN FIRES)

I'll deal with them myself. (LOIS) We're on top of the monument. Holy crap!

Many of you have written to the show... ...with suggestions you'd like to see. They're mostly god-awful. Tonight we took your advice and produced three of our favorite suggestions. Favorites? Oh, that's charitable. undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa!

Play or pass? We're gonna play. Oh, this must be your lovely wife. (CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.

This is Officer Swanson responding, I'm on my way. All right, you guys, these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey, so I need you to stay in the car, okay? No joking around. All right, sir, sir, ma'am. I just need you to tell me clearly and calmly what happened. One at a time, please.

My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office? Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit. Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing. Oh, boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap.

Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning?

(GROWLING) (GIRL SCREAMING) What was that? (GASPS) Oh, my God. I knew this day would come. Rupert, we're under attack by monsters! Dear God! But wait, there's Superman. He'll save us.

Hey, I'll see you, fellows. I got some fish to catch.

in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey. Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!

(SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry. (EXCLAIMING) DREYFUSS: We talked into the night,

Come on. Give the kid a break, huh? Why should we? She got her arm shot off in VietnaM. Oh. Poor kid. What a senseless war. I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter. Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you.

Uh-oh! What is it? The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie.

If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate.

I... I can't talk right now. You okay? Yeah, babe. I got to pee, but I don't want to move. I'm so comfortable right now. I can pause it.

But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.

I haven't eaten in 4 days 'cause I-- 'Cause--'cause I... I just can't fit any more in there. Help me. Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas.

I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations. Aw, That's a small price to pay. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo!

We love you, Meg. I love you, too.

You again? Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience.

My mom wanted me to give you this. "To Brian, from Tracy. He's your problem now. "PS. Will you write me a letter of recommendation "for the University of Phoenix?" No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that. But, Dylan, my God! Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan.

It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured, with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space. Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you've inexplicably acquired? I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing. They were gonna scrap it 'cause of some minor mechanical problems or something. Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation.

By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn. Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.

Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.

I am proud to be an American, and I am going to love my country like never before. Anybody wanna see my Purple Heart?

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you! Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

Bye! I'm going to the mall!

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

Oh, my. Look where my hand is.

All right, almost done here, Glenn. There we are, all finished. Ah! Well, look at this. Look what happened. (CHUCKLES) Well, by the laws of comedy, you and I have to be roommates now.

(CRICKET CHIRPING) (SOBBING) What's that, Dad? (PIGEON COOING) It's my new meth distribution system. I've trained this carrier pigeon to do all my deliveries for me. Fly away, Benjamin! Ah, perfect, perfect.

I had a one-way one time. That was amazing. Sorry I farted in the middle.

Hey, I need more cheese puffs, manny.

How are we gonna find them? Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff.

(COUGHS) (GRUNTS) Damn it! Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap.

And this is Chris. Chris, this is my son, Dylan.

Game over, man! Game over! Uh, Damn it! Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there? It's about damn time!

Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all.

Ha. Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown. Uh-uh, This here's A hootenanny. Hoedown! - hootenanny! - Hoedown! - Hootenanny! - Hoedown!

PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin.

I can't believe she went ahead and did it. After I specifically told her how I felt. Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to... (SNIFFING) Lois just peed on something. - Hey, Brian, you picking up on that? - Yeah. LOIS: It worked, everybody! I'm pregnant! Damn it! This has gone too far. And if I'm gonna do something about it, it's gotta be now. What do you mean? What are you gonna do?

I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right? Captain Solo, have you seen Master Luke? 'Cause no one knows where he is. What? Well, that doesn't sound good. All right, I'm gonna go out and look for him. I'll take my Don Don. Well, I can't go outside. It's cold out there. You can't go out there in this weather. Your Don Don will freeze.

two can be As bad As one it's the loneliest number since the number one You are a filthy whore.

Hi, Chris. Put your father on. Hey, Dad?

Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm. How are we supposed to stay calm? There's a killer in the room! We all gotta get out of here! We're all gonna die! Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together!

Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

Quagmire's father, decorated war hero Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire, is now a woman. You're kidding. No. Total sex change. (LAUGHS) That is hysterical. I know! Suck on that, Quagmire. Yeah, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well. Oh, my God! What does it look like?

The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V.

Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas!

We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks.

Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself! Ow! Peter, You're supposed to hit Brian!

You wouldn't kill me, would you? Thanks for helping me dig this hole, Mr. Montesante. Hey, no problem, Stewie. This can be a pain in the ass when you got to do it all by yourself. You're telling me. All right. Go ahead and drop it in. Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful when it reaches adulthood. Yeah. I love plants.

Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.

Hi, I'm Meg. This is my friend, Ruth. Would you ladies like to share a cab, or as we say, "share a cab"? Sure. That sounds great. Oh, and please do not be suspicious that I am at the airport with no baggage whatsoever.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!

Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter! M-m-Mr. Griffin, please. please. I--I invited you here so that Chris could make an impression on the art community.

You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am.

Peter, have you seen Brian? (MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not. Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before?

Oh, wonderful! I want to be hoisted up on the chair and see what it feels like to be top Jew. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, take a look at your daughter. Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. It was 20 years ago. I'd never even heard the word "rubber".... Peter, this is Meg.

I stayed up late watching Monday Night Football and that saved my life, huh?

I'll take it! Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea.

What a lively little bugger Maybe we should just unplug her Terri Schiavo is kind of alive-oh The most expensive plant you'll ever see Oh, my God, here comes Jared.

Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world! So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up.

CHORUS: Wise men Wow, I can't believe we're already here. Yeah, it's amazing how small the world is now thanks to mules and camels. You're anywhere, just like that. Oh, my! You can really tell we're in the big city now. Yeah, they got everything here.

It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting.

I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses. Chris, I'm blind. I'm sorry, Meg. (BAWLING) What the hell is all this? This is history, Brian. A key moment in the history of happiness.

Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man?

I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem. What? What is it? The transfer circuits are powered by uranium, and this thing is tapped out. Wait a minute. Are you saying we need to find some uranium?

I'll just keep it in my pocket. Any other questions? Let's do this. That wasn't a question. Back of the line. Okay, let's do this. JOE: Hey. Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

Give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Gotta give up the toad now ooo, ooo, ooo I'm no fool

Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

We got a big tournament coming up next week. Well, hurry back, handsome. Oh, Peter, this is so much fun. I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about?

Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Sorry. I just farted.

Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here! (GASPS) Oh, my God!

it's show time at the-- What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."

Nurse! This woman is in labor! Excuse me. I was here first. My leg is asleep.

And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time. Some things are worth waiting for. Wow. You're really a true gentleman.

Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy.

You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire!

(JILLIAN AND BRIAN CHUCKLING) BRIAN: You like that?

Boom, left turn! You don't know how it happened! You don't know where you are, but you like it.

(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,

Chicken? You take that back! Yeah? Make mE! I don't make monkeys, I train them. Ugh. Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard!

Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool! We are going right to the top together! Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire.

PETER: Okay. All right, now do you see a button that looks like a drunken gay guy eyeing you from across the bar? Um... Uh... Yeah, I see it. QUAGMIRE: All right, press the button right above it.

and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. Why? Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that. I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past? I mean, you could make life better for yourself. And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11. Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is,

(HISSING) (SIGHS) That was too close.

No! You bastards! (CRYING) (SCREAMS) (BEEPING) What the hell?

What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God!

Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING) I can't believe she went ahead and did it. After I specifically told her how I felt. Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to...

oh, My muscles are all-- Look at that! They're all shiny with oil. But how am I ever gonna spread it on my rippling back and thighs? This is gonna take drastic measures. All right, get the camera ready. Oh, Luke.

Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally. (BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe.

Oh, my God, that's amazing. You're both living here together? Wait a minute. Are you guys gay? No. No. Yeah. Yes. No. Yeah, maybe sometimes. Depends. No. Undecided.

Ah! Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home. Meg, you made a friend. What a lovely house, Mrs. G. Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart. Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice. You know what's nice? Having a friend like Meg.

I'm just a fool A fool in love with you I think they want another one.

Francis Griffin. Francis.

(BELL DINGS) All right, so how does this work? We gonna pretend to hit each other for a while, then maybe kiss a little? (CHUCKLING) I'm terrible. Hey, watch it. That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun...

and I'll show you a real woman?

Now drop and give me 20! Thank you, sir! Ladies, this Saturday at 0-800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your obedience. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

How old do you think Daddy iS? 42. Oh! um, uh, uh... I--i mean, I mean, Daddy's old! I think he's 7!

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.

All right. Let's do this!

That kid was Indian and 11 years old. Where are you finding my friends?

left foot, right foot

And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there. I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking the Fall for Daddy.

Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken all my business.

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

Dude, you broke the bro code.

Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like. (SCREAMING)

Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends.

Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon. What?

STEWIE: Is she letting him drive? Boy, I sure am happy to be back. Yeah, Peter, we thought we'd lost you for good. And luckily, I don't know many words, so I was able to relearn them all in a day. Don't ever leave us again, Dad.

He got us again! This whole thing just shows that women are nothing but trouble! You said it! Let's you and me swear off them for good!

Dad, I was wondering if I could borrow $17. Chris, what do you need money for? Isn't that why you have a paper route? No, this new kid named Kyle keeps stealing all my customers. Oh, that's terrible. You're a wonderful paper boy, Chris, and you need to remind your customers of that.

it was a rock lobster Rock lobster Rock lobster

(PETER GRUNTS) (ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere,

Yes, Yes. You've got lots to think about, haven't you? Public drunkenness, grand-theft auto. You forgot where I made you smash your head on the windshield. I--I don't recall... Aah! Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one. H-Hello? Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her!

Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out. Oh, That's great, Kevin. You want a cookie every time you do something right? Go get some firewood! Yes, sir! He's gonna grow up to be quite a man! Mmm. That was incredible, Kevin. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad? Did I say you could rest yet?

Sorry, you're not allowed in here. Oh, yeah? I'm not into that. Oh. Well, what are you into? Pinkberry. I love my job. Yum, yum, yum...

ft goes on and on

Which means I'm losing billions in timber dollars. I had to sell my Bangles records.

You know, we are in a hotel. And I'm in Room 406. Go on ahead, I'll settle up. Put it on 406.

Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment. Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on. This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here.

She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment.

Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy.

you really wanted but didn't get? A phone? A pony? - A humidor? - A dead Lois? Yeah. Well, It's in the basement. Come on. Let's go see. My own phone! I'm gonna name him Sparky, and then I'm gOnna get hIm... What the hell? Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that?

Wow, those are some broad shoulders. Okay, I guess small boobs are good for swimming. Not sure I like chiseled quads so close to a vagina. (STAMMERING) Those are balls.

And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see.

...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way. Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell!

(SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak. Boy, it sure is nice having our house to ourselves again, huh?

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

You know, I was kind of one of those theater kids in high school. Suddenly Seymour

Oh! That's ridiculous. I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home. (JET SOARING) What the hell is that?

Now, I thought earlier you said that both of your bunkmates were killed. Now you're saying only one of them was? But I just want you guys to know I barely even touched that penis at first. What? Come on, Dad. Whatev. Hey, why's it so hot in here? It's too hot in here. Wait a minute. An Ed Hardy T-shirt?

Get 'em! I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not. That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you. Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh! What are you doing?

(DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake.

Like I did with scary teenagers. I used to be afraid of 'em, until I realized they were just misunderstood. Hey, fat ass, give me your wallet! I could give you my wallet, but what I think you really want is love. (VOICE QUIVERING) It's true!

Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too.

I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly...

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans. So, how was the hospital, Peter? Oh, my God, that place was incredible. They have this one jar, whole thing was full of cotton balls.

Well, It seems you're out of ammunition. As are you, Stewart! You know my name! I know many things. - Indeed. - Quite. Yes. Mmm. Well, perhaps We should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person. oh. Mmm. Yes.

Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at? The underpants, lose them! A-Actually, I kinda-- I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, you know, maybe tomorrow-- Take 'em off! Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey.

I guess living in a London flat isn't gonna be too bad, huh? Mom, there's no water in the toilet. First ofall, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it, because everybody here just uses Elizabeth Hurley. All right, well, where is she? 'Cause I need her now!

Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God!

Listen, this may be hard for you to believe, but you're my father. Oh, am I now? Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you. I suppose it's money you're wanting. I owe you some allowance and so forth.

Hey, guys? I got a problem. You know how Lois has that dad?

OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet. We're gonna have a real raging time.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine.

(FARTS LOUDLY) That's so much better. Morning, Lois. I'm sorry about last night. I promise I'll make it up to you. Well, if you really mean that,

(LAUGHING) Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries. (GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know. You idiot! This is your fault.

Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?

Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher? It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment! What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored?

Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house! I don't even want to be a part of this family anymorE! MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?

and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity. What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this?

Oh, yeah? Well, Peter Griffin is no loser! When I'm through with our schools, our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

(ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. (EXCLAIMS) Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know?

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

Oh, Bottom drawer. Children, tell Mother Maggie what you want to be when you grow up. A scientist. A novelist. A Cambridge don. Oh, What's my future coming from these squalid surroundings? Getting into a fight with some dude at the Laundromat because he was hitting on my baby's mama? I should be there, not here!

Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

Babs, you want to sit and watch... No. I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people... People are gonna be sorry they didn't come.

What's a quarter?

Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of "S"... "T"... "D"s! That McGriffin guy was so cool! Totally! I'm never doing drugs now! Ahh!

Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school...

They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson. He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover. Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying that he's dead, 'cause those are already printed. You know what? Send one to my parents, too. I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here.

Hey, fellas! Guess what? I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club. Barrington? Wow! I'm in. Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary. Aw, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote.

Well, that's gonna be a challenge. But it can't be any harder than folding that thousand-mile-long sheet. All right, I got my corner. Everybody ready? Ready. Chris? Ready. Meg? You know, long ago, before this happened,

Oh, sweet! A pool table. Let's see if we can find some cues.

Oh, What the hell.

(GASPS) (GASPS)

Hurts, don't it? Dumbass. Wow, he effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face. My dad hits me. But I bet if I hit others, the pain stops. Someday, I'll use what I've learned here on my wife. Peter, is this your homework? Hold on. Let me take out my reading glasses.

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis?

Oh, honey, we are so glad to have you back, but you really don't remember anything?

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart.

What a rip-off. It's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.

I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach! Hic-a-doo-la! We're gonna all hang 10 and maybe then Hic-a-doo-la! Because I'm a hic-a-doo-la boy and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girl And together, it is a hic-a-doo-la world Hic-a-doo-la!

Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent,

I threw it away. What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children.

Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."

Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. Oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold, and I get squat. I'll be in the car.

Can you talk to that angry little boy down by the river bank? Uh... Yeah, sure. Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight.

Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again... (GASPING) Without remembering how lucky he is that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks. That leg should heal up just fine. Peter, you do realize you deserve this for the way you treated Joe?

and we're gonna see whose is bigger. Doesn't really seem fair. All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway. FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids, coming up next, it's the Jolly Farm Revue marathon. No, no, don't switch it. I want to watch Jolly Farm. Son of a bitch. I got to spend the rest of the day watching stupid kid shows.

Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two. Great. What is your primary source of income? Umm. Sorcery. And a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery. Yeah, I'll just put sorcery.

He's half your size. I--i know--i know--I know. But check this out. Hey--Hey, Carol. Say, Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." I'm priceless. Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room. Does she still take the newspaper in there?

(GROWLING) He doesn't like you. Sorry.

Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too.

Open this door! Open it, I say! Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, You might want to give that a minute or 2. I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell!

(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome our next guest, Mr. James Woods. Oh, James. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Wait a minute, you're not James Woods. Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.

I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed. Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors. I thiNk She wants you to meet them. She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions,

Ahh! Hello, Peter. Nate Griffin! Oh, My God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man! Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't. You didn't? No. If I had, do you think I would have slept with your white great-great- great-great granny? No, I guess not. That's right,

Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together. Oh, Yes. Very well. All right. Um... "You see, Margaret. "After 20 odd years of marriage, "your curious indiscretions no longer phase me."

W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs! That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor.

Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House.

Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers.

Good show, old chap. Well played. Here she comes! (CROWD MURMURING) Very well. Time for action. A lock of the Queen's hair shall soon be mine. Here she comes. Have at it, then.

What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

Dude, the Bronze Age was so much cooler than the Iron Age. Dude, Dude, the Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day of the week. Could not. Could, too. Could not! Ugh!

Attention, please. Tomorrow is softball practice. We have a lot of work to do for Saturday's game. Let's not forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties.

Yeah, He finally figured out how to catch the Twinkie. Ha ha! I'm turning you into poo! Well, I'm going down to The Beautiful People's Club. guess I can take him with me. Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh...

Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement. Peter, I don't think... Brian, your objections are duly noted. Now, hit the gas. (TIRES SQUEALING) You know that would never work again in a million years. Don't need it to, Brian.

Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this. I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia.

Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.

(SIGHS) I really wish he would. It'd be so great if we were at least living together. Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. Either he commits to you, or you're gone. What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! Well, I think you should, Brian.

Now smile for the camera. Yes. Yes. Smile, like a good boy. aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes.

Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle. And it's weather-treated with a mixture of whale skin oil and children's tears. (DOORBELL RINGING)

(STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.

Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder. Help! Help us! Oh, my God!

I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.

Aah! Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What the hell are you doing here? It's a long story with some terrific performances, and a wonderful scene in A carnival, but I'll cut to the ending. I want to marry Lois! Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this, and stay away from my daughter forever!

He nailed one! We have our theme! I submitted "togetherness." A simple theme. But powerful, nonetheless. Come on, "overcoming adversity"! Let's go, "overcoming adversity"! Show me "women I gave the clap to"! oh!

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore!

(HISSING) (FLUSHES) (HISSES) (SIGHS) Get out!

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

You know, Lois won't be home from groceries for a while. I have an idea. Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING)

You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots... at a karaoke bar, doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band. Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome. Wait. What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure.

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But.... But I.... You.... No more TV. Well, how about no more job? You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches?

This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot. Oh, boy, that whole day was a mess, huh? What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age? Hurry up! The glue's wearing off! All right! All right! We did it. Job well done. And We're not stuck together anymore.

Have a seat up front. Well, That's more like it! And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space? They have those? Hi, how you doing?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. but where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

No. It's upstairs and to the left. Peter, are you out of your mind? Bringing O.J. Simpson into our home? Well, don't make that face at me, Lois. - O.J. is innocent, all right? - Innocent? Yes. The most perfect justice system in the world found him innocent. But we know he did it. You were there? I didn't realize that. And you didn't do anything to stop it. Accessory to murder!

Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh! This guy is gonna be huge.

Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we're working together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me!

Hmm. Mrs. Griffin, let me show you some pictures he drew in class. Notice anything unusual? I sure do. His father's not in any of them. Exactly.

Oh, my God. Lois, you're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again. Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor? Well, now you can. With Jeez-Its. Flesh of his flesh. With the amazing flavor of real Wisconsin cheddar.

I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

The ghost of Reagan is gonna be the new fourth guy in our group. I'm all for that! What other stories you got, Reagan? REAGAN: Well, I remember the time I invited Ed Sullivan to the White House. He sounded a little something like this. (MIMICKING ED SULLIVAN) Hey, Ron. Tonight, we got a really big show. Reagan does impressions. REAGAN: That's right.

Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING) It's time for you to leave.

(MONITOR BEEPING) Wait, how are we seeing this? Oh, I've got a nanny cam hidden inside his house. Watching him nail his cleaning woman is how I'm learning Spanish. Although I'm not sure what the Spanish word "no" means, because it doesn't seem to mean the same thing as it does here. And the worst part is, I don't think Lois even knows he's sick. Oh, this is going to destroy her!

Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia are gonna whip it out and see whose is bigger. Peter, I'm so glad you could make it. Gloria, this is my life partner, Lois. I'm his wife. His "wife." Yes. Peter tells me you don't have a career of your own. Oh, No.

How's the hernia, Peter? You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I gotta face the fact that I'm just getting old. CLINTON: Knock, knock. Mr. President, what are you doing here? Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car,

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Excuse me, sir. I haven't even-- Oh! Oh, That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there. Peter! You think this is easy? You want to come up here and try this? I thought you'd never ask. Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes.

Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING)

Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how!

You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Peter, would you like more potatoes?

I can't believe we're doing this, but I gotta say, it feels kind of right. I know, it's so weird, right? I mean, it's, like, fast. I mean, it's fast, but it feels, like, okay, you know? I mean, like, isn't that crazy? It's like this adventure that we're having together.

and this here. And it's Dianne Wiest. All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

You never told me your mother was such a stone-cold fox! Now I see where you get it. Meg, he's so charming. My name is Chris. I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?

Oh, my God, where is Stewie? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fine. Peter, he's a baby. You can't leave him alone. Come on, it's good to have some alone time. You know, I spent a year alone on a desert island with nothing but a monkey to keep me company.

Brian, what are you doing staring in Quagmire's window? Man, watching sex in reverse is just bizarre.

Ah. Damn it all! Shh! Sorry! Sorry!

Anyone tell who it is yet? No? Okay, well, what if I move this here, and this here. And it's Dianne Wiest. All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west.

He's dead. Do you think he slipped off the roof? Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone? I want to prove something to these guys.

Recall room, Brian. Nothing works in here. Now come on! Rupert's in trouble! Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. (BARKING) Almost there. You can do this, Stewie.

I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network.

Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people. You guys, we're still on in Boston.

You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go...

There is, Peter. In fact, we are preparing our Cinco de Mayo celebration. As a Mexican, you must experience it with us. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING) Well, kids, enjoy yourselves. Cinco de Mayo is as Mexican as it gets. Wow, this is awesome!

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there?

Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg. I know where it is. It's in your butt. No.

Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.

You'll never know just how much I love you You'll never know just how much I care

Dust in the wind All they are is dust in the wind Oh, my God, Joe, you're right. O.J. Simpson is a murderer. What am I gonna do? I'm playing golf with him tomorrow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to taking it slow? I have been taking it slow. We've been going out for three weeks and I haven't tried anything, even though she's been giving me some pretty strong signals. So, do you have any thoughts on what you might want to do tonight? Oh, I don't know. I don't know, Brian. You don't want to mess things up.

In fact, just to kick them a couple extra bucks, here's five seconds of Time for Me to Fly. No, don't! All the money goes to my bitch ex-wife! Can you play our song? PETER: Okay, lead singer from Asia. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay!

I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!

Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true.

Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me. Sweetie, you really gotta... Looks like David Tua. You've really got to stop misbehaving.

Hey, who's that, your boyfriend? (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Yeah. Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks! Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.

and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin! Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on T.V.? You want to remove us from the area? Yes, ma'am. This criminal will stop at nothing to find your son. So We're placing your family in the witness protection program.

Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long-- There's a dog turd in here. Oh--oh, Lois. What?

Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato?

Nice bike. If that's not the understatement of the century. It's cool. Too cool for you! No, no. I--I think it's right where I'm at. Out of my way!

Chumba Wumba gobble aHh!

My name is Anna. I'm Chris.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Light the beacons. (FANFARE PLAYING)

W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say?

Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys?

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Peter, I can't do that. The FAA would be all over my ass. Hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood? The pregnant one? Yep, she's having her kittens right now. (GASPING) Oh, no way.

Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin. But you came through it beautifully. Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. I love you no matter what size you are. Although, I got to admit, I'm gonna miss eating cereal out of the dimples on your ass. Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.

What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me.

Holy crap! You're not going to believe what I just found. A yellow piece of paper? A raffle ticket, Brian. But not just any raffle ticket. I won this in 1989 from a Honey Nut Cheerios sweepstakes and I totally forgot to cash it in. It's one free round of golf with a famous celebrity.

I mentioned to Shauna that they ought to change the name of James Woods High... to Martin Luther King, Jr., and she really ran with it. The school board is voting on it tomorrow. Congratulations, Brian. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait. You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school? - Well, yes. For Martin Luther King. - That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999?

MAN ON VIDEO: Ladies and gentlemen, your animal brethren need your help. Everywhere they are crying out in the hopes that someone will hear. In cosmetic research labs. Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms.

You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting oh, Lois. Here comes the best part. I want to rock and roll all night

That's very sweet of you. And I'm Stewie. I'm the one who sent you the vibrators. Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music. Would you like to come in?

Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them! Peter, what are you doing? Just--Just stall them, Lois! hA! Ha! Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. Ah, Peter, it's ok. It's just Death.

every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet! No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons?

(HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

Oh, Sorry, Lois. What's your news? Well, I...

Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING) Where the hell is Quagmire? I don't know. He said improv rehearsal at 7:00, right?

(BOTH GRUNTING) (PANTING)

(SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

(HISSING) (FLUSHES) (HISSES) (SIGHS) Get out!

Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow!

(BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer!

(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here.

Well, we have to stop him! Yes. Unfortunately, Bertram took the return pad with him, so we'll only get one shot at this. (BUTTONS BEEPING) Ah! Here it is. Now, we'll have to travel back in time to a point shortly before Bertram's arrival. Get ready, Brian. (BEEPS)

Uh, This table is reserved for people with talent.

Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan! Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life. Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody. (SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves. Well, so what? That's not your problem.

Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy. How do you not know about trick-or-treating? Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick. Hey, get out of here! This is my house!

No! Jungle gym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say.

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it! You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off! Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Ooh it up A party

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here!

But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald. Hey, Mr. President! Mr. President, up here! I voted for you! Wait a minute. That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun. He's gonna shoot the President. Holy smokes, I've got to do something. All right, Lee. Time to become an American hero.

we sleep... We... We... We go to different... We go to bed at different times. We've both been so busy it's been ridiculous. I thought she was taking a class or something. Oh, man! That sucks because I'm so horny. Damn it! Oh... I wanted to do sex to her tonight. Well, then I guess we've got to go get her. (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yeah. All right.

Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap. I hope my son is having a better time with your family. (SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING)

Oh! God. I miss Peter so much. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here. I miss Dad, too, Mom. But we'll manage somehow. We're still a family, right? Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!

Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

You want to fight that lady's boobs?

Around the park one more time, Bitterman. Peter, I'm not your chauffeur. Not for long with that attitude, Bitterman. (GROANS) Ah! This is living, Bitterman. This set of wheels is even better than those talking cars on that commercial.

I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!

Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life?

TryIng to watch the History Channel here. Try it again. Not talking to myself. You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata. Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing.

(BRIAN CRYING) What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had.

And even if they were, who cares? They're whores. Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh? Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl. Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door?

He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

(SOFTLY) Yay. (SNORING) Peter, wake up! Who? What? Lois. I just had the weirdest dream that Lewis Black told jokes that were so funny, he had to shout them so everyone could hear. Peter, you got to stay awake. The spelling bee's tomorrow!

This is your work area. Please keep personal knickknacks tasteful. You get 25 minutes for lunch, and.... Enjoy it here. Welcome aboard. Wes? It's Brian. Oh, yes, the new fellow. Come on in. What exactly am I supposed to do?

Good night, everybody!

And--And Philadelphia Story Hepburn. None of that head-on-a-slinky Golden Pond stuff. Wait here at the gate. I gotta run a quick errand. Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces?

They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants... 53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch. I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with that?

I need to be cleaned! Ah!

(GASPS) (RETCHING)

why don't you toss this ice cube tray full of orange juice in there? And be careful with the toothpicks. Lando, Lando. Lando! Be careful with the toothpicks.

Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING)

It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. You let the fat man talk you into moving out.

Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them! Peter, what are you doing? Just--Just stall them, Lois!

Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is.

Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

Shut up. Seriously, shut up. Please, you are done here. Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country. Wait, not you five. I'm gonna keep you for an experiment. Ho-ho! Eggs. Who came first, the chicken or the porn star?

I will take Drakkar Noir. (WARBLES) (GUN SHOTS) (GRUNTING)

When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants! All right! Virtual reality! Whoa-ho-ho! You guys gotta try this! Hey, Look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh!

One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down. Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them.

I'm asking you who's on first!

Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel!

Oh, my God. Yes, I can. Cleveland's bathroom is the greatest discovery since fat women discovered Diet Coke.

(GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing? Getting scraped to death by my zipper. You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me? I'm the one who made you popular! (CHUCKLES) No, Connie. Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular. Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out!

JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get ourselves kicked out. Right, we've just gotta convince them we're not army material. Ready? All right, let's do it. Wow, look at how gay we are. I am so gay with my gayness.

Thanks, Doctor.

There, that looks good. Doesn't that pie look good? Too bad we can't get at it. It's in space, and we're in here. Otherwise, I'd be eating it right now. All right, let's park right there in that cave.

Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it. Okay, now I get it.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

Scream and you're dead!

Um, okay. This is news to me. Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. Why wouldn't you look at me during? (SOBBING)

It was difficult for Twink to play with other children. He--he--He was different.

Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.

(LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you. Okay, okay, okay. - Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on. See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now. It's just weird, Brian.

Well, just so you know, this is a really big deal! They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante!

In fact, sometimes good things can happen. Oh, Jeni. Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni, your H.B.O. comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. And what a sweet ass.

I read it in a book, you monster! Come on, let me make it up to you. Let me buy you a beer. No, that seat's taken. Move along, Peter. What are you talking about? You guys are my pals. We used to be, Peter. Now, scram. Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar.

It's been two months, Armando. You're putting me in a real awkward position here. Oh, please, Senor Griffin. Just one more week. I will pay you double. Perhaps we can work out another arrangement. Oh, please, Senor. Not my beloved! Armando, Armando, it is for the children.

We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world. Greetings, loyal minions. (GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God!

Lois, you've met Tom Tucker. Oh, yes, of course. I loved that piece you did on the invention of the guillotine. Oh, thank you. You know, half the time those things didn't really work. How was it, honey? They couldn't finish. Oh, really? Yeah, I got to go back tomorrow. Oh, well, I made cabbage for dinner. Yeah, that would be the ending to this day.

Joe! You're okay! Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot!

You don't wear a hat and there's no wind in here.

Excellent, excellent!

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

But it's for my little girl.

(YAWNS) Oh, sorry, am I taking up the whole armrest?

It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick!

Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose!

Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker! It's a fake. It's not real. I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid. I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me! Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right?

No way, son. We came to get you back into the Scouts. And that's exactly what we're gonna do. What was that? Nothing. Peter, the car is making funny noises. Oh, You're wrong again, Lois. That wasn't the car. Although you were right about that prune smoothie. Ahh! Are you ok? I'll be fine.

Hey, What's going on here?

I-- I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it. Go, get the ball. I say, are you blind, or just stupid? What do you mean? Perhaps you'd like to see what Lois and the fat man have been up to in your absence.

You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian.

Ew! Ew! Ew! Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here?

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

Damn it, it won't turn over. Great! Not even halfway through Canada, and we're stuck.

But, Peter, why would they make you President? Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Aw, just Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get.

Come on now! This is damn foolish! My theme, my trophy! My aunt Fanny! You said it yourself! I'm the boss!

Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo? Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! No, I'm not! Him. Yeah. He's a real lightweight. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody!

(SHUSHING) Why do you keep a sleeping baby in your time machine room? I don't know, my decorator's terrible. (ELECTRICAL WHIRRING)

Where are we going?

Oh, God. Hey, listen, you guys get to know each other.

We made it. Yeah, we made it. Okay, now tell me the joke. Oh, it's nothing really. It's just this bit about a Planned Parenthood clinic on Halloween. Next. Brian, I am about to show you something that's gonna blow your mind! Do you know what the big bang theory is?

(SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that. Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank. You know, you don't... You don't deserve... You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that?

Then, a child 's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker 's life on an all-new L.A. Law. That's Night Court at 8:00. L.A. Law at 9:00. Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie. He's not allowed to have any human contact. (PHONE RINGING) Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation!

Oh, what a mess!

Nice to get out of the swamp? What a croc! And that's where we get the term.

Look out! Here comes a squadron of PIE fighters!

Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years.

Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him.

Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing. Oh, I need a spanking.

Come on. You're only 50. You heard me. Will you marry me? Oh, Brian. Yes! Yes, Brian, I'll marry you! Hey, Mom. Hey, Brian. We'll be upstairs. Yo, Rita. You want in on this? No, thanks. We just got engaged. I'm faithful to Brian now.

Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice. You got another one, dude. Plutonium! H-He is real! He's really, really real! So, uh, Peter, Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? You bet. A week's vacation, a new V.C.R.,

Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune. Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

No, no. He'll be back on his feet in no time, probably follow in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps, wind up with a pod deal over at Touchstone.

Wow! Who's the celebrity? I'll give you a hint. Famous football player. Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno. Wait a minute. Chuck Connors? He was a basketball player and he was in Roots. Yeah, he wasn't in The Towering Inferno, you dumb beaver. What? I didn't say nothing.

(SHUDDERING) What happened? Peter, you won. My God. Nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink. Now do you believe that you're my dad? Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature.

"Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I.

That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs,

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to the NBA Playoffs on TNT. And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs.

My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who.

(HONKING) Holy crap! You marry Billy Joel, it's gonna happen one way or another.

I gotta fight for my right to party!

I don't remember.

Indeed, a force to be reckoned with, like Secretary of Energy, Steven Chu. Secretary Chu, Ways & Means has sent over a preliminary budget. It looks like the Department of Energy is looking at a 4% budget cut. (YELLS) - Okay, no budget cut. No budget cut.

So, don't think you always have to bug me. I'll keep that in mind. Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow? Man, you neighbors are like viruses. Starts with a screwdriver. Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman. Jeez, Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.

Hey, what you got here? Oh, Maxim.

So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing? Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind.

No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do? Thank you. I think we're good. Everything seems to be going well. Okay, great.

You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion!

Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think--

I plan on sitting behind this desk until the day I die. Getting old is right for some people, but not for me. I know, Daddy. You were right, and we're sorry. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, Mom. No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home. I don't care. I don't care.

Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine. Oh, okay, good.

Well, you know, They're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get 'em back. My father wasn't there for me, but damn it I'm gonna be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!

Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat. Hi, I'm Amanda. I'm Chris. You look nice, so I'll blow my burps the other way. (LAUGHS) - You're funny. Oh, thanks.

Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you. All right, Stewie, since Lois says I got to keep an eye on you, we might as well have some father-son time. So I'm gonna measure your penis and then I'm gonna measure my penis, and we're gonna see whose is bigger.

Yes! One, one, two, five. All right, now, read the number back to me. Let me get my pen.

(LOIS) We're on top of the monument. Holy crap!

Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain. MAN: What the hell are you doing? WOMAN: Give that back! MAN: Man! WOMAN: Now, where were we? MAN: This is much better. Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected.

(GROWLS) (ROARING) And that's why they were such vicious killers. He couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short

All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

Give me the simple life MAN ON TV: We now return to the Sunday afternoon movie, Masturbator and Commander. (KNOCKING) Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us.

but I hope you know it was only because I wasn't myself. I didn't just lose my memory. I lost my mind. Clear! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it!

Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't...

Excuse me. It's been brought to my attention that a few bad apples out there are smoking marijuana. I've got news for you, my friend. Marijuana's illegal. (CROWD JEERING) Not cool. All right then.

Any of you kids want to see a dead body? Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter. Um, Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad. Your father? He must be a man of at least 70. Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape.

Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her.

Ahh! And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask. Oh, Peter! You look like you! I can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was. Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris. That's ok, Dad. Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson.

Yeah. Nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time.

You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And vice versa? Oh, God.

Loretta, they have some of that 3-bean salad you're so fond of. Hey, Quagmire. Well, we'll, uh, have to do this again sometime. You name the time and the place, little neck.

They're so lonely, they're practicing kissing each other. I don't think they're practicing. Oh. oh! ah! Oh.

Don't you usually do that with Randall? We kind of had a fight. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought maybe you and I could have a sleepover tonight. You know, a little girl time. That would be so fun. Yes, let's. Terrific! I can't wait! Hey, do you mind if I say goodbye to your brother? I'll tell him for you, dear.

You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck!

I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.

That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you.

(GRUNTS) (COUGHS) (GRUNTS) Damn it!

All right, hold still now. You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss. I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye!

Secretary Chu, Ways & Means has sent over a preliminary budget. It looks like the Department of Energy is looking at a 4% budget cut. (YELLS) - Okay, no budget cut. No budget cut. Has anyone seen your father? It's almost 6:00.

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God. We're hurting our own hometown. All those drugs that are flooding into Quahog are from us.

All right. Hey there, sir. Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you? Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. "Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You like that? Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt at the first Thanksgiving. "Where's my penis, pilgrims?"

RED: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob. Later, Andy came back with more than two words. I understand you're a man who knows how to get things. I've been known to procure various and sundry items.

Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours. Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie. All right, got the little guy up from his nap. Say hello to everyone, Stewie. ALL: Aw!

Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner, he'd still be alive and you'd still have your job. Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this.

I love you, Nicole, but I must confess To some trepidation for I am a lonely waiter Who loves a lass above his station

Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool. Really? Oh, that's good. Oh, I knew it was... I knew it would look cool.

Oh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those? You know, I don't even know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me. I'd much rather just be home listening to my old jazz records. Really? I didn't know. I actually have quite a jazz collection myself.

Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want.

you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet! Gobbledy glue

Oh, wow, Brian, what else are you doing that's terrible and stupid? Just wait. In a few weeks, that club will be the hottest spot in Quahog. You're deluding yourself. You're gonna fail faster than John Madden's wedding video business.

Please come in. I have nothing to say to Lando. Okay, the door's gonna open and you guys say, "Freeze," and point your guns at them. Or, you know... Or should it just be me? Yeah, you know what? I think that'll be better. Get out. Go, go, go. It's just me. I wasn't ready. Hi!

(SCREAMS) (BEEPING) What the hell? What's going on? Stewie? Well, Brian, you proved me wrong. What the hell are you talking about? What... What is all this?

(BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!

Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence-- Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded... that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded...

Oh, hey there. You having some car troubles, eh? Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole. I don't suppose you're from AAA, are you? Who? AAA, you know? A-A-A. Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA. No, not AA. A-A-A. Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh? So you are with AAA?

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me!

I don't believe this. I just lost a $50 bet. You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife. But there's nothing funny about that. (LAUGHING) undefinedHi, guys. We're back from the mall. " got new shoes. The old ones are in the box. They smell and are old.

Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

What do you say to that, broccoli? Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine.

Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?

That's a sex tape I made with my wife. Of course, nobody here is interested in seeing that sort of thing.

(CROWD GASPS) You call that kissing a baby? That's how you kiss a baby.

What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works. Oh, I like that a lot. All right, mo--Moving on. Hey, What about "tulip"? "Rose" is fine. Moving on. Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life! That's not true. I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities.

Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Goldman. What the hell is your problem, Mort? I am sorry, Peter. I thought you were one of those criminals... who broke in and destroyed my entire stock of acne medication. Oh, my God. Peter, do you think Chris might have done this?

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way

It's here. The uranium lab is in here. - Where'd you get that thing? - Up your ass. What? What? STEWIE: Hey, fellows. You want to get a free caricature?

Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time.

MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God. (CLEARS THROAT) Um... Well, hello, Peter. - What can I do for you? - Um... - You want to see some pictures that I drew? - Um...

get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

Did somebody order sausage? (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? Knock it off. We brought you some wine, but it's best chilled before dinner. (EXCLAIMS) That is so nice of you. Yeah, let's put it on ice. You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all...

(GASPS) 'Twas my pie gone missing! Sir, this is not an ant trial. Oh! Is there anything else we should know about? - Oh, have you not heard? - Heard what? A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word, a-well-a...

Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!

I can't sleep like this, Lois. I need someone to cuddle with. Believe it or not, men like to cuddle. Even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson.

Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby!

No. Because he was quartered on the port side. (CHUCKLES) Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of The D'Oyly Carte Opera Company. (SIGHS)

What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again. Well, Mr. Griffin, your arguments for the school's name change...

Oh, no. Privateers. No doubt they're after my sugar cane, tobacco and spices. Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.

Hey, Oogy! So tell us, Oogy, where did you find this one, huh? You two meet at a Mensa meeting?

- Inbreeding? - Take a look! I started with one family of magic elves, and every year I needed more and more to keep up.

Peter, what the... That's not Scotty! That's Ben! Oh. Well, you know, we ain't known this family that long. I'm still learning everybody's names.

My God! Tumor-syphilis-itis-osis! And he still comes into school! You're excused from the test, you brave, brave boy. Steinberg, You can learn something from this fine young-- Damn it, Steinberg! Take that hat off! Dad, Marcy Gibbons just called! She heard that Chris is dying!

"all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'" That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish. Well, He's only half-Jewish. You're fired.

Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it. Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am.

Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I have a plan. I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog. Everybody stand back. Uh-oh-- Oh, boy. Oh--oh! Oh, God. Ahh! Ah--

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?

You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay? (PANTS) Oh, God, that feels so much better.

Morning, Rush. Hey, thanks again for letting me stay here.

Do you really think it could work, Derek?

I can't believe you actually won. But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show. Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela."

Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I've decided I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Brian, why? Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of run my course here, and, you know, besides, there's a whole big world out there, and it's time I saw it. But, Brian, you live here. This is your home. I know, but I've thought about this long and hard, and...

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you! Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home?

Mary, you recently spent some time with Julia Roberts, didn't you? Mary says, "Yes."

Well. not now. But soon!

Artoo! (ARTOO SCREAMING) Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter. Sorry. I just farted.

so, Peter, Did you find a replacement for the team?

All right, I'm ready. Come on, good game.

Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? You'll get the answer to that question next Saturday. (SCOFFS) Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.

You know what? Forget it.

So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland? Pretty good. I made a spaceship... Wait a minute. I'm not talking to you. Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room. It stinks in here. Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING)

But beware, no man has ever returned. Many have gone. All have been lost. Vanished, never to be seen again.

You have to help me get tickets! No. It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time. But she's my favorite. Oh, my God. Are you crying? Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero! I love her so, so much! And this is the only time she's gonna be in town! And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me?

I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No! Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.

All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks.

Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, surfin'... (SINGING GIBBERISH)

Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex! Oh, And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby.

(SHOUTING) So say good morning

I don't know. Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well... I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time.

Peter, I'm off to my book club. Don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting. Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high? Not anymore. I crashed hours ago. By the way, we're out of chips, cookies, and Funny Bones. Now, I'm going to my book club and you are going to the meeting. Hey, Brian, how about you go to that meeting for me, huh? Yeah. I don't think so. Oh, come on, buddy. You owe me.

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too. And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog. Please. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. You know, I will always love you, but I made a commitment to Brian.

You and I didn't quite get along when we first met When you put us together we just didn't blend

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.

Hey, you know what? We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home. I don't know, Peter. That skull-and-crossbones warning before the show was pretty clear about not doing that. Cleveland, shut up. I saw something on TV that I want to imitate. Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!

Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius...

That's not bad. Better than mine.

- Bite. - Hmm. Bite. - Mosquito. - Ah, yes. Good one. - Uh, mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit.

What do you eat? Attention. I like your hair. Still hungry. You have a beautiful speaking voice. I'm full. Let's see, I guess 185 pounds. Wrong. I'm 95% helium. Brian, look what I won.

Quagmire, take a picture. Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Hey! Keep it down. It's just two guys making out. Relax.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off. Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess. Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.

What do you think of that new kid at school, Marty McFly? Seems like he just showed up out of nowhere.

I am a Jew. Prove it! What's a 9% tip on a $200 bill? $18. Which is fair. Oh, my God, it's true! But I'm so confused. Peter, it really doesn't matter. Catholicism and Judaism are not that different. They're two sides of the same coin. In fact, the Last Supper, one of the most iconic images of the Catholic faith,

Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time. Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on T.V.,

Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie! How long is Dad gonna be in Washington?

I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle.

I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that? (OMINOUS MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) TOM: Good evening, I'm Michael Myers. I have enormous psychological problems, and I'm going to take them out on you.

MAN ON RADIO: This just in. The Weather Service has reported a big snowstorm on its way. Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here?

With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis So they sent this little warning They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox

Thanks. You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie. (BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.

Release the virus? No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed. That's a great idea. Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady? Permission granted, sir. Be as loud as you can. I want the kids to know we still got it.

I can't believe I agreed to four costume changes. Who am I kidding? I insisted on it. Brian, thanks so much for doing this. Paul and I are so excited to see your act.

I watched the sun rise in my jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket. Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool. You betcha, son. I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast, and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity. - Would you like that? - Would I? Wow, that's a way better present than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas.

I'm gonna squeeze right in here, if my thighs will let me. (LAUGHING)

You're not Arab! You two are coming with me. WOMAN: This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money. Oh, my God, Meg! Wonder what music they're gonna use for her? (FAIL MUSIC PLAYING)

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.

Did someone say Tex-Mex?

Somebody's got to stand up and prove to this town that he's a crook. And it looks like it has to be me. What was all the commotion? Oh, nothing, it was just... (GIGGLING)

I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! All right. Well, here's a little something in return.

"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight! - Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then.

Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave.

Chris, I think it's time for you to go. Okay, I'll go. But I want you to know, I faked all my light-headedness. Mmm, good Kool-Aid. Whoa! Whoa! Sound familiar?

No, I just repress it. As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

Intolerable as it may be I'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the Device!

Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech.

(EXCLAIMS) I'm gonna kiss you so hard, the picture's gonna change into something else.

Thank you. I'm having a good time, too. I hope I don't make any social fauxpas... like I did at Pamela and Tommy Lee's dinner party. Hi, sorry I'm late. I was visiting my aunt in the hospital. She has hepatitis. Sorry.

What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!

Well then, it looks like we need to start repopulating. Meg and Kent are having space sex We can't show it But that's what's happening (BOTH MOANING)

Bye, new awesome friends. Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

(SCREAMS) Son of a bitch!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote? Hey, honey, guess what?

Oh, my God, don't drink the water. I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, is this beach topless? No, but my margarita's bottomless. Mexico! Mexico! I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero all the time when I get back home. Me, too.

No more balloon for you. I am sick of you tooling around the village in that thing, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week. But, Father-- Go to your palace! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, yes. Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones. Pee-yew! Not that, the balloon!

We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech.

Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois, but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news.

Because I just made stool in there, and if you blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink. Do you understand? Do you understand me, sir? (DOORBELL RINGS) Peter, what brings you here?

What happens if he's not really dying? You go to jail for defrauding a charitable organization.

I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks. Who cares? I don't need Quagmire. And I certainly don't need Joe.

Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Well, it just goes to prove that even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychopathic killer. Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood.

Ow! Ow! What was the point of all that?

Like a dairy cow. Oh, yes! Yes!

Look out! What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.

Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin. I understand you children read my book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel?

All right, past. Here I come. Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta, then Loretta's having an affair. Oh, We can't tell anyone about this. That is the last thing in the world we want to do. What a day! We've done everything in the world. So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair. Good Lord!

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)

Or tie it in a knot, your choice. We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger.

Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!

(EXHALES) Mom? Yeah, we won. Yeah, we won the battle. Yeah, I'm calling, like you asked.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

Now he can't take care of his own bathroom needs. (LAUGHING) That's not funny. That sounds sad. Yeah, I feel bad for him. Oh, don't feel bad for him. He got his name in the paper. What? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) Please look at me! What the hell's wrong with you, Peter? Nothing. What the hell's wrong with you, Swanny? I'm Quags.

(ALL CHEERING) Thank God! We're saved. Look at this. Who throws out half a pizza? And look at this couch. Somebody threw out a whole couch and it's in great shape. Yeah, you put a little Febreze on that, scrub it out a little bit,

(BOTH GROANING) I caught this piece. Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right? I don't know. I actually just had elbow surgery.

(BEEPING) (SMASHING)

You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there? Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier? I said all that stuff. God! Let's not-- Let's not rule anything out. Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING)

time to send you back to hell! (YELLING)

but when she was five years old, her dad ran over one of her legs with his van, and it's still kind of messed up in a pretty obvious, instantly visible way. Please don't say anything. And try to make eye contact with her when she wobbles in, because I want this to work. Yeah, sure. No problem.

Matty. Oh, hiya, Rachael. Oh, hey, Dr. Geller. Sarah. Jim. Merianna. Geez, Joe. Yeah, I come here a lot. All right, I'm gonna hit the john. Good. Me and Joe can stay here and tell secrets. I'm wearing my dead grandmother's panties.

he didn't lose his ability to feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.

but as usual, you had to ruin it. I had to ruin it? Yeah, you. I was actually hoping that you'd talk me out of returning the sweater. So, you're right, I guess I am a moron. You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself, and you have to go and make me feel foolish. - Look, I didn't... - Save it, okay? I'll be waiting outside under the porte cochere.

Hey, Chris, come here. What? Why? Just come here. What is it, Dad? Does it feel like the water suddenly just got warmer? No. Oh, that's right. It's pee that makes it warmer.

Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here.

QUAGMIRE: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who is it?

He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A... Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade.

(GASPS) (PANTING) Come on, Stewie. He's just a little turtle. He can't hurt you. You're safe here in your crib, surrounded by all the things you love.

Yeah. Joe is doing a drug test, and if I give him some of mine, he's gonna know I've been smoking pot. So I need some of your urine, so I can... Uh, you don't have to be naked for this. But I don't have to not be naked for it, either. Aha!

I don't know, but he left his insignia. Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No!

But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

and tried to have sex with your unconscious body? undefinedWhat? Wes. This is the final rose tonight. undefinedBrian. Wes! Yeah, I mean, I know I was skeptical at first...

It is? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois.

Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Oh, and if you do find her, honk this horn a couple times. It's the only way to get her to stop biting you.

Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol.

Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.

Okay, Chris, roll film. And action! Joe, get out of the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (SCREAMS) Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talking. (LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) God, I hate these things. Sweetie, can't you just have a good time?

Excuse us. We're having a small problem with home security. Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode? Land mines? Land mines. It was land mines.

Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie! And This is the back yard. Feel that? That's premium blue-tip Bermuda. Real hardy, but soft. Oh! Good lord! Don't look directly into it, Lois. The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got?

It's stupid. Stupid story. I'm calling the police. That won't be necessary. I already did.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me!

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. I'm looking for a wholesome place for my family to live, so I'd like to buy your farm. All right, well, the going rate for my farm is $875,000. Uh... Nobody called ahead? What? Well, somebody from Fox was supposed to call ahead.

Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative. I smell a sitcom! I suggest you start packing immediately. I can't believe I have to change schools because of you! This is all your fault, Lardo!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry hE's A famIly Guy

(CHEERING) I don't know what the kids are complaining about. This ain't so bad. I know. This is fun. I haven't been to a pep rally in years. Do you have school spirit? Yeah! Do you have school spirit? Yeah! Who's got the most school spirit?

Lois, I know how to get Joe and Bonnie back together. Joe just told me how he and Bonnie met.

- (ULULATES) - Yes, good job. You're doing it. Bamba! Ooh, so close. All right, Lois, I'm off to the bazaar. What do you mean? You mean the market? Yeah, the bazaar. Well, if you're going to the market, can you pick up some cereal, some butter, and a loaf of bread? I'll see what they have.

Welcome to Executive Bathroom Island. Well, this is peaceful.

watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe. Peter, instead of wasting your free gas on a series of comedic stunts, why don't you use it more constructively? I mean, we could take a family vacation. Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom.

Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is.

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was a big joke. (INHALES DEEPLY) I'd, um... I'd just like...

Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin. Uh, I'd like to report a dangerous criminal who may be coming into town. I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I--

I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING)

Ok. Ok. So how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.

Well, it's good to see everyone's adapting to their new business roles. Brian, I like your successories. I will. I will go get it.

You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again! Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China,

Ok. Open it! Ahh! Let me go! Help! Help! All right. Where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search, I swear! Ahh! Sir, we apologize. Griffin, There's no easy way to say this.

This sucks! I want to see the Grand Canyon! I'm sorry, but we are not leaving Stewie by himself. We're going home.

Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow.