I got the mu... Oh, my God!
What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah
No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
Is that what you think? You stole him from me?
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)
Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois?
One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat--
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.
We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street. We won! All right!
I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.
I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay. Will Lois Griffin please come to the courtesy booth? We have a little gift for you. (SNICKERING) I'm Lois... Oh, for God's sakes, Peter. Yay, Lois!
and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin.
MAN: All right. We're clear. I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.
Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!
God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit!
5% of the country has. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!
Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.
(CHUCKLING) I can't believe we're doing this.
MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.
Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way. Oh, Found the emergency exit.
Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...
Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand--
Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax.
What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.
This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.
(ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.
What? Peter, where the hell have you been? Every time that we go to a hotel, you hide the key to the minibar from me. But I found it. I found it. Lois Griffin.
Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior? Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too,
Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy.
I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God!
A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!
Very good, Jonas.
Let's make this our sanctuary. I wants me that beer. (ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)
Stop with this! Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff. I mean--i mean, Mine goes inside of me when I stand up. How do you think I feel? Is Dad mad at me? Oh, Of course not, honey. Now Go pick out a box of cereal, and meet me at the 10-inches- or-less line. Items!
You ever notice that? No, I never have. Sorry, sir, private party tonight. I'm a friend of Dave Navarro's. You're a friend of Dave Navarro's. You saw me here last week. I seem like a cool dude. I saw you here last week. You seem like a cool dude. Move along. Move along, move along.
All the most important Broadway people will be there. Playwrights, money men, even Stanley Kowalski. Hi. I'm Michael. Michael! Michael! Um, and this is my wife, Nancy. Nancy! Nancy!
Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.
Michael Eisner. Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders.
Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian.
Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?
Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.
- But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us. If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.
It's working!
Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista.
In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. What the hell? Holy crap! I'm black!
Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.
This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
too many, not enough? You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am. Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age. Or is it? I'm gonna be 17, you jerks. She's the jerk.
How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.
Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are. Can't you get the money another way? Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
No mercy! (FARTS)
and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension. He can just take his rocket ship. Get out of here. ANNOUNCER: We now return to the post-Roe vs. Wade Brady Bunch. Greg! Marcia! Get down here!
Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
You know who I don't miss is Joe.
Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world.
Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.
Oh, Lois, there you are. Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you for letting us have the wedding here. Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here? Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem. Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night.
Those women were coming on to you and you blew it.
where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...
Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.
Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!
What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid.
We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control
I can't see! Just relax. You have hibernation sickness, but your eyesight will return in time. Where am I? Jabba's palace. Who are you? Someone who loves you. Whoa! You are smothering me, and I need my space.
There's got to he a morning after We 're moving closer to the shore llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow
(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
this couple is attacked by a... A...
And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!
Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special. Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart?
This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good.
Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.
Son of a bitch.
Now Meg, no need to get so testes-- Uh, Testy! Oh, Nuts! I mean crap!
My son here's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed.
Daddy, no! Please! Please!
No, this doesn't look very good at all.
(GIGGLING) So, it's over? That seems unlikely. Amazing.
We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.
There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter. Ok, look, We're just gonna have to go on without her.
That happened, and we all let it happen.
(PETER COUGHING)
Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake?
Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in?
I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.
Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're...
I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.
Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.
What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look.
So, how are your academics going? Good. Real good.
And I'm sorry I practically cried at the symphony.
Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him!
I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats. Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.
I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun
We both valued our privacy, however, so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media. Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40.
Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! in other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought. in a recent 12-day study... My last beer. Here goes.
But she's my favorite.
Peter, what is it? What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk--ed out of a sound sleep.
"A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.
I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?
Hello, Claire.
What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts!
Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom!
"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"?
You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet. We were sailing along On Moonlight Bay We could hear the voices singing They seemed to say uh, Sorry. I don't do dog shows.
Come on. Let's head back down. At least the hard part's over. I'm not so sure about that. You might want to take a look at those storm clouds. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, my God. Yeah, it looks like it's closing in fast. We're all gonna die!
Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.
Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.
Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)
Oh, come, get in bed with us.
Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!
Get the fuck out of my house!
as usual. I'm going upstairs to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these!
Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get--
9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?
(GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way. Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here.
Everyone in the house And this Adam West mouse
Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
Hi, there. How's it going? Would you like some tea? Cigar? Brandy? (MUMBLING) No. I'm good, thanks. We read your article, Brian. Your study in postmodern American subcultures was quite illuminating. Oh, wow, thanks. That really means a lot coming from you guys.
I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness. Don't hear those crickets no more. (STRAINING) I'm not gonna make it. You hang in there, you hear me? Listen to me. I want you to take care of my kids. I will.
And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake,
CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.
I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again. Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg.
Listen, Peter, some friends of mine and I are getting together tonight and we wanted to invite you to join us. O-M-A. I am so there. Whose crappy van should we take? Actually, we are meeting here. Follow me. Oh, hey, you guys. Hey, is anyone gonna object if I pick my nose with a dagger?
Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
(TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE) Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother! You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!
It's hardly a date. Oh, yeah? You want to see? I'll call her right now and ask her out to dinner. Hey, Denise? It's me. Brian. Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking...
This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas!
I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.
- What the hell? - Ok. Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.
HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it!
If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby
BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch. (CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING)
STEWIE: Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a naked tea party. Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
The town of Vegas has got a different face because it's a family place with lots to do Where in the '50s, a man could mingle with scores of all the seediest whores well, Now his children can, too You heard it from the canine's mouth The country's changed, that is, except the South
Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year.
I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me. Hey, guys. Room for one more? I don't think so. JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser. JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject! JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me. My God! He's practically ruined me. I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something.
Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.
Yes, we're here for the Paris Hilton party. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Never heard of it. It's all right T, they're with me. Hey, JC. What's up?
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.
(LAUGHS) I want a Lexus all in pink And a dad who doesn't drink Oh, and that reminds me Twelve kegs of beer!
Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't.
A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane. (CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING)
(ALARM BLARING)
O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)
Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?
Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself.
We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.
Tonight it's gonna be four. Are you saying you intend to kill your opponent? Let's just say you don't want to miss round six. (GASPS) Lois, you can't go out there! What? Why not? Because if you step into that ring, she's gonna kill you. No, she's not, Peter. What the hell kind of talk is that? Now, I'm gonna win this thing.
I--I'd go with Johnny. Oh, Great. Brian. Uh, h-Hey, Joe, ha! How's it going? Pretty good. You were, uh, doing A little swerving back there. Uh, yeah, Yeah well, you know, m-me and the boys were just-- Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian. You're under arrest. Oh, Come on! Move it.
Eight fucking hours later...
- That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!
Oh, I hate vegetables.
in the house you know, you know, come on
Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber. People see us everywhere They think you really care But myself I can't deceive
You're right, it is. Ha! Ha! Ha! Peter.
Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two. It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy
Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.
Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey!
Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.
Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
You son of a bitch!
Do you think we should tell someone, or do something? Well, we could do something. Like what? Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me.
Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea! Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles?
This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!
He made me sort the camp recyclables. But some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR)
Even I found that to be in bad taste.
Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP! Oh, Hey, Clevemire.
Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)
shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!
Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you. Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.
What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!
The fryolator. I am so taking this.
Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse.
(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.
Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum, or cotton candy, or a stuffed animal? How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun. You can hit your friend on the head with it. But don't hit him on the head with it. Yeah, thanks. I don't really need any of that stuff. You got any dents you need hammered out?
Peter, what the hell?
Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian,
I love the holidays.
Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story. Like, the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother. Could you be more specific? Uh, oh, let's see. Uh, he always wears cheap cologne. Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard.
Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll--
STEWIE: Brian, could you come in here for one second? Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay.
It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger.
Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.
Is something wrong? (STAMMERING) No, no. Everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?
That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it. Oh, really? Define "decent." I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.
Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on.
Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property. And all of this while under the influence of alcohol. Your Honor, if you'll just let us explain... I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear.
My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement,
Uh-huh. Sounds great! Bye. So? Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me. (SOBBING) PETER: Put the dog out. The dog's crying. Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out?
Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4.
Oh, My God!
What the fuck is going on with my life?
Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY) It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please.
Or what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu.
(GUN COCKING) Go ahead, Lois, do it. Shoot me. Shoot your little baby Stewie.
I think you're an idiot. Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it! I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh...
West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret
Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.
Hannah can't do the photo shoot until Miley finishes her homework. You can't tell Hannah what to do. She's not your daughter. Wait. So, Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't? Right. Great. Put your wig on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Shut up! This is real. (LAUGHING) You're watching Hannah Montana?
Kids, we're free. We're finally free.
I'll start out easy. Little more complex.
Oh! Oh! Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go!
Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.
I used to guest host The Tonight Show. Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film.
Naked plastic chicks.
Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!
FRANZ: So now you know the truth. (COCKS GUN) I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.
- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.
What are you making, Ollie? Eggo!
Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.
Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)
where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa.
Well, fine, if I can't do the book, I'm gonna hurt something you love. (GRUNTING) (COUGHS) You happy now?
Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?
Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car!
A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks.
Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it.
To the Popemobile!
So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes.
Hey, you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!
No, No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way. yeah, But you could cut a roast on her faCE. I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER? Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall.
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
BAR PATRON: Oh, come on! Hang on, I'll fix it. Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out.
I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.
Where are we? Ford's Theatre, April 14, 1865. Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic. Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.
Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)
There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea
Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm?
MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah!
So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.
Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.
You know, there's been a lot of talk lately about homosexuals, but how do you know what to believe? Well, here are a few tips that may help you tell when you've got a gay. So, uh, what's your favorite Madonna album? I like her early work. MAN: If his answer is anything but "I've never bought one," you've got a gay.
Damn it all! Shh! Sorry! Sorry! Hey, Shut up! Keep it down! Look, there's nothing I can do, all right?
You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops. Oh, good. You guys can still catch Briggs.
My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something.
ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked.
PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch.
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.
Get on with it. Uh, okay. Here, let me stroke your hair. Thank you. I want to do gay things for you. I... I crave your groin. Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible.
Can't you let me have anything?
Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise, we're all gonna be... (GUN COCKING) So it's all out in the open now, isn't it? Stewie, how long you been all messed up and evil like this? Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes.
Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero. See, This wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and... Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you? That's right! How'd you know? We've all been there.
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.
Mommy! Thank God you're home! Stewie, my baby! I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn. Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.
Lois' life insurance policy paid off. I've got more money than Barbra Streisand. Honey, I'm going shopping. And I was gonna valet park. I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise? Actually, I got it on the cruise.
That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago.
Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go.
I hate these hats. Yes, sir. Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today. Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy, Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy.
Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye.
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time. Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.
Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink.
Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction. But, Dad... Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you.
Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet.
Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it!
24 months in prison? Unacceptable!
Peter, what're you doing? Crack.
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow! What are you doing here? Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.
Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Get some, Peter!
If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on! Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.
Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter! I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny. That is funny. And you know what I appreciate about your joke, Peter? It's clean. It's clean funny! I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are.
ANNOUNCER: Andnaw back to Jaws V, Fire Island. - Yau think we should be this far out? - Stap worrying, Mark. We 'ff be fine. Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts.
It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose?
We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Hey, buddy, I need to borrow this.
Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!
(DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner...
It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.
What am I going to do?
They'd none of them be missed
God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.
And he's got a gun!
Gosh, that's awful!
Those fucking things live forever.
All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial.
(CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies. They're shiny. Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.
"all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'"
P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.
Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it?
A 5, 6, 7, 8!
Sorry. I just farted.
I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.
Look out! What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out.
(FARTS)
And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
STUDENT: No.
Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.
Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!
Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.
It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.
You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you.
(CLATTERING) It's... (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)
A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it. Really? 'Cause I had it sitting right on my table...
The Death Star's going to be completed on schedule.
Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?
(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good.
THat's beCause you didn't eat your beans!
So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body. Come on. I'll show you around.
(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING)
Road House. That was awesome, and its message is timeless. Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking.
Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee."
Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)
Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What?
That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?
(FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)
It's an Amish doll. They're not allowed to have faces. Has something to do with vanity. Looks like a cross-dressing Cobra Commander. Who? Cobra Commander. He's the head of Cobra. The bad guys from G.I. Joe. The guys who oddly shout the name of their terrorist organization as they're attacking. Guys, we're under attack.
disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane!
Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here.
Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee? Sure. I get off at 2:00. GrEAT! Uh, uH, Great! I'll meet you here. Hey, hey, You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.
No, Meg, stop it.
I know, right? Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you, buying food to make dinner for your husband. No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard, but Peter and I aren't together anymore. What? Why? It's a long story. You don't want to hear about it. Shut your face. I want to hear all about it.
(SNIFFLING) But Brian, I... I don't wanna lose anybody!
She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.
Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.
Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do?
- Oh, no! - Oh, no!
Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song? Some say love It is a river That drowns The tender reed
Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.
NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre. But finally, some good news out of neighboring Kanduzi, as locals there have reached an uneasy alliance with the bordering Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.
MAMET: Hey, Tony. Oh, my God, that's David Mamet. There's the man of the evening. I read your play, An American Marriage. It was incredibly raw. I was pretty damn impressed. Oh, thank you, David. David, this is Brian. Brian, David. Oh, it's an honor.
Alaska? But that's so far away! And what about the high percentage of Eskimo child molesters? Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!
Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me. You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that. Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.
Ooh, I'm Lois. Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose.
Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God!
Nah, nah Family guy
Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this.
I usually hang out with an idiot. Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.
Okay, our top story tonight, a local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion, in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors. And in other news, they're bringing back Passions! Yes, they are!
Hungry sharks, strong, rapey men,
No, no, these are home movies from when I was a puppy. He died. Okay, look, just watch.
Hello, little sea monkeys. He's back. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. Steve, do something. Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle.
Oh, You guys are asseS!
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.
Bu--
Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See?
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood.
There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen in the hole in the bottom of the sea Get a nurse.
She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt."
Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop. Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay. (STAMMERING) Yes, I am. Well, I'm something 'cause I've been at full-sail for the last half hour. No, Glenn, you're not. I see that now, and the truth is,
You understand me? Dirty, Dirty girl.
(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman.
But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it.
Shut up, beast.
(CROWD CHEERING) I'll finish it later. Yay! Lois, these eggs are scrambled.
What do you think, Brian? I mean, what do you think of the ta-tas? Can we do better? I think we can do better, right? What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments and naked they would be, like, mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro. I mean, I'm just... Like, I mean, naked they'd be running away from each other, okay?
I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twi-- Hey, Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! Get him! Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this?
WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning.
Well, hi there. I sure can. You know, I have to tell you, Wish It. Want It. Do It. totally changed my life. Well, you know, that's what I set out to do with this book, so, you know, I got to tell you, that makes me feel pretty great. This is just a phone number. I know, I know, my phone number. Oh.
Wow, that was dramatic. My God, he's really dead. - This is it. - Yeah. But why hasn't the universe ceased to exist? I don't know. Unless there's still a chance of me being born.
That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control. Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.
And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are, Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)
That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!
Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system.
Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!
I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?
STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.
Mamma mia! What is this? Leonardo da Vinci, I presume. Who are you, little lisping baby? Your assassin, you overrated caricaturist!
What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!
Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand.
War! (GRUNTS) Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie
Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING)
Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes! (ALL CHEERING) Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense, now that he lives on Boner Street.
God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.
What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'll get a new cleaners. They're all the same. They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize.
Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center?
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
- Australia! - France!
Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.
Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie! All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.
You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right.
You're only healthy when you're tan so soak up all the sun you can with Copper coppertoNe! At her peak, Pearl Burton earned $26,000 a year, which by today's standards would be just under $49 billion. Brian, she's beautiful.
- Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God.
(PETER LAUGHS)
Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you!
I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company.
Ah, Yeah, that feels good. Chris, don't forget to mist under his chins. Oh. Oh, boy, Lois! It's a real mess down there. I--I'm afraid I not going to be able to do this in the time I quoted you earlier. Chris, shut the hose off for a second. Everybody, I have an announcement.
(ANNOUNCER READING)
And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
You should see the way I have to pick up chicks. Hi. (GIGGLING)
Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta. (EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion.
Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged!
We're here live in our studio where a checkout girl in a cheap dress who wants to be a model is ready to draw the winning numbers. "E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44.
Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.
Mr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live. Ahhh! But, hey, what the hell do I know? Ha. I've been-- I've been sued by every patient I ever had. Look at the size of this file. This is--This... Heh. WoW. Ah... Now, Let's just wait for the test results. Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap.
Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this.
He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!
Personal, life, career. I'm an open book.
So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that...
I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me.
Thank you, sweetie.
Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son!
You need to come home with me. Bonnie, stay with me. I promise, it will take three years with this accent before you figure out I'm just a normal jerk. Bonnie, listen to me. I'm your husband. He may be your husband, but I would do anything for you.
And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?
Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...
Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head. Damn it, Peter. I'm probably gonna have to get a job.
and if you can find them,
Ahh!
(LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity. Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?
Well, No wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy! Wow, Why don't you go say hello? I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' loungE. HEy, Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin! Griffin, Griffin. Sorry, not on the list. Aw, Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student.
My hair is growing Growing all the time Look how sensitive I am 'Cause my voice is so fine
What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!
A shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy. Sounds dangerous, Tom. Be careful next time you 're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen. Well, at feast you 're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church to lea ve your self-delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money.
You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
You're fired!
Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.
Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking!
Oh, so now everyone understands me. Look, Meg, we're just worried about you. Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the...
(SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?
So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin. Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN)
(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
(SIGHING) You know what, fat man?
Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance. Oh... Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house. That seems fair to me. Chris, you have damaged this man's property. And until you pay off the debt, you'll do whatever job he wants you to do.
... you. That's who works here!
The guy with the bomb. Hu.
Who here thinks they can kick my ass?
(BRIAN CRYING) What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything!
It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.
All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.
(ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail!
So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened.
gobbledy gee When your poor legs are stiff as a tree What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't his absence slightly odd?
You suck!
Victory is mine!
High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.
So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God.
I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor.
Oh, great, it's here. That mirror I bought on eBay. Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
Oh, right. That's the other thing. Now, this is just a thought, but we're doing it. - She's 18. - What? It was James Woods' idea and we thought it was just the right hook. I mean, how great is that? A father and a daughter, both in college together?
You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. How could this have happened? It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water. Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? Come on, honey. This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner city immigrants. (LATINO MUSIC PLAYING)
No, of course not!
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI.
Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!
Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark.
Here, Donna. I got you your 10-year anniversary present. Suntan lotion? But we live in the Northeast. That's right, we do. Unless we were moving to California. (GASPS) He must've got the part. When he going to meet Evita? Not every play is Evita. Oh, no. I feel terrible.
She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.
Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996?
Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this.
Gonna buy me a rainbow
It's not Tony or Angela.
Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up. All right, can we go now? Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check.
So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.
(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Oh, shit! That's it!
You're gonna have to pay a high toll if you want to get into this tunnel. Come on, don't say stuff like that. I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)
checking out some of that Internet porn.
Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.
I think you are a special person. Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second! A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me? so I can tell you that I respect you?
But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves. Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy.
We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire. Pardon me. Are you Lois Griffin, the Goldman's Pharmacy girl? Yes, I suppose I am. Karin Parotta, modeling agent. Listen, sugar, I've seen your stuff. You're a breath of fresh air in my stoma.
And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!
Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987.
Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change. STEWIE: Are you proud of yourself, that this is what you do? Is this a dime? Did you swallow a dime? STEWIE: Yeah, wipe it off and put it back in your purse, you white trash hen.
Fine with me.
And then, guess what? I'm going to add...
Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.
Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.
I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.
Yeah. Well, we're in it, and we're gonna finish the job. Should we get started on the upper level? No. What the hell are we gonna do? We've sunk all of our money into this place. I've got an idea. I'll be right back.
If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.
What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, and there's more where that came from.
(SINGING ELVIRA)
Some days I think it was easier being Q-Bert's roommate. (SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.
But at least you helped save Joe and Bonnie's marriage. I know. Those two lovebirds haven't left their bedroom since we got back. (TRUCK BEEPING) (PNEUMATIC TOOLS WORKING) Ahh, romance. Speaking of which, we ain't boofed in a whole week. Yeah, but what about the kids? Ah, they're back at school.
Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody!
So, What do you have to do for your community service? I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program. I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years. When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants,
I,
I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.
No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead.
The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. What about that graph on the wall that says, "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? That? Oh! That's just something my son made me in art class. Ah. Then what about that poster that says, "The graph was not made in art class. "We really do want kids to start smoking"?
That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money?
Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.
Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.
Aunt Beru? Oh, my God! John Williams! Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. (PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)
- Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me?
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.
Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!
Hello, dumb-dumb.
Hello This is Tom Tucker...
What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids? Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, 0uagmire Now that Peter's mental You probably ha ve some needs
Well, can't you knock or something? Hello? Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.
For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
Hi. How's it going?
Look at me. Look what I've become. I thought it'd feel good to be a bully,
I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)
Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.
Shut up, you nerd. Hey.
(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees.
I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.
That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!
I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo!
Honey, you awake? Morning, sweetie. (SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week.
Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.
(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one!
MAN ON TV: And now back to 1943's Fast Talking High Trousers. Well, isn't this a fine song and dance? What are you getting so hot about? Keep your shirt on. Where do you get off making remarks like that? Supposing I say you're a lunkhead? Well, I ain't much for supposing. Well, supposing you were? Well, maybe I'm through supposing and I fix to start figuring. Ah, horseradish. Well, aren't you a pocketful of firecrackers? Oh, yeah? You got something to say about it? I'll say plenty.
Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!
Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!
Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Um... Leia, wow. I didn't get raped. Okay? Okay. - Okay? - Okay!
You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate. And then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douche bags.
Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.
I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.
Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven? Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated. You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now! Girl? Girl.
So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.
But it seems pornography has finally found its way to our neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.
- Uh, Anybody horny? - No.
Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!
" don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody.
You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--
I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?
I mean, you have a gun right now. But tomorrow I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you. Oh. Yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town. And I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.
Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.
But that's only because I've truly connected with the one bit of flesh and blood that I have on this earth. And I have no intention of giving that up. Who wants a half and half? I'll throw my hat into that ring. Wait a minute, Dad. I think maybe I should go with her. What? Dylan, why?
Make me, Swanson! (ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do?
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)
welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party.
Okay. You have $1,300. Why don't you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase? Okay, let's see. Oh, boy! Everything looks nice. Um... All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600. And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. Uh, give me the one free week of maid service.
Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television!
Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins. Nellie here is a homemaker, and I'm a queer chaser and beater. Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically, they're all stubborn as a mule. No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose.
(VOCALIZING)
Yellow cake uranium Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry
Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean?
(LAUGHING) That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father. (IN DEEP VOICE) Punky... Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon. Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man.
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.
They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
Aw, bucka bucka baw.
MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!
The end.
You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him! Boys, to your Rascals!
Crap, we're out of milk. I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some. Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink. I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep, then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her.
Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it. Sorry. It's okay.
From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?
to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention. Ah, I love summer.
I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude.
You son of a bitch.
Thank you, Lois. I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian... you look very handsome. Showtime!
That's right. These are your children. Dad, I'm Chris. I'm your son. Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
(ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!
She's right. We're fugitives from the law.
Ok. So, Mr. Griffin, how's it feel to be a bachelor on the prowl, once again? Ah, It's not as great as you might think. I guess I just don't have the same way with women that I used to. Mmm, That was nice. That was nice.
(GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that! (LAUGHING)
I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING) Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- All right! You ready for school? - Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes.
I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!
Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.
Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers.
Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
What is it, Brian?
It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport.
Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.
Meg, Will you relax?
Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
I love you. Fuck off.
I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday.
How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store.
You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
You can have me.
Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!
I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
Why? They're just feet.
I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.
So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo.
Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore.
I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.
Should make for a grand day. Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama!
Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again. Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?
Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.
I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.
Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
You folks got a towel?
I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.
Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?
Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think That love is only That love is only
Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control.
"You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip.
(GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt. (SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war."
ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing! Oh, boy! We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois.
Oh, For the love of God. Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.
Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.
I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.
Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million. Good thing we swore off women to not be distracted... ...and unable to accumulate this vast wealth. Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Butter's in the fridge!
(IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.
Stewie, what the hell was that?
And best of all, my own copy of K.I.S.S. Saves Santa. You just practice that guitar, Santa. Next time we'll let you do a solo. Don't encourage him!
Yeah, and not fake friends, like guys whose wives are friends. (LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen. Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!
Greetings, unwashed masses.
MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk.
I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God. How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie.
(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?
Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.
(SCREAMING) Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right? No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot! Take your hand away. Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire. Oh, my God! A piece of your brain came out! Ah! Well, that can't be good! Well, maybe it's not so bad. I can feed it to my pet zombie.
Yeah, we did this already. That's what's so fucked up.
NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.
I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?
All right, this is our target. The Quahog Bridge.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)
- Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)
aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! ugh!
Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.
Engage!
Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway?
Wow. What... - What's all this? - This? I just came from work. - I'm a secret agent astronaut millionaire. - Cool. Where'd you get the cowboy hat? Space.
I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.
Hey! You get just a few more of those.
Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world. Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.
Uncle Rush! Hey! Ooh, you are getting heavy. I know. I'm 64 and three-quarters. You sure are, slugger. Hey, you got one for me? What? What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Uncle Rush. I don't know what you're talking about, really. Come on! Oh! Wait a second.
I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.
(GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry. No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING)
Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So my advice to the two of you would be... According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival And we just might live the good life yet (HUMMING)
You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.
I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed. I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military. Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at...
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal?
Just open up your heart It’ll be all right Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow
All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass. I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.
(CLUCKING)
No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." (SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.
All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey!
There's a library card in there! Use it! And now, let's meet our star! Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles! All the fish in the bucket now! Not one fish at a time as a reward! All of them! Okay, okay, take it easy.
Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--
Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay... Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What?
Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad.
What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!
There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped.
I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)
You've got your G chord right here
who jumps out of the way just in time. Now the driver can add attempted battery to the charges. The driver turns right into the parking lot of a drive-in movie theater. At this point, the dinosaur in the backseat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it.
I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off. You're weak like everyone else. And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now. Stay away from me! Stay away from me! Stewie, no! (ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING ROCKY) And now here's something we hope you'll really like.
as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker. " could be a ditch digger? A motel maid? I could be a hooker? Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker. Wow, Mr. Griffin! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything. Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money. "0, Captain! my Captain!" No, you're actually misunderstanding. "0, Captain! my Captain!"
10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!
Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Aw, just Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get.
You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!
Look. Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.
Like hell you will. This is our Clam, and we are not gonna let them take it.
This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)
(WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here! - What are you doing? - I'm reading. What... What... What... What are you reading?
Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING)
COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.
Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him.
Of course I do, my dear. Now, would that be cash or check? Drop by Cherrywood this evening. I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account. Ah, Very good, sir. You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right. My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don't work out.
(DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.
Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers. Norm. Norm.
Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me. What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid... That's right. Damn you and such. You can burn in hell.
WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop.
You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.
It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!
All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun. Look, I'll do it myself. How about that? Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me.
You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
(BEEPING)
A buncH of Hot young celebrities. It's perfect! The kids are on their way to L.A. to renegotiate their contract. But. Ha, ha, ha.
Now, Put me back in my freakin' body, all righT? I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life. To hell with this. I'm going homE. What are you doing? You can't get in that way. I'm sure as hell not going in the back door. Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment.
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke. I just work with what you give me.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home!
But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.
Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead. Daddy, don't talk to Peter like that. All you've done his whole life is treat him like crap, and now he's offering to help you. The least you can do is be grateful. Oh, all right. Then it's settled. You're staying with us. I promise you'll love it here, even more than Julia Roberts loves herself.
(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking. Oh, yeah? Why should I? Yeah? Well, get someone else to bail you out, 'cause it ain't gonna be me. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming!
(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!
My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy?
Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson. Ok, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?
Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.
- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.
That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks. It works! Look how tiny they are! Ooh!
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.
But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they?
on your poop deck.
You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks. They're the same thing, Peter. You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.
But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!
Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad.
- All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,
Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.
Didn't try anything new today? - Talk to anyone interesting? - No, not really. Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me. My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING) PETER: Brown house.
I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,
drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me
Oh, come on, Peter. It'd be good to have some chicks in here. Quagmire, are you nuts? This is a men's club. There's the problem. The ratio be terrible. It's a total mast-fest in here. You know, I kind of agree. Yeah, this is sort of lame. Well, we can fix that. Come on, girls, let's dance.
Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.
Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.
I got first place, Dad. Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.
No fucking way someone's a doctor here.
But I sent you away Oh, Quagmire You kissed me And stopped me from shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire God, he's so talented. You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them.
Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.
Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.
My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."
(PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!
Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging? ls somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs?
You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right.
He wants to have sex with me so bad. (LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to.
Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second? Yeah. What's up, Eric? Everything okay? Yeah. Just come into my office.
That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.
Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind!
Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy. I'll get it. Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
WEENIE: (ON RADIO) Hey, welcome back to Weenie and The Butt on 97.1. CHORUS: 97.1! Ooh! Weenie and The Butt. Just like the grown-ups listen to. THE BUTT: And that was Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris, which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets!
For god's sake. If I wanted to marry Lola Falana, I would have. Look, Lola. This whole thing is just going way too fast for me. For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!
So, somehow the lightning gave your dad the power to turn anyone I touch into Robin Williams. Good. I can ask him how he got his RV stuck on the tip of a mountain. Peter, did Dr. Hartman say how long this was gonna last? There is no more Dr. Hartman, Lois. He's Robin Williams now.
(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home.
Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours.
Hi there. Hi. I'm Cindy. The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me. Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian.
MEG: Oh, my God, Mom!
You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.
(WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me!
I was providing for our family. You were lying.
Not too bad.
- Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over. All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery.
Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam. That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar.
Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.
Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!" Play or pass? We're gonna play. Oh, this must be your lovely wife.
They'll come after you, like Peter went after that hockey coach. Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope. Okay. You can't leave, Brian.
JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf.
You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.
That truck's coming up on us awful fasT. Holy crap! Do you see what I see? I'm afraid I do! We're being chased by ghosts!
Well, to be honest, I lied for booze. But, Meg, you're a smart girl. You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong. You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian. Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image.
It's... (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING) (ANNOUNCER READING)
No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING)
Who, me? Yes, me.
I'd like to propose a toast. to our neighbors. Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but, hey, if they moved out, some smelly Hawaiians might move in. Hear, hear! Hey, Where's Quagmire? Yeah, If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived.
"Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?
Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.
Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all.
I went back into the dining room and got the knife.
Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
(SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
I'm pregnant!
Now, let's get out there and meet some ladies, huh? But I don't want to date anyone else. I want Anna. Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin!
Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?
So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.
- You what? - That's right,
And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
Hey, Peter.
Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)
oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too.
Well, it may be popular, but I have to say I agree with Arianna. I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER)
right now, in high school, by these lockers. I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake.
Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!
Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.
I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.
I don't know. DJ ON RADIO: Classic rock 103.7, WHGT. I hate this station. They always make promises they can't deliver.
Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this.
(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!
I had sex with her!
Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
I can't... I can't do that. Hey, tweeps! JK, I don't follow you, you're lame. But look who just got herself a sick new tat. MEG: Oh, my God, Mom!
A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.
I got a great lawyer, and he says, worst case, eight to 12 years. And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. (TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH SCREAM) (CAR CRASHING) Goodbye, terrible women.
We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh! And a well-funded 401k. Ah! We are gonna have sex at some point!
Damn!
Fine, sweetie. This whole thing just makes me sick! For crying out loud, We played Pictionary with them! Bastards! Giddy-up, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! Hya! Well, bye. And to think they used to be our best friends! Well, That was then and this is now! And this is a chair. That's a lamp.
Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)
(TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.
Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again! (ALL CLUCKING)
ALL: No. Here, let me just read one. If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"? Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over. But I really missed you guys. I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. So I came home.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
There's something I always wanted to ask you. You were with a lot of girls. Did you ever get a sexual disease? Herpes twice. And the clap. aay!
No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again.
(STEWIE GASPS)
Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.
(GROANS) What the hell happened?
That's his house! undefinedTake that! " got it! Take that, you bum! What the hell are you doing? As that him? Yeah! Oh, crap! Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.
and you can stop acting like such a jackass.
(SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) I got glass in my face. Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. (DINGS) I got it. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch. You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television,
yeah! In your ... face, ...!
Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?
I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED! Your boy is out of the Scouts! Jeez, Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been 2 years!
Ah! What the heck? NudisT!
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
There's my little guy. Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.
A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!
Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you!
(SCREAMING)
This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?
Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby.
What the hell is going on up there? Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores. Better there than here where all my stuff is. So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11? Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.
Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.
Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Cookie.
and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here.
I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.
Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say. You're saving my life. Well, you saved mine. And, hey, we... We had a lot of good years together, right? Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.
Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home.
Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.
(RIPPING)
What are we watching? Glee?
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.
Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!
Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape.
Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol? Mister, you're in serious trouble.
oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava.
Oh, my God, how did he do that?
You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)
and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah Family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,
Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)
You bastard!
You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
I see. But you wrote all your other songs, right? No, all of my songs were written by other people. As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters. Oh. So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.
Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!
and I feel like I've never treated her as well as I should have. Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. (LAUGHING) Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.
'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.
This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past that blockade. This bucket's got a few surprises left in her. Plus, me and Chewie are on it. Ain't that right, Chewie? Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder. You my nerf herder.
dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.
You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out. I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. Very well, follow me, Brian.
Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.
Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient. We're projecting 10 billion within five years.
And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs. Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know?
but only a Griffin has thiS. Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it. Yes! Mmm, Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby! I'm going to sex you up so crazy! Yeah! Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?
Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!
Oh, Valentine's Day. How romantic.
Quick, Brian! Get down!
Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?
I--I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just, did I just get bit by a mosquito? Hey, Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him his grandmother was just trying to work me over?
Shh, shh, shh. That's right. I bet you're hungry. It's okay. (SNIFFS) That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.
Road House.
If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain.
So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!
Hey, ladies. You mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes. Stewie, what is that on your lip? I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?"
What the fuck happened?
Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.
"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!
Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg.
Shh. Dad's awake. Don't bother whispering. I don't have a hangover. It's a Christmas miracle! Shouldn't you have your sweater on? That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.
(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)
- Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super...
I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
Hey, Matt. Matt.
This is horse shit!
(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.
But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house
Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING)
Enough of this crap.
What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!
Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know.
That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.
Well, I bet I did something really important and exciting. Like maybe I was a speechwriter for the first ever black president. Hey, can he say the word "ask"? Or is that a word we should avoid?
Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.
We're gonna get a great view of the track from up here. This is gonna be a great race. Hey, what... What are you doing? Get down there. Where's your midget? Sorry, boss. Had to pee. Come on, you. Guess he's got a small bladder. (LAUGHING) Little tiny guy. Gotta go all the time. (CHUCKLING) Even though he's got to race, he couldn't hold it.
Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me.
(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
MARY HART: Celebrating birthdays today, IG-88 turns 27, Lando Calrissian is 42, and "I Don't Like You, Either" Guy is 63.
And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me. And I want to thank you
Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.
we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati. - That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was. Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one.
Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?
and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC,
Well, y'know, When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical. But then I thought, hey! I could be like Hillary Clinton. Only, y'know without the penis.
(LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show? Peter, put me down. I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?
One of these days, Alice. One of these days... Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon. Oh.
(WAILING)
He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)
Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say
It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops.
Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel. Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? Yeah. Welcome to hell.
Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg. Here we go.
All right, I am totally flaccid,
Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, hey, it's Tom! Tommy! Hey, hey, I hear you took that black chick home. Hey, hey, you're welcome.
(SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV) Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...
undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy.
I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to. Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? (ALL YELLING) There you boys are. How was your meeting?
Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo, if you can believe that. (SHOUTING SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH) Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house, an event that will most likely be canceled in the future.
Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.
MAN ON TV: We now return to How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother. I was walking with my professor,
"Very interesting. "But stupid." Oh, My God! I love Arte Johnson! ThEn Why don't you give him a kiss? No, Peter, get away from mE. Come on. Stop iT. Give Arte Johnson a kiss.
Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT? Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?
CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."
Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient? Spugizakom. Ew!
I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad.
(GASPS) FEMALE VOICE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency? Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed by an Imperial walker and I need roadside assistance. Of course, sir. Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar? Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar. (HOARSELY) It's a trap.
Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!
Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!
I don't want to talk to you. Get out!
You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt. Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! (PANTING) (GRUNTING) (LOUD CRACK) My back. I can't move.
Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions. Yes, so many questions! Me! Me! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Stu! Stu! Stu! Yes, you there. (GROANS) Yes, I have a question.
Peter, I wish you'd get rid of this thing. It's an absolute eyesore. What do you care, Lois? You girls got The Clam. We got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody. What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house. STEWIE: What is this? There's something wrong with the house. I don't like change!
ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful.
When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain.
Isn't she beautiful, Brian? The Duke boys would be proud, Peter. Yeah, And you got to get in through the window, like this. Ok. Now you. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead.
MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog. Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)
Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo. Well, Sometimes the business world's funny.
Wait a minute, do you know what this is?
Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson. Oh, Archie. I can't see out of my sheet! Edith, will you stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus. And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
and you want to chase us down the street as we're pulling away, you know where to find us.
We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.
Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!
Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight.
Peter, we can't do it. You're too heavy. PETER: Keep going. You're almost there. I found a rock I like.
Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--
Hey, you guys!
Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!
You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick.
Men, form up Crippletron!
Peter, where are you going? Lois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face. But Now that I've been given another chance, I'm gonna do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing. I'm gonna jump off this building.
I have one question for you! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that. So Joseph and Mary were turned away from the inn.
Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.
Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more.
(CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.
Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.
I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.
I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon. Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects. Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
on your poop deck. Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams...
That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!
Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.
Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,
All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep.
You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?
I'm having a great time, Stewie.
Aw, Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, Like diamonds.
Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!
I'm proud of you, son. You are? 'cause I heard what you said about my huge, you know. Oh. Oh, you--You heard that, huh? Well, i--I was just being stupid. Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing.
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word?
I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back. I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you.
PETER: God damn it!
Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!
And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. Really? I don't know. I'm just bored.
Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?
Aah! Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What the hell are you doing here? It's a long story with some terrific performances, and a wonderful scene in A carnival, but I'll cut to the ending. I want to marry Lois! Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this, and stay away from my daughter forever!
MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas! MAN: Infertility! Here we go! Our grand prize winner is Brian Griffin.
You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so. All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night. Sperm finding a fertile egg. You refusing to do what a sane woman would do. You got him, Meg. You got him for life. Thanks, Brian.
Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.
But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa? Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out. Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay!
Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.
QUAGMIRE: But that wasn't the case.
Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,
Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...
So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on--
You want to fight that lady's boobs?
She's hot.
Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur. Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony?
And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing
Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.
(BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash!
Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.
God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?
but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff,
Who? Bazooka Joe? There you gO. Ah, The United Nations. Oh, I wish Chris could see this.
You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.
Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie. Sweet, we are out of here. Now I can do what I planned to do this morning. Gladiator mice. (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die!
I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat
What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.
Is Chris still doing chores for that disgusting old man? Meg, that's not nice. Old people have a lot to offer society. Just look at Kim Catrall. (MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go.
Don't worry about it.
(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING)
That was close. Huh, That looks dangerous. Somebody's gonna get hurt. It'll be fine.
Oh, It sounds like you don't want to go home. Are you running away? Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing! You know, son, running away never solves anything. You're getting to be a big boy now. And part of growing up means facing your problems head on. Hmm, The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog Police Force to Cartagena, Colombia, to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder. More on that later. Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out.
When Michael J. Fox is in the bathroom, turning into a werewolf for the first time and his dad's knocking on the door and he is freaking out and he opens the door and his dad's a werewolf, too. Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background,
on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
"I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims."
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--
It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing. I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly
And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected.
Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista. What's the worst that could happen?
I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.
Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS)
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.
Indeed I am.
Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today. Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now?
- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second,
Okay, but remember, kids, the people there have never seen people before. So when they walk up to you, quickly stuff a dollar bill in their mouth. Then you can pet them as much as you want. Is that true, Dad? No. Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place. I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples."
If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!
Were you followed? Don't worry. I've got a decoy. Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh? Well, I never! That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes. You know, We all really miss you.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy. Peter, your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptized.
(BEEPING) Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane.
Fuck!
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS)
Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago. - Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you.
They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink. I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep, then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What?
Two out of the three outs required. Okay, guys, let's go. Tom Brady is a quarterback.
Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.
A thousand clams, huh? - What the hell? - Ok. Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.
But now, I wrap you in sticky towel and lay you in bucket of beet juice. Now I put herring in bucket with you, so you have friend. You know what? I bet my ways would seem just as foreign to you.
Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat. I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming.
"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back."
I was totally humiliated at school today.
- Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.
I faked all my orgasms.
- Dad! - Fat-ass!
Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.
(GRUMBLING)
Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children. You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN? Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze. Well, 'Bye, everyone.
One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development,
A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?
Aw, Crap! Hold it right there! Or what? Don't shoot! Now shoot! So, we're terribly sorry we broke into your home, But we just had to get Stewie back somehow. well, That's a very long story.
You ruined my adolescence, Lois.
Butt slam!
(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry.
You jackass!
What am I doing here?
MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?
Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT?
Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water.
Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie?
Well, learn my birthday, asshole! (SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count.
Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude. Saturday's gonna be real special, honey.
Wakey, wakey. KIDS: Good morning, Mother Maggie.
He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs. (BONE CRACKING) (GRUNTS) PETER: Heads up. (PANTING)
I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again.
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.
(LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man!
Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here.
You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah
We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up,
Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.
Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go. Well, Bill, that's gotta be Bobcat. Oh-oh, Sorry, that was Bjork.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.
There's some awesome stuff in the garbage. Dad, can we please have a turn at the Xbox? Just a second, Meg. I'm still trying to get the hang of this. Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now?
Look, Peter. It's your favorite show. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois.
Giggly.
Oh, How did you get so sweet? When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.
Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron!
What do you got there, Quagmire? Is that Briggs? No, this guy's clean. Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico!
As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.
You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck?
But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC, a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad,
Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?
(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?
Peter! I had a juice before we left.
Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy. Now do that thing where you rub my belly! I really like that! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face. One more push. (STRAINING) There we go! It's a boy!
(PLUME SCRATCHING) Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your gray lung. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt-marsh cutworms. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed!
My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?
This is more exciting than that time me and my friends did mushrooms. This is gonna be awesome! You said it.
Just come out whenever you're done. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Oh, God! I... I think I feel them moving. Hi. My partner and I want to have a baby.
Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)
I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
Pancakes!
Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh.
Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg,
Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry. She's dead, chief. Ho-ho! Dead. The Grateful Dead. Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho! We're fucked.
Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home.
Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this. Wait a second. It's coming. There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!
Get it? Tooth hurty? (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch! I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real! Okay, Peter, Lois did great. You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again. Big chair.
Rock their world! ROCk their worLd! See kids? One day the world is going to be just like our home.
Uh, No. That--That's why we're on the road. Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad!
first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey. Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!
You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.
So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen or even matter. - Yes, that's correct. - So it was sort of like a dream. No, it was a simulation. Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened...
All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this.
Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this, Watch this. Hey? Uh? Look, see that? see that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Ok? Ok?
Though by many they're abhorred
Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing. Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?
Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. Good night. Not now, Abby.
Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous! Peter, Have you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise.
(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home.
(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.
No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!
So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation. Don't you mean, just under the line?
Please let it be a fart contest.
This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap.
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. It sure is! Fonzie be praised!
PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.
Who's gonna play guitar? Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song.
I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree. Oop! Broke my hip! Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant. You're gonna make the cutest baby Jesus ever.
What the... Who the hell are you?
Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?
He's dead. I forgot my purse.
"You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" And--And yet, you've taken that and--and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God! What a clever, smart girl you must be... to come up with-- With a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, That's so fresh, too.
What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad!
Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE!
Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.
Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours!
It's you I'm worried about. You're just a sweet young lady with her whole life ahead of her. This story could ruin your future, and I can't let that happen. I'll take the fall, no matter what. Goodbye, Meg. I'll always value your friendship. I love you, Mayor ChapStick.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.
Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?
Stewie, what the hell happened?
Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.
Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked.
If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.
Stewie, what are you doing? Just getting my bronze on, baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose?
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
A rally? Sweet.
I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff,
Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.
She's not that old. Old is Malcolm in the Middle in Season 15. Malcolm, Dad drove the car over your science project. Oh, brother. How am I gonna survive junior high school with this screwed-up family? And me, in the middle of it all. A bunch of brothers living together? What a way to run a railroad.
(LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title. Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight. What are you talking about? Look at me. I got a broken nose.
I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. What? It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece.
And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING)
PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz.
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.
I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell? I found it! I found the last scroll!
Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
And tonight I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called Stand by Me, about four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found themselves and also a dead body. PETER: The year was 1955,
I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia. Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live?
Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours.
Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors.
You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means.
Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here! Well, I can't stand this cold anymore. I'm gonna die. Oh! Well, it's probably for the best. There are way too many elderly comedians out here in the snow.
Fuck!
Love is all that I can give to you Love is more than just a game for two Two in love can make it Take my heart and please don't break it
I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter.
What? I'm doing the best I can. I'm not Nathaniel Hawthorne. (CHUCKLING) Nathaniel, what are you doing? Just ruining ninth grade for everyone. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I called you in today because your son, Chris, has been getting in quite a bit of trouble lately.
What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?
I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m.
Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?
Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other, 'cause they have so much fun cleaning the dishes. AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me. No! Why? Why?
This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.
He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
Get the fuck out of my house! Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec?
Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass! Ew!
Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control. Hey! Hey, Hey. how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid?
I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.
Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.
I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!
ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!
Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth,
It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry.
(SIGHS) "O squiggly line in my eye fluid "I see you there lurking on the periphery of my vision "But when I try to look at you you scurry away "Are you shy, squiggly line?
Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run!
You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us.
And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person,
Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.
(MUMBLING) Uh... I'm sorry? (MUMBLING) Uh... Yes? (MUMBLING) Hey, is there a bathroom around here? Yes, yes. Follow me.
Horsey, you saved my life.
Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!
Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look! WeLl, Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell? Actually, we are tired. And hungry. Well, We got plenty of room here, and all the fresh apples you can eat.
I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien. I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens. MAN ON STEREO: Party music Party song Does not attract attention Suggests a good time Gina, have you seen Chris? Yeah. He's over there.
What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on!
Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen.
Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.
- Hi, there. - How are you doing?
I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.
Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING)
We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord?
Crap!
Oh, Snooki died.
The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser. I'll never be able to face Lois. Well, The circus is in town. Maybe you could run away and join it. The circus!
Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it.
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...
Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon.
I am vanquished.
I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.
(MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart.
I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!
You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.
while you were in there?
PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin struggled to make ends meet until he died tragically in the same manner as 78% of Americans at that time. He was stabbed in a card fight.
Roadhouse. That, too. Any word on Carter's condition yet? No, it's been three days, and I'm really starting to get worried. What if he's in a coma for, like, 20 years and he comes out of the coma and you guys are all dead, but I'm still alive and I'm a famous racecar driver,
but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker, thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40.
It's a wonderful day for pie You can ask all the birds in the sky And they'll tell you real sweet With a musical tweet It's a wonderful day for pie
Well, I mean, it's not really for them. It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude. I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself.
(SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING)
Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams. Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit. For more on the story, we go to our local affiliate, Channel Five Quahog, where Tom Tucker is on the scene. Tom? Thanks, Brian.
(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)
What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M.
Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
It's me. I'm Gossip Girl.
Listen, I need to ask you to do something, and it's something huge. I mean, it's, like, the biggest thing a guy could ever ask his friend to do. Hey, we're best pals, right? Whatever you need. All right, and you have to understand, I would never ask you to do this if I had any other choice and if what were at stake was anything less than my entire way of life.
Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit?
Try the clarinet. Keep playing! Keep playing! NO. No. No. Play it like you did last night. I--I can't. Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.
Never!
Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?
(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!
Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.
Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh! Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports illustrated.
You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares? It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.
Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...
'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.
We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio.
No! No! You'll never take me alive!
Come on. Come on. Go away!
Yee...
Dick.
that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No.
Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.
Like a champ he is. Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes And that's how you make a duck out of an oatmeal container. This is the greatest show in the history of television. Mother Maggie, you are a kindred spirit. This must be how twins who were separated at birth feel when they first meet.
grab a bite to eat and watch the big curling match on TV?
"Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. "You must go to him. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, "truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know?
Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay? We should all be so gay!
(CHATTERING) Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin?
You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton.
I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.
I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.
Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.
Peter, thank God. Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh.
One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident.
They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC
(PANTING) (CLATTERING)
OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.
Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me. I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla.
No stranger than when Darth Vader was a meter maid. Come on, man. Cut me a break. I was only in there for, like, five minutes. I already started writing the ticket. You know, I make your annual salary in a week. Are you happy doing what you're doing? 'Cause you're pathetic. (SIGHS)
"Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit."
then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her.
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands We are the Quahog colonists and Mort the Jew Hey there We're out here on stage tonight to do a show for you
Oh, my God, that guy is huge.
Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing.
Uh-oh!
It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that!
Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris?
Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends?
Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon.
Shut up, "Greg."
Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)
That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING)
Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass
This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same. You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat.
Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.
Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy? We're just a couple of guys messing around. Quiet, everybody, my commercial's on. Hi, f 'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.
I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.
So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk.
bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?
You gonna eat that?
Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman. Because I'm... I'm going to die old and alone. Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking. Listen, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you take Quagmire's class on picking up chicks? Quagmire teaches a class? How come I've never heard about this? 'Cause Quagmire forbids us to tell you about his life. As you may recall, he hates you.
Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.
And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.
Thank goodness I've got you
Let's talk turkey. We want to play the Feud. Well, you're in luck. The other family we've chosen has three daughters, so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye
I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.
He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)
I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!
The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal" where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter."
You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!
I hear report cards were handed out today. What were your gradeS? uh... Uh... Uh... Quit Stalin and answer your father. Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?
Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?
Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
The BBC!
This must be how Maverick felt when he met Goose. I feel the need. The need for speed! The need for speed! And Scientology. No, just speed.
(CROWD GASPS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) You did it, Peter.
Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own.
(GRUNTS) Attaboy, Ope.
(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?
Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok?
They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie. Man, I wonder what he's doing now. (GASPING) Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra. Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back,
but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.
Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see
baggy full of Cheerios...
But I guess that's too much to ask. (DOOR BELL RINGS) (ALL SHOUTING) Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul.
You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?
Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!
Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice. I'll say. Peter, is that... Are you... Molly Ringwald? Yeah. How's it going?
Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This. You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these?
Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?
Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT! That's it! Lois, Your singing days are over.
You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!
The Colonel!
Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin! Not too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back. Alley-oop!
There.
Regular life La, la, la, la, la, la... (SCREAMS) And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer. People are gonna miss me when I'm...
And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny.
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word Peter, I kind of want to do this on my own.
We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!
I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!
Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)
Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man. I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody - if you had the money tomorrow. - Yeah, all right. - I'II see what I can do. - Sweet, sweet. Great. - How's everything else going? - Good.
(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.
I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the united European Commonwealth? Why, yes. I dare say, that's the fellow. Oh, Let's get him. Oh, Reginald! I disagree!
(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)
(SCREAMS) (CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem.
Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell?
Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!
Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!
It's dead.
(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)
Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!
It's important to make sure everyone is happy, so I took a lot of polls. Gay stuff. Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.N. interpreter. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something. He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot.
Did you try the chicken, buddy?
What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood. Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch and our first group date. ls everyone ready for a little cowboy action? undefinedYeah! " love horses.
CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.
Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons. A stunning development tonight as O.J. Simpson is proven innocent. We have the identity of the real killer. But first...
What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing?
I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick! How messed up in the head are you that you would even ask? Look, okay, okay, just calm down, okay?
Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!
Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop!
Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present.
Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!
No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.
I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud. Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family. On your marks, let's start the Family Feud!
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to!
This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie?
It wasn't that great.
I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society! You get a job!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Hold it right there! You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)
Brian, I know my brother. He couldn't have done these things. Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this. Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler.
- You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.
Oh, no. That boy's ball fell out of the cup. Oh, but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.
Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)
Get the fucking crack!
We gather today to remember those brave quahog men who were lost at sea. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore.
There it is boys, the Fountain of Youth. Just like I told you. Well, that was worth the 8-year boat ride.
Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance. They're probably just shy or scared. Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom. I finally got up the guts, but i--I had this damn nervous twitch.
Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War! Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you!
Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes. - Bye, Mom. - Bye!
You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?
ANNOUNCER: We now return to the post-Roe vs. Wade Brady Bunch. Greg! Marcia! Get down here! (BOTH BARKING) Oh, you two are such a handful! (MUSIC PLAYING)
What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!
Uh, Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room. You're Mel Gibson? Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!
And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy! I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before. Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.
You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!
Oh, my God. Brian was right. Meg really must be obsessed with him. Peter, we gotta find them. Don't worry, Lois, we're the police and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl-Chris. I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. I can't believe you went to all this trouble.
And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
"Where's my penis, pilgrims?"
Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. Sperm whales and seamen. A swallow.
James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.
A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.
Dinner was 3 hours ago!
Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson. So, as you can see,
Very fair. Like our prices.
Volcano insurance! Go on. According to my uncle, who's a real whiz with volcanoes, a volcano is coming this way! hmm. I, too, have an uncle. Come in.
Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.
Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at?
Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? You shall not pass.
Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under till the bubbles stopped! Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"?
If I couldn't catch a 2-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race? Hey, hey! What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did--Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No!
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors. I thiNk She wants you to meet them. She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.
PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on. DREYFUSS: Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.
Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!
(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)
Ok!
- Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up? And that's not even Kyle. Peter, we can't live like this. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Everything we had is gone! We have friends, Peter. Not anymore, we don't. They're good people. They'll listen. And they'll care what happens to us, even after everything that's happened.
Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees. Yeah! You are all villains to me because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah! (LOUD CHEERING) What's going on? Did I miss something? Nah, just some idiot streaking across the field. Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. You didn't plan on it, but it's happening.
I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal.
And I hate myself.
My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture... you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.
God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right.
Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.
Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.
Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.
You think I'd miss this party?
Well, One of us is gonna have to change.
- Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM)
Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second. I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion. (MUSIC PLAYING)
Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas.
I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.
Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment. I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace. Hey, Death, I got a favor to ask you.
Nothing but net.
Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well...
Meet George Jetson His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife
That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.
Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking.
Death. Death to America.
Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.
I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment. Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's assbitch. If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her.
oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!
Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew.
Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?
How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING) (EXHALES) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS)
(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I... I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph.
You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.
They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.
We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Well, that was a close call. You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Your daughter's a sexual predator.
"And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox.'"
but our society hasn't figured that out! Did you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs? What? Oh, no! Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy.
Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!
(SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)
Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it!
Well, I love Anne Klein.
But I suppose sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is right. And if that's what you thought was right, I guess I can accept it. I'm glad you're home, son. Me, too, Dad. You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too.
- Okay? - Jesus.
Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)
Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.
They're really pissed at me, aren't they? Oh, look who's starting to get it. Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them. I mean, how would you feel? Well, right now I feel like a jerk.
Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him. I got shortstop.
No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!
A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.
And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35.
Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.
Oh, my God, that was such a rush.
Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.
I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with. (LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen, can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING)
I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store.
In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch. (FART)
All right, who'd like to kick us off? I will. Hi, my name is Walt and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Walt. I used to be out of control. I used to drink from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I'd get in fights and have crazy sex with hookers all night. But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year.
I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old. Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie. Little did I know this would lead to an eight-year-long psychosexual entanglement. She's probably dead now. Life's funny sometimes.
Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.
Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)
Peter, who is it? Is Meg dead?
Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin.
This is barely even a forest. I can see an Arby's through the trees.
A filthy, filthy whore!
Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit. For more on the story, we go to our local affiliate, Channel Five Quahog, where Tom Tucker is on the scene. Tom? Thanks, Brian. I saw that you opened my birthday Evite. Now I just need you to go ahead and reply. I'm standing here at the home of the Griffin family,
If I see you again, I'll kill you.
Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training,
Don't move. Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.
Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives. Aw, I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kind of rooting against him. We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged."
So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.
Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.
Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!
I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? You've had this since 1999? You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? It's a song about dogs and letting them out. I could have you arrested for breaking in here. Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine.
I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing?
And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me? But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan." Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it!
And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL! Stewie, honey, time for bed.
She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)
That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?
Okay, what the fuck?
(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit.
Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.
It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know...
Hello, I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin. You're in him. Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service? Yes. I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinnER. I demand to speak to your supervisor. Hold, please. oh, Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth.
And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married. So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful? Who wants to be pure? Who wants to be abstinent?
Oh, That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance. Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. So, Bill. We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too!
And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
Um, Movin' on. So, uh, I finally tried Viagra and-- Oh, We got a joker in the audience there. You, uh, You got something you want to say, there, Mr. Heckler? Dying hurts. Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flyin'?
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!
Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay! You can watch all the T.V. you want just as soon as we get back from the mall.
You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the "I" with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.
That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine!
Peter, there's a naked man on this cake. There were only 2 left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples. WeLl, Gather round, everyone. It's time for Stewie's big moment. Hello?
(HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants
Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?
(GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right?
Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?
I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious? All right, Chrissy. Here we go. (GIRL 1 GASPS) BOY 1: Look! BOY 2: Oh, my God! BOY 3: Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico? BOY 4: I think it is! GIRL 2: Wow! That makes him popular. JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin! JOCK 2: Griff-a!
Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.
(PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie.
So what? I think what's actually alarming is the fact that all this kind of pseudo-spirituality is being peddled to the American people in books that have, really, less substance than an issue of TV Guide. That's a good argument. It's a very good argument. I agree. I agree.
Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur. Oh, my God!
You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids. - And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it.
I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year! And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)
I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!
Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE!
Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion. We should spend some time together as a family.
Where're we going? Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. We're going to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!
Fuck off.
Come on, Brian. All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow.
Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.
And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.
RED: The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him. He was a fat drink of water, the kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen. Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight.
Don't talk to mother in like fashion! That's it. The belt is coming off. All right, son. Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. Right? 'Cause "hurt locker" means some kind of war hero thing, or something. Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is.
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win?
I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is,
Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs! Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
Hey, Lois, remember our wedding? Yeah, I sure do. Remember the dance? Of course I do, Peter. Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin? I think her name was Flora. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm ready! I'm ready! What? Shut up for 10 minutes and pretend we're in the back behind the speakers.
I love my job. Yum, yum, yum...
Just take a look, will you? (SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely. I mean, look at this. Aladdin 4: Jafar May Need Glasses. Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) Number one, number two.
Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.
I can't do it! Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt! Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you! We'll catch you! Wonderful. - Ok! Me next! Me next! - Ugh! Ok, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow,
Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big...
Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.
(GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.
This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life.
I don't know what I was thinking. I made nine mistakes, and I was afraid that I was gonna make another one. And you know what? I almost did. Adam, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh! But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this.
It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world I say, fat man. Get me out of here.
The midway and the fun
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
(ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him! Boys, to your Rascals!
From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer, comes a funky flick so bad you gonna say, "Damn, that's funky."
You dumb bitch!
Kill Brian for me.
Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can
Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again If we wanna get to Aspen, we're gonna have to get over those mountains somehow.
Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one!
My tulips! You dick.
Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!
If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.
I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!
Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.
Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)
(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.
I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!
Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite. He's insecure. And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest?
I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole,
Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!
Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here. (CLICKS)
Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen!
Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday. There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now.
like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.
What? What? What? What are you looking at? Oh, you coming for me? No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!
My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
(SHUSHING)
Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup." - Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch.
Sweet'N Low!
What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.
Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Peter, what the hell is all this? Well, I'm a bachelor, so I invited a bunch of people over, and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do.
(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)
Happy birthday, sweetheart. Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake?
(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends?
We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes. - It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey.
We're gonna be a Nielsen family? That's awesome. (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS) I think, uh... I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go.
They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it.
You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!
(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!
World War V.
I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day.
You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.
Well, let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing. I think Zack and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants.
Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of town hall with a high-powered rifle! The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns some real-world experience. Hey, That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper!
Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."
Jerome? Loose Lois?
So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser.
Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage. And could you get one for the ghost? Boo, eh? Hey, Chris, could we talk to you? If you're gonna insult me again, just go away.
Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little? (LAUGHING) Yeah. And what does a chicken say? "Moo." (LAUGHS) Why not? Come on, Ma. Hey, what gives with the suitcase? Tom, there's no easy way to say this. I'll just come right out with it. I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Why?
This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS)
That's good. Hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed That with the sun's love In the spring
- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off! Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on.
My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.
You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped.
Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.
I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend. You know, a lot of dogs just sit outside, tied to poles. Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay? So he's Muslim. Every culture has its quirks. Italian guys talk with their hands a lot, Irish guys drink a lot, black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story.
I wish everyone was Robin Williams!
(IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. Look, dinner's just about ready. Why don't I get you seated in the dining room and then we'll pour the wine?
You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.
All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial. If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain.
West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four.
Ah, You damn kids with your music. Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black star of such films as Nashville and 5 Easy Pieces, was on board. Our Hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again that, given the opportunity, actresses over 50 can land large aircraft.
Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.
Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs.
I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!
Well, we're real proud of you, Lois. And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud! What? I'm fun.
Sweet.
Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to you!
(LAUGHING) That's something. All right, so what do you say? You want to go see the Emperor?
Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people.
MAN: What the hell are you doing? WOMAN: Give that back! MAN: Man! WOMAN: Now, where were we? MAN: This is much better. Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected. Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman.
Forget it! False alarm!
and I will not have that kind of talk here. Whatever. (TV CHATTERING) Griffin! Did you call the distributor about the... What? What's the problem? Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's...
We made it! I don't believe it! We climbed Mount Everest!
Where are my flapjacks? Huh? You will recall, last night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my legs, I spake thusly, "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks." It was a simple message, yet it has gone unheeded.
So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.
(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay.
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? No, Dad. He's lying. There's no doubt about that.
Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.
Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!
What exactly are you looking for? According to my schematics, it should be right in here. Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that.
I love Wings.
(INAUDIBLE)
It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins.
Looks like you ran over him, Lois. Oh, no! He's unconscious! Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up! Yeah, but... What? Let's put a hat on him to cover the wound, and then let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids and find a way to pin this on someone else. I love you so much right now. Let's go to the hospital.
Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?
Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit?
Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it. You saved my life.
(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!
what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.
For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!
What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...
(STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS) No!
You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?
Shut up, Joe. Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink. What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom.
Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine.
That was so sweet. It was wicked awesomE.
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me.
You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)
(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better!
Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words.
This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them.
Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.
Worse than when I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.
Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear I'll love you for all time I'm just a fool
You can have me. (GIGGLING)
(GIGGLING)
Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us?
(ALL SINGING) Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?
And meanwhile, you're spending half our money down at the General Store, and the other half at the Specific Store. Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds? Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.
PETER: Of course, back then,
"Whore"?
What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to!
Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
feet
Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing?
Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.
He was a little Iraqi street kid. I'd befriended him a few months earlier. Couldn't have been more than 12 years old. I taught him how to crack wise, American style. (ALL SCREAMING) I guess that store's having a fire sale. (LAUGHS) KEVIN: I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age.
What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.
Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.
Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly. Channel Five News has file footage of pills being sorted. Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common.
Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?
I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing Just take it off
Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.
I was born in 1987.
Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You're a happy guy when you plant the seed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed!
You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)
I wonder what this thing is for.
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus. There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.
Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.
My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.
That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin.
You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.
You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek. And initial here...
(RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations. Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping?
We're finished. We're never gonna get home. We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again. You got your pal Stewie. Great.
Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.
Sir, we've got a man down. Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something. Shoot me.
And the French guy says, "Deodorant? What's that?" All right. All right. I've got one. I've got one, um, Ok, 2 men are standing at the Pearly Gates. Oh, God, wait! How did that one go? oh, well, Anyway, it turns out they're Siegfried and Roy. I'm no good at telling jokes.
Chris, your father and I are very upset by this new attitude of yours.
Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her. Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance.
(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off!
Fuck!
So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.
But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...
Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy! Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign. (ALL CLAMORING) PETER: He did, too! I saw the picture! STEWIE: Don't touch me.
- Hello? - Hi, Mom. - Chris, are you all right? - Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay! - Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time.
Hey, dog, let's go. My dad won you fair and square. You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun?
Whoa! That sounds awesome. No, it's lame. Everything's lame. Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in. I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts. Wow! Oh, my God!
Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses.
that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it? Yeah, that's the joke. Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here!
(GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first, did you actually sit in the water or was that...
There is one thing, though, and I'm sorry about this, but your room's not ready till 4:00. So feel free to use our business center, or enjoy the pool. (KIDS LAUGHING) Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it!
"I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...
Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out! Yeah! Yeah! Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it! Yeah! Yeah! And sometimes walking out onto a dry plain or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then! - Yeah. - Yeah. What?
Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant? Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant... just to sit around and do whatever you want. Wow! Imagine what a genius like me could do with all that money.
Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us
We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
(STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SOBBING) We broke up.
This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris.
Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover.
Oh, My, look at all the damage. Oh, Thank God the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact.
Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast.
Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn. Isn't that cool? No. I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like. My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty. Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76. Let's burn this chick at the stake.
Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.
I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you? Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. Ah, So much rug burn! Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon.
Somebody burned down Jerome's house last night. This whacked-out world! It just makes you want to grab your nephew and get in a van and shoot people in the DC area. Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him! And no one would blame you.
Hey, Meg. Hi, Connie.
(GASPING) What?
After him!
(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No.
Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts!
(DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.
You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian. Tell me why Sorry, that was the booze, not you.
(GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie. You're acting crazy out there, man.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go.
God, I hate dogs. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yeah. They're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards. I'm just not really a dog person, I guess.
WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning.
And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)
I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him, and no one would be gay. Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo.
Are you gonna take that? Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. They're aliens! HEy, That was great, PeteR. Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes!
Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane. Maybe getting more attention from strangers. Have either of you guys been listening to me?
Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more.
(GRUNTING) My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that?
You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in. Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it.
Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate? Like I told you before, kid, I can't book you without Olivia. B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking?
Peter, dinner! No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie.
At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.
I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har. Wh--
Release the dogs. (DOGS BARKING)
Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck.
- You want me to wipe your ass, too? - 0h, that's a helpful tone.
No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax. No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me! Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh? Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING)
(SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned!
Brian, going back in time ruined my life. We've got to get Death to send us back to 1984 again, so I can undo what I did. Or we could just make the best of this. Al Gore is President. We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.
(GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?
Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends. That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social.
Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny,
Hey. Hey, Consuela, no cleaning.
And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole.
Peter, what the hell is the matter with you?
My principal wants to meet with you guys. Should we go? It sounds like a trap. Yes, Peter, we should go. All right, but if it's a trap, and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time. Any more bright ideas, Professor? (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Steak and eggs and eggs and steak That's what you should have for breakfast Delicious Steak and eggs and eggs and steak Just making sure you heard I got it
Peter used to be so passionate. Suddenly, he just doesn't seem very interested in me anymore. Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter. You deserve a gentleman. Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay. It's just my penis.
Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter to Penthouse Forum,
Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad.
(MILEY ROARING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GROWLING) (ROARING) (GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus,
Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning?
Over my burnt carcass. (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, shut up-a with the noise-a. Hey, shut up-a with the shut up-a. You shut up-a with the shut up-a. Shut up-a your face. Now-a my dog-a won't shut up-a. Why you no shut up-a? I'll make-a you shut up-a. You, too, shut up-a.
Oh, there you are. Hurry up now, Bonnie. We're gonna miss our plane. Lois, I've thought a lot about this, and I'm not going with you. What? What do you mean? I'm staying here with Francois. I see. You know, I thought you might say something like this, and that's why I called someone who might be able to change your mind.
Coffee for Brent. (CHUCKLING) Latte for Cecil. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.
I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00. if you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00. I can't believe this!
Hey, you know what we should do? We should go just as a goof. That'd be hilarious. Yeah, just look at all the idiots. All the dumb ass Manilow fans. Yeah.
Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers. Well, game night was a success. Peter, you do know that all your questions were incredibly easy. Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons.
And then think about this, have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? undefinedThey're the same person. " know, right? You're brilliant.
We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.
All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
"Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!
when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related. Anyway, I thought him sharing that beer with me was the coolest thing ever.
My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials. (TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.
Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
(LAUGHING) Damn it! (QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING) Stop it, you guys! You're ruining all my clothes! (POLICE SIREN WAILS) Can I see your driver's license and registration, please? Is there a problem, Officer?
I told Carstairs you'd set everything straight. What do you mean I'm broke? What about all that money I sent to the Gayman Islands? They did what with it? No, I don't want it back! Lois, give him the ring. What? No! Give him the ring, Lois, I swear to God, I'll cut your finger off. Oh, you beast! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs.
To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one.
What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm... God! Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Ice now, heat later. I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire?
Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck! All right, this is ridiculous. I need some help here. Hey, Quagmire? QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter.
I can't believe this. She keeps getting up. I'm so exhausted. (CROWD GASPING) (BELL DINGS) And the winner, by technical knockout, weighing in at 67 pounds, Carol "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" Channing. Yeah. Up yours, young people.
Chris, beer!
Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction. But, Dad... Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final.
There, now that I've got your attention, you're all fired.
(GROANING) Bitch.
Okay, guys, let's go. Tom Brady is a quarterback. Okay, heads up, two down. College football is on Saturday. Okay, come on, look alive. NBA players are predominantly black. Oh, hi, Lois. What are you doing here? I'm filling in for Peter. He's sick. All right, finally a little harpoon in the bowling alley.
Stewie, what are you doing here?
No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy. Jeez! You should know that, Joe! You should definitely know that! Sorry, Peter. Sorry doesn't show me nipples worth seeing! And as for you, Anna, you're dreadful and so is the program. I didn't write it. Yeah, but you know the people who do. That Alan Ball, you know him, right?
I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer. In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.
I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart.
Joyce DeWitt?
Who else isn't real, hmm? You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist?
A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here.
Aw, they got tuckered out.
Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!
- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING)
Wrong floor. Stormtrooper church. And do you, Allen, take Judith to be your lawfully wedded wife till death or a giant explosion do you part?
Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad. (PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty.
Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license.
You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.
(FARTING) Who's there?
...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless.
(ROARING)
Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!
A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Now, here's something, here's something. Did you hear about this?
Bring it on!
Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go
Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense. Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair. Look, Lois, it's in the Bible. What's in the Bible? I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage!
Hey, you heard of a man named Mickey McFinnegan? Have I heard of him? Of course I've heard of him. He's the town drunk. Town drunk? Oh, my God. You mean, he's the disgrace of the whole town? You lads aren't from around here, are you? Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS)
Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man. Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings?
You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?
Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida.
Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!
Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. (YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert.
Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!
You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough.
So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay!
Shut up and let's do it! (LOIS) Oh, Peter! (PETER) Yes! Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein. Oh, ha-ha!
Spoiler alert.
Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots!
No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.
who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.
Chris, would you like to read your personal essay? Okay, Mrs. Donovan. "Following Mrs. Donovan" by Chris Griffin.
I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up. So, you can just rot out here, Brian. Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole? James Woods did it. Hey, where'd you get the clothes? I always keep a spare at Quagmire's. I got to tell you, though, there was some weird stuff going on over there today.
So far, you've failed everything, including the "Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test. No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.
But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please.
It's me, John Wayne.
Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma!
(GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.
Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee. Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices. But that's my dad. What's more important to you, your job or your family?
Then Brian comes in
Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket.
My legs!
I have AIDS.
"Lady Thiang, if he needs me,
My goodness! A human thumb.
- Hello. - That's not funny!
you know, you know, come on
He rocks in the treetop all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song All the little birds on Jaybird Street Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet
(LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls. Just like... Just like Sharon Stone. You beat me to it.
Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch.
Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING) What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet?
I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys. It's also about just being there for the people you love. Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.
Mom, am I going to fit in the seat or is this going to be like last time? This should tide you over for a while. I'll come back as soon as I can. Mmm. She's not coming back, you know. How do you know that? 'Cause she's my mom, too.
PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye.
Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either.
Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck! All right. Our goal here is to gain a command of the English language.
Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow.
undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.
And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list
Well, come on, everyone, let's get started. (STEWIE SHIVERING) Brian, I'm not sure I can do this. It's chillier out here than Angelina Jolie. Something like that. I don't know, I'm so cold.
What kind of jerk would drive one of those? Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby!
Thank you, Glenn. Yeah, Lois. I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask. You guys! Okay, easy, fellas. Lois, I'd like to make a caramel-colored baby with you. Take it easy, Cleveland. Take your jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off. All right. All right. That's it. That's enough.
Fuck you!
Look, Mort was in trouble. We were just trying to help him out. Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe. You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company.
All through the town (VOCALIZING)
Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me,
All right, class, today's final exam will consist of two parts, oral and anal.
Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.
Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better.
Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch. So, have you seen Ghostbusters? Save your breath, geekwad. I'm here with my boyfriend.
Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me!
(EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that?
Road House.
You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now.
Wakey, wakey. KIDS: Good morning, Mother Maggie. Huh, who's this? I like this lady.
"E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17.
My anklE!
I was kind of right.
MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy?
Citizens of Ouahog, we have a problem! You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair! Settle down, Jeffrey! Justin. Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before. And they can be stopped! You can't stop us, Mayor West!
When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting! Dad, I've been worried sick. Where have you been?
I just spent most of the time testing Chris to see if he's autistic. (WAILING) Not overly affectionate.
Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba!
I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think.
Fuck you.
Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland! Y-You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened!
Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled. Oh no, Peter, how could they do that? Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane,
It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time.
Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it. This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face.
Let's take a blood sample, Mr. Braga. If instead of human blood, you find a deadly corrosive acid, you've got a gay. Not this time, nancy-boy.
Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.
They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator. Ah, I'm hungry. What do we got? Let's see. Eye drops, baking soda and some film. OLD MAN: Close the door. You're running up long distance charges! (DOOR BELL RINGS) Ah, sorry. Thought I had more time. Hi, Daddy. Stewie's all ready. You boys have fun. There's my little guy.
BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?
"El guilto." "Guilty." "Guilty." This one's just a squiggly line. That's "guilty" in Latin. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl. "Guilty." "Not guilty." (ARGUING)
(ALL SCREAM) What the hell?
The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase,
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.
That tastes better than a guy's penis, I tell you. (LAUGHS) Now I know that was a joke! (CHUCKLING) Whatever. Mom, can I be excused? I want to go eat the rest of my food up in my room. Sure, Meg, if you want.
Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull?
If we praise Jesus by singing all together It makes this whole exercise seem less bizarre
So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks. Oh, my God! They're eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. That's crazy. They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
A much better idea than when I did magic for the blind.
That son of a bitch.
Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca.
(MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those!
Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.
Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)
Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, edited for goats.
It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...
I have a room. You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now... you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, you know, that's something to think about. Just burped.
Lois makes me take the rap 'cause our checkbook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (CROWD CHEERING) (LA CUCARACHA PLAYING)
Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. Yeah.
And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.
A ha! Hold my purse! What's Mom doing? I'll tell you what she's doing. She's screwing up my 6-2 quinella. Damn it! My Nose in front, followed by Sea Biscuit, followed by Some Crazy Lady, followed by Middle-Aged Housewife, followed by Wait a minute, Who's That?,
Wait, you're not gonna go, are you? It's clearly some kind of scam. Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel. Oh, not the kennel. Last time you left me there for an hour. Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state.
CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there. Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan,
My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! Randy!
This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat.
I was about to bone my girlfriend, out at the lake, but suddenly, she yelled, so I looked up and it was Bigfoot. So, what happened next? Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.
Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.
in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco! Good God! Look at the fat man's underwear.
Not today, Joemama. I'm going off to find a log to build a drum, so I can play the opening part from Hot For Teacher. I'll see you guys later. Coming up in this half hour, flies on your face: how many is too many? But first, that orange thing in the sky and what you can do to please it.
Oh, Midge, you're my 3rd best friend in the whole world. 3rd? Who are the first 2? Ben and Jerry. Lifetime, television for idiots.
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie."
$100 million!
I got to say, you look greaT. Are you trying to seduce me-- Mr. Tucker? I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look greaT. Uh-oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan!
I think I can get on board with that. (BOTH LAUGHING) (KICKING) Road House. Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House.
Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department. Ah, Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing. Hey, fellas. Wow! Ted Turner! I told you guys not to invite him. Oh, He must've followed us. Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what?
I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?
Oh, look, they got a translation for white people.
It tastes pretty good to--whoa! Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? must be the beer! Hey, Hey, check this out. And look at this. Oh, yeah? Watch this. Oh, my God! Relax, Brian, It's just a trick. See?
(ARTOO SCREAMING) Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?
God, I hate PBS. ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil, and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year.
Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.
ohh! Life is sweet!
What the hell you looking at?
You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy...
MAN ON TV: We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders. (SOBBING) I don't know how it got like this! Dad, Mom, there's something I want to ask you.
Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!
Peter, may I use your restroom? I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort. Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!
Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING)
I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26!
WOMAN: I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. MAN: I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. MAN 2: We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?
I could get you a lot more work if you sign with my agency. Really? Oh, my God! How exciting. Well, here's my card. Give me a call. Now, perhaps some young gentleman would like to light me up. Allow me. So, what's going on?
Come on, get up! Knock off your napping It's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen There's a chair that freakin' talks! Hey look! There's some fish that give advice Holy crap! It's screwy In Peter's Playhouse
yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me
He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.
Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!
That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick.
Michael Eisner. Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)
(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.
- Megan! - Aah!
Oh, Pervert! Oh, Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.
All right, getting a tooth to lure that damn fairy back shouldn't be too difficult. (SNORING)
I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.
Seven. Seven prostitutes. This is a shakedown. Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work. Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out. So, in conclusion, Peter Griffin, you've inspired me... to distrust all mentally challenged parents.
and the one gay soldier awkwardly avoiding the use of pronouns. Man, I sure miss my sweetheart back home. I can't wait to get back to that person. Chow time, boys. Yes, sir, Sergeant Major General Captain! Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. Call me Major General Captain. Now you eat up.
No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday. What do you say, neighbor? Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!
Poor kid.
you passive-aggressive bitch. Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?
And little Stewie here is our President of Poopie.
Here's your martini, ma'am. Thanks. It's gone! I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one. What the hell is going on here? Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive. Did you bring enough breasts for the rest of the class?
What? What? What the devil?
Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!
We'll be as out of place there as a black guy in Sweden.
(DISTORTED) Miley smash! (ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this. Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner. Run!
And Halloween's got to be the worst night of the year to be a cop. All you do is drive around, confiscate beer from teenagers and occasionally handcuff a drunk woman in a sexy costume.
(HUMMING THEME FROM THE ROCKFORD FILES)
oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!
Honey, would you look at all these kikes. Okay, before we get started, I have an announcement from headquarters. "No more shorts." And this isn't coming from me, this is management.
So, it's really over, huh? After all these years? I'm afraid so. But let's be honest, Peter. Bonnie and I seem to have grown apart. Boy, I never would have seen this day coming when we first met. Africa by Toto was playing.
What the hell was that?
where it just cut to black in mid...
Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!
- Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then. - Don't know any better. - Bless your heart. Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded. You're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.
I'm not picking up your poop!
(CHATTERING) Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin? (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Wow. There are all kind of manner of crazy monsters in here. Yeah, and they added even more for the special edition.
But if you work the program every day, you'll find results. God, you sound like a robot. Brian, AA is the only way out for these people. Millions are saved every year by the program. Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA. Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion.
(STRAINING) Shut up, Meg. (ALL GASP) I don't believe it! Peter, you talked! Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg.
No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!
Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on!
All right, lay down.
Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.
You are no longer welcome in my house! What you talking about, Peter? (LAUGHS) But you can't have sex with Lois! Now, I want you out of here right now! (SIGHS) I can't believe this. I thought I found a true friend in you. I'd never do anything to hurt you or your family. Now you're breaking my heart.
So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers? I don't use makeup, Meg. Of course you don't. You're all natural. Man, your dad must be proud! Actually, my dad passed away four years ago. Yeah, yeah, he did. He sure did.
(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.
So, don't misbehave or the human catcher will come after you, Gabe. My name's not Gabe! (SCREAMING) You're in big trouble, you little crap! You shouldn't have done that, little fellow. You just earned yourself a trip to the pound! Who the hell do you think you are?
Now, Brian, I know this is a bad time for you. And If I have any advice to give you, it is this. Grow a beard. Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing. Beards are so ugly. Hey! Oh, Relax, Woolly Willy. There's lots of fun things you can do with that. There we go. Thanks!
Boy, I sure hope they find him.
But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming. This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy.
Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap!
Wait. So, Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't? Right. Great. Put your wig on.
I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live. They also get food, cake,
Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi. What did you just call me? I--i--I thought that was your name. That is our word! You've got no right using it! Hey--hey--hey, I'm cool. I'm cool. No problem. Could--Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? Thank you.
Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back,
Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink. You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.
Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire.
Wait a second, Rosie, I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in 5 seconds? - What is this? - 4 seconds. - Is thaT-- - 3 seconds. - It smells like-- - Clean my pee! Mom, I can't clean. I got stuff to do. Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do.
Peter, You got A little something right here. Where? here? No. Other side. - O-Over here? - The left side. R-Right here? Your other left side. - Oh. - Up a little. - Do I have it? - Up a little. - Is it gone? - Now go down. Ahh! Is it gone? get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Peter, hold still! hold still! Wait, Don't touch that bird!
Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh. Oh. uh. Ooh. ah.
This isn't The Price Is Right. You said we were going to The Price Is Right. Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom,
You know, the only thing that was holding me back even a little is knowing how much Lois is gonna milk this.
(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule! Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey.
What am I gonna do now? Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk. I guess wanting it more than anyone just wasn't enough. H-hey, You guys, it's a fake.
You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show. Lois, honey, I love you but you're sucking all the energy out of the room. Come.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fouad. (FOUAD LAUGHING) So, without further dudes, let's watch this thing.
Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family. That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog... ...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.
Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note. Wh-What about Amelia? She saw everything? You leave her to me.
(SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!
I forgot my purse.
(WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING) See? Chris, turn that off. We have a lot of work to do before we go inside. (RADIO SWITCHING OFF) All right. If I'm gonna be seen with you, we have to do something about that look. Now, take that hat off. (BAT SCREECHING) Oh, God! Your hair's all combed. Here. Let me fix that.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying?
What the hell?
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Look, I may have been a little rash. Our ratings have dropped 50%. Whatever suggestions you have, I'll listen.
I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop.
Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
(CHUCKLES) He's too big for that car.
He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
(THUDS) - Peter! Oh, my God! Dad! PETER: It's okay! There's a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushioned my fall! Do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack?
And, you know, I'm not talking about purpose in the shallow, Rick Warren, over-the-counter self-help variety because that's just delusion. That's not real. I mean, is there ever a time when we're truly in the present moment and not looking toward the past or the future? I mean right there, in the moment? I get that way when I watch Handy Manny.
Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)
I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address. Let's see. "Aspen, Colorado." Well, you can forget that. We're not going all the way to Aspen. What? But I can't leave Rupert to perish. For the rest of my life, I'll be as lonely as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, after the rapture.
I know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, try.
We were married.
Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello, Alan Rickman. It's Alan Rickman reminding you to move the pork chops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they defrost properly. Do not disappoint me.
Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly
Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!
We'd take a bullet just for you oh, What a coincidence. I've got one. Stewie!
All right, let's park right there in that cave. What are you doing? You can't park there. You're not handicapped. I have vertigo. It's a real medical condition. I'm just going on record as saying I'm not comfortable with this.
The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen. Really? Oh boy, that's a relief. Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!
Nice to see you, Jabba. (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
This is my first Halloween, and... And it's ruined. All right, all right, fine. We'll look for them. Good, because so far, Halloween's a bigger letdown than being a Mets fan. ANNOUNCER: Opening day, and here's the first pitch. And the season's over.
Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom.
Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!
And we're back. Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter? I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. To what? To the poison you just drank. See what I mean?
Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR. Let's go throw up. - Sure! - Good idea! Hey, I love throwing up.
All right, Fox News auditions, take one. Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories. Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories!
God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance.
I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland.
Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry. You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli. It's like an Irish bar fight down there.
I am so bored. Hey, dog, when you take a break from re-applying your lipstick, how about taking me to the park? My lipstick? What?
Another train!
Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy.
Here's a song by a gay guy. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
No, I won't. I'm so fat and gross.
Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery.
He is a burden of the state, deemed unfit for mainstream society. He is your superior. What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it. He bit me!
Look what you did, you jackass!
Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section.
Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses. I got to put in my contacts.
Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Look, sir, droids. Look, a penny. Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.
So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)
Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts rainbows, springtime is That Guy He's tinsel on a tree He's everything
Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)
(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox.
Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)
Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick.
(PANTING) Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them! I'm trying, sir. You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack, or this entire platoon is gonna scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes.
Look, it's me, all right. He got the idea from me. Brian, what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't do it on purpose. And before you fly off the handle, you may want to think about it. The kid's obviously confused. This might be good for him. People do crazy things when they're confused. Like the time my agent dropped that bomb on me. No one in this town will hire you. Oh, yeah?
I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry. You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli. It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food?
Is this your card? I don't know.
I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living, and they pray for death, but death won't come. U.P.N.? You're funny. I like you, Chris.
Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.
He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"
I love slumber parties!
I've been expecting you, A.N.N.A. ALlow me to introduce my Siamese children. I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy.
Well You're one to talk! You've been stuffing your diaper since day one!
You've got the AIDS
I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life? Okay, Charmese, here we go. Are you sure you want to watch this? I'm just warning you, you're in the splash zone. If I get anything out, I'll be happy.
but she was born on a drowning week, so, you know. (SNEEZES) Oh, look at that, there's hardly any blood.
Who the hell do you think you are?
(BIRDS CHIRPING) Oh, this is one fine day to be nude Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude
If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?
- From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots. Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache? That was Roy, he's hilarious. Was this a cartoon? No... Oh, my God! No! No! It took place in an airport!
There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.
There aren't a million of those already. Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean,
It seems foolish to have all this money lying around. Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? (LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right! (WOLF-WHISTLING) Money! Whoo-hoo! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy. All right. Call me when you blow all your money. Love you, bye. (CARTER HANGS UP) All right, so how are we going to spend our winnings?
At least they know how to touch a man.
Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive Iraq lobster Iraq lobster
Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...
One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me....
You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.
So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing?
You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee.
Okay, but be careful. There's some snow monsters out there. Relax, Han, I'll be careful... (SCREAMING) Cookie!
I had so much fun last night, Brian. Hey, I thought maybe we can go get some coffee later. I don't think so. Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? - Who's a good boy? - Me. Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy. But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry.
Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing.
You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money?
Hey, Brian. What's up? Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter. Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short.
I have no idea.
(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!
Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.
I can't do it. I can't do it. Get the lotion. Put the lotion on me. Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like. Never mind. I'll come back later.
Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.
Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard!
Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no!
I still don't understand why you got to go all the way to Hollywood. Because I know Tom Tucker could be a great actor, and I'm gonna help him make it happen. You see, everybody needs just one person to believe in their dreams so they can spread their wings and fly. Dad, can I have money for dance classes? Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. I'd pay to see you not dance.
Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who.
And this is the kitchen. We've got all kinds of snacks and cold drinks in here. I don't see the refrigerator. Oh, we just use Ann Coulter's vagina. Hmm... There's never anything good in here.
Ok, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Wait a second. Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar. And there's a naked priest sitting there. And he... Oh, sorry, Father. No, I've heard them all.
And they hurt when he jogs And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of Hot dogs
(SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.
Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
Now rev your engine twice. Ok. Go!
First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!
from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family.
I don't know. It's always the same thing. Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box,
What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.
Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!
Take it easy, Peter.
You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.
- We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal. (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING)
Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks-- Hey, what are you guys talking about? I was just telling a joke. So, the bartender looks around and says: "What'll you two fine gentlemen have?"
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Sunday afternoon movie, Masturbator and Commander.
Hi. (GIGGLING)
Spencer, I am so over your selfishness. What do you want? I came out to Hollywood. I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind! So, why don't you think before you say things for a fucking change?
Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)
Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion.
Damn it. (LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.
No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil.
What? That whore!
"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."
Sodomy
What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.
Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
Whoa! These are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on!
Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time. So you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver. My own driver? Holy crap, that's awesome. Where is he? She's right here, Peter. Meg? Yeah, Dad. I don't mind driving you around till you get your license back. What? Lois, this is the best you could do?
I told you not until you sing.
Jim. Your name is Jim. Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive?
Hi. I was gonna catch The Big Bang Theory tonight,
Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter.
There's right, there's wrong... And somewhere in between, there's life. You folks have a good day. I never forgot what you did. Well, thanks for coming, you guys. You know what you were doing that day, Dad? You were breaking the law.
And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)
There's the white kid With the baggy clothes Who's talking like he's black The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist
John Williams! Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. (PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)
Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.
I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp? SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom! Not now! Okay.
Ow! Ow! What was the point of all that? All it does is shoot you. It doesn't make breakfast at all.
Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats!
(ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...triple-dog-dare. (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)
Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.
fire engine. Oh, really? But I was enjoying our talk. Oh, no, I... So was I, but, you know, I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown.
Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.
We must be in Leonardo da Vinci's studio.
What are you doing here? Loretta's mom was hankering For a snack, so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits. Cleveland! I mean Cheezits. Did Peter give you a clue for me? Peter? He's down at Barrington with Brian and Quagmire. He's golfing on our anniversary?
Now I've had the time of my life And I owe it all to you
or are you and the critics busy yanking each other off right now?
What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room.
My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this.
I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone. I love the trombone!
Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread.
I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.
Stewie, there you are. Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here.
Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!
(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind?
Oh, my God! I am so, so sorry.
Because Christmastime is killing us
Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down? We're having my son's birthday party over here. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, honey. What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!
It is real!
Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy! That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A-- (AnnOunceR) Chris Tucker and Jim ca-cazeve-cave...
but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat--
Fuck you guys!
King me.
Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. Piss off, you perverted old freak! Oh, we got a fighter.
No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.
Twice as tall as me, 3 times the girth Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat
If you'll turn to Page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, which I can tell are... Okay, okay. Yeah, all right. You know what? I'm in a meeting. I'll call you back. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. So, what are we talking about here? Well, before you... (PHONE RINGING) Oh, I'm sorry. F, what's up? No, no. I can talk.
CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die! (GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS)
And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude Peter, my boy Yes You're sweet as chocolate cake You bring me joy And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do
Glen, Thank you for being such a good friend and looking after me like this. Ha! No problem. It's kinda chilly out, so I brought you a jacket. Oh, No, thanks. I'll be fine. Please? Peter, Muriel and I both feel that you need to follow your therapist's advice and start dating.
and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine. Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? James Taylor. Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks.
But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! So, uh, what are you wearing?
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke.
Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched.
(GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING)
Ok, so on the count to 3, you try to push me out of the ring, I try to push you out of the ring. Ok? Ready? 1, 2, 3! ow. What--What the hell? What the hell? Brian, I'm sorry--
It stops now, Meg!
Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer?
Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.
Giggity. Oh, I say that. Well, the DNA test results are back. This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire. What am I supposed to do? I don't want a baby.
So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?
Wow, it's so obvious. Thanks, Daddy. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom. WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!
Well, I think you're doing a great job, Mrs. Griffin, but my boss would kill me. How's everything going out here? Fine, Mr. Voorhees. Good. 'Cause if you screw up, I'll kill you. Hi, Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.
There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon. You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay.
Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
Why, I feel like I'm on the deck of the qE ii.
"'He ripped off her lab coat and she grabbed his metallic extension.'
Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune?
I know the feeling. It's how I feel when I burp really loud in an underground parking structure to assert my dominance. (BURPING LOUDLY) Says the king.
Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple. Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)
And Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. It's ok. Take your time. Then what happened? He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!
(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute.
You're an idiot.
God's man-boobs are flabby And they hurt when he jogs And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of
MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)
Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible!
That's a sex tape I made with my wife.
And you do
Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.
I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.
I don't want to talk to you. Get out!
Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run! Joe? It's Peter. Two things.
No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!
Go on, buds drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me
Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want,
(BRIAN RUNNING) Joe, I gotta tell you. This whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. When do we get to shoot some bad guys? Guys, it's not all about action.
Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven? Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated. You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now!
- Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter. One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs. You suck! Get off the stage! What do we do? I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here.
Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.
So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie. Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home! Oh, my God. That is hilarious.
We set a cap, you jerk. Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch? Peter, what are you angry about? You get to go on a cruise with me. What? What? Well, yeah, you didn't think Brian meant for me to go with him, did you? Great. This was a bigger waste of time than Ringo's songwriting.
I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up. So, you can just rot out here, Brian. Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole? James Woods did it. Hey, where'd you get the clothes?
Well, it wasn't me!
That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen. And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.
I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover. I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole.
Well, not so good.
Oh, God. An angry mob. I've got to swallow all my valuables and get out of here.
Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice.
You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!
you've gained some weight recently. It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.
$780. $781. ...you!
No, Ida. (GASPS) (RETCHING) (LOUD GROAN)
We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy
Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
Hurry up. We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close.
I really enjoy being with you, Ross.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to How I Met Your Father. Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married.
(GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know. You idiot! This is your fault. My fault? You were the one chasing me. You were the one reading my diary. LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right?
All right. Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh... Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh...
Honey, are you pregnant?
That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.
We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me.
Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. " feel like such a bastard. Me, too. For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better. Thank you. But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right. Girls! Girls! Girls!
I'm Dr. Goodman of the quahog Ornithological Society ironically dining in a restaurant that exclusively serves poultry. Doctor, what is this? Oh, It's a very rare species. The endangered White-Rumped Swallow. "Rump." This isn't funny, Chris! "Swallow." Look, Just get rid of this bird, all right?
Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank.
(CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!
how can you possibly have a 13-year-old son when you yourself are only seven? Well, those are dog years. That doesn't make any sense. You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the Internet and complain.
(BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex?
Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.
What a bitch. Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom.
We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night? Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. Oh, man, As soon as We got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. - Shut the smurf up! - Yeah! Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it. - That is freaking smurf. - Yeah.
Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad to you, young lady. Oh, God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do,
Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House.
Bird's the word Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well, don't you know about the bird?
Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it.
PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Huh? Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate.
Peter Griffin, certified C.P.R. Don't anyone panic! What the hell are you doing? Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No! What the hell is wrong with you? I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow!
All right. I made a touchdown. - Griffin, you're fired! - For what?
Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car.
No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!
The Park Barrington is already attracting some big names. Such as Christianity enthusiast Mel Gibson, who has his own room on permanent reserve. A room which he barely uses. Barely uses, huh? Lois, I just got an idea!
Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!
i wanna be with you night and day oh, Peter! Our song! Happy anniversary, Lois.
Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW PLAYING) And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.
I'd be happy to. Really? (GIGGLES) That'd be great. Cool, cool. I'll follow you in my car. (WHISPERING) Come on. We're going. All right, hold on. Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for? So you can fuck dogs?
good-bye good-bye good-bye
Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.
It's a do-nothing job, sweetcakE.
What is your problem, Snoopy? Look, what it comes down to is that these false promises of, like, a quick fix to any and any problem that you would ever have, what books like these suggest is actually damaging to a large, gullible segment of the population.
And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go right, B, up, dodge, left, uppercut... (CHUCKLES) Listen to me telling you how to play the game.
Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle.
What? (STAMMERING) But I told them they didn't know what they were talking about. Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself. And then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn. I love you, too, insane-woman-I'm-having- second-thoughts-about. What? All right.
Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?
To be so big That's proof he must be A big, fat Heeb God's real flabby With an ass so wide
You can't tell me what to do.
Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again. Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.
Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.
Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.
I say, look at this. This toy has small parts. Why the devil would they include small parts? Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up. (GROANS) Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. Dude, you're lucky.
because now she's dodged the bullet of being in a relationship with a loser like you. Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're like a black woman in hindsight. I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you?
Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High.
What are you talkin' about? I'm better than him at everything. You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.
(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right.
Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty. I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign,
OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already?
- Say "ruined." - Ru-ined.
(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.
I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group, when they all converged on the scene. I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom.
Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success.
Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one. Sweetie? You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L"
As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor. Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all.
No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change.
I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school. Heh, Nothing happened. No--No. I mean that bird just came to Meg when she whistled. Oh. No, those are just my bird calls. Do it again! Do it again! Yeah? Well, what did you want? Uh... You called me, right?
I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.
(CHORTLES) Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined. (LAUGHING) Oh, really? Well, I'm sure a brief call to my accountant will resolve this to our mutual satisfaction. (DIALING) Hello, Schnozzenstein? This is Peter Griffin. There seems to be some issue with our credit.
How's your stewed fox quail, my dear?
Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it! The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.
Hi. Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine. Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans.
That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby.
Come on! Oh! Wait a second. Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush! Don't tell my dad. Rush, you're not giving him sweets, are you? God damn it. What's the harm? He's going to be pooping all over his Spider-Man sheets and I'm the one who's going to have to deal with it. Hey there, Rush. How you doing?
JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?
Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE?
Time to lose some weight, dearie.
Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton!
We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon. Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. Oh, there's the cute prom couple. Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon?
(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends? There's so many questions left unanswered. Are you Luke Skywalker? Yeah. I've got something for you. A letter.
Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch.
Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.
Wow, Jesus Christ at our dinner table. I still can't get over it. I'm actually glad you're all here tonight. I want to tell you that one of you will betray me. (LAUGHING) Just kidding! (LAUGHS) He's doing that thing he did in the storybook. So, Jesus, finish that story you were telling us.
A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet
Of a once raging fire
You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.
And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here. STEWIE: Did you see that, Rupert? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News.
Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy
Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?
Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters. l'm Dan Rather.
Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful,
(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death!
I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox.
FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72. Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!
Looks like he's gonna have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's going to have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and A tiny comb, Mr. Griffin. Congratulations. You've passed the 4th grade, Mr. Griffin. Aw, Great. Listen, I gotta leave, though. I'm going huntin' with my son.
(DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...
No!
Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case. Oh, it's all right, Peter, I know it's tough for you to work with your hand injury. Hey, you know, with you sitting there, it's kind of like you're my secretary. Well, let's not get carried away, Peter. Now please, I'm trying to finish your work. You know, Lois, if I'm your boss, I got to look like a boss.
Oh, you beast!
I... I... I love you. I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...
I'm a family guy!
What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?
(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No!
This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh.
That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech. But, Peter, what about your son?
Well, it's either that or go into the strawberry fields. Hey, you know what I'm getting into? Is one-legged chicks. Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg? That'll be enough of that, lad. How about Eileen? Ringo got it.
Get out your ring. Peter, that's not-- Come on! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of steam! Peter, we got these in a box of FrankenBerry.
Don't you love me?
So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose. Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight.
You know what you did.
Okay, listen up. everybody. I got great news. Meg, you and your family are gonna perform on Saturday Night Live. You mean I'm gonna get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner... and Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley, and Horatio Sanz? Sweet!
My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja
What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.
Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.
Hello. And welcome to Diane! Today's guest is tired of being embarrassed by her family. Meg, how did you get these tickets again? Let's bring them up right now. Meg, Whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy-- The Griffin family! Suckers.
I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food.
Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three? Yep. One, two... One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no!
What the fuck?
HEy, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
Fresh pepper? Yes, thank you. Oh, that's plenty, thanks. None for me, thanks. My boyfriend just dumped me. There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Thanks! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Brian! You did it!
Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting!
All right, Stewie. Your dad's gonna help you learn how to be a man. Real men have a couple of beers and then project their inadequacies on their kids. - Okay. - What's that? You think you're better than me? What? No. I didn't say that. So I guess you think you would have been some kind of big shot by my age, huh? Done things differently? Gotten that promotion? I don't even know what you do. Well, let me tell you something!
Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that. Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.
Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade," as it's pronounced, Brian,
CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... (BELCHES) (ALIEN SNORING)
I'm just trying to join in. Yeah, you don't know what you're talking about, okay? You sound like... That's not fair. I think I'm doing pretty... No, you don't know the characters, Brian. You don't know the characters. If you could hear yourself right now, you would not stop throwing up. You can't just put He-Man in Transformers' world, all right? He wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia, and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension.
Land mines? Land mines. It was land mines.
Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?
Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh!
Don't yell at your motheR!
I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.
Show me your school spirit! (INHALES) The players will remember this while they're playing.
I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
(GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch. (CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter.
WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning. - FM. - Cool. WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning. On 97.1. 97.1.
Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!
That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself! I'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol,
Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here....
(LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen. Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.
Peter, don't! God, your hands are like ice! Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter.
My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter.
Gosh, thanks.
And I don't think you've got the grapes!
(TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!
Yeah. I mean, it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But you got to believe that it's there. Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. QUAGMIRE: That's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.
You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough.
I'm at the wrong airport.
Hi, Joseph
(FARTING) Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God!
No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys? How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things? Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this,
Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?
Hey, I need you to take me to New York for the opening night of my play. (SCOFFS) No way. Besides, I checked, and there's no play by Stewie Griffin opening in New York. I submitted it under a pseudonym. They think it was written by Tony Dovolani. I thought your pseudonym was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower. That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car.
and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.
Ni hao, Stewie.
Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up.
You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys.
Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness. This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed.
I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph. Obviously, she had something to do with the gag, but I didn't hear the setup, so I don't really know the context... Hey, I wonder what Peter's up to!
I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this. - You're still my little buddy, right? - Yeah. Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom. - Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois. - Goodnight. Peter, this is a little strange. No stranger than when Darth Vader was a meter maid.
Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again!
That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!
Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money!
Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down!
(GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING) (CRYING)
Hey, Stewie, what are you doing? Well, Brian, in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought, "Why not go back in time "to that Summer of Love in the '60s "that everyone's always talking about?" Oh, cool. Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid? I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you. Very bad dog. (CRACKLING)
This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.
DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight.
I kn--I know. There's nothing-- Nothing to, um... To, uh... Um... Oh. Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"!
Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.
You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
That just makes me want you more, you know? Come on, man. Let's just... Let's just go nuts. Let's just... No, I said... I don't... Come on! I don't want... No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right! Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far. That's his character. That's how...
Oh, that's... Come on. I'm gonna do it.
(GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?
Heh, Look at that, Lois. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me. "So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever." The end.
Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick. Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day.
Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that.
Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.
Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff?
We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?
Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly. I don't know... I don't know what else... Wait. Wait. (CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No!
and You'll agree No one really knows, my dear lady friend just quite how it all will end So, hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see
Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats. Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.
I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak!
Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?
Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?
Come on, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right?
He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe!
oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.
We got to come up with some crazy scheme like the kids on That '70s Show. And I think I got it.
Mmm! Mmm-mmm!
Brian, is that you?
$675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!
My objective is to figure out why. I don't know. The word "self-absorbed" comes to mind. And pretentious. Definitely pretentious. And he's got a big Eggo. Okay, we seem to have a theme going here. Oh, come on! You're all just mad because I didn't wanna be with you! I think Brian's a wonderful man. He's just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality.
But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke.
(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife. While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it.
I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going. Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!
Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming.
Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) Where am I? Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures.
My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)
There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
PETER: But one day, Vageena went swimming too soon after eating a sandwich, and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina.
Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.
You have to be Death!
Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,
Change it to Fox News! It's time for Rhonda Latimer. (SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) Again, Peter? You have a wife, you know. Lois, if it makes you feel any better, I'm thinking about her every time I masturbate to her. And we also want to remind you that Fox News switches to high definition starting Monday. Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great.
(BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things. Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close. Yeah, how'd that thing fall over? Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks?
It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone!
Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. But when their trail had led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up,
Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.
We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.
What am I gonna do? I'm really nervous about my date with Ellen tonight. I mean, I want to impress her, but what if I mess things up? Come on, Chris, it's just a matter of getting off on the right foot. First things first. Let's get you looking sharp. You've got to look your best tonight
It was nothing.
I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here?
Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!
I am, Peter. And it's only because I love you, and I want the best for you and our family. I love you, too, Lois. Isn't anybody gonna thank me? Yeah, I'll have a water if you're getting one. Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey.
You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know a little bit about who I am. Thanks for the milk, Carl.
(SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy!
now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong!
Or we could visit the Pershing House where John Pershing took control of the Eighth Army Brigade in 1914. So, that's his bed? Yes. So, that's his desk? Yes. So, that's his lamp? Yes. So, that's his dresser? Yes. So, that's his window? Yes. So, that's his floor? Yes.
Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it. Ahh!
Isn't it wonderful that everything's back to normal? Yeah. Oh, God. Nobody move. What is it? Nothing. Nothing. I'll get it.
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about?
You're not? No, son. I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is and how hard he's been working for all of you. And that no one has furniture, so you guys are right on target. Wait. You're letting me go? I don't understand. I'm not sure I do either. I know the law says I have to arrest you,
I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa!
Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance. (WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.
Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you got so far. Oh, you are just the worst type of person.
Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful.
Do you like yours with crust or without? How do you like yours? Ok, Let's both answer at the same time. 1, 2, 3. Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff?
Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)
Girls! Girls! Girls!
Ow! Stewie, that's not nice. Don't grab Mommy's pants like that. You could really hurt her.
It was easy. I just followed the instructions. I couldn't find the English ones. These are in Latin and those stuffy Ivy League professors won't help me. (CHUCKLING) - Nullum gratuitum prandium, Peter? Yeah? Why don't you catch a football, you nerds? Nerds. No, I just read the back, where it's printed in French. You speak French?
(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can. Hello, Lois. Peter, where the hell are you?
That's not Angela. That's Mona, Angela's mom. Wonderful use of tree bark for the age spots though. Mm-hmm. This one's got Tony bathing Jonathan. Well, That's just plain wrong. Each float possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-- Oh, baby! Look at that! Peter, The float turned out great.
I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!
Damn it, Griffin! I said no showboating! This calls for a victory tune! (SINGING)
And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.
Sure. I pick everyone except Meg. Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
We're about to pass the turnoffs.
And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!
(GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food.
Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart!
"Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would do. Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand.
Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business,
Whoa! Take it easy. You're getting a bigger head than Chris Matthews. The economy's in the news today, and Congress is considering a minimum-wage increase. Live by satellite to talk about it, Senator Harry Reid in Washington. How about it, Senator Reid? Is this the right move during the worst recession since the 1930s? Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track,
Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now?
we're all gonna be dead by morning. All right, if we're going to make it out alive,
You know, I actually think this might be my first memory.
What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup.
Hi, Mrs. Griffin.
This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH SIGHING)
I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.
(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town.
Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
"maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit! What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog.
Oh. (SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.
Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.
Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs
Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Hey, you guys!
- That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
(ALL MURMURING) ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom... How did she discover our plan? Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.
Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.
What the hell happened to you?
Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.
Oh, no! Oh, no! So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back,
It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass? Yeah, come on over. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING)
Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick. Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!
You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.
Maxine is the lady Who's feeling all right. thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!
(FARTS)
Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
(LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake.
followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets,
(RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore.
For example, here's what happened when we fertilized an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt. Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough.
Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh?
I think I got altitude sickness. Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.
"E!"
It was hard for me to begin with,
Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me? I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois. It's gonna to be fun. It is? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)
I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong.
I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.
Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you got to be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
You want to sit down? Wait a second! Don't sit down yet!
Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck!
(LAUGHTER RESONATES)
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Authorities are on the lookout for one-year-old Stewie Griffin, a Quahog infant who is believed to be possessed by Satan. A substantial reward is being offered for any information leading to his capture. In other pseudo-scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Bigfoot. We've got the exclusive interview.
(MOCKING)
I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!
Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it?
What are your demands?
And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here! Stay away from me! You keep him away from me! Why, you little... (BOTH YELLING) Get over here! I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna... Come back here!
And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.
Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake.
You know, Brian, Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids. Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow.
Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?
Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! Shut up! Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter!
Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian?
In the morning, cool weekends. FM. - Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back.
I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle rig