comb.io - Clips

CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.

(DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus. Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here. Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.

a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs.

Ok, drop it! All right, you guys. Let's get out of here. All right, stand back! Whoa. Hang on. Sorry, no one can leave. Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero.

I'm sorry, but I can go no further. What? Why not? If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with. Good luck, brave travelers. No! We were so close.

You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad. Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal?

She freed Willie Horton, she nailed Donna Rice-- - Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies. Peter! Peter! Just a minute. Listen to me, please! This election is about our children's future. So ask yourself, what kind of future will it be if you elect a man who has never taught a student,

I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well! Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing through static. I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.

Hey, Brooke, it's me again, Brian. Hi. Wasn't sure if you got my last message... or any of the other ones. Anyway, I'll just leave a quick message... 'cause you might be trying to call me right now.

And just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

You might actually... You might like this. You should look at it. All right, damn it!

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois.

Oh, hi, Lois. What are you doing here? I'm filling in for Peter. He's sick. All right, finally a little harpoon in the bowling alley.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Superman 5: The Broken Condom. Hey, Lois, ready to go to dinner? Yeah, sure. Just let me grab my purse.

(EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like. Will you stop that? Hey, can I borrow 50 marks?

What a queer. He's going all the way to Vermont for cat gifts and whatnot? You can get a scratching post down at Walmart for $2,

Guess I'm going for a ride.

I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

- He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no... (BRAYING)

How could you say that to me? Just calling it like I see it. Listen, why don't you... You know what? You can just go to hell! Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't mean to start anything. Let's just forget it, okay? We're having a good time. I don't want to forget it. How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose?

(SIGHS) Tea Party. Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen. This town is going to go to hell. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. I'm glad we waited.

Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie? Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape. Okay, well, I guess you can take my license.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime. Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic!

Great. We're checking out naked girls. I am so into girls.

Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you? I'm Luke Skywalker.

Hand me that paper bag. Jack, that's got my poop in it. I know, I know. It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery.

Good morning, Mom and Dad. Wow! Look who's finally out of her room after five days. Oh, you're alive. I guess you are gonna need that college fund. Chris, do Daddy a favor. In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel. Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him.

Finally, I have a reason to wear this big bow tie and cigar I bought at the Dress For Success store. - Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are?

If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. Those were very bad times. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you very much. Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up. Ah, Please flush the toilet twice. Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a deAR.

Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad? Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years.

Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing.

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him.

Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee!

Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.

- Stop it. - I have an itch. I don't care. Dead people don't scratch their balls. Well, I can't help it. It's these damn wool pants. I'm going bananas.

Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Improv!

(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees.

Here's your martini, ma'am. Thanks. It's gone! I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one. What the hell is going on here? Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive.

Oh, God! What am I going to do?

Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.

Oh, my God! Mom, is this for real? Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie. It's the end of the world. Holy crap. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Seems like I've run out of waiting time.

All in favor of "guilty," raise your hands.

(SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you?

It's your tail. Stop wagging your tail. (WHISPERS) I can't help it. Do something. (GROANS) (GROANS) Oh, damn it. I meant hold it, not cut it off. You weren't specific. I've never done this before.

But I wanted to stay, 'cause I almost had sex on this girl. Oh, yeah! But it was so expensive. Each drink was, like, six dollars forty. And if I've done this right, then this is your card, Stewie. Really, Brian? Card tricks? That's what's gonna close the deal with this woman?

and you kick that fish's ass! God, I love him! I can't believe how terrible the fishing was. Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches. Well, thank God we came prepared. We brought enough food to last us... Holy crap, Chris! What the hell?

Peter, it really doesn't matter. Catholicism and Judaism are not that different. They're two sides of the same coin. In fact, the Last Supper, one of the most iconic images of the Catholic faith, was a Passover seder. And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family. Let's not muddy things up here.

Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do. (CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been

And, in other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school, was killed last night when his motorcycle careened off Dead Man's Curve. Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene. But they decided it was best not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives.

you 'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru right to a touchdown. (PETER SINGING JINGLE)

You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

What do you say we make a little whoopee? Yeah, sure. Why not? (BOTH MOANING) You okay? I'm not hurting you, am I? No, I'm fine. What are you talking about? I just want to make sure you're comfortable. (BOTH MOANING) I love you, Brian. Sock it to me!

What's that? Nobody said anything, Brian. Oh, I thought someone just asked why they are honoring me. - No. Nobody asked that. - Oh, okay. It's no big deal. It's actually... It's just... You remember the book I wrote? Faster Than The Speed Of Love? They loved the book so much, they want to give me their most prestigious award. Mmm. Look, this is a really big deal.

That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know? I... I lost my temper onstage.

YEah, And use up all the towels in the men's room! Peter! Sorry. Man, these things never get 'em completely dry. Where's Stewie? Hmm... Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall!

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

Oh, my God! Meg's in love with Tom Tucker! Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like.

(STEAM HISSING) (GROANING) (SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out. I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours,

So now what do we do? Me? Am... Am I... Am I supposed to say something? Kevin... You're under arrest for the crime of desertion. Oh, my. Uh, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. You may use the yard.

Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal. Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started.

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

Don't worry. I'm not taking you pansies. I'm taking my new friends. This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland. Is Portland the black one? Portland is the black one. Joe, what the hell is this?

but we're doing everything in our power to get you safely back to Earth. We're pretty good at this. We're like six for eight. Is there anything we can do? Well, fortunately, the ship runs on autopilot. We just need some time to figure out your coordinates and calculate the reentry plan. So just try to stay calm and we'll figure this all out. By the way, you're all quite famous now. You're on every news channel.

Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion. And I had named him and given him a back-story. Chucky had the biggest hump of the camels in his village.

Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.

Oh, hi, Bettina. Thanks for the sex last night. But, just so you know, you didn't really get in. All right, let's see what you guys have done to make yourselves look like douchebags. Mayor West, come up here.

Hey, Stewie. Um, hey, what's up? Were you... Were you just looking at Rollerblades? What? No. Yeah, who cares? What do you want? Listen, I was at the hospital earlier, and I heard something I wish I hadn't. Oh. Please do not tell me it was a sexist remark, because that is not okay. You know, those nurses are busting their asses, weighing people and seeing how tall they are.

I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!

I'm here to pick up Nicole.

Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now? Oh, Sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife? A-And look at you twO. Quasimodo and Lumpy. I--I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn. Oh, Do me! Do me next! Come on, baby girl. Let's go to the park.

Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're gonna get hurt.

Come on. Let's get out of here. All right. The two of you stand over there and I'll send you back where you belong. Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe. Come on, a place where humans are in charge? I can't pass that up.

Ribbity. What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard.

Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack! - That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR?

Establishment Establishment You always know what's best MAN: You suck! Learn the rules! And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes.

Well, I wanna go out with Michael. Peter, you're being overprotective. Look, why don't you just talk to him? You might find out he's not so bad. All right, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me, and right now it's telling me I have... (MAN READING)

HEy, It's Glen Quagmire, the wacky next- door neighboR. What's he up to this tiME?

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee"

Day 171. I've sprouted another finger,

Jeez, full house.

Because you touch yourself at night.

All right, Quagmire, just so you're clear on the law. Once you give this child up to the adoption agency, you can no longer abort it. Hello, sir. Do you wish to put this child up for adoption? Yeah, it's not working out. I need to get her out of my hair. Well, we can help you there. Is it a boy or a girl? It's a girl. Her name's Anna Lee.

Lois, what the hell are you doing?

I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter. Good morning, Lois.

(SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

This corn is special. So, tell me about those knockers. Is that just, like, implants, or did they reassign some ass fat up there? All right, I'm out of here. (DOOR SLAMS) I wonder if I could push mine inside. Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone! I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

You see, women are a lot like Saturday Night Live sketches. Lots of them are awful, some are decent, and a few are pretty good.

Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension. Let me ask you this. What about all the Renaissance art that Christianity inspired?

And I'm not giving up on my dream, like I did with that indoor hot-air balloon. PETER: And away we go.

No, Chris. And, you know, tricking some bigger, more athletic people? Lois, not that I'm rushing you, but when do we get to the wine drinking? Hang on. Hang on. Before we do anything, I'd like to say a blessing over the candles, if I may. Bear with me. I haven't had much rehearsal time. (CLEARING THROAT) (PRAYING IN HEBREW)

My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING) RED: Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved,

Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da! I guess we got some kind of joker here!

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

- In the past 20 years? - Yes. Is it Richard Mulligan? Yes! Up until now, we've been fighting Bertram on his terms. Whoa, easy. Easy, girl. Easy, easy, easy. But I propose an invasion. We've got to fight him over there by the swing set so we don't have to fight him here at the sandbox. Stewie? What's this?

Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

it'll mess you up It'll make your mama cry, that's no lie You'll choke on your tongue and die Gotta give it up Give up the toad now It's no joke, buddy Give it up Gotta give up the toad now Or you'll croak, buddy

Hey, is your refrigerator running? MAN: Yes, it is. Are your doors unlocked? What? Why? I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?" Hey, there's all my favorite people!

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show!

And if you won't do it for me, do it for Fish Jesus. Do you have Fish Jesus? Of course. He was nailed to a board and hung in a man's study as a novelty to sing funny songs. Your god is a gag gift. Did you know that? Would you excuse us?

Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand. Doug and I are abstinent. But if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count. We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord. Meg, when I was your age, my parents tried to feed me the same nonsense about premarital sex. You're lying to yourself.

Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jack... Oh, boy.

In the Pine-Sol scented air Somewhere that's green Between our frozen dinners And our bedtime, 9:15 We snuggle watching Lucy

Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do?

What's a library, Dad? Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside.

you've still got a hell of a lot to see You've got a lot to seE Brian, I've missed so much!

I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

Hi, there. May I help you folks? Yes, my family and I would like our portrait painted. Well, you came to the right place. Looking good. Almost done. And there. Done.

That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me. And I had to sleep with my mother for a week. I am quite finished. Peter, if you want to ride that roller coaster, you're going to have to go on a diet. A diet, huh? All right, well, how's that work? Well, I suppose you can start by keeping a food journal,

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?

Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey! (BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?

Great workout, Bobby. Up yours, sack breath! That's "Mr. Griffin." But, Peter, why would they make you President? Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

"I pity the fool who does drugs."

Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

And I'm very thorough. I will wash the abdominals. Not all nurses do, but I do. And yes, sometimes I graze it.

This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. Remember?

That's how my old scoutmaster shakes hands. Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.

You can tell him yourself, because Mike is Peter! Oh, my God. Are you serious? That was very good, Peter. I know! (CELL PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) Geez, that's all my life is lately, just a bunch of chores. I'm sick of Lois always making me do stupid stuff. I know what you're saying, Peter. Bonnie's always making me do all these impossible household tasks.

(BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone. Oh, thank God, we're saved! I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.

We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me? Oh, Meg, honey. Our home is your home for as long as you like. We could offer you the guest room, provided that it doesn't bother you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there. Oh. I guess not. Uh,

Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop.

Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right? Okay, for real now.

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger Lois Griffin. Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just bleed all over the city? Stay with us.

Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.

I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once, you're going to stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you.

You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H." Sounds right to me.

I got to tell him. Hey, Cleveland. Joe? Sorry, I dialed the wrong number. I meant to call Cleveland. No, I just wanted to tell him something. No, I'd like to talk to you, too. It's just that-- Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland. I don't feel obligated. I want to.

Touche, salesman.

I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart! Don't let her see you cry, old man.

- Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not.

Hey. Hey. So where's your good buddy, James Woods? Turns out he wasn't very good at catching stuff with his mouth. - Where's your girlfriend? - Same problem.

Heh, Look at that, Lois. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me.

(ROARING) People, you are free! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

Hey, Rock, I'm porking it.

Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?

(STAMMERS) What happened? He fell. - Huh? - He fell. Fell in the pit. Oh! Good. Yeah.

I can only imagine Madeline would say,

No, no. No way. Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous. - She's not hideous. - Oh! Well, let me ask you something. - Does she have an alibi? - For what? Why would she need an alibi? So, you're saying she does not have an alibi. Well, no. Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi. She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly

I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room.

What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

My name is Voit, dumb ass.

Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? Well, I just... Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but... What is it, Peter? You're getting kind of fat. What? It's just... It's not healthy. Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape 3 times a week.

DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What? Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Ow! Stewie, that's not nice. Don't grab Mommy's pants like that. You could really hurt her.

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house.

All right, I'll do it. Boy, you're more persuasive than James Bond.

and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common. You watch NCIS? Yes, sir. Yes, I do. CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back.

Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Alan Adler, David Preslack, Julie Axlerod, Shep Sutton, Scott McCormack. And That concludes the list of people who were mean to me in junior high. Tomorrow, high school.

Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree.

You know, when she tugged her ear at the end of that show, she was really saying good night to her mom. I wonder what she tugged to say good night to her dad. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

Rocky, please don't go to Mars and fight the Martian. I got to do what I got to do. But there's no oxygen on Mars. Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either. That Martian wants a fight, he'll get a fight. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old! Hey, look what Rocky bought me with his money.

Um... Leia, wow. I didn't get raped. Okay? Okay. - Okay? - Okay! I'm here to bargain for Han Solo and the rest of my friends. What's your price? Master Luke, be careful! You're standing on...

Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I might asphyxiate myself, just to teach you a lesson. Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois, either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman. Chris, would you run and get some milk?

Wouldn't that be DUMPF? The "F" is silent, like in "knife." We're actually working for the federal government, and we need your help. Do you want to be spies like us? Can we be spies like them? We've actually resolved our differences.

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC. They will clean up all your talking

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me. You love me, and you know it. Hey, hey, mouth, young lady.

- Let's just go to the bar. - Sounds good.

Oh, that's easy. Blind. It heightens your other senses to near superhero levels. Yeah, and every woman I did would be Cheryl Tiegs. Definitely blind. You guys are crazy. Hey, you don't wanna be a midget? One of those funny little guys runnin' around gettin' in all kinds of shenanigans. Smokin' a cigar, while you're ridin' around in a stroller.

NARRATOR: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained... by two separate yet equally important types of shows. Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of e veryda y situa tions. ' ' like trying to fix your own plumbing or in Viting two dates to the same dance. And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.

Uh-huh. What's your name? It's Jan. Okay, here you go, Dan. Yeah, it's Jan.

(INDISTINCT SPEECH) Ah, it's so hot just knowing you're in a truck. Good morning, Officer Swanson. Oh, hey. Nora. Listen, I... It's okay, Joe. You don't need to explain.

Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR. "I'm so stressed.

What the hell? Hey, sluts! OMG, stop staring at me, please. Okay, thanks. Mom, are you okay?

(UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't

You're talking out of your ass. It doesn't matter, Brian. I'm tan. Hey, Brian, Brian. Look at my tan walk. (SIGHS) Devon, do you have a cigarette? Sure. And here's a copy of my last movie. It's essentially Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses. Hey, the sun's been up for an hour. Shouldn't we get riding? Are they still sleeping?

Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that!

Now it's an AIDS quilt. Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me.

We're here at the 17th hole, where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Jr. are 5 strokes ahead,

(DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...

English - US - Line 21

Everybody that works in an office is gonna say to their coworkers, "Hey, type in 'dog, baby, heinie lick.' Check this out." And then the boss is gonna say, "Hey, what are you doing there? "Oh, yeah, that's funny. I saw that in my room." "Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'"

Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard? Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity. Okay. Well, he was on Growing Pains.

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America ALL: The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue

Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

My God, you're condescending. I'm making a legitimate point about how poorly this family treats me. Brian, you can't say this family doesn't treat me like crap. Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up. (STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right. Well, it's one or the other, Brian. Geez, look at those two. They're goin' at each other like an Italian guy and a black woman.

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right?

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body.

"Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, Lois, give me a penny. You're not gonna throw it over the edge, are you? No.

Oh. Hi, Angela, I'm Peter's friend, Glenn Quagmire. Thank you so much for having me in your home. And I would have had sex with you, but Peter neglected to tell me that you are a complete dumpster fire. Some friend, huh?

Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly- line worker, but you'll be happy to know, our company does not pay him to think.

All right. Stand by to jump to lightspeed. When we arrive at Endor, we will destroy the Death Star and then begin setting up the Ewok reassignment camps. I hate that stupid fish man.

There's a perfectly simple explanation. He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation, which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds.

You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha!

Magnolia Cupcakes? (SCREAMS) Rupert! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no!

- Oh, Quagmire! - Shh! Quagmire! Silence! C'est Quagmire. (CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap.

Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty. Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your-- Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little-- Ahh! Oh, God!

Suck on that? Suck on this. Tic Tacs have only one-and-a-half calories. Well played. I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.

Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef.

(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary.

I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all. I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I guess it's-- it's up to us, as parents, to be a part of the solution. I'll go talk to the principal tomorrow.

You know, Brian, Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids. Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light?

What the hell is so bloody fascinating? (GASPING) You! Well, well, well. If it isn't my half brother Stewie!

Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it. Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS)

It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off. Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked!

Thank you, Diane. There may have been some sort of commotion on the rooftop, but the real story was inside the mouths of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman, Where a meeting of the tongues, a summit of saliva, established a new world order of love.

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money?

All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.

Come on, you're worrying about nothing.

I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't get me oh, and How long has the coffee been on the burner in the kitchen? I could really use a cup about now oh, It's not very fresh, you see, I meant to make more but I made the mistake of getting caught up watching Oprah, she had on James Garner James Garner? What's he plugging? I don't know, some crappy movie on T.N.T. Very good, Jonas.

PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go!

All right, hang on. I gotta go to the bathroom first. Okay, let's go. Oh, finally! Come on. Come on. Come on inside. Well, what is it? What's the big damn deal? Look. It's a cat. Yeah! I just got him today. His name's James.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

- Cool Runnings. - Right! After years of study, I've discovered the secret to longer life in canines. And that secret is-- We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time. Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider!

I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.

Then she stood up by herself and started walking! Her first steps? Yeah. What the hell are you doing in here anyway? All right! Her first drum solo.

How am I a bastard? Oh, you want the full story? Meg, please. Not now, Mom. (BRIAN SLURPING) (SNIGGERS) I think Brian's getting a little water in there. Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you?

You think you could get me a room by the pool? (LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star. (MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in. There it is, 2187. I'm on it! Everything's under control here. Situation normal.

PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating.

Doctor, is my brother really insane? Mrs. Griffin, we don't use the word "insane." We prefer the term "mentally hilarious." I can't wait to meet the lunatic. I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw.

Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. Ok. You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right?

Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. I'm very disappointed in you.

Come on, Lois. Those-- Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I--I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh! You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber! And you!

You've checkmated my teenage cynicism!

Dad? (PETER WHINING)

Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

(GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian!

During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that!

You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you. Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I just wish one person was able to find me attractive. That's not too much to ask, is it? No! Look, Angela, I came over here to punch you and maybe kick you in the boob, but now I'm all turned around. Angela? Angela? Right here.

Though by many they're abhorred Hebrew people I've adored

Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from. Peter, you did it.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Give them back to me! They're of no use to you! I'm going down the mountain. Coo-coo-catchoo. No! Don't listen to him! That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing! Here I go, down the slope. Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob.

All right, that's it. We got to do something about this. We have got to get that record and destroy it. Just like that fat-person surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms.

They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic.

- Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick!

East of Eden? So you--you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to, huh? You know, this book's been around for 50 years. It's a classic. But you just got it last week, and there's a giant Oprah sticker on the front. Oh, oh, is that what that is? Let me just peel that right off. So, uh, what are you gonna read after that one? Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn!

(LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.

(EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS)

Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.

Especially from a fortune cookie. What does it say, Peter? Just something about perseverance. What does yours say? It says I'm very creative.

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it! What the deuce are you all staring at? Is there something wrong with me?

Yeah. Right into someone's pocket. You think one of us stole it? I never said the word "stole." Looks like someone has a guilty conscience. Guilty conscience! Ha! I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable. Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July.

He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie

Wait, hang on, hang on! Did I tell you about that over there? Stewie, I can't physically see what you're pointing at. I'm getting off now. Bye. Well, your loss, Brian. That thing over there is pretty interesting. Huh? An alien in a grass skirt juggling torches. Yeah.

Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite. You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved, so you begin to think maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off.

I think I may want more cigarettes. I'll get you more cigarettes. But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike! Kids, I'm sorry to say this, but I think the two of you need to be punished. Look, it was an accident, okay? I mean, you can always buy another one, right?

Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

What do you want, homo? Listen, Mr. Pewterschmidt. You're a businessman. I'm a businessman. And I've got a proposal that I guarantee you can't refuse. See, I wrote this erotica book. And I was hoping you could loan me $7 billion to publish it. How about I loan you $5? It's at the bottom of this jar of barbed wire and salt.

Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it.

Peter, we need to talk about your son. The fat one or the funny-looking one? Dad called you fat. Wait. Stewie's really been acting out lately. And, I think it's 'cause he's not spending enough time with you. It's time that you take an interest in your son.

Yes, those are mine. Oh. Yeah, I need those. Uh-huh. I just don't know why you said it, then. Mr. Gutentag, can I use the bathroom? Of course. Down the hall to the right. It's the door marked... (SPEAKING GERMAN)

Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is! Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show.

Aah! Hey, You must be Lois. No, No, not silicone. Silicon. And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty.

Well, First I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it. So I jerk them around a little. They fight for a while. And--And then they just lay back and accept it. How about we get together later? Um, Ok. What the hell? Oh, Damn it!

I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Sorry, Lois.

He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage. Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!

Well, now, wait a minute. If he killed two people, how come he's not in jail? He was acquitted. Well, there you go. Everything's fine. Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.

I never wanted anyone like this

Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

Well, there some apples and some cinnamon and my hair. What? My hair's in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian?

(GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money?

It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time.

Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch. Look, I have to go.

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one!

I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. Now, look, Brian, there's a difference between being concerned and being overprotective. Now that's a dad talking. That is a dad talking, Quagmire.

That's the guy who ruined our cable. Let's get him! Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you people? Ok, yes. My husband is responsible for knocking out T.V. But we should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. Now we can see the world for what it is,

I don't know, Lois. I haven't met a single interesting person. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, trying to get back on my feet after having my ass handed to me by my bitch of an ex-wife. I'm Thelma. I'll just be going. Can I get you some punch? Oh, no. You see, if you're one of 10 million Americans like me... Like me. Like me.

Oh, no! Patch of sand.

Hey, Chris, it's me. I got something for you here.

Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around? No, I haven't. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor. When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way. Last night, for God's sake, you farted. I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Brian's gonna be so mad at me. What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right.

(SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it? Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope. Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party,

Did you have a nice trip with Brian? Oh, Yes. Smooth sailing through calm seas. Hey, uh, Kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, and Greg became his slave? Yeah.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

"Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. "Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end." I don't even want to look at his face. Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up.

Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.

I kn--I know. There's nothing-- Nothing to, um... To, uh... Um... Oh. Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"! oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk. G-Give me your keys.

(CHIMING) Well, I got AIDS again. Better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS. All gone. What time do you suppose it is, Brian?

I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace!

oh, Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs.

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.

Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion. We're willing to do whatever it takes.

Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack!

Now, Mr. Swanson, through the magic of digital imaging, we'll select the legs most suited to your body from our inventory of donors. Hey, what about these? Good choice.

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

Thanks, David. Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight. (LAUGHS) Come on. Come on, now. Okay, we'll leave you alone.

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops! Hey, excuse me, fella? Yeah, what do you want, shrimp? Just a few moments of your time. Hang on. Let me just get this little guy assembled.

Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you.

Wow. I guess you're right, but there is one thing, Mickey. You knocked up my mom and never called her again. Yeah, so what? So what? So let's dance. Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring And he never taught me anything But still I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad Oh, his face looks like a railroad map

Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir. Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows.

Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING)

I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table. How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car!

We did it, Daddy! I have my husband back, and you have your company. Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who... BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter.

Peter, you want some potatoes? Yeah, how you doing?

All gone. What time do you suppose it is, Brian? I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it.

but, me and the guys, we're going beekeeping.

Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them! Peter, what are you doing? Just--Just stall them, Lois! hA! Ha! Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. Ah, Peter, it's ok. It's just Death. Oh, Thank GoD!

Is what would've been awesome to say. Oh, no. It's a multiracial TV gang, including white guys. Well, well, what do we got here?

Getting scraped to death by my zipper. You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me? I'm the one who made you popular! (CHUCKLES) No, Connie. Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular. Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out! (CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt!

(GRUNTS) (HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS)

that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A

So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh? What do you mean? I mean crying and wetting yourself. You looked ridiculous. You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead. How was your bowel movement, Peter? I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker. Wait, what time is it? I got to turn on TMZ.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap!

There's way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation! So, what was it like on the other side?

What? It doesn't show dirt. I--I guess. It, uh, uh... You know, This really is the first place we've gone to. Perhaps we should try another lot. Sold! Well, Go on. Hot-wire it! Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! Oh, for God's sake! Hurry up!

He needs to learn it on his own. Why don't you get him a job or something? Whoa. Freeze-frame! That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. Go--Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her.

I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you

I also listen too much.

You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING)

These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married. So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful? Who wants to be pure? Who wants to be abstinent? Wow, he makes so much sense. I know, he's a visionary. Like Gandhi or Mozart or Picasso.

Wow! What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits? We sure do. oh! All right, class. That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oink has set the curve again. Oh, dang!

The flight's going to be a little longer than we have expected. Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off.

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?

Oh, wait. I can do this part. So, yeah. Thanks.

I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? (BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

now that he's lost his sight.

(GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. There was someone I had to see first. Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies,

That's a good argument. It's a very good argument.

Griffin! Get the hell out of my building! Holy crap, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're okay! You're damn right I'm okay, and I'm here to reassume charge of my company. Maybe I don't want to leave. Maybe I like being a fat cat. What are you saying? I'm saying it's my company now, and it's better than it ever was when you were running it.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. Someone we can trust. Well, A lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign. But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Hi there. Hi. I'm Cindy. The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me. Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian.

And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike? That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam!

but I can tell we're gonna be lifelong friends. And since you're black and I'm white, that makes it more special for the audience.

Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager!

Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, Don't pout, honey.

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice.

Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us? Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning? You want to play with one of Daddy's socks? What... Do I want to... No! What an odd request.

Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok. You have to talk to these new bosses of yours first thing in the morning. Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with CHRIS.

"Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'"

and I'm sure you'll feel much better about it. STEWIE: (DISTANTLY) She says that to Meg a lot, so that's not good. You're probably right. (SIGHING) Oh, well. I guess I just better go call all my friends and tell them the wedding is off.

It is so hot out there! How hot is it? Oh, I don't know. Like, around 98, 99. I don't get it. Ew, I think I'm a little sweaty.

Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!

(SHOUTING) So say good morning

"A parent giving porno to their kid "is a terrible thing. "but I'm here to tell you that I'm innocent!" Oh, yeah. Right. "I didn't give those magazines to my son. "My wife... "My--my--My wife... Lois..."

Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it.

But there will be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00. Oh, my God! The Bachelorette is coming to Ouahog. That's, like, my favorite show ever. Meg, how can you watch that crap? That show is not reality. It's all staged. It's a complete mockery of human relationships. You know, this could be the perfect way for Cleveland to meet Mrs. Right.

It's called "Toad."

C-O-A-G-A... (BUZZER RINGING) Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. Bet you could spell "box cutter." I'm nine years old and I'm Indian. (GROANS) All right, Peter, if you spell your next word correctly,

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh." Peter! Are you all right? Where's your father?

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.

Meg, you ever heard of Joan Van Ark? No. Here's a picture of Joan Van Ark. Oh, my God, she's gorgeous. Gorgeous. Yes. Yes, Meg, gorgeous. Yes. Every man wanted her. But one man got her. A man she trusted to keep her safe and beautiful forever.

MAN ON RADIO: Unit 17, this is base. Please report. 10-four, everything is Charlie 40 60. What does that mean? I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far. (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!

sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson. So, as you can see, Petoria has invaded U.S. soil. What are our options? Well, A military strike against such a small nation could cause an international backlash. True. But this kind of behavior can't be tolerated.

Guys, I can't thank you enough for what you did.

You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING) Everybody still awake? All right, big finish.

Okay. So, what kind of stuff do you like to do and junk? Well, I really enjoy some of the music black people have been coming up with lately.

The problem now is that these people are expecting a show. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (APPLAUDING) Hello, darling

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

What the hell? So am I. PETER: And so began our journey to find the splendid source of off-color humor as we know it. Our first stop was to see Bruce. Oh, hey. What size shoes is y'alls? Actually, we're not here to bowl. We were wondering where you heard that dirty joke you told Quagmire. Oh, that one? Oh, no.

Merry Christmas, buddy. Ha! Wonder what this could be? Oh. This Christmas rocks! Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom? Aw, It's ok, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, Honey, you got a little something--

I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode.

Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown.

And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities. Holy crap! They're all so... small. Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries.

It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess--

Hey, buddy, where are all your pals? Playing baseball. Well, why aren't you playing with them? 'Cause I don't have a glove. Oh, yeah? Gee! Just for me? No fooling?

Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter! Yeah, Griffin gets it!

Now Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms.

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it.

Because I just don't think it's safe. Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok! Are you happy? I've never been happy.

All right, fellas, bring the lights up a bit, play the CD I gave you and let's do this! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, that's right. You like that? (CHIMING) WOMAN: I have $50,000. (CHIMING) I have $75,000. Thank you, Brett Ratner. Do I have $100,000?

Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened? The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose. Oh, crap. And I was going to watch G.I. Jose.

(GASPS) Oh, my God, Peter, your Visa bill is $16,000! Somebody's been using your credit card. Didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet? I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. (POPS MOUTH) Peter, this is serious. Let me see that.

- Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el.

This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company! Oh, Sorry, Lois. What's your news? Well, I...

"He said hi to me today, and I almost died. "Also, I learned a funny lesson today in my pursuit of Kent, "anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL." BOTH: Oh! Oh! Oh! No, no, no, come on, now, come on.

You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam!

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have led him on.

Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I got distracted again thinking about Kent. (SIGHS) I can't do this anymore. I've just got to ask him out. WEST: Sorry! Honey, give me any laundry you have. I'm doing a diapers and Meg load.

Hey, Chris, was school any better today? No, I hate it. I never want to go back! Oh, come on, it'll get better. You just have to find your place. Let's go, Stewie. Time to change your diaper. I'm not worried about high school at all. Worst-case scenario... I'll carve out a niche as the effeminate male friend of the popular girls. Okay, tonight's my OCparty.

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

Unless... Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's true! Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh! And I just laid in dog poop. That's not dog poop. Sorry, we've been out here a long time.

Damn it, Swanson. I want them found. Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads. Not the Griffins, you moron!

Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump?

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

Eh, I'll think of something while I'm taking a chick dump in your parents' bathroom. And I will hold your purse.

Listen, I'm warning you because I care about you. I am going to the press with this story, and when it hits, it'll be bigger than Uncle Sam's nipples. Jeez! What the hell? Uh, they're called nipples, guys. They're freaking huge. You know what? Maybe we can just all relax and enjoy the sauna.

What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry. I just came from that orientation seminar about college dating. Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis. And I'm here to talk to you about rape. Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you. I'm not gonna rape you. I might.

How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

(QUAGMIRE GRUNTING SOFTLY)

Meg, you're here early. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work. Well, thanks. What's with the getup? Nothing. I just wanted to look sexy for Susie. How are your eggs, Joe?

No, your right hand. LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!

Sexy. Good-bye, Abraham Lincoln people. (SOBBING) I'm sorry, Meg. Eli was the best boy I'll ever meet. And now I'll never see him again.

Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What? I'm just trying to take an interest in your interests. My period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control. Gross.

She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer."

" guess so. Great. Thanks. All right, hold still now. You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss. I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye!

Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes.

What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here.

Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life. (SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog! He's got my neck! (SCREAMING)

Shape of Jayna's tampon. PETER: And now I play the waiting game. Chris, I saw the body. Premeditated murder is one thing, but I will not have lying in this house. Wait, hold it. Can we finish this after Joan ofArcadia?

What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion? Quick, everyone get in the attic. Peter, what is that? Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. I thought, "Wow, this is terrible.

Wait, I don't remember that last one. Yeah, it's freaking brutal, for no reason, you know? The poor little guy's just sitting there eating his Snack Pack. Bill Cosby just runs in out of nowhere and just starts wailing on him. Didn't that guy die? No, no, these are home movies from when I was a puppy. He died. Okay, look, just watch.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.

(LAUGHING) If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd be dead right now. Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris?

ah, It's so nice to be home. You have 113 new messages.

Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle. Ow.

Music is the gift I give to you PETER: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here! That nose better be piggy. - Shut up. - You shut up.

(CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street? They're all here for your surprise party, Meg. Peter, for God's sake, you idiot!

I have always wanted to do this. Oh, Here are the marsupials. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud. I am going to kick...

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster.

He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then that's the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase. Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here,

My God, look at this mess. "Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, "shall we maybe clean the place up? "No, it's okay, he won't mind."

And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl. Oh, Bonnie, I'm so happy for you! DOCTOR: Oh, my God! She's dying! What? What?

LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital.

Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where? To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming! Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa,

(GASPING) What? Oh, my God. Good Lord! I am a genius.

And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here.

I did okay. ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled! Oh, my God! Yeah, but don't worry. It ain't your brother.

Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago. Why, it's wonderful to meet you. We've heard so many nice things. Yes, indeed. So, how long have you been a prostitute? No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt.

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society? Yes, it is. What's the secret password? Mustache. All right. Come on in. Good afternoon, mustache wearers. Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet. There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum. Point of mustache.

I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk,

All I need is your address. You can jot it down on the back of my gun. Well, You do have an honest face.

Wouldn't it? (LAUGHS) Yes, it would. Would it ever? Wonderful! The best! Very fancy! Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?

There, that looks good. Doesn't that pie look good? Too bad we can't get at it. It's in space, and we're in here.

Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life. Sweet niblets? Yeah, sweet niblets. That's her catchphrase, sweet niblets. Say it.

God, I hate this freaking cat.

Oh! Look at how fat you are. You disgust me! Oink oink, fatty! Oh, yes, yes, You'll take butter on that English muffin, won't you? Because you're the cheerleading squad's token blimp. You don't deserve to eat.

Well, can we watch Lost Boys? I've heard of that one. Those are different lost boys. (WHISTLING) - Are you whistling Snowbird? - Yeah. That's awesome. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do you get to ring it?

Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure.

Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.

I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Joe, the guy's a menace. They've been with me three days now, and all he does is beat her day and night. And on top of that, they say they don't need to be entertained, but then they're always like, "Hey, so what're we doing? What's next?" Hey, Joe, can't you just arrest the guy? I can't arrest Jeff unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police.

BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone?

You'll see him in Paris. Go sit down. God, Meg's kidnappers could be anywhere in France by now. Well, we do have one lead, Brian. I have a recording of the kidnapper's voice. What? You do? How? I recorded the kidnapper's phone call with the fat man. You see, Brian, I record all phone calls coming in or out of the house.

Yeah, Cleveland, this is Quagmire. Uh, Listen, I feel awful. Why don't you come on over and we can try to get things back to the way they used to be? Remember how it was? Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us. That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges.

Than it really is when you actually stand back And examine it with some objectivity Amen PRIEST: Please be seated.

Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass. And from the looks of it, she likes it rough.

- I think we should do it. - What? Lois, you can't be serious. Oh, I'm dead serious. You think I liked sitting there pretending to be polite to those people while they talked down to us like that? Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this family always feeling second-best. I want to do something we can be proud of. I want Stewie, Meg, and Chris to grow up with some confidence.

Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this? There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes.

Welcome back to Diane! Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession. Erica, you know I love you. But I gotta come clean. I'm--I'm not really a man.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what, the real storm's in here. Okay. The emotional storm. Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's... Come here, come here.

Attention, everyone, this is a twist tie. It comes with every loaf of bread. When we are done selecting our piece of bread, we use the tie to preserve... Oh, my God!

Everyone, it's over. We can go back to Quahog. Hey, Lois, did you say something?

It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it! Get in. Come on, drive, drive, drive!

You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I--

Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion. (TRAIN APPROACHING)

M-Maybe you've seen him. His name is Chris Griffin. Wait A sec, you know, I think I got a picture of him somewhere. Here you go. Yeah, You can go ahead and hang on to that. I got a ton of them at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway, 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Mamma mia! What is this? Leonardo da Vinci, I presume. Who are you, little lisping baby? Your assassin, you overrated caricaturist! (GASPS) Stewie! That's my name, don't wear it out. (GIGGLING) See, that's brand new to him.

Let him go, kids.

First time? Yeah. You? (CHUCKLES) No. No, not my first time. Thanks for the lift, Gil. I think I'll take the express down. (OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb. I like cutting myself. I bleed a lot. Could I have the top bunk?

What? Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding. Your father is, uh... Oh, dear. How can I say this without upsetting you? Your dad is a pig!

Paris is lovely, and Nice sure is nice And Marseille is charming with champagne on ice But you, stinky Frenchman, haven't a clue Pew, stinky Frenchman, frog you ANNOUNCER: Hey There, Fruity.

Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound. Now try it again.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

What I'm hearing is a lot of yesterday talk. This isn't the way we're gonna do things under my leadership. We are gonna turn this company around. But, sir, the company's doing fine. Better than ever, in fact. Mr. Pewterschmidt would... I don't care what Mr. Pewterschmidt would have done. We need to take risks. We need a complete overhaul. Gentlemen, you're all fired.

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center?

Griffin. Party of two. Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you. Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons. Now, let's just try to enjoy our meal. I kind of get the helmet. But what's with the water wings? Well, you did order the soup. Like something could happen....

Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy. How do you not know about trick-or-treating? Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick.

How's your little experiment going? (SOBBING) Horrible. Three girls I don't care about made me cry in the bathroom.

You Remember when Margot Kidder was here? Ah, We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful.

Over there is our statue of Angela Lansbury. Protect us, oh, Lansbury, from rude teenagers, from soup that is both too hot and too cold,

You know what else?

He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check. Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself. See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something,

All right, wise guy, who are you?

(CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day. None of them serve breakfast all day. Do they have beer? Hey, Brian. In hopes that you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross.

Oh, no. I won't fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother? Yes.

Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone! Hey! Stop it.

Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up. You need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin? Huh? Huh? Ah-- There you go. Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh! Oh, uh, my--my-- My--My day was ok. Heh. You know, the usual. Ha.

Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place, it's illegal to disturb it. But He can't walk around with a bird in his beard. I'm sorry, You have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power!

And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane. I like to yell at mice with my shirt off. (YELLING) Sometimes, I like to steal other people's scabs. (YELLING) How do I stay so crazy? Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills!

Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane? Well, it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.

Well, That's the last of the furniture. No T.V. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah?

Here's a song by a gay guy.

what might not be okay with it. That's true. And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns,

This is like the closest I've ever felt to you. Okay. Oh, my God, I was thinking the same thing. We are so "us" right now. Do you know that? Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went.

I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't. Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings... - Manet, honey. - What? It was actually the Manet exhibit. Not Monet. But no big deal. People make that mistake all the time. Oh! Right.

- Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test...

Not likely. Hey, what if I just drank this whole bottle of ketchup? (GLUGGING) (CHUCKLES) Can you imagine? You dare me? Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup. So, how's the flying business? Not so great. The economy's sort of taking its toll. Lot of salary cuts. A lot of layoffs. Yeah?

Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic. Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.

Oh, my God! Are these pickles really only 39 cents? That's right, ma'am. Wow! This is incredible! (WIND WHISTLES) (BIRD SCREECHES) What the hell's going on here? And over here are my toys.

What? All I have to do is make one call to a friend of mine in Washington, and he can push your paperwork through. You'll officially be an American citizen. Not good enough, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I want citizenship for everyone here. Peter, you do not have to do this. Yes I do, Gerardo. This great land should be everything to you that it is to me.

Mom, I'm hungry. Can we stop and get some food? Well, I guess it is close to dinner time. Chris, Stewie, you hungry? (YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose? What? Yeah, exactly. "What?" Eyes front. (ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

we've now got to walk? Uh, Pretty much. Yeah. WEll, You know what this means? Yeah. I say, walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.

Inside out, 2 miles away.

Mrs. Lockhart? Chris, come down here. I need to talk to you. Why are you here? 'Cause I couldn't stand to be away from you for another moment. I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married.

Not bad, eh? Damn it! That was Fox News. Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness and they won't have him slandered.

Hey, look, it's the burning bush! Hail Mary, full of guys. Oh, come all ye face-full. Come on, guys, that's really dirty.

Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car? Blast! Ooh! A penny! Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head!

Well, I was about to take a leak.

Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we? Hi. He'll be right back. He's in the bathroom.

If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." "The loif of the w--" No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!" Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage.

These Texans are socially backward and politically, they're all stubborn as a mule. No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose. Of course he was. He was the star. No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no.

I'm telling you, Chris is dying 10 times worse than those other kids. He's got a very rare disease called, uh, uh, tumor-syphilis-itis-osis. Hmm. Sounds sexy. What are the symptoms? What are the symptoms? Take a look! He's growing nipples all over his body! They look like pepperonis. Who do you think you are?

Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote? Hey, honey, guess what?

Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos. Y'know, If you stay home, then you're just proving to the other kids that you don't belong there. Yeah. And you might have a really good time. I'll tell you one thing, I still regret not going to my junior dance.

Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank."

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down?

So, in my absence, you will listen to him. Come on, guy. Damn it! This is worse than being Kevin Federline's magic mirror. Magic mirror, how can I look like a douchebag today?

Every one of his teeth is in business for itself. You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.

No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that!

That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point.

Peter, I don't want your money! Well, fine, then. Have a box of Jeremy Irons Cereal. If you're looking for a prize at the bottom, there is none. Only more cardboard.

Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on? Yes. You're right, Brian. There is.

"What naturally occurring element has the highest melting point ofall metals?" Cadmium? Sorry, tungsten. Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got?

I'm not doing this! What do you mean, you're not doing it? I'm drawing the line. I wrote a script that really meant a lot to me, and you guys took it and turned it into something cheap and ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm not selling out anymore. I quit.

I only hear what I want to I've had it. The only place in town that's got power is Superstore USA while the rest of us are left to bake in the heat. There's gotta be something we can do to take that place down. Don't worry, Brian. I think I've got an idea.

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh.

(MUMBLING) Our servers. And from now on it's against the rules to pat female employees on the fanny. (MUMBLING) Like touching butts! And tell the African-American elevator attendant he no longer has to wear white gloves. Why don't you just tell him he can sleep with my wife, too? Daddy! Oh, Carter! You're back!

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um...

Look, they're sending Joe in. All right, listen up, fellas. Joe, wait, put your gun down. There's no point in fighting anymore. We'll leave quietly. Like hell you will. This is our Clam, and we are not gonna let them take it. Yay! All right! All right! Yeah!

Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin. Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois!

Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way! Aw, Crap!

but I must say this. I'm ever so content. Oh, I am too, Rodginald. Do you think perhaps one day, if we should marry, that I could sit beside you? Yes, I think that would be fine. Get away from my wife, you rascal! Such language in the presence of a lady.

Lois, my darling! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing? This is Lois, Peter's wife. How can I even think about trying anything? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian.

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

Uh, this is Advanced Physics, right? (SPRAYING) I have a right to defend myself as a woman! No means no!

(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but...

I Know What You Did Last Summer? No, Never heard of it. The Devil and Daniel Webster? Nope. Party oF 5? Was that a porno? Hey--hey, Don't worry about it. Sometimes You gotta do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent. Oh, The food here is fantastic. This is where I took Lois on our first date. You ordered a pie for an appetizer?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

Sorry, Chris. The plant can't come. It's his best friend. Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed. I'll--I'll take care of Woody, son.

Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this. You are really starting to take advantage of this whole situation. Peter's just expressing himself. High five for expressing yourself, Peter. High five! All right! This man seems bent on diluting the already watered-down significance... of the elevated hand slap.

- Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21

I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, like--like Jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and--and if you were cool with it, then, uh, you know, we would go from there. But This is a much better idea. I'm going to do it, Lois. I'm gonna realize my dream!

Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman? You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam. Are you saying I asked for this to happen? You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous.

Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher.

Yeah, I mean, there's no pictures of me, but I see you've got a dog collar and a leash. And look how big your doggie cage is. You could fit a human in there. Clearly, you're a good owner. It's such a weird situation. I just think somebody should be writing about it. Yeah. Do you think it should be me?

Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter. Well, let's eat. You must be starving, Peter. What am I, on trial here? Maybe you should just eat something, Peter. Go on, put some food in your mouth. Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God!

Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger? Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him!

White women, huh? Jewish waiters, too. I got this Jewish waiter one time. It was awful. Didn't tip him. You ever do anything bad to a Jewish waiter? What's that, Peter? I'm sorry. I was focusing on my drive. You're doing great, Peter. Just don't let him intimidate you. Guys, guys. Someone's getting frogged in the clubhouse. Quagmire! She sounds fat.

So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

So just Refund this man's money and we'll be on our way. I don't have your money! How about that money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Oh, Damn it! So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler.

I-- I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it. Go, get the ball. I say, are you blind, or just stupid? What do you mean?

Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence. Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead. Okay, well, either way, I'm getting paid and somebody's getting torn open.

That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.

(SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful. (TOILET FLUSHES) (BOTH SCREAMING)

Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet. Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but... (STAMMERING) It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I'm happy to help.

Crap. Well, maybe the doctor is the mother.

Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

It's just a stupid made-up word so boys like you can sit behind a desk, wear a fancy suit, and feel important. You're a jerk, and I had sex with your mother last night. And I swear to God, you let me out of here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again.

You're gonna have to stop with the kicking. Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.

(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, kids, if you have an open wound, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding. Then get some sleep and wait for the body to heal itself. Now we know. And like I always say, "Remember, you know enough." G.I. Jose

Yup. Yup. Yup. Mmm-hmm.

I was just asking if you wanted... We got enough napkins? Yeah, we got enough napkins. That's enough. That's enough, right there. (SIGHS) What time is it? Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't... (SHOUTING) Meg, sweep that up. Just get a broom. Sweep that up.

(SOBBING) Hey, there, young one, why so sad? It's just that I really like this boy, but his dad... Oh! Look out. (MEG SCREAMS) - (THUDDING) Sorry, there. Didn't realize how long it had been since Ol' Dumper did his business.

Hang on, I'll fix it.

If it is, pick yourself up some nice cheap pants, and good life to you. Inspection. (BUZZER SOUNDING) Dufresne? Dufresne? Dufresne, you better get your ass out here before you make me cut this sentence...

I'm really worried about her, Mr. Pewterschmidt... and I figured I'd come to you since you were always good at reeling her in. Well, Lois was always a wild stallion... but don't worry. I know how to control her. And I'll help you... but first, you have to do something for me. Eat this pine cone.

Course there's a very easy way of detecting fraud. Mr. Griffin, what is your wife's birthday? Uh... Give me another one. Give me another one. Where is your wife's hometown? One more, one more. What is your wife's favorite outdoor activity? Uh... Things an overcoat would say.

Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up. (STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right. Well, it's one or the other, Brian. Geez, look at those two. They're goin' at each other like an Italian guy and a black woman. Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy,

It's a boy! Victory shall be mine!

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. (BEEPS) All right, you guys, that was Lois.

You hear that? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there. Careful. She could be hiding behind any one of these statues. Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News.

I'm not gonna sit here and take this. I'm the only one in this family who has a job. Yeah, like she'd get paid for that. What did he just say to you? Nothing, there was... Well, it's like if you were... Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.

Ah, You mean this? Oh, God. Yes, I love that. Stewie! This is insanity! Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country!

Uh, What is this? Sea water, courtesy of that gentleman over there.

You're telling me that doesn't sound like Camptown Races? Not one bit.

Mickey McFinnegan, I challenge you to a drinking contest. (ALL GASPING) And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? Because I'm your son and I'm tough. I made it halfway through Failure to Launch.

So, did you let him have it? No. He let himself have it. This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe?

What was your favorite class?

I can't get water in my ears. I ate 20 minutes ago. You know, what they flush in Cairo ends up right here. (SIGHS) All right, I'll see what I can do. MAN: Oh, I can part the Red Sea.

Or is she? Wait a minute. That's my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wifE! Eureka! Now, come on back to the golf course. I've got a date. Death, wait. Wait, wait. Before we go, I need you to do me one more favor.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I think he's gone. I'm afraid he might not have survived, Mrs. Griffin. We've been searching these woods for weeks.

Yeah. I know they suck. Not all of them. You know, Some of these look pretty good. Really? Yeah!

Maybe you'll handcuff her? She'll hate that. Then I shall do that as well. And call her a bitch. Until I'm hoarse with rage. Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself? Yes, and then... What?

Look, I know it's gross, but when y-you're desperate and you're staring death in the face, you have no other choice but to-- Oh, There's a Comfort Inn. Really? Yeah. Good luck for us, huh? You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy. ah, Isn't this exciting?

Hurry, Peter, Steve's gonna be here in 5 minutes! Aw, crap! We're dead! I guess this is the end, boys. Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in Heaven!

I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois. Peter, it's me. You know what? Screw it. I am so gonna cheat on Lois right now. - I don't care if she finds out. - Peter... You got a condom? Never mind. I got this Milky Way wrapper.

Sure you'd like some gravy. How about that house there? No, that house is no good, Michael Cera lives there. He's just handing out low energy one-liners. Nice costume. (MUMBLING) I haven't put mine on. Not really.

but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble. Is there any more to this message? Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars. Say no more. Peter, wait. I-- "Very interesting. "But stupid."

This is a message to all... (LAUGHING) I'm not-- I'm not gonna be able to do it now. Okay, all right, okay. I got to get all the... I got to get all the laughs out. Okay? I got to get all the laughs out. Okay, all right. MAN: Today sometime.

That's a good idea, Brian. Let's try Google Earth. Worth a shot.

I think, still, yes. Thank you, Peter. All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with? A very pregnant Gina Gershon, or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident? Oh, hey, hang on, hang on. Look, you know, I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Okay, look, how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with?

Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING)

What luck, huh? Wow, sweetie! That was amazing! I don't think I could do that again in a million years. (BOTH GROANING)

Oh, this? This is Hartz Mountain Flea Dip. Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY)

(SIGHS) I'm so sorry, Kate. I know you hate dogs, and I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I just thought... (SIGHS) I thought if we got to know each other better first, you would eventually be able to see past it. STEWIE: (CHUCKLES) "See."

It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out.

Ew! I didn't hear you come in last night. Did you have a good time at your prostitutes' convention? Peter, I was just trying to help your mother meet some new friends. Lois, you're too nosey. Like that waiter at that restaurant. And who had the prime rib?

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass.

Whoa. Easy, kid. These people paid good money to get in here. Oh, yeah? How much are you charging them to get out?

It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

Stick around...

I had to fend for myself with my own 2 hands But today I'm hurtin' and I'll tell you why I got a hangnail hanging from my cuticle A hangnail It ain't beautiful It hurts like a bitch that I did last night Hey Chris. What are you doing? Just laying back in the cot peepin' at this here homey. yo, Pops! Let me have some cheddar.

Well, that's it then. We got to find somebody to seduce Neil. - Who, me? - Well, if not you, Lois, then who? Beverly D'Angelo? 'Cause I don't think she'd do it. And I don't even know how to get ahold of her.

(STEWIE GIGGLING)

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING)

Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible.

Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make.

I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night. Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

STEWIE: Don't do it, Brian. What the hell? Excuse me for a second. Stewie, have you been hiding in the back all evening? Yes, I'm saving you from yourself, Brian. You almost went in there and tried to have sex with that girl. So? What's wrong with that?

Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.

Yeah, the thing is, for this roll, we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome, but who is not actually handsome himself! Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him. Yeah, I think he'd be right, too. The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine, but who has never actually shined. Not one single time!

Hey! That guy is a dick.

What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el.

No, that's great actually, because now anyone walking behind you will know that you had $60. Wow! That is awesome, Lois! Your bum looks like an NBA guy's arm. Except it's not payin' someone to install a PlayStation in a car.

PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second? (GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo.

I am gonna eat your nose.

Hang on, sweetheart. We're taking off. The cave is collapsing! This is no cave. What?

ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch," text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now.

(SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it? You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, they were boulders! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Cereals do change.

Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady. - Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah. - Can you move your legs? - Yeah! Oh, good. I thought you were gonna be a vegetable, and I gotta tell you, Peter, I just don't think I have it in me. I mean, if you can't move, it's over.

How could Dad do this to me? Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He--He was doing it for you. He knows how much you want to go to Brown. There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. Now, that's not true. Libel's not a felony. It's a civil matter. Don't worry. Your father will straighten everything out.

All this violent music is what's screwing Chris up. What the hell? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?

Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger Lois Griffin. Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor?

And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.

So, Carolyn. Guess you should've hit that when you had the chance, huh, Brian? What? You're the one who told me to wait! You're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland. You know what you need? You need to stop pointing fingers and get out of the house. Have some fun. Real fun.

Well, lookie here. What do we got in this thing? Oh, come on! You planted that there! We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high? You boys are in a lot of trouble. Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American,

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing. All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

I pretty much just threw myself at Lois. So, you finally did it, huh?

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING)

Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd take them on a dream vacation to Hawaii right now. Say aloha, kids.

Hey, Mexican Superman, can I talk to you for a sec? When you signed the lease, you said there was gonna be, like, five of you living here.

And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed

Poor Peter. I know he's having a hard time with this whole divorce thing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (PETER LAUGHING) I got an audition for the hottest new play in town.

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

How is that even.... How you doing that? How you doing that? Oh! Everything here is fantastic. Oh, these clothes.

And now, the embryos will be inserted. The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

U.P.S. Heh, Little bastards ain't as smart as... Ah!

I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. I tried to call! I can't get through. The line's always busy! It's ridiculous. You can go wait in the appointment line, then. I know! I don't wanna wait! Sir, I can't help you. I don't have all day. You're going to have to take that somewhere else.

Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.

Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday. This Saturday? Meg, you can't miss Stewie's first birthday. But Mom-- Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party. And that includes you. Understood? I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter! She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt."

Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to...

They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not!

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom?

Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me?

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face,

(ALL GASPING) Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel! She was so young. She was so beauti... She was so gener... We were married.

Oh, that was good.

So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say thank you. And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow? I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here.

I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy.

Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy.

Count me out. I'm never going to the theater with Peter again. "Remember when you were younger, "Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights "translating books for you? "Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, "afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves."

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

- (WHOOPING) - (WOLF-WHISTLING) (HONKING) Just wanted to remind you fellas what you're all fighting for. Okay, this is it, you guys. They're going to announce the winning lottery numbers.

Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it!

Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game... in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty.

I don't know, Lois. I tried my best.

God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others?

(EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion.

I think it's a person. Oh, my God, maybe they have food. Maybe it's a rescue team.

Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments. So this will be our last episode of Jolly Farm. What? No. They can't cancel Jolly Farm.

Come on, everyone. The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start. Mary, have you seen Nicholas?

but I can't wait to see you tomorrow night. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'll clean that up. Oh, that's okay. I'll get it. Have fun at work! Okay. Bye, Chris. What do you think you're doing?

Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam.

My name's not Gabe! (SCREAMING) You're in big trouble, you little crap! You shouldn't have done that, little fellow.

Damn it! You ass! Easy, Clark. I hate that guy! It's been a long trip. You're tired. No! I hate him! Look, you're angry. You're dehydrated. Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better. (SIGHS) Okay. I just totally drowned this ant hill. Hey, when are we gonna get there?

Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena,

Tell him it sucks! Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid. I'm hungry. Jasper's residence. Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian? Peter? I-i-It's me. Jasper's my cousin.

Now, That's Shatner. When I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup, sitting on that rock. He is the biggest dork on the planet. Oh, Totally. And so, Because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions? Meg?

Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh? Start the car! Start the car! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.

Oh, yeah, maybe Herbert can watch the kids. He seems like a responsible guy. So it would only be till Monday, and we could pay you for it. Yeah, and it's real easy, I promise.

Googity. Googity. Glop.

So what are we gonna do here? Not so fast. Did you know you'd have to eat 17 bowls of those cornflakes to get the same nutritional value in one bowl of Total?

"Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm. We don't know anybody there." No, Brian, you have to give Mary some attitude. Look, you do my line and I'll show you. (SIGHS) "Mary, would you like to..." Without the sigh in front of it, please. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm! "We don't even know anybody there!"

Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on

I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me!

Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me....

All right, party people. Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance. And here to sing a romantic ballad is the one and only Sting.

It is bottomless. Who are you? We are the enchanted totem. The enchanted what? The enchanted totem. We hold the key to the bridge of eternal crossing. Which will allow you safe passage across the chasm without end.

(SIGHS) I thought they smelled bad (GASPING) on the outside.

It's wet and cold. Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away. What happened?

Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one. Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time. And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag. Thanks. And keep in mind, we can't use any actual brand names due to advertising concerns.

Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking,

You ready in there? Yeah. (MAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) You put some fake poo on the floor... Oh, no! Get out! Get out! Scat! This is more like it.

Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it.

I can pause it. I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to... (FARTS) Sorry. Oh, that's all right. It's just your body. Sometimes things slip out. Probably just making room for something.

Maybe someone in space. (ALL LAUGHING) Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done

When I'm through with our schools, our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up!

That man's a thief!

Peter! Peter! I think he's gone.

(WIND WHISTLES) My God. I think I see the Fishmans.

The Messiah, he's gone. Where did he go?

I wonder what they're all so surprised about. What? You've never seen a handicapped man before? They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe. They're not capable of judgment. And even if they were, who cares? They're whores.

I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today. Peter, This isn't a vacation for me. For god's sake, I'm trying to get healthy! yeah, Ok. Ok. All right. Hey, Hey, softball this afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake.

I've never seen such productivity. How is this possible? I'll tell you how it's possible. Because this man always put his job before everything else. His wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son. I need hear no more. Everyone, this is your new shop foreman. Welcome aboard, sir. Lead as you see fit.

You're not Arab! You two are coming with me. WOMAN: This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money. Oh, my God, Meg! Wonder what music they're gonna use for her? (FAIL MUSIC PLAYING)

It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off.

Don't wish it away Don't look at it like it's forever Between you and me I could honestly say

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House.

Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

I can see an Arby's through the trees. You're free, Peter.

We're looking for Muriel Goldman, honey. Hello? Is anybody up here?

Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right! Oh! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now!

Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this.

I did not! Forget it. What good is a car if I have no friends? I didn't wreck T.V.! My dad did! What? What'd she say? Peter Griffin ruined T.V.? And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard.

Egg and chips with jam booties! Welcome to the quahog Beer Party! I do feel a little guilty about polluting. I felt Guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. Peter, what are you doing?

Oh, for God's sake. I have a shoe appointment in the morning, and I want to be fresh!

You go to an intro class, and it's not even at the yoga studio. It's in someone's living room. And that's not even a yoga mat. That's the old pee pad from my crib. Uh, Lois, you might want to check this out. What is it, Brian? Take a look. And now, boys and girls, it's time for Petey's Funhouse.

Streetlight people

(HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian. (ROARS)

Oh, yeah. Peter, These poor, deluded people think you have divine powers. Praise Peter! We are your servants. It's a miracle! What would you have us do, oh, great healer of quahog? Well, There's really no need to do anything. Paint my house.

Take it easy, Peter.

We must be getting close to the Pole. Look at all these igloos. Look, there's a Persian igloo that takes up the whole lot. My children are teaching your children to smoke at school.

Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)

Hey! I was playing with that! Hey, come back here! All right. You asked for it. (PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN)

"Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me. "Their plans somehow relate "to the anniversary of my escape from the womb.

Yeah, no, I heard you, he was a Karma Chameleon, but how come I never met him? Because he died, Peter. Oh, my God, when? And how? Hey, Joe, what are you doing?

Peter, close the card. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine. (GUNSHOTS) (CLEVELAND SCREAMING) Here, Peter, why don't you open my gift? Ohhh! Zales! It's just the box, Peter. Tickets to Foxy Boxing? Yeah, it's this cool thing where girls in bikinis box each other. We're all going Saturday night!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, what's up? Hey, Quagmire. Just taking the family on vacation. That's good. Hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn.

Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!

(FARTING) I'm sorry. Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking. He embraced... Oh, God, I'm gonna move over here. He embraced it on his own, Lois. Well, after Rush opened my eyes, I am seeing the world in a whole new way now. To quote a famous troublemaker, "I have a dream..."

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men. We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this?

Hey there, buddy. Go away! You know, you remind me of a guy I know. This guy worked and worked and never wanted to retire, even though it would've been the best thing for him. You know what that man's name was? Jon Benet Ramsey.

Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it! Not now, Stewie. When we get home.

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique.

(CAR HORN BLARING) (TIRES SQUEALING) Peter, what the hell are you doing with a pickup truck? Wait, let me guess, this is because of the Redneck Comedy Festival, isn't it? "Oh, that dog of mine!"

Come. I got you a little something, you know, for the show.

The scene outside the U. S. - Petorian border as the sun rises on Day 1 of Operation Desert Clam. Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons. We now go to Tom Tucker,

So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter! Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare.

Hey, where the hell is my van? Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater. Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad."

Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't planning on spending all night there. Look, how about if I take you to the park, huh? Come on! You like the park, right? We're about to pass the turnoffs. Here it comes!

"Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?" Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me.

Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich. Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible. All right, look, I'll tell you what. I'll call Daddy and I'll see if there's anything he can do.

That's it! We have to fight fire with fire. If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump!

Well, it's all right. How hot can it be? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up.

I tell you, Lois, high school's a lot more fun this time around. And It's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns. Oh--oh, a-a-a-And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose, y'know, to make the guys laugh. And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation?

Do you think I'm fat? Only if you think I'm a serial killer. - What? - Nothing.

Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun. E-e-Everybody does it. E-Everybody I know-- Shut up! Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together.

Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah! I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body. Aah!

I'm sorry, Loka. I guess I just came here because I was afraid of being a freshman. Freshman? Freshman!

Do you know your phone number, son? The only way you'll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture. And I don't think you've got the grapes! Oh, It sounds like you don't want to go home. Are you running away? Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing! You know, son, running away never solves anything. You're getting to be a big boy now.

So you're calling me a liar? Well, I'm gonna take the high road and stick to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave their feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!

What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian? Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate. Peter, you don't know karate. And stay away from Muffy. She's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father,

Well, I can. Captain Piett, you're in charge now.

(GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie. You're acting crazy out there, man. (SIGHING)

Okay, well, how about this, Mahmoud? You know "progress" has the word "pro" in it, right? Shut up, Joe. Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink. What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom. Isn't he great? No, he's weird.

Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty. yech.

(CHUCKLES) He's too big for that car.

They don't respect you. What do you mean?

Ryan's gone. He finished his movie, he's moved out. How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what he offered? I think the whole thing was very strange. He thought you were strange! How about that? Whatever. I just can't help but wonder. Will I ever see him again?

STEWIE: Brian, could you come in here for one second? Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second.

(LAUGHING) Hello. Peter, congratulations on taking down that monster, Dr. Hartman. Yeah, what'd you do with your pain and suffering money? I got collagen. Hey, Lois, want to make out?

No, no, Peter, it's Japanese. Wait, are they the angry eye ones or the tired eye ones? I'm not sure I... The first one, I guess. I... I don't know.

It sounds like they found Peter's wire. Change of plans. The attack happens now. Now drive. Man, I never thought it would end like this.

Relax, Mr. Furley. I thought what you thought, but it's okay. Well, it sounded like... I know. I know, but it's fine. Go back to being dead. Peter, is everything all right? Yeah. Yeah, Lois. Everything's fine. You guys having a little breakfast? Yes, and Jerome made scones. Would you like one? Oh, they're delicious! I thought maybe later today, we could all...

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here. I say, this is more uncomfortable than having James Brady at a cocktail party. All right, so I got my handgun and I'm just randomly firing it into a crowd of people, and then... And then what? And... Nothing. Nothing. No, no, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story.

You'll feel better once you've testified Testify Oh, yeah Testify I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify. I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. - MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it.

They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward! Hey, muscly arm, why the long face? Oh, It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.

Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival.

Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher? It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment! What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored?

so, uh, uh, Tell me about yourself, Tina. Well, I really love music. Oh, God! Me too! You know, i--I just saw Don Giovanni. In my opinion, The best opera of the 18th century. Definitely. And the--the use of recitative throughout. I--i, Mozart was a geniuS.

Isn't this epic, Peter?

something that will save the universe. If I can just figure out what that is... Ugh, Bertram just voided his bowels. That's it! The genetic material needed for my creation is inside me. So I'll take da Vinci's place and pass it on. Wait, how did you get that from "bowels"? Huh? I'm just wondering how you got that from... You know what? I don't care.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers.

Come clean, man. YEah. Yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.

Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot.

Peter, would you put that away? I don't like you reading smut at the table. Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois. "He rubbed her shoulder sensually."

I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. (LAUGHS) (PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one.

Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave.

It seems today It seems today

So you actually put coke in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it? Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America.

(BRIAN CRYING) What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals.

Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes! I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume.

Listen to you! You don't know your own kids. That's the problem. It's not them, it's you. Me? Yes, you! And you know what? You've hurt your kids worse than any black hole could. Lois, you're overreacting. This'll all blow over by tomorrow.

Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

Comes the loving breeze

Okay, now I get it.

We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement.

PETER: We have a disturbance at the Fuzzy Clam. This is Officer Swanson. What's the problem? Well, one of the dancers was dancing with a guy and saying, "You're my favorite, you're my favorite," but now she's dancing with another guy. That's not a crime. Well, shouldn't it be? I'll be right there. (POLICE SIREN WAILING)

AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me. No! Why? Why? She chose the piano over her insulin.

Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

Say, How'd you like to pick up A handsome man's dry cleaning? Well, sure. But isn't that Neil's job? Little jerk hasn't been in all day. He hasn't? We got a breaking story! Some geek on top of Town Hall and he's about to jump! Oh, my God! Neil! Is it Neil? Ha. I've been calling him Ned all week.

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life

But we know he did it.

Actually, my gullet seems to be rumbling. Ah! There we are. Oh, I say. I've laid an egg! Oh, That wasn't so bad. I don't know what these women are always complaining abouT-- Ahh! Attention, New quahogians. Today, my vision for our future comes true.

Well, you should've thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse. I own you. Now, here's my post office key. I need you to go downtown and get the stuff from my PO box. You don't get your mail here? No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands. Like what? Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year.

Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that. Oh, come on. I don't think Quagmire appreciated the condition you returned it in last time. Glenn, can I just... (REGULAR VOICE) No! You can't have it! Hey, guys. It's James' birthday tomorrow. Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah. And don't just put your name. Write something clever.

(ALL SINGING) They go assault a queer They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now... you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, you know, that's something to think about.

GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than 100 grams of sodium? Uh, uh, uh. Keep going. Not that one. Uh, uh, uh. Not that one either. Uh, uh, uh. Nope, not that one. Look, this isn't even for me. It's for my homosexual lover. MALE ANNOUNCER: Uh, uh, uh. The Bible's pretty clear about that.

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

Get out your ring. Peter, that's not-- Come on! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of steam! Peter, we got these in a box of FrankenBerry. A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it!

Look, it says "New York." People will think I'm from there. (LAUGHING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Put your phone away, we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy.

It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I got to hear David Mamet curse in person.

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT)

Nominal. Fuel supply? Full. Air Supply? Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums, Look out testicles, here I come!

Oh, no. You see, if you're one of 10 million Americans like me... Like me. Like me. ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you. Ew!

Excuse me. I'm lookin' for a car that's been tricked out to look like an ice-cream truck. Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats. And it plays a tune that's fun for the young children.

But That's not why I'm pushing Olivia to do it. Is it suspicious that I that brought that up unprovoked? Well, I guess it might be okay. Sure, Lois, I mean, look at Elroy Jetson. He was a child actor and he turned out just fine. Do you know who I am? I'm Elroy Jetson! Yeah, yeah, Come back when you have some money. Take him home, bamm-Bamm.

Yeah, well, you know, take that. Which actually brings me to my next point: uh, Your wife's cheating on you. What? Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam!

Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me! Yeah, but I got you good, Lois. Admit it. Just say it, I got you. (LAUGHING) Oh, all right, you got me.

(SLURPING) (PLAYING SOOTHING TUNE)

I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of uS.

Hey, Meg, what's wrong? What's wrong is that Kent doesn't like me. He likes my brother, Chris. - Oh, my God. - No way! Well, I mean, you've done everything you can do. I guess you just have to move on. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of sweet guy-trim at this school. You don't understand. He's all I think about.

Dad! What? 8 is enough.

Nice hanging with you, Jeff.

All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Oh, Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty of me not to fulfill my obligation to Mother. You know how much the pageant means to her. Where do you think she is? Well, thank God years ago I planted a homing device in your mother's skull for just such an occasion. I forgot. I also put 'em in a bunch of squirrels. This isn't gonna do us any good.

My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that.

Is there something on my elbow or... First, me first, me first.

I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns. And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him. Ah, Mercy!

Would you like to hear it? No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar. Wait a minute! I love schnitzel! Come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen. I'll change in the car. If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive,

By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not gonna tell you where, but I'll give you a hint. It wasn't my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls. Well, regardless of what you think, this is going to change Mayor West's mind, and we are gonna have Jasper's wedding here. Fine. Then until this is all over, I'll stay somewhere else. Come on, Stewie, we're going to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Everyone, I got big news. We are going to be rich. Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic.

The infomercial said this tape will help us communicate better as a couple. Lois, When have we ever had trouble communicating? Oh, Peter. I love you. Yeah, about a quarter past 5:00.

That's an excellent idea. I like The Madness of King George. Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture. And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing. Hey, shut up!

Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll--

And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf. But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you?

I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch each and every day Chocolate cake a la Blake Hundred bucks, Blake is gay

Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone. Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway! Peter, You can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game. There's nothing these Kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.

A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass! Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns? Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation systeM. Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes? We don't need guns! We need food and water! I have a canker sore on my lip!

And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. aah!

Ah! Useless, every one of you! Fine. I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you! There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?

(SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance.

Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing.

This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School. Goat flu? You got to be kidding me. Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this.

Hello, Luke. Uh, Have we met? My name's Brian. I was born here. Sorry, son, lots of dogs have been born here. Refresh my memory. Which one were you again? I was the one who could talk. Brian! Come on in! Betty! Look who it is!

Well, maybe they'd never know it's gone. Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross!

My dad? My other mother?

Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud. Mahmoud, this is Brian, Quagmire and Joe. - Hello. - Hi, there. Hello. How are you? Have a seat. Any friend of Peter's is a friend of ours. Hey, Mahmoud, you know, I'm actually glad you're here. Settle an argument we were having earlier. Which Spanish chick has better jugs. Salma Hayek or the other one?

First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.

(YELLS) Kristallnacht!

(LAUGHING) Yes, Officer. - You are such a dirty cop. - Don't break those yolks, ma'am. Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you. I know. Now stick your finger in there and twist it. Hey, Lois. Can I talk to you for a second? I think we may have a problem with Meg.

(APPLAUDING) - Yeah! U.S.A.! I didn't even know there was a war. Okay, let's pick teams. I'll be a captain and Mayor West, you can be a captain. All right. I pick you. You can't pick me. I'm a captain. No one had ever stood up to me like that before.

Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ! Excellent, excellent!

Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

ew, How did you do that? Oh, wEll, uH, Let's just say, when I was younger,

so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it.

Lois, you ruined everything, you know that? Peter, I know it's a little extreme. But when it comes to our children, it's better to err on the safe side. Isn't that right? No. You know, Lois, if everybody was as closed-minded as you, the world wouldn't have some of its most inspired creations.

I don't know, man. We didn't get the shots we need. Man, what do you think, Mike? I mean, if you saw action going on in front of you, would you know instinctively to center it in front of you? I don't know. Could someone take my soda out of the icebox please, so it doesn't freeze? (ORCHESTRA PLAYING) (PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing. Phil, Phil, just open it... Unlock the doors. You don't have to put the key in the ignition. Well, open the driver's side first. Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, and there's nothing we can do about it. Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm. (SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay!

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat.

This is a weird episode.

Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime. Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes!

and it's clearly not you. Is this about me wetting the bed just now? Peter, don't you understand that I'm just looking out for this family? Besides, without my nagging, you'd probably get yourself killed. Or laid. Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it.

I want you and the kids back. I want our old life back! I don't believe it! Sweetheart, it's you! You're back! QUAGMIRE: (SCREAMS) Damn it! I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry.

And if you find yourself With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis So they sent this little warning They're prepared to do their worst

- Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then.

What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop!

Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Go away! You! I am taking your brain.

Here, play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours, and then we'll give it another try.

"I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh!

Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed!

Aw, Susie's so cute! I can't wait to have a baby someday. Oh, Meg, we've talked about this. In order to make a baby, a man has to be aroused enough to ejaculate.

and prove to me you truly are the sole king of Camelot... I will make love to you right here in the clearing. What ifl can just move it an inch, will you touch me? This is amazing. You've got the biggest hut in the village and all these servants... and you've only spent $1.50.

Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me! Good evening. Stevenson residence. Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin." Hi, Mom! Hi, Chris. Put your father on.

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend. Lois isn't even into women. She just had that one experience in college with that girl Naomi. Naomi's the one who's coming. (CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay!

No, don't get that. That's a bad cereal. Get some of the Boo Berry. Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery. Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. I'm sorry. I can't see what you're going for here. Let me look at....

Peter, Don't throw out Brian's things. It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. He just needs to find himself. He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times!

Wow! Look at that HD picture! Yeah. It's so clear you can even see Ellen DeGeneres' breath. Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood?

You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?"

What's wrong? You look awful. What happened? I read the play Stewie wrote. She writes plays now? Yes, and it was brilliant. Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life. It was insightful and fresh and intelligent. It's like his play is mocking me. He wrote it in a night. Ugh, that's how I feel whenever I see Brad Goreski on Bravo.

I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it!

Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet. Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but... (STAMMERING) It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I'm happy to help. What the hell is this? Peter, I've had it with all your shocking.

Listen, these new legs have given me my life back. I want to do all the things I could never do when I was handicapped. And you guys are my best friends. I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe. Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away. Whee! (LAUGHING)

And I know just the place for us to go and blow off all this steam. We went dancin' Across the USA On that crazy king's highway

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here. Absolutely. The children get to play our games. And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize.

Chris Griffin. Hmm.

Chris, go to your room!

How kind of you all to come. Oh! Magnificent! I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie?

He's got quite a grip. Hey, Bitch Stewie. Why are there no midget accountants? Because they always come up short. (LAUGHING) Another good one, Stewie. I don't know where you come up with them. Isn't he wonderful? And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste. Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)

From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises! You know what you are? You're a candy-ass maggot! You find something funny, maggot? Sir, no, sir! You love the Middle Ages, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir!

Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier. You were right to criticize Meg. She could not even handle this simple task. She's in there right now, taking a nap underwater. For God's sake, save her! My God, we better get her to a hospital. She doesn't look too good.

You look like a totally different person. Oh, This is crazy! You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your... Oh, my! I--I liked you the way you were. You're not even real anymore. You're-- Peter, Did you get a new buttocks? I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

and I haven't even got to drive it yet. Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS. All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls. Now give it a little gas.

I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically cleansing the "Small World" ride. Oh, Come on. You guys practically run this country. There's gotta be a ton of fun stuff we could do.

Dad called you fat. Wait. Stewie's really been acting out lately.

Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend. (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops! Hey, excuse me, fella? Yeah, what do you want, shrimp? Just a few moments of your time. Hang on. Let me just get this little guy assembled.

No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

You ever get freaky with that thing or what? STEWIE: Brian, could you come in here for one second? Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6."

Wow, You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you. I can't believe how terrific you look. Thanks. I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime. I'd love to. oh! The baby's kicking. Want to feel? Sure. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid! Peter!

Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil? Check! A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or zero? Check! Your mom's hairbrush? Check! You win! Oh, Boy! What's my prize? A pencil and a speed sign! I did it! I'll be right back.

Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do?

Uh, Hi, Peter. Listen, Joe, about this whole mess-- Hold it, Peter! That's the car-wash thief!

It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

(GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING) Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me. You know what, Brian?

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember.

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. (LOON CALLING) Listen to that. It's a loon. That's beautiful. You know, we ought to get a "fuck cabin" up here.

(BARKS FEEBLY) Jesse, what is it, boy? (GASPS) Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here.

The monkey goes, "Ma-cock." No, no, no, no, it does not. The elephant goes, "Fwaamp." Yeah, kind of. Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine?

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you...

I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry. Yeah, huh, any idea who it was, Peter? No, we didn't see his face. All we know is it's a skinny white guy with a tattoo on his left butt cheek. Well, I better tell Cleveland.

It's no reason to give up on your sex life. I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at...

That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole!

Wonder what the hell happened to them. BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help.

Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here.

I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.

How was your shower? I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. Really? You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughinG. There's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap. That was classic. Boy. I really let Lois down this time.

It's not like we're gonna have a gay sex orgy in the living room.

Never gonna give MAN: I didn't like any of that.

Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead!

Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Oh, That feels good. Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar? Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah! Gotcha!

Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? No, no, No. Go. Go. It'll be funny. Stewie needs to learn how to socialize with other children. Maybe we should put him in daycare.

It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE) - We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic. You know what the worst part is?

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian.

(IMITATES BEEPING) Oh, well, it's working. All right, joke time is over. Work time has begun. You get started with this drywall, and I'm gonna start pulling out those old floorboards in the kitchen. Hey, Brian. Knock, knock. Who's there? (WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together.

But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year. Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend. And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester. What the fuck?

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck?

Oh! Hey. Uh... Didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here. This... This is Stephanie. Hi, everybody! Oh, my gosh! I never thought I'd meet Glenn's friends! Yeah. I figured, why not?

Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you?

I kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of my own. Thanks to old Honest Abe we have our house back and I learned a valuable lesson. It doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you. That's right, because all that's important is that I love you. No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.

Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers. What? I just bought you new sneakers. I know, but I need cooler ones. Shut up and stop complaining. When I was your age, I didn't even have sneakers. We wore stale hamburger buns.

I hate Quagmire lately. Me, too. That cat has totally changed his personality. Yeah. Like, when I went over to his house the other day. QUAGMIRE: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who is it? It's me, Quagmire. I need to borrow your lawnmower. Quagmire's not here.

Free burgers? Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No.

- Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies. Peter! Peter! Just a minute. Listen to me, please!

Uh, Rob Lowe. Straight. - No! - Yes. - Come on. Stop! - Ho, hum. Pull over. Absolutely. - Really? - Yeah. He hides it well. He wishes. "Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end.

I understand. Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing.

I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him.

Brian? (BOTH GASP) Santa Claus! That's right. It's Santa Claus. And you've got to listen to me.

It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe.

I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it.

Said the same thing about that Bill Murray elephant movie, but they were just, like, "Oh, the audiences need you." You make me physically sick to my stomach, and I wish that you would get a heart attack. I totally feel you, man. Truth of the matter is, I don't like my movies either, but, man, they just keep offering me money, and I do it, and then I get to go around the world. I mean, did you see Sahara?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go... (EMITS FARTING SOUND) Lois, don't worry about it. I got a bunch of great new shows lined up. STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft? What are you talking about? I'm a woman. Sure you are. Now. Peter, I'm exhausted. I've been in and out of taxis all day. Stewie had a doctor's appointment. Then I had to pick Meg up after school. I had rehearsal for Death of a Salesman.

Lucky there 's a family guy

And, Meg, you got to clear away all that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be. Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out. Well, flip it over, you can use both sides. (FANFARE) Peter, there's a guy standing out in the yard. Oh, yeah, that's Larry.

Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos.

- There's something out there. - Where? Out there, in the cave! (LAUGHS) Crazy women, always hearing things. There's something out there. Let's go check it out. What's all this slime on the floor? Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Okay, but remember, kids, the people there have never seen people before. So when they walk up to you, quickly stuff a dollar bill in their mouth. Then you can pet them as much as you want. Is that true, Dad? No. Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place. I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples."

I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation. I was just trying to hurt you 'cause you hurt me. But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian. If I didn't have you, I'd be lost. You'd be okay. No, I wouldn't. I don't really care for anybody else. Just you. You're the only one I like.

but all I did was make people feel as bad as Randy made me feel. I'm just a big jackass. It's all right, Dad, I forgive you. As long as you promise never to bully anyone again. I promise, Chris. I mean, you know, unless I get really stinking drunk, in which case all you got to do is outrun your sister.

Oh, my God! Well, well, I think we've found our killer. Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge.

$2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time...

And do you know where you'll get it? Right here in the army! Boy, you know what? You're right. Everything I've ever done, I've crapped out on halfway through. Well, not this time. I am going to finish what I started. That's the spirit! You can do anything you put your mind to. MAN 1: You know, it's really hard to masturbate with you guys talking. MAN 2: Not for me!

No, but my margarita's bottomless. Mexico! Mexico! I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero all the time when I get back home. Me, too. Mexico! Mexico! That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God. I'm going to go take a dump now, so I don't have to later.

So do we have a deal? Let's shake on it.

(LAUGHING) That's not how you dry a baby. He has to do it 'cause his wife has the job. But motherhood's a job. Motherhood's a job too, though.

Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh!

yeah, Ok. Ok. All right. Hey, Hey, softball this afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake. Ok, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. 10 more reps. Ok, and one, and 2, and 3...

Genital warts. But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart

111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn!

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!

What the hell are you talking about? Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met. Oh, My God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars.

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

I was just leaving you a message. You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants?

Nice work, rookie. You're a credit to the force. Additional generic cop compliment, Brian.

Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?

Peter, we have a problem. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened?

I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl. Oh, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know?

Thanks. Now we want Justin's candy. What? You heard me. Take Justin's bag of candy and pour it into Stewie's. All of it. And if I think you're holding back on me, we're gonna have a serious problem. Well, all right. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, serious problem.

You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Oh, uh, Excuse me. I've got a package for you, too! All right! Nice try, but I've built up an immunity. Hey, what's wrong, kid? My dad doesn't care about me anymore.

All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint. Joe, shh! Peter's about to start. We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members, to talk about the greatest temptation the devil ever created. Alcohol! (ALL HARMONIZING) Mr. Booze ALL: Mr. Booze

But one man got her. A man she trusted to keep her safe and beautiful forever. That man was Glenn Quagmire. And two short months later, this is what happened to Joan Van Ark. (GASPS) Oh! Oh, my God! I don't want this to happen to you, Meg. I don't want you to turn into a hilarious photograph. Dad, I know what you're trying to do,

Hey, buddy, I need to borrow this.

Stupid guy with boobs. Acting like he doesn't want us to look. He wants us to look. - CHRIS: Stop making fun of me! - (BOTH GASP) I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know.

Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right! Oh! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now!

Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail? No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass! Yeah? Well, That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseaseS!

Didn't we have an electrician in there today? He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck?

All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you?

That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest. It can't be done. Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ. It also means that this family is gonna start going to church again on Sundays.

All right, see you later, gang. Chris, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at camp. What am I paying for? I could have gone pro if it wasn't for my bum knee. (SNORING) (SIGHS)

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion,

Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay,

Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything.

That's right, Diane. As if the world weren't already scary enough, it seems you can't even get on a plane safely these days. Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology,

I'm trying, I... Try harder! Peter, if you just stop for one second... Lois, that hurts. Quit it. (BOTH MOANING) Peter, are we having sex? Let's check. Just lift up that fold right there. Uh, yup.

And I won't forget the men who died who gave that right to me

All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one!

We did it, BRIAN. Congratulations, Lois. For what? Winning a trophy at the expense of my husband's health?

God, Am I the only one Who's outraged here? I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner. How come you're still setting a place for Brian? Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts. I know you're thinking about him, too, Peter. Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me.

Oh, my God, it's Jodie Sweetin. Quick, everyone lie on the floor. JODIE: Peter, come on! I've got Maureen McCormick with me. She'll let you finish anywhere. Okay, everyone hide upstairs. Daddy's gonna take care of this.

He purified you Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again. I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time.

What are they doing? I'm not sure. They seem to think I'm some sort of god. And they seem to think I'm Sum 41. All the small things... That's Blink-182.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking.

I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey I just want some colored Easter eggs

- What in the world was that for? - Oh, it's a guy. That's for ruining our son. He used to be a sweet boy until he heard your music. (LAUGHING) This old story. If I had a nickel. All right. Where's your son? I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet.

Oh, he's coming! Oh, it hurts so bad! God, I hate working on Christmas. Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle!

Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag. I can't say no to you, honey. What are they, like, $10? More like $1,100. You wish I loved you that much! We're never gonna get this float done in time for the parade.

It's like Prague sans the whimsy. Will you be ok by yourself? Oh, I think I'll manage. All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. And, uh, neither will that guy.

Griffin, I need you to run these shipping reports upstairs to the CEO. There's nothing fun or entertaining about that. Maybe if I walk down the hall with a wisecracking rabbi.

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up.

so, Peter, Where shall we go for your week off? Well, I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year. This isn't bad. It's not that good. But it's not that bad. It's so-so. Uh, More or less.

Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try. Lois, I've got a surprise for you.

Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian.

The midway and the fun

Hey, Brian. What's up? Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter. Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short.

No. You can't promise something like that.

Stewie, what have you done?

You can't stop us, Mayor West! PETER: We are all-powerful! Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. Silence! We demand obedience! Or else!

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris.

Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.

Hey, I just wanted to let you... (SNIFFING) Oh, boy. What's that? I was just ironing my robe, taking a look around. What's up? Well I just wanted to let you know there's a rebel fleet massing at Sullust, and I think they're going to invade or something. You made sure there wasn't a hole in the Death Star this time? Yeah, like I'm gonna do that twice! (STAMMERING) You... Shut up, mister! Gosh almighty!

HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP! Ow! Ow! Ow! Brian! 5.3 seconds. I could have been dead by now! what, you mean--You mean, you're not really-- I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents! Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup! That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable,

Say we were both drunk, and--and we knew we wouldn't remember? I'd have to be really, really-- No!

Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do?

Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers?

Ah! What happened to your eye? Don't worry about it! Just put the lens in! But where do I put it? The pupil's gone.

You enjoy the movie, baby?

No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent!

What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see. And in case you're wondering why I don't have business charts, yes, I do. All right, I got to say goodbye to the kids. Hey, champ. I want you to have this pocket watch.

Ho! Ho! Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one. Yeah, Next one's coming for your head! Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent!

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781.

I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't. Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings... - Manet, honey. - What? It was actually the Manet exhibit. Not Monet.

You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce.

Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean. Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast. You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here.

Let's blow this sausage-fest and hit the International House of Tail. No. He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man. That's what this march is all about. Respect for your fellow man. I can't respect men. Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violencE.

Keep your distance, though, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance. How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, fly casual! (WHISTLING)

Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet, but that's never stopped us before, right? (LAUGHING) Oh, there's no other cops here. But we do know one thing, this kid was murdered. - (ALL GASP) - Murdered?

She does not follow the one true path. You are not to see this girl again. Do you understand? I forbid it. (SIGHS) Yes, sir. Now come home at once. And, as for you, I suggest you stay away from my son, you harlot.

Can you believe it? We're eating with two of the three Ghostbusters. Actually, I wasn't in that.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

You know, Lois, if I'm your boss, I got to look like a boss. Finally, I have a reason to wear this big bow tie and cigar I bought at the Dress For Success store. - Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off?

All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot?

It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power!

Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all.... What?

That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did, till I pooped on the "S." Oh, well. Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway. What the... Derek and Jillian? Wow! Hi, Brian!

I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it?

Oh, hardy har har.

you take so long to line up your shots I just want to crack you with a cue stick. But I don't because that would be a hate crime and I love ya. And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none were half the man you are. And Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure. Peter's right. If we work together,

Because Christmastime is killing us Killing us! Christmastime is killing us! (COUGHING)

A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter "with the Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?" No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering. You know, this cost me $437,000. Don't ask me how I got it. I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met.

- Peter! - Oh, Sorry. Hey, Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel. Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling. Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!

Wow, this place is full of dead pigeons. I'm gonna go grab some ozone. Hey! Peter! There's a king in the cards! They saw my blueprints! What a grievous breach of security! Damn! What do to? Wait For it... Wait for it...

(SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed.

Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Plus old Brian over there. Right, buddy? I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a Band-Aid.

"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. oh, And, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny.

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it.

but I mean, that's what Bradley does. I don't know, we really need somebody, who has not been the best thing in anything he's ever been in, ever. I mean the kind of guy who can get overshadowed by Zach Galifianakis or Ed Helms. Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley, but I really think he'd want to be considered for this. Yeah, the thing is, for this roll, we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome,

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here.

You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankinD. What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

Nothing bad happened! Uh, is--Is that a beer hall? Oh, yes. Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls. Why is everybody glaring at us? Why, Lois? I'll tell you why.

And in here, we're test-marketing a new mascot, Meaty, the Quick to Anger Clown. Hey, kids! Who likes McBurgertown burgers? I do! There was more to my question!

Uh, I'm so bored. Without Stewie around, I have nothin' to do. Well, we could get hammered. Oh, It's too early for me, but you go ahead. What happened to me? You know, before I was married, I led a very exciting life.

You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends.

But you have to come down and give yourself up. If you drag this out any longer, you're only hurting your own cause. (SIGHS) She's right. I'm sorry, Mayor West. Well, you were only doing what you thought was right, Brian. And, hey, you've distracted everyone from the Dig 'Em statue,

I will, Dad. (FARTS)

Yay, I helped. - Cheryl, wait. - Jillian. I'm sorry. I'll do anything, please! Meg? Yeah, this still happens sometimes.

But myself I can't deceive I know it's only make-believe

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Right on! Woo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.

What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved. No. That's just our women.

Come on, darling. Stiff upper lip. I'm writing that one down.

Did someone say Tex-Mex?

I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst.

Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving?

Patrick? Patrick! Oh, crap! Guess we lost him. Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING)

but I don't know what to do. I'm just hooked on the rush of shoplifting. I haven't felt a thrill like this in a long time. Well, I think you've had enough thrills. Why don't you just put everything back, huh? Uh, Ok, Brian. You know, you really are a good friend. Let me rub your belly.

Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home. HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter. HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen. Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to.

I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor.

Jeez, every cop in town is here. I know. Who do you think is taking care of the city? No. No. No. No. MAN: What the hell? Come on! No drive. Is wet.

I don't feel obligated. I want to. You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

because that's all we talk about. Well, I'm also into football. Don't care. No time for F.B. All about S.O. Make no mistake, Florida is the South's trash can. Boy, these eggs are delicious. Good job, Lois. Good job, local hen.

Peter, I have a bad feeling about this man. He's not the kind of person I want hanging around our family. Honey, you're overreacting. Will you please just listen to me for once? That man is bad news! I want him out of our house and out of our lives! All right. Look, I'll just give you A little something to help you relax. Now! Ok. Uh, Big Fat Paulie,

That's a good sign, right? Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt with you. Yeah? We love this pilot!

The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

Good-bye, Abraham Lincoln people.

You know how much time I've spent on the ocean. Wilson! What are we gonna do now?

(RINGING) - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? Hello? BOTH: Well, what do you know about that?

Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate. Hey, can you help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat. What's moose stuff? Whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake. And everything in between.

Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!

Hey, buck up there, sport. At least you gave it your all. I guess you're right. I still feel like crap, though. Well, look at it this way. You may have lost Jillian, but you can at least be happy that she's happy. Plus, you can always call Lauren. - No. I can't. - Why not? She's never gonna speak to me again. I gave her worms.

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man?

Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest.

I feel like Natalie Portman thinks she's so much better than everybody. She's nothing, and her husband's a nobody. Why does Laura Linney always look like she's just finished skiing? I don't know who that is. Really? The Big C? Love Actually? No, never heard of her. Would you know who she was if I said Tyler Perry's Laura Linney? Ooh, I love her.

- Seal? - Phoque.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

Hey, watch this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Yeah? Watch this.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Ah, Very good, sir. You don't have a Swiss bank account!

That one wasn't very good. Peter, They were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself, not because they liked your jokes. Well, Maybe that was part of my act. Urine happens to be very edgy. But I guess an unfunny person like you wouldn't understand that. Ok, ok. I've got it. I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer,

Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Wow! I feel so socially accepted. Hey, do you have any other friends you want to invite to your party? No. Most of my friends are out of town. Oh, this is gonna be great! We'll stay up late, trade stories. Let's watch the video of my ballet recital.

Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not. So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy?

It's quite simple, actually. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons, and the clown face is just a clown face. Enjoy it. Now, battle stations, everyone! At my signal, unleash hell!

Professor Klutz, the doctor is in!

When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so. Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up, and eventually it all works out. Meg, this is a list of hats. I need these by 4:00. Good idea. One of those hats would have helped him at the park today. Chris, did you put a coonskin cap on Stewie? No, why?

I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab. Okay, Doc, we got to have a talk at some point, but Brian, are... Are you... Are you sure about this? Well, there's no harm in seeing if I'm compatible.

Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile.

Where's your father? He's still down in the basement. Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits. Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event,

(YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)

What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah. You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works? I don't know. Yeah. You want to maybe just go? Quagmire, come on! I'm really trying hard here. Who asked you to try hard? Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me.

I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails are the same color as my school bus. You really think that splashing magic water on Stewie will keep him out of hell? Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. Oh, that's very Christian. - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you." - Now you're getting it.

Oh. I don't think I like feet as much as you do. Hey, everybody likes feet! Come on. The party's just starting. I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach! Hic-a-doo-la! We're gonna all hang 10 and maybe then Hic-a-doo-la!

All gone. What time do you suppose it is, Brian? I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you, sir. Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh.

I think I know what that major trauma was. (GASPS) My birth. Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby.

Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now If you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings. Come on. Give him a little more time. All right! All right! You've got 3 days to earn a badge!

But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot!

Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin. Thanks, Jim.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself?

Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year. You know what? No. That's it.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight,

Well, I suppose I could pull some strings, if that's really what you want, Chris. It is. All right, consider it done. Thanks, Grandpa. - Sorry, Master Herbert. - Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt. Yes, sir.

Lois. I just had the weirdest dream that Lewis Black told jokes that were so funny, he had to shout them so everyone could hear. Peter, you got to stay awake. The spelling bee's tomorrow! But, Lois, I'm scared. There's no way I can compete against those other kids. It's like trying to beat schpupel champion Fjurg Van Der Ploeg at a game of schpupel.

Hey, do you think maybe you'd want to hang out sometime? What, you mean like a movie or something? Yeah, or maybe lunch? I had a bad experience last time I went to the movies. We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis. No! No! I reject the premise of this!

(DOORBELL RINGING) Package for Dr. Hartman. All right, where's the package? Here it is. So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something. Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package.

Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you--

I forgot my purse. All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet.

Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under till the bubbles stopped! Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"?

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human.

For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

Then have them take it back.

So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't. - Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo?

Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR.

I've got a bad feeling, Brian. I've got a good feeling, Brian. I'm gonna get me that honey.

I'm in. Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary. Aw, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote. All right, hit me with this. Didn't work.

So I turned it down. And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town. That should be me everyone's talking about! Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha!

I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress?

Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh?

I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years. It's choppier, it's more texturized. Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name? Well, now that you know how it feels, maybe you want to give him an apology. You went to Taki, didn't you? Look, Peter, I'm sorry for the way I treated you,

Ahh! Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. ahh! Ahh! Ahh! How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal!

Oh, What brilliant parenting, Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I might asphyxiate myself, just to teach you a lesson. Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I am going to do it. I am going to do it.

Well, here we go.

Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!

JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this.

Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you. Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again. Who ate all the pecan sandies?

(BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here. (SCREAMING) Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation. If you freeze up his money, he's not gonna have anything to live on. Now, you are gonna make amends with Daddy and that's final. All right, Lois, if that's what you want.

B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on! Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it. Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kidS!

Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, the President has been shot. Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot. What's the President doing in this casket? We'll tell you right after this.

Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive? Boy, I sure am happy to be back. Yeah, Peter, we thought we'd lost you for good.

That's not a car. What is that? (ALL SCREAMING)

It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for the both of us. What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!

He's a family guy Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish?

Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia! Here are the American spies we captured, Mr. Prime Minister.

I've put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times.

Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening.

you'll always be garbage. Oh, my God! I didn't know Lois had that in her. Hey, is that your wife? You bet that's my wife. Well, I got to say, she's a natural. You know, she could make some serious money as a professional. Wow, you really think so?

I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago,

"They marked it down from $12 to three..." Whatever. I don't know how much rice is, but you know what I'm saying.

How cute. It's a time machine! No! It's a... Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant! A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing!

No, Peter. Don't you see? He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie.

Like the kids say, up your nose with a rubber hose!

Come on. Come on. Go away!

All right. There he goes. Let's move. I say, what are we looking for? I don't know, some proof of Mayor West's corruption. Whoa, whoa, what--what the hell are you guys doing here? I'm sorry. We happen to be here to solve a case. Uh, we were here first. Well, you know, this is a free country, dude, and we are here to go to work.

Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. I hurt myself changing this tire!

You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin. But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for... Leave this house of God! (ALL AGREEING) But... But I love the church. It's an important part of my life. Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn.

I thought I could deal with being blind at first. But I don't know. I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman. We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But....

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here!

Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years!

I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot! (ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us? Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning? You want to play with one of Daddy's socks? What... Do I want to... No! What an odd request. The first one's always hard.

even though my heart still belonged to Carter. I believe Rodginald knew this, and he even tried to strike me in the manner to which I had become accustomed. But it wasn't the same. And then a miracle happened.

(WIND HOWLING) Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell.

- Hello? - Hey, Brady! What kind of suit do you want to be buried in?

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

There's no sign of them anywhere. Meg? Chris? Brian? They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want!

Absolutely, O.J. This party will give you a chance to get know everybody and give them a chance to get to know the real O.J. Simpson. Peter, do you really expect anyone to show up? Sure I do. Look, here comes a bunch of people. (PEOPLE SHOUTING) Wow, what a turnout.

The grease burns so bad! I can't hear!

MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base. MAN 1: The crowd's enjoying it, and it looks like the umpire's gonna let them finish. CLEVELAND: (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite. MAN 2: There it is! MAN 1: I'll tell you what. This would be painful to watch if you loved that girl.

And with a voice that sounded older He said "Mom, I got something on my mind" PILOT: Imperial shuttle requesting permission to land like a dainty butterfly.

Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties.

Uh-oh. Hey, You're that black guy I saw on the news conference, ain't you? uh, Yeah, that's me. This is Car 15. I'm gonna need backup. I got a stolen vehicle here. But this is my car. Suspect's getting belligerent. - What? - Officer down.

I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together. Please, just let me try. Carter, you had sex with that woman. So, no, I can't trust you. But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either.

Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend.

As are mine! (BOTH GRUNTING) (PANTING) Oh, my God! Thank you, Jerome. You saved my life! Um, "I'll have what she's having," says the funniest person in the room.

I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance?

Oh, Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's arounD. What the hell was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks. Are you kidding? I learned from the bEst. Come on, buddy. We're dropping anchor in Jamaica! Oh, Great! We're getting closer to Rhode Island.

My dad got a job at the brewery and he gets lots of free beer. Actually, he's kind of been going overboard lately. - Oh, my God! - Hey, Meg, you seen my pants? Lois, by the way, we're out of toilet paper.

(GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that? What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.

you remember where the stool was. Oh, Mary, Mary, you're in the kitchen, sweetheart, you're all disoriented. Let me help you. the ladder's right here. Thanks, Pa.

Sweetie, you're not serious? I sure am. The best thing I've ever done with my life is being a dad.

I love you. What? What did you say? Olive juice. Olive juice?

The bitter snows

And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.

Daddy, now that I've finally passed my driver's test can I still get a convertible? No. But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart. And I'm proud of you, Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson. It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life,

And date. Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth. Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow How was that, Dr. Ditty?

Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!

Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again? I'm busy. I set up a video camera last night, so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real.

Yeah, sure. That'd be fine. Thank you. So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo.

Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been, and I might answer most of your questions with a story, but mostly, my mustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open, and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones.

hang On, Hang on, hang on! You overextended the plie! You screwed it all up. Let me show you again. Ok, boys! Let's do it! And one, 2, 3. And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, 2, 3. Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole.

you're not Peter Griffin, you're James Woods. I should've warned you, she can be a real bitch in the morning. Mom, this is really weird. I want Dad back. I don't. Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill. Not like the fake thrill of running into your ex-girlfriend on the street. Rob? Hey! Hey! How are you?

My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe. Hi. Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine.

Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident,

And then the symbol that means "wink." Really? I mean, like, why the wink? I mean, is there something that we're supposed to be in on? Is he not going there? Is he not amped? And who cares if he is, you know? Dick. Coming up, our horribly outdated scams reporter, Ken Redowski, gets angry about a product you don't care about.

Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party!

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21

The wall is covered with something that resembles egg crates, except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie.

you know Brian, if I choose to make stool in my pants right now you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that? Mmm-hmm?

What I'm hearing is a lot of yesterday talk. This isn't the way we're gonna do things under my leadership. We are gonna turn this company around. But, sir, the company's doing fine. Better than ever, in fact. Mr. Pewterschmidt would... I don't care what Mr. Pewterschmidt would have done. We need to take risks. We need a complete overhaul. Gentlemen, you're all fired. (ALL GASPING) What?

Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats. Hey--Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather,

Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.

Unless you're there All the time All the way BRIAN: I'm not following the story arc here. STEWIE: Shut up! (MUSIC CONTINUES)

All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by.

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1.

(EXPLODING) (SIGHING) Oh, Rupert! Thank God you're alive! I'm ready now. I'm ready to get off the pill. I think we should start trying.

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week.

Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.

Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.

So, did you let him have it? No. He let himself have it. This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid?

Here in status-symbol land Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas? What the hell's your problem?

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes.

All right, all right. Listen, I got another idea. What ifl sold you my daughter? You drop the tab, and your son can have Meg. MEG: What?

And K.I.S.S. is coming to the Northeast. That--That means... Um, That means-- No, no, Lois! Don't help me! It means we can do something. Come on, Peter. You're almost there. We can go to K.I.S.S.-Stock!

O.J., this is my family. Family, O.J. It's nice to meet you all. Hey, Peter, you mind if I use your restroom? No. It's upstairs and to the left. Peter, are you out of your mind? Bringing O.J. Simpson into our home?

Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation. (ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me.

I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you! Oh, Keep playing. I think this is as good as it's gonna get. Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either. Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell. Peter, The good Lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about liking him.

Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that.

We both valued our privacy, however, so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media.

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick. Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh.

God, I don't ask you for much. But let my boy win this race. Do not go until I wave my flag. I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED!

Hey, Brian, thanks for helping get rid of Miss Emily. Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing. Peter, you did a really nice thing helping Billy get back together with his wife.

Well, why don't we make our own excitement? What do you mean? I don't know, like, maybe the four of us should do something to reclaim our freedom. Like go on a road trip, find some adventure. Quagmire, that's a great idea! Let's do a road trip! Who's in? PETER: No. No, no. No, not you, Seamus. SEAMUS: Ah, poo.

clear the gutters, and wash the siding. To most folks, that's 3 chores. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one. Hmm, You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart. Hey, Chris, give me the juice!

When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that. Oh, my God! (BOTH GASP) Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ew! No, no, this is my sister. Ew! No, no, no, I'm impotent. Ew! I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself. Ew! I mean, she's a man. Ew!

HERBERT: Use the Force, Luke.

Well, all right. Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg. (LAUGHING) You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team.

(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) What the hell was that? My catchphrase. You don't have a catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Why you gotta say like that? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me. Would anyone like to play Stratego? I have Stratego.

Excuse me. Now that your family is gone, would you mind if we turn on the TV? Oh, hey. I didn't know anyone was here. I, uh, was just kidding when I told my family I loved 'em. - I am Mahmoud. - I'm Peter. You know, I never seen a hat like that before, so I'm very scared of it. No, this is just a taqiyah. It's a traditional Muslim prayer cap.

Money, money, money

Doesn't that sound wonderful, Brian? Are you ready to go to the nice farm? No! No! You'll never take me alive! Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card?

Lois, I'm at the gym. I hate it here. I want to come home.

(MUFFLED SINGING) Come on, Anne, sing along. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch. The one I love forever is untrue And if I could you know that I would fly away with you

I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING) Here's 50 bucks. I'm taking this album. Oh, wow! Check it out, Chris! We got our entry fee for the eating contest! Now for the next five days, we're gonna focus on nothing but training. We'll even get up at the crack of dawn. (CRICKETS CHIRPING)

There. Your turn. You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this.

Is there a problem, Officer? Can I see your license, boy? "Boy"? Oh, God. Uh...

(SIREN BLARING) No, but I mean after soccer practice. You got anything planned for then? I mean, nothing, nothing. Keep walking. You don't know me.

I shall present to you my fanny. Sir Chadwell Heath. (LAUGHING) Oh, darn it.

All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you?

Uh, Mind if I watch?

TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next, To Catch a Predator Who's Proud of Being a Predator. Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline. Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old? No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old.

Sighing softly to the river Comes the loving breeze Setting nature all aquiver Bustling through the trees Through the trees!

You might need a hose, eh? Jose, Roberto, whatever. If you've got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great. No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh? Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate, but let's deal with first things first. Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh? You have cash, eh? I don't know, my name carries a little weight, but I don't see how that matters here. Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car,

Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

Peter, you got to stay awake. The spelling bee's tomorrow!

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?

Oh, you are living la Vida loca.

You talk to Matt Lauer lately? Mm-hmm. Played 18 holes with him on Saturday. Told him he was soft in the Arafat interview.

(IMITATING LOIS) "Oh, Peter, you should have been there. "Uncle Ben's converted brown rice was on sale. "They marked it down from $12 to three..." Whatever. I don't know how much rice is, but you know what I'm saying.

Oh, my God. Peter, do you think Chris might have done this? Come on, Lois, he doesn't have the wild streak you had when you were younger. For God's sake, you used to make Plasto molds of celebrity body parts. Okay, Daryl, it's almost dry. Very nice, by the way. This one's going on the shelf right next to Dan Fogelberg.

I never would've got that job as a seat filler for fetuses. Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we? Hi. He'll be right back. He's in the bathroom.

Hmm. I've never executed a diaper change before. Of course, how hard can it be? You just unfasten these things, then lay back with your legs in the air, and let nature do the rest. It's still there. Usually, the doody's disappeared by now, but it hasn't.

Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge. Now If you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings.

and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination.

Well, I don't know what that is,

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck!

Peter, I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings. That's almost everything we have. What the hell was it for? I bought some local TV airtime, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance.

I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball! Oh, no. I'll wait. Oh, You finished? I'm sorry. you know, It's my fault, really. I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up. Ask me what I want to be when I grow up.

(MOOING) (PANTING) BOY: Hey, get up, you faker. It's just a spitball.

That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Peter! Yeah, she flosses in bed, she snores like a wildebeesT-- Thank you, Mr. Griffin. We now move on-- W-w-Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet. She freed Willie Horton, she nailed Donna Rice-- - Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies. Peter! Peter!

Huh? Nothing. Nothing. See you next week. Mom, how come all your students suck? I don't know, honey. All I want is one pupil who's good enough to win the piano competition. I'm sick of coming in 2nd to that awful Alexis Radcliffe. Every year she wins and rubs it in my face.

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest.

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.

Stewie, uh, any parting words? Um, you know, i--I got beat, pure and simple. You, You are a very funny man! "Men be acting all like zombies at the mall." God, ain't that the truth?

(SOBBING) Stewie, are we gonna die? Hey, hey. Probably. I don't want to die! There's so much I have left to do. Yeah. You and me both, man. You know, Chris, if by some miracle, we do manage to get out of here alive,

- Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her. That's all. It's... I mean, it's not cool. I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want. I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her...

Lois, our problems are ovER!

Yeah. And If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot. And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar! I can finally get a drink! I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!

Good-bye the sun has gone to bed and so must I

Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.

So good to see you, Barrington. Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald? Huh? Huh? Where we going today? You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald? Pewterschmidt, settle down! I was having a nice conversation with Peter. Peter, why don't you tell me more about your job? You said you like to drink at work? I do. Oh, me, too! Me, too. I'll drink anything. Even that hollandaise sauce. Give me that.

Oh, crap! This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am! Hiya!

Wait, what did Dad just say?

(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING)

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47-year-old fish dog. Andy, I think you know why I've called you in here today. A prison is an environment which requires the highest level of discipline.

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society?

(BEEPING) (RINGING) Hello? Hey, Dad, it's me. Listen, things here aren't working out anymore. And I was just... I was wondering, can I come live with you and Janet for a while? Oh, wow, kiddo. You know, I'd love that, but I don't know if now is the best time. Maybe next year, okay? I'll see you Friday night.

I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I gotta face the fact that I'm just getting old. CLINTON: Knock, knock. Mr. President, what are you doing here? Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car, I wanted to stop by and extend my good wishes. Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?

Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs.

Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too.

Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter!

Oh, Lois! I'm so glad you made it. He's been like this for days. (GASPS) Oh, my God!

But you just got it last week, and there's a giant Oprah sticker on the front. Oh, oh, is that what that is? Let me just peel that right off. So, uh, what are you gonna read after that one? Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn!

All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner. Oh, no, you're not, Joe. We have a new policy. Can't you read the sign? Peter, what the hell is that all about?

I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat. Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat! Aw, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat.

But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here. You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military.

Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto. H-heh, Lois!

here with School Board President Peter Griffin. Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks. Thanks, Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamping our schools. For starters, we're making sex education more fun.

Come on, boy, get the scent.

What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.

Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside. Look, Dad! I found this book on our genealogy! Hey, Way to go, son! Hey, Look. Here's a picture of your great great-granddad, Osias Griffin. He owned one of the first dozen telephones.

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep.

Run for your life! What? Run!

Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob.

If you want to leave with your pal in one piece, I suggest you throw down your weapons! Ah! Go ahead and kill him, Griffin! You kill him and I'll kill her! Go ahead! You kill her, I'll kill him! Go ahead. You kill him, I'll kill her! Knock yourself out. You kill her, I'll kill him.

My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING) RED: Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved,

He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know?

Take this, for protection. What the hell's this for? When the time comes,

(HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE)

What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't. - Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus.

You taped over our wedding video? Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff. The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to each other. Peter, I--

MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

(SIGHS) I wonder how long it's gonna take. I don't know. Hey, hey, you know what we should do? We should put on some '80s music, and then, like, every few minutes, have him come out of there as a different sex, and we'll go... And then, like, the fifth or sixth sex, we'll go like this... This is not a joke, Peter, okay?

I just farted. Oh. Well, I just have a few questions about your return. Did you incur any medical expenses this year?

Sure, Brian the dog. Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING) I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Hey, I thought maybe we can go get some coffee later. I don't think so. Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? - Who's a good boy? - Me. Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy. But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later.

Excuse me, Lois, I have to go make a phone call. (DIALING) Hey, wheely stupid head, I heard you think Meg likes you. JOE: Who is this? How are you getting this information?

Is Mort still in the bathroom? I'll go see if he's all right. Mort? Hello? Mort? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking-on-the-street paws. I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down. Uh-oh. What?

(STAMMERING) Is now legal. Legal in Quahog. And it's made everything just so great. Okay, you... You can read the next one. (LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you.

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!

53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch.

(GROANS) What the hell are you... I'm cauterizing your tail. Trust me, I'm a nurse. (WHIMPERING) Brian? What's going on over there? (SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie. Here's a little morphine. What the hell? You're not gonna stick me with that thing. MAN: I don't think that's a real nurse.

Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad.

Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellows? Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things.

Put us on backwards a little bit, then put us on the right way.

Dad, please don't do this! You can't make him marry me! I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser!

Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots.

Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) We're no strangers to love

Hey, everyone. You'll never guess who I ran into at the market just now. Your hairdresser who's almost dead from cancer? Ross Fishman.

I used to pass lots of gas Lois ran away Now we've got 30 rooms

Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the housE! There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator!

Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.

Well, It does keep the Black Knight at bay. Well, Congratulations on all your success.

Tea, sir? Oh, thank you, Crone. You're so pleasant. - Would you like to check on the race, sir? - Yes, why not? (SCREAMING)

What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

Or kill us. I'm not sure which. Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they? Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog.

You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

"Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner?

Like the Secret Service did on November 23, 1963. All right, guys, I know that yesterday was a rough one for us. But it's with great pride that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one.

Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter! Dad, you're pretty, like a girl. You look like a totally different person. Oh, This is crazy! You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your... Oh, my! I--I liked you the way you were. You're not even real anymore. You're--

My God! I thought I needed to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life, but the only thing I'm missing is my family. How could I ever become involved in this filthy, degrading business? And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo!

Queen! Queen! Give me some of your hair! Come on, Queen! Don't be a bitch! Get us away from that lunatic!

O.J. Simpson on Spooner Street. Now that's a story I can sink my teeth into. Stick around.

Hold it. Hold it. ahh! Ahh! Ahh! How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal! Aw, jeez, This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois!

Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws.

Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story, Meg. It's not a sob story! It's true! Oh, come on! You think I was born yesterday? I've dated convicts. I know how they talk. One day they're promising you the world, the next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during conjugal visits. Luke doesn't do drugs!

Oh, I love this time of yeaR. Me, too. The summer tourists are gone. And We finally have the town to ourselves, before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole plaCe. Leafers!

Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face, which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win! Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face!

Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it. Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die. Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?

Oh, my God, you did a porno? (SHUSHING) Please, please, please do not say a word to anybody. I have never told anyone that, not even my husband. I promise, I'll take it to the grave. But, oh, my God, Lois, that's hilarious! Do you have a copy? Oh, no, that movie's long gone. Like the original ending to Grease. (WE GO TOGETHER PLAYING)

PETER: No. No, no. No, not you, Seamus. SEAMUS: Ah, poo. All right, listen up, ladies.

I had almost gathered enough evidence to put Briggs away for good, but I knew a taped confession would make the case a slam dunk. This is gonna take us to the next level. We're gonna be banging so many hot chicks with jeans up to their navels.

Well, if Kent hooks up with your brother, you could just have Chris describe every last detail to you. Oh, my God, that's it. What do you mean? I mean, if I can't have Kent, then that's the next best thing. I've just got to get Chris to sleep with him.

You got it, Dad. You can count on me...

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois. Chris, you check the basement with Herbert. Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.

Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down. Merry Christmas, buddy. Ha! Wonder what this could be? Oh.

Hold it right there! You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)

What'd I miss? Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch. PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three. Okay! Easy, easy, easy... Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait... Stop! Stop, stop... What? What, what? - No, no, no. Twist it. - I am. No, no, no. The other way. Which way? You're twisting the wrong way.

I've never been happy. Oh, Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone? We now return to Girlfriends on Lifetime. Barry was over last night, and he-- Don't tell me.

I really enjoyed sitting next to you on the plane, Chris. Me, too. I'm sorry I screamed when that guy from India got up to stretch. Look, I'm having brunch tomorrow with my grandparents at the Barrington Country Club. Maybe your family could join us. Okay, that sounds like fun.

I love you. Fuck off.

Did Peter leave? Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this. I know. I'm so worried about him. I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him. - Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just.... You know, since Peter went blind... it's actually been kind of nice not to have to worry about my appearance.

Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think.

You don't know my name, do you? You never bothered to learn it. What are you talking about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you, slugger.

That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

just because it was with a man. Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS?

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Hey, Griffin, down here. Yeah, it's a secret tunnel like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Look, here's your first week's pay. All right, CHRIS! Dad! Dad, look! T-That's great, Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here. I'm real proud of you, champ. Let's go get a milkshake. You got it, Mr. Drummond.

Oh, forget it, Quagmire. It's the least we could do after what happened. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Oh, you must have the wrong number.

I finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine.

Okay, Lois, bye! Bye, church! Bye, church guy! Bye, unending conversation! Bye, terrible church people! Bye!

Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY PLAYING)

What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war?

Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING)

All right, Meg, enjoy your bachelorette party. I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see what you crazy girls are gonna do while I'm gone, but just remember this is a residence and should be treated as such. And if you girls drink anything, there's recycling under the sink in the kitchen. Okay, have fun.

Hey, you want to see what I can do? All right, ready? Check it out. Beer, glass. All right, now watch this. Oh, hey. Guess I'll go over here for a minute. Oh, holy crap! That's still pouring itself. Oh, wow. That's amazing. I've never seen anyone do that. You want to go out later? I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle. Okay, everybody ready? Hey, where's Quagmire?

You know, Brian, sometimes

Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.

Hey, where's the clown? We've got to do something about this. Pack your bag, Peter. We're going to Washington. Oh, there he is.

What's wrong? Why are we still here? I don't know. Stewie, it's not working. Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting.

Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea? Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.

It's ok. Meg, hand me my sweater.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo? (ARTILLERY FIRING)

Now come home at once. And, as for you, I suggest you stay away from my son, you harlot. (SOBBING) Hey, there, young one, why so sad?

Yes, it's a star! It's got flashing red lights! Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal. I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake."

Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand. Doug and I are abstinent. But if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count. We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord.

Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris" They shine like sunny weather

But some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) No one should have to suffer the way I suffered!

Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. (Man) And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals.

So that's pretty much it, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Joe's getting desperate, and we haven't raised nearly enough. Is there any way you could help us out? Of course, I could. But it's funnier to me if I don't.

Cleveland, close the window! You're letting the stank out!

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God! This is the best day of my life! You know what? You're just jealous 'cause I found a real woman. (ROARING WITH LAUGHTER)

Ugh! What do you want? Financial advice. Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello! Max Weinstein? Look, I'll do what I can, but I don't know why you think I can get your money back. M-m-max, Max, Max, let's not deny our heritages.

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois.

"tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP. HEy, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake? I--I can't. Group therapy, 2:00. Oh, Man, I peeked in on one of those.

Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl. That still sounds like a sex question. It is not. Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it? What's the guy from Earl's credit rating? Six fifty-one. That's not bad. Better than mine. Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?

Who wants a brand-new Xbox? Yay! Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God! You're the best father ever! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Daddy! Well, I guess if you can't earn your kids' respect,

You made out with Meg's boyfriend? How the hell could you do that to me? Because, Peter, you've been making me feel old and fat and unattractive and worthless. How do you expect me to respond? Lois, I think you're the most beautiful woman I ever seen in my life. Well, but then why have you been saying all these horrible things?

Maybe you should write that down? Honey, Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy. I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her. Here's the tree. Merry Christmas to all and to all shut the hell up. Ah-ah, Before you sit down,

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting.

So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?

Eh. Clash of the Titans' owl was worse. So, you're from Greece? I've always wanted to go there. What's it like? (WHIRRING) (MECHANICAL HOOTING) I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying. Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin.

"Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now? Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk. I guess wanting it more than anyone just wasn't enough. H-hey, You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what... Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!

Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it! Chris, Why don't you want to take your shirt off? Oh, Because I'm fat. Oh, Honey, no one thinks you're fat. I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board. This is my son!

Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No!

What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? I swear to God, Peter! You call her "Lois." Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd--

Uh... Lois. You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing? I'm handing you a beer. You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here! That's better!

Do you like Coldplay? Uh, am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay. God, Toby, I can't believe how much we have in common. - It's like we were meant to find each other. - I know. To us. Meg, if you were any more beautiful, that'd be neat.

So do we have a deal? Let's shake on it. M-Mom, are we on T.V. right now? Yes, Chris. Your father signed a contract, And now we're gonna be on T.V. for the next 6 months. How could you do this?

Wow, 18-year-old Lois.

You want to know what my problem is?

Make sure your wife is out of the room.

You guys thought Joe was something. You ain't seen nothin' yet. Peter, what's the big rush? All right, you guys wait right here. Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal.

This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy. Ok, so a couple of things have gone wrong. But we can still have a great Christmas. Ah, jeez, Kids, You know, I was this close to losing it. But your mom's right. Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings,

Now get out of here.

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning

Um, how about the zoo? Too much walking. Too much noise. You can't have any good conversation. Not like at Chili's. Where else? Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

Er... No, not really. (CHUCKLES) Okay.

Hey, where is Brian, anyway? (FRANTIC BARKING) Oh, thanks, Lois.

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway!

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great.

Hey, Lois, want to make out? Yeah. What do you think of new sexy-lips Peter? Yeah. This is your life from now on. Enjoy it, lucky wife. I tell you, boys, this is a victory not just for my anus, but for anuses... Oh, hang on, I got to go pee. That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a...

Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there. I'll always be there, Dylan.

Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched! duh! Ahh!

Oh, all right. (RETCHING) What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me. Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf.

Can I offer you a cigarette? - Peter. - Sorry. We have to keep this brief. Why are we herE? No cameras! The T.V. executives don't want viewers to get confused and think you're Meg Griffin. So You're just gonna let them recast me? It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan "B."

Divorced. Oh. Well, at the risk of humiliating myself once again, I still have a reservation. Well, I don't have plans. Well, terrific. Hey, maybe I'll get to use this after all, huh? I'm just... I'm kidding. Oh, please. At my age, I don't have to worry about pregnancy. (BOTH LAUGHING) How old are you?

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

That way, when he murdered Chris, it was a cinch that you would take the blame. Well, Patrick, I guess we all owe you an apology. Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible?

Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh?

I am proud to be an American, and I am going to love my country like never before.

But without Nilla Wafers it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions! Now clean it up!

Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for? I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.

Yeah. How'd your cousin do it? She wore a mask. Don't you get it? If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)

Oh, it was terrific. The first day we were there...

Unfortunately, Nobody's arms are long enough to reach her. Except that one guy. But he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree. Tee, hee! Ho! Ho! Stop it! Ho, Ho, Ho. tee, hee! Ho! Ho!

Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go. And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend... - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire?

Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!

Not about kicking your fat ass!

We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her?

I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow. There's only one thing to do. We got to break it up. Gosh, Peter, thanks so much for being my best man.

I mean, why's it got to be you? Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby. I can do it! Oh, come on, Meg. It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool.

on A mountain high love lift us up where we belong oh, Peter, I love you. And I love you, Lou Gossett, Jr. It worked! Hurry now, you've got to get down there so you can be bORn!

Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

(SOBBING) Oh, God!

All right. I have come up with a design for Red Heinie Monkey, the head of the Handiquacks. I want only positive feedback, please. Why does he have such a big red bum? Because it's funny, Meg! People will tune in to Handiquacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it.

That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie? That kid was Indian and 11 years old. Where are you finding my friends? Aw! Someone's a little cranky. Here, let me put on the radio. Talkin' 'bout the club Lookin' round the club Pimpin' at the club Emphasizing "club" Yuck, this is awful.

My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke. That's just not true. What about this toy? Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving.

Oh, yes, 'cause I dream of Republicantown

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything.

Ugh! I hate wet-dog smell. Me, too. Yeah, we're a cat family ourselves. You wanna see some photos, Brian? We've got two Persians and a tabby.

Oh. Right. You didn't forget, did you? No, no, I didn't forget.

That's not a thumbs-up. That's a hand with a penis in it. Okay, let's see if we can turn this trip around. I'm gonna try some blackjack. Here, take $40. I'm gonna go get some ice cream. All right, I'll catch up with you. Hey there, Denise.

When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain. Ow! Oh, Now I don't know math. Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it! Not now, Stewie. When we get home. That's right! You're a big, fat phony!

Why are you so quick to defend this guy? Because he was a childhood hero, Brian. Yes, he had a few marital problems, but I used to look up to him. That's it, isn't it? You idolized O.J. Simpson as a boy and you just can't accept the fact that he's not who you thought he was. All right, enough with the yappity-yap. O.J. is going to stay here with us in Quahog until I can help him get his life back on track.

(THUD) (ALL SCREAM) Look! (SCREAMS) He's dead.

Why the hell are you pushing this so hard? Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter to Penthouse Forum, and I don't want to be made a liar in the nudie magazine of reckon. All right, ifl give you 30 seconds of making out, will that shut you up? Let's see where it goes.

but our society hasn't figured that out! Did you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs? What? Oh, no! Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy.

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Aw, That's a small price to pay. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.

You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine.

You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity. What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this?

Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse. Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop!

You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces.

All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead,

But we had fun at the Teen Choice Awards, right? I guess. Well, I guess we ought to call it a night. Come on, Stewie. Up to bed. No party? Oh, come on! I was gonna show a slide show of all those silly photos I took of Meg.

But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

So I don't have my name on an amusement park. And maybe I'll never be famous. But I got 3 wonderful children and a wife that loves me. That's right. I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky-- Oh, My sentiments exactly! Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.

(GROANS) Look, Stewie. I've gone as far as I can with Snuggly Jeff,

Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's okay. It's morning.

Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets? Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!

Where a girl will help you empty Every last electrolyte Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where there ain't no cellulite Where there ain't no cellulite And we'll drink ourselves insane And we'll drink ourselves insane

(CHEERING) Yo, welcome back to America's Got Talent! Let's welcome our next performer, here to play the harmonica, Peter Griffin. Hi. So, where are you from, Peter? I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island. LOIS: (WHOOPS) Quahog!

All right, boys. It's my maid's last night. So we got to make the most of it. I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.

I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend. Ugh! Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor? She's fine. Sea Breeze will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for another 9 weeks. She's pregnant.

Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell.

Chris, you check the basement with Herbert. Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.

(MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

(CROWING) (CROWS)

(PROBE DROID CHATTERING) That's it. The Rebels are there. My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be a phony! A big, fat phony! What'd them Rebels do anyways?

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.

One-way to Providence, please. Yeah, how much to get to Providence? Brian? Stewie, what the hell? But how can you be... (GASPING) Oh, my God. Could it be? What the hell is going on?

(GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

Scoop that one up and put it back down in the exact same spot. All right, they're done! Time to eat! Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. I...uh... I misspoke. (WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wow, Bonnie! You really took off the baby weight quickly.

Our relationship is just complicated, that's all. No, Brenda, it's not complicated. Trying to get a straight answer out of a 23-year-old girl is complicated. So, do you want to go out some time? Out like go out or hang out, or just do something? Like a date. Like a date date? Or like a date? Both I guess. Yeah, sure, maybe. I don't know. Yes, no.

Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone. Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go.

Can I help you, sir? Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin. I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball game...

- (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet? (IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny. (IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man.

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

What do you think you're doing, lad? NothinG! Something's wrong with your shower.

(MACHINE POWERING ON) What the hell is going on in here? Well, Brian, I thought about what you said at the park, and I've decided you're right. I have gone soft. I've lost my sadistic streak. So I've built a concentrated neural enhancement device, designed to boost my evil side.

You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

What's his appeal? They should make a tube that sends you right to work That would save a lot of gas But I guess there'd be a lot of tubes Well, that wasn't very good. We're never gonna win that talent show.

I am not gonna listen to you anymore. Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty.

It's like a cozy house where you live That's where you start your journey Here I am in my house, nice and cozy Then you poke your head out of the door with a C chord Everything looks okay out here Maybe I'll take a walk outside To the D chord I'm walking around outside

Hosing and scrubbing as best they can in skirts and suits And they drive their shiny Datsuns and Buicks

Holy crap! I am freaking out!

Oh, don't be such a baby! I'm sorry, Angela, Peter can't talk. He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from Little Shop of Horrors. Da-doo I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago. Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face.

Carter, get out of here this instant! I don't ever want to see you again. Pussycup, please. Mrs. Pewterschmidt, Carter has something important to say to you. I'll set the mood. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Bird, bird, bird

Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

Craig T. Nelson! Are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. Make it quick.

Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Got it! We'll rob a train. Love it. All aboard.

His wife cheated on him, kicked him out of the house, and he doesn't seem at all affected by it. He's probably bottling up his emotions. That's not good for you. Right. I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out $200 for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward. I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"? No. A "B"? No. C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P?

10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter!

In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that a Canadian strip club is the most magical place in the world. Nip nip here, nip nip there And a bevy of porno stars There's jugs and mugs of Molson beer In Canadian nudie bars Dirty hos put on shows

(GASPS) The jig's up, Brian! Run! Brian, is this how you're trying to pass your drug test? By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick! No. What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol.

Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag. And I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it? Well, I guess that'd be okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb? I guess. Goody, goody!

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables.

My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not!

Stewie! Prepare to suck that golden teat

But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh! Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston,

We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead!

ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game, and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's googatz. Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. Beautiful!

I mean, Quagmire's a lot of fun at a party, but, you know, he's so horny all the time, I feel like I can't trust him. Cleveland's a great guy but he's got a mustache, so you got to wonder what he's hiding. Joe's a cripple, so, for obvious reasons, I can't trust him.

Rupert, my transporter is complete. If my calculations are correct, the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation will soon be here to answer all my questions. (WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

Hey, buddy, is there a bathroom around here, or a second floor window? (GASPS) Carter? Oh, hey. You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a minute. This is what Brian was warning me about,

HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub? Oh, well, At least they still got sports on T.V. The new bowler For sommerset is our spinner Heath Who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on 2 short legs. What the hell is he talking about? Oh, It's cricket. Marvelous game, really.

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass.

Ok, I'm goin' out. Where are you going? To my, uh, garden club. It's 10:30 at night and you have a saddle. Well, it's a... I... What's this? What's this, Brian, huh? - What's this, huh? - It's a ball.

I hate you. I hate you, too.

Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard. That's why we got that Steven Hawking guy. My God, this house is freakin' sweet I used to pass lots of gas

I mean, "Leslie" or something like that would be nice. Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing.

Quagmire, take a picture. Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Hey! Keep it down. It's just two guys making out. Relax. Stewie, go to bed. What, am I expected to put myself to bed? Is no one taking care of me? He's a worse dad than a rich New York City investment banker.

Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.

This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney?

(GASPING) DVDs! Oh, books.

Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there. Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this. It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall. BRIAN: I have very good hearing!

Come on. Stop iT. Give Arte Johnson a kiss. Oh, My God!

Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread good will towards all men.

(SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great.

I can't help it There's nothing I want more Yeah, I would fight for you I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you

wetness... with a parking ticket. That is the best. What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no!

I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window, he'd still be in that dump in quahog.

Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad? Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years. Stewie's having fun. Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me.

All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context. There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah.

Hey, listen, I really want to thank you guys for taking me in, in my time of need. Oh, forget it, Quagmire. It's the least we could do after what happened. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Oh, you must have the wrong number.

Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image.

Stop it, Peter. You're embarrassin' me. Look, I know you're upset, but-- Oh, My God. Where's Stewie? He's around. Argh! Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon! Peter, that's sick! It's ok. He's outside the underwear.

"Hey, check out that flaming queen."

Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you?

Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder.

AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later. Damn rookies.

Are those new slacks?

(ALL EXCLAIMING) I can honestly say for the first time that I am attracted to our daughter. This must be what other fathers feel like. This was worth the 500-mile drive. Well, it was very nice meeting you, Anthony. You, too, Mrs. Griffin. Thanks for having me over for dinner.

Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. (INHALING) Hey! Well, as long as death is staring us in the face, I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather, who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s. His name was Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin,

Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. I could buy that. That sounds like something he'd do.

You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it. I don't really understand it. What do you want this loan for? I want to build a giant space station that can destroy a planet. I don't know that that would be a good investment on our end. I mean, I want to open a sports bar. BRIAN: Good morning, Quahog.

I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore. Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya? Delighted to oblige, Brian.

Still, you know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial, I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.

Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual don't mind comin' in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on?

Plus, I went to her first grade play that one time. Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit.

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Okay, if everything worked properly, this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say.

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place.

That's the last of 'em!

Smells like cheese. Ok. "Insert Rod Support 'A' into Slot 'B.'" That's what-- And if you say "That's what she said," one more time, I'm gonna pop you. What you building there, neighbor? Well, We were keeping it a secret, but you guys are my best friends, so I'll tell you. Lois and I are having another baby!

2 minutes to re-expansion.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today.

I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian.

Yeah, I mean, I know you through our mutual friend, Greg, but sure, I'd say we're friends now. Exactly. And as your friend, you'd want me to be honest with you, right? Totally. It wasn't good. Oh, no, really? Oh, I worked so hard on it. Oh, I thought it was good. Oh. I know, I wanted it to be good so much.

Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

Listen, uh, as many of you may know, I recently came into some money. Well, I don't really deserve it so I've decided to share it with my brothers! Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous.

Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones.

My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.

(PIG SQUEALING) Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

Oh, my God! Are these pickles really only 39 cents? That's right, ma'am. Wow! This is incredible! (WIND WHISTLES) (BIRD SCREECHES) What the hell's going on here? And over here are my toys.

Oh, damn! I'm a monster! ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV

(BRAYING) (BRAYS IN REPLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!

(ALL LAUGHING) All right, calm down. We all make bad choices.

You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you.

Uh-oh. It's a combination lock. Looks like I'm just gonna have to cut through it. Good thing I brought Reese Witherspoon's chin.

Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how!

Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough.

Wow, check out the rack on... Mom? Hey, Give me that! Just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Heh, heh, heh. All right, Dad! Hey, Dad. Thanks.

Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is!

Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin. Hey, that's quite a voice you've got there. You ever think about doing radio? Well, I listen to a lot of radio. Peter and Lois leave the radio on when they go out so I feel like somebody's home. Well, here's my card. Call me if you're interested. Hey, okay, we've got our first contestant.

Oh, great, it's here. That mirror I bought on eBay. Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard!

You boys are in a lot of trouble. Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes.

Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

I can do whatever I want! (CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart." "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other, "fart both knew that, "with love fart truth fart courage, "they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet."

(YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page. What the... How did you... (EXCLAIMS)

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right.

All right, chick batter! Everyone bring it in! Bring it on in! Get a hit, babe! You know it, babe. All right, move it back! Move it back!

Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

I just don't know that they can fix what's done. I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together. Please, just let me try. Carter, you had sex with that woman. So, no, I can't trust you.

And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show. How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian?

Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family. Peter, the horse is here.

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

Hi, Mayor West. Hi, Lois. I just wanted to return Peter's BeDazzler. Tell him I never even opened the box.

I forgot. I also put 'em in a bunch of squirrels. This isn't gonna do us any good. May as well see if she's at the pageant. YOu. You lied to ME. Oh, my God! There's Mom! Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? Bite me! Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois dowN.

You oughta know for haven't I told you so? Ok, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now. All right! If there is some other way to prove that I love you I swear I don't know how Sing it, baby. Breaking my heart. Something troubling you, Peter?

If you're watching this one, it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour, and I'm still stuck in 1885.

I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged.

I'm never gonna get into college.

Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.

Ooh. There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're cool." Joe, I think you're cool. Well, thank you, Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work. "No, just kidding, you suck." No, just kidding, you suck. STEWIE: "Queer." Queer. (SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

(SCREAMING) Das poop! I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working?

Actually, our lunch is here. uh... Well, that's my mama!

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison!

Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports. Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid. Yeah, this isn't working out. All right, sorry, we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home. Damn right, you're paying for the full day! Guys, Bonnie's going into labor!

There's lots of fun things you can do with that. There we go. Thanks!

And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands, he didn't lose his ability to feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.

She's right! Come on, Chewbacca. What, are you kidding? It's probably full of disease. I'm not jumping in there. Not even if I throw this pig's ear? Oh, come on, that's not fair. Go get it! (BARKING) Oh, boy! Great idea, Princess, diving into a pile of garbage.

(GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries. What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr. Griffin, what did you expect? They have 100 lawyers, and you tried to bribe me with a subscription to Grape Soda Today, which I already have!

What do we got, partner? Empty alcohol containers. The driver's inebriated and covered in blood. He's got scratches on his face and arms. There's a blood-soaked corpse in the back seat. Got shovels in there, and a hand-drawn map titled "This Is Where We'll Hide the Body." Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you, sir.

QUAGMIRE: Oh, wow. Remember this? Remember when nobody had any muscle tone? (CHARLES IN CHARGE THEME PLAYING) QUAGMIRE: Geez, how many "A's" does that guy need? JOE: Two, apparently. QUAGMIRE: You know, it's kind of weird that '80s white clothes could pass for '90s black clothes. JOE: Yeah, is that like a rummage sale thing? QUAGMIRE: Ah! Nicole Eggert.

We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.

We'll put, "No more tears" on the label. But it does make you cry. I know. (BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY) (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) Lois, you should just let those wounds get infected.

And how I should always remember not to take him for granted. Well, sometimes all anybody needs is a little bit of a wake-up call. And now that you two are getting along again, my work here is done. Guess I'll be moving on now. You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris.

You know what? Forget it.

Hello, family. (GRUNTS) Does anyone need the remote? Oh, my God! What the hell happened to Stewie? Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances.

Wow! I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college. Heads up! I like meeting Chris's teachers. This ought to be more interesting than... that time I met Ted Danson. Wow! Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen! Always nice to meet a fan.

If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent? I guess we can try that-- Action! Come on, Lois. Those-- Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I--I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh!

I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead.

Angela! Open up in there! Oh, my God! Angela! Angela, wake up!

But to tell you the truth, I thought we were fine before. But then, Jesus, which religion should our family be? Six of one, they're all complete horseshit. BRIAN: Thank you!

(CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay! Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming.

It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.

And honestly, when I turn 18, I don't know that I ever want to see you again.

What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO)

Ooh it up A party

(TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement.

Just ask Sandra, the waitress over there. We had a great time last night.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta. Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

Hi, I'm Jillian. Desiree. Charmed. Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned. Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away. Well, have fun. You two are a really cute couple. Hey, Desiree. Oh! Hey, Lee.

Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

Oh, my God, you blew it up. You really did it.

All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"? Hey, I got a lot on my plate, man. I'm learning to use the toilet, I'm learning what shapes are. I spent half an hour laughing at my own feet yesterday. Yeah, you're losing it, man. You're losing your edge.

We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock But it wasn't a rock

God, where does Quagmire meet these women? This is why Boxbuster went out of business. Hey, what's going on over there?

Now, if everyone could just pick up two chairs before you leave, we can get this place cleaned up a lot quicker. Wow. Well, what do you think, Floyd? How did Lois Griffin do what no other challenger could do and knock out Deirdre Jackson? I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and wake up. And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight? My Puerto Rican wife got fat.

What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look.

It's easy. I'll help you meet some women, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Come on, it's been 50 years since I've been on a date. Well, how'd you get that chick on the boat, then? You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back? Yeah. Well, that was one of the girls their dad didn't get back.

You're out of your mind. Brian's young. And I'm gonna prove it to you. Hey, youthful guy. How is your barizzness on this aggressively redonkulous morning? What the hell are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk.

Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available.

Yeah, you don't know how hard it was to find one of those in English. Tonight the baby-sitter comes, Rupert. Lovely LaDawn. Hey, LaDawn. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah. Just me, Stewie. Just being myself.

No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Weaf World/Road Rules Challenge. You hate MTV.

All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks.

You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS)

do you have Prince Albert in a can? Quiet--quiet-- Quiet. Shut up-- Shut up. Um, well, You'd better let him out! That's hilarious. Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me?

Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V.

- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin.

Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.

A teacher caught molesting children with crackpot theories. Full story at 11:00.

Hey, Meg. they got a Happy Days spoof in here... but they call it Crappy Days.

I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it.

"Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

Oh, crap! This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am!

I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS)

(MUMBLING) Amazing grace How sweet the sound

if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter!

Well, here we are. That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice?

Stewie, do you really think you can beat this guy? Trust me, Brian, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

so long farewell auf wiedersehen, good-bye

I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle." (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Wow, that's turning out good. Gotta use that. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Aye. Aye, aye, mate. "It sure is not so very nice in this part of London." (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Oh, wow! That one's really good. Go ahead and keep that one to myself. How bad would I kick myself if someone ran off and made millions with that?

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us.

Big news out of Six Flags Columbus today, as they unveil what promises to be the largest roller coaster in the United States. That's right, Joyce. They call it The Holocaust. The ride has several Jewish groups up in arms, as they go over the first rise. (LAUGHS) (STUTTERS) No, I'm kidding. They're actually pretty upset.

Well, that's what parents are for, Meg. No matter what age you are.

Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her! Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Everything's fine, Everything's fine. Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. Yeah, Yeah. Uh, Apparently you--you can do that. Give me the damn phone!

They give him a wide berth, but they don't let him out of their sight. Astonishingly, the driver makes a left, right into an asteroid field. What are you doing? You're not actually going into an asteroid field. Well, it's either that or go into the strawberry fields. Hey, you know what I'm getting into? Is one-legged chicks. Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg?

(ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.

What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat.

All right, on the count of three. One, two, three!

It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

- ...and has an incredible view of... - Uh-huh. (GASPS) Dad, something's going on. Some men just broke in. (GASPS) Oh, my God! They've got Ruth! (DOOR KNOB RATTLING) (GASPS) And now, I think they're coming after me! All right, Meg, I need you to listen to me very carefully.

Yeah. Let's go, everyone. (SNIFFING) Hey. Hey! Psst!

Ooh, Peter, your muscles are so muscley. I am gonna plow you so hard later.

Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw! (ALL SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) So, apparently, they found a weapon of mass destruction,

Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) I'll see you at 7:00. (STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING)

Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those?

What the hell are you doing with a musket? Last day on Earth. I've always wanted to save a Native American family from rapacious cavalrymen. (SCREAMING)

Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here. Hi, my name's Peter. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news of the story of Jesus Christ. - Okay, go ahead. - Really? Wow. Boy, you're the first person who didn't slam the door on me.

Sure. I've steered our family through bigger problems. Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show. Well, that's the end of Puss.

I'm just like Barbara Bush! Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try.

It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now. CELL PHONE RINGER: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right? Really? Well, how many library assistants did they pick?

Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely. My friend here is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly. And I'm of a different species. You're hired.

Let's go, "overcoming adversity"! Show me "women I gave the clap to"! oh! And the Harvest Festival Parade theme is-- "The episode of Who's the Boss? "where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower." Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable!

You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap.

Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is Turn it upside down Take it back to Bespin

JOE: My undercover name was Swansonson. Easy, Briggs. You kill a cop, they'll put you away forever. Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife. JOE: He'd met Bonnie.

Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs. Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh?

Sure. How about this? Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately!

pair of Lee jeans for $9. You know, they got seats for children now. You put them right in your car. Supposed to make them safer. Only problem is you can't lean your seat all the way back. Oh. We gotta do something about this.

(SCREAMING IN TERROR)

Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

(SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. That... That's fine. Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

See kids? One day the world is going to be just like our home. All races living together in harmony and love.

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two.

For me? My kidney! I wanted you to have it. Oh, Toby, I love it! Thank you! Oh, this has been the best Valentine's Day ever. But wait! You said you had to bring your boss a kidney. Don't worry. I took care of it.

Gonna have a Christmas special with Andy Williams.

Those things all sound scary! How much money before I can feel safe again? (STAMMERS) A hundred thousand? (ALL MURMURING) I threw a 10! See that 10 there? I threw that.

Hi, there. Excuse me. I seem to be lost. Can you guys help me? Oh, my God. Are you Ryan Reynolds? From The Proposal and The Change-Up and a ton of upcoming stuff? Yeah, that's me.

Mom, she's so sad and lonely. Look who the fuck's talking. I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's just that she's my sister. No wonder her husbands all left her.

Well, if Kent hooks up with your brother, you could just have Chris describe every last detail to you. Oh, my God, that's it. What do you mean? I mean, if I can't have Kent, then that's the next best thing. I've just got to get Chris to sleep with him. Oh, no. Here comes Mr. Davis with one of his technically-not-illegal invitations.

Pull! Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson? Uh, Which Janet Jackson? Velvet Rope. Yeah, That one. Pull! Peter, What the hell are you doing with that thing? You wanna touch it? Go on. You gotta be careful though. You Don't want it to get too excited and go off in your hair.

and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin.

(ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this. Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner. Run!

I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act?

Wow, a Paris Hilton party. Oh, this is so cool. Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King.

I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate. I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha.

(ALARM RINGING) A-ha! Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay. Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous.

Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago. Did you get the beans? Lois, I got something better. You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse.

Illusions! You want to talk about illusions? If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated. But you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions!

Kids, we're home.

Go away! You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No!

We found him working on a kick press. Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill? Yes! I want to work! I want my job back! But, Dad, you're retired. I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead.

ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

The bomb that went off in Times Square?

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...

And remember, you can use that word as much as you want. Even home, at the dinner table, in front of your parents. Because it's French, and French is classy. Okay, I'm off.

What are you doing? Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding. No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you!

Well, That's the last of them. I still don't understand how every light bulb in the house could go out at the same time.

All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year! I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive. Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas.

DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead. (READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you. And Scream in a Box.

(GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry. No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING)

And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen 02. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

Son of a bitch. (MR. NIGHT PLAYING) I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes

Huh, these people are biking without helmets. Must be a pretty kick-back place. These actually look quite nice, and we could finally get away from these dreadful winters.

Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together. Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team.

Let me ask you this.

I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books.

Cool! "Loose" Lois! The legend herself. My Grand Slam was supposed to be with sausage. I never realized you were Gene Simmons the rock star!

(CLEARING THROAT)

And she's just coming in, unscrewing the top, and letting it all out. Meg, your services will no longer be needed. (SIGHS) Still nothing. I don't understand. The lights are on. Somebody must be home.

And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! Oh, you! Yipes! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you.

Uptown emergency. Don't got to finish my green beans. Peter, you stay there and finish those green beans. But my stomach's upset on account of the news.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to America's Next Top Model.

Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search. Drop your pants.

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts?

Fine. I'll just sit here and watch TV. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Mark Wahlberg in Annoyed and Confused. What? What's going on? I don't get it. Man, I got to work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh? What?

You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter?

(GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna...

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)

so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body! Computer on. 30 minutes before ship re-expansion. Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS.

What? You want to draw?

Hey, what's that? What's that? Is that a dog? Is that another dog on the TV, huh? You see that? Go get it. Go get it. What's that? Who's that? Who's that? Oh! Who's that? Who's there? Is there somebody at the door? Somebody at the door? Huh? Somebody at the door? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you....

Can you hand me the radio? Thanks. Hi, this is car... What number are we? Five-five. Car 55. We're in a sub.

(SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV.

The fourth Stooge. That's right. There were supposed to be four Stooges! It was gonna be hilarious! And Osama Bin Laden's America-loving older brother. I would have talked him out of it! Wow. Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts! And remember, not only is abortion murder,

You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this. Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening. That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Roadhouse. That, too.

No, Luke, don't run downhill!

Ahh! uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! No! Whoa!

Bye. Thanks for coming. I'm gonna miss that boy. You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert. - Right? Right? - Yes.

Hello, M.T.V., Um, I think I would be perfect for The Real World . Uh, Because I speak my mind and not everyone likes that. Uh, But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy.

(BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

But she's... She's Puerto Rican. So look out for a Puerto Rican. MAN: We're clear. That was so much fun to watch. What a pro you are. Lois, you've met Tom Tucker. Oh, yes, of course. I loved that piece you did on the invention of the guillotine.

Take it up with my butt, 'cause he's the only one who gives a crap. LOIS: Wow, what a great sentence.

The broccoli must die.

You're being silly. I mean, Jerome and I dated over 12 inches ago.

Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game. I just never stopped believing. Say no to acid. Jeez, relax, Mort. You'd think you were God himself. No, he's over there. Hey, you want to see what I can do? All right, ready? Check it out.

Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you. That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town. Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.

Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch.

All right, one, two, three, go!

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous!

Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip? Mmm. I do! But keep talking. All this stuff about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. Really. I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper.

Peter? You're still not friends with that idiot after what he did? Well, I mean, that may be a little harsh. I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.

Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home!

Are those new slacks? What is this? What the hell are we doing here? Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain!

Hey, Quagmire. What a coincidence! You and me just running into each other. How're you doing? Fine. Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass. And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified.

That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie. Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down! I don't think that he's listening to you. Let's get him! ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you. Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap.

Look, Brian, a corporation is a lot like a centipede. It only works if all the legs are moving toward the same end. And you know what you are, Brian? - You're a busted leg. - What? Are you firing me? Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture.

Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago.

Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music. Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. But then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage. Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition. You know, sing, dance.

So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel

So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know? I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say, "Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger." Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are?

(GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine."

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

Meg, donde esta la biblioteca? Because I'm going to bang you in the biblioteca. Well, I'm glad you're all enjoying your freedom, but have you taken a look out the window lately? What is that? Where's all that smoke coming from? The Pewterschmidt Industries refinery, and it's not smoke. It's a giant cloud of pollution.

"You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right. I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents. Unattractive women do it all the time. You look pretty today, Carol. Thanks. It's probably just the dress and the makeup. Now that I look closer, yeah, I think that's what it is, too.

Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

Hey, Didn't see you come in. We're getting into shape for our upcoming tour. We're playing 5 big shows in 5 days. So, if you-- Rock and roll! Why don't--Why don't you just sit in the corner, huh? Go on. So, if you're a K.I.S.S. fan, and you live in the Northeast,

(SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here.

You know what? This is boring. I got a better idea. James, do we really have to watch Videodrome? Yeah, I think you're really going to appreciate... all the subtle nuances in my performance. See? For example, see how even though this other guy is talking... your eye is drawn to me. Yeah, that's neat.

I don't understand these people. He didn't even say anything and they're eating it up. Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet. Try giving short, simple answers. Sir, your question, please. Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive Iraq lobster

$18. Which is fair. Oh, my God, it's true! But I'm so confused. Peter, it really doesn't matter. Catholicism and Judaism are not that different. They're two sides of the same coin. In fact, the Last Supper, one of the most iconic images of the Catholic faith, was a Passover seder.

Take a drink and you'll sink to a state of pure inebriation You'll be tanked like the whole Irish nation

with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the KennedyS. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money! Boy, she's pretty pissed. Who thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?

Come on, Lois, hit me. Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, hi, Peter. Are you here to bring back the TV set? No, I sold it for crack. But listen, Mom, I got to ask you something. Who's my real father?

And just for that, I'm going to help you out here. (CARTER SCREAMING) That's the power of "please," kids.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

You were born in Mexico. What? When I found out that your real father was a drunken Irishman, I went to Mexico to terminate my pregnancy. But God had other plans, and you were born right there.

He says it all the time. Yeah, sure. I'm in. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. (CHUCKLING) Hey, hey, Brian, how you feeling tonight? Good. Having a nice time. Are you feeling terrific, or any variation on that word? Oh, sure. No complaints. My skin's a little dry.

Oh, my God. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool. Oh, my God. Totally. I love the color. Really? What color is it? It's like blue, kind of blue-green. It's the same color as his eyes. Wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it. I heard he bought it from his dad. Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it... one time when he was a freshman.

MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello, Alan Rickman. It's Alan Rickman reminding you to move the pork chops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they defrost properly. Do not disappoint me.

Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her. "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop."

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes!

I don't know, Quagmire. Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy. Heh, heh. All right! Uh, Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. We have An outsider who wishes to join our community. Welcome to my fair city! If you want to become a citizen, you have to get a job.

Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you?

MAN 3: The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.

I'm 18, and he keeps treating me like a kid.

RED: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob. Later, Andy came back with more than two words. I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.

Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house! I don't even want to be a part of this family anymorE! MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?

We are so "us" right now. Do you know that? Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay?

I'm on to you. Oh, yes. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed.

Que? Why the hell did we get off here? My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her. Oh, well, So she's in Austin, mmm?

Wait! You also made a promise to me. You promised we'd spend Valentine's Day together. The whole day. And I'm not letting you break that promise. Well, I guess a deal's a deal. Okay. By the way, did you know you had a tiny conjoined twin attached to your hip?

"'was grabbed and thrown onto the lab table. "'He ripped off her lab coat and she grabbed his metallic extension.' "Oh. Did I mention he was a robot? "'Cause that's kind of important. "Yeah, a robot. Awesome." Whoa! That is hot. I got to get a copy of that.

And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9. For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V. since you got home from work.

It's not my thing. Come on, Brian. All you gotta do is a few simple commands. And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby. Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are.

Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous. There's something I have to tell you. - The tooth fairy isn't real. - What? Look, I didn't wanna burst your bubble since you're just a kid, but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay!

Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard!

That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town. Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws. Looks like someone's a little lost.

You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

NARRATOR: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you? Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops.

Housekeeping. Housekeeping. MAN: Come back later, please. Housekeeping? MAN: Not now! Housekeeping. MAN: Go away. I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean?

And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell." But they always say, "Just chain 'em up to a pipe." Idiots.

For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

Big night, Brian. How you feeling? Well, a little nervous. I just want it to go well. Fingers crossed. Will there be an intermission? Because that will determine whether or not I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater. TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go. They didn't put masking tape over a seat for Tom Tucker and he's in there pitching a fit. Do you know who I am? I'm Tom Tucker, damn it!

Dad? Excuse me, Chris, I got to talk to Mr. Pupenchest here. Good day to you, Mr. Griffin. Say, listen, my wife and I appreciate how nice you've been to my son with all the puppets and whatnot, and we wanted to invite you over for dinner. Oh, wonderful. And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Nick Jonas is so cute. - Hey, Peter. - Yeah. Pillow fight! You bastard!

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can!

Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

You bitch! Ugh!

(GARBLED SINGING) ...up a brand new day So, did you break up with Lauren? No, I didn't. As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what?

Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife.

Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there's a Chinese among us. Rest assured, he will be found.

Peter, the power was within you all along. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam. That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar.

Meg? The moon. There's a reason no one goes there.

All right, Brian, this one's for you. "What naturally occurring element has the highest melting point ofall metals?" Cadmium? Sorry, tungsten. Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got? Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?" Oh, God, I always get these. Okay, all right, fire truck.

I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs.

I have a dinner reservation for two tonight at Dominic's, and it's just me. I see your problem. I think I might be able to help.

Okay, Peter, I've got the directions. Head north on the turnpike. That's going to be the quickest route to Maine. Sure, Lois. Say, ladies, I was wondering if you could tell me,

Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad.

Feels like the very first time

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES)

Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

But this Saturday is the Pewterschmidts' annual "Bring all your cash and put it in our safe" party. Considering the guest list, there could be as much as $40 million. But we only need $20,000. (SIGHS) All right, look, I'll be honest with you. My father-in-law has treated me like crap for almost 20 years, and it's time for a little payback.

Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast! Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car?

Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother. Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE)

BOTH: Mmm... By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute, 'cause our phone bill was $7,000.

- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. (Man) And if you look off the left side of the ship,

You look great, Joe. Holy crap! That's fantastic! They still got that new leg smell. I put his old legs in a bag, if you want them.

All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet.

CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

I got a D. A D? That's fantastic!

You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad.

What? No, I told you, I am. You don't talk or act gay. I mean, you play football. Those jeans cost 20 bucks, tops. And you only use "hello" as a greeting, not as a way to outdo some imaginary antagonist in conversation. Meg, please stop. I know your heart's in the right place, but... Actually, it's not. It's a serious medical condition.

Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. (ACCORDION PLAYING)

Hey, guys. How you doing? Not so good, Peter. Yeah, me either.

My head is swimming. Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing? I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter, but I love you and I can't stand it anymore! Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down!

Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place.

"I'm the dog. I'm well-read "and have a diverse stock portfolio. "But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them "on the small braided rug near the door." "I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans "for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim."

Okay. Well, I'll go pick some up. Thanks, Brian. I love you. And if you're going out, get some milk of magnesia. Yeah. You just said that. (GIGGLING)

Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe! She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award.

But this is where I belong. I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg. I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is... I'll never forget you.

MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation.

This is unbelievable! Well, I am not gonna stand by while you let this town be destroyed by corruption!

Now take your fucking pants off!

I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid. Well, wait a minute, Peter. Maybe that's the answer. You just got to get his mother to take him back. How the hell am I supposed to do that? She's an idiot redneck, Peter. Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz.

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

Okay, this is it, you guys. They're going to announce the winning lottery numbers.

I'm fond of your hair, as well. I'm standing here with Tom Brady and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin. Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete! What do you think of that? (LAUGHING) We're really excited to have Peter. I think he's gonna make a great addition to a great team. I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God.

while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!

Maybe We should cut down on your sweets. You're starting to get a little Buddha belly.

What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!

Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman.

You bet your sweet black ass I do.

Get off me. I want my family back. Hey, where've I had another date.? You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer.

I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her. Oh, I can't believe this. My baby's pregnant. How could this happen?

Pearl, do you rent or own? Own what? Those wings, you angel. That was fantastic. That was so incrediblE.

Oh, No! Here comes Steve! I haven't forgot about you boys! Saturday night at midnight, you're dead! All of you are dead! Midnight on Saturday? Thank God! We can still be in the talent show!

You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk. (ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on? Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars?

Do you have Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen? No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies. Damn it! This is the third used-record store with that same story.

What's this? What the hell... Where the hell did this come from? What is it, Brian? It's the first thing I ever wrote.

Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful.

Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry. Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted. - Good.

Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.

Didn't you unlock the door when we left? No, you were the last one out! How the hell are we gonna get back inside? All right, find a rock. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I'm putting out the presents. Not like that you're not. Tall in the back, short in the front.

Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected.

and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Boy, I hope Lois is watching.

STEWIE: Yeah. Not gonna be so tough when the sun goes down, are you? (BOTH LAUGHING) Better go rassle up some Chinese food, Hopalong Nussbaum. You know, Stewie, I'm really glad I gave you another chance. You're a really special guy. I know.

Okay, well, how about this, Mahmoud? You know "progress" has the word "pro" in it, right?

God! Damn! Stupid penguins.

I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back.

(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out. (GROANING ANGRILY)

Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset.

You disgust me! Get out of my face! Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted. Yeah. How'd you know he was bluffing? Well, When he lies, he blinks twice. I fIrst noticed it when he did that Barbara Walters interview, and He said he'd be with Jane Fonda forever. Well, I'm gonna turn in. Yeah. Me, too.

I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while.

Oh, my God, here comes Jared.

When was the Missouri Compromise?

Gemini. Ooh! Capricorn. Oh! Ha. I know you're not a Virgo! Aah! Hey, From down here, you look like a Pisces! Aah! And Cleveland, you're the boss because of your attention to detail l-l-Like when we play pool,

(LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming? It's coming, it's coming. There are some problems. We're having much better luck developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons.

- Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. How can you be bored? This convention has everything. You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING)

Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points. But thank you for playing. What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here.

PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass.

(CHOKING) I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location. 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown. (CHOKING) There's nothing to do downtown.

(ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis. You say that about everybody. Yeah, we did it! But we lost Briggs. How are we going to find him now? We got nothing.

Oh, my God, we did it! We struck gold! This is amazing! We're gonna be rich! Rich and gay. Come here.

LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right? Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt with you.

Well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? That one wasn't very good. Peter, They were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself, not because they liked your jokes. Well, Maybe that was part of my act. Urine happens to be very edgy. But I guess an unfunny person like you wouldn't understand that. Ok, ok. I've got it. I've got it.

Did we finish fueling? Do you see the hose in the plane? No. Well, then, I guess we're finished. Thanks, George. You want to say that one more time without the sarcasm?

Congratulations, men. You've all passed basic training. I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow morning, when you're all shipped off to Iraq. What? Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq.

Okay, Carter, if there's one thing girls like, it's a guy with tattoos. When Babs sees this one, she's totally gonna take you back. Nice. What's the tattoo? It's great. It's a donkey's vagina. (STAMMERS) How is that gonna... (BRAYING) (SCREAMING) Peter, stop him! No, this is good. This means I did a good job.

No, no, Kurt was just a guy I was hanging around with for a while.

Sorry I'm late. Can I still apply for the job? My God, I haven't been this exhilarated since Brian took me to see Les Miserables.

To me it just proves that we're truly meant to be together. Oh... I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lois. BOTH: Mmm... By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute,

One of the worst I've ever heard. Okay. Stewie, you shouldn't actually even be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.

What am I wearing? A hat and glasses. What kind of underwear? I don't know. Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what?

Right into the bumper.

No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.

Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

Hey! Hello! Hello, somebody! We're trapped in here! You're wasting your breath. These bank vault doors close automatically at the end of the workday. This thing won't be open again till tomorrow. Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think! I don't know. You think of something. Well, I have no idea!

is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men.

Oh, good, a baby. Oh, no, it's a girl. And I hate girls. PETER: But one day, Vageena went swimming too soon after eating a sandwich, and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help!

Wake up, wake up, wake up. You need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin? Huh? Huh? Ah-- There you go. Oh, God! Oh God! Ahh!

"P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

And C. You actually like High School Musical? What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room. Questions? Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it.

(COUGHS) (SCREECHES) (GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian.

I'm just a little on edge lately. (SCOFFS) A little? There wasn't this much tension when the slaves were freed. Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go. But we're cool, right? (SIGHS) Peter, we have to talk.

Okay, get ready for this. Hey, hey, hey, gang! Everybody line up for a "Triple H," a hug, a handshake or a high five, your call. Lois, hug, you got it. Stewie, hug, two in a row.

We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further--

"Black-Eye" Griffin and his family were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood. They spent their idle time cavorting, doing the Charleston, and enjoying America's prosperity following World War I,

MAN ON TV: We now return to Britain's most popular game show... (BRITISH AUDIENCE READING OUT) Do go ahead, then. Oh, no, you first. Wouldn't dream of it. Too kind, really, I insist. Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time. Join us same time tomorrow, if it's not entirely inconvenient for you.

Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he's not coming. Oh! Come on now. There, feel better after I just said that? - Now give me one little touch. - No! I hate this! I... I... I hate my life!

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm?

You know what sucks, Brian? We don't got a problem with our drinking. It's everybody else who's got a problem with our drinking. Wait a minute. Peter, that's it. The issue isn't that these people are alcoholics. They just have nowhere to drink without being judged. She slams us into the monkey bars, but none of us have the language skills to call her on it.

Wow! I thought you had to be in the NBA to hit a girl in the face. But I guess anyone can. Of course you can hit a girl in the face! They have faces, don't they? Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? You bet your ass I am. Look at you! You're pathetic. What kind of a man gets fired by a broad? A man with a female boss?

Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of control, but I don't know what to do. I'm just hooked on the rush of shoplifting. I haven't felt a thrill like this in a long time. Well, I think you've had enough thrills. Why don't you just put everything back, huh? Uh, Ok, Brian. You know, you really are a good friend.

That's brilliant, Quagmire. It's the exact opposite of what Hugh Jackman does. Pretend you're gay to get out of marriage. Oh, thank God. I really dodged a bullet there. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Everybody makes mistakes. Even doctors. (CHARGING) You forgot to say... I forgot to say "clear."

- Megan! - Aah! How was school? Uh, Good.

(BAWLING) PETER: (LAUGHS) Look at Stewie. What a baby. Oh, no way. Hey, Chris, look. Is that Richard Dreyfuss? Oh, for crying out loud. PETER: Hey, Dreyfuss, where you going? Get back here.

Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da! I guess we got some kind of joker here! Look, Carter, I'll make a deal with you. You give me just one day to show you how great retired life can be for an old fella,

Okay, let's pick teams. I'll be a captain and Mayor West, you can be a captain. All right. I pick you.

but it's mainly because he's so funny. Well, look, we'd be happy to help in any way we can. Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen. And those two bums turned to me and said, "You're not funny, Peter." In my own house!

What are you doing? How long you been there? Those names is no good. Look, why don't y'all just give me a list, I'll run 'em up to God, and see if he picks one.

It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear. There it is again! TIPPER: It's probably just wind, honey. It's not the wind! And this is our Fox News daycare center. Where are all the kids? Sorry, a lot of the children aren't here today because their parents have the day off for Martin Luther King day. Isn't that in January?

Okay, Barney. I'm going to work now. But I'm gonna leave NPR on for you. DJ ON RADIO: Good day to you. And welcome to All Things Considered, a show where we talk very softly and right into the mic. Do you hear that? I'm whispering right in your ear. I'm right in your ear. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night. Dog? Yeah? hmm. If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

Shut up, old man.

Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before?

And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice?

Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs? Aren't you a little over-dressed? Oh, well, I... Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's. There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and, well, i'm--I'm trying to nail the flautist. Oh, Stewie! You're adorable! Yes, Yes. I rather like the sash,

I'll do to him what I did to the Riddler. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter.

(GRUNTING) (GAGGING) (GULPS) There we go. It's his fault we're still here.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Freshman! Help me!

The following laws will go into effect immediately. Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal. It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death.

I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull over. Mom, I can't even tell where "over" is. You were right, Peter. I've never felt so alive. Victory is mine! aah!

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad. But try and open with a joke. Tell him yourself. I can't.

(ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies.

Well, actually, Lois, that's a species of bird that's known to frequent domestic birdhouses. It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse. Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some Great Tits. 'Cause there certainly ain't any in here! Remember those two we saw last night? One was bigger than the other. Yeah, and the bigger one had a hair sticking out of that pointy thing. What do you call that pointy thing, again? - The beak? - Okay.

Oh, he's gay. You wish! Get out of here, you mouth breather!

Splendid. That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little... There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you?

You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

His eyes are bluish Bright and I love you-ish And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude Peter, my boy Yes You're sweet as chocolate cake

The important thing is, you learned your lesson. I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. " feel like such a bastard. Me, too. For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better. Thank you. But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right.

Silence! Ever since you two met, you've done nothing but wax idiotic! I must escape this infernal babble! Ah! What a little explorer. Yes. He's so full of wonder. Oh, To be the Lindbergh baby right about now.

And it's for a good cause. All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. ThAnk you. HA, Thank you. Thank you. Ahem, Thank you.

Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie! All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

Damn it. (GASPS)

Stuff for sale! Bad, cheaply made stuff for salE! Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt. Camels for sale! This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays. Just had its knees replaced. Oh, Great. Buy one and let's get out of here.

Well, I know two people who'll take my side on this. The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing. Right, guys? Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it. (GRUMBLING) What's the matter, Bonnie? Don't you want to dance? Oh, it's okay, Joe. I don't mind sitting here with you.

All right. Listen to me, you long-neck bastard! You give me the scroll, and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcakE.

Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee? Sure. I get off at 2:00. GrEAT! Uh, uH, Great! I'll meet you here. Hey, hey, You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.

(MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version? Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.

(GASPS) It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

Hold on to the night Hold on to the... Man, I gotta tell you, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg. Some of these chicks are unbelievable. Brian, can I ask you something?

Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS) Uh-oh. All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out,

but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself, so you need to help me. Really? Is it that hard? My eyes are too sensitive. It's like they overreact or something. Okay. Ah! What happened to your eye? Don't worry about it! Just put the lens in! But where do I put it? The pupil's gone. Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball.

Hey, Limbaugh. I think you're a boneheaded, fascist, corporate-shilling blowhard. Look, you little smartass, I think you are a godless, socialist, pot-smoking, maggot-infested member of the blame-America- first crowd, and I think you want the terrorists to win.

Jillian, wait! Damn it.

What about your religious beliefs, huh? You have a choice, you know. " do? Of course. You're a grown man. - You can pick any religion you want. - Really? You know, Lois, maybe you're right. Maybe I should pick my own religion. The question is, which one? I'll tell you what you can pick. A tune out on that piano.

There's a rock right there!

I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe. Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away. Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING)

Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know.

Hey, would you like to go out sometime? Wow. (CHUCKLES) That was fast. Yeah, well, you know, I read somewhere that women decide within the first seven seconds if they're interested in you or not, so I figured I wouldn't waste anybody's time. Fair enough. Sure, (CHUCKLES) let's go out. Really? Yeah. Like you said, I've already decided. - I'm Kate. - I'm Brian. Hey, you want to go outside? Maybe a little quieter.

Uh-huh. It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter? Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time!

Last time I checked, that's not that new. This is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. Thank you, Daddy! I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris?

- So, I baked you a pie. - Oh, wow. Hey, that looks delicious.

Is this the latest you've ever stayed up? It's the latest I've ever stayed up. Oh, no! Someone's taken Mr. Woods' Golden Globe! She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone.

No freaking way.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

That little pole-smoker's a fucking genius!

Good for you, son.

We figured "G" has to stand for "Griffin." No. That "G" isn't for "Griffin." It's for "Garrett." This is Mrs. Garrett from The Facts Of Life. And Diff'rent Strokes. Why does everyone forget that?

Hey-oh mother africa

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

So... No, you can't take him.

Hey, Thanks for bringing me here, Cleveland. Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement. Ahem. Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors. - Amen! - Right on! Now, the family has become poor white trash since then.

Surfside 6 who lives there? Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk! Mama, doggy scary! Brian, have you lost your mind? He's just a baby. He doesn't know what he's doing. This isn't over!

(CLEARS THROAT) You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa? What is your problem, Snoopy? Look, what it comes down to is that these false promises of, like, a quick fix to any and any problem that you would ever have,

(THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish! Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery. What the hell? Where's my wallet? Crap, I must've dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert. Dropped it at the what? And where was I? Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet. "I dropped it at the concert." "The hooker took it."

Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers. That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there? Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Ooh! Hey, why don't you blast open this door, and then we can... Hey, a butterfly! Look at those beautiful wings flapping. But here comes ka-slice!

How's the food in South America? Do the women there have exposed clitterati? I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman. Well.... Please, just take care of yourself, honey. Hey guys. ls everyone on the phone? " got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey.

Oh. Hey, Lance, it's off, it's off. It's off, it's off. (GUNFIRE, SCREAMS OVER PHONE) Throw this phone away, Lois! (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Well, she sounds lovely. But I still wouldn't put my face down there.

You can just tell me what it looks like. You ever see a horse blink his eye? Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first.

"Ooh, Is it on straight? I don't know." Boo! Why, you little snot-nosed-- Mr. Griffin!

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge.

Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!

We didn't have no money for a present. So, we all just spit in a jar. I can't believe you're leaving. Me, either. I'll be sure to write. And I'll be sure to learn to read. And the next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of uS.

Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ! Excellent, excellent!

Um, ph-Phoebe? Yeah? Uh, I was wondering if you'd, uh, d-do me the honor of, uh... I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.

Quick, in here.

Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm And we don't tan well, either. From a drunken Irish dad

And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space? They have those?

Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok. I sure am gonna miss being rich. Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No.

I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day.

even more aggressive than Michael Jackson's treatment of his own groin on stage.

"Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet?

Oh! God. I miss Peter so much. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here. I miss Dad, too, Mom. But we'll manage somehow. We're still a family, right? Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge.

Somebody's stealing my water!

Brian, I read your article in The Daily Shopper. It was wonderful. Oh, don't oversell it, Lois. No, it was good. It almost felt like it was written by a real writer. I read your article, too, Brian. It seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time working on that novel you've been working on. (SCREAMS) You know...

Thank you. All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto. H-heh, Lois! How expected. Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you. I-Is this a bad time? Never a bad time when you're with the q-Man. Come on in.

Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. I could buy that. That sounds like something he'd do. Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that. Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact?

I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are. Show them that we know comedy better than they do. Hey, I got an idea. What's the most consistently funny form of comedy in existence? Improv? Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv! We'll start our own improv group and put on a show. All right!

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21

Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now. Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

Do you want people to find out about that? You better play ball or we'll find someone else who will. I'll play ball. You know what, West? You can have your job back. Politics does terrible things to good people. Good for you, Lois. You wised up before it was too late. I was so consumed by power and money,

Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that. Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Well, you came And you gave without taking I would never take from you, Barry. But I sent you away Oh, Quagmire

(RIPPING) Oh, look, Joe. He's making friends. Oh, sorry. You know what? It's all right, Quagmire. That leg is mostly pus. Okay. Here it comes, James.

Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh!

Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella? I'm saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line! We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, Mister.

Yes. Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library.

You know, Lois, you might actually be interested in reading this. You might actually... You might like this. You should look at it. All right, damn it!

- Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy! Peter Griffin, temporarily suspended C.P.R...

I got you, you bastard!

'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best...

Oh, Peter, you're selling your anvil?

Is there a problem back there? You bet your funny accent there's a problem. I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds. I am president of Petoria. I want a better seat! Oh, Of course. How could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front. Well, That's more like it!

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan! And Scottie Pippen. MAN 1: He's also good. Why didn't they do Jordan last? MAN 2: Alphabetical? MAN 1: Oh, right. That's smart. You're smart. But still. Peter, don't be ridiculous. Ross' wife was with him, and in fact, they invited us all over for dinner tonight.

Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe.

Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances! I've seen enough. How Inappropriate. I haven't had sex in 4 years.

Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295. Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick.

Oh, My God! I love Arte Johnson! ThEn Why don't you give him a kiss? No, Peter, get away from mE. Come on. Stop iT. Give Arte Johnson a kiss.

Maybe if I turn it in the other direction.

Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways. I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits.

Oh, my God! Dad? Dad!

(SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

in a recent 12-day study... My last beer. Here goes. I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God!

(SIGHING) No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

Okay, there you are. Well, this is a gift, Brian. Thank you for making it so easy. Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor. I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore. Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya?

Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baa-shful? Oh, oh. That's right. You're all ripe for parody. Can we go now? Shut up! I'm having fun. Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. Doh! My fanny is not on the menu! WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah!

If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little-- Let's go, Meg.

JuST Help me up!

Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.

don't you think you can learn to put the bottle down just sometimes? We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no, but we kept at it. All right, Death. I'll try.

- Hey, Joe, can I borrow this? - JOE: Sure.

Oh, Stewie. Yeah. Look at the mess you made. Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I? Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it. Go. Well, I guess it's not that big a deal. Accidents happen. Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril?

So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out... now that he's lost his sight. Nobody took care of me when I lost my arms and legs... and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Hey, Meg. they got a Happy Days spoof in here... but they call it Crappy Days.

Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh!

QUAGMIRE: (SCREAMS) Damn it! I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry. I treated you so badly, but I hope you know it was only because I wasn't myself. I didn't just lose my memory. I lost my mind. Clear! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back!

King Louis XI. Tim, select. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, Lois, Peter, come on in. We were just praying for Scotty's recovery. If you'd like, you can join us. Well, that's what we wanted to talk to you about. You'd better not just have church toys.

Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit.

All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife.

Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience." (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President! Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um...

So, how long you been in beauty school? Two months. Well, tonight we're doing facials.

You mean Mamie? Yeah. What if Mamie got cancer? Mamie's not getting cancer! Or how about one of us? What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing. All right, pumpkin. I'll do it.

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat It really hurts bad And so do skin grafts Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell

or are you simply gonna tell me that I'm wrong?

Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

Dad, tell us about World War I and how America defeated Kaiser Permanente. Lois, when are you going to get that baby baptized? Oh, God, not this again. Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you? Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.

I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

MAN: Oh, I can part the Red Sea. You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years?

Who knows what she's doing up there? (OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) Yeah, well, the thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.

No. Give up? Yeah. It was "kitty"!

But then he started saying things to me that my father might say if he were still alive, and I knew I liked him.

(STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home.

Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off!

They're down on that ridge. We're ahead of them. Well, then let's keep moving. You guys, we can do this.

Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy.

All right, Mr. Griffin. Jobs you think you would be suited for. Let's see what you wrote. "Cowboy, astronaut... "warlock, more powerful astronaut, beer expert." Yeah. And I need something that pays more than my last job as... Sandy Duncan's glass eye. PETER: Hey Sandy. Sandy? SANDY: What?

9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five!

(SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard.

Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors.

...97, 98, 99, 100.

Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face!

All right. The cat's gotta be in here. Hey, let's take a man-sized poop in his cat box, so he thinks there's something really wrong with him. There it is! Rock 'n' roll!

Recapping our top story. Doreen, I lost your phone number. We met at the Sky Lounge last night. Please call me. In other news, toy industrialist Jonathan Weed was found dead last night in the home of an employee who claims Weed choked on a dinner roll. No charges will be filed against the employee but the dinner roll has been taken into police custody.

- What did I just say? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, look, just relax. You're my husband and I love you,

and now he looks better than he ever did. Well, they say laughter is the best medicine. Maybe he went to a comedy club or something. (LAUGHING) In my neighborhood, we didn't have no Kool-Aid. We had food coloring and water. - Mama used to call it "Fool-Aid." - (LAUGHING) CARTER: No, I don't get that. And everybody had an Uncle Earl.

Mind control? But I feel so lucid.

God damn it. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time. Corrects you? Brenda, he's not correcting you, he's beating you.

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been. Shh.

Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson.

Aw, But you meet such colorful characters in taxis, like Alex Rieger and Tony, and that funny foreign guy who worked in the garage.

Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak. And that should do it. Now let's go home. Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on!

Oh, It'll be ok, Chris. Remember that episode of The Honeymooners When Ralph lost his job but at the end of the show he didn't get it back? Oh, yeah. What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of Me.

Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, like--like Jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and--and if you were cool with it, then, uh, you know, we would go from there. But This is a much better idea.

My whole life's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs! Yeah, I know. So what? Your dog is dating her! No way. You're banging Cheryl Tiegs? Yeah. Oh, my God. Light the beacons. (FANFARE PLAYING)

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power!

You know, you're gonna be fucking dead in five seconds if Aunt Frieda doesn't throw a pie at somebody!

(SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life!

And, Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows. Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great. You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about.

Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together. Wow. We just finished off what was left in the kitchen.

Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party. Hey, Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here! How you doing, honeY?

What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter. Now, are you going to help me get those Hannah Montana tickets?

Can you believe it? We're eating with two of the three Ghostbusters. Actually, I wasn't in that. Look at these guys! They can't take a compliment!

HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP! Ow! Ow! Ow! Brian! 5.3 seconds.

What the hell's wrong with you? I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down. This is an entire bottle of NyQuil. I know, and it's doing wonders. Come here, puss. Come here.

Yeah, looks like we've reached our verdict. You know what I just realized? My jury duty's tomorrow. Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog, I feel vindicated. Today the truth has prevailed. And we've witnessed the power of the greatest justice system in all the world.

Rupert? Oh, there you are. Wow, look at all the old stuff down here. Hello, what's this? "What I Learned on Jefferson Street. "Written by H. Brian Griffin." (LAUGHS) Oh, yes.

I say, hello! You there, I'm ready to get out! Somebody! Oh, my! What was that? Well, Hello, Mr. Water Jet. StEwie, are You ready to-- Go away!

You have shown me so many wondrous things that have opened my eyes to the world beyond my home. But this is where I belong. I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg. I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is...

oh, I'm such a happy individual The moment that you speak I want to go and play hide-and-seek I want to go and bounce the moon Just like a big toy balloon

He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs.

Aah! (EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

How is Carol? Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois.

I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard?

Don't look directly into it, Lois. The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got? I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light.

You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some.

Package for Dr. Hartman. All right, where's the package? Here it is. So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something. Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package. Who are you? Griffin! You got to help me, Dr. Hartman.

God, still no mail for me, huh? Jeez, Brian, you've been going through the mail every day for a week. What are you looking for? I'm expecting a very important package. Another one? You haven't even opened the one that came for you a week ago. You idiot, why didn't you tell me this was here?

Listen, thanks, everybody. I had a great time tonight. I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport.

I've never felt so in control. I know the feeling. It's how I feel when I burp really loud in an underground parking structure to assert my dominance. (BURPING LOUDLY) Says the king.

What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast!

(DOORBELL RINGING) (STAMMERING) Are you... Cheryl? Hi, Glenn.

PeteR, You can't just print lies about people. Luke Perry has a wife and son. So what? A lot of famous types lead secret lives that we don't even know about. Like Ricky Martin.

I'm no fool Lando's cool Yeah! You're the coolest, Lando!

Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter! Yeah, Griffin gets it!

And it's all thanks to us. DISPATCHER: Attention, patrol cars, we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center. Is anyone in the area? Wait a minute. That's where Peter's AA meeting is. This is Officer Swanson. I'm on it. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that?

(SOBBING) Daddy, what happened to you? I can't live without the country club. You did this, Peter! This is all your fault! I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years. It's choppier, it's more texturized. Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name? Well, now that you know how it feels,

Shit, I should have said something. He let me say it twice now. It's like we're married. (MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far?

MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

"Love always protects, always trusts, "always hopes, always perseveres.

but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling.

Dad, was there ever a real city of New Orleans? No one knows, Chris. No one knows. Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes.

It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything.

Murderer! Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.

What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid...

TOM: (SMACKS LIPS) Okay, I'm done. That's right, Joyce! Apparently, there were 100 kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog. And yet my guy can't get dick. JOYCE: Singled out for special recognition in orchestrating today's drug bust was Officer Joe Swanson. It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.

And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? $100,000. Pretty good, huh?

This just in. Lois Griffin has been named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players.

(MOANING EXCITEDLY) Oh, no! I think I hear my husband. Honey, I'm home. What the hell is this? (SHOUTING) Who's he? Thank God you're home, honey. He tried to rape me. Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS) Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian. Penelope told me I had to kill you because you said we should break up, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

WhAt? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh, uh, I mean, What?

Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. Come on. You're worrying about nothing. Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story.

Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Peter! No! No! Oh, my God... (SOBBING) It's time for you to leave. I can change. I can change. I'm sorry, Peter. We're done. We can never talk again.

You know what? You only live once. I am sticking my head out the window. Yes, this is the best version of whatever's so enjoyable about this. Mom, I'm scared.

We demand obedience! Or else! Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though. Anyone who opposes our demands will be destroyed. Our first demand, you will erect a statue in the town square. It will depict Blair Warner admitting to Mrs. Garrett...

Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry.

NARRATOR: The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Well, there once were two cowboys All alone out on the trail And they discovered they could sleep With another male Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex

God, I wish the power would come back on. Boy, Meg, I am so looking forward to this job. Peter, I can't believe you're working for Superstore USA. How could you sell out like that? Because, Brian, they have an industrial-sized air conditioner, and I'm tired of sitting in ball soup.

Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit".

a smart, sexy, real person who I can talk with and share every piece of me with. I had a moment of weakness today, but, in a way, it's all right because it's taken me to a place where I now realize that you're not too old for me. Isn't that great? You're not too old for me! You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me.

Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!

(SCREAMING) (PANTING)

And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. (FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work? What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah. You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works? I don't know. Yeah. You want to maybe just go? Quagmire, come on! I'm really trying hard here. Who asked you to try hard? Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you.

And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING)

I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me?

Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy, or just coming back from a colonoscopy. The fuck's going on down there? Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. Come on, we want our buddy back. I'm not putting that toupee on again, Peter,

What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here! STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be?

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS)

Same thing happened with that blog I started on 9/11.

I never would've got that job as a seat filler for fetuses. Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we? Hi. He'll be right back. He's in the bathroom.

I guess the government's pretty good, like Lois says. Actually, I took the toll roads. Privately built. Way smoother than the crumbling public road system. Yeah, Lois. Government sucks at doing stuff. Oh, no, toll roads sound great. Too bad only the very rich can afford to use them. I agree with Lois. Well, maybe more people could if the government wasn't taxing the bejesus out of them.

(PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs! (PLAYS OFF-KEY)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before,

(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat?

Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit! Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around. Such a mom answer. Well, Have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer? Creepy. Oh, I saw some cute dresses down the street. If nothing else, it'll make you feel better. Come on, you guys.

Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you! Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home?

to aid the little ones' nourishment. But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written. "These were difficult times "for the children of Ipswich "when the lollipop famine "cursed their pleasant village." How can you stand watching this?

You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy, but others might. Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy. Laura Bush killed a guy. Well, come on in.

Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here. Some people, gee whiz. Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan. Do I at least call him Jon? No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys?

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest. It can't be done. Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ.

- Hi, Peter. - Oh, my God, Lois. You're all better. That's right. And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months. I'll enjoy that. And, Peter, I got a surprise for you. You got the kids back. I love you so much, delicious French-fry wife.

All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that.

(RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)

We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?

Oh, And what if I do? I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress. You said there was no film in that camera! Come on, Stewie. It's time to change your diaper. Uh, Mind if I watch?

Brian, meet George W. Bush. Hey, Georgie!

Oh, Chris, my baby! Hi, Mom and Dad. Everybody, this is my wife, Loka. We're married. Well, maybe here, but not in America, where God pays attention. Now, get your things together. We're leaving right now. Mom, I'm not going anywhere. I'm happy here.

My God. Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.

Oh, hi. You must be Kate. I'm Brian's nurse. He's had a little accident, I'm afraid. Oh, my God, Brian! Are you okay? Oh, don't worry. I'm fine. I'm just sort of bandaged up right now. You must be Kate's parents. It's so nice to meet you. Well, it's lovely to meet you, too. So, what happened?

Mom, she's so sad and lonely. Look who the fuck's talking.

I'm back from space, everybody. You got lucky, Peter. How was it, Dad? Mind-boggling, Chris. Barreling around the Earth at 5 miles per second, watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe.

Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God...

How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal! Aw, jeez, This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois! ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh... I'm gonna ask someone for directions.

to see You've got a lot to seE Brian, I've missed so much! I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!

I couldn't save your seat. I know I'm late, I apologize. - Hello, fellow moviegoer. - Sorry, I couldn't get him to move. undefinedWhere have you been? " just had it out with Peter. Would you like some corn? I brought it from home. Peter? You're still not friends with that idiot after what he did? Well, I mean, that may be a little harsh. I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

That's right, ma'am. Wow! This is incredible! (WIND WHISTLES) (BIRD SCREECHES) What the hell's going on here? And over here are my toys. This is my fire truck, my Slinky, my Silly Putty. You know, Silly Putty's awesome,

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING)

It's such an honor to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, Kids? Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here.

Joe, please, can't we talk about this? There's nothing to talk about. I've outgrown you, Bonnie. I need to spread my legs and fly. (CAR HORN HONKING) Keep the kid. Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on. Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie. Don't move!

I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room!

Here you go, hon. From Flappy himself. I don't care if they're from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan! Try them. You'll like them. Yes, well, I rather doubt that. Oh. Yes! Oh, These are delectable. Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you!

and my shirt was ruined. So, that's what that was. I mean, he was very nice about it. He said, "Send me the bill." I mean, that's not how he said it, but... You know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check,

Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But.... But I.... You....

Oh, my God! Meg Griffin, you are so sued. Luke Perry is suing us? Dad, how could you do this to me?

why don't you toss this ice cube tray full of orange juice in there? And be careful with the toothpicks. Lando, Lando. Lando! Be careful with the toothpicks.

Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was. After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina, where I managed to get a job at a summer camp for fat kids.

Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down.

Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai. Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back!

You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is?

And that's exactly what you'll get with Mayor Adam West. (CHUCKLING) Oh, snap. Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've been giving us. Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing. What the hell you talking about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me.

In anticipation of this event,

Daddy! Just as I thought! Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. Daddy, you're the embarrassment. Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run! PETER: And so they set off on their escape to the North.

Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks, but you're also my father, and you're the only one I'll ever have, so I'm not going to fire you.

There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert. Meg, get in the car, we're going home.

(HISSES) (GRUNTING) (HISSES) Hey, get out here and fight me! (GRUNTS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, guys. Really? Let's go. What the hell's going on up there? (SNORING) What? Yep. Yep.

Bastards! Giddy-up, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! Hya! Well, bye. And to think they used to be our best friends! Well, That was then and this is now! And this is a chair. That's a lamp. And You have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy! WEll, To be honest, Peter,

So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! (SHOUTS) What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! Hey, what the hell? What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? You want to go? Go? What are you talking about?

But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch. Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please? Dad, what the hell? Lois, did you know that Meg had a date? Yes. With that nice boy from the hospital. What's the matter? We don't know him. Maybe he's not even a boy. Maybe he's two dwarves in an overcoat,

And with only 30 seconds to go, we thank you for choosing Channel Five as your Armageddon network.

Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois! Maybe I should go in. He's so upset. He's just being melodramatic. You've got to ignore it if you really want to help him. Are you flexing? What, me? No. Why would I be flexing?

What are you doing? Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding. No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you!

I don't know. Room for one more?

Brian, there you are. Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago. Oh, yeah, he... He's... He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago. What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! (GASPING) Oh, my little sweetie! Hey, Brian, remember me?

Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

What's in there? It feels cold. That place is strong with the dark side. But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead. I'm going in there anyway. (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower. Now I'm going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool. Now, no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into, or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose, I want you to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and float towards the pie.

we should rescue him in three years.

Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died. (HISSING) (SCREAMING)

Whoa! Yikes! Awkward. "Cheney told me that's where leprechauns hide their gold." More at 11. Hey! You know who lives in this house? A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony!

M-m-max, Max, Max,

(GASPING) LOIS: I'm home, Peter! Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin!

f mean, one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba, for tha t ma tter? ff f were 40 years younger, f would plow that till next July. All right, class, today as a special treat, I'm going to show you this

(SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you. Oh, They won't! Because I'm never going back to that school again! Um, Dad, after dinner, could you help me with my algebra? Hey, You're a big man. You figure it out! You know, I bet there's a part of you that really wants to be friends with them.

Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING)

Um... I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Set your course for the Hoth system. Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's this handshake business, huh?

I would give my right hand for this day to just end. Oh, no. Damn it. They changed the security code. Let me see if I can do something about that. Hey, baby. You're gonna let us through, ain't you?

it'll give me the rush I've been looking for. (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, thank you. Thank you.

(GASPING) Stewie? What the hell are you doing here? Are you kidding? I couldn't miss watching you crash and burn in this misguided attempt to finish college. Look, you're not staying. I'm gonna call Lois and have her pick you up right now. Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb.

Eight! That's 56 in human years! Okay, Lois. I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter! Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least! Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired. Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian.

- You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever!

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

yeah! In your ... face, ...! I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.

A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "Duh, I'm a dumb cop. I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket." I was going, like, 41. Oh, my God, I don't believe it. They finally got that son of a bitch, Briggs. You know that guy? You're damn right, I do. Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair. (CRYING) They got him. They finally got him.

Oh, you don't have to thank me. This is a big deal. It's not every day that God bestows a woman with his son. Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah.

I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham. All right! Fudgie the Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost!

Peter! Cleveland! Joseph! Joseph! Quagmire!

What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING) Meg, that was awesome. On the road again

and I did a public service announcement of vital importance. Thank you.

Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is.

I wanted to tell you that Opie will not be receiving Employee of the Month, because he's being promoted. Oh, yes! That means I'm Employee of the Month. No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere?

"Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID."

I'm gonna slit your throat in your sleep.

(JOE LAUGHING) Wait a minute, who's that? I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy! (ALIENS LAUGHING) It's not the 7Up guy. Yeah, it is. Hey, say, "Crisp and clean, no caffeine."

Now, come here, my fat concubine.

so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out.

You two are a really cute couple. Hey, Desiree. Oh! Hey, Lee. Brian, this is Lee. Lee, this is Brian. I know Lee from Starbucks. MAN: Hey, is that Desiree?

My God! That little pole-smoker's a fucking genius!

what I have done here today is not a courageous act. The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say no to a fast food restaurant and eat a salad instead.

What the... What the hell is this place? Welcome to DUMP, Deep Underground Military Protection Facility. Wouldn't that be DUMPF? The "F" is silent, like in "knife." We're actually working for the federal government, and we need your help. Do you want to be spies like us? Can we be spies like them? We've actually resolved our differences.

I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.

(FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home. Angela, I did it. I finished the third grade. I'm ready for my promotion. Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital. - You're going to jail. - What? What, you think everyone just forgot about that?

Now here's Roy!

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews.

And how about we bring along your monkey pal? Okay. Yeah, we can teach him sign language, and he can tell us stories about what you two did on the island together. No, no, no, no, let's... Let's not... Let's not bring the monkey. Um, I have a peanut M&M up my nose,

They have those?

Hey, where've I had another date.? You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it?

let us pray. Dear Amish Lord, thou looketh sternly down upon us thine flock, even though we did not do anything wrong, and have been doing chores like fucking crazy. Please make us humble and deliver us more hardship,

Let me just put these bags away and throw some saltines in the yard for the kids. You're disgusting. Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection, which is totally unexpected. And by the way, I actually think she's doing a pretty good job. She's teaching you guys independence. We're one! Independence means we die!

Jeez, Peter, you look terrible. I know. Lois has been wearing me out. I just can't keep up with her. I don't know what she's trying to prove, Brian, but I can't take it anymore. Peter, can't you see? She's doing this because of you. For God's sake, you called her a plow horse.

Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'm gonna have to break it off. But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin. "Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..." Oh, look, "Ably performed by the entire ensemble." - That's us. - That's all of us.

That's not the man I married. So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. What? Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party. Hey, Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here! How you doing, honeY?

Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device. And when I do, Mother, victory shall be--

(MUSIC PLAYING)

CHIRPY ANNOUNCER: Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family, Mama 's got more than she can handle with the in-la ws in town. DRAMATIC ANNOUNCER: A deadly fire could spell death for a honeymoon couple on an all-new Hotel. Tonight on Newhart, the stockings are stuffed with comedy when Bob has to play Santa Claus. Then, a sniper’s bullet threatens a partnership on an all-new Cagney and Lacey.

Oh. Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked. And I'm allowed to videotape it. Ooh, My skin's getting so slippery. Hope I don't pop out of my top! Ohh!

Stewie, you don't do that yet. Hey, you don't know what I do. Wait a minute, Brian, that's a great idea. Chris needs a hobby. Hey, Chris, get in here. Yeah, Dad? We are gonna find you a hobby. - What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck.

- BRIAN: Hey, Rita? - Yeah? Where do you keep your toothpaste? What are you looking for? Tooth polish? Toothpaste, yeah. Just use the baking soda. Baking soda? What the hell, I can skip a night. Oh, I've never noticed this picture before. Is that you when you were a little girl? Oh, yeah. That's the summer my family went to DC.

Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant?

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centere