Okay, so, do you use my car,
or do you have, like, a special one you brought?
Umm, I'm the math tutor.
Really? No way!
So that means you're the...
Driver's ed instructor, yes.
Well, I'll be a son of a gun!
(CHUCKLES) All right, time to learn math from a black guy, I guess! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead?
Uh, This last one won't open.
Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit.
Like, uh, Like this?
Ah, Here, let me get it.
Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead. Will you promise me you'll do that?
I guess.
You guess or you will?
Yes, I'll hear you out.
Okay, well, I can't be in a soiled diaper until tomorrow, Brian,
we both know that.
I'll get a rash, which could lead to an infection if left like this.
All right, fine, I'll take the diaper off.
That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it? I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees!
No, serious! Stop! Stop!
- I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees!
- Stop!
All right, that's enough, that's enough.
Get 'em off.
Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive!
Yeah, all right, enough is enough.
Cleveland, open the hive.
All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. Hey, guys, guys, get this.
So Lois wants a part-time job, right?
So I'm like, "I got a job for you, baby,
right here."
See look, This zipper's been broken for over a month.
I gotta use a damn safety pin.
Hey, if Lois is looking for a thrill,
I could get her a job with the airline.
Stewardesses get to travel to all kinds of exotic places, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people,
so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show,
and they beat you to the punch.
I don't know about that, Chris.
I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, Hi, sweetheart!
Ok, so, you want the full wash and, uh,
oh, You've got a nick there. I can get that out for you.
Now, if you want to go with a scent,
I've got P.B. and J., Sugar Cereal, and New Toy. Damn!
(ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it!
All right, take it easy. Yeah, You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you?
Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new,
uh...
the new Val Kilmer picture,
but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner.
How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00?
Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot... All right, Joe, we're here.
All right, Peter, Quagmire, start the diversion.
Cleveland, find that door.
PETER: Check.
QUAGMIRE: Check.
Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this.
One, two, three, four. PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning. Right, and shoot Pat Tillman.
No, no, no, no!
Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again,
'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me,
and obviously, you're hearing something different,
so just one more time.
Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them.
All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman,
and then run when the Taliban show up. I'm gonna eat that foot.
(LAUGHING) Give me that foot, it looks delicious.
Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God.
Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious.
Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt.
Sit right there, honey.
Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you.
Oh, God. Thoughtful.
Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some. or should I go back the way I came?
I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37.
(EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page.
You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page.
Yeah, Peter, I seen it.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again.
You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,
Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Name five more. Tracy, Jean,
Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.
Go fuck yourself.
What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill,
but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark.
I'm right back where I started. Hey, Quagmire, you know you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes?
Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry. You want me to talk to him?
Well, no, actually, I want you to tell me the joke.
Yeah, tell us the joke.
You want to hear it? All right.
So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and...
(INAUDIBLE) Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage,
say hello, but don't drag your ass,
'cause I want to go the reptile house.
Oh, And we got to see those pandas.
Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison.
Quagmire, what are you doin' here?
Ah, It's conjugal visit day.
You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Oh, my God!
Peter, get in the car!
Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?
I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?
It means that he'll--
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool.
Yes. You go to Maple Street,
and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I was in over my head?
Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong.
It's about me apologizing.
Okay, then apologize.
- I just did.
- No, you didn't.
You just said it's about me apologizing.
That's not actually apologizing.
All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle.
Okay, okay, there it is again. Yes! Thank you!
Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this.
No, no, no, your money's no good here.
No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if...
We invited you. I've got this.
Look, just let go of the check.
You let go of the check.
I'm not taking my hand off this thing.
Well, neither am I. Yeah, You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you?
Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new,
uh...
the new Val Kilmer picture,
but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner.
How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00?
Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot... Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw.
Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Ah, there you are, boys.
Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time.
Right, Peter?
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)
I'm Peter.
Well, let's eat.
You must be starving, Peter. LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah.
LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah.
Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth.
Oh, my God, that's so disturbing.
I know, gross.
Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better,
so I hear, like, suction and stuff.
All I want to do is have a little fun before I die Uh, Hello, everybody.
This is, uh, just a formality,
since I happen to be doing the director.
A 5, 6, 7, 8.
Marshall, Will, and Holly
on a routine expedition Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
I don't give a shit about you.
You know, we could just leave you here.
Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great.
We're in occupied Europe,
and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.
Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.
(CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian.
Don't you mean your assneck?
Shut up. That's a real thing. PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee,
but either way, it feels so good.
LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts.
Oh! My chest hurts, too.
Oh, my God.
Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack.
Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. That's a great costume, Joe. Are you FDR?
No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz.
Oh, you mean, like, if he dove into the shallow end?
No. Regular Mark Spitz.
Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach?
No, I'm Mark Spitz! He won seven gold medals!
Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum, P.I.
I'm... Fine, I'm crippled Magnum, P.I. Sir, we apologize.
Griffin, There's no easy way to say this.
I think you have a drug problem.
A drug problem?
What's this really about? Jealousy?
Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it?
Give me your badge.
Fine!
By the way, Horowicz,
you should show Joe your impression of him.
Oh, w-Well, I, uh...
it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. Oh! God!
'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.
A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Look, just go to sleep, all right? Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man.
Old man?
What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard?
(GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too!
Now, you come home and start acting your age!
No, Peter. I don't want to act my age,
and you don't want that either.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have called me an old plow horse. Look, Anthony, trust me, she ain't what she used to be, all right?
Once you get those pants off,
it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza.
Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific.
Anyway, good night, kids.
Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. Hey, you know, there's not too many guys in the world who would be willing to do something like that for their pal.
Ah, don't mention it.
No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you.
Thanks, Peter.
Ah, you're welcome, buddy.
Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? Cars go fast.
Oh, God, yeah,
I'll tell you, ifl had a nickel for every time that happened.
- Yeah?
- What?
What if you had a nickel for every time that happened?
- No, nothing, it's just an expression.
- A what?
Well, I was just saying, I do my share of dopey stuff, like...
Oh, this... Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn.
But, Father, I didn't mean... Wait. Did you say "a porn"?
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Well, that's kind of weird.
- Why?
Well, I mean, you'd either say,
"You made porn," or "You made a porno."
You don't say, "Made a porn." It just... It hits the ear wrong.
Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time? I'll come with you.
No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way.
ALL: Aw!
(LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it,
but you're all friends,
except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us,
but everyone else is our friend.
Oh, congratulations, Jillian.
I know. You're not welcome here, Dig Them.
I stand behind my decision.
This press conference is over.
I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom.
Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. But she has a penis.
Well, We'll have to do something about that.
Peter, no! It's a boy!
Well, How do you like that?
Hey there, little fella.
Welcome to the planet Earth.
Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!
Hey, He takes after his Uncle Peter.
Peter, he's Carol's baby.
Give him to her.
Oh--oh, Ah, Yeah. Hi, fellas.
Hey, look, it's Snoopy.
Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock?
Ah, that's... That's a good one.
Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby,
and you guys took his candy earlier. Hey, I'm proud of myself, man.
I mean, I think it's like...
You know, I think everybody has greatness in them,
but it's really about having the courage to just kind of get inside your own head and just kind of poke around in there, you know, and be like,
"Hey, oh, my gosh, what's under here?
"Hey, what do you call yourself?"
"Oh! Wisdom."
"Oh! Profundity." Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm.
"Carnation," "peony."
No, they did that on last week's Marlowe.
What about, uh, "daisy"?
"Chrysanthemum"!
"Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"?
Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"?
Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good!
"A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works.
Oh, I like that a lot.
All right, mo--Moving on.
Hey, What about "tulip"? Zero, one, one, zero. one, zero, zero, one.
Zero, one, one, zero. one, zero, zero, one!
Zero, one, one, zero. One, zero, zero, one.
Ha! Zero, one! Zero, one! It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that.
Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam,
even if it's just for a week.
(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.
Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you.
Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can. Pretty exciting.
What? The marquee or the other thing?
Oh, What other thing?
You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first?
Well, It's obvious.
You know, Lead with strength,
Put your best foot forward,
et cetera, et cetera.
So, the sex was good?
Oh, Shut up,
you egotistical jerk!
You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet!
Blimp-headed jackass! Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!
Can I have a hug, Brian?
Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no!
I want a hug! I love...
No, no. Just wipe...
Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian!
I love you so much!
Go... Go roll around in the sandbox...
In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around! Hey, what's going on here, Woods?
The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor.
That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too!
- Mine, too.
- Same here!
SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food?
Well, actually, this dinner honors all of you.
Where should I begin?
You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian, Hey, Come on, Stewie.
Your mom and I have something for you.
Oh, Let me guess.
You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until...
Ooh! big shock, a jack pops out.
And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs,
and I die a little inside.
Surprise, honey! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.
Bam, Bam, bam!
And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah."
Bam, bam, bam!
You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam!
You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you.
It's all you, it's all... Hey.
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
JOE: Will you guys quiet down?
I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio. So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie.
All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody.
I pretty much just threw myself at Lois.
So, you finally did it, huh?
Well, look, Brian, as your friend,
I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero, man. Done!
Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool.
Can I try some Red Bull?
Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull?
Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't.
Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five.
Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em.
(LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says.
All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow.
Peter, where'd you get that cow? Don't mess with Mr. Booze
Don't mess with Mister
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah
Oh, Mr. Booze
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a bad parent.
I'm just, I'm so disgusted with my behavior.
And I'm so sorry, Meg.
Yeah, you're a bitch.
Well, you know, I've been sorta just hanging back here,
taking all this in, cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight,
but my money's on Harry Potter over there.
Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass? I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork.
Oh, come on, this is identity theft.
I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.
Thanks, Joe. Clam later? We'll hoist a few?
Sure, Peter. Joe!
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was.
I mean, you know, sure,
you were in a little over your head, but...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I was in over my head?
Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong.
It's about me apologizing.
Okay, then apologize.
- I just did.
- No, you didn't.
You just said it's about me apologizing. Attention, everyone, mail call!
Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook,
World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.
(ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy.
All right, at ease, at ease. Yes, sir.
Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today.
Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy,
Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk,
Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and...
What are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy. So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security?
Do you think we should support what the President is doing?
Well, I just think, for starters,
that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us.
And truthishly, we should just accept that.
Okay, good night, everyone.
Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, Yes, I would like-- I would like it, please, yes.
You want this, huh? You want the ball?
Yes, I would like to have it very much. You want it, huh?
You want the ball?
- I would enjoy having it, yes. Give it to me.
- Go, get it.
I-- I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken.
I thought you threw the ball in there,
but I can see now you still have it.
Go, get the ball. getting into incidents with other motorists.
Honk, honk. "Stay out the way, you old bat!" Asian.
Not all Asians are bad drivers.
No, no, not all terrorists are Arab.
But, you know, they are, so...
Um... Well, I'm Peter, and that's Joe, and that's Quagmire.
Name's Billy, Billy Finn. And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice.
Uh, give me the one free week of maid service.
And, uh, I'll take the hat rack.
Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle?
I don't see a price tag on that.
REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.
Okay, well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't mean to start anything.
Let's just forget it, okay? We're having a good time.
I don't want to forget it.
How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose?
No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying.
No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me.
And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag.
Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. That was a minor inconvenience.
Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down.
I'll say. Ow.
- Didn't see that coming, did you?
- No.
Yeah, well, you know, take that.
Which actually brings me to my next point: uh, Your wife's cheating on you.
What?
Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story,
uh, true story.
Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under control before the police caught onto you.
Hold it right there, Lois, you are under arrest.
Oh, crap. A-All right, look, just--just take it easy, Joe.
All right, Lois will go peacefully.
Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed.
Let me just get my purse.
(Lois) Sucker! Lois is the only woman for me.
Well, then, it sounds like you've gotta find a way to win her back.
Yeah, like--like we could get her drunk and take turns havin' sex with her.
- How would that help me?
- Oh, help you?
Oh, oh, Yeah, yeah. Then, no.
No, then, that--that wouldn't help you.
Well, Joe is absolutely right.
I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back.
I can do that, I'm a smart guy. (YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you!
Got you! Got you!
Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game.
You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems.
Lois, Stewie's making noise.
As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel.
Hey, hey, look, Stewie, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement.
(IN CHILDISH VOICE) "Hey, hey, Stewie,
"I'm gonna go play down in the basement. where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing.
Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that.
I just think, you know, I just think,
"Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?"
Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch?
Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch.
- What's new, bitch?
- Nothing, bitch.
Cool, bitch.
Bitch.
Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.
Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin,
the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh... Well, I lost my train of thought.
But this is really exciting. (MISTING)
(CATS YOWLING) Oh, oh, oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, oh, no.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ew! Ew!
Ew! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
You're cute. You're cute.
I don't want to pet you, though. Oh, my God, here comes Jared.
Wow, he's in kindergarten.
Hey, so you're the plug this year?
Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug.
Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row.
Like, I don't know that! Everybody knows that, Jared!
Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right? So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother,
maybe we can hang out, you know?
Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers?
I don't use makeup, Meg.
Of course you don't. You're all natural. Man, your dad must be proud!
Actually, my dad passed away four years ago.
Yeah, yeah, he did. He sure did. In fact, I got you a bunch of new, top-notch, American-made stuff.
What else did you buy?
Oh, a couple things, that light fixture,
new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra,
your garbage disposal, your dishwasher,
and your new cat. Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that?
Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice?
Ow!
I misjudged you, fat man.
Damn it. Peter, what's wrong with you?
Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this.
(SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her. A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, don't you know about the bird
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word Yeah, they had me painted.
Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel?
No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know.
Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you.
Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. (SIGHING) You know what, fat man?
I'm not sure how to say this without sounding cheesy,
but, uh, well, you really came through for me today. So I...
I...
Oh, what the hell.
Oh, I love you, too, buddy.
Come on, Stewie. Let's go home.
Hmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state right now, Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Hi there!
Always nice to meet a fan of my movies.
Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke!
Uh, No, I'm not.
Sorry, my mistake.
Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke!
Mom, can we go get some food?
Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle!
I'm not a boy. but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.
PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three.
Okay! Easy, easy, easy...
Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait...
Stop! Stop, stop...
What? What, what?
- No, no, no. Twist it.
- I am.
No, no, no. The other way.
Which way? You're twisting the wrong way. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit.
Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one...
Shh! Lois, Lois, look.
Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your...
Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back!
He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart!
He's our most important Jew! Well, we haven't done anything yet.
(STAMMERING) So, I'm just gonna avoid touching her until a little more time has passed.
And by the time I tell her,
I'll have impressed her so much that the dog thing won't even matter.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
You know, I like your delusion, Brian.
Most people would say, "I lost, I give up,"
but you, you just keep trying. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone.
Here's to fish.
Uh, Hey, could I have one of those?
Hey, Death, what are you doin' here?
Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there?
Yeah, there are. I lied.
Oh, you're so full of crap.
Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera.
Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us!
Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it!
All right, take it easy. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter!
Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
I do.
You bastard.
I love Aunt Marguerite.
Because if it wasn't for her,
I never would've met you, Peter. Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F".
Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear on your pants, there.
Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy.
Society wants your pants to be intact,
but you're just not gonna listen, are you?
My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to kill you. Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Elijah Wood.
I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have.
Oh, look, Lois, wishbone.
Okay, ready? One, two, three.
Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds. Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you.
I mean, what is going on with this country?
I mean, wake up, America.
I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right?
About the taxes? You know?
Yeah, taxes are pretty high.
Is that a new coffee machine?
Oh, yeah, I took the liberty of replacing your old one with a new, American-made coffee machine. Huh? I'm sorry, Joe, it's just an expression.
Ah.
We got to give Lois a last-minute edge.
Guys, I need you to help out on the campaign.
Oh, man. That's like making all, like, signs and walking around or what?
You know, you bastards got a stake in this, too.
I mean, Lois is my wife, and if she's the mayor,
we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want. All right, who votes yes, 9/11?
(MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins.
Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number?
Why is the total an odd number?
Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.
What? What do you mean?
I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit.
But wait, if one of me is dead,
then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Chris, this place is great.
Hey, Pull over, you bastard!
Aw, Man.
Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom.
Look, I won a balloon!
Oh, way to go, Chris.
Hey, Where's my watch? Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
I don't give a shit about you.
You know, we could just leave you here.
Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great.
We're in occupied Europe,
and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.
Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.
(CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian.
Don't you mean your assneck? One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt.
Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims.
No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with...
Wait, why'd you say it like that?
Cutaway, sir?
Yes, that's good, then.
Friends, family, and characters random,
to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, Summer days driftin' away Summer days driftin' away
To uh-oh those summer nights To uh-oh those summer nights
Oh, well-a, well-a, well-a, uh
Tell me more, tell me more
Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way.
No, no, it should be fine. But, listen, Brian, Which way should we go?
I don't know, let's ask the Goonies.
Take the left one.
Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here.
Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle.
Oh, come on!
Do the truffle shuffle. Well, I'm enjoying you, too, Jerome. Welcome to the clan.
I mean, I'm glad we got to hang. I mean, you're a good negro.
- No, I...
- Relax, man. I like you, too.
Okay, yeah, that's all I was trying to... Yeah, good evening.
Thanks for the lift home, Jerome. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that.
Hey, you guys.
Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great.
Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
What?
What?
Wow, Mom, is that a new purse?
Yeah, that looks pretty expensive.
Well, don't tell anybody, Brian, but I was a little naughty. Oh, What other thing?
You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first?
Well, It's obvious.
You know, Lead with strength,
Put your best foot forward,
et cetera, et cetera.
So, the sex was good?
Oh, Shut up,
you egotistical jerk!
You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet!
Blimp-headed jackass!
Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant! Attention, everyone, mail call!
Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook,
World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.
(ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy.
All right, at ease, at ease. No, no, no, no, no, no!
I... I don't get it.
So, what's the deal with Chris?
Is he actually, like, still in Africa?
No, no, he's not. You know, where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys take turns. You know?
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
BURGLAR: What did she say?
She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.
Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything.
No! No! I... I... No. No sale.
Come on! I'm pretty!
(SCREAMING) Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly.
As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd--
Well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you?
That one wasn't very good.
Peter, They were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself,
not because they liked your jokes.
Well, Maybe that was part of my act. Indeed, yes, sir. I did.
Yeah, okay, okay. Whatever.
All right, Peterson, two things are gonna happen here.
I'm gonna take my wife back, and then I'm gonna kill you!
All right. All right, Mr. King, sir. You win.
I'm sorry, Lady Redbush, but he is your husband.
Let me just walk over here and get your things for you...
(SHOUTING) All right, Your Majesty. Listen, thanks, everybody. I had a great time tonight.
I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport.
Lois, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Chris, the guys from the prison...
Counting Crows.
If I'm forgetting anybody, I'm sorry. Goodnight, everybody!
Our thoughts are with you, Chevy! Dad, can you teach me how to sumo wrestle?
Oh, It's not too hard, Chris.
Hey, Brian, help me demonstrate.
Uh, Peter, maybe somebody else could--
Come on!
Ok, so on the count to 3,
you try to push me out of the ring,
I try to push you out of the ring.
Ok? Ready?
1, 2, 3! Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people,
'cause we are going to Washington, DC.
Now, wait a minute, Peter.
Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend,
and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase.
Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here,
maybe Cleveland could join us.
Yeah, it'd be just like old times. What do you say, Cleveland? All right, I will, Lois.
I will ask her to move in with me,
and you'll see, I've got what it takes.
See, that wasn't so bad, was it?
(GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic.
What do you say, we go back to your place for round two?
Sounds good to me.
MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. All right, everybody, shut the hell up!
All right, this is bullshit, all right?
I can't follow what's going on anymore,
and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.
So let's make this easy and take a vote.
How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
Okay, all right, looks like 42. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid?
Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid.
Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some?
All right, fine. Tilt your head back,
and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. That looks all right. Yeah, come on, Quagmire.
Get the hair transplant. Come back to us.
You're right. This isn't me.
Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.
There you go, that's pretty gross.
Yeah, that's the spirit, Quagmire.
Oh, boy, listen, thanks for putting up with me the last couple weeks.
Hey, no problem. You put up with me when I was barefoot guy. I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"?
No. A "B"?
No.
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P?
"P"! Peter! My name's Peter!
Is your name Peter?
Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer.
What Cleveland really needs right now is to learn how to express his feelings. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.
Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.
Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!
What does that even mean?
I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this. In my own house!
Well, what was the bit?
Okay, ready?
I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
(LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my.
Oh, my God, Peter!
I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny. Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian,
Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland,
Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce,
Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,
Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!
Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! Peter, may I?
You're walking down a hallway.
You take a left, you keep walking,
you take a right, then a left, brick wall!
Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked.
Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad.
Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister.
She's a good girl.
Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister?
Now, Chris, we told you, Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go.
But we're cool, right?
(SIGHS) Peter, we have to talk.
Look, I thought this FCC thing was a good idea at first,
but it's-- it's just gone way too far.
What, uh, are you saying, Lois?
Well,
I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right. Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here.
Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it.
Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you.
It's all you, it's all... Hey.
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! I hate these hats.
Yes, sir.
Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today.
Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy,
Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk,
Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... I'm not sure, Peter.
You got to be careful about what you put on your network.
You know how impressionable children are.
I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason?
Chris, you should have left for school already.
Oy, shiksa, don't start with me.
I didn't go, I wanted to go,
I forgot to go, I should have gone.
- Chris, just go!
- Mom, relax.
You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go... I think, still, yes.
Thank you, Peter.
All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with?
A very pregnant Gina Gershon, or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Oh, hey, hang on, hang on.
Look, you know, I know this is a men's club,
but why does it always have to be about sex? Oh, my gosh! He was just floating out there by himself?
Yep. He was so grateful I saved his life,
he invited us all over for dinner tonight.
Oh, Good. I don't have to cook.
Oh, no, no. Go ahead and Cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out.
I don't want you to get rusty.
Say, Peter, uh, My audition's coming up. You know, where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys take turns. You know?
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
BURGLAR: What did she say?
She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.
Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything.
No! No! I... I... No. No sale. I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian.
Lois is my wife, and...
Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years?
Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that?
Say what, now? You don't deserve her.
She does nothing but give and give and give,
and you repay her with selfishness and neglect.
I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. I can't believe we're doing this,
but I gotta say, it feels kind of right.
I know, it's so weird, right? I mean, it's, like, fast.
I mean, it's fast, but it feels, like, okay, you know?
I mean, like, isn't that crazy?
It's like this adventure that we're having together.
I know. That's exactly how I feel. It sure is good to have you back, Mom.
Yeah, we missed you.
Well, thanks for putting up with me, you guys.
Sorry, I got so flipped out about my age.
Aw, don't worry about it, Lois.
But from now on, remember, I love you just the way you are.
And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35.
Peter, I'm 43. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers!
Well, all right, maybe just one.
Cherry.
Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!
(SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.
See you later.
Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Two sailboats!
TOM: 44.
17! TOM: No, that's...
Oh, yes, that is 17.
She's good at 17.
Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of...
NIKKI: 24!
No, that's it. We're done. Anyone watching, do not count 24.
NIKKI: Pancakes! Okay, I don't know what she's doing now.
Somebody turn the machine off.
Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. (CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!
Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!
Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!
Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!
Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!
All right. I am ready for the rodeo. LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts.
Oh! My chest hurts, too.
Oh, my God.
Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack.
Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too.
No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack.
Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious?
Oh, we should get you to the hospital.
All right, hold-hold on a sec.
- I... All right, almost done. Almost done.
- Peter! Yeah, Hi. Uh, This is the F.B.I. calling from your house.
Oh, God!
Oh, hi. How is everything?
good, Good. Real good. Real good.
Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad,
and it's probably nothing, but, um,
you know that criminal who's after your son?
Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are.
What? Attention, everyone, mail call!
Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook,
World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.
(ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy.
All right, at ease, at ease. Oh, gosh, this is hard.
Yeah, could I get a better look at number two?
And, number four, could you step forward, too?
Okay, number five, look at number one.
Look at him like you haven't seen him in a while and you're happy.
Okay, not too happy, not too happy. Pull it back, pull it back.
Okay, and number three, could you say, Damn!
(ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it!
All right, take it easy. Chris!
Oh, my God. Are you ok?
Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel.
Oh, that's great, son. Light is good.
Run towards the light.
No, Chris! No!
Run away from the light!
Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?
Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, MAN: Talking chicken. Don't blame me. It was the chicken.
He was... Oh, no, no, no. Actually, no.
You know what would be better? Hey, wait, wait.
Just walk out like this. I just... Look...
I just come out like this, but just, like, all serious.
Like this totally, like, completely serious.
- Like... Like I don't even know I'm wearing them.
- MAN: Oh, man!
Death. Death to America. Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke!
Uh, No, I'm not.
Sorry, my mistake.
Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke!
Mom, can we go get some food?
Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle!
I'm not a boy.
Yes, you are.
I can't believe we have to live here.
No, This sucks! The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real,
FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena,
Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy,
Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Fuck you.
Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?
Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.
That's not who I am.
Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy.
Brian, shut up!
Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose.
Of course he was. He was the star.
No, you're wrong. Look it up.
I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge.
- He was on the cover of...
- No, no, no.
- ...People magazine when the movie...
- No, no.
- Everyone knows...
- No, no.
- ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose.
- No, no, no!
- It was a huge movie. He was the lead.
- No, no, no, no!
No, no, no... "Oh, Ubama's not gonna be able to do it,"
but he's hanging in there.
Peter, it's "Obama."
You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares?
It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that.
Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam,
even if it's just for a week.
(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
Then we'll have unlimited lives. And have that Russian waiter I like bring it over.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho I have to go back to the hospital, don't I?
Yeah. I'm afraid so.
Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face?
It was like, pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser!
(SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser! A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke!
I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.
Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.
Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Peter, what's up? Come on, come on, we gotta go now!
We gotta go now. Come on, Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on. Go, go, go!
Pull the car around. Come on, let's go!
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter.
I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill.
You'd best go to lunch without me. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad.
(AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off!
Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad.
I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees!
Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees!
I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees!
No, serious! Stop! Stop!
- I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees!
- Stop!
All right, that's enough, that's enough.
Get 'em off.
Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.
Now, look, Brian, there's a difference between being concerned and being overprotective. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave.
He brought it out on our first date.
Lois, I'm scared.
Oh, I'll get that.
Hey!
Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God!
Boobies!
Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there!
You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural!
Boobies! Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive!
You gotta tell me everything that happened.
I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys,
but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it.
Peter, didn't you hear what I said?
Stewie tried to kill me!
Mom, Stewie's just a baby.
No, he's not, Meg! He's evil.
He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship. Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty!
Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man.
Old man?
What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard?
(GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too!
Now, you come home and start acting your age!
No, Peter. I don't want to act my age,
and you don't want that either. No. A "B"?
No.
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P?
"P"! Peter! My name's Peter!
Is your name Peter?
Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer.
What Cleveland really needs right now is to learn how to express his feelings.
Now, what he needs right now is a revenge lay.
And I know just who to talk to. Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here.
Get out of my house, Benji!
Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this.
Yeah, look at this. Stop that!
Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it!
This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet!
Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good.
Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good. the seesaw is the post office,
and the sandbox is our summer home.
Can you believe it, Brian? We... We have a summer home!
I mean, yes, we'll...
We'll have to rent it out some years to help pay for...
Oh, no, wait, no, we won't,
because I'm a famous race car driver. I forgot!
Stewie, you're not a race car driver.
And if you don't let me go right now, you're gonna lose your dad. God, I should take her out right here with these, man.
Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring?
Oh, why don't I give you a closer look?
(EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch?
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh?
(EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass. Ok, funcakes, let's do a scene.
Ok, uh, Stewie, how about you and, uh,
Let's see, one of our veterans. Um, Olivia.
I'm not doing a scene with him! He's inexperienced!
He'll drag my whole performance down!
Are you serious? Is she serious?
Ok, Stewie. I'll give you a solo exercise. ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead,
followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour,
followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner,
followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases,
followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride,
followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets,
followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore,
followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear, Spidey, can you swing us across with your web?
No, I can't swing you across.
And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey.
I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey.
Yeah, close friends.
- What's your name?
- Peter.
Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.
Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.
And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man,
so how do you think I feel? I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore.
Besides, it gives me time to try new things,
like that time I tried wearing adult diapers.
Hey, Lois. Hey, kids.
Oh, boy, that smells delicious.
You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you,
but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at... No, not AA. A-A-A.
Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh?
So you are with AAA?
Oh, no, that's A-A-A. I just came from AA, eh?
Huh? Stewie, I think he's just a drunk.
Well, drunk or not, can you help us?
I can if you want to join AA, eh?
No, I'm already a member of A-A-A. I need help with the car.
Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage.
You might need a hose, eh? Hey, kid, nice costume.
Really? Oh, my God, thank you so much.
My mother bought it for me,
and I was worried it might be a tad banal,
but if you big kids like it, then it must be pretty cool.
That's a nice bag of candy you've got.
Oh, thank you. You know, it's actually a pillowcase.
They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know.
Well, now it's ours. No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way.
ALL: Aw!
(LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it,
but you're all friends,
except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us,
but everyone else is our friend.
Oh, congratulations, Jillian.
I know. My VCR's still broken. Did you remember to watch Survivor?
Yes, sir. All right, I wanna see it.
Previously on Survivor, Grace won immunity after lying to Kyle about a stomach virus.
I've seen this. Fast forward.
Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos,
- Pirates of the Caribbean 4,
- Orbit gum.
Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. Look, I'll do it myself. How about that?
Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me.
I mean, I think we should do what he says.
Well, yeah, but, Brian...
I'm totally willing to do this for the family.
I'm not sure...
I'll do it.
Hey, Griffins, just checking in.
Oh, my God!
Holy crap! but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.
So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina,
so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.
So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, Hello, Doreen? Yeah, uh, I'm still over at the Griffin job, um,
listen, Tell Walter I'm not going to be able to make it to the construction site. So, um,
I don't know. Have him send Frank, or Glen, or Harelip Steve. Look, the diaper's completely clean.
Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't.
You have to clean my ass.
Oh, God, Stewie, there's got to be a line!
Brian, this is the most important part.
You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes.
She gets all up in my biznatch with those.
No, no way.
I could get really sick.
Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second,
and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us. Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're okay.
Oh, me too, Lois. That was some pretty rough stuff.
Oh...
You didn't cry, did you?
Well, I mean, I went through an awful lot.
Peter, if you cried, we are done.
Great job, Peter.
Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars, Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack. Big boom.
No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero.
Okay, right. So I throw backpack,
come back and have big hero party with many virgins.
No, no, no, no, no. You boom! Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom.
Then I come back, be hero, virgins. Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here.
Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it.
Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you.
It's all you, it's all... Hey.
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! All right, this is bullshit, all right?
I can't follow what's going on anymore,
and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.
So let's make this easy and take a vote.
How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
Okay, all right, looks like 42. (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people?
What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring!
Holy smoke, it's crowded in here.
Hey!
There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room.
Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been?
I've been worried sick.
Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. No. I'm--I'm, I'm a working man myself.
No. It's tough out there. Yeah.
You know, you can't...
You got to find a way. It's tough, it is.
All right. Well, uh, can you stop this thing so we can get off?
Uh, no. I mean, I-- I'd love to.
Uh, but it--it stops at the predesignated stops.
You know, I don't, I don't have control, you know, over that.
Oh. That's the engineer who does that stuff.
Well, how... To uh-oh those summer nights To uh-oh those summer nights
Oh, well-a, well-a, well-a, uh
Tell me more, tell me more
Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way.
No, no, it should be fine. But, listen, Brian,
I'm gonna be bringing a Puerto Rican girl over here later. - Yeah?
- Hey, can you grab me another beer?
Yeah. Anything else? Maybe, you know, TV Guide,
you know, another pillow for your feet or something?
No. Actually, you know what? Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and,
you know, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could.
- (STUTTERING) Try to keep the saltwater...
- Yeah.
We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult. Okay, look, I'm happy to do that.
(STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just...
Look, what I was saying...
Look, just tell me what you want me to say!
Bill, he's urinating!
Oh, shit! That's it!
Look, Bill, can I just...
Outside.
No, no, no, outside! Outside now!
(BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Attention, everyone, mail call!
Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook,
World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.
(ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy.
All right, at ease, at ease. Quick, Brian! Get down!
Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay?
PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here?
MAN: Forget it. False alarm.
Whoa, ass ahoy.
Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.
What's the occasion?
You know, I'm only telling you this now, Okay, Peter, but I...
What was that?
Dad, I think that was just a cricket.
Then what the hell was that?
That was just me saying, "That was just a cricket."
Dad, settle down.
There's no one out there, Peter.
You sure?
Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's probably just a...
Did you guys lock the truck?
Dad, we don't even have a...
What the hell is going on out there? Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists.
Well, hey there, Griffins!
Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!
Don't tell me you're K.I.S.S. freaks, too?
K.I.S.S. army soldier since 1977. How about you?
'76. I don't think anyone knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do.
I'm--I'm sorry. What was that?
Peter, It's not important.
Let him answer, Lois! Peter, what the hell is that?
Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew.
Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit.
Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one...
Shh! Lois, Lois, look.
Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your...
Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! Oh, Keep playing. I think this is as good as it's gonna get.
Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either.
Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say.
I guess I am going to Hell.
Peter, The good Lord said to honor thy father.
He never said anything about liking him.
in that case,
Dad, I'm gonna eat meat on Fridays,
golf on Sundays, All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right.
So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck,
but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.
So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina,
so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.
So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, Hey, Come on, Stewie.
Your mom and I have something for you.
Oh, Let me guess.
You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until...
Ooh! big shock, a jack pops out.
And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs,
and I die a little inside.
Surprise, honey!
A trikie! You told her I told you I kissed her?
Dude, you broke the bro code.
That's not against the bro code.
Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man.
Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code.
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
What is this?
Are these jokes? Do people in other castles think this is funny? All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with Purple Hearts.
Shoot me in the foot. What? Shoot yourself in the foot.
No, no, no, no. They can tell by the angle.
Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you.
I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work.
Ready? One, two, three.
(GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts!
I think you missed me. All right, I'll try again. Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh?
No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling?
Reefer, crack, smack, horse,
X, shrooms, dust, meth?
In my neighborhood? I don't think so! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this.
No, no, no, your money's no good here.
No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if...
We invited you. I've got this.
Look, just let go of the check.
You let go of the check.
I'm not taking my hand off this thing.
Well, neither am I. Stewie, do you want to be the Autobots, or the Decepticons?
What's with all these labels, man?
Autobots, Decepticons, gay, straight,
just pick a few robots, and let's party.
Hey, what's going on in here?
Oh, hello, Brian. We're playing Transformers.
Oh, cool. Who's this little guy? (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.
(GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine."
Yes, Joe, everything's fine.
Oh, okay, good.
Make fun of his wheelchair.
What? What?
Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair."
Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair. I'm sure it'll be a veritable "who's that" of the literary world.
Well, laugh all you want,
but they're gonna put me up at a luxury hotel, all expenses paid.
Wow, congratulations, Brian.
Meg, please, I'm talking.
Over a thousand people entered the contest,
and they chose mine.
Well, that's wonderful, Brian.
Yeah, that's a great achievement. and that he has two weeks to live.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Daddy!
Yeah, I feel really horrible for you, and I hate to do this,
but I'm trying to catch a 4:50 movie, and it's, like, 4:40 now,
and so if I'm gonna make it, I have to leave, like, now. Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!
Oh, hi, Quagmire. What a surprise.
I know, right?
Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you,
buying food to make dinner for your husband.
No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard,
but Peter and I aren't together anymore. - It's tearing up my yard!
- Oh, oh God!
Oh, my God! No, no!
oh, Joe,
- oh, I am sorry, buddy.
- it's ok.
Are you ok? You all right? Look, It's ok.
It's Ok, I'm fine. Oh, boy.
Everybody's fine. Oh, That was scary.
Peter, what are we doing here? Trust me, Quagmire. Hey, there's all my favorite people!
Oh, no, not this suck-up.
What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews?
So good to see you, Barrington.
Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald?
Huh? Huh? Where we going today?
You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald?
Pewterschmidt, settle down!
I was having a nice conversation with Peter. Hey, hey, hey!
Hey lois, What are your parents doing here?
Oh, They surprised us with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery.
Yes. Peter, we hear you're a Negro now.
Yep. I even got my own posse.
Hey, uh, Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades,
uh, you guys go make yourself some sandwiches.
We'll hook up later. Now, on to you.
So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?
Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
(SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go.
Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
(EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it?
Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do!
Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead?
Uh, This last one won't open.
Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit.
Like, uh, Like this?
Ah, Here, let me get it.
Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead. Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
Name six more.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,
Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Name five more. Tracy, Jean,
Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.
Go fuck yourself. (Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this.
See, it's not fair to Brian.
What about me, Lois. I love you, too.
And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog.
Please. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be.
You know, I will always love you,
but I made a commitment to Brian. I don't know, let's ask the Goonies.
Take the left one.
Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here.
Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle.
Oh, come on!
Do the truffle shuffle.
Childhood obesity. - One.
- One.
Four, zero, one.
Yes.
Five, five, five.
Five. Five. Five.
That was painless. Okay. One, one, two, five.
One, one, two, five.
There you go, you got it.
One, five, five. Did you like the movie?
Well, that's not the point.
Did you like the movie?
Well, of course, I loved the movie, but, look, I'm no writer,
but if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.
So, you didn't like the eagle.
Well, no, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, Give her the web site.
StewieGriffinFacial.com.
No, no, no, that's something else.
It's StewieGriffin FacialCleanser.com.
Hey, listen, Mr. Barrington, your granddaughter ain't no tease, right?
'Cause Chris really wants to get in there.
Oh, you're a funny guy, Griffin. I like that.
Well, you should hear my prank phone calls. Everybody, I got bad news.
We've been cancelled.
Oh no, Peter, how could they do that?
Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule.
We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared,
Action, That Eighties Show, Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel?
No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know.
Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you.
Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that.
Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot.
I know. I would've taken you...
You know what I would've done to you back there?
Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier?
I said all that stuff. God!
Let's not-- Let's not rule anything out. Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a...
Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk.
Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard,
it was, uh, Brian.
Yeah, Brian.
No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with.
He's bad news. Now, before you say anything, one, it has no human emotions,
and two, its prime directive is never to harm people.
Oh, God, it's harming people!
ROBOT: Angry! Angry!
Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too!
It's using tools!
It's learning, Angela! It's learning! Run! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
ALL: Ah, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena,
Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy,
Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick,
Louie, and Greg the Bunny. Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts
that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer."
"No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."
Oh, these are wonderful, sweetie.
Chris, why don't you put these upstairs in your closet so we don't lose them? Great! Not even halfway through Canada, and we're stuck.
Oh, hey there. You having some car troubles, eh?
Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole.
I don't suppose you're from AAA, are you?
Who? AAA, you know? A-A-A.
Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA.
No, not AA. A-A-A. Well, yeah.
You son of a bitch!
Oh, my God! It's a travesty!
Joe, stop it! And I will kill you!
You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here.
We hired a sitter for this!
Get him out of here. Come on, Joe.
Guys, keep his anus above his head.
Okay, okay. All right, all right.
Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.
PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Our lead story tonight, Petoria.
A new foreign country, which was founded this week,
right here in our own backyard!
And in a quahog News 5 exclusive,
we sent our own little foreigner,
Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa,
to Petoria, where First Lady, Lois Griffin,
has graciously agreed to give us a tour of her country. Trisha.
Thank you, Diane. Oh, for God's sake, Christie.
Why don't you fire that girl?
She's actually, believe it or not, better than the last one.
I thought I told you to wait on the command ship.
Yes, well, the thing is, a small rebel force has landed on the forest moon,
and my son is with them.
Kurt? No, Luke.
I thought Kurt was your son.
No, no, Kurt was just a guy I was hanging around with for a while. (LAUGHING) Oh, that rice got you, bitch.
Hey, Stewie's laughing.
Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that?
Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice?
Ow!
I misjudged you, fat man.
Damn it. Peter, what's wrong with you?
Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this. Oh, my God! Civil war?
See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.
Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly.
In fact, I bet, five years from now,
the world will still be better off for what I did.
Is that so?
Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself,
then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong.
Fine. Can I try some Red Bull?
Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull?
Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't.
Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five.
Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em.
(LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says.
All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow. You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said,
"I'm going to kill you!"
Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?
Peter, what are you doing here?
Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland.
I'm gonna kill Quagmire!
Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag.
Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down.
- Uh, Peter, I'm not sure that that's--
- Not now, Lois! No, no, I totally get it, Peter.
Snuggling is a basic human need.
Right, I mean, who says that the body next to you has to be male or female or, you know, whatever?
- Or alive.
- Yeah!
Well, no, but, yeah.
Look, I think it's a great idea,
and I'm completely with you.
I'm in. Let's try it.
Yay! That is such good news!
And I'm so happy they gave us a booth. I get it.
Uh, Hello, everybody.
This is, uh, just a formality,
since I happen to be doing the director.
A 5, 6, 7, 8.
Marshall, Will, and Holly
on a routine expedition Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face?
It was like, pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser!
(SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser!
Pow, right in the kisser!
I miss Uncle Patrick.
Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month. This can't be it. This doesn't look familiar.
You're right, Brian.
Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has to take a poop right just now.
(ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, just leave them on my desk.
Okay, that works out fine for me.
Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is.
Craig, are you good with this?
Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too. Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips?
Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it.
You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull.
Uh, I'm not breast-feeding.
All right, fine. God, you're pushy.
Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck.
Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance. I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow.
Come on, stupid, move it!
(CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn.
You should totally flip him off.
Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off.
Hey, up yours, you jerk!
(HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Hey, I'll call you back after the fight.
Yeah, me, too. (MIMICKING SEAN CONNERY) Now, time for some unfinished business.
No, James. Yes.
No, James. Yes. You're going to have sex with me.
No, James. I don't want to.
Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
No, I don't! Yes, you do!
- Okay, yes.
- See that?
Fifty no's and a yes means yes. Who are you? We're you, from the future.
Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up?
Take a wild guess.
What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen.
Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11.
If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist.
My God, Brian. What the hell?
We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. Oh, my Lord. Look who's here.
Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Seven. Seven prostitutes.
This is a shakedown.
Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work.
Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out. (CATS YOWLING) Oh, oh, oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, oh, no.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ew! Ew!
Ew! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
You're cute. You're cute.
I don't want to pet you, though.
Oh, all right. Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, no shit!
You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.
What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, la-dee-fucking-da!
I guess we got some kind of joker here! Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this.
No, no, no, your money's no good here.
No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if...
We invited you. I've got this.
Look, just let go of the check.
You let go of the check.
I'm not taking my hand off this thing.
Well, neither am I.
Let go of the check.
Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Peter, don't!
Nice going, jackass. Look what you did.
Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right?
You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot.
(ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something. Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden.
What are you getting all bent out of shape about?
Well, you know, Karl, i--I didn't get...
I got virtually nothin' here, you know?
Look, I don't see what the problem is.
No, you wouldn't, would you?
L-Look, all I'm saying is, I got the raw end of the deal.
You invited me over.
Yeah, well, now I'm regretting it. YEah. Uh, This is a message for Brian.
This is Jack Nicholson.
Uh, Listen, I read your script,
and it just, uh, you know,
jumped right off the page.
Uh, I think it's something I'd be excited to be a part of.
So, uh, call my, uh...
Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. Hey, there's all my favorite people!
Oh, no, not this suck-up.
What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews?
So good to see you, Barrington.
Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald?
Huh? Huh? Where we going today?
You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald?
Pewterschmidt, settle down! Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum, P.I.
I'm... Fine, I'm crippled Magnum, P.I.
Brian, there's that girl from my yoga class I wanted you to meet.
Look, Lois, I appreciate it, but I'm not into fix-ups.
Oh, come on, you got to get yourself back out there.
Jane, this is Brian. All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie.
The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on.
All right? This is my show,
and it's a serious, intellectual hour of discussion,
and I want to keep it that way. Hey, no problem.
All right. In three, two, one.
This is The Lunch Hour with your host...
Hey, what's up, Quahog? Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning.
- Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night.
- Late night, huh?
- What's her name, Brian?
- What are you talking about?
Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs,
the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar. No, no, no, no, no, no!
I... I don't get it.
So, what's the deal with Chris?
Is he actually, like, still in Africa?
No, no, he's not. Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.
I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years?
It's great to see you, too, Lois. It really is.
You know, the fact is, I came here hoping to run into you.
Really? Well, that's nice.
You see, I'd like to propose something to you and your husband.
Oh, my God. I'm dreaming. Yeah, 'cause we could... What?
Yeah, they had me painted.
Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel?
No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know.
Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you.
Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that.
Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot.
I know. I would've taken you...
You know what I would've done to you back there? Well, how...
Uh, well, how much are our tickets?
Well, for this, this is a first--first-class cabin.
It's, uh, 25 bucks.
Wow! And we're the robbers.
Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach?
Uh, $12 for coach.
Well, he's a senior...
You know what? That-- That's fine.
Just give me 2 coach tickets.
All right, thank you. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta
ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta Okay, this is it, James. I got your next project right here.
Peter, you've pitched me dozens of projects,
and all of them involve me playing a hayride driver.
I don't know, I just see you doing that.
You know, this year, it's vampires, next year, it's hay.
These things go in cycles.
Peter, this is probably a good time to fire you.
What? Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back?
Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident,
I feel like I can once again take pride in my community.
I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and...
And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back.
And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that.
Hey, you guys. Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal?
Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right?
Oh, get in here.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh!
Okay, let's have dinner, huh?
So, how did you guys get together? Hey, Brian, help me demonstrate.
Uh, Peter, maybe somebody else could--
Come on!
Ok, so on the count to 3,
you try to push me out of the ring,
I try to push you out of the ring.
Ok? Ready?
1, 2, 3!
ow. What--What the hell? What the hell?
Brian, I'm sorry--
No! No, No. You know what? Hey, Murphy, blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah,
John Sununu.
Murphy, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah,
Tipper Gore.
Hey, Murph, you can't blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah-blah the Ayatollah.
Blah-Blah-blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu, blah-blah.