comb.io - Clips

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Call somebody! Oh! We need one of those boards they use for football players! (GRUNTS) Hey, what's going on? Nothing. I just figured out why cats are better than babies. Well, that's kind of a broad statement. Okay, 2820 Ocean, this is it.

Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not.

I mean, every performance is sold out and they just added a Wednesday matinee.

A box of Junior Mints? This isn't an iPod? Your Junior Mints play MP3s? My iPod is chocolate? Well, be that as it may, or not be that,

Well, this is peaceful. Good morning, Lois. Wow, Peter, since when do you get so dressed up for work? Since I got tired of getting nowhere in this world, Lois. I have decided to do whatever it takes to become an executive. Well, it would certainly be great if you got a promotion.

Ah. It was you.

Australia, here I come. Look at that, Brian. Cleveland is back living across the street. Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time. So what does that mean? Well, it suggests that time may not simply be flowing backwards, it may, in fact, be accelerating. Accelerating? Why would that be happening?

Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING)

No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth!

Uh-oh. The police. Looks like I got some explaining to do. No, but how could I help you, Officer? We're looking for this baby. Have you seen him? I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop. Have you seen him? No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.

All right, kids, assembly is starting. Now, please take your seats for the following presentation by the US Army. (ALL GROANING) What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme! And I'm Major Awesome! We're here to tell you how much the army kicks ass! Check this out!

I can work with either. No, no, he's dead. He's dead.

Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while. Anyway, it's inevitable. Ah, Don't feel bad, Joe. I--I think I know why your son beat you.

You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing.

Something good. Something good. You really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week. That is sensational. You really made me feel confident about those numbers. Listen, if you're ever looking for a change of scenery... we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.

Thanks, duck boy. (ALL LAUGHING)

Peter, I think you joined a terrorist sleeper cell. What? That's crazy. Look, I'm gonna call Mahmoud right now on this cell phone he gave me. He'll tell you. (BEEPING) (DISTANT EXPLOSION) Damn phone's busted. Maybe I dialed wrong. (BEEPING) (EXPLOSION) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Peter, please stop trying to call Mahmoud.

If anyone asks, I shot him. Got that? You were crying in the corner. Holy crap. Stay back. Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers. That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there?

(CROWD CHEERING) Schpupel! (GROANING) Don't be sad, Peter.

I mean, haven't you seen those commercials?

You know, the only thing that was holding me back even a little is knowing how much Lois is gonna milk this.

Man! Our boy Chris partying with the cool kids. I am a very proud dad right now. And look at that Connie. Jesus Christ! I bet that thing's so tight you've gotta call the city to get in there. (SOBBING)

(ALL GASP) I should have stayed in bed. Yeah, we're walking in now.

Oh, my God! A piece of your brain came out! Ah! Well, that can't be good!

Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip? Sure, sweetheart. Meg, you have a wart! Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house? It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend. See, it was lunchtime... Ok, Connie. You're up.

God, when did Christmas become so complicated? So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter!

Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there. And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life!

You son of a-- Ahh!

There. Are you happy, Doug?

WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

(BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone. Oh, thank God, we're saved! I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.

You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING) (ALL GASPING)

Luke, use the force.

What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

(SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

Good morning, Officer Swanson. Oh, hey. Nora. Listen, I... It's okay, Joe. You don't need to explain. I stepped over the line at the bar last night. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't find you attractive. I do. I just... I'm married, and... I get it. I totally understand, Joe.

You think you're tough? Well, let's see what you got!

Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

What? No way. (EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION) You got to. It's a dare. - That's the game. - That's the game. Okay. What the hell. I'm an open-minded person. Yeah. So am I. No big deal. Just my body. Oh, my God! They're going to do it! Oh, I got to take a picture. Holy crap! No way. No freakin' way. Quagmire, take a picture. Oh, my God!

So you admit you ran the red light?

- Peter, calm down. He's just your father. - Yeah, but I love him. His folksy racism, his l-don't-care-where-l-am flatulence. And the way it always seems like he's chewing, even when there's no food in there. (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hiya, Dad. - Francis, it's so good to see you. Lois, you haven't changed a bit, you lying bitch.

(LAUGHING) (CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING)

Well, a stray. Thank you. Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now. Well, hold... Hold on a sec. We could probably let them go for just a few more minutes. (ALL CRYING)

Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno. Wait a minute. Chuck Connors? He was a basketball player and he was in Roots. Yeah, he wasn't in The Towering Inferno, you dumb beaver. What? I didn't say nothing. Dad, who is it? O.J. Simpson. Who's that?

This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal. Hello, Alaska! Adam!

(SCREAMS) What's wrong with you, Holder-Downer 5000? That's just for women. Hold it together, Quagmire. You probably just had one too many drinks last night. (SIREN WAILING) Son of a bitch.

Okay, Lois, bye! Bye, church! Bye, church guy! Bye, unending conversation! Bye, terrible church people! Bye! My God, does everything have to have a mascot these days? I mean, look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil.

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out!

Listen, I don't need your suggestions, pal. I've been a big celebrity for a year and a half now. Okay, if that's how you're gonna be. We'll see how this plays out. Lois, we're not watching Mad Men no more. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Look, I may have been a little rash. Our ratings have dropped 50%.

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often. Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said, "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful? Will you people quiet down? I'm trying to watch Medium.

Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! Welcome, apprentices. It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

Look, there's Central Park!

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

You've got to censor television, you fools!

Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!

Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin. And you're watching PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson.

What? Oh, my God! Run! (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, there. Are you Kyle's parents? Yes. Can we help you? Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, apparently your son got into a little scrape with my kid. Oh, dear. They're not getting along? Like an old guy and a midget.

Get naked, you strange whore!

This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?

Damn it, I hate these new stairs!

Come on over here, son. Hand me the paper, so I don't need to use my grabber. Mmm. That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there. Uh, Thanks. Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself? Oh, That's ok, mister.

We use the abbreviation "S.O's"

and America's Funniest Home Videos buys you a shrimp cocktail? Get lost. If I give you $5,000, will you tell me I matter?

What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell?

Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

You were right, Dad. Being Irish rocks! That's more like it, son. now, Today we're gonna learn about the Griffin family history. What's a library, Dad? Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside.

(HUNGRY EYES PLAYING) "Hotel maid wanted." Sweet. I could do that.

(GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do?

Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked. Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you,

an egg drop conducted by teacher Randall Fargas seems to have gone horribly, horribly wrong. We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Well, Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor. Welcome back, Fargas.

but it's a whole other thing to go away with him for the weekend to his sex cabin. Oh, is that right? (MIMICS LOIS) Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's not going to sleep with her. That's you. Nerd. Look, everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have sex with him, you're a huge bitch. We got to stop them.

Lunch is ready, everyone. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, Lois. This is... - This is white bread. - Yeah. So? Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? No. This was cheaper. I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. Our kids eat... (SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread.

I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN.

Yeah, yeah. Hug it out, bitch. Hug it out, yeah. Spray that hug all over me.

What? You guys know each other? Know each other? Peter, Jerome is an old boyfriend of mine. What? (YAWNS) Sorry, I was out of it. Wait, are we being robbed? Peter, I know I told you about Jerome.

There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time,

Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher. In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about.

Yeah. That's where seniors hunt down freshmen and nail them with paddles. Man, remember how much that was, beating those freshmen silly? Oh, yeah. You're not serious, are you? Chris, I'm just as serious as I was when I saw Paul Reiser do standup. What's the deal with airline food? I mean, is this stuff bad or what?

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Wait, you mean you two used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick!

This is mine! This is where my babies come from! And Now back to the Movie of the Week, Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way!

I'm gonna use condoms. Me, too. Maybe, I'll use two condoms at the same time. Why would you do that? Oh, I mean, just one, just one. Doug, my mom's right. If we really care about each other, it's okay to have sex. We'll be safe, we'll use a condom, and it'll be wonderful. Wow, does this mean I'll see you naked?

And you know nothing of my work.

...E e Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him. You're gonna love being famous, Meg. And this is the town to do it in. I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do?

Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news.

I say we should let them. JASPER: Oh, no! What's wrong? Look. Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriages next week. While controversial, it has nonetheless effectively distracted all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco. The what? I don't know. Something about a lizard. And now this. Look at that.

Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say?

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Stewie, your head is so smooth. How is that even.... How you doing that? How you doing that?

That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs,

I'm small, so this is okay.

I can't believe they threw me in jail for a quarter ounce of pot.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.

And, as for you, I suggest you stay away from my son, you harlot. (SOBBING)

MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this.

Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat? We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box.

I mean, you know, unless I get really stinking drunk, in which case all you got to do is outrun your sister. Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment. I agree. We can all learn something from that. Wocka, wocka. Who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?

(FEEDBACK ON PA) A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl RED: To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about.

What are you getting at, Griffin? That's right, you're gonna start doing a lot of stuff for me. Like what? Well, for starters, - you got more than one limo? - Yeah. You and me are gonna do a limo joust. What the hell is that? (ENGINES REVVING) All right, you ready? I don't want to do this. Go!

Luke! They let you out of jail? Not exactly. He broke out to see me, Brian. We're in love. Meg, are you crazy? You can't harbor a fugitive! That's a felony! Only if someone finds out. Are you gonna do it? Are you gonna tell on me again? Well, I... Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you...

All right, this is the place.

No, you're not. I am. And you know nothing of my work. Look at this, Lois. See? Right here.

And We're not stuck together anymore. Thank God! You said it. Do you Want to hold hands on the walk home? Yeah, sure. Oh, Susie! Thank God you're all right! Wait a minute. This isn't my little girl. Hey! That was my wife! tee, hee! tee, hee! I Know What You Did Last Summer?

And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to-- Uh-oh! Well, that was so nice. A good sermon and such beautiful songs. Yeah, It was just like that other Jewish musical we saw.

Stop right there!

And then the boss is gonna say, "Hey, what are you doing there? "Oh, yeah, that's funny. I saw that in my room." "Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'" I am gonna be so humiliated. Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

You Andy Dufresne? A little bit. You? (LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you? I understand you make Star Wars figurines. Oh, Grievous. Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say? I don't know. Come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.

Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian. I've been having some trouble with mine, too. Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good. Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely. Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING)

Would you be interested in getting them together for a play date? Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea.

you were right. I don't. What purpose does my life have? I don't like when you talk like this. Oh, it's true, Stewie. Dogs are supposed to be able to instinctively live with purpose, not even to have think about it, just born like that. But I wasn't.

Peter, what the hell are you doing in that? Have you been drinking?

There. Now, we're going to do what we should have done in the first place. Get on.

What the hell is that creepy little thing?

CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

King mE. Um, hEy, Look over there! What?

What are you talking about? Joyce Kinney invited me out for drinks. So just order a pizza or something, okay? See you guys later. Man, I hate calling that pizza place. They don't speak English, and they always mess up the order. It's like trying to give my cell phone number to the housekeeper.

followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear, but somehow still in the race, is 'til Death. You named your horse 'til Death?

Who want little tiny tacos? Oh, little taco. I'll have one of those. (ALL GASPING) It's him! Sorry I took so long. I was going to the bathroom, and I just couldn't stop looking at my penis, 'cause it's, you know, so fantastic. You're a monster... Yeah, I heard it's fantastic. You're a monster, James Woods! You think you can just commit murder and get away with it? Quagmire loved that girl!

Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase. Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here, maybe Cleveland could join us. Yeah, it'd be just like old times. What do you say, Cleveland? Oh, I don't know. I've kind of got my own life now. All right, if you have a sudden change of heart,

(GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

and I know all the station passwords to do it. So, smell that finger, Quahog! Ooh, a drunk news report from Tom Tucker. We haven't had one of those since they canceled Passions. This should be good. Okay, our top story tonight, a local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion,

Oh, sorry. You know what? It's all right, Quagmire. That leg is mostly pus. Okay. Here it comes, James. Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those!

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty

What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross?

What is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? i need an adult! I need an adult!

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.

Luck let a gentleman see

Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty. yech.

Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00. I'm not really tired yet. Well, you had those three cups of NyQuil. You'll be down soon enough. Okay, good night, Mr. Herbert. Sweet dreams, Chris.

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring?

Hi. (GIGGLING) Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Munch-a. (CHUCKLES) Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says, "Property of Stewie Griffin"? Uh...

That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous.

What was that? Nothing. Stewie, leave Death alonE. He's ok. you know, He reminds me a lot of me at that age. I just hope his teen years go better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward.

What? Is that... Is that a recent film? They made three sequels! Yeah, well, in mine, the boy's got to gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father. That's one of the sequels! Well, well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese,

Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis.

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes. How much would you pay for laser eye surgery? $500, $700, $10,000?

Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love. Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies? Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.

What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right.

and I never made it out of the house. Who's to blame? Who's to blame? What's his name? We know his name His name is Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose Any game you play with him you lose So don't mess with Mr. Booze

All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone! That's impossible. She was still passed out on the couch when we left.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

(SIGHS) "I'm sorry, Byron. Missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is!

Welcome home, asshole!

I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper! (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity! What about Peter? Yeah, Peter next!

Peter, stop picking your teeth. We're at the Captain's table. And that was the first time I saw the northern lights at their peak. And as I gazed, astonished at their lustrous brilliance, I turned to my first mate and I said,

By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop.

Well, You've come a long way from hiding from the vacuum cleaner. Lois! Hey, buddy. Hey, How are ya, Alfred Hitchcock? Huh? Yeah? You like that one, Dick Hertz? Huh? I'm sorry. I'm already drunk. H-How did you guys know? I-- Jasper called. Brian, why didn't you tell us? I thought you'd be ashamed of me.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

You're cute. You're cute.

Uh, I was wondering if you'd, uh, d-do me the honor of, uh...

who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann-Margret? - Anybody I want? - Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me. Babs. My mother? Yeah. W-W-Why?

All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you! Well, I think your father found the perfect job. Let's hope so. I love being a good father,

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?

Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage. Oh, my God!

am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now. Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point? Ah! I've heard about that place.

I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no. Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was.

That's it. Then we'll be out of debt and on our way home. I suppose. I just wish we didn't have to borrow money from a loan shark. I mean, that guy seemed pretty serious. Okay, and just a couple of remaining items. Please indicate here if I look like a schmuck to you. I'm gonna say no. Great. Then please check here and initial there.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived. Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.

(SIGHS) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job! "Great job," so you know that phrase. What's that? What? What phrase do I know? Bill Maher! Whoo!

Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh!

You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I thought that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me? Oh, yeah. You can even see Tonya Harding's honeymoon video on there. I mean, it's gross, but it's, like, famous gross. You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on.

Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does. All right, here goes. Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful. (TOILET FLUSHES) (BOTH SCREAMING)

PETER: (LAUGHS) Look at Stewie. What a baby. Oh, no way. Hey, Chris, look. Is that Richard Dreyfuss? Oh, for crying out loud. PETER: Hey, Dreyfuss, where you going? Get back here. Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quahog? My nephew's in the play.

Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going. Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other.

Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.

Oh, damn my small stature! If I were big, oh, just think where I would be.

Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here! Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs. I wanna show you a freckle on my sack that I'm concerned about. It has irregular edges.

And now that she needs my support, here I am abandoning her. (GASPING) Oh, my God. Peter, I've made a terrible mistake. Well, that's what I tried to tell you, but you were as stubborn as a pigeon at an ad agency. (CHATTERING INDISCERNIBLY) Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, these are all good ideas,

Please welcome from the First Evangelical Church,

Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Ah, This is sweet!

Okay, look, I'm happy to do that. (STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just... Look, what I was saying... Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

now, Honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine. Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And He said it through a hole in his throat.

Evil monkey's gonna get me I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.

You Remember how good you felt after you had Chris? And they're off! Well then, giddy up.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do Hold it. Hold it. (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) What... What's going on here? - I'm pregnant. - You... - You're what? - Yeah.

but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he did to Meg yesterday. He made her watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python stuff that isn't funny or memorable.

Wow! Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen! Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, shoot! I forgot my umbrella. That's okay, honey. Come on over here. Thanks, dear. Sometimes it's good to be a freak. Do you want to sleep together later? No. Thanks, though.

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you.

All right, all We've got to do is find the American Embassy and They'll help us get home. Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog. Oh, You're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm. You really think that, don't you?

Ooh, you make me live now honey Ooh, you make me live

(PLAYING FIDDLE TUNE) Once we have the uniforms and credentials, Cleveland, Joe and I will board the plane posing as flight attendants. Once we are in the air, we drug the pilots, at which point Quagmire is forced to step in and land the plane safely, making him a hero.

Maybe someday we'll get married and you can go up on me. Neil, I wanna be your girlfriend. What? I was wrong to drive you away. We belong together. Of course, I'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me. You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that.

so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker! But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman.

Evidently, Lois Griffin, star citizen of Quahog, is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur. It just goes to show you never know what sort of person is living next door. Tom?

All right, look, let's just go. Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for Johnny.

Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony?

I'm sure you've been asked. What do you tell them? Who can forget? I remember just crying like a baby. Crying like a baby? Or crying like someone in college? Say, Brian, on her answering machine, how long after her message is the beep? Wow. This has just been a delight.

So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about. See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started. (COUGHS) Dad, I don't smoke. Sure, you don't now. But keep at it. You'll get the hang of it. By the end of that pack, you'll be smoking like a real pro.

- Peter! - Lois! You convinced me to keep a job I hate just so you could fly free? You know, If I talked real loud like that, I could make you look like the bad guy, too.

Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us. That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges.

PETER: Shut up, Meg. (CAWING) All right. Let's take a break. Your back's getting all sweaty. Sorry. Does that. All right. Now, let's go over what we've learned. Naked chicks. Best?

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!

Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall!

you know, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could. - (STUTTERING) Try to keep the saltwater... - Yeah. We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult. I know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, try. Yeah, okay, I'll try. - You want me to wipe your ass, too? - 0h, that's a helpful tone. I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing your powers a little bit, don't you think? Actually, this is all time that could be spent getting me my beverage.

Meg, help me get these down.

People are gonna miss me when I'm... (BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things. Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close.

Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible! Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out.

but so far you are a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington. Oh, man, this is the best party I have ever been to. Evening, everyone. I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings. - Would you like to join me, Peter? - Well, we are kind of partying here.

What the hell? I just-- I don't understand how he could do that without me. We were gonna do everything together! It was one cereal ad, Peter. Besides, he's the one who won the medal. Yeah, I guess. Coming to A.B.C.,

Hey, fuck you, man.

Hello, ladies. My name is Carter, and I require a tremendous amount of calcium. Carter, come here. Sit next to me. This is fun. We're having fun. Hey, what do you say we get some drinks? Hey, boy. Boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda, and three Myrna Loys for the women. - (WOMEN GASP) - Excuse me? What the hell is your problem, you jerk?

I'll lull you into a false sense of security like those network television announcers. CHIRPY ANNOUNCER: Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family, Mama 's got more than she can handle with the in-la ws in town. DRAMATIC ANNOUNCER: A deadly fire could spell death for a honeymoon couple on an all-new Hotel.

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth.

Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

So, what? She's like your mom or something? Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?

Okay, that one might have been more of a visual, but you feel that feeling you got right now? That's satisfaction. You just read something. And no one can take that away from you. Proud of you.

I always envisioned how it would be. (BOTH LAUGHING)

What? Yeah. That's Stewie. Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgmenly. Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? Yeah. All right. You're free. Wow! Can you give me my job back? No. Yes. All right!

Excuse me? I said, "May I have a blanket?" Oh, yes. Of course. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes, so now it is official. Let me touch your face! Lois, we could use your help in Coach. Ok, e-everyone,

By the way, Bonnie... we just finished reading The Da Vinci Code at my book club. You were right. It's terrific. Let me guess. Some flowery, 300-page, menopausal masturbatory aid. I loved it. And the chapters are only about two pages long. So you feel really smart when you read it.

Joe? Sorry, I dialed the wrong number. I meant to call Cleveland. No, I just wanted to tell him something. No, I'd like to talk to you, too. It's just that-- Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland. I don't feel obligated. I want to.

Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat.

Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused.

So, the Griffins might be dead. How does that make you feel? Griffin, dead? I take. No, no, they might be dead. They also might still be alive. Is okay, I take.

How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine.

(CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.

Let the game begin!

- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

It's good to have land.

Sweetheart, when will you be back? I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me. Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father. We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you.

You're always pretty. Oh, you guys are so sweet. Well, it's my pleasure. Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye. (RETCHING)

Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule!

Oh, crap. Stewie! (STEAM HISSING) (GROANING) (SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.

Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light?

Ah, sorry. Thought I had more time. Hi, Daddy. Stewie's all ready. You boys have fun. There's my little guy. Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.

I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

The president's dog just had puppies!

Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory. How am I going to get it out? I'd have to poop a diaper into a diaper. That's how you end up in another dimension. Gee, that's rough. I need a friend, Brian,

And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities. Holy crap! They're all so... small. Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries. Sign me up, Jack, and give me the biggest freakin' gun you got.

Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over. Peter, she knows she untied her bikini. Women don't forget those things. Well, will you go over there - and pour a cold drink on her back? No. Will you go over there behind her - and yell, "Fire drill"? No. Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple? All right, fine.

Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine,

I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions?

Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it. Ahh! Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that?

so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try. Poor Meg.

But one of us is gonna have to distract Nigel. Oh, no, no, No. I couldn't. But What about Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down with the swirl.

Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall.

ANNOUNCER: Hey, Brenda, what’Ve you got for me? Coffee? Damn, your ass looks hot. Is this thing on? f don 't care. f want them to hear. Oh, Chris, my baby. I told you, Peter. I never should have let him out of my stomach. I can't believe Chris got married. This is bigger news than when I toured Europe... with that musical rendition of My Left Foot.

Oh, Kent, what are we gonna do? With the Earth destroyed, we're the only two humans left. Well then, it looks like we need to start repopulating.

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?

This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard. Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now? You don't do the budget, Terry. I do. Hey, I'm gonna do some crosswords, but that doesn't mean I don't want to talk. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're gonna look so handsome. Ugh, Look at these crow's feet. My God! You stay up past 7:30, and you pay for it in the morning. Who the hell does Brian think he is? Well, Maybe he thought we'd get in the way. I mean, It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns.

Greetings, loyal minions.

No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger. (GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it.

Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain

And what a sweet ass.

Tracy? Tracy Flannigan? Oh, my God, Brian Griffin, is that you? Yeah, it's me. And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time.

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

You're funny. I like you, Chris. I like you too, Sam. Want to poke him? Do I? You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free. I don't know Brian. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

(BIRDS CHIRPING) ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Blind Justice. (ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife.

Nerd! Randy! Peter, I think one of us should go over and have a talk with Kyle's parents. I'll do it, Lois. Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store-brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry, the Tiger. They're food!

Brian, AA's been around for years. It's helped a lot of people get over their addiction. No, it hasn't. They've just traded one addiction for another. Their life goes from being all about drinking to being all about AA. The only difference is, when it's all about drinking, they're more fun. Well, like it or not, you got to stick it out for 30 days.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show. How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian? (ALL CHEERING)

Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night.

Well, I should probably be saddling up now. Oh, Found the fire door. Oh! Look at how fat you are.

Oh, God, I'm so excited for gay sex. Me, too. Your body makes me so horny. Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs.

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois. The sun revolves around me. I'm the one who's got to go to court tomorrow. Peter, isn't there anything I can do to talk you out of this lawsuit? Hey, I was violated sexually, and that man is going to pay. And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer.

How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin? Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm a very open-minded person, and I've never had any problem with gays before, but something about two gay people getting married, I just don't think it's right. Well, these questions are too big to be decided by human beings.

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car.

PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes. LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah.

You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words. Check out my penis! (GASPS) Oh, my God.

So all we got to do is bring the skull back home and bury it. What are you doing? You said you were using the skull as an athletic cup. I was, but don't you remember, I threw it in the garbage? Oh. - So, you're not wearing it now? - No. That's, uh, pretty much just me you're grabbing.

It was quiet. It was quiet. Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately.

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

Every last electrolyte Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where there ain't no cellulite Where there ain't no cellulite And we'll drink ourselves insane And we'll drink ourselves insane Until we're feeling Until we're feeling

how can you possibly have a 13-year-old son when you yourself are only seven? Well, those are dog years. That doesn't make any sense. You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the Internet and complain.

It's... (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

I get tired when I stand.

Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad. So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland? Pretty good. I made a spaceship... Wait a minute. I'm not talking to you. Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room. It stinks in here.

Mom, you could be a world champion, and no one could hit you below the belt because girls don't have anything down there. Can you teach me to kick ass? Oh, No. I do not condone violence. And I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools. Gee, Lois. Can you--Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s? Oh, That was lame.

Hey, Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him his grandmother was just trying to work me over?

She's right. You gotta stand up for yourself like my great-grandfather Turn-of-the-Century Take-on-All-Comers Griffin. All right. Put 'em up. Put 'em up. Are you having a bully day? I'm having a bully day. Is everyone having a bully day? Bully. Bully. Yes, bully. Oh, thank God we live in this time.

Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake. Come on, Meg. We can be like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Just get on. (SIGHS)

Well, I've killed seven, but the point is you might feel better if you just confess to what you've done.

Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!

Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck. Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college,

He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change.

I'm here to bargain for Han Solo and the rest of my friends. What's your price? Master Luke, be careful! You're standing on... Threepio, please. Whatever you have to say cannot possibly be as important as this conversation. But you're standing on a trap door, and if Jabba pushes the button... (ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say? But there's a trap door right under your feet! There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open,

You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar. Chewie, get away from... (EXCLAIMS) How are we going to get out of here? Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

Well, because I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive. I don't know when to cross the street. And I took a dump in the church confessional... which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless.

Cleveland, sit down.

I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe?

I demand to know why you insist on taking me everywhere you go! I mean, Really! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself? Great party, Griff. Girls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks. Oh! I meant, have a Cheese Doodle. But... whatever. It's a party.

The final plague is the death of the first-born son. Oh, No! Stewie! The first-born son. Meg. Your wife. Chris! Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No!

But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I just need to catch my breath. I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy. I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand.

Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING) Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming.

(CRUNCHING SOUND) Ow! Son of a bitch!

But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys! You're no match for the '90s black guys!

Settling in, loving my wife But then I got that letter My black son, my black son Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did

I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

So? So just Refund this man's money and we'll be on our way. I don't have your money! How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler.

I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

Peter, this is ridiculous. You're going to be fine. Dad, the doctor called. Your test results are in.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look.

Go! Come on, you guys. Do it with me. Go bananas. Yeah! (SHOUTING) Whole body, Joe. Whole body. Come on. Go bananas.

Some very angry, sexual things. Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere. Damn them. (STUTTERING) Well, that's the thing. I mean, there's only two phones in the... Well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago.

Very well then. If I can't stop them from the outside, I'll stop them from the inside!

Boy, great party, huh, Fred? Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this.

Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction - that drastically alters the present. Really? No, you can do whatever you want. Come on.

It still works, even though it's got a lot of Civil War brains all over it. Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good. Bye, Otis!

Sorry about that.

Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us! Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here! No one's out there, Brian. They would have come in. Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What?

But Mom-- Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party. And that includes you. Understood? I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter! She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt." I--I don't think I'm in the right place.

Hey, slut, get me out of this. Hello there, Yusuf. Hey, Stewie! What can I get you? Just a little of the good stuff for a new time machine return pad. Coming right up. So, how's the whole terrorism thing going? Well, the good news is my son died in a car bombing.

Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

I don't get it. The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me. Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own. Now, see, that's what people hate. Really? I'm telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be. Wow, it's so obvious. Thanks, Daddy. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.

Okay, I dare you to make out with Joe for 15 seconds. What? No way. (EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION) You got to. It's a dare. - That's the game. - That's the game. Okay. What the hell. I'm an open-minded person. Yeah. So am I. No big deal. Just my body. Oh, my God! They're going to do it! Oh, I got to take a picture.

He's a family guy

Well, Peter, you start like this. Like this? Yeah. Now add a little turn and do a buck and wing. Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing.

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

Yes, I like farts

All right, start the torture. (WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off! (HAN SCREAMING)

Hello. You're... You're beautiful. So you got to meet me. Are we gonna do this or what? Listen, I... I got to be honest with you. I am not, in fact, the president of Hot Wheels. And I also lied about the giant chef's hat. I do not have one. Mmm-hmm. Well, the small lies don't matter.

Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot.

Sometimes, it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes, we should cherish what we already have. Like a very special friendship. Let's say like the one you and I share that someone like me wouldn't change for anything in the world.

I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers.

Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying! Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.

Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous.

Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here. Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day.

You people are a circus.

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID." Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy.

I can't move it. This is a crime scene. Well, can you describe it to me? You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay? Oh, no. Just.... Just let me close my eyes for a minute.

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous,

Ask how the Queen of England is. - How's the Queen-- - She's great.

Let me give you my home number again just in case you lost it. Voicemail is full. Da m n. Package for Brooke Roberts. Oh, that's me. Thanks. BRIAN: Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so f got you this answering machine.

He would travel from place to place, putting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home.

Publicity's what keeps this franchise running, Brian. We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby. Now you will get ready for the zim-zam and the babbity-bibbity. And you will take off your clothes like voo and voom!

All right, past. Here I come. Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em.

Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed.

This doesn't make any sense. If you're so smart, why do you hide it? Come on, Brian. You know America doesn't like smart people. They elected Bush twice. Yeah, once, but... So this whole persona is just a publicity stunt? Publicity's what keeps this franchise running, Brian. We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby.

Look, I'm going to do a rally.

Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive. Bring it on!

(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

All the greatest... All the greatest moments of my life, I spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word. Bart jumping that canyon. Mr. Plow. All the greatest moments of my life. Why is Label Guy trying to punch me?

Don't you think it's kind of weird that he's in kindergarten and he's still hanging around kids our age? Hey! We are very lucky. Oh! Here I go!

(LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING)

Chris, what are you doing in my room? Nothing. Yes, you were. You were putting something in my drawer. What's this? (SIGHS) Look, Meg, I know you've been having a hard time lately, so I wanted to give you something that means a lot to me. MEG: Oh, I remember this.

Ok, they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening.

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night. It's a comedy that's too good to be funny. Dude, you're trippin'.

They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there. You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)

but I think I might have left the weed whacker on.

ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing! Oh, boy! We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois.

like a rare gemstone or the herniated scrotum of an older gentleman. Well, I think you've been wonderful. Like when you took her to that new movie, I'm Rich, and You're Poor, but Let's Dance Together. I'm rich, and you're poor, but let's dance together. Society won't like it. I don't care. Good for you. Good for you.

Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

(PAPER RIPPING) Thank you. What the... Hey, let's see what else we got here.

Ugh! Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

Why are you wearing makeup? (GASPING) Chicken pox! Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare. You swore on the seesaw. (LAUGHING)

Peter, we've had complaints from all over town. You're gonna have to stop with the kicking.

And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's only making it worsE!

I don't need to. Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh? I just wanna make sure you got everything you need. - Hey, you like Pez? - Sure. Hey, who's putting together a puzzle? 'Cause I just found a hot piece.

Lois, what the hell were you doing out there?

Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up, what more is it going to take?

Wow, Adam. I just have to tell you, I'm having a terrific time.

(CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING)

The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! Welcome, apprentices. It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best,

Ok! Are you happy? I've never been happy.

Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

For example, you're all shooting up. Why not share needles? That's a no-brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. My second piece of advice, have as many kids as you can, 'cause that makes it more likely that one of those kids will grow up and make it big in Hollywood. Then who's paying the bills, huh? Hollywood kid.

What? All he said was "black chick." Yeah, I know. But your boyfriend looks like a typical angry black guy.. I didn't want to offend him. Hey, we cool, "G"? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? All right! I, uh, I was thinking Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp counselor all the kids want to "get with."

(RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg. I'm not gonna sit here and take this. I'm the only one in this family who has a job. Yeah, like she'd get paid for that. What did he just say to you? Nothing, there was... Well, it's like if you were...

Oh, yes! Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING)

I'm shipping you out on the first boat to the New World! But I'm supposed to get married today. Oh, Yeah? Where are you going for your honeymoon? That medium-sized hill. Wrong! Seize him!

(SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me! Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh?

Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove?

Tom Selleck. Leia. Luke. Turn the ship around. I know where Luke is.

Open this door! Open it, I say! Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, You might want to give that a minute or 2. I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell!

It's about damn time!

Hey, Meg. I heard what happened. Yeah, Kent hates me now. You made a mistake. I know you feel terrible, but you're not a bad person, Meg. You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so.

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset.

Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis.

Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do....

I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz We don't know what Christmas is! We have something else called Gishgemfloofneer! All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!

All right, now what do I click? Click "preferences."

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.

Oh, And what if I do? I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress. You said there was no film in that camera! Come on, Stewie. It's time to change your diaper. Uh, Mind if I watch?

Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale.

MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

Look, since these are our final hours, I want you kids to know how much your father and I love you and how important this family is to us. Oh, I'm scared. I wonder what it's like to die. I don't know, but from the look in a stray cat's eyes when you're pushing on its windpipe, I think it's pretty terrifying.

What the hell? I killed you! I choke myself every day, you bastard. (SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! Take some action! Free the beast! Ha!

Regular life La, la, la, la, la, la... (SCREAMS) And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer. People are gonna miss me when I'm... (BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things. Sometimes you just...

Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer.

Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!" Well, I do say that. Oh, The Old Man and the Sea.

I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go... (EMITS FARTING SOUND) Lois, don't worry about it. I got a bunch of great new shows lined up. STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine.

(GASPING) Oh, my God! Carolyn?

Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian. Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini.

Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience. Oh, Thank GoD! OH, Yeah, thank God.

Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!

For a pencil topper? I have to pee again.

Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian! Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here! I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead.

Um... I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Oh, God. I, uh, I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me, while I touched myself. Oh, come on. Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.

It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things. Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected.

Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow How was that, Dr. Ditty? Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all.

Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine.

Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who.

but I'll do anything to get my baby back. You know, Peter, we wouldn't have to be messing around with ghosts if you hadn't desecrated those Indian remains. Probably a bad time to mention I'm wearing the skull as an athletic cup. Okay, let's talk to some spirits. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing? Y'all got a little friend of ours named Stewart up there.

and it swelled up to the size of a Ping-Pong ball? Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years. Oh, three years? You mean like the three years you have left on this planet? Oh, that's nice.

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." (SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of uS.

Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three?

Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility, Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail?

I wanna be there for you, Meg. I love you. Will you marry me? Yes! Of course! Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering.

A pencil and a speed sign! I did it! I'll be right back. Heh. A couple of teeth and some toenail clippings, and we'll be ready for our date! Um, hey-- Hey Carol? Um, since--Since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts? Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts? He's half your size.

Chris, who are you talking to? Grandma. Oh, no! What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. Oh, Lois, again? That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on. Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really?

Hey, Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.

Let's have a round of applause for our first performer. There's no moustache like my father's moustache That's the biggest moustache in town Play me off, Johnny.

And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.

I did it! I got a great story! So, What did your editor say? He was gone for the day. I just left it on his desk. But here. I brought you a copy.

That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois. So you can watch the sea until I return. Go on, try it out. Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape?

Well, hel-Lois!

Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise?

Mrs. Griffin. What a nice surprise. Come in. Mr. Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home last night. Have you seen them? Oh. Wait, is he a great big fat person? He's a large man, yes, sir.

Oh, check out this uptight Asian guy. Look at that. (SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY) "I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)

Peter, Creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school?

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you!

Name's Mario. Got any idea where he could be?

Um, i--I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit but, um, i--I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Um, i-It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's just, i--I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know?

Okay. I'm seeing something. Joe, you were an octopus. Yes! Yes, this is so awesome! Damn it! Oh! That's so cool! That's so cool! Do me next.

Mom! I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin. I have no idea what got into my son. Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine. Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here.

N-n-Now, kids, don't be taken in by The Man. Stay black and proud. Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians. Cool. And here's a picture of-- Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one. W-w-Wait. What was that? Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that!

""I'm a slutty cancer survivor." Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up. Quack, quack. Oh! My little ducky. You look so adorable.

Have you ever read anything I've written? Well, no, I haven't. But I've read things other people have written about the things you've written, and I do not approve of the things I've read from others about the things they've read from you. Not one bit, sir.

In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT.

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself. Honey, I'll be right there. By all means, take your time. Oh, and When you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston!

Who's Steve? What? There's a message on the machine from somebody named Steve. Oh, Yeah, Steve. Um,

Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS) All right, Peter, this is a tough one. All right, are you ready for this? Okay.

Joe, what happened? I got the money. All right, Joe! But I lost the perp. Well, the money's the important thing. Now little Paul can get his-- Point Break! That was the movie!

Okay. Prepare for itemized insults. A. Don't ever listen to me talk. You don't deserve my words. B. When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically. And C. You actually like High School Musical? What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room.

(SLICING) Yeah.

Must be a leap year. Ho-ho! Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy. (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

No, no! That's not what Mrs. Garrett's bosom looked like. It looked more like this. Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital. I just feel awful about this, Mayor West.

He's a family guy

Don't get too close. They say I'm dangerous. That's why the man's gonna put me down. Don't say that, Brian. Peter is working on your appeal. You'll see. Everything's gonna work out.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Who are all these people? Oh, just a few friends over to enjoy this gorgeous weather. Maybe take a dip in the pool. Hey, Devon, Devon, come here. Brian, this is Devon. Devon just finished directing a movie.

No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot.

I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye the sun has gone

Oh, Chris, in a few minutes, you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man. I could make a foreskin joke right now, but this is a solemn occasion. And Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back. Oh, I got so many of them, too! I--I know. i know. shh. But later!

He sure did. Who needs drugs when you can go to the dance with the coolest guy in School? Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain! It's true. Soon, members of the Math Club will be attaching themselves to your underbelly for transportation. Wait a minute. Peter, You can't take Meg to a school dance. H-How long do you think you can keep up this charade, anyway?

Neither of us is drunk. HEy, Knock it off! Oh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump! The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey. yeah, That's easy for you to say.

He wants to have sex with me so bad. (LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to. (LAUGHING)

DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

(LAUGHS) Okay, now fire at everybody else. Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional! I still don't get it. I'm 5. Bang, bang, boom, boom!

Oh, gosh! What a treat! Yes. Yes. I would like that.

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones.

news, What news?

We are gonna have such a fun time. Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling!

You even cried after Columbine. Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy. Whatever. It's just weird, you know? I mean, you're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun. Well, that's why I keep it here, where it's safe. That doesn't make any sense. Why have it if you're not gonna use it?

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?

What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold!

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley... and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.

Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give

Hi, Brian. Wow! Hi. That's beautiful. What was that? It's Mozart's Violin Concerto Number One in B-Flat. "Plato's Symposium." This yours? Oh, yeah. It's pretty worn out. Yeah. I've read it, like, 100 times.

I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--

Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station. Oh, uh. My--My blind guy's in the john. I'll point him in your direction. Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing. Double fault!

Oh, i--I'm sorry. No, th-that was good. I just, i--i didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it. Well, how--How would you read it? Oh, I don't know. I was thinking of doing it, you know, good, like--like an actor. But, you know, y-your way's good, too.

"Please save my dog."

Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

Miley Cyrus is an android! Of course. She's a product of Disney Imagineering. They built a perfect robot teen idol. Yes, assuring that she could never fail. Like famous duelist, Sir Henry "Giant Hole in the Torso" Wickenshire.

Go away, damn you.

The Skull and Bones Society has been a part of my family for decades, and we want you to become a member. - Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent. You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet. You'll be kept as healthy as a horse.

What? What? By who? All right, fine, fine! I'll try it, you bastard! Now step onto the return pad. Now brace yourself. Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality. (BEEPING) (MACHINE ZAPPING)

Well, hi there, Brian. How's it going, Adolf? I'll have you know my grandparents died in the Holocaust. (CHUCKLING) No, I'm just joking. They were there, though. This whole place just feels like a warm blanket. I'll show you to our daycare facility shortly. But first, let's have a look around.

It's a soccer horn. I know what it is!

You know, Brian, Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids. Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow.

- Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous. Peter, we have to do something. We're losing our daughter. I'm worried about what's happening to her. Lois, this is the kind of thing... that always resolves itself if you just ignore it, all right? What's more important is we're living the sweet life.

you know, I wasn't when I came in. But isn't that so funny? I'm getting there. Yeah. Same here.

There. You have earned that. (STUDENTS CHATTERING) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

On a Friday evening? I don't think we're going to have any luck till Monday. Besides, probably not a lot of mechanics around here.

I love you for all that you are... (INDISTINCT WHISPERS) ...in spite of the fact that your people control a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth, and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem?

Oh, my God. Stephanie was an accident. That's a way of putting it. What do you mean, Joe? This gun was timed to fire directly at that chair, where James Woods would have been sitting.

Freedom! Get ready to die! Huh? Hmm. I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts!

Mahmoud, you're under arrest. Look, Joe, I drove a van. (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're okay. Oh, me too, Lois. That was some pretty rough stuff. Oh...

No, you were going to say you love me. You love me, and you know it. Hey, hey, mouth, young lady. Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? (RAZZING) Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg! (FARTS) Uh-oh.

And as beautiful as your words are,

Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat. I'm really sorry about this, honey.

- Guess what? I'm a witch. - Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan.

Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this. It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall. BRIAN: I have very good hearing! He's awful.

I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)

Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed Just the women!

There's got to he a morning after We 're moving closer to the shore llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow

Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT.

You may begin your exam now. MALE VOICE: A dog says.... A cow says.... Of course, of course.

One of these planes must be going to London. Queue up, children. Spit-spot. Here are the tickets, miss. These are all ours. Thank you. Spit-spot, Albert Hall, meat and 2 veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark 5, Spam and eggs, a baby's arm holding an apple. Pip pip, cheerio!

(CRYING) I don't know who any of you are anymore!

Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all!

(SHUSHING) That's okay. I'll show you. Just follow my lead.

Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap!

Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

And since we can't spend all our time making rules, I think that we should elect some people to represent us,

Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man. - They just came out of the trees. - You saved my ass back there. You saved mine. - Here's to Snap. - To Snap.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) - Get Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Good evening, everyone. I want to thank you all for joining me at this very important event. Animals are treated as second-class citizens everywhere throughout this nation.

And take me dancing tonight This is a joyous occasion. You've engaged the entire tribe in dance. According to our customs, you're now married to my daughter. I couldn't be happier. Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all.... What?

Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes. Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.

And if this is what you want, we as a family support your decision.

My hair is growing Growing all the time Look how sensitive I am 'Cause my voice is so fine

Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do? Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours? Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry.

Sorry. And every other school we've tried just doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris.

Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish! So come on down to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday!

What? I say he dead. Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead! The Colonel!

She's a beautiful little girl, Glenn. Have you given her a name yet? Yeah, I named her Anna Lee, but I'm probably just gonna call her Annal for short. That's funny. Thank you. Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff.

Splendid. That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little... There! See what you made me do?

He's minding the fence, making sure that guy never comes back. Uh... You know, if it weren't for the devil, God'd probably go insane, blow his brains out from boredom, you know? Everybody likes to feel useful. Maketh the world go round.

Grandpa Griffin? Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears? Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."

I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment.

Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU--

They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband.

You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy.

Morning, Mr. griffin. Nice day. Ah, It's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie. I hate this tie. It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go. And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. But I'm the president.

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too.

(YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else?

I'm gonna lose everything! Oh, Gosh, Mort, I feel terrible about this. I wish there was some way we could fix it. You know, my cousin had the same problem, but he lucked out, 'cause his business burned to the ground. The insurance made him a very rich man. (CHUCKLES) Too bad we can't just torch the pharmacy. Aw, come on, no, we can't do that. That'd be like stealing from the insurance companies.

Well, you seem like a nice guy. Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone.

That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off! Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you?

Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands

Well, At least the T.V. gets decent reception. Ha! Must be some kind of nature show. Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off! Ahh! Great! We're here 5 minutes, and Dad gets mauled by a rodent. This place is horrible.

What are you saying? The revelation, jackass! It could have helped you save your marriagE. OH! But too late. Oh, And, uh, by the way, when the lightning hit you, you soiled yourself. Enjoy.

Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself. What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill, but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark. I'm right back where I started. Well, sounds like we need another loan shark.

Oh, it's so great to see you kids. Here, I brought you all gifts from Texas. Meg, this is a bar of soap with a scorpion in it. Stewie, this is a lollipop with a desert spider in it. And, Chris, this is a comb made out of an armadillo shell.

Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves. We're going to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie? Bobby Darin tomorrow. This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here. Hey, You're on our turf, man! Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.

"anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL." BOTH: Oh! Oh! Oh! No, no, no, come on, now, come on. Jeez, it's just pages and pages of stuff about this Kent guy. She's really obsessed with him. Well, obsession's not such a bad thing. It got us the first printing press. You're a whore, Sheila, and I'm gonna make sure everybody knows it!

Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.

I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Fuck. (SNORING)

Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad. (PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

Hey, Lois, can you grab me a be-- Oh, my God! You've really let yourself go! Well, Maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while! PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?

No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! Hey, Brian. You want to play tag?

(HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) - What was that? I don't know, (SNIFFS) but suddenly it smells like John Popper in here. That was me. I got musical farts. (HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) Holy crap, this is awesome. I will not allow this opportunity to go to waste.

What the hell are you talking about? Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met. Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more.

Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder. Help! Help us! Oh, my God!

(MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

She's hot. All right, last call, fellows. It's closing time. Oh, crap! I'm not even half-buzzed. Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road? Fine by me. Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway. They had one on last night where the girl had a butt-face, but her breasts was immaculate.

Sir, we've got a man down. Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something. Shoot me. Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this.

But they won't be. (LOUD CHEERING) And now a few words from Lois Griffin herself. Thank you so much for coming, everyone, and thank you for always cheering me on at all my fights. WOMAN: Hey, Griffin! (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson!

Hey, hey You guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it bE? Mariel Hemingway. Aw, Come on. Really? ThAt's Not a good choicE. She's so jagged. No, No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way. yeah, But you could cut a roast on her faCE. I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER?

You see, just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you. I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative. My husband died of cancer last year. Oh, my God! Awesome. Okay, I'm sensing some other bad stuff. My daughter was just in an accident. Sweet! High-five! (GASPS) You're awful.

You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god.

(SKIDDING TO A HALT) Don't you worry, sad little girl. The A-team will get your beloved kitty down. Ready, boys?

Peter, come help decorate the Christmas tree. One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk.

Chris, honey, can I talk to you? Oh, my God, he's gone! That means this room is mine now. I am gonna party my ass off in here. Great pot, Stewie. Yeah, I got it from our cleaning lady's boyfriend. It's okay, though, 'cause she's gonna use the money to get a mammogram.

I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

Oh, Wow! A real movie set. Hey, This house looks kind of familiar. I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian! All right, Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from...

I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go.

And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium.

It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right. Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me. Sweetie, you really gotta... Looks like David Tua. You've really got to stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves. Well, you know what will ease your stress?

Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

(GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable. Like the stock photos on a corporate website. WOMAN: I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.

Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed!

Wait, you managed to hunt down eight dogs that were born years ago on a farm in Texas, and you can't manage to get Hannah Montana tickets? That's what I said.

Hey! You get just a few more of those.

My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed.

Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire.

Damn it all! Shh! Sorry! Sorry! Hey, Shut up! Keep it down! Look, there's nothing I can do, all right? Take it outside, pal! Ever Heard of a sitter?

Ah, The toast is ready. I'll get it, Lois. There you go. Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table.

Feed master. Peter, what the hell? For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant. "I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand.

My God, I haven't felt that alive in years. Rupert, you know, I think perhaps I may be one of those people who gets a jolly out of being hit. Stewie, there you are. Mommy is so sorry she hit you. I promise I will never lay a hand on you again.

Yeah! Way to go, Joe! Yeah! How do you like that, buddy? A sphincter says what. What? You stupid bastard.

Oh, my God. This one time, we got so baked... we ended up eating all the food the World Health Organization... had airlifted in. Man, those villagers were so pissed. They tried to chase us, but let me just say, thank God for polio. Anyway, my point is that.... ls Peter here? I want to re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out.

and I'm sure you'll feel much better about it. STEWIE: (DISTANTLY) She says that to Meg a lot, so that's not good. You're probably right. (SIGHING) Oh, well. I guess I just better go call all my friends and tell them the wedding is off.

Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety.

What the hell does "rant" mean? It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians. (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa! Whoa! Copernicus, why don't you navigate yourself to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt? Hey, Peter, how was your golf game?

What the hell is he talking about?

(EXCLAIMING) Help! Somebody get this baby off me! Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies! I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us!

Change it to Fox News! It's time for Rhonda Latimer. (SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) Again, Peter?

David Schwimmer? Yeah, hey. What are you gonna ask the don for? World peace. Number 34! 3-4! Right here! Peter, my good friend. How good of you to come and show your respect on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.

So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up. DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap.

had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Uh--uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.

(CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels!

(GRUNTS) These rapids are treacherous. We should reach calmer waters by nightfall. Uh-oh, earthquake! - Hey, come on! - Careful! Damn it. Why is he still with us? I know! Until now, walking to the other end of the United States seemed like such a good job. (ENGINE STARTING)

Dad, stop. Leave him alone. Father, what are you doing? I am going to kill that man. That man is my girlfriend Meg. (PETER CHUCKLES) This is against everything our people stand for. Will you listen to me for one moment? You were so worried about these outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me.

Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay... Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Dad, Mr. Herbert called me thunder thighs. Oh, you did it. Thank you!

Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, trust me. How many times have I done this before? All right, but be careful.

I don't know what we're afraid of Nothing would change if we made love So I'll be your friend

Ok, well I'm gonna go ahead and do Kermit the FroG. Mom, this is so lame. Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break!

Hope you like Roman Holiday. I lied. I was a princess the whole time. You bitch! I'm gonna punch you in the face! That was a lovely dinner. I saved all my scraps in a bag for you. Thanks. You know, Lois, I'm sure you've already figured this out,

What the hell is that? (ENGINES REVVING) All right, you ready?

(CROWD SCREAMING)

What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

WEll, That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment.

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit. - You traitor! - That's a doozy. I bet some of those awful kids at school call you zit-face. - No. - Pop-a-zit. - No. - Puspeak. - No. - Fat ass?

You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING)

Okay, you're good to go. Pull over up here. Please, Mahmoud, don't do this. It is too late. The job must be done. Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America.

Stewie and Brian are taking a train home. Jeez, Can we not talk about curtains for 2 seconds? I got another one of those relationship tapes. $49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE. Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. I--I mean, nickels and boobs. Money. I'll be upstairS.

The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

Peter was supposed to meet us here an hour ago. I hope he didn't change his mind. Maybe he's already here. Maybe he's fitting in so well we can't tell him from the other bluebloods.

No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that. But, Dylan, my God!

Well, look, we'd be happy to help in any way we can. Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen. And those two bums turned to me and said, "You're not funny, Peter." In my own house! Well, what was the bit?

Hey, while I'm at it, give me all these copies of Marie Claire. You know, in case I want to rub out that easy one... before I get Lois into bed tonight. Kathleen Turner's on Page 45. Kathleen Turner, huh? Let's see how she looks. Oh, that's a shame.

I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?

Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain.

Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius...

Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore. Cigarettes are bad!

Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.

Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time.

Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

My God! They're everywhere!

Oh, Sandy! Ohhh... Sandy? Oh, Not again. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Or am I?

Yes, boss. (LAUGHS) Ew. Seems kind of racist, doesn't it?

Give me my keys, Horace! I'm going to see my boss! But, Peter, you're drunk! Horace! You're right. This is more important. (TIRES SCREECHING) Angela! Open up in there!

Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich. Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything. Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough.

It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. I want to share the word of God with everyone I know, starting with my family. Now, everyone hold hands, because we're gonna say grace before we eat. Dad, would you like to do the honors? Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine. All right, Peter, this is it.

I shall miss you, too, sir. PETER: With no one to look after, Carstairs fell into a deep depression from which he never emerged. He died two weeks later. Some say of a broken heart. What, sir? But that was Carstairs.

PETER: Damn it. He already started. If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird. He'll be all done, and I'll still be here. Come on, Peter. Pee. Your dad fought in World War II,

Mr. Darth, you no have no more Windex on Star Destroyer. Well, that's not my problem. Why don't you go out and buy some? No. No, you buy. What if I give you the money, then you can go out and buy it? No.

Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

WOMAN: Radio DJs at local events MAN: Next week, The Boat Show. (BOAT WHISTLE BLOWING) (OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted. MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch.

None of them be missed That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby.

There's no point in fighting anymore. We'll leave quietly.

I'll make you a hamburger.

But this Saturday is the Pewterschmidts' annual "Bring all your cash and put it in our safe" party. Considering the guest list, there could be as much as $40 million. But we only need $20,000. (SIGHS) All right, look, I'll be honest with you. My father-in-law has treated me like crap for almost 20 years, and it's time for a little payback.

Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her!

It's the greatest story ever told, Meg. A story that goes back over a hundred years. Yay, Star Wars! No, Chris. It's the story of Christmas and the Immaculate Conception.

Lois! Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end. I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer.

(SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Got it! We'll rob a train. Love it.

Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble.

Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific. Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling.

And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING)

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual. Where the hell are those purchase orders? Yeah, it's this bum hand. I can't type with it. Well, that's not my problem. I need to see some improvement by the end of the week, - or you're finished. - Don't worry, I'll figure something out. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly.

Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick!

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck!

My God, that's amazing! You are so talented. Huh? Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony.

You suck donkey ass. Now you can't prove that.

Oh, No. I do not condone violence. And I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools. Gee, Lois. Can you--Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s? Oh, That was lame. Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. I think he's really upset. Gather around, everybody.

Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive? Boy, I sure am happy to be back. Yeah, Peter, we thought we'd lost you for good.

You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke.

Merry Christmas, dude.

(COCKS GUN) I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.

Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!

"Eviscerate the proletariat."

Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn?

Your Holiness, this is such an honor. Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home! Peter, What is the Pope doing here? Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy. You kidnapped the Pope? peter, This is the most reckless thing you've ever done!

Okay, bye. (RETCHING) Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.

The country's changed, that is, except the South and You'll agree No one really knows, my dear lady friend just quite how it all will end

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING)

Wanker! Right, quite right. Spot on. He's got it. I say, a lot of people have turned out to see the Queen. Should make for a grand day. Hey, watch it there.

Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work. Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father.

Oh, uh, uh, We must be early. Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists. Permission to freak out? Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.

PETER: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over. All right, did you get the parking validated?

Really? yeah, A trip like this is just what I need to clear my head. Well, That would be wonderful. It'll give me time to catch up on my reading. Oh, Usually there are so many distractions. Come into my home, will ya?

You folks got a towel? Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight? Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune? People! People! Stop this craziness! The critic from the Providence Journal is here. If he gives us a good review, the doors are gonna fly open! Now, go get 'em, my little sillybillies! All right, Let's just get through this.

Uh, pardon me. I just bought a rottweiler and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is. Well, we have exactly what... Ah, yes, here it is, "One way." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out. In a body bag from dog injuries. Good day, ma'am.

All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.

J.Crew outlet store. Oh, my God! Awesome! Space summer is right around the corner.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking-on-the-street paws.

I haven't heard that much applause since Bob Crane premiered his home movies in my closet. (PETER LAUGHS) All right, let's play the Feud.

Which means I'm losing billions in timber dollars. I had to sell my Bangles records.

Very well, Solo, if you won't talk, we have very effective means of torture. Whoa! Well, I don't want to be tortured. All right, Luke's on Dagobah, there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk, and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.

The only food I have is the rest of this York Peppermint Pattie, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them. ...of being on a frozen mountaintop! Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend...

Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm. Your father. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed. Ooh! How deliciously evil looking! It's like something out of Stephen King!

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the--

Hey there. I don't wanna come between you. Or do I? Oh, that's awful. That's awful.

We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be. (BOTH LAUGHING) I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day. Don't frolic too much, Rupert. Save some energy for the hula contest.

You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People.

But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No. - Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No. If I can get some guys you want to play Red Rover? No. Maybe. You get the guys first. We'll talk about it.

Oh, my God! They're eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. That's crazy. They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.

Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two!

(GASPS) Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help.

Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter. What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No. - Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No. If I can get some guys you want to play Red Rover? No. Maybe. You get the guys first. We'll talk about it.

What's in there? It feels cold. That place is strong with the dark side. But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead.

She's probably dead now. Life's funny sometimes.

Well, thanks to no gravity in space my spine stretched, and I am now a confident 6'3", so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman. Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

Because you touch yourself at night. Here. This'll make you feel better.

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy

And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son. Whose pickle is this?

Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well.

Dad, you're pretty, like a girl. You look like a totally different person. Oh, This is crazy! You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your... Oh, my! I--I liked you the way you were. You're not even real anymore. You're-- Peter, Did you get a new buttocks? I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

I did it! I'm going to be on TV! Did you kill the others? - I shan't! (SIGHS) - You must. I'm going to go talk to the statue in the basement. Did you kill the painting? This place is a nuthouse. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Big night, Brian. How you feeling? Well, a little nervous. I just want it to go well. Fingers crossed. Will there be an intermission? Because that will determine whether or not I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater. TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go. They didn't put masking tape over a seat for Tom Tucker and he's in there pitching a fit. Do you know who I am? I'm Tom Tucker, damn it!

(INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it!

Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief. Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you.

PETER: Brian, look what I found! Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis!

That was awesome, Dad! Oh, my God! I just realized that's the same Jesus as the Jesus from church! That's a beautiful story, Peter, about people coming together to form something greater than themselves. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yes, can I help you? Hi. We're from out of town and our car just broke down. My wife's in labor. Can we use your phone?

You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!

(ALL SCREECHING)

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42. All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit.

I'll take it! Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea. I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations. Aw, That's a small price to pay.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG) (SCATTING) Get out of here.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody.

No, I can't do that.

I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe,

- Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe. Yeah. Nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.

Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready. This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond. Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!

STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe.

I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt. Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here.

Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source, for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case. Now we're here, where the hell's our host?

Road House. That was awesome, and its message is timeless. Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking.

Like my great-great uncle Ulysses S. Griffin. Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Yeah! Woo! How's that, Robert E. Lee? All right, no more slaves. But we still don't have to read books! Deal. Yeah! Woo!

(ALL SHOUTING) Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul.

We know we're gonna puke, but Joe says, "Hey, let's go see Chronicles of Riddick." Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Peter one, Jesus zero. You know, Jesus, if I go get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just want to stick this up her ass.

It's cool. Too cool for you! No, no. I--I think it's right where I'm at. Out of my way! Oh, I see. Yes, yes, i--I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait right here till you get back. Where the devil is he?

Night. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I thought you... I didn't think this was a date. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed! Hey, it's 10:30! I suggest you take your dope and go elsewhere! I'm sorry, Meg. I think you're great, and I love hanging out with you, but there's something you should know. I'm gay.

I got to talk to Mr. Pupenchest here.

Oh, Damn! I say, I seem to have sewn a shoe to my hand, may I go to the nurse? Replace him!

I was spared death, but I was given hard labor. He made me sort the camp recyclables. But some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR)

Oh, my God. Dad's a chick.

I peed and pooped.

All right, Bri, this is it, our first town. I'm gonna head for that roof. Why are we tilting? Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay?

I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting. Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

Ouagmire. Hey, Brian! undefinedHow did you get on the show? " had to do a few favors. I got to get on that show. Come on, I'll do anything. Anything? - Yeah. - All right. - Okay, you're ready? - Yep. Okay, check under the bed. - No, nothing. - Check in the closet.

It's not cool, Peter. It's not cool.

See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom. Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now!

Chris, what the hell? I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up! I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.

Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Come on, get up! Knock off your napping It's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen There's a chair that freakin' talks! Hey look! There's some fish that give advice Holy crap! It's screwy In Peter's Playhouse

(STAMMERS) Are they driving themselves? If you're asking if they can see, yes. And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh...

I don't know. Something about a roller coaster. Let's go. (ALL GRUNT) Apples! Fire!

Oh, thank you. (INAUDIBLE) Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish? I hope so, Meg. I really do. It's not, Lois. It's not. Dad, this isn't the way to school. Yes, it is, Chris.

(GROWLING) (GIRL SCREAMING) What was that? (GASPS) Oh, my God. I knew this day would come. Rupert, we're under attack by monsters! Dear God! But wait, there's Superman. He'll save us. Superman! Superman!

Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes!

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped.

Newburyport. What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe. All right, I think we're all set here. (LAUGHING)

I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life. Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits. Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event,

I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later. Thanks, you guys. That was really cool. Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower?

I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2... aah!

I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts. Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

All right, Here's one. Let's jump that. Ooh! Yee... Haw! Oh, that was great! Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

I tell you, I feel more exhilarated than Peter did when he swam with the bulls.

Oh, thanks, Lois. Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back? Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt. Mmm... That feels good. Um, you're going a little low there, Lois.

I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool.

Stop making that face over there! (ALL LAUGHING) What are you doing? I can't... He makes that face and it makes me laugh, okay? You know what, just turn around. Turn--Turn around. I don't care where you look. Just look over there. Okay, all right. They're-- They're-- They're cracking... They're cracking up over there. Okay. Oh, yeah. Look who's snickering over there. Mr. I-can't-do- a-suicide-bombing- because-I'm-sick.

And I know just the place for us to go and blow off all this steam.

Wow! I had heard about the Holocaust, but I never believed it till right now. I have to ride that ride.

He died in office. You kids are mighty smart. You must have a powerful good teacher. Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything? Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here.

Hey, What's going on? There's a little girl down in that well. Oh, my God! Unfortunately, Nobody's arms are long enough to reach her. Except that one guy. But he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree. Tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Stop it! Ho, Ho, Ho. tee, hee! Ho! Ho!

it stays carbonated. Whoo.

you might want to get yourself tested. Hello? Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting? Well, excuse me for being retarded. My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white.

- Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire.

Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper.

You'll never know if you don't know now Wonderful! Wow! It was absolutely amazing. The second that spotlight hit me, I became a whole different person!

You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) Well, here we are, Rupert, Quahog's Summer of Love. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) GIRL: Ball, please.

One more push. (STRAINING) There we go! It's a boy! And he's got a gun! (GUNSHOTS) (CRYING)

and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here. Absolutely. The children get to play our games. And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize. I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live.

Cool! I get to be black and Irish! Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt!

Stop! Help! Help! All right, who wants to be next? You? You? Brian! BRian! I'm here to bring you... You're going downtown, pal. ...home.

These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married. So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful? Who wants to be pure? Who wants to be abstinent? Wow, he makes so much sense. I know, he's a visionary. Like Gandhi or Mozart or Picasso.

A quick weigh-in, a "stick out your tongue"

Nice throw, Casey Anthony. Oh, my God, I hope the guys at Sears portrait studio will be able to retouch this. What am I saying? Of course they will. They're Sears. What the deuce? Well, hello there. I say, you're a cute little fellow. Tell me something, what do you think about Rose McGowan?

My son, Hidalgo. And my cousin, Vinny. Hey, how you doing? Give me a word, any word at all... and I'll pronounce it funny for a nickel.

Oh, no! Oh, no--No! No! Oh--oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Warning. Host's oxygen levels rising. Heart rate increasing. Oh, my God! Either they're watching Batman or they're doing the do!

I'm not gonna be able to play. Loretta's mother is in town, and we have to go buy new sheets for the dog bed. Cleveland! I mean, the pullout sofa bed. Cleveland, This is Barrington. You could be the first black guy ever to play this course. People are gonna be impressed. Hey, a black guy! Ooh, Fun! Come on, Cleveland.

- How you doing today? - I don't know. I usually have to check with my boyfriend first. Oh, uh... Hit, please. Twenty-four? Crap!

So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh,

What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family.

I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2...

Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye!

No, no, not all terrorists are Arab.

But, Peter, their marriage is ending. Well, Look at the bright side, Lois. It's a chance for a fresh start for both Cleveland and...

Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum, or cotton candy, or a stuffed animal?

Okay. All right, take it easy. I am tired of playing games, Griffin. I mean, let's go. I have waited long enough. I'm having sex with you right now. No! I don't wanna! Griffin! You have sex with me or you're fired.

I can't believe this is happening. PETER: Help us! CLEVELAND: Help! Men, we're doing everything in our power to get you down. Stand aside, sir. I'll take it from here. Peter, this is Quagmire. Now, I want you to listen very carefully and do exactly as I tell you.

Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there.

A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse? Oh, my God. Oh, no!

I don't... I don't wanna lose anybody!

But instead he called me "a fat, stinking drunk." Those were his last words. Well, I hate to side with your father, Peter, but you do kind of drink a lot. And you know, sometimes it affects the people you love. Oh, my God. Lois, you're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father.

Hundred bucks, Blake is gay We'll do the best we can with Meg Are you saying I'm ugly? It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess--

Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, ifl could...

I see the want to in your eyes (APPLAUSE) Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am.

Meg. Meg, I promise, I'll do better at this job than I did on the SATs. Come on, do math.

Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right. (CAR HORNS HONKING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok.

JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex! Oh, Joe, that was amazing.

"The life of the wife is ended by the knife." "The loif of the w--" No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!" Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage. we've got 5 days left, and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother.

Oh, The Old Man and the Sea. I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise. Yeah. Stupid fisherman. Sitting out there in a boat yammering to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him.

Tonight I sleep alone

What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them. (SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since...

You stink! And your play stinks!

You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

Across the USA On that crazy king's highway Too much passion Too much play

Hello? Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow. Huh? Huh?

Let it go, LoIS!

(LAUGHS) Brian, you suck. What the devil is in here? I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie.

Fidel, no running around the pool!

There's gotta be something we can do to take that place down. Don't worry, Brian. I think I've got an idea.

Get us away from that lunatic!

So, have you seen Ghostbusters? Save your breath, geekwad. I'm here with my boyfriend. You mean that quintessentially '80s guy with his collar turned up all the way? Are you hitting on my girlfriend?

Hurry! Joe! All right! Yes, vamos! Ugh. Let's hear it for Joe! Yeah, let's hear it for the guy who found Joe! Yay! Ok. Huh.

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power! Brooke, what are you doing here?

Mom, when's it Dad's turn? I don't know, Chris. But I think we should all pray for your father that he comes out of this uninjured. Those horses stink. And it's too hot in here. I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky.

BOTH: A friendship is the best thing ever MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better Now we're friends Yes, it's true

Nice job, man! Wow!

You sure? Aren't you hungry? Thanks, Mom. But I want to be there when he first gets up. - He's so cute. - What? I... Um... I mean, she's so cute. Susie. She's all right.

Boy, I bet Brian would love these pancakes. I wonder where he is. He's next door with Cleveland. I saw him on my morning paper route. You know, I appreciate you letting me stay with you, but I'm perfectly capable of going to the bathroom by myself. Sorry, but there's a leash law in this neighborhood, and you never know who's watching.

Except for you. You can touch me. Attention, delegates. This session of the United Nations is hereby convened. Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium guy! Hey, I gotta problem here! Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn.

aah! Luke! Luke, time for dinner! In a minute, babe. I'm reading every high school newspaper in America to see if I'm mentioned. Oh, my God!

Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake! They're real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.

Must kill star. Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

but your property doesn't seem to be on the map. It's not part of quahog. What ThE hell are you talking about? I've been living at 31 Spooner Street for 12 years. Sorry. But according to this map, you're not even part of these United States. Which would make you... a Communist! - Ahh! - ahh! Ow!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec? Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue! If that isn't a middle finger to society, I don't know what is.

Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.

I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it. You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here!

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) Well, thanks to no gravity in space my spine stretched, and I am now a confident 6'3", so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman. Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah!

some of them are bound to be similar. Now, Mr. Swanson, through the magic of digital imaging, we'll select the legs most suited to your body from our inventory of donors. Hey, what about these? Good choice.

Of course i--I... No. Why would you send my husband and son out into the wilderness without any food or supplies? Because, uh, we really like your car? They're dead, you know.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Hey, sluts! OMG, stop staring at me, please. Okay, thanks. Mom, are you okay? Lois, what's goin' on? I'm what's goin' on, Peter. I got highlights, I went shopping, and I had my... So it's tighter now. Peter, I think Lois might be having a midlife crisis.

Well, I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four-piece suits. I'd like to join your country club. I assume that won't be a problem.

Hi. How's it going? Oh, God. I know karate! Look! A tasty little baby! I see somebody's been neutered.

Well, if your mind is made up about this, Brian, then I wish you the best of luck. I hope this move won't be a boner for you. Peter? What? I was just saying to Brian, "I hope this move won't be a boner." I would agree. I hope he finds what he's looking for. Okay.

Uh! Moms! Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game. Go, team! Uncool people are like animals. Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school? Hut! Ugh!

Our son is a deserter. Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail.

Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!

hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?

Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.

Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this. Really? Did he like it? He wants to option it and make a movie! Really? No, he didn't really respond to it. Oh. Listen, I need your help. Run inside and get me a pair of scissors. - No. - Why not? Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup."

The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting. (GROANS) Come on, math, you dick.

but it's really about having the courage to just kind of get inside your own head and just kind of poke around in there, you know, and be like, "Hey, oh, my gosh, what's under here? "Hey, what do you call yourself?" "Oh! Wisdom." "Oh! Profundity." "Oh! Truth." "Hey, let's all just go hang out together between the covers of a book."

You're as bad as Negatron. Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe?

Wow! No wonder people do drugs!

KENNETH: Here we go. In that case, I leave control of my company, Pewterschmidt Industries, to my daughter Lois. What? I don't know the first thing about running a billion-dollar company. The board of directors is fully prepared to run the company in Carter's absence, if that's what you'd prefer, Mrs. Griffin. Well, yes, I think that'd be best. Well, now, wait a second, Lois. I could run the company.

And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise! Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

I am standing outside Quahog Hospital, where accused kidnappers Lois and Peter Griffin have just arrived. Also arriving is my overprotective boyfriend, who is suspicious whenever I am called into work at night, even though I've been a reporter for years, Tyrone. I thought I told you to mention my painting business.

Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful when it reaches adulthood. Yeah. I love plants. So what happened with that kid you were telling me about? He admitted defeat and ran off. What a mook! Oh, Peter, I love you so much. PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee,

Yikes! Awkward. "Cheney told me that's where leprechauns hide their gold." More at 11.

Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it! I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off? You let me worry about that, kitten.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

Oh, Hello, Alexis.

Let's welcome our next performer, here to play the harmonica, Peter Griffin. Hi. So, where are you from, Peter? I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island. LOIS: (WHOOPS) Quahog! That's my family.

And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog. Please. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. You know, I will always love you, but I made a commitment to Brian. I can never repay him for what he's done for this family. I'm sorry, Peter.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Get ready for adventure. I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A.

Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on? I just woke up from a nap and I feel drafty. Peter, we don't have air conditioning. Well, that's awful peculiar.

They kind of just dropped him on me at the last minute. I couldn't say no, man. So, I think you'll be happy. The Death Star's going to be completed on schedule. Excellent. There is one thing, though, and I'm sorry about this, but your room's not ready till 4:00. So feel free to use our business center, or enjoy the pool. (KIDS LAUGHING)

What do you want? I wrote it in a day. (AUDIENCE GASPING) Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours. I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me. I was just trying to write something that would sell. I think it's crap, too.

We've had some bad luck with dinner guests. You Remember when Margot Kidder was here? Ah, We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful.

Holy crap! I am freaking out!

Look, I already said...

Giggity. Giggity. (MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!

Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?

(ALL SCREAMING)

Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."

Brian, what are you doing? Oh, geez, Stewie. Scared the crap out of me. Whatcha got there? (SIGHS) Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone. All right? You have to be really cool about this. Yeah, of course. These are mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug. Makes you see weird things and feel happy for a few hours.

That's Quagmire.

Peter, don't stare!

In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay Oh, my God! They liked it?

No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

Okay. Now, remember to play it cool. Act like you belong here. (SHOUTING) Oh, my God, Miley! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing.

it's gone! It's gone! Oh, Thank God! Peter, what's that sound? Oh, My God! They're babies. Hey, Look, Lois. There are 3 of them, just like ours. And, uh,

You should've told me... You should've told me...

Hey, there's Quahog Harbor. Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all.

Done! Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool. Can I try some Red Bull? Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull? Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't. Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five. Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em. (LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says.

I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know? (SNIFFLING) Oh, God, you hear that? I sound like a Jewish See 'n Say.

Here's a song by a gay guy.

(BIRDS CHIRPING) The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring" And people walking by Can stop and look at my thing Oh, this is one fine day Liberal chubby chaser! (LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself... (SHOUTING)

When you put us together we just didn't blend But the more that I know you the more it's a good fit

What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18. And as a bonus, I'm going to identify when it's Shatner, and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins. Let's watch. That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner. That's Lubbins. That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. Now, That's Shatner.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this!

See you later, schmucks! (BOTH GRUNT)

So, what do you want on your thigh? I want a skull. Ok. Well, I can draw Kermit the Frog. How about a nice Kermit the Frog? No. I want a skull. Ok, well I'm gonna go ahead and do Kermit the FroG.

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman!

(LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND) Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world?

Hey, Jasper, how are you? Hey, Brian! Congratulations on your new play. Oh, thanks. What's wrong? You look awful. What happened? I read the play Stewie wrote. She writes plays now?

Oh, God! Please help me!

Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich, we'll get you to the hospital. You bastard.

Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar! It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no!

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no!

Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

Oh. I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone. Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway!

You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick.

Hold on, little fella. This is just for big people. Why don't you come back in about, oh, 17 years? B-b-But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only 2 years and-- Blast! This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature. Ok. Our next lot is number 15 in your program. This is a one-of-a-kind item.

And then we have a chocolate, chocolate cake that's infused with chocolate served with chocolate ice cream and a molten chocolate topping.

Okay, okay, take it easy. Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy. Now do that thing where you rub my belly! I really like that! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face. One more push.

Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies! Peter? Do it. Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris? Elephants are bigger in person.

(BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door! I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom.

My day was even worse. I got pegged by a new form of spitball. (MOOING)

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery. Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning. Like a dairy cow.

"'You should make the time,' said the farmer." (NEWS BROADCAST THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Our top story. There was drama in the skies of Quahog today,

ANNOUNCER: We now return to How I Met Your Father. Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married. You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up!

Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! All right! That's enough!

Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

Wow. If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in,

I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you! Uh, e-Excuse me, sir. Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely.

I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD! Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy.

Peter, what is it? What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys?

He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin.

Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha!

Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys. You know, the over-privileged drunk ones, not the socially-responsible dead ones. You know, this resort offers some wonderful amenities.

See kids? One day the world is going to be just like our home. All races living together in harmony and love. Pancakes! He must still be working the junk out of his system. He needs hugs!

Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air! All right, Dad! Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. Are you kidding? I may see you again. I've 2 more kids at home, and I've always wanted to see some new episodes of Star Trek. Stewie, it's bath time. You're filthy again. I'll show you filthy!

Who's got a girl he'd like to one day undress? Give it a rest I told you not until we're married

(LAUGHING) I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't. Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Plus the timing seemed good 'cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge. Who took my checkbook? Ellen? Why is there a pen cap and no pen? You're the first person to recognize me in 2,000 years. Well, you seem like a nice guy. Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast.

How's the food in South America? Do the women there have exposed clitterati? I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman. Well.... Please, just take care of yourself, honey. Hey guys. ls everyone on the phone? " got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey.

You stick to things. You know, Like an adhesive. Ha. That's all he meant. You have a pretty good appetite there, kid. I bet you spend a lot of time in the john. Um, I'm sorry. What finishing school did you say you went to? Yes! Good heavens! Who taught you how to eat? Mickey Rourke? Why do I know that name?

but as a mother, I just can't bear the thought of little Scotty not getting the help he needs. You really needn't worry, Lois. Scotty will get all the help he needs. - From where? - From here. Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy? Let me see that.

Did we not have money for the Petercopter? Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron? Whatever. I want you to meet Consuela. Consuela, this is my husband, Peter, and these are our children. Hello, Mr. Peter. Hello, Mr. children. Consuela's gonna be our new housekeeper.

What did you just say?

I don't like cozy breakfast nooks I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts, wet farts Your farts, I like farts, if you've got heart Oh, I've got heart Let's hear those farts How do I start?

Hello, everyone! Thank you all so much for squeezing me in for an audition. So, shall we just jump in? Sure. When you're ready. All right, let me just get into character. I'm a bit distracted. I wasn't expecting we'd do this today,

You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why. Is this the longest light ever, or what? Ah, there we go! Oh, my God! How do you two know each other? Uh, we actually just met. Well, I'm Stewie. I'm Lauren. It's good to meet you.

Ok, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. 10 more reps.

Oh, yeah. Getting hot in here. I better take my shirt off. (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying. Happy birthday, darling.

My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois.

Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters.

(PETER LAUGHS) Yeah, I'll meet you guys here. I'm just gonna be here. Peter, I don't think we need a donkey for this climb.

Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad.

What Accomplishments?

Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated. You have an annoying habit of turning up where you're not welcome. Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y." If you'll turn to Page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, which I can tell are... Okay, okay. Yeah, all right.

Brian, look what I won. Wow, what'd you win that for? For having the best pig in the competition. - Wait, you bred a pig? - Sure did. Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig.

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

(GIGGLING) - Can I call you Tom, too? - Well, of course. Mr. Brady, would you please sign my Trapper Keeper? Oh, Tom, your shirt. I'm so sorry. - Look, you can use our shower if you want. - No, it's okay. It's just a little spot. It'll come out.

Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this!

Now your mom is counting on us to drop off the deposit. So, uh, let's just deliver the check and... Hong Kong Phooey!

Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow How was that, Dr. Ditty? Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all. I just have a-- God, I'm so sorry. I keep doing that.

Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job. Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

I'm going to school!

Do any of you know billionaire Bruce Wayne? No. None of us do. And he wouldn't want to lend us money anyway. I hear.

Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap and tawdry.

Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe. But you can't leave now. You're a natural leader and we... Hey. Did you guys order some ice? 'Cause I got a bag of ice here. Thought you might need some ice.

Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that. And their vessel was swept to the bottom of the briny deep. Swallowed whole by the treacherous, unforgiving sea.

No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint? Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one.

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension.

Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything. So all of a sudden, we get these orders. And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet. I remember the sky was a majestic orange. (PHONE VIBRATING) The breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but, you know, not so warm that you'd break any kind of a sweat. Because let me tell you, it just ruins... Big gay phoque. Big gay phoque, yeah.

Remember me, dirt bag?

And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl. Oh, Bonnie, I'm so happy for you! DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What? Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby.

CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Why do I need to wear gloves to eat in a fancy restaurant? Because it's so fancy that... You know what? I'm tired of this. I booked you a boxing match. Son of a bitch! Damn it, Peter. I told you, I don't want to be a boxer! Who the hell do you think you are? There you go! Use that anger! Hey, remember when I said I think it's hot when you wear a sports bra and gym shorts underneath your dress?

What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

When will our passports arrive? Check back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks? But I have a baby at home! We would have sent you back with the other passengers, but, uh, we didn't know you were stuck in the bathroom. We weren't doing what you're thinking. - I was. - Hmm. We apologize for the hijacking. Ah, That's ok.

Hey, I recognize you from the television. You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

I can't wait to see the expression on Joe's legs when I open my multiplex. I have to say I'm a little concerned about the zoning for... Peter, are you peeing in that skull? No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ass.

(RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick. Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous. Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Patrick is a very nice man. And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son.

Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh!

Hey. You look like you could use a pal. Oh. Hi, Peter. Look, I'm sorry about how I acted. It's just Lois means everything to me. And when I saw you together, I didn't know what was gonna happen.

Ok, look. So, maybe this isn't where I thought I was gonna be at 7 years old. It's just that I... God, Is it ok if I smoke in here? Thanks. It's just that things don't always work out the way we plan. Do you know I've never been to Europe? Now look at me.

STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. They're doing it again. What the hell?

(CHEERING) Man, I can't wait to get a Mercedes. Me, either. Yeah, it's gonna be sweet. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat.

Brian, could we really? Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business. Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

Hey, what's this? Mustard. Oh, that's right. We had hot dogs last week. You gonna eat that? The mustard on your shoulder? No.

He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see? He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie. What are you saying?

This thing is an insult. Well, that might be overstating things a little. It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, Fox should be...

No! I think I can hear the ocean. Smell it, too. All right, what do I do? Wait a minute, what did I do before? That's all I have to do, right, is duplicate the circumstances, but do it the opposite way. All right, I was standing right here,

God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington. Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings? No. Because he was quartered on the port side. (CHUCKLES)

- Honestly? Two. - Really? Yeah, I brought the ashes of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Nicholson, and spread them across the lake, per her last request. Ah. The other was some skag I met on a dock four miles from here. - What? - (MIMICS BUZZER) Strike four, Jelly Jealouson. The other was my sister.

(INCOHERENTLY SPEAKING) Uh, I--I don't... W-W-What's-- What's the problem? Ah! Okay. Thank you.

Because, you know, K.I.S.S Saves Santa is on.

(BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES)

We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING)

You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

(EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people.

Who's the star of Silence of the Lambs?

That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today.

Oh, my God, that's kind of hot. (PENCIL SCRIBBLING) Mmm. I bet you taste like Mountain Dew and Starburst. Boy, everybody turned out for this thing, huh?

How the hell did you do that? No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul

And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months.

Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude.

What? What are you talking about? Look, you're the only one who's got the know-how and the technology to help us track her down. Hmm. Interesting. Last week, all my gadgets were "hooey," I think was the word. I didn't say... You said "hooey"! All right, I've booked us on a flight that leaves in two hours. So, um, whose credit card shall we put it on? Just put it on yours and I'll pay you back.

Five, five, five.

Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok! Are you happy? I've never been happy. Oh, Don't worry, honey.

(DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls. (OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here. But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs?

Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you have three crushed ribs, but I was able to stop the internal bleeding. Doctor, this has happened seven times in the last month. Peter rolls over in his sleep and almost kills me. I see.

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again!

Yeah, 'cause we could... What? Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there?

To Ireland. Sweetheart, when will you be back? I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me.

Ah, Jeez, Mort! I--I don't know if I'm ready. Ah, Come on, stud. We've got it all set up for you to go out with our niece. Honey, come on out here and meet Peter Griffin. Peter, this is our niece, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nice to meet you. All right, I'm getting up. Hi. Peter Griffin. So, Where do you want to go?

What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh.

They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

Cut, cut, cut! Cleveland, what are you doing? I just figured I'd give Colonel Tushfinger an Australian thing. Colonel Tushfinger lives on the moon, you idiot. He talks with a moon accent, you know? (IN SILLY ACCENT) He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand? I am Colonel Tushfinger, and I live on the moon. So I talk like this with a moon accent. Do that!

Maybe someday we'll get married and you can go up on me. Neil, I wanna be your girlfriend. What? I was wrong to drive you away. We belong together. Of course, I'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me. You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that.

Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup! Ball in a cup

Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Yeah, well, you know, I read somewhere that women decide within the first seven seconds if they're interested in you or not, so I figured I wouldn't waste anybody's time. Fair enough. Sure, (CHUCKLES) let's go out. Really? Yeah. Like you said, I've already decided. - I'm Kate. - I'm Brian. Hey, you want to go outside? Maybe a little quieter. Sure.

I can if you want to join AA, eh? No, I'm already a member of A-A-A. I need help with the car. Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage. You might need a hose, eh? Jose, Roberto, whatever. If you've got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great. No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh? Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate, but let's deal with first things first. Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh?

I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. I'll tell the joke. Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus. Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you straight into traffic. Peter, you win. All right, I won't tell the joke anymore. You know, I gotta admit, Quagmire, despite all the problems, that joke is freaking hilarious. Where'd you hear it? Bruce told it to me. No way Bruce came up with that. Where'd he hear it?

Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and...

I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were because we're out. That's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

The point is every possible eventuality exists. And that's where you got the pig, in a parallel universe. Prepare yourself, Brian, and I'll show you. (BEEPING) (WHIRRING)

What the devil do you think happened to Bobby, when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch? Oliver, did you break this vase? No. The floor did. He's so cute. Hey, everybody. I-- Bobby, you get back in the garage! Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow! It can't happen!

Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me. Peter, what the hell is this about?

All right, I guess this is the night bitches die. I wonder what the chain gang did today. I hope we're not missing anything cool. Maybe we should go back. Hey, guys, look, there's a house. Maybe there's something inside we can use to get these chains off. (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it. Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms "through any crisis in any galaxy."

Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight. What are you talking about? Look at me. I got a broken nose. I think this is a sign that maybe it's time to hang up the gloves. What are you, out of your mind? Don't you give me that attitude, Peter. Look, Lois, we're making a lot of cash with this boxing thing. And I need money for bourbon and anime. (SLURRING) Well, I just can't understand any of this.

OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot. Shut up! Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, ok?

I'm sorry, Stewie. Your Aunt Carol's gonna be staying with us for a little while, so she's gonna need your room. Who the hell do you think you are? Stop it this instant! We're not gonna fit through there. Only circles can fit through that rectangular doorway.

I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

and I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them. - You what? - That's right, and I want your blessing, Peter. You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get.

You know something? I like your passion. Okay, we'll do the show, and we'll do it your way. No. Well, that was a miscalculation.

(ALARM BLARING) Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here. What are you trying to do? Once I locate the proper code sequence, this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims.

It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody!

Stewie, this is gonna sound crazy,

Thanks, Brian! Brian? Hey, princess. I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone.

So, just make yourself available. Cool. Cool. Well, That's our show for tonight. Now stay tuned for Battlestar Galactica Forum. Welcome to Battlestar Galactica Forum.

Oh, my God! (DOG YELPS) Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Oh, thank God! Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be... Oh, my God!

You guys are ruining my life! I'm sorry, honey.

Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass

(QUAGMIRE GRUNTING SOFTLY)

HEy, You're the Pawtucket Patriot.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

Hey, you get your hands off that!

Everyone I've told about the file is dead. What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires!

Something I should've done a very long time ago.

Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right?

Why don't you just shut up for about a week? You're on!

You're missing Gumbel 2 Gumbel.

Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder. Help! Help us! Oh, my God! (PANTING) Hey, don't worry. I'm here.

oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

So, what happened? What happened is this one's a hero, is what happened. Rescued two children from a burning building. Can you imagine? Not quite in time, they were both horribly burned. They have that sort of creme brulee face going on now, but he saved their lives. Oh, my God, Brian. I know, right? So noble.

Oh, my God, we should text each other. Hang up! Hang up!

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it?

I should have known! Her treachery knows no limits! I...Oh, my. Getting dizzy! Oh, Fight it, Stewie! "Do not go gentle into that good night," to quote Bob Dylan. No, no, Dylan Thomas.

A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!

No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you. And done. There it is, Stewie. Three hours, 27 minutes, and I've got myself one big steaming pile of book. You want to hear it? Definitely! What are you calling it? - Wish It. Want It. Do It. - Love it.

This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap!

Masturbator and Commander. (KNOCKING) Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us. CAPTAIN: I'll be right out. Sir, we've already lost 10 men. Hang on. Sir, don't you think we should return fire? Yeah, yeah, go ahead and do that, and I'll meet you up there in, like, five minutes. Peter, I've never seen you so happy.

Meg Griffin Not much you can do

(SPLASHING) (CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

And things we never take notice of You wake up and suddenly you're in love (WHISPERING) I'm taking you home with me.

Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm. Peter? Oh! Oh, uh, Ah, h-Hi, Mr. Weed! Well, It seems you've made a full recovery.

Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed! As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana.

Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) I can't believe we lost the talent show. What'd we do wrong? Well, Dad, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience. (BOTH SHOUTING)

(CHUCKLES) We got him. Halloween is fun.

Relax, Lois. Nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles. Now stand back. (ROCKET ROARING) (PETER GIGGLING) I'm back from space, everybody.

Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping! Oh, I can't. It isn't in me to cause harm to anyone. No matter how much someone has harmed me.

I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes.

Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now, and we'll be bringing our friend who is absolutely, 100% not Jewish. Hey, how about that Jesus, huh? What a guy. Father, we're so glad you're here. We need you to conduct last rites for our friend over there.

Hello? Karen! All right Meg, I'm gonna need you to boil some water. And girls, I'm gonna need towels, lots of them! Ok, let's go! Aw jEEz, i'm--I'm sorry, Meg's friends. Look, I'll make it up to you. I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance.

YOu. You lied to ME. Oh, my God! There's Mom! Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? Bite me!

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool. Really? Oh, that's good.

Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.

Hey, hey! Look who I brought! Welcome, young Skywalker. Thank you. Not you! I'm so embarrassed.

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES)

Quack, quack. Oh! My little ducky. You look so adorable. Oh, no, no. You see these holes? I got bit by a vampire. I'm a vampire duck.

You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.

but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

What? Don't complain. This is actually making you look attractive. Oh Man! Did you guys hear that? Imagine seeing the inside of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery. Forget it, Peter. You don't have A chance. Yeah. You never win anything.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah. Stupid dog. Well, then, can't you just press a couple buttons and bring him back?

You know, my Aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M.

Cadmium? Sorry, tungsten. Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got? Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?" Oh, God, I always get these. Okay, all right, fire truck. Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks? Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything.

Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house. Ah! A ghost! Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok. We got away just in time. We got away just in time.

(LAUGHING) Lando! Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard. Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca. And this is my special friend, Leia. And that's Sarge over there. You don't know my name, do you? You never bothered to learn it. What are you talking about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty! This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor.

No. Actually, I was a normal guy until one night, we dropped acid together, and he thought I was a steak. Grilled me, ate me arms and legs. It was a whole thing. But I'm not the killer! What about the Mayor? He could have killed him and got himself off scot-free! (SIGHS) He took the Twitter name Mayor West, so now I have to use Mayor underscore West.

Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

All right, let's do it!

Good for you, Janine. You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody, and you did it. Brian, what are you doing up there?

Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!

I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that?

That's what the people want! Now, what else? I got a can of whole black olives. Should I slice them up? What are you, crazy? No, you keep 'em whole. You're gonna want to know you've got an olive in your mouth. What about this tomato? Cut it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you've got red teeth. How about this carrot? Should I cut it up? Yes, but very thin lengthwise. The whole length of the carrot. One thin slice.

God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right. And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince? (SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay.

Yeah! Pull over. Bye.

(WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

What's wrong with you? Ha! What about you, Quagmire? Taylor Hanson. Taylor Hanson's a guy. You guys are yanking me. Hey, Let's put one over on old Quagmire. No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire.

Some geek on top of Town Hall and he's about to jump! Oh, my God! Neil! Is it Neil? Ha. I've been calling him Ned all week.

What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on a multinational fast food conglomerate. Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian. Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world. How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point? Okay, religion.

Holy crap! This is hot! Oh! Oh!

Oh, Dad, I'm glad you're here. There's something I need to ask you. What is it, Chris? Well, today, in gym class, I noticed one of my testicles went up inside my body and it hasn't come back out yet, and I'm a little scared. Sir, this employee just made a sexual remark to me.

That does look like Peter's handwriting. (GASPING) There's no doubt anymore. Peter murdered his wife. This is fantastic! I'm completely off the hook. What the hell? Hey, little man. Tell Chris to open his window?

Stephanie was an accident.

Come, come. Let's get you to your new home. (WHISTLES) Hey, Senorita! You got nice bread dough legs! I got a blank prescription pad! See, this isn't so bad. Not so bad? We're sharing a tool shed with seven other families.

Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy. Well, Peter, there have been a lot of changes in Joe's life, and maybe he just needed to move on. If I were you, I'd look for a new friend. A kindred spirit, like Judas found in Pontius Pilate. You know, sometimes, I feel like someone should just crucify Jesus of Nazareth. Crucify Jesus of Nazareth.

I don't believe I know you. That's not it at all. I happen to think Loretta is very beautiful, with her sassy wisdom and speed-bag arm fat. Hmm. I guess at the very least, I could go talk to her tomorrow and see how I feel. Thanks for your help, Griffins.

Dad's starting his own TV station, but I'm not supposed to tell Mom because she's just gonna bitch him out. What the hell do you expect to accomplish with this? I'm saving television, Lois. Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)

I hope you and Quagmire have all the happiness in the world. But I am choosing you. Just promise me you'll make him wear this.... What? You're choosing me? After what happened with my family? Well, it wasn't as bad as the evening I spent with Glenn and his mother. Glenn, would you feed Mittens?

Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff.

Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us? Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning?

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

Hey, what about these? Good choice. These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious.

This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING)

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Hey, there's something on the screen.

You know what? I bet my ways would seem just as foreign to you. BRIAN: Stewie, I got a flea thing going on in here! Where the hell's my Frontline? (SIGHS) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, edited for goats.

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

Please, I beg you. Carter, what you did was unforgivable. And as beautiful as your words are, I just don't know that they can fix what's done. I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together.

The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee." Where? Where does the rooster say that? The monkey goes, "Ma-cock." No, no, no, no, it does not. The elephant goes, "Fwaamp." Yeah, kind of. Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine?

(LAUGHS) (WITH BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Hi, everybody. Hello, Colonel Tushfinger. I just built a spaceship. Want to come up in space with me in it? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut, cut, cut! Cleveland, what are you doing? I just figured I'd give Colonel Tushfinger an Australian thing. Colonel Tushfinger lives on the moon, you idiot.

We want you to read your new contract! (GASPS) You mean it? Absolutely! You're hired! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Well, I guess sometimes you're just right for the part. Like James Earl Jones playing Darth Vader. So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad!

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy.

But I'm gay. What? No. You can't be. (STAMMERING) You were so into me that first night. Honestly, I thought your vaginal gatherings were the timid penis of a coy first date. Well, first of all, I'm flattered, but, Glenn, this is heartbreaking. I was gonna be your perfect little wife. I was gonna make you breakfast maybe once a week,

Ralph Staub, Henry B. Walthall. Who the fuck are these people?

The final plague is the death of the first-born son. Oh, No! Stewie! The first-born son. Meg. Your wife. Chris! Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light!

Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!

All sorts of things. Hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids, the gay gene, calcium, a vitamin B extract. - What did you just say? - The gay gene. I assume that's the one you meant, even though it wasn't literally the last thing I said when you said, "What did you just say?" It's just that clearly it was the most unusual. Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay?

I think I have an idea. This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves.

Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind! A pox on quahog! Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!

I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent. Come on. Think harder. There's gotta be something you can do. That's amazing! Oh, Thanks. I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school. Heh, Nothing happened.

Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong. Peter, that story was completely inappropriate. Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.

Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on.

Full housE. Dagnab!

(EXCLAIMS) Starting to feel that. You know, I like hanging out with you, Brian. I feel like a big boy right now. Yeah, this isn't so bad, right? It's like a very private party.

Penisberg? Yeah, yeah, get it all out of your system.

Besides, We haven't spent any time together since we played Operation. I'm going for the "funny bone," Dad. Oh! You touched the sides. Aw jeez, He's waking up. Quick, Let's get him back to the bus station. Dad, I don't want to be here. I want to be chillin' with my homies. Now, Chris, it's important you learn about your Irish heritage.

- (ULULATES) - Yes, good job. You're doing it. Bamba! Ooh, so close.

Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY) Say, listen, Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile, but there's one person I really want you to meet. Oh, yeah? Who's that?

and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris? Now I do. Meg, what's wrong? I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and...

Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING) (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? I killed you! I choke myself every day, you bastard. (SCREECHING)

(SHATTERING) Wait a minute. Joe, look!

I don't want women like that. I want Babs.

CANDY: Glenn, you fell asleep, so I took off. It's probably for the best. I've never had sex before, and I probably wouldn't have been much good at it. (SCREAMING) (ANNA LEE CRYING) That's it. That kid is out of here. Hey, there's another note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom..."

I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun Dance and shout

Oh! Thank God! Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka.

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg.

Hey, it's Noah from JDate. Oh, my God! Hi!

You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it? (SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No.

I clean in here? Yeah. That's fine. I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down. This is a very shocking Family Circus.

Look, Stewie, I'm hanging the ornament you made at preschool.

Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he's not coming. Oh! Come on now. There, feel better after I just said that? - Now give me one little touch. - No! I hate this! I... I... I hate my life! (GASPS) The king! The king is here! Oh, I didn't vote for him!

I wonder what else I've repressed? Oh, my God. I could've had a V8. It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare.

Then what? Peter went to court!

You're telling me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a bro-ster. Hey, Peter, you want to see my peginas? Uh... (STAMMERING) I don't know. I'm just saying that if you read somewhere that Gwen Stefani was a grandmother,

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes? Rent! Rent! Rent! For all we know, he could be this way for the rest of his life. I don't see what the big deal is. I like myself this way. It's a very big deal. You'll be treated differently.

and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!

Peter! Peter Frampton!

Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos.

(GRUNTING) What? My God, I... I think he's trying to talk to you. Quick, Meg! Say something else! Well, okay. I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father.

(QUAGMIRE MOOING)

Bertram had to go back enough generations to make sure he was snuffing out the ancestral source of my genius without affecting his own. And apparently, it's Leonardo da Vinci. DA VINCI: Boy, I'm sick of the pizza. Well, we've gotta stop Bertram. What are we gonna do? Don't worry, Brian, I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm a genius. Like Thomas Edison.

Hey, listen, Jesus, thanks for coming by tonight and hanging out with us. You may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man. Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast.

(MOANING) Ew! That is vile.

Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Hey, Nice plant. Note to self, do not go to the bathrooM.

You gonna eat that? The mustard on your shoulder? No. Oh, oh, Kids, look! Look. A deer. Can we pet him? No, no. No, no, No. no, just--Just watch. Peter! Peter!

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) (SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search!

It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

What do you mean, I ruined television?

You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately,

But, oh, my God, Lois, that's hilarious! Do you have a copy? Oh, no, that movie's long gone. Like the original ending to Grease. (WE GO TOGETHER PLAYING) We've been up here for four days.

Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Thanks for having me, Bonnie. I just needed someone to talk to. Sure, Lois. What's on your mind? Well, it's kind of a long story. You see... Eight fucking hours later... Oh, my God!

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!

CONSUELA: Yes? Hi, we have a message for Jabba the... No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh.

Gosh! I've--I've never had to entertain kids before.

I was shopping for hats... Hang on. I'm coming over. Oh, no. Don't go anywhere. Stay right there. Who's that? It's just this jerk that goes to my school. You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why. Is this the longest light ever, or what?

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.

Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water?

(LAUGHING) Chris, what the hell are you doing here? I told you not to bother me at work. I got locked out of the house, and I need your key. No way! You get to work with all these dead people? Hey, look, this guy's picking his nose. (LAUGHING) Look, now he's eating it! Chris! Knock it off! You're gonna get me in trouble!

Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours. (YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois. Lois!

I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you?

What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No!

Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down. Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them.

Lois doesn't like my toenails 'cause they stab her in the night. Hear that, Lois? Somebody likes my toenails. Good for you, Peter. Good for this family. Good for all of us. Mom! Dad! I got an A on my book report! That's wonderful, honey. Congratulations, Chris. What did you write about? Um...

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.

Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there.

Peter! You've been eating my legs?

Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.

My word, I really must have been asleep! Ah. Look at this. The tip of the Earth, Brian. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus. All right, let's go. Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?

Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy?

What do you call that pointy thing, again? - The beak? - Okay. Come on, Dad! Maybe we can get the birds to act out the Benson where a scheduling snafu forces the governor to decide between meeting the President or going to Katie's school play! (EXCLAIMING) Scatterbrain governor.

Attention, all hands. We're going to launch a massive air strike against Bertram and his army. Behold the armada. It's quite simple, actually. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons, and the clown face is just a clown face. Enjoy it.

(ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look.

(WIND WHISTLES) (BIRD SCREECHES) What the hell's going on here? And over here are my toys. This is my fire truck, my Slinky, my Silly Putty. You know, Silly Putty's awesome, but you know what's really cool? Serious Putty.

Or am I? Can we please talk about Peter? He has so much to live for, Death. He loves his children and mE-- Ok, Ok. I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift.

Hey, kid, nice costume. Really? Oh, my God, thank you so much. My mother bought it for me, and I was worried it might be a tad banal, but if you big kids like it, then it must be pretty cool. That's a nice bag of candy you've got. Oh, thank you. You know, it's actually a pillowcase. They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know. Well, now it's ours.

Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go.

Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image. Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well...

For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Here I go, down the slope. Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob. Stop it! Stop applauding him! He's not even using real words anymore!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

So, what are you... What are you guys drinking? Hey, Peter, you kind of look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder. A pirate? Oh, cool! You should get a pirate name. And a peg leg. And a hook hand. And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12. I mean, you should get an eye patch. Eye patch would be cool.

Let's go home, Joe.

Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing. Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so.

But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere

Wait a minute. I smell barbecue. Mmm. So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks. Oh, my God!

I had this dream last night. Did you ever see Logan's Run? Last day. Capricorn 2537. Our next dedication goes out to Tommy from Kim. I'm so lost without you i know you were right...

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here. Oh, thanks for spending time with me today, Mom. I just had to get out of that house.

(FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good. (FARTING) All right, men. This obstacle course represents the final test of your training.

You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah. You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

What? What is it, Lois? That girl over there, that's Chris' girlfriend!

Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!

Lois, what are you doing? I switched Peter's questions to the pre-school edition. Just to let him have his moment.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

I'm not changing you. We don't even have any diapers. Oh, my God, that smell is making me sick. (GROANS) Oh, thank you for making me more self-conscious. I'm not gonna be able to stay like this until tomorrow, you know. Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it. - You don't? - No, I don't. Stop looking at me like that. Look, I'm going to propose something,

Yeah, isn't it great? Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record. Ok, guys. I got another one. What's the difference between pornography and art? Here it comes. A government grant.

There it is! The BBC!

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it? Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope. Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party,

Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool. "She Packed my bags

Jeez, Lois, I thought having you here was going to be fun, but so far you are a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington. Oh, man, this is the best party I have ever been to. Evening, everyone. I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings.

Oh, my God! I don't believe this. Ross Fishman, is that really you? I haven't seen you since college. How are you? Great, great. Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit. Oh, Thank you.

We got away just in time. We got away just in time. All right, now, is that everything you stole? Uh, That's everything. You know, you really should talk to a therapist about this. I mean, it really helped Peter out when he became obsessed with that fantasy world of his. Yeah!

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances - Get out of here. Yeah, okay.

How is that close? For God's sake, Chris! You murdered Mr. Lockhart! What? No, I didn't! Come on. Everybody's done something they're not proud of. Like when I used to be a Wonder Twin. Peter, the old schoolhouse is on fire! Let's go! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form ofa hawk! - Come on, Peter. - Yeah, I'll be right behind you.

No. Brian, you really seem to be enjoying your wine lately. It's only my 2nd glass. Dad, if bad men broke into the house, and they had guns, and they put a gun up to your head, and made you choose who you wanted to live,

I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.

You're mine now, Lois! Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?

Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!

You know, I've been coming to this church for years. I've heard all the stories. Who did Jesus hang around with? Mary Magdalene.

(GEESE HONKING)

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room.

Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home? About an hour ago. This party sucks.

Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE)

Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y."

We've been searching these woods for weeks. We've got to keep looking. He's got to be out there somewhere. Oh, my God, we're in Canada. I get to use my new passport. I hope my picture looks okay. That's Liam Hemsworth. No, it's not. It's me. It's just a really good angle. God, just look for Peter. God.

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class.

And I swear to God, you let me out of here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again.

Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things.

(EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.

especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance. And here to sing a romantic ballad is the one and only Sting.

Oh, hey, I saw your picture on the cover of Scientific American. You looked great. Oh, Please! Where my eyes are, like, half-closed? God! Just take the damn compliment. What the hell is Lois doing with another man?

Could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready? Is this Peter? No, it's Lois. Lois, don't crank call my mother. I'm gonna have to pinch you for that. Ow! Peter, don't pinch me. (BOTH GROANING) Stop that. Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that?

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

But three Lucky Strikes... And you're in. Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME)

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming. Not about kicking your fat ass! Boys, please. You used to be so close. Sorry, Lois.

What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid...

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR.

Meg, honey, do you want some breakfast? I don't have time. I have to get over to the Swansons'. You sure? Aren't you hungry? Thanks, Mom. But I want to be there when he first gets up. - He's so cute. - What? I... Um... I mean, she's so cute. Susie.

Um... Here, Lois, take a look. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God! This is the best day of my life!

Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You... You don't find me attractive anymore. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying. But you can't force the spark back into our marriage. Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn.

Some of that stuff is right on. Really? Wow. Well, give me a "for instance." Well, the guy talks about... Cesar Millan? Right, Cesar Millan talks about living in the moment because that's how dogs live, you know? We live in the moment. I so don't live in the moment. I'm always, "Oh, remember that petting zoo?"

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian. Thanks.

Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook. LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!

Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back.

Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished. But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful. Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.

Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

(LAUGHING) (SCREAMING)

- Hi, we're on the list. - Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo.

but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter.

Are those my books?

I've never met this Brian Griffin. I would have told you last night, but I was 100% sure you ripped it off. But after spending the last 18 hours on the Internet and in libraries trying to find traces of it somewhere, I couldn't find a thing. Well, I'm... I'm so happy you liked it. Look, I don't want to get your hopes up, but Daddy's got some connections over at CBS,

Chris, I've already explained this to you. Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover.

Lois had always been full of energy and life but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. I awoke several hours later in a daze.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar! Hey, there, Chris. Hi, Mr. Herbert.

Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too. Thank God you guys are okay! Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson! We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Well, that was a close call.

E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam. Morse code? Obsolete. Brain-damaged bicycle courier? I'm not quite so sure I can find my way. Yeah, you're gonna be here a while. Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no,

Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!

(GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia.

And I got to tell you, I had this guy all wrong. I mean, some of the stuff in here is... Hey, baloney!

Quagmire, you belong in a tree. You're a nut. (LAUGHS) What?

(RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick. Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous. Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Patrick is a very nice man. And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son. Whose pickle is this?

My teleportation machine worked. Of course it did, that's how we got here. No, that's how you got here. I flew. The machine must have created two pairs of us. One that was teleported to Las Vegas, and the other that wasn't. You're kidding. That's unbelievable.

When did Reese Witherspoon get here? (GASPS) (SQUEALS)

That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here we go. Now, I'm going to prescribe a course of antibiotics and some painkillers and... - Hey, Elmer. - Hey. She sucks.

Well, what did he say? He said he'd think about it. Okay, so where were we? Okay. f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good.

(LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

Your Majesty, won't you please join me as my personal guests in the Barrington Room? The Barrington Room? Peter, that's the most exclusive room in all of New England. Yeah, I hear it's even harder to get in there than the University of Arizona. Well, it's beating. Welcome to the Wildcats.

Brian, we both know I touched it. Now if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers. See? We're having a nice time.

Away with you What a woman. To think Canada's got her, and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.

Stop acting like a brat. What about a picture book? Only if it has a mirror at the end of it, and it says, "How about you?" Wow, look at these old photos of you and Dad. This must be around the time you guys were first dating, huh?

Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is?

Brian, come over here and meet Sea Breeze, my prize-winning dog. Isn't she a perfect specimen? I mean, look at these legs, and that beautiful coat and feel the heat coming off of her genitalia. You could roast a marshmallow. That's how You can tell she's a champion. Go on. Put your hand there. Oh. Oh, boy. That is-- That-- Is that something?

Hey, Peter, how you doing? Hey, Quagmire. Um... Is your dad around? Oh, he's off at his stitch 'n bitch club. I'm glad you stopped by, though. My dad wanted me to tell you he would be thrilled if you and Lois would join us as his guests at the Naval Ball. Yeah, yeah, that'd be great. Um... Hey, remember when we met him the other day,

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect, you've gained some weight recently.

If it is, pick yourself up some nice cheap pants, and good life to you. Inspection. (BUZZER SOUNDING) Dufresne? Dufresne? Dufresne, you better get your ass out here before you make me cut this sentence...

Please don't spiT in my eggs. Please don't spit in my eggs. Please don't spit in my eggs. Thank you for the eggs! God, I hope he didn't spit in my eggs! Hey, Doug. I just spit in that guy's eggs.

Isn't this epic, Peter?

Hey, bud, take a break. I'll take over. Go smoke a fatty. Thanks. MAN ON RADIO: This is Sierra Tango 817,

looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh? - Yeah, I could get in on that. - All right! Here it comes!

So, I guess I figured if I don't find a girl just like you, I might never find anyone. Oh, Chris, of course you'll find someone. And you are a prize. You're a handsome, kind-hearted young man, and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life. You really think so? Of course I do, sweetheart.

This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day. So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!

Hey, Peter. I've just been

It's one of those ka-blam farts.

- Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? I just used to think he was kind of funny. We should... We should get to the hospital. Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?

That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful.

You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No.

You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing. Now everybody pair up! All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out. Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard? Oh, Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs.

I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

Don't relax yet, Rupert, those fighters had to have been coming from somewhere. Oh, my God!

Wait a minute. Something's different. Hmm. Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager? And help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.

I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested. Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter. Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello. Lois, you can't possibly be considering working for Fox News. Well, why not? Why not? Because they're evil, and they distort the truth,

Listen, do you have a wallet or a purse? Uh, I have a purse. Oh! Oh, baby. I want you to take the money out and count it really slowly. Okay. One. Ooh! That's nice. Two. Oh! Oh, my. - Three. - Oh, God! Okay, slow down a bit.

I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see?

(SCREAMING) My mustache! No! God bless you, sir, you saved my life. But at what cost? At what cost?

Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street. Hey, what's going on? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with you.

and I turned it down. What? Yes. And I'll always turn it down because money just complicates everything. We don't need money because we have each other. Happiness isn't about buying expensive things, it's about being together. It's not about taking expensive trips.

This school is not for your kind! Why? (MUMBLING) I still don't fully understand!

Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!

Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?

'76. I don't think anyone knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. I'm--I'm sorry. What was that? Peter, It's not important. Let him answer, Lois! I said, no one knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. Fellows, please keep it civil. I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave. Well, Throw down, if that's what you want.

Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die. (GROWLING) Then the reindeer eat them,

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice.

That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!

What? She'd do that? Oh, absolutely. (SNAPS FINGER) I need you to run an errand for my friend, Peter. Of course. Anything for you, husband. That was amazing. She just listened to everything you said. Of course she listened. In Muslim culture, wives are much more obedient. No way. That's awesome.

and now all I want to do is show you my innermost self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see,

Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital. All right, hold-hold on a sec. - I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter! Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go. Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin.

There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

Come on. Discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?

Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that.

Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly.

No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

(CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart.

No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead? Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello. Every pizza place.

Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information.

You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book.

I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want. (EXCLAIMS) Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle. You had your chance and you blew it. Well, now you're too late. I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm. I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's hot. Aw, This meat stinks something fierce! Ha! This ought to knock her down a couple notches.

Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back! Oh, thank God. We made it.

I don't understand, but nothing makes sense in these swamp monster times. (YELLS) We did it, Daddy! I have my husband back, and you have your company. Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who... BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

You hear that? Sounds like we're being boarded from the rear, and not the, "Hey, take a deep breath, let's experiment," kind of boarded from the rear. (CLEVELAND BEEPING) Could you hold on to this bag?

Oh! Like Rosa Parks. Or, you know, or someone white named Parks. Nothing cuter than a nervous white dog. Well, I'm Brian and... gosh, if I'm not being too forward, it's lovely to meet you, Miss Parks. Oh, please. Call me Shauna.

Peter, What are you doing? I spent hours soldering that costume for you. I don't need it anymore, Lois. I quit the team. Quit the team? But You can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were-- D-d-Did you just say "big meet"?

the heart of a champion margarine hat. Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd. And happy 23rd birthday. You're welcome. Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Introducing tonight's fighters. In this corner, weighing in at 134 pounds,

That was a lovely service, Francis. Super. And only 3 more hours till school. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?

I love the trombone! Wow! I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college.

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words. Check out my penis!

I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth and my wife is ghastly. Bombs away! Talk to me, Goose. Please don't call me that.

Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine. Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans.

Oh, my God! Did she just say that George P. Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name? Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, the greatest movie of all time. I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that?

Okay, Mark Burnett, you did Survivor and The Apprentice. Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiveable things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money? I got some ideas. Here's a nickel, pull down your pants. There's a show. Yeah-ha! Go. All right, now, who's gonna make a show about horrible New Jersey freaks?

Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg. Let's go, kids. Time for school.

(GRUNTS) Stewie, you're alive. Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated. You have an annoying habit of turning up where you're not welcome. Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y." If you'll turn to Page 34 of your blue books,

It's like I told you, Lois. This time it's different. Adam is the most kind and attentive man I've ever known. Oh, that's interesting. 'Cause I remember you saying the same exact thing about Evan. Isn't that right, Evan? Yeah, yeah, I do remember her saying that about me. Evan. What are you doing here? I brought him.

Mr. Woods, how do I get a girl to like me? Oh, Chris, I'm your father. Call me Dad. Okay, Dad. How do I get a girl to like me? Well, there's a number of ways, Chris. For example, Heather Graham and I had a mutual friend,

Hey, New Brian. I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

Who wants a brand-new Xbox? Yay! Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God! You're the best father ever!

Tom, residents all over Quahog have been affected by the heavy rains, although some are doing their best to ride it out. For example, I'm here with Rides-a-Ten-Speed-Everywhere Guy. Sir, why are you riding your ten-speed in the rain?

Well, we've got something almost as good. Here they are, the Opal Ring Players. Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie. Yeah, Matthew, that pizza pie was delicious. Hey, watch out, crazy driver. That joker must have been from Jefferson High. (ALL LAUGHING) They're our rivals. Well, here we are at the make out point.

What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened. As soon as that guy shows up any place, it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth.

That happened, and we all let it happen. All right, class, two things today. I'm no good at math, and I don't have a certificate to teach driver's ed,

Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!

You know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable.

(GRUNTS) Yeah, you like that, huh? This guy is tough! No fair. He knows karate.

'Course we are, Brian. Friends with benefits.

Hey, Joe! What're you doing down there? There's no ramp! I can't get inside! Well, we don't need him anyway.

Ah! Ah! Ow! Oh, God! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth?

Well, now what? - You want to play 20 questions? - Sure. - Uh, is it a man? - Yes. - Is he famous? - Yes. - Is he under 40? - No. - Over 40? - Yes. - On television? - Yes. - On television now? - No. - In the past 20 years? - Yes. Is it Richard Mulligan? Yes!

He's never coming out of that coma.

You'd think enough for a shirt, right? (LAUGHS) So I'm having this housewarming thing tonight and I'd love it if you came by. Yeah, that sounds great. Anything beats what goes on at my house Friday nights. Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter. Come join us. Oh, okay! (SNAPPING)

Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man.

Love lift us up where we belong where the eagles fly on A mountain high love lift us up where we belong

He was... Oh, no, no, no. Actually, no. You know what would be better? Hey, wait, wait. Just walk out like this. I just... Look... I just come out like this, but just, like, all serious. Like this totally, like, completely serious. - Like... Like I don't even know I'm wearing them. - MAN: Oh, man! Death. Death to America.

You convinced me to keep a job I hate just so you could fly free? You know, If I talked real loud like that, I could make you look like the bad guy, too. My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face!

"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!" Whoa! Aah!

Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from.

Anyone else have to go to the little girl's room? I have new gloss. " love gloss. Gloss rhymes with hair. - STEWIE: Dude, that was painful. - What are you doing here? Did you follow us? Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here? Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'm gonna have to break it off.

That is real... Wow, that is awesome. I'm really impressed. Oh, wait, I can hurdle my own leg like they used to do in the '90s. Okay, all right, this is gonna sound really weird. This is gonna sound really weird, but I really want you to do it, okay?

He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us. Have you seen any sign of Muriel? Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

"maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise.

Hello, neighbor.

Well, it looks like I'm a man with no sperm. But I'll always be a man with no sperm who once had a wonderful day.

(WRAPPER CRINKLING) (WRAPPER CRINKLING) Well, now nobody gets them.

What do you got? I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town. Totally confused. Do it. Okay, now, we're gonna need 15 workplace comedies where people talk to the camera for some reason. You, you, you and you. Go.

Ok, e-everyone, it's time for my one-man show, Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye. Ok, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh. "Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like a crumpet? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

(SHIVERS) Peter, you left the flap open. It's like a thousand degrees in here, Lois. Close the tent now! It's freezing! Headline. "Woman Cold." (WIND WHISTLES)

Hey, what time is it? We're gonna miss the movie. Yeah. Let's go, everyone. (SNIFFING)

No, no. I totally get it. Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up!

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby!

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this.

It's raining luggage and babies and limbs and Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child.

Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again. We got a big tournament coming up next week. Well, hurry back, handsome. Oh, Peter, this is so much fun. I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain.

Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on. Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie. Don't move!

(ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois.

Oh, I get it. That-- That's kind of funny. Yeah. Can I have a copy of Jugs? In French, when you want to say "yes," you say oui, oui. You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical!

Hello? Over here. Thank you for meeting us here. Can I offer you a cigarette? - Peter. - Sorry. We have to keep this brief. Why are we herE? No cameras! The T.V. executives don't want viewers to get confused and think you're Meg Griffin. So You're just gonna let them recast me?

Like a Twinkie. Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around? No, I haven't. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor. When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way. Last night, for God's sake, you farted. I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon?

No wonder Santa lost his mind. This is ridiculous! We can't do this! Nobody can. It's inhuman! All right, come on, let's get out of here! Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer!

You--You're kidding, right? Que?

PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time!

I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois. He's a real pal, you know that? Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about. Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he? I mean, Quagmire's a lot of fun at a party, but, you know, he's so horny all the time, I feel like I can't trust him. Cleveland's a great guy but he's got a mustache, so you got to wonder what he's hiding.

All right. Ok. Enough, Batman. I don't want... Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman? Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh!

It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts. No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you?

What's a hypotenuse? Stewie, I know you're a little mad at me right now. But, when you see where I'm taking you, you're gonna change your mind. Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what...

Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

I love you, Lois. You know that, right?

So, Peter, any luck finding your wallet? No, and it's getting to be a pain in the ass. I got no money. I couldn't even afford to get my hair cut yesterday. That'll be $5. Sorry, lost my wallet. But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now.

Ahh! Ow. Hya! Ahh!

Yes, it is. What's the secret password? Mustache. All right. Come on in. Good afternoon, mustache wearers. Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet. There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month,

Damn it! Maybe if we make it mad, it will come down here, and we can catch it and get the finger. Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green. You're the laughingstock of the poop world.

Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it. But Brian, I love you!

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

(CHRIS FARTING) CHRIS: Sorry. You really know how to waste a Cialis, don't you?

Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

All right, class. We have a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin... from the North. Wow! What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits? We sure do. oh!

But, listen, there is something I got to fess up to. While I was living with y'all, I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

All right! All right! You've got 3 days to earn a badge! 3 days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going!

Inspection. (BUZZER SOUNDING) You Andy Dufresne? A little bit. You? (LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you? I understand you make Star Wars figurines.

Okay, everyone, hurry up and hand in your Oscar picks before it starts.

STEWIE: (IN COUNTRY ACCENT) Yeah? Yes. I'm calling about the ad in the paper. You seen my dog? You calling about my dog? He's all I got because I'm a young street tough and my parents ain't so good to me. So, have you heard anything? Did anybody see anything or anybody? I can see Old Reggie now, sitting there with a smile on his face,

How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

This is gonna take us to the next level.

Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine. Thank you, Doctor. I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom.

We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

(STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

peter, Where the hell have you been? We had a date. Sorry, honey. I must've lost track of the time. What do you say? You think the guys will like it? This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends? Yeah, isn't it great?

Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday. You giving me credit? Yeah, I just told him. I'm the one who told him. So, where is the birthday girl?

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian. Hide! PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go

Yeah, so, going pretty good. I got six pacifiers now.

Don't hurt her! Now, let him go! Okay! Okay! You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee. I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody.

A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You're a happy guy when you plant the seed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed!

Well, my science class is taking a field trip to the water purification center. And? And it costs $10 for lunch and the bus. Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10?

Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

What? Are you serious? I feel like I didn't get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose? All right. But I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow-kite. This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong? You got to get her running before you start running.

Hey, you guys mind scooting over a little bit? Ooh. Sorry, Peter, doesn't look like there's any room. What... What do you mean? Well, there's only one space left, and I promised it to that cow. This is gonna be so much fun! I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof and wave my arms and go, "Whoo! I'm in Hollywood!" (WHOOPING) I'm in Hollywood! See? I said I'd do it!

And even though I didn't know the guy, I just dug in and started stuffing that chicken into my mouth. Uh-oh! Embarrassing. I've done that. It was so delicious. But... It wasn't fried chicken. It was a baby! (SOBBING) It was a baby.

Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now. Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey. What is it, Lois? I--I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone.

See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. Now, smile while I write my name in you. PETER: Let go!

Oh! Oh, thank you, Charmese. Thank you so much. (STAMMERS) I can't believe you'd do that for me. Well, it's for me, too. You were real nice to me, Glenn, nicer than any other guy's been, but I wanted to be somebody's wife, not somebody's burden. Good luck to you, sweetie. And good luck to you, Charmese.

So I guess you heard about Meg's boyfriend, huh?

Is that ham? I thought you put that back. Oh, um... No, I put the other ham back. I don't remember another ham. Well, you were too busy eyeballing that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover. Hey, she is a handsome woman.

(RIPPING) Oh, look, Joe. He's making friends. Oh, sorry. You know what? It's all right, Quagmire. That leg is mostly pus.

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty.

Peter? Oh! Oh, uh, Ah, h-Hi, Mr. Weed! Well, It seems you've made a full recovery. Oh, yeah. yeah. W-- Uh-- That--That plane crash I told you about,

Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help!

And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of Hot dogs All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home.

What do you want? Honey, I just feel awful about this whole situation. Oh, I'm sorry, Lois. You want me to drag my sack across your face? Not now, Quagmire. Sorry, I did it... That's a mistake... I'll go make her some coffee.

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard.

(TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

That's what I thought. Oh, man.

but are you doing anything Thursday night? You probably have plans anyway. You know what. Forget it, forget it, forget it.

No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

Hi. Peter Griffin. So, Where do you want to go? We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

So, did you break up with Lauren? No, I didn't. As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what?

Wait a minute. Something's different. Hmm. Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager? And help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding. Holy crap. It's a gay bar!

I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg. I wanna show you something.

Oh, God! I told you I'd get her to say it. Oh, God! All right. Go on. Get out of here.

A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

Okay, we're here as friends, but I'm gonna change your mind one day. Whoa! Easy there, Spencer. Now behave yourself, and there'll be a withered carrot for you later.

Well, if I overload the return pad's reactor, it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe, but it's too risky. But it could get us home. Well, maybe, but it'll break my thing. And if I overload that reactor, we could both die. Well, you at least have to try. And if you don't, I am gonna spend the rest of eternity chuckling at a joke that I am not gonna share with you.

Look who I found at the train station! My baby! Mommy missed you so much!

The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for. It turned a pretty nice profit. I guess it's only fair that I give you my percentage so you can get your house back. Quagmire, I don't know what to say. Thank you. You're welcome.

I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself. Lois, what was I gonna do? It was either do it their way or get canceled.

Wha-What could me and you do together? Lois! You've got a sick mind! Peter, I'm talking about making love. Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did. I found my baby book! Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. And, The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake. You see, Meg? I'm the favorite!

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh."

You must be starving, Peter. What am I, on trial here? Maybe you should just eat something, Peter. Go on, put some food in your mouth. Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God! Peter, are you feeling all right? Oh, he's fine. You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea. He eats with porpoise.

You were crying in the corner. Holy crap. Stay back. Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers. That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there? Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING)

(PETER SINGING JINGLE)

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it.

What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972. Exemplary. Rock and roll.

Just watch. I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should.

(TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25.

No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta.

I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here.

Usually he can't even handle simple tasks. Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha! Peter, Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here.

I suppose I'm not either. I guess none of us are perfect. Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J. You see, none of us are perfect.

That's not the point! Well, if you think about it, I wasn't really cheating 'cause it was with you.

All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Hi. Cookie? No, No, actually it's Stewie, but-- Well, you-- you can call me Cookie if you like. Yes, I've also been known to answer to Artimus, Agent Buchwald, and Snake. Yes, Yes, i--I rather like Snake. Snake Griffin.

I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness. Don't hear those crickets no more. (STRAINING) I'm not gonna make it. You hang in there, you hear me? Listen to me. I want you to take care of my kids. I will.

PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

I am! It won't go back in! Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull! Oh, My God! What? What? It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that.

Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth! So if she wasn't around, we could still be friends, right?

5-5-5-0-1-4-3. Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing. Hello? Quagmire? - Yeah. - Hey, it's Peter. What's going on, buddy? We're at your house. Peter, he's the one we saw sleeping with Loretta! Oh, my God! Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen! Look, I didn't mean it, you know? I--I knew it was a mistake!

$100 million! ...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million!

You know, I can probably help you with that elbow. Does that feel better? Yeah! It feels a lot better. Wow! You're the best man ever! Oh, hardly. Excuse me. I'm just gonna use the restroom really quick. I'll go with you. Oh, my God! Gay!

Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had. And you've had some pretty stupid ones.

Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them? Yeah. Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me. Yeah? How'd that go? Not well, Brian. Not well.

I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over. That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

(SCREAMS) (SCREECHING) (HISSING) (FLUSHES) (HISSES)

Well, Mrs. Mayor, how do you feel? Oh, I'm a little nervous, Brian, but mostly I'm excited about all the good I'm gonna get to do. Wow, look at you. All that power and you've still got that body. And the first thing I'm gonna do as mayor is clean up Lake Quahog.

Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh?

Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now. You okay? Yeah, babe.

What am I going to do?

(VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me. Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.

What? Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn. No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.

Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually.

I know, which is why I just planted another bomb that's set to go off every time he burps into his hand. (GROANING) I'd better make sure my wallet's okay.

(RINGS DOORBELL) (DOOR OPENING) Hi, I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday? Chris, this is our house. Ah. Then what is for dinner? Pork chops. Excellent.

Sorry, everybody. Okay, I'm on my way.

Look around you. The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.

We sold out! Yeah. The whole town's talking about your show, Dad!

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power

on your poop deck.

Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report brought to you by Kia. Kia: Too bad it's a Kia. A big day at Fenway today, as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six. But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game. The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube.

Well, uh, I can't just... You're--You're my best friend's wife. Reach into... All right! Yeah, you go in and get that. Show that fishy who's boss. Loretta, they have some of that 3-bean salad you're so fond of. Hey, Quagmire. Well, we'll, uh, have to do this again sometime.

We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me.

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget.

The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Sorry, y'all. That's the first time I ever throwed anything.

what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner... Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh?

Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

(CLASS GIGGLING) Okay, it's just a rear end. We all have one.

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Hey, where's everybody going? That's not how we end this class.

Look! (SCREAMS) He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice.

A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God! (DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

You've nullified the contract. I'm free! Free?

Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?

Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here.

But, Mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card. Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling? Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!

Can I help you? Yeah, I'm Brian. I'm the guy all the comedians have been talking about. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Lauren is in the back. Just follow the music and you will find her. Thanks. (VIOLIN PLAYING)

Those were the happiest days of my life, and I want more of those days. Please, Jillian, I love you. Will you please take me back?

I know I was. That's why I started Stewie's Big and Tall Man Shop. If you're portly or tall you'll find a friendly atmosphere brimming with personalized and expert service. Hey, Stewie. How's the weather up there? Very fair. Like our prices. Hey, dude. You want some of these?

You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. Carol, how are you? Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things, in a horrific war, that only one other person here could possibly come close to understanding. Ida.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum? Treaches on the upper with the trang sang.

(RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent!

Pubic wig. I got one. You want it?

I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello! - Hey. What's going on? - What the hell? Get out of here! What? We're on the same team. We shower together. Yeah, in the locker room. Yeah, yeah, come here, you. Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy? We're just a couple of guys messing around.

There's no factory?

How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe! - PETER! - What? Are you sleeping on the job?

You got it, Dad. You can count on me...

Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?"

Do you have your confirmation number?

Brian, there's that girl from my yoga class I wanted you to meet.

You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

Hey, You're on our turf, man!

Now that you're stinking rich we'll gladly be your bitch My God, this house is freakin' sweeT

Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go!

Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this!

Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!

than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse.

All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

PETER: No, you're going to yell at me! You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names. You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation. Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois. Would that make you happy if I was never born? What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?

You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids.

hand over hand, like a fancy magician's scarf trick. Then I would fashion the lower intestine into a crude giraffe and give it to his children as a Christmas morning stocking stuffer. And then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace I point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?"

Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee!

Lose the zero, get with the hero. Little violent for you, don't you think? Heh! I'll be right over there.

I wasn't making a joke. I was just asking... Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday. And if you don't pass, you are not in the class. Fluffy! Fluffy, come down! Oh, Mommy, Daddy, what are we gonna do?

I picked this up on Dateline from that yummy exoskeleton, Maria Shriver. Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen!

Everybody, spit on Meg.

Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they?

Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What?

Ma'am, the men who took your daughter are most likely members of a sophisticated network of human smugglers. If she's not found within 96 hours, chances are she's gone forever.

You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this. You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

(SNIFFING) Over here! I think I smell 'em. Oh, my God! Look down there.

and second of all, I have to be inspired before I write. Well, how about a little TV? ANNOUNCER: We now return to Magnum, b.m. Magnum, I found a fingerprint smudge at the crime scene. Do you have poo on your hands? (SNIFFING) A little. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

Look, I believe life is sacred. And I know you want Scotty to live a full life. (LAUGHS) And if that's true, then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will. I mean, what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers?

And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up. Griffin! Lady Redbush!

Wow, look at this. I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind. Hey, you guys wanna see something?

Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you.

I moved my abortion for this. Um, hey, thanks for taking me out to dinner, Ryan,

Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Now let's move on to the washing of the hands.

It's Neil Goldman's face. Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature. If I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I Would've never done it. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, I went to the streets to find out. Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No. No way! No. No! No. No.

Wow, this is amazing, Chris. Look at this, Lois, a week ago, we call him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. Right, stupid? (GROANS) I'll do better. So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do,

I'll be back tomorrow for the $80. And I'm taking your welcome mat. Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here.

I think they're making a sign to tell us something.

STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers. They're in the cabinet. I don't see them. They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking at? Can't you just come in here? No, I'm busy!

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.

All right, where's the package? Here it is. So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something. Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package. Who are you? Griffin! You got to help me, Dr. Hartman. I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate.

Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God!

Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party.

Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

Fellas, the debate's in the bag, all right? If there's one thing I can do, it's play to a crowd.

Take that! All right, I'll do that, too!

(MAN CLAPPING) Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.

Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car? Blast! Ooh! A penny! Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here?

Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it. Let's just do something else to make money.

ls somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy?

Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V. if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm.

What's the difference? What's this? This is the bathroom at my work. That's right. And there you are in the stall with your boss, Angela. What? PETER: Oh, my God, Angela. That was... That was... That felt so good. ANGELA: All I want to do is please you, Griffin.

But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming. CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."

No, no, I need it. I need it. Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from.

Olive juice. Olive juice? Olive juice you, too.

Sylvester Stallone in that porno, and Bill Cosby beating up that midget.

"Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger." Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are? All right? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me. (CHUCKLING) So all we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we'll have our murder weapon, and if we're lucky, it may just mean we'll have our killer.

Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird?

There were nine dogs in that litter.

Next, Peter Griffin and his dog, "Brain." We're off to a good start.

Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant. What? Oh, my God, Meg, why didn't you tell me? I didn't think you wanted to see me. But this changes everything.

All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again. I won't, I swear! (SOBBING) Stewie, calm down. Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you.

Do you remember who it was? Yes, I do. It was Stewie.

Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch! (SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you.

Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS. We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels

Well, Quagmire, sorry it had to end this way. A tragic hunting accident. I guess that little baby's gonna grow up without an uncle. Actually, I have a brother. Gary Quagmire. Oh. I think you've got a brother, too, don't you?

What's all this slime on the floor? Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach. Wait a minute. Hang on a second. What's going on here? Something doesn't add up.

In French, when you want to say "yes," you say oui, oui. You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes."

You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri?

This is not good. No one knows we're out here, and we've got no food or water. Relax, Quagmire, there's food all around us. The trick is just knowing what's safe to eat and what's not. Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival.

Take two of these and call us in the morning.

Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight. No problem. We got money to get that fixed, with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the KennedyS. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem

Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible. What the hell? Dang it, I got a nosebleed.

What the hell is this? For crying out loud!

Look, it's not like we've got a lot to live for. I mean, I'm just gonna end up like Chris, only I'll be smart enough to realize how miserable I am. And you've only got a few good years left anyway, and that's if we even get out of here alive. (SIGHING) All right, Stewie. Let's do it.

Well, I'm off to work. Ok, honey. One of our neighbors took that trophy, Lois, and I'm gonna find out who. I'm taking Stewie with me again. Fine, sweetie. This whole thing just makes me sick! For crying out loud, We played Pictionary with them!

undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is. - From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots. Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache? That was Roy, he's hilarious. Was this a cartoon?

Over the next several months, I developed a relationship with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek. Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends. That's how I found out he was a white supremacist.

Right into the bumper.

Not less. Now, get the hell out of my town. (CAR ENGINES STARTING) (TIRES SQUEALING) Nice going, Joe.

Now get the hell out of here, you nut,

(FLUSHES) (HISSES) (SIGHS) Get out! (SQUAWKING)

I'm a slutty cat. (SCOFFS) Why has that become what Halloween is for girls today? It's just an excuse to dress slutty. "I'm a slutty nurse," "I'm a slutty pirate," ""I'm a slutty cancer survivor." Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

Oh, my God! What the hell's happening?

Help! help! That was great! Look at-- Look at her! She's still shaking. Bastards. That was beautiful. Hey, throw me a beer, would you?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You see these, Rupert? I call these my "buffet pants." I understand that in Las Vegas, there is shrimp for the taking. And after all, what's healthier than seafood for 10,000 in the middle of the desert? You almost ready, Stewie? We should probably start heading to the airport. Yes, I was gonna talk to you about that, actually. Last night, I was thinking to myself,

You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois? Chemistry class? Freshman year? Joycie? You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong? Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney. You ruined my adolescence, Lois.

You know, you're not gonna get away with this. Kidnapping me is one thing, but you killed Cleveland!

She's right. All the hours we've wasted on that damn idiot box. I'm gonna paint my house! I'll build a ship in a bottle. I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road. I'll take you home, honey.

He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my God. That's an episode! Brian, will you read him in? (SIGHS) "I'm sorry, Byron. Missing the midterm is an automatic failure."

All right, I got my corner. Everybody ready? Ready. Chris? Ready. Meg?

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, it's me. Knock, knock. So, you got my money? Oh, yeah. I'll pay you soon. Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours?

I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down. Uh-oh. What? My time machine has been activated. Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk."

Because of an accident at the quahog Cable Company television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane?

Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing,

Chris, do Daddy a favor. In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel. Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him. So, you feel better, Meg? All better, Mom. I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made.

Ok. For my 307th book, uh... this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it?

(HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this!

I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. (LAUGHS)

Hai! "Peter who hasn't answered "because something has gone terribly wrong." LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you there? Now, let's go get that kid. (SIGHS) Okay, he's in the left upstairs bedroom. All right, you keep the car going in case there's trouble.

Oh, thanks, Mike. I hate fire stations. (IN DIFFERENT VOICE) No problem, man. (SNIFFING) Is that alcohol on your breath? Yeah, maybe. You're playing this too fast and loose, Mike.

You were a good sport this year, Quagmire. Well, you know, Peter, it's all in good fun, right? You know, my grandfather used to have a saying... (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Holy crap, you speak Ebonics? No, no, Peter, it's Japanese.

I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup

That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam! (MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1.

(ROARING WITH LAUGHTER) - Oh! Hey, Brian. - Hey.

Give me one! I want to look adult. Hey, watch this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Yeah? Watch this.

What's wrong with me? My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? Oh, Lord!

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well!

Jesus, Joe. That's normal. Wow, looks like the whole neighborhood's out here. Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out. - Hello, Peter. - Argh! (STUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you doing out here in all this snow? Just taking my rabbit to the vet.

JEFF: So what? I need money for motor oil and wallet chains!

Hello? Over here. Thank you for meeting us here. Can I offer you a cigarette? - Peter. - Sorry. We have to keep this brief.

I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? Of course. Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. Well, hello.

There's a little bit of good in everyone. Except that president guy from The Hunger Games. He was pretty bad. This year, in addition to the Hunger Games, we're going to do the Special Hunger Games. I'm Andy! I love you, Andy! Come on, guys, fight.

Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

Ah, Great. A-a-and--And what's your friend's name? Dick Armey. Pthht! Aw, go-- No. No. No seriously. What's his name? Dick Armey. Pthht!

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister.

We used to kid this guy all the time. Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy!

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, look at this place.

(GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays! Wouldn't I love a tinker toy

Peter, this all looks very expensive. Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive.

Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody.

FAITH: Well, Hope, f don 't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits. HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking powder. It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING) FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale.

That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

Ow! Bitch! Okay, let's get the presents under the tree. All right, you have 'em? I thought you had them. For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh! Crap. On the roof? (CREAKING) No, it's in the yard.

A. Don't ever listen to me talk. You don't deserve my words. B. When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically. And C. You actually like High School Musical? What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room. Questions? Hey, Meg. Take that!

(BRIAN RUNNING)

Maybe I should go in. He's so upset. He's just being melodramatic. You've got to ignore it if you really want to help him. Are you flexing? What, me? No. Why would I be flexing? I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going... (GRUNTING)

(CROWD CHEERING) Oh, my God, that guy is huge.

Oh, my God! What do we do? What do we do?

Fat man with his kids and dog drove in through the morning fog

But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused. I'm not confused. I've never been more certain about anything in my life. I need him. Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're...

Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here.

Peter, can you pass the coffee? Sure, Brian the dog. Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING) I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)

Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee. Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore. Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy. I want you to get rid of all this right now,

Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men.

What's that? It's a gift for you. You don't deserve it, but if anything, it's gonna wake you up a little bit.

Susie You're a baby That's all I have so far.

Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore. In a public restroom, lad? For the good of your soul, show some restraint. Hey, Hey, hot-dog guy! I'll get him. Oh, no, Dad, they bring them to you. Well, la-de-da. I don't need my food brought to me. I'm not a broken- down old mule!

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go right, B, up, dodge, left, uppercut... (CHUCKLES) Listen to me telling you how to play the game.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me.

Where will you two be going on your scummymoon?

Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M... So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

PETER: That went exactly as I wanted it to go.

Oh, yeah. A lot of crazy shit went on last night. Well, we were both drunk. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right. We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend. I don't know what the phrase is. What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition.

Oh, you beast! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs. I shall miss you, too, sir. PETER: With no one to look after, Carstairs fell into a deep depression from which he never emerged. He died two weeks later. Some say of a broken heart. What, sir? But that was Carstairs.

Prepare yourself, Brian, and I'll show you. (BEEPING) (WHIRRING) BRIAN: Where are we?

My God, look at you. Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot. I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs. WOMAN: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko. (LAUGHS) Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it.

Oh, you dick, that's genius. How'd your date go?

(BOTH GROANING) I caught this piece. Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right? I don't know. I actually just had elbow surgery. I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today. Why would you trip me deliberately?

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high. I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. I love you, Peter Griffin. Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me.

Hi, I'm Jillian. Desiree. Charmed. Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned. Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away. Well, have fun. You two are a really cute couple.

Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa,

All right, let's figure out what we know here. The gun was clearly meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way. So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods. What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy. How do you not know about trick-or-treating?

You know, If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me. All right, now, let's do some role-playing.

There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!

It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun. E-e-Everybody does it. E-Everybody I know-- Shut up!

"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!" Whoa! Aah!

you could shoot the dog biscuits out,

(THE BALLAD OF BILLY THE KID PLAYING) Well, he robbed his way from Utah to Oklahoma And the law just could not seem to track him down And it served his legend well (CROWD CHEERING)

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

don't, don't, don't, don't don't you forget about me

Humina-humina-humina!

I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh!

Come here, puss. Come here. Come here, puss. Here, puss.

How's your stewed fox quail, my dear? It's quite good. I'm also enjoying the turtled hen. Isn't the turtled hen good? So, listen, you and I need to have a conversation about you not bearing me a son. Well, my lord, we've discussed this. We have to have sex in order for me to bear you a son.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Ah, Brian. I am glad you could come to my faculty cocktail party. Let me introduce my wife Helen. Damn it, Steve. You forgot to put out the cheese and crackers.

Ah, I'm exhausted. Come on. Let's get a coffee. Oh, The smoke is so acrid. Ugh! A man can hardly breathe in here. You should get some hash, man. You can't go wrong. Oh, Not true. Ground meat can go very wrong for me, very quickly.

You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal.

so it doesn't freeze? (ORCHESTRA PLAYING) (PEOPLE APPLAUDING) (SINGING)

(ALARM BUZZING) Oh, there's the pie. Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter?

Wow. Well, what do you think, Floyd? How did Lois Griffin do what no other challenger could do and knock out Deirdre Jackson? I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and wake up. And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight? My Puerto Rican wife got fat.

Beautiful. Oh, My God! Are you Stephen King? No. I'm Dean Koontz. Oh. ugh! Ugh!

I was kind of right.

Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem. Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night. Keep it down. Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with a lead pipe. Peter, I'm not sure I'm comfortable having this wedding at the house.

"The lightning bolt that..." (GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

You heard her, the crazy skank wants to be a wife. She's found herself a husband and she's not letting go.

Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope.

So clockwise. So, yeah! Okay, all right. Yeah, so you twist it clockwise. Okay. Go! You know what? Put it down. Put it down for a sec. My fingers are killing me. Han, they're shooting at us.

Let's get the hell outta here.

I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?

WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts.

we gather here to-- Uh-oh! Well, that was so nice. A good sermon and such beautiful songs. Yeah, It was just like that other Jewish musical we saw.

and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong.

I don't know, Red Heinie Monkey? (LAUGHS) I love it! I love it. All right. Now, what's his wacky neighbor duck's name? Giddy Goose? Meg, please try to formulate ideas clearly before you vocalize them. I'm not sure you're getting the show, Meg. All right, names, names, names. Come on now. (GASPS) Poopy Face Tomato Nose! Yes! Write it down. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not. Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so.

then we went out to the Viper Room, and he OD'd again. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) Jesus Christ, everybody!

I'd like to go to the mall, Grandpa.

Down by the shores of the hanky-panky Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky (SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate.

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

And when he woke up in the morning, she was still in his bed! (SCREAMS) - That's it? - Yeah. And then she wanted to make him eggs! (SCREAMS) And he said, "Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30." And she said, "I'll drive you there!" (SCREAMS) And he said, "No, no, it's at my office.

Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here?

do you love me do you love me... Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own riches. Money doesn't buy happinesS. Oh, I beg to diffeR. You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal!

Did I hold on to the ball?

Nonsense! Force is the only thing a despot like Peter Griffin understands. Oh, Fine. Why don't we just drop a bomb on hiM?

ALL: Ew! I farted during the murmuring. What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us.

You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs. Freddie Sanford Freddie Sanford and his son Freddie Sanford In a junkyard having fun What the devil will they screw up next? (GASPING) You are Kanye West!

tr, 21, 18, 7, 42. Oh, my God! I won! I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free! As she coming back? " don't know.

oh! ah! Oh. So, you ladies ever been penetrated? Yup. Yup. Yup. Mmm-hmm.

At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

And in here, we're test-marketing a new mascot, Meaty, the Quick to Anger Clown. Hey, kids! Who likes McBurgertown burgers? I do! There was more to my question!

Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night.

You're probably never even gonna see him again. Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this!

What about lemon juice? Oh, What about club soda? What about shutting the hell up?

Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk,

Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.

Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience. Oh, Thank GoD! OH, Yeah, thank God. thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself! So, when am I gonna diE? About 2 years after your wife divorces you.

PETER: Of course, back then, the South was a very different place than it is today. A backward place where they didn't believe in science and hated others just for being different. Time has a way of changing a place and its people. Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What?

Okay, take it easy, man.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Yeah. I am ready for sex! I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode! Is there more underneath, or is that it? I'm sorry? (LAUGHING) Zac, just get the hell out of my car!

Boy, it's really raining hard. Yeah, well, we needed it. What? Peter, we've been married a long time. Why do I still get guy-in-an-elevator small talk? I don't know. You're the one talking about the weather.

I'm home! Who are you? We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins?

Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.

- A vagina? - Get out.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere

We have liftoff. We have liftoff. (LAUGHING) Come here, James. What the hell are we doing? Quagmire, since when do you like cats? Since I found this little guy living under my house. I'll tell you this. I understand now why the pharaohs worshipped these animals.

I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks. Who cares? I don't need Quagmire. And I certainly don't need Joe.

Mmm, I know where I go when I want to relax. I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this so you can get some exercise. Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg! - ANNOUNCER: Now, back to Happy Days. - Ah, that Fonzie is magic.

All right, now the prosecution is about to show you items pertinent to this case that have been entered into evidence. It is vitally important that you look but don't touch, as any fingerprints could contaminate them. Exhibit A, one bloody Slinky.

Oh, you'll have to have a seat. There's a 25-minute wait. Twenty-five minutes? Oh, God. All right, I better go put more money in the meter. Peggy, would you send in the next... Oh, you're already here. Say, aren't you a little young to join the army? No, I have that, uh, Webster disease.

Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)

Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need?

Wow. Like, minor surgery? No, serious surgery. Like a blown kidney or something. Geez. Good question, Peter. - Is the man gay? - No. Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian? No, but, actually, you know what? I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse?

I don't have my shoes. Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes? I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules.

Leave this lot, losers. Unless you want a licking. And we'd love to deliver that licking, right, fellows? Yeah. - Love it. - A lot. I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer. God, I wish the power would come back on.

I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement. Everyone, Ricardo and I are getting married! Oh, that is terrific! It's about time you two settled down. Oh, you hear that, Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So... This is awkward, but, uh, I mean, if they can do that, that's pretty much it for you, isn't it?

Olive juice you, too.

Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this! Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give

Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.

I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) Which one of you is the lucky bride?

All races living together in harmony and love. Pancakes! He must still be working the junk out of his system. He needs hugs!

There's only one thing to do. We got to break it up. Gosh, Peter, thanks so much for being my best man. Oh, it's my pleasure. In fact, I got a wedding surprise for you. All right, back it up, guys. I know you got a foot fetish so I got you this Statue of Liberty's foot.

so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks.

(SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you.

He got us again! This whole thing just shows that women are nothing but trouble! You said it! Let's you and me swear off them for good! And how!

(CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

We'll spin you through the galaxy Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton,

on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a

Because you touch yourself at night.

I just can't do this. Come on, Is this any more degrading than washing cars? At least here you can be creative. Look, i--I want to make this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this. Unless I saw a script first.

Come on, dudes, let's go exercise. Exercise! Yeah! I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself.

God, I hate understudies. King Louis XVI has been sentenced to death by guillotine. (CHEERING) The part of King Louis XVI will be played by Jean De Menard. CROWD: Aw. Relax, you're going to do great. (SIGHS)

You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked!

Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE!

I'm singing right from the soul ALL: He's singing right from the soul My fanny needs a blanket and somebody to spank it I miss my mom But she's at the prom ALL: So I'm a prom night dumpster baby Prom night dumpster baby

(SIGHS) Tea Party. Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen. This town is going to go to hell.

(SNARLING) Give me that bear!

Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry, i--i--I can't eat this. Oh, Because it's not kosher. Yeah, let's go with that.

No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens. (ALL SCREAMING)

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland.

Last chance, Brian. Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What? Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing.

I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy. And I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market. Boy, this is really going to upset my evil brother, Thaddeus.

So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.

Oh, Yes! She's Such a little frosty box! She won't work with anybody. And Stewie Griffin is also on the fence. If he and Olivia don't deliver at their quarterly reviews, I'm just gonna have to kick their cute little bottoms out of here. Uh, This table is reserved for people with talent. Yeah, Stow the 'tude, queenie.

We, too, will go Somewhere that's Green

which by today's standards would be just under $49 billion. Brian, she's beautiful. Yeah. And--And that voice. I--I had no idea. in 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist.

Why don't you come with mE? No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?

Are you happy? I've never been happy. Oh, Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?

Lois! Lois! LOIS! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Atta girl! Shake your money-maker!

and then tell people not to go in there. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, you kids stay out of that cave! You don't know what's in there! (SIGHS) Money well spent. We're looking for fun, interesting families that viewers will want to watch.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

This is awful! What's happened to him?

No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous. Ok, disability claim.

Kill 'em. No, no, No. It's true.

(CHICKEN SQUEAKS)

Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight.

I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

Officer Swanson, I just wanted to say congratulations. I'm Nora. I just joined the force. Nice to meet you. Wow, I've heard so much about you. You're like a legend at the academy. Is it true you got straight A's in Officer Henderson's Overintensity Workshop? You're damn right I did!

(NATIVES YELLING) (GUN SHOTS) (WOMAN SHRIEKS)

Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything. Lois, you're not gonna believe this! Meg just said "Da-Da!" Her first words?

What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls. Uh, Hello?

Peter! Peter! - Dad! - Fat-ass!

I guess the government's pretty good, like Lois says. Actually, I took the toll roads. Privately built. Way smoother than the crumbling public road system. Yeah, Lois. Government sucks at doing stuff. Oh, no, toll roads sound great. Too bad only the very rich can afford to use them. I agree with Lois. Well, maybe more people could if the government wasn't taxing the bejesus out of them.

Hi, Rush. Listen, I have to tell you,

A raffle ticket, Brian. But not just any raffle ticket.

Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story, Meg. It's not a sob story! It's true! Oh, come on! You think I was born yesterday? I've dated convicts. I know how they talk. One day they're promising you the world, the next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during conjugal visits.

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom. WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

Also in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking with less than 19 hours to go before our planet is consumed by an expanding black hole. As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it. Hey, Mort. Now that the end of the world is here, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh?

I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.

But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Oh, my God! NO! It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now?

Wow. Never seen that happen before. What the devil happened here? I've assembled that rifle a million times. Well, I don't know if it's just the rifle. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing. Brian, if you've got something to say to me... All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up,

Then swear on that love that you'll do what I ask. Just name it. Kill him. Kill Brian for me. (EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Family Guy is brought to you by AXE Body Spray. AXE Body Spray. Spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower. Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh?

(CROWD CLAMORING)

My God, Dr. Hartman, isn't there any other way? I'm afraid not, Mrs. Griffin. BRIAN: I'll do it. What? I'll... I'll do it. I'll give you my kidneys. But Brian, you'll die!

Hmm, The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom. You're saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it. As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

Dad, that's just an urban legend. Hand to God. I'm telling you, it was a huge freakin' rat. 5 times as big as that guy's steak. Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story. Oh, I got a million of them. Like this, like uh, my buddy's sister's boss, he was, uh, drinking with a hooker in this Vegas bar. Bam! Woke up without his kidney.

I need information. I was molested by my dad.

My tulips! You dick. Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

(KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Friends until we die Again Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook.

This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went

What a queer. He's going all the way to Vermont for cat gifts and whatnot? You can get a scratching post down at Walmart for $2, pair of Lee jeans for $9. You know, they got seats for children now. You put them right in your car. Supposed to make them safer.

(CHUCKLES) All right, time to learn math from a black guy, I guess!

we'll begin a new life together. We'll blend in to the fabric of that community. Peter, we're in Asiantown. Well, at least I don't have to worry about the evil monkey here.

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell! Oh, Here's the paper towels.

(ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! Randy!

I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once. I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know? Ifl die tomorrow, there's nothing people would remember me for.

this many. Good morning, Mrs. Griffin. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Just kidding. So, uh, any problems? No. Everything's fine, Doctor. Lois?

David Schwimmer?

You failed, Your Highness. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.

My bike! Where's my bike?

Oh, Stewie. Yeah.

Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's... There's something different about you. You're not wearing glasses. Yeah, they got busted. I'm wearing contacts. I can see your eyes and your eyelashes! They're beautiful! Who cares? What gives?

That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous.

God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again!

Mr. Moore, Mr. Limbaugh, do you have anything to say to Fox News about this... What the hell? Who are you?

Nice, huh? Ah? Yeah, You like this? Oh, my God.

No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore. I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order.

Hey, Dad? Can I talk to you? Not now, son! Oh, uh, Sure. Go right ahead. I don't want to be a Scout, Dad. I just don't have fun there. I guess you're pretty disappointed in me. Well, Yeah! Dad, this is what I really like to do. What? You want to draw?

(GASPS) (SQUEALS)

All right, Mr. Griffin. Jobs you think you would be suited for. Let's see what you wrote. "Cowboy, astronaut... "warlock, more powerful astronaut, beer expert." Yeah. And I need something that pays more than my last job as... Sandy Duncan's glass eye. PETER: Hey Sandy. Sandy? SANDY: What?

We're hurting our own hometown.

Mom, I'm scared. I don't believe it. Are we really stuck in space? Oh, God, what if we have to live up here for the rest of our lives? I'm gonna miss drinking at The Clam. I'll tell you what I won't miss. That waiter who thinks he has to be funny.

STEWIE: Are you proud of yourself, that this is what you do? Is this a dime? Did you swallow a dime? STEWIE: Yeah, wipe it off and put it back in your purse, you white trash hen. There we go. Who's my clean little boy? (STEWIE GIGGLING)

we'll gladly be your bitch

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Jeopardy! presents, The Best of Contestant Banter. So, Ben, it says here you have a connection to milk. Yes, funny story. I discovered recently that I have an allergy to milk. (CHUCKLES) So I guess we won't be eating any cheese around you.

Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before. You're fired! Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home.

I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old.

But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go.

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind?

and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all!

You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah!

Who was that? That's my boyfriend, Devin. Are you ready for lunch? What you did to these kids... There is a special place in hell for people like you. Come on, let's go home.

MADAME CLAUDE: It is a crisp, clear spring morning,

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.

Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie's fat, too.

But this is all I can come up with. Chris, this is just a shaded-in triangle and the word "muff." For God's sakes, Meg, it's a first draft. Just tell me if you think the tone is right. Well, I don't know what this is,

I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there. (SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS)

Who knows? By now, Peter could be completely heterosexual again.

I said, when people die, they void their bowels. PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass. Well, you look a lot better. I did it, Brian!

I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris. Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois.

Oh. Hi, Consuela. Hello, Mr. Peter. No school today. So, I bring my nephew Mikey.

It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie. That's preposterous. I haven't-- Oh, There it is. All right.

Peter. Don't embarrass yourself. You need to just let this go. Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING) It's time for you to leave.

Yeah, I mean, the other day, I left a doodie right in the middle of a Crate and Barrel. Came back 45 minutes later, it was gone. Yeah, even school's getting more dangerous. The bullies have been so busy, they're outsourcing their bullying to India. MAN ON PHONE: Okay, do you see the back of your underwear in the mirror? Yes. Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can.

I'm retired now. Got a lot of free time. So what do you guys do here? Well, we usually just sit here and complain about our lives.

I have to go. I have, uh, terrible foot odor.

Honey, you were fantastic. And you were so cute when you were holding it. I know. I--I didn't want to give it up. - Yeah? - Let's steal it. What? No, wait. I got a better idea. Lois, let's have another baby. What?

Good as new. Rupert! It's really him. I don't believe it. You... You did this for me? And to help you feel better, I made your favorite dinner. Cut green beans. Atkins-friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest,

This here is our living room... PETER: All right, you guys, I've got a few porn scenarios for you to choose from. Hey, everybody. Got a pizza delivery for this sorority house. Did somebody order sausage? (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? Knock it off.

What, like, you think you have a shot with her? Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America.

These Texans are socially backward and politically, they're all stubborn as a mule. No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose. Of course he was. He was the star. No, you're wrong. Look it up.

Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah!

I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle.

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here? Oh! Hi, Brian. It was so nice of you to invite your girlfriend over for dinner. I invited her for dinner? Yes, you did. You wanted her to meet the family. Now, come here, Brian. Come sit by your friend Stewie. And then think about this,

What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is. - From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots. Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache? That was Roy, he's hilarious.

It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops.

Now we can finally clear that Chief Petty Officer of all charges. Oh, what's the point? Does anybody even watch this show? Well, yeah, old people. I mean, they--they--they don't really pay attention. They--They just like the noise and the company. Hey, how you doing? How's that hip doing there? Remember the '40s? (DOORBELL RINGS)

Wasn't she supposed to leave, like, two hours ago? I thought so. Go ask her what she's doing. I'm not asking her. You go ask her. Consuela, I thought you finished cleaning hours ago. Yeah. What are you still doing here? I wait for rain to stop. It's time for you to go home. Is too much rain. I stay.

Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.

(WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wow, Bonnie! You really took off the baby weight quickly. Oh, thanks, Lois. Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back? Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt. Mmm... That feels good.

Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.

But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOCALIZING IN TUNE)

Oh, man! When that-- When that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole... Oh. Where do they get their ideas? Huh? Where do they get them? You're the writer. You tell me.

Mexico! Mexico! Hey, is this beach topless? No, but my margarita's bottomless. Mexico! Mexico! I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero all the time when I get back home. Me, too. Mexico! Mexico! That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God.

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out.

(GRUNTS) Tom? Tom!

(TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef. - Up yours, Sting! - Yeah, yeah! Hey, what's that song he does that I hate? Uh, Desert Rose. Yeah, yeah, that song sucks.

Peter, I'm going first! Oh, no, you don't! Move your ass, Peter! You move yours! I made reservations with the maitre d'. Isn't that right, Cornelius? Lois Griffin, poop for one. I also need a poop. Do you have a reservation, sir? Yeah, I called a couple days ago.

It was my understanding that everyone had heard. Heard what? Brian, don't! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I could do it, Brian! I could do it right now and nobody would say a thing. I could blow your brains out and they'd throw me a parade!

Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married I have never been as angry as I... What is my piano doing down here? It was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but... Never mind.

All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You think I care about you? I don't. Yes, you do. I know you do. I don't really care. No, you're just smart enough and you're just clever enough to occasionally amuse me. If I had anybody else, anybody else to choose from, I would.

A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun Dance and shout 'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt Though they tried to defeat me

And that's why you're allowed to eat as much mozzarella as you want in any church. So the three wise men set off again on their journey. You sure this is the right way? Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star. Are you sure that's a star? We've had this conversation! Yes, it's a star!

Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time? Yeah, no, I'm havin' a good time. Uh, Hey, what's going on?

Where did he go? Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy! That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A--

since we wrote this essay together. "What is Hope?" by Chris and Meg Griffin. Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked. Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream.

That's a better deal than that Aaron Neville megaphone I bought. Okay, I wanna thank you guys for making me Activity Director for the day. Okay, first of all, can... (ECHOING) What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING)

Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!

so, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested. Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women.

Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face. Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS)

Rupert, I must bring her back to the present and raise her to be my wife. Oh, God, I bet that diaper is soaking wet. I can't let her get away! Oh, hi. Oh, hey, um, I just came to say, um,

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING)

Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well. All right, try it again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified. Aah! I don't want to play the piano! Indeed. Would you rather play the bassoon? aah!

Hey, Brian, can you read my play?

Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. What was that? Nothing. One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours. Here you go, little buddy.

(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do?

Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club. He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me. MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett!

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah!

And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons? MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy.

Hi. How's it going?

Did I hold on to the ball? Hang in there, Dad. I'm gonna get you fixed up.

Are you sure this will work? Chris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes. This whole thing was your idea! You'll find out. Dad, you're not making any sense! You just leave that to me. Ah, yes. Here we go. Chris Griffin. Hmm.

You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think That love is only That love is only For the lucky For the lucky - And the strong - And the strong

Oh, hi, Chris. How was school? It was great. I met a girl, Mom!

We had the abortion.

Cancun, actually, thanks for asking. Just got back. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure. (GASPS) (ALL GASPING) How was Cancun?

Like the other night, I had to go to your book club meeting. Well, I really admired the mother character's admission of personal torment after her daughter's death. I--i disagree. I felt a total lack of ethical integrity in her readiness to abandon her children and start a life of her own. Ah, Here's another thing: The book can also be

Listen, you just got to give me more time...

Poor kid. What a senseless war. I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter. Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you. And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-- Meg, do you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow.

No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it! PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died?

I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house. Or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done. Oh, no. that's just... My husband's the same way. So's mine.

Oh, I have to buy a new dress. All the ones I have make me look fat. Oh... The story on everyone's mind continues to be the absence of police officers in Quahog. Sir, as a citizen, how has this affected you? The police are gone? Oh, my God, we're finally safe!

Ok. Wrap it up, kid. All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be "nice." Good boy! Now smile for the camera. Yes. Yes. Smile, like a good boy.

(LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)

because they don't test on animals. Wow. You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankinD. What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

(MACHINE HISSING) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there?

We don't even look the same! All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh.

You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. You really oughta think of your family's welfare. Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea! Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30.

MAN ON TV: And now back to G.I. Jose. Hey, guys, let's go swim in the old quarry. ALL: Yeah! Wait a minute, kids. Don't go swimming in that quarry. It's dangerous! ALL: Wow! Thanks, G.I. Jose.

That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.

(BEEPING) (RINGING) Hello? Hey, Dad, it's me. Listen, things here aren't working out anymore. And I was just... I was wondering, can I come live with you and Janet for a while? Oh, wow, kiddo. You know, I'd love that, but I don't know if now is the best time. Maybe next year, okay? I'll see you Friday night.

Look, Peter, his car's still there. Maybe they haven't left yet. Quagmire, let me in, you son of a bitch. QUAGMIRE: (ON RECORD) I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you.

Activated how? The agents could be activated by uttering a predetermined phrase. At which point, they would snap into a trance and mindlessly carry out whatever orders they were given by their KGB handlers. Well, I mean, what if they encountered somebody who said the phrase accidentally? Not possible. The activation phrase was something that no one would ever think to utter. What is it? The phrase is,

So, listen, Cleveland. Um, The reason I asked you out here, uh, I've been wanting to talk to you about something. In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy?

That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS) (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God!

YEah. Uh, This is a message for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson. Uh, Listen, I read your script, and it just, uh, you know, jumped right off the page. Uh, I think it's something I'd be excited to be a part of. So, uh, call my, uh...

I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery?

diggly, diggly, digGly, diggly. Don't worry, Carol. W-We'll get you through this.

I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S." Oh, well. Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway. What the...

Well, that's great. Enjoy your show, boys. You bet we will. Tonight, Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore. Hey, Dad, when you said, "Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me? Because if you were, I think you just lied to mom. Chris, everything I say is a lie, except that and that. and that, And that, And that,

And have you ever struck your wife? Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride. Are you a violent man? What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch.

Shut up, old man. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians.

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first.

Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating.

Peter, enough with the storytelling. We gotta get outta here! They're gonna kill Meg! Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body. Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. If we angle it through the vent, we might be able to alert the authorities.

just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel.

I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day. Don't frolic too much, Rupert. Save some energy for the hula contest. Stewie, I have a surprise for you. Good as new.

which lost the America's Cup to Intrepid in 1973. Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now. Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub, what will you miss most?

- Put this on. - Why? Because I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys and I don't want Lois to know about it.

Hey. Did you guys order some ice? 'Cause I got a bag of ice here.

What are all these parallelograms doing here? You mean paraplegics. These are my friends, Peter. Come on, guys. Let's eat.

With the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus. Using the lake as a base. (ALL MURMURING) ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom... How did she discover our plan? Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.

I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing.

Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances - Get out of here. Yeah, okay.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire,

I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas. Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year.

What? Yes, and I'm afraid we have no other rooms available. I see. Is there a less heavy person that could check again for me? I'm sorry, we're all booked up because the Slut Convention's in town. - Slut Convention? - Yeah. They were promised a single millionaire, but it's really just a bunch of horny squirrels in a rich-guy suit. So, you made your money in business?

If God created us To be so big That's proof he must be A big, fat Heeb

We promise not to tell Like that new hot chick at work You know, the one who always has high beams Under her ribbed, white, cotton t-shirt But then stares daggers at you for checking her out And it', like, why do you wear that if you don't want attention?

What? Who? What are you doing here? Uh, Peter and Lois are, uh, getting intimate. My God! I--I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them! Wah! Wah! Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo--

Good game, Mean Joe. You want some of my Coke? Hey, kid. Catch. Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.

Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city!

"I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

If you're interested, the school has a program where you can shadow a real doctor and learn more about the medical field. Yeah, wow, I'd love to check that out. Great, I'll set it up. I didn't know a pig could be a doctor. Hey! You get just a few more of those.

I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

- Where'd you get that thing? - Up your ass. What? What?

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

(GUN FIRES) Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian, this move is really working out great. It just feels right, you know. Cool. Rock on, Brian. Okay, done. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H". Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

Oh, my God! We're gonna drown! We'll be fine. Here, put these on. Peter, these are parachutes. What are we supposed to do with these?

Yeah! We did it! Oh, what's this? What's this? It says right here we won! We won, you dicks! You suck! Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down? We're having my son's birthday party over here. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, honey. What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

(SIGHS) Hey, Meg, guess what? I've seen the light. Really? Yes. Hallelujah! I believe in God! Lordy, Lordy, I believe! Brian, that's fantastic news.

Boy, talk about awkward.

God, I hate being handicapped. Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union.

(SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him? And in conclusion, whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars, follow your heart and make it so.

(ALL SCREAMING) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news. Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house. Ah! A ghost!

Oh, my God and baby Jesus, we're going down! Quick, get the parachutes! There are no parachutes! All I could find was this! A raft?

Hey Lois, Come in here and see what I did with the money your dad gave me. Oh, my God! You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?

Let's just forget it, okay? We're having a good time. I don't want to forget it. How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school.

Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you.

(SCREAMS) Sheldon. What are you doing? Get back in your bowl where you belong. Well, long as I'm up, I might as well go spit in Lois's mouth. Sheldon?

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome!

(CAR ALARM WAILING) Son of a bitch! What do we got, partner? Empty alcohol containers. The driver's inebriated and covered in blood.

The waist is still fine. You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy. Mom, you have to do something! Dad's on T.V. parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy! Uh, Now, sweetie, your father's just a free spirit. Here. A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day.

Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man? My whole life's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs! Yeah, I know. So what? Your dog is dating her! No way. You're banging Cheryl Tiegs?

Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen.

Well, that's not gonna come out. You better take a shower. (WATER RUNNING) - Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow. What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie.

How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point? Okay, religion. Religion! You kill me, I kill you, we both go to Heaven! Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion!

(TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.

I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience.

Well, kid, I guess this is goodbye. So, you got your reward and you're leaving? Is that it? When you say it that way, I sound like a douche, but, yeah, that's what I'm doing. What did you get for a reward, anyway? Let's see. I got 10% off a Netflix membership,

And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing Down's Syndrome girl

I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership,

Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop.

All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

"'but I just don't have the time.'" "'You should make the time,' said the farmer."

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21

Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food.

(SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

No parking at the mall. It's a terrible place. What else? Um, how about the zoo? Too much walking. Too much noise. You can't have any good conversation. Not like at Chili's. Where else? Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

Oh, Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh--oh, sorry, His "biatch." Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money. I shared mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community.

Hang on. Hang on. Pills. Yeah, me, too.

I'm just kidding.

Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag. Commie. (SIGHING) I think I'm okay.

He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Peter, this is ridiculous. I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for 2 weeks.

Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.? Well, I got no money left to pay off my civil suit debt. So I'm making a God's Eye to send to Fred Goldman. It's kind of nice, right? Better than nothing. He's got money to buy tongue depressors and yarn, but not enough to pay us back? Do you know how much mustache cream that could've bought?

And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING) I'm Chris. Let me get those bags for you. Johann? Um... Oh, dear. Johann tells me your luggage is the luggage of the poor. Well, I am poor.

I have tons and tons of dogs to incinerate, but I can't wait to see you tomorrow night. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'll clean that up. Oh, that's okay. I'll get it. Have fun at work! Okay. Bye, Chris. What do you think you're doing? What? You, a man, are cleaning up a mess made by Anna, a woman,

(GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)

And the job exchange begins. (CHIRPING) Sir, do you want to move ahead on the agreement with the sanitation union? Sir, we need leadership. Oh, my God, Meg! Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I got distracted again thinking about Kent. (SIGHS) I can't do this anymore. I've just got to ask him out.

Dad, Marcy Gibbons just called! She heard that Chris is dying!

Is this Peter? No, it's Lois. Lois, don't crank call my mother. I'm gonna have to pinch you for that. Ow! Peter, don't pinch me. (BOTH GROANING) Stop that. Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that? No, don't. Here you go.

You get away from my daughter, you pervert. Meg, get in the car, we're going home. I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore. Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car.

All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut.

As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana. Good evening, everyone. Our top story, marijuana is now legal. (STAMMERING) Is now legal.

I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE!

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

(CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING)

Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)

I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this. But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time. Wow. Well, all I want is for you to be happy. You're my dad. And if you're happy, I'm happy for you. I'm sorry, Dad. I love you.

She rogered the boogley! All right, now listen up. you limey bum sniffers. If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get in shape the way American athletes do, by taking steroids.

(GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me!

Where did you get that? Meg, what the hell have you gotten yourself into? You realize he probably does this with every new intern. That's not true. Adam and I are in love. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where a dude can pick a fight Where a dude can pick a fight Over who takes home That smoking Chinese bar skank On the right

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm.

And honestly, when I turn 18, I don't know that I ever want to see you again.

There's Craig Hoffman. He's such a rebel. Oh, my God, he is so gorgeous. And he plays by no one's rules but his own. Meg, you should ask him out. I mean, you're the only one of us who's ever had a real boyfriend.

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!

Well, I just thought that... You thought what? You know, if you want access to this temple, you better pay the proper tribute. All right, that is it! I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way.

Oh, honey, how was your day? Did you catch any fish? No, but I caught this turtle. Named him Terence. Then killed him, and hollowed him out into an ashtray for Stewie. Peter, we have a family to feed. We all count on you to provide for us. I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show.

She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened? Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin.

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

Ok, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh. "Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like a crumpet? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like to wear knickers? "I would, because I'M WiN--" My wife is very ill!

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy

What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

PETER: Brown house.

now that you're a hero.

I need you guys to know something. I've been fake brushing my teeth for the last 20 years.

Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

I know there's been some concern about nutrition. (FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good. (FARTING)

Lois, I'm gonna need your help here. Oh, my God. Okay. Rita Coolidge's less-talented sister here. (ALL LAUGH) In what way is that a joke? Okay, you start. All right. I don't know... Am I blue or am I red? This is crazy. You're blue. You're blue. Okay, I'll do it, then.

Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?

I don't like to be touched!

Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. Eh.

Hide! PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go Round and round Round and round Round and round The wheels on the bus go Round and round Peanut!

I was brought up on the streets, no moms and dads I had to fend for myself with my own 2 hands But today I'm hurtin' and I'll tell you why I got a hangnail hanging from my cuticle A hangnail It ain't beautiful It hurts like a bitch that I did last night Hey Chris. What are you doing?

(MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill.

Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should...

I don't get it. Ew, I think I'm a little sweaty. You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one? That's Meg, dude. You know that. Meg! You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand me? Dirty, Dirty girl.

We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes. We certainly do get around Like A bunch of renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony we're Rhode Island bound Or like 2 college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown

Surfside 6 who lives there? Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk!

(SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

Okay, what the fuck?

Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth. You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. (CHUCKLES) Joyce, you know we don't talk about that on the air. Oh, my God! Did she just say that George P. Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name? Who the hell is George P. Wilbur?

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time.

Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there.

All right, I caught a fish! Oh, huh. Sorry about that, Loretta. Hey, can I have my fish back?

Come on, Stewie. Hurry up and pee. Joe's waiting for me.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

He's a family guy

so maybe I'll see you later. Good for you, Janine. You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody, and you did it. Brian, what are you doing up there? Shh! I'm writing an article on teenage girls for a magazine. I'm studying Meg to see what goes on during her day. Well, be careful you don't fall off that ladder. Not all dogs go to heaven.

Come on, Big Papi! (BAT CRACKS) (CHEERING) It's coming straight for us! I got it, I got it! Mine! I got it! It's my ball. Damn it, Brian! That came to me! That's my ball! (WIND BLOWING) What? Holy crap!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Joanie Loves Chris Brown.

All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I don't want them. Take them.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa!

Try them. You'll like them. Yes, well, I rather doubt that. Oh. Yes! Oh, These are delectable. Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you!

I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. Oh, Joy unbounded!

Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? I--I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?

I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland.

Eddie Izzard is very discreet.

Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone? I want to prove something to these guys. I... It's Priscilla.

I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know.

you win the competition. Your word is "lesbians." Can you use it in a sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids. Damn.

Everybody likes to feel useful. Maketh the world go round. Back to you, Tom. Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this.

"Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"? How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"

the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore! I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!

Yeah. And did you remember to clean up afterwards? Uh, no. I was hoping you would... - Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay. Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it. Daddy, I never thought you'd be so lost without your money. (SIGHING) You're right, Lois. Who the hell am I kidding? I can't live like this.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!

(DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest... (COUGHS) (SCREECHES)

(FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing Down's Syndrome girl

Damn it, Brian, do not cry. I'd like to pet you, Brian. Would that be ok? You're a good dog, Brian. A very good-- Keep it above the waist, Doc. And now part 2 of our very own Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex.

If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00? Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot... Oh, Crap! I didn't push "end." This is gonna cost me a fortune.

We pierced it. Oh, yeah. A lot of crazy shit went on last night. Well, we were both drunk. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right. We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend. I don't know what the phrase is. What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition.

I choke myself every day, you bastard.

Well, let's ask her then. Hey, Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night? Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun? Heh, heh, All right!

Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)

Well, I'm the casting director for NCIS,

It's a fake. It's not real. I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid. I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me! Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?

Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen? (GIGGLES) Well, Cindy, I guess it's true that big things come in small packages. (ALL LAUGHING)

so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out.

Where should I begin? You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian, thanks to this beautiful little angel. She came into my life as if out of nowhere, enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams, and opened my eyes to the cleansing truth of Jesus Christ's love.

Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.

" am out. Huh? I am out. I have pleasured myself. Dad, I've had enough of you taking advantage of these people. For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess. You can't spare one square?

Thank you very much. Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up. Ah, Please flush the toilet twice. Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a deAR.

All right, here it is. "To vanquish poltergeists, one must restore all disturbed remains "to their original resting places." So all we got to do is bring the skull back home and bury it. What are you doing? You said you were using the skull as an athletic cup. I was, but don't you remember, I threw it in the garbage? Oh.

Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.

He sure is. Okay, now tell him you want a vegan place.

Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?

- Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy.

(SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody.

Man, high school is rough. This year it's sneakers. Last year it was all about being overweight and wearing a baseball cap. Hey, guys, sure hope we win the big game on Saturday. - Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! Of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off!

Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy. Get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Hi, Mom and Dad. Everybody, this is my wife, Loka. We're married. Well, maybe here, but not in America, where God pays attention. Now, get your things together. We're leaving right now. Mom, I'm not going anywhere. I'm happy here. This is my home.

The "F" is silent, like in "knife." We're actually working for the federal government, and we need your help. Do you want to be spies like us? Can we be spies like them? We've actually resolved our differences. Wait a minute. I don't understand.

But I love our old house. You have to buy it back. It's too late For that. Our stuff is packed. It's on its way here. Come on, Lois, you'll love living in Newport. Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate. intimate. IntiMatE.

You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720.

What you got there? Oh, You gonna go skiing now. Give them back to me! They're of no use to you! I'm going down the mountain. Coo-coo-catchoo. No! Don't listen to him! That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing!

I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix. If people don't show up, then we're it.

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

And there's 290 years separating me from the films of Kevin Smith. KING STEWART: Hey, Peterson. Who are you? I'm King Stewart. Don't you recognize me from the coins? Oh, yeah. The ones with your profile. You know, you look really weird from the side. Well, that's something we didn't really think out too well when we started.

Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there. Peter, may I use your restroom?

What do you want, Meg? I'm here to try for cheerleading. Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden. Why don't you try the flag-girl squad? Are you trying out for flag girl?

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert.

I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it. Predator Versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen. Where's a pen? Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar idea like that. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter?

Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur. Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony?

Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge.

Definitely pretentious. And he's got a big Eggo. Okay, we seem to have a theme going here.

CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Some hurtful slurs followed by the word "guilty." (LAUGHS) "Guilty." "Guilty." "El guilto." "Guilty." "Guilty." This one's just a squiggly line. That's "guilty" in Latin. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.

There, now. That wasn't so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all? Yeah, a little. Ugh, I couldn't sleep a wink. My pillow smelled like farts. But that's all right, because we're in England. uh-oh!

Peter, It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck! Come on. Hey--hey. You want to hear some horror stories. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

(STATIC BUZZING)

Connie, it's so nice to meet you. We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner. It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Griffin. Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today.

Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE?

I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry. Yeah, huh, any idea who it was, Peter? No, we didn't see his face.

Better not be using my crayons, mixing them up.

What--What did you do with the old bras? Okay. Got to time this just right. One, two, three! (EXCLAIMING) Help! Somebody get this baby off me! Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs?

I have a Young Republicans meeting after school. You wanna come? Oh, sure. W-What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting? We help those who already have the means to help themselves. Also, we perpetuate the ideal that Jesus chose America to destroy nonbelievers and brown people.

I got locked out of the house, and I need your key.

Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident. Hey, guys. How you doing?

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool! We are going right to the top together! Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire.

My problem? Right now, my problem seems to be that I am talking to a Pelosi-lover. What? Yeah, that's right. You love Pelosi. You know what? It's time for you to go. - Right now. - Hey, fine. I don't have to sit here and waste my time with a softie. You call yourself a Republican? Republicans don't shy away from a fight. And I'm gonna prove it to you.

Hold on, little fella. This is just for big people. Why don't you come back in about, oh, 17 years? B-b-But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only 2 years and-- Blast!

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

Quagmire, you feeling okay? I don't know. I think I might have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned my daughter. Why did I give away my only daughter? (SOBBING) Oh, God! He'll be fine. We shouldn't let this ruin our night. Let's just enjoy the strippers.

Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do? Yeah, this doesn't seem like much of a party. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown.

BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help.

There's diapers and crying and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.

Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream

Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

No, Chris, you did the right thing. It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill, and you'll get to touch these. Oh, boy, I got a feeling that before the end of the day, I'm going to be burying my dog. Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs. Let's start with that. Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian to come out peacefully,

Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter? You smell that? He's passed out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity? Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.

Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, like--like Jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and--and if you were cool with it, then, uh, you know, we would go from there. But This is a much better idea.

Can we do it again? Can we?

(RINGS) Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy. We're gonna pull you out of that school.

Hi. We here at Family Guy want you to know that we respect all living beings and assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of this episode. But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance. (SINGING LARGO AL FACTOTUM)

You think you're better than me?

Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you. Are you kidding? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you.

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

I don't like what this money is doing to us. It's even affecting Brian and Stewie. (YAWNING) I think I'm gonna take a nap. What, here? Yeah, I had a giant mobile put in the sky so I can sleep wherever I want. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) This is nice. I hope that bear comes around soon. That's sort of my...

Welcome back to Diane! Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession. Erica, you know I love you.

Sa turda y Night Live.

Atta boy. All the way upstream, buddy. Ok--ok, just relax. Tr-Try to soil yourself, like we practiced.

You know, I even won a deep voice contest with Joe yesterday. (DOORBELL RINGING) I heard you coming. I made myself heard. Where have you come from? I've come from where I've been. You still riding with that mangy polecat Fletcher? Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun and the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road. Winner!

Griffin, Griffin. Here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. - Well, you'll need this. - Name, please? Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry, sir. Chris Griffin has already checked in. Well, that's impossible!

have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results? Maybe. Uh-oh. Congratulations. So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation.

"Mom, don't come in here. I'm yakking off." MAN: Boo.

The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11.

I put him in a straight camp. You what? Oh! You bastard! Brian, why did you do that?

If you like, you can have all my money and my leg. Okay. (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Why'd we take his leg?

Now, Peter, are you sure this is all you want for Christmas? I'm only going to the mall once. Yeah, yeah, that's it. ANNOUNCER: All new this Christmas, remote control cars that glow in the dark! PETER: Get that!

It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family. yes We do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. It's almost their bedtime.

It's Sunday, right? Peter, we've completely destroyed his self-esteem. We've got to do something. You know, Lois, if Chris is having confidence issues, they have camps for kids like him. What do you mean? Well, they take kids who struggle in school and help them gain self-confidence in a nurturing environment. Wow. That's actually a great idea.

I like you. I like you.

How could you let me down like that, Brian? Oh, I let you down. Why? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the good dog? This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. This and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet. Oh, oh, One time I did that! One time!

What is this sin, my child? Oh, well. No harm done. I too have sinned, Mother. Oh, my God! That's Rolfe! What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on! Oh, Lois, there you are. Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you for letting us have the wedding here.

How did you get over there? Oh, yeah.

just to stay asleep last night. Yeah, but listen, Quagmire. Quahog has some extremely draconian laws governing divorce that all heavily favor the woman. What? What do you mean? Well, to be honest, if you divorce her, she'll probably get everything you have. What? No, that's impossible! I can't lose all my money and my house!

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people. You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to.

I am so proud of you. Hey, well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it. Well, still, good for you. So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said.

Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy.

Ow! Ow! Thank you. Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm not sure which. Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they? Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog.

There's no sign of them anywhere. Meg? Chris? Brian? They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want!

All right, this should do for the night. Look, Stewie, now that we have a moment, I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are. Don't worry. I've got that covered.

Oh, look out, everyone. Double-digit IQ joining the table. Hey, smarty, think fast. Ah! He knows. He knows it's hot. 'Cause he's smart. I don't want to talk to you guys. You called me an idiot.

he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me... not because you have to. Thank you, Neil. Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway...

Dylan put this paper bag on my head and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get it off.

Looks like I'm all alone. Well, hey, that's all right. I watch a lot of movies. I can just use my imagination.

I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just... You complete me, you know that? You just make me want to be a gayer man. Oh! Come here. And you don't miss your wife at all? Well, sure I do, but this is a whole new chapter in my life, Scott.

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. It's something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours. LOIS: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes. BONNIE: And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated.

Except for you. You can touch me.

He's a family guy Okay, Peter, I'm off to my book club. You'll babysit Stewie? Only if I can have a Pawsicle. Only if you say it right. Popsicle.

Gosh, thanks so much for having us over, you guys. Of course, Glenn. Welcome to our home, Charmese. Sit anywhere you like. That chair with the garbage bag taped over it looks pretty good. Meg, you look pretty next to her. So, Charmese, I was thinking of writing an article about you for my school paper.

I don't understand these people. He didn't even say anything and they're eating it up. Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet. Try giving short, simple answers.

It's just so hard to get over here without anybody finding out. Have you gotten all the letters and hair that I've sent? It's the only thing that's getting me by, Meg. Thank you. How'd your parole hearing go? Not good. Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years. Oh, Luke. I don't expect you to wait for me, Meg. No, I will, Luke. If it takes 10 years or 20 years,

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. What's your problem? Papa Tom's being a jerk. At least he talks to you. He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks.

Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Except for that one thing your mother does. You mean play the piano? no, No. She... Yeah.

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

I say! Where the hell are we?

You're going down, Griffin!

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot. Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

(EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah! (EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity. (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Admiral, we've got enemy ships in sector 47. It's a trap! It's a trap! Also, whose cat? (CAT MEOWS) (SIGHS) Someone get your cat. Fighters coming in!

Am I gonna die?

(STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home.

Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

and coincidentally this is the day Rupert started working out again. So transparent. Rupert? What happened to your eye? Brian, did you pull one of Rupert's eyes off? No. Why would I do that? Maybe your turtle did it. Nonsense. Sheldon is a gentle soul. He wouldn't hurt anybody. Well, come on. Let's get downstairs. Lois will be here any minute.

(SCREAMS) It's okay. It's just us. Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us. Have you seen any sign of Muriel? Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone.

Yay! Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God! You're the best father ever! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Daddy! Well, I guess if you can't earn your kids' respect, you can always buy it. (ALL LAUGHING) There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

Penis. All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on.

She was in the military. She's seen battle. She's seen innocent people butchered by war machines. And I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice that Kevin made. No, Brian, I do not understand Kevin's choice, and I do not support it. Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny.

Brian! Brian... Who am I kidding? All those buttons, I'll look like Steve Harvey. Brian! Yeah, I'll ask the cashier ifl can put this up in the window. I definitely need a breath freshener. But that's going to give me 11 items.

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie. He doesn't seem to be playing well with other children. Oh, He's fine. You know, I was quite a troublemaker myself when I was a kid.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Lois! What are you two doing here? Well, we wanted to talk to you about something. Hmm, what's that? Well, we were just thinking, now that Daddy's retired, that you and he might be happier in a place where you can be with people your own age.

You know, Stewie, I've got to say that clone of yours has come in pretty handy. It's a lifesaver, Brian, I'll tell you. I don't suppose you'd consider making one of those for me, would you? (LAUGHING) Maybe. What would you be willing to do for me? What do you want? Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail.

So, how'd it go at the clinic?

You know, I think this is gonna be our best Christmas ever. Yeah, but don't get your hopes up, Lois. I couldn't afford to get you what I got you last year. I know how you like that song, so I got you two turtledoves. Where did you get these? I went to a scientist and had them genetically engineered. Fly, beautiful turtledoves. Bring Christmas cheer to all.

This one's unlocked. An S.U.V.? Look, we're trying to elude someone. We're not driving to soccer practice.

How can that be? Children are citizens, too. They should have rights. Well, it's a tricky area, Lois. You could file a suit, but that could take months, and even then, there's no guarantee the court wouldn't support the parents' right to practice their religion. How could we live in a country that would allow a sick child to die?

What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people.

except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house? Oh, Karin. Come on in.

Check it out, that one's wearing Crocs. (MEN SCREAMING) Echo Station 5-7, we are on our way.

I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov

Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make. You are all free. You have been fired from the school. Vietnam is over. The hospital is closing. Will Hunting is all better.

Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now!

Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie. No, she can't. Yeah, she can't. We were gonna use this time to figure out what to get you for your birthday. Ooh, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go. You... Ooh. Now I'm excited. Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl.

Even Walt Disney?

- Yeah, no shit. - What? Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan. That's Rich Little. You're Rich Little! He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days.

Here, Mom, this is from me and Meg. Topol? The smoker's tooth polish? Take the hint.

No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses. All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one!

Ok, I'll do it. This just in. Lois Griffin has been named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players. All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off. Oh, Lois, congratulations. Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm.

Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can.

That means two things.

You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois? Chemistry class? Freshman year? Joycie? You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong? Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney.

What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road.

(GROANS) Who... Who are you? I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING)

I'm still not sure. Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold.

Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home. Meg, you made a friend. What a lovely house, Mrs. G. Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart. Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice. You know what's nice? Having a friend like Meg. And kittens.

Well, wait a minute, what about that nice old man who lives up the street? Oh, yeah, maybe Herbert can watch the kids. He seems like a responsible guy. So it would only be till Monday, and we could pay you for it. Yeah, and it's real easy, I promise. I mean, you've spent time watching children, right? Yes, sir. Yes, I have. Wonderful.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house? Peter, look at these numbers. We're a hit. You know, if I were you, I'd think about expanding your programming somehow. Brian, that's a great idea.

I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING) Oh, sorry.

Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away from me, or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe. Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. What the deucE?

Good night. Not now, Abby.

Nurse! This woman is in labor! Excuse me. I was here first. My leg is asleep. All Right. Let's see what we have here. Oh, The baby's crowning. All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves,

(SOBBING) We broke up.

Mr. Henson, why don't you play the boss, and we'll see what you've learned tonight? Ok. The filing is done, Mr. Henson. Thank you, miss ironbox. You are a valued member of our business team and every bit as important to this company as I am. Excellent. Mr. Griffin, why don't you come up here and give it a try? All right. The filing is done, Mr. Griffin.

Thanks for everything, Mr. Herbert. If only I had listened to you, none of this would've happened. You were my real friend all along. I'm sorry. It's okay, Chris.

Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off!

What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym.

- What? - Just do this for me!

But you, Meg, you're going to jail.

Right, I mean, who says that the body next to you has to be male or female or, you know, whatever? - Or alive. - Yeah! Well, no, but, yeah. Look, I think it's a great idea, and I'm completely with you. I'm in. Let's try it. Yay! That is such good news! And I'm so happy they gave us a booth. I know, 'cause they're supposed to be reserved for parties of three or more. I know!

Well, Peter's been very preoccupied with work lately. I guess Stewie's been missing his father. Thank you for letting me know. (CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved. Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation. (ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc?

What's that big button do? Oh, that's kind of fun. It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear. There it is again! TIPPER: It's probably just wind, honey. It's not the wind! And this is our Fox News daycare center.

and never quite popped, if you know the meaning. - Who, Elisabeth Shue? - Yeah. Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas. And still so hot. Like... I don't see art films. Like, like, crazy hot. Yeah, it's about 39 minutes, 45 seconds in.

Oh, man, not this guy again (FARTS) Fart!

- Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary.

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the-- What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

And this one took the grand prize. (LAUGHING) Really? (STAMMERING) I had heard only good things. It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I got to hear David Mamet curse in person.

Good Lord, I'm naked! And why am I holding a dinner platter that says "McCain-Feingold"? (LAUGHING) That's pretty good. That's funny. You don't get it.

Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy.

Where did they go? There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left! Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers. All right, strap yourselves in, I'm about to make the jump to light speed.

I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol.

Well, which is it?

Really? Well, I think it's great that he's out at such a young age. Hey, everyone, Neil Goldman is gay. (ALL CHEERING) Awesome. That rules. Aw, lucky. But I'm not gay. Okay, I'm gay. (ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil!

So here's the thing, and don't get mad, and that part I can't stress enough... That's a great shirt, by the way. I may have made out with Meg. Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.

I used to pass lots of gas Lois ran away Now we've got 30 rooms Hello, beans, goodbye, spray

Oh, My God! Who's gonna deliver my baby? Honey, do something! Well, No baby. But it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble. Peter, that's the head! Push! Push! I am! It won't go back in! Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull! Oh, My God! What? What?

so I figured I wouldn't waste anybody's time. Fair enough. Sure, (CHUCKLES) let's go out. Really? Yeah. Like you said, I've already decided. - I'm Kate. - I'm Brian. Hey, you want to go outside? Maybe a little quieter. Sure. Oh, my God, I...

He's on the road touring with Black Box. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody Well, wait a minute, what about that nice old man who lives up the street?

Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of sweet guy-trim at this school. You don't understand. He's all I think about. I can't eat, I can't sleep. Just thinking about him now gives me heart palpitations. (HEART BEATING) I feel like if I could just know what it's like to be with him, just once, I could at least have some sort of closure.

You know, I've been doing this job a long time, and I think you've got what it takes. (CHUCKLES) You're kidding. Really? Yes. How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter? (CHUCKLING) You know, I came down here not even thinking I had a shot. And now you're telling me this? Gosh, it's an awfully big decision!

HEy, Were you there when I farted?

Once you come in, you're never allowed to leave. I got my sentence extended 30 days once. That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do. If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass.

Peter, no, you're not. Don't you feel ridiculous now? All right, Chris, if we're gonna pay the entry fee for that eating contest, we got to sell some of my old stuff. What are these, Dad? Oh, wow! I haven't seen those in a while. Those are my old Playboys from the '70s.

Yeah. We'll be just like The Honeymooners! One of these days, Alice. One of these days... Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon. Oh.

I heard a noise downstairs. (SIGHS) I'll go have a look. It's probably just the wined. The wind, dear. Is that how you say that? I've only seen that word written.

Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting! If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize.

How? Wha? My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive, he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star! Mom, can I get lipo, too? Forget it, Meg.

Oh, my God! (CONTINUES WHIMPERING) I can't live by society's rules, either. (GRUNTING) Mom, I still don't get it.

(GRUNTING) Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)

I got a great lawyer, and he says, worst case, eight to 12 years. And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. (TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH SCREAM) (CAR CRASHING) Goodbye, terrible women.

It just feels like I'm lying to Peter. Like Jesus lied to the meek.

Stewie. Hello, Janet. How about a push? ahh! Yes. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm... Oh, How do I describe it? You make me feel so young

Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along. Bye, new awesome friends.

The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.

I can't do this anymore. Well, you should've thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse.

She's heading into that tunnel! (CRASHING) (HORSE NEIGHS) GUARD: (GASPS) Dear God! The Queen's dead! (BOTH WHISTLING) All right, Collingsworth, I got a hair.

Dad, I know what to do! I saw it on Fox's When Bears Attack! Go away! Go on, get! Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal! Holy crap! Chris, that was amazing. I mean, i--I just froze up. But you handled that bear like a real man. I'm proud of you, son. You are?

Ha! This ought to knock her down a couple notches. Yay, Meg! Oh, Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days! Oh!

All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we?

Victory shall be mine.

Ok, We've got 3 days until Peter and Lois get back from their K.I.S.S. concerts. Let's go to Jolly Farm. Yeah, now you're talking! You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

(STEWIE) Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch. Maybe you should see if Peter will still take you back. i'm--I'm sorry, Lois. I understand, Brian. There's no possible way I can ever thank you enough for this. You're a good friend. You're a good friend too, Lois. (STEWIE) Oh, That's kind of nice.

Eating disorder! I don't know what's going on with Meg. She doesn't want to leave her room these days. She's depressed 'cause she's in love with a man she can't be with. (BED THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS) Listen to that. Poor kid, banging her headboard into the wall out of frustration and loneliness. Probably got her legs up in sadness.

All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie. The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on. All right? This is my show, and it's a serious, intellectual hour of discussion, and I want to keep it that way. Hey, no problem. All right. In three, two, one. This is The Lunch Hour with your host... Hey, what's up, Quahog?

Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God!

Your fancy rag, sir. You are relieved for the evening. (INHALING DEEPLY) You don't see poor people doing this! Lois, don't you understand? We don't got any of our old problems anymore. We don't have to worry about paying bills,

Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Toby, what happened? Oh, I just harvested your kidney. (GASPS) Look at the size of this scar. Sorry. It's my first day on this job. Well, where did you work before? Circuit City.

It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.

No, no, No, Peter.. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils. 3 of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament.

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this.

Yeah, but... What? Let's put a hat on him to cover the wound, and then let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids and find a way to pin this on someone else. I love you so much right now. Let's go to the hospital. Well, Brian, I'm proud of you.

(MACHINE BEEPS) You did it, Stewie. You did it.

You did all the rest for me. You turned on Tom exactly as I planned. So there it is, Lois. My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know.

(SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out. I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me! - Well, how... Can you get up? - I'll try.

And, you know, she's game for it, but she catches feelings midway through and the whole thing changes. Wow, have you seen Cocktail? Yeah, yeah. She was in that. - She was in that. - Yeah.

And here to pick this year's winning theme is Ten Commandments star, Charlton Heston. Let my pigeons Go! He nailed one! We have our theme!

Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.

Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that...

Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on!

But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again. Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation.

How bad is it? It's $20,000. Oh, my God! Where are we going to get that kind of money?

Boy, it's really raining hard. Yeah, well, we needed it. What? Peter, we've been married a long time. Why do I still get guy-in-an-elevator small talk? I don't know. You're the one talking about the weather. So...

Humina-humina-humina!

(GRUNTING) My legs!

MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks. I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four... MAN: Hundreds and hundreds of years old. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING)

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek.

The attack will happen tomorrow during afternoon rush hour. And that's actually where you come in, Peter. In order to get past the checkpoint at the toll plaza, we will need an American behind the wheel to arouse the least amount of suspicion.

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house!

And their vessel was swept to the bottom of the briny deep. Swallowed whole by the treacherous, unforgiving sea. They sank, I guess, would be the--the one thing to take away from this part of the seminar. When we come back, I'll show you how eye contact can make or break any business relationship.

We'll talk about it. No! Jungle gym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there.

if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

PETER: And away we go.

Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys. Yeah. Boys. Yay, I helped. - Cheryl, wait. - Jillian.

You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us. Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois. Hey, Lois, look. I'm a booger.

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson! Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie? Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie. Guess I've got milk. Heh, heh, heh. Don't shoot me!

It's too late For that. Our stuff is packed. It's on its way here. Come on, Lois, you'll love living in Newport. Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate. intimate. IntiMatE. So we're really gonna live here now? Intimate.

No, no, Stewie, go away!

- Still got the worms, eh? - Yeah, that stupid medicine's $300. Well, let me make you a proposal. I'll front you the money, and you pay it off by working for me.

Be cool, be quiet, be quiet. All right, well, nothing to worry about. Chris is going to be just fine.

Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS? uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.

So, Joe, it must feel great to finally have some closure with Bobby Briggs. Yeah. You know last night was the first time in 15 years I didn't strangle Bonnie in my sleep? Okay.

When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria that's--that's just great! This is awful. Now the drugs are in the schools? For you parents, toad licking is also known as "lily padding," "Frenching the prince," and "doing Kermit." Well, At least our kids know better. What the-- AHh!

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Please be here. Please be here. Oh, sweet mother of God! There you are!

I'm what's goin' on, Peter. I got highlights, I went shopping, and I had my... So it's tighter now. Peter, I think Lois might be having a midlife crisis. Come on, dudes! Who wants to hop in my wheels, and head to the beach for some ultimate Frisbee?

Sorry, guys, but the way things have been goin', I can't afford to keep you. I'm gonna have to put you down. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Oh. What... What... (WHIMPERS) What do I do? What do I do? Well, just hope he's not standing on your soft spot. Well, is that possible? Because that could really mess up my... (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) Mom, I need money for lunch.

(SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely. I mean, look at this.

Oh, my God. Brian was right. Meg really must be obsessed with him. Peter, we gotta find them. Don't worry, Lois, we're the police and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl-Chris.

Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan.

Chris, tell me how those words came to you. Do you believe in angels, Tom? Of course I do. Well, there you go. I suspected angels. - It was angels. - Very good. Chris Griffin, a weaver of dreams at the loom of the mind. A weaver of dreams at the loom of the mind. A neat thing I just said. And now sports.

What'd them Rebels do anyways? You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog. (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no! Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog. I know. Oh, no! I know.

she's not allowed to be a lesbian. I know why you're retiring, Griffin! You're scared! Scared? Of what? Of me! Look at these people, giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums! If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything. I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay.

Like when we tried to invade the city of Troy. (SOLDIERS MURMURING) LOIS: Peter, I don't think this is the right horse. PETER: I am 100% positive this is the right horse. Come on, guys, what do you say? Will you join me in eating eggs fresh out of a chicken's butt?

I love the way the fire makes the shadows dance around behind us. One time, my friends and I went camping and nobody could start a campfire. And then I tried to start the campfire, and I could. That's insane. Wha... What is going on over here? What... Are we taking our shirts off now? Okay, follow the leader.

While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter. What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun.

Laugh and cry He's a family guy Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing?

I'm just like Barbara Bush!

No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill. Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there? That's right. Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh! Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

but when I heard your voice, I felt like I found some part of me that was lost. Doesn't make any sense, but it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together. That's kind of nice. I guess I could understand that. Now that you're here in front of me, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Thanks for having me, Bonnie. I just needed someone to talk to. Sure, Lois. What's on your mind? Well, it's kind of a long story. You see... Eight fucking hours later... Oh, my God!

Glenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy. I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake. Well, maybe it is. Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did. What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible!

Penis. All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail. And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on?

All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no!

Look at her, Leonard. Sitting there with her--her curly ebony locks, and those pouty, come-hither lipS. My God, she's unappealing! Go! Who said that? Hmm? Who's got the big diapers? Huh? She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off.

Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes." oh! It's a person.

Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes! (ALL CHEERING) Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense, now that he lives on Boner Street.

Come on, Peter, hurry. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. (LOON CALLING) Listen to that. It's a loon. That's beautiful. You know, we ought to get a "fuck cabin" up here.

Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

We should grab a drink sometime and catch up. Maybe reminisce about Jaws. DREYFUSS: Great. You should give me a call sometime. My number is 555... Wait, wait. What? 555? Yeah. You know what, Richard? If you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it. Oh, please! Make the voices stop!

There is no escape.

WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

Anyway, what are you suggesting? We can follow him, see if he's really Carter. Okay, but I got to be home by 7:00. I'm supposed to talk to the police about that shooting I witnessed. Good Lord, are you all right? If I die, leave two dollars' worth of flowers right here.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers. - That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wait. We're out? You said if I slept with you... All right, Griffins, here's your chance to win the game. Name something you'd like to receive as a gift. Groceries! Assorted lotions! An Uzi! A dead squirrel! Money! All right, good answer, good answer! - Very good! Good answer! - Bingo! Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go,

Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances - Get out of here. Yeah, okay.

Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man.

I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do?

(GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE PLAYING) I don't believe in frettin' and grievin' Why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to step and strut out

but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau. Behind the walls of the prison camp, there was one guard who decided everyone's fate. If he pointed to the left, you did hard labor. If he pointed to the right, you died.

(PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy. So, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon. So now what do we do?

Call it hell, call it heaven Call it hell, call it heaven It's a probable 12 to 7 It's a probable 12 to 7 That the guy's only doing it for some doll That the guy's only doing it for some doll Some doll, some doll Some doll, some doll The guy's only doing it for some doll The guy's only doing it for some doll

- Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down. Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about?

Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid. This gives me an idea. She's dead.

I cook like Betty Crocker And I look like Donna Reed There's plastic on my furniture To keep it neat and clean In the Pine-Sol scented air

Maybe I can use this helicopter to knock Rupert off the conveyor belt... Ahh! Son of a bitch! Recall room, Brian. Nothing works in here.

Whoa, Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal. Hey, Hey, there's worse things than nicotine, pal! And I'm gonna find 'em. Patience, lad. It took dear St. Patrick more than a day to clear the Emerald Isle of snakes. Can the Irish crap, will you, Horowicz?

Doesn't get much gayer than this.

H-hello. Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were telling me about. I'll show 'em a good time and get 'em to come around to our side. Uh, e-Excuse me. Uh, al--Al Gore, George W. Bush? - YeS? - Yes? Ah, Great. A-a-and--And what's your friend's name? Dick Armey. Pthht!

I don't want to die! Why is everybody acting weird? Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve. What I did? That I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo? No. That I had hard gas and pooed myself?

- You using the bathroom? - Yeah. Why? I was just curious. Before you go, I want to ask you a question. Is there something on my elbow or... First, me first, me first. Peter, I'm going first! Oh, no, you don't! Move your ass, Peter! You move yours! I made reservations with the maitre d'.

So look out for a Puerto Rican. MAN: We're clear. That was so much fun to watch. What a pro you are. Lois, you've met Tom Tucker. Oh, yes, of course. I loved that piece you did on the invention of the guillotine.

You've gone through a few yourself, you know. Yeah, Like those 2 weeks you spent narrating your own life. I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking but somehow I think she knew.

I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem? Ah, damn! Which one's the Chinese one?

You've had yours! Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.

He recently discovered he was black. He doesn't look very black to me. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there with you. You ain't been there. I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side.

Yeah. Hey, look at you. You just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

Did you just tell me what I love? Mmm? Write this down, you toad-faced frump. I love pancakes! Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home.

I like your voice. It makes me want to hear more of your voice. - Hey, you want to see a funny comic? - Sure.

(SOMBER STAR WARS MUSIC) Now do the theme to The People's Court.

This ticks me off, so much! Jeez.

(SPRING BOINGING) (LAUGHING) Who could forget that one? Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy, here to tell you about a new CD offer. Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well."

I am going on a hunger strike. eh? How about that, Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience? Huh? You gonna eat that stapler? You can't eat a stapler-- Wanna split it?

I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it? Or do you not even know what's going on? I also am curious about that.

I can't believe I let Meg take the blame. You were right, Lois. T.V. is evil. I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me. You just went a little overboard.

Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Now let's move on to the washing of the hands. This is a very important part of the... Hey, hey, hey. The Easter Bunny is here. Happy Easter! Peter, what the hell are you doing in that? Have you been drinking? Not since I got out of the car.

Well, how would you like to spend four hours desperately trying to give me a muscular soldier? What the hell, you weirdo? (LAUGHS) I'm just having fun. In fact, as I say to all the ladies, Giggity Giggity. You don't say that. I say that. You're a bad person. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not. - Oh, you're so lying. - I so am. Oh, honey, how was your day? Did you catch any fish?

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois.

Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid. I got a daughter of my own, you know.

And now to test my teleportation pods.

What the... What happened? You're dead, jackass. You died in a drunk-driving accident. Oh, God. Did I hold on to the touchdown pass? What the... What's wrong with you? You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk. Look, I've been told I can give you another chance, but there's some things we have to do first. What are you talking about?

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.

I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not. That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you. Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh! What are you doing?

- Darn it. - Knock, knock.

Meg, less talkie, more sweepie. Shut up, Chris! You can't tell me what to do. Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can. Supervisor? Yeah, I promoted him this morning. - Promoted me this morning. - What? Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread?

It's practically orgasmic!

Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

Mommy missed you so much! Yes. God forbid you should've put a little eyeliner on for my homecoming. Did you have a nice trip with Brian?

Help! Help! Somebody, help me! Ben Stiller, help me.

PETER: That went exactly as I wanted it to go. All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out.

Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality. You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills! Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing? Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute?

Hey, Lois, can I talk to you for a second? For the last time, Brian, there's no link to it anywhere online. No, no, that... That's not... That's not what I'm here for.

But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin. "Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..." Oh, look, "Ably performed by the entire ensemble." - That's us. - That's all of us. Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.

Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off!

I know. I feel the same way, but we made a decision to be abstinent. Of course, there are ways we can keep our pledge and still do other things. You're right. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Uh-huh.

This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this.

His shirt was tucked in, so I bet he went to Harvard. Well, you're my friend, Mort. I want you to know that I'm going to personally go over all the evidence. I'd hate to think there's someone in town who's out to get you. Hey, Joe, they said it was an accident. Roll away. No, I'm just saying, as your friend, I wouldn't feel right unless I left no stone unturned. Geez, Joe, let it go.

Yeah. What channel will the awards ceremony be on? Oh, are they having an awards ceremony for how well you did the dishes last night? Ha! You got nothing going on.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values

You named your horse 'til Death? You know why?

Hear what? I swear I heard something. (SIGHS) Adam, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right? All right, I guess.

Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it.

What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING) Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy. Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than what was called for,

(ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

Going to take you apart I'll put us back together at heart, baby don't you forget about me

Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason.

No! No, I won't! Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love? Mmm? Write this down, you toad-faced frump. I love pancakes!

Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby,

We should put on some '80s music, and then, like, every few minutes, have him come out of there as a different sex, and we'll go... And then, like, the fifth or sixth sex, we'll go like this... This is not a joke, Peter, okay? They're cutting off his penis in there! All right, all right. I mean, this is my dad we're talking about! Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Derek now. I see. And you really feel that way? Yeah. I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS)

You're my Chinese Lois.

So you think I can find a boat here, huh, Joe? Oh, Yeah. You wouldn't believe what we confiscate from these crooks. Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. $50! She had 9 S.T.D's. $45. And when We caught her, she wet herself. $50.

Sorry, tungsten. Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got?

I mEan, I know he's an Indian. But what kind of A name is Squanto? I mean, "Leslie" or something like that would be nice.

What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting. For example... There you go. Good night.

- You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss! It's not too late, Meg.

Can't you see what you've done? I don't know, I mean, I thought I was helping. But you may be right. 'Cause now Chris is all sad and crying and fat and bad at sports. Well, you created this mess, and you have to help him fix it. Man, parenting is more complicated than making a 1940s phone call. Hello, operator? Crestview 4162, please.

I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork. Oh, come on, this is identity theft. I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir. Thanks, Joe. Clam later? We'll hoist a few? Sure, Peter. Joe!

Yeah, they had me painted.

(SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

That's where I lose interest and I go away. They're speaking Italian! The language they're speaking is the language of subtlety, something you don't understand. I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too.

Oh, This is perfect!

Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone. But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class. Advanced class? No, no, no, no, No.

That's a great idea, Lois. Crisscross! Yes, that is a crisscross. Yes! So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House. Here's your breakfast, Lois.

the first thing they do is round up the Jews. Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

Okay, I wanna thank you guys for making me Activity Director for the day. Okay, first of all, can... (ECHOING) What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING)

Look, Rita. I have a confession to make. I met a girl, I had a couple of drinks and I slept with her. You what? I know. I feel awful. It was a terrible thing to do. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. But there's an upside. You see, these past few weeks I've been doubting whether we're compatible.

Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

Crimony. (FARTING CONTINUES) (SPLASHES) Ah! Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren.

But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol? Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother.

What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant...

Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert.

This child is beautiful! I must have him! You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful, or beautiful beautiful? PeteR, This is heterosexual fashion designer, Calvin Klein. I've been looking everywhere for a face to launch my new line of diapers. And I think I found it.

I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat! I want them to have new hats!

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful!

Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here!

Brian, of course you don't believe in psychics. Your cynicism prevents you from ever being in a receptive state. Look, I'll prove to you what I'm saying, all right? Let me read you your horoscope. "You have a very strong emotional nature. "You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it."

So, really saturate the soil twice a day. That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.

Is that.... Doody! I'm doing the dishes, Joe. I'll change you in a minute.

And to spend their father's cash

Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd-- Well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? That one wasn't very good.

Good. I'm looking forward to it.

In the wife! In the wife! The life of the wife is ended by the knife Bravo, Eliza! The life of the wife is ended by the knife

What happened? Did we crash? Yeah, we crashed. Wow. Still, you know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial,

Play Wheels on the Bus and get the hell out of my sight.

And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah. You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. It's about pissing off Daddy. That's right. She's got a lot of problems. - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter. - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question.

It's about damn time!

I mean, he was very nice about it. He said, "Send me the bill." I mean, that's not how he said it, but... You know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this.

Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys! Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

You know, my Aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. This is my bit. These are all my bits. (SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

Well, there's a number of ways, Chris.

Whoa, whoa, Whoa, wait! What are you saying? The revelation, jackass!

A-Team roll call. Face. Here and handsome. Murdoch? Here and crazy. B.A.? I pity the fool. But I also suggest ways he may better himself. Man, this is gonna be a fun day. Much better than that day I tried Tag body spray for sick cats.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

The things we did last summer I'll remember All winter long I had a really great time tonight, Brian.

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard. (SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying.

I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell? Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ!

He can't hear you, Lois. Besides, it's--it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father. I'm sorry. I talked to him. But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though. Well, you know, They're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get 'em back.

And they're going to fly us all to America for the show! What? Oh, my God! (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Finally, we make-a da dreams come true in America! I am going to make this family proud, and not just you guys, but that old painting of my ancestor in the attic. I did it! I'm going to be on TV! Did you kill the others?

So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote?

Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?

Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out. Do you mind, Brian? No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET.

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh. Hey. This is the week you guys were coming up? Huh. And here I am, cream on my face,

Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men.

This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission.

12 cases of cold medicine? You guys, I think this is a meth lab. Oh, my God. You mean like as in... D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? What's going on? What are you guys talking about? Uh-oh. Someone's getting cranky. I think he needs an N-A-P.

Do you hear that? I'm whispering right in your ear. I'm right in your ear. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. (WHIMPERING) MAN: Won't you please do your part to help? Thank you. Wow! Inspiring stuff. Now, underneath each one of your chairs,

I don't know what the big deal is. I stopped for one drink after work. Yes, but it's every night. There! Now you can be upset about that. This is fun. I like playing with you, Penelope.

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Ha!

Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

Wow, thanks! You're welcome. I gotta go put on my face for press interviews. Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone? Oh, sure. (STATIC BUZZING) Thanks. That was weird. Did you hear that when I was giving her the phone? No. It was like interference or something.

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. It's something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours. LOIS: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes. BONNIE: And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated.

I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once.

Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears. I'm already standing in urine, and I hate the person I'm with. Now, let's see, there's got to be something in here we can use. (SIGHS) Boy, that was a close one back there. Way to think on your feet, Brian.

Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now? You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

- Griffin, you're fired! - For what? We've had it with your crap. I talked to the coach, and he's selling your contract to another team. And the only one that'll take you is the worst football team in Europe, the London Silly Nannies.

I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

Come on, get in the car! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)

Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

It was suggested that I find a healthy woman who would consider carrying our child to term. And, well, Lois, that's why we're here. We were wondering if you would be our surrogate. Oh, my God. You want me to carry your child? Yes. What? All right, Peter, I don't know what this is about,

Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. No, I don't. I quit! Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me! Hey! Hey! Don't you start running! W-Wait, Meg! Meg! Get off that bus. Don't you go to La Guardia. Meg, Meg! listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a lot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Mayor West? What are you doing here? I'm being a rascal and ringing people's doorbells and running away. Then what are you still doing here? It's my first house. I'm not very good at this. Hello. Well, dot, dot, dot, hello.

Ashton, come here. (LAUGHING) You've just been tomahawked.

Come on, Jerome! Get a hit so I can bring a sports trophy home for my parents! Jeffrey Lipsitz has two soccer medals! I can't play soccer, I have newborn-calf ankles! You know this, damn it!

Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man. Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas? Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa!

(GASPS) Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi.

You haven't actually lost any weight. Oh, I think my lithe figure would suggest otherwise. A girdle is not a substitute for weight loss, Peter. Hey, I'm riding that roller coaster, and that's all there is to it. Now let's get out of here. This thing's squishing my organs around. (BEATING)

No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian. And you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint. I dated Jillian just to hurt you. It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out, like everything else.

JOE: Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down. - Sorry. I'm still learning. - JOE: All right, start the search.

(GULPS) There we go. It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time.

(PANTING) Dad, I can't take this anymore. I'm so tired and I'm so hungry. I got an idea, Chris. Follow me.

Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one.

Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change. Damn right I do! Now, get this turd-filled sack off... Oh, my God, it just went back in my body.

Come on, knock it off. Does not compute.

Uh... Hello? DISPATCHER: This is dispatch, go ahead. Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING)

and now our house is gone and we got no place to stay. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time. WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version? Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing.

Oh, Congratulations on all your success. Uh, th-th-Thank you. Hey, You know what might be a thrill for you guys? Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble! Yes, but I was talking about stopping by the set to see me in action. Brian, could we really? Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business.

Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it!

I do them because I love my family.

God's real flabby With an ass so wide His arms look like pillows With cake mix inside

Wait, what'd you just say? Cheeses. You want some cheeses? And that's why you're allowed to eat as much mozzarella as you want in any church. So the three wise men set off again on their journey. You sure this is the right way? Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star.

Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all! Let's go home.

I only like you as a friend.

Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home. HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter. HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen.

NudisT! My dad's a tailor, you jerk! Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go. So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great. Cool. I'll call you later.

Who cares? You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door, you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep.

Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.

I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time oh, Brian, you're still up. Lois, listen. Uh, I... We--We need to talk. Oh, my, I better leave you two alone. What's the matter, Brian?

(GASPING) A ghost!

Oh, that's a horrible story. Yes. I was so traumatized they sent me here. And I guess they must have forgotten about me. Well, you seem perfectly normal to me. And no brother of mine is gonna be cooped up in some insane asylum. We are taking you back to Quahog with us.

And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together like this if we're raising another child. Well i--I thought, uh, you know, Brian would kind of do a lot of the work. I don't know. I mean, Stewie alone needs so much attention. Maybe we should hold off on havin' another baby. yeah, You may be right.

That's what I thought. Great. Oh, man! These all look good, every one of 'em. Hey, You want some bread? No!

And then you go tell all your friends that I welcome them to be gay with me, too, because I am gay. I'll be gay with you. Oh, this is too perfect. Chris is gonna be so gay by the end of this. What's this?

black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story. So, how's Bernadette? She's all right. She's taking interior design classes down at the community college. I mean, she's good at haircutting and everything. They gave her the chair right by the door. But, I guess, now she wants to hang plates on the wall or whatever. And you know she gained the weight back from the Lap-Band, right? That Bernadette and her pie.

She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now. Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh! Oof!

Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE. Wait! Is that a real Prada bag? I'd like to propose a toast. to our neighbors. Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound,

I'm living it, baby. No, you're not. You've been wearing those things for three days. You can wear them to bed, but tomorrow we're getting rid of them. (SIGHS) Fine. Screw up all my fuzziness.

- What? - Just tell me, right now, that I don't have to stay in this room. You don't have to stay in this room. Oh, thank Christ!

Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book. So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats? Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room.

Well, we're home. Thirty days of sobriety and we can finally drink again. Oh, for God's sake, Peter, didn't you learn anything from this? Yes, I did, Lois. These are going in the garbage.

Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Well, that is the last of it. You are now all caught up with your work. Lois, I really appreciate you helping me out this week, and I really appreciate you having sex with me in my office. Well, that was my pleasure, too, Peter. Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman. " don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody.

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

Well, Look at you there. Well, You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from,

Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb, so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died.

If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church.

FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage.

You want to maybe just go? Quagmire, come on! I'm really trying hard here. Who asked you to try hard?

Look at me. I'm dancing.

(ALL LAUGHING) (SLURRING) (GROANS)

a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"! Aw, Forget the party. The world's gonna end! Y2K! I heard it from a chicken-man.

(SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing.

Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way! Aw, Crap! Hold it right there! Or what? Don't shoot! Now shoot!

Listen, Lois, I--I really appreciate you putting your discomfort aside, so we could have the wedding here. Oh, please, I'm over all that now. Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Oh, Damn! I say, I seem to have sewn a shoe to my hand, may I go to the nurse? Replace him! Faster!

DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!

Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Hey! Keep it down. It's just two guys making out. Relax. Stewie, go to bed. What, am I expected to put myself to bed? Is no one taking care of me? He's a worse dad than a rich New York City investment banker. Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid...

Holy crap! They're all so... small. Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries. Sign me up, Jack, and give me the biggest freakin' gun you got. Hey, Stewie, you can come out now. Ah, Turn off the light. I'm reading a ghost story.

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses!

but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny.

Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive. Today on Hitler, we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk Christian Slater.

Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um,

Peter, would you put that away? I don't like you reading smut at the table. Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois. "He rubbed her shoulder sensually." What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder. Why don't you and that book get a room? Did you hear what I said, Brian? I said, I said, "Why don't you and that..." "That book get a room." Yeah.

We could be without T.V. for weeks! Now Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without T.V. Ha. What's that supposed to mean? Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy?

so now we must be over here by the JCPenney. CHRIS: It looks like the first floor is mostly men's stuff, and there's a Lady Foot Locker right over there. BRIAN: All right, so we're on the third floor. All right, let's get in the elevator. And hurry up, 'cause the smell of that Mrs. Fields is killing me. (THE IMPERIAL MARCH MUZAK PLAYING)

Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen? Hi, James. (MEWS) Oh, my God! Watch when I scratch his bottom. He sticks his fanny in the air. We have liftoff. We have liftoff. (LAUGHING) Come here, James. What the hell are we doing?

Ready, baby? Who's this clown? Open up. Stewie. The airplane's coming in for a landing. I guess the pilot must have been JFK Junior. Even I found that to be in bad taste. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

(DR. HARTMAN GROANS)

I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat It really hurts bad And so do skin grafts

Hello. Hi. Name, please? - Neil Goldman. - Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman. Oh, I beg your pardon, I meant to say Chris Griffin.

(CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate.

You know, those are just three names that come to mind. Brian, that's a great idea. We should get them to rename the school after Dr. King. You like Dr. King? Because I love Dr. King. I love.... M.L.K! Man, he's my guy. He's.... I mean, I love all black people, you know. I mean, ifl could take all the black people in the world...

You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat. Well, just get a divorce and everything will be back to normal.

If I'm the one who made her feel this way, then I'm the one who's got to fix it. Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, ugly!

So, tell me about those knockers. Is that just, like, implants, or did they reassign some ass fat up there?

Am I ever. I've got a to-do list three pages long for him.

That's all the motivation I need to actually do this.

Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours.

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud.

For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself. I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

I don't ever want to see you again.

Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again. Not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesman. Wait a second, Rosie, I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in 5 seconds? - What is this? - 4 seconds. - Is thaT-- - 3 seconds. - It smells like-- - Clean my pee!

So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security? Do you think we should support what the President is doing? Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us. And truthishly, we should just accept that. Okay, good night, everyone.

Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button! Oh, God, what is this? I feel like I'm on acid or something.

We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.

Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual. Where the hell are those purchase orders? Yeah, it's this bum hand. I can't type with it. Well, that's not my problem. I need to see some improvement by the end of the week,

I'll do my best to get the story. Hey, where's Stewie? That's tomorrow, and that is it for us today. Okay, I don't know... Whatever it is, it's not right on the teleprompter. MAN: There it is. We're gonna do Sting, yeah. There's no words there. "To play us out." What does that mean? "To play us out." To end the show? MAN: Yeah. Yeah.

Because it's funny, Meg! People will tune in to Handiquacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it.

Anyway, it's over and done with.

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!

Wait a minute. I smell barbecue. Mmm. So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks. Oh, my God! They're eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.

Whoa! What the hell are these? Hamsters? Oh, my God, they're adorable! (GASPING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) ALL: (CHANTING) Gold Guy. Gold Guy. Gold Guy.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't.

(GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way. Just to check in, make sure everything's going well with you and Brian. It's going kick-ass! Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly.

Peter, you awake? It's a beautiful day. Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't die from that weird sleep-breathing thing I have.

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour?

And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go?

Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Ah! Ah! Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan? - I told you to stop. - I taste blood. Well, there's a lot of it.

Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub? Oh, this is not a bathtub.

I've been careless with a delicate man And it's a sad, sad world When a girl will break a boy just because she can I'm broken. BONNIE: Joe, open the garage. I've earned this private time!

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

Watch this. Forget the down. Are you Watching? Good-bye $40 a month. Let's do $35. Ok, $35. Now, that's the cheapest? Hang on. Hang on. Can you bring me some of those free gym bags? Thanks. I--I can probably just do some pushups at home-- Ok, Let's start with the complete body-fat test, maybe a heart rate-- You're actually not hearing me.

And how long has this been going on?

Not me. I was dating Lois the whole time. I never got to be wild. Except for that time I rode the mechanical bull at that bar. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, my God, how embarrassing! Look how much fun I am! It's like I missed out on half my life. What I wouldn't give to be 18 again,

Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass!

CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING)

I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs,

(SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter.

Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian. Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance.

(ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke. That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God!

"You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit! What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog. Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off?

Hey, who the hell are you? What the hell is that creepy little thing? Well, I'm not Yoda. Okay, I'm Yoda. You're Yoda? You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force.

Both my heart and my wiener somehow knew you were my soul mate. Well...

Thanks to the clam's leadership,

My son got into DeVry.

Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night.

You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert.

Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

Now we want Justin's candy. What? You heard me. Take Justin's bag of candy and pour it into Stewie's.

The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and A tiny comb, Mr. Griffin. Congratulations. You've passed the 4th grade, Mr. Griffin. Aw, Great. Listen, I gotta leave, though. I'm going huntin' with my son. Dad, I know what to do! I saw it on Fox's When Bears Attack! Go away! Go on, get!

We'll always be together We're with you through it all Channel Five Holy shit, that just turned out awful. Joyce, do your thing. Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts,

You all know what day it is? No. It's bath day. I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself.

Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird?

I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. - MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it. - MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction. - Seen it. - MAN 3: Donovan's Reef. - Seen it. MAN 4: License to Drive. Definitely seen it. That's a shame What a shame Who's to blame? For Corey Haim His name is Mr. Booze

even though it was the part of the park where the gay guys go to have sex. To be, or not to be... (MAN 1 GRUNTING) MAN 2: Harder! Ignore that, that's not part of the play. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler... MAN 1: This isn't love, by the way.

Oh, Give it to her good, old man! Peter, wait. I--I've been thinking. It's been a long time since we had such a wonderful night. And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together like this if we're raising another child. Well i--I thought, uh, you know, Brian would kind of do a lot of the work. I don't know.

Even I found that to be in bad taste. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

(ALL CLAMORING)

I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.

(RUMBLING) Uh-oh.

PETER: All right, you guys, I've got a few porn scenarios for you to choose from. Hey, everybody. Got a pizza delivery for this sorority house. Did somebody order sausage? (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

It's like Prague sans the whimsy. Will you be ok by yourself? Oh, I think I'll manage. All right, you guys. We're off!

- You can both suck my ridges. - Get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis.

(CARTER SCREAMING) That's the power of "please," kids.

Though by many they're abhorred

Brian, you know I can't go unless you stare at it. Brian, what the hell? Uh, hey, Lois. (GASPS) The jig's up, Brian! Run! Brian, is this how you're trying to pass your drug test? By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick!

Newsroom. Hello. This is Peter Griffin. You'd better stop saying that stuff or we'll watch something else! Today on The View, cooties, the silent killer. Lois? There's something we got to tell you. Yeah. We didn't stay in the haunted house.

I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Just like a big toy balloon Darling, you and I are just like a couple of tots running across the meadow picking up lots of forget-me-nots

(LAUGHING) I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't. Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait. Look, look, rubber chicken, you know? I should do, like, the whole tape with this in my hand, you know? Just totally, like, with the chicken right here because everyone will be like,

This is ridiculous. Evil Stewie could be anywhere. You know, this really is all your fault. If you hadn't told me I was going soft, I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now.

And I'm gonna find 'em. Patience, lad.

Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner. Oh, no, you're not, Joe. We have a new policy. Can't you read the sign? Peter, what the hell is that all about? It's a message, Joe. I don't want you and your kind eating here anymore. You're ruining what was supposed to be a cool establishment.

Do you really think it could work, Derek?

I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try. Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball.

Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people. You guys, we're still on in Boston.

I got steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God and baby Jesus, we're going down!

That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian. We fix it up and sell it for a huge profit. You're crazy. No, I'm not gonna buy this house with you. Fine. I'll just give the profits to another investor. Plenty of others interested. Oh, yeah? Like who? Mort Goldman for one. Says it's a smart investment. But what does he know? He's only Jewish. - All right, I'm in. - Perfect!

Everything all right? Yeah! Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. Listen. I feel like I should explain myself a little bit here. I'm sorry I had to tell Lois what was going on. You just... You gotta realize I was only thinking about your safety and... (LUKE SNEEZES) (GROWLING) (SIGHS) Luke, you might as well come out now.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

I don't know, my decorator's terrible. (ELECTRICAL WHIRRING) Where are we?

Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid? Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh?

Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?

Ok. The filing is done, Mr. Henson. Thank you, miss ironbox.

No! No, I won't! Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love? Mmm? Write this down, you toad-faced frump. I love pancakes!

Come on, Brian. All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

Hey. You look like you could use a pal. Oh. Hi, Peter.

Oh, crap! This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am! Hiya!

He met a girl. He got married? He says he's not coming back.

We were at the beach

Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

I prayed for you, Max Weinstein, and here you are.

Strange. These conventions usually have Segway parking. Hello? Am I too late for the tttKA? Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique.

Will you just pick it up already!

Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls! (LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls. Just like... Just like Sharon Stone. You beat me to it. Man, I haven't had this much fun since I was in that Broadway show.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois.

But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster.

What's going on? Stewie? Well, Brian, you proved me wrong. What the hell are you talking about? What... What is all this? You see, Brian, I conducted a little experiment. Remember our little argument about whether you and Peter were actually friends?

How many women just like you Have silent schemes? How many men like me Do they sleep with in their dreams?

STEWIE: Well, this is boring. Let's go see what Meg is up to. (CRAWLING RAPIDLY) STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

For God's sake, you're embarrassing me. Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates. Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. You and I will have one cabin, and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two. Oh, this is going to be so much fun! Hi, Chris. How was school? Not good. I got suspended for saying bad words. For God's sake! My principal wants to meet with you guys.

So do we have a deal?

Well, that's my mama!

You better be huge. No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents The King and I," a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story. Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn?

Mmm. ohh. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm... Mmm-mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm.

Peter, watch the road! Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV.

I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode!

Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like?

You were all great. Weren't they? I only wish the show was called The King and Us, so I could cast you all.

Well, let's just hope it looks better than that balcony you built. Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellows? Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things.

(SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode. ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Oh, the swordfish looks good today. I'll have that and start with the caviar. Hey, can I look at the menu? Sorry, Carter. This menu is for members only. The guest menu is on the placemat next to the word scramble. Aw... I guess I'll have the chicken fingers and SpaghettiOs.

But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere Gonna buy me a rainbow

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here?

You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that. - You wanna hook up? - Buy me something. I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool.

Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the housE! There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator!

Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks? I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else.

CARTER: (EXCLAIMS) "All right! Let's go to France." Not bad, eh? Damn it! That was Fox News. Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness and they won't have him slandered.

in tonight's episode, the part of Brian the Dog will be played by Carter Banks. Here I am. Sorry I-- Camera 2. Sorry, I overslept. Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? ahem. Well, I'm-- I'm su--

Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this? That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Hi, Peter. Who is this? How do you know my name? Give me back my son! Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law. Carol, how the hell are you? Not too good. Jason left me. It's gonna be my ninth divorce.

PETER: Yes, he did. Says here he talked Muriel into selling him OxyContin for him and his 19-year-old girlfriend. This went on for weeks. But then she started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off. But he wouldn't let her. He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds. Sounds like a pretty good motive to me.

Well, I mean, there's this little hole. It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect. And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then. No, no, the hole's only 2 meters across.

I can't believe we have to live here. No, This sucks! Ugh, Tell me about it. I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage-fest. Come on, kids, we've been through worse. Meg, you--you remember when you found out your gynecologist never finished med school? All right, Meg, let's take a look at that bergina.

But still, this house is freakin' sweet

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.

That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak! Let's get a kitty! See, gang? Stewie's got the right idea. I don't know, Peter. Lois, trust me. We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better. Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy. That's a good kitty.

I don't know what to do. Carolyn and I are supposed to elope tomorrow, but here comes Loretta all apologetic and wanting to get our family back together and whatnot. I wouldn't forgive her so fast, Cleveland. Remember, she slept with Quagmire. Yeah, she really acted crazy.

Meg! There you are. Hey, everybody, this is our newest member, Meg. - Hi, Meg. - What's up? Hi, you gays, guys. Girls. Look, listen, Sarah, I can't be in your club. I'm not a lesbian. You can't be serious. We had a whole party planned for you. Really? A party, for me?

Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face, which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win! Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face!

Look. It's Tom Tucker from the news, and that must be his son. Oh, my! I feel bad staring without having paid for a ticket. I mean, really, How am I supposed to follow that act? Bite the head off a chicken? Dad, they're staring at me! They're just jealous. Ugh. You're next. Hey, w-Wait a minute.

Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him!

Who the hell are you? One lucky son of a bitch.

Greetings, unwashed masses. The following laws will go into effect immediately. Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal. It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death. Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex.

Slap me across the face like a bitch. It's all right. I'll get some Windex. Come on. Discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?

Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me? I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois.

There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w. Like "cow." So it's kind of... It's sort of a dark joke.

Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister.

Help! Somebody help! Rape!

Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

Set your course for the Hoth system. Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's this handshake business, huh?

"Dear Red, if you've come this far, "maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay. I'm a banana I'm a banana Peel the banana Peel the banana Now go bananas! Go, go bananas! Go! Come on, you guys. Do it with me. Go bananas. Yeah! (SHOUTING)

Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that. Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter? Did we not have money for the Petercopter?

Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so.

(YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose? What? Yeah, exactly. "What?"

Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened.

Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel! How's it coming, dog?

He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs.

Gee, Dr. Smith, this doesn't seem like a very safe place to be. (CRYING) William!

And, And we can build a community, just like the one we had. No! We'll build a better one. I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.

Carolyn, it's been so nice getting to know you. Yeah, Cleveland, she's way more fun than that wife you used to have. What was her name? Weezy or Florida or something? - Jennifer Hudson? - Loretta. Well, you're doing a lot better now, Cleveland.

I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen.

What did you just say?

Wow! It went right there.

What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down. No. I'm not living my life without a mustache. Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart.

Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon.

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow! MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP)

I... You, too, honey. (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) God, look at Meg's fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine.

Jasper's residence. Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian? Peter? I-i-It's me. Jasper's my cousin. I'm using his place while he works at Club Med. Are you on a cell phone? Yeah. We're in L.A. WhAt? Uh... Uh, What--What a terrific surprise!

You're going fishing again? Yes, Lois. I love fishing. Remember, fishing was my not-at-all memorable job for two years? No. You don't remember my fishing boat. You don't remember Santos and Pasqual? Not even a little. They were like male Consuelas. It was a mistake making them Portuguese, though. People don't even know what a Portuguese is.

All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up. RED: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob.

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

'Cause when you come down to it, this is where We all belong Well, I got to tell you, I'm not buying any of this crap. Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois. What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own?

False! Guns are good. in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?

I was teaching her to drive and she lost control of the car.

It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it!

Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

I only want your Tango & Cash. So just Pay ft Forward and we'll all be Happy Gilmore. What? So, how's my suddenly lesbian daughter doing?

Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair. (CRYING) They got him. They finally got him. Geez, Joe, you okay? (SOBBING) Here, use my handkerchief. It's wet and cold. Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you?

Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me?

Whoa! Whoa! What are you gonna do? Kill us? Huh? Oh, no, no. We wouldn't do that. We'll probably just shoot the ground all around you to make you scared. And then you'll jump in your truck and speed off, hit something and do a wicked flip through the air. Well, that'd kill us. No, no. You guys will just roll out of the vehicle, and dust yourself off and lumber back to your hideout, defeated.

These are mine now. Hey! Oh, honey, when we accepted those mugs, we knew this could happen.

So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England. I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off. All right, all right. I tell you what,

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay?

No, James. I don't want to. Yes, you do. - No, I don't. - Yes, you do. No, I don't! Yes, you do! - Okay, yes. - See that? Fifty no's and a yes means yes. Hi.

I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease. "Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away."

(GRUNTING) (WHOOPS) (SCREAMING)

I never knew that. Oh, hello, Lois. Peter. What are you doin' here and where are your clothes? Oh, did I forget my clothes? Oh, You know, I'd leave my ass behind if it wasn't so perfectly attached to my sternum. Perhaps I should cover myself.

oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

So, Why didn't you go with them? Ah, You don't know what It's likE wHen you're in love. Oh, yeah? Her name's Amy. She works at a pet store. I met her last summer when her dad hung himself. But I was too shy to ask her ouT.

(GROANS) Strong women always turn out to be nightmares. Like Joan of Arc. Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn.

Oh, no. I'm not a member. I'm their chaperone. Chaperone? Yeah. Uh-huh. We're in that section right over there. Hey! There he is! It's Brian Griffin! Damn it, Randy. You just spilled my juice box.

You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

Hey, Margaret tha-- Ugh! What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved. No. That's just our women. Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat!

Thanks, Meg. Oh, er... What's wrong? Nothing. It's just that I like to put the straw in myself. Oh. I'm sorry. Here. Yeah. It's not the same now. I'll... I'll just get another one.

Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams, and he'll think we've already changed. Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy! One good one for every 10. Ho-ho! Damn these hands.

Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it! Get in. Come on, drive, drive, drive! Ooh. There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're cool." Joe, I think you're cool.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.

He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger. That's not the man I married. So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. What? Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party. Hey, Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here! How you doing, honeY?

You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing.

That Guy! So, uh, What's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad? "Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch?

(GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.

Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it...

Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

Oh, What a great day! I just want to s--

No, those are all gone. (GROANS) (WRAPPER CRINKLING) (WRAPPER CRINKLING)

CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.

Definitely blind. You guys are crazy. Hey, you don't wanna be a midget? One of those funny little guys runnin' around gettin' in all kinds of shenanigans. Smokin' a cigar, while you're ridin' around in a stroller. Good point. Never thought of it that way. They are God's little punch lines.

(YELLING IN PAIN) What? What? What are you looking at? I could fight you both.

First off, what's your name?

This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past.

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

I'll let you have sex with my daughter. I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like. She's right there. Okay, I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop? I think that can be arranged.

Come on in. Come on in. Tell old Stew. Okay, well, first, the seminar was terrific. I absorbed so much. And then I get back here last night, and I meet an incredible woman. You know, I've heard the phrase "soul mate" for years, and I never got it till last night.

Say ho! Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house Someone just cleaned that floor Whoo-hoo! Say what, what! Ha! Ha! Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality?

- One. - One. Four, zero, one. Yes. Five, five, five. Five. Five. Five. That was painless. Okay. One, one, two, five. One, one, two, five. There you go, you got it. One, five, five.

Hey, classmates. Griffin, did you gain weight? That's not important. But you know what is important? I'm gay now. Let's all of us go be gay somewhere together. And then you go tell all your friends that I welcome them to be gay with me, too, because I am gay. I'll be gay with you. Oh, this is too perfect.

You ever see a horse blink his eye? Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first.

Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man

Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!

Well, those are snowmobile tracks.

And they said because of their faith, they don't believe in medicine. Mom, I think there's a lot of religions that do that. Well, that may be, Meg, but that poor little baby has cancer,

I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list

Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea! Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the...

BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job. I don't need Brian to watch TV with. I got you, Meg.

Rush, I've never known a Democrat to pass up pork. (SNICKERING) (MOANING) Gotcha! Now let's find out who you really are. BOTH: It's old man Barney Frank!

Hey, hey, fatty, wake up. What the... What happened? You're dead, jackass. You died in a drunk-driving accident. Oh, God. Did I hold on to the touchdown pass? What the... What's wrong with you?

Where are you going? You're never gonna find the black market!

Do you want to say 9:00? Sure. See you then. Oh, my God! I'm in love.

Oh, my God! Neil!

Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that,

let's ceLebrate

Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can...

Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was ok. OH, The doctor! Well, I guess he must know, right? I mean, he's a doctor and everything, and, uh, I'm just, uh, Death!

The consequences could be dire! Hey, You guys, I bet I can go up to each one of those scary-looking bikers and say, "hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons?" Peter, no! Peter, Now you're just being brainless. Hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons? Hey!

Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. Well, it turns out I'm not royalty. Shame about the Queen, though. Yeah, I reckon she's with Jesus Christ in heaven now. (SPITS) (METALLIC DING) Well, I'm just happy our family is safe and sound,

Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money.

What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on. This government's FCC is trying to take all the farts away from television! And all the sex, and all the nudity, and all the poop. Well, I say it's wrong. These things are part of the fabric of American life.

Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here! (GASPS) Oh, my God! I know, about the water, right? Wow, cool.

Don't you hate that? That is awful. I think it's easier on me because I'm the one making the sound. Ok, Nice effort, Brad. But, uh, let's remember our performance hierarchy. Legitimate theater, musical theater,

and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, ok? Now make it stop. Peter, This is the final plague!

Looks an awful lot like the Governor's mansion from Benson. It is. I'm fond of the series, and I wanted the local birds to be aware of that. Well, I'll be on the lookout for Great Tits. Peter! Well, actually, Lois, that's a species of bird that's known to frequent domestic birdhouses. It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse. Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some Great Tits. 'Cause there certainly ain't any in here!

For crying out loud, We played Pictionary with them! Bastards! Giddy-up, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! Hya! Well, bye. And to think they used to be our best friends! Well, That was then and this is now! And this is a chair. That's a lamp. And You have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy!

If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples. What?

Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk. Boy, I really appreciate you guys helpin' me out on this.

God, please forgive me. I get that from my father. He's from a different generation. - It's-- - Whatever, man. - We cool? We good? - Yeah, we're cool. Fine. Mr. Doctor? If you get shot in a rap feud... can you perform surgery on yourself?

Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason...

and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) I know. That was told to me in confidence.

To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.

Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah.

You make a small incision in the scrotal skin

Chris, it's me, Meg. (SIGHS) Well, that's everybody. MAN ON TV: We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders. (SOBBING) I don't know how it got like this! Dad, Mom, there's something I want to ask you. Can I go to school in Paris for a semester?

like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at...

Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky. You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy, but others might. Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy.

You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?

Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly.

(BOTH GROANING) Stop that. Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that?

My son got into DeVry. Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything?

So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see? He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever.

('80s MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) (HONKING)

I'm not doing this! What do you mean, you're not doing it? I'm drawing the line. I wrote a script that really meant a lot to me, and you guys took it and turned it into something cheap and ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm not selling out anymore. I quit. Do you guys have a studio lawyer or something,

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

I want to be hoisted up on the chair and see what it feels like to be top Jew. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, fellas. We've been out here for months And we all know that men have certain needs. And being there's no women around, we're gonna have to have an orgy. - Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither.

- Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you.

All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent!

If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely.

Lois! Peter? What are you doing here?

QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter, what's up? I'm stuck at the stupid ballet. Get out of here. You serious? Yeah. So am I! What? Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to screw.

So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty!

I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day. Hey, New Brian. You have a guitar! Yep. In fact, I wrote a new song today. And I want to hear what you think of it. Where did you find the time for that? Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.

Oh, honey, that sounds awful. I know what will cheer you up. You want to scratch my pet rabbit, Steven, on his nose with your index finger? I like rabbits 'cause you can pull their ears back and make them look like Asian people. (IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC) Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!" Can I have another bourbon, please?

Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!

Now, If you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. So, Were you, like, in an accident, or what? No. Me father was a tree. What's wrong with me? I got to be crazy to think I can kill that man-eating fish.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap!

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

Oh, we do all kinds of crazy stuff. Sometimes we even have phone sax. Don't you mean phone sex? No, Joe. Phone sax.

But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later. Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. Stewie, shut up. (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.?

This is what it feels like to be a bear. You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married? You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear?" Well, this is it. This is it. I'm living it, baby. No, you're not. You've been wearing those things for three days. You can wear them to bed, but tomorrow we're getting rid of them. (SIGHS) Fine. Screw up all my fuzziness.

Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip.

You know, I think I may have an idea what's causing his behavior, Peter. Look at all this stuff. Listen to these lyrics. "I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches. "I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits." Oh, look, they got a translation for white people.

HEy, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds!

But it's gotta be Heaven, Brian. Look, there's my frugal Aunt Ruth, my thrifty Uncle Isaac, my bargain-hunting Aunt Flo, and my Great Aunt Vera, who didn't like to spend a lot on anything.

Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman. Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam! Unless I'm confusing you with someone else. Nope. That was... That was you. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back.

Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement? That son of a bitch went back on his word.

STEWIE: Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a naked tea party. Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here.

Hang on, Lois. What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own? That's insulting. And you know what? I don't like the way you've been talking to Rush this evening. You know, I thought you were my friends. But if you can't accept me now that we disagree about certain things, then maybe you aren't the friends I thought you were. I'm moving out. What? No! Again? I'm gonna go stay with Rush Limbaugh.

Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me.

Ronald Reagan? The guy that used to bang that 70-pound witch? Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States. Oh, my God! Hey, Quagmire, guess who I'm talking to right now? Yup.

I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad." I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet! (SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot. I'm totally breaking up with him. I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys. But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school.

Well, Look at the bright side, Lois. It's a chance for a fresh start for both Cleveland and... Oh, my God! What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What the hell, man? Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ...

Hello? Young man? I don't think he even knows where he is. Do you want to just... Yeah, I mean, I'll just try and do it, I guess. Hey.

They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox Hoping you could be coerced I can think of quite another place They should've stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC

I'm here for the boy. Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. (GASPS) But then why should you remember? There were so many of us.

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Excuse me, sir. Secret Service. I wonder if we might ask for your assistance. Yeah, what's the problem? We're with President Clinton's motorcade. It seems he blew a tire in front of your house. Boy, that guy is really horny, isn't he? Would you happen to have a jack we could borrow? You don't need a jack. I am a jack.

All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations. Thanks, Regis. REGIS: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show." So, we need five consonants and a vowel. Oh, okay. Um... "Z." Four.

Everyone, I got big news. We are going to be rich. Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic.

Joe? Sorry, I dialed the wrong number. I meant to call Cleveland.

Yes, Lord Vader, their shield will be down in moments. You may start your landing. Excellent. We'll prepare for our descent. Hey. Hey, Consuela, no cleaning. No cleaning while I'm doing the hologram... Shut that off!

but the school board has voted to cancel your Sex Ed class. Look, Principal Shepherd, I know my husband acted inappropriately. Oh, it's not because of your husband. It's because you're teaching those kids about condoms. What? That's ridiculous. These students have the right to information about safe sex. Well, these parents don't think so.

Thanks for all your help, Globetrotters. That was a cold swish. Put her there. No, no, no, no. (ALL LAUGHING)

I don't care what she says. I'm never going back! Look, you can't run away from your problems, Chris. That's what I tried to do. I joined the Peace Corps and a day later, I was two continents away. - Really? - Yup.

Peter, do we have to watch this? This is what rednecks watch, Brian. Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS)

Yeah, they wake up Wake up, wake up, wake up With a rash Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight And the guys in hooded sweatshirts

Hi, Meg. It's Bonnie. How is everything going there? Great. Has Joe died? What? No. That's good. I was just calling to tell him my father is recovering well and the doctors say he'll be fine. That's great. I'll tell him.

Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile. (LAUGHING EVILLY) This'll get Chris. Hey, classmates.

Oh, my God! And sometimes, just for the hell of it, she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair and places it gently on your tongue. Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this. Calm down, everything's gonna be all right.

And one more question, darling. Who are you? Excuse me, would you mind taking a look at my resume? I haven't had an interview in a while, and I want to make sure it's formatted correctly.

Peter, would you put that thing away? We're trying to eat dinner. I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message, like, four hours ago. Well, maybe he doesn't have his phone with him. No, no, it rang twice, and then the voicemail picked up. If it had gone straight to voicemail, that means the phone was off. If it rang, like, six times, that means he didn't hear it.

I know how to do the snaps. There. I did it. Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out. (CHUCKLING) I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it? Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this? I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it. Okay, okay, I can do this. All right, lay down.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh!

and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining. My God, I'd better see a doctor. But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit. Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town. Listen, I know I'm not a regular patient, but I think I have some trouble with my prostate.

but I am pregnant and I am having this baby!

Hey Thanks, "Watches You PeE." HEy, Where's your mother? Over there. I didn't know you knew how to play poker. Yeah. How you doing? Yeah. That's good, honey. Let's go. Yeah.

Well, It seems you've made a full recovery. Oh, yeah. yeah. W-- Uh-- That--That plane crash I told you about, it turned out to be gas. Aha! Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30.

Chris, have you... Have you been drinking? Yes. Have you been aging? I want you two to do it right in front of me, and I'm gonna throw 40 bucks on your sweaty bodies when you're done. Let's see the money. Why do you guys hate me? (EXCLAIMING) That pain in my stomach is back.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas. Is it "what?" That's right. You win, Peter. You did it. Oh, my God! I won. I won! My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter. What a feeling.

You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! Play with this!

(THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish! Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery. What the hell? Where's my wallet? Crap, I must've dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert. Dropped it at the what? And where was I? Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet. "I dropped it at the concert." "The hooker took it."

Well, I know they say "Reach for the stars," but if we all did that, there'd be nobody left here on Earth, right? I guess. (CHUCKLES) There you go.

There's got to be a way to get back at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris. I know! I know! I know! Let's plant drugs in his locker. Oh, my God! That's a great idea. Yeah, thought you'd like that. Hey, look at that Yosemite Sam mud flap. You had better stay back, Brian.

Thanks for everything, Mr. Herbert. If only I had listened to you, none of this would've happened. You were my real friend all along. I'm sorry. It's okay, Chris. Sometimes the only way to really appreciate what you have is to see what life is like without it.

You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad!

I'm so embarrassed. That's ok, honey. As long as you learned your lesson. Oh, I did, Peter, for a couple of minutes. Then... This is so silly. I started playing again. Jeez, I could swear I parked here. Yeah, you did. But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car.

You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding. But without Nilla Wafers it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions! Now clean it up!

Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids?

Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year. Congratulations on 2nd place, Lois.

There's nothing I want more Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you

We make holes in teeth! So if she wasn't around,

Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House?

I think I got a wave here!

My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

(CHEERING) Yo, welcome back to America's Got Talent! Let's welcome our next performer, here to play the harmonica, Peter Griffin.

Isn't baseball great? They say baseball's the national pastime. I can't taste salt.

Hey, what about Lando? The Lando system? Lando's not a system. He's a black guy. In fact, I think he might be the only black guy in the galaxy. (CHUCKLES) Let's hope, right? ALL: Whoa! (CLANKING) All right, the fleet's breaking up. Chewie, get ready to release the landing claw and we'll float away with their garbage. Release!

- Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake. Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

You suck! See you in 3 days. Let's go.

(CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap.

The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing.

Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in! What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there.

Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder!

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room.

Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay. Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit?

Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(FEEDBACK ON PA) A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl RED: To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about.

I have never been as angry as I... What is my piano doing down here? It was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but... Never mind.

(SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like. Will you stop that? Hey, can I borrow 50 marks? Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week? Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap.

Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife.

(GROWLING THE RIGHT STUFF)

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting. (MONITOR BEEPING)

All right, students, we have a special speaker today who's going to educate you about sex. Please welcome from the First Evangelical Church, the Reverend Jerry Kirkwood and the Opal Ring Crusade. Hey, kids, put your Walkmans down and listen up, because we're gonna talk about sex. GOD: Sex? Hang on there, Jerry.

and for some reason, Steve Buscemi. Man, look at that Steve Buscemi. Every one of his teeth is in business for itself. You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell?

I don't think I'm comfortable around you anymore.

Besides, you can learn a lot from British nursery rhymes. Ring-a-ring-a-roses A pocket full of posies Ashes, ashes We all fall down! See, that was actually written about the bubonic plague. Oh. Didn't know that. Ooh! Ooh! This next one's my favorite.

We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit.

(IMITATES LASER FIRING) Gotcha!

BOBBY! Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream.

I've even been singled out a few times. Probably because it's mostly pregnant women in the group. Still, Brody must see something, although I certainly don't. But then again I'm not the instructor, am I? Oh, yuck. What happened to my ear? We pierced it. Oh, yeah. A lot of crazy shit went on last night.

Okay, thank you. Did you wash my car like I asked? No, but I hit it with a rock. Okay, thanks. Brian, I think my jaw is falling off. (EXCLAIMING) Stewie, what is happening to this thing? Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian.

Carter, as your boss, I command you to have a viewing party for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory, and you have to go cubicle to cubicle inviting people. Come on, Peter. I'm not good with rejection. I'm your boss. Now do it!

I'll be fine. I just have to concentrate on driving. Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Yee, would your people really do this?

Shut up, Joe. Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink. What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom. Isn't he great? No, he's weird. Why'd he order a ginger ale? And who the hell doesn't look at jugs?

It's raining luggage and babies and limbs and Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child. Hey, did you read this? They're going to be making an American version of Jolly Farm, right here in Quahog. Oh, my God! I didn't see that. Give me! Good Lord, you're right! An American Jolly Farm!

There, that looks good. Doesn't that pie look good? Too bad we can't get at it. It's in space, and we're in here. Otherwise, I'd be eating it right now. All right, let's park right there in that cave. What are you doing? You can't park there. You're not handicapped. I have vertigo.

TOM ON TV: Stay with us as the countdown to doomsday continues with just six more hours to go. The only thing that's nice about this is even though it's a Tuesday, it feels kind of like it's a Friday. Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word.

Looks like your fans are back, Mom. Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! No, I think this one's all yours. Go, girl! All right! One's an innie, and one's an outie. And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon.

Time to lose some weight, dearie.

Stewie, honey, want to play rocket ship? What the deuce? Blast off! Go on, Stewie. Get the note for Mommy. How dare you use me for your own personal selfish... Hmm. Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD.

So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?

I had a great time with you tonight. You're really amazing. Thanks, Andy. I had a great time, too. Hey. How about some love for shoulder guy over here? Shoulder guy wants to get in on this. Just ignore him. Okay. So, do you maybe want to go in the other room? Sure. Sounds good.

Oh, crap. They've got us in a tractor beam. Well, they're not going to get me without a fight. You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting. Like what? Like getting the hell out of here! No, just kidding. Can you imagine if I was like that?

Excuse me, sir. My name is Peter. Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey. Listen, this may be hard for you to believe, but you're my father. Oh, am I now? Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you.

Hey, are you coming out tonight? I'm not gay! They put the hole in the wrong side.

Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg. So, I'm sure I can take a... There he is.

(SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING)

Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group. Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian?

Okay, just remember to act confident. You're gonna do great. You look real grown up. Uh, yes, I'd like to buy some alcohol, please. Okay, can I see your ID? I don't have one. You don't? No, it's me, Chris. Oh, hey, Chris. Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol?

I kill people and burp and watch so much porn.

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well. All right, try it again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified.

You know, maybe we should just invite him for dinner and clear this whole thing up. Yeah, you know, we got no right passing judgment without getting to know him. Isn't that right, Scottish chipmunk? Yeah, he doesn't talk, but he's a chipmunk, and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.

It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine.

See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too. And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog. Please. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. You know, I will always love you, but I made a commitment to Brian. I can never repay him for what he's done for this family.

Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan! Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life. Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom!

Ross Fishman. Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis?

That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby.

Plus, we learned something. And you can't put a price on that. Look, Lois, we all know what happened. We're all depressed. All right, let's just go to different rooms and stare blankly out the window, saying nothing. (BIRDS TWITTERING)

Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.

Hey, Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel. Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling.

Ugh, Bertram just voided his bowels. That's it! The genetic material needed for my creation is inside me.

Something like what you've just been through.

The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money!

Oh, my God! Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? Is this an eyeglass lens? I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this. (SCOFFS) Gay marriage. Next thing you know, they'll want to vote. Oh, oh, look at this. A spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco. They--They don't even make this anymore.

Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha! Hmm. Ugh! yee-ah! Lois, that was amazing! Congratulations--

(LAUGHING) This old story. If I had a nickel. All right. Where's your son? I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet. (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson. Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working?

MAN ON VIDEO: Ladies and gentlemen, your animal brethren need your help. Everywhere they are crying out in the hopes that someone will hear. In cosmetic research labs. Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms.

- Sorry, Master Herbert. - Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt. Yes, sir. I am so tired of you.

Where is this girl? Where is she?

You know, uh, the kids are gonna be at that town social for a while. I think I know where you're going. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah!

You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat

Just take it off

not even enough to get you a damn mumps shot? Oh, no! You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience.

TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!

Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way.

"Where's my penis, pilgrims?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And here's John Wayne Gacy at the first Thanksgiving. "I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)

Well Sir, We only air the show. We have nothing to do with it being canceled.

We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone. Oh, thank God, we're saved! I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.

(MUFFLED) Okay.

I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this. Maybe this was all a big mistake. You're damn right it was. Why did I ever agree to do this? This isn't who I am. I looked in the mirror this morning, and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir.

What the hell happened? Where is everybody? You don't suppose... You think we're the only people on Earth? I don't know. I tell ya what. I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix. If people don't show up, then we're it. Yep, we're it.

But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS!

Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?

(SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife! PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery. I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy.

let's grab some bandages.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think I can. What was that? Never you mind what that was. (CLANGING) Rise and shine, everyone! What do you got there? A candy bar, huh? - Got any other contraband? - No. Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer.

It was my pleasure, Brian.

(ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion.

BRIAN: Where are we? STEWIE: This is Quahog, Brian. Same year, same time. But in this universe, Christianity never existed. Which means the Dark Ages of scientific repression never occurred and thus, humanity is 1,000 years more advanced. Ergo, muscular, genetically perfect pigs. Hey, look. There's Quagmire. Thanks, honey. Say hi to your husband.

He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream. Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you.

Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that.

Dynamite Dynamite

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian. But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball? No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway.

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.

I say, I say, Ahmed. What is that thing you people do when you're about to assassinate an infidel? Ah, You mean this? Oh, God. Yes, I love that.

It's just been revoked.

R2, play him the message. General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. We need your help again. And, not to get too personal,

Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell!

Wassup? Can I get 2 slices of pepperonI?

You wanted to see me? Yes, yes, come in. Close the door. Take a look at this, Brian. Recognize him, Brian? No. It's your brother. I found him for you, buddy. What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry. What's that big thing around his neck? Oh, I'll show you.

Lord Peter Lowenbrau Griffin the First. Play me down the stairs, boys.

What the deuce?

(LOIS CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY) (PETER CONTINUES GRUNTING) (PETER COUGHING) (PETER PANTING) PETER: I did it! I did it! That was all that noise. I did it.

(CAR ENGINES STARTING) (TIRES SQUEALING) Nice going, Joe. Well, it's great being back in the North, where people are civilized. (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Hey, what, are you guys all on a date? Gay!

They even got some of that high-class British porn. Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done.

Good. This family works much better when we're unified. You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great. I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that. I'm telling you, this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden. Oh, my God! Peter! When did you get that? Eh, a few of the fellows at work talked me into it, said it was something I might need. Well, it's horrible!

If not, take care of yourself. I'm just going away for a few days. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... Really? It would be that easy for you? What? You thought I was leaving forever and you just said, "Good luck"? What the hell was that? Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade?

You know, I'm up for this, but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.

Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you.

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you! (EXCLAIMS) We got to get you to the hospital! You're hideous! Who did this to you? Where are my keys? Where's my keys? Where are my keys? Peter, what about Babs? Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki.

You all know what day it is? No. It's bath day.

Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!

and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system.

No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked.

PETER: God damn it!

Hey, We're just watching, all right. I don't want any trouble. OH, You've got trouble if you don't beat iT. Listen, buddy-- I said get lost! Where's he going? Dad! Let him go, kids. You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE! Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it!

CARTER: Babs, you want to spend a mind-blowing afternoon? Get stoned and listen to this song. (WOMAN SINGING) Jeepers, creepers Where'd you get those peepers? BABS: But after some months, the letters stopped coming, and I was certain he had perished.

Hello, gentlemen. I am the warden. You are here because you are criminals. This is not a resort.

Oh, and I don't respond to Peter. From now on, I want you to use my Hebrew name. (HISSING) Well, I caution you...

Women drinking beer.

No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! (GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that?

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet!"

PETER'S DAD: Peter! Dad? What do you think you're doing, Peter? You were raised Catholic. If you forsake your religion, you'll spend eternity in hell. Oh, God. I don't want that!

Brian, thanks for showing up so promptly for your quarterly evaluation. Now, then. I'm going to do something I call the compliment sandwich... where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement... and then end with something good. Whatever you gotta do. Okay. Let's see. Something good. Something good. Something good.

Yeah, we... We did one of those earlier. Yours is better, though. We probably should've waited for yours. (GROANING) Joseph, my water just broke! - It's time! - Oh, my God! Please, you've gotta have some place for us! We're desperate! Well, there's a manger out back. You can stay there.

Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING)

All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.

but then you won that stupid trophy. You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships.

He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks. Well, all in all, you should be thankful. I think the Kennedys had a kid like you, and they had it put to sleep.

Well, we're finally going home. I'm sorry I tricked you into that job, honey. You deserve to have a more excitin' life. Oh, Peter. Being married to you gives me all the excitement I can handle. I mean, look at us. On a boat, in the middle of the Atlantic, under the moonlight, surrounded by refugees. Yeah. Uh, About that,

Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger? (BOTH SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GEESE HONKING) (DRIVERS SCREAMING)

Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break-dancers to do their routine on your stomach. Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall.

Yeah, finally a terrible Boston bar with a giant low-def TV. Let's go, Celtics! I think that's The Dr. Oz Show. What are you talking about? This is the last scene of Independence Day. Hey, look, even the bartender's low-def. Hey, what can I get you fellas?

It's too bad we're not Dragonheart.

We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food. Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish. I really thought we were gonna lose him. It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin. Go ahead and check out with my intern, Anna.

Panic. Pay no attention to detail. Let your mind race. Take short, rapid breaths. Then hide under the bed, but leave two of your feet sticking out. (DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) Oh, my God, Dad! Are they gonna take me? I'm so scared!

but all I did was make people feel as bad as Randy made me feel. I'm just a big jackass. It's all right, Dad, I forgive you. As long as you promise never to bully anyone again. I promise, Chris. I mean, you know, unless I get really stinking drunk, in which case all you got to do is outrun your sister.

Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you. I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

No, it's not. Adam can charge whatever he wants for a parking ticket. You know, Meg, that guy's been playing fast and loose with his position for years now, and I've had it. He's a corrupt bastard. That is not true. Yes, it is. Somebody's got to stand up and prove to this town that he's a crook. And it looks like it has to be me. What was all the commotion?

I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.

Madder. Madder! Come on. Hot, hot, Hot, hot, hot! Ooh, ooh, There it is. You got it. And Fast-forward. You're an old man now. You're on your deathbed. Your son is there, holding your hand. You tell him you accept his lifestyle and regret humiliating him at his only sister's wedding, by introducing him as your "other daughter." And scene.

because the same thing happened to me. An older neighbor. Her name was Elaine. I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups. I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old. Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie.

Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!

No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

Sometimes you just seem to take us for granted.

Is that part of your stand-up act? I don't know. Did you like it? I wouldn't open with it. Pardon me, sir. We're trying to locate a possessed child. Have you seen anyone who looks like this? Yeah, that's my son. He's actually in the Mini Mart right now. He'll be out in a second. (STAMMERING) I mean, I mean, no. No, never seen him before.

An old Con Ed bill... I mean, a new testament of Jesus Christ! Everyone has to sleep with me! What? And no dancing! But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time. (WHISTLING)

I'm Nora. I just joined the force. Nice to meet you. Wow, I've heard so much about you. You're like a legend at the academy. Is it true you got straight A's in Officer Henderson's Overintensity Workshop? You're damn right I did! Well, you did some great work today. And I mean regular-person great, not just wheelchair-person great. (SIGHS) Yeah, I guess.

I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.

Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house?

Ok, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold, and--and there's gonna be wind, and people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops. How awful! Oh, no. I'm sorry, that's--that's rain. Yes. It'll rain.

What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

I know! Suck on that, Quagmire. Yeah, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well. Oh, my God! What does it look like? You know, not half bad. Nothing you'd look twice at, but not bad. Oh, my God! That... You know, that is a tough road ahead. I mean, like, what do those people do as far as relationships and sex and stuff?

Hi, everybody. This is Scott.

I will kill you.

Hello, Jonathan?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

(COMMERCIAL JINGLE PLAYING)

Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg!

What's the charge, Officer? Driving without my phone number. Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful.

get on the flooR

ANNOUNCER: This programming brought to you in part by Kobe brand condoms, the protection you want for the sex she doesn't. Brian, do you know where Peter is? Yeah, he and the guys went to go rob your dad.

Who's talking about love? We're talking about marriage. Well, don't you love Mom? Come on, Lois, look at her. So two straight people who hate each other have more of a right to be together than two gay people who love each other? That's what we raised you to believe. Oh, my God! I've made a terrible mistake! I've been brainwashed, like Elizabeth Smart.

Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.

You have abandonment issues. You need to confront your mother and deal with this. What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah!

Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE-- Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence.

Peter, we have proof that it was Chris who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy.

And here to help me secure the Latino vote is actor Jimmy Smits. Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) That's our guy! Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one. It's probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.

'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

hi, mOM. oh, Look at you all. I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking. Thank you, Nana. Hello, everyone. Hi, Daddy. Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt. Did Peter have a stroke? No, Daddy. Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

All aboard. All right, everybody. This is a... Hey, where the hell is everybody? Oh, we haven't had a paying customer in months. Nobody rides the train anymore. Oh, well, for God's sake!

Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.

The cave is collapsing! This is no cave. What?

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

Do you have Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen? No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies. Damn it! This is the third used-record store with that same story.

And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault. Yeah, besides, Peter, those companies have huge legal divisions. You can't fight that. I'll find a way, with the help of my snarky cat lawyer, Meowsy McDermott. You've gotta be kitten me! Ha!

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

PETER: Valentine's Day, a day of love, right in the middle of Black History Month. There are a thousand hearts in Quahog, a thousand stories. Some people don't have any stories. Others got two. Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

I mean, who's going to put those three magazines in a neat stack on the coffee table? Lois, I realize you're excited about going away with Bonnie and all, but could I not have to hear about the trip when you get back? I know you're going to have pictures and stories, and I just don't want to be involved in any of that mess. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) You ready to go, Lois?

Oh, my God, really?

So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS)

Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew Lois makes me take the rap

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor. When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way. Last night, for God's sake, you farted. I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat. Shut up and go to sleep! (BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me!

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis.

Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog? Well, a stray.

And honestly, when I turn 18, I don't know that I ever want to see you again. (SOBBING) Oh, wow, everybody's already tweeting "Stewie Just Said That." You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry.

Nice. Cleveland? Loretta, what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife.

they don't always leave. Peter, she's gonna be okay. Listen, Brian, you say the word and I'll go in there with a pillow and you won't have any more problems. How many times do I have to tell you I'm sticking by this woman? I love her! Careful, Brian. Sometimes the things you love can disappoint you. Like that Playboy issue. (SIGHS) Here we go. "Playboy's Women of the Olympics."

And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What?

Think about that while I get myself a drink. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Ah!

What is this? What the hell are we doing here? Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone! That's impossible. She was still passed out on the couch when we left. (GROANS) What the hell happened?

Uptown emergency. Don't got to finish my green beans. Peter, you stay there and finish those green beans. But my stomach's upset on account of the news.

It has been a red dawn. Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink. No! We're just getting started! Meg is my least favorite of all your children. It's all right. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive?

'cause it ain't gonna be me. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming! Jesus Christ, look at you! You had it all, money, fame, eternal life, the perfect hand for masturbating, and you blew it!

(FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out. Probably just making room for something.

It's me, Quagmire. I need to borrow your lawnmower. Quagmire's not here. It's just me, James. I'm supposed to watch the house. Come on, Quagmire. It's 97 degrees out here. We're two grown men. Are you selling yarn? 'Cause I love yarn.

Um... You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him. - (PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN - PLAYING) What is that?

Hey, Great show out there. Look, If you want an autograph right now, you gotta give me a pen or get me some snow. I look at you and I see a series. In fact, We want to put cameras in your house and follow the human drama that is your family. Kind of like The Real World. All right! Then everyone would get to see me and my wacky anticS.

Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig, and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he? Like a champ he is.

Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

(CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha! Very well. But I am not really your father, Ha ha! ah!

Wow, look at how gay we are. I am so gay with my gayness. Me too. I'm... I'm a homo. - Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!

I'm okay, but the midget inside me's got a head concussion. No, no, no, no, no, no! Artoo?

Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing. About anything. (SIGHS) Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse. Good. This family works much better when we're unified. You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family.

How do you think I feel? Is Dad mad at me? Oh, Of course not, honey. Now Go pick out a box of cereal, and meet me at the 10-inches- or-less line. Items!

Let me remind you all that this Saturday at 5:00 pm, we'll have vespers, not to be confused with the Italian motor scooter. (ALL LAUGHING) (LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Vespers! And don't forget, next weekend, we will have the Sunday afternoon family picnic,

And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

Oof! Ahh! Ahh! Ha!

Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh? Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on! (ALL CHEERING) I just... I--I can't take it anymore. He's driving me crazy. Take it easy, honey.

What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands, that's what... That's what happens. All right, look, let's get some music going on in here. Where's the Lullaby Channel? (RADIO CLICKS ON) (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) A gentle breeze From Hushabye Mountain

You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad oh, One time.

Dear God and Black Jesus!

God, this is such an old-people house, you know. I mean, look at this candy jar. Let's--Let's, uh, take a look in here. Let's--Let's see what you got here. You got... You got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's... Oh, Freedent. Oh, that's good. Yeah--Yeah, I got a-- I got a sweet tooth, I think I'll have some Freedent. What's this? A cough drop. A Luden's cough drop.

That corner's a bit of a hike for me. I'd rather just come see you at home. What? Where'd you get this kind of money? The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for. It turned a pretty nice profit. I guess it's only fair that I give you my percentage so you can get your house back.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch!

Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is! Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff.

Aah! How dare you! Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert. Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no T.V.?

This is Kevin's first birthday since he came home from Iraq. Why does Kevin always sit at the bus stop but never gets on a bus? Please don't bring that up. Don't bring anything he does up. Hey, you guys. You're right on time. Kevin just woke up screaming from his afternoon nap. Mom, it's my birthday, and you invited your friends.

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean. Oh, boy, we got a problem here. All right, on the count of three. One, two, three! Thanks, guys.

Hey. Looking at you pretty normal, huh? No! Ah, fudge. Wait, I know!

"You made porn," or "You made a porno."

So... You guys like to party? No! Oh, no. Oh, my God, what a couple of squares. Squaresville, I tell ya!

Oh my, Chris, we can see your genitals. Just kidding. Everyone's genitals are hanging out. Really? Wow, this is just like Bible camp. Only I'm not crying and trying to pretend I'm somewhere else.

Oh, Peter! We found a new home! What are you talking about? We're going to Natick! For what? A Twinkee factory that might not even exist anymore? She's right. Besides, this place is paradise. Sure is. Except for Randy Newman. Randy Newman? Yup. Just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh!

Call me Peter. Hey there, fellas. Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers... ...and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind ifl have a seat? I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper?

Wow! What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits?

Pull! Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson? Uh, Which Janet Jackson? Velvet Rope. Yeah, That one. Pull! Peter, What the hell are you doing with that thing? You wanna touch it? Go on. You gotta be careful though.

GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning... but right now, I am exhausted. Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Yeah? Why don't you catch a football, you nerds? Nerds.

I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here. Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work out. Oh.

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller. All right, stand back. This could be dangerous.

(PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!

When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar. Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would.

You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Are you kidding? Of course he'll say no. There's no way he'd ever go out with me. He's just so dreamy. Oh, Kent, what are we gonna do? With the Earth destroyed, we're the only two humans left. Well then, it looks like we need to start repopulating.

Who's in the pharmacy? PETER: John Wayne! What the... Peter, you're not supposed to be in the audience. Get the hell up onstage. All right. Hey there, sir. Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you? Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving.

These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot. This course is in getting laid, not finding love.

Damn it all! Shh! Sorry! Sorry! Hey, Shut up! Keep it down! Look, there's nothing I can do, all right?

Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts. Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed. PETER: Brian, look what I found! Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis!

Hey, Horace, get that wiener out of your hand and give us three more beers over here! (CHUCKLES) Lois, you're always giving me the business. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, I meant to tell you guys. We shot some drug dealer this morning, and he had three Red Sox tickets in his pocket. That's awesome!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Good news! Good news! What, more people I love think I'm an arrogant jerk? You're more than that, Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best new Director." A Woody? I'm up for a Woody? Come on, Call your family. I'll bet they'll be really proud of you. No, I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut peddler. Brian, they're your family.

Ok. I'd put Brad Pitt's face on Brendan Fraser's body with Ben Affleck's butt! My turn! My turn!

And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

Peter, the horse is here. Oh! Yeah.

Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say. You're right.

Terrible, sir. Good, good. You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to.

Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians.

I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson, hospital rules. You have to leave in a wheelchair. (SIGHS)

Too much play We went dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin' across the USA Dancin', dancin', dancin' Across the USA Dancin', dancin'

Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game, and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's googatz. Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. Beautiful! Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."

Meg has a crush on me.

He's the town drunk. Town drunk? Oh, my God. You mean, he's the disgrace of the whole town? You lads aren't from around here, are you? Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS) I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, but I know where it should be.

Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition.

Wow! Inspiring stuff.

Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly Away with you What a woman. To think Canada's got her,

"His name is Sam."

The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power. I answer to the power of Jesus Christ. Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here. I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing. Boy, wouldn't it be great if life were like this?

Run, little rabbit, run. But someday our 2 worlds will be one.

Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris!

(SCREAMING) My mustache! No! God bless you, sir, you saved my life.

(ALL LAUGHING) Didn't I tell you? You can't keep this guy from saying it. Boy, great party, huh, Fred? Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day, and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing.

Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of her retirement after 17 consecutive victories, I hereby dedicate this statue to Quahog's greatest fighter, Lois Griffin!

One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Hi. This is Peter. Don't get scared that you can hear my voice, but you can't see me. This is the story of a great adventure that happened to me and some of my pals. It all began innocently enough, with my stupid wife showing me some dumbass brochure. So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. You and I will have one cabin,

HEy, Were you there when I farted?

Thanks, Dad, I feel better. (LAUGHING) (HUMMING) Off I go on my merry way Life is great and I'm happy with my dad

We sure did, buddy.

Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers. (URGES HORSES)

All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney. Allison Janney? QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here!

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?

What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING) (GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.

So is this it? This doesn't seem very fun. This is the best part, Meg. Now we put on sunglasses and ride with the sun at our side while we listen to a seemingly deep, but actually nonsensical song by The Byrds. (POP SONG PLAYING)

Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication.

Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295. Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick.

Hey, what the hell? What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? You want to go? Go? What are you talking about? I'm talking about go. That's what I'm talking about! First one's on the house! I got things to do.

Hi. Oh, hey, um, I think I might have the wrong address. I'm looking for Mr. Herbert's house. No, you're at the right house. I'm his grandniece, Sandy. Wow, my name is Chris, too.

You're a handsome, kind-hearted young man, and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life. You really think so? Of course I do, sweetheart. Thanks, Mom. Now I'm gonna take the child filter off the computer, and I want you to have a fun night.

Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it!

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing. I know it's different than you're used to. But you'll see it's just as good.

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

You folks got a towel? Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight? Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune? People! People! Stop this craziness! The critic from the Providence Journal is here. If he gives us a good review, the doors are gonna fly open! Now, go get 'em, my little sillybillies!

Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen!

Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you... over at Glamour next Monday... but, sugar, you're gonna need these to stay on top. Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these. I don't need to. Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh?

No, she died. She was taking a tub and somebody came in and cut her head off. Wait a moment. Did... Did you kill her? Well, I held the knife. And her hair. Oh, my God! I've been dreaming about doing that for years, and you've actually gone ahead and done it!

This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

But listen, could you also say goodbye to Carol for me? Goodbye? Where are you going? As of today, I'm stepping down as mayor and leaving Quahog forever. Because of Carol? That's right. I've decided to move to Alaska and become an Eskimo.

Boy, I really appreciate you guys helpin' me out on this. Peter, we're your friends. We're always there for you in your time of need. Especially when you provide the free beer. Uh...

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Alan Adler, David Preslack, Julie Axlerod,

My life. That's what's wrong.

You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing. I mean, bullying makes you feel pretty cool. Yeah. I guess it was kind of cool. You know, I always used to be the nerd getting bullied, but doing it to someone else was pretty sweet. And the more you do it, the sweeter it gets.

But.... But I.... You.... No more TV. Well, how about no more job? You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches? I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun.

Yes I do, Gerardo. This great land should be everything to you that it is to me. A land where a man is paid a wage he can live on. A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck.

(SCREAMS) You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day, I was thinking, "Let's do something we've never done before." Release the virus? No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed. That's a great idea.

Yeah, it was a really tough interview, but I totally nailed it. All right, Meg, we're going to start with a little word association. I'll say a word, and you say whatever comes into your head. - Okay. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Hmm. Bite. - Mosquito. - Ah, yes. Good one. - Uh, mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite.

All right, almost done here, Glenn. There we are, all finished. Ah! Well, look at this. Look what happened. (CHUCKLES) Well, by the laws of comedy, you and I have to be roommates now. That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here we go. Now, I'm going to prescribe a course of antibiotics and some painkillers and...

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy! Hey, What's going on? There's a little girl down in that well. Oh, my God!

And what a sweet ass. Right this way, everyone. Bless you for helping us, Father. It's God's wish, my dear. All right! Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog.

(SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)

Good night, losers.

Oh, My God! Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Oh, well, My boyfriend, Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter.

I did it! I'm going to be on TV! Did you kill the others? - I shan't! (SIGHS) - You must. I'm going to go talk to the statue in the basement. Did you kill the painting? This place is a nuthouse.

Hey, hey, hey, stop it. You women can't dance in here. Well, I know two people who'll take my side on this. The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing. Right, guys? Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it. (GRUMBLING)

Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys. Yeah. Boys. Yay, I helped.

We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim litz? It is you. uh, Which one do you want me to sign? Left or right?

But this girl, she just creates chaos for the sake of chaos. So what are you saying? I'm saying, she's a bad influence on you, and you should stop spending time with her. I shall do no such thing! Penelope is wonderful. We're going to be together forever. Well, Rupert, this is a big mess. What the hell were you doing talking to him?

Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

How are you okay with this? Well, if we make it to the summit, I could pee there, and then it would be mine. 'Cause the rule is, the highest pee wins. Okay, gang, once we arrive in Nepal, we'll get all the supplies we need for the trip up Everest. Okay, but remember, kids, the people there have never seen people before. So when they walk up to you, quickly stuff a dollar bill in their mouth.

All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over.

Yeah! How the hell did you come back to life? Well, gentlemen, sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages. Hey, is this guy somebody? Yeah, that's James Woods! We got a celebrity here! I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! This is a celebrity!

Tonight a special report on the controversial attack on Alderaan. While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade.

Friends until we die Again Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook. Hey, everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards.

Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor." What? What are they honoring you for? Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend. And it's free. Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say. Wait, you're not gonna go, are you?

(SNORING) Come on, you son of a... Oh...me. Brian, would you mind? (GROANS) Yeah, sure. Oh, sorry. I haven't had sex in two weeks. I'm just a little on edge lately.

Yeah, not overly long. Sorry, sir, there's a weight limit on this coaster. Oh, really, what's the limit? The rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, there's just no way.

Nothing. Yes, you were. You were putting something in my drawer. What's this? (SIGHS) Look, Meg, I know you've been having a hard time lately, so I wanted to give you something that means a lot to me. MEG: Oh, I remember this. This was the trip our family took to the Cape. Ugh. It was miserable.

My boy, between the two of us We'll get you on that shorty bus

Maybe it is time for me to get a job. Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview. So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son?

Then you can play with your bath toys, huh? STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that? Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel. STEWIE: Stewart Griffin, explorer, adventurer,

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave. Nice going, Dad.

It's Friday night and I don't have a date. Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book. (CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports. Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid.

This session of the United Nations is hereby convened. Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium guy! Hey, I gotta problem here! Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn. No one's talking to you, Albania. Is there a problem back there? You bet your funny accent there's a problem. I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds.

So you got a tank, big whoop.

All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING)

We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man. MADAME CLAUDE: And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved,

Hi, sweetheart! Ok, so, you want the full wash and, uh, oh, You've got a nick there. I can get that out for you. Now, if you want to go with a scent, I've got P.B. and J., Sugar Cereal, and New Toy.

I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

Oh! God. I miss Peter so much. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here.

Guys, we were freaking electric. Yeah, they loved us. Gentlemen, this is a sign. We are gonna start our own rock band. PETER: Who's with me? MEN: I'm in. Looks like the guys are gonna form a rock band. Maybe they'll learn a little something.

Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss.

I just don't understand. How could Uncle Adam do this?

Well, it was great working with you, Brian. Good luck. What are you talking about? What about us? Oh, stop it. It's just TV. - Hi, Brian. - Michael Eisner? On behalf of ABC, I'd like to give you this parting gift. A bill for the mansion.

Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... blows! Uh...

You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you... lubed up...toothpaste in my...cherry... Episcopalian... extension cord... wetness... with a parking ticket.

We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch.

A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right.

Wow, Thanks! See ya. That was kinda cool.

Anna took a dump on me.

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God! Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was.

Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!

All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat. And that's why you like him so much. He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note.

Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into!

But can you tell me who did? Log on now. (MUSIC PLAYING) All right, let's tally up those responses. Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Melon is?

senior executive of programming here at the network. We are so happy to be working with you. I hope you brought the magic wand you wrote this with. Yep, it's right here. Watch, I'll turn this beautiful princess into a toad. Bing. Ribbit. (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, all right, I can tell this is gonna be a fun process.

Must we make small talk every time we pass? Ooh, You're burning up! Must be a reaction to the shots. I'll go get you some baby aspirin. What the devil are you talking about? You said The shots were supposed to make me healthy! You actually believe Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy? I mean, you were already healthy, right? Oh, God! You're right!

Respect for your fellow man. I can't respect men. Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violencE. My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country!

Here I go, down the slope. Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob. Stop it! Stop applauding him! He's not even using real words anymore! We'll be back with a little girl from Atlanta who skips rope with her sister's pigtails. goo-goo, oodla!

I'm not sure. They seem to think I'm some sort of god. And they seem to think I'm Sum 41. All the small things... That's Blink-182. Sum 41 is the band that married Avril Lavigne. Oh... Huh! Seems like everybody would turn out a loser in that situation. Everybody did.

How does Kevin Costner keep getting work? Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button!

I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my.

You know, the Empire is gonna come looking for these droids. But if they find out who the Jawa sold them to, that could lead them back... Home! Luke, wait, it's too dangerous. Get your fat space ass back here.

PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

Stewie, do you really think you can beat this guy? Trust me, Brian, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. Oh, no, if only I had rockets in my skis.

Coming to show the people how good I look!

Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Well, here we are at the make out point. Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High. They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo! Wow, you're pretty smart.

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream. Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you. They're gonna be sticking needles in you everywhere. You know, Peter, you were right, this is actually kind of a rush. I mean, look at us, we're like Thelma and Louise. Yeah, but we all know that didn't end well for them.

All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper. (GUNSHOT) (ALL SCREAMING) What the hell?

And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent.

- Lois, Lois, do you-- do you have a magnet in your head? - What?

We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.

Almost there. You can do this, Stewie.

We can go to K.I.S.S.-Stock! Hey, yo, LOIS! WhaT?

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING)

This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me.

WhAt? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on!

Thank you, Thank you. Yes, Yes. And what's the deal with airline food? Hey Thanks, "Watches You PeE." HEy, Where's your mother? Over there. I didn't know you knew how to play poker. Yeah. How you doing?

Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles. I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question?

What are we supposed to be doing again? We're looking for Muriel Goldman, honey.

Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the furthest thing from. From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice.

Damn it, Peter, that hurt.

I had a really great time tonight, Brian. Well, is there any reason it has to end? STEWIE: Don't do it, Brian. What the hell? Excuse me for a second. Stewie, have you been hiding in the back all evening?

We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted. - I said swallow it! - (GULPS) Now, smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open. Look at yourself, you filthy whore. (GRUNTS) I don't even want this now.

(RASPING) Okay. Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah. Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie.

Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?

So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

(SCREAMING) It's a boy!

Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit?

Hi. Would you be offended if I told you your prose suggests a male, working-class version of Emily Bronte? No. Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum? Yes. Well, then we are on two different wavelengths. Peter Griffin. Thanks for reading.

(GROWLS) Rupert! Oh, dear God, somebody help! Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury.

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know,

Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

All right, getting a tooth to lure that damn fairy back shouldn't be too difficult. (SNORING) I'd love to dance, Fred Savage. Mmm.

- Ah, come on, baby, it's my birthday. - No.

There we go. Oh, you are so ready. Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman? You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam. Are you saying I asked for this to happen? You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.

Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic? Ok, Joe, you got me. Rise and shine. Come on. Stand and deliver. Get the hell up. You're a hoot, Peter. Play ball! Let's do it! I swear I didn't know. Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen.

Yeah, how about 'em, Evan? They exist. - How about last season, huh? - Yep. How about next season? We'll see. (CHUCKLING) I'm gonna hold you to that. Look, I see what you're trying to do, Lois. And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate. Oh, God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.

Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Superman. Batman and Robin.

What is it, Mr. C?

I mean, i--I just froze up. But you handled that bear like a real man. I'm proud of you, son. You are? 'cause I heard what you said about my huge, you know. Oh. Oh, you--You heard that, huh? Well, i--I was just being stupid. Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing.

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool. Neil. Neil, not so fast.

Good job, Lois. Good job, local hen.

Ah. Peter, How the hell can you afford lobster on your salary? I got a raise. What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold. Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail?

Well, not if I have anything to say about it. A woman of that caliber should be married to a king. Well, what are you gonna do about him? I'm the king, jester. I'm going to have him exiled to the farthest corner of the world. And then she'll be all mine! Why is he such a jerk to everybody? Because he has a very, very small penis. I've seen it, actually,

Maybe if I walk down the hall with a wisecracking rabbi. Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions? No, I just keep the tips. (LAUGHING) All right, where's the CEO's office? I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom.

Hey, everybody! Look who's back to pick up her son. This isn't The Price Is Right. You said we were going to The Price Is Right. Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian?

Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

All right. I'll see what I can do. - Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie. Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just... (BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING)

The position has been filled. The position has been filled. Thank you very much. You can go now.

Good afternoon, everyone. As you know, we of the Christian faith believe that Jesus is not really dead, but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'll get a new cleaners. They're all the same. They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled.

Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

You, uh, don't want to break the law. I can do whatever I want. Watch this. Oh, Now you're just being crazy. Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE.

What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow. Damn these worms. Ow, this itch. Brian, what the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just some Pilates.

I'll change in the car. If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little-- Let's go, Meg.

And after a heated bidding war with Edward Memorial and Reginald Aprilfools, he got his wish. And here comes the parade! First up, a float from the Veterans of Future Wars. And here comes whackadoo film director, Oliver Stone.

But the Gumbel show is sacred to us. Bryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have someday. Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers. Oh, Nice. Just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?

Nah, nah Family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,

Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.

Sure. Now, open your books to page... You know what? Look, I'm sorry. Can I just go ahead and show this video of me doing my wife? Here we are, Brian, safe and sound. - Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair. - Now, now, no arguments, Brian. I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe. I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a...

(EXCLAIMS) (GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

But Dad, I was supposed to build it myself. It's a rule. Ah, Come on. Rules were made to be broken. Aah!

Sweetie, you really gotta... Looks like David Tua. You've really got to stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves.

(PLAYING FIDDLE TUNE) Once we have the uniforms and credentials, Cleveland, Joe and I will board the plane posing as flight attendants. Once we are in the air, we drug the pilots, at which point Quagmire is forced to step in and land the plane safely, making him a hero.

Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What? You busy right now? No, I got a hand free. What's up? Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again? I... Possibly. I mean, in what context? Well, we're trying to make Cleveland see that she's no good and that he can't trust her, and if he catches you guys in the act, then... Okay, oh, no, no, okay. No, I'm... I'm with you now.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

Peter, what the... That's not Scotty! That's Ben!

I'm sorry? (LAUGHING) Zac, just get the hell out of my car!

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Hey! Hey, everybody. Hey." (IN NORMAL VOICE) Ah! What's this one? Who's this guy? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Who am I? "I need a character. I need a backstory. "I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there?

Anus. All right, class. We have a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin... from the North. Wow! What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits?

I can't believe you guys want to have another kid!

Peter, open the door, and break out the schnapps! Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend? Mom? Oh, my God, no! Quick, everyone! Into the pod!

RED: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob. Later, Andy came back with more than two words. I understand you're a man who knows how to get things. I've been known to procure various and sundry items.

All right, this should do for the night. Look, Stewie, now that we have a moment, I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are. Don't worry. I've got that covered. Hey, Lois, would you make an appointment for me to be neutered in two days?

Excuse me. Aren't you Peter, the human stunt bag? That depends on who's asking. I'm a doctor, conducting an experimental procedure... ...to give bones to a jellyfish. I'd like to try it on a human first. Interested? " don't know. Interested? undefinedDid you just say that? Wes. I'll do it! Peter, the operation was a complete success!

Well, how do you feel? I don't know. I don't feel any different. Well, why don't you try insulting me? Yeah, okay. Sometimes you chase helicopters. That's kind of lame. Yeah. Um...

You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

See, you're not really thinking this through. We would still be faced with the problem of the odor, you see. And, of course, then what am I gonna do with no diaper? I'm not gonna walk around here with my Tic Tac hanging out. I need a clean diaper. I told you, we don't have any clean diapers. Well, no, not right now we don't, no.

I--i play, uh--uh, Rory's motorcycle- driving boyfriend. He's a bad boy at heart, you know, but--but there's-- there's some good in there, Olivia. And--and it--It comes through, absolutely. That's really good to hear, Stewie. Please, take care of yourself. See you on the coast!

(KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter.

we may have to give up Christmas altogether. Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News. Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that?

I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture, like some Italian family. My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God! You can talk!

I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? You're cute. Done. As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us.

Oh, no. What happened? (GASPS) That's terrible. Oh, my God, just awful. Well, you give them my best. Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach. Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's.

(GUNSHOT) What the hell?

Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot?

(EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah!

Huh? Hmm. I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen. Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning.

Peter, we're in Asiantown.

(GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No.

I'll get him. Oh, no, Dad, they bring them to you. Well, la-de-da. I don't need my food brought to me. I'm not a broken- down old mule! I can still work! I can still take orders! Oh, hey! hey, dad look! Hey, dad, look! Hey, dad! Dad! You gotta-- Look, uh, look! Aw, crap. That was money well-spent. He just left without saying anything?

Who the hell do you think you are? There you go! Use that anger!

Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now?

f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go! STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it.

Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh!

You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good.

Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young, either. Brian, we should sip Bacardi like it's your birthday. What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!

Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.

Come here! Ah! (GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat?

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking,

Brian, they love it.

Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya! Ahh! Ahh!

On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen

Lois, are you feeling all right? I'm just a little seasick, that's all. STEWIE: Oh, my God! (CHUCKLES) Brian's eating it. Boy, that's a lot of puke, Lois. I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party.

Awesome! All right! Oh! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now!

Oh, my God! Stewie!

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore! I have diabetes!

as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no!

I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this?

Do that Katherine Hepburn impression for me. And--And Philadelphia Story Hepburn. None of that head-on-a-slinky Golden Pond stuff. Wait here at the gate. I gotta run a quick errand.

Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago. Did you get the beans? Lois, I got something better. You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse.

Peter, come help decorate the Christmas tree. One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING)

Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home.

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday!

They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention. (CHUCKLING) It's a bus driver's uniform. Pow, right in the kisser!

Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want.

Waiter! Oh, waiter! Yes, sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order? Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy, and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak. Right away, sir. Peter, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with getting me acting jobs. Tom, who's the agent here? You are. - And who is the actor? - Well, I am. Wait, which one am I, again? The agent.

You can't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dirE. Go on. That's it. What the hell do you see in him?

And another reminder. When you arrive to mass, please do not park behind the rectory. As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land." (ALL LAUGHING) (LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Look out, Gallagher! PETER: Stop kissing ass. Bless you. Have a wonderful day. Thank you, Father.

Not one fish at a time as a reward! All of them! Okay, okay, take it easy. Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy. Now do that thing where you rub my belly! I really like that! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face.

Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"? I say, Janet, do you like this couch?

Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money. "0, Captain! my Captain!" No, you're actually misunderstanding. "0, Captain! my Captain!" Well, if it works for you, I guess.... "0, Captain! my Captain!" What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "0, Captain! my Captain!" In your case, I'd get the money up front.

Yup. Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter. Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

You and I have a problem. Read it and weep. "Doesn't work well with others"? Yes. Mine's no better. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, the phrase "garden variety" appears a number of times.

"Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?" Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me.

(LAUGHING) Hey! Keep it down. It's just two guys making out. Relax. Stewie, go to bed. What, am I expected to put myself to bed? Is no one taking care of me?

What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out.

Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

And if I could you know that I would fly away with you

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.

All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks!

For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

You gotta be sincere (SWOONS) You gotta be sincere

'cause I want your name to be Dick Weiner. Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf-Weiner? Oh, my God, yes. Yes. Yes.

Come on. Keep pushing, kids. We're almost there! I'm feeling nauseous. I think I got altitude sickness. Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle. (GASPS) I can see the top of the mountain. Let's move it!

It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble. (MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere?

(SIGHS) Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.

I hope. Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change. Oh, Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined. Yeah. hey, Where's Stewie?

Looks like we got Imperial Cruisers on our tail. Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone, you are driving.

no! You kNow, a-Actually, I-- I think I'm gonna be ok. Oh, Jack. Now we can get married and everything you promised. Yeah, about that, uh, I was pretty sure I was gonna die, uh, 'cause, actually, th-there's this girl in New York,

oh, That's nasty.

Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing.

I need to spread my legs and fly. (CAR HORN HONKING) Keep the kid. Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter! Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there. You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.

If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer. I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM) Look!

It's taken us all by surprise, Meg.

You know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable. Oh, my God, look! Quick, into the bathroom! We're gonna have to come up with a way to change your appearance. Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears. I'm already standing in urine, and I hate the person I'm with. Now, let's see, there's got to be something in here we can use.

And I expect you never to mention this ugly business again. $10,000? Not enough? Fine. Make it $20,000. How do you spell Kichwa? Yeah, You know what? Screw the Kichwa. Make it out to Peter. P-E-T-E... This just in. Slave-owner descendent, Carter Pewterschmidt, has paid $20,000 or 2,000,000 pennies in reparations to a local black man.

Ahh! Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready. Maybe if you loosen my chains? We tried that. Remember, honey? You can't be trusted. Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat, "I hate you.

What a surprise! Although it's not the first time you've surprised me. Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh. Hey. Hey.

Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love... No, no. Just wipe... Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian! I love you so much! Go... Go roll around in the sandbox...

Peter, where have you been? Let's just say I've been at Cleveland's empty house taking a dump. (GROANING) That's disgusting. I will be taking all of my movements there from now on. All of them! (EXCLAIMING)

do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?

Leia. Luke. Turn the ship around. I know where Luke is. What, are you out of your mind? What about those fighters? I said turn us around! Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is

But I'll always remember you.

There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

I might remember Charmese from a stag party in 1991. Ask her if she remembers getting hit in the forehead with a meatball sandwich. You guys, I can't stay married to her. This whole thing is a complete disaster! In fact, you know what? I got to go down to the courthouse right now and file for divorce. This thing ends now.

I don't believe this! Are you guys insane? We're rich is what we are! Look at all that cash, Brian. He don't get none of that! He wasn't here for it!

Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby. Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin? He died in Iraq. Sad.

And this is Stewie. What the deucE?

I'm going over there! No. I'm gonna go over there and punch her! No! No, no, no, No.

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy.

Just let me close my eyes for a minute. Look, I know his wife is a smoker. Just yesterday, when we saw her at the country club... she had a cigarette in her hand.

Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums, Look out testicles, here I come!

(SLURRING) I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom, Tom and other Tom in our village! Don't talk to mother in like fashion! That's it. The belt is coming off.

So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you.

Sweet! High-five! (GASPS) You're awful. Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us to learn the origin of that joke. PETER: We had no idea how right Cleveland was. And if we had known what lay ahead, we would've stopped right there, and gone straight back to Quahog. But we didn't know. (WHISPERS DRAMATICALLY) We didn't know.

And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife. Well, I hated T.J. Hooker! And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife! Although I was aware of it! Anyway, you're dead! Ha! You're mine now, fella! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Dad! Help!

My house burned down. Oh. Why are you naked? Naked? But everybody's been telling me I'm wearing magnificent robes made from the finest silk.

Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch. Just give it a chance. Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca.

I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you.

A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby. This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this?

Christmas did! Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal as the holiday feeling was filling us

Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.

Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.

Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog!

If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian. Okay.

And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it. I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY)

Meg, eat your salad. We're not having dinner. Then just be quiet.

Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you? Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous...

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah!

(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999.

Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh!

Death. Death to America. What? What? What are you looking at? Do I have-- Do I have something on my face? What? What? Right here? What? Boys, I'm just wearing my regular glasses. I always wear these. MAN: That is crazy. Hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah.

All I know is I want her dead.

Ta-da! (GASPING) Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Well, looks like they killed each other. That's probably what all that racket was about an hour ago. Um, well, I will see you Monday.

Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter. Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

You should, uh, come on by. Oh, We'd love that, Chaim-- I mean Gene, you big rock star. Bye. Ah, Wow! Such a small world. He was a nice boy. And he's still nice. Listen, Lois, uh, what I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world!

Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs!

Well, that's Quagmire. And you know what else? Madame Claude is psychic. She can tell you what you were in a past life. I already know what I was. A strawberry.

Pat? Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends "for spending $150,000 a week "in misappropriated welfare funds" play. I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead. Take them down! Yes, sir.

Well, I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound. My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.

I suck. Hey, maybe we get out of the woods before nightfall, on account of the ghosts and all.

What do you mean you found the Lord? I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my savior. It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. I want to share the word of God with everyone I know,

PETER: Hey, how about this trial, huh? And all its details. Let's discuss them. MAN: He said not to! PETER: Hey, you know how the judge told us not to make up our minds beforehand? Let's make up our minds. MAN: Griffin, shut up!

Meg, sweetheart what's wrong? My life. That's what's wrong.

Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where.

I hope we're not too late. You should not be out here. Bidding is about to start. What the hell? Stewie!

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group,

You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it. Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris. Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut!

Hey! You know who lives in this house? A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony! I say! Look at me!

I can do you guys, too. (IMITATING PETER) Hey, everybody. Oh, hey, Peter. - No, it's still me. - Oh. FEMALE VOICE: Welcome to the inner vault. Penile identification required. Let me handle this. (UNZIPS) (BEEPS)

This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome. Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut. Actually, you know something, Peter, this could be an opportunity for you. What do you mean? Well, Lois's dad is loaded. You could probably get him to pay through the nose to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter.

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit. - You traitor! - That's a doozy. I bet some of those awful kids at school call you zit-face. - No. - Pop-a-zit. - No. - Puspeak. - No. - Fat ass? - Yeah. - That's terrible.

Anyone can have one. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

Oh, my God! We forgot Meg. Don't worry about Meg. She's got everything she needs in her room.

Boy, I'm glad you said it. But this is my house, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me. That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing, Tiffani. Thank you. Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?

Morning, Rush. Hey, thanks again for letting me stay here.

The category is Famous People. Ok, guess who I am. Ironside! Larry Flynt! Stephen Hawking! Uh, Dr. Strangelove! Roy Campanella! Richard Petty! Lance Armstrong! Neil Armstrong! Stretch Armstrong! Stretch Cunningham! Howard Cunningham! Potsie Weber!

I wanna show you something. Teen People? It's the article I wrote about you. You wrote an article about me? They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl. Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"? Yeah, they make the title. Read paragraph three.

Wake up, Leona!

But you owe me later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God. Peter, he heard us call him stupid. His own parents. What have we done? Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth.

I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!

It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin. I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's gonna have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's going to have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and A tiny comb, Mr. Griffin. Congratulations. You've passed the 4th grade, Mr. Griffin.

Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah. Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play?

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this? Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson. Once a man at his physical peak brought down by a cruel twist of fate. Why?

Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit. Yes, I'll have the filet mignon, and they can start the sunset now.

Welcome, citizens. Today we commemorate those brave Quahog soldiers who perished in the recent Gulf conflict. I can think of no greater tribute to their memories than this solid gold statue of Dig 'Em, the Sugar Smacks frog. (CROWD MURMURING) MAN: What is that?

The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat deadbeat loser. Fat deadbeat loser? Well, Sir, While I may not agree with what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it. There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. The port is quite good. Yes, quite good.

Do you have the expressed written consent of A.B.C. Sports and the National Football League? Just A.B.c.

Oh, Gay! You were right, Peter. It was Natalie Wood.

I went to me barber at the shop,

but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks, but you're also my father, and you're the only one I'll ever have, so I'm not going to fire you. Mr. Penisberg, I quit. Penisberg?

- Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test... and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs.

And that's why it's important for you to reconcile your differences.

Thank you. (ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies. I think about you while having sex with my wife. I thank you with $1. That's a lot of money to them. Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy, "Maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys.

Oh, you look beautiful, and he's a handsome fellow, ain't he? PETER: Well, I am ready for my evening. Oh, my God! Peter, what the hell? Peter, what are you doing?

Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut!

"that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." I think that was the Council of Trent. You could not be more wrong. The answer is Phyllis Diller. Peter, you're reading the pink-- My turn. Okay, Peter, this is for the win. "Say the word 'what.'"

I feel terrible about this whole thing. Look, Why don't I just put us up at a nice hotel for a coupla days? Oh, That's a great idea, Brian. It'll be like a little vacation.

I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. To what? To the poison you just drank. See what I mean? This is not normal!

Get us away from that lunatic!

Seriously? Yeah, that'd be awesome! That sounds great! That's a great idea, Lois. Crisscross! Yes, that is a crisscross. Yes! So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House.

I'm sorry, am I being too loud for you? You wanna come over here and quiet me down? - Let's not do this. - Oh, God. Stewie, come on. I'm scared. No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir? You feel strong? You wanna come over here? MAN: No, I want to stay here and have my steak. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What is that, the porterhouse? Yeah. How is it? What do you care? If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it? Yeah, I would.

But I don't want to. All right, then, you asked for it! What, what is that? I found it in my night table. I thought it was a dog whistle,

Peter, we've got to find another school for him. I say, I could home-school him. After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop. Oh! (LAUGHING) So, do you think your school would be right for Chris?

Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party. That was awesome! Yeah. I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me.

you're like a completely different person, and I don't like it one bit. I am expressing myself! Now, get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter. What the hell is his problem? I don't know. He's acting worse than you did when you tried to cover your farts by coughing.

Peter, stop it. Lois, just say hello. You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello. Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

He is your superior. What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it. He bit me! Mr. Griffin, although I may not fully understand Opie's management style...

And one, 2, 3. Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole. Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin. There is no talking penguin in The King and I. There is in "Peter Griffin presents The King and I." What? Now we just gotta think of some wicked funny stuff for him to say.

That's a nice bag of candy you've got. Oh, thank you. You know, it's actually a pillowcase. They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know. Well, now it's ours. Uh, well, no. But how about this? You can have the apple and the raisins and the cheese and crackers with the little red stick. I don't... I don't know how that's candy, but...

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl.

there was some weird stuff going on over there today. Hey, Quagmire. Can I... Hang on a sec. And that's why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees, he may very well be talking about himself. No, Glenn, that's not... Gloria, please. You wanna hear my interpretation, or are you simply gonna tell me that I'm wrong? I'm simply pointing out... Yes, we know. You're very well-read.

Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

(SCREAMING) (PANTING)

What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

Well, I think Chris and Meg should know the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry, too. Kids, did you know the Pewterschmidts were among the first to colonize America? N-n-Now, kids, don't be taken in by The Man. Stay black and proud. Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians.

I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

- One, two. - One, two. You want me to kill myself and you're not going to. - You suck. You suck. - You suck.

All right, Glenn. This exercise should help teach you self-control. Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog. Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens. Old nuns. Really old nuns.

(PANTING) Oh, my God. Brian, look. It's Aspen. We made it. Well, it looks like you're gonna be reunited with Rupert after all.

Listen, your don-ness. I got a little favor to ask you. Go ahead. As you know, I am obligated to grant one favor on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. While you ask me for this one and only favor, I will sit here and enjoy this very fine tiramisu. Aw, Can I have a piece? Peter! Granted. Next.

DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail. DOLPHIN 2: Where? What? Oh! You know I'm just playing with you. Man, you are... Oh, I thought you was talking about other seaweed. You know I got jokes. (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) I'm gonna slap you with my fin.

I didn't have my hands down my pants. Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Doctor, thank goodness you're here. My wife is about to give birth. Oh, my God! What are you doing? This is a manger! Ma'am, you're lying in manure. You're about to give birth into cow crap. You don't really smell it after a while. Oh, God! You're crowning, and there's flies on its head. Ugh! That's regurgitated cud!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Wow! You are such a good dancer. Way to go on that beer bong. Yeah, no fake. No fake. Mom! Hi! What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I've been waiting out here for hours! What? You were supposed to pop inside real quick and find someone who looked enough like me so I could use their I.D.

posters. And I'm in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show. Figured I'd pair him with an effeminate cat. What do you think?

I'll never forget you, Gerardo. Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo, but I'm glad I'm finally an American again. Being an immigrant is a real pain in the ass. I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture. Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

Yes, I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing some initiative. God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat!

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

Yeah, I had a giant mobile put in the sky so I can sleep wherever I want. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) This is nice. I hope that bear comes around soon. That's sort of my... Oh, look, the bear! And it's not just them. Chris has also been developing some very expensive tastes. Model glue, sir?

I just can't help but wonder. Will I ever see him again? (EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS)

Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now. Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub, what will you miss most? You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go.

Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game...

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Goodbye, Lion. Goodbye, Dorothy. I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say. Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad I risked my life and everything. Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that?

Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night? All right, tonight's selection, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Now let's all sit down and take our headache. Or we could watch The Cove. The Cove? Isn't that that horrible documentary where they kill all the fish?

God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

Some might say you're my savior. (CHUCKLING) Me and Jesus Come and hug and squeeze us 'Cause you know That he's a simply Christ-terrific dude

Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself. (SNIPPING) You look like garbage. What happened?

I've been dreaming about doing that for years, and you've actually gone ahead and done it! Penelope, I've never said this to anyone before, but I feel like I may have finally found, in you, my one true soul mate. Do you feel this way, too? I do, Stewart.

Go on, buds drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free

so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da! (GASPING) Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, God.

Everything looks okay out here Maybe I'll take a walk outside To the D chord I'm walking around outside Look at all the stuff out here And then we go to an A minor Getting a little cloudy out here Looking like we might have some weather

People are gonna think you're crazy. Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than what was called for, but that's what happens when you challenge someone's faith. Oh, Peter, I know this is important to you, but I don't wanna see you humiliated. I don't think anyone's gonna wanna worship the Fonz.

Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps. (SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.

Oh, brother. How am I gonna survive junior high school with this screwed-up family? And me, in the middle of it all. A bunch of brothers living together? What a way to run a railroad. Well, Rita, I'm so glad you could join us for dinner.

Fine, fine, just put the newspaper down. Hey, Lois, look at this. The church is holding auditions for a new organist. Really? Wow. You know, that sounds like it could be a lot of fun. Yeah, it's been a while since you've had the chance to play in public.

You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

Got your mail. So, how's it going? I tell you, Stewie, it's going great. And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent. I'll be lucky if I can make it to the end of the month. Sounds like you need a roommate. Where did you get that kind of money? I picked up Chris's paper route.

(SNEEZING) You did this to me!

Uh-oh! (GRUNTS) Oh, no. Oh, no. Hey! Hey! Help! Help! Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there?

Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam. What a rip-off. It's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style. Boy, they've got some very unusual prizes at the carnival this year. A winner! Congratulations, son. You've won a genuine, live homosexual.

(SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire? Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up,

Come on. Discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?

What are you talking about? Fred Savage? Wait a minute! You're Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore? Yes, I am. They're both characters I created. But, why? Well, after The Wonder Years, I was hungry to do more acting but the pickings were slim. So I came up with this scheme to satisfy my need to perform,

But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit.

Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.

is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone. Is that what you really want, Lois? Yes, it is. Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her.

(GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries.

Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock

Yup. Yup. Yup. Mmm-hmm. Hope the loo is working. Ah, This sucks. Nice choice for a hangout, Peter. There's not even anywhere to sit down! Is that some kinda crack? What do you mean Crack? Are you saying I got a fat ass?

My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? Wes. They must really want to keep her. Your second wish? I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Oh, my God. You're 40?

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois, I'm a worker, I make stuff on things. Oh, I'll file these later. Oh, I got a phone. Nope, that's it. Jeez, Lois, I thought having you here was going to be fun, but so far you are a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington. Oh, man, this is the best party I have ever been to.

Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. Stewie, shut up.

Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some. Oh, thank you, Brian. That'd be nice. Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask.

Yes. Yes, it is. From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion. But abortion helps me get my homework done. And sometimes I abort in my sleep! What am I supposed to do about that? Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law,

No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen.

Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.

It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Griffin. Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? I'm gonna go work out. Again? That's, like, the eighth time today. I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin. Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man.

Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan!

Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food. Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

Oh, God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.

(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake. High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame.

Coffee for Brent. (CHUCKLING) Latte for Cecil. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank. Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. (INHALING) Hey!

Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing. (CHUCKLING) Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it, it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Come here, let me just hold you for a while.

We're not gonna die?

I mean, look at that dog over there. You think he wants to be tied to that chair waiting in the hot sun while his owner gets ice cream? Hell, no! I am gonna make people see that an animal's life is just as important as a human's! Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life.

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka It doesn't keep me up at night, but it helps me poo.

BONNIE: And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated. They didn't think I was far enough, but I was like, "I can tell you I'm far enough." LOIS: And that's when Chris was born. Gosh, that's all so fascinating. Let me ask you something else. Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about?

Somebody's stealing my water!

So tell the truth. Have you brought other women up here before? - Honestly? Two. - Really? Yeah, I brought the ashes of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Nicholson, and spread them across the lake, per her last request. Ah. The other was some skag I met on a dock four miles from here. - What? - (MIMICS BUZZER)

Damone, are you there? Damone? (GROANS) I'm really kind of busy. Come on, just do me this one favor. All right, but you owe me for this one. Oh, thanks, Damone. And that was the last we ever saw of him.

But it's not like it's the first time you made a big family decision without consulting me. (WHISPERING) Yes, I'd like to see your quietest doctor.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best. Well, look who finally got here. (STAMMERING) You beat us? Don't feel too bad, gang.

This is ridiculous. Evil Stewie could be anywhere. You know, this really is all your fault. If you hadn't told me I was going soft, I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

LOIS: Well, there it is. Carrot Top Manor.

Lois, why the hell do we have to take a stupid C.P.R. class? Because, Peter, none of us knew what to do when Joe was drowning. Now, be quiet and pay attention. Hi, there. I'd like to welcome you all to C.P.R. I see a lot of smiles here in this room. There's one.

Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything? Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here.

You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex? Chuck, it's me, Morty. Yeah, 'cause we could... What? Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel?

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye

(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS) I wonder... Ah-ha!

but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here! Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy.

Here we come, here we go We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out

No, no, I need it. I need it. Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from. Peter, you did it.

Ah! The finer things.

(RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

We went to Barney's. I heard that's where all the famous people shop for skinny-leg jeans. Whoa! These are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on! Brian, Frank, meet Dakota and New Bedford. Hey, how's it hanging, Dakota?

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab.

Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow. Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it! You're not uncomfortable, are you? Look, I'm just not wild about the idea of running into anybody you used to date, that's all. Oh, boy, speaking of exes, here comes one now.

a better-funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead".

I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH? Oh, no. I don't want to bE A boTher.

You know you made me love you I love you.

Look, Stewie. Don't you think at some point you're going to have to let Rupert go? I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear. Brian, I'm one. Still? What? Look, I'm not going to Colorado. I'm turning around and going home. Fine, then. I'll go by myself. See you from the back of my milk carton.

Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear. Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their A squad. I actually saw bullet wounds. You can't just take him places you want to go. He's a baby. Look, Lois, I think I know how to spend time with my own kid, all right?

Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

Hi, Peter! Hi, Scott! Guess what? I have a welcome home surprise for you. (GASPS) Dish, dish, dish. Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way?

then I'm telling you you can kiss your life good-bye Yeah, when you use toad it'll mess you up It'll make your mama cry, that's no lie You'll choke on your tongue and die

If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

- We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal.

Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch.

(SNAPS) (POPPING) (HORN BLOWS) (YELPS) (GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING) Oh! I love this song!

Honey, would you look at all these kikes.

Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh? Ah! Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute.

Frank, there you are. Mia Farrow? What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? Oh, leave me alone. Get over here, young man.

(WHIRRING) (ALL MURMURING) It's them! I did it! The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I? What's going on? Greetings, everyone. My name is Stewie Griffin. I've transported you all here against your will.

Well, I asked her out, and now we are dating. Lindsey, this is my mom, my little brother Stewie and my dog Brian. Hey. Oh, my God. My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous!

What is this? This is a weird gun. Yeah. Don't touch that. Oh, it's a flare gun. Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger? (BOTH SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GEESE HONKING) (DRIVERS SCREAMING)

Yeah, be good till we get back, and, Brian, stay out of the cat box. Stay out of the cat box. Bye, you guys. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen.

I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat.

No, I'd like to talk to you, too. It's just that-- Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland. I don't feel obligated. I want to. You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell.

That stripper has a rash on her ass just like Anna Lee used to get. Yeah. And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap just like Anna Lee used to do. I guess. And that stripper only has one tooth, just like Anna Lee. Quagmire, you feeling okay? I don't know.

Good night, everyone.

Go sit in the car and agree with yourself while you listen to NPR. I don't know what the big deal is. I stopped for one drink after work. Yes, but it's every night.

All this stuff in here is mine now. Oh. Well, okay, but be careful opening the closet,

Everybody ready to go? All set, Peter. Good. Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America ALL: The spirit of what's old and what's new

Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled?

You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!

Why would the cops arrest us instead of going after Briggs? Flannigan? Wait a minute. That's one of the corrupt cops who helped harbor Briggs while he was on the lam for 15 years. These guys are bad news.

That's you. Nerd. Look, everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have sex with him, you're a huge bitch. We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl.

Oh, It's fun to watch rich people be naughty! Peter, listen to me. My sister just called. Her baby's due any day now, and Ted just walked out on her. Whoa, whoa! Back it up. Back it up. You have a sister? I promised her I'd be on the next train. Poor Carol. All alone in that big house. Wait a minute. Carol, Carol... Is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table?

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

his mouth is hanging open? Well, actually, Diddy hired a guy to close his mouth for him. I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

All right, everybody. This is a... Hey, where the hell is everybody? Oh, we haven't had a paying customer in months. Nobody rides the train anymore. Oh, well, for God's sake! Uh, are... Are you robbers? Yeah. Well, you could, you could take my wallet. My MasterCard's in there. Although, to be honest,

And just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance.

all manner of miracles are possible. Look, I'm a churchgoer, too, but sometimes prayer isn't enough. He needs professional medical care. You know, Lois, this couch would be perfect for one of your red wine pass-outs. Look, we appreciate your concern, Lois, but Scotty is our son, and we have to tend to him as we see fit.

I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money. But I'll find the culprits if it costs me $1 million.

Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR. "I'm so stressed.

(HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done Quiet, everybody, this is it.

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, but I'm not driving you to the North Pole. Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU. Now, I think we should go down there to support him. What? Yeah, apparently, something happened at the mall, and she took a turn for the worse. They don't know how much time she has left.

Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share! Uh, I'm not really sure what to do here. Boy! You've put on weight, Jackie Chan. Oh, my God!

I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting.

Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me. This is nice, Joe.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

I don't like fancy learnin' books I don't like apple tarts I don't like cozy breakfast nooks I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts, wet farts

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING)

It's good to finally be off duty. Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire. Yeah, this is the Air Force graveyard, where old military planes come to die. That one over there is my favorite. It's an old Japanese Zero.

Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02 All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.

Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson.

Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

It's about damn time! No words... sh-Should have sent a poet.

(YAWNS) You should look her up. Am I boring you? No, it's just... Long day.

Well, ok. Maybe just one sip. Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol? Mister, you're in serious trouble. He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse.

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

Done! Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool. Can I try some Red Bull?

I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time? (STUTTERING) Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.

Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh!

(GASPING) You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

Well, We'll have to do something about that.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car!

Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that.

Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm.

I just need to know if he has any shortcomings.

that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy

Who's gonna take me to the Father-Son dance? Listen, I've had a good life. And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family. I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60.

Get back in here and love me!

Have you been drinking? Why, yes I have. Thank you. I got to find one of those silver scrolls. Everyone's looking for them. All right. Listen to me, you long-neck bastard! You give me the scroll, and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcakE.

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table.

Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas!

So, you having a good time there, Chief Diamond Phillips? Oh, that's funny. He came up with the same thing that... All right, Carrot Top, I want that skull. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin, and that skull belongs to me. Well, it's hardly just a skull, Mr. Griffin.

Engage! Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system. Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter. There you are. I can't turn my back on you for a second. Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device. And when I do, Mother, victory shall be--

You'll be the laughingstock of me. I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West. Good, because I'm incredibly crafty. Hey, what's that on the ceiling? (LAUGHING) Now I'm over here. Look, t-this has gotten out of hand, I know.

It's no reason to give up on your sex life. I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at...

Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff.

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip...

But what I need now is a diversion. Let's see. Mmm. "Jingle keys."

QUAGMIRE: Oh, yuck! What do you say we go into the bedroom? Yeah, sure. QUAGMIRE: Oh, she's so ugly! I don't want to get in that. Peter, I'm not gonna do it. Deal's off. Deal's off. No, it isn't! QUAGMIRE: Yes, it is. I'm gonna spread my legs, and yours will pop through. You better not. I am. I'm re-jiggering my position right now.

Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. Let's give you a nice, tweedlie little mustache here. And maybe a big, old dumb-guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?" Look who's got pimples.

Come on, you guys. No time to lose! Ahh! Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. ahh! Ahh! Ahh! How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze?

My black son, my black son Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it.

Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

And, Consuela, he... Actually, I can't read his handwriting here. What happened? One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face.

That's right, Tom. A ferry carrying a shipment of brand-new Mercedes-Benzes from Germany crashed and sank just a few miles off our coast. Thus far, the cars remain on the ocean floor as the Germans refuse to clean up the disaster. The German Environmental Minister called a press conference to issue the following statement. I see nothing! I know nothing!

I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No! Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT.

How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual. Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

What's up, New Bedford? You look like rappers, but you're not black, so that's the perfect amount of danger.

Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover.

They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. Our original name was Bermuda Grass. Peter, being here with your wonderful family, your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog, well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development.

Dad? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Hillary? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're in college? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're my new college roommate? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We're gonna be living together? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In the same dorm? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) For the whole year?

"E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17.

Yeah, I drew you a crude flip book to explain what's happening. Okay, I got a little off track there, but they went to his cabin. Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin. He calls it his "sex cabin." No, he doesn't. He calls it "The Stuffet Inn."

I mean, I think we should do what he says. Well, yeah, but, Brian... I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!

Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks.

What the hell is this? It's a boy! Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true.

We'll have more on these new developments after this.

Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh? More like T.P. Party. Toilet paper. I don't know what happened, Brian. Not having a government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we seem to have botched it all up. - Looks that way. - Wait a minute.

How long is this gonna last? No idea.

Everyone leave. I have to poop.

Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left

(GLASS SHATTERING) Hey.

deprogram the hardwired safety overrides, and reconfigure the motherboard so that the missile's primary central-processing unit tells itself to eject its own warhead while still safely above the Earth's atmosphere. Hey, Dan, when this is all over, you may get a call asking you to evaluate my performance. Can I count on you to give me a 10? And that should do it.

Ah! That was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that. Oh, my God! (BOTH GASP) Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ew! No, no, this is my sister. Ew! No, no, no, I'm impotent. Ew! I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself. Ew!

I got another one of those relationship tapes. $49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE. Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. I--I mean, nickels and boobs. Money. I'll be upstairS.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk."

At that time, our value meal consisted of a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a Lucky Strike. Wow. How much did all that cost?

Yes. The team I like is kicking it. Oh, no. The team I don't like is kicking it. Yes. The team I like is kicking it again. I will celebrate with finger cymbals. (CLANGING) Hey, is that for real, that "Diarrhea Only" sign on your bathroom?

Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit.

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

- Hello? - Hi, Mom. - Chris, are you all right? - Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay! - Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time.

It's time to call this whole thing off! Nobody's on our side! Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm--I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party.

Oh, boy, I can't wait to win a free dirt bike! EMCEE: And all you have to do is pay the sales tax. Who needs a stupid dirt bike! Okay, everyone who wants to win this dirt bike,

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

(PETER FARTS) (BOTH LAUGH) PETER: All right, let's get out of here. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR CLOSES) I want you. I want you, too. Come on. I have a little place we can go to. NORA: Wow, I've never seen a sofa in a bathroom stall before. JOE: Well, I'm the only one who comes in here, so I figured I'd make it my own. How are you enjoying your steak?

Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco!

Hello? Over here. Thank you for meeting us here.

Oh, my God. Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways. Thank you. (ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies. I think about you while having sex with my wife. I thank you with $1. That's a lot of money to them.

Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off. Someday, I'm gonna buy my moms a place with a view like this. (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success. Please Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins. Oh, No, I learned my lesson. Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry!

Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it. This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face.

What does it say, Peter? Just something about perseverance. What does yours say? It says I'm very creative. Oh, by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV,

And sayeth he, "Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle, "though I suffereth from temporary blindness. "And yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downey, "the only negro in the state of Wisconsin." Amen. CONGREGATION: Amen.

Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need. Well, Have a good time. All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox.

You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Mr. G. How's it going? Quagmire, what are you doing here? Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys. Me and Glenn are going out. What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis! Okay, you two have fun on your date. What? Drive carefully. We'll see you later.

Well, well, what do we got here? Let's beat him up, but not because of his color, 'cause that doesn't matter to us.

Okay. (HUMMING TUNE) Lost in Space.

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, keep your eye on the sky for the aerial acrobatics of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

Laugh and cry He's a family guy MAN ON TV: And now back to Romancing the Stone. The only way they're not going to kill my sister is if we give them the stone. Well, they're going to be looking everywhere.

Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois?

Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, Joe. God, I thought I was in trouble for a minute. Hey, toots, you know why I pulled you over? You were going too sexy in a 35 zone. I'll need to see your driver's license. What? Joe, what the hell's wrong with you? It's me, Quagmire. JOE: Glenda Vajmire.

let's ceLebrate

Hold it, Meg. Those 2 are mine. What? That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo! hold onto your sides. Nice to meet you both. Murderer!

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

Oh, Boy! That was lucky about the car, huh? Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman! Spectacular performance, maggot! How'd you like to come on the road with us as our lead jouster? Thanks, but no thanks, Coach. I've lived my dream. And besides, my life is here with my family.

HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

That's amazing! Oh, Thanks.

What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead! Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

- No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat?

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money. Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family.

Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils.

Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there's only one guy to blame Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

(BLOWING) (BREAKS SQUEAKING) This is my school. Yeah, isn't that where you wanted to go? Well, yeah, but most times people just drop me off a block away,

And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then, son, You know... Oh, my God!

Well, who knows? Women are complex creatures, Brian. Maybe she just needs to be reminded how much she misses you. And I know exactly how to do that, Brian. She needs to see you on the arm of a beautiful woman. (ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)

(SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

Oh, no! Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe! She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award.

Ahh! You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber! And you! I just plain don't like you!

Why, you're no better than what you made me out to be.

No, I'm Meg Griffin.

What do you say to that, broccoli? Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine. Guess what, Mom?

so when you get the ball, throw it like a cannon.

Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island. Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know.

Wow! You're cooler than a York Peppermint Pattie. When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being on a frozen mountaintop! It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie,

Peter, it's me, Quagmire. This is what I do. Besides, Meg is 18 now, and you've gotta let go. You've done your job. It's my turn now. Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this. I want to help you, Peter, I really do, but it's like you're asking a fish not to swim. She's legal and I'm going in.

Uh-oh. FiRe! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry. I'll put it out. ahh!

That was a very productive first day, Brian. Our goal here is to find your X-factor, the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place.. Well, just-- just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders.

You want me to drag my sack across your face? What? (STUTTERING) I'm sorry, it's... When one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I cheer... Listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm not very good in these types of situations.

So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet.

All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them!

(PHONE RINGING) Hello. Oh, hey, Jillian. What's up? Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight? What time does it start? 10:00 Eastern and specific time. What? What did you say? Specific time?

I'll teach the boy. Come, my son. I'll show you the ways of the herd. Aw, Crap! Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over your head? Peter, what's wrong?

Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.

We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops. Hey, It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner. But Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." Hey, How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? How about that?

He's a family guy Splendid. That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of course.

I mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction. Who, I ask you. Who? Hello.

I hate Lois, too. What--What else do you hate? People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards!

Hey, There's a lot of good looking people here. Of course. This is the quahog Beautiful People's Club. And, You're our newest member. Here's your introductory basket. It's got some scented lotions, Ferrari sunglasses, and of course, some pills to make your bowel movements smell like bakery-fresh cinnamon rolls.

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face. There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on?

(SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me! Well, Brian, you've lost your bet.

JOE: Who is this? How are you getting this information? (SNIFFING) Oh, my God, Joe was here. Yeah, he just left. I know. I can feel him. I can smell him. Mmm! I can taste him.

Why do we have to get me a suit here? Well, since you keep ruining them, I'm not going to buy you a brand-new one. Yes, I'll take this teddy bear, this ruler, this piece of string and this cardboard box. (GROANS)

You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

Oh, it sure was nice of you to invite us out on your yacht, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

And my back! My back, yes! (GROANS)

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop! Lois, what are you doing here?

No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling? Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so! Oh, my. What a lovely room. Oh, And it's so clean. Well, I think the ultraviolet scanning light will be the judge of that.

Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? I think They had a meeting about it last night. Why wasn't I told? Well, They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so y-you didn't, uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

There'll be blood gushing from you every time that you cough And forget gettin' lucky It falls off

See, this isn't so bad. Not so bad? We're sharing a tool shed with seven other families. (BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) (LAUGHING) They're making the best of it.

The whore gets her stubby fingers... He puts cigars in his mouth... ...in my wallet! Larceny! ...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way.

BOTH: It's old man Barney Frank! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Republicans.

For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home! Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head! HEy, Shut up! Honey, would you like some pancakes? Oh, yes! God, yes! Take me!

Doo-bee-doo-wah

Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.

Was this a cartoon? No... Oh, my God! No! No! It took place in an airport! The thing was on for 10 years! And the funny repair guy was Lowell. It made Tony Shalhoub's career! - Who? - The tennis player? You know what, screw you guys. I don't even know you. Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings.

Besides, if I listened to you guys, I never would've got that job as a seat filler for fetuses. Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we? Hi. He'll be right back. He's in the bathroom. Thanks for having me, Bonnie. I just needed someone to talk to.

What the-- AHh! Hello, little sea monkeys. He's back. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. Steve, do something. Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle.

Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper.

(BARKING) (WHISTLING) (BARKING)

What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next?

Would you relax? We're right here. I'm next. Hello, Santa. Now, we've got a slight problem here, because I have been rather naughty. But you're a businessman, I'm a businessman. I'm sure we can work something out.

Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything. Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004. That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11. (SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?

I wonder what they're all so surprised about. What? You've never seen a handicapped man before? They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe. They're not capable of judgment. And even if they were, who cares? They're whores.

My heart still belongs to Griffin Peterson,

What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.

Have fun where you're going.

Happy fucking birthday, Mikey!

Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good. Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right? Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I can't believe I actually touched him.

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe. You don't seem very excited.

Yeah, like--like we could get her drunk and take turns havin' sex with her. - How would that help me? - Oh, help you? Oh, oh, Yeah, yeah. Then, no. No, then, that--that wouldn't help you. Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean.

Well, maybe I could talk to Carl and get you a job here. You could do that? Absolutely. Carl totally trusts me. You and I will be the best brother-sister team since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. I'm more off-putting. No, I'm more off-putting. I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. Well, I'm a bigger box office drag.

when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related. Anyway, I thought him sharing that beer with me was the coolest thing ever.

Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God!

Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT? Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist. It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si.

"Very nice people." Yeah, that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and bam! Skeleton city! Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.

Hey, Quagmire, uh, you ever been to Atlantic City before? Once, about 20 years ago. Why? All right! All right! All right! All right!

Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato?

That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me. All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD)

You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back. Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right.

Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here!

I am so mad I can't see straight.

All right. Let's do it!

Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you.

I just wanted to spend some time with you. What the hell? It took you three hours to break up with her? - Not exactly. - Well, what were you doing in there? (SNIFFS) What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame. Yup.

Ho-ho! Eggs. Who came first, the chicken or the porn star? Ho-ho! The Porn Identity. Who am I? Oh, yeah, the pizza man.

(CRYING) Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now.

Wait, wait, hang on a second. Are you saying there's more to being Mexican than working hard and lusting after big asses?

Keep the change. Road House. (SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes!

When's the beating gonna come, Brian? Just tell me when it's gonna come! Just do something, anything! Look, look, I'll do it. I'll do it first. Look, I'll do it even worse. Look how hurt I am. We're even now!

You're scared! Scared? Of what? Of me! Look at these people, giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums! If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything. I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman?

GOD: Shut up! (KNOCK AT DOOR) (GASPS) Intruders! Stewie, you in there? You think he's here? God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here.

I wrote that! You stole this from me.

Can we live with that? I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it.

Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going. Hi, guys. Uh, hey! How's it going? Jeez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me. It's like I'm a freakin' leper. Hey, can we sit there? No, these are saved.

Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me! Yeah, but I got you good, Lois.

Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall! I'm on it, Meg. Have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the... Then top it off with A... And if there's time before commercial, be ready with a... Oh, my God! You don't care about him at all, do you? All you care about are your stupid ratings!

What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat.

Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain.

"Dear Reek Publishing, "I was highly disappointed by your erotic novel. "Here's what I would have wrote. "'It was past midnight when the blonde, smoking-hot lab assistant, "'who looked a little like Heather Locklear, only with bigger jugs, "'was grabbed and thrown onto the lab table.

Hello, beans, goodbye, spray We'd take a bullet just for you oh, What a coincidence. I've got one. Stewie! Prepare to suck that golden teat

Whoops. "Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me.

This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter. Aw, You deserve it, my beautiful princess. You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat.

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy I have no friends, and it's all because of this stupid purse! What did you do to my daughter? I swear to God, if you touched her-- Peter! Honey, what happened? Well,

I am not worthy. Rise, my son. You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation of God's great love within us all. Wow! And that's from the freakin' Pope! So I guess you were wrong about me, Dad. I was wrong all right. Stand by, boys.

I never wanted to call her Meg. I wanted to call her Twiki. But Lois said kids these days wouldn't get the reference. You know who I'm talking about, right? Biddy, Biddy, Biddy. Uh, I'm not quite sure you're Brown material.

Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.

"Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're grrreat!" Bastard.

Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back. You got fired for racist drawings. I guess. Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle. I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.

(MOCK CRYING) I'm sad about stuff! (MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Wait a minute. I'm not allowed to have steak? Well, no. Steak is made by killing cattle. No medical research? But how are we supposed to find cures for disease? Well, there are many more promising research methods for curing disease than animal testing. Name one. I want a hamburger. I have a sudden craving for quail.

Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket! David Schwimmer? Yeah, hey. What are you gonna ask the don for? World peace. Number 34! 3-4! Right here! Peter, my good friend.

Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown. No problem, Meg. If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it. Oh, my God. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool.

Hey--hey! Ow! Knock it off! H-hey! Get away from me, you dead crooner!

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy. Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.

Whoa! This is trippy.

Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward! Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?

(GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Should we help him? Eh. (MUFFLED) I think... I think... I think...

(PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Oh, God! I... I think I feel them moving.

Dylan is gonna be staying with us for a while. Dylan, it's so nice to meet you. Shut up, bitch! Oh! He got you, Lois. No, no, no! Tracy can't do this. She can't just leave him here. Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family. I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep? He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would you like that, sweetie?

Hi, my name's Peter.

Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!

Aw, Thanks for everything, buddy. Wait, Mr. Weinstein, I thought you were gonna help me with my homework. I'm sorry, son. I have to go. But I'm sure you'll do just fine. I don't know, Max. the kid's not exactly an honor roll student. Watch. Hey! He did it. See?

All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them! Peter, what are you doing? Just--Just stall them, Lois! hA! Ha! Got ya!

I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer. Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen. Who do you think you're talking to?

KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom. ...1940s roller skate left in the hall. ...death by chocolate... No, no, leave it in.

You're more of an outdoor dog. What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this? Brian, guess what?

You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.

Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized. All right, look, Dad, I don't want you to hate me, all right? So I'll make a deal with you. If we get Stewie baptized, you and all other old people have to acknowledge and be aware that there's crap in the corners of your mouth. I'll think about it. Now let's go. Old people are gross, no matter how cute they try to make them look

Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING) Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy. Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than what was called for, but that's what happens when you challenge someone's faith.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

It's clearly some kind of scam.

(SIGHS) Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg. I feel the warm, healing, liquid presence of God's genuine, cold-filtered grace. It was my pleasure, Brian. And now we get to do the work of the Lord. Come on. What? What are we doing? God's will, Brian.

See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

You there, child woman! I'll give you a shiny new dime if you'll roll me into the nearest lake. Let me see if I can find you a juice box, K?

Ok, disability claim.

D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.

I think he went that way, past the Reflecting Pool! Damn! He's nowhere in sight. I'll ask these fellas. Maybe they've seen him. Excuse me, have you seen... Hold on a second. I'm trying... Hold on a sec. Hey, pal, stop talking while I'm talking, all right? You want a sandwich full of knuckles? Do you? All right, that's it. Cleveland, you take Cleveland.

Uh, I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker. Hey-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah hey-yah, hey I'm so happy doing the neutron dance hey-yah, hey-yah, hey I'm just burning doing the neutron dance And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together.

We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage. Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!

Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked.

you know. Oh. Oh, you--You heard that, huh? Well, i--I was just being stupid. Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing. I mean, Every guy you see with a big house or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth is really just saying, "Don't look at my penis." But you'll never have to worry about that.

(SIGHS) Let's see. Who's in this thing? Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody. Victor Garber? That's pretty good. How did he get Victor... Oh, of course. Tonight it's Randall Evan Battincourt. God, I hate understudies. King Louis XVI has been sentenced to death by guillotine.

"I won't let you walk out of here without that dress." "I don't know. Will I ever wear it?" "Yes, you will. You've got that thing for the opening of the library next week. "It's perfect for that." "Hey, everybody." "Oh! Look. It's black Barbie. "Why are you all alone?" "Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend. "Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut."

Yellow cake uranium Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?

Where's my money? Where's my money?

Well, I guess I better get busy. Ahh!

I like how all the food and drink is included in the price of the ticket. Yeah, that way you don't have to bring your cash down from the room. Okay, I was just looking for a friend of mine, so maybe I'll see you later. Good for you, Janine. You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody, and you did it.

Hey. What are you doing here, dork? Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red?

Careful, Peter. That's an old family photo. My mother gave it to me. Huh, that's weird. I didn't know you had a brother. I don't. I mean, I don't think so.

All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy.

Oh no, Peter, how could they do that? Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane,

Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!"

I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that. Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter? Did we not have money for the Petercopter? Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron? Whatever. I want you to meet Consuela.

You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs. Suddenly

assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium. Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down.

Sorry I'm late. Can I still apply for the job?

Hey, baby, want some Adam West penis?

lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.

"David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah.

CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him.

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name?

(WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?

This is the time of the month when Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo. Loretta likes to personify her menses in humorous ways. Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping? Sorry, bud, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, y-you see where I'm going with this.

Huh. Hard to believe your marriage isn't working out. A rose for the gentleman? What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense?

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no! oh, Joe,

Oh, God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else.

All right, men. This is Harry the Homosexual. Say hi to everyone, Harry. Hi, fellas. I sure do love being gay.

We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics,

(IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest... (COUGHS) (SCREECHES)

Must we make small talk every time we pass? Ooh, You're burning up! Must be a reaction to the shots. I'll go get you some baby aspirin. What the devil are you talking about? You said The shots were supposed to make me healthy!

Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar. And there's a naked priest sitting there. And he... Oh, sorry, Father. No, I've heard them all. Oh, Look at the time. I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her. Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do.

Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

Giggity. Oh, I say that.

'Cause you know That he's a simply Christ-terrific dude His eyes are bluish Bright and I love you-ish And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude Peter, my boy

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times. Hey, uh, Hey, Leif. It's been a while. Too long, man.

(BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging."

(SCREAMING) (SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me.

Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam.

You know, because it was so itchy. Heh. Come on, Stewie. Don't you want to pee in a toilet bowl like a big boy? I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it!

I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark. West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret

It was awful. That kid was a complete thug.

Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

Pick up your trash! I want to know whose cup this is. I said I want to know whose cup this is! Pick it up!

Are we really buying fish at the same place we buy tires? And, what... "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player? Stewie, this sweatshirt is so sophisticated. Look, it says "New York." People will think I'm from there.

Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started.

I guess we could all adjust to this. Look! I'm making an angel! See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. Now, smile while I write my name in you.

My heavens, son! Are you ok? Yeah. I just got bounced by the Pope's road crew. good thing you missed me. I'm set to drive the Popemobile. Any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours. I always wake up feeling fine, but it's just so darn inconvenient to be knocked out that easily.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird. Take care, you two. May the Force be with you. CHEWBACCA: There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man.

- Well, we should probably head home. - Definitely. Um, the only thing is, I'm a little short. Is there any chance you could cover me for the ticket? Let me see how much I have. Good news! I have just enough.

(STRAINING) All right, you're kind of heavy, so, we're going to pee on you. (UNZIPPING) Not happening. All right, all right, we'll just spit on you. (SIGHS) Nothing we have works.

Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir! Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but... Mother, Peter's an excellent provider.

What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18. And as a bonus, I'm going to identify when it's Shatner, and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins. Let's watch. That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner. That's Lubbins. That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. Now, That's Shatner.

I love my wife more than anything in the world. Can you please shoot me instead of her? Such tenderness and love on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. Why don't I just call off the hit? Oh. Yeah, That could work. Wait! We're a team. Is that ok with you? Because your opinion matters, too. Yes! Let's get the hell out of here!

Meg, I need you to baby-sit Stewie tomorrow afternoon. Mom, you know I go to the mall on Saturdays. I mean, I do have a life.

then maybe we shouldn't be married after all. What... What are you saying? I'm saying, I'll give you your divorce. You're off the hook. Oh! Oh, thank you, Charmese. Thank you so much. (STAMMERS) I can't believe you'd do that for me. Well, it's for me, too. You were real nice to me, Glenn,

can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING)

I don't care. Good for you. Good for you.

I got scared when the door closed.

Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my!

Actually, I have a brother. Gary Quagmire. Oh. I think you've got a brother, too, don't you? All right, forget the uncle thing. Get ready to die, Quagmire. You know, if you had any balls, you'd put that gun down,

Oh, hey, Stewie.

I know what you're thinkiNG.

You don't deserve to eat. Hey, Thanks for bringing me here, Cleveland. Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement. Ahem. Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors.

Ha ha. Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York! Ha ha! This does not affect us at all, ha ha! Ha ha!

HEy, Lois, what's with the sign? Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board. You never listen to me. Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Lois, what's with the sign? Uh, You guys? Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. Ooh! That's it! I'm calling the cops!

It was-- It was all over the news. The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him that night. Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die.

(SINGING GIBBERISH) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)

Hey, I've worked miracles befoRE. And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei!

Huh? Would it not? Evidently, Lois Griffin, star citizen of Quahog, is also Lois Griffin, star of Quest for Fur. It just goes to show you never know what sort of person is living next door. Tom? I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno?

Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it. Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms "through any crisis in any galaxy."

It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush! (SNORING) Look, there he is!

Pearl, do you rent or own? Own what? Those wings, you angel.

(DIALING) Hey, wheely stupid head, I heard you think Meg likes you. JOE: Who is this? How are you getting this information?

Great, great. Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit. Oh, Thank you. uh, This 12-pack of fungicide is for my daughter, Meg. Ahem. Help me. - He's funny. - That was great. Is it 1981?

(PEOPLE MURMURING) I'm such a huge fan of Peterotica. There you go. Thanks for reading.

(GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?

Yeah, I know. So what? Your dog is dating her! No way. You're banging Cheryl Tiegs? Yeah. Oh, my God. Light the beacons. (FANFARE PLAYING)

He's more annoying than when he's making his Christmas list. Now, Peter, are you sure this is all you want for Christmas? I'm only going to the mall once.

who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago. Well, folks, that's the news, and I am out of here.

Well, You might want to bring some cash with ya. 'Cause, You know, some places don't take credit cards. But, Mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card. Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling? Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!

So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump?

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight And the guys in hooded sweatshirts Have forgotten that they're white Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where a dude can pick a fight

Specimen Z isn't Carter's body.

Ah! Oh, my eyes! Could you please turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards.

Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING)

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator. MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talking or you get busy dying.

Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy There's Craig Hoffman. He's such a rebel.

Just think of this farm as our next great adventure. Like when we tried to invade the city of Troy. (SOLDIERS MURMURING) LOIS: Peter, I don't think this is the right horse. PETER: I am 100% positive this is the right horse.

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines. Y-You could! You--and--And not just like Jugs, or--or Creamsicle.

What the hell is all this? This is history, Brian. A key moment in the history of happiness. - Have a seat. - (SIGHS)

I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey... Stewie? (TRUCK HORN HONKING) Say "Yes" to life, Brian! I'll be home for Christmas. Son of a bitch! (TIRES SCREECHING)

I don't even want to talk about it.

Doctor, what is this? Oh, It's a very rare species. The endangered White-Rumped Swallow. "Rump." This isn't funny, Chris! "Swallow."

Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally. (BOTH SCREAMING) What the hell? (ROY GRUNTING) ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James to help me wipe.

Why are you-- No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides. Why are--

You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli. It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food?

Tricia Takanawa. What are you doing here? Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon. (MAN SINGING)

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book. Yes, the fat man's going to Hell. And from the looks of his midsection,

What? What is that? (QUIETLY) Let's use our eyes to see.

- Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then. - Don't know any better. - Bless your heart. Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded. You're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

Hey, Brian, look.

Peter, we've been married a long time. Why do I still get guy-in-an-elevator small talk? I don't know. You're the one talking about the weather. So... Looking forward to the weekend? (SCREAMS) It's okay. It's just us.

You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ.

BRIAN: You like that? Yeah, it's rad. BRIAN: Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom. Brian, are you guys up? Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Go back to bed. But I'm not tired. And I'm lonely. Oh, come, get in bed with us.

'Cause the rule is, the highest pee wins. Okay, gang, once we arrive in Nepal, we'll get all the supplies we need for the trip up Everest. Okay, but remember, kids, the people there have never seen people before. So when they walk up to you, quickly stuff a dollar bill in their mouth. Then you can pet them as much as you want. Is that true, Dad? No. Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place.

I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is...

Yeah, what the hell? You should be out there arresting the real criminals. Like switchblade-wielding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk. Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)

I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush. - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious?

Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh? Start the car! Start the car! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! We've been hustled! Nobody says that anymore. Well, then what would you call it, Jared? I wouldn't comment on it! We were all there. We know what happened.

Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself.

Peter, he's just a baby. You got to let this go. My baby boy got beat up by a girl. What was weird was that she was crying, but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying, which was weird. Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this.

Hey, Brian, I can't wait to meet your family. Yeah, me, too. They're pretty great. Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette?

(GRUNTS) Attaboy, Ope.

Really? Aw, Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever. Aw, No you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?

- Cracked? - Yeah. Jesus Christ, unbelievable. All right, I'll be back. (WIND HOWLING)

I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs,

Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose! Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!

So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened. Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room. Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father." Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe.

Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it, and I got lucky. But someone else could hurt themselves, and a small cut is a death sentence in these times,

Aw, yeah! He was a loser then, and he's a loser now. We used to kid this guy all the time. Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy!

I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey.

(GROWLING) (GUNSHOT) That's for shooting one of our guys!

It's great to have visitors. Except for that time Moby-Dick stayed with us. Do you have any Raisin Bran? Uh, oh, no, sorry. (SIGHS) Well, can you go get me some? Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together.

Steak and donut sandwich, please. You want cigarettes on that sandwich? What do I look like, a Mary? Yes, I want cigarettes. Okay, next up on the stage, let's have a big karaoke welcome for Peter and Ron! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Okay, this is one of our favorites.

Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?

(LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING)

Oh, Your mother has her ways. She has her ways. Can I have the blueprints to the Demico housE?

Dad, I'm scared.

STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. (SIGHS) Wait. Is it? Hey, hey, fatty, wake up.

Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! All right! That's enough! I-- I mean, will you all excuse me, please?

Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to. Gentlemen, I have gathered you all here today because you are the creators of what television used to be before I ruined it. And we need to rebuild television from the ground up.

Hey, That's a good one. Why are you-- No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides. Why are--

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe.

Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

(CROWD CHEERING) For the folks, they loved to tell About when Billy the Kid came to town

Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation Your friends want to go fishing with you This song is from childhood? Live to see tomorrow October 31, 2011

(EXCLAIMS) Hey, Bri? Yeah? How come you have a gun? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know?

How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in."

How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe! - PETER! - What? Are you sleeping on the job? No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.

They're the same thing, Peter. You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track. Hey, listen. Sorry about beating you up. I felt pretty bad about it. - Hey, this look like a spaceship to you? - Sorta. Well, I never was very good at building things.

Lois, what the hell are you doing?

You are the best of a bad situation. Nothing more. I use you, man. Yeah, I would know if you were using me. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit. And you know why I did it? Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could. What?

He ain't got no legs. Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful?

You wanted to see me, Grandpa? Yes, Chris. Your pledge period is over. The Skull and Bones elders are now ready to admit you to our ranks. As is customary with all our new members, you now have to spend seven minutes in the closet with our most senior member.

Oh! I wonder who that could be. Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah.

No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA. Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, Who's your frienD?

But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding. License and registration, please. Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir, you know what that means.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Well, that was quite a performance. My performance? What about you? "Golly, Lois, where do you shop? "Gee, your house looks beautiful. "Hey, I have an inside-out penis." I never said her house looks beautiful. Because, frankly, it didn't.

You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!

Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself? He's got an idea, but it's not quite there. I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that seems like it's more her market. This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Peter, I love you so much. PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee, but either way, it feels so good. LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too.

I mean, he jumped into that lake to try and save your life, and he's eight years old, Peter.

Did you want me to throw you your lightsaber? Yeah, about 10 minutes ago!

I'm a big shot, there's no doubt

And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester.

Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug. Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row. Like, I don't know that! Everybody knows that, Jared! Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right? You just go out there, you be the best Stewie plug you can. Oh, I sure will, Jared. Hey, you got any Gummi Bears on you? No. Be a lot cooler if you did.

I ought to get her checked out.

Hey, Lois, what's with the sign? Uh, You guys? Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. Ooh! That's it! I'm calling the cops! Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room. Oh, Chris! So what's the big deal? It's normal for a boy his age to be curious.

Stewie, this isn't what it looks like. Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to... (EXCLAIMING) Ain't nobody talking to you.

Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,

Jeez, every cop in town is here. I know. Who do you think is taking care of the city? No. No. No. No. MAN: What the hell? Come on! No drive. Is wet.

HEy, Where's your mother? Over there. I didn't know you knew how to play poker. Yeah. How you doing? Yeah. That's good, honey. Let's go. Yeah.

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect!

Oh, God, what have I done? I'm the worst husband ever. Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup from Child Services. I'm here to take your kids away. What? Why? Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them. No way! - Oh, my God. - Finally.

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire?

Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew Where to find

"That's going to be you some day, Meg." I know it will! I just know it will!

Ahh! Are you The Matrix? Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel. My name's Chris. Not anymore. Christobel will look so much better in Interview magazine. Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor! Hey, Lois, give me a penny.

Oh, my God. Are you crying? Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero! I love her so, so much! And this is the only time she's gonna be in town! And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me? No.

Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you! I hate you! Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?

Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores!

(CROWING) (CROWS)

JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!

Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact quahog police immediately. One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hi, I'm a French Canadian girl down here on my vacation. It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own. I like the swimming pool with a bar in it, 'cause you can sit on a barstool and you're in the water. I like how all the food and drink is included in the price of the ticket.

Hello? Young man? I don't think he even knows where he is. Do you want to just... Yeah, I mean, I'll just try and do it, I guess. Hey. Hey, fella?

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING)

How is this even possible? Well, clearly, when you attempted to reverse the gauge on my time machine, you somehow released a quantum shock wave powerful enough to push the flow of time in the opposite direction. I can only surmise that you and I were isolated from its effects because we were inside the machine at the moment of temporal inversion. Are you sleeping?

Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.

On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Your daughter's a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help!

Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi! Oh, hi, Quagmire. What a surprise. I know, right? Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you, buying food to make dinner for your husband. No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard, but Peter and I aren't together anymore.

Stop it! Stop clapping right now!

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.

- How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful. undefinedFinish it. Eat it. " hate it. Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on. At hurts! Good.

It's nice to see them finally getting on.

I got you, you bastard! Well, here he is! The evil monkey!

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

I swear to God, sometimes I feel like just going on strike! What would you all do if I went on strike? Huh? What would you do? I'm talking to you! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go on strike! And you can all try living without me! You ever think about that, huh? (SCREAMING) That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that. Kids, we're free.

If you ever... I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.

(GASPS) Stewie? Where are you? Look behind you, you stupid cow! Stewie? Oh, my God! What's happening?

A Blanket. Potato salad.

Peter, look at yourself.

Well, let's eat. I think it's very, very nice that our children had this wonderful kiss. I remember when Muriel and I had our first kiss. And it was just awful. Oh, just awful. We were both very sick, weren't we, dear? Oh, We were terribly sick.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty. My VCR's still broken. Did you remember to watch Survivor?

The Fed is gonna be lowering rates, get your money out of T-bills and put it all into...waffles!

No. No. It's just, I... I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night. So if I did anything that might have offended you, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I have a dog. So I've had to cut poop out of his fur before. Oh! Oh, thanks. Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right? So fun.

Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool. "She Packed my bags "last night, pre-flight "zero hour "9:00 a.M.

Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!

(SOBBING) Meg, are you ready? Sweetie, what's wrong? Mom, I can't do it. I can't get married. What? Well, why not? Because I'm not pregnant. What do you mean? How do you know?

What? Yeah, we take whatever we can get. I mean, we got two dead guys guarding the ammunition.

Raul, please take this handsome gentleman's bags to his car. Thank you. Hey, when you're beautiful, doors magically open for you. Actually, it opened because you stepped on that black rubber square. Of course, if that wasn't there, it would have opened anyway because you're beautiful.

(DOOR OPENS) And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?

(GASPING) (SIGHING) He was "Putin" us on, huh? Right? What do you think of that? Chevy? Right? That would have passed for funny in one of your movies, right? Okay, moving on.

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion!

I missed you so much. Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake? So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog.

Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly. - What's your name? I'm Peter. - Peter.

and two, its prime directive is never to harm people. Oh, God, it's harming people! ROBOT: Angry! Angry! Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too! It's using tools! It's learning, Angela! It's learning! Run!

THE BUTT: Congratulations. You're caller number five. You're going to see Justin Bieber! HERBERT: Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never!

Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh! Hmm.

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of.

But, hey, I'll make it up to you. Let's play catch. Okay. Wait a minute. You know what? - I think you should play catch with Jake. - Really? Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Giggity Let's have sex Let us forever remember this beautiful young woman, taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born.

Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera?

Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh!

Mmm! I can taste him. Okay, I get the smell part. But, Meg, I think we have to have a talk. Sweetheart, you don't... You don't have a crush on Joe, do you?

QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba!

Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty. Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your-- Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little-- Ahh! Oh, God!

I swear I heard something. (SIGHS) Adam, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right?

That's a great idea, Lois. Crisscross! Yes, that is a crisscross. Yes! So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House.

For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."

No, no, I can't.

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk?

(WHOOPS) (SCREAMING) Thank you.

As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana. Good evening, everyone. Our top story, marijuana is now legal.

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, keep your eye on the sky for the aerial acrobatics of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go! All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh? Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made. Are you wearing a girl's sweater?

your son. Oh, no way! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy. That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

Yes, but a gun, it's so messy. What about pills? Even hanging yourself is better. At least then you might grow an inch or two while you're hanging there. Of course, when they find you, you might have those Illeana Douglas eyes. Hmm. So, why the gun? It just seemed the quickest way, I guess.

Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses. Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance? Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry. Are you sure you took it?

Okay, guys, I got one. Would you rather get a massage from a man, or surgery from a female doctor? Wow. Like, minor surgery? No, serious surgery. Like a blown kidney or something. Geez. Good question, Peter. - Is the man gay? - No.

Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji in yesterday's travel section? (SIGHS) I wish I was Beyonce.

Hey there, fellas. Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers... ...and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind ifl have a seat? I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it? I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with.

What's wrong with your picture? Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture." I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago.

Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, now, let me understand this, what are you here to promote, James? Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun.

We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about?

Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song.

Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil." "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile." "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics! You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break.

Let's get a drink. I thought of it first. Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient.

Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson.

Stewie, that teleportation machine is amazing.

Lois, your family owned my family! Daddy, is that true? Well, it appears so. Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! Peter, please calm down. Babs, I think it's time we went to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight. Whoa!

You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.

Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!

Look, I'm not making you anything else. So Just eat it, all right. Fine! Then I'll have to call the judge, and That means you'll go to jail! You're one phone call away from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Molly. Ah.

This is amazing. And it gets better, Brian.

Unfortunately Johnson isn't here to pitch today. His wife is in labor. Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch. ha! I don't know what's more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity. Oh, how hard-- Oh, how hard can it be to pitch?

Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade?

How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

She's got elbow cleavage. You know, that little wrinkle that fat people get on their elbows that looks like a schwa? I mean, you wouldn't have sex with her, would you? Oh, yeah, I would. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would do everything to her. I don't care what she looks like. I would wreck that chick. Well, you are a trouper.

You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house. STEWIE: What is this? There's something wrong with the house. I don't like change! Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard. Why not? Herbert did it.

You always used to love the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you. (MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live,

I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE) Oh, stop, I'm...

Okay, we still got nothing to eat, so it looks like we're gonna have to hunt animals for food. And since we have no weapons, I set up some traps and snares. Well, I was about to take a leak. - Can I go in that direction? - Yes. (SCREAMS) No. Damn it, my legs! I think they're broken! Yay, Joe. Now you have a friend.

Ptew! Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb. What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me! Ugh! Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Holy crap!

Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat. Red-headed lady reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope She's gonna breathe on it first

Yes, the day can begin. Good morning, Brian. Now, we can do this one of two ways. I can bust your balls to pieces right now or we can spread it out over the course of the day. I don't wanna talk about it. Well, I do. So, tell me everything that happened at the dance.

Fine. If that's the way you want it, but we're not going to go down easy. Okay, that was easy. But I'll be back with more handicapped guys. Dad, look! Here they come!

Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar. Now here's Roy! Ha. Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown. Uh-uh, This here's A hootenanny. Hoedown!

Big League Chew.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Just for the record, I was at the hospital for a brief moment. Mrs. Griffin, it's a good thing you brought this child in. Why? Is he okay? I'm afraid he's very sick.

(BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake. Sho' 'nough, I thought I'd go deef and dumb when I saw me that dead body. Cleve, calm down. You're not making any sense. Every day it's a-getting closer... DREYFUSS: Anything was possible as we set out that day,

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine!

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass. CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...

She won't go to the police. She's afraid of what Jeff will do. And to be honest, I don't blame her. I mean, what happens if one of these nights, he hits her so hard, he kills her? Sorry, Quagmire. Police policy, we can't step in until it's too late. But if I were you, I'd set up an intervention. What's that? It's like a surprise birthday party,

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation.

Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers.

You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Got to make you understand

You're gonna need this. What? I've never killed anybody before. Relax, they're Arabs. People will still be rooting for you. Hey! (SIGHS) Son of a bitch. Oh! This is like a video game.

he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING) Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching,

Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard I'm gonna carry you off into the sunset on a white horse. It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur. Isn't she a bit of terrific?

You're not really gonna hang out with him, Lois, are you? We're just friends, Peter. Don't tell me you're jealous. Well, you dating that guy, it's just a lot to take in. (LAUGHING) Oh, you... You're telling me. Come on! Those kinds of jokes aren't helping! Well, what do you want me to say? You're being silly. I mean, Jerome and I dated over 12 inches ago.

Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.

(GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked. (NATIVES YELLING)

Yeah, man. You and that towel are representiN'. Yo! that's what's just fightin', G! Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci jr. High cheerleaders. is everybody pumped up? Gimme A d-u-s-t! D-U-S-T! M-i-t-e-s! M-i-T-E-S!

You're just two people who live in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property. He used to hang you in the garage so his fender wouldn't hit the wall. (ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO) You're there. You're there! I couldn't hear you. The radio was too loud.

"you should receive this letter at the exact moment the DeLorean vanished. "I have been living happily for the past six months in the year 1885. "The lightning bolt that..." (GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

Wow! Looks bottomless. It is bottomless.

I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING) All right, Chris, this is it. This is what we've been working for.

You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)

Lois? Other families fight, too, right? Not this much. Do you think maybe we should think about getting a... It is what it is. Let's just get Stewie to college and go from there.

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Brian, come over here and meet Sea Breeze, my prize-winning dog.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to--

Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling. That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend. That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already.

like you always do. Giggity Giggity. Yeah, but first you usually go over there and pull down that blonde waitress' top. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (SLAP) She screamed, so I had to slap her.

Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah! Gotcha! To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox. I recommend a trial separation, during which time I advise that you date other people.

I say we eat that one!

Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House?

And send a masseuse up. Legitimate! Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin. My son here's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed. And all I gotta do is paint! Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats like the Muppets?

(INAUDIBLE) Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish? I hope so, Meg. I really do. It's not, Lois. It's not.

and America's Funniest Home Videos buys you a shrimp cocktail? Get lost. If I give you $5,000, will you tell me I matter?

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now. I don't believe we've met yet. I'm Carter. Uh, I'm Chris. CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday!

Can you see me now?

Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky!

and you can sort of taste it? Yeah. Well, I'm tasting you right now and it tastes awful. Truly disgusting, like salty garbage. Yeah, I totally taste it. Oh, Brian, there you are. Look who's here for lunch. Hello, Mr. Woods. Peter tells me you're in films. Peter, can I talk to you in the living room?

They don't use metal because it reacts chemically with the fish eggs and changes their taste. Oh! Well, that's fascinating. You could have just complimented the free food, but one-upping me is another way to go. - So, you know, guys... - Bitch. ...Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa.

All right, hands in the air! Vertically! Both arms should be parallel to each other! You, fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills. But first, fix that notepad so it's at a right angle with the corner of your desk! And tap that pile of receipts against a flat surface, so they're not sticking out haphazardly! You know what? Forget about the money! Everybody grab a broom!

I just can't believe he's gone. (Pastor) Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. Daddy, I'm gonna miss you. Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too. But you're makin' a scene. All our friends are here.

Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter. I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing! Oh, boy! We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois. Glen, Thank you for being such a good friend and looking after me like this.

I'm sorry. Can I help you? Yes. Uh, This is Meg Griffin. She's here to see the Dean of Admissions. And we'd, uh... And we'd like it if she got into the university. Go on, take it. Wait over there.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

You don't look Asian.

You see, basically, I got home from work one day and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. Oh, that's terrible. I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job.

What's on your mind, Petey? Look, uh, We can't be friends anymore. Oh. I'm sorry. Hey, Forget about it. Aw, jeez, Look, it's not you. It's Lois. She doesn't want me hanging around with you. Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Like you said, I've already decided. - I'm Kate. - I'm Brian. Hey, you want to go outside? Maybe a little quieter. Sure. Oh, my God, I... Hey, check out Brian with the blind chick.

So I has been asked by the judge to be the foreman, and I want y'all to know that we's gonna run a fair jury and a clean jury, so I brought some wet naps for everyone to wipe off their areas. 'Cause one of us gets sick, we's all gonna get sick.

(SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank. Well, I got to tell you, this was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. What was that? Nothing.

And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair. (ALL GASPING) What?

And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married,

Throw that guy out! Sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but we work for Mr. Griffin now. You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am? I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! I'm not getting in that elevator! Don't you dare throw me out of this lobby! Don't you... Damn it! Hey, what are you doing out here? JOE: I can't get in the building! Peggy? Yes, Mr. Griffin.

I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight. gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!

Hey, other black guys. It ain't so bad.

(HAMMERING) Peter, what are you doing? I'm just putting up my new sign. Don't put that thing on our door. If you want to hang it somewhere, hang it in the basement. Oh, why? So you can hog it while you're doing laundry? No way. Peter, we're not a business. Hey, I saw your sign. - So, you're open? - That's right. - What do you do? - What do you need?

Worst of all, now I'm gonna have a police record. Now Meg, If you're gonna grab a hold of life, you've gotta expect to get your hands dirty once in a while. It was kind of cool that people noticed me.

Can I help you, Edward? Yeah, I'm here for the early bird special. Are those new slacks? What's that now? Are those new slacks? I got these on special at Caldor. Who drove you there? My nephew. Oh!

Also, if I gave you a sandwich, do you think you could get Chris to fart on it?

I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero.

I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there?

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

We're cool, Peter. We're cool. But, listen, there is something I got to fess up to. While I was living with y'all, I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.

(CHUCKLING) Hey, hey, Brian, how you feeling tonight? Good. Having a nice time. Are you feeling terrific, or any variation on that word? Oh, sure. No complaints. My skin's a little dry.

Now brace yourself. Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality. (BEEPING) (MACHINE ZAPPING)

Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay? We should all be so gay! Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh? Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero. Look, you'll see. At the Navy Ball, you'll see how much of a man he is and how everyone in the military respects him.

Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?

I Know What You Did Last Summer? No, Never heard of it. The Devil and Daniel Webster? Nope. Party oF 5? Was that a porno? Hey--hey, Don't worry about it. Sometimes You gotta do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent. Oh, The food here is fantastic. This is where I took Lois on our first date. You ordered a pie for an appetizer?

Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears?

By God, I may not be able to give my family a vibrating sex doll. But at least I can give 'em a pool. Um, i-i say, if--If you find a human skeleton with a Lincoln Log jammed in the temple, I didn't do it.

I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me.

Y-you know what? That's fine. I--I'll take the kids. Aw, Thanks, buddy.

(EXCLAIMS) No gravity.

QUAGMIRE: Settle down, will ya?

Come on. To the Peter-dactyl.

What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity. Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? I know. Who would've thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV?

Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you."

Okay, Tom, you're over here on all fours. Carter, I need your face right here. Nope, even closer. You're gonna want to feel the heat coming off him. Okay, Consuela, I'm gonna need you on your knees. And we're probably partway into it here, so one of your eyes is stuck shut. All the way shut. There are 11 of us, dear.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

BRIAN: Good morning, Quahog. You're here with Dingo... (DOG GROWLS) And the Baby... (BABY GURGLES) And if you're thinking about changing the station... MAN ON TAPE: Don't you do it! Today we got homeless Hank from the dumpster out back with us. Hey, I got an idea.

in these swamp monster times. (YELLS) We did it, Daddy! I have my husband back, and you have your company. Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who... BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new. This is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. Thank you, Daddy!

Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects?

That's Petorian for, "More beer, you slappy-wag." You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to $50. I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. D-d-Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks, while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?

There, Meg, everything's fine. It's not Michael I'm upset about! Well, what is it, then? I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her. Oh, I can't believe this.

(PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up. Where did they go? There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left! Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done? Looks like you ran over him, Lois. Oh, no! He's unconscious! Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up! Yeah, but... What? Let's put a hat on him to cover the wound, and then let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids and find a way to pin this on someone else.

Come on, Meg. You got to save him! Peter, you need to let go.

but it occurs to me that you've been taking advice from everyone except the one person who matters. What do you want, Chris?

"Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole. Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right? Okay, for real now.

Hells, yeah! It is the only rooftop pool in Providence. No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now? Look, my ears are ringing, my foot arches are hurting, and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes.

Horsey, you saved my life. No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried.

(GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING)

You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why. Is this the longest light ever, or what? Ah, there we go! Oh, my God! How do you two know each other? Uh, we actually just met. Well, I'm Stewie. I'm Lauren. It's good to meet you. I love the show.

You pay me now? (PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped. Chris, have you ever seen your father do anything bad?

Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Oh, don't do that. Don't repeat the last two words like you already kind of knew what I was talking about. You have no idea what I'm talking about.

Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right.

You know, the one who always has high beams Under her ribbed, white, cotton t-shirt But then stares daggers at you for checking her out And it', like, why do you wear that if you don't want attention? But you know you shouldn't think that way because of the sexual-harassment meeting You all had to go to

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I'm getting some steam. Picking up steam here, Scotty. You'd better look out. I don't feel so well. Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin. Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over!

And willingly...

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

But this is really exciting. I'm having a blast.

(SIGHS) Chris! It's time for supper! (CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with Purple Hearts. Shoot me in the foot. What? Shoot yourself in the foot. No, no, no, no. They can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you. I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work. Ready? One, two, three. (GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts! I think you missed me. All right, I'll try again.

That's good about your modeling, Lois. Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific. Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling. That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend.

Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.

When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

(LAUGHING) Oh, no, she didn't. (DOORBELL DINGING) Pizza for Adam West. No! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon! This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher.

What the hell happened? (CHICKEN CLUCKING)

Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet. Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but... (STAMMERING) It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I'm happy to help. What the hell is this?

Well, I got my job back, Angela's happy again, and she's not gonna harass me anymore. Everything worked out perfect. Not really, Peter. Yeah, you cheated on your wife. No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort! I want my $2!

Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music. He-hee. Yeah! Look, you--you guys got it all wrong. I--i--i...

(WIND BLOWING) What? Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend.

Come on, Peter. She doesn't want to talk about work. What's it like in there? I assume it's like how it is in the men's room. Oh, there's a long trough with a big poo in it? (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) You know, Brian, the past few weeks have been great.

This is ridiculous. Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing. Well, I have questions about her testimony. She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party. Now, how could a woman at an orgy witness a murder? The bedroom was 100 feet from the window. Okay, first of all, the term "orgy" is outdated.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt.

I will kill you, do you understand?

and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld!

sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on! Brian, Frank, meet Dakota and New Bedford.

I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God!

Dad called you fat. Wait. Stewie's really been acting out lately.

I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with. Good luck, brave travelers. No! We were so close. I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address.

It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods? Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Oh, for crying out loud.

(SIRENS WAILING) NARRATOR: Amazingly, this drunk driver turns left into oncoming traffic. He narrowly misses hitting a pedestrian, who jumps out of the way just in time. Now the driver can add attempted battery to the charges.

No! Ah, fudge. Wait, I know! I'll figure this out. The pieces are all there. I'll go home and figure this out. Ah, cool. Hey, Mort, what's this thing? Oh, that? That's my "Come in, we're open" sign.

What the hell are we gonna do, Stewie? We have no money, no way to get home, and one of the loan shark's goons is probably gonna bust through that door any minute and kill us both. I wish my daddy were here. He always knows what to do.

(CHOKING) Don't push.

Magnificent. Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. Another! Another! Yes!

What the hell's going on here? Listen here, you bully! For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you. Like hell she did.

It's distracting. Um, this is the story of my ancestor Nate Griffin. Of course, Nate Griffin was his slave name. His real name was Richard Bachman. And this is the story of his roots.

Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better. Number three, number four. Number three. Five and six.

So, let's go see the U.S.A. They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee But you can forgive the world and its flaws and follow me there because

Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, I have to go to the bathroom for about 30 minutes, as I eat a lot of meat.

- Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter! Yeah, Griffin gets it! Boy, I'm really looking forward to this.

Hit it! Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather...

Well, Patrick, I guess we all owe you an apology. Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle.

Uh-oh, foot odor. I have to go. I have, uh, terrible foot odor.

Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok.

My God, what did those drug dealers do to you? Oh, they took my chest out and threw it over there. Then they pulled my legs out and threw them over there. Brian, you're still watching TV?

(SCREAMS) I did not want to have to do that. They were very nice to me up until then.

Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh! Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh!

Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it.

I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt. Camels for sale!

Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter. Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? Have the towel boy bring you another.

Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened? Well, it was 1996.

(CHUCKLING) Nathaniel, what are you doing? Just ruining ninth grade for everyone.

woo-hoo! Baby! 12 in a row!

That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets!

Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him? Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too!

Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this. It's good to finally be off duty. Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire.

"I don't want to go to the farm! "We don't even know anybody there!" You see, she's a real spitfire, this girl. Now, you got to bring that out or else I have nothing to react to. Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

She looks like someone farted in a shoe. I had a moment of weakness, but I know now that I was wrong. I need her, Peter. I love her. You got to help me get her back. Well, it's probably the right move anyway. Those girls seemed kind of annoying. Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you!

Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it.

Aha! We meet again, Briggs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you? Joe Swanson. Who? Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation. We saw Reality Bites together. (GRUNTS) You guys, I found him!

I can mash potato i can mash potato I can do the twist I can do the twist now tell me baby ooh. Tell me baby do you like it like this...

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your husband has amnesia. Oh, my God! Is it permanent? Well, there's no telling for sure. His memory could return in days, weeks, years, or never. Or weeks. Peter, I want you to meet your family.

I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter.

Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

(RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later.

My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's got to come out. BOTH: What? It's been in the microwave for three minutes. It'll get dry. Now... Please. Please. We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat. Oh, thank God!

Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. now Meg, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it. And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense. You said "nuclear." It's "nucular," dummy. The "S" is silent.

We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems! Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin,

Oh, thank you. I'm so glad you're being so understanding about this. I was actually dreading having to tell you about this. (CHUCKLES) (IMITATES SHUDDERING) It appears I'll have to kill him myself. What? I knew you were too weak to do this. You're nothing but a coward. No, Penelope, wait! (GROANS) Strong women always turn out to be nightmares.

She needs to get laid, big-time.

Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a... This is called a telephone, Peter. You use it to talk to people who aren't in the house. There are others? Yes, there are over six billion people in the world.

A substantial reward is being offered for any information leading to his capture. In other pseudo-scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Bigfoot. We've got the exclusive interview. I was about to bone my girlfriend, out at the lake,

You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him! Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail,

Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter. ahh! Ahh!

All right. All right. I've got one. I've got one, um, Ok, 2 men are standing at the Pearly Gates. Oh, God, wait! How did that one go? oh, well, Anyway, it turns out they're Siegfried and Roy. I'm no good at telling jokes. Dad, it's Mom. Oh, God! Please be Somerset Maugham. Please be Somerset Maugham. Hello?

Our top story, methamphetamine is flooding into Quahog in epidemic amounts, and is believed to be originating from the nearby rural community of Farmton.

How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat. Joanie, it's me. Oh, hey! You know, I had such a great time with you last night. Listen, there's something I have to tell you. I just got back from the doctor. I have herpes.

but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. The important thing is that you stood up for me, and I won't forget it. Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back. Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together.

I was being sarcastic.

oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live from the 35th annual Quahog Veteran's Day celebration.

And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!

(CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

Oh, What other thing? You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first? Well, It's obvious. You know, Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera. So, the sex was good? Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass! Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

Well, tell us everything, sweetie. How's school going so far? It's great, Mom! I got powerful connections now, thanks to Grandpa. Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No!

Run! ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Great Moments in Women's Stand-Up Comedy. Sorry to interrupt nothing, but, Monkey, do you think you could help me? I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore.

I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit?

I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing. They were gonna scrap it 'cause of some minor mechanical problems or something. Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation. I do not want you trying to fly that thing. You're not even a trained astronaut. Relax, Lois. Nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles. Now stand back.

Where is your father and Chris?

Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart! Don't let her see you cry, old man.

Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers.

Good morning. Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad! Yeah. From The Hills! Yeah. You seem surprised. No. No. It's just, I... I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night. So if I did anything that might have offended you, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I have a dog. So I've had to cut poop out of his fur before. Oh! Oh, thanks.

You go to hell!

(SLURPING STOPS) Oh! All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay?

(FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home. Angela, I did it. I finished the third grade. I'm ready for my promotion. Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital. - You're going to jail. - What? What, you think everyone just forgot about that?

Don't move, dirt bag! Ah, It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! This is great. This is the rush I've been looking for. Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks.

Did you say the tooth fairy comes here? To our house? She just breaks in like some hood? Yeah, she creeps into your house at night and comes into your room while you sleep. Oh, my God! And sometimes, just for the hell of it, she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair and places it gently on your tongue. Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here!

In closing, although it seems pretty clear that my client committed this murder, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you found him not guilty. That's your closing argument? Those karate lessons are really paying off. Thank you, Sensei. Welcome. He came.

(SIGHS) The annual Quahog Star Trek convention, where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God!

What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois. She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving. Look, Monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right? And there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about that. Peter, you're acting bananas. (LAUGHING) All right, I'll listen. You're both good guys.

So, get out there and do it, huh? That gold medal is mine, pretty boy. You don't have a chance in Hell. He may be right, Peter. Joe, he's an android. Don't let him push you around. You can do this. I know you can. Yeah. Yeah! hey, You think you're so hot, fella? Well, at least I can do this.

CLEVE: Fuck that.

(SCREAMING) Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right? No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot!

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING) Lois, what the hell are you doing?

You're being silly. I mean, Jerome and I dated over 12 inches ago. (LAUGHING) I said "inches." - What did I just say? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, look, just relax. You're my husband and I love you, so just put Jerome out of your head. Get him out of my life is more like it.

All right, this is more like it. Where's Buttercup? Oh, only members can ride Buttercup. Guests have to ride Topsy, the 'roid rage horse. (SNORTS) Now, whatever you do, don't say his trigger word. - What? - (SCREAMS) That's his trigger word! (SCREAMING) Don't yell! His parents were slaughtered by yellers. Just submit. I am submitting! It's getting worse!

Chris, honey, there's something I want to talk to you about. Why, sure, Mom. Come on in. Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey? Yeah? Well, honey, I saw her making out with another boy. Was she kissing with her mouth, or her pants-mouth? Because she does both.

I used to do a bit about him back when I was doing stand up. What else is in the news? Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz, you hear about this? This guy Bernie Goetz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him with me next time I go see my mother-in-law. No, but really, New York City's a great place to live, if you're a cockroach. MAN: You suck! I know.

And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown! Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault.

Look, Stewie, nothing lasts forever. You and Rupert had some special times together, and you'll always have that.

What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS) This trash? Trash? What? No, that's a functioning lamp. No. Is okay. I take home.

Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe, and Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich. Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago.

You wanna come over here and quiet me down? - Let's not do this. - Oh, God. Stewie, come on. I'm scared. No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir? You feel strong? You wanna come over here? MAN: No, I want to stay here and have my steak. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What is that, the porterhouse? Yeah. How is it? What do you care? If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it? Yeah, I would. Well, I know what I'm getting.

as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after.

What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny,

What do we do? "Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?"

Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway.

Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

(CRYING) Because he asked! That's right, Dad. You never ask. And even if you did, you never listen! And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you! Well... Well, I hate you, too!

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Listen, I was at the hospital earlier, and I heard something I wish I hadn't. Oh. Please do not tell me it was a sexist remark, because that is not okay. You know, those nurses are busting their asses,

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do?

- Hello. - That's not funny! Peter, this is ridiculous. We came here to take Chris home.

We're gonna settle this like men.

(SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

I mean, it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as, you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know? Just two good-looking guys sharing a cramped office,

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?

Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) That's probably mean old Mr. Herbert again. Dad? Excuse me, Chris, I got to talk to Mr. Pupenchest here. Good day to you, Mr. Griffin.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily?

Ah, I've stuck by you through worse.

You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd? No, no! Good Lord, this is not 2005. We've come a long way since then. Okay, what? So you go stabbing in there with a laser and you try to zap it out, like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? No, Mr. Griffin. Well, so what, you, like, hold her legs open and, like, send a Pit Bull in there?

I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago. What's with the big grin? Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh, and I was feeling cocky. Hey, let's see yours, Joe. No. Come on! (SIGHS) Wait, why does it say... Yeah.

Wait a minute. That's not nice. You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you. Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times.

All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you! Well, I think your father found the perfect job.

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit.

The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing!

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

Come on, Lois. Those-- Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I--I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh! You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber!

Well, Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too. But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You jerk. All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife.

I don't know, Lois. I'm a little depressed. The accident got me thinking about how uncertain life is and how suddenly it can be taken away. You're going to feel back to normal in no time. - Here, have some food. - I'm not hungry. Here comes the gravy. (COUGHING) You messy beast.

You, go get me an ice cream. You, clear the slide. I'm going down in five minutes. You! Did you get me my Cheez Whiz, boy? You're my boyfriend. Yes, dear. Of course I am. Now, where's Lloyd with our Fun Dip?

And they're off! Well then, giddy up. Great to be thIN. Yup.

Rock lobster Yeah, you're gonna be ok.

"Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole. Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right?

Butter fingers.

But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas. Please don't kill us! We won't do it again, honest! We'll be good, mister! We was just fooling around, is all! Jabba! This is your last chance! Free us or die!

Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved! Really? Are you sure it's England? Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover. Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white. So, we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer. Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire. By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop.

- Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow. What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!

I said get lost! Where's he going? Dad! Let him go, kids. You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE! Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it!

Oh, It looks the same, but actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean. oh. Ha. maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"! Oh, This is so exciting. Your father's first day as president.

I mean, I don't mean to be, I just... Look, if you don't want to fight anymore, you don't have to. Well, good. And the truth is, I suppose I kind of got most of it out of my system anyway. I love you, Lois.

Okay, everybody just calm down. We're not going to go crazy spending our winnings, and we're not going to let this money change us. What are you talking about? This money is our ticket to the good life, starting now.

What did I tell you about altering the past?

It's a lot of work just to keep my single-guy fridge sufficiently depressing. Let's see. Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait. Root beer from two Julys ago. Here we go, expired milk. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Jenny, look how young you look. I sympathize with y'all. Donna makes me listen to Gayle King on XM Radio,

Is that what they want, for me to take a bus? Well, screw that. You take a bus. I'm that kind of drunk. Shotgun.

Uh, Lois, have you noticed some spooky things going on ever since Peter brought that skull into the house? No. What are you talking about? Well, like the whole business last night with the TV. I'm just saying, maybe we have a poltergeist. Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts. It's all just...

Hey, there. Eat up, y'all. Youse is good churchgoing folk. Y'all deserve a little treat.

He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh!

Shape of Jayna's tampon. PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence. Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis. All right. All the pieces are there.

Technology versus old-timey wooden stuff.

Now we've got what it takes to be very best friends

Yay, Stewie! Oh, thank you, darling. I... What is this? Makeup? Why are you wearing makeup? (GASPING) Chicken pox! Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare. You swore on the seesaw.

Big party. Many peoples. Oh, my God. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.

Air Supply? Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums,

I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

Your test results are in.

Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here!

No. Well, that's all part of mastering the Force, man. It starts with checking out sweet-ass DVD releases, like Iron Man, directed by Jon Favreau. Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.

I guess that things have become a little stale for me. I--i--I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore.

What the deuce is all the commotion?

Brian, what are you doin' here? I should ask you the same question. Lois, you're in an auto parts store, stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing.

I see you're kind of stealing mine, but it's okay. Leukemia.

Yeah, kind of. Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine?

He's violating Sea Breeze!

Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving?

"Hey, type in 'dog, baby, heinie lick.' Check this out." And then the boss is gonna say, "Hey, what are you doing there? "Oh, yeah, that's funny. I saw that in my room." "Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'" I am gonna be so humiliated. Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

(SIGHING) Has the 4:10 flight to Alaska left yet? I'm afraid so. That's it right there.

I moved my abortion for this.

You've been playing with your friends long enough. Now it's time for you to come inside and do your homework. It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What? Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way. Oh, way to stand up for your woman there, fatty. Chris, what the hell is going on with you lately? Ever since you hooked up with this band, you're like a completely different person, and I don't like it one bit.

Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you...

There's only one show I want to see. It's a little something I call Make Every Day Count, starring Peter Griffin as himself. Oh, Come on, Peter. Don't you miss T.V. just a little? The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment?

but I can't risk it, with the dog sniffing around for evidence. Damn! What the hell are they doing here? What are we looking for, Joe? Well, the trail is pretty cold by now,

The riddle is this. A father and his son are in a car crash.

I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... (VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done.

Hey. Hey! Psst! Wow, Peter! That's a book, isn't it? That's the first time I've seen you reading something that didn't later turn out to just be a sandwich. Yeah. It's an erotic book. I bought it at that sex shop. I got to tell you though, I've read four chapters of this and it's not sexy at all. "Much Ado About Humping." Well, sounds sexy.

No. He had the DVD set. I was just being colorful with the rest of it. Well, maybe you should go talk to Glenn about it. I mean, especially if he has no idea. I guess I could, but I don't know if it'll do any good, Lois. He's in complete denial, like people in massive debt. Well, honey, I've extended our line of credit and exhausted all our savings. We should be good for another month.

Well, maybe the doctor is the mother. No, that's just crazy. I got it, the dad in the car has to be a vampire, he's already dead, and he's a doctor. That's pretty smart. Let's go with that. Okay. The doctor is the dad, who is a vampire.

"It's like a half-hour commute."

Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Give up the toad now

(GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything!

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives. Ha! Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.

(GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries.

Boy, she's pretty pissed. Who thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons? Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you? Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers.

Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

Who's talking like he's black The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

(GASPS) What are you doing here?

DOG 2: Hey, are you guys dogs? - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're totally dogs! BRIAN: Yeah, both of us! Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house.

Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream. I can't believe Horace is dead. I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up. I'm gonna pee!

Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication. And it's not even your name on the label. What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama?

these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey,

It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

Is this the Griffin household? Yes. There was a fire at Quahog Liquor last night. No people were killed, but the burned body of a dog was found inside. The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass.

Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?

I just found out I got that internship at Mayor West's office. Wow, congratulations, Meg. Yeah, it was a really tough interview, but I totally nailed it. All right, Meg, we're going to start with a little word association. I'll say a word, and you say whatever comes into your head. - Okay. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Hmm. Bite. - Mosquito. - Ah, yes. Good one.

Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.

Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me. Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school... make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what.

Yeah, you knew it was gonna be a touching comedy because Robin Williams had a beard. Oh. My back is so stiff from sitting in that theater chair. I could probably use a back rub. Do you mind? Not at all. You know, I took a Thai massage class at The Learning Annex.

I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect!

(DUCKS QUACKING) Well, it looks like I'm a man with no sperm. But I'll always be a man with no sperm who once had a wonderful day. Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.

You convinced me to keep a job I hate just so you could fly free? You know, If I talked real loud like that,

Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

Is there a problem, Officer? Can I see your license, boy? "Boy"?

and we could settle this like men. (LAUGHING) That's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you. Hey, I'm serious, man. Unless you're scared I can take you. Suit yourself, man. Just means you're gonna die slower. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Have plans? What are you doing that's more important than buying somebody? Look, where is this place? Where do they have the auction? I don't know, but there is a courtesy shuttle that runs every 20 minutes. What? Damn it. We just missed it. What do you wanna do for 20 minutes? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna work out. That's how you stay in shape.

except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

You know, from before he got all desperate for attention. Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here! (GASPS) Oh, my God! I know, about the water, right?

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock.

I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers.

Good boy, Connor. Pull.

Oh, my God! The Bachelorette is coming to Ouahog.

Peter is completely out of control!

You smell that? He's passed out drunk.

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car. - (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself

(WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper.

What, so that's it, Peter? You're just giving up? I don't know what else to do, Brian. I guess we're never gonna be a family again. - Hi, Peter. - Oh, my God, Lois. You're all better. That's right. And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months. I'll enjoy that.

but when I got back home, I was so afraid of being judged by the community that I never filled out the paperwork to make you a citizen. Mom, what are you saying? Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant. Holy crap!

Tomato bisque. What is this? Snot Soup? Tomato bisque! What is this? Diarrhea soup? Look, I'm not making you anything else. So Just eat it, all right. Fine! Then I'll have to call the judge, and That means you'll go to jail! You're one phone call away from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Molly.

But from now on, we're not gonna have any more anger in this house, ok? Well Then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body. Don't censor me!

Why are we making a federal case out of this? Don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment? I was gonna call them. But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner?

Well, hey there, Griffins! Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise! Don't tell me you're K.I.S.S. freaks, too? K.I.S.S. army soldier since 1977. How about you? '76. I don't think anyone knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do.

and I'll make you a clone. I only have to do it once? I'll tell you when to stop. (CHUCKLES) I don't know why you're stopping. Nobody told you to stop. Give me a little smile. Your lips look a little dry. Why don't you wet them a little bit?

One day I was cleaning a bird cage, and a porn producer came in, and, well, the rest you know. I kind of feel like the part that we should have seen was... You know what? Never mind. It works. Good Lord. Am I a porn baby? Oh, I'm sure not. They don't usually finish inside.

Now, son, Your parents are on their way. But since time is a factor here, we'd like to get a positive I.D. as quickly as possible. Are you sure he can't see me? Absolutely, Chris. You're 100 percent safe. Okay, that's him. Number 6. Hi. Uh, Excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin.

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone!

Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)

Oh, no, they're not all living here. They're just visiting. (LA CUCARACHA PLAYING) Hey, Mexican Superman. I got the keys made. Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Good evening. Our top story tonight, Barack Obama makes a visit to James Woods High School. Yes, it's time to get jiggy with it, Quahog... I thought we had taken that out. President Barack Obama will visit James Woods High next month, and this little town of ours couldn't be more abuzz. Oh, my God, this is gonna be so amazing!

And? And it costs $10 for lunch and the bus. Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10?

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

On what? Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. I shall call you "Eduardo."

Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's. God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated! I'm intoxicated all right, Lois, by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket, Cape Cod and all the great destinations that make Massachusetts the wondrous place it is.

(STATIC BUZZING) Isn't that awesome? JOE: You said you weren't gonna call him. QUAGMIRE: It's not him, you big bully. Joe told me not to call you. So what... So what are you doing? (SIGHS)

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible. What do you mean? Well, you've seen our secret island.

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!

Everyone, this is Brian. Oh, this is Brian. He does look like Ben Affleck. He looks just like Ben Affleck. - Is that Ben Affleck? - Hey. So, how did you guys meet? I'm a friend of her dad's. Ooh, he's older. He's cute. Do you have a brother?

And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed

Oh, my God, is it 7:50? Damn it, I missed the bus.

Hey, I like your tie. Thanks. (MAN READING IN SING-SONG) Come on, Chris, he'll do all the work.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, sorry, Lois. (LAUGHING) Oh, that rice got you, bitch. Hey, Stewie's laughing. Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that? Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice? Ow! I misjudged you, fat man. Damn it. Peter, what's wrong with you? Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin. A few years ago, we did an episode called "Viewer Mail" where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes.

and America's Funniest Home Videos buys you a shrimp cocktail? Get lost. If I give you $5,000, will you tell me I matter? Oh, there's my little angel! Here, let me get that for you, sweetie! Thanks, Dad. Wow, Peter, I gotta say,

I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose. Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago. Why, it's wonderful to meet you. We've heard so many nice things. Yes, indeed. So, how long have you been a prostitute?

The first one's always hard.

Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut. Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us!

What do you think, Mom? Is that the most beautiful bride you've ever seen? I love it! Oh, it's just so much money. It's true. It's true. Take the dress off, sweetheart. Your mother says you can't have it. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Do you really love it?

So, still no luck on the girl front, huh? I know Dad's been trying to help, and I'm trying to listen to him, but nothing seems to be working. Well, I know I asked him to help, but it occurs to me that you've been taking advice from everyone except the one person who matters.

Chris, this is Barbara, the girl from your class you used to have a crush on. Now, you kids enjoy yourselves, and I'll create some atmosphere. This is a favorite by Men at Work. Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH)

Affirmative action strikes again.

Damn it, Julie! I am not shacking up with my boyfriend. I am just going away for the weekend. Yeah. All the away. WHoo! Oh, Damn, Schneider! What won't you say?

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down?

BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21

Oh, my God. You mean like as in... D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? What's going on? What are you guys talking about? Uh-oh. Someone's getting cranky. I think he needs an N-A-P. What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Lois, I just saw Jessica Alba on television. We've got 90 seconds, let's go! Peter, I'm not in the mood! That's okay. We can do it anyway. Peter, I was assaulted in public because of you! Oh, my God, what happened? I'll tell you what happened. A group of kids attacked me at Costmart because you portrayed me on your show as a raging puppet bitch!

Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh. Hi, Consuela. Hello, Mr. Peter. No school today. So, I bring my nephew Mikey. You want to buy a light-up yo-yo? Well, kind of.

Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high. Now I'm messed up, too. (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.

Hot towel? Yes, thank you. Well, Come on! Ugh! What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover.

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good.

These ones have helium in them, so they're very light.

Oh, my God! Chris was right! Holy crap! Chris, is that thing dangerous? Yes! He's evil! I'm not really evil. (GASPING) It talks! If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything. No, Dad! Don't do it! He's evil! Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding. Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself. (SHOUTING) No!

And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list

W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think. These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver. To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster,

Oh, Sorry, we're out of towels. Uh, Let me get that for you, sir.

Wow! (BELLS JINGLING) That is so cool. What is it? FRANZ: It's a puppet. Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop.

All right, Brian, this one's for you.

or journalists such as myself. You know, I never realized how smooth the skin between your acne iS. Ok, I'll give you a shot. I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor of quahog. You get it and I'll make you a reporter. You got it.

Right after we had that big fight when I said, "I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again. Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason. Either of you guys think it's a little suspicious that Peter took out a life insurance policy on Lois right before she went missing? You don't think...

Dr. Hartman is my only hope, and there's no way he's going to see me. Well, you best come up with something, Peter. Otherwise, this will happen to your prostate. You just carry a picture of a diseased prostate around with you? Never know when it's going to come up in conversation, and then who's the one who's prepared?

I have a set of jacks, a paddleball and this taffy with superglue. Isn't that the little boy who pushed you? Hmm. Yes. You, there. Would you like a piece of candy? (CHOKING)

I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree. Oop! Broke my hip! Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant. You're gonna make the cutest baby Jesus ever.

did you actually sit in the water or was that... Well, that's pretty much all there is to tell, kids. The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you.

Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask. Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this?

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES) (ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Sounds like someone got her vibrator working again. Oh, look out, everyone. Double-digit IQ joining the table. Hey, smarty, think fast. Ah! He knows. He knows it's hot. 'Cause he's smart. I don't want to talk to you guys. You called me an idiot. Oh, Chris, you must have just misheard us. I was standing right there. How is that possible?

With that. Aw, damn it! Ooh! Our first hand off the dirt bike! I guess you're out, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Well, I already paid for that thing, so I'm just gonna stick around and smash other stuff you like. Hey, fat ass, you like...

Oh, Give it to her good, old man! Peter, wait. I--I've been thinking. It's been a long time since we had such a wonderful night. And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together like this if we're raising another child. Well i--I thought, uh, you know,

(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello, Alan Rickman. It's Alan Rickman reminding you to move the pork chops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they defrost properly. Do not disappoint me.

I know you all hate eggplant, but... What on earth was that?

You said The shots were supposed to make me healthy!

So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist. Worth it! (GROANING) You fool!

Sorry, sir, private party tonight. I'm a friend of Dave Navarro's. You're a friend of Dave Navarro's. You saw me here last week. I seem like a cool dude. I saw you here last week. You seem like a cool dude. Move along. Move along, move along.

I'm a fish, you see. I'm also delightfully mad. ahh!

Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger... and bigger and then pops? This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband.

Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket. Joe, you're so funny. Ah, They love that one down at the Precinct. This sucks, Brian. Joe is stealing my thunder. Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! Face it. He's the life of the party.

Hey, boss, it's me. I just spotted those two idiots who borrowed all that money. Yeah, well, now they're strutting around in flashy suits. Don't worry. I'll get that money back no matter what, and for sure I'm not gonna stop first and get some crepes in the lobby. (WHISPERING) Where can I get some crepes? (WHISPERING) Oh, I think they stop serving those at 10:00. Do you know anywhere else that would have crepes?

They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.

You're all here because you've made a choice to renounce your evil, sinful ways, and redeem yourselves in the eyes of your Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who hates many people, but none more than homosexuals.

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there?

This is ridiculous. No daughter of mine is going to be happy. Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk?

Not another welfare scam?

Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself,

Live to see tomorrow October 31, 2011 (GROANS) Where am I? What happened? Oh, Glenn! Oh, thank God you're all right!

Cut my egg! Your eggs are cut, sir. Cut my milk! I can't, sir. It's liquid. Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy for you! Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus.

No, no, just a nice day at the park. I'm a little worried that you're gonna have me put down. I know there's been some concern about my sphincter's low shutter speed. No, no, we're just going to the park, Todd. Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy the ride, then. Around the park one more time, Bitterman.

Oh, I don't want to bother him. Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy!

Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show. Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here. So, Jesus, what've you been doing since you've been back? Oh, you know, just kind of bumming around, playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating a lot of Pinkberry. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (LAUGHING) And I've been sampling the nightlife out here.

DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What? Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing.

What a lively little bugger Maybe we should just unplug her Terri Schiavo is kind of alive-oh The most expensive plant you'll ever see Oh, my God, here comes Jared.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage. You know, maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise.

Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E 'Cause that spells booze And you're gonna lose with Mr. Booze

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no, no. The sign was way in the background. I was standing in the foreground going like this when Jillian took the picture, so by forced perspective, it looks like I'm holding up the whole sign. I don't believe you. I think you are a god. And I will die for you or kill others.

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)

Ugh! What do you want?

Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer!

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Listen, I'm warning you because I care about you. I am going to the press with this story, and when it hits, it'll be bigger than Uncle Sam's nipples. Jeez! What the hell? Uh, they're called nipples, guys. They're freaking huge. You know what? Maybe we can just all relax and enjoy the sauna.

Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch! MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway.

PETER: Brian, look what I found! Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS) Uh-oh.

You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit. There's one right behind me, isn't there?

That's my boy. Now, grab my bacon grease and slather me up some homeys. - What's going on, man? - Wassup, dog. Yeah, where are all the whiteheads at? Brian, we've had some wonderful times. I really like you.

And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.

Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

Bye. JOE: Who was that? Prank call. Yeah, I get a lot of those. I can never figure out who it is. Who is this? PETER: Wheely-wheely stupid head, bet you wish that you were dead. Listen, I don't know who this is, but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know!

First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual. I'm going upstairs to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these! It's not fair, Lois.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING) GIRL: No kidding. He looks weird. What the deuce is all the commotion? All right. Out of my way. Move aside. What the hell is so bloody fascinating? (GASPING) You! Well, well, well.

What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze!

now that you're a hero. Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys. You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back. I'll never forget that. Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work.

God, why does he look sad? STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.

You're exaggerating. Only a little bit, that's the messed-up thing. Morning, Lois. Peter, there you are. Were you down at that hotel bar all night again? I was, Lois. And you know who's staying at this hotel? Nathan Lane! We got wasted at the bar, and he ended up asking me to marry him,

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Boy, we really did a number on each other. You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass.

Jesus Christ has returned to Earth! I can't believe it! The second coming!

(CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it? (SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No. And I'm sorry,

God, it's so damn hot.

Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over. Peter, she knows she untied her bikini.

not being afraid to take everything life wants to throw up on into ya. Wow. I never looked at it like that before. Thanks, Mr. Herbert. But don't you think it's scary to try new things? No, Chris. Life is like a new baseball glove.

Hey, Glenn, great to meet you. John Davidson, host of That's Incredible! Oh, hey, John. I like your work... Not! QUAGMIRE: That was the first time anybody ever used that. First time, I swear to God. Glenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy. I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake. Well, maybe it is.

It will please me. With Stewart out of the picture, this whole playground is under my control. (GRUNTS)

Like that time with Jason Mraz. Oh, my God! You're Jason Mraz! No, I'm not. I'm just some guy with a hat. Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is!

Would anyone like to be impregnated?

Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge? What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here? Oh! Hi, Brian. It was so nice of you to invite your girlfriend over for dinner.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire.

So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable!

Because I... Look at my face. I'm totally serious. Are you totally serious? I'm with you. I'm on the train! Do you have a needle? There's a pin in the sweater. Here. Oh, my God! This is happening! This is really happening! Oh, I think this is going to look so good on me. You know what else? Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles.

No, it's my husband. Well, you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television. Now, get out. Please, Doctor, you've got to help him. You took an oath when you went to medical school. I took a lot of things when I went to medical school. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this.

I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble! (CROWD CHEERING)

There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker. " could be a ditch digger? A motel maid? I could be a hooker? Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker. Wow, Mr. Griffin! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything.

Oh, the swordfish looks good today. I'll have that and start with the caviar. Hey, can I look at the menu? Sorry, Carter. This menu is for members only. The guest menu is on the placemat next to the word scramble. Aw... I guess I'll have the chicken fingers and SpaghettiOs. I'll also have the chicken fingers and SpaghettiOs.

Starring Adam Sandler and... Adam Sandler? Yoo-hoo, Benny! That's my brother on that chariot! I'm driving here! Whoa!

Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Yeah, actually, I do. Are your other senses better on account of you can't hear? Like, can you smell my farts before they even come out?

Yes, I think that would be fine. Get away from my wife, you rascal! Such language in the presence of a lady. If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

No. I don't think so.

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking, and I just don't want to engage. Besides, you can learn a lot from British nursery rhymes.

I missed you so much. Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake? So it's a shouting match you want, eh?

They'll even take it up the nose In Canadian nudie bars You can touch and squeeze 'em They don't even care Would they even dye their pubes to match my hair? Uh-huh Color me there Do like me, say "Oui-Oui" And tell them you're a friend of Bill Maher's

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Hey. Hi. Hey. PETER: Damn it. He already started. If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird. He'll be all done, and I'll still be here. Come on, Peter. Pee. Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal? What the hell's wrong with you? - All set? - Yup.

Peter, what exactly did they inject you with? All sorts of things. Hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids, the gay gene, calcium, a vitamin B extract. - What did you just say? - The gay gene. I assume that's the one you meant, even though it wasn't literally the last thing I said when you said, "What did you just say?" It's just that clearly it was the most unusual.

All you have to do is turn it to 350 at about 5:15. Yeah, okay, Lois. Are you listening? Yeah. What did I just say? Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15. I heard it! All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent.

Didn't know this place was haunted, did you? Peter, take that thing off!

Oh, God. Yes, I love that. Stewie! This is insanity! Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country! Come on, kids. This is treason!

Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that. Yeah, you would have probably been better off. Look, it doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something. No, it's not! Yeah! Are you out of your mind? I mean, what the... I don't understand that. What is that like? You're such a loser. I hate you!

giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums! If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything. I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed!

I feel like a lot of people were looking at me like I was really attractive, which makes me think that I'm gonna grow up to be good-looking. What part of that statement is supposed to lure me into a conversation? I talk to you about wet tennis balls. Oh, come on! STEWIE: We're in a fight!

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up!

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best!

Even you're doing better than Brian.

I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial. Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society. They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take him away. Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it. I threw it away.

It looks like that's it, except for the flight crew. Hey, Hey, Brian. What's with the Johnny Law routine? Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural. Oh, Yeah? How good are you? You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to 2 Filipino women and a man. You mean 3 Filipino women!

It's the eye of the tiger it's the thRill of the fight rIsIn' up to the challenge of our rival

Ok. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal" where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter."

Well, I'm so glad you're alive. Yeah, same with you. - Well, we should probably head home. - Definitely. Um, the only thing is, I'm a little short. Is there any chance you could cover me for the ticket? Let me see how much I have. Good news! I have just enough.

That wasn't me. Stewie was really laying into Meg about something. Yeah, it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie.

When I finally returned to sleep, the waste man came right outside my window. Well, I'll tell you this, Tonick, a little hair from the dog is just what the doctor ascribed. I hear you, friend. Now, let's sit on chairs next to each other and get dick dances.

That's right, I don't want to see any actual True Blood, just boob. Yeah, well, I found some. No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy. Jeez! You should know that, Joe! You should definitely know that! Sorry, Peter.

Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house! Excuse me. We were about to use that.

You're not gonna get away with this, Mr. Googlesearch. Oh, but I think that I will. You two know my secret. I must be sure no one ever finds out the truth. So, what? Are you gonna kill us? Perhaps, Mr. Griffin. I have not yet decided.

Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid. A reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.

But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! Happy birthday!

The world will always welcome lovers As time goes by

Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet." What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... (IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop?

What did you say to me?

No, no, I want to. I want to. In fact, you know, since you guys are already here, I'd like to treat the four of us to dinner. Well, sure, I... Wait, who's the fourth? Oh, my new girlfriend. Here she is. Jillian? Hi, Brian. How are you? Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal?

Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight.

No, Quagmire. We're not asposed to... (GASPING) LOIS: I'm home, Peter! Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin! Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess! PETER: No! You said I could have two friends over. And I didn't. Joe couldn't come.

I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry.

Hey, while I'm at it, give me all these copies of Marie Claire. You know, in case I want to rub out that easy one... before I get Lois into bed tonight. Kathleen Turner's on Page 45. Kathleen Turner, huh? Let's see how she looks. Oh, that's a shame. COMMENTATOR: And now back to The Kids' Choice Awards... with host Paula Poundstone.

It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Wait a minute. Meg, when did you become a teenager? She's 16, Peter. You knew about thiS? Welcome to your new Foster home. Baby Stewie, say hello to your new brothers and sisters.

A ferry carrying a shipment of brand-new Mercedes-Benzes from Germany crashed and sank just a few miles off our coast. Thus far, the cars remain on the ocean floor as the Germans refuse to clean up the disaster. The German Environmental Minister called a press conference to issue the following statement. I see nothing! I know nothing!

See what you've started now? Carter, you found a cure for cancer? Well, I didn't come up with it. A couple of eggheads I hired did. One of them's a Chinese. Boy, I don't like those people. But holy crap, wind them up and watch them go. How long have you had this?

Hey, Peter, isn't that Lois over there in that diner? Nah, What would Lois be doing at a diner? I already ate. Take a look. Oh, my God! That is Lois! Why the hell would she-- Whoa! I can see your skin cells! Oh, hey, I saw your picture on the cover of Scientific American. You looked great. Oh, Please! Where my eyes are, like, half-closed?

Another camper was strangled half an hour ago. But that means... Patrick can't be the killer. That's what I was trying to tell you. Acknowledged. I'm on it. Joe, would you settle a camp argument? Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns.

Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers. There you go. There you go. Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest.

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool.

Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies,

Well, this is the last entry in the datebook. "Super secret meeting at motel. Inform no one." I think we got him now. You know, you really shouldn't lie on that bedspread. I saw this report on TV about how filthy hotel rooms are.

Then I tried music. Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. But then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage.

Mr. Pewterschmidt. Mr. Pewterschmidt! CARTER ON INTERCOM: Go away. But, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you gotta do something. The potholes ain't getting fixed no more. The stoplights ain't working. Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations.

Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion?

Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. I tried to call! I can't get through.

Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.

Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING)

Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade? You know what? Never mind. Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality. Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die. And we're prepared for that.

Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? I think you've had about enough.

Come on, Chris. It's just vodka. Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. Yeah, see? It's good. Well, ok. Maybe just one sip. Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol?

Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like. Whoa, Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal. Hey, Hey, there's worse things than nicotine, pal!

No, no. Just cancel it. Okay, will do. - Who the hell was that? - Hmm? There was another Stewie right there.

Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward. Um, okay. So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.

Doesn't really seem fair. All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway.

I gotta get a Greenstein or a Rosenblat of my very own.

So, listen, if you guys aren't doing anything later, the Chief's throwing me a little party to celebrate my bust. I am going to let Quagmire answer first. Yeah, I'll go. I shall go, too. Great. I'll see you guys tonight. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

(GASPS) Ahhh! (RETCHING)

Peter's being such a jackass. Lois, I think this is more serious than you realize. Don't you see what he's doing? He's just being immature. It's happened before. And it'll pass. Lois, what Peter is doing to you is exactly what Carter did to me for years. He's repressing your Jewish identity.

I plead the fifth of Jack. (LAUGHING) No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink. And have you ever struck your wife? Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride. Are you a violent man? What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch.

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door! I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom.

Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing? This is Lois, Peter's wife. How can I even think about trying anything? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you.

And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists? Look at Julie, Brian. She's absolutely beautiful. (DOORBELL RINGS)

The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey. yeah, That's easy for you to say. You get to keep both your cans. Peter, don't talk like that! You'll see a doctor tomorrow and--

It makes this whole exercise seem less bizarre Than it really is when you actually stand back And examine it with some objectivity Amen PRIEST: Please be seated.

Hey, That's against the law!

Dust in the wind All they are is dust in the wind

Here's your burger, sir. Thank you.

Oh, oh, Good comeback, Potsie! I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do! Look, everybody just shut up! shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up. Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie. Ah, I love you so much.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

There's jugs and mugs of Molson beer In Canadian nudie bars Dirty hos put on shows And a lot of 'em don't have scars They'll even take it up the nose In Canadian nudie bars You can touch and squeeze 'em They don't even care Would they even dye their pubes to match my hair?

Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home,

Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary. Wow, a Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music, so I thought you might appreciate it. You're so thoughtful!

Try to play nice with the other children. What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it!

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian?

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

So you want me to do you in the front.

I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks! Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class.

Who wants to sing show tunes? In old... Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now. Fine.

But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan.

(CHEERING) I did it, Lois! My God, I did it! You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

I mean, Chris is doing better in school. And Meg even went on a date with the announcer from the Super Friends. Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra.

Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. Here's the reaction from city hall. Shocking to say the least.

Well, I went to three stores to find this shirt. (CHUCKLES) Peter, you've got moxie. I like that. Hey, I've got moxie, too! Watch this! Carmen Miranda Carmen Miranda Was she a singer? Was she a dancer? Nobody knows They just remember the fruit Pewterschmidt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit?

(CACKLING) Look what I found.

For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself. I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING)

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie. Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way. Just to check in, make sure everything's going well with you and Brian. It's going kick-ass!

Oh, Brian, there you are. Look, I've been thinking about your situation with women, and I believe I've come up with a way to get to the source of the problem. Follow me. What's going on? Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends!

Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it. I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free!

Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed. Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it. Oh. Well, that's kind of weird.

Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself? Well, Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student- master relationship. Oh, Then allow me. Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois!

Well, what are we gonna do? You know what, boys? Desperate times call for desperate measures. If that stingy old Carter won't give us the money we need, I say we take it from him. Guys, we are gonna plan a robbery. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter?

- Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

(SCREAMING) (GROANING)

Lois! Peter? What are you doing here? I got my memory back, and I love you, Lois!

Listen, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom... so, I'm just gonna.... There we go. Oh, God. Hang on! The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here. I feel horrible, Brian. I put Lois in the hospital, and I lost the kids.

All right, I think we're all in agreement. I'm in charge here.

Hey, cut it out, man.

Ooh it up A party

- What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian!

Yeah, everything's fine. Yes, can I have two tickets? One man and one bitch that needs to do what I say. What? That's not funny, Chris. Here's your ticket. Pick that up! Chris, why are you acting like this? Pick that up and cook it into something delicious or knit it into something that's useful to me!

Keep the change. Road House.

Hello, we are the three wise men. We came here following a star. Those two statements contradict each other.

PETER: And then, all of a sudden, he saw her. Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,

And My best friend is going to incredible lengths to ignore me. Brian, don't let him get to you. Peter, come out of that thing! He can't hear you, Lois. Besides, it's--it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father. I'm sorry. I talked to him. But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it.

I got so caught up in taking down Mayor West that I just lost sight of right and wrong. Thank you, Brian. Well, can I give you a lift home? My cab's right outside. (SHOUTING) (ROARING)

You've got to look your best tonight You tubby little parasite 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it there are things you must do We'll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow

What the hell kind of dog is that? I was going to ask the same thing. That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello?

Whoa! Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad,

That was amazing. Sorry I farted in the middle.

You shall not pass.

My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING) PETER: Brown house.

Yes, "Oliver Twit" if you ask me. I would have done things rather differently, I can tell you that. Please, sir. I want some more. What? Please, sir. I want some more. More? All right! Stop it! Stop it right there!

I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you.

I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do. I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside. And the rest, well... You did all the rest for me.

Actually, would you mind tuning it to 97.1? ANNOUNCER: You're listening to "The Quiet Storm." Up next, the music of the Isleys, Teddy Pendergrass, and right now, here's some Marvin Gaye. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God. You want me to carry your child?

Spencer, I am so over your selfishness. What do you want? I came out to Hollywood. I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind! So, why don't you think before you say things for a fucking change?

We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

O.J. Simpson? Yes. Was this in the news?

Hey, look, kids, it's a re-creation of the lost city of New Orleans. Dad, was there ever a real city of New Orleans? No one knows, Chris. No one knows.

Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell.

(SCREAMING) (HUMMING) Well done, you barnacle-munching scallywiggers.

I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass.

Well, I say it's wrong. These things are part of the fabric of American life. Well, we appreciate your passion but this Congress supports the FCC. Indecency is un-American. Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove to you that that's a bunch of bull. Look around you. The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it?

Good night. Not now, Abby.

That rules. Aw, lucky. But I'm not gay. Okay, I'm gay. (ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil! Neil is such a perfect name for a gay guy.

And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING)

As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana. Good evening, everyone. Our top story, marijuana is now legal. (STAMMERING) Is now legal.

Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!" Play or pass? We're gonna play. Oh, this must be your lovely wife.

Ok, guys. I got another one. What's the difference between pornography and art? Here it comes. A government grant.

Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think? Wow, Joe, where did you get the new legs? Transplant. They belonged to a death row inmate who got the chair. Unfortunately for me, he was also a paraplegic. Guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Lois is the only woman for me.

(SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex?

Penis. (GROANS)

Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E That sure spells booze You will wind up wearing tattered shoes If you mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze

What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

Maybe if we make it mad, it will come down here, and we can catch it and get the finger. Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green. You're the laughingstock of the poop world.

I'm sorry, but your father gets incredibly filthy rolling around everywhere. He just has to take his 12 baths a day.

Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice! I'm here to turn myself in.

Nip nip here, nip nip there And a bevy of porno stars There's jugs and mugs of Molson beer In Canadian nudie bars Dirty hos put on shows And a lot of 'em don't have scars

I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art,

Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!" Play or pass? We're gonna play. Oh, this must be your lovely wife. (CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years.

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No. Yeah, well, you know, take that.

Never gonna give MAN: I didn't like any of that.

I tried to call! I can't get through. The line's always busy! It's ridiculous. You can go wait in the appointment line, then.

Ah, I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway.

(CREAKING) Oh, my God! Carolyn? Cleveland? Oh. Hey, Brian. Close that window. You're letting all the stank out.

I'm probably over the 30-day return limit but, um, i--I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Um, i-It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's just, i--I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh, and, uh, I also left a button on the bureau.

Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot. Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly!

Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me.

Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee!

but am I the only one getting a boner right now? Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn? People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage." - Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there. ANNOUNCER ON TV: ...your shows will appear on "My Playlist." Peter, it's been eight hours,

I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. Sure! What did you learn? This is great.

Okay, Lois. I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter! Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least! Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired. Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know, I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard, and you're in a pillowcase.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) What is it? Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me? Hey, you want a sugar cube, horsey? Oh! God, Brian, don't.

(WIND HOWLING) Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell.

Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. Sperm whales and seamen. A swallow. Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. They've already boarded. (PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, ifl could... I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people... for a pre-determined period of time... based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists.

Stewie, I have a surprise for you. Good as new. Rupert! It's really him. I don't believe it. You... You did this for me? And to help you feel better, I made your favorite dinner.

This is nice, Joe. A night out, a good dinner. Thank you so much. Well, I wanted to do something special. Show you how much I appreciate all the hard work you've been doing. It's been my pleasure. So, listen, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. What's that? Do you ever think about having another baby?

I have to confer with the council of the elders. You wait right here.

(YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her!

And he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer. Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage.

- Gay porn? - No.

Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. Commandment Number 2: There's nothing I can do about the sun. Commandment Number 3: There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. Commandment Number 4: When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right? Now, come on, let's get going.

There's baby clothes, some toys, and some books. Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street. Hey, what's going on? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with you.

You have to talk to these new bosses of yours first thing in the morning. Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with CHRIS. Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Oh! Maybe I can get in on this. It's good to finally be off duty. Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire. Yeah, this is the Air Force graveyard,

You're weak like everyone else. And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now. Stay away from me! Stay away from me! Stewie, no! (ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING ROCKY) And now here's something we hope you'll really like.

You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh!

I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and poop out half-digested mice.

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!

Okay, ready? I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter! I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny. That is funny. And you know what I appreciate about your joke, Peter?

MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot. You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust. QUAGMIRE: That bastard! That was my idea! He stole it! I was gonna do that to my penis! Oh, well, maybe I can do something else.

You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

To us. Meg, if you were any more beautiful, that'd be neat. (GLASSES CLINK) So, what should we do next... (THUDS) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Toby, what happened?

The debate is tonight and you don't seem to have any supporters. Don't sweat it, boys. the Griffin men have always been winners,

Dear God, I'm un-teething. Brian, it appears the flow of reverse time is beginning to affect us as well. What does that mean? It means I'm going to have to relive everything. Every painful, awkward moment. Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke.

Please, you are done here. Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country. Wait, not you five. I'm gonna keep you for an experiment. Ho-ho! Eggs. Who came first, the chicken or the porn star? Ho-ho! The Porn Identity. Who am I? Oh, yeah, the pizza man.

(LAUGHING) (GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!

(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Hi, Peter. Who is this? How do you know my name? Give me back my son! Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law. Carol, how the hell are you?

Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman. "We just want the money." We should've known this weather was coming. There's been three days of thunder. Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets. What are we gonna do? We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house! All right, does anyone have a cell phone? I'm not getting any reception!

You're on. I'll take the Don Martin-looking one.

O.J. Simpson on Spooner Street. Now that's a story I can sink my teeth into. Stick around.

and then she just walked sadly back into the sea.

Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! Why would you do that? 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.

How are we gonna find gauze and bandages in the middle of all this crap? I think he keeps them next to the 1,000-piece puzzle of a lobster trap. I don't see it. You mean, next to the Kadima paddles, or next to the basic black sweatshirt with no writing on it? No, I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail.

Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!

I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I--I need a moment to think. Ok, I'll do it.

You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God. Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!

Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun... PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life,

and honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.

I fell through a trapdoor that led to an underground passageway.

so let's get this done.

He wrote it in a night. Ugh, that's how I feel whenever I see Brad Goreski on Bravo. God, everyone's on Bravo but me. Anyhoo, have you told him how good it is? No. I just read it. He gave it to me 'cause he wanted my feedback. Okay, listen to me. Tell Stewie it's awful, it's garbage.

(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!

can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire? Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Whoo! All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? ahem.

Oh, uh, That laugh's in here, too. See? "Ha ha ha ha ha." Wow, Then it's true. Cool! I get to be black and Irish! Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt! Oh, I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man! Oh, My God! Update! "Exclam"!

Let's see. Makeup, chewing gum, a picture of Meg in a 2-piece swimsuit. Oh! God! I pray this is not my first memory!

Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No. - Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No. If I can get some guys you want to play Red Rover? No. Maybe. You get the guys first. We'll talk about it.

We make holes in teeth!

(GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING) Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.

Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one.

What... What... Ahhh! Ahhh!

No, nothin'. This is nice.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's? I had to book it the day of my ultrasound.

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.

Come on, guys, get him!

Well, You can whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50. No, no. We covered that. You ain't got a chance, Griffin. Daggermouth killed my friend Salty. And he was twice the fisherman you are. And half the weight! tss. Hey! No! No! Hot! He's right, Peter. It'd be suicide to go after that fish.

(GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors. That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?

Okay, here we go.

Okay, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.

The force field is down! Go! Now! I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid,

What if they bury her and she wakes up because she wasn't really dead she was only sleeping? Yeah. That's what happened to our big brother Jimmy. That's why Mom and Dad adopted you.

Well, you at least have to try. And if you don't, I am gonna spend the rest of eternity chuckling at a joke that I am not gonna share with you. (CHUCKLING) Oh, man. What? What's the joke? (CHUCKLING) Oh, yes! What? What is it? (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) You can't say that! But it got said! What? What? By who?

I'm fond of your hair, as well. I'm standing here with Tom Brady and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin. Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete! What do you think of that? (LAUGHING) We're really excited to have Peter. I think he's gonna make a great addition to a great team. I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God.

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird. Take care, you two. May the Force be with you.

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

I'll put us back together at heart, baby don't you forget about me don't, don't, don't, don't don't you forget about me

If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.

and he shall not go unpunished. Now, let's go. I've got it all planned out. I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching. This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa. Why not? Because there's no such...

What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns. (SCREAMS IN PAIN) Wait a minute. Who are you? I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir.

Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? Oh, Lord! Dynomite!

Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news. No, Brian. The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment. I like her.

(SCREAMS) My perfect ass! Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine.

Oh, my God! Then Muriel wasn't the killer. Well, then, who is?

Well, it's a little more complex than that.

That's right. The procedure would kill you. (LAUGHING) That car's getting towed! My God, Dr. Hartman, isn't there any other way? I'm afraid not, Mrs. Griffin.

Well, if this is what you want. Oh, It's probably Connie calling for me. Hello? Oh, yeah. Hold on. It's for Lando. Aloha. No way! Uh, uh, Hold on. I--I'm gonna take this in the other room. I got it!

Stewart, darling. Hello. What? That's how they do it in Europe. Now, get out of here! Go sit in the car and agree with yourself while you listen to NPR.

when Bob has to play Santa Claus. Then, a sniper’s bullet threatens a partnership on an all-new Cagney and Lacey. Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court, fore is in the air when Judge Harry's old high-school flame comes to town. Then, a child 's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker 's life on an all-new L.A. Law. That's Night Court at 8:00. L.A. Law at 9:00.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up. Carl, I'm so sorry. Wow, Meg, you alphabetized all the magazines. Hey, you want a job? What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure. Great. You start tomorrow.

We can't take any more shtick.

if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants Hello?

Look, Rita. I have a confession to make. I met a girl, I had a couple of drinks and I slept with her. You what? I know. I feel awful. It was a terrible thing to do. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. But there's an upside. You see, these past few weeks I've been doubting whether we're compatible. You know, because of the age difference.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it. Oh, crap! Did I miss it? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. Where are you? Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

Hey, Dad, you never did tell us how you got our house back.

How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there. TOM: This major breaking news just in. Nine Southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States. The announcement came from former President George W. Bush,

Hey, Stewie, I need some more money. - I lost it all, Brian! - What? Well, I was on my way to get ice cream and I passed a roulette table, and I put it all on 16 because of that Taylor Swift song, Sixteen. That song is called "Fifteen." It came up 15! Stewie, that was all the money I brought.

Now I can always have the last word. Like that ground-control guy during the moon landing.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah! Excuse me, Your Honor? Yes?

Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.

But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens "I built another identical trillion-dollar space machine "at my own expense on the other side of the world." And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that? Well, I stood up in the theater, and I said, "No! "You can't go into space because the machine "already got blown up by Jake-cockadoody-Busey."

I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris.

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on match.com. There's no way you're a size six. I haven't felt this good in years. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Excuse me, sir. Secret Service.

Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it.

What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.

That's funny. You funny, pointy man. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah. I joke around a lot. Well, I'm enjoying you, too, Jerome. Welcome to the clan. I mean, I'm glad we got to hang. I mean, you're a good negro. - No, I... - Relax, man. I like you, too.

I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone.

and exquisite Cherrywood Manor the palatial mansion of Marguerite Pewterschmidt.

That's odd. I thought that would be big news. You thought what would be big news? Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes! I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume. Ready.

Peter! Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. Holy crap! You're one of them! Peter! Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors. Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar.

Got you! Got you!

Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING) Where the hell is Quagmire? I don't know. He said improv rehearsal at 7:00, right?

Oh! God, Brian, don't. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Get your fat ass back here.

Okay, Meg. Remember our deal. I do this for you, and I have your permission to think about you later tonight when I'm in the tub. Fine, Neil. Awesome! I might even go leftie tonight, stranger in the tub.

Screw you, fish. Oh, I miss you so much. But I promise, one day I'll see you again, Captain Caveman.

All right, son. Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. Right? 'Cause "hurt locker" means some kind of war hero thing, or something. Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is. But... Well, wait, I... I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma.

I think you're the nicest person I've ever met. Hey, baby, you ready to go take a nap? Oh. Okay, Randall. I don't think that guy's right for her. Do you see the way he treats her? - What do you care? - Because I think I'm in love with her. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off.

Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean,

Excuse me, Can you tell me how to get to New York? Sure. But what's your hurry, ma'am? Don't you want to play A little first? Thank you. But I really don't approve of, you know, gambling. Technically it's not really gambling. It's just us trying to rebuild our shattered culture after you raped our land and defiled our women.

I've finally moved on. (BOTH GRUNTING)

What the hell is that?

Go, go, go! Check!

Dad, Meg keeps pushing me!

How come you have a gun?

So... How are things, Dad? Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here.

(SLURRING) You know what we should do? You know what we should do? We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody. Hey, Stewie, wanna go down the slide? STEWIE: Um... What's the matter? You never been down the slide before?

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

aah! God damn it. UGh.

Farming takes incredible skill and knowledge and the sort of specialized experience that takes generations to acquire. Dad, my favorite hen laid this crazy-looking egg! Cheep-cheep.

Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site. Hey, look, it's Robin Williams. (GIBBERING) Black preacher voice. Gay Elmer Fudd. (LAUGHING) The more you hear it, the funnier it gets.

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)

Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God!

I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake. What's Whitesnake? That's the music mommies and daddies listen to. Fire in the hole!

You know, I think Brian may have some inspiration in a cigar box under his bed. I don't know, Lois. I don't think this is gonna work. Come on, we can't give up on our goals. What if Jesus had done that? (CHILDREN CLAMORING) Why is the ironing board still out?

Who the hell do you think you are?

Oh, so your dad gets guys off. (LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. Where's your bag, fatty? You're welcome to search my beef case. But there's mutton in there. (LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. You're in big trouble, mister. Oh! There's no pulling the wool over this guy's eyes. Looks like I'd better go on the lamb. Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like.

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force. What? The dark side. Turn to the... (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) To the... Long day. I will not fight you, Father. Then you will meet your destiny.

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho! Time to lose some weight, dearie.

Oh, my God! We came out of hyperspace into an asteroid field. (ELECTRONIC EXPLOSIONS) Alderaan's been destroyed by the Empire.

Just look at how they built the pyramids. They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling. Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh!

Wow, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by. You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while.

It is. I'm fond of the series, and I wanted the local birds to be aware of that. Well, I'll be on the lookout for Great Tits. Peter! Well, actually, Lois, that's a species of bird that's known to frequent domestic birdhouses. It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse. Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some Great Tits. 'Cause there certainly ain't any in here!

The operation was a success. What are you gonna go by now? Peter. You know, Chris, we'll have to do something about that. But I don't wanna get rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you.

and I got to tell you, I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my life. I don't know who you were when you were drinking, but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are when you're sober. Yeah, you all stopped drinking because you were hurting your loved ones. But you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk. Let's make this our sanctuary.

You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me. All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass.

I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company. D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT.

Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate. intimate. IntiMatE. So we're really gonna live here now? Intimate. That's right, honey.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching?

I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball. I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow. Dad! Wait! You forgot me again! You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. I wonder what came over uS? Maybe people are just naturally violent. I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous.

Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.

A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain

Dad, please don't do this! You can't make him marry me! I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing?

I have to tell you about your future. Peter, Stewie is on the roof. Nick Jonas is so cute. - Hey, Peter. - Yeah. Pillow fight! You bastard! (ALL LAUGHING)

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear.

but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button! (BEEPING) Stewie, no!

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING) Q, R, S, T, U, V Standing here with these kids W, X, Y and Z Waiting for the song to end

I-- I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it. Go, get the ball. I say, are you blind, or just stupid? What do you mean?

Come on. Come on. Go away!

Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward. Um, okay.

Chris, how many times have I told you, no reading during meals. I have a history test today, Mom, and I couldn't study last night because you made us go to the ballet. (PHONE VIBRATES) (CHUCKLES) Yeah, right in her ass.

Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. Is it Alex Karras in Webster? I don't believe it. Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house,

You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the Internet and complain.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful? It's nice they put Joseph in there, even though he's not really the father. Can you just imagine how it was on that special night in Bethlehem?

Wonder what music they're gonna use for her? (FAIL MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) Seems about right.

See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

He's not gonna go through with it. It's a nice family, and the kid'll be better off here.

(GROANING) MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke. I'll never join you. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun.

Sorry. There we are.

(YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word

Mr. Elf? Sir? Hello? Young man? I don't think he even knows where he is. Do you want to just... Yeah, I mean, I'll just try and do it, I guess.

You know, my wife and I are very involved in Planned Parenthood which provides possibilities for people who are underprivileged. Maybe chew your food a little, champ. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Who are all these people?

Hey, sport! How'd you do? I got first place, Dad. Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.

Wow, Pam. Everything smells terrific. Did you make all of this yourself? Yeah, I just got home from work, put down the lawyer's briefcase, and put on the chef's hat. You know how it is. Nah. She don't do nothing.

Lois, I'm sorry. I just... I let my jealousy get the best of me. Jerome's such a cool guy. And I guess I was worried he was cool enough to steal you away from me. You should know better than that, Peter. Now, I think you have an apology to make.

Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't his absence slightly odd? Maybe he's forgotten you Chumba Wumba gobbledy gorse Count yourself lucky

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!

STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING)

Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas.

Okay, okay, I got one. Would you rather have dinner and then sex with Megan Fox's body with Leonard Nimoy's head on it or reroof an entire condo complex by yourself? Oh, boy. Can I close my eyes? No, eye contact the whole time and a lot of kissing. Well, how about Megan Fox's head on Leonard Nimoy's body? I know, somehow that's better.

Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later. Damn rookies. Are all the other men out of the shower yeT? Hey, you, porker. Yes, I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort.

because I really do care about you,

And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35. Peter, I'm 43.

Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir! Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but... Mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.

Good, good, I'm glad you like it.

I'm on the flag-girl squad! Oh Honey, congratulations. Hey, Chris, I bet you can't do this. Ha! I bet I can! We perform at all the football games. I'm practically a cheerleader.

Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just bleed all over the city? Stay with us.

All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

Hey, Paw, you're late. You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull! I came here 'cause I wanted to get Denise back and instead, you ruined my life! These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot. This course is in getting laid, not finding love.

Cool. I'll call you later.

(SCREAMING) I love the time we've spent together, you know that? Hey, Kathy, guess what? I'm out. Under the table right now. I'm out. Peter? Oh, no. What the hell is going on?

Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying! Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite. One is the loneliest number

- Get in there and throw up! - Oh! Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

(CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze. What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!

God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance.

Good morning, family. Hey Lois, you remember when I was the 3rd Hardy Boy? Peter, there was no 3rd Hardy Boy. Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores! - Hey! - ahh!

Brian here has stolen something very important from me. Give it to me, Brian. Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, but he won't release it because it's not profitable. So I stole it. Daddy, is this true? Yeah. So what? So I found the cure for cancer and didn't announce it. Big deal. I also took a dump today and didn't issue a press release.

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick.

(GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye.

Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

Why are we in New York?

Ha! You're mine now, fella! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Dad! Help! Help! Dad! Ugh! You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives.

Miss Eliza Pinchley. Psst! You, Dogbert! Down here! Get a front-row seat for this one. How kind of you all to come.

Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it!

Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!

Okay, well, we have to grab our friend, Peter. He just headed out that way to get help. Oh, that's not good. There's nothing in that direction but wilderness for thousands of kilometers. What? You're kidding. Oh, crap. Peter! Peter, come back! Peter! Peter! Peter! I think he's gone.

Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more. Let me give you a little tip, pallie. The shortest distance between 2 points is the full-body English, high-arcing rainbow shot.

Ok, j-Just to be clear, we were talking about me being in love with you, and you rejecting me, right? Yes. I was just making sure. Say we were both drunk, and--and we knew we wouldn't remember? I'd have to be really, really-- No!

oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs. Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.

Hey, this ain't the way to the rendezvous point.

And go have sex with Quagmire. Quagmire! Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity! (SQUEAKING) Well, of course, Bonnie. I'd love to help. Thank you so much, Lois. No problem.

Why wouldn't you look at me during?

Nag, nag, nag. Sometimes I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party. Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home. Wow, strange lady. You're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois. Peter, it's me. You know what? Screw it.

(GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.

PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games! Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Look, I may have been a little rash. Our ratings have dropped 50%. Whatever suggestions you have, I'll listen. And so, gentlemen, in baseball, three strikes and you're out. But three Lucky Strikes... And you're in. Nice try, Don.

Give me that. Why are you calling me at home? I want to hear you breathe. Breathe into the phone for me, Griffin. What? Shh. Don't talk, just breathe. It turns me on. (SNORING)

making him a hero. Everybody clear? Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate. Hey, can you help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat. What's moose stuff?

MAN #1: Are you sure we don't need a condom? MAN #2: No, it's okay, I'm a lawyer.

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD)

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynecologist.

Ding. Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT? I'm busy. Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you.

Lois, can we go now? I'm starving. The game's almost over, Peter. Try to think about something else.

What the hell? - Those men are tremendous in stature. - And they're coming straight at us! Oh! (YELLING)

you've got a gay. Not this time, nancy-boy. Well, that was interesting. I also have My Giant with Billy Crystal.

Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall! Oh, hey, I meant to ask you did you ever find out what that button on my bureau was from? Oh, yeah. Chris' denim jacket. Ah! I like that jacket. It looks good on him. Ok, then. So, we'll keep in touch? Sure. Well, I have your address. See ya!

Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my...

Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.

Fair goddess, it is my hope that you will agree to be my wife, but the choice is yours. If you say "no," I will have you flown back to your family on our private jet. But if you say "yes," I will spend the rest of my days making your every wish come true. Will you be my wife, Princess Meg?

He's a family guy

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS)

I'm sorry you missed it. Yeah, no, that's okay. I've just been hanging out here having a great time with... - Meg? - Hey. I thought you was a bag of peeling potatoes.

Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris.

Here are the American spies we captured, Mr. Prime Minister. (GASPING) (SIGHING)

PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second? (GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.

(CAR HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECH) Oh, my God! Are you all right? I'm fine. Lucky for you, this tree was my destination. And the job exchange begins. (CHIRPING) Sir, do you want to move ahead on the agreement with the sanitation union?

Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off. (BEEPING) What the hell? Oh, my God! We're going down. (ALL SCREAMING)

What's moose stuff? Whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake.

I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know? We wrote a pretty big check for you folks here, so... You know, whatever. It's fine. It's fine. Doesn't matter. Just... I just hope you're making the best of what we gave you here. I would say that given the events that preceded it, the couple 100 years or so, maybe we're about even. Yeah, no, no. We gave more.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Oh, good night, honey. I love you.

(ALL CLAMORING) Whoa! Whoa! Copernicus, why don't you navigate yourself to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt?

Just taking it all in. You're staring at my daughter's bedroom. She's really grown into her body. This is gonna be a fun summer for her.

Donnie Johnnie, Philly Mikey Tommy and Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask. Could you... - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool. I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her...

My whole crew is black and blue Can't you take a clue? You may think I look great But I'm 28

Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends. Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian...

And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!

Where's my money? Where's my money?

Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second? Yeah. What's up, Eric? Everything okay? Yeah. Just come into my office. Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food. What? She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich. Come on, dude!

Hurry it up! (HORN HONKING) Wait a second. Now get in line, you! Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field. But, Dad, we've been plowing all morning. Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk. Look, I know it seems like dirty work,

Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.

Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

(INAUDIBLE) - We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic. You know what the worst part is? All I wanted was for my dad to tell me he loved me.

(LAUGHING) FUAD: Is funny because they all do!

We like being alive, we like being alive We like being, oh, we like being, oh, we like being alive I guess it's their time. I don't wAnna wait For our livEs to be over Boy, miss jacobs, for a teacher, you sure make love good.

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop! Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. It sure is! Fonzie be praised! All right, Dad. Two days ago, this was an old barn.

Dad! Dad! What?

(GROANING HESITANTLY) Okay, just the sticker then. So what do you say? Is it a deal? You don't have to sell out like this, Brian! (INHALES DEEPLY) (HALTINGLY) Your novel is good enough to be published on its own merits. You think so? Yeah, you bet. This is your shot, Brian. You can be a superstar author.

so he actually appointed us honorary spies in a special ceremony back in the '80s. Dan, Chevy, you are hereby named honorary spies for the United States of America. Thank you, Mr. President. Thanks, Dutch.

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!

This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow! Relax. The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here!

Or... I don't know, man, but you're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean. Or else... Or I would stop you. For God sakes, help! Do something! If you don't like starfish, you're gonna be mad about what I just did! Oh! God, help!

what might not be okay with it.

You know, I'm up for this, but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.

I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk, decoys, Lois, decoys!

Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame? Uh, well... You see... We...

Can't you just come in here?

Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

At my signal, unleash hell!

All right. Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, 'cause you sex me up. Now, give me some sugar. Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat? We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box. Hop in.

I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's just as fun. All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you!

The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah! Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

Well, look at it this way. You may have lost Jillian, but you can at least be happy that she's happy. Plus, you can always call Lauren. - No. I can't. - Why not? She's never gonna speak to me again. I gave her worms.

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me. Good, Chris. I've taught you well.

God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?

Mom! Hi! What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I've been waiting out here for hours! What? You were supposed to pop inside real quick and find someone who looked enough like me so I could use their I.D. And then you were supposed to come out and give me the I.D. so I could get inside.

and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part 4.

Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert.

See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver. Ah. Are you kidding? You can borrow whatever you want. Great. Say, you don't happen to have any picture wire, do you?

And people walking by Can stop and look at my thing Oh, this is one fine day Liberal chubby chaser! (LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself... (SHOUTING)

Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh? (IMITATES FANFARE)

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

Oh, crap! All right. Let me handle this. You were going 65, fella. That's 10 miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand? We met on the Internet. Shut up! Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories. Officer, you ever hear of that super industrial adhesive?

Oh, Man. I hope this works. Otherwise,

Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy!

Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad.

Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade?

(GASPING) You! Well, well, well. If it isn't my half brother Stewie!

No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah.

Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

Ahh! There he is. Hands up, Griffin. You're coming with us. H-h-hang on. I want to see what they do with this jackass. Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good.

Chris, if I... Senator, let me finish. My forehead, my rules. Let's go to Los Angeles. Big actor, played the father in That '70s Show, Kurtwood Smith. How's it going, Kurtwood? Good. Thanks for having me. Quagmire, it's so awesome that you could come over after work today.

You ready for the day, sweetie? STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat.

Hey, Way to go, Stewie. All right, Chris. I'll see you a fork and raise you A gravy ladle. You're on! So, you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg. Yes, yes. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call. All right. Saltshaker up the nose.

it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me?

Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Well, that's what I tried to tell you, but you were as stubborn as a pigeon at an ad agency. (CHATTERING INDISCERNIBLY) Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, these are all good ideas, but I think what people really get excited about is dropped museum popcorn. But this is an ad campaign for a Nissan SUV.

I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him. As she retarded? Can you please leave now? Oh, now I get it, she's a moron. But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts. Shut up. that's not it at all.

Well, just make sure you are. That ship's gotten me laid a bunch of times. Hey, hey, hey, girls! Anyone want to make the Kessel Run? That'd be cool, but we only got 12 parsecs.

Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog? Well, a stray.

Okay, okay, I got one. Would you rather have dinner and then sex with Megan Fox's body with Leonard Nimoy's head on it or reroof an entire condo complex by yourself? Oh, boy. Can I close my eyes? No, eye contact the whole time and a lot of kissing.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. This is hot! Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like!

Oh, nothing. He just thinks you're a bad influence on me. (LAUGHS) Thinks I should stop seeing you. He does? How dare he? Babe? Babe? Don't worry about it, all right? Stewart, do you love me? More than anything! Then swear on that love that you'll do what I ask. Just name it. Kill him.

I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat.

Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High. They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo! Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

Well, I just called Brian. He's gonna watch the kids till we get back. When will our passports arrive? Check back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks? But I have a baby at home!

You still got that bag I gave you? Man, I wish I could listen to some Tatooine, Wind & Fire right now. Hmm. So, you think the Empire's gonna fall, man? (STUTTERING) I don't know, man.

Came back 45 minutes later, it was gone. Yeah, even school's getting more dangerous. The bullies have been so busy, they're outsourcing their bullying to India. MAN ON PHONE: Okay, do you see the back of your underwear in the mirror? Yes. Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great.

Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones. (SIRENS WAILING) NARRATOR: Amazingly, this drunk driver turns left into oncoming traffic. He narrowly misses hitting a pedestrian, who jumps out of the way just in time.

It's great, Mom! I got powerful connections now, thanks to Grandpa. Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher. Dad, you...

Excuse me, how much is it to rent a helicopter? It's $10 an hour. But there's a $100,000 deposit. Oh, God. Looks like we're walking. Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune. Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant.

I have a copper deficiency. Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before. But this is a great chance for us to start over. No, it isn't! You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me! You go to hell! - Hi, we're on the list. - Names?

Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country! Come on, kids. This is treason! Oh, For God's sake, Peter, make an example of her! Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post.

(EXCLAIMS) (GASPING) (PANTING) I can't finish! You have to! How would we explain it half-eaten?

What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Oh, this is bogus!

Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open!

You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here. All right, then, it's settled. I'm gonna do this.

And why the hell should we trust you? Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years. I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner. Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart.

I want you to get rid of all this right now, because I am never fighting again. Ever! Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan "B."

She was suicidal. She was?

(FLUSHES) (HISSES) (SIGHS) Get out!

Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night? All right, tonight's selection, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Now let's all sit down and take our headache. Or we could watch The Cove. The Cove? Isn't that that horrible documentary where they kill all the fish? Dolphins, actually.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! All right!

What? You are not performing an exorcism on my baby. Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force. No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp.

You'll never know just how much I care Yeah! And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you

What was that? What did you just write there? Give me that! "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" Oh, I'll give you something to write about! Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya!

What are you looking for? I'm expecting a very important package.

Hi, Brian. How are you? Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal? Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh! Okay, let's have dinner, huh? So, how did you guys get together?

More like T.P. Party. Toilet paper. I don't know what happened, Brian. Not having a government worked great in Somalia,

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents.

Oh! I don't want to hear anymore! So, how're your studies going? They're going pretty good. School's good. What's your favorite class? What was your favorite class? Okay, let's say it at the same time and see if they're the same. Okay, one, two, three. - Hist... Math! - Math! Oh, my God, we have so much in common!

Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter. There you are. I can't turn my back on you for a second. Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device. And when I do, Mother, victory shall be-- Peter, you had us so worried. What on earth were you trying to prove?

Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois.

All right, a bike! I'm out of here! Now, son, Your parents are on their way. But since time is a factor here, we'd like to get a positive I.D. as quickly as possible.

We'll get Lois dowN. Locked and loaded, Sir. Wait. You can't shoot my mom! Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go!

Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas.

taking all the good jobs away from Americans. Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on. We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh!

(LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass!

Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better.

Good. I'm just gonna have to reschedule my weekly re-circumcision.

Hi, Peter. I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight.

Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech. But, Peter, what about your son? So Stewie had a puff. He's old enough to make his own decisions.

I wonder what came over uS?

Huh. That was easy.

Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing. Oh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl.

Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. (PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.

This is an Action News 5 News Break. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00. if you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00.

Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!

(PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung.

Enough of this crap.

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here!

Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust,

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!

You're my family? That's right. These are your children. Dad, I'm Chris. I'm your son.

I got a surprise for you. Doritos! Huh? Not now. Later.

Oh! Oh, God! I just threw up in his lung! Look, I know it's gross, but when y-you're desperate and you're staring death in the face, you have no other choice but to-- Oh, There's a Comfort Inn. Really? Yeah. Good luck for us, huh? You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy.

Ah, What a gorgeous day. Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter.

West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four.

My name is Chris. Well, Chris, puppetry is a wonderful art form. You can create an entire world right before your eyes and watch it come to life. Wow. What's that one over there? Ah! That is a work in progress. It is waiting to become anything we wish it to be.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem? Ah, damn! Which one's the Chinese one?

I feel like having dream diarrhea. Last night? (SCOFFS) Where do you think y'all are going? Says here you got another 30 days on your sentence. What? But the court said we're supposed to go home tomorrow! Well, the court ain't here, is it? (LAUGHS) Oh, man, how the hell are we gonna do this for another 30 days?

I don't feel so good.

Guys, guys, guys, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I think that was me. (EXCLAIMS) Well, there's only one thing to do now. Go to plan B. Mom!

and America's Funniest Home Videos buys you a shrimp cocktail? Get lost. If I give you $5,000, will you tell me I matter? Oh, there's my little angel! Here, let me get that for you, sweetie! Thanks, Dad. Wow, Peter, I gotta say,

Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that.

Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America.

I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM)

Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i... I--I don't see any reason to--to throw it out. It's... The waist is still fine. You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy.

Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God! Is this what you're looking for?

That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it!

Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'll trade you this for your cupcake. What? It was just Carpet Fresh. I'm on your side. I've been observing your behavior, and I don't think you're an addict. I think you're an idiot. Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips.

Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal as the holiday feeling was filling us But now instead all we're feeling is dread because Christmastime is killing us

Toby, I can't believe you took my kidney. You bastard! Sorry, Meg. Black market organs are big money and I promised my bosses a fresh kidney. No hard feelings. Wait! You also made a promise to me. You promised we'd spend Valentine's Day together.

- Hey, wake me up in 15, will you, babe? - Fine.

Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade. Are you as excited as I am, Tom? Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood and clipped onto this piece of wood is a list of this year's float entries. Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam.

"Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?

I filed down a toothbrush to a fine point and stabbed the guard with the most kids. - What? - I'm just kidding. Oh. I'm still getting used to your sense of humor. Actually, there was a riot in the prison yard and I slipped over the fence. Well, quick, get in here before somebody sees you.

I see a woman draining your bank account and running off with a real estate agent.

Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out! (CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

How kind of you all to come. Oh! Magnificent! I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie?

Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days.

Get him, guys! Stab him in the butt!

Well, I guess if you can't earn your kids' respect, you can always buy it. (ALL LAUGHING) There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all. I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust.

Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man. MADAME CLAUDE: And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved, and the timing was good because his new wife was a pain in him ass.

Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen...

Neil Armstrong! Stretch Armstrong!

This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool! Wait. What are you doing? They're sleeping in here. Oh, please. They get so doped up on sleeping pills and liquor,

In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial?

where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing. Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that. I just think, you know, I just think, "Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do.

I'll always be Scottie Pippen to his Michael Jordan. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan! And Scottie Pippen. MAN 1: He's also good. Why didn't they do Jordan last? MAN 2: Alphabetical? MAN 1: Oh, right. That's smart.

All because I can't afford to get our new car fixed. Why don't you just get another new car? Why don't you try a breath mint, saucy? I'm just saying that me and my associates will steal your car and, uh, ipso facto, your insurance company will buy you another one. Peter, you don't want to get involved with the Mob. Who are you? Who are you?

Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks. My God, she's incredible. Rupert, I must bring her back to the present and raise her to be my wife.

You're about to be yesterday's hopscotch chalk on a sidewalk, Stewie! Erased! Yeah, no, I got the metaphor, but, Bertram, if you erase me, you'll destroy the universe!

Stewie, step aside. Penelope, I can't let you do this. Stewie, she's one year old. I think I can handle this myself. (EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in.

Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming.

I just was thinking about Tyra Banks. (EXCLAIMS) Can you imagine? Every night! Don't shake my hand. You ain't got no hand! You a little truck.

Well I just wanted to let you know there's a rebel fleet massing at Sullust, and I think they're going to invade or something. You made sure there wasn't a hole in the Death Star this time? Yeah, like I'm gonna do that twice! (STAMMERING) You... Shut up, mister! Gosh almighty! But, you know, it might be something to be concerned about. It's of no concern! The rebellion will soon be crushed,

He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie! Mr. Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are--

Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys? And a little thing that says, "I support the troops." 'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys. But I don't have any change on me right now. Well, all that matters is that my boy is home. Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie.

Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets. All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him. Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh. Peter, you take that thing back where it belongs immediately.

We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this?

Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe.

Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me? Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Hey, How old is this T.V.? You can probably get the DuMont Network on this thing.

I told you not until you sing.

What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.

I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Yeah. How did you do that? I watched In The Cut. Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks. Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you. What are you doing? Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding. No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you!

Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me.

Listen, I think you're a real nice guy, but I've just decided to go with another paper. Hello there, Kyle. You look nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Here's your paper. What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd!

My birthmark makes it kind of tough. Always caused me problems at my old job. And that'll do it for us here at Channel 12 News. Make sure you turn those clocks ahead. Good night, St. Louis. Yeah, I don't know, I was never that crazy about the moustache. Well, I suppose I could lose it and just use more makeup. Yeah, that'd be cool.

God, you sound like a robot. Brian, AA is the only way out for these people. Millions are saved every year by the program. Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA. Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion. I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to.

You bastards come into our village, and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!

You've really got to stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves.

That's right. I'm your daddy. Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders. (SOBBING) I don't know how it got like this!

(ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)

I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible. So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't. - Is that Ziggy? - No.

Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious.

Fuck, yeah! Peter, how are we gonna get past the guard? Lois, I think I just got an idea. You see that guy with the overcoat? He's tall enough for us to sneak in behind him, come on.

Peter-- Kichwa! I'd like to have a word with you. Peter, I think-- Kichwa!

Hmm. Sounds sexy. What are the symptoms? What are the symptoms? Take a look! He's growing nipples all over his body! They look like pepperonis. Who do you think you are? My son happens to be very sensitive about his extra nipples. See, look. They're coming right off. Nipples shouldn't just come off like that.

I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign. Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo. He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then that's the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter.

And then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn. I love you, too, insane-woman-I'm-having- second-thoughts-about. What? All right.

Leave fart in closed car like a dick. BRIAN: Sorry about that! All right, they're probably holding her below deck. You take the right side. I'll take the left. You're gonna need this. What? I've never killed anybody before. Relax, they're Arabs. People will still be rooting for you.

You know, I have to admit, before this Muriel thing I actually thought you might be the murderer. Oh, my God, so insulted. Trust me, if this were my work, it'd be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods? How?

Okay. Well, I'll go pick some up. Thanks, Brian. I love you. And if you're going out, get some milk of magnesia. Yeah. You just said that. (GIGGLING)

No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto...

I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore.

Come on. Come on. Go away!

Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. Okay. Okay, let's do it. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

You two meet at a Mensa meeting? No, at a Quiznos. We both ordered the Turkey Ranch and Swiss, no onions. Can you believe that? No. Wow! What are the odds? Well, hey, what are the odds of finding true love anywhere in the world, says this observer. Hey, you want to know something cool?

Boy, can she kick, but she left here spotless.

Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely. Oh, Stewie. Yeah. Look at the mess you made.

Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips? Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it. You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull. Uh, I'm not breast-feeding. All right, fine. God, you're pushy. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck. Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance. What's wrong with you? Look at me, everybody.

But where are those good old-fashioned values

I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? You've had this since 1999? You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? It's a song about dogs and letting them out. I could have you arrested for breaking in here. Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine. Why the hell would you keep it buried like this? I'll tell you why.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

But it seems pornography has finally found its way to our neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you!

I thought for sure you'd be making eggs Benedict Arnold. (SNICKERS) Brian, stop writing jokes for Peter. And, Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows. Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great.

Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that? You better play ball or we'll find someone else who will. I'll play ball.

We set a cap, you jerk. Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch? Peter, what are you angry about? You get to go on a cruise with me.

Sure. Whatever you say. Um, Fonzie?

Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life? Okay, Charmese, here we go. Are you sure you want to watch this? I'm just warning you, you're in the splash zone. If I get anything out, I'll be happy. Get on with it. Uh, okay.

James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!

Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Whoo! All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her.

The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm. We don't know anybody there." No, Brian, you have to give Mary some attitude. Look, you do my line and I'll show you. (SIGHS) "Mary, would you like to..." Without the sigh in front of it, please.

EZEKIEL: Griffins! (CROWD CLAMORING) What's going on here? Your family must leave our community and return to the outside world. Dad, what's happening? I thought you talked to him. Sir, please, whatever your quarrel is with my husband, I'm sure it's probably justified, but I'm begging you,

We made it. Yeah, we made it.

No! Jungle gym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes?

Hello, I'm Helen Dougan. My husband had filled out an organ donor card before he passed away, and a woman just lost her face in a freak accident. Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

(THUDS) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Toby, what happened? Oh, I just harvested your kidney. (GASPS) Look at the size of this scar. Sorry. It's my first day on this job.

I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money. Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you.

Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty. Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

(SPUTTERS) Arrest him! Arrest all three! These filths are making a mockery of our Reich. Execute them. Unless... Unless what? Unless they can sing a charming musical number.

"M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo - Here's to Peter getting his fingers back. - Thanks, Joe.

And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop. (GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell?

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I know the waitress here from water aerobics. She said she'd give us 20% off. All units, all units. PETER: We have a disturbance at the Fuzzy Clam. This is Officer Swanson. What's the problem? Well, one of the dancers was dancing with a guy and saying, "You're my favorite, you're my favorite," but now she's dancing with another guy.

Can I call the Herculoids for a reference?

Peter, can't you just use Sock Lois tonight?

Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

I'll do to him what I did to the Riddler. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. How could this have happened?

Um. There's not really a wolf. What? Tell my kids I love 'em. Charlie! Charlie! (WAILING) This was so funny in my head when I planned it.

You mean like this lamp? Well, Yeah. Ok. The lamp gives us light. I get it. And your family gives you love. You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me. Wha-What could me and you do together?

Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!

Darren Mitchelstork. Yup, he's the chairman of the soccer ball team. Well, all right. Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg. (LAUGHING)

God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them. Get out of here. Scat! Man, they're gonna be so good at swinging bar-to-bar when they invade. Wow, Quagmire, how did you build that part so fast?

I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter!

Okay. (BOTH MOANING)

Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change! NARRATOR: We now return to Ellen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking. So, you want to hear about my movie? I had a great weekend. We spent three months shooting in Louisiana. I danced all over my house. And it's a thriller. It's really a love story, too. I try to dance in every room at least once a week.

Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working!

Brian, I think my jaw is falling off. (EXCLAIMING) Stewie, what is happening to this thing? Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian. I've been having some trouble with mine, too.

Go, go, go, go, go... Aw! He so should've died. This is bullcrap. Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping. Hey, Lois, when are you gonna do the laundry?

GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

It's all right T, they're with me. Hey, JC. What's up? You guys are good to go. Thanks, man. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Wow, a Paris Hilton party. Oh, this is so cool. Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'.

Go! Oh! Oh! aah!

Cut the umbilical cord!

I don't know. Are we allowed to have a different view? Look, Brian, I know where you's at. I fought it at first, too. But you need to realize you don't have all them answers. But if you work the program every day, you'll find results. God, you sound like a robot. Brian, AA is the only way out for these people.

Brian, this isn't working. What do you want me to do, Stewie? It's late. Everybody's stopped giving out candy. Well, then let's get my candy back, Brian. Let's track down the punks who stole it and make them pay. Look, Stewie, I don't think that... Brian, please. This is my first Halloween, and... And it's ruined. All right, all right, fine. We'll look for them.

All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey, Give me my purse, you psycho! Let's see. Makeup, chewing gum, a picture of Meg in a 2-piece swimsuit.

And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Ptew! Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb. What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me!

Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry.

but am I the only one getting a boner right now? Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn? People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage." - Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there. ANNOUNCER ON TV: ...your shows will appear on "My Playlist." Peter, it's been eight hours, and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire.

I had that for breakfast!

Can I help you, Edward? Yeah, I'm here for the early bird special. Are those new slacks? What's that now? Are those new slacks? I got these on special at Caldor. Who drove you there? My nephew. Oh! That was nice of him.

Hi, Kyle. Mmm. Well, listen. It was wrong of you to steal my customer away from me. And I want him back. Oh, yeah? (BOYS LAUGHING) Look, Griffin got his ass kicked.

Crap! Crap! Crap! (WOMAN MOANS) Oh, crap.

Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex? No! But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact?

Peter, we've got to put that out! Ow, ow, ow, ow... I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes. These bluebeards still treat me like scum just 'cause I'm not loaded. I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room. Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow.

I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter."

Where am I? (SINGING UPBEAT SONG) (SCATTING) Get out of here.

(CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.

- Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me?

No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Hey, I recognize you from the television. You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

Ever since that mega-mall opened across the street... it's been taking away all my business. They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants... 53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch. I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with that? You need to fix the place up.

It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Would you like to watch My Friend Who Sticks His Penis in a Pie? Look, I don't care what day it is in Mexico, in America we work on weekdays.

It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it?

T-R-E-E. Tree. Correct.

Lots and lots of fish, i--i guess, I guess, would be the main bullet point of this presentation. Jeez, where is this Pelican's Reef? There. But beware, no man has ever returned. Many have gone. All have been lost. Vanished, never to be seen again.

But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past.

(LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)

You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

What? But, Carol... I'm so sorry, Adam. (SOBBING) (SOBBING) I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man.

Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on? Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you. Hey, when you're beautiful, doors magically open for you. Actually, it opened because you stepped on that black rubber square. Of course, if that wasn't there, it would have opened anyway because you're beautiful. Wow!

About anything. (SIGHS) Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse. Good. This family works much better when we're unified. You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now.

There's my little Lois. What? Lois?

I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century ecumenical body... "that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." I think that was the Council of Trent. You could not be more wrong. The answer is Phyllis Diller. Peter, you're reading the pink-- My turn.

Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son!

hamburgers, French fries, Cokes. (CHUCKLING) You kids don't know what I'm talking about. I love how all the servers look like celebrities from the '50s. Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, and look, there's James Dean after the accident. Let me tell you about tonight's specials.

Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday. You giving me credit? Yeah, I just told him. I'm the one who told him.

I say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts, and lifting our huge triangular iron weights! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup! Dad, I don't like running. The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears. Hey, a Twinkie!

What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey!

(MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart.

Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.

i say! It's 4:00. Away with you! Stewie! Change it back!

oh, Great. Is there a problem, Officer? Can I see your license, boy? "Boy"? Oh, God. Uh... I left it on my other collar. You been chasing cars tonight, boy? Look, the name is Brian.

Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

This looks like a safe place to rest. (DOGS BARKING) OFFICER: I think he went this way! Peter, close the card. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine. (GUNSHOTS) (CLEVELAND SCREAMING) Here, Peter, why don't you open my gift? Ohhh! Zales! It's just the box, Peter. Tickets to Foxy Boxing?

Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video!

I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. Oh, god!

(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)

Fingernails4cash.com Fingernails for cash Remember it's just fingernails So don't expect much cash Fingernails4cash.com Our service never fails Just take the cash And don't ask why

That's not true! Biscuit loved all her puppies! Biscuit! Brian, your mama gave you up because she thought you'd have a better life if she let you go. Was she right, son? Do you have a good life? Yeah. I--I really do. I have a great life. Would you like to see her?

All right, this is it. Shuttle Tyderium requesting deactivation of the deflector shield. Shuttle Tyderium, transmit the clearance code for shield passage. Transmission commencing. Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid. Vader's on that ship. Don't get jittery, Luke. There's a lot of command ships.

Where's your bag, fatty? You're welcome to search my beef case. But there's mutton in there. (LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here.

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)

Peter, she has to leave. We're having dinner. No, Lois! I will not allow you to look down on Amber just 'cause she goes to an alternative high school! There's different ways to measure intelligence besides someone's grade-point average!

Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.

(TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Stop it! You stop it! Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world, and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention! How can you allow this? Robin Williams has given us nothing but joy! I wish everyone was Robin Williams! (SCREAMS)

You know, Brian, sometimes I don't believe I know you. That's not it at all. I happen to think Loretta is very beautiful, with her sassy wisdom and speed-bag arm fat. Hmm. I guess at the very least,

Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun. E-e-Everybody does it. E-Everybody I know-- Shut up!

My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy!

One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face. Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and hotels up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer! And 19 of us are not.

He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards. Some will win Some will lose

Jim. Your name is Jim.

Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home. Don't look, Marion. Okay. By the way, I'm pregnant. Maybe just one quick peak.

I can't believe I'm a celebrity now. I might hit someone with my car on the way home just for kicks. Well, I have a feeling you're gonna be a big star here. (PHONES RINGING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (SEDUCTIVELY) What am I wearing? (CHUCKLES) Nothing at all, sweetheart. Wait a minute.

It wasn't my fault. (CRYING) You weren't there for me. Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay. Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years, but that's gonna change.

Stuff it in the waste tube. (SCREAMING) (SIRENS WAILING)

Just like a poop on a plate, right? Poop on a plate would be good, because at least there'd be traces of my food still in there. Oh, snap! Snap! Snap! Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right? Here it is, gang. Seared ahi tostadas, grilled asparagus, couscous, and for dessert, molten chocolate lava cake.

Ok, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow, and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. Ahh! Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin.

No, that is a myth. Peter, you were the founder of Quahog. I see... I see England a long time ago.

This here is our living room... PETER: All right, you guys, I've got a few porn scenarios for you to choose from. Hey, everybody. Got a pizza delivery for this sorority house. Did somebody order sausage? (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

and then you come in here... You're a bastard. Where are you going? I'm going to expose Mayor West as the corrupt politician that he is. I'm on my way to meet a source who won't talk to me over the phone. Ooh! Scandal in Quahog. Count me in. Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up.

(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch!

Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

Okay. Okay. "Nanny wanted."

Wow. You went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself. I went to Brown. My incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown. What year did you graduate?

Is it pixie dust or-- or leprechaun tails? No, it's a tumor. You mean like a magical Christmas tumor? No. A malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain. Oh. Like a happy, special-- You're going to die. Hey, everybody. Guess what I am?

My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know.

I have to remain superior, so I bred out some of the intelligence, made him sort of a simpleton, you know? I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend?

Oh, my God. That does look like Peter's handwriting. (GASPING) There's no doubt anymore. Peter murdered his wife. This is fantastic! I'm completely off the hook. What the hell?

There's the guy who sits beside you And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list And the smarty on Thanksgiving Who says it's the tryptophane

Wait here at the gate. I gotta run a quick errand. Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces?

So, as far as Peter knows, he's about to cheat on you? - Lois, you got to draw the line here. - I know. There's a lot of crazy things I'll let Peter get away with. I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase. Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. Go force!

Oh, Peter. I think it's a wonderful idea. Why haven't you sent for help? I can't believe you guys want to have another kid! Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock.

Nobody can. It's inhuman! All right, come on, let's get out of here! Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer! Look, they're all eating each other, anyway! (SNARLING) Besides, we don't need 'em. I made a few modifications. Hang on.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find assault rifles? Aisle six. How about a list of known local homosexuals?

I can't believe he did that! Go souter! Go souter! Go souter! Go Souter! Ohh! I can't believe he did that! I can't believe he did that! This guy is so in! Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance.

Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

you better pay the proper tribute. All right, that is it! I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else!

Move that bus! (CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him!

It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful! You're not welcome here! Go away! Wow, Chris. Did you lose weight? Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out. Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.

Peter, what the hell is that all about?

What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on. Mmm-hmm. The black dolphins. See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down. I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson.

Well, I'm not Yoda. Okay, I'm Yoda. You're Yoda? You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force.

Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one. H-Hello? Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her! Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok?

Oh, hey, I brought you something from da Vinci's workshop. A candle? I can get a candle now. You couldn't have grabbed me one of his original notebooks? You know, I didn't have to bring you back anything. It's almost like you didn't.

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it? Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope. Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Wouldn't dream of it. Too kind, really, I insist. Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time. Join us same time tomorrow, if it's not entirely inconvenient for you. If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance. This has all been an imposition. I'm so dreadfully sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everyone!

What, Are you crazy?

Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check.

Add Momma to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo, and, w-what was the 3rd one? Uh, You've Got Male Genitalia. You know, I was asked to star in a porno once. Yeah, but I couldn't. 'Cause, you know, most of my body is less than 18 years old. I used to guest host The Tonight Show.

All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get $100 toward a boob job that you desperately need.

Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld!

I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.

Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh?

Yeah. That's right. Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag! Get 'em! I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not.

Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!

What a woman. To think Canada's got her, and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.

You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Oh, um... I think he got up early. He, um, said something about a fat kid rally at Little Caesars. Huh! It's not like Chris to miss breakfast.

Daddy, now that I've finally passed my driver's test can I still get a convertible? No. But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart. And I'm proud of you, Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson.

I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Oh, It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something. Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Well, sure.

Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it! Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw. Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Ah, there you are, boys. Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

We should march in there and remind them that they have wives. Especially if they have food, because bar food is so overpriced. Man, who invited Anne Frank?

Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward. It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it? What the hell?

You can burn in hell.

Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok?

Oh... I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lois. BOTH: Mmm... By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute, 'cause our phone bill was $7,000.

Donny Most Sunday, Monday Happy Days Now, watch carefully, you guys.

(MONSTER SNARLING) (LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS)

(GASPS) Bertram! Hello, Stewie. You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history!

Yo, fresh! How do I get to Ronnie's party? Peter, we're not going to a high school party! Lois. Alexis. Loser says what? What? Oh! I'll drive.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues.

I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

Maybe you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you beer. It goes right through you. Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. Y-Yeah?

I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid. Well, wait a minute, Peter. Maybe that's the answer. You just got to get his mother to take him back. How the hell am I supposed to do that? She's an idiot redneck, Peter.

You like that, Stewie? You like Anne Murray's music? I must. This is the first time you've opened your mouth and I haven't wanted to shit in it.

And now you're dead. Score one for Peter. Shh. It's time you started living like a Pewterschmidt. That's why I'm giving you my summer home in Newport. Cherrywood? That's so generous of Aunt Marguerite. Wow, Our own summerhouse! Now I feel kind of bad for doing that thing with her toothbrush.

You know what's messed up? This is all for charity. All the proceeds are going to Oxfam.

Here you go, Meg.

Hot lady next to wheel. Make me want wheel. Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel. (ALL CLAMORING) People want Peter wheel thanks to sexy wife. Tonight you and me party like it's 9. Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's.

Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids. Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material!

- I know. These horses are so slow. - Sexy. Sexy.

Every second of every day, but I can't touch coke again. It would ruin my life. No, I mean acting. Oh, of course. But it's over for me. That's all in the past. Well, if you ask me, you got the makings of a star. And I want to help you get there. Well, that's a nice offer, but I'm not quite sure how you expect to do that.

Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? James Taylor. Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car.

Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter.

See kids? One day the world is going to be just like our home. All races living together in harmony and love. Pancakes! He must still be working the junk out of his system. He needs hugs! Doorbell! Doorbell!

And so ends the tale of Griffin Peterson and the founding of Quahog. Well, what a bunch of delightfully colorful characters! So, is that it? That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy. No, this guy.

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar.

Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Oops! Speak of the devil. Oops, make that devils.

- An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

(OVEN DINGS) Oh! My muffins are ready! You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it.

Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois. "He rubbed her shoulder sensually." What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder. Why don't you and that book get a room? Did you hear what I said, Brian? I said, I said, "Why don't you and that..." "That book get a room." Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure you heard.

This is insane, Han! They're gonna find us here. Yeah, and even if they don't, where are we gonna hide out after this? Hey, what about Lando? The Lando system? Lando's not a system. He's a black guy. In fact, I think he might be the only black guy in the galaxy. (CHUCKLES) Let's hope, right? ALL: Whoa! (CLANKING) All right, the fleet's breaking up.

Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Can you tell me if he's ok? What's he look like? He's wearing a white- collared shirt, kind of big, with glasses. I got him. Oh, thank God. Take him out. No! Hey, there's my family.

Hey! Hey, Brian, the guy who wrote this, his name, Charles Dickens.

How was your day? Uh, My day? Hey. Hey. You ok there, Mr. Crocodile? Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up.

All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

Meg, you seem sad. Today's a happy day. I know. It's just that... Well, I really like that guy over there. But he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm a total dog. Oh, That is so not true. Then what is it? He's a eunuch. Really?

I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me. Oh, Jeez, Kate, what should I do? I don't know. You're the flavor of the month. Oops. Window open.

Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago,

or one of those hair color names that's a random noun, like temptress. Oh, at some point, you have to let me braid it! Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

"Dear Luke, if my calculations are correct, "you should receive this letter at the exact moment the DeLorean vanished. "I have been living happily for the past six months in the year 1885. "The lightning bolt that..." (GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you? They're your kids! I know, and I love them. But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom?

Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.?

And I'm Joyce Kinney. Coming up, autism. Is it real or just another excuse for kids these days to forget their manners? But first, thousands are expected for tomorrow's Tea Party rally celebrating their new Quahog headquarters. That's right, Joyce. The Tea Party has gained a sizable following based on their message of low taxes, limited government,

"and I think it's gonna be A long, long time "till touchdown brings me round again to find "I'm not the man they think I am at home "oh, no, no, no "I'm A rock-it man

Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper. It's a mess up there. (CAR HORN HONKING) Brian, what is this? You're driving a cab? Well, Lois, I realized you were right. I mean, it's time I went out and got a job.

Hide! PETER: (IN AGONY) The wheels on the bus go Round and round Round and round Round and round The wheels on the bus go Round and round Peanut!

'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time. Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up. No, you shoot the Taliban! Not Pat Tillman. Got it? Got it. You sure? Yep. All right.

They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin',

(PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie.

Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time! All right, all right, we'll try something else. I will now use my psychic powers to seek help from beyond. I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress.

Got a nice little story you working on there? The big novel you've been working on for three years, huh? Got a compelling protagonist? Got an obstacle for him to overcome? Little story brewing there? Working on? Working on that for quite some time, huh?

Well, my gut tells me he'll be squeezing himself out of a crevice very soon.

(GROANING) Don't be sad, Peter. That's why they call it "schpupel." God, we look like idiots. Hey, hey, that's more like it! Where'd you get the threads? We went to Barney's. I heard that's where all the famous people shop for skinny-leg jeans.

Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink 2 days ago! oh, I'll fix your sink, Miss Romano. And by that I mean I'll have sex with you. And by that, I mean I'll fix your sink. And by sink I mean your reproductive organ.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too.

but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying, which was weird. Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work...

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

(THUDDING) Hey, did you hear something? I think it came from upstairs. (EXCLAIMING)

No more balloon for you. I am sick of you tooling around the village in that thing, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week. But, Father-- Go to your palace! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)

God, I'm so sorry. I keep doing that.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You can stop having fun! (IN NORMAL VOICE) But we like fun, don't we, kids? ALL: Yes! (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets! And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle!

What are you doing? I was hungry. You want one? You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you just bitched yourself out of a bite. All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right.

Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness. Oh, wow. I feel like an explorer.

Hey, look at me, Chris! I'm Yanni, sans the attitude. My God, that's amazing! You are so talented. Huh? Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing.

Okay. The... Dog... And... My... Mom... And... - This... - Handkerchief... And... Twenty... Birds... And... - Peter. - Geez. And... Peter, hang on a sec. You're not contributing. I'm doing it. You're not adding information.

Oh, man. I hate those guys. More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of MaSH. When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh? Am I right? Who's with me? Huh? This year we will defeat those Pranksters with our secret weapon... Guillermo.

Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home! Mommy! Thank God you're home! Stewie, my baby!

Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?

I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Anna took a dump on me. What?

So, What do you have to do for your community service? I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program. I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years. When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants,

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan! And Scottie Pippen. MAN 1: He's also good. Why didn't they do Jordan last? MAN 2: Alphabetical? MAN 1: Oh, right. That's smart. You're smart. But still. Peter, don't be ridiculous. Ross' wife was with him, and in fact, they invited us all over for dinner tonight.

Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's... Come here, come here. Stewie'll take care of you, you big drug-aroni. Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else. Oh. My problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star,

Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left.

'Cause I got a bag of ice here. Thought you might need some ice. Yes, there is a lot of ice around here. We get it. We're having a conversation here. Hey. I thought you guys might need some ice. SOLDIER: What? Why would I need ice? We're surrounded by... (LAUGHING) Oh!

(DOOR CLOSES) (ENGINE STARTS) Hey, buddy, what happened? She gone? Yep, I'm off the hook, Peter. I told Charmese I was gay, and now she's gonna consent to a no-fault divorce. That's brilliant, Quagmire. It's the exact opposite of what Hugh Jackman does. Pretend you're gay to get out of marriage.

Damn it. (LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches. Hey, Brian, check it out. Meg's poking around the cargo hold. I'm gonna give her a little scare.

Hey, put your wallets away, guys. The drinks are on me. Well, that's awful nice, Peter. What's the occasion? Lois' life insurance policy paid off.

and it's all a bunch of bull!

I-- I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it. Go, get the ball. I say, are you blind, or just stupid? What do you mean? Perhaps you'd like to see what Lois and the fat man have been up to in your absence.

(LAUGHING) You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that.

Hello? Hello, Mrs. Griffin? Yeah. Shh. Shut up. You guys, shut up. Yeah, Hi. Uh, This is the F.B.I. calling from your house. Oh, God! Oh, hi. How is everything? good, Good. Real good. Real good. Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but, um,

Hit me. Peter, don't. - Hit me. - 21. - Hit me. - Peter! - Hit me. - That's 30. Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car.

Quit the team? But You can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were-- D-d-Did you just say "big meet"? Oh, My God! I did. Oh, We almost missed that one. I know. That was a close one. But I'm being serious here, Peter. We were all set to come see you joust today.

Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning.

Like when Peter babysat for the neighbor's kid. All right, I couldn't find your toys, so why don't you just play with this blow dryer and these rattles? Guess that's it. You probably want me to get out of your hair. So here's the Drano in case there's a clog. Uh, soap's right there next to the radio, and towels are on the roof.

Sir, this means war! I am vanquished. I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy! Uh, Excuse me. Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella?

I guess I'm just still a little torn up about your mom. But, hey, I'll make it up to you. Let's play catch. Okay. Wait a minute. You know what? - I think you should play catch with Jake. - Really? Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his.

Huh. Me, too. Feels good, doesn't it? Sure does.

Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing?

(SIGHS) Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Oh, yeah, I would. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would do everything to her. I don't care what she looks like. I would wreck that chick. Well, you are a trouper.

Um... Here, Lois, take a look. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God! This is the best day of my life! You know what? You're just jealous 'cause I found a real woman.

(GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive! The end.

All that matters, is Jillian and I have a great time together, we make each other laugh. Fine, but just tell me this, Brian, does she laugh on her own or does she laugh only when you laugh? I thought so.

Right! Go! Go, go, go. All right, twist it counter-clockwise. I am twisting it, you're twisting it the other way.

We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes. We certainly do get around Like A bunch of renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony we're Rhode Island bound

(LAUGHING) Sir, we have a confirmed crash. Flight 37 is down. We'd better alert the mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.

Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene.

MAN: On the next episode ofDeadwood. undefinedAnything yet? Wo, you? Nope. MAN: Next Deadwood. Chris, what're you all dressed up for? These are my back-to-school clothes. I start high school tomorrow.

Oh. Well, I'm here to help you out while Bonnie's gone. Oh, great. Do you have any experience helping out people with special needs? Well, I did work for that old lady down the street. Meg, could you come here, please? What is it? Could you see if I'm getting a bed sore on my back?

We've been hustled! Nobody says that anymore. Well, then what would you call it, Jared? I wouldn't comment on it! We were all there. We know what happened. And so I went into corporate finance, and that's where I met Dale! Six months later, I was asking her to marry me. What took me so long, right?

For me, that woman is Cheryl Tiegs. You'd never fall for these tricks. That's why I keep trying to figure out how to bring you back into my life, so we can make it work. I still remember the day we met. Hey ho! Look at the man on the unicycle. Look at the man on the unicycle with a parrot on his shoulder.

Well, I mean, it's not really for them. It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude. I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself.

Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery. (SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is! I don't know. I lost it. Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth.

I'm going over there! No. I'm gonna go over there and punch her! No! No, no, no, No.

They don't respect you. What do you mean? Listen to me. I used to be the laughing stock around here until my country invaded Kuwait. Now I have a seat in the 3rd row. Look, the only way to get any respect around here is to find something you want and just take it!

by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow.

Don't worry about me. Just get yourself laid.

Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

This guy's screaming and waving his arms around. You're an old man. You don't understand the young people. You're right. I'll change from now on. Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

I've got Hugh Downs up here! And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement!

I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

I never got to wear it better!

All right, there they are. All right, boys, it's candy time. Let's dig in.

Whoops. "Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me. "Their plans somehow relate "to the anniversary of my escape from the womb. "I'm still haunted by the memories "of how I was incarcerated "in that amniotic Attica.

Stewie, look! A butterfly.

Okay. Okay, Stewie, let go. Let go, Stewie. Let go of Mommy's hair.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries. Uh, if--If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any?

Ugh! I ask him to do one thing while I'm at yoga.

Thanks for taking time for me today, Bonnie. I just didn't know who else to talk to. Oh, that's okay, Lois. What's on your mind? Well, you're gonna think I'm an awful person, but I'm attracted to another man. Giggity? It's Meg's boyfriend, Anthony. (DISAPPOINTEDLY) Giggity...

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

Dylan! What are you doing here? My mom wanted me to give you this. "To Brian, from Tracy. He's your problem now. "PS. Will you write me a letter of recommendation "for the University of Phoenix?" No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that. But, Dylan, my God!

Come on. Come on. Go away!

Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you. I love you, too. I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity. Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll? Well, I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound. My wife Janie gives me a beer.

THE quaRTerly review's tomorrow. Think all your kids will pass? Well, I'll tell you who's not gonna pass. It starts with an "O" and rhymes with "Bolivia." Give up? Olivia. Really? Oh, Yes! She's Such a little frosty box! She won't work with anybody.

Wait, wait. Where are you going? To hell with him. We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird?

Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever.

I am Peter Griffin, homosexual. And that's how I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting. And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus.

So the universe never existed!

Hey guys, Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son?

God, let's see. What else is there? Um... I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Oh, God. I, uh,

Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while.

Fuck, it's my parents!

You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine? I think you are a special person. Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second! A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me?

Can I help you, sir? Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin. I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball game... Doctor's appointment. Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God!

Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub, what will you miss most? You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it!

Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington,

And take your whore daughter with you!

Let me fix that. If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely.

I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today. Great, but can we do it after 5:00? There's a ball game on.

Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here.

what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass? Boy, that'd be satisfying. Well... Why not? What do you mean? The three of us. We go over there and we do what's right, we kill the bastard. Whoa! Whoa! Quagmire.

Black guy mail! Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I.

What do you mean "nonsense"? Lois, there is no such thing as a person who is psychic. And though it's tempting to want to believe in something that brings you comfort, the reality is you're just being totally naive. Brian, of course you don't believe in psychics. Your cynicism prevents you from ever being in a receptive state. Look, I'll prove to you what I'm saying, all right? Let me read you your horoscope.

If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples. What? Juden! Rubben wir Schmutzen auf deine Arschneck.

Damn these worms. Ow, this itch. Brian, what the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just some Pilates. Don't lie to me, Brian. I know what this is. You're looking for an ass-race. First one to the kitchen wins. Go!

More coffee, madam? I can get that, Sebastian. To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on. Cut my egg!

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here?

(CRYING) Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it. But Brian, I love you! (LOUDLY SOBBING)

Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

Good evening. Stevenson residence. Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin." Hi, Mom! Hi, Chris. Put your father on. Hey, Dad? And the French guy says, "Deodorant? What's that?"

the show's gotten a little lowbrow. What are you talking about? It's, like, the most hilarious show ever. Hey, could I get your autograph? My... Really? Wow, you're... Gosh, you're making me feel more important than a dwarf among midgets. Hey, can you reach the Crispix? Yes, I can.

Ah! Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai. Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back!

Are you Kate Moss? Well, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you. 1541, Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel. 1886, Seurat completes La Grande Jatte. 1940,

- Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here.

In other news, a local man has won the lottery. Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jack... Oh, boy. I still can't believe they're gone. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Well, I'll be the one to say it.

Peter, Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Ah, Not yet. Hey, Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

Mmm, it's like smoking my grandfather's jacket. Man, I wish I could stay here all night, Mahmoud. But I'm supposed to pick up the dry cleaning before it closes. - I killed a mouse with my tie. - Nonsense. I'll have my wife pick it up for you. What? She'd do that? Oh, absolutely. (SNAPS FINGER) I need you to run an errand for my friend, Peter.

You cheated on me?

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

The plans are stored inside this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. All right now, what do I click?

(SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you! Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super...

Congratulations. PetEr, Maybe we should've just let him be a doctor. No! These are the rules of New quahog. Besides, that's how everyone else got their jobs. Go! Y-You see, Doc, my back tooth is killin' me. ahh! And things have worked out fine so far.

Would you like to buy a photo of yourself on the ride, sir? No, I would not.

Especially Stewie. He's so impressionable. Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Nothing!

And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do Me and Jesus What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air You're a real pal, Jesus. Well, I'll tell you this, Peter. You ain't never had a friend like me.

Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't. You have to clean my ass. Oh, God, Stewie, there's got to be a line! Brian, this is the most important part. You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes. She gets all up in my biznatch with those. No, no way. I could get really sick. Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.

Don't worry. I'm not taking you pansies. I'm taking my new friends. This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland. Is Portland the black one? Portland is the black one. Joe, what the hell is this?

Really? Wow! Hey, So I guess this honeymoon was just the kind of excitement our marriage needed. Huh? I guess it just goes to show that you-- Shut up and let's do it!

'Cause one of us gets sick, we's all gonna get sick. And that may lead to some of us getting sicker than others.

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here!

Yes, Lord Vader, their shield will be down in moments. You may start your landing. Excellent. We'll prepare for our descent.

And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man.

Yeah, I think that your father is gay.

Now, you. Then I tried teaching him how to get out of paying a check. Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis.

So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home.

STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you? They're your kids! I know, and I love them. But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom? (MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)

Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words.

No. That's not good enough. I want details.

(CHUCKLES) What can I say? I really like watching her box. That means two things.

I don't want to have to take off all my clothes, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body. Oh, I suppose I can work with that. QUAGMIRE: Oh, yuck! What do you say we go into the bedroom? Yeah, sure. QUAGMIRE: Oh, she's so ugly! I don't want to get in that.

He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage. Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying. Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers.

(ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear. Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles. Oh! Here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep. Oh, my God! While James Woods High remains open,

Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there. Yes, that's right, cry. Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens.

(JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

Taking it off here, Boss. Take it off there, Luke. Wiping it off, here, Boss. Wipe it off, 9. Waving at the Pope here, Boss. Wave at the Pope there, Luke.

I do have references you can call.

Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys.

and you can't manage to get Hannah Montana tickets? That's what I said.

Oh, no! Both the pilots are unconscious, and we are in a nose-dive. If only there was someone on board who could save us. I said, if only there was someone on board who could save us. Peter, I don't see Quagmire. - Oh, that was great. - Thanks.

(GRUNTS) (GROANING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection.

Oh, come on, Meg, you can stop the charade. My God, you're as transparent as your father was

She is sitting right next to me. Oh, here we go. Oh... Nice to meet you, Marian. What's that, honey? Oh, yes. Hang on. Marian wants some coffee. Lois, did you see that? He's nuts. Brian, he's been locked up in that place for 30 years.

Hey, Stewie, I see your bum.

I wouldn't forgive her so fast, Cleveland. Remember, she slept with Quagmire. Yeah, she really acted crazy. Well, now, just wait a minute, you guys. Let's not be so quick to demonize Loretta.

The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode. (DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler. Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it!

Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy.

I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that. I'm telling you, this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden. Oh, my God! Peter! When did you get that?

Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up! Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game. Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, My God! Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! - Look, buddy, I--i-- - Move! A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone. I love the trombone!

QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it? Yeah. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

(TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do. Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny.

And then I finished scrubbing the kettle, but then I saw that I had missed a spot. And, oh, I was so worried that the whole thing wasn't clean enough, so I went back and started washing it again. And sure enough, I'd missed another spot. And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up. Griffin!

Wow. Thanks, Rush. It was nothing. I mean, you'd have done the same thing for me.

This isn't about you as a cop. This is about you as a man. Come on, what do you say? Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice. (CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit? All right, let's do it!

Who the hell do you think you are? Stop it this instant!

Like the time I was on BlindDate.

Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.

A laser rock show! Come on, cheer up, would you? I don't much feel like iT. Binary code is the language of computers in which words are translated into sequences of zeroes and ones.

Don't go in there! Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah! Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic. We'll be in the clubhouse. Go on, run away! More golf course for me!

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman.

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream.

UH, Hey, can I join you? I guess. What's your namE? Josh. Do you, like, live around herE? No. I, uh, I live with my mom.

And I was gonna tell him to go away, but he had a warrant. It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper. But then he started saying things to me that my father might say if he were still alive, and I knew I liked him. Well, I guess you guys have gotten pretty close, huh?

Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, trust me. How many times have I done this before? All right, but be careful.

CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this! Hey, anytime you can celebrate the end of someone's periods. Everyone, everyone, I have something to say. "To my dearest Lois on her birthday.

And here comes whackadoo film director, Oliver Stone. Oliver's here promoting his new movie, Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July, which he promises will be even July-ier than the original. A dangerously insane human being. And here comes the next float, honoring uninjured veterans.

What took you so long? What took you so ugly?

Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable.

- Okay, yes. - See that? Fifty no's and a yes means yes. Hi. So, how'd the medical experiments go? So good, Lois, so good. I'm gonna squeeze right in here, if my thighs will let me. (LAUGHING)

Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect!

Oh, Give it to her good, old man! Peter, wait. I--I've been thinking. It's been a long time since we had such a wonderful night. And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together like this if we're raising another child.

Wow! I feel so socially accepted. Hey, do you have any other friends you want to invite to your party?

unforgiveable things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money? I got some ideas. Here's a nickel, pull down your pants. There's a show. Yeah-ha! Go. All right, now, who's gonna make a show about horrible New Jersey freaks? You know what? I don't care. Just, someone do it. Okay, Dick Wolf, make the same Law & Order six times.

You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper. There's like a million of you. What do you need business cards for? Well, they're for my cookie business. I don't want... Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING) That chocolate chip cookie looks like the Death Star. May I have everyone's attention please? We're evacuating into outer space,

(DOORBELL RINGS) All right, as soon as they answer, you can go. I don't want Penelope to think I need an escort to a playdate. Oh, you got yourself a little girlfriend, huh? She's not my girlfriend.

All clear? ALL: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's do this! Guys, we're stopping at the bathroom first. Okay? So if you're not comfortable with me as a person, please circulate yourselves to the outer edges of the group. (UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder.

Excuse me, Mayor West? How do you know my language? Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands. Are you Sarah Connor? No, I'm Meg Griffin. See, I need to interview you-- You're with the press? Yes. Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?

Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it. Oh, crap! Did I miss it? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid,

Oh, God, of course. I--I-- Oh, You didn't think-- You thought I was-- Ha! Lois! I can paint scenery. Can I be in the show, Mom? Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive. Hey, you guys. Peter, guess what? I am gonna--

Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

Okay, I'll go. Ow! I said I'd go! Why'd you give me the back of your hand? Because I love you. Wow! I thought you had to be in the NBA to hit a girl in the face. But I guess anyone can. Of course you can hit a girl in the face! They have faces, don't they?

Welcome to the Quahog Maritime School, Chris. Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men. Just men. For many days at a time. Up on the deck with lots of men, or down in the galley with lots of men. Is this some kind of pirate school? Well, a certain kind of pirate. Yes, we've been called that.

Oh! Boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.

You guys mind if I turn on the radio? Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Lois, am I glad to see you. I have nothing to say to you, Peter. I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way.

Why don't I go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner? Like when we were dating. That oughta take your mind off the guys. It already has. I wonder what the guys are up to?

Bye, Dad! Don't wait up!

What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.

Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Well, Peter, I'm glad you're all right, but I hope this is the end of your skydiving career. Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois. You know, when I thought I was gonna die, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and we did way too much Star Wars crap. I should get the kids home. It's way past dinner. What she really means is that it's shaky mommy's white wine time.

"You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate. "Well, you're not gonna be so tough "when I put a fish bowl on my head and a rocket pack on my back, "and come up there and punch you."

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

"'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball. "And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark.

Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up

ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview. So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy.

Anyway, I got a fax earlier about cheap airfare to Cancun. Didn't know if that was you trying to reach me.

Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old? No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old. So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me! Everyone's treating me like I'm a broad! I don't know what's going on! I recognize that hysterical tone of voice.

What are they up to? Well, Cleveland and Quagmire are holding their positions, but I haven't seen Joe all day. FreezE! Dad? Careful, Kevin. There's a bear trap 2 feet to your right.

(SOBBING) Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks. Don't you think it's time to forget about that boy? Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway. You'll find another fella. I could set you up with one of my friends. Oh, wait, I don't have any friends. I could set you up with Dad. Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg?

We have no money, no way to get home, and one of the loan shark's goons is probably gonna bust through that door any minute and kill us both. I wish my daddy were here. He always knows what to do. (ENGINE REVVING) Son of a bitch. Well, I better leave a note. It's the right thing to do.

(GROANS) They're gone now. They're gone. Well, they took the gift I had for you, but at least you're okay. And that trip to the Eiffel Tower was just amazing. (PANTING) Are we almost at the top? Yeah, just a few more steps. Here we are. (HUFFS) Ah.

Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards!

So, we're terribly sorry we broke into your home, But we just had to get Stewie back somehow. well, That's a very long story. But we've grown attached to little Stewie. Plus, the law's on our side. Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE. Wait!

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace. Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.

I'll start out easy. Little more complex.

I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead. Take them down! Yes, sir.

All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING)

Hey, Dad? Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at K.I.S.S.-Stock? You can do whatever you want, son. Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children.

That's not right, right?

Well, wait a minute, what about that nice old man who lives up the street? Oh, yeah, maybe Herbert can watch the kids. He seems like a responsible guy.

Trade house keys, bang each other's wives? Yep.

Aw, Come on, Joe. Cheer up, huh? hey, What do you say you and me go roller skate-- Bike ride-- Jump rope-- Go lay on the grass? Peter, the other day was the first time I've ever lost a perp. It was also the first time I've ever really felt handicapped. I've made up my mind about this.

I did not! Forget it. What good is a car if I have no friends? I didn't wreck T.V.! My dad did! What? What'd she say? Peter Griffin ruined T.V.? And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard. Peter, take that thing off and come home.

Our research shows that Meg is the least popular character on the show. But everyone loves the rest of you. Lois, Lois, women 25 to 49, they see you as a role model. Really? Absolutely. What about me? You! Look, the bottom line is you folks are all still under contract. Ok? But I've come up with a solution I think will make everyone happy.

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Hey, Lois, congrats on winning that boxing match last night. I saw your picture in The Daily Growl. Brian, The Daily Growl is not a real paper. What? Yeah, it is. (SQUEAKING) (LAUGHS) I like that sound. (SQUEAKING) Mom, since when are you a boxer?

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. (SIGHS) America. How's your stewed fox quail, my dear? It's quite good. I'm also enjoying the turtled hen. Isn't the turtled hen good?

(BONES CRACKING)

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts? Ah, jeez. Get over it, Brian. I mean, how bad do you really have it here? When I found you, you were nothin' but a stray. You swore you would never speak of that.

Oh, my God, you saw that? You can see all my tiny, subtle movements? (FARTS) You just did it again. Well, this is gonna be a delight! I don't know why Lois always said she had problems with female co-workers. So Abby, Elaine and Janet have their little lunch clique, and of course I'm not invited. Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing.

Dad, will you talk to Ezekiel? Will you tell him I'm not trying to corrupt his son? Please? All right, I'll do it. But don't expect any miracles. I'm not good with confrontation. Like when I got stuck behind that giraffe at the ballgame. Yeah! Nice hit! Frozen rope! Awesome!

All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one! All right, first scene up is on page 12. Everybody, this is our new Jolly Farm resident, Karina Smirnoff.

Oh, Peter. I'm sure Joe's gonna acknowledge you. You'll see. Just Don't forget our deal, lois. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.

Joe, my feet are starting to swell. You two go home. I can stay here as long as it takes. You'd be amazed how little you have to eat when your legs don't work. There's only one way to settle this. Russian RouletTe. 3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No--no--No. Wait a minute, this is crazy. You first.

"Love always protects, always trusts, "always hopes, always perseveres. "Love bears all things, believes all things... (GIGGLING) "...hopes all things, endures all things.

And where would I fit in with the fun time?

Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har. Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!

No, I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail. Above the set of jacks? Yes, above the jacks and the bicentennial playing cards and across from the giant cage with the beach balls, next to the Wiffle ball bats and the spark-spitting cars. I don't... Oh, next to the wax bottles of weird juice.

Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors. He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history, I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently create it. So the universe never existed!

Richard Simmons? Shut up! Hey!

Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you. Lois was wondering if maybe you could, I don't know, ease up on the whole, you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift. You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter. Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized. All right, look, Dad, I don't want you to hate me, all right?

But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me.

Hey, watch it. That was pretty hard. No, it wasn't. Try this one. Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun...

so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die Says the man next to me out of nowhere And the good people of the world Are washing their cars on their lunch breaks Hosing and scrubbing as best they can in skirts and suits

Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States.

Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

They've got to be here somewhere. Where's my first lieutenant? Here I am, sir. Yes, sir. Right indeed. Here indeed. Yes, I am, sir! I want you to turn this settlement upside down until you find Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson! That fat bastard thinks he can steal my bride and get away with it? I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping.

Hi, I'm Jillian. Desiree. Charmed. Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned. Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away. Well, have fun. You two are a really cute couple. Hey, Desiree. Oh! Hey, Lee.

Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had.

Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens. MAN ON STEREO: Party music Party song Does not attract attention Suggests a good time Gina, have you seen Chris? Yeah. He's over there. (GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing?

No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this?

Well, I wanted to prove to you that I was right, that your friendship was purely a result of circumstance. So I created a scenario in which everyone's memories were erased, to demonstrate that you and Peter would never naturally associate with one another. But I was wrong. It appears you two have a genuine bond after all.

PiT. Come on. It's my first day.

Yeah. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE)

I'm gonna eat that foot. (LAUGHING) Give me that foot, it looks delicious. Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God. Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt. Sit right there, honey. Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you. Oh, God. Thoughtful. Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some.

Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it

What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick.

(IMITATING LOIS) "Oh, Peter, you should have been there. "Uncle Ben's converted brown rice was on sale. "They marked it down from $12 to three..." Whatever. I don't know how much rice is, but you know what I'm saying.

I don't know what these women are always complaining abouT-- Ahh! Attention, New quahogians. Today, my vision for our future comes true. A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass! Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns? Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation systeM.

Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable.

Eli, I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable, but I don't think running away is the answer. I know, Mrs. Griffin. And I am sorry. But I just could not bear the thought of never seeing Meg again.

STEWIE: Hey, am I gonna have to handle this? Do you want me to handle this? Peter, just go wait in the bedroom. I'll be right there. Fine, but if I gotta pee first, this night's gonna be ruined. Ruined. Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest.

Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion. I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to. Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem?

No. No. No seriously. What's his name?

Geez. Quagmire, help me out with this. No, he's right. I mean, sometimes chicks die and it's not anyone's fault. Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner. (SWITCHES OFF TV) 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason.

And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING) No, no, no, no! The altos were early. This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow! Relax.

Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel? He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side!

Well, I don't know, but what I do know is that in the staff meeting, Christina said... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. ...my inventory system wasn't feasible.

He rocks in the treetop all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song All the little birds on Jaybird Street

You're out! Whoa! All right, Joe! Way to earn that parking spacE! All right! JOe! Did you see that? That's my JoE! What the deuce? Half man, half machinE. Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans! Go, cyborg!

What the hell was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host,

What? (STAMMERING) But I told them they didn't know what they were talking about. Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself. And then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn. I love you, too, insane-woman-I'm-having- second-thoughts-about. What? All right.

You share! Uh, I'm not really sure what to do here. Boy! You've put on weight, Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! (BONNIE) Did you walk?

Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean. Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how!

Brian, what happened to Peter? He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger. That's not the man I married. So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. What? Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party. Hey, Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here!

What's he going to teach them? How to lick the Dorito crumbs from between the sofa cushions? Or how to leave a dead bird on the carpet? That was a gift, you bastard. That was a gift for the family.

Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is, and if you don't, that's your problem. Fine, then, I'll deal with this myself. All right, here they come.

Could--Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? Thank you.

(SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count. We have been here for three hours. I'm scared, Dad. What's gonna happen to us? Well, he's a Nazi, Chris. If I had to guess, he's going to make us into a lamp shade or a wallet or a bar of soap. I guess that means I'll be Irish Spring.

Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche.

You think so? I know so.

(SIGHS) Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids.

You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Hi, honey. WhaT? Lois, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter. Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight.

I'm here at the parking lot outside city hall, where hundreds of citizens have come out in protest of the Mayor's decision to spend the town's treasury on a gold frog. I don't like it. And I don't like the contraction apostrophe-E-M. As far as I'm concerned, his name is Dig Them. You're not welcome here, Dig Them.

Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries?

Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat.

I'm not giving that lunatic his job back and that's final. Lois, I can't let you deprive our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas. I'm gonna stop you the only way I can, by killing you in the race for School Board President!

Do I have an opening bid for the boat? $50,000! Sold for $50,000! Good for you, Peter. Congratulations. You've just bought yourself a cursed boat. Cursed? The last captain of that vessel lost his life. And it weren't no accident!

Huh? Oh. Oh. Everything all right? Uh, yeah. Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

Laura! Laura! Laura!

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom? Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down. Geez, what's your problem, Peter?

Hey, Lois, great news. We can go back to Quahog. Yeah, I know, Brian. (SHUSHING) We're about to see if Stewie won.

And now I'll never see him again. ELI: Yes, you will, Meg. (GASPS) Eli. Eli? What are you doing here? I could not let you leave without me, Meg. I love you. I love you, too. Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers.

Wait. Is Peter not coming to bed?

Tom, residents all over Quahog have been affected by the heavy rains, although some are doing their best to ride it out. For example, I'm here with Rides-a-Ten-Speed-Everywhere Guy.

I have seen a lot of medical shows. You see, the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on a duct. I'm sorry. What? I don't know what to do, Brian. Breastfeeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in.

What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it. He bit me! Mr. Griffin, although I may not fully understand Opie's management style... he has proven himself a more competent employee than you.

- Say something. - What? Just say something, please! Oh, For God's sake! Um, uh... "Yea, and God said to Abraham, "'You will kill your son Isaac.' "And Abraham said, "'I can't hear you. "'You'll have to speak into the microphone.'

I'm starting to think all you do is dick around. Sorry. Everyone vote? Okay, now let's count. "Guilty." "Guilty." Some hurtful slurs followed by the word "guilty." (LAUGHS) "Guilty." "Guilty." "El guilto."

Wow, Meg and Chris, I can't decide which one of your hats I like better! (BOTH GASP) I can't believe you got a new dog. What about me? Hey, you're still my buddy. New Brian is just a new friend for the family. Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor.

Relax, baby. Hey, check your phone. I sent you something. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Is that your... Yeah. How'd you like to get hit in the face with that? Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go. Why, you getting more moles put on? You know, I came here 'cause I thought I'd made a mistake by not giving you a chance, but it's obvious you're just another typical jerk.

Yeah. I'm not really looking for notes,

Okay. Here it comes, James. Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those! I hate Quagmire lately. Me, too. That cat has totally changed his personality. Yeah. Like, when I went over to his house the other day.

Ice cream truck!

Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!

You suck! Get off the stage!

Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!

Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.

But I love our old house. You have to buy it back. It's too late For that. Our stuff is packed. It's on its way here. Come on, Lois, you'll love living in Newport.

"Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID." Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy. The nurse says Brian won't be out of surgery for another three hours. 0h, I hope he's gonna be okay. Me, too.

Then it's up to us, the people, to find a solution. Close the curtains. (SIGHS) Tea Party. Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen. This town is going to go to hell. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting. (MONITOR BEEPING) (VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY)

Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis. All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on.

The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me? Oh, Meg, honey.

Oh, come on, this is identity theft. I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir. Thanks, Joe. Clam later? We'll hoist a few? Sure, Peter. Joe! Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off.

Is it going to be like this all day, Jeff? Hey, I'm just trying to contribute. Yeah, well contribute to pointing your gun at that door. Mark, why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around?

You're not handicapped. I have vertigo. It's a real medical condition.

I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s. Peter, we are not going to New York! Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift.

Hello? (SLURRING) Hey, what are you... What are you doing? Quagmire, I'm sleeping. Yeah, I was just out with Joe. What are you doing? I just told you. That's right. I just... I just asked that. I forgot. Hey, hey, this song made me think of you, so, wait, listen to this song.

Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur.

because everybody here just uses Elizabeth Hurley. All right, well, where is she? 'Cause I need her now! MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation. Ellen, there 's moisture on the outside of m y glass. 4t's condensation, Johnny. But what about the fog on the windows?

We gotta do something about this. His whole life is about that stupid cat. Hey, you know, the cat's alone at Quagmire's right now. You know what we should do? We should go over there and shave it. That's a great idea! Let's do it! Let's shave the cat!

Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled

Thanks for inviting me to lunch, Lois, but why are we eating at a strip club? I know the waitress here from water aerobics. She said she'd give us 20% off. All units, all units. PETER: We have a disturbance at the Fuzzy Clam.

Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon, I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

Okay, here's the rules. No hitting below the belt, no rabbit punches, no name calling, no making trouble for unconventional couples who want to adopt babies, 'cause you know what? They ain't getting the good babies, anyways. Okay, have a fun fight. Ding, ding. (BELL DINGS)

Then you poke your head out of the door with a C chord Everything looks okay out here Maybe I'll take a walk outside To the D chord I'm walking around outside Look at all the stuff out here And then we go to an A minor Getting a little cloudy out here

Wait a second. You're saying that everyone is asked to do jury duty? Yes, Peter. So, then, I'm not special? MAN: Everyone's special, Peter. Rock drummer Tommy Lee! And if your wife ever tells you that you're not special, punch her really hard right in her hepatitis.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Maybe walk in the creek a little bit. Oh, and he probably don't want me to tell you this, but be ready 'cause he might give you a little bit of a donkey punch. So you're saying God got you pregnant? Yes, Joseph. Glory in the highest! Well, if it his will, then his will be done, and I am but his humble servant. But I do have one question. Was he bigger than me?

I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now.

And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense. You said "nuclear." It's "nucular," dummy. The "S" is silent. It's almost midnight. We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.

(DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

There's a throng of trendy people And they're stretched around the block And there's one unpleasant deaf guy Who just really shouldn't talk Vodka tonic, please. There's a chick who's kind of Persian

What was the date of that? August 15th. August 15th! You betcha! Now, I have to leave enough time... Talking to yourself? (EXCLAIMS) Brian! Hello! Stewie, I know you've been going back in time to embarrass me. (STAMMERING) Oh, what... Come on!

I was just upstairs and there's a half-dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy. Uh-huh. So I guess we're just looking the other way, huh?

The summer sun's calling my name So, do you really think you're suited to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington? Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes, but you're kind of a buzz kill. Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn.

Is he gonna die? No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar!

Well, here we go.

Yay, Meg! Oh, Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days! Oh! What do you got? What do you got? Huh?

We're following it home just like The 3 Wise Men. So, what did you get him? Gold. Gold? I thought we agreed on a $5 limit here? Yeah. I just got him a crappy little bottle of myrrh. Hello! Frankincense! You always do this! Ok, ok. Look, we'll put everything together and put all our names on it. No! Yes!

Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at? The underpants, lose them! A-Actually, I kinda-- I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, you know, maybe tomorrow-- Take 'em off! Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey. Whoa!

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg.

Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman. Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam! Unless I'm confusing you with someone else. Nope. That was... That was you.

I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak! We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us. Good point, tom. We're even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Well, obviously, yeah.

Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God!

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here?

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. QUAGMIRE: Peter, I want you and the guys to come over to my house right now. We're drinking. What for? Just come over. I want you to see something. (SIGHS) All right. Come on, guys. We're going to Quagmire's. All right, hang on. I gotta go to the bathroom first. Okay, let's go.

Well, I guess the world'll show me a little more respect now. Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me. Oh, Yeah? Him and what army? The U.S. Army. Oh, That's a good army.

You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together. Me, too, Lois. It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with. Don't you have any back home? Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that. That's kind of what I want to talk to you about, Brenda. Do you mind taking off your sunglasses? (SIGHS) Oh, my God.

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

We'll do the best we can with Meg Are you saying I'm ugly? It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess-- Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard.

Maybe your family could join us. Okay, that sounds like fun. Oh, my God. Chris is dating a Barrington. Who are the Barringtons? They're the richest family in all of Rhode Island. (GASPS) I must notify Gossip Girl!

So, how do you win this game? Just fill this out when they say the letter and the numbers? Yeah, that's a sucker's bet. There's only one way to win this game. Wait for someone else to win and steal his card. G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different. I don't know.

This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have, my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down. He's in.

I'm fine? What? Are you coming on to me now?

(TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up!

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone.

Tomorrow you and I are gonna go out and get you some brand new outfits. Maybe a pair of those low-rider jeans that'll show off your cute butt, huh? Really? Wow, thanks, Mom. Meg in low-riders. Enough of that. Go away, damn you.

What? No, no. We were just watching TV. But listen, you gotta believe me, he's not capable of hurting anyone. Clearly he's controlling your mind with his superior alien brain. PETER: Ah, don't let 'em get you down, Paul Blart. Your life has dignity. (LAUGHING) And comedy! Oh, heavens!

No. - Are you Jesus Christ? - No.

Well, this has been a big year for us. Wait a second. Give me that. "Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon "and drives the salmon upstream." I wrote that! You stole this from me. Hey, you didn't say I couldn't use it. But now you get to meet the President of the United States because of what I wrote.

Half of Jensen there can tell you, it gets pretty sticky. But I never lost me good spirits, I haven't! So, let's get up there, be safe and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home. Pardon me, sir. I'd like to join. What are your qualifications?

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome.

Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there? No. There must be something wrong with you. - Really? - Yeah. I've never had that problem and I don't know any woman who has. Hey, look at this.

Okay, if you say so.

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. What are you doing? That's my bathroom! What are you talking about? We just rented this place. Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase! What the hell are you guys doing in Quahog? We're just doing research for a movie. Oh, my God, that's amazing. You're both living here together? Wait a minute. Are you guys gay?

(GUN FIRES) I'd love to go, Meg, but I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night. Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you. No, I won't. I'm so fat and gross. Oh... (SOBBING) I should just kill myself.

Well, it's about time. Sorry, fellas.

- Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look.

Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore.

(QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING) Stop it, you guys! You're ruining all my clothes!

What do you say we take it for a spin? Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake. Come on, Meg. We can be like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Just get on. (SIGHS)

Dad, don't you have to work today?

Not unless you want to. (HUMMING TWILIGHT ZONE) (OVEN DINGS) Oh! My muffins are ready!

Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again. And this time, I decide where the base is.

Oh, relax. The old girl doesn't have too much to wag about these days anyway. Hey, Meg, try and guess the word I'm thinking of right now. And it's not "kitty." "Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool about that. (STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it, and they're willing to do it around me all the time, because they know I'm so cool about it, and I don't judge them. So, you know, go ahead... Well, here we go. Yup, that's what my friends say, too. "Well, here we go." Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too.

"Black-Eye" Griffin and his family were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood. They spent their idle time cavorting, doing the Charleston, and enjoying America's prosperity following World War I, which, at that time, was called International Civil War II.

I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles. Henry, I have a lost little boy. Well, Hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with mE? No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?

Peter, what are you doing? I'm going out for a spacewalk, Lois. You know, this is our one chance to experience the awe-inspiring wonders of space firsthand. Wow, neat. So, this is space.

No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.

I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP! Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming. Not about kicking your fat ass!

Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok. Really? Who's Debbie Miller? A girl I just made up. Oh, Look. Here they are.

Marijuana's illegal because of you, and Stewie got to build a nice little fort with all of your unsold books. My house is made of mediocrity. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, guys. I want you to know I'm raising my reward to $50 for anyone who can help me find James. No questions asked. I killed your cat.

Oh, wow, look at that, Stewie. Perfect timing. Oh, it's beautiful. Everything's just so beautiful here. Ugh. This is miserable. Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight.

(CLANKING) Peter, what the hell was that? That's what you do, Lois. Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm that I'm at the various checkpoints.

What's the matter?

The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it!

It'd be so great if we were at least living together. Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. Either he commits to you, or you're gone. What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! Well, I think you should, Brian. She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide.

What are you doing, Peter? I'm making my own Red Bull. Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands. Whoa, whoa, hang on, you're adding kerosene? Peter, that's insane. That'll destroy your body. Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull.

A little on the nose. ...or screaming.

I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating. Oh, hey, Chris, by the way, the roofer came today while you were at work. And? It's gonna be five grand to fix it. Oh, that's just perfect.

Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise? It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out!

I call the dark meat. I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! No!

Very well, Stewie, I shall. But just one thing. What? (STEWIE EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Yeah? Him and what army? The U.S. Army. Oh, That's a good army.

The lab results are back. You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing?

I guess.... Yeah, give me a call. Okay, I'm hanging up... in three, two, one. Okay, call me back.

I want to hear you breathe.

Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time?

You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here. Is this the man who assaulted you?

Peter, Now you're just being brainless.

Peter, I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings. That's almost everything we have.

Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War.

I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture." I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago. What's with the big grin? Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh, and I was feeling cocky. Hey, let's see yours, Joe.

Yeah, that's authentic ItalIAN.

All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get $100 toward a boob job that you desperately need. I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss. Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile.

(ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy. Glenn, we are so thrilled for you.

Peter, stop that! We're not having sex. I just told you I have a lump. I got a lump, too. And mine's easier to get rid of. Mrs. Griffin, I've got good news. Your test results came back negative. It appears the lump in your breast is not black gross boob death. Breast cancer?

Hey, Lois, ready to go to dinner? Yeah, sure. Just let me grab my purse. Okay, ready. Ooh! On second thought, I got something I gotta do back on Krypton. I thought Krypton was destroyed.

Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous.

PETER: Don't touch it. It's worth money!

I don't wAnna wait For our livEs to be over Boy, miss jacobs, for a teacher, you sure make love good. Actually, it's "well," Pacey. You mean to say, I make love "well." You're good to go again, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah... Peter? Hello, Peter?

Loretta? Hello, Cleveland.

Why don't you get a lap dance, Mr. Pewterschmidt? No, Peter's crippled friend, I think I'm just gonna leave. This was a stupid idea. Oh, come on, you just gotta relax and cut loose, like those foreign guys over there. I can't believe I'm back at the horse. I had many drinks last night and I was so hung out this morning. Me, too, friend. I was blowing chinks like crazy.

Ten thousand rushing yards, six pro-bowls, two arrests and no convictions. Orenthal James Simpson. Hi, Griffins. Oh, my God! What the... I just think you're terrific. O.J. Simpson? I may be a dumb beaver, but I'm smart enough to get out of here.

I think you are a godless, socialist, pot-smoking, maggot-infested member of the blame-America- first crowd, and I think you want the terrorists to win.

What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there. Very well, Peter. You leave us no choice.

(BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

The final plague is the death of the first-born son. Oh, No! Stewie! The first-born son.

Honey, I'm sorry I got us kicked out of New quahog. I guess nobody really needs guns. I'm not always right, after all. Oh, Peter. Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up.

You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks! Hey Brian, flea collars are on sale. Uh, Too many chemicals. This year I'm gonna try a more natural alternative. ah! Ah, Ah! Sorry, Dr. Ling. I--I guess I'm nervous.

It's not like them to be late for lunch. Mmm, I think they left a note. Brian, what do you know about this? Nothing.

You want me to write that thunder thighs thing down for you? He's not gonna do it.

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.

We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens.

Where are my flapjacks? Huh? You will recall, last night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my legs, I spake thusly, "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks." It was a simple message, yet it has gone unheeded.

Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop!

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

To have your wife look at you like you're half a man? To get preferential parking? To board a plane early with the first-class people and gold card members? All right, it's not all bad. But I'm not going to kill you. I'm not an animal like you. So, what are you going to do, arrest me?

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING)

Hot towel? Yes, thank you. Well, Come on! Ugh! What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking you off this plane.

(GRUNTING) (GAGGING) (GULPS) There we go. It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman.

All right, guys, it's gonna be a long night of border patrol, so I brought along Michael McDonald to help us out.

What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.

Eli was the best boy I'll ever meet. And now I'll never see him again. ELI: Yes, you will, Meg. (GASPS) Eli. Eli? What are you doing here? I could not let you leave without me, Meg. I love you. I love you, too.

That's terrible.

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES)

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

Ah, You damn kids with your music.

(GASPS) Look! Donny Most Donny Most He was Ralph on Happy Days

But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming. CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment,

Peter, we're in Asiantown. Well, at least I don't have to worry about the evil monkey here.

Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed. Is it raining again? Hey, Did you hear the one about us?

eh. How about now? well, We are supposed to see other people. And I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert. I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo!

Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

$780. $781. ...you! Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you?

Oh, splendid, just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple. Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again. Shall I put you down for two, Brendan? Brian. Ryan. - Brian. - Mitchell. What? Goodbye.

...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me!

I used the body to get me into R-rated movies. After that, I took him swimming and he fell apart.

Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS)

Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on! Hurry! (WHINING) Oh. I can't eat anymore. Remember what I told you. I get these weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get 'em checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me. He's right. I can do it!

Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today. Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now? PETER: Right there. Right... I'm having some trouble here. PETER: It's right there! It's right in front of you!

Your father is innocent. Oh, he killed her. Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business. Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

All right, past. Here I come.

A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual.

Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited. And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by, I'll make sure he thinks you're....

I am not worthy. Rise, my son. You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation of God's great love within us all. Wow! And that's from the freakin' Pope! So I guess you were wrong about me, Dad. I was wrong all right. Stand by, boys.

I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me.

I've actually been learning a lot, but then he just left me here! Well, you don't belong here! This is a professional medical institution with standards and regulations to adhere to! But... But I... I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'll go. (BOTTLE CLATTERS)

Now, I don't want to hear any more excuses from anyone. Oh, Crap! We did it again! Ruth Bader Ginsburg! Ooh. Oh, Look, Meg, it's your little baby booties.

Oh...me. Brian, would you mind? (GROANS) Yeah, sure. Oh, sorry. I haven't had sex in two weeks. I'm just a little on edge lately. (SCOFFS) A little? There wasn't this much tension when the slaves were freed. Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go. But we're cool, right?

Let's see. Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait. Root beer from two Julys ago. Here we go, expired milk. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Jenny, look how young you look. I sympathize with y'all. Donna makes me listen to Gayle King on XM Radio,

Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship.

Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper.

Okay, so here is your plutonium. I hope you kill my bitch wife with it. Whoa, whoa. Where's that coming from? Ahh, I'm just a little upset because she left me. I guess she didn't know what "jihad." (PLAYING MELODY) Come on! Oh, sorry!

Ah, How fun. And it's for a good cause. All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. ThAnk you. HA, Thank you. Thank you.

Lord Vader, we're out of light speed and... (CHOKING) You have failed me for the last time, Admiral.

Wait. What are you doing? They're sleeping in here. Oh, please. They get so doped up on sleeping pills and liquor, an earthquake wouldn't wake them up.

Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight. Hoi! Hoi! ah!

(EXCLAIMS) It's not really my cup of tea. Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid.

I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. Oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold, and I get squat. I'll be in the car. That was a very productive first day, Brian.

He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water? (SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

That means I love you. Hmm. Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad.

Oh, there you are! Hey, give me some money. I saw a cool bandana. What the hell's going on here? Listen here, you bully! For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you. Like hell she did. Brenda, you tell them? No, not yet. Everyone, I have wonderful news. Jeff and I are getting married.

As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.

You've had sex a million times. Oh, that's all bluster. I just talk big for the fellas. I'm a virgin, Joe! I don't want to die a virgin! Help me, please! Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson.

ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

We're going to need a few things for this class, an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge, but one thing we won't need is this.

Damn! There must be some clue to the source of their mental-manipulation techniques.

CLEVELAND: Oh, Luke!

(LAUGHING) One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye. Shut up, poor kid. No, I'm serious, look! So, Chris, how's the new school?

Lois, get in here! Shh. Meg's boyfriend. But there's... There's nothing wrong with him. Mom, where's my... Shh. (GASPS) Quagmire, get over here. You gotta see this.

Yeah, but I'm sure gonna miss my buddies down at the sumo ring. Dad, can you teach me how to sumo wrestle? Oh, It's not too hard, Chris. Hey, Brian, help me demonstrate. Uh, Peter, maybe somebody else could-- Come on! Ok, so on the count to 3, you try to push me out of the ring, I try to push you out of the ring. Ok? Ready? 1, 2, 3!

Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad.

So, let's pretty much just attack like we did last time. Sound good? No need to fix what ain't broke, right? Yeah, we did this already. That's what's so fucked up. General Solo will take a stolen Imperial shuttle and knock out the shield generator on the fourth moon of Endor, while General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the squadron to destroy the Death Star.

The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie. All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.

They said it evens me out. Sorry to fly off the handle likE That. Here, let me see that. That's what I think about you taking chill pills from the Man. Look, the old Farg made learning fun. He's what these kids need. Now get back in that classroom and teach your "Fargin" ass off.

Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing? You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him?

And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter. Sorry. I just farted.

The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football!

Well, I guess it's not that big a deal. Accidents happen. Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril? It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right. Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me.

Hurry, Peter, Steve's gonna be here in 5 minutes! Aw, crap! We're dead!

All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C. (CRACKLING) Quick! Get us out of here! (T-REX ROARING) Boy, that was close. Oh, my God, where's Frank? I'm over here. Oh. Okay.

Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. (Man) And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals.

Oh, God, what have I done? I'm the worst husband ever. Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup from Child Services. I'm here to take your kids away. What? Why? Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them. No way! - Oh, my God. - Finally.

God, I hate this freaking cat. Can you spare some change? Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog? That's me! I mean, that was me. Yeah, sure.

Oh, God. This seems like the kind of thing Peter... Too late, Brian. Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo? That's stupid. You don't know anything about horses and you're in terrible shape. You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen.

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v.

It's hot in here, isn't it? Yes. You need to cool off, don't you? I need to cool off. You need to wipe your neck with the soda can.

What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on?

(RETCHING) Ahhh!

Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smoking was bad, but--but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart? Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now!

Well, watch this.

Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow! Hey, JoE! The van's gone! NO, no. It's got a cloaking device that disguises it as 2 homeless guys fighting over a wedge of cheese. Hey, Peter, isn't that Lois over there in that diner?

No, no, we were outside the space-time continuum. Time and space didn't exist until my explosion. Which means I created the universe, Brian. (SCOFFS) That doesn't make any sense. You were born in the universe. How could you create it? It's called a temporal causality loop. The universe created me, so I could create it, so it could create me and so on.

(TRAIN APPROACHING)

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

And doesn't she have the most beautiful eyes? Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but, yeah, individually, they're not awful. All right, I'm on board. Go talk to her.

- Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there. ANNOUNCER ON TV: ...your shows will appear on "My Playlist." Peter, it's been eight hours, and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless!

I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin. I have no idea what got into my son. Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine. Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here.

Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and... A lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and... Oh, here's where the story gets fun. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear.

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank.

I was tryin' to make art. Oh, Art-schmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they'll produce Shakespeare.

Who cared When you drop kick your jacket When you came through the door No one glared (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello. Hey, Lois, what's up? Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up at the end of my shift. Oh, gotta go. First fare of the night.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe.

And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead. TOM: What happened to the girl? WOODS: I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron. (GRUNTS) Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo! You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing!

Excuse me? I said, "May I have a blanket?" Oh, yes. Of course. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes, so now it is official. Let me touch your face! Lois, we could use your help in Coach. Ok, e-everyone, it's time for my one-man show, Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye.

I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.

Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers.

Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart. Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.

Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. Wait a second. I'll be right back. Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there?

Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore. You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it!

Baby Stewie, say hello to your new brothers and sisters. Hola, Stewie. Ni hao, Stewie. Stewie. Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad! I promise, it'll never happen again. I hope not, Mrs. Stevens.

Oh, I beg to diffeR. You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay!

What a beautiful shade of lipstick on those teeth.

56 Meadow Lane, Brookfield. I do have a brother. Oh, my God. I've got to meet him. Oh, hey, Brian. You know what would be fun? Oh, God, totally! (ALL EXCLAIMING) BOTH: Awesome! You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best. MAN: Hey, kids of America.

(THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

Peter, do you think you could make a little more time for your son? Yeah, I guess so. (SCREAMING) What the hell was that about? Was that Stewie and Brian? (MILEY ROARING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GROWLING)

And I have to set you fray Fray The letter A The A, the A The letter A Thank yay!

Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap.

And you live at 31 Spooner Street.

Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing.

Go, go, gadget skis!

Hey, Meg, I know how you like to let off steam once in a while, so I got you a journal. You got me a journal? Actually, I got you two of them, my right ear and my left ear. Fire away. Dear Diary, today at the school library, I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman with nipples that cover most of her breasts, too.

So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure. (STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.

Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake!

More on that later. Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this. PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second? (GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat?

Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job. Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer. All right, bring him on out. Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here.

There's only one solution It's in the Constitution We've got to pull the plug There he is! Quick, Peter, grab the video camera.

GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story. Yes. I was so traumatized they sent me here. And I guess they must have forgotten about me. Well, you seem perfectly normal to me. And no brother of mine is gonna be cooped up in some insane asylum. We are taking you back to Quahog with us.

Well, I am smart and ambitious!

oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam!

You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these?

just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney.

Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself. And then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn. I love you, too, insane-woman-I'm-having- second-thoughts-about. What? All right.

Dad, settle down. There's no one out there, Peter. You sure? Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's probably just a... Did you guys lock the truck? Dad, we don't even have a... What the hell is going on out there? Come on out, whoever you are! I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness.

Holy crap. It's a gay bar!

I have an announcement to make.

"Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, "shall we maybe clean the place up? "No, it's okay, he won't mind." Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans? All right, Lord Vader, you win. I've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases. Ooh! Ooh!

Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?

It's already been invented. Then how come I never heard of it? This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company! Oh, Sorry, Lois. What's your news? Well, I... Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board,

No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies. Damn it! This is the third used-record store with that same story. You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners? No.

Uh... Yeah, sure. Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles.

You know, some-- some people think that dandelions are weeds. But, uh, you know, i--I always think who the--who the hell decided tulips were so greaT?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Punky... Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon. Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man.

Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping.

Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

Peter, I just found this note in Chris' room.

Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

My hat! Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down.

And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you.

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun.

Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me.

Well, let's not make any rash decisions. I mean, I did provoke you. Come on, Lois, hit me. Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes.

It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want. And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America. You will not convince me. America must pay for its sins.

You're a monster, James Woods! You think you can just commit murder and get away with it? Quagmire loved that girl! QUAGMIRE: Easy.

Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings? No. Because he was quartered on the port side. (CHUCKLES)

I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

You forgot where I made you smash your head on the windshield. I--I don't recall... Aah!

(RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)

HEy, It's Glen Quagmire, the wacky next- door neighboR. What's he up to this tiME? I'm going to work! Him and his crazy get-rich-quick schemes. We have to find your father, Chris. He's not well.

You're no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt. That's what... You're Carol Alt. I'm through listening to you. Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt. MAN: Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on The Family Man! - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? CAROL: What? MAN: I forget.

Watch this. Are you watching? That's for me ever having doubted you. A-plus! And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! EW! I totally called him on it.

Now, let's see, there's got to be something in here we can use. (SIGHS) Boy, that was a close one back there. Way to think on your feet, Brian. Well, we got lucky. How you holding up, Stewie? Um...

Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore!

Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Well, here's my card. Call me if you're interested. Hey, okay, we've got our first contestant. Let's hear Weenie's catchphrase. (CLEARS THROAT) "They no funny." (BELL RINGING) I think we have a wiener! (DONKEY BRAYING) And that's Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on 97.1.

But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.

(DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

Hey, Meg! Hanging out with all your friends? (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, whale, the ocean's that way! That's a good one, too. All right, let's figure a way to get out of here. Now, we can't fit through the window, but maybe there's some way we can let people know we're down here. We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention.

I was in three improv groups in college, Peter.

Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him.

he didn't lose his ability to feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.

Is this a joke? I wish it were, Joan. I wish it were a joke. But these things happen, you know?

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg. Here we go.

Quiet, everybody, my commercial's on. Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru. We will blitz the competition, and in no time,

You guys? Oh, my God!

All you've done his whole life is treat him like crap, and now he's offering to help you. The least you can do is be grateful. Oh, all right. Then it's settled. You're staying with us.

It was insightful and fresh and intelligent. It's like his play is mocking me. He wrote it in a night. Ugh, that's how I feel whenever I see Brad Goreski on Bravo. God, everyone's on Bravo but me. Anyhoo, have you told him how good it is? No. I just read it. He gave it to me 'cause he wanted my feedback. Okay, listen to me. Tell Stewie it's awful, it's garbage.

PETER: Hey, Stewie. You got a minute for your daddy? Get out of here, you spineless oaf! Oh, and by the way, I faked all those bowel movements. Brian, I feel awful. Stewie and I were getting along so good and now he hates me.

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with CHRIS. Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son.

That's my brother on that chariot!

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one!

A bitch. Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power.

with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. You've got the song memorized, do you?

I've got an idea. I'll be right back. So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up. You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there,

Oh, i--i don't know if I can do that. Ooh, That's too bad. Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again.

They should've stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But I'm here to tell you, that as of today,

Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here.

JEFF: Uh-uh! Not unless you want your friend's brains all over the place! Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay? Oh, well, that's never happened before.

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.

Look, he's got a landline we can use!

Wait a second, Brian.

You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony. Come on, Chris.

Ugh! Oof! Ahh! Ahh!

Hmm. Driver's license, Social Security card, passport, title to the house. This puts me in a tough spot. Joe, you can't possibly believe this. You know who Peter is. I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork. Oh, come on, this is identity theft.

It's what you two do that makes things worse. Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait!

Angela! Open up in there! Oh, my God! Angela! Angela, wake up!

Submitted for your approval. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge to bury shiny objects in the yard. A shameful secret that nearly buried the peace and civility of an entire neighbor--

Colin Farrell, so I was talking to my wife, Dixie, the other day... and she was saying that you weren't a very good actor. And I agreed with her. Now, why, Colin, why would we both say that? All right, that's it. Jeremy must be destroyed.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus." It's supposed to be "Jesus," right? Room service! We didn't order no room service. Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar.

Excuse me, sir. What is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? i need an adult! I need an adult!

This is my fire truck, my Slinky, my Silly Putty. You know, Silly Putty's awesome, but you know what's really cool? Serious Putty. Ooh! This looks like fun! It says I have cancer. We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg. Hey, Stewie, you better come down. The party's about to start.

Where are you taking this thing? Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138. You think you could get me a room by the pool? (LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star. (MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in. There it is, 2187.

Really? I didn't know. I actually have quite a jazz collection myself. - What do you like? - DJ Jazzy Jeff! I'm kidding! Oh, you got me. Oh, you got me, yeah. No, I really like Coleman Hawkins, Ben Webster. Oh, and early Coltrane, before he got clean.

And here we go with the attitude. This is why you're single. Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid? You hear that? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there.

Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too. I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt. Whoops.

Stewie, step aside. Penelope, I can't let you do this. Stewie, she's one year old. I think I can handle this myself. (EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in.

I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked.

(EXCLAIMING) DREYFUSS: We talked into the night,

Playing songs on the harp. Of course most of them are about rape, but it's still nice.

Well, so now what? I say we go upstairs and have a long talk, and we don't come down until we've made a decision that we both can live with. (SIGHING) All right, Lois.

One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.

Oh. Yeah. Well, what should I do? Um, Chef?

Hey, you want to know something cool? I threw up a lot in high school, so I don't get my period anymore. Wow, this is the one you have been waiting for, huh, Brian? (CHORTLING) Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian? You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone.

I can't believe I'm missing Ronnie's party for this. That Ronnie's a bad influence. Yeah, that little bastard sold me some really bad crack! Stay out of it, Herb! You're not even his real father. Yes. We're checking in.

Uh-oh. This is not good. We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

See kids? One day the world is going to be just like our home. All races living together in harmony and love.

Of course a man made it.

I can't believe this is coming out of my mouth, but I love... (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Mmm-hmm. Who are you trying to convince, Brian? Me or you? Oh. Brian, Brian, what a mess. Don't get antsy. I got 3 minutes left.

Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Oh, thank you all so much. What thoughtful gifts. Lois, there's one more. Oh, Brian, you don't have to give me anything. Oh. Well, give it back, then. (LAUGHING) No. No, we have fun.

Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home!

Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home!

God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.

Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED! Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years!

Hey, everyone. You'll never guess who I ran into at the market just now. Your hairdresser who's almost dead from cancer?

This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow! MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more?

Merry Christmas, buddy. Ha! Wonder what this could be? Oh. This Christmas rocks! Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom? Aw, It's ok, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, Honey, you got a little something--

Have you ever seen such a waste of the taxpayers' money? You're talking to me! This is more exciting than that time me and my friends did mushrooms. This is gonna be awesome!

I wasn't ready. Hi! (EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett. Very well, Solo, if you won't talk,

Okay, well, I guess you can take my license. 'Course, it's all the way up here. Peter, knock it off. Give it to me. Right here. Here you go, Officer. Give me the damn license. Don't you want it? Here. This is in poor taste, Peter. Having some trouble there? You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand. You and I are like two... Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay?

You could have been killed! I could have been killed! Look at my car! Well, you know, if you had just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa, none of this would have happened!

Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from. Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

The King of England, Stewart the Third. (SIGHS) I'm so bored. I wish to be entertained. Where's my troupe of actors? (TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE) Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother! You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code.

All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks.

Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! No, I'm not! Him. Yeah. He's a real lightweight. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed Just the women! Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married

Guys, Bonnie's going into labor!

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy.

It just seems to me that perhaps it's time to think about retirement.

Hold out your stockings, kids! Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck. Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape.

Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry! I think we just have to face it, Peter. Brian's a big-time Hollywood director, and we're just simple, small-town people.

I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird. Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore.

It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy! Peter Griffin, temporarily suspended C.P.R... Holy crap! We should go. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex.

Look, this country was founded by people who came here to escape religious persecution. They made sure we all had a right to religious freedom, and it's my job to protect that. So there's nothing we can do? You could contribute to the Policeman's Ball. What? What does that have to do with a sick child?

Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year! That sounds terrific. How about you, kids? I would like a pair of skates Then I'd go out skating But I really don't know how to skate!

Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh?

Brian? (BOTH GASP) Santa Claus! That's right. It's Santa Claus. And you've got to listen to me.

just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we? Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker. Well, I know who you are.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy!

I'd like to propose a toast.

You've gotta be kitten me! Ha! (GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries. What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?

Peter, are you a witch? Yeah. But don't tell anyone. The consequences could be dire! Hey, You guys, I bet I can go up to each one of those scary-looking bikers and say, "hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons?" Peter, no! Peter, Now you're just being brainless.

I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

(WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING) See? Chris, turn that off. We have a lot of work to do before we go inside. (RADIO SWITCHING OFF) All right. If I'm gonna be seen with you, we have to do something about that look. Now, take that hat off. (BAT SCREECHING) Oh, God! Your hair's all combed. Here. Let me fix that.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Anybody want more pizza rolls? Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote. Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion.

Oh, yes. He's on in an hour.

Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING) Brian, you might want to look outside. Oh, my God!

Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.

Damn it. (GASPS) (YELLING) Guys, guys, be careful! This isn't my box! Oh, yeah, sure. Then whose is it? MAN: It's mine.

- But, Rita... - Go!

(WHISPERING) Will I ever see my baby brother again? Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people, it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walking along, they stop and say, "Oh, is that a new restaurant?"

None of this stuff's ever gonna apply to my real life. I'm just gonna go work in the mines, anyway, like my dad. How would you like to stay for an hour after the trial? I'm real scared. Is your dad hitting you, Peter? Shut up, just shut up! You have no right, man! You don't know nothing about my side of town! Look, he's guilty, I just know it.

I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together. Please, just let me try. Carter, you had sex with that woman. So, no, I can't trust you. But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either.

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

Time for dinner, sweetie. Very well, then. Take off your shirt. No, honey. No, no. Tonight we're gonna have formula instead. (EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.

Well, I'm all done shoveling your walk, Mr. Herbert. Thanks, Chris, but there's some in here, too. BRIAN: Hey, check it out, lemon snow.

Oh, it sure was nice of you to invite us out on your yacht, Mr. Pewterschmidt. It's not a boat, it's a yacht! Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, is... In here, thanks. Okay, now add 20. Okay. - Now multiply it by four. - Okay. - And what do you got? - 8,008. And what does 8,008 look like on a calculator? Oh! "Boob!" Boob! Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci jr. High cheerleaders. is everybody pumped up? Gimme A d-u-s-t! D-U-S-T! M-i-t-e-s! M-i-T-E-S! What does that spell? Dust Mites! Who's gonna win this game? Dust Mites!

I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

I'm afraid not. He's still only speaking gibberish. Yeah, and we could live without the semen throwing, I'll tell you that.

You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses. I got to put in my contacts. By the way, the repair shop called. They said they can't fix your camera.

Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.

(SOBBING) Meg, what's wrong? Eli's father, Ezekiel, said that I can't see him anymore! He said I was trying to corrupt his son. He did, did he? Well, that does it!

Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out. (CHUCKLING) I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it? Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this? I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it. Okay, okay, I can do this. All right, lay down.

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me? I'm sorry, Meg. I had to tell them! Don't give him crap for this, Meg. He did exactly the right thing by coming to us.

Some dog is going around town trying to get support for gay marriage. Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition. Really? Chris, you've got to destroy that petition. Why? Because if you do, I'll let you touch my boobs. Is--Is--Is that good? Do--Do I want that? Oh, yeah, you want that. Well, fantastic then.

Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone. Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I say, I could be a millionaire playboy.

Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. Piss off, you perverted old freak! Oh, we got a fighter.

Unless you 're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to f ha ve James Woods Someone to strive for Do or die for You ha ve James Woods It's true

I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!

I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over!

They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed.

Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed. Oh, my God! Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel?

Damn you, ice cream.

(LAUGHING) Say, you know, when you take that vacation, don't forget traveler's insurance. A lot of people do, and a lot of people are sorry.

Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y about any sort of stupid shit.

This can be a pain in the ass when you got to do it all by yourself. You're telling me. All right. Go ahead and drop it in. Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful when it reaches adulthood. Yeah. I love plants. So what happened with that kid you were telling me about? He admitted defeat and ran off. What a mook!

Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING)

I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS)

Meanwhile, here at home. Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak! We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us. Good point, tom.

It was gonna be hilarious!

Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh!

Merry Christmas, dude. Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell.

I'll try. Thanks, Mom. I love you. I... You, too, honey.

Or tie it in a knot, your choice. We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger.

Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob. You're thinking of the Mob in the movies. How am I funny? I don't know. You say funny things. No, No. I mean, I'm what? Am I George Carlin funny? Am I Spin City funny? Rita Rudner funny? What? Come on. Rita Rudner funny. Yeah. Rita Rudner funny. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.

Well, yes, but the worst part was he never called back. (ALL LAUGHING) No, but in all seriousness, yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive. (DOORBELL RINGING) Package for Dr. Hartman. All right, where's the package? Here it is.

Gene manipulation, sterilization. They want my seed! But from the look of your pupils, I'd say it's some kind of mind-control serum... or not. Mind control? But I feel so lucid. Yes, you look spot on to me. Why, Thank you. I try to work out. But who has the time, besides trophy wives?

Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy

Stewie, what's wrong?

Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg.

You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yes! What? What is it? (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) You can't say that! But it got said! What? What? By who? All right, fine, fine! I'll try it, you bastard! Now step onto the return pad. Now brace yourself. Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality. (BEEPING) (MACHINE ZAPPING)

Well, that sucks. Look, I don't do it on purpose! Well, looks like you got a handle on it, then. No, we don't. He practically smothers me every night. Well, are you hogging the blankets? No! "Probably hogging blankets." And if he's not smothering me, he's keeping me up all night writing with that giant plume of his. (PLUME SCRATCHING) Dearest Augustine,

Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching.

Thanks. Um, Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, God!

Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"... and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter. All right. All right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster." That's the spirit. - You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

Oh! I think it's sexy. I think it's gay. It's not gay, Brian. If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay. Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay. He was not. He had a mustache, which is practically like a wedding ring.

Hey, I thought maybe we can go get some coffee later. I don't think so. Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? - Who's a good boy? - Me. Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy. But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later.

I don't want to die!

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD)

Oh! 'Cause Brent can't fit in the glory hole And that's why we all like Brent (SPLUTTERS)

at least it will be in a second. WOMAN: Black Jesus Jerome? What the... What the hell are you doing here? Oh, Peter, something terrible's happened.

Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down.

This is why Boxbuster went out of business. Hey, what's going on over there? (BOTH GASP) My God, look at all this devastation. What the hell happened? (CHICKEN CLUCKING)

Peter, how are you doing that? I don't know, Lois. I'm scared. Well, come down. I can't. Get help. Call somebody. Who do I call? I don't know. A police... A fire... A scientist! Call a scientist! Okay, you kids stay here with your father. I'm gonna go find a scientist. Am I gonna die?

Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.

We're also The Tigers.

Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it? Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this? I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it. Okay, okay, I can do this. All right, lay down. It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that. It's like watching someone do algebra. I just have no conception of how it's done.

Can't hold on much longer.

I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir.

(GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening?

Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.

Ah, Come on, stud.

You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those.

When I'm with him, he makes me happy. And he needs me. Meg, you're fooling yourself. It's classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome. You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection.

That's good old-fashioned family racism. Well, well, a lost child. Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing.

We pulled it off, guys. Oh, thank God. And all because I believed in myself like Pop-Pop always said.

It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future. Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he?

Well, yeah, but this has Johnny Depp as some kind of very funny tea-drinking homo. Come on, Peter. Billy's our guest. (SIGHS) All right, we'll watch The Cove. (MEN SHOUTING) Oh, my God! I don't want to see this! I know you can't tell this, but the one who's about to get her throat cut, she's sorta hot.

Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?

I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy. I don't think he's ever done anything as laughable as this book. Look, all right, well... What do you want? I wrote it in a day. (AUDIENCE GASPING) Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours. I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me. I was just trying to write something that would sell.

Meanwhile, here at home. Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery. I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy.

Suddenly Life has new meaning to me

I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say--Say "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie." Ha! Don't forget the taint.

Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again! (ALL CLUCKING) Let me out of here! I can't watch another second!

Mom, can I be excused? I want to go eat the rest of my food up in my room. Sure, Meg, if you want. Eating disorder! I don't know what's going on with Meg. She doesn't want to leave her room these days.

Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion.

Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face.

I love you with all me heart. You do? Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you! Oh, Keep playing. I think this is as good as it's gonna get. Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either. Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell.

Well, you've effectively ended my reign of coolness, haven't you? You're a disgrace, you know that? Hey, you're the one with the tiny penis. (SIGHS) You know, Connie, look. You're right. I behaved like a fool. And I apologize, but before I go, could I maybe have one last kiss? Well, I guess so.

Listen, Lois, I--I really appreciate you putting your discomfort aside, so we could have the wedding here. Oh, please, I'm over all that now. Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way! Aw, Crap! Hold it right there! Or what? Don't shoot! Now shoot!

You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit. There's one right behind me, isn't there?

Sorry, pumpkin. You know we don't negotiate with kidnappers. Family policy. Daddy, no! Please! Please! She'll be all right. Come on. What do you say? Well, I do have that really slutty dress you hate.

TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next, To Catch a Predator Who's Proud of Being a Predator. Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline. Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old? No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!

It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny. Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.

Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache? Nice fish you got there, Griffin. What are you selling? Your bait? Um,

We now return to Little House on the Prairie. That's wonderful, Mary. You're doing great with your Braille. I couldn't have done it without you, Pa. Why don't you go up to bed and get some sleep, honey? Shh.

Hey, guys, all the action's over here! Quagmire, what is all this? Peter's new co-worker gave me an idea. Welcome to Disabled Ladies Night. Mine are made from teak. What are yours made from? Yeah, mine are actually just pressboard with wood veneer. - I can't get wet. - Oh. I think I see my friends.

the plantation owner's daughter. Of course, ordinarily, black guys aren't attracted to white women, but she was something different. As a poet might say, she was the kind of woman you just want to have sex with over and over. With the kind of breasts you just wanna push together so she looks like a cross-eyed torso.

Dear God, I'm un-teething. Brian, it appears the flow of reverse time is beginning to affect us as well. What does that mean? It means I'm going to have to relive everything. Every painful, awkward moment. Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.

As far as I'm concerned, that casts doubt.

From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me

Mmm. Mmm. (DOOR BURSTS OPEN) Stewie? I just finished the book, you dirty birdie.

Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher. You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test. (GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby

I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine!

time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

I assure you, I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sight. Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Okay, all right, that's... That's seven 16-ounce steaks. Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm...

All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away.

Between our frozen dinners And our bedtime, 9:15 We snuggle watching Lucy On a big, enormous 12-inch screen

Well, Well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead! Oh, Good. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone. No, No, no! If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again.

My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on?

So, um, would you want to do something sometime?

You know, I'm going to move to New York City when I'm older, 'cause it's twinkly and big and this is where dreams come true, and that giant bird's coming for us, isn't he? (SCREECHES)

Let someone else worry about hurricanes.

(HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down! Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. (CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING)

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot.

Dead brill, eh? Ah! Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker! It's a fake. It's not real. I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

Chris, come down here. I need to talk to you.

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair. (ALL GASPING) What? Carter, is this true? Yes, it's true. Oh, dear! (SOBBING)

Lois, what are you doing? Neither of us is drunk. HEy, Knock it off! Oh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump! The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey.

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I... (BOTH GASPING) Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom.

You guys? Oh, my God!

Did I say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"? Did you hear me say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"? Well, I just thought that... You thought what? You know, if you want access to this temple, you better pay the proper tribute. All right, that is it! I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way.

I am gonna be a Renaissance Faire jouster! Oh, Peter!

Oh, yes! Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING)

MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk.

Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God! Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. I'm talking about that! Holy crap!

Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow. You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all.

- There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry.

JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING)

BRIAN: There it is, Berlin. So, this is Berlin, huh? Doesn't seem so bad. Dear God, this place is nightmarish. Look at the offensive way they draw Jewish people.

Why not? Why not? That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you!

Come on, you set me up for that one.

Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem. What? What is it? The transfer circuits are powered by uranium, and this thing is tapped out. Wait a minute. Are you saying we need to find some uranium? I'm afraid so.

Ach! Unsere Unterseeboot sind stehlen mit eine dog und baby und Art Garfunkel!

Oh. Hey. This is the week you guys were coming up? Huh. And here I am, cream on my face, hair a mess, and in mid-coitus. I must look a sight.

Okay, now, I'm an excellent night nurse, so you two get some much-deserved sleep and don't worry about a thing. I will take such loving care of this wonderful little gift. And when you wake up, well-rested, your precious little baby will be smiling as bright as the sun. It's dead.

I'm sick of both of you. Come on, PeteR. Death, put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite! I don't have skin! THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans! ComE on. Come on. Get back in your big, fat body. Why should I help some guy save his marriage when I can't even get a girl? Whoa, whoa, Whoa, wait! What are you saying?

Any--Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me, as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Because i'm--i'm ri-- I'm here. God, you're so funny. MEG? Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here?

All right, settle down. Good morning, class. Morning, Dad. Morning, Dad.

Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed. Oh, my God! Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel? Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

C-O-A-G-A... (BUZZER RINGING) Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. Bet you could spell "box cutter."

Dazed and Confused was the one thing that was passable. After that...

"Beer. Deodorant. Garbage bags. Toothpaste."

Wow. If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in,

I'd like to try it on a human first. Interested? " don't know. Interested? undefinedDid you just say that? Wes. I'll do it! Peter, the operation was a complete success! What are you going to do now? The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore?

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

Brian, will you take me down to babyGap? I want to dress like a small douche. No. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday. But you said you'd do it today. I'm kind of tired. For God's sake. Cancel my Tuesday appointments. Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day? No, no. Just cancel it. Okay, will do.

Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay?

- Hi, Carl. - Hey, Bear.

Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?

Saturday night at midnight, you're dead! All of you are dead! Midnight on Saturday? Thank God! We can still be in the talent show! From the top, boys. 5, 6, 7, 8. Once again, here is how it should sound.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share!

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off! Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count.

Thank you, Tricia. After the interval, find out which 12 football teams tied tonight.

Oops! Speak of the devil. Oops, make that devils.

(MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop.

Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at? The underpants, lose them! A-Actually, I kinda-- I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, you know, maybe tomorrow-- Take 'em off! Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey.

But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you...

What is your tax plan?

Peter, what's going on? Quagmire's having a sleepover with me. You can't be serious. Look, Lois, I told you that I need to have somebody sleeping next to me, all right? Now if that's not going to be you... Fine! Do what you want. I don't care. But I think it's very strange. Okay, that's the one thing it's not. Yeah, it's not strange. I already told you, I don't care. It's not strange.

He needs you to help him exercise. Yeah, He finally figured out how to catch the Twinkie. Ha ha! I'm turning you into poo! Well, I'm going down to The Beautiful People's Club. guess I can take him with me. Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore.

Come on, that's right, you bastard. Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here. You can have the real estate section. It's for schmucks, anyway.

Wow! Look at all this cool stuff! Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything.

But I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow-kite. This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong? You got to get her running before you start running.

Lies the seed That with the sun's love In the spring Becomes the rose

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity. (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two

Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING)

I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner.

(HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now?

What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you! You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois? Chemistry class? Freshman year? Joycie? You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong? Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney.

Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.

MAN: Does Lauren Conrad have a new beau? An anonymous source has the answers. STEWIE: Oh, yeah. I know that guy. His name's Brian Griffin, and he definitely boned Lauren last night. Great. Great. That's fantastic. Well, I think it's wonderful that you're dating such a classy, well-educated girl like Lauren...

Everyone, meet Jeffrey, the newest member of the Club of Forgotten Children. Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low

Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

All right, class. That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oink has set the curve again. Oh, dang! That is some smart pig. Good thing I copied off of Oinky.

Lois? Over here, honey. I'm chopping carrots for a salad. Here. Use this headlamP. HEy, Where's the kidS? Upstairs, doing their homework by candlelighT. Damn pig-dog Americans! messing with my family like thIS! Honey, we can't bathe, We can't do laundry. There's no heat.

Oh! Ugh! Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, You set out to make him feel better, now he's worse than ever. Yeah, I don't know, Lois. He--He's probably over there waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit.

A hangnail It ain't beautiful It hurts like a bitch that I did last night Hey Chris. What are you doing? Just laying back in the cot peepin' at this here homey. yo, Pops! Let me have some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game grillin' me over my gear. And I needs to be mackin' style!

Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule. I don't like fancy learnin' books I don't like apple tarts I don't like cozy breakfast nooks I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts

Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. It's okay, Daddy. I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. (COUGHING) Uh, listen, there's been a mistake.

All right, Glenn. This exercise should help teach you self-control. Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog. Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens. Old nuns. Really old nuns. Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go.

Perfect giant beach ball weather. Would you like another John Barrymore and soda? Ah, yes. Thank you, Clarence. How are things in Terriblehood? Terrible, sir. Good, good. You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath,

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

(HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh? We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn and watch Jimmy Kimmel try. No, thank you, Peter. And even if I wanted to, the TV is out. There must be something wrong with the dish.

Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8.

Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)

No, not AA. A-A-A. Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh? So you are with AAA? Oh, no, that's A-A-A. I just came from AA, eh? Huh? Stewie, I think he's just a drunk. Well, drunk or not, can you help us? I can if you want to join AA, eh?

Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible?

Peter, you joined the Tea Party? That's right, Brian. I finally got something better to do with my Saturdays than sit at the mall and watch Japanese girls laugh at normal conversation. So, I drove to work this morning... (GIRLS LAUGHING) ...and I had to stop for coffee. So, there's a Starbucks near my house...

Specimen Z isn't Carter's body. What is it? Specimen Z is a cure for cancer. Carter didn't die. He cured himself. Hold it right there. (BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit?

Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

Well, If you get us a tree, I'll make sure Santa brings you a new V.C.R. Please? Oh, crap. How come I-- Commercial! hey, Mom, I got something to add to my Christmas list. A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes. Not costume, real.

Jesus Christ, unbelievable. All right, I'll be back. (WIND HOWLING) Oh, crap! Don't worry, I'll get it. (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) It is Jesus! Oh, my God! It's him! It's Jesus!

Why not? Why not? Why not? That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working!

"I'm not gonna forget my lunch." And she's all, like, "Meg, don't forget "your half-time routine at the game." Uh! Moms! Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game. Go, team! Uncool people are like animals. Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school?

We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you?

Peter, how could you have tried to sell our daughter? All right, Lois, I don't want this to ruin our date night, so I'll make it up to you. Oh, Peter. "I'm sorry I tried to sell our daughter." Yeah, you don't know how hard it was to find one of those in English.

Now come on, Get in your radiation suits. Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event, because of some wacko doomsday theory. Ok, Ok.

For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom. Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.

There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life?

I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me!

All right, we're going Brazilian. Hey, what's this? Some kind of really old coin. Let me see that. Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token. This thing's got to be worth 50 grand. 50 grand? Oh, my God! I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart.

This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending. Well, Look at the bright side, Lois.

Somebody's got to be making these things up. Well, who? I don't know. But haven't you ever wanted to find out? Well, yeah, but how would anyone do that? A quest, Joe. We go on a quest to find the source of the world's dirty jokes. Who's with me? Well, I'm with you.

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge. (FARTING)

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race

Yes, and it seems to be quite a successful party. Several of them have already committed suicide. Great party. Totally! MAMET: Hey, Tony. Oh, my God, that's David Mamet. There's the man of the evening. I read your play, An American Marriage. It was incredibly raw. I was pretty damn impressed.

And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there. And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney? I'm sorry, honey.

QUAGMIRE: No! (BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he?

Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa?

FEMALE VOICE: Oh, God! Nobody's touched me like that for so long. (MOANING EXCITEDLY) Oh, no! I think I hear my husband. Honey, I'm home. What the hell is this? (SHOUTING) Who's he? Thank God you're home, honey. He tried to rape me. Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

See, Peter, I told you! No one wants to come!

I'm sorry, Carol.

Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138. You think you could get me a room by the pool? (LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star. (MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in.

You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah!

You know, if you had any balls, you'd put that gun down, and we could settle this like men. (LAUGHING) That's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you. Hey, I'm serious, man. Unless you're scared I can take you. Suit yourself, man. Just means you're gonna die slower.

Yeah, touch her and, uh, kiss her and touch her penis. I mean, no, not that. Not that.

(PLAYING) My word, what a fascinating man this Jesus must've been. I can just imagine meeting him. (SHEEP BAAING)

Fucking idiot. Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking.

My baby boy got beat up by a girl. What was weird was that she was crying, but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying, which was weird. Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first.

Hey, Horace, what the hell's this? It's a karaoke machine. I never got around to installing it. A karaoke machine? Wait a minute, that's it. We'll turn this place into a karaoke bar. Oh, man, that's the best idea since they faked the moon landing.

Hang on a second. Who's that? That's Jared's mom. Her husband died in Iraq. Really? No, wait. He was either wounded or killed. I don't remember. Well, which is it, Stewie, wounded or killed? I can work with either. No, no, he's dead. He's dead. Just like the Pink Panther.

It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose? Meg... Meg? I love you.

(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?

(GUNSHOT) What the hell? (SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind?

So, how's the weaning going? Oh, it's horrible. Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

(THUD) Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

Peter, you want another waffle? I can't, Lois. I promised Janice I'd take her shift. Can I get two eggs, scrambled, on toast? Sure thing, honey. Adam and Eve on a raft, wreck them! I'd like a hotdog with ketchup and some Jell-O, please. Paint a bow-wow red and a side of nervous pudding! Can I have a well-done burger with lettuce and tomato? Burn one, drag it through the garden, pin a rose on it! Can I use your bathroom?

(LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore!

The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage. Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

you'd never ask me to do something so degrading!

Quagmire, you feeling okay? I don't know. I think I might have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned my daughter. Why did I give away my only daughter? (SOBBING) Oh, God! He'll be fine. We shouldn't let this ruin our night.

I love you, Cleveland. Uh... I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches.

Oh, my God! We were robbed! Is anything missing? No. I don't think sO. Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape? Should I call the cops? I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner.

So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

Really? Where is it? Brian, it's so exclusive that it doesn't even have a location. It's in here. Human heart. I think that's a beat we can all dance to. Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better. Hey, Brian, what do you say we sing Stewie some real music?

eh... Ah! Ah! Ow! Oh, God! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cool! He's bleeding! Just like in the movies! Hmm...

Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy? Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here! Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is.

We're gonna miss you, Death. Hey, Don't worry. I'll be back. really, really soon. Is he joking? Ok, see you later.

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?

Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me.

Wow, this is amazing, Chris. Look at this, Lois, a week ago, we call him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. Right, stupid? (GROANS) I'll do better.

Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a good long time. Them boys rassled for a full 5 minutes before the manager stepped in. Come on! Hands off, fatty! Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here.

You said we were going to The Price Is Right. Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh?

Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban for your approval. Excellent. This is so important, I'm going to sign it with all capital letters. It's going to say, "ADAM WEST." That's what it's going to say, you'll see. Hey, buddy, you can't go in there. (PANTING) Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten thousand signatures.

Oh, my God, I told you!

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?

Check out my penis!

Oh, wait. I can do this part. So, yeah. Thanks. I feel a lot better now. (SNIFFING) Smell's gone.

It's really deep and freaky and disorienting. (SCREAMING) (THUDS) - Peter! Oh, my God! Dad! PETER: It's okay! There's a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushioned my fall!

Hey, ugly. Excellent!

So, What the hell, Brian? You cured yet? I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture, like some Italian family. My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God!

Dolphins, actually. Well, yeah, but this has Johnny Depp as some kind of very funny tea-drinking homo. Come on, Peter. Billy's our guest. (SIGHS) All right, we'll watch The Cove.

(CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit?

But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING)

Oh, come on, Meg. It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool. But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff. You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count?

MAN: You make me hurt you!

Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS) I did not want to have to do that. They were very nice to me up until then.

Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes?

Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can just up and run away, you crazy. I like to eat people from other planets. Especially y'all.

It's a trap! (LAUGHS) Just kidding. We'll get there later. So, let's pretty much just attack like we did last time. Sound good? No need to fix what ain't broke, right?

No, I don't need National Geographic. No... Yeah, we'll hang on to Boys' Life. Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50.

(SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Okay, great. Let's pretend you're a tollbooth worker and I'm molesting you. Okay. I don't have any change. Now take off that parka. Uh, uh, uh. You're gonna have to pay a high toll if you want to get into this tunnel. Come on, don't say stuff like that. I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA! All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the Old West, where brave pioneers survived against long odds.

I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms,

Hey, what's up, douche bags? I'm here to audition for this stupid pilot.

I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

"Hotel maid wanted."

My God, you know what this means? You're all accessories to my escape. She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right. I have a very tough time standing up in the car. Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together.

If you don't like it, let's get out of here. Not till we've searched the place. (GASPS) You guys?

(BARKING) (WHISTLING) (BARKING)

Oh, Meg! A woman from Child Services came and took Stewie! She said we fed him dog food! Dog food, huh? Meg, Is that a real Prada bag? How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress in one week? It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby.

It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess-- Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard. That's why we got that Steven Hawking guy. My God, this house is freakin' sweet

(ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

Chris, A. Meg, F. Ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation. Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that?

(TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right?

I used to, but it's all gone downhill since Muriel died. She could get away with overcharging people, because they were always mentally undressing her and then re-dressing her once they saw the horrible mess underneath. But in that interval, she robbed them blind. (SOBBING)

That is our word! You've got no right using it! Hey--hey--hey, I'm cool. I'm cool. No problem. Could--Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? Thank you. Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh,

I was giving a piano lesson. Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man. Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too.

Lois, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Chris, the guys from the prison... Counting Crows. If I'm forgetting anybody, I'm sorry. Goodnight, everybody! Our thoughts are with you, Chevy! TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem...

Uh, and if this is Mom, uh, send money because we're college students and we need money for books and highlighters, and Ramen Noodles, and condoms for sexual relations with our classmates. All right, fine. You can stay if you want. But what do I tell Lois? You don't have to tell her anything.

Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING)

Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention! Come on. Let's get out of here.

Shit, I should have said something. He let me say it twice now. It's like we're married. (MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far? What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out. Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail. Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.

I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived. Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter.

You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade. Now Help me get my money back.

Hey, we have almost the same voice. Excuse me, I'm the prison doctor. I'm here for Andy's check-up. Andy Dufresne? Yeah, Andy Dufresne. We can't find him. Well, that's no good. All right, you two are gonna have to leave. I want him found now. Not after breakfast, not after CSI, now.

Well, I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me. And then stopped believing in me rather abruptly. So what do you say? You ready to go back to where we both belong? Yup. Let's go home. Sounds good. Hey, check out this picture James Woods texted me. What is that? A balloon running out of air?

Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion.

I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

WhAt? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh, uh, I mean, What?

Stewie's having fun. Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me. Hey, who wants a Fenway frank? Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy," like a Fenway frank.

But I don't want to date anyone else. I want Anna. Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin!

What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.

Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt!

Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing. I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

"It's like a half-hour commute." And she said, "I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's pre-school." (SCREAMING) Hey, Lois, look at me, I got post-partum depression!

I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years. It's choppier, it's more texturized. Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name? Well, now that you know how it feels, maybe you want to give him an apology. You went to Taki, didn't you? Look, Peter, I'm sorry for the way I treated you,

Ah, yes, here it is, "One way." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out. In a body bag from dog injuries. Good day, ma'am.

Heh. Come on, Stewie. Don't you want to pee in a toilet bowl like a big boy? I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it!

Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

Good. I thought you were going to say something. But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose. What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right.

Let's take this one. Y-You like that color? What's wrong with the color? I--i don't know. It's just, it's so dark. Well, yes. But it doesn't show dirt. What? It doesn't show dirt. I--I guess. It, uh, uh... You know, This really is the first place we've gone to. Perhaps we should try another lot. Sold!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, you're gonna be ok. Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be staying with us for a few days.

Five and six. (SIGHS) Five and six. About the same? Yeah, they're pretty much... Can I see five one more time?

Ra y, your mother insulted my steak pizzola again. Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

Oh, my God. (STUTTERING) No, it's really not that bad. It only hurts when I see. You don't have to stay with a man who treats you that way. Oh, Jeff's sweet. You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone. Do you hear yourself? He shouldn't be hitting you at all. I don't think you understand how serious a matter...

RED: What the warden and his boys didn't realize was that Andy Dufresne had escaped from Shawshank Prison the night before. (FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV)

Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head. What? I'll miss you. Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch? Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie.

All right, new arrivals. There's only one way you're not getting on that train. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Well, we got a few hours to kill. What do you want to do? Let's get something to eat. We don't have any money.

(FARTING CONTINUES) (SPLASHES) Ah! Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren.

Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job.

Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white?

Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot! What can I get you, sir?

Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming. (LAUGHING) "We don't... We don't even know why she's coming." You are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second. Huh?

I mean, look at my...

Mrs. Griffin. What a nice surprise. Come in. Mr. Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home last night.

(PEOPLE CHEERING) (SCREAMING) (PEOPLE SHOUTING) Well, I guess he did do it.

Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what?

Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God!

Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you. Thank you very much. PETER: You're welcome. For this next song, I'm gonna need some help from a member of the audience. So, let's see. What's your name? Claire. No, I don't like that. What's yours? Harriet. No, it's gotta be two syllables.

Let me just get my purse. (Lois) Sucker!

Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug. (CONTINUES CRYING)

I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies. Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife. Oh, just a housewife? Look, I'm all for equality, but if you ask me, feminism is about choice.

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me?

Yeah, I'll check that out.

Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name? Dr. Hartman. Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal". No!

you let me out of here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again. RED: When I got out of Shawshank, there was only one thing on my mind. A promise I made to a friend that I had to keep. ANDY: Walk along the stone wall until you reach the tree,

Anything new with corn?

I'm Peter. Well, let's eat. You must be starving, Peter. What am I, on trial here? Maybe you should just eat something, Peter. Go on, put some food in your mouth. Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God! Peter, are you feeling all right?

There's Waldo. Fresh pepper? Yes, thank you. Oh, that's plenty, thanks. None for me, thanks.

I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson! Peter, the toilet paper is made of money. Yeah, and look at this. They even got some of that high-class British porn. Almost. Almost. Almost.

(PHONE RINGING) Penguin Publishing. One moment, please. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line... Out. Get out! Get out now!

You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask. No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore. I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in...

I--I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i... I--I don't see any reason to--to throw it out. It's... The waist is still fine. You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands. Have you seen this child? No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open. MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

Who in the world would want to kill a camper? JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me.

I--i--I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But, uh, would I do it all again? We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. We now go live to the Rhode island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa is standing by. Trisha?

I don't want to die! There's so much I have left to do. Yeah. You and me both, man.

For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. (ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure. Brian, what hell?

Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?

but I was wondering if you want to go to Vegas with me and see Celine Dion.

Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah!

There he is. Crap. Daddy? What's going on here? Brian here has stolen something very important from me. Give it to me, Brian. Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, but he won't release it because it's not profitable. So I stole it.

Brian? Brian! Oh. Is the soup ready? Yeah. Got it right here. Oh, good. I need to take my pills. It's been three hours. You know, they warned me these blue ones were gonna make me constipated. Right they were. Okay. I am plugged up.

You're the laughingstock of the poop world. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe.

And through the years, when there was disease or infection, people of good faith would pray to God for a cure. Yes. It's what we do. Well, then isn't it possible that penicillin, vaccines and antibiotics are all actually answered prayers?

And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want. (EXCLAIMS) Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle. You had your chance and you blew it. Well, now you're too late.

Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder. Nope. Oh, this is horrible! Maybe you guys were right. Maybe our town has changed. I know, it's awful. Pretty soon, guys are just gonna be showing their boners to babies and stuff, I bet.

Yeah, listen, don't help or anything. I'm totally fine. Damn IrisH.

Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah!

and run your fingers along the length of your tail.

Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for?

Man, I wish I could listen to some Tatooine, Wind & Fire right now.

Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?

Billiam, are you there?

Hey, Brian. How you doing? They let you out already? Peter, I was in a therapy session, not a lunatic asylum. Hey--hey--Hey, calm down. Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives. What did your therapist say?

Oh, Peter! Why are you naked in my house? Why aren't you? You're all right, Griffin.

(CHUCKLING SHEEPISHLY) Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your lives. Uh... Yeah, I didn't read it. Hey, so you're the guy. (LAUGHS) It's actually... It's actually very popular. Well, it may be popular, but I have to say I agree with Arianna.

It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers.

You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened!

Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up.

You are just douchy to the core.

MAN ON TV: We now return to JAG. Harm, I found that evidence we need. Now we can finally clear that Chief Petty Officer of all charges. Oh, what's the point? Does anybody even watch this show? Well, yeah, old people. I mean, they--they--they don't really pay attention. They--They just like the noise and the company. Hey, how you doing? How's that hip doing there?

Boy, the rain's really coming down. I know, I've never seen anything like it.

What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts?

Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive, every one of you! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country, but the record wouldn't allow it. But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. And that's where Chris came into the picture.

Thank God, we're finally here. That plane ride took forever. Kind of weird they showed Flight 93 on Flight 93. Hi. We're checking in. Griffin? Hmm, I do have a Griffin here, but that room was checked into hours ago. What? Yes, and I'm afraid we have no other rooms available.

God! Just listen to this kid's report on Great Expectations. "Miss Havisham should have throwed that cake out so it don't like... "mess all up the bitch's house." I don't know what to do, you know? Society's given up on these kids. I feel like I may be the only one who can help them. I think your problem is you're not communicating in a way... that speaks to their experience.

(ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis. You say that about everybody.

LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

Meg, order up! Here you go, hon. From Flappy himself. I don't care if they're from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan! Try them. You'll like them. Yes, well, I rather doubt that. Oh. Yes! Oh, These are delectable.

What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist--

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Really? You don't know why?

I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day Until he seen his I bet you muthafuckas will too Because it's die muthafucka, die muthafucka still fool

Peter, he's not relaxing. He's in a great deal of pain. Damn it, don't you see what you did to him? I told you not to take him to that eating competition, and you deliberately defied me! All right, what's this really about? Peter, Chris is already overweight. We need to start taking responsibility for his health. So I decided to sign him up for fat camp.

Come on, kid, we're not out of the woods yet. Here they come. (HUMMING STAR WARS BATTLE THEME)

You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me!

(SQUAWKS) (SNAPS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Isn't this epic, Peter? That DJ has got some mad skills.

(MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing.

Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it.

This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

You bastards! I'll get my question answered one way or another.

Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

Here it comes, Jeremy! I got it! I got it! Yes! Yeah! Woo! All right! I'm the man! Yeah!

Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING)

Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol? Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him!

(PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet!

That's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night. Ok, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Wait a second. Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar.

Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack.

She was so young. She was so beauti... She was so gener... We were married.

UH, Hey, can I join you? I guess. What's your namE? Josh. Do you, like, live around herE? No. I, uh, I live with my mom. Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up!

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.

No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it! HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP! Ow! Ow! Ow! Brian! 5.3 seconds. I could have been dead by now! what, you mean--You mean, you're not really-- I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents!

You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it? Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos. Y'know, If you stay home, then you're just proving to the other kids that you don't belong there. Yeah.

All right, it's 4:59. In just a few seconds, all the unreturned library books will be officially late. The wieners was already drawed in the books when I got 'em.

Well, I could try. I don't know. Sometimes it's all too much. What is? Life. Everything. Just having the gun here, knowing there's a way out, it helps. Yes, but a gun, it's so messy. What about pills?

Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.

My client was injured listening to this audio book. We're suing you for every penny you've got. What? Why? You're liable as publisher. I'm here to seize your assets. Griffin. Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion? Quick, everyone get in the attic. Peter, what is that? Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect.

Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot!

Oh, God, what happened to my baby. Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe this! ...what a cavity search is.

yech. Hello, operator? Hello? Oh, God, that's right. You have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this. Oh, Yes. 867-5309. That's it. No, wait. That's not it! Damn you, Tommy Tutone! There's only one thing to do.

Jeez, Brian, buckle up. Hey, What do you say, Dad? I don't want to be a bother. It's no bother, is it, Lois?

Open up. Stewie. The airplane's coming in for a landing.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

(GASPS) The king! The king is here! Oh, I didn't vote for him! Your majesty, this is a real honor. Carter Redbush. Very glad to meet you. Hello. Harry MacAfee. As a citizen, I'm proud to have you reign over me and the MacAfee Fertilizer Company.

Am I doing it? Am I doing it? Fuck's the matter with you guys? All right, let's try something else. Okay, this is a warm-up exercise called "One-Word Story." Now, I start a story with one word, and then you each continue with one word at a time. Okay, ready? Yeah, yeah. I'm into this now. Okay. The...

You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Peter, Muriel and I both feel that you need to follow your therapist's advice and start dating. Ah, Jeez, Mort! I--I don't know if I'm ready. Ah, Come on, stud. We've got it all set up for you to go out with our niece. Honey, come on out here and meet Peter Griffin.

Yeah, he's at the dentist. He's trying to get sick. Okay, go ahead and spit. It's okay, go ahead. All right, Chris, I figured out a great way to get sick. I'm gonna be a woman at work who cannot get sick right now.

Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote? Hey, honey, guess what? I got back the money for Meg's glasses. Really? Oh, honey. Ah, Hello. This is my special friend, Max Weinstein. He's Jewish.

You have to bring your friends out here with you to do your dirty work? What... (STAMMERING) What do you mean, Jeff? You're gonna kill me, is that it? JEFF: Uh-uh! Not unless you want your friend's brains all over the place! Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay?

(GUNS FIRING) Brian, you might want to look outside. Oh, my God! (CLEVELAND SCREAMING)

No. Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so. Well, whatever it is, I like it. Green light. (BLOWING) Is it hard being a paraplegic? Well, it's no picnic.

A pox on quahog!

I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want. (EXCLAIMS) Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle. You had your chance and you blew it. Well, now you're too late. I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm.

Look, I didn't know my room was gonna be scrutinized. If you don't like it, let's get out of here.

Trick or treat!

In the Pine-Sol scented air Somewhere that's green Between our frozen dinners And our bedtime, 9:15 We snuggle watching Lucy

Hey, Peter, are you seeing this rabbit? No. Well, I sure am. You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.

PETER: Stewie! Stewie, how's that oatmeal?

I still want to go home, Stewie. How do we get out of here? Well, if I overload the return pad's reactor, it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe, but it's too risky. But it could get us home. Well, maybe, but it'll break my thing.

Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

(GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow...

Thank you. That was beautiful. And now, Jillian, do you take Derek... Wait! Jillian, I'm in love with you. I want you... No, I need you with all my heart and soul. And my only regret is that I didn't realize it when we were together.

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused. I'm not confused. I've never been more certain about anything in my life. I need him. Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're... God, I wish I could make you understand. You don't know what you need. - I know what she needs. - You do?

No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!

I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go right, B, up, dodge, left, uppercut... (CHUCKLES) Listen to me telling you how to play the game. Hey, you want to see a sweet porn website? Follow me upstairs.

Look how tiny they are!

STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right, you can do this, Stewie. Here we go. Ahhh! (THUD)

I wish we'd never come here in the first place. Oh, choff! here, Go buy yourself some more money. Hey, old bean. Hey, What are you doing with my Star Wars glass? Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City,

How long was I in there? About five minutes.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Oh, My God!

I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks. (BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome our next guest, Mr. James Woods. Oh, James. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.

It had a stain on it, from when we had Hawaiian Punch night. Yeah, that's my couch. Rebel scum.

That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod. Whoa! Whoa!

and that's why I'm never invited to them.

Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time! I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Oh, my God. She's dead. Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief. Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you.

You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. oh, And, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. Mayor west, You've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use For my articlE. Can you just pleasE-- My God! Somebody's stealing my water!

Ugh, look at this. She's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover, as if she's some sort of hip hybrid of those two things. Ugh, yeah, like she could ever write Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Brian, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? was not written by Virginia Woolf. Yeah, obviously. But, you know, it's pretty much about her. It really isn't, Brian.

I'm sorry. Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking. He embraced... Oh, God, I'm gonna move over here. He embraced it on his own, Lois. Well, after Rush opened my eyes, I am seeing the world in a whole new way now. To quote a famous troublemaker, "I have a dream..."

There it is! Rock 'n' roll! Yeah, shaving time. All right, hand me the razor.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm.

Camera 2. Sorry, I overslept. Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? ahem. Well, I'm-- I'm su-- I'm sure you have something to say to that. Mmm?

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS) ...in spite of the fact that your people control a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth, and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do?

- Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman. This is where they edit the show together. Lauren, we got a rough cut of next week's episode. Can you cue that up, Terry? Sure. I need to be, like, fine to be alone.

Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse. How do you propose we settle this?

I found my baby book! Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. And, The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake. You see, Meg? I'm the favorite! Ah, Baby books. Nostalgic for the days of chafed nipples and episiotomies?

Yes, I think that would be fine. Get away from my wife, you rascal! Such language in the presence of a lady. If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff. Brian. Brian Steel. Oh! Good heavens! Man, your accent is sexy. This is all moving very quickly.

ooh! th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M...

The spirit of America is epitomized by his inspiring motto, "Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back." (ALL CHATTERING) I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce extreme budget cutbacks having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue.

(PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy. So, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon. So now what do we do?

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down. Merry Christmas, buddy. Ha! Wonder what this could be? Oh. This Christmas rocks!

I just got back from the doctor. I have herpes. I think you should get yourself checked out. Oh, my God. - Will you stay? - What? Will you stay with me even knowing that I have herpes? Yes, I will. - Joanie? - Yeah? I don't have herpes. I just needed to know that you'd stay.

Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh! - Hold it! - Freeze! Ahh! There he is. Hands up, Griffin. You're coming with us. H-h-hang on. I want to see what they do with this jackass. Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't!

(SIGHS) PETER: Lois, wait! I can't do it! I can't go through with it! You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage! - Screw our marriage! I love you! - Really? Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton. We'll get past it somehow.

Dear God, this is where we're sleeping?

Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road? Fine by me. Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway. They had one on last night where the girl had a butt-face, but her breasts was immaculate.

I can mash potato i can mash potato I can do the twist I can do the twist now tell me baby ooh. Tell me baby do you like it like this...

What the hell is Lois doing with another man? Is it possible she's a whore? Uh, you know, Just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? Uh, You know what? Let's just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.

Come on, let me make it up to you. Let me buy you a beer. No, that seat's taken. Move along, Peter.

No, she can't. Yeah, she can't. We were gonna use this time to figure out what to get you for your birthday. Ooh, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go. You... Ooh. Now I'm excited. Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That could be funny.

I lost the perp! oh!

Sure, Chris. I have a Young Republicans meeting after school. You wanna come? Oh, sure. W-What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting? We help those who already have the means to help themselves. Also, we perpetuate the ideal that Jesus chose America to destroy nonbelievers and brown people. I don't understand what you're saying, but somehow I feel safer.

Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite. One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do two can be As bad As one it's the loneliest number since the number one

JOE: What's happening? He's not gonna go through with it. It's a nice family, and the kid'll be better off here. JOE: Oh, that's sweet! What's the inside of the house look like? Colonial. Furniture's pretty good. Possibly imported area rug. JOE: Oh, that's nice! A bit pricey, but for the money you're spending, you know, it's not a bad way to go!

(STEWIE SNICKERING) Stewie, are you on the line? STEWIE: Yes. Jillian, I'll talk to you later. (CRYING) So, Meg...

And remember, you can use that word as much as you want. Even home, at the dinner table, in front of your parents. Because it's French, and French is classy. Okay, I'm off. Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck wherever you wind up.

Peter, what the... That's not Scotty! That's Ben! Oh. Well, you know, we ain't known this family that long. I'm still learning everybody's names.

Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property. And all of this while under the influence of alcohol.

If Meg doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future she'll have? You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat. Shut up! I found this meat!

Hey, sluts! OMG, stop staring at me, please. Okay, thanks.

Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

Where's your father? He's still down in the basement. Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits.

I, Stewie, take you, Olivia, to be my lawfully wedded wife. What's that, Rupert? Oh, kiss the bride. Yes. AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Yeah, it's gonna be sweet. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention. Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin.

And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff. Brian. Brian Steel. Oh! Good heavens!

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING)

But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this. Look! I'm making an angel!

I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead. Definitely dead.

I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

Now, did you get a look at the man who assaulted you? I did. Okay, can I get a description? Yeah, he was probably around 5'9", 5'10"? Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"? I'd say 5'10". Okay, we'll go 5'9" and a half. And now, how old was he? Late 30s, maybe 37. I don't know, anywhere between 35 and 40. Okay, well, let's say 37. How about ethnicity? Yeah, he was Asian-American.

Oh. Okay. Brian, if I ever take up roller derby, what do you think my name should be? Bruisin' B. Anthony, Alicia Sleaze or Quahag? How about Harlot O'Scara? Oh, you dick, that's genius. How'd your date go?

Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um,

I just thought I'd make sure you were okay. Oh, I'm managing. It's just so hard to believe you can work with someone for 15 years and yet have no idea who they really are or what they're capable of. Oh, I know. And I'm sorry. So, what happens now? Will you just anchor the news by yourself?

He's all I got because I'm a young street tough and my parents ain't so good to me. So, have you heard anything? Did anybody see anything or anybody? I can see Old Reggie now, sitting there with a smile on his face, listening to me talk about how daddy beats me something fierce. Okay, so sounds like no leads then?

All right. Stand by to jump to lightspeed. When we arrive at Endor, we will destroy the Death Star and then begin setting up the Ewok reassignment camps. I hate that stupid fish man. I say when we're done with this, we go over there and fry him up in a skillet.

No, no, kill him. He's a baby. He won't even remember he was alive. You son of a bitch. (GUN FIRING) Ahh! Stewie! Now, get us the money you borrowed. (SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no!

- Two. - Two. Five. Five. Oh, I see.

Oh, Peter. "I'm sorry I tried to sell our daughter." Yeah, you don't know how hard it was to find one of those in English.

Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone.

Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor. Hey, Dale, I noticed your lawn's getting a little high. Yeah. I used to have a guy for that. Dick. Okay, now, you have a good one. (MORNING PLAYING)

not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I. And me, I find that hilarious. Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines. Grape Soda Today, Orange Soda Quarterly, The Fruit Punch Reader. Hey, what you got there, Stewie? Ooh! Mustache Aficionado.

like the entrance to Hogwarts. But you got to believe that it's there. Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. QUAGMIRE: That's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee. I like having a family. I got all the crazy out of my system when I was 18.

Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. I wonder what came over uS? Maybe people are just naturally violent. I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch?

Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass.

Oh, thank God. It's negative. Ooh. Dodged a bullet there, right? Although, I got to tell you, I was kind of getting used to the idea of having a little brother or sister. Peter, we can't risk these things anymore. You're absolutely right. Lois, you're getting your tubes tied. Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy. First of all, I don't know what that is,

This can't be it. This doesn't look familiar. You're right, Brian. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has to take a poop right just now. (ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.

(QUAGMIRE GRUNTING SOFTLY)

(GROANS) Hello, Griffin. Mr. Pewterschmidt? Hey, how you been? Not good. I'm sorry to hear that. Wow! A limo, huh?

Oh, wait, I can hurdle my own leg like they used to do in the '90s. Okay, all right, this is gonna sound really weird.

That fat bastard thinks he can steal my bride and get away with it? I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping. No, I wouldn't. Not a corn farthing would I bet. No, sir. What's wrong with you? A little wrong in the head, I am, from eating some bad sausages. Yes, some bad sausages did I eat, indeed, sir. Yes, I did. Some bad sausages ate I.

Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great. You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours. Look, I realize Quahog isn't the small town it used to be, but it's still very special to me. It's my home. Yeah, come on, guys, she's got dyed roots in this community.

All right, then. $12.43. Jeez, that's more of a rip-off than that breakfast machine I bought.

Oh, my God! A piece of your brain came out! Ah! Well, that can't be good! Well, maybe it's not so bad. I can feed it to my pet zombie. Here you go. Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya? He was a rescue.

(ALL GRUMBLING) I hate doing that.

No! No, I won't! Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love? Mmm? Write this down, you toad-faced frump. I love pancakes!

Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For example, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around, watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check,

Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa! Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?

Hot dogs All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar.

Listen, Lois, I--I really appreciate you putting your discomfort aside, so we could have the wedding here. Oh, please, I'm over all that now. Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Well, it's tempting. Paris is such a perfect city. Ah, that is not entirely true. We have a lot of mime-on-mime violence.

Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!

Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century ecumenical body... "that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." I think that was the Council of Trent. You could not be more wrong. The answer is Phyllis Diller.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected.

(PHONE RINGING)

I had a gay experience at camp.

You can overcome shyness. Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's.

Now she knows how I felt when I was at her piano recital. No, you're doing fine, Meg.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it! Thank you, sweetie. Now, Peter, we've gotta find some food. Oh, my God! Look!

Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

Please don't spit in my eggs. Please don't spit in my eggs. Thank you for the eggs! God, I hope he didn't spit in my eggs! Hey, Doug. I just spit in that guy's eggs.

Good. Now, we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one. Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer. All clear? ALL: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's do this! Guys, we're stopping at the bathroom first.

An Audi! I'm getting a car!

And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family. Let's not muddy things up here.

Well, Brian, at least you're loyal enough to stay with me. Ah, I've stuck by you through worse. I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy.

Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

And that's how I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting. And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus. I just want to point that out to you. Chris, you're the man of the house now. Take the lessons I've taught you and be the best leader of this household you can. I will, Dad. (FARTS)

ah, It's so nice to be home. You have 113 new messages. Oh, my! Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... Mmm-hmm... Well, Where the newspaper boy was. Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple days, Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.

(SIGHS) We made it. Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey. Brian, there you are! Come quick. They're about to announce the unveiling of your statue on the news. Statue? For what? What do you think, Mr. National Hero? For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country.

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Hey, look! Somebody tried to break into the dirty-movie store. BOY: Quick! Grab as many as you can before someone sees us. Damn, I lost him. All right cats, back in the bag.

Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you!

I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues.

What are you talking about? This is my house. No, this house belongs to Peter Griffin. And that's me. Hmm. Driver's license, Social Security card, passport, title to the house. This puts me in a tough spot. Joe, you can't possibly believe this. You know who Peter is.

You kids are gonna love this. England has such a rich heritage of great theater. (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum? Treaches on the upper with the trang sang. Croppers to you, you crang sang Iubber.

was a Passover seder.

Boy, this takes me back. You know, I was kind of one of those theater kids in high school. Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour He purified me

This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that?

Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there? No. There must be something wrong with you. - Really? - Yeah. I've never had that problem and I don't know any woman who has. Hey, look at this.

Oh, Good to see your new fiscal responsibilities haven't interfered with your reading. Ah, Dostoyevsky, the Mad Russian. Good stuff. Good stuff.

You know, because of that, I had to use the little pig people's bathroom. All right, start the torture. (WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off! (HAN SCREAMING)

Okay, all right, this is gonna sound really weird. This is gonna sound really weird, but I really want you to do it, okay?

I don't care how many of you there are, you're not taking this purse! The hell we aren't. Let's get him, boys! Brian? Stay right there, Kate. I'll handle this. (GRUNTS) Yeah, you like that, huh? This guy is tough!

We're finally free. Ouch. Damn, that hurts. What happened? I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.

And there's only one guy to blame Mr. B-double-O-Z-E

Very good, Jonas.

What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech. But, Peter, what about your son?

What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist-- I'm a guy, you jackass!

Just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees. Fat man with his kids and dog drove in through the morning fog

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day.

Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie. Nothing? W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah."

Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck!

Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler, I wouldn't be afeared.

Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING)

Yeah, really is another world out here. And just so quiet. (HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE) I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying. All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people.

AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later. Damn rookies.

What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits? We sure do. oh! All right, class. That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oink has set the curve again. Oh, dang! That is some smart pig.

Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends! Well, I thought they could provide some insights that might improve your love life. Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy. Yet, somehow, things didn't work out. My objective is to figure out why.

Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. All right. Let's do it! PETER: It worked!

Do we have a picture? Do we... We... We don't? We don't have a picture? Okay, we don't have a picture. Okay. But she's... She's Puerto Rican. So look out for a Puerto Rican. MAN: We're clear. That was so much fun to watch. What a pro you are.

I'd be happy to tell you some. Oh, my God, I would love to. Look at me, huh? Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity. Well, I think you're exaggerating. No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy.

Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered!

Peter, if you'd just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this. Later, Brian. I gotta do something people will remember me for... which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine. You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere...

It's the PBS show Old Ships. God, I hate PBS. ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil,

It's not okay. You don't know what it's like. You're wrong. I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.

Get in. Come on, drive, drive, drive! Ooh. There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're cool." Joe, I think you're cool. Well, thank you, Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work. "No, just kidding, you suck."

Who does he or she think he or she is? Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe. There's only one thing to do. You're right. We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis. All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get ourselves kicked out.

Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

All right, what this is has no name, so you can't have it.

That's how you'll get to watch them pee In Canadian nudie bars Ah-ha-ha Ho-ho-ho Ha-ha-ha-ha Ohh A guy can get his hockey pucked In Canadian nudie bars Wow, that sounds amazing. It is.

(Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter. (Lois) Hang on. (PETER) Shazzam! (LOIS) Oh, Good for you.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure. Can I have it, even though it's dinnertime? Sure, Chris. "Drink Ensure as a meal, or in-between meals. "Or when you're on the go!" Is Mort still in the bathroom? I'll go see if he's all right. Mort? Hello? Mort? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

(SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? There's more soap inside the soap.

Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

You gave away all the presents?

My son here's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed. And all I gotta do is paint!

(STAMMERS) Until about 9:30, 'cause that's when the dance is over. (ALL CHEERING) Evil monkey holds the key Evil monkey's gonna get me I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth

HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen. Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie?

I'm sorry, guys, but it's my job. I got a family to support.

Not bad. Getting better.

What are we gonna do? We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house!

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh!

Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name?

I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Meg, I need you to baby-sit Stewie tomorrow afternoon. Mom, you know I go to the mall on Saturdays.

Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football! John, we're in commercial. Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on. Football!

DJ ON RADIO: Classic rock 103.7, WHGT. I hate this station. They always make promises they can't deliver. DJ ON RADIO: Playing the greatest rock-and-roll hits of all time! (WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING) See? Chris, turn that off. We have a lot of work to do before we go inside.

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank. Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. (INHALING) Hey! Well, as long as death is staring us in the face,

Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie.

Loretta? Hello, Cleveland. What are you doing here? Cleveland, I've been doing some thinking lately about how much I miss you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I want us to be together again as a family, and I promise I'll never betray you again. I love you, Cleveland. Uh...

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there. Not the best way to spend a Thursday night, huh? (SIGHS) You can say that again. I was hoping to be at this Democratic Party fundraiser. Oh, God, is that tonight? Ah... You know, I promised Barry I'd be there.

(COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

Aah! (GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like. And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man.

What the hell? What's going on with the news? This is terrible. Yeah, has he lost his mind? Well, I'll be damned. If I knew he was gonna do all that stuff I told him, I would've told him more stuff. What? Peter, you told him to do this crap? Yeah, he came to my house when he found out I was a Nielsen family. Asked what I wanted to see. Hey, hey, you know what would be cool? If he did the news with a family of prairie dogs,

Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables!

Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it! Oh, God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not coming out.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

and You'll agree No one really knows, my dear lady friend just quite how it all will end So, hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see

I'll print up for you what I have so far. Okay, I'm gonna go in there with her. You just sit out here and be quiet. Here, watch one of her movies or something. Ugh! Charlie St. Cloud? And why are there so many fingerprints on this? Who's handling their Charlie St. Cloud DVD all the time?

And with me. Wha-What could me and you do together? Lois! You've got a sick mind! Peter, I'm talking about making love. Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been... Well, Who we kidding? You haven't made any progress. Now the left T.V. is tuned to Frasier. The right T.V. has Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts. Got it.

Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? Oh, You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse. Meg, let me tell you about popularity. Mrs. Canner? Are you coming? Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me,

So hats off to both of us.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums. I'll start packing. I'll start packing. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir!

And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick. W-where--Where are the bags? What the deuce do you mean? They're right... Rupert! I told you to watch the bags! You were watching the boys again, weren't you? It's that steward, isn't it?

All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit.

What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called nunya business. Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids.

Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? I think They had a meeting about it last night. Why wasn't I told? Well, They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so y-you didn't, uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote? Hey, honey, guess what? I got back the money for Meg's glasses. Really? Oh, honey.

(GASPS) There he is. The reason my bedpost is so shiny. Oh, my God. Are you still obsessed with Kent? Just ask him out already. The worst that can happen is he says no. Are you kidding? Of course he'll say no. There's no way he'd ever go out with me.

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous.

Why do you close your eyes when we make love? I wonder how your father's first day at work went? Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy.

Me, too. I don't know if I can keep going. Peter, I still don't understand. How the hell can we already be out of food? Didn't I tell you to bring Trail Mix? Yeah, but by that I thought you meant a set list of totally awesome tunes, which I do have.

Peter, I need you to drop Stewie off at day care, and then shred this big stack of old bank statements. You got it, Lois. Is he always this quiet?

There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye.

First class and no class! Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique. We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're not gonna stop till we're there Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry That's right.

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No! - I get involved? - What? I get involved with lady? What do you think? Turn around. - I don't think so. - Okay. - You lend me money? - No. You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? No! No, I'm not doing that.

Gloria, please.

so I hired a math tutor and a driver's ed guy. Okay, so, do you use my car, or do you have, like, a special one you brought? Umm, I'm the math tutor. Really? No way! So that means you're the... Driver's ed instructor, yes. Well, I'll be a son of a gun! (CHUCKLES) All right, time to learn math from a black guy, I guess!

Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia

Look, James, your last movie was killer at the box office. Your q-rating is through the roof. It's time we ditched the W.B. and concentrate on features. sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice. Oh. Will you sign my ass? Do You have a pen?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,

Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.

You can't be me son, you and me are nothing alike. Just ask me sheep, O'Brian. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here? Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you. There's got to be some way I can make him see that I'm worthy of being his son.

Things an overcoat would say. I'm covered with water. Things an umbrella would say. You wear me. Things a festive bow tie would say. You wear me to keep you dry. Things Speed Stick would say. I keep your head dry. I said umbrella. It's not umbrella.

you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it! Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables! Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!"

(SPEAKING FRENCH) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Excellent. (SPEAKING FRENCH) Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there.

I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie.

Well, the theory states that there are an infinite number of universes coexisting with ours on parallel dimensional planes. Dimensional planes, right. Oh, don't do that. Don't repeat the last two words like you already kind of knew what I was talking about. You have no idea what I'm talking about. Now, in each of these alternate universes, the reality is different than our own.

James, what are you doing here? What's going on? Hello, Peter. Would you like some cold roast beef? What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea...

All right, Chris, I figured out a great way to get sick. I'm gonna be a woman at work who cannot get sick right now. (SNEEZES) Sweetie, maybe you need to go home. I'm not going home. I cannot get sick right now. I have way too much to do. It's okay, everyone will understand. No. I cannot get sick right now.

Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. What are you doing?

Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse. You make your doo-doos, Joe? Shut up. You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh.

So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand.

What, did you hit her over the head with it? That's a legitimate sports car. No. Next! Jenny, would you like to talk? My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic. Jeez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha! ALL: Hi, Jenny. Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night.

when you opened the door I would have said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia." You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00? (VOICE CRACKING) That sounds wonderful. She said yes.

Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire? Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up, just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we? Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you.

Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50!

I think she's got it! I think she's got it! The life of the wife is ended by the knife by George, she's got it! By George, she's got it! Now, what ends her wretched life? The knife! The knife!

Quick! Make something up! (PLAYING FAST-PACED TUNE) Peter, what are all these women doing in our living room? Lois, I took your advice and picked a new religion. - I'm gonna be a Mormon. - A Mormon? Are you sure?

Who are you? I am the dean. The dean of what? The Dean of the Secret Order of Dirty Joke Writers. Wow. So, these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes?

Why do we have to get me a suit here? Well, since you keep ruining them, I'm not going to buy you a brand-new one. Yes, I'll take this teddy bear, this ruler, this piece of string and this cardboard box. (GROANS) Oh, look. An "On The Raggedy Ann" doll.

Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along?

You know, kids, there's a lot of history here.

Oh! Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich?

Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Doggone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Peter, wait. I--I've been thinking.

Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger. My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving.

Well, I'm happy for Meg. Why, because she finally has somebody? No, because she finally has some lines. (BOTH LAUGHING) - You know you're my closest friend. Really? Yeah, we can't be more than six inches apart. (LAUGHING) The first one was enough.

'Cause your car broke down, and you need to wipe a cold soda on your neck to cool off. Well, maybe I don't need to cool off. Maybe you don't need to be employed.

Oh--Oh, no. Head... hunters. Ahh! Am I fired? Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night? Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top,

You must be Peter. Joe Swanson. Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, Phil. You got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too. So, don't think you always have to bug me. I'll keep that in mind. Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow? Man, you neighbors are like viruses. Starts with a screwdriver. Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman.

(GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know!

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough.

I got this Jewish waiter one time. It was awful. Didn't tip him. You ever do anything bad to a Jewish waiter? What's that, Peter? I'm sorry. I was focusing on my drive. You're doing great, Peter. Just don't let him intimidate you. Guys, guys. Someone's getting frogged in the clubhouse. Quagmire! She sounds fat. Hey, you know what I like to do sometimes, Juice?

Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno. Wait a minute. Chuck Connors? He was a basketball player and he was in Roots. Yeah, he wasn't in The Towering Inferno, you dumb beaver. What? I didn't say nothing. Dad, who is it? O.J. Simpson.

Boy, I hear you, too. It's a lot of work just to keep my single-guy fridge sufficiently depressing. Let's see. Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait. Root beer from two Julys ago. Here we go, expired milk. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Jenny, look how young you look.

Wow, imagine it. Peter Griffin, the guy who took down O.J. Marcia Clark sure couldn't do it. That dumb beaver. Hey, I wasn't even there. I was building a Canadian dam at the time. Did you know that beavers affect their ecosystem more than any other animal? Except man.

What a joke. So stupid. And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding. You couldn't pay me to go to that thing. Hey, you know what we should do? We should go just as a goof. That'd be hilarious. Yeah, just look at all the idiots. All the dumb ass Manilow fans. Yeah. I mean, he's got, like, one good song. Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible.

"Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

"Super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box "that will be delivered into the house." Hai!

If anyone asks, I shot him. Got that? You were crying in the corner.

Aw, That's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn. You taped over our wedding video? Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff. The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to each other.

So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois!

You'll never take me alive! - Aren't you gonna run? - I would, but I don't want my gym teacher to laugh at me. He's been following me around since junior high.

Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her?

Oh, God, a gutter? How cliche. I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've got to accept the fact that

I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore!

Are you saying there's more to being Mexican than working hard and lusting after big asses?

Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah. You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get them into my body somehow.

Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you. Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you.

You sure you got time to smoke?

Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this.

Smart move. Yes. Well, There are more important things in life than a piano competition. Oh, Yes. Especially for those who have no-- Ooh, That's cold! Chance. For your information, I have a student that could whip you. Well, I guess I'll see you there. Fred, this is not a date! All right, you're all done, Alexis.

Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.

I'll show you, Mr. Obi-Wan. R2, play him the message. General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. We need your help again. And, not to get too personal, but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad?

She's not that old. Old is Malcolm in the Middle in Season 15.

- Hello. - That's not funny!

Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story. Thanks, Duke. Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences.

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Yeah! And We can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out! And 2 Denny's, so we can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one." Oh, We can have quagland get Joe out of the driveway. And, And we can build a community, just like the one we had. No! We'll build a better one. I hereby proclaim this city New quahog!

Hey, Peter, your 25th high-school reunion is next Sunday. Throw that away. I don't want to go. Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night. Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Good evening, everyone. (GASPS) James Woods!

Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her. Oh, yeah? What do you know about women? You want to know how to get women? There's only one place in town you need to observe. Just watch. I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down.

I notice your kid is having some trouble. You're telling me. Oh, your kid just needs a little help. I got something that'll get him going. Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle.

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble.

What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah. You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works? I don't know. Yeah. You want to maybe just go? Quagmire, come on! I'm really trying hard here. Who asked you to try hard? Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me.

Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene. Isn't that beautiful?

I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are.

I had a really great time tonight, Brian. Well, is there any reason it has to end? STEWIE: Don't do it, Brian. What the hell? Excuse me for a second.

Our son is possessed!

but I don't like you in that way. I mean, there are some things that I would do with you, but my heart wouldn't be in it. What are you talking about? That you like me, and you want to be my boyfriend. (LAUGHING) You think I'm gay? Where did you get that? Uh, um... You tried to kiss me.

Come on. Let's get out of here. All right. The two of you stand over there and I'll send you back where you belong. Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe.

Let's not be so quick to demonize Loretta.

I feel so foolish.

PETER: (WHISPERING) I don't think she's getting it. CHRIS: (WHISPERING) I know she's not getting it, but... PETER: There's no but. She's not getting it. CHRIS: Well, what the hell do you want to do? PETER: She's poison. CHRIS: Absolutely. She's dead weight. PETER: She doesn't understand. CHRIS: But without her, the staff is too small. I mean, she's just not funny. PETER: She's completely ruining it. CHRIS: Yeah, but I think it's important to have a female perspective in the room. PETER: All right, then I think we're gonna have to expect nothing.

Here are the American spies we captured, Mr. Prime Minister. (GASPING)

All right, I mean, it's one thing to take money from a bunch of suckers, but this is serious. You're a fraud. I am not. I'll tell you who's a fraud. Mr. Spock. Mr. Sulu, set a course for... One moment, Captain. They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery. FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72.

Well, As a piano teacher, I know how difficult the education process can be. That's why, if I'm elected, I promise to fight for competent teachers, a better-funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead".

Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life.

(WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING) Hey, what the hell's goin' on? I told you to rough up that dog and baby.

between the Patriots and the London Silly Nannies. Well, Griffin, if you want to embarrass yourself, be my guest. Good. What do you say, England? Two weeks from now? See you there. (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hey, Brady! What kind of suit do you want to be buried in?

(FARTS) (ALL GASPING) Well, there goes my music career. I wonder if I can get my old job back painting kids' faces at birthday parties. There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat.

(ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look. Everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this.

We 'ff be landing in South America shortly. Please buckle your seat belts. ANNOUNCER: Hey, Brenda, what’Ve you got for me? Coffee?

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me.

Ugh! I hate wet-dog smell.

(GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)

Dear Rolfe, stop. Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here.

Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam. No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college. Damn it, this is too hard! Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher. You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.

Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up?

Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun!

Put it out! Put it out! Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

Whoa! What planet is this? It's not a... Peter, its Earth. It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr. Swanson?

(STAMMERING) Hey, there. I mean, it's nice to pleasure your acquaintance. I mean, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? I'd love to. God, he works fast. Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?

(SPOUTS GIBBERISH)

What? Get him! (ALL EXCLAIMING) (BRIAN CRYING)

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit.

I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this?

Money that I made off the terrible films that I put out into the American populace, because they just love to see me doing what it is that I do. Yes, but you're not hearing me. Dazed and Confused was the one thing that was passable. After that... Thanks, man. That actually launched my career. After that, everything else was awful. Contact, they didn't even need you in that movie. They could have done the whole movie without you.

Peter, are you ok? Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-- Ooh. We have a winner! Here, kitty, kitty, KItty, Kitty.

He's dead. I forgot my purse.

Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper. (FARTING) There's your smear campaign right there, Brian.

How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles? - He donated sperm. - Gross. Well, I don't mean to be a discourteous host, but this is my playground. I rule this territory. My, my! What an amusingly misguided view. Very well, then. You leave me no choice but to declare war! So be it. I'll do to you what B.C. does to comedy on a daily basis.

Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man.

This is turning out worse than Stewie's iPod commercial. Peter, you just need to show what a good father you are. Then you can get the kids back from Cleveland.

For the Last Time, I'm not Mr. T by Ving Rhames. Oh, Stewie, are you ok? Must we make small talk every time we pass? Ooh, You're burning up! Must be a reaction to the shots. I'll go get you some baby aspirin. What the devil are you talking about? You said The shots were supposed to make me healthy!

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God!

And you, Glenn. I was always waiting for you to grow up, but you're still that unicycle street performer with a dream in his eye and a parrot on his shoulder. That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things live forever. Maybe you boys will get it together someday,

and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.

Good. Dumb phoque. Good.

Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.

Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie. All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING)

Oh, this is dreadful. I thought Carter and I were going to be so happy here. I'll tell you what, Babs, let me have a talk with him. Hey there, buddy. Go away!

Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home. Meg, you made a friend. What a lovely house, Mrs. G. Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart. Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice. You know what's nice? Having a friend like Meg. And kittens.

Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities. Don't worry, Brian. I know how to handle this. sir, Are you aware you were going 50 in... I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir. Aw, Crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island. Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes!

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world

Don't crack wise. Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line, you got turned around. You're a man! And what do you think it means to be a man? Um, it means not getting pushed around? Exactly! It means drinking not because I want to, but because I need to. Right! It means standing up to fart, not hiding it in a pillow or holding it in till your stomach goes...

I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog? Well, a stray. Thank you. Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now. Well, hold... Hold on a sec. We could probably let them go for just a few more minutes. (ALL CRYING)

Junior, where you been?

Lucky there's a family guy

The boat rides we would take The moonlight on the lake The way we danced and hummed our favorite song

You did all this in a day? The matrix formed in a day. The life-forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate. Can I cook or can't I?

Welcome to the Historical Society Auction. Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. We'll start the bidding at $140,000. What a marvelous vessel. It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier".

Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry.

(SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this?

You better not. I am. I'm re-jiggering my position right now. Oh, no, you don't! (BOTH GRUNTING) What the hell is going on here? Oh. Hi, Angela, I'm Peter's friend, Glenn Quagmire. Thank you so much for having me in your home. And I would have had sex with you,

Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie.

I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

- Those men are tremendous in stature. - And they're coming straight at us! Oh! (YELLING) We'll take my carriage. Oh, crap!

And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.

Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!

You can't have their baby! Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant. Mom, I can't find my jacket. (LAUGHING) (CRYING)

Gladiator mice. (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing! (SIGHS) What a horrible morning. You know, all I wanted was for us to share a simple Sunday church service as a family. But I guess that's too much to ask.

You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick. Eight! Nine! Ten! We have a winner! (LOUD CHEERING) Well, what do you think of that, Lois? You still mad at me now? Peter! I feel great! I've never felt so in control. I know the feeling.

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!

In fact, I think she'll be coming through that door. (IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late. Your dad told me all about you. You sound like a swell fella.

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff.

- (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Commercial! hey, Mom, I got something to add to my Christmas list. A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes. Not costume, real. Maybe you should write that down? Honey, Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy.

Well. not now. But soon!

Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there!

Okay, tonight's my OCparty. I got a case of wine coolers, so we can drink every time Ryan seethes. - Cool, I'd love to come. - Me too. How'd you get the wine coolers? Oh, it's.... I just did some stuff for a guy in the parking lot. Does anyone have any Scope?

What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING)

Oh, at some point, you have to let me braid it! Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing. All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

one more time, I'm gonna pop you. What you building there, neighbor? Well, We were keeping it a secret, but you guys are my best friends, so I'll tell you. Lois and I are having another baby! We are so throwing you a shower!

about four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found themselves and also a dead body. PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12.

You can't tell me what to do. Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can. Supervisor? Yeah, I promoted him this morning. - Promoted me this morning. - What? Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread? No. Well, go see that movie and absorb its message,

beautiful stranger. What's your sign? Ugh! Gross. I still think you're neat though. You should try a video dating service, Peter. That's how Muriel and I met. Let me show you Mort's tape. He was so charming. Ah! Oh, my eyes!

bet you wish that you were dead. Listen, I don't know who this is, but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know! What, are you gonna report me on your can't-walkie-talkie? I'm gonna hang up now. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! I got three more of these I wrote on a napkin. All right, three more.

You can't dance You can't sing No, you pretty much can't do a thing Never fear, Daddy's here Honey, you're gonna make our name famous

Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie! And This is the back yard. Feel that? That's premium blue-tip Bermuda. Real hardy, but soft.

(GRUNTS) Damn it! You bastards!

You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me. What? You cheated on me. That's what happened today. You can rationalize it any way you want, but to me, all that shows is that you're an immature guy who doesn't realize what a catch I am. I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go.

That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace.

Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho! Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin. I'm cold. Hey, Peter!

All right, who's up there? Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois. Glenn, what are you doing up there? Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay. No airline will hire me after the accident. I'm broke and jobless.

As she retarded? Can you please leave now? Oh, now I get it, she's a moron. But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts. Shut up. that's not it at all. Say, Jillian, I love what you have done with the place. What is it? One bedroom, one bath? No, it's a whole apartment.

No, no, no. This won't do, Paul. You can't just have Snuggly Jeff magically brought back to life by a child's wish. It's insulting to the reader. What do you mean? Well, it's just bad storytelling. Let's see. How can I explain this to you? Did you ever see the movie Contact? Yeah. So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile-high space machine,

Man, it's cold in here. Beep-boop-beep. I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right?

So, you're just a big fucking liar?

yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

It's good to have you back. Hey, honey.

We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News.

Yeah, listen, don't help or anything. I'm totally fine. Damn IrisH. Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health.

I wasn't working out, so I must not have been nervous. I was very pleased and surprised. I really was not expecting an open bar. Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no!

You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!

(LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy.

(LAUGHING) Damn it! (QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING) Stop it, you guys! You're ruining all my clothes! (POLICE SIREN WAILS) Can I see your driver's license and registration, please? Is there a problem, Officer?

You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby. That might occupy him and get his mind on other things. Hey, man, lay off the kid. I say, if it feels good, do it. Stewie, you don't do that yet. Hey, you don't know what I do.

All right. Keep it in your mouth, rock star. - Great job getting hot, Meg. - Gee, thanks. - Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it.

Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom. Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Kate. You don't get it. We are the island. Hand me that paper bag.

but it turned out it was just as hard. I guess what we all learned is that no matter who you are, or where you come from, life is a terrible thing. Yeah, but if you got your family to help you get through it, it's not quite as bad. And, hey, at least I get my old job back. You know, from now on, let's not complain so much.

How'd it go? Looks like I totally screwed that up. No, you didn't. You made a vow that you were going to ask Ellen out, and you did. That took courage, my friend. Especially for a poor, timid sap like you. I'm proud of you. Thanks, Stewie.

It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow! - Whoa, what was that? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was my father talking. You, uh, gotta work on that, man. Bad dog.

Yeah. This is your life from now on. Enjoy it, lucky wife. I tell you, boys, this is a victory not just for my anus, but for anuses... Oh, hang on, I got to go pee. That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a... Oh, I got to take a leak. There we go. Oh, pee time.

- That's what I want to find out. - What? - The name of the guy. - Melvin Hu. - Are you a cop? You handling this case? - Yeah. Yeah. - Then what's the name of the guy? - Hu. The guy we're looking for. Hu. - The guy who's buried. - Hu. The guy with the bomb. Hu. - What street's he live on? - First. (BOMB EXPLODING) Yeah, I'm not psychic.

Well Then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body. Don't censor me!

I understand. Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see. Let me ask you a question. You ever sit on your arm till it falls asleep and then play with yourself and pretend like somebody else is doing it? Honestly, yes. Not anymore you don't, 'cause you're going out with my daughter.

(GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING)

You... You trust me? Uh-oh. Is something wrong? I don't know. I'll be right back. (PUMPING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it! Lois! Peter? What are you doing here?

Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in? Wow, it looks like the whole town got invited.

I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) It's him!

And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants. Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh? Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold. There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert. Meg, get in the car, we're going home.

I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.

(COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES)

I don't have all day. You're going to have to take that somewhere else. It shouldn't be this hard! You know what? I'm on break.

or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe. Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. What the deucE?

Ok, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.

Here you go, Meg. I don't want them. Take them. Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those? - No. - Oh, God. (RETCHING) (GROANING)

Billiam, are you there? Stewie! Wh--wh--What the devil are you doing here? Billiam sent me.

Where do you think she is? Well, thank God years ago I planted a homing device in your mother's skull for just such an occasion. I forgot. I also put 'em in a bunch of squirrels. This isn't gonna do us any good. May as well see if she's at the pageant.

Great practice, Lois. We are totally ready for that talent show. Oh, my God, Peter, I am so wasted.

Oh, it's one of them new niche airlines. (TIRES SCREECHING) Hey, Cousin! (CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper! Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor. How was your flight? Oh, torture! Five hours on my moneymaker,

And no pickles!

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

How do you do? Pleased to meet you.

I could have been dead by now! what, you mean--You mean, you're not really-- I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents! Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup! That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead?

So, let's pretty much just attack like we did last time. Sound good? No need to fix what ain't broke, right? Yeah, we did this already. That's what's so fucked up. General Solo will take a stolen Imperial shuttle and knock out the shield generator on the fourth moon of Endor, while General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the squadron to destroy the Death Star. I didn't actually volunteer.

Here's to fish. Uh, Hey, could I have one of those? Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that. And their vessel was swept to the bottom of the briny deep.

Hey, we should go to the circus. in local news, a new drug craze may have quahog students licked. It's called "Toad." The Colombian Spotted Toad, to be precise, Diane. When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria that's--that's just great! This is awful. Now the drugs are in the schools?

Really? They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players! All right, Mom! Are you gonna do it? I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I--I need a moment to think. Ok, I'll do it.

it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived.

Slothful sinners! You're here to work, not sit around with your... Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father. I am not worthy. Rise, my son. You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation of God's great love within us all.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game?

- Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai.

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) (TRUCK HONKING) Almost there. Eat my dust, Lois. (BRAKES SCREECHING) (PETER EXCLAIMING)

Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie. Honey, if you wanna lose weight, I'll put you on a diet, and your father can help you exercise. Really? Why don't you do what the supermodels do? Stick your finger down your throat, and throw up till you're skinny. Chris, Don't listen to your sister.

So what happened with that kid you were telling me about? He admitted defeat and ran off. What a mook!

I knew it! MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off! Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally.

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia.

Look, I'm gonna call Mahmoud right now on this cell phone he gave me. He'll tell you. (BEEPING) (DISTANT EXPLOSION) Damn phone's busted. Maybe I dialed wrong. (BEEPING) (EXPLOSION) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Peter, please stop trying to call Mahmoud. This is very serious. Your friends are terrorists. Think about it.

Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it!

It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true. All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch. And as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. (MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation. Ellen, there 's moisture on the outside of m y glass. 4t's condensation, Johnny. But what about the fog on the windows? It's not fog, Johnny. ft, too, is called condensation.

Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great. I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that.

Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut!

And have you ever struck your wife? Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.

Hey, look at me! I'm Pele! I'm Pele! Goal! Where the hell is he going? He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

Take a drink and you'll sink to a state of pure inebriation You'll be tanked like the whole Irish nation

Here's your new digs. Now, get to work, sport. We're counting on you. Wow. My own office. Well, I guess I better get busy.

Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too.

They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left! Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers. All right, strap yourselves in, I'm about to make the jump to light speed. Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"? Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky.

ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.

Aren't you gonna do it? It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night. All? Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family. No. The rest were "from" the family. W-Weren't they? Oh, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

And the rivers are the forests are the mountains are the sea And I am you But you are not me And the visions of our minds are in the valleys which are valleys And the oceans and a camel and my new socks and a book

We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it. I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. (SIGHS) STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it.

Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here! Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs. I wanna show you a freckle on my sack that I'm concerned about. It has irregular edges.

All right. We good to go?

Don't let him get away!

Because you can't just sit home every night since Loretta left. You got to get out and meet some women. Well, I suppose I could give it a try. Hey, baby. How'd you like to go black and then have to make... a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back? Sorry, I went burnt sienna and I never went back.

Come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen. I'll change in the car. If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little-- Let's go, Meg.

Well, I guess I'll give it a little more time. It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey." That's the spirit! All right, here I go. Stewie.

- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it.

Come on, Lois. Those-- Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I--I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh! You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber! And you!

All right, who's next for a flu shot? Oh, that's me. I'm Peter Griffin. Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply. We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here. Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there,

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

'cause she might be here right now. Wait a minute. You can't--You can't just push me aside. I made you! And I can destroy you! Goddamn. They must've put it in the wrong baby. Oh, Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you.

Oh, Yeah? I'll show you who's the life of the party. Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin. Huh? Guys? Huh? Guys? That's my idea. Peter, come here. Finally. A little recognition.

To the Hinden-Peter!

I thought your pseudonym was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower. That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car. New York Theater League? Why? Because they're throwing a welcome dinner in my honor. Really? Well, I guess I could clear my schedule. Oh, you won't regret it, Brian. All the most important Broadway people will be there.

You know, Lois has gotten kind of fat since you guys stopped having sex.

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.

"Insecurity? Gender confusion?" Oh, I'll give you something to write about! Look at me! I'm insane!

Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God! Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me.

Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee."

Sweetie, what's wrong?

Now, look, don't get upset, but I've been so worried about you that I asked someone for help. Who? Hello, fat ass. Lois, immigrants don't take handouts. They just take one DVD a month from the house they're cleaning until they have a respectable collection. It's not a handout, it's a job. Daddy employs lots of immigrants, and he said you could work at the mansion.

(LOIS READING) STEWIE: Who is this book for?

It's hard enough having Stewie all the way in Palm Springs visiting Grammy and Grandpa. Give Nanna a big hug, sweethearT. WEll, That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment.

You just fit it in when you have free time wherever you are, wherever you can. There's semen on this floor. Stewie, look! We gotta get in there! Hey, got one more here! (IN GIRL'S VOICE) Oh! Where are we? I'm from Atlanta. I don't know where we are!

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

Hold on, I'll get it.

Thanks, Dad, I feel better. (LAUGHING) (HUMMING) Off I go on my merry way Life is great and I'm happy with my dad

I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

Gentlemen, it's time for the first rose ceremony. Who gets to stay, and who takes the bus ride home... it's up to Brooke. Trevor. That's what Trevor's talking about.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch?

Hey, buddy, you can't go in there. (PANTING) Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten thousand signatures. I've been up for 24 hours, I paid off a few people and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of.

No. He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man. That's what this march is all about. Respect for your fellow man. I can't respect men. Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violencE. My Brothers, we need to stand togethER--

(BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore. Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy. I want you to get rid of all this right now, because I am never fighting again. Ever! Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan "B."

You know, I have to admit, before this Muriel thing I actually thought you might be the murderer. Oh, my God, so insulted. Trust me, if this were my work, it'd be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods? How? I would've electrocuted him, causing a temporary paralysis. And while he was still conscious, but unable to move,

ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Meatloaf for us, and a very special, very delicious, steamed vegetable dish for Chris. Oh, I hate vegetables. Honey, they're good for you. Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime.

You know I do. I want to hear it! Is that what this is all about? Run for your lives! Holy crap! Hot! aah! There's no way out! At last! My time device is complete!

(IMITATING ASIAN FILM MUSIC) Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!"

No, it's not. Those films my cousin Rufus used to do were pure exploitatioN.

Stewie, I know it was you. Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois.

(GROANING) I can't do it. I can't do it. Get the lotion. Put the lotion on me. Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like. Never mind. I'll come back later.

they come from faraway places, but it's okay because they didn't get arrested and they're still kind of drunk so they think it's okay. You should know that Mom has emotionally let you go. It won't be long before she takes a lover. Oh, my head! She already has two cell phones.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

"I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes. "A man cannot steal, but it accuseth him "A man cannot swear, but it checks him "A man cannot lie with his neighbor's..." Hey, Peter, what you got there? Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do something fancy with my falcon.

- Here, have some food. - I'm not hungry. Here comes the gravy. (COUGHING) You messy beast.

You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do?

I want him found now. Not after breakfast, not after CSI, now. God, I'm so angry I could just throw a rock at that poster of David Cassidy. (METALLIC CLATTERING)

It was great having you in class, Meg. Thanks. I'm really gonna miss everybody. We didn't have no money for a present. So, we all just spit in a jar. I can't believe you're leaving. Me, either. I'll be sure to write. And I'll be sure to learn to read. And the next time I see a dead guy,

Missed, you ass.

Good morning. Peter, what on earth are you wearing?

Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all.

And we come to the center of the shrubbery maze. That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I'm not grown up enough for you. Well, you are a baby, aren't you? (ALARMED) Stay out of it. Stay out of it. Well, if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby.

Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996?

have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? undefinedThey're the same person. " know, right? You're brilliant. Hey, Oogy! So tell us, Oogy, where did you find this one, huh? You two meet at a Mensa meeting?

I mean, part of that is you sort of have to know my...

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words.

(SIGHS) Tea Party. Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen. This town is going to go to hell. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. I'm glad we waited.

Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out!

What's that? Something out at sea? Clam-ho! They're giving your cue, Peter.

For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo! There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman,

(GASPS) What is it? A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move. Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.

(YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

(GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there. Yes, that's right, cry. Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens. Nobody move! Nobody move!

Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. I wonder what came over uS? Maybe people are just naturally violent. I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous.

Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato. Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it.

Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school...

Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight? Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice. (EXCLAIMS) I want to go. Well, Peter, if you want, you can have my ticket. What? But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go. Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. (EXCLAIMS) It's not really my cup of tea.

Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face,

Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter. (SIGHS) Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot. Now, if you'll just sign here. - Well, this is odd. - What? Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam. No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off. Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess. Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.

Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno. Oh, oh, you know, It is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material, and he's charming.

How does that even kill a kid? What, did you hit her over the head with it? That's a legitimate sports car. No. Next! Jenny, would you like to talk? My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic. Jeez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha! ALL: Hi, Jenny. Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night.

So I'll wish upon a star Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew

What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility,

I mean, you have a gun right now. But tomorrow I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you. Oh. Yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town. And I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.

Ok, I'll give you a shot. I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor of quahog. You get it and I'll make you a reporter. You got it. Run, little rabbit, run. But someday our 2 worlds will be one.

Yes. Now, I believe there is just one last piece of unfinished business to take care of here.

No! KEVIN: Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. But I can't say the same for my bunkmates. There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. So that was my chance to disappear. So I left.

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING)

What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING) (SOBBING)

and, Brian, stay out of the cat box. Stay out of the cat box.

Clam-ho! They're giving your cue, Peter. Who the hell's idea was it to make this suit out of foam rubber? It's such an honor to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, Kids? Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.

Well, it's probably for the best. There are way too many elderly comedians out here in the snow.

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (SLAP) She screamed, so I had to slap her. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude.

(GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night? Good morning. Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad! Yeah.

I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM)

You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard!

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball! (Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

It just seemed the quickest way, I guess. I suppose. But I don't quite understand why you're so unhappy. Yesterday when you said I don't live with purpose, you were right. I don't. What purpose does my life have?

Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say?

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing!

No problem. We got money to get that fixed, with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the KennedyS. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money! Boy, she's pretty pissed.

You could contribute to the Policeman's Ball. What? What does that have to do with a sick child? Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino... Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family.

Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase. Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here, maybe Cleveland could join us. Yeah, it'd be just like old times. What do you say, Cleveland?

(CAR APPROACHING) Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do?

Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see? He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie. What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer.

Rickety staircases, faulty wiring, gay poltergeists. "Boo!" to that outfit! Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break-dancers to do their routine on your stomach.

Yeah, me, too. I bet I was a doctor who had to deal with a lot of serious stuff, but always found a way to keep things light. Oh, my God, she's beautiful. Yeah, she is. It's not yours. Yours died. Yeah, and I bet I answered the customer complaint line at a Danish cookie company.

I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING) (AIR WHOOSHING) STEWIE: Well, well, look who has surfaced. You're getting colder.

and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out.

Nothing you'll ever see. You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air.

No. Is okay. I take home. What the hell is happening right now? Hey, Brian. You want to see what I drew in arts and crafts at daycare? This is called Happy Son. This one is called Silly Spaceman. See? 'Cause he's in the forest.

You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. It's about pissing off Daddy. That's right. She's got a lot of problems. - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter. - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question. Well, I should probably get out of these robes.

Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

Well, that doesn't totally surprise me. A friend of mine staying in my house got, um, injured, and my homeowner's insurance wouldn't pay her doctor bills. Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod."

"I'm sorry, Byron, missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Go ahead, Professor Watkins, fail me if you want. Give me an "F" on the exam. I don't care because I got an "A" today, as a dad. Maybe this is news to you, but love isn't some element on your periodic table. So, you know what? Keep your chromium and magnesium,

So, that's what that was. I mean, he was very nice about it. He said, "Send me the bill." I mean, that's not how he said it, but... You know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this.

I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi? Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16.

But listen, could you also say goodbye to Carol for me? Goodbye? Where are you going? As of today, I'm stepping down as mayor and leaving Quahog forever. Because of Carol? That's right. I've decided to move to Alaska and become an Eskimo. Alaska? But that's so far away!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life.

oh, Hi, Meg. Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair of us to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy? Oh, Completely. We totally reamed her. D-Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.

One of these planes must be going to London. Queue up, children. Spit-spot. Here are the tickets, miss. These are all ours. Thank you. Spit-spot, Albert Hall, meat and 2 veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark 5, Spam and eggs, a baby's arm holding an apple. Pip pip, cheerio!

There's a penny underneath that couch. Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway.

Hey, Lois, honey?

Loretta? Hello, Cleveland.

Touch down! Good grief.

Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, but for the next ten minutes, I'll be very vulnerable to predators.

ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose! Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is. But first, get ready, Quahog,

And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair. Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us. Yeah. All right, that makes sense.

Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Gotta give up the toad now ooo, ooo, ooo I'm no fool Lando's cool

I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal? Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water.

If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

You know, whether it's just that she's not listening or whether it's that she's making a conscious decision to defy your wishes, who can say, you know? And I would say, in some respects, having a strong-willed kid is a good thing, but it can get frustrating as hell on the other side. So, you know, believe me, I hear loud and clear where you're... Wait a second!

You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you. You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you?

Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it. Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from.

Thanks, but no thanks, Coach. I've lived my dream. And besides, my life is here with my family. But, mom, what's Dad gonna do for a job? Oh, It'll be ok, Chris. Remember that episode of The Honeymooners When Ralph lost his job but at the end of the show he didn't get it back? Oh, yeah. What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of Me.

Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can just up and run away, you crazy. I like to eat people from other planets. Especially y'all. I likes to eat you with my little mouth, too. Now, y'all get back up inside me, little mouth. I wants to play, too.

All right, Brian, you can do this. You can dump her. Because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence? Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh, damn it. Now I'm doing it, too.

Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up.

Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished!

Cars go fast. Oh, God, yeah, I'll tell you, ifl had a nickel for every time that happened.

Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here!

(CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

I read the play Stewie wrote. She writes plays now? Yes, and it was brilliant. Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life.

We snuggle watching Lucy On a big, enormous 12-inch screen And I'm his December bride

In your face! In your face! in your face!

And in here, we're test-marketing a new mascot, Meaty, the Quick to Anger Clown. Hey, kids! Who likes McBurgertown burgers? I do! There was more to my question! (CRYING) We're still ironing that one out. Hey, what's in there? Oh, I'm sorry. That's off-limits. Now, if you'll excuse me for a second,

Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality. You guys want to hear something really funny?

Excuse me, that's my seat. We'll talk about this at home.

Uh, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me.

Hello, and welcome to the quahog Special People's Games. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. It's a great day to be alive, Tom, able-bodied or not. It sure is, diane. Today we'll see some of quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, cry, maybe even get a cheap laugh or two. I know I will, Tom.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm... God! Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS) Meg, you got a minute? What the hell? I made that for you, Brian. Meg!

That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards. We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois. Uh, I can't. I have cramps.

Oh, boy. My dogs are mooing today. No, no, no, no, no, no. What's the matter? Did I say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"? Did you hear me say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"?

I--I'll kill you. I swear to God. Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother! How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle.

And remember, wish it, want it, buy it. All right. Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing. You want to get a book published, don't you? Well, yes. Well, if you want to be in black and white, black and white's got to be in you.

Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this!

I'm totally dreaming right now. Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants. Well, Naomi, whatever it is, I'm sure we'd be happy to help. Oh, my God. I don't believe it! I'm gonna have a three-way! This even tops sex with a mermaid. Where is it? Keep looking!

Hey, what do you say we get some drinks? Hey, boy. Boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda, and three Myrna Loys for the women. - (WOMEN GASP) - Excuse me? What the hell is your problem, you jerk? What? Does he belong to somebody else? Come on, girls, let's ditch this racist dick. What happened? Did we get laid?

Get 'em! I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not. That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you. Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh! What are you doing?

Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off!

I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

You know, I have to admit, I've always been a little worried about Chris, but I guess I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back.

Oh, that's cool. It's real cool. Now, get up, come over here and give me a shoulder massage. Okay. Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix. Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah!

Wow. You know, I have to admit, before this Muriel thing I actually thought you might be the murderer. Oh, my God, so insulted. Trust me, if this were my work, it'd be much more artful.

We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Okay, okay! All right! God!

You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you just bitched yourself out of a bite. All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right. - Can you give me a caramel one? - No. You can have... Um... Um... You can have...

(CLANKING) This is it, Brian. What's that? It's how I got the pig. You ever heard of the Multiverse Theory, Brian? Of course I have, but I'm wondering if you have. Oh, my God! So transparent.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about this. Sorry. There we are.

you'll be completely unharmed? Why don't you, uh, give it a shot? Ok, here goes. Oh, my god! Aah! What have I done? Oh, You're awful. Fascinating story, Tom.

(SHOUTING) What?

Honk, honk. "Stay out the way, you old bat!" Asian. Not all Asians are bad drivers. No, no, not all terrorists are Arab. But, you know, they are, so...

(ALL PANTING) I'd like to get... We're start... You know what? Maybe... Maybe everyone should sit down. (ALL WHEEZING)

With the posh panache of Jefferson at Monticello Busting out a mile with style I know you just can't wait to stare at all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra-boomin', all-consumin'

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

He's sleeping. Mom, I found Dad's first clue. I can't believe your father organized this. Usually he can't even handle simple tasks.

Me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome. And James Caan. I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass. I'll never join the dark side. Never! (GRUNTING) (GROANING)

(GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak? Yeah, sure. (LAUGHING) Gotcha! That's more salt than you wanted.

Quick! We gotta get out of here!

(Brian) What do you think?

I'm on to you. Oh, yes. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But will you be prancing when... when... there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then? Oh, You just want to eat him up.

Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test. (GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin,

Boy, this, uh, this doesn't leave much to the imagination, does it? Death, there is no way Peter can do your job. He could never kill anyone.

Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub.

Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes? Oh, you mean foot prisons? Yes, I would. Glenn Quagmire? Why does that name sound familiar?

All right, you're all done. Go. Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.

All right, all We've got to do is find the American Embassy and They'll help us get home. Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog. Oh, You're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm. You really think that, don't you? I know it.

Mr. Burke was right. I'm not ready to be a parent. Wait a minute. I'm not in high school anymore. Maybe this is all a dream. Aah! It was a dream! I need a glass of water. Wait a minute. I moved out of the desert years ago.

- Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! Of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

He's a kind of guy you hate till he's inside you. There it is. 56 Meadow Lane. "Brookfield Insane Asylum"? (GASPING) Oh, my God! Mom's brother's crazy. Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup. Oh, wait a minute. It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Stewie, your head is so smooth. How is that even.... How you doing that? How you doing that? Oh! Everything here is fantastic. Oh, these clothes.

Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me. Now, Put me back in my freakin' body, all righT? I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life. To hell with this. I'm going homE. What are you doing? You can't get in that way.

Not again. Well, Mr. Griffin, your arguments for the school's name change...

There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC

Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted.

Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon.

Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles.

Peter, what did you mean by what you said?

Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams, and he'll think we've already changed. Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy! One good one for every 10. Ho-ho! Damn these hands.

Did you know where the Ukraine was because of my globe? No, I saw it in a book. You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick. Eight! Nine! Ten!

Dead brill, eh?

Attention, everyone, this is a twist tie. It comes with every loaf of bread. When we are done selecting our piece of bread, we use the tie to preserve...

Excuse me? I said, "May I have a blanket?" Oh, yes. Of course. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes, so now it is official. Let me touch your face!

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed There's the guy who sits beside you

Oh, my God. Lois, you're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again. Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

Oh, Don't make me beg, now.

Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going? All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way. - Darn it. - Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ?

Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye. Are you gonna take that? Lois!

hair a mess, and in mid-coitus. I must look a sight. Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris? God, it is peaceful. No question, Dad. Just be careful, 'cause they got a lot of big old wilderness bugs out here. Oh, hey, y'all best be careful or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger.

You obviously have no respect for either of us.

But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller, when I need you more than ever? I've taught you everything you need to know, Peter. Now, it's time for me to go help another child. I guess I just fooled myself into thinking you'd always be with me. I will, Peter. I will always be with you.

I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television. I'm telling you, it's great, Bill. The only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here. My God! It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring! Let's take off our shoes and run home barefoot! Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say?

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me.

My God. Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.

You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Listen, I don't want to point fingers, but I'm missing about $1,000 in play money. I take. What? You took it? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back! Come get, bitch.

Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

That's it, Fishman. Shirts off. I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Pass the salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost-empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. It's all out. There's dressing on that salad. Give me that salad.

(ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man.

I'd fuck me so hard

I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that?

Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor.

Then this is the camp I choose. Yay! I get to go to Space Camp! Thanks, Mom and Dad. You guys are the best parents ever! Would you excuse me a moment? These are mine now. Hey! Oh, honey, when we accepted those mugs, we knew this could happen.

No. Well, I sure am. You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here. (SCREAMING) Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation.

Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father. We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do. There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.

He was... Oh, no, no, no. Actually, no. You know what would be better? Hey, wait, wait. Just walk out like this. I just... Look... I just come out like this, but just, like, all serious. Like this totally, like, completely serious. - Like... Like I don't even know I'm wearing them. - MAN: Oh, man! Death. Death to America. What? What? What are you looking at? Do I have-- Do I have something on my face?

Hey Peter, Your dad stinks. I'm working triple shifts and I'm still not Employee of the Week. How am I supposed to compete with that?

Somebody help him! Oh, Gay! You were right, Peter. It was Natalie Wood.

Yes, from what he's told us that's right on the money. Challenge him, you must. And I'm Hayden Christensen.

Quick, Brian, into the time machine! Stewie, what the hell was that?

I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

(LOUD EXPLOSION) Uh-oh.

Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING) Oh, like a relationship. Exactly. That'll send them running, huh? I like her. Here you go. Maybe this'll help.

(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Sorry, y'all. That's the first time I ever throwed anything.

How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful!

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

Wakey, wakey. KIDS: Good morning, Mother Maggie. Huh, who's this? I like this lady.

According to our customs, you're now married to my daughter. I couldn't be happier. Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all.... What?

Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us! Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here! No one's out there, Brian. They would have come in. Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What?

(BOTH LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) What neat humor. What neat humor. So what do say, Peter? Can you help us out? Of course I can, you dope. We're pals, right? There you go. Hey, Horace, give us three shots of your best bourbon. And have that Russian waiter I like bring it over.

Oh, my God, this is awful. There's got to be 200 people here.

Don't worry, Lois, we'll catch him. Hobey, radio for backup. Uh... Hello? DISPATCHER: This is dispatch, go ahead. Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find...

(CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING)

(DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you! (EXCLAIMS) We got to get you to the hospital! You're hideous! Who did this to you? Where are my keys? Where's my keys? Where are my keys? Peter, what about Babs? Forget about yourself for a second, Carter.

...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made. Peter, do we have to watch this? This is what rednecks watch, Brian. Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.

Yeah, then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there yourselves. Maybe we will. Yeah! Jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside? This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter. Huh?

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great.

Well, the odds were always against us. Most black men don't possess the skills to survive out here in the wilderness. My husband isn't black. Oh, boy. Well, then, we need to regroup, because... We haven't been looking. Wait! We may have a possible lead on Peter Griffin! What? Oh, my God, where is he?

The bees making honey

Stewie, you want a Mommy rocket ride? What? What do you mean? Here we go! Get ready for blastoff! (CRUNCHING SOUND) Ow! Son of a bitch! (GRUNTS IN PAIN) Oh, my God, Stewie, are you all right? Nice throw, Casey Anthony.

You're gonna have to stop with the kicking. Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum. In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time, I've got this bowl of cornflakes, and I gotta be at work at 9:00.

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it,

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

(ALL CHEERING) Wow! What a hero. Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?

Ask a Hennessy, Tennessy, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Riordan and Rooney They'll tell you the same McNulty, Mulroney and Cotter and Clooney All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flannigan Look to the ground when their dad passes by Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty Fight for his honor and then start to cry

(GUN CLICKS) Okay, now me. That's a stop sign! Anthony, you want to come with me? Sure. Don't be ridiculous. I'll keep him company till you get back. Goodbye, Meg. Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it?

It doesn't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy, grab a girl Everywhere around the world

And I'll never be happy unless I can do it again. Then that's the only answer. Somehow we've gotta get Quagmire his job back. Fellows, I think I have an idea. Okay, guys, let's go over the plan one more time.

I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy. And I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74.

(CRAWLING RAPIDLY)

you soiled yourself. Enjoy.

Wait a second. - Yeah, no shit. - What?

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.

Go, Dust Mites! I wish they'd put Chris in already. Peter, relax. It's his first game. Griffin, get in there! Oh! They're sending him in. Yay, Chris!

Now, let's go. VENDOR: Butt scratcher! Get your butt scratcher here! Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm gonna be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd? I think that they're gonna have,

You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop. Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room...

Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No.

Remember when you twisted up your garden hose? Well, essentially that is the plan That is the plan Well, I'm starting to get the picture, but how's it done?

I thought we lived in suce a nice small town. There's no such thing anymore, Lois. Things are A Lot different than when we were kids. Well, It just makes me sad. Hey, It makes me sad, too. But, uh, you know. I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all.

Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away. We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be. (BOTH LAUGHING) I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day. Don't frolic too much, Rupert.

PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs!

Gonna have a Christmas special with Andy Williams.

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

Brother? Rupert, did you hear that?

Hey, kid, nice costume. Really? Oh, my God, thank you so much. My mother bought it for me, and I was worried it might be a tad banal, but if you big kids like it, then it must be pretty cool. That's a nice bag of candy you've got. Oh, thank you. You know, it's actually a pillowcase. They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know.

How could we have misjudged him so severely? Oftentimes, it's the ones who seem the happiest. Well, the upside is, at least we have our old Brian back. From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about. Hey, everybody, I'm Bernie the hamster. Would you like to be my friend?

Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world. That's all I ever wanted people to know. Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will. You got a deal. DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore!

(BEEPING) He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast. That's not what I said. I said there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet. Well, I see some bantha tracks, but I don't see any... Wait a minute, they're Sand People, all right, I can see one of them now.

(CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

Awesome! All right! Oh! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now!

AUDIENCE: Das! Ist! Gut!

It's here. The uranium lab is in here. - Where'd you get that thing? - Up your ass.

Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?

It was destroyed in the accident. Well, can I use yours? No reception up here. - Regular phone? - Lines are down. - Pay phone? - Road's closed. E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam. Morse code? Obsolete. Brain-damaged bicycle courier? I'm not quite so sure I can find my way. Yeah, you're gonna be here a while.

Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh. Hey. Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend.

Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, surfin'... (SINGING GIBBERISH)

No! I mean... I mean, I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I mean, I wouldn't... I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean, I would if I was having sex with her, which obviously I would not do. But if... I mean... I'm safe and all, you know? I get an AIDS test once every three months. And not because I... You know, it's not because I have a lot of sex. I just...

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

I don't want to die! Why is everybody acting weird? Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve. What I did? That I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo? No.

You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks!

I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No.

If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get in shape the way American athletes do, by taking steroids. I say, Jenkins, you give me that dirty look one more time, and I've a good mind to get into my PJ's and have a pillow fight with you. Very well, then. En garde!

All right, good. Now let's give you a pencil-thin douchebag beard. Oh, heavens! I look like a rake. No, you look like you don't care, and that's good. Oh. Okay.

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING)

Eww! Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again! No! oh, This has gotta stop. Oh, God! It smells gross. Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears. That's odd. It looks like someone already tried to clean it up.

So, in addition to buying 200,000 lottery tickets, you had 400,000 fake ones printed up? I had to be sure. Oh, my God. We won! What? Let me see that. Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler. Sir? All right, butle my penis.

No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots.

NARRATOR: We now return to Ellen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking. So, you want to hear about my movie? I had a great weekend. We spent three months shooting in Louisiana. I danced all over my house. And it's a thriller. It's really a love story, too. I try to dance in every room at least once a week. I also listen to jazz while I vacuum, which is cool. Anyway, it comes out Friday. I got to work with Julianna Margulies... My pets were going wild all weekend. I think there's, like, something in the air.

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy?

You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.

And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities. Holy crap! They're all so... small. Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries.

Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.

Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine. Thank you, Doctor. I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat.

Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown.

We thought Muriel was the killer, and look how that turned out. We have no proof of anything. Is this the latest you've ever stayed up? It's the latest I've ever stayed up. Oh, no! Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe! She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object.

Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here.

You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her.

And I guess that's why They call it the blues Joe, you got a minute?

And you're just lovely. Would you like a carrot? (MUNCHING) Good girl. Brown-nose, huh? All right. I'll do something special for her.

yee... haw! Oh! Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm blending in. Relax, Lois, It's not our house.

Defensive blows to their heads were to send a message... ANNOUNCER: Oh, sorry, sorry. ...help me get into used car sales. Hey, Stewie, I don't know if you have any interest in this, but I was wondering if you want to go to Vegas with me and see Celine Dion. Are you kidding? Of course I want to go! Wow, these are good seats! I know. Apparently, they were donated by Goldman's Pharmacy.

Ahhh! (RETCHING) Ahhh!

Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face!

All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said... Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious!

and I'm tired of sitting in ball soup. Look, Dad, this isn't gonna be a cake walk, all right? I'm your supervisor. Meg. Meg, I promise, I'll do better at this job than I did on the SATs. Come on, do math.

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home. I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right!

RITA: I am plugged up. (GIGGLING) (SIGHING) Wow, you are really pretty! Thanks. You know, I wrote a book. What's that? - It's like a long magazine. - Huh?

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Giggity! Platinum-plated silverware Just one day when kids don't stare It's all I really want for Christmas this year!

Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting! If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church.

I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex? No! But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married.

Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead.

Sorry, I'm late. I had a meeting over at NBC about Joey. Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today. Not according to my paperwork.

What? Who? What are you doing here? Uh, Peter and Lois are, uh, getting intimate. My God! I--I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them!

Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you. I-I don't know if you remember, but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later. Damn rookies. Are all the other men out of the shower yeT?

There you are. What? Well, you're jumpy. So, did you hear all that noise last night? I swear to God it sounded like somebody had an accident and maybe somebody got hurt.

Well, that was my pleasure, too, Peter. Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman.

Dialysis? Is there any other way? Yes, there is. No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. We'll do the dialysis.

Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh! Oh, uh, my--my-- My--My day was ok. Heh. You know, the usual. Ha.

Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman. Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam! Unless I'm confusing you with someone else.

Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing...

That is the picture from Craigslist. No way it is. It is. No way it is. All right, what do the rest of you want? We want the city government shut down. (CHEERING) Oh, I see. And all of you feel the same way? ALL: Yes! MAN: No! (GUNSHOT) ALL: Yes!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Do you know who I am? I'm Elroy Jetson! Yeah, yeah, Come back when you have some money. Take him home, bamm-Bamm. Bamm-Bamm! bamm! I don't want to go home! Take me to Astro's grave!

Peter, what the hell's going on here? Lois, we're no longer one Nielsen family. We're 100. More boxes, more power. And I got some ideas to make TV better. (TOUCHTONES BEEPING) (RINGING) Hello, Mad Men production office. Yeah, Peter Griffin here. Could I speak with Jon Hamm, please?

You came unarmed? As we agreed. Admirable. But foolish!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Well, I guess sometimes you're just right for the part. Like James Earl Jones playing Darth Vader. So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

(SCREAMING) Das poop!

Brian, we both know I touched it. Now if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers.

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson!

This is horse shit!

Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

But wait, this is our last chance to do a panty raid! (GIRLS SCREAMING) Yay! Fat camp! We got it! Oh, no, a gust of wind! (WIND HOWLING) Oh, Chris, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here, safe and sound. Me, too, Mom.

Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here!

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning.

Everyone's gonna make fun of me! Oh, come on, who's gonna make fun of you? Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it! And I'd better not see you at the big dance! Come on, you. Sorry, Chris. I'm gonna go with him.

Hey. Hi. Hey. PETER: Damn it. He already started. If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird. He'll be all done, and I'll still be here. Come on, Peter. Pee. Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal? What the hell's wrong with you? - All set? - Yup.

Yes, the fat man's going to Hell. And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil. Stewie, eat your oatmeal. Honey, you're a wonderful husband, a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand, a very devoted son.

Oh! I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. Monkey in the closet. This is gonna be great. the Last time I did any male bonding was when me and Cleveland went to Chinatown.

Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter.

And the next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of uS. ah, It's so nice to be home. You have 113 new messages.

MALE VOICE: Somebody's in here. Oh. Excuse me. Good morning? Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap.

Everybody who made these cookies has shot themselves. Well, I bet I did something really important and exciting. Like maybe I was a speechwriter for the first ever black president. Hey, can he say the word "ask"? Or is that a word we should avoid? Yeah, and I betcha I was the voice of an animated bird. I thought I saw a cat.

No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you. I love it. I will kill you.

No. Okay, then we'll do other stuff. Okay, Mort, now, if you want to get more customers in your pharmacy, you're gonna have to do a promotion, like... Like, "Buy one, get one free." What? Buy one, get one free. Huh? Buy one... Yeah, I get that. Get one free. Is that, like, a Spanish word?

Peter, I left a very good job for this! You're the only reason I came back out here! I wish I could help you, Tom, but this is coming from upstairs. The karate studio? Tom, I have to go now. But if you're ever Kevin James, I want you to give me a call. (VIBRATING)

Thanks for your help, Griffins. Brian, do you really think Loretta is beautiful? Absolutely. That's really how I feel. Now, it is true her personality is abrasive. Slightly abrasive. But overall, Loretta is a delightful person, very pleasant to be around and free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine! Ding.

All right, see you later, gang. Chris, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at camp. What am I paying for? I could have gone pro if it wasn't for my bum knee. (SNORING) (SIGHS)

Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything. That's right, Peter, they are red. Lois, what are you doing? I switched Peter's questions to the pre-school edition. Just to let him have his moment. Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks.

Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole. Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin. There is no talking penguin in The King and I.

All right, Stewie. Let her rip. All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

Ah. It's like I died and went to heaven. But then they realized that it wasn't my time. And so they sent me back to a brewery.

(PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jackass. Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready? (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God!

Why are we watching TMZ? I hate this show. Keep watching. So what do you got? I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom at his nephew's play in Rhode Island. PETER: Richard! Hey, Richard! Hey, can I get your autograph?

Hi, I'd like to rent The Proposal. Hang on, let me check the return slot. I'm sorry, it hasn't been returned yet. I have a poster from The Proposal you can look at. You'll get most of the story. Huh. They seem pretty mismatched. There you go.

Well, this looks comfortable. (SIGHS) This is gonna be a relaxing weekend. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast.

I daresay, I should embrace the idea of having a little brother. After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team. ahh!

aHh! My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve.

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are!

Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now.

Yeah, maybe Dennis "Radaman" is gonna punish you with his crazy hair. No? MAN: Osama. What's that? Right, right. Yeah, no. Okay, okay. All right, let's go again. Okay.

If you mess with Mr. Booze If you've been so stiff they thought you died You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify This man wants to testify. Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness.

No, Joe. Phone sax. Are you ready? You better believe it. (PLAYING BAKER STREET SOLO) Oh, Peter! Yeah. Now your turn. And do it how I like.

Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys!

Peter, what're you doing? Crack.

(CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium.

Sweetie? You married a total jerk.

Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar. Now here's Roy!

Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic!

I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer. Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway.

PETER: Oh, my God, Angela. That was... That was... That felt so good. ANGELA: All I want to do is please you, Griffin. Well that was a good idea you had dunking your hand in the toilet. Oh, my God! I wouldn't have sex with Angela! She's disgusting! Not when you're drunk, she's not.

Wow, that's a lovely color. Your dress is.... The color of your dress is.... " like.... You're very pretty. 0h, thank you. I'm the 11th grade history teacher, Miss Parks. Oh! Like Rosa Parks. Or, you know, or someone white named Parks. Nothing cuter than a nervous white dog.

For God's sake, you used to make Plasto molds of celebrity body parts. Okay, Daryl, it's almost dry. Very nice, by the way. This one's going on the shelf right next to Dan Fogelberg. Hey, Lois, am I up next? Just wait in your dressing room. I'll come back for you, Oates. I am not coming back for Oates.

Meg, you're a good swimmer. Go get it. What? But Dad... And for God's sake, do not be afraid to make me a sandwich while you're in there. (INHALES) Peter, Meg's been in there a long time.

TOM: What happened to the girl? WOODS: I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron. (GRUNTS) Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo! You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing!

But that's a breach of police protocol. This isn't about you as a cop. This is about you as a man. Come on, what do you say? Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice. (CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit?

All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible. All right, Peter, how are we gonna do this? How are we gonna get rich?

How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in.

This is more like it.

Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable! Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich? I don't want to die!

- Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah! All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with Purple Hearts. Shoot me in the foot. What? Shoot yourself in the foot. No, no, no, no. They can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you. I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work. Ready? One, two, three.

I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership,

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!

Wait a second. We don't know that.

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue

Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic!

Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is. This truly is a night to celebrate, especially for me. Hey, what's going on here, Woods?

(GRUNTING) (LOUD CRACK) My back. I can't move.

Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here. Fine. Weirdo.

Huh! I'm kind of good at this. (GROANS) Later, dink!

What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her?

(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.

What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you. Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money,

uh, What is all this stuff? Oh, Peter, I have been waiting for this moment for 25 years! I haven't washed my hand since you last touched it. Oh, my God! That's disgusting! And look! Look! I left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom. It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive.

Oh, I think I'll manage. All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. And, uh, neither will that guy. Ok. I'm thinking of a movie. Is it an action movie? No. Is it a musical?

Hey, who's the director, Brian? Marty Scorsese. Who's the star of Silence of the Lambs? Tony Hopkins. Who sang Hold on to the Nights? Dick Marx. Who is the cast of Miami Vice? Donnie Johnnie, Philly Mikey Tommy and Eddie Jimmy Olmos. You are just douchy to the core. Look, whoever the killer is, they had a reason for wanting James Woods dead.

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself--

So, where is the birthday girl? Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Oh, please, my father is Mr... Oh, no, he's... Okay, well, he used to be Mr. Quagmire. Now he's... Now he's just Ida Davis. Anyway, this is a special day for you, young lady. Here's a gift for ya. A scented candle? As a girl, I love this!

Well, as usual, this is gonna suck for one of us.

duh! Ahh! Ugh! Oof! Ahh!

Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard!

Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat

Should I follow the knight into the dungeon, or should I go back the way I came? I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37. (EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page.

A private plane? How'd you swing that, Quagmire? Well, let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston. Oh, my God, this plane is awesome, Quagmire. Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes.

Shut the fuck up.

I wasn't invited! I hate Chris! He's such a jerk! Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused about who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life!

This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. Remember? And you put that dream aside in order to provide for this family. Yeah? Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes!

After MySpace but before Twitter. There was a time before Twitter?

Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.

Wow, you're smart. What? Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. You're so fatherly. It really turns me on.

Hey. You okay? Yep. Just waiting for my car. Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great, and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.

He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace. Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream. I can't believe Horace is dead.

(HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin? Any what? "Anacin"? Yeah, Anacin. Do they even make Anacin anymore? Yeah, it's still around. Why? No, it just seems like sort of a '70s medication.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Robert Mitchum in Out of Shape In-Shape Guy from the '50s. Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me. You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale.

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power.

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing.

All right, you know what? This is not working. If you're gonna learn to drive, you're gonna have to practice first. Here, play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours, and then we'll give it another try.

Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty. Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers!

(GRUNTING) Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)

Oh, no! (Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.

Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter. Well, that's great, Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it. Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says,

I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. (POPS MOUTH) Peter, this is serious. Let me see that. A big screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets... Peter, someone has obviously stolen your credit card. Well, here's the good news, Brian.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING) (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? I killed you!

Shirt Pants? What kind of name is that? I don't know. What's your name? I kinda think it's Manly Walker. Wheeler? No, Walker. Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right. It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar.

it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one.

holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da.

(GUN CLICKS) Okay, now me. That's a stop sign! Anthony, you want to come with me? Sure. Don't be ridiculous. I'll keep him company till you get back.

Loretta likes to personify her menses in humorous ways. Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping? Sorry, bud, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, y-you see where I'm going with this. Oh! I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.

In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens. (ALL SCREAMING) Where're we going?

Pull up a chair, we're playing cards. Oh. Ok.

Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No--

Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone. Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go.

B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on! Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.

Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people! Look, Why don't you just hang back and stretch? I don't get it. The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me. Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own. Now, see, that's what people hate. Really?

Bears on unicycles, every one. So what do we do now? We're undercover U.S. agents in a hostile foreign territory. We just got to make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out. Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

And I'll always turn it down because money just complicates everything. We don't need money because we have each other. Happiness isn't about buying expensive things, it's about being together.

Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

MAN ON TV: We now return to How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother. I was walking with my professor, when I saw this woman who was... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got... (MAN READING) So you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions? I just think Meg is really cool, and I want to get to know her better.

These tapes are about communication.

Guess he's going first. We got a new pencil sharpener in math class! Well, that's nice. Say, Rita, who was President when you were born? Great pot roast, Lois. Thank you, Brian. Rita, would you like me to cut yours up a little smaller? Oh, I'm fine. Boy! Speaking of that, I don't know how many people have asked me today where I was when Martin Luther King was shot.

(DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.

Hello? Where'd you go? (GASPS) (SNARLS) Oh. Well, then, I guess I worried for nothing. Yeah. Nobody cares if a dog gets killed.

Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right iS.

Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin! Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on T.V.?

You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant. What? Oh, my God, Meg, why didn't you tell me? I didn't think you wanted to see me. But this changes everything. I wanna be there for you, Meg. I love you. Will you marry me?

Peter, are you... Oh, come on! Lois, I know it's late, but, me and the guys, we're going beekeeping. Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you? Whoa, someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast. I don't need honey, Peter, I need a husband who wants to spend time with me.

(EXPLOSION) (THUDDING) There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the '90s. Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'"

But I'm not changing my mind. Oh, gosh, I can't wait to see this fancy restaurant. Oh, you're gonna love it, Lois. Here, put on these special eating gloves I bought you. Why do I need to wear gloves to eat in a fancy restaurant? Because it's so fancy that... You know what? I'm tired of this. I booked you a boxing match. Son of a bitch! Damn it, Peter.

Yeah, we got enough napkins. That's enough. That's enough, right there. (SIGHS) What time is it? Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't... (SHOUTING) Meg, sweep that up. Just get a broom. Sweep that up. Sweep that up. Put it up in your room, but sweep it up first!

I got $850! I got a rock. I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain! I spent my refund on a plug- in Playmate.

Hey, guys, let's play a party game. Let's go stand over near Brian, and we'll take a drink every time he says "bonerific". "Bonerific"? Yeah, it's his catch phrase. He says it all the time. Yeah, sure. I'm in. Okay.

I--i, Mozart was a geniuS.

I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping. No, I wouldn't. Not a corn farthing would I bet. No, sir. What's wrong with you? A little wrong in the head, I am, from eating some bad sausages. Yes, some bad sausages did I eat, indeed, sir. Yes, I did. Some bad sausages ate I.

CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there. Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.

Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque. Ugly phoque and bitch. Good job, Chris. I think you're ready.

Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here! - What are you doing? - I'm reading. What... What... What...

All right, Lord Vader, you win. I've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14. Ohh!

So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter! Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky.

Queer name, right? The book was actually not bad. For your information, Jillian is very bright, and she happens to be a very talented photographer. Oh, that is so lame. Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she is a photographer. You took a black and white picture ofa lawn chair and its shadow and developed it at Savon, you must be so brooding and deep.

How the hell did you even meet him? We had a pen-pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other. Well, it stops now! But, Mom, I love him! It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

Hey, boys. Mind if we join the party?

Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where? To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming! Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, but I'm not driving you to the North Pole.

I watched the sun rise in my jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket.

Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. Why wouldn't you look at me during? (SOBBING)

Oh, damn! I'm a monster!

My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)

Please give me rat poison, I want only to die. No, we did it, Pop-Pop.

Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian? Hi, I'm Greg Louganis. I'm totally shaven. Terrific! Terrific.

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin. All right, look. First of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people.

and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. (CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG)

Gentlemen, we have a problem. There's an anti-smoking bill before congress that could put us out of business. Yes. Apparently causing cancer is this year's "hot button." I don't understand it. We've tried everything to get through to these politicians. Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns.

37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

What--What else do you hate? People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards! Oh--oh, People who use the word "guesstimate." Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric! Ew!

From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy!

Hi, there. I'm Peter, and this is Lois. We want to talk to you about a friend of ours. He's not here tonight. Although, you know, he's kind of here, Lois. You know, you're right. He kind of is. Yeah, because he's in our hearts. This is a song about that man and his world that was taken from him.

Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record! Tonight's top story, local record-shop employee, Jesus Christ, was found in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment this morning, face down and unconscious.

For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

Looks like We're getting some rain here tonight, John. Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain! I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp.

What the deuce?

So, Carolyn. Guess you should've hit that when you had the chance, huh, Brian? What? You're the one who told me to wait! You're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland. You know what you need?

I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that. Chris, who are you talking to? Grandma. Oh, no! What is it?

Go for a ride in the car? (GASPS) Come on!

Ok. I'd put Brad Pitt's face on Brendan Fraser's body with Ben Affleck's butt! My turn! My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha!

Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever.

Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment. 11:45 and the lights are on. Doing it with the lights on now, whore? Don't mind looking at his body? I love you so much, though.

Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times,

Sure, sweetheart. Meg, you have a wart!

You ain't so tough, young man. That all you got, you son ofa bitch? You're going down, young man. You're going down! I can't believe this. She keeps getting up. I'm so exhausted. (CROWD GASPING)

We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights.

I don't think that guy's right for her. Do you see the way he treats her? - What do you care? - Because I think I'm in love with her. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off. What are you talking about? I'm talking about my meat. Gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking it, I just push it in like a button and put a Band-Aid over it. What kind of Band-Aid?

If you forsake your religion, you'll spend eternity in hell. Oh, God. I don't want that! Then you better knock off all the Jewish stuff. Well, all right. If that's what you think is best. Wait. Dad, before you go, can you say, "Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System?"

Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smucker's. Peter, I don't know what you think you're doing, but you've ruined my Sex Ed class. There's no way you're coming with me again. Fine, but without my advice, those kids are gonna be as hopeless as Liam Neeson when he tries to play an American cowboy.

Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman!

You should be a producer.

Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat.

The vessel goes to-- $100 million! ...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million!

I'm glad you're home, son. Me, too, Dad. You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too. Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? (ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY)

Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time.

Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal? What the hell's wrong with you? - All set? - Yup. I know you didn't go. I'm gonna go pee in a stairwell. ANNOUNCER: Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz.

I say, anybody listen to Howard Stern this morning? He had some strippers in the studio. They sounded hot. Then he made a joke about a negro. But Robin laughed, so it was okay. I think I'm coming down with something. Chris, relax.

Yeah, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder lately. Besides, anything that comes out, I can always take home to her. (STAMMERING) I don't think this is a good idea.

and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. "Have you hidden my hatchet?" "'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?" Oh, God, no! It's an "H" sound, you moron! "H"! "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" ew, Your breath smells like kitty litter! I was curious!

I'm gonna have to put you down. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Quick, Brian, get on! PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

Case dismissed. What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on a multinational fast food conglomerate. Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian. Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world. How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding?

Ok. Ok. So how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.

I got Money Joe. (LAUGHING) That's a good one, Money Joe!

Two D's and an F. Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin. But you can call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.

MARY HART: Celebrating birthdays today, IG-88 turns 27, Lando Calrissian is 42,

and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud.

Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked. And I'm allowed to videotape it.

And for God's sake, do not be afraid to make me a sandwich while you're in there.

Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball! Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side. Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive.

- STEWIE: Dude, that was painful. - What are you doing here? Did you follow us? Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here? Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'm gonna have to break it off. But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin. "Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..."

My God! Isn't it amazing that that's what we all look like on the inside? It's a robot, you idiot.

Any moment now, the Earth will be sucked into the gaping maw of the black hole. We here at Channel Five would like to leave you with some highlights of mankind's brief existence, like the Battle of Hastings. Guys, if we win this, we get Hastings. Yeah, let's do it! Let's go! All right, Hastings! The Ottoman Empire.

Looks like we got a joker here.

Well, there's a whole section of the Torah dedicated to burning down your business. Right after the chapter on writing complaint letters that will result in compensatory merchandise. "Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve.

it doesn't mean we have to be stuck in the 19th century with our value system. Mary needs to stand up for herself. Hmm. Interesting. I suppose we don't really have an outspoken female character on the show. Damn right, you don't. Could be a possible breakout if we play it right. All right, Karina, we'll try it your way and see what happens.

You can have... Um... You can have strawberry yogurt. I don't like strawberry yogurt. Oh, picky for someone who eats the same food out of a plastic bowl on the floor every night. Okay, I get it.

You're always getting medals for catching crooks. Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once. I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know?

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger Lois Griffin. Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor?

All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you!

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come!

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi!

That wasn't a dream, Peter. He's here for the money. Aw, Brian, I'm screwed. If I welsh on that debt, I'm gonna prove to everyone that I'm not good enough for Lois. If I only had something worth that much money.

Well, Where is he?

Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. Oh, god! Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me with thine sweet, searing arrow? Stomach, cease thy lustful quake.

You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian. Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God,

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life. It sure is good to have you back, Mom.

I'll be on your bed. No calls. Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner. Really? All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it.

One gift is okay.

So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian? All right, you guys. I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking...

It's just, i--I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh, and, uh, I also left a button on the bureau. um, i--I'm not sure what it goes to but, uh, i--I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to, and--and then it'll... Wait a minute. Actually, Could it have been from the sweater?

I wrote you that because I knew you'd never come if it was me. But I planned a big night, and we're gonna have a great time. Brian, Cheryl was the one that got away. She was the great love of my life. I thought this was my chance to finally achieve some real happiness. Ever since she left, I've been chasing girls to fill the hole she made when she walked out.

Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex?

Giggity Giggity '50s Giggity.

Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

He met a girl. He got married? He says he's not coming back.

That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

You serious? That's right, Peter. Say hello to your future brother-in-law. Brother?

Peter, did you take the money from the family jar? Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.

(RETCHING) (SWALLOWS) Yeah, that was so hot.

But I guess that's too much to ask. (DOOR BELL RINGS) (ALL SHOUTING) Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul.

The only thing that's nice about this is even though it's a Tuesday, it feels kind of like it's a Friday. Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

All right, see you guys.

And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free!

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.

That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. What? No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. (CHUCKLING) Look at you out here, on a big trip. What are you doing? I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me.

I'm sorry. Will you all please excuse me for a moment? MAN: Tonight's winning lottery numbers are... tr, 21, 18, 7, 42.

But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free One, two, three, ho! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed No, you don't need meth and you don't need speed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Have a go, Brian. As Mr. H. L. Mencken said "The common man's a fool"

I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

How is that? How is what? How is it anything like a monkey having the keys to an amusement park? I don't know. The hours would be erratic. Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it.

You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

yeah, Ok. Ok. All right. Hey, Hey, softball this afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake. Ok, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. 10 more reps. Ok, and one, and 2, and 3...

Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! ooh, Turn it up! Mom and Dad are on!

He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS)

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right?

'Cause your car broke down, and you need to wipe a cold soda on your neck to cool off. Well, maybe I don't need to cool off. Maybe you don't need to be employed.

Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna, and she's doing a great job. Loretta's a nobody. Diane Simmons is a star. Look, Lois, You wanted me to sell tickets, right?

I'm gonna miss you, little guy. This is for you. She made me a mix tape. Oh, dear God, what have I done? I've made a terrible mistake. LaDawn! LaDawn! LaDawn!

Quack, quack. Oh! My little ducky. You look so adorable. Oh, no, no. You see these holes? I got bit by a vampire. I'm a vampire duck.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Tuesday on Scarecrow and Mrs. King. My God, what did those drug dealers do to you?

And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss!

Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

So the long and the veiny of it is,

No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us. In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens.

What the hell was thaT? Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. Uh, How much are we getting? Let's see. $150 a week. Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.

It's anybody's race now, Tom! Ugh! And it's Odai Mutambo of Kenya! The decathlon. I don't know. That's quite a mountain to climb, Peter. Joe, look at me! look at me! Do I have food in my teeth?

The first one's always hard. There we go. The second one's easier, 'cause, toes. Come on, fella. That's it. (SCREAMING) There you go. Create an adventure with that.

All I gotta do is make a call.

Hey guys. ls everyone on the phone? " got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing...

Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way.

Drive. Any particular direction? That way. You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.

No, I didn't. As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what? Well, Lauren, it's a real pleasure having you here for dinner. Of course, I'm sure this isn't as exciting as your usual cuisine. You know, all that caviar with the little silver spoons.

And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote?

And I will give you a raise tomorrow, if you come to work without a shirt on. Mr. Griffin! I--I'm sorry. That came out wrong. L-l-l-Let me try again. nice ass. You haven't heard a word I've said! Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just-- You know, There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand.

Well, well, a lost child. Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen.

Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh! (GASPS)

Well, okay. (GRUNTS) Ah! (GAGS) Ah! Ow! Ow! Yeah, that's right, "Ow." Now, you swallow that. Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted.

Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was. After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina, where I managed to get a job at a summer camp for fat kids.

Let's have sex on his back like we used to. CARTER: What the hell's going on?

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty.

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

The family band? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band. - Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb, so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died. That's the way I want to go.

Guess who? Stop it, Chris. Wrong! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, Wait. Did you say "Chris"? Stewie, time for breakfast! Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy? What the devil are you talking about? Handsome? I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak!

Yeah, I heard it. They say my name on TV all the time. Calm down, bitch. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me, even though it's been a day-and-a-half since I've showered, and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois.

What's this? Ooh, candy! Hey, Meg. I heard what happened. Yeah, Kent hates me now.

How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun. You can hit your friend on the head with it. But don't hit him on the head with it. Yeah, thanks. I don't really need any of that stuff. You got any dents you need hammered out? ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose!

Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! BURGLAR: What did she say? She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING) (PANTING) Are you okay? Yeah. I was so scared.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Peter. Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible. Oh, I didn't get any sleep. Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister.

Whoo! Ha! Ha! (RAPPING) I respect women when I'm on a date I take them to the park or maybe a museum And I only try to kiss them if they're ready Whoo-hoo! What, what, what, what I say what, what Help out your mom and dad by getting a job So you can help pay for school supplies Whoo-hoo!

Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too.

Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois. What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own? That's insulting. And you know what? I don't like the way you've been talking to Rush this evening. You know, I thought you were my friends. But if you can't accept me now that we disagree about certain things, then maybe you aren't the friends I thought you were. I'm moving out. What? No!

Well, here we are. Okay, guys, squeeze in. Bible photographer. Okay, we're smiling, we're happy to see Jesus. There we go. Hey, guys, watch your step in there. That floor's gonna be dripping in virgin olive oil. - That's kind of hot. - Gross. Hello, we are the three wise men.

His movies are terrible.

This is so hard.

You got the stuff?

A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck. All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive. That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

Me Peter. You maid. Um, I do speak English. You maid, clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess. Peter, stop it. Welcome to our home, Joan. I'm Lois. Won't you come in? Oh, boy! My own maid.

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Hello, Alaska! Adam!

The Griffin family farm. (SNIFFS) Dad, what's that smell? Oh, that's just feces, urine, rotting plants, dead animals, methane, standing water and diesel exhaust. But that's kind of a mouthful, so, for short, we call it fresh air.

I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper! (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity! What about Peter? Yeah, Peter next! I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.

Is that right? Keep the change. Road House. (SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes!

All right! We did it! Yes! We got the kid and the treasure. Peter, there's no treasure.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING)

where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement... and then end with something good. Whatever you gotta do. Okay. Let's see. Something good. Something good. Something good. You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile. Where you need improvement. You have smelly dog farts.

(SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS)

hang On, Hang on, hang on! You overextended the plie! You screwed it all up. Let me show you again.

One Comanche needs a cup of sugar

After him! Boys, to your Rascals!

Oh! Boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note. I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter.

Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman? No way! ahh! ahh! Oh, For the love of Pete! I'm good! Ah, How fun.

Well, I'm off to work. Ok, honey. One of our neighbors took that trophy, Lois, and I'm gonna find out who. I'm taking Stewie with me again. Fine, sweetie.

"We'll take the box."

He don't get none of that! He wasn't here for it!

let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know.

What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

- You need anything from the market? - PowerBar! What's wrong, Brian? You've just been sitting on the couch ever since you got back from the hospital. You need to get out of the house. I don't know, Lois. I'm a little depressed. The accident got me thinking about how uncertain life is and how suddenly it can be taken away.

Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

How convenient! Blame it on someone else.

Am I right, Gene?

Who's talking like he's black The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack

Ahhh! Salad! (BOYS SCREAMING) Thank you for sharing, Leonard.

I had a great weekend. We spent three months shooting in Louisiana. I danced all over my house.

Well, fantastic then. How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin? Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis.

Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet?

Plutonium at the farmers' market?

Sure, sex is fun, but you can't have it before you're married. Even if you use a condom.

Everyone, guess what. What? I have been selected.

Hey, youthful guy. How is your barizzness on this aggressively redonkulous morning? What the hell are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk. Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young, either. Brian, we should sip Bacardi like it's your birthday.

Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do.

Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four.

You wouldn't kill me, would you? Thanks for helping me dig this hole, Mr. Montesante. Hey, no problem, Stewie. This can be a pain in the ass when you got to do it all by yourself. You're telling me. All right. Go ahead and drop it in. Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful when it reaches adulthood. Yeah. I love plants.

Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE)

Oh, my God. Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways. Thank you. (ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies. I think about you while having sex with my wife. I thank you with $1. That's a lot of money to them.

Here's a gift for ya.

Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working!

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough. I got more funny ones. I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah, I think we're fine. Lot of face stuff going on in that one. Yeah, let's just get to it. Okay, so the eggs have already been fertilized by means of intracytoplasmic sperm injection.

Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing.

and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination.

Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs. I wanna show you a freckle on my sack that I'm concerned about. It has irregular edges.

Mr. Herbert! Mr. Herbert! He can't hear me. Jesse! Jesse!

Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh? We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn and watch Jimmy Kimmel try. No, thank you, Peter. And even if I wanted to, the TV is out. There must be something wrong with the dish. It's all right. It's all right.

Yup. Life is confusing when you grow up. isn't it, Brian? At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.

Hi, folks. Just thought I'd stop by and make sure your equipment is working properly and see if you have any questions. Yeah, is something wrong with our remote? No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do? Thank you. I think we're good. Everything seems to be going well. Okay, great. Well, I'm just gonna change out the card on your unit real quick,

Oh, how hard can it be to pitch? Aah! Uh, Ok. Take your base. Somebody call 911. Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel! Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired!

No, no, no, not like that!

But there's nothing funny about that. (LAUGHING)

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING)

Oh. So, you ladies ever been penetrated? Yup. Yup. Yup. Mmm-hmm.

MADAME CLAUDE: With Griffin Peterson exiled to the New World and Lady Redbush believing he was dead, King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand.

"Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck. Easy for you to say!

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

You looked ridiculous. You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead. How was your bowel movement, Peter? I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker. Wait, what time is it? I got to turn on TMZ. (ANNOUNCER READING) ANNOUNCER: Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home in the Hills.

Don't know... And now sports. That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement? That son of a bitch went back on his word. - CARTER: Hello? - Daddy. We're all sitting here in front of the TV awaiting the big announcement.

My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God! You can talk! Never mind.

So before you decide I don't belong here, remember this, I was there! Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Great Moments in Women's Stand-Up Comedy.

(ALL CHATTERING) Ah! I can't wait to see all my old classmates. This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter? Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow.

So, what are we hauling, good buddy? I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north. Boy, this is the way to do it, huh, Jerry? Sure is. Think this makes us lazy? Nah, we're still in the V-shape.

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing?

That's why, if I'm elected, I promise to fight for competent teachers, a better-funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead". Mr. Griffin, your response?

Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others? Stewie, come complete our rainbow!

Oh, When you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.

That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know! So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.

(FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

And we're out of time. This has been The Lunch Hour. Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal. And remember, life is full of entrees, so don't fill up on bread. I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon. MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon.

Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

You know what, at least Cynthia Gorack's husband cares about her family. I can't even talk to you when you're like this. Okay. It's over now because you say it is. Way to go, Karen. You solve all our problems by just walking away! And it's so obvious I don't care about the family.

Before I post the cast list my choreographer and I wanna thank everyone for auditioning. You were all great. Weren't they? I only wish the show was called The King and Us, so I could cast you all.

Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it. You gotta da hot links? Come on, the Pope-a want-a da hot links. (GRUNTS)

Is it true you were born in 1880? This is my rassinfrackin' land! And I don't care what no man from no Tennessee Valley Authority says, consarnit!

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin.

Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe.

Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not in your feet. Well, where are they? Under your penis.

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING)

Peter! Don't get up. This is a surprise. I kinda thought you didn't like me. Oh, What? Because of what I said this afternoon. no, No. See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver.

I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!"

What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry.

Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh! Hmm.

That's how you end up in another dimension. Gee, that's rough. I need a friend, Brian, like I've never needed a friend before.

See, yeah, I'm not quite... We can't do this over the phone. You're gonna have to come over. I can't come over. We're still on the run, because the town thinks Stewie's possessed. No, they don't. Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago. What? I have to go. Wait, wait, I have another question.

All right, class, today we're going to be talking about variables. (CLASS GIGGLING) Okay, it's just a rear end. We all have one. Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's. No, we're not laughing at you. We're laughing at Griffin's shoes.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke.

But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody! Okay, everyone. This is my first time doing a seder,

You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No! Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT.

I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read. Hey, Lois, what's this word? "Evel." And this one? "Kneivel." - And this one? - "Was." And this one? "Born." And this one? "In." And this one? "Montana." Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana?

I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person. And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. That's wonderful, Jenny.

I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up! Wow! Joe, this sort of makes you like Larry from Three's Company. You know, I always thought he was sexy. yes! I am all about Larry over here!

Uh-oh. I think I know what that major trauma was. (GASPS) My birth. Dear God, I've got to get out of here!

Now tell me where my tricycle is! I don't know. I lost it. Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth. ahh! No! Don't! Stewie? Look what I found. My trikie!

(BUS HORN BLARING) (BOTH GASPING) Oh, no. I have chateau'ed myself. (GROANS) Damn it. He died before he could tell us anything. Brian, he's the first guy. The first guy always dies.

Now here's Roy!

All right, let's park right there in that cave. What are you doing? You can't park there. You're not handicapped. I have vertigo. It's a real medical condition. I'm just going on record as saying I'm not comfortable with this.

So I never get asked out. But I frequently don't have plans, so yes, I would love to do something with you on Thursday night. Yes! Oh, my God, right now would be the worst time for you to tickle my lower abdomen. Because it's so exposed 'cause I'm cheering. Yeah, Thursday night!

(GROANS) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Together. Ma'am, you dropped your napkin. Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later.

Patrick? Patrick! Oh, crap! Guess we lost him. Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING)

(ARGUING) Look, you guys just say the word and I'll put this ball with cheese in it on the floor.

Then how come I never heard of it?

I saw an ad for a used car that would be perfect. Oh, No, Lois. A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes.

Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmm. No, thanks. I gotta get going. Oh, Don't make me beg, now. Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye. Get your fat ass back here.

My God, I've done it. After 80 years of work and research, I have written the greatest dirty joke in the history of mankind! (LAUGHING) (GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.

We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house! All right, does anyone have a cell phone? I'm not getting any reception! Me neither! No bars! It's all right. I'll put a message in a bottle. Now, we wait.

Hand me that paper bag. Jack, that's got my poop in it. I know, I know. It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery.

Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates. Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes. I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien. I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens. MAN ON STEREO: Party music

All right, now listen up. you limey bum sniffers. If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get in shape the way American athletes do, by taking steroids.

What are you talking about? He thinks if Chris is Jewish, he'll become smart. Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades.

There were nine dogs in that litter. Now, are you going to help me get those Hannah Montana tickets? Stewie, you're not going to be able to get tickets. It's, like, the biggest thing in town. It's sold out.

So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know....

All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room.

It's more of an object! But it's blunt! Hard and blunt! And, well, it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was raking! Let's go! All right, we need some wheels.

It's time for you to leave. I can change. I can change. I'm sorry, Peter. We're done. We can never talk again. Here's a cell phone so we can always talk.

So, do you have any thoughts on what you might want to do tonight?

Shut up, "Greg."

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey, everybody. Look what came in the mail. We got invitations to Jillian's wedding.

Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.

Peter, I need you to pick up the dry cleaning. Here's the ticket. It's the Chinese one over on Elm. All right. Well, I need my other white shirt back anyway. This one's getting kind of smelly. And if I wore another color, I think it would just throw people. You only have two white shirts? Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.

Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story tonight. Quahog, Rhode Island. Known for quaint neighborhoods, white sandy beaches and harboring blood-thirsty murderers?

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this!

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.

Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex. Him legend.

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

(GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what?

Quagmire? What are you doing here?

Well, I can't go outside. It's cold out there. You can't go out there in this weather. Your Don Don will freeze. Then I'll see you in hell! SOLDIER: Wait, Han. You'll need this. What? (SNICKERING) Bag of ice. You knucklehead. Get out of here, but know I love you.

But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball? No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low,

Bastards! Giddy-up, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! Hya! Well, bye. And to think they used to be our best friends! Well, That was then and this is now! And this is a chair. That's a lamp. And You have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy! WEll, To be honest, Peter,

You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it. Dad, I think Mom's right. Maybe you should go back to that doctor. Well, now wait a minute, Meg. Let's not be too hasty.

(EXCLAIMING) He said the thing he says on TV!

Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking, when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related.

Where is Cindi? i don't know. But She better show up soon. It's almost halftime.

Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version?

Boy, it was nice of Quagmire to let us use his place. This'll be much better than that vacation we took with The Price is Right yodeler. (YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop!

Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they? Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog.

No. And that's the story of Petoria. A little nation that, 200 years ago, seceded and repatriated in less than a week. Any questionS? Yeah. Uh, i--I don't get it. So, like, can the family understand the baby? Or--Or what's-- what's the deal with that?

Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the school board has voted to cancel your Sex Ed class.

He can't come in. Ha. He's fat. Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in.

it was a cinch that you would take the blame. Well, Patrick, I guess we all owe you an apology. Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle.

(GRUNTING) Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)

Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were the one keeping track of that. No, no, I have no idea. Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is?

It's the eye of the tiger it's the thRill of the fight

Jeff? What are you doing here? Look, I'm not supposed to see you. Your parents invited me. My parents? But they wouldn't-- Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing?

But what you shouldn't miss is the Quahog Rodeo, coming to the Civic Center this Friday. Tickets are on sale now. And for those of you who are handy with a horse, entry spots are still open. Oh, God. This seems like the kind of thing Peter... Too late, Brian. Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo? That's stupid. You don't know anything about horses and you're in terrible shape. You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois.

That's so funny. I would also say John Forsythe. I was just curious. Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is just so...

Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d!

Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please? Dad, what the hell? Lois, did you know that Meg had a date? Yes. With that nice boy from the hospital. What's the matter? We don't know him. Maybe he's not even a boy. Maybe he's two dwarves in an overcoat, wanting to see what sex is like with a big person. Huh? Is that what you want?

Brian, what the hell is going on?

A raffle ticket, Brian. But not just any raffle ticket. I won this in 1989 from a Honey Nut Cheerios sweepstakes and I totally forgot to cash it in. It's one free round of golf with a famous celebrity. Wow! Who's the celebrity? I'll give you a hint. Famous football player.

Yeah, but for the next ten minutes, I'll be very vulnerable to predators. (LION ROARS) (GASPS) Mountain lion. Make yourself look big! (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? There's a bunch of bulldozers out there.

Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail. Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.

Shut up! I'm not Jewish!

I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm

That's the stuffing, Ma.

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about. How was the cast party? We're a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life.

Good Lord, what have I done? I better get the hell out of here. What the deuce? Where did this come from? Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

Mom, Dad, am I ugly?

y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says-- Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya!

No, you're just smart enough and you're just clever enough to occasionally amuse me. If I had anybody else, anybody else to choose from, I would. You are the best of a bad situation. Nothing more. I use you, man. Yeah, I would know if you were using me. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit. And you know why I did it?

It's over. (SIGHS) Well, thanks for trying. I knew she wouldn't listen to you, though. Well, maybe so. But I know someone she'll have to listen to. Hey, gang, I'm Aquaman. Get back together. Boop-boop-boop boop-boop-boop-boop.

Meg, stop it. Come on. All right, all right, Meg, look, what if I... What if I drove you and walked in with you or whatever? (GASPING) Brian, will you go with me? - Are you going to kill yourself if I don't? - Yeah.

(GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable. Like the stock photos on a corporate website.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight And a one, two, three, four And a five, and a six and a seven. Oh!

What the hell's going on? Last night, Carter was on his deathbed, and now he looks better than he ever did. Well, they say laughter is the best medicine. Maybe he went to a comedy club or something. (LAUGHING) In my neighborhood, we didn't have no Kool-Aid. We had food coloring and water. - Mama used to call it "Fool-Aid." - (LAUGHING) CARTER: No, I don't get that. And everybody had an Uncle Earl.

(HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that.

Had better days, Lois. Had better days. Mom, it's been three months. When is Dad gonna get better?

Yes. God forbid you should've put a little eyeliner on for my homecoming. Did you have a nice trip with Brian? Oh, Yes. Smooth sailing through calm seas. Hey, uh, Kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life,

But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? It makes him happy. These are cooL.

Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter! M-m-Mr. Griffin, please. please. I--I invited you here so that Chris could make an impression on the art community.

Is it hard being a paraplegic? Well, it's no picnic. Unless your version of a picnic is being the basket. Well, you seem like you have a good attitude about it. Yeah, you know, it's like we handicapped people say, "When life ruins your legs, you just got to make legonade."

So, Peter, how was your day? Ah, it was okay. Except for that Yokohama beef bowl I tried for lunch. Not sitting so well.

Brian, I read your article in The Daily Shopper. It was wonderful. Oh, don't oversell it, Lois. No, it was good. It almost felt like it was written by a real writer. I read your article, too, Brian. It seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time working on that novel you've been working on. (SCREAMS) You know...

HERBERT: Use the Force, Luke. Obi-Wan? Yeah, it's me. Use the Force. Force that thing in there, just like I showed you with those puppets. But don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble.

Peter, I'm so happy for the both of them.

You guys have a good time. (Lois) Be good.

I was kind of gonna roofie you. What? What is wrong with you? And, Kent, I owe you an apology, too. I lied when I told you that Chris wanted to sleep with you. Save it, Meg! I don't need your apologies! I can see now that you're a complete psycho!

(BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico? Hi, is this Room 214?

I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie. Please don't do it. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you lately, but I love you and I need you. Please come home with me. Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. This is so hard. Think about what we have together, honey. Think about our little girl.

Superman. Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING)

It almost felt like it was written by a real writer. I read your article, too, Brian. It seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time working on that novel you've been working on. (SCREAMS) You know... (CELL PHONE RINGING) This is Brian. Brian, this is Wellesley Shepherdson.

Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah!

Do you want to split a Toblerone? Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. Next stop, my thighs! All right, Meg, wait here. I'll be right back. Hi there. Britney Spears. You mind ifl go in?

but I was kind of hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down. I'm a father!

Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself! Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this. I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

I really like this restaurant.

Carol, I'm really not sure you should be rushing into another marriage right now. Well, Lois, I appreciate your input, but I'm capable of making my own decisions. Are you sure? I mean, look at your track record. Nine divorces! Do you really enjoy being Carol Pewterschmidt-Johnson- Carrington-Stone-O'Craggity- Canseco-Shteinholtz-

It wasn't funny, and we'll work on it and get back to you.

You there, Bingo. It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his... I say, what's this? Volume! Volume!

(PHONE VIBRATING) The breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but, you know, not so warm that you'd break any kind of a sweat. Because let me tell you, it just ruins... Big gay phoque. Big gay phoque, yeah.

(LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title. Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight. What are you talking about? Look at me. I got a broken nose.

Look, I know you're upset. Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus? Screw that. This was never about Christmas presents, Brian. Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole? Because I'm going to kill Santa Claus! (OMINOUS MUSIC)

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs. I wanna show you a freckle on my sack that I'm concerned about. It has irregular edges. (DOOR CLOSING) BRIAN: Peter, what are you doing? I'm not going to family night. PETER: My agreeing with Lois was just pure theater. Come on, we're jumping off the roof.

Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down.

Is it "what?" That's right. You win, Peter. You did it. Oh, my God! I won. I won! My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter.

I think you are a special person. Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second! A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me? so I can tell you that I respect you?

But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. - Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here?

You do all your homework? Finish all your subjects? - Yes, sir. - Good. Just checking. Have a good night, Son.

Look here, You're obviously taking us for saps. But we're not. Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John? You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other. All right, I know how to settle this. Whoever wants the money raise your hand! Ho! Ho! You're smarter than I thought.

Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook. LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice.

He's a family guy What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why?

Pull! Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson? Uh, Which Janet Jackson? Velvet Rope. Yeah, That one. Pull!

Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie. Sweet, we are out of here. Now I can do what I planned to do this morning.

(DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike! Kids, I'm sorry to say this, but I think the two of you need to be punished. Look, it was an accident, okay? I mean, you can always buy another one, right? Buy another one? You know, I don't think you kids appreciate how hard your father and I work to provide you with everything we do. Sometimes you just seem to take us for granted.

Well, you kind of had it coming. Look, Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet. Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started.

How cute. It's a time machine! No! It's a... Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant! A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans.

I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island.

They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week.

Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you?

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive! You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it.

(PANTING) I got you now, Briggs.

I am the Ghost of Christmas Pres... Wait, you haven't gone yet? No. (URINATING STOPS) Okay, here we go. (FLATULENCE) Sorry, this is turning into something else.

And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate. Oh, God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts. Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store.

Mrs. Lockhart, our son...

Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin? Ok. and Then I got on Suddenly Susan, And that was, like, really cool. And I still do standup. And people laugh and give me money, and that's also cool. Isn't this great catching up? Oh. Anyway, I was in college-- She's still talking.

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

"It's an unwinnable war." My God, look at you. Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot. I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs. WOMAN: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

Look, look, look, let me put it to you this way. I'm attracted to you in the way that a man is attracted to a woman, but I'm not gay. When you live out in Hollywood, you learn that life is about different spirits and energies you meet along the way. I just thought maybe our spirits could intertwine, you know? Our energies could merge.

Thanks, Daddy. And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God. And if you're sorry, he'll forgive you. Thanks, Dad!

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)

Boy, that'd be satisfying. Well... Why not? What do you mean? The three of us. We go over there and we do what's right, we kill the bastard. Whoa! Whoa! Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that. You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents. Unattractive women do it all the time. You look pretty today, Carol. Thanks. It's probably just the dress and the makeup. Now that I look closer, yeah, I think that's what it is, too. Hey, you made it!

- Hello. - That's not funny!

NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn. Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century ecumenical body... "that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." I think that was the Council of Trent. You could not be more wrong. The answer is Phyllis Diller. Peter, you're reading the pink-- My turn.

I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit. Be careful, Meg. (MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe.

we're gonna have a serious problem. Well, all right. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, serious problem. Good. Now, go in your purse, take out $40 and put it in the bag. All right, Lois, you're kind of scaring me now. I... I don't have $40. All right, I understand.

oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

I know what you mean, Dad. I'm so hungry I could eat this dead camper. Holy crap! Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet, but that's never stopped us before, right? (LAUGHING)

'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge. Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile!

Jeez, why's she got to be such a nag? I wish she was more like Mother Maggie. Mother Maggie has an announcement, lads and lasses. I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)

How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's--He's alive. Oh, Well played, sperm brother. Well played! He's more clever than I thought. Perhaps too clever.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe. You don't seem very excited. I mean, this is a huge deal for me. The Chief is even throwing me a party tonight. I don't know if I can take another evening of sympathetic eye contact from all the other wives.

(EXCLAIMING) (PANTING) Looks like we're in the clear. Michael Eisner. Cover your heart.

(MOTOR REVVING) You won't get away with this. Wait till American Airlines' magazine hears about this! (KEYPAD BEEPING) Hello. American Airlines' magazine? Have I got a scoop for you. "Falcon stolen." Ew! There's a toenail in this. Guess I'll just go back to coughing. (COUGHING)

(UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean.

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in.

All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine.

Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you...

The Queen's coming to Billingsbury? That's bloody sweet! You know, I'm actually a relation of the Royal Family. You most certainly are not. Where would you get that idea? Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor. And I always heard me nana talk about how she took a duke. Must've been a difficult marriage, too,

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Yes? Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law. My client was injured listening to this audio book. We're suing you for every penny you've got. What? Why? You're liable as publisher. I'm here to seize your assets. Griffin.

How's it going, Adolf? I'll have you know my grandparents died in the Holocaust. (CHUCKLING) No, I'm just joking. They were there, though.

I think I feel worse for the pig. Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan! Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life. Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first.

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS)

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs.

I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter.

There you go. A half pound of honey maple turkey, sliced thin. I wanted a duplicate key made. You have a good one. Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on? Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap. Well, you can't fight City Hall. Oh, we'll see about that!

Ah! That's better. So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over? Mom! Come on, Jeff. Let's go in the other room. Now Meg, no need to get so testes-- Uh, Testy! Oh, Nuts! I mean crap! You want to sit down? Wait a second! Don't sit down yet! Dad, what are you doing?

Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING) ('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING) Wow! It looks like Michael Jackson's coming right at me.

Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.

I don't understand, Chris. Your blind date should be here by now. She answered the ad. Whoa! So, still no luck on the girl front, huh? I know Dad's been trying to help, and I'm trying to listen to him, but nothing seems to be working.

(PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped. Chris, have you ever seen your father do anything bad?

Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Holy crap! Oh, My God!

I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms. Hey.

Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Joe? And we have to get Stewie back! I remembered. WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

Hi, Mr. Griffin. How's it going, man? Chris, Stewie! Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter. Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later.

What happened? Did we get laid? You jackass. Those women were coming on to you and you blew it. Now we got to go to another club and start all over again. Peter, I don't want to go to another club. I don't want women like that. I want Babs.

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter. Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot.

and I haven't even got to drive it yet. Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS. All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls. Now give it a little gas.

What is this gonna do? It's gonna make her jealous. You out on the town with a hot date. How are you a hot date? Whoa! You're angry at her, not me. No wonder you're alone.

It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr. Swanson? Thank you. Hey, Dad. This came in the mail for you. A card? Look, it's one of those cards where you can record your own message.

Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those!

(WHISPERING) What? No. Why would I say that? It's not even a word. What isn't a word? "Bonerific." (ALL LAUGHING) Didn't I tell you? You can't keep this guy from saying it.

It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?

Threepio, tell them to let us go. What the hell am I supposed to say? Tell them if they don't let us go, you'll become angry and use your magic. Yeah, I'll get right on that. (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) It's not working!

I just chopped some wood! Ha, ha, ha! Good for you, son.

(SINGING SECOND TIME AROUND)

Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air. Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me.

Naked plastic chicks. - Where am I? Am I dead? - No.

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore,

Henry, I have a lost little boy. Well, Hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with mE? No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?

and how suddenly it can be taken away. You're going to feel back to normal in no time. - Here, have some food. - I'm not hungry. Here comes the gravy. (COUGHING) You messy beast. Well, hello there, Meg.

This is the worst use of money since I tricked out my big wheel. Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.

Excuse me, Hef, I got a plane to land. (NOTRE DAME VICTORY MARCH PLAYING)

Thursdays, Tom. And don't miss CSI, Thursday when Johnny Cluestein finds the secret fingerprints in the case... I've never seen the show. Brian, I'll be right back. I'm gonna use the little girls' room. All right, baby.

Sh-sh-she's new. I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

And if you promise never to do it again, I won't say anything. Okay, I promise. My baby! What? I say, let go of me. Consuela, we're leaving. My baby! Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto...

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim litz? It is you.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today.

(SIGHS) What time is it? Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't... (SHOUTING) Meg, sweep that up. Just get a broom. Sweep that up. Sweep that up. Put it up in your room, but sweep it up first!

I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey. What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex!

Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you...

No, it wasn't worth it. I'm sorry, Stewie, I can't do this anymore. I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. What's your problem?

This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.

Meg, take Stewie upstairs!

Wait. One last question.

(TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!

Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here.

And then... And then we could do other stuff. (LAUGHING) All right. I'm starved. Let's do it. (PIG SQUEALING) Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter!

Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining. My God, I'd better see a doctor. But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit.

- That feels so good. - Oh, yeah. Hello. Like that? - (MOANING) - Oh, baby. I thought about this all day. (BOTH MOANING) Not so fast. You are hurting me. (CROWD CHEERING)

10 banana- cream pies!

Well, We take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too. Wow, thanks! It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home. You know, I think the lesson here is it really doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh?

Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt! Oh, I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man!

(BOTH GIGGLING) I prefer the Alpha-Bits. So, Brian, I see you're enjoying that cup of joe. I thought you'd like it. What, you made the coffee? Created it, yeah. Oh, for God's sake... Stewie's... For Stewie's sake. Well, I'm off to the farmers' market.

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.

I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

The Bachelorette comes to Ouahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. But there will be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00. Oh, my God! The Bachelorette is coming to Ouahog. That's, like, my favorite show ever. Meg, how can you watch that crap?

Make sure your wife is out of the room.

You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole! (SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count. We have been here for three hours. I'm scared, Dad. What's gonna happen to us?

Right, and shoot Pat Tillman. No, no, no, no! Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again, 'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time. Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up.

There we go. (SMASHING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for buying me dinner, Mr. Herbert. I wanted to thank you properly for all your hard work. Souvenir photograph? Hell, yes.

"Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one."

Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles?

Oh, That's my, uh, son. Your son? But you're just a baby yourself. Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess. Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book. Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible! Oh, here's a pop-up book. "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."

Oh, no--no--no-- No. I'm not gonna see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by. I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Meow!

Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible!

Wow, I'm so excited for Brian. Remember, kids, if it's terrible, at the end, we all say, "You did it!" I can't believe we're going to the theater the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle. I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads? Boy, this takes me back. You know, I was kind of one of those theater kids in high school. Suddenly Seymour

Be careful. Muriel could be in any one of these pantries. (DR. HARTMAN GROANS)

would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat. Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission.

You could stand to lose a few pounds yourself. Unless you don't think you could handle it. Oh, yeah? Well, I think I can. What was that? Never you mind what that was.

Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh? More like T.P. Party. Toilet paper. I don't know what happened, Brian. Not having a government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we seem to have botched it all up. - Looks that way. - Wait a minute. There might be a way out of this. What? We just talk to the guy who got us into this. He'll know what to do.

- Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire?

Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money!

Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian!

Wakey-wakey, children. Good morning, Mother Maggie. The sun has risen on another day in Jolly Farm. Let's see what life's rich pageant has in store for us. Oh! She has the voice of an angel! Not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from. Play your song, Melody Sheep, to aid the little ones' nourishment.

He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah! If he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it.

Which way should we go? I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle.

Peter, how could you even think that?

We never squabbled before we lost the Clam. Yeah, you're right! It's Those lousy fog breathers! Damn British! First they took our bar, now they're taking our friendship! What's next? Apple pie, fast cars and action films?

I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number...

You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, Lois. Hi, Glenn. We just thought we'd come by and see how Peter was doing. Yeah, has he gotten any better? I'm afraid not. He's still only speaking gibberish. Yeah, and we could live without the semen throwing, I'll tell you that. I don't know what else to do. We've tried everything to bring the old Peter back,

Teen People? It's the article I wrote about you. You wrote an article about me? They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl. Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"? Yeah, they make the title. Read paragraph three. NEIL: This isn't a library, you know! "And in the face of every adolescent challenge,

All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys. There, look, they have Chunky bars. What a God-awful mess those things are. Chocolate with raisins in it. Yeah. Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate, fruit.

hA! Ha! Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. Ah, Peter, it's ok. It's just Death. Oh, Thank GoD! Uh, hey, Did someone choke on a roll in here? Oh no, no, No, No. I--I spit it up. Oh.

Holy crap, Chris! What the hell? I put you in charge of the food. The raccoons were here. See? OoH, We're a bunch of sneaky little animals. We're gonna wreck this food and eat it 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy. Let's get him in trouble with his dad. Ha! Ha! Ha! Somehow I'm less than surprised.

Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep.

Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8. Thank you. That was beautiful.

Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell!

Didn't we have an electrician in there today?

Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich? I don't want to die! Why is everybody acting weird? Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve. What I did? That I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo? No.

Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you. Hey, how are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it. Maybe the two of us could.... You know what? I don't care. You're a bitch. Brian, I know you're upset now, but if there's anything I've learned in this life... is that you can't let the little things.... Hey! Hey!

'Cause if you feel it here Well, then you're gonna be Honestly sincere (WOMEN SCREAMING) If you're really sincere If you're really sincere If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right! Oh, baby!

"Vagician" was funnier. Okay, well, the point is we ought to be worried. Peter, trust me. I know what's going on in her head. It's just a game. I used to do the same thing to my parents. The problem is they pushed back and the results were not good.

You win this round, Lois.

...my super-strength... ...or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails... ...we have a responsibility to use these powers properly... ...and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand? Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it.

Do you have my OxyContin? What?

Oh, my God, that's kind of hot. (PENCIL SCRIBBLING) Mmm. I bet you taste like Mountain Dew and Starburst.

What? Lois, you can't quit. What if Kurt Cobain had quit? Thank you! And remember, say no to drugs! Great concert, Kurt. The label's excited about your 7th album. Thanks. Oh, You remember my wife, Courtney Love? Who?

A little hint: All the answers have to do with something here at the school. Yes, I'm sure we're all looking forward to that. Now, unless there is any objection, I move that the board pass this measure. I've got an objection, and so does this man. James Woods! undefinedOh, my God. " don't believe it.

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's cool. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's fly.

I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then. Oh, no. Brian. That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller. Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? Oh, yeah. He, uh, He left a message. I forgot to tell you. Is it on the machine? I erased it.

I would like that.

What the hell? Mom! Mom, it's me! Mom! Oh, yeah, it's a baby. It's a big balloon baby, just like you're a baby. No, it's me! It's a balloon of me! Peter, come look at this. He sees a baby and knows that he's also a baby. So smart. Mama's smart little boy.

This is insane!

And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man. Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS?

I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold,

like Iron Man, directed by Jon Favreau. Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him. I'm glad you're here. Look, I pulled this all apart,

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, the President has been shot. Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot.

So I own the Clam now. Chief, you can call off your cops. And you can send those bulldozers home. Yay, The Clam is saved! Yeah! All right. We pulled it off, guys. Oh, thank God. And all because I believed in myself like Pop-Pop always said.

You are cleared to approach.

I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee!

I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes. These bluebeards still treat me like scum just 'cause I'm not loaded. I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room. Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you!

That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. I tried to call! I can't get through. The line's always busy! It's ridiculous. You can go wait in the appointment line, then. I know! I don't wanna wait! Sir, I can't help you. I don't have all day. You're going to have to take that somewhere else.

Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING)

I couldn't agree more. I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird. Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.

A soup kitchen, Dad? Isn't there any other place we can go? We're homeless, Meg. This is where homeless people go. Well, it'll just be good to get some food in us.

Lois, I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about. Well, well, Mother! We meet again! Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.

Ok, I'll give you a shot. I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor of quahog. You get it and I'll make you a reporter. You got it. Run, little rabbit, run. But someday our 2 worlds will be one. I sure hope my face clears up by then.

The real criminal's getting away. Yeah, the bastard's making a break for it, just like South America. Hmm. Lot of black guys over there. Hey, man, where you going? I'll be back. I'm coming back. I'll be right back. Why would the cops arrest us instead of going after Briggs?

Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room.

And then I'm gonna come back and mess up your seder. All right, I'm back. And I'm much more sober.

There's semen on this floor. Stewie, look! We gotta get in there! Hey, got one more here! (IN GIRL'S VOICE) Oh! Where are we? I'm from Atlanta. I don't know where we are! Hey, you better hurry. They're starting soon.

Check! Your mom's hairbrush? Check! You win! Oh, Boy! What's my prize? A pencil and a speed sign! I did it! I'll be right back. Heh. A couple of teeth and some toenail clippings, and we'll be ready for our date! Um, hey-- Hey Carol?

Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el.

I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying. All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people. Nobody will buy it. There are no sharks out here. Lots of people swimming up there.

What? Who would flush a baby swamp monster? Don't they know what would happen? Well, apparently, it has happened. And now it's grown up and is attacking important businessmen. I'm an important businessman! (FAINT GROWLING) What the hell was that?

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house!

Well, this is no better. (SCREAMING)

it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed. As a result, I'm now dead. KENNETH: That's not it. If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885. KENNETH: This could take a while.

undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Everybody still awake? All right, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel? And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that?

Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do. - Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie.

They're on the carpet! Got one over here! It's no good! There's too many of them! What do we do now? What the hell do we do now? We pray.

That's right, Spugizakom. (MOCKING) All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle. They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party.

It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?

I--I really appreciate you putting your discomfort aside, so we could have the wedding here. Oh, please, I'm over all that now. Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything.

lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

(WHISPERING) Maybe if she spent some time on the treadmill, and I was drunk.

What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore. And, by the way, let's be clear.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch! Ugh! Ooh!

If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt. What is it, Lois? I was watching... Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing? Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum?

(INHUMAN SHRIEKING) The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die. (GROWLING) Then the reindeer eat them,

Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered? Hey, Guido, watch this. Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.

(GASPING) So, anyway, I says, "Forget the dental plan, forget sick leave. "I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here." Yeah, I know, I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So, what did they say? Get this, they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day. They said that? (SCOFFS) Yeah.

Come on. Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow! Relax. The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic.

Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

What? What is it? (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) You can't say that! But it got said! What? What? By who? All right, fine, fine! I'll try it, you bastard!

The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town.

You know, actually, Angela said that the spreadsheets I presented were beyond the projections for last quarter.

Okay. So, what kind of stuff do you like to do and junk? Well, I really enjoy some of the music black people have been coming up with lately.

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait?

I'm afraid I'm no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy. And I know this! Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party.

This is gonna take drastic measures. All right, get the camera ready. Oh, Luke. Mission accomplished, Peter. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting. That's no good, Brian. Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people.

Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film.

What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist. And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person, and punctual. Yeah. Maybe we could talk about something else.

I... I don't know Shakespeare very well. Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look.

Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day. Chris, being expelled is a serious thing. Peter, we've got to find another school for him. I say, I could home-school him. After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop. Oh! (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?

All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls. Now give it a little gas.

So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself.

Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.

I suppose you did fall for me pretty hard.

Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway... and find a nice quiet field to do long division in? I mean, a nice quiet field in which to do long division. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. Okay, I'm on my way. He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous.

(GRUNTING) (COUGHS) You happy now? Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once, you're going to stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back.

(LAUGHING) Get some, Peter! Nice job on that ramp, Joe. If there's one thing I know, it's ramps. Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING)

It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right. Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me. Sweetie, you really gotta... Looks like David Tua. You've really got to stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves.

(RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick. Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous. Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Patrick is a very nice man. And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son. Whose pickle is this?

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough.

No, that seat's taken. Move along, Peter. What are you talking about? You guys are my pals. We used to be, Peter. Now, scram. Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar.

but I love you and I can't stand it anymore!

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!

Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar?

Ugh. Let's hear it for Joe! Yeah, let's hear it for the guy who found Joe! Yay! Ok. Huh.

And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack

Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf? I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder. Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner, but you married a bartender with a kid. These are facts.

My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore. Hey, where's Olivia? Oh, she's probably up at the house. Stewie? Yeah? It's not your fault. What? It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault.

Let's get loud Peter, your breakfast is ready. Hang on, I'll be right back, Lois. I'm just going across the street. Peter, you can't keep using Cleveland's bathroom. Oh, my God. Yes, I can. Cleveland's bathroom is the greatest discovery since fat women discovered Diet Coke.

Oh, gosh, look who's stuck on the couch again. I'm not stuck on the couch. Okay, Mr. Cranky. One, two, three! There we go!

Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you.

Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence.

Toby? Meg? Hi. Wow, you look just like your picture. You don't look anything like yours. Yeah, that's a candid from a summer job I had. Well, you're much prettier in person. - Shall we go? - Yeah, sure. Don't wait up, boys.

Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family.

Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today.

Grab some wood there, bub. Daddy and his friends have been drinking, and we're gonna keep on drinking until we each uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse by a trusted religious official. Oh, that's crazy talk. Oh, my God! Minister Washington, how could you?

Why? Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad.

What do you say? I don't know. Come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower. - But I like that guy. - Too late. (GRUNTING) My legs!

What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois?

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup.

Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. Stewie, shut up.

Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place.

Okay, see you later, Mom. Where are you off to, sweetie? You gonna go see three movies in a row so it seems like you're out doing something? No, Mom. I'm going to my first big high school Halloween party. That's nice. What are you dressed as? I'm a slutty cat. (SCOFFS) Why has that become what Halloween is for girls today?

Peter, stop it. For God's sake, you're embarrassing me. Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates. Do it again, Griffin.

and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh? Well, How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on. You'll be the stewardess, and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drillin' ya. ugh, Move! I have a lot of work to do. I can't. I'm stuck. Peter, the passengers need me. No, they ate. They're watching the movie. They're fine.

Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha!

(BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)

(GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert,

Hey, I've worked miracles befoRE.

or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without. Well, I... I love you, too, Stewie. You give my life purpose. And maybe that's enough.

- No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do? Just press the red button. Okay, which one's red? Press the big button!

MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. That is fantastic, terrific work. So no weaknesses at all? No... No. You, uh... You hesitated there. Is there something I should know? No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%.

For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents. There are plenty of things that are much worse for children than television. Like when Peter babysat for the neighbor's kid. All right, I couldn't find your toys, so why don't you just play with this blow dryer and these rattles?

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

New York can be pretty harsh, especially to outsiders. Hello, New York! (SCREECHING) Maybe you're right. I'll think about it. Anyway, can I have that back? It's my only copy. Your only copy? Yes. And thank you for being a good friend and telling me the truth, Brian. I know that was hard for you.

All right, look. When he comes back, I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on. (GUN COCKING) JEFF: Kind of like this? You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic.

(TOUCHTONES BEEPING) (RINGING) Lois, do you have any idea what I'm looking at right now? LOIS: Peter, we're not doing this again. I am at Harvard, the smartest school in the country, and they have... Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy. It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical! It's ridiculous! Pancakes are not a nighttime food.

Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going? Terrible.

Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad!

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS) Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this.

Oh! I did not see that coming!

All right, hang on. Here we go.

Learn to live with it, Bonnie! There are tracks! People make tracks! Boy, I hear you, too.

What are you, gay or something?

Who am I? Oh, yeah, the pizza man. (MIMICKING '80S PORN SOUNDTRACK) Ho-ho! Peter, can you pass the coffee? Sure, Brian the dog. Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING)

Luck let a gentleman see How nice a dame you can be (MUSIC STOPS PLAYING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

It says "Murray Hill 4185." That's not enough numbers! That's the number, Brian. Just dial 0 and read it to Sarah. Jesus Christ!

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian.

Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

Hey Lois, Come in here and see what I did with the money your dad gave me. Oh, my God!

But do the Huggies make my ass look big?

Nah! My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead. Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors. Plus, when's the next time you're gonna get to give a bride away? I know. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him. I'm sorry.

Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian?

Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Well, look, I don't know, maybe there's something we can do to help you drum up some business. You know, get the word out. Like what? Hey, you just leave that to us. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter. Oh, come on.

(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris!

Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell! " don't know about this, Doug. Just do it! Oh, good Lord! Is that.... Doody!

That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

I know I've said that before, a lot of times, and it's always blown up in my face. QUAGMIRE: Giggity. But this time it's different. I know it's gonna work.

Santa's got his work cut out for him. We ain't even gotten started yet.

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame

Uh, Thank you, Peter, that's enough. Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances! I've seen enough. How Inappropriate. I haven't had sex in 4 years. Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly- line worker, but you'll be happy to know, our company does not pay him to think.

Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!

Bye, unending conversation! Bye, terrible church people! Bye! My God, does everything have to have a mascot these days? I mean, look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil. I mean, who is that for?

Aah! Let's get out of here!

I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day.

(CHRIS SCREAMING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING)

My last beer. Here goes. I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell?

Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal. Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on. Okay.

Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick.

And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

Oh, no locks. Thank you, Homeland Security. Hey, bud, take a break. I'll take over. Go smoke a fatty. Thanks. MAN ON RADIO: This is Sierra Tango 817, Matthew McConaughey's private jet, requesting permission to land. Matthew McConaughey? Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817.

How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what he offered? I think the whole thing was very strange. He thought you were strange! How about that? Whatever. I just can't help but wonder.

Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs. Damn it! He's getting away!

Claire. No, I don't like that. What's yours? Harriet. No, it's gotta be two syllables. Peter! Cleveland! Joseph! Joseph! Quagmire! Wow, that's exotic. All right, why don't you come up and join me on the stage?

since it's our last night in here, can I have a glass of milk? I feel like having dream diarrhea. Last night? (SCOFFS) Where do you think y'all are going? Says here you got another 30 days on your sentence. What? But the court said we're supposed to go home tomorrow! Well, the court ain't here, is it?

Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something.

Montgomery Clift who was in From Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster, who was in Atlantic City with Susan Sarandon, who was in White Palace with Kevin Bacon. There. Nice, Nice. Except that was James Spader in White Palace. Moron. Ooh, Mr. Snippy.

Bonnie, we got a problem. What's the matter, Joe? I'll tell you while we're doing the diaper change.

and before I knew Vageena Hertz. MAN: Sorry. PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy! (WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs. Oh, good, a baby.

The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

I mean, how come men always feel like they can just use a woman? You know? Yeah. I mean, we have feelings. We're people. Right. It's like they all have the same mindset. It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah. And there's so much more to life than that. Twenty feet that way, please.

in the middle of the Atlantic,

Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! All right! That's enough! I-- I mean, will you all excuse me, please?

it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining.

No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund.

Oh, No, I learned my lesson. Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish! What are you talking about? He thinks if Chris is Jewish, he'll become smart.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air. Naked plastic chicks.

Wait, what are you doing? Santa? You can't leave now! Hey, wait, buddy, buddy, we've been in line for, like, two hours. Sorry. I'm done. You want your kid to sit on my lap, meet me at the bar at Applebee's. That sucks. Sorry, Stewie.

We must kung fu fight! So be it, A.N.N.A.

Don't you understand? Scotty needs help. And he'll get it. Through faith. That's right. We will heal him with the power of prayer. (STAMMERING) You can't just let them walk out of here! Oh, I think they'll be back. (JANGLING) Are those their keys? No, they're my keys.

Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you? Who cares? You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door, you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep. God, he's right. I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark.

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet,

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Peter, what's going on? I'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead. Yeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike. Boy, I had so much fun playing with that.

Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards! Peter! Hello, Nigel Pinchley here.

No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass? Yeah, come on over.

Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team. And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this. So... You guys like to party?

Well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Damn it! Wow. He poops every time he hears that joke. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. He does, doesn't he?

Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends "for spending $150,000 a week "in misappropriated welfare funds" play. I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football!

Well, at feast you 're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church to lea ve your self-delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money.

Yeah, you're probably ready to fight Vader. That boy was our last hope. No, there is another. I know. I have the Force, too, you know.

I'll probably just remain mayor of this great city. And I know this is real because you're not rabbit-people. What a day. You both did your civic duty and you saved Mayor West.

A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already.

Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay.

I've had the time of my life No, I never felt this way before Yes, I swear it's the truth And I owe it all to you

Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!

Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on?

(CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws. Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys!

Hi, we have a message for Jabba the... No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh. - Can we leave it with someone, because... - No, no. Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

There's just one thing I want you to do. TIN MAN AND SCARECROW: What's that? Talk me out of it. BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn! And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING)

Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise, we're all gonna be... (GUN COCKING) So it's all out in the open now, isn't it? Stewie, how long you been all messed up and evil like this?

Only if you think I'm a serial killer. - What? - Nothing. Attention, all hands. We're going to launch a massive air strike against Bertram and his army. Behold the armada. It's quite simple, actually. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons,

I know what everybody smells like. - Carl? - Cheetos. - Mort? - Pennies. - Derek? - Brut. - Joe? - Feces. - Consuela? - Pledge. - Seamus? - Wood. - Quagmire? - Wood. Wow.

No! It can't be!

He's a family guy

Yeah. I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it.

Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

Here it is, gang. Seared ahi tostadas, grilled asparagus, couscous, and for dessert, molten chocolate lava cake.

Oh, no, there's Quagmire. He's been so weird lately. You notice now that he's bald, whenever he thinks about something, he scratches his wrist? Hey, Quagmire, we got a pitcher. You want a beer? Eh, I don't think so. I was planning on looking at pictures of birds later, and I don't want to be all fuzzy-headed for that.

Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots!

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?

Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. And I'm sorry I have no talent. Aw, That's ok, kids. So I don't have my name on an amusement park. And maybe I'll never be famous. But I got 3 wonderful children and a wife that loves me.

Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker? Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here. Would admission of that allow that person to keep it? Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album. Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks!

Like this movie, Stimy Gruffin, The Untold Story. It's not a movie at all, Brian. Just three episodes, back to back. This thing is an insult. Well, that might be overstating things a little. It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, Fox should be... - Give you $1 for this. - Sold.

I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh!

Not tonight, I'm not!

Groggety! (SHRIEKS)

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.

Luke, time for dinner! In a minute, babe. I'm reading every high school newspaper in America to see if I'm mentioned.

No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons!

Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

I will take Drakkar Noir.

That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster. Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive

Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife.

(ROARING) (SOLDIERS CHEERING) Guys, guys, guys, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I think that was me.

Mr. Bieber, they're calling for an encore! Oh, my God, those kids are expecting a show. I'll handle this. (CROWD CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber.

I've been missing a man's touch, lo these many months. And I've been missing a woman's touch. Brian... Brian! It's me, Stewie! Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it! I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" And then when you did, I was like,

I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh-oh. You want to get some breakfast or something? You want to find religion, all you got to do is look in your heart. Who's always been there for you, offering wisdom and truth?

What We need is a picture for the front page. Hold on A sec. I got to rinse my retainer. I'm looking For something tasteful like the Malaysia spread in last month's Vanity Fair. That was so sweet. It was wicked awesomE. Stop the presses! It's Meg! I'm just joshing. It's all done on Xerox. What can I do you?

I don't know, Brian. You don't want to mess things up. Well, we'll find out tonight, won't we?

Ah! That breeze is gorgeous. And I think I smell croissants? Do you? You have an amazing sense of smell. - Oh, there it is. - There's what? Oh, nothing. Just the Goodyear Blimp. - It says, "I love you, Kate," all in lights. - (GASPS) Here? In Paris? Yeah, it's here for Wimbledon or something.

MAN: Could you say whole speech again in Spanish?

Brian, no. You had your chance. I mean, I thought you were my soul train, but you didn't want me. Soul mate. Soul food? I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Derek now. I see. And you really feel that way? Yeah.

Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where? To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming! Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, but I'm not driving you to the North Pole.

We now take you live to Peter Griffin Junior High where embattled School Board President Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life. BOo! Throw the bum out! Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at Dad. I am. I just came to see him twist in the wind. Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce? Oh, honey.

Oh, no, it's a girl. And I hate girls. PETER: But one day, Vageena went swimming too soon after eating a sandwich, and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late,

I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

So... Hintedy-hint-hint.

You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her.

What's going on down here? Uh, We're playing house. That boy is all tied up. Roman Polanski's house.

Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner. Really? All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it. Mm-uah.

PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass. Well, you look a lot better. I did it, Brian! Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk. I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive.

Wait till you try it after a meal. Delicious! And after sex? Forget about it. It's like putting your penis to sleep in a feather bed. I think I may want more cigarettes. I'll get you more cigarettes. But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike! Kids, I'm sorry to say this, but I think the two of you need to be punished. Look, it was an accident, okay? I mean, you can always buy another one, right? Buy another one?

Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING) (GRUNTING) (LOUD CRACK) My back. I can't move.

But I don't. God! I am so sick of this crap! Is this the show? You know what? The hell with both of you! I'm out of here! Are we doing this thing or what? Brian? Brian? Well, this was a lot of effort for nothing. Like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks.

I don't know, Brian. I mean, I guess I can give it a shot.

Looks like we got Imperial Cruisers on our tail. Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone, you are driving. (RADAR BEEPING) They're gaining on us. We'll be safe enough, once we make the jump to hyperspace.

You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. Oh, look out. Champagne.

Jeez, Lois. I spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing around. How about a little me time?

You guys, there's someone up ahead. Ben! Ben! Oh, my God, it's the Fishmans. They look terrible. Have you seen Ben? We lost him in the storm. We're headed back up to find him. I just hope he's not trapped in some crevice somewhere.

Ah, the bloodiest. The two kids who found it were forced to murder each other. Oh, Peter, I love it! Hey, you want to watch a DVD of the murder while we do it? I already watched it eight times, so I know exactly which part I want to blam at.

So have a Merry Christmas and...

- Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Peter, what are you doing? It's getting very tense in here. Do you guys mind if I struggle to open these blinds?

You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce.

It's your turn, Death.

Just submit. I am submitting! It's getting worse! No, I mean really submit. Okay, okay! Oh, my God, I meant say you're sorry, not take off your pants. Carter, what are you doing? Oh, my God! And now that I've made you aware of the misunderstanding, you're still continuing with it. Oh, my God! And I'm still watching. What's wrong with me?

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes.

Well, I'm living life before the cancer I have kills me, so I don't mind the rain. Water feels good on my skin. It's cool, refreshing, and it's a great way to stay in shape. What kind of cancer? It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Start walkin'! Ha! That's my dad!

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah!

It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do?

Wow, Then it's true. Cool! I get to be black and Irish! Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt! Oh, I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man! Oh, My God! Update! "Exclam"! Scott Martin just asked me out again! Oh, My God! This is date number 3.

New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh." Peter! Are you all right? Where's your father? Still at the factory.

One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store.

HERBERT: Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never!

It's time for you to leave. I can change. I can change. I'm sorry, Peter. We're done. We can never talk again. Here's a cell phone so we can always talk.

Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Like sweet Mickey Rourke and his gorgeous right-wing scars Chuck Norris is one And he's got a right-wing beard Jon Voight is another He's just right-wing weird His daughter's pretty hot, though. At one time, Brian. At one time. But how about global warming?

(Lois) Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you!

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again. He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check.

Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long-- There's a dog turd in here. Oh--oh, Lois. What? Jump! No, wait! I'll deal with them myself.

undefinedWhat are you doing here? " got roped into this by Peter.

Well, we have to stop him! Yes. Unfortunately, Bertram took the return pad with him, so we'll only get one shot at this. (BUTTONS BEEPING) Ah! Here it is. Now, we'll have to travel back in time to a point shortly before Bertram's arrival. Get ready, Brian. (BEEPS)

Humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it. Did he? Yeah. And now every time you're sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.

Thank God, we're finally here. That plane ride took forever.

Very well then, I order you to kill me at once!

Uh, Damn it! Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there?

Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

So I turned to Lois and I says, "You want to get an abortion here? "You want to get an abortion with the abortionist having a stump hand?" And she says, "An abortion here? "Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. "How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand. "We can't get an abortion here." So we turned around and went home and two-and-a-half months later,

MAN: We're trying! We're running out of letters! Just turn the "M's" upside down and send them down here! MAN: You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can... I don't care! I'll take the heat! Just turn them over and send them down! Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?

Oh, God, kill me now. Hello? Karen! All right Meg, I'm gonna need you to boil some water. And girls, I'm gonna need towels, lots of them! Ok, let's go! Aw jEEz, i'm--I'm sorry, Meg's friends.

(GROWLING) (ROARING) (GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God!

you get stabbed in the butt. All right, Bradley, here's your question. What is the atomic weight of nitrogen? Get him, guys! Stab him in the butt! Okay, bye, you guys. I'm leaving now.

What is this? Are these jokes? Do people in other castles think this is funny? Well, yeah. We get a pretty sizeable chunk of princes 18 to 34. I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo. Are you sure you want to delete this program? Yes. Bring me my mid-season replacement fool! Hi there.

Did... Did you write this? Well, I can't take all the credit. I've been listening to you talk in your sleep for years. So, I just put your thoughts on paper. That's all. Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thanks, evil... Thanks, Monkey. I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in.

I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor. I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived.

Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere

I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

(Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation.

Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs. Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers? I don't use makeup, Meg.

- We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic.

Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV? (ROBOT SPEAKING) Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here,

(SOBBING) It's just so horrible. I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right. Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie.

Hi, honey. How was school? Just great. I can't even say my name without people asking me if I made it up. How could Dad do this to me? Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He--He was doing it for you. He knows how much you want to go to Brown. There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. Now, that's not true.

Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough!

my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion. I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here?

(UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing?

Who's with me? Well, I'm with you.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you brought our family to the edge of the abyss, and at the very last minute, you saved us all. I love you, honey. And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.

They charge me 90 bucks a day to keep Brian here. For 60 bucks, I could put him up at the Holiday Inn.

Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland! Y-You can't just ignore those years.

It was more boring than when I was a security guard for George Harrison.

Ooh! This looks like fun! It says I have cancer. We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg. Hey, Stewie, you better come down. The party's about to start.

She just black out or is there a chance she might have a seizure? I don't know. Okay. I thought you guys were married. MAN ON RADIO: All units, we've got a possible homicide at Number One, Mayor's Mansion lane. My God. That's the mayor's mansion. Thank God he's finally gone. Here's your drugs, Peter.

Logan, let's go! I can't. I, uh... I just can'T. What's with you, logan? You look like hell. Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants. I don't want to meet the man who looks good after that.

Or a rose that shows that you're a classy fellow With the posh panache of Jefferson at Monticello Busting out a mile with style

Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium. Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down.

That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me.

While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000. WEST: Take a letter. Hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department. If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms.

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

(BREATHING NOISILY) Brian, have you seen... Whoa, what the hell happened to you? (MUFFLED TALKING) Easy, easy, man, easy. (GASPING) What the hell is your problem? Me? What did I do? You're the one going all Michael Hutchence over here.

Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian. Yeah. If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you.

Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win? Another beer! Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here.

(LAUGHING) You're all wet.

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

Look, I honestly don't know what's going on here.

He's a family guy Go, Dust Mites! I wish they'd put Chris in already. Peter, relax. It's his first game.

She's killed three people in the ring. BRIAN: Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian. I know why you're retiring, Griffin!

This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow. They have tennis courts! And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs! Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. Oh, I see.

What the hell? It took you three hours to break up with her? - Not exactly. - Well, what were you doing in there? (SNIFFS) What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame. Yup.

Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out. Well, we can't stay here. We'll have to get Mort to England. It's the only place he'll be safe from the Nazis. Oh, they're awful, those Nazis. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples. What?

That's right, Dad. You never ask. And even if you did, you never listen! And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you! Well... Well, I hate you, too!

Coming up, our horribly outdated scams reporter, Ken Redowski, gets angry about a product you don't care about. Digital bathroom scales! Thanks, Ken. This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School.

But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker. " could be a ditch digger? A motel maid? I could be a hooker? Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker. Wow, Mr. Griffin! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything. Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money. "0, Captain! my Captain!"

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not.

(TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Oh! I wonder who that could be. Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it.

Really? If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet. We were sailing along

Hey, when we get out of here, maybe you can show me around your home planet of Alderaan. Aww... Too soon? Hey, it could be worse. (MECHANICAL ECHOING) It's worse. The walls are closing. (ALL SCREAMING) LOIS: Oh, my God!

That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested.

We should probably note that that is not a photo of Charles Yamamoto.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynecologist.

"I am not a crook!" Look, I mean it! All of you. Oh, God! Where's Stewie?

We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate Can I see that pamphlet, siR? Oh. My God, this house is freakin' sweet I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch

Hey, hey, good times just walked in. (ALL GREETING) MAN: Oh, hey, he can't be in here. He's not 21. All right, just hang out here for a little bit, huh? All right, see you later, gang. Chris, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at camp. What am I paying for?

Tonight the baby-sitter comes, Rupert.

"I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans "for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim." Ugh! Ugh!

Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you. Oh! Crap, Peter, it's a flash flood! Oh, man, I better save my autographed picture of Dean Cain. You know, from before he got all desperate for attention.

Would he win in a fight with Batman? Well, Chris, think about what you're saying. Parker Lewis can't lose. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that. Suck on that? Suck on this. Tic Tacs have only one-and-a-half calories. Well played. I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.

I don't know. A tie. I don't know if he would want one of those. I think he's got enough ties. I think he might... (NORMAL VOICE) Chris, I don't want a tie! Pick something else! Chris, this is Barbara, the girl from your class you used to have a crush on. Now, you kids enjoy yourselves, and I'll create some atmosphere.

Uh, h-Hey, Joe, ha! How's it going? Pretty good. You were, uh, doing A little swerving back there. Uh, yeah, Yeah well, you know, m-me and the boys were just-- Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian. You're under arrest. Oh, Come on! Move it. Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it.

I'm sick of coming in 2nd to that awful Alexis Radcliffe. Every year she wins and rubs it in my face. Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year. Congratulations on 2nd place, Lois.

Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink. Oh, cool. Two spots opened up. (STAMMERING) You go ahead. I can wait. I might wait for a stall. Oh, come on, Peter. We're missing the game. Hey. Hi. Hey.

I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back. I'm sorry, Lois. I was a fool. I'm done with Kathy. Can you ever forgive me? (CRYING) Peter, settle down. Yes, I forgive you.

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone! All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish. Well, I got to eat. And I got to have fun.

In my office. Now.

Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry. Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it.

Lois! Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end. I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer. Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway.

Love lift us up where we belong where the eagles fly on A mountain high

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02 All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.

Wait here at the gate. I gotta run a quick errand. Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong,

Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger! (Chris) What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople?

I see. Um... Maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. I, uh... I, uh... I have seen a lot of medical shows. You see, the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on a duct.

This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours, right here on the midnight shift.

Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it.

What the hell? Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? The box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome. Yeah, but you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the third one? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending three movies walking there?

Well, Peter, this has been an amazing week. You and I own a restaurant. Can you believe it? I know. I feel like I'm dreaming. Wait. Maybe I am dreaming. That means I can do whatever I want without consequences. What are you doing? I just adopted 30 puppies.

Did you hear that? Guys, I think we just found our new lead singer. Awesome! I'm gonna be a famous music star, like Muddy Waters! Muddy? Baby? Everything all right in there? MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS)

Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock? Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock was here? Well, they're dead.

Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.

Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats. Hey--Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather,

We can't go to Virginia, Peter. Bonnie and Lois planned that couples' weekend to Maine. We're supposed to leave in the morning. Yeah, Peter, we've looked long enough.

(SNIFFS) (SIGHS) (GASPING) Stewie? What the hell are you doing here? Are you kidding? I couldn't miss watching you crash and burn in this misguided attempt to finish college. Look, you're not staying. I'm gonna call Lois and have her pick you up right now.

But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.

Oh, God! What am I going to do?

Damn! Laura! Laura! Laura!

Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

If you've been so stiff they thought you died You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify Oh, yeah I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.

You think you can just commit murder and get away with it?

Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally. Get Lois on the phone, have her wire us some money, and let's get the hell out of here. Oh! Uh-oh.

(MONSTER SNARLING)

Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run! Joe? It's Peter. Two things.

Kind of, yeah. Well, guess what, that's my back. Hook up with me! Come on! We can make this work. Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird. I can't be your boyfriend. In fact, I don't even think I can be your friend.

What? (LAUGHING CRAZILY) (BABBLING)

I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do? Just press the red button. Okay, which one's red? Press the big button!

What's going on here? Oh, We invited Neil's family over for dinner.

No! She'd ruin it! Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw. Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Ah, there you are, boys. Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

(CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

Ollie? I saw a fish!

But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time. (WHISTLING)

Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beatin' her, and then he's gonna beat the kid, too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fecalman. You know, I was thinking... Wait, what? What? That's his name? - Yeah. - Huh-larious. But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl,

I bet her mama never told her why

Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together. Oh, Yes. Very well. All right.

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine!

Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night? All right, tonight's selection, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Now let's all sit down and take our headache.

Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas.

Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. Peter, you're still you. No piece of paper from the city is gonna tell me... you're any different from the man I married. And your life's not gonna change because of it. What is that?

Good morning, Joe. Uh, PetEr, What are you doing in my pool? Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The."

Victor Garber? That's pretty good. How did he get Victor... Oh, of course. Tonight it's Randall Evan Battincourt. God, I hate understudies. King Louis XVI has been sentenced to death by guillotine. (CHEERING) The part of King Louis XVI will be played by Jean De Menard. CROWD: Aw.

Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

I'd like those things for us, Chris. What are you doing? I'm digging a hole. Why? 'Cause I like to sleep on my side. Our top story.

But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin. Francis.

Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

Huh! I'm kind of good at this. (GROANS) Later, dink! (GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING)

Good evening, everyone. (GASPS) James Woods! (SNARLS) Thank you for joining me at my humble manor. I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla.

That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag.

You've got The AIDS That guy's gonna feel so much better after we do what we got planned.

but that's a part of it, but it's not the whole thing. (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine!

How did you know? well, You're saying it out loud. I could hear you in the other room. Y0u know, The weird thing is, kissing Sam kind of felt right. But I don't know if I can face him again. Brian, what should I do? I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out! How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

(LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing!

(MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)

Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!

That was some speech, Dad. Yeah. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it. Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail!

Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. Aren't you handsome? From now on, I plan on being a real father to Dylan, and together, we are gonna turn his life around. Right, champ? You said it, Dad. - All right! You ready for school? - Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding.

W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs!

What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I?

Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

Why'd he order a ginger ale? And who the hell doesn't look at jugs? Yeah, and he's got his cell phone clipped to his belt like he's some kind of big shot on vacation. Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are uncomfortable with Mahmoud because he's Muslim. What? What are you talking about? This is your post-9/11 racism talking.

So, I, Peter Griffin, will be playing one free round of golf tomorrow with the one and only O.J. Simpson. What? Peter, you can't play golf with O.J. Simpson. He's a murderer. You sound just like Lois. No, no, Joe. I don't believe you. Yeah? Well, say that after a soul-searching walk around town to Dust in the Wind.

I taste lipstick. Am I wearing lipstick? Not anymore. You know, I am a huge Snuggly Jeff fan. I've read all the books. Great. Hey, can you hand me my cell phone? I gotta call my agent. She's probably worried sick about me. It was destroyed in the accident. Well, can I use yours? No reception up here. - Regular phone? - Lines are down. - Pay phone? - Road's closed. E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam.

DISPATCHER: Attention, patrol cars, we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center. Is anyone in the area? Wait a minute. That's where Peter's AA meeting is. This is Officer Swanson. I'm on it. (TIRES SCREECHING)

How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities. " can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three.

And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy? Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here! Why? I didn't even do anything!

LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend.

Peter, if you cried, we are done.

Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy. The nurse says Brian won't be out of surgery for another three hours.

Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

He's old enough to make his own decisions. For God's sakes, Lois, he's one. Cut the umbilical cord! Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am here today to talk to you about smoking. Oh, Please, Peter, do the right thing. I know a lot of you are already on my side.

So, what brings you here?

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me! He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine.

What are we looking for, Joe?

And they'll tell you real sweet With a musical tweet It's a wonderful day for pie - For pie - For pie For pie For pie For pie This is wonderful, Brian. Oh, let's live in this universe.

Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

He's a family guy oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh,

You can call me Mystique. Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it. I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free!

Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too. CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready. You in or out?

What do you think? I got this for doing that car dealership ad. All right, enough messing around. Let's play this game. Let's play some football.

Well, define "Chris." Peter, he's really upset right now.

Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again! Oh. Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right? I mean, i-I'm just trying to understand the rules Here. If I see you again, I'll kill you. Ok, that's much clearer.

They're gonna kill Meg! Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body. Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. If we angle it through the vent, we might be able to alert the authorities. Oh, my God! We're gonna drown! We'll be fine. Here, put these on. Peter, these are parachutes.

Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh.

but you're just not right for this competition. Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man, that was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie?

Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me? Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name. Right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener. Carlos Spicy Wiener here. Go ahead. There's a meteorite that hit the ground near here.

and find a nice quiet field to do long division in? I mean, a nice quiet field in which to do long division. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. Okay, I'm on my way. He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous. I can't believe I actually touched him. I still can't believe it's not butter.

(ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say? But there's a trap door right under your feet! There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking!

What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building. This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have, my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down.

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot. You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust. QUAGMIRE: That bastard! That was my idea! He stole it! I was gonna do that to my penis!

Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and look at something. Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something. PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh! What a very interesting thing.

Hey, Lois, look at me, I got post-partum depression! (MOCK CRYING) I'm sad about stuff!

WeLl, Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell? Actually, we are tired. And hungry. Well, We got plenty of room here, and all the fresh apples you can eat. Oh, Peter! We found a new home! What are you talking about? We're going to Natick! For what? A Twinkee factory that might not even exist anymore?

Oh, oh, thank yOu! Thank you! thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of. You and your partner will start first thing tomorrow after school.

and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged. That's how this weekend came to pass. Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker,

Brian, you think that's our Jesus? (PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking.

Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought you were a regular person.

Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA. Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

I'm gonna hurt something you love. (GRUNTING) (COUGHS) You happy now? Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once, you're going to stay here and help around the house.

Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving?

And shoulder guy's going with you. Rick, shut up! Hey, bitch, wanna suck on my tooth?

A woman of that caliber should be married to a king.

I'm going to feel the way I do today because you make me feel so young Excuse me?

Yeah, that happened, like, 12 years ago. But I just watched Tommy Boy yesterday. He was right there. Yeah, that's a movie. It's shot beforehand. It's not happening right now. Really? But I thought my knocking on the TV glass distracted him, and that's what made him fall down that hill. (CHUCKLING) Seeing him fall down that hill put me in a good humor. Stewie, get lost. What are you doing just standing out here?

Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles. That's what I do when I take my dad's car out. Are you 16? I will be next September. Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence.

Whichever hetides you Life becomes a chore Unless you 're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to f ha ve James Woods

So? So, every good mother knows when it's time for her babies to leave the nest. Hey, They're free to go anytime they want! Ahh! Fine. I'll let them go.

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

I wish I'd known that then. You see, life after Halloween 4 wasn't exactly smooth sailing. Once I stepped out from behind that mask, Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder.

Now shoot! So, we're terribly sorry we broke into your home, But we just had to get Stewie back somehow. well, That's a very long story. But we've grown attached to little Stewie. Plus, the law's on our side. Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE.

All right. Have fun, Chris. Hey, Petey! Quagmire? What are you doing here? oh, you know, Soccer moms! All right. I'd like to hang around with you. But Lois needs me at home. I got bEER. Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

I can convince them to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do. Thank you. I really appreciate it. What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois. She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving.

Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell?

(MOANING EXCITEDLY) Oh, no! I think I hear my husband. Honey, I'm home. What the hell is this? (SHOUTING) Who's he? Thank God you're home, honey. He tried to rape me. Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

(LAUGHING) That's something. All right, so what do you say? You want to go see the Emperor? I don't know. Can we have tacos? No, Friday is taco night. Oh, darn. (GASPS) But today is Friday! Yep!

Ahhh! So, Jeff, do you like loud sentences? I guess. I gotta take a whiz. All right, look. When he comes back, I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on. (GUN COCKING) JEFF: Kind of like this? You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic.

Y-y-You're gonna have a tough time finding a... Oh, Hold on. Ya! Ya!

So, how long have you been a member of the Rhode Island Society for Special Literary Excellence? Oh, no. I'm not a member. I'm their chaperone. Chaperone? Yeah. Uh-huh. We're in that section right over there. Hey! There he is! It's Brian Griffin! Damn it, Randy. You just spilled my juice box.

All right, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies, it's that the ex-wife always falls in love with her husband again after he befriends a little kid. Okay. And the kid needs to be really cute, so I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. (DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you!

Oh, Brian, you don't have to give me anything. Oh. Well, give it back, then. (LAUGHING) No. No, we have fun.

Hey, Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, huh? No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

Oh, God! I forfeiT! Well, That's it, folks. it looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers and is once again undefeated. Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? I told you never to show your face here again!

Oh, Sorry, we're out of towels. Uh, Let me get that for you, sir.

Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Uh, yes, I'd like to buy some alcohol, please. Okay, can I see your ID? I don't have one. You don't? No, it's me, Chris. Oh, hey, Chris. Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol? No. Oh, okay.

Peter, watch the road!

(SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you. You're my sister. I know. Somehow, I've always known. You have? Did you know when you kissed me on Hoth? Yeah. Well, that's pretty weird!

Yeah, This is gonna be even more exciting than when Brian taught me about Christopher Columbus. Where we going, Brian? Well, Peter, We're going to visit the year 1492. That's when Columbus set sail on his voyage to the New World. We're on a ship! That's right, This is the Santa Maria. One of 3 ships he took to find a route to India. Any sign of IndiA yet? Nothing yet, Captain. India? I thought he was going to America.

Hi, honey. What? I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was. Yeah. You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance and all the nice things you said.

Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones.

But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right. ahh!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna miss you guys so much. Don't forget to call and let me know exactly when you'll be back. Get out.

I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell?

(READING) Well, that's a no-brainer. Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING)

You know, there's something I.... There's something I gotta tell you. Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York... it' s Sa turda y Nigh t!

I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian.

and get some astringent to get rid of that thing. What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood. Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch and our first group date. ls everyone ready for a little cowboy action?

Hey, are you Tanya? Yeah. Who are you? A guy who's looking for Bobby Briggs. Where is he? I don't know any Bobby Briggs. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. You're lying! Joe, let me handle this. I know how to communicate with strippers. All I need is one dance, and I'll know everything she knows.

You're breaking the 4th wall! Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place. Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit! Hmm. Look, This isn't necessarily a bad thing. We can't do the show without Meg. Why not?

You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you?

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here?

"Dear Red, if you've come this far, "maybe you're willing to go a little further.

And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here!

My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect!

Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper! You look silly. Why? You wear a diaper. Yes, but I'm a baby. People see my diaper, and they say, "Oh, how cute! I bet he smells like baby powder." They see your diaper and think, "Ew, that dog is sick. He must be dying. "I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. "Why don't they just put him to sleep?" You know, at this point, I'd probably welcome that.

I'm in. Holy crap, there's another door. What do we do now? FEMALE VOICE: Welcome to the vault. Voice identification, please.

I could put you in the storage freezer. That'll work. Nurse, I've got a splinter. Just come out whenever you're done. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Oh, God! I... I think I feel them moving.

And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship,

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

M-i-t-e-s! M-i-T-E-S! What does that spell? Dust Mites! Who's gonna win this game? Dust Mites! My God, what? What just happened to me? It's those sirens. They have us all completely under their spell like that hypnotist at the Airport Hilton.

Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna,

Goodbye Say goodbye to manhood Goodbye Say goodbye to babies Say goodbye to kids like Meg Vacuum out your sac Lois, I know how to settle our vasectomy dispute. A no-rules funny car race from here to Boston.

Chris! Chris! Stop this travesty right now! So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

(MOCKING) You're married to a retarded man. (BREATHING HEAVILY) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) What is it? Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me? Hey, you want a sugar cube, horsey? Oh! God, Brian, don't. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Ah! Is that right? Well, then it all makes sense. Yamamoto wanted it to look like you broke out on your own. That way, when he murdered Chris, it was a cinch that you would take the blame. Well, Patrick, I guess we all owe you an apology. Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened?

You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby."

Hey, you know what I find hilarious? Bothans. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. (INHALES SHARPLY) Ooh! Admiral Ackbar, if you will? It's a trap! (LAUGHS) Just kidding. We'll get there later. So, let's pretty much just attack like we did last time.

Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill. Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there? That's right. Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities. " can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three.

Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time? Yeah, no, I'm havin' a good time. Uh, Hey, what's going on? Uh, you're, uh, Listen, you're 17 now, right? Um, uh, I was-- I was just throwing it out there.

Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right?

What you did to these kids... There is a special place in hell for people like you. Come on, let's go home. STEWIE: Man, when she gets to jail, she's gonna be major lez-chow. BRIAN: She sure is, Stewie. She sure is.

I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys. You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back. I'll never forget that. Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work. (MUSIC FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PLAYING)

Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup.

You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian. Tell me why Sorry, that was the booze, not you.

so, Peter, Did you find a replacement for the team? No. Believe me, I've been looking. Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team. But he wishes to know what compensation you offer. Uh. Me love you long time. Gosh, I'd like to help, peter. But I've gotta go out in the hall and chew on my ass for 5 minutes.

(PHONE RINGS) Don't answer that. I gave out that number under duress. Lois, Peter's show is on the local public access channel. Anyone can have one. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.

In fact, you ought to go see his show at the Mohegan Sun casino next Saturday at 3:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. Wait a second. - Yeah, no shit. - What? Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan. That's Rich Little. You're Rich Little! He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days.

The value is only gonna go up. Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it... (CHOKING) I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location. 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown. (CHOKING) There's nothing to do downtown.

Boy, you got here just in time. No! Right! Go! Go, go, go.

and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of. Well, I am gonna change. You hear me, Meg?

Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open? And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away.

Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend. What.... You.... Girlfriend? What kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at? Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.

MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1. Weenie and the Butt.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Can I get my check now? Oh, Kids. Look at that man over there! Grabbing his own crotch! Oh! So alive, this city! Look, there's Central Park! There's the Empire State Building! There's a hot-dog cart! Chris, don't spoil your appetite. New York has some of the best restaurants in the world.

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.

because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up.

and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?

Well, now what? - You want to play 20 questions? - Sure.

I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m. Huh. I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys. It's also about just being there for the people you love. Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.

It was my job to keep the children from eating each other. Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy! Over the next several months, I developed a relationship with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek.

Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm. Remember how they only needed little girls? Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois. You're not telling anybody, friend. No, no, you're gonna be my on-set guardian. You're out of your mind. Brian, we both know I touched it. Now if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers.

Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor? Well, now you can. With Jeez-Its. Flesh of his flesh. With the amazing flavor of real Wisconsin cheddar. Jeez-Its, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good." But don't take my word for it.

And after what I went through with Diane Simmons, well, let me just say it's nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me. Yeah, no, you're fine.

You'll probably just slice a couple of bananas in here and chow down, huh, porky?

Everybody ready to go? All set, Peter. Good.

I love you. Fuck off.

(GROANING) Why do you keep these things together? All right. Who wants to buy some Peterotica? 10 bucks a pop. I'll take one. Me, too. Hey, give me one of those. I look forward to having a raging semi. Wow, Peter. You're going into the publishing business?

Don't move, Catherine Deneuve! Freezerino, Paul Sorvino! What are you doing, Mr. Swanson? I'm trying out some cop entrances. We all have to come in with three new ones on Monday. What can I do for you, Meg? Oh. Well, I'm here to help you out while Bonnie's gone. Oh, great.

Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on-- CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.

Hi! What are you doing here? What am I doing here?

(GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING) Peter, it's okay. It's not okay. You don't know what it's like. You're wrong. I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts. He... He did it to you, too?

Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed!

Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello. You and I are going on a date Saturday night. Um... Okay. I'll see you then. Why would she go out with me?

Ugh. Bonnie's making wallets now. Look, she's gonna ask you guys to buy one. I'll just give you the money. Just don't throw it out within five miles of where we live. (VELCRO RIPS) Hey, why do you have a Harvard dining hall I.D.? I pulled over some punk Harvard kid who gave me a bunch of lip, so I took his I.D. Man, I bet they got fancy food up there at Harvard.

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick? Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it.

I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going.

Look, Meg, we're just worried about you. Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up.

But you can't force the spark back into our marriage. Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

In your imagination, I've got long eyelashes.

We go to bed at different times.

Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side.

(GRUNTS) Ah! (GAGS) Ah! Ow! Ow! Yeah, that's right, "Ow." Now, you swallow that. Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted. - I said swallow it! - (GULPS) Now, smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open.

awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin!

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes.

Oh, Rupert, touche! Hoisted by my own petard. I am so alone.

Any word on Carter's condition yet? No, it's been three days, and I'm really starting to get worried. What if he's in a coma for, like, 20 years and he comes out of the coma and you guys are all dead, but I'm still alive and I'm a famous racecar driver, and he's like, "Oh, man, Stewie turned out awesome!" And he comes to one of my races, and I'm so surprised to see him there, I crash,

in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now. Oh, my God!

Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh.

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.

That's why, if I'm elected, I promise to fight for competent teachers, a better-funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead".

Karen Black. What an obscure referencE! Hey, What the hell? I told you to waste those Kids from Dawson's Creek. You're missing the most important thing here. You said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply. And, Now the whole world does. YEAH, I guess so. You know, My ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get outta your hair. Oh, But you just got here!

(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist.

Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain?

This is why Boxbuster went out of business.

Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.

ah, It's so nice to be home. You have 113 new messages. Oh, my!

Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God! Oh, man, I am screwed! I'm gonna lose my house, and my boat, and everything. How am I gonna come up with $50,000 by tomorrow? well, You could whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50 apiece.

Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh!

And, I think it's 'cause he's not spending enough time with you. It's time that you take an interest in your son. Starting today, I want you to spend more time with Stewie. Okay. You can make a box fort. See? Here's a box. You can pretend it's a fort. Actually, that sounds like fun. I want this. I'm king in here.

I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat. Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!

I'll come back for you, Lois. And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to. Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter?

Look at her dancing Just take it off Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Meet Jake, my boyfriend. I want some BB's. My dad lets me shoot at cats. Hi, Meg. Neil and I are celebrating our two-week anniversary. It seems like only yesterday... he was just a stranger videotaping me through the window. Big deal. He did that to me three years ago. And he gave me the tapes for Christmas.

Yeah, okay, fine, let's kill 'em. Really? No way. No, I was only half serious. We can't do that. Oh, my God... Pink Brian is crazy Brian. Oh, man. I know, I know we can't. I just feel bad they stole your candy. Well, now I know how Peter feels when Mort steals his paper.

I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God. Peter, he heard us call him stupid. His own parents. What have we done? Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth. Especially from a fortune cookie. What does it say, Peter?

We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess--

And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

Ooh it up A party get on the flooR

(HANGS UP) (GASPS) It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker.

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID."

Try it again. Not talking to myself. You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata. Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing. I got the mu... Oh, my God!

Look, I don't know what's going on here, but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe. (GASPING) What? Oh, my God. Good Lord!

No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down. Jeez, Brian, buckle up. Hey, What do you say, Dad?

Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston. Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey. Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins.

Take it outside, lady.

Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum

You needed me (SNIFFLES) Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing.

Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple? All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry.

It was awfully nice of our new neighbors to invite us over for dinner. I don't know, Lois. Going to Cleveland's house with someone else living there just seems weird. Like when a new pope moves into the Vatican. Hi, I don't know who to complain to about this,

Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! My dog is dead! Maybe that's why he was tied up.

(PEOPLE MURMURING) I'm such a huge fan of Peterotica.

Wait a second, Lois. I want to go back to what you said about my patter singing.

It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear. There it is again! TIPPER: It's probably just wind, honey. It's not the wind! And this is our Fox News daycare center. Where are all the kids? Sorry, a lot of the children aren't here today because their parents have the day off for Martin Luther King day. Isn't that in January?

He can't hear me. Jesse! Jesse!

I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.

It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. Monkey in the closet. This is gonna be great. the Last time I did any male bonding was when me and Cleveland went to Chinatown.

'cause I want your name to be Dick Weiner. Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf-Weiner? Oh, my God, yes. Yes. Yes. Okay, Bravo people, go find women fighting. No, you know what, just find women. They'll end up fighting. All right, everyone who's left, make a talent show. We are done. Oh. Kelsey Grammer, what are you still doing here?

He was the first black Guy I ever did it with. Oh, boy. But, pff, I went everywhere! Don't be depressed, Dad. Here. I made you a present. My God! It's... good. Really good. It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris.

Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.

We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Well, It just makes me sad. Hey, It makes me sad, too. But, uh, you know. I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all. I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I guess it's-- it's up to us, as parents,

Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer.

Mayor West, what do you plan to do if you win the lottery? Well, I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four-piece suits. I'd like to join your country club. I assume that won't be a problem. And what about you, sir?

Oh, Damn! I say, I seem to have sewn a shoe to my hand, may I go to the nurse? Replace him! Faster!

I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix.

Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

Hi, Chris. How was school? Not good. I got suspended for saying bad words. For God's sake! My principal wants to meet with you guys. Should we go? It sounds like a trap. Yes, Peter, we should go.

In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.

Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight,

Burping time. Oh, smells like someone needs to be changed. When was the last time you were changed? Seven days ago? That's one week. There are seven days in a week. I love you, filthy hobo.

Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship. Hey, guys, what's going on?

You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem.

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you.

a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis.

Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River. That's right, Joyce. Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country,

Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Ooh!

Hey, what... What are you doing? Get down there. Where's your midget? Sorry, boss. Had to pee. Come on, you. Guess he's got a small bladder. (LAUGHING) Little tiny guy. Gotta go all the time. (CHUCKLING) Even though he's got to race, he couldn't hold it. Mmm-hmm.

I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be...

And I think I got it.

Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe. i just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner at Cheesie Charlie's. Why Cheesie Charlie's? It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time!

- Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

and the fact of your firm young body commingling with... withered flesh,

Well, she--She probably wouldn't have wanted to see me anyway. That's not true! Biscuit loved all her puppies! Biscuit! Brian, your mama gave you up because she thought you'd have a better life if she let you go. Was she right, son? Do you have a good life? Yeah. I--I really do. I have a great life.

Well, kids, just when I thought we'd never find an assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground. He's got a clown costume in his trunk, so we know he's good with kids, and pictures of boys in their underwear, so he's probably had some medical training. Well, I'm gonna take off while he fits you for cups in that windowless supply shed. See you.

You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo."

Face it, Peter. It's over.

- You write your own lyrics? - Yeah.

I'll handle this. (CROWD CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber. People see us everywhere

Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack!

I just stuffed everything back into place. Uh, you know, Charmese, I don't really think I'm in the mood. What? You're never in the mood. We've been married two weeks, and we haven't done it since that first night. I haven't gone two weeks without sex since I was in a coma for six weeks.

who fought each other in the Civil War. - I'm seceding. - Like hell you are. Not too smart, huh? Yeah, did not think that one through. Peter, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people...

But we can still have a great Christmas. Ah, jeez, Kids, You know, I was this close to losing it. But your mom's right. Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels.

Like that ground-control guy during the moon landing. NEIL: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. MAN: Roger that, Neil. NEIL: We came in peace for all the peoples of the Earth. MAN: We read you, Neil. NEIL: We chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

Everyone's gonna make fun of me!

Most of the time, the kids'll exercise out in the field. But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball. I love dodge ball! Heads up!

I was thinking I could be your wedding singer. - That's a great idea, Peter! - Sweet! And I promise you'll be able to understand all the words, not like Sting where you can only understand the last three. (GARBLED SINGING) ...up a brand new day

Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs?

I don't know what else... Wait. Wait. (CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No! No! (SCREAMING)

lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel.

(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING)

Peter, we can't afford this. No, but Mel Gibson can.

We as American adults with free will have the right to use marijuana if we choose to! Enough government profiteering under the guise of morality! Enough with this phony war on drugs!

So, how's the weaning going? Oh, it's horrible. Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home. I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you. Oh, My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself.

Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois, but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't.

Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar. Our forefathers wouldn't have taken it on the chin like this. You're damn right. I say we fight the British and drive them back to whatever country they came from!

Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING)

(CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

I like Chris. What? Oh, for God's sake. I have a shoe appointment in the morning, and I want to be fresh! Yeah, the person I'm attracted to is your brother. Brother? Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone.

Well, okay, uh, for one thing, they always land on their feet.

Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy.

Get out! This is a part just for the men!

But i--I just think you need to find yourself a new director. Are you sure? I just can't do this. Come on, Is this any more degrading than washing cars? At least here you can be creative. Look, i--I want to make this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this.

Brian, come here. I want you to hear my presidential address for St. Rupert's Day. I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed. Screw off. I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws. Just take a look, will you? (SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely. I mean, look at this.

Hey, Kevin, can I see your Purple Heart? 'Cause I never actually seen one. One time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, but looking back, I'm not so sure that that was really a military thing. Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal. You know what I did with it? I threw it back over the White House fence. Wait a minute. I thought you said you flew straight home from Kuwait after you woke from your coma.

Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you.

Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye. Shall we?

All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay? (PANTS)

(CARTER GIGGLING) Carter, knock it off! CARTER: Come on. You know you Jew girls want that dollar. Follow the dollar and it'll lead you to... What do Jews like? Salmon! There's salmon over here. Is there really salmon over there? No. You walk over there and he squirts you with a squirt gun. (LAUGHING)

Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean.

If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase, I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war?

You haven't heard? Heard what?

I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this.

Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

He's trying to get over the border! You think so? Definitely. There's only one road into Juarez, and it goes through El Paso. We got to get to El Paso. Joe, how do you know the area code for Juarez, Mexico? There was a stem cell doctor I went down there to see. He just rubbed, like, salsa on my legs.

"That book get a room." Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure you heard. Hey, guys. Tell me if this letter sounds all right. "Dear Reek Publishing, "I was highly disappointed by your erotic novel. "Here's what I would have wrote. "'It was past midnight when the blonde, smoking-hot lab assistant,

What would I do if you weren't here? Mmm? You're the only one who makes my life bearable. I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation. I was just trying to hurt you 'cause you hurt me. But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian. If I didn't have you, I'd be lost.

No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you. I love it. I will kill you.

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING)

Hello, LaDawn. Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse last night's indiscretion. It was just.... Oh, my God, LaDawn! What's that on your neck?

Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered? Hey, Guido, watch this.

Peter, what is it? What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry.

Drive. Any particular direction? That way.

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh."

Is that the way your Mommy reads iT? I do not miss that ogresS. She can burn in hell for all I care! Sure she can. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "I've grown accustomed to her face "She almost makes the day begin

There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon. You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now.

Oh, This is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter!

...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled! Oh, my God!

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class. I don't really want to be friends with him, but he knows a lot of chicks. And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)

An increase in crime? That can't be right. I haven't noticed anything like that. You're in the house 14 hours a day. What would you notice? Well, I hate to admit it, Lois, but over the last couple of years, this town has changed a lot, and not necessarily for the better. Yeah, I mean, the other day, I left a doodie right in the middle of a Crate and Barrel. Came back 45 minutes later, it was gone.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese.

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do. If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

Hey, how you doing there? Listen, uh, I couldn't help but notice you across the parking lot and, uh... You know, you're-- you're very attractive and, uh... You want to go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex?

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen,

These water wings didn't help at all. This is the worst day of my life. Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days. A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes.

Mom, Daddy, thank you so much for coming over. Oh, of course, dear. I don't know what to do. They scoured the area, and there's no sign of them. I feel like I can't just sit here doing nothing, but I don't know what I can do. I'll tell you who could help. Medium. Daddy, that's not a real person. That's a character on a TV show. Don't you disparage Medium. Medium works very hard.

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35.

Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power.

(CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that?

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes. How much would you pay for laser eye surgery?

The chair. Chair, yeah.

"Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others? Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

My God, look at you. Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot. I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs. WOMAN: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

So, have you read the script yet? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, I haven't gotten around to it. Why not now, you know? Just get it off your plate. Oh, gosh, you know what? I don't even know what I did with the copy that you gave... Oh, fuck! There it is.

BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat? I got another cat.

It's out of control! We need someone to man the other hose!

"Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics! You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break! ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Well, we got lucky. How you holding up, Stewie? Um... I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

I would check the point first before re-priming it. But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. You bastards! I'll get my question answered one way or another.

and you don't know anything about running a big business. Whoa, whoa. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story. (MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck. Boy, I've never been in the owner's box. We're gonna get a great view of the track from up here. This is gonna be a great race.

Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all!

And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.

What was that? What did you just write there? Give me that!

(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! Oh, I'll leave you to grieve. Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches?

Dad, are we almost there?

Luke! They let you out of jail? Not exactly.

Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

This press conference is over. I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom.

Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy. Yes, you are. I can't believe we have to live here. No, This sucks! Ugh, Tell me about it. I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage-fest. Come on, kids, we've been through worse.

Brian. Yeah. If you guys were beers,

Hey, I'm the guy that believed you could be a desk, huh? Come on! I'll even be your coach! Well, All right! Let's do it! Coming up in this half hour, our undercover expose on conveniently placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard. Ahh!

Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it? I'll tell you, Bob. I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

All right. 90210. Dad? Meg, what are you doing at West Beverly? They're really reaching for guest stars in the 10th season.

Oh, that's a great idea. Maybe he can bring his sling blade and order up some (MIMICKING BILLY BOB THORNTON) French-fried potatoes. Mmm-hmm. Thank God I'm out of that hospital. It's great to be eating lunch with my family instead of a bunch of chronic masturbators. Those people are disgusting. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal, Patrick?

That's tomorrow and that is it for us today. I'm Stewie Griffin. Thanks for watching. We'll leave you with Sting and a cut off his new album. Take it away. (INAUDIBLE)

Daddy, she's been missing so long. Do you think they'll ever find her? God, I hope so, Meg.

Ok? Here I go. Da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da Stop it! What if the kids were to see you drinking like this?

So, do you know how all this stuff works? Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button! (BEEPING) Stewie, no! (RUMBLING) Uh-oh. Chris, make it stop. I'm trying.

Meg, I almost lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again! This guy may look harmless on the outside, but on the inside he could be a complete bastard, like Fred Flintstone. So, why exactly do you want this separation? Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you.

Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity. That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory.

Now let's find out who you really are. BOTH: It's old man Barney Frank! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Republicans. Thanks for all your help, Globetrotters. That was a cold swish. Put her there. No, no, no, no. (ALL LAUGHING)

Bonnie, we got a problem. What's the matter, Joe?

This is Peter Griffin, and you're listening to Book Talk on WRNI.

Twice as tall as me, 3 times the girth Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SCREAMING) We're gonna get pulverized out here! Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

I love you, Nicole, but I must confess To some trepidation for I am a lonely waiter Who loves a lass above his station

but you're still that unicycle street performer with a dream in his eye and a parrot on his shoulder. That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things live forever.

After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina, where I managed to get a job at a summer camp for fat kids. It was my job to keep the children from eating each other.

(MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right.

Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous.

Brian, don't be mean to him. Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. What did he say? Nothing. That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. Is that true? All right, yes, fine, it's true. Why didn't you say anything? Because you wanted me to move in so badly,

Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it!

We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf. But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags!

Clear! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it!

You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

Tricia Takanawa. What are you doing here? Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon. (MAN SINGING)

Really? I don't see any... (GLASS BREAKING) And I see that turn signal ain't working neither. (GLASS BREAKING) Now, look, sir, I'm a police officer, too. I know all the games, I use them myself. So what do you say we just work something out? So, you're a cop, huh? Let me see your badge.

Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this. Do I know you? I don't think I can do this. You can't back out now. How about a pill? Something to relax you before you go on? Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?

Your family must leave our community and return to the outside world. Dad, what's happening? I thought you talked to him. Sir, please, whatever your quarrel is with my husband, I'm sure it's probably justified, but I'm begging you, don't punish the children for it. They're innocent in all this. Innocent, are they? I found this in Eli's corn hole!

(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS)

They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson. He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover. Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying that he's dead, 'cause those are already printed. You know what? Send one to my parents, too.

So, tell me about those knockers. Is that just, like, implants, or did they reassign some ass fat up there? All right, I'm out of here. (DOOR SLAMS) I wonder if I could push mine inside. Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone! I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

but don't go giving them stupid new nicknames.

Joe, the guy's a menace. They've been with me three days now, and all he does is beat her day and night.

Free? I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me... not because you have to. Thank you, Neil.

Oh. Excuse me. Good morning? Lois, since when does an elephant live here? LOIS: He's an exchange student. Don't you remember? Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap.

I can't help it There's nothing I want more Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you

God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING)

You know, I'm up for this, but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.

I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. I can't believe you went to all this trouble. Well, you know me. Oh, I do, Brian. I know you so well. - So, are you ready? - For what?

Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself! Ow! Peter, You're supposed to hit Brian! Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the housE! There's only one thing to do,

The Barringtons! How is that possible? That family is the pinnacle of high society.

What're you doing up there?

It looks fine to me, ma'am. Thank you, dear. I must have just slept on it wrong. (CHUCKLING) I stole Meg's cutaway. (MACHINE POWERING ON) What the hell is going on in here? Well, Brian, I thought about what you said at the park, and I've decided you're right.

Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings... - Manet, honey. - What? It was actually the Manet exhibit. Not Monet. But no big deal. People make that mistake all the time. Oh! Right. You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back.

Hey, you better hurry. They're starting soon. You know what's messed up? This is all for charity.

There's your voice, Brian.

Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing. What the hell you talking about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what'd come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, if you're going to open your mouth with the missus, stick to kisses. Huh? (BOTH LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) What neat humor. What neat humor.

Listen, For what it's worth, I'm real sorry my wife's ancestors made you suffer so much.

Hello, old friend. (SCREAMING) What the hell? No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.

Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party!

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song. Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need.

Last night? (SCOFFS) Where do you think y'all are going? Says here you got another 30 days on your sentence. What? But the court said we're supposed to go home tomorrow! Well, the court ain't here, is it? (LAUGHS) Oh, man, how the hell are we gonna do this for another 30 days? (CHUCKLES) That's the way it goes around here.

Oh, Tom, your shirt. I'm so sorry. - Look, you can use our shower if you want. - No, it's okay. It's just a little spot. It'll come out. Well, that's not gonna come out. You better take a shower. (WATER RUNNING) - Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving.

Hey, Greased Lightning! Do I know you? Jim Kaplan, sports agent. You Like this car? Yeah. It's yours. You like my pants? Uh, Sure. They're yours! Know what a merkin is? No. Pubic wig. I got one. You want it? No! Of course You don't! You're a classy guy! You want to be rich? - Yes! - Sign here.

And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING)

I just have to concentrate on driving. Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999? No, that's Martin Landau. - Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh? - That's Martin Lawrence. - The drunk crooner? - That's Dean Martin. - The drink that's best served on the rocks? - Martini & Rossi. - The guy on The West Wing? - Martin Sheen. - The guy from Platoon? - Char|ie Sheen. No, no, the other guy from Platoon. - It's.... - Come on. Willem Dafoe.

No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

This is just for big people. Why don't you come back in about, oh, 17 years? B-b-But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only 2 years and-- Blast! This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature. Ok. Our next lot is number 15 in your program. This is a one-of-a-kind item. A super mega-death ray.

Tracy? Tracy Flannigan? Oh, my God, Brian Griffin, is that you? Yeah, it's me. And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time. Wow, you sure look... Different than the last time I saw you. Yeah, haircut.

That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here?

Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those?

And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend... - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire?

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Julie's my sister's co-star on Jolly Farm. Hi, Brian. Why don't you keep her company while I go fetch Karina? Just make sure you get her fast. Karina? Yes? You have a visitor. (AS KARINA) Who is it? (AS STEWIE) It's that nice girl, Julie, from your show. (AS KARINA) Oh, Julie! Did she say what she wanted? (AS STEWIE) Just go see for yourself, I'm not your secretary, Karina. (AS KARINA) Why are you so cruel to me?

So, you got it all figured out, do you? You couldn't leave well enough alone.

Ghost. - Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole. Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom. You must be the one she had that fender bender with.

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple.

Mom? Aw, It's ok, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, Honey, you got a little something-- You got a little, uh, I'll get it. Hungry Hungry Hippos! Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice.

Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida. (GASPS) (RETCHING)

Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower.

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING)

And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together like this if we're raising another child. Well i--I thought, uh, you know, Brian would kind of do a lot of the work. I don't know. I mean, Stewie alone needs so much attention. Maybe we should hold off on havin' another baby.

Will you sign my ass? Do You have a pen? Hello-- Hello, Death? Guess where I'm calling from? A planE! That's great. LisTen, those kids on board? Yeah. Uh, uh... A-About that, I-- I don't think I can go through with iT. Peter, listen, without death, the world would be a terrible place.

Fire! Aw, jeez, Let's get out of heRE! Run, you stupid bastards! Peter? Chris? Oh, Thank God. Are you ok?

Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy.

Small. Well, it has to be small because of all the tiny elves. That's right. Good point. Elves. Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls?

MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING)

Oh, my new girlfriend. Here she is. Jillian? Hi, Brian. How are you? Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal? Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh! Okay, let's have dinner, huh?

What's wrong with Stewie?

All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter. Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging?

This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting.

Wow! Maybe you should think about publishing it. Hey, if you ask Daddy, he might even give you some money to do it yourself. That's a great idea, Lois. I'll talk to him tomorrow. If this works out, I could make more money than when I had that rat farm in the basement. Armando, do you have the rent? We are trying, Senor Griffin. But the land, she gives us nothing.

Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible.

Oh, there's a kitty cat a-riding on the train... God, you know, I don't know why this guy's wife isn't here watching this stuff. If I were her, I'd be here every show. There's a kitty cat a-riding on the train Thanks, everybody. See you next week. Yay! He's a good singer. Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here.

Hey, Brian. Where were you last night, buddy? Oh, I was... I was out. I got a little wrecked after dinner, and I didn't want to drive home. Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"? (ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute! How the hell do you guys know about that already? It's all over the Internet. Look!

(LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS) All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy - Morning, Peter. - Morning, Lois.

Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit?

Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000. What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money? Peter, I'm waiting. All right, all right. Listen, I got another idea. What ifl sold you my daughter?

Julie! Hi! We were just talking about you. Hi. Do I know you? Oh, right. Yeah, no, you don't, you know Karina. I'm her brother, Stewie.

one more time, I'm gonna pop you. What you building there, neighbor? Well, We were keeping it a secret, but you guys are my best friends, so I'll tell you. Lois and I are having another baby! We are so throwing you a shower!

- You're going down, Brady! - You're the one who's going down, Griffin! What the hell?

We each seem to have acquired superpowers from that nuclear waste. We've been given a gift. And whether that gift is Chris' fire conjuring... ...Stewie's telekinesis, Brian's super-speed-- Ask how the Queen of England is. - How's the Queen-- - She's great. Peter's morphing ability... Lois, I'm a wishing troll.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it?

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING) So, it's really over, huh?

Back to you, Tom. Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this. Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm somebody now, you know? I don't have to lie to people about my life anymore.

and this here. And it's Dianne Wiest. All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

Driver Pete at your service, sir. - Peter, we're not doing that. - Oh. Carter, you work too much as it is. You're not a young man anymore. You need to slow down. Slow down? I can't slow down. I'm running a six-billion-dollar company. If I slow down, the company goes under. It just seems to me that perhaps it's time to think about retirement.

I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

You've got a lot to see Our flashy cell phones make people mumble "Gee whiz, look how important he is, his life must rule" You'll get a tumor But on your surgery day, the doc will see it and say "Wow, you must really be cool"

Don't talk to mother in like fashion! That's it. The belt is coming off. All right, son. Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. Right? 'Cause "hurt locker" means some kind of war hero thing, or something. Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is.

Okay, like a young 12,

(SNORING) (SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you.

All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson. You always want to be aware of other cars on the road. If you catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him.

He's a family guy Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing?

Wound up living in there for nine years.

Ugh. Get a tan.

We're gonna help you kill the fish. But this--this is gonna be dangerous. We could all die. Oh, Come on. You're our best friend, Peter. Besides, I can remember a time when you saved all our butts. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Hya! Yeah, Too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy. All right, let's go kick some fish ass, huh?

Cool. I'll call you later. Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just want to stick this up her ass. All right, I'll be the one to say it. How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles? Sure. How about this? Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow.

Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company.

Yesterday when you said I don't live with purpose, you were right. I don't. What purpose does my life have? I don't like when you talk like this. Oh, it's true, Stewie. Dogs are supposed to be able to instinctively live with purpose, not even to have think about it, just born like that.

(SIGHING) Ring, ring. Aren't you gonna pick it up? No, I'm not gonna pick it up on the first few rings. I'm busy. Maybe I'm in the other room. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Oh, Come on, guys. Don't let him sweet talk you like that. Wait. You can't leave now. I'm supposed to be the hero here. Wait! Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera? Dang, Stupid robbers with your guns and your make-out parties.

No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth. You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. You really oughta think of your family's welfare. Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea!

(BEEPS) (BEEPS) (BEEPS) Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in. (BEEPS)

Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away.

Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?

My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here.

Me? Why? Yeah, why? Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her out front, center stage. And that's gonna make y'all billionaires... because America loves hot, white jailbait ass. Wait a minute. That's the smartest thing I've ever heard...

It was a baby! (SOBBING) It was a baby. Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms.

One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERING) Yo, welcome back to America's Got Talent! Let's welcome our next performer, here to play the harmonica, Peter Griffin.

Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need. Well, Have a good time. All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox.

Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. Nice try, skank. Worth a shot. Well, where did you go after you left the war?

Meg Griffin You can't dance

Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson! Peter, the toilet paper is made of money. Yeah, and look at this. They even got some of that high-class British porn. Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done.

(SOBBING) Oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you.

Thank you! And remember, say no to drugs! Great concert, Kurt. The label's excited about your 7th album. Thanks. Oh, You remember my wife, Courtney Love? Who?

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about.

If your head feels like it's two miles wide Two miles wide You'll feel better once you've testified Testify Oh, yeah Testify I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle.

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love... No, no. Just wipe... Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian! I love you so much! Go... Go roll around in the sandbox... In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around!

I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian.

We've got to change our way of thinking.

Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit. I'm too self-conscious to do it. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You see, Brian, Meg has a job. Hey, Meg, if you're working for the Mayor, you know what that means? Even you're doing better than Brian.

Guys, will you please settle down?

HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

A 5, 6, 7, 8! Who's got the greatest gal around? You do! Who's got the sweetest man in town? You do! Who's got a guy who makes her smile all day? By the way, I'm not so bad to look at either.

Y-Yeah? Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! Starting right... Well. not now.

(GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then.

Chris, I'm all out of digital audio tape. Oh, he's gone.

GLENN: Well, I think we made it worse. PETER: Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up.

Ah, Here's another thing: The book can also be a hat.

Hey, Is that turkey? Yes, Death. We were in the middle of a turkey dinner, to celebrate Peter's good health.

AnciEnt Archeological evidence indicates that Ireland was a much different place before the discovery of alcohol. Most experts believe it was something like this. gentlemen, Today we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy!

Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

And now you're gonna pay for it. So get ready, fuckers.

- Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. How can you be bored? This convention has everything. You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

- Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

You make me feel so young You make me feel like spring has sprung And every time I see you grin oh, I'm such a happy individual The moment that you speak

Yeah! That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that?

My word, Penelope, you and I seem to have quite a lot in common. Do you actually use these? Only when fear, spite, jealousy and revenge demand. I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me. (GASPS) You're wicked.

Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place.

Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING)

Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together. Wow. We just finished off what was left in the kitchen. When I think back, of all the food we've wasted in this house... Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch. Come on.

I think this is a meth lab. Oh, my God. You mean like as in... D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? What's going on? What are you guys talking about? Uh-oh. Someone's getting cranky. I think he needs an N-A-P. What's happening? Where are you taking me?

Victory is mine! aah! God damn it. UGh.

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here.

This is so silly. I started playing again. Jeez, I could swear I parked here. Yeah, you did. But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car. I'm not gonna panic. I need to go back in the casino and find a high roller who'll pay A million dollars to sleep with my wife.

Are you reading my mind, man? Let's go to the phones. Go ahead, caller, you're on with Dingo and the Baby. (BABY GURGLES) WOMAN: Is this Dingo? Yes, honey, what's your name? Sindy, with an "S." Ooh. Hot. Hot. Oh, yeah, that's hot, that is hot. Tell me something, Sindy,

Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah! Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic. We'll be in the clubhouse. Go on, run away! More golf course for me!

Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world! So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up.

The snowbird sings the song he always sings You know, this is definitely a mystery song for me. It's so upbeat, but the lyrics are so dark. I'm sorry, are we both listening to Snowbird, as recorded by Miss Anne Murray? Yeah, the woman in the song is trying to cope with getting older and she feels trapped because she knows she can't do anything about it.

I stick finger in your mouth?

You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

baggy full of Cheerios...

Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? (ALL LAUGHING)

This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! Ha! No bail! Peter, tell me you didn't do this.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.

but I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything. You want me to drag my sack across your face? What? (STUTTERING) I'm sorry, it's...

Stewie, look at this. September 1, 1939. There's something about that date. I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon,

Hey guys. ls everyone on the phone? " got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped...

I know what it takes to be cool. "She Packed my bags "last night, pre-flight "zero hour "9:00 a.M.

I've been doing this all me life. You see, the reason your fleas are drawn to ya, is your kidney energy is being blocked by a dark chi. Or what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu. hey, doc. D'you have to keep those 2 boxes right next to each other? Why? What do they say? I think we're through here.

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. It's something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours. LOIS: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes.

Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought!

Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

I took a lot of things when I went to medical school. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this. Hello? Ah, Hartman.

That's a fine machine, Peter. Peter, how can we afford this? Let's just say the car was a steal. Say that again. The car was a steal. This time without winking. The car was a steal. Wink. Peter.

(IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE) Slow-motion diving at you! (BOTH GRUNTING)

They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie. The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on.

We are going to have to send that family money.

Now you're talking my language. All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible. All right, Peter, how are we gonna do this? How are we gonna get rich?

There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening.

You-- H-h-hey-- Hey! None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No! No! You've had yours! Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food!

And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off. Hey, nurse? Nurse? What would you do for a Klondike BAR? Would you stand on one leg? SurE. Would you act like a monkey? Uh-huh.

like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Oh, So I should treat him like a high-class whore.

(GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

(SIGHS) This is so wonderfully peaceful. Yeah, really is another world out here. And just so quiet. (HUMMING JAWS MAIN TITLE) I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you

Well, that's kind of exciting, right? (CHUCKLES) You sound like my mother. She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast. I guess that's sweet, huh? She... I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until...

Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should.

Lois, did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? Oh. Oh, God.

There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A... Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade.

Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. you know, I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money. How can you "half expect" something?

Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low

Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... Don't know... And now sports.

What the hell are you doing? Taking down the Christmas decorations.

Open your mouth, baby, here it comes. But there is a silver lining for local Quahogians, as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog Mall this weekend to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps kids clothing store. Oh, that's perfect. Brian, we have to go down there this weekend and heckle her roundly.

I think it's easier on me because I'm the one making the sound. Ok, Nice effort, Brad. But, uh, let's remember our performance hierarchy. Legitimate theater, musical theater, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime. All right, next up is Olivia. Liv, what monologue are you doing for us this time?

What is that? It's True Blood. Yeah, no one knows what that is. Rich gay people do. Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters? Stewie, it's gonna be fine.

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing. I know it's different than you're used to.

Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD! Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe.

Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it. Yes! Mmm, Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby! I'm going to sex you up so crazy! Yeah! Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

It's ok. If I take the blame, he'll buy me a convertible when I get my license.

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!

Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque!

All right. It's telling me I have to download RealPlayer 7. You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself. There she is. You still got that bag I gave you? It's gonna be a long ride.

So, in addition to buying 200,000 lottery tickets, you had 400,000 fake ones printed up?

Ladies and gentlemen of Congress,

Carter, as your boss, I'm ordering you to pay a compliment to this sharply-dressed Asian man. You look very nice. What else? What about my shoe? They're nice, too. How you think my house smell? Not oniony? You good, man. I pat you on the head and feed you from the hand.

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)

- Hey, Doc, you got a minute? - What you want, dog? Yeah, so, hey, check it out. Stewie and I have been working on some stuff of our own.

(GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop!

You made out with Meg's boyfriend? How the hell could you do that to me? Because, Peter, you've been making me feel old and fat and unattractive and worthless.

Mr. Griffin, do you drink? I plead the fifth of Jack. (LAUGHING) No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink. And have you ever struck your wife? Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride. Are you a violent man? What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions.

Peter, perhaps Chris has adopted another culture's mannerisms because he doesn't know enough about his own. Aw, Gee, I never thought of that. Hey, You know, I should teach Chris about his Irish roots. Besides, We haven't spent any time together since we played Operation. I'm going for the "funny bone," Dad. Oh! You touched the sides.

Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God! Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. I'm talking about that!

Ohhh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We'd better get moving! Carol, you gotta relax. You Let that kid start calling the shots now, and you're screwed.

Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try.

Oh, my God! I'm missing the news! We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient. And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. - Really? 64? - Yes. Now I thought she was dead. Nope. She's alive. Fantastic! And now this.

Because that's what I asked you to do. That's kind of weird. Is this some kind of sexual thing? Nobody said anything about sexual. There's nothing sexual about it. I'm just asking you to perform a simple task. Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail, and run your fingers along the length of your tail. You mean stroke it?

I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too.

WhAt? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh, uh, I mean, What? Has Dad found a permanent job yet? Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things,

I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy. I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing.

Chris, you big beautiful man, I'm so glad you came. Up the stairs, second door on the left. He should still be asleep. Mrs. Lockhart, I don't think I can do this. What? Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together...

These people live in a patriarchal society.

When you say USA I just say hooray And if you're not from here God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS USA!

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that?

with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing. I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round, we'll never know. (BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one. (CROWD CHEERING)

I forgot my purse.

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.

Any last words? You wouldn't kill me, would you? Thanks for helping me dig this hole, Mr. Montesante.

Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE) - We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic. You know what the worst part is? All I wanted was for my dad to tell me he loved me.

How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual. Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation. Remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois? Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful! This is going right up on the fridge. Really? The fridge? It's like we have a little Michelangelo in the house. Okay! See you guys later.

(DOORBELL CHIMES) Trick or treat! Well, the thing about Halloween is that the candy corn is not particularly, unusually, the cause of the determinate factor of timeless tradition, is in contrast to the turkey day. Gesundheit.

Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin.

Oh, no. There's a policeman coming. (ALL GASP) All right, everybody, you know what to do. Alcoholics, transform.

Do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack? PETER: Uh, no! "No," like you checked and there aren't any, "no"? Or "no," you're just assuming? PETER: (STAMMERING) I'm embarrassed.

Ugh! Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here. You're a worse parent than Britney Spears. I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD)

Ooh, ooh. I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott.

I guess. Goody, goody!

I clean in here? Yeah. That's fine. I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down. This is a very shocking Family Circus. (SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING)

Can we work it out, maybe some other way? Wait a minute. Something doesn't smell funny here. You're not Arab! You two are coming with me. WOMAN: This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money. Oh, my God, Meg! Wonder what music they're gonna use for her?

It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush! (SNORING) Look, there he is!

Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters. Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry. She's dead, chief. Ho-ho! Dead. The Grateful Dead. Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener.

Name's Billy, Billy Finn. It's got "fin" in it. I didn't pick it. Luck of the draw. (CHUCKLES) Say, you want me to try and get you one of those cars from down there, yeah?

Look who the fuck's talking. I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's just that she's my sister.

God, ain't that the truth? Where is your father and Chris? It's not like them to be late for lunch. Mmm, I think they left a note.

Risky. Very risky. All right, fun's over. What do you want me to read? We want you to read your new contract! (GASPS) You mean it? Absolutely! You're hired! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...

Oh, it's much nicer in here. I'm gonna float around for a while, then stick my needle in your shoulder fat while you sleep.

Ben! Ben! Damn it.

All right, Peter, have a good business trip. Taxi!

M-Mr. Pewterschmidt, again, I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this. I--I don't know what came over me. You'd better not have ruined my race dog! Brian, I am very disappointed in you!

(MEN CHUCKLING)

I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.

Sorry, Quagmire. How the hell am I supposed to get to the airport? I got to fly a plane in 20 minutes. Oh, I can drive you. I got a pickup truck. See? Well, come on! (TIRES SQUEALING) (CRASHING) (GIRLS CHATTERING) Quagmire, I'm so sorry. Don't worry about it. We can go after them. Don't worry about it, they're tagged. Just get me to the airport.

This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year.

All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. And, uh, neither will that guy.

That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka. boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka. boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka-boom.

Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license. Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time.

That was a cold swish. Put her there. No, no, no, no. (ALL LAUGHING)

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick. Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh.

LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital. All right, hold-hold on a sec. - I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter!

Calling out around the world Are you ready for a brand-new beat? Summer's here, and the time is right BOTH: For dancing in the street

Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Never heard of it. It's all right T, they're with me. Hey, JC. What's up? You guys are good to go. Thanks, man. (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great. I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that. I'm telling you, this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden.

(ALL CHEERING) (FANFARE PLAYING THE STRIPPER) - (WHOOPING) - (WOLF-WHISTLING)

Suffer! (EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

Well, good night, Karina.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, my God! You're Robin Williams! Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! You've got a weapons room, too? And look at the size of it. It's amazing! Yes, although sometimes I think it's too big. It takes the cleaning woman forever to clean it. Was already broken.

Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats.

So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?

Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset.

Will you please take me back?

Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they? Oh, look who's starting to get it. Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them. I mean, how would you feel? Well, right now I feel like a jerk.

I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down! Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.

You... Actor. You... Tony? You...

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks!

Joe, the guy's a menace. They've been with me three days now, and all he does is beat her day and night. And on top of that, they say they don't need to be entertained, but then they're always like, "Hey, so what're we doing? What's next?" Hey, Joe, can't you just arrest the guy? I can't arrest Jeff unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police.

What do you want, Griffin? Angela, look out your window. You see that Anheuser-Busch billboard next to the children's hospital? Well, watch this. Oh, God! Oh, my God, this is horrible. Oh, God. That's terrible. Oh, good Lord, save them. Bless their...

Everyone, from now on our lives will be better. We'll be wealthy, our sons will become doctors, and we'll be in charge of charity, so we don't have to contribute to them. I'm offended by that, and I'm not even Jewish.

Are you gay, Dad?

Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement. Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you?

but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no laws of physics. Watch. How the hell did you do that? No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY)

Oh, my God, we got to get out of here! Taxi! Follow that family.

Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved, so you begin to think maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off. Oh, Wow! A real movie set. Hey, This house looks kind of familiar. I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here.

Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING)

but only a Griffin has thiS. Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it. Yes! Mmm, Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby!

because he's going the fuck overboard.

What you staring at, Joe? These dolls all look really surprised for some reason. I wonder what they're all so surprised about. What? You've never seen a handicapped man before? They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe.

Stewie's really been acting out lately.

Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. Figured before I stopped by the apothecary, I'd come here, and then it's off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for you? Not really. Did you use the jokes? Yeah, they're not landing.

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well! Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing through static. I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.

CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this.

I guess I'll go home and rub out a giggity.

Oh. I'm sorry. Hey, why were they shooting that scene live? Convenience. Yeah, but why'd they... Let's not start pulling threads on this one. Can we go home? Sure. You want to get some ice cream? Well, why not? I don't have to fit in that dress anymore.

(LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys? They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they?

I can't walk! Why the hell can't I walk? This isn't part of the act anymore! No, no, no, don't look. If you make eye contact, you'll have to help.

This is the exact moment in 1984 that I sent you to the first time. You've just got to manage not to screw it up again. Lois! Oh, my God, it's so good to see you!

(SCREAMING) He can't hit us if we keep moving! (STUTTERING) Can you not? I just took a bunch of random stuff I found in my medicine cabinet, and you're really freaking me out right now. Okay, maybe he doesn't have a laser. But listen, if we're gonna kill him, we gotta find some guns. Okay. Well, let's go.

Where is Cindi? i don't know. But She better show up soon. It's almost halftime. You know, cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable "i" at the end. Oh, And that cockadoodie smiley face you use to dot it! You sicken me! I'm not gonna hurt you.

So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know? I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say, "Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger." Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are?

Oh, right, right. Right, because of my penis. Yeah, that's--that's-- that's fantastic. Lois, Brian won't take me to the park. Then he talked about his ding-dong. Lois. Lois! Damn it, woman! Pay attention to me! Ow! Stewie, that's not nice.

Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it!

(APPLAUSE) Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up,

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?

Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out. We could be cops, right, Joe? Well, we have started an emergency training program at the police academy, but I'm not sure that you're cut out for the job. Come on, we'll be great cops. Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training.

I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations. Aw, That's a small price to pay. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too.

That is so cool. What is it? FRANZ: It's a puppet. Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop. Puppets. And I thought I'd seen everything.

I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street! JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!

Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore! I think I got a wave here!

Hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons? Shut up!

God, I hate this freaking cat.

All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle. They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party.

Peter-- W-w-Wait. Watch this. Hey, Jambi! Ok, say it. Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much. Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me.

Ok, that's much clearer.

PETER: I love you, Lois. LOIS: I love you, too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels.

(BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING) Now, kids, you don't have to call her Mom right away, but I do want you guys to get along.

A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives.

Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet. Hey, You're getting some looks yourself. Ah, i--I'm not ready either.

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

He's golfing on our anniversary? Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse. Which is where your mother-- Don't say it! Your mother smells. seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell?

Uh-oh. FiRe! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry. I'll put it out. ahh! Hey, Great show out there.

...E e Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him.

He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

(SIGHS) For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me? Wait a minute. This isn't Carvel, you lying bitch. All right, that's enough. Visiting time is over.

I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job. Well, There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on.

Dad, can we please have a turn at the Xbox? Just a second, Meg. I'm still trying to get the hang of this. Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new.

please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

What is thy bidding, my master? Hey, I'm downloading all my music to my iPod 'cause I'm getting rid of my CDs. Do you have any desire for Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily? No. Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill? No. You sure? This thing was unstoppable. This was the soundtrack to my '95. To my '95 and my '96, actually.

Lois! You did it! I love you so much! And the winner is Lois Griffin! Now, if everyone could just pick up two chairs before you leave, we can get this place cleaned up a lot quicker. Wow. Well, what do you think, Floyd?

All right, dog, here we go. Prepare to lose a bet, 'cause I'm about to become the most popular boy in school. Excuse me, pardon me, are you the cool children?

Hey, what about these? Good choice. These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious. I'll take them. Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia.

hi, mOM. oh, Look at you all. I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking. Thank you, Nana. Hello, everyone. Hi, Daddy. Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt. Did Peter have a stroke? No, Daddy. Peter's cultured himself,

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois. She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving. Look, Monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right? And there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about that. Peter, you're acting bananas.

We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!" Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear!

(SHOWER RUNNING) Who's in the shower? Is it Donny? No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill. Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there?

Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed. And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting.

Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom? Aw, It's ok, Meg.

No, I own the restaurant. And to show my gratitude, I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of McBurgertown burgers.

A rally? Sweet. (CROWD CHEERING) The days of despair and hardship are over! Today begins a new order! All of Europe will tremble as Germany takes its rightful place as ruler of the world! Oh, yeah!

...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?

You got a new dog? Yes, sir. But... I'm the dog.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude.

I'm filling in for Peter. He's sick. All right, finally a little harpoon in the bowling alley. All right, what do you say we get this thing started, huh? (LOIS GIGGLING) Whoo, nice roll, Lois! My God. If she chews gum, she's got the whole package.

I-17. Oh, Darn it. aah!

Well, A lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign. But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. But here's something everyone can understand! Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't.

There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)

Wow, You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you.

What? Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh?

Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again.

And being there's no women around, we're gonna have to have an orgy. - Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.

(CHUCKLING) It's a bus driver's uniform. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

Craig T. Nelson! Are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. Make it quick.

Damn it, Steve. You forgot to put out the cheese and crackers. Helen, don't start with me in front of our guests. Do you think I like hitting you? I am sorry you had to see that. Look, sir, I really need to confess something to you.

Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING) (RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick.

Peter? Oh! Oh, uh, Ah, h-Hi, Mr. Weed! Well, It seems you've made a full recovery. Oh, yeah. yeah. W-- Uh-- That--That plane crash I told you about, it turned out to be gas. Aha! Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30.

You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it,

Sign me up for Cooper. (GUNSHOT) (ALL SCREAMING) What the hell?

Lois, you have a gray hair. What? Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter.

Monkey in the closet.

I love you. I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without. Well, I... I love you, too, Stewie.

All right, I'll see you later. All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun.

come on up and put a hand on it! Mr. Pewterschmidt? What are you doing here? You want a used dirt bike? Oh, not at all. But Lois told me how much you wanted it, so I decided to win it for myself just so I could destroy it in front of you. And the clock starts now!

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped. HEy, JoE, Where are you going?

- (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg. I escaped 'cause I just couldn't bear another second away from you. My God! How did you get out? I filed down a toothbrush to a fine point and stabbed the guard with the most kids. - What? - I'm just kidding. Oh.

except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie. Like a Twinkie. Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around? No, I haven't. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor. When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way.

Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off! Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing.

Package for Glen Quagmire. Oh, uh, Excuse me.

And take your whore daughter with you!

Government came and took my baby.

Who said that? I'd love to go with you, but I can't. I'm supposed to be the gift table at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow. All right, if we're gonna go after Briggs, this might be a good place to start.

which will address how to deal with a crazed drug user. Hey, Joe, what are we supposed to do in here? You see that coffee you're drinking? I have, without your knowledge, added a large amount of PCP to one of those cups of coffee. I won't say which one, but in a few moments, one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck.

Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

Brian, thanks so much for doing this. Paul and I are so excited to see your act. Oh, thank... Wait. What? Paul, my boyfriend. Paul, this is Brian. Boyfriend? Oh, come on! I paid $800 for all this crap! You have a boyfriend?

I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson. So, as you can see,

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

Well, you said it couldn't be done, Brian, but I created an exact replica of the Raytheon executive headquarters in El Segundo, California. Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend. (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops!

Oh, You don't know that either? Last chance, Brian. Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What?

Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story. (MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING)

Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cakE. Right here! Meg! I'm sorry, Mom. Oh, Thank you, Peter. No problem. I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.

It's like they all have the same mindset. It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah.

A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony! I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome!

Thank you. 'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree?

You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at...

Uh, As soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behind us. Lois Griffin is a slut.

Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid? Ah! You like-- You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guy--you guys are stupid and ugly. if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win!

What the deuce? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Yahh! Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected.

Holy crap! We should go. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex. Uh, Peter, that wasn't, uh-- You know, for a large, heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass. That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy. What was that? Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.

A rebel without a clue

Well, look who finally came home. Jeez, I thought you were gonna spend all night at Joe's. Oh, I could've. That man has got magic fingers. He found this one spot behind my ear, I... Forget about it. I thought my leg was never gonna stop. I don't believe this. My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on. It's not too hard to see why. He's a hero.

Oh, my God, a baby! Are you okay?

MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

Way to go, pal! Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie.

Actually, I won't be a standup comic, I'll be more like an amorphous-blob comic. I gotta write that one down! Nonsense! I'll have the studio send a flatbed for you! See you at 8:00!

I know it's tough,

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA?

Ahh! ow! Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. Ooh, Damn!

What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going?

That's what you're after. Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt!

MAN: Go, Stewie, go Roll, Stewie, roll Sweet Stewie, roll

Remember the dance? Of course I do, Peter. Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin? I think her name was Flora. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm ready! I'm ready! What? Shut up for 10 minutes and pretend we're in the back behind the speakers. (BOTH MOANING) This wedding sucks, huh?

You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater? (GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me! Lois! Why the hell were you doing phone sex? I was providing for our family. You were lying.

Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then. Oh, no. Brian. That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller. Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? Oh, yeah. He, uh, He left a message. I forgot to tell you.

And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you...

(IMITATING WAILING) MAN: Hey, could you keep that kid quiet? Oh, what's that? What's that, sir? What's that? I'm sorry, am I being too loud for you? You wanna come over here and quiet me down? - Let's not do this. - Oh, God. Stewie, come on. I'm scared.

Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin. And you're watching PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.

Can you spare some change? Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog? That's me! I mean, that was me. Yeah, sure. No, I mean it. That was me.

(SCREAMING) Oh, God!

If Peter needs to talk he'd best go to confession to beg forgiveness for all his failings! Have a glorious day.

Oh, my God. It's enormous. Lois, this is probably a terrible time to remember this, but I think I might have left the weed whacker on. Well, look who's here.

Ding. Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT? I'm busy. Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you. I-I don't know if you remember, but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. AHh!

Look, Death, you made a mistake. I'm not really supposed to be deaD. OH, I made a mistake, huh? Then What do you call thIS?

Is there someone else who has a story they'd like to share? Peter? Uh, yeah, sure. This one time, I was on a city bus, and the guy next to me was eating a bucket of fried chicken. - Oooh! - Yum! And the smell was getting to me, you know. And even though I didn't know the guy, I just dug in and started stuffing that chicken into my mouth.

AUDIENCE: Whoo! Hi, honey, I'm home! Hi, sweetie, how was your day? Well, I was an astronaut for a while, then I was a cowboy, and then all afternoon I was a fireman, so it's been a long one.

I sure hope candy comes out of that.

Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?

Sorry, Chris. Me and my damn appetite! this isn't the first time it's gotten me into trouble.

Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh?

I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING)

Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own.

Oh, God, it's harming people! ROBOT: Angry! Angry! Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too! It's using tools! It's learning, Angela! It's learning! Run!

But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater. I'm just like Barbara Bush!

Wait a sec. Hold the phone. He's going back towards the track. Fellas, this race ain't over yet. (THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over.

Hey, buddy. Close the door! I don't want to see the light. Aw, Come on, Joe. Cheer up, huh? hey, What do you say you and me go roller skate-- Bike ride-- Jump rope-- Go lay on the grass?

(WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS) (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Well, it's getting late. I should probably go. Brian, this is, like, our sixth date. I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something.

Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. Hey, guys! Th-There's no more girlie magazines in the can! All they got is this--this David Copperfield! W-w-Wait, any pictures of his girlfriend?

And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich, we'll get you to the hospital. You bastard. There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Oh! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm cleaning myself. Uch. You were clean 15 minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and." My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took...

What time does it start? 10:00 Eastern and specific time. What? What did you say? Specific time? Don't you mean Pacific time? No, I think it's called specific time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.

You told her I told you I kissed her?

PETER: And it was. But Nate soon found himself put to work on a Southern plantation. It was way down there. You know, where you stop seeing Howard Johnsons and you start seeing Stuckey's. Anyway, it was a horrible place where they took away everybody's African names and gave them new names.

The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist

Uh, uh, So, uh, what--what kind of a name is Weed? They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. Our original name was Bermuda Grass. Peter, being here with your wonderful family, your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog, well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development.

FAITH: Well, Hope, f don 't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits. HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking powder. It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING)

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time?

It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H." Sounds right to me. Nothing ever bothers you, does it? No, not really. I like everything.

Who took my checkbook? Ellen? Why is there a pen cap and no pen? You're the first person to recognize me in 2,000 years. Well, you seem like a nice guy. Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone.

It's a different dialect! One, two, three. Hey! What you doing down there, Lois? What's the matter? Mad at little old me?

Do not go until I wave my flag. I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED!

My best friend in the whole world and he's gone. (CRYING) You know, Peter, I think he was also my best friend.

Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable! Lois, I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about.

Well, it sure was nice of Mayor West to drop the kidnapping charges. It's amazing. All he asked for in return was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco. You're welcome.

The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man?

Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down. No. I'm not living my life without a mustache. Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hello, I'm looking for Peter Griffin.

Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that-- Operation! May I play? Mom! Thank you, but I can't stay. It's Friday night, I've got to go to Temple. Temple? Oh, Like Indiana Jones?

This... This is not for you. That was weird. What was he doing? Anyway, Penelope's trying to kill you! I told you she was bad news. Look, let's just get you someplace safe. Dude! Get out of here! Stewie, step aside.

And don't lie, or I'll tell Jennifer Connelly that you're the one who's been mailing her those dog heads. Yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore. Okay, fine, Meg!

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster!

Hey, Come here, you!

MAN ON TV: We now return to Malcolm in the Middle. And I told you boys to pick up your clothes! And who left the wet towel on the bed? I swear to God, sometimes I feel like just going on strike! What would you all do if I went on strike? Huh? What would you do? I'm talking to you! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go on strike! And you can all try living without me! You ever think about that, huh?

I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde!

All right, unbutton your shirt and your pants.

I'm sorry, Dad. I love you. I love you, too, Glenn. - Glenn? - Sorry, sorry. Damn thing can't tell the difference. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me.

You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke. No, I didn't. And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk?

(MUSIC BOX TINKLING) (CRYING) My governess drowned me in a well. You are a horrible dinner guest.

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS)

Say, listen, Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile, but there's one person I really want you to meet. Oh, yeah? Who's that? The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power. I answer to the power of Jesus Christ.

Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor. I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary.

Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable! Oh! Clumsy oaf! Michael Flatley must be turning over is in his grave. Wait a minute. He's not dead yet. "Michael Flatley." Peter, It's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric?

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you.

Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city!

(SCREAMING) There you go. Create an adventure with that. Carol, you're here. Hi, Lois.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it.

I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. So they revoked your C.P.R. card, huh? Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated.

You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.

Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!

I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.

You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something. Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.

Peter, what the hell is that? It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured, with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space. Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you've inexplicably acquired?

(EXCLAIMS JOYFULLY) Thank you. Thank you so much! I can't tell you how reassuring that is. Ah! My babies are okay. Will you answer one question for me? Yes. Thank you so much.

All right, let's spend many hours on this. All right, the main duck, what's his name? I don't know, Red Heinie Monkey? (LAUGHS) I love it! I love it. All right. Now, what's his wacky neighbor duck's name? Giddy Goose? Meg, please try to formulate ideas clearly before you vocalize them. I'm not sure you're getting the show, Meg. All right, names, names, names. Come on now. (GASPS) Poopy Face Tomato Nose!

(FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

(BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there. You're a monster. You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976. Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter. (SIGHS) Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot.

but I can think of 100 better things he could be doing on television. Hiya, kids, it's Peter Griffin's champagne dance party. And, oh, we got a hot one today.

Hey, this is Jeremy. He's from... You know, he's from the program, and he wants to meet you. Well, hey, Jeremy! How do you like the Death Star so far? Good. Awesome! You gotta come back next year, when it's done. (AWKWARDLY) Oh... Okay, we're gonna move on now. If you ever do that to me again, I swear to God... I know! I know! Nobody told me.

Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you. I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.

No way. Bill Clinton makes me feel young.

Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books, so I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight I'd like to share them with you.

Oh, My God! Update! "Exclam"! Scott Martin just asked me out again! Oh, My God! This is date number 3. Are you gonna get to 2nd base? I think that would be a bad idea, and I know something about bad ideas.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

There. I did it.

I forgot. I also put 'em in a bunch of squirrels. This isn't gonna do us any good. May as well see if she's at the pageant. YOu. You lied to ME. Oh, my God! There's Mom! Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? Bite me! Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois dowN.

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman."

ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour,

Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

Suck on that? Suck on this. Tic Tacs have only one-and-a-half calories.

But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved, so you begin to think maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off. Oh, Wow!

Hey, fellas, I hope you're hungry. Oh, my God! What am I gonna... Somebody help! Help! help! That was great! Look at-- Look at her! She's still shaking. Bastards.

every night of the week for the rest of my life.

Why are we watching TMZ? I hate this show. Keep watching. So what do you got? I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom at his nephew's play in Rhode Island. PETER: Richard! Hey, Richard! Hey, can I get your autograph? (SIGHS) Fine. You have a pen and paper? PETER: What do I look like, a Staples? I don't carry that stuff around. Look, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

I say! Brian, look. 3 rows down. What? Is that Tom Bosley? What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switzerland? I--I'm almost certain. Tom! Did he look? I don't know. well, If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley! No, it's not him.

(ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches! Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Geez, the synagogue button's almost worn out. Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine.

Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me? I used my nose, which I always forget about. Come on, let's go. No, I'm not going back! I can't! They're gonna be mad at me! I didn't tell anyone. You... You didn't?

Uh, Hey, what's going on?

What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy! Peter Griffin, temporarily suspended C.P.R... Holy crap! We should go. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh?

(CROWD CHEERING)

It's a small change. And if you do it, we'll really get behind this show. A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration. So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal! You know something? I like your passion.

A kindred spirit, like Judas found in Pontius Pilate. You know, sometimes, I feel like someone should just crucify Jesus of Nazareth. Crucify Jesus of Nazareth. - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Shut up. - No, you shut up. - I'm Judas. - Pontius. This is so weird, because just today I was thinking about how I wanted to find the son of God and nail him to some wood.

Everyone, I got big news. We are going to be rich. Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic.

Yes, we would. Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day Until he seen his I bet you muthafuckas will too Because it's die muthafucka, die muthafucka still fool

Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin! Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess! PETER: No! You said I could have two friends over. And I didn't. Joe couldn't come.

I'm your biggest fan! Can I touch your hair? Who are you guys? How did you get back here? Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby. And he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer. Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it.

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women?

He's rubbing the records with his hand. Hey, hey, you're gonna ruin that, you know. Well, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you a name.

Go away! We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say...

But if you drive something else,

(SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank. Well, I got to tell you, this was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Griffin. - Well, the pleasure is all ours, Mr. Brady. - Please, call me Tom.

Oh, definitely Scarlett Johansson. For one thing, there's the boobs, which Kristen Stewart does not have. Also, I get the sense that Kristen Stewart is more of a bath person when she really needs a shower. She does seem kind of dirty. Yeah, someone should write "wash me" in the dust on that flat ass. (BOTH LAUGHING) Move over, funnyman Richard Lewis.

That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it. I don't really understand it. What do you want this loan for? I want to build a giant space station that can destroy a planet. I don't know that that would be a good investment on our end.

Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade,"

But now, I wrap you in sticky towel and lay you in bucket of beet juice. Now I put herring in bucket with you, so you have friend. You know what? I bet my ways would seem just as foreign to you. BRIAN: Stewie, I got a flea thing going on in here!

Well, splendid! This calls for a sexy party! Ok, funcakes, let's do a scene. Ok, uh, Stewie, how about you and, uh, Let's see, one of our veterans. Um, Olivia.

(SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

Well, you sure got a pretty morning for it.

Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smoking was bad, but--but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart? Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now! Finally.

I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her.

who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face. He lives with us back in quahog. You got a nice wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie? A little girl-girl action, maybe? Oh, Peter! Good luck, buddy. I've been barking up that tree for 17 years.

Well, I got to be honest, Lois, I had my doubts, but you really held your own in that ring. Thanks, Brian. It was nice to go out a champion. Well, we're real proud of you, Lois. And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud! What? I'm fun.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY)

"No more shorts." And this isn't coming from me, this is management. This is about me, isn't it? They don't name names. They just say, "No more shorts," okay? All right, this is our target. The Quahog Bridge. We loaded a van with explosives, which we will drive to the bridge... Wait a minute. Explosives?

The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia, this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day-- Over! Fine! I don't need you! I can manage my own career! YeS. Yes, i'm-- I'm quite capable of that.

God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done?

You came unarmed? As we agreed. Admirable. But foolish!

Oh, Great. Buy one and let's get out of here. What do you mean, buy one? All I've got is $50. We're gonna have to distract him. Follow my lead.

I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show. It's on, like, channel 100 or something. Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies.

Griffin. Party of two. Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you. Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal. I kind of get the helmet. But what's with the water wings?

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? What about all that liberal crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations? You even cried after Columbine. Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy. Whatever. It's just weird, you know? I mean, you're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun. Well, that's why I keep it here, where it's safe.

Sauerkraut. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut.

Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great.

Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Everything's fine, Everything's fine. Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. Yeah, Yeah. Uh, Apparently you--you can do that. Give me the damn phone! Little fella's sound asleep. But I'll give him that kiss for you.

Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter to Penthouse Forum, and I don't want to be made a liar in the nudie magazine of reckon.

You know, I got some candy in my van, if your kid wants some. Oh, great! Wait a second! Ah, You got me! You got me. I'll get him, though. I'll get him. I bet you will. I bet you will.

- An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

Is that your boy? What? Yeah. That's Stewie. Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgmenly. Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? Yeah. All right. You're free. Wow! Can you give me my job back? No. Yes. All right!

Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

I just found out I got that internship at Mayor West's office.

Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh, uh, I mean, What? Has Dad found a permanent job yet? Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right.

We'll have one of those with four spoons. More like four of those with one spoon for me! (LAUGHING)

Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you.

Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands. Whoa, whoa, hang on, you're adding kerosene? Peter, that's insane. That'll destroy your body. Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you.

(CARTER GIGGLING) All I'm saying is I let your father take my Jewish identity, and I've regretted it ever since. I don't want to see you make the same mistake.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor. When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way. Last night, for God's sake, you farted. I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat. Shut up and go to sleep! (BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me! I'm trying, I... Try harder!

- How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful. undefinedFinish it. Eat it. " hate it. Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on. At hurts! Good.

Woodstock's over, assholes.

Some friend, huh? Okay. All right, take it easy. I am tired of playing games, Griffin. I mean, let's go. I have waited long enough. I'm having sex with you right now. No! I don't wanna! Griffin! You have sex with me or you're fired.

What's wrong with Stewie? I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter.

A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me!

I didn't think you wanted to see me. But this changes everything. I wanna be there for you, Meg. I love you. Will you marry me? Yes! Of course! Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber.

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

Aw, I was going for a new record. Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here.

Peter, don't you understand that I'm just looking out for this family? Besides, without my nagging, you'd probably get yourself killed. Or laid. Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore.

God, I hate high school.

Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor." What? What are they honoring you for? Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend. And it's free. Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say. Wait, you're not gonna go, are you?

I'm not 100% sure what we're doing anymore.

Hi, Naomi. Hello, Lois. I want you to meet my husband, Dale. Hi, nice to meet you, Dale. Dale? All right, I guess, but I'm doing you last. Joke's on him, I only got two in me. Lois, this is such a lovely home. Oh, thank you.

What the hell was thaT?

My God, you know what this means?

I'm ready. Let's get it on!

(CHILDREN CHATTERING) GIRL: No kidding. He looks weird. What the deuce is all the commotion? All right. Out of my way. Move aside. What the hell is so bloody fascinating?

It's my ear. Do you like it? You don't like it. No, I like it. But it's just.... Why your ear? Because I love you. Well, at least this will be a funny story to tell our kids someday. You want kids? Oh, yikes. I wish you'd told me that before I got you this.

Lois, you ruined everything, you know that? Peter, I know it's a little extreme. But when it comes to our children, it's better to err on the safe side. Isn't that right? No. You know, Lois, if everybody was as closed-minded as you, the world wouldn't have some of its most inspired creations.

And when you wake up, well-rested, your precious little baby will be smiling as bright as the sun. It's dead. And while I remind you I can't read yet, I can only imagine Madeline would say,

Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time,

Oh, my God. Yes? Peter, That's not funny. Those fanatics are building a golden idol of you on our lawn. Wow, I look like a freakin' Emmy. Heh heh. Hint-hint.

Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?

you gotta ditch that negative attitude. You're as bad as Negatron.

She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide.

Well, Fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar. There we are.

SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.

We're gonna do some toad. You in? You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud. You'll get chills all through your body And you'll lose all control

Son of a bitch!

I may have made out with Meg. Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard.

- What the hell? - Ok. Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Mrs. Janetti. I'm here to pick up Stewie. Oh, sure, Brian. He's in the playroom with Gavin. Gavin. That's a stupid name. And nobody likes you at school. I tried to stick up for you but I can't, because everybody hates you. You're gonna be ugly when you grow up. And everything in your house is cheap. And it smells in here.

Ahh! My device! My teeth! I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde!

There was another Stewie right there.

(GASPS) You're a jerk, Glenn Quagmire. One of these days, you're going to get what you deserve. You better put something warm on. You got an icicle forming down there.

Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality? Shut up, Brian. I am part of a very special community now. People with mustaches look out for each other. Hey. Oh, hey! MAN: Hey!

Y-Yeah? Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready.

Mr. Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt! Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil? Check! A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or zero? Check!

Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. (SIGHS) America. How's your stewed fox quail, my dear?

I don't know what the big deal is. I stopped for one drink after work. Yes, but it's every night. There! Now you can be upset about that. This is fun. I like playing with you, Penelope. What shall we play next?

Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

Um, hey-- Hey Carol? Um, since--Since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts? Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts? He's half your size. I--i know--i know--I know. But check this out. Hey--Hey, Carol. Say, Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm!

All it does is shoot you. It doesn't make breakfast at all. Besides, I forgot my wallet. Well, that's okay. I'll just open up a tab. Wait a minute, what the hell's a tab? Does that mean I don't gotta pay? - Well, not right now, but-- - Ah, sweet! Hey, while I'm at it, give me all these copies of Marie Claire. You know, in case I want to rub out that easy one... before I get Lois into bed tonight.

Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house. Okay, okay.

See what I mean? This is not normal! You there, Bingo. It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his... I say, what's this? Volume! Volume! Look, what's the big deal? I mean, we're just a regular American family. We have family dinners, and we go to church together--

Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung.

Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator! Hmm. We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Hey, you guys. Are we all ready to cheer at the game tonight? We? Oh, You made flag girl, huh? Uh! Yeah. So, This morning my mom was all like, "Meg, don't forget your lunch." And I'm all like, "mom, I'm a flag girl now. "I'm not gonna forget my lunch." And she's all, like, "Meg, don't forget "your half-time routine at the game."

Can I help you? Yeah. Uh, I hate my neighbor, and I want to build something crazy out of spite. Well, I'll take you to our Oneupsmanship aisle. Man, this place has everything. I bet you can even get one of those gay mailboxes.

All right, I'm coming!

(SIGHS) You know, Mom and Dad, I'm really glad that you kept me from doing what I was going to do. Well, that's what parents are for, Meg. No matter what age you are. We love you and we just never want to see you hurt.

Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue! If that isn't a middle finger to society, I don't know what is. I don't like it anymore. I wish I'd colored him red.

Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that.

(STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home. What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet. The Emmys are on tonight. Oh, God. Don't tell me you forgot about Meg's play tonight. But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing.

Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year. The investigation continues into this mysterious... Wait! I know what happened to Christmas! Brian?

(FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor."

- Here's to Peter getting his fingers back. - Thanks, Joe. Oh, boy, I tell you I haven't felt this good since I came up with that new place to hide my porn. Have a good day, sweetie.

Hey, LandO. Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox. Classic cool. We're gonna do some toad. You in? You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud. You'll get chills all through your body

Oh, You can all go to hell!

- Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)

Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Hey, got one more here! (IN GIRL'S VOICE) Oh! Where are we? I'm from Atlanta. I don't know where we are! Hey, you better hurry. They're starting soon.

LaDawn! LaDawn! LaDawn! All right, you all set, honey? LOIS: I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting.

Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.

Boy, this place sure has changed since Pawtucket Pat sold it. So, this is where you'll be working, Mr. Griffin. Oh, and I should mention, employees are welcome to free Pawtucket Ale. We just ask that you don't drink during your shift. - That won't be a problem, sir. - Great. I'll be right back with your ID badge.

I am not gonna listen to you anymore. Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty.

and I'm gonna tell the whole world about it. Is that right? Who's gonna believe you? The Internet? You'll be just another nut-job, left-wing blogger. Security! MAN: Everything's fine. No, it isn't. Get in here. (GRUNTS) Damn it! You bastards! I don't know why you're surprised by this, Brian. Big corporations never tell the truth.

Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on? I just woke up from a nap and I feel drafty. Peter, we don't have air conditioning. Well, that's awful peculiar. (GASPS) Oh, my God. Peter, look. Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell? Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh.

Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING) (CRYING)

Well, now that you mention it... Hey, Meg. Proud of you. Has your father ever killed anyone that you know of? Well, once by accident when he was in the military. All right. You all know your orders.

Well, I better go. I don't want to be tardy. That's not going to happen from missing one class. People are born that way. Now run along, or you'll be late. Hey, who's that, your boyfriend?

The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey.

Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes.

For God's sake. Cancel my Tuesday appointments. Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day? No, no. Just cancel it. Okay, will do. - Who the hell was that? - Hmm? There was another Stewie right there. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I've been so damn busy lately,

My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English!

It was awful. That kid was a complete thug. I'm telling you, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

So then she said she was gonna kill you, and... This... This is not for you. That was weird. What was he doing? Anyway, Penelope's trying to kill you! I told you she was bad news. Look, let's just get you someplace safe. Dude! Get out of here!

Well? We're waiting.

Even if you use a condom. Because not only do condoms fail 100 percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would you? STUDENT: No. And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married.

I don't know why Lois always said she had problems with female co-workers. So Abby, Elaine and Janet have their little lunch clique, and of course I'm not invited. Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing. Well, I don't know, but what I do know is that in the staff meeting, Christina said... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. ...my inventory system wasn't feasible. She's obviously threatened by you. But when the associate sales manager came back in the room... It's ridiculous and I support you fully.

Mmm, Excellent texture, provocative support.

What the hell did you and Bill do last night? We lived, Lois. We lived our lives. Peter, that former President Clinton is nothing but a bad influence! I forbid you to hang out with him anymore. No way. Bill Clinton makes me feel young.

Baby, you take me in your arms Aw! Isn't that cute? My little Stewie likes Anne Murray. She sounds like an angel. It's like her voice is putting my entire body in her mouth.

Sure! Okay, then let's... Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet. How would you like to take a half-pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese?

All right, Brian, Peter's coming in.

and there is a giant poo on your desk. Hey, Horace, another round for everybody. (ALL CHEERING) Gosh, Peter, you're really being generous with your money. Hey, what's the point of being rich if you can't share it with your pals, huh?

and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible. All right, Peter, how are we gonna do this? How are we gonna get rich? Well, I say we start out small, Carter. Here's my plan. I'll distract Lois while you steal money from her purse. Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

You guys going to be okay without me for a week? Ugh, I don't know. I mean, who's going to put those three magazines in a neat stack on the coffee table? Lois, I realize you're excited about going away with Bonnie and all, but could I not have to hear about the trip when you get back? I know you're going to have pictures and stories, and I just don't want to be involved in any of that mess.

Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter! M-m-Mr. Griffin, please. please.

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like?

Meg, will you take one of these and pass it down, please? What's this? I'm starting a new advocacy group. The Quahog Animal Equal Rights League. Our first meeting is tomorrow night, and I'd really appreciate it if you guys would come and show your support. Well, of course we will, Brian. We'd be happy to come.

(SHOWER RUNNING) Who's in the shower? Is it Donny? No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill.

It's a robot that I built to save this company money. Now, before you say anything, one, it has no human emotions, and two, its prime directive is never to harm people. Oh, God, it's harming people! ROBOT: Angry! Angry!

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley... and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.

and maybe he just needed to move on. If I were you, I'd look for a new friend. A kindred spirit, like Judas found in Pontius Pilate.

Well, Now we have a real problem to deal with. That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax. Joe? And we have to get Stewie back! I remembered. WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it!

Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING) Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris. Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed? Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection. (LAUGHING) One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye.

Notice anything unusual? I sure do. His father's not in any of them. Exactly. Well, Peter's been very preoccupied with work lately. I guess Stewie's been missing his father. Thank you for letting me know. (CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved.

She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award.

Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs. I wanna show you a freckle on my sack that I'm concerned about. It has irregular edges. (DOOR CLOSING) BRIAN: Peter, what are you doing? I'm not going to family night.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

God, I hope Alan doesn't find out. Hey, forget that klutz. Hmm. Maybe this one. Hey. Looking at you pretty normal, huh? No! Ah, fudge. Wait, I know!

No way! You're gonna be on T.V. Oh, sweet! Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi. You're on it. Oh, wow.

I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt. Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here. Fine. Weirdo.

It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING) She's gone! We lost her.

And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty. The Queen, eh? I'd like to mash my banger in her blood pudding. Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus. Right fine performance at the cricket match today. Aye. I was spirited to have you down there watching me. ANNOUNCER: Well, it's a brilliant day for a long and confusing game of cricket.

(SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you.

"She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish."

Oh, Man, that's all we need. More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo. Well, not if I have anything to say about it! I am going to make sure this never sees the light of day. Peter, are you crazy? Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing, but this is a multi-million-dollar film. And he's a very powerful man.

What? It was just Carpet Fresh. I'm on your side. I've been observing your behavior, and I don't think you're an addict. I think you're an idiot. Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it! I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name?

Dad, I'm Chris. I'm your son. Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible!

God, we look like idiots. Hey, hey, that's more like it! Where'd you get the threads? We went to Barney's. I heard that's where all the famous people shop for skinny-leg jeans. Whoa! These are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on!

What? Nothing, I haven't seen him. It's not like him to wander off. Rupert? Rupert! Oh, no. What if he's been kidnapped? Well, let's just calm down. I've got to save him, Brian. What if he's dead? I don't think I can handle a funeral.

(WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! (SIGHS) (RADIO STATIC) (TURNS RADIO OFF) Oh, man, the battery's dead. Now what do we do? (GASPS) Oh, my God.

So... No, you can't take him. You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire.

I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying. All right, let's explore that. What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something. I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911! He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now!

if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Did you have a nice trip with Brian? Oh, Yes. Smooth sailing through calm seas. Hey, uh, Kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, and Greg became his slave? Yeah.

You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting oh, Lois. Here comes the best part. I want to rock and roll all night and have a wonderful time Is that it? Oh, No, no. It's, uh,

I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here. What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right?

Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad I risked my life and everything. Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that? Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart. Goodbye, big fart.

Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter!

Oh, bloody hell! All right, time for Plan B. Let's go! I'm not going any lower. Well, Father, you gave it a good go. Oh, we're not done yet. Come on!

What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist.

At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean thanks to the efforts of newly-elected Mayor Lois Griffin. We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story. Thanks, Tom. Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog, and we're here with their reactions.

Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter. Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right.

- I'm Judas. - Pontius.

I'm Ed Bradley.

Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation. No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure! No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris.

I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there?

I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook! Get out.

(GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays!

Can the Irish crap, will you, Horowicz? Ok. Open it! Ahh! Let me go! Help! Help! All right. Where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search, I swear! Ahh! Sir, we apologize. Griffin, There's no easy way to say this. I think you have a drug problem. A drug problem?

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.

Shut up! Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, ok? Meg, Will you relax? None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you, all right? Jeez, I gotta get gas. Hey, any of you guys want a soda? I'm gonna go inside and get a soda. Mom!

Mom, can I turn the heat up? Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset. Come on. This thing goes up to 90. Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here?

You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that? Well, you said I was stronger than you. And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going. Okay, let's see. You want to go for a walk? It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy?

Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin. But you can call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.

And now I'm the bad guy.

Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic. You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater? (GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady...

it was a rock lobster Rock lobster Rock lobster

"You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury.

All right? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me. (CHUCKLING) So all we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we'll have our murder weapon, and if we're lucky, it may just mean we'll have our killer. All right, from this moment forward, nobody leaves the group. Joe's right. Everyone huddle up.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! This is Tricia Takanawa. I am standing outside Quahog Hospital,

Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

This is dated last year. I just... I just had it lying around. (SIGHS) I don't know. Goes against everything I believe in. But at this point, I'm willing to try anything. (SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON RADIO) I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet

Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you? Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

Hey, Meg, check it out. I'm gonna jump that fire hydrant. Chris, don't! You're gonna wreck Dad's bike! Too late, I already narrowed my eyes. (MEG SCREAMS)

Dad? Excuse me, Chris, I got to talk to Mr. Pupenchest here. Good day to you, Mr. Griffin. Say, listen, my wife and I appreciate how nice you've been to my son with all the puppets and whatnot, and we wanted to invite you over for dinner.

And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels

I'm gonna say no. Great. Then please check here and initial there. Uh, next, do you think this is some kind of game? Um, no. Okay, initial, please. And finally, my date of birth. Was it yesterday?

Oh, crap! Guess we lost him. Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING) Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it. Nice try. But Marian's over there.

I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her.

Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change. Oh, Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined. Yeah. hey, Where's Stewie?

We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance Well, they're no friends of mine I say, we can go where we want to A place where they will never find And we can act like we come from out of this world All right, Cleveland, you're all clear to enter the vault. Copy that.

Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here. Some people, gee whiz. Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan. Do I at least call him Jon? No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys? How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things?

That's ok, honey. As long as you learned your lesson. Oh, I did, Peter, for a couple of minutes. Then... This is so silly. I started playing again. Jeez, I could swear I parked here. Yeah, you did. But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car.

I'll have the halibut. Ah, great choice. One of the chef's specialties, you'll love it. It was caught fresh less than ten miles from here. I'll have the New York strip steak. Mmm. My absolute favorite dish here. It is a spectacular cut, superbly seasoned and the marbling is some of the best I've ever seen. And I'll have the chicken.

He fell off a stool trying to turn off Maury Povich.

All right, I'll pull some strings on one condition. I want Peter to do something really humiliating. Well, what did you have in mind? He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement. Do you know why I stopped you? I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb,

Why? Because that's what I asked you to do. That's kind of weird. Is this some kind of sexual thing? Nobody said anything about sexual. There's nothing sexual about it. I'm just asking you to perform a simple task. Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail, and run your fingers along the length of your tail.

Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange. How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire! Lois? Hey, Lois, honey?

These boys paid the ultimate price here. For equality. For humanity. You're welcome. I'm sorry? I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know? We wrote a pretty big check for you folks here, so... You know, whatever. It's fine. It's fine. Doesn't matter. Just... I just hope you're making the best of what we gave you here.

My God, she's unappealing! Go! Who said that? Hmm? Who's got the big diapers? Huh? She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off.

You know what I should do, just, like, as a goof? I should try to win those Justin Bieber tickets just so I can, like, tear them up or use them to go to the concert. It's ringing, Rupert. It's ringing. I'm too nervous. They're celebrities. You talk to them. (SCREAMING)

Peter, the circus is terrific. But it's not just Stewie's birthday. We're also celebrating the day our family became whole. Today means nothing if Meg isn't here.

Nothing. Back to your turnips. Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta. Wow, Mom. You look pretty. Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance... my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model. Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too.

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later... Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic.

All right, everyone. All DVDs are a dollar and everything must go. Come on in. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Please be here. Please be here. Oh, sweet mother of God! There you are! I'll watch you with the lights off. (LAUGHING) Like I would dare.

Oh, my God! Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my! Do we... Do we rub his nose in it?

Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh?

So, what's with you? No Valentine's Day plans? (SCOFFS) No. I've had it with Valentine's Day. I'm sick of all of it. Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just... How come it's so hard to meet the right woman? I think maybe it's just time for me to give up.

Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE. I just have to stay off it for a few days. W-w-waiT, you can't stay herE. Why noT?

Hi, you gays, guys. Girls.

Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

Woo! CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy.

All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you!

Damn it all! Shh! Sorry! Sorry! Hey, Shut up! Keep it down! Look, there's nothing I can do, all right?

Any more bright ideas, Professor? (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class. Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you, it wasn't at home. Was it, Chris?

Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know. Do you believe in your best judgment that you have been rehabilitated? Rehabilitated? It's just a stupid made-up word so boys like you can sit behind a desk,

Feels like the very first time

Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead. That reminds me of a guy you might have heard of, John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived. You know what he once said?

(SCREAMING AND WHOOPING) (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, he is so adorable.

Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign?

I guess this is good-bye. Meg, you're the man of the family now. Be strong. Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man. Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like. A 20-minute call to Larchmont?

Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can.

I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will. Earth angel, earth angel

I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter. Well, I'll just have to get a second job or something. Hand me the classifieds. Hey, Lois, look at this. "Subject wanted for medical..." What's that? - "Experiments." - Exparagus. Experiments. Experiments. Right.

If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods. That's a great idea, Brian. If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family. No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him. I'll do it, I'll be James Woods.

I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

Well, this is just great. How the hell are we supposed to get home? Look, All we gotta do is get some fake passports on the black market. Where are you going? You're never gonna find the black market! Oh, that's what You said about that back-alley abortionist.

You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there.

I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look?

Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Free-- I'll take it! Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you.

Dancing in the street CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Crossing China, too Me and you Dancing in the street That happened, and we all let it happen. All right, class, two things today.

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!

Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you? So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened. Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room. Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father." Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all.

Hi, you guys. Oh God, it's her. Look, about the other night-- Oh, That was hilarious. I just wish I'd known ahead of time. I would have brought potato salad! Hey, You guys want tomorrow's Biology test? Whoa! How'd you get that? I spent the night with Mr. Burler.

in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco! Good God! Look at the fat man's underwear.

All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep! This doesn't involve you, LOIS! I don't want to have to come in there. I don't want to have to come in there!

Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid. I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you. So, I hired a maid. What? Are you nuts? We don't have the money for that. Oh, really? And what about the Petercopter? Did we not have money for the Petercopter?

Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again?

No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast! I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby."

Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire! Here, that ought to cover it. Peter, I don't want your money!

I'm gonna ask one more question, and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis? Yes. Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this.

Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra. Fine, Fine. I can see I'm not wanted here. Maybe I'll just find my own place. Oh, Peter. I just feel terrible about this. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need anything. You know what? Maybe I'll just go take up my old job as a construction worker in New York.

You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a minute. This is what Brian was warning me about, that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves. Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours? Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites who spreads lies and hates patriots. Yeah, he kind of is. You and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes.

So, I invited you all here to make amends.

which, of course, means I have to kill you. Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key. Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please.

Help! help! That was great! Look at-- Look at her! She's still shaking. Bastards.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me! Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.

Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"

Yeah, but I love to eat. Well, I've got a way that you can eat all you want and look like a Hollywood starlet. Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey. Hiya, Meg. Hi. Gosh, Mr. Pukey, you sure are good at making fat women hot. Wow, thanks.

I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable! I can bench-press 800 pounds! You, me and Coltrane till dawn! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy, giggedy. There you go, Peter. One for you, 2 for me. You guys go on without me.

Hi, fellas. I sure do love being gay.

I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman?

No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car. Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo!

He thinks they're too liberal and pretentious. Coffee for Brent. (CHUCKLING) Latte for Cecil. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins.

For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?

All right, first scene up is on page 12. Everybody, this is our new Jolly Farm resident, Karina Smirnoff. She'll be playing the role of Mary. Hello. Hi, I'm Julie. Hello, I'm Stewie... I'm Karina.

All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch. And as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore. Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again.

All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD) So, you gonna introduce me to your pals? That's Trap Jaw, that's Optimus Prime, that's Destro, and that's a Care Bear. You having a tea party? No, we're working out a land deal.

and "That went well." Also, "Check, please!" Plus, "Open mouth, insert foot" and "Wait, if you're here, then that means... Oh boy!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Order now and receive Sounds of the 80's Studio Audience, which includes "Trouble Brewing"

Don't come in! Just a minute! Chris, your mother wants me and you to have a talk. No! Aw, I was going for a new record. Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.

No. It's bath day. I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!

Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone. Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you. Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive, every one of you! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way.

Um. Yeah. So, what are you doing here? I'm picking up my friend Peter. Are you picking up a boyfriend? No, actually. I got arrested for protesting the Walmart opening. Oh, yeah. I went to the first part of that, but then some fireworks went off and I ran for two miles straight.

You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister. Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What? Another baby? But--But, I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My--My cheeks are pinchable. My bottom is smooth. My laugh is heartwarming.

I want my family back. Okay. Give me back my family. Get off me. I want my family back.

Welcome, young Skywalker. Thank you.

And that's why whenever I have sex without protection, I call it, "Taking a John Chancellor." (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God, Joyce, you've got so many great stories. Oh, come on, I'm sure you've done some crazy stuff in your time. Well...

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too.

Stop it! What if the kids were to see you drinking like this? Especially Stewie. He's so impressionable. Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it.

You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street.

Oh, come here, sweetheart. Wait, Peter. There's something you should know. I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but I got remarried. What?

Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff.

I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP!

That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat them with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. But tha-that doesn't sound right. Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those!

I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet. That's so good to hear. I want to like her. She's so funny. I want her to also be nice. Could you tell us some stories about her? Of course I can. Right after I show you how to make homemade root-beer popsicles. (ALL LAUGHING)

He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever.

That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him!

How long before we play "Pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door"? Now, does anyone have any questions? Yeah, I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ass? And it's also why many families give their children eight days of presents. Wait. Did she say eight days of presents? Yeah. Well, this Judaism thing is gonna be better than I thought.

We'll have all this, and what else, Ollie? OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.

Name one. I want a hamburger. I have a sudden craving for quail. No, no! You're missing the point!

"You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit!

Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

But you should have some before the other kids get to it. What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad.

ah, Here it is. Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh?

Lois, what are you doing? Neither of us is drunk. HEy, Knock it off! Oh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump! The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey.

Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

That son of a bitch. He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz. You know, the subway vigilante from the '80s? I used to do a bit about him back when I was doing stand up.

And if you're a paraplegic? They'll have a quadriplegic. Or a bag of rocks with a bow tie. That sounds incredible. We got to go. Yeah, will you take us, Quagmire? Please? All right, let's do it! But I don't want to get any crap from your wives about me taking you to a strip joint. So you guys are gonna have to lie about where we're going. - Okay, sure. - Yeah, no problem. I'm a great liar.

I told Carstairs you'd set everything straight. What do you mean I'm broke? What about all that money I sent to the Gayman Islands? They did what with it? No, I don't want it back! Lois, give him the ring. What? No! Give him the ring, Lois, I swear to God, I'll cut your finger off. Oh, you beast! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs.

ah! Oh! th-Thank you. I--I was boogie-boarding, a-and I got sucked out by the rip tide. I thought I was a dead man. Oh, You got to be starving. Here, eat these.

Don't you use that tone of voice, you... What were you-- What were you going to say? "Fat ass"? "Wide load"? "Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"? How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"

Lois, no offense,

What do you do for a living? Hey, I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here? What the heck happened to that trophy anyway?

I mean, when Chris grows up, will he even be able to get a job or take care of himself? And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it!

Excuse me, while I get a little more comfortable. Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman. Now, you probably just think of me as "square old Mr. Quagmire from next door," but, I've been around the block a few times, learned a couple things. And I can tell you this, there's no reason to grow up too fast.

Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

Nurse! This woman is in labor! Excuse me. I was here first. My leg is asleep. All Right. Let's see what we have here. Oh, The baby's crowning. All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves, and we'll deliver this baby.

Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital. I just feel awful about this, Mayor West. Yeah. Me, too. Stewie, fluff his pillows. I'll heat up his soup. And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. Nope.

Lois, did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? Oh.

And what's the deal with the razor-blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there?

I'm not gay! They put the hole in the wrong side. All right, family. The wait is over. I give you hi-def television! Ooh! Can I have the box? Look at me! I'm an Iraq War vet in 10 years. No, we're gonna take good care of them.

What's that? It's this disgusting, horrible creature that's worse than anything you could ever imagine. (HISSING) QUAGMIRE: (ON LOUDSPEAKERS) Victims of the almighty Sarlacc! His Excellency hopes that you will die honorably. But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas.

No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started! No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses. Look, there's my face.

Why won't this card house stay up? Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought.

All right, kids, assembly is starting. Now, please take your seats for the following presentation by the US Army. (ALL GROANING) What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme! And I'm Major Awesome!

All right, Stewie. We're gonna get you nice and pumped up. Now, you see that barbell over there? Go ahead and try and lift that. (GRUNTING) Uh-oh, spadoodios. I notice your kid is having some trouble. You're telling me.

Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe this!

I am Peter Griffin I like fancy food I like reading comic books and dressing like a dude Yeah, rock and roll! (SCREAMING) Did you hear that?

They detached the human component from the machine.

(SOBBING) Oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda,

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (MURMURING) (HARMONICA PLAYING)

Patrick? Patrick! Oh, crap! Guess we lost him. Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING) Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it.

I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk. Hey, Horace, another round for everybody. (ALL CHEERING) Gosh, Peter, you're really being generous with your money.

You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN? Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze. Well, 'Bye, everyone. I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend 5 days following stupid old K.I.S.S. around. It's painful. Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head. What?

Wait! I have a time machine. You do? Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex. Him legend.

You having your period? What? I'm just trying to take an interest in your interests. My period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control. Gross. All right. I'm gonna go talk to Chris. Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking,

You look awful cold. Why don't I get you a nice hot bowl of Zima soup? Ben. Luke. You will go to the Dagobah system and learn the ways of the Force from Yoda. Ben.

NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.

I just killed a 700-pound tiger with a stick and a rock! That doesn't make you a man, Gary. Here we go. Here's act two of the performance. Karen pretends to leave home for the 20th time. You know what, Karen. Go! I'm not going to stop you. Just go! - Get out! Get the hell out! - Screw you, Gary! Yeah, if you did that more often, maybe I wouldn't need these paintings!

Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! All right. Well, here's a little something in return.

You know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um... I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know? 'Cause I mean, what else is she doing right now?

No, what are you not getting? I put a sample of my DNA in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase, the couch and the balcony. Well, whatever the case, thank God. Yeah, I know. Oh, hey, I brought you something from da Vinci's workshop. A candle? I can get a candle now. You couldn't have grabbed me one of his original notebooks? You know, I didn't have to bring you back anything.

This facility should be adequate to freeze Skywalker for his trip to the Emperor. We'll test it on Captain Solo. And as long as we're freezing things, why don't you toss this ice cube tray full of orange juice in there? And be careful with the toothpicks. Lando, Lando. Lando! Be careful with the toothpicks.

Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight?

Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four. (SAFETY DANCE PLAYING) We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind

That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good! Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING)

Lois, I'd like to make a caramel-colored baby with you.

Rhode Island City?

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth. God created everything, and the world is getting colder. What is your tax plan? That's odd. What?

I don't know how that cocaine got in there. Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed weapon. I'm gonna have to place you under arrest. Oh, my goodness, how did that get in there? You're gonna have to come with us, ma'am. What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its.

No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President! Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be... Um...

Oh, God. Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory. How am I going to get it out? I'd have to poop a diaper into a diaper. That's how you end up in another dimension. Gee, that's rough.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING)

ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week. Okay now, sweetie. This isn't gonna hurt at all. (YELLS IN PAIN) Those lying bastards at Johnson & Johnson!

All right. Let's do it! PETER: It worked!

Let's play some football. Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude. How many times have I told you, no showboating? Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun. I got it under control.

"Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

PETER: I don't know, Bonnie. It's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine. BONNIE: No, it's okay. I promise you, it's okay. PETER: I'm not sure. JOE: It's okay, Peter. Just remember, whatever you do, don't tell Chris I'm dating. Peter, Lois has been dead for a whole year. You're gonna have to tell him sometime.

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way.

Thanks for calling. This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours, right here on the midnight shift. Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you

Damn it. (LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy. That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat. I've wanted you to meet Dylan for a long time, Brian.

Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh, Sean Hayes... Oh, You get the picture. - Please? - No! Ok. you know, Maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like--

I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking but somehow I think she knew.

Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War.

"My drinking ruined my TV show, 24." You sound like two people who don't like being told they have a problem with alcohol. Okay, let's just say for a minute that I do have a drinking problem. How is being forced to join a cult for 30 days supposed to fix that?

No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Okay, well... I'm sorry for your loss, but the good news is your insurance will be covering all of your damages. You hear what he said, fellas? Looks like we pulled it off. Yeah, for now. I still got a bad feeling. He's gonna find something, I just know it. Will you relax? We got an ironclad alibi. We were all seeing the Beatles live at The Ed Sullivan Show.

Oh, Thank you, Jesus. Oh, Actually, it wasn't me. It was-- No, no. It's ok. I'm used to it.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

We've been up here for four days. Why did you drive the car into the air if you didn't know how to get it back down? Look, Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously, I didn't think ahead. It's so cold. Let's cuddle together for warmth. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm warm enough.

This world would be a far better place if there were more men like him. Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us. If we can endure the pain of childbirth,

you can consult the onscreen help menu,

You're offering me some? It's liquor, isn't it? Yeah, it's liquor. Babies aren't supposed to have liquor. This would be the most naughty thing ever. Do you want a sip or not? (LAUGHING) Yeah! But I don't want to get too buzzed. People take advantage of kids when they're buzzed. It's so easy, and I wouldn't even remember.

Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know. Pardon my French. You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day.

I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers.

At first I wasn't sure it was him, but I got a closer look, and now there's no question in my mind. Franz Gutentag is really Lieutenant Franz Schlechtnacht, the most sadistic SS guard in the Dachau concentration camp.

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here?

The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say? Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss.

For your information, I have a student that could whip you. Well, I guess I'll see you there. Fred, this is not a date! All right, you're all done, Alexis. Well, What do you know? Once again, I finish first. Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car."

- For pie - For pie For pie For pie For pie This is wonderful, Brian. Oh, let's live in this universe. Gosh, it's pretty intoxicating, isn't it? I want to hear more music about pie. It's a wonderful day for pie

Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart. This is all very strange. I agree. Something's not right. I don't know, maybe we should give him a chance. Maybe he really is born again.

This is ridiculous. Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing. Well, I have questions about her testimony.

As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.

Hello, lover. Neil! What are you doing? I'm not your lover! I don't even like you! Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut. Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us! Oh, Don't be afraid of the fire, Meg. I won't let you burn.

Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah! That's all well and good, Peter. Now, get ready, we're having dinner with my parents tonight! Oh. Right. I just feel terrible about this whole thing, Lois. Can you ever forgive me?

It was like an instinct, you know?

Oh, My God! Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! - Look, buddy, I--i-- - Move! A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

I thought you said no one would miss me? I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean, Chris. But I miss you. Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too. You know, living in that family, we both have pretty crappy lives. And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other. We're all we have. I know.

but I gotta tell you, what's really weird to me is why is the voice of the guy from the future Bob Saget? I mean, the guy on the show, he's already an adult, you know? So it's not like he's gonna grow into Bob Saget. It doesn't make sense. Thank you for your time. Well, what do you think? Look, Daddy, I agree with what you're trying to do,

Oh, Stewie, stop eating like a little piggy. Maybe We should cut down on your sweets. You're starting to get a little Buddha belly. Chris, where have you been?

Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider.

right here in Quahog. Oh, my God! I didn't see that. Give me! Good Lord, you're right! An American Jolly Farm! Oh, there's no picture. I like the stories that have pictures. Ooh! Like this one, "Seven Dead in Mumbai." I like their hats.

Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got--

Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus?

but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

I want a golden mustache comb And some spermicidal foam That's all I really want for Christmas this year

I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!

What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read.

Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? (EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass.

You know, you bastards got a stake in this, too. I mean, Lois is my wife, and if she's the mayor, we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want. I could do cocaine if I wanted to. Peter, you want some potatoes? Yeah, how you doing? I was just asking if you wanted... We got enough napkins? Yeah, we got enough napkins. That's enough. That's enough, right there.

and it's better than it ever was when you were running it. Security, we have a situation in the conference room. I'll give you a situation, you fat turd! Gentlemen, please remove this man from the building. What the... I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! This is my company! Throw that guy out! Sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but we work for Mr. Griffin now. You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am?

I don't feel anything! Now she knows how I felt when I was at her piano recital. No, you're doing fine, Meg.

All right, I've got our whole day planned. First, we'll go to the Louvre. Then, we'll go shopping along the Champs-Elysees. Uh, Lois, I should probably tell you, I didn't come all the way here to go to museums and shops. (STAMMERING) Well, I don't understand. Why'd you even want to come here, then? Lois, I came here to have an affair.

This is so weird. Look what they used to pack your book in. Shredded-up pieces of your book. Okay, that's it, I'm finished. What are you talking about? I'm finished. I'm done. It's over. Clearly, I am not meant to be a writer. I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out. I put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on. Well, that's it, no more.

Hey, remember when I said I think it's hot when you wear a sports bra and gym shorts underneath your dress? Yeah? Now, put these shoes on. Stop it, you jackass! I told you, I'm not fighting! I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake.

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit.

Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons.

(BARKS FEEBLY) Jesse, what is it, boy? (GASPS) Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here.

The last of the votes have been tallied, and we're getting the final results in now. Quahog's new mayor is... Lois Griffin! (ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men.

- BRIAN: Yeah! - STEWIE: Oh, God! Ugh! He can't hurt you anymore. Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we?

Sit down, Mr. Griffin. We need to talk. Okay, well, make it fast 'cause I'm starting to crown. Mr. Griffin, all our executives require a high school education. And your file says that you never passed the third grade. If you want this promotion, you're going to have to go back and finish. Well, that sounds hilarious, but it also sounds like it might take a while. I'm afraid that's your only option.

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.

Oh, God, that's right. You have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this. Oh, Yes. 867-5309. That's it. No, wait. That's not it! Damn you, Tommy Tutone! There's only one thing to do. 111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112.

Th-The phone hasn't rang all day. I kn--I know. There's nothing-- Nothing to, um... To, uh... Um... Oh. Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"! oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk.

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

not totally happy with your physical appearance? Go on. Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. (SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.

No, fuck you, Stewie.

Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef. Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

He's supposed to be luring Peter out here. He's not doing anything like that. He's warning him! They think I'm an alien? Yes, and you have to get out of here right away! But you're Quagmire's dog. Why would you be helping me instead of him? Because. (STUTTERS) I don't know why. I can't explain it.

- (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched

Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.

What's going on? Hello, Peter. Would you like some cold roast beef? What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam.

Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! Take some action! Free the beast!

Fellas, the debate's in the bag, all right? If there's one thing I can do, it's play to a crowd. Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt, and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot,

Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal? Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh! Okay, let's have dinner, huh? So, how did you guys get together?

Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation!

He's... a... fam-i-ly guy it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond, as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice.

Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl. That still sounds like a sex question. It is not. Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it? What's the guy from Earl's credit rating? Six fifty-one. That's not bad. Better than mine. Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself? He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.

And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here.

You want to fuck with me? Let's go!

Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING)

I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

Use the rubber stoppers on the front. Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.

(ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING)

Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet.

Would you give me a hug for luck? No, no, no, I'm not done yet. Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly? I'm sorry, Karina.

Uh, Lois, why do we have Lucy and Ricky beds? Because I'm sick of you crushing me in the middle of the night. Dr. Hartman called about my x-rays. He said my spine is now disfigured.

Thelma. Hello, darling. My God, what a pleasant surprise. Mom, what are you doing here? Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second. I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion.

I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes. These bluebeards still treat me like scum just 'cause I'm not loaded. I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room. Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you!

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?

"The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature. "A woman embraces life. "A woman makes choices to make her life better.

He's a family guy

Oh, there you are! Hey, give me some money. I saw a cool bandana. What the hell's going on here? Listen here, you bully! For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you.

(SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON RADIO) I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly... What the... Where am I?

Oh, they're awful, those Nazis. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples. What? Juden! Rubben wir Schmutzen auf deine Arschneck.

I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal.

But there was one stubborn pilot who saw through our disguise.

Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!

You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving.

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner.

Here, kitty, kitty.

(MUSIC TINKLING) (CONTINUES TINKLING)

Peter, you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course?

Brian, come here. I want you to hear my presidential address for St. Rupert's Day. I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed. Screw off. I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws.

Well, I don't know what that is,

HEy, Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin!

which they had to close. Well, I'm just happy Tom got his job back. But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend, Chris. That's okay, Dad. Yeah, Chris, I never asked you. What did Lindsey say when you broke up with her? She didn't seem to mind. I think she already moved on to someone else. Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn. You're welcome. And you're dismissed.

Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP. HEy, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake? I--I can't. Group therapy, 2:00. Oh, Man, I peeked in on one of those. It was more boring than when I was a security guard for George Harrison. Charles in charge

U.P.S. Heh, Little bastards ain't as smart as... Ah!

Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

(HORN BLOWING) There it is. And if you think you can say that just like Weenie here, you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead. MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt.

You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats

That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen. And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly.

I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts. Got it. WEll, fraSier, You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa. Huh. This is the smartest show on T.V. Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend.

LOIS: Peter, we're not doing this again. I am at Harvard, the smartest school in the country, and they have... Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy. It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical! It's ridiculous! Pancakes are not a nighttime food.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance. And here to sing a romantic ballad is the one and only Sting. (GARBLED SINGING)

Who is it? It's me, Peter. I'm standing right here. This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot. Oh, boy, that whole day was a mess, huh? What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible. Look, you guys, I messed up bad. Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family. I thought being rich would solve all my problems,

(ALL WHEEZING) Okay, that's better. Welcome, everybody, to the... (RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh...

Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you You're so vain You're so vain

You're talking to me! This is more exciting than that time me and my friends did mushrooms. This is gonna be awesome! You said it. (IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet? (IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny. (IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man.

Carol, how the hell are you?

Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

And that's how I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting. And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus. I just want to point that out to you. Chris, you're the man of the house now. Take the lessons I've taught you and be the best leader of this household you can. I will, Dad. (FARTS)

He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds. Sounds like a pretty good motive to me. Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you. Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends.

Fine, but without my advice,

Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God. Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother!

Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that.

Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this. You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks. Hey, put your wallets away, guys. The drinks are on me.

High five! All right! So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter!

It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it!

and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom.

(SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois?

(LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says. All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow. Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day.

The language they're speaking is the language of subtlety, something you don't understand. I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too.

Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing Just take it off Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me. MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do.

CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time. No!

Well, it's just a thought, but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness? Yeah, Brian's right. You know, there's lots of big Hollywood celebrities who have gone bald with dignity.

This is the best idea I've had since I invented that soda. Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You.

Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. So, Bill. We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too! Peter, That was our emergency money, and your daughter just so happens to need a new pair of glasses.

Oh, my God! That is real! No, total fake. (ALL ARGUING) Look at that. That is obviously a suit. Look at the way it walks. Why would somebody make that up, Lois? What's in it for them?

(HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass.

(INHUMAN SHRIEKING) The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die.

(LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George? George Clooney. Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney? I'm sorry, honey. I guess that things have become a little stale for me. I--i--I don't know what to do.

There you go! (HEARTY LAUGH) Look at that! What is... Whoa! Solar eclipse. Blocking the sun. Do not look directly at it. (LAUGHS) What the hell? What're you doin'? I'm just making a comment. Need to know summat. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?

I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license. Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time. So you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver. My own driver? Holy crap, that's awesome. Where is he? She's right here, Peter.

(MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast.

This is taking forever That's why Brian is yawning And Stewie's rubbing his eyes The montage is almost over That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT)

- Hi, I'm Brian Griffin. - And I'm Stewart. Many of you have written to the show... ...with suggestions you'd like to see. They're mostly god-awful. Tonight we took your advice and produced three of our favorite suggestions. Favorites? Oh, that's charitable.

Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt!

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it.

You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

I am disgusting, so I will take two bottle Drakkar Noir.

He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!

All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT)

Peter, These people are worshipping you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that? A being who's all-knowing and all-powerful? Someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself. Not me, Peter. God. The real God. What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God.

Hey, then you'll never have to wear a condom When you do it with your wife Or anyone else you do it with We promise not to tell Like that new hot chick at work You know, the one who always has high beams Under her ribbed, white, cotton t-shirt

Boy, it'll be satisfying to finally slap the cuffs on Briggs once and for all. Hey, you ever just drive through a town and wonder, "Who the hell lives here?" All the time. Look at this place. I mean, what's going on? There's an adult with a lemonade stand.

All right, let's get this place cleaned up. All right, that's the last of the blood. Go check on the other kid. What other kid? Johnny, the one who's getting the bat.

Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man. No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours!

Yeah, you know, I figured I'd give it a shot. I mean, wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something, and it actually happened? (INHALES)

Peter, you've been to the gym once for 15 minutes. And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop. (GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell?

He's been like this for days. (GASPS) Oh, my God! (GRUMBLING) Cream of Wheat. (MUMBLING) Jeopardy! (MUMBLING) Butterscotch pudding.

Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle. And it's weather-treated with a mixture of whale skin oil and children's tears. (DOORBELL RINGING)

(SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh. Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

I'm a Catholic, and I want to live in a Catholic house.

How many units are in the condo? - Thirty-two. - Tile roof or shingles? Yeah, 'cause it makes a difference what you're carrying up that ladder. - Wait, whose neck is it? - Huh? I mean where's the cutoff? You know, is it Megan Fox's neck or am I burying my face in Leonard Nimoy's turkey gizzard? Nimoy's neck. You have got yourself a roof. I'll take the Spock-Fox intercourse. All right, Peter, your turn.

Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh!

Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian. Well, to be honest, I lied for booze. But, Meg, you're a smart girl.

I get that a lot. I understand. Look, Mort was in trouble. We were just trying to help him out. Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law.

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe.

This is gonna be great. A whole evening with Lois! We are gonna have such a fun time. Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling!

This is our house? Oh, Come on, Meg! I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap. Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch.

Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.

Well, I just got off the phone with Hope, and it sounds like Scotty's gonna make a full recovery. You hear that, Stewie? Looks like your little friend's gonna be okay. Oh, I don't care about him. I've got a new friend who's got leprosy. (LAUGHS) See, he's funny. Peter, are you actually reading that Christian Science book? Yeah, you know, I figured I'd give it a shot.

Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.

I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far. (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman! MAN ON RADIO: Roger that. We're moving to your position. (BOTH GRUNTING)

And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context.

A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner... Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh? We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn and watch Jimmy Kimmel try.

Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him! (BELL DINGING) You know what I'm going to tell you. I got to punch him... You got to punch him more.

and I put it all on 16 because of that Taylor Swift song, Sixteen. That song is called "Fifteen." It came up 15! Stewie, that was all the money I brought.

No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!" Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage. we've got 5 days left, and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. "Have you hidden my hatchet?" "'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?" Oh, God, no!

I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave their feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Peter! Yeah, she flosses in bed,

We're both... What? That's ridiculous. I'll tell you what's ridiculous. The Kaiser. Somebody should put him on a roll. Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie.

What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size!

Easy! Massage the scalp! You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk! You guys! We got a letter from Brian! Tell--Tell him I'm not here. Let me see. Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. There. All better? You know, You are some piece of work, lady.

How do you propose we settle this? - We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal. (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH)

Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque.

So, listen, Quagmire, there's something I kind of wanted to talk to you about. Ever since Lois got us twin beds, I can't fall asleep. I'm used to having another person there. I know. I always sleep better when I'm next to someone. Yeah, it's only natural, right? I'm glad to hear you say that,

He's right, Peter. It'd be suicide to go after that fish. There's gotta be another way. We could have a bake sale. Oh, Now, see? I think that's a neat idea. No! I am not gonna let my family live on the street. Not even if it means ending up like Shamus, here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

Wow, that's some nose you got! Yeah. One time it almost got me a spokesman deal. "Follow your nose." "Follow your nose." "Follow your nose." Oh, i--I'm sorry. No, th-that was good. I just, i--i didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it. Well, how--How would you read it? Oh, I don't know. I was thinking of doing it,

Now, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with that? You need to fix the place up. Reinvent The Clam's image and we'll help you. That'll take forever. Not if we do a 1980s fixing-stuff-up montage.

it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama!

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do? Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God!

For this evening 's performance... the role of Jean Valiean will be played by Kirk Cameron. Oh! Oh! Unbelievable! Oh, my God! How lucky are we, huh? "Hey, Stewie, what are you doing tonight?" "Oh, nothing. Just watching Kirk Cameron play Jean Valjean." Oh, my God! Curtain up.

That's right. We need you to set up some roadblocks to help us contain him. Do you have any clues regarding the identity of the spy?

At least they know how to touch a man. Oh, walk away. You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place.

I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk,

Go ahead, Dad. Thank you, Jesus. I have a purpose in life again. Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work! My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s.

Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly! Check this out, you guys. The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! First prize is $500! Really? If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner.

I've got Hugh Downs up here! And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement! Why me? Why the media? I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half hour. Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.

Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) This'll be great, Quagmire. A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate your first night without a baby.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe.

"Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore.

All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations. Thanks, Regis. REGIS: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show."

You will be worked harder than you have ever been worked in your miserable, pathetic lives. And play harder, right? I bet.

Oh, my God! My dog is dead! Maybe that's why he was tied up.

and the cuts imply a struggle. So it was murder. But the question is who? Well, whoever it was wears nail polish. We found traces in the wounds. Well, that narrows it down. At least we know it wasn't the father. Yeah, but we still gotta find out... (SCRATCHING) (PETER SIGHS IN SATISFACTION) PETER: Thank God!

- I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie Well, good night, Brian. Wait. Is Peter not coming to bed? No. He's active at night because it's cooler.

Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg. See you in the morning. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. What's going on? Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday.

Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy. (DOORBELL RINGING) Can I help you? Ah, yes, my name's Brian. Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back.

Joe, you got this all wrong. Like God did, when he made Rosie O'Donnell. You can't put a vagina on this man. Why not? I'm God. Well, what do you want to do about the breasts? Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.

Souvenir photograph? Hell, yes.

God, I hate having to come up with something on the spot. Um... "Have a mice day. Best fishes. Peter." (SIGHS) Thanks. That's great. Well, I gotta get going. I'm heading off to Vermont to get James' birthday present. There's this neat little store called Cattitudes that makes all this neat cat stuff. See you guys later.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING)

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic. (WHIRRING)

My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer. Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen.

(SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No. And I'm sorry, but nobody can ever know that. (CRACKS)

Get this thing out of my sight! But wait a second! How are you gonna play by the rules if you don't have the rule... Oh!

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING)

Hey, hey! What the hell, man?

Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God,

Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman. " don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody. Sold. All right, Brian, you can do this. You can dump her. Because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it?

And the only one that'll take you is the worst football team in Europe, the London Silly Nannies.

Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman. (PANTING) Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help!

then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs. Don't! You are Jesus. Yes. I am. Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah!

He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury.

Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!

Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you.

Is it pixie dust or-- or leprechaun tails? No, it's a tumor.

Well, you were close, Dad.

Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

Well, folks, this is it. The last of the votes have been tallied, and we're getting the final results in now. Quahog's new mayor is... Lois Griffin! (ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Yeah, that stuff's delicious. Lemon snow? You mean it just falls from the sky like that? You bet. One of nature's treats. You gonna have some? No, I'm already full.

And now... Ladies and gentlemen... President Mike Obama! President Barack Obama!

(GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that?

Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see.

Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Well, tonight we're doing facials. (ANNA LEE CRYING) Oh, God. Hang on a second. Okay, okay, stop. Just stop crying. Stop crying, Anna Lee. No wonder. You dropped your pacifier.

Mrs. Griffin. What a nice surprise. Come in. Mr. Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home last night. Have you seen them? Oh. Wait, is he a great big fat person?

Oh, snap! Snap! Snap! Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right? Here it is, gang. Seared ahi tostadas, grilled asparagus, couscous, and for dessert, molten chocolate lava cake.

(SHOUTING) (ROARING)

(BOTH GROANING) I caught this piece. Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right? I don't know. I actually just had elbow surgery. I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today. Why would you trip me deliberately? I'm sorry.

(IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time. That's absurd. Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog.

Have some fun. Real fun.

I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment.

Yeah. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it. Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail! Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.

Ahh! Get away from me, you creep! (DOOR SLAMS) (GASPS) My God! There was nothing wrong with my mirror! Everyone sees me as a woman! Oh, no! This is the universe giving me what I deserve for being such a pig all the time! From now on, I'm gonna do things differently. Men are jerks!

That I had hard gas and pooed myself? Close, but still no. How is that close?

All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key. LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years. Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger. Here you go. Here's the key, Pete. Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete.

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I mean a lot better

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead!

She gives me the confidence to live my life knowing I'm making the right choices. Wow, and she does all this for free? No, she charges me. She charges you? Well, that's weird. Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear? I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian. Well, I just think you're being sold a bill of goods. Brian, I don't care what you think.

Oh, Mary, Mary, you're in the kitchen, sweetheart, you're all disoriented. Let me help you. the ladder's right here. Thanks, Pa.

Well, Have a good time. All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

If God created us To be so big That's proof he must be A big, fat Heeb God's real flabby

TV HOST: And now back to Old People Agree With Arnold Palmer. Tomato soup, grilled cheese, and a weak cup of tea... is the best lunch in my book. undefinedHe's right. " enjoy things I remember. Peter, I'm off to my book club. Don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting.

It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going. My God, Joe is running us ragged.

Mommy, look at the ladybug! Ahh!

Illustrating a point.

And I want you to come home. I thought you said no one would miss me? I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean, Chris. But I miss you. Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too. You know, living in that family, we both have pretty crappy lives. And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other. We're all we have.

Hold this. Want a breath mint? (LAUGHING) Breath mint. I ad-libbed that line. Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor. Should we go upstairs? Sounds good to me.

Oh, my God! What am I gonna... Somebody help!

Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie

Easy, Briggs. You kill a cop, they'll put you away forever. Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife. JOE: He'd met Bonnie. (SCREAMING) Briggs got away, and I've been in this wheelchair ever since.

Why Cheesie Charlie's? It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time! I get to go, right? Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do? Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one,

She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back,

ls somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy?

OH, Do you mind? Mind? Of course she wouldn't mind. It would be an honor. No, no, no, No. it would be a privilege. I-- Oh, dear. Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl.

Let me just ask you this. When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind, is it good?

"O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is! Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff.

I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin. I see. Um... Maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. I, uh... I, uh... I have seen a lot of medical shows. You see, the areola is very tender here.

Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional! I still don't get it. I'm 5. Bang, bang, boom, boom! Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational! Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going.

It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know, I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie. I've never even seen the ending. You've never seen the ending? Well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance? I agree with Stewie. It's not really fair. It's outrageous. I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I... I get to the scene where all the guys are sitting around on the easy chairs...

Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?

Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes?

Kali Maa. Kali Maa. Kali Maa! Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Now let's move on to the washing of the hands. This is a very important part of the... Hey, hey, hey. The Easter Bunny is here.

"Mikey's Scoliosis Exam. "Nephew Somersault Compilation." Well, even if you never heard of them, I assume you heard of the alphabet. You want to explain to me how Sammy Popsicle comes before Napping, Various? Geez, I'm sorry. Well, can we watch Lost Boys? I've heard of that one.

Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right. (CAR HORNS HONKING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGS) Okay, now, we gotta make sure we've got all the provisions before we head up to base camp.

Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman?

Gosh, I... You know, I think I'd better, uh, go make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine. Oh, really? But I was enjoying our talk.

Hey, Paw, you're late. You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull! I came here 'cause I wanted to get Denise back and instead, you ruined my life!

Okay, Brian, I'm here. Show me whatever it is you want to show me. All right, Lois. I'm going to prove that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzzwords, anyone can appear to be psychic. Even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic, and I'm getting a strong feeling from you.

Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit-- I get the message, Peter.

Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks. NARRATOR: A solitary killer, the fire truck stalks its prey.

Doo-doo-doo so awfully different Doo-doo-doo too awfully different Doo-doo-doo to ever be pals Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Your head's as massive as a meteorite oh, Very funny.

Around the side. And back again. Up high. Down low. Now, over by the diving board. Now, on the other side of the pool. All right, now, I want you to meet me at this address in an hour, and we'll slap five there.

Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!

Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

You will now listen as I attempt to swallow this microphone. LOIS: Peter! (PETER GRUNTING) (LOIS CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY) (PETER CONTINUES GRUNTING) (PETER COUGHING)

Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

Oh, fuck! There it is. Hey, you know what else would be great? Why don't you put check marks next to scenes you like? Well, I don't have a... Here's a pen. You know, I'll just leave it for you right here. Okay. Thank you, Brian. Hey, you know what I'll do to make it even easier? I'll just go ahead and place this in your hand.

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it, but I'm kind of embarrassed by him sometimes. I know, and he's got boobs, too. Stupid guy with boobs.

Big women are sexy.

and you need to remind your customers of that. She's right. You gotta stand up for yourself like my great-grandfather Turn-of-the-Century Take-on-All-Comers Griffin. All right. Put 'em up. Put 'em up. Are you having a bully day? I'm having a bully day. Is everyone having a bully day? Bully. Bully. Yes, bully. Oh, thank God we live in this time.

Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.

Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah!

You know, Peter, I'm a little worried about Cleveland. His wife cheated on him, kicked him out of the house, and he doesn't seem at all affected by it. He's probably bottling up his emotions. That's not good for you. Right. I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out $200 for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward.

There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall!

No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip.

Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

I see. And you really feel that way? Yeah. I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS)

Horsey, you saved my life. No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried. That's right! Awesome. Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition, Stephanie Griffin.

So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together?

I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

(STUTTERS) All those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences. Are you? Are you a better person? What's your point, Meg? My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, (SCOFFS) somehow, you have the nerve,

Damn it, Brian, do not cry. I'd like to pet you, Brian. Would that be ok? You're a good dog, Brian. A very good-- Keep it above the waist, Doc.

Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle.

Wow! What just happened was kind of sad. (HUMMING SAD TUNE)

ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud. Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action.

Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Hey, let's mess with him. I'm going to leave a fart trapped in here. (PETER FARTS) (BOTH LAUGH) PETER: All right, let's get out of here. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR CLOSES) I want you. I want you, too. Come on. I have a little place we can go to. NORA: Wow, I've never seen a sofa in a bathroom stall before. JOE: Well, I'm the only one who comes in here,

I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA

Oh, god! Oh, my God!

Oh. Okay, Randall. I don't think that guy's right for her. Do you see the way he treats her? - What do you care? - Because I think I'm in love with her. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off. What are you talking about? I'm talking about my meat. Gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking it,

Did you have sex with my daughter? What? Come on, Peter. Did you have sex with my daughter? Peter, trust me, it's not happening. (SIGHS) All right. Good. Yeah, she's really making me work for it. Maybe you could talk to her. Well, I'll try, but sometimes she can be as stubborn as a mule.

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

Please turn to hymn number 487.

I need a plastic bag. Here's a thin napkin. Okay, I'm a new neighbor and you're my pet human, Hotchkiss. Got it? I'm not so crazy about Hotchkiss anymore. What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkiss. I know, but how about Axel, or Maximillian, or Dex, you know?

All the way shut. There are 11 of us, dear. All right, Tom, you're squinting. You're anticipating. Don't do that. Carl, you can take your fist out of your own mouth. Bruce, great work. Bruce seems like the only gamer here. Thanks, it's okay to look the other way when y'all pass me on the street with y'all's wives. I understand.

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon,

I wonder how your father's first day at work went? Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

It's you? Are we already out of our own characters? What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole? Yeah. Well, now there's no trench. Great. Is there a hole? Yes. What? There is. Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives.

My turn! My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha! Mom, What are you doing? I love slumber parties! Ok, truth or dare? Who here has gone all the way? Hmm?

Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire. Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money. Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation.

Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning!

BURGLAR: What did she say? She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale.

Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911--

Yeah, yeah. Good to meet you, Patrick. All right, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this. I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault, Meg. But I've decided to do something about it. Oh, great. You gonna drop some weight, fat ass?

You wanna see a picture? Look at this. This is an actual picture from the book. (MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?" Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake.

Oh, Gay! You were right, Peter. It was Natalie Wood. Lois, why the hell do we have to take a stupid C.P.R. class?

Step right up. Step right up. You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam. What a rip-off. It's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.

Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING)

You're an ass, you know that? You're just jealous because I'm hanging around with someone else. Hey, I don't care, man. Girls are stupid anyway. Well, fine. Then maybe I'll go see her right now. Fine! I'll just hang out with James Woods. Well, Peter, thanks for lunch. - Guess I'll be heading back to old L.A. now. - You're leaving? Oh, man, I thought maybe you could stick around...

Look, i--I just need some time to think. All right? Yes, Yes. You've got lots to think about, haven't you? Public drunkenness, grand-theft auto. You forgot where I made you smash your head on the windshield. I--I don't recall... Aah! Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.

Ha. What's that supposed to mean? Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.

But I'm here to tell you, that as of today, PTV is officially shut down. Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING)

Does a dog not feel? If you scratch him, does his leg not shake? Yes, he is man's best friend. But what manner of friend is man? I would like to cite the case of Plessy v. Ferguson... Wait a minute. Why are we listening to a dog? Take him away! But--but Does not every dog have his day?

Security, we have a situation in the conference room. I'll give you a situation, you fat turd! Gentlemen, please remove this man from the building. What the... I'm Carter Pewterschmidt! This is my company! Throw that guy out!

Hey, you seen Reggie around? Which one is Reggie? Oh, today he's wearing yellow pants, uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes. Uh, he's got a gold tooth, diamond earring. Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story.

Okay, you kids stay here with your father. I'm gonna go find a scientist. Am I gonna die?

Ahh! Get away from me, you creep! (DOOR SLAMS) (GASPS) My God! There was nothing wrong with my mirror! Everyone sees me as a woman! Oh, no! This is the universe giving me what I deserve for being such a pig all the time! From now on, I'm gonna do things differently. Men are jerks!

Peter, stop scratching that thing. I can't. It's itching like crazy. Dad, can I scratch your beard? Have you finished your homework? Yes. Ok then. Brian, you've been awfully quiet. Is the community service not going that well?

Hey, mind if I turn on the radio? DJ: WTAT, Tatooine's all-talk radio. HOST: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again, they never stop. Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well, that's crazy, just trying to scare us. And if that weren't enough to get you mad,

Are we really buying fish at the same place we buy tires? And, what... "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player? Stewie, this sweatshirt is so sophisticated. Look, it says "New York." People will think I'm from there.

Over here. Thank you for meeting us here. Can I offer you a cigarette? - Peter. - Sorry. We have to keep this brief. Why are we herE? No cameras! The T.V. executives don't want viewers to get confused and think you're Meg Griffin. So You're just gonna let them recast me? It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan "B."

Meg, who let you back in the house? Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you... over at Glamour next Monday... but, sugar, you're gonna need these to stay on top. Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these.

Mmm, Delicious. I will seriously consider purchasing this product. Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm.

Hey, that's not a bad idea. It's like we're doing a public service. Like those idiots who get together to paint a school. This underachieving, crime-ridden school is now fawn beige, thanks to guilty white people with no weekend plans! ALL: Yay!

Move that bus! (CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home.

Welcome to Midnight Q.

I've broken my pencil!

Would you ever have one? Never!

Sorry. Fat wife coming through. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Fat wife. Oh, hold on a sec. All right, bring her through. Peter, stop it. For God's sake, you're embarrassing me. Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates.

Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great.

Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go. (PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back.

Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive Iraq lobster

The position has been filled. The position has been filled. Thank you very much. You can go now. Leave! Now! I didn't think it was gonna be this hard to choose a baby-sitter. Yes, if only you were this discerning... when you picked that happening Bruce Jenner hairdo.

Bombs away! Talk to me, Goose. Please don't call me that. You're my eyes, Goose. Keep an eye out for those Krauts. Uh-oh! Germans dead ahead!

Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Well, then, how about a dozen scarves?

Diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly, digGly, diggly.

My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois!

I didn't know what the hell was going on. I wandered around for hours and somehow ended up at the Renaissance FairE. I can fly! OH, My God!

Well, that's impossible! (SOBBING) Meg, are you ready? Sweetie, what's wrong? Mom, I can't do it. I can't get married. What? Well, why not? Because I'm not pregnant. What do you mean? How do you know?

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you! Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time. Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said. Far be it from me to call you a liar. Huh? Nothing. Nothing. See you next week. Mom, how come all your students suck? I don't know, honey.

I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun.

Next! Hi. Yeah, we're the Griffins. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry. I can't find your paperwork. Well, Look harder! I want my baby back! Lois, Lois, Please, let me handle this. The name's Griffin. We're the ones who fed dog food to our crack-addicted baby. Huh. Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities.

Here we are, Brian, safe and sound. - Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair. - Now, now, no arguments, Brian. I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe. I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a... Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives. And After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis. Well, We take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too. Wow, thanks!

All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it. Good morning, Mom and Dad. Wow! Look who's finally out of her room after five days.

Stewie, guess what. Frank and I just closed a deal to buy the Quahog Cabana Club. Oh, wow, Brian, what else are you doing that's terrible and stupid? Just wait. In a few weeks, that club will be the hottest spot in Quahog. You're deluding yourself.

Oh, nowhere important, just this special dinner in my honor. It's being thrown by the Rhode Island Society for Special Literary Excellence. What's that? Nobody said anything, Brian. Oh, I thought someone just asked why they are honoring me. - No. Nobody asked that. - Oh, okay. It's no big deal. It's actually... It's just... You remember the book I wrote?

My God, that's amazing! You are so talented. Huh? Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony. Come on, Chris.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)

Hi, I'm Peter. You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle. As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger. Why? Because I don't do drugs.

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois.

Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening. That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined.

I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

Oh, what would I do to you? Well... I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time. Mom, check it out! I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Hello? Hello? Crap, I think we lost him. Let me fix that. If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something.

Ohh! Submitted for your approval. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge to bury shiny objects in the yard. A shameful secret that nearly buried the peace and civility of an entire neighbor--

Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves.

Hey, girls, these are my two new friends. Hello, ladies. My name is Carter, and I require a tremendous amount of calcium. Carter, come here. Sit next to me. This is fun. We're having fun. Hey, what do you say we get some drinks? Hey, boy. Boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda, and three Myrna Loys for the women.

Peter, let's go! Mmm. Thanks for the ice cream, Glenn. And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants. Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh? Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold.

I guess that things have become a little stale for me. I--i--I don't know what to do.

We're finished. We're never gonna get home. We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again. You got your pal Stewie. Great.

Whoa! Solar eclipse. Blocking the sun.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

I wonder how your father's first day at work went? Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and....

helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie. You know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you. I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois. Peter, I'm only asking you to do your share. Well, it's getting on my nerves. Like, right now, you are the most annoying thing in my life, with the possible exception of Evite.

If we want the cops to take us seriously, we have to waste a hostage. But who? Excuse me. Shouldn't that be "whom"? Ok, you. Crap! This is Police lt. Joe Swanson. I know we can work this out together. Ah, jeez, Not him again. I hope this place isn't wheelchair accessible. Bonnie, it's Peter. Don't worry. Joe's an excellent negotiator.

You know, I'm sick of looking at that. What? That empty space! It just reminds me that Cleveland's not here anymore. Yeah, it's just not the same without him. I sure wish he... Hey, guys, look! It's him! Hey, Cleveland! Why didn't you tell us you were back, buddy? Oh, it's a lamp.

Boy, I am late for that meeting.

What? Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries. (BILL COSBY SCATTING) Ghost Dad!

Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson!

Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're gonna get hurt. Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job. Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Ok, I'm goin' out. Where are you going? To my, uh, garden club. It's 10:30 at night and you have a saddle. Well, it's a... I... What's this? What's this, Brian, huh?

No, but you got to take advantage of this. Seize your moment. Like the duck Founding Father. Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights, but I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air. All in favor? ALL: Aye. Opposed? (DUCK SQUAWKS) The motion carries.

Hey, What about this house? I could give him the house and call it even. Cherrywood isn't worth $100 million. Brian, it's the Historical Society. We just gotta convince him that $100 million dollars worth of history happened here.

"Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q."

Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING)

- Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier. Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th. My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus?

punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick.

Okay, Quagmire. Time to take off your training wheels. Okay, I think I'm ready. Oh, boy. - What's the matter, Glenn? - Nothing. Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water.

Don't look at us, you fucking pig.

A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

Did I say you could rest yet? I'm Abe Lincoln! I just chopped some wood! Ha, ha, ha! Good for you, son. Hey, Where's Chris? I asked him to fill up the canteens an hour ago. Hey, Dad, look. I covered my back with honey, and now the ants are taking me home. He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches.

Of course, how hard can it be? You just unfasten these things, then lay back with your legs in the air, and let nature do the rest. It's still there. Usually, the doody's disappeared by now, but it hasn't. It's just sitting there like Joseph on his wedding night.

What are you talking about? This money is our ticket to the good life, starting now. I just bought a giant room full of gold coins, and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. (DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah!

How did these get up here?

I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence.

This court will come to order. I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they'd, uh, catch their mistake. Why are we making a federal case out of this? Don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment? I was gonna call them.

I got it, Brian. Smell my ass. What? Smell my ass. It's where I keep my wallet. Get the scent and then find the guy that smells like me. Peter, that's ridiculous. Come on, boy, get the scent. Cut it out! Get a good sniff. That's disgusting. You're an idiot, you know that? Wait a minute. (SNIFFING) Your wallet's over there.

He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine.

How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.

Yeah, I mean, I was just goofing around when I first called you, but when I heard your voice, I felt like I found some part of me that was lost. Doesn't make any sense, but it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together. That's kind of nice. I guess I could understand that. Now that you're here in front of me,

Hey, what's the deal with Chunky bars, huh? Chocolate with raisins in it. Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate, fruit. (ALL LAUGHING) Wow, that bit's killing. Hey, Lois, great news. We can go back to Quahog. Yeah, I know, Brian. (SHUSHING) We're about to see if Stewie won. Wait a minute, you know? How long have you known?

Yikes! Awkward.

Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so. Do you? Oh, No, I just always feel badly when we have to be strict. Oh, Did I remember to turn the stove off?

I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club. I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket. Face it, Peter. You have a knack for saying the wrong thing. This sucks. Lois' friend "yacht boy" and his lovely wife Caca invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to embarrass her again.

(COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey. - You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries?

That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod. Whoa! Whoa! How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore. Whoa! Whoa!

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here! Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised.

Says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I got to tell you, I always thought it would be rectal trauma. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies. So the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete. You'll thank me when no one eats our brains.

I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour.

What do you say?

Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

Hey, is that your wife? Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here. Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!

Just one! You! I'm just kidding. But French toast, please. Oh, Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife! And for what? To get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom? Who? Peter, I cared about our schools. All you cared about was some stupid competition.

(PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it?

Even Cheesie Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo. Ok, I'll call the parents and let them know the party's here. You don't have any of those things. How do you know? Peter, Face it. You're a terrible liar.

(MUMBLING) I'm Chris.

Joe, my feet are starting to swell.

You know, Lois, if I'm your boss, I got to look like a boss. Finally, I have a reason to wear this big bow tie and cigar I bought at the Dress For Success store. - Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off?

Being a single mother is hard. But The real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS.

on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry

What? You've never seen a handicapped man before? They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe.

What... How the hell are you alive?

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place.

- Oh, hi, Brian. - Hey, Lois. Listen, I have something I need to tell you, but it might be difficult for you to hear. What is it? Lois, - I think your father is dying. - What? Ha!

(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Scared you, didn't I? House. House. And I'm gonna run the company.

Come on now! This is damn foolish!

That's okay, 'cause later we're going to have more elections, and we can use those elections to get rid of the bad guys and replace them with good guys, and then the system will just keep going on and on, just like that. (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So who's with me? Will you join me in trying this new crazy thing? (CHEERING)

Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?

Two in love can make it Take my heart and please don't break it Love was made for me and... (SCREAMS)

I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz!

Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift. Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian! Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here!

And every time I see you grin oh, I'm such a happy individual The moment that you speak I want to go and play hide-and-seek I want to go and bounce the moon

Yeah. But it's not her fault. She doesn't want to see me fall in with a tough crowd again. Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth!

Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk. Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young, either. Brian, we should sip Bacardi like it's your birthday. What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!

(GIGGLING) Get out of here, Quagmire! I just put on clean pants! (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Who's texting me? (LAUGHING) Damn it! (QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING) Stop it, you guys! You're ruining all my clothes!

Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

What is wrong with you? You abandoned me! And some larger children took my candy. All right, look, just calm down.

duh! Ahh! Ugh! Oof!

Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood. Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids to witness the plight of the Rebellion. Kids, you noticing all this plight? Roll 'em up!

Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago. Why, it's wonderful to meet you. We've heard so many nice things. Yes, indeed. So, how long have you been a prostitute? No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt.

I think your problem is you're not communicating in a way... that speaks to their experience. You know what you should do? Get in there tomorrow and do the robot. Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try... a whole new approach. Thanks.

uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes.

No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

You're going to jail, punk!

Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Sunshine Bear. Wait! (TRUCK HORN HONKING) (GASPING)

What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure. Great. You start tomorrow.

To think Canada's got her, and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.

Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you. Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends. But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because...

MAN: You make me hurt you!

Especially for a poor, timid sap like you. I'm proud of you. Thanks, Stewie. I'm just sorry I never got to make out with her. She would have crushed your scrota into a diamond with her robot-strength hand. Come on, let's get out of here. All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb...

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.

Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape?

Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there. You're disgusting. And you're misleading.

That guy creeps me out.

Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day. None of them serve breakfast all day. Do they have beer?

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name.

- You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY) Thanks for the ride, Bandit.

Chris, Meg, I spoke to your father on the phone,

Can I speak to your supervisor?

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital.

I'm sorry. I talked to him. But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though. Well, you know, They're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get 'em back. My father wasn't there for me, but damn it I'm gonna be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!

(MOTOR REVVING) You won't get away with this. Wait till American Airlines' magazine hears about this! (KEYPAD BEEPING) Hello. American Airlines' magazine? Have I got a scoop for you.

Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.?

I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm gonna start right now. Cratchit, you're working through Christmas! But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change. Damn right I do! Now, get this turd-filled sack off... Oh, my God, it just went back in my body. Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter?

I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should. What the deuce? Why the hell would she respond positively to such a negative comment? Unless... Brian, do women like it when you treat them like crap?

Excuse me. I'm lookin' for a car that's been tricked out to look like an ice-cream truck. Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what?

Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Hey, where's everybody going?

But first, a word from our sponsor, Westin's Golden Soda Biscuits. I'm enjoying one right now.

You ok there, Mr. Crocodile? Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up.

Hoo! Ok, Now fast-forward. It's your first day of school. You're alone and scared. Oh! But it's all right. it's all right. It's sloppy-joe day. Oh! Ok, pull it back. Pull it back. The lady touched the bun and she's not wearing gloves. Oh! Ok, Fast-forward. You're a businessman, and you manage a lot of people.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it? Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America.

All right, everyone. All DVDs are a dollar and everything must go. Come on in. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Please be here. Please be here.

Man, I never would have thought Quagmire would get married. No, no. I know Quagmire. And I'm telling you, this has got to be some kind of prank. You know, like that prank I pulled on Ashton Kutcher. Ashton, come here. (LAUGHING) You've just been tomahawked.

What the deuce? Hey, Somebody dropped a money clip. Wow! $26. I've never seen so much money at one time! What do you think we should we do with it? I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. Oh, We can dish, talk about who's getting fat. Oh, We'll just be great big bitches.

You probably should've seen that coming. I tell ya, he was fun at first, but now I'm not sure I can take much more of him living here. Well, Peter, you've more than paid back your debt to him. I mean, what did he do? He got you a hood ornament. If you ask me, it's time for him to go. Yeah, you're right. Plus, the sooner we get him out of here, the sooner I can get back to my cocaine and dollhouses.

Well, where did you work before? Circuit City. So, I haven't worked in, like, two years. Toby, I can't believe you took my kidney. You bastard! Sorry, Meg. Black market organs are big money and I promised my bosses a fresh kidney.

Getting shot doesn't get you out of here anymore. What? Yeah, we take whatever we can get. I mean, we got two dead guys guarding the ammunition.

Aw, lucky. But I'm not gay. Okay, I'm gay. (ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil! Neil is such a perfect name for a gay guy.

All right, you're gonna love this. So.... Hang on a sec. Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks--

She'll be somewhere safe, right? Like, you're not gonna put her with Sand People, right? You mean, like from Star Wars? (LAUGHING) No, no, no, no, no. Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one. Okay, thank you. Did you wash my car like I asked?

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it!

I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying.

Hey, dude. You want some of these? I say, here's the solution to my troubles. If I could build a device to harness the size of that leviathan, there's no limit to what I... Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth!

- Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai.

Just waiting for my breakfast... Lois! I know how to get her attention. Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me!

Oh, and, uh, Also, uh, i--I didn't bring this up before, but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them. You know, Brian, It occurs to me that this is like a Greek tragedy, where a man must choose between himself and his children. Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese." Ha-ha. We're ready for you, down the hall.

Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down!

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

Now get out of here.

Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled. Oh no, Peter, how could they do that? Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule.

Unless you 're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to f ha ve James Woods Someone to strive for Do or die for You ha ve James Woods

I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all.

Hey, I'm so excited that we're gonna be neighbors. We should totally hang out. Yeah, that'd be great.

I forgot my purse. All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them! Peter, what are you doing? Just--Just stall them, Lois!

(MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here.

I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no "J." Yo, man! That's trippin'! Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act?

Will that work, though? You taking da Vinci's place? Only one way to find out. All right, I'm going to send you back five minutes after we disappeared in the time machine. If all goes well, the universe should be intact this time. Good luck, old friend. Hopefully, I'll be leaving you a future to return to. I'm gonna miss you, Stewie. Good luck.

The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not. Um... Excuse me.

General Solo, somebody's coming! Luke, there you are! Where's Leia? Have you seen her?

Quick, Meg! Say something else! Well, okay. I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg.

They're just fun toys. Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter.

Damn, I lost him. All right cats, back in the bag. Come on, Fluffy. Come on, Mittens. Come on, Paul. What a ridiculous name for a cat. Paul. That's a person's name! A person's name. (LAUGHING) Oh, Paul.

and that you forget about, the second you leave the theater. I think Bradley would be perfect for that! Are you sure? Because we really need somebody who constantly seems like they're about to be big, but keeps not actually being big. Well, he'd really want to see the script, but I mean, that's what Bradley does. I don't know, we really need somebody, who has not been the best thing in anything he's ever been in, ever.

COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out.

You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?

Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly- line worker,

Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again.

Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it!

Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING) I'm Chris.

we got to sell some of my old stuff. What are these, Dad? Oh, wow! I haven't seen those in a while. Those are my old Playboys from the '70s. PETER: Oh, my God, this one's so hot. You can almost see a little bit of woman. Oh, Peter, you've got some pretty cool albums here. Yeah, well, I was one cool potato back in the day.

Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up.

It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia.

All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said... Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams.

(SCREAMING) Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one.

(YELLS) A swamp monster! Quick, Peter, sign this legal document giving the company back to Daddy, so you won't get eaten! I don't understand, but nothing makes sense in these swamp monster times. (YELLS) We did it, Daddy!

Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood. Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids to witness the plight of the Rebellion. Kids, you noticing all this plight? Roll 'em up!

Oh, Oh God! What the hell? I found it! I found the last scroll! He found it! Oh, my God!

It's about a relationship, right? No, no, it's obviously about the fear of growing old. You know, I think you're both kind of right. I guess I always thought it was about human limitation, both mental and physical. Okay, that... That just blew my face off. Well, I hope that helps. It does. Thank you so much, Miss Murray. This has been terrific. Hey, before we go, do you mind if I use your restroom?

Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

(SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!

but you'll never break my spirit! Damn! There must be some clue to the source of their mental-manipulation techniques. "Your Body and You. "Every 4 weeks for 3 to 4 days it's entirely normal for every young woman to--"

All right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces. Good. Now we wait.

Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies! I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow.

She's depressed 'cause she's in love with a man she can't be with. (BED THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS) Listen to that. Poor kid, banging her headboard into the wall out of frustration and loneliness. Probably got her legs up in sadness. (WATER RUNNING) Listen to her now, washing her face off in the sink after crying so much.

Come on. Everybody's done something they're not proud of. Like when I used to be a Wonder Twin. Peter, the old schoolhouse is on fire! Let's go! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form ofa hawk! - Come on, Peter. - Yeah, I'll be right behind you. Shape of Jayna's tampon.

What's his name? Yeah, I don't have a lawyer. And I'll tell you something about Dean Martin. He was the only guy on a golf course who had a five-iron with a cork on the end of it. So who wants to come back to the hotel and take a whack at my genitals?

You Will warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials only.

The elephant goes, "Fwaamp." Yeah, kind of.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

What? Peter, you can't play golf with O.J. Simpson. He's a murderer. You sound just like Lois. No, no, Joe. I don't believe you. Yeah? Well, say that after a soul-searching walk around town to Dust in the Wind. I close my eyes

(BOTH SCREAM) Luke, help me get this mask off. Let me look on you with my own eyes,

NARRATOR: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled.

Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention!

So that means you're Italian. Of course! My love for SpaghettiOs and smoking on the toilet. It all makes sense. Ew! My God, da Vinci is your ancestor. But why would Bertram go back this far to get rid of you?

Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it! Who else? (ALL LAUGHING) Loving... Loving family.

I have asked you here tonight so that you may perform a service. Ha, ha. W-What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack-off a guy? 'Cause I'm marrieD. Silence!

All right? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me. (CHUCKLING) So all we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we'll have our murder weapon, and if we're lucky, it may just mean we'll have our killer.

Shh! Just straightening out his pants a little. CHRIS: Oh, yeah, that's good. Don't give up if it rolls away. You scratch it. Scratch it. Yeah, thank you. Hello, I'm Helen Dougan.

Hey, who's that, your boyfriend? (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Yeah. Yeah, that's my boyfriend. Well, I'm happy for Meg. Why, because she finally has somebody?

What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident. Hey, guys. How you doing? Not so good, Peter. Yeah, me either. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland.

Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you? Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore, hamburgers, French fries, Cokes.

Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.

Yeah, so, going pretty good. I got six pacifiers now. That was a big nothing.

(CLANKING) Oh, my God, we did it! We struck gold! This is amazing! We're gonna be rich! Rich and gay. Come here.

And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick. W-where--Where are the bags? What the deuce do you mean? They're right... Rupert! I told you to watch the bags!

What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know. I see. Your silence says it all.

(OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here. But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs? That's not your concern. You didn't see anything. Remember that, or I'll ruin you.

What? Peter, where the hell have you been? Every time that we go to a hotel, you hide the key to the minibar from me. But I found it. I found it. Lois Griffin.

...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you. Ew!

Oh, my God! Road House!

(JOE SOBBING LOUDLY)

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that!

Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming.

Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind.

Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake. Sho' 'nough, I thought I'd go deef and dumb when I saw me that dead body. Cleve, calm down. You're not making any sense.

And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs.

No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth. You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. (CHUCKLES) Joyce, you know we don't talk about that on the air. Oh, my God!

And now, our final performance of the night. Let's hear it for Handful of Peter. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) In god's eyes, everybody's hot

We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse. Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop!

The pathway to enlightenment starts with an unfettered, focused mind. Look out! What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. It's a portal, an opening through which

Listen, thanks a lot for the-- Uh, Peter. I'm kind of busy right now. Oh, Yeah, that's ok. Well, uh, thanks-- So, where were we?

Camels for sale! This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays. Just had its knees replaced.

What a jackass. Well, you look a lot better. I did it, Brian! Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk. I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive. Yeah. How did you do that? I watched In The Cut. Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks.

Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well. Shut up! May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife.

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter.

There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

How you doing, kid? You look strong enough to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner. Thanks to you.

We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

I told you not to shoot. Well, you're not in charge. I am.

A much better idea than when I did magic for the blind. Is this your card? I don't know. Was it a red card? I don't know what red is. Ta-da.

I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you.

Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she is a photographer. You took a black and white picture ofa lawn chair and its shadow and developed it at Savon, you must be so brooding and deep. Knock it off.

Stewie, I know it was you. Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to.

Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil. Stewie, eat your oatmeal.

I'm sorry, Lois. I was a fool. I'm done with Kathy. Can you ever forgive me? (CRYING) Peter, settle down. Yes, I forgive you. Just as long as you're done with that stupid cutout.

Fred, this is not a date! All right, you're all done, Alexis. Well, What do you know? Once again, I finish first. Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car." Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! Oh, my God! NO!

All right, Now, we gotta be very crafty so Luke Perry doesn't recognize us. Aah! Peter, How the hell is he gonna recognize us? He doesn't even know who we are. Oh. Ha. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're right.

Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry!

Oh, and he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois. (WHINES) Dad, are you ready?

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother! How could you, you--

Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.

Well, perhaps I should take my thong elsewhere. Well, let's not be hasty. Your Majesty, won't you please join me as my personal guests in the Barrington Room? The Barrington Room? Peter, that's the most exclusive room in all of New England. Yeah, I hear it's even harder to get in there than the University of Arizona.

it sure has, diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, "go back where you came from." Uh, I don't think that's the expression. Yeah. I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway... Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching. Ha, I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning.

Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you. She's a Killer Queen Gunpowder, gelatine

Yeah, well, good luck with that. You know, I like your delusion, Brian. Most people would say, "I lost, I give up," but you, you just keep trying. You're like the Dominican Republic. Always killing the guy in charge and saying, "Ah, this new guy, this new guy's gonna get it right."

Good news! Good news!

I can't taste salt.

Hello? Is anybody up here?

I love slumber parties!

and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby,

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

Play your song, Melody Sheep, to aid the little ones' nourishment. But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written. "These were difficult times "for the children of Ipswich "when the lollipop famine "cursed their pleasant village."

Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob. I'm gonna tell Mom. (MACHINE ZAPPING) (GRUNTING)

Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide.

Murphy, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah,

Are you saying I'm not smart? You don't have to be.

Oh, Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force!

(TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE) Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother! You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Peter, Bonnie says Joe's been really depressed about that robbery. Why don't you go talk to him? Well, I don't know. There's a game on. Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up!

Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G?

I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall!

But this changes everything. I wanna be there for you, Meg. I love you. Will you marry me? Yes! Of course! Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am!

That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office. You kids are mighty smart. You must have a powerful good teacher. Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s.

Carter, is this true? Yes, it's true.

I picked this up on Dateline from that yummy exoskeleton, Maria Shriver. Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane!

Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia. This is fantastic. This is even better than they said it was in the brochure. Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig, but, come on, we're on vacation. Exactly. Don't hate yourself. We're on vacation, right? Yeah. I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid. Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,

Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

WHo am I kidding? I'll never get hER. Not with that attitude. Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson, and he was one of them toe-tapping Burgermeisters. You've gotta find a way to make it happen.

- Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there's only one guy to blame Mr. B-double-O-Z-E

We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house, so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.

Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor."

Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman?

She was in James' chair at the wrong time. And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise. The power outage provided a perfect cover. I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery,

Oh, Peter, that's good.

Eric? Peter? Oh, My God, I haven't seen you since high school. Yeah! God, What are you doing these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm the green guy. No kidding? Yeah, Yeah. Jeez, God. Hey, is that Stacy Beecham? Where?

Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out. Really? I thought he hated you. How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card. He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend. But instead, you're going to show up. You got it.

Yes, I can. How awesome is this? Going out to dinner with my new family. Hi, can I help you? I want... I want that one. All right, hold on, we'll get you that one. I want straws. We'll get you a straw. You want a kid's meal? No. - Do you mean "yes"? - Yes.

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down?

I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever.

JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me. My God! He's practically ruined me. I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something. We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me?

Why Peter look sad? Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid. No one buy wheel. Peter, you invent wheel? That big breakthrough. This maybe make you millionaire. Then how come no one buy Peter wheel? Maybe sales pitch not good enough. Brian help.

- I'm pregnant. - You... - You're what? - Yeah. We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show,

And now, please welcome Mr. Bruce Jenner. (ALL CHEERING) (FANFARE PLAYING THE STRIPPER)

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name.

Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month, as it is the 70th birthday of his mustache? Oh, I think we just send a nice card. Just make sure it has a mustache on it. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. What can we, as citizens, do about mustache awareness? Good mustache question. We have a new product in our mustache catalog that makes a great stocking stuffer. We call it the Must-Stash.

You did it, Dan. My God, you did it! Yes. Oh, my God. You did it. You did it.

Around the corner, fudge is made! You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!

If I were her, I'd be here every show. There's a kitty cat a-riding on the train Thanks, everybody. See you next week. Yay! He's a good singer. Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here. You should have been here, man. Those were the shows. Oh, looks like somebody made a friend.

thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself! So, when am I gonna diE? About 2 years after your wife divorces you. What the hell are you talking about? Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met. Oh, My God, that's me!

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool. Neil. Neil, not so fast.

Uh, But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up!

Trevor, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. I wasn't too nervous. When I am nervous I work out. I wasn't working out, so I must not have been nervous.

So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to--

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian.

I can't believe you drank 300 bottles of beer without succumbing to alcohol poisoning. Peter, are you a witch? Yeah. But don't tell anyone. The consequences could be dire!

I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money. Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you.

(MACHINE ZAPPING) Okay, Brian, I'm going to the IGA. Don't let Peter get into the cookie dough. Yeah, sure.

I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left.

it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

You will find There's nothing there to hide Take me as I am Take my life I would give it all

Hey, Dad. Mom says she was really on last night.

Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well.

PETER: So for the next 15 years, they raised a family in secrecy. Supper's ready! Come and get it, kids! You know the best part about being half-black and half-white? When I grow up, I'll be accepted by everybody.

"last night, pre-flight "zero hour "9:00 a.M. "And i'm gonna be high

Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run!

Look at me. I'm writing profanity on the wall! Water-soluble. No, Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! Oh! If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary.

Me, too, Lady Redbush. All those months I was without you I never stopped seeing your face in the back of my wife's head. And all those months I was sailing for the New World, I saw your face in every slave's stomach. Tell me we'll be together forever. We will. (BOTH GASP) I found him, Your Majesty. Indeed, yes, I did found him, did I.

Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig? Guys, you got to let us out of here. The real criminal's getting away. Yeah, the bastard's making a break for it, just like South America.

Well, No dessert for you, young man.

Well, sort of. I mean, we planned that lunch two weeks ago.

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse. How do you propose we settle this? - We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal.

Well, I'm not arguing that with you, I'm just saying there's a hole in the story. Did you like the movie? Well, that's not the point. Did you like the movie? Well, of course, I loved the movie, but, look, I'm no writer, but if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it. So, you didn't like the eagle. Well, no, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful,

Hello. My name is Blake Carrington. Oh! And this is my human, Gabe. Oh, no. What? We just moved in down the street and thought we'd stop in and say hi to our new neighbors. Well, great to meet you. Come on in. I'm Peter. This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi!

Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls.

Oh, well, I guess I don't have to be prepared for the competition. I need another pitcher over here. Wow! Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household. Well, How much harm can one more pitcher do? This is for the sake of art, right?

It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket.

What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.

Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries. (GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know.

Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him?

Oh, What the hell.

I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox. Classic cool. We're gonna do some toad. You in? You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud.

I hate you. I hate you, too. Look, Stewie.

Yeah! You're right, it is. Ha! Ha! Ha! Peter.

(BEEPING) CARTER: Hello? Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt? It's me, Peter. You remember how you said I'd never amount to nothing? (CLINKING) Is that a Mercedes?

Brian, it's so boring here. When are you coming back? BRIAN: I'll be back soon, Stewie. I gotta tell you, though, this seminar is great. I'm really learning a lot. I'll tell you all about it when I get home, okay? I'll talk to you later. Wait, wait, hang on, Brian! There was something else I wanted to tell you. - What? - Um... The mail came a little later than usual today.

Back to work, all of you! What's going on here? Uh, Dad, some of the guys think that since you took over, work is no fun. Work's not supposed to be fun. Why not? Why not? Why not? That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect,

So, it's a show about three hookers and their mom? This is very impressive, but my decision stands. No! Come on, buddy, you're leaving. No, I can't let Jasper down.

Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Wednesday, right? Yeah, it's Wednesday. - Oh! You know what? You know what? - What? I'm having some trouble getting up. Would you mind calling my nurse?

This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter?

I'll be Mark, And you ask me out to th-the box social, or whatever the devil it is you children do these days. Peter, don't! God, your hands are like ice!

Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

Come sit with me. O-Ok.

Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. What was that?

Excuse me, is this McSwiggen Village? Devil a man who'll say a word against it, hmm? Is that a yes or a no?

How did you get that? IT was e-mailed to me by your H.M.O. Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH? Oh, no. I don't want to bE A boTher. Hey, Is that turkey?

FLY: Okay, now where now? PETER: Right there. Right... I'm having some trouble here. PETER: It's right there! It's right in front of you! FLY: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left! No, that's not it. That's just more wall. PETER: How many eyes do you have, huh? FLY: Just two, same number as you, but you know... I'm not...

You know, I just bet there is. Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual! They're in place! God, it gets me hot when Joe lies to strangers. When I get him home, I swear to God I'm gonna grease up-- That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris. Here we go, Dad!

and you wasted it, wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water. (SHOWER RUNNING) Who's in the shower? Is it Donny? No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill. Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there.

STEWIE: This is fantastic. Nobody suspects a thing. Listen to my voice. That sounds cool. Hello. Pigs in Space.

Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy. That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat. I've wanted you to meet Dylan for a long time, Brian. Well, Brian, a son. How about that?

because I have been rather naughty. But you're a businessman, I'm a businessman. I'm sure we can work something out. Wait, what are you doing? Santa? You can't leave now! Hey, wait, buddy, buddy, we've been in line for, like, two hours.

Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable. Yep.

Don't ask me how I got it. I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met. So the very least you can do is just rub up against... I don't know. Well, if you want I can... No, no. No, no, it's fine. No. Whatever. Whatever. Just go to your wedding, man. (SPEAKING SPANISH) No. No. No. No. Take... Just get it out of here.

Yes, there you go. He's moving it forward. He's moving it forward. See, Peter? Now tap Peter. Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet.

Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it. Okay, now I get it.

I have wronged each and every one of you in some way. And, since I am a man of God now, I am truly repentant. So, I invited you all here to make amends.

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

It's big, isn't it? Yes, Peter. It's very big. Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah.

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings.

(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) What the hell was that? My catchphrase. You don't have a catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Why you gotta say like that? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me. Would anyone like to play Stratego? I have Stratego.

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.

I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?"

Mom? Dad? Mom? Is anyone there?

I know a lot of you are already on my side. And for you naysayers, I have 2 strong words for you. Come on! Come on! OkAy. Yeah, Okay. - sure. All right. - Done.

Ok, Ok. I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift. What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.

We'll start with Quagmire's. Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers! I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em?

including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt. All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, but I will lead you to freedom. Now, Jews, ho! Here we are, the Red Sea.

You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home

Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are?

The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD.

A melan-collie.

Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there. Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan,

Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say? Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss. Aw, Jeez, This isn't another one of those interventions, is it?

Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian, this move is really working out great. It just feels right, you know. Cool. Rock on, Brian. Okay, done. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion.

Damn it, Helen. Get the hell off my back or so help me... So help me... Don't worry. I hear they have great makeup sex.

I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

Hello, M.T.V., Um, I think I would be perfect for The Real World . Uh, Because I speak my mind and not everyone likes that. Uh, But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy.

Wow. Hey, little sis.

Oh, my God! I won! I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free! As she coming back? " don't know.

some of the guys thought we should get a divorce. What? (STAMMERING) But I told them they didn't know what they were talking about. Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself. And then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn.

Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

(SLURRING) We interrupt this program because I have had kind of a crap day, and I know all the station passwords to do it. So, smell that finger, Quahog! Ooh, a drunk news report from Tom Tucker.

No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change. Damn right I do! Now, get this turd-filled sack off... Oh, my God, it just went back in my body.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quahog? My nephew's in the play. God, can't you go anywhere these days without these damn paparazzi? (SIGHS) PETER: Where you going? Oh, you going to the bathroom? You going to have a close encounter of the turd kind? (PETER LAUGHING) Hey, I think you're gonna need a bigger boat! (LAUGHS) These jokes are for you, Peter, when you watch this tape in the future.

Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally. Get Lois on the phone, have her wire us some money, and let's get the hell out of here. Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty. yech.

Morning theater fans! Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. What the hell is this? French toast.

Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

Peter, what are you doing? Quiet, Brian. I'm performing a psychic reading. Peter, for the last time, you're not psychic. I most certainly am.

Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right. It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants!

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God! Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well.

Sir, are we ready to order? Whoa, whoa, Hold on a second. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Well Sure I do! Opera's bitchin'! Um, Ok. I guess I'll have the es-car-got and a glass of chab-liss. Same here. Es-car-got and the chab-liss.

All in a day's work. Remember, If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone. Hugh Downs away! Aw, Honey, thank God you're safe! We were so worried. We now go to Junior Anchor Neil Goldman With exclusive Channel 5 footage from today's exciting scene.

No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

Are you ready? You better believe it. (PLAYING BAKER STREET SOLO) Oh, Peter! Yeah. Now your turn. And do it how I like. (GIGGLES) Okay.

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

(SCREAMING) Das poop!

Look, Peter, you do what you want to do, but I'm going to that party. My life isn't over. It's just beginning.

That's a fine machine, Peter. Peter, how can we afford this? Let's just say the car was a steal. Say that again. The car was a steal. This time without winking. The car was a steal. Wink. Peter. Look, Lois. We had a broken car. I did "something,"

What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise?

(TRAIN APPROACHING) Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING)

(CRYING) They got him. They finally got him. Geez, Joe, you okay? (SOBBING) Here, use my handkerchief. It's wet and cold. Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day.

Look into your heart, babe

Hey, did you guys see O? No, that seemed lame. You know, the other you was a lot more fun. Which one is O? Is that the swimming one? Don't try to demean it. How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?

Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade," as it's pronounced, Brian, as long as I see fit! Oh! Oh! Shh!

Right on the refrigerator. That way, we'll get to see it every day.

I'll take one. Me, too. Hey, give me one of those. I look forward to having a raging semi. Wow, Peter. You're going into the publishing business? Yeah. Mr. Pewterschmidt gave me $5 for these Xeroxes, and I haven't looked back.

I'm married to Brian. Oh, that's right. How inappropriate of me. Well, I guess, I should be going. - Lois, Lois, do you-- do you have a magnet in your head? - What? You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! I know, about the water, right? Wow, cool. Hey, Chris, come here. What? Why? Just come here. What is it, Dad? Does it feel like the water suddenly just got warmer? No. Oh, that's right. It's pee that makes it warmer. Peter, the water's rising fast!

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky! (GROANS) Quagmire, how would you like to help me commit suicide?

I don't have that kind of money!

I...uh... I misspoke.

So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. Sarah, Sarah... I don't--

No, it's okay. I have a dog.

Look, dinner's just about ready. Why don't I get you seated in the dining room and then we'll pour the wine? All right, new arrivals. There's only one way you're not getting on that train. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love? Mmm? Write this down, you toad-faced frump. I love pancakes!

(FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that? PETER: Then, over millions of years, evolution took its course.

I got to punch him... You got to punch him more. Hey, you ever check Joe's Facebook? Ugh, I know. Awful. "Hitting Cheesecake Factory again. So amped." And then the symbol that means "wink." Really? I mean, like, why the wink? I mean, is there something that we're supposed to be in on?

Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall. The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it.

You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh!

Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..." - You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be ready in five minutes.

Nude? Yes. We're nudists. Permission to freak out? Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here!

Take my heart and please don't break it Love was made for me and... (SCREAMS)

Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me.

STEWIE: Who is this book for? (LOIS READING) STEWIE: Ugh, that was absolute garbage. Read it again! Hey, Lois. I'm home from the Clam.

But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused. I'm not confused. I've never been more certain about anything in my life. I need him. Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're...

Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. 7-Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what? I'm not gonna need the V8, because I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay.

Come on, guys, this is trespassing and it's against the law. Maybe we should just let The Clam go and, I don't know, spend more time with our families. Yeah, I tried that. I just spent most of the time testing Chris to see if he's autistic. (WAILING) Not overly affectionate.

That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy. Lois would never cheat on me. I trust her completely.

Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house? Oh, God! You're a monster. I'm beautiful on the inside. Yeah, but, Rocky, there's a limit.

Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays.

"But he didn't listen to them 'cause he's his own man.

Y-You know, if you said "mallard" and you had a cold, it would sound like "Ballard". Do you listen to yourself when you talk? I drift in and out. you know, Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary. Oh--oh, You don't believe me? Here. Look it up! What? What's that? It really isn't?

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you. I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done.

I ate a tube of Crest for dinner!

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity! (MONKEY SCREAMING)

See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean?

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here.

And all the passengers screaming around here! And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said, "Oh, the humanity" before, but seriously, "Oh, the humanity" even more right now!

Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own. Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.

Big Fat Paulie? Ah! My name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight. Big Fat Paulie? How dare you? Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson!

Peter, what the hell?

That's kind of nice. I guess I could understand that. Now that you're here in front of me, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Well, then who the hell is... Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house.

Uh-huh. Without a leash. I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down! Oh. I don't believe this. I don't suppose you could let us off with a warning? Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good. The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me?

Oh, This is cute. Oh, my God.

Okay, guys, I got one. Would you rather get a massage from a man, or surgery from a female doctor? Wow. Like, minor surgery? No, serious surgery. Like a blown kidney or something. Geez. Good question, Peter. - Is the man gay? - No. Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian?

Man, who knows? It's just so good to be out of there. Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you. I mean, what is going on with this country? I mean, wake up, America. I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right? About the taxes? You know? Yeah, taxes are pretty high.

PETER: Hey, Stewie. You got a minute for your daddy?

No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE. I'm in big, big trouble! Jeez, You're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of? WheRE The hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA.

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Yee, would your people really do this?

If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd be dead right now. Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris? Okay, Mom. (PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs! (PLAYS OFF-KEY)

- Yeah? - That's right. Every Friday night, I'm a clearance-sale area rug. Boy, I hope somebody buys me. I'd look swell in their den.

You have to leave in a wheelchair. (SIGHS) JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!

I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him. Here. Right-- Right this way. Watch your step. Ok, they're in the woods.

from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other? Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils.

Dad, look! Here they come! Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in! What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there.

Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave.

Give me a kiss. I don't want to!

Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing?

Right, quite right. Spot on. He's got it.

(GASPS) - Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell?

Suck on that, Quagmire. Yeah, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well. Oh, my God! What does it look like? You know, not half bad. Nothing you'd look twice at, but not bad.

Mr. Griffin, chillax. We're doing the best we can. There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker. " could be a ditch digger? A motel maid? I could be a hooker? Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker.

Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it.

Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz.

Where... Where am I? We're at the playground, Brian. I kidnapped you. You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives living right here under the slide. Stewie, what the hell? Are you out of your mind? I most certainly am not! I know what you're planning to do, and I won't allow it!

You know? Yeah. I mean, we have feelings. We're people. Right. It's like they all have the same mindset. It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah. And there's so much more to life than that. Twenty feet that way, please.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS) (THUDS)

And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.

Sorry, Chris. I'm gonna go with him.

What was that? Nothing. One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours. Here you go, little buddy. Hey, look at me! I'm Pele! I'm Pele! Goal! Where the hell is he going? He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

Joke's on you. I already got it.

but you do believe in the power of prayer. That's right. And through the years, when there was disease or infection, people of good faith would pray to God for a cure. Yes. It's what we do. Well, then isn't it possible that penicillin, vaccines and antibiotics are all actually answered prayers?

No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering. You know, this cost me $437,000. Don't ask me how I got it. I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met. So the very least you can do is just rub up against... I don't know. Well, if you want I can...

turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one!

How is he, Doctor? Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe. I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour. Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I don't know if you can hear me right now,

Peter, enough with the storytelling. We gotta get outta here! They're gonna kill Meg! Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body.

Well, it's getting late. I should probably go. Brian, this is, like, our sixth date. I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something. No, I... Oh, my God, I'm so attracted to you. I... So why haven't we done anything about it? I just... You know, sometimes, taking things slower is better. Just ask any sloth.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

He was wearing a Jimmy Carter mask like the robber in that Keanu Reeves movie. The Matrix? No, No. It wasn't that recent. It was the One where they were jumping out of a plane. Executive Decision? no, That was with Kurt Russell. But The other guy in this movie, he kind of looks like Kurt Russell.

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit!

Then that's Shatner. That's Lubbins. That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. Now, That's Shatner. When I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup, sitting on that rock. He is the biggest dork on the planet. Oh, Totally. And so, Because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard.

(CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY) Thanks for the ride, Bandit. Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail. Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do. Where the hell are we?

(ALL GASPING) I'd show you the ring, but it's under the splint. My finger fell down the stairs. You're getting married? Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"?

Game over, man! Game over! Uh, Damn it!

"I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes. "A man cannot steal, but it accuseth him "A man cannot swear, but it checks him "A man cannot lie with his neighbor's..." Hey, Peter, what you got there? Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do something fancy with my falcon. Oh, falcon. Cool. Hi, falcon.

Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not. So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What?

Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony.

- Hello. - That's not funny!

Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus.

Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom. Look, I won a balloon! Oh, way to go, Chris. Hey, Where's my watch? All right. I won a watch. What's The Dukes of Hazzard? Hey, That's mine. Come on. Come on, give that back! Come on! Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a good long time.

Hey, Meg, what's with all the beer cans? My dad got a job at the brewery and he gets lots of free beer. Actually, he's kind of been going overboard lately. - Oh, my God! - Hey, Meg, you seen my pants? Lois, by the way, we're out of toilet paper.

I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Sorry, I forgot my prescription mouthwash. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God. What are you watching? That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there.

Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

(YELLS) (SCREAMS)

Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages."

I thought I could win money in that talent show.

Not possible. The activation phrase was something that no one would ever think to utter. What is it? The phrase is, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." You see, the U.S. government believes that one of these sleeper agents is right here in Quahog. Now, you two individuals live here. Are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely?

Yeah, okay, Lois. Are you listening? Yeah. What did I just say? Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15. I heard it! All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did.

PETER: I don't know, Bonnie. It's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine.

Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world.

Either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. (LOUD SNORTING) PETER: Ah! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner! BRIAN: Peter, let go of me! PETER: I need to go find a screwdriver and some lighter-fluid. BRIAN: What? Come on! (SCREAMS) BRIAN: Damn it! So what are we gonna do for family night?

And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote? Hey, honey, guess what? I got back the money for Meg's glasses. Really? Oh, honey. Ah, Hello. This is my special friend, Max Weinstein.

Twelve. Oh... Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in. Now, we all saw you put your card back in the deck. So how did it end up in your shirt pocket? Oh, my God, how did he do that? Oh, no, there's Quagmire.

Hey, guys! guys, Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky. Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me? I'm with my husband! Lose the zero, get with the hero. Little violent for you, don't you think? Heh! I'll be right over there.

Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch.

Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you. How come you never told us you dropped out of college? I saw an after-school special about that. It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol.

Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride. Oh, come on, you can't expect me to ride that thing. Sorry, we're short on horses. You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke. - Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry.

Wait a second. I don't want this guy anywhere near this show! He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity!

(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, my God! You're Robin Williams! Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine!

Suspect number two, he's the one who raped me. All right. All but number two are free to leave. Ma'am, I know that you're going through a difficult time right now,

Go on. No boys allowed. Jeez, Lois! Still with the piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here? Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how... You're like the idiot from Shine!

I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

I'd find that one person who would make me whole. Thanks, Mr. Quagmire. You don't have to thank me. Now, get on out of here, you little scamp. All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what?

Hey! Peter, what the-- It's the vibration. Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? Yeah, That's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. Some brother just fell in the ocean. Oh, God! I remember that. And all those seals died.

(VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY) (DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY) (LIVELY TUNE BEGINS)

Chris, have you... Have you been drinking? Yes. Have you been aging? I want you two to do it right in front of me, and I'm gonna throw 40 bucks on your sweaty bodies when you're done. Let's see the money.

There it is. Dad, watch out! aah!

I can't believe I let Meg take the blame. You were right, Lois. T.V. is evil. I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.

text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.

You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends. The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste. Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it! Look here. You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up! Interesting.

Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.

ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now.

(CARS HONKING) We're never going to get up there. I wonder what's causing all this traffic. Oh, boy. Yep, there's the problem. Not drawn yet.

Is she over there right now? We should go take a look. No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott. Oh, damn! I was just there. Really? Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida.

Land mines? Land mines. It was land mines. Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire.

Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher? It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment! What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored?

Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum. In addition, from this day forward,

Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on! Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.

Rodman lost? You sure you're not thinking of MC Hammer? No, no, I think... Well, him, too. I read somewhere, I think it was in like, like Stuff, or is it... No, no, no. You know what, it was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah. You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money.

Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

Hey, Dad, what are we doing here again? Pigs, Chris. We're getting pigs for Stewie's petting zoo. Crafty swine. U.P.S. Heh, Little bastards ain't as smart as...

See this? Yeah. You know what it is? Duh, it's an apple. Good, good, good. All right, watch this. What the... What is this? Is this some kind of gag? - No. That's orbit. - Huh? You have your own gravitational pull. Oh, that's a bunch of crap.

All right, class, two things today. I'm no good at math, and I don't have a certificate to teach driver's ed, so I hired a math tutor and a driver's ed guy. Okay, so, do you use my car, or do you have, like, a special one you brought? Umm, I'm the math tutor. Really? No way! So that means you're the... Driver's ed instructor, yes. Well, I'll be a son of a gun!

Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, trust me. How many times have I done this before? All right, but be careful.

TV HOST: And now back to Old People Agree With Arnold Palmer. Tomato soup, grilled cheese, and a weak cup of tea... is the best lunch in my book. undefinedHe's right. " enjoy things I remember. Peter, I'm off to my book club.

It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what?

JOAN: Mr. Griffin, this is unbelievably humiliating. Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the store and the car's low on gas.

Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin? (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Wow. There are all kind of manner of crazy monsters in here. Yeah, and they added even more for the special edition. Hey, what are you guys doing here? (GROWLING) Artoo, play him the message.

Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent! Sweet. Hey, Let me try.

Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.

Great, rolling blackouts.

No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

I guess none of us are perfect. Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J. You see, none of us are perfect. (PEOPLE CHEERING)

All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

He's got my neck! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! My dog is dead!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Ahh! Well, well. Naptime appears to be over. Go ahead! Finish me off! My one regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman. What the-- How the devil do you know about Lois?

Actually puts me in the mind to write a spoken word poem. Am I falling or am I flying? Am I living or am I dying? O, Great Spirit, free me from the bonds of gravity and criticism. Deliver me from my greatest enemy.

Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil." "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile." "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics!

I was going to the bathroom, and I just couldn't stop looking at my penis, 'cause it's, you know, so fantastic.

Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose? Here, baby. I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about. Brian, would you-- Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs! Wait! Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite! Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now?

Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No.

Big Fat Paulie? Ah! My name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight. Big Fat Paulie? How dare you? Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson!

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, authorities are still searching for the culprits in a series of horrific acts of destruction all across... Scroll down, guys. ...the globe. That could've fit on there. There was a long space at the end of that line.

Oh, Come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs. Oh, He's behind the door! Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS.

What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready. Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman? You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam. Are you saying I asked for this to happen? You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case,

Ach! Unsere Unterseeboot sind stehlen mit eine dog und baby und Art Garfunkel!

We need more "E's" and "W's" down here now! MAN: We're trying! We're running out of letters! Just turn the "M's" upside down and send them down here! MAN: You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can... I don't care! I'll take the heat! Just turn them over and send them down!

sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight. Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter. Well, that's great, Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.

Oh, That's it! Peter, you're suffocating me with your jealousy. I can't take it anymore. I'm calling a marriage counselor. I mean, I can't even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out! What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much!

Peter, what are you...

Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.

Tell me tell me tell me do you love me do you love me...

Any other questions? Let's do this. That wasn't a question. Back of the line. Okay, let's do this. JOE: Hey. Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation. Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois.

(BOTH GASP) My God, look at all this devastation. What the hell happened? (CHICKEN CLUCKING)

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike. What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right?

HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP! Ow! Ow! Ow! Brian! 5.3 seconds. I could have been dead by now! what, you mean--You mean, you're not really-- I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents!

It's just something I was wondering if you and your husband would participate in. I'm totally dreaming right now. Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants. Well, Naomi, whatever it is, I'm sure we'd be happy to help. Oh, my God. I don't believe it! I'm gonna have a three-way!

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho! We're fucked. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run!

(SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that!

Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down on my way to give a speech about how T.V. keeps families together. Would you like to hear it? No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar. Wait a minute! I love schnitzel! Come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen.

We should probably note that that is not a photo of Charles Yamamoto. That's another overweight Asian guy, but you get the idea.

We're now down to our final two competitors, Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate."

Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el. That's a great costume, Joe. Are you FDR? No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz. Oh, you mean, like, if he dove into the shallow end? No. Regular Mark Spitz. Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach? No, I'm Mark Spitz! He won seven gold medals! Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum, P.I.

- He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now. He almost died. Listen, Peter, I...

Hey, Quagmire. What a coincidence! You and me just running into each other. How're you doing? Fine. Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass. And from the looks of it, she likes it rough.

PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!

Yeah, that's the joke.

You do what you want, Brian, but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard! Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice. You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist. (LAUGHING) Really, Brian? He doesn't exist? That's right, he's not real. Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian.

(LOUD CHEERING) And now a few words from Lois Griffin herself. Thank you so much for coming, everyone, and thank you for always cheering me on at all my fights. WOMAN: Hey, Griffin! (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson! Who's that?

Jeez-Its, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good." But don't take my word for it. Think of me when you eat this. I'm delicious. That was Jesus who just said that. You know what? You can keep your Paris, France.

You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on! A new-- A new world! A better world! A German world! Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Yeah! We will emerge as the dominant people!

Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either. That Martian wants a fight, he'll get a fight. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old! Hey, look what Rocky bought me with his money. Freaking Joe with his home theater. Has to top everything I do.

There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again.

(EXCLAIMING) DREYFUSS: We talked into the night, the kind of talk that seemed important until you discover girls.

what books like these suggest is actually damaging to a large, gullible segment of the population. Yeah, aren't you a sitcom writer? I'm an author. I have contributed to the zeitgeist. Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means? If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana, which is a girl's name, and I'm...

Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

(TIRES SQUEALING) We made it! Hallelujah! Get some! Well, guess there's nothing left to do but watch the end of Last Holiday.

Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together. Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow! Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton.

Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan! I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.

I do it for you Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes. Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.

but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy? Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative. I smell a sitcom! I suggest you start packing immediately. I can't believe I have to change schools because of you!

it may just mean we'll have our killer. All right, from this moment forward, nobody leaves the group. Joe's right. Everyone huddle up. Good. Now, we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one. Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer. All clear? ALL: Yeah. Yeah.

Giggity. Giggity. (MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus." It's supposed to be "Jesus," right?

Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology, we'll show you how disastrous it could have been. Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school.

Okay, so what do you think you can bring to our group, guys who have been in the country almost long enough to not have accents? Well, friend, if you're looking for fun times, we're the males for you. (CHUCKLES) You said it to him, mick. Last night we went to club and it was totally bitches. Oh! We had to wait in line for, like, 0.7 hours,

Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS. Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No.

What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day. None of them serve breakfast all day. Do they have beer?

(SCREAMING) Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man.

I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.

I'm just glad I stopped before I did a really terrible thing. Terrible thing? What terrible thing? Well, like I said, I changed my mind. I didn't do it. But, um... I was kind of gonna roofie you. What? What is wrong with you?

No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.

(ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy. Oh, my God. It was him! It was James Woods! He killed her! Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives!

Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph. Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here.

You son of a bitch!

My time machine has been activated. Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not.

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns. (SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Halloween is fun. (GROWLING) (GIRL SCREAMING) What was that? (GASPS) Oh, my God. I knew this day would come. Rupert, we're under attack by monsters!

MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens.

Ahh! I am a man-eating tree. Go back to New York, or I will eat you. Just like I ate insane New York anchorman Dan Rather. Ptew! And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Ptew!

and then who's the one who's prepared? I've also got a map of Middle-earth, a cat doing a pull-up, and the guys from Primus. These poster jokes doing anything for you? Eh, hit and miss. We should hang out more. I need her love. I need her love, and she's ignoring me. Well, let's see her try to ignore this.

You know, Brian, you and I should do... No. Okay, it just... It looked fun. All right, time to make all those popular kids pay for ignoring me! (COCKS GUN) Peter, no, you're just a normal high school kid.

You owe us a body! What? Uh, Excuse me for a minute. You pretended Chris was dying to save a T.V. show? You're a monster! Thank you. Peter, You tell that man the truth!

Oh, boy! Mom, can I keep him? Well, it's a big responsibility, Chris. That means you'll have to clean up after him and feed him. What do you eat? Attention. I like your hair. Still hungry. You have a beautiful speaking voice. I'm full. Let's see, I guess 185 pounds.

(SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING) Joe, I need to use your bathroom. Sure, Peter. What the hell? How do you even...

What the hell is all this? Oh, Brian, you're here. Good. Okay, let me give you the rundown. This is your work area. Please keep personal knickknacks tasteful. You get 25 minutes for lunch, and.... Enjoy it here. Welcome aboard.

Stewie, I need your urine! (GASPS) Really? Yeah. Joe is doing a drug test, and if I give him some of mine, he's gonna know I've been smoking pot. So I need some of your urine, so I can... Uh, you don't have to be naked for this. But I don't have to not be naked for it, either. Aha!

and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

Hey, Dad! Check out my abstinence ring.

What... What... What... What are you reading? Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. You know, I'll admit it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying... Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still!

Don't talk to mother in like fashion! That's it. The belt is coming off.

Ugh! I hate wet-dog smell. Me, too. Yeah, we're a cat family ourselves. You wanna see some photos, Brian? We've got two Persians and a tabby. (GROWLS) Are you okay? Oh, he's fine, he just has a little throat thing, residual smoke from the fire, you know?

Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie.

All right, there they are. All right, boys, it's candy time. Let's dig in. Okay, Brian, let's do this. Give me a boost.

Can this day get any more stressful?

It's a chicken that has been yelled at for two hours and then run over by a Mercedes.

- Can I go in that direction? - Yes.

FRAMPTAL TROMWIBBLER: From the world of sport, the Contein Spinky Whompers flumped the Floing Boing Welfenclumpers, 70 fluff to 40 flabe. At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad. (TONE SOUNDING) I'm not sure about any of that. You know, Dad, I saw that movie White Noise, and they said you can use empty radio static to talk to dead people.

I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM! Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster?

But it does make you cry. I know. (BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But.... So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later... you know, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you.

No one's talking to you, Albania. Is there a problem back there?

Says, "A-oh, a-oh, oh-a, oh-a-oh!" I'm losing money, and it's your dog's fault.

Listen, these new legs have given me my life back. I want to do all the things I could never do when I was handicapped. And you guys are my best friends. I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe. Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away. Whee! (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) Really? Wow, thank you! This is great. Now I won't have to become a Mary Kay saleswoman. So, what makes these shampoos different from the ones at the supermarket? These shampoos have been in my car.

At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean thanks to the efforts of newly-elected Mayor Lois Griffin. We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story. Thanks, Tom. Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog, and we're here with their reactions.

Nothing, Chris. All the shows are in widescreen now, so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before.

I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, ifl could... I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people... for a pre-determined period of time...

LOIS: (WHOOPS) Quahog! That's my family. My wife daytime-drinks on vacation. Rhode Island, huh? I never got that name. It's not an island, and there's roads everywhere. So what gives? I watched very TV show in the 80's, sir, and I don't know who you are. Okay, Peter, let's hear what you've got.

If you plopped me in the middle of a high school,

Party song Does not attract attention Suggests a good time Gina, have you seen Chris?

You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes. Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan.

Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision.

Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt. Did Peter have a stroke? No, Daddy. Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Oh, So I should treat him like a high-class whore. That's fine. Just no kissing on the lips.

Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly? I'm sorry, Karina. If only you were a boy. But I am a boy. DAN: Okay, everybody, we're live in five! You'd better get out there.

Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more!

Great, Lois. Just...great. You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you... lubed up...toothpaste in my...cherry... Episcopalian... extension cord... wetness... with a parking ticket. That is the best.

'Cause if you use toad then I'm telling you

he turned the house into a giant puppet. Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Well, it's getting late. I should probably go. Brian, this is, like, our sixth date. I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something. No, I... Oh, my God, I'm so attracted to you. I...

(BANGING ON DOOR) Hey! Hello! Hello, somebody! We're trapped in here! You're wasting your breath. These bank vault doors close automatically at the end of the workday. This thing won't be open again till tomorrow. Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think!

- What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know a little bit about who I am. Thanks for the milk, Carl. What the hell? $400? My God, this is a bigger ripoff than Peter's Sounds of the Rainforest CD.

So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid.

Like A bunch of renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony

Hey, there's Renee Zellweger. Hey, Renee, how you doing? Hey, Brian! This is my agent, Richard. Hey, good to meet you. How's Bradley? Renee dates Bradley Cooper.

Drink this, honey. It'll bring your fever down. I'm gonna go run you a cool bath. She's one of them! I'm sure of it!

the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY) Okay, look, I'm happy to do that.

A ha! Hold my purse! What's Mom doing? I'll tell you what she's doing. She's screwing up my 6-2 quinella. Damn it! My Nose in front, followed by Sea Biscuit,

No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me. You love me, and you know it. Hey, hey, mouth, young lady. Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? (RAZZING) Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg!

Now that you've felt a woman's pain,

(GUN FIRING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Peter, you're a complete slave to your father's religion. What about your religious beliefs, huh? You have a choice, you know. " do? Of course. You're a grown man. - You can pick any religion you want. - Really? You know, Lois, maybe you're right.

I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower. The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention?

Sweet Stewie, roll Hi, Anthony. Hi, Mrs. Griffin. You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately,

but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!

They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING) And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot!

and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell. It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma. Come here, babupka. Let me put your fingers in my mouth.

H-Hold on a second. Airport, please.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today."

I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you. Oh, My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself. Ahh! My device! My teeth!

Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding. License and registration, please.

You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad. Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud.

So I'll take da Vinci's place and pass it on. Wait, how did you get that from "bowels"? Huh? I'm just wondering how you got that from... You know what? I don't care. Will that work, though? You taking da Vinci's place? Only one way to find out. All right, I'm going to send you back five minutes after we disappeared in the time machine. If all goes well, the universe should be intact this time.

Oh, my God, what are they doing?

(CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

Great. Well, all right, good night. - (DOG BARKING) - Ugh! Our stupid neighbor's dog barks 24/7. God, I hate dogs. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yeah. They're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards. I'm just not really a dog person, I guess.

Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman! Spectacular performance, maggot! How'd you like to come on the road with us as our lead jouster? Thanks, but no thanks, Coach.

Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT? I'm busy. Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you. I-I don't know if you remember, but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later. Damn rookies.

Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark. West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows

For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.

Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it. I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money.

Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter? Oh. I just had the strangest dream.

Just like Inspector Gadget forgot about that one-night stand. Suzanne, we have to talk. Okay. Someone has made contact with me. Someone from my past, and, well, long story short, go, go, Guatemalan son.

Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy. Glenn, we are so thrilled for you. Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back,

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes. - Bye, Mom. - Bye!

All right. Now, remember our story. We tell Lois that we both stayed all night. I caught the ghost with my lasso. And I punched him so hard, he ran crying all the way back to Hell! She'll have to believe that. It hangs together so perfectly.

but that's gonna change. It's gonna be different from now on. And I'm gonna make you into a better person, starting first thing tomorrow. Just passing through. See anything you like, speak up.

because I really do care about you, and I feel like we had a connection. But I can't get over the fact that you lied to me. You screwed up, Brian. And now you're going to have to watch me walk out that door.

Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial. But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot. I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign.

MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off! Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt!

It all began in Africa in the tiny village of Quahogswana where he was a proud member of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair. Hey, Quagdingo, how was your date last night? Oh, it was awesome. You never feel as big as you do with a pygmy. Hey, you guys wanna go get a drink at Club 227?

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Oh, he's perfect. Time of birth, 11:34 a.m. Come on, Brian, hurry. (ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina.

Lois, you do know that's permanent? Good. Then that means my ass is gonna look young forever. Guys, I, uh... I gotta go shoot one into the sink.

I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha."

(MAN 1 GRUNTING) MAN 2: Harder! Ignore that, that's not part of the play. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler... MAN 1: This isn't love, by the way.

(SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING) Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny.

MAN: Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on The Family Man! - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? CAROL: What? MAN: I forget. And besides, Brian, the evidence is all right in front of your nose.

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay.

Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one! Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in.

Don't touch me down there ALL: Hey there, fruity You're gay and I don't approve ANNOUNCER: And many more.

(PANTING) How you feeling, Lois? She... She's too... She's too strong, Joe. I don't stand a chance out there. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. I held your hand during childbirth, I watched you raise three kids on a shoestring budget, you never gave up then, and you're not giving up now!

I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him. - Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just.... You know, since Peter went blind... it's actually been kind of nice not to have to worry about my appearance. I see. Is it really noticeable? Well, a little mascara wouldn't kill you.

Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

Ok, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold, and--and there's gonna be wind, and people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops. How awful! Oh, no.

Hey, fun party last night, Joe. You guys, I got something to tell you. The weirdest thing happened to me at that party. I got kissed by this chick cop. No way! What's she look like? Is she hot? Well, I don't know. Is Elizabeth Perkins hot? (STUTTERS) I... I don't know. Way to go, Joe! Did you bang her?

Gattaca! Gattaca!

How are you liking the program so far? What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building. This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have, my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge.

What? What? Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

That's awesome.

Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What?

All the shows are starting to run togetheR. This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H". Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

He's back. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. Steve, do something. Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle. Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs.

Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk.

Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman. " don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody. Sold.

(HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass. Hey, don't call me names, Kyle. Hi, Kyle. Mmm. Well, listen. It was wrong of you to steal my customer away from me.

Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Everyone, meet Jeffrey, the newest member of the Club of Forgotten Children. Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low

There's so much... I... (SOBBING) Thank you, Quagmire. Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words.

You know, some-- some people think that dandelions are weeds.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.

There you go. There you go. Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest.

FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage. Oh, my God! Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? Is this an eyeglass lens? I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this. (SCOFFS) Gay marriage.

Meg, wanna dance? I was here first. Meg, dance with me? Hey, you! Get into my car.

MAN 3: The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Oh, that's why they call it that. All right. The cat's gotta be in here. Hey, let's take a man-sized poop in his cat box,

- What did I just say? - I'm sorry.

Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon, I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

You don't win. You just do a little better each time. Okay, everybody, time for paintball. I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared.

You know, I've been coming to this church for years. I've heard all the stories. Who did Jesus hang around with?

My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once." My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" We didn't measure! We dIdN't measure! Amazing, Peter. You've inspired The whole neighborhood to work together.

Oh, Great, 'cause I could use some. no, no--No, don't! I--i just ran out.

dead animals, methane, standing water and diesel exhaust. But that's kind of a mouthful, so, for short, we call it fresh air. Wow, look at us, Brian, frontier people. I feel like those miners who first struck gold in San Francisco. (CLANKING) Oh, my God, we did it! We struck gold!

Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest. You're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter. No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law. And there was that time I took a whiz in public.

"Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?

And you know, I'm not gonna give you... I'm not gonna give you the definition right now just for your satisfaction. You know, Brian, I don't think you're in a position, really, here to pull rank on anybody. I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy. I don't think he's ever done anything as laughable as this book. Look, all right, well...

You know what? This is what I want our empire to be about. The first television broadcast. (PLAYING SERENE TUNE)

(ALL CLAPPING) All right, let's get this meeting underway. For our first order of business, we'll go to Bruce. Oh, hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We've got lots of exciting topics here tonight.

For example, you're all shooting up. Why not share needles? That's a no-brainer.

Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man. God, I hope Alan doesn't find out. Hey, forget that klutz. Hmm. Maybe this one. Hey. Looking at you pretty normal, huh? No! Ah, fudge. Wait, I know!

You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house! Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec? Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue! If that isn't a middle finger to society, I don't know what is. I don't like it anymore. I wish I'd colored him red.

You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth, we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

Wow, Jesus Christ at our dinner table. I still can't get over it. I'm actually glad you're all here tonight. I want to tell you that one of you will betray me. (LAUGHING) Just kidding! (LAUGHS) He's doing that thing he did in the storybook.

Oh, No! Here comes Steve! I haven't forgot about you boys! Saturday night at midnight, you're dead! All of you are dead! Midnight on Saturday? Thank God! We can still be in the talent show! From the top, boys.

Ok. Listen, uh, Thanks for letting me use the phone. Thanks for Spaceballs.

Where's my money? Don't you walk out on me!

No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night.

Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here.

What's the guy from Earl's credit rating? Six fifty-one. That's not bad. Better than mine.

Peter, you want to put the star on top of the... Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this. Wait a second. It's coming. There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!

None of your fucking business what happened!

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass. CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... (BELCHES) (ALIEN SNORING)

but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back. Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right.

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him.

We had a nice town, Peter. I had a nice life, but you and your anti-government buddies ruined it.

Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert. Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates.

Oh, wait, now they're telling me they do want to show it. I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread good will towards all men. The irony, of course, is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched!

in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old. I don't know about this, Lois. What if something happens to you? I'm too old to start dating again. Ok. Bachelor Number One. I'm an ice cream cone. How are you gonna eat me? I'd invite my friend Rudy over,

My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead.

(MIMICKING PROBE DROID)

Excellent. The weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say to that, broccoli?

"Brookfield Insane Asylum"? (GASPING) Oh, my God! Mom's brother's crazy. Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup. Oh, wait a minute. It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins.

What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'll get a new cleaners. They're all the same. They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner.

Well, Kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.

(SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE) (CACKLING)

Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name?

(PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN)

Howard! That is Journey. Streetlight people Get some! Get some!

And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation? Well, I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular. He sure did. Who needs drugs when you can go to the dance with the coolest guy in School? Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain!

Guys, we're under attack. By who? I don't know. Cobra! Oh, it's Cobra.

Well, Lois, I got the cake. Oh, and they were all out of the bride and groom figurines, so I got the Iron Giant and a courtroom doll that kids use to show where the molester touched them. All right, Meg, enjoy your bachelorette party. I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see what you crazy girls are gonna do while I'm gone,

Well, if there are only four of us, I propose we start a band. And I propose we call ourselves Robes of Teal. Aw, damn it. Well, we could still be a band and choose a different name. Oh, no, Robes of Teal was the whole thing.

Well, she was already dead, but that doesn't excuse.... Wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow. Yeah. Well, then don't worry about it. Wait a minute. You mean you're not even gonna call the cops? Oh, my God. I could get away with anything. "And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'"

Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time. That's absurd. Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog.

Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe? You don't admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them. When did it become ok to be handicapped? Don't talk like that! He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him! Fine. Then why don't you all marry him? And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this. Hey, look at me. I'm walking.

(GASPS) FEMALE VOICE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency? Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed by an Imperial walker and I need roadside assistance. Of course, sir. Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar?

Sorry, sir, there's a weight limit on this coaster. Oh, really, what's the limit? The rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, there's just no way.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Air conditioners are harmful to the ozone layer. Brian, please, save your hippie BS for the winter months, okay? Hey, Brian, I'm not gonna recycle this aluminum can. I'm just gonna throw it in the trash.

Hey, you. Uh, hey, Ryan.

How do you afford this? We're the Superfriends.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it.

Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

What do you say we read a book or something?

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

Lois! Oh, my God!

Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass. Hey, don't call me names, Kyle. Hi, Kyle. Mmm.

Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there. I'll always be there, Dylan.

Jillian, wait! Damn it. I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. (SIGHS) STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do?

(STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant.

Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?

What the hell is this?

It's all right to go to sleep, my friend. I'll stand guard. Uh, Ok. Don't worry. I'll be here all night. Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council.

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY) That's so much better. Morning, Lois.

It looks old. It's a first edition. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing? I was hungry. You want one? You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40. (MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

"Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office,

(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)

Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus. Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you straight into traffic. Peter, you win. All right, I won't tell the joke anymore. You know, I gotta admit, Quagmire, despite all the problems, that joke is freaking hilarious. Where'd you hear it? Bruce told it to me. No way Bruce came up with that. Where'd he hear it? I don't know. Probably just around. I mean, where does any dirty joke come from?

(ALL SCREAMING)

and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he? Like a champ he is. Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes And that's how you make a duck out of an oatmeal container. This is the greatest show in the history of television. Mother Maggie, you are a kindred spirit.

The big novel you've been working on for three years, huh? Got a compelling protagonist? Got an obstacle for him to overcome? Little story brewing there? Working on? Working on that for quite some time, huh? Talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time?

Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.

(THROWING VOICE) Play that same song.

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops!

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time.

General Solo, somebody's coming! Luke, there you are! Where's Leia? Have you seen her?

Griffin, I never noticed you before. I like what I see. Uh. Okay. Oh, no. I dropped my pencil! Oh, I'll get it for you. Yeah, this is gonna work out just fine.

Talkin' 'bout the club Lookin' round the club Pimpin' at the club Emphasizing "club" Yuck, this is awful.

No! No! No! You must receive his seed! Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant,

Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose. What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right. But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf.

Oh, my GoD! Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing. Evidently, madam, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. What I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls!

And in addition, Pewterschmidt Industries' pharmaceutical division is up over 30%, profits in new media have doubled each quarter over the past year, and our stock is at an all-time high. (DOOR SLAMS OPEN) All right, stand aside. I'll take it from here. Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Peter Griffin. I will be running the company from hence here forth.

Something, something, something, complete.

Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor. Don't get married.

Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical. All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

Hey, Cleveland, come here. check out my onboard computer navigation system. Standard. Left turn ahead. Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob.

What is your problem?

Yes. Was this in the news? Yes, Peter. It was all over the news. Well, now, wait a minute. If he killed two people, how come he's not in jail? He was acquitted. Well, there you go. Everything's fine. Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake. You're saying all those guys in their powdery wigs and their pilgrim hats and their big gross wives were wrong?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive!

Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What? Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

All right, Stewie, you all set to spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa? Uh, I hate being around old people. They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator. Ah, I'm hungry. What do we got? Let's see. Eye drops, baking soda and some film. OLD MAN: Close the door. You're running up long distance charges! (DOOR BELL RINGS)

Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops.

Well--Well, what do you want? Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. What you thinking about? Wha--What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me! I just wanted to say hi. So, what are you do-- Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful.

Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier.

"Doesn't work well with others"?

And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you.

Ok, Can anybody tell me what the square root of the hypotenuse is when... Chris, is that a note? No. Yes, it is. Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? No.

Yeah! All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I...

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want.

Well, the fat man made a funny.

Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society! Ok, let's go. Chris, this is the speed machine that's gonna win you the soapbox derby. But Dad, I was supposed to build it myself. It's a rule.

Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused.

Remember me, dirt bag?

I've been thinking about us. And i--I just don't think it's working out. (STEWIE) Oh, my God. No way. you--You wanna break up. Why? I--I just don't think you're the right woman for me. (STEWIE) Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch.

What the hell is happening right now?

Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been,

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying. Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers. So, what do you guys wanna talk about?

Now, remember, Peter, we're going to be right here in the van if anything goes wrong. Just try to get O.J. talking about the murders. Do you think he'd be offended if I asked him to sign this basketball? Yeah, I think he'd be very offended. QUAGMIRE: Oh! All right, Joe. Can you hear me? JOE: Loud and clear, Peter.

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God,

(RIM SHOT IN REVERSE) Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird.

What? What is that?

Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

Oh! Come here. And you don't miss your wife at all? Well, sure I do, but this is a whole new chapter in my life, Scott. And that chapter is all about you. Peter, let's snuggle on the couch and watch Lifetime. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown.

The chair recognizes your face! En garde! Is the park open? Not yet! (CROWD GASPS) You call that kissing a baby?

A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.

Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money. But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Mr. Griffin, are you ok? I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5. It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund.

(SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you. You obviously have no respect for either of us. Yeah, you're acting all mean. Now I'm glad you made me face away during sex. Brian, you've been using me. You're right, Cheryl, he's just a user.

And that was the last we ever saw of him. Well, well, well. Who do we have here? It's me, Chris. You know me. And why are you talking like a bad guy? Listen, I saw you steal money from Mom's purse.

Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." Let me see that! Did you forge my name? Oh, Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight! Face it, Lois. I'm a nobody. Why can't I be famous like Bob? Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin?

What the hell is that? Oh, my God. There's fish everywhere. Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef. Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich.

Yeah, you're a bad little car.

HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter.

Boy, that was really gay. No, no! Didn't you just hear the announcers? They said it's not gay. Stewie one, you zero.

Dad, that's just an urban legend.

Enchante. Pasta Fazul. Mmm. Looking good, fellas. Brian, do you know anything about this? Lois, please. I'm just a dog. A stupid dog. Vodka stinger with a whiskey back. And step on it!

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks!

We got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees. Uh... The flight's going to be a little longer than we have expected. Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off.

Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

(ANNOUNCER READING)

I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news.

Oh, Peter, that was so passionate.

When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed. Okay. Then I'm gonna make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back. And then what are you gonna do? Let's see... Are you gonna shower her off after all that candle wax? No, I'm gonna keep her filthy. Yeah, she's been a bad girl.

Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset.

Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!

Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety. Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video.

(GROANING) (SCREAMING) You think he's dead? No, no. He'll be back on his feet in no time, probably follow in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps, wind up with a pod deal over at Touchstone. You all right, Stewie?

Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat. There you go.

Who knows what animals have been in there?

(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends? There's so many questions left unanswered.

Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?

Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse. Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No!

Wednesday, right? Yeah, it's Wednesday.

That might work.

At least the hard part's over. I'm not so sure about that. You might want to take a look at those storm clouds. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, my God. Yeah, it looks like it's closing in fast. We're all gonna die! All right, everyone get into a hilarious pose,

And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude Peter, my boy Yes You're sweet as chocolate cake You bring me joy And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do

- How was it? - Sucked. Okay, that checks out. Boy, that Ashton Kutcher sure was a cad in that movie, wasn't he? Yeah, totally. Wrong! He had a heart of gold. You're going down.

but why are we eating at a strip club?

(SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV) Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...

- Bye, Mom. - Bye! All right, kids. Have a good day at school.

You have hibernation sickness, but your eyesight will return in time. Where am I? Jabba's palace. Who are you? Someone who loves you. Whoa! You are smothering me, and I need my space. (JOE LAUGHING) Wait a minute, who's that? I know that laugh.

I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass. Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon, I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

(LAUGHING) Oh, like a relationship. Exactly. That'll send them running, huh? I like her. Here you go. Maybe this'll help.

Except for that time I rode the mechanical bull at that bar. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, my God, how embarrassing! Look how much fun I am! It's like I missed out on half my life. What I wouldn't give to be 18 again, like those kids on spring break.

Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm And we don't tan well, either. From a drunken Irish dad

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. (LAUGHS) I mean your daughter's in a coma. Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter.

Oh, my God, it's Ben Fishman. - Is he... - Yep. He's dead. Oh, great. Not only are we caught in this blizzard,

My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer. Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen. Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me!

Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin! Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess! PETER: No! You said I could have two friends over. And I didn't. Joe couldn't come. So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire,

I'll consider it. He'll consider it! I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park. Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad.

Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over!

For God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without T.V.? Give me a break. Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat! Forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.

Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come! (BUZZING) Okay. Okay, they're on there. Let's just... Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off!

And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL! Stewie, honey, time for bed.

Oh, God. That's terrible. Oh, good Lord, save them. Bless their... Oh, okay. Yeah! There we go. All right, everything worked out. MAN ON TV: We now return to Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Detarded.

You guys are ruining my life! I'm sorry, honey. I know how you must feel. If you care about me, you won't show your faces downstairs for the rest of the night. Well, Then it's a good thing I have this.

I got a daughter of my own, you know.

You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know. Pardon my French. You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day. It's improved my heart one heck of a heap, I'll tell you that. Pardon my French.

Oh, this must be yours.

Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time.

Sorry, Lois. Regulations.

Relax, you're going to do great. (SIGHS) Nailed it. Well, as usual, this is gonna suck for one of us. Donna? It's Grant, your new husband. Hi, honey. I've got great news.

Well, there some apples and some cinnamon and my hair.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Hey, uh, Cleveland. You got a minute? I--I really need to talk to you. Sure. I was just going for a ride. Hop on.

Peter, I'm going first! Oh, no, you don't! Move your ass, Peter! You move yours! I made reservations with the maitre d'. Isn't that right, Cornelius? Lois Griffin, poop for one. I also need a poop. Do you have a reservation, sir? Yeah, I called a couple days ago. Who did you speak to? Dave... Al...

Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.

I thought Kurt was your son.

I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face. He lives with us back in quahog. You got a nice wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie? A little girl-girl action, maybe? Oh, Peter! Good luck, buddy.

Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh! But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this.

Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads. Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him!

Yeah. I figured, why not? You know, you, we, you and I see each other from time to time.

(SOBBING) It's just so horrible. I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right.

At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street.

Biomolec... I don't understand. Come on. I'll show you what I did yesterday. "It'll make you feel young as when the world was new."

- Where am I? Am I dead? - No. This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall... so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters. You don't say.

Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected. Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman. On my 25th birthday, your father surprised me by showing up... in nothing but a space helmet and moon boots. It just came to me.

Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.

I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up. I did good!

What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Mr. Gutentag, can I use the bathroom? Of course. Down the hall to the right. It's the door marked... (SPEAKING GERMAN)

But first, are you lonely, picked on, unappreciated, disliked, not totally happy with your physical appearance?

Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime.

(ALL LAUGHING) All right, calm down. We all make bad choices.

Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough. All right, boys, pack up the dough and get out of there. Joe, stop! Lois, what are you doing here?

I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh. Now, Lois, before you start yelling,

No! I am a falconer and I will eat whatever Xerxes brings me. Feed master. Peter, what the hell? For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant.

That ought to show you!

How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you. She's a Killer Queen Gunpowder, gelatine Dynamite with a laser beam

I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher. Dad, you... You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights. I'll take the one on the right!

PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again. He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check. Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself.

It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do?

Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say? Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss.

Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat.

Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is, I still have my penis. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina. Come on, Dad... Not a bad option to have in the back pocket. So, Lois, what is this meal?

All right, come on, if Mission Control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard. Okay, okay, uh, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Then we'll have unlimited lives.

I know. Th-The phone hasn't rang all day.

And here comes whackadoo film director, Oliver Stone. Oliver's here promoting his new movie, Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July, which he promises will be even July-ier than the original. A dangerously insane human being.

You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes. She gets all up in my biznatch with those. No, no way. I could get really sick. Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.

(YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois. Lois! Lois? Where the devil is everyone? This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.

(CAR HORN HONKING) Keep the kid. Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter! Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there. You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.

That's an understatement, Brian. He's been incredibly thoughtless lately.

Go, dog. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Well, it just so happens that separation of church and state is something I'm actually gonna cover in my next book, God. Period. Damn it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) What does that mean? Well, if I can expand on this.

Lois, put the coffee on. Careful. I just cleaned the floor. Good thing. Mmm, Lemony.

here's your walkie, and here's your stud-finder. (IMITATES BEEPING) Oh, well, it's working. All right, joke time is over. Work time has begun. You get started with this drywall, and I'm gonna start pulling out those old floorboards in the kitchen. Hey, Brian. Knock, knock. Who's there? (WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together.

I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again! You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing. I mean, bullying makes you feel pretty cool.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING) (SNORING) Peter! Oh! Oh, Lois.

(ROARING) Oh, my God, I can't let him do this! Come on, kids! We got to get down to that TV studio! Okay, yeah, just step on the coloring book. That's cool. (TIRES SCREECHING) I'm asking you who's on first!

Hey, big man, turn around.

Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment. I agree. We can all learn something from that.

All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy

(SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak. Boy, it sure is nice having our house to ourselves again, huh?

Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh!

Let me put the bowl down first. You're gonna spill it. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down. Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining. You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me.

Just hang on and figure this out. Han, there are Stormtroopers all over the place. Shouldn't we be getting out of here? All right, okay, all right, I got it, I know... Here's what we're gonna do. We're going to take the cushions off, unscrew the legs, take the mattress out, and this whole thing is going to be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it.

Mr. Mayor, I promise you this. Next election, I'm gonna run against you, and I'm gonna win. All right, Mrs. Griffin, you wanna take me on, fine. But if you plan to beat me, you'll have to... (GASPS) What is it? A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move. Hmm. Now look who's mayor.

(SIGHING) That feels so good. You are an artist. Thank you. Lois doesn't like my toenails 'cause they stab her in the night. Hear that, Lois? Somebody likes my toenails. Good for you, Peter.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

I treated you so badly, but I hope you know it was only because I wasn't myself. I didn't just lose my memory. I lost my mind. Clear! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home!

Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition, Stephanie Griffin.

But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year. Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend. And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester. What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next? I will. Um... My name is Greg, and I'm an alcoholic.

Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night.

Oh! Oh! Shh! Hi, Karina. Oh. Hi, Julie. God, I love your makeup.

He's.... I mean, I love all black people, you know. I mean, ifl could take all the black people in the world... and just, you know, just buy a farm somewhere and let them all.... Whoa, you know what, that actually didn't really come out right.

You know, I had a really fun night, Brian. You seem like a really cool guy. Yeah. Um... Hey, you know, if you don't mind, I'm sort of a low-profile kind of person. So I'm gonna take off before anybody gets the wrong idea here.

(HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.

He's a family guy

Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy?

We've lost him. If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked. Look, buddy. Just go in the pan. And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off. Hey, nurse? Nurse? What would you do for a Klondike BAR?

That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one.

Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING)

CHRIS: Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear. And though we may never reach our goals, it's hope that will save us from who we once were. (APPLAUSE)

Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal! Tell us, Stewie, what job does a mommy do? oh, Interesting question. More to the point, how does one define "job" without branding oneself with useless labels? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I answered your question with another question.

Damn it! This has gone too far.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

(SPUTTERS) Arrest him! Arrest all three! These filths are making a mockery of our Reich. Execute them. Unless... Unless what? Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever...

I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't very good, but he ate it anyway. And then she got mad at him 'cause he gave her a funny look. I miss Ray. (GROANS) I can't believe Chris would just buy into that army recruiter's sales pitch.

Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream. But I remember it so-- It was a dream!

Meg, you have the coolest family. She sure does. Hey, Here's to family! To family! Oh, Jeez, look at the time! Come on. Come on, kids. Let's get going.

I have! Oh, my God, what a load of rubbish. We have this thing where we go to the worst regional theater we can find and laugh ourselves sick. And this one took the grand prize. (LAUGHING) Really? (STAMMERING) I had heard only good things.

Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, I hate the sound of her crying. You know what sounds even worse?

Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

Package for Glen Quagmire. Oh, uh, Excuse me.

Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman.

(CHUCKLES) Won't that be gay of them? (LAUGHING) Yeah! (LAUGHING) That is grotacular! JOCK 1: Way to go, man. CHRIS: Awesome, bro. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why?

Not since I got out of the car. Who here thinks they can kick my ass? Peter, you are not gonna ruin this seder. Now, get out of here! I'm sorry, kids. I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS)

And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist

(FARTS) All right, we're gonna do it once more.

Pengrove! Pengrove Pig! Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh, my! The magic tome. But it's--it's cardboard. And--And there are no words. There are just-- What is it you've drawn here? Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh?

I can fly! OH, My God! ahh! Ugh! I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns.

'cause our phone bill was $7,000. Oh, Peter! I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches. Gross! I want to wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket. Oh, my God!

(SIGHS) Finally! TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, Kirk Cameron... Ooh! ...to talk about God. Oh. Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show, Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron. Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you,

we should be able to mount a successful offensive on the Death Star. But first, please take a moment to watch this instructional video. Nothing but net. Hi! I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips on blowing up the Death Star.

(SCREAMS) (SCREECHING) (HISSING) (FLUSHES) (HISSES) (SIGHS)

So, do you really think you're suited to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington? Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes, but you're kind of a buzz kill. Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn. (CHUCKLING) Do any of you know the tale of how cornmeal came to be?

I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just... You complete me, you know that? You just make me want to be a gayer man. Oh! Come here.

I used to pass lots of gas

Fletch. Is it Fletch? It is Fletch. What do you wanna do now? I got an idea. How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING) (EXHALES)

Dick Armey. Pthht! Aw, go-- No. No. No seriously. What's his name? Dick Armey. Pthht!

I think I got a wave here!

There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this?

Oh, God! Now where are we? Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS)

Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats. And it plays a tune that's fun for the young children. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta

Don't worry, buddy. I'll get you out of this. I'll get us the best help there is. "Dear MacGuyver.

A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!

Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go. And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend...

You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day, I was thinking, "Let's do something we've never done before." Release the virus? No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed. That's a great idea.

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.

Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter!

(KICKING) Road House. Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House.

Or we could watch The Cove. The Cove? Isn't that that horrible documentary where they kill all the fish? Dolphins, actually. Well, yeah, but this has Johnny Depp as some kind of very funny tea-drinking homo.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person?

- Moo! - Louder!

So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show. You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming.

But it wasn't a rock

Better than nothing. He's got money to buy tongue depressors and yarn, but not enough to pay us back? Do you know how much mustache cream that could've bought? I don't like the mustache, Fred. Nobody likes the mustache. That's why we lost the trial. That's not true.

Hi, is Mr. Donald Nguyen there, please? And is he the head of the household? Ifl can just have a few moments of your time.... Hello? Oh, Brian, there you are. Can I talk to you about something?

Chris, it's me, Meg. (SIGHS) Well, that's everybody. MAN ON TV: We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders. (SOBBING) I don't know how it got like this! Dad, Mom, there's something I want to ask you.

Welcome to the quahog Beer Party! I do feel a little guilty about polluting. I felt Guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. Peter, what are you doing? Hey, It may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit, but it's still beer, damn it. Ha! Good point. Bottoms up!

I think I'm gonna be sick. Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II.

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING) I love the time we've spent together, you know that? Hey, Kathy, guess what? I'm out.

(SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

- What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.

But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you,

Don't be so sure, Brian. I've slept with chicks all over the world.

Oh, Your mother has her ways. She has her ways. Can I have the blueprints to the Demico housE? Sure. Here you go. Now, I've put together a little flash bomb to create a diversion. I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake. What's Whitesnake? That's the music mommies and daddies listen to.

And--And that's creative?

See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something, but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!" Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did.

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Yeah! Woo! How's that, Robert E. Lee? All right, no more slaves. But we still don't have to read books! Deal. Yeah! Woo!

Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

He sure gets it. Maybe he's right. We can make a new start. Oh, Come on, guys. Don't let him sweet talk you like that. Wait. You can't leave now. I'm supposed to be the hero here. Wait! Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera? Dang, Stupid robbers with your guns and your make-out parties.

LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital. All right, hold-hold on a sec.

Here, let me get that for you, sweetie! Thanks, Dad. Wow, Peter, I gotta say, you've really been true to your word about treating Meg better. She's my only daughter, Lois. She needs to be protected, like a rare gemstone or the herniated scrotum of an older gentleman. Well, I think you've been wonderful. Like when you took her to that new movie,

What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What the hell, man? Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ... No way! You're gonna be on T.V. Oh, sweet! Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi.

You knucklehead. Get out of here, but know I love you. (GRUNTS) Damn these stubby arms!

Besides, it's--it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father. I'm sorry. I talked to him. But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though. Well, you know, They're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get 'em back.

(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your lightsaber battle. The Force is with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet. You're getting there. You're getting there, though.

There's a dog turd in here.

See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now. It's just weird, Brian. I still don't think I'm comfortable with the whole idea. Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof.

Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic. You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater? (GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me!

What is it, Lois?

You know, this resort offers some wonderful amenities. They have bird-watching, wine tasting, horseback riding.

I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

You've done nothing but hold me back!

Well, it sounds like she does. And if you're never going to get serious, then you're not being fair to her. I mean, what are you, Brian? One of those creepy guys who just uses a woman for sex? Because Jillian deserves better. She has feelings, you know,

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, Mom. No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home.

Well, you're a very sweet friend, and you're so good to listen to my troubles. I could listen for hours, Lois. Whoo! Boy, I don't know how a half a glass of wine got me so lightheaded. I better lie down. You want me to help you upstairs? Oh, my God, you are a saint!

(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, methamphetamine is flooding into Quahog in epidemic amounts, and is believed to be originating from the nearby rural community of Farmton. Farmton, that's the name of the place we live. I forgot to mention that earlier. For more on the story, we now go live to Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa. Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business!

Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. (SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.

Ouch. Well, Brian, looks like you're the odd man out, like a non-praying mantis.

What the hell was that? My catchphrase. You don't have a catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Why you gotta say like that? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me. Would anyone like to play Stratego? I have Stratego. Oh, Peter, I never meant for this to happen.

So, um, anybody see any good movies lately? No, not really. No. No. oh. Read any good books? - No. - Uh-uh, No. oh.

Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death. What the hell is this? It's a boy!

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt.

There she is! Hurry! (TIRES SCREECHING) Stewie, what are you doing? We'll never catch a speeding car on foot. Haven't you ever seen an action movie? All we have to do is cut diagonally across any nearby field. (BRAKES SQUEALING) See? (TIRES SCREECHING)

We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets. Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery.

Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok. Really? Who's Debbie Miller? A girl I just made up.

But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS,

Yeah. It's yours. You like my pants? Uh, Sure. They're yours! Know what a merkin is? No. Pubic wig. I got one. You want it? No! Of course You don't! You're a classy guy! You want to be rich? - Yes! - Sign here. What the hell?

SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom!

O.J. Simpson is a murderer. What am I gonna do? I'm playing golf with him tomorrow.

Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

I've tangled with the likes of these before. Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus. Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there.

No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston! See? I went there. Damn it, Glenn, if you're not gay, then the divorce is off.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke. And... Okay, this is not something that should ever have been attempted. Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Improv!

You're telling me that doesn't sound like Camptown Races? Not one bit. Do Short People!

(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999.

Can't you just cook something here? Excuse me? I am not going to cook you dinner while you sit here in your own mess playing your TV games. Oh-ho! And the martyr returns. Chris, I think it's time for you to go. Okay, I'll go.

Who wants a half and half? I'll throw my hat into that ring. Wait a minute, Dad. I think maybe I should go with her. What? Dylan, why? Look at her. She needs me, a lot more than you do. But we were just starting to make a real connection. Listen, I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around,

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over.

You'd best go to lunch without me. Why do I hear an engine? Because my stomach is rumbling in a way that sounds like the engine of Joe's fishing truck. Peter, are you lying? Now she's a doctor, guys. QUAGMIRE: Hi, Lois! PETER: Quagmire says hi. Damn it, Peter, you're going fishing, aren't you? You promised me you'd come to lunch with my parents today. Well, Lois, until we get an appointment secretary,

All right Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around. Oh--Oh, no. Head... hunters. Ahh! Am I fired?

Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three? Yep. One, two... One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live!

And lately this family has been lacking moral fiber. Especially you, Meg. Meg! What happened to you? She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there. It's really sad and a tiny bit funny.

(GROWLING) I let him in. What, was that not cool? Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Are you nuts, Peter? You'll never get away with this.

Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door. I know. I've admired you in the garden from afar. Will you go out with me? I'd love to. Oh, he's gay. You wish! Get out of here, you mouth breather!

Good day, shopkeep. Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. What? It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors.

awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin! Look! That's Mom! Oh, my God! What the hell? She's at a Justin Bieber concert? Justin Bieber's so yesterday. I'm all about Quentin Vashay now. Who's Quentin Vashay? Exactly. What's going on?

Boy, great party, huh, Fred? Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this.

(CHUCKLING) - Nullum gratuitum prandium, Peter? Yeah? Why don't you catch a football, you nerds? Nerds. No, I just read the back, where it's printed in French. You speak French? Sure, they love me in France. - Oh, Quagmire! - Shh! Quagmire! Silence! C'est Quagmire.

Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, You can't hear me now. All right, That's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me!

Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? I think you've had about enough.

(CHUCKLES) Son died tomato. Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner.

but who has never actually shined. Not one single time! Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay?

Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.

Oh, They're all closed on Sundays. This is a dry county. I can't do it without booze! Well, Maybe this is a sign that we need to stop this. I've been keeping you ripped out of your head for my own selfish needs. I'm ashamed. Let's just go home. Now, Now, Lois. We can't stop now after all we've put into this.

And I will continue to sing! And... How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois. Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages!

Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think--

Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

(SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time.

(CHUCKLING) Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir? You feel strong? You wanna come over here? MAN: No, I want to stay here and have my steak. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What is that, the porterhouse? Yeah. How is it? What do you care? If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it? Yeah, I would. Well, I know what I'm getting.

Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar!

Wow, a Paris Hilton party.

Ah, ha! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet. Well, Fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society! You get a job!

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No. Yeah, well, you know, take that.

and I'll show you a real woman?

Let's watch it one more time in super slow-mo!

Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

away from all those people who have demonized me and made me out to be some kind of boogeyman, even though I was found innocent by a jury of my peers. But what about the civil trial? Believe me, Peter, there was nothing civil about it. (LAUGHS) Well, that makes up for one murder. The only thing I'm guilty of is a few bad movies.

a beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced. Jeez, Another chick flick. She's right. All the hours we've wasted on that damn idiot box.

We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check.

Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night. Oh. Ah, Jeez! This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since I went to that museum.

Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused.

Are you Peter Griffin? Yes, sir, I am. I represent the man whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday. You've piqued my interest. Go on. Unfortunately for you,

Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball. You can't just take some Korean-made velveteen primate and call it Rupert.

Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more?

Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here!

LOIS: Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot. PETER: Yeah, what did I tell you, huh?

Horsey, you saved my life. No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried. That's right! Awesome.

Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000. What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money? Peter, I'm waiting.

Okay, Peter, I'm off to my book club. You'll babysit Stewie? Only if I can have a Pawsicle. Only if you say it right. Popsicle.

What'll they make you buy next? Hey, hey, there they are!

Oh! "Boob!" Boob! Yeah! All right! All right! All right! Boob! What if we had two calculators and we put them next to each other? (GASPS) Yes, yes, yes. Find one, yes. (SNORING)

Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to.

Hey, Mort. Lois and I are out on our date night. Why don't you give me some condoms? And some Excedrin. My wife's got a headache this big. You know, it's like from the commercial. This big. Only it's my junk. All right, then. $12.43.

Great, I'm a laughingstock. What do I do? Come on, Quagmire. It's not so bad. You could kill yourself. Well, it's just a thought, but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness? Yeah, Brian's right. You know, there's lots of big Hollywood celebrities who have gone bald with dignity. John Travolta, David Spade, Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven.

And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside.

So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home... Stewie, what the hell are you doing? She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud! She didn't write any of her songs. Well, so, that's the case with a lot of singers. It's a very common industry practice. Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds, aren't you?

The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked!

Didn't we have an electrician in there today?

Fellas, our way of life is being threatened, and we got to do something about it. Couldn't we just ask the women to leave? No, no. I got something way more expensive and time-consuming in mind. Well, men, the Quahog Men's Club is complete.

STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it. The next person you see. The very next person you see.

Congratulations, Brian. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait.

All right, almost done here, Glenn. There we are, all finished. Ah! Well, look at this. Look what happened. (CHUCKLES) Well, by the laws of comedy, you and I have to be roommates now. That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here we go. Now, I'm going to prescribe a course of antibiotics and some painkillers and...

Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra. But I would do anything for you, Brian. I'll be on the veranda since you're already on the cross. Oh, Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns. May I have one on a plate or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose?

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, give an indifferent East Coast welcome to the newest bull rider, Peter the Kid! (CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out.

Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

Yeah! You're the coolest, Lando!

Your body makes me so horny. Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter.

Well, I got to be honest, Lois, I had my doubts, but you really held your own in that ring. Thanks, Brian. It was nice to go out a champion. Well, we're real proud of you, Lois. And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud!

(BABBLING) Oh, well, it's no wonder they finally caught you doing that in here. I mean, the underside of your desk looks like Carlsbad Caverns. (BABBLING) Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella. Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now?

(MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version? Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here.

You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong?

but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven? If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer. I didn't kill anybody!

Give me cocaine! ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo? (ARTILLERY FIRING) Do I sound sexy? Tell me I sound sexy. Peter, what the hell? You look terrible.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative.

Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

GIRL: Ball, please. Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks.

(CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap. Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada,

Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out. What's in there? It feels cold. That place is strong with the dark side.

Huh? Hit it! Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather...

(EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass. Oh, an unfamiliar dog. Why don't you go away? I don't want to be your friend. (GROWLS) Rupert! Oh, dear God, somebody help! Rupert!

You know, Ireland has more drunks per capita than people. Oh, that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future.

Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this. Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo, if you can believe that.

Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE.

Here you go. Enjoy your food.

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

(SIGHS) I got my period. Oh. I must've read the test wrong. What am I gonna do? Michael's out there waiting for me. Well, Meg, the best thing you can do is be honest. Just tell Michael the truth. If he cares about you, he'll understand. I'll try. Thanks, Mom. I love you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived. He wants fat? I'll show him fat. The only reason I'm eating anyway is because of him. He won't touch me. Do you think I'm fat? Only if you think I'm a serial killer. - What? - Nothing.

I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS Yes, you have AIDS Not H.I.V., but full-blown AIDS

- Oh, Brian, there you are! Thank God! - Oh, hey, Stewie. Did you make that coffee? Uh, no, it was here when I came in. I assume Lois made it. Don't drink that! Hey! That mug was my crew gift from Class Holes! Did you take a bite out of this donut? Yeah, it was from a box on the counter. So what? How long ago? I don't know, five minutes?

What do we do? Only one thing to do, man. You still got that bag I gave you?

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test. I'm gonna try out what I've learned on Denise. Well, good luck.

Like--Like there was a secret hole in me. Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God!

she may just be trying to get one for free. No, actually, she doesn't want a seeing-eye dog. She hates dogs. What? She doesn't like dogs. She's just not a dog person. What? Does she not know you're a dog? How is that possible? Well, we haven't done anything yet. (STAMMERING) So, I'm just gonna avoid touching her until a little more time has passed.

Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut! Yeah! (CROWD CHEERING)

Peter, that former President Clinton is nothing but a bad influence! I forbid you to hang out with him anymore. No way. Bill Clinton makes me feel young. Not like you, with your Judd Hirsch sweater and your bag of Werther's Originals. Well, if he won't listen, I'm just going to have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.

Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief. Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

All right, settle down.

- Oh, my God. - Finally. I can't believe they took the kids away. Sorry you have to share a bed, boys. I'm a little short on space. Have a good sleep. Hey, Chris...

(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

And Now back to the Movie of the Week, Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that.

I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee! Sheesh, Cleveland, your kid's a natural.

What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man.

Meg, you're the man of the family now. Be strong. Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man. Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like. A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law.

Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation. We'll have all this, and what else, Ollie?

Now let's get back to screaming at this child in a way that reminds all men why we can never be President. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Sorry, you're not allowed in here. Oh, yeah?

That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs. Freddie Sanford Freddie Sanford and his son Freddie Sanford In a junkyard having fun What the devil will they screw up next? (GASPING) You are Kanye West!

Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!

But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Well, you look a lot better. I did it, Brian! Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk. I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive. Yeah. How did you do that? I watched In The Cut. Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks. Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you.

Cheryl, don't you think it's time for us to go now? Why? We just got here? I'm having a good time. Yeah, I can tell. You've been talking to John Davidson for half an hour. Hey, Glenn, great to meet you. John Davidson, host of That's Incredible! Oh, hey, John. I like your work... Not!

I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Got to make you understand

Voice test. "I'm Chris." I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat. If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny. System off.

Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You can stop having fun! (IN NORMAL VOICE) But we like fun, don't we, kids? ALL: Yes! (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets!

Glenn, we are so thrilled for you. Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero. Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys. You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back. I'll never forget that.

my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you. Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times. Yes, valid points you're raising, my friend, and I respect you for raising them. But may I ask you a question? Okay.

I can't do that. Well, I can't be the only one who's trying. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Oh, my God, Chris. What's wrong? Mom, I hate it here. I want to come home.

Your missing sons will be found. (EXCLAIMS JOYFULLY) Thank you. Thank you so much! I can't tell you how reassuring that is. Ah! My babies are okay. Will you answer one question for me? Yes. Thank you so much.

Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

Scotty Jennings? Oh, my God! I know she was upset, but do you think Lois would've gone so far as to kidnap him? Of course she did. She'll do anything for attention. I know. She's like the boy who cried wolf. (BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go!

What is thy bidding, my master? Hey, I'm downloading all my music to my iPod 'cause I'm getting rid of my CDs. Do you have any desire for Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily? No. Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill?

Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died.

I suppose it's money you're wanting. I owe you some allowance and so forth. Oh, no, I don't want money, I just want to get to know you and be friends. So I can finally have a real dad who loves and respects me. You can't be me son, you and me are nothing alike. Just ask me sheep, O'Brian.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? Being a good dad like you asked. I've been watching Jolly Farm with Stewie for the last three hours. That's not Stewie, that's a pineapple. Oh, my God, where is Stewie? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fine. Peter, he's a baby. You can't leave him alone. Come on, it's good to have some alone time.

All right, boys. Let's see what we've got. Well, at least we got somethin'. God! Damn! Stupid penguins. Sorry, guys, but the way things have been goin', I can't afford to keep you.

But did you ever feel like something was missing? You know, something you had once, but now it's gone? You mean like the loyalty of someone you trusted? Yes, I know exactly what that feels like. Yeah, I mean, I was just goofing around when I first called you, but when I heard your voice, I felt like I found some part of me that was lost.

Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now If you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings. Come on. Give him a little more time. All right! All right! You've got 3 days to earn a badge! 3 days! That's tomorrow!

Put me down, you blunderbuss! He's a little cranky from teething. Ah, I can fix that. Good God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed! There you go. My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache.

What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them. (SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since... (GASPS) You wouldn't!

You're choosing me? After what happened with my family? Well, it wasn't as bad as the evening I spent with Glenn and his mother.

My methods are a little unorthodox, Mr. Griffin. I think I can help. What are you doing? My job. Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House.

Dad, I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Listen, I feel awful about the things I said last night. I was selfish.

(ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure. Brian, what hell? Hot lady next to wheel. Make me want wheel. Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel. (ALL CLAMORING) People want Peter wheel thanks to sexy wife. Tonight you and me party like it's 9.

My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache. My tooth hurts! There. How's that feel?

Well, they don't say anything about kissing them.

Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

(SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.

Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris? Elephants are bigger in person.

Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble.

Jim. Your name is Jim. Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive?

Give it up, Tucker! Make me, Swanson! (ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up?

Oh, my God! I--I didn't mean "you people." I didn't mean "oh, my God," either. I know--I know he's your God, too. I... Shh. And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to-- Uh-oh!

Don't get antsy. I got 3 minutes left. So, What the hell, Brian? You cured yet? I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture, like some Italian family. My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love.

One time this homeless guy showed me his purple head,

It all sounds kind of sketchy.

This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas!

It's a wonderful day for pie - For pie - For pie For pie For pie For pie This is wonderful, Brian. Oh, let's live in this universe. Gosh, it's pretty intoxicating, isn't it? I want to hear more music about pie.

I'm glad you're interested in joining the National Gun Association, Peter. Let me show you around. This is our shooting range.

That's right, Dad. You never ask.

Hey, guys, what's goin' on? And no one says anything, which means they hate it.

We now return to The Communists. I hear report cards were handed out today. What were your gradeS? uh... Uh... Uh...

No, it wasn't worth it. I'm sorry, Stewie, I can't do this anymore. I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. What's your problem? Papa Tom's being a jerk. At least he talks to you.

And so ends the tale of Griffin Peterson and the founding of Quahog. Well, what a bunch of delightfully colorful characters! So, is that it? That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites.

- Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no!

Oh, falcon. Cool. Hi, falcon.

I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right.

So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this.

Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck,

When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed. Okay. Then I'm gonna make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci jr. High cheerleaders.

Hey! You know who lives in this house? A great big phony!

I'll be on your bed. No calls. Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner. Really? All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it. Mm-uah.

It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional?

Jock! Start the engine! Get the plane up!

Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him! Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad.

Four, three, two... Good morning, and welcome to Jolly Farm. Today we're going to learn about the letter "T."

HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair.

- Ruined. - Ru-ined.

All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what? Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder.

It would be an honor. No, no, no, No. it would be a privilege. I-- Oh, dear. Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl. Come, come. You, heat up some gravy for our guest! My last helping of white meat was drier than Oscar Wilde.

(ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free One, two, three, ho! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome, but who is not actually handsome himself! Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him. Yeah, I think he'd be right, too. The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine, but who has never actually shined. Not one single time! Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here,

Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy. It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical!

You see, this is your fork, and this is a knife. That's not a knife. That's a knife. This is also a knife. Oh. Well, I'll be on my way. I want to see more of him, and then suddenly none of him. Forever. (TIRES SCREECHING)

When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

All right, fine, fine! I'll try it, you bastard! Now step onto the return pad. Now brace yourself. Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality. (BEEPING) (MACHINE ZAPPING)

Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof. We know that now for humans. MAN: On veal farms. (CHEERING) In photography studios.

That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met!

They're giving your cue, Peter. Who the hell's idea was it to make this suit out of foam rubber?

Ron? Ron, where are you? Over here, Paul! Oh, good, there you are. It's pretty here! Yes, it is.

I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military. Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What?

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

Look what I made for the game. What's that mean, anyway? "And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox.'" Dad, don't you have to work today? It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of.

Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian. All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century. People are tolerant.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous! God, I've looked forward to this moment more than the second coming of Jesus.

Is there anything I can do For you?

Well, why don't you lie down? I think I will. (SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Burn one, drag it through the garden, pin a rose on it! Can I use your bathroom?

Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!

(INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) (COUGHS LOUDLY) (CLEARS THROAT) Ah. (YAWNS)

Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come?

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's. Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go.

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no! TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it.

Wait till you try it after a meal. Delicious! And after sex? Forget about it. It's like putting your penis to sleep in a feather bed.

You don't get to speak of me and the mister! Oh, Stewie. So, did you do it? Have you removed that wretched cur from our existence? I just couldn't bring myself to kill him, Penelope. Brian is my best friend. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps it was wrong of me to ask you to do such a thing. Oh, thank you.

BRIAN: Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so f got you this answering machine. So, what's going on? f was thinking about doing something tonight-- Hey, you're home.

Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks?

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.

I can't walk! Why the hell can't I walk? This isn't part of the act anymore!

Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard. That's why we got that Steven Hawking guy. My God, this house is freakin' sweet I used to pass lots of gas

That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference.

No, Peter, we're in the Northeast. We are? And K.I.S.S. is coming to the Northeast. That--That means... Um, That means-- No, no, Lois! Don't help me! It means we can do something. Come on, Peter. You're almost there.

(PIG SQUEALING) Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Doggone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

(WHOOPING) We love you, Justin! Look! That's Mom! Oh, my God! What the hell? She's at a Justin Bieber concert? Justin Bieber's so yesterday. I'm all about Quentin Vashay now. Who's Quentin Vashay? Exactly. What's going on? Do we have to get a new mom now? No, Chris.

You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel. You got something new to write about now, you know. Maybe a main character gets into a relationship...

Stewie, it's not working. Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting. Oh, God, should we ask somebody for help? Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out. Well, we can't stay here. We'll have to get Mort to England. It's the only place he'll be safe from the Nazis.

I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool.

Oh, Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh--oh, sorry, His "biatch." Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money. I shared mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community. What? That's not true.

you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience. (BOTH SHOUTING) And here we thought the weed was inspiring us. Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad.

Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies!

Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me!

Big news out of Six Flags Columbus today, as they unveil what promises to be the largest roller coaster in the United States. That's right, Joyce. They call it The Holocaust. The ride has several Jewish groups up in arms, as they go over the first rise. (LAUGHS) (STUTTERS) No, I'm kidding. They're actually pretty upset.

Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing?

(ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen.

(DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus. Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here. Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.

How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up? You know, Just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.

I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois, either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman. Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to take it from the back. Take on me

My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? Wes. They must really want to keep her. Your second wish? I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. Done!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy JOYCE: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.

Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what'd come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it. (LAUGHS)

I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie. You know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you. I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois. Peter, I'm only asking you to do your share.

and now she's gonna consent to a no-fault divorce. That's brilliant, Quagmire. It's the exact opposite of what Hugh Jackman does. Pretend you're gay to get out of marriage.

Hello, Boston! Are you ready to humble yourself before God? What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? Come on! Then put your hands together for the one, the only,

Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases.

Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore. What's the point? You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit? Oh, my God, I overslept. My final exam's in 20 minutes. Brian, you'll never make it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

Hey, That's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm gonna start right now. Cratchit, you're working through Christmas! But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey.

Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. Brian, knock it off! Oh, man.

(HUMMING) Well done, you barnacle-munching scallywiggers. Sir, we've got a man down. Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something. Shoot me.

Chris, your father and I are very upset by this new attitude of yours. I don't care what you think of me! Oh, God. I envy that. I am so self-conscious about what people think of me. I am out of here. You know, I think I may have an idea what's causing his behavior, Peter. Look at all this stuff.

You see what your lies have gotten you? They think you're some kind of healer. I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once. Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing? Oh, yeah.

Brian, do you know where Peter is? Yeah, he and the guys went to go rob your dad. I believe you.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there. He also speaks Orange. - Mandarin, honey. - Mandolin.

I've taken DNA from the dollar bill you were paid for Rupert. Now to check that DNA against the federal database. (BEEPS) We have a match. "Stanford Cordray, 89 Spooner Street." Well, that's only a few blocks away. Let's go!

Why don't you just give up right now? No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself. You're a fool, Joe! A fool! Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. Friday on A.B.C., followed by Dharma and Greg, but you don't have to watch that. I don't believe this. Joe wouldn't be famous if it hadn't been For me.

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS) Lois, there's no presents under the tree!

Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there's a Chinese among us.

Peter, I'm so happy for the both of them. Hey, I just realized I have a sister. (GASPING) (LAUGHING) Ha! Stand much?

Will you remember me? Don't let your life Pass you by QUAGMIRE: Ouch.

Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry. But first, the big news in entertainment this week is the lovable child actress, Olivia Fuller.

(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open?

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man? Those mushrooms are messing you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean. Carol Burnett works part time as a janitor. You know, when she tugged her ear at the end of that show, she was really saying good night to her mom.

I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy! Lois, what the hell's up with you lately? You're acting all weird, and you're staying out all night. I was just out with some of the girls, and you're not gonna believe this.

Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience,

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

Hey, Fuad, can I buy you a cup of coffee?

And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here? Well, I heard you're the new Nielsen family. Just hoping you plan to watch the Channel Five news. I don't know. I've missed so many. It's gonna take me forever to catch up.

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING)

So, what do you guys wanna do now? Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang. Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time.

Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead.

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Stewie, what are you doing? You can't open Meg's gifts. Hey. These are mine. You hear me? Mine. Oh, God. Not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.

Yeah. And I need something that pays more than my last job as... Sandy Duncan's glass eye. PETER: Hey Sandy. Sandy? SANDY: What? - What're you buying? - Some breakfast cereal. No, don't get that. That's a bad cereal. Get some of the Boo Berry.

Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe.

She heard that Chris is dying! Your brother's ok. That was just a little white lie me and Chris came up with to save a T.V. show. So he's not going to die? No. Boy, your face was priceless when you thought he was.

I know, gross. Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die Says the man next to me out of nowhere And the good people of the world Are washing their cars on their lunch breaks

I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later.

You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter. Next time around, we're gonna get ourselves a big, tall, pie-eating dog, Lois. Okay, Peter. Or Howard Huge. Let's get Howard Huge.

One man and one bitch that needs to do what I say.

We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp. Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.

You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! Ha! No bail! Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, l-Let's sit down and talk about this. I want to believe you, but-- Ugh!

Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.

Robert Loggia. Can you spell that for me? Certainly. That's Robert Loggia. R as in Robert Loggia. O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia." B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia."

Once again, Ashlee Simpson. (BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) (CROWD CHEERING)

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him.

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add...

Ahhh! Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!

Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show. Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

And take me dancing tonight This is a joyous occasion. You've engaged the entire tribe in dance. According to our customs, you're now married to my daughter. I couldn't be happier. Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all.... What?

All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

It gets better after the first... (SNIFFING) What smells like head? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston.

I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"?

I say, look where my hand is! It's in a very naughty place. Does that not disgust you? Kid, You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper. Now look here, you loathsome cur! The matron of prattle has left me in your ward. Y-you should--You should be striving to thwart my noisome misdeedS.

COMMENTATOR: And now back to The Kids' Choice Awards... with host Paula Poundstone. f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go! STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry!

Not good. I got suspended for saying bad words. For God's sake! My principal wants to meet with you guys. Should we go? It sounds like a trap. Yes, Peter, we should go. All right, but if it's a trap, and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time.

Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that makes you wanna blow your brains out, Stewie just sits there, and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here! Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya. Listen to you! You don't know your own kids.

Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique. Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it.

Ow! Ow! What was the point of all that? All it does is shoot you. It doesn't make breakfast at all.

(LOIS SCREAMING)

I'd rather go bankrupt than cater to pretentious jerks like this. Whoa, Brian, slow down, man. We're making money now. And besides, this place ain't all bad. Hey, you girls thirsty? Could I interest you in a couple of Rob Roys? What's a Rob Roy? Only the drink of Mr. Peter Lawford. Who's Peter Lawford?

Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus.

All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire!

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay.

(GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Should we help him? Eh. (MUFFLED) I think... I think... I think...

I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass! All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m.

God, this trip has been a disaster. I know. I actually thought I was gonna win big and get that plastic surgery I always wanted. Oh, my God! Look at him. He's so cute. (BARKING) I'm small, so this is okay.

Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button!

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.

Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game...

like I've never needed a friend before.

And then he started making those jokes himself, and now nobody makes those jokes anymore. I mean, he's still gay, but now it's no fun to joke about it, because he... He beat us to the punch. My God! That little pole-smoker's a fucking genius!

It's totally different! Sounds the same. Well, it's not! Okay, so he wants to be a woman, so he can be a lesbian? No, he'd date men. Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay. Okay, this is not the help I came over here for. Well, look, let's just all agree that he's odd. Huh? (LAUGHING) He has an appointment Friday with Dr. Hartman to have the procedure, and he wants me to go with him.

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING)

Because masturbation is abortion.

if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!

Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter to Penthouse Forum, and I don't want to be made a liar in the nudie magazine of reckon. All right, ifl give you 30 seconds of making out, will that shut you up? Let's see where it goes.

Peter, what are you doing? PETER: Surely, Jerome, you don't want to stay in the same house as a ghost who carries a torch around? (IMITATING A GHOST) Fire ghost! You scared yet? Didn't know this place was haunted, did you? Peter, take that thing off! Hey, what the hell's going on? I'll tell you what's going on! I have had about enough of you, Jerome!

in a germ-free plastic environment.

Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?

Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya It chews so soft, it gets right to ya Juicy Fruit The taste, the taste, the taste is gonna move ya

Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

All right, Lois, if you really think it'll work. Trust me. It'll work better than the first telephone. Well, we did it, Watson. What an afternoon. We've finally perfected the first telephone. Yeah. Hey, listen, somebody called me today. Whoever it was said some very sexual things. Some very angry, sexual things.

No. We got to wait for Lois to do it. No, we don't. I know how to make Kool-Aid. No, Quagmire. We're not asposed to... (GASPING) LOIS: I'm home, Peter! Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin! Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess!

Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet.

Peter, I want you to retype those... Wow. What is this? Have you been cleaning? Yep, I'm working extra hard so you'll promote me. Well, based on your track record, you'll understand if I have trouble believing you. Believe it, Angela. I hate being just a cog around here.

Yeah, everyone in the neighborhood has one.

if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too

Back to you, Tom. Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this.

"she looks at the world through hopeful eyes "and maintains an uncommon resilience that can only be admired. "In this sense, Meg Griffin is not the typical American girl. "She is far sweeter and kinder than that." Oh, my God. That is so nice, Brian. Did you mean all that?

I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man. No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town. No! Oh, crap! I'm latE.

Hey, is this guy somebody? Yeah, that's James Woods! We got a celebrity here! I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! This is a celebrity! WOODS: Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care not available to the rest of society.

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!

(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex?

and for some reason, we have a chalkboard in the living room. Well, what are we gonna do? We got to figure out what happened at this point in time. And I'll tell you another thing that worries me. You ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present? Well, who knows what else we changed.

Whichever hetides you Life becomes a chore Unless you 're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to f ha ve James Woods

What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision. Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you.

Well, buddy, you're in love with Peggy. What a mess. Griffin! Get the hell out of my building!

Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those!

All right. So, you're gonna just sit here and enjoy it. I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Guess who? Stop it, Chris. Wrong! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, Wait. Did you say "Chris"? Stewie, time for breakfast!

Meg, guess what Pee-Pants got you for your birthday? A scarf. I don't want a scarf, Dad. Well, then, how about a dozen scarves? (SINGING) (COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those.

It's the end of the world. Holy crap. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Seems like I've run out of waiting time.

Wait a minute. Chris, are you clapping? Yeah! - So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot. You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours. Well, get pissy if you want, Mom. I've enjoyed the time we've had as a family.

Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience." (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President! Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be...

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away,

(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

Hey, Stewie, thanks for coming with me.

ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

What do you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey... Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas.

I hope you got our card. We had quite a cold snap here. Okay, nobody talk, we'll just wait for her to talk. Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear? Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold. The pond froze over a family of raccoons.

I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know... so you could spare his feelings and let him down gently. Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why?

You Andy Dufresne? A little bit. You? (LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you?

That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah!

Oop, you're gone. And the family's gone. Oh, my God, we're actually here in Paris. This is so exciting! (FRENCH ACCENT) Good day, foreigners. On behalf of the country of France, we surrender.

You know what? No. That's it. I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg. Chris, don't you see? You have no choice. I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money and they'll ground your ass for a year. I don't care, tell them. 'Cause I'm not even going to be here. I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again. Good, go.

(LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty. My VCR's still broken. Did you remember to watch Survivor? Yes, sir. All right, I wanna see it. Previously on Survivor, Grace won immunity after lying to Kyle about a stomach virus. I've seen this. Fast forward.

Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU. Now, I think we should go down there to support him.

You guys remember Jeff?

Oh, Yes! And--And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there.

(ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute! How the hell do you guys know about that already? It's all over the Internet. Look! MAN: Does Lauren Conrad have a new beau? An anonymous source has the answers. STEWIE: Oh, yeah. I know that guy. His name's Brian Griffin, and he definitely boned Lauren last night.

Ugh! Ugh! Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise?

What the... Who the hell are you? Who the hell do you think I am, sweetie? Oh, no. You mean... That's right, baby. As of last night, we're man and wife. By the way, I need you to call my pimp and tell him I quit. Oh, my God, I... I married a hooker? Married?

That was beautiful. I'm gonna tell my friends I banged her. Hey. Thanks for saving my life. Well, it was the least I could do. Obviously, it turns out you were right about Penelope.

Yes! Yes! I'll have what he's having.

(GUN CLICKS) Okay, now me. That's a stop sign!

(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right.

How'd you get in here? Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty! Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man. Old man? What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard? (GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too! Now, you come home and start acting your age! No, Peter. I don't want to act my age, and you don't want that either.

Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E You must refuse

Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it. Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please. Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson. Sh-sh-she's new.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

- What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck.

Aw, Come on. The don, the captain of the mafia. Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia. "The don's daughter is getting married tomorrow. "Here's my invitation. "Now get the asterisk- percent-ampersand out of here, you SOB." What's a SOB? Ah!

(SCREAMS) Rupert! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no!

I was selfish. You weren't selfish. I realize I put a lot on you. I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this. But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time. Wow. Well, all I want is for you to be happy. You're my dad.

All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot?

You see, everybody needs just one person to believe in their dreams so they can spread their wings and fly. Dad, can I have money for dance classes? Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. I'd pay to see you not dance. When will you be back? I don't know. But I'll be sure to be back before Chris' big dance class recital. I believe in that boy. I don't want to dance! You'll dance!

I faked all my orgasms.

Donna? It's Grant, your new husband. Hi, honey. I've got great news. What is it? First, where do we keep the good scotch? At your brother's house. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (PETER LAUGHING) I got an audition for the hottest new play in town. This could really make my career and we can finally start our family. What's it called?

You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys!

I'II talk to you later. Well, what did he say? He said he'd think about it. Okay, so where were we? Okay. f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good.

(SCREAMING) Ghost. - Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole.

To be, or not to be...

What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset. (BOTH MOANING) You know, I can just wash it off when I get home. Why? What's in there?

If it rang, like, six times, that means he didn't hear it.

As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard!

Um... You shouldn't be... Um... You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him. - (PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN - PLAYING)

and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town. Yeah, but I told them it was part of a geological survey. (CHUCKLES) Batman, Batman. They built a Lazy Susan for your nuclear car. That's something they consider conversation-worthy.

Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.

And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

I put his old legs in a bag, if you want them. Oh, great. You know, we'll take 'em home. We'll give 'em to Brian. Come on, Joe. I'll drive you home. Are you kidding? I've got working legs for the first time in 15 years, and I'm gonna use them. I'm walking home. I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson, hospital rules. You have to leave in a wheelchair. (SIGHS)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card?

I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done Quiet, everybody, this is it.

And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me. And I want to thank you

Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you. (MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

You son of a-- Ahh!

Did she just say that George P. Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name? Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, the greatest movie of all time. I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that?

Form of steam! Peter, we got these in a box of FrankenBerry. A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!

I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants? Hey, Meg, what's with all the beer cans? My dad got a job at the brewery and he gets lots of free beer. Actually, he's kind of been going overboard lately. - Oh, my God! - Hey, Meg, you seen my pants?

They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe. They're not capable of judgment. And even if they were, who cares? They're whores. Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh?

(GROWLING THE RIGHT STUFF)

Now, kids, you all know that your mommy once gave special on-camera penis kisses for money. Am I... Am I old enough for this conversation?

Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op?

Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner.

What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats. Hey--Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather, Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi. What did you just call me? I--i--I thought that was your name. That is our word! You've got no right using it! Hey--hey--hey, I'm cool. I'm cool. No problem.

Okay, all right, I got one. Would you rather be a hobo with a five percent chance of getting inherited by a rich guy, or be Hitler two years before the end of World War II? 'Cause you know you're gonna have to shoot yourself, but you still got two more years as Hitler. If you're the hobo, do you have a place to sleep, like an underpass or... Different every night.

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm.

So get ready, fuckers. (SNIFFING) Oh! That kung pao chicken smells good. You smell that, Brian? All I can smell is your ass. Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet. You'll never guess who it was.

I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

I'm sorry, everybody. Mr. Franzen has informed us he's not coming. Like most real authors, he's too good for this dumb town. ALL: Aw! MAN: I hate it here! Well, this crowd was promised an author.

(DR. HARTMAN GROANS) Dr. Hartman?

A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where. You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it. I had to ruin it? Yeah, you. I was actually hoping that you'd talk me out of returning the sweater. So, you're right, I guess I am a moron.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it! Who else? (ALL LAUGHING)

How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. Nice try, skank. Worth a shot.

Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead.

Look, Peter, why don't you just grab a book off the shelf and be quiet? No! Books are jerks. Stop acting like a brat. What about a picture book?

f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible?

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.

Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy.

"oh, no, no, no "I'm A rock-it man "rocket man "burning out his fuse out here alone"

Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!

Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero. Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys. You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back. I'll never forget that. Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work.

"Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin."

Quagmire's in there about to have sex with our daughter. That son of a bitch. Let's... Wait a minute. Do you hear that? I don't hear anything. I know. Isn't it bliss? Peter, let's go! Mmm. Thanks for the ice cream, Glenn. And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants. Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh?

Take it easy, guys.

Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And vice versa?

(SIGHS) She's right. I'm sorry, Mayor West. Well, you were only doing what you thought was right, Brian. And, hey, you've distracted everyone from the Dig 'Em statue, so I guess we don't need this bill anymore. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody happy!

I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are. Don't worry. I've got that covered.

I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't get me oh, and How long has the coffee been on the burner in the kitchen? I could really use a cup about now oh, It's not very fresh, you see, I meant to make more but I made the mistake of getting caught up watching Oprah, she had on James Garner James Garner? What's he plugging? I don't know, some crappy movie on T.N.T.