(SOBBING)

Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni, your H.B.O. comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. And what a sweet ass.

You had your chance. I mean, I thought you were my soul train, but you didn't want me.

Are those my books? What the hell are you doing? Mmm, Papier-mache. I used them to make the houseboat from Surfside 6. You remember. Surfside 6 who lives there? Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk!

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING) (SCREAMING AND WHOOPING) (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, he is so adorable.

Here, let me help you to the door. (GASPS)

That's easy. John Forsythe. Yeah, John Forsythe. John Forsythe, absolutely. That's so funny. I would also say John Forsythe. I was just curious. Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is just so... Uh-oh. Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Surfside 6 who lives there? Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk! Mama, doggy scary! Brian, have you lost your mind? He's just a baby. He doesn't know what he's doing. This isn't over!

I told you, I'm not fighting! I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect!

She got her arm shot off in VietnaM. Oh. Poor kid. What a senseless war. I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter. Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs?

Turkey! Ahh!

Pardon me, we're two Asian businessmen looking to invest in McBurgertown Industries, and we'd like a tour of your facility. You don't look Asian. Well, I guess we'll just take our millions of dongs elsewhere. Wait, wait. Let me get our general manager.

We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch. Horace, hit it. Just a small town girl

Hang on a second. What's going on here? Something doesn't add up. Just a minute. Time out. This ain't quite right. Now I get it. We should go.

Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me.

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra. My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs! No, not that, you idiot. Where is the dead body?

Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright gave it to me. Say, you look like you're pretty down, Peter. Ah, it's just that I'm starting to realize I'm not as young as I used to be. I hear you. After my bypass, I remember wondering if it was all downhill from there. But then I realized it doesn't have to be. You're only as young as you feel. I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that.

Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny?

Good evening, I'm Ed Manzelli. What can I do for you? I'm looking for a guy who used to work here. Name's Mario. Got any idea where he could be? I haven't seen him in over a month. That's the end of my line. Your line, NCIS.

Yeah. It's yours. You like my pants? Uh, Sure. They're yours! Know what a merkin is? No. Pubic wig. I got one. You want it? No! Of course You don't! You're a classy guy! You want to be rich? - Yes! - Sign here. What the hell?

You know, this thing is bugging me. All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD) So, you gonna introduce me to your pals? That's Trap Jaw, that's Optimus Prime, that's Destro, and that's a Care Bear. You having a tea party?

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. Sperm whales and seamen. A swallow. Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. They've already boarded. (PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert.

Wow, he must've had some demons. My God, suicide.

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance!

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.

Mort Goldman! He's so clever! Show them, Morty!

You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trots? No, No, the pair with the hole in the left butt cheek from when I held it in for 2 hours because it was that extra-long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule after Mass, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?

Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

You want me to be your girlfriend? Shucks. I guess that's what I'm driving at.

Jeez, it's like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him. He's acting all crazy like Quagmire when he drunk-dials me. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? (SLURRING) Hey, what are you... What are you doing? Quagmire, I'm sleeping. Yeah, I was just out with Joe. What are you doing? I just told you.

PETER: Let go!

Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian. Yeah. If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were because we're out.

And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

He's got my neck! (SCREAMING)

Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to? Yeah. Make it out to Charmin, because that's how I'm going to use it. "Charmin." Is that with an "S-H" or... Wait a minute. That's not nice. You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you.

But aren't you going out with JoAnne Fuller? JoJo? No, she's my neighbor. I've known her forever. She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo?

A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn!

But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.

My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey! I prayed for you, Max Weinstein,

Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

Yeah. Now, you say this spy is located somewhere in Quahog? That's right. We need you to set up some roadblocks to help us contain him. Do you have any clues regarding the identity of the spy? It's a little tricky, sir. See, the operative is completely unaware that he's been programmed, and the only way to activate him and discover his identity is by saying the phrase,

Hold on, I'll get it. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! Who is it? I got it! - Morning, Peter. - Hey, Joe. Bonnie and I are having company tonight. Wondering if I could borrow some wet food. Yeah, sure thing. That's Joe. He's our local human catcher. So, don't misbehave or the human catcher will come after you, Gabe. My name's not Gabe!

(SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you. Peter, you and I need to talk about Quagmire.

Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on!

Artoo! (ARTOO SCREAMING) Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

And now to present the award for Sickest Onscreen Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness, Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls.

Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter. Well, let's eat. You must be starving, Peter. What am I, on trial here? Maybe you should just eat something, Peter. Go on, put some food in your mouth. Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God!

It's ok. It's ok. It's all gonna be ok. Peter, you better do your C.P.R. There's no time, Lois. I got to go warn Quagmire while I got the chance. Quick, to the Peter copter!

I was just so tired of being everyone's whipping girl that it felt kind of good to do some of the whipping. Give me the gun, Meg. Thanks for reminding me who I really am.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine.

"There were no survivors." Who do I see about a Section 8? Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house! I don't even want to be a part of this family anymorE! MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice.

Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material! What's this? Bedpan? Peter Pan. Next stop is Neverland. Come, Wendy, fly with me. (BEEPING)

Damn, Griffin, you fill those out nicely. Why is there a dusty gas station and a Diet Pepsi machine in your office? 'Cause your car broke down,

- See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube. (SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING) Whoa! What the hell are these? Hamsters? Oh, my God, they're adorable!

Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft. Oh, your ears. Your ears are like dog ears.

JOE: What's happening? He's not gonna go through with it. It's a nice family, and the kid'll be better off here. JOE: Oh, that's sweet! What's the inside of the house look like? Colonial. Furniture's pretty good. Possibly imported area rug. JOE: Oh, that's nice! A bit pricey, but for the money you're spending, you know, it's not a bad way to go!

Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder!

My purse! Come on, Greg. Let's roll.

Here it is. So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something. Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package. Who are you? Griffin! You got to help me, Dr. Hartman.

No.

Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready? (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God! (LAUGHING) These guys are hilarious.

Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy. Yeah, but that should have been our time slot. Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal. I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week.

What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on a multinational fast food conglomerate. Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian. Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world. How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point? Okay, religion.

And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good. Brian, are you going straight back to the hotel? 'Cause I was gonna go back... You know what, I'll just... I'll take a cab.

They're really reaching for guest stars in the 10th season. Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here! I'm already a total outcast because of you! You're just upset because you wrecked the cable transmitter. I did not! Forget it. What good is a car if I have no friends? I didn't wreck T.V.! My dad did! What? What'd she say?

All right, Chris, have a seat. Your date will be here any minute. In fact, I think she'll be coming through that door. (IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late. Your dad told me all about you. You sound like a swell fella.

So, like, you see a hot girl, and you're, like, "Okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty "'cause you've definitely worked at it "with the clothing, and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." But secretly, I'm just, like, "Hey, man... "Where is the chase and how do I cut to it?" Wow, you're smart.

They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo!

The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube. Comments ranged from sympathy all the way to racial slurs directed at others who chose to comment. Great, I'm a laughingstock. What do I do? Come on, Quagmire. It's not so bad. You could kill yourself. Well, it's just a thought, but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness? Yeah, Brian's right.

I mean, she herself is so pretty, but that thing just looks like a string of sausages - with one empty casing in it. I get it. I mean, it's quite a sight, you know? I mean, when she's not looking, you should take a look at it, but, good God, be discreet. Yeah, I'll check that out. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup.

Can't we just eat? And now I shall continue the prayer.

Peter, catch! Ow!

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW PLAYING) And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, keep your eye on the sky for the aerial acrobatics of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho!

Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell.

Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife! Come on, you hairy lubbin' friggin' rod! Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman? No way! ahh! ahh! Oh, For the love of Pete!

(QUAGMIRE GRUNTING SOFTLY)

Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke!

It's me! Eliza Pinchley.

Growing all the time Look how sensitive I am 'Cause my voice is so fine Every beer I've ever had

CHOIR: There was a man He dropped out Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

- Oh, no! - Oh, no!

Mom, I can't eat. I'm too grossed out by Grandpa's ears. I know. They're like a big, gray enchanted forest. Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross. And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.

Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff. (ALL LAUGHING) Seriously, stop it! Okay, did everyone else feel that? I felt it. Oh, I felt it, too. I felt whatever the most senior executive in this room felt. Okay, good. So we all felt it. Wait, you're not seriously considering him, are you? James Woods is insane.

PETER: Yes, he did. Says here he talked Muriel into selling him OxyContin for him and his 19-year-old girlfriend. This went on for weeks. But then she started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off. But he wouldn't let her. He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds. Sounds like a pretty good motive to me.

there was one guard who decided everyone's fate. If he pointed to the left, you did hard labor. If he pointed to the right, you died. That man was Franz Schlechtnacht. I was spared death, but I was given hard labor.

Why have you forsaken mE? Uh, mis--mis-- Mr. Weed? Um, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And If you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday.

That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007, while you were supposedly in your coma. Look, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me? The truth. Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING)

All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.

Oh, and, uh, you're so pretty. You're always pretty. Oh, you guys are so sweet. Well, it's my pleasure. Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye. (RETCHING)

I'm telling you, this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden. Oh, my God! Peter! When did you get that? Eh, a few of the fellows at work talked me into it, said it was something I might need. Well, it's horrible! And the worst thing is I found out I got it on the gay side. Hey, are you coming out tonight? I'm not gay! They put the hole in the wrong side.

(AIR HISSING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Quick, Brian, get on! PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

Well, I guess I better get busy. Ahh!

Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper.

I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now. don't you? Ok, if you want to be dirty, be dirty. Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned!

Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home.

woo-hoo! Baby! 12 in a row!

Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole.

Oh, Give it to her good, old man! Peter, wait. I--I've been thinking.

Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor.

(SCREAMING) Cookie!

You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon.

You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words. Check out my penis!

Look closely at his sinewy muscular form and unusual vitality. ft is a thrill to watch him dig a ditch or mr a jug of water or participate in a hunt. Cut. Print. Gay. What's going on? Peter paid the villagers to reenact the "Contest" episode of Seinfeld.

You stay out of this, lady! (GROANS) I got one! I think I got one! Yeah, yeah, but I got the other four. (GROANS) They're gone now. They're gone. Well, they took the gift I had for you, but at least you're okay. And that trip to the Eiffel Tower was just amazing.

Lois, how could you let your idiot husband take over my company? He fired all my staff, his stupid ideas are bankrupting Pewterschmidt Industries, and now he won't step down! I know, Daddy. He's become so full of himself.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here!

He-Man

Oh, this is bogus! Two shakes, that's it. Move along. Oh. Why, thank you, tinkle fairy.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy We interrupt this program with a special report. Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years,

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay!

No. oh, So he's still mad, huh? hmm, well, I should go. Here. Take this. It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore. Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he coulD. Bingo! I told you she'd lead us to him. Let's call Pewterschmidt.

It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat!

(PANTING) Stewie, what's going on? Aren't you supposed to be at daycare? I escaped. What happened to your arm? I finally stood up for all of us and told Miss Emily we should be given a proper lunch and not just what's left over from her Baja Fresh. And she said I shouldn't raise my voice and pulled me really hard into the other room, and my arm came out of its socket.

All right, listen up, ladies. We got something to say and we ain't taking no for an answer. We are going on a road trip. We don't know how long we'll be gone, and don't expect a call from us to check in. This trip is about men being men. We will drive after a couple of beers and not make a big federal case about it. We're gonna sneeze and not put our hand over shit.

You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.

Honey, do something! Well, No baby. But it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble. Peter, that's the head!

Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today.

Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way. This court will come to order. I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they'd, uh, catch their mistake. Why are we making a federal case out of this?

"And, to me, also sorrow, "for circumstance had bound her to my best friend, "through whom we met in the warmth and serenity of her home. "Nothing from the first day I saw her "and no one that has happened to me since "has ever been as frightening and as confusing,

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that? Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel. STEWIE: Stewart Griffin, explorer, adventurer, skin-diving international playboy. (INHALES DEEPLY)

What took you so long? What took you so ugly?

What's that supposed to mean? Say, "I bet you can't get a boner." I bet you can't get a boner. That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one. Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome. I've always thought you were handsome. Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that.

God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

Oh, oh, Hold on a second. H-hold on. Hold on. Relax. Everybody relax. All right, Look, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. But We need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. Now, My psychiatrist gave me these pills. They're mood elevators. I-I think they could help, uh, even us out. We're not taking pills. It's not natural.

I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these? (Announcer) This July, let he who is without sin kick the first ass. Oh, Man, that's all we need. More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo.

(DOOR SLAMMING) (RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about.

Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese.

Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again.

You won't be hurting anyone anymore. I just can't believe he's gone. (Pastor) Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. Daddy, I'm gonna miss you. Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too.

Death, there is no way Peter can do your job. He could never kill anyone. Yeah! I mean, you know, I've thought about it, you know, like in church and stuff but I don't think I could ever do what you do. WHy? You think you're better than me? I'm tired of always being the bad guy.

All right, Meg, enjoy your bachelorette party. I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see what you crazy girls are gonna do while I'm gone, but just remember this is a residence and should be treated as such. And if you girls drink anything, there's recycling under the sink in the kitchen. Okay, have fun.

Oh, God, it's so hot. Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum. How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat.

Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being--

Huh. Must've got the wrong hat.

You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS)

There you go, you got it. One, five, five. What? You say, "One one, two fives." One, five, five. No, no. Not one one and two fives. Two ones. Two, one, one, one, two, five. Oh, my God. Okay. How many ones?

Yes, Chris. This is where babies come from. You told me I came out of your vagina! Next! Hi. Yeah, we're the Griffins. Griffin, Griffin.

I demand to know who made you! Stewie, it's not polite to point. I'm so sorry. That's ok, Lois. He's just curious about the chair. About 10 years ago I was investigating a robbery at an orphanagE.

Now, wait a minute. What the hell does that mean? Are you saying I'm not smart? You don't have to be. You're adorable, like those calendars that have monkeys in clothes. Look, why don't we talk about this in the morning? I want to finish that book. Sweetie, since when do you wear reading glasses?

Jesus Christ.

Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States. Well, this day has taken a bad turn, like Mike Brady's first marriage. Here's your beer, honey. I don't remember asking for a warm beer.

Look who's got pimples. And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy! I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before.

Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium. Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down.

I don't know what happened, Brian. Not having a government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we seem to have botched it all up. - Looks that way. - Wait a minute. There might be a way out of this. What? We just talk to the guy who got us into this. He'll know what to do.

A bitch.

We gotta protect bald eagles? Bald eagles should be allowed to make their own decisions! Honey, I don't care that you're bald. I find you just as attractive. It's not about you. It's about my confidence as an eagle architect.

What? I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun.

Ugh! Hello This is Tom Tucker...

What the hell is that? Oh, my God. There's fish everywhere. Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef. Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers.

What?

Well, it suggests that time may not simply be flowing backwards, it may, in fact, be accelerating. Accelerating? Why would that be happening? I'm not sure. Have you ever heard of a phenomenon called time dilation, Brian? Sure. No, you haven't. Time dilation, in forward time, is a phenomenon caused by a variety of factors in which time moves more slowly.

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy

but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.

Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time. So you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver. My own driver? Holy crap, that's awesome. Where is he? She's right here, Peter. Meg? Yeah, Dad. I don't mind driving you around till you get your license back. What? Lois, this is the best you could do?

ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

And oh, I... What the hell? Are you listening to Anne Murray? Uh, I am experiencing Anne Murray. Why? That music is complete crap. Um... Excuse me? It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe. It has no edge whatsoever.

Stewie, we got to get the hell out of here before that loan shark finds us. Yes, you're right. I've got a bad feeling, Brian. I've got a good feeling, Brian. I'm gonna get me that honey.

(PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie.

Here, baby. I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself. Honey, I'll be right there. By all means, take your time.

Besides, I can't throw my best friend out on the street like a prom night dumpster baby. Hey, what you doing out here? Don't you want to dance? Sure.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers.

I say, I say, Ahmed. What is that thing you people do when you're about to assassinate an infidel? Ah, You mean this? Oh, God. Yes, I love that.

(CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy. Yes, you are.

Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think! I don't know. You think of something. Well, I have no idea! So, you invented a time machine, but you can't get us out of a safe? Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini. Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor.

Yes! I win again, Andy. Come on, mate. One more before the missus notices I'm not snoozin' on the couch. Too late! hey, Careful, Quagmire. Don't--Don't get too close to that thing. Ah! Ugh. What the hell? Did I just get laid?

How do I stay so crazy? Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, pooping in the chimney. Hold out your stockings, kids!

Stewardess, the plane just made my beer spill. I want a free one. Sir, all your beers have been free. All 9 of them.

It's my company. It's your company. Three's company. Where the kisses are hers and hers and his.

Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup.

(IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

Here we are, Brian, safe and sound. - Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair. - Now, now, no arguments, Brian. I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe. I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a... Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence.

Can I help you? Yeah, I'm Brian. I'm the guy all the comedians have been talking about. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Lauren is in the back. Just follow the music and you will find her. Thanks. (VIOLIN PLAYING)

Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie. Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down! I don't think that he's listening to you. Let's get him! ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you.

Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? Stewie, this isn't what it looks like. Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to... (EXCLAIMING) Ain't nobody talking to you. Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? You know, I'm really... I'm sensing something here that... I should be going.

FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING)

Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.

Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone! That's impossible. She was still passed out on the couch when we left. (GROANS) What the hell happened? Joe! You're okay! Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer!

Check out my penis! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Yeah. I am ready for sex! I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode! Is there more underneath, or is that it? I'm sorry? (LAUGHING) Zac, just get the hell out of my car!

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap. Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight? Gee, I don't know. I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex.

Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible! Oh, here's a pop-up book. "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."

Well, I really admired the mother character's admission of personal torment after her daughter's death. I--i disagree. I felt a total lack of ethical integrity in her readiness to abandon her children and start a life of her own. Ah, Here's another thing: The book can also be a hat. And the other night, I had to do a...

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING)

Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet. You'll never guess who it was. James Woods? WOODS: Hello, stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home.

You know, I'm very glad you're here, Patrick. Well, I want to tell you that Marian and I both appreciate what you've done. Marian? Oh, you have a girlfriend. Oh, where are my manners? Marian is my wife. She is sitting right next to me. Oh, here we go. Oh...

Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go!

Well, I'm off to work. Ok, honey.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

(SCREAMS)

My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.

He nailed one! We have our theme!

Quiet, everybody, my commercial's on. Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru. We will blitz the competition, and in no time,

Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means? If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana, which is a girl's name, and I'm... And you know, I'm not gonna give you... I'm not gonna give you the definition right now just for your satisfaction. You know, Brian, I don't think you're in a position, really, here to pull rank on anybody.

Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? Yeah. And I think I might need some right now. Get out now or stay and get weird. Your call, warden.

No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.

And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick. W-where--Where are the bags? What the deuce do you mean? They're right... Rupert! I told you to watch the bags! You were watching the boys again, weren't you? It's that steward, isn't it?

Oh. I'm still getting used to your sense of humor. Actually, there was a riot in the prison yard and I slipped over the fence. Well, quick, get in here before somebody sees you. Oh, Meg, I've wanted to do that for so long. That tastes better than a guy's penis, I tell you.

What about the third Bronte sister? Oh, Emily, Wuthering Heights was truly splendid. Oh, no, Charlotte, Jane Eyre was so very brilliant. I made blood out me lady parts! Good for you. So we've all done something. It's happening now. Ah. It's a period joke. It's a period period joke.

Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What?

The Messiah, he's gone. Where did he go?

Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Excuse me, that's my seat. We'll talk about this at home. (SIGHS) Let's see. Who's in this thing? Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody. Victor Garber? That's pretty good. How did he get Victor... Oh, of course. Tonight it's Randall Evan Battincourt. God, I hate understudies.

And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is. (Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter.

(CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium. (GUN FIRING) (AIR HISSING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just bleed all over the city? Stay with us.

Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog.

Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.

God would totally do her He'd do her all the way Even call her the next day To see how her work was going

Hey, you know, if we're all gonna be tryin' to figure this out together, maybe it would be easier if we gave each other names. That's a great idea. Hey, maybe my name is on this collar. "Cremate, don't bury."

You 2, fight to the death!

That was strangely arousing. Ow!

I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.

And the lab inside the house, which is currently producing an incredibly volatile and explosive batch of thermo-reactive... (EXPLOSION) (THUDDING) There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house.

Calling out around the world Are you ready for a brand-new beat? Summer's here, and the time is right

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people. You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to. This interview is over.

Well, now, wait a second, Lois. I could run the company. You? You can't run a business that size. You have no experience. You know what that is, Lois? That's you playing by the rule book. And I don't play by the rule book. Right, Dr. House? Well, don't ask me. My superiors think I'm crazy. (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Scared you, didn't I? House.

Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap. Well, you can't fight City Hall. Oh, we'll see about that! City Hall knows karate. I'm sorry, Peter, but the government makes the rules. I just enforce them.

Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Well, I suppose it's possible. Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from Little Shop of Horrors. Da-doo I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago. Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face.

Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter.

And you know what I appreciate about your joke, Peter? It's clean. It's clean funny!

What the hell's all that noise? Brian, it was Bertram! He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to... (RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES)

Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight. Hoi!

Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China,

something's going to come along called Sesame Street.

Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear.

Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.

this is just radio. Well, Class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately, Megan Griffin ruined T.V. So instead, we're having a surprise test.

How was the cast party? We're a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. It's the greatest feeling in the world. Yeah, I bet it is.

Here's your welfare check.

Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat! Forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio. Well, Class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe of New Guinea.

My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office?

and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?"

One, two, three. Hey! What you doing down there, Lois? What's the matter? Mad at little old me? In your imagination, I've got long eyelashes.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah! That's all well and good, Peter. Now, get ready, we're having dinner with my parents tonight!

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.

That's weird.

Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS)

Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working. Great. You can teach me how to drive. Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead. There's a big world out there just waiting for us to grab it by the short hairs! Damn! Let's go.

My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow.

Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited.

He 's retarded Peter is

Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT) (GROANS)

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha."

Oh. They absolutely love your book. The simplistic writing style is very graspable to them. Here's your award. I made it all by myself.

Well, I guess through the Lord's will, anything is possible. All right, Lois. Scotty can have his treatment. Oh, thank you! Thank you, and God bless you both! Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people. You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean?

(LOUD THUMPING MUSIC) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) So, what do you think, Carter? You having a good time? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm very uncomfortable.

and I've been in this wheelchair ever since. I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.

Goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same Wake me up before you go-go Don 't lea ve me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go And take me dancing tonight

Tricia Takanawa. What are you doing here? Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon. (MAN SINGING)

(YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland. (LAUGHING)

Could you... - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool.

(GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Should we help him? Eh. (MUFFLED) I think... I think... I think...

Also, "Check, please!" Plus, "Open mouth, insert foot" and "Wait, if you're here, then that means... Oh boy!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Order now and receive Sounds of the 80's Studio Audience, which includes "Trouble Brewing" AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Hey, listen, thanks for agreeing to take care of Principessa while we're gone, Lois.

Well, this sucks. Hey, I'm gonna go try one of those slot machines by the entrance. They always set those things to pay out more so they can lure people into the casino. (GROANS) Damn it, Vegas! Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay.

I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my savior. It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. I want to share the word of God with everyone I know, starting with my family. Now, everyone hold hands, because we're gonna say grace before we eat.

Game over, man! Game over! Uh, Damn it!

We're gonna have to use some cortisone on that. Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game. Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here.

Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it! You're not uncomfortable, are you?

That's my only offer. Take it or leave it. Peter, you must go. We will find our own way. I'll never forget you, Gerardo. Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo, but I'm glad I'm finally an American again. Being an immigrant is a real pain in the ass. I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.

I'm hungry. Jasper's residence. Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian? Peter? I-i-It's me. Jasper's my cousin. I'm using his place while he works at Club Med. Are you on a cell phone? Yeah. We're in L.A. WhAt? Uh... Uh, What--What a terrific surprise! Brian, can we see you for dinner?

(SIGHS) Yeah, I guess. You seem a little distracted. Is everything okay? Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about... Someone should have come tonight, but they didn't. Ah, it's nothing. That's good. Hey, Officer Swanson? Yeah? You know how they say never meet your heroes? Well, they don't say anything about kissing them.

If he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it. Easy! Massage the scalp! You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk!

Her smiles, her frowns her ups, her downs are second nature to me now Like breathing out and breathing in I'm very grateful she's a woman and so easy to forget rather like a habit one can always break

Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank. Oh, God! This is all my fault.

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death!

Now look at me.

It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah! Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji!

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha! Very well. But I am not really your father, Ha ha! ah!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING)

You know, just guy stuff. You know, just a bro, you know? Someone you can read the Sunday paper or share an orange with. Honestly, Darth, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. (STAMMERING) Well, I don't know what you want me to... Look, just go down to the moon and wait for your son. I have foreseen that his compassion for you will be his undoing. Got it. On my way.

It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot. Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered.

punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Good evening, everyone. (GASPS) James Woods!

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And here's John Wayne Gacy at the first Thanksgiving. "I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

Well, I don't care for your tone and I'd say you deserve a good kick in the... (LAUGHING) Look! Brian, look at them! JOE: Come in. Drop it, creep-o!

JOE: Yeah, I feel like she banged somebody gross. QUAGMIRE: You know, I heard the sweater budget on this show was 200 grand. Didn't you tell me that, Peter? Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

That doesn't even make any sense! (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh. Hi, Consuela.

Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat Can't touch me

Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book. So, which of the Latin countries are you from?

Grab a beer and follow me. See this car? I restored it myself this summer. I was here for 12 weeks. I had to do something. But along the way, I learned about honesty, integrity and cold-filtered Miller Genuine Draft. (BURPS) That's an adult beverage right there.

(GROANS)

I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God. 'Cause it's not really up to me. It's up to him. And I want to thank the devil, too. You know, 'cause that's why God's there. He's minding the fence, making sure that guy never comes back. Uh...

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.

Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois. Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now.

Yes. Forgive me, sire. But how could you not be aware of this?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Up next, the Hannah Montana marathon. Yes! And for all you fans, the Miley Cyrus tour is coming to the Quahog Civic Center for three nights only. Call to get your tickets now. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! But not now. 'Cause it just sold out.

(MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled!

Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate. intimate. IntiMatE. So we're really gonna live here now? Intimate. That's right, honey.

Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on! Hey, Hey, show me Morgan Fairchild in Deep something. Huh? Huh? Huh? Ah, You don't care.

It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02.

Excuse me, sir. Secret Service. I wonder if we might ask for your assistance. Yeah, what's the problem? We're with President Clinton's motorcade. It seems he blew a tire in front of your house. Boy, that guy is really horny, isn't he?

Oh, no! It's the Sheriff! Quick, into the closet!

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy woo-hoo! Baby! 12 in a row!

Now, let him go! Okay! Okay! You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee.

There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my backup guy had plans. Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. (STAMMERING) Oh, I... Hang on.

Run! There you are. Oh, Don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Oh. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baa-shful?

hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."

But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!

Beer, glass. All right, now watch this. Oh, hey. Guess I'll go over here for a minute. Oh, holy crap! That's still pouring itself. Oh, wow. That's amazing. I've never seen anyone do that. You want to go out later? I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle. Okay, everybody ready? Hey, where's Quagmire?

laying traps and forming slo-pitch softball leagues. Well, whatever makes them happy. Live and let live, that's what I say. And I'm sure that's what they say, too. Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. Wow, you're a different color than me. Would you like to be equals?

Excuse me, which one was Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork? Uh, I think it was that one. Give me cocaine!

I think you're an idiot.

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke. I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. I'll tell the joke.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.

But an hour and a half, Brian!

Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really?

Brian, I know you're upset about what happened with Kate and everything, but I did have one more thought. Yeah, what's that? Well, since Kate is blind, you could probably just do a different voice and go out with her all over again.

Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel.

Oh--oh, a-a-a-And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose, y'know, to make the guys laugh. And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation? Well, I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular.

There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on. DREYFUSS: Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider. ROY SCHEIDER: How are you, Richard? DREYFUSS: Fine, Roy. How are you? SCHEIDER: Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up. Maybe reminisce about Jaws. DREYFUSS: Great.

What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out, and we did. I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful, and you've completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit! Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--"

It's only a matter of time before, uh... Oh, my God! They've opened fire! All right. It looks like things are getting very heated here.

And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle! Yeah, I heard it. They say my name on TV all the time. Calm down, bitch. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me,

You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived. He wants fat? I'll show him fat. The only reason I'm eating anyway is because of him. He won't touch me.

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner.

Can I interest you folks in some of our heavenly cheesecake?

Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want?

It's so artificial.

- Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)

Do it again!

Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.

but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this. Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good? You....

I'm your biggest fan! Can I touch your hair? Who are you guys? How did you get back here? Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby. And he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer. Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it.

Good-bye

There's got to be at least a hundred clubs at your school. Well, I do have a friend at the school newspaper. Thatta girl! I got your first story right here. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go!

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

What happens if he's not really dying? You go to jail for defrauding a charitable organization. Oh. That's interesting. Will you excuse us? You're right! There's only one way out of this! Chris is all better! I cured him! You cured him? That's right. I have divine powers! Ok. Safe drive.

But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you!

Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

Yeah, you're right. Look there's the Aurora Borealis.

All right, bring her through. Peter, stop it. For God's sake, you're embarrassing me. Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates.

Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah.

Come on. Let's get out of here. All right. The two of you stand over there and I'll send you back where you belong. Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Nature, with a Guy Named Terry in It. (GROWLING) NARRATOR: The cheetahs will feed through the night. While the strongest made the kill, the oldest will eat first. And there's Terry. All right, come on, guys. She's gonna be here any minute.

Wow. Um... No guy has ever said anything that nice to me before. Well, maybe you've been hanging around with jerks.

Brian, come here. I want you to hear my presidential address for St. Rupert's Day. I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed. Screw off. I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws. Just take a look, will you?

I couldn't afford to lose two of you. What do you mean, two of us? Well, chances are Peter never would have survived the surgery. I mean, I mean, dog kidneys? I'm not even sure dogs have kidneys. Do dogs have kidneys? Yes. This... This is the guy. Oh, my God, Brian...

Come on now! This is damn foolish!

I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it.

Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter. Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right.

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too.

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland. I think you created a monster. Well, there's only one thing to do, Lois. We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it.

She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out. "P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.

I told him it was for me. I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois! (CHORTLES)

we're going to have to take him down. Don't worry, Joe, I'm good with tight situations. Like when I saved Luke Skywalker's life. Okay, Luke, this will keep you warm until I get the shelter built. You're sure this is okay? Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat.

No, no! No, you can't just jam jokes in for no reason! It has to be organic to the situation! What the hell you being so frigging comedy Hitler about? I was in three improv groups in college, Peter. I was in Improvidence, I was in the Wackadamia Nuts, and I know I'm dating myself here, but Three Smile Island. My point being that I am the only experienced member of this group.

It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick. Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh. Oh, my God. Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways. Thank you.

Who's to blame? For Corey Haim His name is Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E You must refuse You'll make the obituary news If you mess with Mr. Booze If you've been so stiff they thought you died

(BEEPS)

I awoke several hours later in a daze.

He's a hero in these parts, huh? Use your head. Peter, you're acting like an idiot. Oh, yeah? I don't like the way you've been acting lately. I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please? What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.

I smell a sitcom!

Hey, hey, you're welcome. Our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Maharjarifa... Something September 11th-y. All right, Omar, your word is "candy."

I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy?

That's all the motivation I need to actually do this. Did we finish fueling? Do you see the hose in the plane?

I want the girl I grew up with back. (STAMMERING) I want... I want my sister back. Brenda, I love you. Please make the right decision.

Morning, Lois. And you were worried. Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on. Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie. Don't move!

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Hey, guys, you got a minute? Hey, what's up, buddy? It's about my dad. He wants to have a sex-change operation. Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay. No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body. Yeah, gay. It's totally different!

No, no, not all right! Well, I'm glad we're finally going out, Ellen. I've really liked you for a long time. Hey, what the hell you think you're doing? Sitting down. Get up and pull my chair out for me. Oh, goodness, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I think that just might have been cocky forest talk. No, but you got to take advantage of this. Seize your moment. Like the duck Founding Father. Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights, but I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air. All in favor? ALL: Aye. Opposed? (DUCK SQUAWKS) The motion carries.

Stewie? Yeah? It's not your fault. What? It's not your fault.

Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me!

It's funny. I never knew video poker could be so much fun. You win a few hands and all those lights go off. And you just feel so good inside. Yeah, gambling is great. No question about it. It felt so good. I kept putting my money in.

Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight. You're on. I'll take the Don Martin-looking one. Welcome to Shawshank Prison. I'll be your warden.

Mmm. Oh! You got to taste this lamb tagine. Here. No, that... No, that's okay. Come on, you'll love it. Ah... Just a taste.

Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part 4.

(CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Okay. Here it comes, James. Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those! I hate Quagmire lately. Me, too.

To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy

You gotta kiss him to wake him up.

Try to play nice with the other children. What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place?

Ta-da! (GASPING) Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, God.

I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow. And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty. The Queen, eh? I'd like to mash my banger in her blood pudding. Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus.

What do we do now? What the hell do we do now? We pray. Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

I brought a gift.

That's not a knife. That's a knife. This is also a knife.

Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.

Thank you. Hey, when you're beautiful, doors magically open for you. Actually, it opened because you stepped on that black rubber square. Of course, if that wasn't there, it would have opened anyway because you're beautiful. Wow!

I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh!

and if Jabba pushes the button... (ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say? But there's a trap door right under your feet! There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking!

We gotta send these strap hangers back where they Came from. Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Then afterwards, we'll hit the bars. That sounds good to me. I'm 18, and I'm ready to do some living. We are gonna raise more hell than Hellraiser. (GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak?

Stewie! Wh--wh--What the devil are you doing here? Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him.

(GROANS) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)

Finally, We go to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for 60 seconds of filler. Thanks, Tom. I'm here on Spooner Street Where several quahog families are holding a car wash to raise money for an organ transplant for young Paul Lewis. so, What do you call this device, Paul? It's an iron lung. It keeps me from dying. I want to play baseball!

Yeah.

I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding.

Always nice to meet a fan of my movies. Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy. Yes, you are.

Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove to you that that's a bunch of bull. Look around you. The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.

Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town. If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair... ...l'll never ask you for shopping money again.

Peter! Max, it was nice of you to invite us along. Your husband's got a good heart, Lois,

(MUMBLING) No. I'm good, thanks.

What? It was just Carpet Fresh. I'm on your side.

He hides it well. He wishes. "Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end. Hmm. I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

(ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear. Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles. Oh! Here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep. Oh, my God! While James Woods High remains open,

Is Chris still doing chores for that disgusting old man? Meg, that's not nice. Old people have a lot to offer society. Just look at Kim Catrall.

(LAUGHS) Movie references. Guys, I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck! Hurry! Oh! Thank God! Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia.

But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, Actually, that guy who did was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. It appears a new challenger has entered the field. The crowd has fallen deathly ill-- silent. Sorry.

You know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO. Come on. Just a little higher, honey. Mom, I don't think I can--

Family, we need to talk. Your father was sexually harassed at work today. What? That's right. Angela grabbed my ass. So what? Peter, a woman can't sexually harass a man. - Why not? - I don't know.

Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection. (LAUGHING) One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye. Shut up, poor kid. No, I'm serious, look!

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

No! You killed my brother! How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's--He's alive. Oh, Well played, sperm brother. Well played! He's more clever than I thought.

What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something? Picking on the new kid, huh? Well, at least my parents didn't name me Gaymar! (LAUGHING) Wow, I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual. And by laughing at other people's sexuality, somehow I feel better about my own.

- What did you get? - Your crusts. That's it? No. I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Connie's coming over to talk to me! Sit up straight! Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost. Thank you.

- It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

- Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay. Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it.

Oh, No. Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary. I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies. Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife. Oh, just a housewife?

Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!

How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad.

(JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

(CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant,

Oh, no! Both the pilots are unconscious, and we are in a nose-dive. If only there was someone on board who could save us. I said, if only there was someone on board who could save us. Peter, I don't see Quagmire.

yee-ah! Lois, that was amazing! Congratulations-- This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

Lois, hug, you got it. Stewie, hug, two in a row. Try for three, Chris? No, high five. Well, that's okay. High five's great, too. Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake.

Happy Days

Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

"I was highly disappointed by your erotic novel. "Here's what I would have wrote. "'It was past midnight when the blonde, smoking-hot lab assistant, "'who looked a little like Heather Locklear, only with bigger jugs, "'was grabbed and thrown onto the lab table.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, gotta go and drain the eel. It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis. Hey. Throw darts much? (LAUGHING) Boy, I see what you're saying, Peter. Billy's annoying. Yeah, and PS, that guy doesn't throw darts much. He's new.

Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING) Oh, hi, Peter. (LAUGHING) Ram her. What? I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun.

You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family.

"Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP. HEy, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake?

now.

(UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean.

Maybe if I turn it in the other direction.

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh!

Now Give me the other half of the amulet! I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh. Don't, pleaSE! No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth! Oh, look at that.

Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take.

Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass. And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

All right, it's 4:59. In just a few seconds, all the unreturned library books will be officially late. The wieners was already drawed in the books when I got 'em.

Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool?

Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers... ...and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind ifl have a seat? I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it? I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with. Can I have some of your hair?

Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No!

You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.

And, you know, talking to you now, I just...

Good. And you better be responsible tonight. I don't want a repeat of the last time I left you alone with one of our children. (SOBBING) It's just so horrible. I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right.

WOMAN ON PA: Three minutes to minimum safe distance. Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can just up and run away, you crazy. I like to eat people from other planets. Especially y'all. I likes to eat you with my little mouth, too. Now, y'all get back up inside me, little mouth.

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H". Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! All in a day's work. Remember, If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone.

It's just something I was wondering if you and your husband would participate in. I'm totally dreaming right now. Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants. Well, Naomi, whatever it is, I'm sure we'd be happy to help. Oh, my God. I don't believe it! I'm gonna have a three-way! This even tops sex with a mermaid.

You see that? Go get it. Go get it.

(SOBBING) It's really bad this time. Wow, what a turnout. Oh, hey, there's Glenn. Hey, guys. Hey, this is my date, Consuela. No, no, no. Okay, we're here as friends, but I'm gonna change your mind one day.

A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy,

MEG? Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here? They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out. Ah! What the heck?

Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Not a lot of women. Yeah, not a lot of women.

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING)

Aah! Ugh. Taste that? That's the taste of beach justicE.

So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it. Oh, crap! Did I miss it?

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey there, Mort. Hi, Lois. Neil's doing a report on Christianity at school. Do you have any crucifixes I can borrow? Preferably one without the little fellow on it? Oh, of course. There's one in the den. Help yourself. God, I'm sick of Mort always borrowing our stuff.

Yes, Miss Takanawa. Now that you've been acquitted, what does the future hold for Mayor Adam West?

"Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. "Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end."

She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. What? Kick them around? Um, wait. Yes. Welcome, citizens. Today we commemorate those brave Quahog soldiers who perished in the recent Gulf conflict.

London in wartime. This is history right here, Brian. And look, there's Winston Churchill! Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit. Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

- Hi, Meg. - What's up?

Well then, giddy up.

My husband had filled out an organ donor card before he passed away, and a woman just lost her face in a freak accident. Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it, 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid, and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback. Jesus, that one was all over the place. I should have been quicker than that. I should've said, "Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend?" And then I'd go like this.

It is a razor That leaves Your soul to bleed (ALL SINGING) - When the night - When the night Has been too lonely Has been too lonely

That's penis repellent right there. Careful. She could be hiding behind any one of these statues. Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph. Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself?

NASA has made the alarming announcement that the newly discovered black hole at the edge of our solar system appears to be expanding. Neptune and Pluto have already been consumed, and scientists estimate that the event horizon will reach Earth by tomorrow. That's right, Tom. Which means that all life on Earth will be destroyed within 24 hours.

I got fired for being an illegal immigrant.

What the deuce? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Yahh! Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her!

Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus? Screw that. This was never about Christmas presents, Brian. Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole? Because I'm going to kill Santa Claus! (OMINOUS MUSIC)

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

Just when they're babies. Muriel? Muriel? Muriel! (SNIFFS) Nothing. You actually know what she smells like? I know what everybody smells like. - Carl? - Cheetos.

Good show, old chap. Well played.

The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney.

That was great fun. I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball. I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow. Dad! Wait! You forgot me again! You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Lois, how the hell much longer is your dad gonna be hanging around here? He's starting to drive me crazy. (SIGHS) I know, Peter, but he's my father and I don't know what else to do. Well, I don't know how much more I can take. I can't even get any sleep with him here.

when you pooped that out, was the timer still in there? And we're out of time. This has been The Lunch Hour. Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal. And remember, life is full of entrees, so don't fill up on bread. I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon.

Hey, sport! How'd you do? I got first place, Dad. Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High. Oh, Cool. Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Ahh! And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask. Oh, Peter! You look like you! I can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was. Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris. That's ok, Dad. Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson.

Peter, you better do your C.P.R.

Thanks. MAN ON RADIO: This is Sierra Tango 817, Matthew McConaughey's private jet, requesting permission to land. Matthew McConaughey? Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817. All our runways are filled. But it looks empty from up here. We're almost out of fuel. No, no. No room at all. But, lucky for you, there's a big, new airport out in the middle of the ocean. Keep going. You can't miss it.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey.

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp. (SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass!

and he tried to gay kiss me. I'm telling you, he wants to get with me. Peter, come on. Why would any man dress well, groom himself, and lift weights just to sleep with other men? He's not gay. Well, I don't care what you say. He likes me. And we do have chemistry, I won't deny that. I will take responsibility for my part in this.

Look, uh, Louis, the French people really want to thank you for your services as king. But it's just not working out and we've decided to go another way. So...

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait!

Oh, boy, this is going to be fun.

I--i--i... I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God. I need help! Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie. Nothing? W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah."

He's around.

(CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing? It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois. I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this.

Your brother's ok. That was just a little white lie me and Chris came up with to save a T.V. show. So he's not going to die? No. Boy, your face was priceless when you thought he was. You're a monster. Hey, Chris was in on the whole thing.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah! Excuse me, Your Honor?

Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?

He's dead. I forgot my purse.

Look, you know what? She's hot. Guilty, all right? I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of Pulp Fiction. No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended.

Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie? STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change.

(FARTS)

Damn it, Swanson. I want them found. Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads. Not the Griffins, you moron!

Including me. I'm a playwright. Brian, my God, take it down a notch. You're a playwright? In New York? Well, Quahog, Rhode Island. You're kidding. - We just went and saw a play in Quahog, Rhode Island. - Really? Have you ever heard of A Passing Fancy? I have! Oh, my God, what a load of rubbish.

Shut up. And then forgets four seconds later that he ate it. Shut up! Harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. (EXCLAIMS) Hey, Bri? Yeah?

Bye, you guys. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea.

He gave me DVDs. The production values were amazing, much better than Kramer vs. Predator.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers.

(SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey!

The place is packed. How are we gonna figure out who has your credit card? I got it, Brian. Smell my ass.

Oh, My God! You got fired?

I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh-oh. You want to get some breakfast or something? You want to find religion, all you got to do is look in your heart. Who's always been there for you, offering wisdom and truth?

Our therapist has advised us to date other people. Hey Lois, you want to go out? What? We-- I don't know, Glen. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time. eh. How about now? well, We are supposed to see other people. And I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert.

Why don't you do what the supermodels do? Stick your finger down your throat, and throw up till you're skinny. Chris, Don't listen to your sister. Sticking your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up.

the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey. - You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting.

We have no proof of anything. Is this the latest you've ever stayed up? It's the latest I've ever stayed up. Oh, no! Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe! She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object.

Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group. Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't--

(SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING)

Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down! Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first.

Is that the way your Mommy reads iT? I do not miss that ogresS. She can burn in hell for all I care! Sure she can. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "I've grown accustomed to her face "She almost makes the day begin

Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie.

and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.

I never said the word "stole." Looks like someone has a guilty conscience. Guilty conscience! Ha! I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable. Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!

um, i--I'm not sure what it goes to but, uh, i--I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to, and--and then it'll... Wait a minute. Actually, Could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever.

She said she'd give us 20% off. All units, all units. PETER: We have a disturbance at the Fuzzy Clam. This is Officer Swanson. What's the problem? Well, one of the dancers was dancing with a guy and saying, "You're my favorite, you're my favorite," but now she's dancing with another guy. That's not a crime. Well, shouldn't it be?

I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm.

And this isn't coming from me, this is management. This is about me, isn't it?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Punky... Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon.

(TAIL WAGGING) (THUMPING) What's that thumping noise? It's your tail. Stop wagging your tail. (WHISPERS) I can't help it. Do something. (GROANS)

And isn't it possible that the amazing men and women of medicine who brought about these miracles could be the instruments of God's answers to our prayers? It's good so far, Lois. Try to work a few laughs in there if you can. Look, I believe life is sacred. And I know you want Scotty to live a full life. (LAUGHS) And if that's true,

Someone to do for Muddle through for You ha ve James Woods Someone to share ioy Or despair with Whichever hetides you Life becomes a chore

They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though.

Obtuse. You're being obtuse. Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse? No, now you're being acute.

It was difficult for Twink to play with other children.

Yes. What? All right, Peter, I don't know what this is about, but you're my best friend and I'd like to think that you'd do the same for me. Wait a minute. So you guys can't have a baby? Unfortunately, no.

All right, first scene up is on page 12. Everybody, this is our new Jolly Farm resident, Karina Smirnoff. She'll be playing the role of Mary. Hello. Hi, I'm Julie. Hello, I'm Stewie... I'm Karina.

Yeah, has he gotten any better? I'm afraid not. He's still only speaking gibberish. Yeah, and we could live without the semen throwing, I'll tell you that.

What the hell is going on here?

No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise. PETER: Hang on! Okay!

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued? All right. Fantastic then.

That doesn't even make any sense!

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Because you're the toughest woman I've ever met. And if there was a hall of fame for hearts, yours would be the biggest one in the whole damn building! QUAGMIRE: Peter, you're in the wrong corner! Ah. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. (BELL DINGS) Damn it! (CROWD BOOING) Shut up!

uh, I'm not sure which one to cut here, the red one or the b-blue one. Ok, Ok. Just relax. Just relax. Let's see. Uh, uh, First, why don't you attach that green one to that purple one? Ok, here goes. Oh, God! That kill me? I was afraid of that. all right, Try the green one and the blue one.

MAN ON TV: And now back to G.I. Jose.

Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts.

Everyone, I have something to say. I've given this long and careful thought, and I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them. - You what? - That's right, and I want your blessing, Peter. You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get. You can't have their baby! Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant. Mom, I can't find my jacket.

I ain't done nothing to antagonize nobody. What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more? I got rights, too. Who's there? (SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

We were gonna use this time to figure out what to get you for your birthday. Ooh, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go. You... Ooh. Now I'm excited. Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together.

(GARGLING)

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off.

and flabby buttocks makes me want to vomit. Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother. Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds.

On your marks. Get set. White guys, go!

A no-rules funny car race from here to Boston. Last one to Fenway gets snipped. Peter, what the hell? Where did these things come from? They were Loretta's. Please take them, they are no longer funny to me. Go! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIGHS)

magazine

Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie. Ah, I love you so much. I love you, too, honey. Ahh! - What's wrong? - Ahh! Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!

That's our industrial-sized air conditioner. When I walk into Superstore USA, I get the sensation that I'm standing on a mountain top with the wind blowing through my hair! My God, look at this wonderland of treasures. What would a guy like me have to do to be part of this magical world?

Yes, sir. How was your shower? I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true.

- Chris is friends with a Nazi! - What? At first I wasn't sure it was him, but I got a closer look, and now there's no question in my mind. Franz Gutentag is really Lieutenant Franz Schlechtnacht, the most sadistic SS guard in the Dachau concentration camp.

Holy moly! It must be my birthday! ooh! th-thank you.

Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again. Not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesman. Wait a second, Rosie, I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in 5 seconds? - What is this? - 4 seconds. - Is thaT-- - 3 seconds. - It smells like-- - Clean my pee!

So, How long are you and your family in town? Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah. No conversation. You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again!

I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye!

Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar. 'Cause, uh, The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers.

Learn to live with it, Bonnie! There are tracks! People make tracks!

I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins.

(SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry. - There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry.

First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face, which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win! Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face! In my face! In my face! Ah! No! Acid girl!

I'll blend in like an Australian in a Jewish bakery. Honey, would you look at all these kikes. Okay, before we get started,

Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson.

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) Lois, you should just let those wounds get infected. It'll teach him a lesson about being tough. Peter, he's just a baby. You got to let this go. My baby boy got beat up by a girl. What was weird was that she was crying, but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying,

Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin',

Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats. Hey--Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather,

My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do? - Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone. - What? R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him. Oh, what the phantom menace is that guy's problem?

You're lying to yourself.

With the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus. Using the lake as a base. (ALL MURMURING) ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...

All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.

I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.

All right, Quagmire, clear your mind... Ooh. Soft hands. Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, hi, Bonnie. What's up?

Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas.

Oh, Bonnie, I'm so happy for you! DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What? Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart?

Peter, are you actually reading that Christian Science book? Yeah, you know, I figured I'd give it a shot. I mean, wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something,

Here's Little Richard with Piano Riff Woo.

Why don't you put the baby up for adoption? Well, what do we do until then? I mean, we can't afford nine months of medical bills. Well, you could have an abortion. There you go, Lois! We abort it. Send it on up to Dale and Naomi. Hell, they're probably waiting for it anyway. If they left their mittens here, you wouldn't keep them. You'd send them back. Abort the thing. (SIGHING) I don't know, Peter.

Good mustache question. We have a new product in our mustache catalog that makes a great stocking stuffer. We call it the Must-Stash. The slogan is, "You must stash "your Must-Stash in the mustache." That'll be all for today. Good mustache. ALL: Good mustache.

Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict! Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.

And I don't think you've got the grapes!

Ah, this will be relaxing. Hello again, Peter, and this is gonna be great. We can talk sports and we can play with your tub toys. Yeah, listen, Bob, this is-- this is kind of my time. Ah, a miniature boat. And if I'm not mistaken, it's a replica of the Gretel II, which lost the America's Cup to Intrepid in 1973.

duh! Ahh!

I need more lemon Pledge.

Well, it's kind of a long story. You see... Eight fucking hours later... Oh, my God! So, as far as Peter knows, he's about to cheat on you?

(THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless. Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you. You're my sister. I know.

(GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest?

Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you. Let us "Eh." "Eh." Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this. Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.

I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh!

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, guys. I want you to know I'm raising my reward to $50 for anyone who can help me find James. No questions asked. I killed your cat.

Ow! Ha! Ha! You drink! It's the cops! Run! Hold it, you two. Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally? Uh, uh... Lois, look over there! Run!

(CROWD CHEERING) Schpupel!

Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad.

(HUMMING ODE TO JOY TONELESSLY) They're gonna love that! Well, I've still gotta do a little work on it. - What's it called? - Susie. Wow. A song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already. Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,

Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing. What the hell you talking about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what'd come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it. (LAUGHS)

My son happens to be very sensitive about his extra nipples. See, look. They're coming right off. Nipples shouldn't just come off like that. Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television!

All right, stand back. This could be dangerous. Oh, laundry room. Laundry room, everybody! Oh, see, here we go.

Have you seen Ben?

(SCREAMING) You know, Brian, just because you're writing a profile on teenage girls, it doesn't mean you have to be a creepy stalker and follow Meg around all day. It's called research, Stewie. I'm just being thorough. Where the hell is she going?

Hi. This is David Leisure. You probably remember me as the neighbor from T.V.'s Empty Nest. No? W-well, How about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu? The--The guy who lied? Oh, Come on! Those were really popular!

Good night, everybody!

Yeah, it looks like it's just a ding. There's no reason to involve the insurance companies. I should still take down your information. Really? 'Cause You could probably just buff that out. Yeah, but I... I would really feel better if I got your information. Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong. Maybe you really don't care about this family.

Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

Oh, Hello, Alexis. Heard you might not enter the competition this year. Smart move. Yes. Well, There are more important things in life than a piano competition. Oh, Yes. Especially for those who have no-- Ooh, That's cold! Chance. For your information, I have a student that could whip you.

You remember that short-lived sitcom, Fish? They should've put that on before CHiPs. The marketing practically writes itself.

The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time.

Car! Car! Car!

You smoke?

Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw! Daddy, what are you doing? Look at the unicycle. Well, she's got $10 in here. And it cost me $900 for the 6 weeks of unicycle lessons. So we're a little in the red right now. But you got to spend money to make money, champ. Moving on.

Huh! I'm kind of good at this. (GROANS) Later, dink! (GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING)

Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail,

Ooh! What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I... Oh, Wait a minute. Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

I'm bored. Peter, you made me crash the damn plane! Okay, I know you're a pilot and everything, but not everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you, Quagmire. Well, we're out of cell phone range and the radio's shot. This is not good. No one knows we're out here, and we've got no food or water.

(LAUGHING)

Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake. Sho' 'nough, I thought I'd go deef and dumb when I saw me that dead body. Cleve, calm down. You're not making any sense. Every day it's a-getting closer... DREYFUSS: Anything was possible as we set out that day,

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck.

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh!

Did you know that beavers affect their ecosystem more than any other animal? Except man. (LAUGHS) He was in our house earlier. Now, remember, Peter, we're going to be right here in the van if anything goes wrong. Just try to get O.J. talking about the murders.

So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns? Just tell me, Doctor. Is there anything you can do to remove this gene? Well, Mrs. Griffin, it doesn't really work that way. We just have to wait for the effects to wear off. Well, how long will that take?

So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

(SIGHS) Let's see. Who's in this thing? Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody. Victor Garber? That's pretty good. How did he get Victor... Oh, of course. Tonight it's Randall Evan Battincourt. God, I hate understudies. King Louis XVI has been sentenced to death by guillotine.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING) I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day. Oh! British guys always capture my butterflies. Yes, and to add insult to injury, I shall present to you my fanny. Sir Chadwell Heath.

I'm a little worried that you're gonna have me put down. I know there's been some concern about my sphincter's low shutter speed. No, no, we're just going to the park, Todd. Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy the ride, then. Around the park one more time, Bitterman. Peter, I'm not your chauffeur. Not for long with that attitude, Bitterman.

That's really funny. Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.

Okay, sell wheel just like practice. Not sure can do it. You so money. Don't know it. Hi, me Peter. Tired walking everyplace? Need something make you go? Peter wheel make you go. Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING)

- Whoops. - I'm sorry. I don't think you want this book. It's all about atheism. Oh, I know. I'm an atheist. Really? So am I. It's all yours. I feel bad taking the last copy.

Please, Doctor, you've got to help him. You took an oath when you went to medical school. I took a lot of things when I went to medical school. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this. Hello? Ah, Hartman. (RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell!

(GASPING) What the hell is your problem? Me? What did I do? You're the one going all Michael Hutchence over here. You just stay away from me, you psychopath. Hey. Ow! Look, I don't know what's going on here, but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe.

(EXCLAIMING) (SPEAKS SPANISH) STEWIE: Yes. Could you please put Brian back on? No. No. Doggy afuera. You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Listen, I don't want to point fingers, but I'm missing about $1,000 in play money. I take. What? You took it? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back! Come get, bitch.

I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What?

Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working. Great. You can teach me how to drive. Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead. There's a big world out there just waiting for us to grab it by the short hairs! Damn! Let's go.

What are we gonna do now? We gotta come up with an escape plan. Hey, guys, I can see the plane that brought us here! If we can figure out a way to get to it, I can fly us home! I got an idea. One of us should pretend we're hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump them. That's perfect, Joe.

Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus. Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there.

R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him.

Oh, cool! They got Car Chase GPS. (BEEPS) - AUTOMATED WOMAN'S VOICE: Back up dangerously into traffic.

Oh, my God! Mom, look. They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall. Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine. That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend... Darren Mitchelstork.

is exactly what you've turned my show into. I think my work will speak for itselF. Oh, ha, ha! I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois. Ok, let's run this scene again.

Lois, am I glad to see you. I have nothing to say to you, Peter. I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way.

I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you. What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual. And that's how I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting.

Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead. Zombie! Glenn, I thought I'd lost you. Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him.

- Are you bald? - Yeah. Can I help you? Well, I hope you can, Sharon. I'd just like to return this VHS copy of Pete's Dragon. Watched, enjoyed and rewound. Uh, there are a lot of people waiting. Is there anything else?

Warning. Host's oxygen levels rising. Heart rate increasing. Oh, my God! Either they're watching Batman or they're doing the do! Hmm.

which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show.

Uh, I'd like to apologize for yesterday,

Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere

If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?

I stole $10 from Meg's room! I stole $10 from Mom's purse! I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years.

(LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys? They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING)

Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only gonna go up. Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it... (CHOKING) I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)

Lois. Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think.

Most of the surviving American pilots were taken to POW camps, but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau. Behind the walls of the prison camp, there was one guard who decided everyone's fate.

I don't like you reading smut at the table. Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois. "He rubbed her shoulder sensually." What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder. Why don't you and that book get a room? Did you hear what I said, Brian? I said, I said, "Why don't you and that..." "That book get a room." Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure you heard.

It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail for the new colony of Rhode Island. You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First thing, first thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna have me a snack. N-n-n-No! Shower!

All right, Stu, now, if we can just... - No. - What? You know what you did. Hey, wait a minute. If this is an imposter,

Oh, my God, it's Ben Fishman. - Is he... - Yep. He's dead. Oh, great. Not only are we caught in this blizzard,

My God, he's really dead. - This is it. - Yeah.

Oh, Is Europe an option? I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English. You know, Slacking off a bit, but really getting to know myself. Well, Until we catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the deep South. Deep South? Is-Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy,

Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one. Brian, what happened? I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, I'm the most hated person in town. I tried to rent a movie and they threw me out. I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out.

Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

Meg. Meg, I promise, I'll do better at this job than I did on the SATs. Come on, do math.

No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck. Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face! That's just the face I make when I'm thinking. And you're always pointing at me. I was trying to start a conversation. And you do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency.

You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks. so, Peter, Where shall we go for your week off? Well, I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year. This isn't bad.

Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house! Excuse me. We were about to use that. You snooze, you lose, lady. You have 2 choices.

Rita, I love you. I love you, too, Brian. I think you're the most wonderful woman I've ever met. Will you marry me? What did you just say? Come on. You're only 50. You heard me. Will you marry me? Oh, Brian. Yes! Yes, Brian, I'll marry you!

(MUSICIANS TUNING INSTRUMENTS) (GASPING)

Honey, have you seen Stewie? I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner. I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life!

Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Oh, it was amazing. I got to tell you, he said some things that were exactly what I needed to hear, and I was just inspired to get up on that stage. Got to live life for today, you know? Brian, don't you think it's a little too early to be hitting the booze? Hey, what's the point of waiting? You got to live life while you can and live it hard. The Chris Farley method, that's good. Frank invited me back this evening.

Elijah? Hi, everyone. Hey, Elijah. So should I just jump into this? Whenever you're ready. Okay, I'll read you in, Elijah. Now, this is the scene where Byron's professor fails him for missing the chemistry midterm to take his daughter to the doctor. "I'm sorry, Byron, missing the midterm is an automatic failure."

(FARTING) Go ahead, mock me.

(GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING)

No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Weaf World/Road Rules Challenge. You hate MTV. Pot helps. Look, you know, I don't have to justify anything to you, all right?

Is this the Griffin household? Yes. There was a fire at Quahog Liquor last night. No people were killed, but the burned body of a dog was found inside. The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

Wow, okay, this is ridiculous.

Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore. Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes.

- Still got the worms, eh? - Yeah, that stupid medicine's $300. Well, let me make you a proposal. I'll front you the money, and you pay it off by working for me.

And it's good for you. Nah! My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead. Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors. Plus, when's the next time you're gonna get to give a bride away? I know. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

Looking good. Almost done. And there. Done. (WOMEN GASP) What have you done? I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

Cut it out. Stop it! I deserve to relax, too.

Hey there, Peter! How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? Sure! Okay, then let's... Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet.

Well, gentlemen, now that you have smelled all of our colognes, what'll it be? I will take some Drakkar Noir. (BEEPS) How about you? I am disgusting, so I will take two bottle Drakkar Noir.

Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you! God, she's a pain in the ass!

Kids, I'm sorry to say this, but I think the two of you need to be punished. Look, it was an accident, okay? I mean, you can always buy another one, right? Buy another one? You know, I don't think you kids appreciate how hard your father and I work to provide you with everything we do.

This evening is ru-ined. Look... Wait, what? This evening is ru-ined. The whole evening is ru-ined. - Why are you saying it like that? - Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's ru-ined. You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this. Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening.

Giggity. God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance.

Hey, princess. I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know? (SNIFFLING) Oh, God, you hear that?

Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

Help! Help! Somebody, help me!

Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.

Boy, imagine what it would be like to be a big shot.

Well, excuse me for being retarded. My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...!

You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter! Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there. You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

is violence in movies and sex on T.V.

LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah. LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah. LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth. Oh, my God, that's so disturbing. I know, gross. Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff.

This is Trisha Takanawa, here with School Board President Peter Griffin. Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks.

Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table. How are you coming, Johnson?

Tell it to Mike Judge.

Thank you, Quagmire.

Mom! Nipples! Nipples! That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall! Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place. Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit! Hmm. Look, This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

We're going to add... Peter! Ahh!

There's a line in there from Seinfeld! I never saw that episode! I have a voice. Do you understand that? A writer needs a voice, and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well. Shut up!

Oh, Hey there, young fella. Bringing me good news today?

Tracy? Tracy Flannigan?

Look into your heart You will find There's nothing there to hide Take me as I am

Oh, You'll know when I'm nervous. Lois? Now. Lois, take the rap for this. I only get one chance to make a first impression. Hi, Daddy. That was me. And this is Peter. Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What are you feeding this gal, huh? Peter Griffin.

It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight. Is that a thing? It's a great thing.

CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this! Hey, anytime you can celebrate the end of someone's periods. Everyone, everyone, I have something to say. "To my dearest Lois on her birthday.

Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Stewie, look! A butterfly.

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way

Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on. This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here. A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston. Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey. Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins.

Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize.

Drago! You know the exam's in three hours? Ah, crap! All we've done is work out. - We should study. - Right. Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt." Come on, Brian. I gotta get to softball practice. Practice? I thought we'd go next door and welcome our new neighbors.

What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off during the verdict. Goose!

Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too? Sure. The more the merrier.

(ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws.

You have to bring your friends out here with you to do your dirty work? What... (STAMMERING) What do you mean, Jeff? You're gonna kill me, is that it? JEFF: Uh-uh! Not unless you want your friend's brains all over the place! Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay?

Peter.

Who's my big brave boy? Me.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off. (DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks

World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work...

Hey! They're getting away! Release the dogs. (DOGS BARKING)

Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd-- Well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? That one wasn't very good. Peter, They were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself,

(STUTTERS) What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing?

Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief. Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you. Newport, Rhode island home of New England's most elegant and historic estates the Breakers, Rosecliff, and exquisite Cherrywood Manor the palatial mansion of Marguerite Pewterschmidt.

Hey, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together. Hey, You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you got "fine" written all over you. Hey there. I don't wanna come between you. Or do I? Oh, that's awful. That's awful.

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come!

I ad-libbed that line. Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor. Should we go upstairs? Sounds good to me.

quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick. We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers.

All right, ladies, enough chitchat. Take it off, get in the shower and bounce around for me.

Wow, Jimmy. That was everything Ladies Home Journal said it would be. Awesome, great, thanks. You know, there's something I.... There's something I gotta tell you. Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York...

I don't think they are playing for the same team.

But it wasn't a rock it was a rock lobster

One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here.

We need your help again. And, not to get too personal, but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan. (FAST-FORWARDING) And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so... This is just, like, logistical stuff. I'll check that later.

It was raining, and Mom and Dad fought the whole time. You taught me how to hunt squirrels with poisoned cheese, and then you took me to the hospital when the squirrels tricked me into eating the cheese. Chris, you kept this photo all these years? Yeah, it's gotten me through a lot of tough times. Like when Felicity cut her hair. What?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) In god's eyes, everybody's hot This world has beauty all through her

Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here.

All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this. Don't worry, Peter. I'll only work out during my downtime.

Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die. (SCREAMS) (MEN GROANING)

Peter, what the hell are you doing? That's Long John Peter to you, porthole. (ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties!

Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone. Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where?

So, Were you, like, in an accident, or what? No. Me father was a tree. What's wrong with me? I got to be crazy to think I can kill that man-eating fish. I mean, what the hell am I doing? Hey, hey, hey, Come on, Peter. What kind of talk is that? Yeah, you can do it.

but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again. I won't, I swear! (SOBBING) Stewie, calm down. Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on The Price is Right.

What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence.

Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am.

We are so, so sorry for your loss. Is this a joke? I wish it were, Joan. I wish it were a joke. But these things happen, you know? You go for a walk in the park one day, and wheelchair ninjas, and Nazis, and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill you, and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains. You've seen the news.

I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde!

Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell.

Oh, my God! What do you think, boys? I'm walking on sunshine Whoa-oh

Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. (THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING) Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail.

'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham.

No. I think I'm just gonna go home. All right. You okay to drive? Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll crank the heat, roll up the windows and blast the Lullaby Channel. I'll be fine. All right, take it easy.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Peter! Ho-ho! You pat my back, I pat yours, and Pat Robertson pats Mr. Happy. (EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters.

What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears? It means you're becoming a man. But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call, like your father who shall remain namelesS. Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates.

Quiet, everybody, this is it. The McBurgertown franchise suffered a publicity setback today from which it may not recover, thanks to testimony regarding its practices by a very brave cow.

Yeah, he was Asian-American. Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean. Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast.

(BELL RINGING) Hi, Jillian. Hi, Brian, ready to go? Hey, baby. Hi, Stewie. What the hell are you doing? Not much, really. Just me and my pubes hanging out. Oh, dear God.

- Yeah, it's done. - Get out of here! Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, man! Oh, man! I just got your messages. And I--I... Oh, I'm sorry. George, it's been over for a while. Really? Yeah. It's 1981. It's... Oh, oh, wow! Oh, so I'm way late. Oh, boy! Yeah. Well, you want to do something else? I got some blow. Son of a bitch! It took you this long to tell me? Break it out, man!

Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night,

I should be going. No, how about you stay here and I leave and never come back again? Stewie, this isn't how I wanted it to end. But you did want it to end. You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine. (SNIFFING) Is that smoke?

I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.

I was in first grade. You took me out with you on one of your shifts. I just think it's presumptuous. I mean, come on, "The country's best yogurt"? You know, prove it. Show me your data. MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

Good old-fashioned, all-American fun. Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while.

(CLANGING) - What the deuce? What's that noise? I don't know. Oh, my God! Brian, look!

And the award for most mediocre children's book goes to The Adventures of Haskell: The Mystery Horse. Here to accept is Haskell. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you. Where am I gonna go next, what interesting adventure? You don't know. I'll have my award now.

Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming. (LAUGHING) "We don't... We don't even know why she's coming." You are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second. Huh? (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Naomi. Did you pick up those tear-away panties like I texted you?

(LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!

God, I feel so bad for Lois. She really misses Peter. I just wish there was something we could do. Well, there is, Brian. I looked into it. Straight Camp. Straight Camp? Yeah. It's where gays go to get cured. This is dated last year. I just... I just had it lying around.

Time to initiate Phase 2. All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies.

Stewie! This is insanity! Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country! Come on, kids. This is treason! Oh, For God's sake, Peter, make an example of her!

And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche.

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21

She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving. Look, Monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right? And there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about that. Peter, you're acting bananas. (LAUGHING) All right, I'll listen. You're both good guys. And that's why it's important for you to reconcile your differences.

Oh, they're awful, those Nazis. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples. What? Juden! Rubben wir Schmutzen auf deine Arschneck.

Okay. All right, take it easy. I am tired of playing games, Griffin. I mean, let's go. I have waited long enough. I'm having sex with you right now. No! I don't wanna! Griffin! You have sex with me or you're fired.

Get off my plane!

Well, well, I think we've found our killer.

"I wish I could escape to a place "where this movie couldn't find me," and then... What the hell are we waiting for? These monitors are for watching the house. See, there's Stewie's room, Chris' room, Meg's room... Peter, there's no phone in here. How are we gonna call the police? Oh, my God. We're all gonna die! That's not true.

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! We did it! Oh, what's this? What's this? It says right here we won! We won, you dicks! You suck!

KHAN: Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive. Buried alive.

Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions!

"O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?

I love it!

Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't. No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you. You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it. $900 to fix the car. That was all the money we had for this trip. Look, Peter, this second honeymoon was a nice thought but maybe we should just go home.

Oh, wait. I can do this part. So, yeah. Thanks.

(SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS)

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!

All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad? Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years. Stewie's having fun. Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me. Hey, who wants a Fenway frank?

MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh! Kent told me he's gay, and even worse, he likes Chris! Oh, wow, I'm really sorry to hear that, Meg. I don't get it. I've been going to high school with him for three years, and I always assumed he was straight. Well, high school's a tough time, Meg. Maybe he thought he was straight, but then realized he's gay.

You're under arrest. No, you're under arrest. (BOTH GIGGLING)

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?

(SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

What the hell is going on here? Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy.

Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery. What the hell? Where's my wallet? Crap, I must've dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert.

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that?

Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS)

and I'll be on my way. (CLATTERS) Well, we're all set. Thanks for your time. No, thank you, pal. And hey, you've been working hard. Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

I know I didn't. You didn't? No. If I had, do you think I would have slept with your white great-great- great-great granny? No, I guess not. That's right, and I wouldn't have slept with her fine sister neither. You see, Peter, the most important thing is how a man acts. You know what I'm getting at?

Aw, Jeez! You ok?

Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you! I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly. Lois, I need your help.

But they decided it was best not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives. I'm so proud of you. Oh, Daddy, thank you so much. I was the most popular girl at the dance. Aw, Anything for you, sweetheart. Well, I'm off to popularity! Ciao. God, I hate that manly walk of hers.

(BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, and there's more where that came from. (STRAINING) (SIGHS) No, there isn't.

Geez, what's your problem, Peter? I'm sorry, Quagmire. I'm still just upset about the damn government sticking its nose in my business. I hear you. Wasting our tax dollars on ridiculous causes. We gotta protect bald eagles? Bald eagles should be allowed to make their own decisions! Honey, I don't care that you're bald. I find you just as attractive.

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

No, actually you can't.

Geez, how long we got to stand out here like this? Till Briggs comes through. You know, I was thinking about that, Joe. If Briggs is driving here, that's 2,000 miles. It's going to be at least a couple of days. Huh. I guess you're right. Well, what are we going to do for two days in El Paso?

Hey, slow down! Drive like hell, you'll get there! Quagmire, what the hell are you doing? I'm just letting all these hot-rodders know that this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track. Too fast, too fast! Our children should not have to live in fear!

It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING) She's gone! We lost her. Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose,

I hereby declare this Stabby Eye Day! (SCREAMS) Oh, Adam, I'm so sorry! Carol, I love you and I can't live without you. Please, never let this happen again.

I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of...intercourse

- Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING)

Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look.

(ALARM RINGING) A-ha! Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay. Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous.

Okay, listen to me. Tell Stewie it's awful, it's garbage. Do whatever you have to do, Brian, but never let him know he's got talent. Yeah, you're right. It won't be so hard. After all, I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter.

Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn. Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No. Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off.

Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar.

Don't be so bold with your dark hair and your proud ways. I can't feel a thing. Hey, what are those guys doing? Those are the McMurphy brothers. They've been circling that same spot for 50 years, just daring each other to throw the first punch. Just you try it. Oh, I'll try it. Just you try it. You'll feel it when I try it.

Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country. It's like loving God or a step-parent. You never really feel them love you back, but that's okay because they got other stuff going on, and you understand. Peter, you do realize there's a difference between loving America and being swept up in post-9/11 paranoia.

Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! (DOOR SLAMMING) (RITA CRYING)

I thought you'd see it that way. Here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me. Shouldn't have taken that money, Chris. She's right. I'm a horrible person. I'm only one step above those people who really like dive bars and really need you to know it. I love this place. I love dive bars. Dive bars are my favorite. They're so much better than regular bars because worse is better.

(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

I'm not going any lower. Well, Father, you gave it a good go. Oh, we're not done yet. Come on! (TIRES SCREECH) Queen! Queen! Give me some of your hair! Come on, Queen! Don't be a bitch! Get us away from that lunatic!

I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today. Why would you trip me deliberately? I'm sorry. Dinner's going great. You know, I can probably help you with that elbow. Does that feel better? Yeah! It feels a lot better. Wow! You're the best man ever!

Wait here, I'm gonna get directions to the nearest park, so we can give my mother a proper burial. Come on, darling. Stiff upper lip. I'm writing that one down.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too. How long is this gonna last? No idea.

no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

Hey, I like your tie. Thanks. (MAN READING IN SING-SONG) Come on, Chris, he'll do all the work. I said no, Meg.

Ok, truth or dare? Who here has gone all the way? Hmm? You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing.

I already know what I was. A strawberry. (SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

This is your god? A woman? Well, she's the founder of our faith. Oh, really? So with this book from the 1800s,

Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road? Fine by me. Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway. They had one on last night where the girl had a butt-face, but her breasts was immaculate.

My name's not Gabe! (SCREAMING) You're in big trouble, you little crap! You shouldn't have done that, little fellow.

Hey! How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Oh, Screw it. I tried.

(GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING)

Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news. No, Brian. The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment. I like her. Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) And this is April's Child of the Month, eight-year-old Angus Reed. Angus was born with cerebral palsy.

forget about me

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

Wow. Thanks, Rush. It was nothing. I mean, you'd have done the same thing for me.

You idiot. Ghosts don't exist. Wait a second, they might.

Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor." What? What are they honoring you for? Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend. And it's free. Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say.

Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS. Engine status? Nominal. Fuel supply? Full. Air Supply? Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums, Look out testicles, here I come!

Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead. Hi. Hi. Are you mad at that pond? Shoot, no! Of course, this pond did kill my grandpappy. He saw his reflection in the water, thought it was him,

Come on down nice and easy. That's a good kitty. What the hell was that? Uh, Something near a window. Preferably a booth. Ugh! Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen! Yeah, that's authentic ItalIAN.

And--And a half. Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid. I got a daughter of my own, you know.

I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

(GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy! One good one for every 10. Ho-ho!

You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m. Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING)

I just have a-- God, I'm so sorry. I keep doing that. God, please forgive me.

How many times have I done this before? All right, but be careful.

What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet. The Emmys are on tonight. Oh, God. Don't tell me you forgot about Meg's play tonight. But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing.

Merry Christmas, everybody. As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce, I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree.

Ah, Let's see. Latitude 42, longitude 71. This is it. What the hell? Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah?

Who is that angel? That's Susie Swanson. You don't say. What, like, you think you have a shot with her? Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan,

Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

- Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say?

You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian? Hi, I'm Greg Louganis. I'm totally shaven.

Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax"

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about.

Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me!

(INAUDIBLE)

(ALAN LAUGHS) Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude. Nice to meet you all. (CHUCKLES) You sound like the crab from Little Mermaid. I had crabs once. It's awful. You got to buy that cream that comes with a little comb. Of course I can still use the comb. Well, that's Quagmire.

Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine.

He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace.

Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one!

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt.

(JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett. Very well, Solo, if you won't talk,

he may very well be talking about himself. No, Glenn, that's not... Gloria, please. You wanna hear my interpretation, or are you simply gonna tell me that I'm wrong? I'm simply pointing out... Yes, we know. You're very well-read. But this is poetry we're talking about, and I think when it comes to poetry, you can't be wrong. What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt.

That's some kind of living hell, Brian. Okay, I got to go. You have a good time with Jenny. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Looks like she finally found someone after dating that last loser. She dated someone after me? No. See how I set up my own joke? You walked right into it, Brian! Walk right in Sit right down Stewie's gonna make you the fool Peter, here's your invite. Chris, Meg, Stewie and me.

Or maybe 25, when you can legally rent a car.

Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right. I'll go have a talk with him. Hey, buddy, where are all your pals?

I'll come out when they're all gone. Wow, Brian, you actually got to sing with Frank Sinatra Jr.?

You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.

JEEz. A week at a women's retreat.

except how much I love the Michael Jackson Thriller video. Boy, could that guy dance. Guy dance? Guidance! Source programmable guidance! We can reprogram and disarm the missile from here. From here? Well, our arms would have to be 40-feet long, Dan. No, yutz, not from right here. We go over there and do it. Oh, right. Oh, come on, Chevy.

Well, I am gonna change. You hear me, Meg? If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

(CHUCKLES) That's the way it goes around here. Once you come in, you're never allowed to leave. I got my sentence extended 30 days once. That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do. If we're gonna be here a while,

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland.

And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. - Really? 64? - Yes. Now I thought she was dead. Nope. She's alive. Fantastic! And now this. Are you an area high-school student interested in the glamorous world of unpaid internships? If so, We'd like to invite you to try out for Channel 5's Young Anchor Program.

(GROANS) An entire week and still no teeth. And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony. Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that? That's Jillian. She's...

Well, I'm off to work at the brewery. Okay, have a good day, honey. You know, Brian, you and I should do... No.

the first thing they do is round up the Jews. Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

MAN 2: Why are they mumbling? Why does everyone in pictures today mumble? I can't hear! MAN 3: Is that Sig-nory Weaver? WOMAN: That's not how you say it. MAN 3: Well, she shouldn't be smoking. She's a handsome woman, and that'll ruin her fast. MAN 4: Is Unobtainium very easy to obtain? Well, I hope you enjoyed the tour.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two Dear little buttercup Sweet little buttercup

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it! What the deuce are you all staring at? Is there something wrong with me?

What the...

If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.

Wonderful. I'll cook something that's not too binding. She's not that old. Old is Malcolm in the Middle in Season 15. Malcolm, Dad drove the car over your science project. Oh, brother. How am I gonna survive junior high school with this screwed-up family? And me, in the middle of it all.

Peter, the reason Brian succeeded in his cause is that he spoke with such passion. No offense, but you two just don't have that talent. Are you kidding? I can be very persuasive. That's how I used to lure wayward sailors to their deaths with my siren song.

Some of these chicks are unbelievable. Brian, can I ask you something?

I don't... I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. No! It won't be the same!

Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife.

Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry. (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? (GROANS) I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man.

Okay, you... You can read the next one. (LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you. Okay, okay, okay. - Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.

I don't know, Lois. Some of those cats go on to get pretty good jobs. (MEOWS) Yep. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know.

and a little more shut the hell up?

Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops.

Stewie, honey, want to play rocket ship? What the deuce? Blast off! Go on, Stewie. Get the note for Mommy. How dare you use me for your own personal selfish... Hmm. Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD.

Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands,

Aw, Jeez. At least that's one problem solved. Come on, Peter. The don is waiting to meet you. W-what kind of A Guy-- W-What's he like? Is he a friendly don? You know, Like that Don Deluise?

Y-y-You're gonna have a tough time finding a... Oh, Hold on. Ya! Ya!

Uh-oh. This is not good. We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

Tom goes to prison, nice and easy.

If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd be dead right now.

Da-doo I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago. Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face. Had to poo Sha-doop-a-doop-a-doo And he stepped into that box there and suddenly there was a big flash of light.

My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie.

What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it.

I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me

(BRIAN CRYING) What the hell is this?

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home!

Watch out below, right? Look like Hacky Sacks. You'll be sorry if you kick 'em, though. (INHALES) All righty, well he seems to be all done now.

And I want to see what I got.

But you know what I mean, they're all over the place. How about me, Tucker, am I all right? Well, of course you're all right. (GASPING) Imagine that. What happened to me? I've become my father. Not guilty.

it's time for my one-man show, Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye. Ok, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh. "Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like a crumpet? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like to wear knickers?

God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it. Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it.

Yeah, okay, Lois. Are you listening? Yeah. What did I just say? Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15. I heard it! All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did.

Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.! I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows. I don't know. I thought you wanted to do a good show? If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent? I guess we can try that-- Action!

Well, I mean, it's not really for them. It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude. I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself.

Ho, ho, ho.

And I'm here to talk to you about rape. Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you. I'm not gonna rape you. I might.

All right, Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing. Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair. I need it to move. Okay, yeah, but your character can walk. Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.

Did the Ewoks braid your hair? Yeah. So, they use spears with wooden shafts and stone-carved tips, yet they clearly understand the finer points of cosmetology? I know, it's not as good as Empire.

You're the best!

(LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct.

- But it can't. - Why not? Well, the only explanation is we've somehow been transported outside the space-time continuum. (STAMMERING) I don't understand. Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe.

Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High. Oh, Cool. Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey!

Hey. Here you go, Mr. President. Mr. President. Oh, Peter, that tickles me in a way, that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say, "Oh, yeah. That's nice. "That's the spot."

Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights,

Yes, indeed. So, how long have you been a prostitute? No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt. Chris, we have company. So, you ever been with a woman? No. Peter! What? There. Are you happy, Doug?

Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies!

Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work... I have spoken!

That girl over there, that's Chris' girlfriend!

'cause those are already printed. You know what? Send one to my parents, too. I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it?

Ok? Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam. I was awake last night, Miles.

(ALL LAUGHING) There he is! Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff. (ALL LAUGHING) Seriously, stop it! Okay, did everyone else feel that?

What, that's it? We lose?

Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry.

Excuse me, how much is this coat? It's 4,300. Oh. Do you think you can give me a little mayoral discount? Well, I think you're doing a great job, Mrs. Griffin, but my boss would kill me. How's everything going out here? Fine, Mr. Voorhees. Good. 'Cause if you screw up, I'll kill you. Hi, Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.

Brian, don't be mean to him. Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. What did he say?

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls. Just like... Just like Sharon Stone. You beat me to it. Man, I haven't had this much fun since I was in that Broadway show. I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm

Okay, you clean up the warden's office while I go pop out a pinecone.

Oh! More! Tell me more!

"I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out! Wait! We can work this out!

How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots!

(TRUCK BEEPING) (PNEUMATIC TOOLS WORKING) Ahh, romance. Speaking of which, we ain't boofed in a whole week. Yeah, but what about the kids? Ah, they're back at school. Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was. This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other!

Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this. All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers...

She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this.

How do you afford this? We're the Superfriends.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. Piss off, you perverted old freak!

(CREAKING) What... Who's there? Go back to sleep, Dad. Okay. (WHIMPERING) You're very precious to me.

(STUTTERING) I don't know, man. How you doing right now? Good. Why? I think I may be having sort of a mini freak-out here. Oh. Just tell me I don't have to stay in this room. - What? - Just tell me, right now, that I don't have to stay in this room.

I think I know just the way. All right. Follow my lead. Love lift us up where we belong

(WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you!

You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

She must be destroyed. With Lois out of the way, I could finally focus on my life's ambition of taking pictures of Madison County.

Oh, boy, nice to be back home. Those seminars can wear you out. (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Wow, did you say, "Web-based Internet series"? No. Oh, my bad. Great idea for one.

12-inch screen And I'm his

Excuse me, there's something on the wall. Now you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas and Fiji water!

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while.

Loving... Loving family. Well, dig in, everyone! Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow!

Uh-oh. What? Well, I hate to ask you this, Quagmire, but do you know how to change a diaper? Yeah, of course I know how to change a diaper.

Unless I put myself in real danger, too! For my family's sake! Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?

You'll choke on your tongue and die Gotta give it up Give up the toad now It's no joke, buddy Give it up Gotta give up the toad now Or you'll croak, buddy Give it up Gotta give up the toad now And don't smoke or you'll see it hurts to pee

(EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it.

(LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) STEWIE: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah!

Check it out, guys. New driver's license.

Oh, Geez. For how long?

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society? Yes, it is. What's the secret password? Mustache. All right. Come on in.

Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed. Oh, my God! Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel?

I mean, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around here lately. Just yesterday, somebody gave Peter a "hot-butt." La, la, la, la, la. Regular life La, la, la, la, la, la... (SCREAMS) And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer. People are gonna miss me when I'm...

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know,

That sounds swell. (IT'S A SUNSHINE DAY PLAYING) I think I'll go for a walk outside now The summer sun's calling my name

Well, I know one person who could have. My partner, Tom.

Bald eagles should be allowed to make their own decisions! Honey, I don't care that you're bald. I find you just as attractive. It's not about you. It's about my confidence as an eagle architect. ANNOUNCER: Just for Eagles will give you thicker, fuller, more natural hair so you can just focus on eagle stuff.

(SHARPENER WHIRRING)

Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging? ls somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs?

Yeah, that's my couch. Rebel scum.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt. Tom, I don't think the government was requiring you to wear a suit. Well, they were stopping me from punching you in the face.

Meg and Kent are having space sex We can't show it But that's what's happening

Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE)

Boy, this is gonna be long. So, you kids develop any good pot connections at your school yet? What? Yeah. Ah. Lois, we'll be right back. Meg's gonna take me outside to poop. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (MUSIC PLAYING)

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here!

Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive?

Way to go, pal! Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie.

(AUDIENCE MURMURS) ANNOUNCER: Das Ist Gut is filmed before an audience of the mentally feeble. (GUNSHOTS) God, I wish I could get tickets to that show. ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you a Channel Five News special report.

From then on, he was my favorite. Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa. (KID SCREAMING) Future old people are wizards. (SLURRING) Okay, so here's the game. I'm... I'm drunk and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids. Oh, Dad, do we have to... Ow!

And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God. Again, Meg? You know, I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in, but there's such a thing as moderation. Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever. Brian, you're a thoughtful person. Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth?

Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter? Oh. I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone. Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway!

Uh... Nobody called ahead? What? Well, somebody from Fox was supposed to call ahead. They usually take care of it, and then I just go ahead and do stuff. I didn't get no phone call. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Oh, yes. Yes, that'll be fine. Ah.

Oh, my God, we should text each other. Hang up! Hang up!

Better there than here where all my stuff is. So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11? Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. And the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million of their people, which is like 200 9/11's. So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you. I'm just saying this war is wrong.

and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home. (WHooSHlNGl What do you think you're doing with my wife? Oh, boy.

Yeah, then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there yourselves. Maybe we will. Yeah! Jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside? This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter. Huh?

Well, hey, Cleveland! What are you doing here? I was wondering if my friends and I could ask you a few questions.

Yeah. No. oh man, So after all this, I end up with nothing? How about this? Every night when you get home from work, I'll scratch your back with a matchbook cover, like you like. Aw, Lois. Ohh. Would you call me "Big Rudy" when you do it? No. And that's the story of Petoria.

Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did

All right, Dad! Hey, Dad. Thanks. Mom, if you get elected to the School board, can you fix it so I win Homecoming queen?

You promise? I promise. Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools!

Are you sure you're a real priest? Yeah, yeah, I can vouch for him. He's real. He's molested me many, many times. Sorry I'm late. I was busy doing innocent, non-molesty things. Wait a minute. Two priests? That is impossible. This collar comes right off. He's a filthy Jew!

What the hell are you doing? Taking down the Christmas decorations. Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie.

What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?

Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks-- Hey, what are you guys talking about? I was just telling a joke. So, the bartender looks around and says: "What'll you two fine gentlemen have?"

except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie.

You're the coolest, Lando! Yeah. We never spontaneously broke into song and dance before you arrived. I'll never touch another toad again. None of us will. Yeah.

(GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS) (GAGGING)

(ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209? 209? That flight left half an hour ago.

and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again? Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Why Peter look sad? Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid. No one buy wheel.

PETER: Stewie! Stewie, how's that oatmeal? Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal? What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper? I'm just trying to eat here. What did you do to your mother's vagina?

I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends? There's so many questions left unanswered. Are you Luke Skywalker? Yeah. I've got something for you. A letter.

ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Because of Carol? That's right. I've decided to move to Alaska and become an Eskimo. Alaska? But that's so far away!

Why are you-- No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides. Why are-- Why--

Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that.

Everybody, this is Tina. What happened to you? How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up?

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

Eye patch would be cool.

No. There must be something wrong with you. - Really? - Yeah. I've never had that problem and I don't know any woman who has.

And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING)

I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No! - I get involved? - What? I get involved with lady? What do you think? Turn around. - I don't think so. - Okay.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...born and raised... (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...most of my days... ...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood... ...One little fight...

You're all right, Griffin. Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial, but I think we can get through it. Me, too, Lois. It's just going to take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I better clear the air with Clinton. Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry He's a family guy

Go figure! (BOTH LAUGHING) So what? She can name a kind of car. Big whoop. I can do that, too. Vikki. Vikki Carr. Peter, relax. It just happens that your wife has some funny stories, that's all. Well, I got some funny stories. I knew a guy who choked on an almond. And he had a stroke.

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD.

The fat man in charge for a week? He's going to be in over his head. Like when he was a boxing coach.

A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE-- Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive.

(CRYING) Oh, come on! It'll be great. Listen, Glenn, I want us to be friends. I think we could be an even better team than Lewis and Clark and the guy who likes to rip up maps. All right, the Northwest Passage.

They want me to contribute to The New Yorker. The New Yorker? You'll fit in there as well as I did at Woodstock. Excuse me. It's been brought to my attention that a few bad apples out there are smoking marijuana. I've got news for you, my friend. Marijuana's illegal. (CROWD JEERING) Not cool. All right then.

You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test. (GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin,

Sexy.

(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go.

Deal. HEy, Were you there when I farted?

Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

So, really saturate the soil twice a day. That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.

Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295. Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp!

Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo. (ALL LAUGHING) She should've handed out cigars after that one. That's hilarious. You should e-mail that to me. Hey, did you guys see the game last night? Oh, yeah. That offensive line is outstanding. Yeah, you should e-mail me that picture.

(PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely.

Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up.

In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time, I've got this bowl of cornflakes, and I gotta be at work at 9:00. So what are we gonna do here?

But since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you. - I did not care for The Godfather. - What? Did not care for The Godfather. How can you even say that, Dad? Didn't like... Didn't like it. Peter, it's so good. It--It's like the perfect movie. This is what everyone always says whenever...

Pancakes!

Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

Okay, sell wheel just like practice. Not sure can do it. You so money. Don't know it. Hi, me Peter. Tired walking everyplace? Need something make you go? Peter wheel make you go. Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING)

- (ULULATES) - Yes, good job. You're doing it. Bamba! Ooh, so close.

You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!

Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!

Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky.

Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die Says the man next to me out of nowhere And the good people of the world Are washing their cars on their lunch breaks

You're about to be yesterday's hopscotch chalk on a sidewalk, Stewie! Erased! Yeah, no, I got the metaphor, but, Bertram, if you erase me, you'll destroy the universe! What are you talking about? Listen to him, Bertram! It's true!

Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy! Don't worry, Chris. I'll handle the bear. Say hello to Satan for me! ahhh! It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin. I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin.

M-Mom, are we on T.V. right now? Yes, Chris. Your father signed a contract, And now we're gonna be on T.V. for the next 6 months. How could you do this?

(BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear, but somehow still in the race, is 'til Death. You named your horse 'til Death? You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat. ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands.

Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir. Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows. MAN ON TV: We now return to Robert Mitchum in Out of Shape In-Shape Guy from the '50s.

Oh, you out of time, baby.

and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other. Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control. Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh?

Tonight me and my friends, Paulie and Matty, are going out to drink a ton of beers. Tonight my friends and I are going out, but we're not drinking because those are empty calories. Then we'll play full contact football in the park with no pads or helmets. Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for Bad Movie Night.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me.

Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact, but you're just not gonna listen, are you? My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to kill you.

Oh, thank God, I'm saved!

Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain? Hey, you! Stay!

LOIS: Peter! (PETER GRUNTING) (LOIS CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY) (PETER CONTINUES GRUNTING) (PETER COUGHING) (PETER PANTING) PETER: I did it! I did it! That was all that noise.

Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING)

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Well, that's it, I suppose. Listen, I'm really sorry, Stewie. I know how much Rupert meant to you.

The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together.

(SCREAMS) Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself. Look at me sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet. I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.

If you blow this chance to do something good for our kids you'll be the biggest loser I know! Oh, yeah? Well, Peter Griffin is no loser! When I'm through with our schools, our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Peter tells me you don't have a career of your own. Oh, No. Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary. I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies. Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife.

That... That was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left? Well, I mean, we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse 'em. Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up. Where did they go? There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!

Chris! Chris! Stop this travesty right now!

MAN ON TV: Coming this fall, if you loved Everybody Loves Raymond, then you'll love his brother Robert even more, in Robert.

Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap?

(SIGHS) All right. Come on, guys. We're going to Quagmire's. All right, hang on. I gotta go to the bathroom first. Okay, let's go.

Stewie, come on. We're going home. What the devil are you talking about? My final exam is tomorrow and the only way I'm gonna pass is if I cheat. And if I do that, what was the point of coming back to college? We can't leave. It's almost halftime and we all pooped in the tuba. (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) (TUBA PLAYER EXCLAIMING) Okay, we can go.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry! But I do have a mind of my own! And I happen to agree with the School Board's decision. Yeah, yeah. I know, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Peter, where'd you get that cow?

Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home. What do you think you're doing, lad?

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I'm not your father. Oh, my God. Francis Griffin wasn't my real father.

It is so good to be home.

Oh, my God, what are they doing? Why are they trying to publicly humiliate me like this? I mean, what's the purpose.... Shiny red ball. Peter, watch out! So what can I do for you, Peter? Well, Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal. - Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test...

ahh!

I'm not lying. (FARTS) Meg, you got a minute? What the hell? I made that for you, Brian. Meg! Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again.

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere?

I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. Our kids eat... (SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, I promise you, it's fine. Lois. Lois, Lois. I will decide what is best for my child, all right? Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son.

Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha!

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like.

but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh Anyway, right before he died, uh, Mr. Weed promoted me to Head of toy Development.

Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this. Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy!

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful. Look at Gregory Peck's kids.

My God, you're condescending. I'm making a legitimate point about how poorly this family treats me. Brian, you can't say this family doesn't treat me like crap. Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up. (STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right. Well, it's one or the other, Brian. Geez, look at those two.

oh, Hi, Meg. Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair of us to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy? Oh, Completely. We totally reamed her. D-Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.

a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs.

(CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart.

One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no!

I love you so much, Lois. I love you, too, Peter. Peter, take Maple Drive. Otherwise we won't make the movie on time. All right. Uh-oh! What is it? The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy.

Babs, you want to sit and watch... No. I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people... People are gonna be sorry they didn't come.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC) I see the sparkling little diamond On your hand

so I was shadowing Dr. Hartman. I've actually been learning a lot, but then he just left me here! Well, you don't belong here! This is a professional medical institution with standards and regulations to adhere to! But... But I... I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'll go.

Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois! (CHORTLES)

punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

I know what everybody smells like. - Carl? - Cheetos. - Mort? - Pennies. - Derek? - Brut. - Joe? - Feces. - Consuela? - Pledge. - Seamus? - Wood. - Quagmire? - Wood. Wow.

Oh, there you two are. Lois, there's something incredible I have to tell you. And there's something incredible I have to show you. I learned how to do a somersault. Did I do it?

He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink. You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane. (SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather.

Well, That sounds like one powerful hurricane, Diane. In other news, School- board elections took place last evening. And with 6 precincts reporting, candidate Fred Johnson leads candidate...

Mom, I'm hungry. Can we stop and get some food? Well, I guess it is close to dinner time. Chris, Stewie, you hungry? (YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose?

Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

So, that's his lamp? Yes. So, that's his dresser? Yes. So, that's his window? Yes. So, that's his floor? Yes. Wow. What do you got there, Quagmire? Is that Briggs? No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas!

Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMS) Wait a minute! What are you doing? I thought you were blind! I am! It's okay, though. (GROANS) Just hang on!

(RAPPING) I respect women when I'm on a date I take them to the park or maybe a museum And I only try to kiss them if they're ready Whoo-hoo! What, what, what, what I say what, what Help out your mom and dad by getting a job So you can help pay for school supplies Whoo-hoo! Say ho!

They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes. Good boy, Connor. Pull.

(READING) You know, I think they kind of figured that movie was going to turn out to be bigger than it was. Oh, come on, Lois, it'll be awesome. It simulates all the fun of, um... What was it now? It was like a tall guy in a black hat and a cape or something? Yeah, yeah. And there was the guy with the mask who wore a mask.

Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg. Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam.

Five, five, five.

Mom, when's it Dad's turn? I don't know, Chris. But I think we should all pray for your father that he comes out of this uninjured. Those horses stink. And it's too hot in here. I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky.

Oh, God help you if I find pickles. Henry, I have a lost little boy.

so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker! But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow.

Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.

So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?

(WHEELS SQUEAKING) (MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction...

Lois, Peter, stop right there. You're under arrest for kidnapping. I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender.

Before I post the cast list my choreographer and I wanna thank everyone for auditioning.

Wait a minute. Hang on a second. What's going on here? Something doesn't add up. Just a minute. Time out.

Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing. Whoa! This is trippy.

All right, this should do for the night. Look, Stewie, now that we have a moment, I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are. Don't worry. I've got that covered.

Scientists believe it's four...

Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little... There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it again!

Oh, Daddy. Thank you so much. You're my hero.

Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming. Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over and killed Mr. Shatner.

Hold it right there. (BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

You don't say.

Well, I was on my way to get ice cream and I passed a roulette table, and I put it all on 16 because of that Taylor Swift song, Sixteen. That song is called "Fifteen." It came up 15! Stewie, that was all the money I brought.

What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm... God! Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Ice now, heat later. I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire?

Yeah, Chris, I never asked you. What did Lindsey say when you broke up with her? She didn't seem to mind. I think she already moved on to someone else.

Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive?

All right, here goes nothing. I'm going to sneak up on that guy. Hey! Gotcha!

I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

Give it up! How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store. I remember you face.

Hard and blunt! And, well, it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was raking! Let's go! All right, we need some wheels. This one's unlocked. An S.U.V.? Look, we're trying to elude someone. We're not driving to soccer practice. Let's take this one. Y-You like that color? What's wrong with the color?

I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God. Peter, he heard us call him stupid. His own parents. What have we done? Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth. Especially from a fortune cookie. What does it say, Peter?

You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me!

He was stabbed in a card fight. It was a simpler time. It was a better time. Well, no matter what happens to us, I just hope Meg's okay. So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me? What? You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know?

Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.

No! No! You'll never take me alive! Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

I know. Who do you think is taking care of the city? No. No. No. No. MAN: What the hell? Come on! No drive. Is wet.

Illusions! You want to talk about illusions? If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated. But you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough!

Now you're talking, Angela. This country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig needs a new house. (BLOWING) PETER THE PIG: I wouldn't do that, if I were you. What? I said, I wouldn't do that. I said knock it off! Why? Because I just made stool in there,

Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you! This one's my favorite ornament. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas. Yeah, it was probably very moving and fictional. Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need?

So, maybe this isn't where I thought I was gonna be at 7 years old. It's just that I... God, Is it ok if I smoke in here? Thanks. It's just that things don't always work out the way we plan. Do you know I've never been to Europe? Now look at me.

Do Short People! This is the worst use of money since I tricked out my big wheel. Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.

Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast?

Young lady, I don't talk to the press under any circumstances. What makes you think I'll talk now? This! You just don't give up, do you? You seize life by the throat and shake it like a topless bartender mixing a martini! You've got your interview. Thanks!

She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. Anyone? Anyone? Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire.

And I... I wanna... I wanna return the favor. After all, I'm... I'm a dog. I have another eight years, at best. I'm... I'm willing to give that up so you can have another 40. Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say. You're saving my life.

- You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911!

Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?"

I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

(SIGHS) I am sorry there has been conflict between us. Allow me to make amends. Please, help yourself to anything in my corn hole. Hey, don't worry about it. We can still be pals. And I know just the place for us to go and blow off all this steam.

It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you!

Oh, Peter, I love you so much. PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee, but either way, it feels so good.

Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J. You see, none of us are perfect. (PEOPLE CHEERING) (SCREAMING)

Hey, Tom. How you doing? What do you want? James Woods fired me. Listen, I've been thinking. I was a real jerk to you. I dragged you out here, only to dump you when you needed me the most. I guess what I'm saying is I'm really sorry about everything. Sorry doesn't cut it, Peter.

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Mmm. Now before we go-- No, don't go. Oh, princess, we have to. I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys. 'cause there's a 5-year sleepover at the big house. And you're invited. You'll never take us alive!

But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history, I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently create it. So the universe never existed! But why didn't we disappear? I can only surmise that the explosion from my old return pad irradiated us in highly charged chronoton particles,

Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la. Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought Marshmallow Peeps. Oh, okay. I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh.

MALE NARRATOR: In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention. These men promptly returned home and drank some beer. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them,

See, I thought if I held Connie Demico's toad, she'd make one of the cool guys ask me to the Winter Snow Ball. You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance? Meg, haven't we taught you better than that? N-Now, hold on, Lois. now, People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted. I--I don't know about this. Hey, We all did it.

All right, ladies, let's pick teams for dodgeball.

All right, listen up, ladies. We got something to say and we ain't taking no for an answer. We are going on a road trip. We don't know how long we'll be gone, and don't expect a call from us to check in. This trip is about men being men. We will drive after a couple of beers and not make a big federal case about it. We're gonna sneeze and not put our hand over shit. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop us!

Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

You're Tom Brady from the New England Patriots!

Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee?

(EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYING)

That's your closing argument?

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay!

(COUGHS) That was intense. What you just did. Lots of... Lots of flavors. Whoops.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Remember the dance? Of course I do, Peter. Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin? I think her name was Flora.

Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg. Here we go.

Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy. I want you to get rid of all this right now,

(ALL CHEERING) Frank, there you are. Mia Farrow? What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? Oh, leave me alone. Get over here, young man. Damn it all.

The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat deadbeat loser. Fat deadbeat loser? Well, Sir, While I may not agree with what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it. There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. The port is quite good. Yes, quite good.

in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors. And in other news, they're bringing back Passions! Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome!

Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly.

(LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone.

Check out my bulging rippliness.

Look, it was an accident, all right?

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie.

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down?

What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off. All right, all right. I tell you what, - you get one free revenge shot at me. - Okay. But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming.

- Derek? - Brut. - Joe? - Feces. - Consuela? - Pledge. - Seamus? - Wood. - Quagmire? - Wood. Wow. You know, I have to admit, before this Muriel thing I actually thought you might be the murderer. Oh, my God, so insulted. Trust me, if this were my work, it'd be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods?

You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night.

I mean, Byron is a 25-year-old single father going back to finish college so he can do right by his four-year-old daughter. So it's got to be somebody who can project a certain amount of world-wizened sophistication, while at the same time retaining a certain youthfully passionate idealism. You know who'd be good? Big Jaws. Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood.

Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Get some, Peter!

You can shoot yourself. If it's the only way, I must. (GUN SHOT) (EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.

Hey, Lois, did you say something?

Give me the simple life

Yes, but a gun, it's so messy. What about pills? Even hanging yourself is better. At least then you might grow an inch or two while you're hanging there. Of course, when they find you, you might have those Illeana Douglas eyes. Hmm. So, why the gun? It just seemed the quickest way, I guess.

Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS)

we've got 5 days left, and I'll not lose my wager.

Phew! Well, that's enough fun for one day. I'm sweating more than a non-legacy applying to Yale. (ALL LAUGHING) (SLURRING)

so by forced perspective, it looks like I'm holding up the whole sign. I don't believe you. I think you are a god. And I will die for you or kill others. Damn it. The signal's gone. If I can get up to the roof or something, maybe I can get a stronger signal and call the police. Okay. And I will skin this dog in your honor. - Please, don't. - As you wish. Do you really think it could work, Derek?

But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin. "Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..."

but only if you have the educational advantages, the societal advantages that, like, what, 5% of the country has. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say,

Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell!

I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

How long are you guys gonna be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act.

Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin? Any what? "Anacin"?

(ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin. I understand you children read my book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel?

Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.

(CAT HISSING)

I'm fine. I didn't push him back because he has leukemia. My name's Penelope. What's yours? Stewie. I've never seen you around here before. I'm new to town and I don't have many friends. (CHUCKLING) All right. A lot of pressure on me instantly, but okay. Would you like to play with some of my toys, Stewie? Well, what have you got?

I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different. I don't know. You know, it wouldn't kill you to contribute to the conversation.

No! No!

How do I know if I'm Jewish? - Are you Jewish? - No. - There you go, sport. - Thank you.

God, you've been sitting there since I left. Yeah. I spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done

" don't know about this, Doug. Just do it! Oh, good Lord! Is that.... Doody! I'm doing the dishes, Joe. I'll change you in a minute.

(GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

Peter, what is that? Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. "I wish I could escape to a place "where this movie couldn't find me," and then... What the hell are we waiting for?

On top of old Smokey

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Yeah. Yeah, that's my boyfriend. Well, I'm happy for Meg. Why, because she finally has somebody? No, because she finally has some lines. (BOTH LAUGHING) - You know you're my closest friend. Really? Yeah, we can't be more than six inches apart.

Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt.

My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know.

Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband.

Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, look who's here, diane.

Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film.

Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife!

Well, I hated T.J. Hooker! And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife! Although I was aware of it! Anyway, you're dead!

Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us. Yeah. All right, that makes sense. See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad. Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose You will wind up wearing tattered shoes If you mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze

We're going to add...

Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.

Then don't buy our shoes at the car wash.

(BLOWGUNS FIRING)

On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty. Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo! In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service. Next item.

but Lois' brother is locked up in an asylum. Well, either way, we gotta get out of here. Otherwise, we're just sitting ducks! Hey, we all know this guy goes for the classy ladies. In fact, I once caught him trying to pick up a quack whore. (ALL LAUGHING) All right, calm down. We all make bad choices.

- Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!

STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna. STEWIE: Hey, am I gonna have to handle this?

(GASPS) I was just there.

Did you two remember to wear your eager caps? I sure did, Mr. Tucker! Great! 'Cause you two are gonna have so much fun! Don't act any cheerier, diane. You'll give us all diabetes. Bite me, Tom. Come on, kids!

This is fantastic! I'm completely off the hook. What the hell? Hey, little man. Tell Chris to open his window? Just around the corner There's a rainbow in the sky

Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late!

You don't suppose... You think we're the only people on Earth? I don't know. I tell ya what. I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix. If people don't show up, then we're it. Yep, we're it.

Go ahead, Dad. Thank you, Jesus. I have a purpose in life again. Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work! My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians,

Move along. Move along, move along.

even though legend had it that any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog, who would charge to the cry of "Chopper, sic balls." I got a bad feeling about this. Hey! What are you kids doing? Oh, no! It's him!

I just want to get to sleep and put this ugly night behind us. All that unpleasantness with Brenda and Jeff was more than I can handle. It's no big deal, Lois. We probably just caught them on an off night. JEFF: (SHOUTING) Where do you get off calling me a deadbeat in front of your brother? BRENDA: (MEEKLY) No, Jeff, all I said was that you were in between jobs. JEFF: Well, it wouldn't matter if you'd just pick up that night shift at the prison!

Help! Help us! Oh, my God!

How good are you? You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to 2 Filipino women and a man. You mean 3 Filipino women! No!

No, Lois. Kitchen. Peter, I have a bad feeling about this man. He's not the kind of person I want hanging around our family. Honey, you're overreacting. Will you please just listen to me for once? That man is bad news! I want him out of our house and out of our lives!

Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah.

Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad.

He's gonna kill me. He l-loved that lasso. He--he rea-- Not as much as the baton. But, uh, we--we put a--a stop to the baton. He--he was, He was different enough, y'know.

Had to deal with that all day. Thank you very much. Oh, my God. Look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen?

(THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

Turn the music up, let's do it, come on, people, let's get loud Let's get loud

Captain, the ship no longer appears on our scopes. They can't have disappeared. No ship that small has a cloaking device. Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit of the Millennium Falcon. (STUTTERING) Tell him... Tell him we blew it up. He's not on hold and he just heard you. DARTH VADER: Yeah, I just heard you. (CHOKING)

Sweet Stewie, roll Hi, Anthony. Hi, Mrs. Griffin. You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately,

Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy. That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat. I've wanted you to meet Dylan for a long time, Brian. Well, Brian, a son. How about that?

Oh boy! This'll be even easier than running unopposed. Oh, Is that so? Not only am I gonna win this election, I am gonna eat your nose. Heh! See you on the campaign trail.

(SCREAMING) (SOBBING) Ow!

Chris, you kept this photo all these years? Yeah, it's gotten me through a lot of tough times. Like when Felicity cut her hair. What?

In a minute, Adam. Well, I guess this is good-bye.

Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's. God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated! I'm intoxicated all right, Lois, by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket, Cape Cod and all the great destinations that make Massachusetts the wondrous place it is.

Yeah, are you trying to suggest that Mayor West's enemy faked a corruption letter and then killed himself? That's idiotic! But it just might work. What?

Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out. In a body bag from dog injuries. Good day, ma'am. This'll teach Joe to steal my movie night. I'm gonna have my own multiplex theater. I haven't been this excited since I learned how to speak Braille.

"Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar...

I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself. Lois, what was I gonna do? It was either do it their way or get canceled. Well, at least then you would have had your integrity.

And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you...

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(MUTTERS)

MAN: I don't think that's a real nurse. Just hold still. Pretend you're at the vet. Vet? I hate the vet! (BARKING) There's a dog in here! Yes! Okay? There's a dog in here. I'm a dog! (ALL GASP)

Come on!

Brian should be allowed to see his puppies!

Oh, this must be yours.

So the guy take the dog into the vet. The freakin' vet tells him, get this, "It's not a dog. It's a rat." A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story.

PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

- Hey, what's up? - Hey! Um, nothing much.

Okay, how about you, Meg, how are you doing?

Lois, I'm losing you... (MAKING STATIC NOISE) Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, hey, Lois. This is somebody else now. There must've been a cross-connection. My name is Mike, and I'm somewhere else trying to make my own call. LOIS: Fine, Mike.

Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him. So, you feel better, Meg? All better, Mom. I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about?

You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Boy, this is gonna be long. So, you kids develop any good pot connections at your school yet? What? Yeah. Ah. Lois, we'll be right back. Meg's gonna take me outside to poop.

In fact, she always says the best memories she has are when you kids were born. Aw, jeez, Meg, that's it. This day is more for your mom than it is for Stewie. Aw, With all she's given us, she oughta get whatever she wants. And, Meg, today she wants you to be with the family. Really? Aw, Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.

Sushi or tapas,

Why? What happened? Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin. All right, look. First of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people.

Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless!

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?

Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey.

- The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.

Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry?

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Quahog's newest serial killer has struck again. Since the first victim at Quahog Park last week, three more men have been killed, all of them very, very fat. Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick. Oh, that's ridiculous.

Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager? And help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding. Holy crap. It's a gay bar! They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub? Oh, well, At least they still got sports on T.V.

Um, hey-- Hey Carol? Um, since--Since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts?

Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING)

(GLASS SHATTERING) Oh, crap. Well, looks like the good Lord just sent me a conversation starter.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa!

(HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.

Summer's here, and the time is right BOTH: For dancing in the street Dancing in Chicago Dancing in the street Down in New Orleans Dancing in the street In New York City Dancing in the street

(SCREAMING)

Everybody still awake? All right, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel? And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that?

Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes? No. I've lost my respect for you. Oh. Because I need those socks. We now take you live to Peter Griffin Junior High where embattled School Board President Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life.

Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today. Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy, Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk,

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party.

A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck. All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive. That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

(STEWIE GASPS)

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now. I don't believe we've met yet. I'm Carter. Uh, I'm Chris. CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this!

Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

ah, Isn't this exciting? Hey, Anyone got a light? Thanks. Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists. Well, hey there, Griffins! Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise! Don't tell me you're K.I.S.S. freaks, too?

I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

Made me pissed Made me really, really pissed I've got them on the list They'd none of them be missed! He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed

What? (RITA EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) - What's wrong? Oh, nothing.

We're too different to ever be pals You and I are Doo-doo-doo so awfully different Doo-doo-doo too awfully different Doo-doo-doo

This is very impressive, but my decision stands. No! Come on, buddy, you're leaving.

No? All right, see you, folks.

Hey, Mort. Oh, God! Don't hurt me! Oh, Hi, Peter.

Each float possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-- Oh, baby! Look at that!

Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy,

You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me. Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead. Zombie! Glenn, I thought I'd lost you.

so you won't get eaten! I don't understand, but nothing makes sense in these swamp monster times. (YELLS) We did it, Daddy! I have my husband back, and you have your company. Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who...

Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING)

Francis, we were watching that. Well, I'll tell you how it ends. Laura burns the roast and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!

(GRUNTING) But this isn't who you really are, Peter. We got to get you back on track. Isn't that right, buddy?

Peter, guess what I just got? A relationship video. The infomercial said this tape will help us communicate better as a couple. Lois, When have we ever had trouble communicating? Oh, Peter. I love you. Yeah, about a quarter past 5:00. Ok, Lois. I'll make you a deal. We'll watch the Tape,

Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil? Check! A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or zero? Check! Your mom's hairbrush? Check! You win! Oh, Boy! What's my prize? A pencil and a speed sign! I did it! I'll be right back. Heh.

And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story tonight. Quahog, Rhode Island. Known for quaint neighborhoods, white sandy beaches and harboring blood-thirsty murderers? That's right, Tom. Former murderer O.J. Simpson has moved to Quahog. We don't have footage of the murder itself, but we can show you what happened,

You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS Yes, you have AIDS Not H.I.V., but full-blown AIDS Be sure that you see

Hello, fat ass. Lois, immigrants don't take handouts. They just take one DVD a month from the house they're cleaning until they have a respectable collection.

Oh, yeah, they totally would, but look, I still want to go home, Stewie. How do we get out of here? Well, if I overload the return pad's reactor, it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe, but it's too risky. But it could get us home. Well, maybe, but it'll break my thing. And if I overload that reactor, we could both die. Well, you at least have to try.

Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do? Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours? Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry.

You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.

(BRAYING)

That is, That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight. Oh, hello, Janet. Yes--Yes, you know Melinda. Yes, it seems she's, um... Oh, What did we figure out, dear? Was it--was it 1? No, 2. Yes, she's 2 weeks younger than you. Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt!

Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

Wow, Thanks! See ya.

(BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING) DREYFUSS: Now, he said, "Sic them, boy." But what I heard was, "Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans "who aren't as bitter as they should be." Glad I could do my part.

Meg, you're doing a great job. In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you so much. Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee.

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human.

I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! Goodness, he's wet everything.

My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp. This is how a patriot dresses, Lois. Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country.

Look at me. I'm writing profanity on the wall! Water-soluble. No, Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! Oh! If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary.

Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper!

(BIRDS CHIRPING) The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring" And people walking by Can stop and look at my thing Oh, this is one fine day Liberal chubby chaser!

Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

Don't you give up on me, Rupert! Hang on, Stewie! Maybe I can help!

Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world. Oh, oh, Funny sailing story. A guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean and he sees a little black dog. Let me tell ya, This dog's been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter. Peter, maybe this isn't the place-- H-h-Hang on, Lois. So the guy take the dog into the vet. The freakin' vet tells him,

Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own.

Hey, bud, take a break. I'll take over. Go smoke a fatty. Thanks. MAN ON RADIO: This is Sierra Tango 817, Matthew McConaughey's private jet, requesting permission to land. Matthew McConaughey? Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817. All our runways are filled. But it looks empty from up here. We're almost out of fuel. No, no. No room at all.

(GASPS) A-ha! Daddy!

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.

Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I have a plan. I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog. Everybody stand back. Uh-oh-- Oh, boy. Oh--oh! Oh, God. Ahh! Ah--

(SCREAMS) There's something out there. Hmm? - There's something out there. - Where? Out there, in the cave! (LAUGHS) Crazy women, always hearing things.

I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner.

Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters? Stewie, it's gonna be fine. Look, here's our first house. There you go. A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you. Everybody gets a hen. Would you like some gravy? Sure you'd like some gravy.

Miss Sharon. - Miss Sharon from your daycare? - Yes. This is a map of her house. I thought we could burn her in her bed while her children watch. You know, Penelope, maybe we don't have to kill someone every day. There are other things to do. Like what? I don't know... You know what? Forget it.

Oh, I can't bear this anymore!

Christobel, I've just scheduled your first exhibit! Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad. Yes. I know how important your success is to your father. That's why he'll understand that you can never see him again. Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very--

This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.

Lois, Brian won't take me to the park. Then he talked about his ding-dong. Lois. Lois! Damn it, woman! Pay attention to me! Ow! Stewie, that's not nice.

Is this Dennis DeYoung, lead singer from Styx?

He was wearing a Jimmy Carter mask like the robber in that Keanu Reeves movie. The Matrix? No, No. It wasn't that recent. It was the One where they were jumping out of a plane. Executive Decision? no, That was with Kurt Russell. But The other guy in this movie, he kind of looks like Kurt Russell. He's getting away! Don't worry. He won't get far. Stop! Police!

Oh, amen. By the way, I just want to remind everybody... to put their e-mail address on the list in the back there... so we can send you our quarterly newsletter. It's chock-full of goings-on around the school. It's got a word jumble. A little hint: All the answers have to do with something here at the school.

Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING) You think he's dead? No, no. He'll be back on his feet in no time, probably follow in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps,

We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.

it'll give me the rush I've been looking for. (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out.

Come on. Come on. Go away! We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face?

Hey, fellas! Guess what? I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club. Barrington? Wow! I'm in. Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary. Aw, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote.

All right, who's ready for a campfire song, huh? Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame. It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes

He must remain there until he can communicate with nature. He must hear the wisdom of the rocks and trees.

So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

Nice throw, Casey Anthony.

and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave. Wait, wait, how about a ski-off? What?

Highway to hell You are banished from our community at once! And take your whore daughter with you!

5-5-5-0-1-4-3.

I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?

dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number...

I'm... Fine, I'm crippled Magnum, P.I. Brian, there's that girl from my yoga class I wanted you to meet. Look, Lois, I appreciate it, but I'm not into fix-ups. Oh, come on, you got to get yourself back out there. Jane, this is Brian.

You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here.

Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it, and I got lucky. But someone else could hurt themselves, and a small cut is a death sentence in these times, so let's just, you know, let's... Let's get these rocks out of here.

Well, how would you like to spend four hours desperately trying to give me a muscular soldier? What the hell, you weirdo? (LAUGHS) I'm just having fun. In fact, as I say to all the ladies, Giggity Giggity. You don't say that. I say that. You're a bad person. (TIRES SCREECHING)

(WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS) (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Well, it's getting late. I should probably go. Brian, this is, like, our sixth date. I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something.

you'd need an egg calendar! That's right. I went there.

Admiral, we've got enemy ships in sector 47. It's a trap! It's a trap! Also, whose cat? (CAT MEOWS) (SIGHS) Someone get your cat.

What was that? Nothing.

I love Wings. All right, I want to be very clear about this. You can meet her, chat for a minute, and that's it. In and out. Don't worry, Brian, if she is as ugly as I think she is, I'll look at her once, and then I'll go... (IMITATING RETCHING) All over the place. Then you'll wipe it up. and then we will go.

Do you have the expressed written consent of A.B.C. Sports and the National Football League? Just A.B.c.

Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that. Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!"

we're gonna have to have an orgy. - Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.

But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens "I built another identical trillion-dollar space machine "at my own expense on the other side of the world." And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that? Well, I stood up in the theater, and I said, "No! "You can't go into space because the machine "already got blown up by Jake-cockadoody-Busey."

Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

It's a space shuttle, Lois.

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song. Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need.

You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that. Thank you, Lois. I mean, he jumped into that lake to try and save your life, and he's eight years old, Peter. Eight! That's 56 in human years!

Yeah. Just come into my office.

Where did you get that shirt? Neil's giving them out. Hello, lover. Neil! What are you doing? I'm not your lover! I don't even like you! Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand,

We now go live to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa with more. Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin!

(GROANS) (GROANS) Oh, damn it. I meant hold it, not cut it off. You weren't specific. I've never done this before. Are you okay, Brian? Yeah, I'm just so happy to meet you both. (GROANS) What the hell are you...

I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off during the verdict. Goose! Oh, dear. It seems you're still It.

(HONKING) Holy crap!

- What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.

Can't you feel a brand-new day? Hey, Joe, where you been? We haven't seen you in days. Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena, I've been working nonstop. The only reason I didn't have to go myself is that South America isn't wheelchair accessible.

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta.

They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you.

The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line

We only live to kiss your ass Kiss it? Hell, We'll even wipe it for you. From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy! We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate Can I see that pamphlet, siR?

What the... Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me.

But, Carter, please!

Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)

Mmm. I hope these taste as good as they look.

But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma." aw, That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in.

Nothing. There it is! The BBC!

(GUNS FIRING) We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire. I pull back the sheet, and who is it?

Daddy? Well, look who's here! Daddy! You're okay! Of course I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be? Well, Brian said you were dying! And I finished a book! I promised myself I'd work that in. I might've jumped the gun.

Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin? (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Wow. There are all kind of manner of crazy monsters in here. Yeah, and they added even more for the special edition.

Brian, I'm filling out my RSVP card,

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH) Lauren is in the back. Just follow the music and you will find her. Thanks. (VIOLIN PLAYING)

Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing.

Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well! Joe, you promised. It's Christmas. Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time.

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell?

Look, my point is, you know what you're doing is wrong, and you know how to make it right. (SIGHS) Guys, put the money back and get out of there. PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex. Him legend. (SHUSHING) Why do you keep a sleeping baby in your time machine room?

It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that!

Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish! So come on down to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday! Get your eyesight fixed. Unless you don't have the balls. (THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish!

Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg.

Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!

Eye patch would be cool.

Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris. Thank you so much. You've been very understanding.

Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois.

(SLURPING)

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

What can I get you, sir?

Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today. All right, I'll see you later. All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig.

(GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family!

Yay, Meg!

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. Ew! It looks like a sad, old man. Hey, check it out, you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo. (ALL LAUGHING) She should've handed out cigars after that one. That's hilarious. You should e-mail that to me.

Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin!

Any particular direction? That way. You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.

Now, go get 'em, my little sillybillies! All right, Let's just get through this. Fine with me. Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick. You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel! Well You're one to talk! You've been stuffing your diaper since day one! It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos! Just because your breath reeks of rotten Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to.

Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?

I was raped.

PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

Who wants chowder?

What did you say? Rupert.

Joe Swanson. Who? Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation.

Grab some wood there, bub. Daddy and his friends have been drinking, and we're gonna keep on drinking until we each uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse by a trusted religious official. Oh, that's crazy talk. Oh, my God! Minister Washington, how could you?

She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me.

(PLAYING RAPIDLY) You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

Hi, Mayor West. Hi, Lois. I just wanted to return Peter's BeDazzler. Tell him I never even opened the box.

- Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone. - What? R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him. Oh, what the phantom menace is that guy's problem?

Careful. Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet. Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry. (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? (GROANS) I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man. God, I hope Alan doesn't find out. Hey, forget that klutz.

Boy, am I going to enjoy this meal. Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

Thank you, Glenn. Yeah, Lois. I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask. You guys! Okay, easy, fellas. Lois, I'd like to make a caramel-colored baby with you. Take it easy, Cleveland. Take your jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off. All right. All right. That's it. That's enough.

Hey, here's to exciting, new opportunities on the Internet. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. Oh. No, it's not you. I'm just dealing with a lot right now. You know, kids. Ah! Does not come with a manual.

It is so hot out there! How hot is it? Oh, I don't know. Like, around 98, 99. I don't get it.

I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good, then.

Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

And you know how hard it is for me to make new friends. Is this friends?

MEG: Oh, my God, Mom! I know, I can't believe it either. I guess one of my flaws is I'm just kind of brave. No, that's great actually, because now anyone walking behind you will know that you had $60. Wow! That is awesome, Lois! Your bum looks like an NBA guy's arm. Except it's not payin' someone to install a PlayStation in a car.

So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car.

(DOOR BELL RINGS) Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie. Now remember, everyone, let's be cheerful, 'cause Thanksgivings are very hard for them. 'Cause Joe can't walk? No.

What the hell is going on here? Why aren't you people working? It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Would you like to watch My Friend Who Sticks His Penis in a Pie? Look, I don't care what day it is in Mexico, in America we work on weekdays.

Joe, would you settle a camp argument? Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns.

Out of the way! I'm an EMT. (GRUNTING) Her airway's jammed. Come on now. Just like that. I need some gravitational help.

Well, it's just good to have you guys here. Can I get you folks something to drink? Yes, I'll just have flat water. Do you have HI-C Tropical Punch? And it begins! What? I can't have a drink with dinner? Oh, so dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it? Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows. (SHARPLY) You swore you would never...

That's a sex tape I made with my wife. Of course, nobody here is interested in seeing that sort of thing. Are they? Probably not. No. Okay. You kind of looked like you were nodding? Nope? Okay. Okay, we should get back to work. All right, next up. does everyone have a lab partner? " don't. Me, neither. She can be my partner. Sarah, that's very irresponsible. Meg is awful.

Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it! Look here. You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up! Interesting. Indeed. I wish we'd never come here in the first place.

God, you're so smart. How about this one? "QM2"? I'm not sure what that is. It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome. You're such a cutie patootie. If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie. Aw!

Okay. Well, we're gonna miss you, Brian. NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you!

Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence. (GLASS SHATTERS)

She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award.

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

Ahh! Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready. Maybe if you loosen my chains?

I'm not into that. Oh. Well, what are you into? Pinkberry. I love my job. Yum, yum, yum... Hey, there, cutie. Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's?

Surfside 6 who lives there?

(SIGHS) All right, I'll do it. If I just keep walking, I gotta hit civilization at some point, right? - Thanks, Peter. - Yeah. And good luck. Listen, in case I die out there, I need you guys to know something. I've been fake brushing my teeth for the last 20 years.

Look, James, your last movie was killer at the box office. Your q-rating is through the roof. It's time we ditched the W.B. and concentrate on features. sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice. Oh. Will you sign my ass? Do You have a pen?

But that's part of the mystery. Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way. - Marie? - Yeah, Donny? We cannot tell Mom.

not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I. And me, I find that hilarious. Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines. Grape Soda Today, Orange Soda Quarterly, The Fruit Punch Reader. Hey, what you got there, Stewie? Ooh! Mustache Aficionado.

Well, We realized our friendship is a lot more important than some stupid trophy.

I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

I watched the sun rise in my jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket.

I guess I was just tired of him being your hero. Peter, Joe is a hero. But he's not our hero. You are. Really? Yeah. You're always right there on the couch for us, making us laugh when we're upset. Changing the channel when something boring comes on.

I haven't had sex in 4 years. Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly- line worker, but you'll be happy to know, our company does not pay him to think. I'll take this. No calls. Come on, kids!

I faked all my orgasms.

You're like a circus freak! I'm kidding. You're just becoming a man, sweetie. Yeah. I remember when I became a man. The operation was a success. What are you gonna go by now? Peter. You know, Chris, we'll have to do something about that. But I don't wanna get rid of my zit.

You don't wear a hat and there's no wind in here.

All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.

Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise. PETER: Hang on!

Perhaps we should ask the chairman. Good idea. Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident.

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself!

Don't push. Uh, Lois, why do we have Lucy and Ricky beds? Because I'm sick of you crushing me in the middle of the night. Dr. Hartman called about my x-rays.

One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

but one thing we won't need is this. That's right, I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one. There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure.

Punch you first, Label Guy.

She can burn in hell for all I care!

We made it! Hallelujah! Get some!

like a London gentlemen's club. (MAN 1 CLEARS THROAT) (MAN 2 CLEARS THROAT) (MAN 3 CLEARING THROAT) (ALL CLEARING THROATS)

We have one where some Italian backpackers have laid out every item of clothing they own on all of the beds. Perfect. Will my bunkmates be constantly talking about me in a foreign language? - Yes, they will, sir. - Oh, great. Uh, also, I'm going to have some mail delivered here, and I want it to sit in that box for four years. Oh, and what street is the bathroom on?

In closing, although it seems pretty clear that my client committed this murder, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you found him not guilty. That's your closing argument?

The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not.

Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases.

I'm the editor for Teen People. Editor? Wow. Gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got?

What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool!

Just tell me, Doctor. Is there anything you can do to remove this gene? Well, Mrs. Griffin, it doesn't really work that way. We just have to wait for the effects to wear off. Well, how long will that take? A week, a month, a year? Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes? Rent! Rent! Rent! For all we know, he could be this way for the rest of his life.

...we have a responsibility to use these powers properly... ...and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand? Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it. I forgot the detergent.

A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting.

Well, I do feel pretty thin and wonderful.

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02 All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.

Oh, uh... Hit, please. Twenty-four? Crap!

Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you. Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek.

(CRYING) I just want you to know, Meg, if there's anything you ever want, all you gotta do is ask. Really? Well, there kind of is one thing. (DOORBELL RINGS) (GASPS) There he is now!

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Uh, I'm so bored. Without Stewie around, I have nothin' to do. Well, we could get hammered. Oh, It's too early for me, but you go ahead. What happened to me? You know, before I was married, I led a very exciting life.

PETER: Yes, he did. Says here he talked Muriel into selling him OxyContin for him and his 19-year-old girlfriend. This went on for weeks. But then she started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off. But he wouldn't let her. He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds.

Well, why aren't we there?

Well, hey there, Griffins!

Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer! And 19 of us are not. And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine. What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here. All prescribed to James Woods. And all from Goldman's pharmacy. What's that all about, Goldman? I don't know what you're talking about.

like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at... the bar. So just put my dinner in the fridge and I'll heat it up later.

I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable. Like the stock photos on a corporate website. WOMAN: I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles,

and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing. It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want. And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America.

All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time. Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room.

I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

Oh, He's not here.

served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years! Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype. I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again.

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks!

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table.

BRIAN: What the hell? Lois, did you put this muzzle on me while I was sleeping? Yeah, sorry, Brian. My psychic warned me you were gonna bite somebody, and I didn't want to see that happen. Okay, that's it. This psychic nonsense has gone way too far. What do you mean "nonsense"? Lois, there is no such thing as a person who is psychic. And though it's tempting to want to believe in something that brings you comfort,

(SPEAKING THAI)

With a rash

(INDISTINCT HUMMING)

I won this in 1989 from a Honey Nut Cheerios sweepstakes and I totally forgot to cash it in. It's one free round of golf with a famous celebrity. Wow! Who's the celebrity? I'll give you a hint. Famous football player. Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno.

Hey--hey--Hey, calm down. Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives. What did your therapist say? Dr. Kaplan thinks the, uh, ahem, accidents are linked to some kind of mid-life crisis. He suggests that I go out into the world and pursue my dreams. I'm leaving tomorrow.

I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back.

(CHUCKLES) So, you're doing something with the Internet? I am, I am. Being a writer, I'm always exploring new possibilities. Wow, I could never be a writer. How do you do it? Well, you see, when I watch the world go by, I think of it kind of like a huge screen.

Family, we need to talk. Your father was sexually harassed at work today. What? That's right. Angela grabbed my ass.

Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow! Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what?

I think you and I are gonna have a lot of fun together.

Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry, i--i--I can't eat this. Oh, Because it's not kosher. Yeah, let's go with that. Can Stewie and me be excused?

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it.

You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore.

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

(EWOKS CHATTERING) (YUB NUB PLAYING)

(WHISPERING) (CHITTERING) (CHITTERING ANGRILY) Don't need a translator for that one. Tell him to come back when he's ready to act like an adult.

so it could create me and so on. That's... That's the most incredible thing I've ever heard. So, wait, that means that I kind of created the universe, too. (CHUCKLING) No, no, no, no. You're sort of the Art Garfunkel of the universe.

(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Yeah? How'd that go? Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world. Yet. So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen or even matter. - Yes, that's correct. - So it was sort of like a dream.

You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS)

Oh, God, that is disgusting. I'm finally starting to peel. I'm telling you, Brian, my tanning days are over. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage to my skin. I wouldn't be so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before. What the devil! Where did that come from? Brian, what is that? I don't know. Of course, your sunburn was pretty bad.

Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it! I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park. Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it.

Now, remember, Chris, we have to work together, so that our steps--

Ok? Here I go. Da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da

Yes. You suck. I rule. Who the man? Who the man? Who the man? All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

You ever heard of the Multiverse Theory, Brian? Of course I have, but I'm wondering if you have. Oh, my God! So transparent.

Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! I know you can't understand what I'm going through. All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you. You are one lucky-- Ah-ah, Stop now. Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them.

Wow! Ted Turner! I told you guys not to invite him. Oh, He must've followed us. Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual.

Doo-bee-doo-wah doo-wah When life is getting to you put some fresh in your life Let Mintos freshen up your life

And a busted windshield. (GLASS CRACKS) And an untreated flesh wound. Aah! (GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like.

The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. What about that graph on the wall that says, "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? That? Oh! That's just something my son made me in art class. Ah. Then what about that poster that says, "The graph was not made in art class. "We really do want kids to start smoking"?

They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub? Oh, well, At least they still got sports on T.V. The new bowler For sommerset is our spinner Heath Who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on 2 short legs. What the hell is he talking about? Oh, It's cricket. Marvelous game, really.

No. Here's a picture of Joan Van Ark. Oh, my God, she's gorgeous. Gorgeous. Yes. Yes, Meg, gorgeous. Yes. Every man wanted her. But one man got her. A man she trusted to keep her safe and beautiful forever. That man was Glenn Quagmire. And two short months later, this is what happened to Joan Van Ark.

He's a family guy

Look at that. There's even a guy taking a crap in the sink. Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink. Oh, cool. Two spots opened up. (STAMMERING) You go ahead. I can wait. I might wait for a stall. Oh, come on, Peter. We're missing the game.

- Kneel before Christ! - Ah!

Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house. You mean that, Brian? Absolutely. Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING)

Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game grillin' me over my gear. And I needs to be mackin' style! Well, uh, The important thing is you tried, son. There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets.

Showtime! Welcome to the quahog Dog Show. Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits. Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this.

- Hey, Lois? - Shh. Quiet, Brian. Mom's taking a nap on the couch. Yeah. And look, she fell asleep with the cat right on her chest. (PURRING)

Meg, you got a minute? What the hell? I made that for you, Brian. Meg! Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.

All right, so I'm at the D.M.V. the other day. Long lines. Long lines at the D.M.V. But you'll find out all about that when you get... Um, Movin' on. So, uh, I finally tried Viagra and-- Oh, We got a joker in the audience there.

All right, all right. Listen, I got another idea. What ifl sold you my daughter? You drop the tab, and your son can have Meg. MEG: What?

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)

ANNOUNCER: One's a baby, and the other's black, f think. A t feast part black. Or Hispanic. f think, you know, possibly, there 's some Filipino in there. Yeah, possibly some Filipino. lmean, ifhe, ifhe's black, it 's definitely diluted.

Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie. Honey, if you wanna lose weight,

You have done none of those things. You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a 17-year-long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago. And honestly, when I turn 18, I don't know that I ever want to see you again.

It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What?

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous.

Anyways, Glen, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was. Of course that's why you're heRe!

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House.

Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Now let's move on to the washing of the hands. This is a very important part of the... Hey, hey, hey. The Easter Bunny is here.

Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food. Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet? No. Time for some Tikka Masala. Doctor, I won't lie to you. I'm a little uncertain about this.

You were my real friend all along. I'm sorry.

I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.

That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma?

Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.

Those people are nothing but vile, cheating, lying scum. And their carpet and drape scheme... Ugh!

I was the first one who wanted to go to war. (Lois) Peter!

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there!

Oh, way to stand up for your woman there, fatty. Chris, what the hell is going on with you lately? Ever since you hooked up with this band, you're like a completely different person, and I don't like it one bit. I am expressing myself! Now, get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter.

Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful.

This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening, you did something that changed the course of your history, causing the time line to skew off into an alternate tangent,

"What is Hope?" by Chris and Meg Griffin.

Okay, quit messin' around. Dr. Hartman, this isn't funny.

Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS) (GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Should we help him?

Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! Oh, I'll leave you to grieve.

You kids go back to school. Lois goes back to groceries. I go back to my job. That's not gonna work out, Dad. Why not? 'Cause you don't have a job anymore. What? Chris, what do you mean? Angela fired you and hired me. She said I've been doing twice as good a job as you did. So from now on, I'm the breadwinner in this house.

You see, the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on a duct. I'm sorry. What? I don't know what to do, Brian. Breastfeeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared,

Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit. Hello, Lois. (GASPS) Patrick! It's been a long time. (HUSHED TONE) Peter, he's here!

Uh...

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay!

Okay, Brian, watch. Here comes my big part. Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature,

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight, The Rhode Island Historical Society is heralding the arrival of a cast-iron, oak-handled Colonial bed sheet warmer, now on display in the State House rotunda.

Look, Lois, don't make a big deal about it.

Oh, that's beautiful, Peter. She's taking care of that kitten like it's her own. Yep, I knew eventually she'd stop tearin' 'em in half. There you two are! We waited for you for four hours! Where the hell have you been? Look, Lois, I know you're mad.

Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT.

Hey, How old is this T.V.? You can probably get the DuMont Network on this thing.

(LAUGHING) Now I'm over here.

Come on. Come on. Go away!

Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner. Run!

Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop. Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve.

We're no strangers to love

yee... haw! Oh! Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm blending in. Relax, Lois, It's not our house.

Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209? 209? That flight left half an hour ago. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That plane is going down. My friends are on that plane. They're all gonna die.

(GROANS) Oh, look. An "On The Raggedy Ann" doll. It's water weight, you bastard! Get off me! I'm not your whore. (SOBBING) I'm sorry. I'm just so sad. Well, I guess I can still play with it three weeks out of the month.

You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him. - (PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN - PLAYING) What is that?

Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go. (PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film?

Ugh! Ugh! Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working.

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart. Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.

Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. (PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.

Pengrove! Pengrove Pig! Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh, my! The magic tome. But it's--it's cardboard. And--And there are no words. There are just-- What is it you've drawn here? Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh?

I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids.

I'd like one ticket to Alaska, please. One-way.

Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use.

ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out!

I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner.

Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me?

Why don't I go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner? Like when we were dating. That oughta take your mind off the guys. It already has. I wonder what the guys are up to?

You don't want to go back to that record store. You got to get back out there, coloring eggs and hiding them for kids. What, you mean reveal myself? Absolutely. This world needs you, Jesus. It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction. (MOANING) I am so ready to have sex with you. Oh, hey, is that my phone?

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)

You like Dr. King? Because I love Dr. King. I love.... M.L.K! Man, he's my guy. He's.... I mean, I love all black people, you know. I mean, ifl could take all the black people in the world... and just, you know, just buy a farm somewhere and let them all.... Whoa, you know what, that actually didn't really come out right.

Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check.

Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset.

(INDISTINCT TALKING) Hey, guys, all the action's over here! Quagmire, what is all this? Peter's new co-worker gave me an idea. Welcome to Disabled Ladies Night. Mine are made from teak. What are yours made from? Yeah, mine are actually just pressboard with wood veneer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I'm putting out the presents. Not like that you're not. Tall in the back, short in the front. And show some care, for God's sake.

When I walk into Superstore USA, I get the sensation that I'm standing on a mountain top with the wind blowing through my hair! My God, look at this wonderland of treasures.

Greetings, man in white. I've been expecting you. Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer. Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that.

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been. Shh. Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station. Oh, uh. My--My blind guy's in the john.

U.P.N.? You're funny. I like you, Chris. I like you too, Sam. Want to poke him? Do I? You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free. I don't know Brian. Maybe Lois is right.

Look, everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have sex with him, you're a huge bitch.

Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Oh, thank heaven. The von Trapp family escaped! Reverend Mother, I have sinned. What is this sin, my child? Oh, well. No harm done.

QUAGMIRE: Hey, kid, come here. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth. STEWIE: Why don't you go hump a pile of garbage? All right, here we go. Classic. Uh-oh. (ENGINE STARTS) Ow!

All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly.

(SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war." My God, look at you. Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot. I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs. WOMAN: Oh, God! Oh, God!

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. What's that, Peter? Nothing. Oh, The lost-my-job smells great. What? Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass- for-negligence? Peter, are you feeling ok? I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world. All right, then let's eat.

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich?

Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know.

Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore. And, by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. What's your problem? Papa Tom's being a jerk. At least he talks to you. He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks. Well, all in all, you should be thankful.

So, then the valet pulls up. and I'm all, "That is so not my car." but then it totally was.

hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant! Hey, What's up, Pete? Long time no see. Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you. Well, I owe that to my better half. Who is it, sir? Uh, Angie?

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard. Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now? You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter.

It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass? Yeah, come on over. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

lest you look like a slut.

She's probably having her shish kabobbed as we speak. I heard that from Samantha in Sex and the City 2. (GIBBERING LOUDLY) I haven't seen it yet. That doesn't hurt the story. And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell."

Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich, we'll get you to the hospital. You bastard. There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

And that was the last time I ever saw her. Well, Brian, i--I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems. You have abandonment issues. You need to confront your mother and deal with this. What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah!

Vader's on that ship. Don't get jittery, Luke. There's a lot of command ships. Keep your distance, though, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance. How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, fly casual!

I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once.

Check it again! PETER: ...the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Brian? Yeah? I don't feel so good.

This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.

(ROARING)

Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie.

All right, Hastings! The Ottoman Empire. I could get used to this. You know what? This is what I want our empire to be about. The first television broadcast. (PLAYING SERENE TUNE)

who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher. In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out.

If that's what it takes, I'll have sex with another man. (RINGS) Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy. We're gonna pull you out of that school.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick.

I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM)

Yuck.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois.

Fuck off.

That's a fine machine, Peter. Peter, how can we afford this? Let's just say the car was a steal. Say that again. The car was a steal. This time without winking. The car was a steal. Wink. Peter.

He's a family guy

and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough.

I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here?

What is this? What the hell are we doing here? Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

(BAWLING) PETER: (LAUGHS) Look at Stewie. What a baby.

Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay!

We're finally free. Ouch. Damn, that hurts. What happened? I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again.

It's your turn, Death. YEAH, I know I should find this ironic, but really, I'm just bored as hell. Hey, How old is this T.V.? You can probably get the DuMont Network on this thing. YOu know, Peter is a good man and a wonderful father. Here it comes. Could-- Could you please find it in your heart to spare him?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Daddy, how could you do this to Mom?

What the hell is going on up there?

Oh, Stewie, how exciting. Your first visit to a real fire station. Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg?

Ok, Bonnie. 1, 2, 3, Push! Yeee! whoa! Oh-oh. Ah! Whoa! Ahhh! ugh! My God! I can walk! It's A Mira-- Sorry, Dad. Just get the chair.

What's that? It's a gift for you. You don't deserve it, but if anything, it's gonna wake you up a little bit. Jerome got you this as a thank you for letting him stay here. It's an actual prop from Family Ties. This is one of Nick's garbage sculptures. Yeah. Pretty thoughtful, isn't it?

Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social. Uh, just remember, you two, Fred is allergic to peanuts. Peanuts and Jews. (ALL LAUGHING) No, but Jews are bad.

Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then.

It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.

But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. Well, it turns out I'm not royalty. Shame about the Queen, though. Yeah, I reckon she's with Jesus Christ in heaven now. (SPITS) (METALLIC DING) Well, I'm just happy our family is safe and sound,

which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..." War, war, war! That last sentence was about war!

of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet? You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I thought that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me?

You'd never fall for these tricks. That's why I keep trying to figure out how to bring you back into my life, so we can make it work. I still remember the day we met.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results? Maybe.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney.

Yes, we know. You're very well-read. But this is poetry we're talking about, and I think when it comes to poetry, you can't be wrong. What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them.

Get it? Tooth hurty? (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch! I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real!

Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai. Break it up! Break it up!

Yeah! Yeah! Oh, boy, I can't wait to win a free dirt bike! EMCEE: And all you have to do is pay the sales tax. Who needs a stupid dirt bike! Okay, everyone who wants to win this dirt bike, come on up and put a hand on it!

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look?

Well, hopefully there'll be no more talk of suicide. Oh, no. I feel better than I've felt in years! I have my confidence again. I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone. Well, I'm glad to be of service. Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear? See you at work on Monday, Griffin.

Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?

(AS KARINA) Sick of me? Oh, that's rich! You know, I wasn't going to say this, but Mother hates you! (AS STEWIE) That's not true! You take that back! (AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me! It was the Christmas we all went to Edaville Railroad, and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore!"

"and then they totally did it. "And if I'd have been there, I would have been like, "'Oh, sweet.'" Huh? What do you think? You certainly do paint a picture, Peter. I felt like I was right there on Planet Niptune. You're not the only one. Everyone down at the bar wanted a copy. Wow! Maybe you should think about publishing it. Hey, if you ask Daddy,

Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!

perhaps a little tenderness will.

I got an idea. How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING) (EXHALES) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS)

"And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up "and put myself in the garbage." Wow, he must've had some demons. My God, suicide.

I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside.

WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version? Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here.

"Love never ends. Love never fails." Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8. Thank you. That was beautiful.

It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know.

Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush.

good-bye

see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.

Coming up in this half hour, our undercover expose on conveniently placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard. Ahh!

Heads up!

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

Eli! What are you doing with that outsider? Her name is Meg, Father. And I was just showing her our community. You stay away from her. She will try to corrupt you. That is not true, Father. Meg is wonderful. She is an outsider. She does not follow the one true path.

Bobby Briggs, you're really good at heroin. How much heroin is here, Bobby Briggs? Why are you talking like that? Are you wearing a wire?

Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING) (RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick.

PETER: I love you, Lois. LOIS: I love you, too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels.

Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that? I got to bed around 2:00, 2:30. Do you know what Joe said the street value of that cocaine would've been?

Not one single time! Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey.

You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby. That might occupy him and get his mind on other things. Hey, man, lay off the kid. I say, if it feels good, do it. Stewie, you don't do that yet. Hey, you don't know what I do.

Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you.

Eh! Eh!

Woo! Woo! Woo! CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy.

I just have a-- God, I'm so sorry. I keep doing that. God, please forgive me. I get that from my father. He's from a different generation. - It's-- - Whatever, man. - We cool? We good? - Yeah, we're cool. Fine.

Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

(SIGHS) I wish I was Beyonce.

Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

Did I do good, Stewie? That was very correct of you, Bitch Stewie. You're a good helper. REAGAN: And what a lot of people don't know is that I was Jane Wyman's first. You might say I broke her Jane Wyman. (LAUGHING) Reagan is a delight.

Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had.

Stop! Help! Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there? Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.

Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

Oh, my God! Come on! Get out of the trash. Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!

I do not want you trying to fly that thing. You're not even a trained astronaut. Relax, Lois. Nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles.

Oh, my God! It's okay, Peter. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's a hamster! (WATER RUNNING) We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

Help! Stop!

All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife.

Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake. Come on, Meg. We can be like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in Easy Rider.

That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca.

Don't worry, if I need help, I'll just fantasize about that Victorian stripper. Yeah, you slut. Doth the magistrate know what you're doing tonight? Good. Now, undo the top six buttons of your 100-button shoes.

Trick or treat! Well, the thing about Halloween is that the candy corn is not particularly, unusually, the cause of the determinate factor of timeless tradition, is in contrast to the turkey day. Gesundheit.

Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal.

CLINTON: Knock, knock. Mr. President, what are you doing here? Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car, I wanted to stop by and extend my good wishes. Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone? Sure. (CAMERA CLICKS) You know where I got that nipple ring?

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well! Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing through static. I'm sure he'll find a way to cope. Morning, Lois.

And somewhere in between, there's life. You folks have a good day. I never forgot what you did. Well, thanks for coming, you guys. You know what you were doing that day, Dad? You were breaking the law. You knew what your duty told you you were supposed to do,

Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no! Good Lord, what have I done? I better get the hell out of here.

Hey, fellas, I hope you're hungry.

Now we've got 30 rooms Hello, beans, goodbye, spray We'd take a bullet just for you oh, What a coincidence. I've got one. Stewie!

Baby Stewie, say hello to your new brothers and sisters. Hola, Stewie. Ni hao, Stewie. Stewie.

I like your ass.

Boy, I can't wait to lay into that recruiter. Yes, you'll be about as effective as the Wizard of Oz was at granting wishes.

Shut up! (WAILING) Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Wow, Jesus! Oh, you're dead now, Lois. Jesus is gonna kill you. And then we're gonna bury you in the yard next to Kathy Ireland. I mean... I mean, nice weather we're having.

Excuse me. Now that your family is gone, would you mind if we turn on the TV? Oh, hey. I didn't know anyone was here. I, uh, was just kidding when I told my family I loved 'em. - I am Mahmoud. - I'm Peter. You know, I never seen a hat like that before,

They said bad, hurtful things to me.

What do you want, homo? Listen, Mr. Pewterschmidt. You're a businessman. I'm a businessman.

And there's the Vietnam War Memorial. Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to those Vietnam vets. Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Aw! What happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy! I kill him! He cry like a bitch! Vietnam, undefeated!

Besides, is it really that big a deal?

Oh, that's fly. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca. Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here.

Hey, check out the new meat! I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'. Thank you. Hey, You and me gonna have a good time together! Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, you know, I mean, They're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but, wow! Oh, my God!

Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it! - Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever,

Well, this is it. This is it.

you'd respect me. I do. As do I. Now why don't you go hop on that gay bike of yours and go get yourself a lollipop or a cupcake or something? (LAUGHING) We good, Brian. We good.

Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly.

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian?

Aloha. No way!

Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing Just take it off Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think?

Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues. Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that.

Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe. Yeah. Nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

Ok. Um, This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. W-What's new, Ed? WEll, Stewie, tonight We have a really big show. Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides.

You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out.

Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. (DOORBELL RINGING) Well, hello there, young man. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice.

He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Ew! I don't know if this is gonna work, Lois. I'm a little shy at these types of things. You can overcome shyness. Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's. I don't know, Lois. I haven't met a single interesting person.

Now Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for "x." Math. ha! Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology. Hello, sir.

I mean, why here? Why now? I don't know. Maybe we go over there and find out. Maybe we do. Hey. Hi, there. Can you guys tell Meg I'm seeing someone? BRIAN: You see anything? Doesn't look like anybody's home. (GUNS COCKING)

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach. Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out. - Full-on. - Right? I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere.

who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day. I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day. Come on, say the line. Oh, oh, there he is.

Yay, Meg! Oh, Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days! Oh!

and now I'm the one in charge. Hang on a second. (SHARPENER WHIRRING) Clean that up.

MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson, and for some reason, Steve Buscemi.

Hello, Jonathan?

(GASPING) I had no idea. Hey, check it out. There's an air show.

Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

You won't be hurting anyone anymore. I just can't believe he's gone. (Pastor) Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. Daddy, I'm gonna miss you. Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too.

COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats! As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street...

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places.

Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business. Husband? Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Come here, baby. Let's head upstairs and play hide-and-go-anal. (LOIS LAUGHING) Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up.

Magic mirror, how can I look like a douchebag today? Well, Kevin, I would say, first of all, don't shave or shower. Okay, I won't. - And you just got out of bed, right? - Yeah. I would say, just go ahead and wear that tank top all day. Okay. All right, so we covered the hygiene, no collared shirts.

Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

He got us again! This whole thing just shows that women are nothing but trouble! You said it! Let's you and me swear off them for good! And how! Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night. I think something may have happened.

It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it!

(SCREAMING) (SIRENS WAILING)

Quagmire, you belong in a tree. You're a nut.

Chris, if I... Senator, let me finish. My forehead, my rules. Let's go to Los Angeles. Big actor, played the father in That '70s Show, Kurtwood Smith. How's it going, Kurtwood? Good. Thanks for having me. Quagmire, it's so awesome that you could come over after work today.

So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42. All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins.

(EXCLAIMS)

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING)

(WIND HOWLING) Oh, crap! Don't worry, I'll get it. (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) It is Jesus! Oh, my God! It's him! It's Jesus! And his best pal, Peter.

There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter. Ok, look, We're just gonna have to go on without her.

No! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back. Okay.

Hey, everybody. Guess what I am?

Oh, hey. This is fine. I like this place. It's... I'm a pizza dawg. So, how long have you been a member of the Rhode Island Society for Special Literary Excellence? Oh, no. I'm not a member. I'm their chaperone. Chaperone? Yeah. Uh-huh. We're in that section right over there.

It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Jets rule! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hey, Watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the T.V., and get me a few beers, huh? Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes and the kegs.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God! That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane.

Notice anything unusual? I sure do. His father's not in any of them. Exactly. Well, Peter's been very preoccupied with work lately. I guess Stewie's been missing his father. Thank you for letting me know.

I'd put pennies in it!

Mr. Booze ALL: Mr. Booze

Haven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person. Yeah. You know, come to think of it... Hi, I'm on a scavenger hunt. And I need a human foot. Well, as a rule, I would say no, but ok, come in. So, uh, So, this is what? This for like a school project or some--

It is so hot out there! How hot is it? Oh, I don't know. Like, around 98, 99.

Good-bye, kids.

(GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (BUZZING) It's me. I'm Gossip Girl. I still can't believe Chris is dating a Barrington.

That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby.

(ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.

You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs? Aren't you a little over-dressed? Oh, well, I... Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's.

I really was not expecting an open bar. Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

Glenn, would you feed Mittens? Mittens has food in his bowl. That's old food! Mittens, shut up! Don't you talk to Mittens that way. Mittens is a member of this family. Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone.

Can I help you, gentlemen? Follow that truck. Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck." Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please." Please follow the truck. Please follow the truck. (TIRES SQUEALING) I always enjoy traveling companions.

We like people driving behind us to know what our beliefs are. (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Peter, what the hell! My car. (CHATTERING) Oh, damn it! Hey, hey, come back. (SPEAKING CANTONESE) (SPEAKING THAI)

Yay! He's a good singer. Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here. You should have been here, man. Those were the shows. Oh, looks like somebody made a friend. I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS)

Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over! Uh, Damn it! Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there?

WoW! You know, Peter, I actually had a good time with you tonight. And I just want to say... Well, I'm glad you married my daughter. Oh, Thank you, Jesus. Oh, Actually, it wasn't me. It was-- No, no. It's ok. I'm used to it.

Why Cheesie Charlie's? It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time!

(PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter?

Those were the happiest days of my life, and I want more of those days. Please, Jillian, I love you. Will you please take me back? Brian, no. You had your chance. I mean, I thought you were my soul train, but you didn't want me. Soul mate. Soul food?

(FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow. Hey, guys, I'm going for a run. Do me a favor and keep Marian company while I'm gone. Uh, sure.

Hi, everybody, I'm home!

I'm too stupid to make up my own mind.

Lois, our problems are ovER!

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble.

Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes. Well, here I am trying to help you with something... You know what, I don't need your kind of help, all right? Have a great assault. Jerk.

by killing you in the race for School Board President!

- ANNOUNCER: Now, back to Happy Days. - Ah, that Fonzie is magic. I love the way he hits the jukebox to make it work. What is it, Mr. C? Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur.

But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit.

He was the first black Guy I ever did it with. Oh, boy. But, pff, I went everywhere! Don't be depressed, Dad. Here. I made you a present. My God! It's... good. Really good. It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris.

Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him. You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too.

and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair.

Ok. I'm thinking of a movie. Is it an action movie? No. Is it a musical? No. Is it a good movie? It has its moments. - Cool Runnings. - Right!

I lied. I was a princess the whole time. You bitch! I'm gonna punch you in the face! That was a lovely dinner. I saved all my scraps in a bag for you. Thanks. You know, Lois, I'm sure you've already figured this out, but that essay I wrote, I wrote it about you.

Aah! Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy. Oh, Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably,

I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

(WIND HOWLING)

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w.

Absolutely, O.J. This party will give you a chance to get know everybody and give them a chance to get to know the real O.J. Simpson. Peter, do you really expect anyone to show up? Sure I do. Look, here comes a bunch of people. (PEOPLE SHOUTING) Wow, what a turnout.

Oh, no! What's the matter? We're out of gas. Out of gas? But, Brian, it's freezing out here! What are we gonna do? I don't know. We'd better think of something. Maybe I can help. There's an old, abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north of here.

All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right. - Can you give me a caramel one? - No. You can have... Um... Um... You can have... Um... You can have strawberry yogurt. I don't like strawberry yogurt. Oh, picky for someone who eats the same food out of a plastic bowl on the floor every night.

Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!

Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend. Ugh! Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor? She's fine. Sea Breeze will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for another 9 weeks. She's pregnant. Look, Mr. Pewterschmidt, i--I just want you to know, I am going to do the right thing here.

Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus?

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Brian, how could you get us all worked up like that? Yeah, shame on you! Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. You are gonna get it when I drink.

Ahh!

Oh, Peter, you're selling your anvil? Yeah, I've had a lot of good times with this thing.

ooh! th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M...

Hey, Chris, you mind if I sit here? No, of course not. We were just having a political discussion.

Uh, Peter, I'm putting together another card game. You in? You--You want me to play? Absolutely. But first I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours. Oh, i--i don't know if I can do that. Ooh, That's too bad. Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. They're coming over later and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong.

which lost the America's Cup to Intrepid in 1973. Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now. Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub, what will you miss most? You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back.

And so ends the tale of Griffin Peterson and the founding of Quahog. Well, what a bunch of delightfully colorful characters! So, is that it? That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy.

Oh, no! What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. Oh, Lois, again? That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on. Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really?

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude.

You know, If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me. All right, now, let's do some role-playing. I'll be the office assistant. Mr. Henson, why don't you play the boss,

Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!

Caller, you're on The Lunch Hour. Can I take your order? STEWIE: Yes, I'll have a big helping of the pretentious crap. (LAUGHS) Whoa! Sometimes the crazy ones get through. Okay, we have Rose from Cranston on the phone. Welcome, Rose, can I take your order? STEWIE: (IN WOMAN'S VOICE) Yes, that turkey,

(BOTH LAUGHING) Help! Stop!

Hey, is this another one of those movies where you're an educated Boston street tough? I don't have to take that crap from you, neck. You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die. You'll die if you do that. Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf? I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder. Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner,

That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie.

You're too heavy. PETER: Keep going. You're almost there. I found a rock I like. Griffins, I don't know how to thank you. We never would have made it without your help. Oh, you would've done the same for us.

Oh, 'cause it seems like you're saying the first part in English and then some kind of made up phalumpf-phalumpf or something in the second part. I don't understand you. All right, let me try explaining it another way. Let's say we're at someone else's store and there's a sign and it says, "Buy one, get one free." Get one free? Wow! What store are you talking about?

ah! Hey, flathead, chop-chop. ah. - OH. - Oh. yeah, great job on the lawn. Now do it again, and this time leave it a little longer.

They're dead, you know.

Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! Oh, my God! NO! It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now?

why don't you pull your face from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie? Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself! Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this. I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing,

Shouldn't we be getting out of here? All right, okay, all right, I got it, I know... Here's what we're gonna do. We're going to take the cushions off, unscrew the legs, take the mattress out, and this whole thing is going to be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it.

"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"? Tastes like happy. Cool! That's imitatable! What the hell? El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company? Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children!

These Texans are socially backward and politically, they're all stubborn as a mule. No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose. Of course he was. He was the star. No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no.

Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out. - Hello, Peter. - Argh! (STUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you doing out here in all this snow? Just taking my rabbit to the vet.

Everybody gets called for jury duty, you stupid idiot.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God, did you see? Did you see how old and ugly they are? Oh, my God, that redhead looks like somebody pulled Silly Putty over their knee. I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin, but I can't baptize little Stewie today.

All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year! I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive. Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas.

I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get $100 toward a boob job that you desperately need. I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss.

BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods?

"Dear Brian. You were amazing last night. Love, Ida." (LAUGHS) This is from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad. Come on! I did a dog once, but I was in the Philippines, and I sure as hell didn't write him a letter. What? So what does that prove? The victim had access to all the office-of-the-mayor stationery he could ever want,

It's raining luggage and babies and limbs and Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child.

Road House. Road House. Road House.

All right, there's only one way to settle this. Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet. (LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands!

And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow?

Hey, Mom. No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home. I don't care. I don't care. Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep. 'Cause you're gross.

Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents.

with real butter. (GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.

Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, There's something magical about brown. Brown's the color of poo! Yes. Yes, it is.

What the hell? Where are we? Oh, my God, this is... This is Newport Country Club. I used to be a towel boy here. That's right, Peter. You're 18 years old again. At least, that's how everyone will see you.

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men. We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this?

This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire. (LAUGHING)

Knock, knock. Nicole? Ronald? Who's ready for Boggle? Oh, my God! No! Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole! My man, Ronald, who did this? Oh, man, they were so good together! We were just establishing our friendship.

Wanting to kill yourself... Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.

Hey, Lois, congrats on winning that boxing match last night. I saw your picture in The Daily Growl. Brian, The Daily Growl is not a real paper. What? Yeah, it is. (SQUEAKING) (LAUGHS) I like that sound.

Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell?

'Cause you know, I got to say, I don't think those rich guys have it all that great. Too much stress. You know, you give me the choice, I'll choose our life any day of the week. Me too, Peter. Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself. (SNIPPING) You look like garbage. What happened?

What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20.

Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym. Okay, see you... Wait. What?

Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's. But first in medical news, Dr. Elmer Hartman, beloved family doctor to all of Quahog, is the target of a molestation lawsuit. The trial is set to begin tomorrow.

Oh. Oh, I just got it. Hey! Hey, Armey. Hey--hey, What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"? Nah, I'm kidding, you guys. Hey--hey, Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar. Yeah, okay. OH, Great. That sounds good.

I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it? Or do you not even know what's going on? I also am curious about that.

Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.

(SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up!

Oh, no, wait, no, we won't, because I'm a famous race car driver. I forgot! Stewie, you're not a race car driver. And if you don't let me go right now, you're gonna lose your dad. (SNIFFLING) But Brian, I... I don't wanna lose anybody! I don't... I don't wanna lose anybody!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut, cut, cut! Cleveland, what are you doing? I just figured I'd give Colonel Tushfinger an Australian thing. Colonel Tushfinger lives on the moon, you idiot. He talks with a moon accent, you know? (IN SILLY ACCENT) He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand? I am Colonel Tushfinger, and I live on the moon.

But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it!

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Naomi. Did you pick up those tear-away panties like I texted you? I didn't get a text from you. All right. Not sure why, but I'll bite.

Oh, hey, Meg. What have you been up to?

(RADAR BEEPING) They're gaining on us. We'll be safe enough, once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose 'em.

I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today. Peter, This isn't a vacation for me. For god's sake, I'm trying to get healthy! yeah, Ok. Ok. All right. Hey, Hey, softball this afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake.

Hi, Carl.

Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!

It's all right. I don't think the club will mind. It's Cleveland I'm worried about. Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything. Hey, look. It's President Nixon. No, wait, it's a black guy. No, it's Nixon. Oh, boy. That was close.

Boop-boop-boop boop-boop-boop-boop.

(SCREAMING) Das poop!

Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping! Oh, I can't. It isn't in me to cause harm to anyone. No matter how much someone has harmed me. I'm sorry, Cleveland.

...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood... ...One little fight... ...scared... ...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING)

So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office.

(MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys.

Stop it! We all miss him.

Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!

Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.

what might not be okay with it. That's true. And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns,

Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.

MAN 3: The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Oh, that's why they call it that.

This sucks! I want to see the Grand Canyon! I'm sorry, but we are not leaving Stewie by himself. We're going home. No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

You understand what I'm trying to say to you? Yes, but I have just one question. Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes? (ALL GASPING)

Bingo, bitches!

Well, that's cool. Yeah. You want anything special? What? You mean like a sandwich? Yeah. Oh, no, I mean, I couldn't... You know, whatever you make will be fine. - Hey, Biggs. - Yeah? You're just as big a part of this as... I mean, you're doing stuff, and I think that's great!

It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

It's kind of funny. Hey, Peter, you got a card for if you transferred VD to somebody? Let's see here. Yup. "Sorry I accidentally gave you VD." That's all you got is accidental, huh? All right, I'll take it. Well, first let me thank you for answering the ad. Now, what do you feel qualifies you to be an effective baby-sitter for Stewie?

It's a glorious day. Hey, Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Hmm. Whiskey.

Peter? Do it.

Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. No, I don't. I quit! Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me! Hey! Hey! Don't you start running! W-Wait, Meg! Meg! Get off that bus. Don't you go to La Guardia. Meg, Meg! listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane.

let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more? Well, this is the last entry in the datebook. "Super secret meeting at motel. Inform no one."

Nobody knows They just remember the fruit Pewterschmidt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit? There are people dying in hilarious places. That is it! You are officially kicked out of this club! What? Griffin. We just had an opening. Congratulations, you are now a member. Oh, my God, really?

You dirty girl. Peter, I haven't left yet. You sick whore.

My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America. Sean, I don't know if that's true. You just contradicted me! You hate America! If I could just get a word in... You hate America! You like the terrorists! Well, I guess you're right again.

Boobies!

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING)

Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed. Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here!

(LAUGHS) Movie references. Guys, I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck! Hurry! Oh! Thank God! Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah,

Oh, he's perfect. Time of birth, 11:34 a.m. Come on, Brian, hurry. (ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina.

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Aw, did you guys just do the thing?

I'm Bitch Stewie. He's got quite a grip. Hey, Bitch Stewie. Why are there no midget accountants? Because they always come up short. (LAUGHING) Another good one, Stewie. I don't know where you come up with them. Isn't he wonderful? And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste. Watch this.

Hey. Here you go, Mr. President.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

Ok, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco? oh, That's gross! Yeah, let's not do this! Come on. If you're secure in your masculinity, you can answer a simple hypothetical. A-All right. Johnny Depp because he kind of looks like a chick, I guess.

Oh, hey. I didn't know anyone was here. I, uh, was just kidding when I told my family I loved 'em.

Water feels good on my skin. It's cool, refreshing, and it's a great way to stay in shape. What kind of cancer? It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection.

No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere? My wife, Denise. We met in a Christian chat room.

No! It can't be!

(SIGHS) Nothing we have works. Daddy, we're here to have brunch with the Barringtons. The Barringtons! How is that possible? That family is the pinnacle of high society. They haven't worked in eight generations. All the kids have drug problems. Most of them have OD'd.

And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you. Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills. He won't respond to you. Oh, yeah? hey, Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr. Come on. Come to Peter. Over here, Junior. - Come on! - Come to daddy. Come on, Cleveland Jr. Come to Peter. - Come on! - Huh? Huh?

(GASPING)

Try it again. Not talking to myself. You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata. Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing. I got the mu... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh? Start the car! Start the car! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! We've been hustled! Nobody says that anymore. Well, then what would you call it, Jared? I wouldn't comment on it! We were all there. We know what happened.

You suck!

Nobody gets any rights.

Oh, thank you all so much. What thoughtful gifts. Lois, there's one more. Oh, Brian, you don't have to give me anything. Oh. Well, give it back, then.

Um... "You see, Margaret. "After 20 odd years of marriage, "your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." "Really? And I suppose you think "I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky "deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" What was that? What did you just write there? Give me that! "Insecurity? Gender confusion?"

(LION ROARING) (TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees.

Oh, Good, the girls are in place. Oh, Nigel, since Peter's been gone, I've been searching for someone new. You know, someone with a sense of danger and adventure. I once played a game of cricket without shin guards. Oh, I love a reckless man!

What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.

Yeah, looks like we've reached our verdict. You know what I just realized? My jury duty's tomorrow. Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog, I feel vindicated. Today the truth has prevailed. And we've witnessed the power of the greatest justice system in all the world.

you've gained some weight recently. It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.

All right, we gotta search every one of these rooms. We'll start with Quagmire's. Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus.

To Joe Swanson,

(GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry. No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself?

that--that--that-- that leaves... this many. Good morning, Mrs. Griffin.

All right, let's all be cool here.

WhaT? Lois, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter. Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight. No problem. We got money to get that fixed, with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into.

Sorry, I forgot my prescription mouthwash. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God. What are you watching? That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear!

All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle. They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

And all the sex, and all the nudity, and all the poop. Well, I say it's wrong. These things are part of the fabric of American life. Well, we appreciate your passion but this Congress supports the FCC. Indecency is un-American. Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove to you that that's a bunch of bull.

Bye, Chris. Good luck. Take care, Chris. Oh, and hey, if you get sent off on a space mission, um,

Sammy Davis Jr.? What are you doing up here? Whatever Frank tells me to do, man. Hey, Sam, get back in here and carry my golf clubs. Yes, boss. (LAUGHS) Ew. Seems kind of racist, doesn't it? No, no, 'cause Sammy's in on it. Okay. But he's still carrying the clubs.

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here!

MAN: Oh, I can part the Red Sea. You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years?

Hey, I was gonna pick at that.

Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either. Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell. Peter, The good Lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about liking him.

Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what, I just... I hope I didn't hurt you because I'd feel terrible about that. No, no, no. I'm all right. But, listen, you know what, let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner. Well, that sounds lovely.

Oh, my God! John Williams!

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard!

(SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No. And I'm sorry, but nobody can ever know that.

It's so-so. Uh, More or less.

Han, there are Stormtroopers all over the place. Shouldn't we be getting out of here? All right, okay, all right, I got it, I know... Here's what we're gonna do. We're going to take the cushions off, unscrew the legs, take the mattress out, and this whole thing is going to be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it.

(YAWNS) Been a long day, Lois. Long day. Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed! Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He is a graceful, majestic creature who is a part of this family and only wants your love and respect.

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here.

"Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. "Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end." I don't even want to look at his face. Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up.

I'm on to you. Oh, yes. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But will you be prancing when... when... there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then? Oh, You just want to eat him up.

(MOCKINGLY) I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.

Everywhere they are crying out in the hopes that someone will hear. In cosmetic research labs. Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms.

You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah!

Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up. Carl, I'm so sorry. Wow, Meg, you alphabetized all the magazines. Hey, you want a job? What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure. Great. You start tomorrow.

where you're married to Molly Ringwald, Quagmire's married to Lois, and for some reason, we have a chalkboard in the living room. Well, what are we gonna do? We got to figure out what happened at this point in time. And I'll tell you another thing that worries me. You ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present?

(WOMAN LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHILD LAUGHING)

Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.

We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. There it is. Dad, watch out! aah!

Your husband's in here, ma'am. Lois! Peter, what's going on? Is it true? Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy? Hi, Lois. Hi. Look, Lois, we were just trying to help Mort.

Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

(FARTING)

Your problem is, you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. That you don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. You matter big time.

And... Nothing. Nothing. No, no, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story.

I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls.

Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane! CannonbalL! Jump in, honey. Don't be afraid. The turtle will keep you safe.

Ah, Peter, isn't she beautiful? Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night. I mean Meg. Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's hot.

(CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

(MOOING) (PANTING) BOY: Hey, get up, you faker. It's just a spitball.

Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today. Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now?

If you can learn, maybe one day I can walk. Now, what was it you wanted to say? Uh, nothing. You were supposed to get potato chips, you jackass. Damn it, Helen. Get the hell off my back or so help me...

The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job.

Oh, Joe. Oh, Bonnie. He turned to me as if to say... Can you ever forgive me? It's going to take some time, Joe. Rest of your life okay? It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

(FART)

Lois, where are your parents? Don't tell me they're still on safari. You know Daddy. He won't rest until he kills something on every continent. Ha-ha. But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas. It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.

I was only one course shy of graduating and I just cracked under the pressure. And now it just cost me the best job I ever had. Well, don't take it too hard. You're not the first person to get fired. Look, uh, Louis, the French people really want to thank you for your services as king. But it's just not working out and we've decided to go another way.

I wants me that beer.

Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening.

But wait, this is our last chance to do a panty raid! (GIRLS SCREAMING) Yay! Fat camp! We got it! Oh, no, a gust of wind! (WIND HOWLING) Oh, Chris, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here, safe and sound. Me, too, Mom.

(BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh?

(PLAYING STAR WARS THEME) What the hell was that? I'll tell you what it was, Lois. It was awesome. And wait till you see Breaking Bad. I don't know what it was, but now it's on roller skates.

What are you doing? Got to keep the tan up. It's not a skin color. It's a lifestyle, Brian. See, you wouldn't know that because you're white as a ghost. You're haunting this house with your whiteness, Brian.

I mean, I had a great time at my baby shower.

Don't cry! Don't cry! Game's over if you cry. (SLURRING) I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this. Peter, I think you may have had one too many.

She's a Killer Queen Gunpowder, gelatine Dynamite with a laser beam Guaranteed to blow your mind Anytime Recommended at the price Insatiable an appetite Wanna try?

What? It was a very difficult time and he was there for us. What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian. This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads.

(GRUNTS) (HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.

I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.

Sorry. It's okay. I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Yeah, actually, I do. Are your other senses better on account of you can't hear? Like, can you smell my farts before they even come out? 'Cause I got one in the pocket right now,

(ALL CLAMORING) What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called nunya business.

Um... What the hell? I'll just ask it. Why did we need the horse suit for that?

It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig. - Three tracks! - Come on! - We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but... That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track! There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad.

He's a bigger mooch than the Mexican Super Friends. Hey, Mexican Superman, can I talk to you for a sec? When you signed the lease, you said there was gonna be, like, five of you living here. Oh, no, they're not all living here. They're just visiting.

(IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet!

millions of them die, so is it wrong to kill sperm? Yes. Yes, it is. From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion. But abortion helps me get my homework done. And sometimes I abort in my sleep! What am I supposed to do about that?

Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Say, Do you ever get lonely? Yes. Me, too. Hold me.

Hey, does--does anybody have any drugs? I'm looking to score some drugs? Dad, get away from me. Connie Demico is looking. So that's Toad Girl, huh? Yeah. And that's Connie. I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck.

Ok, that's much clearer.

ANNOUNCER: This programming brought to you in part by Kobe brand condoms, the protection you want for the sex she doesn't. Brian, do you know where Peter is? Yeah, he and the guys went to go rob your dad. I believe you.

(BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery.

Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC. (SHUSHING) Lois, Lois, let's watch The Brady Bunch. Look what I did, everybody.

What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh!

What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs? That's not your concern. You didn't see anything. Remember that, or I'll ruin you. Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies?

Who the hell does he think he is?

and this would just stick in his craw. I like your freaky spirit, but it's your craw I'm after. I didn't think you'd be so receptive. Are you kidding, Lois? I'm physically starved. Your father's utterly lost interest. He won't even look me in the back of the head anymore. I see. Well, I guess we're good to go then.

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof.

rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road.

Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

(YELLING)

I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore. Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya? Delighted to oblige, Brian.

And Jeff and I are happy to stay here with you for as long as you need. Fine, then you call my cousin Terry and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital. Well, Jeff, he is my brother. Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school? Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh? Come here! Ah!

And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway. No, please. Don't! How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No! What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie.

Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways. Your number one, dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.

You're going down, Griffin!

I want you to wear me like a pinky ring. Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom. Okay, how about "bathtub"? (ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom.

What are you talking about? Fred Savage? Wait a minute! You're Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore? Yes, I am. They're both characters I created. But, why? Well, after The Wonder Years, I was hungry to do more acting but the pickings were slim. So I came up with this scheme to satisfy my need to perform,

I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world? Uh, Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out. Now, it's time for bed. Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you. (WHISPERING) You're awesome.

Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe.

Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go!

So, Stewie, do you work with Brian at the detective agency? Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do. At the detective agency. That's got to be a tough job. I know Brian's work has him coming and going at all hours of the night.

Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend. And it's free.

I don't want to see you make the same mistake. I don't know, Mom. I'll think about it. (CARTER GIGGLING) Carter, knock it off! CARTER: Come on. You know you Jew girls want that dollar. Follow the dollar and it'll lead you to... What do Jews like? Salmon! There's salmon over here. Is there really salmon over there?

I still don't fully understand! And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris. Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed?

Robin, as a comic, it's an honor to be up here roasting you. As a moviegoer, I want to punch you in the face. (TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, that's funny. Advocate violence.

Sure. Hell, yeah. Wow, I always thought the Japanese flew flying saucers.

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love...

Oh, my God! It's a chick!

All right, ifl give you 30 seconds of making out, will that shut you up? Let's see where it goes.

That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead. Take them down! Yes, sir.

Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours. Here you go, little buddy. Hey, look at me! I'm Pele! I'm Pele! Goal! Where the hell is he going? He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

Well, thanks for playing. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Oh, that's okay. I had a lot of fun. I'm a big fan of the show. Wait a minute! Peter, Martin Luther King was an inspiration to an entire generation. He was a driving force behind the civil rights movement. Lois, we're talking about Rhode Island's own James Woods here. He's a hero in these parts, huh? Use your head.

If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!

Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative.

Meg and Kent are having space sex We can't show it But that's what's happening (BOTH MOANING) (MEG SIGHS)

On any normal day you reek As if you're on a farting streak Your finger's up your nose and you are dripping with drool

I should be going. No, how about you stay here and I leave and never come back again? Stewie, this isn't how I wanted it to end. But you did want it to end.

You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to. But the lucky one was me.

Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison.

Thanks to the information in this R2 unit provided by Princess Leia, we should be able to mount a successful offensive on the Death Star. But first, please take a moment to watch this instructional video. Nothing but net.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck?

Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Big night, Brian. How you feeling? Well, a little nervous. I just want it to go well. Fingers crossed. Will there be an intermission? Because that will determine whether or not I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater. TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go. They didn't put masking tape over a seat for Tom Tucker and he's in there pitching a fit.

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door! I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom.

I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me. You just went a little overboard.

CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets of Brazil CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Back in the USSR CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't matter where you are

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck. Boy, I've never been in the owner's box.

Aw, this guy has sugar cereals. His mom must be so cool. And he's got a trash compactor. (GRINDING AND CRUSHING) It compacted it all. That is so boss. Aha! We meet again, Briggs.

Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back. You got fired for racist drawings. I guess. Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle. I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.

Why? They're just feet. (LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands!

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay!

Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank. Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner,

One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.

I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin. I have no idea what got into my son. Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine. Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here.

The rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, there's just no way. Big news out of Six Flags Columbus today, as they unveil what promises to be the largest roller coaster in the United States.

you guys are doing great.

I just... Uh! Stewie... Uh! Look... Uh! Come on... Uh! I... Uh! Just... Uh! You... Uh! This is... Uh! Can I... Uh! Ah! I was just messing with you, man! You can do whatever you want. I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious?

(CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing? It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois. I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right.

I'm calling the police. That won't be necessary.

I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training, which will address how to deal with a crazed drug user. Hey, Joe, what are we supposed to do in here?

And call her a bitch. Until I'm hoarse with rage. Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself? Yes, and then... What? No, I mean, that would like... That would show her.

Brian, thanks so much for doing this. Paul and I are so excited to see your act. Oh, thank... Wait. What? Paul, my boyfriend. Paul, this is Brian. Boyfriend? Oh, come on! I paid $800 for all this crap! You have a boyfriend? Yeah. And I'm a great guy. I'm unemployed, but that makes her feel useful in the relationship. I'm gonna fix him.

Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you've inexplicably acquired? I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing. They were gonna scrap it 'cause of some minor mechanical problems or something. Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation. I do not want you trying to fly that thing. You're not even a trained astronaut. Relax, Lois. Nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles.

(STAMMERING) Crap! Just a sec. Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests. I need some urine. You mean right now? Yes, right now. Here's some magazines to get you going. Uh, how's that gonna...

Peanut butter jelly

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.

Okay now, sweetie. This isn't gonna hurt at all. (YELLS IN PAIN) Those lying bastards at Johnson & Johnson! We'll put, "No more tears" on the label. But it does make you cry. I know. (BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

35 years. 35 years, Peter.

This doesn't make any sense. If you're so smart, why do you hide it? Come on, Brian. You know America doesn't like smart people. They elected Bush twice. Yeah, once, but... So this whole persona is just a publicity stunt? Publicity's what keeps this franchise running, Brian.

What is my piano doing down here? It was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but... Never mind. That does it, Peter. Either this bar goes or I do! Lois, honEy, I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here. I wanted you to play it. You know, Like it was an instrument.

Peter! Peter! there's--There's so much doody in here. I ca-- I can't take it anymore. I haven't eaten in 4 days 'cause I-- 'Cause--'cause I... I just can't fit any more in there. Help me.

Oh, well, this is nothing, just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that? SULU: Hello. Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING)

Got a telephone pole heading to the swimming hole. Spray it with sunshine! - Psst. Hey, dog. - What? You want in?

Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham. All right! Fudgie the Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss!

Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier.

Oh, My collagen is wearing off. Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way of telling you you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie. What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears? It means you're becoming a man. But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call,

(SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

Just follow my lead.

Come on, we're jumping off the roof. BRIAN: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves! PETER: Don't worry, we can fly. I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy. Either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. (LOUD SNORTING) PETER: Ah! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner! BRIAN: Peter, let go of me! PETER: I need to go find a screwdriver and some lighter-fluid. BRIAN: What? Come on! (SCREAMS) BRIAN: Damn it!

Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape. I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed.

Oh, I've got to do something. Jasper's always been there for me when I've needed him. I am gonna make Mayor West change his mind. But, Brian, the Bible says gay marriage is an abomination. Oh, don't give me that Young Republican crap, Chris. The Bible also says a senior citizen built an ark and rounded up two of every animal.

For God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without T.V.? Give me a break. Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat! Forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.

Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?" Oh, God, I always get these. Okay, all right, fire truck. Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks? Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything.

There we are.

There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat. Hi, I'm Amanda. I'm Chris. You look nice, so I'll blow my burps the other way.

Hey, Lois, would you make an appointment for me to be neutered in two days? Are you sure, Brian? Yes, I'm sure. And whatever I say in two days, do not let me convince you that I've changed my mind. Wow, you sound pretty serious about this, Brian.

Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose.

Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it. Sorry. It's okay. I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh! (GASPS) Ahhh!

Wow, Peter, a free gas card. This could save us a lot of money.

Yes. There. You have earned that. (STUDENTS CHATTERING)

but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this. Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good?

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't. Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings... - Manet, honey. - What? It was actually the Manet exhibit. Not Monet. But no big deal. People make that mistake all the time.

Oh, no, it's another wave of fighters! We're outnumbered! Oh, no, we're not! Stand by, my Hawkmen! Dive!

You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Yay! What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke.

I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black! She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? It was a movie in the '70s. Ah, You damn kids with your music. Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers,

This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice!

3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other. Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control.

What's the charge, Officer? Driving without my phone number.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING) (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? I killed you! I choke myself every day, you bastard. (SCREECHING)

I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise.

PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass.

There. How's that feel?

W-w-w-Wait a second. Death? I, uh, I used to fear ya, but now I'm glad we met. Because you've given me a great gift. The complete Boz Scaggs. How did you know? I just had a feeling.

Sorry, honey. I must've lost track of the time. What do you say? You think the guys will like it? This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends? Yeah, isn't it great? Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record. Ok, guys. I got another one.

You're paralyzed from the waist down.

Come on! Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.

I mean, I just... I wrecked that thing on the way out.

Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey, Jon Benet's untimely death is a tragedy. I will not rest until I find her killer, or killers. Oh, Really. Don't-- Don't bother. Nothing's going to bring our baby back.

You were right, Doug. Mischief is fun. We're the best pals since the Snorks. I am having a really great time.

That's all the motivation I need to actually do this.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Well, I'd say the Men's Club inaugural ball is a huge success. Hey, guys, let's play a party game. Let's go stand over near Brian, and we'll take a drink every time he says "bonerific". "Bonerific"? Yeah, it's his catch phrase. He says it all the time.

Can I get you anything else? Two more Cokes, please.

"Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me. "Their plans somehow relate "to the anniversary of my escape from the womb. "I'm still haunted by the memories "of how I was incarcerated "in that amniotic Attica.

Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? Come on, honey. This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynecologist. Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. Ew! It looks like a sad, old man.

Well, of course, I loved the movie, but, look, I'm no writer, but if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it. So, you didn't like the eagle. Well, no, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.

Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter! M-m-Mr. Griffin, please. please. I--I invited you here so that Chris could make an impression on the art community. Why don't you folks do some sightseeing? I promise you, If you leave Chris in my hands, the name Griffin will be as well known as Kandinsky. Who? Rembrandt?

- And J. Geils. - What? Nothing. There it is! The BBC!

Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. (ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure. Brian, what hell? Hot lady next to wheel. Make me want wheel. Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel.

(INDISTINCT TALKING) Peter, I told you, I don't like all these strangers walking around in our house. They're not strangers, Lois. They are our valued customers. And if we don't show them we appreciate their loyalty, they're gonna go someplace else. For what? Not to alarm anyone,

No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know. Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin.

I heard you coming. I made myself heard. Where have you come from? I've come from where I've been. You still riding with that mangy polecat Fletcher? Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun and the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road.

Oh, my God, Brian! Are you okay? Oh, don't worry. I'm fine. I'm just sort of bandaged up right now. You must be Kate's parents. It's so nice to meet you. Well, it's lovely to meet you, too. So, what happened? What happened is this one's a hero, is what happened.

Don't move, dirt bag!

Please uh, uh, uh... God, I don't ask you for much. But let my boy win this race. Do not go until I wave my flag. I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED!

The Mr. Sulu Show! (TO STAR TREK THEME MUSIC) Sulu, he star of the show Other guys just along for the ride He's got my shirt in there, I can feel it. All right, I'm going inside.

Hello? Hello, Jonathan? No. What number are you CALLing? 7. No. This is 3. Oh, Sorry. And his great grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher. Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why? Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad.

Good morning, class. Hey, can I borrow a pencil? Now, now, it looks like we have a comedian. I wasn't making a joke. I was just asking... Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday. And if you don't pass, you are not in the class.

Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes? (LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys?

I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me.

I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time. Wow, what a turnout. Oh, hey, there's Glenn. Hey, guys. Hey, this is my date, Consuela. No, no, no. Okay, we're here as friends, but I'm gonna change your mind one day.

Go on, Stewie. Get the note for Mommy. How dare you use me for your own personal selfish... Hmm. Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD.

Hey, you! Stay!

over at Glamour next Monday... but, sugar, you're gonna need these to stay on top. Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these. I don't need to. Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh? I just wanna make sure you got everything you need. - Hey, you like Pez? - Sure.

You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

(GRUNTING) (HISSES) (GRUNTING) (HISSES) Hey, get out here and fight me! (GRUNTS)

and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this. Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God. I thought we were friends. The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook.

Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home. I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you. Oh, My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself.

so why don't you just play with this blow dryer and these rattles? Guess that's it. You probably want me to get out of your hair. So here's the Drano in case there's a clog. Uh, soap's right there next to the radio, and towels are on the roof. So, goodnight.

I've taken DNA from the dollar bill you were paid for Rupert. Now to check that DNA against the federal database. (BEEPS) We have a match. "Stanford Cordray, 89 Spooner Street." Well, that's only a few blocks away. Let's go!

No, no, I think... Well, him, too. I read somewhere, I think it was in like, like Stuff, or is it... No, no, no. You know what, it was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah. You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. It's about pissing off Daddy.

Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.

Oh, hey, John. I like your work... Not! QUAGMIRE: That was the first time anybody ever used that. First time, I swear to God. Glenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy. I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake. Well, maybe it is. Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did.

So, what do you want on your thigh? I want a skull. Ok. Well, I can draw Kermit the Frog. How about a nice Kermit the Frog? No. I want a skull. Ok, well I'm gonna go ahead and do Kermit the FroG.

It's how I feel when I burp really loud in an underground parking structure to assert my dominance. (BURPING LOUDLY) Says the king.

Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one. Sweetie? You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it?

Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

Peter, did you have fun with Brian? No, Lois, he was a wet blanket. And I'm starting to think you might be right. Brian's getting old. He's not the dog he used to be, and I'll have to get used to it.

Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus! Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh!

Damn it! I love Mexicans. I'll do it!

Brian, you want some lasagna? No, thanks. Rita and I grabbed a bite already. Gosh, you've been seeing this Rita for weeks now and you still haven't brought her over to the house.

That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls.

Rough week, huh? Ah, I've seen better. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet.

(ALL CHATTERING) I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce extreme budget cutbacks having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue. Have you ever seen such a waste of the taxpayers' money?

And then he made me clean out the fridge in the employee lounge, and the employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted. I don't know what's in there! That's it! Peter is completely out of control! We've gotta do something to take him down and get your company back. Right, right, but how?

Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty.

Oh, my God! What am I gonna... Somebody help! Help! help! That was great! Look at-- Look at her! She's still shaking. Bastards. That was beautiful. Hey, throw me a beer, would you?

Big chair.

MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe... Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.

What's the charge, Officer? Driving without my phone number.

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone!

Wow, that sort of sounds more like me. Great! Then all you need is a dark- blue jogging suit. Let's see what we have in stock.

Ah! Ah! (STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

"E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's...

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry He's a family guy

That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

Not good. I got suspended for saying bad words. For God's sake! My principal wants to meet with you guys. Should we go? It sounds like a trap. Yes, Peter, we should go. All right, but if it's a trap, and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time.

I mean right there, in the moment? I get that way when I watch Handy Manny. So is that why we came here? Were you gonna end it? No, I was just putting money in my Christmas club. God, I have to get one of those.

Why don't you get a lap dance, Mr. Pewterschmidt? No, Peter's crippled friend, I think I'm just gonna leave.

Hmm. Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager? And help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding. Holy crap. It's a gay bar! They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub?

Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason. But then it thawed and cavemen came. Why Peter look sad?

(BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)

Huh? An alien in a grass skirt juggling torches. Yeah. All right, you're all done. Go. Come on, Stewie. Time for bed. Get a job! Peter, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad.

So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy? What, so you can sue me, too? Oh, come on, it'll only take a sec. Forget it. I'm a doctor, not a patsy.

Nipples shouldn't just come off like that. Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television! Ok, How about this? A single white girl in the city working at a magazine! Yeah, that's good. Ooh, yeah, Yeah. Do you guys hear yourselves?

Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk. Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Right here. Here you go, Officer. Give me the damn license. Don't you want it? Here. This is in poor taste, Peter. Having some trouble there? You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere.

Luke! They let you out of jail? Not exactly. He broke out to see me, Brian. We're in love. Meg, are you crazy? You can't harbor a fugitive! That's a felony! Only if someone finds out. Are you gonna do it? Are you gonna tell on me again? Well, I...

She's really upset that she got fired.

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind! A pox on quahog! Easy!

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over.

And don't pick the obvious one. Oh, hey, guys. I was just catching up on some plunger nipples. Dad... Go on, Meg. What are you waiting for? Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this,

Well, I hope everyone had a fun afternoon at the firehouse.

(STAMMERING) I don't understand. Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.

Sorry to fly off the handle likE That. Here, let me see that. That's what I think about you taking chill pills from the Man. Look, the old Farg made learning fun.

CARTER: Good stuff happening over here. All implied. BABS: It was the happiest time of our lives. Unfortunately, that was the year the great war with Alaska broke out, and even Carter's lofty connections couldn't save him from the draft. (GUN FIRING) In one of the bloodiest battles of the war,

Chris, honey, what's wrong? Anna took a dump on me. What? Yeah, she broke up with me. Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.

Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm.

Oh, crap.

Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter,

Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino... Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape?

Can I be in the show, Mom? Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive. Hey, you guys. Peter, guess what? I am gonna-- Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus. Hey, Dad, why don't you invent the Frisbee?

This maybe an unprecedented opportunity.

Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld!

- Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass.

Wait a minute. Where's Meg? I don't know. I didn't see her. Yeah, I kind of thought you guys would attend to that. Peter, you got to go back and get her. Oh, yeah, right. - Like I'm going back for Meg. - Peter! Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg. - I know, but... - You bastard! How could you leave me in there?

You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band. - Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.

- What do you like? - DJ Jazzy Jeff! I'm kidding! Oh, you got me. Oh, you got me, yeah. No, I really like Coleman Hawkins, Ben Webster. Oh, and early Coltrane, before he got clean. Yeah, no junk, no soul. No kidding. I mean, look at Chevy Chase.

Meg, let me tell you about popularity. Mrs. Canner? Are you coming? Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag. I can't say no to you, honey. What are they, like, $10? More like $1,100.

Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

God, this is getting too weird. I can't be your boyfriend. In fact, I don't even think I can be your friend. Kent, wait! We can totally be friends. We can go shopping together. And I like musicals. I've even seen the latest Tony Award-winning piece of crap.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Hey, Brooke, it's me again, Brian. Hi. Wasn't sure if you got my last message... or any of the other ones. Anyway, I'll just leave a quick message... 'cause you might be trying to call me right now. And I don't want to tie up the line. So, I guess....

See, look, Meg. He just walked out on you. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

don't you forget about me don't, don't, don't, don't don't you forget about me

YEs, uh, Yes, you do.

Guess I'm going for a ride. Why are we stopping? (CHATTERS) Oh, come on. (CHATTERING) (TIRES SCREECHING) For God's sake, Brian. It's just a squirrel.

Oh, my God! We were robbed! Is anything missing? No. I don't think sO. Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape? Should I call the cops? I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags!

Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness. This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian, did you see that treadmill - in the living room? Yeah.

You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it,

Let's see. Something good. Something good. Something good. You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile. Where you need improvement. You have smelly dog farts. Something good. Something good. You really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week.

Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real.

Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything. Hey, look. It's President Nixon. No, wait, it's a black guy. No, it's Nixon.

Ah! Another day of being huge. Good morning, guns of... (GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off. You're weak like everyone else.

Lois, last night was amazing. It was, wasn't it? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs. I know. It was amazing. Much better than that night you pretended your penis was Danny Aiello.

Aw, Man! Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med. Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap! Look at this place.

(LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

Listen, uh, I couldn't help but notice you across the parking lot and, uh... You know, you're-- you're very attractive and, uh... You want to go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex? Chuck, it's me, Morty. Yeah, 'cause we could... What? Yeah, they had me painted.

It was left to us by Leonardo da Vinci himself, with instructions that it be delivered to you on this exact date at this exact time. STEWIE: Dear Brian, it's been a week since you left, and I'm pretty sure I've set things right.

Hey, what about these? Good choice. These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious. I'll take them. Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia.

Oh! Oh! Ugh!

Alice, what did you see? Enough to know I'm getting a raise. What the... Oh, man. We're supposed to do a show tonight.

(GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter!

Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready? (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God!

I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room! Hello, Mother.

Hiya, lame asses. (ALL EXCLAIMING DISAPPROVAL) We were having a nice time.

He called me names.

Dear God, my time machine! You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad.

- Brian, I can't sign this. - Why not? Well, because I don't believe in gay marriage. You don't believe... Lois, that's ridiculous. Gay people have every right to get married. Well, they certainly have every right to be together, but marriage should be between a man and a woman. Well, that's not how they do it in West Quahog. By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there.

Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs.

Peter, your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptized.

Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?

They stink of good cheer, Lois! After we've had our fill of bread and wine, we shall tell tales of other times we had our fill of bread and wine. God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good.

Peter, what are you doing? Hey, It may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit, but it's still beer, damn it.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry hE's A famIly Guy I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine!

It's because you're teaching those kids about condoms. What? That's ridiculous. These students have the right to information about safe sex. Well, these parents don't think so. I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

Look at what this chick is doing to this polar bear. Wait, wait...

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. QUAGMIRE: Peter, I want you and the guys to come over to my house right now. We're drinking. What for? Just come over. I want you to see something. (SIGHS) All right. Come on, guys. We're going to Quagmire's.

Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look. Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back!

Well, I guess with good behavior, you could be out in 2 years. I made my own bed with this one, guys. I'm just gonna have to pay my debt to society. Not necessarily. I think I got an idea of how to smuggle you out. Bye-bye, take care, now. Have a nice day.

So, how'd Susie like your video? I don't care about her anymore.

Hang on! Poorly edited shot where driver is obviously stunt person.

Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!

(BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Well, define "Chris." Peter, he's really upset right now.

You heard it from the canine's mouth The country's changed, that is, except the South and You'll agree No one really knows, my dear lady friend just quite how it all will end

Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power. (SCOFFS) You have a different view, Brian?

Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja. Sauerkraut. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) Euthanasia for the mentally feeble. Das ist gut.

Peter, I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings. That's almost everything we have. What the hell was it for? I bought some local TV airtime, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance. Thank you.

Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend? Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!

Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. I shall call you "Eduardo." Peter, how can we afford this? You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting--

(SIGHS) I'm so sorry, Kate. I know you hate dogs, and I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I just thought... (SIGHS) I thought if we got to know each other better first, you would eventually be able to see past it. STEWIE: (CHUCKLES) "See."

Won't you drop the lawsuit, please, Dylan? Ah, what the hell! But, hey, you gotta print the real story. And this time, I want to talk to the real reporter. Let's go, Meg. See, Meg? Things always work out if you do whatever you want without worrying about consequences. Thanks, Daddy.

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING)

(CRACKS NECK) (GROANS) (JEFF GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING) (GROANS)

Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell! " don't know about this, Doug. Just do it! Oh, good Lord!

Mom, I hate it here. I want to come home. All the kids are mean, and I keep messing everything up. Even Jinx the Robot is picking on me. Hey, you've got something on your shirt.

This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful.

Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house,

Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it. Isn't it wonderful that everything's back to normal?

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running?

That Puerto Rican street gang give you any trouble on your way home from school? What Puerto Rican street gang? You're welcome.

Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Bill, how are you? Babs, come over here and say hi to Bill Gates. Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates. Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt.

and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.

Hey, Joe, where you been? We haven't seen you in days. Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena, I've been working nonstop. The only reason I didn't have to go myself is that South America isn't wheelchair accessible. Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out. We could be cops, right, Joe?

You can do whatever you want, son.

This is the story of a great adventure that happened to me and some of my pals. It all began innocently enough, with my stupid wife showing me some dumbass brochure. So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. You and I will have one cabin, and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two. Oh, this is going to be so much fun!

eh? How about that, Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience? Huh? You gonna eat that stapler? You can't eat a stapler-- Wanna split it?

I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

Jeez, Lois, could I have, like, five minutes to decompress, please? It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell.

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

Peter, take that thing off and come home. Hey, Lois. You're just in time for the exciting conclusion. Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Let's watch. There they are. That's the guy who ruined our cable. Let's get him! Stop! Stop!

Ok, they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over.

(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING) (GROWLING) He doesn't like you. Sorry.

All right. Here. Thanks. Now we want Justin's candy.

Take my life I would give it all I would sacrifice Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for

Um... You shouldn't be... Um... You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him.

Editor? Wow. Gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl.

God, where does Quagmire meet these women? This is why Boxbuster went out of business. Hey, what's going on over there?

Not me. (SOBBING) PETER: Put the dog out. The dog's crying. Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out? I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS. Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this.

No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses. All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here!

Oh, boy! Mom, can I keep him? Well, it's a big responsibility, Chris. That means you'll have to clean up after him and feed him. What do you eat? Attention. I like your hair. Still hungry. You have a beautiful speaking voice. I'm full. Let's see, I guess 185 pounds.

Uh, Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? Oh My God. Excuse me. Hey, no problem, meg. You probably bought me another 3 minutes! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day.

if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm.

Yeah, and he's got his cell phone clipped to his belt like he's some kind of big shot on vacation. Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are uncomfortable with Mahmoud because he's Muslim. What? What are you talking about? This is your post-9/11 racism talking. I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend.

All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig your own graves with them. Han, that's kind of dark. Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside! (MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry!

(CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore. Of course, Lois. I'm sure if we can just get them in the same room together, I can convince them to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

(EXCLAIMING) (GROANING)

I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones?

What is it? One bedroom, one bath?

I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

Uh, you're, uh, Listen, you're 17 now, right? Um, uh, I was-- I was just throwing it out there. I was thinking, uh, you know, if you ever want to... I don't know, screw around or somethin'. Uh, Hey, Joe. Uh, So, you know, it's just something to mull around in the old noggin.

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings.

undefinedOh, where the hell is Brian? " don't know, but I better go find him. We can't sit here watching infomercials all night. Hello. How come f rich and you not? How come you not sell real estate like f do? How come f sleep with your wife while you at work and then f pee in your toilet and don 't flush?

What? My hair's in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do you feel me inside of you? Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece?

Here comes Scott! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers. Also, trying to comprehend their obsession with the homosexuals from 'NSYNC. Hey, uh, Cleveland. You got a minute?

Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm. How are we supposed to stay calm? There's a killer in the room! We all gotta get out of here! We're all gonna die! Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together! (SHATTERING) Wait a minute. Joe, look!

Is it not true that you went to see Dr. Hartman for a simple prostate exam? No, I went for a flu shot. At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome. I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over.

Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel.

Can you turn it off at 3:00? No problem. We'll shop, come home, eat, and then it's off to the pageant to see our little Stewie play baby Jesus.

Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy!

Well, all that matters is that my boy is home.

Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers.

Oh, yeah! Yes. As I was saying, the time for victory is upon us! Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on! A new-- A new world! A better world! A German world! Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Yeah!

PETER: Let her go.

(PANTING)

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it.

Eww! It's everywhere! It's ok. Meg, hand me my sweater.

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die.

(OMINOUS MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) TOM: Good evening, I'm Michael Myers. I have enormous psychological problems, and I'm going to take them out on you.

You know what's amazing, Lois? A week from tomorrow, it'll be 20 years we've been married. I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic! Hello. I was there, see? (SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy.

STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here. What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING) (SOBBING)

I cheated on that assignment. You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here. I totally reek, man. - Check this out. - Come on! Tell me that's not epic. You know, I didn't come back to college just to cheat my way through. I wanted to do it on my own. Will you relax? Plenty of people cheat. Once again, Ashlee Simpson.

Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. But of course. That was my victory day.

(SCREAMS) This armor's useless! Why do we even wear it?

Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast.

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man!

L is for the way you look at me O is for the only one I see

Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

Fat people are immoral. How do you figure, sports fan? They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad.

I--I had no idea. in 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist. That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone!

Oh, God. Looks like we're walking. Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune. Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

Damn! Brother done kissed his mama!

That's all I ever wanted people to know. Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will. You got a deal. DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it. NEWS ANNOUNCER: This Sunday on Fox,

We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. We now go live to the Rhode island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa is standing by. Trisha? Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility, Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail?

That shows more affection They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto Takin' short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low And never let go 'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane

That's the last of 'em!

Ensign Glen Quagmire. Welcome aboard. You picked a great day to get rescued. We were just about to sing a song about mopping. We're mopping the deck which is Navy for "floor" And when we're done mopping we'll mop it some more "Swab" means "mop"

Housekeeping. Housekeeping. MAN: Come back later, please. Housekeeping? MAN: Not now! Housekeeping. MAN: Go away. I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no!

Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it.

Meg! Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home. Oh, Sweetie. It's good to have you back. Hey, honey.

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm.

Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! Oh, my God! NO! It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

I don't know, Bri. I can make things happen when I want to. Just ask my twin brother. And here's baby boy number one. I understand you've decided to name him Stewie. One more to go. And here he... Oh.

Yeah, yeah, he did. He sure did. You gonna shower before dessert? Greggy! Fitzy! T-Bone! Gaggaboo! Nazi guy! Griff-a! Hey, we're totally stoked for your party this weekend!

My boyfriend just dumped me. There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Thanks! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Brian! You did it! Oh, I say, this is an even bigger accomplishment than getting Minnie Driver's head to fit onscreen. MAN 1: Okay, back up.

(SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer?

I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell?

They call me Bill yes, they call me Bill And I'm standing here on Capitol... Ohh!

It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

Peter, this is Quagmire. Now, I want you to listen very carefully and do exactly as I tell you. Take a firm hold of the throttle and pull the red mixture knob out slowly. PETER: Okay. All right, now do you see a button that looks like a drunken gay guy eyeing you from across the bar? Um... Uh... Yeah, I see it. QUAGMIRE: All right, press the button right above it.

Oh, It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something. Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Well, sure. Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmm. No, thanks. I gotta get going.

Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle.

Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great. Brian on a date.

What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on. Mmm-hmm. The black dolphins. See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down. I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson.

Welcome to hell.

(BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)

So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

Uh, Hey, what's going on? Uh, you're, uh, Listen, you're 17 now, right? Um, uh, I was-- I was just throwing it out there. I was thinking, uh, you know, if you ever want to... I don't know, screw around or somethin'. Uh, Hey, Joe. Uh, So, you know, it's just something to mull around in the old noggin.

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself?

But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Show me the way to go home Everybody!

Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that. (ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down!

beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks, and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out! Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip? Mmm. I do! But keep talking. All this stuff about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. Really. I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper.

You shut up, all of yous!

You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends. The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste. Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it! Look here. You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up! Interesting.

Brian, what are you doing staring in Quagmire's window? Man, watching sex in reverse is just bizarre.

We're waiting.

I got you now, Briggs. Move that bus!

Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad! (CRYING)

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Give me a call.

Oh. oh! ah! Oh. So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson. So, as you can see,

How? Wha? My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive, he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star! Mom, can I get lipo, too? Forget it, Meg.

My job sucks. I'm tired ofalways scrounging around on the bottom rung of society... getting kicked around by the Man. Like when I worked in that lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Agreed, Peter.

No! It won't be the same! Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth.

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay. If you want to teach us a lesson... Yeah, that's even better. All right, if that's what you... Wait a minute!

Hey, are you guys gonna feed us anytime soon? No, sorry, we're doing meth stuff now. I'll eat that. You just got clean. Everyone, now that I'm a meth dealer, I'm going to respond violently to outside noises that the rest of you don't hear.

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too. - What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. Friday on A.B.C., followed by Dharma and Greg, but you don't have to watch that.

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.

Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? Peter, what are you doing here? Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. First I took an art class. Am I... Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me.

That sounds like a really chauvinistic presumption. I mean, because I'm a woman, you think you'll beat me? A man is automatically better than a woman at any physical challenge? Well, here are a few women who might beat you to the barn. Joanie Benoit, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Mary Decker, - Zola Budd... - DAN: Cut!

You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Yeah, it's weird. He doesn't even talk. Well, he was living among wild animals for two months, and you know how impressionable your dad can be. Hmm... Peter, this is your home. (GRUNTING) This is the couch where you sit.

I--i--i... I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God. I need help! Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie.

Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kind of hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down. I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me.

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances. How is he, Doctor?

Yeah!

(CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.

Why are you so quick to defend this guy? Because he was a childhood hero, Brian. Yes, he had a few marital problems, but I used to look up to him. That's it, isn't it? You idolized O.J. Simpson as a boy and you just can't accept the fact that he's not who you thought he was. All right, enough with the yappity-yap. O.J. is going to stay here with us in Quahog until I can help him get his life back on track.

Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!

(CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING) Who is that angel? That's Susie Swanson. You don't say. What, like, you think you have a shot with her? Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America.

It was originally Hebrewbergmoneygrabber. That makes you Jewish, Lois. And your children, too. This kind of rocks my world, even more than the time I went to that pediatrician. Whoa, Stewie. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you.

Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop.

(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER) (LASERS ZAPPING) All right, keep an eye out for Peter. He's oddly competitive at this stuff. Yeah, and he seems to be weirdly, physically fit at this place. Yeah, it's almost like he has unrealistic abilities when we play laser tag.

I see a woman draining your bank account and running off with a real estate agent. That is a bitch you see. And I see my friends. They're in trouble! I gotta save them! Wait, wait, wait. Luke, that's a stupid idea. You're not done with all your Force stuff. And besides, you can't fight Vader.

How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat. Joanie, it's me. Oh, hey! You know, I had such a great time with you last night. Listen, there's something I have to tell you. I just got back from the doctor. I have herpes.

Wow! It went right there. You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind.

Why are--

You bet. Are you out of your mind? Keep it up, Lois, I might fire you. You wouldn't. Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you? Okay, I'll behave. Yes, you will. Look, Peter, all I'm saying is, those guys have been with Daddy for years. How are you supposed to run that company without them? That's it, Lois, you're fired. Chris, you are now Meg's mother.

"Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID." Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy.

What the hell is this? For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie! Screw the theater. Mr. Monatti invited us to A cocktail party so Chris can meet a bunch of artists. It's at the Museum of Modern Art. Oh, God, I hope that's not some kind of museum!

You needed me

Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million. Good thing we swore off women to not be distracted... ...and unable to accumulate this vast wealth. Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Butter's in the fridge!

And I'm lonely. Oh, come, get in bed with us. Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." No, no, Stewie, go away! Brian, don't be mean to him. Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. What did he say? Nothing.

We're fucked.

Huh. That was easy.

She's brought music back into the house.

Good morning, Lois.

Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day. First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual.

We'll just have to entertain ourselves for... Hey, Babs, settle something for us. I wanted to bring an owl on this trip, but Lois wouldn't let me. Could you have accommodated an owl? Well, I suppose there's some room in the owlery, but I can't be certain. I'll take that as a yes.

Give me that belly!

All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya It chews so soft, it gets right to ya Juicy Fruit The taste, the taste, the taste is gonna move ya

Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy! (FARTS) All right, we're gonna do it once more. (ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four.

A breast lump! The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey. yeah, That's easy for you to say. You get to keep both your cans. Peter, don't talk like that! You'll see a doctor tomorrow and-- Oh, no--no--no-- No. I'm not gonna see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist.

(SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!

Come on, we're all just trying to have a good time.

You're a jerk, and I had sex with your mother last night. And I swear to God, you let me out of here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again.

Yeah, I'm calling, like you asked. Okay. Okay. Okay, but I gotta go. I got other stuff to do. Okay. Okay, but I gotta go. Okay. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, Mom. I love you, too, Mom. Okay. All right. Goodbye.

Good. I thought you were going to say something. But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose. What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right.

Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

(CLEARS THROAT) (COUGHS LOUDLY) (CLEARS THROAT) Ah.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy oh, Thanks for coming, Lois. Mark's been trying to get me to see his one-man show for weeks.

We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh!

This is all very strange. I agree. Something's not right.

You have to clean my ass. Oh, God, Stewie, there's got to be a line! Brian, this is the most important part. You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes. She gets all up in my biznatch with those. No, no way. I could get really sick. Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us. If you ever...

You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

(All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe! Peter, we can't afford this. No, but Mel Gibson can.

No! Ahh, ha ha! Aw, Now you've gone and upset the boy. Peter, this is a new chapter in my life. The--The kids are growing, the nest is empty, and I need some excitement. What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting. For example...

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought.

The one who looks like Tab Hunter!

I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy. We must kung fu fight! So be it, A.N.N.A.

And nobody likes you at school. I tried to stick up for you but I can't, because everybody hates you.

oh! Bovine lummox! Oh!

and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

(PHONE RINGING)

Good-bye, kids.

Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest? Oh, it's Dynasty. Oh! Yeah, I didn't watch that. (MURIEL SCREAMING)

BRIAN: Yeah, both of us! Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think?

No. No. You fat keep you warm. No. No.

Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!

All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid. This gives me an idea. She's dead.

And willingly...

Hey-oh mother africa

Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?

Evil monkey's gonna get me I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey

Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry He's a family guy

I have no future! I'm just gonna wait in my room until I'm dead. I'll be in shortly. Peter, we've got to do something. If Meg doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future she'll have? You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat.

Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand. Brian, I know you're upset about what happened with Kate and everything,

Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here! That nose better be piggy.

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard!

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up!

Fire at will! Gee, Dr. Smith, this doesn't seem like a very safe place to be. (CRYING) William! (LAUGHS) Okay, now fire at everybody else.

Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter. Oh, my God, Peter. What if she doesn't come out of it? I know, Lois. I never realized until now how much I've taken her for granted. I mean, she's my only daughter,

...One little fight... ...scared... ...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless. Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you.

What the hell is this? What? Come on, he's a cute little giraffe. Maybe you could call him, like, Gizmo or something. Oh, look, he can fly. (MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND) I hate him. His mouth is always open like P. Diddy. Well, what do you mean? You ever notice how in every photo of P. Diddy, his mouth is hanging open?

(GROANING) I'd better make sure my wallet's okay.

He wishes. "Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end. Hmm. I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

Well, I guess we have to start without him. What do you think? I got this for doing that car dealership ad. All right, enough messing around. Let's play this game. Let's play some football. Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude.

a little something about themselves? Let's start with you there in the front. My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed.

Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh? Yeah. hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

Remember? And you put that dream aside in order to provide for this family. Yeah? Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight,

Holy crap! This is hot!

Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now! Well, I hate to say I told you so, but... Wait a minute. I love saying I told you so! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, Stewie Griffin, meet Stewie Griffin.

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

(PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs! (PLAYS OFF-KEY)

I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. Peter, look out! Holy crap! Oh, my God! Mr. Tucker, are you all right?

Go on, try it out. Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.

You're mine now, Lois! Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it.

Really? I thought he hated you.

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first!

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this.

and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.

Oh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump! The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey. yeah, That's easy for you to say.

(CAR BEEPING) Oh, God! Brian! Brian! Guess I'm going for a ride.

your birdhouse will be complete. Peter, you already do nothing around the house, and now you're wasting more time with this nonsense. Geez, you're still getting on my hump about this? I help out around here. Just this morning I changed Meg's diaper and I sent her off to school. Boy, can she kick, but she left here spotless.

Let-Let's get some spices in here and fix this. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) Okay, he's inside the house. Let's hope his meeting went well. MAN: God, that meeting went awful! Oh, boy. MAN: What's that smell? Did you burn dinner, you stupid pig? Okay, kids, put your heads down. Put your heads down. And don't try to stand between me and your father, it'll just make it worse.

Set your course for the Hoth system. Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's this handshake business, huh?

What do you think you're doing, lad? NothinG! Something's wrong with your shower. The water's not cold enough. I like me showers colder than a well digger's kerblocken. I think it's time someone sits his kerfluffin' down and has a talk with his unemployed son.

Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go!

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

I wanted her freakin' money. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.

All right, Stewie, you all set to spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa? Uh, I hate being around old people. They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator. Ah, I'm hungry. What do we got? Let's see. Eye drops, baking soda and some film. OLD MAN: Close the door. You're running up long distance charges!

Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

MEG: What? Yep, all you gotta do is sign this contract. Are you out of your mind? You can't sell me, you fat son ofa bitch! Whoa! Careful getting this fish off the hook, Mort. She's got some fangs.

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

Hey, guys, let's go swim in the old quarry. ALL: Yeah! Wait a minute, kids. Don't go swimming in that quarry. It's dangerous! ALL: Wow! Thanks, G.I. Jose. Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum, or cotton candy, or a stuffed animal? How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun.

All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands. Have you seen this child? No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open. MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no!

Ok, $35. Now, that's the cheapest? Hang on. Hang on. Can you bring me some of those free gym bags? Thanks. I--I can probably just do some pushups at home--

Santa Claus skips Christmas. Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year.

(HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS)

Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene. (SCOFFS) It wears off after two and a half weeks. Oh! Great. Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number. Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys.

I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar?

God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING)

Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces... or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. Peter, you're still you. No piece of paper from the city is gonna tell me...

Newport would like to extend a special welcome... to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding. There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy.

Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow! Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night. Oh. Ah, Jeez! This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since I went to that museum. Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night. Here. This'll make you feel better.

we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar. There we are.

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down. Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them.

Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you!

Hey, U.P.N. All right. 90210. Dad? Meg, what are you doing at West Beverly? They're really reaching for guest stars in the 10th season. Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here! I'm already a total outcast because of you!

Oh, my God! Thank you. Peter, please don't underestimate them. I guarantee you, I am never gonna hear from those guys again. Peter. Ah! It is time to repay your favor to the don. Aw, Jeez. At least that's one problem solved.

Charlie! Charlie! (WAILING) This was so funny in my head when I planned it.

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,

Oh! This is such an amazing city! Like, I could see them having a special episode of The Biggest Loser here. Lois, didn't you see I tied a tampon to the doorknob? No. What does that mean?

TERRORIST: We missed!

Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit. And you know why I did it? Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could. What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?"

Oh, my gosh! He was just floating out there by himself? Yep. He was so grateful I saved his life, he invited us all over for dinner tonight. Oh, Good. I don't have to cook. Oh, no, no. Go ahead and Cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty. Say, Peter, uh, My audition's coming up. Would-- Would you mind listening to my monologue? Sure, buddy. Let's hear it.

Damn! Brother done kissed his mama! Oh, yeah. Get me Isaac Hayes. Isaac, you know that new sound you been looking for? Well, listen to this!

We never even got a chance to have sex. Everyone knows rich, waspy girls are the best at it. I'm really going to miss that club. You know what part I liked the most? Walking around the locker room naked and offering people sections of a tiny clementine. Clementine? Oh, thank you.

Dear God, this place is nightmarish. Look at the offensive way they draw Jewish people. It's here. The uranium lab is in here. - Where'd you get that thing? - Up your ass.

Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin.

Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school...

(BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

Maybe I wanted to talk. I guess wanting it more than anyone just wasn't enough. H-hey, You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there. That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found, everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. But What I did was wrong.

Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass. Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here. Hi, my name's Peter. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news of the story of Jesus Christ.

Well, Lois, I'm off to my first day as a corporate bigwig.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

It's all right to go to sleep, my friend. I'll stand guard. Uh, Ok. Don't worry. I'll be here all night. Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council.

What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right. I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents. Unattractive women do it all the time. You look pretty today, Carol.

No. I gotta get home for the sitter. I'll have the souffle. That takes 45 minutes. That's okay. I can't believe we're doing this, but I gotta say, it feels kind of right. I know, it's so weird, right? I mean, it's, like, fast.

how am I supposed to win a race? Hey, hey! What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did--Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No!

Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source, for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case. Now we're here, where the hell's our host?

(DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

Welcome back to E!'s Adult Video Awards preshow. It's a good crowd here tonight, Mom. It sure is, Melissa.

Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it. I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that.

Yes, I share your mother's skepticism. Meg, I think everyone in this household has grown weary of your tall tales. No, really, I have a boyfriend. His name is Anthony. Well, Meg, if you're telling us the truth,

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING)

Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed.

I've had enough.

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Looking like we might have some weather

She's right, Lois. Plastic surgery is great! I--I was thinking about having Broderick take a look at my nose. It doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy, or--or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby. You are who you are. Ha. I think I know what you're getting at.

No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this.

You could've had both! (CONTINUES SOBBING) See? That wasn't so bad. Oh, you know, Lois, this movie has helped me understand a lot of things.

(BUZZER SOUNDING) ANNOUNCER: We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated! (CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion!

Get off the stage!

(SLURPING)

MAN 2: Not for me! Evil, evil monkey Chris, will you knock that off for two minutes? We want to talk to you. Take five, guys. What do you buttheads want?

All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by. Red Buttons standing by. Redd Foxx standing by. Big Red standing by. SEAN CONNERY: Red October standing by. Helen Reddy standing by. Simply Red standing by.

Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya! Ahh! Ahh!

You know what it is? Duh, it's an apple. Good, good, good. All right, watch this. What the... What is this? Is this some kind of gag? - No. That's orbit. - Huh? You have your own gravitational pull. Oh, that's a bunch of crap.

Hey, what about these? Good choice. These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious. I'll take them.

What, so that's it, Peter? You're just giving up? I don't know what else to do, Brian. I guess we're never gonna be a family again. - Hi, Peter. - Oh, my God, Lois. You're all better. That's right. And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months. I'll enjoy that. And, Peter, I got a surprise for you. You got the kids back.

Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.?

Yes, well, I rather doubt that. Oh. Yes! Oh, These are delectable. Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you! What a precious little boy. Oh, That's my, uh, son. Your son? But you're just a baby yourself.

gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity!

Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out. Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard? Oh, Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs. Oh, God, kill me now. Hello? Karen!

It's the cops! Run! Hold it, you two. Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally? Uh, uh... Lois, look over there! Run!

Sorry, I was dialing the phone. Are you all right? Yeah, Don't worry about it. Doesn't look like there's any-- Peter Griffin, certified C.P.R. Don't anyone panic! What the hell are you doing? Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No!

Hey, we all know this guy goes for the classy ladies. In fact, I once caught him trying to pick up a quack whore. (ALL LAUGHING) All right, calm down. We all make bad choices. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, I hope you're sitting down. I got something to tell you.

Sir, if you don't leave now, I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I. Yeah, we... We did one of those earlier. Yours is better, though. We probably should've waited for yours. (GROANING) Joseph, my water just broke! - It's time! - Oh, my God! Please, you've gotta have some place for us! We're desperate!

I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Uh, is--Is that a beer hall? Oh, yes. Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

(SCREAMING)

Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-- Ooh.

Like a Twinkie. Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around? No, I haven't. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor. When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way. Last night, for God's sake, you farted. I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car.

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth,

(GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad. Brian, do me a favor and check on Stewie, would you? He's fine. Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song?

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

Women's Professional... All right, you win. Let's go. But just for one night. What the hell? Where are we? Oh, my God, this is...

He's in a coma, Lois. My God, what the hell happened? He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. Just goes to show anything can be dangerous. Is his family here? His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff. Oh, my God, not that guy. Is she still with him? Isn't he the one that beats her?

She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. There was someone I had to see first. Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies,

I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address.

I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym.

They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention. (CHUCKLING) It's a bus driver's uniform. Pow, right in the kisser!

No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar. Wait a minute! I love schnitzel!

Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING)

- Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs. Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow

all the things that make us

WOMAN: Now, where were we? MAN: This is much better. Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected. Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman. On my 25th birthday, your father surprised me by showing up...

Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great. I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that.

So, you ever been with a woman? No. Peter! What? There. Are you happy, Doug? Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing?

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it!

Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight. Whoa! Ahh! You can whip me all you like, white devil, but you'll never break my spirit!

Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! You... You have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute.

Christmas. 9/11.

Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now. We're too late! Oh, my God.

What kind of cake? Angel food cake. Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God! Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. I'm talking about that! Holy crap!

So You're just gonna let them recast me? It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan "B." Brian, put a mask on. I have an announcement. "Meg Griffin's plane "was shot down over the Sea of Japan. "It spun in. "There were no survivors."

The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah! Do you think I'll ever find the right woman?

LEt's Give Tammy a round of applause. This was her first robbery and she was very brave. Mmm. Now before we go-- No, don't go. Oh, princess, we have to. I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys. 'cause there's a 5-year sleepover at the big house. And you're invited.

(GRUNTS) Damn it! Now batting, Stewie Griffin!

CELL PHONE RINGER: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right?

Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. (FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me.

Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool.

We're being pursued by two objects. Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.

(CLOCK TICKING) This is ridiculous. Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing. Well, I have questions about her testimony. She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party. Now, how could a woman at an orgy witness a murder?

He went into James Woods. Let's spread out and find him. We'll head him off at the... (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

aah!

My principal wants to meet with you guys. Should we go? It sounds like a trap. Yes, Peter, we should go. All right, but if it's a trap, and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time. Any more bright ideas, Professor? (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois. What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own? That's insulting. And you know what? I don't like the way you've been talking to Rush this evening. You know, I thought you were my friends. But if you can't accept me now that we disagree about certain things, then maybe you aren't the friends I thought you were. I'm moving out. What? No!

(HUMMING) Off I go on my merry way Life is great and I'm happy with my dad

(WATER RUNNING) - Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow. What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about?

Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you! Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture,

You did it, Stewie. You did it. (SIGHS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

you know, Clowns and petting zoos book months in advance. Y-y-You're gonna have a tough time finding a... Oh, Hold on. Ya! Ya! Some day.

Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand. Brian, I know you're upset about what happened with Kate and everything, but I did have one more thought. Yeah, what's that? Well, since Kate is blind,

MAN: We read you, Neil. NEIL: We chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. MAN: Had a lot of help down here, Neil. NEIL: We have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God. MAN: Yeah, if you could just grab some rocks, Neil, throw them in a bag, we'll get you home safe and sound.

You're getting wet.

Now, get on out of here, you little scamp. All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what?

Ow!

Yeah, everybody's having a good time.

This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest.

You want to buy a light-up yo-yo? Well, kind of. That's it! Peter, we have got to get rid of her. I couldn't agree more. Just let me see if Mikey sells those things with batteries or what the situation is there. Consuela, I'm sorry, but this is not working out.

It's got steam heat I got steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love

It's all my fault! (WAILING) (LAUGHING) I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this. - You're still my little buddy, right? - Yeah.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, trying to get back on my feet after having my ass handed to me by my bitch of an ex-wife.

I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it? I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with. Can I have some of your hair? " guess so. Great. Thanks. All right, hold still now. You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss.

Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too. If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time.

No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie. Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper.

What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet. The Emmys are on tonight. Oh, God. Don't tell me you forgot about Meg's play tonight. But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. Plus, I went to her first grade play that one time. Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you.

Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while? Ok, who's hungry? Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us.

Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex! Oh, And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby.

Great job, Peter. Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars, and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion. So what happens next? Do those guys all get trials? Well, you know... (INDISTINCT) It's a long... It's the process, and whatever. Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at The Clam? That's a great idea.

You ain't got no hand! You a little truck.

Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch. Come on. You-- H-h-hey-- Hey! None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No! No! You've had yours! Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast.

Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS) I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, but I know where it should be. Around here the town drunk is a person of great honor.

Next thing you know, they'll want to vote. Oh, oh, look at this. A spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco. They--They don't even make this anymore. They don't even make this car anymore. Whose key could this possibly be? What if Brian's right?

(CHATTERING) (TIRES SCREECHING) For God's sake, Brian. It's just a squirrel.

What... How the hell are you alive? Hi, Peter, how are you? Never mind that, Bonnie, I'm here to induce birth. Follow me. Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet, and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men.

(SCREAMING)

Well, Peter. It sounds like you should go out and co-mingle amongst your newly-found brethren. You know, absorb the culture. Wheelie timE! You know, You're right, Cleveland. I--I should be hanging around more black people like myself. Thanks.

Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

C-O-A-G-A... (BUZZER RINGING) Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. Bet you could spell "box cutter." I'm nine years old and I'm Indian. (GROANS) All right, Peter, if you spell your next word correctly, you win the competition.

(CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING)

Oh, you've got a date! What's his name? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me. How exciting, Brian. So who's the lucky lady? Well, actually, her name is Shauna Parks. Meg's teacher? Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great. Brian on a date.

GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit.

(ANNOUNCER READING)

You've got to be aggressive, even more aggressive than Michael Jackson's treatment of his own groin on stage. (GRUNTING)

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!

Lois, are you feeling all right? I'm just a little seasick, that's all. STEWIE: Oh, my God! (CHUCKLES) Brian's eating it.

I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen,

No, no, no, no, no, no! Artoo?

Yes, Daddy. If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian. Okay. And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month. - Do you understand me? - Yes, ma'am. Peter, I got us the cabin. PETER: Yeah.

You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you just bitched yourself out of a bite. All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right.

It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

There is one way, Adzin. You can shoot yourself. If it's the only way, I must. (GUN SHOT) (EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS)

Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted on your car," with his insurance info. Oh! (GROANS) Busted. Geez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad would leave the house without their purse and wallet. I wonder where they are.

Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner, he'd still be alive and you'd still have your job. Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. We just have to scrimp a little, that's all. You know, Sell some stuff we don't really need. This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married,

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

Oh, Jeez, look at the time! Come on. Come on, kids. Let's get going. Aw, Sorry, Meg.

Now Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms. Lost 'em! Dag-blasted Lincoln lovers! Anyone seen my foot? "Man, was last night weird!

Into the great wide open

UH, Hey, can I join you? I guess. What's your namE?

I like rabbits 'cause you can pull their ears back and make them look like Asian people. (IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC) Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!" Can I have another bourbon, please? Hey, Blondie. You wanna get together with my dogwood? What? Dogwood? You know,

Red-headed lady reaching for an apple

Turkey! Ahh!

(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

That's no moon. It's a space station.

I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor."

Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Superman. Batman and Robin.

He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him.

Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

And then wake up with a rash Yeah, they wake up Wake up, wake up, wake up With a rash Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight

Mom, I can't find my jacket. (LAUGHING) (CRYING)

Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter. 10 years ago Daddy offered to give us $10 million, and I turned it down. What? Yes. And I'll always turn it down because money just complicates everything. We don't need money because we have each other. Happiness isn't about buying expensive things,

Why are we tilting? Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay? You're coming in too fast! Look out! (BOTH SCREAMING)

Especially if they have food, because bar food is so overpriced. Man, who invited Anne Frank?

Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter. Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent!

Can this day get any more stressful?

Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

All right, we're going Brazilian. Hey, what's this? Some kind of really old coin. Let me see that. Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token.

(IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late. Your dad told me all about you. You sound like a swell fella. Thanks. So where are you from? I'm from the rich part of town, so you know I'm a good egg. But I'm more interested in you.

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

Hey, where's my V.C.R.? Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box! It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony." You gave away all the presents? Lois, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Peter, you brought glad tidings

I--I was making radio shows for fun. E-e-Everybody does it. E-Everybody I know-- Shut up!

You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?

So there it is, Lois. My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it!

They think I'm an alien? Yes, and you have to get out of here right away! But you're Quagmire's dog. Why would you be helping me instead of him? Because. (STUTTERS) I don't know why. I can't explain it. I feel like you're my friend.

I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God!

Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby.

Good-bye, kids. Good-bye, Pearl. Hey, Who wants to see a dead body?

Well, that was quite a performance. My performance? What about you? "Golly, Lois, where do you shop? "Gee, your house looks beautiful. "Hey, I have an inside-out penis." I never said her house looks beautiful. Because, frankly, it didn't.

Hey-oh mother africa oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality.

I'll see you next week. So What is it, Brian? You don't think these women understand you or-- you know, Lois, i'm--I'm really not comfortable talking about this a-melodically.

3 of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament. Oh, Come on, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris? Now I do.

A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

I'm the one who made you popular! (CHUCKLES) No, Connie. Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular. Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out! (CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

What's that? - Acorns. - Acorns? Acorns, that's what I said! - We sound too much alike. - I know.

(STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it, and they're willing to do it around me all the time, because they know I'm so cool about it, and I don't judge them. So, you know, go ahead... Well, here we go. Yup, that's what my friends say, too. "Well, here we go." Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too.

Okay, here's another one. Who would you rather do? Jabba the Hutt right after a shower or a service droid? My father was a service droid. Hey, where are you going? You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body.

(KOKOMO PLAYING) STEWIE: Key Largo, Montego Baby, why don't we go down to Kokomo But not too fast 'Cause Stewie takes it slow

PETER: Get that!

What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one.

(FEEDBACK ON PA) A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl RED: To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about.

Because I wanted to see if I could. What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn.

All right. I'll do something special for her.

You think so? I know so.

Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid. Oh, my God! Everybody, this is Joan. Hi. Hello.

I'm confident that the people of Quahog will make the right choice. And here to help me secure the Latino vote is actor Jimmy Smits. Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil.

I don't understand what you're saying, but somehow I feel safer. Karl, this is Chris. He wants to join our club. Karl is our chancellor. Well, Chris, we'd be happy to have you. There's just one little rite of initiation.

(SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there? Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else.

I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street I can riot, loot, not give a hoot

like I've never needed a friend before.

BRIAN: So, what are we on, the first floor? CHRIS: We are on the second floor. PETER: No, no, no, here's the Banana Republic, and we just passed that. It's right back there. We parked on the Macy's side, so now we must be over here by the JCPenney. CHRIS: It looks like the first floor is mostly men's stuff, and there's a Lady Foot Locker right over there. BRIAN: All right, so we're on the third floor.

You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back.

Oh, no! there's 4 tickets and one of them's gone, that--that--that-- that leaves... this many.

Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot. What's the President doing in this casket? We'll tell you right after this. Hey, Meg, nice job on that report last night. Wow! Thanks, Mr. Tucker. That means so much coming from someone as handsome as yourself. Say, How'd you like to pick up A handsome man's dry cleaning? Well, sure. But isn't that Neil's job?

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it. - That is freaking smurf. - Yeah. Hello? Oh, my God! Peter, why are you staring into the dryer? I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See, now--Now, those are Chris' socks, right?

Good stuff. Good stuff. You're not gonna get the $26, and you're despicable for trying.

I am not, in fact, the president of Hot Wheels. And I also lied about the giant chef's hat. I do not have one. Mmm-hmm. Well, the small lies don't matter. Let's go. (SIGHS) Why am I doing this?

Loretta? Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here? I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.

"Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under till the bubbles stopped! Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you.

Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist. Get it? Tooth hurty? (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch! I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real! Okay, Peter, Lois did great. You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again.

This is fun. We're having fun. Hey, what do you say we get some drinks? Hey, boy. Boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda,

But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though. Well, you know, They're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get 'em back. My father wasn't there for me, but damn it I'm gonna be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!

I mean, wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something,

Last stop. What? This isn't the airport. (DISTANT GUNFIRE) Oh, my God, Rupert! We've got to get out of here! Aw, damn it!

Laugh and cry

(LAUGHS) He's so bossy. I love it. Well, it was great seeing you, Glenn. (LAUGHING)

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit. Fellas, our way of life is being threatened, and we got to do something about it. Couldn't we just ask the women to leave?

Patience, lad.

I'm confident that the people of Quahog will make the right choice. And here to help me secure the Latino vote is actor Jimmy Smits. Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) That's our guy!

Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE.

Hey! Neil and Cecilia. I didn't expect to see you here. Meet Jake, my boyfriend. I want some BB's. My dad lets me shoot at cats. Hi, Meg.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed There's the guy who sits beside you

Hey, fuck you, man.

I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just...

- Sir? - Yeah? Sir, the FBI is here. Oh, the FBI is here now? Yes, sir. Right over there. Hold this. Want a breath mint? (LAUGHING) Breath mint.

He's cooking something up.

"I alone had reached the target objective, "thanks to the intrepidity "I developed at testicular boot camp. "But it was a trap! "I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for 9 grueling months." Day 171. I've sprouted another finger, counting the one from yesterday.

No, Peter That was a one-time thing, all right? I am not a boxer, and I'm not fighting anyone else. And that's final. All right, well, how about this, then? I'll take you somewhere real fancy and romantic for dinner, just the two of us. And in return, I get to try and convince you to fight. Well, going out for dinner would be nice. But I'm not changing my mind.

Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it! - Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life!

You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to 2 Filipino women and a man. You mean 3 Filipino women! No!

I like you and have no reason not to. Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? (ALL YELLING) There you boys are. How was your meeting? Twenty-nine more and we're done, that's how it was.

Great. I'll see you guys tonight.

It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back. God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it. Yeah, it's been pretty great. You know, I even won a deep voice contest with Joe yesterday.

How are your eggs, Joe? If he doesn't say anything about me calling him "Joe," that means we're truly in love. She just called me "Joe." That's kind of weird. But I'll just let it slide. She's got nothing going on. Besides, what harm could it do? They're delicious, Meg. Thanks. You're welcome, Joe.

so, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested. Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women.

"'Allo, Mother.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION)

You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay?

Peter, I really appreciate this, but are you sure people are ready? Absolutely, O.J. This party will give you a chance to get know everybody and give them a chance to get to know the real O.J. Simpson. Peter, do you really expect anyone to show up? Sure I do. Look, here comes a bunch of people.

Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it?

(EXCLAIMING) (SPEAKS SPANISH) STEWIE: Yes. Could you please put Brian back on? No. No. Doggy afuera. You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Listen, I don't want to point fingers, but I'm missing about $1,000 in play money. I take. What? You took it? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back!

PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Play me down the stairs, boys. Good day. Enchante. Pasta Fazul. Mmm. Looking good, fellas. Brian, do you know anything about this?

Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

(HOOFBEATS APPROACHING) What the deuce? Bring out the Christ Child! We want him! Uh-oh. (WHIRRING) I may have a virgin mom, but I am one bad mother.

This is Faisal, my son and the heir to my throne. My father was correct. Your beauty knows no bounds. Fair goddess, it is my hope that you will agree to be my wife, but the choice is yours. If you say "no," I will have you flown back to your family on our private jet.

Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you!

Ooh it up A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

You know, Roy, I hope you play squash better than you pass. Well, we'll find out this Saturday. (BOTH LAUGHING) LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers,

All right, all the lights are out. They must be asleep. It's go time. (CLANKING) Peter, what the hell was that? That's what you do, Lois. Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm that I'm at the various checkpoints. Oh. Okay.

You've done nothing but hold me back!

Thomas, would you please go look for a job?

My word, Penelope, you and I seem to have quite a lot in common. Do you actually use these? Only when fear, spite, jealousy and revenge demand. I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me. (GASPS) You're wicked. Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern.

Of course I love you, Lois!

They have faces, don't they? Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? You bet your ass I am. Look at you! You're pathetic. What kind of a man gets fired by a broad? A man with a female boss? Don't crack wise. Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line, you got turned around. You're a man! And what do you think it means to be a man?

- What do you care? - Because I think I'm in love with her. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off. What are you talking about? I'm talking about my meat. Gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking it, I just push it in like a button and put a Band-Aid over it. What kind of Band-Aid?

My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young.

At this point, the dinosaur in the backseat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it. Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well. The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared.

Cool. Rock on, Brian. Okay, done. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Stewie. Hey. What's up?

I'm all worked up right now, so we have to do it. Just do it, okay? Before... What are we drinking anyway? Glenfiddich. Love her! Oh, you know what? I'll just sterilize it in the scotch. You just sterilize it in the scotch. Why didn't... It's... Bitch, sterilize that bitch up, you know?

Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word

He's gonna help me with my math homework. Chris, he's just a baby. Oh, And you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again? Hmm? The University of Duh?

Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay. Jim. Your name is Jim. Close enough, Peter!

and there's nothing you can change about that. But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you let them. If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself.

Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

All right, now Kids, I don't want anyone swimming in this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty. Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy.

I just wanna shoot him.

Holy crap! No way. No freakin' way. Quagmire, take a picture. Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Hey! Keep it down. It's just two guys making out. Relax. Stewie, go to bed. What, am I expected to put myself to bed? Is no one taking care of me?

I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim.

Hey, you! Stay!

Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? (ALL LAUGHING)

Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again. And this time, I decide where the base is.

I hate those guys. Yeah, me, too. Come on. Let's head back down. At least the hard part's over.

Okay, if everything worked properly, this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are.

What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so.

Shut up, old man. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians.

All my dreams Pass before my eyes, that curiosity Dust in the wind

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thanks, evil... Thanks, Monkey. I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in.

Besides, I have a girlfriend, I'm dating Jillian. All right, Brian. I understand. Good. I'm gonna grab Stewie and then we can go. What's that Brian? Oh, you were just kidding?

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

What We need is a picture for the front page. Hold on A sec. I got to rinse my retainer. I'm looking For something tasteful like the Malaysia spread in last month's Vanity Fair. That was so sweet. It was wicked awesomE.

Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris. Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut! I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?

Babs, you want to sit and watch... No. I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people...

Well, I can't say I blame you. I hate him as much as you do, Brian. He's a bad fit, like a crocodile at an alligator rally. Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out! Yeah! Yeah! Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it! Yeah! Yeah!

Where the hell is our food? Yeah, where are Mom and Dad?

my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? Peter, what are you doing here?

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it.

if you're willing to go this far to get a divorce, then maybe we shouldn't be married after all. What... What are you saying? I'm saying, I'll give you your divorce. You're off the hook. Oh! Oh, thank you, Charmese. Thank you so much. (STAMMERS) I can't believe you'd do that for me. Well, it's for me, too.

(SLURRING) You know what we should do? You know what we should do? We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go. Just go and start a business. (SLURRING) You know, I never... I never told anyone this, but you're so good at cursive.

Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits. Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event, because of some wacko doomsday theory. Ok, Ok.

Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations. Aw, That's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn. You taped over our wedding video? Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff.

You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox.

Now, you got to bring that out or else I have nothing to react to. Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, Meg... You know what's strange? I think I might be gay.

Do you think we could find it? We have to, Chris. We gotta eat something besides what they're feeding us. I know what you mean, Dad. I'm so hungry I could eat this dead camper. Holy crap! Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet,

Isn't that the little boy who pushed you?

I'll send for my thingS.

I'm just pointing out the party's ru-ined. You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this. Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening.

Oh, uh, huh, Hey, Cleveland.

Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait. Look, look, rubber chicken, you know? I should do, like, the whole tape with this in my hand, you know? Just totally, like, with the chicken right here because everyone will be like, "What the hell? What-- What is-- What is 'Death to Americans'?" Just let him do it. Let him do the tape.

(ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four.

Oh, It's ok, Death. You just worry about feelin' better. Lois, What the hell are you doing? Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't diE. Go on. That's iT.

Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?

Look!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time.

I hooked up with a guy tonight, a high school guy, and I think maybe he'll call tomorrow. You may be disappointed.

Now wait, so the white ball has to hit one of the stripy balls? Yes! How many times you gonna ask me that? I don't know, I'm just a baby. All right, so I guess I'll go ahead and... What is it you called it? Break. Break. Right, break. Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh?

We might have to release Peter back into the wild. What! We can't do that. We'll never see him again! Eh, enough time passes, you'll forget all about him.

Bonnie, we'll discuss this later! Joe! You're not taking my son anywhere. Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving! And it's my second favorite holiday, right after Pretend Not to Notice People's Race Day. Hey, you seen Reggie around? Which one is Reggie? Oh, today he's wearing yellow pants,

What do you think? I got this for doing that car dealership ad. All right, enough messing around. Let's play this game. Let's play some football. Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude. How many times have I told you, no showboating? Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun. I got it under control.

I'd just like to return this VHS copy of Pete's Dragon.

Wow, Disney gets us!

Right, kid. Don't get penisy. I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! No. God! It smells horrible!

Wait a minute, Rupert, there's a weapons systems cooling duct on the far side of the hull. If we can get just one good shot at it, we can blow that fat bastard out of the cosmos.

I suppose I'm not either. I guess none of us are perfect. Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J.

just once, I could at least have some sort of closure. Well, if Kent hooks up with your brother, you could just have Chris describe every last detail to you. Oh, my God, that's it. What do you mean? I mean, if I can't have Kent, then that's the next best thing. I've just got to get Chris to sleep with him.

That's why I keep a cork in my bum. Daddy? Daddy, can you hear me? Oh, God, we should never have brought him here. You're right, dear. I can't stand to see him like this. Well, we got to do something. Don't worry, you guys, I think I might know how to fix this. But first, look. I turned him into Groucho Marx.

Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down on my way to give a speech about how T.V. keeps families together.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian.

LOIS ON TV: I think you've had enough, Peter. PETER ON TV: You don't know. Get away! I know my body better than you! Is that us? Yes, Peter. You were so handsome, and it was such a wonderful week. Hey, buddy, I think that girl likes me. Of course she does. She's your wife.

This man seems bent on diluting the already watered-down significance... of the elevated hand slap.

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. (BEEPS) All right, you guys, that was Lois. She's gonna be here in 10 minutes. Dad, how did you get Mom out of the house so we could decorate?

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing?

It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants. (LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming? It's coming, it's coming. There are some problems.

Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore. And they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.

(CAR APPROACHING) Ahhh!

Look, I didn't know my room was gonna be scrutinized. If you don't like it, let's get out of here.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter.

I'm Jewish! Yeah! Holocaust! We're number one! Look at all these short, hairy men. God, I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor. Good afternoon. As we approach the Passover holiday, let us remember the struggle of our people as they labored under the yoke of Pharaoh's despotic rule.

Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah! (EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete.

we wouldn't have crime or violencE. My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her! I can't work this way. I quit! Fine. We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along.

Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you! Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films! Hello. What is that on your ear? Is that-- Is that hair gel?

Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. (STAMMERING) Oh, I... Hang on. (GUN FIRES) I'd love to go, Meg, but I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night.

Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. Silence! We demand obedience! Or else! Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though. Anyone who opposes our demands will be destroyed.

We'll be right back, after this.

Lebeau's withdrawal now leaves housewife Lois Griffin running unopposed. Oh, My goodness! I win by default! Great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back. I'm sorry! But I do have a mind of my own! And I happen to agree with the School Board's decision. Yeah, yeah. I know, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Well, It looks like we're gonna to have to reconsider. Brian, we want you... Yes! off the stage. But your young friend there would make a perfect addition to the school's Rising Star Program. Well, splendid! This calls for a sexy party!

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody!

Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day. Chris, being expelled is a serious thing. Peter, we've got to find another school for him. I say, I could home-school him. After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop. Oh!

I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr. I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you?

It's still the same old story A fight for love and glory A case of do or die

No, Friday is taco night. Oh, darn. (GASPS) But today is Friday! Yep! (BOTH CHUCKLING) Gotcha! Oh, my God, we're going to have so much fun.

It's a paradise, Brian. Trees grow from Republican sod And everyone prays to a proper right-wing god Republican Catholics?

Hey, Peter. What's up? Hey, Quagmire. Listen, I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio. Whoa, whoa, slow down there, partner. All sales are final.

Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No.

it sure was, Ed. in this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi Watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say, "She sells seashells down by the seashore." What does your mom do For A living? She sells seashells down by the... That is kind of a tongue twister. It's good to have you home, Peter. Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok.

Money. I'll be upstairS.

And here I was looking forward to a nice day of golf,

Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter. Nice going. This dinner was a disaster. Eh. Clash of the Titans' owl was worse. So, you're from Greece? I've always wanted to go there. What's it like?

All right, almost done here, Glenn. There we are, all finished.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."

Whoops. Whoa-- Whoa. Hang on, Hang on.

(SNIFFING) - Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint. - What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! (STEWIE SCREAMING) Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party.

Sure. Don't be ridiculous. I'll keep him company till you get back. Goodbye, Meg. Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you?

and now he looks better than he ever did. Well, they say laughter is the best medicine. Maybe he went to a comedy club or something. (LAUGHING) In my neighborhood, we didn't have no Kool-Aid. We had food coloring and water. - Mama used to call it "Fool-Aid." - (LAUGHING) CARTER: No, I don't get that. And everybody had an Uncle Earl.

Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this.

It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels, 'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

(Lois) Sucker!

I wonder where we're going. Calm down!

You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and...

No! Right! Go! Go, go, go. All right, twist it counter-clockwise.

Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual don't mind comin' in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people.

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

We've been hustled! Nobody says that anymore. Well, then what would you call it, Jared? I wouldn't comment on it! We were all there. We know what happened.

What the hell is Lois doing with another man? Is it possible she's a whore? Uh, you know, Just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? Uh, You know what? Let's just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.

Oh, I don't want to bother him. Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you.

No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. I shall call you "Eduardo." Peter, how can we afford this? You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting-- A big raise! Peter, that's wonderful! But, Dad, I thought--

God! Why does that turn me on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. Daddy, you're the embarrassment. Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run! PETER: And so they set off on their escape to the North. Luckily, they were helped by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings, who showed up on his trusty white bronco.

Wow, you must be proud. Sure am. He was like a hero to me when I was growing up. You know who was my hero? Aquaman, and his secret alter ego, Arthur Curry. Wow, you saved our lives, Aquaman! Just doing my job.

"What is Hope?" by Chris and Meg Griffin. Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked. Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream. Your breasts may be small and your glasses may be thick, but hope doesn't hold up a mirror.

Oh, no. That boy's ball fell out of the cup. Oh, but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS. Excuse me? Second request. Present hall pass.

Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus. Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there. In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest.

It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!

Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes we all need to forgive! I stole $10 from Meg's room! I stole $10 from Mom's purse! I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years. Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society.

- $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash. - Cold in here? - Nope, just really small. Face it, Mom. No matter what I wear, I look ugly. Meg, you're being.... That's....

Yeah. You know something, Brian? I bet you make the late-night monologues. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse.

What's moose stuff? Whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake.

(EXCLAIMS) That is so nice of you. Yeah, let's put it on ice. You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder

Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Oh, by the way, I should tell you I've got AIDS. - What? Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. Ready to go when you are, sir! Poor guys, they both have AIDS. Not okay! (LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man.

Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium.

The baby's hospital bill drained all our savings,

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter!

Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry. - There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry. I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached. What's all the commotion?

Hey, got one more here! (IN GIRL'S VOICE) Oh! Where are we? I'm from Atlanta. I don't know where we are! Hey, you better hurry. They're starting soon.

Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

How the hell did all this skin get on my arm?

Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance! Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed.

All right, now, We're gonna use a fan brush here. And, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green. And We're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret.

And you couldn't help but notice that the female lawyer Running the seminar had a huge rack Like, ridiculously huge for someone Who has to talk about that kind of stuff Well, I guess that's the definition of the word, "Irony"

(DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you? Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore, hamburgers, French fries, Cokes. (CHUCKLING) You kids don't know what I'm talking about. I love how all the servers look like celebrities from the '50s.

And I have some wonderful news. I'm not pregnant. BOTH: What? (DOOR SLAMS) Dad, I'm sorry about this whole mess.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?

Oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold, and I get squat. I'll be in the car. That was a very productive first day, Brian. Our goal here is to find your X-factor,

(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary.

No. What are you talking about? Well, like the whole business last night with the TV. I'm just saying, maybe we have a poltergeist. Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts. It's all just... (GASPING) Oh, I must have accidentally stacked all those things upside down and then just forgot about it. Yeah, that's probably what happened.

Like rugelach or hamentashen or hachahachahacha.

Loretta, we leave certain parts of our lives in the past for a reason. What you and I... You can go ahead and put your clothes back on. What you and I had was a wonderful thing, and as much as I still have a great deal of love for you, our time is over. I love somebody else.

When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear.

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said. And now back to Disney's Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts.

Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.

I faked all my orgasms.

Did you see The Great Outdoors? No. You suck. Hey, I found the pool cues.

Stewie, the point of the baloney is that I don't know the pill is there. Why am I standing under an air vent? Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..." - You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you're from Greece? I've always wanted to go there. What's it like? (WHIRRING) (MECHANICAL HOOTING) I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying. Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin. I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.

Isn't that the American dream? Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper. Mayor West only banned gay marriage so he could distract from the Dig 'Em scandal. He won't get away with it. Oh, Jasper, where'd you get these brownies? They're from a bakery in the West Quahog gay district. I thought they'd help my depression. Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God, they pack so much fudge into these.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is Kevin's first birthday since he came home from Iraq.

Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here?

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you.

"Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office,

How's it coming, dog? God! Just listen to this kid's report on Great Expectations. "Miss Havisham should have throwed that cake out so it don't like... "mess all up the bitch's house."

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways. I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

(LAUGHING) Wow, I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual. And by laughing at other people's sexuality, somehow I feel better about my own.

Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story. Oh, I got a million of them. Like this, like uh, my buddy's sister's boss, he was, uh, drinking with a hooker in this Vegas bar. Bam! Woke up without his kidney.

I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind. Hey, you guys wanna see something? Grab a beer and follow me.

Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake. High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame. I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are. What the hell do you know about high school?

(CLEARS THROAT) You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa? What is your problem, Snoopy? Look, what it comes down to is that these false promises of, like, a quick fix to any and any problem that you would ever have,

Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

We were both 14, and it was winter, and we had terrible head colds. Yes. Mine especially was very bad. I had terrible mucus coming out from inside my nose. And the other children, they were very nasty to me about that. They said bad, hurtful things to me. They called me "Tasty Cakes" and they would beat me

Oh, my God.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping!

Hey, Guido, watch this. Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha!

We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

"Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" ew, Your breath smells like kitty litter! I was curious!

Where's the thing? Where's the catheter thing?

Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch. May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card? (LAUGHS) Hey, Lois. Diamond Jim Brady over here just asked if we accept the Discover card. LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive club called "anybody."

Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

So, what do you want for dinner? I was thinking about making us that lamb and rice you love. Well, you know, Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner is, uh, to go out. Brian, you know I can't do that. I haven't left this house in such a long time. I'm afraid. I know. But I'll be with you. I don't know.

They're whores. Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh? Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl. Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door?

This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear!

(BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you!

Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS) Uh-oh.

We as American adults with free will have the right to use marijuana if we choose to! Enough government profiteering under the guise of morality! Enough with this phony war on drugs! (PEOPLE CHATTERING) You know, you're going about this all wrong, Brian. If you want to win people over,

I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man.

They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But I'm here to tell you, that as of today, PTV is officially shut down.

I could be one of those famous voiceover artists you hear on TV or in the movies. Ugh! Her doing voiceover? Who wants to hear that? Maybe she could be one of those annoying voices that goes, "Uh, uh, uh. Not that product." MALE ANNOUNCER: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than 100 grams of sodium? Uh, uh, uh.

You ready in there? Yeah. (MAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) You put some fake poo on the floor... Oh, no! Get out! Get out! Scat!

Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is. - From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots. Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache?

Shocking to say the least. I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst. At least they believe in a God, even if it's a smelly brown God.

Look, there's only one way to settle this.

Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to you!

Yeah, it's a long story. Damn kid's kept me up every night for two weeks. Now, where were we? Giggity Giggity... (SNORING)

Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look.

Thank you so much. You've been very understanding. Gosh. You know, I don't mean to impose, but do you have a picture of yourself... that I could tape to the back of Lois's head?

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue?

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

I suppose you did. I just wish my opinion mattered to you. Well, The important thing is it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all. Hey, Cleveland, come here. check out my onboard computer navigation system. Standard. Left turn ahead. Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff.

I got you now, Briggs.

Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris. Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut!

Every beer I've ever had Is on a shelf above my bed And sometimes, I put my speakers facing out my window

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now!

What does that... What are you driving at? Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving.

No! You bastards! (CRYING)

Brian, going back in time ruined my life. We've got to get Death to send us back to 1984 again, so I can undo what I did. Or we could just make the best of this. Al Gore is President. We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.

The cave is collapsing! This is no cave. What?

(GASPING)

Get out!

Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

Well, At first I wanted you to fail. But then I realized you'd be out of the house 5 days a week, which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties.

Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet. (LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands!

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone? I want to prove something to these guys.

Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid. No one buy wheel. Peter, you invent wheel? That big breakthrough. This maybe make you millionaire. Then how come no one buy Peter wheel? Maybe sales pitch not good enough. Brian help.

(LAUGHING) That's a good one, Money Joe! I don't like what this money is doing to us. It's even affecting Brian and Stewie.

I wish I was big. Blast!

And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months.

No, Peter. Don't you see? He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie. What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet.

(GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama!

(BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane, there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry. PETER: After flying for what seemed like hours,

Peter, how are we gonna get past the guard? Lois, I think I just got an idea. You see that guy with the overcoat? He's tall enough for us to sneak in behind him, come on. So remember, sex is bad, immoral, and wrong. And if you have sex, you're automatically in Al-Qaeda.

(WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

High school's like Lord of the Flies. It's a social nightmare. And I hear Canadian high schools are even worse. Well, well, look who matriculated to grade nine. Someone wants to get into university. Hey, guys, I'm sorry. Well, you're gonna be sorry when we put you in the hospital for free, eh?

Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor. And I always heard me nana talk about how she took a duke. Must've been a difficult marriage, too, 'cause every afternoon she'd be bellyaching about her bloody duke. I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow.

Good morning, First Family. Ooh, Lois, what's in this coffee? Isn't it wonderful? The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing.

"I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm. Remember how they only needed little girls? Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois. You're not telling anybody, friend. No, no, you're gonna be my on-set guardian. You're out of your mind.

Oh, no. What happened? (GASPS) That's terrible. Oh, my God, just awful. Well, you give them my best. Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach. Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's.

(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!

Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team. That's a winner in my book. Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady. - Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah.

Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher! Get your buttscratcher here! Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher? Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher. Buttscratcher. MAN: Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher!

Here's Cheaper by the Dozen, and in Spanish, it's called Small Family.

Oh, what a mess! Look at that!

I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude.

When the time comes, you'll know.

Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR. Let's go throw up. - Sure! - Good idea! Hey, I love throwing up. Hi. I'm Jennifer. Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it.

and he's turning the family into a bunch of douches. Big deal. You always told me I was a douche. Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again. Hi, I'm looking for Glenn? Oh! What happened to your leg? (CRYING)

Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide. Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back. I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom.

(JET SOARING) What the hell is that?

That was a very productive first day, Brian. Our goal here is to find your X-factor, the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place.. Well, just-- just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders.

Sandy? Oh, Not again. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Or am I? Can we please talk about Peter? He has so much to live for, Death. He loves his children and mE--

There's only one way you're not getting on that train. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

We're having much better luck developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons. Oh, damn. Well, I guess we'll just let you get back to work.

Now do you see what I was saying about Fox News? They have an incredibly biased agenda. You should do the story anyway. You think so? Absolutely. They're hypocrites. They wanted you to do the story when they thought it would embarrass Michael Moore. But they don't want you to do it if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh. But you didn't want me to do the story when it was gonna embarrass Michael Moore.

Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us!

Hey, sweet ass. Last night was fantastic. Hello? Where'd you go?

My God. It's miraculous.

Well, we got a few hours to kill. What do you want to do? Let's get something to eat. We don't have any money. Brian, pull over there. I'll get us some money. Now wait, so the white ball has to hit one of the stripy balls?

This is the story of a great adventure that happened to me and some of my pals. It all began innocently enough, with my stupid wife showing me some dumbass brochure. So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. You and I will have one cabin, and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two. Oh, this is going to be so much fun!

Now Give me the other half of the amulet! I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh.

Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you.

Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

That's not what I'm talking about. I've got nothing against homosexuals. I mean, I'll watch anything with David Schwimmer. But the idea of two men actually getting married, it just doesn't seem right. Hey, I say who cares, you know? If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us, I say we should let them. JASPER: Oh, no!

Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down!

Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity.

Wait a minute, where... Oh, my God, where's Stewie? Don't panic, Lois, we'll find him. I'm good at picking people out of a crowd.

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.

I am so outrageous. Give me the cash. - Cold in here? - Nope, just really small. Face it, Mom. No matter what I wear, I look ugly. Meg, you're being.... That's.... Let's try down here. Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave.

Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh! Oh, thanks. Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right? So fun. You know, I had a really fun night, Brian. You seem like a really cool guy. Yeah. Um... Hey, you know, if you don't mind, I'm sort of a low-profile kind of person.

Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity."

I've tangled with the likes of these before. Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus. Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there.

This is wonderful. Look at this, Peter. "Two hundred die in train derailment." Oh, God, Lois. That is just morbidly obese. No, no, Peter. Right here. I mentioned to Shauna that they ought to change the name of James Woods High... to Martin Luther King, Jr., and she really ran with it. The school board is voting on it tomorrow.

StEwie, are You ready to-- Go away! You're not fat, Chris.

Meg, that was awesome.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper! Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor. How was your flight? Oh, torture! Five hours on my moneymaker,

A scarf. I don't want a scarf, Dad. Well, then, how about a dozen scarves? (SINGING) (COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING)

Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt.

Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin. A few years ago, we did an episode called "Viewer Mail" where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock,

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(GROWLING THE RIGHT STUFF) Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me. But unfortunately he's not available.

I said, when people die, they void their bowels. PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass. Well, you look a lot better.

Get to the chopper.

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

Hello, Peter. I've been expecting you. You stole my credit card, you son of a bitch. What did I ever do to you? That's a good question, Peter. What did you ever do to me? What did you ever do to James Woods? Well, I locked you in a wooden crate and forgot to put an air hole in it.

Well, let's go find him and kick his ass. That sounds swell. (IT'S A SUNSHINE DAY PLAYING) I think I'll go for a walk outside now The summer sun's calling my name

Hey... Hey, Darth? Darth?

Just waiting for my breakfast... Lois! I know how to get her attention.

Oh, I had so much fun today, Brian. So did I.

Oh, my God, Brian! Are you okay? Oh, don't worry. I'm fine. I'm just sort of bandaged up right now. You must be Kate's parents. It's so nice to meet you. Well, it's lovely to meet you, too. So, what happened? What happened is this one's a hero, is what happened. Rescued two children from a burning building. Can you imagine? Not quite in time, they were both horribly burned.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta. Newport would like to extend a special welcome... to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding.

Get your filthy paws off!

Uh, yeah, kind of. Well, I might be able to help you out.

Now, remember, Peter, we're going to be right here in the van if anything goes wrong. Just try to get O.J. talking about the murders. Do you think he'd be offended if I asked him to sign this basketball? Yeah, I think he'd be very offended. QUAGMIRE: Oh! All right, Joe. Can you hear me?

Come here.

You what? Yeah, we're rich now. I don't need to be working. Oh, you should've been there, Lois. I told Angela what she could do with that job, just like I always fantasized. Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment.

Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner, he'd still be alive and you'd still have your job. Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. We just have to scrimp a little, that's all. You know, Sell some stuff we don't really need. This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married,

Come on, Woody. We're gonna search for food. Sorry, Chris. The plant can't come. It's his best friend. Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed.

Mom, can I be excused? I want to go eat the rest of my food up in my room. Sure, Meg, if you want. Eating disorder! I don't know what's going on with Meg. She doesn't want to leave her room these days.

What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say?

I'm gonna go out into the world and see what I can make of myself. I can be somebody here. And it should be easy for you because, I mean, what luck, you're white! You have no idea how big that is here. Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris.

Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987. ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen...

It is so good to be home. You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values. But values don't come from where you live or who your friends are.

How the hell did you even get a TV show, Peter? I just answered an ad off Craigslist, and after several hours of sexual torture, I had a show. (PHONE RINGS) Don't answer that. I gave out that number under duress. Lois, Peter's show is on the local public access channel.

This is too freaky. Why didn't that thing take us home? I don't know! I told you, it hasn't been fully tested yet. Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure. HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast. The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air. Naked plastic chicks.

What? (LAUGHING CRAZILY) (BABBLING)

Come to the island where I live And you got a pretty good chance To make it home

Oh, You truly are beautiful. You know that?

All right, Bri, this is it, our first town. I'm gonna head for that roof. Why are we tilting? Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay? You're coming in too fast! Look out!

(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home. Oh, you're just in time. I ordered Caucasian for dinner. Chris, I'm hungry. It's your turn to keep watch for the cops.

I'm just like Barbara Bush! Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try.

How about now?

I mean, if Lois wants to be a model... we don't got any right to stop her. You really mean that, Peter? Of course, I do. I just want you to be happy. This is ridiculous. No daughter of mine is going to be happy. Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk.

She's been shot! (ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.

What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything? No, it's too dark.

You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie?

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

Pull the car around. Come on, let's go!

(ALARM BUZZING) Ma'am, is this your bag?

you'll know.

Good afternoon, mustache wearers. Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet. There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month, as it is the 70th birthday of his mustache? Oh, I think we just send a nice card. Just make sure it has a mustache on it. Point of mustache.

This one isn't very fun. Wait a minute, where are we? Yeah, this doesn't look like the main highway anymore. You think we made a wrong turn? I hope not. These backwoods parts of the Deep South ain't a place you want to get lost in. (POLICE SIREN BLARING) Oh, no. Don't worry about it, guys.

This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory.

Mom, you could be a world champion,

Please leave the light off, Lois. I don't want to be seen right now. I imagine you wouldn't, the way you've been acting. I thought you might say something like that. Well, you do have it coming. Anyway, I convinced Meg to go to the dance. So I'm gonna go drop her off. Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson.

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots... at a karaoke bar, doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band. Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome. Wait. What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure.

The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way.

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

(WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time. The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, and everyone was making up their Christmas lists.

Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right.

He may even be downright, well, stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him. I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin.

You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting.

There's like a million of you. What do you need business cards for? Well, they're for my cookie business. I don't want... Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING) That chocolate chip cookie looks like the Death Star.

You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

Heh. Look at this. It's some kind of plastic root. There's no such thing as a plastic root.

It's not too late, Meg. I'm here for you.

yes, Yes, that's right. A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep."

Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare. You swore on the seesaw. (LAUGHING)

Mother, Peter's an excellent provider.

Shut up. And then forgets four seconds later that he ate it.

I had a very traumatic experience.

Why the hell did we get off here? My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her. Oh, well, So she's in Austin, mmm? 8 miles that way? Yes. All right. So instead of driving down this sun-parched highway, we've now got to walk? Uh, Pretty much. Yeah.

It's a robot that I built to save this company money. Now, before you say anything, one, it has no human emotions, and two, its prime directive is never to harm people.

But I... How did that come up? Oh! You know, we were talking about pretty people. And I said Rachel Maddow, and she kind of took the baton from there and said Meg Griffin. Who's Rachel Maddow? - A model. - Oh. Yeah. Okay, I'll do it.

Garfield, 1982.

I won't be able to function in the real world. Ok, now What you gotta do is go down the road past the old Johnson place. And You're gonna find 2 roads, one parallel and one perpendicular. Now Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for "x."

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS!

Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok?

The broccoli must die.

If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS) Carter, get out of here this instant!

It's so awesome! I want it! Hey, fellas! I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind,

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful? It's nice they put Joseph in there, even though he's not really the father. Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem?

That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.

Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little...

and right before I get to the last panel, Billy blurts out, he goes, "You know, those firemen showed up to get a cat out of the tree, "but it turns out it's really Marmaduke up there." It ruined the whole damn thing! Peter, in Billy's defense, the strip is called Marmaduke, and Marmaduke had not yet made an appearance. You probably should've seen that coming. I tell ya, he was fun at first,

You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

reading your diary, farting in your cereal when you go to get milk and then laughing, "She doesn't know she's eating my fart". But, you know, Meg, I'm starting to realize I got a really wonderful daughter. Thanks, Dad.

(BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie! What do you say, Joe? You want your past life read? It'll be fun.

you're gonna be back to your old self again. Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone. You're all here because you've made a choice to renounce your evil, sinful ways, and redeem yourselves in the eyes of your Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who hates many people, but none more than homosexuals. And through our carefully structured program, you will succeed.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Who want little tiny tacos? Oh, little taco. I'll have one of those. (ALL GASPING) It's him! Sorry I took so long.

Ah, ah, ah, yeah

Two hundred auditions and nothing. We still got one guy waiting. You lined up 201 auditions? What a weird number. You're weird. Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to.

I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today. Great, but can we do it after 5:00? There's a ball game on. Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out. Do you mind, Brian? No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET.

(ROARING) (GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man. - They just came out of the trees. - You saved my ass back there. You saved mine. - Here's to Snap. - To Snap. This sucks.

OFFICER: Hands behind your back. CLEVELAND: Hey, easy, watch it! (SCUFFLING) OFFICER: Come on. Don't you fight me, boy! Get down on the ground! CLEVELAND: Come on! No! OFFICER: Hey! Get back here! (GUNSHOT) CLEVELAND: Ow! My arm! (PANTING) This looks like a safe place to rest. (DOGS BARKING) OFFICER: I think he went this way!

You know you love it. I just have one small change. Oh? Could Poopy Face Tomato Nose's nose be a plum? How dare you? It's a small change. And if you do it, we'll really get behind this show. A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer,

There's enough food to last us forever! Peter, we're saved! You were right. We can settle down here and build a house, just like we had in quahog. Yeah! And We can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out! And 2 Denny's, so we can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one." Oh, We can have quagland get Joe out of the driveway. And, And we can build a community, just like the one we had.

Oh, my God. You're right. I married this 11-year-old girl for all the wrong reasons. I'm sorry, Loka. I guess I just came here because I was afraid of being a freshman. Freshman? Freshman!

All right, one, two, three, go!

Oh, my God, that was so awesome. I saw everything. You were all like... (TALKING GIBBERISH) And Briggs was all like... (GIBBERISH) And then you were all like... (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) And then Briggs's legs were like... (WHISTLING) Oh, crap, he's dead.

Talk to me, Goose. Please don't call me that. You're my eyes, Goose. Keep an eye out for those Krauts. Uh-oh! Germans dead ahead! (FIRING) (GAGGING)

Peter, is that your handwriting? How did you get that? IT was e-mailed to me by your H.M.O. Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH?

I'm afraid he might not have survived, Mrs. Griffin. We've been searching these woods for weeks. We've got to keep looking. He's got to be out there somewhere. Oh, my God, we're in Canada.

Hey, fellas! I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like,

you're gonna feel smaller than my eye floaters.

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING)

Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky. You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy, but others might. Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy.

Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday? Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." Let me see that! Did you forge my name? Oh, Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

It'll have me laughing till I got snots falling out of my nose.

It's funny, isn't it? All these years, I was the passing fancy. (CHEERING) Get up, you jerk.

Giggity. Oh, I say that. Well, the DNA test results are back. This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire. What am I supposed to do? I don't want a baby.

I'm packing For K.I.S.S.-Stock and I can't find my favorite underwear. You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trots? No, No, the pair with the hole in the left butt cheek from when I held it in for 2 hours because it was that extra-long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule after Mass, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?

How long was I in there? About five minutes.

So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it.

He's gonna do back-up vocals for everything we say. How's he gonna know what we're saying? How's he gonna know what we're saying? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Yeah, I hired him for the night. It costs, like, $2.50 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation. ...so don't skimp on the conversation That sounds nice.

Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Glenn, these past few weeks have been amazing. I think I'm falling in love with you. I know. I feel the same way. If this is the kind of joy the '80s has in store for me, I'm ready.

(GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell? (GRUNTS) Look at him in that tank top.

Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

Great show today, Kelly. Thanks, Reg. You, too. REGIS: Kelly, Gelman needs us on stage for some re-shoots. Be right there, Reg. I just have to put on my face.

I want him to know he never left our thoughts. I know you're thinking about him, too, Peter. Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me. Besides, we have a new pet. And we love our fluffy kitty. Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain? Hey, you!

Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city!

Damn it, Swanson. I want them found. Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads.

But it seems pornography has finally found its way to our neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you!

What? I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was. Yeah. You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

I am so sorry, you guys. This is all my fault. It's okay, Lois. I know you tried your best to make things right. Well, since I ain't got no brother to play army guys with, I might as well go to The Clam. Hey, Quagmire, it's me. Meet me at The Clam in 20. That sounds great, Peter, but I can't right now.

James Woods did it. Hey, where'd you get the clothes? I always keep a spare at Quagmire's. I got to tell you, though, there was some weird stuff going on over there today. Hey, Quagmire. Can I... Hang on a sec. And that's why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees, he may very well be talking about himself. No, Glenn, that's not... Gloria, please. You wanna hear my interpretation,

Oh, He's terrible! But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

- You don't? - No, I don't. Stop looking at me like that.

That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Well, now, hold on, hold on.

Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers? I don't use makeup, Meg.

The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode. (DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn! I'm a monster!

Oh, my God, I can't remember the last time I went out dancing. I think it was Memorial Day, like, two years ago. No, you know what? It was four years ago. You know how long it was? It was on Alderaan. That's how long ago it was. Are those guys getting away? We should probably get those guys.

All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

- PETER! - What? Are you sleeping on the job? No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

Men, we're doing everything in our power to get you down. Stand aside, sir. I'll take it from here. Peter, this is Quagmire. Now, I want you to listen very carefully and do exactly as I tell you. Take a firm hold of the throttle and pull the red mixture knob out slowly.

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING)

Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts,

(CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING) (GIGGLES) Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard. How is he? He's in a coma, Lois. My God, what the hell happened? He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. Just goes to show anything can be dangerous.

Well, it basically just refers to the steps necessary for identifying and achieving your dreams and doing so in as effective and expeditious a manner as possible. Wow. And it's nonfiction, right? Yes, it is. Now, which one is that? I always forget. Is that the one that really happened or not? Uh... Yeah.

I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter.

Oh, Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck! Thank you, Thank you. Yes, Yes.

I'll do it, I'll be James Woods.

But then she started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off. But he wouldn't let her. He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds. Sounds like a pretty good motive to me. Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you.

We could all die tomorrow, every one of us. Well, isn't that a damn good reason to live it up today? - Come on, it can't possibly be that simple. - Excuse me. I got a thing to do. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we ha ve a very special guest tonight. Please welcome the Member of the Board, Frank Sinatra Jr.

All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we?

That one over there is my favorite. It's an old Japanese Zero. Wow, no calories and all that Japanese taste? That's the kind of plane my grandfather used to fly in the war. Cool. Man, this thing looks like it still might be in working order.

We should spend some time together as a family. I don't think so, Lois. But the world is ending. We should be spending these final hours with the people we love most. Lois, a day ago, I was stuck on jury duty. Today, I have a golden ticket to do whatever the hell I want. I feel like an old guy who's reliving his youthful shenanigans. Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa.

Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food.

Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC.

If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive? I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you.

Shut up, maggot! Your Honor, I am so sorry for stealing all that stuff. I just couldn't control myself. Well, Mrs. Griffin, considering this is your first offense, I've decided to go lenient and... Where the hell is my gavel?

Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off. Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom! And that was the last time I ever saw her.

Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian.

Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam. Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

What's going on, buddy? We're at your house. Peter, he's the one we saw sleeping with Loretta! Oh, my God! Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen! Look, I didn't mean it, you know? I--I knew it was a mistake! It never felt right! Please don't tell Cleveland! Well, all right, Quagmire. Cleveland, quagmire's sleeping with your wife!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up?

What does your mom do For A living? She sells seashells down by the... That is kind of a tongue twister. It's good to have you home, Peter. Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok. I sure am gonna miss being rich. Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship.

Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it. I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money.

Ohh! And now part 3 of Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex. Thank you, Diane.

Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God!

Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night?

Hello?

I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me.

How could this have happened? It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water. Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? Come on, honey. This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner city immigrants. (LATINO MUSIC PLAYING) (GUN FIRING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

What you--What you looking at? The underpants, lose them! A-Actually, I kinda-- I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, you know, maybe tomorrow-- Take 'em off! Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey. Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers!

Call me! She won't call. Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment.

Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff.

You know, Honey, I'm really sorry for how I acted. Getting so drunk, and ditching you at the bar and letting those boys take pictures of you while you were sleeping. I was so busy having fun, I guess I kind of ruined it for you. Uh-oh, We got company.

Yeah, yeah, I bet she comes out with just like... Just like a poop on a plate, right? Poop on a plate would be good, because at least there'd be traces of my food still in there. Oh, snap! Snap! Snap! Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right?

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,

Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been... Well, Who we kidding? You haven't made any progress. Now the left T.V. is tuned to Frasier. The right T.V. has Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts.

Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh!

"0, Captain! my Captain!" No, you're actually misunderstanding. "0, Captain! my Captain!" Well, if it works for you, I guess.... "0, Captain! my Captain!" What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "0, Captain! my Captain!" In your case, I'd get the money up front.

He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man. No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town.

I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow!

Good morning, Mrs. Griffin. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Just kidding. So, uh, any problems? No. Everything's fine, Doctor. Lois? Oh, Hello, Alexis. Heard you might not enter the competition this year.

And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company.

What do you mean? Aah! Don't you see what's happening? Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset. No, no, No, Peter.. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils.

What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex! Oh, And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby.

hair a mess, and in mid-coitus. I must look a sight. Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris? God, it is peaceful. No question, Dad. Just be careful, 'cause they got a lot of big old wilderness bugs out here. Oh, hey, y'all best be careful or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger.

(SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? What about all that liberal crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations? You even cried after Columbine. Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy. Whatever. It's just weird, you know? I mean, you're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun. Well, that's why I keep it here, where it's safe.

Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance. Well, I think it's more than that. So here's the thing, and don't get mad, and that part I can't stress enough... That's a great shirt, by the way. I may have made out with Meg.

We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian!

Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Correct! (CHEERING) I did it, Lois! My God, I did it!

(SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

Hello, Peter. Would you like some cold roast beef? What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time.

Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound. Now try it again. "How do you do?"

Oh, this is all so fascinating. You must have so many stories. Well, look, if you want to grab a drink with me later tonight, I'd be happy to tell you some. Oh, my God, I would love to.

Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom. it sure has, diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, "go back where you came from." Uh, I don't think that's the expression. Yeah. I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway... Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching.

I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever!

Stewie, gather your things. Time to go. It's about bloody time! Y-- That idiot slattern sent the dog?

You misunderstand. I did not buy you to be my slave. I bought you for my son, and not to be his slave, but to be his wife. Wife? Faisal! This is Faisal, my son and the heir to my throne.

Really? Oh, Peter. Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

(YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page. What the... How did you... (EXCLAIMS)

Same year, same time.

Come on, knock it off. Does not compute. undefinedI'm going to bed. " do not require sleep. Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this. All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with:

(CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug. (CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.

And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore.

But now instead all we're feeling is dread because Christmastime is killing us

It seems it's our destiny to be the A-Team after all. (ALL CHEERING) We're the A-Team! Yeah! MALE NARRATOR: In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention. These men promptly returned home and drank some beer. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune.

Jesus was a miracle worker, of sorts.

Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

My goodness! A human thumb. Where did you ever find this? It was on eBay. Oh, God! Call an ambulance! This year, instead of exchanging gifts,

A party

You're going down in front of all these people!

Even Cheesie Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo. Ok, I'll call the parents and let them know the party's here. You don't have any of those things. How do you know? Peter, Face it. You're a terrible liar. Ah. It was you.

Who's got beer?

Yeah, totally. Wrong! He had a heart of gold. You're going down.

And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise! Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

Okay, sign here. You know what? You can probably go ahead and cancel that.

So, how's my suddenly lesbian daughter doing? Great. We're checking out naked girls. I am so into girls. Oh, come on, Meg, you can stop the charade. My God, you're as transparent as your father was when he pretended to be a Hasidic Jew to get off work.

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther. Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus!

Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging."

Oh! That's cold. That's cold.

No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano? Uh, Get my back, would you?

But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!

Unfortunately, no.

- Cybill Shepherd? - Yes. (UNSHEATHING) (ROARING)

Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God!

QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake! Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell!

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

It's dead. And while I remind you I can't read yet, I can only imagine Madeline would say, "Take me out of this disgusting French hospital "and find me some real parents." (GRUNTS IN PAIN) Paper cut! A razor blade?

Hot lady next to wheel. Make me want wheel. Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel.

W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it.

Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

That's good about your modeling, Lois. Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific. Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling. That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister.

Yes!

I'm going to work!

Yeah, everything's fine. Yes, can I have two tickets? One man and one bitch that needs to do what I say. What? That's not funny, Chris. Here's your ticket. Pick that up! Chris, why are you acting like this? Pick that up and cook it into something delicious or knit it into something that's useful to me! (CRYING)

Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude (BIRDS CHIRPING)

Ohhh! Zales! It's just the box, Peter. Tickets to Foxy Boxing? Yeah, it's this cool thing where girls in bikinis box each other. We're all going Saturday night! Man, would you look at that?

Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape?

(GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser!

(CRYING) Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine. Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stuart Masterson. Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her, "'cause she could be your brother" kind of thing. Like, she's gettable, you know? Like Elisabeth Shue.

What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that.

Take out your scalpels, kids.

All right, but be careful.

He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous. I can't believe I actually touched him.

Ah! Ah! Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan?

You should've seen him when we had dinner with Paul McCartney's ex-wife. He kept playing footsie with her under the table. (GIGGLING) (WOOD CLATTERING) Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Hey, guys? I got a problem.

Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States. Well, this day has taken a bad turn, like Mike Brady's first marriage. Here's your beer, honey. I don't remember asking for a warm beer.

Hey, Greased Lightning! Do I know you? Jim Kaplan, sports agent. You Like this car? Yeah. It's yours. You like my pants? Uh, Sure. They're yours! Know what a merkin is? No. Pubic wig. I got one. You want it? No! Of course You don't! You're a classy guy! You want to be rich? - Yes! - Sign here.

You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy. You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships. Brian's right. We were so obsessed with that trophy, we lost sight of what was really going on. Well, Now we have a real problem to deal with. That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax.

Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?

You share!

That's so much better. Morning, Lois.

We'll be closing in 2 minutes.

Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No...

Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.

I am gonna eat your nose.

Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race.

This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this.

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my... Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot!

Ugh! What do you want? Financial advice. Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant?

Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why?

Boy, this feels really weird, Lois. I know. But maybe the doctor's right. This time apart could be good for us. Ah, I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife.

If you want to become a citizen, you have to get a job. Well, Before the disaster, I was a physician. That's terrific. We need a doctor. We sure do. Let's hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. Ah! "Village idiot." That's a good one.

Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard!

mmm. - Peter! - Oh, Sorry. Hey, Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel. Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid?

Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me. But unfortunately he's not available. So I got his younger brother from Growing Pains. Will you guys buy me a case of Sudafed? Don't you want to tell Brian about Jesus? They got my picture up at the drugstore and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while.

Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face!

My name's not Gabe! (SCREAMING) You're in big trouble, you little crap! You shouldn't have done that, little fellow. You just earned yourself a trip to the pound! Who the hell do you think you are? Brian! Brian, do something. Look, I'm sorry about this.

Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you

The Empire GI Bill helped me finish school. Hey, wait up! And I met my wife in the service. We had our honeymoon on Alderaan. Good thing we took pictures, huh? (LAUGHING) RECRUITMENT ANNOUNCER: The Empire, chasing Rebel scum, killing Luke's aunt and uncle,

Remember, the number-one cause of injury during a hurricane is broken glass. So stay away from the windows. And Peter, put those away. Aw, come on, Lois. Just one more sonG.

Chris? Meg?

NO. No. No. Play it like you did last night. I--I can't. Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that. Well, Sometimes it does. I mean, You were pretty bad in bed Saturday nighT.

Come on, into the garbage chute. She's right! Come on, Chewbacca. What, are you kidding? It's probably full of disease. I'm not jumping in there. Not even if I throw this pig's ear? Oh, come on, that's not fair. Go get it! (BARKING) Oh, boy! Great idea, Princess,

MAYOR: If we had a teacup, this'd be like playing... ...Find the Teacup in the Bed Sheet, like I do with my Aunt Sophia.

Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water,

it'll be a fun way to pass the time. Okay. Are you gonna be cool? Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool about that.

Huh! I'm kind of good at this. (GROANS) Later, dink! (GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING)

Well, yeah, but this has Johnny Depp as some kind of very funny tea-drinking homo.

Mmm. Mmm. Today was a good day.

That's very green of you, Peter. What? I don't know. Lois, that doesn't make any sense at all. Yeah, it's something I heard on TV. I don't know. Have fun at the circus. (SIGHS) I wonder how long it's gonna take.

Come on, Meg. We can be like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Just get on.

A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

(BOTH GASP) My God, look at all this devastation. What the hell happened? (CHICKEN CLUCKING)

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

- Mosquito. - Bite.

and I'm required by law to inform you that I am a sex offender. Oh, don't worry about it, so am I.

Did you kill the others? - I shan't! (SIGHS) - You must. I'm going to go talk to the statue in the basement. Did you kill the painting? This place is a nuthouse.

No, it's gotta be two syllables. Peter! Cleveland! Joseph! Joseph! Quagmire! Wow, that's exotic.

(HUMMING) (SIGHS) So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday?

Who are you? I'm King Stewart. Don't you recognize me from the coins? Oh, yeah. The ones with your profile. You know, you look really weird from the side. Well, that's something we didn't really think out too well when we started. But never mind that!

It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction.

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.

What the hell was that about? Who were those guys? I don't know, but I'll tell you this. I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend. You think they were following us? Either that, or they got a grudge against our back windshield. Joe, that's so dumb. Why would anybody be trying to kill us? It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us to learn the origin of that joke.

Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades. Now I don't want to hear another word about tHIS. Where are we going?

(ALL SCREAMING)

What did you just do? No! You killed my brother! How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's--He's alive.

That's true. And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit."

- Yeah, like what? - You know, it's like you can already hear them. You know? Like what? Like exactly what jokes do you hear? Tell me one of the jokes. Brian, all I have to do is start fake sneezing around you and you'll spend the rest of your life outside. Yeah, yeah, I can hear some of the jokes. Well, I guess you just never know what kind of rage some people have bottled up. Well, we all got anger, Chris.

Ouch. Damn, that hurts. What happened?

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye

Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview? Shut up and get a ladder or something. Actually, yeah. Maybe we are doing an interview. So, Stewie, tell us about that new project you have coming up. What're you talking about? Get me down, you douche.

- Who is? - (SCOFFS)

So, how was the... It's been rather cold.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

MAN ON TV: We now return to Tony Danza and Sylvester Stallone in What?

Hi, gorgeous man. Oh, you.

(CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch. And as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. (MUSIC PLAYING)

F.Y.I. he used the fat he took out of her to make the 2 kids from Good Burger. This is a very safe procedure, son. You won't feel a thing.

Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble. Is there any more to this message?

But I need that log back to finish my recreation of James Madison's cabin. All right, now Kids, I don't want anyone swimming in this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty. Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois.

I got to figure out some way to get that card back. Well, You could always take the class again. I mean, I'm sure they'd give you another card. - Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming.

Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe. There's only one thing to do. You're right. We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Yeah, you know, Joe, you owe this family. I didn't tell anyone about your Fiona Apple tribute video. I've been a bad, bad girl

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

Hello!

What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where...

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become!

Recognize him, Brian? No. It's your brother. I found him for you, buddy. What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry. What's that big thing around his neck? Oh, I'll show you. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian.

Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it. You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here! (GRUNTING) Hey! This punk's not worth it. You're right. You're not worth it.

Unless what? Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door?

Okay, well, we have to grab our friend, Peter. He just headed out that way to get help.

Ezekiel wouldn't listen to you anyway, Lois. You're a woman. These people live in a patriarchal society. The only member of our family whose word would carry any weight would be Meg's father. Dad, will you talk to Ezekiel? Will you tell him I'm not trying to corrupt his son?

It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie.

(BELLS JINGLING) That is so cool. What is it? FRANZ: It's a puppet. Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag,

(SCREAMING) (SIRENS WAILING)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Second-degree burns, first-degree fun.

Carter, there's no such thing as ghosts.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit.

Like a bisexual.

Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

So whoever the murderer is, they were after James Woods, not Stephanie. The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead? Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues.

So, how's the weaning going? Oh, it's horrible. Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Need to move? No problem. Take it yourself with U-Haul. But I've never driven a truck before. MALE ANNOUNCER: No problem. U-Haul lets anyone drive a giant truck even though it's dangerous, because, hey, you're moving.

MAN #1: Are you sure we don't need a condom? MAN #2: No, it's okay, I'm a lawyer.

'cause that doesn't matter to us.

(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)

Well, that's just because I have confidence that I'll find happiness. Hey, anything's possible, right? I mean, I once found the Batcave. Look, you can't expect to hire 60 workers to dig a cave under your house, and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town.

Why do you want to play in the basement? "I don't know, I just feel like there might be some fun stuff down there." I'm not following your logic. And why are you talking different than usual? "Here I go." Rupert, get back here. Rupert? Oh, there you are. Wow, look at all the old stuff down here. Hello, what's this?

I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

"Dear Red, if you've come this far, "maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, ifl could... I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING)

Are you also making soup? For quinceanera. Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez. Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie.

What you talking about, vile woman?

Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that.

Stewie, look at this. September 1, 1939. There's something about that date.

Thanks. So, listen... Here comes Scott! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers. Also, trying to comprehend their obsession with the homosexuals from 'NSYNC.

Look at the toxic waste we're producing. In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding. - Inbreeding? - Take a look!

Life has new meaning to me There's beauty up above And things we never take notice of

I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents! Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup! That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead?

So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter! Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs!

Ah. Peter, How the hell can you afford lobster on your salary? I got a raise. What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold.

I don't get it. Last time we saw you, Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife.

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President!

Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for Bad Movie Night. Then it's straight to the bars to find loose women to have sex with. Then it's straight to the gym for three hours of crunches and extended eye contact with strangers. Peter! Oh! Don't give me that look, Tony. That's exactly what you said. I said it right back to you.

I mean, you know, unless I get really stinking drunk, in which case all you got to do is outrun your sister. Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment. I agree. We can all learn something from that. Wocka, wocka. Who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again.

Peter! Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. Holy crap! You're one of them! Peter! Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors.

Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No! No! You've had yours! Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.

ah, It's so nice to be home. You have 113 new messages.

You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? Peter, what are you doing here? Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said.

(SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

Those girls seemed kind of annoying. Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.

Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye.

If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

She is so jealous. Of course, I'm beautiful.

H-Hello? Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her! Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok?

Then he talked about his ding-dong.

I abandoned my daughter. Why did I give away my only daughter? (SOBBING) Oh, God! He'll be fine. We shouldn't let this ruin our night. Let's just enjoy the strippers. I guess. I just hate the way that one gets so into her work.

(GROANS) Uh-oh. All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out, it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation. I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass. Is my eye big? Yeah.

Mom, when's it Dad's turn?

Everyone was on vacation!

She's a beautiful little girl, Glenn. Have you given her a name yet? Yeah, I named her Anna Lee, but I'm probably just gonna call her Annal for short. That's funny. Thank you.

Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice. Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.

Oh, Dad, I'm glad you're here. There's something I need to ask you. What is it, Chris? Well, today, in gym class, I noticed one of my testicles went up inside my body and it hasn't come back out yet, and I'm a little scared.

Oh, my God! What the hell?

Chris, these are plantains. And there's nothing wrong with them.

You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills! Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing? Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? I--I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Nebraska. So, um, anybody see any good movies lately? No, not really. No. No. oh. Read any good books? - No. - Uh-uh, No. oh.

Enjoy.

I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom. Executive bathroom, sir? Yes. Right this way.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get--

We ain't even gotten started yet. I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

I have a history test today, Mom, and I couldn't study last night because you made us go to the ballet. (PHONE VIBRATES) (CHUCKLES) Yeah, right in her ass. (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) Well, Chris, you're not gonna learn any history from this. This textbook is from 1896.

BRIAN: Damn it! So what are we gonna do for family night? Oh, would you shut up? All the good people are gone. Hey! Welcome to Quahog Laser Tag. Please pay attention while I show y'all how to put on y'all's vests.

Ahh! You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber! And you! I just plain don't like you!

(SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS)

That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller. Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? Oh, yeah. He, uh, He left a message. I forgot to tell you. Is it on the machine? I erased it.

But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What can I do for you, Mrs. Griffin? Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen. The Quahog Oil Refinery is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake.

This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

There's no love Like your love And no other Could give more love There's nowhere

This is my house! Excuse me. We were about to use that. You snooze, you lose, lady. You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do. Woo-hoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! She saw me walking to the swing!

I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie. Please don't do it. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you lately, but I love you and I need you. Please come home with me. Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. This is so hard. Think about what we have together, honey. Think about our little girl.

All right. I've looked through all the video footage. And I've compiled what I believe to be an accurate cross-section of your home life. Here are the results.

I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

Come on, Woody. We're gonna search for food. Sorry, Chris. The plant can't come. It's his best friend. Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed. I'll--I'll take care of Woody, son. What was that? Nothing. Let's go. Go where? I-If there's no food in quahog,

Well, things are gonna change. From this day forth, people are gonna know the name Peter Griffin... even ifl have to shout it from the rooftops. You hear that, world? I am gonna do something that people will remember me for. Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack.

He looks just like his father. Boy, I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids. I'll never know that joy. Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance. You think so? I know so.

Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.

- Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should...

Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt.

I'm 13.

Well, it was very nice meeting you, Anthony.

I lost all hope. That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq. I just had to wait for my chance. I call the white meat! I call the dark meat! I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No! KEVIN: Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. But I can't say the same for my bunkmates.

Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What?

Listen, Leno, you keep calling here and threatening me, - I'm gonna notify the police. - Leno? No, no, this is Peter Griffin. I'm calling to challenge you to a grudge match between the Patriots and the London Silly Nannies. Well, Griffin, if you want to embarrass yourself, be my guest. Good. What do you say, England? Two weeks from now? See you there.

My tulips! You dick. Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies.

And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing

"on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you "all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry

Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh? Well, How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on.

Damn it!

Brian, your standards are ridiculously high You'll never find a girl unless you're willing to make exceptions and compromise so you can find your love Lois, I don't think I have to compromise a thing

That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where. You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it. I had to ruin it?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor. When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way. Last night, for God's sake, you farted. I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat. Shut up and go to sleep! (BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me!

Giggity.

Brian, have you decided who's gonna star in your show? Well, it's a tough role. I mean, Byron is a 25-year-old single father going back to finish college so he can do right by his four-year-old daughter. So it's got to be somebody who can project a certain amount of world-wizened sophistication, while at the same time retaining a certain youthfully passionate idealism. You know who'd be good? Big Jaws.

All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney. Allison Janney? QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here!

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food.

If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump!

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

I promise, it will take three years with this accent before you figure out I'm just a normal jerk. Bonnie, listen to me. I'm your husband. He may be your husband, but I would do anything for you.

The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois. What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING)

- Indeed. - Quite. Yes. Mmm. Well, perhaps We should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person. oh. Mmm. Yes.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Trick or treat?

Yeah. What the hell are you doing in here anyway? All right! Her first drum solo. Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!

I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away. Yes. It spread through his body so fast. But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that-- Operation! May I play? Mom!

You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw.

Come on. Come on. Go away! We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh.

I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along. I thought you hated my guts. Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts. Well, then what the hell are we doing out here?

All right, next up. does everyone have a lab partner? " don't. Me, neither. She can be my partner. Sarah, that's very irresponsible. Meg is awful. - You want to be my lab partner? - Really? Sure, you seem nice. Hey, do you want to join my after-school club? Sure. Now, open your books to page... You know what? Look, I'm sorry.

Holy crap! Hot!

That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here we go.

(SNIFFING) - Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint. - What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! (STEWIE SCREAMING) Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party.

You're telling me that doesn't sound like Camptown Races? Not one bit. Do Short People!

Thank God you guys are okay! Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson! We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.

Wait. Is Peter not coming to bed?

Well, we should probably get home. This area gets really dangerous at night. (ROARING) Okay, everyone, welcome to the first day of shooting for Steel Vaginas. Peter, this movie doesn't seem to make any sense.

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Well, hello there, young man. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice.

What are you doing with that cutout? You know what, Lois? I'm glad you found out.

You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked.

I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me?

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w. Like "cow." So it's kind of... It's sort of a dark joke.

That's the last of 'em! Good riddance! What the hell would we ever need guns for? Victory is ours. Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope! Ahh!

No, no, no!

Chris Griffin, he knows best The kids play Howdy Doody As the sun sets in the west

And how! Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million. Good thing we swore off women to not be distracted... ...and unable to accumulate this vast wealth. Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Butter's in the fridge!

Oh, You truly are beautiful. You know that? Oh, Janet, our future is so bright. Cookie? Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing and Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and... What are you doing?

There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed

BABS: It was one of those lovely, warm summer days by the shore. Perfect giant beach ball weather.

Morning. Jeez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you mean? Aah! Don't you see what's happening? Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset. No, no, No, Peter.. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples.

Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time?

We're gonna have to return to the terminal. Hello, Alaska! Adam! Carol?

Meg, can you turn over? I gotta get that thing out of there. You're sitting on my shirt. I gotta put it on this hanger.

Come on, baby. Time for round two!

Hello? Where'd you go? (GASPS) (SNARLS) Oh. Well, then, I guess I worried for nothing. Yeah. Nobody cares if a dog gets killed.

Okay, you can stop that now. I can't hear you. I'm a robot.

Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay?

You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners? No. - Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ,

Well, I think you've been wonderful. Like when you took her to that new movie, I'm Rich, and You're Poor, but Let's Dance Together. I'm rich, and you're poor, but let's dance together. Society won't like it. I don't care. Good for you. Good for you. Yeah, and I can't believe how you stood up to Connie D'Amico for me.

Chris, why don't you put these upstairs in your closet so we don't lose them? But the evil monkey lives in my closet. Of course, he hasn't been as evil since he became a Jehovah's Witness.

which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties. Brian Griffin? Good luck, Brian.

under the moonlight, surrounded by refugees. Yeah. Uh, About that, uh, You know, Miguel over there has had his eye on you,

Oh, He must've followed us. Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways."

Oh, it's gonna happen.

I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born. Stewie, we gotta get out of here fast. Quick, set up the return pad and let's get back to our own time. Right.

Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit.

Mr. Hoover's come to visit. I don't want to see Mr. Hoover. I wonder if Mr. Hoover has anything to say about all this? Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it!

Oh, For God's sake! I just had it renewed! What's the matter with you?

Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.

They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris!

but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

Diane? Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon. Oh, my God!

Oh, there you two are.

Stewie, wait! It's too dangerous! I won't let it end like this, Brian!

No, I like it. But it's just.... Why your ear? Because I love you. Well, at least this will be a funny story to tell our kids someday. You want kids? Oh, yikes. I wish you'd told me that before I got you this. Did I hear my big boy say he's got a crush on some lucky girl?

Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures.

MAN ON RADIO: All units, we've got a possible homicide at Number One, Mayor's Mansion lane. My God. That's the mayor's mansion. Thank God he's finally gone. Here's your drugs, Peter.

If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT? Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?

All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this.

Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.

Okay, this argument isn't working. Peter, what if carrying the baby to term would endanger the mother's life? I don't know what seven of those words were. What if you look at the ultrasound and see that the baby's gonna be born with no arms and no legs? You name it Matt.

Hey, Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, huh? No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct.

Hey, New Brian. Bad news. You gotta leave. Huh? What are you talking about? This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den.

There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. So that was my chance to disappear. So I left. How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here.

But it's not. I mean, is it? That is an unrealistic, unfair question. Peter, Brian's right. How can you be so irresponsible? You take these tickets back right now. No way, Lois. We're going to win. I got lots of good karma built up from doing those USO shows. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) So, apparently, they found a weapon of mass destruction,

That's for me ever having doubted you. A-plus! And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! EW! I totally called him on it. Ok, no secrets. I want to share Stewie and Olivia with the world.

Hey, fellas! I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees? My boy wants to know about sex.

It appears the lump in your breast is not black gross boob death.

Oh, my God...

I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day. None of them serve breakfast all day.

Do you have a needle? There's a pin in the sweater. Here. Oh, my God! This is happening! This is really happening! Oh, I think this is going to look so good on me. You know what else? Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles. Aren't we supposed to, like, heat it or something? I don't care. I really... I don't give a...

You know what else?

It makes perfect sense, Lois. This the scene where our heroine, Vageena Hertz, is told by Dr. McNugget here that she has incurable chick cancer. All right, Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing. Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair. I need it to move. Okay, yeah, but your character can walk. Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.

You can't have their baby! Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant. Mom, I can't find my jacket. (LAUGHING) (CRYING)

They merely engaged in horseplay. Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys? Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations. Mom, I can handle Space Camp. I'm not stupid. Well, regardless, on the way back, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed. Peter, that was the University of Florida.

(LAUGHING) What a slut.

(GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye!

Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy.

Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest toy, Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style, with his little hat and his Doc Martens. Uh, Thank you, Peter, that's enough.

Uh-oh, spadoodios. I notice your kid is having some trouble. You're telling me. Oh, your kid just needs a little help. I got something that'll get him going. Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this.

to the challenge of our rival

He's moving it forward. See, Peter? Now tap Peter. Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises. Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...most of my days... ...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood... ...One little fight... ...scared...

Respect for your fellow man. I can't respect men. Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violencE. My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country!

I'm here for you. Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?

I'm sorry, but your friend doesn't have insurance. I don't care what it costs. Just make this man well again. Thank you, fish.

I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh!

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back. God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it.

Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.

Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here. Mine!

Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high. I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. I love you, Peter Griffin. Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me. Now, Put me back in my freakin' body, all righT?

But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

ah, Isn't this exciting? Hey, Anyone got a light? Thanks. Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists. Well, hey there, Griffins! Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!

We got to come up with some crazy scheme like the kids on That '70s Show. And I think I got it.

All right!

Quick, Peter, get the car! No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat. Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.

Breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house. This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool! Wait. What are you doing? They're sleeping in here.

Excuse me, Mayor West? How do you know my language? Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands. Are you Sarah Connor? No, I'm Meg Griffin. See, I need to interview you-- You're with the press? Yes. Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?

Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. Chris, you're wanted on the phone. Everything's gonna be all right. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y jelly for the class today,

Peter, I almost didn't recognize you without a towel on your arm. Lois, where are your parents? Don't tell me they're still on safari.

I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! All right. Well, here's a little something in return.

Oh, my God, Peter, look! McBurgertown is on fire!

See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too.

Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch? Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Um, i--I left the receipt on top of my bureau.

the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law. My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."

Great outfit. Go on. No, it is. So what if there's a new dog? Lots of families have two dogs. Hey, Brian, I thought maybe we could spend the afternoon together. Really? That'd be great! Awesome, 'cause I got this new gun... Here we go. ...and I thought we could go deep in the woods, where no one would ever think to look... Oh, boy. ...and just shoot it. Awkward.

Too late, I already narrowed my eyes.

Away with you What a woman. To think Canada's got her,

no making trouble for unconventional couples who want to adopt babies, 'cause you know what?

Yes, it does. No, it doesn't though, really. See, you're not really thinking this through. We would still be faced with the problem of the odor, you see. And, of course, then what am I gonna do with no diaper? I'm not gonna walk around here with my Tic Tac hanging out. I need a clean diaper.

Well, I guess it is close to dinner time. Chris, Stewie, you hungry?

You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders. T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company. Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini. What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff?

Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap give him a big kiss on the cheek,

Ugh! What the deuce?

I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian.

There's one right behind me, isn't there? You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy... I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared. Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape... while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that?

As time goes by

(SAWING) Wow, Quagmire. That's incredible.

See that sign? Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble. Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness? What do you mean, honey? You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh?

Well, I suppose I could talk to Barrington. Really? Oh, Peter, you don't know what this means to me. (SIGHS) You know, I was so desperate there for a while, I even tried a Jewish club. You don't want to get involved with them religious groups. They believe in all kinds of weird stuff. If I believe in Jesus hard enough, I will not die. If I believe in Snake Jesus hard enough, he will die.

Fine. I'll kill you. No, no, kill him. He's a baby. He won't even remember he was alive.

She means your nipples are sticking out. Mom! Nipples! Nipples! That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall!

It's coming. There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!

What are you talking about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this. Hey, Hey, everybody! Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it!

The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

Yeah, It was just like that other Jewish musical we saw. A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!

He was stabbed in a card fight.

Ahh! Ahh! Now Give me the other half of the amulet! I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh. Don't, pleaSE!

So you see? It's up to you, son. If you don't want to disappoint your father, you must keep him away. There's my boy. Hey, come on, Chris, Let's go over to Barneys and fart in the suits. All right, Dad I... I mean, uh, I can't see you anymore. What the hell are you talking about? You're my son. Mr. Griffin, he's going to be a great artist.

Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here. Thanks. Now we want Justin's candy. What? You heard me. Take Justin's bag of candy and pour it into Stewie's. All of it. And if I think you're holding back on me, we're gonna have a serious problem.

Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky and your boobs will get bigger and you'll stop having your period... Wait, how do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say!

No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift. Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian! Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting!

Oh, okay. I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh. I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got. Carol, it's so good to see you. You, too, Lois. God, that is one nice ass. Thank you. You're welcome.

Yeah. Nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet,

Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island.

That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident. That was great fun. I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball. I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow. Dad! Wait! You forgot me again!

Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor? Well, now you can. With Jeez-Its. Flesh of his flesh. With the amazing flavor of real Wisconsin cheddar. Jeez-Its, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good."

Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Well, I loved this book. Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly

Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake! They're real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever. So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street.

Chris, A. Meg, F. Ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation. Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that?

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion. We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house,

Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING) (SCREAMING) Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my tree house.

PETER: Hang on! Okay!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler. Edgar, could you bring me some tea? Yeah! Yeah! Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered. This guy's screaming and waving his arms around.

Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.

(MUMBLING) This is everything about... It's The Clam, I love it. I was just gonna... That's exactly. (STAMMERING) Hey, remember... Remember when...

MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS. All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls.

Hey, Lois, can you grab me a be-- Oh, my God! You've really let yourself go! Well, Maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while! PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?

this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that! Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock. King Louis XI.

(SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

You can go to the wedding and ask them not to kill Mom. No way. It's too dangerous. I got you into this, and I'll get you out of it. No, Peter. When we got married, we agreed to share our lives, good times and bad. So? So we'll solve this problem. Wait? You mean together? Yes. Because together we can do anything,

Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.

No way! Hello. I know. I saw. Glenn. Brian. What? Are you serious? I feel like I didn't get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose? All right.

Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel. Oh, not the kennel. Last time you left me there for an hour. Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island.

(SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it! I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING)

Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.

I mean, I turned 18 today. Oh, come on, Meg. You always used to love the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you. (MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards!

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) How did he get in? (GROWLING) I let him in. What, was that not cool? Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down?

Oh. (SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.

Sorry, fellas. I'm not gonna be able to play. Loretta's mother is in town, and we have to go buy new sheets for the dog bed.

(DOORBELL DINGING) Hi. I'm Joan. I'm your maid for the week. Me Peter. You maid.

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest.

a most remarkable young man, whose friendship would change my life forever. You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar. Our forefathers wouldn't have taken it on the chin like this. You're damn right. I say we fight the British and drive them back to whatever country they came from!

You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane. (SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce. I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30. But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room.

Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING)

Peter, what's all this?

Okay, listen to me. Tell Stewie it's awful, it's garbage.

Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone. Hey, give me your keys. I need your car.

I don't care about the money, Peter! I don't care about boxing! The only reason I did this in the first place was 'cause of you! What do you mean? Peter, sometimes you're so insensitive, and you make me so angry, I just want to clock you in the jaw. Obviously, I can't do that, so boxing was an outlet.

I'm not doing a monologue. I'm doing a piece with Stewie. A duet. Really? Well, let's see it.

(THUNDER RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) It's a boy!

"where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever." The end. Ah, Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible. Yes, charming. Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey!

When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. Don't worry about it, Brian. MAN: Hey, what's going on down there? Nothing. All right.

He's a family guy I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is?

Are you, like, a bitch or something? No, I have friends. Oh. Well, you should bring some of them in here. - Any of them have braces? - Yeah. I love braces. My mom has them. Well, listen... I need disposable diapers, but it looks like you're out. Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom. Hang on.

Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you? Hello, I'm, uh, Stephanie Griffin. Hi, Stephanie. What's your talent? I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers.

but I guess I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

Oh, Very clever.

And let's face it, Mork, you're getting Nanu-Na-old! (TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Stop it! You stop it! Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world, and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention! How can you allow this?

And--And that's creative?

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented.

Peter, can I talk to you for a second? What is it, Brian? Listen, I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us... and I figure, I don't know, I thought maybe we could be friends again, huh? What do you say? I kind of miss sleeping at the foot of your bed. " don't think so. Come on, can't we just go....

Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go. And here comes the heroic blind man.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease. "Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away." Hey, you hear that, fellas? She misses me! (LAUGHING) You're all wet.

What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither. Well, it... Well, it... You... Really? Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? No, no, nothing, nothing. It's nothing, I guess. I think it's great. Congratulations.

I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out. Okay, for starters, why don't you just lay back and relax?

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

All right, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews. After this. A hurricane. Oh, my God! Peter's out there. Don't worry, Lois. Peter's good at getting out of trouble. Just like Kobe Bryant. We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about?

No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

Flannigan? Wait a minute. That's one of the corrupt cops who helped harbor Briggs while he was on the lam for 15 years. These guys are bad news. Oh, my God. What are they going to do to us? We're not going to stick around to find out. Joe, hold your handcuffs over my lap. (PANTS UNZIPPING) What the hell is that? Swiss Army penis.

That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay. (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

Ha, ha. W-What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack-off a guy? 'Cause I'm marrieD.

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I'm sick of both of you. Come on, PeteR. Death, put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite! I don't have skin! THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans! ComE on. Come on. Get back in your big, fat body. Why should I help some guy save his marriage when I can't even get a girl? Whoa, whoa, Whoa, wait! What are you saying?

(MECHANICAL BEEPING)

So don't you try anything. Try what? I already practically rimmed you. Yeah, there was no practically about that.

(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

I don't know what to do. Carolyn and I are supposed to elope tomorrow, but here comes Loretta all apologetic and wanting to get our family back together and whatnot. I wouldn't forgive her so fast, Cleveland. Remember, she slept with Quagmire. Yeah, she really acted crazy.

then I am gonna run like the 6 Million Dollar MAN. We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money. Fine, if you feel that strongly, then by all means run. But I'm warning you,

(MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God...

Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money? Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money. Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive."

People are gonna be impressed. Hey, a black guy! Ooh, Fun! Come on, Cleveland.

(RITA EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) - What's wrong? Oh, nothing. When I'm on my back, sometimes my breast can slide in my armpit. Just got pinched, that's all. Okay. (BOTH MOANING) (RITA SCREAMING) Was that your boob? God, no! I think I broke my hip. Oh, my God, what should I do?

How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels,

Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides.

I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. That one is also sexual. Well, I guess with good behavior, you could be out in 2 years. I made my own bed with this one, guys. I'm just gonna have to pay my debt to society. Not necessarily.

Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me? I used my nose, which I always forget about. Come on, let's go.

My father was correct. Your beauty knows no bounds. Fair goddess, it is my hope that you will agree to be my wife, but the choice is yours.

Just you try it. Oh, I'll try it. Just you try it. You'll feel it when I try it.

Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer.

You know what sucks, Brian? We don't got a problem with our drinking. It's everybody else who's got a problem with our drinking. Wait a minute. Peter, that's it. The issue isn't that these people are alcoholics. They just have nowhere to drink without being judged. She slams us into the monkey bars, but none of us have the language skills to call her on it.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack! Brian, you want some lasagna?

Yeah, people are starving in Africa,

Hey, Lois, give me a penny. You're not gonna throw it over the edge, are you? No. Yes.

Hang on, I'll be right back, Lois. I'm just going across the street.

Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid? Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly.

I'll do to him what I did to the Riddler. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS) We made it. Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey.

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!

I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.

The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished!

I'm just a big fake like the moon landing, and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, ok? Now make it stop.

It just feels like I'm lying to Peter. Like Jesus lied to the meek.

Wait a second. If you're there, and I'm here... ...and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area... ...then who the hell is that?

How long is Dad gonna be in Washington? As long as it takes. He's a very important man now. You know, He's the spokesman for his entire industry.

He won't even look me in the back of the head anymore. I see. Well, I guess we're good to go then. Peter, are you sure this is what you want? Yeah. I'll see you at home. (SIGHS) PETER: Lois, wait!

You are a team of executives I can trust. Brian, Quagmire, Mort, you are gonna be my creative team. You are gonna help me lead this company into the future. Peter, we don't know anything more than you do about running a company. Hey, where's Joe? I think he's still outside.

Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son

Go, Dust Mites! I wish they'd put Chris in already. Peter, relax. It's his first game.

Yes, it does.

Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew!

Boy, I don't know, Peter, being back out here makes me kind of nervous. Maybe this was all a mistake. Don't be silly, Tom. You're an actor, and this is where you belong. Now, let's take some of this complimentary luggage and get going.

Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going? Terrible. I can't even get my foot in the door.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers. - That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

- I know what she needs. - You do? You bet. Bring her by my house around 8:30 tonight, I'll take care of her. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Mom said I should come over here? Have a seat, Meg. Soon, it'll all become clear. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

but I'll do anything to get my baby back. You know, Peter, we wouldn't have to be messing around with ghosts if you hadn't desecrated those Indian remains. Probably a bad time to mention I'm wearing the skull as an athletic cup. Okay, let's talk to some spirits. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing? Y'all got a little friend of ours named Stewart up there.

(LA CUCARACHA PLAYING) Okay, well, we have to grab our friend, Peter. He just headed out that way to get help. Oh, that's not good. There's nothing in that direction but wilderness for thousands of kilometers. What? You're kidding. Oh, crap. Peter! Peter, come back! Peter!

I don't understand. Well, if we're correct, we will have successfully proven that homosexuality is genetic, and not a matter of choice or environment. Are you crazy? I don't want to take a chance on being gay. We'll give you $125. All right, I'll do it. Boy, you're more persuasive than James Bond.

Oh, really? Well, maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in the next room will refresh your memory.

Hey, a Twinkie! I'm gonna get you! Come on. You can do it. Feel the burn, Chris. FeEl ThE buRn. Ahh!

Wait a minute. Who are you? I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir. Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference? What's this? This is the bathroom at my work.

Look, I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing. It was a one-night thing. I have no interest in dating one of those shallow idiot celebrities who's only famous for being famous. I'm going over to let her down easy. Hey, tell her I like her work in Jake and the Fatman. No, wait. That was William Conrad. Tell her I like Jake and the Fatman. (DOORBELL RINGING)

Peter, would you put that thing away? We're trying to eat dinner. I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message, like, four hours ago. Well, maybe he doesn't have his phone with him. No, no, it rang twice, and then the voicemail picked up. If it had gone straight to voicemail, that means the phone was off.

I can't believe we're actually gonna do this. Yeah. You go in first, and I'll go in a minute. PETER: Oh, wow! Oh, my God! Oh, this is amazing!

we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two young people, in the bonds of holy matrimony, consecrated before God Almighty. Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg.

Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel?

Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS) Hey, Brian, check it out. BRIAN: Peter, you painted over the back window. Isn't that dangerous?

Hey, mind if I turn on the radio? DJ: WTAT, Tatooine's all-talk radio. HOST: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again, they never stop. Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting.

I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor." This is ridiculous. That never happened. Sit down, you rapist! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to wait until I've heard everything.

what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you.

Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

(TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.

Pope! Pope!

Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out! Ok, honey. I'll go get your teddy bear. ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths?

(SNORING) Hey. Good morning. Oh, good morning, Brian.

Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA! All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the Old West, where brave pioneers survived against long odds.

Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan! And Scottie Pippen. MAN 1: He's also good. Why didn't they do Jordan last? MAN 2: Alphabetical? MAN 1: Oh, right. That's smart. You're smart. But still.

And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay. Boy, I bet Brian would love these pancakes. I wonder where he is. He's next door with Cleveland. I saw him on my morning paper route. You know, I appreciate you letting me stay with you,

Where's your money? I spent it on sand. I'm sorry, I can't help you. But, sir, please, my wife is with child and about to give birth. And I am with burrito and about to do the same. Sir, if you don't leave now, I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I. Yeah, we... We did one of those earlier. Yours is better, though. We probably should've waited for yours.

You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money!

I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom. Oh, my God! I'm free!

married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh!

(GASPS) It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

That was so sweet. It was wicked awesomE.

I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk, decoys, Lois, decoys! Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet. Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for.

That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you!

THE quaRTerly review's tomorrow.

My God! Tumor-syphilis-itis-osis!

They have summoned me. I am part of an elite group of individuals deemed intelligent enough to decide the fate of a fellow citizen. (LAUGHING) Ah, the amused laughter of the envious.

He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy.

Look, can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.

"And i'm gonna be high "As A kite by then

I hope my son is having a better time with your family. (SCREAMING) Poachers!

JEFF: (SHOUTING) Where do you get off calling me a deadbeat in front of your brother? BRENDA: (MEEKLY) No, Jeff, all I said was that you were in between jobs. JEFF: Well, it wouldn't matter if you'd just pick up that night shift at the prison! BRENDA: But then I'll be working 100 hours a week. JEFF: So what? I need money for motor oil and wallet chains! Okay, I'll ask about it Monday. Can I put my nightgown back on?

So it shall be.

You've won a genuine, live homosexual. Where are we going? Wait! Don't tell me! Oh, boy! Mom, can I keep him? Well, it's a big responsibility, Chris. That means you'll have to clean up after him and feed him. What do you eat? Attention. I like your hair. Still hungry. You have a beautiful speaking voice.

Ok, Everyone get ready. Say hello to the lovers. I don't know who should be more humiliated, Meg or the pig. She's such a dork. I think I feel worse for the pig.

You know, Grandpa, I don't think I wanna go through with it. We all had to do it, Chris. Now get in there. No, I mean, I think I wanna go back to my old school. My family's working so hard to pay my tuition here, and I feel bad. Is there any way you can get me back into James Woods High? Well, I suppose I could pull some strings,

That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog... ...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Whoops!

Oh, Joe, that was amazing. I know. I was there. My God, we haven't done it in so long. I'd forgotten how big you were. I was gonna say the same thing to you.

Isn't that in January?

L is for the way you look at me

You know, I think I missed my nap today. I'm sleepy. Well, why don't you lie down? I think I will. (SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane?

Jason Patric! Ew! You know, perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way. I daresay, I should embrace the idea of having a little brother. After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team. ahh!

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad.

She has feelings, you know, and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian.

(LIVELY '20s-ERA MUSIC PLAYING) Roarin' twenten tidal waven! (ALL SCREAMING) Peter, what's going on?

Ugh! yee-ah! Lois, that was amazing! Congratulations-- This is mine! This is where my babies come from! And Now back to the Movie of the Week,

Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Huh?

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

"Julie, there's something I gotta tell you--" Ha! That's awesome! Go on.

I gotta get this heart to Madonna.

Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter. That ought to slow them down.

Oh! Exhibit B, one semen-covered View-Master (GROANS) with the reel of the Grand Canyon, (WHINES) and a blood-splattered Mr. Potato Head, (WHINES) and these socks you really need. (GROANS)

Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it.

- ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING)

Well, long as I'm up, I might as well go spit in Lois's mouth. Sheldon? (GASPS) (PANTING)

Chumba Wumba gobble aHh!

I've got a little list I've got a little list Of society offenders Who might well be underground And who never would be missed Who never would be missed

Hmm. Lot of black guys over there.

It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please. You want cigarettes on that sandwich? What do I look like, a Mary? Yes, I want cigarettes.

Why can't you just hire a real baby-sitter? Well, I guess we could do that. Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on BlindDate. I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah.

Ms. Clifton, over here! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Mrs. Griffin.

Right, and shoot Pat Tillman. No, no, no, no! Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again, 'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time. Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up.

Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap! Look at this place. This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow. They have tennis courts! And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs! Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean.

You know, if I were you, I'd think about expanding your programming somehow. Brian, that's a great idea. That's exactly what we need to take PTV to the next level. Original programming. Hi, there. And welcome to The Peter Griffin Side Boob Hour. A wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer.

Did you ever notice how the government buildings there are quite well-maintained? Okay. We have no guest. Good night. How you holding up, Carol? Not so good. Look, I know you're depressed about Mayor West,

See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say, because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life. Fonzie be with you. I ought to take off my belt and slap the crap out of him.

(STAMMERING) See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say,

You know what that man's name was? Jon Benet Ramsey. (STUTTERING) I think. I think that's the guy. What? You're darn right, what. Now, let's get back in there. Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna retire, and that's that! Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's.

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.

Yoo-hoo! Guys. (SQUEALS)

Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know.

Come on! Shut up!

What did you do?

Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream. But I remember it so-- It was a dream! Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip?

Your parents invited me. My parents? But they wouldn't-- Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

(SNORING)

So I decided to sign him up for fat camp. What? Mom, I don't want to go to fat camp! I'm sorry, sweetie. It's for your own good. And trust me, you'll feel much better about yourself. Everyone's gonna make fun of me! Oh, come on, who's gonna make fun of you? Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp.

Yeah.

All right, that about does it. Isn't she beautiful, Brian? The Duke boys would be proud, Peter. Yeah, And you got to get in through the window, like this. Ok. Now you. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello?

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson! Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie?

I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat!

but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um... I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know? 'Cause I mean, what else is she doing right now? I don't think he's got the leverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore. I mean, that's... That's where it's gotten.

Wow, she's really hitting Mom hard. Good. (BELL DINGS) (PANTING) How you feeling, Lois?

Oh! Oh! aah! Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job. You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson. I didn't want to overload her on her first time out. Besides CHiPs is about to start.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

Go fuck yourself. What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill, but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark. I'm right back where I started. Well, sounds like we need another loan shark. Don't worry, Joe, we're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money.

Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge. Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it! I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!

It's Brian. Oh, Brian. Probably RSVPing about Megan's party. Hello, Brian. Hi, Stewie. What can I do for you? I'm coming to Meg's party. Oh, splendid, just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple. Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again. Shall I put you down for two, Brendan? Brian. Ryan. - Brian. - Mitchell. What? Goodbye.

What you did to these kids... There is a special place in hell for people like you.

(GASPS)

(GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop!

So, this is awkward, but... have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean, you know, I don't even know, say, for example, if you have a room up there. You know, a room? I have a room.

Biggs? Jesus!

I had rehearsal for Death of a Salesman. But We're not allowed to show death at school. So now at the end, we dance around with sparklers.

and I do it, and then I get to go around the world. I mean, did you see Sahara? (LAUGHS) I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time. You suck donkey ass. Now you can't prove that.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

Yup.

Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape.

You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more.

Get back to warming those eggs.

The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone want to buy some pot?

Mr. Griffin, since you can't control your drinking... you've been demoted to the shipping department. Come on! This is your new supervisor, Angela. Mr. Griffin, we have different rules here. For starters, no drinking. Period. We start work at 7:00 a.m. sharp.

Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey. Hiya, Meg. Hi. Gosh, Mr. Pukey, you sure are good at making fat women hot. Wow, thanks. You think you could help out my friend Meg here? Yeah, I think I could give her a hand. (LAUGHING)

Hugh Downs away! Aw, Honey, thank God you're safe! We were so worried. We now go to Junior Anchor Neil Goldman With exclusive Channel 5 footage from today's exciting scene. Thank you, Diane. There may have been some sort of commotion on the rooftop,

Don't mention it.

What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Thanks for having me, Bonnie. I just needed someone to talk to. Sure, Lois. What's on your mind? Well, it's kind of a long story. You see... Eight fucking hours later... Oh, my God!

Our husbands couldn't have done this. Yeah. Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the 4th of July! Excuse me, Do you know where I can find Nigel Pinchley? I'm from quahog Insurance, and I have a check for him. $5 million? Yeah. lucky fella took out a huge policy the day before the fire. Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious?

Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it. But Brian, I love you! (LOUDLY SOBBING) Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!

I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie!

Just take this flier, and if you see this baby... No, no.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet. (CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SNICKERS) That's gonna be his catchphrase. How did you afford that wood stove? Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove store and said, "Put it on my bill."

We've got 24 hours before those terrorists set off that new type of bomb that makes an invisible explosion. What are we gonna do? Let's get back to headquarters. Should we take the helicopter? No, let's... Let's walk, it's a nice day.

your--Your faux pas last night at the concert was so upsetting I called a university professor to tell me what phrase to use to describe it. Use "faux pas." Thanks, professor. You've been living a lie all these years.

Taking it off here, Boss. Take it off there, Luke. Wiping it off, here, Boss. Wipe it off, 9. Waving at the Pope here, Boss. Wave at the Pope there, Luke.

How are you? Great, great. Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit. Oh, Thank you. uh, This 12-pack of fungicide is for my daughter, Meg. Ahem.

Those people are disgusting. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal, Patrick? Oh, Peter, there you are. This is my brother Patrick. Yeah, yeah. Good to meet you, Patrick. All right, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this. I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that.

Where were you the night of the fire? I was at the movies. What did you see? No Strings Attached. - How was it? - Sucked. Okay, that checks out. Boy, that Ashton Kutcher sure was a cad in that movie, wasn't he? Yeah, totally. Wrong! He had a heart of gold. You're going down. Your husband's in here, ma'am.

Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look. Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets. Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery.

Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.

I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up.

Lois, I'm home.

Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday...

- Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time. Meg, what the hell? I was watching that. It's time for Kirk Cameron. And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God.

Gee, I hope I didn't scare the cows. I don't want to put them in a bad mood. (CRICKET CHIRPING) (SOBBING)

Well, that may be. But what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay. I want to go to war. (All) Oh, yes, yes, yes. We should definitely go. (All) Yes, we should totally go to war. I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.

I got to go pee. I don't want to get up. Joe, where's that thing? Where's the thing? Where's the catheter thing? No, it's mine, it's private. What happens if I blow in this end? Don't, I'll 'splode. I'm gonna. (AIR WHISTLES) You do it better than Bonnie.

He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

This game's better if there's someone else here. 'Cause then they can say, "I'm not going to pick up those cards." And then I say, "You have to, it's 52 Pickup." And they say, "Well, what if I just leave them there?" And I say, "Those are my father's cards. You can't just leave them there. "He's going to be mad." Where am I?

I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover.

Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend! It smells like old milk in there! Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up! Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now.

DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it. NEWS ANNOUNCER: This Sunday on Fox, it's the new hit comedy starring America's greatest actor, Fred Savage! Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy.

Stephanie Griffin. Thank you, thank you. Hey, what's the deal with Chunky bars, huh? Chocolate with raisins in it. Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate, fruit. (ALL LAUGHING) Wow, that bit's killing. Hey, Lois, great news. We can go back to Quahog. Yeah, I know, Brian.

Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee

I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS)

If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND) Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world?

now that you're a hero. Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys. You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back. I'll never forget that. Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work.

Uh, But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is. (Lois) Oh Peter.

Oh, Don't he make you so mad - you just want to go down there and hit him? No. Well, maybe not him 'cause he's kind of big. But don't you want to hit the guy sitting next to you? Well, Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too. But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You jerk.

Dawson, I'm just not ready to give up my virginity. Come on. No! I promised myself that I'd save it for the man that I marry. Come on. That's stupid. - I'm--I'm just not comfortable, you know? - Well, I don't... This--This is, like, the '90s, man.

STEWIE: And chronic neck pain.

I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started.

Oh, hi, Bonnie. What's up? Hi, Lois, I hate to bother you, but I'm going out of town for a few days to visit my father in the hospital. I was hoping that while I was gone, you could look in on Susie and Joe. And go have sex with Quagmire. Quagmire! Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Happy Birthmas.

Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets. Is this another test? Yes. These aren't the real lottery tickets, either. These are the real lottery tickets. So, in addition to buying 200,000 lottery tickets,

Yeah. Yeah, you know what else is easy? Open heart surgery. FOUAD: (LAUGHING) Yes! Yeah, thanks for coming, Fouad. Oh! Is funny because open heart surgery not easy at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fouad. (FOUAD LAUGHING) So, without further dudes, let's watch this thing.

I could have gotten over the fact that you're a dog,

That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway. No, please. Don't! How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No! What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie.

(SOBBING) We broke up. Spread your tiny wings and fly away And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day

I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

You know, you really are a good friend. Let me rub your belly. Put it back.

Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck.

You ready for the day, sweetie?

Very well, then. Take off your shirt. No, honey. No, no. Tonight we're gonna have formula instead. (EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.

(ALL GASPING)

Ouch. Damn, that hurts.

See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now.

What the hell? Oh, my God! We came out of hyperspace into an asteroid field. (ELECTRONIC EXPLOSIONS) Alderaan's been destroyed by the Empire. Maybe we should head for that small moon, that's clearly a small moon, and not anything else.

I am so fucking ready... I don't know, Lois. I tried my best. I don't know what else I possibly could've done. Peter, you're just gonna have to do better. Somehow you've gotta let those kids know that they matter to you. (EXHALES) I'll try, Lois.

So? So just Refund this man's money and we'll be on our way. I don't have your money! How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler.

Today on Hitler, we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk Christian Slater. Now, they tell me in your next movie, we get to see your butt. YEs, uh, Yes, you do. Can--Can we see it right now? Um, welL, uh...

A lot.

Yeah, it's all him or her's fault. Who does he or she think he or she is? Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe. There's only one thing to do. You're right. We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing.

I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois, either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman. Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to take it from the back.

Do you see a wheelchair under Mark Harmon? Peter... Lois, do you see a wheelchair under Mark Harmon? - No. - No, you do not, because Mark Harmon is cool. And I know what you're thinking. "Peter, this is just like your Gil Gerard speech." And you can stop right in your tracks, because it is not.

I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes. I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien. I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens. MAN ON STEREO: Party music

(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!

They haven't turned into bitches yet. (SIGHS) It's true. What happened to all of us? I got a house on the Cape. Maybe you come visit. (WEAKLY) Maybe. Maybe you call a few days in advance to give me time to get the house clean. Okay. Maybe you bring a blazer so we can go to a wider range of restaurants. I'll bring a blazer.

I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

(HIP-HOP BASS BLARING)

and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow!

PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone? I want to prove something to these guys. I... It's Priscilla. I... I mean, it's gotta be Priscilla. She's the only one who's not here. Look, maybe, maybe not. We thought Muriel was the killer, and look how that turned out.

Is there more underneath, or is that it? I'm sorry? (LAUGHING) Zac, just get the hell out of my car! That's it? That was sex? What a rip-off. I should sue her.

That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets!

You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well, don't you know about the bird?

(ALL CLUCKING)

So he's not going to die? No. Boy, your face was priceless when you thought he was. You're a monster. Hey, Chris was in on the whole thing.

What's that? - Acorns. - Acorns? Acorns, that's what I said! - We sound too much alike. - I know. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE)

You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society! Ok, let's go. Chris, this is the speed machine that's gonna win you the soapbox derby.

- Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch. Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly.

I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses. Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

Hey, Chris. What's that? Did you sit on something? (MUTTERING GIBBERISH) (ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser! I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore!

Chris, what happened to the couch? Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!" Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. (YAWNS) Dad, what are you doing? Meg, I'm a redneck,

...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million! Money, money, money Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist.

These are mine now. Hey!

Another baby? But--But, I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My--My cheeks are pinchable. My bottom is smooth. My laugh is heartwarming. What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby, when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch?

You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god.

(PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!

Me? What the hell did I do? You've made me feel so unattractive lately that I went and did something disgusting and abhorrent, and I'm ashamed of myself. Peter, I made out with Meg's boyfriend. You made out with Meg's boyfriend? How the hell could you do that to me? Because, Peter, you've been making me feel old and fat and unattractive and worthless.

You're what the Spaniards call el terrible.

But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later. Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. Stewie, shut up. (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.?

(STERNLY) Look, Billy, I don't care what you or your fat friend here has to say. It's over. (SIGHS) Well, thanks for trying. I knew she wouldn't listen to you, though.

Ok, This whole thing is ridiculous! I forbid you from going to that dance! You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom! End of discussion! Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you! I hate you!

Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do. Giggity Giggity.

Hey, Lois, how was your day? Terrible. I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot. (HARMONICA PLAYS BLUES RIFF) Peter, I'm serious. I ran right over the soft part of the face. I had to run away. I ditched the car and jumped on a passing train. (PLAYS TUNE)

You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus!

Boy, Will your face be red when they find the black box on this one. So, really saturate the soil twice a day. That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.

Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one! How could this happen? I thought we lived in suce a nice small town. There's no such thing anymore, Lois. Things are A Lot different than when we were kids.

I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia.

I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again. Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this.

Wrong. I'm 95% helium.

Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty. Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine,

Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. I...uh... I misspoke.

Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me! Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh?

Oh, munequita, I would love to feel your mustache on my mustache. Really? Well, there's a lot more body hair where that came from. Oh, well, then no thank you. Wow, these DVD's are only 99 cents apiece. Hey, look at some of these Spanish translations of the movie titles. Here's The 40-Year-old Virgin,

Like Cheeseburger Helper. Hey there, Peter! How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? Sure! Okay, then let's... Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet.

Brian, she's beautiful. Yeah. And--And that voice. I--I had no idea. in 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist. That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully.

The only thing I've held you back from is failure!

Think about that. Neat. This guy's deep, Carter. Where'd you find him? He's my son-in-law. Ok, honey. I gotta go. you want a ride? Sure. WoW!

"I can't believe it." So? So just Refund this man's money and we'll be on our way. I don't have your money! How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler.

Brian, do you know where Peter is? Yeah, he and the guys went to go rob your dad. I believe you. I'm in.

I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives,

Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What?

You do?

Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there?

I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem? Ah, damn! Which one's the Chinese one?

ifl give you 30 seconds of making out, will that shut you up?

WhAt? Uh... Uh, What--What a terrific surprise! Brian, can we see you for dinner?

all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment. Peter, please! Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company in no way condones Peter's conduct. In fact, a film on employee relations has been a mandatory part of our personnel training for 50 years.

Well, that sounds like a good job for an immigrant. Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny. Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited. Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed? Oh, I do hope so. I've always imagined the most beautiful... (GRUNTING) Damn it!

Don't worry, you guys, I think I might know how to fix this. But first, look. I turned him into Groucho Marx. That's hilarious.

I'm no saint. I dated Jillian just to hurt you. It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out, like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends. Yeah, maybe.

(STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING) (EWOKS CHATTERING) (YUB NUB PLAYING)

Well, I'm sure a brief call to my accountant will resolve this to our mutual satisfaction. (DIALING) Hello, Schnozzenstein? This is Peter Griffin. There seems to be some issue with our credit. I told Carstairs you'd set everything straight. What do you mean I'm broke? What about all that money I sent to the Gayman Islands? They did what with it?

Could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad? It is! Go, Freedom Train! I've seen enough. I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day! Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

"P.S. If the cops ask, "tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. "If you tell anyone otherwise, "I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you. "And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real.

My God, you know what this means? You're all accessories to my escape. She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right. I have a very tough time standing up in the car. Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together. I wonder where we're going. Calm down! I'll tell you what were going to do.

Your big mouth just got you in trouble. I lose. Peter one, you zero. Oh, I lose again. Peter two, you zero. You've been practicing.

(GROANING) I'd better make sure my wallet's okay.

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop! Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott.

Oh, It'll be ok, Chris. Remember that episode of The Honeymooners When Ralph lost his job but at the end of the show he didn't get it back? Oh, yeah. What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of Me.

Peter, what the hell? For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant. "I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes. "A man cannot steal, but it accuseth him "A man cannot swear, but it checks him "A man cannot lie with his neighbor's..."

(MAN SINGING) So, the thing about dolphin lullabies is that they're all in the key of "E." (LAUGHING) E!

Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present.

How would you like to take a half-pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese? What? I don't... I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. No! It won't be the same!

'Cause she's my mom, too. Excuse me, that's my seat. We'll talk about this at home. (SIGHS) Let's see. Who's in this thing? Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody.

Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast. You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here. Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back. You got fired for racist drawings.

(BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

No, Chris, you did the right thing. It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill, and you'll get to touch these. Oh, boy, I got a feeling that before the end of the day, I'm going to be burying my dog. Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs. Let's start with that. Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian to come out peacefully,

Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star? I got more cowboy blood in me than Billy the Kid. (THE BALLAD OF BILLY THE KID PLAYING) Well, he robbed his way from Utah to Oklahoma And the law just could not seem to track him down And it served his legend well

You could've had both!

Oh, absolutely. (SNAPS FINGER) I need you to run an errand for my friend, Peter.

We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING)

Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois. You're telling me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a bro-ster. Hey, Peter, you want to see my peginas? Uh... (STAMMERING) I don't know.

Nancy! Nancy!

Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy. You kidnapped the Pope? peter, This is the most reckless thing you've ever done! Come on, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?

BETTY: Welcome to Peterotica on tape. I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish, by Peter Griffin. "Chapter One. "Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick.

People, you are free! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

- Oh, look at you. You're all better. - That's right, Brian. And you are toast. I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man. Listen, sorry I had to rain on your parade, Peter. It's all right, Brian. I guess the Church of the Fonz was just a bad idea.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here? Oh! Hi, Brian. It was so nice of you to invite your girlfriend over for dinner. I invited her for dinner? Yes, you did. You wanted her to meet the family. Now, come here, Brian. Come sit by your friend Stewie. And then think about this,

(EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes.

Hi, welcome to the soup kitchen. I'll just start you off with this basket of pizza crusts and apple cores. Oh, and we do have one special today.

Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it! The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?

ALL: Ew! I farted during the murmuring. What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

But values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs. I agree, Lois. Like for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting.

Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup!

36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body. Come on. I'll show you around.

I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twi-- Hey, Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! Get him! Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this?

because he... He beat us to the punch. My God! That little pole-smoker's a fucking genius! ...and so did the Corinthians finally write back to Saint Paul, saying, "Dude, enough with the letters. "We have received them all,

Chris, dates... Battle of Hastings! I don't know. - Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know.

(SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!

(GASPS) He must've got the part. When he going to meet Evita? Not every play is Evita. Oh, no. I feel terrible.

Shut up!

The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them.

In order to get past the checkpoint at the toll plaza, we will need an American behind the wheel to arouse the least amount of suspicion. Sorry, can you repeat all that? I just had an itch right by my microphone. Microphone? He's wearing a wire.

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool.

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called nunya business. Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing?

(SIGHS) Excuse me, sir. This is private property. What are you doing? Just taking it all in. You're staring at my daughter's bedroom. She's really grown into her body. This is gonna be a fun summer for her. You guys, we've been out here a couple of days now,

Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look.

It was great having you in class, Meg. Thanks. I'm really gonna miss everybody. We didn't have no money for a present. So, we all just spit in a jar.

I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

Well, he's a Nazi, Chris.

Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh!

- Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang!

I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! (QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding.

Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

I love you.

(IMITATES GUN FIRING) So are these toys just, like, to take?

Magnolia Cupcakes? (SCREAMS) Rupert! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no! If he did this to you, I swear I'll kill him! And what's that box from Bloomingdale's doing here? I, uh... I don't know who this is.

(SCREAMING) My legs!

All right, this is good. In and out of this house and onto the next one. What about the reindeer? (GROWLING) Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards. Now let's get down the chimney.

Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys.

And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her.

No, No, not silicone. Silicon. And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty. What a delightful moniker. You see, Misty,

ANNOUNCER: Andnow, to fire the starting gun... is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men.

What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why?

Well, maybe it is. Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did. What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible! Someday... Someday we'll make it right.

You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own.

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you.

Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired! Oh, Man. What'll I do if I get fired? I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different. I just want to be.

I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

ALL: Aw! Oh, oh, look, everybody. It's starting. (THEME SONG PLAYING) CHOIR: There was a man He dropped out Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

Hey! It's cooked food in another house. That's exciting for life-over women like me. - We're going. - All right, fine. But I'm gonna stare at his wife's boobs so hard that when they both go into the kitchen together, it will be discussed.

There it is, Meg. What do you say we take it for a spin? Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING)

Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?

Crap. On the roof? (CREAKING) No, it's in the yard. Oh, my God.

Make fun of his wheelchair. What? What? Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair." Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair. What's that supposed to mean? Say, "I bet you can't get a boner." I bet you can't get a boner. That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one.

Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose. Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette.

All right, fine.

Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one. H-Hello? Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her! Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Everything's fine, Everything's fine.

Kind of a cheat sheet.

Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks. Oh! I meant, have a Cheese Doodle. But... whatever. It's a party.

Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard,

Meg, that's a terrible thing to say. You should marry someone you love. That's what I did. And it got us kicked out of the yacht club. Oh, You can't be mad at your father for being himself. That's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. Ah, He was so different from everyone else.

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING) (SCREAMING AND WHOOPING) (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, he is so adorable.

(ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter!

The demolition will begin in--Now. Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um, uh, skills. And...

You coming back to bed, Rob? Hang on, honey. Hang on. My jaw keeps locking up. Well, that's not NOVA at all, is it?

Where have I heard that before? It's all here in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-Life's Killers of quahog. Wow. They're all herE. John the Biter, the Berserk Hobo, the Golden Autumn Day Strangler. M-Maybe Steve won't remember you.

No one knows we're out here, and we've got no food or water. Relax, Quagmire, there's food all around us. The trick is just knowing what's safe to eat and what's not. Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival.

I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.

Hey, how you doing? Wow, he must be doing well. Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me. What do you think? I think I'm jealous of Miss "Eats anything she wants and still fits into a size four." I could scratch your eyes out.

That was a crazy one, Dick. it sure was, Ed. in this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi Watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say, "She sells seashells down by the seashore." What does your mom do For A living? She sells seashells down by the... That is kind of a tongue twister.

"I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Peter, wait. That corner's a bit of a hike for me. I'd rather just come see you at home. What? Where'd you get this kind of money? The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for. It turned a pretty nice profit.

Zip it, egghead. You with your big words and your small, difficult words. Wow. Any boy who would spend the night in that creepy place... ...sure would be the bravest fellow I ever met. That Lois is some kind of woman. Yeah. Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop.

Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo? Oh, my God! My baby is drunk!

Carter, you work too much as it is. You're not a young man anymore. You need to slow down.

It's not too late, Meg. I'm here for you.

So what?

Cowards! What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds. Um... I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it? Oh, aren't you adorable!

No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical.

Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances - Get out of here. Yeah, okay.

No. No. Uh-uh. No. Neither did the miller when he left his house that morning. (SIGHS) We got to get Joe back. Joe, please, can't we talk about this? There's nothing to talk about. I've outgrown you, Bonnie.

Mom, when's it Dad's turn? I don't know, Chris. But I think we should all pray for your father that he comes out of this uninjured. Those horses stink. And it's too hot in here. I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky. This is a disgusting display. Boy, you can say that again.

What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me. Peter, what the hell is this about?

(NATIVES YELLING) (GUN SHOTS)

Remember me, dirt bag?

Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

PETER: Let her go. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore.

Well, you're gonna think I'm an awful person,

God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here. Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement with a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel. What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think.

I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun Dance and shout

I just want to make sure you're comfortable. (BOTH MOANING) I love you, Brian. Sock it to me! What? (RITA EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) - What's wrong? Oh, nothing. When I'm on my back, sometimes my breast can slide in my armpit. Just got pinched, that's all. Okay. (BOTH MOANING)

M-Mr. Pewterschmidt, again, I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this. I--I don't know what came over me. You'd better not have ruined my race dog!

Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers! I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em? Maybe someone in space.

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING)

Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...

That rules.

Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?

Our top story. Guys, right? Yes, it's open and shut. Now let's just vote him guilty and get out of here. Look, I know everyone's in a hurry, but shouldn't we at least go over the evidence once before we vote, just to be fair? You know what would shed some light on the case?

(SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.

(GLASS SHATTERS) Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?

For the lucky For the lucky - And the strong - And the strong Just remember In the winter Far beneath

It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales. - Actually, that is religion. - Shut your trap, Brian. STEWIE: Hah! You tell him. Why? I agree with you. All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance, and that's just wrong. You think I'm... (STAMMERING)

Peter, stop it. Welcome to our home, Joan. I'm Lois. Won't you come in?

Thank you.

I'm not getting any reception! Me neither! No bars! It's all right. I'll put a message in a bottle. Now, we wait. Look, he's got a landline we can use! Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't feel right about that. We're guests, and it's long distance.

A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS?

I can't believe Lois would cheat on me. Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything.

Lucky there 's a family guy

I would really feel better if I got your information. Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong. Maybe you really don't care about this family. Peter, If you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading!

We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) How did he get in? (GROWLING) I let him in. What, was that not cool? Nice to see you, Jabba.

I got no money. I couldn't even afford to get my hair cut yesterday.

I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. What the hell! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot. Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this.

That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. Ok.

Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group. Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible!

(EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right.

Yeah, you should e-mail me that picture. Hey, boys. What the hell are you guys doing here? We just decided to have a little girls' night out. Yeah. You guys talk about this place all the time. We figured we'd give it a try. Bernice, we haven't really been dating long enough for you to be hanging out with my friends' wives. - Shut up, Cleveland! - Okay.

What? Come on over here, son. Hand me the paper, so I don't need to use my grabber. Mmm. That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there. Uh, Thanks. Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself? Oh, That's ok, mister.

Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future. We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig?

That's finger suckin' good, huh? It's an old policemen's recipe. Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket. Joe, you're so funny. Ah, They love that one down at the Precinct. This sucks, Brian. Joe is stealing my thunder.

Excellent, excellent! Hello. oh, We're not Jewish. But I hear you people have such lovely services. Oh, my God! I--I didn't mean "you people."

That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago.

The Skull and Bones elders are now ready to admit you to our ranks. As is customary with all our new members, you now have to spend seven minutes in the closet with our most senior member. We don't start the clock until the door closes. You know, Grandpa, I don't think I wanna go through with it. We all had to do it, Chris. Now get in there.

No, I just wanted to tell him something. No, I'd like to talk to you, too. It's just that-- Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland. I don't feel obligated. I want to. You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk?

What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it.

You guys! Brian's famous! You're a hero! Way to go, pal! Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really.

Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?

And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me? No. Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again? I'm busy. I set up a video camera last night, so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real. And I want to see what I got.

Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it.

(GROANS)

So, what do we do here? Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do. Giggity Giggity. Yeah, but first you usually go over there and pull down that blonde waitress' top. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (SLAP) She screamed, so I had to slap her.

Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it.

Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Peter, stop scratching that thing. I can't. It's itching like crazy. Dad, can I scratch your beard? Have you finished your homework? Yes. Ok then. Brian, you've been awfully quiet. Is the community service not going that well? Oh, lois, It's horrible. I was cleaning her house all day.

lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

Don't you think it's kind of weird that he's in kindergarten and he's still hanging around kids our age? Hey! We are very lucky. Oh! Here I go!

aHh! My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve.

I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me.

You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out! Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk?

So, broccoli, Mother says you're very good for me. I'm afraid I'm no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy. And I know this! Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't.

There's only one way to settle this. Russian RouletTe. 3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No--no--No. Wait a minute, this is crazy. You first. Whoa, whoa, whoa, There's gotta be a way for you all to enjoy the trophy.

He's a family guy

Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world!

Come on. Let's go! Yeah! But wait, this is our last chance to do a panty raid! (GIRLS SCREAMING) Yay! Fat camp! We got it! Oh, no, a gust of wind! (WIND HOWLING) Oh, Chris, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here, safe and sound.

Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game!

(COMPUTER BEEPING) They did not need much. All right, Stewie, your turn. Okay, I have to destroy Copenhagen with a tidal wave, and the theme is the Roaring Twenties. That's... That's a challenge.

I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2... aah!

That's Long John Peter to you, porthole. (ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties!

So, what do you guys wanna do now? Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois. The sun revolves around me. I'm the one who's got to go to court tomorrow. Peter, isn't there anything I can do to talk you out of this lawsuit? Hey, I was violated sexually, and that man is going to pay. And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer.

Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been. Shh.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't care. And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows?

A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

Sorry about that. Bad girl, Holly. No jumpies!

I am going to kill that man. That man is my girlfriend Meg. (PETER CHUCKLES) This is against everything our people stand for.

You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything. Lois, you're not gonna believe this! Meg just said "Da-Da!" Her first words? Then she stood up by herself and started walking!

Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh! (GASPS) Ahhh!

Girls, I'm gonna be at the park later.

Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going.

Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop!

Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not.

But you owe me later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

That sounds great! That's a great idea, Lois. Crisscross! Yes, that is a crisscross. Yes! So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House.

Wouldn't help me anyway. It's a hopeless situation. If you ever want to get anywhere with this girl, you gotta ditch that negative attitude. You're as bad as Negatron.

Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them!

and God knows I didn't want to... Wait... You didn't want to move in with me? Well, honestly, no. Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it.

We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us. Good point, tom. We're even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio. Freak. So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples!

Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this!

Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me. Save it, Patrick. We know you escaped from the asylum and killed Bill. We'll just call him "Bill" for now. Escaped? I didn't escape. Just this morning, a very nice gentleman opened my cell door and said I was free to go.

so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!

Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland. I think you created a monster. Well, there's only one thing to do, Lois. We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it. To the Hinden-Peter!

Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

(Brian) What do you think? Ok, somebody's gonna have to explain that to me.

Who are you working for? The Libyans? The French? Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you?

Stewie, time for breakfast!

What does that cloud look like to you? To me it looks like rain! I used that joke at work. I'm the funniest guy at the office. They say I should do standup. This is insane!

That's why I always use a condom. (LAUGHING) Sorry. I'm sorry.

Ah! What the heck? NudisT! My dad's a tailor, you jerk!

and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad, there's a reason that they call it dope. Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So my advice to the two of you would be...

Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying!

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.

There's no reason things should be any different around here. Shalom, Jews. Wow, Dad! Where did you get all that glistening chest hair? It came with my Star of David. Everyone, from now on our lives will be better. We'll be wealthy, our sons will become doctors, and we'll be in charge of charity, so we don't have to contribute to them.

Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on? I just woke up from a nap and I feel drafty. Peter, we don't have air conditioning. Well, that's awful peculiar. (GASPS) Oh, my God. Peter, look. Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell? Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh. (GRUNTING)

And the other night, I had to do a... Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night. Ah, I can't believe you're serving a 3-year sentence, it seems so harsh.

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

Hey, Meg, you here for the expired hot dogs? No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris. I've looked everywhere and I can't find him. - I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out. - (KNOCKING) Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy.

(SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People.

Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt.

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do? - Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone. - What? R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him.

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie.

Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace, and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you. I-It's just Noodle Caboodle. Hey, what are these hard things? M&Ms. I ran out of paprika. Magnificent. Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie!

Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here!

A candle? I can get a candle now. You couldn't have grabbed me one of his original notebooks? You know, I didn't have to bring you back anything. It's almost like you didn't.

Oh, Peter, you look exhausted! I am, Lois. Life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal. Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo, I only made 25 bucks. Now, look, don't get upset, but I've been so worried about you that I asked someone for help.

So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING)

You know, I'm really... I'm sensing something here that... I should be going. No, how about you stay here and I leave and never come back again? Stewie, this isn't how I wanted it to end. But you did want it to end. You've made that perfectly clear.

Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, Brian. You want to see what I drew in arts and crafts at daycare? This is called Happy Son.

Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault.

Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom. It's not supposed to be funny. It's a serious drama about a single father raising his four-year-old daughter. Oh, right. That's the other thing. Now, this is just a thought, but we're doing it. - She's 18. - What? It was James Woods' idea and we thought it was just the right hook. I mean, how great is that?

Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one. Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome. I've always thought you were handsome. Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing."

Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

"I need a character. I need a backstory. "I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.

(SCREAMING)

And we also want to remind you that Fox News switches to high definition starting Monday. Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great. I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that. I'm telling you, this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden. Oh, my God! Peter! When did you get that? Eh, a few of the fellows at work talked me into it,

We're just gonna have to try and figure out the code. When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. Don't worry about it, Brian. MAN: Hey, what's going on down there? Nothing. All right. All right, now, where would they keep a dead body in a pharmaceutical lab?

what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.

But secretly, I'm just, like, "Hey, man... "Where is the chase and how do I cut to it?" Wow, you're smart. What?

You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing. Now everybody pair up! All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out. Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard? Oh, Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs.

the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.

Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore.

You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

particularly proud of. WEll, That does it for me. Let's go, Peter. Wait! You can't go. Uh, After dinner, we usually go into the living room and, uh, live for another 40 or 50 years. 40 or-- Let's go. I guess this is good-bye.

(CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!

You're mine now, Lois! Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

Hurry, Peter, Steve's gonna be here in 5 minutes! Aw, crap! We're dead!

He also speaks Orange. - Mandarin, honey. - Mandolin. What luck, huh? Wow, sweetie! That was amazing! I don't think I could do that again in a million years. (BOTH GROANING)

He just has to take his 12 baths a day. I don't like Dad anymore! I invited some friends over to jump on him like a trampoline... ...but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet.

I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist. Get it? Tooth hurty?

Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him. God, I hate this freaking cat.

Who's that? Only the deadliest fighter in all of women's boxing. She's killed three people in the ring. BRIAN: Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian. I know why you're retiring, Griffin! You're scared! Scared? Of what? Of me! Look at these people, giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums!

And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more!

Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Why the hell is it taking her so long to read that thing? I don't know, I saw her giving Joe notes on his pilot this morning.

Well, that's awful nice, Peter. What's the occasion? Lois' life insurance policy paid off. I've got more money than Barbra Streisand. Honey, I'm going shopping. And I was gonna valet park. I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois.

What's that, honey? Oh, yes. Hang on. Marian wants some coffee. Lois, did you see that? He's nuts. Brian, he's been locked up in that place for 30 years. It's perfectly understandable that he'd invent an imaginary companion. Yes. He's even more imaginative than the people who invented singing.

Excellent. This is so important, I'm going to sign it with all capital letters. It's going to say, "ADAM WEST." That's what it's going to say, you'll see. Hey, buddy, you can't go in there. (PANTING) Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten thousand signatures. I've been up for 24 hours,

Gary the No-Trash Cougar.

Dad, can I have money for dance classes? Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. I'd pay to see you not dance. When will you be back? I don't know. But I'll be sure to be back before Chris' big dance class recital. I believe in that boy. I don't want to dance! You'll dance!

Oh, Don't make me beg, now. Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye. Get your fat ass back here.

who I'm looking forward to meeting, and I hope is making steakums tonight. Hey, Meg, wanna ditch and go to the mall? Sure. See you, Lando. Ah, This is great. Not only did I live long enough to see Meg go to her first dance, but I'm taking her, too.

Coming up, our horribly outdated scams reporter, Ken Redowski, gets angry about a product you don't care about. Digital bathroom scales! Thanks, Ken.

I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers.

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Not so good, Peter. Yeah, me either. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster! Come on, let me make it up to you. Let me buy you a beer. No, that seat's taken. Move along, Peter. What are you talking about? You guys are my pals. We used to be, Peter. Now, scram.

Don't waste your time. I'm not going to change my mind. I don't know, Bri. I can make things happen when I want to. Just ask my twin brother. And here's baby boy number one. I understand you've decided to name him Stewie. One more to go. And here he... Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, no, did Dave not make it?

I still can't believe they're gone. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Well, I'll be the one to say it. What are you gonna do about the baby? Let's keep it for parts! You know, Lois, you're not a young woman. Odds are that baby's gonna be chromosomally damaged, like those cats you see in the Special Animalympics.

I am not, in fact, the president of Hot Wheels. And I also lied about the giant chef's hat. I do not have one. Mmm-hmm. Well, the small lies don't matter. Let's go. (SIGHS) Why am I doing this? You know, I got the greatest wife in the world, and we have one beautiful child.

My God, look at this mess. "Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, "shall we maybe clean the place up? "No, it's okay, he won't mind." Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans? All right, Lord Vader, you win.

Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose. What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right. But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf.

That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

(SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive? (GROANING) You're alive. Okay, I won't... I won't eat you then.

Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? Peter, you're, uh-- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories. But First I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things, and-- Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me. Oh, my God. Dad's a chick.

- Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ,

How dare you? How dare you? How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

And you do Thank goodness I've got you Watch this. Are you watching?

Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter. That ought to slow them down.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

(EXCLAIMS) No gravity. There he is! Oh, go on. No, really, go on. (ALL LAUGHING) Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein, senior executive of programming here at the network. We are so happy to be working with you.

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast!

MALE NARRATOR: In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention. These men promptly returned home and drank some beer. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The A-Team.

I do, too! Peter, That was our emergency money, and your daughter just so happens to need a new pair of glasses.

- Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING)

10, 9, 8...

WhaT?

Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

Oh, You would bring that up. Can't you leave the past where it belongs? Peter, What's wrong with you? BEcausE I've already explained that to you! It was a scavenger hunt! What the hell is going on herE? Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone, please flip the tape over to side B.

Hey, uh, Make yourself at home, Death. I'm, uh, I'm going out for a little while. HEy, wAiT, Wait. You can't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dirE. Go on. That's it. What the hell do you see in him?

Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great. You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours. Look, I realize Quahog isn't the small town it used to be, but it's still very special to me. It's my home. Yeah, come on, guys, she's got dyed roots in this community.

Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel.

Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you brought our family to the edge of the abyss, and at the very last minute, you saved us all. I love you, honey. And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.

All right, well, if we just stick together, then... Zap, zap, zap! What the... No way! How'd you learn to do that? The question isn't how I do it. It's how I forgive myself for what I've done. (MUFFLED ZAP) Yeah, winner! Right here! All right, pal, what do I get?

so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg." ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud. Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family.

your... aSS.

Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann-Margret? - Anybody I want? - Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me. Babs. My mother? Yeah. W-W-Why? It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked.

First one to have a bead of neck sweat reach their butt crack wins. All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!

I'll have the halibut. Ah, great choice. One of the chef's specialties, you'll love it. It was caught fresh less than ten miles from here. I'll have the New York strip steak. Mmm. My absolute favorite dish here. It is a spectacular cut, superbly seasoned and the marbling is some of the best I've ever seen. And I'll have the chicken.

Oh! Is there anything else we should know about? - Oh, have you not heard? - Heard what? A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word, a-well-a...

Mmm. (CHEWING AND SIPPING) Mmm. That concludes today's session of Book Talk.

QUAGMIRE: That's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.

What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry. What's that big thing around his neck? Oh, I'll show you. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly.

Well, sure, I... Wait, who's the fourth? Oh, my new girlfriend. Here she is. Jillian? Hi, Brian. How are you? Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal? Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh!

and young Skywalker will be one of us. We're still doing that initiation thing we talked about, right? Oh, yeah! Where you rub your wang on a fruit salad and we watch him eat it? You bet! You ate the whole thing, remember? (LAUGHS) Yeah, most of it.

Excellent. Then we have a deal. (SIGHS) Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out. I'll just take him for a ride in the car, he'll forget all about it. (SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car!

(BOTH GASP) Oh, my God! Meg's dating a convict! Looks like Consuela's son is in prison. I see you soon, Rodrigo. (AGREES IN SPANISH)

You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past. Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies.

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. It's something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours. LOIS: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes. BONNIE: And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated.

Excuse me. Shouldn't that be "whom"? Ok, you.

Isn't anybody gonna thank me? Yeah, I'll have a water if you're getting one. Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!

Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes. You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die!

Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit".

What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

I wouldn't count on it, Lois.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes!

I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend. Ugh! Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor? She's fine. Sea Breeze will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for another 9 weeks. She's pregnant.

(RINGING) Hello? Oh, hi, Angela. Hang on. Peter, it's your boss! I don't want to talk to her. She's gonna harass me. Oh, don't be such a baby! I'm sorry, Angela, Peter can't talk. He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture.

Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase.

Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives!

Stewie, there you are. Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here. No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started! No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses. Look, there's my face.

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to--

And the Yew Nork Nankees bave heaten the Oltimore Borioles nive to foo here at Yamden Cards. The Borioles now lace a fong toad rip where they'll face the Sed Rox, the Revil Days and the Jue Blays.

Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite. Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA?

Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio. 2 minutes, uh, everybody. 2 Minutes. ...Feh--feh--feh fi--fi--fi--fi fo--fo--fo-- Jeez, full house. Well, well, Look who came crawling back. Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?

Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool. Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen for a sec...

Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

Here it comes. Could-- Could you please find it in your heart to spare him? After all, i-it isn't really his timE. What did you make this cocoa out of, crap? If you want me to make it again, I-- Sorry, Lois. I-it's my fault. I just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap! I'll be right back. I brought you something to rEAd.

(POWER DRAINING)

I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do? Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God!

Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... I'm telling you how it's done. They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going?

He's in jail. Dad, my God, are you ok?

Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry, i--i--I can't eat this. Oh, Because it's not kosher. Yeah, let's go with that.

Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.

No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!

They've outlawed all abortions Late or early It's a sin we can't abide What if you find a fetus left abandoned? We just take it and we jam it back inside

Hundred bucks, Blake is gay We'll do the best we can with Meg Are you saying I'm ugly? It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess--

Ha ha. Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York! Ha ha! This does not affect us at all, ha ha! Ha ha!

Hey, Meg. Hi, Carl. Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? Are you, like, a bitch or something? No, I have friends. Oh.

(IN DEEP TONE) They're going with "B." Those sons of bitches made it about money. Yeah, Joe. So, what do you say? They didn't care about you. Why should you care about them? The thing is, you guys committed a crime. And I've still got the evidence to prove it. Too bad I lost it.

(EXCLAIMS) (GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you Yeah, I'd die for you

Dad, all it's done is run on that wheel for the past three weeks. Yeah, looks like it's in pretty good shape. Can I pick it up? I wouldn't.

Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite.

So You're just gonna let them recast me?

I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy. Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other, 'cause they have so much fun cleaning the dishes. AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me.

Jeez. CatDog. What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands, that's what... That's what happens. All right, look, let's get some music going on in here. Where's the Lullaby Channel? (RADIO CLICKS ON) (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Ho-ho! The Porn Identity. Who am I? Oh, yeah, the pizza man. (MIMICKING '80S PORN SOUNDTRACK) Ho-ho! Peter, can you pass the coffee? Sure, Brian the dog. Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING)

Linda Evans and John Forsythe

Peter, we'd given up hope. I can't tell you how happy I am that you're alive. Oh, come here, sweetheart. Wait, Peter. There's something you should know. I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but I got remarried. What? It was a very difficult time and he was there for us.

Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire.

Superman. Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman.

No, Peter, we're in the Northeast. We are? And K.I.S.S. is coming to the Northeast. That--That means... Um, That means-- No, no, Lois! Don't help me! It means we can do something. Come on, Peter. You're almost there.

Pick that up and cook it into something delicious or knit it into something that's useful to me! (CRYING) Are you ready to make out now? Why in the world would I want to do that after what you just said? You're obviously not the person I thought you were! I never want to see you again!

Okay, sure, sure, relax, relax. It's just, well, you don't... You don't really do any of those things, do you? Yeah, I do. Wait. What are you talking about? It's just, I don't know... I mean do you really live with purpose? How could you say that to me? Just calling it like I see it.

Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is. But... Well, wait, I... I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma. Right, no, no... Uh. I was talking about a different movie. Let's play ball! Yeah, let's play ball. PETER: Ow!

You know, I've never actually read any of Limbaugh's stuff, but this book makes an excellent case for personal accountability, fiscal responsibility, and steak eatership. But you're a hardcore liberal. Rush Limbaugh is a right wing extremist.

I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD) Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God.

I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh-oh. You want to get some breakfast or something?

This is so weird. Look what they used to pack your book in. Shredded-up pieces of your book. Okay, that's it, I'm finished. What are you talking about? I'm finished. I'm done. It's over. Clearly, I am not meant to be a writer. I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out.

He's just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality. Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite. He's insecure. And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday!

Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car? Blast! Ooh! A penny! Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!

Really? That's so great to hear. (TAIL WAGGING) And risking your life for those kids? You're a good guy, Brian. A really good guy. Wow. Thanks. (TAIL WAGGING) (THUMPING) What's that thumping noise?

(WOMAN YELLS)

Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING)

All right, enough with the yappity-yap. O.J. is going to stay here with us in Quahog until I can help him get his life back on track. Hi, Lois. (GASPS) Hello, O.J. Anything I can do to help make dinner? Sure. You can take the lasagna out of the oven.

Peter, you can't just suck 200 pounds of fat out of yourself. I-It's not natural.

No, no, not all terrorists are Arab.

Look, James, your last movie was killer at the box office. Your q-rating is through the roof. It's time we ditched the W.B. and concentrate on features. sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice. Oh. Will you sign my ass? Do You have a pen?

I... I mean, it's gotta be Priscilla. She's the only one who's not here.

Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook. LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

All clear? ALL: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's do this! Guys, we're stopping at the bathroom first. Okay? So if you're not comfortable with me as a person, please circulate yourselves to the outer edges of the group. (UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object. Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter!

Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal. I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake." Yeah, Dave Matthews Live. I'll burn you a copy. Stay cool. Hey, Joe, what you got there? Mountain bike.

We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.

It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true. All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch. And as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. (MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

You want to get me laid? Yes, Peter, because I don't want to lose you. Well, it would make us even.

I wonder what the guys are up to? oh, That's nasty.

I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka.

Damn! I was two days from retirement. R2? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. All right, now what do I click? Click "preferences."

(MAN READING)

- Griffin, you're fired! - For what? We've had it with your crap. I talked to the coach, and he's selling your contract to another team. And the only one that'll take you is the worst football team in Europe,

Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet. (LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands! Nice job, man!

Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back. STEWIE: Hmm. I think I have time for a quickie. (MACHINE BEEPING) (WHIRRING)

Not bad, though. Peter, Death just agreed to let you live. Oh, man. This really is my night. I get to live, and I'm on T.V. Our top story tonight, the rules of death no longer apply. That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa,

or are you simply gonna tell me that I'm wrong? I'm simply pointing out... Yes, we know. You're very well-read. But this is poetry we're talking about, and I think when it comes to poetry, you can't be wrong. What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt.

Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved,

Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. - Hey, Stewie. Peekaboo! - Yes, I see you, fat man. Where's Daddy? Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible. I can hear you, but I can't see....

And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. TERRORIST: We missed!

Boy, you got here just in time.

Ok, Connie. You're up. Connie Demico does toad?

Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house? Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you... over at Glamour next Monday...

Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?

Come on, you guys. No time to lose! Ahh! Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

LOIS: And that's when Chris was born. Gosh, that's all so fascinating. Let me ask you something else. Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about? - Oh, God, yes. - Oh, my God. Quagmire, shut up. We're here.

Now, if you want to go with a scent, I've got P.B. and J., Sugar Cereal, and New Toy. What the deuce? Hey, Somebody dropped a money clip. Wow! $26. I've never seen so much money at one time! What do you think we should we do with it? I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out.

Oh, I hate vegetables. Honey, they're good for you. Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime. Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh!

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good?

Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

Anyone else have to go to the little girl's room? I have new gloss. " love gloss. Gloss rhymes with hair. - STEWIE: Dude, that was painful. - What are you doing here? Did you follow us? Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here? Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'm gonna have to break it off.

Ok, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter. Ooh! What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I... Oh, Wait a minute.

Peter, I'm waiting. I'm comin'. You came unarmed?

I can't believe she went ahead and did it. After I specifically told her how I felt. Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to... (SNIFFING) Lois just peed on something. - Hey, Brian, you picking up on that? - Yeah. LOIS: It worked, everybody! I'm pregnant! Damn it! This has gone too far.

I'll be on your bed. No calls. Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner. Really? All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it. Mm-uah. Peter, I spent all morning cleaning up the house. And in 5 seconds, you turn it into low tide at the pier.

Come on, Dad! Maybe we can get the birds to act out the Benson where a scheduling snafu forces the governor to decide between meeting the President or going to Katie's school play! (EXCLAIMING) Scatterbrain governor. Well, there she is. A birdhouse. I just hope whoever moves in doesn't mind the Persian birds next door.

The last half hour, I've been having all pee dreams. All the scopes are dead! I can't see a thing! Sorry, that's me. I was still using an electronic device. Okay, that's much better. Now I can see the swamp... The swamp!

Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay, but remember, this is my class. Now, there are a number of natural ways that males and females interact. That's right! Allow me to demonstrate. Hey, Rainbow Brite. Hello, Shakespeare. I am all done writing plays for the day.

Peter, you're all right! I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life. Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

Come on. Come on. Go away!

What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look.

There were so many of us. But frankly, I don't give a shit.

That kid was Indian and 11 years old. Where are you finding my friends?

Peter, it's "Obama." You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares? It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you.

I am, I am.

Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my... Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil!

- Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. Honey, be careful. This Pelican's Reef sounds dangerous. That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois.

Daddy's never gonna tell me the truth. The only way to find out is to check the family records.

Well, Lois, I got the cake. Oh, and they were all out of the bride and groom figurines, so I got the Iron Giant and a courtroom doll that kids use to show where the molester touched them. All right, Meg, enjoy your bachelorette party. I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see what you crazy girls are gonna do while I'm gone,

Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here!

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT!

Hmm. Mrs. Griffin, let me show you some pictures he drew in class. Notice anything unusual? I sure do.

Hurry it up! (HORN HONKING) Wait a second. Now get in line, you! Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field. But, Dad, we've been plowing all morning. Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk. Look, I know it seems like dirty work,

Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready. Maybe if you loosen my chains? We tried that. Remember, honey? You can't be trusted.

Wow, Brian, that's a great idea. And, hey, maybe I could give the speech at your graduation. I'm really good at that. And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope, all I can think is, "You are completely screwed." As Martin Luther King once said, "Ouch, I've been shot." Thank you.

Oh, my God! (GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God!

You know what that means. STEWIE: You spent the last 10 minutes parked in front of the house, crying in your car? Not now, Peter. I'm doing story time with Stewie. STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can.

(WHISPERS) That was fun. Yeah. Now you're gettin' it.

And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it. I guess I thought that if I could bring you down, you wouldn't start to notice that you're too good for me and run off looking for another fella. Peter, that's ridiculous. I love you. Why? Maybe I like fat guys.

Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) That's our guy!

it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug. Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia Airport, where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing.

Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING)

YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right. Joe, look to the right.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.

I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.

And just like Helen Keller said... (MUMBLING) But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear Hey!

To me it just proves that we're truly meant to be together. Oh... I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lois. BOTH: Mmm... By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute, 'cause our phone bill was $7,000.

I just thought you might try to mount her or whatever it is you guys do. Peter, how could you even think that? I would never do anything like that to you. You were my boy. We were like family. Yeah, I know. I messed up bad. I'm really sorry, Jerome. We're cool, Peter. We're cool.

Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power

You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats. Hey--Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather,

I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic! Hello. I was there, see? (SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here.

Treaches on the upper with the trang sang.

God, she's a pain in the ass! I wish Dad was still dead.

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool.

They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh.

Yeah? hmm.

And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair, that's why I'm naming you my Chief of Police.

Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"? What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING) (SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy! PETER: I can't get involved 'cause of journalism.

Wow, maybe, you should enter the contest, Dad. I'll bet you could win. Well, I would, Chris, if I wasn't so obsessed with my figure. Wait a minute. Chris, have you ever eaten anything? Only, like, all the time! Perfect! Now we just need the 50 bucks. Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have named that star for Mort. (GROANS) Just give me the money.

Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he? Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me. Oh, Look. My very own lion! Oh, My God! Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Okay.

How?

(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good.

And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING)

Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? Of course. Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.

It makes this whole exercise seem less bizarre Than it really is when you actually stand back And examine it with some objectivity Amen PRIEST: Please be seated.

I won't, I swear! (SOBBING)

(GRUNTING) My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)

Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What?

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself,

Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink. Oh, cool. Two spots opened up. (STAMMERING) You go ahead. I can wait. I might wait for a stall. Oh, come on, Peter. We're missing the game. Hey. Hi. Hey.

I suck. Hey, maybe we get out of the woods before nightfall,

Hey, there's Renee Zellweger. Hey, Renee, how you doing?

I need about a dozen. Actually, better make it like 600. That's it, Peter! I'm not a servant. And I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies! Jeez. Where the hell did that come from? Watch the kids. I'm taking a hot bath. Put me down, you blunderbuss!

All right, come on, if Mission Control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard. Okay, okay, uh, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Then we'll have unlimited lives.

I've heard enough. I do believe that Brian would be a successful parent. However, if he was to repeat his actions at the dog track, he would be setting a bad example for his puppies. Therefore, I grant Brian custody with the condition that he be neutered first. Yeah! You did it, buddy! Oh, Congratulations! Oh, man! What does "neutered" mean?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Busy Business Lady Whose Life Is Missing Something, But She Doesn't Realize It Because She's So Busy With Business. No, no, I cannot make that business meeting. I've got a different business meeting at 3:00, and will be doing business there. I was wondering if you're free for coffee. Oh, no, I can't! I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch.

(ANNA LEE CRYING) Oh, God. Hang on a second. Okay, okay, stop. Just stop crying. Stop crying, Anna Lee. No wonder. You dropped your pacifier.

After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience. All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now. What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why. Really? You don't know why?

Check out my penis! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Yeah. I am ready for sex! I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode! Is there more underneath, or is that it?

Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah! Excuse me, Your Honor?

Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick.

Hello? Oh, hey, Lois. This is somebody else now. There must've been a cross-connection. My name is Mike, and I'm somewhere else trying to make my own call. LOIS: Fine, Mike. You tell Peter he's in trouble when he gets home. You can tell him yourself, because Mike is Peter! Oh, my God. Are you serious?

And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Fuck, yeah!

QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter, what's up? I'm stuck at the stupid ballet. Get out of here. You serious? Yeah.

Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sure. That'd be great. Cool. I'll call you later. Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

Damn it. (LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

But we're cool, right? (SIGHS) Peter, we have to talk. Look, I thought this FCC thing was a good idea at first, but it's-- it's just gone way too far. What, uh, are you saying, Lois? Well, I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right. I don't believe it! Finally I can do this!

Hi, there, I'm Brian Griffin, and you're listening to The Lunch Hour, serving up food for the mind. Today's entree is politics. What's on your mind today? The governor's budget? Stem cell research? Give us a hot spoonful of your opinion. Okay, we have a question from Quahog.

look him right in the eye, and he's butter. Ooh! What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I... Oh, Wait a minute. Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room,

Running, throwing, lifting big things.

(LAUGHS) I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time. You suck donkey ass. Now you can't prove that. That was so humiliating!

All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint. Joe, shh! Peter's about to start. We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members,

Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token. This thing's got to be worth 50 grand.

December's Mirabella.

Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something. PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh! What a very interesting thing. Brian, can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this Abercrombie & Fitch catalog? What do you want to order? Oh, wait, let me guess. Him.

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

(GASPING) DVDs! Oh, books.

Brian! Brian, help me! Brian!

Ow. Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it!

Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson. Sh-sh-she's new. I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later... Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic.

I had a great time today at the museum. You were the most beautiful woman there. You know, Lois won't be home from groceries for a while. I have an idea.

Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit? All right, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna ask you a series of questions to determine whether or not you can be impartial jurors. First off, do any of you have any prejudices you feel the court should know of?

No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure! No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I...

We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you.

Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

Aah! Let's get out of here! stop it! Stop it!

a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh!

Hey, muscly arm, why the long face? Oh, It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something. Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Well, sure. Then you need to come on down to the cellar.

Look, just go to sleep, all right?

Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done.

He had a note from his doctor. He brought a note from his doctor. It's a suicide bombing.

Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

MADAME CLAUDE: And so Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

Your life would have been more miserable than a lonely old widow living in a downstairs apartment.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Yeah, totally. Hell, yeah. (WOMEN CHUCKLING) (I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.

Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You.

(EXCLAIMS)

Quagmire? Cleveland, close the window! You're letting the stank out!

R2? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Almost... Ow!

Getting shot in the face. Shot in the face. There you go. I see you're kind of stealing mine, but it's okay. Leukemia. Having a mosquito bite you on your scab. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh! There's your thunder. Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer.

Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld. Gentlemen, we need to talk. My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke. That's just not true. What about this toy?

I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way. Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...

All right. All right. That's it. That's enough. Peter, what are you doing? Lois, if you being a model means you're going to be eye-candy... for the whole town, then I ain't going for it. Excuse me? Who do you think you are, my father?

So, What the hell, Brian? You cured yet?

Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly

What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know?

There are no parachutes! All I could find was this! A raft? We're not sinking. We're crashing!

In fact, as I say to all the ladies, Giggity Giggity.

What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!

Do you like Coldplay? Uh, am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay. God, Toby, I can't believe how much we have in common. - It's like we were meant to find each other. - I know.

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?

A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Uh, is--Is that a beer hall?

Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man.

Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex? Hmm... (EXCLAIMING)

(DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY) (LIVELY TUNE BEGINS) Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable. I hate vegetables. (LAUGHING) Don't worry about her, Mr. Schiavo.

He's got, like, a windsock thing going on. So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Look, Zack, i'm--I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this. I mean, i--I've been around. You know, i've--I've licked my share of peanut butter. But i--I just think you need to find yourself a new director.

Anyhoo, have you told him how good it is? No. I just read it. He gave it to me 'cause he wanted my feedback. Okay, listen to me. Tell Stewie it's awful, it's garbage. Do whatever you have to do, Brian, but never let him know he's got talent. Yeah, you're right. It won't be so hard. After all, I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter.

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

(TIRES SCREECHING) Jeez. CatDog. What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands, that's what...

I don't really care. No, you're just smart enough and you're just clever enough to occasionally amuse me. If I had anybody else, anybody else to choose from, I would. You are the best of a bad situation. Nothing more. I use you, man. Yeah, I would know if you were using me. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit.

Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby.

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now!

Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here. Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.

What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold. Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail? No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass! Yeah? Well, That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseaseS!

Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh... Well, I lost my train of thought.

Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00, and home by 11:00. Oh!

The scene outside the U. S. - Petorian border as the sun rises on Day 1 of Operation Desert Clam. Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons. We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site of the U.S. blockade. Tom.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.

And boogerS. I feel like we've been walking in circles. I don't know how you can find anything in this city. It's so confusing. Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out. even though she could never straighten out Bill. I love when you use topical humor.

Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter! M-m-Mr. Griffin, please. please. I--I invited you here so that Chris could make an impression on the art community.

You don't join their party, they'll come get you. But Dad, the T.V.'s back on. What do you know? Ok, let's go. Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some T.V. together? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.

Hello? Wh-Where is everybody? I'm--I'm the only brain cell left. Well, At least I have my books.

Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

Han, that's kind of dark. Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside! (MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry! All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face.

Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

My God, it's extraordinary.

but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

(SCREAMS) Rupert! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no!

Come on in. Come on in. Tell old Stew. Okay, well, first, the seminar was terrific. I absorbed so much. And then I get back here last night, and I meet an incredible woman. You know, I've heard the phrase "soul mate" for years, and I never got it till last night. Well, I've got a woman story for you that you're not gonna believe.

Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt. Your dad once drank me under the table.

Can you spare some change? Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog? That's me! I mean, that was me. Yeah, sure. No, I mean it. That was me. Get away from me, you crazy animal!

So, how'd it go at the clinic?

Fine. If that's the way you want it, but we're not going to go down easy. Okay, that was easy. But I'll be back with more handicapped guys.

Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about. And you'll see you're being taken for a ride, like a snail on the back of a turtle. Slow down! I want to get there, but I want to get there alive!

The Bachelorette comes to Ouahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. But there will be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00. Oh, my God! The Bachelorette is coming to Ouahog. That's, like, my favorite show ever.

And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.

And this is the hand that caused all the trouble. Got your nose, little guy. (SCREAMING) Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear.

You should've told me... You should've told me...

Well, thanks to no gravity in space my spine stretched, and I am now a confident 6'3", so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman. Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die. And we're prepared for that. Yeah, so there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own Web-based Internet series. Sounds like it could be right up my alley. Is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name?

Welcome back to K.I.S.S. Forum, Rhode island Public Access' most popular show about K.I.S.S. Lois, hurry! It's back on! Calm down, Peter. You know I wouldn't miss a second of this. Ok, let's take a call. You're on K.I.S.S. Forum. K.I.S.S. rules! Whoo! Ok, good call. Good call. Ha! Ha! All right. HEy, You're on K.I.S.S. Forum.

WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God!

No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check.

I know I've said that before, a lot of times, and it's always blown up in my face. QUAGMIRE: Giggity. But this time it's different. I know it's gonna work.

Holy crap, it's Chris.

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about. How was the cast party? We're a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. It's the greatest feeling in the world. Yeah, I bet it is.

Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.

Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT?

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.

Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!

You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister.

All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves, and we'll deliver this baby. These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I always keep the gloves. Well, Maybe if I dig deeper. Nope. Just feels like more needles. Well, That's the craziest thing.

Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay?

I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby!

That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding. License and registration, please. Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir, you know what that means. I don't understand why I gotta do dishes at your house just 'cause I...

Get up, you jerk.

Peter, you got to stay awake. The spelling bee's tomorrow! But, Lois, I'm scared. There's no way I can compete against those other kids. It's like trying to beat schpupel champion Fjurg Van Der Ploeg at a game of schpupel. (CROWD CHEERING)

Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here. Let's call it a night. Do you want to win this thing or not? We haven't even talked about how you'll wear your ears. I was thinking up. I need a cocktail. Don't push too hard, Peter.

Oh, Emily, Wuthering Heights was truly splendid. Oh, no, Charlotte, Jane Eyre was so very brilliant. I made blood out me lady parts! Good for you. So we've all done something. It's happening now. Ah. It's a period joke. It's a period period joke. (LAUGHING) Okay, moving on.

Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at The Clam? That's a great idea. Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

No, your right hand. LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!

I was just trying to make the show better. Hell, I wish I could do it with all the shows. Yeah, well, you only have one Nielsen box. You don't have the clout to affect national shows. Damn it. I guess that means I'll never get to see an episode of Superman

Hey, guys, how ya doin'? Come on in. (RAPIDLY) No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just go around it. He's not gonna hurt ya. Just go around it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. All right, try just going under him.

Okay, just remember to act confident. You're gonna do great. You look real grown up. Uh, yes, I'd like to buy some alcohol, please. Okay, can I see your ID? I don't have one. You don't? No, it's me, Chris. Oh, hey, Chris. Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol?

I mean, Really! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself? Great party, Griff. Girls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks. Oh! I meant, have a Cheese Doodle. But... whatever. It's a party.

What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it? Give me your badge. Fine!

Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage.

Hey, Denise? It's me. Brian. Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you,

If you don't like starfish, you're gonna be mad about what I just did! Oh! God, help! You're in for it now, buddy! I got, like, five fish coming to help. Here they are! Help! He's hurting me! Well, maybe you shouldn't have led him on.

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies, but one passenger had survived, gone home and mercilessly beat his wife.

We're family. This is what we do for each other.

- Oh, I remember her. - Yeah. You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas in addition to Adventures in Babysitting. One of those underrated actresses that was always talented and beautiful, and never quite popped, if you know the meaning. - Who, Elisabeth Shue? - Yeah.

And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony. Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that?

Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous. I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche. Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller. All right, stand back. This could be dangerous. Oh, laundry room. Laundry room, everybody!

We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit.

There you go. You're all getting it now. (ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

Lois, we're living in a red state with a bunch of right-wing nut jobs. Hey, Chris, check out my belt buckle. It says, "Everything's bigger in Texas." (LAUGHING) Belts are a great way to express opinions.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

(ALARM BLARING) Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here. What are you trying to do? Once I locate the proper code sequence, this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims.

All right, past. Here I come. Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire.

I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka. Oh, he's adorable. Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy.

all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!

Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one. Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! We did it! Oh, what's this? What's this? It says right here we won! We won, you dicks! You suck!

You guys, I think this is a meth lab. Oh, my God. You mean like as in... D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? What's going on? What are you guys talking about? Uh-oh. Someone's getting cranky. I think he needs an N-A-P. What's happening? Where are you taking me?

And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that?

If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Oh, okay. Just bring a trash bag. What did he mean by that? Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that. No. He doesn't. He's from another universe where dogs are subservient to humans. Oh, you mean like that time we... Yeah. When we bounced around between... Yeah. And you couldn't figure out how to... Yes! They're gonna kill him! We got to get him out of there!

You're up, Brian. Now go hit on that fat chick. - What? Why? - Do it or you get an F. (SIGHS) All right. Excuse me. I was just looking you over, and I had a question. Are those highlights in your hair or potato chips? - Highlights! - Okay. Hey, will you sign this form that says I hit on you? Sassy!

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

- So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano.

there's a dog having sex with a woman!

Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal. It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death. Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex.

Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit.

Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!

Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys. All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said... Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh?

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Okay, that's much better. Now I can see the swamp... The swamp!

Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry.

Hmm. Mrs. Griffin, let me show you some pictures he drew in class. Notice anything unusual? I sure do. His father's not in any of them. Exactly.

I'll relax him by using my catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) What the hell was that? My catchphrase. You don't have a catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Why you gotta say like that?

What are you talking about?

It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius. This is Rob, our director. Hey, Brian. Really looking forward to making your show. What's with all those empty seats?

Oh, Geez. For how long?

Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not. - Oh, you're so lying. - I so am. Oh, honey, how was your day? Did you catch any fish?

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one!

Nobody in this family likes you, Nick.

Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at... What is it again? The Onion? So if I go up to your room right now, I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right?

Oh, God, I'm so nervous. I hope it goes well. Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot.

Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party. That was awesome! Yeah. I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me.

I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn. You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there.

Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look! WeLl, Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell? Actually, we are tired. And hungry. Well, We got plenty of room here, and all the fresh apples you can eat. Oh, Peter! We found a new home! What are you talking about? We're going to Natick!

You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.

Come on! Come on in! Your family's waiting in here! There are toys and a puppy! And food that's not served from warming trays! (DOG BARKING) Come on! You got to want it! Oh, you got to do better than that!

Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, Honey, you got a little something-- You got a little, uh, I'll get it. Hungry Hungry Hippos! Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice.

My pot! My pot!

(MAN READING) So you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions? I just think Meg is really cool, and I want to get to know her better. You know, Michael, my daughter's womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed.

I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

What the hell's all that noise? Brian, it was Bertram! He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to... (RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (GASPS) Peter, what was that?

So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh? What do you mean? I mean crying and wetting yourself. You looked ridiculous. You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead. How was your bowel movement, Peter? I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker.

Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms. (CHEERING) In photography studios.

I think it's gay. It's not gay, Brian. If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay. Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay. He was not. He had a mustache, which is practically like a wedding ring. I imagine you're gonna be much more of a stern father now that you have a mustache. Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been,

This place is nothing but a wilderness! What are we gonna do? We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life, and we'll have equal rights for all. Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims... Um... Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white. So no Italians, no Polish.

I guess that things have become a little stale for me. I--i--I don't know what to do.

Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

Y-You know, if you said "mallard" and you had a cold, it would sound like "Ballard". Do you listen to yourself when you talk? I drift in and out. you know, Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary. Oh--oh, You don't believe me? Here. Look it up! What? What's that? It really isn't?

You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING) Everybody still awake? All right, big finish.

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name.

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah!

God, What are you doing these days?

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now. I don't believe we've met yet. I'm Carter. Uh, I'm Chris. CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise!

(FANS SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) PETER: Sorry. I rode a bike here.

And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35.

The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD. BOY: You're welcome.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or--or boating, or owning a boat. Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible.

Thank you very much. Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up.

What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now? You got any strawberry milk in there? No, but she'll make 0.5 past light speed. If you want, I'll show you around, since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us. Stop that ship, blast them. Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.

(LAUGHING) Derek, look!

Wow, look at this. I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind.

So, you can just rot out here, Brian.

Idiot!

(CHOKING) God, Stewie, are you out of your mind? Trust me, I'm only doing what's best for you. Well, I do feel pretty thin and wonderful. And I still got to eat the donut. - Why isn't everybody doing this? - They are. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face. One more push. (STRAINING) There we go! It's a boy! And he's got a gun! (GUNSHOTS) (CRYING)

Peter, where have you been? Let's just say I've been at Cleveland's empty house taking a dump. (GROANING) That's disgusting. I will be taking all of my movements there from now on. All of them! (EXCLAIMING) (LET'S GET LOUD PLAYING) Let's get loud, let's get loud

Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club Card. Wait a minute. I smell barbecue. Mmm. So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks.

I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us.

You wanna have unprotected sex?

I believe I am psychic. My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic. Hey! You've ruined our picnic! Psychic.

Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING)

I'm out of diapers, and I'm down to Meg's last hat. We're doomed, you know. Let it be written on my tombstone that my life was considerably better with my family around, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. (HORN HONKS)

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do? Yeah, this doesn't seem like much of a party. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown.

when was the last time you were raped, murdered, and stuffed in a lobster pot? Well, what you waiting for? Come to the Virgin Dutch Front Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles. It's only a hop, skip, and a small plane ride that scares you something terrible. Hungry sharks, strong, rapey men, and them silverfish that you step on and scream.

Yeah, and you know, I wasn't Facebook friends with a lot of those guys before, but now I am. God, Seamus has listened to Mony Mony on Spotify over 2,000 times.

No! You bastards! (CRYING) (SCREAMS) (BEEPING) What the hell? What's going on?

(EXCLAIMS)

Ma, I have to do this now! Guys, I got some great news! My dad's coming to visit. (EXCLAIMS) Hide the women! So, we're finally gonna get to meet the man of a thousand vaginas. That's right. You think I've been with a lot of broads. My dad's eaten more pie than Kirstie Alley.

Carol, hi. What's up?

I mean, it's just human nature to suck up to the people above you, crap on those beneath you and undercut your equals. Well, then we just got to figure out a way to make you fancier than Barrington, so he's got to suck up to you. I don't know, Peter. That'd be pretty tough to pull off. We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds.

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love... No, no. Just wipe... Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian! I love you so much!

Why? What happened? Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin. All right, look. First of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Yeah, aren't you a sitcom writer? I'm an author. I have contributed to the zeitgeist. Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means? If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana,

(GUNSHOT) That's for shooting one of our guys! (ALL CHEERING) MAN 1: We got you! MAN 2: In your face! - MAN 3: Our boat! - MAN 4: Our boat! MAN 5: This boat! There wasn't one guy my way.

(SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls. Hey. Hey, you know what we should do, guys,

MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.

I don't know. I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow. I just really want to go dance. There it is again, what is that? So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security? Do you think we should support what the President is doing?

Oh! Ahh!

It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.

Alcohol always leads to trouble. Come on. You're worrying about nothing. Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Melon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know! So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.

Of course, I'm beautiful. I mean, look at me. Aah. How strange... Should watch road but can't look away. Too beautiful.

I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby." Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok. Really? Who's Debbie Miller?

Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E 'Cause that spells booze And you're gonna lose with Mr. Booze Oh, yeah Don't mess around with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze

Ahh! uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh!

All right, boys. Go get 'em over there. And now, please welcome Mr. Bruce Jenner. (ALL CHEERING) (FANFARE PLAYING THE STRIPPER) - (WHOOPING) - (WOLF-WHISTLING)

(WOMAN SINGING) But little Olivia's career may be over just as it begins with today's announcement that Tasty Juice will be dropping her as their spokesperson and replacing her with a new ad campaign featuring rock and roll legend Chuck Berry. Open your mouth, baby, here it comes.

You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together.

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither. Well, it... Well, it... You... Really? Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? No, no, nothing, nothing. It's nothing, I guess. I think it's great.

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

What? The marquee or the other thing? Oh, What other thing? You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first? Well, It's obvious. You know, Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera. So, the sex was good? Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass!

Okay, Cleveland, your turn. Truth or dare? Dare. Okay, I dare you to make out with Joe for 15 seconds. What? No way. (EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION) You got to. It's a dare.

Look at this, Dad. All these people came out just to honor you. Oh, it feels good, Son, I won't lie to you. Dan Quagmire! Wally! Good to see you. This is my son, Glenn. Nice to meet you, Glenn. You should be very proud of your dad. I am, sir. It was an honor to serve with him. Come on, Dan, let's get a drink.

(SCREAMING) (CHOKING)

You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help!

Ah! What's with that moustachE? HuH? Let me see thAT. Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos. Here. This is her. Hey, nice ass. Sorry. No, No. That's Edward James Olmos' ass. I guess I don't have a photo of her. But trust me, she's cute. Well, let's go get her.

I knew you were awake. You!

(ALL LAUGHING) Seriously, stop it! Okay, did everyone else feel that? I felt it. Oh, I felt it, too. I felt whatever the most senior executive in this room felt. Okay, good. So we all felt it. Wait, you're not seriously considering him, are you? James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old.

Even a bowling ball can wear a hat if you use your imagination.

Oh, God! This is horrible! I can't watch anymore!

Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass

I mean, who's going to put those three magazines in a neat stack on the coffee table? Lois, I realize you're excited about going away with Bonnie and all, but could I not have to hear about the trip when you get back? I know you're going to have pictures and stories, and I just don't want to be involved in any of that mess. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) You ready to go, Lois?

No. Not really. JOE: Peter, we're not really hearing him very well. Can you get closer?

(MUSIC PLAYING) Are you ready, boots? Start walkin'!

That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

God, it's like talking to a 3-year-old! Oh, You know what? You need to learn how to loosen up a little, toots. Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for the both of us. What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back.

Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay... Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast.

Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

- Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going? All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way.

All right, you know what? This is not working. If you're gonna learn to drive, you're gonna have to practice first. Here, play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours, and then we'll give it another try.

Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo! Hey, He takes after his Uncle Peter. Peter, he's Carol's baby. Give him to her. Oh--oh, Ah, Yeah.

She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt." I--I don't think I'm in the right place. I'm looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son's birthday. Oh, Sure. I can do that. You do children's parties? Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand,

Eureka! Now, come on back to the golf course. I've got a date. Death, wait. Wait, wait. Before we go, I need you to do me one more favor.

Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. They've already boarded. (PEOPLE CHEERING)

This corn is special. So, tell me about those knockers. Is that just, like, implants, or did they reassign some ass fat up there? All right, I'm out of here. (DOOR SLAMS) I wonder if I could push mine inside. Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone! I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Well, you met her. What do you think? (SNICKERING) What? What do I think? She's 100! Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her? PETER: I'm looking at her now! I can see her from the window up here. Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet? No! Awesome. I'll be right down. Hey, Brian, who are you dating? Jessica Tandy?

Well, there's only one space left, and I promised it to that cow. This is gonna be so much fun! I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof and wave my arms and go, "Whoo! I'm in Hollywood!" (WHOOPING) I'm in Hollywood! See? I said I'd do it! Peter, would you put that thing away?

So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.

We've both been so busy it's been ridiculous. I thought she was taking a class or something. Oh, man! That sucks because I'm so horny. Damn it! Oh... I wanted to do sex to her tonight. Well, then I guess we've got to go get her. (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yeah. All right. MADAME CLAUDE: Months rolled by,

Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances.

First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS)

It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No!

Here we are, Brian, safe and sound. - Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair. - Now, now, no arguments, Brian. I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe. I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a... Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence.

Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists.

Boy, I'm really looking forward to this. I really need some church after the week I've had. (COUGHS) Sinner. (COUGHS) Harlot. (COUGHS) Skank. (COUGHS) I'm actually sick. You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin.

You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian.

Did you see the mob? Did I see the mob? Why else am I here? Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry. Say something. Wait. What the hell's going on? What do you mean, I ruined television?

(MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule.

Mr. TuckER, Mr. Griffin's here to see you. I got to go. Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

We enjoy each other's company. Well, I suppose if I have your word that this won't happen again, we can allow Chris to return to school. Well, I promise you, my husband will have a talk with Quagmire. Won't you, Peter? Peter? Mr. Griffin, don't touch that. That's the school PA system. (LAUGHING) Attention, student body.

You're an old man. You don't understand the young people. You're right. I'll change from now on. Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

Usually, the doody's disappeared by now, but it hasn't. It's just sitting there like Joseph on his wedding night. (LOUD THUDDING) Happiest night of my life, honey. Really memorable. (THUDDING ACCELERATES) Almost done in there, God? GOD: Shut up!

Walter murphy,

I'm playing Hitler. But he's a young Hitler,

- Where am I? Am I dead? - No. This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall... so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters. You don't say. Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack!

Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico? Look, Janine, I just... This is...

And what do you think it means to be a man? Um, it means not getting pushed around? Exactly! It means drinking not because I want to, but because I need to. Right! It means standing up to fart, not hiding it in a pillow or holding it in till your stomach goes... (GROWLING) Now you've got it!

Oh, my God! Mom, is this for real? Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie. It's the end of the world. Holy crap.

You know that guy? You're damn right, I do. Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair. (CRYING) They got him. They finally got him. Geez, Joe, you okay? (SOBBING) Here, use my handkerchief.

I threw up a lot in high school, so I don't get my period anymore. Wow, this is the one you have been waiting for, huh, Brian? (CHORTLING) Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian? You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone. Come on, let's go out dancing.

Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all. Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

I'm coming, Elizabeth! HERBERT: Use the Force, Luke. Obi-Wan?

Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

No, that's Bellagio property. Oh. Well, this sucks. Hey, I'm gonna go try one of those slot machines by the entrance. They always set those things to pay out more so they can lure people into the casino. (GROANS) Damn it, Vegas!

Thank you.

maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest?

(SIGHS) Tea Party. Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen. This town is going to go to hell. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. I'm glad we waited.

Almost all of you have completed it in the allotted time. But as you know, as a unit, you either all graduate, or none of you graduate. Griffin, it's up to you. All right, you can do this, Brian. Come on, pray with me. Dear Lord, just stay out of our way. Okay, good luck.

'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree? Uh--uh, Yea, kind shrew. Uh, I before thee... except after "C." Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat.

Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down,

Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg.

and that the man we saw today was an imposter brought in to keep Pewterschmidt Industries' stock price up and to keep people from knowing the truth.

and I don't know whether I should get the salmon or the Snausages. They're having Snausages? Yeah. It sounds like fun. Big deal. I could care less about going to that wedding. Well, look on the bright side. It frees you up to go to Cleveland's barbecue. Cleveland's having a barbecue? Oh, boy, this is really awkward. None of this is awkward! I've moved on from Jillian! I've dated plenty of other girls since her.

Lois You can't spell "love" without "L," "O" You can't spell "is" without "I," "S" You can't spell "silo" without Lois And solo from the pet rock!

Here comes the rush. Oh, he's sacked!

Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine? - Sure. - Hi, Jesus! No way! Hello. I know. I saw. Glenn. Brian.

Honey, I'm sorry I got us kicked out of New quahog. I guess nobody really needs guns. I'm not always right, after all. Oh, Peter. Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up. Where are we gonna go?

Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that. Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter? Did we not have money for the Petercopter?

oh, That's nasty.

Oh, Come on, guys. Don't let him sweet talk you like that. Wait. You can't leave now. I'm supposed to be the hero here. Wait! Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera? Dang, Stupid robbers with your guns and your make-out parties.

Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years? Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that? Say what, now? You don't deserve her.

Well, I got no money left to pay off my civil suit debt. So I'm making a God's Eye to send to Fred Goldman. It's kind of nice, right? Better than nothing.

What are we supposed to be doing again? We're looking for Muriel Goldman, honey.

What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird

My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture... you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.

If there's one thing I know, it's ramps. Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING)

Honestly! The things these children come up with. if you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angeles, Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island. Hey, Maybe Stewie could get on that show. Ugh. You must be 'shrooming. Yeah! We can get a free trip to L.A. and see Brian.

All right. I have come up with a design for Red Heinie Monkey, the head of the Handiquacks. I want only positive feedback, please. Why does he have such a big red bum? Because it's funny, Meg! People will tune in to Handiquacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it.

Brian, we've had some wonderful times. I really like you. Look, I understand. It's okay. I hope you and Quagmire have all the happiness in the world. But I am choosing you. Just promise me you'll make him wear this.... What?

I say, let go of me. Consuela, we're leaving.

You're not fooling anyone. All right, fellows. Plan B. Plan B, Quagmire. Hi, honey. I'm home. (SCREAMING) Heart attack! Glenn, sweetheart! Is he all right? No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop.

Ho-ho! We're fucked. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) He rocks in the treetop all day long

Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Holy crap! Oh, My God!

(MACHINE ZAPPING)

I got to punch him... You got to punch him more. Hey, you ever check Joe's Facebook? Ugh, I know. Awful. "Hitting Cheesecake Factory again. So amped." And then the symbol that means "wink." Really? I mean, like, why the wink? I mean, is there something that we're supposed to be in on?

Uh-oh-- Oh, boy. Oh--oh! Oh, God. Ahh! Ah-- Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it.

Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself. (SNIPPING) You look like garbage. What happened?

So tell the truth. Have you brought other women up here before? - Honestly? Two. - Really? Yeah, I brought the ashes of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Nicholson, and spread them across the lake, per her last request. Ah. The other was some skag I met on a dock four miles from here. - What? - (MIMICS BUZZER) Strike four, Jelly Jealouson. The other was my sister.

(URINATING CONTINUES) (CELL PHONE WHOOSHING)

My God, look at this mess. "Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, "shall we maybe clean the place up? "No, it's okay, he won't mind." Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans?

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him.

(UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this?

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison?

We're counting on you. Wow. My own office. Well, I guess I better get busy.

Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life. (SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog! He's got my neck! (SCREAMING)

My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

Isn't Christmas magical?

Meg, you're fooling yourself. It's classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome. You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection. But think about it, Meg. You two have nothing in common. You know, you're right, Mom. I hear you loud and clear.

And through our carefully structured program, you will succeed. All right, men. This is Harry the Homosexual. Say hi to everyone, Harry.

I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE)

And you as well! Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing through static. I'm sure he'll find a way to cope. Morning, Lois. And you were worried. Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me.

Ow.

I want to see more of him, and then suddenly none of him. Forever. (TIRES SCREECHING) All right, you know what? This is not working. If you're gonna learn to drive, you're gonna have to practice first. Here, play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours,

(OVEN DINGS) Oh! My muffins are ready! You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it.

Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

All right, enough messing around. Let's play this game.

Excuse me? Who do you think you are, my father? Lois, I think Meg was right. Lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise. You can't stop me from modeling, Peter. This is important to me. I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. Who the hell does he think he is?

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.

And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

I'm glad you're here. Look, I pulled this all apart, and it looks like you're gonna need a new condenser. Really? A new condenser? Yeah, and I would also highly recommend a complete flush of your photon conversion system. I swear I just did that. Okay, well, how about this? Do you want me to just go ahead and do that while I'm replacing the new condenser? I think I'd like to call my husband.

Joe! I don't believe it! You're walking! I am! I am! (SIGHS) I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Joe, I love you! I love you so much! I love you, too, Bonnie!

Please, sir. I want some more. More? All right! Stop it! Stop it right there! Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on!

You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it.

But you'll have to pack your chalk, because you're going to be staying six days and seven nights at your parents' house in Wilmington, Delaware!

I'm just a big jackass. It's all right, Dad, I forgive you. As long as you promise never to bully anyone again. I promise, Chris. I mean, you know, unless I get really stinking drunk, in which case all you got to do is outrun your sister. Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment.

Oh, You just want your toy back. Ok, here you go, honey. Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all! Hello?

Hey, Stewie, you can come out now. Ah, Turn off the light. I'm reading a ghost story.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

All right, stand back! Whoa. Hang on. Sorry, no one can leave. Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero. See, This wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and... Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you?

Better Homes and Gardens magazine Someday I know

(SCREAMING)

Hang on to something, because this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh. I really like you, Sandy. I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE)

There. Made lots of room. Hey, waiter. That--That sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, That's only for the staff, right? Uh, Technically, yes. That's what I thought. Great. Oh, man! These all look good, every one of 'em. Hey, You want some bread? No! Peter, is that you?

Oh, this is just awful. James Woods is destroying this family, and all just to get back at Peter. I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does. Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg.

Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque. Ugly phoque and bitch. Good job, Chris. I think you're ready. And remember, you can use that word as much as you want.

It's the worst job I've ever had. Well, except for one. Uh, Excuse me. Would you like to taste my smoked-meat log? Here you go. Enjoy your food. Enjoy your studio apartment.

Hello. (CHUCKLING)

(MACHINE BEEPS)

I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word.

(YAWNING) Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

This is my son! Oh, My apologies. Hey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid! Don't listen to him, ChrIs. I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait herE.

I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet. Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois. I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow. You know what would be a great idea for a TV show?

Rita, would you like me to cut yours up a little smaller? Oh, I'm fine. Boy! Speaking of that, I don't know how many people have asked me today where I was when Martin Luther King was shot. I'm sure you've been asked. What do you tell them? Who can forget? I remember just crying like a baby. Crying like a baby? Or crying like someone in college?

I stayed up late watching Monday Night Football and that saved my life, huh?

No, no, it's quite all right. Because I vowed to myself that I would spend the last night of my life in the company of the most beautiful woman in the world. And that's just what I have done. Oh, Reginald. No, no, no. This is already a perfect end to a perfect evening.

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris.

You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.

Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.

King me. I don't want to play anymore. The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug. Wh-- I--I can't. Be my angel and set me free.

Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

No. No, with great mustache comes great responsibility. (SCREAMING) My mustache!

Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on. Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.

And the other night, I had to do a... Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night.

no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. That is fantastic, terrific work. So no weaknesses at all? No... No. You, uh... You hesitated there. Is there something I should know? No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%.

Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week.

So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail?

I'm not overweight. I'm under tall. Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis?

But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call, like your father who shall remain namelesS. Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS!

They even got a special map that lets you choose who you want to dump your poop on. Geez, the synagogue button's almost worn out. Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing.

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down!

I don't believe this. I don't suppose you could let us off with a warning? Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good. The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me? oh, Lordy, I'll never roam again! Jackass. Hey, He's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house.

Osama! Um... You know something, Brian? Yeah? I'm starting to think maybe we bit off a little more than we could chew. Yeah. Well, we're in it, and we're gonna finish the job. Should we get started on the upper level?

(BARKING) Stop! Stop it! All right. Okay. I'll study! I'll help you, if you want. No, thanks, Lois. There's only one person who can help me.

I just wish my opinion mattered to you.

(GASPING) Mommy! Chris! Stewie! My babies! Oh, I'm so happy you're safe!

If anyone wants it, it's theirs. Suddenly Life has new meaning to me

Fresh pepper? Yes, thank you. Oh, that's plenty, thanks. None for me, thanks. My boyfriend just dumped me. There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Thanks! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Brian! You did it!

Yeah, we're a cat family ourselves. You wanna see some photos, Brian? We've got two Persians and a tabby. (GROWLS) Are you okay? Oh, he's fine, he just has a little throat thing, residual smoke from the fire, you know? Well, I'd like to propose a toast. To Brian and Kate. I know we just met,

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in. It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin.

Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter.

Do you accept bits of string? Sorry. Store policy.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

That's the car-wash thief! Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you!

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom.

(GASPS) It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it!

Yeah. Now your turn. And do it how I like. (GIGGLES) Okay. (PLAYING YOU CAN CALL ME AL) Yeah. Don't wash the mouthpiece.

Hey, Brian, welcome home! How was your book signing? Jeez, Lois, could I have, like, five minutes to decompress, please? It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell.

We've conceived many times, but for some reason the eggs won't attach. It was suggested that I find a healthy woman who would consider carrying our child to term. And, well, Lois, that's why we're here. We were wondering if you would be our surrogate. Oh, my God. You want me to carry your child? Yes. What?

Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.

- (HORN HONKING) - (LAUGHS) I'm pretending there's traffic. There you go, that's... Once! God, I wasn't even gonna do it! So, how do you win this game? Just fill this out when they say the letter and the numbers? Yeah, that's a sucker's bet. There's only one way to win this game. Wait for someone else to win and steal his card.

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus?

Like the people who think it's okay to bring shampoo on an airplane. So I told Brenda, "I work hard. I like a clean house when I come home." And now I'm the bad guy. Oh, I know exactly where you're coming... Ow! It's in my eyes!

Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston. Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey. Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins. Well, if you can't beat them...

Oh, thanks, Chris. That was really thoughtful of you. Hey, so can I have some of that Kool-Aid now? No. No, actually you can't.

A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter "with the Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?" No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering. You know, this cost me $437,000. Don't ask me how I got it. I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met.

Well, it's getting on my nerves. Like, right now, you are the most annoying thing in my life, with the possible exception of Evite.

Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.

- For pie - For pie

So if I did anything that might have offended you, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I have a dog. So I've had to cut poop out of his fur before. Oh! Oh, thanks. Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right? So fun. You know, I had a really fun night, Brian.

I'm offended by that, and I'm not even Jewish. Peter, what is all this? Look, this is my way of letting you know that I'm embracing who you are. Oh, and I don't respond to Peter. From now on, I want you to use my Hebrew name. (HISSING) Well, I caution you...

Oh, my God! Then Muriel wasn't the killer.

Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers,

But I need your love to keep away the cold I goT-- All right, break it up! What's going on here?

Yeah? Well, The deal's off. Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car! Brian, come! Don't you walk out on me! Hey! Uh, heh. I now command you to leave. Keep going. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy.

He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING)

(SAILORS SCREAM) Hello, Brian. You're looking good. Nice shiny coat. Don't try to butter me up, Carter. Why did you call me here? Come inside. There's something I want to show you. What's this?

(CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez.

(DOORBELL DINGING) Hi. I'm Joan. I'm your maid for the week. Me Peter. You maid. Um, I do speak English. You maid, clean for me, Peter.

(STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better. Number three, number four. Number three. Five and six. (SIGHS) Five and six.

But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

And you may want to brush up for tomorrow's lecture on orbital dynamics. Oh, man. I don't belong here, and they know it. People can always sense a fraud. Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there's a Chinese among us. Rest assured, he will be found. Security is launching a full-scale investigation into the genealogy records of every single one of our employees.

Lois!

And that time I snuck into Wimbledon. Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe!

(SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!

One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat--

Who's Scott? My soul mate, Lois. I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you. What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual. And that's how I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting. And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus.

Hey hey, Slobodan, you made it! I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw. It's made out of people! Just kidding. Hey, is Muammar here yet? Yeah. He's over there with Saddam. And then Jerry guessed that her name was "Mulva." That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends.

This place is horrible. Ok. Now, everybody calm down. We don't know anything about this community. I bet if we explore the town, we'll each find something about it we like. You know, That's a great idea, Lois. I just got to hit the can. Uh, I think there's just an outhouse, Peter. HEy, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works.

And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon. All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed.

I think the plagues went away.

Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while? Ok, who's hungry? Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us.

Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it.

I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

(QUAGMIRE GRUNTING SOFTLY)

and when you touched Chris, you passed it on. - Kneel before Christ! - Ah!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.

Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak!

Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass?

Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons, and I'd like to welcome you to Quahog's Fifth Annual Talent Show. Let's have a round of applause for our first performer. There's no moustache like my father's moustache That's the biggest moustache in town Play me off, Johnny.

(TOOTING) Peter, I honestly don't care what you say. I am going back to that clinic and I'm having that abortion. Oh, no, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Now you get out of my way! Lois, you go down there and I'll blow the place up! You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy!

So, it's agreed. We'll keep on pretending to like pig's feet simply to confound the white man. Oh, Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh--oh, sorry, His "biatch." Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money.

Come on, Lois. I feel great dropping that kind of weight all at once. You Remember how good you felt after you had Chris?

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Stay away from my dog. Very well, Stewie, I shall. But just one thing. What?

You Peter Griffin? Oh, yeah, thanks. What the hell is that? It's a jet pack. I'll come back for you guys, I promise. You're my friend and everything, and I feel bad saying this, but I wanted to see you fail.

Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place. Hey, I just wanted to keep my bar. I built that thing so my friends would come to see me, not you. Is that so? Let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue to sing! And... How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois.

You busy right now? No, I got a hand free. What's up? Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again? I... Possibly. I mean, in what context? Well, we're trying to make Cleveland see that she's no good and that he can't trust her, and if he catches you guys in the act, then... Okay, oh, no, no, okay. No, I'm... I'm with you now. Yeah, no, yeah, you know, I can probably work that in. Terrific. Thank you!

Like what?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Blast!

Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh! (STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth? Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back.

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot. Peter? Peter?

Cookie. Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes.

Nonsense! Force is the only thing a despot like Peter Griffin understands. Oh, Fine. Why don't we just drop a bomb on hiM?

Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about?

Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend? Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!

What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk--ed out of a sound sleep.

All right, on a normal night in the Pewterschmidt mansion, there might be as much as $6 million in the vault alone. But this Saturday is the Pewterschmidts' annual "Bring all your cash and put it in our safe" party.

In fact, I got you a bunch of new, top-notch, American-made stuff. What else did you buy? Oh, a couple things, that light fixture, new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra, your garbage disposal, your dishwasher, and your new cat. (MOOING)

And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love to keep away the cold I goT-- All right, break it up!

You know, this is awful timing, but I remembered part of the reason I came over was 'cause my cousin is looking for a job at the brewery. I'll just put his resume under the door.

You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister. Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What?

(MUSIC BOX TINKLING) (CRYING) My governess drowned me in a well. You are a horrible dinner guest. Can you believe it? We're eating with two of the three Ghostbusters. Actually, I wasn't in that. Look at these guys! They can't take a compliment!

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other.

Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Stewie, look! A butterfly. Let's get it!

You look silly.

Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh!

Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

That's not the point! Well, if you think about it, I wasn't really cheating 'cause it was with you. Well, you didn't know that! Yeah, but you know what? In some way, I think I did. You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, I felt something. It was like an instinct, you know? Both my heart and my wiener somehow knew you were my soul mate.

That's just for the scholars a hundred years from now. Okay, Rupert, you ready to go for a drive?

Man, I wish I could listen to some Tatooine, Wind & Fire right now.

You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

- Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70. Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead. Daddy, don't talk to Peter like that.

(CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny!

"The lightning bolt that..." (GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

Journalist? You're badgering a celebrity and passing it off as news. Yeah, journalist. And I got 100 bucks for it, which I used to buy this $4,000 video camera. Meet Peter Griffin, video paparazzi. From now on, I'm gonna be right where the action is, like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.

ahh!

Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck. Easy for you to say!

FEMALE VOICE: Welcome to the inner vault. Penile identification required. Let me handle this. (UNZIPS) (BEEPS) That's amazing. How the hell did you match it? Oh, I didn't match the shape. I just stuck it in there and broke it.

You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Uh, More or less. Hey, Hey, Brian.

Somebody give you a fun-ectomy? No, they gave me these by order of the School Board. They said it evens me out. Sorry to fly off the handle likE That. Here, let me see that. That's what I think about you taking chill pills from the Man. Look, the old Farg made learning fun. He's what these kids need.

Hi, Mr. Tucker. I brought some Rice crispy treats 'cause I remember you saying you liked them. See, look. This one, it's in the shape of a heart. I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later. Oh, my God! Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!

Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. I love you no matter what size you are. Although, I got to admit, I'm gonna miss eating cereal out of the dimples on your ass. Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine. Thank you, Doctor.

So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh?

- Well, yes. For Martin Luther King. - That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999? No, that's Martin Landau. - Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh? - That's Martin Lawrence.

(DIALING) Hey, wheely stupid head, I heard you think Meg likes you.

Six of one, they're all complete horseshit.

That should hold her.

New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester. What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972. Exemplary. Rock and roll.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy. All right. Call me when you blow all your money. Love you, bye. (CARTER HANGS UP) All right, so how are we going to spend our winnings? I'm going to get some supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous. I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'!

How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us. It's way easier to get into these clubs if you have chicks in your group. You ever notice that? No, I never have.

We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

It's out of control! We need someone to man the other hose!

I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Joseph! Joseph! Quagmire! Wow, that's exotic. All right, why don't you come up and join me on the stage? (GASPS) Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, oh, my God! I hate you so much right now!

I lose. Peter one, you zero. Oh, I lose again. Peter two, you zero. You've been practicing. ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) We now return to the end of a depressing 1970s sci-fi movie, starring a guy in a turtleneck. (BOTH PANTING) We've gone far enough. I think we're safe from The Corporation here.

MAN ON TV: Coming this fall, if you loved Everybody Loves Raymond, then you'll love his brother Robert even more, in Robert.

"Guilty." "Guilty." This one's just a squiggly line. That's "guilty" in Latin. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl. "Guilty." "Not guilty." (ARGUING)

Oh, and Remind me to ask the doctor when my other testicle is going to descend. Bang! I'm Daniel Boone! I'm a man! I'm a big man! Bang! Bang! Now I'm Pat Boone. Gonna have a Christmas special with Andy Williams.

Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want,

Peter, congratulations on taking down that monster, Dr. Hartman. Yeah, what'd you do with your pain and suffering money? I got collagen. Hey, Lois, want to make out? Yeah. What do you think of new sexy-lips Peter? Yeah. This is your life from now on.

(GROANING) Yes! Yes! Hang on a second. (BELLOWING) Man, Texas is great. Back where I'm from,

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is.

Oh! Oh, Well, it's not love, but it's a start! Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world! Cookie? Oh, yes, Of course you can have a cookie. Stay right there. "Cookie." Cookie. Cookie.

Come on. Jeez, enough with that already.

but I don't know why you think I can get your money back. M-m-max, Max, Max,

- PETER! - What?

How could this day get any worse? (EXCLAIMS)

oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs.

Call to get your tickets now. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! But not now. 'Cause it just sold out. What? Oh, no. No! No, no! No! I'm calling anyway! I need Hannah Montana tickets and I need them now! Never mind who this is! Can you get them or not? I guess I should dial something first.

You know, I'm sick of looking at that. What? That empty space! It just reminds me that Cleveland's not here anymore. Yeah, it's just not the same without him. I sure wish he... Hey, guys, look!

But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning

I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING) (SNORING) Peter! Oh! Oh, Lois.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11.

I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying.

Oh. Listen, I need your help. Run inside and get me a pair of scissors. - No. - Why not? Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup."

Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front, where the U.S. has cut off electricity, water, and gas to the tiny 4-bedroom republic. The situation is very tense and extremely dangerous. It's only a matter of time before, uh... Oh, my God! They've opened fire!

Because I'm going to kill Santa Claus!

And the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million of their people, which is like 200 9/11's. So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you. I'm just saying this war is wrong.

Oh! Boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.

And--and--And after she does, i--I just can't read it. Ohhh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We'd better get moving! Carol, you gotta relax. You Let that kid start calling the shots now, and you're screwed.

Oh, all right. (BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate. What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever. Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...

Come here, you bastard!

...my super-strength... ...or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails... ...we have a responsibility to use these powers properly... ...and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand? Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it.

It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt.

(MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

These are cooL.

Stewie, I'm still not sure this is a great idea. Relax, Brian, we're betting on one basketball game. That's it. Then we'll be out of debt and on our way home. I suppose. I just wish we didn't have to borrow money from a loan shark. I mean, that guy seemed pretty serious. Okay, and just a couple of remaining items. Please indicate here if I look like a schmuck to you. I'm gonna say no.

Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy.

There's something I've been wanting to say to you all evening. What's that, Mrs. Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas?

Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES) Peter, there you are. I've been waiting. You ready to have sex? You bet. Move over, so Tiffani and I have room.

"Nanny wanted." Well, that sounds like a good job for an immigrant.

Get out your ring. Peter, that's not-- Come on! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of steam! Peter, we got these in a box of FrankenBerry. A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it!

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers.

a seagull will get you!

Oh, no. Peter, look. See you later, suckers. Aw. Good luck to them.

Did you just growl? What robot growls? That's Starscream. He's a Decepticon. I'm the Decepticons. Look, why don't you just beat it? All right, all right, relax. I'll just, I'll be this guy over here. That's He-Man. We're playing Transformers. Well, maybe this is the one where He-Man visits. Brian, how is He-Man supposed to get to Cybertron? Hey, "Up, up, and away," right?

Bastard. Hey, LandO. Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox. Classic cool. We're gonna do some toad. You in? You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud.

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING) Wow! Look at all this cool stuff!

Oh, I see. Yes, yes, i--I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait right here till you get back. Where the devil is he? You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You--

I mean, she's a woman now, Brian. So sophisticated, so grown up, and she says she wants a grown-up man. But, apparently, that's not me. (SARCASTICALLY) You think so? (SPRING BOINGING) (LAUGHING) Who could forget that one? Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy, here to tell you about a new CD offer.

Do you know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing. Hmm, Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh. - Yes. - Hmm.

God, I hate this freaking cat.

Now, let's go get that kid. (SIGHS) Okay, he's in the left upstairs bedroom. All right, you keep the car going in case there's trouble.

Chris! Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?

Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right? I don't know. I actually just had elbow surgery. I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today. Why would you trip me deliberately? I'm sorry. Dinner's going great. You know, I can probably help you with that elbow.

(SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry?

All right, my first trip to a fast-food joint as a retarded guy. Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.

Glen, would you mind holding Stewie? Heh, heh. Said and done. Well, Hey there, spud with the mud. Oh, Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua VeLVA?

That's the power of "please," kids.

(DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex. A soup kitchen, Dad? Isn't there any other place we can go? We're homeless, Meg.

No. Now get out that door. The real door. Yes, I have a question. When exactly are we doing the bombing? The attack will happen tomorrow during afternoon rush hour. And that's actually where you come in, Peter. In order to get past the checkpoint at the toll plaza,

(SLURRING) (GROANS) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)

He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV. I'll just make my own sitcom in my head. And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme.

I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

(IN SILLY ACCENT) He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand? I am Colonel Tushfinger, and I live on the moon. So I talk like this with a moon accent. Do that! You know, Bonnie also acts. Oh, here we go.

Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.

We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio.

Sign me up for Cooper. (GUNSHOT) (ALL SCREAMING) What the hell? What the hell was that about? Who were those guys?

I take baby home. It's me. Stewie. Don't you remember? You used to clean for us. We used to make you use the bathroom at the gas station. Hey, you. Uh, hey, Ryan. Bad time? Um... Perfect time. Come on in. I was just oiling my legs.

PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish! Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery. What the hell? Where's my wallet? Crap, I must've dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert. Dropped it at the what? And where was I? Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet. "I dropped it at the concert." "The hooker took it."

Oh, Wait a minute. Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!

Does it feel like the water suddenly just got warmer? No. Oh, that's right. It's pee that makes it warmer. Peter, the water's rising fast!

Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING) Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter.

With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime.

You're such a good listener. You're not like the other boys. You're so good with animals. I guess I could give it a try. All right, here goes. Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime.

Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Oh, Brian, you don't have to give me anything. Oh. Well, give it back, then. (LAUGHING) No. No, we have fun.

- Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter. One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs. You suck! Get off the stage!

Yeah, Too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy.

No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.

Oh, God, what have I done? I'm the worst husband ever. Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup from Child Services. I'm here to take your kids away. What? Why? Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them. No way! - Oh, my God. - Finally.

Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.

Of course I know how to get us home! What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while.

Good morning, everyone. Oh, crap, he's in love again. I know, I know. But this time it's for real. You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for.

I say we should let them. JASPER: Oh, no! What's wrong? Look. Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriages next week. While controversial, it has nonetheless effectively distracted all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco. The what? I don't know. Something about a lizard. And now this. Look at that.

How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

crating. Oh, God. Or you could be an outside dog. Huh? Would you like that? Huh? Outside? Oh, oh! And how embarrassed was I when the word "crate" came up? I thought I was past this. I traveled the world, for God's sake. Do you know how much I spent?

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING)

(YELLING)

(THUNDER CLAPPING) Boy, it's really raining hard. Yeah, well, we needed it. What? Peter, we've been married a long time.

CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped,

I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit. Hey, I just wanted to let you... (SNIFFING) Oh, boy. What's that? I was just ironing my robe, taking a look around. What's up?

Got a nice little story you working on there? The big novel you've been working on for three years, huh? Got a compelling protagonist? Got an obstacle for him to overcome? Little story brewing there? Working on? Working on that for quite some time, huh?

I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. (LAUGHS)

It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside!

(SOBBING) Meg, are you ready?

(SIRENS WAILING)

- Can you move your legs? - Yeah! Oh, good. I thought you were gonna be a vegetable, and I gotta tell you, Peter, I just don't think I have it in me. I mean, if you can't move, it's over. I love you, too, honey. Let's go home.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you? Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops.

Come on. You can do it. Feel the burn, Chris. FeEl ThE buRn. Ahh!

Fred Savage! Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy. Yeah, but that should have been our time slot. Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal. I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over.

(TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement.

Shut up, Pelosi. Are you here to take my baby? No, I'm here to strap you to a board, put a cloth in your mouth, and pour water over it to simulate the sensation of drowning. Yeah! Traditional values!

Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case. Oh, it's all right, Peter, I know it's tough for you to work with your hand injury. Hey, you know, with you sitting there, it's kind of like you're my secretary. Well, let's not get carried away, Peter. Now please, I'm trying to finish your work. You know, Lois, if I'm your boss, I got to look like a boss.

This is like the closest I've ever felt to you. Okay. Oh, my God, I was thinking the same thing. We are so "us" right now. Do you know that? Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went.

Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible. All right, look, I'll tell you what. I'll call Daddy and I'll see if there's anything he can do. Good, 'cause I haven't been this miserable since I had to throw Rocky Balboa out of the Shamrock Meat Company. Look, I'm sorry, I can't have you in here punching the meat. I mean, there's really not too many things you can't do in here,

(GROANS) Where am I? What happened? Oh, Glenn! Oh, thank God you're all right! Hey, you touching my girl? Relax, Jeff. That's her brother. Yeah, that's how it starts. Come on, Brenda, we got to get out of here. I need cigarettes and jeans.

(GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

Push! Push! I am! It won't go back in! Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull! Oh, My God! What? What?

(TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to! So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! (SHOUTS) What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers!

Well, I mean, if that's what I got to do, then I guess I...

In Canadian nudie bars Wow, that sounds amazing. It is. And the best thing about Montreal strip clubs is you're never the most pathetic guy in the bar. If you weigh 300 pounds, they'll hire a guy to sit next to you who weighs 350 pounds. And if you're a paraplegic? They'll have a quadriplegic.

I am positive we know somebody who was in the Peace Corps. Look, it's me, all right. He got the idea from me. Brian, what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't do it on purpose. And before you fly off the handle, you may want to think about it. The kid's obviously confused. This might be good for him.

No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old. So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me!

I did, and she's doing her best, you know? She's got a lot on her plate. She's got school, she's got work. This is her work! Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you had a busy day at your legal practice. (GROANS) Oh... Hey, Emily! Yeah, I had some time between cases. I thought I'd see how you were doing. That's so nice of you!

All right, Chris, if we're gonna pay the entry fee for that eating contest, we got to sell some of my old stuff. What are these, Dad? Oh, wow! I haven't seen those in a while. Those are my old Playboys from the '70s. PETER: Oh, my God, this one's so hot. You can almost see a little bit of woman.

What's all the noise?

'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Dad, I need you to... Dad, what are you doing? Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look. I am so freaking good at coloring. I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself. Dad? (PETER WHINING)

I don't wAnna wait For our livEs to be over Boy, miss jacobs,

You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman.

DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight. Daddy, you're awake! Oh, Carter, I'm so relieved. (GROANS) What happened? Where am I? You had a heart attack, Daddy, but you're all right now.

"She is far sweeter and kinder than that." Oh, my God. That is so nice, Brian. Did you mean all that? Of course I did. Oh, my God, I can't believe I did this. I was just so tired of being everyone's whipping girl that it felt kind of good to do some of the whipping. Give me the gun, Meg.

Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Mmm, But, let's not.

(CRIES OUT) Jesus, you scared me. What happened to your clothes? Hey, what are you doing? Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING)

Because, Meg, Estelle told me that someone in the family was in danger of drowning and that I should take some steps to prevent it. So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy.

Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying! Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite. One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do two can be As bad As one

like, for example, around your underpants that you want me to take a look at, I could take a look at that, too. Huh? Please pull down your underpants. All right, boys. It's my maid's last night. So we got to make the most of it. I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.

How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth.

oh, Great. Is there a problem, Officer? Can I see your license, boy? "Boy"? Oh, God. Uh... I left it on my other collar. You been chasing cars tonight, boy? Look, the name is Brian.

I should have figured you were up to something. Look, Luke, this is all my fault. I was just trying to help my daughter get onto the school newspaper. Come on, You know what it's like to be a teenagER. You've been playing one for 30 yearS. Won't you drop the lawsuit, please, Dylan?

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know.

In the front this time.

(SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?

(SCREAMS) It's okay. It's just us. Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us. Have you seen any sign of Muriel?

You're lucky I like you so much. Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in?

Peter, we've completely destroyed his self-esteem. We've got to do something. You know, Lois, if Chris is having confidence issues, they have camps for kids like him. What do you mean? Well, they take kids who struggle in school and help them gain self-confidence in a nurturing environment. Wow. That's actually a great idea. We don't got no money for camp. We're saving up to go to Europe.

if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water. No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first, did you actually sit in the water or was that...

(GUNSHOTS) God, I wish I could get tickets to that show.

But Brian, Brian's solid. He's the one guy I know I can trust. Brian tried to have sex with me. Was he bigger than me?

You went to Taki, didn't you? Look, Peter, I'm sorry for the way I treated you, but is there anything you can do to get me back in the club? Well, I suppose I could talk to Barrington. Really? Oh, Peter, you don't know what this means to me. (SIGHS) You know, I was so desperate there for a while, I even tried a Jewish club. You don't want to get involved with them religious groups. They believe in all kinds of weird stuff.

Yeah! That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No.

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing you got yourself some money issues. Uh, yeah, kind of. Well, I might be able to help you out. How much you need? Look, I'm a police officer. I can't afford to get mixed up with a loan shark. Hey, you should listen to this guy, Joe. He's flipping a nickel and chewing on a toothpick.

Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least! Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired. Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know, I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard, and you're in a pillowcase. You're out of your mind. Brian's young. And I'm gonna prove it to you.

I'll see you in the car.

What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next? I will. Um... My name is Greg, and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Greg. One fateful night, I got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind drunk.

You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you.

Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest. Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics.

Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois.

Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two!

You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy. I want to eat a dog now. I say we eat that one! What? Get him! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

About an hour ago. This party sucks.

we even tried the big end-of-the-year high school party that will change everything.

Well, Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student- master relationship. Oh, Then allow me. Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury!

You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake. (Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore.

(BIRDS CHIRPING) ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Blind Justice. (ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife.

It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him!

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Maybe. But he was dead before the fall.

Dad, we gotta help him! Do something! What am I supposed to do?

Hey, now that's a good idea, Joe. All right, okay, I have two ideas.

Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything. Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

Yeah! And Joe Swanson wins the gold medal! You did it, Joe! We did it, Peter!

Damn it, Meg!

It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

- Hi, we're on the list. - Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs.

Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades. Now I don't want to hear another word about tHIS. Where are we going?

What the hell's all that noise? Brian, it was Bertram! He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to...

Hey, CatDog

What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn.

ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) We now return to the end of a depressing 1970s sci-fi movie, starring a guy in a turtleneck. (BOTH PANTING) We've gone far enough. I think we're safe from The Corporation here. Adzin, look!

(ALL GASPING)

Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd take them on a dream vacation to Hawaii right now. Say aloha, kids. What are you talking about?

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

All right, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna ask you a series of questions to determine whether or not you can be impartial jurors. First off, do any of you have any prejudices you feel the court should know of?

(CRYING) They got him. They finally got him.

Bingo, bitches!

"I won't let you walk out of here without that dress." "I don't know. Will I ever wear it?" "Yes, you will. You've got that thing for the opening of the library next week. "It's perfect for that." "Hey, everybody." "Oh! Look. It's black Barbie. "Why are you all alone?" "Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend. "Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut."

Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you.

And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off. Hey, nurse? Nurse? What would you do for a Klondike BAR? Would you stand on one leg? SurE. Would you act like a monkey? Uh-huh.

Your finger's up your nose and you are dripping with drool But if you want a lady's love You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool A squirt, a spurt Of somethin' just for Ellen And you'll see that she will find you so compellin'

Shalom, Jews. Wow, Dad! Where did you get all that glistening chest hair? It came with my Star of David. Everyone, from now on our lives will be better. We'll be wealthy, our sons will become doctors, and we'll be in charge of charity, so we don't have to contribute to them. I'm offended by that, and I'm not even Jewish.

What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine. All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C. (CRACKLING) Quick! Get us out of here! (T-REX ROARING) Boy, that was close. Oh, my God, where's Frank? I'm over here.

Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken all my business. Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING)

(SOLDIERS CHEERING) Guys, guys, guys, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I think that was me. (EXCLAIMS)

Hey, slow down! Drive like hell, you'll get there!

What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! (GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie! Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and... A lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and...

(YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters?

Oh, my God, here comes Jared. Wow, he's in kindergarten. Hey, so you're the plug this year? Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug. Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row. Like, I don't know that! Everybody knows that, Jared! Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right?

This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day. So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it. Look, slick, We're not gonna buy your lousy time-share, all right? Now, where's my boat?

Eww! Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again! No! oh, This has gotta stop. Oh, God! It smells gross. Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears. That's odd. It looks like someone already tried to clean it up. No, it doesn't. Mine smells like soda.

Thanks for the lift home, Jerome. Hey, if you got time to come in, I'd love for you to meet my wife. I got time for whatever I want, fool. My watch don't tell time. I tell it. Wow! You're cooler than a York Peppermint Pattie.

Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

I can't believe Horace is dead. I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up.

Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread good will towards all men. The irony, of course, is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched!

What's the charge, Officer?

Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man.

I never wanted anyone like this

(SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING)

and I think she is well under 18 years old.

Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND) Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue.

Well, Mr. Goldman, we've ruled out foul play. It looks like it was just a case of faulty wiring. Well, you're still gonna have to buy something. This is rubble, not a library. Okay, well... I'm sorry for your loss, but the good news is your insurance will be covering all of your damages.

Lois! Lois! LOIS! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Atta girl! Shake your money-maker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy. Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING) (SCREAMS) What am I gonna do?

No Jews and no blacks.

Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go?

Everyone I've told about the file is dead. What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"?

I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter. Why don't you sit over there, next to Omar? Omar is our top student, and we're hoping he'll lead us to victory next week in the district spelling bee.

Now, go! Go on! Get out of here! (GRUNTING) (CRYING) I always knew one day this would happen. We will never forget you, but you're better off here. Why are we dragging this out? It's 6:30. Go ahead, Peter. Go on!

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation, which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING)

(FARTING)

I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience. You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. What? What? (DOORBELL RINGING)

Plus old Brian over there. Right, buddy? I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a Band-Aid.

When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever. Hey, Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert, too! Oh! Oh, Glenn, I love all your sex jokes and your dirty puns. That's why I married you. Let's go upstairs and do it. Okay!

Yeah. Now your turn. And do it how I like. (GIGGLES) Okay. (PLAYING YOU CAN CALL ME AL) Yeah. Don't wash the mouthpiece.

I got a surprise for you. Doritos! Huh? Not now. Later. Help! Help! Oh, my GoD!

Mr. Superman no here. Well, we're looking for a missing... (STUTTERING) No, Mr. Superman, he no is here. Yeah, okay. Well, can you just give him this flier? I... No. No, I have no money.

Wait! Damn! How could he lie to me on our anniversary?

You know, i--I just saw Don Giovanni. In my opinion, The best opera of the 18th century. Definitely. And the--the use of recitative throughout. I--i, Mozart was a geniuS. Oh, Yeah. Reci-ta-tive is really, you know, where it's at. Sir, are we ready to order? Whoa, whoa, Hold on a second. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name? Dr. Hartman. Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal". No!

I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life, but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves. Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Too late! There they are! Lois, please!

Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

To see how her work was going (AUDIENCE CHEERING) I can't believe we lost the talent show. What'd we do wrong? Well, Dad, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did.

Okay. (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Why'd we take his leg? Well, we're in their country, Brian. We have to observe their customs. Oh, dear.

(LAUGHING) You're all wet. Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor."

So for this next cutaway, we're gonna make you read it. That's right, you heard me. Do a little work once in a while, instead of having everything spoon-fed. You want your yuks, put in a little effort. All right, go ahead.

What's with the Johnny Law routine? Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural. Oh, Yeah?

I thought so. {MUSICAL RINGTONE PLA YING)

What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers.

Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car! Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with?

What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

Hey, You're a great big phony. You know that?

Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know?

Hey, you! Pick up that poop.

I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right. ahh!

Oh, wait, hold on a second. I want to try something. I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows

Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me. Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.

"Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.

What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal.

Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. Doh! My fanny is not on the menu! WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for I can't help it There's nothing I want more You know it's true

Peter, It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck! Come on. Hey--hey. You want to hear some horror stories. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

family, I'd like to introduce New Brian. Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? (ALL LAUGHING) I like him.

Lois! Ah! Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois,

Oh, my God! That... You know, that is a tough road ahead. I mean, like, what do those people do as far as relationships and sex and stuff? I don't know. I mean, it's got to be a train wreck down there, right? I mean, just an absolute casserole of nonsense. Is she over there right now? We should go take a look. No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott. Oh, damn! I was just there.

sign up today! Joe, that's it! You got to compete in the Special People's Games. Gosh! I don't know, Peter. Do you really think I can? Hey, I'm the guy that believed you could be a desk, huh? Come on! I'll even be your coach! Well, All right! Let's do it! Coming up in this half hour, our undercover expose on conveniently placed news reports in television shows.

She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly Screw off. "M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

Fly, beautiful turtledoves. Bring Christmas cheer to all. (SCREECHING) (ALL YELLING) Everybody outside! We'll do the rest of Christmas outside! Go, go, go! (SCREAMS) The scientist also threw in wolverine teeth for free. Why did I say yes? They aren't even mentioned in the song!

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home. HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter.

Okay. Now that Joe's here, I can say this in front of all of you. Everyone, I am a criminal. A few nights ago, I committed a murder. Then I buried the body and even went out of my way to cover up the evidence. Oh, my God! These are very serious charges, Brian.

Well, the mole looks benign, but we won't know for sure whether it's cancerous until the tests come back in a few days. A few days? I could be dead by then. Relax, Stewie. He said it looks benign. We'll just have to wait and see. Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets. Hey, Swedish Chef.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

I don't have one pair of long pants. Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek. I wonder if she's thinking about me. I don't know. Are you a pony or the color blue? (LAUGHING) Derek, look! Ha, how do you like that? Have you guys ever seen Jim Henson's Labyrinth? No. Have you ever seen the Channel Five News?

Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Peter, this is ridiculous. I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for 2 weeks.

Stewie, what the hell is going on?

Well, everything looks fine. All right, family. Line up for cigar burns. (SCREAMS IN PAIN) Wait a minute. Who are you?

Very good, Peter. That's true. That's it. Now rub her back. Ok, that's good. Yeah, Yeah. comfort her. Yeah. Oh--oh, Yeah, you like that, don't you? Yeah. Oh, it's--it's ok. It's ok to like it. It's very natural. Ok, good. good. Now smell her a little.

I think I made Brian crazy.

Wow, look at how gay we are. I am so gay with my gayness. Me too. I'm... I'm a homo. - Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!

There's a penny underneath that couch. Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it!

Boy, this feels really weird, Lois. I know. But maybe the doctor's right. This time apart could be good for us. Ah, I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh?

You see? You're not really one of us. Oh, my God... Lois was right. Right there. See, the fact that you would give a woman credit for anything, it means you're a liberal, Brian. It's time for you to spread your two left wings and fly. Does this... Does this mean I'll never see you again?

All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now. Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.

MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook. Hey, everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards. What's up? What's up? Hey, you know what I hate? When you eat an ice-cream cone and it's all, like, cold, and you're like... (GROANING) And you're like, "Why didn't you warn me that's so cold?" And he's like, "It's ice cream, dude." And you're like, "Oh, man!"

I see. Well, Meg, I'm a public figure. I'm used to the tabloids' doodie. It's you I'm worried about. You're just a sweet young lady with her whole life ahead of her. This story could ruin your future, and I can't let that happen. I'll take the fall, no matter what.

Peter, are you feeling ok?

Rough week, huh? Ah, I've seen better. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet. Hey, You're getting some looks yourself. Ah, i--I'm not ready either.

You know, I'm up for this, but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.

Big women are sexy. I wanted to tell you that Opie will not be receiving Employee of the Month, because he's being promoted. Oh, yes! That means I'm Employee of the Month. No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere?

Stimulating, titillating kitty-cat impersonating

"The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" A little spending money? I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr Nick, what are you talking about?

and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks. Who cares? I don't need Quagmire. And I certainly don't need Joe. I got Money Joe. (LAUGHING) That's a good one, Money Joe! I don't like what this money is doing to us. It's even affecting Brian and Stewie. (YAWNING) I think I'm gonna take a nap. What, here?

My goodness! A human thumb. Where did you ever find this? It was on eBay. Oh, God! Call an ambulance!

Didn't like... Didn't like it. Peter, it's so good. It--It's like the perfect movie. This is what everyone always says whenever... Robert De Niro, Al Pacino... I mean, you never see... Robert Duvall! (STUTTERING) I know. Fine, fine actor. Did not like the movie. - Why not? - Did not... Couldn't get into it. Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it? - It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What?

Well, it looks like this is one more town the media has run me out of. Now wait a second, Juice. You can't let them tell you how to live your life. You've been running for too long.

Look, you guys are hemorrhaging money. This Hall of Justice is sitting on five acres of commercial real estate. How do you afford this? We're the Superfriends. Yeah, but you guys have no income. You owe four million dollars in back property taxes. We fight evil wherever we find it. Well, that's not gonna be enough. Look, you may need to reach out to some wealthy benefactors for financial backing.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Authorities are on the lookout for one-year-old Stewie Griffin, a Quahog infant who is believed to be possessed by Satan. A substantial reward is being offered for any information leading to his capture. In other pseudo-scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Bigfoot.

A-Team roll call. Face. Here and handsome. Murdoch? Here and crazy. B.A.? I pity the fool. But I also suggest ways he may better himself. Man, this is gonna be a fun day.

Wow, Meg, you look nice. You got a date? Yeah, I totally hit it off with this great guy in the Internet, and we're finally going to meet. Okay, remember to ask questions about him. Seem interested.

Yeah! I'm a bad guy!

Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air. Naked plastic chicks.

What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me! He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. Most of them are fine. Look, Stewie, I'm sorry for scaring you, all right? But come on, it's not a real robot. See? It, It's just an album. Look. Here, you want to hit it? Well...

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Here's two tickets to Sandra Bernhard's one-woman show. Wow, thanks. Yeah, and they're great seats. They're right in the gap of her teeth. Social media? More like a social disease. Ha! That's funny. Peter, what the hell's going on here?

There. How's that feel? Well, it-it's... It's delightful. Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you.

Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better.

(LAUGHING) CARTER: That's accurate! And Earl got that cell phone. He on the Sprint plan. When the bill come, he sprint. CARTER: Yes! So many of them are delinquent in payment. Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls.

Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids.

Brian, when you have to go to these lengths just to get away with smoking pot, it's time to make a change. You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

Stop right where you are! (ALL GASP) Down on the ground! PETER: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over.

Okay, all right, that's... That's seven 16-ounce steaks. Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full.

That's not it! It's gonna be!

Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow.

Glenn Quagmire? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh, yeah, I treated you for butt flu. Hey, you want to keep it down? Easy now. That's my privilege as a doctor to talk about that stuff.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

(GASPS) (GASPS)

Sure, Peter. Joe! Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes!

Faster!

Pick a lane, bitch. (LAUGHS) Isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk. Hey. Hey, everyone! Look at me! Look, look. Look at me.

I got to open the store tomorrow. You don't want to go back to that record store. You got to get back out there, coloring eggs and hiding them for kids. What, you mean reveal myself? Absolutely. This world needs you, Jesus. It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction. (MOANING) I am so ready to have sex with you.

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony.

Now, what he needs right now is a revenge lay. And I know just who to talk to. Oh, God! Huh. Sorry, guys. Let me throw something on.

Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! You... You have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute.

In a moment, we will use the special lights to see just how filthy this seemingly clean hotel room really is. (ANIMALS CALLING)

Hey. Hey! Psst! Wow, Peter! That's a book, isn't it?

(BRIAN RUNNING) Joe, I gotta tell you. This whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. When do we get to shoot some bad guys? Guys, it's not all about action.

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

(SCREAMING)

Hey, Brian, look.

Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

Will you go over there behind her - and yell, "Fire drill"? No. Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple? All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.

(HORN BLARING) Uh-oh, sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home.

(INDISTINCT, HAPPY TALKING) Oh, I love you!

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard.

Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God!

Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you! You're why cavemen painted on walls!

You can't leave! ahh!

Even if you use a condom. Because not only do condoms fail 100 percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would you? STUDENT: No. And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married.

No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

Well, you look a lot better. I did it, Brian! Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk. I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive. Yeah. How did you do that? I watched In The Cut. Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks.

Um, Hi. Can I help you? Yeah, Some company hired me to stand next to you all day, so you'd look better by comparison. That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah!

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful? It's nice they put Joseph in there, even though he's not really the father. Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem?

There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke. I'll never join you. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. He told me you killed him. No, I... Hang on. Spoiler alert.

(LAUGHING)

What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it? Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him.

Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad. Hey, Dad, do you want to play baseball? Oh, my God, could you leave me alone? You are the neediest kid. I can't believe you gave up our show.

'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

All right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces. Good. Now we wait. Peter? A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog. Thank God! Their puerile minds are once again distracted by that flickering box. Time to be bad! Come on, everyone.

No mercy! (FARTS)

Wait, you're not gonna go, are you? It's clearly some kind of scam. Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel. Oh, not the kennel. Last time you left me there for an hour. Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state.

(BURPING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow. Hey, guys, I'm going for a run. Do me a favor and keep Marian company while I'm gone.

(SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie! What do you say, Joe? You want your past life read? It'll be fun. Sure. Why not? Okay, dear. Close your eyes and clear your mind.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy.

That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

But full-blown AIDS Not H.I.V., but really Full-blown AIDS I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious But it's AIDS

Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips? Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it. You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull. Uh, I'm not breast-feeding. All right, fine. God, you're pushy. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck. Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance. What's wrong with you? Look at me, everybody.

Ahh! Are you The Matrix? Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel. My name's Chris. Not anymore. Christobel will look so much better in Interview magazine. Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor!

(SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Boy, eight months on patrol and nothing.

Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up. No, you shoot the Taliban! Not Pat Tillman. Got it? Got it. You sure? Yep. All right. Hey, you know where I can find Pat Tillman?

This is the exact moment in 1984 that I sent you to the first time. You've just got to manage not to screw it up again. Lois! Oh, my God, it's so good to see you!

I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off? You let me worry about that, kitten. Great.

You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money. Hey, Hey, guys and dolls! Drinks are on do-re-me! Ha! Ha! Oh, Where'd you get that? Oh, This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, Ian Greenstein, heh! He made some smart investments that really paid off. That guy is to money what Miss Ann Margaret is to...

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim.

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING)

See, yeah, I'm not quite... We can't do this over the phone. You're gonna have to come over. I can't come over. We're still on the run, because the town thinks Stewie's possessed. No, they don't. Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago. What? I have to go. Wait, wait, I have another question.

Good point. Am I the only one who wants to wet some knuckle tonight? Yeah. How'd your cousin do it? She wore a mask. Don't you get it? If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot.

Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries. (GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know.

Go on. That's it. What the hell do you see in him?

I might remember Charmese from a stag party in 1991. Ask her if she remembers getting hit in the forehead with a meatball sandwich. You guys, I can't stay married to her. This whole thing is a complete disaster! In fact, you know what? I got to go down to the courthouse right now and file for divorce. This thing ends now.

Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?

And you know what? you know what? I bet you run into those 2 dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. And You're not gonna know which one is which, And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me. Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs? Aren't you a little over-dressed? Oh, well, I... Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's.

My God, look at this wonderland of treasures. What would a guy like me have to do to be part of this magical world?

(LAUGHING) Okay, moving on.

I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me?

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away.

Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three? Yep.

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird."

Meg, you're home late.

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

"I don't know. Will I ever wear it?" "Yes, you will. You've got that thing for the opening of the library next week. "It's perfect for that." "Hey, everybody." "Oh! Look. It's black Barbie. "Why are you all alone?" "Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend. "Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut."

Hello? Wh-Where is everybody? I'm--I'm the only brain cell left. Well, At least I have my books. No. No, that--that-- That's Not fair! that's not fair! There was time now!

Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale. Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only gonna go up.

What are you getting at? No, no. I'm pretty sure the "M" is for "Marriott." How do you know? Because I once got a note from the Marriott written on the same paper. "Dear Brian. You were amazing last night. Love, Ida." (LAUGHS) This is from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad. Come on!

To Ireland.

I just fall in love again

What's going on? Oh, We're just having a little pow-wow to discuss my latest changes. What changes? The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant?

Meet George Jetson His boy Elroy Daughter Judy

You're funny. I like you, Chris. I like you too, Sam. Want to poke him? Do I? You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free. I don't know Brian. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

The flight's going to be a little longer than we have expected. Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off. (BEEPING) What the hell?

I bet you're too chicken to spend a night at the old Selberg place. PETER: You mind stepping out of the way? Sorry. I ain't chicken to spend the night there! I ain't neither! And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight!

"She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter." "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales. "But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes. "Like that Narragansett beer stein "where the hot chick has 2 mugs for jugs." It was 8 freakin' dollars, and we have a dozen places to put it!

Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy! You know I would! So what, you'd kill a bunch of doctors to show them that killing is wrong? Does that make sense to you, Peter? Well... Does it? I guess not. (SIGHING) So what the hell do we do, huh?

Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor.

How are things in Terriblehood? Terrible, sir. Good, good. You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to. But the lucky one was me.

I'll tell you who could help. Medium. Daddy, that's not a real person. That's a character on a TV show. Don't you disparage Medium. Medium works very hard. You know, Mom, I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about psychics who help find people who are lost. Really? I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about this fat woman who sat on her dog and it went up inside her guts.

Peter, that's a wonderful idea!

Col. Schwartz! Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N. All right. 90210. Dad?

Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (WHISPERING) Dad? Dad, it's time to get up. Oh, Jeez, Chris, it's the crack of dawn.

God, look at Meg's fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine.

That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.

STEWIE: Yes. Jillian, I'll talk to you later. (CRYING) So, Meg... How was school? Horrible. There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my backup guy had plans.

I don't have any change. Sorry. Oh, That's ok. No charge. Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.

I could buy that. That sounds like something he'd do. Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that. Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact?

(ALL SCREAMING)

Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine. Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans. I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well.

Meg, have you seen Dad? Yeah, he's at the dentist. He's trying to get sick.

All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms.

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No!

Yeah! Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

Okay, get ready to go to light speed. One, two, three. (ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap. No light speed?

Am I doing it? Am I doing it? Fuck's the matter with you guys? All right, let's try something else. Okay, this is a warm-up exercise called "One-Word Story." Now, I start a story with one word, and then you each continue with one word at a time. Okay, ready? Yeah, yeah. I'm into this now.

Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe.

And, what... "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player? Stewie, this sweatshirt is so sophisticated. Look, it says "New York." People will think I'm from there. (LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral!

We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one! Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals.

(WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING)

Though by many they're abhorred

You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men. We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say?

I know I've been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life?

Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid. A reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos. Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh from his apartment above the garage. And sayeth he, "Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle,

Was--Was he just mastur--

Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws. Looks like someone's a little lost. Everyone, I have some bad news.

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine.

A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me. And I had to sleep with my mother for a week. I am quite finished. Peter, if you want to ride that roller coaster, you're going to have to go on a diet. A diet, huh? All right, well, how's that work?

Whoa! Ugh!

And for you naysayers, I have 2 strong words for you. Come on! Come on! OkAy. Yeah, Okay. - sure. All right. - Done. Thank you, ladies and, uh-- A-and--

I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and poop out half-digested mice. Well, then, I guess there's only one thing I can do to regain your love. Who wants a brand-new Xbox?

Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union. And what exactly are your demands? We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge? Yes. We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home. No.

What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together!

duh! Ahh!

Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck,

(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC) How can you even say that? Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that makes you wanna blow your brains out, Stewie just sits there, and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here! Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya.

Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this!

Taxi!

Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up!

Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois. I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow. You know what would be a great idea for a TV show? A sitcom about former major league pitchers Phil and Joe Niekro enjoying their retirement years. You'd call it Those Lazy Niekros.

who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social. Uh, just remember, you two, Fred is allergic to peanuts. Peanuts and Jews. (ALL LAUGHING) No, but Jews are bad. You know, it's remarks like that that started the Holocaust, and I know none of us want that to happen again.

You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea. He eats with porpoise. (LAUGHS) Oh. Peter, for God's sake, you're always an embarrassment at the table. You should've seen him when we had dinner with Paul McCartney's ex-wife. He kept playing footsie with her under the table.

Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe.

When I set my mind to something, I am not easily deterred. Like when I tried out to be an Olympic gymnast. (INHALING) - (GUN FIRES) - Ahh! (CROWD GASPS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) You did it, Peter.

I'm a little worried that you're gonna have me put down. I know there's been some concern about my sphincter's low shutter speed. No, no, we're just going to the park, Todd. Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy the ride, then.

i'm Morley Safer. I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Ed Bradley. I'm Lesley Stahl. And one of you is hung like an elf. I feel so naughty. Lois, what are you doing? Neither of us is drunk.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island.

Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing. Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?

He's a family guy (THUNDER RUMBLING) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island.

taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born. (ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

There must be something I can do to make things right with you. Actually, there is. I want reparations just like Cleveland got. What the hell are you talking about?

Come on, let's go. Let's go. Good game! Ready! Blue 20, blue 20! Hut, hut! Griffin, let go! Let's go?

I can forget all about Francis. You know, there's something you should always remember, Peter. Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own. And if that isn't love, I don't know what is. Wow. I guess you're right, but there is one thing, Mickey. You knocked up my mom and never called her again. Yeah, so what? So what? So let's dance.

Erica, you know I love you. But I gotta come clean. I'm--I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman?

Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him.

I used to think that John Lennon was kind of a jerk for saying The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but now, I mean, it's like, I'm not saying I am, but I get it. You know, now that we have two minutes to kind of let the dust settle, I just want to say that I'm really proud of you. Hey, I'm proud of myself, man. I mean, I think it's like...

Hey, what are you, a robot?

(LIVELY TUNE BEGINS) Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable.

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring?

Oh, there's my little angel! Here, let me get that for you, sweetie! Thanks, Dad. Wow, Peter, I gotta say, you've really been true to your word about treating Meg better. She's my only daughter, Lois. She needs to be protected, like a rare gemstone or the herniated scrotum of an older gentleman. Well, I think you've been wonderful.

Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters. Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry. She's dead, chief. Ho-ho! Dead. The Grateful Dead. Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho!

It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night. All? Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family. No. The rest were "from" the family. W-Weren't they? Oh, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be staying with us for a few days. That's right, kids. So just treat him like one of the family. You mean like Cousin Janine who we're polite to, but then mock her diabetes on the drive home? She can't eat caramel. Exactly.

Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Here. Here's $40 if you leave right now. No. I stay. God, she's more stubborn than you are! Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set. No! But you've gone for two turns! Get lost! It looks like fun and I want to do it! No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump off!

All because I can't afford to get our new car fixed. Why don't you just get another new car? Why don't you try a breath mint, saucy? I'm just saying that me and my associates will steal your car and, uh, ipso facto, your insurance company will buy you another one. Peter, you don't want to get involved with the Mob.

(PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES)

It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs,

"Pretty sneaky, sis."

Well, the mole looks benign, but we won't know for sure whether it's cancerous until the tests come back in a few days. A few days? I could be dead by then. Relax, Stewie. He said it looks benign. We'll just have to wait and see.

I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here. Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking,

First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade in-the-same-room-make-outs. "Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club! Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes,

Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes. Oh, Seeing her kiss you like that just made me crazy. Well, i--I guess we're just gonna have to learn to control our jealousy, together. Together. Ma'am, you dropped your napkin. Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later.

Uh, listen, there's been a mistake. I'm not here to arrest your father. You're not? No, son. I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is and how hard he's been working for all of you. And that no one has furniture, so you guys are right on target. Wait. You're letting me go? I don't understand.

WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1.

Of course, of course. Well, here they are, Brian. My test results. Read them and weep. Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING)

Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.

Brian, you're a thoughtful person. Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth? You're barking up the wrong tree, Meg. I'm an atheist. (ALL GASP) What's that? I don't believe in God. What? Brian, how can you say that? Why, I just thought you knew. I mean, I never go to church. You know how I feel about that.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying. Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle.

"Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!

Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

Thank God, we're finally here. That plane ride took forever. Kind of weird they showed Flight 93 on Flight 93. Hi. We're checking in. Griffin? Hmm, I do have a Griffin here, but that room was checked into hours ago. What? Yes, and I'm afraid we have no other rooms available.

Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low What the hell are you doing? Taking down the Christmas decorations.

You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth, we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

Diane? Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon. Oh, my God! Kimble was a hands-on director who frequently appeared in his own shows,

(MOANING) I am so ready to have sex with you.

Marcia Clark sure couldn't do it. That dumb beaver. Hey, I wasn't even there. I was building a Canadian dam at the time. Did you know that beavers affect their ecosystem more than any other animal? Except man.

Oh, this is fun, huh?

It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? (DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)

I picked this up on Dateline from that yummy exoskeleton, Maria Shriver. Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane!

So, do you really think you're suited to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington? Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes, but you're kind of a buzz kill. Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn.

You know, I'm really good at sight gags. Oh! I didn't mean to do that. Now it's everywhere! That's comedy. (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? That's not funny. Oh, well, interesting opinion, Lois. Gee, I wonder if there's anyone else at this table who's maybe more qualified to say what's funny than you are. Well, we'd need to see a little bit more, but...

And if you find yourself With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis So they sent this little warning

Well, I guess so. Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING)

Iraq lobster Iraq lobster

- You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at... What is it again? The Onion? So if I go up to your room right now, I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right? No. (SCREAMS) Damn it! That's what I thought.

Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going.

I'm free to take a lot of mescaline and drive to Vegas. Wait till you see Debbie Reynolds on stage. Yeah, and now my Spanish teacher and I can finally hold hands in the halls. Meg, donde esta la biblioteca? Because I'm going to bang you in the biblioteca.

Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

Hello? Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow. Huh? Huh?

You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. What? What? (DOORBELL RINGING) Dylan! What are you doing here?

I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois! (CHORTLES)

ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats.

(WATER SPLASHING) Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser.

aww. Damn you all! Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please. Uh, Ok. Uh, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me. Is that it? Uh, No, uh, this is it.

"But, uh, you know, like, attention could be paid." "People are worse off than Willie Loman." Jeez, Come on, everybody. I know it sucks, but they're just kids. Peter, how can you sleep? I was almost killed!

Mayor West only banned gay marriage so he could distract from the Dig 'Em scandal. He won't get away with it. Oh, Jasper, where'd you get these brownies? They're from a bakery in the West Quahog gay district. I thought they'd help my depression. Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God, they pack so much fudge into these. And--And look at this. There's even a couple of nuts lodged in there.

Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

This guy is an imposter.

Ow. my pride. Mom, you were right. I was nice to the cool kids, and they didn't spit on me. Connie Demico even invited me to her sweet 16. Oh, How wonderful! Now, what time do we nail those snot-nosed punks?

Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down. No. I'm not living my life without a mustache. Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart.

A pox on quahog!

What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? Come on! Then put your hands together for the one, the only, His Holiness, the Pope!

Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties.

(LOON CALLING) Listen to that. It's a loon. That's beautiful.

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Manage what?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher. In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about.

(SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that. Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank. You know, you don't... You don't deserve... You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian.

I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student- master relationship. Oh, Then allow me. Ooh. The bond is broken!

Oh. Didn't know that. Ooh! Ooh! This next one's my favorite. It's about the Pan Am flight from Lockerbie. It's raining luggage and babies and limbs and Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child. Hey, did you read this? They're going to be making an American version of Jolly Farm, right here in Quahog.

Well, good night, Karina.

Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing? You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that.

No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower!

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

God, I hate being handicapped.

Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!

Well, Good-bye, sweet home. Maybe someday we'll return. Hey Joe, can you keep an eye on the place? I might as well. I'm melted to the ground. There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school!

Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat I got blisters on me fingers!

All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

- Actually, that is religion. - Shut your trap, Brian. STEWIE: Hah! You tell him. Why? I agree with you. All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance, and that's just wrong. You think I'm... (STAMMERING) See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say, because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life. Fonzie be with you.

"Golly, Lois, where do you shop? "Gee, your house looks beautiful. "Hey, I have an inside-out penis."

You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

a Notafinger and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disc. God, I hate television. Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame? Uh, well... You see... We... You know what? I don't care. I hooked up with a chick tonight,

Also in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking with less than 19 hours to go before our planet is consumed by an expanding black hole. As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it. Hey, Mort. Now that the end of the world is here, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh?

Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. Uh, How much are we getting? Let's see. $150 a week. Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal. Whoops. No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon.

A woman is not an object. Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

Come on, everyone. The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start. Mary, have you seen Nicholas? He's up in his room sulking, Dad. Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards. Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich.

which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote. All right, hit me with this. Didn't work.

(IN PORTUGUESE) Man, that really makes me mad.

You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test. (GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.

And I think I found it. Well, Bob Funland may have his name on a sign,

(CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

We'd take a bullet just for you oh, What a coincidence. I've got one. Stewie! Prepare to suck that golden teat Now that you're stinking rich we'll gladly be your bitch My God, this house is

Well, I call you cheer-losers! Hmm, This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group. And what happened with the pyramid? I almost broke my neck! The pyramid! Of course! That must be the key to their power! Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude.

My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

You're the laughingstock of the poop world. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe.

Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel? Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed. That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office. You kids are mighty smart. You must have a powerful good teacher.

Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it, but I'm kind of embarrassed by him sometimes. I know, and he's got boobs, too. Stupid guy with boobs. Acting like he doesn't want us to look. He wants us to look. - CHRIS: Stop making fun of me! - (BOTH GASP) I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex,

I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell?

Peter, we don't know anything more than you do about running a company. Hey, where's Joe? I think he's still outside. Hey, Joe! What're you doing down there? There's no ramp! I can't get inside! Well, we don't need him anyway. This company's gonna make it on my ideas. Here are the products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year.

Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

You want me to drag my sack across your face? What? (STUTTERING) I'm sorry, it's... When one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I cheer... Listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm not very good in these types of situations.

He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God! You can talk! Never mind.

(GASPING) Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Here he comes. Get down. He's in.

What's the matter?

(Man) And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals.

Boy, I really appreciate you guys helpin' me out on this. Peter, we're your friends. We're always there for you in your time of need. Especially when you provide the free beer. Uh... Hey, Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never". You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.

Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts. (FARTS) (AIR HISSING) (FARTS) (AIR HISSING)

Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going. Hi, guys. Uh, hey! How's it going? Jeez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me. It's like I'm a freakin' leper. Hey, can we sit there?

Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up! How do we get up there? Dad put grease on the pole. Don't worry, Meg. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You simply have to counter-balance the weight at the point where the lever pivots.

Move! Run! The shield is down. Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor. The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode.

Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? No. Just read it, Lardo. "I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room. Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away from me, or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe. Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon.

Yeah, can you get me a chess set and a backwards hat? I got some inner-city school kids I gotta inspire tomorrow. Okay, Darius, point to the king. That's right. It's you.

Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there

Yes. It spread through his body so fast. But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that-- Operation! May I play? Mom! Thank you, but I can't stay.

Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives.

(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie.

That's amazing! Oh, Thanks. I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school. Heh, Nothing happened. No--No. I mean that bird just came to Meg when she whistled. Oh. No, those are just my bird calls. Do it again! Do it again!

Why did I use my toilet hand? Wait, here it is behind the toilet. (CLOCK TICKING) This is ridiculous. Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing. Well, I have questions about her testimony.

oh, Thanks for coming, Lois. Mark's been trying to get me to see his one-man show for weeks. Oh, I think it's wonderful you're supporting your old pal. "Go long, Eddie! Go long! Further! further! "ah!

It's the PBS show Old Ships. God, I hate PBS. ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil,

You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together. Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow!

Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Doggone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU. Now, I think we should go down there to support him.

Um... Oh. Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"! oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk. G-Give me your keys. What is this, Dad? A Southern tradition, son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War.

Mayor West is located one-third of a kilometer that way. Just over this rise. Yeah, that's what you told us a third of a kilometer ago, you douche. Perhaps you'd like to do something besides criticizing me and quoting my movies? You just watch your mouth, mister! Look!

I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish the First United Church of the Fonz. Fonzie, if this be your will, give me a sign. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.

Of course she listened. In Muslim culture, wives are much more obedient. No way. That's awesome. So wait, let me get this straight. Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout, "Admiral Akbar," when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

(MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin.

Shut up, Brian.

Damn it. (LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be staying with us for a few days. That's right, kids. So just treat him like one of the family. You mean like Cousin Janine who we're polite to, but then mock her diabetes on the drive home? She can't eat caramel. Exactly.

Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant.

God, I should take her out right here with these, man. Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? (EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass.

Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that!

present arms! Load weapons! boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out! Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

(SCATTING) Cool! Wait. What are you doing? They're sleeping in here. Oh, please. They get so doped up on sleeping pills and liquor, an earthquake wouldn't wake them up.

Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too.

(WEAKLY) Luke.

Looking good. Almost done. And there. Done. (WOMEN GASP) What have you done? I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

(YOWLS) Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer. Let me ask him.

You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop. Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room... it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit. Man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. Always makes me feel so stupid. More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car? Damn it!

I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right? Just get off my back! She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am!

You look real grown up. Uh, yes, I'd like to buy some alcohol, please. Okay, can I see your ID? I don't have one. You don't? No, it's me, Chris. Oh, hey, Chris. Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol? No. Oh, okay. Hey, you know what's a great movie?

And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family. I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60. Sir, that casket costs $1,000. Okay, $70. WhaT? $2,000.

No! No, I won't! Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love?

Naptime appears to be over. Go ahead! Finish me off! My one regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman. What the-- How the devil do you know about Lois? You've seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me plotting my escape. You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What--What else do you hate?

You know, Peter, I just want to thank you for all you've done for me. You are one hell of an agent. Well, with you as a client, it's easy. (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? She calls herself an assistant, but yes. What is it, Sandra? There's a man here to see you. He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. Really? Well, then, by all means, send him in!

Everyone, I got big news. We are going to be rich. Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic. Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one. Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people?

Oh, it's gonna happen. (RINGS DOORBELL) Oh, hi, Meg. Hi, Mr. Quagmire. What can I do for you? I was wondering if I could borrow some roofies? Oh, sure, sure, just a sec. Roofies, huh?

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right.

This is in none of the songs or poetry. It's a horror show up here! How could you let this happen? Me? I didn't do this. Christmas did!

(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING)

Excuse me, while I get a little more comfortable. Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman.

Hello. oh, We're not Jewish. But I hear you people have such lovely services. Oh, my God! I--I didn't mean "you people." I didn't mean "oh, my God," either. I know--I know he's your God, too.

You said it, friend! What do you say for celebration, we go dunk our whistles in the trough? Oh, we should totally phone Gaspard! Oh, he would love to hear this tale! Oh, but I only have 15 pfennigs on my phone card. Happy Gerbitz Day. (BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(SIGHS) Fine. Amber, would you like to have some dinner with our family?

Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks.

Hi, Hammacher Schlemmer? I'd like the wall-size crossword puzzle. Why, yes, I do have a credit card. Name is Yoda... Parseghian?

W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no!

I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country!

It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife.

Don't you recognize me from the coins? Oh, yeah. The ones with your profile. You know, you look really weird from the side. Well, that's something we didn't really think out too well when we started.

Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress.

Peter, for God's sake! Oh, Ok, Ok. Grab my hand. And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion.

(CROWING)

Stop it! What if the kids were to see you drinking like this? Especially Stewie. He's so impressionable. Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.

and you've gotta stop her before something happens.

we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar.

Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate." C-O-A-G-A... (BUZZER RINGING) Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. Bet you could spell "box cutter." I'm nine years old and I'm Indian.

Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini. What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

(DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) Oh, my God, Dad! Are they gonna take me? I'm so scared! (SCREAMING) Meg? Meg?

English - US - Line 21

Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats.

(BIRDS CHIRPING) Oh, this is one fine day to be nude Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude (BIRDS CHIRPING) The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring"

I don't know what we're afraid of Nothing would change if we made love So I'll be your friend

Hey, listen, Lois. You know, I know your head must be turned upside down by this whole Peter thing. So, you know, if there's anything you wanna talk about... Oh, don't worry, Brian. I'll admit this is an emotional time for me but you and I are married and that's the way it's gonna stay.

i wanna tell you I love your way ooh i wanna be with you night and day oh, Peter! Our song!

Have fun at the circus.

mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro. I mean, I'm just... Like, I mean, naked they'd be running away from each other, okay? I don't... I don't think they are playing for the same team. Who is this? Where'd you get this girl? Oh, by the way, I need a chimp sidekick.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work?

Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me!

I can't take out the garbage because I'm at the office and they're making me stay late. Peter, the caller I.D. says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact, I can see you. Can you see me now? No. Ok, Now I'm at the office.

Oh, hey, Joe. God, I thought I was in trouble for a minute. Hey, toots, you know why I pulled you over? You were going too sexy in a 35 zone. I'll need to see your driver's license. What? Joe, what the hell's wrong with you? It's me, Quagmire.

Well, that sucks.

Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Yes. The penis one.

Uh... This is Peter Griffin.

But, Daddy, if you don't do what they say, they'll kill me! Sorry, pumpkin. You know we don't negotiate with kidnappers. Family policy. Daddy, no! Please! Please! She'll be all right.

She must be more drunk than Santa Claus when he got that DUI. (SLURRING) No, no. It wasn't my fault. Some guy in a Plymouth totally cut me off. Sir, they don't make Plymouths anymore. Are you Jewish? Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the sleigh.

Yeah. But not with you! Hey, Did you hear what happened to that dude from U.Mass? He got so drunk he fell off his hotel balcony! He's in a coma! Oh, man! I want to party with him! You know it! Yeah! - Whoo! - Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, look. Meg made it, you guys. Yeah. And she brought her mommy.

because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us! And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog.

Yes, Peter, I am.

...E e Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him. You're gonna love being famous, Meg.

What? Why? It's a long story. You don't want to hear about it. Shut your face. I want to hear all about it. But listen, I got all this shopping to do, so you want to stop by tomorrow night? I'll just whip something up. Well, sure. You know, that sounds nice, Glenn. Holy smokes, this is a sure thing.

Well.... Please, just take care of yourself, honey. Hey guys. ls everyone on the phone? " got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing...

I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

Oh, my God, this is delicious. What do you mean "all day"? What about all the housework? I did it in, like, an hour. I don't understand why you're such a freaking martyr all the time. It's a house. It's a finite area. I'm not cleaning a town. Hey, family, I'm home. Ooh. That smells fantastic.

To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already.

Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother!

Get away from me, you crazy animal! You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help!

I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter.

People of Quahog, I have something to say. Now that we've freed ourselves from the terrible shackles of government, it's time to replace it with something better. (ALL GRUMBLING) The first thing we need is a system of rules that everyone must live by.

Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there. You been lifting weights?

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word

What else be funny tonight? Uh, Star Jones got married. That was in the news. Married a black fellow, which is quite a surprise because I'd call her quite a catch. And black guys, by and large, they're not so helpful on a fishing vessel. Now, Portuguese, absolutely, absolutely. I even had a couple of Japanese guys who worked out great.

Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself. What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill, but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark. I'm right back where I started. Well, sounds like we need another loan shark.

Can we please talk about Peter? He has so much to live for, Death. He loves his children and mE-- Ok, Ok. I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift. What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

Hey, you know what might be fun? How about we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies? Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky. I said a bad movie, not an abortion. This is gonna be great. A whole evening with Lois! We are gonna have such a fun time.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Ah! Another day of being huge. Good morning, guns of... (GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

My life is sweeter With my new friend Peter You're a lotus eater Now that you're a superstar It used to be I always took the brunt

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?

Well, look who finally came home. Jeez, I thought you were gonna spend all night at Joe's. Oh, I could've. That man has got magic fingers. He found this one spot behind my ear, I... Forget about it. I thought my leg was never gonna stop. I don't believe this. My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on.

Something I should've done a very long time ago.

How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

Let's go! All right, we need some wheels. This one's unlocked. An S.U.V.? Look, we're trying to elude someone. We're not driving to soccer practice.

Objection, Your Honor. This is ridiculous. Overruled. I'll allow it. You better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin.

JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!

If I was an oven mitt... Damn it, Peter!

I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner.

We have some business to take care of, though.

That's it!

Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before?

(STEWIE YAWNING) What you doing? Oh. Hey. Just needed a little drink. Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right? Saving it for what? It's not important. Want a sip? You're offering me some? It's liquor, isn't it? Yeah, it's liquor.

We sure did, buddy.

Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this. Do I know you? I don't think I can do this. You can't back out now. How about a pill? Something to relax you before you go on? Peter, are you offering Brian drugs? Not drugs, Lois. Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform.

Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere. Damn them. (STUTTERING) Well, that's the thing. I mean, there's only two phones in the... Well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago. Yikes! I could use a distraction right now.

Thank you.

The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide! I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich,

Give it up! How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store. I remember you face.

Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back.

This... blows! Uh...

Of course, With Johnny, you'd get the financial security. I--I'd go with Johnny. Oh, Great. Brian. Uh, h-Hey, Joe, ha! How's it going? Pretty good. You were, uh, doing A little swerving back there. Uh, yeah, Yeah well, you know, m-me and the boys were just-- Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian.

And besides, don't you think you'll be happier just being who you really are? (SIGHS) Maybe you're right. What the hell. I mean, what other choice do I have at this point? Everybody knows now anyway. Great. Trust me. Nobody's gonna give you a hard time. And even if they do, just ignore them. That's what I do with that weekend bully. Hey, your weekend sucks!

I love brownie day. Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub.

I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook! Get out.

with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek. Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends. That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy,

Now, few people realize that until 1928, there were no hoses, and you actually had to fight fires with your bare hands. I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING)

And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures. Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE!

Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau. What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist. And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person,

Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice!

What the hell is that? Oh, my God. There's fish everywhere. Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef. Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff.

That's right. I'm your daddy. Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris.

And we deserve all the rights and privileges that everyone else getS. But we have to think about the welfare of our children! Uh... Stewie, is that you? Look, Lois. my mind is made up.

Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now? Look, my ears are ringing, my foot arches are hurting, and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes. Peter, you sound like an old fart. I thought you liked having a hot, young wife.

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Um... Leia, wow. I didn't get raped. Okay? Okay. - Okay? - Okay!

No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.

Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die.

pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.

PETER: Damn it. MORT: What happened? PETER: I dropped my phone in the toilet. (SPLASHING) (PETER GROANS) It's so cold and it's under everything. I feel like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria. Where is it? Oh, my God, why haven't I found it yet? Oh, no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough.

Yes!

Oh, that's pretty. yech.

Really? Well, there's a lot more body hair where that came from. Oh, well, then no thank you. Wow, these DVD's are only 99 cents apiece. Hey, look at some of these Spanish translations of the movie titles. Here's The 40-Year-old Virgin, and in Spanish, it's called The No-Sex Man Comes to Town.

Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side only I know.

What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next.

the man who crawled through a river of poop and came out clean on the other side. Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

And there you have it. Coming up next, watch me shave. Peter, you're all right! I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life. Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody. Hey, Stewie, wanna go down the slide? STEWIE: Um... What's the matter? You never been down the slide before?

FAITH: Well, Hope, f don 't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits. HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking powder. It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING) FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale.

I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat! - All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant! Oh, crap! Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter. 10 years ago Daddy offered to give us $10 million,

(TAIL WAGGING) (THUMPING) What's that thumping noise? It's your tail. Stop wagging your tail. (WHISPERS) I can't help it. Do something. (GROANS)

Well, that's gonna be a challenge. But it can't be any harder than folding that thousand-mile-long sheet. All right, I got my corner. Everybody ready? Ready. Chris? Ready. Meg? You know, long ago, before this happened,

- It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there?

All right, hold on. Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for? So you can fuck dogs?

It gets better after the first... (SNIFFING) What smells like head? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston.

Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy.

Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home. HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter. HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen.

Stewie, I have a surprise for you. Good as new. Rupert! It's really him. I don't believe it. You... You did this for me? And to help you feel better, I made your favorite dinner.

Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP

Oh, no. It's a multiracial TV gang, including white guys. Well, well, what do we got here? Let's beat him up, but not because of his color, 'cause that doesn't matter to us.

Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together.

Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What?

I'm being a rascal and ringing people's doorbells and running away.

I don't take the lawn with me when I go. Well, I was right to trust you with it then. And this is called waiting in line at the movies. It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,

- There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry. I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right. Hi, boys. I didn't have my hands down my pants. Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section.

it's hope that will save us from who we once were. (APPLAUSE)

Time I've been passing time watching trains go by All of my life Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly

One of the greatest football players ever. Peter, he murdered two people. What? He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. Simpson? Yes. Was this in the news? Yes, Peter. It was all over the news. Well, now, wait a minute. If he killed two people, how come he's not in jail?

I love you You'll never know just how much I care

Oh, hey, come on, man. You just got to get used to it. Hey, have you gone yet? Have you popped your butt cherry?

Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready.

I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.

Tomorrow, high school. Finally, We go to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for 60 seconds of filler. Thanks, Tom. I'm here on Spooner Street Where several quahog families are holding a car wash to raise money for an organ transplant for young Paul Lewis. so, What do you call this device, Paul? It's an iron lung. It keeps me from dying.

Okay, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, all right? You're doing this thing, which is just, you know.... What the hell is that?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation!

Either he commits to you, or you're gone. What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together!

Oh, Michael, I love you, too. And I have some wonderful news. I'm not pregnant. BOTH: What? (DOOR SLAMS)

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

They see your diaper and think, "Ew, that dog is sick. He must be dying. "I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. "Why don't they just put him to sleep?"

Oh, My goodness, it's A... another sword. Thank you, Peter. Go ahead. Try it on.

Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought!

(YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it.

Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, Lois, look at me, I got post-partum depression! (MOCK CRYING) I'm sad about stuff! (MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad.

Warning. Host's oxygen levels rising. Heart rate increasing. Oh, my God! Either they're watching Batman or they're doing the do! Hmm. If I'm going to reach the testicles, and destroy the sperm before coitus, i must buy some time.

Aw, look at him, Lois. Relaxing after his big victory. Peter, he's not relaxing. He's in a great deal of pain. Damn it, don't you see what you did to him? I told you not to take him to that eating competition, and you deliberately defied me! All right, what's this really about? Peter, Chris is already overweight. We need to start taking responsibility for his health.

I knew I didn't like the sound of that laugh! Peter, this is unacceptable! What gives you the right to treat me like this? You've been treating me like crap for 20 years, Mr. Pewterschmidt, and now I'm the one in charge. Hang on a second.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, We've had a lot of laughs tonight.

Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

Threepio, please. Whatever you have to say cannot possibly be as important as this conversation. But you're standing on a trap door, and if Jabba pushes the button... (ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say? But there's a trap door right under your feet! There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking!

Yes, I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing some initiative. God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done?

Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie. Yeah, Matthew, that pizza pie was delicious. Hey, watch out, crazy driver. That joker must have been from Jefferson High. (ALL LAUGHING) They're our rivals. Well, here we are at the make out point. Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong?

Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands. I know. And maybe that's why he ended up in my hands.

Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING)

Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look.

Hey hey, Slobodan, you made it! I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw.

Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass. Hey, don't call me names, Kyle. Hi, Kyle.

I say thank you. And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow? I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here. Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work out.

Good morning, Mr. Pewterschmidt. It's 8:00, and I'm ready for work. Good. Have a seat. - Drink that. - What is it? My blood. I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it. Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably.

Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to? New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester. What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972. Exemplary.

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present.

Well, well, look who's here. All right, all right, look, I know an apology is due here... so, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested. Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom.

Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois,

Twice as tall as me, 3 times the girth Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6. Good news! Good news! What, more people I love think I'm an arrogant jerk? You're more than that, Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best new Director."

Some say love It is a razor That leaves Your soul to bleed (ALL SINGING)

(LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.

Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you?

It is so hot out there! How hot is it? Oh, I don't know. Like, around 98, 99. I don't get it. Ew, I think I'm a little sweaty. You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one? That's Meg, dude. You know that.

Oh! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm cleaning myself. Uch. You were clean 15 minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me?

(PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it?

I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done. You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)

It's got steam heat I got steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love to keep away the cold I goT-- All right, break it up!

When was the last time you saw your toes? I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me.

It's a commercial, lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR. Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat! Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat! Dad, nobody gives things away for free. That's not true. I know plenty of people who give things away. Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Free-- I'll take it!

Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?

Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Artoo?

Anyone tell who it is yet? No? Okay, well, what if I move this here, and this here. And it's Dianne Wiest. All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west.

Ooh. Someone went to Yale. Lois, put the coffee on. Careful. I just cleaned the floor. Good thing. Mmm, Lemony. Your Holiness, this is such an honor. Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home!

TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote? Hey, honey, guess what?

No, you listen, Brian! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you. What? When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding that she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up, I'll let you take that one for me, Brian.

Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right.

Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run!

Ah, Trust me, Joe. I know physical fitness. I was in Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to Books on Tape. The Red Sox were in town. But I didn't care because it was Tuesday, and I was on my way to see Maury. He couldn't go to the bathroom by himself anymore. But his indomitable spirit...

Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe! - PETER! - What? Are you sleeping on the job? No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here.

(ALL GASPING) What? Carter, is this true?

'cause our checkbook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap

and we'll call it Handiquacks?

Yeah, well, in mine, the boy's got to gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father. That's one of the sequels! Well, well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway. (CONTINUES LAUGHING) I'm going to pee in my pants!

"What is the most unattractive "male first name in the English language?" Keith.

So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know?

Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world. They do? Yeah, they're unbelievable.

So be it. As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

That's just me up there. Listen. MORT: If this is it ooh wah Please let me know If this ain't love You better just say so If this is it They say I've got Jewish honey in my voice. Jewish honey is mucus.

How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler...

...with suggestions you'd like to see. They're mostly god-awful. Tonight we took your advice and produced three of our favorite suggestions. Favorites? Oh, that's charitable. undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy.

Give yourselves a round of applause. Damn!

and picnic on the grass

Oh, baby! Oh, honey! Hug me! Suffer! (EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off,

Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR.

Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can just up and run away, you crazy. I like to eat people from other planets. Especially y'all.

No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit.

I haven't thought about that family in years. I think about them all the time. And the example you set for me that day. It's the very reason I left Iraq. It sucks how early I have to work. (SIGHS) Well, Kevin, I still can't say that I agree with your choice.

Is that ok with you? Because your opinion matters, too.

I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..." - You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin,

There, all done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel. (EVERYTHING I DO PLAYING)

what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee! You know you made me love you I love you.

We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did. I found my baby book! Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. And, The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake. You see, Meg? I'm the favorite!

You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's.

(MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

(COUGHING) (CHOKING) Oh, my God! Mom's choking! Out of the way! I'm an EMT. (GRUNTING) Her airway's jammed. Come on now. Just like that.

Mom's gonna get whacked? What did you do?

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too.

Yeah! Surprise! Uh, Everything looks the same. Oh, It looks the same, but actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean. oh. Ha. maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors.

Fellows, please keep it civil.

That's right. I have divine powers! Ok. Safe drive. Well, What do you have to say to that? I'm not going to jail, Chris doesn't have to die, and best of all, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air. You're a great role model, Peter.

Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint? Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one.

Boy, I sure am happy to be back. Yeah, Peter, we thought we'd lost you for good. And luckily, I don't know many words, so I was able to relearn them all in a day. Don't ever leave us again, Dad. Sorry, Chris, but this weekend, Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club.

You cleared my mind

Wow. Yep. With no Christianity to inspire Michelangelo, they gave the job to John Hinckley.

What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!

Peter, Meg's been in there a long time. Boy, you cannot wait to criticize her at every turn, can you? Go get her! Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier. You were right to criticize Meg.

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you."

But--But seriously, you can trust me. Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you.

9/11.

Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers.

And then, while continuing to squeeze, run them up the length of your tail to the tip, and I'll make you a clone. I only have to do it once? I'll tell you when to stop. (CHUCKLES) I don't know why you're stopping. Nobody told you to stop.

Everybody in Japan is either a 10-year-old girl or a monster.

Yesterday when you said I don't live with purpose, you were right. I don't. What purpose does my life have? I don't like when you talk like this. Oh, it's true, Stewie. Dogs are supposed to be able to instinctively live with purpose, not even to have think about it, just born like that.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

JOYCE: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. Happy Turkey Day, Quahog. This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade. We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today, and we're a little wet, as you can see, because, apparently, there are no awnings that exist anywhere. There's your top news story right there.

but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there. What? Where? Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kind of disguise. Oh, my God, Dad! What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh!

Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

BRIAN: Hello? - Hello? - DOG: Hello. - BRIAN: Are you a dog? - Yes! BRIAN: I am also a dog. - DOG: All right! - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're dogs! - BRIAN: Yeah, we're dogs! DOG: We're dogs that live near each other! DOG 2: Hey, are you guys dogs? - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're totally dogs! BRIAN: Yeah, both of us! Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull.

Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai. Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit! The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia,

There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode,

Come on, into the garbage chute. She's right! Come on, Chewbacca. What, are you kidding? It's probably full of disease. I'm not jumping in there.

Jasper's residence.

Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

The Queen's coming to Billingsbury? That's bloody sweet!

More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of MaSH. When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh? Am I right? Who's with me? Huh? This year we will defeat those Pranksters with our secret weapon... Guillermo. Ugh. Bravo!

Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE. I just have to stay off it for a few days. W-w-waiT, you can't stay herE. Why noT? You're trying to kill me!

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?

Adam Sandler? Yoo-hoo, Benny! That's my brother on that chariot! I'm driving here! Whoa! (GROANING) Ooh, that's gotta hurt. (ANNOUNCER LAUGHING) And introducing that joke!

You know, I'm really... I'm sensing something here that... I should be going. No, how about you stay here and I leave and never come back again? Stewie, this isn't how I wanted it to end. But you did want it to end. You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine.

D... OT. Dot.

(SLURRING) Well, I just can't understand any of this. Everybody in Japan is either a 10-year-old girl or a monster. I don't care about the money, Peter! I don't care about boxing! The only reason I did this in the first place was 'cause of you! What do you mean? Peter, sometimes you're so insensitive, and you make me so angry, I just want to clock you in the jaw.

Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk.

(PLAYING STAR WARS THEME) What the hell was that?

Straight Camp? Yeah. It's where gays go to get cured. This is dated last year. I just... I just had it lying around. (SIGHS) I don't know. Goes against everything I believe in. But at this point, I'm willing to try anything. (SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON RADIO)

Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely. My friend here is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly. And I'm of a different species. You're hired.

Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry.

They're in place! God, it gets me hot when Joe lies to strangers. When I get him home, I swear to God I'm gonna grease up-- That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris. Here we go, Dad! Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?

I'm flying! I'm flying!

undefinedI'm going to bed. " do not require sleep. Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this.

PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second? (GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.

No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day. (CHUCKLES) Yes, that's a very smart joke. Isn't that right, comedy professors? (MURMURING IN AGREEMENT) PROFESSORS: Well done. Indeed.

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape. You got the stuff?

(WHISPERING) What?

I told you. What did I tell you?

Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time. Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on T.V.,

Oh! Boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note. I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter. Well, I'll just have to get a second job or something. Hand me the classifieds. Hey, Lois, look at this. "Subject wanted for medical..." What's that?

Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials,

What? Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn. No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.

(SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash! (ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this. Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going. I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow. But you're not scheduled tomorrow. I know.

Oh, please, they choose that. (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York.

QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING) That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that. Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine.

English - US - CC

Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all! Let's go home. PETER: You know what's weird? This was covered by my HMO.

Wait. What are you doing? (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Come on!

Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. You have selected 300! If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now. No! You have confirmed 300.

(CROWS)

Well, maybe if I'd seen you kiss your girlfriend. - Fine. - What was that? What is she, your grandmother? (SCOFFS) That's no kiss. Watch this. (MOANING)

Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you. Oh! Crap, Peter, it's a flash flood! Oh, man, I better save my autographed picture of Dean Cain. You know, from before he got all desperate for attention.

First I took an art class. Am I... Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music. Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

Out on my own again You put me high Upon a pedestal So high that I could almost see eternity

Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night? All right, tonight's selection, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Now let's all sit down and take our headache.

Oh, Peter, Moroccan food is the jizz. I don't know. Looks like it might give me the kind of farts I get from eating Mexican food. (FARTS) (YELLING IN SPANISH) - (FIRES GUNS) - (ALL SCREAMING)

Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS) I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, but I know where it should be.

Stop mocking me!

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough.

It came with my Star of David. Everyone, from now on our lives will be better. We'll be wealthy, our sons will become doctors, and we'll be in charge of charity, so we don't have to contribute to them. I'm offended by that, and I'm not even Jewish. Peter, what is all this? Look, this is my way of letting you know that I'm embracing who you are.

Boy, this feels really weird, Lois. I know. But maybe the doctor's right. This time apart could be good for us. Ah, I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run.

Oh, Peter, you got here just in time! Chris is almost on. Shh! Mom, here it is. As Quahog prepares for the arrival of President Barack Obama, it will be a very big day for one local teenager who will be reading his essay to introduce the President.

Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without T.V. for weeks! Now Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without T.V. Ha. What's that supposed to mean? Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey.

What Accomplishments?

Well, Kevin, I would say, first of all, don't shave or shower. Okay, I won't. - And you just got out of bed, right? - Yeah. I would say, just go ahead and wear that tank top all day. Okay. All right, so we covered the hygiene, no collared shirts. Oh, and don't forget to walk around with an undeserved sense ofaccomplishment.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me?

(BUZZER RINGING) Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. Bet you could spell "box cutter."

Do you know who I am? I'm Tom Tucker, damn it! I make more in an hour than you make in two hours!

We're not getting enough customers. This place is like a ghost town half the time. Yeah, maybe somebody should have asked me. After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience. All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now. What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why. Really? You don't know why?

Good job today. Good job today. Great class. Nice hustle.

Just name it.

I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

Peter, If you're this desperate about chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out? Look, If you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest. I'm talking about liposuction. My brother Broderick's a cosmetic surgeon. Is--Is he good?

ugh! Ugh! But, uh, you know, thanks to these sessions, i--i--I think I'm ok. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for 2 weeks now. Mazel tov. Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan.

Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas.

Well, That's the last of the furniture. No T.V. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso.

Wow! I didn't know it really looked like that. Oh, Neither did I. Such lovely printing, too.

(CAMERAS CLICKING) PHOTOGRAPHERS: Scarlett! Scarlett Johansson! MAN 1: Scarlett, over here! WOMAN: Scarlett Johansson! - Scarlett! - Scarlett! MAN 2: Laura Linney. - (CAMERA CLICKS) - Whoops.

- O.J. is innocent, all right? - Innocent? Yes. The most perfect justice system in the world found him innocent. But we know he did it. You were there? I didn't realize that. And you didn't do anything to stop it. Accessory to murder! Why are you so quick to defend this guy? Because he was a childhood hero, Brian.

We had sex. We had sex! We had what Joe calls sex. Chris, honey, what's wrong? Anna took a dump on me. What? Yeah, she broke up with me.

Come on, do math.

Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good.

Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good, then. Friends, family, and characters random, to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention.

Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane?

(BARKING)

Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan!

Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening. That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el.

No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast! I'm so worried about your father.

God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smoking was bad,

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool. Neil. Neil, not so fast.

Wow! I had heard about the Holocaust, but I never believed it till right now.

for you have raised a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation of God's great love within us all. Wow! And that's from the freakin' Pope! So I guess you were wrong about me, Dad. I was wrong all right. Stand by, boys. I was wrong about you! You've gone soft on me, Holy Father!

"Jews are responsible for all the world's wars." Brian, you think that's our Jesus? (PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking. Oh, yeah? Why should I? Yeah? Well, get someone else to bail you out, 'cause it ain't gonna be me. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it?

Hold it, hold it! What's going on? We're here to demolish this building by order of the bank. Like hell you are! What are you talking about, Peter? We ain't goin' nowhere. This bar belongs to us.

Through the trees!

Ah, the bloodiest. The two kids who found it were forced to murder each other. Oh, Peter, I love it! Hey, you want to watch a DVD of the murder while we do it? I already watched it eight times, so I know exactly which part I want to blam at. Chris, Meg, now that I'm a rich father,

No, it's all right. We were just trying to get some of them sunken Mercedes. Oh, yeah, there's a great big pile of them down there. Me and my mates, right, we was having a laugh sitting in of one of them, pretending to be people. (CHUCKLES) You know, like, driving around, getting into incidents with other motorists.

Hey, Meg? You okay in there? (RUSTLING NOISE) Uh, yeah. Come on in. Everything all right? Yeah! Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. Listen. I feel like I should explain myself a little bit here. I'm sorry I had to tell Lois what was going on. You just...

(GROWLING) (GUNSHOT) That's for shooting one of our guys!

In the whole world, you say? Oh, What the hell.

D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh!

Oh, and he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois. (WHINES) Dad, are you ready?

Save it, Meg! I don't need your apologies! I can see now that you're a complete psycho!

I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton...

Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch. Hey, Mort. Lois and I are out on our date night. Why don't you give me some condoms? And some Excedrin. My wife's got a headache this big.

Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me. Of course, Cleveland. Oh, man. I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model.

You may not remember, but I told you last week I got my niece's recital today. (VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY)

But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff. Brian.

Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress?

Glenn. Brian. What? Are you serious? I feel like I didn't get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose? All right. But I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow-kite.

Peter. Don't embarrass yourself. You need to just let this go. Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING) It's time for you to leave.

(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you. And Scream in a Box.

Peter! Chris, these are plantains. And there's nothing wrong with them. In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal-size bananas. Because they're exotic, and flavorful and very, very special. Oh, yeah, Sure, Lois. All the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section.

Nah, nah Family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, edited for goats. KHAN: Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet.

(BOTH GASP)

MAN ON TV: We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders. (SOBBING) I don't know how it got like this!

CannonbalL!

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking.

(SIGHS) STEWIE: Oh, no! Did that hit Crazy Stairs? I've graded your assignments. Clearly there is only one person here who understands the material.

Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island.

uh, This is, uh, kind of creeping me out. I'm gonna go. Take this, for protection. What the hell's this for? When the time comes, you'll know.

What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why? Why? Why? Saunders, tell him why! Because it's Rule 142-B! Because it's Rule 142-B!

(ALL CHEERING)

- Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow.

Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine? Well, I suppose it's possible.

I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.

You were right, Dad. Being Irish rocks! That's more like it, son. now, Today we're gonna learn about the Griffin family history. What's a library, Dad? Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

It makes perfect sense, Lois. You know how much time I've spent on the ocean. Wilson! What are we gonna do now? WiLson! WiLson! My name is Voit, dumb ass.

I just-- I don't understand how he could do that without me. We were gonna do everything together! It was one cereal ad, Peter. Besides, he's the one who won the medal. Yeah, I guess. Coming to A.B.C.,

Yeah, uh, I'm looking for toilet-training books. Oh, yes. We can help you there. Uh, Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect!

Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh...

What's for dinner? Play-Doh spaghetti. - Oh! - What? No. No, it's nothing. Just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night. (GRUMBLING) And that's all we had last night. What does that mean? Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Maybe that we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex. Do you even know what sex is?

And I'll be your lover (SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance.

Good riddance! What the hell would we ever need guns for? Victory is ours. Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope! Ahh! Hey Bob, y-you remember the other day, you were asking me what the definition of irony was, and I said--

Oh, My sweetie is ok. aw, Better than ok, Lois. From now on, I'm gonna appreciate all the little things in life, like you and the kids. Whoah, whoah, whoah, Is this the price of my bill or my phone number? Uh, Your phone number. Oh.

Not even the police. That's right, not a word to anyone. Nobody. Lips are sealed. Ooh! I want to tell somebody. Peter! You shut your mouth! Hey, Mort, I was really sorry to hear about the pharmacy. Oh, thank you, Joe. I was very, very sorry, too. Yeah, Joe. The insurance guy said it was an accident. Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.

It's amazing how far medical technology has come. Well, sure is good to have you back. Joe is, uh, (CLEARS THROAT) chattier than you'd think he'd be when you're not here. Look, I'm just saying if pro is the opposite of con,

You've got to have a little more showmanship.

A wall! Well, no matter. I'm prepared for a lengthy captivity as well. I swallowed this People magazine in 1989. All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee.

I need information. I was molested by my dad. I know that. I need other information. I want you to tell me where I can find Bobby Briggs. Come on, you know I can't give out a client's personal information. All right, I'm gonna have to do the Vulcan V-Meld.

Of a once raging fire

Let's do it! (TIRES SQUEALING) Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry.

Yeah, and I bet I answered the customer complaint line at a Danish cookie company. Hello, Danish cookie company. No, I know they don't taste very good. Well, because they're very dry, aren't they? I mean, they came in a tin, how fresh did you think they were gonna be? Look, it's dark and freezing in Denmark.

a cat doing a pull-up, and the guys from Primus. These poster jokes doing anything for you? Eh, hit and miss. We should hang out more.

What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?

So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal! You know something? I like your passion. Okay, we'll do the show, and we'll do it your way. No. Well, that was a miscalculation.

(ALL GASPING) What? Carter, is this true?

I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!

I just woke up from a nap and I feel drafty. Peter, we don't have air conditioning. Well, that's awful peculiar. (GASPS) Oh, my God. Peter, look. Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell? Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh. (GRUNTING)

Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!

Is there more underneath, or is that it? I'm sorry? (LAUGHING) Zac, just get the hell out of my car! That's it? That was sex?

Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world. Oh, oh, Funny sailing story. A guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean and he sees a little black dog. Let me tell ya, This dog's been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter. Peter, maybe this isn't the place-- H-h-Hang on, Lois. So the guy take the dog into the vet.

I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.

What the hell? Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint. Joe, shh! Peter's about to start. We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members, to talk about the greatest temptation the devil ever created. Alcohol!

He 's retarded Peter is He 's retarded Peter is slow Griffin. Party of two. Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you. Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal.

Oh, That's my, uh, son. Your son? But you're just a baby yourself. Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru. We will blitz the competition, and in no time, you 'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru right to a touchdown.

Here's your welfare check. What the...

All right. Let's do this.

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart!

(SNEEZES)

No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this?

Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

Drive. Any particular direction? That way.

Whoa! What planet is this? It's not a... Peter, its Earth. It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr. Swanson?

Hello, friend. I hear you're contemplating having an abortion.

All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed.

You only have one leg, sir.

Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door?

Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality.

God, why does he look sad? STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?

Samantha, Samantha, I will see you in Binghamton. And now I want you to go and take a picture of yourself because it will be your last day alone. (PHONE BEEPS) Geez, what's not clear about, "Get lost"? By the way, my attendance at home is gonna be spotty over the next few weeks. And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair,

He called me names. You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation.

confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things. You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a 17-year-long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago.

What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

(SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

A baby? I didn't sell a baby. Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity.

Welcome to America, Brian. Hi, everybody. This is Scott. Oh! Who's Scott? My soul mate, Lois. I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you. What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.

I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke.

She has feelings, you know, and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. You don't really think I'm like that, do you?

We all know what's going on here. It's just implied, but we all know what's going on in this thought bubble. The kids don't know, but we do.

Ra y, your mother insulted my steak pizzola again.

"Shape up or show me your balls." (CHUCKLES) That's good. Really? How about this one? "In your face, Nancy Grace." I love it. Oh, man, there are a lot of good ones here. "Fire alarm? I am the fire alarm. "Find your own beach house, crabby. "Put that in your office and frame it." The last one's kind of lame. Did you get down to the one at the bottom there?

(MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)

- Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person.

Welcome back to E!'s Adult Video Awards preshow. It's a good crowd here tonight, Mom. It sure is, Melissa. All the studs and sluts are arriving. Brian! BRIAN! Uh, Hey. You're nominated for 3 of the 7 films you directed yesterday. Add Momma to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo,

Oh. They absolutely love your book. The simplistic writing style is very graspable to them. Here's your award. I made it all by myself. Thanks. Hey, Brian! Smell my finger! I... I already can.

(ALL GASPING) It's him! Sorry I took so long. I was going to the bathroom, and I just couldn't stop looking at my penis, 'cause it's, you know, so fantastic. You're a monster... Yeah, I heard it's fantastic. You're a monster, James Woods! You think you can just commit murder and get away with it? Quagmire loved that girl! QUAGMIRE: Easy. Murder? What are you talking about?

Look, the only way to get any respect around here is to find something you want and just take it! Wait A second, If everybody respects you, how come you're still eating here by yourself? I don't shower. Oh, That's what that is. Take what I want, huh?

No, I think it's called specific time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00. (STEWIE SNICKERING) Stewie, are you on the line? STEWIE: Yes. Jillian, I'll talk to you later. (CRYING) So, Meg...

Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind.

Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely. Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket.

and I respect you for raising them. But may I ask you a question? Okay. Have you ever read anything I've written? Well, no, I haven't. But I've read things other people have written about the things you've written, and I do not approve of the things I've read from others about the things they've read from you. Not one bit, sir. For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself.

I think Brian just got in my head a bit. That's all. Brian? Why? What did Brian say? Oh, nothing. He just thinks you're a bad influence on me. (LAUGHS) Thinks I should stop seeing you. He does? How dare he? Babe? Babe? Don't worry about it, all right? Stewart, do you love me?

I've been brainwashed, like Elizabeth Smart. It's so wonderful having her home again. She's brought music back into the house. Playing songs on the harp. Of course most of them are about rape, but it's still nice.

These are going in the garbage.

Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche. What's that, now? Yeah, I don't like him, either.

Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

Of the session. Oh, no. There's a policeman coming. (ALL GASP) All right, everybody, you know what to do. Alcoholics, transform.

Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again! Oh. Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right? I mean, i-I'm just trying to understand the rules Here.

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS)

(CHEERING) But... Uh-oh. What's this? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

Stay!

Look, there's a Persian igloo that takes up the whole lot. My children are teaching your children to smoke at school. (CRACKING) What was that? I don't know. (LOUDER CRACKING) You know, I think it's my back. Really? You've never mentioned back pain before.

Yay! He's a good singer.

This is Lois, Peter's wife.

Whoa! ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh!

I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom,

But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry.

You'll never take me alive! - Aren't you gonna run? - I would, but I don't want my gym teacher to laugh at me. He's been following me around since junior high. Watch this. Watch this Jewish kid run.

If you were God, who would you strike down first?

Oh, Adam. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. Peter, I'm so happy for the both of them. Hey, I just realized I have a sister. (GASPING) (LAUGHING) Ha! Stand much?

I could do cocaine if I wanted to. Peter, you want some potatoes? Yeah, how you doing? I was just asking if you wanted... We got enough napkins? Yeah, we got enough napkins. That's enough. That's enough, right there. (SIGHS) What time is it? Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't...

You've got to look your best tonight You tubby little parasite 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it there are things you must do We'll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow

FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage. Oh, my God! Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? Is this an eyeglass lens? I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this. (SCOFFS) Gay marriage.

No! We'll build a better one. I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your lightsaber battle.

We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire. I pull back the sheet, and who is it? Not the kid, but, like, the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor.

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked!

Eh, a few of the fellows at work talked me into it, said it was something I might need.

(ROARING) I used to be a lion tamer.

Hey, hey, that's more like it! Where'd you get the threads? We went to Barney's. I heard that's where all the famous people shop for skinny-leg jeans. Whoa! These are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on! Brian, Frank, meet Dakota and New Bedford.

I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes. These bluebeards still treat me like scum just 'cause I'm not loaded. I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room. Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you!

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Mike and Molly. Have you decided what you'd like to order? Yes, the chopped salad? I'll have everything except that. (CANNED LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) That waiter's like, "What?" Well, you did it, Peter. You got TV back to normal. Yeah, guys, I'm sorry for screwing up all your favorite shows. Oh, that's okay, Peter.

I knew I should've brought Peter instead of you. Oh, come on, you would've done much worse with him. He's got a terrible tell.

Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

Ugh. This is miserable. Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight. What was her problem?

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra. My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!

Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air. Naked plastic chicks.

Keanu Reeves, wow! You know, I don't usually gush. So, You'll have to forgive me. But when I was writing Coast Guard...

Really? Giggity.

Take a look at what we got, Peter. One day, three ducks were crossing the road Going to get some soda But they weren't looking where they were going And a bus came along and hit them all Now they're handicapped and...

You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him!

(COUGHS) Sinner. (COUGHS) Harlot. (COUGHS) Skank. (COUGHS) I'm actually sick. You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin. But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for... Leave this house of God!

I mean, what are we supposed to do?

You're an old man. You don't understand the young people. You're right. I'll change from now on.

Little fella's sound asleep. But I'll give him that kiss for you. You suck! See you in 3 days. Let's go. Oh, Crap. We gotta disappear. And quick! Maybe we should've jumped on that truck. Stewie and Brian are taking a train home.

Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie?

I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive? I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you. Let's start by going down Main Street.

Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg. Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it. They finally got that son of a bitch, Briggs. You know that guy? You're damn right, I do. Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Oh, come on, it was only 600. My God, that's more than I spent to go see that prize fight in Vegas. I thought you said we was going to see Hairspray. Bitch, I thought I said just shut up and be looking fine. What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts?

Our top story tonight, the rules of death no longer apply. That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself!

Hello, I'm Stewie... I'm Karina. Can we get some quiet on the set? I'm trying to rehearse! MAN: Quiet on the set! Don't mind Randall. He's getting into character. Is he playing a dick?

Well, Charmese, I have something to tell you, and this isn't easy. But I'm gay.

Meg, you're here early. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work. Well, thanks. What's with the getup? Nothing. I just wanted to look sexy for Susie. How are your eggs, Joe? If he doesn't say anything about me calling him "Joe,"

I, too, have an uncle. Come in. How much is this volcano insurance?

Yeah, but I got you good, Lois. Admit it. Just say it, I got you. (LAUGHING) Oh, all right, you got me. (BOTH LAUGHING) I told you. Oh, my God. Oh, no, what happened here? We got into a little accident. It's all right. Oh, no.

I suppose I can give you the chance to earn my trust again. That sounds like a lot of work. Go to hell! Carter, what are we here for? What are we here for?

Yeah. What are you still doing here? I wait for rain to stop. It's time for you to go home. Is too much rain. I stay. But it's gonna rain all night. I sleep here. I don't know about that. I sleep here. Can I get some covers over here?

He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But.... But I.... You....

Enough of this. Vader, release him. As you wish. (GASPING) All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole? Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow, if price is no object. Uh... We'll get estimates. (LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY) Get estimates, yeah, yeah.

Brian comes in and he changes the song Looking at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong Hey, Brian Why are you bringing me down, man? Why are you bringing me down?

What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. Ok. Mrs. Griffin? Well, As a piano teacher, I know how difficult the education process can be.

Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back.

The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog. How dare you? How dare you? How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing. Boy, wouldn't it be great if life were like this?

Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever. P.P.S. You know what? it might be a little chilly in London. I--I'm actually going to take the sweater. Oh, my God! One of these planes must be going to London.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Your brother's ok. That was just a little white lie me and Chris came up with to save a T.V. show. So he's not going to die? No.

Look, we all saw that blackmail note. Mayor West is the only one with a motive. I don't even know why we're discussing it. Well, was Mayor West the only one with a motive? I mean, there are people who would benefit if he were put away for murder. Political rivals, special interests. I mean, it's possible he could have been framed. (ARGUING) Enough!

Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured.

I'm glad you're interested in joining the National Gun Association, Peter. Let me show you around. This is our shooting range.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Well, she sounds lovely. But I still wouldn't put my face down there. Griffin, did you finish those reports I gave you?

Yeah, did not think that one through. Peter, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people...

Wow! Where do you think you go when you die? I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living, and they pray for death, but death won't come. U.P.N.?

Good luck!

Mmm. That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there.

Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

JEROME: It ain't bank property no more.

She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off. Hi, Stewie. Hi, um, Ah... Ugh.

My God, Lauren! What am I gonna do?

Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... I'm telling you how it's done. They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen.

Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

This is our house? Oh, Come on, Meg! I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap. Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch.

Oh, hardy har har. Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast! Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE.

(LAUGHING) Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class,

Well, if we get there by 5:30, I'm sure they'll honor it.

All right! All right!

Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this, Watch this. Hey? Uh? Look, see that? see that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Ok? Ok? Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.

All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what?

We interrupt with this breaking news. After years of isolation,

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois.

Yeah? Maybe I want to have sex with a fat guy right now.

There it is. 56 Meadow Lane. "Brookfield Insane Asylum"? (GASPING) Oh, my God! Mom's brother's crazy. Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup. Oh, wait a minute. It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Hey, wait. Wait, guys! Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

(LAUGHING) Well, then my hands are pretty much tied.

Morning, Opie. Hey, what's going on? You going somewhere? (BABBLING) You got fired? Why? (BABBLING) Oh, well, it's no wonder they finally caught you doing that in here.

The quahog Cable Television Transmitter. Oh-oh. You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time. Uh, uh, uh, She did it.

Trade house keys, bang each other's wives? Yep.

Stewie, what are you doing here?

I don't wanna get AIDS.

I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner. I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it. This is too freaky. Why didn't that thing take us home?

I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! Goodness, he's wet everything. Ha! Ha! ha!

Pull! Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson? Uh, Which Janet Jackson? Velvet Rope. Yeah, That one. Pull! Peter, What the hell are you doing with that thing? You wanna touch it? Go on. You gotta be careful though.

Brian, don't let him get to you. Peter, come out of that thing! He can't hear you, Lois. Besides, it's--it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father. I'm sorry. I talked to him. But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though.

(SNICKERS) What are you doing? I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay.

Peter, you're all right! I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life. Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

Money, money, money

It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. Lois, your family owned my family! Daddy, is that true? Well, it appears so. Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! Yes, it is! And don't call me boy!

Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he's not coming. Oh! Come on now. There, feel better after I just said that? - Now give me one little touch. - No! I hate this! I... I... I hate my life!

Carter, somehow you and me are gonna find a way to get rich. Now you're talking my language. All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say. Jefferson High is our rival.

Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

"Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972. Exemplary. Rock and roll. How in the hell are we gonna get out of here? Are you going to finish your red paste? No. What about your sweet crusty thing? No, you can have it. No more balloon for you.

(GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life!

(FARTS) All right, we're gonna do it once more.

See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland. Let me out of here! I need to get out of here.

Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up? Now, get lost. We'll take it from here.

Jeez-Its, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good." But don't take my word for it. Think of me when you eat this. I'm delicious. That was Jesus who just said that. You know what? You can keep your Paris, France. I'll take Quahog any day. I mean, all that place is, is skinny guys rubbing up against you in buses and subways,

We should've known this weather was coming. There's been three days of thunder. Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets. What are we gonna do? We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house! All right, does anyone have a cell phone?

It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H." Sounds right to me. Nothing ever bothers you, does it? No, not really. I like everything. God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.

Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter.

- Here's to Peter getting his fingers back. - Thanks, Joe.

(GRUNTS IN PAIN) Paper cut! A razor blade? Who the hell uses a razor blade as a bookmark? All right, very funny, Stewie.

Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed,

(SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you? They're your kids! I know, and I love them. But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom? (MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)

Question number 2. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? I--I don't know. Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered? Hey, Guido, watch this. Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.

Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

Look at that. Space bums. Let's be thankful for what we have, everyone. Be thankful for what we have. (THUD) Oh, my God, I hit a space bum! Chewie, go, go, go, go!

Well, listen to this! Come on, Lois. Stop being such a stick in the mud. Look, I'm giving these saps hope. And I'm getting the house painted for free. Huh? It's win-freakin'-win, baby.

Did I get it? Was she sorting out her pills for the week in that little plastic thing with the seven boxes? Actually, she just got back from the gym and she's jumping in the shower. She got a chair in that shower? Shut up! Have archaeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina? You know what? That one was too wordy.

I am having a really great time. Me, too. I really value our friendship. You're not like those other Snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Everyone, we need to discuss our problem with Chris.

You think you're tough? Well, let's see what you got!

Wow! I had heard about the Holocaust, but I never believed it till right now. I have to ride that ride. Peter, come on, they're not going to let you ride that ride either. You're overweight. I'm not overweight. I'm under tall. Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives.

Yeah, it's nothing. I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear. Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles.

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.

(KID SCREAMING) Future old people are wizards.

(SIGHS) It's okay, Brian. It's not the first accident we've had in this house. Okay. One, two... Hang on, hang on, Brian. Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed. Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up?

Not so fast. You are hurting me. (CROWD CHEERING)

I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there. (SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

Go, go, go! (SCREAMS) The scientist also threw in wolverine teeth for free. Why did I say yes? They aren't even mentioned in the song! Look, Stewie, I'm hanging the ornament you made at preschool. Just hang it up. Why do you have to narrate everything you do?

- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off! Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on.

So, what was it like on the other side? Well, I met Jesus up there. Wow, what's he like? Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese. Really? Yup, Jesus is Chinese. In fact, his last name is Hong. Jesus Hong. Says he has no idea where people are getting Christ.

Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday. Who did that? QUAGMIRE: Giggity.

- Apology accepted. - Good. Now why don't you patch things up with Mr. Griffin by showing him your LEGOs, hmm? You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird. Take care, you two.

What did I say?

What is this stuff?

But you should have some before the other kids get to it. What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss.

All right. Let's try this again. (WHIRRING) (ALL MURMURING) It's them! I did it! The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions.

Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian.

Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic. Uh, yeah, sure, you know me. (GUN FIRES) (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, the President's been shot.

I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of steam! Peter, we got these in a box of FrankenBerry. A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal!

Oh, Chris, my baby! Hi, Mom and Dad. Everybody, this is my wife, Loka. We're married. Well, maybe here, but not in America, where God pays attention. Now, get your things together. We're leaving right now. Mom, I'm not going anywhere. I'm happy here.

Peter Griffin and Glen Ouagmire were seen bolting out... ...of the supposedly haunted house after just one half-hour... ...Ieaving only their pride and twin trails of urine behind them.

Peter. Um, Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad. Your father? He must be a man of at least 70. Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom. Peter! All finished. What's next? Aw, dad.

I've looked everywhere and I can't find him. - I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out. - (KNOCKING) Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.

Well, It just makes me sad. Hey, It makes me sad, too. But, uh, you know. I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all. I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I guess it's-- it's up to us, as parents,

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic. (WHIRRING)

Oh, wait. I can do this part. So, yeah. Thanks. I feel a lot better now.

Give me another one, Horace. All right, but slow down, Peter. Or else I'm gonna have to get that lady boss of yours to come in here and give you a good shoe to the gift bag. You know, keep you in line. (ALL LAUGHING) I'm just kidding you, Peter. You'll find yourself a new job.

(ROARING) I... I don't know Shakespeare very well. Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid?

Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel! How's it coming, dog? God! Just listen to this kid's report on Great Expectations.

Okay. One, two... Hang on, hang on, Brian. Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed. Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING)

Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn. Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No. Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off. Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something!

Wait a second, Brian. You're right. And the best way to do that is to show what a terrible father Cleveland is. This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

Great practice, Lois. We are totally ready for that talent show. Oh, my God, Peter, I am so wasted.

Wait. So, Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't? Right. Great. Put your wig on.

But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise!

Meg, honey, are you ok? Yeah, I think so.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm not perfect. The only difference is I have the courage to admit it. Does anyone else have the courage? If so, why don't you just come on up here and join me?

Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp! So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out...

(Lois) Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you!

You're not fat, Chris. You just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie. Honey, if you wanna lose weight,

Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over?

All right, I'll pull some strings on one condition. I want Peter to do something really humiliating. Well, what did you have in mind? He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement. Do you know why I stopped you?

All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time. Mom, check it out! I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired. Oh, shut up, you bastard! Chris, we should have a talk about Meg. She's really upset that she got fired.

You don't look Asian.

Young lady, I don't talk to the press under any circumstances. What makes you think I'll talk now? This! You just don't give up, do you? You seize life by the throat and shake it like a topless bartender mixing a martini! You've got your interview.

(UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean. Oh, boy, we got a problem here. All right, on the count of three.

Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

I don't have any change.

For my science homework, I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man. You mean diorama? Uh-oh.

I love you. I love you, too, Glenn. - Glenn? - Sorry, sorry. Damn thing can't tell the difference. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone.

And he was twice the fisherman you are. And half the weight! tss. Hey! No! No! Hot! He's right, Peter. It'd be suicide to go after that fish. There's gotta be another way. We could have a bake sale. Oh, Now, see? I think that's a neat idea. No! I am not gonna let my family live on the street.

Wow! It went right there.

Sure. I was just going for a ride. Hop on. So, I found out I have a black ancestor. Is that right? Well, that's fantastic, Peter.

"I'm sorry, Byron, missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Go ahead, Professor Watkins, fail me if you want. Give me an "F" on the exam. I don't care because I got an "A" today, as a dad. Maybe this is news to you, but love isn't some element on your periodic table. So, you know what?

Come on, Brian, you know this We're all rich And we're all at least in our late 50s Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this

But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it! The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.

Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING) Oh, hi, Peter. (LAUGHING) Ram her. What? I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out.

You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.

(ALL GASPING) I respect Brian's courage. It's not easy to stand alone, or find the child who stands alone, but that's the one you want. I'd like to change my vote. Me, too. I wanna change mine back then. Me, too.

Between you and me, I think Joe's got a little free time these days. I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months. Peter, you just whispered that to me. Shh. Here he is.

G.I. Jose

I can't leave that behind. Meg, you're a good swimmer. Go get it. What? But Dad... And for God's sake, do not be afraid to make me a sandwich while you're in there.

Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence. - You need anything from the market? - PowerBar! What's wrong, Brian? You've just been sitting on the couch ever since you got back from the hospital. You need to get out of the house. I don't know, Lois. I'm a little depressed.

- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard!

l'm Dan Rather. All right, come on, ladies. Right this way.

The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?

Like the Secret Service did on November 23, 1963. All right, guys, I know that yesterday was a rough one for us. But it's with great pride that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one.

It was 1944. I was a young Air Force pilot assigned as part of an escort for a bombing raid over southern Germany, when we encountered the Luftwaffe. At first we thought we were in the clear because the Germans were frightened by the scary shark face on the front of our plane.

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity. (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two

Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

(SIGHING) Almost home. Oh, my God! (DOG YELPS) Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Oh, thank God!

You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in. Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it.

I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. Sure! What did you learn? This is great.

What the hell is this, BRIAN?

Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck. Hey, Meg, I need to see the Mayor about this $400 parking ticket. Brian, you can't just barge in here. You have to make an appointment.

All right, enough clowning around.

Hey, Mom, where the hell's dinner? I'm starving. Oh, man, can you imagine the disaster she's gonna walk out here with? She has no idea how hard it is to cook. Yeah, yeah, I bet she comes out with just like... Just like a poop on a plate, right? Poop on a plate would be good, because at least there'd be traces of my food still in there. Oh, snap! Snap! Snap!

I say the media has totally blown this whole thing out of proportion. Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack. Big boom. No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins. No, no, no, no, no. You boom! Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom.

You must be exhausted.

Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that. Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter? Did we not have money for the Petercopter? Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron?

Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change. Oh, Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined. Yeah. hey, Where's Stewie? He's upstairs, resting up for his big day.

it may just mean we'll have our killer. All right, from this moment forward, nobody leaves the group. Joe's right. Everyone huddle up.

Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not.

Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!

Dad, don't you have to work today? It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of. Hello? Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow.

Ow! They should really use monkeys for this. And little Stewie here is our President of Poopie. So where is the President now? Oh, He's out on a goodwill mission to America.

Um... I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Oh, God. I, uh, I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me, while I touched myself. Oh, come on. Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.

- What the hell? - Ok. Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.

Thinking about your sideburns? Yeah. No, no, no, no. You're not a complete jackass, yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "Phresh", and it's spelled with a "P-H". Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear on your pants, there. Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy.

Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Oh, What the hell.

- Slut Convention? - Yeah.

Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Boy, I really appreciate you guys helpin' me out on this. Peter, we're your friends. We're always there for you in your time of need. Especially when you provide the free beer. Uh... Hey, Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never".

No, you are not. Dad, now that you're gay, I don't have to have sex with you, do I? Not unless you want to. (HUMMING TWILIGHT ZONE) (OVEN DINGS) Oh! My muffins are ready!

All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian. I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right?

Well, maybe you should talk to her. Peter, believe me. If she'd take me back, I'd go in a second. But she won't. So as much as I love her, moot point. Moving on. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, gotta go and drain the eel. It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

With that type of money, I could buy pots and pans at Williams-Sonoma. This is a very nice set. You must be a phone whore. You bet your sweet ass I am. (PHONES RINGING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, that's why they call it that.

It ain't easy being green, huh? (CHUCKLES) That's from a song. Is that all? Yeah. Is there an age restriction for the sleight-of-hand magic show this afternoon? Twelve. Oh... Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in.

I'm just making a comment. Need to know summat. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot? This is not fair. Okay. And again, I'm gonna ask one more question, and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis? Yes. Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it?

Well, all right. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, serious problem.

Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court!

Go! Oh! Oh! aah!

Oh, wait, hold on a second. I want to try something. I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget

So, get out there and do it, huh? That gold medal is mine, pretty boy. You don't have a chance in Hell. He may be right, Peter. Joe, he's an android. Don't let him push you around. You can do this. I know you can. Yeah. Yeah!

Oh, God. Yes, I love that. Stewie! This is insanity!

Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better. Number three, number four. Number three. Five and six.

And, uh, neither will that guy. Ok. I'm thinking of a movie. Is it an action movie? No. Is it a musical? No. Is it a good movie? It has its moments. - Cool Runnings. - Right!

Oh, man, I thought maybe you could stick around... and, you know, maybe you and me could be pals. You mean just hang around like regular people. Regular people, sure, yeah. That does sound appealing. You know what? I'm gonna check back into my hotel. Oh, screw that. You'll stay with me right here. Come on, we'll have a campout in the yard. Wicked cool.

You're anticipating. Don't do that. Carl, you can take your fist out of your own mouth. Bruce, great work. Bruce seems like the only gamer here. Thanks, it's okay to look the other way when y'all pass me on the street with y'all's wives. I understand. And that places the witness right here, next to the lubricating station and the terrible-smelling guest book. Would she be face up?

I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! Goodness, he's wet everything.

Brian, I am very disappointed in you! I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend. Ugh! Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor? She's fine. Sea Breeze will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for another 9 weeks. She's pregnant.

- Why not? - Did not... Couldn't get into it. Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it? - It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent!

I'm gonna try. Come here, you.

Upstairs, to the left.

You're obviously not the person I thought you were! I never want to see you again! I can't believe I thought you were special! Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do? Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him. We had sex. We had sex! We had what Joe calls sex.

Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up!

(SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God.

But anyone who could take The King and I and turn it into that is... well, he's gotta be creative. Hmm. Yeah, Lois, uh, sorry I took your show away from you, but I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure you get your chance next year. It'll be "Peter Griffin presents "a Lois Griffin production."

It's not a movie at all, Brian. Just three episodes, back to back.

Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life.

Gee, Lois. Can you--Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s? Oh, That was lame. Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. I think he's really upset. Gather around, everybody. $10 is all it takes! Step right up and fight my wife!

What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream. What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie?

And sometimes, I put my speakers facing out my window

Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

(PLAYING TUBA) Well? We're waiting.

Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first.

I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

Oh, well, this is nothing, just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that? SULU: Hello. Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING)

What? It... I don't... Wait. How do I... JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be way too complicated for you. How come there are two toilets? The other one's for blood. (WHIMPERING) Cleveland's old house. Perfect!

if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than last year when we all went to Sea World. And how long has this been going on?

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd, is she gonna make good on that promise? A broken promise is a lot like a child's pinwheel.

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

(ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell? (AIR HISSING) Looks like it's the radiator. Wow! Brian identifies another problem without a solution. Let's see if I can walk home before he shuts up. Geez, Chris, what's your problem?

irrational and emotionally fragile by nature, female coworkers are a peculiar animal. They are very insecure about their appearance. Be sure to tell them how good they look every day, even if they're homely and unkempt. You're doing a great job, Muriel, and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren.

He's got a terrible tell. (GASPING) (FANFARE PLAYING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Any cards, Peter? No, I'm good.

Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven.

- Hello. - That's not funny!

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Whoo! All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her.

Oh, it's my pleasure. In fact, I got a wedding surprise for you. All right, back it up, guys. I know you got a foot fetish so I got you this Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, thanks, Peter. But Joan is all the foot I need now. What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue... No, no. I'm okay.

Oh, God. This seems like the kind of thing Peter... Too late, Brian. Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo? That's stupid. You don't know anything about horses and you're in terrible shape. You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?"

You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough! My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here.

Now, y'all get back up inside me, little mouth. I wants to play, too. Get back inside! I'll get you when we's eating them.

I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there. TOM: This major breaking news just in. Nine Southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States. The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid.

I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door. oh, Peter. Just because Steven makes more money

(HISSES) (SIGHS) Get out! (SQUAWKING)

Stick your finger down your throat, and throw up till you're skinny. Chris, Don't listen to your sister. Sticking your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up. Peter, you ok?

Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight.

(MEEPING) Well, if you must know, it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please. We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth.

This is awful! What's happened to him? I don't know, dear. He sleeps 18 hours a day, he refuses to bathe, and he's stopped making any sense.

Oh, look out, everyone. Double-digit IQ joining the table.

That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake."

Oh, no, no, No. I couldn't. But What about Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down with the swirl. Oh, there you are, Lois. Shall I give you the grand tour and show you my, ahem, private quarters? I'd love to. I must say, you look absolutely...

(WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING) Hey, what the hell's goin' on? I told you to rough up that dog and baby.

And I'll never be happy unless I can do it again. Then that's the only answer. Somehow we've gotta get Quagmire his job back. Fellows, I think I have an idea. Okay, guys, let's go over the plan one more time.

I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell? Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ!

Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great! Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

well, That's a very long story. But we've grown attached to little Stewie. Plus, the law's on our side. Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE. Wait! Is that a real Prada bag?

That's very green of you, Peter.

It was $399. Yeah, but you own it. You can just watch that now. And besides, I got another way you can make money. So Raoul gave me a job at his pet store, but I still needed money. One day I was cleaning a bird cage,

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, Tom. How you doing? What do you want? James Woods fired me.

Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Relax, Han, I'll be careful... (SCREAMING) Cookie!

We will emerge as the dominant people! And it's all 'cause of you guys. You know what? You guys, with your marching, and your letters, and your phone calls... This--This is all thanks to you. You--You made this happen, you guys. You know... My God. Give yourselves a round of applause. Come on. You deserve it. You deserve it.

The von Trapp family escaped! Reverend Mother, I have sinned. What is this sin, my child? Oh, well. No harm done. I too have sinned, Mother. Oh, my God! That's Rolfe! What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on!

You my nerf herder. All right, Chewie, punch it. Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts. (FARTS) (AIR HISSING) (FARTS) (AIR HISSING)

One of those underrated actresses that was always talented and beautiful, and never quite popped, if you know the meaning. - Who, Elisabeth Shue? - Yeah. Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas. And still so hot. Like... I don't see art films.

Get out! Get out! Scat! This is more like it. Oh, my love... (NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING) Is the music okay? Actually, would you mind tuning it to 97.1?

Peter, America is the land of opportunity. There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy series, including That '70s Show, and... But let me ask you something. Don't you miss your home?

(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)

Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hello, I'm looking for Peter Griffin. I'm Peter Griffin. Mr. Griffin, my name is Todd Meyers. I'm the man you rescued from McBurgertown. Oh, yeah, you're the guy who cost me my mustache. What, did you come over here to rape my daughter?

Chris. Chris, honey, can I talk to you?

I guess none of us are perfect. Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J. You see, none of us are perfect. (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Hey, you guys want to enter the darts tournament? First prize is free drinks all night. Well, we'd love to, Horace, but there's only three of us. JEROME: Did I hear some sorry-ass fools in need of a mother-loving fourth?

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Stop it! And another reminder. When you arrive to mass, please do not park behind the rectory. As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land." (ALL LAUGHING) (LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Look out, Gallagher! PETER: Stop kissing ass.

Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.

This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them.

"As the months of solitude passed, I began to go insane. "It seemed my prison cell was getting smaller and smaller. "I was quite sure that soon I would be dead.

MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba!

And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this.

Really? Would you care to place a wager on that? Absolutely. What are the stakes? Okay, if I win, and you can't do it,

Back to work, all of you! What's going on here? Uh, Dad, some of the guys think that since you took over, work is no fun. Work's not supposed to be fun. Why not? Why not? Why not?

Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are here to take what's ours. Well, I mean, technically it's yours, but we don't feel like you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it anyway.

Look, Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet. Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started. Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell. And now you're gonna pay for it. So get ready, fuckers. (SNIFFING) Oh! That kung pao chicken smells good. You smell that, Brian?

And Ramona Quimby are My life is sweeter With my new friend Peter You're a lotus eater Now that you're a superstar It used to be

and you kick that fish's ass! God, I love him! I can't believe how terrible the fishing was. Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches. Well, thank God we came prepared. We brought enough food to last us...

Peter Frampton! Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE? All right. If you want to live, come with me and bring your guitar, and bring that thing you use to makes it go wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wAh

Hi, Brian. Wow! Hi. That's beautiful. What was that? It's Mozart's Violin Concerto Number One in B-Flat. "Plato's Symposium." This yours? Oh, yeah. It's pretty worn out. Yeah. I've read it, like, 100 times.

Hey, if anyone appreciates a good yoke, it's the "Yews." (LAUGHING) That's my Jewish laugh. I'm working on a Jewish laugh. Peter, I'm so embarrassed right now. Can we please just go? Hi, you're pretty.

Hit it! Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather...

I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about.

Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money? You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00.

Operation!

You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Okay, I get it. A bowl that starts in the kitchen at the beginning of a meal and ends up in the living room. Shut up. And then forgets four seconds later that he ate it. Shut up! Harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. (EXCLAIMS)

Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet, and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain-dead, it'll come rushing out to change the channel. And when he does, I'll grab his hand and yank him out of there. Peter, I don't think... Shh. It's starting. ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich. Boy, this stinks.

"Cookie."

I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it,

QUAGMIRE: I don't understand, Peter. You're there. Look, maybe you don't understand. This is like the trivia thing before the movie where they got, like, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that. QUAGMIRE: Tim Honks from The Money Pot? Yeah, that's right, yeah. So can you help me? QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, find a hot girl and touch her. I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue.

I'm not Derek Jeter. I like girls.

And meanwhile, you're spending half our money down at the General Store, and the other half at the Specific Store. Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds? Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.

Next, Peter Griffin and his dog, "Brain." We're off to a good start.

...my super-strength... ...or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails... ...we have a responsibility to use these powers properly... ...and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand? Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian,

What? The dark side. Turn to the... (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) To the... Long day. I will not fight you, Father. Then you will meet your destiny. Oh, my God! Are you okay? Oh, my God! I meant to hit you in the shoulder,

What sport did you play? Lacrosse. Which is also my brother's name. Look, I felt bad about what I did to Horace.

Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you. I love you, too. I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity.

(LAUGHING) Lando! Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard.

Hey, Brian. I just noticed you over here. Hi, I'm Jillian. Desiree. Charmed. Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned. Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away. Well, have fun. You two are a really cute couple.

"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!" Whoa!

Everything all right here? Fine, Officer. Just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there? What happened to your shirt? You know, just a pizza party at the office. Yeah? Where do you work? First Fidelity Insurance over on Wabossette Street. - My cousin, Arnie, works over there. - Arnie's your cousin, is he?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)

(WHISPERS) I can't help it. Do something. (GROANS) (GROANS) Oh, damn it. I meant hold it, not cut it off. You weren't specific. I've never done this before.

Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced. in other news, Betsy Lebeau, A candidate For School Board President announced today she's pulling out of the race. Lebeau's withdrawal now leaves housewife Lois Griffin running unopposed. Oh, My goodness! I win by default! Great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back.

Stewie, it's not working. Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting. Oh, God, should we ask somebody for help? Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out. Well, we can't stay here. We'll have to get Mort to England. It's the only place he'll be safe from the Nazis.

Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God! You're the best father ever!

Hey, Maybe Stewie could get on that show. Ugh. You must be 'shrooming. Yeah! We can get a free trip to L.A. and see Brian. Jeez, I haven't been to California since I lived with my other family.

Surprise! Oh.

And decades later, things have changed indeed We lost the values, but we kept the weed You've got a lot to see The Reagan years have laid the frame For movie stars to play the White House game We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING)

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson! Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie? Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie. Guess I've got milk. Heh, heh, heh.

And I'm ready to take a chance again With you

(SCREAMING)

"You want to get an abortion with the abortionist having a stump hand?" And she says, "An abortion here? "Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. "How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand. "We can't get an abortion here." So we turned around and went home and two-and-a-half months later, our daughter, Meg, was born.

Not like when I met that bitch Shelley Duvall. Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall. Very nice to meet you. Big fucking deal. Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her.

Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag!

"and let the husband horse slap a batch into her now and then." Well, I guess that's it.

Everybody's good at something.

A bunch of frauds and charlatans. You want to be a puppet? Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on. Spread your tiny wings and fly away! (MUFFLED SINGING) Come on, Anne, sing along. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch.

Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here? Yes. Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier.

Look, Lois, you did what you did, and there's nothing you can change about that. But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you let them. If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay?

- You write your own lyrics? - Yeah. So do I. Oh, you wrote a song? Look at you. You're a regular little Tim McGraw. (LAUGHING) I'm a little better than Tim McGraw. Hey, these are pretty good, Stewie. Really? Do you think you could sing them? Only if you sing with me.

I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?

Look, Neil, I don't... Oh, my God! Dad? Dad! The reason I'm not responding is because I'm not this "Dad" person. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin.

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie! All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better.

Oh, I always loved this little sailor suit. Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater. Or you can make yourself useful and wipe my button. Circular motion, one finger. And don't you look at me!

Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you. How come you never told us you dropped out of college? I saw an after-school special about that. It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol. But then again, nothing did.

"Kebert Xela."

Hey, where is Brian, anyway? (FRANTIC BARKING)

Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.

Hey, I'm Doug. Nice to meet you. Whoa, have you lost weight? No, it's still there. I'm just parting it on the side.

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it.

So, you know, believe me, I hear loud and clear where you're... Wait a second! No, I won't talk to her! And I want you to stay the hell away from her! Peter, it's me, Quagmire. This is what I do. Besides, Meg is 18 now, and you've gotta let go. You've done your job. It's my turn now. Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this.

Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No. No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh!

I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive. Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas. And Christmas is about gettin'! Everyone in town knows that! Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Giggity!

So, I can just put my stuff anywhere? My wife, Denise. We met in a Christian chat room.

You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

Okay, relax, Brian, there's no way they'd replace you. But it probably couldn't hurt to remind them how much they value you as a family member. Hey, buddy. Hey. I just wanted to check in with you.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter. Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? Have the towel boy bring you another. Oh, I don't want to bother him.

DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap. Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight?

'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka.

Drop the chest to the bottom of the ocean with some of the jewels hanging out. Draw a rudimentary map, put the map in a bottle, put the bottle in the sea. And what do you do when you need the money? Hope the bottle washes up wherever I happen to be. And how about you, every Persian guy in the world? ALL: White BMW. There you go, Lois. That's the answer right there.

And that's pretty much all there is to it. Yeah, It's hard, jagged, and tastes like alcohol. Just like kissing Faye Dunaway. Easy now.

I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell! But I do it every day. Sometimes twice. Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again!

I awoke several hours later in a daze.

That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here?

Oh, my God! My dog is dead! Maybe that's why he was tied up.

You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy... I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared. Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape... while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most.

Excuse me, there's something on the wall. Now you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas and Fiji water! Stewie, there's no need to... Ooh! I said no gray M&M's. These are all gray. Don't worry, Brian. I've got it all under control.

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) (SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!

- Ooh, ooh, is that the mail? - Yeah. Is there anything in there for me? I want to see if there's a response to all those fan letters I've been writing. PETER: "Dear Cary Elwes, "I have been meaning to contact you for some time. "I have never been able to figure out if you are famous. "You were a big deal in one thing,

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Tuesday on Scarecrow and Mrs. King. My God, what did those drug dealers do to you? Oh, they took my chest out and threw it over there. Then they pulled my legs out and threw them over there. Brian, you're still watching TV? God, you've been sitting there since I left.

You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God.

It was just one of those crazy things that sort of happened after a few drinks. Morning, everyone! Morning, champ! You feeling loose, today? Peter, what are you doing? What is all this? I'm a fight promoter now. And I got you another fight. You're boxing tonight at the Quahog Civic Center. Are you out of your mind? No, Peter That was a one-time thing, all right?

Yes, Peter. You were so handsome, and it was such a wonderful week. Hey, buddy, I think that girl likes me. Of course she does. She's your wife. Do you like her? I don't know! (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

I'm sorry we missed your ball game. What? Here's an ice cream.

It's great. It's a donkey's vagina. (STAMMERS) How is that gonna... (BRAYING) (SCREAMING) Peter, stop him! No, this is good. This means I did a good job.

We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food.

Dude, you gotta introduce me to that black chick.

Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi. You're on it. Oh, wow. Glenn, you sure you want to do this? I already told you I forgive you. No, No, I feel like I got off too easy. All right. If you insist. You, uh, wanna ring the bell, Apollo?

Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye. (RETCHING) Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here.

That's a risk I'm willing to take. But think about your beautiful little girl. You can't watch her grow up from jail. You'll miss running after her as she learns to walk... (STAMMERING) I mean, riding bikes with her, as she... I mean, dancing at her wedding... Look, my point is, you know what you're doing is wrong, and you know how to make it right.

Items! Nice, huh? Ah? Yeah, You like this? Oh, my God. Stop it, Peter. You're embarrassin' me. Look, I know you're upset, but-- Oh, My God. Where's Stewie? He's around. Argh! Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon! Peter, that's sick!

Yeah. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE) Oh, that's Dick Van Dyke. Okay. Okay, I got one.

How are you? (GROANING) I've been better.

(ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (GRUNTS) (CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring.

Previously on Family Guy. Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car! You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number!

I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home.

All right, gentlemen. So, what do you got for my client? Well, we're making a mediocre action film, and we think James is just the guy to do a serviceable job in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum and Craig T. Nelson have already passed on. Well, we'd need to see a script first. Looks good. What do you think, James? I like it. Good. I say we move on this.

I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye. (RETCHING)

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

There's lots of things you May have missed. Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist. Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye. That awesome Thunder Cats cartoon. Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. Neil Armstrong? Wait, Was he the trumpet guy?

MAN: (IN MOVIE) Coming this fall, the prequel to Philadelphia. MAN #1: Are you sure we don't need a condom? MAN #2: No, it's okay, I'm a lawyer. (YAWNS) How you girls doing on popcorn? I'll take some.

We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!

You buy the condenser, and I'll make out with you. (EXCLAIMS) I'm gonna kiss you so hard, the picture's gonna change into something else. Look, this isn't Windex but it's just as good. It's the store brand.

Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

Looking good. Almost done. And there. Done. (WOMEN GASP) What have you done? I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here?

Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.

StoP! Ow!

"JK," indeed. Oh, God, I'm ruined! Nobody's ever gonna shop in my pharmacy again! I'm gonna lose everything! Oh, Gosh, Mort, I feel terrible about this. I wish there was some way we could fix it. You know, my cousin had the same problem, but he lucked out, 'cause his business burned to the ground. The insurance made him a very rich man.

A change only one man could make. (GUN COCKS) I am the Windmaker, and I shoot monkeys now.

I never saw that movie. Hey, You know one of them was papier-mache, right?

Now we've got what it takes to be very best friends BOTH: A friendship is the best thing ever MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better

Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em. You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some.

You can take me to the skies It's like being lost in heaven When I'm lost in your eyes Stewie, what the hell was that?

Freshman? Freshman! I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

Who's my big brave boy? Me. This sucks, Mom. Meg, stop moping. These are the best years of your life. Now, let's get up there and live a little, huh?

"Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity.

Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? (LAUGHING) Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father. Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad! (CRYING)

(ANGRY BIRDS MUSIC PLAYING) Go, go, go, go, go... Aw! He so should've died. This is bullcrap. Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing. Double fault! Come on, Brian.

(SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog! He's got my neck! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! My dog is dead!

I've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14. Ohh! It's okay, I'm just happy to be on TV.

All right, guys, keep an eye out for our stuff. I got tired of not being able to find my bags, so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it. This trip was impoceros! There we go.

Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! ooh, Turn it up! Mom and Dad are on! Hey, We're back with more K.I.S.S. Forum. Im here with the Griffins.

I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment.

It stops now, Meg!

I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems! Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property. And all of this while under the influence of alcohol. Your Honor, if you'll just let us explain...

MALE ANNOUNCER: What happens when a 40-year-old woman asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby?

- You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man!

and you blow it. We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf. B-by--By the 3rd season, I was completely wasted all the time. I--i--I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But, uh, would I do it all again?

Don't do that thing here. Huh, wonder if I can pull off one of those can-you-believe-what-I have-to-put-up-with looks to the camera.

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives. Ha! Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, see you later, Mom. Where are you off to, sweetie? You gonna go see three movies in a row so it seems like you're out doing something? No, Mom. I'm going to my first big high school Halloween party. That's nice. What are you dressed as? I'm a slutty cat.

I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food? Uh, No. That--That's why we're on the road. Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad!

Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused about who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes. I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien.

Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine. (SNIFFING) Is that smoke? (GASPING) Idea for a farce, cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive. (LAUGHING)

But, soft, Ron, my husband draws near Nicole, I'm back from filming the third Naked Gun movie

Hey, what's up, Quahog? From the station that reaches the beaches, you're listening to Dingo and the Baby. WOMAN: Dingo and the Baby. 97.1, Quahog. MAN: Oh, baby. (MAN BURPS) (FART) What the hell are you doing? What the hell does that have to do with anything?

- He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it.

The man in white. Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!

Now if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers.

And how long has this been going on? You know, Lois is right. I've been out of work too long. Well. I--I think you should find something you really enjoy doing. Take those guys out there, for example.

- Hey, wake me up in 15, will you, babe? - Fine. (KOKOMO PLAYING) STEWIE: Key Largo, Montego Baby, why don't we go down to Kokomo But not too fast 'Cause Stewie takes it slow

Is to blame Peter, did you have fun with Brian? No, Lois, he was a wet blanket. And I'm starting to think you might be right. Brian's getting old. He's not the dog he used to be, and I'll have to get used to it.

maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think?

You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here.

So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out...

CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean.

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip.

They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

I'm gonna be honored at the big ceremony on Martha's Vineyard.

Yeah, not overly long. Sorry, sir, there's a weight limit on this coaster. Oh, really, what's the limit? The rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, there's just no way.

hi, mOM.

That would be so fun. Yes, let's. Terrific! I can't wait! Hey, do you mind if I say goodbye to your brother? I'll tell him for you, dear. I'd like to tell him in person, if you don't mind. Fine. Stewie! (AS STEWIE) What? (AS KARINA) Julie would like to say goodbye to you. Well? Answer me! (AS STEWIE) I'm not talking to you!

There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub? Oh, this is not a bathtub. This is the SS Pewterschmidt Kicker. This is ridiculous.

Charles Dickens, Albert Einstein.

Okay, Chris, roll film. And action! Joe, get out of the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (SCREAMS) Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talking. (LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) God, I hate these things. Sweetie, can't you just have a good time?

Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks. I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four... MAN: Hundreds and hundreds of years old. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by...

STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here. What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) Ow!

People, people! I know what will make us feel better. Let us sing the NAAFP anthem. Stand up, all fat men Stand up straight Stand up because no chair Can hold your weight

My job sucks. I'm tired ofalways scrounging around on the bottom rung of society... getting kicked around by the Man. Like when I worked in that lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Agreed, Peter.

Sure. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid! Peter! Oh, I love this time of yeaR. Me, too. The summer tourists are gone. And We finally have the town to ourselves, before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole plaCe.

Oh, no. There's a policeman coming. (ALL GASP) All right, everybody, you know what to do.

Wait a minute. Where's Meg? I don't know. I didn't see her. Yeah, I kind of thought you guys would attend to that. Peter, you got to go back and get her. Oh, yeah, right. - Like I'm going back for Meg. - Peter! Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember?

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

(LAUGHS) Movie references.

No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort! Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation. I am very angry with you. Geez, what's your problem? What you did this morning was so far out of line, I just...

"and her butt looked like this." Everybody see this? Everybody see how shapeless this is? She walked out of there with a bag of soil on each shoulder. Now, before I show you this next one, has anyone here ever heard of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally?

Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING) (SNIFFS) (SIGHS)

You know, Brian, Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids. Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow.

Getting a little cloudy out here Looking like we might have some weather Then we go to E minor Oh, definitely got some weather Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first And then we go back to my house You sound like an unbelievable douche. Then Brian comes in

I'm not gonna cut my hair The sky's up in the sky And the rivers are the forests are the mountains are the sea And I am you But you are not me And the visions of our minds are in the valleys which are valleys

Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired?

LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?"

Well, thank God, everything's back to normal, eh? I'll say. And to think, Brian, I was, like, a day away from havin' sex with you. I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian. But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball?

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? Yes, yes. Follow me. Um, where are the toilets? Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.

I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already. Lois is on a date with Quagmire, and you've gotta stop her before something happens. What? Oh, my God! Where is she? She's next door at his house. And you better get there quick, because with Quagmire,

Not so great. The economy's sort of taking its toll. Lot of salary cuts. A lot of layoffs. Yeah? That's pretty much it. I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet. I don't know. Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work? What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah.

And a pack of Eldorados, unfiltered. What? Oh, That. Yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out. See that sign? Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble.

Just taking it all in. You're staring at my daughter's bedroom. She's really grown into her body. This is gonna be a fun summer for her.

Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister. Oh, my God, Lois. I never thought I'd see you again. These are my children. Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Attention, delegates. This session of the United Nations is hereby convened. Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium guy! Hey, I gotta problem here! Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn. No one's talking to you, Albania. Is there a problem back there? You bet your funny accent there's a problem. I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds.

Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned! Ah! There you go, kiddo. All clean. Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman! Take out your pencils and start your test. Um, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for this test,

Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi. What did you just call me? I--i--I thought that was your name. That is our word! You've got no right using it! Hey--hey--hey, I'm cool. I'm cool. No problem. Could--Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? Thank you.

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,

"Man, was last night weird! "I kissed a boy. But the truth is, I really like him as a friend. "His name is Sam."

Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.

Damn it. (GASPS)

I guess.... Yeah, give me a call. Okay, I'm hanging up... in three, two, one. Okay, call me back.

All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

And some spermicidal foam That's all I really want for Christmas this year

- That is awesome. - Peter.

Thanks, Tom. I'm fond of your hair, as well. I'm standing here with Tom Brady and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin.

Oh, my God! We were robbed! Is anything missing? No. I don't think sO. Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape?

I know. I feel the same way, but we made a decision to be abstinent. Of course, there are ways we can keep our pledge and still do other things. You're right. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Uh-huh. Oh, there it is. I see it. You know, Roy, I hope you play squash better than you pass.

Wait! Jillian, I'm in love with you. I want you... No, I need you with all my heart and soul. And my only regret is that I didn't realize it when we were together. Those were the happiest days of my life,

Why are--

Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that.

Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. Yeah, buddy. Great job stopping those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11.

(LIPS SMACKING) There we go, all moist. You see, dear? And that's only the beginning. Retirement will be a wonderful adventure, and we'll do it together. You're gonna retire? From what? There, isn't it fun already?

What? Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding. Your father is, uh... Oh, dear. How can I say this without upsetting you? Your dad is a pig!

Ah! Well, look at this. Look what happened. (CHUCKLES) Well, by the laws of comedy, you and I have to be roommates now. That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here we go. Now, I'm going to prescribe a course of antibiotics and some painkillers and... - Hey, Elmer. - Hey. She sucks.

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice.

and you're in a pillowcase. You're out of your mind. Brian's young. And I'm gonna prove it to you.

What? I threw that away. Yeah, it was weird. I just killed Obi-Wan, and then I look over and there are these two dudes scurrying across with a couch. It had a stain on it, from when we had Hawaiian Punch night. Yeah, that's my couch. Rebel scum.

All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie. The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on. All right? This is my show, and it's a serious, intellectual hour of discussion, and I want to keep it that way. Hey, no problem. All right. In three, two, one. This is The Lunch Hour with your host...

go make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine. Oh, really? But I was enjoying our talk. Oh, no, I... So was I, but, you know, I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you.

Ezekiel. Call off your boys and let's you and me finish this man-to-man. Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating. Dad, stop. Leave him alone. Father, what are you doing?

Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it!

No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man.

Hey, Wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president? You bet we did. Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy! Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts

Quick, Meg! Say something else! Well, okay. I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg. (ALL GASP) I don't believe it! Peter, you talked! Shut up, Meg.

Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

Before I post the cast list my choreographer and I wanna thank everyone for auditioning. You were all great. Weren't they?

(EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.

Look, I'll do what I can, but I don't know why you think I can get your money back. M-m-max, Max, Max, let's not deny our heritages. You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade.

Uh, give me the one free week of maid service.

We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company

Coming up next-- All right, Here's one. Let's jump that. Ooh! Yee...

And I had named him and given him a back-story. Chucky had the biggest hump of the camels in his village. And He was picked on for it. But then there was a terrible drought and Chucky went to the oasis at great risk, because he was like that. And He drank and drank, and stored enough water in his massive hump to slake the thirst of the entire--

(LAUGHING) (GROANS) Oh, Dad, I think this is Mr. Quagmire's driveway. Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees? Well, there's a lot of trees around here. How do we know we're in the right spot?

Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire.

Oh, my God! Well, well, I think we've found our killer. Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy.

Yeah, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder lately.

Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! You know? I mean, it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as, you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know? Just two good-looking guys sharing a cramped office, running the galaxy together, you know? Just getting the job done, you know? Maybe we...

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

Is okay, I take.

All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone! That's impossible.

causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.

Now, what was it you wanted to say? Uh, nothing. You were supposed to get potato chips, you jackass. Damn it, Helen. Get the hell off my back or so help me... So help me...

Well now Hold on A minute. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization! Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine? I think you are a special person. Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious.

And you will take off your clothes like voo and voom! And get ready for the most splendiferous pudding pop you have ever seen!

So? I've always been about world domination. What the hell did you think I was talking about when I said, "Victory shall be mine"?

I wanna study now.

Oh, stop, I'm... Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance, but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair. Thank you. (ALL SCREAMING)

What a mess.

Hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, he got it. He got it over there. The little guy got it. Who is that guy? I've never seen him around here before. How's it going, chief? Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die. (SCREAMS) (MEN GROANING)

Well, here we are, Lois. Your first professional photo shoot. Karin, this is so exciting. Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going? I'm.... I'm hitting that.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon. Stop right there! Get away from her! Peter? Who are you? How'd you get in here? Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty!

- Is jicama. - Jicama? And what is... What? What? This is a chicken leg. Are you also making soup? For quinceanera. Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

Holy smokes, this is a sure thing. Like the end of a Mexican wedding. (ALL CHEERING)

For mine, put Dirk Diggler.

and he used to sell bicycles. I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question? Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that? I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball!

Dear little buttercup Sweet little buttercup My little buttercup I love you

Look, I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate. She and Mayor West never would've made it. Oh, yeah? Well, nobody believed we'd make it, and look at us now. I drink, and you use sex as a weapon.

He's a family guy

(STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah. Oh, this looks like Spooner St.,

Not bad, eh? Damn it! That was Fox News. Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness and they won't have him slandered. Hi, I'm Peter. You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle. As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger. Why?

So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal.

Morning, Opie. Hey, what's going on? You going somewhere? (BABBLING) You got fired? Why? (BABBLING) Oh, well, it's no wonder they finally caught you doing that in here. I mean, the underside of your desk looks like Carlsbad Caverns.

You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)

Well, um, if it were you, you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it, 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid, and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback.

Cratchit, you're working through Christmas! But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

ahh! Ahh! Hey, what happened to your friends? My family scared them away. I just--I just wish there was some way I could make them understand how embarrassing they are. Welcome back to Diane! Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession. Erica, you know I love you.

Because New Brian is such a tool.

"Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me. "Their plans somehow relate "to the anniversary of my escape from the womb. "I'm still haunted by the memories "of how I was incarcerated "in that amniotic Attica. "As I recall, it was every potential man for himself.

I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes. LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah. LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah. LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth. Oh, my God, that's so disturbing.

But you'll see it's just as good. Yes. That's what we were promised about Jim Belushi some 25 laugh-free years ago. Wow, it's so lovely here, Glenn. Well, this is our three-week anniversary, Joan. I wanted this date to be special. You know, this place is unique because if you're lucky,

I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Peter, if you cried, we are done. Great job, Peter. Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars, and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion. So what happens next? Do those guys all get trials? Well, you know... (INDISTINCT) It's a long... It's the process, and whatever.

We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord? Nothing. Back to your turnips.

Brian, will you carry me upstairs? I want to look at my toys. - No. I'm watching television. - Come on, I'm sick. All right. Come here.

(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you. (LAUGHS) He's so bossy. I love it. Well, it was great seeing you, Glenn. (LAUGHING)

You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

I think I got a wave here! Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE. How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight! Don't worry, honey.

Oh, Peter. Lois. Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think.

the Revil Days and the Jue Blays. (KNOCKING) Hey, Peter, you got a minute? Oh, yeah, sure. Come on in, Quagmire. Listen, I need to ask you to do something, and it's something huge. I mean, it's, like, the biggest thing a guy could ever ask his friend to do. Hey, we're best pals, right? Whatever you need.

Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

I said, no one knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. Fellows, please keep it civil. I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave. Well, Throw down, if that's what you want. Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor. Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to? New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester. What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special?

I'm cold. Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw-- Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair?

Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie. And we have something very tasty for big fat you. Bon appetit.

A neat thing I just said. And now sports. Oh, Chris, we are so proud of you. I got to admit, Chris, this is pretty exciting. When did you become so coherent? Mom, I wrote that! He stole it, and he's taking all the credit! Chris, is that true? You didn't write anything! This is my essay!

I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay! Aw, I mean, sorry, honey. God, I hate high school. I don't fit in with anyone. Boy. Do I know that feeling.

I need a real man. And Lord knows that ain't you. Well, I admit after a long day at work I don't always come home with that "Riunite on ice, that's nice" mentality. And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me?

'cause right now I wish I was dead. If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here. Kevin, I don't want to lose you again.

"No, it's okay, he won't mind." Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans?

Yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore. Okay, fine, Meg! I used the body to get me into R-rated movies. After that, I took him swimming and he fell apart. Chris, Mr. Dougan's wake is tomorrow, and there's going to be a body in that casket. If it's not his, it's going to be yours.

Ok.

The best thing I've ever done with my life is being a dad. Oh, Peter. I think it's a wonderful idea. Why haven't you sent for help?

I need some gravitational help. Oh, no! Her clothes are constricting. As are mine! (BOTH GRUNTING) (PANTING) Oh, my God!

Come on, Woody. We're gonna search for food.

PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park,

Are you kidding? It's refreshing and filling. You know, next time I'd put paprika in the potato salad, and maybe add an extra tomato to thin out the gazpacho, because it's very thick. Who the hell is this bitch? Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this.

Although I never did get the cat callin' right. Yo, baby. I want a piece of that. You suck!

(KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses. So let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. Oh, God! This is horrible! I can't watch anymore!

Okay, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, all right? You're doing this thing, which is just, you know.... What the hell is that? And you look like ifl touched you, you'd be sticky... and frankly, you smell bad.

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now? (PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either.

and I just meant to hit him in the arm, and then the whole thing fell. Well, that's good, right? We want him hurt. Are you using your brain? We're lucky if we come out of this without a lawsuit. Ow!

Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps.

He's dead.

Rhode Island. That's not too far, is it? Nothing's too far away from Maxine, the cheating queen. Women. That's not fair. I'm just speaking out of hurt. That truck's coming up on us awful fasT.

It seems foolish to have all this money lying around. Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? (LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah!

Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be?

Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back.

I tried like hell to talk you out of it, but you jumped off a balcony. People keep coming back every hour because they think it's a regular show, like the volcano or the pirate ship thing. Wow. Well, I'm so glad you're alive. Yeah, same with you. - Well, we should probably head home. - Definitely.

Like that one we put on Hollywood Squares. I'll take the dying boy to block. Ok, Jeremy, is there anything lower than absolute zero? Uh, Yeah. My white-cell count.

I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy.

He says he's not coming back.

Very good, Jimmy. TryIng to watch the History Channel here.

Lois, did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? Oh. Oh, God.

Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile. I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one. Brian, what happened? I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, I'm the most hated person in town. I tried to rent a movie and they threw me out. I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out. But the most serious part of it is no bar would serve me a drink. I'm starting to get pretty desperate.

No way! Those guys have a TV in their car!

My dad doesn't care about me anymore. Oh, well, Well, hey, at least you have a dad. When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom. Aw, Looks like somebody's hungry. All right!

Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

(IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE) Slow-motion diving at you! (BOTH GRUNTING)

Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it. Sorry. It's okay. I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Yeah, actually, I do.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being on a frozen mountaintop! It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie,

Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong. Maybe you really don't care about this family. Peter, If you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading! The next time I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand? Who wants to sing show tunes? In old... Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now.

All those dreams are nightmares And blank icy stares Each little elf used to fill up a shelf

And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent.

- Are you whistling Snowbird? - Yeah. That's awesome. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do you get to ring it? Because I was into her first. Let's flip for it, or... (RINGS DOORBELL) I can't believe you did that. I cannot believe you just did that. (RINGS DOORBELL) Will you stop it? She's going to think we're weird. Hi. Can I help you? Hi. Miss Murray. My name's Brian Griffin.

Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight. Roll over. Roll over, I say! Smells like cheese.

I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going.

(SQUEALING)

Oh, no! Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe! She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone.

Look, sir, I really need to confess something to you. That assignment I turned in... You know, Brian, before you came along, I was so depressed, I was planning to kill myself. But you have inspired me. If you can learn, maybe one day I can walk.

Our first demand, you will erect a statue in the town square. It will depict Blair Warner admitting to Mrs. Garrett... ...that the poem she submitted for her creative-writing class... ...was actually plagiarized from a work by Emily Dickinson.

so I injected her with my DNA. You had sex? No, I put my DNA inside her. Right. You had sex. No, what are you not getting? I put a sample of my DNA in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase, the couch and the balcony. Well, whatever the case, thank God. Yeah, I know. Oh, hey, I brought you something from da Vinci's workshop.

I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here.

Unattractive women do it all the time. You look pretty today, Carol. Thanks. It's probably just the dress and the makeup. Now that I look closer, yeah, I think that's what it is, too. Hey, you made it! And you brought a friend. Great.

I'll have what he's having.

What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade.

But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical.

Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.

Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.

And, Mr. Tesla, we're going to use yours in the background of Frankenstein movies. I wanted that one. I am so sorry, you guys. This is all my fault.

What is there to discuss? It's obvious he did it. (ARGUING) Plus, I got to get back to the station.

Come on, Chris. You're doing great. Just keep going. You're almost there. Well, I'd better get a move on.

Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China, and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?"

Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out.

What does that spell? Dust Mites! Who's gonna win this game? Dust Mites! My God, what? What just happened to me? It's those sirens. They have us all completely under their spell like that hypnotist at the Airport Hilton.

Humina-humina-humina!

(CRYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) So, what do you think, Carter? You having a good time?

Great. I'll see you guys tonight. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

Oh, God! What am I going to do? Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here humping you! Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except...

in the middle of the Atlantic,

Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe!

residual smoke from the fire, you know? Well, I'd like to propose a toast. To Brian and Kate. I know we just met, but you seem like you're really good for our daughter. Really? That's so great to hear. (TAIL WAGGING) And risking your life for those kids? You're a good guy, Brian. A really good guy.

Ahh!

I'll do it.

(GROANING) Bitch.

Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh! Oh, uh, my--my-- My--My day was ok. Heh. You know, the usual. Ha.

MAN: Set, hut... Gosh, Meg, I really wish we could take our relationship to the next level. I know. I feel the same way, but we made a decision to be abstinent. Of course, there are ways we can keep our pledge and still do other things. You're right.

All right, listen up. Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right? Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up.

But you have to come down and give yourself up. If you drag this out any longer, you're only hurting your own cause. (SIGHS) She's right. I'm sorry, Mayor West. Well, you were only doing what you thought was right, Brian. And, hey, you've distracted everyone from the Dig 'Em statue, so I guess we don't need this bill anymore.

Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart.

- Cold in here? - Nope, just really small.

TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

Now, come on, this is all time we could be using to find Rupert's kidnappers. Look, I may as well come clean with you. Rupert wasn't kidnapped. I accidentally sold him at the yard sale. You son of a bitch! (WAILING)

Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now. You okay? Yeah, babe.

Oh, God. I know karate! Look! A tasty little baby! I see somebody's been neutered.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy JOYCE: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.

- Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope. That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week.

No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

We'll get Lois dowN. Locked and loaded, Sir. Wait. You can't shoot my mom! Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go!

Peter, how could you sell our house in quahog without even asking me?

I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible. Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way. You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby. That might occupy him and get his mind on other things. Hey, man, lay off the kid. I say, if it feels good, do it. Stewie, you don't do that yet.

"We'll take the box."

- ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no... (BRAYING)

We've tried everything to get through to these politicians. Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns. Excuse me. Do you have a dollar? I'm a little short. Maybe that's the problem. They're all idiots in Washington. Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to. Yeah. Yeah. Good thought.

Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags! This means war! Excuse us. We're having a small problem with home security. Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode?

Come here, puss. Come here. Come here, puss. Here, puss.

Mmm. Oh! Ugh! Mmm. Hey, hey, hey! Hey lois, What are your parents doing here? Oh, They surprised us with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery. Yes. Peter, we hear you're a Negro now. Yep. I even got my own posse. Hey, uh, Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades,

Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that. Oh, come on. I don't think Quagmire appreciated the condition you returned it in last time. Glenn, can I just... (REGULAR VOICE) No! You can't have it! Hey, guys. It's James' birthday tomorrow. Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah. And don't just put your name. Write something clever.

Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio. Chris? I'll tell you tomorrow. Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown. No problem, Meg. If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it.

It was a movie in the '70s. Ah, You damn kids with your music. Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black star of such films as Nashville and 5 Easy Pieces, was on board. Our Hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again that, given the opportunity,

But, Michael... I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you. See, look, Meg. He just walked out on you. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime.

Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home.

I should have known! Her treachery knows no limits! I...Oh, my.

But I propose an invasion. We've got to fight him over there by the swing set so we don't have to fight him here at the sandbox. Stewie? What's this? A letter of surrender. We did it. Whew! It's a good thing, too, because I really didn't have an exit strategy. Yay, Stewie! Oh, thank you, darling. I...

Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Well, that was a close call. You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Your daughter's a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody!

Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy There's Craig Hoffman. He's such a rebel.

Ready, boys? (CAT YOWLING) No need to thank us. It's what we do. Who the hell are you guys?

Good idea!

Well, hello there, Meg. Neil, I really can't be seen talking to you anymore. I have friends now, and some of them, very popular. I know. I heard Sarah is your lab partner. All those years of you rejecting me finally made sense. What do you mean?

All right, that's it. Jeremy must be destroyed. Mom? Dad? Mom? Is anyone there?

We're gonna get the video camera out and make our own show. I don't wanna! Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal!

Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see

Hey, hey. Probably. I don't want to die! There's so much I have left to do. Yeah. You and me both, man. You know, Chris, if by some miracle, we do manage to get out of here alive, I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment.

Uh... Didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here. This... This is Stephanie. Hi, everybody! Oh, my gosh! I never thought I'd meet Glenn's friends! Yeah. I figured, why not? You know, you, we, you and I see each other from time to time. Oh, my God! We, like, never see each other! This guy!

Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day.

(CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock.

Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999.

What's the charge, Officer? Driving without my phone number. Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful.

Hey, Stewie, I found this receipt for a speedboat rental upstairs in your room. It's dated about a year ago. Any idea how it got there? Someone who rented a speedboat must've left it there. Uh-huh. Well, you can play innocent all you want. I am gonna find the evidence to put you away,

Sometimes I forget. Anything else I should know about? Well, my science class is taking a field trip to the water purification center. And? And it costs $10 for lunch and the bus. Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird

Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am. (LAUGHING) Yes, Officer. - You are such a dirty cop. - Don't break those yolks, ma'am. Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you. I know. Now stick your finger in there and twist it.

sir, Are you aware you were going 50 in... I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir. Aw, Crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island. Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes!

Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian? I'm buying you another Rupert. Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball.

And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba.

Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh? Oh, all right. (BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.

But I think a real number might be more effective. All in favor of fining this evil tobacco giant $100 million, say "AyE"! Aye! But that'll bankrupt us! Oh, You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America? Thanks for that zinger, boys. Now, Give me a snappy line to go out on.

Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"... and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter. All right. All right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster." That's the spirit. - You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty. (VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor.

This is taking forever That's why Brian is yawning And Stewie's rubbing his eyes The montage is almost over That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT)

Will you call tomorrow and make some excuse that doesn't make me look bad? Ooh, I know. Tell him I'm a pathological liar and that I've been under a lot of stress because of the child rape charges I'm facing.

Morning, Opie. Hey, what's going on? You going somewhere? (BABBLING) You got fired? Why? (BABBLING) Oh, well, it's no wonder they finally caught you doing that in here. I mean, the underside of your desk looks like Carlsbad Caverns. (BABBLING)

Oh, my God. Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways. Thank you. (ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies. I think about you while having sex with my wife. I thank you with $1.

All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42. All right, who votes yes, 9/11?

(RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations. Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping?

Okay, everyone. This is my first time doing a seder, which is where we tell the story of the Jews' escape from bondage in Egypt. Doesn't it seem like every Jewish holiday has to do with them escaping from stuff? No, Chris.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, I hope you're sitting down. I got something to tell you. Oh, God, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Is it Chris?

Ahh! Whoa! Ugh! Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

A winner! Congratulations, son.

You're not going to get away this time, you son of a bitch. Please, don't kill me. I'm not married. My life is awesome.

Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know. Do you believe in your best judgment that you have been rehabilitated? Rehabilitated? It's just a stupid made-up word so boys like you can sit behind a desk,

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic. Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.

Hmm, You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart. Hey, Chris, give me the juice!

I'm a female. I have a high voice. I have reproductive organs inside of me. And I buy groceries.

Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about.

And when he does, I'll grab his hand and yank him out of there. Peter, I don't think... Shh. It's starting. ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich.

what kind of person would I be? A bitch. Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity.

(ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato?

What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

(STAMMERING) What is it? I can't sleep. I'm scared of ghosts. Carter, there's no such thing as ghosts. Are you sure? Well, now I'm not. Come on, get in here! It's safe under here, right? I think so, but I'm not sure. I just recently started believing in ghosts.

Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok. He-- Wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em! Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.

That's hilarious.

Damn it! I love Mexicans. I'll do it!

Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy. That's a good kitty. What the hell was that? Uh, Something near a window. Preferably a booth. Ugh!

Open your mouth, baby, here it comes.

No, no, that... That's not... That's not what I'm here for. Look, Lois, you did what you did, and there's nothing you can change about that. But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you let them. If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back,

Mr. Griffin, with all due respect, we live in two different worlds. I must do what is best for my son, and I have. Hey, how do we know what's gonna happen?

$49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE. Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. I--I mean, nickels and boobs. Money. I'll be upstairS. Peter, why are you so-- Get out! This is a part just for the men!

when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby.

Ah! It smells so good out here. You see, Peter? This is a much better way to spend a Sunday than what you dragged us to last week. Hey, if I'm starring in a production of Starlight Express, I want my whole family there.

No, Luke, don't run downhill! You're going to jail, punk!

like the one shown here. The bear's eyes can become easily detached and pose a potential choking hazard. Oh, my God, that's the same teddy bear Stewie has. We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this. Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club.

(SIGHS) QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire.

Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.

Hey, I recognize you from the television. You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this.

Yeah, sorry, Brian. My psychic warned me you were gonna bite somebody, and I didn't want to see that happen. Okay, that's it. This psychic nonsense has gone way too far. What do you mean "nonsense"? Lois, there is no such thing as a person who is psychic. And though it's tempting to want to believe in something that brings you comfort, the reality is you're just being totally naive.

(BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash! (ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this.

Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle. - Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up? And that's not even Kyle. Peter, we can't live like this.

And why the hell should we trust you? Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years.

Ooh, a drunk news report from Tom Tucker. We haven't had one of those since they canceled Passions. This should be good. Okay, our top story tonight, a local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion, in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors.

Hey, where you guys been? We went to the father-son barbecue. You drove all the way up to Fatherson for a barbecue? No, Dad. It was a barbecue for fathers and sons. Wait a minute. You went with the monkey to a father-son thing?

uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez.

QUAGMIRE: (SCREAMS) Damn it!

(GROANS) I'm sorry, but the Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet and Duke of Lacrosse Team already arrived two hours ago. But that's impossible!

Ah, You mean this? Oh, God. Yes, I love that. Stewie! This is insanity! Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country! Come on, kids.

Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere

MALE NARRATOR: In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention. These men promptly returned home and drank some beer. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The A-Team. (MACHINE GUN FIRING)

Officer, wait! I'm his wife, give me that bullhorn. Peter, you get out here right now, or else I'm throwing away all of your Mr. Potato Heads, I swear. It's okay, she only knows where the decoys are. Swanson, there you are. Listen, you hang out at this dump. I want you to go in there and end this thing.

Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it!

oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What? Oh, come on, You look like Charlie Brown. Bite me, Snoopy.

John Sununu. Murphy, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, Tipper Gore. Hey, Murph, you can't blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah-blah the Ayatollah.

(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence.

You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here!

All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose. What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right. But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf. Usually Peter would break the tie.

All right, take it easy.

What the hell is wrong with you? I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy?

But instead, you're going to show up. You got it. Yikes! That's a recipe for disappointment, like walking a floral arrangement through an office full of fat women. Is there a Miss...es? (ALL SIGH IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Al? Why haven't I leaped?

You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow!

laugh 'n' cry

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing.

Meg, wanna dance? I was here first. Meg, dance with me? Hey, you! Get into my car.

They have no idea what things are worth!

Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

If you have a few moments, I'd like you to watch this video presentation.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone.

I bet you muthafuckas will too

All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it.

Yes, Rock-Lois?

I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya! Ahh! Ahh! Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out.

If you're so mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night? I came because I love the theater. I mean, If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle o' his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be? A bitch.

Why the devil would they include small parts? Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up. (GROANS) Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. Dude, you're lucky. If you put that under your pillow, the tooth fairy'll come and give you a dollar. What? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here?

I don't know, Lois. I tried my best. I don't know what else I possibly could've done. Peter, you're just gonna have to do better. Somehow you've gotta let those kids know that they matter to you. (EXHALES) I'll try, Lois.

Monkey, grab my hand! (SCREAMING)

Meg! There you are. Hey, everybody, this is our newest member, Meg. - Hi, Meg. - What's up? Hi, you gays, guys. Girls. Look, listen, Sarah, I can't be in your club. I'm not a lesbian. You can't be serious. We had a whole party planned for you.

Keep playing! Keep playing!

The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand.

Jillian, don't you want your own father to give you away? Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you. Nah!

I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left! No, that's not it. That's just more wall. PETER: How many eyes do you have, huh? FLY: Just two, same number as you, but you know... I'm not... PETER: Just go! Oh, my God! FLY: Whatever it is you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs.

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers?

I mean, look at this. What's that, some kind of board? It's Chris' blanket.

Oh, Stewie, there you are. Thank God. Why are you dressed like Rerun?

(CRASHING) (HORSE NEIGHS) GUARD: (GASPS) Dear God! The Queen's dead! (BOTH WHISTLING) All right, Collingsworth, I got a hair. Now, just walk away casual-like and we're in the clear. Oh, no! Here come the coppers! (YAKETY SAX PLAYING)

Okay, you're good to go.

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!

oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk. G-Give me your keys. What is this, Dad? A Southern tradition, son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War. Robert E. Lee, I knew I'd find you here, where they seat the sorry-ass losers!

Well, all right. Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg. (LAUGHING) You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team.

Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.

I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

Well, I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks. Oh, I beg to differ.

There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!

Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail. And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on? (LAUGHING) You see? I'm part of it! I'm part of it like everyone else!

So, you still in school? Graduating this year.

Where... Where am I? We're at the playground, Brian. I kidnapped you. You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives living right here under the slide. Stewie, what the hell? Are you out of your mind? I most certainly am not!

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this.

Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in! What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there. Very well, Peter. You leave us no choice. Men, form up Crippletron!

Ok, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow, and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. Ahh! Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin.

God, Seamus has listened to Mony Mony on Spotify over 2,000 times.

(BEEPS) That's amazing. How the hell did you match it?

How could this happen? I thought we lived in suce a nice small town. There's no such thing anymore, Lois.

Peter, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work? I quit my job, Lois. You what? Yeah, we're rich now. I don't need to be working. Oh, you should've been there, Lois. I told Angela what she could do with that job, just like I always fantasized. Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation.

Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm. Peter? Oh! Oh, uh, Ah, h-Hi, Mr. Weed!

Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here. I feel horrible, Brian. I put Lois in the hospital, and I lost the kids. This is turning out worse than Stewie's iPod commercial.

I just wanted to spend some time with you.

Shut up! Harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. (EXCLAIMS) Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know.

It's essentially Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses. Hey, the sun's been up for an hour. Shouldn't we get riding? Are they still sleeping? I don't know. I'll check. (SCREAMS) What? What? What is it? Oh, God! Oh, my God! What? Oh, my God! Run!

Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.

Peter!

No, it's lame. Everything's lame. Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in. I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts. Wow! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're so cool! You're so awesome! You've checkmated my teenage cynicism! Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice clean rap.

And this is the hand that caused all the trouble.

Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh! (GASPS)

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave.

It was like an instinct, you know? Both my heart and my wiener somehow knew you were my soul mate.

You know what, never mind.

"till touchdown brings me round again to find "I'm not the man they think I am at home "oh, no, no, no "I'm A rock-it man "rocket man "burning out his fuse out here alone"

- Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good.

But first, get ready, Quahog, because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend at the Quahog Performing Arts Center. (SCOFFS) Barry Manilow. What a joke. So stupid. And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding. You couldn't pay me to go to that thing. Hey, you know what we should do? We should go just as a goof. That'd be hilarious. Yeah, just look at all the idiots.

O.J., this is my family. Family, O.J. It's nice to meet you all. Hey, Peter, you mind if I use your restroom? No. It's upstairs and to the left.

Go on. According to my uncle,

Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves?

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

Oh, no. What happened? (GASPS) That's terrible. Oh, my God, just awful. Well, you give them my best. Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach. Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim.

Oh, Crap! We did it again! Ruth Bader Ginsburg! Ooh.

What in God's name? Mr. Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here? Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze. This stupid country.

I never wanted anyone like this It's all brand new You'll feel it in my kiss I'm crazy for you

I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face. There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change.

You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it?

Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.

Always making those cocky little hills. Moving around all single file and stupid. All ganging up and walking my pie off the picnic blanket. (GASPS) 'Twas my pie gone missing! Sir, this is not an ant trial. Oh!

Here you go, sweetie. A couple of more oatmeal baths and you'll be all better. Well, no need to clean up when I'm done. You'll probably just slice a couple of bananas in here and chow down, huh, porky? So what happened with that kid on the playground? He won this round, Brian.

Oh, my GoD!

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

and your precious rebellion will be destroyed. Oh! (MOCKINGLY) I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive. Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387. God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?

God, your hands are like ice! Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter.

What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?"

Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon.

You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING)

And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

Yeah, it's almost like he has unrealistic abilities when we play laser tag. All right, well, if we just stick together, then... Zap, zap, zap! What the... No way! How'd you learn to do that?

You sold our home? Surprise! Peter, how could you? WhoopS. I recognize that tone Tonight I sleep alone But still, this house is freakin' sweet

Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by. Red Buttons standing by. Redd Foxx standing by. Big Red standing by. SEAN CONNERY: Red October standing by. Helen Reddy standing by. Simply Red standing by.

They'd none of them be missed None of them be missed That is enough!

Oh, You got that right! But, In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends. No! Accepted. I also demand to remain my own independent nation. Absolutely not. Well, How about you just give me your pen? You mean, This cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office? Yeah. No. oh man, So after all this, I end up with nothing? How about this?

- Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs. Don't! You are Jesus. Yes. I am.

ahh!

Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

(KNOCKING) Oh, hello. Hi, you must be Mrs. Griffin. I'm Kent. I'm here to pick up Meg. Oh, Kent, it's so nice to meet you. She's just getting ready. Meg, Kent's here! Just putting on my lipstick. Damn it. And this is Meg's brother, Chris. Oh, yeah, I've seen you around school.

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.

Charcoal burning everywhere Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Here in status-symbol land

But, Dylan, my God! Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan.

Damn right I do, 'cause I make the money! I'm the big mamoo around here! Now, when you start bringing in a paycheck and providing for this family, then you can make the rules!

Well, Lois, I'm off to my first day as a corporate bigwig. I'm not so sure about this, Peter. I mean, that's Daddy's company. He spent his whole life building it from the ground up, and you don't know anything about running a big business. Whoa, whoa. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story.

I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich, whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny! (SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey.

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money?

You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious.

Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA

I don't get that one! Hi, there, Jeff. Hey, what's going on, dudes? Brenda just fell. Get your lazy ass up and get my neighbors some beers!

(SCREAMING) All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut.

No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you.

It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now.

A father and his son are in a car crash. The father is killed and the son is taken to the hospital in critical condition. He needs surgery to save his life. But when he is placed on the operating table, the doctor says, "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." Who is the doctor?

We made it! Hallelujah! Get some! Well, guess there's nothing left to do but watch the end of Last Holiday.

Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move.

Oh, thanks, you're nice. I screwed that up. Muriel? Oh, yeah, like she's going to answer you, Tom. And here we go with the attitude. This is why you're single. Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid?

They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week.

You know, people can learn a lot from dogs, you know?

Yay, Joe. Now you have a friend.

Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh!

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One, no tax-dodging Jedis in my pit! Religion is tax-exempt! Jedi is a religion!

Connie, would you like to be a captain? Sure. I pick everyone except Meg. Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here. Fine. Weirdo.

I should be on Glee! Oh, my God. I just drove.

Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there. Yes, that's right, cry. Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens. Nobody move! Nobody move! Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode. (DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Wait a minute, you're not James Woods. Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express. What the hell is he doing? Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, now, let me understand this, what are you here to promote, James? Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month.

I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate.

You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex?

"Peter's new catchphrases, by Carter Pewterschmidt." Title's all business. I like that. Also, I've been under the weather lately, so it may not be my best work.

Oh, shit! That's it!

But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris.

Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you. Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde and her mother. Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession. So there's really no reason for you to tell me. Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody. Giggity Goo Ga!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Oh... Crap!

RosebuD.

Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway! Peter, You can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game. There's nothing these Kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him...

Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go.

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri.

Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night. Or do you?

I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor. Oh, don't worry, I watch Regis and Kelly. I can handle it. Oh, so, you know. This is my husband Ben.

Giggity. Giggity. (MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity!

Hey, classmates. Griffin, did you gain weight? That's not important. But you know what is important? I'm gay now. Let's all of us go be gay somewhere together. And then you go tell all your friends that I welcome them to be gay with me, too, because I am gay. I'll be gay with you. Oh, this is too perfect.

undefinedHi, guys. We're back from the mall. " got new shoes. The old ones are in the box. They smell and are old.

and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING)

You know, you really hurt me, Brian. And I can't let you do that again. Look, I won't. I promise. I don't know how to tell you this, but you're too late. I met someone else. Jillian, do you get the Oxygen Network? If I miss my Moesha, I get a bit crabby. In a minute, Adam.

Ahhh! No! Whoa!

You have failed me for the last time. I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday? Well, sort of. I mean, we planned that lunch two weeks ago. But he promised he'd go with me to put flowers on my grandmother's grave this afternoon, so I guess it's all right. Peter, are you ready...

Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.

I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night.

Hey, What the hell are you doing in my house? Your house? This is my house. My wife and I bought it from the bank. But i--I still got another day to pay back the loan. The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat deadbeat loser. Fat deadbeat loser? Well, Sir, While I may not agree with what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it.

That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. What? No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. (CHUCKLING) Look at you out here, on a big trip. What are you doing? I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me.

Here, go ahead, do what you just did, but with me. Ow! Oh, my God! (BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Call somebody! Oh! We need one of those boards they use for football players! (GRUNTS) Hey, what's going on? Nothing. I just figured out why cats are better than babies.

His movies are terrible. Lois, roll out the red carpet. Here comes Joe and his cop buddies.

Oh, there you are! Hey, give me some money. I saw a cool bandana. What the hell's going on here? Listen here, you bully! For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you. Like hell she did. Brenda, you tell them? No, not yet. Everyone, I have wonderful news. Jeff and I are getting married.

Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened. As soon as that guy shows up any place, it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth. (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to. (LAUGHING)

My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials. (TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.

And I want to hear what you think of it. Where did you find the time for that? Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule. I don't like fancy learnin' books I don't like apple tarts I don't like cozy breakfast nooks I don't like modern arts

A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me? so I can tell you that I respect you? Now, Brian, I know this is a bad time for you. And If I have any advice to give you, it is this.

Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about? Gordon? I got him! Ha, ha, ha! It's just like hunting. Chris, stop it! What will the neighbors think? Abner! Abner! The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer!

And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh...

Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter! Yeah, Griffin gets it!

Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward.

"Following Mrs. Donovan" by Chris Griffin. "The first thing that Mrs. Donovan does when she gets home from school "is put on sweatpants. "Then she eats a whole tube of cookie dough, "but she must be allergic to it "because there are tears coming out of her eyes "and she always throws up right after.

the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene. Who's that, baby? Ugh! Hello This is Tom Tucker...

MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

Al Cowling said it would be so Kato! I didn't see a thing Well, it looks like this is one more town the media has run me out of.

So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat. Please, you gotta help us. They've been lost for hours. For God's sakes, Stewie's only a baby. A search party is being organized as we speak, ma'am. But I'm afraid, at the moment, I'm the only one on duty.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

He--He was doing it for you. He knows how much you want to go to Brown. There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. Now, that's not true. Libel's not a felony. It's a civil matter. Don't worry. Your father will straighten everything out. Come on. Let's go get our nails done. Chris, take care of Stewie.

Don't push too hard, Peter. You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show. Lois, honey, I love you but you're sucking all the energy out of the room.

Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has to take a poop right just now. (ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this?

Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one. W-w-Wait. What was that? Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that!

If you ever touch my daughter again,

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would.

Wait a minute. You mean you're not even gonna call the cops?

Hey. Who the hell are you? I'm the guy Stewie pays to watch him sleep.

And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel?

You made my mom cry tonight, Doug. I don't think you're a very good friend. I am not gonna listen to you anymore. Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty. And I just might reach into your brain and do this. Okay, I'll listen. That's my boy.

Sure. All the guys here have been castrated. It's cool. Hey, Do you think that girl is hot? No. Me neither.

Oh, God, that feels so much better. You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat. (CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya! Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on?

Look what I made for the game. What's that mean, anyway? "And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox.'"

Carter, as your boss, I'm ordering you to pay a compliment to this sharply-dressed Asian man. You look very nice.

Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God, they pack so much fudge into these. And--And look at this. There's even a couple of nuts lodged in there.

All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said...

(SNORING) This sucks. That damn Superstore is ruining everything. You know, instead of sitting around complaining, why don't we go down there and protest? That's a great idea, Brian. All we need is some magic markers, poster boards, some plywood... Actually, Superstore USA has all that stuff. We can just get it there.

All right, I've booked us on a flight that leaves in two hours.

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines. Y-You could! You--and--And not just like Jugs, or--or Creamsicle.

(HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE)

Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion.

Really? Oh, Yes! She's Such a little frosty box! She won't work with anybody. And Stewie Griffin is also on the fence. If he and Olivia don't deliver at their quarterly reviews, I'm just gonna have to kick their cute little bottoms out of here.

You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70. Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one?

All right, Simon, do your worst. I find it's easy if I make it into a little song. Red, green, blue, green, blue, blue Then you put in words I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING) (DOORBELL RINGING)

Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas! MAN: Infertility! Here we go! Our grand prize winner is Brian Griffin. (ALL CLAPPING) (ALL CHEERING) Wow, I don't believe it! Hey, congratulations, buddy. You know, you're a lucky guy.

I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter. One of us is gonna win that paid vacation. I don't want to feed Grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub. Peter, are you ok?

(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT)

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

(WHIMPERING) Brian? What's going on over there? (SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie. Here's a little morphine. What the hell? You're not gonna stick me with that thing. MAN: I don't think that's a real nurse. Just hold still. Pretend you're at the vet. Vet? I hate the vet! (BARKING) There's a dog in here!

"I alone had reached the target objective,

Hi, Anthony. Hi, Mrs. Griffin. You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately, so we got a little welcome-to-the-family present for you.

Thanks for buying me dinner, Mr. Herbert.

All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there?

I wonder if Mr. Hoover has anything to say about all this? Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it! All right. Okay. I'll study!

The spirit of the red, white and blue

I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

You were putting something in my drawer. What's this? (SIGHS) Look, Meg, I know you've been having a hard time lately, so I wanted to give you something that means a lot to me. MEG: Oh, I remember this. This was the trip our family took to the Cape. Ugh. It was miserable.

Me, too, Mom. We haven't seen you in ages.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Okay, all right, that's... That's seven 16-ounce steaks. Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake.

What the-- AHh! Hello, little sea monkeys. He's back. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. Steve, do something. Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle.

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

Oh, Actually, it wasn't me. It was-- No, no. It's ok. I'm used to it.

Uh... Hey, Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never". You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did. Well, I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on. I'll go next. Uh... Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (APPLAUDING) Hello, darling Nice to see you It's been a long time

(SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.

PETER: Let go!

Too much love drives a man insane You broke me will Oh, what a thrill Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

All right, Quagmire. Time for your lap dance. No, guys. I can't do that. It's degrading to women. Come on, Quagmire. It's got to be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down. (SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?

Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner? Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell.

3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.

Peter, for God's sake,

for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

I'm 2 years younger than you!

(SIGHS) I hope Brian's stomach pains aren't anything serious. Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

Oh, that's pretty. yech.

PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin struggled to make ends meet until he died tragically in the same manner as 78% of Americans at that time.

There's no factory? Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over!

I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie!

you know, Get you a haircut, give you a good clean-- shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you. Gee! Y-You really think so? Absolutely.

I'm going to be burying my dog. Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs. Let's start with that. Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian to come out peacefully, we're going to have to take him down. Don't worry, Joe, I'm good with tight situations. Like when I saved Luke Skywalker's life. Okay, Luke, this will keep you warm until I get the shelter built.

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

This one's my favorite ornament. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas. Yeah, it was probably very moving and fictional. Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need?

Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money! Peter, watch the road! Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God,

All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three.

Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here! They stink of good cheer, Lois!

I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right?

My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)

I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! You... You have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute. (CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium.

Chris, thank you for helping bring water to my village. You're a hero. No. Lou Gehrig was a hero. Excellent. As soon as I release this biological toxin... into the world's water supply, I will rule the world. I'll call it "Lou Gehrig's Disease."

Carter, is this true? Yes, it's true. Oh, dear! (SOBBING)

(SCREAMS)

Come on now! This is damn foolish! My theme, my trophy! My aunt Fanny! You said it yourself! I'm the boss! He said I, too, was the boss. And it's time Cleveland got his duE. Joe, my feet are starting to swell.

Aw, go-- No. No. No seriously. What's his name? Dick Armey. Pthht! Oh.

(GROANING) (LAUGHING) Oh, no, she didn't. (DOORBELL DINGING) Pizza for Adam West. No! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon! This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher.

Dad, that's just an urban legend.

Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday.

Aw, jeez, This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois! ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh... I'm gonna ask someone for directions. Meg, watch Stewie. Excuse me, Can you tell me how to get to New York? Sure. But what's your hurry, ma'am? Don't you want to play A little first? Thank you.

I'm Weenie of Weenie & The Butt, coming to you live on 97.1. WOMAN: Radio DJs at local events MAN: Next week, The Boat Show. (BOAT WHISTLE BLOWING) (OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted. MAN 1: Worn out Butt.

Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams!

He brought a note from his doctor. It's a suicide bombing. MAN: It's true. What are you... Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Here we go. This is where I get all serious now. Okay. Death... (LAUGHING) I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't. Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait. Look, look, rubber chicken, you know?

The don? I don't know what you're talking about. Aw, Come on. The don, the captain of the mafia. Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia. "The don's daughter is getting married tomorrow. "Here's my invitation. "Now get the asterisk- percent-ampersand out of here, you SOB." What's a SOB? Ah!

Like when? Jersey Boys, Morton's Steakhouse, Foxwoods... Foxwoods and Jersey Boys was the same trip! (SIGHS) You know what? Fine. I'll put it on my card, but I'm just gonna say it's a gift because that's the only way I can do this anymore.

Oh, It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah.

Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone.

I notice your kid is having some trouble. You're telling me. Oh, your kid just needs a little help. I got something that'll get him going.

I just think it's presumptuous. I mean, come on, "The country's best yogurt"? You know, prove it. Show me your data. MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Munch-a. (CHUCKLES) Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says, "Property of Stewie Griffin"? Uh... Well, I... (SIGHS) All right, to be completely honest, and because we've already had sex, it's not mine.

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Look, a bow tie. Ah hey, I'm David Bowie. Wow, Bo Derek! Oh, Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!

That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow.

No, but I hit it with a rock.

During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that!

Turn it on and rip the knob off.

We have no money, no way to get home, and one of the loan shark's goons is probably gonna bust through that door any minute and kill us both. I wish my daddy were here. He always knows what to do. (ENGINE REVVING)

To hell with him. We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame?

Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite?

You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask. No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore. I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan.

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra. My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!

(CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate.

Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four. (SAFETY DANCE PLAYING)

(INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me. All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD)

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta.

You know, you shouldn't be poking around out here. White men have been spotted nearby, laying traps and forming slo-pitch softball leagues. Well, whatever makes them happy. Live and let live, that's what I say. And I'm sure that's what they say, too. Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. Wow, you're a different color than me. Would you like to be equals?

You guys? Oh, my God! Well, well, I think we've found our killer. Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody.

Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people. Ugh! That's the end of those underwears. I didn't know what to do, so I took them off and hummed them at the wall, and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses. Well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it. Your vagina's in the sink.

We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets. Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose!

Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.

I told her she was fat. No. No.

Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me? No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

The spirit of the red, white and blue

(GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie!

I don't believe this. I just lost a $50 bet. You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife. But there's nothing funny about that. (LAUGHING)

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch? I don't understand what... Oh, wait. What? Really? Hey, Stewie! STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard! Patrick. Where have you been? Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois.

Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Hey, Ryan Reynolds. What are you doing in Cleveland's house?

My God! I--I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them! Wah! Wah! Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman. Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?

Phew! It's okay. It's just the stuffed bear from the great outdoors. Did you see The Great Outdoors? No. You suck. Hey, I found the pool cues. (SCREAMS)

Hello, old friend. (SCREAMING) What the hell? No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift. Oh, what is it? A little birdie?

Gotta have rules. And since we can't spend all our time making rules, I think that we should elect some people to represent us,

Well, I better go. I don't want to be tardy. That's not going to happen from missing one class. People are born that way. Now run along, or you'll be late.

(PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC) I see the sparkling little diamond On your hand

Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over!

Hey, I hate you too, bitch.

Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid. This gives me an idea. She's dead.

Is this your card? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Luke! Han! Leia!

and my parents wanted her to start a new life. But my sister, Mary, shot herself in the face, and that's when I decided that she would live on through me. For I am not who you think I am. I am not little Mary Sunflower, daughter of Bradley and Theresa Sunflower.

- Cracked? - Yeah. Jesus Christ, unbelievable. All right, I'll be back. (WIND HOWLING)

Like an old guy and a midget. Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you? So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened. Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room. Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father."

You suck donkey ass.

Mambo! (PANTING)

Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? I told you never to show your face here again!

Yes. I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinnER. I demand to speak to your supervisor. Hold, please. oh, Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth. looks like we made it

Sodomy Sodomy

and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth. Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now. Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

Chris, what did you do with my video tapes? I had a whole system. I was trying to find a good movie to watch.

I'm what's goin' on, Peter. I got highlights, I went shopping, and I had my... So it's tighter now. Peter, I think Lois might be having a midlife crisis. Come on, dudes! Who wants to hop in my wheels, and head to the beach for some ultimate Frisbee?

Some of those cats go on to get pretty good jobs.

You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it. Dad, I think Mom's right. Maybe you should go back to that doctor. Well, now wait a minute, Meg. Let's not be too hasty.

Aw, Can I have a piece? Peter! Granted. Next. Aw, Crap. I'm sorry I used up our favor, Lois. You know what? Here. It's yours. No, No. really. I insist. Peter, I'm gonna be killed! Does that mean nothing to you? Of course it does. It means everything to me.

Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't do it. I thought, "Is this in bad taste?" But you know what? I went for it. I went for it and I am so glad I did. Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.

Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital!

Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you have three crushed ribs, but I was able to stop the internal bleeding. Doctor, this has happened seven times in the last month.

Don't worry, fish. I'm gonna take care of you, 'cause I know one day you'll do the same for me. I'm sorry, but your friend doesn't have insurance. I don't care what it costs. Just make this man well again. Thank you, fish.

Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show. Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here. So, Jesus, what've you been doing since you've been back?

Here, Peter. Try one of these. What is it? It's a cheeseburger. Of couRse, Now I know it Wasn't a cheeseburger but at that time, I was ready to believe anything.

Meg, how the hell could you do something like this?

A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns.

(SNAPS) (POPPING) (HORN BLOWS) (YELPS) (GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING) Oh! I love this song!

"She was grace in name and in essence. "To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light.

And that time I snuck into Wimbledon. Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move.

So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote?

Establishment Establishment You always know what's best MAN: You suck! Learn the rules! And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes.

Well, Mr. Griffin, the bandages are ready to come off. But I think I should tell you, it's a miracle that you're alive at all. We did all we can. But medical science has come just so far. Ahh! And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask.

Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

(PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time!

Oh, hardy har har. Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods. What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set. Yeah. Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro. Hey, who's the director, Brian? Marty Scorsese. Who's the star of Silence of the Lambs? Tony Hopkins.

He admitted defeat and ran off.

(SOBBING)

Ow! Ugh! Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh!

(THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING) (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez. Ok, everyone. Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. Aunt Marguerite!

We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

(SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

Just a little further. (SCREAMS) (CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw.

Ugh! One of those guys?

We got to get you back on track. Isn't that right, buddy? (GRUNTING) Look, it's working! Okay, good. So, feral Peter, why don't you put in tape number two and let's get started.

What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much. Oh, no. It's not on his tail. It's on his face. I've ruined it. Oh, no. Well, that's okay, though. Somebody else will come along and get it right. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie. I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I've never been to a party before.

Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.

How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth. You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house.

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

My God, look at this wonderland of treasures. What would a guy like me have to do to be part of this magical world? You are trespassing on private property,

Well, Halsey was hospitalized with psoriasis at the outset of the battle.

Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, l-Let's sit down and talk about this. I want to believe you, but-- Ugh! Gotcha! But--But seriously, you can trust me. Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you.

I thought I saw a cat. I did see a cat.

I don't know. I've missed so many. It's gonna take me forever to catch up. Well, we'd sure love to have you as a viewer. Is there anything we can do to make the news more appealing to you?

Hello, sir. Enough with the foreplay, sailor, What are you selling? Well, I was gonna try to sell you some "handsome cream," but I can see you already bought out the store! Go on. So Perhaps you'd be interested in something every homeowner cannot be without,

And, As soon as the baby can crawl, it'll probably leave me, too, just like my 8 husbands. Um, hey, Carol. It's me, Ted. Listen, i--I came back, because I love you, and uh-- Nah--nah, I'm just kidding. It's me, Peter. It was so nice of you to come, Peter. You're so considerate. Aw, It was nothing.

I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn.

Ahh! Unhand me, woman! I don't have gas! I'm in love! Well then, I guess it's both.

I am mortified to even show my face around this ship. Hey, the Captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay. You're gay. Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year. That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair?

Nobody gives a damn about animals.

Okay, you're fine. Be right back. Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?

I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld. Gentlemen, we need to talk. My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke. That's just not true. What about this toy? Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette.

So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie. Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car!

My son, Hidalgo. And my cousin, Vinny. Hey, how you doing? Give me a word, any word at all... and I'll pronounce it funny for a nickel. - Hello? - Hi, Mom. - Chris, are you all right? - Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay! - Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy.

Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings. I love Wings.

Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.

Well, I know the people will support you, Lois, because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us! And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog.

- Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ.

Hi, Mrs. Griffin. You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately,

Wrong! They're looking for bastards like me! (MURMURING) Mort, how many times you been laid since your wife died? Do Muriel's clothes count? No! You wanna know how many times I've been laid since last night? 60! Why? 'Cause I'm not trying to be a girl's Prince Charming. I'm trying to be that big mistake they made at the bar last night.

What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what, I just... I hope I didn't hurt you because I'd feel terrible about that. No, no, no. I'm all right. But, listen, you know what, let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner. Well, that sounds lovely.

Oh, don't worry, Carstairs, there's ample gratuity on there for you. (CHORTLES) Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined. (LAUGHING) Oh, really?

(GROWLING)

Brian, this feels weird.

I've seen the world, and its name is LoiS. How romantic! Why can't you find a nice girl? Ma, she's gonna dump hiM. Well, at least he got that faR. You know who he took to the prom? His cousin! - That's weak. - YEAh.

yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do!

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now,

You knew what this waS. A flight attendant? Wow. That does sound exciting. What made you change your mind? Just my desire to see you happy. Ohh! And to exploit your hard labor for free travel and fun. What? Shh, I didn't say anything. Go to sleep, crazy lady.

Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite.

Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.

ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?

This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.

Let me tell you about it, stud. You'll get chills all through your body And you'll lose all control of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole

Are you running away? Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing! You know, son, running away never solves anything. You're getting to be a big boy now.

You can't just disappear for three months and then suddenly decide... you want him back! You can't have him! Well, I'm glad Neil's over me, anyway. I'm with Jake now. Right, Jake? Maybe someday we'll get married and you can go up on me. Neil, I wanna be your girlfriend. What?

Ach! Unsere Unterseeboot sind stehlen mit eine dog und baby und Art Garfunkel!

I'd fuck me so hard

Okay. Oh my, Chris, we can see your genitals. Just kidding. Everyone's genitals are hanging out. Really? Wow, this is just like Bible camp. Only I'm not crying and trying to pretend I'm somewhere else.

Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad. Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad to you, young lady. Oh, God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man. You have no education,

As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle. Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom? Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.

Oy, God. Brian, don't do this. Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad. Quick! Back up! oh, Great.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois. It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone.

Peter, she milked your boobs, and there were a lot of people I knew there. Now, let's go. VENDOR: Butt scratcher! Get your butt scratcher here! Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm gonna be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?

Whoa! Aah! Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This next one is for all the ladies out there. And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh."

(ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right!

Hey, y'all. Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian. ALL: Hello, Peter and Brian.

And we're out of time. This has been The Lunch Hour. Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal. And remember, life is full of entrees, so don't fill up on bread. I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon. MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon.

Hey, when it's your turn to say "I do," you should say, "I do the Dew." And then we both pull out a Mountain Dew, and then I do, like, a radical skateboard jump off the altar.

perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian, did you see that treadmill - in the living room? Yeah.

Pretty exciting. What? The marquee or the other thing? Oh, What other thing? You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first? Well, It's obvious. You know, Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera. So, the sex was good?

so I have something to play with. Sounds good. And take a look at the back.

I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God. (STUTTERING) No, it's really not that bad. It only hurts when I see. You don't have to stay with a man who treats you that way. Oh, Jeff's sweet. You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone.

Lois, I told you I'm on dipsalucious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

Okay, Peter, let's hear what you've got. (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (MURMURING)

I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away.

Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information.

And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed None of them be missed That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby. I brought Stewie into this world.

You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy...

Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

(GASPS) (GASPS)

LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!

Hey, what's wrong, Peter? I miss my friends, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't got Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me?

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot. Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching.

It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

Oh, It's probably Connie calling for me. Hello? Oh, yeah. Hold on. It's for Lando. Aloha. No way! Uh, uh, Hold on. I--I'm gonna take this in the other room. I got it! Hang up!

That's hilarious.

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.

But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

(LOUD EXPLOSION) Uh-oh.

Enough with the foreplay, sailor, What are you selling? Well, I was gonna try to sell you some "handsome cream," but I can see you already bought out the store! Go on. So Perhaps you'd be interested in something every homeowner cannot be without, Volcano insurance!

Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot. Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

You know, how dare they question our friendship? We're friends, right, Peter? 'Course we are, Brian. Friends with benefits. (CHUCKLES) Just kiddin', buddy. Wow. You really got into it, you weirdo.

Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street

Well, can we watch Lost Boys? I've heard of that one. Those are different lost boys.

What the hell are you doing with a musket? Last day on Earth. I've always wanted to save a Native American family from rapacious cavalrymen.

Oh--oh, People who use the word "guesstimate." Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric! Ew! You know, perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way. I daresay, I should embrace the idea of having a little brother. After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team.

Wait. Turn that up. Peter Griffin and Glen Ouagmire were seen bolting out... ...of the supposedly haunted house after just one half-hour... ...Ieaving only their pride and twin trails of urine behind them. Cheese and crackers! Now Lois'll know everything! Not ifl can help it!

Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's Christmas this year. Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon. What?

She's 16, Peter.

Quick! Hop on! (CHEERING) - All right, we did it. We made it. That was a close one! (SIGHS) Well, guys, we made it. Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out.

I want him to look, Peter. (SHOUTING)

You were all great. Weren't they? I only wish the show was called The King and Us, so I could cast you all. Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star!

What? All right. Let's get those reindeer hooked up and get out of here. Okay. The elves are bringing them now. (BARKING) (SNARLING)

Hey, Paw, you're late. You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull! I came here 'cause I wanted to get Denise back and instead, you ruined my life! These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot. This course is in getting laid, not finding love. So, what's the point?

(SCREAMING)

Don't get any ideas about Julio. I'm his number one.

(SCREAMING)

A rebel without a clue

I'm still mad at you.

(MEN LAUGHING) Okay. Okay, guys. here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing. I find her insufferable. French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright. Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is.

Faster! So, what exactly would you say qualifies you to work as a sumo wrestler? Oh, are you kiddin'? I'm a born athlete, just like Greg Louganis. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke?

You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick. Eight! Nine! Ten!

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off!

Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you. That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town. Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.

Reassigned? Can I at least come down to your office and talk to you about this? No. I'm afraid I'm far too busy today. Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey

Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess. Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book. Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible! Oh, here's a pop-up book. "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."

ALL: Yes!

Wait. Really? Oh, my God! Plus, I can get you a night in bed with Oprah. (GROANING HESITANTLY) Okay, just the sticker then. So what do you say? Is it a deal? You don't have to sell out like this, Brian! (INHALES DEEPLY) (HALTINGLY) Your novel is good enough to be published on its own merits.

PETER: Hey, Stewie. Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you?

Prepare to lock the tractor beam onto the Millennium Falcon.

Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic. Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. Wait a second. I'll be right back.

goo-goo, oodla! No! My segment's not over! Come on, little fellow. You like to jump rope, don't you? I like jump rope. All right. So, you're gonna just sit here and enjoy it. I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding.

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?

And this is Pembroke Quad. Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited. I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories. Cowards!

Peter Griffin, temporarily suspended C.P.R... Holy crap! We should go. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex.

Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy. Wait a minute. Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered... in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TVaudience? My poor baby. My God, Lois, you were right. Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty.

Next item. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here "to join these two in holy matrimony. "If anyone objects to this union, "speak now or forever hold your peace." Quiet down! You had your chance! So, What do you have to do for your community service?

Ah! What happened to your eye? Don't worry about it! Just put the lens in! But where do I put it? The pupil's gone. Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball. I think it rolled up into my head. Look, just do the other one. Ah! You look like one of those blind jazz guys.

Stewie's having fun.

there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

dating back to my diminutive great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin.

That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house.

You lose!

I'm going to show you that age is just a state of mind. Come on, hop in my limo. Wow, a limo! Shotgun! (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out.

All right. Uh, Jenny, would you come up here and show us where the femur is? Ahhh! Get out of here, you little bastard. I knew this was the right thing to do.

What? But, Carol... I'm so sorry, Adam. (SOBBING) (SOBBING) I think you should go now, Lois.

Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.

'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat. ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands.

(SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. (ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure. Brian, what hell? Hot lady next to wheel.

I think he has stage fright.

Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn. No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom?

(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good?

Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know a little bit about who I am. Thanks for the milk, Carl. What the hell? $400?

(WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs.

So, these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes? Indeed they are. Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking?

like Fred Flintstone. So, why exactly do you want this separation? Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower.

I'll give you a hint. Famous football player. Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno. Wait a minute. Chuck Connors? He was a basketball player and he was in Roots. Yeah, he wasn't in The Towering Inferno, you dumb beaver. What? I didn't say nothing. Dad, who is it? O.J. Simpson.

He ain't got no legs. Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene.

Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me! Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh?

Because it's Rule 142-B!

I got a knack for delivering bad news. I don't know how to tell you this, Mr. DeVanney. So I'll let these guys do it. You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here

So, Peter, any luck finding your wallet? No, and it's getting to be a pain in the ass. I got no money. I couldn't even afford to get my hair cut yesterday. That'll be $5. Sorry, lost my wallet. But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now.

Come on. This thing goes up to 90. Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know?

Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan.

she'd make one of the cool guys ask me to the Winter Snow Ball. You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance? Meg, haven't we taught you better than that? N-Now, hold on, Lois. now, People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted. I--I don't know about this. Hey, We all did it. If you want to be a Supreme Court Justice,

(GRUNTING) (LOUD CRACK) My back. I can't move.

So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em! Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.

Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. (YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot.

NARRATOR: Stewie Griffin, scientist, inventor, infant. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. I hurt myself changing this tire!

How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me! Well, then I guess now we're even.

(TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, that's funny. Advocate violence. And let's face it, Mork, you're getting Nanu-Na-old! (TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Stop it! You stop it! Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world, and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention!

- Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! Of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

That ought to show you!

The fact that you are special But if everybody's special That kinda waters it down So some of you ain't special I can tell you who is special Like you and you ain't special And you are and you're not.

Ugh! What do you want? Financial advice. Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant?

Aah! Uh, Ok. Take your base. Somebody call 911. Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel! Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired! Oh, Man. What'll I do if I get fired?

I didn't see a thing Well, it looks like this is one more town the media has run me out of. Now wait a second, Juice. You can't let them tell you how to live your life. You've been running for too long.

AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later. Damn rookies. Are all the other men out of the shower yeT?

Sometimes I wonder.

Now, I have to leave enough time... Talking to yourself? (EXCLAIMS) Brian! Hello!

Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor. I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer.

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share.

(GROANS) More fan mail. Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us. We're gonna be huge. Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup.

Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times. Hey, uh, Hey, Leif. It's been a while. Too long, man. I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so--

but you got a lot of talent, young man. Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast. Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING) (PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell. And now you're gonna pay for it. So get ready, fuckers. (SNIFFING) Oh! That kung pao chicken smells good. You smell that, Brian? All I can smell is your ass.

Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish. I'd sell my soul to be famous! Oh! I got a live one! Peter GriffIN. Ooh. Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. Oh, And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?

All right, Peter. That's enough!

Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here!

What the hell? Are these schools so underfunded that they can't afford textbooks from this century? Well, I am gonna raise hell about this at the next PTA meeting. Well, let me know if you need help. I can be very persuasive.

Hey, Ma, we got any pictures of me when I was a kid? Maybe something in a tub? I'm really sorry it didn't work out, Glenn. Me, too, Charmese. I'll send the divorce papers to that Rite Aid where you brush your teeth. (DOOR CLOSES) (ENGINE STARTS) Hey, buddy, what happened? She gone?

Well, if we're correct, we will have successfully proven that homosexuality is genetic, and not a matter of choice or environment. Are you crazy? I don't want to take a chance on being gay. We'll give you $125. All right, I'll do it.

All right! I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job. Well, There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on.

I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message, like, four hours ago.

I want my family back. Okay. Give me back my family. Get off me. I want my family back.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Do you really love it? I do. It just feels like my wedding dress. Oh, Mom, she loves it. Okay. We'll take it. Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress? PETER: She gone? No. Okay, well, while I'm down here, let me give you my card. There you go.

Guys, I, uh... I gotta go shoot one into the sink.

That property is in a prime location.

Yeah, you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp. Get to the chopper. All right, everybody got your bowling shoes? Everybody got your balls? I don't have my shoes. Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes?

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

(SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS) (HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.

Hey, You think they'll have American cheese there? Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind. He was as good as dead. But as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony,

Oh, I'm so awkward! Hey, muscly arm, why the long face? Oh, It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something. Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles?

WOMAN: (FOREIGN ACCENT) The current bid is $200,000. Oh, my God. WOMAN: Going once, twice... Sold for $200,000. Remember, there is cash back when you use your Visa Gold.

QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter, what's up?

You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

"And if I'd have been there, I would have been like, "'Oh, sweet.'" Huh? What do you think? You certainly do paint a picture, Peter. I felt like I was right there on Planet Niptune. You're not the only one. Everyone down at the bar wanted a copy. Wow! Maybe you should think about publishing it. Hey, if you ask Daddy, he might even give you some money to do it yourself.

What did I ever do to you? That's a good question, Peter. What did you ever do to me? What did you ever do to James Woods? Well, I locked you in a wooden crate and forgot to put an air hole in it. Forgot to put an air hole in it. Well, you kind of had it coming. Look, Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet. Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started.

4t's condensation, Johnny. But what about the fog on the windows? It's not fog, Johnny. ft, too, is called condensation. (ECHOI NG) "Con-den-sa tion. " Hey, Peter, how was your first Silly Nannies practice?

Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles. If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.

A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.

Certainly. Let me just go to the freezer. Mr. Griffin, y-you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right? Yup, yup. Fine, fine. And just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance.

Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling.

But, mom, what's Dad gonna do for a job? Oh, It'll be ok, Chris. Remember that episode of The Honeymooners When Ralph lost his job but at the end of the show he didn't get it back? Oh, yeah. What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of Me.

That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do. If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex!

No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING)

Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Oh! But I did. Yoo-hoo! Guys. (SQUEALS) Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene.

No more TV.

All right, I'm gonna go bring the pilots their coffee.

Hello, old friend. (SCREAMING) What the hell? No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift. Oh, what is it? A little birdie?

We'd take a bullet just for you oh, What a coincidence. I've got one. Stewie! Prepare to suck that golden teat Now that you're stinking rich

This sucks. I hate it here.

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world

How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal!

(ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

Good morning, Lois. My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today. Well, why shouldn't I be? You saved Rupert's life, and I love you for it.

Hey, Peter, you ready to go to The Clam? Oh. Who's the hot chick? Oh, that's Stella. You don't have to whisper, she's deaf. Really? Oh, my God, that's hot. I didn't know you had a thing for deaf chicks. Any kind of disabled chick, Peter. They can do things to you that regular chicks don't even think of.

(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends? There's so many questions left unanswered. Are you Luke Skywalker?

(PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what?

Once you get those pants off, it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza. Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific. Anyway, good night, kids. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. Uh-uh-uh-uh. On the lips. Yes! Do you think your parents liked me?

You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops. Hey, getting some writing done there, buddy? Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay. Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing. Otherwise, what's the point, right? You should totally write that down. Okay. Will you watch me? Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family.

Mickey McFinnegan, I challenge you to a drinking contest. (ALL GASPING) And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? Because I'm your son and I'm tough. I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious?

Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry. I just came from that orientation seminar about college dating.

Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS Yes, you have AIDS Not H.I.V., but full-blown AIDS Be sure that you see

That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod. Whoa! Whoa!

You are no longer welcome in my house! What you talking about, Peter? (LAUGHS) But you can't have sex with Lois! Now, I want you out of here right now! (SIGHS) I can't believe this. I thought I found a true friend in you. I'd never do anything to hurt you or your family. Now you're breaking my heart.

I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl. (GROWLS) I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl. Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope. The end.

MAN: I didn't like any of that.

Hey, you! Stay!

Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy! Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign. (ALL CLAMORING)

What the hell was that about? Who were those guys? I don't know, but I'll tell you this. I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend.

But isn't there someone else you should speak to? Yes, there is. Scarecrow, you've had brains all along. Same goes for your heart, Tin Man. And Kristy McNichol, come back to television. We miss you. Peter, I meant you should talk to your fathER. You're right. You with me, big guy? Peter, I go where I am needed.

I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook, and that's our ticket to...

No, I think this one's all yours. Go, girl! All right! One's an innie, and one's an outie. And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more!

Yeah, that's why we wear these big helmets. It's a lot more intimidating. I'll be honest with you. I don't like people who are different.

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story.

Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great, and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her. No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian. And you know what? I deserve to be lonely.

Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Look, sir, droids. Look, a penny.

Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman. "We just want the money." We should've known this weather was coming. There's been three days of thunder. Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets. What are we gonna do? We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house! All right, does anyone have a cell phone?

Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly? I'm sorry, Karina. If only you were a boy. But I am a boy. DAN: Okay, everybody, we're live in five!

This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome. Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut. Actually, you know something, Peter, this could be an opportunity for you. What do you mean? Well, Lois's dad is loaded. You could probably get him to pay through the nose to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter.

Hello. If you're watching this, it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed. As a result, I'm now dead. KENNETH: That's not it. If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885. KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom.

(SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING) Joe, I need to use your bathroom.

Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING)

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot. You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust.

Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate. Peter, you don't know karate. And stay away from Muffy. She's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father, 'cause we're more alike than we know. No one, no one

Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go! Or what? Or... I don't know, man, but you're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean.

I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance. Ahh! Ahh! Jeez, Lois! What is that? Acid?

Stop--Stop it.

Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, which... Which Iraq war was that again? Was that the one from before I had a cell phone or the one from after I had a cell phone? After MySpace but before Twitter. There was a time before Twitter?

(SCREAMING)

See? There's a lot going on here. Lot going on. It actually... It actually gets pretty watchable.

They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo! Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

He needs to learn it on his own. Why don't you get him a job or something? Whoa. Freeze-frame! That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. Go--Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her.

(SCREAMING)

On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael. I have to tell you about your future. Peter, Stewie is on the roof. Nick Jonas is so cute. - Hey, Peter. - Yeah. Pillow fight! You bastard! (ALL LAUGHING)

He's in jail. Dad, my God, are you ok? Don't be using the Lord's name in vain! He's ok! Thank God! It seems he broke into the old mill after hours. We found him working on a kick press. Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it.

Going through your stuff. Why were you getting MapQuest directions to Abigail Breslin's house? I just think she's a one-of-a-kind spirit, and I don't want to see her go down the wrong... What the hell are you doing going through my personal stuff?

Did you try the chicken, buddy?

Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me?

What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know. I see. Your silence says it all.

But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car.

You fool! (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS)

Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it. Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy. Well, Peter, there have been a lot of changes in Joe's life, and maybe he just needed to move on.

Now we know what to get him for Christmas. I love the holidays. Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control.

"don't stick me with broken pieces of cracker, you miserable dickheads! "Regards, Mort Goldman again."

Well, I guess we don't have a choice. I am oddly prepared for this. Brian, I know this is gonna sound petty in light of the fact that we just actually ate the flesh of another human being,

Or maybe not!

Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money!

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.

Uh-huh. Chris, can I see you in the kitchen? PETER: (WHISPERING) This is not working out. This is not working out at all. - CHRIS: Dad, Dad, look. She's trying. - PETER: No. No.

I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

Andy Dufresne, the man who crawled through a river of poop and came out clean on the other side. Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman. It's against my religion. Believe me, Neil, it's no thrill for the pig to touch a Jew either. Okay, how about you, Meg, how are you doing? Pretty good.

I thought you were supposed to get the suit and the top hat. I liked this one better. Anything to wear a dress, huh? Gosh, you're swell, Meg.

You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it.

Well, that's good, right? We want him hurt. Are you using your brain? We're lucky if we come out of this without a lawsuit. Ow! STORMTROOPER: Freeze! Okay, now you're in a laundromat, and there's only one available machine,

Sir, yes, sir!

It's an actual prop from Family Ties. This is one of Nick's garbage sculptures. Yeah. Pretty thoughtful, isn't it? Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass! Lois, I'm sorry. I just... I let my jealousy get the best of me.

It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you!

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him. Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse. You make your doo-doos, Joe? Shut up. You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh.

Brian, this is Lee. Lee, this is Brian. I know Lee from Starbucks. MAN: Hey, is that Desiree? That's it. I mean, I don't know what else I can do. The wedding's tomorrow, and she hasn't shown any signs of leaving Derek. I've completely run out of options.

You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it.

I was so consumed by power and money, I became the very thing I set out to destroy. Hooray, I'm mayor again! Don't we need to have a whole new election? There. Now no one will have heard him say that. We all heard him say it.

Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese.

Oh, Are you playing Lady Thiang? Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna. Oh. Well, They did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful. Ok, let's go from the top of Scene 7. Action! "Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you.

That's probably it. (SENSOR MAKES BING-BONG SOUND) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent!

I am going to turn that team around. And we'll challenge the Patriots to a game, and we'll kick their ass! Oh, man, what an attractive woman. (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hey, Brady, you're dead! Listen, Leno, you keep calling here and threatening me, - I'm gonna notify the police. - Leno?

Hey, Pull over, you bastard!

Oh, Here are the marsupials. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.

It wasn't funny, and we'll work on it and get back to you.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one.

Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's. I don't know, Lois.

That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.

You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion. We should spend some time together as a family. I don't think so, Lois. But the world is ending. We should be spending these final hours with the people we love most.

(ALL SCREAMING) Hello?

All aboard. All right, everybody. This is a... Hey, where the hell is everybody? Oh, we haven't had a paying customer in months. Nobody rides the train anymore.

I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers. Well, game night was a success. Peter, you do know that all your questions were incredibly easy. Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons. You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?

Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

(SCREAMING)

I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.

we'll select the legs most suited to your body from our inventory of donors. Hey, what about these? Good choice. These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious. I'll take them.

Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy. How do you not know about trick-or-treating?

Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in.

Okay, I'll behave. Yes, you will. Look, Peter, all I'm saying is, those guys have been with Daddy for years. How are you supposed to run that company without them? That's it, Lois, you're fired. Chris, you are now Meg's mother. Ooh, Peter, your muscles are so muscley. I am gonna plow you so hard later.

Oh, my God! NO! It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."

Hey, I just got a crazy idea! Aah! Why? Why? Why? Hey, I just got another crazy idea!

Well, I gotta get going. I'm heading off to Vermont to get James' birthday present. There's this neat little store called Cattitudes that makes all this neat cat stuff. See you guys later. What a queer.

So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation. Don't you mean, just under the line? The day I'm corrected by a.... I'm sorry. Just please trust the analysis.

Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

You win.

Your Honor, I am so sorry for stealing all that stuff. I just couldn't control myself. Well, Mrs. Griffin, considering this is your first offense, I've decided to go lenient and... Where the hell is my gavel? Give me that.

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe.

Hey, wait a second. Where are we? Oh, no!

What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.

God's sake Could somebody get Patches out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt? Shh, It's ok. We'll meet you in the parking lot. Oh, God, Lois. I need help.

I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here. Absolutely. The children get to play our games. And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize. I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live. They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors,

Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello. Lois, you can't possibly be considering working for Fox News. Well, why not? Why not? Because they're evil, and they distort the truth, and they do the bidding of the Republican Party!

Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin!

Stewie, wait! It's too dangerous! I won't let it end like this, Brian!

But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here?

(STAMMERING) What is this? What's going on? Apparently, Chris and Meg are switching places with Peter and Lois for the week.

Man, that really makes me mad. Illegal immigrants coming into this country, taking all the good jobs away from Americans. Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on. We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air.

Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this. (SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her.

Morning, Rush. Hey, thanks again for letting me stay here.

Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade.

All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower. Now I'm going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool. Now, no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into, or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose,

But this is my house, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me.

It makes us all feel a little less guilty. For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time. Okay, everybody, time for paintball.

So, these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes?

Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil. Stewie, eat your oatmeal. Honey, you're a wonderful husband, a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand, a very devoted son. That's a nice thought, Lois, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you.

That doesn't make you a man, Gary.

Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna,

WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

Count to three? Yep. One, two... One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no! Good Lord, what have I done? I better get the hell out of here.

Now drive. Man, I never thought it would end like this. Why, what did you imagine? Basically the same thing, only Nathan Lane. Now, drive! (ENGINE STARTS)

He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine!

Log on now. (MUSIC PLAYING) All right, let's tally up those responses. Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Melon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School.

HEy, You're on K.I.S.S. Forum. Yeah. Um, K.I.S.S. sucks! W-whoa! Whoa! Ho! Ho! Trace the call! Trace the CALL! Yeah, um, they suck big time, man. They bite ass! Wait a sec. I recognize that voice. Is this Dennis DeYoung, lead singer from Styx? Come clean, man.

No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower! And I'm a boy! (ALL EXCLAIMING) A perfectly normal little boy! Who also happens to be a transvestite. Which begins with the letter "T."

MADAME CLAUDE: Months rolled by, and Griffin and Lady Redbush continued to flourish happily in the colony of Quahog, completely unaware that King Stewart was on the march. CHORUS: There was a peaceful town called Quahog

Usually people just find me awkward. I have a hard time with small talk. Did you find everything you were looking for? Eh, I did all right for a guy who just had his first homosexual experience with his guitar teacher.

Hey, where is Brian, anyway? (FRANTIC BARKING) Oh, thanks, Lois. Dylan put this paper bag on my head and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get it off. That kid's a sociopath. Well, it's time you laid down the law with him. I couldn't agree more.

Here we are, Brian, safe and sound. - Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair. - Now, now, no arguments, Brian. I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe.

- Hello. - That's not funny! Peter, this is ridiculous. We came here to take Chris home. Why are we staying? Because I'm tired of being treated like crap at work.

Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled. Oh no, Peter, how could they do that? Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule.

Sorry, I was dialing the phone. Are you all right? Yeah, Don't worry about it. Doesn't look like there's any--

Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone? Oh, sure. (STATIC BUZZING) Thanks. That was weird. Did you hear that when I was giving her the phone? No. It was like interference or something.

That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

Peter, how are you doing that? I don't know, Lois. I'm scared. Well, come down. I can't. Get help. Call somebody. Who do I call? I don't know. A police... A fire... A scientist! Call a scientist! Okay, you kids stay here with your father. I'm gonna go find a scientist. Am I gonna die?

Did I miss it? Did he cry yet? Oh, come on, dog. Cry for me. There, there you are. Oh, yeah. Cry for Stewie. Life isn't what you thought it would be.

Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame.

Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way,

Aw, Susie's so cute! I can't wait to have a baby someday. Oh, Meg, we've talked about this. In order to make a baby, a man has to be aroused enough to ejaculate. Sorry, Dad, I forgot. That's all right, sweetie. Now you run along and play in the mud. Attention, everyone, this is a twist tie.

We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty.

Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)

I don't know what seven of those words were.

Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change. Oh, Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined. Yeah. hey, Where's Stewie? He's upstairs, resting up for his big day.

I know. And that's why I'm prepared for you to arrest me and take me to jail where I belong. I just couldn't take the stress anymore. I had to come clean. I mean, the truth is I didn't even stop to find out if he had an owner.

Peter, living room? No, Lois. Kitchen.

Peter, you awake? It's a beautiful day. Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't die from that weird sleep-breathing thing I have. (SCREAMS)

This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler. Edgar, could you bring me some tea? Yeah! Yeah! Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered.

I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane?

(BEEPING)

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then.

Ahh! uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! No! Whoa!

Well, who knows what else we changed.

Now, you got to bring that out or else I have nothing to react to. Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

Though by many they're abhorred Hebrew people I've adored

What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little... There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it again!

I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow. Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it! You're not uncomfortable, are you?

What am I gonna do, Brian? James Woods has taken my life and my family. I know, Peter, but identity theft is one of the hardest things to fight. How you gonna handle it? I don't know, Brian. All I know is, I sure do miss Lois. I gotta find a way to see her. And I think I just got an idea.

It's good to have land. (LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George?

I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show.

(SNORING) (SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you.

ahh!

James, what are you doing here? What's going on? Hello, Peter. Would you like some cold roast beef?

Did you find the place ok? No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

There. I did it. Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out. (CHUCKLING) I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it? Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this? I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it.

Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money. "0, Captain! my Captain!" No, you're actually misunderstanding. "0, Captain! my Captain!" Well, if it works for you, I guess.... "0, Captain! my Captain!" What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "0, Captain! my Captain!" In your case, I'd get the money up front.

Come on, Anne, sing along. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch. The one I love forever is untrue And if I could you know that I would fly away with you

Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance. They're probably just shy or scared. Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom. I finally got up the guts, but i--I had this damn nervous twitch.

Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

Oh, Then allow me. Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois!

Will you sign my ass? Do You have a pen? Hello-- Hello, Death? Guess where I'm calling from? A planE! That's great. LisTen, those kids on board? Yeah. Uh, uh... A-About that, I-- I don't think I can go through with iT. Peter, listen, without death, the world would be a terrible place.

Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman. Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam! Unless I'm confusing you with someone else. Nope. That was... That was you.

Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

Do you want to know something? That's okay. You don't need Quagmire to like you. You only need one person to like you, and that person is you. And I'll tell you something else. I like you. Thanks. You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Wow. If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in,

I saw that on a 2-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday. What the hell is Gatilsday? Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline. But the Gumbel show is sacred to us. Bryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have someday. Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers. Oh, Nice. Just because they're black,

Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry.

Brian, AA's been around for years. It's helped a lot of people get over their addiction. No, it hasn't. They've just traded one addiction for another.

Oh, my God!

"Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day? But hey, I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face! Mom! now, Honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine. Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And He said it through a hole in his throat.

What the hell am I gonna do? I don't know, Peter. If you have sex with her, you give her all the power. If you don't have sex with her, you're gay. You can't win. You can't do anything, Peter. These days, women have all the power in the workplace. You know, I never told you guys this, but my police captain is a woman. One day, she wheeled me into her office and then made me have sex with her.

Yeah? We love this pilot! Oh, my God, I felt like Hitler just then. What? It was a joke. I just said I felt like Hitler. What? Nobody here's Jewish, right? Gee, I don't know. Are you Jewish, Gordon? I don't know, Jeremy, are you?

(ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert.

It looks like we've got a winner, Tom. Face it, The Clam is doomed. Come on, guys. we can't give up now. Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed. Especially that Coyote Ugly theme.

On which we used to rely

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too.

There's something I always wanted to ask you. You were with a lot of girls. Did you ever get a sexual disease? Herpes twice. And the clap. aay!

Love her? No, of course not! Me and Lois? That's sick! I mean, Come on. She's my best friend's wife. Mmm-hmm. Look, Look, I love Lois, but I'm not in love with her. Mmm-hmm. Who are you trying to convince, Brian? Me or you? Oh. Brian, Brian, what a mess.

Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street! JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day.

You better hurry up and land. The last half hour, I've been having all pee dreams.

That's the worst thing that's happened to me since... (GASPS) You wouldn't! It's up to you, Peter. Either you leave now, or I set up one of your random flashbacks. All right, all right, all right. Okay. Peter, what do you care... No, no, Brian, he's serious.

Ahh! Oh, Lois, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose, and--and On the way out, I think one of them muttered something anti-Semitic. We're almost home, honey. Oh, look. There's the star on the town Christmas tree.

Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman. This is where they edit the show together.

And Look how happy you've made everyone.

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No!

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt.

Unless you know someone who's a compatible organ match and would be willing to donate one of theirs. I'll do it. He could have one of my kidneys. Well, we always check spouse records for compatibility. I'm afraid you're not a match. But it turns out you are a match for a little girl who's dying in that next room over there. Oh, well, how 'bout we concentrate on this family, Doctor?

(SNORTS) Now, whatever you do, don't say his trigger word. - What? - (SCREAMS) That's his trigger word! (SCREAMING) Don't yell! His parents were slaughtered by yellers. Just submit. I am submitting! It's getting worse!

I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right. Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie. I babysit now 'cause I'm growing up. I'm so getting hair down there.

It was difficult for Twink to play with other children. He--he--He was different.

Go... Go roll around in the sandbox... In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around! Well, here we go. You know, buddy, I'm really gonna miss having a dog. Hey, what do you say you be my dog one last time, huh?

And I always heard me nana talk about how she took a duke. Must've been a difficult marriage, too, 'cause every afternoon she'd be bellyaching about her bloody duke. I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow. And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty.

What? What is that? (QUIETLY) Let's use our eyes to see.

Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Oh, man! When that-- When that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole... Oh. Where do they get their ideas? Huh? Where do they get them? You're the writer. You tell me.

(GROANING) You fool! (GRUNTING)

- Well, we should probably head home. - Definitely. Um, the only thing is, I'm a little short. Is there any chance you could cover me for the ticket? Let me see how much I have. Good news! I have just enough. ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) Now departing for Providence. Hey, did you guys see O?

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind!

(CHRIS SCREAMING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right.

Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! You... You have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute. (CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium.

Hey, those people look familiar. (SCOFFING) That's Heidi and Spencer. I don't really talk to them. Wow! Spencer does look like a monkey. Spencer, I am so over your selfishness. What do you want? I came out to Hollywood. I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind! So, why don't you think before you say things for a fucking change?

Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Um, If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes. Peter, Listen, the bank's taking all our stuff. And according to this if you don't pay them within 48 hours,

Loretta, they have some of that 3-bean salad you're so fond of.

You know, maybe she wasn't dead. I'll admit it, I'm not great with that stuff sometimes. All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven?

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out!

I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't. If I had known having a son could be like this... How dare you? I didn't know! You have no right, man. No right. It wasn't my fault. (CRYING) You weren't there for me. Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING)

Joke's on you

It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin.

Uh-oh.

Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.

That's great, too. Okay, bye, Bonnie. See you tomorrow. Bye.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. (FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind.

Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here.

Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. You know what we should do?

Guys can marry other guys now. So... This is awkward, but, uh, I mean, if they can do that, that's pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean, you might as well pack it in. Game over. Alyssa, hi. I--I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something sometime?

You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to. But the lucky one was me. And from there, our romance blossomed.

(CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What?

Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was!

He's a bad fit, like a crocodile at an alligator rally. Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out! Yeah! Yeah! Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it! Yeah! Yeah! And sometimes walking out onto a dry plain or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then!

I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.

Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. $50! She had 9 S.T.D's. $45. And when We caught her, she wet herself. $50. Excuse me. Are you gonna sell anything that's not gross? And now our next item.

We got hostages in here! Don't try anything funny! Don't worry, Brian. I got a plan. Oh, Good. I was afraid you were just gonna improvise. Oh. Actually, I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell. But improvise, that'll be easier on my back. Ok, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wifE.

English - US - Line 21

Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order. (LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)

What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Oh, my God.

How's it going, Adolf? I'll have you know my grandparents died in the Holocaust. (CHUCKLING) No, I'm just joking. They were there, though.

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here! Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened?

I love you, Lois. You know that, right? Just in case, I'll say it again. I love you. Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie. Look at that little foot. I'm gonna eat that foot. (LAUGHING) Give me that foot, it looks delicious. Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God. Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious.

Oh, there you are. That was the worst night of my life.

Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire!

That'd be like stealing from the insurance companies. It wouldn't be right. Oh, they're bastards. Last year, after I lost my beloved Muriel, our life insurance company refused to pay on her policy. They took what should have been a pleasant experience and made it into an ordeal! Well, that doesn't totally surprise me.

All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C.

Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

So, what's with you? No Valentine's Day plans? (SCOFFS) No. I've had it with Valentine's Day. I'm sick of all of it. Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just...

and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk. Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do. Practicing? What for? The competition. You're gonna be my first champion. Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk. Hey. Hey, everyone! Look at me!

Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on.

Good morning, class. Starting today, we have a new student. Peter, would you like to introduce yourself? Hi. My name's Peter Griffin. I was actually in third grade a long time ago, but I never finished. Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her.

I hate you!

but that's a part of it, but it's not the whole thing. (SCREAMING)

And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl. Oh, Bonnie, I'm so happy for you! DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What? Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby.

We can.

But then again I'm not the instructor, am I? Oh, yuck. What happened to my ear? We pierced it. Oh, yeah. A lot of crazy shit went on last night. Well, we were both drunk. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right.

God, I've looked forward to this moment more than the second coming of Jesus.

No! Right! Go! Go, go, go. All right, twist it counter-clockwise. I am twisting it, you're twisting it the other way.

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

What the deuce? Why the hell would she respond positively to such a negative comment? Unless... Brian, do women like it when you treat them like crap? Well, I don't know if you want to be that black and white about it.

I got you into this, and I'll get you out of it. No, Peter. When we got married, we agreed to share our lives, good times and bad. So? So we'll solve this problem. Wait? You mean together? Yes. Because together we can do anything, face any foe, overcome any obstacle. Yeah, climb any mountain,

You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

You see, the U.S. government believes that one of these sleeper agents is right here in Quahog. Now, you two individuals live here. Are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely? Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about, but it's mainly because he's so funny. Well, look, we'd be happy to help in any way we can. Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians?

Here, watch. (PLAYING ME OL' BAM-BOO) Now, everybody gather round and listen if you would

Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this?

Okay. Now, remember to play it cool. Act like you belong here. (SHOUTING) Oh, my God, Miley! I love you! I love you! I love you! I'm your biggest fan! Can I touch your hair? Who are you guys? How did you get back here? Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby.

So I decided to sign him up for fat camp.

Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer.

This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School. Goat flu? You got to be kidding me. Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this.

I feel terrible about this whole thing. Look, Why don't I just put us up at a nice hotel for a coupla days? Oh, That's a great idea, Brian. It'll be like a little vacation.

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

Ugh! Ugh! Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian.

It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? (DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)

So we's all gonna have to stay here until we's unanimous in our verdict. Well, so what if that woman at the orgy couldn't see? There's plenty of other evidence that West is guilty. Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home. Don't look, Marion. Okay. By the way, I'm pregnant.

Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered with something that resembles egg crates, except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie. Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?

We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go. That's why that little symbol with the two crossed arrows is up there in the corner. There's your problem. Oh, my God! I feel silly. But I can't do anything about it. My device has been destroyed. Well, I've got one of my own. I can use it to send you back. Hold on, I'll get it.

Look, Daddy, I agree with what you're trying to do, but I just don't think this is gonna work. It's so artificial. You're asking for a spanking, young lady. Yeah! QUAGMIRE: All right!

Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him! What about Seamus? You hated James Woods. You told me so! Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today. (SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain.

All righT!

Yeah, you know, it's like we handicapped people say, "When life ruins your legs, you just got to make legonade." I can sort of relate to that. You know, sometimes it's really hard being me, and I guess I just make Megonade. That sounds disgusting. All right, we're here. (BLOWING) (BREAKS SQUEAKING) This is my school.

Dirty whores, all of you. Hey, Peter. Lois, we got a problem. I think Ryan Reynolds is in love with me. What? Don't be ridiculous. It's true. Last night we were at this restaurant, and he tried to gay kiss me. I'm telling you, he wants to get with me. Peter, come on.

Damn! Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work.

PETER: Hey, Stewie. Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh! (STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth?

Guys, this is the best dirty bookstore in town. Family owned, great hours, and lots of parking in the rear. Get it? Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean. Carol Burnett works part time as a janitor.

Would you stand on one leg? SurE. Would you act like a monkey? Uh-huh. Would you kill a man? Um, uh, well...

How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do. (CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days.

Run, Patrick, run! After him!

It's a pleasure, Lois. Who's the little guy? This is Stewie. Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME.

Just take it off

which would account for Scotty's memory loss.

Okay, these are a maybe.

What was that? Dad, I think that was just a cricket. Then what the hell was that? That was just me saying, "That was just a cricket." Dad, settle down. There's no one out there, Peter. You sure? Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's probably just a... Did you guys lock the truck? Dad, we don't even have a... What the hell is going on out there?

Eli, I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable, but I don't think running away is the answer. I know, Mrs. Griffin. And I am sorry.

Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

All right, this is the place. We got to see if we can find Briggs's girl. Hey, we're looking for a stripper named Tanya. She here tonight?

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.

Kiss off! Yeah!

Peter, your word is "tree." Can you use it in a sentence, please? There is a tree by the lake. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree, where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other. T-R-E-E. Tree. Correct.

The next laser rock show will begin in 20 minutes. You hear that, Brian? A laser rock show! Come on, cheer up, would you? I don't much feel like iT. Binary code is the language of computers in which words are translated into sequences of zeroes and ones. Anything at all can be expressed in binary

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Hey, I say who cares, you know? If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us, I say we should let them. JASPER: Oh, no! What's wrong? Look. Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriages next week.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it! I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" And then when you did, I was like, "I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm. Remember how they only needed little girls?

- Peter, calm down. He's just your father. - Yeah, but I love him. His folksy racism, his l-don't-care-where-l-am flatulence. And the way it always seems like he's chewing, even when there's no food in there. (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hiya, Dad. - Francis, it's so good to see you. Lois, you haven't changed a bit, you lying bitch.

PETER: Hey, Dreyfuss, where you going? Get back here. Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quahog? My nephew's in the play. God, can't you go anywhere these days without these damn paparazzi? (SIGHS) PETER: Where you going? Oh, you going to the bathroom? You going to have a close encounter of the turd kind? (PETER LAUGHING) Hey, I think you're gonna need a bigger boat! (LAUGHS) These jokes are for you, Peter,

Driver's license, Social Security card, passport, title to the house.

so, you know, I got to tell you, that makes me feel pretty great.

Sorry, sir, private party tonight. I'm a friend of Dave Navarro's.

I'll have to think about it. I mean, this is a life-altering choice. You know, like an Italian choosing to get glasses. Okay, read the third row down, please. (READING)

Yeah, serious problem. Good. Now, go in your purse, take out $40 and put it in the bag. All right, Lois, you're kind of scaring me now. I... I don't have $40. All right, I understand. I'll be back tomorrow for the $80. And I'm taking your welcome mat.

(TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef. - Up yours, Sting! - Yeah, yeah! Hey, what's that song he does that I hate? Uh, Desert Rose. Yeah, yeah, that song sucks. (ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)

This is a shakedown. Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work. Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out. So, in conclusion, Peter Griffin, you've inspired me... to distrust all mentally challenged parents. Thank you, Your Honor. And thank you, Agent Jessup, for your comically misleading remarks.

And his great grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher. Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why? Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad. Ok. Settle down, spaz.

Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts. Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.

Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums. I'll start packing. I'll start packing.

No! She'd ruin it!

I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's just that she's my sister. No wonder her husbands all left her. Well, that's what her problem is. She has such low self-esteem that every time a man shows her the slightest glimmer of attention, she rushes into something serious and gets her heart broken like a teenage girl. Hey, Tyler, you on your way to Algebra? Yeah, I'll see you there.

Wow! Look at all this cool stuff! Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd.

Now, Miss O'Keefe, the flowers in your paintings, what do they represent? Oh! Wow, that's a really good question. (MUTTERING) Hmm... (MUTTERING) (BLOWING RASPBERRY)

I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked!

Peter! You've been eating my legs?

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it? Oh, I got a guy.

God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again!

I will pay you double. Perhaps we can work out another arrangement. Oh, please, Senor. Not my beloved! Armando, Armando, it is for the children. (SOBBING) (WHIMPERING) Yes. Yes.

Lois, are you out of your mind? We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see?

Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup! Ball in a cup

- Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here? Don't they have bookstores at the Nazi fascist... Fascist fat camp where he... Where he go...

Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

You remember. Surfside 6 who lives there? Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk! Mama, doggy scary! Brian, have you lost your mind? He's just a baby. He doesn't know what he's doing.

Meg, what's wrong? I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!

Six months later, I was asking her to marry me. What took me so long, right? (ALL LAUGHING) All right, we're running out of time. We gonna get this orgy started or what? What? (ENUNCIATING) We are running out of time. Are we going to get this orgy started or what?

That was a gift for the family. Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck!

I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just... You complete me, you know that? You just make me want to be a gayer man. Oh! Come here.

MAN: Roger that, Neil. NEIL: We came in peace for all the peoples of the Earth. MAN: We read you, Neil. NEIL: We chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. MAN: Had a lot of help down here, Neil. NEIL: We have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Connie's coming over to talk to me! Sit up straight! Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost. Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello.

We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

No, it's English. The whole thing's English.

That's a bed head.

Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

Oh, you're dead, Joe Swansonson. JOE: My undercover name was Swansonson. Easy, Briggs. You kill a cop, they'll put you away forever.

So... Hintedy-hint-hint. Boy, this is gonna be long.

Then how do you explain these? undefinedSo what? So, I have some paintings. As this how you want me to look? Come on, Karen. Do you hate your body so much... you have to reduce every painting of the female form to pornography? Don't you do that. Don't make this my fault. It is your fault. I just want to come home and have dinner. And have my wife say, "Hello, how was your day?" That's impossible for you.

I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act?

(CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

I have a hard time with small talk. Did you find everything you were looking for? Eh, I did all right for a guy who just had his first homosexual experience with his guitar teacher.

Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

- Huh? - Doodie. Peter, jury duty is an important cornerstone in our democratic society. Yeah, that's what separates us from the monkeys. That, and the armed guards at the zoo.

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

Is it me, or did she just make that weird? Please. It was definitely not you.

But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

Hi. We here at Family Guy want you to know that we respect all living beings and assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of this episode. But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance.

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that? (STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning.

(BEEPING) Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING) (PEOPLE APPLAUDING) (SINGING)

(SNARLS) Thank you for joining me at my humble manor.

Oh, yes! God, yes! Take me! StewiE!

Everybody makes mistakes. Even doctors. (CHARGING) You forgot to say... I forgot to say "clear." Ah, finally, back to my old life. Hello, Internet porn. Man, I haven't done this in two weeks. I should weigh myself before and after.

Stewie, do you wanna try out for Mommy's play? Ahem. "Now is the winter of our discontent "made glorious summer by this sun of York. "And all--"

You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts? Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland. I need some passion in my life.

We won, you dicks! You suck! Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down?

Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

Lois? What are you doing here?

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Tuesday on Scarecrow and Mrs. King. My God, what did those drug dealers do to you? Oh, they took my chest out and threw it over there. Then they pulled my legs out and threw them over there. Brian, you're still watching TV? God, you've been sitting there since I left.

Don't go in there unless you want everyone to yell at you. (PETEY'S FUNHOUSE MUSIC PLAYING) Hi, kids, I'm Petey Griffin. ALL: Hi, Petey! We're going to have so much fun on Petey's Funhouse today, but before we begin, your friend Petey wants to sing you a song.

We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

HellO? Hey, Lois. is Peter there? Oh, hi, Quagmire. No, Peter's not home. We're, uh, We're having some minor marital problems. Our therapist has advised us to date other people. Hey Lois, you want to go out? What? We-- I don't know, Glen.

Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey.

STEWIE: Hey, fat ass! I got news for you. The News of the World! (SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING)

Lucky there's a family guy

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky! (GROANS) Quagmire, how would you like to help me commit suicide?

Stewie, you're not a race car driver. And if you don't let me go right now, you're gonna lose your dad. (SNIFFLING) But Brian, I... I don't wanna lose anybody! I don't... I don't wanna lose anybody! (CRYING)

Holy crap! I am freaking out!

Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open? And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away. We'll never get away with that! Oh, we just might. You see, I've got a lucky cat's foot.

Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.

You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do?

If I had known having a son could be like this... How dare you? I didn't know! You have no right, man. No right. It wasn't my fault. (CRYING) You weren't there for me. Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay.

Wait till you try it after a meal. Delicious! And after sex? Forget about it.

I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day.

Talk, damn you! I know you've been plotting to foil my plans of world domination. Who are you working for? The Libyans? The French? Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together.

I'll be right back with your ID badge. Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants? Oh, look, who's here. Mr. "I don't have time for your Little League games." Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

Oh, He's fine. You know, I was quite a troublemaker myself when I was a kid. Look, your--your parents will be home any minute. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? No, no, No. Go. Go. It'll be funny.

She's a goddamn over-priced call girl who got lucky once. (EXCLAIMS) That doesn't sound like an interview answer.

(MEG QUEEFING)

Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.

I have a Barney pen in my purse.

Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down. No. I'm not living my life without a mustache.

Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.

I see nothing! I know nothing! Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had. And you've had some pretty stupid ones.

Good morning? Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap. I hope my son is having a better time with your family.

Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta!

On the road again Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Damn it! That was Fox News.

Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it. I guess I thought that if I could bring you down, you wouldn't start to notice that you're too good for me and run off looking for another fella. Peter, that's ridiculous. I love you. Why? Maybe I like fat guys. You do?

Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon. All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed. Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you. What a weird little guy. Thanks, Joyce. How old do they usually live to be, by the way? Well, you never see a gray-haired one.

It's over, Leonard.

the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.

We've been up here for four days. Why did you drive the car into the air if you didn't know how to get it back down? Look, Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously, I didn't think ahead. It's so cold. Let's cuddle together for warmth. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm warm enough.

I will take Drakkar Noir. (WARBLES) (GUN SHOTS) (GRUNTING)

Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring? Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company. D... OT. Dot. B... Et.

Ahh! Are you The Matrix?

you were in a little over your head, but... Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was in over my head? Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing. Okay, then apologize. - I just did. - No, you didn't. You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle.

I don't know if I can keep going. Peter, I still don't understand. How the hell can we already be out of food? Didn't I tell you to bring Trail Mix? Yeah, but by that I thought you meant a set list of totally awesome tunes, which I do have. I got the power! And after this, it's Everybody Dance Now and after that, it's Come Baby Come.

Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies! Peter? Do it.

Uh, No. That--That's why we're on the road. Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad!

I'm Andy! I love you, Andy! Come on, guys, fight.

I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night.

I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit. Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango & Cash. So just Pay ft Forward and we'll all be Happy Gilmore. What?

I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee! Sheesh, Cleveland, your kid's a natural.

I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license. Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again! You're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

Um, I don't quite know how to tell you this, Mr. Swanson. You're paralyzed from the waist down. I know. Oh, Thank God! Oh! God, I was standing out there for, like, 10 minutes! Whoo! Boy, is that a load off!

(MILEY ROARING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GROWLING) (ROARING)

Go, go, go! Check! "Super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box "that will be delivered into the house." Hai! "Peter who hasn't answered "because something has gone terribly wrong." LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you there?

Hi. Peter Griffin. So, Where do you want to go?

Ooh. There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're cool." Joe, I think you're cool. Well, thank you, Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work. "No, just kidding, you suck." No, just kidding, you suck. STEWIE: "Queer." Queer. (SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

The man in white. Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!

Get ready for adventure. I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me!

It's me, John Wayne.

Well, thank you, Brian.

Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me. BAR PATRON: Oh, come on! Hang on, I'll fix it. Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead.

What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here?

And no one says anything, which means they hate it. Oh, God. I am so hung over. Me, too. But luckily, when I'm hung over, I can just molt into another Peter. (GROANS)

Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all. Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

Because you're the only one who looks this good in them. Damn, Griffin, you fill those out nicely. Why is there a dusty gas station and a Diet Pepsi machine in your office? 'Cause your car broke down, and you need to wipe a cold soda on your neck to cool off. Well, maybe I don't need to cool off.

That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight And a one, two, three, four And a five, and a six and a seven. Oh! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You're a happy guy when you plant the seed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.

(GROANS) Come on, math, you dick.

Hey, what's that sound? You're urinating! So it's been you all along! Oh, This is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex. Eww! It's everywhere!

That ought to confuse 'em. Yeah, but you hardly did anything.

You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

Roadhouse. That, too.

You know, when you talk, you sound a lot like my father-in-law,

I know you can do it if you put your mind to it.

Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits. Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this. Do I know you? I don't think I can do this.

Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But.... But I.... You....

Who are they trying to keep out of these things? And what's the deal with the razor-blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there? Hi, Andy Dick here. Excuse me. I've got to get my bag up in the overhead bin here. Oh! Whoa! no! No! ahh! Ha! Ha!

Hey, eye floater! Hi! Hey, hey, where are you going? Away from your pupil. Well, maybe I'll look over here! I'll go over here! You've got an answer for everything, don't you? (GUITAR PLAYING)

Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. I want to share the word of God with everyone I know, starting with my family. Now, everyone hold hands, because we're gonna say grace before we eat. Dad, would you like to do the honors? Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine. All right, Peter, this is it.

(SNIFFS) Oh, boy, I think this space food has gone bad. Peter, that's a fecal collection bag. Oh, there's a bag for that? 'Cause mine's over there twirling in the air like a slow baton. STEWIE: Well, someone's got to lead this marching band. Ew! MAN: Griffins, come in.

Got your nose, little guy. (SCREAMING) Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear. Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their A squad. I actually saw bullet wounds. You can't just take him places you want to go. He's a baby.

Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home! Quagmire, you rat bastard!

Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay? Oh, well, that's never happened before. Kind of don't know what to do next. So now you'll forget the whole thing?

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month. We'll be his period.

Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us. Have you seen any sign of Muriel? Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"! Aw, Forget the party.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world

Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself! Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this. I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep.

Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house.

What's going on here? Oh, We invited Neil's family over for dinner. Hi! Hello! You what? Yeah, We wanted to get to know 'em better. Seeing As how the two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin.

And we're all at least in our late 50s Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this?

Here you go. Oh, hang on now, Chris. Your fly's up again. Thanks, Mr. Herbert. He's so hot. (SIGHS) I'd love to talk to him, but I just don't know what I would say. Oh, I know all the things to say. Maybe I can help you out.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Christmastime is killing us! (COUGHING)

I was kind of right.

I represent the man whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday. You've piqued my interest. Go on. Unfortunately for you,

Wow. You certainly look a lot better than that walking corpse I saw last week. Well, no one's ever gonna see that again, I can promise you that. I can't stress how important it is our secret be kept from the public.

C-O-A-G-A... (BUZZER RINGING) Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. Bet you could spell "box cutter."

You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too. Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? (ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY) Wait! That man's an imposter. I'm the real Kevin Swanson!

A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane. (CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read.

It used to bay That you loved may But now it's nineteen-ninetay And I have to set

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done.

Juden! Rubben wir Schmutzen auf deine Arschneck.

(IMITATES PURRING) (MEOWING AND PURRING) I think you're dreaming. No, I'm not.

Yeah, uh, I bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you, and it just slammed me into a mountain. Sorry, no returns. I've been a customer here for years. I can maybe give you a store credit. But... Really? Well, I guess... What's the holdup in here? I'm taking care of it.

Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs. I wanna show you a freckle on my sack that I'm concerned about. It has irregular edges. (DOOR CLOSING) BRIAN: Peter, what are you doing?

Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you. - Me, too. - But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight!

You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No! Why is he freaking out like that?

Well, it wasn't me! Well, it wasn't me! Ah! Ah! Like this, listen to me

Yeah, I had one when I was in high school. aah! That'll be $27.50.

All right, there they are. All right, boys, it's candy time. Let's dig in.

Look, they're all eating each other, anyway! (SNARLING) Besides, we don't need 'em. I made a few modifications. Hang on.

And Cheryl should know that you took that class. Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch! (SNARLING)

And Griffin, right now, your son needs you to listen to him. Whoa! Sure. Whatever you say. Um, Fonzie? There's something I always wanted to ask you. You were with a lot of girls. Did you ever get a sexual disease? Herpes twice. And the clap.

Not all Asians are bad drivers.

Your husband's got a good heart, Lois, but his views on Judaism are a little misguided. I consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

which was weird. Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work... I have spoken!

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will!

Hey, New Brian. I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it?

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

aSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. - Sweetheart, that was a guy. - What? That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. What? No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. (CHUCKLING) Look at you out here, on a big trip.

Oh, my God. Stephanie was an accident. That's a way of putting it. What do you mean, Joe? This gun was timed to fire directly at that chair, where James Woods would have been sitting. But he left, and Stephanie was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

Mom, is this for real? Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie. It's the end of the world. Holy crap.

Yeah, it's been pretty great.

Here's your beer, honey. I don't remember asking for a warm beer. Well, I didn't want to quit working. You made me.

MAN ON TAPE: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.

Oh, for God's sake! Well, let me at least leave my car-insurance information for her. Is that your condom? No! I mean... I mean, I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I mean, I wouldn't... I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean, I would if I was having sex with her,

I'm shipping you out on the first boat to the New World! But I'm supposed to get married today. Oh, Yeah? Where are you going for your honeymoon? That medium-sized hill. Wrong! Seize him! (GRUNTS) MADAME CLAUDE: And King Stewart's cruelty was only just beginning. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he's not coming.

(SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie. Here's a little morphine. What the hell? You're not gonna stick me with that thing.

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! Peter, please calm down. Babs, I think it's time we went to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight. Whoa! Ahh! You can whip me all you like, white devil, but you'll never break my spirit!

Here's a cutaway.

- Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter. One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs.

Everyone seems to love this. We gotta watch it!

Heh, heh. I love you, She-Hulk. All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back.

Okay, and if I win, you have to go online and download that footage of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, and you have to forward it to all your friends with the message, "Oh, my God, look what I just found online! "Isn't this the funniest thing you've ever seen?" - So, is it a bet? - Yeah, fine.

I just needed someone to clear all the bats out of my plumbing. What do we do now, Bill? We write, Tim. We write our story.

I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. (POPS MOUTH) Peter, this is serious.

Meg, that was awesome. On the road again Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again

(CAR CREAKING) (GASPING) Oh, my God! Carolyn? Quagmire?

WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady.

Give it up Gotta give up the toad now ooo, ooo, ooo I'm no fool Lando's cool Yeah! You're the coolest, Lando! Yeah. We never spontaneously broke into song and dance before you arrived. I'll never touch another toad again. None of us will.

This looks like a safe place to rest. (DOGS BARKING) OFFICER: I think he went this way! Peter, close the card. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine. (GUNSHOTS) (CLEVELAND SCREAMING) Here, Peter, why don't you open my gift?

Oh, are they having an awards ceremony for how well you did the dishes last night? Ha! You got nothing going on. Hi, Brian. I'm Cathy from the book society. So glad you could come. Hi there. I... You know, I wasn't sure I had the right address.

- You wanna hook up? - Buy me something. I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool.

Daddy, now that I've finally passed my driver's test can I still get a convertible? No. But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart. And I'm proud of you, Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson.

(PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor. Our apologies, sir. I should imagine so. Now if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct. (CREAKING) Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose.

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again! Ah, The breakfast thing. Heh. Yes. I-i-It wasn't even about the eggs, really.

PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?

so I could cast you all.

Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial, but I think we can get through it. Me, too, Lois. It's just going to take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I better clear the air with Clinton. Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk. Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier. Well, you could always grab the vacuum and clean up the living room floor. Oh, sure, I'll take care of that. Are you running off to your job? Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We'll bring him down, Mom.

At my signal, unleash hell! What took you so long?

You know, I don't usually gush. So, You'll have to forgive me. But when I was writing Coast Guard... That's what I do, I'm a writer... Anyway, when I was writing Coast Guard, I couldn't think of anyone other than... Uh... There's a woodpecker on your head. Yeah, He comes and goes.

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

We're too late! Oh, my God.

Victory shall be mine!

Everybody still awake? All right, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel? And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption.

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

- (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun.

Who is this? How do you know my name? Give me back my son! Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law. Carol, how the hell are you?

Oh. I don't think I like feet as much as you do. Hey, everybody likes feet! Come on. The party's just starting. I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach! Hic-a-doo-la! We're gonna all hang 10 and maybe then Hic-a-doo-la!

Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. I could buy that. That sounds like something he'd do. Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that. Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact?

Oh, are we watching a movie? The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out!

Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions? No, I just keep the tips. (LAUGHING) All right, where's the CEO's office? I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom. Executive bathroom, sir? Yes.

Thanks to you. Well, your managed- to-keep-me-around- a-little-longerness, it looks like you managed to keep me around a little longer. I assure you, I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sight. Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!

Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry. I just came from that orientation seminar about college dating. Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis.

Hello, Lois. (GASPS) Patrick! It's been a long time. (HUSHED TONE) Peter, he's here! Wait a second, Lois. I want to go back to what you said about my patter singing. Who gives you the right? You know I carried Pirates of Penzance that season at Quahog Community Theater.

Oh, God, no, no.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, you. Uh, hey, Ryan.

And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch.

and that funny foreign guy who worked in the garage. Rieger, cab 402! Nardo, you and your luscious melons are in 315. now Get the hell out of here, you losers. Hey, Louie, what about the foreign guy? No way, Banta. He's a nut job. Come on, Louie, show a little compassion for once in your miserable life! All right! Can the waterworks. Jackie Chan, cab 302!

You're drunk again! No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking. Listen, Peter, if you keep this up,

What are you gonna name it, huh? What are you gonna name your he-she father-mother? Knock it off!

You know, I appreciate you letting me stay with you, but I'm perfectly capable of going to the bathroom by myself. Sorry, but there's a leash law in this neighborhood, and you never know who's watching. (EVIL LAUGH) I'm watching you make stool.

I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney! That's not the point!

Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Let's watch.

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

Take that, Orion. That's right. All you are is a failed production company.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert! Can you believe it, Cleveland? Lois thinks I'm bad with money. She's got a point, Peter.

Let's see, I guess 185 pounds. Wrong. I'm 95% helium. Brian, look what I won. Wow, what'd you win that for?

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

They'll do what you want. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe it, buddy. They will do what you want. Because they know. They know what you want. "Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. "Me, big American man." My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah.

Everyone I've told about the file is dead. What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires! Face it. He's never coming out of that coma.

You know, it's remarks like that that started the Holocaust, and I know none of us want that to happen again.

Yeah, but I got you good, Lois. Admit it. Just say it, I got you. (LAUGHING) Oh, all right, you got me. (BOTH LAUGHING) I told you. Oh, my God. Oh, no, what happened here? We got into a little accident. It's all right. Oh, no. Well, I guess accidents happen when you least expect them.

Damn it. We were so close to saving Meg. Hey, where's my sister? She's probably having her shish kabobbed as we speak. I heard that from Samantha in Sex and the City 2. (GIBBERING LOUDLY) I haven't seen it yet. That doesn't hurt the story.

I love this place. I love dive bars. Dive bars are my favorite. They're so much better than regular bars because worse is better. I know, right? They're my favorite, too. I'm quirky like that. I've got quirky taste. I'm a quirky girl. It seems like we would be perfect for each other. But really, we're terrible for everyone.

Keep the change. Road House.

Oh, nothing. He just thinks you're a bad influence on me. (LAUGHS) Thinks I should stop seeing you. He does?

(GASPS) It's gone! Where is she, Woods? What'd you do with the body? What body?

You like eating red carpet, tough guy?

Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad.

(GRUNTING) Give me that! Not on your life!

HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter. HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen. Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe.

Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?

Oh, that's okay. I'll get it. Have fun at work! Okay. Bye, Chris. What do you think you're doing? What? You, a man, are cleaning up a mess made by Anna, a woman, that she, also a woman, spilled on you, a man. So?

Pinkberry. I love my job. Yum, yum, yum... Hey, there, cutie. Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson.

Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know.

Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room... it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit. Man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. Always makes me feel so stupid. More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car? Damn it!

Well, sure. Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmm. No, thanks. I gotta get going. Oh, Don't make me beg, now. Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye. Get your fat ass back here.

(RETCHING)

So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something.

Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass. And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS! I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you!

Daddy? Did you, um, use the bathroom this morning? Yeah. And did you remember to clean up afterwards? Uh, no. I was hoping you would... - Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay. Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it.

Yeah, you're gonna be ok.

It's just this jerk that goes to my school. You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why. Is this the longest light ever, or what?

Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too? How long are you guys gonna be censoring us?

And now part 2 of our very own Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex. Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist.

One! Two! Three! Did you know where the Ukraine was because of my globe? No, I saw it in a book. You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick. Eight! Nine! Ten!

because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo!

Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson! We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Well, that was a close call. You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.

Who is this?

(BARKING) Who the hell are you? One lucky son of a bitch.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't mean to start anything. Let's just forget it, okay? We're having a good time. I don't want to forget it. How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole.

Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater. Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad." I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.

Yeah! ...on TBS.

(IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface.

Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down. Merry Christmas, buddy. Ha! Wonder what this could be? Oh.

And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of Hot dogs

Han? What are you doing here? Chewie? Is that you? Yeah, it's me. I got caught eating out of Jabba's trash. Well, I guess the good news is we're not being pushed into a giant anus in the desert. - What's wrong with your eyes? - I'm blind.

Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up.

Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good.

- Oh, my. - Right?

QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police!

Ahh!

Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind.

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub? Oh, well, At least they still got sports on T.V. The new bowler For sommerset is our spinner Heath Who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on 2 short legs. What the hell is he talking about? Oh, It's cricket.

No way!

"The first thing that Mrs. Donovan does when she gets home from school "is put on sweatpants. "Then she eats a whole tube of cookie dough, "but she must be allergic to it "because there are tears coming out of her eyes "and she always throws up right after. "Then she puts paper doll clothes on a picture of a sonogram."

We had the abortion.

Hmm, You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart.

Well, I'm gonna turn in. Yeah. Me, too. I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically cleansing the "Small World" ride. Oh, Come on. You guys practically run this country. There's gotta be a ton of fun stuff we could do.

Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know.

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked. Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie?

"when she let out a fart right near my face. "So I took her head and stuck it by my butt "and blew a huge fart right back at her."

Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "Phresh", and it's spelled with a "P-H". Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear on your pants, there. Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact, but you're just not gonna listen, are you?

oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality.

Everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this. He's right. We just gotta stay calm. With a killer in the house? Killer in the house. Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler,

They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off.

Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school?

Don't move, dirt bag! Ah, It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! This is great. This is the rush I've been looking for. Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks.

We are not lost. And even if we were you know I can't ask a human being for directions. Why not? Because I'm a man.

get on the flooR

Let me ask you this. Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape?

Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party.

Griffin, let go! Let's go?

"Not guilty." (ARGUING) ALL: Ew!

Or too late? Shh. It's starting.

Now, I know this person looks a little mixed-up, but watch carefully. If I move this down here, and this over here. And this part here. Anyone tell who it is yet? No? Okay, well, what if I move this here, and this here. And it's Dianne Wiest.

From the look of those toenails, I bet it's that little Lamisil monster. Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son. Oh, no way! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Good. Good for Brian. Brian, look at this. Now, this is a tasteful nude.

Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking, when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that.

LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend.

OH, Do you mind? Mind? Of course she wouldn't mind. It would be an honor. No, no, no, No. it would be a privilege. I-- Oh, dear. Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl. Come, come. You, heat up some gravy for our guest! My last helping of white meat was drier than Oscar Wilde.

and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and... (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! I know that sound! It means there's a potential intruder at the front door or one of my pals! Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello! Hello. My name is Blake Carrington.

Can I at least have that pen?

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

Just slide your leg over! Peter, pleaSE!

(BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS)

Like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out ofjury duty. Awful lot of honkies in here.

This isn't The Price Is Right. You said we were going to The Price Is Right.

Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter? You smell that? He's passed out drunk.

I don't wAnna wait For our livEs to be over Boy, miss jacobs,

Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life. I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here. Mine! Ah, It was so nice of Joe to work things out with that judge.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease. "Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away." Hey, you hear that, fellas? She misses me! (LAUGHING) You're all wet.

You may think that song and dance is dated, boring and dry But you might just learn to like it if you give it a try You could laugh and sing and dance as gaily as an elf But just in case you don't believe me Ask the man himself Mr. Kelly? Will you show us?

Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked. (NATIVES YELLING)

Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father." Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong."

Did you always know that's what you wanted to do? Well, actually, I really thought I was gonna be an actor at one point. I even got a few high-profile gigs. Really? Anything I've seen? Oh, you ever heard of a tiny little independent movie called Die Hard? Wow! You were in that? Sure was. Hey, what do you say we go back to my place and I'll show it to you? Sounds good to me.

Peter, I know it's a little extreme. But when it comes to our children, it's better to err on the safe side. Isn't that right? No. You know, Lois, if everybody was as closed-minded as you, the world wouldn't have some of its most inspired creations. Man, this chocolate bar is delicious.

Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow! What are you doing here? Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.

Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING) Where the hell is Quagmire? I don't know. He said improv rehearsal at 7:00, right?

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that? (STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home. What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet.

"It spun in. "There were no survivors."

Who'd buy a wrecked bar? The bar's not wrecked. All right! Oh, thank you, God. Don't mention it.

Peter, you can't keep using Cleveland's bathroom. Oh, my God. Yes, I can.

Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!

Oh, wait, I don't have any friends. I could set you up with Dad. Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg? I certainly would. There, Meg, everything's fine.

And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him. Ah, Mercy! I was once addicted to antihistamines. I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut. Yeah, that's a great story, too. SO, You all think you got what it takes to be jousters!

CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!

All right, apartment number two. We'll just pick the lock. What? What is that? (QUIETLY) Let's use our eyes to see.

No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death!

Reach for the sky, dirt bag! What the hell? I'm sorry, Officer. I was just trying to feed my family. I don't care what you were trying to do, you broke the law. I know. I didn't know what else to do. I have three very wide-eyed children to feed.

You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant?

even in the worst of times. No, thanks. But first, are you lonely, picked on, unappreciated, disliked, not totally happy with your physical appearance? Go on. Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey.

Whoa, whoa, What the hell are you doing? Don't eat that. Oh, For God's sake! Don't be such a nerd! Look, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. If Lois sees this, she'll kill me. You can let go of my hand now. You can let go of mine. - ah! - Ow! ahh! ugh!

Hello? Over here. Thank you for meeting us here.

Give me the damn phone! Little fella's sound asleep. But I'll give him that kiss for you. You suck! See you in 3 days.

(CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY) (DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY) (LIVELY TUNE BEGINS) Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable.

Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country, but the record wouldn't allow it. But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. And that's where Chris came into the picture. So, you got it all figured out, do you? You couldn't leave well enough alone. You won't fire at me, Chris, you don't got the stomach for it. (LAUGHING) I'm sorry, Dad.

So You're just gonna let them recast me? It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan "B." Brian, put a mask on. I have an announcement. "Meg Griffin's plane "was shot down over the Sea of Japan. "It spun in. "There were no survivors."

"So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop." Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd! Peter, how was your big presentation at Chris' class? It was a huge waste of time. Well, it couldn't have been that bad. Oh, it was terrible.

Whew! HERBERT: Luke, the Force will be with you always.

Guys ask her out all the time and I think she loses track. Oh, for God's sake! Well, let me at least leave my car-insurance information for her. Is that your condom? No! I mean... I mean, I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I mean, I wouldn't... I would not use a condom on your daughter.

I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way! Aw, Crap! Hold it right there! Or what? Don't shoot!

That's it, I'm getting those sneakers. After all, shoes make the man. Gentlemen, take your marks. (GUNSHOT) I'm a different kind of winner.

And whenever I come home at night and I walk in that door, what do you think I slip on? Monkey stool. (BOTH LAUGHING) Terrific. That's exactly what would happen. And every month, he's got a story for why he doesn't have his half of the rent. I'm not doing this! What do you mean, you're not doing it?

No one here but me.

I kill people and burp and watch so much porn. Isn't that cool? No. I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like. My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty. Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76. Let's burn this chick at the stake. I love steak! Other girls don't.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie,

Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication. And it's not even your name on the label. What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama?

Meg, that was awesome.

You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one?

I know my way around a joke.

Oh, well... Unfortunately, she left for dinner with another guy about half an hour ago. What? We had a date. Yeah. I'm afraid that's Nicole. She's 21 and gorgeous. Guys ask her out all the time and I think she loses track. Oh, for God's sake! Well, let me at least leave my car-insurance information for her.

Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up. (STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right. Well, it's one or the other, Brian. Geez, look at those two. They're goin' at each other like an Italian guy and a black woman. Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy,

Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap. Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David.

(SNIFFS) (SIGHS)

Oh, It's horrible, Lois. I've had to do all the things that you usually do. Like the other night, I had to go to your book club meeting. Well, I really admired the mother character's admission of personal torment after her daughter's death.

No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer!

(SMASHING)

We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch.

But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right. Girls! Girls! Girls!

My God, I've done it. After 80 years of work and research, I have written the greatest dirty joke in the history of mankind! (LAUGHING) (GRUNTING)

Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

QUAGMIRE: No!

I had a moment of weakness today, but, in a way, it's all right because it's taken me to a place where I now realize that you're not too old for me. Isn't that great? You're not too old for me! You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me. What? You cheated on me. That's what happened today. You can rationalize it any way you want,

Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

Good Lord! I am a genius. What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work. It created an evil clone of me. That's why I didn't feel more evil. All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied.

if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore!

Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you. Are you kidding? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you. I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

What's the charge, Officer? Driving without my phone number. Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful.

No experience? No, thanks. Oh, nuts. Young lady. What's the little guy's name? What do you care? Well, I can't send an unwed teenage mother out on the street without a job. Stewie. My son's name is StewIE.

Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin! Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess! PETER: No! You said I could have two friends over. And I didn't. Joe couldn't come. So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire,

Well, maybe you should talk to her. Peter, believe me. If she'd take me back, I'd go in a second.

I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off? You let me worry about that, kitten.

You're just having a near-death experience. Oh, Thank GoD! OH, Yeah, thank God. thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself! So, when am I gonna diE? About 2 years after your wife divorces you. What the hell are you talking about? Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met.

God! I would give anything to see his face right now. He's probably all, like, "Where the deuce is everyone?" Well, I can't really do a good Stewie.

Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter.

1541, Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel. 1886, Seurat completes La Grande Jatte. 1940, Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers that look suspiciously like vaginas. But in the new millennium,

Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been... Well, Who we kidding? You haven't made any progress. Now the left T.V. is tuned to Frasier.

Hey, What's up, Pete? Long time no see. Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you. Well, I owe that to my better half. Who is it, sir?

I'm gonna squeeze right in here, if my thighs will let me. (LAUGHING) Peter, what exactly did they inject you with? All sorts of things. Hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids, the gay gene, calcium, a vitamin B extract. - What did you just say? - The gay gene. I assume that's the one you meant, even though it wasn't literally the last thing I said when you said, "What did you just say?"

But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin. Francis.

(ALL LAUGHING) (SLURRING) (GROANS) (GASPS)

Yeah. Except for the time Dad hit that deer. Yeah, it looks like it's just a ding. There's no reason to involve the insurance companies. I should still take down your information. Really? 'Cause You could probably just buff that out. Yeah, but I... I would really feel better if I got your information.

You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet?

Wow! I thought you had to be in the NBA to hit a girl in the face. But I guess anyone can. Of course you can hit a girl in the face! They have faces, don't they? Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? You bet your ass I am. Look at you! You're pathetic. What kind of a man gets fired by a broad? A man with a female boss?

111-1113... "A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl?

(SCREAMING) (HUMMING)

Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard? Oh, Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs. Oh, God, kill me now.

God would totally do her He'd do her all the way Even call her the next day To see how her work was going (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss. Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei. Hello.

Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas. And Christmas is about gettin'!

I can't help it There's nothing I want more Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you

Now I can let loose my Darth farts. (FARTS)

STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here. What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party?

What the hell is this?

- I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape. Okay, well, I guess you can take my license. 'Course, it's all the way up here. Peter, knock it off. Give it to me. Right here. Here you go, Officer. Give me the damn license. Don't you want it? Here.

(FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow. Hey, guys, I'm going for a run. Do me a favor and keep Marian company while I'm gone. Uh, sure. Great. Bye, honey.

Weird.

And I will continue to sing! And... How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois. Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages!

Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings

(GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings

There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list

Well, Break a leg up there, Brian. Well, you seem awfully enthusiastic. Well, At first I wanted you to fail. But then I realized you'd be out of the house 5 days a week, which means I'd be free to throw some of my sexy parties.

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no!

Laugh and cry

Nip nip here, nip nip there And a bevy of porno stars There's jugs and mugs of Molson beer In Canadian nudie bars Dirty hos put on shows And a lot of 'em don't have scars They'll even take it up the nose

Yes. The team I like is kicking it. Oh, no. The team I don't like is kicking it. Yes. The team I like is kicking it again. I will celebrate with finger cymbals. (CLANGING) Hey, is that for real, that "Diarrhea Only" sign on your bathroom?

Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did.

I've been working nonstop. The only reason I didn't have to go myself is that South America isn't wheelchair accessible. Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out. We could be cops, right, Joe? Well, we have started an emergency training program at the police academy, but I'm not sure that you're cut out for the job. Come on, we'll be great cops.

What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life. Oh, my God. No, I'm just kidding. She's dead.

(BOTH WHISTLING) All right, Collingsworth, I got a hair. Now, just walk away casual-like and we're in the clear. Oh, no! Here come the coppers! (YAKETY SAX PLAYING)

This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. Remember?

(BOTH GASP) Oh, my God! Meg's dating a convict!

Like breathing out and breathing in I'm very grateful she's a woman and so easy to forget rather like a habit one can always break And yet, I've grown accustomed to her looks

(GROANS) What the hell are you... I'm cauterizing your tail. Trust me, I'm a nurse. (WHIMPERING) Brian? What's going on over there? (SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie.

(GARBLED SINGING) ...the fields of gold

MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Hills. Justin Bobby was supposed to be here already. - Are you still going out with him? - I guess so. I hate how he pushes his bangs out of his face with every word he says. Order me a beer. I have to find a spot for my motorcycle.

You're treating your vagina like a Red Roof Inn. That's not how it is, Stewie. She's doing something wonderful for a couple who can't have their own children and are too egotistical to adopt. You know what's interesting about Lois' vagina, Brian? Everyone in this room has been in there except for you. You're the only one who doesn't know what it looks like.

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider?

Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

Want to go for a swim? Sure. You're a girl? Of course I am! Oh, my God!

I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go! Or what? Or... I don't know, man, but you're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean. Or else... Or I would stop you. For God sakes, help! Do something!

(YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look.

Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris" They shine like sunny weather

It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella.

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba!

than you doesn't mean he's any smarter.

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

Brian, listen to me. I was wrong. If 2 people love each other, they should have the right to get married. But you have to come down and give yourself up. If you drag this out any longer, you're only hurting your own cause.

What the devil are you talking about? You said The shots were supposed to make me healthy! You actually believe Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy? I mean, you were already healthy, right? Oh, God! You're right! I--i was--I was pink as a pistol! "Pink as a pistol!" Good Lord! I can't even form a cogent simile anymore! What was in those needles?

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

You want to say your grade point average, too?

We could offer you the guest room, provided that it doesn't bother you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there. Oh. I guess not. Uh, When did he die? We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show.

...you! Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not.

Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!

Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman! Take out your pencils and start your test. Um, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for this test, but I got a good reason.

You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch.

Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois. What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own? That's insulting. And you know what? I don't like the way you've been talking to Rush this evening. You know, I thought you were my friends. But if you can't accept me now that we disagree about certain things, then maybe you aren't the friends I thought you were. I'm moving out.

And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer. STEWIE: Lois? (SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom?

Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you. Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

Brian, what are you doin' here? I should ask you the same question. Lois, you're in an auto parts store, stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing.

Now, would that be cash or check? Drop by Cherrywood this evening. I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account. Ah, Very good, sir. You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right.

I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this. But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time. Wow. Well, all I want is for you to be happy. You're my dad. And if you're happy, I'm happy for you. I'm sorry, Dad.

The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist

You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these? (Announcer) This July, let he who is without sin kick the first ass.

Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

You know, Chris, a little friendly advice. Uh. You're gonna start dating soon. Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that.

Han, that's kind of dark.

It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it?

Hey, Brian, care to place a wager? Tomorrow night on Fox's Celebrity Boxing, I've got Carol Channing beating Mike Tyson in three rounds. Carol Channing. You've got Carol Channing, the actress, beating Mike Tyson, the boxer. Hell, give me $50 on Tyson. Well, you're in good company.

ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch," text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero,

Ahh! Well, well. Naptime appears to be over. Go ahead! Finish me off! My one regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman. What the-- How the devil do you know about Lois?

All right, here I go.

BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat? I got another cat.

Oh, Sorry. And his great grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher. Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why? Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad. Ok. Settle down, spaz. In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses.

Listen, why don't you... You know what? You can just go to hell!

All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

Excuse me. It's been brought to my attention that a few bad apples out there are smoking marijuana.

Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode. ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today?

I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland.

Well... You promise? I promise. 'Cause, you know, I missed cuddling with you, too. You did? I sure did. Well, then... Hey, what do you say we go home, huh?

Oh, thank you. I'm so glad you can taste it. Hey, you know what we haven't done for a while? Go around the table and everybody says what year they were born. So, kids, how was your day? Well, the sandbox was... It was great! Guess he's going first. We got a new pencil sharpener in math class!

Well, the upside is, at least we have our old Brian back. From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about.

Now, let's find out who you really are.

That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage.

He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off,

That's a great idea. Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Now, come on, let's get out of here. I suppose you're right. Nothing I can do. You know, why don't I just meet you home? I'm going to run some errands. - You sure you're okay? - I'm positive. Absolutely positive. Okay, our next young actress on the audition list is Karina Smirnoff.

I can't, sir. It's liquid. Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy for you! Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus. Yeah, Filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one.

Wakey, wakey. KIDS: Good morning, Mother Maggie. Huh, who's this? I like this lady.

Just like the first chemotherapy patient to figure out the handkerchief look. Honey, get in here! What is it? Just... Just get in here! - What... Oh, my God. - Right? It's like you don't even have cancer! Don't even have cancer! - I know. - Oh, my God.

and the victim's name is "theater." This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... blows! Uh...

And the visions of our minds are in the valleys which are valleys And the oceans and a camel and my new socks and a book Hey, Meg, check it out. I'm gonna jump that fire hydrant. Chris, don't! You're gonna wreck Dad's bike!

So I can drink beer and watch T.V.? Because, you know, K.I.S.S Saves Santa is on. But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa? Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out. Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay!

Uh, well, no. But how about this?

I had to fend for myself with my own 2 hands But today I'm hurtin' and I'll tell you why I got a hangnail hanging from my cuticle A hangnail It ain't beautiful It hurts like a bitch that I did last night Hey Chris. What are you doing? Just laying back in the cot peepin' at this here homey. yo, Pops! Let me have some cheddar.

Today, I have a golden ticket to do whatever the hell I want. I feel like an old guy who's reliving his youthful shenanigans. Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa. Oh, Sonny, those were crazy times. My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other wet willies and funny arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt.

My God. How could they do this to me?

She gave me a ride home.

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk? Hey, Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring. Grandpa Griffin?

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Dad, can you help me with my math? Mr. Shackleford says if I don't learn it,

undefinedI'm going to bed. " do not require sleep. Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this. All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window."

And then when you get a little older, stuff will come out. (HORN BLARING) Uh-oh, sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home.

Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose. If we can break out of here, I've got an idea how to give the captain of this boat what he deserves. (DOOR CREAKING)

Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world. Oh, oh, Funny sailing story. A guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean and he sees a little black dog.

I guess nobody really needs guns. I'm not always right, after all. Oh, Peter. Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up. Where are we gonna go? I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham. All right! Fudgie the Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost!

Oh, I know exactly where you're coming... Ow! It's in my eyes!

We're mopping the deck which is Navy for "floor" And when we're done mopping we'll mop it some more "Swab" means "mop" "deck" means "flooR"

I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming.

Don't boil me I'm still alive Iraq lobster Iraq lobster

But soon! Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these. Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you! Hey, what's that sound?

You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle. Okay, okay, there it is again. What the hell? Stop with that! You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them.

Ah, Who needs rocks when you got these? Check it out! Wow! Vote for Peter Griffin! Whoah, Look at all of Lois' signs!

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night

Yes, so many questions! Me! Me! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Stu! Stu! Stu! Yes, you there. (GROANS) Yes, I have a question. Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this?

(THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING)

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!

That ought to show you!

What the deuce? Where did this come from? Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night. One-way to Providence, please. Yeah, how much to get to Providence? Brian?

What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing.

Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea! Oh, y'know Honey,

Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game... in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty. For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail.

You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that. Thank you, Lois. I mean, he jumped into that lake to try and save your life, and he's eight years old, Peter.

No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock.

Why, it's wonderful to meet you. We've heard so many nice things. Yes, indeed. So, how long have you been a prostitute? No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt. Chris, we have company. So, you ever been with a woman? No. Peter! What?

I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile.

Stewie, hug, two in a row. Try for three, Chris? No, high five. Well, that's okay. High five's great, too. Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement.

Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance.

You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing?

Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time? Yeah, no, I'm havin' a good time.

But it just might work. What?

By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick! No. What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol. No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama.

That's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night. Ok, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Wait a second. Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar.

That--That comes out of my paycheck if you-- if you take it. Oh, oh, really? Uh... Yeah. Well, I can't in all good conscience take that, then. Oh, oh, good. Uh, thank you. Thank you, that's... Yeah. Yeah. No. I'm--I'm, I'm a working man myself. No. It's tough out there. Yeah. You know, you can't... You got to find a way. It's tough, it is. All right. Well, uh, can you stop this thing so we can get off?

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it.

(YELLING IN PAIN) What? What? What are you looking at? I could fight you both.

PETER: And so Mary and Joseph began their courtship. But even after several dates, Joseph couldn't get to first base. Not just because Mary was a virgin, but because baseball would not be invented for 1,800 years and nobody knew what the hell he was talking about. You know this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in.

Well, is there any reason it has to end? STEWIE: Don't do it, Brian. What the hell? Excuse me for a second. Stewie, have you been hiding in the back all evening? Yes, I'm saving you from yourself, Brian. You almost went in there and tried to have sex with that girl.

Glenn, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving brother like you. So, are you gonna leave him? Oh, there you are! Hey, give me some money. I saw a cool bandana. What the hell's going on here?

I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F.

Hey, this is not a barn, young lady. I'm just so exhausted. You know, I thought I'd be happy being with Neil, but I'm not. This is horrible. Sweetheart, we'll figure some way to get you out of this.

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Wow, that's a lovely color. Your dress is.... The color of your dress is.... " like.... You're very pretty. 0h, thank you. I'm the 11th grade history teacher, Miss Parks. Oh! Like Rosa Parks. Or, you know, or someone white named Parks. Nothing cuter than a nervous white dog.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago.

Peter, did you have fun with Brian? No, Lois, he was a wet blanket. And I'm starting to think you might be right. Brian's getting old. He's not the dog he used to be, and I'll have to get used to it. Just like I got used to my acrylic nails.

you... Uh, I'll, uh... This is a bad time. Maybe I'll just come back.

What? What are you talking about? Something must have gone down. The cops were poking around. What do you mean? Like Joe? No. Staties, man. Staties. I wouldn't be surprised if there's something in the paper about it.

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

We can just pick up after ourselves. After all, we'll only be here on weekends. No, No, Lois. It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are. That's PewterschmidT!

It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.

Oh, hi, Meg. Could you tell Chris breakfast is ready? Oh, um... I think he got up early. He, um, said something about a fat kid rally at Little Caesars. Huh! It's not like Chris to miss breakfast. Oh, don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be home later.

Yay, learning!

Doug told me I don't need to listen to you. Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy... and get some astringent to get rid of that thing. What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood.

So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

I'm treating Quagmire to a night out.

Chris, Stewie, you hungry? (YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose? What? Yeah, exactly. "What?" Eyes front. (ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV.

I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful, and you've completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit! Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh!

Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.

(CAMERA CLICKING) I hereby declare this public park and future homosexual meeting spot open! Unhand that woman, you bastard! (GASPS) Adam! Well, well, well, if it isn't Mayor "Guns For Toys" West. The chair recognizes your face!

What're you doing, O.J.? Well, I got no money left to pay off my civil suit debt. So I'm making a God's Eye to send to Fred Goldman. It's kind of nice, right? Better than nothing.

I got a feeling That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night I'm afraid I have some terrible news. (GASPS) I have dinner reservations and no one to go with. Tonight's the night

I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Ed Bradley. I'm Lesley Stahl. And one of you is hung like an elf. I feel so naughty. Lois, what are you doing? Neither of us is drunk. HEy, Knock it off!

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a-- Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you. uh, w-well, It's a little warm in here, you know?

Oh, And by the way, I'm going back to the force. Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

And to show my appreciation for reading my play, I made you this. Wow, "Good dog." And it's official? That's what it says, doesn't it? I wish my dad was alive to see this.

MEG? Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here?

I can't believe we're actually going to New York. Dad, you don't really have to do this. Yes, I do! No boy of mine is gonna get booted out of the Scouts. What the hell do you think you're doing? Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt. So I don't get hurt. That's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant?

I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

Thank you. - Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you.

A girdle is not a substitute for weight loss, Peter. Hey, I'm riding that roller coaster, and that's all there is to it. Now let's get out of here. This thing's squishing my organs around. (BEATING)

Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

Well, it was very nice meeting you, Anthony. You, too, Mrs. Griffin. Thanks for having me over for dinner. Come on, Peter. I think Anthony wants some time alone with Meg. Who doesn't want some time alone with Meg these days? Right, Meg? Has anybody ever told you you're pretty enough to be a movie star, Mrs. Griffin?

Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING)

Well, perhaps I should take my thong elsewhere. Well, let's not be hasty. Your Majesty, won't you please join me as my personal guests in the Barrington Room? The Barrington Room? Peter, that's the most exclusive room in all of New England. Yeah, I hear it's even harder to get in there than the University of Arizona.

But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family. Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?

What's wrong with you?

Take that, Orion. That's right. All you are is a failed production company.

Ok? Here I go. Da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da Stop it!

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

- He's funny. - That was great. Is it 1981?

Hi, everybody! Oh, my gosh! I never thought I'd meet Glenn's friends! Yeah. I figured, why not? You know, you, we, you and I see each other from time to time. Oh, my God! We, like, never see each other! This guy! You, like, disappear for a month and then you call me? So silly!

Thanks for the ride, Dad. All right. Have fun, Chris. Hey, Petey! Quagmire? What are you doing here? oh, you know, Soccer moms! All right. I'd like to hang around with you. But Lois needs me at home. I got bEER. Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch. Thanks, honey. Oh, Egg salad? Have a good time. I'll try.

Whoa!

Oh, boy, it's okay, R2, calm down, be cool. I ain't done nothing to antagonize nobody. What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more? I got rights, too. Who's there? (SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING)

Aw, damn it! WOMAN: Oh, no, no. Baby fall down! Is that... Is that Consuela? Baby all alone in street. I take baby home. It's me. Stewie. Don't you remember? You used to clean for us. We used to make you use the bathroom at the gas station.

Kiss off! Yeah! hmm.

Ha!

Ugh! That's the end of those underwears. I didn't know what to do, so I took them off and hummed them at the wall, and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses. Well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Damn it! Wow. He poops every time he hears that joke. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. He does, doesn't he?

that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here!

Brian, help! It's up to you.

Right. You know, I got to say, I thought she was just some actress... looking for her 15 minutes of fame, but she's pretty sharp, you know. I guess you can't judge a Brooke by her cover. You can cut that out, right? And maybe you can cut out when I said junk earlier, the whole Chevy Chase thing.

What are you talking about? It's my yard! I'm sorry, but your house is too close to the curb. Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose! Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!

The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football!

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! No.

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!

ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go!

Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter! What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself! Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this. I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

(GROANING HESITANTLY) Maybe do a song about why pot is bad. And that's why pot is bad (ALL CHEERING) I've heard all I need to make an informed decision. Marijuana is hereby re-illegalized.

Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent.

Uncle Sam sent me $500. I got $600! I got $850! I got a rock. I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound.

Oh, I'm so awkward!

Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out? I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

Here you go, Meg.

if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh!

My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive,

Devil a man who'll say a word against it, hmm? Is that a yes or a no? Aye, it is McSwiggen Village, where the hills are green, the streams are clear and the sweaters are so thick, even the boniest-fingered nun could poke you in the chest and it wouldn't bother you none.

That's not fair. I don't think I have a negative attitude, I just... I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey... Stewie? (TRUCK HORN HONKING) Say "Yes" to life, Brian! I'll be home for Christmas. Son of a bitch! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Well, Well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead! Oh, Good. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

I--I was thinking about having Broderick take a look at my nose. It doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy, or--or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby. You are who you are. Ha. I think I know what you're getting at. Knock-knock.

Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

So, how long you been in beauty school? Two months. Well, tonight we're doing facials.

I'll learn all I can. And I'll see you guys soon.

but I'm married to an elephant. Hi, I'm the husband. Hey, honey. We're going to my parents' this weekend. Did you pack your trunk? I don't think I want to go. I don't like going to your parents'. Why? Maybe because your dad's an ivory hunter?

Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality. You guys want to hear something really funny?

You hate being around the kids? Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad? Kids, why don't you go upstairs, so your father and I can talk. Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here.

I see somebody's been neutered. Come on, sugar. It's time. Thank God.

On an airplane? No. This room. What is this room called? - The flight deck? - No. - Control room? - No. Cockpit? Oh, God! I told you I'd get her to say it.

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people. You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to. This interview is over.

I mean, he already had enough groomsmen, so he made me an usher,

I'm on to you. Oh, yes. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But will you be prancing when... when... there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then? Oh, You just want to eat him up.

not as a way to outdo some imaginary antagonist in conversation.

Peter, we are not going to New York! Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed.

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Hey, Brady, you're gonna gloat and call me a loser now? Actually, Peter, you're not a loser at all. What you did just now was pretty ballsy. Really? Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team.

PETER: Let her go. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore.

This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes.

Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo! oh, Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?

Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife. Oh, just a housewife? Look, I'm all for equality, but if you ask me, feminism is about choice. I choose to be a wife and mother. And now I'm choosing to end this conversation.

Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex?

Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

He knows. He knows it's hot. 'Cause he's smart. I don't want to talk to you guys. You called me an idiot. Oh, Chris, you must have just misheard us. I was standing right there. How is that possible? - 'Cause you're an idiot, that's how. - Peter! I'm going to school! It's Sunday, right?

Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.

Hey, That's mine. Come on. Come on, give that back! Come on!

I just feel terrible about this whole thing, Lois. Can you ever forgive me? Yes, Brian, I can. But there's something you deserve to know. What's that? Well, it's not like I haven't thought about it. Really? Well, yes.

There wasn't one guy my way. Let me go, you fat bastard! I will never be your sex slave! You misunderstand. I did not buy you to be my slave. I bought you for my son, and not to be his slave, but to be his wife. Wife? Faisal!

That's you playing by the rule book. And I don't play by the rule book. Right, Dr. House? Well, don't ask me. My superiors think I'm crazy. (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Scared you, didn't I? House. House. And I'm gonna run the company.

On an airplane? No. This room. What is this room called? - The flight deck? - No. - Control room? - No. Cockpit? Oh, God! I told you I'd get her to say it.

You ready in there? Yeah. (MAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) You put some fake poo on the floor... Oh, no! Get out! Get out! Scat! This is more like it.

God, I have to get one of those. You know, last year I only had $30 saved when the holidays came around. I was so embarrassed. I think I gave Meg tape. Well, you're the only person I've ever told this to. Aren't you gonna say anything? Well, I don't know what to say.

And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You can try and fight but we're all agreed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

Okay, Stewie, let's get that little face washed off. Then you can play with your bath toys, huh? STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that?

Stop making that face over there! (ALL LAUGHING) What are you doing? I can't... He makes that face and it makes me laugh, okay? You know what, just turn around. Turn--Turn around. I don't care where you look. Just look over there. Okay, all right. They're-- They're-- They're cracking... They're cracking up over there. Okay. Oh, yeah. Look who's snickering over there. Mr. I-can't-do- a-suicide-bombing- because-I'm-sick.

That's tomorrow and that is it for us today. I'm Stewie Griffin. Thanks for watching. We'll leave you with Sting and a cut off his new album. Take it away. (INAUDIBLE)

Uh, can I ask you a question? Sure, what's up? Um, remember that "free hug" coupon you gave me for my ninth birthday - that I never used? Yeah. Well, I'd like to use it. Oh. Okay. Sure. But I'd like to sort of upgrade it. I'd like it to be a butt-hug with Kent.

but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS.

Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just... When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough, you just, I don't know, lose sight of the rest of the world. Brian, she's my wife, and you're my best pal. So, what are we gonna do about this?

- What? What? - Jeez.

Oh, God. I am so hung over. Me, too. But luckily, when I'm hung over, I can just molt into another Peter. (GROANS) Wow, that's amazing.

- Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck! Hey, everybody. I'm home from work.

Oh, No. I do not condone violence. And I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools. Gee, Lois. Can you--Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s? Oh, That was lame. Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. I think he's really upset. Gather around, everybody.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg.

All right, look, let's just go. Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for Johnny. Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it. GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit. Hey, there. How you doing? Who are you? I'm Santa.

Okay, so what do you think you can bring to our group, guys who have been in the country almost long enough to not have accents? Well, friend, if you're looking for fun times, we're the males for you. (CHUCKLES) You said it to him, mick. Last night we went to club and it was totally bitches. Oh! We had to wait in line for, like, 0.7 hours, but then we made friends with the brown bouncer,

Back in the USSR CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't matter where you are CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street All we need is music, sweet music

What do you mean? How do you know? (SIGHS) I got my period. Oh. I must've read the test wrong. What am I gonna do? Michael's out there waiting for me. Well, Meg, the best thing you can do is be honest. Just tell Michael the truth. If he cares about you, he'll understand.

Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.

and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. (DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah!

Lost in Space. Yeah. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE) Oh, that's Dick Van Dyke. Okay. Okay, I got one.

What do you mean, you're gonna fire that hitman? What do you mean, you thought she'd be 6-feet under by now and we'd be able to catch a movie? What d'ya-- You thought I wanted you to whack Lois? Guilty! It's not too late to have the hit called off, is it? Yeah. Gotcha! All I gotta do is make a call.

You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great.

All right, let's go to the bank.

Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob.

All right, Simon, do your worst. I find it's easy if I make it into a little song. Red, green, blue, green, blue, blue Then you put in words I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion?

I used to pass lots of gas Lois ran away Now we've got 30 rooms Hello, beans, goodbye, spray

(BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane,

Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple. Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)

England has such a rich heritage of great theater. (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum? Treaches on the upper with the trang sang. Croppers to you, you crang sang Iubber. She rogered the boogley!

Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you.

We call it the Must-Stash. The slogan is, "You must stash "your Must-Stash in the mustache." That'll be all for today. Good mustache. ALL: Good mustache.

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

You're gonna look so handsome. Ugh, Look at these crow's feet. My God! You stay up past 7:30, and you pay for it in the morning. Who the hell does Brian think he is? Well, Maybe he thought we'd get in the way. I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance.

(YELLS) Kristallnacht! 'Tis Long John Peter and his merry men come seeking plunder. All your TUCKS Medicated Pads be ours. Oh, my God! Oh, God! What are you... For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store.

My kids grew up. (LAUGHING) Say, you know, when you take that vacation, don't forget traveler's insurance. A lot of people do, and a lot of people are sorry. London in wartime. This is history right here, Brian. And look, there's Winston Churchill!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo? (ARTILLERY FIRING) Do I sound sexy?

Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy.

Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win? Another beer! Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here.

Hide! PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go Round and round Round and round Round and round The wheels on the bus go Round and round Peanut!

They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.

Hey, aren't you that chick from the bathroom door? Come on, Peter. She doesn't want to talk about work. What's it like in there? I assume it's like how it is in the men's room. Oh, there's a long trough with a big poo in it?

I can see why. I mean, that halibut was... That may have been the best halibut I've ever had. Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if...

Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

Jack on the rocks, please. Hey, here's to exciting, new opportunities on the Internet. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. Oh. No, it's not you.

Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh? Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl. Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door? Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

What is that? Is that a turtle? Yes, Brian. I found him at the park. I named him Sheldon. Oh, and get this. I brought him home today, and coincidentally this is the day Rupert started working out again. So transparent. Rupert? What happened to your eye? Brian, did you pull one of Rupert's eyes off? No. Why would I do that? Maybe your turtle did it.

Who? Top men.

Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said?

(GARBLED SINGING)

Kahn! Kahn!

Well, that explains a lot. (PHONE RINGING) Oh, this is my jam! Jeez, Peter, you look terrible. I know. Lois has been wearing me out. I just can't keep up with her.

Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain? Hey, you! Stay!

Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty. I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign,

I just push it in like a button and put a Band-Aid over it.

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket.

I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

(RETCHING)

Excuse me, sir. What is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? i need an adult! I need an adult!

Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you.

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911. MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it.

You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too.

You shouldn't have done that, little fellow. You just earned yourself a trip to the pound! Who the hell do you think you are?

You're fired!

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful. Look at Gregory Peck's kids. Are we there yet? It's crowded back here.

Ben-Him and Ben-Her! Even Noah wouldn't put these two together. Cover your privates. Everyone can coli-see-um!

That's the spirit. - You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

Our stupid neighbor's dog barks 24/7.

You told me this was Lois's intervention. Nice. Cleveland? Loretta, what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois.

His name was Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin, and his ocular misadventures made him a star.

We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

I'm gonna get myself kicked out. Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay. Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit?

Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.

Ma'am, you want me to kick those dents out for you? Peter, we've had complaints from all over town. You're gonna have to stop with the kicking. Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING)

Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of town hall with a high-powered rifle! The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns some real-world experience. Hey, That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper!

Hey, could I see that? Damn it! You ass! Easy, Clark. I hate that guy! It's been a long trip. You're tired. No! I hate him! Look, you're angry. You're dehydrated. Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better. (SIGHS) Okay.

For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself. Boy, we really did a number on each other.

(GRUNTS) Hey, what's going on? Nothing. I just figured out why cats are better than babies. Well, that's kind of a broad statement.

(GROANS) Uh-oh. All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out, it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation. I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass. Is my eye big? Yeah. Good. Good.

(GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life!

Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no!

Peter, This is the final plague! Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old. The final plague is the death of the first-born son. Oh, No! Stewie! The first-born son. Meg. Your wife.

Okay, here we go.

Ah, You damn kids with your music. Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black star of such films as Nashville and 5 Easy Pieces, was on board.

You have to make an appointment.

Wow, look how organized he is.

What do we do? "Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?"

No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open. MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know! (DOORBELL RINGING) Uh-oh. The police. Looks like I got some explaining to do.

Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!

W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs!

We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you.

How come you never told us you dropped out of college? I saw an after-school special about that. It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol. But then again, nothing did. I was only one course shy of graduating and I just cracked under the pressure. And now it just cost me the best job I ever had. Well, don't take it too hard.

Oh, ha, ha! I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

There's beauty up above

I say! Look at me!

Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses. I got to put in my contacts. By the way, the repair shop called. They said they can't fix your camera.

How come I never get any lines in these things? PETER: Shut up, Meg. (CAWING) All right. Let's take a break. Your back's getting all sweaty. Sorry. Does that.

Well, he's clearly not just a guy. He's some kind of omnipotent alien, with powers we can only guess at.

No! (YAWNS) Oh! Hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-along.

Help me what? Clean your pool with my shirt off, or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get little bits of lint out of the rug? I know what you're about, Mr. Herbert: free labor, and I'm not into it. Chris, you have to choose. It's either Franz or me.

I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance. And here to sing a romantic ballad is the one and only Sting.

Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one.

And I've got a proposal that I guarantee you can't refuse. See, I wrote this erotica book. And I was hoping you could loan me $7 billion to publish it. How about I loan you $5? It's at the bottom of this jar of barbed wire and salt. (GROANING) Why do you keep these things together?

I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. Sure! What did you learn?

I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul! I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE!

(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your lightsaber battle. The Force is with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet. You're getting there. You're getting there, though.

Ah, Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible. Yes, charming. Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac.

Hey, w-Wait a minute. Wait. We were next! Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey! You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get the video camera out and make our own show. I don't wanna! Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal!

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Scared you, didn't I? House. House. And I'm gonna run the company. Well, Lois, I'm off to my first day as a corporate bigwig. I'm not so sure about this, Peter. I mean, that's Daddy's company.

Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God! Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God!

Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich?

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

Oh, I should have figured. Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one! You told me that one. I sure did. We enjoy each other's company.

So, you having a good time there, Chief Diamond Phillips? Oh, that's funny. He came up with the same thing that... All right, Carrot Top, I want that skull. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin, and that skull belongs to me.

Hey, There's a lot of good looking people here. Of course. This is the quahog Beautiful People's Club. And, You're our newest member. Here's your introductory basket. It's got some scented lotions, Ferrari sunglasses, and of course, some pills to make your bowel movements smell like bakery-fresh cinnamon rolls.

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank. Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me.

(LAUGHS) No, you don't. No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this?

And now, Jillian, do you take Derek... Wait! Jillian, I'm in love with you. I want you... No, I need you with all my heart and soul. And my only regret is that I didn't realize it when we were together. Those were the happiest days of my life,

Can't you just sniff cancer? No, that's just a myth we started so we could stick our snouts in girls' boobs. (SIGHS) It's nice to have a clean bill of health. Well, for now. The key is weekly follow-ups. You know, cervical cancer is also a problem. My boyfriend thinks he might have prostate cancer. Nope, doesn't.

In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body. Come on. I'll show you around. Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go?

What did you get for number four?

Hey. What are you doing here, dork? Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red?

(GASPING) (GROANING)

Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working!

Well, is that possible? Because that could really mess up my... (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) Mom, I need money for lunch. Oh, God. I'm sorry, Chris. My purse has been missing for a day now. I can't find it anywhere. Not to worry, Lois. Xerxes will find it. Xerxes, find Lois's purse.

Hey! Gotcha! (LAUGHING) Okay, you got me. Hey, wait, you got something there. Oh, my God! I can't believe I fell for that. I know. Now, excuse me, I have to make out with my girlfriend. Oh! Sorry! I'll leave you two alone. Nah, it's just me by myself! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! That's so cool!

Count me out. I'm never going to the theater with Peter again. "Remember when you were younger, "Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights "translating books for you? "Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, "afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves."

(SCREAMING) What the hell? No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift. Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!

AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me. No! Why? Why? She chose the piano over her insulin.

Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who.

Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

The only thing this guy is guilty of is being a whack job. Wait, wait, wait. Somebody's coming in. Oh, it's just some fat hooker. Oh, my God, it's Meg! What? Meg and Adam West. Ew!

I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts. Wow! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're so cool! You're so awesome! You've checkmated my teenage cynicism! Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice clean rap.

Quags and Swanny were so funny yelling things at the visitors. Quags and Swanny? Lois, it's one thing to steal my friends, but don't go giving them stupid new nicknames.

And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet.

Would you kill a man? Um, uh, well...

There you are. What? Well, you're jumpy. So, did you hear all that noise last night?

(JET SOARING) What the hell is that?

No, you shouldn't do that, but it'd be funny. Okay, I'll be back in three and a half minutes,

Then what? Peter got blamed!

Ahh!

You can't leave! ahh!

I think you're a boneheaded, fascist, corporate-shilling blowhard. Look, you little smartass, I think you are a godless, socialist, pot-smoking, maggot-infested member of the blame-America- first crowd, and I think you want the terrorists to win.

(ENUNCIATING) We are running out of time. Are we going to get this orgy started or what?

I just sent you a picture of a kitten in sunglasses. Well, this I gotta see! Hello, cool kitty. Oh! And we have a winner! (CHEERING) Ah, darn it. Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn.

Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter. Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE! Hey, everybody, here's our star!

ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee." Where? Where does the rooster say that? The monkey goes, "Ma-cock."

I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group, when they all converged on the scene. I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom.

No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like. Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!

(ORGAN PLAYING) If we praise Jesus by singing all together It makes this whole exercise seem less bizarre

But what about the terrorists? (ALL GASP) That's right. Terrorists. We have intelligence that suggests that Hitler is plotting with... With the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father, 'cause we're more alike than we know. No one, no one No one ever Is to blame

- Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint. - What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! (STEWIE SCREAMING) Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party. Okay, okay, ready? Here goes.

$160,000. $170,000. $180,000. $190,000. $200,000. Ooh. Ahh. We have a new record for the Historical Society! The vessel goes to-- $100 million!

Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy. It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical! It's ridiculous! Pancakes are not a nighttime food. You're ridiculous! (BEEPS) Boy, breakfast for dinner is a real hot-button issue for you guys, huh?

What is wrong with you? You abandoned me! And some larger children took my candy. All right, look, just calm down. It's still early. We'll get you more candy.

A bit pricey, but for the money you're spending, you know, it's not a bad way to go! Yeah, for the money. You ready to go, Quagmire? Yeah. You know, I got to tell you. I think you did a good thing. Well, I guess I just realized it's not about me. This family is what's best for Anna Lee. This is her home now. I got to let her go.

PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee, but either way, it feels so good. LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too.

WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead.

"My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck.

Oh, my God!

Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school.

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns. Freeze. Is that... Is that a banana? Don't worry about what it is. I'm still a cop. Whoa, hold on. All right, just take it easy. This can go a couple of ways.

I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom. Look, there he is. Dad, how could you? Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail, can we go in your room? Look, don't you kids buy any of this for a second. Your father is innocent.

Be careful. Muriel could be in any one of these pantries.

ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths?

What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.

How is it anything like a monkey having the keys to an amusement park? I don't know. The hours would be erratic. Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it. Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.

Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil.

"You made porn," or "You made a porno."

Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead,

God! It smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? Yeah. And I think I might need some right now. Get out now or stay and get weird. Your call, warden.

And if you don't let me go right now, you're gonna lose your dad.

So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?

Damn! Laura! Laura! Laura!

I say, I think this is how you change a tire. But what do I know? I'm just a baby! Here's your iPod, so you can listen to The Streaks while you gasp for air. The Strokes. Right.

My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead. Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors. Plus, when's the next time you're gonna get to give a bride away? I know. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet? No! Awesome. I'll be right down. Hey, Brian, who are you dating? Jessica Tandy? Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs! What are you guys talking about? She's a beautiful woman. You know, Lois, you, of all people, should be pleased. I mean, all the crap I take for dating young bimbos. How old is she, Brian?

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle!

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.

(IMITATES FANFARE)

(CROWING)

Well, Derwood, now you really are the big man of the house. Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh?

(YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

Use the other mustard! Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.

it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh! This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head.

Oh, hi, Peter. Are you here to bring back the TV set? No, I sold it for crack. But listen, Mom, I got to ask you something. Who's my real father? I knew this day would come. All right, Peter, here it is.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before.

What the hell are you doing with a musket? Last day on Earth. I've always wanted to save a Native American family from rapacious cavalrymen.

If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885.

(LOIS READING) STEWIE: Who is this book for? (LOIS READING)

Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry. But first, the big news in entertainment this week is the lovable child actress, Olivia Fuller. Oh, my God, Brian, that's Olivia from the performing arts school. What sort of overblown contract has that dreadful bitch landed now? Most of you know Olivia as the adorable little girl in the Tasty Juice ads.

"'but I just don't have the time.'" "'You should make the time,' said the farmer."

Angela! Open up in there!

How much is this volcano insurance? Uh, i-i don't know. Uh, Let's say, $200. $200? That's more than I spent on all that handsome cream. I don't have that kind of money! What about that jar of money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund. Ah, Come on, it never rains in Rhode Island.

Feeling okay, sir? Just like new. How about you, Dack? I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself. Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one. (ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches!

Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it.

No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth! Oh, look at that. Our little boys are becomin' fast friends. I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you? And go get the sifter, so we can build our sand village. That's right, a little further.

(GASPS) Yeah! Peter, how are you doing that? I don't know, Lois. I'm scared. Well, come down. I can't. Get help. Call somebody. Who do I call? I don't know. A police... A fire...

Well, Diane, I guess you've learned a lot from staring lifelessly at TV reruns of CSI over the thrusting shoulders of whatever drifter you drag into your bedroom on whatever night CSI is on. Thursdays, Tom. And don't miss CSI, Thursday when Johnny Cluestein finds the secret fingerprints in the case... I've never seen the show. Brian, I'll be right back.

(ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.

oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

(SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

Dear God! But wait, there's Superman. He'll save us. Superman! Superman! Wait, wait. Where are you going? To hell with him. We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING)

This just in. Channel Five newscopter pilot Drunk Billy passed away today. In anticipation of this event, we put together a clip package featuring some of Billy's work for Channel Five News. (CROWD SCREAMING)

Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.

Hells, yeah! It is the only rooftop pool in Providence. No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now? Look, my ears are ringing, my foot arches are hurting, and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes.

(LUKE SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Ben. Ben. Leia. Leia.

Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that. Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Now, y'all get back up inside me, little mouth. I wants to play, too.

Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead.

It's like they all have the same mindset. It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah. And there's so much more to life than that. Twenty feet that way, please.

- She's awful. - Awful, awful woman. " agree, yeah. And she's a whore.

Y-You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.

His friend are coming over soon for dinner. So, remember, Chris, no staring. And, Meg, you know how it is to be different, so be very nice. (DOORBELL RINGS) Well, hi, you guys. I'm so glad you could come over. Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida. Hello, everyone!

MAN: I didn't like any of that. Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story.

(MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

But it wasn't a rock it was a rock lobster Rock lobster

You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say--Say "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie."

Kind of, yeah. Well, guess what, that's my back. Hook up with me! Come on! We can make this work. Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird. I can't be your boyfriend. In fact, I don't even think I can be your friend.

Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois. Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary togethER. No wonder she's gonna dump mE. Or is she? Wait a minute. That's my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wifE! Eureka! Now, come on back to the golf course. I've got a date.

You don't understand. He's all I think about. I can't eat, I can't sleep. Just thinking about him now gives me heart palpitations. (HEART BEATING) I feel like if I could just know what it's like to be with him, just once, I could at least have some sort of closure.

As we agreed. Admirable. But foolish!

But why, Brian? You wouldn't understand. You're just a kid.

Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!" I got to figure out some way to get that card back.

But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is. (Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter.

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie! All right, I guess this is the night bitches die. I wonder what the chain gang did today.

Can you hand me the radio? Thanks. Hi, this is car... What number are we? Five-five. Car 55.

Come on. That's not a sports car.

STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe. Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill. Oh, thank God. (SIGHS) It's okay, Brian. It's not the first accident we've had in this house.

White women, huh? Jewish waiters, too. I got this Jewish waiter one time. It was awful. Didn't tip him. You ever do anything bad to a Jewish waiter? What's that, Peter? I'm sorry. I was focusing on my drive. You're doing great, Peter. Just don't let him intimidate you. Guys, guys. Someone's getting frogged in the clubhouse. Quagmire! She sounds fat.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license. Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time. So you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver.

No, not AA. A-A-A. Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh? So you are with AAA? Oh, no, that's A-A-A. I just came from AA, eh? Huh? Stewie, I think he's just a drunk. Well, drunk or not, can you help us? I can if you want to join AA, eh? No, I'm already a member of A-A-A. I need help with the car. Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage.

It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God!

Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

Attention, everyone. The plane is sinking, so I need you all to proceed onto the floating slide. PETER: Dear airplane people, I owe you one floating slide. And just so you know, the guy stewardess was angry gay, not happy gay. What does it say? Nothing. Just instructions and stuff.

I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night.

Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat. Red-headed lady reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope

That jerk! How could he desert us? Relax, Quagmire, he's just doing his job. You'll forgive him. Just like Kathleen Turner forgave her mirror. Sorry. Turns out you were right about me. Officer, wait! I'm his wife, give me that bullhorn.

(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

You gotta get out of here. Why do we have to leave, Dad? 'Cause your Daddy's gonna have a three-way with your mother and her friend. Isn't that nice about Daddy's three-way? I had a one-way one time. That was amazing. Sorry I farted in the middle. All right, go on, beat it, all of you. Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend.

Maybe, but there is one thing we can do. Move over.

Hi, Lois. (GASPS) Hello, O.J. Anything I can do to help make dinner?

That's wrong. That's wrong. You're not doing good so far. I'm standing here surrounded by snowdrifts, stalled cars, and the one douchebag who wears a tank top every time there's a blizzard. Yeah, this is nothin'. Guy at work drank a quart of motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.

I don't care what she says. I'm never going back! Look, you can't run away from your problems, Chris. That's what I tried to do. I joined the Peace Corps and a day later, I was two continents away. - Really? - Yup.

You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.

(POWER DRAINING) Hey, did you hear something? Probably just another drill. You know that last drill we had? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.

I can't believe Ms. Clifton's gone. Who's gonna teach my class now? Brian, why don't you teach Chris's class? You're very knowledgeable, the kids might knock you down a few pegs... which would be good for you.

If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Yeah, we're walking in now. Make sure Tom Tucker knows he has 20 minutes and he is to only talk about the book, no personal questions, all right? Are you okay? You good? You need anything? All right.

(SCREAMS)

Excuse me, Lord Griffin. Your family is going back tO quahog. If you get tired of being a snob, look us up.

(SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen?

Moonlight and love songs Never out of date

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca.

Joe, the guy's a menace. They've been with me three days now, and all he does is beat her day and night.

Shh, It's ok. We'll meet you in the parking lot. Oh, God, Lois. I need help.

Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy... I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared. Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape... while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most. Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving.

(BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game?

Yeah. I mean, don't you have family back there? I used to, but not anymore. Um, the wife won't have me back. Threw me out, actually. Well, maybe you should talk to her. Peter, believe me. If she'd take me back, I'd go in a second. But she won't. So as much as I love her, moot point. Moving on.

Why not? Why not?

That would be much better than having a quiet dinner with my family, who I love and am not afraid of. Hey, Lois. This is Big Fat Paulie. He's gonna be joining us for dinner. Really? What a nice surprise! Peter, can I talk to you for a second? Peter, you can't just bring company home at the last second without calling.

Yo, man! That's trippin'! Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house!

I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me. Oh, Jeez, Kate, what should I do? I don't know. You're the flavor of the month. Oops. Window open.

Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! Peter, please calm down. Babs, I think it's time we went to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight. Whoa! Ahh! You can whip me all you like, white devil, but you'll never break my spirit!

What about pills? Even hanging yourself is better. At least then you might grow an inch or two while you're hanging there. Of course, when they find you, you might have those Illeana Douglas eyes. Hmm. So, why the gun? It just seemed the quickest way, I guess. I suppose.

(SIGHS) Chris! It's time for supper! (CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.

Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good. Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right? Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Yeah, well, can you bring it over to me? I can't move it. This is a crime scene. Well, can you describe it to me? You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay? Oh, no. Just....

"fart both knew that, "with love fart truth fart courage, "they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet." (GROANS) That one didn't work. Well, let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks...

Wait a minute. I didn't write this. Oh, really? Did... Did you write this? Well, I can't take all the credit. I've been listening to you talk in your sleep for years. So, I just put your thoughts on paper. That's all. Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thanks, evil... Thanks, Monkey.

Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you. She's a Killer Queen Gunpowder, gelatine Dynamite with a laser beam Guaranteed to blow your mind

So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible.

A towel. Hey, I've been had!

I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff. (ALL LAUGHING) Seriously, stop it! Okay, did everyone else feel that? I felt it. Oh, I felt it, too. I felt whatever the most senior executive in this room felt. Okay, good. So we all felt it.

I asked you what your name was.

He doesn't need us anymore, now that he's got his cool, new friends. I tell you, those legs have turned him into a complete jerk. It's like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park. How is that? How is what?

These poster jokes doing anything for you? Eh, hit and miss. We should hang out more.

which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger? Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him!

Peter, look! Holy crap, that's the tattoo! Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is. 5-5-5-0-1-4-3. Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.

You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place.

Chocolate cake a la Blake Hundred bucks, Blake is gay

Oh, hold on. Hold on. Honey, let's get all the kids in this. Look, I know kids. And this story's gonna put them to sleep. Meg needs something that's gonna pull those kids away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and their Spirographs, and their Moby Grape, and their 90210.

The Homing Beacon is safely on board the Millennium Falcon. I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. It'd better work. You know, I think they took your old couch. What? I threw that away. Yeah, it was weird. I just killed Obi-Wan, and then I look over and there are these two dudes scurrying across with a couch.

Is this what you're looking for?

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh!

"That's why I yelled." I'm watching you, buddy.

What? That's ridiculous. These students have the right to information about safe sex. Well, these parents don't think so. I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?

Where's your father? He's still down in the basement. Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits.

Shotgun.

It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here. (EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having.

Oh, Come on, Lois. Those were written, like, 200 years ago. Times have changed! Ok, let's stay calm. Aw Lois, if you're scared, I'll hold you close until the lights are on again. Dad, it's me. Go to your room.

HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking powder. It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING) FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale.

You wear glasses. That's only to fool the man from the draft board. I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made!

Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh! Okay, let's have dinner, huh? So, how did you guys get together? He showed up at my door and said he was a Federal Boob Inspector.

Peter, what are you doing? If movies and TV have taught me anything, it's that young people today are constantly being antagonized - by preppy '80s bullies. What? What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian? Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate.

I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner. Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart.

Diarrhea.

- Drink that. - What is it? My blood. I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it. Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.

but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already.

I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. Anyone? Anyone? Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire. It's good to be back, Peter. Hey, Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes?

All right, class, today we're going to be talking about variables. (CLASS GIGGLING) Okay, it's just a rear end. We all have one. Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's. No, we're not laughing at you. We're laughing at Griffin's shoes.

Hey, Did you hear the one about us?

What about me? You! Look, the bottom line is you folks are all still under contract. Ok? But I've come up with a solution I think will make everyone happy. Jason Gallagher. Present. Meg Griffin. Oh, Sorry I'm late, Mr.--

A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened!

I don't know. I asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad. I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian.

I feel terrible about this whole thing. Look, Why don't I just put us up at a nice hotel for a coupla days? Oh, That's a great idea, Brian. It'll be like a little vacation. Well, You might want to bring some cash with ya. 'Cause, You know, some places don't take credit cards.

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

I heard he bought it from his dad. Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it... one time when he was a freshman. undefinedDoesn't his dad live in Hartford? " think so. My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is.

Oh, God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not coming out.

And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING) I'm Chris.

Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone.

Hey, Stewie, I found this receipt for a speedboat rental upstairs in your room. It's dated about a year ago. Any idea how it got there? Someone who rented a speedboat must've left it there. Uh-huh. Well, you can play innocent all you want. I am gonna find the evidence to put you away, starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared.

She and Quagmire went up to his cabin for the weekend. What? Yeah, I drew you a crude flip book to explain what's happening. Okay, I got a little off track there, but they went to his cabin. Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin. He calls it his "sex cabin."

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No! Did he at least die with dignity? Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor,

Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl?

We had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly all right. We're fine. We're all fine here now. Thank you. How are you? (GROANING) I've been better. Well, tell me what's up. Well, I'm in this relationship and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I like her, but we're not really connecting.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad?

Why, I have a cell phone. So, we do have your cell phone! Well... It's... I have my cell phone. No, we have your cell phone.

10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

(SCREAMS) A shark! How did it get all the way up here in the sky? Who cares, you fool? Do you want to get eaten? Retreat! But there was one stubborn pilot who saw through our disguise.

Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. And I'm sorry I have no talent. Aw, That's ok, kids. So I don't have my name on an amusement park. And maybe I'll never be famous. But I got 3 wonderful children and a wife that loves me.

(SCREAMING)

Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell! " don't know about this, Doug. Just do it! Oh, good Lord! Is that.... Doody!

Oh, sweet mother of God! There you are! I'll watch you with the lights off. (LAUGHING) Like I would dare.

For me to poop on!

Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants? Oh, look, who's here. Mr. "I don't have time for your Little League games." Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

(PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done? Looks like you ran over him, Lois. Oh, no! He's unconscious! Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up! Yeah, but... What?

You're right. You with me, big guy? Peter, I go where I am needed. To the Popemobile!

See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00.

He told us he was here to make amends. But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you!

I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card?

Ah! There we are. Oh, I say. I've laid an egg! Oh, That wasn't so bad. I don't know what these women are always complaining abouT-- Ahh! Attention, New quahogians.

So I finally tell them, "Hey, I came here to be at the seminar, not run it." (BOTH LAUGHING) That's...

I think--

Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you a kangaroo T-shirt.

No, he didn't! Christ, could he be any more annoying? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, hey, it's Tom! Tommy!

It's pee that makes it warmer. Peter, the water's rising fast! We gotta get outta here! Hang on, Lois. There's a case of beer in the fridge. I can't leave that behind. Meg, you're a good swimmer. Go get it. What? But Dad... And for God's sake, do not be afraid to make me a sandwich while you're in there. (INHALES)

Certainly. Let me just go to the freezer. Mr. Griffin, y-you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right? Yup, yup. Fine, fine. And just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm.

I really like watching her box. That means two things.

Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm And we don't tan well, either. From a drunken Irish dad

It's like Prague sans the whimsy. Will you be ok by yourself? Oh, I think I'll manage. All right, you guys. We're off!

Thanks, Meg. I really appreciate you helping me out these past couple of days. Sorry I bit you yesterday. That's okay. I guess now I know not to get too close to your bowl, right? (CHUCKLING) Yeah. I know you're not trying to hurt me, but part of me doesn't know.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow!

Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

Dad! What are you doing? All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt for about three weeks.

(PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again! You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing.

There is one way, Adzin. You can shoot yourself. If it's the only way, I must. (GUN SHOT)

Permission to come aboard? - No! - Thanks. Hey, Quite a schooner you got here. What is she? Like, a 45-footer? Well, Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor. I didn't know you looked so good in shorts. What? Oh, You don't have an eye spliced in this mooring line. Here, I'll just tie a bowline in there and make one for you. That should hold her.

Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

I am Peter Griffin I like fancy food I like reading comic books and dressing like a dude

(LAUGHING) Oh, like a relationship. Exactly. That'll send them running, huh? I like her. Here you go. Maybe this'll help.

It hasn't come yet. Oh, I mean, did you ever make it with one of the dogs?

You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up. I did good! I did good. Drive.

And Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room. And here we have the lounge. Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot! What can I get you, sir? We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles. Don't make me beg.

This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter. Aw, You deserve it, my beautiful princess. You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

I don't care what Mr. Pewterschmidt would have done. We need to take risks. We need a complete overhaul. Gentlemen, you're all fired. (ALL GASPING) What? There, now that I've got your attention, you're all fired. Peter, what the hell is going on?

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING) All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland,

Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava. I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name! Well, I'm sorry honey but we don't think you should see him anymore.

but nothing seems to be working.

Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger?

Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff.

Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine.

Yes! Yeah! Woo! All right! I'm the man! Yeah! Hold onto this, Stewie.

Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later. Pardon me. Is this first-period English?

Well, let me tell you how he got that job. Affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50. R2, what are you doing out here? (BEEPING) He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast. That's not what I said. I said there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet.

Hmm! Aw! What are we gonna do, Lois? Quagmire's busy, and Joe and Bonnie are out of town. Well, what about Cleveland? He's on the road touring with Black Box. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

No. Believe me, I've been looking. Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team. But he wishes to know what compensation you offer. Uh. Me love you long time. Gosh, I'd like to help, peter. But I've gotta go out in the hall and chew on my ass for 5 minutes. Oh, Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie to your game on Saturday.

Peter, it's back.

But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

Yeah! Wow, you guys. I'm impressed that you're taking your sentence so seriously. And I know that the court will be happy to hear this, too. Now, if you'll just keep it down so I don't get any more complaints. Sure. No problem, Joe. Thanks for stopping by.

I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin. Well, I don't know if I can compete with the rest of these people, but here goes. (PLAYING)

Get him! (ALL CLAMORING)

Oh, my God! Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my!

Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those?

- He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I...

You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone! All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish. Well, I got to eat. And I got to have fun.

Do any of you know billionaire Bruce Wayne? No. None of us do. And he wouldn't want to lend us money anyway. I hear.

I just don't want to. Get away!

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film.

Hey, Quagmire, how was your date last night? Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night?

Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING) All right, you caught me.

That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish. Well, He's only half-Jewish.

You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks!

So it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus. Would he succeed? Well, let's find out. Wait a minute, why the hell do you want to kill Santa? Because that fat bastard blew me off at the mall, and he shall not go unpunished.

Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is! I don't know. I lost it. Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth. ahh! No! Don't! Stewie? Look what I found.

Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant?

Yeah, we can't be more than six inches apart. (LAUGHING) The first one was enough. Meg, honey, do you want some breakfast? I don't have time. I have to get over to the Swansons'. You sure? Aren't you hungry?

BRIAN: Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. BRIAN: I don't work here. Then I'll have you killed. BRIAN: I want to die. I hated that guy back there. Okay, this is level 12. There's the lab. Let's get in there and find Carter's body.

Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

Stewie, this is gonna sound crazy, but I have a theory about what's going on with Carter. Really? What is it? Well, think about it. If Carter Pewterschmidt, the dynamic chairman of Pewterschmidt Industries, were to fall ill or even die, the stock price would plummet. I don't want you to think I'm not listening, but when's Christmas? Not for a while. But what I'm saying is, I think Carter is sick or possibly even dead,

Help! Somebody!

Okay, I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop? I think that can be arranged.

This is gonna take us to the next level.

You look great, Joe. Holy crap! That's fantastic! They still got that new leg smell. I put his old legs in a bag, if you want them.

(WINCING) (GROANING) (CARS HONKING) So I said to him, "Brown liquor before Labor Day?

(ACTIVATING WEAPON) (PENELOPE FIRING)

Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new.

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity. Okay. Well, he was on Growing Pains. I can't believe it. Everybody's gone. Well, people like that are always looking for the next voice to tell them what to do. And here I was, thinking I was making a difference.

This is gonna be awesome! You said it.

Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what?

He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man. That's what this march is all about. Respect for your fellow man. I can't respect men. Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violencE. My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me!

and I know something about bad ideas. I'm--I'm telling you, Juice. She's screwing around behind your back. A-and If I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it. Another mai tai? Thanks. So, listen...

Hey-oh mother africa

Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day? But hey, I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face! Mom! now, Honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine. Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And He said it through a hole in his throat. Well, That doesn't make him right.

How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words.

Which one of you is the lucky bride? What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help!

Has Joe died? What? No. That's good. I was just calling to tell him my father is recovering well and the doctors say he'll be fine. That's great. I'll tell him. I'll be flying back first thing in the morning. That's great, too. Okay, bye, Bonnie. See you tomorrow. Bye.

Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?

Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

Please, Mahmoud, don't do this. It is too late. The job must be done. Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America. We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburned, freckled fat guy. A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations.

Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!

That's my JoE! What the deuce? Half man, half machinE. Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans! Go, cyborg! It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders!

(SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING)

Kids, why don't you go upstairs, so your father and I can talk. Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here.

Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. Commandment Number 2: There's nothing I can do about the sun. Commandment Number 3: There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. Commandment Number 4: When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right?

(SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING)

Only if you think I'm a serial killer. - What? - Nothing. Attention, all hands. We're going to launch a massive air strike against Bertram and his army. Behold the armada. It's quite simple, actually. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons,

(ALL CLAMORING) Boy, they're really against socialism. That's right. The Tea Party is all about self-reliance. Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love.

I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business.

That's terrific. We need a doctor. We sure do. Let's hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. Ah! "Village idiot." That's a good one. On Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis at traffic. Congratulations. PetEr, Maybe we should've just let him be a doctor. No! These are the rules of New quahog.

Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato. Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it.

No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay. If you want to teach us a lesson... Yeah, that's even better. All right, if that's what you... Wait a minute!

That's right, Joyce. And just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.

ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose! Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

I never wanted anyone like this It's all brand new

(PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it?

You're my silver medal. Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one! How could this happen?

(DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus. Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here.

Oh, my God! We're gonna drown! We'll be fine. Here, put these on. Peter, these are parachutes. What are we supposed to do with these?

(EXCLAIMS) Aah!

Jenny, would you like to talk? My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic. Jeez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha! ALL: Hi, Jenny. Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night. I missed work half the time.

As of today, I'm stepping down as mayor and leaving Quahog forever. Because of Carol? That's right. I've decided to move to Alaska and become an Eskimo. Alaska? But that's so far away! And what about the high percentage of Eskimo child molesters?

Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

I plead the fifth of Jack. (LAUGHING) No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink. And have you ever struck your wife? Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride. Are you a violent man? What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch.

uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2

It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny. Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you. All right, Mr. Griffin.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide!

I don't have to...impress you. Look, i--I'm not insensitive, Lois. But I just don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just because the dog's a cokehead. We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab. We'll just have to wait till next year. Aw, Man! Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med.

Sir, yes, sir! The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! Welcome, apprentices. It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best,

97.1, Quahog. MAN: Oh, baby. (MAN BURPS) (FART) What the hell are you doing?

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I touched him!

and flabby buttocks makes me want to vomit. Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother. Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds.

My God, I haven't felt that alive in years. Rupert, you know, I think perhaps I may be one of those people who gets a jolly out of being hit.

I think I know what you're getting at.

I love you, Andy!

We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do. There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.

My son got into DeVry.

Oh, Natalie Wood. Definitely Natalie Wood. Somebody save him, he can't swim! Oh, He's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick! Peter, he's a paraplegic. That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick, Joe, kick! Somebody help him!

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth. God created everything, and the world is getting colder. What is your tax plan?

(SNORING) (SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you.

That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident. That was great fun. I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball. I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow.

Dad? What do you think you're doing, Peter? You were raised Catholic. If you forsake your religion, you'll spend eternity in hell. Oh, God. I don't want that! Then you better knock off all the Jewish stuff. Well, all right. If that's what you think is best.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you people, but I didn't know where else to go. I haven't seen Peter in two days. And I just thought he might be here. What? Oh, my God. Peter's missing? Hang on, hang on, hang on. Before anyone gets too worked up, I know where Peter is. Where? I put him in a straight camp. You what?

TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? undefinedA rare miss. " don't think that was a sketch, Peter. Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy. Wait a minute. Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered... in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TVaudience?

It's the end of the world as we know it

Now, I'm trying to decide between the tossed spaghetti on a newspaper and the half yogurt with the balled-up tissue in it. Hi, there. Do you have any books on how to get rid of ghosts? Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING)

And since it's bank property, I have no choice but to place you all under arrest. JEROME: It ain't bank property no more. Jerome? What are you doing here? Listen, it's kind of all my fault this happened in the first place. I'm responsible for Horace's death.

oh, Yeah!

Because you've given me a great gift. The complete Boz Scaggs. How did you know? I just had a feeling. We're gonna miss you, Death. Hey, Don't worry. I'll be back. really, really soon. Is he joking? Ok, see you later.

Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant. What? Oh, my God, Meg, why didn't you tell me? I didn't think you wanted to see me.

I've never been defeated, except once.

What the hell's this for? When the time comes, you'll know. I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland.

Congratulations, Brian.

Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta. Wow, Mom. You look pretty. Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance... my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model. Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too.

Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake and the guy wants to know how old Meg is. I didn't know what to tell him. You're asking me? Yeah, how old is Meg? Well, I don't know. Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were the one keeping track of that. No, no, I have no idea. Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday?

Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution.

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery. Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning. Like a dairy cow.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) Which one of you is the lucky bride?

(EXCLAIMING) But don't take my word for it. Just ask my little friend Ziggy! Hi! I'm Ziggy the zygote. I'm looking forward to being an active member of your community. Can I hug you? (LAUGHING) Of course you can, Ziggy! Because even though they're not visible yet,

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old- fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing?

no! You kNow, a-Actually, I-- I think I'm gonna be ok.

"is it--Is it in yet?" Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle.

Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000. What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money? Peter, I'm waiting.

Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system. Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter. There you are. I can't turn my back on you for a second. Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device. And when I do, Mother, victory shall be--

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?

Space Camp?

I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club. I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket. Face it, Peter. You have a knack for saying the wrong thing. This sucks.

Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale.

(BOTH GROANING) Stop that. Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that? No, don't. Here you go. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it. Ah! Ah!

Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet! No!

It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me Except for you. You can touch me.

You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it. The next person you see. The very next person you see.

(SNIFFS) Nothing. You actually know what she smells like? I know what everybody smells like. - Carl? - Cheetos. - Mort? - Pennies. - Derek? - Brut. - Joe? - Feces. - Consuela? - Pledge. - Seamus? - Wood. - Quagmire? - Wood. Wow. You know, I have to admit, before this Muriel thing I actually thought you might be the murderer. Oh, my God, so insulted.

But it's gonna rain all night. I sleep here. I don't know about that. I sleep here. Can I get some covers over here?

SUSIE: Today, I saw a balloon.

God, I hate PBS. ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil, and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year.

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then.

(ROARING) (SOLDIERS CHEERING) Guys, guys, guys, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I think that was me.

If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse.

Some prisoners escaped from the work camp,

And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone! No wonder Santa lost his mind.

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever,

By the way, I bought a chimp. Hey, Peter. Do you want a menu,

I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time. Wow, what a turnout. Oh, hey, there's Glenn. Hey, guys. Hey, this is my date, Consuela.

Hey, Brian. Where were you last night, buddy? Oh, I was... I was out. I got a little wrecked after dinner, and I didn't want to drive home. Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"?

Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

Peter, you don't want to get involved with the Mob. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,

so I can undo what I did. Or we could just make the best of this. Al Gore is President. We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.

Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter?

why don't you use it more constructively? I mean, we could take a family vacation. Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom. Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Kate. You don't get it. We are the island.

Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there.

Not even if it means ending up like Shamus, here. Now, If you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. So, Were you, like, in an accident, or what? No. Me father was a tree.

PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy!

This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here. Hey, You're on our turf, man! Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad. Those are bad roaches. I blame the schools.

Ah, sorry. Thought I had more time. Hi, Daddy. Stewie's all ready. You boys have fun. There's my little guy. Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.

I love Mexicans. I'll do it!

All right, strap yourselves in, I'm about to make the jump to light speed. Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

So have a Merry Christmas and...

(CAR STARTING)

Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that?

Oh, what is it? "Faster Than the Speed of Love." (LAUGHING) That is the worst title I've ever heard. No, it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country. (LAUGHING) That's the movie Iron Eagle.

He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water? (SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

Life has new meaning to me There's beauty up above

Will you answer one question for me? Yes. Thank you so much.

You do love me, Brian. Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey. Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about our little talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all. Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00? (VOICE CRACKING) That sounds wonderful. She said yes. My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials.

I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments.

Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

We got to get you back on track. Isn't that right, buddy? (GRUNTING) Look, it's working! Okay, good. So, feral Peter, why don't you put in tape number two and let's get started. Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar!

uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street I can riot, loot, not give a hoot

(TIRES SCREECHING) Jeez. CatDog. What if they want to marry different people?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing!

(DIALING) Hey, wheely stupid head, I heard you think Meg likes you. JOE: Who is this? How are you getting this information?

Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

Boo! Why, you little snot-nosed-- Mr. Griffin! He plays kickball in the park after School. Get him there. So, Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again? Welcome back tO quahog 5 News.

Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Ooh!

Thank you, Diane. There may have been some sort of commotion on the rooftop, but the real story was inside the mouths of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman, Where a meeting of the tongues, a summit of saliva, established a new world order of love.

It also said a grand piano will fall on me.

- Hi, we're on the list. - Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs.

That is Journey.

That's it! We have to fight fire with fire. If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump!

Well, then...

Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No! (BREATHES DEEPLY)

Yeah! And We can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out! And 2 Denny's, so we can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one."

Well, I just got off the phone with Hope, and it sounds like Scotty's gonna make a full recovery. You hear that, Stewie? Looks like your little friend's gonna be okay. Oh, I don't care about him. I've got a new friend who's got leprosy. (LAUGHS) See, he's funny. Peter, are you actually reading that Christian Science book? Yeah, you know, I figured I'd give it a shot.

You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion.

Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder?

You wanna try...

LOIS: Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot. PETER: Yeah, what did I tell you, huh? Oh, God, Peter, let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now. Lois. Lois, wait. Wait! Opie's right there. I want him to look, Peter. (SHOUTING)

I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning. Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the sunshine? Are you ready for... (ALL CHEERING) You dirty... (LAUGHING) This is gonna be the best summer ever.

Well, Well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead! Oh, Good. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

Boy, I got to say, it's good to be home. Yeah. Despite all the ups and downs, things turned out for the best. I mean, really, we're no worse off than we were before. Plus, we learned something. And you can't put a price on that. Look, Lois, we all know what happened. We're all depressed.

Aw, the hell with this.

No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution. Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations. Aw, That's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn. You taped over our wedding video?

The Drunken Clam? W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois.

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh!

Don't do that. Don't do that.

No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up.

My baby! Get out there and tell those people the truth. Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

Peter! Peter Frampton! Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE? All right. If you want to live, come with me and bring your guitar,

Oh, thank you. I'm so glad you can taste it. Hey, you know what we haven't done for a while? Go around the table and everybody says what year they were born. So, kids, how was your day? Well, the sandbox was... It was great! Guess he's going first. We got a new pencil sharpener in math class! Well, that's nice. Say, Rita, who was President when you were born?

Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

(SCREAMING) (GASPS) Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it! (SOBBING)

Julie's gone! (AS STEWIE) That's fine, Brian, we're having a conversation up here! That girl in the wheelchair called me a name! (AS KARINA) Yes, well, that gives you no right to be a blaggard! Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.

Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and... Who the deuce are you?

I was just out with some of the girls, and you're not gonna believe this. I got invited to a Vogue magazine party. That guest list is more exclusive than the Garden of Eden. So, basically, you can eat from any tree you want, except this one. Can we sit underneath it? You know, I would just not go near it at all.

Oh, Chris, I'm so glad you're okay. What happened? You had a heart attack, sweetie. A heart attack? Yeah, you almost worked yourself right into the ground, buddy. It's all our fault. We never should have let you take on the pressure of being an adult. It's okay, Mom.

I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter.

You think so? Yeah, you bet. This is your shot, Brian. You can be a superstar author. All you got to do is make an impassioned anti-pot speech in public. Forget it, Carter! Even Stewie says the book is good enough on its own. Right, Stewie? (GROANING HESITANTLY) Maybe do a song about why pot is bad.

Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi. All right, fellas. I think we did it. This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death in the history of fake deaths. What do you guys want?

A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet!

Shut up!

- You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!

I can mash potato i can mash potato I can do the twist I can do the twist now tell me baby ooh. Tell me baby do you like it like this...

Who's my big brave boy, huh? Me. Who's my big brave boy? Me.

All right. Keep it in your mouth, rock star. - Great job getting hot, Meg. - Gee, thanks. - Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it.

Ugh!

It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier". You are so right. Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan! Oh. Uh... $140,000. $150,000. Brian, that sounded like Peter. Hey, Come here, you!

"Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, "but when you walk into a bank, "all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'" That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish. Well, He's only half-Jewish. You're fired.

and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens?

But what I need now is a diversion. Let's see. Mmm. "Jingle keys."

Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. Holy crap! You're one of them! Peter! Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors. Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar.

A piece of candy! Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off. It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods?

Just like I coexist with the tiny race of people who live in our carpet. (MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Dad, what's that? I think I hear music. Oh, that's the little people, Chris. They're playing music so that I will bless them with food. (FAINT CHEERING)

Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING)

going on and on, just like that.

Yeah, If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived. He said he was gonna distract the social worker. Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living? Hey, I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here?

I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect! Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, ok? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned.

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet.

Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable!

(SIGHING) It's such a big decision. Of course it's a big decision. Life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food. Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet? No. Time for some Tikka Masala.

Ugh.

Sorry, Chris, but this weekend, Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club. He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me. MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett!

Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams, and he'll think we've already changed.

Don't bring me down Music and lyrics by Stewie Griffin.

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful.

Hello, China?

"My drinking ruined my TV show, 24." You sound like two people who don't like being told they have a problem with alcohol. Okay, let's just say for a minute that I do have a drinking problem. How is being forced to join a cult for 30 days supposed to fix that?

Excuse me, sir. My name is Peter. Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey. Listen, this may be hard for you to believe, but you're my father. Oh, am I now? Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you. I suppose it's money you're wanting. I owe you some allowance and so forth.

I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

Ugh!

And apparently, it's Leonardo da Vinci. DA VINCI: Boy, I'm sick of the pizza. Well, we've gotta stop Bertram. What are we gonna do? Don't worry, Brian, I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm a genius. Like Thomas Edison. Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting. (LOUD ZAPPING)

(MOTOR REVVING) You won't get away with this. Wait till American Airlines' magazine hears about this! (KEYPAD BEEPING) Hello. American Airlines' magazine? Have I got a scoop for you.

Damn it! This is the third used-record store with that same story.

Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested. Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter. Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello. Lois, you can't possibly be considering working for Fox News.

(LAUGHS) (PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one. Brian, what happened? I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, I'm the most hated person in town.

even though I was found innocent by a jury of my peers. But what about the civil trial? Believe me, Peter, there was nothing civil about it.

I find it's easy if I make it into a little song. Red, green, blue, green, blue, blue Then you put in words I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

Oh, Mayor West, I feel exactly the same way. Please, please. Call me Mayor ChapStick. Well, we should probably go. (GASPS) Here they come. Kiss me. Come on, we gotta follow them. Stewie? Huh? Oh. Oh.

a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie, and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome. (SIREN WAILING) All right, you got my catchphrases for me?

Say what, what! Ha! Ha! Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality? Shut up, Brian. I am part of a very special community now. People with mustaches look out for each other. Hey. Oh, hey! MAN: Hey!

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

I disagree, but I respect your candor.

Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I guess. (IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, how does this taste? (CHEERING) Well, I guess she thought it was a no-pies-in-the-face kind of neighborhood. Wrong assessment of the neighborhood, sweetheart!

Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do? Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him. We had sex. We had sex! We had what Joe calls sex. Chris, honey, what's wrong?

Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass! Okay, come on now. Something serious. MAN 1: Your mom's ass!

- Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films?

Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris.

"My drinking ruined my family." "My drinking ruined my TV show, 24." You sound like two people who don't like being told they have a problem with alcohol. Okay, let's just say for a minute that I do have a drinking problem. How is being forced to join a cult for 30 days supposed to fix that? I see you got your own thing going on this week,

We have a new record for the Historical Society! The vessel goes to-- $100 million!

(ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)

All right, I guess we're doing this. Whoa. BOY: Come on down, Stewie! (HAWKS SCREAMING) STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right, you can do this, Stewie. Here we go.

(SCREAMING)

Sammy Davis Jr.? What are you doing up here? Whatever Frank tells me to do, man. Hey, Sam, get back in here and carry my golf clubs. Yes, boss. (LAUGHS) Ew. Seems kind of racist, doesn't it? No, no, 'cause Sammy's in on it. Okay. But he's still carrying the clubs.

What the... Ow! Ow! Ow! This school is not for your kind!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

We can barely take care of the two we have. Now, now, this is just a suggestion. Just throwing it out there. Have you considered abortion? Peter, I think it's too late for that. Don't let the press put the scare into you. Wade v. Boggs has not been overturned. Yeah, but you can't really abort a live baby. Oh, boy, they have got you. Glenn, Glenn...

I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor. Oh, don't worry, I watch Regis and Kelly. I can handle it. Oh, so, you know. This is my husband Ben.

(LAUGHING)

Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II. (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS) I wonder...

How about that magician, huh? Yeah, he's great. I love magicians. I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy. - I'm a magician. - You are? How long have you been doing magic? A long time. I used to work with Doug Henning. Wow. Yeah. Want to see my Doug Henning?

Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!

Let someone else worry about hurricanes. Who'd buy a wrecked bar? The bar's not wrecked. All right! Oh, thank you, God.

Hi, Dad, it's me. Just wanted you to know I got here safe. And sound? Yes, Dad, and sound. Oh! Good. The "sound" is what concerns me. Oh, it's so amazing here, Dad. Yep. You should see it. Uh-huh. - The apartment we're staying in is huge... - Uh-huh. - ...and has an incredible view of... - Uh-huh. (GASPS) Dad, something's going on. Some men just broke in.

Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.

Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. (CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING) (GIGGLES) Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard. How is he?

Freshman!

Congratulations, Brian. You're gonna be on The Bachelorette. Really? You're sure you don't want to reconsider my friend? Let me see. Oh, that ain't bad! Brian, I can't believe you're gonna be on The Bachelorette.

You're a McDonald, not a whore! I think I got a wave here! Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.

We gotta sit through this whole thing? It's not that much longer. She's number seven and there's, like, 18 people.

Anyone.

You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it! Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables!

Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da!

No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian.

Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances - Get out of here. Yeah, okay.

What does that mean? It means my return pad's explosion was the big bang. But the big bang happened, like, billions of years ago. No, no, we were outside the space-time continuum. Time and space didn't exist until my explosion. Which means I created the universe, Brian. (SCOFFS) That doesn't make any sense.

Welcome back, FARGAS.

You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea. He eats with porpoise. (LAUGHS) Oh. Peter, for God's sake, you're always an embarrassment at the table.

"I am not a crook!" Look, I mean it! All of you. Oh, God! Where's Stewie? Well, Beth, what do you think? Does Mark find you attractive? I don't know. well, Have you asked him? Not exactly. All right, look. Let's try some role-playing.

Enough of this crap. Ezekiel. Call off your boys and let's you and me finish this man-to-man. Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating. Dad, stop. Leave him alone.

Hi, I'm Peter. You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle. As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger. Why? Because I don't do drugs. Took me five minutes to get to White Castle.

I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean?

I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me. All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent.

There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall! Oh, hey, I meant to ask you did you ever find out what that button on my bureau was from? Oh, yeah. Chris' denim jacket.

He's dead. Do you think he slipped off the roof? Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object.

(MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far?

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do

Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS)

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS. Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes.

What can I get you, sir? We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles. Don't make me beg. I did love spending time here when I was a kid. All right, Mom!

I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this. Maybe this was all a big mistake. You're damn right it was. Why did I ever agree to do this? This isn't who I am. I looked in the mirror this morning, and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before.

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Meg.

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

Oh, that is terrific! It's about time you two settled down. Oh, you hear that, Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So... This is awkward, but, uh, I mean, if they can do that, that's pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean, you might as well pack it in. Game over.

What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

Peter, how come you're not at work? I got fired for being an illegal immigrant. Oh, dear. You know, Peter, you can always take a citizenship test. I mean, if Wilmer Valderrama passed, it can't be that difficult.

Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

That gives me an idea. The Drunken Clam? W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois.

including the "Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test. No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.

No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob. I'm gonna tell Mom. (MACHINE ZAPPING) (GRUNTING)

Oh, It's fun to watch rich people be naughty!

I am such a ghost!

All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING)

Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg.

HEy, Shut up! Honey, would you like some pancakes? Oh, yes! God, yes! Take me! StewiE!

Damn it, he's in the garbage again. Oh, my God! Come on! Get out of the trash. Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!

ahhh!

Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited. The black ball's done nothing wrong. If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear. Wonder what the hell's down there. Judd Hirsch? Hey.

Well, it sure would suck if you guys died without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler, who was Adolf's favorite brother. Hey, there you are.

Oh, my God! (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look. Everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this. He's right. We just gotta stay calm. With a killer in the house? Killer in the house.

Will you just anchor the news by yourself? I suppose, for the time being. Well, that's kind of exciting, right? (CHUCKLES) You sound like my mother. She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast. I guess that's sweet, huh? She... I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean?

Eric? Peter? Oh, My God, I haven't seen you since high school. Yeah! God, What are you doing these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm the green guy. No kidding? Yeah, Yeah. Jeez, God. Hey, is that Stacy Beecham? Where?

But I just don't have what it takes to be a college graduate. But you're so close. I mean, your final exam's tomorrow. You can't just give up. You could study tonight. And I think if you really work at it... Lois, it's over. All right? I'm not going. Well, whatever you say. Hey, what's in this closet?

Why would you even date a girl like that? Well, because I thought she'd be like you. Like me? Well, you got to admit, Mom, she does look a lot like you. I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know?

Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this. Look! I'm making an angel! See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. Now, smile while I write my name in you.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What the hell, man? Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ...

Hector, how long have we known each other? - Since first grade. - Yeah, yeah. You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"? " think so. Well, burn for it!

All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way. - Darn it. - Knock, knock.

I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years? It's great to see you, too, Lois. It really is. You know, the fact is, I came here hoping to run into you. Really? Well, that's nice.

And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" (CROWD LAUGHING)

Their treachery has precipitated the downfall of history's most powerful men!

MEG? Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here? They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out. Ah! What the heck?

Yes, Lois. That's how we coexist. Just like I coexist with the tiny race of people who live in our carpet. (MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Dad, what's that? I think I hear music. Oh, that's the little people, Chris. They're playing music so that I will bless them with food.

Margot, it's time to take this company in a new direction, starting with being honest with the IRS about our profits. (GRUMBLING) We're also gonna stop reading employee emails.

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here.

Oh, come on, Peter. It'd be good to have some chicks in here. Quagmire, are you nuts? This is a men's club. There's the problem. The ratio be terrible. It's a total mast-fest in here. You know, I kind of agree. Yeah, this is sort of lame. Well, we can fix that. Come on, girls, let's dance.

Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? Peter, you're, uh-- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories.

Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it! I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park.

Hey, you. Hit me.

Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE. How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight! Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time. Yes, Yes. How delightful it will be.

Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards! Well, it's--it's not an instrument! It's more of an object! But it's blunt! Hard and blunt! And, well,

You guys are gonna love this spa. They give the best massages. Your whole bodies will feel like Joe's legs. Wow. That would be nice, for a short period. I tell you, I need this. I've had a really stressful morning. Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that it's 8:25? MAN: Precisely!

So, you feel better, Meg? All better, Mom. I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun.

Oh, Stewie, stop eating like a little piggy. Maybe We should cut down on your sweets.

Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.

Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience. Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser!

Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

No, I think you're good. You think my balls are good? (LAUGHS) You're so weird. It's awesome, though. Oh, I... I don't know. Hey, have you noticed what a jerk the mailman is in this town? Like, he said there is no way Peter Griffin could crush a baby bird with his bare foot while I watched. That guy talks more crap about me...

(LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

Queen! Queen! Give me some of your hair! Come on, Queen! Don't be a bitch! Get us away from that lunatic!

Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.

Stewie, she's one year old. I think I can handle this myself. (EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)

Come on, you guys. It's been well over seven minutes. Let's go. Other people want to use the closet. You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God. Chris?

Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye!

The bullies have been so busy, they're outsourcing their bullying to India. MAN ON PHONE: Okay, do you see the back of your underwear in the mirror? Yes. Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can.

Still nothing? Is it plugged in? Okay, so plug it in. Okay, you got it? Okay, all right. No problem, all right. All right. Love you, too, Jilly bean. Okay. - What? - Nothing, I didn't say anything.

Oh, don't worry, Brian. I'll admit this is an emotional time for me but you and I are married and that's the way it's gonna stay. So, uh, any possibility of tonight being the night we finally push the beds together. Good night, Brian. Come on. Jeez, enough with that already.

punch her really hard right in her hepatitis.

You're like a black woman in hindsight.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. So they revoked your C.P.R. card, huh? Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated. Oh, Don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You still live in exciting times. Oh, Crap!

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now our feature presentation, Lawrence of Arabia, presented in its original, ultra-cinemascope letterbox format. (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA THEME PLAYING) LOIS: Well, I can't see anything.

Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he would have made me John Travolta. Peter, I'm really tired, okay? Just give the bed a try.

Hey, Stewie. How's the weather up there? Very fair. Like our prices.

in local news, a new drug craze may have quahog students licked. It's called "Toad." The Colombian Spotted Toad, to be precise, Diane. When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria that's--that's just great! This is awful. Now the drugs are in the schools?

No. He let himself have it. This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once,

But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Yay! (EXCLAIMS) Huh. That was kind of cool.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K?

I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows No stranger to you and me

Peter, what the hell? Where's your ski mask? It's kind of hard to breathe in those things, so I just dressed up like Harry Potter. (SIGHS) All right, let's go. Lois, if anything should happen to us, I want you to know, I haven't been happy for a long time. Yes, Peter, you've told me that, like, 10 times.

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

(HAN SCREAMING)

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it? Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope. Hey, Lois, look.

Are you kidding me? Are they not seeing this? I know, it's kind of creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois. Yeah. Looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.

We'll go to that fancy new spa that just opened up in Warwick. Massages and facials. Ah! It'll be great. What do you say? Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than last year when we all went to Sea World. And how long has this been going on?

Quick, set up the return pad and let's get back to our own time. Right. What's wrong? Why are we still here? I don't know. Stewie, it's not working. Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting.

Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake!

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man? Those mushrooms are messing you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked.

Take it outside, pal! Ever Heard of a sitter? Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to-- I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here,

Ahhh! (RETCHING) Ahhh!

It's clean. It's clean funny! I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are. Show them that we know comedy better than they do. Hey, I got an idea. What's the most consistently funny form of comedy in existence?

Hmm. Let me quickly grow beard and think about it. I will take Drakkar Noir. (WARBLES) (GUN SHOTS)

Diego? Sweaty. (MOANS) Thank you.

They'll tell you the same McNulty, Mulroney and Cotter and Clooney All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flannigan Look to the ground when their dad passes by Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty Fight for his honor and then start to cry

F... At. FaT.

You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation.

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

They've re-entered the atmosphere! (CHEERING) I'm not cheering. I don't even know them.

This is the first time you've opened your mouth and I haven't wanted to shit in it.

We're here at the 17th hole, where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Jr. are 5 strokes ahead, making victory all but a certainty. I told you I could mold your son into a champion.

Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea.

I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

That nose better be piggy. - Shut up. - You shut up.

All right. Uh-oh! What is it? The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie. All right, I'm gonna try something else.

Yeah. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it. Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail! Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42. All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.

(BURPING LOUDLY) Says the king.

You're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In A way, I am your father. That's not true! That's impossible. Damn it, Peter! Snap out of it! No! Ah.

Peter, where are you going? Lois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face. But Now that I've been given another chance, I'm gonna do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing. I'm gonna jump off this building. Could you repeat that, please, Peter? I believe I had something crazy in my ear.

so they don't have to be seen with me. That's gay. I don't mind being seen with you. You don't? Of course not. Wow. Well, I better go. I don't want to be tardy. That's not going to happen from missing one class. People are born that way. Now run along, or you'll be late.

I can't believe it. Everybody's gone. Well, people like that are always looking for the next voice to tell them what to do. And here I was, thinking I was making a difference. I thought I was actually connecting with people. Could there be anyone stupider than me? - Madonna? - Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid. That's something we can all agree on, right?

Not too bad. Right on.

It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods? Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Do I, d-d-Do I have to?

Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.

Hey, there. You a big fan of Jonathan Franzen?

You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere... of something exactly like this that leads me to believe this probably won't work. All right, Stewie. Let her rip. All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying. Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle.

You will find more on Germany's contribution to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided. Yeah, uh, About your pamphlet, uh, i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall erected in 15-- Wait, wait. What are you talking about?

Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were. Hey, Chris, was school any better today? No, I hate it. I never want to go back! Oh, come on, it'll get better. You just have to find your place. Let's go, Stewie. Time to change your diaper.

Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

They found us, kid. We're going back to base. Just as soon as I grab some powder with these skiing young people. (JUICY FRUIT THEME PLAYING) Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit

People are gonna miss me when I'm... (BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things. Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close. Yeah, how'd that thing fall over?

Pearl, do you rent or own?

How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin? Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm a very open-minded person, and I've never had any problem with gays before, but something about two gay people getting married, I just don't think it's right. Well, these questions are too big to be decided by human beings.

Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold. PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip...

Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick.

Master Luke, be careful! You're standing on... Threepio, please. Whatever you have to say cannot possibly be as important as this conversation.

"Peter who hasn't answered "because something has gone terribly wrong." LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you there?

God, it's good to see you. Good to see you, too.

seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore. Honey, it was just a simple operation. It's no reason to give up on your sex life. I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you,

Leia.

You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel

Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible! Oh, here's a pop-up book. "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."

yeah, You better wise up 'cause I'm telling you toad is what Lando forbids Gotta give it all up or you're gonna see your whole life will hit the skids

(INAUDIBLE)

"but I still don't like them odds." (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, I can't bear this anymore! If Stewie can't find his way out of Meg's ass, we have to enter the other realm and get him ourselves. Lois, I told you it ain't safe. I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with Dick Cheney.

and I put it all on 16 because of that Taylor Swift song, Sixteen. That song is called "Fifteen." It came up 15! Stewie, that was all the money I brought. I knew I should've brought Peter instead of you. Oh, come on, you would've done much worse with him. He's got a terrible tell.

Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin. Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over! Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened? Ah, you know me, Lois, I don't pry. Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang!

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah!

Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING)

What's in there? It feels cold. That place is strong with the dark side. But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead.

"A big, stupid doo-doo head!"

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

Too much play We went dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin' across the USA Dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin'

Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie! All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Car. Car coming! We're clear.

He's wearing a wire.

Hey, sometimes when daddies drive home drunk, they come from faraway places, but it's okay because they didn't get arrested and they're still kind of drunk so they think it's okay. You should know that Mom has emotionally let you go. It won't be long before she takes a lover. Oh, my head!

Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

Just a city boy Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere

Mr. Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home last night. Have you seen them? Oh. Wait, is he a great big fat person? He's a large man, yes, sir. No, I have not seen them.

MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt Though they tried to defeat me they can all just freakin' eat me

Hey, hi. Me again. Hey, good news. The Death Star T-shirts finally arrived. Oh! Sweet! Oh, come on. "Death Stab"? Oh, for God's sake, Christie. Why don't you fire that girl? She's actually, believe it or not, better than the last one. I thought I told you to wait on the command ship.

Bye. Okay, that was weird. That was weird. Right? Oh, my God, so weird. I tell you something, if he touches my daughter, I'm gonna be kicking butts and taking names! And then giving those names to other people whose butts I kick. (GRUNTS) - What's your name? Derek. What's your name? (GRUNTS) Michael. You're Derek now!

Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car! We have to go to that concert. We are going to that concert.

Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no.

but I'm glad I'm finally an American again. Being an immigrant is a real pain in the ass. I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture. Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal. Well, I guess everything's back to normal Oh, man, not this guy again. Oh, man, not this guy again (FARTS) Fart!

Oh, He's cute. Aren't you precious? Lethal injection. Next! What? Oh, no! You can't do this! Who's up for a little lunch? Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex? I'm sorry, sugar. Help me. Don't worry, buddy. I'll get you out of this. I'll get us the best help there is.

Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS. Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Okay, look, next time we'll go to another store. How about that? Just forget it, all right? I just want to sit here, watch the ball game and have a few beers. MAN 1: It's ball three, low and outside to Ramirez. MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base.

(BAWLING)

Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you? You haven't earned what she's earned, buddy. All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter? I'm so glad to be the real me again. It's too much work being beautiful. Not for me, but it's good to have you back, pumpkin.

You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society! Ok, let's go.

Peter, we can't afford this. No, but Mel Gibson can.

Those are my graham crackers! Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night. Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.

Peter, Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here. Yeah. Let's hit the bar, huh? Oh, Come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs. Oh, He's behind the door! Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass.

it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining.

All right, according to this map, we're approaching the northeast coast of the U.S. Get ready to land.

Peter, you already do nothing around the house, and now you're wasting more time with this nonsense. Geez, you're still getting on my hump about this? I help out around here. Just this morning I changed Meg's diaper and I sent her off to school. Boy, can she kick, but she left here spotless.

Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry.

Lois, listen. Uh, I... We--We need to talk. Oh, my, I better leave you two alone.

I suck. Hey, maybe we get out of the woods before nightfall, on account of the ghosts and all.

Okay, so I'm going to the Dagobah system... You gotta speak up. I'm going to the Dagobah system!

They've been gone for over 6 hours. How long do these vision quests usually take? Huh? Well, y'know, It varies. Y'know, It depends on the person's age, and height, and sign. You have no idea, do you? Of course i--I... No.

NARRATOR: A solitary killer, the fire truck stalks its prey.

Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist. It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si.

You're lying to yourself.

(BANGING ON DOOR) Hey! Hello! Hello, somebody! We're trapped in here! You're wasting your breath. These bank vault doors close automatically at the end of the workday. This thing won't be open again till tomorrow. Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think!

And one of them is a homosexual!

What the hell is all this? This is history, Brian. A key moment in the history of happiness. - Have a seat. - (SIGHS)

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS. Excuse me? Second request. Present hall pass.

Mom, can I be excused? I want to go eat the rest of my food up in my room. Sure, Meg, if you want. Eating disorder! I don't know what's going on with Meg. She doesn't want to leave her room these days.

"Bonerific"? Yeah, it's his catch phrase. He says it all the time. Yeah, sure. I'm in. Okay. Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

(GROANS) I got one! I think I got one! Yeah, yeah, but I got the other four. (GROANS) They're gone now. They're gone. Well, they took the gift I had for you, but at least you're okay. And that trip to the Eiffel Tower was just amazing.

Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, My God!

(SNARLING SOFTLY) All right, Peter, give me a minute. For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks, I shall break one window. Uh-huh. Look, Lois, it just seems to me that this isn't necessarily the healthiest thing for a woman your age to be doing.

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa!

There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC

Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

But you're a baby. Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. (ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to.

(CLEARING THROAT)

They're on the carpet! Got one over here! It's no good! There's too many of them!

(GASPS)

Murderer! Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.

Stewie, there's no need to... Ooh! I said no gray M&M's. These are all gray. Don't worry, Brian. I've got it all under control. You're a big canine star. They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie. Man, I wonder what he's doing now. (GASPING) Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra.

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom? Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down. Geez, what's your problem, Peter? I'm sorry, Quagmire.

How are we going to get out of here? Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw! (ALL SCREAMING)

Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time.

It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!"

Everyone, I truly want to thank you for your support and remind you that as far as casseroles go, we're good on pasta, but we could use some more dessert items. (SOBBING) Oh, I miss my baby so much, and I'm more of a chocolate person than a fruit person.

Well, because I don't believe in gay marriage. You don't believe... Lois, that's ridiculous. Gay people have every right to get married. Well, they certainly have every right to be together, but marriage should be between a man and a woman. Well, that's not how they do it in West Quahog. By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not gonna tell you where, but I'll give you a hint.

Stewie, step aside. Penelope, I can't let you do this. Stewie, she's one year old. I think I can handle this myself. (EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in.

Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed Just the women! Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married

You're cute. You're cute. I don't want to pet you, though. Oh, all right. (RETCHING) What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me. Brian, what are you doing here?

he's gonna have to do everything Carter normally does. We just have to wait and see if he slips up. All right, here he comes now. All right, Stu, now, if we can just... - No. - What? You know what you did. Hey, wait a minute. If this is an imposter,

Where would he go? I don't know. I asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead. Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope. That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock.

What does your mom do For A living? She sells seashells down by the... That is kind of a tongue twister. It's good to have you home, Peter. Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok. I sure am gonna miss being rich. Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam?

A-And look at you twO. Quasimodo and Lumpy. I--I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn. Oh, Do me! Do me next! Come on, baby girl. Let's go to the park.

Well, this is it. I guess so.

(BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?

He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass.

So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened. Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room.

A rose for the gentleman? What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here.

Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys!

oh, Hi, Meg. Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair of us to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy? Oh, Completely. We totally reamed her. D-Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.

(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) I sense something. A presence I've not felt since... (GRUNTS) Stewie, you're alive.

It was prison you were thinking of. Prison. I already banged the hammer. MAN: And now, back to Jake and the Fatman. Hey, look over here on the carpet. That's a cigarette butt. This is probably evidence. What do you think was in that Danish?

And to think, Brian, I was, like, a day away from havin' sex with you. I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian. But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh?

Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad? Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years. Stewie's having fun.

Turns out Mort's cousin is Celine's opening act. Really? What's his talent? I understand he's a magician of sorts. All right, for this next trick, I need a quarter from the audience. Okay, thank you. (FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) (DOOR SLAMMING) (CAR STARTING) (TIRES SQUEALING)

How exciting, Brian. So who's the lucky lady? Well, actually, her name is Shauna Parks. Meg's teacher? Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great.

He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free One, two, three, ho! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed No, you don't need meth and you don't need speed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Have a go, Brian.

I blew it for good, Brian. And you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint. I dated Jillian just to hurt you. It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out, like everything else.

Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter! If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take 6 months off my face. Um... I--I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i...

Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises.

uh, I do not sound like that!

Is there someone else who has a story they'd like to share? Peter? Uh, yeah, sure. This one time, I was on a city bus, and the guy next to me was eating a bucket of fried chicken. - Oooh! - Yum! And the smell was getting to me, you know. And even though I didn't know the guy, I just dug in and started stuffing that chicken into my mouth.

Guys, I'm just trying to say... Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God.

What are you doing? I'm driving. Duh. Aah! Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off? Oh, God, my life is over.

You've gone soft on me, Holy Father!

Isn't this epic, Peter?

Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"? I say, Janet, do you like this couch?

I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births!

Let's go, Peter. Let's go back to Quahog. But what about this farm? And this house? And the lab inside the house, which is currently producing an incredibly volatile and explosive batch of thermo-reactive... (EXPLOSION)

This sturdy and portable hammock from Swingway turns any patio into a tropical paradise. And you can entertain yourself on your patio by drawing with chalk! Yes, Pratt and Millwood eight-color pastel chalk will turn your patio into a tropical art studio. But you'll have to pack your chalk,

Prepare to fire giant boob-nipple gun.

(HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done

- Ha! You should tweet that. - Okay.

(HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.

(EXCLAIMING) (LET'S GET LOUD PLAYING) Let's get loud, let's get loud Turn the music up, let's do it, come on, people, let's get loud Let's get loud

I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful, and you've completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit!

Oh, God! You're a monster.

Thank you. All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year.

Hey, Brian, did you see that treadmill - in the living room? Yeah.

(CAR HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECH) Oh, my God! Are you all right? I'm fine. Lucky for you, this tree was my destination. And the job exchange begins. (CHIRPING) Sir, do you want to move ahead on the agreement with the sanitation union?

W-w-waiT, you can't stay herE. Why noT? You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper? Oh, It's ok, Death. You just worry about feelin' better. Lois, What the hell are you doing? Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't diE. Go on. That's iT.

In French, when you want to say "yes," you say oui, oui. You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"?

You can have the boat or the mystery box. What, Are you crazy? We'll take the boat. No--no, Not so fast, Lois. A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go. That's why that little symbol with the two crossed arrows is up there in the corner. There's your problem. Oh, my God! I feel silly.

Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris.

I just... I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie.

(LAUGHING)

Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance! Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed. Oh, my God!

Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987.

Oh. Well, They did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful. Ok, let's go from the top of Scene 7. Action! "Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. "You must go to him. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, "truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good!

I wonder how your father's first day at work went? Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit. Hello, Lois. (GASPS) Patrick! It's been a long time. (HUSHED TONE) Peter, he's here! Wait a second, Lois. I want to go back to what you said about my patter singing. Who gives you the right?

You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"?

Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job. Dropped some pepperoni on there. You know what? That works. Sew it up. PETER: Michael was one of our brothers. He was a good man. He was a kind man.

Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name?

And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby. Please, Brian.

but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip,

Well, that's it. I am going down to that rally tomorrow and I am joining the Tea Party!

She was in the military. She's seen battle. She's seen innocent people butchered by war machines. And I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice that Kevin made. No, Brian, I do not understand Kevin's choice, and I do not support it. Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny.

I just wanted to check in with you. You know, sometimes life happens so fast, we miss the most important part, which is sharing it. Uh-huh. You see, Chris, I care about you, and if there is ever anything you ever want to talk about or if you just want some company, I'm here for you. So, how's it hanging?

You don't seem very excited. I mean, this is a huge deal for me. The Chief is even throwing me a party tonight. I don't know if I can take another evening of sympathetic eye contact from all the other wives. Well, just so you know, this is a really big deal! They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante!

Oh, my God. Are you Ryan Reynolds?

He got a hooker. Ha! No, no, but she is a prostitute.

I really like this restaurant.

Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts. f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today.

Put it out! Put it out! Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

Come on. You're only 50. You heard me. Will you marry me? Oh, Brian. Yes! Yes, Brian, I'll marry you! Hey, Mom. Hey, Brian. We'll be upstairs. Yo, Rita. You want in on this? No, thanks. We just got engaged. I'm faithful to Brian now.

"I have never been able to figure out if you are famous. "You were a big deal in one thing, "but you were wearing a mask for most of it. "Do you consider your career a disappointment? "Or rather, did you exceed your own expectations? "Yours truly, Peter Griffin.

Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time!

I guess you were right about that puma. I don't know what I was thinking. I should've listened to you. Peter, I don't care about that. I acted like a real jerk, and I'm sorry, Lois. I know you just get on my case 'cause you're looking out for me.

I guess he fits the profile, Peter, but Lois' brother is locked up in an asylum. Well, either way, we gotta get out of here. Otherwise, we're just sitting ducks! Hey, we all know this guy goes for the classy ladies. In fact, I once caught him trying to pick up a quack whore.

Meg, you're doing a great job. In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you so much. Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee. Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices.

Wait a second. It's coming. There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!

Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power. Only one man can stop him.

Happy anniversary, Lois.

Uh, I think there's just an outhouse, Peter. HEy, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh!

Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Hey, Chris. Uh, can I ask you a question? Sure, what's up? Um, remember that "free hug" coupon you gave me for my ninth birthday - that I never used? Yeah. Well, I'd like to use it. Oh. Okay. Sure.

He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin. Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration. Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy?

Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do. TIN MAN AND SCARECROW: What's that? Talk me out of it. BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no. What the hell is going on up there?

You and me just running into each other. How're you doing? Fine. Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass. And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry.

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often. Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said, "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful? Will you people quiet down? I'm trying to watch Medium.

I think I can help. What are you doing? My job. Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.

Peter, You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there. Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise. Then at least let me drive! Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. heh, A woman driving. That's adorable. Peter, I don't think... Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car!

Girlfriend, you know what time it is? No. What time is it? It's time for you to get your groove back...again!

Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

How about this one? "In your face, Nancy Grace."

Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again.

I have the power!

MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that?

You got any dents you need hammered out?

Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man. Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas? Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa!

I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine. All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C. (CRACKLING) Quick! Get us out of here! (T-REX ROARING) Boy, that was close.

Peter, for God's sake. (Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore. I missed you so much.

I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this.

Okay, I'm gonna go in there with her. You just sit out here and be quiet. Here, watch one of her movies or something. Ugh! Charlie St. Cloud? And why are there so many fingerprints on this? Who's handling their Charlie St. Cloud DVD all the time?

let's ceLebrate

Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato?

Sorry. And every other school we've tried just doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris.

(POLICE SIREN WAILS) Can I see your driver's license and registration, please? Is there a problem, Officer? QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys!

MAN: Had a lot of help down here, Neil.

Hey, Brian, have you seen the remote? I want to watch The Weather Channel. There are tornados in the Midwest, and I like watching poor people scramble to save what little they have. I don't know where the remote is. All right, I'll find it myself.

So, do you want to talk,

Plus the timing seemed good 'cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge. Who took my checkbook? Ellen? Why is there a pen cap and no pen? You're the first person to recognize me in 2,000 years. Well, you seem like a nice guy. Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast.

Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles.

(BEEPING)

Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap and tawdry.

I got some blow. Son of a bitch! It took you this long to tell me? Break it out, man!

and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

And have you ever struck your wife? Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.

Big chair. No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair. Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points. But thank you for playing.

That's me. I'm Bob Funland. What? Y-You own this whole place? That's right! This place is my legacy! So what have you done with your life, you jerk? Uh, uh... I'm Neptune, God Of The Sea! I sink ships and conjure up storms! No, you're not. I am.

Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois. "He rubbed her shoulder sensually." What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder. Why don't you and that book get a room? Did you hear what I said, Brian? I said, I said, "Why don't you and that..." "That book get a room." Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure you heard.

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite.

(SIGHS) Look, Meg, I know you've been having a hard time lately, so I wanted to give you something that means a lot to me.

to getting back at the white man for the injustice of slavery by inventing the Department of Motor Vehicles. Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line...

Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

She heard that Chris is dying! Your brother's ok. That was just a little white lie me and Chris came up with to save a T.V. show. So he's not going to die? No.

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch. (MR. NIGHT PLAYING)

I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes. I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien. I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens.

(SIGHING) (BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

You should've seen him when we had dinner with Paul McCartney's ex-wife. He kept playing footsie with her under the table. (GIGGLING) (WOOD CLATTERING) Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television. I'm telling you, it's great, Bill. The only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here. My God! It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring!

You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

- Yes, sir. - Good. Just checking. Have a good night, Son. PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

I should warn you, I have a tiny bullet-proof shield, the exact size of a bullet, somewhere on my body. And if you hit it, I'll be unharmed, and your plan will be foiled. You'll be the laughingstock of me.

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David.

Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license. Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again! You're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

(SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear. You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married? You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear?" Well, this is it. This is it.

Help! Help! Somebody, help me!

Yes. You're right, Brian. There is. Meg seems to think she's taking some kind of stand here, that's gonna make us all feel like we're inadequate. My God, you're condescending. I'm making a legitimate point about how poorly this family treats me. Brian, you can't say this family doesn't treat me like crap. Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up.

I know. Now stick your finger in there and twist it.

Pearl! Come on, Pearl! Don't do this! You should be happy! I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor!

You came unarmed? As we agreed. Admirable. But foolish! Ahh! It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary.

House. Roadhouse. That, too.

And the other night, I had to do a... Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night.

What's with all these labels, man? Autobots, Decepticons, gay, straight, just pick a few robots, and let's party. Hey, what's going on in here? Oh, hello, Brian. We're playing Transformers. Oh, cool. Who's this little guy? It's my new friend, Scotty. Do you mind? We're busy. Oh. Hi, doggie. You want to play with us? Scotty, Scotty, it's fine. It's fine. You don't have to. He doesn't know Transformers.

That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane. Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Okay, Larry, now, how does a Hispanic maid address her employer if his name is John Sullivan? Is it A, John? Or B, Mr. Sullivan? Uh, I'm gonna go with Mr. Sullivan. (BUZZER SOUNDS) Oh, that was a trick question. Consuela, what would you say? Mr. John. That's correct.

(ROARING) All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire.

Hi, my name is Walt and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Walt. I used to be out of control. I used to drink from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I'd get in fights and have crazy sex with hookers all night. But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year. Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend.

My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.

I am gonna stop pollution with my new lovable character... Gary the No-Trash Cougar. Pick up your trash! I want to know whose cup this is. I said I want to know whose cup this is! Pick it up!

Oh, look who it is. Only 14 hours late. If you don't want to spend time with me, Peter, that's fine. But at least don't make me wait up all night for you. Lois, I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight.

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID."

Hmm. We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!

We lost her.

It's Enrico Palazzo! No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals! Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) Quick, get on!

and I get to shout, "Admiral Akbar," when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim. Peter, where are you going? And why are you dressed like that? Well, Lois, I happen to be a Muslim now, which means I'll be spending a lot of my time in mostly-empty cafes,

If this is what makes you happy, we support you. My God! I thought I needed to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life, but the only thing I'm missing is my family. How could I ever become involved in this filthy, degrading business? And the award goes to...

A big raise! Peter, that's wonderful!

What the fuck was that?

Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet. How would you like to take a half-pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese? What? I don't... I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing.

I want us to be together again as a family, and I promise I'll never betray you again. I love you, Cleveland. Uh... I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches.

I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.

$100 million!

Okay, Peter, I'm off to my book club. You'll babysit Stewie? Only if I can have a Pawsicle. Only if you say it right. Popsicle. Good. And you better be responsible tonight. I don't want a repeat of the last time I left you alone with one of our children. (SOBBING) It's just so horrible.

It'll teach him a lesson about being tough. Peter, he's just a baby. You got to let this go. My baby boy got beat up by a girl. What was weird was that she was crying, but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying, which was weird. Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V.

Who is it? It's me, Peter. I'm standing right here. This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot. Oh, boy, that whole day was a mess, huh? What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family. I thought being rich would solve all my problems,

In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art.

(LAUGHS) You're so weird. It's awesome, though. Oh, I...

Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high? Not anymore. I crashed hours ago. By the way, we're out of chips, cookies, and Funny Bones.

You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant? Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free....

f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps.

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

But I hate baseball cards. Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues The movie never ends ft goes on and on

(SNICKERS) That's gonna be his catchphrase. How did you afford that wood stove? Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove store and said, "Put it on my bill." (BOTH LAUGHING) - You with me? I sure am! - You with me now? - I love it!

A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God! (DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

Ralph Staub, Henry B. Walthall. Who the fuck are these people?

Oh, my God! You don't care about him at all, do you? All you care about are your stupid ratings! You're a horrible man! Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil!

That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out.

(PLAYING LA CUCARACHA ON ORGAN)

The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to each other. Peter, I-- Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR.

I was kind of getting used to the idea of having a little brother or sister. Peter, we can't risk these things anymore. You're absolutely right. Lois, you're getting your tubes tied. Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy. First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way. Peter, it's the male equivalent of a woman getting her tubes tied,

LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois. I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Yeah! Peter, would you get in the damn bed? I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever. I gave out all my invitations yesterday. Hey, Chris, I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party tomorrow. Thanks, Dad. I'd love to.

"So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever." The end.

Gross. I still think you're neat though.

Heart and soul

Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward.

A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations. A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting. And where Ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat. We're the proud nation where someone can shoot up their entire workplace with a thing,

Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country.

Slothful sinners! You're here to work, not sit around with your... Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father. I am not worthy. Rise, my son. You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation of God's great love within us all.

Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears.

I'll--I'll take it from here, Julio. Uh, Here you go, Mr. Eisner. It's, uh, It's been Brian-ized. You might notice that new-script smell. Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener, and a copy of my can't-miss coming-of-age teen comedy set in Wisconsin. What's your name?

All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C.

He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me. MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Nice bike. If that's not the understatement of the century. It's cool. Too cool for you! No, no. I--I think it's right where I'm at. Out of my way! Oh, I see. Yes, yes, i--I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues.

Thank you, Mr. President. Thanks, Dutch. And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING) That still doesn't explain what you're doing here.

Aw, they got tuckered out. Of course they did, they ran, like, two miles for them.

We can start our own father-son business. hey! What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy? Pop, why you gotta be like that? We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines. That's my boy.

What? Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh? Huh? Would it not?

PETER: Hey, you know how the judge told us not to make up our minds beforehand? Let's make up our minds. MAN: Griffin, shut up! PETER: Hey, I know the judge said not to run in the hall, but check this out! (PETER LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Black Jesus The kingdom of God is inside you, at least it will be in a second. WOMAN: Black Jesus

Is that Tom Bosley? What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switzerland? I--I'm almost certain. Tom! Did he look? I don't know. well, If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley! No, it's not him. Oh.

(SIGHS) Excuse me, sir. This is private property. What are you doing? Just taking it all in. You're staring at my daughter's bedroom. She's really grown into her body. This is gonna be a fun summer for her.

Y-You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.

I look even more foolish than when I was at that cocktail party. All right, you're gonna love this. So.... Hang on a sec.

Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s. It shouldn't be in this jukebox. Wait, wait, can I have that record? I love that song. I'll let you have sex with my daughter. I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like.

(ARGUING)

Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy. Well, you've effectively ended my reign of coolness, haven't you? You're a disgrace, you know that? Hey, you're the one with the tiny penis.

Oh, my God, that hurts! Oh, no, You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that anklE. This is all your fault. And there's only one solution.

Well, maybe just to keep up appearances in front of the family. You know, peer pressure and all that. But from now on, Meg, you and me are secret best friends.

And now the real reason to have an HDTV.

I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart!

He's aight.

Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you? They're your kids! I know, and I love them.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Mr. G. How's it going? Quagmire, what are you doing here? Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys. Me and Glenn are going out. What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis! Okay, you two have fun on your date. What? Drive carefully. We'll see you later.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

Oh, I knew it was... I knew it would look cool. Wait, don't we have to put an earring in it so the hole won't close? I don't think it's gonna close. I can't believe I have pierced ears. I'm one of those people who I talk about.

Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of The D'Oyly Carte Opera Company. (SIGHS)

"Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet?

(LION ROARING) (TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef.

I'll see you a fork and raise you A gravy ladle. You're on! So, you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg. Yes, yes. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call. All right. Saltshaker up the nose. I got pepper. Ha! Ha!

It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant. PETER: No, you're going to yell at me! You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names.

I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over!

She totally betrayed me! I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other. Ha! Slut!

Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR.

And what does it matter? It was terrible anyway! We've had this conversation! Do yourself a favor and move on! Well, that's interesting, Brian, because I found this buried in the backyard next to your soup bone. (GASPS) Stewie, I... You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches.

I'm a banana I'm a banana Peel the banana Peel the banana Now go bananas! Go, go bananas!

Ah, I can't believe you're serving a 3-year sentence, it seems so harsh. Well, The only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I--I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life.

my parents tried to feed me the same nonsense about premarital sex. You're lying to yourself. Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this? Vaginal intercourse is...

My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis,

Hey, Rush? Is it okay to hang out in here? All right, fine. Just don't say anything, okay?

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's. Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go.

Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? No. Not necessarily. (GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution.

Good. 'Cause what I want to do is stay here, get drunk and watch TV. TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Michael McDonald During Allergy Season. (GASPS) (GASPS IN HIGHER PITCH) (GASPING IN TREMOLO) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY)

Cowards! What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds. Um... I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it?

Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.

What god would allow this? This is in none of the songs or poetry. It's a horror show up here! How could you let this happen? Me? I didn't do this. Christmas did!

Jackpot!

Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch. Look, I have to go.

"The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature. "A woman embraces life.

I am vanquished. I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy! Uh, Excuse me.

(CHICKEN SQUEAKS)

But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here. You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military.

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is.

Mom, can I just open my presents now? All right, Meg. (PAPER RIPPING) Thank you. What the... Hey, let's see what else we got here. The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD. BOY: You're welcome. Stewie, what are you doing? You can't open Meg's gifts.

Well, Brian, it's been a productive week. I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is. Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods, who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah.

Why? Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that. I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past? I mean, you could make life better for yourself. And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11.

No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

Sometimes, it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes, we should cherish what we already have. Like a very special friendship. Let's say like the one you and I share that someone like me wouldn't change for anything in the world.

f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy.

Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!

What? What?

Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off. It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods? Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who?

Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is?

I didn't wreck T.V.! My dad did! What? What'd she say? Peter Griffin ruined T.V.? And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard.

Barkeep, petro-nemo-slappy-wag. That's Petorian for, "More beer, you slappy-wag." You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to $50. I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. D-d-Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks, while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?

No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No.

How did you get that? IT was e-mailed to me by your H.M.O. Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH?

Those are hilarious. This is amazing, Brian. How do you feel? You're a hit! It's overwhelming. This is all I've ever wanted, you know? For people to appreciate and respect my writing. I want to write a play! (CHUCKLES) That's cute, Stewie. Maybe someday. No, I'm going to write a play. I can do lots of things.

Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it. Isn't it wonderful that everything's back to normal?

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna, and she's doing a great job. Loretta's a nobody. Diane Simmons is a star. Look, Lois, You wanted me to sell tickets, right? Well, People who never even been in a theater'll come see A show with Diane Simmons. I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter.

He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks. Well, all in all, you should be thankful. I think the Kennedys had a kid like you, and they had it put to sleep.

Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along?

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I... (BOTH GASPING) Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom. No. A four-year-old died in the ball pit. We had to cancel. Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend?

Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me?

- Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down. Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about?

But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert?

(GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know. You idiot! This is your fault.

I'm a little biased myself, but at least I'm willing to admit it. Imagine that, the two of them going at it? An oversized Armani suit and an oversized, cheap windbreaker tossed casually on the floor? Look, they started this, Lois, but it's up to you to finish it. I guess you're right, Brian. Next day at work, Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there. Stewie, shut up!

(GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap. Well, you can't fight City Hall.

All right, Meg, according to the contract... every night, you have to put on my pajamas. My mom's record is 12 seconds. - Neil, I think you're old enough to-- - Go! - Would you stop kicking? Just hold still. - That's tickling. It tickles. - My thumb. - Hold still. Quit it....

And go have sex with Quagmire. Quagmire! Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity! (SQUEAKING) Well, of course, Bonnie. I'd love to help. Thank you so much, Lois. No problem. Meg? Meg, sweetie? Yeah, Mom?

And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then, son, You know... Oh, my God!

See that bulge down there, Brian? What is that? What is it? Can't be my pointy teeth, 'cause those are all the way up here. I'll let you in on a little secret. (WHISPERS) Happy Halloween.

Ahh! ahh! AHh! ahh!

Peter, could you move your arm, please? Just slide over. Please. Lois. LOIS. God, It's like moving a futon. LOIS! Just slide your leg over! Peter, pleaSE! Ohh! Ohh! Well, Lois, at least one of us is in the Mile-High Club. Ugh.

Hey, Chris, get in here. Yeah, Dad? We are gonna find you a hobby. - What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck. Hey, Christopher. What you up to? Hi, Mr. Herbert.

Hello? Karen! All right Meg, I'm gonna need you to boil some water. And girls, I'm gonna need towels, lots of them! Ok, let's go! Aw jEEz, i'm--I'm sorry, Meg's friends. Look, I'll make it up to you.

Bonnie, I'm so sorry I got you arrested. No, it's all right, Meg. Look, I was a teenage girl with a crush at one time myself. I know sometimes it makes you lose touch. Thanks for being so understanding. I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble. I mean, you're not gonna go to jail or anything, are you? No, I'll be around.

Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter. ahh! Ahh!

Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

What about my interview? Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

This sucks. Can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA. You know, if you ask me, this is gonna be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn. What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.

I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly...

You gotta feel it here 'Cause if you feel it here Well, then you're gonna be Honestly sincere (WOMEN SCREAMING)

It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people.

What a delightful moniker. You see, Misty, my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion. I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse.

I guess. What's your namE?

Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first.

I know plenty of people who give things away. Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Free-- I'll take it! Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea. I knew there was a catch.

Tell me that's not epic.

For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

So, you guys are my best friends, and this is where we hang out? That's right. I'm Quagmire, and this is Joe. So, what do we do here? Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do. Giggity Giggity.

You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay?

Come clean, man. YEah. Yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.

Oh, hello, Lois. Peter. What are you doin' here and where are your clothes? Oh, did I forget my clothes? Oh, You know, I'd leave my ass behind if it wasn't so perfectly attached to my sternum. Perhaps I should cover myself.

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything.

We're just going to give you a series of experimental injections and record the results. - What's this one? - We call this the squirrel gene. Its effects will become apparent shortly. (CHIRPING)

Santa?

My poop. That's right, and it's disgusting.

You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do. Woo-hoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now. Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh!

I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it! Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands right there? It'll help me relax.

I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

Oh, that is so interesting, Danny Aiello. You've got the best Spike Lee stories. What's that? You want to meet my wife? Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello.

Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois. Chris, you check the basement with Herbert. Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie. No, she can't. Yeah, she can't. We were gonna use this time to figure out what to get you for your birthday.

All right, so now let's start filling up some other places.

which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them. ...of being on a frozen mountaintop! Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend... Jerome? Loose Lois?

Ghost. - Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole. Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom.

Yeah, okay. Well, can you just give him this flier?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. (LAUGHS) I mean your daughter's in a coma. Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter.

heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?

Looking for that scroll, huh? Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself.

No, we're not laughing at you. We're laughing at Griffin's shoes. Why, what's wrong with them? I don't even know what those are. What's Teslik? I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes. Running, throwing, lifting big things.

I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? You're cute. Done. As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us.

(SINGING)

"E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight.

(ROARING) And that's why they were such vicious killers. He couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short

Say, listen, Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile, but there's one person I really want you to meet. Oh, yeah? Who's that? The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power.

I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh... Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh... You only have one leg, sir.

Oh! Oh, Well, it's not love, but it's a start! Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world! Cookie? Oh, yes, Of course you can have a cookie. Stay right there. "Cookie." Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun Dance and shout 'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt Though they tried to defeat me they can all just freakin' eat me 'cause he blew all of us away

(INCOHERENTLY SPEAKING) Uh, I--I don't... W-W-What's-- What's the problem? Ah! Okay. Thank you. (MUMBLING) Amazing grace

there is only Christobel. Hey, that's not art! Amateur! Hey, that's my dad! Except for that one. That's my dad if he were a cat. He's the whole reason I'm here. Ladies and gentlemen,

Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those?

Peek-a-boo! I see you!

I was wondering if my friends and I could ask you a few questions. Yeah, where'd you hear that dirty joke you told Cleveland? That's none of your business. Leave me alone! Don't let him get away! (HORN BLARING)

But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg." ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud. Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family.

Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me.

I don't mind not knowing What I'm headed for You can take me to the skies

Now, don't take it like that. Some of them are all right. But you know what I mean, they're all over the place. How about me, Tucker, am I all right? Well, of course you're all right. (GASPING) Imagine that. What happened to me? I've become my father.

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts?

Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha! Hmm. Ugh!

And Now back to the Movie of the Week, Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that.

I think we may have identified our blunt object.

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him. You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. She was?

Yes. Yes, I will. Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear I'll love you for all time

Peter, what's all this? Quagmire loaned me this book called the Kama Sutra. It's Indian. And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper? I don't know, Peter. That doesn't sound very sexy. What are you talking about? Bombay is sperm city.

Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets!

BOTH: Mmm... By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute,

Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward. It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it?

I know a lot of you are already on my side. And for you naysayers, I have 2 strong words for you. Come on! Come on! OkAy. Yeah, Okay. - sure. All right. - Done. Thank you, ladies and, uh--

Well, like it or not, you got to stick it out for 30 days. You know what sucks, Brian? We don't got a problem with our drinking. It's everybody else who's got a problem with our drinking. Wait a minute. Peter, that's it. The issue isn't that these people are alcoholics. They just have nowhere to drink without being judged. She slams us into the monkey bars,

I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

All right, then, let's negotiate. We want everything. We'll give you nothing. We want something. Deal.

Peter, thanks a lot for havin' us out on your boat. No problem. Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual don't mind comin' in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos.

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

Hey, Connie pulled a power move. And When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. You say, ok.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian?

All right, class, today's final exam will consist of two parts, oral and anal. Dad, we got to go back to school, real school. What do you mean? The goat flu outbreak at school is over, and honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything. Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything. Watch.

Come sit with me. O-Ok. Ohh!

You're, uh, You're completely...

Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

Listen, I think you're a real nice guy, but I've just decided to go with another paper. Hello there, Kyle. You look nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Here's your paper. What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd!

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later.

I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment. Well, What are we gonna do?

(SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

Why didn't you say anything? Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to... Wait... You didn't want to move in with me? Well, honestly, no. Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian!

Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it! This is awesome. Now that we're rich, our lives are going to be so much better. You sure it was such a good idea to cash that lottery check? It seems foolish to have all this money lying around.

All right. Slutty cat and Optimus Prime. Into the closet. (ALL GIGGLING) Oh, my God, you're gonna hook up. With a boy. I know. I can't believe it. Oh, I feel as pretty as Scarlett Johansson.

I'll try. Thanks, Mom. I love you.

What you did to these kids... There is a special place in hell for people like you.

...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What?

I always wondered about psychics, but I gotta tell you, I'm a believer now. Yeah, I'm gonna go back and see what else she has to say. Hey, check it out. Chris and Stewie, you're on the front page of the paper. You know, Chris, that girl from school sees that picture and you're in. Look, Stewie, I'm not really gonna ask her out. I think that just might have been cocky forest talk.

Hey, what's this? Hey, you guys, this says a King of Kings will be born in Bethlehem, and we are to go and pay tribute. Hey, let me see that. This says, "Three Magi or Resident." I don't think they really care if it's us. Yeah, I don't want to go, either.

Is that a real show? No, it's just... No. Somebody's making a joke. Forget it.

It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

LOIS: Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot. PETER: Yeah, what did I tell you, huh? Oh, God, Peter, let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now. Lois. Lois, wait. Wait! Opie's right there. I want him to look, Peter.

Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk. (ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on? Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars?

My life is awesome. I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to lift yourself into a wheelchair every morning? To have your wife look at you like you're half a man? To get preferential parking? To board a plane early with the first-class people and gold card members? All right, it's not all bad.

Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING)

Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language.

I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to... ...here with your BS. Oh, he's really had it this time. I'm sorry, Louie! All right, then.

All right, that's enough.

(MUSIC FADING OUT) Well, that's it. Three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets. Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets.

Dude, those animals are so fucking funny,

the red one or the b-blue one. Ok, Ok. Just relax. Just relax. Let's see. Uh, uh, First, why don't you attach that green one to that purple one? Ok, here goes. Oh, God! That kill me? I was afraid of that. all right, Try the green one and the blue one. Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money.

God damn it. UGh. My God. Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

BRIAN: Lois, I'd really like to talk about this. - No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay.

I'm feeling shipshape. If the ship is the S.S. Minnow. Doctor said I'd be making bland jokes for about a week, then I'd be good as new. That's good to hear. Well, we were just on our way up to Fenway. You got tickets? That's sweet. You know, there's no better outing than watching nine innings. (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry, I'll perk up at the game.

He's a family guy

By the way, Bonnie... we just finished reading The Da Vinci Code at my book club. You were right. It's terrific. Let me guess. Some flowery, 300-page, menopausal masturbatory aid. I loved it. And the chapters are only about two pages long. So you feel really smart when you read it. Take it outside, Lois.

Yeah, I don't want to go, either. Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow? We're off to Bethlehem! (CANNED LAUGHTER) CHORUS: Wise men

And if we don't show them we appreciate their loyalty, they're gonna go someplace else. For what? Not to alarm anyone, but some guy took me in the closet and tried me on. She's right, Dad. None of this makes any sense. Meg, go take your 10. And you may consider this a verbal warning. Peter, I want these people to leave. I fit, by the way. Lois, I'd love nothing more than to sit here and chat with you,

I can't believe Horace is dead.

Were you followed? Don't worry. I've got a decoy.

Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here. Some people, gee whiz. Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan. Do I at least call him Jon? No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys?

I'll just make my own sitcom in my head. And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme. This time around I'm staying at home And things are gonna get better Settling in, loving my wife

Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich, we'll get you to the hospital. You bastard. There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

I could get you a lot more work if you sign with my agency. Really? Oh, my God! How exciting. Well, here's my card. Give me a call. Now, perhaps some young gentleman would like to light me up. Allow me. So, what's going on?

(ALL GASPING) Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson. Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working? So, I see you're in a band. Yep!

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Cleveland, these lobster traps aren't going to catch any intruders.

You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING) (ALL GASPING)

That must be the key to their power! Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa! I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened.

I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell!

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

Sorry, Lois. Regulations.

Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on The Price is Right. ANNOUNCER: Lindsay, your showcase is all about relaxation. And what better place to relax than in your brand-new hammock?

One which leaves this reporter asking-- How much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we the people endure? Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The clitoris-- Nature's rubik'S cUbE."

Wow, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by. You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

Stewie, look what Mommy made for dessert. Ooh, Jell-O. How exotic! Why, I feel like I'm on the deck of the qE ii.

So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand. Our son is a deserter. Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail. Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie. Joe, you can't! Bonnie, we'll discuss this later!

My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Oh, my God! Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. I'm talking about that! Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto! Ah, This is it, pal. We're goners. Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.

You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball! Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side.

Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian, I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days.

Oh, what happened to that kid? He fell off a stool trying to turn off Maury Povich. This is awful! Where's your teacher? Probably out back. Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off.

Brian, don't be crue-el.

Hi, Peter, how are you? Never mind that, Bonnie, I'm here to induce birth. Follow me. Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet, and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain-dead, it'll come rushing out to change the channel.

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS) (GROWLING)

I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson! Peter, the toilet paper is made of money. Yeah, and look at this. They even got some of that high-class British porn. Almost. Almost. Almost.

I'm glad you're here. Look, I pulled this all apart,

Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates. Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt. Well, this is a quaint little party you guys are throwing. Hey, Bill, would you help me program my Zune? Oh, wait, I have an iPod, like the rest of the world. Why, you... (GRUNTING) (GROANS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Ahhh! Get out of here, you little bastard. I knew this was the right thing to do. Hup!

HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards! Well, it's--it's not an instrument! It's more of an object! But it's blunt! Hard and blunt! And, well, it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was raking! Let's go!

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

I say, constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle. Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice! I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk.

Hold on, kids. That's not your money yet. The law says you gotta put up signs and wait 2 weeks for someone to claim it. If no one does, it's yours. Ah, Lunch is here.

I'm really glad that you kept me from doing what I was going to do. Well, that's what parents are for, Meg. No matter what age you are. We love you and we just never want to see you hurt. I only wish I'd seen what was going on from the start, like your father did. Well, I know the signs, because the same thing happened to me.

Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate. I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha. Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure.

(SCOFFING) Yeah, yeah, yeah... Fine! I googled myself, okay? You got me! But check this out. I found a website for a group called the Rhode Island Society for Special Literary Excellence, and they happen to have chosen to read and discuss my book, Faster Than The Speed Of Love. See? I knew it was just a matter of time before somebody would recognize my genius. Whoa! Take it easy.

Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed. Uh... Lois, aren't you a little freaked out by this? Why? Everybody's having a great time. Besides, think of the money we're making. I don't care about that. I wanted a cool restaurant, not the cafeteria at the veterans' hospital. This is weirder than that rap video by M.C. Escher.

I guess I'll have to, but he doesn't take bad news very well. Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died. (HISSING) (SCREAMING)

Hugh Downs away!

This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe.

Aww... Too soon? Hey, it could be worse. (MECHANICAL ECHOING) It's worse. The walls are closing. (ALL SCREAMING) LOIS: Oh, my God! Listen to them, R2, they're dying!

Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys.

I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F.

Help! Help! Somebody, help me! Ben Stiller, help me.

Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt. Hey, Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, huh? No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all!

In fact, you're mentally retarded. Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy... have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results? Maybe. Uh-oh. Congratulations.

And beneath that is a rapist. My name is Amanda. And my water just broke. Oh, my God! Yo, it's my turn to deliver. Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away.

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!

(ALL GASPING)

Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back.

Well, luckily the value of this place plummeted because this is a meth town now. You know, I think the lesson here is that if your community has problems, you don't abandon it.

Risky. Very risky. All right, fun's over. What do you want me to read? We want you to read your new contract! (GASPS) You mean it? Absolutely! You're hired! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas! Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay. (LUCK BE A LADY PLAYING)

You okay, fat ass?

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Excuse me? I said, "May I have a blanket?" Oh, yes. Of course. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes, so now it is official. Let me touch your face! Lois, we could use your help in Coach. Ok, e-everyone, it's time for my one-man show, Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye.

Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best new Director." A Woody? I'm up for a Woody? Come on, Call your family. I'll bet they'll be really proud of you. No, I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut peddler. Brian, they're your family. They'll love you even if you made A couple of crappy movies. I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. Ooh! Score one for me!

I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD)

MALE VOICE: Somebody's in here.

Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Don't we need to have a whole new election? There. Now no one will have heard him say that. We all heard him say it.

It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2.

Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle!

but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe.

Hey, LaDawn. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah. Just me, Stewie. Just being myself. Yeah. Well, this here? It's just my package. Just my package. God delivered it, I signed for it. World keeps on spinning. Yeah.

I know you just get on my case 'cause you're looking out for me. I am, Peter. And it's only because I love you, and I want the best for you and our family. I love you, too, Lois. Isn't anybody gonna thank me?

Has Dad found a permanent job yet? Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. Well, Clearly it's not that tube top.

you know, in a couple of years, something's going to come along called Sesame Street. And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind. The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois.

Okay, I got it. Joe can't investigate if he's distracted, right? Well, what's more distracting than texts about dinner plans? Mmm. These burn ignition patterns aren't consistent with an electrical fire. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Would love to.

Yeah, I can't wait to fire all them city employees, starting with that half-asleep construction worker. What the hell? Which one is it? Stop or go forward? This is a big deal. They're not at all similar.

And I learned something today.

So my advice to the two of you would be... According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival And we just might live the good life yet (HUMMING)

Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. And I'm sorry I have no talent. Aw, That's ok, kids. So I don't have my name on an amusement park. And maybe I'll never be famous. But I got 3 wonderful children and a wife that loves me. That's right. I guess when it comes right down to it,

He'll be out in a second. (STAMMERING) I mean, I mean, no. No, never seen him before. Hmm... What was that first thing you said? Oh, I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. I mean, I was just remarking what a nice tie you have on.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it.

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

Thanks, Dad. I'd love to. Oh, no! M-E-G. Hey. What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Sports! Birthday sports! No, just sports! Oh. Okay. Meg, you're not invited to my party.

I put you in charge of the food. The raccoons were here. See? OoH, We're a bunch of sneaky little animals. We're gonna wreck this food and eat it 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy. Let's get him in trouble with his dad. Ha! Ha! Ha! Somehow I'm less than surprised.

particular unusually that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience,

(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you.

Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year! That sounds terrific. How about you, kids?

And that's why you like him so much. He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite."

I can't look. I didn't look when Lois gave birth and I can't look now. You can just tell me what it looks like. You ever see a horse blink his eye? Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there.

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel?

You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad.

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded!

Who? Bazooka Joe?

Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover.

If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

(SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil." "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile." "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics! You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break!

(SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you.

Oh, Meg, all your suicide threats over the years, and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us. Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit.

You know what, just turn around. Turn--Turn around. I don't care where you look. Just look over there. Okay, all right. They're-- They're-- They're cracking... They're cracking up over there. Okay. Oh, yeah. Look who's snickering over there. Mr. I-can't-do- a-suicide-bombing- because-I'm-sick. He had a-- He had a note. MAN #1: He got you. MAN #2: He's so bad. He had a note from his doctor.

It's the eye of the tiger it's the thRill of the fight rIsIn' up to the challenge of our rival

And now you get your pick of the groupies.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great.

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby.

You're not gonna fart again, are you?

Well, well, well! H-How long have you been there? I came along right about the time you started pummeling her with your tail. You shut up! You love her! Ha! Oh! Oh, This is so good, it just has to be fattening. I said, shut up! Oh, By the way, nice rap.

All right, bring him on out. Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here. If I pass out, please note that I'm wearing a LifeCall bracelet, with all my insurance information.

Come on, guys. Let's eat. Oh, God. I hope there's not one of those angry, handicapped Vietnam guys with the bandana on his head. Oh, there he is. I've seen some things, man, and some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it.

All right, last call, fellows. It's closing time. Oh, crap! I'm not even half-buzzed. Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road? Fine by me. Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway. They had one on last night where the girl had a butt-face, but her breasts was immaculate.

You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.

But since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you. - I did not care for The Godfather. - What? Did not care for The Godfather. How can you even say that, Dad? Didn't like... Didn't like it. Peter, it's so good. It--It's like the perfect movie. This is what everyone always says whenever... Robert De Niro, Al Pacino...

The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television. Pandering to the lowest common denominator. So what do I do, Brian? Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore TV to the way it was. You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows,

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future.

And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities.

ALL: Muy importante! A donkey just bit a child in the hallway.

No way. It's too dangerous. I got you into this, and I'll get you out of it. No, Peter. When we got married, we agreed to share our lives, good times and bad. So? So we'll solve this problem. Wait? You mean together? Yes. Because together we can do anything, face any foe, overcome any obstacle.

Joe? Peter? What the hell are you guys doing here? Well, we got an invitation to a dinner in my honor. I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S."

Poor kid. What a senseless war. I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter. Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

A-well-a bird, surfin'... (SINGING GIBBERISH)

Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time. Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said. Far be it from me to call you a liar.

No more TV. Well, how about no more job? You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches? I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun. - We do everything together, fa? - Ja. You got your poison? Okay. One, two, three.

Take the hint. Happy birthday, sweetheart. Lionel Richie's Can't Slow Down? Great album, Lois. Great album. I didn't know who I was until I heard this album. (HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt.

This is fantastic. This is even better than they said it was in the brochure. Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig, but, come on, we're on vacation. Exactly. Don't hate yourself. We're on vacation, right? Yeah. I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid.

And, you know, it's not as bad as you think. I may have finally figured this out. I just need to make a few more calculations.

Oh, splendid, just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple. Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again. Shall I put you down for two, Brendan? Brian. Ryan. - Brian. - Mitchell. What? Goodbye.

Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois.

No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention. Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin. Boy, you really want to wear that hat. That hat's coming off! No! (ALL GRUNTING)

Hey, Peter, check out my new trampoline! Whee! YEah! Whoa mama! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Jeez, Cleveland. That must've set you back, huh? Wha--What'd you do? Sell your body to science? 'cause, you know, I thought of doing that.

Excuse me, sir. What is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? i need an adult! I need an adult!

Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian.

Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris.

(ALARM WAILING) (MAN SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Well, it sounds like I'm needed outside. Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today?

You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do? Just press the red button.

(CROWD CHEERING) Are you having a nice morning, dear? Oh, yes, I love living here, in the next town over.

They come from inside, from your own beliefs. I agree, Lois. Like for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them,

Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out!

(SIGHS) I really wish he would. It'd be so great if we were at least living together. Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. Either he commits to you, or you're gone. What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! Well, I think you should, Brian.

Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time. How is this even possible? Well, clearly, when you attempted to reverse the gauge on my time machine,

(BARKING) (WHISTLING) (BARKING) Who the hell are you?

Wait a moment. Did... Did you kill her? Well, I held the knife. And her hair. Oh, my God! I've been dreaming about doing that for years, and you've actually gone ahead and done it! Penelope, I've never said this to anyone before,

Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there's only one guy to blame Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose You will wind up wearing tattered shoes

How long before we play "Pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door"? Now, does anyone have any questions? Yeah, I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ass? And it's also why many families give their children eight days of presents. Wait. Did she say eight days of presents? Yeah. Well, this Judaism thing is gonna be better than I thought.

Chris, you check the basement with Herbert. Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.

Down by the shores of the hanky-panky Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky (SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate.

Our apologies, sir.

Horsey, you saved my life. No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried.

Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!

Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.

Ok. Now we're gonna play "7 Minutes in Heaven." And it's my party, so I want Doug to go in the closet with Meg.

(GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. There was someone I had to see first. Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies, a newly transformed tomboy supersedes your long-standing hotness. (GRUNTS)

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Let me put the bowl down first. You're gonna spill it. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down. Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining. You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Doggie! Gonna bite.

Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge?

He shouldn't be hitting you at all. I don't think you understand how serious a matter... - Close your menu. - What? Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order. I'll give you another moment. God damn it.

(GROANS)

"I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm. Remember how they only needed little girls? Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois. You're not telling anybody, friend. No, no, you're gonna be my on-set guardian. You're out of your mind.

You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day. It's improved my heart one heck of a heap, I'll tell you that. Pardon my French. This is even worse than the other one. I mean, it's cool I know French, but, Death, this ain't me. What am I supposed to do?

- Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque.

Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car! We have to go to that concert.

So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk.

(LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING) Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where.

Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)

Okay, Quagmire, I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop because that first bite is the one that really hurts. Well, okay.

Aw, You deserve it, my beautiful princess. You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him. We had sex. We had sex! We had what Joe calls sex.

Isn't this epic, Peter?

I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent.

Ah! Anti-gravity gun! This is beyond my technology. Perhaps if I detonate an electromagnetic pulse, it will disable it.

Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game. I just never stopped believing. Say no to acid. Jeez, relax, Mort. You'd think you were God himself. No, he's over there.

And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

Don't wish it away Don't look at it like it's forever

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test. I'm gonna try out what I've learned on Denise.

Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Good morning, Officer Swanson. Oh, hey. Nora. Listen, I... It's okay, Joe. You don't need to explain. I stepped over the line at the bar last night. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't find you attractive. I do. I just... I'm married, and... I get it. I totally understand, Joe.

What the hell was thaT?

Let's do it. You mean it? Because I... Look at my face. I'm totally serious. Are you totally serious? I'm with you. I'm on the train! Do you have a needle?

But I wanted to stay, 'cause I almost had sex on this girl. Oh, yeah! But it was so expensive. Each drink was, like, six dollars forty.

(SIGHS) Thanks. That's great. Well, I gotta get going. I'm heading off to Vermont to get James' birthday present. There's this neat little store called Cattitudes that makes all this neat cat stuff. See you guys later. What a queer. He's going all the way to Vermont for cat gifts and whatnot? You can get a scratching post down at Walmart for $2,

(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary. All right, look, let's just go. Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for Johnny. Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it.

Wow. You work out! So much. ANNOUNCER: We now return to True Blood. Hi. I'm a nude vampire. Hi. I'm a nude werewolf. And that's the show! Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on.

(THUNDER RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) It's a boy!

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

the mysterious and eccentric brewmeister, Pawtucket Pat, has announced that he's opening his never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few. Pawtucket Pat has placed 4 silver scrolls in 4 random beers. Each lucky scroll- winner and a guest of their choice will take a magical tour of the brewery and walk away with a lifetime supply of beer.

Hey, y'all. Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian. ALL: Hello, Peter and Brian.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

I don't care how many children you've lost in childbirth. You're fired! But I was only having a child because you and the mister... You don't get to speak of me and the mister!

(SIGHS) Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

(MURMURING)

Come on, you guys. No time to lose! Ahh! Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. ahh! Ahh! Ahh! How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal!

This thing won't be open again till tomorrow. Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think! I don't know. You think of something. Well, I have no idea! So, you invented a time machine, but you can't get us out of a safe? Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini. Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor.

Wow! You are such a good dancer.

...the fields of gold

(EXCLAIMING) But don't take my word for it. Just ask my little friend Ziggy! Hi! I'm Ziggy the zygote. I'm looking forward to being an active member of your community. Can I hug you? (LAUGHING) Of course you can, Ziggy!

(LAUGHING)

The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! I felt weak! Y-You never listen to me! Y-You undermine me in front of the kids! And besides, you know, you're not exactly Father Of The Year yourself. Well, There seems to be a lot of anger in your household. You owe it to your son to learn how to manage these feelings. Manage what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do, because I'm her father, and she's 16. What are you, like 38? Forty-one.

My name's Brian. I was born here. Sorry, son, lots of dogs have been born here. Refresh my memory. Which one were you again? I was the one who could talk. Brian! Come on in! Betty! Look who it is! Is that Brian? Oh! And you brought a little friend. Well, I bet you're a hungry little fella.

Are you flexing? What, me? No. Why would I be flexing? I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going... (GRUNTING) What am I going to do, Seamus? Dr. Hartman is my only hope, and there's no way he's going to see me.

Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her-- Graham cracker. Graham cracker, yes, yes. That's--That's it. Um, All right, so, uh, I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births! Sorry, Doc. I-- I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kind of stuff. Wait a minute. Brian, You have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate? A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio. See? I can make up words, too, sister.

Are you using your brain? We're lucky if we come out of this without a lawsuit. Ow! STORMTROOPER: Freeze! Okay, now you're in a laundromat, and there's only one available machine, and you're fighting over it. Go!

I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter. Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE!

You'll get chills all through your body And you'll lose all control of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE?

You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you?

Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by. I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Meow! - Morning. - Ah! Give it to me straight, Doc.

Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there!

Sir, if you don't leave now, I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I. Yeah, we... We did one of those earlier. Yours is better, though. We probably should've waited for yours.

Done!

Chris, these are plantains. And there's nothing wrong with them. In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal-size bananas. Because they're exotic, and flavorful and very, very special.

- CARTER: Hello? - Daddy. We're all sitting here in front of the TV awaiting the big announcement. Remember the one that's gonna benefit all mankind? The one you promised to make for me, your daughter? I lied. (HANGS UP) Lois, you can't stay mad at him. He's rich and successful. It doesn't excuse what he did. It'll be fine.

Here it is! (EXCLAIMING) Sunshine Bear. Wait! (TRUCK HORN HONKING) (GASPING)

I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito! Hey, guys. Well, it's been great to meet you all. And I am looking forward to getting to know you while we're here.

Wish I had one of those. I've got a whole box of them. Take it. It's yours. No charge. Typical Jew.

I did not see that coming.

Hello, married couple. I see you found a puppy. Yeah. His name is Sparky. Well, before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms. Ok, drop it!

Chewie, get ready to release the landing claw and we'll float away with their garbage. Release! Look at that. Space bums. Let's be thankful for what we have, everyone.

So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.

High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame. I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are. What the hell do you know about high school? Are you kidding? These kids today are so easy to manipulate.

See you on the softball field.

I turned to my first mate and I said, "We are looking into the very eyes of God."

(SIGHS) He took the Twitter name Mayor West, so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker!

No!

Here, let me show you the turbo booster. Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts? I'd say come again? And then I'd laugh because I said "come." But thank God that's not the case, eh. You're a Scout. And you know what that means? That means I love you. Hmm.

Excuse me. I'm lookin' for a car that's been tricked out to look like an ice-cream truck. Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what?

No, my pants just got shorter 'cause I hated the idea. And this is Chris. Chris, this is my son, Dylan. Hi, Dylan. All this stuff in here is mine now. Oh. Well, okay, but be careful opening the closet, 'cause that's where the evil monkey lives.

Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler. Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it!

Mom, this party sucks. I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old. Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together. And he says he's got a big surprise for you. Hey, kids, I'm Pee-Pants, the inebriated hobo clown. I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can.

(SCREAMS) I don't know what you want! I don't know how to help!

Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King.

I mean, Really! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself? Great party, Griff. Girls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks.

(ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in.

How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? What about all that liberal crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations?

Whoa, Whoa. Wait a second. Not so fast.

But the real story is, I'd be married, too, if I were willing to date a Persian. Guys, they found him. Don't bother with the posters. My God, what is Peter thinking? Yes, he's crazy as a serial killer.

Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain

For the procedure to work, we would need to transplant two. But... But I only have two. That's right. The procedure would kill you. (LAUGHING) That car's getting towed!

Peter, Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here. Yeah. Let's hit the bar, huh? Oh, Come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs. Oh, He's behind the door!

Hey! That guy is a dick.

You can't be serious. Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie?

Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?

Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

We went to Barney's. I heard that's where all the famous people shop for skinny-leg jeans.

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? No, I put 'em all in your bag. Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we? I'll see you in the car.

Shit.

Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

I almost walked right into that one. God!

Thanks to the information in this R2 unit provided by Princess Leia, we should be able to mount a successful offensive on the Death Star. But first, please take a moment to watch this instructional video.

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where a dude can pick a fight Where a dude can pick a fight Over who takes home That smoking Chinese bar skank On the right

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow!

(STUTTERING) Any other problems you have, too, like, for example, around your underpants that you want me to take a look at, I could take a look at that, too. Huh? Please pull down your underpants.

Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. "Today he was out in the yard raking leaves.

Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way! Aw, Crap! Hold it right there! Or what?

Well, well, look who matriculated to grade nine. Someone wants to get into university. Hey, guys, I'm sorry. Well, you're gonna be sorry when we put you in the hospital for free, eh?

Crimony. (FARTING CONTINUES)

Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

You need to just let this go. Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING) It's time for you to leave. I can change.

Hey, uh, Make yourself at home, Death. I'm, uh, I'm going out for a little while. HEy, wAiT, Wait. You can't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dirE. Go on. That's it. What the hell do you see in him?

All right, but just one last piece of advice. Remember, listen to her body, and respond the way you'd want her to respond to you. Uh, okay. Thanks. That's very helpful. You'll be a wonderful lover, Brian. What are you doing? Sorry, you just had a little something.

- Oh, my God. - No way!

Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

PeteR, You can't just print lies about people. Luke Perry has a wife and son. So what? A lot of famous types lead secret lives that we don't even know about. Like Ricky Martin.

Yeah, she's really nice and super pretty, and her bicycle seat smells like strawberries.

I haven't witnessed Pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, when prices were so low they were ridiculous. You said it, palie. That's why I brought in the big guns. Say 'how do' to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville. Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant?

- Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

And now, let's meet our star! Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles! All the fish in the bucket now! Not one fish at a time as a reward! All of them! Okay, okay, take it easy. Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy.

I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

but because baseball would not be invented for 1,800 years and nobody knew what the hell he was talking about.

You're fired! Yes, but I think the more important question that sometimes gets ignored is what about the separation of church and state?

All right, hang on. Here we go.

but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag. And I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it? Well, I guess that'd be okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb? I guess. Goody, goody! (CHUCKLING)

All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess!

Just around the corner There's a rainbow in the sky So let's have another cup o' coffee And let's have another piece o' pie!

Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

Well, then who the hell is... Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house. (SIREN WAILING) Damn it, we tripped the alarm. Brian, the cops are coming. Let's go! What? We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas? It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and...

Wow, that's a lot of people. I hope we have enough rye. How'd you pay for all this? I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News. And all the juice is being collected underneath? Yes, and whoever collects the most is gonna win a free weekend here at the chateau with international foods and wine tastings. Stop! (STEWIE EXCLAIMS) (THUDS)

MAN: On veal farms. (CHEERING) In photography studios. Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this.

Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. "I wish I could escape to a place "where this movie couldn't find me," and then... What the hell are we waiting for? These monitors are for watching the house. See, there's Stewie's room, Chris' room, Meg's room...

you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Uh, You got anything that might give him A little extra juice? You mean steroids?

Lois, our problems are ovER!

I'm Luke Skywalker.

Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.

That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car. New York Theater League? Why? Because they're throwing a welcome dinner in my honor. Really? Well, I guess I could clear my schedule. Oh, you won't regret it, Brian. All the most important Broadway people will be there. Playwrights, money men, even Stanley Kowalski.

Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go, so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah? Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! Starting right...

(SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry. (EXCLAIMING) DREYFUSS: We talked into the night,

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02 All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.

I've failed you. uh, This is, uh, kind of creeping me out. I'm gonna go. Take this, for protection.

I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with. (LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen, can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING)

This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire. (LAUGHING) He's gross. (CHILDREN LAUGHING)

And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her. Meg, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him. He's down by the old town bridge.

Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football! John, we're in commercial. Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on. Football! Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?

Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

I guess he fits the profile, Peter, but Lois' brother is locked up in an asylum. Well, either way, we gotta get out of here. Otherwise, we're just sitting ducks! Hey, we all know this guy goes for the classy ladies. In fact, I once caught him trying to pick up a quack whore. (ALL LAUGHING) All right, calm down. We all make bad choices.

No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself.

I know. WhY don't you kill Lois? No. One death isn't gonna do it.

JOE: Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down. - Sorry. I'm still learning. - JOE: All right, start the search.

Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me? You know I do. I want to hear it! Is that what this is all about? Run for your lives! Holy crap! Hot! aah! There's no way out!

Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks.

What's your excuse, you big chicken? Chicken? You take that back! Yeah? Make mE! I don't make monkeys, I train them. Ugh. Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard!

I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago. What's with the big grin? Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh, and I was feeling cocky.

HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

This is ridiculous. No daughter of mine is going to be happy. Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk?

Ahh! Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good,

It's like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park. How is that? How is what? How is it anything like a monkey having the keys to an amusement park? I don't know. The hours would be erratic. Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree.

I don't remember another ham. Well, you were too busy eyeballing that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover. Hey, she is a handsome woman. Well, well! Look who's carrying a little flame for Glenn Close. What a surprise! Although it's not the first time you've surprised me. Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson,

I'd like to go to the mall, Grandpa.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Who's texting me? (LAUGHING) Damn it! (QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING) Stop it, you guys! You're ruining all my clothes! (POLICE SIREN WAILS)

Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking. No, I think I can communicate with her better. She's only gonna get the gist of what you're saying. Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me? No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.

God, I wish the power would come back on. Boy, Meg, I am so looking forward to this job. Peter, I can't believe you're working for Superstore USA. How could you sell out like that? Because, Brian, they have an industrial-sized air conditioner, and I'm tired of sitting in ball soup.

And then we're gonna bury you in the yard next to Kathy Ireland. I mean... I mean, nice weather we're having.

Or weeks.

Don't want to get behind you in the mess hall, huh?

That's so nice of you! Let me just put these bags away and throw some saltines in the yard for the kids. You're disgusting.

Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival. Yeah, we're just gonna have to do what Davy Crockett would do. I mean, that guy killed a bear when he was only three. Honey, don't you think it's weird that our three-year-old son is murdering animals?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

(GUNSHOTS FIRED) Oh, no, they're shooting at us! Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots. Man, these guys are elusive!

I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military. Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What?

So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit?

Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that? I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

OH... Let's not do this. Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE! Yeah, listen, don't help or anything. I'm totally fine. Damn IrisH.

Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards! Well, it's--it's not an instrument! It's more of an object! But it's blunt! Hard and blunt! And, well, it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was raking! Let's go!

Look out the window and think of death, kids. It's coming. Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Peter! I had a juice before we left.

Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper. (GUNSHOT) (ALL SCREAMING) What the hell?

That's pretty much it. I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet. I don't know. Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work? What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah. You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works? I don't know. Yeah. You want to maybe just go?

So, Joe, it must feel great to finally have some closure with Bobby Briggs. Yeah. You know last night was the first time in 15 years I didn't strangle Bonnie in my sleep? Okay. Oh, my God, Brian. Look at all the women fishing for compliments on their side dishes.

Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades. Now I don't want to hear another word about tHIS.

(SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention!

Victory is... Aah! Release me at once!

Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

- will you marry me? - What? Oh, Adam. Yes, yes! Adam, I will! Carol, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't just jump right back into... Lois, this is my life. And this is what I want. I will marry you, Mayor Adam West!

(LAUGHING) If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd be dead right now. Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris? Okay, Mom. (PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs!

Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die. (SCREAMS)

What the hell kind of farm breeds pigs like this? Would you like to see it for yourself, Brian? - Yeah, I would. - Good. Because it's gonna blow your mind like the stereopticon did to Americans in 1910. Hey, I'm in New York City! No, I'm not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. Yes, I am! What's going on here?

I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old. Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie. Little did I know this would lead to an eight-year-long psychosexual entanglement. She's probably dead now. Life's funny sometimes. And, scene.

I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny.

You're just upset because you wrecked the cable transmitter. I did not! Forget it. What good is a car if I have no friends?

I know it. Ok, We've got 3 days until Peter and Lois get back from their K.I.S.S. concerts. Let's go to Jolly Farm. Yeah, now you're talking! You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

We did it, BRIAN.

James Woods High! I am high on James Woods High! Hey, guys. What do you want, Meg? I'm here to try for cheerleading.

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING) Yeah! Water slide! Summer fun!

(HESITANTLY) Yeah. Well, we are gonna do something about it. We are gonna figure out a way to induce labor and make Bonnie have that baby. Yeah, the sooner that kid comes out, the sooner we get Joe back. Yeah, we're not complete without Joe. You remember when he bailed on us for that trip to the spa and we had to find another handicapped guy? God, Seamus. I've never seen you this naked.

And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.

(LAUGHING) (LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire?

Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck! All right. Our goal here is to gain a command of the English language.

it takes friends. And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today. My friend Peter. Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary! Let's give him a hand, folks. But that's nothing compared to what this next man did. He challenged me to go that extra mile.

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here? Yes. Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down.

(PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy?

Pancake? Just a small one, thanks. My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had!

Over there is our statue of Angela Lansbury. Protect us, oh, Lansbury, from rude teenagers, from soup that is both too hot and too cold,

I got you, you freshman. I'm going to teach you the lesson that it is not okay to be a freshman.

Let's have sex on his back like we used to. CARTER: What the hell's going on?

I got a bad feeling about Suicidy. Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other, 'cause they have so much fun cleaning the dishes. AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me.

Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

Ah, Thanks for bringing me here, Lois. This is just what I needed. Ah, I'm glad. It seems like everybody's having a lot of fun. So, How long are you and your family in town? Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah. No conversation. You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again!

You represented yourself as a K.I.S.S. fan. And why? To make me look foolish! No. To make you happy. I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter. But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan. Yeah, I should've guessed that when you were willing to dress up as Peter Criss. No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois! Not even Peter Criss!

I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m. Huh. I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys. It's also about just being there for the people you love. Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.

Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe. Stewie, you got to get us out of here. If we stay in here much longer, we're either gonna freeze or starve. I know. But I can't reach the device.

(BOTH GUFFAWING) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, pie. I know what you want. I saw you in that movie. Whore, slut, bitch. You don't deserve to have sex with me. Instead, I'm gonna eat the whore out of you.

"Furthermore--" Not now, Peter.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool. "She Packed my bags "last night, pre-flight "zero hour

(CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote.

Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain? Hey, you! Stay!

Still waiting on that gift.

Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.

Your dying wish is denied. Thank you. Wait a minute. My son only has a short time to live. All he wants is his favorite show back on T.V. How can you say no? Mr. Griffin, everyone thinks their dying child is special.

JERRY: And he hasn't had a hit in ever. In ever, Jerry. In ever.

Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like!

I'll take them. Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia. This is fantastic. This is even better than they said it was in the brochure. Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig, but, come on, we're on vacation. Exactly. Don't hate yourself. We're on vacation, right? Yeah. I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid. Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,

Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up.

Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.

And I guess that's why They call it the blues Joe, you got a minute? What is it, Peter? I just wanted to apologize. I thought you and your friends were just a bunch of gross cripples, but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now, and I see how tough it is.

" like.... You're very pretty. 0h, thank you.

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, a big announcement out of Pewterschmidt Pharmaceuticals today. Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick.

Oh, yes! No, no! No, you can't just jam jokes in for no reason! It has to be organic to the situation! What the hell you being so frigging comedy Hitler about? I was in three improv groups in college, Peter. I was in Improvidence, I was in the Wackadamia Nuts, and I know I'm dating myself here, but Three Smile Island. My point being that I am the only experienced member of this group.

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn. What, You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner. Well, you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal.

Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go.

MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?

You know, you guys are funny, but I got a confession to make. I'm a pretty funny guy myself. Maybe I say a few things here, maybe I get a few laughs, maybe you guys put me in one of your pictures. Well, yeah, I suppose it's possible. Yeah, we've got all kinds of roles available. Speaking roles, background roles. Background would be good for you. Yeah. Speaking role or background role, either one would be good.

Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) That was fun. We should hang out again sometime. Yeah, definitely. Well, good night. Night. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I thought you... I didn't think this was a date. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed! Hey, it's 10:30!

You make your doo-doos, Joe? Shut up. You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there?

You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up. I think I can explain it to you, Peter.

I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe.

Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.

Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun?

(FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME PLAYING) It feels like the first time Feels like the very first time

Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh? Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made. Are you wearing a girl's sweater? Does that really matter right now? You got 10 minutes. Lights, please.

I did a dog once, but I was in the Philippines,

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't!

All right, you can do this, Stewie. Here we go. Ahhh! (THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

Yeah, about that, uh, I was pretty sure I was gonna die, uh, 'cause, actually, th-there's this girl in New York, and it's--it's getting kinda serious. But... You know, thanks for letting me draw you naked. I still can't believe you let me do that! So, what, You're saying the only way to make the world right is for me to kill someonE?

Minutemen, present arms! Load weapons! boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out!

He purified you Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again. I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time.

Peter, the gifts are hidden in the trunk. Don't forget to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers. All right, All right.

He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you...

Stewie, you got to get us out of here. If we stay in here much longer, we're either gonna freeze or starve. I know. But I can't reach the device. You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that? Well, you said I was stronger than you. And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

On which we used to rely?

Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you.

Peter, you made me crash the damn plane! Okay, I know you're a pilot and everything, but not everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you, Quagmire. Well, we're out of cell phone range and the radio's shot. This is not good. No one knows we're out here, and we've got no food or water. Relax, Quagmire, there's food all around us. The trick is just knowing what's safe to eat and what's not.

Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh!

Oh, you can't tell me It's not worth trying for

Brian.

Hey, son, how'd you like to be a coke mule? Peter, living room? No, Lois. Kitchen. Peter, I have a bad feeling about this man.

Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg. I escaped 'cause I just couldn't bear another second away from you. My God! How did you get out? I filed down a toothbrush to a fine point and stabbed the guard with the most kids. - What? - I'm just kidding. Oh. I'm still getting used to your sense of humor.

ahh!

Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there. Yes, that's right, cry. Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens.

Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum. And this is for laughing and looking at the camera... during every sketch you've ever been in. Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you?

Oh, my God, that guy is huge. All right, eaters, you have 10 minutes. On your marks, get set, eat! (CROWD CHEERING)

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no!

Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um, uh, skills. And...

I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy.

Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass. Hey, don't call me names, Kyle. Hi, Kyle.

How old are you?

- Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car! Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years?

Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey. Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about our little talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all. Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm fine. And, hey, look I... I wanted to thank you for being so great to me. - So, I baked you a pie. - Oh, wow. Hey, that looks delicious.

Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!

and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.

(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)

What is it, Lois? I was watching... Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah. I know you're not trying to hurt me, but part of me doesn't know.

He's a family guy Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry. But first, the big news in entertainment this week is the lovable child actress, Olivia Fuller.

A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep."

There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together. I won't, Brian! Now you get your ass back into that hippie car of yours and take me to the North Pole, now! Look, I know you're upset.

I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you.

That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka. boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka. boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka-boom. Peter, it's over.

On the subject of school lunches, I know there's been some concern about nutrition. (FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good. (FARTING)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

tonight's guest of honor, Mr. Brian Griffin. Thank you very much. "She was grace in name and in essence. "To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light. "And, to me, also sorrow,

But I'm still not sure that's a reason to betray Bonnie. Come on, Joe. Sleeping with this girl will even things up. You can't have that kind of imbalance in your relationship. In fact, you owe it to Bonnie to have sex with this woman. It's for the good of your marriage. Yeah, you should go for it, Joe. Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh. I have a CB radio in the basement. I go down there a couple times a week, have CB sex,

Why, You smug little bastard!

Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us! Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here! No one's out there, Brian. They would have come in. Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What? It's all on tape.

Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours! Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner.

But I'm gay.

You guys thought Joe was something. You ain't seen nothin' yet. Peter, what's the big rush? All right, you guys wait right here. Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal. LEt's Give Tammy a round of applause. This was her first robbery and she was very brave. Mmm. Now before we go--

I love you, Cleveland. Uh...

Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter.

Hey, guys. Everybody having fun playing with... What is that? A piece of wood with a nail in it. Neat. He can't hear you. There was a kitchen explosion today, and half the kids are deaf. Oh, hi, Brian. Hey, Emily. Wow, you look great. You're ready to go?

Well, maybe you should.

She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long. Can I help you, sir? Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin.

"Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run!

I stand behind my decision. This press conference is over. I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom.

"Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights "translating books for you? "Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, "afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves." What the hell is this? For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie! Screw the theater. Mr. Monatti invited us to A cocktail party so Chris can meet a bunch of artists.

Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains. So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on-- CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing?

What do we do? Hurry! We'll hide in that van.

My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous!

(SCREAMING)

No! Hey, there's my family. I just want you to know I rob banks because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company. Aw. So if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you. But--But I was gonna be a hero. Nobody's going anywhere! Joe, it's Peter! He's in trouble!

There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

Why are-- Why--

A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy. Can't it be both?

(SIGHS) So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday? Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going.

I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk, decoys, Lois, decoys! Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet. Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess, when you called me,

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca.

We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well,

and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket. Any of you kids want to see a dead body? Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter.

We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess-- Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard.

Whose room is this? It's, uh, my room. You travel with a giant poster of yourself?

Peter, wait. That corner's a bit of a hike for me. I'd rather just come see you at home. What? Where'd you get this kind of money? The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for.

"Mikey's Scoliosis Exam.

Yeah. Boy, that guy rubs me the wrong way. I mean, has he ever made anything successful? Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show. It's on, like, channel 100 or something.

What makes you so special? The fact that you are special But if everybody's special That kinda waters it down So some of you ain't special I can tell you who is special Like you and you ain't special And you are and you're not.

We can.

Oh, my God, I... Hey, check out Brian with the blind chick. Hey, don't worry, Brian, you're still doing better than Quagmire. He got a hooker. Ha! No, no, but she is a prostitute.

He's a family guy

Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at? The underpants, lose them! A-Actually, I kinda-- I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, you know, maybe tomorrow-- Take 'em off! Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey.

(ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!

Okay, you're doing great so far. Now I was just texting with New York. We're doing a whole thing there. I booked your plane ticket, and I specifically asked that you not sit next to an Asian. Stewie, that's racist. That's terrible. I'm sorry, do you want me to call back and change it? Well, it's done now. Seems like a lot of extra work.

Come on, Stewie. Hurry up. I want to get good seats. Ugh! I hate going to hear authors read from their work. That Dr. Seuss reading was dreadful. MAN: And when the drugs stopped numbing the pain, the sex became even more violent. It doesn't rhyme. MAN: The new stuff doesn't rhyme!

Can you use it in a sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids. Damn.

I don't know. I've missed so many. It's gonna take me forever to catch up. Well, we'd sure love to have you as a viewer. Is there anything we can do to make the news more appealing to you? Maybe. I guess you could lose the moustache. Lose my moustache? Well, gosh, I don't know. My birthmark makes it kind of tough. Always caused me problems at my old job.

What did I say? MAN 1: "Hassle-free checking." MOSES: Damn it! MAN 2: "Mancow in the morning." Shut up!

How are you okay with this? Well, if we make it to the summit, I could pee there, and then it would be mine. 'Cause the rule is, the highest pee wins. Okay, gang, once we arrive in Nepal, we'll get all the supplies we need for the trip up Everest. Okay, but remember, kids, the people there have never seen people before. So when they walk up to you, quickly stuff a dollar bill in their mouth.

It's just-- You know, There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. HOnk, honk.

This is our shooting range.

What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

Yeah. Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music? Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music. He-hee. Yeah!

Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING)

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Oh! Holy crap! Oh, My God!

Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water. No way. Get the hell out of here.

sh-Should have sent a poet.

I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here. All right, then, it's settled.

Hi there. Britney Spears. You mind ifl go in?

Hallelujah! I believe in God! Lordy, Lordy, I believe!

Peter? What are you doing here? I got my memory back, and I love you, Lois! I want you and the kids back. I want our old life back! I don't believe it! Sweetheart, it's you! You're back! QUAGMIRE: (SCREAMS) Damn it! I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry. I treated you so badly,

God, I can't believe we bought these ridiculous clothes for a club that didn't even last. Hey, come on, we had a great 72-hour run, and in this business that's all you can ask for. Besides, I've already opened a new club that's even more exclusive than this one. Really? Where is it? Brian, it's so exclusive that it doesn't even have a location.

- Put this on. - Why? Because I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys and I don't want Lois to know about it. Um, okay. Lois, I'm going to my physical now. Okay, honey. I'll see you later. Um...

It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass. Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here. Hi, my name's Peter. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news of the story of Jesus Christ. - Okay, go ahead. - Really?

(MAN On T.V.) We now return to Gilmore Girls. Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not.

The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia, this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day-- Over! Fine! I don't need you! I can manage my own career! YeS. Yes, i'm-- I'm quite capable of that.

Wait a second. We know she's gonna be upset if you dump her. But if something happened that was out of your control... What do you mean? I mean we're gonna fake your death.

You were masturbating when I came in. Yeah. - So, how's it hanging? - Get out! Gotcha.

No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.

Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed like Bill Clinton. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, dressed like. All right, let's go make some Whitewater.

Dot.

I say, Brian, this backpack feels a bit lighter than it did before. Well, I wasn't gonna tell you till later, but I actually used part of my portion to take care of some personal business. All right, fine.

Which one of you is the lucky bride?

Look, I just wanna go home and spend the next 3 days in solitary confinement where I belong! Well, I tried.

Well, it may be popular, but I have to say I agree with Arianna. I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER)

Well, you're not quite in the club yet. You got to pass the initiation. What do we have to do? You got to sneak onto the Crawford Ranch and steal a pair of George Bush's underwear. And then bring it back here, so we can bask in its Bushy goodness. Boy, that's even kinkier than the porn they make for senior citizens.

Yes, just ask Edward Scissorhands.

"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

Your Honor, Peter Griffin would like to take the stand. Mr. Griffin, Which of the following 2 phrases best describes Brian Griffin? "Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"? Um, i--I guess "problem drinker." But that's--

Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!

Have archaeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina? You know what? That one was too wordy. That one was too wordy. That was flawed from the ground up. It wasn't funny, and we'll work on it and get back to you.

Peter, this is ridiculous. I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for 2 weeks. I have not, Lois. He's right. It's actually been more like, uh... Yeah. 13 days. Well, You at least have to do something other than sitting there eating.

Look at him. His side screwed up our country for a generation. I hate everything about that man. I'm gonna go tear him a new one. I'm gonna go find some hardcover photography books of tasteful nudes. STEWIE: Oh, my God, yes, that is tasteful.

Get off the stage! Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here.

Hey, you get your hands off that! I don't care how many of you there are, you're not taking this purse! The hell we aren't. Let's get him, boys!

I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up. Peter, how could you have tried to sell our daughter? All right, Lois, I don't want this to ruin our date night, so I'll make it up to you.

Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack!

(LAUGHING) Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries. (GASPS) Do you think he's okay?

But this--this is gonna be dangerous. We could all die.

A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

And boogerS. I feel like we've been walking in circles. I don't know how you can find anything in this city.

Ugh! Oof! Ahh!

Oh, thank God. Thought I was gonna have to go back to being on Live! With Kelly and Peter. So exhausting having to do that open-mouth smile while the guest does their bit. We're here with The Good Wife's Christine Baranski. So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, is that right? Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill. Ah!

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra. My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs! No, not that, you idiot. Where is the dead body?

You were so brave. Nice going, Dad. Oh, Boy! That was lucky about the car, huh? Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman!

I mean, who better to get inside the mind of someone who's strangling fat people than someone who's done it himself? Yeah, give him a chance, Joe. Like I did with scary teenagers. I used to be afraid of 'em, until I realized they were just misunderstood. Hey, fat ass, give me your wallet! I could give you my wallet, but what I think you really want is love.

Hey, Meg? You okay in there?

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you?

Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again! No! oh, This has gotta stop. Oh, God! It smells gross. Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears. That's odd. It looks like someone already tried to clean it up. No, it doesn't. Mine smells like soda.

Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened? Well, it was 1996.

In closing, although it seems pretty clear that my client committed this murder, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you found him not guilty. That's your closing argument? Those karate lessons are really paying off. Thank you, Sensei. Welcome. He came.

(DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs! I can't believe the wedding's off.

Peter, the caller I.D. says you're calling from the kitchen.

All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier.

so, you know, I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio... so the quality is kind of sucky... but, you know, all the songs describe my feelings. I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Daddy! Yeah, I feel really horrible for you, and I hate to do this, but I'm trying to catch a 4:50 movie, and it's, like, 4:40 now, and so if I'm gonna make it, I have to leave, like, now. Yeah, this stinks,

Peter, you need to let go.

Today they survive as soldiers of fortune.

Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

You're never gonna find the black market! Oh, that's what You said about that back-alley abortionist. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy. Ok, there she is. That is, That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight.

Hey, Chris, you are responsible for guarding the camp while we're fishing. You got it, Dad. You can count on me... Chris, pay attention. I want you to--

which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a bloodlust for elf flesh. I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What god would allow this? This is in none of the songs or poetry. It's a horror show up here!

or not.

Ahh! Ahh!

Oh, no, I can't! I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch. After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. - Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here?

Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

I tell you, I know something about paint. I once met Jackson Pollock. How do you know when you're done with a painting? How do you know when you're done making love? Oh, when you wash your penis in the sink and go to bed.

Come on!

Does he not really exist? Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fool. Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen for a sec... No, you listen, Brian! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you.

So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em! Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

Probably less for you. You know, I think I missed my nap today. I'm sleepy. Well, why don't you lie down? I think I will. (SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap!

Well, Lois, I am now a graduate of the Quahog Police Academy and an official on-duty cop. Oh, I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer. Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am. (LAUGHING) Yes, Officer.

(SENSOR MAKES BING-BONG SOUND) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent!

I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!

next to the Wiffle ball bats and the spark-spitting cars. I don't... Oh, next to the wax bottles of weird juice. Yes, behind the plastic bag of Mexican soldiers from the Alamo and the Super Elastic Bubble Plastic. Oh, yeah, I got 'em. Hey, Mort. How's it going? Oh, it's awful, Peter! Why? What's the matter?

(SQUEALS) Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene. (SCOFFS) It wears off after two and a half weeks. Oh! Great. Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number. Okay, everybody ready?

I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin.

Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast? Powerful stuff. You would have to be made of stone not to feel saddened by that. Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you.

Oh, nothing, it was just... (GIGGLING) (SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING)

Dad, I'm scared.

Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait... Stop! Stop, stop... What? What, what? - No, no, no. Twist it. - I am. No, no, no. The other way. Which way? You're twisting the wrong way. What do you want me to do? Just look down, look at me, look what I'm doing. - All right, see the way I'm twisting it? - Yeah. Right, turn it that way from your end. Okay. No, no, no. Just put it down,

This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher.

Can I... Uh! Ah! I was just messing with you, man! You can do whatever you want. I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious? All right, Chrissy. Here we go. (GIRL 1 GASPS) BOY 1: Look! BOY 2: Oh, my God! BOY 3: Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico? BOY 4: I think it is!

(TRUMPET BLEATING)

Wait a second!

Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico? Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now.

Dad, my God, are you ok? Don't be using the Lord's name in vain! He's ok! Thank God! It seems he broke into the old mill after hours. We found him working on a kick press.

And then the cow came out of the barn. See? See, look. There's the cow. And what does a cow say? yes, Yes, that's right. A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep." You know, Peter, they're getting awfully big. So? So, every good mother knows when it's time for her babies to leave the nest. Hey, They're free to go anytime they want!

you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? (SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that.

H-hello. Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were telling me about. I'll show 'em a good time and get 'em to come around to our side. Uh, e-Excuse me.

Well... Why not? What do you mean? The three of us. We go over there and we do what's right, we kill the bastard. Whoa! Whoa! Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that. You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological.

Kidnapping me is one thing, but you killed Cleveland!

Your husband's in here, ma'am. Lois! Peter, what's going on? Is it true? Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy? Hi, Lois. Hi. Look, Lois, we were just trying to help Mort. Peter, how could you do this? You have a family. Did you ever stop to think about us before you did something that could send you away to prison?

Whoops. Whoa-- Whoa. Hang on, Hang on. I gave you one with silverware in it. Take this one instead. That one's probably fine. Beautiful. Oh, My God! Are you Stephen King?

He died in Iraq. Sad.

Take it back to Bespin Is that him? I don't know. Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand! No, your right hand. LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!

The simplistic writing style is very graspable to them. Here's your award. I made it all by myself. Thanks. Hey, Brian! Smell my finger! I... I already can.

Can you perform miracles? Sure. How about this? Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done.

What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose.

Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high. Now I'm messed up, too. (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

JEFFREY: I don't care. (GASPING) Mommy! Chris! Stewie! My babies! Oh, I'm so happy you're safe! I knew they'd find you. I knew you were okay. It's just like the psychic said. Thank you all for your help, everybody. Oh, for definite.

Ah, She was a good dog. "Was"? Y-You mean-- Last year. She went real peaceful. Oh. Well, she--She probably wouldn't have wanted to see me anyway. That's not true! Biscuit loved all her puppies! Biscuit!

EZEKIEL: Griffins! (CROWD CLAMORING)

Oh, my God. Look at this. Brian, get in here! What? Your play has been nominated for a local Hoggy Award for Best Creative Anything. Oh, that's great. Um... I'm gonna... I'm going to go get some air.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in?

Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out.

Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her... ...and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis. Lois, what you reading? The Red Badge of Courage. I sure wish I could meet a brave fellow like the guy in this book.

After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. It appears a new challenger has entered the field. The crowd has fallen deathly ill-- silent. Sorry.

Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad. - You see Jimmy Smits in there? - Yeah. Yeah, that was cool.

Welcome home, asshole!

MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens. Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose? Why not, Dad? It's just water. All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty. Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet. Now, few people realize that until 1928, there were no hoses,

Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show. Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here. So, Jesus, what've you been doing since you've been back? Oh, you know, just kind of bumming around, playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating a lot of Pinkberry. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

He doesn't like you. Sorry. I don't like you either. You don't even know me. You know what? That's fair. I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott. He's visiting from Hoth. I don't know why they call it Hoth. They should call it Coldth. Okay, settle down.

But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike!

What did you do to my daughter? I swear to God, if you touched her--

Okay, well, first, the seminar was terrific. I absorbed so much. And then I get back here last night, and I meet an incredible woman. You know, I've heard the phrase "soul mate" for years, and I never got it till last night. Well, I've got a woman story for you that you're not gonna believe.

You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife. But there's nothing funny about that. (LAUGHING)

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?

What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

A donkey just bit a child in the hallway.

Hey, Stewie, what are you doing? Well, Brian, in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought, "Why not go back in time "to that Summer of Love in the '60s "that everyone's always talking about?" Oh, cool. Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid? I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you. Very bad dog.

It's good so far, Lois. Try to work a few laughs in there if you can. Look, I believe life is sacred. And I know you want Scotty to live a full life. (LAUGHS) And if that's true, then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will. I mean, what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers?

But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversations I stopped an old man along the way Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies

Hey, Dad. Where are you going with that cutout? Oh, hey, kids. This is Kathy. We're designing lifestyle products together. It's completely legitimate, but don't tell your mother.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be...

It's time to call this whole thing off! Nobody's on our side! Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm--I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party.

Run, you stupid bastards! Peter? Chris? Oh, Thank God. Are you ok? Fantastic, Lois! I saw my guiding spirit. Whoa! Wait a second! You had a vision? It was amazing! I spoke to the trees. And I saw the Fonz. Really? What's the Fonz like?

Let my pigeons Go! He nailed one! We have our theme! I submitted "togetherness." A simple theme. But powerful, nonetheless. Come on, "overcoming adversity"!

Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money!

Oh, no way. Hey, Chris, look. Is that Richard Dreyfuss? Oh, for crying out loud. PETER: Hey, Dreyfuss, where you going? Get back here. Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quahog? My nephew's in the play. God, can't you go anywhere these days without these damn paparazzi? (SIGHS) PETER: Where you going? Oh, you going to the bathroom?

Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh!

But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope.

Jim. Your name is Jim. Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive?

Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining. My God, I'd better see a doctor. But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit. Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town.

Ugh! Oof! Ahh!

Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that? SULU: Hello. Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out. And to think I actually thought you raped me.

I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs.

So, nice weather today. Yeah, unseasonably cool. I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog. Hey, listen, sister, I just... (FARTING) I'm sorry.

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was a big joke.

Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker? Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here. Would admission of that allow that person to keep it? Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album.

Well, on your mark, get set, terrible. (LAUGHS) No, no, but I understand that this is bad.

C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago. Who cares? I'll bet nobody took the boat.

I think I know where you're going. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Hello? Hello, Mrs. Griffin?

Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do?

Wait a minute. You know what? - I think you should play catch with Jake. - Really? Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad. Hey, Dad, do you want to play baseball?

How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal?

What do you do for a living? I work in accounts receivable at Quahog Insurance. It's not too demanding, the pay is good, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Well, we should wrap this up. You're getting wet.

I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh!

QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter, what's up? I'm stuck at the stupid ballet. Get out of here. You serious? Yeah. So am I! What? Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to screw.

Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott. Really? You're not still upset about my leaving? Peter, there's nothing I'd want more than to have you back, but your place is in Scott now. I mean, a person's sexual identity is no more a choice than the color of his skin.

Last stop. What? This isn't the airport. (DISTANT GUNFIRE) Oh, my God, Rupert! We've got to get out of here! Aw, damn it! WOMAN: Oh, no, no. Baby fall down! Is that... Is that Consuela?

Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird...

You know, you guys are funny, but I got a confession to make. I'm a pretty funny guy myself. Maybe I say a few things here, maybe I get a few laughs, maybe you guys put me in one of your pictures. Well, yeah, I suppose it's possible. Yeah, we've got all kinds of roles available. Speaking roles, background roles. Background would be good for you.

And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life. Sweet niblets? Yeah, sweet niblets. That's her catchphrase, sweet niblets. Say it. - Say it back to me. - What? - Say, "sweet niblets"! - Sweet niblets. That wasn't so hard, was it?

Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

Okay, everybody, tonight I've got a real treat for you. We've all seen your compilation video, Brian. Shatner singing Rocket Man, drunk Orson Welles doing that commercial, Sylvester Stallone in that porno, and Bill Cosby beating up that midget. Wait, I don't remember that last one. Yeah, it's freaking brutal, for no reason, you know? The poor little guy's just sitting there eating his Snack Pack.

I... I don't know Shakespeare very well. Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me?

Feels like the very first time

No! Whoa!

DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What?

Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

I want to rock and roll all night

E-flat, Salieri! E-flat! Go, Chris! Daddy loves you! I mean in a platonic way. I'm married. Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca.

"I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh!

(BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it? (SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No. And I'm sorry, but nobody can ever know that.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire. Hey, let's have a drink with them. You've never touched a drop, Peter. You don't even know those guys. Those are your friends over there. Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here.

you could shoot the dog biscuits out, and then the drug dog would be... Would go away from your bags. Kind of if you can imagine the dog... (MIMICKING DOG BARKING) And then, the dog... Man, it's a lot funnier if I had my prop.

All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"?

(SIGHS) Guess I'm on my own now, Rupert. It could be worse, though. At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway!

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think. Listen, I want to thank you all for coming down.

No, no! Didn't you just hear the announcers? They said it's not gay. Stewie one, you zero. What are we doing here? Listen, I know you're upset about losing your money. So I wanted to show you it's not so bad living like a regular guy.

"Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out.

Ugly bitches!

Your pals are gonna help you change your ways. I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way. All right, Glenn. This exercise should help teach you self-control.

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache. My tooth hurts! There. How's that feel? Well, it-it's... It's delightful.

All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

All right. Our goal here is to gain a command of the English language. So you can be successful writers like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

Guess this is as good a time as any. (EXCLAIMS) (STEWIE YAWNING) What you doing? Oh. Hey. Just needed a little drink. Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right? Saving it for what? It's not important. Want a sip?

Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

What? God, it's like talking to a 3-year-old! Oh, You know what? You need to learn how to loosen up a little, toots. Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for the both of us. What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me! Good evening. Stevenson residence.

Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya

You win this round, Lois.

One moment, please. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line... Out. Get out! Get out now!

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there?

Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge?

(CHOKING)

and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain-dead, it'll come rushing out to change the channel.

Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin. Listen, you guys are doing a great job. If anybody knows what America wants in the '90s, it's NBC. But I just have one small request. I like Dateline, but I really hate waiting two hours to find out who the killer is. MAN: Tonight on Dateline, a woman murdered. Was it her ex-boyfriend?

so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future.

So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend? I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all. Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "Years Traveled"? What thing? Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of "S"... "T"... "D"s!

Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo! hold onto your sides. Nice to meet you both. Murderer! Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way.

Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil.

Well, I really like all the guys. But some of them seem a little too competitive.

They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head You've got a lot to see

Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed.

I'm gonna. (AIR WHISTLES) You do it better than Bonnie. It takes a man to know what a man likes.

Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her? PETER: I'm looking at her now! I can see her from the window up here. Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet? No! Awesome. I'll be right down. Hey, Brian, who are you dating? Jessica Tandy? Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs!

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

I mEan, I know he's an Indian. But what kind of A name is Squanto? I mean, "Leslie" or something like that would be nice.

Yikes! That's a recipe for disappointment, like walking a floral arrangement through an office full of fat women.

It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony."

All right, a bike! I'm out of here! Now, son, Your parents are on their way.

Oh, Lois, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose, and--and On the way out, I think one of them muttered something anti-Semitic. We're almost home, honey. Oh, look. There's the star on the town Christmas tree. We're following it home just like The 3 Wise Men.

(CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready.

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

Hey, dog, let's go. My dad won you fair and square. You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun?

Well, I'll tell you this, Tonick, a little hair from the dog is just what the doctor ascribed. I hear you, friend. Now, let's sit on chairs next to each other and get dick dances.

Well, you're in good company. Betting Freddy took the same wager. (STUTTERING) Bet! Wait a minute. There's nothing funny about an addiction. Vote no on Indian gaming laws.

Ace-high straight. You sold me out. I could use a man like you. How's A million a year sound? You disgust me! Get out of my face! Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted.

Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case. Oh, it's all right, Peter, I know it's tough for you to work with your hand injury. Hey, you know, with you sitting there, it's kind of like you're my secretary. Well, let's not get carried away, Peter. Now please, I'm trying to finish your work.

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg.

I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. What girl? The lead in Titanic, the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. - Sweetheart, that was a guy. - What? That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. What? No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. (CHUCKLING) Look at you out here, on a big trip.

Oh, jeez.

And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months. I'll enjoy that. And, Peter, I got a surprise for you.

That I had hard gas and pooed myself?

Look Meg. I'm that pretty, dark-haired figure skater with the horse teeth. You know, the one who got what she had comin'. Nice figure 8, Mom.

So, you know, go ahead... Well, here we go. Yup, that's what my friends say, too. "Well, here we go." Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too. I'm getting a context high.

to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding. There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo.

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

but that makes her feel useful in the relationship. I'm gonna fix him. Our relationship will do fine on that basis. If he had his shit together, I wouldn't be into it. But I don't. God! I am so sick of this crap! Is this the show? You know what? The hell with both of you! I'm out of here! Are we doing this thing or what? Brian? Brian?

And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING)

This damn chair keeps wobbling. I think one of the legs is short. Lance, I told you to fix that chair! I checked it earlier. It seems fine. Oh, that chair's always like that. Here, we'll help you.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

There you go, kiddo. All clean. Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic!

Hey, you feel like grabbing something to eat? Oh, I'd love to, but Peter and I,

Lois, I'll be honest. Rush Limbaugh is one of us. We have no wish to smear a fellow conservative. That would be as foolish as FDR hiring that midget press secretary. The president has just confirmed a devastating surprise attack by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor. Much of our naval fleet has been destroyed,

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow.

Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

" lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie.

But it's--it's cardboard. And--And there are no words. There are just-- What is it you've drawn here? Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh? Ah!

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker. ahh! Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall! I'm on it, Meg. Have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the...

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck!

All right, settle down. Good morning, class. Morning, Dad. Morning, Dad. We're going to need a few things for this class,

JOE: Two, apparently. QUAGMIRE: You know, it's kind of weird that '80s white clothes could pass for '90s black clothes. JOE: Yeah, is that like a rummage sale thing? QUAGMIRE: Ah! Nicole Eggert. JOE: Didn't she bang somebody gross? QUAGMIRE: I don't know. JOE: Yeah, I feel like she banged somebody gross. QUAGMIRE: You know, I heard the sweater budget on this show was 200 grand.

My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? Wes. They must really want to keep her. Your second wish?

Well, this is it. I guess so.

I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you. Oh, My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself. Ahh! My device! My teeth!

The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power. Only one man can stop him.

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid? Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win!

The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face.

Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

(FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization,

(WOMAN SCREAMING) She's gone! We lost her.

Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg. Peter, I'm trying to be supportive,

As was your fate, Mr. Fly, so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body! Computer on.

Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?

What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Done! Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool. Can I try some Red Bull? Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull? Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't. Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five.

See? We're having a nice time. Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur. Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing?

I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin, but I can't baptize little Stewie today. It turns out our last shipment of holy water is tainted. Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen? (TOILET FLUSHING)

Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus?

But if rich people aren't looking out for us, who is?

What?

I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset.

- What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar. Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday. There is a hole in the bottom of the sea

oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right!

Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like to plow you. I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon.

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here. Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows.

Hey, Jake,

Mrs. Lockhart? Chris, come down here. I need to talk to you. Why are you here? 'Cause I couldn't stand to be away from you for another moment. I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married. Therefore, there's only one thing to do.

(SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship.

Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.

Throw that guy out! Sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but we work for Mr. Griffin now. You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am? I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! I'm not getting in that elevator! Don't you dare throw me out of this lobby! Don't you... Damn it!

Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING)

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

Well, There's your hook! Get out.

I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter. (SIGHS) Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot. Now, if you'll just sign here. - Well, this is odd. - What? Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam. No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college. Damn it, this is too hard!

Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING)

So, did you let him have it? No. He let himself have it. This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian.

Well, it turns out I'm not royalty. Shame about the Queen, though. Yeah, I reckon she's with Jesus Christ in heaven now. (SPITS) (METALLIC DING) Well, I'm just happy our family is safe and sound, back in our cozy row house. Row house.

Hello, fat ass.

Whoa, whoa, what--what the hell are you guys doing here? I'm sorry. We happen to be here to solve a case. Uh, we were here first. Well, you know, this is a free country, dude, and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you.

Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." (SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Wow, I've never been to a cop bar before. Yeah, look at the bartender. I bet working here, she's one of those women who's tough as nails and good at giving sass. What'll it be, fellas? I'd like to cram both your boobs into a martini glass. (SOBBING) I think she's just a normal woman.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy

Oh, here it is. Here comes my part. (MACHINE WHIRRING) Excuse me. I'm looking for Ed Manzelli. Good evening, I'm Ed Manzelli. What can I do for you? I'm looking for a guy who used to work here. Name's Mario. Got any idea where he could be? I haven't seen him in over a month. That's the end of my line. Your line, NCIS.

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

Thousands of them.

Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy!

We don't have to, Lois. Look, there's a magical land of desserts right behind you. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000. WEST: Take a letter. Hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department. If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms. You are all expected for dinner at 8:00.

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!

we just gotta get to that Twinkee factory, and we'll have all the food we need. Well, Good-bye, sweet home. Maybe someday we'll return. Hey Joe, can you keep an eye on the place? I might as well. I'm melted to the ground. There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school!

No, Ma. Yeller's my dog. I'll do it. Aw, Come on! He'll call back! Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself! Ow! Peter, You're supposed to hit Brian!

that's clearly a small moon, and not anything else. That's no moon. It's a space station. Oh, crap. They've got us in a tractor beam. Well, they're not going to get me without a fight.

Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME.

Listen, you guys, this is all a crazy misunderstanding. (WHISTLES) You think this is gonna work?

How much time do we have before you're un-born? With the time acceleration, I'm not quite sure. But trust me, I can feel myself getting younger.

I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING) All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian,

At no time were the campers and Mr. Griffin naked simultaneously. They merely engaged in horseplay. Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys? Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations.

(HORN HONKING) (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) (TRUCK HONKING) Almost there. Eat my dust, Lois. (BRAKES SCREECHING) (PETER EXCLAIMING)

Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?

There he is! Oh, go on. No, really, go on. (ALL LAUGHING) Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein, senior executive of programming here at the network. We are so happy to be working with you. I hope you brought the magic wand you wrote this with. Yep, it's right here. Watch, I'll turn this beautiful princess into a toad.

Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything. That's right, Peter, they are red. Lois, what are you doing? I switched Peter's questions to the pre-school edition.

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One, no tax-dodging Jedis in my pit!

So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty.

Ha! Ugh!

into the world's water supply, I will rule the world. I'll call it "Lou Gehrig's Disease."

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, shut up-a with the noise-a. Hey, shut up-a with the shut up-a.

I want the princess captured immediately. Geez, Gordon, maybe today wasn't the day to wear your mesh stormtrooper shirt.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah.

No. Well, I sure am. You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.

Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup! Ball in a cup Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing. Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat. Okay, hang on. See this? Yeah. You know what it is?

That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer? 'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.

Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew Where to find

I don't want... No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right! Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far. That's his character. That's how... I mean, he's that kind of... No! Forget it. Forget it. You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it.

Once, about 20 years ago. Why? All right! All right! All right! All right! Hey, are you Tanya? Yeah. Who are you? A guy who's looking for Bobby Briggs. Where is he? I don't know any Bobby Briggs. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. You're lying! Joe, let me handle this. I know how to communicate with strippers.

Oh, look, they got a translation for white people.

Sir, you gotta tell them about the time you had to eject from your plane behind enemy lines.

Oh, my God. No, I'm just kidding. She's dead. Ever since that mega-mall opened across the street... it's been taking away all my business. They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants... 53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch. I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.

I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy. Either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. (LOUD SNORTING) PETER: Ah! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner! BRIAN: Peter, let go of me! PETER: I need to go find a screwdriver and some lighter-fluid. BRIAN: What? Come on! (SCREAMS) BRIAN: Damn it! So what are we gonna do for family night?

Lois, we're living in a red state with a bunch of right-wing nut jobs. Hey, Chris, check out my belt buckle. It says, "Everything's bigger in Texas." (LAUGHING) Belts are a great way to express opinions. ANNOUNCER: This is Channel Five News, Texas, with Duke Dillon.

GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it! All right, Stewie. Your dad's gonna help you learn how to be a man.

but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.

I'm sorry, sweetie. It's for your own good. And trust me, you'll feel much better about yourself. Everyone's gonna make fun of me! Oh, come on, who's gonna make fun of you? Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it! And I'd better not see you at the big dance!

I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher.

Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh? Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING)

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force.

What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God!

Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it!

Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it. Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! Okay. You have $1,300. Why don't you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase?

It's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic. That's right, Spugizakom. (MOCKING) All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini.

What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18. And as a bonus, I'm going to identify when it's Shatner, and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins. Let's watch. That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner.

Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it?

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

R2? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. All right, now what do I click? Click "preferences." Okay, I clicked "preferences." Now go to "default media browser." Okay, there's a little hourglass and it's not letting me do anything.

You want to go out? No? Okay.

If you start yapping to the cops, we're gonna rot in prison for the next 30 years. JOE: Evening, gentlemen. (ALL GASP) Joe! Glad I found you here. I had a question for you guys. Did any of you happen to be at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire? No. None of us were.

It's supply and demand. It's the foundation of our entire economy, Paul.

If I'm sleeping, just stuff 'em in my mouth and rub my throat. Just one more thing. Lois! I need you to take the presents out of the trunk. Aren't you gonna do it?

Yeah. Who are you?

Listen, Brian's very depressed.

Okay, this is it, you guys. They're going to announce the winning lottery numbers.

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

Ah, finally, back to my old life. Hello, Internet porn. Man, I haven't done this in two weeks. I should weigh myself before and after.

And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.

Hey! Neil and Cecilia. I didn't expect to see you here. Meet Jake, my boyfriend. I want some BB's. My dad lets me shoot at cats. Hi, Meg. Neil and I are celebrating our two-week anniversary. It seems like only yesterday... he was just a stranger videotaping me through the window.

Sure. I've steered our family through bigger problems. Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show. Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had.

(BOTH CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay. Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years, but that's gonna change. It's gonna be different from now on. And I'm gonna make you into a better person, starting first thing tomorrow.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Come on. Come on. Go away!

(PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it?

Look, I thought this FCC thing was a good idea at first, but it's-- it's just gone way too far. What, uh, are you saying, Lois? Well,

I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned Shooting commies Drinking deer blood Peeing in the radiator Look up there

Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion.

No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

Let's go, kids. Mom, you remember that goldfish we flushed down the toilet? He wasn't deaD.

Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine!

BRIAN: Peter, let go of me! PETER: I need to go find a screwdriver and some lighter-fluid. BRIAN: What? Come on! (SCREAMS)

You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

My whole crew is black and blue Can't you take a clue? You may think I look great But I'm 28

And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth. My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth. God created everything, and the world is getting colder. What is your tax plan? That's odd. What?

Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? (ALL YELLING)

See, the mailbox is like a time portal. Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later.

(TAIL WAGGING) And risking your life for those kids? You're a good guy, Brian. A really good guy. Wow. Thanks. (TAIL WAGGING) (THUMPING) What's that thumping noise?

Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is?

Oh, we'll see about that! City Hall knows karate. I'm sorry, Peter, but the government makes the rules. I just enforce them. I don't believe this, Joe. This is like living in Russia. I might as well just move there.

Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex?

Oh, crap! I should have figured you were up to something. Look, Luke, this is all my fault.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Michael McDonald During Allergy Season. (GASPS) (GASPS IN HIGHER PITCH) (GASPING IN TREMOLO) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY)

Oh, my! You can really tell we're in the big city now.

But where do we find uranium in World War II Europe? There's only one place. At the top-secret atomic research facility in Berlin. Wait a minute. Germany's building weapons of mass destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses? I don't know. Maybe because they don't have any oil. Oh.

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie.

Yeah, hey, guys. The meeting of the Cool Kids Club will be at 3:15, leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV in the parking lot.

All right!

(SHEEP BAAING)

What did you think f would do at this moment When you 're standing before me With tears in your eyes

Ya! Ahh! Ahh! Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression?

I shall do no such thing! Penelope is wonderful. We're going to be together forever.

WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd! See kids? One day the world is going to be just like our home.

We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

(MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

Chris, this is a big day for you. The day you become the man of the house. Because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

a boob,

That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders. T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company. Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini.

No. That's not good enough. I want details.

it's bound to get people into the pharmacy. That's right, bring in the city folk with their big money and their long cigarettes and their dogs with shoes. Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no!

Hi, Meg. You busy Saturday night?

But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. But here's something everyone can understand! Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee.

Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience. Oh, Thank GoD! OH, Yeah, thank God.

Ahh! Ha! Ugh!

Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side. Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!

Meg, you can't miss Stewie's first birthday. But Mom-- Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party. And that includes you. Understood? I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter! She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt."

I just want you to know, Meg, if there's anything you ever want, all you gotta do is ask. Really? Well, there kind of is one thing. (DOORBELL RINGS) (GASPS) There he is now! Hey, Meg. You ready to go? Dad, you remember Michael Milano from the hospital. He's my date.

Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING) (SCREAMS)

Murderer!

So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. What? Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party. Hey, Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here! How you doing, honeY?

I think we got him now. You know, you really shouldn't lie on that bedspread. I saw this report on TV about how filthy hotel rooms are. In a moment, we will use the special lights to see just how filthy this seemingly clean hotel room really is. (ANIMALS CALLING)

Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

Don't panic, Lois, we'll find him. I'm good at picking people out of a crowd. Oh, gosh, this is hard. Yeah, could I get a better look at number two? And, number four, could you step forward, too? Okay, number five, look at number one. Look at him like you haven't seen him in a while and you're happy.

Huh?

Julie, I promise to get back on my feet before the baby arrives. He's good. Yeah, he's always good. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, thank you. Stewie. Stewie. Hey, everybody, it's Weenie and the Butt here live at the Quahog air show. We're all ready for the Weenie sound-alike contest.

Peter, we can't afford this. No, but Mel Gibson can. Uh, Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room. You're Mel Gibson?

And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch. Horace, hit it.

Are you? Are you a better person? What's your point, Meg? My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, (SCOFFS) somehow, you have the nerve, the arrogance, to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings. All right, well, fine, okay?

Some brother just fell in the ocean. Oh, God! I remember that. And all those seals died. It was-- It was all over the news. The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him that night.

You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me! Lois! Why the hell were you doing phone sex? I was providing for our family. You were lying. I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney! That's not the point! Well, if you think about it, I wasn't really cheating 'cause it was with you.

Okay, I'm off. Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck wherever you wind up. Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself. I'm just going away for a few days. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... Really? It would be that easy for you? What?

ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

- Here, have some food. - I'm not hungry. Here comes the gravy. (COUGHING) You messy beast.

Oh, Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force!

All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right!

I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly-line guys who stand there all day screwing heads on dolls. "Ooh, Is it on straight? I don't know." Boo! Why, you little snot-nosed-- Mr. Griffin! He plays kickball in the park after School. Get him there. So, Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again?

Damn it!

Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse? No, now you're being acute.

So, me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort, right? We know we're gonna puke, but Joe says, "Hey, let's go see Chronicles of Riddick." Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses.

It didn't take long before Quahog was a thriving New World settlement bustling with life. Boy, everything's shaping up real nice! Yeah, and we finally finished the town abortion clinic. (PANTING) (COIN CLINKING) MADAME CLAUDE: Time had helped Griffin forget Lady Redbush.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm not finding that site. What was the subject matter? Um, a guy doing chicks on a boat in a, uh, captain's hat. Okay, I'm checking. The, um... (CLEARS THROAT) The passengers had just signed up for a tour of the harbor and then all that stuff happened. Okay, you made your point.

Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs. All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry.

Hey, Mr. Herbert. I'm just here to collect for the newspaper. Here you go. Oh, hang on now, Chris. Your fly's up again. Thanks, Mr. Herbert. He's so hot. (SIGHS) I'd love to talk to him,

The spirit of the red, white and blue I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois. He's a real pal, you know that? Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about. Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he? I mean, Quagmire's a lot of fun at a party, but, you know, he's so horny all the time, I feel like I can't trust him.

ahh! Oh, dear. Would you mind holding still for a moment? These antique pistols take about 10 minutes to reload. Peter, catch! Ow! Don't throw stuff at me, Joe! Peter, shoot him! Oh, yeah. Right.

Good. And you better be responsible tonight. I don't want a repeat of the last time I left you alone with one of our children. (SOBBING) It's just so horrible. I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right.

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods. That's a great idea, Brian.

Somehow you needed me You gave me strength To stand alone again To face the world Out on my own again

That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag.

I'm with ya, Dad. What do we do, write a letter? I tried that once. It got me in a lot of trouble.

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm... Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? To the can, because kissing you made me barf. What?

(CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay. Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Oh, my God!

Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me!

"My--my--My wife... Lois..." Lois! Ah! Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois,

Lois? Where the devil is everyone? This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.

We can't leave him here, there's a wolf! Um. There's not really a wolf. What? Tell my kids I love 'em. Charlie! Charlie! (WAILING) This was so funny in my head when I planned it.

Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide. Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back.

Yeah, Coppertone!

Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie? STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change.

Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What?

Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, Joe, thank you so much for inviting us to your barbecue. Well, it's my pleasure, Lois.

(LAUGHS) Clearly, you're not familiar with how this works. See, you're supposed to be already gone. There's no breakfast. Here, let me help you to the door. (GASPS) You're a jerk, Glenn Quagmire. One of these days, you're going to get what you deserve. You better put something warm on. You got an icicle forming down there.

You know, actually, it was a draw. We destroyed most of downtown Tokyo, and then she just walked sadly back into the sea. So, nice weather today. Yeah, unseasonably cool. I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for?

I'm so glad to be the real me again. It's too much work being beautiful.

I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Ok. Wrap it up, kid.

Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird.

And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs.

You are one hell of an agent. Well, with you as a client, it's easy. (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? She calls herself an assistant, but yes. What is it, Sandra? There's a man here to see you. He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. Really? Well, then, by all means, send him in! Hey, knucklebutts! BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods?

Dancing in the street CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street It's an invitation across the nation A chance for folks to meet They'll be laughing and singing And music swinging Dancing in the street

Class size is so small. And they really know your child. They care. Mr. Wiggins rested his thing on Jen Crosby's shoulder during a test. Yes, I'm told James Woods High leads the nation in teacher-to-student thing resting. Well, it's family that really matters, and no family is closer than ours. That's why we love taking trips together.

It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy?

How do you think it works?

But now we're happy Brian's home, Cha-cha-cha!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick. Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

People will think I'm from there. (LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy.

We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle. - Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up? And that's not even Kyle.

(GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done.

What the hell are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving. You can't leave, man. That's desertion. They'll come after you, like Peter went after that hockey coach. Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope. Okay. You can't leave, Brian.

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Okay, that was weird. That was weird. Right? Oh, my God, so weird.

Well, can we watch Lost Boys? I've heard of that one. Those are different lost boys. (WHISTLING)

This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company! Oh, Sorry, Lois. What's your news? Well, I...

I'll teach the boy. Come, my son. I'll show you the ways of the herd. Aw, Crap!

Even my backup guy had plans. Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. (STAMMERING) Oh, I... Hang on.

I think it's great we live in a town where you can ask questions, because without questions, we'd just have answers. And an answer without a question is a statement. Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye! (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) I'd like to have a beer with him. I'm voting for him.

Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4. Welcome to the police academy. We're gonna start by learning how to do a cavity search. Peter, you will be the police officer and Quagmire, you will be the suspect. Begin. Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search.

I have to draw you!

We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power. (SCOFFS) You have a different view, Brian? I don't know. Are we allowed to have a different view? Look, Brian, I know where you's at. I fought it at first, too.

Say something nice about Diablo Cody. I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with. (LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen, can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm-- I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now. Come on, I got to watch the Emmys. Peter, you're going to Meg's play and that's that.

Hey, look, everybody. It's Spuds MacKenzie! Ahh! Well, That's the last of the furniture. No T.V. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons?

(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.

You know, we ought to get a "fuck cabin" up here.

Don't you want to tell Brian about Jesus? They got my picture up at the drugstore and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while. Ben. Dad. Ben, what have I told you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed? Look, Meg, I've had enough of this. You're not gonna convert me.

(BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING)

Han, that's kind of dark. Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside! (MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry! All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth.

Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed.

(ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop!

They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right!

So how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.

So whoever the murderer is, they were after James Woods, not Stephanie. The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead?

Yeah, look, I'm guessing there's some kind of soccer match from your home country going on, and I get that, I do. But some of us are trying to sleep, and I could almost deal with the noise, but it's the cologne, all right? I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here. That's how powerful it is, okay? That's how powerful it is.

Well, this is great. So when you guys aren't celebrating a big bowling victory, what do you normally do here? Uh, well, sometimes we compare women. Talk about who we'd rather have sex with. Oh, that sounds fun. How do you play? Well, it's like, um... Okay, who would you rather do, Kristen Stewart or Scarlett Johansson?

I saw you in that movie. Whore, slut, bitch. You don't deserve to have sex with me. Instead, I'm gonna eat the whore out of you.

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard.

(SCREAMS) He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see?

(SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass! All aboard for the Grand Canyon.

Hey, Brian, would you be cool with meeting my parents? They're in town this weekend, and I thought we could all have dinner. Uh, sure. (STAMMERS) Are they driving themselves? If you're asking if they can see, yes. And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look?

Candy? Show me "candy!" (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wait. We're out? You said if I slept with you... All right, Griffins, here's your chance to win the game. Name something you'd like to receive as a gift. Groceries! Assorted lotions! An Uzi! A dead squirrel! Money! All right, good answer, good answer! - Very good! Good answer! - Bingo!

I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh! Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating? Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny. Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.

What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew!

I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go. (PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film?

Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question!

Today we have a recent vintage procured just this morning from Michael's Hobby Shop.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there. Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this.

They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl. Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"? Yeah, they make the title. Read paragraph three. NEIL: This isn't a library, you know! "And in the face of every adolescent challenge, "she looks at the world through hopeful eyes "and maintains an uncommon resilience that can only be admired.

so we got a little welcome-to-the-family present for you. Your husband's work and poker game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there, too, but I don't mind if you don't.

Yeah, no, no. We gave more.

Let me go, you fat bastard! I will never be your sex slave! You misunderstand. I did not buy you to be my slave. I bought you for my son, and not to be his slave, but to be his wife.

Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too? How long are you guys gonna be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act.

I am proud to be an American, and I am going to love my country like never before.

Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, There's something magical about brown. Brown's the color of poo! Yes. Yes, it is. Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in yearS.

let's see how Glenn's private date with Brooke is going. Hey, Brooke, what do you say, we get you some more champagne? Sure. All right.

And forget gettin' lucky It falls off

Doo-bee-doo-wah doo-wah

Does that audition come with a box of tissues? That was a great read. Thanks, everybody. I mean, come on. How great is he? Wow. He's amazing. That's our guy. That's our Byron. Great. Then we're good to go. Absolutely. Totally. So, we're done. Look, since we're playing with house money, we do have one more guy.

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers.

Looks like I'm just gonna have to cut through it. Good thing I brought Reese Witherspoon's chin.

Do you think I'm fat? Only if you think I'm a serial killer.

we're Rhode Island bound

Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running. Okay, James, you ready? Now catch it in your mouth like Brian. undefinedJames, you got to bite down. " got a question, Peter.

All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the Old West, where brave pioneers survived against long odds.

I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland.

Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward. It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it? What the hell?

Oh, please, Brian. If I was fat, could I do this with a Hula-Hoop? (GRUNTING) No. No, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat.

Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase! What the hell are you guys doing in Quahog? We're just doing research for a movie. Oh, my God, that's amazing. You're both living here together? Wait a minute. Are you guys gay? No. No. Yeah. Yes. No. Yeah, maybe sometimes. Depends. No. Undecided.

You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to. This interview is over. What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING)

Music is the gift I give to you PETER: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on!

You've been a good son, Brian, and I'm sorry you're so sick. What? Peter, where the hell have you been? Every time that we go to a hotel, you hide the key to the minibar from me. But I found it. I found it.

WhoA, is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

Come on, sugar. It's time. Thank God.

Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it.

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now,

Oh, I see what's going on here, you're jealous. Chris has a wonderful young woman in his life, and you've got nothing. She's kind of right, Brian. All you've got is a worn-out rope toy and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you. (LEAVES RUSTLING) Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard!

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes!

Ok. What? Do that Katherine Hepburn impression for me.

Things an overcoat would say. I'm covered with water. Things an umbrella would say. You wear me. Things a festive bow tie would say. You wear me to keep you dry. Things Speed Stick would say. I keep your head dry. I said umbrella. It's not umbrella. (BUZZING) Peter, what if I said, "I keep your head dry, you wear me in the bathroom"?

Well, I did at first, but the novelty's worn off. Same thing happened with that blog I started on 9/11.

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power!

Uh, Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? Oh My God. Excuse me. Hey, no problem, meg. You probably bought me another 3 minutes! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!

Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice. Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me.

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity! (MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)

We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord? Nothing. Back to your turnips. Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta.

(PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life!

Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

(GASPS) (GUNSHOT) Kiss my grits, you cheap dime-store hood. This ain't over, Lachance.

Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like to plow you.

Why are we tilting? Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay? You're coming in too fast! Look out!

Well, my name is Winston, and I'm quite fond of ballet. One time, I tried out for Little League in my ballet shoes, and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants.

Shut up! (WAILING) Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Meow! - Morning. - Ah! Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have? Mr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live.

What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it? Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him. Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!"

STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.

What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires!

Oh, God, I'm so excited for gay sex. Me, too. Your body makes me so horny.

Hey, let's mess with him. I'm going to leave a fart trapped in here. (PETER FARTS) (BOTH LAUGH) PETER: All right, let's get out of here. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR CLOSES) I want you. I want you, too. Come on. I have a little place we can go to. NORA: Wow, I've never seen a sofa in a bathroom stall before. JOE: Well, I'm the only one who comes in here,

Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.

then you really disappoint me. Look, Brian, I apologize for the other night. We were all very insensitive. And if this is what you want, we as a family support your decision. I don't. I'd rather you marry a... (STAMMERING) A Japanese or something. I'm with you, too, buddy.

What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore.

It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us.

Well, we know you didn't mean it, Jerome. It's just a terrible situation. Like when you're the only one at the table where the waiter doesn't say, "Good order." I'll have the halibut. Ah, great choice. One of the chef's specialties, you'll love it. It was caught fresh less than ten miles from here. I'll have the New York strip steak. Mmm. My absolute favorite dish here.

So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that. Chris, who are you talking to? Grandma. Oh, no!

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the--

Oh, Good. I was afraid you were just gonna improvise.

Cheeses. You want some cheeses?

And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.

I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you.

Holy crap. Stay back. Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers. That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there? Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Ooh!

"The first thing that Mrs. Donovan does when she gets home from school "is put on sweatpants. "Then she eats a whole tube of cookie dough, "but she must be allergic to it "because there are tears coming out of her eyes "and she always throws up right after. "Then she puts paper doll clothes on a picture of a sonogram." Chris, I think you should stop.

Lois? Hey, Chris? (DISTANTLY) Yeah? Do you think Lois would be okay if I ate a Pop-Tart in bed? Probably. Probably, right? Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING)

(SIGHS) "I'm sorry, Byron. Missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is! Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING)

I'm a monster! ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy

I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?"

Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank!

Come, Wendy, fly with me.

CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.

It's the end of the world.

They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back.

Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay. It's just my penis. PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard.

Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay? Guilty

- or you're finished. - Don't worry, I'll figure something out. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly.

Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this. (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time.

Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical. All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this. You idiot! Now I'm going to have to get 10,000 more signatures before tomorrow morning. What were you thinking? You don't understand, Brian. When was the last time you were even with a woman? - Uh, when did the Challenger blow up? - '86. Yeah, it was like three years before that.

That ought to show you!

Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No?

Peter, watch the road!

I want your breath inside me. (INHALING) Hey! Well, as long as death is staring us in the face, I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather, who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s.

No. Is okay. I take home. What the hell is happening right now?

That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world.

And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!

Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go. What is this? It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.

Boop-boop. Bellybutton. Well, I'll see you later. So, it's official.

I haven't felt this good in years. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know?

who has purchased your bar. Bit of an awkward moment, really. Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank." Your move, Sherlock. Peter! Excuse us. Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are.

(SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

Thank you. (JOE SOBBING)

Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy? How are we gonna find them? Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. President, are you up there? Go away!

I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome! Aw, th-Then those chowderheads on the corner, they busted your stones. Hey, Your sister say anything about me?

All right, All right. Hey, somebody give me a beer. Heads up. Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver. And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second.

can you pick up some cereal, some butter, and a loaf of bread? I'll see what they have. All right, Lois. Here's six cobras, a bolt of silk, and a ram's horn. Peter, what the hell? Hey, can you help me with the 20 paper bags of dates I got in the car? Why the hell would you get 20 bags of dates? The monkey in the little vest who was selling them happened to be very persuasive.

Well, I'm enjoying you, too, Jerome. Welcome to the clan. I mean, I'm glad we got to hang. I mean, you're a good negro.

Or at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

It's not easy for me to say. Oh, God! You're not coming out of the closet, are you? Why does everyone always come out to me?

(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees.

Careful, Kevin. There's a bear trap 2 feet to your right.

Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.

"Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?

and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT)

Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho! Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy.

Well, the election results are pouring in and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me, Diane, when's the last time you heard... Forget it. Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck.

so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay. Wait! I have a time machine. You do? Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal.

Right this way, everyone. Bless you for helping us, Father. It's God's wish, my dear. All right! Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha?

(Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk. Okay, Chris, roll film.

What the hell is your problem, you jerk? What? Does he belong to somebody else? Come on, girls, let's ditch this racist dick. What happened? Did we get laid?

(LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING)

You know, this resort offers some wonderful amenities. They have bird-watching, wine tasting, horseback riding.

Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life. I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here. Mine!

This is taking forever! Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00.

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles.

Well, what type is that? He's one of those plain-lippies.

So, give me the good news. Did I pass? I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you, Senor Griffin. So far, you've failed everything, including the "Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test. No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro!

What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.

Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy. Oh, Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force!

Hey, there. Eat up, y'all. Youse is good churchgoing folk. Y'all deserve a little treat.

and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

Let's just say I've been at Cleveland's empty house taking a dump. (GROANING) That's disgusting. I will be taking all of my movements there from now on. All of them! (EXCLAIMING)

What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit.

Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image.

- Slut Convention? - Yeah. They were promised a single millionaire, but it's really just a bunch of horny squirrels in a rich-guy suit. So, you made your money in business? Where's your room, handsome? Can I at least have that pen?

I submitted it under a pseudonym. They think it was written by Tony Dovolani. I thought your pseudonym was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower. That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car. New York Theater League? Why? Because they're throwing a welcome dinner in my honor. Really?

Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.

It's time for you to go home. Is too much rain. I stay. But it's gonna rain all night. I sleep here. I don't know about that. I sleep here. Can I get some covers over here? No. No. You fat keep you warm.

Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted. - Good.

Ok, now I'm pissed. Well, thank God that's over.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you? I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you. Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah! Suddenly, I'm not so fat, huh?

Actually, yes, we have. Dad, how come you keep looking at the door? Oh, Meg. You and your drugs. Oh! I wonder who that could be. Peter Gifford?

Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat I got blisters on me fingers!

I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype. I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again. Oh, And by the way, I'm going back to the force. Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.

Did Peter leave? Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this. I know. I'm so worried about him. I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him. - Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just....

Right! Go! Go, go, go. All right, twist it counter-clockwise. I am twisting it, you're twisting it the other way. I mean counter-clockwise from where I'm standing... So then you... So clockwise. So, yeah! Okay, all right. Yeah, so you twist it clockwise. Okay. Go! You know what? Put it down.

(STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS) No! (YAWNS)

Hurray! Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold. Duh!

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

So, that's what that was. I mean, he was very nice about it.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders. (SOBBING) I don't know how it got like this! Dad, Mom, there's something I want to ask you. Can I go to school in Paris for a semester?

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle!

Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business.

What, You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants! All right! Virtual reality! Whoa-ho-ho! You guys gotta try this! Hey, Look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow!

Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip.

Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly.

PETER: Valentine's Day, a day of love, right in the middle of Black History Month. There are a thousand hearts in Quahog, a thousand stories. Some people don't have any stories. Others got two. Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

(HORN HONKING) Load the cannon.

No. You can't swim with your shirt on. W-Wait a second. What are you hiding under your shirT? Do you have bruises? Did somebody hit you? Lois, what did you do to my son? Will you keep your voice down? You're embarrassing him. What are you talking about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this. Hey, Hey, everybody! Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing!

I can't sleep like this, Lois. I need someone to cuddle with. Believe it or not, men like to cuddle. Even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson. Hey, Charles Bronson's wife. Scooch over. I want to cuddle. Mmm! That's nice.

Whoa! That is hot. I got to get a copy of that. Yeah. You got some serious talent there, Peter. Really? I'm no school administrator, but there's an extension program going on in my trousers.

Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

- Morning, Peter. - Morning, Lois. - You using the bathroom? - Yeah. Why?

Okay, one kid's meal. And what'll you have, honey? I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka. Oh, he's adorable. Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy.

Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots!

Lacrosse. Which is also my brother's name. Look, I felt bad about what I did to Horace. So, when I heard on the news that they were tearing down his bar, I saw buying it as a way to carry on Horace's legacy. So I own the Clam now.

I'll never forget you, Gerardo.

(MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing.

We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid.

What do you think? Turn around. - I don't think so. - Okay. - You lend me money? - No. You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? No! No, I'm not doing that. I stick finger in your mouth? Housekeeping? Okay. Okay. "Nanny wanted."

you must write for Leno. Oh, oh, you know, It is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material, and he's charming. Face it, Lois, you're just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours. I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn't make them good.

We're going to dissect a clown! Well, No wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy! Wow, Why don't you go say hello? I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' loungE. HEy, Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin!

Stop it, you jackass! I told you, I'm not fighting! I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine!

Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God!

If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violencE. My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society,

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah!

Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh!

Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song All the little birds on Jaybird Street Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet Rockin' robin, rock, rock Tweet, tweet, tweet - Rockin' robin Tweet... I don't know, Peter. This all seems kind of creepy. What do you mean? This is great! Everyone's hilarious now. What do you think, Quagmire?

Oh, Joe, thank you so much for inviting us to your barbecue. Well, it's my pleasure, Lois.

Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday.

(SCREAMING)

Okay. But he's still carrying the clubs. This is so hard. I can't do this, Mom. Come on. Keep pushing, kids. We're almost there! I'm feeling nauseous. I think I got altitude sickness.

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck!

I'm not going to no Jewish school. Sitting around all day with a bunch of short, hairy guys. I'll feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor. Didn't you... Didn't you make that joke the other day? Oh, yeah. No, I just... I wasn't sure if everybody had... ...had heard.

Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What?

Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR. Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat! Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat! Dad, nobody gives things away for free. That's not true. I know plenty of people who give things away. Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Free--

Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Twinkees? Yeah. I saw a story about them on A&E. And now back to A&E's Biography, Twinkee the Kid. It--it was, uh,

God bless you, sir, you saved my life. But at what cost? At what cost? Peter, have you seen Brian? (MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not. Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois!

Peter, I don't care about that. I acted like a real jerk, and I'm sorry, Lois. I know you just get on my case 'cause you're looking out for me. I am, Peter. And it's only because I love you, and I want the best for you and our family. I love you, too, Lois.

Why are you-- No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides.

Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman. You're just saying that. No, I'm not. The only thing that matters is how I feel about you. Rita, I love you. I love you, too, Brian. I think you're the most wonderful woman I've ever met.

Peter's team will take the right. And whoever's alive in the morning can bury his dead pals. Do I have a cobweb in my hair? It feels like I have a cobweb in my hair. What was that? It's just Michael Winslow from Police Academy.

She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke!

Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party. That was awesome! Yeah. I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me.

- Hello. - That's not funny! Peter, this is ridiculous. We came here to take Chris home. Why are we staying?

Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself. And I didn't cheat. Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler,

Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier. Hey. Hey, Lois. What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast?

We must kung fu fight! So be it, A.N.N.A.

Yeah, that's James Woods! We got a celebrity here! I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! This is a celebrity! WOODS: Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care not available to the rest of society. My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital,

A scientist. A novelist. A Cambridge don. Oh, What's my future coming from these squalid surroundings? Getting into a fight with some dude at the Laundromat because he was hitting on my baby's mama? I should be there, not here! London. Hey, Dad? Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at K.I.S.S.-Stock?

Man, high school is rough. This year it's sneakers. Last year it was all about being overweight and wearing a baseball cap. Hey, guys, sure hope we win the big game on Saturday. - Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! Of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Is it you, Naomi? You got a bum cervix? Peter! It's nobody's fault. Conception is complicated. Dale, it's you, isn't it? You got a bum dong. Will you help us, Lois? Well, I'm honored that you would ask me, Naomi. I'll have to think about it. I mean, this is a life-altering choice.

By the way, Meg, I forgot to tell you, your grandfather needs you to pick him up at the airport. Ugh! Grandpa always makes me so nervous when I'm driving. (GUN CLICKS) Okay, now me. That's a stop sign! Anthony, you want to come with me? Sure.

Whoa! Aah! Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy.

Patrick.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.

Today we're here to honor Joe Swanson for pulling my poor one-eyed cat, Bootsie, out of the old stove pipe of my grandmother's cabin. Joe Swanson won the Special People's Decathlon, and We'e here to honor him.

Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach. Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out. - Full-on. - Right?

All right, wise guy, who are you? Look, I'm just a faithful Catholic man with a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve.

We almost got that one for insect study.

We only live to kiss your ass Kiss it? Hell, We'll even wipe it for you. From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy!

He did this. What do we do? Check it out. I got the little freak's bra. I'm gonna put it on. Huh, this actually fits pretty well. Oh, wait, there's a name on it. It's mine.

(SNORING)

No! (YAWNS) Oh! Hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-along. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in.

Don't ask me how I got it. I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met. So the very least you can do is just rub up against... I don't know. Well, if you want I can... No, no. No, no, it's fine. No. Whatever. Whatever. Just go to your wedding, man. (SPEAKING SPANISH) No. No. No. No. Take... Just get it out of here.

That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is. I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race. I'm sorry, everybody. I've let you all down.

we will have the Sunday afternoon family picnic, as God said to Noah, weather permitting. (ALL LAUGHING) (LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Stop it! And another reminder. When you arrive to mass, please do not park behind the rectory. As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land."

the Contein Spinky Whompers flumped the Floing Boing Welfenclumpers, 70 fluff to 40 flabe. At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad. (TONE SOUNDING) I'm not sure about any of that. You know, Dad, I saw that movie White Noise, and they said you can use empty radio static to talk to dead people. You idiot. Ghosts don't exist. Wait a second, they might.

Sorry, Lois. Regulations.

I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out Stuart Little. I just figured it out. "Stuart" means "mouse." No, Peter. "Little" means "mouse"? No, Peter. I feel so old and in the way. It's still a good play!

Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man. Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like. A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right.

Hello. Hey, Lois, what's up? Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up at the end of my shift. Oh, gotta go. First fare of the night. I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

Hey, boss, it's me. I just spotted those two idiots who borrowed all that money. Yeah, well, now they're strutting around in flashy suits. Don't worry. I'll get that money back no matter what, and for sure I'm not gonna stop first and get some crepes in the lobby. (WHISPERING) Where can I get some crepes? (WHISPERING) Oh, I think they stop serving those at 10:00. Do you know anywhere else that would have crepes?

Oh, You don't need to park here, Mr. Griffin. You have an executive parking space now. But that looks exactly like my old space.

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

This kind of rocks my world, even more than the time I went to that pediatrician. Whoa, Stewie. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy.

What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work. It created an evil clone of me. That's why I didn't feel more evil. All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied.

Yeah, sounds like being sick was really working for you.

Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter? Did we not have money for the Petercopter? Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron? Whatever. I want you to meet Consuela. Consuela, this is my husband, Peter, and these are our children. Hello, Mr. Peter. Hello, Mr. children.

It was enchanting.

I know, I wanted it to be good so much. Oh, I am so bummed out right now. Now I don't even know if I should submit it. (STAMMERING) Submit it? Yeah, I was planning to submit it to the Roundabout Theater Company in New York. No! I mean... I mean, that would be a bad idea. Definitely not. No, no, they won't let you down easy like I did.

I'll have to put the ham back. You know, I got some candy in my van, if your kid wants some. Oh, great! Wait a second! Ah, You got me! You got me.

How did you get him to come to you?

Um, you're not invited, Meg. What? But it's at my house. Uh, Connie, let me handle this. I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come. There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of. Hey, Chris, come on! Let's corner the nerds and call them gay and make them show us their penises! (CHUCKLES) Won't that be gay of them?

So it's settled.

(PLAYING FIDDLE TUNE) Once we have the uniforms and credentials, Cleveland, Joe and I will board the plane posing as flight attendants. Once we are in the air, we drug the pilots, at which point Quagmire is forced to step in and land the plane safely, making him a hero.

- How does that possibly... - Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil. I was put in charge of this meeting.

Hey, I need more cheese puffs, manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? $100,000. Pretty good, huh? Jeez! He's been in L.A. how long? Unbelievable.

And that was the last we ever saw of him. Well, well, well. Who do we have here? It's me, Chris. You know me. And why are you talking like a bad guy? Listen, I saw you steal money from Mom's purse.

Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one. Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel. Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? Yeah. Welcome to hell.

Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd! Peter, how was your big presentation at Chris' class? It was a huge waste of time. Well, it couldn't have been that bad. Oh, it was terrible. Everyone else there had some big, important job and was way more successful than me.

I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?

Hi. (GIGGLING)

Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Order now and receive Sounds of the 80's Studio Audience, which includes "Trouble Brewing" AUDIENCE: Ooh! MAYOR: as well as "Sweet Moment" AUDIENCE: Aw! MAYOR: and, of course, "Ethnic Kiss." (AUDIENCE CHEERING) This is an offer you don't want to miss.

Now, this is a loaded handgun. And what we're gonna do now is kill ourselves because this is horrible. Couldn't we just stop philateling? Too late. (GUN FIRES) All right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence, drinking. Hey, hey, good times just walked in.

This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring.

Oh, you're just in time. I ordered Caucasian for dinner. Chris, I'm hungry. It's your turn to keep watch for the cops. Wait a minute, am--am I the only one who thinks this is nuts? We've given up our whole lives. Come on, Brian, a change of scenery is always good.

Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story. Thanks, Tom. Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog, and we're here with their reactions. Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community.

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

Can't it be both?

Sweetie, your daddy and I are going to the movies tonight. How would you like LaDawn to baby-sit? Yes! I'm going to wow her tonight, Rupert. I'm gonna be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)

But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused. I'm not confused. I've never been more certain about anything in my life. I need him. Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're... God, I wish I could make you understand.

Thank you. (ALL SCREAMING)

This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. What the hell! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV,

Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home! Oh, my God. That is hilarious. He is probably freaking out. God! I would give anything to see his face right now.

Brian, what hell?

What kind of jerk alters time, and then falls asleep? Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it? Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

Hey, guess what? What?

This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good.

Hey, Peter, what's up? I'm stuck at the stupid ballet. Get out of here. You serious? Yeah. So am I! What? Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to screw. Where you sitting? Look across at the other balcony, I can see you.

Well, here we go. You know, buddy, I'm really gonna miss having a dog. Hey, what do you say you be my dog one last time, huh? Sure, Peter. Whatever you want. Hey, hey, whassat? Whassat, boy? Whassat? Uh. Surgical equipment.

But, Dad, I thought-- The kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, guys. I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

I don't collect until the end of the month. I'll see you tomorrow. Weird. I hope you like it. Wow, perfume! That is so sweet. It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful.

Holy crap. Evel Knievel gloves. I bet I could do a wheelie with these. How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours. $10, $2, $7, $4, $5.50, $10. Sold. Sucker. I would've gone to $15, easy. I am so stupid. Awesome.

(TOOTING) Peter, I honestly don't care what you say.

Cut green beans. Atkins-friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest, and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out. Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail. Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything.

Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!"

PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here! (GASPS) Oh, my God! I know, about the water, right? Wow, cool.

Actually puts me in the mind to write a spoken word poem. Am I falling or am I flying? Am I living or am I dying? O, Great Spirit, free me from the bonds of gravity and criticism. Deliver me from my greatest enemy.

All right, Joe, we're here. All right, Peter, Quagmire, start the diversion. Cleveland, find that door. PETER: Check. QUAGMIRE: Check. Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four.

Ah, The sun's up. I'm safe for another night. Thanks, Meg. Wow, Thanks! See ya. That was kinda cool. Yeah. I'm bored. Hey, You want to go push the janitor, knowing he can't legally push us back? Sure! Awesome. Ok, cool.

Hey, she is a handsome woman. Well, well! Look who's carrying a little flame for Glenn Close. What a surprise! Although it's not the first time you've surprised me.

Come on. You saw me on that boat. I was wearing a blazer. Huh? Come on. No! I just... I--I don't want to! All right? I don't want to right now! I told you I'm not comfortable. I think you could respect that. You know? I do respect. I totally respect it. That just makes me want you more, you know? Come on, man. Let's just... Let's just go nuts. Let's just...

And, uh, I'll take the hat rack. Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing. Okay, well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV. I can't believe you actually won.

Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Why don't you folks do some sightseeing? I promise you, If you leave Chris in my hands, the name Griffin will be as well known as Kandinsky.

Forget about bowling, Peter. You're very sick. You're not going anywhere. But if I don't go, we'll have to forfeit. I'm sorry, but you need to stay here and get better. Well, then, you're gonna have to bowl for me. What? Peter, I haven't bowled since college. Please, you got to do me this favor, Lois. You owe me from when I took you to see Shakespeare in the Park,

I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God!

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.

Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon. (MAN SINGING)

Oh, my God. I thought we were friends. The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook.

Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's. You've never been to Kohl's? Well, let me tell you about Kohl's.

Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um,

Hey, who raked the leaves? And look, somebody mowed the lawn. I was supposed to do that. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard. Peter, we don't have a choice. We've gotta bring Eli back. Oh, no, we don't.

You have to be Death! Boy, this, uh, this doesn't leave much to the imagination, does it?

What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

The reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick, very sick. And he needs our help.

Today he comes for me, but tomorrow it could be you or you! I offer you the opportunity to join me in glorious battle. I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me? Duckie?

No! Ah. Jeez, I just had the craziest dream where I bought a $100 million vasE.

Holy crap. Evel Knievel gloves. I bet I could do a wheelie with these. How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours.

Hey, I'm not even touching the lever.

Nurse! This woman is in labor! Excuse me. I was here first. My leg is asleep.

You got something to say to me? Yeah. P.S... Oh, oh, Hold on a second. H-hold on. Hold on. Relax. Everybody relax. All right, Look, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. But We need to get our anger under control before we kill each other.

This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.

- I don't think so. - Okay. - You lend me money? - No. You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? No! No, I'm not doing that. I stick finger in your mouth? Housekeeping? Okay. Okay.

I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace. Too dirty. Maybe after quitting time, I'll have a mimosa and tell y'all then. Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from.

But I am a boy.

Give me that. Why are you calling me at home? I want to hear you breathe. Breathe into the phone for me, Griffin. What? Shh. Don't talk, just breathe. It turns me on.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea. Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

(GAGGING) STEWIE: Hey, fat ass! I got news for you. The News of the World!

Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am!

because I am very self-conscious about my driving. Oh, you've got a date! What's his name? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me. How exciting, Brian. So who's the lucky lady? Well, actually, her name is Shauna Parks. Meg's teacher?

I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf.

Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Facts of Life. Hey, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something? What is it, Jo?

(LAUGHING) Little tiny guy. Gotta go all the time. (CHUCKLING) Even though he's got to race, he couldn't hold it. Mmm-hmm. (BELL RINGING) ANNOUNCER ON PA: And they're off! Go, horsey, go! God, it even runs like it's messed up in the head.

No, wait, it's a black guy. No, it's Nixon.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)

Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me?

God would totally do her He'd do her all the way Even call her the next day To see how her work was going

MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy?

Right? Oh, my God, so weird. I tell you something, if he touches my daughter, I'm gonna be kicking butts and taking names! And then giving those names to other people whose butts I kick. (GRUNTS) - What's your name? Derek. What's your name? (GRUNTS) Michael. You're Derek now!

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

A-and-- Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns. Is that a baby? Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke!

Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

Say hello to my state-appointed inspirational social worker, Vern. It's truly a pleasure to meet you all. Hey, Peter, looks like you've got yourself one super family. High five! All right! So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter.

Well, you made it, Peter. You're a big shot. In charge of a whole bunch of people. Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes, please. PEGGY: Yes, Mr. Griffin.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President!

Welcome to me family, Peter. Did you hear that, Brian? I'm a McFinnegan now. I can forget all about Francis. You know, there's something you should always remember, Peter. Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own. And if that isn't love, I don't know what is. Wow. I guess you're right, but there is one thing, Mickey.

Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

When I walk into Superstore USA, I get the sensation that I'm standing on a mountain top with the wind blowing through my hair!

No, no, no, don't look. If you make eye contact, you'll have to help. Hey! They're getting away! Release the dogs. (DOGS BARKING)

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Rebels! Rebels! Rebels! - Empire sucks! - Rebels! Rebels! Yeah! Yeah, Rebels! Yeah.

So, how'd Susie like your video? I don't care about her anymore. I'm in love with Bryan Adams. Peter, I want you to promise me you'll never do anything that stupid again. Lois, after what you did for Joe, I'll promise you anything. How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand? I told him it was for me.

Let's just take off, we'll deal with it later.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh

For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR.

(SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING)

What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian.

Dad, I don't like running.

Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture, you're workin' during the day. They got time to bump uglies. That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy.

Not now, honey. I gotta write a book report on Oliver Twist. Yes, "Oliver Twit" if you ask me. I would have done things rather differently, I can tell you that. Please, sir. I want some more. What? Please, sir. I want some more. More?

If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it. Peter, they might be very nice people. "Very nice people." Yeah, that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and bam! Skeleton city!

ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose! Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is. But first, get ready, Quahog,

Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

Ha! ha! Ha! now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute, with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.

(GASPING) Stewie? What the hell are you doing here? Are you kidding? I couldn't miss watching you crash and burn in this misguided attempt to finish college. Look, you're not staying. I'm gonna call Lois and have her pick you up right now.

This is ridiculous. Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing. Well, I have questions about her testimony. She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party. Now, how could a woman at an orgy witness a murder? The bedroom was 100 feet from the window. Okay, first of all, the term "orgy" is outdated.

You talk to Matt Lauer lately? Mm-hmm. Played 18 holes with him on Saturday. Told him he was soft in the Arafat interview.

Prepare to fire giant boob-nipple gun. (CHUCKLING)

Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me? I used my nose, which I always forget about.

Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter? I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one,

(RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here?

I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister. I say, Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!

And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.

Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from. PETER: It turned out the joke already had quite a history.

Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there. I'll always be there, Dylan. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko. (LAUGHS) Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it.

Ever Heard of a sitter? Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to-- I'll make you an endangered sPEciEs! Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here,

which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

Forget it, Carter. I'm not gonna take your bribe.

Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell Highway to hell You are banished from our community at once! And take your whore daughter with you!

I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin. Are you crazy? What are you doing here? If you must know, I've gone undercover to get rid of the toad problem. So your school can be safe and innocent, like the good ol' days.

Oh, I love this time of yeaR. Me, too. The summer tourists are gone. And We finally have the town to ourselves, before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole plaCe.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Like getting the hell out of here! No, just kidding. Can you imagine if I was like that?

I said turn us around! Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is Turn it upside down Take it back to Bespin Is that him?

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome.

Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films! Hello.

Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay...

Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world?

You cheated on me! Lois! Why the hell were you doing phone sex? I was providing for our family. You were lying. I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney! That's not the point! Well, if you think about it, I wasn't really cheating 'cause it was with you. Well, you didn't know that! Yeah, but you know what?

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING) I don't wanna wait

(RUMBLING) Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work. - See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube. (SCREAMING)

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?

Imagine that. What happened to me? I've become my father. Not guilty. That really hurt because it was a real mustache. Okay, the majority of this room now believes that there is reasonable doubt about Mayor West's guilt.

(BEEPING) Nice work, fellas! And, David, you sold the most magazine subscriptions, so you get to invite four of your friends to a pizza party. Hurray! Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold. Duh!

See, Lois? I told you we had allies. Hey hey, Slobodan, you made it! I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw. It's made out of people! Just kidding. Hey, is Muammar here yet? Yeah. He's over there with Saddam.

We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth. And I've got a pretty good idea who you've been selling it to as well.

Oh, that's just perfect. I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see. Anyone got more happy news? I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget.

Sorry. I don't like you either. You don't even know me. You know what? That's fair. I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott. He's visiting from Hoth.

God, you know, I don't know why this guy's wife isn't here watching this stuff. If I were her, I'd be here every show.

Oh, My God! You were really gonna do it! i-- But-- You... Nurse, this dog is trying to kill me! Nurse! You are twisted, lady! y-You hear me?

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad?

(INHUMAN SHRIEKING) The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die.

Well, let me show you around.

Oh, come on.

- I did not care for The Godfather. - What? Did not care for The Godfather. How can you even say that, Dad? Didn't like... Didn't like it. Peter, it's so good. It--It's like the perfect movie. This is what everyone always says whenever... Robert De Niro, Al Pacino... I mean, you never see... Robert Duvall! (STUTTERING) I know. Fine, fine actor.

Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening. That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined.

(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees. Yeah! You are all villains to me because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah! (LOUD CHEERING) What's going on? Did I miss something?

And I mean white-white. So no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full-blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. (SIGHS) America.

Come on, kids. Bedtime. Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night. Dog? Yeah? hmm.

Dagnab! That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys. Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool.

Oh, my God. Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways. Thank you. (ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies. I think about you while having sex with my wife. I thank you with $1. That's a lot of money to them.

(GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God!

Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty. I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay?

(SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh? (IMITATES FANFARE)

Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus.

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.

Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING) Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw!

Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere. You're Dingo, that dog that plays all those fart sounds on the radio. Awesome!

I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right. I don't believe it! Finally I can do this! I set that thing up 15 years ago. Hey, where's the clown? We've got to do something about this. Pack your bag, Peter. We're going to Washington. Oh, there he is.

Boy, I am late for that meeting. (GROANS) Come on, math, you dick. Come on, Brian.

What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you.

Okay, 2820 Ocean, this is it.

No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?

Nothing's going to bring our baby back. No, no, No, I insist. I will make it my life's work to find out-- We're fine! Just drop it! The next laser rock show will begin in 20 minutes. You hear that, Brian? A laser rock show! Come on, cheer up, would you? I don't much feel like iT.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive?

Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes! I'll have what he's having.

Let's get loud, let's get loud Turn the music up, let's do it, come on, people, let's get loud Let's get loud Turn the music up to hear that sound Let's get loud

What? But Dad... And for God's sake, do not be afraid to make me a sandwich while you're in there. (INHALES) Peter, Meg's been in there a long time.

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.

It really reminds me of me and my friends. You know, the way we just hang out, before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this. Well, I can't do it, but you know.

Chris, being expelled is a serious thing. Peter, we've got to find another school for him. I say, I could home-school him. After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop. Oh! (LAUGHING)

Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there. And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. I tried to call! I can't get through.

Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous.

No, I can't do that.

Boy, I sure am happy to be back. Yeah, Peter, we thought we'd lost you for good. And luckily, I don't know many words, so I was able to relearn them all in a day. Don't ever leave us again, Dad. Sorry, Chris, but this weekend, Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club. He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me.

Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of "S"... "T"... "D"s! That McGriffin guy was so cool! Totally! I'm never doing drugs now! Ahh!

Oh, Dad took me to a doctor to get the fat vacuumed out of my belly. What? I didn't do it. I'm just gonna stay on my diet and exercise. Good for you. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction.

Meg, sweetheart what's wrong? My life. That's what's wrong. I was totally humiliated at school today.

Children crave structure. They enjoy the fun of planned activities in which they and their parent or guardian can share a common goal. Maybe you could take Chris fishing.

ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w--

She works at a pet store.

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me. You love me, and you know it. Hey, hey, mouth, young lady. Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? (RAZZING) Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg!

Ha! I knew it! And what's more, I have witnesses! Bonnie! Loretta? Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here? I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.

I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To... To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things.

Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

It came from over there!

I'm talking to you! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go on strike! And you can all try living without me! You ever think about that, huh? (SCREAMING) That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that. Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

Ma'am, did you have a female relative who's passed on to the other side named... Um... Um... Polly? Polly! I said it first.

Meg! What happened to you?

(SCREAMING) These are mine!

My God, you've just made me the happiest dog in the world. " love you, Brooke. " love you, too, Brian. All right, that's a wrap. Well, it was great working with you, Brian. Good luck.

(SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV.

Peter, those are Cheerios. You must begin your journey now.

Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson.

Look, I came as soon as Peter contacted my website.

Hey, You're a big man. You figure it out! You know, I bet there's a part of you that really wants to be friends with them. Maybe. So Be nice to them. Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness. Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that!

No. Yes, it is. Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? No.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Oh, this is so cool.

(SOBBING) (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Lois! Mom! Geez, what the hell's her problem? Peter, she was already feeling insecure about her age, and then you went and gave her that horrible speech! I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. I'm King Stewie! I rule with an iron fist!

You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

It's just this jerk that goes to my school. You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why.

Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday.

I, uh, was just kidding when I told my family I loved 'em. - I am Mahmoud. - I'm Peter.

Want to go for a swim? Sure.

Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die. Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour.

uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez.

I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license. Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time. So you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver. My own driver? Holy crap, that's awesome. Where is he? She's right here, Peter.

(MONITOR BEEPING) (VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY) (DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY) (LIVELY TUNE BEGINS)

Hey, I'll see you, fellows. I got some fish to catch. Ah, Let's see. Latitude 42, longitude 71. This is it. What the hell? Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one!

What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called nunya business. Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing?

I--i play, uh--uh, Rory's motorcycle- driving boyfriend.

Hi. He'll be right back. He's in the bathroom.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Peter. Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible. Oh, I didn't get any sleep.

So We're placing your family in the witness protection program.

I'm here for the boy. Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht.

We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted! I'm sorry, but we open this show in 3 hours, and I don't think we're ready! Of course we're not! You keep changing everything! You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her! I can't work this way. I quit!

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time!

Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II. (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS)

I can think of quite another place They should've stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis.

Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

Ho-ho! You pat my back, I pat yours, and Pat Robertson pats Mr. Happy. (EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters. Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I... My wife is dead.

I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one?

Damn it, Peter, you're going fishing, aren't you? You promised me you'd come to lunch with my parents today. Well, Lois, until we get an appointment secretary, things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks. My parents are not gonna like this, Peter. You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding. You may now kiss the bride.

Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

I tried to stick up for you but I can't, because everybody hates you. You're gonna be ugly when you grow up. And everything in your house is cheap. And it smells in here. Hey, Brian. Bye! That was fun. I like Gavin. (COUNTRY SONG PLAYING ON RADIO) Yay! This is such a great song.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly. I don't know... I don't know what else... Wait. Wait. (CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No!

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah. I joke around a lot.

(GROANS)

I'm having some trouble getting up. Would you mind calling my nurse? Her name is Frieda. Her phone number is in the kitchen.

(SCREAMING) Hey, did you see a hand come down here? No.

No, no, this is my sister. Ew! No, no, no, I'm impotent. Ew! I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself. Ew! I mean, she's a man. Ew! We need more "E's" and "W's" down here now! MAN: We're trying! We're running out of letters! Just turn the "M's" upside down and send them down here!

What's Family Guy?

Listen, For what it's worth, I'm real sorry my wife's ancestors made you suffer so much.

My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon. Hello, Luke.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) All right, this is the place. We got to see if we can find Briggs's girl. Hey, we're looking for a stripper named Tanya. She here tonight? Yeah, she's working the Champagne Room.

No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? (ALL GASP) Oh, about the... (STUTTERING) The... The pie!

Yeah, they get our generation.

Come on, now, let's not talk about work. It's a dinner party.

I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. Oh, We can dish, talk about who's getting fat.

(BEEPING) Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android! Of course. She's a product of Disney Imagineering. They built a perfect robot teen idol.

No, we're--we're gonna have to do something drastic.

A land where a man is paid a wage he can live on. A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck. All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive. That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

(BOTH MOANING) I'm going insane, Brian. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I've got to tell Julie my true feelings. So tell her. Have you heard, Karina? We're gonna be doing the show live today. I'm so nervous. I've never been on live TV before.

Follow me. Hey, Quagmire, uh, you ever been to Atlantic City before? Once, about 20 years ago. Why? All right! All right! All right! All right! Hey, are you Tanya? Yeah. Who are you? A guy who's looking for Bobby Briggs. Where is he?

(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here.

I don't know. Nine, with a remainder of Brent. Oh! 'Cause Brent can't fit in the glory hole And that's why we all like Brent (SPLUTTERS) ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to That Black Guy Must Be Doing Well Because Everything He Owns is White.

(SCREAMING)

Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

Maybe he's right. We can make a new start. Oh, Come on, guys. Don't let him sweet talk you like that. Wait. You can't leave now. I'm supposed to be the hero here. Wait! Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera? Dang, Stupid robbers with your guns and your make-out parties.

I wrote you that because I knew you'd never come if it was me.

Yes. Though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea. I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy And your record will stand as proof Be it galley or a freighter, I'm an expert navigator And you're also a world-class poof My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street

and I want the best for you and our family. I love you, too, Lois. Isn't anybody gonna thank me? Yeah, I'll have a water if you're getting one. Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!

What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of...intercourse

Peter. Ah! It is time to repay your favor to the don. Aw, Jeez. At least that's one problem solved.

Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.?

Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) (BRIAN CRYING)

Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med. Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap!

MALE TV ANNOUNCER: And now, Quahog Channel 5 presents "Movie and a Bath with a Guy Named Lou." Hey. It's Saturday night, and you know what that means. We're gonna take a bath and watch the 1984 interesting movie, Gremlins. Now, the gremlins are funny. I don't know if those things are puppets or they put costumes on dogs or something,

Fine with me. Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick. You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel! Well You're one to talk! You've been stuffing your diaper since day one! It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos! Just because your breath reeks of rotten Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to. - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

(BURPS) Schumai. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Oh. (GRUNTS)

mmm. - Peter! - Oh, Sorry.

Of course I know how to get us home!

Time to initiate Phase 2. All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman!

Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

A box of Junior Mints? This isn't an iPod? Your Junior Mints play MP3s? My iPod is chocolate? Well, be that as it may, or not be that,

But no one else can friend me like you BOTH: A friendship is the best thing ever MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better

With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson! Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, you're lovely. I haven't heard that much applause since Bob Crane premiered his home movies in my closet. (PETER LAUGHS) All right, let's play the Feud.

Can I just show you? One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

Chris, what the hell is going on with you lately? Ever since you hooked up with this band, you're like a completely different person, and I don't like it one bit. I am expressing myself! Now, get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter. What the hell is his problem? I don't know.

(SCREAMING)

I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please? What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.

A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I should probably get going. Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again. We got a big tournament coming up next week.

But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused. I'm not confused. I've never been more certain about anything in my life. I need him. Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're... God, I wish I could make you understand. You don't know what you need. - I know what she needs. - You do?

He's a family guy

Well, luckily the value of this place plummeted because this is a meth town now. You know, I think the lesson here is that if your community has problems, you don't abandon it. It's better to stay put and help fix those problems. That's right, Lois, 'cause wherever you run to, your problems have a funny way of finding you.

Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? (GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan? Oh, my God! Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help!

and there's nothing you can change about that. But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you let them. If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself,

Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo!

I had a great time with you tonight. You're really amazing. Thanks, Andy. I had a great time, too. Hey. How about some love for shoulder guy over here? Shoulder guy wants to get in on this. Just ignore him. Okay. So, do you maybe want to go in the other room? Sure. Sounds good. And shoulder guy's going with you.

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it?

No, it's too small. Wait, Dad, look. There's Meg walking down the street. Hey, Meg! Hanging out with all your friends? (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, whale, the ocean's that way! That's a good one, too.

What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello.

Wait a minute, what did I do before? That's all I have to do, right, is duplicate the circumstances, but do it the opposite way. All right, I was standing right here, the machine was on, I broke the glass... And I turned the gauge backward. Maybe if I turn it in the other direction.

All right! Her first drum solo. Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you.

But I was too shy to ask her ouT. Ah! What's with that moustachE? HuH? Let me see thAT. Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos. Here. This is her. Hey, nice ass. Sorry. No, No. That's Edward James Olmos' ass. I guess I don't have a photo of her.

All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail.

Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing? I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter, but I love you and I can't stand it anymore! Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down! This is a good sweater! Off! Off!

Yeah, That's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. Some brother just fell in the ocean. Oh, God! I remember that. And all those seals died. It was-- It was all over the news. The--

I know I make you mad sometimes, but I thought we agreed you'd hang up the gloves. I'll hang up the gloves after I knock her ass out. Peter, she milked your boobs,

I might never find anyone. Oh, Chris, of course you'll find someone. And you are a prize. You're a handsome, kind-hearted young man, and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life. You really think so? Of course I do, sweetheart. Thanks, Mom.

don't you forget about me don't, don't, don't, don't don't you

Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee?

(SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough! My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this.

Chris, have you... Have you been drinking? Yes. Have you been aging? I want you two to do it right in front of me, and I'm gonna throw 40 bucks on your sweaty bodies when you're done. Let's see the money.

No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz. Oh, you mean, like, if he dove into the shallow end? No. Regular Mark Spitz. Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach? No, I'm Mark Spitz! He won seven gold medals! Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum, P.I. I'm... Fine, I'm crippled Magnum, P.I.

Rodney, did you take out the trash? Um, I forgot. (GROANING)

Hey, Quagmire. Just taking the family on vacation. That's good. Hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass.

Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it! Chris, Why don't you want to take your shirt off? Oh, Because I'm fat. Oh, Honey, no one thinks you're fat. I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board. This is my son!

No, I saw it in a book. You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick.

I can't believe you went to that much effort just to sabotage me. You're a jerk, you know that? Listen, at least I wasn't trying to change the name of the school... to impress my girlfriend. Now that is not true. Oh, yeah? Then why did you pick Martin Luther King? Why not Ronald Reagan? He was always fun, especially in his later years.

This is a disgusting display.

Brian, will you carry me upstairs? I want to look at my toys. - No. I'm watching television. - Come on, I'm sick. All right. Come here.

Really? You're sure you don't want to reconsider my friend? Let me see. Oh, that ain't bad!

TERRORIST: We missed!

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity.

yeah, A trip like this is just what I need to clear my head. Well, That would be wonderful. It'll give me time to catch up on my reading. Oh, Usually there are so many distractions. Come into my home, will ya?

Lois, I am gonna grow a mustache. Then I'll have it made, like the Monopoly guy. Except when he goes directly to jail. MAN: I wish I could tell you that the Monopoly guy fought the good fight, and the sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no fairytale world.

Tom, residents all over Quahog have been affected by the heavy rains, although some are doing their best to ride it out. For example, I'm here with Rides-a-Ten-Speed-Everywhere Guy.

(CHOKING) I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location. 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown.

Welcome to eighth grade orientation, everyone. Locker assignments will be handed out in the library after lunch period. if you have any questions about your locker assignments or your class schedule, please come... We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man.

I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss. Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile. I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

And one guy had an umbrella.

(SQUAWKS) (SNAPS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Stu! Stu! Stu!

Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold.

Oh, hey, I'll-- I'll do that. Uh, I'll catch up with you guys at the pub. So it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas! Ah, This is gonna be great. Cruises are the best. And look. It says we have our choice of cabins, port or starboard.

Oh, God. I don't want that! Then you better knock off all the Jewish stuff. Well, all right. If that's what you think is best. Wait. Dad, before you go, can you say, "Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System?" Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System.

It's good to have land.

(ALL SCREAMING) DREYFUSS: Now, he said, "Sic them, boy." But what I heard was, "Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans "who aren't as bitter as they should be." Glad I could do my part. I think you may have done too much.

What's that Brian? Oh, you were just kidding? I knew you were. I love you, too, Brian, and you love me. You do love me, Brian. Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey.

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

My boy, between the two of us We'll get you on that shorty bus and then you're gonna take it for a whirl Now go impress that super-thrilling wish-fulfilling, Yoo-hoo spilling Ultra-swinging, boner-bringing gaily singing, ding-a-linging

Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us?

(YAWNS) How you girls doing on popcorn? I'll take some. Here you go.

Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise? It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out! Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk?

RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy.

Well, that's it. I have no choice. I've got to run away.

I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold,

Oh, Great. Buy one and let's get out of here. What do you mean, buy one? All I've got is $50. We're gonna have to distract him. Follow my lead.

Now, are you going to help me get those Hannah Montana tickets? Stewie, you're not going to be able to get tickets. It's, like, the biggest thing in town. It's sold out. Then you are going to help me find a way to get in. Okay, okay, I'll help you.

Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Lois is out of control.

Hey, forgot about you guys. Well, I guess the date's over. Goodnight, Brooke. Thanks for a lovely evening.

PETER: Let go!

BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING)

All right, let's hurry up and find a way out! (GASPING) Well, well, it's quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem. Kill them.

He's been so weird lately. You notice now that he's bald, whenever he thinks about something, he scratches his wrist? Hey, Quagmire, we got a pitcher. You want a beer? Eh, I don't think so. I was planning on looking at pictures of birds later, and I don't want to be all fuzzy-headed for that. Listen, Quagmire, we hate you now. Yeah, you used to be fun.

That's enough, Dad! (CRYING) I just want you to know, Meg, if there's anything you ever want,

What the hell is this? For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie!

Who's that up there? Oh, that's our gunman. Every once in a while, one of our toys becomes real, and we have to make sure it doesn't get out. Brian, look! That must be where Rupert is!

Let me see it. No. No, I don't want to gross you out. (GROANING) We are in so much pain, right now. The two of us. Okay, that was real!

in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.

and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. "Have you hidden my hatchet?" "'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?"

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was a big joke. (INHALES DEEPLY) I'd, um... I'd just like...

All right, hurry up, let's get this over with.

Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt. Just what we need, another girl. You said it! Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her... ...and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis.

Come on! Open it up. CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING)

What is your wife's favorite outdoor activity?

Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the David Hyde Pierce incident.

Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you. - Me, too. - But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight!

He's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc. Oh, God's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc I'm sorry. What were we talking about? Hey, where the hell is my van? Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.

Oh, well, for God's sake! Uh, are... Are you robbers? Yeah. Well, you could, you could take my wallet. My MasterCard's in there. Although, to be honest, I'll probably just cancel it before you can use it. So... Oh, um... Give me that hole punch!

No, Brian, you have to give Mary some attitude. Look, you do my line and I'll show you.

This man has been injured! He needs medical attention!

I could do it, Brian! I could do it right now and nobody would say a thing.

I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once. I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know?

Wow, a Paris Hilton party.

Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

Wow. You went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself. I went to Brown. My incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown.

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these. Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you! Hey, what's that sound?

Got you! Got you!

Yeah, gay.

(GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.

(SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING)

I was just saying to Brian, "I hope this move won't be a boner." I would agree. I hope he finds what he's looking for. Okay. Well, we're gonna miss you, Brian. NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there.

H-Hello? Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her! Brian! We were just on our way to the airport.

I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty,

who has purchased your bar. Bit of an awkward moment, really. Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank." Your move, Sherlock.

Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back!

Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here, and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right. Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good. Can we get some salami and... Brian, Brian, let me handle this. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

The jungle gym is the grocery store, the swing set is the mall, the seesaw is the post office, and the sandbox is our summer home. Can you believe it, Brian? We... We have a summer home! I mean, yes, we'll... We'll have to rent it out some years to help pay for... Oh, no, wait, no, we won't, because I'm a famous race car driver. I forgot! Stewie, you're not a race car driver.

Ugh. Let's hear it for Joe! Yeah, let's hear it for the guy who found Joe! Yay! Ok. Huh.

Okay, look, next time we'll go to another store. How about that? Just forget it, all right? I just want to sit here, watch the ball game and have a few beers. MAN 1: It's ball three, low and outside to Ramirez. MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base. MAN 1: The crowd's enjoying it,

And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook! Get out.

Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching. Ha, I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning.

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

Right, right, honey? Yeah. They couldn't seat us for, like, an hour, so we ended up coming here and we just loved it. Loved it. I can see why. I mean, that halibut was... That may have been the best halibut I've ever had. Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this.

Oh, my God! (CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING) Who is that angel? That's Susie Swanson.

Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

Let me ask you this.

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING) (SCREAMS) Sheldon. What are you doing? Get back in your bowl where you belong.

(LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to. (LAUGHING)

Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about.

How much is this volcano insurance? Uh, i-i don't know. Uh, Let's say, $200. $200? That's more than I spent on all that handsome cream. I don't have that kind of money! What about that jar of money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund. Ah, Come on, it never rains in Rhode Island. Well, Yeah, but I'm pretty sure we've never had a volcano either.

(INHALING) Hey! Well, as long as death is staring us in the face, I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather, who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s.

No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan! I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin. He's this tall.

So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended.

What did you say? Quagmire's flying to Alaska? Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on! I get what you're driving at. If Carol can't have Mayor West, no one can. Quagmire, I want you to crash that plane. No survivors, you hear me? Peter, for God sakes, no! Tell him to turn the plane around. Hey, listen, Quagmire, turn the plane around and bring it back here.

I'm probably over the 30-day return limit but, um, i--I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Um, i-It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's just, i--I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh, and, uh, I also left a button on the bureau.

Thank you, sweetie. Now, Peter, we've gotta find some food. Oh, my God! Look!

High five! All right!

There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable. Like the stock photos on a corporate website.

He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury.

Giggity. Giggity.

Hey, I'm so excited that we're gonna be neighbors. We should totally hang out. Yeah, that'd be great.

But Brian, I love you! (LOUDLY SOBBING)

(SNORING)

(SCREAMING)

(SLURRING) We interrupt this program because I have had kind of a crap day, and I know all the station passwords to do it. So, smell that finger, Quahog!

and we got to do something about it. Couldn't we just ask the women to leave? No, no. I got something way more expensive and time-consuming in mind. Well, men, the Quahog Men's Club is complete. It took six weeks and cost $8,000, but it was worth it. Peter, I wish you'd get rid of this thing. It's an absolute eyesore.

Canada sucks.

MAN: Orders. (BAGPIPE PLAYING AMAZING GRACE)

Congratulations. So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation. Don't you mean, just under the line? The day I'm corrected by a.... I'm sorry. Just please trust the analysis.

I--I know. i know. shh. But later!

I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch.

Is this your card? I don't know.

I'm sorry, I didn't copy that. Who are you looking for? Carlos Spicy Wiener, do you copy? Carlos Spicy Wiener here, go ahead. They found us, kid. We're going back to base. Just as soon as I grab some powder with these skiing young people.

9/11 was bad.

Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide,

Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

(SCREAMING)

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity,

Wait! We have to go back. What? What are you talking about? Kids, your mom is clearly delirious from the altitude. I say we leave her behind and marry that hot new assistant from my work. Look, Ben freezing to death was one thing.

Okay, Stewie, time for bed. You want Mommy to read you a night-night story? Oh, how about this one?

This is my home. You guys got an ATM? I only got $37 on me. What's the matter with them? We've never seen that much money before. - You are richest man in the country. - Richest man in the country? Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor King Arthur Griffin.

Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery.

I don't. I'd rather you marry a... (STAMMERING) A Japanese or something. I'm with you, too, buddy. In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years. God bless the both of you. Hey, it's 4:30.

No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth!

(SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING)

Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING) And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says.

Is that... What is that... Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that...

Do you have any desire for Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily? No. Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill? No. You sure? This thing was unstoppable. This was the soundtrack to my '95. To my '95 and my '96, actually. No, thank you. Richard Marx, Hold On To The Night? (EXCITEDLY) Yes! (STUTTERING) I mean... Yeah, no...

Good morning, USA

Come into my home, will ya? I'll show you, you bastards.

(MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)

Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs! Good morning, class.

Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died. (HISSING) (SCREAMING)

You just blew all that money hiring that English-to-raccoon translator. (WHISPERING) (CHITTERING) (CHITTERING ANGRILY) Don't need a translator for that one. Tell him to come back when he's ready to act like an adult.

Yeah, but you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the third one? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending three movies walking there? That's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest. Well, I'm not arguing that with you, I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.

It's choppier, it's more texturized. Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name? Well, now that you know how it feels, maybe you want to give him an apology. You went to Taki, didn't you? Look, Peter, I'm sorry for the way I treated you, but is there anything you can do to get me back in the club? Well, I suppose I could talk to Barrington.

You know, Lois is right. I've been out of work too long. Well. I--I think you should find something you really enjoy doing.

(HORN BLARING) Uh-oh, sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home. I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Oh, it is so good to see all of you. How is everything at home?

Let's get out of here, Brian. That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me. Don't let me catch you, 'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later. (LAUGHING)

I'll point him in your direction. Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing. Double fault! Come on, Brian. Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding?

This is insane! Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town. If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair... ...l'll never ask you for shopping money again. Please?

I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

So how did it go? I--i--I'm not finished yet. Aren't you gonna ask me how it went? Yes! Did you talk to the company executives? Peter, answer mE! YEah, I did! And They made me president. Of the whole company? All right, Dad!

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman. GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning...

Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that. Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Say, aren't you a little young to join the army? No, I have that, uh, Webster disease. Hey, is that the M9 double-action pistol? Sure is. Standard issue in the army.

Oh, my God, no! Quick, everyone! Into the pod!

Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois? Chemistry class? Freshman year? Joycie? You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong? Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney.

PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again. He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check. Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end,

Oh, I see what you're driving at.

It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Can I be a reporter? I don't know, Meg. You never seemed to be that interested in journalism, or journalists such as myself.

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood.

Enough of this crap. Ezekiel.

You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this? I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it. Okay, okay, I can do this. All right, lay down. It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that. It's like watching someone do algebra. I just have no conception of how it's done. Oh, God! (COUGHING) Okay, you ready?

Oh. Oh. Thanks.

No. Time for some Tikka Masala. Doctor, I won't lie to you. I'm a little uncertain about this. That's perfectly natural, Mrs. Griffin, and you should ask as many questions as you can before you decide. So how's it work, Doc? You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd?

And we also have evidence that Darth Vader tried to buy yellowcake uranium from unwed teenage mothers. Those things all sound scary!

Maybe this is all a dream. Aah! It was a dream! I need a glass of water. Wait a minute. I moved out of the desert years ago. Maybe this is a dream! Aah! Phew. I am ready to be a parent, Mr. Burke.

(CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay. Will Lois Griffin please come to the courtesy booth?

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now?

Fear not. Someday word will reach you about the success of me, the great Eskimo actor, Jennifer Love Hewitt! Bring pride to our village! Send firewood.

Hey, look, kids, it's a re-creation of the lost city of New Orleans. Dad, was there ever a real city of New Orleans? No one knows, Chris. No one knows.

But it's gonna rain all night.

So what'd you do to get exiled? I got caught pleasuring myself to a painstakingly etched engraving of the Wife of Bath. What'd you do? I slept with an underage virgin to cure my puff penis. Hey, fellows. You want to join me in a game of mumble peg? Oh, no, thanks. Fine. I'll play by myself. (MUMBLING GIBBERISH)

You're eating another bird.

(LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask. No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore. I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan.

sorry the video-store pickings were a little sparse. Hope you like Roman Holiday.

It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it.

'cause, you know, there's no "I" in pie. Except for the "I". But enough about numbers. You go.

I said get lost! Where's he going? Dad! Let him go, kids. You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE! Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it.

in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans? So, remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.

Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

DISPATCH: All units, we've got a domestic disturbance at Fifth and Maple. This is Officer Swanson responding, I'm on my way. All right, you guys, these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey, so I need you to stay in the car, okay? No joking around.

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

Hey, what's with all the cars on the street? They're all here for your surprise party, Meg. Peter, for God's sake, you idiot! We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!" Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear! Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody? Chris, what the hell?

I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman? Well, Actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse!

After years of study, I've discovered the secret to longer life in canines. And that secret is-- We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time.

And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Yay! What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor?

How cute. It's a time machine! No! It's a... Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant! A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing!

Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

Hi, Meg. It's Bonnie. How is everything going there? Great. Has Joe died? What? No. That's good.

Road House.

Ha! Fiber!

Yeah, he and the guys went to go rob your dad. I believe you. I'm in.

Personal, life, career. I'm an open book.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry!

All right, can we go now? Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check. 9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian.

All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea.

you know, I wasn't when I came in. But isn't that so funny? I'm getting there. Yeah. Same here. I think the only reason we die is-- Dude, Dude, I know what you're gonna say. And I am so completely-- Wait, wait, wait! Shh-shh-shh.

Gentlemen, please remove this man from the building. What the... I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! This is my company! Throw that guy out! Sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but we work for Mr. Griffin now. You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am? I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! I'm not getting in that elevator! Don't you dare throw me out of this lobby! Don't you... Damn it!

Oh, crap! Guess we lost him. Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING)

Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY PLAYING)

World keeps on spinning. Yeah. Oh, no! Jenga, there it is. Well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga. Stewie, you're so cute, I can't even stand it. Thank you. I'm having a good time, too.

(SCREAMING)

But I'm gay. What? No. You can't be. (STAMMERING) You were so into me that first night. Honestly, I thought your vaginal gatherings were the timid penis of a coy first date. Well, first of all, I'm flattered, but, Glenn, this is heartbreaking. I was gonna be your perfect little wife.

You know what? Maybe I'll just go take up my old job as a construction worker in New York. Although I never did get the cat callin' right. Yo, baby. I want a piece of that. You suck!

(CHOKING) Don't push.

See, Peter? It wasn't so bad. Yeah, except for having to sit next to that screaming autistic lady in the waiting room. (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS)

Oh, no! Patch of sand.

Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Peter! I had a juice before we left.

Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know...

Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn. Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No. Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off. Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa!

and she died from a rotten vagina.

We're going to have so much fun on Petey's Funhouse today, but before we begin, your friend Petey wants to sing you a song. What makes you so special? The fact that you are special But if everybody's special That kinda waters it down

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad.

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines. Y-You could! You--and--And not just like Jugs, or--or Creamsicle.

Well, la-dee-fucking-da!

I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster. Yeah, besides, they're still not going to let you on.

You bastard.

That medium-sized hill.

The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk? Hey, Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring. Grandpa Griffin? Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears? Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."

My man, Ronald, who did this? Oh, man, they were so good together! We were just establishing our friendship. They were about to get engaged. Oh, he was going to ask me to be an usher. I mean, he already had enough groomsmen, so he made me an usher,

Bring it on!

(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas!

Hey, what's eating you?

but all I did was make people feel as bad as Randy made me feel. I'm just a big jackass. It's all right, Dad, I forgive you. As long as you promise never to bully anyone again. I promise, Chris. I mean, you know, unless I get really stinking drunk, in which case all you got to do is outrun your sister.

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion.

Ah, Such grace. That's the thing about hunting. You gotta be patient. What the hell was that?

(SINGING) A little bit softer now. I'll come out when they're all gone.

You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys? Ooh it up

(CROWD CHEERING) The days of despair and hardship are over! Today begins a new order! All of Europe will tremble as Germany takes its rightful place as ruler of the world! Oh, yeah! Yes. As I was saying, the time for victory is upon us!

Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING)

Aay!

You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl.

Wh-Where was I? Wh-Where were you? Out drinking. But I was back by 2:00. Oh, No! Our top story. The Clams Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Trisha Takanawa is on the scene. is quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes.

You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny.

Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING) (SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy! PETER: I can't get involved 'cause of journalism. Tom! Tom Tucker! Tom! The news isn't funny. It's not supposed to be funny. Tom, who were you having dinner with in there? Was it a guy? Are you gay? Someone said you were gay. It was me.

Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry. Say something. Wait. What the hell's going on? What do you mean, I ruined television? You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws.

Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad!

and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois?

Oh, it's really interesting. I'm at the part where they detail the account of Admiral Halsey's victory at Midway. - You mean Admiral Spruance, sweetie. - Huh? Well, Halsey was hospitalized with psoriasis at the outset of the battle. So Spruance, who, prior to June of 1941, was primarily a desk admiral, was charged with leading the naval fleet at Midway against Japan.

Monkey, grab my hand!

Stewie, look, you were right. Santa is real, and he needs our help. Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's Christmas this year. Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon. What? He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving. All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello. Oh, hi, Dr. Hartman. All right. I'll tell him. Thanks. Bye. You don't have cancer. You're going to be fine.

Hey, Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?

We're never gonna win that talent show. Hey, now, Peter, you gotta remember that when we used to write the old songs, we had a lot of "inspiration," huh? You know, I think Brian may have some inspiration in a cigar box under his bed. I don't know, Lois. I don't think this is gonna work. Come on, we can't give up on our goals. What if Jesus had done that?

Where are we? I don't know. It's like we're not anywhere. Stewie, what the hell did your machine do? Just calm down, calm down, Brian. I've got the return pad. All right, step on. What happened? Good Lord! This is impossible! What?

Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over your head? Peter, what's wrong? That obvious? Well, you always do the skull gag when you're depressed. Talk to me. Well, it's just, i--I've been trying to teach Chris how to be a man, you know? First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo.

I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop? Use the rubber stoppers on the front.

Oh, hey, um, I just came to say, um, you know, in a couple of years, something's going to come along called Sesame Street. And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind. The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? Of course. Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.

We've got to change our way of thinking.

If I haven't seen it, it's new to me. You just went a little overboard.

Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now. Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

Pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles You suck! Somebody get a hook! This is worse than Seussical! No! No, wait! wait! I was about to do this thing.

Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful. He looks just like his father. Boy, I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids. I'll never know that joy. Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance.

yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me

You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist.

No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy. Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

(CHOKING) There's nothing to do downtown. Enough of this. Vader, release him. As you wish. (GASPING) All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole? Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow, if price is no object. Uh... We'll get estimates. (LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY) Get estimates, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Didn't you do an interview with that fast-talking FedEx guy? Yeah. I ended up dating him for three months. That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought onboard. Um, actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody. I sithed my pants.

So, Brian and Stewie found Santa Claus, but he sure wasn't what they expected. It turned out the increasing demands of Christmas had all but destroyed the poor old man. Okay, look at this. Somebody gave me a little remote control helicopter.

(CHUCKLING) I stole Meg's cutaway.

Is that the best you got, you pile of crap? Yes.

Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns. And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him. Ah, Mercy!

"Peter Griffin." One of us is Peter Griffin. Look at this indent on the steering wheel. It's a perfect match. Oh, my God! - You're Peter Griffin! - Yeah, I am. And you live at 31 Spooner Street. Finally, a real clue. Let's go!

Quagmire, remember what's on the other side. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

And that's why you're allowed to eat as much mozzarella as you want in any church.

Hang on, kid. Yoda. Dagobah system. Zima soup. Yoda. Dagobah. Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here! Well, I can't stand this cold anymore. I'm gonna die. Oh!

and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids. Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie?

Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har.

(SCREAMING)

Plutonium! H-He is real! He's really, really real! So, uh, Peter, Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? You bet. A week's vacation, a new V.C.R.,

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing!

Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow!

Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep.

She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh!

Okay, here it comes. Watch. Watch. MAN: We've had situations where the hostages have embraced their captors after their release and even corresponded with them in prison. No, no. No, darling. Asian Dawn. Dawn. D-A-W-N. - Sir? - Yeah? Sir, the FBI is here.

I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws.

I'll never join the dark side. Never! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape.

I do this for you, and I have your permission to think about you later tonight when I'm in the tub.

If you want to win people over,

No, lost it. There it is again! Perfect, Peter. Now we can all enjoy it. Here's to togetherness!

That means you'll play the organ. It also means that this family is gonna start going to church again on Sundays. Being there today reminded me of how important religious services are to the moral fiber of a family. And lately this family has been lacking moral fiber. Especially you, Meg. Meg! What happened to you?

Stewie! Bad boy!

He's a family guy ANNOUNCER: Do you want an excuse to not go home this Christmas? Then fly Northwest Airlines.

He's probably out enjoying himself. He's in jail.

Maybe we should poke him with the "is-the-puma-ready?" stick. (ROARING) Oh, my God, I can't let him do this! Come on, kids! We got to get down to that TV studio! Okay, yeah, just step on the coloring book. That's cool.

but when I heard your voice, I felt like I found some part of me that was lost. Doesn't make any sense, but it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together. That's kind of nice. I guess I could understand that. Now that you're here in front of me, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

You did all this in a day? The matrix formed in a day. The life-forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate. Can I cook or can't I?

This is your post-9/11 racism talking. I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend. You know, a lot of dogs just sit outside, tied to poles. Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay? So he's Muslim. Every culture has its quirks. Italian guys talk with their hands a lot, Irish guys drink a lot,

What the hell? Oh, for God's sake, where's that white-noise machine? (WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! (SIGHS)

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed!

All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911! He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now!

Hey Lois, you want to go out? What? We-- I don't know, Glen. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time. eh. How about now? well, We are supposed to see other people. And I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert. I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo!

Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break!

I think it came from upstairs. (EXCLAIMING) Oh. Hey. This is the week you guys were coming up?

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see

How could Dad do this to me? Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He--He was doing it for you. He knows how much you want to go to Brown. There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. Now, that's not true. Libel's not a felony. It's a civil matter. Don't worry. Your father will straighten everything out.

no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter.

Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm!

I got an idea. One of us should pretend we're hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump them. That's perfect, Joe. Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here?

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing?

We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated. Whoo. Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group.

(GASPING) I saw it... I seen it, Quagmire. I was there in the apartment! We're ready.

That's--that's-- That's right.

Some show? Lois, those men showed me the way to an identity I've been searching for my whole life. I'm gonna do everything a redneck is supposed to do. This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING)

It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants. (LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming? It's coming, it's coming. There are some problems. We're having much better luck developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons. Oh, damn. Well, I guess we'll just let you get back to work. Oh, I almost forgot.

Ok, that one's a feminist type.

Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!

HEy, Hey, I'm over here. Hey! Hi, Chris. You know my name? Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg. Oh. Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked.

Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace.

I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg.

Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants? Oh, look, who's here. Mr. "I don't have time for your Little League games." Come here, you son of a bitch!

Uh... I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches.

Me? What the hell did I do?

Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts? I'd say come again? And then I'd laugh because I said "come." But thank God that's not the case, eh. You're a Scout. And you know what that means?

Threepio, tell them to let us go. What the hell am I supposed to say? Tell them if they don't let us go, you'll become angry and use your magic. Yeah, I'll get right on that. (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) It's not working!

Peter, it's 7:00 in the morning! Thanks for the update, Big Ben!

It's all of yours!

Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead. Take them down! Yes, sir.

Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen. Butt out, schlomo. All I need is your address. You can jot it down on the back of my gun. Well, You do have an honest face. Aw, Crap. I made a mistake. Do you have another gun?

Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney? I'm sorry, honey.

You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man? My whole life's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs! Yeah, I know. So what? Your dog is dating her!

Well, I guess if you can't earn your kids' respect, you can always buy it. (ALL LAUGHING) There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts? I'd say come again? And then I'd laugh because I said "come."

You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble. Is there any more to this message? Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

Seabiscuit! Seabiscuit! Would you mind talking to E!? I'm not Seabiscuit. I'm Penelope Cruz. And you're just lovely. Would you like a carrot? (MUNCHING) Good girl.

shave, maybe some cologne. The Chicks'll be all over you. Gee! Y-You really think so? Absolutely. You got any SPF-50?

"zero hour "9:00 a.M. "And i'm gonna be high "As A kite by then

My buddy's got the inside track on a basketball game.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (ALL LAUGHING)

- Peter. - Geez. And... Peter, hang on a sec. You're not contributing. I'm doing it. You're not adding information.

(CLEARS THROAT) "Brenda, the fact that you are being abused, "has affected my life in the following ways.

What happened? Did we crash? Yeah, we crashed. Wow. Still, you know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial,

The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist.

I assume that's the one you meant, even though it wasn't literally the last thing I said when you said, "What did you just say?" It's just that clearly it was the most unusual. Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay? Guilty

(WHIRRING)

I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected.

Oh, Ok--ok. No, i--I understand.

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people. You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to. This interview is over.

Oh, dear!

Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you!

And he'll get it. Through faith. That's right. We will heal him with the power of prayer. (STAMMERING) You can't just let them walk out of here! Oh, I think they'll be back. (JANGLING) Are those their keys? No, they're my keys.

And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet. I remember the sky was a majestic orange. (PHONE VIBRATING) The breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but, you know, not so warm that you'd break any kind of a sweat. Because let me tell you, it just ruins... Big gay phoque. Big gay phoque, yeah.

(RUMBLING) Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work.

LaDawn! All right, you all set, honey? LOIS: I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting. But it's for my little girl. Dad, how do you know Neil will show up? Don't worry, Meg. I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Just your father. I hope he doesn't wait and get your gift at the last minute again. My goodness! A human thumb. Where did you ever find this? It was on eBay. Oh, God! Call an ambulance!

you know, Lois, i'm--I'm really not comfortable talking about this a-melodically.

It's gonna rain!

Peter, did you just throw those women away? No. Maybe. Also in the news, some trouble at St. Phillips Church. That's right, Diane. A shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.

And that trip to the Eiffel Tower was just amazing. (PANTING) Are we almost at the top? Yeah, just a few more steps. Here we are. (HUFFS) Ah. The winds of Paris. Isn't that what they say? Ah! That breeze is gorgeous.

Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut!

(STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now?

I can't walk! Why the hell can't I walk? This isn't part of the act anymore! No, no, no, don't look. If you make eye contact, you'll have to help.

PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

Brian, may I speak with you? Oh, Cleveland. I didn't recognize you without my girlfriend wrapped around your waist. She and I are both to a point of great soreness, so we took a break. Listen, I just want to clear any bad feelings you may have about me and Carolyn.

BRIAN: Oh, come on! And the worst thing is that he's not even a douche. He's a nice guy. I like him. Oh, honey, that sounds awful. I know what will cheer you up. You want to scratch my pet rabbit, Steven,

Come on, Lois. I feel great dropping that kind of weight all at once. You Remember how good you felt after you had Chris? And they're off!

Looks like your fans are back, Mom. Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! No, I think this one's all yours. Go, girl! All right! One's an innie, and one's an outie.

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS)

(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called.

"Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay?

No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it.

And I said all those awful things to her! Pearl! Come on, Pearl! Don't do this! You should be happy! I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor!

'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, just go to sleep, all right?

Oh, Great, 'cause I could use some. no, no--No, don't! I--i just ran out.

if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

Oh, beautiful name. Let me take her from you. Well, go on, Quagmire. Give her the baby. I will. I just... Oh. Here.

(PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long--

I will be here when you get out. Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict! Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.

Oh, hey. Nora.

that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook! Get out. Today we're here to honor Joe Swanson for pulling my poor one-eyed cat, Bootsie, out of the old stove pipe of my grandmother's cabin. Joe Swanson won the Special People's Decathlon, and We'e here to honor him.

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks! Hey, how do you like that, Lois? We're gonna live!

Eric? Peter? Oh, My God, I haven't seen you since high school. Yeah! God, What are you doing these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm the green guy.

and maybe he just needed to move on. If I were you, I'd look for a new friend. A kindred spirit, like Judas found in Pontius Pilate.

even though he's not really the father. Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem? Doctor, thank goodness you're here. My wife is about to give birth. Oh, my God! What are you doing? This is a manger! Ma'am, you're lying in manure. You're about to give birth into cow crap.

so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."

Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going?

Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed! Marital concerns continue to bedevil me. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't planning on spending all night there. Look, how about if I take you to the park, huh? Come on! You like the park, right?

Nature's "D" student? Oh! Oh, This is marvelous! I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller. Hey, Chris, aren't you coming in? Uh, Can I swim with my shirt on? No. You can't swim with your shirt on.

Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!

Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches.

This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job. Dropped some pepperoni on there. You know what? That works. Sew it up.

Brother?

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar.

Minutemen, present arms! Load weapons! boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out! Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt!

ow!

(WOMEN CHUCKLING) (I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler.

Thank you very much. "She was grace in name and in essence. "To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light. "And, to me, also sorrow, "for circumstance had bound her to my best friend,

Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things. Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie.

It's just so hard to get over here without anybody finding out. Have you gotten all the letters and hair that I've sent? It's the only thing that's getting me by, Meg. Thank you. How'd your parole hearing go? Not good. Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years. Oh, Luke. I don't expect you to wait for me, Meg. No, I will, Luke. If it takes 10 years or 20 years,

but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers.

maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"! Oh, This is so exciting. Your father's first day as president. Good morning, First Family. Ooh, Lois, what's in this coffee? Isn't it wonderful? The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework.

No, no, Stewie, go away! Brian, don't be mean to him. Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. What did he say? Nothing. That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. Is that true? All right, yes, fine, it's true.

Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic.

(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute.

I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you. I think it's time for me to go. I'll send for my thingS.

Hi, Chris. How was school? Not good. I got suspended for saying bad words. For God's sake!

Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone. Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy. Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play?

Pretty exciting.

Hey, ugly. Excellent!

PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

Oh, hey, guys. Well, we got it all figured out. Turns out my name is Glenn Quagmire, and this is my dog. Hey, you guys! Hey, I found my house. Turns out my name's Joe Swanson, and I found this police uniform in my closet. Do you know what that means? I'm a stripper!

Please let it be a fart contest.

And I got you this bag of weed. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you. Gosh, thanks. Check you later, handsome guy. Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy.

Ahh! Hello, Peter. Nate Griffin! Oh, My God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man! Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't.

You know what? Maybe... Maybe everyone should sit down. (ALL WHEEZING) Okay, that's better. Welcome, everybody, to the...

(GASPING) What the hell is your problem? Me? What did I do?

Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

that was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie? (SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.

No. Well, then, I guess we're finished. Thanks, George. You want to say that one more time without the sarcasm? QUAGMIRE: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Glenn Quagmire. Uh... We are looking at about a four-and-a-half-hour flight time today. Uh... We got clear skies, good visibility.

It's what you two do that makes things worse. Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait!

Look at that, Brian. Cleveland is back living across the street. Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time. So what does that mean? Well, it suggests that time may not simply be flowing backwards, it may, in fact, be accelerating. Accelerating? Why would that be happening? I'm not sure.

Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that. I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past? I mean, you could make life better for yourself.

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

I stole $10 from Mom's purse! I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years. Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one. But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words. I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go.

Peter, I-- Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great.

Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature. You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right. Welcome to me family, Peter. Did you hear that, Brian? I'm a McFinnegan now. I can forget all about Francis. You know, there's something you should always remember, Peter. Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own.

The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir. Here's your new digs. Now, get to work, sport. We're counting on you.

(TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING)

I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that?

MAN: Oh, I can part the Red Sea. You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years?

Welcome, citizens. Today we commemorate those brave Quahog soldiers who perished in the recent Gulf conflict.

Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

Hey, Joe, what are you doing? I thought we were gonna go to The Clam and get wasted. Ugh. I can't. I'm on duty tonight. And Halloween's got to be the worst night of the year to be a cop.

Well, that might do it.

Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

ah, Isn't this exciting? Hey, Anyone got a light? Thanks.

(WHISTLING)

Boy, you are just gonna keep on talking with that poppy seed stuck in your teeth, aren't you? Anyway, what are you suggesting? We can follow him, see if he's really Carter. Okay, but I got to be home by 7:00.

All right, on the count of three.

Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap. I hope my son is having a better time with your family. (SCREAMING) Poachers!

Help me! Freshman. I got you, you freshman. I'm going to teach you the lesson that it is not okay to be a freshman.

What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no! oh, Joe, - oh, I am sorry, buddy. - it's ok. Are you ok? You all right? Look, It's ok. It's Ok, I'm fine. Oh, boy. Everybody's fine. Oh, That was scary.

CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

What the hell is all this? Oh, Brian, you're here. Good. Okay, let me give you the rundown. This is your work area. Please keep personal knickknacks tasteful. You get 25 minutes for lunch, and.... Enjoy it here. Welcome aboard.

Well, Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party outta your ass, you'll want to stand up. Dad My friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with her friends. Can I go? Oh, no. I won't fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother? Yes. Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.

(BOTH GASPING) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android! Of course. She's a product of Disney Imagineering.

Oh, sure. Women's boxing is a rapidly growing part of the field. You should consider your wife competing for a belt. Well, she did look like she knew what she was doing up there. Think about it. Here's my card. (CHUCKLES) What can I say? I really like watching her box. That means two things.

Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you. All right, Mr. Griffin. At this time we're going to inject you with what we believe we've isolated as the gay gene.

That's Allstate's stand. Thank God for these airbags. You okay back there? I'm okay, but the midget inside me's got a head concussion. No, no, no, no, no, no!

And My best friend is going to incredible lengths to ignore me. Brian, don't let him get to you. Peter, come out of that thing! He can't hear you, Lois. Besides, it's--it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father.

I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess. I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know.

(IN AFRO-AMERICAN ACCENT) What's going on, man? Oh, what's going on yourself? (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) - I almost drowned yesterday. Oh, man! It's wet out here. Oh, look at them.

And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore.

Lois, how the hell much longer is your dad gonna be hanging around here? He's starting to drive me crazy. (SIGHS) I know, Peter, but he's my father and I don't know what else to do. Well, I don't know how much more I can take. I can't even get any sleep with him here. Hey. Hey. (STAMMERING) What is it? I can't sleep. I'm scared of ghosts.

Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day. You gotta call Dad and get back together with...

MAN: Hey, kids of America. It's hand-painted wooden ball in a cup. Who needs constant electronic video stimulation when there's ball in a cup? Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years. Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again.

and the last few years of MaSH. When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh? Am I right? Who's with me? Huh?

(LAUGHS) What? Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay?

Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter. Well, well. Do you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm.

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50.

Hey, Kathy, guess what? I'm out. Under the table right now. I'm out.

Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING)

but we can show you what happened, thanks to this reenactment by the Quahog Opera Company. I love you, Nicole, but I must confess

And, in other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school, was killed last night when his motorcycle careened off Dead Man's Curve. Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene. But they decided it was best not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives.

I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir. Here's your new digs. Now, get to work, sport. We're counting on you. Wow. My own office. Well, I guess I better get busy.

NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.

(DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you! (EXCLAIMS) We got to get you to the hospital! You're hideous! Who did this to you? Where are my keys? Where's my keys? Where are my keys? Peter, what about Babs? Forget about yourself for a second, Carter.

Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous.

I think I'm gonna be sick. Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II. (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS)

Most of the time, the kids'll exercise out in the field. But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball. I love dodge ball! Heads up!

Yes, but I think the more important question that sometimes gets ignored is what about the separation of church and state? Well, Bill, see, I think...

A soup kitchen, Dad?

Everybody makes mistakes. Even doctors. (CHARGING) You forgot to say... I forgot to say "clear." Ah, finally, back to my old life.

"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. "I don't buy your product with broken quarters,

but then they're always like, "Hey, so what're we doing? What's next?" Hey, Joe, can't you just arrest the guy? I can't arrest Jeff unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police. She won't go to the police. She's afraid of what Jeff will do. And to be honest, I don't blame her. I mean, what happens if one of these nights, he hits her so hard, he kills her? Sorry, Quagmire.

Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. (SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.

You know, I have to admit, I've always been a little worried about Chris,

Um... You know something, Brian? Yeah? I'm starting to think maybe we bit off a little more than we could chew. Yeah. Well, we're in it, and we're gonna finish the job. Should we get started on the upper level? No.

Thanks, son. 37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do?

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh.

Stop the presses! It's Meg! I'm just joshing. It's all done on Xerox. What can I do you? Look, Neil, I need an activity to get into Brown.

Besides, he's the one who won the medal. Yeah, I guess. Coming to A.B.C., the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this? Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson. Once a man at his physical peak brought down by a cruel twist of fate.

Brian, meet George W. Bush. Hey, Georgie! Uncle Rush! Hey! Ooh, you are getting heavy. I know. I'm 64 and three-quarters. You sure are, slugger.

Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin. Uh, I'd like to report a dangerous criminal who may be coming into town. I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I--

All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what. I'm gonna show you that, too.

(LAUGHING) (CRYING)

Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

(YAWNS) Been a long day, Lois. Long day. Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed! Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He is a graceful, majestic creature who is a part of this family and only wants your love and respect. The horse may have pooped in the bed.

It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own. I like the swimming pool with a bar in it, 'cause you can sit on a barstool and you're in the water. I like how all the food and drink is included in the price of the ticket. Yeah, that way you don't have to bring your cash down from the room. Okay, I was just looking for a friend of mine, so maybe I'll see you later.

Man, getting rid of the government has been the best thing to happen around here in a long time. That's right. Without government, I'm free to take a lot of mescaline and drive to Vegas. Wait till you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.

HERBERT: Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. My sister Regina-D2 lives here. Is she single? She's a lez-bot.

Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

Oh, This is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex.

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize somebody was in here... What the hell? Oh, hello, Brian. Oh, there's your friend, Brian. Hey, Brian. I sure did enjoy talking to you the other day. I'm just making sure Stewie is nice and clean for his trip to the playground this afternoon. We had a little bit of a problem earlier because Bitch Stewie was stooling in the tub, wasn't he?

You know, the anus has the second-highest density of nerve endings in the body.

So what do you say, guys? Should we take this party to Denny's and hang out with the cast of the high school play? No. I think I'm just gonna go home. All right. You okay to drive? Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll crank the heat, roll up the windows and blast the Lullaby Channel. I'll be fine. All right, take it easy. All right, you, too. Get out of here. Hey! Like your jeans.

What? What do you mean, what? You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke. No, I didn't. And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk? Just stay away from my booze! It wasn't me, Brian. Well, if it wasn't you, who was it? I mean, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around here lately. Just yesterday, somebody gave Peter a "hot-butt." La, la, la, la, la.

Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad.

You know, huh? Enjoy the fight. Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha! Hmm.

and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

I missed you.

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

they broke the law. My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight." I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister.

There it is again! TIPPER: It's probably just wind, honey. It's not the wind!

So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse.

Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay. If you want to teach us a lesson... Yeah, that's even better. All right, if that's what you... Wait a minute!

53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch. I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with that? You need to fix the place up. Reinvent The Clam's image and we'll help you. That'll take forever. Not if we do a 1980s fixing-stuff-up montage.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him that night. Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way.

We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat.

Dad, watch out! aah!

He-hee. Yeah! Look, you--you guys got it all wrong. I--i--i... I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God. I need help! Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is.

Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank. Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further. That's more like it. Tell me, what are the tank's safety features? What a good-looking question. Three inches of reinforced steel protects your daughter from short-range missile attacks. I see, and does the sedan protect against missiles? It does not.

What's Mom doing? I'll tell you what she's doing. She's screwing up my 6-2 quinella. Damn it! My Nose in front, followed by Sea Biscuit, followed by Some Crazy Lady, followed by Middle-Aged Housewife, followed by Wait a minute, Who's That?, followed by Silver Dasher. And now it appears there's a woman chasing the dogs.

I'm a very open-minded person, and I've never had any problem with gays before, but something about two gay people getting married, I just don't think it's right. Well, these questions are too big to be decided by human beings. Which is why God made this film. (PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

No. Because he was quartered on the port side. (CHUCKLES) Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of The D'Oyly Carte Opera Company. (SIGHS)

Attention, everyone, this is a twist tie. It comes with every loaf of bread. When we are done selecting our piece of bread, we use the tie to preserve... Oh, my God! (CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING) Who is that angel?

Cocktail!

I've had enough. Hey, Stewie, they got... Stewie? Oh, my God, he's gone. Has anyone seen my son? Hello? Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how! That's good old-fashioned family racism.

I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo. Are you sure you want to delete this program? Yes. Bring me my mid-season replacement fool!

(SIGHS) Why am I doing this?

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

while General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the squadron to destroy the Death Star. I didn't actually volunteer. Everybody clear? Am I the only one with a gold star on their uniform? It's just for record-keeping. Okay! Let's go for it, people! Hey, is there anything I can do to help? Luke!

Thanks, Mom. Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.

Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor? Well, now you can. With Jeez-Its. Flesh of his flesh. With the amazing flavor of real Wisconsin cheddar. Jeez-Its, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good." But don't take my word for it.

G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno? She totally betrayed me! I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other. Ha! Slut!

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)

Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here?

That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn, and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers. Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug. Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front!

Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something. PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh! What a very interesting thing. Brian, can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this Abercrombie & Fitch catalog? What do you want to order? Oh, wait, let me guess. Him. (LAUGHING) He got you, Stewie!

Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know. Do you believe in your best judgment that you have been rehabilitated? Rehabilitated? It's just a stupid made-up word so boys like you can sit behind a desk, wear a fancy suit, and feel important.

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "I've grown accustomed to her face

Well, I guess we're never gonna find the source of that joke. I guess there's nothing to do now but head back home. Stop right where you are! (ALL GASP) Down on the ground! PETER: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over.

Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter? You smell that? He's passed out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity?

So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too? Do you Have the moral authority to lead? Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign. And There's the President, First Lady Lois. Now boarding the helicopter.

Let's see. 4 and a half kilos uncut Nicaraguan. Uh, $1.7 mill, that area? Uh, Yeah. That's--that's-- That's right. You guys! Brian's famous! You're a hero! Way to go, pal! Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow.

PETER: Oh, my God, Angela. That was... That was... That felt so good. ANGELA: All I want to do is please you, Griffin.

Brian, do something! (EXPLODING)

I hate being all strokey. This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head. - Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet.

Dave... Al... Jeff... Ilium... Tonio? Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio hasn't worked here for four years.

I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God. I need help! Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie. Nothing? W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah."

Hey, you know what might be fun? How about we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies? Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky. I said a bad movie, not an abortion.

(STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS) No!

All right. Let's take a break. Your back's getting all sweaty.

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast. Oh, wonderful! Wonderful! Yeah, I'd forgotten how great it is interacting with other people.

(SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No. And I'm sorry, but nobody can ever know that. (CRACKS)

(GRUNTING) Stay away from my dog. Very well, Stewie, I shall. But just one thing. What?

I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels

What a very interesting thing.

Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy. Yes. You, too. And if you see Arnie, tell him: He'll know what it means.

I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet. (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson. Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working? So, I see you're in a band. Yep!

Joe, my feet are starting to swell. You two go home. I can stay here as long as it takes. You'd be amazed how little you have to eat when your legs don't work. There's only one way to settle this. Russian RouletTe. 3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No--no--No. Wait a minute, this is crazy. You first.

Hello, Alaska! Adam! Carol?

Hey, look! Somebody tried to break into the dirty-movie store. BOY: Quick! Grab as many as you can before someone sees us.

Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here.

OH, Do you mind? Mind? Of course she wouldn't mind. It would be an honor. No, no, no, No. it would be a privilege. I-- Oh, dear. Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl.

Oh, my God! Specimen Z isn't Carter's body. What is it? Specimen Z is a cure for cancer. Carter didn't die. He cured himself. Hold it right there.

Excuse me. I was just looking you over, and I had a question. Are those highlights in your hair or potato chips? - Highlights! - Okay. Hey, will you sign this form that says I hit on you? Sassy! You've got me sweating above and below my ass. Let's go, lover.

To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox. I recommend a trial separation, during which time I advise that you date other people. I believe This will help you gather perspective on your marriage. Date other people? Oh, my God!

Here, hold the rest of these bags for Mommy. Oh, What brilliant parenting, Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I might asphyxiate myself, just to teach you a lesson. Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois,

For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up, what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner... Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh?

You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you.

Oh. Didn't know that. Ooh! Ooh! This next one's my favorite. It's about the Pan Am flight from Lockerbie. It's raining luggage and babies and limbs and Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child. Hey, did you read this?

A woman has 2 children. now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? That's--That's not a riddle. That's... That's just terrible!

I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS. We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock

Oh, well, never mind, then.

Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words.

This is high school all over again. Well, I'll show them! I'll show all of them! Oh, my God, that hurts! Oh, no, You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that anklE. This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

So come and get some, punks. An increase in crime? That can't be right. I haven't noticed anything like that. You're in the house 14 hours a day. What would you notice? Well, I hate to admit it, Lois, but over the last couple of years, this town has changed a lot, and not necessarily for the better. Yeah, I mean, the other day, I left a doodie right in the middle of a Crate and Barrel.

Your farts, I like farts, if you've got heart Oh, I've got heart Let's hear those farts How do I start? Well, Peter, I will help you Get your fartin' started (BLOWING RHYTHMIC RASPBERRIES) (BOTH LAUGH)

Well, I'm enjoying you, too, Jerome. Welcome to the clan. I mean, I'm glad we got to hang. I mean, you're a good negro. - No, I... - Relax, man. I like you, too. Okay, yeah, that's all I was trying to... Yeah, good evening.

She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

I say, I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got $5,000 for that painting you made me! But i--I painted that just for you. Aw, Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it. And Now we all get a free trip to New York 'cause Mr. Monatti thinks you could be a famous artist. Monatti? Antonio Monatti? You've heard of this man?

WEll, fraSier, You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa. Huh. This is the smartest show on T.V.

HAN: Who are you looking for? Captain Solo, there you are! I'm sorry, I didn't copy that. Who are you looking for?

Adzin, look! (GASPS) It can't be. No! We'll never defeat The Corporation!

Hey, how do you like that, Lois? We're gonna live! Peter, what did you mean by what you said? You hate being around the kids? Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad?

(RINGING) - Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING)

All right, Let's just get through this. Fine with me. Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick.

Freak. So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple.

Excellent, excellent! Hello. oh, We're not Jewish. But I hear you people have such lovely services.

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse. Look.

It's your turn, Death. YEAH, I know I should find this ironic, but really, I'm just bored as hell. Hey, How old is this T.V.? You can probably get the DuMont Network on this thing. YOu know, Peter is a good man and a wonderful father. Here it comes.

an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge, but one thing we won't need is this. That's right, I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one. There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure.

(CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

Hey, Stewie, wanna go down the slide? STEWIE: Um... What's the matter? You never been down the slide before? (STEWIE SCOFFING) Yeah, like, a thousand times. Just done it so much, I'm bored with it, that's all.

Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no!

Some days I think it was easier being Q-Bert's roommate. (SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.

Give me a spin, sweetie. What do you think, Mom? Is that the most beautiful bride you've ever seen? I love it! Oh, it's just so much money. It's true. It's true. Take the dress off, sweetheart. Your mother says you can't have it. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Do you really love it? I do. It just feels like my wedding dress.

(GASPS) Dad, there's a window here! Oh, my God, maybe we can get outside. No, it's too small. Wait, Dad, look. There's Meg walking down the street.

You know, Luke, this may be the last time we see each other.

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

Now, I don't want to hear any more excuses from anyone. Oh, Crap! We did it again! Ruth Bader Ginsburg! Ooh.

(SIGHS) Maybe you're right. What the hell. I mean, what other choice do I have at this point? Everybody knows now anyway. Great. Trust me. Nobody's gonna give you a hard time. And even if they do, just ignore them. That's what I do with that weekend bully. Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing?

I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth. You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. You really oughta think of your family's welfare. Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea! Ok, do you have any disabilities,

Oh, Peter. I think it's a wonderful idea. Why haven't you sent for help? I can't believe you guys want to have another kid! Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock.

Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay? (GROANING) If one more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream. What time is it? Peter, what are you doing? Get back in bed. I can't, Lois. I got the bowling tournament this afternoon. Quagmire and Joe are counting on me.

(TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery. I don't get it, John. How's a pig gonna help us lure the mummy? Rush, I've never known a Democrat to pass up pork.

Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

(SNARLING)

(SIGHING) Ring, ring. Aren't you gonna pick it up? No, I'm not gonna pick it up on the first few rings. I'm busy. Maybe I'm in the other room. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. - Ring. Oh, come on. - Hello.

(GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today. All right, I'll see you later.

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines.

Oh, hang on, I got to go pee. That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a... Oh, I got to take a leak. There we go. Oh, pee time. Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.

OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot. Shut up! Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, ok? Meg, Will you relax? None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you, all right? Jeez, I gotta get gas.

Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch.

Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight? My Puerto Rican wife got fat. Well, I got to be honest, Lois, I had my doubts, but you really held your own in that ring. Thanks, Brian. It was nice to go out a champion. Well, we're real proud of you, Lois.

Look, Death, you made a mistake. I'm not really supposed to be deaD. OH, I made a mistake, huh? Then What do you call thIS? Peter, is that your handwriting? How did you get that? IT was e-mailed to me by your H.M.O. Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says!

He can teach you many things about our faith, including how to ululate. What's that? It's this... (ULULATES) Oh, my God. That's terrifying. I don't know if I'm ready for that. No, Peter, it's okay. Just sing the beginning of La Bamba, - but don't say the La Bamba part. - Oh, okay. - (ULULATES) - Yes, good job. You're doing it. Bamba! Ooh, so close.

(SIGHS) Uh... Lois. You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing? I'm handing you a beer. You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here!

and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses. Well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Damn it! Wow. He poops every time he hears that joke. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. He does, doesn't he?

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home.

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget.

But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming. CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment,

It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky And they'll tell you real sweet With a musical tweet

Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here. Well, no offense to you, Meg, but you're a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

I don't know, Brian. I mean, I guess I can give it a shot.

Every night! Don't shake my hand. You ain't got no hand! You a little truck.

(ALL GASPING) I respect Brian's courage. It's not easy to stand alone, or find the child who stands alone, but that's the one you want. I'd like to change my vote.

Our top story. The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.

MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy.

Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living? Hey, I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here? What the heck happened to that trophy anyway?

"And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said,

My God, I'd better see a doctor. But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit. Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Peter, Listen, the bank's taking all our stuff. And according to this if you don't pay them within 48 hours, they get the house, too.

See, Lois? I told you we had allies.

(GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist?

A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks. Oh, I beg to differ.

(VELCRO RIPS) Hey, why do you have a Harvard dining hall I.D.? I pulled over some punk Harvard kid who gave me a bunch of lip, so I took his I.D. Man, I bet they got fancy food up there at Harvard.

You know what? We got to prove it to them. Listen, I'm gonna go into that supermarket and get some water, and you're gonna turn it into wine. Okay, cool. Hey, can you get me a Cracked Magazine? - Cracked? - Yeah.

Everybody hurts Two, three...

Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne? I don't know, sir. Hey, we have almost the same voice. Excuse me, I'm the prison doctor. I'm here for Andy's check-up. Andy Dufresne? Yeah, Andy Dufresne. We can't find him. Well, that's no good. All right, you two are gonna have to leave. I want him found now. Not after breakfast, not after CSI, now.

Hi, Stewie. Hi, um, Ah... Ugh. Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh!

You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.

It didn't work. He still hates me. Do you want to know something? That's okay. You don't need Quagmire to like you. You only need one person to like you, and that person is you. And I'll tell you something else. I like you. Thanks.

Chicken? You take that back! Yeah? Make mE! I don't make monkeys, I train them. Ugh. Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard! What the hell is going on out herE?

(TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

Wow! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're so cool! You're so awesome!

And all we've got to remember him by are his old legs. (GROWLING) Okay, okay.

Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip.

Who are all these people? Damn New Yorkers! They took all the good seats. Aren't you preciouS? ahh! Oh!

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

(PLANE ENGINES WHIRRING)

Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally. (BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe. All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us.

Hey, are you Tanya? Yeah. Who are you? A guy who's looking for Bobby Briggs. Where is he? I don't know any Bobby Briggs. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. You're lying! Joe, let me handle this. I know how to communicate with strippers. All I need is one dance, and I'll know everything she knows.

Not for long. Can I help you, sir? Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin. I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball game... Doctor's appointment. Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God!

Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite. He's insecure. And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest.

How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V.

Joe, it's Peter! He's in trouble! A failed robbery at quahog Bank and Trust has led to a terrifying hostage situation. That's right. A hostage situation. I gotta go. I know.

Gross!

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Can't touch me Except for you. You can touch me.

I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm!

When are you gonna get rid of that stump? I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right? Just get off my back!

Hey, Look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying!

Unlimited free gas for a year? Just 'cause I threatened to sue you? Well, that, and you're not the worst-looking guy who's ever come in here. That's what I wanted to hear. Wow, Peter, a free gas card. This could save us a lot of money.

Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!

(SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened.

Hi, fellas. Hey, look, it's Snoopy. Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock? Ah, that's... That's a good one. Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby, and you guys took his candy earlier. What do you say you just give it back, and we all forget this ever happened?

Change it to Fox News! It's time for Rhonda Latimer. (SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) Again, Peter? You have a wife, you know. Lois, if it makes you feel any better, I'm thinking about her every time I masturbate to her. And we also want to remind you that Fox News switches to high definition starting Monday. Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great.

Hang on. Hang on. Before we do anything, I'd like to say a blessing over the candles, if I may. Bear with me. I haven't had much rehearsal time. (CLEARING THROAT) (PRAYING IN HEBREW)

Erased! Yeah, no, I got the metaphor, but, Bertram, if you erase me, you'll destroy the universe! What are you talking about? Listen to him, Bertram! It's true! Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad.

Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)

You don't have to be a dick about it. Oh, please! Make the voices stop! DREYFUSS: And then there was Quag Chambers. He was the leader of our gang. He had sex when he was five and committed his first rape when he was 10, rape, of course, being legal in the '50s. (LAUGHS) Beat those cards, fellas. Giggity Giggity '50s Giggity.

Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.

Fine.

You know, Stewie, I'm really glad I gave you another chance. You're a really special guy. I know. No, no, I'm kidding. I'm not really that self-centered. But, you know, Olivia, I can't think of any place I'd rather be than right here, right now with you. Oh, look at this guy. Now, there's someone who cuts his own hair.

Fine, then you call my cousin Terry and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital. Well, Jeff, he is my brother. Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school?

Ah, It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him!

Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about... Someone should have come tonight, but they didn't. Ah, it's nothing. That's good. Hey, Officer Swanson? Yeah? You know how they say never meet your heroes? Well, they don't say anything about kissing them. Whoa! Jeez, every cop in town is here.

I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate. Well, don't look at me. I lost my license, thanks to you. Look, I know what I did was wrong, but you're the only one I can turn to. So, I'm asking you, as a man with no more options, will you take a look in my ass? (SIGHS) Despite everything that's happened,

Thanks, Tom. I'm fond of your hair, as well. I'm standing here with Tom Brady and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin. Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete! What do you think of that? (LAUGHING) We're really excited to have Peter.

Everybody, look at the snow in the yard And who could forget... I bought these gifts for you They're up in my bum And everyone's favorite...

(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort! Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation. I am very angry with you. Geez, what's your problem?

Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

Will you please just listen to me for once? That man is bad news! I want him out of our house and out of our lives! All right. Look, I'll just give you A little something to help you relax. Now! Ok. Uh, Big Fat Paulie, there's something I gotta tell you. um...

Diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly, digGly, diggly.

Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.

Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What?

Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes? We don't need guns! We need food and water! I have a canker sore on my lip!

Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll!

(LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter! I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny. That is funny. And you know what I appreciate about your joke, Peter? It's clean. It's clean funny! I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are. Show them that we know comedy better than they do.

Where's the don? The don? I don't know what you're talking about. Aw, Come on. The don, the captain of the mafia. Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia. "The don's daughter is getting married tomorrow. "Here's my invitation. "Now get the asterisk- percent-ampersand out of here, you SOB."

You leave her to me. Come on, honey. He's been having accidents. Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready. This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond. Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!

and we all forget this ever happened? Sure, why not? Your friend's candy is right around the corner. All right. Terrific. (THUMPING) BRIAN: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS)

You know, Peter, I know Lois is downplaying it,

I was in first grade.

And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up.

That's incredible!

Oh! There's Happy Hill! Ugh! What the deuce?

No, you the cow!

Why is there no hole in this wall?

Hey, you guys. I bet you Lois Griffin doesn't make the track team, which is an important thing in high school right now. Yeah, everyone who's anyone is running track at our high school right now. Yeah, and I bet she also doesn't live on the south side of town, which is suddenly important. (ALL LAUGHING)

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah!

I've been barking up that tree for 17 years. Wow, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by. You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

My job sucks. I'm tired ofalways scrounging around on the bottom rung of society... getting kicked around by the Man. Like when I worked in that lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Agreed, Peter.

I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go! Or what? Or... I don't know, man, but you're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean. Or else... Or I would stop you. For God sakes, help! Do something!

Rock, yeah. Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit.

Such language in the presence of a lady. If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS) Carter, get out of here this instant! I don't ever want to see you again. Pussycup, please.

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this. Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast?

Your Honor, I am so sorry for stealing all that stuff. I just couldn't control myself. Well, Mrs. Griffin, considering this is your first offense, I've decided to go lenient and... Where the hell is my gavel? Give me that. I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus.

Wait a minute. So you guys can't have a baby? Unfortunately, no. Well, whose fault is it? I mean, which one of you has the thing that's horribly wrong with them? Is it you, Naomi? You got a bum cervix? Peter! It's nobody's fault. Conception is complicated.

Oh, no! Both the pilots are unconscious, and we are in a nose-dive. If only there was someone on board who could save us. I said, if only there was someone on board who could save us.

I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

maybe I say I smell alcohol on your breath. You can't do that! Sounds like Lois Griffin can count on your vote. Hi, when you go to vote for Mayor tomorrow, please vote for Lois Griffin. That's right. I work at a deli, and I know baloney. And that's exactly what you'll get with Mayor Adam West.

Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the sunshine? Are you ready for... (ALL CHEERING) You dirty... (LAUGHING) This is gonna be the best summer ever.

Of course, Lois. I'm sure if we can just get them in the same room together, I can convince them to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do.

Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world. They do? Yeah, they're unbelievable. The girls up in Canada are gorgeous. And they all play ice hockey, so they lose their teeth by age 10. Wow.

Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement.

That's not how it is, Stewie.

Brian, there you are. Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago. Oh, yeah, he... He's... He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago. What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! (GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie!

Look, he's got a landline we can use!

For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store. (ALL LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMS) Terrible pharmacy toys. We'll see to it that no child ever receives these as a last-minute gift hastily bought on the way to the party.

Mrs. Canner? Are you coming? Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag.

All right, one, two, three, go! Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt.

Statue? For what? What do you think, Mr. National Hero? For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country. Oh, you! I can't even express how mad I am at you right now. If it wasn't for you, those planes would've hit the World Trade Center. Brian, what the hell did you do?

It's a wonderful day for pie And it smells a lot better than I Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse The bees making honey

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay. Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

because they were always mentally undressing her and then re-dressing her once they saw the horrible mess underneath. But in that interval, she robbed them blind. (SOBBING) Well, look, I don't know, maybe there's something we can do to help you drum up some business. You know, get the word out. Like what?

(STAMMERING) Crap! Just a sec. Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests. I need some urine. You mean right now? Yes, right now. Here's some magazines to get you going. Uh, how's that gonna... Oh, sorry. It's been awhile.

Well, did you guys learn your lesson about eating uncooked antelope? (GRUNTING) (HISSING)

Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU. Now, I think we should go down there to support him. What? Yeah, apparently, something happened at the mall, and she took a turn for the worse. They don't know how much time she has left. Quagmire just called. He's really upset. It doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason,

Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time. Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said. Far be it from me to call you a liar. Huh? Nothing. Nothing. See you next week. Mom, how come all your students suck?

It's an important part of my life. Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn. But, Father, I didn't mean... Wait. Did you say "a porn"? - Yes. - Oh. - Well, that's kind of weird. - Why? Well, I mean, you'd either say, "You made porn," or "You made a porno." You don't say, "Made a porn." It just... It hits the ear wrong.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person?

- Shut the smurf up! - Yeah!

- Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what?

Lois, come on, what are you doing? I can't do it, Peter. What are you talkin' about? Look at us. We're runnin' through a sewer, and it's because of me. Look, honey, it was very sweet of you to break me out of jail but I did somethin' wrong. And I'm the one who should pay, not my whole family.

Honey, are you pregnant?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I'm on a highway to hell Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell Highway to hell You are banished from our community at once!

Hey, Jim, come out in the yard, will you? Sure thing, Vern. (GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian! Don't ask me how he did it, but Jim Varney got the shotgun! Run for your life! What? Run!

(TIRES SCREECHING) You know, Peter, it's sort of adding insult to injury raiding Quagmire's fridge for beer after you killed his cat.

I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

Boy, this is pretty embarrassing!

at all BravO! Brian, that was beautiful! Thank you! No, no, No, thank you.

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine.

Peter, You can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game.

Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

(MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

Oh, Carter! You're back!

But the golden years soon ended. Sadly, "Black-Eye" Griffin's voice just wasn't right for the talking pictures.

but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this. Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good?

Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I...

So I need some of your urine, so I can... Uh, you don't have to be naked for this. But I don't have to not be naked for it, either. Aha! Come on, Stewie. Hurry up and pee. Joe's waiting for me. Brian, you know I can't go unless you stare at it. Brian, what the hell?

He's back. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. Steve, do something. Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle. Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs.

Can you hand me the radio? Thanks. Hi, this is car... What number are we? Five-five. Car 55. We're in a sub. Oh, my God! It's England!

Peter, the horse is here. Oh! Yeah. It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that. Why doesn't it do something?

Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know.

Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99.

The Fed is gonna be lowering rates, get your money out of T-bills and put it all into...waffles! Tasty waffles with lots of syrup!

Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot!

Lois, you have a gray hair. What? Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter.

Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET.

I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley... and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.

(CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college.

Well, how about you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other.

Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

(GROWLS) (ROARING) And that's why they were such vicious killers. He couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short

Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!

AH, That feels good. You know, Actually, kid, I just kind of fell into this gig. You know, I really wanted to be a wood nymph.

Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey.

- What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! (STEWIE SCREAMING) Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party. Okay, okay, ready? Here goes. I'm a female. I have a high voice.

What am I, on trial here? Maybe you should just eat something, Peter. Go on, put some food in your mouth. Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God! Peter, are you feeling all right? Oh, he's fine. You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea. He eats with porpoise. (LAUGHS) Oh.

Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill. Haven't you guys learned anything? T.V. took over my life once. I'm never gonna let that happen again. Oh, My God. We've lost him.

I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

Reach for the sky, dirtbag!

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

It's dead.

Dying hurts. Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flyin'?

All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower. Now I'm going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool. Now, no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into, or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose, I want you to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and float towards the pie.

Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father. We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do. There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.

And, by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.

Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair. Look, Lois, it's in the Bible. What's in the Bible? I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes.

He 's a family guy There's Craig Hoffman. He's such a rebel. Oh, my God, he is so gorgeous. And he plays by no one's rules but his own. Meg, you should ask him out.

Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

"Peter up on a telephone pole"? Check. "Peter cutting the wires to the alarm"? Check. "Sexy Peter distracting the guards"? Check. (MIMICKING WOMAN) Hello, boys. Come up and have sex with me some time.

I notice your kid is having some trouble. You're telling me. Oh, your kid just needs a little help. I got something that'll get him going. Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy!

Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76. Let's burn this chick at the stake. I love steak! Other girls don't. I'm actually more like a dude. Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in.

ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

Old man? What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard?

They call this the magic hour. The day's not quite gone, but the night's not quite here, and somewhere, Scott baio is plowing A woman he doesn't love. I got one, Dad! Heh. Looks like that's the one that got away. The hell it is! You get in there,

Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I want to see my dad. Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian. All you have to do is paint.

There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for. (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it.

Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Hi, Lois. (GASPS) Hello, O.J. Anything I can do to help make dinner? Sure. You can take the lasagna out of the oven. You got it. Wouldn't you know it, it won't fit. Well, it's all right. How hot can it be?

Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see. DOCTOR: How about now? PETER: No, nothing.

You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.

Only fat women are fat.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

It all began innocently enough, with my stupid wife showing me some dumbass brochure. So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. You and I will have one cabin, and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two. Oh, this is going to be so much fun! Hi, Chris. How was school?

Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.

Come on! Into the storm cellar! MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking. CHRIS: Wait, I think I found the lights.

(EXCLAIMS) This idiot will fit in with our family as badly as Peter fit in with The Proclaimers. But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door

Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want? I just want to talk to you about everything that happened. Um... You know, you were the only person who believed in me when I was down. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was. I mean, you know, sure, you were in a little over your head, but...

Let's go! Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson. Seems he left something very valuable in his room and we're here to retrieve it. Mr. Gibson just checked out a moment ago. Uh, There he goes now. Oh--oh, Lois, run! Hey, stop!

You are a team of executives I can trust. Brian, Quagmire, Mort, you are gonna be my creative team. You are gonna help me lead this company into the future. Peter, we don't know anything more than you do about running a company. Hey, where's Joe? I think he's still outside.

Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter. And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown! Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault. Yeah, besides, Peter, those companies have huge legal divisions.

You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot!

No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now? Look, my ears are ringing, my foot arches are hurting, and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes. Peter, you sound like an old fart.

"Would you like to wear knickers? "I would, because I'M WiN--"

When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants! All right! Virtual reality! Whoa-ho-ho! You guys gotta try this! Hey, Look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh!

Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin.

(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home. Oh, you're just in time.

It's him!

Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this?

How was school? Horrible. There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my backup guy had plans. Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. (STAMMERING) Oh, I... Hang on.

Because we wear the same size onesie.

You can't dance You can't sing No, you pretty much can't do a thing Never fear, Daddy's here Honey, you're gonna make our name famous

You know, kids, there's a lot of history here. These '50s diners were very popular in the '80s. Boy, am I going to enjoy this meal.

That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie.

I know you did, Father. PETER: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! (SIGHS) Son, it is your life to live. I must accept the life you choose. I choose to stay here. What? What?

And you just bitched yourself out of a bite. All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right. - Can you give me a caramel one? - No. You can have... Um... Um... You can have... Um... You can have strawberry yogurt. I don't like strawberry yogurt.

No, that seemed lame. You know, the other you was a lot more fun.

Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming.

Someone like me wouldn't change it for anything in the world either. I'm glad. Ok, j-Just to be clear, we were talking about me being in love with you, and you rejecting me, right? Yes. I was just making sure.

but we think maybe this is where you belong and where you'll be happy. This is barely even a forest. I can see an Arby's through the trees. You're free, Peter. Whatever adventures lie ahead of you, know that my heart will always be with you.

Yeah. Shh. Shut up. You guys, shut up.

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class. I don't really want to be friends with him, but he knows a lot of chicks. And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE) Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs!

Yeah! Choke on that, nerds. Eli, I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable, but I don't think running away is the answer. I know, Mrs. Griffin. And I am sorry. But I just could not bear the thought of never seeing Meg again.

Whose pickle is this? This just in. The body of a local fat man was found murdered in Quahog Park last night. Police released this sketch of the suspect. Oh, my God! Police also released this sketch of a female accomplice believed to be his wife.

Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry! I think we just have to face it, Peter.

Adorable.

Uh, Damn it! Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there? It's about damn time!

And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris. Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed? Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection. (LAUGHING)

Oh! Holy crap! This is hot! Oh! Oh!

It's a Coleco football game. Pretty mind-blowing, huh? You know what? This is garbage to us. (CLATTERING) What the hell is that? Holy crap! Who did this? It must have been my father.

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster.

Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

He made her watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python stuff that isn't funny or memorable. MAN ON TV: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town, and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing." I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches.

Oh, Good, the girls are in place.

Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while. What? What? Wow, Mom, is that a new purse? Yeah, that looks pretty expensive. Well, don't tell anybody, Brian, but I was a little naughty. (CHUCKLING) I may have dipped into the tax surplus.

Peter, could you move your arm, please? Just slide over. Please. Lois. LOIS. God, It's like moving a futon. LOIS! Just slide your leg over! Peter, pleaSE! Ohh! Ohh! Well, Lois,

Nice.

I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face. All right. Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition. Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man, that was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie? (SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about.

Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang. Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.

Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot left foot, right foot

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil!

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you...

Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2...

Hey, kid. Catch. Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.

Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Mrs. Griffin.

And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus.

Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag. I can't say no to you, honey. What are they, like, $10? More like $1,100. You wish I loved you that much!

That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.

I told you I could mold your son into a champion. This is gonna be my greatest victory ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin.

Is it on the machine? I erased it. All right, out back. No, Ma. Yeller's my dog. I'll do it. Aw, Come on! He'll call back! Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok?

You're listening to the radio. Sir, I'm very sorry. That was this guy I know. He thinks he's hilarious. He is hilarious. I was on my way in here to cancel your show, but the banter you did with that guy... Well, as we say in the radio business, "If you put that on the radio, people will listen to it."

You bitch!

Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. It's okay, Daddy. I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. (COUGHING)

Peter, It's bad enough to lie to your family but how can you let these people think you're a healer? This is pure exploitation. No, it's not. Those films my cousin Rufus used to do were pure exploitatioN. From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer,

Meg? Chris? Brian? They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want! (CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart." "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other, "fart both knew that,

Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball. God, he's like a totally different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

I gave it away. Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

Well, I guess sometimes you're just right for the part. Like James Earl Jones playing Darth Vader. So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go!

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart!

J.J. Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possibly understand. What do you got? I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town. Totally confused. Do it.

Lois pregnant? I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship. But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald. Hey, Mr. President! Mr. President, up here! I voted for you! Wait a minute. That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun. He's gonna shoot the President. Holy smokes, I've got to do something.

Okay, Mr. Cranky. One, two, three! There we go! You didn't need me. You did that yourself. Good for you. You need anything else? No, I'm fine, thank you. Okay, you guys have fun.

Hey, Come on, Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you. Oh, Let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... Ooh! big shock, a jack pops out. And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside. Surprise, honey! A trikie!

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, I hope you're sitting down. I got something to tell you. Oh, God, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Is it Chris? No, it's Peter, your husband. But I'm calling with big news. I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs. I did okay.

By God, I may not be able to give my family a vibrating sex doll. But at least I can give 'em a pool.

Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow.

- No, I... - Relax, man. I like you, too. Okay, yeah, that's all I was trying to... Yeah, good evening. Thanks for the lift home, Jerome. Hey, if you got time to come in, I'd love for you to meet my wife. I got time for whatever I want, fool. My watch don't tell time. I tell it.

One of these days, Alice. One of these days...

They are ants, Michael.

Ha, how do you like that? Have you guys ever seen Jim Henson's Labyrinth?

We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Well, that was a close call. You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer.

Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Oh, my God. Look at thIS. How could you bring a mobster into your own home?

Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die! God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports.

Well, here we are, Lois. Your first professional photo shoot. Karin, this is so exciting. Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going?

All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car.

Ok. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to make a concession or 2. Very good, Peter. First, I will return Joe's pool. Oh, You got that right! But, In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends. No!

Dad, how come you keep looking at the door? Oh, Meg. You and your drugs. Oh! I wonder who that could be. Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome.

Hang on to something, because this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh. I really like you, Sandy. I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE)

And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter. Now, are you going to help me get those Hannah Montana tickets? Stewie, you're not going to be able to get tickets.

Like Joan of Arc. Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn. Isn't that cool? No.

I am tired of playing games, Griffin. I mean, let's go. I have waited long enough. I'm having sex with you right now. No! I don't wanna! Griffin! You have sex with me or you're fired. Fine! Fire me! I'm through being harassed by you!

Excuse me, there's something on the wall. Now you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas and Fiji water! Stewie, there's no need to...

Yes, I understand your hectic schedule.

Who the fuck took these?

What? I would never work with David Spade!

(SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV) Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...

Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

MAN ON TV: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town, and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing." I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches. Don't worry, I got it under control, Lois.

(ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed.

Lois, get in here! Shh. Meg's boyfriend. But there's... There's nothing wrong with him. Mom, where's my... Shh. (GASPS) Quagmire, get over here. You gotta see this.

PETER: That went exactly as I wanted it to go. All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out. I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked. Here's your Mikes. What's next?

Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died.

How much time do we have before you're un-born? With the time acceleration, I'm not quite sure. But trust me, I can feel myself getting younger. All right. The machine has been repaired. Now all I've got to do is isolate the cause of the acceleration curve and see if I can duplicate the shock wave. What's the matter?

Francis, we were watching that.

We need to gather more information about this new planet. Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay here with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you. Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills. He won't respond to you. Oh, yeah?

And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you!

Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.

Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR.

STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here. What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING)

and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah.

Oh! Good lord! Don't look directly into it, Lois.

Look, I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing. It was a one-night thing. I have no interest in dating one of those shallow idiot celebrities who's only famous for being famous. I'm going over to let her down easy. Hey, tell her I like her work in Jake and the Fatman. No, wait. That was William Conrad. Tell her I like Jake and the Fatman. (DOORBELL RINGING)

The summer sun's calling my name So, do you really think you're suited to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington? Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes, but you're kind of a buzz kill. Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn.

Mr. Plow.

I'll go up and talk to her. Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg? You okay in there? (RUSTLING NOISE) Uh, yeah. Come on in. Everything all right? Yeah! Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. Listen. I feel like I should explain myself a little bit here.

What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building. This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have, my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down.

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

and a little more shut the hell up? You know, Just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.

I loved my work, and they loved me.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Laura! Laura! Laura!

Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING) - Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that? Let's get that out of there. Ew.

(PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they? Oh, look who's starting to get it. Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them.

Then put your hands together for the one, the only, His Holiness, the Pope! Hey, I just got a crazy idea! Aah! Why? Why? Why?

All right, I'll do it. What are you talking about? (EXHALES) I can't leave you like this. But you have to swear never to tell anybody. (GASPS) You mean, you're gonna eat my... Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear! Okay, how should we do it? I guess it's dealer's choice, really.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe. You don't seem very excited. I mean, this is a huge deal for me. The Chief is even throwing me a party tonight. I don't know if I can take another evening of sympathetic eye contact from all the other wives.

Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.