And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude Peter, my boy Yes You're sweet as chocolate cake You bring me joy And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do
Glen, Thank you for being such a good friend and looking after me like this. Ha! No problem. It's kinda chilly out, so I brought you a jacket. Oh, No, thanks. I'll be fine. Please? Peter, Muriel and I both feel that you need to follow your therapist's advice and start dating.
and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine. Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? James Taylor. Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks.
But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! So, uh, what are you wearing?
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke.
Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched.
(GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING)
Ok, so on the count to 3, you try to push me out of the ring, I try to push you out of the ring. Ok? Ready? 1, 2, 3! ow. What--What the hell? What the hell? Brian, I'm sorry--
It stops now, Meg!
Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer?
Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.
Giggity. Oh, I say that. Well, the DNA test results are back. This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire. What am I supposed to do? I don't want a baby.
So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?
Wow, it's so obvious. Thanks, Daddy. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom. WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!
Well, I think you're doing a great job, Mrs. Griffin, but my boss would kill me. How's everything going out here? Fine, Mr. Voorhees. Good. 'Cause if you screw up, I'll kill you. Hi, Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.
There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon. You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay.
Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
Why, I feel like I'm on the deck of the qE ii.
"'He ripped off her lab coat and she grabbed his metallic extension.'
Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune?
I know the feeling. It's how I feel when I burp really loud in an underground parking structure to assert my dominance. (BURPING LOUDLY) Says the king.
Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple. Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)
And Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. It's ok. Take your time. Then what happened? He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!
(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute.
You're an idiot.
God's man-boobs are flabby And they hurt when he jogs And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of
MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)
Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible!
That's a sex tape I made with my wife.
And you do
Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.
I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.
I don't want to talk to you. Get out!
Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run! Joe? It's Peter. Two things.
No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!
Go on, buds drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me
Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want,
(BRIAN RUNNING) Joe, I gotta tell you. This whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. When do we get to shoot some bad guys? Guys, it's not all about action.
Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done. So what now? I go to Heaven? Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated. You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right now!
- Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter. One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs. You suck! Get off the stage! What do we do? I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here.
Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.
So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie. Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home! Oh, my God. That is hilarious.
We set a cap, you jerk. Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch? Peter, what are you angry about? You get to go on a cruise with me. What? What? Well, yeah, you didn't think Brian meant for me to go with him, did you? Great. This was a bigger waste of time than Ringo's songwriting.
I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up. So, you can just rot out here, Brian. Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole? James Woods did it. Hey, where'd you get the clothes?
Well, it wasn't me!
That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen. And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.
I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover. I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole.
Well, not so good.
Oh, God. An angry mob. I've got to swallow all my valuables and get out of here.
Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice.
You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!
you've gained some weight recently. It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.
$780. $781. ...you!
No, Ida. (GASPS) (RETCHING) (LOUD GROAN)
We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy
Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
Hurry up. We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close.
I really enjoy being with you, Ross.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to How I Met Your Father. Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married.
(GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know. You idiot! This is your fault. My fault? You were the one chasing me. You were the one reading my diary. LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right?
All right. Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh... Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh...
Honey, are you pregnant?
That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.
We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me.
Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. " feel like such a bastard. Me, too. For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better. Thank you. But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right. Girls! Girls! Girls!
I'm Dr. Goodman of the quahog Ornithological Society ironically dining in a restaurant that exclusively serves poultry. Doctor, what is this? Oh, It's a very rare species. The endangered White-Rumped Swallow. "Rump." This isn't funny, Chris! "Swallow." Look, Just get rid of this bird, all right?
Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank.
(CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!
how can you possibly have a 13-year-old son when you yourself are only seven? Well, those are dog years. That doesn't make any sense. You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the Internet and complain.
(BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS) (HISSING) Wanna have sex?
Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.
What a bitch. Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom.
We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night? Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. Oh, man, As soon as We got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. - Shut the smurf up! - Yeah! Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it. - That is freaking smurf. - Yeah.
Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad to you, young lady. Oh, God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do,
Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House.
Bird's the word Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well, don't you know about the bird?
Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it.
PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Huh? Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate.
Peter Griffin, certified C.P.R. Don't anyone panic! What the hell are you doing? Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No! What the hell is wrong with you? I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow!
All right. I made a touchdown. - Griffin, you're fired! - For what?
Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car.
No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!
The Park Barrington is already attracting some big names. Such as Christianity enthusiast Mel Gibson, who has his own room on permanent reserve. A room which he barely uses. Barely uses, huh? Lois, I just got an idea!
Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!
i wanna be with you night and day oh, Peter! Our song! Happy anniversary, Lois.
Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW PLAYING) And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.
I'd be happy to. Really? (GIGGLES) That'd be great. Cool, cool. I'll follow you in my car. (WHISPERING) Come on. We're going. All right, hold on. Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for? So you can fuck dogs?
good-bye good-bye good-bye
Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.
It's a do-nothing job, sweetcakE.
What is your problem, Snoopy? Look, what it comes down to is that these false promises of, like, a quick fix to any and any problem that you would ever have, what books like these suggest is actually damaging to a large, gullible segment of the population.
And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go right, B, up, dodge, left, uppercut... (CHUCKLES) Listen to me telling you how to play the game.
Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle.
What? (STAMMERING) But I told them they didn't know what they were talking about. Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself. And then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn. I love you, too, insane-woman-I'm-having- second-thoughts-about. What? All right.
Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?
To be so big That's proof he must be A big, fat Heeb God's real flabby With an ass so wide
You can't tell me what to do.
Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again. Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about? Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead. I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me.
Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.
Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.
I say, look at this. This toy has small parts. Why the devil would they include small parts? Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up. (GROANS) Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. Dude, you're lucky.
because now she's dodged the bullet of being in a relationship with a loser like you. Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're like a black woman in hindsight. I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you?
Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High.
What are you talkin' about? I'm better than him at everything. You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.
(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right.
Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty. I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign,
OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already?
- Say "ruined." - Ru-ined.
(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.
I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group, when they all converged on the scene. I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom.
Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success.
Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one. Sweetie? You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L"
As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor. Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all.
No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change.
I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school. Heh, Nothing happened. No--No. I mean that bird just came to Meg when she whistled. Oh. No, those are just my bird calls. Do it again! Do it again! Yeah? Well, what did you want? Uh... You called me, right?
I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.
(CHORTLES) Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined. (LAUGHING) Oh, really? Well, I'm sure a brief call to my accountant will resolve this to our mutual satisfaction. (DIALING) Hello, Schnozzenstein? This is Peter Griffin. There seems to be some issue with our credit.
How's your stewed fox quail, my dear?
Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it! The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.
Hi. Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine. Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans.
That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby.
Come on! Oh! Wait a second. Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush! Don't tell my dad. Rush, you're not giving him sweets, are you? God damn it. What's the harm? He's going to be pooping all over his Spider-Man sheets and I'm the one who's going to have to deal with it. Hey there, Rush. How you doing?
JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?
Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE?
Time to lose some weight, dearie.
Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton!
We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon. Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. Oh, there's the cute prom couple. Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon?
(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends? There's so many questions left unanswered. Are you Luke Skywalker? Yeah. I've got something for you. A letter.
Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch.
Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.
Wow, Jesus Christ at our dinner table. I still can't get over it. I'm actually glad you're all here tonight. I want to tell you that one of you will betray me. (LAUGHING) Just kidding! (LAUGHS) He's doing that thing he did in the storybook. So, Jesus, finish that story you were telling us.
A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet
Of a once raging fire
You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.
And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here. STEWIE: Did you see that, Rupert? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News.
Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy
Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?
Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters. l'm Dan Rather.
Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful,
(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death!
I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox.
FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72. Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!
Looks like he's gonna have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's going to have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and A tiny comb, Mr. Griffin. Congratulations. You've passed the 4th grade, Mr. Griffin. Aw, Great. Listen, I gotta leave, though. I'm going huntin' with my son.
(DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...
No!
Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case. Oh, it's all right, Peter, I know it's tough for you to work with your hand injury. Hey, you know, with you sitting there, it's kind of like you're my secretary. Well, let's not get carried away, Peter. Now please, I'm trying to finish your work. You know, Lois, if I'm your boss, I got to look like a boss.
Oh, you beast!
I... I... I love you. I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...
I'm a family guy!
What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?
(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No!
This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh.
That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech. But, Peter, what about your son?
Well, it's either that or go into the strawberry fields. Hey, you know what I'm getting into? Is one-legged chicks. Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg? That'll be enough of that, lad. How about Eileen? Ringo got it.
Get out your ring. Peter, that's not-- Come on! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of steam! Peter, we got these in a box of FrankenBerry.
Don't you love me?
So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose. Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight.
You know what you did.
Okay, listen up. everybody. I got great news. Meg, you and your family are gonna perform on Saturday Night Live. You mean I'm gonna get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner... and Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley, and Horatio Sanz? Sweet!
My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja
What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.
Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.
Hello. And welcome to Diane! Today's guest is tired of being embarrassed by her family. Meg, how did you get these tickets again? Let's bring them up right now. Meg, Whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy-- The Griffin family! Suckers.
I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food.
Well, this is it. I guess so. Count to three? Yep. One, two... One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no!
What the fuck?
HEy, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
Fresh pepper? Yes, thank you. Oh, that's plenty, thanks. None for me, thanks. My boyfriend just dumped me. There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Thanks! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Brian! You did it!
Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting!
All right, Stewie. Your dad's gonna help you learn how to be a man. Real men have a couple of beers and then project their inadequacies on their kids. - Okay. - What's that? You think you're better than me? What? No. I didn't say that. So I guess you think you would have been some kind of big shot by my age, huh? Done things differently? Gotten that promotion? I don't even know what you do. Well, let me tell you something!
Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that. Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.
Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade," as it's pronounced, Brian,
CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... (BELCHES) (ALIEN SNORING)
I'm just trying to join in. Yeah, you don't know what you're talking about, okay? You sound like... That's not fair. I think I'm doing pretty... No, you don't know the characters, Brian. You don't know the characters. If you could hear yourself right now, you would not stop throwing up. You can't just put He-Man in Transformers' world, all right? He wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia, and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension.
Land mines? Land mines. It was land mines.
Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?
Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh!
Don't yell at your motheR!
I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.
Show me your school spirit! (INHALES) The players will remember this while they're playing.
I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
(GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch. (CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter.
WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning. - FM. - Cool. WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning. On 97.1. 97.1.
Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) My legs!
That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself! I'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol,
Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here....
(LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen. Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.
Peter, don't! God, your hands are like ice! Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter.
My dad's smarter than your dad. - We have the same dad, idiot. - Yeah, but mine's smarter.
Gosh, thanks.
And I don't think you've got the grapes!
(TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!
Yeah. I mean, it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But you got to believe that it's there. Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. QUAGMIRE: That's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.
You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough.
I'm at the wrong airport.
Hi, Joseph
(FARTING) Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God!
No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys? How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things? Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this,
Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?
Hey, I need you to take me to New York for the opening night of my play. (SCOFFS) No way. Besides, I checked, and there's no play by Stewie Griffin opening in New York. I submitted it under a pseudonym. They think it was written by Tony Dovolani. I thought your pseudonym was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower. That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car.
and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.
Ni hao, Stewie.
Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up.
You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys.
Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness. This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed.
I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph. Obviously, she had something to do with the gag, but I didn't hear the setup, so I don't really know the context... Hey, I wonder what Peter's up to!
I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this. - You're still my little buddy, right? - Yeah. Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom. - Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois. - Goodnight. Peter, this is a little strange. No stranger than when Darth Vader was a meter maid.
Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again!
That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!
Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money!
Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down!
(GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING) (CRYING)
Hey, Stewie, what are you doing? Well, Brian, in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought, "Why not go back in time "to that Summer of Love in the '60s "that everyone's always talking about?" Oh, cool. Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid? I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you. Very bad dog. (CRACKLING)
This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.
DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight.
I kn--I know. There's nothing-- Nothing to, um... To, uh... Um... Oh. Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"!
Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.
You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
That just makes me want you more, you know? Come on, man. Let's just... Let's just go nuts. Let's just... No, I said... I don't... Come on! I don't want... No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right! Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far. That's his character. That's how...
Oh, that's... Come on. I'm gonna do it.
(GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?
Heh, Look at that, Lois. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me. "So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever." The end.
Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick. Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day.
Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that.
Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.
Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff?
We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?
Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay. They're lesbians, clearly. I don't know... I don't know what else... Wait. Wait. (CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No!
and You'll agree No one really knows, my dear lady friend just quite how it all will end So, hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see
Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats. Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.
I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak!
Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?
Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?
Come on, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right?
He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe!
oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.
We got to come up with some crazy scheme like the kids on That '70s Show. And I think I got it.
Mmm! Mmm-mmm!
Brian, is that you?
$675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!
My objective is to figure out why. I don't know. The word "self-absorbed" comes to mind. And pretentious. Definitely pretentious. And he's got a big Eggo. Okay, we seem to have a theme going here. Oh, come on! You're all just mad because I didn't wanna be with you! I think Brian's a wonderful man. He's just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality.
But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke.
(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife. While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it.
I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going. Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!
Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming.
Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) Where am I? Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures.
My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)
There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
PETER: But one day, Vageena went swimming too soon after eating a sandwich, and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina.
Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.
You have to be Death!
Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,
Change it to Fox News! It's time for Rhonda Latimer. (SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) Again, Peter? You have a wife, you know. Lois, if it makes you feel any better, I'm thinking about her every time I masturbate to her. And we also want to remind you that Fox News switches to high definition starting Monday. Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV? Looks that way. Great.
(BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things. Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close. Yeah, how'd that thing fall over? Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks?
It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone!
Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. But when their trail had led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up,
Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.
We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.
What am I gonna do? I'm really nervous about my date with Ellen tonight. I mean, I want to impress her, but what if I mess things up? Come on, Chris, it's just a matter of getting off on the right foot. First things first. Let's get you looking sharp. You've got to look your best tonight
It was nothing.
I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here?
Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!
I am, Peter. And it's only because I love you, and I want the best for you and our family. I love you, too, Lois. Isn't anybody gonna thank me? Yeah, I'll have a water if you're getting one. Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey.
You son of a bitch! Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know a little bit about who I am. Thanks for the milk, Carl.
(SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy!
now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong!
Or we could visit the Pershing House where John Pershing took control of the Eighth Army Brigade in 1914. So, that's his bed? Yes. So, that's his desk? Yes. So, that's his lamp? Yes. So, that's his dresser? Yes. So, that's his window? Yes. So, that's his floor? Yes.
Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out-- "Outrages," yeah, I think we got it. Ahh!
Isn't it wonderful that everything's back to normal? Yeah. Oh, God. Nobody move. What is it? Nothing. Nothing. I'll get it.
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about?
You're not? No, son. I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is and how hard he's been working for all of you. And that no one has furniture, so you guys are right on target. Wait. You're letting me go? I don't understand. I'm not sure I do either. I know the law says I have to arrest you,
I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa!
Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance. (WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.
Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you got so far. Oh, you are just the worst type of person.
Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful.
Do you like yours with crust or without? How do you like yours? Ok, Let's both answer at the same time. 1, 2, 3. Without! Without! Holy moly! That's 8 things we have in common! Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff?
Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)
Girls! Girls! Girls!
Ow! Stewie, that's not nice. Don't grab Mommy's pants like that. You could really hurt her.
It was easy. I just followed the instructions. I couldn't find the English ones. These are in Latin and those stuffy Ivy League professors won't help me. (CHUCKLING) - Nullum gratuitum prandium, Peter? Yeah? Why don't you catch a football, you nerds? Nerds. No, I just read the back, where it's printed in French. You speak French?
(PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can. Hello, Lois. Peter, where the hell are you?
That's not Angela. That's Mona, Angela's mom. Wonderful use of tree bark for the age spots though. Mm-hmm. This one's got Tony bathing Jonathan. Well, That's just plain wrong. Each float possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-- Oh, baby! Look at that! Peter, The float turned out great.
I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!
Damn it, Griffin! I said no showboating! This calls for a victory tune! (SINGING)
And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.
Sure. I pick everyone except Meg. Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
We're about to pass the turnoffs.
And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!
(GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food.
Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart!
"Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would do. Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand.
Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business,
Whoa! Take it easy. You're getting a bigger head than Chris Matthews. The economy's in the news today, and Congress is considering a minimum-wage increase. Live by satellite to talk about it, Senator Harry Reid in Washington. How about it, Senator Reid? Is this the right move during the worst recession since the 1930s? Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track,
Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them. You pay me now?
we're all gonna be dead by morning. All right, if we're going to make it out alive,
You know, I actually think this might be my first memory.
What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup.
Hi, Mrs. Griffin.
This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH SIGHING)
I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.
(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town.
Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
"maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?" Shit! What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog.
Oh. (SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.
Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.
Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs
Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Hey, you guys!
- That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
(ALL MURMURING) ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom... How did she discover our plan? Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.
Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.
What the hell happened to you?
Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.
Oh, no! Oh, no! So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back,
It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass? Yeah, come on over. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING)
Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick. Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!
You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.
Maxine is the lady Who's feeling all right. thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!
(FARTS)
Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
(LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake.
followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets,
(RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore.
For example, here's what happened when we fertilized an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt. Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough.
Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh?
I think I got altitude sickness. Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.
"E!"
It was hard for me to begin with,
Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me? I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois. It's gonna to be fun. It is? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)
I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong.
I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.
Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you got to be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
You want to sit down? Wait a second! Don't sit down yet!
Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck!
(LAUGHTER RESONATES)
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Authorities are on the lookout for one-year-old Stewie Griffin, a Quahog infant who is believed to be possessed by Satan. A substantial reward is being offered for any information leading to his capture. In other pseudo-scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Bigfoot. We've got the exclusive interview.
(MOCKING)
I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!
Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it?
What are your demands?
And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here! Stay away from me! You keep him away from me! Why, you little... (BOTH YELLING) Get over here! I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna... Come back here!
And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.
Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake.
You know, Brian, Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids. Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and... Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow.
Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?
Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! Shut up! Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter!
Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian?
In the morning, cool weekends. FM. - Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back.
I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay,
Cowards!
Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?
(ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!
What is wrong with you?
Ugh! Ooh! Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh! Holy crap! This is hot!
Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.
Meg, could you come here, please? What is it? Could you see if I'm getting a bed sore on my back? Sure. It looks fine to me, ma'am. Thank you, dear. I must have just slept on it wrong. (CHUCKLING) I stole Meg's cutaway.
A wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer. Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob.
Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps. (SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly!
Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall.
If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.
You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!
That must be him.
- Very good! Good answer! - Bingo! Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go, so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!"
Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)
What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!
God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.
What's that, Dad? (PIGEON COOING) It's my new meth distribution system. I've trained this carrier pigeon to do all my deliveries for me. Fly away, Benjamin! Ah, perfect, perfect. Now this is the money I owe Peter. I want you to take it back to him. Do you understand?
It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.
You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up.
Like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks. You know, Matthew, I may not ever get another chance to say this, so I just want to get this off my chest. You are just awful. You're one of the worst actors in the history of film, (CHUCKLES) and I think that you need to go away. Oh, thanks, man.
Not all Asians are bad drivers. No, no, not all terrorists are Arab. But, you know, they are, so...
What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense.
Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.
I love steak! Other girls don't. I'm actually more like a dude. Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in.
In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art.
(SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter. Oh, come on.
You want to know what my problem is? I love too much!
That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer!
Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog.
I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life? Okay, Charmese, here we go. Are you sure you want to watch this? I'm just warning you, you're in the splash zone. If I get anything out, I'll be happy.
I can't believe Ms. Clifton's gone. Who's gonna teach my class now? Brian, why don't you teach Chris's class? You're very knowledgeable, the kids might knock you down a few pegs... which would be good for you. You know, that is a terrific idea, Lois. I probably have a lot to offer young people. What's he going to teach them? How to lick the Dorito crumbs from between the sofa cushions?
Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage?
Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented.
But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Look, I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing. It was a one-night thing.
You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!
Oh, my God, we did it! We struck gold! This is amazing! We're gonna be rich! Rich and gay.
if you have any questions about your locker assignments or your class schedule, please come...
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?
Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting. (MONITOR BEEPING) (VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY)
Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at? The underpants, lose them! A-Actually, I kinda-- I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, you know, maybe tomorrow-- Take 'em off! Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey.
Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it?
but your grandfather died.
I'm taking credit for finding this body. (ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers.
Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it.
I can only help you bring out your "inner stud." But there's a lot of potential here. Now how many of you guys think a woman is looking for Prince Charming? Wrong! They're looking for bastards like me! (MURMURING) Mort, how many times you been laid since your wife died?
(PLAYING SOOTHING TUNE)
Look, this isn't Windex but it's just as good. It's the store brand. No. No. It leave a film. I'm okay with the film. Just use it. No. No. I no can clean. Shit. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor.
Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer. Be careful, Lois.
You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter. What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you. Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you?
Hey, Mom, can I have some soda? No, but you can have some Tasty Juice. It has only one-third the sugar of soda. Mmm. Delicious. Thanks, Mom. (WOMAN SINGING)
Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt, and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means, and community activist.
Well, let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston. Oh, my God, this plane is awesome, Quagmire. Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous.
Let's get the hell outta here. Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it!
Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high.
(DINGS) I think I just got an idea.
Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Stick around.
I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)
Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No. - Some guys from Iraq? - No. That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.
I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think. Listen, I want to thank you all for coming down. And remember, wish it, want it, buy it. All right. Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing. You want to get a book published, don't you?
(KOKOMO PLAYING) STEWIE: Key Largo, Montego Baby, why don't we go down to Kokomo But not too fast 'Cause Stewie takes it slow
Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!
Ladies and gentlemen, in his first public appearance ever, Pawtucket Pat!
Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.
But I'll always remember you.
And from now on it's against the rules to pat female employees on the fanny. (MUMBLING) Like touching butts!
Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America!
You're disgusting.
"I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?
So did the white light.
Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.
Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.
Whoa! Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.
I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!
Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.
Damn them. (STUTTERING) Well, that's the thing. I mean, there's only two phones in the... Well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago. Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.
(CAMERAS CLICKING) PHOTOGRAPHERS: Scarlett! Scarlett Johansson! MAN 1: Scarlett, over here! WOMAN: Scarlett Johansson! - Scarlett! - Scarlett! MAN 2: Laura Linney. - (CAMERA CLICKS) - Whoops.
I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here. You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you?
- Mosquito. - Bite. - Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit. I'm too self-conscious to do it. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
And I'm already semi-there. Oh!
I've had enough. Hey, Stewie, they got... Stewie? Oh, my God, he's gone. Has anyone seen my son? Hello? Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how! That's good old-fashioned family racism.
I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle. Childhood obesity.
Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
Peter, you are not putting those birds in the car! Well, then I guess we're not going on vacation. (YAWNS) Good. Then I'm going back to bed. All right, Peter, you can bring the stupid birds. (CHEERING) You're letting me be myself! All right, everybody, let's go! All right, everybody, off we go.
I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay... Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here.
They should make a tube that sends you right to work That would save a lot of gas But I guess there'd be a lot of tubes Well, that wasn't very good.
It's not the wind! And this is our Fox News daycare center. Where are all the kids? Sorry, a lot of the children aren't here today because their parents have the day off for Martin Luther King day. Isn't that in January? Oh, no, at Fox News, we celebrate the day he was shot.
I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'll want me. Now, as I said before, I can't make you into studs. I can only help you bring out your "inner stud." But there's a lot of potential here.
They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING) And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot!
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.
CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped,
You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!
Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo. I-17. Oh, Darn it. aah!
Hey, Dan, when this is all over, you may get a call asking you to evaluate my performance. Can I count on you to give me a 10? And that should do it.
Wink.
Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh!
PETER: Oh, my God, this one's so hot. You can almost see a little bit of woman. Oh, Peter, you've got some pretty cool albums here. Yeah, well, I was one cool potato back in the day. You know, some of these might actually be worth something. Look at this... Beatles, Rolling Stones. Oh, my God, I haven't seen this one in forever. Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World.
Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.
On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
Ball in a cup
(GROANING) That's disgusting.
... you. That's who works here! Dinner's almost ready, kids.
Get them motherfuckers on the line.
Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing.
Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.
Let's track down the punks who stole it and make them pay. Look, Stewie, I don't think that... Brian, please. This is my first Halloween, and... And it's ruined. All right, all right, fine. We'll look for them. Good, because so far, Halloween's a bigger letdown than being a Mets fan. ANNOUNCER: Opening day, and here's the first pitch. And the season's over.
Late '70s Bruce Jenner, take me home. Hop on, Peter.
I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay.
Big Fat Paulie? Ah! My name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight. Big Fat Paulie? How dare you? Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson!
(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.
Chris, I've already explained this to you. Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover.
Are we there yet? It's crowded back here. Stop touching me. Your leg is rubbing up against mine. Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over. Stop breathing on the window. You idiot, that's condensation. It's on the outside. That's it! I will come back there and, so help me God, I will hit you with my ring hand.
(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.
Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!
Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power. (SCOFFS) You have a different view, Brian? I don't know. Are we allowed to have a different view? Look, Brian, I know where you's at. I fought it at first, too. But you need to realize you don't have all them answers.
All right, let's a-wassaiL!
- Hey, you like Pez? - Sure. Hey, who's putting together a puzzle? 'Cause I just found a hot piece. Wow. Lois, you look great. I'd like to split you in half like a piece of lumber.
Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house.
Count yourself lucky you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet! Gobbledy glue
gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi! Oh, hi, Quagmire. What a surprise. I know, right? Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you,
(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. "Today he was out in the yard raking leaves.
I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!
Rhode Island.
- (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?
I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian?
i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall erected in 15-- Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland! Y-You can't just ignore those years.
I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.
(PETER SCREAMING)
It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it?
Gonna fly now Flying high now
excuse me, war hero Thanksgiving touch football. (APPLAUDING) - Yeah! U.S.A.! I didn't even know there was a war. Okay, let's pick teams. I'll be a captain and Mayor West, you can be a captain.
Everybody makes mistakes. Even doctors. (CHARGING) You forgot to say... I forgot to say "clear."
There's the white kid With the baggy clothes Who's talking like he's black
I mean, no T.V.? So He failed a class,
I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here?
Who's Thelma? This is Thelma. Ew!
Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up!
God, when did Christmas become so complicated? So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter!
Oh, yes. Just as I thought: France, art... murder? Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. - Hey, Stewie. Peekaboo! - Yes, I see you, fat man. Where's Daddy? Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible. I can hear you, but I can't see.... Well, he must really be gone!
So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, yes! I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume.
This isn't the first time I've had to find my own food in the wild. - Agi-boo-gah-di-booGi! - ahh! Dumb broad.
I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?
You having your period?
Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash. - Cold in here? - Nope, just really small. Face it, Mom. No matter what I wear, I look ugly. Meg, you're being.... That's.... Let's try down here.
MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning, cool weekends.
(SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!
There's Waldo.
(CROWD GASPS) You call that kissing a baby?
Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month. We'll be his period. I was just upstairs and there's a half-dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy.
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you.
Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat.
This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you.
So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.
God! Damn! Stupid penguins.
(HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)
Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature. If I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I Would've never done it. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, I went to the streets to find out. Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No.
Oh, my gosh! Stewie,
What are you talking about? I want some more of Jillian's delicious lemonade. I know. It's good, right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it. Oh, this is fun, huh?
Hey, do you guys think this outfit is too revealing? What do you think, Brian? I mean, what do you think of the ta-tas? Can we do better? I think we can do better, right? What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments and naked they would be, like, mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro. I mean, I'm just... Like, I mean,
(HORNS BLOWING) (SCREAMS) This armor's useless! Why do we even wear it?
Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?
If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on! Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it. Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kidS!
Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat!
No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you. Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times.
All right, here goes nothing.
I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!
That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime.
Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives. Aw, I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kind of rooting against him. We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone. Oh, thank God, we're saved!
Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.
fAce
and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet? Now Chris, you know there's no such thing.
That kid's a sociopath. Well, it's time you laid down the law with him. I couldn't agree more. I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird.
So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? (SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that. Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank.
Good Lord! What's happened to us?
My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back.
Yo, yo, yo.
On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.! I think Peter may be onto something.
Damn you, vile woman!
MALE NARRATOR: In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention.
take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle! Yeah, I heard it. They say my name on TV all the time. Calm down, bitch. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me, even though it's been a day-and-a-half since I've showered, and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids.
Oh, okay! (SNAPPING)
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
You slept with my wife.
MAN ON TV: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Patrick is a very nice man. And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son. Whose pickle is this? This just in. The body of a local fat man was found murdered in Quahog Park last night. Police released this sketch of the suspect. Oh, my God!
5 Seasons Hotel.
Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!
Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home... Stewie, what the hell are you doing? She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud! She didn't write any of her songs. Well, so, that's the case with a lot of singers. It's a very common industry practice. Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds, aren't you? A bunch of frauds and charlatans.
Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
Nobody vomits at the North Pole!
I'm a writer, published twice. I own a cinder block yard. Have over 12,000 cinder blocks. If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price. Thank you. I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me.
Thanks, Quagmire. I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the Chief for once. Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it. You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here! (GRUNTING) Hey! This punk's not worth it. You're right. You're not worth it.
Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you? What are you, nuts? Shut up, round-eye!
You know, Silly Putty's awesome,
I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or
(EXCLAIMING) What? You thought... No, no, no. Spugizakom. It's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic. That's right, Spugizakom. (MOCKING)
I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.
Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself. See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something, but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!"
That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss.
And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium. Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched!
somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.
Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy, the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing.
Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS) Well, here we are. Okay, guys, squeeze in. Bible photographer. Okay, we're smiling, we're happy to see Jesus.
good-bye good-bye good-bye
Come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower. - But I like that guy. - Too late. (GRUNTING) My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)
So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!
And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine! Ding.
But first, please take a moment to watch this instructional video. Nothing but net. Hi! I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips on blowing up the Death Star.
Oh, God! Oh, my God, this is horrible. Oh, God. That's terrible. Oh, good Lord, save them. Bless their... Oh, okay. Yeah! There we go. All right, everything worked out.
Wait a minute. That's the smartest thing I've ever heard... anyone say about anything.
Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up.
- You have cancer! - What? Yeah. I thought you should know. Okay, go back to sleep. Wait, I have questions. (SIGHS) It's very late.
Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again! PETER: ...the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Brian? Yeah? I don't feel so good. All right, that's it. We got to do something about this.
Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil.
So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! Ahh!
I say, Phineas,
You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Correct! (CHEERING) I did it, Lois! My God, I did it! You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg.
You fool!
Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois, but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.
What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.
I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois. It's gonna to be fun. It is? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs.
You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck!
Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard! That is Journey.
How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries!
All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time. Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room.
Aha! We meet again, Briggs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you? Joe Swanson. Who? Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation. We saw Reality Bites together.
Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.
You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.
Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground.
I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.
W-w-Wait. Watch this. Hey, Jambi! Ok, say it. Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much.
Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. All right, you did good. Going to take her to Walt's Roast Beef. All right, kids, we got 200,000 lottery tickets we got to check. All right, how do you want to do this? A static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over-explains what we're doing? Um, that second one sounds like it could be funny.
You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat. Well, just get a divorce and everything will be back to normal. Oh, It's not that easy. What am I supposed to tell Brian? Thanks for savin' our family, now scram.
MAN 1: Okay, back up. - Further. Move back some more. - MAN 2: What? Back up some more. I'm as far away as I can get. Okay, have her enter. Action! Damn it. Cut!
Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview? Shut up and get a ladder or something. Actually, yeah. Maybe we are doing an interview. So, Stewie, tell us about that new project you have coming up. What're you talking about? Get me down, you douche. No. First you tell me about that new project. Oh, you are so dead. Is that the title of your new film?
where the elite without feet meet to eat. Lois, this is insanity. I think we should shut down the restaurant. But why? We're doing so well. Lois, let me explain something to you, all right? Cripples are not cool. Hang on. I'm gonna get the picture. Oh, Peter, don't... (TALKING GIBBERISH) What do you see here, Lois? - Do we have to... - What do you see?
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time.
You... Actor. You... Tony? You...
Who could think of such a horrible thing?
Dear diary. Jackpot!
Stuff, stuff, stuff and stuff History and stuff and stuff People, people, someone's name History and sports Big disaster, someone's name Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff History, someone's name Something I don't know Famous guy, movie star Don't know who these people are Stuff and stuff and history Yelling really loud at me! Okay, how's the fire coming?
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.
HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast. The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash.
All right, now, We're gonna use a fan brush here. And, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green. And We're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you!
I said turn us around! Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is Turn it upside down Take it back to Bespin
But I'm gay.
Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"... and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter. All right. All right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster." That's the spirit. - You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?
We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company
Ha! Good point. Bottoms up!
So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House. Here's your breakfast, Lois. Thank you, Mom.
So be it, A.N.N.A.
Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster.
Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die.
Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here. You can have the real estate section. It's for schmucks, anyway. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.
Let's take a look at that wrist injury.
Uh, Big Fat Paulie, there's something I gotta tell you. um... Do you ever stare up at the night sky and wonder if someone might be looking back at you? No. But just in case look at this, you freaking aliens!
We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.
Are those new slacks? What's that now? Are those new slacks? I got these on special at Caldor. Who drove you there? My nephew. Oh! That was nice of him. I forgot why I came over. Are those new slacks?
That's tomorrow, and that is it for us today. Okay, I don't know... Whatever it is, it's not right on the teleprompter. MAN: There it is. We're gonna do Sting, yeah. There's no words there. "To play us out." What does that mean? "To play us out." To end the show? MAN: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three...
(SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING) (GROANS)
(GRUNTS) All right, who's ready for a campfire song, huh? Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame. It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes
There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking! (ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God!
Stewie, what the hell is going on?
You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!
(SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?
I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom. But that's when Derek went out to the balcony. I couldn't let him contact the police before everything was in the place. So I had to kill him, too. When Peter was yelling at everyone about that picture of Derek holding up the Hollywood sign, I grabbed the Golden Globe and slipped out.
Hi, Diane.
Well, thank you both. You saved our lives. And Peter, I'll never forget what you did for us. You're a good man. All right, you rest up, get better, we ate your son. Bring it up.
Oh, That's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. Join me for what? No, PETA, the organization. - What organization? - PETA. What? PETA is an acronym, Peter. No, I'm not. I'm Catholic. Are we really doing this? No. Peter, I'm just saying maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. Somebody's having a rally for me now?
It's strong and it's sudden And it's cruel sometimes But it might just save your life... That's the power of love Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table?
Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night.
(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.
You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you. Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no.
I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.?
(SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?
Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.
I'm a Coors man anyway!
Me!
I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!
I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper! (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity!
Quagmire! She sounds fat.
So thanks for coming. How you doing tonight? Good. Glad to hear it. Any requests? Play On the Dark Side by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band. Give it up, Brian.
No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No!
Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp. (SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass! All aboard for the Grand Canyon.
As we agreed. Admirable. But foolish!
"anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL."
Waah!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake. Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.
On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty. Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo! In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service. Next item. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here "to join these two in holy matrimony.
Man, you're more of a letdown than Fruit Stripe Gum. Hmm! Aw!
Enough of that. Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now.
Now Meg, no need to get so testes-- Uh, Testy! Oh, Nuts! I mean crap! You want to sit down?
You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12.
It's time we ditched the W.B.
Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys!
Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!
Hey, you know, if we're all gonna be tryin' to figure this out together, maybe it would be easier if we gave each other names. That's a great idea. Hey, maybe my name is on this collar. "Cremate, don't bury." Okay, that's a downer. You know what? I'm gettin' a feeling about my name.
(SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count. We have been here for three hours.
That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring. But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.
Damn these worms. Ow, this itch. Brian, what the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just some Pilates. Don't lie to me, Brian. I know what this is. You're looking for an ass-race. First one to the kitchen wins. Go! - Still got the worms, eh? - Yeah, that stupid medicine's $300.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Yes? Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law. My client was injured listening to this audio book. We're suing you for every penny you've got. What? Why? You're liable as publisher. I'm here to seize your assets. Griffin.
Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining. You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me.
Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure.
Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court, fore is in the air when Judge Harry's old high-school flame comes to town. Then, a child 's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker 's life on an all-new L.A. Law. That's Night Court at 8:00. L.A. Law at 9:00.
Oh, My God!
- Ok! Me next! Me next! - Ugh! Ok, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow, and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. Ahh!
She danced with me like I hoped she would Somethin' tells me I'm into something good Somethin' tells me I'm into something good You know, Dad, it's been really great hanging out with you.
Wait, hold it. Can we finish this after Joan ofArcadia? ls Joan ofArcadia on? All right. Must be good. Enjoyable program. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking news story. We apologize to Joan of Arcadia's sanctim onious, fear-based. ' ' and probably overweight viewers.
You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire? Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)
This is no cave. What?
Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium. 10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!
Girl? Girl. Oh, no! The egg that I was supposed to take care of for my high school project! Mr. Burke was right. I'm not ready to be a parent. Wait a minute. I'm not in high school anymore. Maybe this is all a dream. Aah! It was a dream!
(SIGHS) Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie. Joe, you've got to accept your limitations. Why don't you just ask me to lay down and die? I can't live like this anymore! That's it! That's not how it happened! It was my ideA!
How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42. All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number?
(SIRENS WAILING) Happy Valentine's Day, Juan. And to you, mi amor. One minute, I freshen up first. (SPRAYS) (POLISHES) Okay. CONSUELA: Si, si, si. Oh, yeah.
Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. "Today he was out in the yard raking leaves.
Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.
Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!"
Land mines?
And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING)
I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right. I don't believe it! Finally I can do this! I set that thing up 15 years ago. Hey, where's the clown? We've got to do something about this. Pack your bag, Peter. We're going to Washington. Oh, there he is.
Why doesn't Chris come in, and we can treat him like one of the cats? Then, in a couple of years, we'll give him a diploma. That doesn't sound like he'll be getting the best education. I don't know, Lois. Some of those cats go on to get pretty good jobs. (MEOWS) Yep.
A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.
Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.
or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get little bits of lint out of the rug? I know what you're about, Mr. Herbert: free labor, and I'm not into it. Chris, you have to choose. It's either Franz or me.
Oh, boy. That was close. Ugh! Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here. You're a worse parent than Britney Spears. I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD)
Married a black fellow, which is quite a surprise because I'd call her quite a catch. And black guys, by and large, they're not so helpful on a fishing vessel. Now, Portuguese, absolutely, absolutely. I even had a couple of Japanese guys who worked out great. Thank you very much. You guys have been terrific.
(SNIFFLES) Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.
Oh, that's a shame.
You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.
Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then.
Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending. Well, Look at the bright side, Lois. It's a chance for a fresh start for both Cleveland and... Oh, my God! What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What the hell, man?
Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)
And the noblest of all those early creatures was the dinosaur. Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch?
Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!
Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key. Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key.
Don't worry, fish. I'm gonna take care of you, 'cause I know one day you'll do the same for me. I'm sorry, but your friend doesn't have insurance. I don't care what it costs. Just make this man well again. Thank you, fish.
Careful. She could be hiding behind any one of these statues. Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph. Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off!
Oh, my God! You're Jason Mraz! No, I'm not. I'm just some guy with a hat. Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is!
Oh, Hello, Alexis. Heard you might not enter the competition this year. Smart move. Yes. Well, There are more important things in life than a piano competition. Oh, Yes. Especially for those who have no-- Ooh, That's cold! Chance. For your information, I have a student that could whip you.
- All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck!
I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno? She totally betrayed me!
- Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No?
but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois.
I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me?
They're-- They're-- They're cracking...
Ahh! ahh! AHh!
Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable.
You were real nice to me, Glenn, nicer than any other guy's been, but I wanted to be somebody's wife, not somebody's burden. Good luck to you, sweetie. And good luck to you, Charmese. Thanks. You're very special to me. I'm sorry my urine melted a hole through your toilet. Aw.
This is like the trivia thing before the movie where they got, like, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that. QUAGMIRE: Tim Honks from The Money Pot? Yeah, that's right, yeah. So can you help me? QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, find a hot girl and touch her. I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting.
Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission. (YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you!
So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff. But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.
Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods?
Hiya, kids, it's Peter Griffin's champagne dance party. And, oh, we got a hot one today.
Girls, girls, girls!
Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.
See? Boom! Right there! I told you! This is where Santa Claus lives! In your face! I don't believe it. It's here. Damn right, it's here! Now, while you think about the fact that you're never going to enjoy a nocturnal breast-feeding from Lois, I shall open the gate.
(EXCLAIMING) Stewie, what is happening to this thing? Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian. I've been having some trouble with mine, too. Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good. Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely. Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there?
(GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. There was someone I had to see first. Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies,
So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
Once a man at his physical peak brought down by a cruel twist of fate. Why? With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie. Joe, you've got to accept your limitations. Why don't you just ask me to lay down and die?
(CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon! Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party. That was awesome! Yeah.
Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team. That's a winner in my book. Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady.
She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes
I get that way when I watch Handy Manny. So is that why we came here? Were you gonna end it? No, I was just putting money in my Christmas club. God, I have to get one of those. You know, last year I only had $30 saved when the holidays came around. I was so embarrassed. I think I gave Meg tape.
So, um, would you want to do something sometime?
A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!
Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool.
Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)
Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache?
I have AIDS.
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex? Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple.
If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!
(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)
I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois? Now we know what to get him for Christmas. I love the holidays. Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control. He's terrorizing the whole family.
Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future. We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig?
I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online.
It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose?
Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house?
Wah! Wah!
And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. I hurt myself changing this tire!
Jeez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic. Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?
See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.
(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...
Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal. It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death.
It's not prostitution.
Hey, how you doing there?
Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil. Meet George Jetson
I am a Nielsen god.
DIRECTOR: Okay, cut. Neil Armstrong. Wait a minute. You're supposed to be on the moon. I just saw it on TV. There's a...tape delay. And solar winds....
Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you. Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride.
Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual.
Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois.
The port is quite good. Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed. Is it raining again? Hey, Did you hear the one about us?
Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.
But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded.
- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!
Okay, what else do we got? Well, we got these hot peppers but you can't really eat them.
and that kind of bums me out, so I got you this Cookie Puss. (CHUCKLES) Isn't that funny? Look at that weird nose. I think your nose is weird.
(LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that? PETER: Then, over millions of years, evolution took its course.
(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart.
Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation. We saw Reality Bites together. (GRUNTS) You guys, I found him! He went that way! (GRUNTS)
Dad, I need some advice. I need to know how to get a girl to like me. Chris, buddy, there's a million ways to do that. You just got to do something simple, like Vincent van Gogh. It's.... What is this? It's my ear. Do you like it? You don't like it. No, I like it. But it's just.... Why your ear?
Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.
- That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys.
God! You're more clueless than Popeye.
causing World War III.
Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication. And it's not even your name on the label. What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama?
Well, excuse me for being retarded. My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white. You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...!
Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger...
In fact, I got you a bunch of new, top-notch, American-made stuff. What else did you buy? Oh, a couple things, that light fixture, new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra, your garbage disposal, your dishwasher, and your new cat. (MOOING)
Bring money.
(BUNNIES SQUEAKING) I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this. Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast?
You tell me.
Hey, Mom, I want you to meet my new girlfriend.
Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls. (OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.
Shut the fuck up.
Get up, you jerk.
This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion. (MUSIC PLAYING) Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown.
Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton.
Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for?
Look, they're all eating each other, anyway! (SNARLING)
Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!
We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.
Get off my plane!
is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men.
- Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck! Hey, everybody. I'm home from work. My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office?
Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama! Um... You know something, Brian?
I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back.
So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club.
Stewie, my baby! I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn. Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.
you'll think you gave Chris Brown an STD.
Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie!
Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois,
10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter!
Joe! I don't believe it! You're walking! I am! I am! (SIGHS) I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Joe, I love you! I love you so much! I love you, too, Bonnie!
Batman and Robin.
"Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian? Hi, I'm Greg Louganis. I'm totally shaven. Terrific! Terrific.
Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too,
Anyway, it was a horrible place where they took away everybody's African names and gave them new names.
I think that can be arranged. A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.
Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.
I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this!
You've made me feel so unattractive lately that I went and did something disgusting and abhorrent, and I'm ashamed of myself. Peter, I made out with Meg's boyfriend. You made out with Meg's boyfriend? How the hell could you do that to me? Because, Peter, you've been making me feel old and fat and unattractive and worthless.
I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane? I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him. He's probably hurt, or lost, or--or--or shanghaied by pirates! That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!
Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff.
I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady.
Give it a rest I told you not until we're married Who's got the gal with all the snazz? You do! Who's got the fella with pizzazz? You do! Who's got the greatest love in the world? You do!
(SCREAMING IN TERROR)
Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die!
Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits.
Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.
It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now. CELL PHONE RINGER: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right? Really? Well, how many library assistants did they pick?
I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags! This means war!
reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope She's gonna breathe on it first wipe it on her blouse She takes a bite, chews it once
No, Gina. I'm not. You're not? No. There's something about him. He's not like the other guys. I actually really like him. You do? Yeah. In fact, I'm going to his house for dinner tonight so I can meet his parents. Wow! Connie D'Amico is coming to my house for dinner!
Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future.
It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy
(SLURRING) Okay, so here's the game. I'm... I'm drunk and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids. Oh, Dad, do we have to... Ow! Don't cry! Don't cry! Game's over if you cry. (SLURRING) I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this.
By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what, the real storm's in here. Okay. The emotional storm. Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's... Come here, come here.
Where have you been? Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job. Dropped some pepperoni on there.
Eh, it wasn't so perfect back then, either. And so I say unto you, Sons of Liberty, no longer will free men live under the yoke of giant predatory birds. Shrieking, swooping down, stealing our livestock. What's going on in here? Nothing, uh, just bellyaching about the British.
"I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.
Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here
And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Redneck Comedy Tour featuring Stink Fleaman. You know you're a redneck if you come from a rural area and behave as such. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (MALE ANNOUNCER READING) Oh, that dog of mine!
All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote.
I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me! - Well, how... Can you get up? - I'll try.
Is Lady Gaga a douche?
Hey, guys, watch your step in there. That floor's gonna be dripping in virgin olive oil. - That's kind of hot. - Gross. Hello, we are the three wise men. We came here following a star. Those two statements contradict each other. We also come bearing gifts. I brought frankincense. I brought myrrh. And I brought you a breast pump,
That's fake. Come on, Meg.
Meg, ugly!
Allison Janney? QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible!
Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom!
Dad, it's Mom. Oh, God! Please be Somerset Maugham. Please be Somerset Maugham. Hello? Peter? Damn!
(TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery. I don't get it, John. How's a pig gonna help us lure the mummy? Rush, I've never known a Democrat to pass up pork. (SNICKERING)
Now, about that sedan... (EXCLAIMS) Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game. We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot. Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank.
You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong? Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney.
lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on
just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we? Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker.
Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...
(GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.
Put me through to the Pentagon.
(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES)
Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man. Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass? Yeah, come on over.
Hey, What's up, Pete? Long time no see. Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you. Well, I owe that to my better half. Who is it, sir?
(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch!
All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out. Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard?
Well, you never see a gray-haired one. So inspiring. Mom, there's a row open up there. Oh, good, I like sitting in the front. Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen.
But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!
Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and...
You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel
because I know how to talk dirty to the ladies. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good. Spit in my mouth.
Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool.
No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower! And I'm a boy! (ALL EXCLAIMING) A perfectly normal little boy! Who also happens to be a transvestite. Which begins with the letter "T."
(SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.
Well, actually, Diddy hired a guy to close his mouth for him. I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
(SIGHS) I can't do it. You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed.
Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess. Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that?
(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy!
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?
Oh, My God! oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way ow!
Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.
CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fouad. (FOUAD LAUGHING) So, without further dudes, let's watch this thing.
TOM: This is unacceptable!
Really? Shannon Doherty told me that once. But I thought she was just being a bitch.
We didn't know who that woman was! It's not our fault!
My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow.
PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House.
Peter is not very discreet with private matters. PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman. GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning...
And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For example, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around, watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but who after you told her of your intentions,
Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois, but look on the bright side.
I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird. Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.
Okay, Doc, we got to have a talk at some point, but Brian, are... Are you... Are you sure about this? Well, there's no harm in seeing if I'm compatible.
DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool.
Yeah. It's an erotic book. I bought it at that sex shop.
and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.
Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar idea like that. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter? Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down. At least you've still got Batman and the... It was Batman Meets... You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son?
Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur. Oh, my God! Everyone I touch turns into Robin Williams! Yes! Peter "Sweet Cheeks" Griffin, you have been given the power from God.
This'll be much better than that vacation we took with The Price is Right yodeler. (YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.
Wonder what the hell happened to them. BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help.
I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL... Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent but you might want to tell Lois the truth.
Now what are we gonna do? We have no money.
Fuck you.
Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.
Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. Now, look, Brian, there's a difference between being concerned and being overprotective. Now that's a dad talking. That is a dad talking, Quagmire. You're right. You can't hold your kids back.
Sir, will you please stop staring at me?
Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you? Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
like the whole Irish nation When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule
Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!
(ELECTRICITY SURGING) Oh, my God! You're Robin Williams! Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine!
(YELLING) Sometimes, I like to steal other people's scabs. (YELLING) How do I stay so crazy? Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, pooping in the chimney.
(EXCLAIMS) Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game.
MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit?
Please, help yourself to anything in my corn hole. Hey, don't worry about it. We can still be pals. And I know just the place for us to go and blow off all this steam. We went dancin' Across the USA
Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.
The black ball's done nothing wrong.
I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie.
I like you. I like you.
If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.
Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog Police Force to Cartagena, Colombia, to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder. More on that later. Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase! What the hell are you guys doing in Quahog? We're just doing research for a movie. Oh, my God, that's amazing. You're both living here together? Wait a minute. Are you guys gay? No. No. Yeah. Yes. No. Yeah, maybe sometimes. Depends. No. Undecided.
PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again. He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check. Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself.
And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk. That's right, he got it from me. I swear I didn't know how strong it was. And now he's dead. They're both dead. I don't give a crap about Woodstock, but Snoopy...
Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.
I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)
ANNOUNCER: We now return to America's Next Top Model.
All right, that is it!
I mean, he's so damn sweet and saccharine and perfect, and he's turning the family into a bunch of douches. Big deal. You always told me I was a douche. Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again. Hi, I'm looking for Glenn? Oh! What happened to your leg?
Lucky there's a family guy
(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again.
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.
Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face. Please! I've had it up to here with Ewoks. Now, stab him and wear his face! And then go home to his family still wearing his face, and see how long it takes them to figure out that it's you and not him. Hold it right there! You rebel scum.
(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man?
JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me.
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!
Then we can say that we spent the night. Everyone will think we're the bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. All right!
But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard. Ahh!
They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?
Well, I don't know what you mean by that,
Oh, no. I dropped my glasses. Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance? Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry. Are you sure you took it? Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't.
You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING)
Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.
What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy. Ok, so a couple of things have gone wrong.
You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.
Hey, somebody give me a beer.
Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky!
Oh, no!
(ANNOUNCER READING)
CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!
We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.
I mean, this is my dad we're talking about!
(LION ROARING) (TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef. - Up yours, Sting! - Yeah, yeah! Hey, what's that song he does that I hate? Uh, Desert Rose.
What the hell? Stop with that! You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors. That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it? - Pretty much. - You can't write.
You folks want some pancakes?
I love you, too, Tom.
Hi, everybody. This is Scott.
I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say, "Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger." Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are? All right? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me. (CHUCKLING) So all we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we'll have our murder weapon, and if we're lucky,
Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?
Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one. Okay, thank you. Did you wash my car like I asked? No, but I hit it with a rock. Okay, thanks. Brian, I think my jaw is falling off.
Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.
Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze!
In fact, she always says the best memories she has are when you kids were born. Aw, jeez, Meg, that's it. This day is more for your mom than it is for Stewie. Aw, With all she's given us, she oughta get whatever she wants. And, Meg, today she wants you to be with the family. Really? Aw, Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like. Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact quahog police immediately. One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase,
Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it.
Well, okay, uh, for one thing, they always land on their feet. Watch.
Fuck. Stewie, I don't care what it takes.
Oh, Stewie! You're adorable! Yes, Yes. I rather like the sash, But do the Huggies make my ass look big? Peter, come on! You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed.
(GROWLING PLAYFULLY) "I'm swimming at night 'cause I'm a slut "and now I'm paying the price for it." (PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie. Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh!
No way!
Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I--
Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do.... Just a city boy
(TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) (SHOUTING) He needs to deliver this message before the construction-site contracts are handed down. (TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER) It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to! So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! (SHOUTS) What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers!
Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track? OH... Let's not do this. Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE! Yeah, listen, don't help or anything. I'm totally fine. Damn IrisH.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
And don't lie, or I'll tell Jennifer Connelly that you're the one who's been mailing her those dog heads. Yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore. Okay, fine, Meg!
Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that. Hey, I've already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen.
"Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you.
Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too. I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt. Whoops. "Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me.
drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.
You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history!
"And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said,
Hey, you! Pick up that poop.
I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico? Hi, is this Room 214?
So the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, is he? If I'm to defeat him, I shall require professional forceS. Here we are. "Come to Managua, "the Mecca of mercenaries." I must prepare for my journey. Let's see. Grenades, mace, baggy full of Cheerios...
only to find out that none of it really happened... I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way. Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...
All right, we'll go get him. But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction - that drastically alters the present. Really? No, you can do whatever you want. Come on.
You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.
Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)
Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one!
And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit."
That just makes me want you more, you know? Come on, man. Let's just... Let's just go nuts. Let's just... No, I said... I don't... Come on! I don't want... No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right! Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far.
Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam. Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.
Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone!
In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing--
is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us
Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.
I'm sorry, I don't understand. The position has been filled. The position has been filled. Thank you very much. You can go now. Leave! Now!
Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish!
WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk!
Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing?
I'm just going to have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.
All right. Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition. Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man, that was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie? (SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie."
Griffin, Griffin. Here it is.
(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own.
What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires! Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. aah!
(ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING) Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck. Hey, Meg, I need to see the Mayor about this $400 parking ticket.
Except for that time we went to see Phantom of the Opera. Music is the gift I give to you PETER: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here! That nose better be piggy. - Shut up. - You shut up.
You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.
Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson? JEFFERSON: Here. Benjamin Franklin? FRANKLIN: Here. John Footpenis? HANCOCK: It's Hancock now. Why? HANCOCK: Mind your business, that's why. Well, somehow this school needs to raise its test scores right away! I suppose there is one thing I can do to raise the school's test average. Then do it!
And After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis.
Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
Sure.
Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake.
nice ass.
Where's my money? Don't you walk out on me!
holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da. Here. Make sure you get all this. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? No. Not necessarily.
Yeah. Say that after a fortnight in town, bitch.
We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.
Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam!
Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING)
(GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms. Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.
LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right? Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt with you.
I... I lost my temper onstage. I... I got heckled, and went into a rage and said some very nasty things to some Afro-Americans.
Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES)
Easy!
I'm too stupid to make up my own mind.
How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal!
Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you? What are you, nuts? Shut up, round-eye!
I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.
Isn't that right, Scottish chipmunk? Yeah, he doesn't talk, but he's a chipmunk, and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.
Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself?
Yes. Isn't he the cutest little cutie-wutie? Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING)
Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING)
You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!
You bitch! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh!
Where did they go? There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left! Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.
All right, here they come. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner. Oh, no, you're not, Joe. We have a new policy. Can't you read the sign? Peter, what the hell is that all about?
But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. You bastards!
I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick. Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton,
Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket.
Mambo!
(SOFTLY) Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, I promise you, it's fine. Lois. Lois, Lois. I will decide what is best for my child, all right? Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son. Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. Feed him whatever you want.
Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.
What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.
Well.... Please, just take care of yourself, honey. Hey guys. ls everyone on the phone? " got to go. Something's in the oven. " lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie.
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.
Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well.
- Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman. This is where they edit the show together. Lauren, we got a rough cut of next week's episode. Can you cue that up, Terry? Sure. I need to be, like, fine to be alone. And, like, not even want to date someone.
This is Tom Tucker with some breaking news. NASA has made the alarming announcement that the newly discovered black hole at the edge of our solar system appears to be expanding. Neptune and Pluto have already been consumed, and scientists estimate that the event horizon will reach Earth by tomorrow. That's right, Tom. Which means that all life on Earth will be destroyed within 24 hours.
God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!
Peter, what is all this? Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig?
Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?
(RETCHING) Whoa!
Hey, you guys. DREYFUSS: Finally, there was Cleve Brown, my pudgy black friend. I can still see him now, all pudgy and black. Cleve, please. We're busy looking at Playboy. Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds. This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body?
But then you oil it up, work your fingers around in there a little, and pretty soon, you're pitching and catching.
I can't date someone who's smarter than I am.
(BEEPING) All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter?
I got first place, Dad.
family guy Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Where are you going?
What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude.
This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.
Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives. Aw, I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kind of rooting against him.
Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot!
Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe.
Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.
God, I don't think I could have been any clearer the last time I turned him down. Ra y, your mother insulted my steak pizzola again. Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty.
Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something? Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him...
This textbook is from 1896.
I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois.
MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off! Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it.
Shall we?
That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill.
Rob? Did you hear that? Hear what? I swear I heard something. (SIGHS) Adam, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet.
How do these jeans look?
That's a great shirt, by the way. I may have made out with Meg. Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.
looks like we made it Brian, right on time. I like that. Come in. So, ready? Ready to shoot your first scene? I sure am. Where's the set? 2nd door on your left.
(GROANS) (SCREAMS)
(EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?
Wait. Is Peter not coming to bed?
Well, there's a whole section of the Torah dedicated to burning down your business. Right after the chapter on writing complaint letters that will result in compensatory merchandise. "Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve.
WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you!
I'll let you have sex with my daughter. I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like. She's right there. Okay, I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop? I think that can be arranged.
Lois? Hey, Lois, honey? Sweetheart? Oh, You're awake! Hey, uh, can you hand me the pretzels? Here. Where are we?
Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him.
That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own.
Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog.
Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face. Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
I take baby home.
Arthur Curry!
Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What?
Well, here we are. That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin.
That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!
Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.
Okay, let's see. You want to go for a walk? It's working. Do more! You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion.
Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?
Huh? What about incest, Peter? What's incest?
It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus! Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?
STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine.
Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum.
You're such a cutie patootie.
D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!
Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?
Well, check this twice! ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa!
MORT: Why isn't the time machine working? I swear to God, Mort, I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.
I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related. Anyway, I thought him sharing that beer with me was the coolest thing ever. And I know nowadays, things are different. So, I got some crystal meth.
There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay,
(ROARING) All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!
You get started with this drywall, and I'm gonna start pulling out those old floorboards in the kitchen. Hey, Brian. Knock, knock. Who's there? (WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together. Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary.
Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!
Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years.
Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?
Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail. But first, the winners of this year's costume contest: the A-Team with the real black guy. Sweet! All right! All right! Okay, you can stop with that cigar now, Gary. My sinuses will thank you.
Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water?
(LAUGHING) She's such an idiot, Brian! She's such an idiot! Yeah. You know something, Brian? I bet you make the late-night monologues. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style."
Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?
Oh, man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque. They played one of my audience requests. Way awesome. I myself drank, like, 5 liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man. (CHUCKLES) You said it, friend. But I wanted to stay, 'cause I almost had sex on this girl.
And I got a little surprise for you. In that contract you signed, you got to keep the corporate plane! (GASPS) Yeah! Peter, how are you doing that? I don't know, Lois. I'm scared. Well, come down. I can't. Get help. Call somebody.
Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.
He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink.
(PETER STUTTERING)
Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What in blazes is this? I thought you said we were going to church. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough to follow his own vision. Please rise.
Not bad.
(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe.
Right on the refrigerator. That way, we'll get to see it every day.
We'll be as out of place there as a black guy in Sweden. ALL: Ooh! (SPEAKING MOCK SWEDISH)
Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star! Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby?
You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen...
Got some dessert for you.
Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas. Ugh.
Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass. The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me.
And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.
Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book.
Ok, Fast-forward. You're a businessman, and you manage a lot of people. And Here comes Henderson and he lost the big account. You're mad. Madder. Madder! Come on. Hot, hot, Hot, hot, hot! Ooh, ooh, There it is. You got it. And Fast-forward. You're an old man now. You're on your deathbed.
(BOTH MOANING) All right, come on, everyone. Go get dressed. It's ballet night. (ALL GROANING) Lois, don't freaking put me through this again. Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you? No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And with a name like The Nutcracker,
Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee
(BELCHING)
Scumbag.
No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this.
Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...
I'll set the mood. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well, don't you know about the bird?
Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl.
(GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything!
By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun!
Hey, Meg. Take that!
You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING)
"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow. Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee!
Jeez, every cop in town is here. I know. Who do you think is taking care of the city? No. No. No. No. MAN: What the hell? Come on! No drive. Is wet.
Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.
Monkey, grab my hand! (SCREAMING)
(GASPS) He must've got the part. When he going to meet Evita? Not every play is Evita. Oh, no. I feel terrible.
Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spinoff. See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?
A ha! Excellent! They detached the human component from the machine. Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go! Engage! Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system. Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter. There you are. I can't turn my back on you for a second.
Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!
Love is more than just a game for two Two in love can make it Take my heart and please don't break it Love was made for me and... (SCREAMS)
Look, Warden, we got it rough in here. I just thought we could use a little music. Music is expressly forbidden inside prison walls. My God! How can you be so obtuse? What did you call me? Obtuse. You're being obtuse. Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse? No, now you're being acute.
In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay
and we want you to become a member. - Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent. You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet. You'll be kept as healthy as a horse. So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it?
God, I hate this freaking cat.
All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
BRIAN: Stupid cat!
I just hate being around the kids. What?
(PHONE RINGING) HELEN: Hello? Hi, Aunt Helen. It's Peter, Lois and the whole family. We're calling to say Merry Christmas. Peter's lowest what? We were just calling to... Are you there, dear? I hope you got our card. We had quite a cold snap here.
What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it.
- Hey, Greg. - Afternoon, Mr. Griffin. - Mrs. Griffin out today? - Shopping.
Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No--
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And here's John Wayne Gacy at the first Thanksgiving. "I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD! Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy.
Oh, God! I think I just miscarried!
Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.
As you may recall, he hates you. Wouldn't help me anyway. It's a hopeless situation. If you ever want to get anywhere with this girl, you gotta ditch that negative attitude. You're as bad as Negatron. Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope. Not going to work. Oh, come on. What did we talk about?
(PLAYING SOOTHING TUNE)
Nazi stuff?
We had the abortion.
(CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING)
Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true. That's right, little buddy. What do you want most in the whole world? In the whole world, you say? Oh, What the hell.
who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day. I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day. Come on, say the line. Oh, oh, there he is.
What? I didn't mean to...
Your breath and this squash racquet. (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) I like kangaroos. Oh, sure you do. Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you a kangaroo T-shirt. And she wants me to come over to her house tonight to work on a special project.
Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication.
(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.
Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated. Chris, I don't like that language. Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry. You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli.
With the fellows at the freakin' FCC
(CROWD CHEERING) I'll finish it later.
(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out. (GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING)
Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole.
Ok, Can anybody tell me what the square root of the hypotenuse is when... Chris, is that a note? No. Yes, it is. Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? No. Just read it, Lardo. "I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room.
I'm gonna be kicking butts and taking names! And then giving those names to other people whose butts I kick. (GRUNTS) - What's your name? Derek. What's your name? (GRUNTS) Michael. You're Derek now!
You've made me feel so unattractive lately that I went and did something disgusting and abhorrent,
Tony Robbins hungry!
Huh. Didn't realize Greenberg was a Jedi name.
And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan. Do I at least call him Jon? No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys?
Why not? Why not?
All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with Purple Hearts.
Learn to live with it, Bonnie!
That is enough. You, you struck me.
Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up!
Oh, you are living la Vida loca. Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here. Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys.
What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea. Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. All right. Let's do it!
What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie.
Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives.
We were just about to sing a song about mopping. We're mopping the deck which is Navy for "floor" And when we're done mopping we'll mop it some more "Swab" means "mop" "deck" means "flooR" coulD you Tell me when you're leaving to go back in tiME?
You want to be a puppet? Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on. Spread your tiny wings and fly away! (MUFFLED SINGING) Come on, Anne, sing along. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch. The one I love forever is untrue
- Joanie? - Yeah? I don't have herpes. I just needed to know that you'd stay. You say I only hear what I want to I've had it. The only place in town that's got power is Superstore USA while the rest of us are left to bake in the heat. There's gotta be something we can do to take that place down.
Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you! I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly.
We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company
Giraffity.
Dear diary. Jackpot!
(PEOPLE GASPING) That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped.
Ouch. Well, Brian, looks like you're the odd man out, like a non-praying mantis. Bless us, O Lord, for these gifts we are about to receive. Help us to be mindful of all our blessings, and... (MUNCHING)
What's wrong with the TV? Nothing, Chris. All the shows are in widescreen now, so you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.
Oh, God, my life is over. I am the biggest loser I know! I know how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, tOO. It's a girl! Can you check again? You just have to remember that life has its little ups and... Jeez!
Come on, that's right, you bastard. Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here.
Lionel Richie's Can't Slow Down? Great album, Lois. Great album. I didn't know who I was until I heard this album. (HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear.
I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!
You're like a black woman in hindsight.
You can't pick me. I'm a captain. No one had ever stood up to me like that before. I respected him from there on out. That's a great story, Grandpa. I didn't like it. None of my grandchildren had ever disliked one of my stories before. From then on, he was my favorite. Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa.
I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!
Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't. Road House.
Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.
You know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you. I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois. Peter, I'm only asking you to do your share. Well, it's getting on my nerves. Like, right now, you are the most annoying thing in my life, with the possible exception of Evite. What's this? It's this website you can use to invite people to stuff.
That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know? I... I lost my temper onstage.
It's ok. Take your time. Then what happened? He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"
"0, Captain! my Captain!" Well, if it works for you, I guess.... "0, Captain! my Captain!" What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "0, Captain! my Captain!" In your case, I'd get the money up front. Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now.
by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard,
STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing.
'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, oh, is that what that is? Let me just peel that right off. So, uh, what are you gonna read after that one? Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn! And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING)
(SCREAMING) Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my tree house.
And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today. And now, new Lady Scream in a Box. (WOMAN SCREAMING) Finally, a scream that's right for me!
Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Hey, where's everybody going?
I'm gonna be on a cereal box. Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no! Now pay attention, Junior. You want to keep your shoulders straight and your knees bent,
What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... (IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop?
Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire. I will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.
All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe.
Death, that was totally worth it. It was even better than the time I stumbled into that fat, lonely women's club.
The end. (ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad.
"Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club! Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please!
I want to have a baby with you. And I want to be there when you die giving birth to it. And so ends the tale of Griffin Peterson and the founding of Quahog. Well, what a bunch of delightfully colorful characters! So, is that it?
Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats. And it plays a tune that's fun for the young children. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta
And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel,
Oh, my God! I meant to hit you in the shoulder, and that whole thing just fell! - Did you see that? - What? - That whole thing just fell. - How? I don't know. He was up there like, "I can't do this," I threw the thing, and I just meant to hit him in the arm, and then the whole thing fell. Well, that's good, right? We want him hurt. Are you using your brain? We're lucky if we come out of this without a lawsuit.
Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons. A stunning development tonight as O.J. Simpson is proven innocent. We have the identity of the real killer. But first...
GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit.
Shit!
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something.
We haven't made love in two weeks. We haven't made love ever!
Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today.
Um, nothing much.
Huh. Hard to believe your marriage isn't working out. A rose for the gentleman? What? No. Scram. Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt-hole. There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense?
Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy.
You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har. Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!
Don't. Just don't. If I had known having a son could be like this... How dare you? I didn't know! You have no right, man. No right. It wasn't my fault. (CRYING) You weren't there for me. Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay.
What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on. Mmm-hmm. The black dolphins. See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down. I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson. And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line.
Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating. We should form a club. All right, name something you find in your bathroom. Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating." (ALL CHEERING)
The story of the Griffin family history. Here's how it all began. Everything started with the big bang. It was a Saturday night, and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. (CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated!
I couldn't afford to get you what I got you last year. I know how you like that song, so I got you two turtledoves. Where did you get these? I went to a scientist and had them genetically engineered. Fly, beautiful turtledoves. Bring Christmas cheer to all.
This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us.
Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this!
Look, there's a magical land of desserts right behind you. (BOTH LAUGHING) Help! Stop!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch.
PETER: We are all-powerful! Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. Silence! We demand obedience! Or else! Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though.
"Black-Eye" Griffin and his family were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.
Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started. Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell. And now you're gonna pay for it. So get ready, fuckers.
I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00.
Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.
Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on! Hey, Hey, show me Morgan Fairchild in Deep something. Huh? Huh? Huh? Ah, You don't care. Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready? Yes, Mr. Griffin, even though no one else has any pillows now.
Well, You might want to bring some cash with ya. 'Cause, You know, some places don't take credit cards. But, Mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card. Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling? Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!
I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah! Excuse me, Your Honor? Yes? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times.
Like hell you are! What are you talking about, Peter? We ain't goin' nowhere. This bar belongs to us. (BELLS CHIMING) Ice cream truck! You didn't get any ice cream? The ice cream man was handsome. I got nervous.
Great. Put your wig on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Shut up! This is real. (LAUGHING) You're watching Hannah Montana? Well, yeah. To make fun of it. I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes and her makeup, and that fabulous hair and... Oh, my God, Brian! It's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever!
(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops!
Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.
Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)
Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.
You're all here because you've made a choice to renounce your evil, sinful ways, and redeem yourselves in the eyes of your Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who hates many people, but none more than homosexuals. And through our carefully structured program, you will succeed. All right, men. This is Harry the Homosexual. Say hi to everyone, Harry.
...6, 5, 4...
- Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be? Ahh!
Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead!
And that's Connie.
Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--
Goal!
I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned Shooting commies Drinking deer blood Peeing in the radiator Look up there
from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. This is my bit. These are all my bits. (SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable.
She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!
My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped.
Now, let's find out who you really are.
GrEAT, The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again. Well, I'll show them! I'll show all of them! Oh, my God, that hurts! Oh, no, You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that anklE. This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know.
We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.
Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! That works. Okay. If you want to teach us a lesson... Yeah, that's even better. All right, if that's what you... Wait a minute!
Hurry up! You did it! Wait. Put it back. I like that song. Montgomery Clift who was in From Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster, who was in Atlantic City with Susan Sarandon,
Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."
There's the guy who sits beside you And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list
- (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye!
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,
Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils. Oh, uh, Hey, kids. I'm, uh, uh, Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas. But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian. Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him. Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian.
Dry plain? Dusty field? Nice to get out of the swamp? What a croc! And that's where we get the term. Hey, New Brian. Bad news. You gotta leave. Huh? What are you talking about?
Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson. Oh, Archie. I can't see out of my sheet! Edith, will you stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus.
(TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.
You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.
(GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING) Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian.
Would you give me a hug for luck? No, no, no, I'm not done yet. Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly?
He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement. Do you know why I stopped you? I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding. (LAUGHING)
Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.
Well, Peter, I'm glad you're all right, but I hope this is the end of your skydiving career. Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois. You know, when I thought I was gonna die, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and we did way too much Star Wars crap.
Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him.
I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!
She's not that old. Old is Malcolm in the Middle in Season 15.
I try to push you out of the ring. Ok? Ready? 1, 2, 3! ow. What--What the hell? What the hell?
(GIGGLING) (SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING)
(MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)
Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man.
- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.
You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!
Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!
Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.
Later, dink!
I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower. The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found,
And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks! Hey, how do you like that, Lois? We're gonna live! Peter, what did you mean by what you said? You hate being around the kids? Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives?
What's your beef, stranger?
And look, there's Winston Churchill! Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit. Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems.
Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.
Can I count to 3? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL.
JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here!
Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me?
A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
...on TBS.
I am so fucking ready...
Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home. Don't look, Marion. Okay. By the way, I'm pregnant. Maybe just one quick peak. Come on, people, he obviously did it.
Well, I'd do a better job of it than you! Oh, you think so, huh? Well, maybe you'd like to try it for a little while. You be the adults! What do you mean? I mean, maybe we try a little experiment. You kids switch places with your dad and me. For the next week, you'll be the parents and we'll be the kids. Seriously? Yeah, that'd be awesome!
(ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea.
Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice. Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there?
Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!
(MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Checking lottery tickets Looking at the numbers And seeing if they match the ones on the news If they do, then we're winners If they don't Then we put them in the designated pile for tickets we already checked This is taking forever That's why Brian is yawning
Mmm, I know where I go when I want to relax. I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.
Ah. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. (BELL DINGS) Damn it! (CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!
Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.
Stupid, greedy savages! Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their way. But most Native Americans are proud, hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.
You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!
Well, that's a no-brainer. Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.
I think we lost them. You stay here. I'm gonna go bury this film. Well, Mel Gibson, this is one piece of crap the world will never have to suffer through. I am so clever. That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war.
Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out!
Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ALL: Ah, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la
As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale.
Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died. Yeah, that happened, like, 12 years ago. But I just watched Tommy Boy yesterday. He was right there. Yeah, that's a movie. It's shot beforehand. It's not happening right now.
Ruh-roh. Remocrats.
Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you.
Hey, tweeps! JK, I don't follow you, you're lame. But look who just got herself a sick new tat. MEG: Oh, my God, Mom! I know, I can't believe it either. I guess one of my flaws is I'm just kind of brave. No, that's great actually, because now anyone walking behind you will know that you had $60. Wow! That is awesome, Lois!
Meg, I'm Jimmy Fallon. It's great to finally meet you. I'm hosting. Why don't you come hang out in my dressing room? - What are you looking at? - Nothing. Come on, let's go. Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control. I mean, what if she develops a coke problem?
Because not only do condoms fail 100 percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would you? STUDENT: No.
Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.
This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here. A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane. (CRYING) (SHUSHING) It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING)
Here, go ahead, do what you just did, but with me. Ow! Oh, my God! (BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow!
Good morning, this is Principal Sloan. Mr. Griffin, you be been reassigned. Please report to Rem edial English. Reassigned? Can I at least come down to your office and talk to you about this? No. I'm afraid I'm far too busy today. Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower.
Wrong! They're looking for bastards like me! (MURMURING) Mort, how many times you been laid since your wife died? Do Muriel's clothes count? No! You wanna know how many times I've been laid since last night? 60! Why? 'Cause I'm not trying to be a girl's Prince Charming.
It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this. Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God. I thought we were friends.
That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.
Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.
I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time.
Oh-oh. Peter, if you'd just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this.
Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)
Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night! What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.
I just want to kill myself!
This has been Tricia Takanawa with the news. And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car. You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like washing board! Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad.
God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum?
Come here, Jesse. Smell my finger.
Ow! Ow! What was the point of all that? All it does is shoot you. It doesn't make breakfast at all.
Coming here was a huge mistake, Lois. Peter, I know you're humiliated, but getting drunk is not the answer. Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING)
Oh, God, what is this? I feel like I'm on acid or something. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where everything is depicted as a Washington Post political cartoon. Good Lord, I'm naked! And why am I holding a dinner platter that says "McCain-Feingold"? (LAUGHING) That's pretty good. That's funny.
Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade in-the-same-room-make-outs. "Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club! Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes,
Happy birthday!
Yes! I win again, Andy. Come on, mate. One more before the missus notices I'm not snoozin' on the couch. Too late! hey, Careful, Quagmire. Don't--Don't get too close to that thing. Ah!
So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.
"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.
Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian. You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house.
And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer. STEWIE: Lois? (SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom?
But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys.
Peek-a-boo! I see you!
(SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS)
You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case!
Shut up, Chris!
You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers
No, Brian! You keep that thing away from me! Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh? Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING) Here's 50 bucks. I'm taking this album.
Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.
Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own. Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.
Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh!
There's an adult with a lemonade stand. That Chinese restaurant still has the sign from when it was a mechanic. I don't want to eat lo mein where they were just changing mufflers. There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life up there. What a mess. I'm telling you, the Founding Fathers would be very disappointed in where their country ended up.
Hey, you guys, check out the look on Lois's face when I do this. (TIRES SQUEALING) LOIS: Peter! Clean that up, you idiot!
I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows No stranger to you and me (IMITATING DRUMS)
He's going all the way to Vermont for cat gifts and whatnot?
Oh, I do hope so. I've always imagined the most beautiful... (GRUNTING) Damn it! (EXCLAIMS)
Nothing but net. Hi! I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips on blowing up the Death Star.
I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show!
Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo! Hey, He takes after his Uncle Peter.
We're in here, Lois. He's napping.
They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list
Oh, my God, how did he do that?
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Ok, no secrets. I want to share Stewie and Olivia with the world.
No, no! That's not what Mrs. Garrett's bosom looked like. It looked more like this. Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital.
Peter, those are Cheerios.
Mexico! Mexico! I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero all the time when I get back home. Me, too. Mexico! Mexico! That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God. I'm going to go take a dump now, so I don't have to later. Mexico! Mexico!
You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankinD. What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.
(WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)
Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.
(AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
(LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are! Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)
Oh, Screw it. I tried.
Throw that away. I don't want to go. Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night. Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.
You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"? No, I just repress it. As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or
Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys! Chris, I'm not going to the vet.
so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! Oh, I'll leave you to grieve. Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches?
Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.
One minute to opening, everybody. Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap? Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete, like white track stars. On your marks. Get set. White guys, go! I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif Bar before we started. Everybody else!
Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah.
Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club. Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom.
That's the worst one I've ever heard. Look, I'm sorry. I'm exhausted, all right? I didn't get any sleep 'cause Brian and the neighbor's dog kept me up all night. BRIAN: Hello? - Hello? - DOG: Hello. - BRIAN: Are you a dog? - Yes! BRIAN: I am also a dog. - DOG: All right! - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're dogs! - BRIAN: Yeah, we're dogs! DOG: We're dogs that live near each other! DOG 2: Hey, are you guys dogs?
Don't let him sweet talk you like that.
Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?
How could you embarrass me like that?
Then I'll have it made, like the Monopoly guy. Except when he goes directly to jail. MAN: I wish I could tell you that the Monopoly guy fought the good fight, and the sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no fairytale world.
Shit! What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog. Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box.
First you get to run Somalia, now this.
10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy.
We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup. Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors.
Look, in the past you've done terrible things, but it's always been about the pursuit of your greater goal of world domination. But this girl, she just creates chaos for the sake of chaos.
You're trying too hard, death. She's not gonna care what you're wearing. She's just gonna be glad to see you. That's how it was with Lois. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
How can I even think about trying anything? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!
(BAWLING) Ugh. Get a tan.
Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth!
Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton.
Hey, what's that in there? That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space. Oh, cool. Hey, come on, Brian, try it with me. (SCREAMING) Things got crazy so fast.
Done! Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool. Can I try some Red Bull? Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull? Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't. Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five. Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em. (LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says. All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow.
Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!
Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof.
This doesn't look very good.
Bye.
Hey, you guys.
Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)
(THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)
Citizens of Ouahog, we have a problem! You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair! Settle down, Jeffrey! Justin. Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before. And they can be stopped! You can't stop us, Mayor West! PETER: We are all-powerful!
Now, there are a number of natural ways that males and females interact. That's right! Allow me to demonstrate. Hey, Rainbow Brite. Hello, Shakespeare. I am all done writing plays for the day. Perhaps we could have sexual intercourse. Count me in!
(EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.
It's Chris' blanket. We got to do something about this. I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible. Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.
And I met my wife in the service. We had our honeymoon on Alderaan. Good thing we took pictures, huh? (LAUGHING) RECRUITMENT ANNOUNCER: The Empire, chasing Rebel scum, killing Luke's aunt and uncle, telling people to move along. The Empire, our ships are big triangles.
(LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run! Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie?
only to find out that none of it really happened... I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way. Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...
Well, You could have given me some warning! Here's your warning. It's gonna burn like hell in 30 seconds. Now, I like my tea at 4:00, my dinner at 6:00. I take my bath at 7:00 sharp, so I can listen to Paul Harvey. You Will warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials only. It's gonna take you A while to get the rhythm. Paul Harvey moves seamlessly into commercials. By the way, it's been 30 seconds.
Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there.
Who is he?
Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!
Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off.
I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it!
You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little.
MAN 3: The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Oh, that's why they call it that.
I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared. Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape... while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most. Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable! Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich? I don't want to die!
(PRAYING IN HEBREW)
We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.
Stewie? Who's Stewie?
Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26!
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Ohhh!
(LAUGHING) That's the movie Iron Eagle.
Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?
Oh, God, it's so hot. Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum. How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here.
(TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!
Lois, where is my supper?
Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.
uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance? Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry. Are you sure you took it? Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't. No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you. You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it.
Fat man with his kids and dog
So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell! Oh, Here's the paper towels.
I am so fucking ready...
Oh My God! That's not your leG!
I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.
Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business. Husband? Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Come here, baby. Let's head upstairs and play hide-and-go-anal. (LOIS LAUGHING) Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night, and now everything's all messed up.
Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter. That ought to slow them down.
So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
So, What the hell, Brian? You cured yet? I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture, like some Italian family. My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God!
Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love.
Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY) Okay, look, I'm happy to do that. (STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just... Look, what I was saying... Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating!
Here, Stewie. Try this.
A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian.
Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle?
(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?
You what?
I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.
the London Silly Nannies.
I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I.
(GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Hey, do you say anything funny? No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.
And the smell was getting to me, you know. And even though I didn't know the guy, I just dug in and started stuffing that chicken into my mouth. Uh-oh! Embarrassing. I've done that. It was so delicious. But... It wasn't fried chicken. It was a baby! (SOBBING) It was a baby.
Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman."
What the... What the hell is this place? Welcome to DUMP, Deep Underground Military Protection Facility. Wouldn't that be DUMPF? The "F" is silent, like in "knife." We're actually working for the federal government, and we need your help.
Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely.
No, but you can have some Tasty Juice. It has only one-third the sugar of soda. Mmm. Delicious. Thanks, Mom. (WOMAN SINGING)
This is all your fault. And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!
Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?
I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.
To end the show? MAN: Yeah. Yeah.
(LAUGHING) And I've been sampling the nightlife out here. I raised River Phoenix from the dead, then we went out to the Viper Room, and he OD'd again. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone.
So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it. Oh, crap! Did I miss it? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times,
I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later.
Everybody got your balls? I don't have my shoes. Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes? I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me.
Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.
A bit of breaking news.
I think he has stage fright, Peter.
Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay. (STAMMERING) Yes, I am. Well, I'm something 'cause I've been at full-sail for the last half hour. No, Glenn, you're not. I see that now, and the truth is, if you're willing to go this far to get a divorce, then maybe we shouldn't be married after all. What... What are you saying?
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck.
Quagmire! She sounds fat.
BRIAN: Sorry about that!
Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.
(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!
and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. (DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)
What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.
Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh? Huh? Would it not?
What are we watching? Glee?
When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude. Can I just say before... Can we just, like, take two... I love... You're so brave. I just love how brave you're being right now.
Red Five standing by.
Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur.
What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.
So I rushed back to Quahog, and here I am. So what you're saying is we've got a homicidal baby on our hands. Mom! Dad! Stewie's gone! Don't worry, Lois, we'll catch him. Hobey, radio for backup. Uh...
Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree. Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual. Where the hell are those purchase orders? Yeah, it's this bum hand. I can't type with it. Well, that's not my problem. I need to see some improvement by the end of the week,
(SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here! Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family.
And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito! Hey, guys. Well, it's been great to meet you all. And I am looking forward to getting to know you while we're here.
Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.
(PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long-- There's a dog turd in here.
Now that is not true. Oh, yeah? Then why did you pick Martin Luther King? Why not Ronald Reagan? He was always fun, especially in his later years. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash.
Yeah, I'll just put sorcery. Okay. Umm, are you gay, straight, or not sure? Uh, why are you asking me this? It's just... I don't write the questions. I know. It just seems a little personal. Yeah, I understand. You're free not to answer it if that's your choice. No, no, no, it's okay. You can put "not sure." All right. I'm off to Paris.
(LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.
Oh, look, Cleveland finally made it. Oh, hey there, Griffins. (BARKING) CLEVELAND: Oh, that takes me back.
(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later... Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic.
Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away.
Oh, no. You see, if you're one of 10 million Americans like me... Like me. Like me. ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you. Ew!
Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi.
Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.
Move it. Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. I'm very disappointed in you.
Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.
(SCREAMING) Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one.
The revelation, jackass!
Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!
Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Maybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet, and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks! That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God, that is gonna be on YouTube.
- Are you queer? - Probably.
Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you! Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!
I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God,
(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?
what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.
But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us
Let's get loud, let's get loud
Excellent. As soon as I release this biological toxin... into the world's water supply, I will rule the world. I'll call it "Lou Gehrig's Disease." I just have to remember to make sure this cap is screwed on tight. Well, I guess the joke's on me.
Hey! Why is everybody else naked?
Well, chances are Peter never would have survived the surgery. I mean, I mean, dog kidneys? I'm not even sure dogs have kidneys. Do dogs have kidneys? Yes. This... This is the guy.
We now return to Girlfriends on Lifetime. Barry was over last night, and he-- Don't tell me. He left the toilet seat up! Oh, I ran into Frank. It's funny. He fought in Vietnam, he's an exorcist, but there is one thing that terrifies him-- Commitment!
You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.
Longing for some solitary company Oh, Joe. Oh, Bonnie. He turned to me as if to say... Can you ever forgive me? It's going to take some time, Joe. Rest of your life okay?
It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A
Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own. Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set. All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this. Don't worry, Peter. I'll only work out during my downtime.
Good evening. I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for women everywhere. And also, the Jews. Good night. Thank God, we're finally here. That plane ride took forever.
This turn of events came after Vatican scientists announced today that the devil is not the greatest threat to salvation due to last week's discovery of the super devil. Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story. Thanks, Duke. Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil.
Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!
And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here!
Oh, lois, It's horrible. I was cleaning her house all day. It's the worst job I've ever had. Well, except for one. Uh, Excuse me. Would you like to taste my smoked-meat log? Here you go. Enjoy your food. Enjoy your studio apartment.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jackass. Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready? (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God! (LAUGHING) These guys are hilarious.
Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today. (SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain. But he didn't wish hard enough! It only worked on me head!
Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts. Oh come on. I don't have much time. (SIGHS)
but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.
Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie.
Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman. You sure you got time to smoke?
Shut the fuck up.
That was a cold swish. Put her there. No, no, no, no. (ALL LAUGHING)
But the evil monkey lives in my closet. Of course, he hasn't been as evil since he became a Jehovah's Witness.
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?
A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks.
MAN: (ON TV) We now return to The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up. And the Yew Nork Nankees bave heaten the Oltimore Borioles nive to foo here at Yamden Cards. The Borioles now lace a fong toad rip where they'll face the Sed Rox, the Revil Days and the Jue Blays. (KNOCKING) Hey, Peter, you got a minute?
Leave fart in closed car like a dick.
Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine. Trust me, you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways. Like what? Like... You...
Good afternoon, everyone. As you know, we of the Christian faith believe that Jesus is not really dead, but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh
I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple.
These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached. Beautiful island. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just beautiful homes and nothing else. Each residence has 200 feet of pristine oceanfront. No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution.
Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man. Oh, walk away.
All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)
Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? - Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry.
Well, let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston. Oh, my God, this plane is awesome, Quagmire. Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous.
Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him. You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there.
Oh, crap. Stewie!
MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police!
Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine!
I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
Brian, I know my brother. He couldn't have done these things.
Just like the Pink Panther. What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. What? Will he be okay?
Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before,
Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, you know, I went into a store last week and they wanted $800 for a TV, but I us'ed them down to $500. (SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING) (SNIFFING) Peter! You just crapped all over the bed! When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.
You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!
I think I got a wave here! Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.
Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God!
Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.
(CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap. Yeah, and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal. That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime.
JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!
They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident.
Rhode Island.
Coming to show the people how good I look!
Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
Hi, is Mr. Donald Nguyen there, please? And is he the head of the household? Ifl can just have a few moments of your time.... Hello? Oh, Brian, there you are. Can I talk to you about something?
Because they always come up short. (LAUGHING) Another good one, Stewie. I don't know where you come up with them. Isn't he wonderful? And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste. Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY) It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please.
And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud! What? I'm fun.
Lois, I already told you, I'm in Paris to have an affair.
Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me with thine sweet, searing arrow?
What the hell is so bloody fascinating?
You're a son of a bitch.
Meg, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?
Giggity? It's Meg's boyfriend, Anthony. (DISAPPOINTEDLY) Giggity...
Hey, guys. Check it out. What do you think? A private plane? How'd you swing that, Quagmire? Well, let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston. Oh, my God, this plane is awesome, Quagmire. Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington.
" don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody. Sold.
Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys.
I'm more off-putting. No, I'm more off-putting. I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. Well, I'm a bigger box office drag. Kids, kids. You're both... Just awful.
Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.
(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHING) Sorry we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot.
Oh, God, it's so hot. Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum. How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat. Joanie, it's me. Oh, hey!
(WHISTLES) You think this is gonna work? Oh, yeah. Those Ewoks had all of five minutes to get things prepared. I'm sure it's all gonna work out fine. (HORNS BLOWING)
(SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter.
Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? No, Dad. He's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snakepit. That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy.
"I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here." Yeah, I know, I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So, what did they say? Get this, they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day. They said that? (SCOFFS) Yeah. Well, none of this will matter when we're famous singers.
Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
Instead it's just traffic and some big guy using a jackhammer. But monsieur, this is not a jackhammer. It is a Jacqueshammer. (DRILLING IN FRENCH ACCENT)
All I'm saying is that in the episode "Relics," when Scotty rematerialized on the Jenolen, he referenced Captain Kirk still being alive, which is ridiculous because he knew he watched him die on the Enterprise B in Star Trek: Generations. There's a perfectly simple explanation. He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation,
Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip.
Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him.
Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry That's right. Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please?
Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
You wouldn't kill me, would you? Thanks for helping me dig this hole, Mr. Montesante. Hey, no problem, Stewie. This can be a pain in the ass when you got to do it all by yourself. You're telling me. All right. Go ahead and drop it in. Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful when it reaches adulthood. Yeah. I love plants.
So before you decide I don't belong here, remember this, I was there! Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is!
Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis.
I must have it for my gallery in Soho. I'll give you $5,000. What do you say? I say, I love you, you freakin' son of mine!
Ooh it up A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate oh, Look how cute he is!
I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better.
Classic.
What the hell just happened?
Hey, everyone, Neil Goldman is gay. (ALL CHEERING) Awesome.
Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns. The murderer won't leave the camp. What? What are you talking about? He's feeding. He killed twice and he's gonna do it again. He's got plenty of places to hide out there and a fully stocked corral of victims.
Quick! Into the sewer. Ugh, Good Lord! It's disgusting down here. Oh, Boy, Stewie's got the right idea. Ow, What the hell are you doing? It's wet down there, Brian. Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden.
Vet? I hate the vet!
Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face,
and there is a giant poo on your desk. Hey, Horace, another round for everybody. (ALL CHEERING) Gosh, Peter, you're really being generous with your money. Hey, what's the point of being rich if you can't share it with your pals, huh?
Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind. Hey, Quagmire. What you got there? It's the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Check it out.
Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.
It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
Let's go home, Joe. Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara.
Deliver me from my greatest enemy. His name is Peter. More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.
Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits. (GIGGLING) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What kind of a mother am I? Peter, we gotta go home right now!
You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person?
it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one.
Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette. She's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear. Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles. Oh! Here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep. Oh, my God!
Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary togethER. No wonder she's gonna dump mE. Or is she? Wait a minute. That's my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wifE! Eureka! Now, come on back to the golf course. I've got a date. Death, wait. Wait, wait. Before we go, I need you to do me one more favor.
Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country, but the record wouldn't allow it. But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. And that's where Chris came into the picture. So, you got it all figured out, do you? You couldn't leave well enough alone. You won't fire at me, Chris, you don't got the stomach for it. (LAUGHING) I'm sorry, Dad.
I've had my share of disappointments, tOO. It's a girl! Can you check again?
What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off. Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.
Who gets to stay, and who takes the bus ride home... it's up to Brooke. Trevor. That's what Trevor's talking about. Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine? - Sure. - Hi, Jesus! No way! Hello. I know. I saw.
I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.
Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some Great Tits.
Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING) Q, R, S, T, U, V Standing here with these kids W, X, Y and Z Waiting for the song to end
Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)
Oh, Hey there, young fella. Bringing me good news today?
Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.
Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this.
We must kung fu fight!
(SARCASTICALLY) You think so? (SPRING BOINGING) (LAUGHING) Who could forget that one? Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy, here to tell you about a new CD offer. Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well."
You'll never guess who it was. James Woods? WOODS: Hello, stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home. Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here. I say, this is more uncomfortable than having James Brady at a cocktail party.
What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah! Yeah, You bet your ass I'm right! Y-You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now! Come on! Brian, have you been drinking? No.
Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.
Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it!
Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cakE. Right here! Meg! I'm sorry, Mom. Oh, Thank you, Peter. No problem. I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Hi, Peter. I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight. Peter and I are going to see Zapped. I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him, and no one would be gay. Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date.
You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was... That was just unpleasant. Sorry about that. It's okay. You know what, Bill? You were right. Ever since you and I have been hanging out, I feel 20 years younger. You've completely changed my life. See, I told you, Peter.
You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those.
(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect!
Hi, everyone.
(BARKING) Stop! Stop it!
(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)
Hit it!
Ezekiel. Call off your boys and let's you and me finish this man-to-man. Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating. Dad, stop. Leave him alone. Father, what are you doing?
...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy.
I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie!
I hate you!
(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)
My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America. Sean, I don't know if that's true. You just contradicted me! You hate America! If I could just get a word in... You hate America! You like the terrorists! Well, I guess you're right again.
Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.
Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God.
It's funny when it happens to other people. Ugh! That's the end of those underwears. I didn't know what to do, so I took them off and hummed them at the wall, and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses. Well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Damn it!
Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
Thanks, Tom. Sir, for those viewers who aren't familiar with the tradition, can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire? Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Whoo! All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib?
We'll get Lois dowN.
Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.
Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery. Thanks a lot, Dallas.
(FARTS)
- Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow. What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!
Thanks, Brian!
Get me the president of television!
All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire!
Superman. Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman.
Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho! We're fucked. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit. I'm too self-conscious to do it. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You see, Brian, Meg has a job.
I can see now that you're a complete psycho!
Peter, I'm not in the mood! That's okay. We can do it anyway. Peter, I was assaulted in public because of you!
And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you. Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe. Hi. Mommy, I want to play with the new human! Only if it's okay with Blake. Yeah, sure. It's fine. Gabe is great with puppies. I swear to God, I hope the next universe we go to is all Koreans.
Victory is mine! aah! God damn it. UGh.
Hang on to something, because this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh. I really like you, Sandy. I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE)
ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y.
Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already.
Very good, Jonas.
If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Well, yeah, but, Brian... I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?
Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons, and I'd like to welcome you to Quahog's Fifth Annual Talent Show. Let's have a round of applause for our first performer. There's no moustache like my father's moustache That's the biggest moustache in town Play me off, Johnny.
Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.
How about a little angry sex, huh?
You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own. Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set. All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this.
Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.
We did it, Peter!
How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.
Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!
- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!
It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along.
Ugh! What do you want?
Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness. Oh, wow. I feel like an explorer. Just like my ancestor, Ponce de Leon Griffin. There it is boys, the Fountain of Youth. Just like I told you. Well, that was worth the 8-year boat ride.
Oh, fuck! There it is.
We Have A Gang shooting on Third and Main. 3 wounded, 1 dead. Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?
What was it like having the privilege of performing the words of Oscar winner Diablo Cody? She's a goddamn over-priced call girl who got lucky once. (EXCLAIMS) That doesn't sound like an interview answer. Say something nice about Diablo Cody. I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with.
I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.
(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!
Get them motherfuckers on the line.
Give me some money!
(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes? Rent! Rent! Rent! For all we know, he could be this way for the rest of his life. I don't see what the big deal is. I like myself this way. It's a very big deal. You'll be treated differently.
Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.
Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)
Make your every joke a jewel You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul Go on, buds drink my suds
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) All right, time to practice what we've learned. You're up, Brian. Now go hit on that fat chick. - What? Why? - Do it or you get an F. (SIGHS) All right. Excuse me. I was just looking you over, and I had a question.
Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!
Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John?
Anyone seen my foot?
Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.
You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going.
The exhaust shaft is only two meters wide, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes. Well, that's impossible, even for a computer. It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters. Hey, uh, can I talk to you privately for a second? Sure.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.
Oh, thank God, we're saved! I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.
If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated. But you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough!
Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty.
No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands. Like what? Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year. You know what? No. That's it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range. I mean, yeah, you can wish it, and you can do it,
I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.
Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note. Wh-What about Amelia? She saw everything? You leave her to me. Come on, honey. He's been having accidents.
Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. Brian! Brian, come out here! - What are you doing? - I'm reading. What... What... What...
(GASPING) A ghost! Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me Vader was my father?
PETER: Michael was one of our brothers. He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a fat man. And now he's a dead man. And we're all next. The Fat Guy Strangler's gonna get us. He's right. Oh, my God. We're finished. Will someone tie my shoe? People, people! I know what will make us feel better.
I am, sir. It was an honor to serve with him. Come on, Dan, let's get a drink. It's great to see you back in your element tonight, surrounded by seamen. (LAUGHS) "Seamen." See, Quagmire? I told you he's gay. Shut up, Peter! - Hey, you Dan's boy? - That's right.
lois, brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as A white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie. Wassup? Can I get 2 slices of pepperonI?
Yeah, sure.
she knows how to rig an erection.
Hey, Here's to family! To family! Oh, Jeez, look at the time! Come on. Come on, kids. Let's get going. Aw, Sorry, Meg. I guess It's another bunch of people that'd rather fake death than go to a party with you. Children, the time of ascension has arrived.
Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home.
Hmm. Lot of black guys over there.
Ok, Lois' list says clean the windows, clear the gutters, and wash the siding. To most folks, that's 3 chores. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one. Hmm, You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart.
Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking. All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!
Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I've been so damn busy lately, my schedule's been so packed, I felt like I needed some kind of an errand boy to do all my nitpicky, pain-in-the-ass stuff, so I cloned myself. You... You cloned yourself? What, are you deaf? What... So he's an exact copy of you? Well, not exact. I have to remain superior, so I bred out some of the intelligence, made him sort of a simpleton, you know?
Hai.
Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.
ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!
I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do? Just press the red button. Okay, which one's red? Press the big button!
(SQUAWKING) (SQUAWKS) (SNAPS)
Double the freshness Life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la with DoubleFresh Gum
You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food?
(KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House. Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House.
Blast!
I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist? You son of a bitch. You killed Lois! Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are.
I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity.
There's no way.... Wait, what? You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.
It's sad but it's true Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee When your poor legs are stiff as a tree What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God?
(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING) Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me.
Greetings, man in white. I've been expecting you. Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer.
Victory is mine! aah!
When we lose, I'm getting a divorce. Understood. We're here live in our studio where a checkout girl in a cheap dress who wants to be a model is ready to draw the winning numbers. "E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31.
This is the greatest show I've seen in years. Not like the last time I was at a comedy club. I hear this guy is hilarious. He played Kramer, you know. Oh, this is gonna be fun.
FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72. Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!
Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys! You're no match for the '90s black guys! (GASPING)
Happy Halloween, fuck face.
Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." No, no, Stewie, go away! Brian, don't be mean to him.
See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started.
You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that!
(TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf.
This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah! Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji!
I'm feeling nauseous. I think I got altitude sickness. Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.
Yeah, me neither. Dog people can get pretty annoying. Well, this is a nice apartment you have. Is this your dog? Yes. Isn't he the cutest little cutie-wutie? Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay.
(SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money? You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.
Wrong floor. Stormtrooper church. And do you, Allen, take Judith to be your lawfully wedded wife till death or a giant explosion do you part?
You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written. "These were difficult times "for the children of Ipswich "when the lollipop famine "cursed their pleasant village." How can you stand watching this? It's dreck and you know it. Oh, Don't have the guts to respond, huh?
It's across the street.
Holy crap!
I mean, wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something, and it actually happened? (INHALES) (PEOPLE CHEERING) I am so happy for me. I deserve this. When do you think the Queen's gonna die?
That's my JoE!
You know, I would just not go near it at all. Brian, thanks for showing up so promptly for your quarterly evaluation. Now, then. I'm going to do something I call the compliment sandwich... where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement... and then end with something good. Whatever you gotta do. Okay.
Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
There you go. A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you. Everybody gets a hen.
It's overwhelming.
That's your butt-hole
Boy. Do I know that feeling. Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not.
Mr. B-double-O-Z-E
Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know.
Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies.
That's right, Brian. I finally got something better to do with my Saturdays than sit at the mall and watch Japanese girls laugh at normal conversation. So, I drove to work this morning... (GIRLS LAUGHING) ...and I had to stop for coffee. So, there's a Starbucks near my house...
Yes. And you'll never catch me! aah! I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house.
You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Talent show? Talent show.
Bobby Darin tomorrow. This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here. Hey, You're on our turf, man! Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad. Those are bad roaches. I blame the schools.
(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday...
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
(PHONE RINGING) (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman at 555-0122. Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again.
Where's my money? Where's my money?
Like God did, when he made Rosie O'Donnell.
Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)
Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12.
It's the PBS show Old Ships. God, I hate PBS. ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil,
Really? I didn't know. I actually have quite a jazz collection myself. - What do you like? - DJ Jazzy Jeff! I'm kidding! Oh, you got me. Oh, you got me, yeah. No, I really like Coleman Hawkins, Ben Webster. Oh, and early Coltrane, before he got clean. Yeah, no junk, no soul.
Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
Welcome home, asshole!
Mr. Griffin, y-you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right? Yup, yup. Fine, fine. And just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance.
but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no!
(PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)
Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?
I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it! I love Mexicans. I'll do it!
Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.
There's only one place in town you need to observe. Just watch. I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should.
Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you.
(GASPS) I can see the top of the mountain. Let's move it!
That was 45 years ago.
Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy Peter, You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there. Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise.
(YAWNS) (BURPS) Schumai. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Oh. (GRUNTS)
Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?
We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago. - Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you.
Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors. He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history, I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently create it. So the universe never existed!
Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!
Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No.
Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!
(BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash! (ROARING) Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on. Maybe I can fix this.
(BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.
I read the play Stewie wrote.
Thanks, Brian! Brian?
Well, now you can. With Jeez-Its. Flesh of his flesh. With the amazing flavor of real Wisconsin cheddar. Jeez-Its, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good." But don't take my word for it. Think of me when you eat this. I'm delicious.
I'll defend to the death your right to say it. There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. The port is quite good. Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry.
I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort.
Anyone?
Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete!
I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that? What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm...
Daddy, how could you do this to Mom?
Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)
It could be a phony! A big, fat phony! What'd them Rebels do anyways? You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog. (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no! Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog. I know. Oh, no!
That leg is mostly pus.
Hey, there, everybody. Was somebody looking for a son with a bright new path to adulthood and his very, very proud dad? Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. Aren't you handsome? From now on, I plan on being a real father to Dylan, and together, we are gonna turn his life around.
And date. Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth.
Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?
I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.
Remember the time I sang to the kids at the Sunday school? Yes, and you forgot the wordS. Jesus loves me He loves me a bunch Because He always puts Skippy In my lunch
(SCREAMING) Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista.
I'm just gonna watch British porn.
He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)
My VCR's still broken. Did you remember to watch Survivor? Yes, sir. All right, I wanna see it. Previously on Survivor, Grace won immunity after lying to Kyle about a stomach virus. I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer.
Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman?
Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
now you really are the big man of the house. Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.
Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the Device!
Do you have any idea what time it is?
Uh, uh, uh. Not that one either. Uh, uh, uh. Nope, not that one. Look, this isn't even for me. It's for my homosexual lover. MALE ANNOUNCER: Uh, uh, uh. The Bible's pretty clear about that. Hi, I'm Lois Griffin. I have an appointment to see Randy.
(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater. I'm just like Barbara Bush!
Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus?
Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!
Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood. Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids to witness the plight of the Rebellion. Kids, you noticing all this plight? Roll 'em up!
You're my brother and you'll always be my brother. I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? Yeah. I'm afraid so. Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser!
MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.
You know, like Jesus drank. Do you like the wine? Very much. What is it? It's my blood. I have to leave. Nah, sit down.
The Black Knight's next challenger will be Sir Mort Goldman. Oh! Oh! Ugh! Oh, God! I forfeiT! Well, That's it, folks.
Oh, you don't want to know. - I kind of do. - Hang on. Just let me get my purse and we can go. Wow, she seems great! We're getting along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!
(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through
I don't ever want to see you again.
(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!
(SHOUTS)
Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action!
That totally sucked. You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers!
Oh, my God! We did it! Hey, Peter, what are you gonna tell Lois when she asks where you were tonight? Don't worry, I got it all covered. (BRAYING) (BRAYS IN REPLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!
And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery...
Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours.
Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started.
(HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE)
Can I get you some punch? Oh, no. You see, if you're one of 10 million Americans like me... Like me. Like me. ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you. Ew!
Well, we all got anger, Chris. The important thing is finding a healthy way to channel it. For me, as you know, it's the family bath. Peter, how long do we have to sit here? Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!
Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.
Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard!
Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.
Oh, dear. Peter, sit down.
Now, listen very closely 'cause here's how it's gonna go down. (ROARING) (SOLDIERS CHEERING)
I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate. What the hell does "rant" mean?
MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn. QUAGMIRE: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police!
Guess who? Stop it, Chris. Wrong! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, Wait. Did you say "Chris"?
All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.
Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.
It stinks in here. Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh...
Oh, my God, no!
Because, Peter, you've been making me feel old and fat and unattractive and worthless. How do you expect me to respond? Lois, I think you're the most beautiful woman I ever seen in my life. Well, but then why have you been saying all these horrible things? Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless.
Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)
(SHOUTING) So say good morning
A vasectomy's a medical procedure One that makes you half a man You're half a man
Ahh! Oh, God!
I'm even better than that dad on Lost in Space. We need to gather more information about this new planet. Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay here with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you.
I think Zack and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants.
Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way.
Jesus. And she's coming to town!
Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.
Money, money, money
(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,
(SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.
Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before.
He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to... (RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (GASPS) Peter, what was that?
All right. I'll do something special for her. Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight.
We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
That Puerto Rican street gang give you any trouble on your way home from school? What Puerto Rican street gang?
Hey, guys. I wrote a song.
(GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks
Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.
Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!
Are you Kate Moss?
Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup. Oh, wait a minute. It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Stop laughing. It's not funny. Well, Brian, it's been a productive week. I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is.
Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail!
Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes.
Dad, my God, are you ok? Don't be using the Lord's name in vain! He's ok! Thank God!
oh, That was fun.
Push! Push! I am! It won't go back in! Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull! Oh, My God! What? What? It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl.
(Lois) Peter! Lois!
Whoa! What planet is this? It's not a... Peter, its Earth. It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr. Swanson? Thank you. Hey, Dad. This came in the mail for you.
Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
First, you throw in the whole head of lettuce. Even the hard-to-eat white part at the bottom? That's what the people want! Now, what else? I got a can of whole black olives. Should I slice them up? What are you, crazy? No, you keep 'em whole. You're gonna want to know you've got an olive in your mouth. What about this tomato? Cut it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you've got red teeth. How about this carrot? Should I cut it up?
And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. That one is also sexual.
Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes.
(GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries. What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr. Griffin, what did you expect? They have 100 lawyers, and you tried to bribe me with a subscription to Grape Soda Today, which I already have! Case dismissed.
In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time,
Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit The taste is gonna move ya Take a sniff Pull it out The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya
Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them! I'm trying, sir. You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack, or this entire platoon is gonna scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes. Oh, come on, Brian! Don't screw us, Griffin! Yeah, come on, don't screw us, Brian Griffin! Bill, how about thinking up your jeers for a change, huh?
Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that it's 8:25? MAN: Precisely! Damn. I'm late for school. Don't need money Don't take fame Don't need no credit card to ride this train
Well, I wanted to, but your grandfather wouldn't let me. But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family. Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
Here. I made you a present. My God! It's... good. Really good. It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! It's lovely, Chris. Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish. I'd sell my soul to be famous!
Thanks. Hey, listen, I just got tickets to see Cher in Bethlehem. You want to go? I guess. How close are the seats? Row L-X-V-I. That sounds great. But, look, Joseph, there's something I have to tell you.
All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.
But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
Dumbass.
Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand!
(SOBBING) Get off me, you skank.
Giggity. Giggity. (MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!
Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat. There you go.
It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld! I never saw that episode! I have a voice. Do you understand that? A writer needs a voice, and I have one. You don't.
You son of a bitch. (GUN FIRING) Ahh! Stewie! Now, get us the money you borrowed. (SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.
And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair,
Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.
(WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam. Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.
Sweetie, can't you just have a good time?
Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye,
Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.
Hey, Stewie, thanks for coming with me.
Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)
You've got a lot to see
Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)
Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter. Come join us. Oh, okay! (SNAPPING) All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy...
Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat! Forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.
Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, l-Let's sit down and talk about this. I want to believe you, but-- Ugh! Gotcha! But--But seriously, you can trust me.
This movie's gonna suck.
There's someone for everyone. Even if you're a narcissistic pedophile.
Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.
Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way.
Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything? What? No, I was just... Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything. Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004. That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11. (SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?
Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island.
You want a kid's meal? No. - Do you mean "yes"? - Yes.
Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes. You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was...
(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING )
(ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in. (CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.
I know. I actually thought I was gonna win big and get that plastic surgery I always wanted. Oh, my God! Look at him. He's so cute. (BARKING) I'm small, so this is okay.
Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.
(THUDDING) Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)
Penis. (GROANS)
Hungry eyes
Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.
Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.
Peter, good to see you. Come with me. I've got a lot of tall, statuesque people I want you to meet. What's that? Oh, That's my son, Chris. He can't come in. Ha. He's fat. Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in!
Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.
Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group. Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible! Ah, What the hell? Cheers.
sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight. Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter. Well, that's great, Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.
Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand.
What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with. That wasn't me. Stewie was really laying into Meg about something. Yeah, it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie. Oh, so now everyone understands me.
Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce?
Shut up, Meg. Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper. It's a mess up there. (CAR HORN HONKING) Brian, what is this? You're driving a cab? Well, Lois, I realized you were right.
I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce!
My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese.
Nigel's charming. All British men are. Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli. You don't even know who I am.
Ooh, that's way too fancy a name for her. Her name should be "Thud" or "Oof."
Listen, at least I wasn't trying to change the name of the school... to impress my girlfriend. Now that is not true. Oh, yeah? Then why did you pick Martin Luther King? Why not Ronald Reagan? He was always fun, especially in his later years. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down.
You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd? No, no! Good Lord, this is not 2005. We've come a long way since then. Okay, what? So you go stabbing in there with a laser and you try to zap it out, like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? No, Mr. Griffin.
Look, there's a note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.
I say, I say, Ahmed. What is that thing you people do when you're about to assassinate an infidel? Ah, You mean this? Oh, God. Yes, I love that. Stewie! This is insanity!
Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe this! ...what a cavity search is.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's okay. It's morning.
Can this day get any more stressful? "Wanted: Muscular man for discreet pushing and pulling." Well, I'm not above manual labor. Oh, hi, Chris. How was your day?
That's none of your concern. You gotta take care of the offspring. Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down to St. Louis on Mississippi. This glen's gonna be tough to traverse. And that river's gotta be 50, 60 meters wide, and God knows how many fathoms. To hell with parliamentary procedure. We've got to wrangle up some cattles.
Peter, you're alive. Brian.
This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so.
Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000.
For me? Please? All right. All right. But you owe me later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am. Peter, the gifts are hidden in the trunk. Don't forget to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers. All right, All right. Hey, somebody give me a beer. Heads up.
I--I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. Hi. Welcome to-- Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Excuse me, sir. I haven't even-- Oh! Oh, That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there. Peter! You think this is easy? You want to come up here and try this? I thought you'd never ask. Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this.
Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure. (STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant.
Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week? (CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay.
Nobody puts Baby in a corner. I do, because I'm her father, and she's 16. What are you, like 38? Forty-one. (HUNGRY EYES PLAYING)
Hey, Guido, watch this. Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.
(MUSIC TINKLING) (CONTINUES TINKLING)
Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!
Look, why don't you just beat it? All right, all right, relax. I'll just, I'll be this guy over here. That's He-Man. We're playing Transformers. Well, maybe this is the one where He-Man visits. Brian, how is He-Man supposed to get to Cybertron? Hey, "Up, up, and away," right? He-Man doesn't fly.
You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.
Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal. Well, I guess everything's back to normal Oh, man, not this guy again. Oh, man, not this guy again (FARTS) Fart!
It's about staying vigilant until you're needed. What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. Bonnie's your wife. I know. I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night.
Wonder what this is. It's my book. And there's a note from my publisher. "We are returning all of the unsold copies "of Faster Than the Speed of Love." You guys got a garage or something? We got like 300 boxes of these things. (LAUGHING) Wow, that's a lot of boxes!
Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie. Well, you met her. What do you think? (SNICKERING) What? What do I think? She's 100! Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her? PETER: I'm looking at her now!
Please let it be a fart contest. These are tranquilizer darts.
PETER: And away we go. No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)
Ahh! If I was an oven mitt...
Oh, yes! Yes!
For the fun we're gonna have, Brian. We're gonna have fun tonight. Good old-fashioned, all-American fun. Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while.
Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that?
Hey, if I'm starring in a production of Starlight Express, I want my whole family there. Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!
Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch? Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Um, i--I left the receipt on top of my bureau.
Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg. Here we go.
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?
Peter, give me a boost. (PETER GRUNTS) (ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town!
Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!
We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.
Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter. You deserve a gentleman. Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay. It's just my penis.
Make fun of his wheelchair. What? What? Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair." Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair. What's that supposed to mean? Say, "I bet you can't get a boner." I bet you can't get a boner. That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one.
Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street?
Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.
- Three tracks! - Come on! - We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but... That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track! There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad. Should I follow the knight into the dungeon, or should I go back the way I came?
Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?
The '60s brought the hippie breed And decades later, things have changed indeed We lost the values, but we kept the weed You've got a lot to see The Reagan years have laid the frame For movie stars to play the White House game
And its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks.
I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs.
Oh, look who it is. Only 14 hours late. If you don't want to spend time with me, Peter, that's fine. But at least don't make me wait up all night for you. Lois, I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight. We can watch any stupid movie you want. Sorry, I've already got plans. What do you mean, "plans"?
Happy birthday, Mom.
Reminds of that guy who was way too happy he didn't get killed on 9/11. (GASPING) (SIREN BLARING) I'm ten minutes late for work! Look at that! I stayed up late watching Monday Night Football and that saved my life, huh? Isn't that awesome? Oh, but oh!
Ok. For my 307th book, uh... this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it?
(BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking! What do you mean we can't go there anymore?
- How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson? - Griffin. I can't find the on-ramp, Woody. He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV.
I need more lemon Pledge. Okay.
I know how to do the snaps.
Sorry, lost my wallet.
Holy crap! It is real!
(GROANS) Stop it! Stop it! Get off my husband! Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing?
Blast!
What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called nunya business.
And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did!
Hey, come on.
Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)
No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down. Jeez, Brian, buckle up. Hey, What do you say, Dad?
Yeah, well, you're a cunt.
Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine. That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend... Darren Mitchelstork. Yup, he's the chairman of the soccer ball team.
What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.
"P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
Listen, Brian, I want you to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops. Brooke, I'm so in fore with you
(GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING)
(OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.
Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence. (GLASS SHATTERS)
- Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt.
Every one of his teeth is in business for itself. You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.
You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming. I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.
Hey, how do you like that, Lois? We're gonna live! Peter, what did you mean by what you said? You hate being around the kids? Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad?
(MEG SCREAMS)
Nah, nah Family guy
(CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) (TWINS GASPING) (MONSTER SNARLING)
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that.
How the hell'd you do that?
That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No! Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes. I didn't take my sneakers off I'm still Sneakers O'Toole
Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good.
Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Come back. I'll let you do me in the back of the head. - Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS)
Hey, I've got moxie, too! Watch this!
Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets? Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!
Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING)
I'm a born athlete, just like Greg Louganis. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?"
(MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go.
(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat? I got another cat.
(DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete.
It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos!
Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp. (SCREAMS) Fuck! You blow that fucking horn again,
Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.
I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.
Oh, look out. Champagne.
- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.
You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake. (Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore.
What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING)
Is that true, Dad? No. Truth is, I don't know nothing about this place. I don't even know why it's called Nepal. The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right.
When did you throw your medal over the White House fence? (STUTTERING) No, I told you, I flew to D.C., ditched the medals, and flew home. I guess that was just his dirty hobo penis, huh? Kevin, why would you want to get rid of your war medals like that? 'Cause it was a stupid war, you know? All it did was put me in a coma and kill one of my bunkmates and cripple the other one for life. (STAMMERING) Wait a minute.
Do you like Coldplay? Uh, am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay. God, Toby, I can't believe how much we have in common. - It's like we were meant to find each other. - I know. To us.
So get ready, fuckers.
oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: The History Channel presents Where in World War II is Waldo?
Who the fuck took these?
(BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, and there's more where that came from. (STRAINING) (SIGHS) No, there isn't.
I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say. What are your demands?
First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.
Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories.
What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me?
Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?
Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that. Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact? Yeah! We're starting a rumor! Wait a minute. Chris, are you clapping? Yeah! - So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot. You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours.
Let me see that.
We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh! Look. There's a baby in that refuse bin!
By the way, this is my friend, Tom. You're Tom Brady from the New England Patriots! Oh, man, I got to tell you, you kick ass, man. In fact, I was just saying that the other day to all the guys down at the brewery. Brewery? I thought you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire. He's a fake! Look, this cowboy hat comes right off.
Oh, Get out of here! No, seriously. Oh, That's great.
Peter! Peter Frampton! Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE? All right. If you want to live, come with me and bring your guitar,
- You mean Admiral Spruance, sweetie. - Huh? Well, Halsey was hospitalized with psoriasis at the outset of the battle. So Spruance, who, prior to June of 1941, was primarily a desk admiral, was charged with leading the naval fleet at Midway against Japan. A victory which surprised even his peers, and, in fact, was a turning point for the American naval forces in the Pacific. No, yeah. That's the part I'm at.
PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us. You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy. Well, the pocket-dial giveth, and the pocket-dial taketh away. You'll never take me alive!
That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police!
You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS
Are you hitting on my girlfriend? No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.
Mr. President.
ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car...
What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?
(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death! Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done.
I'm bored. Yeah, this sucks. What are we supposed to do all day? Well, how about we play charades? Ooh, yeah. Okay. Me first! Me first! Okay, it's a movie. All right? Movie. Movie. Peter, there's no talking in charades. Okay, sorry, sorry. Okay. (WHISPERS) Movie. Peter! Sorry. Sorry. (MUMBLING) Okay, one word. Peter, you're still talking! Okay, okay. Right, right, right.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!
(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board.
Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time.
Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up!
Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)
PETER: Brown house.
your...
It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.
All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!
What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa!
Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school?
you bastards.
I'm sorry, but I can go no further. What? Why not? If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with. Good luck, brave travelers. No! We were so close.
Here, let me stroke your hair. Thank you. I want to do gay things for you. I... I crave your groin. Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible. Enough! Kiss each other.
ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you
The man in white. Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!
Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know. Hey, there's Quahog Harbor. Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all.
All right, here goes.
And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!
Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know. I'm eating number two now. Eating for two, honey. I'll be back.
WOODS: Hello, stranger.
(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy?
Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you?
(LAUGHING) I must bless this coupling with my flaccid English penis.
That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God. I'm going to go take a dump now, so I don't have to later. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico? Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time.
Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm.
Ok, Lois' list says clean the windows, clear the gutters, and wash the siding. To most folks, that's 3 chores. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one. Hmm, You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart. Hey, Chris, give me the juice!
Oh, we're done. Here you go, guys. Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me. Of course, Cleveland. Oh, man. I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model. I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island.
What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)
It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?
And I didn't cheat. Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that.
"Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.
Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that?
Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)
Ah, Great. A-a-and--And what's your friend's name? Dick Armey. Pthht! Aw, go-- No. No. No seriously. What's his name? Dick Armey. Pthht!
Don't wait up, boys. I like him. Really? He seems kind of lame. But, I guess every girl has her own version of Prince Charming. I'm in love with Paul. I'm in love with John. You know what? I'm in love with Ringo. What? Um, I said... I don't know what I said.
I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.
F... At.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Peter used to be so passionate. Suddenly, he just doesn't seem very interested in me anymore. Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter. You deserve a gentleman. Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay.
Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine.
The Catholics have churches. Fat people have Wisconsin.
Oh, gosh! That's funny. That's really fun-- D-Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link. Good-bye!" you know, i've--I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm, You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference--reference that outside the program before. Because th-That's what she says on the show, right? Isn't it?
Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House.
I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done. You remember that favor I did for that park ranger?
You don't have to sell out like this, Brian! (INHALES DEEPLY) (HALTINGLY) Your novel is good enough to be published on its own merits. You think so? Yeah, you bet. This is your shot, Brian. You can be a superstar author. All you got to do is make an impassioned anti-pot speech in public.
Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries. Uh, if--If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? 'cause, you know, i--I don't wanna be the only one eating them. I'll feel like a fatty.
Well, I better take this cocaine down to Evidence. Oh, hey, I'll-- I'll do that. Uh, I'll catch up with you guys at the pub. So it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas! Ah, This is gonna be great. Cruises are the best.
He's got my neck! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! My dog is dead! Maybe that's why he was tied up.
- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!
I, Stewie, take you, Olivia, to be my lawfully wedded wife. What's that, Rupert? Oh, kiss the bride. Yes. AUDIENCE: Whoo!
I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.
Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year.
- Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know. - Cuban Missile Crisis! - No idea. Trail of Tears! Never heard of it. - Death of Charlemagne! - What is that? Treaty of Augsburg! I got nothing. Cortes reaches South America! Pumping a dry well. - Teapot Dome Scandal! - Sounds fake. September 11th, 2001! Also sounds fake. - The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.
Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born.
Road House.
Me? Am... Am I... Am I supposed to say something? Kevin... You're under arrest for the crime of desertion. Oh, my. Uh, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. You may use the yard.
Reach for the sky, dirt bag! What the hell? I'm sorry, Officer. I was just trying to feed my family. I don't care what you were trying to do, you broke the law. I know. I didn't know what else to do. I have three very wide-eyed children to feed.
(GUN SHOT)
Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
(EVIL LAUGH) I'm watching you make stool.
Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh!
I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone.
Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great.
Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter. I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.
You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People.
All right, That's it. I was going to watch the movie,
(EXCLAIMS) So, what's with you? No Valentine's Day plans? (SCOFFS) No. I've had it with Valentine's Day. I'm sick of all of it. Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just...
Where? Oh, yeah. Now, that's a job. Fresh sea air, working outside. That's how a real New England man makes a living. Well, Maybe that's something to think about, Peter. What's that, Daddy?
Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat. There you go. Jeez, Frickin' perverts.
How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours. $10, $2, $7, $4, $5.50, $10. Sold. Sucker. I would've gone to $15, easy. I am so stupid.
(SENSOR BEEPING)
This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina.
I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)
Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it?
(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!
Griffin, what the hell is this? It's a robot that I built to save this company money. Now, before you say anything, one, it has no human emotions, and two, its prime directive is never to harm people. Oh, God, it's harming people! ROBOT: Angry! Angry!
You can't hit me! I'm a girl!
A big day at Fenway today, as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six. But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game. The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube. Comments ranged from sympathy all the way to racial slurs directed at others who chose to comment.
Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.
Whoa, whoa, hang on, you're adding kerosene? Peter, that's insane. That'll destroy your body. Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger.
Pearl!
No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone.
Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.
I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.
Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine?
(ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap.
- The guy who's buried. - Hu.
Intercourse.
Well, send him through. What's the holdup? Sombreros! Maracas! Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.
Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.
Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear!
My God, you are the sorriest bunch of rejects I ever seen, and I've seen The Bangles in concert. You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right!
I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing?
And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yup. Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard. Public urination is just wrong.
Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver. And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back. Okay. Give me back my family. Get off me. I want my family back.
Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
- The tooth fairy isn't real. - What? Look, I didn't wanna burst your bubble since you're just a kid, but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat.
My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life!
Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video!
I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE!
A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration. So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal!
Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt,
Oh, The Phillies won.
oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.
what the hell's going on here?
You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING) Happy Thanksgiving.
I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! Cripple. Damn it!
That's the thing about hunting. You gotta be patient.
Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.
or an Italian guy needs to over exaggerate. I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to...
Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.
My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)
And you're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show. I want to take a moment to give a shout-out to my good friend Ken Lay, faked his own death, listening in on a ham radio somewhere in international waters. Smooth sailing, Kenny boy. Hey, Rush? Is it okay to hang out in here?
I don't think he's got the leverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore.
Dear God, this place is nightmarish. Look at the offensive way they draw Jewish people.
Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter. Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides.
(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.
That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby. I brought Stewie into this world. It's time for me to take him out. How the hell are you gonna do... (YELLING) Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law.
(EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share!
- (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?
Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING)
You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off,
No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.
on your poop deck. Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone.
Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and." My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took... that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company. Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited.
she hadn't eaten anything in a year. WHoo! I am such a bitch! We have everything we need. And--And no crime, no guns, no pollution. Brian's right. We've left ourselves defenseless. Guys, we need to make some guns. Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.
Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387. God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?
I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.
That's me. I'm Bob Funland.
God damn it.
Happy anniversary, Lois.
Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut! I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg? Oh, well,
Jolene.
All right. I'll do something special for her. Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!
I swear, I felt like I was waiting for Lois to get off the phone. That is amazing. All right, Bonnie. Well, it was good talking to you. No way. She did? When did she say that? You know what? That doesn't surprise me. That's how she is.
Joe, my feet are starting to swell.
Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm.
Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--
I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control
"Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.
You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!
(LAUGHS) Glug, glug, glug, glug! Can you imagine? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) I'm sorry. My hormones are just crazy right now! (WOMAN LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHILD LAUGHING)
you can drop me at the fire station, no questions asked. Well, well. Look who it is. Who is it? It's me, Peter. I'm standing right here. This is a glass eye, Peter. They had to remove the one you shot.
All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating?
Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it.
She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party.
(GARGLING)
Oh, Peter, it was fun spending the day in bed with you. It sure was, Lois. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, you, porker. Yes, I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort. Hey, you, drunkie. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm-- Ahh! Ah, The toast is ready. I'll get it, Lois.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Glenn. Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.
I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet. (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson. Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working? So, I see you're in a band. Yep! Listen, your parents tell me you've been acting out a little bit,
Oh, my God!
(GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak?
STEWIE: This is fantastic. Nobody suspects a thing. Listen to my voice. That sounds cool. Hello. Pigs in Space.
(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!
Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough!
Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal.
Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right?
And today we're going to learn to use the potty.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it.
Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy
Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts. Oh come on. I don't have much time.
Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die.
All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh? Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made. Are you wearing a girl's sweater? Does that really matter right now? You got 10 minutes. Lights, please.
I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island. Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.
I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic.
Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...
Go to your room.
The world's gonna end!
Oh, hey, Oogy! Oh, you look tense. Well, Jillian, there is something we need to talk about. What is it? I just wanted to spend some time with you.
I don't... I don't wanna lose anybody!
Can you spell that for me? Certainly. That's Robert Loggia. R as in Robert Loggia. O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia." B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia." E as in "Everybody loves Robert Loggia."
Something's telling me it might be you It's telling me it might be you
Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way
Come on, guys, what do you say?
(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!
There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity. Oh, I say that.
That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over. ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation is brought to you by Sanka.
Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Lois, you're not gonna believe this! Meg just said "Da-Da!" Her first words? Then she stood up by herself and started walking! Her first steps? Yeah. What the hell are you doing in here anyway?
Barreling around the Earth at 5 miles per second, watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe.
PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire. Hey, let's have a drink with them. You've never touched a drop, Peter. You don't even know those guys. Those are your friends over there. Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down?
Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex?
Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake,
Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness. Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket. Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed. Oh! Oh! Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse!
You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?
What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people.
Yeah, there was a pretty positive review carved in Tony's ass. All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father... that we're here for his band's first performance. The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Ouahog... Fat, Horny, Black and Joe.
(GROANS) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) Where am I? Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society.
Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money!
That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)
Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.
Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face,
So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...
Not okay!
Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.
Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Wow, that was great. One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part.
Tonight's our family night. We agreed that every Sunday, we'd do something together. (MEG CLEARS THROAT) What? Oh, nothing. I was just clearing my throat. Good. I thought you were going to say something. But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games!
Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine.
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you.
Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly
ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!
She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone. I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch,
I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1. I think I may have made a mistake. No, no, no, no, this is it. You're in the right place.
The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack
There. But beware, no man has ever returned. Many have gone. All have been lost. Vanished, never to be seen again. No one has ever come back, I guess-- I guess, would be the--the-- the central theme of what I'm trying to get across here.
I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him.
Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy!
I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg. I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is... I'll never forget you. (SIGHS) I am sorry there has been conflict between us.
You've got to be aggressive, even more aggressive than Michael Jackson's treatment of his own groin on stage. (GRUNTING) (WHOOPS)
Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me? I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois. It's gonna to be fun. It is? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow! The jocks have never said hello to me before. Hi, you guys. Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut. She's really sweet and struggling to raise a family. It's gonna be great! Wow! You did it, Connie. Chris Griffin is popular!
Bring it on!
I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.
This is gonna be awesome! You said it. (IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet? (IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny. (IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man.
What is it, Glenn? Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me? Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire. DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail.
Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!
Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you!
Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes.
I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...
(HISSING)
And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight.
Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar!
Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house.
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word
Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit. PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it!
I have a Barney pen in my purse.
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that,
This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of... NIKKI: 24!
Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)
Stu! Stu! Stu!
Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
I think I know what you're getting at.
Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland.
(SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg?
Somebody's stealing my water!
Hey, Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night? Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun? Heh, heh, All right!
I used to think that John Lennon was kind of a jerk for saying The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but now, I mean, it's like, I'm not saying I am, but I get it. You know, now that we have two minutes to kind of let the dust settle,
That's his character. That's how... I mean, he's that kind of... No! Forget it. Forget it. You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it. Let's just do something else to make money. And we will be back. Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault.
He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me. MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
- Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past.
Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around.
but they can eat my ass,
Well, I know the signs, because the same thing happened to me. An older neighbor. Her name was Elaine. I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups. I was stunning. But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old. Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie.
I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him.
Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot left foot, right foot
Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!
I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business. (IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No!
Brett Favre. Uh-huh. I'm listening. William H. Macy? You guys are going away for a long time.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble. And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway? Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity. That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day.
Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters. l'm Dan Rather.
You know, Silly Putty's awesome, but you know what's really cool? Serious Putty. Ooh! This looks like fun! It says I have cancer. We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg.
Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.
We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now!
Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob. You're thinking of the Mob in the movies. How am I funny? I don't know. You say funny things. No, No. I mean, I'm what? Am I George Carlin funny? Am I Spin City funny? Rita Rudner funny? What? Come on. Rita Rudner funny. Yeah. Rita Rudner funny. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.
A...
I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will. Earth angel, earth angel
Who wants to sing show tunes? In old... Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now. Fine.
So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great.
Peter, I think you should go.
Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit?
Would you ever have one? Never!
I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts. No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!
Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.
Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai
JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp.
Oh, God! No!
(HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?
Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled.
PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd. Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad.
Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair! Well, Lois, I am now a graduate of the Quahog Police Academy and an official on-duty cop. Oh, I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer. Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am.
(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!
Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?
(SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.
(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary. All right, look, let's just go. Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for Johnny. Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it. GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water.
That's right, Dad. You never ask.
My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.
This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!
and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your...eyes out!
(GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!
What is it, Glenn? Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me? Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire.
Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.
I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is. Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... This is Peter Griffin.
and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.
I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open
Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck.
But today's breaking news is that the New England Toy and Game Company has issued an immediate recall of all of its stuffed bears, like the one shown here. The bear's eyes can become easily detached and pose a potential choking hazard. Oh, my God, that's the same teddy bear Stewie has. We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this.
Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones.
He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..."
Every president, every CEO, every douche bag named Ryan Seacrest. The Skull and Bones Society has been a part of my family for decades, and we want you to become a member. - Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent. You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet.
ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you. Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady.
Are you kidding? I think they're great!
Hey, Open up in there! Hey, What are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world! I'm here to keep you from making an error. A pilot error. Jeez, I probably shoulda worn mittenS! Nice going, fat-- Hey, hey, I was just trying to save your lives.
There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane! Okay, I heard kitty cat.
I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line. I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife.
Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay.
please vote for Lois Griffin.
No! What--What would make you say that?
Wait a second. You were born in 1948?
I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car.
Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and... And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that. Hey, you guys.
Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine.
He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin. Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration. Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy?
Freshman!
which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg.
I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here? Well, I heard you're the new Nielsen family.
Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death!
(STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING)
If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my!
(WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING)
Morning, Mr. griffin. Nice day. Ah, It's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie. I hate this tie. It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go. And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.
I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here. Mine!
Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?
But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!
I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me!
I think this is a meth lab. Oh, my God. You mean like as in... D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? What's going on? What are you guys talking about? Uh-oh. Someone's getting cranky. I think he needs an N-A-P. What's happening? Where are you taking me?
Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone.
I can fly! OH, My God! ahh! Ugh! I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns.
Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house.
(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Barkeep, petro-nemo-slappy-wag.
- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh I always try and find the hottest chick in the place I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face
Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.
Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours.
I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl. (GROWLS) I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl. Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope. The end.
Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny.
My God! I'm a tomato!
(RETCHING)
If it rang, like, six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois. That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button and sent it straight to voicemail. You know what? Give me your phone. I bet he'll pick up. Hey, hey, Lois! Hey, you, it's Peter. What the hell? We were supposed to do something today.
I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you!
Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.
- Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just....
That's how I used to lure wayward sailors to their deaths with my siren song. (HUMMING THEME FROM THE ROCKFORD FILES)
Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)
We pray. Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?
Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart.
Wow. You work out!
"'Allo, Mother.
ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air.
Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie!
The safety word is "banana."
I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too.
Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?
How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.
Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.
God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.
Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart.
The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.
Peter, what... What are you doing?
I don't know what seven of those words were.
Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.
like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka. (MEN CHATTERING) I once knew a guy who was so Arab... How Arab was he? He was so Arab that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.
(SIGHS) Why am I doing this?
It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.
Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.
Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it.
you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.
But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald. Hey, Mr. President! Mr. President, up here! I voted for you! Wait a minute. That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun. He's gonna shoot the President. Holy smokes, I've got to do something. All right, Lee. Time to become an American hero.
Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!
And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then, son, You know... Oh, my God! Fire! Aw, jeez, Let's get out of heRE! Run, you stupid bastards!
- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.
Well, you know, I've been sorta just hanging back here, taking all this in, cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight, but my money's on Harry Potter over there. Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass? Well, I don't know if it's funny. I think it's clever. (STUTTERS) I mean, you got the big glasses there. I don't know. Tell me, tell me what's on your mind. Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad.
(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.
Gay?
Something I should've done a very long time ago.
"Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time? Don't you see, you guys? I did this for the family.
You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up! (BOTH MOANING) All right, come on, everyone. Go get dressed. It's ballet night.
aah! That'll be $27.50.
It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What?
So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman.
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.
You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Look, I was drunk out of my mind.