comb.io - Clips

I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

could I do this with a Hula-Hoop?

He's been here about 3 months now. Wow! Where do you think you go when you die? I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living, and they pray for death, but death won't come. U.P.N.?

So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say thank you.

Oh, God. I am so hung over. Me, too.

STEWIE: Brian, could you come in here for one second? Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second.

At least then you might grow an inch or two while you're hanging there. Of course, when they find you, you might have those Illeana Douglas eyes. Hmm. So, why the gun? It just seemed the quickest way, I guess. I suppose. But I don't quite understand why you're so unhappy.

Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb, so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died.

Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin. All right, look. First of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment. Peter, please!

You're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

What the hell? What's wrong? Uh... Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there. What? Where? Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kind of disguise. Oh, my God, Dad! What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter?

So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too? Do you Have the moral authority to lead? Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign. And There's the President, First Lady Lois. Now boarding the helicopter.

Shut up, just shut up! You have no right, man! You don't know nothing about my side of town!

Now get the hell out of here, you nut,

Oh, man! They got these little plastic disc guns! Aw, I haven't seen one of these since Cleveland's wedding. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two young people, in the bonds of holy matrimony, consecrated before God Almighty.

ThAnk you. HA, Thank you. Thank you. Ahem, Thank you. Ya, Thank you. It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail for the new colony of Rhode Island. You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First thing, first thing I'm gonna do,

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding!

(CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw.

"Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore.

well, If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley! No, it's not him. Oh. Besides its beautiful historic architecture, Munich was the home of many great writers such as Thomas Mann. You will find more on Germany's contribution to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided. Yeah, uh, About your pamphlet, uh,

Do you know he spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture of Harriet Tubman doing Gwyneth Paltrow? Yeah. Yeah, that is happening for real. Yeah. Yeah. I'll enjoy that more tomorrow.

(SCREAMS) (MEN GROANING) (CHICKEN SQUEAKS)

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING) Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay. I'm Peter Griffin, and I am The Greatest American Hero.

- Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on!

Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do. TIN MAN AND SCARECROW: What's that? Talk me out of it. BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no.

(SOBBING) He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!

I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla. Nice to meet you all. Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine.

Let's go, kids. Mom, you remember that goldfish we flushed down the toilet? He wasn't deaD. There she is. That's hER. All right, go on, just like we practiced. Hey, you. Hi. I was just, uh...

Peter, did you brush your teeth?

Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.

If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg.

Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. What girl? The lead in Titanic, the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. - Sweetheart, that was a guy. - What? That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. What? No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. (CHUCKLING) Look at you out here, on a big trip.

What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? (LAUGHS) Brian, you suck. What the devil is in here? I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie. We're a gas family now. You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle? You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman.

No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution. Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations. Aw, That's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn. You taped over our wedding video?

So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out... now that he's lost his sight. Nobody took care of me when I lost my arms and legs... and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Hey, Meg. they got a Happy Days spoof in here... but they call it Crappy Days.

Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year.

That's right. I just... I just asked that. I forgot. Hey, hey, this song made me think of you, so, wait, listen to this song. (STATIC BUZZING) Isn't that awesome? JOE: You said you weren't gonna call him. QUAGMIRE: It's not him, you big bully. Joe told me not to call you.

And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you...

That's nice of you to say, Peter. It's been so long since I've had a friend. (CRYING) You poor fellow. Gosh, there's no way you could've killed anybody. Not with those sad eyes. I'm gonna make sure everything's gonna be all right.

Truth of the matter is, I don't like my movies either,

Lois, you're overreacting. This'll all blow over by tomorrow. Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school?

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I got to hear David Mamet curse in person. Oh, there you are.

You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile. (LAUGHING EVILLY) This'll get Chris. Hey, classmates.

Thanks, Doctor. Wh--What are you doing here? I'm on vacation! Oh, And if anyone asks, I'm also on smack. Peter, this--this is a detox clinic. You can't vacation here. Why not? This place is way better than a cruise.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here! Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears...

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh!

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said. And now back to Disney's Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts.

Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum? No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.

No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Weaf World/Road Rules Challenge. You hate MTV.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

(GROANS) I'm sorry, but the Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet and Duke of Lacrosse Team already arrived two hours ago. But that's impossible!

And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family. Let's not muddy things up here. The most important thing is to treat other people the same way you would want to be treated. Oh! An eye for an eye. Well, Lois, I guess I owe you an apology. I was scared because my dad convinced me I was going to hell.

Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass! Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant! Thank goodness I've got you

It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? (DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)

All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them. Get out of here. Scat! Man, they're gonna be so good at swinging bar-to-bar when they invade. Wow, Quagmire, how did you build that part so fast? It was easy. I just followed the instructions.

And it says this next one is the "Shocking Reveal Gay Float." (GASPING) I had no idea. Hey, check it out. There's an air show.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show. How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian? (ALL CHEERING) I can't believe I agreed to four costume changes.

Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. It's okay, Daddy. I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. (COUGHING)

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Oh, my God, Chris. What's wrong? Mom, I hate it here. I want to come home. All the kids are mean, and I keep messing everything up.

Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to--

That's right, all dead.

Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down. You wanted something? Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab.

Right! It means standing up to fart, not hiding it in a pillow or holding it in till your stomach goes... (GROWLING) Now you've got it!

(STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS) No!

Hey! You said we were gonna inherit the Earth.

ANNOUNCER: Opening day, and here's the first pitch. And the season's over. You were a good sport this year, Quagmire. Well, you know, Peter, it's all in good fun, right? You know, my grandfather used to have a saying... (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Oh, my God! Come on! Get out of the trash. Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!

Hey, you know what I like to do sometimes, Juice? I like to just confess things I've done to people.

Okay, so, do you use my car, or do you have, like, a special one you brought? Umm, I'm the math tutor. Really? No way! So that means you're the... Driver's ed instructor, yes. Well, I'll be a son of a gun! (CHUCKLES) All right, time to learn math from a black guy, I guess!

Getting to the top, ahead of you, is gonna be one of the greatest moments of my life. It might even beat graduating from chiropractor school. Robert Baker.

I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.

A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat.

you better pay the proper tribute. All right, that is it! I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else!

Oh, The baby's crowning. All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves, and we'll deliver this baby. These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I always keep the gloves. Well, Maybe if I dig deeper. Nope. Just feels like more needles.

Anyway, right before he died, uh, Mr. Weed promoted me to Head of toy Development. And I've brought my attorney who confirms that this constitutes a verbal contract. Isn't that right, Saul? Yes, sir. Verbal contract. Thank you. Glad to see you all found your way over from the cemetery.

It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke,

Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie. I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I've never been to a party before. Want to watch me blow out the candles? I would love to see that. And gosh, Bobby,

I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job. Well, There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on. Go ahead, kid. Try it out. Um, Excuse me, you dropped something.

A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good.

Thanks, you guys. That was really cool. Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? Ah! You folks got a towel? Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight? Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune? People! People! Stop this craziness!

(ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said.

This country used to welcome our kind with open arms, but men like Carter Pewterschmidt use us for cheap labor, and then try to punish us when we demand to be treated like human beings. Well, no more! Immigrants built this country, and I say it's time for us to take it back! Who's with me?

Stewie, you in there? You think he's here? God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here. Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement with a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel.

Oh, a couple things, that light fixture, new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra, your garbage disposal, your dishwasher, and your new cat. (MOOING)

All right, I guess, but I'm doing you last. Joke's on him, I only got two in me. Lois, this is such a lovely home. Oh, thank you. Peter and I did it ourselves on a shoestring. Well, you could have fooled me. (LAUGHING) Oh! Well, let me show you around. This here is our living room... PETER: All right, you guys, I've got a few porn scenarios for you to choose from.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then.

Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING) Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book.

Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!

He's never coming out of that coma. aah! Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

Now, are you going to help me get those Hannah Montana tickets? Stewie, you're not going to be able to get tickets. It's, like, the biggest thing in town. It's sold out. Then you are going to help me find a way to get in. Okay, okay, I'll help you. Excellent. Wait, you managed to hunt down eight dogs that were born years ago on a farm in Texas,

Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. Wow, you're a different color than me. Would you like to be equals? Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again?

A promise I made to a friend that I had to keep. ANDY: Walk along the stone wall until you reach the tree, and that's where you'll find the rock.

I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny.

That's what I wanted to hear. Wow, Peter, a free gas card. This could save us a lot of money. Yeah, everyone except Brian, 'cause he bought a Prius. What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?

All right! Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Yay! What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. (ALL GASPING) It was a joke! I was just making a joke.

SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen. Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie? I can't find him anywhere. I sure have!

The man in white. Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!

All these landmarks are based on possibly outdated observations. That whole area could be a Walmart by now. If it is, pick yourself up some nice cheap pants, and good life to you.

- Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.

Okay, our top story tonight, a local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion, in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors.

You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. now, I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula? Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies! My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth. With all respect.

'Cause there are two kinds of people in this world, Chris. There are bullies and there are nerds. And there are hot Asian chicks. They'll do what you want. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe it, buddy. They will do what you want. Because they know. They know what you want. "Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you.

Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS) Meg, you got a minute?

Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Hey, Mom, you should try out. I mean, you majored in journalism, and you've never done anything with it. Well, I did write for my college newspaper. Yeah. Didn't you do an interview with that fast-talking FedEx guy? Yeah. I ended up dating him for three months. That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested.

Peter, what the hell's going on here? Lois, we're no longer one Nielsen family. We're 100. More boxes, more power. And I got some ideas to make TV better. (TOUCHTONES BEEPING) (RINGING) Hello, Mad Men production office. Yeah, Peter Griffin here. Could I speak with Jon Hamm, please?

Hey, while I'm at it, give me all these copies of Marie Claire. You know, in case I want to rub out that easy one... before I get Lois into bed tonight. Kathleen Turner's on Page 45. Kathleen Turner, huh? Let's see how she looks. Oh, that's a shame.

Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV? (ROBOT SPEAKING) Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here,

Hey, Lois, can I talk to you for a second? For the last time, Brian, there's no link to it anywhere online. No, no, that... That's not... That's not what I'm here for.

You look great, Lois. Anyone nailing you now? Yes. My husband nails me. This is him. Peter. You... are... gods!

Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam.

I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me!

Come on. I'll show you around. Hey, is there a bathroom around here?

Starting right... Well. not now. But soon! Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these.

And then you were supposed to come out and give me the I.D. so I could get inside.

Would that be ok? You're a good dog, Brian. A very good-- Keep it above the waist, Doc. And now part 2 of our very own Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex. Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love.

And... Uh, Do you mind?

I guess the good Lord doesn't have much use for an old man like me. Well, I suppose I could use another pair of hands on my tour. You'd give Dad a job, even knowing what a jerk he is? I have to. As you said, Peter,

but isn't it a little esoteric?

Now, you kids enjoy yourselves, and I'll create some atmosphere. This is a favorite by Men at Work. Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night.

This is my wife, Lois. Ah!

"I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you. "And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now." (WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that?

All right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence, drinking. Hey, hey, good times just walked in. (ALL GREETING) MAN: Oh, hey, he can't be in here. He's not 21. All right, just hang out here for a little bit, huh?

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! No. God! It smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?

Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

That doesn't hurt the story. And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell." But they always say, "Just chain 'em up to a pipe." Idiots.

If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian.

(LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus! Damn! Lost focus! Life over! (GRUNTS)

I'm sacrificing a goat to Toby Keith. Peter, Toby Keith doesn't want to be fed. Toby Keith wants to hunt. Hey, listen, don't tell me what Toby Keith wants. I think I'm perfectly capable... (GOAT BLEATING)

which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine. You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere... of something exactly like this that leads me to believe this probably won't work. All right, Stewie. Let her rip. All right...

Tell me something, what do you think about Rose McGowan? Yeah, she makes my turtlehead go in, too. How about Michelle Rodriguez? Yeah, me too, kind of, right? You know, she's got a cute tomboy thing where you feel like you could play softball with her, and then later on, give her the old sausage. I like you. I can tell we're going to be good friends.

And as I gazed, astonished at their lustrous brilliance, I turned to my first mate and I said, "We are looking into the very eyes of God."

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity. (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two

So, what happened? Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay.

Doodie. Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea! Oh, y'know Honey,

Hey, where's the clown? We've got to do something about this. Pack your bag, Peter. We're going to Washington. Oh, there he is. Are we there yet? No, Chris, honey, we're not. Are we there yet? No, Chris. Are we there yet? Yes, Chris, yes. Okay? We're there. Liar!

MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

I do, though. I have it memorized. Wait a second. I don't want this guy anywhere near this show! He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my God. That's an episode!

That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007, while you were supposedly in your coma. Look, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me? The truth. Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING)

First time in a while I've had wood in my lap. Are we supposed to laugh at that? 'Cause it's upsetting. Man, being out here sucks. I mean, I'm not a forest guy. I'm more of a take-it-all-in- at-the-beach guy. (SIGHS) Excuse me, sir. This is private property. What are you doing?

If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie,

no! You kNow, a-Actually, I-- I think I'm gonna be ok.

You're not welcome here! Go away!

Um... "You see, Margaret. "After 20 odd years of marriage, "your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." "Really? And I suppose you think "I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky "deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?"

Happy birthday, sweetheart. Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake?

What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God. When did God ever say He didn't want someone else being worshipped like Him?

SEAMUS: Ah, poo.

Yeah! All right! What's going on? It seems Joe has found the first scroll. He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like saltwater taffy or a Chunky. Oh, no! there's 4 tickets and one of them's gone, that--that--that-- that leaves...

"I have been meaning to contact you for some time. "I have never been able to figure out if you are famous. "You were a big deal in one thing, "but you were wearing a mask for most of it. "Do you consider your career a disappointment? "Or rather, did you exceed your own expectations? "Yours truly, Peter Griffin.

Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy. That's a good kitty. What the hell was that? Uh, Something near a window. Preferably a booth. Ugh!

It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these. Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you! Hey, what's that sound? You're urinating!

No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs. Freddie Sanford Freddie Sanford and his son Freddie Sanford In a junkyard having fun What the devil will they screw up next? (GASPING) You are Kanye West!

Ah, Ah. Don't take no for an answer, Chris. You're a Griffin. And a Griffin never knows when to stoP. CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader.

Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.

Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry.

Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois?

(SCATTING) Get out of here.

you can always buy it. (ALL LAUGHING) There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

I got a story about a fat guy who's starving and bored. Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started. You're not gonna get dinner started. She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie?

All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen.

- Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me. Peter, what the hell is this about? I'll tell you what it's about. It's about you and Ross Fishman! What? I saw you with him the other day, breaking the 5th commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois!

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there?

(CROWD SCREAMING) (WOMAN SCREAMING)

Meg, honey, are you ok? Yeah, I think so. The quahog Cable Television Transmitter. Oh-oh. You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town!

Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore.

Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel. STEWIE: Stewart Griffin, explorer, adventurer, skin-diving international playboy. (INHALES DEEPLY)

Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here.

How convenient! Blame it on someone else. Is that the kind of man we want raising these puppies? Peter?

most popular show about K.I.S.S. Lois, hurry! It's back on! Calm down, Peter. You know I wouldn't miss a second of this. Ok, let's take a call. You're on K.I.S.S. Forum. K.I.S.S. rules! Whoo! Ok, good call. Good call. Ha! Ha! All right. HEy, You're on K.I.S.S. Forum. Yeah. Um, K.I.S.S. sucks! W-whoa! Whoa! Ho! Ho! Trace the call! Trace the CALL!

Oh, the FBI is here now? Yes, sir. Right over there. Hold this. Want a breath mint? (LAUGHING) Breath mint. I ad-libbed that line. Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor.

What can I get you, sir? We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles. Don't make me beg. I did love spending time here when I was a kid. All right, Mom!

(IN DEEP VOICE) Punky... Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon. Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man.

Your eggs are cut, sir. Cut my milk! I can't, sir. It's liquid. Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy for you! Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus.

I'm asking you nicely, Brian. Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous. I see the way you look at her... Just 'cause you're a mama's boy... ...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night.

There you go. Being confident. Like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation. If that was me. I'm just saying, if that was me, they are lucky that was not me. Because if the circumstances were such as you have described them, but with me in them, that's a very different and scary outcome for those involved.

Well, yes, but I... Well, I don't see how that's anybody's business but my own. Well, how about you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other. What are they saying? Is my baby all right? They said that your baby had entered their world through the closet upstairs,

Excuse me? Sir? Mr. Elf? Sir? Hello? Young man? I don't think he even knows where he is. Do you want to just... Yeah, I mean, I'll just try and do it, I guess.

9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context. There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah.

That son of a bitch.

Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my! Do we... Do we rub his nose in it? Oh... Uh, Hi, Brian. Uh, Listen, Lois, uh, about yesterday-- Oh, Brian.

Boys, please. You used to be so close. Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together. Wow. We just finished off what was left in the kitchen. When I think back, of all the food we've wasted in this house...

I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do.

(SIGHING) You're right, Lois. Who the hell am I kidding? I can't live like this. I should never have come here. Oh, I hate to see Daddy like this. Maybe there's something you can do to help cheer him up. Don't worry, Lois. I know just what to do.

Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. If we angle it through the vent, we might be able to alert the authorities. Oh, my God! We're gonna drown!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?

Laugh and cry He 's a family guy There's Craig Hoffman. He's such a rebel. Oh, my God, he is so gorgeous. And he plays by no one's rules but his own.

You gotta be kidding me. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up. I do. I do like throw-up. All right, now let's get this diaper back on you. There's just one part left. What are you talking about? There's nothing left. Look, the diaper's completely clean. Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't.

Shut up, old man. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians.

Aw, Thanks, Muriel. So, uh, What do you guys do for fun around here? We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California, to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has. HellO? Hey, Lois. is Peter there?

Oh, boy, nice to be back home. Those seminars can wear you out. (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Wow, did you say, "Web-based Internet series"? No. Oh, my bad. Great idea for one. Where am I taking you again? You know what? Drop me off at the Marriott. I could use a drink.

Look, I bet you could squeeze through that window.

Good morning, my American family. Peter, where did you get that suit? My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp. This is how a patriot dresses, Lois. Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country. It's like loving God or a step-parent.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad,

Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead? Uh, This last one won't open. Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit. Like, uh, Like this? Ah, Here, let me get it. Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead.

Mr. Herbert! Mr. Herbert!

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Quahog's newest serial killer has struck again. Since the first victim at Quahog Park last week, three more men have been killed, all of them very, very fat. Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick. Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his.

Oh, isn't this wonderful, dear? No! No, it's not wonderful at all! There's no way in hell I'm gonna live here! This place is nothing but old people marching to their deaths!

Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? Ah! You folks got a towel? Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight? Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune? People! People! Stop this craziness! The critic from the Providence Journal is here. If he gives us a good review, the doors are gonna fly open!

(Lois) Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you! you know Brian, if I choose to make stool in my pants right now you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that? Mmm-hmm? - I'm not gonna change you. - What? I said, I'm not going to change you. You can't be serious. Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't, I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast, I just did!

Oh, Peter, you're selling your anvil? Yeah, I've had a lot of good times with this thing. (CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar!

A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration.

Han, look! Crap, there's two more of them dead ahead. It's all right, I think I can outmaneuver them.

Will you promise me you'll do that? I guess. You guess or you will? Yes, I'll hear you out. Okay, well, I can't be in a soiled diaper until tomorrow, Brian, we both know that. I'll get a rash, which could lead to an infection if left like this. All right, fine, I'll take the diaper off. That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it?

Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy!

"Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh!

Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel.

Look, you little smartass, I think you are a godless, socialist, pot-smoking,

(SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (APPLAUDING) Hello, darling Nice to see you It's been a long time

Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week? Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap. Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that? Look, I'm going to do a rally. I'll be back in an hour. A rally? Sweet.

Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.

but I may have gambled away our plane tickets. You what? How do you even do that? It's Vegas, Brian. You can gamble anything. I'd like to bet my daughter's virginity on 23. I'm sorry, it's 31. Ow! How's it going here?

Ha. Lighten up, toots. It's a party.

Shut up. Seriously, shut up. Please, you are done here. Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country. Wait, not you five. I'm gonna keep you for an experiment.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

If he pointed to the left, you did hard labor. If he pointed to the right, you died. That man was Franz Schlechtnacht. I was spared death, but I was given hard labor.

We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it. I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. (SIGHS) STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.

No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon. I was giving a piano lesson. Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man.

Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox. Classic cool. We're gonna do some toad. You in?

Oh, my God, it's Ben Fishman.

Well, Brian, it's been a productive week. I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is. Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods, who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah.

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

Lando to Enterprise! Draw their fire away from the cruisers! We're having tea, thank you very much. Yes, tea.

He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

I need to cool off.

Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie?

We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

You know, If I talked real loud like that, I could make you look like the bad guy, too. My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's havin' it all!

(FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

So, uh, What's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad? "Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch? Don't you remember? You gave me writers. "Sir, I don't want to say you're rich,

Hey, Meg, try and guess the word I'm thinking of right now. And it's not "kitty." "Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up? Yeah. It was "kitty"!

And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery.

And a busted windshield. (GLASS CRACKS) And an untreated flesh wound. Aah! (GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like.

Look, Neil, I don't... Oh, my God! Dad? Dad! The reason I'm not responding is because I'm not this "Dad" person. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin.

Oh. I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got. Carol, it's so good to see you. You, too, Lois. God, that is one nice ass. Thank you. You're welcome. This is nice. This is very nice, the time that we're spending together right now.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.

"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!" Whoa! Aah! Are you Timmy?

shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!

it's that the ex-wife always falls in love with her husband again after he befriends a little kid. Okay. And the kid needs to be really cute, so I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. (DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you! (EXCLAIMS) We got to get you to the hospital!

Peter, it's okay. It's not okay. You don't know what it's like.

Although it's not the first time you've surprised me. Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh.

Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And Space Ghost. What are you doing?

Look at me! Ooh-ooh-ooh. In my office. Now.

Someone to strive for

Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved! Really? Are you sure it's England? Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover. Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white. So, we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer. Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over?

Well, you could, you could take my wallet. My MasterCard's in there. Although, to be honest, I'll probably just cancel it before you can use it. So... Oh, um... Give me that hole punch! (LAUGHING) Yeah! Is this-- Is this your hole punch or the-- or the train company's? Well, that's... You know what? I got-- I got to pay for that.

Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle?

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox.

Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

I fucked your dad.

I have enormous psychological problems, and I'm going to take them out on you.

we may have to give up Christmas altogether. Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News. Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that?

Well, I tried. I even hired M. Night Shyamalan to direct my TV commercial. I have a secret to tell you. What is it? Come closer. I see good food at competitive prices. At Big Pete's House of Munch. Stop on by. Unfortunately, they couldn't air it,

You wanna try...

There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator!

(EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Family Guy is brought to you by AXE Body Spray. AXE Body Spray. Spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower. Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh?

GIRL: Ball, please. Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks. My God, she's incredible.

Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

What about the boat? Leave it! Hurry, Peter! They're almost here! We're too late! Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game, and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's googatz. Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

"Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me. "Their plans somehow relate "to the anniversary of my escape from the womb. "I'm still haunted by the memories "of how I was incarcerated "in that amniotic Attica.

Meet George Jetson His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife

I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself. Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one. (ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches!

See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative.

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth. God created everything, and the world is getting colder. What is your tax plan? That's odd. What?

Man, look at all these chicks. (EXCLAIMS) If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop? Use the rubber stoppers on the front.

(LAUGHING) I know, huh? Classic. (CLICKS) I got to forward this to my bud. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (LAUGHING)

That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own. undefinedHow about a movie? " don't go out with dudes. Mom, Dad, am I ugly? Of course not, sweetie.

thank you very much. ThAnk you. HA, Thank you. Thank you. Ahem, Thank you.

tonight's guest of honor, Mr. Brian Griffin. Thank you very much. "She was grace in name and in essence. "To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light. "And, to me, also sorrow,

Boys, to your Rascals! He went into James Woods. Let's spread out and find him. We'll head him off at the... (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

We're here with The Good Wife's Christine Baranski. So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, is that right? Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill. Ah! But my character on The Good Wife is such a complete departure from Maryann. Ah! You've also had quite a stage career. I believe you won a Tony Award.

To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God!

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going. What the deuce?

I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet.

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello. Peter, congratulations on taking down that monster, Dr. Hartman. Yeah, what'd you do with your pain and suffering money?

Ya! Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems.

Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God!

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do. - Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie.

(LAUGHING) (LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire?

I say we leave her behind and marry that hot new assistant from my work. Look, Ben freezing to death was one thing. We had nothing to do with that. But we just let Ross and Pam walk back up there, probably to their deaths. And you know what? That's not who we are. We're the Griffins. And you know how we win? You know how we keep from being second-best?

There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.

You know, Lindsey, I just want to say how nice it is to have such a beautiful young woman in our home. Oh, a baby. I almost had one of you twice. (LAUGHING) Who didn't, right? So, what are you two up to tonight? Well, we really haven't decided yet. Eh, I'll think of something while I'm taking a chick dump in your parents' bathroom.

- Give you $1 for this. - Sold. Brian, where's Rupert? I just left him here to watch my things. Uh-oh. What? Nothing, I haven't seen him. It's not like him to wander off. Rupert? Rupert! Oh, no.

(PETER SCREAMING)

All right! Her first drum solo. Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you.

The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase,

(PANTING) I got you now, Briggs.

Oh! They're sending him in. Yay, Chris! Atta boy, Chris! Hey, uh, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad? Because you don't have a bottom, son. Ah!

Nice going, fat-- Hey, hey, I was just trying to save your lives. But now you're all gonna die. There's No one who can land this plane. I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black! She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? It was a movie in the '70s.

MEG? Jeff? Wow! Hey, What are you doing here? They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out. Ah! What the heck? NudisT! My dad's a tailor, you jerk! Gosh, that's awful!

After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone.

They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING)

Well, it wasn't me!

Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester.

I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad. Don't! (SNIFFLING)

Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready. Maybe if you loosen my chains? We tried that. Remember, honey? You can't be trusted. Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat, "I hate you. "You are a bad man. "And you made me cry. "Furthermore--"

Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do? Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything. Lois, you're not gonna believe this!

Think fast! Wow! Deodorant! Are you sure I'm old enough? I think so. I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.

Oh, Because it's not kosher. Yeah, let's go with that. Can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math homework. Chris, he's just a baby. Oh, And you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again? Hmm? The University of Duh? I can help you with your homework, son.

All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now.

I'd sell my soul to be famous! Oh! I got a live one! Peter GriffIN. Ooh. Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. Oh, And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?

(SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.

but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food.

Hey, guys, guys, get this. So Lois wants a part-time job, right? So I'm like, "I got a job for you, baby, right here." See look, This zipper's been broken for over a month. I gotta use a damn safety pin. Hey, if Lois is looking for a thrill, I could get her a job with the airline. Stewardesses get to travel to all kinds of exotic places,

But abortion helps me get my homework done. And sometimes I abort in my sleep! What am I supposed to do about that? Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this.

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.

I mean, he's doing his thing. And you got to match his energy level without looking like you're trying to one-up him, 'cause, you know, that's a game you're just not going to win. What was it like having the privilege of performing the words of Oscar winner Diablo Cody? She's a goddamn over-priced call girl who got lucky once. (EXCLAIMS) That doesn't sound like an interview answer.

There's Waldo. Fresh pepper? Yes, thank you.

Ahh! Ahh! Ha! Ugh!

I got bEER. Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

Uh, e-e-Excuse me. Yeah, uh, Hi, i'm--I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, uh, as many of you may know,

Oh, Chris took her into his room about 10 minutes ago. What? That whore! She's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan.

What are you doing? Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding. No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you. I love it. I will kill you.

That's not how it is, Stewie.

Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything. You want me to drag my sack across your face?

(GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries. What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr. Griffin, what did you expect? They have 100 lawyers, and you tried to bribe me with a subscription to Grape Soda Today, which I already have! Case dismissed.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I guess it's-- it's up to us, as parents, to be a part of the solution. I'll go talk to the principal tomorrow. Thanks, honey. The safety word is "banana." - I love you. - ugh!

Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune. But we're not allowed to return gambling losses. Well, I think you can make an exception in our case, Lenny. See, I'm an Indian, too. Excuse me? You heard me. I'm a member of your tribe. And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe. Whoa, Whoa. Wait a second. Not so fast. Tell me of your history, of your past.

It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

Cool, cool. I'll follow you in my car. (WHISPERING) Come on. We're going. All right, hold on. Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for? So you can fuck dogs?

Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading?

Apparently, Chris and Meg are switching places with Peter and Lois for the week. (LAUGHS) Hey, Mom, do you mind if I go shopping with Jennifer after school? No, Peter, no, no, you're still you. You're just a teenager. You're not switching genders. Ah. I shall return.

- Ok! Me next! Me next! - Ugh!

Um... Well, I'm Peter, and that's Joe, and that's Quagmire. Name's Billy, Billy Finn. It's got "fin" in it. I didn't pick it. Luck of the draw. (CHUCKLES) Say, you want me to try and get you one of those cars from down there, yeah? (GASPS) You would do that?

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Hi, Mr. Tucker. I brought some Rice crispy treats 'cause I remember you saying you liked them. See, look. This one, it's in the shape of a heart. I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.

Thanks for your help, Griffins. Brian, do you really think Loretta is beautiful? Absolutely. That's really how I feel. Now, it is true her personality is abrasive. Slightly abrasive. But overall, Loretta is a delightful person, very pleasant to be around and free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

and he had the complete DVD set of Sex and the City between his butt cheeks.

I'm just saying, maybe we have a poltergeist. Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts. It's all just... (GASPING) Oh, I must have accidentally stacked all those things upside down and then just forgot about it. Yeah, that's probably what happened.

if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water. No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first, did you actually sit in the water or was that...

All right, Peter. Here we are. Well, everything looks fine. All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.

No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter!

and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC,

Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

Please come in. It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family. yes We do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. It's almost their bedtime. State your names. Meg!

"but when you walk into a bank, "all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'" That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish. Well, He's only half-Jewish. You're fired. Here's the thing, Griffin. Some troublemakers in Congress are trying to shut us down. We need someone important, like you,

Wow, that sounds amazing. It is.

Not until I have my husband back!

hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this.

Easy girl. What the hell are you doing?

A scientist. A novelist. A Cambridge don. Oh, What's my future coming from these squalid surroundings? Getting into a fight with some dude at the Laundromat because he was hitting on my baby's mama? I should be there, not here! London. Hey, Dad? Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at K.I.S.S.-Stock?

Uh, Do you mind? As a matter of fact I do, you crazy broad. I am not a crazy broad! Oh, no, Lois. He didn't mean you're crazy like, uh like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy like that glue. You stick to things. You know, Like an adhesive. Ha.

All right, what do you say we get this thing started, huh?

This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired.

Hi, sweetheart! Ok, so, you want the full wash and, uh, oh, You've got a nick there. I can get that out for you. Now, if you want to go with a scent, I've got P.B. and J., Sugar Cereal, and New Toy.

You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some.

Happy birthday, sweetheart. Lionel Richie's Can't Slow Down? Great album, Lois. Great album.

What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals.

Maybe he's forgotten you Chumba Wumba gobbledy gorse Count yourself lucky you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour!

We'll just have to wait till next year.

Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day.

Oh. Here's the problem. What? What is it? The transfer circuits are powered by uranium, and this thing is tapped out. Wait a minute. Are you saying we need to find some uranium? I'm afraid so. But where do we find uranium in World War II Europe?

and I found this stick. I thought you might like it. Wow. Thanks a lot. And I got you this bag of weed. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you. Gosh, thanks. Check you later, handsome guy. Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy.

You probably bought me another 3 minutes! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day. First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual.

(CLEVELAND BEEPING) CLEVELAND: You sure this is where we'll find Captain Solo? Yep, this is it. Corner of Tatooine Way and Martin Luther King Boulevard. Hi, Artoo! You wanna come play? CLEVELAND: Sure! Here I am on Tatooine

In fact, I was just saying that the other day to all the guys down at the brewery. Brewery? I thought you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire. He's a fake! Look, this cowboy hat comes right off. Coming here was a huge mistake, Lois.

Slut! How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me!

Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again.

Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world. Oh, oh, Funny sailing story. A guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean and he sees a little black dog. Let me tell ya, This dog's been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter. Peter, maybe this isn't the place--

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where there ain't no cellulite Where there ain't no cellulite And we'll drink ourselves insane And we'll drink ourselves insane Until we're feeling Until we're feeling Dynamite Dynamite

LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock.

This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School. Goat flu? You got to be kidding me. Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this.

James, what are you doing here? What's going on? Hello, Peter. Would you like some cold roast beef? What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight.

(BOTH MOANING) Don't you miss your family? What, that lady and those kids? I don't even remember them. How could I miss them? I almost don't want to ask you out because I know you're gonna say no. You want to go out? No? Okay. Giggity.

Hey, check it out, you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo. (ALL LAUGHING) She should've handed out cigars after that one. That's hilarious. You should e-mail that to me. Hey, did you guys see the game last night?

Lois, are you out of your mind? We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out!

Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

I already started writing the ticket. You know, I make your annual salary in a week. Are you happy doing what you're doing? 'Cause you're pathetic. (SIGHS)

It's not prostitution. You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress.

I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.

Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Little story brewing there? Working on? Working on that for quite some time, huh? Talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative. Beginning, middle, and end. Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer for the experience? Yeah?

Look, there's pretty solid evidence that this guy is responsible for the elimination of the entire human race, and we need to take him out. Okay, okay, you're right. But he trusts me, so you guys wait here, and I'll go lure him out.

I've never been happy. Oh, Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?

(BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.

All right, boys, pack up the dough and get out of there. Joe, stop! Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to try to talk some sense into you. Do you really want to go through with this? I have to, Lois, for my family. I don't know where else to get $20,000. But you know Daddy'll find out.

I can't believe we're going to the theater the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle. I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads?

Everyone, I have something to say. I've given this long and careful thought, and I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them. - You what? - That's right, and I want your blessing, Peter. You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get. You can't have their baby! Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant.

ANd a--And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o!

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS) (THUDS) (STEWIE SCREAMING)

Well, What do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke!

(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one. Brian, what happened? I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, I'm the most hated person in town. I tried to rent a movie and they threw me out. I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out. But the most serious part of it is no bar would serve me a drink.

(SIGHS) Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg. I feel the warm, healing, liquid presence of God's genuine, cold-filtered grace. It was my pleasure, Brian. And now we get to do the work of the Lord. Come on. What? What are we doing? God's will, Brian.

You're a meanie! (CRYING)

(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House. You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh? I think I can get on board with that.

Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day.

No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.

Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up, just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we? Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand?

And besides, it's just nine months. Then everything will be back to normal. REPORTER ON TV: We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. A devastating pileup on I-95 has injured eight people and killed two others. Naomi and Dale Robinson were pronounced dead on arrival at Quahog Hospital. Oh, my God! In other news, a local man has won the lottery.

(ALL SCREAM) What the hell? (CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television. Now it's just a big, old, silly mess.

I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you Yeah, I'd die for you You know it's true

That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police!

I don't expect you to wait for me, Meg. No, I will, Luke. If it takes 10 years or 20 years, I will be here when you get out. Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict!

I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker. ahh! Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall! I'm on it, Meg.

Oh, no, no. No, you don't get to talk to me like that anymore. Not unless you want me to blab about what happened on the yacht. What are you getting at, Griffin? That's right, you're gonna start doing a lot of stuff for me. Like what? Well, for starters, - you got more than one limo? - Yeah. You and me are gonna do a limo joust. What the hell is that?

And those two bums turned to me and said, "You're not funny, Peter." In my own house! Well, what was the bit? Okay, ready? I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my.

STEWIE: Ooh! Ooh! There he is. There he is. Right there. BRIAN: Ah, found him. That was a tricky one.

Dear God! But wait, there's Superman. He'll save us. Superman! Superman! Wait, wait. Where are you going? To hell with him. We'll have to deal with these marauders ourselves. Rupert, man your station. All right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! (YELLING)

It's Chris' blanket. We got to do something about this. I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible. Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.

Back to you, Tom. Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this. Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm somebody now, you know? I don't have to lie to people about my life anymore.

You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.

Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY

Swanson, what the hell's going on in here? I'm sorry, Chief. I just can't let them bulldoze this building. Hey, Joe, is this the same chief whose wife is a real hog? Swanson, don't be a fool. You really want to throw away your career on this?

This guy's asking for it. But Dad... I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice. Ok. Go! Oh! Oh! aah!

but I think the two of you need to be punished. Look, it was an accident, okay? I mean, you can always buy another one, right? Buy another one? You know, I don't think you kids appreciate how hard your father and I work to provide you with everything we do.

They already been shrunk.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping!

Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club. Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food.

Oh, Dad, I think this is Mr. Quagmire's driveway. Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees? Well, there's a lot of trees around here. How do we know we're in the right spot? PETER: I think it's a safe bet this is the place.

(HUMMING JAWS THEME)

You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs. Suddenly

Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on? Yes. You're right, Brian. There is. Meg seems to think she's taking some kind of stand here, that's gonna make us all feel like we're inadequate. My God, you're condescending.

Well, uh, I can't just... You're--You're my best friend's wife. Reach into... All right! Yeah, you go in and get that. Show that fishy who's boss.

Hey, Your sister say anything about me? Oh, my God! I'm missing the news! We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient. And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. - Really? 64? - Yes. Now I thought she was dead. Nope. She's alive.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING) I can't believe they fired you. Can't you go down to the school and try to reason with them? No, I'm banned from school property.

Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! All in a day's work. Remember, If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone.

How are you gonna eat me? I'd invite my friend Rudy over, and the 2 of us would give you a "double dip." Ooh. Ok, Bachelor Number 2. I'd lick off all the cream and give you my special whipped topping. HA-ha. Sounds good. Bachelor Number 3? I would try to eat you really fast before I got flaccid.

At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants Oh, pee jokes! We've traveled a bit, and we've found like a masochist in Newport we're Rhode Island bound Crazy travel conditions, huh?

How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello! Max Weinstein? Look, I'll do what I can, but I don't know why you think I can get your money back. M-m-max, Max, Max, let's not deny our heritages. You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade. Now Help me get my money back.

Oh, this is gonna be great. I hear she puts on an amazing show. She does. You'll be amazed that that voice comes out of that face. Oh, thank God, we made it in time. I didn't realize how far that awful hotel is from the Strip.

(GASPS) I must notify Gossip Girl! "Pass this along to Gossip Girl." (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (PHONE BUZZING) (GASPS) (BUZZING)

This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland. Is Portland the black one? Portland is the black one. Joe, what the hell is this? Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days the only reason I hung out with you guys is that I was crippled and you were lazy. I decided it's time I got some friends more suited to my status.

No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.

All right, let's hurry up and find a way out! (GASPING) Well, well, it's quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem.

No? CHILDREN: Yes.

Yeah! Go, white girl! Hey, yo, you're getting your grinder on my grinder! And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin!

Is it you, Naomi? You got a bum cervix? Peter! It's nobody's fault. Conception is complicated. Dale, it's you, isn't it? You got a bum dong. Will you help us, Lois? Well, I'm honored that you would ask me, Naomi. I'll have to think about it.

And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost! Come on, everybody. Let's sing a song. - Oh, Ah, - AH! Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot left foot, right foot

We now go live to the local black man. Well, the money helps but I'll always feel my ancestors' pain. Hey, Hey, from down there does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?

I got a D. A D? That's fantastic!

Go ahead, kid. Try it out. Um, Excuse me, you dropped something.

Look at Julie, Brian. She's absolutely beautiful. (DOORBELL RINGS) Julie! Hi! We were just talking about you. Hi. Do I know you? Oh, right. Yeah, no, you don't, you know Karina. I'm her brother, Stewie. It's nice to meet you. Is she home?

How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice,

Everybody did. (HORN BLOWING) Threepio, tell them to let us go. What the hell am I supposed to say? Tell them if they don't let us go, you'll become angry and use your magic.

It looks like somebody's gonna live to see puberty. Oh, My God! That man just took our money! What man?

Double the freshness

We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go. That's why that little symbol with the two crossed arrows is up there in the corner. There's your problem. Oh, my God! I feel silly.

Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad? Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years.

(CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range. I mean, yeah, you can wish it, and you can do it, but only if you have the educational advantages,

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

I will take Drakkar Noir. (WARBLES)

(ALL GASPING) ALL: Oh. (GRUNTS) (CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring.

First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world. Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons.

Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls! Get 'em now, folks! You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

(STEWIE) Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch. Maybe you should see if Peter will still take you back.

What a great little party, Janet. You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much. Oh, no. It's not on his tail. It's on his face. I've ruined it.

So you're calling me a liar? Well, I'm gonna take the high road and stick to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby.

No, of course you didn't, you worthless little...

BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not.

(SOBBING) Hey, there, young one, why so sad? It's just that I really like this boy, but his dad... Oh! Look out. (MEG SCREAMS) - (THUDDING) Sorry, there. Didn't realize how long it had been since Ol' Dumper did his business.

Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Fish out of water!

Did you hear? I am to be married! Hooray! When am I to find a gentleman to wed? Well, I don't know why anyone should want to marry. Oh, Emily, a fortnight in town will make you a match. Yeah. Say that after a fortnight in town, bitch. Hey, everybody. Look what came in the mail.

Let him answer, Lois! I said, no one knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. Fellows, please keep it civil. I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave. Well, Throw down, if that's what you want. Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor. Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to? New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester.

Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex.

Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm And we don't tan well, either. From a drunken Irish dad

She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. What? Kick them around? Um, wait. Yes. Welcome, citizens. Today we commemorate those brave Quahog soldiers who perished in the recent Gulf conflict.

- Darn it. - Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ? Why is math so hard? Well, you know, it doesn't have to be. One trick I used to use is turning things into a word problem. For example, if there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club and 28 guys at the circuit party,

You took me away from a Swedish girlie-girl and her paralyzed, but trusting, cousin for this? $1,000 says I live. A thousand clams, huh? - What the hell? - Ok.

We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes.

Don't dawdle, Jonas. Play your exercises. Brian, You're home early. What happened with your daTe? same thing that always happens. She was an idiot. Oh, Brain. Don't slow down, Jonas. Keep the rhythm. Brian, your standards are ridiculously high

Yeah, You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you? Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh... the new Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00? Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot...

Who wants a half and half? I'll throw my hat into that ring. Wait a minute, Dad. I think maybe I should go with her.

We're still ironing that one out. Hey, what's in there? Oh, I'm sorry. That's off-limits.

You know, Chris, I knew this day would come. So, I brought you a condom. Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain. MAN: What the hell are you doing? WOMAN: Give that back! MAN: Man! WOMAN: Now, where were we? MAN: This is much better.

Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley... and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood. Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways.

Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok!

I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

I fucked your dad.

Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies!

Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? That's odd. I thought that would be big news. You thought what would be big news? Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.

I can do even better than that, Brian.

But I don't know.

(GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING)

I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said?

I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow. And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty. The Queen, eh? I'd like to mash my banger in her blood pudding. Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus.

I'm completely defenseless right now. Okay, there you are. Well, this is a gift, Brian. Thank you for making it so easy. Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor. I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore.

Hey, This house looks kind of familiar. I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian! All right, Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from... Oh, my God! Uh, Hey, you guys! Hey, Brian? Can I be in the movie? WEll, actually, One of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up.

"Probably hogging blankets."

(CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch. (FART)

'Cause I mean, what else is she doing right now? I don't think he's got the leverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore. I mean, that's... That's where it's gotten. So... Anyway, that's what happened to my shirt.

Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"? I say, Janet, do you like this couch?

no overtime, no health benefits, and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth. Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now. Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree?

Here you go. Thanks. What's this? That's your gun. Buy some liquor, get a free gun. Is that, like, a special you have on now or something? Nope, Texas state law. You have a nice day now. State law? God, this place officially sucks worse than the WNBA. And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9.

Well, good night, Karina.

Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

I can't believe how hard you're making me work. Well, I do have a very good virginity coach. No, no, no. Okay, I think I got it. How's this? (IMITATING) No, no, no. No, no, no.

And one, 2, 3. And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, 2, 3.

Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes.

All right, Joe, we're here. All right, Peter, Quagmire, start the diversion. Cleveland, find that door. PETER: Check. QUAGMIRE: Check. Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap and play some of this. One, two, three, four.

Help! Help! Somebody, help me! Ben Stiller, help me. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies. - How did you hear? - Hello! Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.

which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha! Is it... Is it Kroiger? Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him!

Peter, look! The Clam! Ahh! This is horrible! You think this is horrible, try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother! What about your bar? It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes. Who'd buy a wrecked bar?

And now, We turn our attention to the lighting of the flame. And these games are underway!

New York can be pretty harsh, especially to outsiders. Hello, New York! (SCREECHING) Maybe you're right. I'll think about it. Anyway, can I have that back? It's my only copy. Your only copy? Yes. And thank you for being a good friend and telling me the truth, Brian. I know that was hard for you.

That was so humiliating! I mean, look at all the stuff I put myself through just to get laid. Don't worry, my friend. One day you'll find your soul mate. The sad thing is, I already did, years ago. Tracy Flannigan. She was the greatest girl I ever met, and I blew it.

I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

Oh, That's a bad mud puddle. I wouldn't want you to step in that and get your nice shoes all ruined.

Well, I guess we don't have a choice. I am oddly prepared for this. Brian, I know this is gonna sound petty in light of the fact that we just actually ate the flesh of another human being,

VENDOR: Butt scratcher! Get your butt scratcher here! Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm gonna be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd? I think that they're gonna have,

Hey, is it prescription or perscription? I think it's prescription. Prescription... That just feels weird in my mouth. Perscription is better. Oh, and there's the ER. Don't go in there unless you want everyone to yell at you.

All right, you all set, honey? LOIS: I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting. But it's for my little girl. Dad, how do you know Neil will show up? Don't worry, Meg. I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse.

(SCREAMING) Where are we? I think we're in Germany. Look, there's the Black Forest.

I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

We gotta get in there! Hey, got one more here! (IN GIRL'S VOICE) Oh! Where are we? I'm from Atlanta. I don't know where we are! Hey, you better hurry. They're starting soon. You know what's messed up? This is all for charity. All the proceeds are going to Oxfam.

Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart. Goodbye, big fart. So, Dylan, shouldn't you be in school? I don't know. - It's Wednesday. - Up yours! Nice kid. Say, Brian, now that I think about it,

Hey, Quagmire? QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter. Hey, listen, we're at the movies and they're showing the trivia cards and there's a question up there that's just stumping us. It's, "What color is this?" QUAGMIRE: Well, what color is it? That's what I'm asking you. QUAGMIRE: I don't understand, Peter. You're there. Look, maybe you don't understand.

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother! How could you, you--

Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going?

So, What were you wanting to work on? Cardio, upper body, what? Upper body, definitely. I--I need to get buff so I can get my tricycle back.

Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards! I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee! Sheesh, Cleveland, your kid's a natural. With a little help, he could be a pro. Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr. sit still for anything.

What's his name? Yeah, I don't have a lawyer. And I'll tell you something about Dean Martin. He was the only guy on a golf course who had a five-iron with a cork on the end of it. So who wants to come back to the hotel and take a whack at my genitals?

Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir,

I know plenty of people who give things away. Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Free-- I'll take it! Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea. I knew there was a catch.

This is insane!

Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois.

And I don't think you've got the grapes!

Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper! You look silly. Why? You wear a diaper. Yes, but I'm a baby. People see my diaper, and they say, "Oh, how cute! I bet he smells like baby powder." They see your diaper and think, "Ew, that dog is sick. He must be dying. "I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. "Why don't they just put him to sleep?"

Well, hey, what's important is that you're here now. Let's just enjoy dinner. Yeah, can't we just have a good time? Ask Olivia. Olivia, the three of us are having a great time. What's your problem? My problem is you. You're acting like a baby! And we come to the center of the shrubbery maze. That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I'm not grown up enough for you.

Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt! Oh, I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man!

You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family.

or one of those hair color names that's a random noun, like temptress. Oh, at some point, you have to let me braid it! Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me?

We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.

What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years.

This is gonna be great. the Last time I did any male bonding was when me and Cleveland went to Chinatown. Look, forget how it happened. Can you just get us out of this?

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!

Oh, my God! You have cake? Where'd you get cake? It was Jim's birthday, but I think it's all gone. Track them. They may come around for another attack. Captain, the ship no longer appears on our scopes.

Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen. So, anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is,

Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy! That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A--

I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. So they revoked your C.P.R. card, huh? Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated.

PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.

God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, my boy Yes You're sweet as chocolate cake You bring me joy And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do

Neither of us is drunk. HEy, Knock it off! Oh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump! The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey. yeah, That's easy for you to say.

Everyone, from now on our lives will be better. We'll be wealthy, our sons will become doctors, and we'll be in charge of charity, so we don't have to contribute to them. I'm offended by that, and I'm not even Jewish.

Shh! Sorry! Sorry!

(ALL EXCLAIMING DISAPPROVAL) We were having a nice time.

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct.

Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom. Okay, how about "bathtub"? (ALL CHEERING) Okay, name something you find in your bathroom. A razor blade and a note?

Yeah, we'll figure it out tomorrow. Come on, Brian. You ready to go home?

You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!

MADAME CLAUDE: And so Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

I'm great That's good Ha-ha Knock wood - Well, well That's life What do you know? How's the wife? Got to run Oh, my - Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

For example, you're all shooting up. Why not share needles? That's a no-brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. My second piece of advice,

Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

Five and six. About the same? Yeah, they're pretty much... Can I see five one more time? Five and six. Yeah, they're about the same. Greetings, unwashed masses.

You're wrong. I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

I had no idea. Hey, check it out. There's an air show. (PLANES WHOOSHING) Oh, my God, they're gonna crash! No, no, don't worry. It's a gay air show. They're just gonna lightly touch tips. CROWD: Aw! And, we're back everybody!

(SIGHS) Hey, Lois, can I talk to you for a second? For the last time, Brian, there's no link to it anywhere online. No, no, that... That's not... That's not what I'm here for. Look, Lois, you did what you did, and there's nothing you can change about that.

So, have you seen Ghostbusters?

I got it! Peter, Where's Chris? Heh, heh. I love you, She-Hulk. All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty.

Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation?

All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left.

(MAN READING) The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country,

things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks.

Oops. A crack in the floor!

(ALL CHEERING) Wow! What a hero. Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?

I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country! Come on, kids. This is treason! Oh, For God's sake, Peter, make an example of her! Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post. Let's go. We're crossing the border. Good-bye, President Griffin. Well, Brian, at least you're loyal enough to stay with me. Ah, I've stuck by you through worse.

Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally. Get Lois on the phone, have her wire us some money, and let's get the hell out of here. Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty. yech.

(EXCLAIMS) He said it! He said it!

it'll be a fun way to pass the time. Okay. Are you gonna be cool? Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool about that. (STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it, and they're willing to do it around me all the time, because they know I'm so cool about it, and I don't judge them. So, you know, go ahead... Well, here we go.

A pilot error. Jeez, I probably shoulda worn mittenS!

They've re-entered the atmosphere! (CHEERING) I'm not cheering. I don't even know them.

(BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles!

We can't live like this forevER. It's not forever. You know, it's just, uh... It's juSt, uh... Y'know... Peter, I'm up here. Oh, Sweetie. Maybe you should go over to Joe's and return his pool, huh? Forget it! We're a real country. And we deserve all the rights and privileges that everyone else getS.

(HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie. All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING)

Hey, Dad? Can I talk to you? Not now, son! Oh, uh, Sure. Go right ahead. I don't want to be a Scout, Dad. I just don't have fun there. I guess you're pretty disappointed in me. Well, Yeah! Dad, this is what I really like to do. What? You want to draw?

Something good. Something good. You really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week. That is sensational. You really made me feel confident about those numbers. Listen, if you're ever looking for a change of scenery... we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati. - That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was.

I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks. Who cares? I don't need Quagmire. And I certainly don't need Joe.

Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money. You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share.

We're gonna be late for church. Move it! Damn leafers. Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

What the hell are we gonna do, Stewie? We have no money, no way to get home, and one of the loan shark's goons is probably gonna bust through that door any minute and kill us both. I wish my daddy were here. He always knows what to do.

How about that magician, huh? Yeah, he's great. I love magicians. I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy. - I'm a magician. - You are? How long have you been doing magic? A long time. I used to work with Doug Henning. Wow. Yeah. Want to see my Doug Henning?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go practice. Oh, my God, dad! My earring! Dad, stop!

Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Too late! There they are! Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands.

Oh. Well, Did you save it? Uh, No. You bastarD.

Nothing. I know when you're lying to me, Brian. no, No, I swear. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. What--What are you doing? Oh, You don't know that either? Last chance, Brian.

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out!

Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke!

Would you fuck me?

I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please?

Everything's gonna be all right. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smucker's. Peter, I don't know what you think you're doing, but you've ruined my Sex Ed class.

That's enough, Stephanie.

I hope this doesn't make you feel awkward, my man. It was a long time ago. Hey, that's a beautiful baby. Mind if I hold him? Go right ahead.

People are gonna miss me when I'm...

No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott. Oh, damn! I was just there. Really? Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida. (GASPS)

Chris, grab a guitar. Brian, take the drums. Here, Stewie, play with this. Mom, can we please just get out of here? - Oh, my God. - Who is she? God, I could strangle her all night long. Boy, that's not healthy, is it? That that's the first place I go to? Hit it!

Chris, this is our house. Ah. Then what is for dinner? Pork chops. Excellent. Chris, have you been to any other houses? I have not. Would you like to come in? Please.

it was time to tell the truth. Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite dish! Oh? And who diD? I was just a 15-year-old girl. But at that moment, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make new friends. But only one chance to get a new car. And I had to take it.

Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry, i--i--I can't eat this. Oh, Because it's not kosher. Yeah, let's go with that. Can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math homework.

Hey, Margaret tha-- Ugh! What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved. No. That's just our women.

This is gonna be awesome! You said it. (IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet? (IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny. (IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man. Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious. Total kitsch. Like an Andy Warhol wet dream.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Come on, guys, let's head over to my crib. Hey, you guys mind scooting over a little bit? Ooh. Sorry, Peter, doesn't look like there's any room.

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back. God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it.

Yeah. If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were because we're out.

No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard, but Peter and I aren't together anymore. What? Why? It's a long story. You don't want to hear about it. Shut your face. I want to hear all about it. But listen, I got all this shopping to do, so you want to stop by tomorrow night? I'll just whip something up. Well, sure.

Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room!

All right, Lois. Here's six cobras, a bolt of silk, and a ram's horn. Peter, what the hell? Hey, can you help me with the 20 paper bags of dates I got in the car? Why the hell would you get 20 bags of dates? The monkey in the little vest who was selling them happened to be very persuasive. (SIGHS) You know what? Fine. I'm just gonna assume this will pass,

Wow, this is amazing, Chris. Look at this, Lois, a week ago, we call him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. Right, stupid? (GROANS) I'll do better.

These are mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug. Makes you see weird things and feel happy for a few hours. I figure we're going to be stuck inside for a while with this storm, so, it'll be a fun way to pass the time. Okay. Are you gonna be cool? Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool about that. (STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it, and they're willing to do it around me all the time,

Your husband's work and poker game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there, too, but I don't mind if you don't. Uh. Thanks. By the way, Meg, I forgot to tell you, your grandfather needs you to pick him up at the airport. Ugh! Grandpa always makes me so nervous when I'm driving.

Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true. That's right, little buddy.

All right. All right. That's it. That's enough. Peter, what are you doing? Lois, if you being a model means you're going to be eye-candy...

The drunk old Injun squatting in his teepee Firewater keeping him warm ANNOUNCER: Jewish Nose. She's got a big beautiful Jewish nose And it's there two minutes early wherever she goes ANNOUNCER: Dean Martin singing Chinaman's Chance.

- Psst. Hey, dog. - What? You want in? Yeah. Ugh, look at this. She's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover, as if she's some sort of hip hybrid of those two things. Ugh, yeah, like she could ever write Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin. But you can call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.

We interrupt this program with a special report. Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia?

This is so cool! Hey, what are you wearing, so I make sure I don't wear the same thing? Um, you're not invited, Meg. What? But it's at my house. Uh, Connie, let me handle this. I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come. There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of. Hey, Chris, come on!

Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE?

You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

"He rubbed her shoulder sensually." What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder. Why don't you and that book get a room? Did you hear what I said, Brian?

Here you go. Maybe this'll help. All right, here it is. "To vanquish poltergeists, one must restore all disturbed remains "to their original resting places." So all we got to do is bring the skull back home and bury it.

Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody. (SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean?

You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk? Yeah, on the catwalk?

Come on, you guys. No time to lose! Ahh! Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

(SIGHS) All right, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven. All you have to do is turn it to 350 at about 5:15. Yeah, okay, Lois. Are you listening? Yeah. What did I just say? Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15. I heard it! All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished.

and I could never hurt you.

I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)

Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun. I got it under control. Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut!

And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV.

Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop!

That's how the kids know Santa was here! Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... I'm telling you how it's done. They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich!

Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

Because the economy's so bad, they've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons. Yeah, yeah. And they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress. I don't get that one! Hi, there, Jeff. Hey, what's going on, dudes? Brenda just fell.

eh... Ah! Ah! Ow! Oh, God! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(GASPING) Oh, my God! Carolyn? Quagmire? Cleveland, close the window! You're letting the stank out!

(GRUMBLING) We're also gonna stop reading employee emails. (MUMBLING) Our servers. And from now on it's against the rules to pat female employees on the fanny. (MUMBLING) Like touching butts! And tell the African-American elevator attendant he no longer has to wear white gloves.

- No. That's orbit. - Huh? You have your own gravitational pull. Oh, that's a bunch of crap. MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

Well, not all kids make it, Lois. Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em.

Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip.

It was A gLorIous summer in Oxford when I met Freddy Cavendish, a most remarkable young man, whose friendship would change my life forever. You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar.

I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever. I gave out all my invitations yesterday. Hey, Chris, I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party tomorrow. Thanks, Dad. I'd love to. Oh, no! M-E-G. Hey.

Look, there's Central Park! There's the Empire State Building! There's a hot-dog cart! Chris, don't spoil your appetite. New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. Not the "ho-ho" kind, but the "mm-mm" kind. Welcome to the Big Apple, fella. Yes, just Make sure there's a copy of the Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.

What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible! Someday... Someday we'll make it right. You shouldn't have tried these tricks on Denise, Brian. But if you ask me, she got lucky, because now she's dodged the bullet of being in a relationship with a loser like you.

but we could use some more dessert items. (SOBBING) Oh, I miss my baby so much, and I'm more of a chocolate person than a fruit person.

We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes. We certainly do get around Like A bunch of renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony we're Rhode Island bound Or like 2 college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown

Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be ready in five minutes. You'll be on the panel with Arianna Huffington and Dana Gould. Wait, wait. My publicist told me Christopher Hitchens would be on the panel. No, we told him Dana and Arianna two hours ago. I did my prep research on Christopher Hitchens. I am so sorry. I am done with you.

Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side.

I can see an Arby's through the trees.

What? You were supposed to pop inside real quick and find someone who looked enough like me so I could use their I.D. And then you were supposed to come out and give me the I.D. so I could get inside.

HellO? Hey, Lois. is Peter there? Oh, hi, Quagmire. No, Peter's not home. We're, uh, We're having some minor marital problems. Our therapist has advised us to date other people. Hey Lois, you want to go out?

What was all the commotion? Oh, nothing, it was just... (GIGGLING) (SHOUTING)

I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me. You just went a little overboard.

ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street

Hey, hey, you're gonna ruin that, you know. Well, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you a name. Here, take some of these for your 45s. You can't play your 45s without these little yellow things. What'll they make you buy next? Hey, hey, there they are! Stewie, what is all this?

you're probably a guy who likes to pleasure other men sexually.

at that birthday party. Okay, okay, ready? Here goes. I'm a female. I have a high voice. I have reproductive organs inside of me. And I buy groceries. Peter, your religion is an abomination.

Why are we in New York? I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon. Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects. Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.

(CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug. (CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man.

All right. I have come up with a design for Red Heinie Monkey, the head of the Handiquacks. I want only positive feedback, please. Why does he have such a big red bum? Because it's funny, Meg! People will tune in to Handiquacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it.

For Christ's... It's wedged. It's wedged. All right, okay. You know what? It's not going anywhere. Let's just take off, we'll deal with it later. You get in the cockpit, and I'll just... I'll hang onto this thing as we go.

Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that? You better play ball or we'll find someone else who will.

Do you understand? Do you understand me, sir?

Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy. (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains.

FLY: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left! No, that's not it. That's just more wall. PETER: How many eyes do you have, huh? FLY: Just two, same number as you, but you know... I'm not... PETER: Just go! Oh, my God! FLY: Whatever it is you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs.

A wall! Well, no matter. I'm prepared for a lengthy captivity as well. I swallowed this People magazine in 1989.

It turned a pretty nice profit. I guess it's only fair that I give you my percentage so you can get your house back. Quagmire, I don't know what to say. Thank you. You're welcome. And if it makes you feel better, it was money well spent. Just ask Sandra, the waitress over there. We had a great time last night.

I'm sorry, honey. I guess that things have become a little stale for me. I--i--I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples.

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there!

One of those underrated actresses that was always talented and beautiful, and never quite popped, if you know the meaning. - Who, Elisabeth Shue? - Yeah. Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas. And still so hot. Like...

Hey, guys, let's go swim in the old quarry. ALL: Yeah! Wait a minute, kids. Don't go swimming in that quarry. It's dangerous! ALL: Wow! Thanks, G.I. Jose. Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum, or cotton candy, or a stuffed animal? How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun.

So be it, A.N.N.A. I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels

MAN ON RADIO: This just in. The Weather Service has reported a big snowstorm on its way.

and besides, you have a little girl. You really want to be setting this kind of example? (SIGHS) I guess you're right, Lois. It's just that sometimes I feel like I don't even know Joe anymore. It's like I've become a different person, and so has he.

I think I have my answer. You know what? I will have some of that. - What the hell is this? - Creamed corn. I brought it from home, because I don't like the creamed corn they have here. It's too crunchy. Peter, I'm sorry, I was a jerk. Let's be friends again. Okay.

Oh, my God! It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination! Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line.

Isn't this epic, Peter? That DJ has got some mad skills. Ugh, you think they sell Anacin at the bar? Come on. Get up and dance with me, Peter. This place is sick.

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts?

you really wanted but didn't get? A phone? A pony? - A humidor? - A dead Lois?

Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps. (SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.

He was a nice boy. And he's still nice. Listen, Lois, uh, what I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world! My wife did K.I.S.S.! - And J. Geils. - What? Nothing. There it is! The BBC!

Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland...

I should be on Glee! Oh, my God. I just drove. (SQUEALS) That was amazing. I can drive! Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment. 11:45 and the lights are on.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Oh, it is so good to see all of you. How is everything at home?

Why not? Because there's no such... Because when you get there, you may find out it isn't what you thought it was, and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed. That's it? That's your reason? Well, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian? Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore.

Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel!

I won't, Adam. You're the only mayor for me. Hey, Carol. I almost didn't recognize you without my special sauce all over your face. (CLATTERING) Is somebody out there?

Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!

Calling out around the world Are you ready for a brand-new beat?

Okay, well, sperm is alive, and every time you masturbate, millions of them die, so is it wrong to kill sperm? Yes. Yes, it is. From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion. But abortion helps me get my homework done.

Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a... Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk. Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, Brian.

What are you doin' here and where are your clothes?

(SOBBING) We broke up. Spread your tiny wings and fly away And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day

She won't call. Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding.

(GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.

Oh, little guy.

Oh, thank you. (INAUDIBLE) Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish? I hope so, Meg. I really do. It's not, Lois. It's not. Dad, this isn't the way to school. Yes, it is, Chris.

(PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.

And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures. Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that?

You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend over for dinner tonight? Your what? Yes, I share your mother's skepticism. Meg, I think everyone in this household has grown weary of your tall tales.

There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.

Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?

Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter. Um, Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad. Your father? He must be a man of at least 70. Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom.

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society. But I'm gonna be different. I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done.

Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love...

Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.

I got you now, Briggs.

Damn it, Swanson. I want them found. Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads. Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"!

your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog, well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development. Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick!

What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that.

Snuggly Jeff is the most successful children's book series ever. Yeah, but I want to get into writing more serious stuff. You know, something where the reader doesn't have a load in his pants while he's looking at it.

What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it? Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him. Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!"

No, No, not silicone. Silicon. And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty. What a delightful moniker. You see, Misty, my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion.

It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?

Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach.

(CROWD SCREAMING) (WOMAN SCREAMING)

My methods are a little unorthodox, Mr. Griffin. I think I can help. What are you doing? My job. Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.

What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

Oh! Hey, Lee. Brian, this is Lee. Lee, this is Brian.

Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Goldman.

Between you and me I could honestly say That things can only get better And while I'm away

Don't censor me! No more anger!

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs. Huh. Looks more or less the same.

Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies! I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow. There's only one thing to do. We got to break it up.

Meg, help me get these down. LOIS? Oh, my God!

Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

Coo-coo-catchoo. No! Don't listen to him! That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing!

Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

(SIGHS) You know, Mom and Dad, I'm really glad that you kept me from doing what I was going to do. Well, that's what parents are for, Meg. No matter what age you are. We love you and we just never want to see you hurt.

Like this, like uh, my buddy's sister's boss, he was, uh, drinking with a hooker in this Vegas bar. Bam! Woke up without his kidney. I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club. I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket. Face it, Peter. You have a knack for saying the wrong thing.

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)

Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

(SINGING FASTER) Then all at once the trouble started A pack of murderers and thieves Like swarms of locusts they descended Their aim to make the town folk flee

Boo-ya! Triple salchow in your face! Hey, you want this? Huh? You want some of this? Oh, man, look at your rack. I'd motorboat that. I'd motorboat the hell out of it. Right after this layback spin.

He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace.

Listen, I've had a good life. And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room.

yet as unspoiled as when she was born. (ALL GASP) Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?

Our daughter hates me and it's all because of you! Me? What the hell did I do? You've made me feel so unattractive lately that I went and did something disgusting and abhorrent, and I'm ashamed of myself. Peter, I made out with Meg's boyfriend. You made out with Meg's boyfriend?

That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is. I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race.

but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this.

(ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four.

We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get.

Don't worry, Brian. I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right? Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? (DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map.

Step right up and fight my wife! Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee. Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore. Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.

I've been yo-yoing a turd for the last 20 minutes.

Patrick can't be the killer. That's what I was trying to tell you. Acknowledged. I'm on it. Joe, would you settle a camp argument? Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns. The murderer won't leave the camp. What? What are you talking about?

Good morning, Mr. Pewterschmidt. It's 8:00, and I'm ready for work. Good. Have a seat. - Drink that. - What is it? My blood. I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it. Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired.

This is where we cease to be Meg and Neil, and begin life anew as "Meil." Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts!

Good morning, Lois. My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today. Well, why shouldn't I be? You saved Rupert's life, and I love you for it. So, warn the villagers. Here comes the cuddle monster. (YAWNING) Oh, Lois, your breasts are great.

Release the virus? No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed. That's a great idea. Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady? Permission granted, sir. Be as loud as you can. I want the kids to know we still got it.

Cool! I get to be black and Irish! Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt! Oh, I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man!

Lois, what are you doing? I switched Peter's questions to the pre-school edition. Just to let him have his moment. Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks.

But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9. For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V. since you got home from work.

but first, you have to do something for me. Eat this pine cone. - Well.... - Eat it. It will amuse me. - How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful. undefinedFinish it. Eat it. " hate it. Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on.

This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) - Hey, Lois? - Shh. Quiet, Brian. Mom's taking a nap on the couch.

Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez.

You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad. Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal?

Let me show you how the gun works.

Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall. Interesting. I never saw that movie. Hey, You know one of them was papier-mache, right? Oh, jeez! Can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care!

Right, and shoot Pat Tillman. No, no, no, no! Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again, 'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time. Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store.

Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode. ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING) I'm going to pee in my pants! Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing. (CHUCKLING) Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it,

Are those guys getting away? We should probably get those guys. Those other guys will get them. So, what else? This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past that blockade. This bucket's got a few surprises left in her. Plus, me and Chewie are on it. Ain't that right, Chewie? Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.

Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind.

ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car...

We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburned, freckled fat guy. A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations. A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting. And where Ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat. We're the proud nation where someone can shoot up their entire workplace with a thing,

(STEAM HISSING)

He sleeps 18 hours a day, he refuses to bathe, and he's stopped making any sense. Aw, that sounds like the sad little fat girl who lives in all of us and is struggling to get out. (GRUNTS) Did my parents call yet? Nobody's looking for you! Now, stay in there! Sometimes she tries to get out the other way. That's why I keep a cork in my bum.

- Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!

(BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY) (SPLASHING) (CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

I think I'm coming down with something. Chris, relax. The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen. Really? Oh boy, that's a relief. Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!

you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?

Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open? And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away. We'll never get away with that! Oh, we just might. You see, I've got a lucky cat's foot.

uh, I do not sound like that! Oh, This is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter! Meg! Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me.

You should have been here, man. Those were the shows. Oh, looks like somebody made a friend. I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor.

I got it, Brian. Smell my ass. What? Smell my ass. It's where I keep my wallet. Get the scent and then find the guy that smells like me. Peter, that's ridiculous. Come on, boy, get the scent. Cut it out! Get a good sniff. That's disgusting. You're an idiot, you know that? Wait a minute. (SNIFFING) Your wallet's over there.

I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together. Please, just let me try. Carter, you had sex with that woman. So, no, I can't trust you. But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either.

Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car? Come on, Lois. Isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"? You wanted me and Meg to bond. That's what we're doing.

No, Luke, don't run downhill!

Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours. Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie.

Can you sign this release, please? Okay, but first can we address my husband's situation? Well, the harmonica's up there pretty good. Unfortunately, removing it would require a very expensive surgery that's not covered by your T.G.I. Friday's gift card. (HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) - What was that? I don't know, (SNIFFS) but suddenly it smells like John Popper in here.

I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done.

(PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work.

You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's?

We should crash that party.

The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened?

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.

which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds.

What the hell are you doing?

Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them. (SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since...

I guess it just goes to show that you-- Shut up and let's do it! (LOIS) Oh, Peter! (PETER) Yes! Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein. Oh, ha-ha!

I'm gonna eat that foot. (LAUGHING) Give me that foot, it looks delicious. Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God. Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt. Sit right there, honey. Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you. Oh, God. Thoughtful. Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some.

Wait. You're letting me go? I don't understand. I'm not sure I do either. I know the law says I have to arrest you, but sometimes the law is just a piece of paper. There's right, there's wrong... And somewhere in between, there's life. You folks have a good day.

And that time I snuck into Wimbledon. Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here!

Atta boy. All the way upstream, buddy. Ok--ok, just relax. Tr-Try to soil yourself, like we practiced.

In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest. Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun. Brian, what is this on my shoe?

Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow?

- Hi, we're on the list. - Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said.

Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest. Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. (THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING)

I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay. Meg! You look so different. How was prison?

Wait for someone else to win and steal his card. G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead. Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

The most expensive plant you'll ever see Oh, my God, here comes Jared. Wow, he's in kindergarten. Hey, so you're the plug this year?

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing?

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well!

Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking. All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!

Life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food. Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet? No. Time for some Tikka Masala.

Well, I suppose. Stranger things have happened in medicine. I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab.

It's the process, and whatever. Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at The Clam? That's a great idea. Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg. See you in the morning. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?

Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed. And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting. Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court.

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's cool. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory.

Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

Peter, living room? No, Lois. Kitchen.

Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial! No. Let him go.

Wait a second, Joe, that's a great idea. Boy, imagine what it would be like to be a big shot.

Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God!

Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it! This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet! Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good. Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good.

All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. So they revoked your C.P.R. card, huh? Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated. Oh, Don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You still live in exciting times. Oh, Crap!

I'm afraid he's very sick. In fact, his lab work shows he is suffering from Hodgkin's lymphoma. Oh, my God! Are you saying Scotty has cancer? I don't know, I didn't read the whole Wikipedia entry, but the good news is that what he has is highly treatable. With radiation first, and if necessary, chemotherapy.

I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle. - Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up?

And now you get your pick of the groupies. They're shiny. Yeah, it's a pretty warm day. (GROANING IN AGONY) Hey, hey, hey, there, champ! Aw, look at him, Lois. Relaxing after his big victory.

Ok. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to make a concession or 2. Very good, Peter. First, I will return Joe's pool. Oh, You got that right! But, In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends. No!

What? Don't complain. This is actually making you look attractive. Oh Man! Did you guys hear that? Imagine seeing the inside of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery. Forget it, Peter. You don't have A chance. Yeah. You never win anything.

(SPLASHING) (CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)

(SLURPING STOPS) Oh! All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay?

Hey, you guys. Peter, guess what? I am gonna-- Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus. Hey, Dad, why don't you invent the Frisbee?

I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world? Uh, Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out. Now, it's time for bed. Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you. (WHISPERING) You're awesome.

Chris, you kept this photo all these years? Yeah, it's gotten me through a lot of tough times. Like when Felicity cut her hair. What?

(ALL LAUGHING) What? Brian, it's a dog. That's not a crime. What do you mean? Well, I mean, it's not like you killed a person,

All of my life Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly Wishing there would be

My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous!

Damn it, Peter!

Oh, my God, Stewie, you all right? What the hell happened? Just some stupid stuff went down. You could have been killed! I could have been killed! Look at my car!

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? No, I put 'em all in your bag. Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we? I'll see you in the car.

G-Give me your keys. What is this, Dad? A Southern tradition, son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War. Robert E. Lee, I knew I'd find you here, where they seat the sorry-ass losers!

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON T.V.)

Go, Dust Mites! I wish they'd put Chris in already. Peter, relax. It's his first game. Griffin, get in there! Oh! They're sending him in. Yay, Chris! Atta boy, Chris!

Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kidS! lois, brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as A white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie. Wassup? Can I get 2 slices of pepperonI?

Clear! I'm calling that damn troop leader. We're going over his head. Straight to the youth Scout head office in New York. Pack your bags, you guys! The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple! Ha ha. Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York! Ha ha! This does not affect us at all, ha ha! Ha ha!

Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess!

You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Briggs' FBI profile says the only relationship he's maintained over the years is with a stripper named Tanya.

Good, go. And who's even going to miss you? You're just a little thief. Where you going, Chris? Who are you going to turn to? You don't even have any friends. (RINGS DOORBELL) Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you? Live with me?

Yeah, it's me. And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time. Wow, you sure look... Different than the last time I saw you. Yeah, haircut. So to get out of here, I just make a left out of the driveway and drive as fast as I can?

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

That's right. Get it nice and clean.

Hey, anything's possible, right? I mean, I once found the Batcave. Look, you can't expect to hire 60 workers to dig a cave under your house, and then keep it a secret. I mean, those men live in this town. Yeah, but I told them it was part of a geological survey. (CHUCKLES) Batman, Batman. They built a Lazy Susan for your nuclear car.

Boy! Speaking of that, I don't know how many people have asked me today where I was when Martin Luther King was shot. I'm sure you've been asked. What do you tell them? Who can forget? I remember just crying like a baby. Crying like a baby? Or crying like someone in college?

And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation? Well, I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular. He sure did. Who needs drugs when you can go to the dance with the coolest guy in School? Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain!

It falls off yeah, You better wise up 'cause I'm telling you toad is what Lando forbids Gotta give it all up or you're gonna see

You know, I would just not go near it at all. Brian, thanks for showing up so promptly for your quarterly evaluation. Now, then. I'm going to do something I call the compliment sandwich... where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement... and then end with something good. Whatever you gotta do. Okay.

or should I go back the way I came? I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37. (EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it. (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes,

Brian, what happened? I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, I'm the most hated person in town. I tried to rent a movie and they threw me out. I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out. But the most serious part of it is no bar would serve me a drink. I'm starting to get pretty desperate.

Row house. TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams. Oh, man, Robin Williams is my favorite. He must be getting recognized for all his contributions to show business. I don't think that's what a roast is.

What the hell, man? Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ... No way! You're gonna be on T.V. Oh, sweet! Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi. You're on it. Oh, wow.

He's not... He's not gonna get to. (LAUGHING)

Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

- We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic.

(ANNOUNCER READING) ANNOUNCER: Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home in the Hills.

No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses.

Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God! Look at the size of that pimple.

Why are you naked in my house? Why aren't you? You're all right, Griffin.

If more people join in

Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me, "and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff. "P.S. If the cops ask,

Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad.

Peter. Daddy. Dad. What's your name again? I wanna say Allen. Oh, it's so good to see you guys. Peter, we'd given up hope.

This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us. It's an opportunity to come up with our own names. I'm Tomax and this is Xamot. We're twins who can feel each other's pain. Ow!

I know I went a little overboard with my tae-jitsu. But from now on, we're not gonna have any more anger in this house, ok? Well Then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body.

Okay. Here it comes, James. Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those! I hate Quagmire lately. Me, too.

You're probably never even gonna see him again. Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this!

Good-bye, Pearl. Hey, Who wants to see a dead body?

I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you!

Yeah. I'll get hurt right onto a Wheaties box. I don't see that happening. Yeah? Who cares what you say? You're a dog. You can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag. Commie. (SIGHING) I think I'm okay.

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car! We have to go to that concert.

Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

And I guess that's why They call it the blues And I guess that's why They call it the blues

And when the kids at school see us on T.V. they'll think you're a total psycho. And I can say, "That psycho is my dad!" I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m. Huh. I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys.

Come on, everyone. The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start.

and he tried to gay kiss me. I'm telling you, he wants to get with me. Peter, come on. Why would any man dress well, groom himself, and lift weights just to sleep with other men? He's not gay. Well, I don't care what you say. He likes me. And we do have chemistry, I won't deny that. I will take responsibility for my part in this.

I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of McBurgertown burgers. Free burgers? Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no.

We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story.

Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again! Oh. Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right? I mean, i-I'm just trying to understand the rules Here. If I see you again, I'll kill you. Ok, that's much clearer.

I found it in my night table. I thought it was a dog whistle, but now I'm thinking it's something you jam in your urethra to make you last longer.

I guess.... Yeah, give me a call. Okay, I'm hanging up... in three, two, one. Okay, call me back.

and the employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted.

That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech. But, Peter, what about your son?

Oh, We're so proud of you, Chris, for helping to put that horrible man in jail. Jeez, You couldn't have said it was Celine Dion. Huh? O-Our one chance to put that showboating Canadian wench behind bars, and you blow it. We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf.

There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy! (FARTS)

Uh--uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office. And what is it you want to patent, Herr Smith? I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity." Hey, look at this. What?

How can you "half expect" something? I--i don't know. It's just a turn of phrase. How do you "turn a phrase"? Oh, God, you're dumb! Thank God for that ass! Now, come here and kiss me. Good night, honey.

(SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Yup.

It's about staying vigilant until you're needed. What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. Bonnie's your wife. I know. I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night.

T.C., you fly the chopper around the island. I'll go talk to the beautiful women. And Tattoo here will keep an eye out for the kidnappers. Uh, Higgins. We'll need to Have security unlock the gate for me out front. Ok, Tattoo? Uh, it's Higgins. What?

That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing? I was hungry. You want one? You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.

What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent!

I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it. Okay, okay, I can do this. All right, lay down. It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that. It's like watching someone do algebra. I just have no conception of how it's done. Oh, God! (COUGHING) Okay, you ready?

Sure they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. And that'll be our lives. What a big, boneless jerk I am! I might have screwed up my life... ...but there's no reason I got to keep screwing up theirs. Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world!

R2? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. All right, now what do I click? Click "preferences." Okay, I clicked "preferences." Now go to "default media browser." Okay, there's a little hourglass and it's not letting me do anything. It says "buffering." What is that?

HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking powder. It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING) FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING)

Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself. What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill, but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark. I'm right back where I started.

Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan.

Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli.

or one of those terms like "donkey punch"? No. Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so. Well, whatever it is, I like it. Green light.

Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now.

That's... You know, we are in a hotel. And I'm in Room 406. Go on ahead, I'll settle up.

I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

Nude? Yes. We're nudists. Permission to freak out? Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life.

All right! Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job.

The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste.

Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

that--that--that-- that leaves... this many.

They're about to see a real hero in action. To the BatcAve! oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

$5,000? I could get that cave for the front yard I've always wanted, and then tell people not to go in there. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, you kids stay out of that cave! You don't know what's in there! (SIGHS) Money well spent.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING) Oh, no. Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs really want to be talked down to by big-shot Northerners. Afternoon. Officer, what is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.

Hey, Look. Here's a picture of your great great-granddad, Osias Griffin. He owned one of the first dozen telephones. Hello? Hello, Jonathan? No. What number are you CALLing? 7. No. This is 3. Oh, Sorry.

Reagan smash. Reagan smash.

Pthht! Oh. Oh, I just got it. Hey! Hey, Armey. Hey--hey, What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"?

I always thought I'd die having to sit through the Canadian Film Festival. I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

Hi, Brian. Oh, my God! Who is your cute little friend? Oh, my! Hello. Stewie. Charmed. I'm Jillian, come on in. Who wants a drink?

Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, you're lovely. I haven't heard that much applause since Bob Crane premiered his home movies in my closet. (PETER LAUGHS) All right, let's play the Feud. One hundred people surveyed, top four answers on the board. Here's the question. Name something you find in your bathroom.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home! Oh, my God. That is hilarious. He is probably freaking out. God! I would give anything to see his face right now. He's probably all, like, "Where the deuce is everyone?"

Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at K.I.S.S.-Stock? You can do whatever you want, son. Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children. You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN? Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze. Well, 'Bye, everyone.

Hey, Quagmire, you know you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes? Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry. You want me to talk to him? Well, no, actually, I want you to tell me the joke. Yeah, tell us the joke. You want to hear it? All right. So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (INAUDIBLE)

(LAUGHING) What? No, no, nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to humiliate her. Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated. Maybe you'll handcuff her? She'll hate that. Then I shall do that as well. And call her a bitch. Until I'm hoarse with rage. Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself? Yes, and then... What?

Is that a band, or a soda, or a store, or one of those terms like "donkey punch"? No. Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so. Well, whatever it is, I like it.

Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right.

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

He's been in there an awful long time. I hope everything's all right. My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this. Gentlemen, I give you the new Joe Swanson.

That's right. I'm Old Man Pressman. I own the junkyard. I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things? Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING)

I won this in 1989 from a Honey Nut Cheerios sweepstakes and I totally forgot to cash it in. It's one free round of golf with a famous celebrity. Wow! Who's the celebrity? I'll give you a hint. Famous football player. Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno. Wait a minute. Chuck Connors?

Yeah. That's right. Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag! Get 'em!

(GIRLS LAUGHING) ...and I had to stop for coffee. So, there's a Starbucks near my house... You people are a circus. Finally, I'm part of a movement of regular people trying to take back our government. Look, the Tea Party isn't the grassroots movement you think it is.

Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil.

Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING) Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

You know, we are in a hotel. And I'm in Room 406. Go on ahead, I'll settle up. Put it on 406.

Attention, New quahogians. Today, my vision for our future comes true. A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass! Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns? Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation systeM. Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes?

Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry! I think we just have to face it, Peter.

Ahh! Are you The Matrix?

Dad, what happened to Mom?

"But I still never went back there. "I mean, I guess there's only, like, a 1 in 50 chance "of me getting the same spoon that he had, "but I still don't like them odds." (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, I can't bear this anymore! If Stewie can't find his way out of Meg's ass,

Well, I guess, I should be going. - Lois, Lois, do you-- do you have a magnet in your head? - What? You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake.

Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!

I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

He may be pouring her coffee

Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him? Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile!

Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

What are all these parallelograms doing here?

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Hey Lois, you remember when I was the 3rd Hardy Boy? Peter, there was no 3rd Hardy Boy. Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores! - Hey! - ahh! Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right. Can we please just drop it?

"O squiggly line in my eye fluid "I see you there lurking on the periphery of my vision "But when I try to look at you you scurry away "Are you shy, squiggly line?

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can.

Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter. Well, that's great, Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it. Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says,

My God. Chris, you're right.

Whoah, whoah, whoah, Is this the price of my bill or my phone number? Uh, Your phone number. Oh. WE--wEll, It's still pretty pricey! Peter, who cares how much the Bill is? You've just got the most important bill of all, a clean bill A health. Ah, Jeez, Lois. How long you been waiting to crack out that gem?

Wow, that looks pretty bad. Is the Chinese guy dead? (SNIFFING) Wait. We were in this car. I can smell us all in this car! This must be the accident that put us all in the hospital. See if there's a registration in the glove compartment.

We want your fingernails 'Cause we might be building a fort with them (MAN READING) Here you go, fellas. Thanks, Horace. Oh, here, let me get this one, Peter. (VELCRO RIPS) Geez, what the hell kind of stupid wallet is that, Joe?

Hey, what are you doing? Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING) (BREATHING NOISILY) Brian, have you seen... Whoa, what the hell happened to you?

I thought that was just when you were asleep.

Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own. Now, see, that's what people hate. Really? I'm telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be. Wow, it's so obvious. Thanks, Daddy. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom. WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house.

Oh, that's interesting, because I did. Good for Peter. It's about time the media covered something positive. Daddy, you're the chairman of a billion dollar company. You've got more money than anyone could ever spend in one lifetime. Are you challenging me to a Brewster's Millions? Is money all that you care about? What if somebody close to you got cancer?

Those are bad roaches. I blame the schools.

Well, we should probably go. (GASPS) Here they come. Kiss me. Come on, we gotta follow them. Stewie? Huh? Oh. Oh. Everything all right? Uh, yeah. Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

Oh, my God! So transparent. Well, the theory states that there are an infinite number of universes coexisting with ours on parallel dimensional planes. Dimensional planes, right.

Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red?

Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here. You can have the real estate section. It's for schmucks, anyway.

We did it, Daddy!

Hey, where's Joe? I think he's still outside. Hey, Joe! What're you doing down there? There's no ramp! I can't get inside! Well, we don't need him anyway.

Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low

I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you.

That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma?

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

Hey, look, this guy's picking his nose. (LAUGHING) Look, now he's eating it! Chris! Knock it off! You're gonna get me in trouble! Meg, they're dead. Would you stop being so uptight? You're like one of those Asian-Americans who fought in Vietnam. (SCREAMING) Ah! Oh, it's just me.

Oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold, and I get squat. I'll be in the car.

I love you. Fuck off.

Wait a minute. Peter, You can't take Meg to a school dance. H-How long do you think you can keep up this charade, anyway? Just till Friday. Please, Mom? Well, if this is what you want. Oh, It's probably Connie calling for me. Hello? Oh, yeah. Hold on. It's for Lando.

How bad is it? It's $20,000. Oh, my God! Where are we going to get that kind of money?

together. Together. Ma'am, you dropped your napkin. Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later. I love you, Lois. I love you, too, Peter. What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

Peter, Play with this. Look Sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again, and down here in small print it says, "He's signing it. He's signing it. "I can't believe it." So? So just Refund this man's money and we'll be on our way. I don't have your money! How about that money?

West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret

Wait. If I go in there, I could get hurt. No. No, with great mustache comes great responsibility. (SCREAMING) My mustache!

Well, that'll do it for us here. Thanks for watching Channel Five, the most trusted name in news. (SPUTTERS) Oh, crap. (SPUTTERS) Oh, come on. (SPUTTERS) Ugh, let's go, Tom. (SPUTTERS) (GRUNTS) Work, damn it. What the hell? What's going on with the news?

As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. Come on. You're worrying about nothing. Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body.

- That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR? Congratulations, Quagmire. You're the newest member of my wall of fame.

You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

You don't know what I go through every day.

Well, if you're not Jesus Christ, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs. Don't! You are Jesus. Yes. I am. Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party. And that includes you. Understood? I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter! She's a whiny little runt, isn't she? I said "runt." I--I don't think I'm in the right place. I'm looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son's birthday.

I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. Peter, look out! Holy crap! Oh, my God! Mr. Tucker, are you all right?

Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Meg, we've been over this.

Well, I suppose you're right. And hey, at least I got something on the air. I mean, not everyone can say that. (CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws. Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys!

Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk. Wait a second.

Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose! Oh, Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it! You see--You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the W.N.B.A.

Hey, hey, there they are! Stewie, what is all this? What did you do to the Cabana Club? We don't call it the Cabana Club anymore, Frank. It's now called pLace. Little "p", big "L".

Check it out, guys. New driver's license. What's wrong with your picture? Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture."

You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you?

Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there!

QUAGMIRE: Hey, kid, come here.

You're getting slacks!

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop!

and it just slammed me into a mountain. Sorry, no returns. I've been a customer here for years. I can maybe give you a store credit. But... Really? Well, I guess... What's the holdup in here? I'm taking care of it. Peter, what are you doing? What is all this stuff? Dad's starting his own TV station,

There's still time! (CHOKING) (CHOKING) God, Stewie, are you out of your mind? Trust me, I'm only doing what's best for you. Well, I do feel pretty thin and wonderful. And I still got to eat the donut. - Why isn't everybody doing this? - They are. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Well, maybe I could talk to Carl and get you a job here. You could do that? Absolutely. Carl totally trusts me. You and I will be the best brother-sister team since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. I'm more off-putting. No, I'm more off-putting. I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. Well, I'm a bigger box office drag.

Hey, what are these hard things?

Melinda, you're an utter delight.

Come on! Come on! OkAy. Yeah, Okay. - sure. All right. - Done. Thank you, ladies and, uh-- A-and--

Not H.I.V., but really Full-blown AIDS I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS

Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls. Stewie, this is gonna sound crazy, but I have a theory about what's going on with Carter. Really? What is it? Well, think about it. If Carter Pewterschmidt, the dynamic chairman of Pewterschmidt Industries, were to fall ill or even die, the stock price would plummet. I don't want you to think I'm not listening, but when's Christmas? Not for a while. But what I'm saying is,

Tired walking everyplace? Need something make you go? Peter wheel make you go. Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING)

Well, well, look who's here.

Lois! I know how to get her attention. Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me! That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good!

Bonnie, it's Peter. Don't worry. Joe's an excellent negotiator. I was a virgin when we met. It took him 3 hours.

but finds his soul in Canada. All right, we're cooking now. Cooking now. And the whole book is an e-mail to his daughter, who's dead. And his name will be Norm Hull. Because he's just a normal guy. But not everybody will get that.

More? All right! Stop it! Stop it right there! Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on! That's it. Now put on this dress. Put it on! Now dance!

I wonder what the guys are up to? oh, That's nasty.

Who wants chowder? What the hell?

Yeah! All right! What's going on?

Stewie, look! A butterfly. Let's get it!

Plus, the law's on our side. Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE. Wait! Is that a real Prada bag? I'd like to propose a toast. to our neighbors. Sure they may be black, handicapped,

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

But first, let's have a look around. This is our control room, where we have the ability to monitor up to 500 different news stories in any given hour. What's that big button do? Oh, that's kind of fun. It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear. There it is again! TIPPER: It's probably just wind, honey.

My God! My wife is seeing another mayor! I'm sorry, sir. Don't be. Because I'm going to win her back. I trust you'll take care of things here in my absence. Officer down!

I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog? Well, a stray. Thank you. Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now. Well, hold... Hold on a sec. We could probably let them go for just a few more minutes. (ALL CRYING)

Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?

You don't think... That fat bastard murdered her, didn't he? That son of a bitch. He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz. You know, the subway vigilante from the '80s? I used to do a bit about him back when I was doing stand up. What else is in the news? Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz, you hear about this?

was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight. He's all yours, Joe. You're lucky I've got some extra pull around here... thanks to my 18 medals for heroism. There he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry them?

That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman!

My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running.

Well, Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you. W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.

and I think we've got a better chance of beating them if we go up the South Face. Oh, we don't need a map, Brian. I got us a GPMS machine. WOMAN'S VOICE: Go up. What do you think? Just go up. Sorry. Okay, can everyone just stop freaking out and just give me, like, two minutes? (CRYING) God! Everyone's always yelling at me.

(GASPS) What are you doing here? CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die! (GROANING)

(BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING)

Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman?

Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty. yech.

We got a message for you. "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it." Actually, Peter... Gattaca! Gattaca! Peter, I don't think it's working.

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING) I love the time we've spent together, you know that? Hey, Kathy, guess what? I'm out.

Hey, Thanks for bringing me here, Cleveland. Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement. Ahem. Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors. - Amen! - Right on! Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could.

Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING) (BREATHING NOISILY)

Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh...

With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

Are you sure he can't see me? Absolutely, Chris. You're 100 percent safe. Okay, that's him. Number 6. Hi. Uh, Excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, He's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-Maybe you've seen him. His name is Chris Griffin.

The what? I don't know. Something about a lizard. And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. Really? I don't know. I'm just bored.

How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No.

What? That I can't provide for my family?

Now, listen very closely 'cause here's how it's gonna go down. (ROARING) (SOLDIERS CHEERING)

No, he's an idiot. Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out. Oh, That's great, Kevin. You want a cookie every time you do something right? Go get some firewood! Yes, sir! He's gonna grow up to be quite a man! Mmm. That was incredible, Kevin. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad?

That thing don't bite, do it? Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky.

Damn it. (GASPS)

That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one...

So how did it go? I--i--I'm not finished yet.

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect!

What... What... Ahhh! Ahhh! Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's okay. It's morning. Is it? Ha! I knew it, I scared her off.

Dad! What are you doing? All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt for about three weeks. What the hell? That there's my steer, Griffin.

I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

U.P.S. Heh, Little bastards ain't as smart as... Ah!

Quick, Brian, into the time machine!

Lead as you see fit. Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son. Peter, this is truly a miracle. I'm so grateful. Hold that thought. Hey, boys, you're on. Go ahead, Dad. Thank you, Jesus. I have a purpose in life again.

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA?

Oh, you are living la Vida loca. Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here. Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys.

Look at this, Dad. All these people came out just to honor you. Oh, it feels good, Son, I won't lie to you. Dan Quagmire! Wally! Good to see you. This is my son, Glenn. Nice to meet you, Glenn. You should be very proud of your dad. I am, sir. It was an honor to serve with him. Come on, Dan, let's get a drink.

(YELLS) Kristallnacht! 'Tis Long John Peter and his merry men come seeking plunder. All your TUCKS Medicated Pads be ours. Oh, my God! Oh, God! What are you... For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store.

Made me pissed Made me really, really pissed I've got them on the list They'd none of them be missed! He's got them on the list He's got them on the list

Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) - Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

- Apology accepted. - Good. Now why don't you patch things up with Mr. Griffin by showing him your LEGOs, hmm? You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks. They're the same thing, Peter. You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

He had some strippers in the studio. They sounded hot. Then he made a joke about a negro. But Robin laughed, so it was okay.

Way to go, pal! Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie.

- Nancy, get me a beer. - Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol. Peter, did you just throw those women away? No. Maybe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was in over my head? Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing. Okay, then apologize. - I just did. - No, you didn't. You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle. Okay, okay, there it is again.

Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE)

Just you try it. Oh, I'll try it. Just you try it. You'll feel it when I try it. - I'd like to see you have at it. - Would you now?

I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

So here's the Drano in case there's a clog. Uh, soap's right there next to the radio, and towels are on the roof. So, goodnight. Look, it's one thing for a network to run inappropriate shows that I can't do anything about. But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming.

A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us...

But we lost Briggs. How are we going to find him now? We got nothing. Well, I don't know if it helps, but I found this number next to the phone in his kitchen. I was saving it 'cause I was going to make a scrapbook of the trip for you guys. Let me see that. This is the area code for Juarez, Mexico. He's trying to get over the border! You think so? Definitely.

You know, you're-- you're very attractive and, uh... You want to go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex? Chuck, it's me, Morty.

Fancy place. Boy, that'd make some second honeymoon, huh? The Park Barrington is already attracting some big names. Such as Christianity enthusiast Mel Gibson, who has his own room on permanent reserve. A room which he barely uses.

But your son is sick! He needs help! Um, does your god also not believe in putting out snacks for the guests? Come on, Lois. I think we're wasting our time here. They're obviously very committed to their beliefs. But their beliefs are crazy, Brian. I don't know who's crazier, these people, or those Seventh-day Adventists. I'm a Methodist. We believe that the Lord is our Savior,

(MIMICKING WOMAN) Hello, boys. Come up and have sex with me some time. "Van full of Peters who all have stern faces "because they're about to pull off a heist." Check. "Upside down Peter who isn't revealed to be upside down "until the camera spins around and shows that he is." Check.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) He rocks in the treetop all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song

Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Elijah Wood. I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have. Oh, look, Lois, wishbone. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds.

Well, it's either that or go into the strawberry fields. Hey, you know what I'm getting into? Is one-legged chicks. Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg? That'll be enough of that, lad. How about Eileen? Ringo got it.

Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl,

Hmm. Here it is. Oh, my God! Our car! Oh, man. Am I glad I caught you. I almost forgot. Don't start your car. Hey, Thanks for coming. What a horrible night. It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson.

Muriel? Muriel? Muriel!

Hey, Chris, it's me. I got something for you here. What is it? I caught you a bullfrog outside. Poked some holes in its back so it can breathe. See, look at this... Oh, boy! All right, hang on, hang on.

You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!

Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help!

Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me? Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, we've got to put that out! Ow, ow, ow, ow... I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes.

ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) Now departing for Providence. Hey, did you guys see O? No, that seemed lame. You know, the other you was a lot more fun. Which one is O? Is that the swimming one? Don't try to demean it. How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)

Meg in low-riders. Enough of that.

Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I.

You got to help me get her back.

Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't.

I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah! Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it. Classic.

Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

Go ahead, mock me.

Brian, you want some lasagna? No, thanks. Rita and I grabbed a bite already. Gosh, you've been seeing this Rita for weeks now and you still haven't brought her over to the house. (LAUGHING) When are we gonna meet the lovely lady, huh? Oh, she's being ironic. What are you saying? I don't date lovely women? Yeah, you got it. You got it.

Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you?

I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY) You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Man! Our boy Chris partying with the cool kids. I am a very proud dad right now. And look at that Connie. Jesus Christ! I bet that thing's so tight you've gotta call the city to get in there.

No. Have you ever seen the Channel Five News? No. Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly. Channel Five News has file footage of pills being sorted. Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common. You watch NCIS?

Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction - that drastically alters the present. Really? No, you can do whatever you want. Come on.

She's got elbow cleavage. You know, that little wrinkle that fat people get on their elbows that looks like a schwa? I mean, you wouldn't have sex with her, would you? Oh, yeah, I would. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would do everything to her. I don't care what she looks like. I would wreck that chick. Well, you are a trouper.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell?

Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment. I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.

When you get them together, hoo-hoo! hold onto your sides. Nice to meet you both. Murderer! Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way.

Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid? You hear that? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there.

if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at?

I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time!

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

Yeah, you almost worked yourself right into the ground, buddy.

No, it's not an issue of money. Your head is a cheeseburger. There's no blood flow to it. It's just... It's just dead cow meat. All right. Well, I appreciate you giving it to me straight. All right, then. Have a tasty afternoon. (CHUCKLES) Ah, there's a smile. So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?

Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours! Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner. But I can't turn time forward. Oh, no! Perhaps I can!

How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter? (CHUCKLING) You know, I came down here not even thinking I had a shot. And now you're telling me this? Gosh, it's an awfully big decision! Lois, please, take the job, for Fox sake! Well... (LAUGHS) All right! I'll do it! Great! Here's your contract.

So, how do I look in my new glasses? Hmm, How shall I put this? In an attic somewhere there's a portrait of you getting prettier.

Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

(CROWD CHATTERING) What is going on here? We're all protesting the Sex Ed class that's being taught to our children. Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the school board has voted to cancel your Sex Ed class. Look, Principal Shepherd, I know my husband acted inappropriately. Oh, it's not because of your husband.

Yeah, You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you? Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh... the new Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00? Ok, see you later, Mr. Bigshot...

I'm not leaving until Santa Claus is dead by my hand! Oh, my God! You're Santa Claus! Yeah. Who are you?

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down. Don't worry, Lois. I think I know how to lose them.

As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or The administration 's plan for peace in the Middle East is shallow and pedantic. f agree. Shallow and pedantic.

If you don't want to follow procedure, fine. Stay here in limbo. No, no, No, wait--Wait. I don't want to be in limbo! Ok. It says the next note will be right under my nose. And they're off!

What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool. But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff. You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count?

Get out of here! Hand to God. Whoa! Peter! How does that make you feel? I feel like I've done K.I.S.S., too, Donny. And it feels good. Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight? Well, I guess the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous. So, just make yourself available.

Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw. Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Ah, there you are, boys. Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter. Well, let's eat. You must be starving, Peter.

Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down.

The Messiah, he's gone. Where did he go? Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!

He didn't even say anything and they're eating it up.

Gonna buy me a rainbow

Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.

I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it!

LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah. LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth. Oh, my God, that's so disturbing. I know, gross. Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die

Really? I'm no school administrator,

(SIGHING) That feels so good. You are an artist. Thank you.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!

(STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth?

Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck. Okay, Stewie, time for bed. You want Mommy to read you a night-night story? Oh, how about this one? (STEWIE READING TITLE)

You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again! Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China, and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?" Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before.

You enjoy the movie, baby?

Dennis, you jealous douche, how about I crank a little Detroit Rock City and play Come Sail Away and we can see how they stack up side by side? Huh? You want that, you high-voiced bastard? We'll be right back, after this.

Thought I was gonna have to go back to being on Live! With Kelly and Peter. So exhausting having to do that open-mouth smile while the guest does their bit. We're here with The Good Wife's Christine Baranski. So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, is that right? Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill. Ah!

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.

3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

Um, ph-Phoebe? Yeah? Uh, I was wondering if you'd, uh, d-do me the honor of, uh... I had such a crush on her.

You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. What? What?

Where's the audience? I don't see them anywhere. If only they could make some noise to let me know they're here. MAN 1: We're here. Oh, there you are. Thank God.

What about lemon juice?

This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. What the hell! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot. Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this.

Please, Lois! Come on, you got to fight her! - It's gonna be great! - Come on, Lois! Get in there! - Come on! - Take her down! It'll be awesome! I'd really like to see that.

Release the virus? No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed. That's a great idea. Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady? Permission granted, sir. Be as loud as you can. I want the kids to know we still got it.

"ah! "Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. "We had some real characters in my neighborhood, "like Frank the Mailman. "'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' Huh. "And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. "'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' "'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball.

Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.

(YELLS) Kristallnacht!

Come on, Chief! I know everything about Briggs. I'm the only one who can catch him.

Nice to meet you all. Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

Consuela, I thought you finished cleaning hours ago. Yeah. What are you still doing here? I wait for rain to stop. It's time for you to go home. Is too much rain. I stay. But it's gonna rain all night. I sleep here. I don't know about that. I sleep here.

It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell. It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma. Come here, babupka. Let me put your fingers in my mouth.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too. How long is this gonna last? No idea.

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!

Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up?

Ron? Ron, where are you? Over here, Paul! Oh, good, there you are. It's pretty here! Yes, it is.

He's gonna kill me. He l-loved that lasso. He--he rea-- Not as much as the baton. But, uh, we--we put a--a stop to the baton. He--he was, He was different enough, y'know.

It doesn't say who the author is, Brian,

Uh, Hello, everybody. This is, uh, just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director. A 5, 6, 7, 8. Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition

I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay. What the hell kind of dog is that? I was going to ask the same thing. That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello?

- I did good, Meg? - Shut up.

Hello? Over here. Thank you for meeting us here.

3 of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament. Oh, Come on, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris? Now I do.

Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that. Yeah, you would have probably been better off. Look, it doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something. No, it's not! Yeah! Are you out of your mind? I mean, what the... I don't understand that. What is that like? You're such a loser. I hate you!

You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory. Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened for the folks who don't know? I... I lost my temper onstage.

Sucker. I would've gone to $15, easy. I am so stupid. Awesome. Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're gonna get hurt. Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job. Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy.

What took you so ugly?

Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me!

We're gonna be doing the show live today. I'm so nervous. I've never been on live TV before. Would you give me a hug for luck? No, no, no, I'm not done yet. Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian.

I am going to let Quagmire answer first. Yeah, I'll go. I shall go, too. Great. I'll see you guys tonight.

Ah. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. (BELL DINGS) Damn it! (CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage!

Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash!

Wow! The jocks have never said hello to me before. Hi, you guys. Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut. She's really sweet and struggling to raise a family. It's gonna be great! Wow! You did it, Connie. Chris Griffin is popular! So are you gonna dump him now? No, Gina. I'm not.

Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force. No! Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us.

We also come bearing gifts. I brought frankincense. I brought myrrh. And I brought you a breast pump, which in these times is just a guy.

BOTH: A friendship is the best thing ever

Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face. One more push. (STRAINING) There we go! It's a boy! And he's got a gun! (GUNSHOTS) (CRYING)

PETER: I love you, Lois. LOIS: I love you, too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels.

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat. Well, just get a divorce and everything will be back to normal. Oh, It's not that easy.

I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses. Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

We're here! Thank God. Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become!

He--he was, He was different enough, y'know. we just gotta get to that Twinkee factory, and we'll have all the food we need.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot! All right, here's a cute-looking one. Excuse me, miss? This older gentleman would like a lap dance. What am I supposed to do?

But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law. My God, what is wrong with you?

Oh, well. At least I still have you. You hungry? Oh, crap! All right. Let me handle this. You were going 65, fella. That's 10 miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you!

Peter? Peter, are you alive? (GROANING) You're alive. Okay, I won't... I won't eat you then. I was gonna eat you.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

How could you do that?

I like your voice. It makes me want to hear more of your voice. - Hey, you want to see a funny comic? - Sure.

Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.

All right. You okay to drive? Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll crank the heat, roll up the windows and blast the Lullaby Channel. I'll be fine. All right, take it easy. All right, you, too. Get out of here. Hey! Like your jeans. Thanks. What size are you? Yeah, I don't think we're the same size. Yeah, we'll figure it out tomorrow. Come on, Brian. You ready to go home? No, Peter. I'm gonna go meet Jenny's cats.

4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall!

Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Hello? Hello, Mrs. Griffin?

So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't.

Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man. Old man? What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard? (GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too! Now, you come home and start acting your age!

Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie. Sweet, we are out of here. Now I can do what I planned to do this morning.

Take a look. PETER: "Hey, I got a great idea. Let's kill six million Jews." CARTER: "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?"

What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Hey, Jasper, how are you? Hey, Brian! Congratulations on your new play. Oh, thanks. What's wrong? You look awful. What happened? I read the play Stewie wrote. She writes plays now? Yes, and it was brilliant. Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life. It was insightful and fresh and intelligent.

Brian, don't you think it's a little too early to be hitting the booze? Hey, what's the point of waiting? You got to live life while you can and live it hard. The Chris Farley method, that's good. Frank invited me back this evening. I tell you, I feel more exhilarated than Peter did when he swam with the bulls.

(SIGHS) I thought they smelled bad (GASPING) on the outside.

MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off! Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt.

Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look?

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh. Hey.

Who are you? We are the enchanted totem. The enchanted what? The enchanted totem. We hold the key to the bridge of eternal crossing. Which will allow you safe passage across the chasm without end. But first, you must solve our riddle. All right. Well, we got to get to the North Pole and kill Santa. So, let's hear it. The riddle is this.

Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it! Look here. You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up! Interesting. Indeed. I wish we'd never come here in the first place. Oh, choff! here, Go buy yourself some more money.

Okay, that was weird. That was weird. Right? Oh, my God, so weird. I tell you something, if he touches my daughter,

No, no! That's not what Mrs. Garrett's bosom looked like. It looked more like this. Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital.

And now back to A&E's Biography, Twinkee the Kid.

Okay, get ready to go to light speed. One, two, three. (ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap.

(LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE) Oh, stop, I'm...

Well, yeah. To make fun of it. I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes and her makeup, and that fabulous hair and... Oh, my God, Brian! It's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever! Jesus. And she's coming to town! And I have to get tickets, Brian! You have to help me get tickets! No. It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time.

but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up.

(IMITATES PURRING) (MEOWING AND PURRING) I think you're dreaming. No, I'm not. BRIAN: Stupid cat!

I can't believe I actually touched him. I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Ouahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

Oh, boy, nice to be back home. Those seminars can wear you out. (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Wow, did you say, "Web-based Internet series"?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

And she's addicted to crack. Come on, you're with me on this. Of course she's addicted to crack, but you can't just say that. You got to lead people there with an intelligent argument, so they arrive at it on their own. Hey, come on, man. We got to tell people how it is. We got to get them on board with us. Brian, look, there is no victory unless people know why they were wrong to disagree with you in the first place. Boy, do you sound soft.

All right, we're two intelligent guys.

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am.

Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING)

All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD)

Joe, shh! Peter's about to start. We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members, to talk about the greatest temptation the devil ever created. Alcohol! (ALL HARMONIZING) Mr. Booze ALL: Mr. Booze Mr. Booze

We're both... What? That's ridiculous. I'll tell you what's ridiculous. The Kaiser. Somebody should put him on a roll. Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie.

Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls! (LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls.

Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat.

BRIAN: Lois, I'd really like to talk about this. - No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay.

Even a bowling ball can wear a hat if you use your imagination. (LAUGHING) A bowling ball wearing a hat? This is what high-def was invented for. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Being a good dad like you asked. I've been watching Jolly Farm with Stewie for the last three hours. That's not Stewie, that's a pineapple.

Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him. Hya!

Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. It was 20 years ago. I'd never even heard the word "rubber".... Peter, this is Meg. Oh. I got a makeover, Dad. Don't I look great?

And here comes the next float, honoring uninjured veterans. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - Yeah! We rock! Our wives stayed with us. Think fast! We did!

Oh, my goodness! Oh!

Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn. Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No.

(SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta, then Loretta's having an affair. Oh, We can't tell anyone about this. That is the last thing in the world we want to do. What a day! We've done everything in the world. So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair. Good Lord! Oh, no! (Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed.

I'll always be Scottie Pippen to his Michael Jordan. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan! And Scottie Pippen. MAN 1: He's also good. Why didn't they do Jordan last? MAN 2: Alphabetical? MAN 1: Oh, right. That's smart. You're smart. But still.

I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!

God, of course, and who else? This is so unexpected. Oh, yes. Satan. I'm sorry, Lois. The hit's still on. All I got was this wedding invitation. Wait a second, Peter. The don's daughter's wedding. That--That's perfect. It's not that perfect.

PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee, but either way, it feels so good. LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too.

You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God! That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane.

I think I feel them moving. Hi. My partner and I want to have a baby. We'd like a vial of sperm and an applicator that looks like Jodie Foster's knuckles. Certainly. Let me just go to the freezer. Mr. Griffin, y-you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right? Yup, yup. Fine, fine.

That's a great costume, Joe. Are you FDR? No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz. Oh, you mean, like, if he dove into the shallow end? No. Regular Mark Spitz. Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach? No, I'm Mark Spitz! He won seven gold medals! Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum, P.I. I'm... Fine, I'm crippled Magnum, P.I.

(THUDDING) I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you they are signing frantically,

Yeah, I drew you a crude flip book to explain what's happening. Okay, I got a little off track there, but they went to his cabin. Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin. He calls it his "sex cabin." No, he doesn't. He calls it "The Stuffet Inn."

Me, too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway... Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger. My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog.

It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

And it's my party, so I want Doug to go in the closet with Meg. Ok. Here we go. Have fun. Ok, Everyone get ready. Say hello to the lovers.

Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible! Oh, here's a pop-up book. "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."

I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet. Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois.

(ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up? Now, get lost. We'll take it from here.

and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes.

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die.

But It's just not a very attractive name.

There we go. You are ready for your date. Yeah! That's a bed head. Yeah. Hey, look at you. You just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with. Hey, big date tonight? Yeah, yeah.

We're a man short, like Statler without Waldorf. (LAUGHS) You know, without the other guy yapping in my ear, these guys aren't half bad.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

"We have your son." Meg's our daughter. Peter, do something! You know, Meg being captured by evil men reminds me of another story.

You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin. But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for... Leave this house of God! (ALL AGREEING) But... But I love the church. It's an important part of my life. Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn. But, Father, I didn't mean... Wait. Did you say "a porn"?

"Sexy Peter distracting the guards"? Check. (MIMICKING WOMAN) Hello, boys. Come up and have sex with me some time. "Van full of Peters who all have stern faces "because they're about to pull off a heist." Check.

But he left, and Stephanie was in the wrong place at the wrong time. So whoever the murderer is, they were after James Woods, not Stephanie. The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead?

"Cookie." Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

Boys, to your Rascals! He went into James Woods. Let's spread out and find him. We'll head him off at the... (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?

No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend.

I'm gonna go get my purse. All right. Hey, based on what you've seen with your wife, w-what can we expect in terms of droopage here? We talking a slight slope or the full-blown fried-eggs-hanging- on-a-nail-thing? Peter, What do you think of this bronze statue? It's nice. It's early Etruscan. Oh, Get out of here! No, seriously. Oh, That's great.

Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you?

Brian. Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING) - Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that?

Thanks, Brian. No problem. Hey, do either of you know what poison ivy looks like?

You were right, Peter. I've never felt so alive. Victory is mine! aah! God damn it. UGh.

I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a... Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence. - You need anything from the market? - PowerBar! What's wrong, Brian? You've just been sitting on the couch ever since you got back from the hospital.

Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch. Thanks, honey.

(CRYING) Oh, Peter, you look exhausted! I am, Lois. Life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal. Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo, I only made 25 bucks.

Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you. I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work.

One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours. Here you go, little buddy. Hey, look at me! I'm Pele! I'm Pele! Goal! Where the hell is he going? He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

But monsieur, this is not a jackhammer. It is a Jacqueshammer. (DRILLING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

Listen, these new legs have given me my life back.

Step forward, maggot! (GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you. Well, why wasn't it him this time? Oh, I'm so scared. (GRUNTING) Peter, stop it! Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't you? Okay, I'll stop now.

Sir, we apologize. Griffin, There's no easy way to say this. I think you have a drug problem. A drug problem? What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it? Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him. Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop.

Defensive blows to their heads were to send a message... ANNOUNCER: Oh, sorry, sorry. ...help me get into used car sales. Hey, Stewie, I don't know if you have any interest in this, but I was wondering if you want to go to Vegas with me and see Celine Dion. Are you kidding? Of course I want to go! Wow, these are good seats! I know. Apparently, they were donated by Goldman's Pharmacy.

(YAWNS) Oh! Hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-along. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOCALIZING IN TUNE)

Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. But after all this, Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 'cause right now I wish I was dead. If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here. Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. But I do have a job to do. So get moving.

I love this place. I love dive bars. Dive bars are my favorite. They're so much better than regular bars because worse is better. I know, right? They're my favorite, too. I'm quirky like that. I've got quirky taste. I'm a quirky girl. It seems like we would be perfect for each other. But really, we're terrible for everyone.

Pinkberry. I love my job. Yum, yum, yum... Hey, there, cutie. Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that.

Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you. No, I won't. I'm so fat and gross.

I think you're a boneheaded, fascist, corporate-shilling blowhard. Look, you little smartass, I think you are a godless, socialist, pot-smoking, maggot-infested member of the blame-America- first crowd, and I think you want the terrorists to win.

Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting! If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going.

and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. You don't really think I'm like that, do you? Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me,

Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that. Yeah, you would have probably been better off. Look, it doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something. No, it's not! Yeah! Are you out of your mind?

Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

Lois, I'm home. Peter. Daddy. Dad. What's your name again? I wanna say Allen. Oh, it's so good to see you guys. Peter, we'd given up hope. I can't tell you how happy I am that you're alive.

You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you!

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt.

- DOG: All right! - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're dogs! - BRIAN: Yeah, we're dogs! DOG: We're dogs that live near each other! DOG 2: Hey, are you guys dogs? - BRIAN: Yeah! - DOG: We're totally dogs! BRIAN: Yeah, both of us! Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house.

Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a good long time. Them boys rassled for a full 5 minutes before the manager stepped in. Come on! Hands off, fatty! Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here.

King me. I don't want to play anymore. The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug. Wh-- I--I can't. Be my angel and set me free.

(PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long--

Well, as a dog, Brian's kidneys are smaller and don't have the capacity of a human kidney. For the procedure to work, we would need to transplant two. But... But I only have two. That's right. The procedure would kill you. (LAUGHING) That car's getting towed!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it.

Um... Excuse me? It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe. It has no edge whatsoever.

We got like 300 boxes of these things. (LAUGHING) Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

oh! The baby's kicking. Want to feel? Sure. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid! Peter!

Oh, my God! That is Lois! Why the hell would she-- Whoa! I can see your skin cells! Oh, hey, I saw your picture on the cover of Scientific American. You looked great. Oh, Please! Where my eyes are, like, half-closed? God! Just take the damn compliment. What the hell is Lois doing with another man?

until I discovered I was living in a house with a brilliant one. I know we don't talk about doggy years a lot, but I just wish you could have waited to find out how talented you were until I was gone. By the time I'm dead, you won't even be 10. You'll have 70 more years to be great. I just wish I could have had five to be good.

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Ah. That was delicious. You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside, isn't that funny?

I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

I know what you're thinkiNG. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your party to leave. You've caused nothing but trouble since you got here! Perhaps we should just continue the party at some other type of location. N-n-No. W-w-Wait. I know this guy. We went to high school together.

and you kick that fish's ass! God, I love him! I can't believe how terrible the fishing was. Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches. Well, thank God we came prepared. We brought enough food to last us... Holy crap, Chris! What the hell?

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man? Those mushrooms are messing you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did!

Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out. Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe. You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company. Oh, I don't, do I? Well, let me tell you a little story.

Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father. Thanks, son. 37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night?

I feel so naughty. Lois, what are you doing? Neither of us is drunk.

You're a liberal, Brian. I mean, what about that four-year-old that was executed in Texas? There was a four-year-old executed in Texas? Not really, but you see, Brian, your concern betrays you. I know your type. It's not a coincidence you turned your back on your democratic principles just when the Democrats became the political establishment. All you want is something to fight against.

Come on, that's right, you bastard. Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here.

What's wrong? Look. Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriages next week. While controversial, it has nonetheless effectively distracted all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco. The what? I don't know. Something about a lizard. And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish.

A Japanese or something.

Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever. Brian, you're a thoughtful person. Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth? You're barking up the wrong tree, Meg. I'm an atheist. (ALL GASP) What's that? I don't believe in God. What? Brian, how can you say that? Why, I just thought you knew.

(GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was.

I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.

- Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely

How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth.

- (GUN FIRES) - Ahh! (CROWD GASPS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) You did it, Peter. Why'd you shoot me? Because I'm weird, creepy coach. Now, let me give you inappropriate personal shower while I smoke and forbid you to see parent. This is... Somebody should look into this sport.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

Well, how about a little TV? ANNOUNCER: We now return to Magnum, b.m. Magnum, I found a fingerprint smudge at the crime scene. Do you have poo on your hands? (SNIFFING) A little. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois. There's only one show I want to see. It's a little something I call Make Every Day Count, starring Peter Griffin as himself.

Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!

You know what's amazing, Lois? A week from tomorrow, it'll be 20 years we've been married. I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic! Hello. I was there, see? (SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy.

when you opened the door I would have said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia." You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00? (VOICE CRACKING) That sounds wonderful. She said yes.

Ok, my happy-go-lucky toy boys, time for batting practice. Guillermo, you're up. Unfortunately Johnson isn't here to pitch today. His wife is in labor. Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch. ha! I don't know what's more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity. Oh, how hard--

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy!

(JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.

Yeah, go ahead and roll that up and stuff it in there.

How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No! What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh!

Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know... so you could spare his feelings and let him down gently. Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris. Thank you so much. You've been very understanding.

I wanted to give you this cross. No, I don't want a crucifix. Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH GROANING)

I don't believe you. God, is that true? God? God, are you there? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God.

Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats

He's on the road touring with Black Box. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh. Didn't realize Greenberg was a Jedi name.

but then you won that stupid trophy. You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships. Brian's right. We were so obsessed with that trophy, we lost sight of what was really going on. Well, Now we have a real problem to deal with. That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax. Joe?

CHORUS: 97.1! Ooh! Weenie and The Butt. Just like the grown-ups listen to. THE BUTT: And that was Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris, which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets! WEENIE: That's right, Butt. Our fifth caller will ween those tickets!

(GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING) Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, authorities are still searching for the culprits in a series of horrific acts of destruction all across... Scroll down, guys. ...the globe. That could've fit on there. There was a long space at the end of that line. My God, it's you, isn't it?

(ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger? Really? Where did you read that? In People magazine. (EXCLAIMS) Jillian, can you run and get me a beer from the kitchen? Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight?

Yeah. Merry Christmas. It has all my fucking contacts in it. Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face? Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? (GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan?

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to. Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS)

Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous.

OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh! Kent told me he's gay, and even worse, he likes Chris! Oh, wow, I'm really sorry to hear that, Meg. I don't get it. I've been going to high school with him for three years, and I always assumed he was straight. Well, high school's a tough time, Meg.

That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall! Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place. Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit! Hmm. Look, This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I'll tell you when to stop.

Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone! Hey! Stop it. And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Wow, this is the one you have been waiting for, huh, Brian? (CHORTLING) Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian? You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone.

One hundred people surveyed, top four answers on the board. Here's the question. Name something you find in your bathroom. (BUZZER SOUNDING) A sink. Show us "sink!" Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that. Name something you find in your bathroom.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant.

That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire. (LAUGHING)

What did your therapist say? Dr. Kaplan thinks the, uh, ahem, accidents are linked to some kind of mid-life crisis. He suggests that I go out into the world and pursue my dreams. I'm leaving tomorrow.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye

Brian, I'm filling out my RSVP card, and I don't know whether I should get the salmon or the Snausages. They're having Snausages? Yeah. It sounds like fun. Big deal. I could care less about going to that wedding. Well, look on the bright side. It frees you up to go to Cleveland's barbecue. Cleveland's having a barbecue? Oh, boy, this is really awkward.

It looks like we've got a winner, Tom. Face it, The Clam is doomed. Come on, guys. we can't give up now. Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed. Especially that Coyote Ugly theme.

When do I get to meet her? No, no. No way. Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous. - She's not hideous. - Oh! Well, let me ask you something.

Oh, hey! hey, dad look! Hey, dad, look! Hey, dad! Dad! You gotta-- Look, uh, look!

Half 6:00? Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund. I love it, but I feel like it was too much. Cute, right? It's Thom Browne. It was over $3,000. You spent $3,000 on a sweater? What's it to you? That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway.

Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear. I don't think that's gonna be a possibility. I have plans... With Chris. Chris and I have plans this afternoon. We do? Yeah, we're doing that thing. We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon. Masturbate? Masturbate.

I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years! Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype.

We're moving back tO quahog as soon as we can get packed. TO quahog, that one-horse town?

Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place.

Oh, you are just the worst type of person. Dad, what are we doing here? Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus.

Welcome, citizens. Today we commemorate those brave Quahog soldiers who perished in the recent Gulf conflict. I can think of no greater tribute to their memories than this solid gold statue of Dig 'Em, the Sugar Smacks frog. (CROWD MURMURING) MAN: What is that?

This is ridiculous. Evil Stewie could be anywhere. You know, this really is all your fault. If you hadn't told me I was going soft, I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool. Neil. Neil, not so fast. Meg, you need to fulfill your contractual obligations. What are you talking about? All right, Meg, according to the contract... every night, you have to put on my pajamas.

(EXCLAIMS) A hundred points. Meg, clean up aisle two. What the hell is this? I am not cleaning this up. Meg, less talkie, more sweepie. Shut up, Chris! You can't tell me what to do. Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can.

Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it.

you've gained some weight recently. It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.

Uh, Hey, uh, Bonnie.

and I know none of us want that to happen again. (GLASS SHATTERING) And after that blow to the head, it all started coming back to me. So I rushed back to Quahog, and here I am. So what you're saying is we've got a homicidal baby on our hands. Mom! Dad! Stewie's gone!

Peter, We need to talk-- Not now, Lois. The show's about to start. Bryant Gumbel, Greg Gumbel, brothers, bike cops. Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, just go to sleep, all right?

(BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow! Oh, my God, Brian!

Uh, how's that gonna... Oh, sorry. It's been awhile. Look, I don't really feel comfortable doing this in front of you. Fine. I'll wait outside. Here's a bottle of lotion. Uh, Joe... Right, sorry. Stewie, I need your urine! (GASPS) Really? Yeah. Joe is doing a drug test, and if I give him some of mine,

I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him.

Ah, I gotta take this. Who's calling? My ex-girlfriend. She calls me drunk every Valentine's Day. (PHONE BEEPS) Hey, Samantha. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I still love Lois. Oh, come on. You would have been a great mom. She had cervical cancer five years ago. She's basically a boob on a leg at this point. Well, that's something. You're in a book club?

Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining. My God, I'd better see a doctor.

Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting!

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.

What is it? I caught you a bullfrog outside. Poked some holes in its back so it can breathe. See, look at this... Oh, boy! All right, hang on, hang on.

Now let's get down the chimney. Ow! Bitch! Okay, let's get the presents under the tree. All right, you have 'em? I thought you had them. For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh!

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here?

P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people. Ugh! That's the end of those underwears.

The activation phrase was something that no one would ever think to utter. What is it? The phrase is, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." You see, the U.S. government believes that one of these sleeper agents is right here in Quahog. Now, you two individuals live here. Are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely? Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about,

What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility,

What? Those bastards! Don't you worry, Chris. I'll get you back in!

No! No! You'll never take me alive! Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad. Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I pushed a lady. God, I can already hear the jokes Jay Leno is gonna be telling about our mayor.

Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man. Old man? What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard? (GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too! Now, you come home and start acting your age! No, Peter. I don't want to act my age, and you don't want that either. Otherwise, you wouldn't have called me an old plow horse.

I got a daughter of my own, you know.

"Would you like some tea?

Look, Anthony, trust me, she ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off, it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza. Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific. Anyway, good night, kids. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what, the real storm's in here. Okay.

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there.

Car. Car coming! We're clear.

Meg, it goes by many names. Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers, and, until recently, Giant Horse Vagina, but I prefer the term mustache. Oh! I think it's sexy.

And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up. Griffin! Lady Redbush!

Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy! Over the next several months, I developed a relationship with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek. Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends.

They say my name on TV all the time. Calm down, bitch. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me, even though it's been a day-and-a-half since I've showered, and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids. Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie?

(SIGHS) For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me? Wait a minute. This isn't Carvel, you lying bitch. All right, that's enough. Visiting time is over.

I can't believe she went ahead and did it. After I specifically told her how I felt. Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to... (SNIFFING) Lois just peed on something. - Hey, Brian, you picking up on that? - Yeah. LOIS: It worked, everybody! I'm pregnant! Damn it! This has gone too far.

(STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.

What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

Call to get your tickets now. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! But not now. 'Cause it just sold out. What? Oh, no. No! No, no! No! I'm calling anyway! I need Hannah Montana tickets and I need them now! Never mind who this is! Can you get them or not? I guess I should dial something first. What's all the noise? What are you watching?

Great. Trust me. Nobody's gonna give you a hard time. And even if they do, just ignore them. That's what I do with that weekend bully. Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.

This town is going to go to hell. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

You are, Dr. Hartman. Good. Put Hartman on this bozo. Hey, what can I do for you? Please, Doc, you got to help me with this nasty gash. What seems to be the problem? No, it's my husband. Well, you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television. Now, get out. Please, Doctor, you've got to help him. You took an oath when you went to medical school. I took a lot of things when I went to medical school.

Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill. Oh, thank God. (SIGHS) It's okay, Brian. It's not the first accident we've had in this house.

(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS)

All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig your own graves with them. Han, that's kind of dark. Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside! (MEN CRYING) I have a family! Faster! I just do data entry! All right. You, kill him. What?

(LOUD SNORT) (TINKLING) Dinner is served. (SQUEALS EXCITEDLY) Get out!

Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store-brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry, the Tiger. They're food!

Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt. Your dad once drank me under the table. If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your dad. Your dad had the best penis in the military. Okay, just stop, stop! Everybody, stop! Dad, are you gay? What? Are you gay, Dad?

Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who?

What are you doing? Got to keep the tan up. It's not a skin color. It's a lifestyle, Brian. See, you wouldn't know that because you're white as a ghost. You're haunting this house with your whiteness, Brian. - Hey, wake me up in 15, will you, babe? - Fine. (KOKOMO PLAYING)

(BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison?

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore!

(SCREAMING) (PANTING)

$1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter! Holy crap!

Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris. Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my!

(CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING)

Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car."

I'm part of it like everyone else! I can't believe they threw me in jail for a quarter ounce of pot. Well, Brian, it's your own fault. I mean, pot is illegal for a reason. Lois, don't be a hypocrite. You've smoked pot. Well, sure, Brian, but I'm thinking about the children. Pot's illegal mainly to protect them.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP Can't touch me

Tell me, what are the tank's safety features? What a good-looking question. Three inches of reinforced steel protects your daughter from short-range missile attacks.

Oh! Everything here is fantastic. Oh, these clothes.

You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, but I will lead you to freedom. Now, Jews, ho! Here we are, the Red Sea. Now, all we gotta do is swim across. I didn't bring my trunks. I don't want to step on a shell. I can't get water in my ears.

Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all! Hello? Oh, my God!

Great. You had to chase the butterfly. Yes, I had to chase the butterfly. I came out here to observe nature. What did you come out here for? I came to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. Wow, Stewie. That was beautiful.

(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train!

Hey, you know, there's not too many guys in the world who would be willing to do something like that for their pal. Ah, don't mention it. No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer?

Oh, oh, thank yOu! Thank you! thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of. You and your partner will start first thing tomorrow after school.

I want to make you feel beautiful, Lois. Ugh, Peter, stop. Try to stay focused. Ok. You're on.

No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself--

I thought you were supposed to get the suit and the top hat. I liked this one better. Anything to wear a dress, huh?

A swallow. Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. They've already boarded. (PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag. And I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it? Well, I guess that'd be okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb? I guess. Goody, goody!

Hey, What about this house? I could give him the house and call it even. Cherrywood isn't worth $100 million. Brian, it's the Historical Society. We just gotta convince him that $100 million dollars worth of history happened here.

Brian, do something!

Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time!

First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

Geez, what the hell's with these broads? Look at you two. Tuxes in a nightclub? God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right.

Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow!

We Have A Gang shooting on Third and Main. 3 wounded, 1 dead. Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier? No. It's my new police scanner. This hero thing is gonna be easy once I find the right crime. We Have A Domestic disturbancE-- Boring! Report of a stabbing in-- BlAh, blah, blaH.

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy!

Everyone, I have something to say. I've given this long and careful thought, and I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them.

Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!

What did you do? Oh, dear, there are so many people to thank. God, of course, and who else? This is so unexpected.

Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

Welcome, apprentices. It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once. I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know?

Mission accomplished, gentlemen. Warhead has been destroyed. We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

Too late! There they are! Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands.

Why don't you just tell him he can sleep with my wife, too? Daddy! Oh, Carter! You're back! You're damn right I am! Don't you ever try to stick me in one of those retirement places again! I plan on sitting behind this desk until the day I die. Getting old is right for some people, but not for me.

No, it's too dark. (GRUNTS) Tom? Tom! (THUNDER CLAPPING)

I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the dark side. I got pages of these, I could go on. Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan. No! She said no. Should we still do it? Yeah.

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?

Well, I think it's wonderful that you're dating such a classy, well-educated girl like Lauren... (LAUGHING) She's such an idiot, Brian! She's such an idiot! Yeah. You know something, Brian? I bet you make the late-night monologues.

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once!

Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind.

No! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon! This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher.

(ROARING) Monkey, grab my hand!

Let's get that out of there. Ew. Oh, I'm so thirsty. Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on. Let me put the bowl down first. You're gonna spill it.

Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

Ok, buddy. Ahh!

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

What's the secret to happiness? Money! Very good. Babs, give him a caramel.

Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare. You swore on the seesaw. (LAUGHING) Stewie, there you are. Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here.

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here!

So, you can just rot out here, Brian.

Well, guess I better be going. I gotta get this heart to Madonna. Oh, my God! Madonna needs a heart transplant? No, she just doesn't want other people to have them for some reason. But before I go, here. For me?

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father.

(CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate.

oh, Brian, you're still up. Lois, listen. Uh, I... We--We need to talk. Oh, my, I better leave you two alone. What's the matter, Brian? I've been thinking about us.

This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile.

Nipples shouldn't just come off like that. Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television! Ok, How about this? A single white girl in the city working at a magazine! Yeah, that's good. Ooh, yeah, Yeah. Do you guys hear yourselves?

Y-you know what? That's fine. I--I'll take the kids.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, he's coming! Oh, it hurts so bad! God, I hate working on Christmas. Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle!

Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny!

The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got? I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light. Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do? I got first place, Dad.

Stewie! Prepare to suck that golden teat Now that you're stinking rich we'll gladly be your bitch My God, this house is freakin' sweeT

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain? Hey, you! Stay!

(GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS) (GAGGING)

I'll be on your bed. No calls. Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner. Really?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology, we'll show you how disastrous it could have been. Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school.

I can see an Arby's through the trees.

Yeah, Lois. I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask. You guys!

I kicked my addiction to breast milk.

Cars go fast. Oh, God, yeah, I'll tell you, ifl had a nickel for every time that happened. - Yeah? - What? What if you had a nickel for every time that happened? - No, nothing, it's just an expression. - A what? Well, I was just saying, I do my share of dopey stuff, like... Oh, this...

Bald eagles should be allowed to make their own decisions! Honey, I don't care that you're bald. I find you just as attractive. It's not about you. It's about my confidence as an eagle architect. ANNOUNCER: Just for Eagles will give you thicker, fuller, more natural hair so you can just focus on eagle stuff.

Hi, gorgeous man. Oh, you. Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend.

Stewie, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Bobby Stalling's birthday party. I hate that kid. And I hate children's birthday parties. I sent Bitch Stewie in my place.

Meg, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him. He's down by the old town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you. You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks.

Now Them Griffin boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait. You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school? - Well, yes. For Martin Luther King. - That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999? No, that's Martin Landau. - Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh? - That's Martin Lawrence. - The drunk crooner? - That's Dean Martin.

Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true. I overcharged him. I forgive you.

That's right. These are your children. Dad, I'm Chris. I'm your son.

HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen. Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad.

Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here!

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf?

BRIAN: I'll do it. What? I'll... I'll do it. I'll give you my kidneys. But Brian, you'll die! Peter, you're my best friend. You... You gave me a home when I didn't have one. And you've treated me like a family member ever since.

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go.

Hey, you guys seen The Office? Oh, no, I guess you haven't 'cause you don't have a TV. Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass? Yeah, come on over. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you. Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

Hey, Meg! Hanging out with all your friends? (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, whale, the ocean's that way! That's a good one, too.

Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh? Start the car! Start the car! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! We've been hustled! Nobody says that anymore.

Hey, where the hell is my van? Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater. Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad."

Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon. What?

(ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail!

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the-- What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Let me just ask you this. When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind, is it good? - What do you mean? - Well... Oh! Yeah. Well, a lot of times when Peter and I are having sex, I feel suffocated, but with you I imagine it would be like doing it with a stuffed animal.

Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest? Oh, it's Dynasty. Oh! Yeah, I didn't watch that. (MURIEL SCREAMING)

Cleveland, This is Barrington. You could be the first black guy ever to play this course. People are gonna be impressed. Hey, a black guy! Ooh, Fun!

I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind. Hey, you guys wanna see something? Grab a beer and follow me.

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power.

Look at that. There's even a guy taking a crap in the sink. Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink.

So you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions? I just think Meg is really cool, and I want to get to know her better. You know, Michael, my daughter's womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed. Neither is her lower back or her hair.

I mean, you're not gay. (STEWIE MUTTERING) What? I said homosexuality is wrong. Are you... Are you being serious right now? Just keep it in the bedroom, you know? I mean, I'm not all in your face with my heterosexuality. No, you are not. Dad, now that you're gay, I don't have to have sex with you, do I?

Oh, that's awful. That's awful. Um, This is a song I've been singing for a number of years. And, I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by. Hungry eyes

You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan." Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it! I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off?

Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold.

(TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.

Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that. Oh, come on. I don't think Quagmire appreciated the condition you returned it in last time. Glenn, can I just... (REGULAR VOICE) No! You can't have it! Hey, guys. It's James' birthday tomorrow. Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah. And don't just put your name. Write something clever.

All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks.

Uh-oh! Germans dead ahead! (FIRING) (GAGGING)

Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, dinner's ready! Damn it, he can't hear me. (CARTER AND WOMAN LAUGHING)

Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn. But, Father, I didn't mean... Wait. Did you say "a porn"? - Yes. - Oh. - Well, that's kind of weird. - Why? Well, I mean, you'd either say, "You made porn," or "You made a porno." You don't say, "Made a porn." It just... It hits the ear wrong. Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe.

Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show.

And just like Helen Keller said... (MUMBLING) But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear Hey! Because all we need is a bag o' weed to make us want to cheer And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You can try and fight but we're all agreed

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye. My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something.

I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh. Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) A perfectly normal little boy! Who also happens to be a transvestite. Which begins with the letter "T." I'm ready. Did you talk to Julie?

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No! Did he at least die with dignity?

A swallow. Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. They've already boarded. (PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

Brian, what are you doing home?

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns. Freeze. Is that... Is that a banana? Don't worry about what it is. I'm still a cop. Whoa, hold on. All right, just take it easy. This can go a couple of ways.

(RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg.

I got you, you bastard! Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real!

Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. Peter, you should really slow down.

Stewardess, the plane just made my beer spill. I want a free one. Sir, all your beers have been free. All 9 of them. And don't you forget it, Frenchie. Now bring me another one and get out of my way. The movie's starting.

Don't stifle my creativity! See that bulge down there, Brian? What is that? What is it?

Okay, and if I win, you have to go online and download that footage of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, and you have to forward it to all your friends with the message, "Oh, my God, look what I just found online! "Isn't this the funniest thing you've ever seen?" - So, is it a bet? - Yeah, fine.

...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy.

Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE. How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight! Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.

I'm still mad at you.

So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society!

Hey, Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes? That's Quagmire.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem?

That was horrible. You're as bad as Beethoven near the end. (HUMMING ODE TO JOY TONELESSLY) They're gonna love that!

Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket.

PETER: Stewie! Stewie, how's that oatmeal? Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal? What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper? I'm just trying to eat here. What did you do to your mother's vagina? Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"?

Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad. (PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty.

Ah, Brian. I am glad you could come to my faculty cocktail party. Let me introduce my wife Helen. Damn it, Steve. You forgot to put out the cheese and crackers. Helen, don't start with me in front of our guests.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up. I'm gonna pee! Listen, I just feel awful about this. Horace was a good bartender and a good guy. I wish there was something I could do.

I just couldn't control myself. Well, Mrs. Griffin, considering this is your first offense, I've decided to go lenient and... Where the hell is my gavel? Give me that. I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence.

Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old? No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old. So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me!

I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes?

And I feel like I just got home

if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way! Lois, I was watching that. What you--What you looking at? The underpants, lose them!

Stewie, that's incredible! Oh. Hey, guys. Peter, what do you have there? Give me the scissors. I was just gonna make some masks! Use your scissors. They're not sharp! (WAILING) - So, what do you say? Hmm.

sir, You don't have to keep moving to the back of the line.

All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you?

Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. What are you doing?

I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car! We have to go to that concert. We are going to that concert. And I'm... ALL: Ready to take a chance again Ready to put my love on the line

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I'm gonna call Lois and have her pick you up right now. Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb. I like cutting myself. I bleed a lot. Could I have the top bunk? He already has a roommate. Me. We're a couple of crazy college kooks. For example, we're about to make a hilarious answering-machine message. Uh, you've reached Stewie and Brian. We're not here right now.

(LOUD CHEERING) What's going on? Did I miss something? Nah, just some idiot streaking across the field. Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. You didn't plan on it, but it's happening. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, man, these stadium bathrooms are always so disgusting.

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society?

I'll come with you. No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.

I just want to cuddle. Oh, you're so sweet. I'm just doing what a man should do. Respecting the sacred institution of marriage. And now, straight to sleep. MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens. Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose? Why not, Dad? It's just water. All right. Well, turn it on. I'm very thirsty.

Give me that. I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just...

I guess that means I'll be Irish Spring. Irish Spring will get you fresh and (WHISTLES) clean as a whistle. See? (SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? There's more soap inside the soap. They know that!

Oh, no. Just....

but this is serious. You're a fraud. I am not. I'll tell you who's a fraud. Mr. Spock. Mr. Sulu, set a course for... One moment, Captain. They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery. FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72.

I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted.

Okay, I dare you to make out with Joe for 15 seconds. What? No way. (EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION) You got to. It's a dare. - That's the game. - That's the game. Okay. What the hell. I'm an open-minded person. Yeah. So am I. No big deal. Just my body. Oh, my God! They're going to do it! Oh, I got to take a picture.

This is insanity! Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America!

It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful! You're not welcome here! Go away! Wow, Chris. Did you lose weight? Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out. Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.

Honey, you awake? Morning, sweetie.

and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?

Well, Look at you there. Well, You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo!

I'd like to hang around with you. But Lois needs me at home. I got bEER. Boo, Lois! Yay, beer! shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter?

Ah! I can't wait to see all my old classmates. This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter? Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow. Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it! You're not uncomfortable, are you?

You're not welcome here, Dig Them. I stand behind my decision. This press conference is over. I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom. Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting.

Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they? Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog. Thank God!

What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist-- I'm a guy, you jackass!

Oh, oh, fine. Fine.

Can't you go down to the school and try to reason with them? No, I'm banned from school property. The PTA doesn't want me around their children. Well, Lois, I think you did the right thing by trying to inform these kids about safe sex, and if the parents don't like it, that's their loss. That's the problem, though, it isn't their loss, it's the kids' loss. I just hope they're getting the information they need.

Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet.

Guess that's just the way God made 'em. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient. We're projecting 10 billion within five years. Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason. Do they eat just, like, regular food?

Rupert? Rupert? Hey, what's going on? Brian, I can't find Rupert anywhere. Have you seen him?

Oh, it's okay. I'm used to not dancing. I mean, I knew what to expect after, you know, Joe's accident, and I'm prepared to live the rest of my life this way.

(DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early.

your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT. Neat! - All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! - "We"? Go to hell, you fat peasant!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Man! Our boy Chris partying with the cool kids. I am a very proud dad right now. And look at that Connie. Jesus Christ! I bet that thing's so tight you've gotta call the city to get in there.

Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad? Kids, why don't you go upstairs, so your father and I can talk. Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here.

Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling

Thanks for having us over. Yeah, it's a wonderful dinner. And on this beautiful new china. You guys have a lot of new stuff. Yeah, Lois has been splurging her ass off. Yeah, she has. You know, she bought me something yesterday, but i--I am not going to tell you what it is. I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes.

Yeah, Filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one. Meg, that's a terrible thing to say. You should marry someone you love. That's what I did. And it got us kicked out of the yacht club. Oh, You can't be mad at your father for being himself.

That's something we can all agree on, right?

What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me?

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Whoops!

What is it, Joe? Please tell me Lois is alive. (SIGHS) It's been six days, Peter. I'm sorry, but we had to call off the search. I'm afraid you're just gonna have to accept the fact that... She's gone. No!

Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories.

They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants... 53 bars, and an indoor cattle ranch. I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with that?

Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!

So it's got to be somebody who can project a certain amount of world-wizened sophistication, while at the same time retaining a certain youthfully passionate idealism. You know who'd be good? Big Jaws. Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood.

- (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow!

Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on!

You didn't see anything. Remember that, or I'll ruin you. Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here?

Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there. You're disgusting. And you're misleading.

I wasn't invited!

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool. Neil. Neil, not so fast. Meg, you need to fulfill your contractual obligations. What are you talking about? All right, Meg, according to the contract...

Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter. Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once!

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex?

PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it or if that's just the back of your knee, but either way, it feels so good. LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack.

Oh, my God! Holy crap!

She's hot. All right, last call, fellows. It's closing time. Oh, crap! I'm not even half-buzzed. Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road? Fine by me.

You're the one thing I can't get enough of So I'll tell you something This could be love because

Original programming. Hi, there. And welcome to The Peter Griffin Side Boob Hour. A wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer. Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on?

What the hell are you guys doing here?

Ah! Is that right? Well, then it all makes sense. Yamamoto wanted it to look like you broke out on your own. That way, when he murdered Chris, it was a cinch that you would take the blame. Well, Patrick, I guess we all owe you an apology. Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened?

But... Right here! SecurITy bReach! Security breach! I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls. And I've restocked our school library with books of some of our greatest movies and T.V. shows. Because if we don't teach our kids to read,

Ah, Turn off the light. I'm reading a ghost story. Pull! Oh, yeah! Who's the big man now, huh? Madonna or Janet Jackson? Uh, Which Janet Jackson? Velvet Rope. Yeah, That one. Pull!

Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear

Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk. I guess wanting it more than anyone just wasn't enough. H-hey, You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there. That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found,

Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes. You're all coming down to the station with me.

Let's go. But just for one night.

and it was cool sailing from there.

They stink of good cheer, Lois! After we've had our fill of bread and wine, we shall tell tales of other times we had our fill of bread and wine. God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good.

(GUNSHOT) Ah-ha! Right through me! Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront. I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a common dandy. Never!

Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. Call me Major General Captain. Now you eat up. I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made. Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. I call the white meat. I call the dark meat.

Well, I can't do it, but you know. Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Fish out of water! Yeah, those are looking good. Yeah. Manuel? Manuel, do you want... Uh, c-Can you ask him if he wants cheese? Hey! Hey! Fidel, no running around the pool!

"Cookie." Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies!

I'll be on the veranda since you're already on the cross. Oh, Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns. May I have one on a plate or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose? Peter, Brian, stop this. Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it? Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope. Hey, Lois, look.

Wait. Now, bear with me on this. What if I date a loser and make him over into a popular guy? Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin.

Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene. (SCOFFS) It wears off after two and a half weeks. Oh! Great. Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number.

Hey, That's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm gonna start right now. Cratchit, you're working through Christmas! But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter.

Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you?

Thanks for having us over. Yeah, it's a wonderful dinner. And on this beautiful new china. You guys have a lot of new stuff. Yeah, Lois has been splurging her ass off. Yeah, she has. You know, she bought me something yesterday, but i--I am not going to tell you what it is. I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes.

(SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) So, what do you think, Carter? You having a good time?

Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears. That's odd. It looks like someone already tried to clean it up. No, it doesn't. Mine smells like soda.

Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still. Check it out. Hey, Margaret tha-- Ugh! What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved. No. That's just our women.

Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

You can't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dirE. Go on. That's it. What the hell do you see in him?

I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter. Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE!

No. But sometimes he's such a little fat jerk! Well, it's only because you never have any time for me! Peter, do you think you could make a little more time for your son? Yeah, I guess so. (SCREAMING) What the hell was that about? Was that Stewie and Brian? (MILEY ROARING)

Wow, Jesus, can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno? Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed. Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead.

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.

Oh, sure. (STATIC BUZZING) Thanks. That was weird. Did you hear that when I was giving her the phone? No. It was like interference or something. Wait a second!

Oh, hey, Meg. What have you been up to?

(STATIC) Hello, ghosts. Come in, ghosts. I am Peter Griffin. I am your friend. Don't be shy. Humphrey Bogart. Don Knotts. That kid I was supposed to be watching at the pool.

Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!

(STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo! Hey, He takes after his Uncle Peter. Peter, he's Carol's baby. Give him to her. Oh--oh, Ah, Yeah.

Let me see it. No. No, I don't want to gross you out. (GROANING) We are in so much pain, right now. The two of us. Okay, that was real! Hey, hi. I'm Private Stewie and this is Private Brian. We both got shot in the foot, so we figured an honorable discharge would be in order.

We certainly do get around Like A bunch of renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony we're Rhode Island bound

No. Let him go.

All right, then. Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down. Not until I have my husband back!

Mr. Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home last night. Have you seen them? Oh. Wait, is he a great big fat person? He's a large man, yes, sir. No, I have not seen them. Well, if you do, could you please contact me? I'm just worried sick.

(SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce. I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30. But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines!

Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear!

and begin life anew as "Meil." Oh, my God! He put it on T.V.? Oh, Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love. I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts!

And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go? (Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men.

Well, the money's the important thing. Now little Paul can get his-- Point Break! That was the movie!

A soup kitchen, Dad? Isn't there any other place we can go?

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

Hey, Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, huh? No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

Mine is "loismustdie," all one word, "@yahoo.com."

Oh, He's cute. Aren't you precious? Lethal injection. Next! What? Oh, no! You can't do this! Who's up for a little lunch? Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex? I'm sorry, sugar. Help me. Don't worry, buddy. I'll get you out of this. I'll get us the best help there is.

Bingo, bitches!

Get a nurse. There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Look, Brian, I think it's wonderful you found a young lady willing to stoop to your level. When do I get to meet her? No, no. No way. Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous. - She's not hideous. - Oh! Well, let me ask you something.

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois?

I was providing for our family. You were lying. I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney!

Hi, fellas. Hey, look, it's Snoopy. Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock? Ah, that's... That's a good one. Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby, and you guys took his candy earlier.

Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish. Uh-oh! (GRUNTS) Oh, no. Oh, no. Hey! Hey! Help! Help!

I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have?

You know, she's got a cute tomboy thing where you feel like you could play softball with her, and then later on, give her the old sausage.

You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke. I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. I'll tell the joke. Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus. Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you straight into traffic.

Trading futures, that's not real. But the money is unreal. Hey. To real jobs. That's it, Fishman. Shirts off. I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Pass the salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost-empty squeeze bottle. Hang on.

Hi, we're here for the interview. Excuse me. Hi. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for Peter. He was just trying to help out his friend. You see, his wife left him and he's been kind of lonely... confused about what he really wants. - What's your name? - Brian.

You know what? No. That's it. I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg. Chris, don't you see? You have no choice. I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money and they'll ground your ass for a year. I don't care, tell them. 'Cause I'm not even going to be here. I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again. Good, go.

Damn it. We were so close to saving Meg. Hey, where's my sister? She's probably having her shish kabobbed as we speak. I heard that from Samantha in Sex and the City 2. (GIBBERING LOUDLY) I haven't seen it yet. That doesn't hurt the story. And now prepare to...

I'm Weenie of Weenie & The Butt, coming to you live on 97.1.

Okay. And I will skin this dog in your honor. - Please, don't. - As you wish. Do you really think it could work, Derek? There's only one way to find out.

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

(PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

Oh. (SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.

Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie. He doesn't seem to be playing well with other children. Oh, He's fine. You know, I was quite a troublemaker myself when I was a kid. Look, your--your parents will be home any minute. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? No, no, No. Go. Go. It'll be funny.

Dad? (PETER WHINING) Dad? Dad? (PETER WHINING) Oh, God, it's so hot.

We've had some bad luck with dinner guests. You Remember when Margot Kidder was here? Ah, We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful.

I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor." This is ridiculous. That never happened. Sit down, you rapist! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to wait until I've heard everything. Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad.

Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie,

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well.

What did you just say? "I'm sorry, Peter." After that. "I feel so foolish." After that. "Casino's profits." Before that. "Everyone in the tribe."

And a hat that has a giant plume And if someday you're feeling rather saucy You can put the chewing gum in the hat BABS: With no other suitors to speak of, I agreed that I would marry him forthwith,

dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

You okay? Yeah, babe. I got to pee, but I don't want to move. I'm so comfortable right now. I can pause it. I guess you could pause it... But you can't pause me! Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe either. This is torture for me, too. No fair. Stop. I'm going to...

I jump on a turtle, Stewie. It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

I wish there was some way I could have prevented this. It wasn't your fault, Mayor West. There's nothing you could have done. To be honest, I don't remember a thing,

For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."

Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So my advice to the two of you would be... According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival And we just might live the good life yet (HUMMING)

Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing.

Name something you find in your bathroom. (BUZZER SOUNDING) A sink. Show us "sink!" Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that. Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl."

You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God! That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane. Yes?

What do you mean, buy one? All I've got is $50. We're gonna have to distract him. Follow my lead. You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?

Meg, I'd love to send you to Paris for a semester, but we can't afford that. But I can pay for it myself. I've been saving up from all my part-time jobs. That's smart of you, Meg. You know, sometimes I do part-time jobs for extra cash. (VIOLIN SCREECHING) Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money.

That happened, and we all let it happen. All right, class, two things today. I'm no good at math, and I don't have a certificate to teach driver's ed,

I'm sorry, honey. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah! Excuse me, Your Honor?

It's anybody's race now, Tom! Ugh!

Kermit the Frog?

Get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Yeah. Take it easy, Peter. Ok, look, We're just gonna have to go on without her. Give me a "D!" "D!"

and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris! We gotta call the sheriff! Holy crap! I'm on it, Lois! Sheriff's Office. Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin.

Look who I found at the train station! My baby! Mommy missed you so much!

Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched!

Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back!

Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor. I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore. Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya? Delighted to oblige, Brian.

It's part of the hibernation sickness. That and these lesions, and the fatigue that I've been feeling, and the persistent cough. (COUGHING) You might, uh... You might have two things.

Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-- Ooh. We have a winner! Here, kitty, kitty, KItty, Kitty.

There it is. Washington, DC, the seat of government for the world's former most powerful nation. Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument. And there's the Vietnam War Memorial. Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to those Vietnam vets.

Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic. Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one. Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people? Would you be saying that if the prize was 150 million bags of the neighbor's garbage? But it's not.

Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Have a go, Brian. As Mr. H. L. Mencken said "The common man's a fool" And just like Helen Keller said... (MUMBLING) But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear Hey! Because all we need is a bag o' weed to make us want to cheer

BRIAN: She sure is, Stewie. She sure is. I'm telling you, Peter, you're wasting your time. She's never taking me back. Well, you'll never know until you try. Hey, I brought this sack of garbage from my home. Where do I put this, just anywhere? Yeah, anywhere.

(LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot. (SIGHS) Finally! TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, Kirk Cameron... Ooh! ...to talk about God. Oh. Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show,

Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim litz? It is you. uh, Which one do you want me to sign? Left or right? No, no, no. It's Lois. Lois Pewterschmidt. I knew you before you changed your name.

Would you like to join the Black Market Club? 10 percent off your first purchase. No, thank you. We're not from the area. Peter, just pay the man. Do you accept bits of string? Sorry. Store policy. But you know, there is another way for you to travel.

Over my burnt carcass. (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, shut up-a with the noise-a. Hey, shut up-a with the shut up-a. You shut up-a with the shut up-a. Shut up-a your face. Now-a my dog-a won't shut up-a. Why you no shut up-a? I'll make-a you shut up-a. You, too, shut up-a. Hey, I poke out-a my head.

(SOBBING) (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Lois! Mom!

Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.

MAN ON PHONE: Okay, do you see the back of your underwear in the mirror? Yes. Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great. You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours. Look, I realize Quahog isn't the small town it used to be,

What? Get him! (ALL EXCLAIMING) (BRIAN CRYING)

I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. Now give that back to Mommy. Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

(BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

Hey, I'm proud of myself, man. I mean, I think it's like... You know, I think everybody has greatness in them, but it's really about having the courage to just kind of get inside your own head and just kind of poke around in there, you know, and be like, "Hey, oh, my gosh, what's under here? "Hey, what do you call yourself?" "Oh! Wisdom." "Oh! Profundity."

MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money. Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.

Well, they're nothing like Billy and me 'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun (MOOS) I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feeling I'm not the only one

Jesus Christ, unbelievable. All right, I'll be back. (WIND HOWLING) Oh, crap! Don't worry, I'll get it. (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) It is Jesus! Oh, my God! It's him! It's Jesus!

Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh.

Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works. Oh, I like that a lot. All right, mo--Moving on. Hey, What about "tulip"?

You know, this is awful timing, but I remembered part of the reason I came over was 'cause my cousin is looking for a job at the brewery.

Victor, don't lean against that. (MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody.

Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.

like the whole Irish nation

What's the matter?

Oh, man, this is what I was afraid of. If he tries anything while I'm standing here, I'm gonna kick him right in the ball...gina? Peter, this is Naomi. Wait, you mean you two used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh... the new Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner.

They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC

Honey, now I want you to visualize Lindsay Lohan, only, naked and doing a backwards crab-walk. - What? - Just do this for me!

Cool. Really? Oh, that's good.

ohh! Life is sweet! How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter!

I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up. All right, can we go now?

Hey, Who wants to see a dead body? Rough week, huh? Ah, I've seen better. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet. Hey, You're getting some looks yourself.

Yeah, it seemed like they're all set without you. She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH)

Help! Help! Somebody, help me! Ben Stiller, help me. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies. - How did you hear? - Hello! Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again...

Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! Shut up! Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it!

and it's a great way to stay in shape.

She got a chair in that shower?

Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra. But I would do anything for you, Brian. I'll be on the veranda since you're already on the cross. Oh, Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns. May I have one on a plate or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose?

Mr. Swanson is sleep-dragging again. I'm flying! I'm flying! I clean in here? Yeah. That's fine. I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset?

How long have you been here? 7:00 a.m. All right, here's your hammer,

Do you think perhaps one day, if we should marry, that I could sit beside you? Yes, I think that would be fine. Get away from my wife, you rascal! Such language in the presence of a lady. If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down.

Zero, one, one, zero. one, zero, zero, one. Zero, one, one, zero. one, zero, zero, one! Zero, one, one, zero. One, zero, zero, one. Ha! Zero, one! Zero, one!

We've got two Persians and a tabby. (GROWLS) Are you okay? Oh, he's fine, he just has a little throat thing, residual smoke from the fire, you know? Well, I'd like to propose a toast. To Brian and Kate. I know we just met, but you seem like you're really good for our daughter.

PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business. I just happened to be there with my video camera when a ninja shows up! And then a Nazi came!

all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know?

- Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70. Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead. Daddy, don't talk to Peter like that.

Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. Ooh, Damn! Must've pulled something playing hoops last week. I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no "J."

But, uh, you know, thanks to these sessions, i--i--I think I'm ok. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for 2 weeks now. Mazel tov. Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. And thank you.

If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche.

(YELLS) (SCREAMING)

like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Wow, Thanks! See ya.

Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants? Oh, look, who's here. Mr. "I don't have time for your Little League games." Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

We are going to that concert. And I'm... ALL: Ready to take a chance again Ready to put my love on the line With you

Well, fine. I'll be on me way. Take back your job, and give your old man a hug. I love you, Dad. I know you do, Son. What are you gonna do now? I don't know.

Yikes! Awkward. "Cheney told me that's where leprechauns hide their gold."

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, pie. I know what you want. I saw you in that movie. Whore, slut, bitch. You don't deserve to have sex with me. Instead, I'm gonna eat the whore out of you. Peter, did you start a coalition for fat guys? Yeah. The fat-guy coalition.

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.

All right, let's do it! But I don't want to get any crap from your wives about me taking you to a strip joint. So you guys are gonna have to lie about where we're going. - Okay, sure. - Yeah, no problem. I'm a great liar. Okay, we're good this way. Is it clear in your direction? Yep.

Stewie. Hello, Janet. How about a push? ahh! Yes. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm... Oh, How do I describe it? You make me feel so young

Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie. That's preposterous. I haven't-- Oh, There it is. All right. Stop the car! Over there.

You bet. Move over, so Tiffani and I have room.

You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself, and you have to go and make me feel foolish. - Look, I didn't... - Save it, okay? I'll be waiting outside under the porte cochere. It was my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things. I'm not having fun anymore. I feel you should know that. (LOCK CLICKING) What was that?

Let's get out of here, Brian. That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me. Don't let me catch you, 'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later.

Do I at least call him Jon? No, he prefers Jonathan. Ugh! One of those guys? How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things? Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off."

because I know how to talk dirty to the ladies. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good. Spit in my mouth. Two hundred auditions and nothing. We still got one guy waiting. You lined up 201 auditions? What a weird number. You're weird.

I'm confident that the people of Quahog will make the right choice. And here to help me secure the Latino vote is actor Jimmy Smits. Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) That's our guy!

Well, that's pretty much all there is to tell, kids. The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you. - I did not care for The Godfather. - What? Did not care for The Godfather.

Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it. You gotta da hot links? Come on, the Pope-a want-a da hot links. (GRUNTS)

Sam, can I talk to you? Sure. But why aren't you looking at me? Well, That's the thing, um, I'm no good at talking to girls. That's why I ran away from you. Well, You didn't have trouble talking to me when you thought I was a boy. Yeah, that's true. Just pretend I'm a boy. Ok.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly?

Joe's right. Everyone huddle up. Good. Now, we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one. Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer. All clear? ALL: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's do this!

You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt?

(BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap!

Okay, it's a movie. All right? Movie. Movie. Peter, there's no talking in charades. Okay, sorry, sorry. Okay. (WHISPERS) Movie. Peter! Sorry. Sorry. (MUMBLING) Okay, one word. Peter, you're still talking! Okay, okay. Right, right, right. Fletch. Is it Fletch? It is Fletch.

Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier?

It's a giant cloud of pollution. Oh, my God. If that gets past the bad neighborhoods and reaches us, that's going to be a big problem. They can't do that. We should report them. To who? There's no government. Then it's up to us, the people, to find a solution. Close the curtains. (SIGHS) Tea Party. Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen.

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise. As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel.

You're going to have to take that somewhere else. It shouldn't be this hard! You know what? I'm on break. Peter, enough with the storytelling. We gotta get outta here! They're gonna kill Meg! Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body. Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. If we angle it through the vent, we might be able to alert the authorities.

Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf?

I pretty much just threw myself at Lois. So, you finally did it, huh? Well, look, Brian, as your friend, I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero, man. I mean, I just... I wrecked that thing on the way out. And just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall.

I know you all hate eggplant, but... What on earth was that?

It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can.

but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says! You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH?

Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.

Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out. Okay, for starters, why don't you just lay back and relax? Loosen up them trousers. Now, feel the air between them toes. Feel a gentle wind blowing the hair on them legs.

I met her last summer when her dad hung himself. But I was too shy to ask her ouT. Ah! What's with that moustachE? HuH? Let me see thAT. Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos. Here. This is her. Hey, nice ass. Sorry. No, No. That's Edward James Olmos' ass.

Tell him you don't want to be in Scouts. Oh, Thanks, Meg. Yipes. Hey, Dad, um, can I come? How about it, Lenny? What the hey? The more the merrier. Now get the hell out of here, you nut, and go have yourself a spiritual vision.

(BEEPING) Nice work, fellas! And, David, you sold the most magazine subscriptions, so you get to invite four of your friends to a pizza party. Hurray!

So You're just gonna let them recast me? It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan "B." Brian, put a mask on. I have an announcement. "Meg Griffin's plane "was shot down over the Sea of Japan. "It spun in. "There were no survivors."

W-w-Wait. No. I--i should've said-- I should've said "Chi-wah-wah."

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish?

" bet she'll be hot. " think she'll be hot, too. No way! So do I! Ouagmire. Hey, Brian! undefinedHow did you get on the show? " had to do a few favors. I got to get on that show. Come on, I'll do anything. Anything? - Yeah. - All right.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

I see them. Wait! Leia! My bike! Where's my bike?

Gee, I don't know. Are you Jewish, Gordon? I don't know, Jeremy, are you?

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now. I don't believe we've met yet. I'm Carter. Uh, I'm Chris. CARTER: Nice to meet you. ALL: Surprise! Yay! Birthday! (GASPS) Oh, my God! Happy birthday, Lois! You guys shouldn't have done this!

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do? Yeah, this doesn't seem like much of a party. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand! No, your right hand. LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!

And you a glass of starboard. Ha! Ha! That's a little nautical joke. I'm a fish, you see. I'm also delightfully mad. ahh! Oh, dear. Would you mind holding still for a moment? These antique pistols take about 10 minutes to reload. Peter, catch! Ow! Don't throw stuff at me, Joe! Peter, shoot him! Oh, yeah. Right.

So, remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.

Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God.

He had a dream and he made it happen.

Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus.

Oh, boy! Great idea, Princess, diving into a pile of garbage. Hey, when we get out of here, maybe you can show me around your home planet of Alderaan. Aww... Too soon? Hey, it could be worse. (MECHANICAL ECHOING) It's worse.

Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like?

Mr. Edison, we're going to use your invention to power the world. And, Mr. Tesla, we're going to use yours in the background of Frankenstein movies. I wanted that one.

PETER: When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn. Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy!

I'll be over at Cleveland's house! I don't even want to be a part of this family anymorE! MEg!

I got a raise. What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold. Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail? No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! Okay! Okay! Man, what a bad-ass! Yeah? Well, That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans.

All right, Jillian, since I'm giving you away on your wedding day, I want to make sure it all goes off without a hitch. Now, what are your thoughts on a wedding singer? I thought that maybe I would just DJ the wedding myself. I already made a playlist on this. A box of Junior Mints? This isn't an iPod? Your Junior Mints play MP3s? My iPod is chocolate?

If you ask me, the President's the lucky one. How's that? He doesn't have to sit through the rest of the show. (GUN FIRES) Yes, I'd like to return this printer.

(PLAYING TUBA) Well? We're waiting.

"Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..." Oh, look, "Ably performed by the entire ensemble."

It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Knock it off. No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Weaf World/Road Rules Challenge. You hate MTV. Pot helps. Look, you know, I don't have to justify anything to you, all right?

Jimmy, make yourself at home. Hey, thanks. Oh! I meant, have a Cheese Doodle. But... whatever. It's a party.

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house?

Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this.

All right. Hi, boys. Your ride is here. Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game. Oh, God. The pressure's too much. I just lost control of my bladder. Why didn't I clothespin the end of my penis like Muriel told me to?

Pretty exciting. What? The marquee or the other thing? Oh, What other thing? You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first? Well, It's obvious. You know, Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera. So, the sex was good? Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass!

So, do you want to go out some time? Out like go out or hang out, or just do something? Like a date. Like a date date? Or like a date? Both I guess.

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love... No, no. Just wipe... Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian! I love you so much! Go... Go roll around in the sandbox... In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around!

Oh, my God! We're going down. (ALL SCREAMING) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. Yeah, buddy. Great job stopping those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11. How could that possibly be a bad thing?

The crowd has fallen deathly ill-- silent. Sorry. Oh, My God! I'm gonna die!

Long lines. Long lines at the D.M.V.

You're not even a trained astronaut.

Oh. Well, you should bring some of them in here. - Any of them have braces? - Yeah. I love braces. My mom has them. Well, listen... I need disposable diapers, but it looks like you're out. Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom. Hang on.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world.

Brian, what the hell did you do? I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, wait, when did you even do that? Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us.

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

Uh, m-m-My name's Brian.

Dear God and Black Jesus! WOMAN: Black Jesus The kingdom of God is inside you, at least it will be in a second. WOMAN: Black Jesus

Well, it's a long shot, but so was the "Shouting Arab-Gram" business. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) From Joan and Keith.

Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead. I forgot my purse.

So, What the hell, Brian? You cured yet? I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture, like some Italian family. My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God!

You know, this used to be all orange trees.

If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin!

it may just mean we'll have our killer. All right, from this moment forward, nobody leaves the group. Joe's right. Everyone huddle up. Good. Now, we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one. Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure. Can I have it, even though it's dinnertime? Sure, Chris. "Drink Ensure as a meal, or in-between meals. "Or when you're on the go!" Is Mort still in the bathroom? I'll go see if he's all right.

Now, Give me a snappy line to go out on. Actually, our lunch is here. uh... Well, that's my mama!

All right, guys, it's gonna be a long night of border patrol, so I brought along Michael McDonald to help us out. How's he gonna help us? He's gonna do back-up vocals for everything we say. How's he gonna know what we're saying? How's he gonna know what we're saying? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Yeah, I hired him for the night.

That's against the law, Officer! Ooh!

Hey! We are very lucky. Oh! Here I go! There's only one solution It's in the Constitution We've got to pull the plug There he is! Quick, Peter, grab the video camera. All right, all right.

Are you an area high-school student interested in the glamorous world of unpaid internships? If so, We'd like to invite you to try out for Channel 5's Young Anchor Program. Oh, Wow! You'll gain valuable experience, have A chance to work closely with Tom and me, and best of all, produce your own on-air report. So, call us now. Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley. Psst! You, Dogbert! Down here! Get a front-row seat for this one.

Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it.

Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor. That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food? Well, actually, this dinner honors all of you. Where should I begin? You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian,

Yeah, the opening's okay. And I guess you can't hate Copacabana. Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best!

Doug, my mom's right.

Bye, Meg. Friends forever. Forever and ever. Wow! What great yard! Guess what, Mom? Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday. This Saturday? Meg, you can't miss Stewie's first birthday. But Mom-- Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party.

How do we know we're in the right spot? PETER: I think it's a safe bet this is the place.

Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen. That's an excellent idea. I like The Madness of King George. Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture. And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing.

Gavin. That's a stupid name. And nobody likes you at school. I tried to stick up for you but I can't, because everybody hates you. You're gonna be ugly when you grow up. And everything in your house is cheap. And it smells in here.

Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers. Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well. Build a bar! That's a great idea.

You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents!

Oh, Chris, hi. I didn't realize you'd be awake. What? Well, Meg said you'd be asleep, but it's fine. I can work with this. Oh, hell no! Meg! Oh, my God. Kent, I just texted you that the plan was off. Meg, what the hell were you planning on doing?

Oh, honey, we are so glad to have you back, but you really don't remember anything? Not really, Mom. I mean, one minute, I was being proposed to by a handsome Arabian prince, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a French hospital. Oh, and we heard from Ruth's parents. She had her tongue ripped out.

A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn!

Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy. Wait a minute. Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered... in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TVaudience? My poor baby. My God, Lois, you were right. Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty.

But we just had to get Stewie back somehow. well, That's a very long story. But we've grown attached to little Stewie. Plus, the law's on our side. Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE. Wait! Is that a real Prada bag?

He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing? Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time.

Donna? It's Grant, your new husband. Hi, honey. I've got great news. What is it? First, where do we keep the good scotch? At your brother's house. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (PETER LAUGHING) I got an audition for the hottest new play in town. This could really make my career and we can finally start our family. What's it called?

I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy.

Let's burn this chick at the stake. I love steak! Other girls don't.

- What? What? - Jeez.

Just checking. Have a good night, Son. PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

"Nanny wanted." Well, that sounds like a good job for an immigrant. Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny. Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited. Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed? Oh, I do hope so. I've always imagined the most beautiful... (GRUNTING)

All right, class, today we're going to be talking about variables. (CLASS GIGGLING) Okay, it's just a rear end. We all have one.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again...

If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt. What is it, Lois? I was watching... Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing? Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum?

Jock! Start the engine! Get the plane up!

(GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that? Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction.

What? No. I'm not fighting anyone. Oh. Well, good thing I made this plaster mold of your hand and forearm.

(EXCLAIMING) You know, this is why... Brian, you remember the last couple of weeks I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about. This evening is ru-ined. Look... Wait, what?

Good morning! Is what normal families say.

And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin! (CROWD CHEERING)

Don't push too hard, Peter. You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show. Lois, honey, I love you but you're sucking all the energy out of the room.

Yes. It spread through his body so fast. But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that-- Operation! May I play? Mom! Thank you, but I can't stay.

What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

(SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING) There is nothing more precious than a baby's laughter.

Freaking Joe with his home theater. Has to top everything I do. Well, tomorrow I'm gonna go to that Home Supply and I'm gonna build an entire multiplex. Well, let's just hope it looks better than that balcony you built. Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellows? Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it.

Hey Thanks, "Watches You PeE."

Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

That's it? That's your reason? Well, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian? Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.

Oh, Don't do that. That's what they expect you to do. Ok, fine for you. But what about your puppies? And your puppies' puppies? God, Am I the only one Who's outraged here? I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner.

And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Objection, Your Honor. This is ridiculous. Overruled. I'll allow it. You better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin. Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies... did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did? Well, how interesting. And, do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today?

I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir. Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference? What's this? This is the bathroom at my work. That's right. And there you are in the stall with your boss, Angela.

My son got into DeVry. Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything?

Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob. Stop it! Stop applauding him! He's not even using real words anymore! We'll be back with a little girl from Atlanta who skips rope with her sister's pigtails. goo-goo, oodla! No! My segment's not over! Come on, little fellow.

Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey. Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins. Well, if you can't beat them... (AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Hey! Wow! So How do you do it? Oh, You're very nice to ask. Well, First I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it. So I jerk them around a little. They fight for a while. And--And then they just lay back and accept it. How about we get together later? Um, Ok.

(ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SCREECH) Oh... Oh, damn it. I guess we're not going. Hey, Stewie, here's five bucks. Get naked.

Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you.

Oh, Wait a second. These are always classic. Lois, that Cheesie Charlie's is--is no good.

You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks.

What? What'd she say? Peter Griffin ruined T.V.? And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard. Peter, take that thing off and come home. Hey, Lois. You're just in time for the exciting conclusion. Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Let's watch. There they are.

Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible! Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa!

I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka. Oh, he's adorable. Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy.

(WOMEN SCREAMING) If you're really sincere If you're really sincere If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right! Oh, baby! Oh, honey! Hug me! Suffer! (EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

I don't know what's in there!

Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I love you, Lois.

f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you

You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball! Peter, it worked!

I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right.

My God, this is more uncomfortable than the goodbye in The Wizard of Oz. Goodbye, Tin Man.

Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America.

What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper?

Lunch is ready, everyone. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, Lois. This is... - This is white bread. - Yeah. So? Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? No. This was cheaper. I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread. Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. Our kids eat...

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?

Oh, my God. Stephanie was an accident. That's a way of putting it. What do you mean, Joe?

prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad,

Can I help you, sir? Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin. I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball game... Doctor's appointment. Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God!

Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on! A new-- A new world! A better world! A German world! Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Yeah! We will emerge as the dominant people!

Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend? (LAUGHING) He got you, Brian! (GROANS) Why didn't I think of this before?

(RADAR BEEPING) They're gaining on us. We'll be safe enough, once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose 'em. That... That was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?

PETER: You film buffs might enjoy this.

Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you. Hey, well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it. Well, still, good for you. So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy.

Come on, I'll take you home.

It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter. Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car. Dad, Now that you're retired, you're comin' to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down. Jeez, Brian, buckle up. Hey, What do you say, Dad? I don't want to be a bother.

But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart.

What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right.

but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place. Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those?

A drop more of the shine, my dear? Yes, please. You know, uh, the kids are gonna be at that town social for a while. I think I know where you're going.

(EXCLAIMING) What? You thought... No, no, no. Spugizakom. It's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic. That's right, Spugizakom. (MOCKING) All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking?

And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family.

I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you!

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning.

The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib. Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING)

I got you, you bastard! Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real!

Yes. The penis one.

Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor. Should we go upstairs? Sounds good to me.

Shape of Jayna's tampon. PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh!

WOMAN: This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money. Oh, my God, Meg! Wonder what music they're gonna use for her? (FAIL MUSIC PLAYING)

Meg, that was awesome. On the road again

Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.

Huh? What about incest, Peter? What's incest? You know how cousin Lou has that kid whose eyes touch? So what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded. I'm just saying that they should have at least had the option. How can you say that?

Ah, Splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home. Everybody, this is Tina. What happened to you? How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up?

Sorry, Lois. Regulations. I can't give you any special treatment. It's ok, Joe, I understand. Shut up, maggot!

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Ew! It looks like a sad, old man. Hey, check it out, you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo. (ALL LAUGHING) She should've handed out cigars after that one.

Wait a minute. Carol, Carol... Is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table? - Yeah. - Yeah, I Better come with you. Really? Well--Well, that's a surprise. Oh, Come on, Lois. When have I not been there for you? Get out of the damn car, now! Scream and you're dead! Thanks for the ride, lady!

Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street,

Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote. Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime.

Oh, come on, Chevy. You should have known what he was talking about. All I have to do is bypass the primary navigational- guidance circuits, deprogram the hardwired safety overrides, and reconfigure the motherboard so that the missile's primary central-processing unit tells itself to eject its own warhead while still safely above the Earth's atmosphere. Hey, Dan, when this is all over,

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh. (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Don't let Peter get into the cookie dough. Yeah, sure. Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and look at something. Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something. PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh!

LOIS: I love you, too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels. PETER: Goodnight, honey.

Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook!

Do you see the wire yet? Over. No. No what? Over. No. Over. Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over. Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why'd you ask me if I could see it? Didn't copy that. Over. I said, why'd you ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it? Over. Oh, that's better. I can hear you now. Over. Do you see it yet? Over.

Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now?

I got him! Ha, ha, ha!

(SNORING) Wake up. Wake up. We're fighting. Where... Where am I? It's okay. We're fighting. Wake up.

All right, out back. No, Ma. Yeller's my dog. I'll do it. Aw, Come on! He'll call back! Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself!

BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent.

Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now?

(ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser! I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again.

llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much.

I mean, he jumped into that lake to try and save your life, and he's eight years old, Peter. Eight! That's 56 in human years! Okay, Lois. I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter! Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least!

And so let us take a look back on his life through this video commemorating all the DUIs that he was responsible for.

But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead!

Oh, he's really upset. I haven't seen him like this since he saw that Rocky Dennis movie. Take off the mask! That's your problem! Right? That's it, Brian. He's not here.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself. Honey, I'll be right there. By all means, take your time. Oh, and When you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston! Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend!

PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is fucking disintegrating. Oh, hey, Chris, by the way, the roofer came today while you were at work. And? It's gonna be five grand to fix it. Oh, that's just perfect.

What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!

Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure.

Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you.

(SNICKERING) "Dear Diary, still no sign of that tampon from last week, "but the headaches are getting worse."

But now you're all gonna die. There's No one who can land this plane. I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black! She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? It was a movie in the '70s. Ah, You damn kids with your music.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!

Rhode Island? Forget that. I'm taking you out for some shore leave. Does this look like a "Q" to you? No. How about now? Sorry, Quagmire. Your crotch just looks like Lois to me. Well, let's ask her then. Hey, Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night? Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun?

I need a friend, Brian, like I've never needed a friend before. Damn it. All right, all right, I'll take it out.

Is that Tom Bosley? What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switzerland? I--I'm almost certain. Tom! Did he look? I don't know. well, If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley!

Damn it. We were so close to saving Meg. Hey, where's my sister? She's probably having her shish kabobbed as we speak. I heard that from Samantha in Sex and the City 2. (GIBBERING LOUDLY) I haven't seen it yet. That doesn't hurt the story.

(SIGHS) I know what's going on here.

(ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Hey, guys, look over there! It's a hot girl from Florida. No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom! I see you've met my daughter. You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar.

In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers. We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted! I'm sorry, but we open this show in 3 hours,

Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down? We're having my son's birthday party over here.

Guess this is as good a time as any. (EXCLAIMS) (STEWIE YAWNING) What you doing? Oh. Hey. Just needed a little drink. Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right? Saving it for what?

Hey, Stewie, you up? What the...

Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay?

CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe!

Ok, truth or dare? Who here has gone all the way? Hmm? You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing. Now everybody pair up! All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out. Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard?

Hey, Come on, Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you. Oh, Let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... Ooh! big shock, a jack pops out. And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside. Surprise, honey!

I farted during the murmuring. What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING) Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

Geez, Quagmire, what is it? (SIGHS) Charmese won't give me a divorce because she doesn't believe I'm gay, so I need you to have sex with me while she watches.

But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded... that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded... but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say?

Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him. Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!"

PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.

(SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage." Spread the word.

I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me!

We like being alive, we like being alive We like being, oh, we like being, oh, we like being alive I guess it's their time.

For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what, Brian? Over. I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over. That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over.

My God! I'm a tomato! MALE REPORTER: And now back to The Sound of Music. (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Oh, thank heaven. The von Trapp family escaped!

Derek and Jillian? Wow! Hi, Brian! Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger,

Oh, my God. You want me to carry your child?

Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family. You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

- Come on, Stewie. Let's go. - Yes, yes. I'm just checking the mail. " say, here's one from the vet. Give me that. Good lord, worms? You have worms? I don't have worms, all right? I just got checked for worms. Oh, wait. No, I do have worms.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

From the first time I read that script, I just knew it was gonna make it on TV. I could see it. Well, yeah, I mean, but the real victory is just having a show make it to TV. I mean, we almost don't even need to watch. Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours.

Oh, my God. We're hurting our own hometown. All those drugs that are flooding into Quahog are from us. Oh, yeah? Well, if we're dealing so many drugs to Quahog, why is the Quahog envelope so light this week? Yeah, I say we go down there and talk to those people in Quahog. No! This is what I'm talking about.

Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse? No, now you're being acute. RED: That time in the hole changed old Andy.

Tonight me and my friends, Paulie and Matty, are going out to drink a ton of beers. Tonight my friends and I are going out, but we're not drinking because those are empty calories. Then we'll play full contact football in the park with no pads or helmets. Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for Bad Movie Night. Then it's straight to the bars to find loose women to have sex with.

Fat people are immoral. How do you figure, sports fan? They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad.

Oh, my God! I--I didn't mean "you people." I didn't mean "oh, my God," either. I know--I know he's your God, too. I... Shh. And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to--

Couldn't have been more than 12 years old. I taught him how to crack wise, American style. (ALL SCREAMING) I guess that store's having a fire sale. (LAUGHS) KEVIN: I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age. Smart, but innocent. And then one day, there was a fire fight.

Acknowledged. I'm on it. Joe, would you settle a camp argument? Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns. The murderer won't leave the camp. What? What are you talking about? He's feeding. He killed twice and he's gonna do it again.

What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air You're a real pal, Jesus. Well, I'll tell you this, Peter. You ain't never had a friend like me.

Mom, I'm scared. I don't believe it. Are we really stuck in space?

Jose, Roberto, whatever.

Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

DA VINCI: Boy, I'm sick of the pizza. Well, we've gotta stop Bertram. What are we gonna do? Don't worry, Brian, I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm a genius. Like Thomas Edison. Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting. (LOUD ZAPPING) Brian, look!

Wow, Peter, a free gas card. This could save us a lot of money.

And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

I got it! Carter, somehow you and me are gonna find a way to get rich. Now you're talking my language. All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

No airline will hire me after the accident. I'm broke and jobless. Quagmire, you belong in a tree. You're a nut. (LAUGHS) What? Come on down, Quagmire, you're staying with us.

That's great, too. Okay, bye, Bonnie. See you tomorrow. Bye.

Don't move! aah!

Well, this is just great.

Oh, uh, huh, Hey, Cleveland. I was just leaving you a message. You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

No one's out there, Brian. They would have come in. Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What? It's all on tape. What's all on tape? (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, that is gonna be on YouTube. Oh, God. Everybody that works in an office is gonna say to their coworkers,

- You lend me money? - No. You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? No! No, I'm not doing that. I stick finger in your mouth? Housekeeping? Okay. Okay. "Nanny wanted."

WhoA, is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? We have a caller on the line. Go ahead. Yes, yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can? Quiet--quiet-- Quiet. Shut up-- Shut up. Um, well, You'd better let him out!

All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower. Now I'm going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool. Now, no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into, or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose, I want you to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and float towards the pie.

(LAUGHING) He's not... He's not gonna get to.

Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers.

There it is! The black market! Lois, if we don't make it out of here alive, i--I should tell ya, i--i--I promised my first girlfriend we'd meet up in Heaven. I--I was lyin'.

Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team? Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. Yeah, buddy. Great job stopping those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11.

Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you?

Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam!

All right, let's see what you guys have done to make yourselves look like douchebags. Mayor West, come up here. All right, good. Looks good. All right, I'm a hot chick in a club. What do you say to me? You're not attractive, but I'll do you as a favor. (LAUGHS) Lucky for you!

Yeah, and he seems to be weirdly, physically fit at this place. Yeah, it's almost like he has unrealistic abilities when we play laser tag. All right, well, if we just stick together, then... Zap, zap, zap! What the... No way! How'd you learn to do that? The question isn't how I do it.

And I'm just calling to let you know... you might want to get yourself tested. Hello?

There it is! The BBC!

TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? undefinedA rare miss. " don't think that was a sketch, Peter. Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy.

Now you're talking my language. All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING)

I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy. Attention, President Griffin. As you may presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks. But more importantly, We're about to commence Operation Bomb the Crap Out of Your House. The guy who thinks up the names is on vacation. FiRe!

Maybe we should go now. Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look! WeLl, Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell? Actually, we are tired.

Hey, New Brian. I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly

I don't know. Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well... I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time.

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha!

Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too. I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt. Whoops.

Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire. Oh, my God! A piece of your brain came out! Ah! Well, that can't be good! Well, maybe it's not so bad. I can feed it to my pet zombie. Here you go. Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya? He was a rescue. When I found him, he was just walking face-first into a chain-link fence downtown.

When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar. Oh, for God's sake!

And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!

Hey, you know what they say. See a broad, to get that booty, yak them. BOTH: Leg her down and smack them, yak them. Cold got to be. (BOTH CHUCKLING) Shit. If you'll excuse me,

Play ball! Let's do it! I swear I didn't know. Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him. I got shortstop. The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. I tried everything to get the stain out. What about lemon juice? Oh, What about club soda? What about shutting the hell up? Isn't baseball great?

This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? Oh, that's just the TV ALL: Ha! Ha! Ha! This one checks her heart rate This one checks her veins And this dispenses gravy for her mashed-potato brains Oh, oh, oh

and I could never hurt you. Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you. Say hi to Cleveland for me. Oh, and Mr. Weed. (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT)

Plus, I got to get back to the station. If I'm not there by 5:00, Joyce will anchor the news, and I don't think anyone wants that to happen again. Our top story. Guys, right? Yes, it's open and shut. Now let's just vote him guilty and get out of here. Look, I know everyone's in a hurry, but shouldn't we at least go over the evidence once before we vote, just to be fair? You know what would shed some light on the case?

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him!

That one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face and the other reindeer just kind of ate it. Isn't Christmas magical?

My God. I-I shall cherish this forever. I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. Sure! What did you learn? This is great. We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c--

Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! All in a day's work. Remember, If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone. Hugh Downs away!

(GROANS) Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that? (STAPLE GUN FIRING)

Wouldn't I love a tinker toy And a little drummer boy He can either tap his drum or my rear All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!

And I'm the one who should pay, not my whole family. I'm gonna turn myself in. You're mine now, Lois! Oh, my God, Joe!

Peter, I don't know what you think you're doing, but you've ruined my Sex Ed class. There's no way you're coming with me again. Fine, but without my advice, those kids are gonna be as hopeless as Liam Neeson when he tries to play an American cowboy.

Looks like you're a civilian now. I'm gonna have to search your vehicle. Well, lookie here. What do we got in this thing? Oh, come on! You planted that there! We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high?

Mr. Griffin, since you can't control your drinking... you've been demoted to the shipping department. Come on! This is your new supervisor, Angela. Mr. Griffin, we have different rules here. For starters, no drinking. Period. We start work at 7:00 a.m. sharp.

Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

(SNEEZES) Quiet! Keep it down up there! What did I just say? I'm calling the police! I don't know, Brian. Don't you think you have a responsibility to your son? I... Lois, I didn't even know I had a son until today. And, besides, it's not like Tracy ever asked for my help. Yeah, it seemed like they're all set without you.

It isn't in me to cause harm to anyone. No matter how much someone has harmed me. I'm sorry, Cleveland. Cleveland, I think this beautiful woman would like to say something to you. You told me this was Lois's intervention. Nice. Cleveland? Loretta, what you did was unforgivable.

"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too.

(EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING) Where the hell is Quagmire?

Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts.

Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles. If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.

Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you! Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

Peter, did you Xerox your penis? Three-hundred times. It's a flip book. Flip through it or you're fired. Oh, my God! This is disgusting.

Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie. All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody. I pretty much just threw myself at Lois. So, you finally did it, huh? Well, look, Brian, as your friend, I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero, man.

And I will continue to sing! And... How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois. Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week!

Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass!

It's time we ditched the W.B. and concentrate on features. sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice. Oh. Will you sign my ass? Do You have a pen?

Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs And in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm. That's right, Diane. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus, then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch,

Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin. I understand you children read my book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel?

Done! Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool. Can I try some Red Bull? Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull? Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't. Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five. Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em. (LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says. All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow. Peter, where'd you get that cow?

Oh, Jeez, Kate, what should I do?

Oh, shut up, you bastard!

Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters? Stewie, it's gonna be fine. Look, here's our first house. There you go. A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you. Everybody gets a hen. Would you like some gravy? Sure you'd like some gravy.

It all makes sense. Ew! My God, da Vinci is your ancestor. But why would Bertram go back this far to get rid of you? Ah, you're forgetting I initially encountered Bertram as a sperm in one of the fat man's balls,

thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, and Greg became his slave? Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word.

Julie! Hi! We were just talking about you. Hi. Do I know you? Oh, right. Yeah, no, you don't, you know Karina. I'm her brother, Stewie.

I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog. Hey, listen, sister, I just... (FARTING) I'm sorry.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Say "hang on" and drive down staircase. Hang on!

Peter, where have you been? Let's just say I've been at Cleveland's empty house taking a dump. (GROANING) That's disgusting. I will be taking all of my movements there from now on. All of them! (EXCLAIMING) (LET'S GET LOUD PLAYING) Let's get loud, let's get loud

Yeah, I mean, I know I was skeptical at first... but I got to be honest, I've never felt this way about anyone before. I mean, I am in love. That's it. I am in love. I finally understand those songs on the radio. What did you think

MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better Now we're friends Yes, it's true But no one else can friend me like you

For all we know, he could be this way for the rest of his life.

I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right?

Take your hand away. Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire. Oh, my God! A piece of your brain came out! Ah! Well, that can't be good! Well, maybe it's not so bad. I can feed it to my pet zombie. Here you go. Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya? He was a rescue.

(EMITS FARTING SOUND) Lois, don't worry about it. I got a bunch of great new shows lined up. STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds,

Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

They call me Bill yes, they call me Bill And I'm standing here on Capitol... Ohh! Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole.

and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what?

And according to recent polls, air is good. Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother! Oh! Gentlemen, I propose We send a message to tobacco companies everywhere, by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars! That's the spirit, Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective.

Lot of salary cuts. A lot of layoffs. Yeah? That's pretty much it. I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet. I don't know. Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work? What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah. You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works?

Peter! I had a juice before we left.

And action! Okay, Hillary, you know the bet. You have to sleep with the next guy that walks through that door. Got it. Dad? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Hillary? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're in college? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're my new college roommate?

That might work.

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces. What... What... Ahhh! Ahhh!

Come back and be my douche again. Hi, I'm looking for Glenn? Oh! What happened to your leg? (CRYING) Damn it, Brian! Come back home, Brian. I tell you what. When this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of Cool Whip. There it is again. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?

Bonnie, this is insanity. Promise me you'll put this whole affair thing out of your head. Lois, I'm just having fun. You're playing with fire. Look, no marriage is perfect, but Joe's the man you gave your life to, and besides, you have a little girl. You really want to be setting this kind of example?

Happy freaking birthday, Lois! Oh, My goodness, it's A... another sword. Thank you, Peter. Go ahead. Try it on.

Tonight's top story, local record-shop employee, Jesus Christ, was found in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment this morning, face down and unconscious. Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars."

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.

Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today.

Good evening, parents. I'm Ms. Clifton. I'd like for you to fill out these... contact information sheets. Now, who would like to pass them out? Ms. Clifton, over here! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton!

no, no, No! You're doing it wrong! When you read Faust you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in A scary voice like this!

Hey Mort, Joe here's gonna be competing in the Special People's Games. Uh, You got anything that might give him A little extra juice? You mean steroids? But, Peter, haven't you seen what happens to those ladies on E.S.P.N. 2? They get big hair faces, and their breasts become like flapjacks! I--I was thinking more like a protein shake.

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS)

Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future. We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig? Marty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch. Damn! Brother done kissed his mama!

(CARTER SCREAMING) That's the power of "please," kids.

How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay. Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

Come on, Stewie. Don't you want to pee in a toilet bowl like a big boy? I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.

Meg. Meg, I promise, I'll do better at this job than I did on the SATs. Come on, do math.

So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! (SHOUTS) What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! Hey, what the hell? What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? You want to go? Go? What are you talking about?

Hey, where are you going all dressed up? Oh, nowhere important, just this special dinner in my honor. It's being thrown by the Rhode Island Society for Special Literary Excellence. What's that? Nobody said anything, Brian. Oh, I thought someone just asked why they are honoring me.

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present. All right, get on. (SIGHS) We made it. Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey.

Teleport to Vegas, huh? All right, let's do it!

The place is packed. How are we gonna figure out who has your credit card? I got it, Brian. Smell my ass.

I'm gonna get a drink at the bar.

So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend. You come out here right now! PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games! Peter, it took me a half-hour to clean up all that Kool-Aid.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mister Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Oh, Mr. Booze Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah

I'm not quite so sure I can find my way.

- You can both suck my ridges. - Get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis.

Who is the doctor? Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away. Yeah, definitely. Maybe it's a my-two-dads kind of situation? Right. Like they don't know which one was the real father, so they both call themselves Dad. So, wait, were both the guy in the car and the doctor biological parents?

Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games,

I can do you guys, too. (IMITATING PETER) Hey, everybody. Oh, hey, Peter.

Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for 8 months now. Please, for your family, take it off. Hey--Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!

Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a bad parent. I'm just, I'm so disgusted with my behavior. And I'm so sorry, Meg. Yeah, you're a bitch. Well, you know, I've been sorta just hanging back here, taking all this in, cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight, but my money's on Harry Potter over there. Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass?

All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flannigan Look to the ground when their dad passes by Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty Fight for his honor and then start to cry

All right, let's hurry up and find a way out!

Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Ptew! Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb. What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me! Ugh! Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh!

(LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

even when her mind started to go. What the fuck?

Y-You remember that time I pretended to be gay? Peter, There is no way they're gonna believe you're an IndiaN.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air. Naked plastic chicks.

Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass! Okay, come on now. Something serious. MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to... Okay, I heard "pharmacy."

Is that you when you were a little girl? Oh, yeah. That's the summer my family went to DC. That flag's missing some stars, there. Why don't you come to bed, Brian? What do you say we make a little whoopee? Yeah, sure. Why not? (BOTH MOANING) You okay? I'm not hurting you, am I?

Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you.

Butt out, schlomo. All I need is your address. You can jot it down on the back of my gun. Well, You do have an honest face. Aw, Crap. I made a mistake. Do you have another gun?

You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do. Woo-hoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now. Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh!

Yay, Joe. Now you have a friend.

Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this.

Hope the bottle washes up wherever I happen to be. And how about you, every Persian guy in the world? ALL: White BMW.

All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter. Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging?

nothing matters. That you don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. You matter big time.

So then, the man, weak with hunger,

So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels, 'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch!

That was beautiful, Brian. Well, you know what they say, write what's in your heart. (SLURRING) Hey! Oh, did... Did I miss Byron's reward? Brian's award. And, yes, you did, Peter.

(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you. And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today.

I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork. Oh, come on, this is identity theft. I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir. Thanks, Joe. Clam later? We'll hoist a few? Sure, Peter. Joe! Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.

QUAGMIRE: Ouch. Is there a bathroom in here? I've been yo-yoing a turd for the last 20 minutes. Oh, sorry. I was looking for the bathroom.

Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay.

Man! This is even better than... No, wait. No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know. Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

Actually, would you mind tuning it to 97.1? ANNOUNCER: You're listening to "The Quiet Storm." Up next, the music of the Isleys, Teddy Pendergrass, and right now, here's some Marvin Gaye. That's what I'm talking about.

Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg? Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we're working together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me! What's that? Give it to me, Neil! Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil! Yeah. That'll work just fine.

ROck thE boat! Don't Rock the boat, baby rock the boat! Don't tip the boat over rock the boat! Don't rOck the boAt, baby rock the boat Rock on! HEy, Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa--ugh!

Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags! This means war! Excuse us. We're having a small problem with home security. Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode?

Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax.

Monkey, grab my hand! (SCREAMING)

"When life ruins your legs, you just got to make legonade."

No! Wait a second. Got something.

I might as well. I'm melted to the ground. There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEAKING) What the hell is that? You're wearing a wire! (TIRES SCREECHING) I am so murdered. Peter, I'm hurt. How could you deceive me like this? Oh, God, O.J.! Please don't kill me.

(GRUNTING) Mom, I still don't get it. How could Dad turn into some kind of feral creature just from two months in the wilderness? Yeah, it's weird. He doesn't even talk.

You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it. Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it.

Look, it's not that big a deal, all right? We just... We just made out a little. (EXCLAIMING) Tell me about it. Go! It didn't mean anything. I had a few too many and... It's not even worth going into. Oh, this is an even bigger jackpot than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue.

Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene. (SCOFFS) It wears off after two and a half weeks. Oh! Great. Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number. Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING)

And that trip to the Eiffel Tower was just amazing. (PANTING) Are we almost at the top? Yeah, just a few more steps. Here we are. (HUFFS) Ah. The winds of Paris. Isn't that what they say? Ah! That breeze is gorgeous.

- Oh, my God. - What? It's all on tape. What's all on tape? (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, that is gonna be on YouTube. Oh, God. Everybody that works in an office is gonna say to their coworkers,

On that crazy king's highway Too much passion Too much play

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

There's lots of fun things you can do with that. There we go. Thanks!

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew!

Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. Doh! My fanny is not on the menu! WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here, little fella. Come get the food.

If anyone asks, I shot him. Got that? You were crying in the corner.

Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, Mom. No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home. I don't care. I don't care. Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep. 'Cause you're gross. And even if they are, so what? Who are you saving yourself for? Hey, look, I got to go.

What? Yeah, exactly. "What?" Eyes front. (ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell? (AIR HISSING) Looks like it's the radiator. Wow! Brian identifies another problem without a solution.

Damn it, Peter!

All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game... in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty.

We were gonna go get her passport renewed. Oh, Chris took her into his room about 10 minutes ago. What? That whore! She's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan. (ROARING)

(SIGHS) Excuse me, sir. This is private property. What are you doing? Just taking it all in. You're staring at my daughter's bedroom. She's really grown into her body. This is gonna be a fun summer for her. You guys, we've been out here a couple of days now,

You may think I look great But I'm 28 Each jingle bell is a requiem knell And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell

I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network,

Boy, it was nice of Quagmire to let us use his place. This'll be much better than that vacation we took with The Price is Right yodeler. (YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop!

Church organist? That's boring.

No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for?

You lied to them! You--You told Child Services that we steal lawn mowers and cheat on our taxes and worship some guy named Stan. Um, Actually, I said Satan. That's a typo. We didn't know who that woman was! It's not our fault! No? Then whose fault is it? It's all of yours!

I don't think you understand how serious a matter... - Close your menu. - What? Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order. I'll give you another moment. God damn it. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time. Corrects you? Brenda, he's not correcting you, he's beating you.

Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.

A. Don't ever listen to me talk. You don't deserve my words. B. When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically. And C. You actually like High School Musical? What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room. Questions? Hey, Meg. Take that!

Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how!

It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true. All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch. And as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.

This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was. I mean, you know, sure, you were in a little over your head, but... Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was in over my head? Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing. Okay, then apologize. - I just did. - No, you didn't. You just said it's about me apologizing.

- That's happened to me. - Me, too. Cars go fast. Oh, God, yeah, I'll tell you, ifl had a nickel for every time that happened. - Yeah? - What? What if you had a nickel for every time that happened? - No, nothing, it's just an expression. - A what?

(PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

(APPLAUSE) Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up,

All right, Poligrip, this is where you earn your money. Oh, my. Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it!

I think that's everything. CLEVELAND: You want me to double check? I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training, which will address how to deal with a crazed drug user.

On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning. - FM. - Cool. WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning. On 97.1. 97.1. MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog.

So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels, 'cause it's Cheb Mami with Zechechmelech on 103.2, the Hoch! What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection.

That singing hussy is destroying our marriages! mm-hmm. Yeah, then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there yourselves. Maybe we will. Yeah! Jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside?

Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex. Uh, Peter, that wasn't, uh-- You know, for a large, heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass. That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy. What was that? Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.

I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come!

Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. (ACCORDION PLAYING) Bye, you guys. Have fun at school.

- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard!

Surprise! Uh, Everything looks the same. Oh, It looks the same, but actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean. oh. Ha. maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors.

Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt. A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for? I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it. GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit.

(LAUGHS) You know, without the other guy yapping in my ear, these guys aren't half bad. Now, I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but don't you think you're a little small? Listen, I tell you what. You can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.

And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yup.

Lois, are you out of your mind? We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us.

Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.

(EXHALES) All right, I'll do it. What are you talking about? (EXHALES) I can't leave you like this. But you have to swear never to tell anybody. (GASPS) You mean, you're gonna eat my...

could I do this with a Hula-Hoop? (GRUNTING) No. No, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat.

And you're like, "Oh, man!" But chicks don't do that, because they use a spoon. What's up? Su-Fi! Boo! MySpace. Is he saying something funny? I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess. (CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college.

And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now. Stay away from me! Stay away from me! Stewie, no! (ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING ROCKY) And now here's something we hope you'll really like.

A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news.

Uh, I hate being around old people. They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator.

(GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan? Oh, my God! Oh, crap!

(GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

Well... I'm president of the Luke Perry Fan Club, quahog Chapter. Hmm. But I've wanted to go to Brown ever since I was a little girl. Well, actually, I really wanted to go to Wellesley.

So how did it go? I--i--I'm not finished yet. Aren't you gonna ask me how it went? Yes! Did you talk to the company executives? Peter, answer mE! YEah, I did! And They made me president.

And here I was looking forward to a nice day of golf, away from all those people who have demonized me and made me out to be some kind of boogeyman, even though I was found innocent by a jury of my peers. But what about the civil trial? Believe me, Peter, there was nothing civil about it. (LAUGHS) Well, that makes up for one murder.

(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring. Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom. Okay, how about "bathtub"?

so I figured I'd make it my own. How are you enjoying your steak? NORA: Mmm. It's delicious. Let me put another log on the fire. (FIRE CRACKLING) Thanks, Joe. It was getting a little chilly in here. Well, that's 'cause you're all the way over there. Well, let me fix that. NORA: Mmm. - Oh, Joe. - Oh, Nora.

Well, I'm just gonna change out the card on your unit real quick,

I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over. If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?

I'm getting an Audi! i have an innie. Uh, Miss Stratford? Come in, Mr. Griffin. Don't be nervous. The I.R.S. is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. You smell nice. What? Oh, That must be you. No. It couldn't be me. I just farted.

Look, I don't know what's going on here, but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe. (GASPING) What? Oh, my God. Good Lord! I am a genius. What is it?

What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them. (SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since...

(CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny!

Yeah, it's a wonderful dinner. And on this beautiful new china. You guys have a lot of new stuff. Yeah, Lois has been splurging her ass off. Yeah, she has. You know, she bought me something yesterday, but i--I am not going to tell you what it is. I want you to guess. Just c-close your eyes. It's a soccer horn. I know what it is!

Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy!

And now back to A&E's Biography, Twinkee the Kid.

Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second? Yeah. What's up, Eric? Everything okay? Yeah. Just come into my office. Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food. What? She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich.

Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois! Maybe I should go in. He's so upset. He's just being melodramatic. You've got to ignore it if you really want to help him. Are you flexing?

Am I... Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her... ...and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis.

(BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time.

Hey, I'm not even touching the lever. Chilling news from Long Island Sound, as a four-passenger prop plane on its way to East Hampton spun into the surf off Montauk Point.

Yes, sir. Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today. Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy, Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy.

Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing? Joe, what are you doing here? Peter, we have proof that it was Chris who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy. I knew it. I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. Oh, God, what happened to my baby.

I haven't eaten in 4 days 'cause I-- 'Cause--'cause I... I just can't fit any more in there. Help me. Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave in a century. That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body.

(LAUGHING) You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

Yes, I suppose I am. Karin Parotta, modeling agent. Listen, sugar, I've seen your stuff. You're a breath of fresh air in my stoma. I could get you a lot more work if you sign with my agency. Really? Oh, my God! How exciting.

...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way. Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious.

Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Thank God. Oh, He's cute. Aren't you precious? Lethal injection. Next! What? Oh, no! You can't do this! Who's up for a little lunch? Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex? I'm sorry, sugar. Help me. Don't worry, buddy. I'll get you out of this.

Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds. This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body? Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion. Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake.

There's no factory?

I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings.

Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?

Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse. Would you excuse me a second? Okay, I'm back.

You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico! Come on. What's going on up there? Briggs.

(GASPS) Stewie! That's my name, don't wear it out. (GIGGLING) See, that's brand new to him. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?

The crowd is storming the field!

Hey, hey, you're welcome. Our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Maharjarifa... Something September 11th-y. All right, Omar, your word is "candy."

But I got you a new baseball. Good. Our first catch of the day. Hey, go wait in the AT-AT. Now listen, since your mom's out of town and I have you for the weekend, I thought it would be fun if the Emperor and I turned you over to the dark side of the Force. Daddy, if I may, I'd like to throw out another option.

We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas! Ah, This is gonna be great. Cruises are the best. And look. It says we have our choice of cabins, port or starboard. Ho, Listen to me. I sound like an old salt. Yes. Though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea.

A laser rock show!

Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video, and we'll get started. What? Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name? Dr. Hartman. Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal". No!

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. There's no conflict in this movie! When are you gonna get rid of that stump?

Right, and When that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns, how--how would our forefathers have settled their differences?

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

HEy, Were you there when I farted?

I am going to do it. I am going to do it. Blast! Good Lord, Lois, either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman. Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to take it from the back. Take on me

Honey, if you wanna lose weight, I'll put you on a diet, and your father can help you exercise. Really? Why don't you do what the supermodels do? Stick your finger down your throat, and throw up till you're skinny. Chris, Don't listen to your sister. Sticking your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up.

Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.

Give it up Gotta give up the toad now Or you'll croak, buddy Give it up Gotta give up the toad now And don't smoke or you'll see

Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good.

on which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that. I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again. Well, if you really think it'll help. I sure do. Know what else will help? A little saxophone therapy. (FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how!

Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it!

What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? (SNIGGERS) Still drinking. Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon?

(SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg.

Really? Oh, honey. Ah, Hello. This is my special friend, Max Weinstein. He's Jewish. Ooh, My, how exotic. Thank you? See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too. You balanced our checkbook? Yup. Isn't that right, Max?

l'm Dan Rather. All right, come on, ladies. Right this way. This'll show them that Cleveland's not fit to be a parent. So, tell me, is there any tread left on the tires at all? Or at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes.

Hmm. Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool.

My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)

He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. Simpson? Yes. Was this in the news? Yes, Peter. It was all over the news. Well, now, wait a minute. If he killed two people, how come he's not in jail? He was acquitted. Well, there you go. Everything's fine. Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.

So I guess you think you would have been some kind of big shot by my age, huh? Done things differently? Gotten that promotion? I don't even know what you do. Well, let me tell you something! You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING)

(WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

(SIREN BLARING) No, but I mean after soccer practice. You got anything planned for then? I mean, nothing, nothing. Keep walking. You don't know me.

So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security? Do you think we should support what the President is doing? Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us. And truthishly, we should just accept that. Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go,

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill.

Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

That. That's what. What? It's a circle. It's a good circle, I'll give you that. No. No, no. Space station. What? Yep. (IN DISBELIEF) What? - Yep, it is. - No way! It is. It is, big time.

No, no. Keep the camera over there. I want everyone to see it. TOM: This is why we're third.

All right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces. Good. Now we wait.

I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois! (CHORTLES)

Yes, so many questions!

No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny!

Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion. (TRAIN APPROACHING) Train!

It ain't easy being cheesy.

Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts?

Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. You know, you really hurt me, Chris. I know. I was wrong. I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna. Please, just give me another chance. Gosh! He doesn't look so good.

WhoA, Ass ahoy.

My loyalty is to reason, Lois. And as a reasonable person, I reserve the right to change my mind when presented with new information that alters my perspective. And I got to tell you, I had this guy all wrong. I mean, some of the stuff in here is... Hey, baloney!

Stay out of the cat box. Bye, you guys. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. Sperm whales and seamen. A swallow. Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. They've already boarded. (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working. Great. You can teach me how to drive.

Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad.

I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst.

Get 'em! I guess we can't hang out anymore. I guess not. That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you. Me, too. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! oh! What are you doing?

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca. Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here.

You know, I read that they're opening a Superstore USA across town. Maybe you could get a job there. No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What?

Stewie, you want a Mommy rocket ride?

Oh, my God! My dog is dead!

What the deuce?

No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon. I was giving a piano lesson. Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man. Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote.

Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Look, they're all eating each other, anyway! (SNARLING) Besides, we don't need 'em. I made a few modifications. Hang on.

You're a monster. Hey, Chris was in on the whole thing.

Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me.

Get the fuck out of my house!

Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out! (CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis. Run, Patrick, run! After him! Boys, to your Rascals!

Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin.

W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

I got so caught up in taking down Mayor West that I just lost sight of right and wrong. Thank you, Brian. Well, can I give you a lift home? My cab's right outside. (SHOUTING) (ROARING)

Hey, Petey! Quagmire? What are you doing here?

I think we're through here. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

You're Mel Gibson? Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.

(SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS)

What do we do? Only one thing to do, man. You still got that bag I gave you? Man, I wish I could listen to some Tatooine, Wind & Fire right now. Hmm.

Wow, guys, you hear that? A raise. Interesting. Seems like the kids are doing pretty well at this grown-up thing, huh? I would suggest that you suck that. Wow, I am already so stuffed. Guess I shouldn't have had so many action figure guns for lunch.

Hey, Stewie, what are you doing? Well, Brian, in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought, "Why not go back in time "to that Summer of Love in the '60s "that everyone's always talking about?" Oh, cool. Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid? I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you. Very bad dog.

What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity.

That family is the pinnacle of high society.

We're going to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off.

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING) Well, this was quite an adventure.

You're getting married? Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

Oh, Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?

Is that good? We don't know, but it's what we do! (HESITANTLY) Yay! Boo! Boo! Oh, my goodness, the Queen is going to be here presently. This is oh-so-exciting! My favorite part before the Queen arrives is yelling "Wanker!" at Prince Charles as he passes.

Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's got to come out. BOTH: What? It's been in the microwave for three minutes. It'll get dry. Now...

Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. Where are you? Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

Oh, there you are, Brian. All right, you ready to meet your clone? Am I ever. I've got a to-do list three pages long for him. Okay. Now, I want to qualify this by reminding you that as with my clone, the intelligence level is reduced a bit. That's good. We don't want him thinking too much. Yeah, well, I might have dialed yours back a little more than I ought to have. What do you mean?

And Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. It's ok. Take your time. Then what happened? He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!

(GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

(PHONE RINGING) Penguin Publishing. One moment, please. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line... Out. Get out! Get out now!

He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"

You know, I just bet there is. Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual! They're in place! God, it gets me hot when Joe lies to strangers. When I get him home, I swear to God I'm gonna grease up-- That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris. Here we go, Dad!

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Now, now, actually if I can clarify this,

Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on!

Yes, I would like-- I would like it, please, yes. You want this, huh? You want the ball? Yes, I would like to have it very much. You want it, huh? You want the ball? - I would enjoy having it, yes. Give it to me. - Go, get it. I-- I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it. Go, get the ball.

(GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing? Getting scraped to death by my zipper. You bastard!

Where's the thing? Where's the catheter thing? No, it's mine, it's private. What happens if I blow in this end? Don't, I'll 'splode. I'm gonna. (AIR WHISTLES) You do it better than Bonnie. It takes a man to know what a man likes.

Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

I'm here for you. Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?

Welcome to the wonderful world of magic. Hope I don't get AIDS. (LAUGHING) Oh, God, that is so my humor.

RED: The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him. He was a fat drink of water, the kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen.

(SHOUTING) So say good morning

Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it.

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.

"Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family.

Daddy loves you! I mean in a platonic way. I'm married. Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca. Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella. That's my kid.

A little. But thanks to him, me and Chris have never been closer.

All right. Make like Siamese twins and split, and then one of you die. When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice. Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"!

Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B...

MAN: Had a lot of help down here, Neil. NEIL: We have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God. MAN: Yeah, if you could just grab some rocks, Neil, throw them in a bag, we'll get you home safe and sound. You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb.

Thanks, David. Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight. (LAUGHS) Come on. Come on, now. Okay, we'll leave you alone.

You bastards! I'll get my question answered one way or another.

And where's that awesome finger painting Stewie did this morning? Oh! Here it is. Thank you for bringing it up. I wasn't going to bring it up.

(LAUGHS) Glug, glug, glug, glug! Can you imagine? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) I'm sorry. My hormones are just crazy right now!

I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared. Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape... while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most. Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable! Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich?

I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog. Hey, listen, sister, I just... (FARTING) I'm sorry. Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking.

Chris, honey, there's something I want to talk to you about. Why, sure, Mom. Come on in. Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey? Yeah? Well, honey, I saw her making out with another boy. Was she kissing with her mouth, or her pants-mouth? Because she does both.

Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn.

You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you.

What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

Two hundred auditions and nothing. We still got one guy waiting. You lined up 201 auditions? What a weird number. You're weird. Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to.

(EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

That's the problem with this world. Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spinoff. See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that,

You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse.

Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS. We were at the beach

MAN: The frame is crashing to the ground, not quite to the mooring mast! Oh, the humanity! And all the passengers screaming around here! And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said, "Oh, the humanity" before,

They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

I never do computer dating. Yeah. Me, neither. So, you're 27? Well, that picture was, you know, it was posted a couple of years ago. So, you're a golden retriever? Well, it's a retriever mix Esapeake Bay Bradoodle. Well, where is that waitress?

You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole. Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right? Okay, for real now.

You can't leave! ahh!

Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you. She's a Killer Queen Gunpowder, gelatine

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week.

Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture."

(FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that? PETER: Then, over millions of years, evolution took its course.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd-- Well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? That one wasn't very good.

I have been selected. For what? Oh, nothing too important. Just jury duty! They have summoned me. I am part of an elite group of individuals deemed intelligent enough to decide the fate of a fellow citizen. (LAUGHING) Ah, the amused laughter of the envious.

Jock! Start the engine! Get the plane up!

Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha! Hmm. Ugh!

Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low

Heh. Here they are.

in Soviet Russia, road forks you!

You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata. Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing.

I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone. Really? Oh, my God, is that... Are you holding up the whole Hollywood sign? (CHUCKLES) No, no, no, no. The sign was way in the background. I was standing in the foreground going like this when Jillian took the picture, so by forced perspective, it looks like I'm holding up the whole sign. I don't believe you. I think you are a god.

just to stay asleep last night. Yeah, but listen, Quagmire. Quahog has some extremely draconian laws governing divorce that all heavily favor the woman. What? What do you mean? Well, to be honest, if you divorce her, she'll probably get everything you have. What? No, that's impossible! I can't lose all my money and my house!

(SIGHS) Despite everything that's happened,

It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) No one should have to suffer the way I suffered!

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything? No, it's too dark. (GRUNTS) Tom? Tom!

What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

My black son, my black son Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole!

You're a monster. Hey, Chris was in on the whole thing. Anyway, it's over and done with.

Y2K! I heard it from a chicken-man.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together.

You got to buy that cream that comes with a little comb. Of course I can still use the comb. Well, that's Quagmire. And you know what else? Madame Claude is psychic. She can tell you what you were in a past life. I already know what I was. A strawberry. (SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry.

"fart both knew that, "with love fart truth fart courage, "they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet." (GROANS) That one didn't work. Well, let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks...

Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this?

(ALL LAUGHING) (LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Stop it! And another reminder. When you arrive to mass, please do not park behind the rectory. As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land." (ALL LAUGHING) (LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY) LOIS: Look out, Gallagher! PETER: Stop kissing ass.

if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. This is hot! Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you.

Hey, w-Wait a minute. Wait. We were next! Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey! You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get the video camera out and make our own show. I don't wanna! Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal!

I'm a smart guy. Peter, no, you're not. Don't you feel ridiculous now? All right, Chris, if we're gonna pay the entry fee for that eating contest, we got to sell some of my old stuff. What are these, Dad? Oh, wow! I haven't seen those in a while. Those are my old Playboys from the '70s.

That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you love me.

Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?

Mr. Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt! Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil? Check! A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or zero? Check! Your mom's hairbrush? Check! You win! Oh, Boy! What's my prize? A pencil and a speed sign!

(DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands. Have you seen this child? No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open. MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

(LAUGHS) I want a Lexus all in pink And a dad who doesn't drink Oh, and that reminds me Twelve kegs of beer! All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is All I really want this year!

You could be a desk. Forget it! I'm washed up. in local news, quahog will soon play proud host to the Special People's Games. If you and or a friend are disabled and would like to challenge yourself and raise your self-esteem, sign up today! Joe, that's it! You got to compete in the Special People's Games. Gosh! I don't know, Peter. Do you really think I can?

Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. This is hot! Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around...

Peter? Chris? Oh, Thank God. Are you ok?

Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.

Aw. Good luck to them. Peter! Oh, right, right. Let's go. (CARS HONKING) We're never going to get up there. I wonder what's causing all this traffic. Oh, boy. Yep, there's the problem. Not drawn yet.

but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!

"You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" (CROWD LAUGHING)

I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!

All right. Hey, I need more cheese puffs, manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? $100,000. Pretty good, huh? Jeez! He's been in L.A. how long?

So, you can just rot out here, Brian. Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole? James Woods did it. Hey, where'd you get the clothes? I always keep a spare at Quagmire's. I got to tell you, though, there was some weird stuff going on over there today.

It gets better after the first... (SNIFFING) What smells like head?

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage. And could you get one for the ghost? Boo, eh?

Oh, Adam. Yes, yes! Adam, I will!

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so.

You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? (WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break! ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Laugh and cry He's a family guy

getting into incidents with other motorists. Honk, honk. "Stay out the way, you old bat!" Asian. Not all Asians are bad drivers. No, no, not all terrorists are Arab. But, you know, they are, so... Um... Well, I'm Peter, and that's Joe, and that's Quagmire. Name's Billy, Billy Finn.

So, I invited you all here to make amends. And why the hell should we trust you? Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years. I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance?

For the last time, Brian, there's no link to it anywhere online. No, no, that... That's not... That's not what I'm here for. Look, Lois, you did what you did, and there's nothing you can change about that. But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you let them. If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself.

A lock of the Queen's hair shall soon be mine. Here she comes. Have at it, then. Crikey! This is a haircut fit for a queen! Oh, bloody hell! All right, time for Plan B. Let's go!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian. I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right? Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? (DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice?

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Oh, you're alive. I guess you are gonna need that college fund. Chris, do Daddy a favor. In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel. Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him.

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

(WHISPERING) Maybe if she spent some time on the treadmill, and I was drunk. (BOTH LAUGHING) I wouldn't, either. I don't think any of this stuff is right for me, Dad.

I just can't believe our society actually values the life of a dog less than that of a human. It's infuriating. That is infuriating.

You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

Yeah, it's me. I got caught eating out of Jabba's trash. Well, I guess the good news is we're not being pushed into a giant anus in the desert. - What's wrong with your eyes? - I'm blind. It's part of the hibernation sickness. That and these lesions, and the fatigue that I've been feeling, and the persistent cough. (COUGHING) You might, uh... You might have two things.

And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope, all I can think is, "You are completely screwed." As Martin Luther King once said, "Ouch, I've been shot." Thank you.

Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Oh, My God!

STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there?

See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine.

You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk! You guys! We got a letter from Brian! Tell--Tell him I'm not here. Let me see. Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. There. All better? You know, You are some piece of work, lady. If you... Well, Actually, yes, it is.

Oh, my God! You can talk! Never mind. Well, d-does this girl love you back? Oh, I can't imagine. You gotta find out for sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh,

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.

Ow! Bitch! Okay, let's get the presents under the tree. All right, you have 'em? I thought you had them. For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh! Crap. On the roof? (CREAKING)

Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is?

It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it?

Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much.

You gave me strength

Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

Look, this isn't Windex but it's just as good. It's the store brand. No. No. It leave a film. I'm okay with the film. Just use it. No. No. I no can clean. Shit.

like trying to fix your own plumbing or in Viting two dates to the same dance. And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter. Sorry. I just farted.

(SIGHING) Maybe you're right. Everyone, I have something very important to tell you. Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? What? (LAUGHING) You always fall for that.

So, Brian, I see you're enjoying that cup of joe. I thought you'd like it. What, you made the coffee? Created it, yeah. Oh, for God's sake... Stewie's... For Stewie's sake. Well, I'm off to the farmers' market. I've gotta pick up some plutonium for a new return pad. In case I decide to make another universe later. Plutonium at the farmers' market?

I got to take that. All right, so as you know, by this point in the story, Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food. - Well, guess what's for dinner! - No way. Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case.

Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd take them on a dream vacation to Hawaii right now. Say aloha, kids. What are you talking about? We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories.

Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we? Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple. Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)

I never thought I'd see you again. These are my children. Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick? Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience. Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy.

STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain.

Well, I just got off the phone with Hope,

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple.

Hold it, Meg. Those 2 are mine. What? That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo! hold onto your sides. Nice to meet you both.

Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy. (DOORBELL RINGING) Can I help you? Ah, yes, my name's Brian. Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back.

Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh, Sean Hayes... Oh, You get the picture. - Please? - No! Ok. you know, Maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like--

(ALL SCREAMING) Vegan places aren't real, right? No, they're not real. Or are they? Ahhh! Salad! (BOYS SCREAMING) Thank you for sharing, Leonard.

Peter, I think you may have had one too many. Maybe it's time to ease off, huh? What are you talking about, Lois? Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition. (SLURRING) I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom, Tom and other Tom in our village!

But I thought you made a lot of money here. I used to, but it's all gone downhill since Muriel died. She could get away with overcharging people,

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Screw off. "M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

I'm glad you're interested in joining the National Gun Association, Peter. Let me show you around. This is our shooting range.

Well, you just think you're so superior, don't you? Like that first creature to walk on dry land. Hey, where'd you go? I went for a jog. What's a jog? It's a great way to stay in shape, is what it is. Is it like a swim? (LAUGHS) No, no, it's nothing like a swim.

Yeah? Watch this. Okay, Quagmire's turn. Truth or dare? I pick dare. No, no. Truth. Truth. Okay, truth. Do you have AIDS?

Oh, sure, Brian. He's in the playroom with Gavin. Gavin. That's a stupid name. And nobody likes you at school. I tried to stick up for you but I can't, because everybody hates you. You're gonna be ugly when you grow up. And everything in your house is cheap. And it smells in here. Hey, Brian. Bye!

WhAt? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh, uh, I mean, What? Has Dad found a permanent job yet?

(SCREAMS) I did not want to have to do that. They were very nice to me up until then. Peter, stop staring out the window. Ryan's gone. He finished his movie, he's moved out.

I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Here are tonight's top stories.

Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back.

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

You bet your funny accent there's a problem. I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds. I am president of Petoria. I want a better seat! Oh, Of course. How could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front. Well, That's more like it! And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space?

(LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there. You're disgusting. And you're misleading.

Back up in your ass with the resurrection Is the group harder than an erection That shows more affection They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto

She has failed once again to replenish this frigid box with potations. I shall give her a piece of my mind, at once! Ugh! Damn it!

Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some. Oh, thank you, Brian. That'd be nice.

You're right. I'll change from now on. Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot. Peter? Peter?

He's in. Hey. What are you doing here, dork?

Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!

(WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now." (WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that? It's an expression. Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair. Listen, you had your chance. I e-mailed it to both of you. You wrote back, "Looks fine"

Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes!

Welcome back to K.I.S.S. Forum, Rhode island Public Access' most popular show about K.I.S.S. Lois, hurry! It's back on! Calm down, Peter. You know I wouldn't miss a second of this. Ok, let's take a call.

Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold. There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert. Meg, get in the car, we're going home. I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore. Meg, I'm only going to say this once.

Who gets to stay, and who takes the bus ride home... it's up to Brooke. Trevor. That's what Trevor's talking about. Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine? - Sure. - Hi, Jesus! No way! Hello. I know. I saw.

All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long-- There's a dog turd in here. Oh--oh, Lois. What? Jump!

Hi, Stewie. Hi, um, Ah... Ugh. Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh!

He's dead. Oh, my God! Nice.

Stranger things have happened in medicine. I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab. Okay, Doc, we got to have a talk at some point, but Brian, are... Are you... Are you sure about this? Well, there's no harm in seeing if I'm compatible.

You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place.

Prepare to be boarded. You'll never take my cargo. (HORN HONKING)

(ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...triple-dog-dare. (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

Oh, don't you go, 'cause I'll go. You know, Peter, I just want to thank you for all you've done for me. You are one hell of an agent. Well, with you as a client, it's easy. (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? She calls herself an assistant, but yes. What is it, Sandra? There's a man here to see you.

Oh, my God! You're the guy on the card! (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Give me a call.

She said a swear!

Nature's "D" student? Oh!

A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes. Not costume, real. Maybe you should write that down? Honey, Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy. I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her.

Brian! Come on in! Betty! Look who it is! Is that Brian? Oh! And you brought a little friend. Well, I bet you're a hungry little fella. Yes, and I'll bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull! Now change me! Look, I've--i--i been thinking a lot about my mother lately, and--

Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help! Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger. Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now.

Wait till you try it after a meal. Delicious! And after sex? Forget about it.

And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. Uh, give me the one free week of maid service. And, uh, I'll take the hat rack. Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing. Okay, well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak. (BOTH GUFFAWING) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, pie. I know what you want.

(GASPS) There's Connie D'Amico. Chris, don't walk next to me. Hi, Connie. Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day about how much you liked High School Musical 2 so I burned you the soundtrack.

Yeah. Who are you? My name is Zac Sawyer. I just transferred here from Rich Expensive Car-Driving Sex-Having High School. Whoa! That sounds awesome. No, it's lame. Everything's lame. Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in. I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.

(CAR ALARM WAILING) Son of a bitch!

(EXCLAIMS) (ALL LAUGHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Prepare to be boarded. You'll never take my cargo.

Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point? Okay, religion. Religion! You kill me, I kill you, we both go to Heaven! Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil."

Him. Yeah. He's a real lightweight. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. Show me the way to go home Everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed Just the women!

Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink.

And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits? We sure do. oh! All right, class. That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oink has set the curve again. Oh, dang! That is some smart pig. Good thing I copied off of Oinky.

Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm!

But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Dad, are you gay? What? Are you gay, Dad? No, Glenn, I'm not gay. Just tell me the truth! I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. All right, come on now! That's not helping! Son, you have my word, I am not gay.

All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

I should have figured you were up to something. Look, Luke, this is all my fault. I was just trying to help my daughter get onto the school newspaper. Come on, You know what it's like to be a teenagER. You've been playing one for 30 yearS. Won't you drop the lawsuit, please, Dylan?

COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week.

but you got a lot of talent, young man. Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast. Oh, wonderful! Wonderful! Yeah, I'd forgotten how great it is interacting with other people.

(GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING)

PETER: Damn it. MORT: What happened? PETER: I dropped my phone in the toilet.

(CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

Shh! Just straightening out his pants a little. CHRIS: Oh, yeah, that's good. Don't give up if it rolls away. You scratch it. Scratch it. Yeah, thank you. Hello, I'm Helen Dougan.

Mmm... That feels good. Um, you're going a little low there, Lois. (CHUCKLING) Okay. I'm sorry. (SAWING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity! (SAWING CONTINUES) Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby. Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?

So I'll let these guys do it. You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS

Hey, where's the captain? I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning.

What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el. That's a great costume, Joe. Are you FDR? No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz.

Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this. I want to help you, Peter, I really do, but it's like you're asking a fish not to swim. She's legal and I'm going in. Well, we'll see about that. I ain't afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus. I'm Spartacus. I'm Spartacus. That guy's Spartacus.

Hi, honey. What? What'd you say? I just said hi. Is that... Is that Bonnie's dress? Oh, yeah. Susie spit up on me, and I didn't want to go all the way home, so I just threw this on. I hope that's okay. Yeah, it's fine, I guess.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it.

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

(GASPING) It talks! If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything. No, Dad! Don't do it! He's evil! Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding. Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself. (SHOUTING) No!

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

Oh, my God. Look at thIS. How could you bring a mobster into your own home?

Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal! Holy crap! Chris, that was amazing. I mean, i--I just froze up. But you handled that bear like a real man. I'm proud of you, son. You are? 'cause I heard what you said about my huge, you know. Oh.

Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan! Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life. Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'.

ALL: Bah Crazy for you

Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't mean to start anything. Let's just forget it, okay? We're having a good time. I don't want to forget it. How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole.

I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week. Thanks, honey. But honestly I dunno how you stand bein' in the house all day. I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch T.V. anymore.

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast!

Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie? STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change.

No, Peter. I'm just pretty much letting this run its course.

MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking.

(YAWNS) Dad, what are you doing? Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40. (MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

Peter, That's not funny. Those fanatics are building a golden idol of you on our lawn.

Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian. How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!

Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future.

All right, if we're gonna break out of here,

Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him! Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail,

Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad? Well, Dad, I was trying to find my own religion, but it didn't work out. I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh-oh. You want to get some breakfast or something?

Hey, Lois, would you make an appointment for me to be neutered in two days? Are you sure, Brian? Yes, I'm sure. And whatever I say in two days, do not let me convince you that I've changed my mind.

(CHOKING) Don't push.

Patrick. Where have you been? Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house.

Well, he's a Nazi, Chris. If I had to guess, he's going to make us into a lamp shade or a wallet or a bar of soap. I guess that means I'll be Irish Spring. Irish Spring will get you fresh and (WHISTLES) clean as a whistle. See? (SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer?

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon,

Hey, everybody, it's Weenie and the Butt here live at the Quahog air show. We're all ready for the Weenie sound-alike contest. I don't know, Butt. I don't think they can say my catchphrase, because "They no funny." (HORN BLOWING) There it is. And if you think you can say that just like Weenie here,

(SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have,

- Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here?

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH.

Get your fat ass back here.

Thanks, George. You want to say that one more time without the sarcasm?

Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment.

Uh, uh, You mean like ha-ha, Jerry Seinfeld funny or Elayne Boosler, "God Bless her, she's trying" funny? Racers, on your mark! Go get 'em, JoE! Get set!

Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

and we're gonna rock this place until... (STAMMERS) Until about 9:30, 'cause that's when the dance is over. (ALL CHEERING) Evil monkey holds the key Evil monkey's gonna get me I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth

(KNOCK AT DOOR) (GASPS) Intruders! Stewie, you in there? You think he's here?

Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend,

Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?

Lois, that dog with the different colored eyes is back. Eww. And gross! It looks like he's got a boner. LOIS: Peter, just leave him alone. No, this is what Bob Barker's been talking about all these years. Go on! Get! Get out of here, weird boner dog!

Really? What's his name?

Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No. Yeah, well, you know, take that. Which actually brings me to my next point: uh, Your wife's cheating on you. What? Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going,

What's that big back part?

Here, girl. Ah! Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies.

(LAUGHING) Chris, I don't think we should be leaving the trail.

My life. That's what's wrong. I was totally humiliated at school today. Ok, we're gonna do a little informal survey here, kids. Would those of you going away for spring break please move to the left of the room?

All in favor of fining this evil tobacco giant $100 million, say "AyE"! Aye! But that'll bankrupt us! Oh, You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America? Thanks for that zinger, boys. Now, Give me a snappy line to go out on. Actually, our lunch is here.

But the Gumbel show is sacred to us. Bryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have someday. Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers. Oh, Nice. Just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?

Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian. All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century. People are tolerant.

you bastards. We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois. Uh, I can't. I have cramps.

were to fall ill or even die, the stock price would plummet. I don't want you to think I'm not listening, but when's Christmas? Not for a while. But what I'm saying is, I think Carter is sick or possibly even dead, and that the man we saw today was an imposter brought in to keep Pewterschmidt Industries' stock price up and to keep people from knowing the truth.

You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under control before the police caught onto you. Hold it right there, Lois, you are under arrest. Oh, crap. A-All right, look, just--just take it easy, Joe. All right, Lois will go peacefully. Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed. Let me just get my purse. (Lois) Sucker!

Well, here we are. That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice?

And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine. What are all these?

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win.

(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

Well, I guess the world'll show me a little more respect now. Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me. Oh, Yeah? Him and what army? The U.S. Army.

No. You know what? This is my own fault for listening to you. I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground. Is that my ass? Lois, where the hell you going? I'm going back home to Quahog, where I belong. If any of you want to come with me, you're welcome to.

Any questions? Yeah. Is there someone from the military we can talk to? A man, perhaps? Sir, Rebel ships are coming into our sector.

I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode!

Oh, hi, Lois. How you doing? I just thought I'd make sure you were okay. Oh, I'm managing. It's just so hard to believe you can work with someone for 15 years and yet have no idea who they really are or what they're capable of. Oh, I know. And I'm sorry. So, what happens now?

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

These all look good, every one of 'em. Hey, You want some bread? No!

Listen, I got to tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, 1,000 times. You saw Cops and Robbersons? And My Stepmother is an Alien? Almost all of them. Boy, I sure would love it if you guys would come to our house for dinner tonight. My wife's cooking sucks, but I just want to look at you. - You like meatloaf? - Yeah. Sure. All right, see you at 8:00.

Blast! Jeez. We're screwed! Look, I promise if we get out of this alive I'm gonna help out around the house and say "I love you" every day. You mean it? I'm a changed man, Lois. A better man. And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game I never would've learned this valuable lesson.

Legal in Quahog. And it's made everything just so great. Okay, you... You can read the next one. (LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you. Okay, okay, okay. - Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast.

There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

Thank God! We can still be in the talent show! From the top, boys. 5, 6, 7, 8.

Would-- Would you mind listening to my monologue?

Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18. Aw, Susie's so cute! I can't wait to have a baby someday.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings

$4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah.

(LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No.

Now, listen to me, Jolene. I've got an army to raise, and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles.

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi!

And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard. Peter, take that thing off and come home. Hey, Lois. You're just in time for the exciting conclusion. Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Let's watch. There they are.

Listen, I got to get going. Oh, God! I'm sorry! You know what's good for getting wine out? Sex with another man. Whoa, whoa, whoa. LooK. If you're gay, that's cool. But I'm not. And even if I was, come on, I'm Luke Perry. I can get a much better gay guy than you! Oh, my God! Luke Perry! See, Meg?

I'll take that as a yes. You owe Dr. Hoo an apology. Hey, can we change the channel?

I really like the finish on this Shiraz...

Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time.

Well, the money's the important thing. Now little Paul can get his-- Point Break! That was the movie! Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver, and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life. Don't you understand? I lost the perp!

Lois is the only woman for me. Well, then, it sounds like you've gotta find a way to win her back. Yeah, like--like we could get her drunk and take turns havin' sex with her. - How would that help me? - Oh, help you? Oh, oh, Yeah, yeah. Then, no. No, then, that--that wouldn't help you. Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy.

Uh, Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? Oh My God. Excuse me. Hey, no problem, meg. You probably bought me another 3 minutes! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day. First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain.

(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES)

Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka. Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine. Are you sure, honey? For God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without T.V.? Give me a break.

(MOCK CRYING) I'm sad about stuff! (MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Well, I'm not Yoda. Okay, I'm Yoda. You're Yoda? You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force. But if you want to become a Jedi, first I gotta ask you something.

so, Peter, Did you find a replacement for the team?

Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it! Chris, Why don't you want to take your shirt off? Oh, Because I'm fat. Oh, Honey, no one thinks you're fat. I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board. This is my son!

These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient? Spugizakom. Ew! (EXCLAIMING) What? You thought... No, no, no. Spugizakom.

The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.

Ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation. Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that? I've never seen anything like that before, a croissant with almonds on it. And could you bring me a beer? Oh! I feel so elegant. What are you going to have? You know what I'd really like? A piece of that.

Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing.

Shoot it again. What? I didn't understand that. I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like.

Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison!

Oh, by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my teacher gave you something to sign to get him kicked out. Hey, Chris! There's my big, smart son. My special guy, my Chrissy. Sounds like someone got her vibrator working again.

All right, let's do it. Both of you are under arrest for prostitution. It's not prostitution. You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno.

That's a great idea! Let's do it! Let's shave the cat!

My God, this is absolutely beautiful.

Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck!

Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy.

- Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that? Let's get that out of there. Ew. Oh, I'm so thirsty. Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water.

No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Peter, what is that? Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. "I wish I could escape to a place "where this movie couldn't find me," and then... What the hell are we waiting for?

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing.

You've got The AIDS That guy's gonna feel so much better after we do what we got planned.

or that you'll see my scrotum, and see that it has a seam on it, and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened, and...

Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas. (STATIC ON RADIO)

I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot!

she had a cigarette in her hand.

Meg, honey, do you want some breakfast? I don't have time. I have to get over to the Swansons'. You sure? Aren't you hungry? Thanks, Mom. But I want to be there when he first gets up. - He's so cute. - What? I... Um... I mean, she's so cute. Susie. She's all right.

What the hell? Which one is it? Stop or go forward? This is a big deal. They're not at all similar. Ah, no, no, no, no. You, sir, have lost my business.

(GASPING) What the hell is your problem? Me? What did I do?

Look, I'm sorry about this. Let me just pay the fine or whatever and I'll make sure this doesn't happen again. You can pick him up tomorrow. Oh, okay. Just bring a trash bag. What did he mean by that? Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that. No. He doesn't. He's from another universe where dogs are subservient to humans. Oh, you mean like that time we... Yeah.

Once again, Ashlee Simpson. (BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) (CROWD CHEERING) MAN'S VOICE: Old Man River

There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.

At the top of the news,

Is Elizabeth Perkins hot? (STUTTERS) I... I don't know. Way to go, Joe! Did you bang her? What? Of course not, Quagmire! I mean, I'm a married man. I could never cheat on Bonnie. Well, under normal circumstances, you'd be right to say that, but in this case, cheating would be the only fair thing. What? What are you talking about?

No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

That's not bad. Better than mine.

No, I get it. He's resting his head on pancakes. It looks hilarious. The joke, of course, being that one wouldn't generally do that, were there a pillow available. Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams.

Come on, Stewie. He's just a little turtle. He can't hurt you. You're safe here in your crib, surrounded by all the things you love.

These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty,

The board of directors is fully prepared to run the company in Carter's absence, if that's what you'd prefer, Mrs. Griffin. Well, yes, I think that'd be best. Well, now, wait a second, Lois. I could run the company. You? You can't run a business that size. You have no experience. You know what that is, Lois? That's you playing by the rule book.

I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then. Oh, no. Brian. That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller. Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? Oh, yeah. He, uh, He left a message. I forgot to tell you. Is it on the machine? I erased it.

Peter, for God's sake,

Ah! Useless, every one of you! Fine. I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you! There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?

So, as you can see, Petoria has invaded U.S. soil. What are our options?

- Just these old shorts. - Sweet Jesus.

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

That's not very nice, Brian.

And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?

You know, living in that family, we both have pretty crappy lives. And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other. We're all we have. I know. I'll never do anything like that again. Do you think you can ever forgive me? Yeah, I forgive you. (STARTING CAR ENGINE)

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

(ALARMED) Stay out of it. Stay out of it.

Guys, we're under attack. By who? I don't know. Cobra! Oh, it's Cobra.

Voice test. "I'm Chris." I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat. If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny.

MAN 1: Okay, back up. - Further. Move back some more. - MAN 2: What? Back up some more. I'm as far away as I can get. Okay, have her enter. Action! Damn it. Cut! Congratulations, men. You've all passed basic training.

Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns? Just tell me, Doctor. Is there anything you can do to remove this gene?

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

(SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you!

And That was Merle Haggard, with I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist. Coming up next-- All right, Here's one. Let's jump that. Ooh! Yee... Haw! Oh, that was great!

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.

Ricky! Ricky! One minute to curtain, Jewel. Jewel! Jewel!

Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Too late! There they are! Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands. I know.

Angus was born with cerebral palsy. And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon. All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed. Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you. What a weird little guy. Thanks, Joyce. How old do they usually live to be, by the way? Well, you never see a gray-haired one.

Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die! God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports.

Oh, you can't tell me It's not worth trying for I can't help it

and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready? (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God! (LAUGHING) These guys are hilarious. They do so much funny stuff. Hey, you know what? We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home.

We only live to kiss your ass Kiss it? Hell, We'll even wipe it for you.

(BOTH CHUCKLING) That's the writer in you, Brian. Did you always know that's what you wanted to do? Well, actually, I really thought I was gonna be an actor at one point. I even got a few high-profile gigs. Really? Anything I've seen? Oh, you ever heard of a tiny little independent movie called Die Hard? Wow! You were in that? Sure was.

Sure. No problem, Joe. Thanks for stopping by. (ALL CHEERING) So what do you say, guys?

Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque. Ugly phoque and bitch. Good job, Chris. I think you're ready.

Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one. W-w-Wait. What was that? Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome.

Who's got a guy who makes her smile all day? By the way, I'm not so bad to look at either. Who's got a guy with lots of brains? You do! Who's got a girl who loves chow mein? You do! Who's got the greatest love in the world? You do! And you do

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise. As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel. Hey, hey, look, Stewie, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement. (IN CHILDISH VOICE) "Hey, hey, Stewie, "I'm gonna go play down in the basement.

Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss!

Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair.

and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.

How you girls doing on popcorn? I'll take some. Here you go.

What the hell is that? Oh, dyin' boy of quahog Chris Griffin, you're so brave There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step as they dig your grave as they dig your grave

And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its." A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from? Mary... (LAUGHING) That is still funny. Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal. I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake."

You're not brave enough to take all your clothes off! Way ahead of you.

Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered... in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TVaudience? My poor baby. My God, Lois, you were right. Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now.

- Oh, you're so lying. - I so am. Oh, honey, how was your day? Did you catch any fish? No, but I caught this turtle. Named him Terence. Then killed him, and hollowed him out into an ashtray for Stewie. Peter, we have a family to feed. We all count on you to provide for us. I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show.

(SCREAMS) What is it? Phew! It's okay. It's just the stuffed bear from the great outdoors. Did you see The Great Outdoors? No. You suck.

Ready. Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous.

And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me? Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!

It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE) - We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic. You know what the worst part is?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Yell, yell, yell. Yell, yell, yell. What the... What the hell is this place? Welcome to DUMP, Deep Underground Military Protection Facility.

(MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing. Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that. I just think, you know, I just think, "Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do.

(SOBBING) Oh, God! He'll be fine. We shouldn't let this ruin our night. Let's just enjoy the strippers. I guess. I just hate the way that one gets so into her work. You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.

But, no, Lois, that title wrote a check that those queers on stage refused to cash. Peter, we're going. Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will. Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No!

Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

Good-bye, kids. Good-bye, Pearl.

Vet? I hate the vet! (BARKING) There's a dog in here!

I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!

Oh, thank God, I'm saved!

Well, Meg has the mumps all right. How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal? I never got a mumps shot. Really? Well, I'd caution you that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications.

- Oh, Quagmire! - Shh! Quagmire! Silence! C'est Quagmire. (CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap.

Mind control? But I feel so lucid. Yes, you look spot on to me. Why, Thank you. I try to work out. But who has the time, besides trophy wives? Oh, yes, that's rich.

Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong!

Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um, uh, skills. And... And? You know, I got to be honest with you.

Oh, You truly are beautiful. You know that? Oh, Janet, our future is so bright. Cookie? Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing and Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and... What are you doing?

My first prediction, I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic. Hey! You've ruined our picnic! Psychic.

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual.

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Oh, yeah. Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak. And that should do it. Now let's go home. Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it!

Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say... - you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy! Lois, what the hell's up with you lately?

Come on, Stewie. Let's go home. Hmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state right now, Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy. Well, Jesse, I guess we got to find some other way to spend our evenings.

Well, I'm all done shoveling your walk, Mr. Herbert. Thanks, Chris, but there's some in here, too.

Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh... Well, I lost my train of thought. But this is really exciting.

Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom. WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

Wow, thanks. You think you could help out my friend Meg here? Yeah, I think I could give her a hand. (LAUGHING) Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out.

Well, just so you know, this is a really big deal! They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante! (ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh? I think I can get on board with that. (BOTH LAUGHING) (KICKING) Road House. Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah!

not hiding it in a pillow or holding it in till your stomach goes...

And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one! Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in.

With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

Lois, put the coffee on. Careful. I just cleaned the floor. Good thing. Mmm, Lemony.

He made me sort the camp recyclables. But some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky!

What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds. Um... I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it? Oh, aren't you adorable! Are you in a fraternity, little boy? Not yet. But I'm thinking about joining I FELTA THI.

Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything. Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home. Meg, you made a friend. What a lovely house, Mrs. G. Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart. Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice. You know what's nice? Having a friend like Meg. And kittens.

Oh, no way! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

What's going on? Mom's acting and dressing like a 20-year-old. I know, and I'm worried about her. You can't just pretend to be something you're not. Yes, just ask Edward Scissorhands.

Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book.

Why the hell did we get off here? My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her. Oh, well, So she's in Austin, mmm? 8 miles that way? Yes. All right. So instead of driving down this sun-parched highway,

This is not a resort. You will be worked harder than you have ever been worked in your miserable, pathetic lives. And play harder, right? I bet. Step forward, maggot! (GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you. Well, why wasn't it him this time? Oh, I'm so scared.

(MISTING) (CATS YOWLING) Oh, oh, oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, oh, no. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ew! Ew! Ew! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. You're cute. You're cute. I don't want to pet you, though.

Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

Don't let me catch you, 'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later. (LAUGHING)

Okay, I guess small boobs are good for swimming.

Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8. Thank you. That was beautiful.

Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here. STEWIE: Did you see that, Rupert? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

One day they're promising you the world, the next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during conjugal visits. Luke doesn't do drugs! Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again! I can't find the sweater. How the hell did you even meet him? We had a pen-pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Excuse me, sir. I haven't even-- Oh! Oh, That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there. Peter!

Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick!

(SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING)

I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget. Anything else I should know about?

(ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in.

Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh. That's not fair. I don't think I have a negative attitude, I just... I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey...

Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard!

Hey, look at me, Chris! I'm Yanni, sans the attitude. My God, that's amazing! You are so talented. Huh? Wait a second! Something's not right here.

How's the garage sale going, Quagmire? Pretty good. Just clearing some of my stuff out of the basement. It's amazing what you find when you clean your basement. Peter, you almost done down there? (CACKLING) Look what I found. That's wonderful, Peter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go do some skywriting.

PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again. He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check.

Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together.

"Hotel maid wanted."

Good Lord! I am a genius. What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work. It created an evil clone of me. That's why I didn't feel more evil. All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick?

Jeez, Brian, buckle up.

Brian, what the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just some Pilates. Don't lie to me, Brian. I know what this is. You're looking for an ass-race. First one to the kitchen wins. Go! - Still got the worms, eh? - Yeah, that stupid medicine's $300. Well, let me make you a proposal.

You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. Wow, you're a different color than me.

Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you."

Oh. Do I? Hmm. I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist. Heh. Nice little body on her, huh? That's my daughter. Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

(ALARM RINGING) A-ha! Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay. Look, Stewie, this is ridiculous. There's something I have to tell you.

(MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it?

Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.

Peter, living room? No, Lois. Kitchen.

Oh, my God, here comes Jared. Wow, he's in kindergarten. Hey, so you're the plug this year? Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug. Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row. Like, I don't know that! Everybody knows that, Jared! Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right?

(PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it?

you can kiss your life good-bye Yeah, when you use toad it'll mess you up It'll make your mama cry, that's no lie You'll choke on your tongue and die Gotta give it up Give up the toad now It's no joke, buddy

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today.

(GUNS COCKING) Wow, Joe, how'd you pull that off? I put in a call from the McDaniel's pay phone while you guys were getting that nine-piece chicken McFingers and those Diet Conks and those Fresh Fries. Oh, come on. They don't own "French fries!"

Of course most of them are about rape, but it's still nice. I think I made Brian crazy. Maybe I shouldn't have burned that petition. No, Chris, you did the right thing. It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill, and you'll get to touch these. Oh, boy, I got a feeling that before the end of the day,

(TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf.

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead. I forgot my purse.

Why haven't you sent for help?

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!

Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin - Till you don't even know your name Yeah!

I don't believe I know you. That's not it at all. I happen to think Loretta is very beautiful, with her sassy wisdom and speed-bag arm fat. Hmm. I guess at the very least, I could go talk to her tomorrow and see how I feel. Thanks for your help, Griffins.

we miss the most important part, which is sharing it. Uh-huh. You see, Chris, I care about you, and if there is ever anything you ever want to talk about or if you just want some company, I'm here for you. So, how's it hanging? Okay. Hey, what you got here? Oh, Maxim.

(CAR APPROACHING) Where you goin'? I think your pie might be about ready. Hey, we're gonna share that pie, buddy, 'cause, you know, there's no "I" in pie. Except for the "I". But enough about numbers. You go. So, we ready to do this? You guys.

He's absolutely right. Come to think of it, have you ever looked closely at the Lincoln Memorial? Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC. (SHUSHING) Lois, Lois, let's watch The Brady Bunch.

So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers? I don't use makeup, Meg. Of course you don't. You're all natural. Man, your dad must be proud! Actually, my dad passed away four years ago. Yeah, yeah, he did. He sure did.

Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about?

You stay out of this, lady!

I am president of Petoria. I want a better seat! Oh, Of course. How could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front. Well, That's more like it! And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space? They have those?

CARTER: Hello? Hello. Who's this? Who's this? Carter. Who's this? I don't know. Do you have my OxyContin? What? Are you the guy? I'm a guy. I want my drugs. What are drugs? I don't think this is the call I was expecting. (DIAL TONE)

Briggs. Damn it! He's getting away!

Some very angry, sexual things. Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere. Damn them. (STUTTERING) Well, that's the thing. I mean, there's only two phones in the... Well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago.

Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves. Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian. It operates according to the laws of physics,

(WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on?

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever. Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to... I'm done. Night, Lois.

Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year.

Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

"Duh, I'm a dumb cop. I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket." I was going, like, 41.

Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.

In fact, I got you a bunch of new, top-notch, American-made stuff. What else did you buy? Oh, a couple things, that light fixture, new heat regulator on your stove, your man-bra, your garbage disposal, your dishwasher, and your new cat.

I don't know, but this late, it's got to be bad news. Everyone knows you always get bad news in the middle of the night. Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What? - You have cancer! - What? Yeah. I thought you should know. Okay, go back to sleep. Wait, I have questions. (SIGHS) It's very late.

Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that? Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice? Ow! I misjudged you, fat man. Damn it. Peter, what's wrong with you? Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this. (SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her.

Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh? I never slept with Francois. What? But Peter said... Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter. I said she wanted to. Damn it, Peter!

Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? - Who's a good boy? - Me. Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy. But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later.

It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out. Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again!

I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM)

Consuela, I thought you finished cleaning hours ago. Yeah. What are you still doing here? I wait for rain to stop. It's time for you to go home. Is too much rain. I stay. But it's gonna rain all night. I sleep here. I don't know about that. I sleep here.

No problem. We got money to get that fixed, with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the KennedyS. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money! Boy, she's pretty pissed.

Yeah. Who are you?

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But you got to believe that it's there. Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. QUAGMIRE: That's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.

will keep him out of hell? Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. Oh, that's very Christian. - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you." - Now you're getting it. Peter, we have a problem. Hey, hang on, Lois. I'm watching a movie. ANNOUNCER: Andnaw back to Jaws V, Fire Island.

but instead, you did what you thought was right. I haven't thought about that family in years. I think about them all the time. And the example you set for me that day. It's the very reason I left Iraq. It sucks how early I have to work. (SIGHS) Well, Kevin, I still can't say that I agree with your choice.

Please welcome from the First Evangelical Church,

Well, I should probably get out of these robes. - Oh, look at you. You're all better. - That's right, Brian. And you are toast. I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

You just watch your mouth, mister! Look! (GASPING)

Thanks for the ride, Bandit. Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail. Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do. Where the hell are we? Oh, this is history right here, Brian. Gettysburg. Billy Yanks.

I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?

After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar?

So that was my chance to disappear. So I left. How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. Nice try, skank. Worth a shot. Well, where did you go after you left the war?

I don't even have business cards. None of us do.

I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right. I don't believe it! Finally I can do this! I set that thing up 15 years ago. Hey, where's the clown? We've got to do something about this. Pack your bag, Peter. We're going to Washington. Oh, there he is.

Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me. You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!

This was such a great idea for a weekend activity. Well, I thought it'd be good to get out of the house. I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard. Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.

Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian.

(ALL SCREAMING) I guess that store's having a fire sale. (LAUGHS) KEVIN: I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age.

Listen, Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right? so Here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock and coronae which seem to be collapsed domes over large magma chambers. Here's $5.

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe.

She's being kept alive by medical science.

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

I can't believe this. Two weeks in prison on trumped-up charges. That trial was a total sham. Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.

Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet, and when you touched Chris, you passed it on. - Kneel before Christ! - Ah! (CHUCKLING) Dad!

What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God!

I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up. You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there,

Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan,

Flannigan? Wait a minute. That's one of the corrupt cops who helped harbor Briggs while he was on the lam for 15 years. These guys are bad news. Oh, my God. What are they going to do to us? We're not going to stick around to find out. Joe, hold your handcuffs over my lap.

(GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad. Brian, do me a favor and check on Stewie, would you? He's fine. Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song?

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko. (LAUGHS) Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it.

What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster. Yeah, besides, they're still not going to let you on. You haven't actually lost any weight. Oh, I think my lithe figure would suggest otherwise.

(SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING)

- or you're finished. - Don't worry, I'll figure something out. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly. I got to take that. All right, so as you know, by this point in the story, Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food. - Well, guess what's for dinner! - No way.

I'm gonna pee! Listen, I just feel awful about this. Horace was a good bartender and a good guy. I wish there was something I could do. Well, we know you didn't mean it, Jerome. It's just a terrible situation. Like when you're the only one at the table where the waiter doesn't say, "Good order." I'll have the halibut. Ah, great choice.

Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.

Peter, what are you doing?

not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up. Ask me what I want to be when I grow up. And We also used to play buck-buck. Enough of your blather. Good evening, world. From this moment on, I will be your-- What you got there?

What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where.

Okay, what compound is this? That's sodium chloride. That's right. How about this one? Hydrogen peroxide. God, you're so smart. How about this one? "QM2"? I'm not sure what that is. It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome.

I was overwhelmed. You're the first person who ever complimented my Habanera. Thank you. Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going. I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow. But you're not scheduled tomorrow.

It's like Prague sans the whimsy. Will you be ok by yourself? Oh, I think I'll manage. All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. And, uh, neither will that guy.

Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter.

No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say? Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays.

What do you got there? A candy bar, huh? - Got any other contraband? - No. Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer. Oh, so your dad gets guys off. (LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. Where's your bag, fatty? You're welcome to search my beef case. But there's mutton in there. (LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

All right. Let's do it! PETER: It worked! (GRUNTS) Let me go! Let me go, you bastards! You're all gonna pay for this! Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards!

Aw, Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up!

Uh, yeah, 2 mutton joints, please. Oh! Thou wishes to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine. Listen, you freak. We don't all watch Frasier, ok? Now Give me 2 mutton joints.

Look, Death, you made a mistake. I'm not really supposed to be deaD. OH, I made a mistake, huh? Then What do you call thIS? Peter, is that your handwriting? How did you get that? IT was e-mailed to me by your H.M.O. Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names. I don't care what that says!

Could I have the top bunk? He already has a roommate. Me. We're a couple of crazy college kooks. For example, we're about to make a hilarious answering-machine message. Uh, you've reached Stewie and Brian. We're not here right now. Uh, and if this is Mom, uh, send money because we're college students and we need money for books and highlighters,

Ohh! Submitted for your approval. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge to bury shiny objects in the yard.

Hey, Peter. Hey, what's going on? Is something wrong? (STAMMERING) No, no. Everything's cool right now.

I'll never join the dark side. Never! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape.

I guess you could say I really like you. I would even dare to go a little further perhaps. I care a great deal about you. A very great deal. Maybe even deeper than that.

Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself? Well, Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student- master relationship. Oh, Then allow me. Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois!

Help me! It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Ha! All right, I'm gonna lower you in. I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age? Hurry up! The glue's wearing off! All right! All right!

Look, i--I want to make this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this. Unless I saw a script first.

What the... Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For example, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around, watching this emotional moment,

Mommy! Thank God you're home! Stewie, my baby! I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn.

Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!

Oh, my God, really?

Somebody's in the closet!

they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld! Hi, there, can I help you folks?

Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo. He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then that's the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend,

Hey, Peter, check out my new trampoline! Whee! YEah! Whoa mama! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

(STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SOBBING) We broke up.

I watched the sun rise in my jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket. Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool. You betcha, son. I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast, and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity. - Would you like that? - Would I? Wow, that's a way better present than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas.

All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you! Quagmire, check it out.

(SCREAMING) Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear. Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their A squad. I actually saw bullet wounds. You can't just take him places you want to go. He's a baby.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa!

So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me! Everyone's treating me like I'm a broad! I don't know what's going on! I recognize that hysterical tone of voice. Sounds like someone's having their monthly. All right, sweetie, let me just spit on my hand, and we'll get started. Ahh! Get away from me, you creep!

but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation. You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible!

Hey, there's something here from the Nielsen Company. "Dear Griffin family, "you have been specially selected "from amongst millions of American households "to be a Nielsen family. "And as such, to have your TV viewing habits monitored "in order to measure television ratings."

Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass

Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away. Yes. It spread through his body so fast. But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh!

(WIND BLOWING) What? Holy crap! - (ALL LAUGHING) - (GASPS) (SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend.

You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that.

And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man. Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS?

Oh, my God, I attacked Lois! What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist! I'm... I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan! (CELL PHONE RINGING) STEWIE: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right? Look, Stewie, I can't talk about this now, all right?

And the back of God's neck Looks like a pack of Hot dogs

Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper!

One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

Grandpa Griffin? Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears? Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows." My dad worked at that mill for 60 years.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape. Okay, well, I guess you can take my license. 'Course, it's all the way up here.

Yeah. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it. Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail!

Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy. The nurse says Brian won't be out of surgery for another three hours. 0h, I hope he's gonna be okay. Me, too. I know we're not here to place blame or beat ourselves up. but,

Hi, honey. What? What'd you say? I just said hi. Is that... Is that Bonnie's dress? Oh, yeah. Susie spit up on me, and I didn't want to go all the way home, so I just threw this on. I hope that's okay. Yeah, it's fine, I guess. Oh. Here's that juice box you asked for.

Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do. - Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie. Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just... (BEEPING) There we go. All done.

for a pre-determined period of time... based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So I have no choice but to set you free. Does that mean I get my kids back? Absolutely not. Case closed. Oh, crap! It was prison you were thinking of. Prison. I already banged the hammer.

Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)

Enough! Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live up to expectations. Well, Mayor West did say he never saw the letter.

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?

Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know. Hey, there's Quahog Harbor. Look at all those old naval vessels. Yeah, look at 'em all. Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

You may begin your exam now. MALE VOICE: A dog says.... A cow says....

Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS. Don't go in there! Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex.

Ugh! Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher. (CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

Daddy, please, stop this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period.

More like $1,100. You wish I loved you that much! We're never gonna get this float done in time for the parade. Pick up the pace, guys! Peter, your theme is a dud. Yeah. I've never even seen Who's the Boss? Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00,

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy!

Evil Stewie? Wherever you are, if you can hear me, I'm completely defenseless right now. Okay, there you are. Well, this is a gift, Brian. Thank you for making it so easy. Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor.

I mean, what about that four-year-old that was executed in Texas? There was a four-year-old executed in Texas? Not really, but you see, Brian, your concern betrays you. I know your type. It's not a coincidence you turned your back on your democratic principles just when the Democrats became the political establishment. All you want is something to fight against. I mean...

Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do. (CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been

Oh, sure you do. Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you a kangaroo T-shirt. And she wants me to come over to her house tonight to work on a special project. I know she's gonna make me have sex with her. What the hell am I gonna do? I don't know, Peter.

Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go.

Vote for Peter Griffin! Whoah, Look at all of Lois' signs! Talk about seeing red. Oh! Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy may have become a lost cause. The debate is tonight and you don't seem to have any supporters. Don't sweat it, boys. the Griffin men have always been winners,

Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You see, Brian, Meg has a job. Hey, Meg, if you're working for the Mayor, you know what that means? Even you're doing better than Brian. Hey, everybody, Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg.

Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!

Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows. MAN ON TV: We now return to Robert Mitchum in Out of Shape In-Shape Guy from the '50s. Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me.

Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please? Dad, what the hell?

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

People! People! Stop this craziness! The critic from the Providence Journal is here. If he gives us a good review, the doors are gonna fly open! Now, go get 'em, my little sillybillies! All right, Let's just get through this. Fine with me. Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick. You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel!

Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? I'm sure. Oh, good, 'cause that'd be strange if you had fantasies about pressing a gun up against your crotch and feeling your heartbeat through your balls. Please tell me why you have it. I said I don't want to talk about it. But I want to know. Just tell me. Come on. No. Come on, please.

- Hey, this look like a spaceship to you? - Sorta.

And 19 of us are not. And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine. What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here. All prescribed to James Woods. And all from Goldman's pharmacy. What's that all about, Goldman? I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, there is a highly experimental new procedure. It's essentially a leg transplant. If you'd be willing to sign a waiver,

Hey, I'm in New York City! No, I'm not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. Yes, I am! What's going on here?

Here comes the gravy. (COUGHING) You messy beast. Well, hello there, Meg. Neil, I really can't be seen talking to you anymore. I have friends now, and some of them, very popular.

Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see?

I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake.

I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell?

Go on, Jesse. Make your peeps and poops. That's gonna feel good for Jesse.

Stewie? Huh? Oh. Oh. Everything all right? Uh, yeah. Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

The victim had access to all the office-of-the-mayor stationery he could ever want, yet he hand-made a letterhead on stationery from a Marriott? As far as I'm concerned, that casts doubt. (ARGUING) Look, you guys just say the word and I'll put this ball with cheese in it on the floor.

All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive. That's my only offer. Take it or leave it. Peter, you must go. We will find our own way. I'll never forget you, Gerardo. Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo, but I'm glad I'm finally an American again. Being an immigrant is a real pain in the ass.

Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh? I never slept with Francois. What? But Peter said... Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter. I said she wanted to.

Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends. That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social.

All right, this is the place. We got to see if we can find Briggs's girl. Hey, we're looking for a stripper named Tanya. She here tonight? Yeah, she's working the Champagne Room. Follow me. Hey, Quagmire, uh, you ever been to Atlantic City before? Once, about 20 years ago. Why?

Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing? I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter, but I love you and I can't stand it anymore! Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down! This is a good sweater! Off! Off!

and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he? Like a champ he is. Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes And that's how you make a duck out of an oatmeal container. This is the greatest show in the history of television. Mother Maggie, you are a kindred spirit.

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car.

You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you.

perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig. I've become my father! Come on, Stewie. Let's get your sailor suit.

(HUMMING) Well done, you barnacle-munching scallywiggers. Sir, we've got a man down. Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something. Shoot me.

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often. Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said, "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful?

just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel.

Oh, oh, you're sorry?

Hang on, hang on, you guys. Don't worry. I know how to speak this guy's language. Keith Urban. Go on. Brett Favre. Uh-huh. I'm listening. William H. Macy? You guys are going away for a long time.

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no!

What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.

PETER: I love you, Lois. LOIS: I love you, too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels.

Oh, this is dreadful. I thought Carter and I were going to be so happy here. I'll tell you what, Babs, let me have a talk with him. Hey there, buddy. Go away!

Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right? Here it is, gang. Seared ahi tostadas, grilled asparagus, couscous, and for dessert, molten chocolate lava cake. Wait a minute. Meg, when did you find the time to do all this? (SCOFFS) I had all day to do this.

Ahh! Honey, I'm sorry I got us kicked out of New quahog. I guess nobody really needs guns. I'm not always right, after all. Oh, Peter.

(DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons? MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa.

Where have you been?

I know. If we want the cops to take us seriously, we have to waste a hostage. But who? Excuse me. Shouldn't that be "whom"? Ok, you. Crap! This is Police lt. Joe Swanson. I know we can work this out together. Ah, jeez, Not him again. I hope this place isn't wheelchair accessible. Bonnie, it's Peter.

Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is! Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show.

"But then, a miracle! There was a light at the end of the tunnel. "I rushed to freedom, but suddenly I was ambushed "by a mysterious man in white!" The man in white. Of course.

Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose. If we can break out of here, I've got an idea how to give the captain of this boat what he deserves. (DOOR CREAKING) Hey, where's the captain? I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning.

Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey! I prayed for you, Max Weinstein, and here you are. Ok.

It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?

Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie?

Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams!

Oh, you know what happened, you sexy minx. My white blood cells attacked the pathogens and created antibodies, and then the pathogens were filtered out by my kidneys into my urine and then expelled from my body, you slut. Peter, not now. What the hell, Lois? Yesterday you were all over me. And then, for a confusing period, inside of me.

Well, we could still be a band and choose a different name. Oh, no, Robes of Teal was the whole thing.

Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex. Uh, Peter, that wasn't, uh-- You know, for a large, heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass. That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy. What was that? Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.

Thursdays, Tom. And don't miss CSI, Thursday when Johnny Cluestein finds the secret fingerprints in the case... I've never seen the show. Brian, I'll be right back. I'm gonna use the little girls' room. All right, baby. (GROANS) An entire week and still no teeth. And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony.

For our top story tonight, we go live to terrific haircut Bob Costas as he talks with local man Peter Griffin, who is living his dream of playing for the New England Patriots. Bob? Thanks, Tom. I'm fond of your hair, as well. I'm standing here with Tom Brady and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin. Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete! What do you think of that?

Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris.

(LAUGHS) Look at John Krasinski look at the camera. He can't believe this guy! Aw, but there were gonna be more high jinks in Scranton. (CHUCKLES) Scranton. Dunder Mifflin. (CHUCKLES) Funny words are funny.

Oh, wow! Diane Simmons! You don't look anything like the ad. You better be huge. No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents The King and I," a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story. Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star?

The Bachelorette comes to Ouahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. But there will be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00. Oh, my God! The Bachelorette is coming to Ouahog.

Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth.

Lois, I just saw Jessica Alba on television. We've got 90 seconds, let's go! Peter, I'm not in the mood! That's okay. We can do it anyway. Peter, I was assaulted in public because of you!

You're not Arab! You two are coming with me. WOMAN: This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money.

Is that all? Yeah. Is there an age restriction for the sleight-of-hand magic show this afternoon? Twelve. Oh... Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in. Now, we all saw you put your card back in the deck. So how did it end up in your shirt pocket? Oh, my God, how did he do that?

Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy All right, I'm going to the store. Anybody need anything?

(YELLING) (GROANS)

Are we there yet? No, Chris, honey, we're not. Are we there yet? No, Chris. Are we there yet? Yes, Chris, yes. Okay? We're there. Liar! East of Eden? So you--you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to, huh? You know, this book's been around for 50 years. It's a classic. But you just got it last week,

Oh, God, what have I done? I'm the worst husband ever. Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup from Child Services. I'm here to take your kids away. What? Why? Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them. No way! - Oh, my God. - Finally.

Ok, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.

Peter, what's all this? Quagmire loaned me this book called the Kama Sutra. It's Indian. And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper? I don't know, Peter. That doesn't sound very sexy. What are you talking about? Bombay is sperm city.

Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.

she knows how to rig an erection. (LAUGHING) One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye. Shut up, poor kid. No, I'm serious, look!

Oh, you're dead, Joe Swansonson. JOE: My undercover name was Swansonson. Easy, Briggs. You kill a cop, they'll put you away forever. Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife. JOE: He'd met Bonnie. (SCREAMING)

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear.

Just what we need, another girl. You said it! Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her... ...and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis. Lois, what you reading?

The Fed is gonna be lowering rates, get your money out of T-bills and put it all into...waffles!

Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right?

Frankly, I like the yolks. I--i--i don't... I have no problem, it's just... There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.

but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this. Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good?

In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project. Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed. Well, someone should be.

Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done.

What? Tell my kids I love 'em. Charlie! Charlie! (WAILING) This was so funny in my head when I planned it.

Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, My God!

Well, folks, that's the news, and I am out of here. Daddy, she's been missing so long.

(SNORING) Peter! Oh! Oh, Lois. Oh... Let me make you some coffee. (SQUEALING) CHRIS: Oh, boy, a pig! Can we keep it? It bit me! What the hell did you and Bill do last night? We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.

What the hell is that creepy little thing? Well, I'm not Yoda.

CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... (BELCHES) (ALIEN SNORING)

Till we get our family back on its feet. I don't know... Lois, we've always given our family whatever it needs. Well, right now, our family needs us to sell illegal drugs to the tank top community. What do you say? All right, Peter, we can make one meth, and that's it.

Ha! Peter, what is it? What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry.

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. It's something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours. LOIS: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes.

(GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah!

(EXCLAIMING) (GROANING)

Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.

Then at least let me drive! Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. heh, A woman driving. That's adorable. Peter, I don't think... Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car!

(LAUGHING) (DUCKS QUACKING) Well, it looks like I'm a man with no sperm. But I'll always be a man with no sperm who once had a wonderful day.

STEWIE: Well, someone's got to lead this marching band. Ew! MAN: Griffins, come in. Yes! Yes, we're here. Well, I have some good news. The autopilot is capable of taking you home. But, guys... (STATIC CRACKLING) ...to engage, we're gonna... ...to take the shuttle out of...

It took six weeks and cost $8,000, but it was worth it.

Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking.

the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her? Oh, so what? (STUTTERS) All those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences. Are you? Are you a better person? What's your point, Meg?

We can have sex right now on the table. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. We eat here. MADAME CLAUDE: Griffin Peterson and the other colonists worked day and night to build their new settlement. Until finally, after much hard work,

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room.

No. No, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat. Careful, Peter. That's an old family photo. My mother gave it to me. Huh, that's weird. I didn't know you had a brother. I don't.

That was a gift for the family. Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck!

What else we got? Look. Look at this. There's a fishing lure in here. There's a fishing lure in the candy jar. (STAMMERING) What? Am I supposed to eat this? Eat a fishing lure? Hey, look, Brian's on TV. FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage.

Oh, Yeah? How good are you? You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to 2 Filipino women and a man. You mean 3 Filipino women! No!

And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

Everything started with the big bang. It was a Saturday night, and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling. (CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter.

Rupert, my transporter is complete. If my calculations are correct, the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation will soon be here to answer all my questions. (WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong.

Jolly Farm? (SCOFFS) Can't believe you still watch this crap. Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking,

Last day on Earth. I've always wanted to save a Native American family from rapacious cavalrymen.

Oh, When you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later.

We were gonna do everything together! It was one cereal ad, Peter. Besides, he's the one who won the medal. Yeah, I guess. Coming to A.B.C., the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this? Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson.

In other news, a local man has won the lottery. Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jack... Oh, boy. I still can't believe they're gone. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Well, I'll be the one to say it.

Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments. So this will be our last episode of Jolly Farm. What? No. They can't cancel Jolly Farm. Peter, it's just a stupid kids' show. Just a stupid kids' show? What about Pengrove Pig and the Lollipop Luau? (STAMMERING) Uh, I don't know.

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look.

Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face. He lives with us back in quahog. You got a nice wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie?

Da m n. Package for Brooke Roberts. Oh, that's me. Thanks. BRIAN: Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so f got you this answering machine. So, what's going on? f was thinking about doing something tonight-- Hey, you're home.

He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free One, two, three, ho! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed No, you don't need meth and you don't need speed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Have a go, Brian.

Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.

Sorry, that was the booze, not you.

What the hell did Stewie do to this place? Hey, get a load of Maynard G. Krebs over here. He's rubbing the records with his hand. Hey, hey, you're gonna ruin that, you know. Well, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you a name. Here, take some of these for your 45s. You can't play your 45s without these little yellow things.

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet.

Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going. Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

I've been careless with a delicate man And it's a sad, sad world When a girl will break a boy just because she can I'm broken.

Ugh, Yeah. And--and--And after she does, i--I just can't read it. Ohhh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We'd better get moving! Carol, you gotta relax. You Let that kid start calling the shots now, and you're screwed. Is Mr. Quagmire babysitting all these people, too?

Sorry doesn't show me nipples worth seeing! And as for you, Anna, you're dreadful and so is the program. I didn't write it. Yeah, but you know the people who do. That Alan Ball, you know him, right? Yeah. How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode.

Can I go to school in Paris for a semester? What? Paris? Hey, you know, I have a pen pal in Paris. Would you mind bringing him this letter? (HAWKS) We're fighting. Meg, I'd love to send you to Paris for a semester, but we can't afford that. But I can pay for it myself. I've been saving up from all my part-time jobs.

Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser. Good thing there wasn't land or else you'd have to meet the natives with that mustard stain on your shirt. What stain? Ah! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GROANS) Why did I even bring you on this trip? Because I'm the best damn land spotter in all of Europe. It's true. You are the best. Yeah, I don't need you to tell me that.

Oh, this? This is Hartz Mountain Flea Dip. Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY)

You guys got a garage or something? We got like 300 boxes of these things. (LAUGHING) Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

Oh. I don't think I like feet as much as you do. Hey, everybody likes feet! Come on. The party's just starting. I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach! Hic-a-doo-la! We're gonna all hang 10 and maybe then Hic-a-doo-la!

(GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know. You idiot! This is your fault. My fault? You were the one chasing me. You were the one reading my diary. LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing?

And the next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of uS. ah, It's so nice to be home. You have 113 new messages.

Good morning, Lois. My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today. Well, why shouldn't I be? You saved Rupert's life, and I love you for it. So, warn the villagers. Here comes the cuddle monster.

David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition.

(SIGHING) You know what, fat man? I'm not sure how to say this without sounding cheesy, but, uh, well, you really came through for me today. So I... I... Oh, what the hell. Oh, I love you, too, buddy. Come on, Stewie. Let's go home. Hmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state right now,

You guys are crazy. Hey, you don't wanna be a midget? One of those funny little guys runnin' around gettin' in all kinds of shenanigans. Smokin' a cigar, while you're ridin' around in a stroller. Good point. Never thought of it that way. They are God's little punch lines. Ok, all right. Here's another one. Black or crippled?

Well, we could do something. Like what? Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do.

That'll be more pathetic than that game of Marco Polo I played with Helen Keller. Marco. Marco. Marco.

"Me, big American man." My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

You need to get out of the house. I don't know, Lois. I'm a little depressed. The accident got me thinking about how uncertain life is and how suddenly it can be taken away. You're going to feel back to normal in no time. - Here, have some food. - I'm not hungry. Here comes the gravy. (COUGHING)

Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.

That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and chew on your balls for an hour. You know, that's the problem. That's usually the way I'd handle this kind of thing, but not this time. I mean, look at that dog over there. You think he wants to be tied to that chair waiting in the hot sun while his owner gets ice cream? Hell, no!

(LOIS CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY) (PETER CONTINUES GRUNTING) (PETER COUGHING) (PETER PANTING) PETER: I did it! I did it! That was all that noise. I did it.

I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm And we don't tan well, either. From a drunken Irish dad

I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list

Now play Handel. Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge.

Ah, you bitch. (SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back.

(SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!

The African-American heart monitor. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead.

Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping? Sorry, bud, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, y-you see where I'm going with this. Oh! I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. Monkey in the closet.

My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

Party song Does not attract attention Suggests a good time Gina, have you seen Chris? Yeah. He's over there. (GIRLS MOANING) (GASPS) Chris! What are you doing? Getting scraped to death by my zipper. You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me?

Let us pause to reflect on the sacred mystery of Richie's elder brother, Chuck, who ascended the stairs with his basketball in Season One and never came down again.

All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.

That was awesome!

What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next. Peter, have you been drinking? Well, a little. It is a party. Take off that stupid costume. You look like a damn fool. Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale. Everyone, I'll be right back.

I'm here for the boy. Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. (GASPS) But then why should you remember? There were so many of us. But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this,

The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right. (CAR HORNS HONKING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

I'll break the ice.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) So, Brian, how's it feel to own the coolest club in Quahog? You think this is cool? Look at these people.

(LAUGHS) This is from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad. Come on! I did a dog once, but I was in the Philippines, and I sure as hell didn't write him a letter. What? So what does that prove? The victim had access to all the office-of-the-mayor stationery he could ever want, yet he hand-made a letterhead on stationery from a Marriott?

It takes the cleaning woman forever to clean it. Was already broken.

People are gonna be impressed. Hey, a black guy! Ooh, Fun! Come on, Cleveland.

We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger.

No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere

Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg. I'm not gonna sit here and take this.

Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor. That was disgusting! You know, because of that, I had to use the little pig people's bathroom. All right, start the torture. (WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off!

Dancing in the street Philadelphia, PA CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets of Brazil CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Back in the USSR

Fifteen minutes, Mr. Christ.

I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive. Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas. And Christmas is about gettin'! Everyone in town knows that! Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Freshman! Help me! Freshman.

Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience,

Let's see what you wrote. "Cowboy, astronaut... "warlock, more powerful astronaut, beer expert."

That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up. Hey, now that's a good idea, Joe. All right, okay, I have two ideas.

Hey, Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? Sure. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off!

You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, I do, Brian. And I think I know just what to do. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us. Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street.

No, Brian, I'm supposed to say, "Ow!" You ruin everything! Ow.

Loretta, I came over here wanting to believe that there was still a chance for us. But on the way, I passed a lake, skipped a few rocks and had some black-guy thinking time. Loretta, we leave certain parts of our lives in the past for a reason.

Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog. Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this.

Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?

Our roots go back further than that. My grandfather used to bring me here when I was a kid. And his grandfather brought him here. Good day, gentlemen! Welcome to The Drunken Clam! Can I get you boys a mug of stout? Why, certainly. This is a bully establishment you've got here.

I guess sometimes a father just gets a little overprotective of his daughter, but you gotta know I was only thinking about your happiness. I know, Dad, and I appreciate it. The problem now is that these people are expecting a show. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (APPLAUDING)

Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened?

Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind the curtain of the V.I.P. room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'cause most of them are already dead inside.

Someone you can read the Sunday paper or share an orange with. Honestly, Darth, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. (STAMMERING) Well, I don't know what you want me to... Look, just go down to the moon and wait for your son. I have foreseen that his compassion for you will be his undoing. Got it. On my way. - No more of this Kurt shit. - Yeah.

I'm sorry, everybody. I've let you all down. Yes. You suck. I rule. Who the man? Who the man? Who the man? All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring.

Wait, wait. What? 555? Yeah. You know what, Richard? If you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it. Oh, please! Make the voices stop! DREYFUSS: And then there was Quag Chambers. He was the leader of our gang. He had sex when he was five and committed his first rape when he was 10,

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

Now, bonus question, is Mr. John home? No, no, Mr. John no home. Joe? What the hell? Are you working here? I have to, Quagmire. The baby's hospital bill drained all our savings, so I've had no choice but to take this job. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

(YELLS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, you bastard! You should've seen your face. That's so not funny. Now I gotta empty my pants.

Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir!

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay?

Oh, look, you got the community events corkboard wedged in your grill. There, that's better. Don't you all forget to sign up for the Quahog Community Talent Show. Talent show? Oh, Peter, that could be fun. Do you think we have a chance at winning? Absolutely. I love being around the stage. Except for that time we went to see Phantom of the Opera.

Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you got so far. Oh, you are just the worst type of person. Dad, what are we doing here? Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully.

Lois had always been full of energy and life but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging.

Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up! Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. Oh, hardy har har.

Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine. Thank you, Doctor. I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat.

Meet George Jetson

I've decided to go lenient and... Where the hell is my gavel? Give me that. I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING) I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day.

What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse. Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it!

- Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai. Break it up! Break it up!

Oh. Okay, then I'm a black guy.

Okay, here's the rules.

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn.

Mr. Griffin? Oh, my God! Hey, look, Meg. It's Kevin from next door.

Dear Stewie, I want you to know that I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hell hole entirely on your awful mother.

Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS)

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you. - Me, too. - But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight!

You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING)

I'll tell you what you can do. You Fire that sexy, interesting version of our daughter and make us a family again, or we walk! Fire her? She's the highest testing character on the show. Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract. Oh, yeah? Well, Here's what I think of your contract! I think it's awful, and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir.

What the hell is this? French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now. Lois, if this is your idea of a joke,

Well, okay. (GRUNTS) Ah! (GAGS) Ah! Ow! Ow! Yeah, that's right, "Ow." Now, you swallow that. Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted.

Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there! Always nice to meet a fan of my movies. Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy.

laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy

Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING) (PANTING) Are you okay? Yeah. I was so scared. Well, it sure would suck if you guys died without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler, who was Adolf's favorite brother.

Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit! The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia, this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day-- Over!

It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Brian, I can't believe you're gonna be on The Bachelorette. Yeah, I thought you said those shows were stupid. They are stupid. But I figured I got a few days of free booze and food... before they kick me off. I could use a vacation.

but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch. PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three. Okay! Easy, easy, easy... Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait... Stop! Stop, stop... What? What, what? - No, no, no. Twist it. - I am. No, no, no. The other way. Which way? You're twisting the wrong way.

That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police!

Oh, my God. Kidney failure? Is he gonna be okay? Well, yes and no. We'll put him on a kidney transplant list, but that could take months. Until a donor is found, he's gonna have to undergo dialysis treatments three times a week.

He's cooking something up.

Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio? Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.

Say what, now? You don't deserve her.

If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

It was 1944. I was a young Air Force pilot assigned as part of an escort for a bombing raid over southern Germany, when we encountered the Luftwaffe. At first we thought we were in the clear because the Germans were frightened by the scary shark face on the front of our plane.

'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Hey, ladies. You mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes. Stewie, what is that on your lip? I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?" Come here. I'll take care of that, sweetie.

I love you, too. Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here. Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian!

Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.

Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm... Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? To the can, because kissing you made me barf. What? Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could!

JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat? I got another cat. Oh, that yellow lab looks like it's dying. Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow. She's fine. Look, turn off the light.

Next on your list, you want to learn to ballroom dance. (SLOW WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING) All right, if you're going to make me do this at least let me lead. Fine. You lead. All right then.

I can't believe I have to change schools because of you! This is all your fault, Lardo! Me? I had nothing to do with it. No. I meant Chris! Oh. Yeah, Lardo!

Excuse me, sir. Secret Service.

Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him.

Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids? Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, 0uagmire Now that Peter's mental You probably ha ve some needs He 's retarded Peter is

I used to pass lots of gas

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it, but I'm kind of embarrassed by him sometimes. I know, and he's got boobs, too. Stupid guy with boobs.

and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion. So what happens next? Do those guys all get trials? Well, you know... (INDISTINCT) It's a long... It's the process, and whatever. Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at The Clam? That's a great idea. Yeah, I think we could all use a drink.

I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

I'm sure Joe's gonna acknowledge you. You'll see. Just Don't forget our deal, lois. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it. thank you. Thank you. You know, no one can win a gold medal by himself. it takes friends. And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today.

Hey, Meg. they got a Happy Days spoof in here...

You.... You guys know I have no problem with black people, right? Yeah. Sure. You did say you hated Croolrlyn.

See? This is exactly the kinda thing I was talking about.

Maybe he really is born again. Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

What are you talking about? You guys are my pals.

This is so unexpected!

Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going?

The Queen's coming to Billingsbury? That's bloody sweet! You know, I'm actually a relation of the Royal Family. You most certainly are not. Where would you get that idea? Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor. And I always heard me nana talk about how she took a duke. Must've been a difficult marriage, too,

Don't you want to tell Brian about Jesus? They got my picture up at the drugstore and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while. Ben. Dad. Ben, what have I told you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed? Look, Meg, I've had enough of this. You're not gonna convert me.

Who are you? What's that suit on the bed? And what have you done with your gay lover, Rush Limbaugh? (SIGHS) I am Rush Limbaugh. That's a costume. Wait a minute. You mean, all these years, Rush Limbaugh has just been Michael Moore in disguise? Well, it's a little more complex than that. What are you talking about?

It's like trying to beat schpupel champion Fjurg Van Der Ploeg at a game of schpupel.

Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways. I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak. Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story.

Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you...

You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.

It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately he was kind of a reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be. I wish to make love to you. (CHUCKLING) Oh, no, thank you. What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy.

Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no penis!

Hey, Peter. Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible. Oh, I didn't get any sleep. Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.

Everyone, this is Brian. Oh, this is Brian. He does look like Ben Affleck. He looks just like Ben Affleck. - Is that Ben Affleck? - Hey.

Yeah, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder lately.

so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it. This trip was impoceros!

You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it.

I'll start out easy. Little more complex.

Yeah, it's a secret tunnel like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Look, here's your first week's pay. All right, CHRIS!

but if Peter did kill Lois, we might find some clues in his garbage. Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died. Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat.

Wow! Ted Turner! I told you guys not to invite him. Oh, He must've followed us. Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual.

Or is he? Let's read on. Ok, I'll be there. Peter and Lois were supposed to chaperone Chris' school dance tomorrow night. So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing. You're too stupid to do it alone. Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto.

But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam.

Jobs are for suckers.

This is not good. No one knows we're out here, and we've got no food or water. Relax, Quagmire, there's food all around us. The trick is just knowing what's safe to eat and what's not. Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival.

Look, I know kids. And this story's gonna put them to sleep. Meg needs something that's gonna pull those kids away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and their Spirographs, and their Moby Grape, and their 90210. Luke Perry. That's it!

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark.

Oh, my God. So Grandma Hebrewberg is actually Jewish? Yes. When she moved to America, her family changed their name. It was originally Hebrewbergmoneygrabber. That makes you Jewish, Lois. And your children, too. This kind of rocks my world, even more than the time I went to that pediatrician.

He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin.

Look, Carter, I'll make a deal with you. You give me just one day to show you how great retired life can be for an old fella, and I'll let you honk the horn one time. - Really? - Uh-huh. - (HORN HONKING) - (LAUGHS) I'm pretending there's traffic. There you go, that's... Once! God, I wasn't even gonna do it!

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand.

(LASERS FIRING)

How do you know that? Trust me. I know. You know, Joe, maybe Patrick can actually be of help. I mean, who better to get inside the mind of someone who's strangling fat people than someone who's done it himself? Yeah, give him a chance, Joe. Like I did with scary teenagers. I used to be afraid of 'em, until I realized they were just misunderstood. Hey, fat ass, give me your wallet!

Look, I thought this FCC thing was a good idea at first, but it's-- it's just gone way too far. What, uh, are you saying, Lois? Well, I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right. I don't believe it! Finally I can do this!

Peter, these are parachutes. What are we supposed to do with these? They're supposed to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit. (COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen.

You, You are a very funny man!

JOE: Peter, no! Wait a minute! I don't have a wife!

All right. Testing voice modulator.

Well, I think it's more than that. So here's the thing, and don't get mad, and that part I can't stress enough... That's a great shirt, by the way. I may have made out with Meg.

I can't remember the last time we cuddled like this. I can't remember the last time I loved you so much! Oh, How did you get so sweet? When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.

Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.

What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.

Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right? Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. Commandment Number 2: There's nothing I can do about the sun. Commandment Number 3: There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. Commandment Number 4: When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right? Now, come on, let's get going.

So, how long you been in beauty school? Two months. Well, tonight we're doing facials.

Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her? Oh, so what?

and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud. - At the same time? - Yeah. And you have to flap your wrists, like this. And you'll do it, too? Of course. That's how it's done. - Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck! Hey, everybody. I'm home from work. My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office? Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit.

Chris, Stewie, you hungry? (YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose?

Oh, no. I don't want to bE A boTher. Hey, Is that turkey? Yes, Death. We were in the middle of a turkey dinner, to celebrate Peter's good health.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new. This is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. Thank you, Daddy! I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing.

Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?

It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there. Peter, may I use your restroom? I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort. Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one.

Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives? If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam,

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN)

Give it to me! What's that? Give it to me, Neil! Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil! Yeah. That'll work just fine. Hey, look who's here, diane. It's our bright-eyed young interns. Did you two remember to wear your eager caps? I sure did, Mr. Tucker! Great! 'Cause you two are gonna have so much fun!

It costs, like, $2.50 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation. ...so don't skimp on the conversation That sounds nice.

It's been three hours. You know, they warned me these blue ones were gonna make me constipated. Right they were. Okay. I am plugged up. No, I got it. Do it, Brian. Do it. (SNICKERING) It's me as a pillow.

I just... Uh! Stewie... Uh! Look... Uh! Come on... Uh! I... Uh! Just... Uh! You... Uh! This is... Uh! Can I... Uh! Ah! I was just messing with you, man! You can do whatever you want. I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious?

If you want to live, come with me and bring your guitar, and bring that thing you use to makes it go wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wAh Wait! Damn! How could he lie to me on our anniversary?

She's in there right now, taking a nap underwater. For God's sake, save her! My God, we better get her to a hospital. She doesn't look too good. Yeah, she looks worse than Andy Garcia when he had his conjoined twin. I had a great time with you tonight. You're really amazing.

Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes. Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3.

And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?

Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp. Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.

Forget it, Carter! Even Stewie says the book is good enough on its own. Right, Stewie? (GROANING HESITANTLY) Maybe do a song about why pot is bad. And that's why pot is bad (ALL CHEERING) I've heard all I need to make an informed decision.

What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah Family guy

You know, from before he got all desperate for attention. Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here!

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!

A flight attendant? Wow.

Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

(CHEERING) I want to get in on that. Mine's better. Mine's better. Mine's better!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to How I Met Your Father. Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married. You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up!

There's beauty up above And things we never take notice of You wake up and suddenly you're in love

- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING)

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah.

Come on, let's go out dancing. I don't know. I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow. I just really want to go dance. There it is again, what is that?

(TIRES SCREECHING) (BRAKES SCREECH)

We had a nice town, Peter. I had a nice life, but you and your anti-government buddies ruined it. Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh? More like T.P. Party.

Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once,

Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry. But first, the big news in entertainment this week is the lovable child actress, Olivia Fuller.

(CLEARS THROAT) You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa? What is your problem, Snoopy? Look, what it comes down to is that these false promises of, like, a quick fix to any and any problem that you would ever have,

Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. Wait a second. I'll be right back. Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this...

Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look. Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

But improvise, that'll be easier on my back. Ok, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wifE. Ok. And where are we? A bar! A pet store! Guadalajara, Mexico! Ok, ok. I heard pet store. And I'm the gruff but lovable owner. All right. Begin.

Track them. They may come around for another attack. Captain, the ship no longer appears on our scopes. They can't have disappeared. No ship that small has a cloaking device. Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit of the Millennium Falcon.

Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they? Oh, look who's starting to get it. Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them. I mean, how would you feel? Well, right now I feel like a jerk.

Now, everyone off to gym class. All right. Today we're gonna play soccer. Huh. That was easy. Hey, Lois, the kids are all asleep.

I've graded your assignments. Clearly there is only one person here who understands the material. Brian Griffin. (STUDENTS MUTTERING) Just, uh, got lucky, I guess. No, Brian. I underestimated you. Here, let me put a smiley face on your test.

Hmm. I've never executed a diaper change before. Of course, how hard can it be? You just unfasten these things,

What are you doing? I'm digging a hole. Why? 'Cause I like to sleep on my side. Our top story. The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.

They took all the good seats. Aren't you preciouS? ahh! Oh!

There's no factory? Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over! Uh, Damn it! Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there?

Show me that smile again Show me that smile Don't waste another minute on your crying DREYFUSS: We decided to cut through Old Man Pressman's junkyard, even though legend had it that any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog,

Hey, Meg, what's wrong? What's wrong is that Kent doesn't like me. He likes my brother, Chris. - Oh, my God. - No way! Well, I mean, you've done everything you can do. I guess you just have to move on. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of sweet guy-trim at this school. You don't understand. He's all I think about.

"A woman embraces life. "A woman makes choices to make her life better. "Sadly, the fact that you are with Jeff "proves to me that you have made a choice "to make your life worse." I want the girl I grew up with back.

Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it.

I like everything, including ginger ale. (HISSING) That's my way of ordering a ginger ale.

Hey, guys, look! It's him! Hey, Cleveland! Why didn't you tell us you were back, buddy? Oh, it's a lamp.

Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and look at something. Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something. PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh! What a very interesting thing.

I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding. And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it.

- That's racist, man. - Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, dog.

What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent.

Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face. Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us! We're finished. We're never gonna get home.

Good evening, sir. I am Reginald New York Knickerbocker, millionaire. (SNIFFING) Are you serving fish this evening? No, sir. Then I believe my guest has arrived. There she is! You must be Angela. Hi. Are you Peter's friend, Reginald? Indeed I am.

You know what? This is never gonna work, Stewie. Loretta cheated on Cleveland. She's not gonna want to go back to him. Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking. No, I think I can communicate with her better. She's only gonna get the gist of what you're saying. Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me? No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming!

Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus. Hey, Dad, why don't you invent the Frisbee? That's a awesome toy. It's already been invented. Then how come I never heard of it? This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company! Oh, Sorry, Lois. What's your news? Well, I...

BOTH: A friendship is the best thing ever MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better BOTH: With you

Peter, it's been two weeks. Don't you think it's time to take off your A-Team costume? Yeah, I guess so. But part of me wished we could just be the A-Team forever, you know? This damn chair keeps wobbling. I think one of the legs is short. Lance, I told you to fix that chair! I checked it earlier. It seems fine.

Some feel the heat and decide... Thank you.

Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... (VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING)

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

Wow, Jerome, the place looks great. Yeah, look at you, owning a bar. You guys are doing pretty good. First you get to run Somalia, now this. Well, it sure is good to be back in the old Clam. Hey, there's some guys sitting in our booth. Maybe we should tell them it's our booth. Uh-huh, or we could just sit on the floor, next to these garbage cans.

That's pretty much it. I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet. I don't know. Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work? What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah. You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works? I don't know. Yeah. You want to maybe just go?

But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy. ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch," text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3.

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd, is she gonna make good on that promise? A broken promise is a lot like a child's pinwheel.

Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT.

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.

Oh, no, you can't put your hand back up after you've put it down. You know what, never mind.

That's where the stock market crasheD. Mr. Griffin! I'm tellin' ya, You can't take a step in this house without uncovering something historicaL. W-w-Wait a second. Could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad? It is! Go, Freedom Train!

Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Mom, when's it Dad's turn? I don't know, Chris. But I think we should all pray for your father that he comes out of this uninjured. Those horses stink. And it's too hot in here. I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky. This is a disgusting display. Boy, you can say that again.

(LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen, can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING) (WIND BLOWING) Stewie!

Daddy, please, stop this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period.

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size!

Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started. Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and."

LOIS: Brian, is Stewie in there with you? Mom!

Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas.

He's a family guy Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you.

Hey, uh, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad? Because you don't have a bottom, son. Ah!

Here you go, Meg.

I'm Andy! I love you, Andy! Come on, guys, fight.

I got locked out of the house, and I need your key.

I just had a feeling. We're gonna miss you, Death. Hey, Don't worry. I'll be back. really, really soon. Is he joking? Ok, see you later.

PETER: Goodnight, honey. Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

I can't help it There's nothing I want more You know it's true Everything I do I do it for you

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake, ft actually goes to Nelly. Nell y. Wow, Mom. Were you a Miss Teen Rhode Island? I sure was, Meg, when I was 16 years old. In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract.

(GRUNTS) Let me go! Let me go, you bastards! You're all gonna pay for this! Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you. I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it. (ALL LAUGHING)

I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now. Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum. And this is for laughing and looking at the camera...

Nobody can. It's inhuman! All right, come on, let's get out of here! Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer!

Jim. Your name is Jim. Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive?

Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here. No!

There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts. Oh come on. I don't have much time. (SIGHS)

Artoo! (ARTOO SCREAMING) Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit!

PETER: Hey, how about this trial, huh? And all its details. Let's discuss them. MAN: He said not to! PETER: Hey, you know how the judge told us not to make up our minds beforehand? Let's make up our minds. MAN: Griffin, shut up! PETER: Hey, I know the judge said not to run in the hall, but check this out! (PETER LAUGHING)

It might even beat graduating from chiropractor school. Robert Baker. Brad O'Bannon. Anyone.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, there, son, mind if I have a seat? Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.

Ah! You look like one of those blind jazz guys. Where are you? I can't see anything! (SCREAMING) I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses. Chris, I'm blind. I'm sorry, Meg. (BAWLING)

CAROL: Oh, no! Oh, my! Come hither, that I may sire thee a dreary Brit! You ever wonder what a seagull tastes like? You know, I actually have. I used to wonder, but now I know. And it's not good. It's great!

but you have to catch me first!

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, I hope you're sitting down. I got something to tell you. Oh, God, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Is it Chris? No, it's Peter, your husband. But I'm calling with big news. I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs. I did okay.

And best of all, nobody important got hurt.

And now it's time for sports. GrEAT, The whole world is laughing at me.

Tell me, kid. What are you, like 27? I'm 13.

God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington. Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings? No.

But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year. Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend. And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester. What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next? I will. Um...

Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING)

"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, "or whether that station shall be held by anybody else, "these pages must show. "To begin my life with the beginning of my life, "I record that I was born on a Friday, at 12:00 at night."

Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well, don't you know about the bird?

All right, I'll be the one to say it.

I mean, not everyone can say that. (CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws. Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy.

Well, the odds were always against us. Most black men don't possess the skills to survive out here in the wilderness. My husband isn't black. Oh, boy. Well, then, we need to regroup, because... We haven't been looking. Wait! We may have a possible lead on Peter Griffin! What? Oh, my God, where is he?

Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?

What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!

He's not allowed to have any human contact. (PHONE RINGING)

I'm sorry, Lois.

Well, um, if it were you, you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it, 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid, and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback. Jesus, that one was all over the place. I should have been quicker than that. I should've said, "Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend?"

Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig. How the hell did you do this? I'll let you in on a little secret, Brian. I didn't do it. I got it from a farm. What the hell kind of farm breeds pigs like this? Would you like to see it for yourself, Brian? - Yeah, I would. - Good. Because it's gonna blow your mind like the stereopticon did to Americans in 1910.

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom? Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down. Geez, what's your problem, Peter? I'm sorry, Quagmire. I'm still just upset about the damn government sticking its nose in my business.

And finally, still no word on the disappearance of Lois Griffin, housewife and mother from Quahog, who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago. Well, folks, that's the news, and I am out of here. Daddy, she's been missing so long.

From Katrina? Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids?

Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God!

What planet is this? It's not a... Peter, its Earth. It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr. Swanson? Thank you. Hey, Dad. This came in the mail for you. A card?

Ohh! Submitted for your approval. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge to bury shiny objects in the yard. A shameful secret that nearly buried the peace and civility of an entire neighbor--

(LAUGHING) (BABBLING)

All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again. I won't, I swear! (SOBBING) Stewie, calm down. Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you.

Well, we haven't done anything yet. (STAMMERING) So, I'm just gonna avoid touching her until a little more time has passed. And by the time I tell her, I'll have impressed her so much that the dog thing won't even matter. Yeah, well, good luck with that. You know, I like your delusion, Brian. Most people would say, "I lost, I give up," but you, you just keep trying.

He's a family guy

Did you do it? Did it work? You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner. Run!

I-- I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it. Go, get the ball.

Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But....

To the Popemobile!

What the hell happened to all the smart genes in this family? I mean, I invent the razor blade comb, and my kids are doing nothing. I mean, when Chris grows up, will he even be able to get a job or take care of himself? And what's he gonna do when we die?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God. What are you watching? That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn.

Oh, crap! All right. Let me handle this. You were going 65, fella. That's 10 miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand? We met on the Internet. Shut up! Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Must kill LincoLn.

That's right, Tom. And now it's time for sports.

Wow! You are such a good dancer. Way to go on that beer bong. Yeah, no fake. No fake.

Yeah, and I bet I answered the customer complaint line at a Danish cookie company. Hello, Danish cookie company. No, I know they don't taste very good. Well, because they're very dry, aren't they? I mean, they came in a tin, how fresh did you think they were gonna be? Look, it's dark and freezing in Denmark. Everybody who made these cookies has shot themselves.

Oh... (SOBBING) I should just kill myself. Oh, that's... Come on. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me. Oh... Meg, stop it. Come on.

Hey, guys! guys, Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky. Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me? I'm with my husband! Lose the zero, get with the hero. Little violent for you, don't you think? Heh! I'll be right over there.

Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh?

Come here! Ah! (GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone. Here's to fish. Uh, Hey, could I have one of those? Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that.

well, I gotta go help my daddy bring in the mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance, Chris.

(INAUDIBLE) And this is the hand that caused all the trouble. Got your nose, little guy.

Wha--What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me! I just wanted to say hi. So, what are you do-- Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful.

(SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you.

Can't you feel a brand-new day?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us! Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here!

(CROWD GASPING)

No! No! I reject the premise of this!

About what? About what a beautiful day it...

- you get one free revenge shot at me. - Okay. But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming. This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final.

Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh!

To Lois! ALL: To Lois! (SOBBING) (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Lois! Mom! Geez, what the hell's her problem? Peter, she was already feeling insecure about her age, and then you went and gave her that horrible speech! I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. I'm King Stewie! I rule with an iron fist!

As someday it may happen That a victim must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list Of society offenders Who might well be underground And who never would be missed Who never would be missed There's the white kid With the baggy clothes Who's talking like he's black

No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood?

Oh, yeah. - Brian. - Ida. Two more, please. So I finally tell them, "Hey, I came here to be at the seminar, not run it." (BOTH LAUGHING) That's...

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) That's our guy!

Well, can we watch Lost Boys? I've heard of that one. Those are different lost boys.

- It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know, I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie. I've never even seen the ending. You've never seen the ending? Well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?

I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you. The Bachelorette comes to Ouahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. But there will be other stuff, too.

As she retarded? Can you please leave now?

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty.

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers.

All right, Cleveland. Nothing like a good smackdown to get the testosterone going. I must be in quahog 'cause all I see is a bunch of hicks!

Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do? I'm here to lend a hand to my main man, Peter. - Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this.

(CAR ENGINES STARTING) (TIRES SQUEALING) Nice going, Joe. Well, it's great being back in the North, where people are civilized. (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Hey, what, are you guys all on a date? Gay!

(CHEERING) In photography studios. Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this. MAN: And in simple American households.

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING) (SCREAMS) Sheldon. What are you doing? Get back in your bowl where you belong.

Donna? It's Grant, your new husband. Hi, honey. I've got great news. What is it? First, where do we keep the good scotch? At your brother's house. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (PETER LAUGHING) I got an audition for the hottest new play in town. This could really make my career and we can finally start our family.

I put in a call from the McDaniel's pay phone while you guys were getting that nine-piece chicken McFingers and those Diet Conks and those Fresh Fries. Oh, come on. They don't own "French fries!"

Holy crap! Do you see what I see?

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!

Hi, sorry I'm late. I was visiting my aunt in the hospital. She has hepatitis. Sorry.

Oh, Peter! You look like you! I can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was. Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris. That's ok, Dad. Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!

Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over.

something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..." War, war, war! That last sentence was about war!

Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches. Fat people have Wisconsin. And I have the Pawtucket Brewery. N-Now, help me drink these beers. Peter, I'm not drinking this. Ok. Ok. all right. All right.

we can't learn anything from them? If Chris gets his homework done, you can watch your show together next week. Now come on. Help me get the house ready for my mother. She's coming to visit for exactly one week. Bye, Mom. Sheesh. What a week that was, eh?

Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!

Excuse me. We were about to use that.

They're coming too fast! A nickel for every time I've had that problem. Just keep shooting, Luke.

STEWIE: Well, well, look who has surfaced. You're getting colder. (GRUNTING)

Aw, Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake. I'm not "The King." I'm not "I," I'm not anybody.

I mean, I can't even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out! What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE!

Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING) Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw!

Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out!

I certainly would. There, Meg, everything's fine. It's not Michael I'm upset about! Well, what is it, then? I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her.

Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog. How dare you? How dare you? How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk.

Dad, watch out! aah!

Suspects are armed and extremely dangerous. Perfect! Where's Lois and the kids? Uh, Over at Joe's. Well, go fetch 'em. They're about to see a real hero in action. To the BatcAve! oh-oh.

Oh, my God. Look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen? Maybe. You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin. Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your mogwai after midnight.

I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? You're cute. Done. As we say in Ireland,

Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? (RAZZING) Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg! - (RAZZING) - Meg! (FARTS) Uh-oh. Pardon me.

Yeah, it's me. And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time. Wow, you sure look... Different than the last time I saw you. Yeah, haircut. So to get out of here, I just make a left out of the driveway and drive as fast as I can? Wait. Brian, I'm actually glad you found me.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me...

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26!

What? Peter, this is idiotic. Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one. Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people? Would you be saying that if the prize was 150 million bags of the neighbor's garbage? But it's not. I mean, is it? That is an unrealistic, unfair question. Peter, Brian's right. How can you be so irresponsible?

You sure? Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's probably just a... Did you guys lock the truck? Dad, we don't even have a... What the hell is going on out there? Come on out, whoever you are! I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness.

Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. All right, you did good.

That property is in a prime location. 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown. (CHOKING) There's nothing to do downtown. Enough of this. Vader, release him. As you wish. (GASPING) All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole? Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow, if price is no object. Uh...

Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. I wonder what came over uS? Maybe people are just naturally violent. I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence.

Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS) You wouldn't! It's up to you, Peter. Either you leave now, or I set up one of your random flashbacks.

You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one?

One lucky son of a bitch. So, Luke, what brings your muscly arms out this way? I'll show you, Mr. Obi-Wan. R2, play him the message. General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.

And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no!

Hey, how much does Stewie pay you? $4,800 a week. - Holy shit. - Yeah.

Stewie, go to bed. What, am I expected to put myself to bed? Is no one taking care of me? He's a worse dad than a rich New York City investment banker. Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir.

Oh, yeah, Sure, Lois. All the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section. Stop with this! Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff. I mean--i mean, Mine goes inside of me when I stand up. How do you think I feel?

Well, you know what they say, write what's in your heart. (SLURRING) Hey! Oh, did... Did I miss Byron's reward? Brian's award. And, yes, you did, Peter. You've been a good son, Brian, and I'm sorry you're so sick. What? Peter, where the hell have you been?

But that'll bankrupt us!

But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart

So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him. Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse.

while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most. Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable! Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich? I don't want to die! Why is everybody acting weird?

It's time for you to piss off, redhead. What?

No, I can't be a part of this. Look, I'm just gonna leave you all the gauze I have. When that thing comes out, just wipe the crap off of him as fast as you can and... I don't know, man. Good luck to you.

He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD. It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

Take care, you two. May the Force be with you. CHEWBACCA: There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man. All right. Is this thing good to go? Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off.

Uh-oh! What is it? The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie.

Well, maybe some of them deserved it.

Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it. Really? You want to go throw up? Hey, Dad, let's go whack some moles! Now, Chris, we're not here for fun.

Give me that. I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison?

Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.

and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois?

He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him.

That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Peter! Yeah, she flosses in bed, she snores like a wildebeesT-- Thank you, Mr. Griffin. We now move on-- W-w-Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet. She freed Willie Horton, she nailed Donna Rice-- - Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies. Peter! Peter! Just a minute. Listen to me, please!

(GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny.

Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating. We should form a club.

It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God! Oh, man, I am screwed! I'm gonna lose my house, and my boat, and everything. How am I gonna come up with $50,000 by tomorrow?

I know what you've been doing here.

Okay. Okay, let's do it. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, look, there we are. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Are you sure, Brian?

You know what? I bet my ways would seem just as foreign to you. BRIAN: Stewie, I got a flea thing going on in here! Where the hell's my Frontline? (SIGHS) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job!

Don't worry. Once I'm of this body cast, I'll do enough living for me and Bill. Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill. Haven't you guys learned anything? T.V. took over my life once. I'm never gonna let that happen again. Oh, My God.

I know when you're lying to me, Brian. no, No, I swear. Meg, take Stewie upstairs. What--What are you doing? Oh, You don't know that either? Last chance, Brian.

How does Kevin Costner keep getting work? Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button!

can I use your toothpaste? Oh My God. Excuse me. Hey, no problem, meg. You probably bought me another 3 minutes! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day. First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. And I still don't have a date for Friday night,

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach.

MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

(TIRES SCREECHING) (HORN HONKING) Say "hang on" and drive down staircase. Hang on!

Boo-ya! Triple salchow in your face! Hey, you want this? Huh? You want some of this? Oh, man, look at your rack. I'd motorboat that. I'd motorboat the hell out of it. Right after this layback spin.

No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire! Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag.

Six fifty-one. That's not bad. Better than mine. Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself? He's got an idea, but it's not quite there. I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that seems like it's more her market. This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas!

No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble! My baby! Get out there and tell those people the truth. Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house!

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. (BEEPS) All right, you guys, that was Lois. She's gonna be here in 10 minutes. Dad, how did you get Mom out of the house so we could decorate? Well, Chris, I constructed a very elaborate, fake grocery store. Oh, my God! Are these pickles really only 39 cents? That's right, ma'am.

We'll take my carriage. Oh, crap! Well, I'm still here, you bastards, so let's do this. (WHISTLE BLOWING) Hey, Brady, you're gonna gloat and call me a loser now?

Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news. No, Brian. The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment. I like her. Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney.

Sweetie, you're not serious? I sure am. The best thing I've ever done with my life is being a dad.

Here. Let me see that. This'll never get Meg on the paper. This is old news. There have been scandals in politics ever since Thomas Jefferson. Oh, hold on. Hold on. Honey, let's get all the kids in this. Look, I know kids. And this story's gonna put them to sleep.

Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil!

Hey, thanks for coming out on such late notice, Doc. Oh, you don't have to thank me. This is a big deal. It's not every day that God bestows a woman with his son. Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo!

(WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down. And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town. That should be me everyone's talking about!

Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze!

Ooo! Weird! All right, a bike! I'm out of here!

One! Two! Three! Did you know where the Ukraine was because of my globe? No, I saw it in a book. You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick. Eight! Nine! Ten!

Somewhere that's green Between our frozen dinners And our bedtime, 9:15 We snuggle watching Lucy On a big, enormous

Ahh! My device! My teeth! I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again. - Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then?

(GUNS FIRING) Brian, you might want to look outside. Oh, my God! (CLEVELAND SCREAMING)

Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her. STEWIE: This is fantastic. Nobody suspects a thing. Listen to my voice. That sounds cool. Hello. Pigs in Space.

Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE)

diggly, diggly, digGly, diggly. Don't worry, Carol. W-We'll get you through this.

No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "life!" That's wha' I said! "Loif!" Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage. we've got 5 days left, and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. "Have you hidden my hatchet?" "'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?" Oh, God, no!

There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now? ooh, Our leader is here to take us on our journey! My children, rejoice. The hour of transformation is close at hand. Who are you? This is Meg, O, wise one. Can she come with us?

We do? Yeah, we're doing that thing. We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon. Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together.

Dad, it's Mom. Oh, God! Please be Somerset Maugham. Please be Somerset Maugham. Hello? Peter? Damn!

Hi. Yeah, we're the Griffins. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry. I can't find your paperwork. Well, Look harder! I want my baby back! Lois, Lois, Please, let me handle this. The name's Griffin. We're the ones who fed dog food to our crack-addicted baby.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked.

Oh, Meg, honey. Our home is your home for as long as you like. We could offer you the guest room, provided that it doesn't bother you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there. Oh. I guess not. Uh, When did he die?

All right, Lois. I'll do it! Oh, God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not coming out. Brian, is that you? Uh, Yeah. It's me. Is everything ok?

Hey. Did you guys order some ice? 'Cause I got a bag of ice here.

All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman!

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh!

I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Boy, I hear you, too. It's a lot of work just to keep my single-guy fridge sufficiently depressing. Let's see. Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait. Root beer from two Julys ago. Here we go, expired milk. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Jenny, look how young you look. I sympathize with y'all.

You know, This really is the first place we've gone to. Perhaps we should try another lot. Sold! Well, Go on. Hot-wire it! Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! Oh, for God's sake! Hurry up! You did it! Wait. Put it back. I like that song.

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Get some, Peter! Nice job on that ramp, Joe. If there's one thing I know, it's ramps. Wait a minute, guys, I think he's really hurt.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.

(SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life!

Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up.

Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt!

but I can see you already bought out the store!

You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What? Oh, come on, You look like Charlie Brown. Bite me, Snoopy.

Are we there yet? It's crowded back here. Stop touching me. Your leg is rubbing up against mine. Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over. Stop breathing on the window. You idiot, that's condensation. It's on the outside.

Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse!

(STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

No. I don't want anything to do with neighbors. Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again. If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it. Peter, they might be very nice people. "Very nice people." Yeah, that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and bam!

Hi, um, Ah... Ugh.

What? What do you mean our credit card was declined?

Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles! Oh, my God, I'll run and get help. No, no, we've got to carry him! We can't leave him here, there's a wolf! Um. There's not really a wolf. What? Tell my kids I love 'em.

Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink. Mojito!

Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law.

(GROANS) All right, Peter, if you spell your next word correctly, you win the competition. Your word is "lesbians." Can you use it in a sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids.

You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter, we have a problem. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened?

Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus.

Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me. Oh, Yeah? Him and what army? The U.S. Army. Oh, That's a good army.

undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot? So, how was your first day, Mr. Kotter? Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher? It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment!

Atta girl! Shake your money-maker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Oh, my God! It's a chick! All right, everybody! This party's over! Hey, Why do you cops always have to kill our buzz? He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas.

Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel? He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side!

Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley. Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason. But then it thawed and cavemen came.

Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs.

Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that.

What's Family Guy?

I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that? What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm...

Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike. What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right?

Oh, hey, Joe. God, I thought I was in trouble for a minute. Hey, toots, you know why I pulled you over? You were going too sexy in a 35 zone. I'll need to see your driver's license. What? Joe, what the hell's wrong with you? It's me, Quagmire.

Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it,

I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night.

Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird. I'll act however I want to act, you son ofa bitch!

Who the hell do you think you are? Stop it this instant! We're not gonna fit through there. Only circles can fit through that rectangular doorway. Oh, my God, it's going right through. I got to get better at shapes.

Superman. Batman and Robin.

"...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf. "But he didn't listen to them 'cause he's his own man. "And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous "turn out to be the most fun." Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter.

The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for. It turned a pretty nice profit. I guess it's only fair that I give you my percentage so you can get your house back. Quagmire, I don't know what to say. Thank you. You're welcome.

(RETCHING) (GROANING)

And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face.

(ALL CHEERING WILDLY) Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

Well, We take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too. Wow, thanks! It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home. You know, I think the lesson here is it really doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.

Oh, my God, Brian... You're gonna live!

Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety.

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough.

Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie.

No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!

There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

(ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

Here's your paper. What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd! Thank you. Would you like to come inside for a cupcake and a glass of wine? Shut up, old man.

Horsey, you saved my life.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV

Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar? Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah! Gotcha!

like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Oh, So I should treat him like a high-class whore. That's fine. Just no kissing on the lips. Would you like a piece of candy? I smell death on you! Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Permission to come aboard?

Damn it. We were so close to saving Meg.

Oh, Crap! I didn't push "end." This is gonna cost me a fortune. Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing.

Hey, there's one of them. Peter, look out! (GROANING) Go on, Jesse. Make your peeps and poops. That's gonna feel good for Jesse.

oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs. Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

Horsey, you saved my life.

(GROANS) (GASPS)

I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE!

That was a crazy one, Dick. it sure was, Ed. in this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi Watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say, "She sells seashells down by the seashore." What does your mom do For A living? She sells seashells down by the... That is kind of a tongue twister.

Good for you, Peter. Congratulations. You've just bought yourself a cursed boat. Cursed?

Your daughter's a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way. Well, somebody's got to step in. Tomorrow, I'm going down to James Woods High and offer to teach the class myself.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a... Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk. Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, Brian.

I just want to get to sleep and put this ugly night behind us. All that unpleasantness with Brenda and Jeff was more than I can handle. It's no big deal, Lois. We probably just caught them on an off night. JEFF: (SHOUTING) Where do you get off calling me a deadbeat in front of your brother? BRENDA: (MEEKLY) No, Jeff, all I said was that you were in between jobs. JEFF: Well, it wouldn't matter if you'd just pick up that night shift at the prison!

Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where. You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it. I had to ruin it? Yeah, you. I was actually hoping that you'd talk me out of returning the sweater. So, you're right, I guess I am a moron. You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself, and you have to go and make me feel foolish.

Hey, why don't you and your friend come join us over at our table? Peter Griffin. How do you do? (CHUCKLING PLAYFULLY) We would love to. Hey, girls, these are my two new friends. Hello, ladies. My name is Carter, and I require a tremendous amount of calcium. Carter, come here. Sit next to me.

What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview? Shut up and get a ladder or something.

(BIRDS CHIRPING) ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Blind Justice. (ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife.

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious.

Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES)

Ok. Open it! Ahh! Let me go! Help! Help! All right. Where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search, I swear! Ahh! Sir, we apologize. Griffin, There's no easy way to say this. I think you have a drug problem. A drug problem? What's this really about? Jealousy?

Too many cops, too many cameras, too much security. I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

But we should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. Now we can see the world for what it is, a beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced. Jeez, Another chick flick. She's right. All the hours we've wasted on that damn idiot box. I'm gonna paint my house! I'll build a ship in a bottle.

I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's--He's alive. Oh, Well played, sperm brother. Well played! He's more clever than I thought. Perhaps too clever.

Bye-bye, take care, now. Have a nice day.

Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag.

Oh, my God! Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.

Oh, yeah, you're the guy who cost me my mustache. What, did you come over here to rape my daughter? No, I own the restaurant. And to show my gratitude, I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of McBurgertown burgers. Free burgers? Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt.

You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll!

undefinedTake that! " got it! Take that, you bum!

you mean That horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid? I didn't realize she'd been born. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere. Ooh, I'm gonna R.S.V.P. right now. Oh, Splendid. an entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars," and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice." God, Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?

No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter.

You guys are gonna love this spa. They give the best massages. Your whole bodies will feel like Joe's legs. Wow. That would be nice, for a short period. I tell you, I need this. I've had a really stressful morning.

Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole.

"more important and less significant." That was beautiful, Brian. Well, you know what they say, write what's in your heart.

the picture's gonna change into something else.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Yup.

Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off!

Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear on your pants, there. Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact, but you're just not gonna listen, are you? My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to kill you.

(COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth.

Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson lived in peace and happiness. Oh, Griffin, I love you. And I you. Let's grow old into our 30s together. I want to have a baby with you. And I want to be there when you die giving birth to it.

Yeah, we did it! But we lost Briggs. How are we going to find him now? We got nothing. Well, I don't know if it helps, but I found this number next to the phone in his kitchen. I was saving it 'cause I was going to make a scrapbook of the trip for you guys. Let me see that. This is the area code for Juarez, Mexico. He's trying to get over the border!

Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja. Sauerkraut. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) Euthanasia for the mentally feeble. Das ist gut.

Give me that. - You wanna hook up? - Buy me something. I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool.

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where everything is depicted as a Washington Post political cartoon.

Mr. Tucker? I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look greaT. Uh-oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan! I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.

I knew my play was good. Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches.

Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? Oh, You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse. Meg, let me tell you about popularity. Mrs. Canner? Are you coming? Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag.

Peter, I'm getting a little worried about Chris. All he does lately is sit alone in his room talking to that zit. Relax, Lois. What's a zit gonna do? Talk to him and tell him to sneak out of the house and cause trouble? Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell!

Money, money, money

This is ridiculous. Evil Stewie could be anywhere. You know, this really is all your fault. If you hadn't told me I was going soft, I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer. For all we know he could be killing someone else right now.

Uh, Yeah. Oh, Great, 'cause I could use some. no, no--No, don't! I--i just ran out.

The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,

Why are you still here? What the heck happened to that trophy anyway?

Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Elijah Wood. I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have. Oh, look, Lois, wishbone. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds.

Dad, I've had enough of you taking advantage of these people. For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess. You can't spare one square? I don't have to take that from you. I'm the richest guy in town.

How long was I in there? About five minutes. Why are we not funding this? Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes?

God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here. Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement with a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel. What the hell? Where are we?

I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room.

Yeah. What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn!

All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

(GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked. (NATIVES YELLING)

Hiya, Brian. All right, Peter, now I know your head is still a blank slate, but you gotta listen to me when I say... Wait. Did you just call me "Brian"? Yeah. You've got your memory back? Uh-huh. Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store.

Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy.

(STUTTERING) No. Just checking. What exactly are you looking for?

Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you. I mean, what is going on with this country? I mean, wake up, America. I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right? About the taxes? You know? Yeah, taxes are pretty high. Is that a new coffee machine? Oh, yeah, I took the liberty of replacing your old one with a new, American-made coffee machine.

A wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer. Look at that side boob.

Here, let me stroke your hair. Thank you. I want to do gay things for you. I... I crave your groin. Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible. Enough! Kiss each other.

My son, Chris, is in charge of our space program. We hope to get to the moon very shortly. Almost... Ow! They should really use monkeys for this.

Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him. As she retarded? Can you please leave now?

Thanks, Jim. Hey! Hey, When you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say, "is it--Is it in yet?"

I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch each and every day Chocolate cake a la Blake Hundred bucks, Blake is gay

with my stupid wife showing me some dumbass brochure. So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. You and I will have one cabin, and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two. Oh, this is going to be so much fun! Hi, Chris. How was school? Not good. I got suspended for saying bad words. For God's sake!

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

Here. Make sure you get all this. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? No. Not necessarily. (GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home.

And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and...

This was amazing! Guys, we did it! We found the source of the world's dirty jokes! I can't wait to tell all the guys back at the Clam! Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible. What do you mean? Well, you've seen our secret island. You know about our network of joke distribution agents, like the bellhop.

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

Come on. Discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?

Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us.

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Everybody gets one. Sweetie? You married a total jerk.

"We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)

Says, "A-oh, a-oh, oh-a, oh-a-oh!" I'm losing money, and it's your dog's fault. Now, I have to get hemp illegalized again, and the only way to do that is to start a fear campaign designed to turn people against pot.

And this is our Fox News daycare center. Where are all the kids? Sorry, a lot of the children aren't here today because their parents have the day off for Martin Luther King day. Isn't that in January? Oh, no, at Fox News, we celebrate the day he was shot.

What is it? Specimen Z is a cure for cancer. Carter didn't die. He cured himself. Hold it right there. (BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

Jeez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic. Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?

Wait a second. Got something. This could be the real deal, boys! Let's do it!

We're going to have so much fun on Petey's Funhouse today, but before we begin, your friend Petey wants to sing you a song. What makes you so special? The fact that you are special But if everybody's special That kinda waters it down

Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about. And you'll see you're being taken for a ride, like a snail on the back of a turtle.

As was your fate, Mr. Fly, so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body! Computer on.

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

- Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING) Ugh. Get a tan.

You know, you don't... You don't deserve... You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian. Tell me why

Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are. As someday it may happen That a victim must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list Of society offenders Who might well be underground

All that's left is for Brooke to meet their families. Hey, Brian, I can't wait to meet your family. Yeah, me, too. They're pretty great. Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it.

What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you. Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.

Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME) What the hell was that? I'll tell you what it was, Lois. It was awesome.

I'll get you started. (HUMMING) What are you doing here, Brian? Still trying to smear my boss? No, no, no. I actually came to my senses and realized I was out of line. Uh, I'm just here to apologize.

CARTER: "Oh, there it is! Give us some of that!" (PETER LAUGHING) PETER: "Perhaps later. "Now, let's go to France and steal all their objects de art." CARTER: (EXCLAIMS) "All right! Let's go to France." Not bad, eh? Damn it! That was Fox News. Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness and they won't have him slandered.

When we lose, I'm getting a divorce. Understood.

Here's the clicker. No one would blame you. What do you mean you found the Lord? I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my savior. It's that damn religion channel.

Oh, dang! That is some smart pig. Good thing I copied off of Oinky. Tah-dah! Possum Surprise. Actually, I made it with Shake-n-Bake. And I helped! Kids, where's your father?

What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right. I have a very tough time standing up in the car. Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together. I wonder where we're going. Calm down! I'll tell you what were going to do. Wherever this van stops, we'll begin a new life together. We'll blend in to the fabric of that community.

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody.

There's no factory? Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over!

Yeah, serious problem.

Huh? I'm sorry, Joe, it's just an expression. Ah. We got to give Lois a last-minute edge. Guys, I need you to help out on the campaign. Oh, man. That's like making all, like, signs and walking around or what? You know, you bastards got a stake in this, too. I mean, Lois is my wife, and if she's the mayor, we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want.

The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery!

Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents.

Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef. Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.

(GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food.

He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

We'll do the best we can with Meg Are you saying I'm ugly? It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess-- Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard.

I'm not special? MAN: Everyone's special, Peter. Rock drummer Tommy Lee!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

That's right. A hostage situation. I gotta go. I know. If we want the cops to take us seriously, we have to waste a hostage. But who? Excuse me. Shouldn't that be "whom"? Ok, you. Crap!

Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

Damn it, he's in the garbage again. Oh, my God! Come on! Get out of the trash. Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again! Ah, The breakfast thing. Heh. Yes. I-i-It wasn't even about the eggs, really.

Absolutely. But first I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours. Oh, i--i don't know if I can do that. Ooh, That's too bad. Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. They're coming over later and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong. Oh, man! And his arms stretch out to next week! Your Honor, Peter Griffin would like to take the stand.

Yeah, like--like we could get her drunk and take turns havin' sex with her. - How would that help me? - Oh, help you? Oh, oh, Yeah, yeah. Then, no. No, then, that--that wouldn't help you.

Han, look out! Boba Fett is right behind you! All right, when I give the signal, we get him! (SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

Is this a joke? I wish it were, Joan. I wish it were a joke. But these things happen, you know?

You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time.

I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone. Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you. Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive, every one of you! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way.

Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. Ok. You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host,

Now, you at home, tell me, who else wears a hat? A very formal horse? Very good. Even a bowling ball can wear a hat if you use your imagination. (LAUGHING) A bowling ball wearing a hat? This is what high-def was invented for. Peter, what the hell are you doing?

I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm! Yes. Ok now, playtime is over. Turn it off, monkey. Ok? ahem. Hello, friends. if you're watching this, I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. Yeah?

When did he die? We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show. You know, some-- some people think that dandelions are weeds.

Mmm. Look, this is a really big deal. It'd be nice to get some support around here. Oh, I'm sorry, Brian. That's great news. Yeah. What channel will the awards ceremony be on? Oh, are they having an awards ceremony for how well you did the dishes last night? Ha! You got nothing going on.

Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad. Hey, Dad, do you want to play baseball? Oh, my God, could you leave me alone? You are the neediest kid. I can't believe you gave up our show.

Hey, What are you doing in my locker? Your locker? Say, Phil. What do you say to happy hour after work? I'd say it looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbors. Come on. I'm buying. Oh, yeah!

(YAWNS) Been a long day, Lois. Long day. Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed! Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He is a graceful, majestic creature who is a part of this family and only wants your love and respect. The horse may have pooped in the bed.

The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from?

(LAUGHS) Mom's right. Drugs are bad, Brian. I mean, haven't you seen those commercials?

You know what, Karen. Go! I'm not going to stop you. Just go!

Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo."

That's her. Where is she? Is she here? No, they took her just a little while ago.

Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight. Hoi!

We went dancin' Across the USA On that crazy king's highway Too much passion

I see a woman draining your bank account and running off with a real estate agent.

I don't know, I didn't read the whole Wikipedia entry, but the good news is that what he has is highly treatable. With radiation first, and if necessary, chemotherapy. (COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, for God's sake. Look, do you have any idea how expensive medical school is? No, I don't. Well, it's probably pretty expensive.

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do?

You going to have a close encounter of the turd kind? (PETER LAUGHING) Hey, I think you're gonna need a bigger boat! (LAUGHS) These jokes are for you, Peter,

Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.

Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.

It's not your fault. (SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood.

Bye. All right, Carter. I finished cutting together our anti-pot video. Take a look. PETER: "Hey, I got a great idea. Let's kill six million Jews." CARTER: "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?" PETER: "I got the idea from... From...

Nice game, Peter. Yeah, I'm on a roll. And I whipped Chris on the ice today, too.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Hello, family. Hello, honey. (BABBLES LOVINGLY) Stop calling me that. I don't care what the law says, you're not Peter Griffin, you're James Woods. I should've warned you, she can be a real bitch in the morning.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, ok? Now make it stop. Peter, This is the final plague! Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old.

Wait and see Honey, I'm gonna do this for you But it's really for me

Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake. Sho' 'nough, I thought I'd go deef and dumb when I saw me that dead body. Cleve, calm down. You're not making any sense.

I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her. Smoking! You have our support, Griffin. Look, kids. Here's your father in People magazine with Jim Carrey. And they're both "Smokin'!" I loved that in Mask.

All right, Chris. We're approaching your assigned village. Tell the people to work together and drink clean water. And by the way, the word "colored" still flies down there. So, get your fill.

(SHUSHING) Hi, Dad. Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today? Nope. Sorry, Chris. She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans.

Is this your card? I don't know. Was it a red card? I don't know what red is. Ta-da.

No, Lois! I will not allow you to look down on Amber just 'cause she goes to an alternative high school! There's different ways to measure intelligence besides someone's grade-point average! Fact is, she rumpled up some poetry she wrote and threw it away in a fit, but I un-rumpled it, and it was really good!

who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet.

Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar?

Being a single mother is hard. But The real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks. Well, Here's your check. God blESS. Here, Honey.

Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City?

All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead?

Well, then, how about a dozen scarves? (SINGING) (COUGHS) Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. (COUGHING)

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

(SCREAMS) You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? There's more soap inside the soap. They know that!

This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays. Just had its knees replaced. Oh, Great. Buy one and let's get out of here. What do you mean, buy one? All I've got is $50. We're gonna have to distract him. Follow my lead.

Hey, this ain't the way to the rendezvous point. We're not meeting up with the others. We're going to the Dagobah system. Hi. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, yeah, do you know how to get to the Dagobah system? Yeah, actually we're headed there now. You can follow us. Okay, great. Annoying question. We have to get gas,

Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party? I feel terrible about this whole thing. Look, Why don't I just put us up at a nice hotel for a coupla days? Oh, That's a great idea, Brian. It'll be like a little vacation. Well, You might want to bring some cash with ya. 'Cause, You know, some places don't take credit cards.

So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing. I know it's different than you're used to.

Oh, crap! This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am! Hiya!

And the charade continues.

Donna? It's Grant, your new husband! Hi, honey. I've got great news. What is it? First, where do we keep the good scotch? At your brother's house. (CROWD AND PETER LAUGH) PETER: Lois, can I have my birthday here? Seems to be going well. What do you want?

(BOTH MOANING) All right, come on, everyone. Go get dressed. It's ballet night.

I just was thinking about Tyra Banks. (EXCLAIMS) Can you imagine? Every night! Don't shake my hand. You ain't got no hand! You a little truck.

I am very busy. I think Betty White is in PETA. That doesn't even make any sense!

I'm going to meet her cats. Jeez, all right. Okay. All right. You don't have to get all... Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog CatDog (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) CatDog Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat...

A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh!

Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway. They had one on last night where the girl had a butt-face, but her breasts was immaculate.

I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer. Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen.

I can't fit all my books in my locker. Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? (LAUGHING) Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father. Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough!

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed.

Well, Lois, I never realized what it was like to have a real dad. I mean, my own dad was such a ballbuster, I guess I just always thought that was normal. But Papa Tom is so different. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a real family, you know? I mean, I'm not just going through the motions like I do around here. Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little? (LAUGHING) Yeah.

Hey, Omar, want a Hertz Donut? Okay. Hurts, don't it? Dumbass. Wow, he effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face. My dad hits me. But I bet if I hit others, the pain stops. Someday, I'll use what I've learned here on my wife.

Quagmire's taking me to a Canadian strip club. He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me.

Lois, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter. Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight.

Ok, now, don't wander too far, kids. You know, more children get kidnapped at the grocery store than anywhere else. Hey. Ah, You got me! Oh, Not quick enough. Not quick enough, no. No, I was close, though.

But think about your beautiful little girl. You can't watch her grow up from jail. You'll miss running after her as she learns to walk... (STAMMERING) I mean, riding bikes with her, as she... I mean, dancing at her wedding... Look, my point is, you know what you're doing is wrong, and you know how to make it right.

the Golden Autumn Day Strangler. M-Maybe Steve won't remember you. Well, Well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead! Oh, Good.

'cause our checkbook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew

No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home. I don't care. I don't care. Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep. 'Cause you're gross. And even if they are, so what? Who are you saving yourself for? Hey, look, I got to go. I don't know if we're coming to Thanksgiving. Because I don't know!

LOIS: Oh, my God! Listen to them, R2, they're dying! What do we do? Only one thing to do, man. You still got that bag I gave you?

What a wonderful story. All right, I got one for you. So, me and Lois are driving up to Vermont to get this abortion... Peter! Hang on, hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it. All right. So, we're driving up to get this abortion, and we get to the abortion clinic, and the abortionist has one hand.

(EXCLAIMS) (STEWIE YAWNING) What you doing? Oh. Hey. Just needed a little drink. Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right? Saving it for what? It's not important. Want a sip? You're offering me some?

Excuse me. Now that your family is gone, would you mind if we turn on the TV?

One of the competitors is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy. Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry, and found out she had a talent for it.

You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash.

(WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

Oh, my God, that smell is making me sick. (GROANS) Oh, thank you for making me more self-conscious. I'm not gonna be able to stay like this until tomorrow, you know. Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it. - You don't? - No, I don't. Stop looking at me like that. Look, I'm going to propose something, and I need you to hear me out.

Why, I feel like I'm on the deck of the qE ii.

Come on. Walk with me. Talk with me.

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body.

So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail. And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on? (LAUGHING) You see? I'm part of it! I'm part of it like everyone else! I can't believe they threw me in jail for a quarter ounce of pot.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

So you actually put coke in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it? Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you.

Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything. That's right, Peter, they are red. Lois, what are you doing? I switched Peter's questions to the pre-school edition. Just to let him have his moment. Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks.

You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two Dear little buttercup Sweet little buttercup My little buttercup I love you

I'm sick of coming in 2nd to that awful Alexis Radcliffe. Every year she wins and rubs it in my face. Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year. Congratulations on 2nd place, Lois.

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote.

And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. Anyone? Anyone? Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire. It's good to be back, Peter. Hey, Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes?

For more on the story, we now go live to Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa. Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia.

You were right, Peter. I've never felt so alive. Victory is mine! aah! God damn it. UGh.

Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought you were a regular person. Where's the shampoo?

You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked.

Hey, you. Uh, hey, Ryan.

Thank you, Father. Hey, nice talk, chief. There you go. Buy the wife something pretty. Oh, Father, your homily was so moving today. Thank you, Lois. And thank you for the great job you did with the rummage sale for the needy last weekend. Oh, it was my pleasure. You know, I accidentally almost put a cashmere sweater in there.

Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy. I want to eat a dog now. I say we eat that one! What? Get him! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'm not Derek Jeter. I like girls. Ugh. Come on, Chris. Girls are terrible. They're always backstabbing and giving each other phony compliments.

Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard! Aw, Man. Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom. Look, I won a balloon! Oh, way to go, Chris. Hey, Where's my watch?

One--One day you--you see your reflection in it, and the next day, it's a--it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah! knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was.

Sorry to interrupt nothing, but, Monkey, do you think you could help me? I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore. Of course, Lois. I'm sure if we can just get them in the same room together, I can convince them to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Then that time you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room. Ok, move the towel. Move the towel. Oh--oh--Oh! They spotted me. Peter, I think this'll be good for you.

You forget, I'm the one holding the gun, Brian. And you're gonna do exactly as I say. You mind if I ask where we're going? You'll know soon enough, Brian. The world will know soon enough. I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol. I don't mind not knowing What I'm headed for

Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

would like to plow you. I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know...

But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS)

But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back.

More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo. Well, not if I have anything to say about it! I am going to make sure this never sees the light of day. Peter, are you crazy? Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing, but this is a multi-million-dollar film. And he's a very powerful man. He could have us arrested or--or killed.

Well, my science class is taking a field trip to the water purification center. And? And it costs $10 for lunch and the bus. Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10? Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do?

I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

The place is packed. How are we gonna figure out who has your credit card? I got it, Brian. Smell my ass. What? Smell my ass. It's where I keep my wallet. Get the scent and then find the guy that smells like me. Peter, that's ridiculous. Come on, boy, get the scent. Cut it out! Get a good sniff. That's disgusting. You're an idiot, you know that? Wait a minute. (SNIFFING) Your wallet's over there.

Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns. The murderer won't leave the camp. What? What are you talking about? He's feeding. He killed twice and he's gonna do it again. He's got plenty of places to hide out there and a fully stocked corral of victims.

What's your name, sweetie?

Any attack made by the rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. That is fantastic, terrific work. So no weaknesses at all?

Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt.

You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (BOTH SNARLING)

It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? Yeah. All right. You're free. Wow! Can you give me my job back? No. Yes. All right!

Ooh! This looks like fun! It says I have cancer. We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg. Hey, Stewie, you better come down. The party's about to start.

I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz. Hello, I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin. You're in him. Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service?

Brian, do you really think Loretta is beautiful? Absolutely. That's really how I feel. Now, it is true her personality is abrasive. Slightly abrasive. But overall, Loretta is a delightful person, very pleasant to be around and free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore. Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes.

Its effects will become apparent shortly. (CHIRPING)

Ooh! Ooh! Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14. Ohh! It's okay, I'm just happy to be on TV. All right, take her away.

(MEEPING) Well, if you must know, it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please. We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth.

because that's all we talk about. Well, I'm also into football. Don't care. No time for F.B. All about S.O. Make no mistake, Florida is the South's trash can. Boy, these eggs are delicious. Good job, Lois. Good job, local hen.

(GASPS) Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things.

I treated you so badly, but I hope you know it was only because I wasn't myself. I didn't just lose my memory. I lost my mind. Clear! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home!

Gentlemen, I have gathered you all here today because you are the creators of what television used to be before I ruined it.

Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V. if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm.

Really? Wow, thanks, Mom. Meg in low-riders. Enough of that.

(HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head.

I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left! No, that's not it. That's just more wall. PETER: How many eyes do you have, huh? FLY: Just two, same number as you, but you know... I'm not... PETER: Just go! Oh, my God! FLY: Whatever it is you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs.

She and Mayor West never would've made it. Oh, yeah? Well, nobody believed we'd make it, and look at us now. I drink, and you use sex as a weapon. That seems to me like a successful New England marriage. Oh, come on, Peter. My parents may have been against our relationship, but a lot of people supported us.

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian,

Up yours, young people. You and your rock and roll 8-track tapes! I don't believe this. I just lost a $50 bet. You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife. But there's nothing funny about that. (LAUGHING) undefinedHi, guys. We're back from the mall. " got new shoes.

Oh, no. I'm sorry, that's--that's rain. Yes. It'll rain. Remember, the number-one cause of injury during a hurricane is broken glass. So stay away from the windows. And Peter, put those away. Aw, come on, Lois. Just one more sonG.

If you're really sincere If you're really sincere If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right! Oh, baby! Oh, honey! Hug me! Suffer!

I will not allow this opportunity to go to waste. Hey, Lois, how was your day? Terrible. I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot. (HARMONICA PLAYS BLUES RIFF) Peter, I'm serious. I ran right over the soft part of the face. I had to run away.

That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out! Wait! We can work this out! Jeez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic.

What? But he is. ...n't. My God! This is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.

Ah! Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker! It's a fake. It's not real. I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back.

It is so hot out there! How hot is it? Oh, I don't know. Like, around 98, 99. I don't get it. Ew, I think I'm a little sweaty.

Well, at least I didn't get robbed. (DOOR OPENS) And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today? I got to say, Meg, I like you so much better like this. Me, too, Meg. God, it must have been horrible in there.

Move that bus! (CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance!

Come on, guys. Really? Let's go. What the hell's going on up there? (SNORING) What? Yep. Yep.

"and her butt looked like this." Everybody see this? Everybody see how shapeless this is? She walked out of there with a bag of soil on each shoulder. Now, before I show you this next one, has anyone here ever heard of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally?

All right. The machine has been repaired. Now all I've got to do is isolate the cause of the acceleration curve and see if I can duplicate the shock wave. What's the matter? I've regressed to my pre-ambulatory stage. I can no longer walk! My God, Stewie, you look terrible.

At hurts! Good. All right. We good to go?

Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.

where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other. T-R-E-E. Tree. Correct. We're now down to our final two competitors, Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate."

Hey, now, Joe's right. There's a million of them. They gotta be coming from somewhere. Somebody's got to be making these things up. Well, who? I don't know. But haven't you ever wanted to find out? Well, yeah, but how would anyone do that? A quest, Joe. We go on a quest to find the source of the world's dirty jokes. Who's with me? Well, I'm with you.

Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

Today we're going to learn about the letter "T." I've got something to say, Mother Maggie. You do? Well, maybe that can wait till later, Mary. No, I think this needs to come out now. You see, I didn't move to Jolly Farm from the big city to be around animals.

That's our Byron. Great. Then we're good to go. Absolutely. Totally. So, we're done. Look, since we're playing with house money, we do have one more guy. What? Oh, don't worry. He's not Byron. Somebody upstairs threw out a name, got real excited about it, so we're just playing the game. Okay, so who?

Yeah, they also have stork startling. Squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety! (LAUGHING) Your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence. (SIGHS) This is so wonderfully peaceful.

Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me? I'm sorry, Meg. I had to tell them! Don't give him crap for this, Meg. He did exactly the right thing by coming to us. Don't you know what kind of fire you're playing with, dating a prisoner?

I don't like change! Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard.

(GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today. All right, I'll see you later. All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this.

I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right. ahh!

It's hardly a date. Oh, yeah? You want to see? I'll call her right now and ask her out to dinner. Hey, Denise? It's me. Brian. Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking...

You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief. Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you.

Nathan Lane! We got wasted at the bar, and he ended up asking me to marry him, so I convinced this minister to do the job, but the joke's on Nathan Lane, 'cause gay people can't get married! - They can in this state, Peter. - Oh. Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's. God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated!

(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do?

Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure! No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it!

Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this. You're on TV, Mr. Tucker. Can't you do something about this? Well, Peter, I'm flattered you came to me for help. We'll have more after this. Good evening. We're back. Peter, to answer your question, if you want to control content, you'd have to start your own television station.

(ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

I got one that'll stump you. Ahh... Of course you're probably not really into tibia... Trivia! Ahh... Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter... Ahh... Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh... You only have one leg, sir.

Did you know he knew 19 guys who died on 9/11? I mean, what are the odds? Peter, I think you joined a terrorist sleeper cell. What? That's crazy.

ALL: Aw! MAN: I hate it here! Well, this crowd was promised an author. No! Oh, well. I guess I should be getting back to my dorm anyway. I've got a short story due for my creative writing class tomorrow. Oh, creative writing, huh? Well, if you'd like me to look it over before you turn it in, I'd be happy to. Really? (GIGGLES) That'd be great.

Quiet down! You had your chance!

(SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God!

Agreed, Peter. We got a letter from Chris! Okay, he says he's doing great, having a wonderful time. He met a girl. He got married? He says he's not coming back.

A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you!

All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass. I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in.

Get it? Tooth hurty? (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch! I had a mouthful of coffee! God, you are funny, and that is real! Okay, Peter, Lois did great. You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again. Big chair.

People, you are free! (PEOPLE CHEERING) You know, I'm very glad you're here, Patrick. Well, I want to tell you that Marian and I both appreciate what you've done. Marian? Oh, you have a girlfriend.

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck?

Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one. Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up.

Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks. Lois, this pasta, better than Italy. It's just my Noodle Caboodle. I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust, though.

Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose!

- And J. Geils. - What? Nothing. There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall! Oh, hey, I meant to ask you did you ever find out what that button on my bureau was from?

Well, Come on! Ugh! What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover. Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse?

From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this.

What am I gonna do? I'm really nervous about my date with Ellen tonight. I mean, I want to impress her, but what if I mess things up? Come on, Chris, it's just a matter of getting off on the right foot. First things first. Let's get you looking sharp.

Peter, may I use your restroom? I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort. Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!

Look, if my happiness means so little to you all that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke, then you really disappoint me. Look, Brian, I apologize for the other night. We were all very insensitive. And if this is what you want, we as a family support your decision. I don't. I'd rather you marry a... (STAMMERING)

(ALL SCREAM) What the hell?

We found this tape among Mr. Weed's personal effects with instructions that it be screened immediately following his funeral. Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night.

It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me Except for you. You can touch me.

You came unarmed? As we agreed. Admirable. But foolish! Ahh! It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary.

Well, as we say in the radio business, "If you put that on the radio, people will listen to it." Make him part of the show. You don't want him. He's not really a professional like me. Listen, you get that kid in here. We need more laughs on the show. (SIGHS) Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family. (GRUNTS)

Not sure I like chiseled quads so close to a vagina.

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? Well, there's Smiley McGee. Hello. CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter. GINA: And Chris Griffin. Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass.

Those are different lost boys.

You're under arrest. No, you're under arrest. (BOTH GIGGLING)

I call to order the first meeting of the We Hate Broads Club.

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now. Fine.

Meg is my least favorite of all your children. It's all right. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? Okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive,

(SIGHS) So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday? Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good. PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire. - Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going.

Peter, I thought we agreed, no T.V. until his homework is done. Mom, I'll do it after-- Um, uh, Chris finished his homework. In fact, I've been helping him study every night this week. Really? Well, that's great. Enjoy your show, boys. You bet we will. Tonight, Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore.

How's he gonna know what we're saying? How's he gonna know what we're saying? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Yeah, I hired him for the night. It costs, like, $2.50 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation. ...so don't skimp on the conversation That sounds nice.

I... I don't get it.

Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Peter! I had a juice before we left.

LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

What the hell was that about? Who were those guys? I don't know, but I'll tell you this. I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend. You think they were following us? Either that, or they got a grudge against our back windshield. Joe, that's so dumb.

I am so sorry, you guys. This is all my fault. It's okay, Lois. I know you tried your best to make things right. Well, since I ain't got no brother to play army guys with, I might as well go to The Clam. Hey, Quagmire, it's me. Meet me at The Clam in 20. That sounds great, Peter, but I can't right now.

Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian. It operates according to the laws of physics, but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no laws of physics. Watch.

Atta girl! Shake your money-maker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Oh, my God! It's a chick! All right, everybody! This party's over! Hey, Why do you cops always have to kill our buzz?

This Tom Tucker bunny

Oh. Well, good thing I made this plaster mold of your hand and forearm. Hey, buddy! Over here! I see a woman's hand and forearm at table eight! Damn it, Peter! Please, Lois! Come on, you got to fight her! - It's gonna be great! - Come on, Lois! Get in there! - Come on! - Take her down! It'll be awesome! I'd really like to see that. (SIGHS) All right, all right.

Huh? An alien in a grass skirt juggling torches. Yeah. All right, you're all done. Go. Come on, Stewie. Time for bed. Get a job! Peter, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad. Lois, you're not gonna believe this.

I wouldn't comment on it! We were all there. We know what happened.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.

Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working. Great. You can teach me how to drive. Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead. There's a big world out there just waiting for us to grab it by the short hairs! Damn! Let's go.

She's gone, Jillian's gone. Look, Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend? And then he got another one, and everything was all right?

- Are you into guys in wheelchairs? - Not really. Oh, that's too bad, 'cause my son's in a wheelchair.

Oh. Uh... $140,000. $150,000. Brian, that sounded like Peter. Hey, Come here, you!

Evidence, Brian. I'm gonna find just the right piece of incriminating evidence to bring down this company.

Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page. What the... How did you... (EXCLAIMS) This is silly fun.

All right, on a normal night in the Pewterschmidt mansion, there might be as much as $6 million in the vault alone. But this Saturday is the Pewterschmidts' annual "Bring all your cash and put it in our safe" party.

Of course, of course.

I know what you're about, Mr. Herbert: free labor, and I'm not into it. Chris, you have to choose. It's either Franz or me.

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff.

but, Monkey, do you think you could help me? I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore. Of course, Lois. I'm sure if we can just get them in the same room together, I can convince them to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Damn New Yorkers!

Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead.

Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie, honey, where are you? Peter, I can't find him anywhere. STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Mommy?

- Yeah, I could get in on that. - All right! Here it comes! Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny! - You can both suck my ridges. - Get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis. Boy, I tell you, Brian, James Woods has been getting kind of obsessive... ever since you and me started hanging out again.

Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. Oh, god! Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me with thine sweet, searing arrow? Stomach, cease thy lustful quake.

as a man with no more options, will you take a look in my ass? (SIGHS) Despite everything that's happened, I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic oath. All right, drop your pants. Oh, well, this is nothing, just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection.

Ok. Ok. all right. All right. Lois, uh, I'm gonna go to the store now. Ok? Here I go. Da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da

How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Roll over. Roll over, I say! Smells like cheese.

Lois Griffin is a slut. What? Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. Someone we can trust.

had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Uh--uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.

Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward. Um, okay.

(SIGHS) Charmese won't give me a divorce because she doesn't believe I'm gay,

(ALL EXCLAIMING) BOTH: Awesome!

My God, Joe is running us ragged. Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper. A pallet? Am I reading this right? You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"? Where the hell am I supposed to... (STUTTERING) And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"? Is that... What is that...

You're so observant, aren't you? Are you a detective? Yes, my gums are sore! Enough of this! I must complete my time machine, move time forward, and end this agony! Hey, Dad. Mom says she was really on last night. Yeah. About that. Lois, see, the guys were just being polite.

You guys, don't you think I'm a little old for the Teen Choice Awards? I mean, I turned 18 today. Oh, come on, Meg. You always used to love the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you.

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!

One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good, then. Friends, family, and characters random, to bring you joy and laughter in tandem,

(STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right! Oh! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now!

All right, here goes nothing.

I don't understand, John. The groundskeeper said he saw the mummy burning the flag. But mummies don't hate America. They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.

I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman. You're just saying that. No, I'm not. The only thing that matters is how I feel about you. Rita, I love you. I love you, too, Brian.

Ah, I can't believe you're serving a 3-year sentence, it seems so harsh. Well, The only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I--I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine.

We love you, Meg. I love you, too. Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here.

He said he'd think about it. Okay, so where were we? Okay. f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy.

MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You...

What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead!

Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench?

It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line.

and you don't know anything about running a big business.

Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now.

Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse.

Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference. You must be Peter. Joe Swanson. Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, Phil. You got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too. So, don't think you always have to bug me.

No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)

I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there.

(GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING) All right, now, I've been trying to figure out something we can do together, and I think I've found it. We're gonna sing a song. Now, I'll start, and when I point to you, you'll sing your part. Ready?

It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with, and your family-- Shh, It's on.

causing World War III.

Can we please talk about Peter?

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Security is launching a full-scale investigation into the genealogy records of every single one of our employees. This man will be found, and there will be dire consequences. Too bad about that Chinese guy, huh?

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. Wait, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. Do you think they're all right? (STAMMERING) I'm not sure. And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

I can see an Arby's through the trees.

In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years.

Oh, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue. I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid.

I'm sorry, kids. I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor.

Well, there it is, kids. Your first marquee. Meet you inside. Pretty exciting. What? The marquee or the other thing? Oh, What other thing?

All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father... that we're here for his band's first performance. The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Ouahog... Fat, Horny, Black and Joe. - Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter.

Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool! We are going right to the top together! Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money!

Now teach me how to find love. All right. Fine. But you lick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.

(CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! Just use a dish towel! There aren't any, Brian!

Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid. (SHOUTING) What?

there's 4 tickets and one of them's gone, that--that--that-- that leaves...

Any kind of disabled chick, Peter. They can do things to you that regular chicks don't even think of. Besides, you know me. I'm into a lot of different stuff. What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right.

- There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry. I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached. What's all the commotion?

Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? I think They had a meeting about it last night. Why wasn't I told? Well, They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so y-you didn't, uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

It's here. The uranium lab is in here. - Where'd you get that thing? - Up your ass. What? What? STEWIE: Hey, fellows. You want to get a free caricature?

Hey, Brian, when you're done, can I make a pirate hat? Here, just take it. I look awesome. All right, I got to go to a wedding. I'll see you later. Oh, my God, that is fantastic news!

Oh, my God, Meg! Wonder what music they're gonna use for her? (FAIL MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) Seems about right.

Okay, it's a movie. All right? Movie. Movie. Peter, there's no talking in charades. Okay, sorry, sorry. Okay. (WHISPERS) Movie. Peter! Sorry. Sorry. (MUMBLING) Okay, one word. Peter, you're still talking! Okay, okay. Right, right, right.

Work's not supposed to be fun.

I don't arrest cripples. (SCREAMING) By the way, you're under arrest. I only said that last thing 'cause it seemed cool. Oh, my God, that was so awesome. I saw everything. You were all like... (TALKING GIBBERISH)

Hey, guys, what is going on? No way! Cool! That thing don't bite, do it? Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky. Pick a lane, bitch. (LAUGHS) Isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up!

Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity. That's nothing. Look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory.

Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker? Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here. Would admission of that allow that person to keep it? Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album. Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks! It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig.

So, what do you want on your thigh? I want a skull. Ok. Well, I can draw Kermit the Frog. How about a nice Kermit the Frog? No. I want a skull. Ok, well I'm gonna go ahead and do Kermit the FroG.

That is singing. Peter, there's a candlelight vigil on our front lawn.

And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other. We're all we have. I know. I'll never do anything like that again. Do you think you can ever forgive me? Yeah, I forgive you. (STARTING CAR ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Summer days driftin' away Summer days driftin' away To uh-oh those summer nights To uh-oh those summer nights Oh, well-a, well-a, well-a, uh Tell me more, tell me more Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way. No, no, it should be fine. But, listen, Brian,

(EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal? They should make a tube that sends you right to work That would save a lot of gas But I guess there'd be a lot of tubes Well, that wasn't very good. We're never gonna win that talent show.

I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings

fAce aww. Damn you all! Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please. Uh, Ok. Uh, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me.

Tea, sir? Oh, thank you, Crone.

(TIRES SCREECHING) All right, you know what? This is not working. If you're gonna learn to drive, you're gonna have to practice first.

Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow How was that, Dr. Ditty? Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all.

Came back 45 minutes later, it was gone. Yeah, even school's getting more dangerous. The bullies have been so busy, they're outsourcing their bullying to India. MAN ON PHONE: Okay, do you see the back of your underwear in the mirror? Yes. Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can. Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Look at that one! Look at that one there! Look at that other one! (SCREAMING) We're gonna get pulverized out here! Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

Oh, hey, Brian, back from a hot booty call with your idiot girlfriend.

Han, we need you. Oh, really? "We" or "I"? What do you mean? You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss. Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei. Hello. (CHUCKLING)

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side.

Hmm. Mrs. Griffin, let me show you some pictures he drew in class. Notice anything unusual? I sure do.

Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy, the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing.

Oh, Peter, there you are. This is my brother Patrick. Yeah, yeah. Good to meet you, Patrick.

Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS! I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you!

I can think of quite another place They should've stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific.

Oh, worth it. Totally worth it. - Hey, you still awake, Lois, honey? - Dad?

- Okay. - What's that? You think you're better than me? What? No. I didn't say that.

(LAUGHING) Who didn't, right? So, what are you two up to tonight? Well, we really haven't decided yet.

And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the "oodmay" but Brian won't "amscray." - Peter... - Ok, Ok, Ok. Look. The point is, he's a member of our family first and a dog second. And I'm real sorry I forgot that, buddy. Sometimes we all need a second chance.

Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here! (GASPS) Oh, my God! I know, about the water, right? Wow, cool.

(LAUGHING) (GROANS) Oh, Dad, I think this is Mr. Quagmire's driveway. Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees? Well, there's a lot of trees around here.

they want to give me their most prestigious award. Mmm. Look, this is a really big deal. It'd be nice to get some support around here. Oh, I'm sorry, Brian. That's great news. Yeah. What channel will the awards ceremony be on? Oh, are they having an awards ceremony for how well you did the dishes last night? Ha! You got nothing going on.

Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you! Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!

Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards! Well, it's--it's not an instrument! It's more of an object! But it's blunt! Hard and blunt! And, well,

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. What the hell's wrong with him? Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm.

You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

JEFF: Shut up, bitch! Hey, you know what they say. See a broad, to get that booty, yak them. BOTH: Leg her down and smack them, yak them. Cold got to be. (BOTH CHUCKLING) Shit. If you'll excuse me,

Which way should we go? I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle.

Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie.

Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

Pizza Parlor, huh? Yeah, the group loves this place. Oh, hey. This is fine. I like this place. It's... I'm a pizza dawg.

Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady.

I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of Pulp Fiction. No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise.

but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um... I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know? 'Cause I mean, what else is she doing right now? I don't think he's got the leverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore. I mean, that's... That's where it's gotten.

Chris, honey, what's wrong? Anna took a dump on me. What? Yeah, she broke up with me. Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say. What's the difference? Well, what you said first was... Well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much,

Oh, God, Peter. I hope Ben would forgive us for what we did. Look, we needed to eat, the same way birds need to fly. What do you mean, you don't have our names on there? My wife and I absolutely have to be on this flight. I'm doing the best I can, sir.

Well, the harmonica's up there pretty good.

You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip.

you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine. Trust me, you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways. Like what?

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High. They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo! Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now.

Dr. Kaplan thinks the, uh,

Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach? Uh, $12 for coach. Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine.

I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!"

"zero hour "9:00 a.M. "And i'm gonna be high "As A kite by then

You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

Hey, Stewie, wake up. We're here. We're at the North Pole. What? North Pole?

Nice job, man! Wow! That was really brilliant. Thanks. Just glad this nightmare is over. And I'm really glad I didn't kill the wrong Stewie. Yeah, me, too. Hey, come on, I'll take you home. (EVIL LAUGHTER)

I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat. Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!

You lose! Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there.

Briggs' FBI profile says the only relationship he's maintained over the years is with a stripper named Tanya. Tax records show she currently works at a club in Atlantic City. So that's our first stop. Is there touching at the club? (STAMMERS) I don't know, Peter. Maybe. Okay, this is good, this is good. I'll be sure to pack my blammin' jeans.

I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic! Hello. I was there, see? (SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner.

You're not going to get away this time, you son of a bitch. Please, don't kill me. I'm not married. My life is awesome. I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to lift yourself into a wheelchair every morning? To have your wife look at you like you're half a man? To get preferential parking?

Come on, we're jumping off the roof. BRIAN: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves! PETER: Don't worry, we can fly. I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy. Either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. (LOUD SNORTING) PETER: Ah! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner! BRIAN: Peter, let go of me! PETER: I need to go find a screwdriver and some lighter-fluid. BRIAN: What? Come on! (SCREAMS)

That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months.

I have no son! Except for Stewie. and Meg! Ahh! I had a dream It's all about you Meg Griffin Not much you can do

What if we made your place our new spot? Joe, that's a great idea. Fantastic. We'll see you tonight. This is awesome. Bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant? This is going to be cooler than that time Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself. But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller,

Brian, have you lost your mind?

Gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the David Hyde Pierce incident. And as you know, one call equals a billion people. Which means 20 billion people were offended by this. Needless to say, something must be done. Perhaps we should ask the chairman. Good idea.

(RETCHING) (CRYING) Look, I know it's an inconvenience, but it's a wonderful gift to be able to give someone, so I am going through with it. Well, I support you, Lois. I think it's great what you're doing.

You want me to kill myself and you're not going to. - You suck. You suck. - You suck. Hey, Stewie, there's something thunking around in the trunk of my car... and I can't get in there 'cause somebody busted the lock. You have any idea what that's about?

Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

I have been entrusted to pass judgment upon others. Everybody gets called for jury duty, you stupid idiot. I've been called! The only reason you've never been called is that they use the voter registration list, and this past election is the first time you ever voted. I've voted before. I stuffed the ballot box at the Oscars. And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are,

Tomorrow, high school. Finally, We go to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for 60 seconds of filler. Thanks, Tom. I'm here on Spooner Street Where several quahog families are holding a car wash to raise money for an organ transplant for young Paul Lewis. so, What do you call this device, Paul? It's an iron lung. It keeps me from dying.

Peter, do we have to watch this? This is what rednecks watch, Brian. Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah!

and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.

Where am I taking you again? You know what? Drop me off at the Marriott. I could use a drink. Jack on the rocks, please. Hey, here's to exciting, new opportunities on the Internet.

How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal?

You deserve a gentleman. Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay. It's just my penis.

Well, I'm enjoying you, too, Jerome. Welcome to the clan. I mean, I'm glad we got to hang. I mean, you're a good negro. - No, I... - Relax, man. I like you, too. Okay, yeah, that's all I was trying to... Yeah, good evening. Thanks for the lift home, Jerome.

Hello? Lois, I'm at the gym. I hate it here. I want to come home. Everybody's so mean. And there's this one guy who follows me around and calls me fat.

(ANNE MURRAY SINGING OVER STEREO) All right, Rupert, you ready to get lost in some Anne? Gentle breezes where the peaceful waters flow Spread your tiny wings and fly away And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day

Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC. (SHUSHING) Lois, Lois, let's watch The Brady Bunch. Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen? (GIGGLES) Well, Cindy, I guess it's true that big things come in small packages.

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister.

Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick.

This is also a knife. Oh. Well, I'll be on my way. I want to see more of him, and then suddenly none of him. Forever. (TIRES SCREECHING) All right, you know what? This is not working.

(ALARM WAILING) (MAN SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Well, it sounds like I'm needed outside.

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

What's he doing coming out of Michael Moore's house at this hour? Unless... Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's true! Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh! And I just laid in dog poop. That's not dog poop. Sorry, we've been out here a long time.

(BEEPING) What the hell? Oh, my God! We're going down. (ALL SCREAMING) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

"Ooh, Is it on straight? I don't know." Boo! Why, you little snot-nosed-- Mr. Griffin! He plays kickball in the park after School. Get him there. So, Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again?

We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. Oh, there's the cute prom couple. Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon? Actually, I thought I was pretty clear... Of course, it's okay. Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends.

My days in college were so exciting. This one time the National Guard came and shot some of my friends.

Oh, my God! (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel! She was so young. She was so beauti...

Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

I came to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

(PANTING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES)

Honey, have you seen Stewie? I can't find him anywhere.

Why haven't you sent for help?

That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own, Brian Griffin. This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called, holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da.

And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that. Hey, you guys. Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while. What? What? Wow, Mom, is that a new purse? Yeah, that looks pretty expensive. Well, don't tell anybody, Brian, but I was a little naughty.

Hey, Lois, give me a penny. You're not gonna throw it over the edge, are you? No. Yes.

Somebody help him! Oh, Gay! You were right, Peter. It was Natalie Wood.

What are we supposed to be doing again? We're looking for Muriel Goldman, honey.

Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder. Nope.

We... We had the radio on and they were talking about some goofy stuff. So, what are you... What are you guys drinking?

Nice. Brian, what are you doing? Oh, geez, Stewie. Scared the crap out of me. Whatcha got there? (SIGHS) Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone. All right? You have to be really cool about this. Yeah, of course. These are mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug.

Maybe a more specific way. I'm the lone ranger. Yeah! You said it! (LAUGHS) Hey, your name wouldn't happen to be Rick, would it? No, it isn't. It's just too much to ask. Too much to ask. (SOBBING) Stewie, are we gonna die?

Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests. I need some urine. You mean right now? Yes, right now. Here's some magazines to get you going. Uh, how's that gonna... Oh, sorry. It's been awhile. Look, I don't really feel comfortable doing this in front of you.

and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents. There are plenty of things that are much worse for children than television. Like when Peter babysat for the neighbor's kid. All right, I couldn't find your toys, so why don't you just play with this blow dryer and these rattles? Guess that's it. You probably want me to get out of your hair.

Come on, everyone. The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start. Mary, have you seen Nicholas? He's up in his room sulking, Dad. Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards. Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich. Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.

Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final. It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this. I mean, a British football team can't be that bad.

Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy, or just coming back from a colonoscopy. The fuck's going on down there?

Oh, What other thing? You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first? Well, It's obvious. You know, Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera. So, the sex was good? Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass! Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

(MUSIC CONTINUES) Look into your heart, babe

Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I say, constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle. Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!

(BRAKES SQUEALING) See? (TIRES SCREECHING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Oh, crap, they're taking her onto that yacht.

Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life. I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well?

I'm going to play this really loud tonight to get back at our Armenian neighbors.

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton.

Hey, do you guys think this outfit is too revealing? What do you think, Brian? I mean, what do you think of the ta-tas? Can we do better? I think we can do better, right? What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments and naked they would be, like, mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro.

So, listen, Quagmire,

So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up, what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner...

Finally. Look, Mom, I've had it. I am not baby-sitting anymore. It's Saturday night, I could be out having a life. Meg, if you don't want to baby-sit anymore. that's fine. But don't you stand there and lie to me. Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass. Why can't you just hire a real baby-sitter?

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?

Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family.

Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night.

(FART) MAN ON TV: We now return to Britain's most popular game show... (BRITISH AUDIENCE READING OUT) Do go ahead, then. Oh, no, you first. Wouldn't dream of it. Too kind, really, I insist. Wouldn't be proper of me.

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Oh, no! (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

Oh, amen. By the way, I just want to remind everybody...

Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning. Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup?

You're a big, fat phony!

I own a cinder block yard. Have over 12,000 cinder blocks. If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price. Thank you. I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.

Peter, The float turned out great. Yeah, Our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how get us free cabLE. We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh.

So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at The Clam? Sorry, Peter. I can't make it tonight. I have a date. Dad!

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

You know what? I know we have a dangerous job to do here, but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch. PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three.

First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street! JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all,

I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom,

Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

Suspect's getting belligerent.

It's done. Got some dessert for you. You gotta be kidding me. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up. I do. I do like throw-up. All right, now let's get this diaper back on you. There's just one part left.

Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family.

Hey, Paw, you're late. You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull! I came here 'cause I wanted to get Denise back and instead, you ruined my life!

Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast!

Wait! You can't go. Uh, After dinner, we usually go into the living room and, uh, live for another 40 or 50 years. 40 or-- Let's go. I guess this is good-bye. Meg, you're the man of the family now. Be strong.

Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

He's a family guy

(SOBBING) It's just so horrible. I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right.

When this is over, we can get some ice cream. Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you.

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) Wow, this place is really cool, Mahmoud. It's like ear-bloodening sounds had sex with nose-bloodening smells and this is their baby. I am glad you are enjoying yourself. Would you like some of my meat fooshnoosh?

Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.

And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg."

You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...!

Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.

And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it. I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY)

Peter! What is our infant son doing up on the roof? STEWIE: There's a raccoon up here. Yikes! Looks like I need a distraction. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC)

Time of birth, 11:34 a.m. Come on, Brian, hurry. (ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No!

Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores. Better there than here where all my stuff is. So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11? Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones. Pee-yew!

Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING)

I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.

Just thinking about it makes me all giddy, like a group of women ordering dessert. And then we have a chocolate, chocolate cake that's infused with chocolate served with chocolate ice cream and a molten chocolate topping. We'll have one of those with four spoons. More like four of those with one spoon for me! (LAUGHING)

(SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON RADIO) I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh! For the love of penis. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly...

Computer on. 30 minutes before ship re-expansion. Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Cut.

No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night.

Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does. All right, here goes. Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful. (TOILET FLUSHES) (BOTH SCREAMING)

Now, son, Your parents are on their way. But since time is a factor here, we'd like to get a positive I.D. as quickly as possible. Are you sure he can't see me? Absolutely, Chris. You're 100 percent safe. Okay, that's him. Number 6. Hi. Uh, Excuse me, you guys.

Thank you, sir! Ladies, this Saturday at 0-800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your obedience. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie. Why not, dear?

Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

You're telling me that doesn't sound like Camptown Races? Not one bit. Do Short People!

Just take it off Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable!

It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this? Falcon Crest? Oh, it's Dynasty. Oh! Yeah, I didn't watch that.

Well, Brian, I thought about what you said at the park, and I've decided you're right. I have gone soft. I've lost my sadistic streak. So I've built a concentrated neural enhancement device, designed to boost my evil side.

That's so high. Isn't that high? It seems so high. Oh, This is interminable! I demand to know why you insist on taking me everywhere you go! I mean, Really! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself? Great party, Griff. Girls, you know Jimmy Caan.

Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long-- There's a dog turd in here. Oh--oh, Lois. What? Jump!

Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.

Come on. Football! Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Boy, I hope Lois is watching. Ok, taxpayers, here you go!

Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.

You shall not pass.

I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

We're watching Republican stars Like sweet Mickey Rourke and his gorgeous right-wing scars Chuck Norris is one And he's got a right-wing beard Jon Voight is another He's just right-wing weird His daughter's pretty hot, though. At one time, Brian. At one time.

Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union. And what exactly are your demands? We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge? Yes. We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home. No.

Interesting. I never saw that movie. Hey, You know one of them was papier-mache, right?

Um, actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody. I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the dark side. I got pages of these, I could go on. Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano. I'm the intern for this floor. You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

at the Miss USA Pageant? Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free.... You know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, maybe we could.... Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you.

I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" You know, you're gonna be fucking dead in five seconds if Aunt Frieda doesn't throw a pie at somebody! I mean, part of that is you sort of have to know my...

Oh, My God! Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like. Whoa, Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal.

So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England. I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.

Ow! Ow! Yeah, that's right, "Ow." Now, you swallow that. Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted. - I said swallow it! - (GULPS) Now, smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open. Look at yourself, you filthy whore. (GRUNTS)

(ROBOT SPEAKING) Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, and leave me alone. It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. You let the fat man talk you into moving out.

I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible. You're not gonna get away with this, Mr. Googlesearch. Oh, but I think that I will. You two know my secret.

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men.

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Hang on there, Quagmire. Just because these few guys are terrorists doesn't mean all Muslims are. Every ethnic group has their nut-jobs. We have the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and even that fat guy at the Atlanta Olympics who didn't do it, but he looked mean, so we said he did. Joe, you don't get to talk about the regular Olympics.

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow! MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP)

Come on, l-Let's sit down and talk about this. I want to believe you, but-- Ugh! Gotcha! But--But seriously, you can trust me. Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you. Oh, Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind. Can I touch your bum once? huh? Now I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash,

- Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter. One, two, three, four....

Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States.

like walking a floral arrangement through an office full of fat women. Is there a Miss...es? (ALL SIGH IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says-- Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya! I can feel all the bones in your ass! Hya! Hya! Oh, come on, Come on.

One of these days... Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon. Oh.

Hey, everybody. Look what came in the mail. We got invitations to Jillian's wedding. Jillian's wedding? She's getting married? Wow, that's great! Looks like she finally found someone after dating that last loser. She dated someone after me? No. See how I set up my own joke? You walked right into it, Brian!

I realize I put a lot on you. I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this. But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time. Wow. Well, all I want is for you to be happy. You're my dad. And if you're happy, I'm happy for you.

Then it's straight to the bars to find loose women to have sex with. Then it's straight to the gym for three hours of crunches and extended eye contact with strangers. Peter! Oh! Don't give me that look, Tony. That's exactly what you said. I said it right back to you.

We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets.

(THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING ON TV) This concludes our broadcast day.

That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.

Don't listen to him! That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing! Here I go, down the slope. Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob. Stop it! Stop applauding him! He's not even using real words anymore!

that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time. And where would I fit in with the fun time? Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird.

Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe. But you can't leave now. You're a natural leader and we... Hey. Did you guys order some ice? 'Cause I got a bag of ice here. Thought you might need some ice.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

She's a Killer Queen Gunpowder, gelatine Dynamite with a laser beam Guaranteed to blow your mind Anytime Recommended at the price Insatiable an appetite Wanna try?

Piss off, you perverted old freak! Oh, we got a fighter.

Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

How was school? Uh, Good. Kevin walked me home. Kevin? He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.

Swanson, what the hell's going on in here? I'm sorry, Chief. I just can't let them bulldoze this building. Hey, Joe, is this the same chief whose wife is a real hog? Swanson, don't be a fool. You really want to throw away your career on this? Guys, your bar is gone.

You know what we should do? We should go over there and shave it.

Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS)

Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

(VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY) (DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY) (LIVELY TUNE BEGINS)

I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive! The end.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Game of Thrones on BET. I got a big-ass coat, chair to sit in, chalice cup of wine and a midget, but I ain't going out there with all them monsters out there!

(COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, for God's sake. Look, do you have any idea how expensive medical school is? No, I don't. Well, it's probably pretty expensive. Lois! We came as soon as we got your call. Oh, Hope, Ben, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this,

One time, I tried out for Little League in my ballet shoes, and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants. (GRUNTS) All right, you kids finish him off.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well.

but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this. Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good?

All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. Now let's get back to our own time. Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet?

A thousand clams, huh? - What the hell? - Ok. Hey, Look at that. I beat my loogie.

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

We're ready. If these signatures are correct, Mayor West is located one-third of a kilometer that way.

God knows he was years overdue.

Hey, Brian, I'm not gonna recycle this aluminum can. I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. Your Earth's bitch.

Frank, there you are. Mia Farrow? What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? Oh, leave me alone. Get over here, young man. Damn it all.

Want to hear it?

Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope.

So, still no luck on the girl front, huh? I know Dad's been trying to help, and I'm trying to listen to him, but nothing seems to be working. Well, I know I asked him to help, but it occurs to me that you've been taking advice from everyone except the one person who matters. What do you want, Chris?

I did it! I killed her! She's dead!

Oh, And if anyone asks, I'm also on smack. Peter, this--this is a detox clinic. You can't vacation here. Why not? This place is way better than a cruise. Y-You should've seen it. I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today. Peter, This isn't a vacation for me.

Hey there, little fella. I'm 48. This whole place is a giant mindfuck. Boy, I've never been in the owner's box. We're gonna get a great view of the track from up here. This is gonna be a great race. Hey, what... What are you doing? Get down there.

laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy Hey, guys! guys, Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky. Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me? I'm with my husband!

And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei!

Now, I'm trying to decide between the tossed spaghetti on a newspaper and the half yogurt with the balled-up tissue in it.

Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage.

Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye. Are you gonna take that? Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah..

HEy, Hey, I'm over here. Hey! Hi, Chris. You know my name? Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg. Oh. Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you,

PETER: Hey, I know the judge said not to run in the hall, but check this out! (PETER LAUGHING) JUDGE: Griffin! Knock it off! PETER: Hey, come on, Judge. Tell us the answer. The Mexican guy did it, right?

Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No!

Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here!

Will you go out with me? I'd love to. Oh, he's gay. You wish! Get out of here, you mouth breather! I'm as good as fired. Where the hell am I gonna find a guy as strong as Guillermo? One time I walked into the locker room, I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed.

She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.

ALL: Kill them! I can't hear you! ALL: Kill them! I can't hear you! ALL: Kill them! Let's just go. Welcome to the Quahog Maritime School, Chris. Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men.

Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.

Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah!

We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be. (BOTH LAUGHING) I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day. Don't frolic too much, Rupert. Save some energy for the hula contest.

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

You're both good guys. And that's why it's important for you to reconcile your differences. I wasn't able to do that, and that's why I wound up living in a closet for nine years. Chris, I know you're angry, but do you really hate your father? No. I just think he's a douche. Sometimes he is. And, Peter, do you really hate your son?

after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge, tragically killing all the teenagers on board. Many of the students Tweeted about the accident as it was happening. We have a few here. From @Jenny94, "Water seriously cold, yo." Here's @TheTed69, "I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK."

Brother? Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care. I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us. But what would I tell him is going on with us?

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS.

This... This is the guy.

Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS)

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you.

Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin! Dear God, this is where we're sleeping? Oh, Come on, Lois. They said they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow.

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die. (GROWLING) Then the reindeer eat them, which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a bloodlust for elf flesh.

Get some! Get some! Guys, we were freaking electric. Yeah, they loved us. Gentlemen, this is a sign.

Well, hi, you guys. I'm so glad you could come over. Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida. Hello, everyone! Hello, Ida. What's that? I made a crumble. Oh, how thoughtful. (SOFTLY) Throw it away in the outside garbage.

"Who the hell lives here?" All the time. Look at this place. I mean, what's going on? There's an adult with a lemonade stand. That Chinese restaurant still has the sign from when it was a mechanic. I don't want to eat lo mein where they were just changing mufflers. There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life up there. What a mess.

Meow! - Morning. - Ah! Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have? Mr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live. Ahhh! But, hey, what the hell do I know? Ha. I've been-- I've been sued by every patient I ever had. Look at the size of this file. This is--This... Heh.

Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles.

Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought you were a regular person. Where's the shampoo? What the hell? (INDISTINCT TALKING)

Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Hey, you remember a few months ago when you scored that date with that Victoria's Secret model and then ended up sealing the deal? Oh, yeah. That was amazing. What was the date of that? August 15th. August 15th! You betcha!

if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away. But Wait a minute. I thought guns were bad. False! Guns are good. in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three. Hey! What you doing down there, Lois?

Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father.

What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan. No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up.

Hey, you know, the cat's alone at Quagmire's right now. You know what we should do? We should go over there and shave it. That's a great idea! Let's do it! Let's shave the cat! Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie. MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States!

Peter, calm down. It's his first night of retirement. He's probably out enjoying himself. He's in jail. Dad, my God, are you ok? Don't be using the Lord's name in vain! He's ok! Thank God! It seems he broke into the old mill after hours.

I can't believe we're actually going to New York. Dad, you don't really have to do this. Yes, I do! No boy of mine is gonna get booted out of the Scouts. What the hell do you think you're doing? Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt.

Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. (ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure.

Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop!

Don't worry, Brian, if she is as ugly as I think she is, I'll look at her once, and then I'll go... (IMITATING RETCHING) All over the place. Then you'll wipe it up. and then we will go.

So the square of the hypotenuse, which we will label C, making the sides opposite both of the acute angles A and B Will always equal the sum of the squares of the other sides. Any questions? It's just something I have to do.

Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. (CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS) My petition! What the hell are you doing? I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this. You idiot! Now I'm going to have to get 10,000 more signatures before tomorrow morning. What were you thinking? You don't understand, Brian.

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going.

Room service! We didn't order no room service. Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar. 'Cause, uh, The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers. All right, wise guy, who are you?

Luke! They let you out of jail? Not exactly. He broke out to see me, Brian. We're in love. Meg, are you crazy? You can't harbor a fugitive! That's a felony! Only if someone finds out. Are you gonna do it? Are you gonna tell on me again? Well, I...

Hey, what are you doing with my laptop? Going through your stuff. Why were you getting MapQuest directions to Abigail Breslin's house? I just think she's a one-of-a-kind spirit, and I don't want to see her go down the wrong... What the hell are you doing going through my personal stuff?

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

I can't believe I just showed everyone my tater tots.

I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain! I spent my refund on a plug- in Playmate.

Yeah, I feel bad for him. Oh, don't feel bad for him. He got his name in the paper. What? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) Please look at me! What the hell's wrong with you, Peter? Nothing. What the hell's wrong with you, Swanny? I'm Quags. (CRYING) I don't know who any of you are anymore! Oh, he's really upset.

Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

Well, well, a lost child. Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen.

Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no!

Okay, have her enter. Action! Damn it. Cut! Congratulations, men. You've all passed basic training. I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow morning, when you're all shipped off to Iraq. What? Oh, don't worry.

Take off the mask! That's your problem! Right?

Look, I know I screwed up big time.

Otherwise, he'll assert his right of primae noctis. Oh, no, we're too late. (LAUGHING) I must bless this coupling with my flaccid English penis. CAROL: Oh, no! Oh, my! Come hither, that I may sire thee a dreary Brit!

Guess I'm going for a ride. Why are we stopping? (CHATTERS) Oh, come on. (CHATTERING) (TIRES SCREECHING) For God's sake, Brian. It's just a squirrel.

All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time. Mom, check it out!

All right, now remember, Lando, don't get a single scratch on the Falcon, okay? Look, will you relax? I already said I'll be careful. Well, just make sure you are. That ship's gotten me laid a bunch of times.

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying. Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers.

You folks want some pancakes?

What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time. And where would I fit in with the fun time?

Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone! Hey! Stop it.

That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go.

- Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!

Eight! That's 56 in human years! Okay, Lois. I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter! Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least! Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired. Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian.

You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you! Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before. You're fired!

Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch. Thanks, honey. Oh, Egg salad? Have a good time. I'll try. Hey, Mort. Oh, God! Don't hurt me! Oh, Hi, Peter.

Peter, wait. I--I've been thinking.

Albeit an articulate and charismatic one. But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words. I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go. Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

That's a fine machine, Peter. Peter, how can we afford this? Let's just say the car was a steal. Say that again. The car was a steal. This time without winking. The car was a steal. Wink. Peter. Look, Lois. We had a broken car.

Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink. You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane. (SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather.

Hey, I'm serious, man. Unless you're scared I can take you. Suit yourself, man. Just means you're gonna die slower.

Wait. Wait. I have it. I'm a genius. You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek! I knew it! I knew it. As soon as that show came on the air, I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kidS." It's true. He did say it.

Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire.

- Sure, Chief. - Thank you. Huge. What is it? Well, Chief, I'm here because I want you to put me on the Briggs case. Absolutely not. Come on, Chief! I know everything about Briggs. I'm the only one who can catch him. No, Swanson, you're too close to the case. I'm putting Officers Grant and Casey on it because they're so far from the case, they don't care about it at all.

I've been spoiled by Internet porn. - It's true. - Totally. What do you mean, "Internet porn"? You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos.

Lady Redbush! MADAME CLAUDE: And so Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

(WHIMPERING) Cleveland's old house. Perfect! Damn, no toilet paper. - Hey, Joe, can I borrow this? - JOE: Sure.

And when you spurned my advances, it was a wake-up call. No one's ever gonna love me again. Wait a minute. So that's why you been acting like such a wacky ass around me? It's been so long since I've been with a man, I don't even remember what it feels like. I always imagined it felt very painful.

So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?

I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING) I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Oh, Mort!

You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy!

Well, the election results are pouring in and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me, Diane, when's the last time you heard... Forget it. Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck. Well, folks, this is it. The last of the votes have been tallied, and we're getting the final results in now. Quahog's new mayor is... Lois Griffin!

I wonder what they're all so surprised about. What? You've never seen a handicapped man before? They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe. They're not capable of judgment. And even if they were, who cares? They're whores.

They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best. Well, look who finally got here. (STAMMERING) You beat us?

(VOCALIZING) (EERILY) Peeper... (BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING)

My son got into DeVry.

You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. Are you ready? No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball! Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side.

You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie? (SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.

Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before?

Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, You might want to give that a minute or 2. I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell! But I do it every day. Sometimes twice. Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again!

Peter, there you are. I've been waiting. You ready to have sex? You bet. Move over, so Tiffani and I have room. What? Who the hell is she? She's the woman I'm gonna have sex with tonight. And don't worry about getting me pregnant. I'm already pregnant.

I say, Phineas,

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning.

I'll throw away my striped tie And my best-pressed tweed All I really need is a boy

(GRUNTING) (WHOOPS) (SCREAMING) Thank you.

Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out. Really? I thought he hated you. How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card. He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend. But instead, you're going to show up. You got it.

But what about this farm? And this house? And the lab inside the house, which is currently producing an incredibly volatile and explosive batch of thermo-reactive...

like a snail on the back of a turtle. Slow down! I want to get there, but I want to get there alive!

Trying to get a straight answer out of a 23-year-old girl is complicated. So, do you want to go out some time? Out like go out or hang out, or just do something? Like a date. Like a date date? Or like a date? Both I guess. Yeah, sure, maybe. I don't know. Yes, no. Here's the first three digits of my phone number. E-mail me.

There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes. - It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey.

You gonna eat that stapler? You can't eat a stapler-- Wanna split it?

No, No, not silicone. Silicon. And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty. What a delightful moniker. You see, Misty,

What the... Oh, man. We're supposed to do a show tonight. Where's the audience? I don't see them anywhere. If only they could make some noise to let me know they're here. MAN 1: We're here. Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass!

(ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers.

Here! Play with this! At least you can spend your final moments doing something you enjoy. You know, it's funny, I had actually stopped playing with that toy, but now that I see you with it, I kind of want to play with it again. (GIGGLING) Look at me! I'm mowing the lawn!

Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!

Brian, get back in the car! Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him.

That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart...

Well, I went to three stores to find this shirt. (CHUCKLES) Peter, you've got moxie. I like that. Hey, I've got moxie, too! Watch this! Carmen Miranda Carmen Miranda Was she a singer? Was she a dancer? Nobody knows They just remember the fruit Pewterschmidt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit?

Somebody else will come along and get it right.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM.

I--i play, uh--uh, Rory's motorcycle- driving boyfriend.

Wait, what the hell's he doing? He's supposed to be luring Peter out here. He's not doing anything like that. He's warning him!

And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America.

How is that even.... How you doing that? How you doing that? Oh! Everything here is fantastic. Oh, these clothes.

PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

Ugh! He can't hurt you anymore.

Not even the police. That's right, not a word to anyone. Nobody. Lips are sealed. Ooh! I want to tell somebody. Peter! You shut your mouth! Hey, Mort, I was really sorry to hear about the pharmacy. Oh, thank you, Joe. I was very, very sorry, too. Yeah, Joe. The insurance guy said it was an accident. Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you!

Thanks, Daddy. And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God. And if you're sorry, he'll forgive you. Thanks, Dad! Good for you, Peter. But isn't there someone else you should speak to? Yes, there is. Scarecrow, you've had brains all along.

(MEN GROANING) (CHICKEN SQUEAKS)

JOYCE: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. Happy Turkey Day, Quahog. This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade. We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today, and we're a little wet, as you can see, because, apparently, there are no awnings that exist anywhere. There's your top news story right there. Mysterious awning shortage ravages the Northeast,

Me and my three eggs are having the best time! We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets. Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Bakery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What?

Chris, who are you talking to?

Come on, Cleveland. If we're gonna re-masculate Peter, we need to surround him with chicks! Let's blow this sausage-fest and hit the International House of Tail. No. He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man. That's what this march is all about. Respect for your fellow man.

7-Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what?

(WATER SPLASHING) Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Griffin! What the hell are you doing in my house? Well, I was getting ready to watch a movie on your big TV, but first I thought I'd use your hot, bubbly toilet.

Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE!

For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah! Yeah, You bet your ass I'm right! Y-You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now! Come on! Brian, have you been drinking? No.

And it says this next one is the "Shocking Reveal Gay Float." (GASPING) I had no idea. Hey, check it out. There's an air show. (PLANES WHOOSHING) Oh, my God, they're gonna crash!

Peter, I don't understand how they just let you out of jail. Yeah, Joe had all kinds of evidence against you guys. Seems like a huge miscarriage of justice. I thought if you do something wrong, you're supposed to get punished. (CHUCKLES) Oh, Chris, not if you're white. Well, now that I've wrapped things up with you guys,

Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez. So, how'd Susie like your video? I don't care about her anymore. I'm in love with Bryan Adams. Peter, I want you to promise me you'll never do anything that stupid again.

Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world.

Don't worry, Brian. I think I've got an idea. BOTH: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah! Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find assault rifles? Aisle six. How about a list of known local homosexuals?

I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later.

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls.

Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High. They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married. Bingo! Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg.

You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it. So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not.

(SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING) Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

- You are richest man in the country. - Richest man in the country? Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor King Arthur Griffin. Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone... and prove to me you truly are the sole king of Camelot... I will make love to you right here in the clearing.

(SIGHS) Despite everything that's happened, I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic oath. All right, drop your pants. Oh, well, this is nothing, just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that? SULU: Hello.

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand.

Um... Leia, wow. I didn't get raped. Okay? Okay.

I'm gonna get you fixed up. You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You got to save him!

What about Seamus? You hated James Woods. You told me so! Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today. (SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain. But he didn't wish hard enough! It only worked on me head!

There's my little Lois. What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING)

Um, actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody. I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the dark side.

I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today.

Tell it to Mike Judge.

Peterson, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be down at your job making oblong bricks out of manure and straw?

Could you let me go back in time and be 18 again? What, are you high? No. Coming up next on ESPN, Women's Professional... All right, you win. Let's go. But just for one night.

The midway and the fun

Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't.

Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable. I hate vegetables.

Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump

PETER: And now I play the waiting game. Chris, I saw the body. Premeditated murder is one thing, but I will not have lying in this house. Wait, hold it. Can we finish this after Joan ofArcadia? ls Joan ofArcadia on? All right. Must be good. Enjoyable program.

Hey, Anybody seen Stewie? Yeah. Where is the birthday boy? Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true.

I like her, but we're not really connecting. How long has it been? About 10 months. And how often do you see each other? Couple times a week. Well, why don't you try seeing each other a little more often, and see if you connect a little more? And if not, it may be time to move on. Thanks for calling. This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours, right here on the midnight shift.

Boy, I'm sure getting my money's worth out of this rental car. Okay, all right, I got one.

Mr. Griffin, what did you expect? They have 100 lawyers, and you tried to bribe me with a subscription to Grape Soda Today, which I already have! Case dismissed.

and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud.

minus 4A-C over 2A. That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. You know what that means. A witch! Witch! witch! Witch! Witch! Oh, God! Please tell me I have a brain tumor, and this is all just a side effect from the chemo.

Ha! ha! Ha! now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute, with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.

There is one way, Adzin. You can shoot yourself. If it's the only way, I must. (GUN SHOT) (EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHUCKLES) So, you're doing something with the Internet? I am, I am.

It was my job to keep the children from eating each other. Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy!

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay. Here's a song by a gay guy.

My first choice was Meg Griffin. What? Meg Griffin! She's r--She's right over there in the back. N-no--No, to the left. No, you had it. No, go back--go back. Jeez, got a freakin' monkey working the spotlight! No--no--no, To the right, genius. Th-There. Stop! Stop! That's my dream girl. But I'm not good enough for her,

$675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

What the hell? Oh, for God's sake, where's that white-noise machine? (WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! (SIGHS)

Yeah, I think so. The quahog Cable Television Transmitter. Oh-oh. You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.

What the hell? Who are you? What's that suit on the bed? And what have you done with your gay lover, Rush Limbaugh? (SIGHS) I am Rush Limbaugh. That's a costume. Wait a minute. You mean, all these years, Rush Limbaugh has just been Michael Moore in disguise? Well, it's a little more complex than that. What are you talking about?

Look, Peter, you do what you want to do, but I'm going to that party. My life isn't over. It's just beginning.

I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today. Why would you trip me deliberately? I'm sorry. Dinner's going great. You know, I can probably help you with that elbow. Does that feel better? Yeah! It feels a lot better. Wow! You're the best man ever!

But Dad, the T.V.'s back on. What do you know? Ok, let's go. Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some T.V. together? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go. I'm sick of life. Yeah. My dogs are barking.

I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts. He... He did it to you, too? I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation.

Okay, Daryl, it's almost dry. Very nice, by the way. This one's going on the shelf right next to Dan Fogelberg. Hey, Lois, am I up next? Just wait in your dressing room. I'll come back for you, Oates. I am not coming back for Oates.

This is awesome. We should have our own TV show. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. I shall call you "Eduardo." Peter, how can we afford this? You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting--

Well, So much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop. Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club Card. Wait a minute. I smell barbecue. Mmm. So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom.

Yeah, it was like three years before that. Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban for your approval. Excellent. This is so important, I'm going to sign it with all capital letters. It's going to say, "ADAM WEST." That's what it's going to say, you'll see.

You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting.

Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..."

This isn't about you as a cop. This is about you as a man.

Stewie, step aside. Penelope, I can't let you do this. Stewie, she's one year old. I think I can handle this myself.

How would you like to take a half-pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese? What? I don't... I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. No! It won't be the same! Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us,

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

It's not the front thingee. What's going on in here? Where's Dr. Hartman? He had a family emergency. I'm not really a doctor, but I've been sort of filling in for him. You what? Well, I think I want to go into medicine, so I was shadowing Dr. Hartman. I've actually been learning a lot, but then he just left me here! Well, you don't belong here!

I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later.

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. What about the prequels?

Uh, But I'm not afraid to go there. And, uh, I can be sexy. Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny. Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you. Shut up! All right, here it is.

Ugh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards. We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned.

Here's a bunch of words in a row. Because the economy's so bad,

JuST Help me up!

I'm sorry, Angela, Peter can't talk. He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture. What? (LAUGHS) He's writing your name in the shower door fog with his penis. Give me that. Why are you calling me at home? I want to hear you breathe. Breathe into the phone for me, Griffin. What? Shh. Don't talk, just breathe.

and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles. Henry, I have a lost little boy. Well, Hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with mE? No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?

(IMITATING LOIS) "Oh, Peter, you should have been there. "Uncle Ben's converted brown rice was on sale. "They marked it down from $12 to three..." Whatever. I don't know how much rice is, but you know what I'm saying.

'cause our phone bill was $7,000.

Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad!

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good.

I... I got heckled, and went into a rage and said some very nasty things to some Afro-Americans. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Stop laughing. It's not funny.

Griffin, it's up to you.

You'll never take my cargo.

Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy! That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A--

What are you doing? Sorry, you just had a little something. (CREAKING)

You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know? Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! BURGLAR: What did she say? She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) I don't know what you want! I don't know how to help! Hi, there. Excuse me.

With that type of money, I could buy pots and pans at Williams-Sonoma. This is a very nice set. You must be a phone whore. You bet your sweet ass I am. (PHONES RINGING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Come on. Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh--

I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house. Or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie!

Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great.

Help me! Freshman. I got you, you freshman.

Let me see that. "Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore. What the hell? Are these schools so underfunded that they can't afford textbooks from this century?

Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you! Hey, what's that sound? You're urinating!

You know what? Forget about the money! Everybody grab a broom! We are straightening this place up! All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond.

(UNSHEATHING) (ROARING) People, you are free!

Hey. Let's not be that kind of chain gang. You Peter Griffin? Oh, yeah, thanks.

Here they come.

How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me! Well, then I guess now we're even. What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you!

Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man.

Would you like to hear it? No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar. Wait a minute! I love schnitzel! Come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen. I'll change in the car. If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little--

Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

Ooh. Well, that's why we have the lab. Well, I just got off the phone with Hope, and it sounds like Scotty's gonna make a full recovery. You hear that, Stewie? Looks like your little friend's gonna be okay. Oh, I don't care about him. I've got a new friend who's got leprosy. (LAUGHS) See, he's funny.

I don't think I'm comfortable around you anymore. Did you know peanut butter was invented by a black man? Too late, Doc. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Herbert. What brings you here? It seems your son's baseball broke one of my windows the other day. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

I know, I saw the caption. Yeah, but I just go crazy just sitting here for so long. I know it's tough, but maybe there's something I can do to make it easier. Here, play with this bucket of afterbirth. Heh! The Lockhorns. Always locking horns. (GASPS) Oh, my God, that's why they call it that.

Can I count on you to give me a 10? And that should do it. You did it, Dan. My God, you did it!

Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here! stop it! Stop it!

You kissed me And stopped me from shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire God, he's so talented. You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn.

Hmm. 29 pounds. That's big for your age. Forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials. All right, little guy, time for your immunizations. You, uh, might want to hold him. Hold me for what? What the deuce? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Yahh!

Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam.

No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No.

No, no, you can't go in there. No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale.

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!

Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room! Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo? Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! No, I'm not!

How could you let me down like that, Brian? Oh, I let you down. Why? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the good dog? This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. This and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet. Oh, oh, One time I did that! One time! Peter, Brian, please.

(EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it.

Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd-- Well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? That one wasn't very good. Peter, They were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself, not because they liked your jokes. Well, Maybe that was part of my act.

Tonight my friends and I are going out, but we're not drinking because those are empty calories. Then we'll play full contact football in the park with no pads or helmets. Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for Bad Movie Night. Then it's straight to the bars to find loose women to have sex with. Then it's straight to the gym for three hours of crunches and extended eye contact with strangers.

Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money. So, here's $10,000. And I expect you never to mention this ugly business again. $10,000? Not enough? Fine. Make it $20,000. How do you spell Kichwa? Yeah, You know what? Screw the Kichwa. Make it out to Peter. P-E-T-E...

Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that.

There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. So that was my chance to disappear. So I left. How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here.

Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy. You poor damn fool. What? You have no idea what's going on here. He's not just a delightful new friend for the family. He's your replacement. Come on, that's ridiculous. You're getting old, Brian, and they know it.

(SCREAMS) Stop! Sorry I had to do that, Dad,

Well, it's my pleasure, Lois. Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely. Yeah, those are cooking just fine.

Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that! Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock. King Louis XI. Tim, select.

Oh, my God, you're so cool! You're so awesome! You've checkmated my teenage cynicism! Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice clean rap. Whoo! Ha! Ha! (RAPPING) I respect women when I'm on a date I take them to the park or maybe a museum And I only try to kiss them if they're ready Whoo-hoo!

Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again!

(METALLIC THUD) Stewie! Stewie! Stewie, you okay? You gotta kiss him to wake him up. What? I'm not gonna kiss you.

Ah! A ghost! Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok.

Does anyone need the remote? Oh, my God! What the hell happened to Stewie? Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym,

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

Are you happy? I've never been happy.

Come on, into the garbage chute. She's right! Come on, Chewbacca.

- All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,

Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

Listen, Bonnie, I... I just want to say I'm sorry. I was a real ass, and I miss you. I'm sorry, too. I know I haven't been that easy to live with lately. Okay. Well, I'm going to go now. Joe, wait.

Thanks for your help, Meg. There's no chance we're gonna be friends now, is there? Absolutely not. Can I at least think about you in the tub later? No! I'm still gonna. Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous. I do, Dad.

Ah, you're forgetting I initially encountered Bertram as a sperm in one of the fat man's balls, so he couldn't get rid of the fat man or any recent ancestor on my father's side. Bertram had to go back enough generations to make sure he was snuffing out the ancestral source of my genius without affecting his own. And apparently, it's Leonardo da Vinci.

Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop!

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won!

Lot of Empire stuff to do. Empire stuff. Getting Empire stuff done. Busy with Empire stuff. Yes, this is good Empire stuff. This Empire stuff looks good. Yes, I think we're done with this Empire stuff. Hey, dudes, what you looking at? We think we found something. (PROBE DROID CHATTERING) That's it. The Rebels are there. My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements.

Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES) In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles. Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.

Peter? Oh, no. What the hell is going on? I sent you to pick up dinner an hour ago. What are you doing with that cutout? You know what, Lois? I'm glad you found out. I can't carry on the charade anymore. I have an announcement to make. No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret.

Whose pickle is this?

Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman. " don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody. Sold.

Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it. - That is freaking smurf. - Yeah. Hello? Oh, my God! Peter, why are you staring into the dryer? I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See, now--Now, those are Chris' socks, right?

Quagmire, what are you doing here? You don't have kids. Don't be so sure, Brian. I've slept with chicks all over the world. Who knows, I could have kids in their 20s.

Oh, my. What a lovely room. Oh, And it's so clean. Well, I think the ultraviolet scanning light will be the judge of that. I picked this up on Dateline from that yummy exoskeleton, Maria Shriver. Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle,

Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch.

Dancing in Chicago

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!

That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done

I got a rock. I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!

How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No!

Boy! You've put on weight, Jackie Chan.

Indeed, yes, sir. I did. Yeah, okay, okay. Whatever. All right, Peterson, two things are gonna happen here. I'm gonna take my wife back, and then I'm gonna kill you! All right. All right, Mr. King, sir. You win. I'm sorry, Lady Redbush, but he is your husband. Let me just walk over here and get your things for you... (SHOUTING) All right, Your Majesty.

Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! (QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

(PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Okay, I got one. Who would you rather do? Lois or Bonnie? Well, Bonnie has a moisture issue. So does Lois. Punch Lois in the back of the head. She just black out or is there a chance she might have a seizure? I don't know.

Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my! Do we... Do we rub his nose in it?

Man, I hate these things. Uh, yeah, Hi, this is Peter Griffin. Uh, I'm sorry I missed you, uh--

So we ask him to call off the hit. So? So... Peter, I don't know how to explain it any clearer than that. You can go to the wedding and ask them not to kill Mom. No way. It's too dangerous. I got you into this, and I'll get you out of it. No, Peter. When we got married, we agreed to share our lives, good times and bad.

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.

Peter, this is none of my business, but you're turning your boy into a slacker. How dare you call my parenting into question. If you were a woman, I'd slug you. I'm just saying you should teach him some responsibility.

(HONKING) Holy crap! You marry Billy Joel, it's gonna happen one way or another. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Come on, Lois. All I gotta do is have a spiritual vision. I've had one before. Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo." Peter, those are Cheerios.

(GASPS) You're wicked.

I wish we'd never come here in the first place. Oh, choff! here, Go buy yourself some more money.

Yay! He's a good singer. Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here. You should have been here, man. Those were the shows. Oh, looks like somebody made a friend. I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable.

who was rapping with the soldiers and bandages, too Susan B. Anthony always out doin' stuff Marchin' around and holdin' up signs And then, there's Maude.

(STUTTERING) What do you got?

That's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. Ah, He was so different from everyone else. Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard I'm gonna carry you off into the sunset on a white horse. It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur.

Get back in your bowl where you belong. Well, long as I'm up, I might as well go spit in Lois's mouth. Sheldon?

I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat I got blisters on me fingers!

PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

No! He's been in there an awful long time. I hope everything's all right. My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Tony Danza and Sylvester Stallone in What?

What do you mean? That's where you belong, Brian. You're not really a conservative. What are you... That's not true. I am conservative. I support the death penalty to show people that killing is wrong. And that's great, Brian. Look, I make a living persuading others to join my side. But I'd never, ever want somebody to be something they're not. You're a liberal, Brian.

(SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.

Road House. You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh? I think I can get on board with that. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Meg and Kent are having space sex We can't show it But that's what's happening (BOTH MOANING)

I don't know what else... Wait. Wait. (CHUCKLING) Wait... What? What? No! No!

Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3.

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING)

hit something and do a wicked flip through the air. Well, that'd kill us. No, no. You guys will just roll out of the vehicle, and dust yourself off and lumber back to your hideout, defeated. Buddy, I had a cousin got in a fender bender at five miles an hour, messed his neck up, he's got partial numbness. He's just not the same guy anymore. Was he wearing his safety belt? Thank God.

(HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING)

You don't know what's in there!

HEy, You're the Pawtucket Patriot. Verily. Come hither and give heed. Whoa. I don't swing that way, pal. Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers. Why spend time with your wife?

Yeah, serious problem. Good. Now, go in your purse, take out $40 and put it in the bag. All right, Lois, you're kind of scaring me now. I... I don't have $40. All right, I understand. I'll be back tomorrow for the $80. And I'm taking your welcome mat.

That's right, Tom. Powerball fever has officially gripped Quahog. We sent Channel Five News Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa around town to get the public reaction. Mayor West, what do you plan to do if you win the lottery? Well, I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four-piece suits.

Here I am, sir. Yes, sir. Right indeed. Here indeed. Yes, I am, sir! I want you to turn this settlement upside down until you find Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson! That fat bastard thinks he can steal my bride and get away with it? I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping. No, I wouldn't. Not a corn farthing would I bet. No, sir.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers.

Now, if you'll just keep it down so I don't get any more complaints. Sure. No problem, Joe. Thanks for stopping by. (ALL CHEERING) So what do you say, guys?

Wait a minute. That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun. He's gonna shoot the President. Holy smokes, I've got to do something. All right, Lee. Time to become an American hero. (SIGHS) Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

I can't let you in. Oh, come on! I didn't come all this way and lose all that money to not see Celine Dion. That's the whole reason we came to Vegas in the first place. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs!

Listen, thanks, everybody. I had a great time tonight. I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport. Lois, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Chris, the guys from the prison... Counting Crows. If I'm forgetting anybody, I'm sorry. Goodnight, everybody! Our thoughts are with you, Chevy!

Aw, jEEz. Mine doesn't look anything like his. Ah, The hell with iT!

Just around the corner There's a rainbow in the sky So let's have another cup o' coffee And let's have another piece o' pie!

Dad, can you teach me how to sumo wrestle? Oh, It's not too hard, Chris. Hey, Brian, help me demonstrate. Uh, Peter, maybe somebody else could-- Come on! Ok, so on the count to 3, you try to push me out of the ring, I try to push you out of the ring. Ok? Ready? 1, 2, 3!

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?

I have a history test today, Mom, and I couldn't study last night because you made us go to the ballet. (PHONE VIBRATES) (CHUCKLES) Yeah, right in her ass. (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) Well, Chris, you're not gonna learn any history from this. This textbook is from 1896.

Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth. Especially from a fortune cookie. What does it say, Peter? Just something about perseverance. What does yours say? It says I'm very creative.

you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.

It must be awkward in a huddle knowing one of these guys is gonna be an NBA millionaire and the rest are just gonna be weird tall guys. ANNOUNCER: And that'll do it for us here with Duke losing by just three points. We... We lost, Brian. Oh, crap, we're screwed.

I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me?

This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it! Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun herE. Look, I-If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit. I was doing shtick, I tell you! Humina-humina-humina!

Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

To answer your question, something like that. The guy who aims is in the john. Yup, Here he is. next one's coming right at you. Face it, Peter. It's over. Why don't you sit down with the mayor and negotiate some kinda treaty? Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know the meaning of the word "negotiate." Heh.

But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time. Wow. Well, all I want is for you to be happy. You're my dad. And if you're happy, I'm happy for you. I'm sorry, Dad. I love you. I love you, too, Glenn.

Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait!

Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it. I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. (SIGHS) STEWIE: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Just have sex with somebody.

Stewie, step aside. Penelope, I can't let you do this. Stewie, she's one year old. I think I can handle this myself. (EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in.

I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later. Thanks, you guys. That was really cool. Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? Ah! You folks got a towel? Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight?

No, I know they don't taste very good. Well, because they're very dry, aren't they? I mean, they came in a tin, how fresh did you think they were gonna be? Look, it's dark and freezing in Denmark. Everybody who made these cookies has shot themselves. Well, I bet I did something really important and exciting. Like maybe I was a speechwriter for the first ever black president.

That's a great idea, Lois. I'll talk to him tomorrow. If this works out, I could make more money than when I had that rat farm in the basement. Armando, do you have the rent? We are trying, Senor Griffin. But the land, she gives us nothing. There is no sunlight. It's been two months, Armando. You're putting me in a real awkward position here.

I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one, but as I recall, you were more interested in partying with your friends. Then Glenn came along and stole my heart. When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever.

Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building. This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have, my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down. He's in.

- Hello? - Hey, Brady! What kind of suit do you want to be buried in?

The important thing is finding a healthy way to channel it. For me, as you know, it's the family bath. Peter, how long do we have to sit here? Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

Congratulations, Brian.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe.

You son of a bitch.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

So, what did you wanna see me about?

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty.

Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.

This janitor's in love with this redheaded ashtray. MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe... Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.

But then again I'm not the instructor, am I? Oh, yuck. What happened to my ear? We pierced it. Oh, yeah. A lot of crazy shit went on last night. Well, we were both drunk. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right. We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend. I don't know what the phrase is.

Joe, you got a minute? What is it, Peter? I just wanted to apologize. I thought you and your friends were just a bunch of gross cripples, but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now, and I see how tough it is.

And I see my friends. They're in trouble! I gotta save them!

Now wait, so the white ball has to hit one of the stripy balls?

No, no, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story. It's stupid. Stupid story. I'm calling the police. That won't be necessary. I already did. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hello, Officer. Would you be kind enough to remove this trespasser from my home? What are you talking about? This is my house.

So I've built a cryogenic stasis device and am placing myself inside it, leaving instructions for it to be buried in very specific coordinates in what will be future Quahog. If everything goes according to plan, I will have spent the next 500 years buried beneath our basement.

You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie! Mr. Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are-- Hang on, sweetie. I've got to call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game.

did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? Oh. Oh, God. Sometimes, it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes, we should cherish what we already have. Like a very special friendship.

Well, somehow this school needs to raise its test scores right away! I suppose there is one thing I can do to raise the school's test average. Then do it! All right. We'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled. But if I leave now, I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school.

Glenn, you sure you want to do this? I already told you I forgive you. No, No, I feel like I got off too easy. All right. If you insist. You, uh, wanna ring the bell, Apollo? All right. Ding, ding.

Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah!

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

You know, the only thing that was holding me back even a little is knowing how much Lois is gonna milk this. Everyone, I truly want to thank you for your support and remind you that as far as casseroles go, we're good on pasta, but we could use some more dessert items.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar! Hey, there, Chris. Hi, Mr. Herbert.

H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment. Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

Ahh! And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask. Oh, Peter! You look like you! I can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was. Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris.

This is your post-9/11 racism talking.

Oh, thank Christ!

I think that's everything. CLEVELAND: You want me to double check? I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training,

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible. So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore?

That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys. Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Ok, let's go over the commands. Uh, Sit. Good. Uh, Roll over. Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here. Let's call it a night. Do you want to win this thing or not?

Hey, hey, hey, stop it. You women can't dance in here. Well, I know two people who'll take my side on this. The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing. Right, guys? Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it. (GRUMBLING) What's the matter, Bonnie? Don't you want to dance?

Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

You're going down in front of all these people!

Hmm. Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad. But try and open with a joke.

No, but they will be there to help you. Lastly, you wanna make sure you step back and take cover after you sink that bucket. 'Cause that sky gonna light up like the Fourth of July. No, but there will be a large explosion. Any questions? Yeah, I got a question.

Brian! BRIAN! Uh, Hey. You're nominated for 3 of the 7 films you directed yesterday.

Whoa! Ahhh! ugh! My God! I can walk! It's A Mira-- Sorry, Dad. Just get the chair. Ho! Ho! Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one.

Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why?

You should be a producer. A producer? Gee, I don't know.

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

Uh... You know, if it weren't for the devil, God'd probably go insane, blow his brains out from boredom, you know? Everybody likes to feel useful. Maketh the world go round. Back to you, Tom. Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God.

Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

I've been waiting for over an hour. Grab some wood there, bub. Daddy and his friends have been drinking, and we're gonna keep on drinking until we each uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse by a trusted religious official. Oh, that's crazy talk. Oh, my God! Minister Washington, how could you? Man, look at all these chicks. (EXCLAIMS)

Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase. Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here, maybe Cleveland could join us. Yeah, it'd be just like old times. What do you say, Cleveland?

he went to the shore on this day, in hopes that the magic clam would return. Today, we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition. What's that? Something out at sea? Clam-ho!

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool.

Fellas, it doesn't matter what you wear... as long as you play kickass rock and roll and do this with your tongue. Am I right, Gene? You got that right, Pete.

What? What is it? I heard a noise downstairs. (SIGHS) I'll go have a look. It's probably just the wined. The wind, dear. Is that how you say that? I've only seen that word written.

You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.

You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first? Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade oh, You're one to talk.

Oh, he's getting annoyed. Look at that. He sure is. Okay, now tell him you want a vegan place. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, my God! He's so pissed, he's calling. Well, answer it. No, no, no. I'm gonna send it to voicemail, then call him back, but pocket-dial him while I walk a few blocks. JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello? I'm getting very little work done!

Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me? I'm sorry, Meg. I had to tell them! Don't give him crap for this, Meg. He did exactly the right thing by coming to us. Don't you know what kind of fire you're playing with, dating a prisoner? Hold on, Lois. This is some serious parenting. I'm gonna go put on my Cosby sweater.

Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing? Joe, what are you doing here? Peter, we have proof that it was Chris who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy. I knew it. I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. Oh, God, what happened to my baby. Who sold you the drugs?

Ah! Okay. Thank you. (MUMBLING) Amazing grace How sweet the sound

No, no. Pot is illegal because William Randolph Hearst ran a smear campaign against marijuana in the 1930s to protect his interests in the timber industry, because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper.

I need some gravitational help.

Oh, my God. That is hilarious. He is probably freaking out. God! I would give anything to see his face right now. He's probably all, like, "Where the deuce is everyone?" Well, I can't really do a good Stewie. Oh, my God! What kind of a mother am I?

All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me. MARGE: Wow, three times in a row. You're amazing, Glenn.

Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it! I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows! Well, At least the T.V. gets decent reception. Ha! Must be some kind of nature show. Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off! Ahh! Great! We're here 5 minutes,

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two?

Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this!

"Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now? Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso.

He doesn't remember us. It's an opportunity to come up with our own names. I'm Tomax and this is Xamot. We're twins who can feel each other's pain. Ow! No, Brian, I'm supposed to say, "Ow!" You ruin everything! Ow.

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Well, I don't know, Dad.

(SIGHS) Well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second-graders.

I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here?

(AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me! It was the Christmas we all went to Edaville Railroad, and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" and he left that very night, and all you cared about was ice cream on the way home. And Mother said you didn't appreciate anything! BRIAN: Karina! (AS KARINA) Coming!

Oh, crap. Peter! Peter, come back! Peter! Peter! Peter! I think he's gone.

This is not a joke, Peter, okay? They're cutting off his penis in there! All right, all right. I mean, this is my dad we're talking about! Okay, okay. What are you gonna name it, huh?

What am I doing here?

Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

And call her a bitch. Until I'm hoarse with rage. Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself? Yes, and then... What? No, I mean, that would like... That would show her. What the hell does the second part have to do with that? No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Because this man always put his job before everything else. His wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son. I need hear no more. Everyone, this is your new shop foreman. Welcome aboard, sir. Lead as you see fit. Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son.

And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42.

Damn, it's not here! ah. Not here either.

What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that? You better play ball or we'll find someone else who will. I'll play ball. You know what, West? You can have your job back. Politics does terrible things to good people.

Oh, this is an even bigger jackpot than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue. Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

(CREAKING) Oh, my God! Carolyn? Cleveland? Oh. Hey, Brian. Close that window. You're letting all the stank out.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no! So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth.

Newburyport. What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe. All right, I think we're all set here. (LAUGHING)

Another late night, huh? Yeah, Mayor West keeps me pretty busy. Yeah, I noticed. (GASPS) Where did you get that?

Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that.

For starters, we're making sex education more fun. Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies And our schools are the safest around, thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS!

Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.

Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING) Peter, it's okay. It's not okay. You don't know what it's like.

(SIGHS) PETER: Lois, wait! I can't do it! I can't go through with it! You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage! - Screw our marriage! I love you! - Really?

Hey, Brian, can you read my play?

I have faith that Chris will grow up to be a real mensCH. Ow! Ow! Dad! Dad!

All right, all right. Okay. All right. (SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo.

Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy.

Well, he's an Asian fella. Melvin Hu. - That's what I want to find out. - What? - The name of the guy. - Melvin Hu. - Are you a cop? You handling this case? - Yeah. Yeah. - Then what's the name of the guy? - Hu. The guy we're looking for. Hu. - The guy who's buried. - Hu. The guy with the bomb. Hu. - What street's he live on? - First. (BOMB EXPLODING) Yeah, I'm not psychic.

Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts? He's half your size. I--i know--i know--I know. But check this out. Hey--Hey, Carol. Say, Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome. I've always thought you were handsome. Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg.

But they won't be. (LOUD CHEERING) And now a few words from Lois Griffin herself. Thank you so much for coming, everyone, and thank you for always cheering me on at all my fights. WOMAN: Hey, Griffin! (CROWD GASPS)

you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?

Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading, but to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell. And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up, because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

What the hell is this? It's a boy!

I know you all hate eggplant, but... What on earth was that?

No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me. Oh, I should have figured. Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one! You told me that one. I sure did. We enjoy each other's company. Well, I suppose if I have your word that this won't happen again,

Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. Anyone? Anyone? Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire. It's good to be back, Peter.

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh. (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh! They're sending him in. Yay, Chris! Atta boy, Chris! Hey, uh, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad? Because you don't have a bottom, son. Ah! Yeah, man. You and that towel are representiN'. Yo! that's what's just fightin', G!

Joe, hold your handcuffs over my lap. (PANTS UNZIPPING) What the hell is that? Swiss Army penis. (SAWING) Wow, Quagmire. That's incredible. Peter? (SAWING) Yours are made of a stronger metal.

And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade!

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe.

(SNIGGERS) Still drinking. Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon? (SLURPING STOPS) Oh!

That looks all right. Yeah, come on, Quagmire. Get the hair transplant. Come back to us. You're right. This isn't me. Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads. There you go, that's pretty gross. Yeah, that's the spirit, Quagmire. Oh, boy, listen, thanks for putting up with me the last couple weeks. Hey, no problem. You put up with me when I was barefoot guy.

Hey, I like your tie. Thanks. (MAN READING IN SING-SONG) Come on, Chris, he'll do all the work.

I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?

(SIGHS) I guess you're right, Lois. It's just that sometimes I feel like I don't even know Joe anymore. It's like I've become a different person, and so has he. Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day

You know who'd be good? Big Jaws. Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Elijah Wood. I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have.

You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton.

Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy. Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe. i just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner at Cheesie Charlie's. Why Cheesie Charlie's?

Hey, have you heard this awesome new song?

Hey, babe. What do you say? We going out Saturday night? Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly. Stewie, you're being mean.

The murderer is one of us!

Oh, Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck! Thank you, Thank you. Yes, Yes.

From Bob Seger to Axel Foley, we never really cared. Joyce? Thanks, Tom.

Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent. Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY) That's so much better. Morning, Lois.

Make your every joke a jewel You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul Go on, buds

You can have strawberry yogurt.

What you did just now was pretty ballsy. Really? Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team. That's a winner in my book. Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady. - Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? I'll remind you that I was invited here. All right, who's up there? Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois. Glenn, what are you doing up there? Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay. No airline will hire me after the accident. I'm broke and jobless.

I... Um... I mean, she's so cute. Susie. She's all right. (MENACING MUSIC PLAYING)

Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach! Joan, it's great to have you here.

Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Ah! Another day of being huge. Good morning, guns of... (GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off.

All right, almost done here, Glenn. There we are, all finished.

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

Uh, i-i don't know. Uh, Let's say, $200. $200? That's more than I spent on all that handsome cream. I don't have that kind of money! What about that jar of money? No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund. Ah, Come on, it never rains in Rhode Island. Well, Yeah, but I'm pretty sure we've never had a volcano either.

You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust.

and coincidentally this is the day Rupert started working out again.

So, I'm sure I can take a... There he is.

I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my life. I don't know who you were when you were drinking,

Well, I have your address. See ya! Oh! There's Happy Hill! Ugh! What the deuce?

Say what, now? You don't deserve her. She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

- Empire sucks! - Rebels! Rebels! Yeah! Yeah, Rebels! Yeah.

"You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.

Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

Are you Peter Griffin? Yes, sir, I am. I represent the man whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday. You've piqued my interest. Go on. Unfortunately for you,

This could be the real deal, boys! Let's do it!

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.

Gorgeous. Yes. Yes, Meg, gorgeous. Yes. Every man wanted her. But one man got her. A man she trusted to keep her safe and beautiful forever. That man was Glenn Quagmire. And two short months later, this is what happened to Joan Van Ark. (GASPS) Oh! Oh, my God! I don't want this to happen to you, Meg.

Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home? It's you? Are we already out of our own characters?

What? You've never seen a handicapped man before? They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe. They're not capable of judgment. And even if they were, who cares? They're whores. Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting!

Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee.

- Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time. - You people knocked me off the modem. - When are you coming home?

Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask. Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house?

What the hell are you talking about? You're my son. Mr. Griffin, he's going to be a great artist. He now belongs to the public. And apparently, I'm dating Kate Moss. Oh, and, um, Don't say anything bad about her, 'cause she might be here right now. Wait a minute. You can't--You can't just push me aside. I made you! And I can destroy you!

PETER: I think it's a safe bet this is the place. Well, this looks comfortable. (SIGHS) This is gonna be a relaxing weekend.

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much.

So I turned it down. And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town. That should be me everyone's talking about! Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha!

Uh-oh! Embarrassing. I've done that. It was so delicious. But... It wasn't fried chicken. It was a baby! (SOBBING) It was a baby.

Case dismissed.

And boy, could she put the applesauce away in the commissary.

I'm a bad, bad girl. I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one-D-4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-5 holy avenger. Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration.

Stewie, what are you doing? Just getting my bronze on, baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just Tanned Stewie being Tanned Stewie. Check me out, Brian.

MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog.

My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" We didn't measure! We dIdN't measure! Amazing, Peter. You've inspired The whole neighborhood to work together. You know what's really amazing, Brian?

Victory is mine!

Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way! No, Luke, don't run downhill!

It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe.

There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument. And there's the Vietnam War Memorial.

Okay, now, I also had a thought for a female character who's always nagging at Red Heinie Monkey and telling him not to leave his beer cans lying around and whatnot, and her name is Bitch Duck. That kind of looks like Mom. Not finished talking, Meg. Okay, and this is Poopy Face Tomato Nose.

Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York...

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to--

God, let's see. What else is there? Um... I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Oh, God.

They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention. (CHUCKLING) It's a bus driver's uniform. Pow, right in the kisser!

My kidney! I wanted you to have it. Oh, Toby, I love it! Thank you! Oh, this has been the best Valentine's Day ever. But wait! You said you had to bring your boss a kidney. Don't worry. I took care of it.

No! I think I can hear the ocean.

I've taken you for granted. Oh, Get a room!

Say you like it, or she's gonna spend the rest of the afternoon out returning that stuff. Looks great! Wow, you really fill these things up. Hey, do you think maybe you'd want to hang out sometime? What, you mean like a movie or something? Yeah, or maybe lunch? I had a bad experience last time I went to the movies. We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis.

I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that. Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic. Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Come on, Ilsa! Get on it!

Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato. Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it.

They're getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa! I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis. Good morning. Peter, what on earth are you wearing?

I guess you were right about that puma.

(HIGH-PITCHED BLORP) Hey, we got any of those Chips Ahoy! left? No, those are all gone. (GROANS) (WRAPPER CRINKLING) (WRAPPER CRINKLING)

He's a family guy

It's going to take some time, Joe. Rest of your life okay? It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass? Boy, that'd be satisfying.

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it.

Huh. Me, too. Feels good, doesn't it? Sure does.

Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.

Ben. Dad. Ben, what have I told you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous.

and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.! I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows.

I didn't know Lois had that in her. Hey, is that your wife? You bet that's my wife. Well, I got to say, she's a natural. You know, she could make some serious money as a professional. Wow, you really think so? Oh, sure. Women's boxing is a rapidly growing part of the field. You should consider your wife competing for a belt.

We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess!

Years of practice, boys. Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt! You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter.

I'll tell you what's going on. This government's FCC is trying to take all the farts away from television! And all the sex, and all the nudity, and all the poop. Well, I say it's wrong. These things are part of the fabric of American life. Well, we appreciate your passion but this Congress supports the FCC. Indecency is un-American. Oh, yeah?

That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore TV to the way it was. You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and... (GUNSHOTS) What the hell? That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill.

Do you guys mind if I struggle to open these blinds?

No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh. - Can we leave it with someone, because... - No, no. Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

- That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

(ROARING) (GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking.

None of this makes any sense. Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source, for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case. Now we're here, where the hell's our host? Well, at least you all had eveningwear provided for you. I thought this was going to be a lawn party. I don't have one pair of long pants. Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek.

FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING) HOPE: lllo wonder thatpriest kept saying, "Bless you. " (LAUGHING) Yes, and I accept that.

That's Petorian for, "More beer, you slappy-wag." You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to $50. I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. D-d-Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks, while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?

Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls! (LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls. Just like... Just like Sharon Stone. You beat me to it.

We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be Through the courtesy Of the Electric Company The Electric Company Contrary to those upbeat lyrics,

Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"? No. A "B"? No. C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P? "P"! Peter! My name's Peter! Is your name Peter? Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer. What Cleveland really needs right now is to learn how to express his feelings.

(PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant. PETER: No, you're going to yell at me!

Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark.

Philadelphia, PA

Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson.

I am so sorry. I am done with you.

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace. Too dirty. Maybe after quitting time, I'll have a mimosa and tell y'all then. Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from.

Hong Kong Phooey!

I have foreseen that his compassion for you will be his undoing. Got it. On my way. - No more of this Kurt shit. - Yeah. Leia! Leia!

Hi. Hello. (SPEAKING ELVISH) (SPEAKING ELVISH)

How long was I in there? About five minutes. Why are we not funding this?

The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me. Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own. Now, see, that's what people hate. Really? I'm telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be. Wow, it's so obvious. Thanks, Daddy. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.

So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.

Oh, my God! We're gonna drown! We'll be fine. Here, put these on. Peter, these are parachutes. What are we supposed to do with these? They're supposed to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

I don't know, boys. He's in rough shape. Doctor, you've got to do something for him. It's Christmas Eve! Christmas is the problem. He can't keep this pace up anymore. If he goes out tonight, he'll die. Well, then who's gonna deliver all the presents?

I don't know, maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I am completely lost. Lois, you said there would be other men my own age here. But there aren't, and I'm bored. Look, Peter, why don't you just grab a book off the shelf and be quiet? No! Books are jerks. Stop acting like a brat. What about a picture book? Only if it has a mirror at the end of it,

(EXCLAIMING) (PANTING) Looks like we're in the clear. Michael Eisner. Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma!

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Are you all right? I'm fine. I didn't push him back because he has leukemia. My name's Penelope. What's yours? Stewie. I've never seen you around here before. I'm new to town and I don't have many friends. (CHUCKLING) All right. A lot of pressure on me instantly, but okay.

You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all. I just have a-- God, I'm so sorry. I keep doing that. God, please forgive me. I get that from my father. He's from a different generation. - It's-- - Whatever, man. - We cool? We good? - Yeah, we're cool. Fine.

You know what, Lois? I'm glad you found out. I can't carry on the charade anymore. I have an announcement to make. No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love.

(CHEERING) (FARTS) (ALL GASPING) Well, there goes my music career. I wonder if I can get my old job back painting kids' faces at birthday parties.

Right on! Let's do it!

Gather around, everybody. $10 is all it takes! Step right up and fight my wife! Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee. Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore.

They say I should do standup. This is insane! Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town. If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair...

Yes, Pratt and Millwood eight-color pastel chalk will turn your patio into a tropical art studio. But you'll have to pack your chalk, because you're going to be staying six days and seven nights at your parents' house in Wilmington, Delaware! I moved my abortion for this.

Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. What are you doing? Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them? Yeah. Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.

You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down. He's in.

I can't believe it. We lost everything.

You can let go of my hand now. You can let go of mine. - ah! - Ow! ahh! ugh!

Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

ohhh! YOu... You really let this family down. We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh!

What do we got, partner? Empty alcohol containers. The driver's inebriated and covered in blood. He's got scratches on his face and arms. There's a blood-soaked corpse in the back seat. Got shovels in there, and a hand-drawn map titled "This Is Where We'll Hide the Body." Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you, sir.

Leave this house of God! (ALL AGREEING) But... But I love the church. It's an important part of my life. Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn. But, Father, I didn't mean... Wait. Did you say "a porn"? - Yes. - Oh. - Well, that's kind of weird. - Why? Well, I mean, you'd either say, "You made porn," or "You made a porno."

Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day.

Wow, a Paris Hilton party. Oh, this is so cool. Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King.

BONNIE: Joe, make sure you get all the tire tracks out of the carpet. Learn to live with it, Bonnie! There are tracks! People make tracks!

Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

Actually, I can't read his handwriting here. What happened? One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face. Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and hotels up and down the Eastern Seaboard.

Come on, everybody. Let's sing a song. - Oh, Ah, - AH! Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot left foot, right foot

- Cheryl, wait. - Jillian. I'm sorry. I'll do anything, please! Meg? Yeah, this still happens sometimes. Hey.

Hey, bozos, what do you think of this?

Now we can live with you again even though you're a dangerous retard. Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people."

Hi, Meg. You busy Saturday night?

Oh, My God. I hit William Shatner. Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God. I did not see that coming. Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over and killed Mr. Shatner.

Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm.

We gotta send these strap hangers back where they Came from. Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

(BEEPING) Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane.

It's like being lost in heaven When I'm lost in your eyes Stewie, what the hell was that?

Okay, Mark Burnett, you did Survivor and The Apprentice.

I don't know who should be more humiliated, Meg or the pig. She's such a dork. I think I feel worse for the pig. Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan! Well, I figured you might get soft on me,

What the hell? $400? My God, this is a bigger ripoff than Peter's Sounds of the Rainforest CD.

You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched.

I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments. So this will be our last episode of Jolly Farm. What? No.

In my own house! Well, what was the bit? Okay, ready? I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, my God, Peter! I'll tell you, and I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you, that's funny.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win?

A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety. What are you talking about? Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. Heard what? Brian, don't!

(SQUEALING) Gotcha! You want some laser hair removal, while I'm at it? - No, thanks. - You sure? Come on, we gotta get out of here!

Huh, these people are biking without helmets. Must be a pretty kick-back place. These actually look quite nice, and we could finally get away from these dreadful winters.

You mean this room we're in or your bum?

We need to take a chance. Try something different.

Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.

I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money and they'll ground your ass for a year. I don't care, tell them. 'Cause I'm not even going to be here. I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again. Good, go. And who's even going to miss you? You're just a little thief. Where you going, Chris? Who are you going to turn to?

No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold. in tonight's episode,

so, you know, I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio... so the quality is kind of sucky... but, you know, all the songs describe my feelings.

Okay, good. So, feral Peter, why don't you put in tape number two and let's get started. Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me. Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts. When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so.

Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college!

Well, I'm off to work. Ok, honey.

I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name! Well, I'm sorry honey but we don't think you should see him anymore.

Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

This family needs Brian. I need him. God, I hate this freaking cat. Can you spare some change? Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog?

Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy?

Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois. You're not telling anybody, friend.

I love you. Fuck off.

I don't know what the big deal is. I stopped for one drink after work. Yes, but it's every night. There! Now you can be upset about that. This is fun. I like playing with you, Penelope. What shall we play next? Well, let's see what you have.

What? All he said was "black chick." Yeah, I know. But your boyfriend looks like a typical angry black guy.. I didn't want to offend him. Hey, we cool, "G"? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? All right!

Oh! So alive, this city!

In fact I'm supposed to press it every six hours to keep things moving down there.

Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares?

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING) (AIR WHOOSHING) STEWIE: Well, well, look who has surfaced.

Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today. (SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain. But he didn't wish hard enough! It only worked on me head! Oh, my God, seriously? No. Actually, I was a normal guy until one night, we dropped acid together, and he thought I was a steak. Grilled me, ate me arms and legs. It was a whole thing.

It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past. Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

Carol, I wanna make this a night you'll never forget. - Oh, my. - Right?

Oh, then Halle Berry.

All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.

Lois? Hey, Lois, honey? Sweetheart? Oh, You're awake! Hey, uh, can you hand me the pretzels? Here. Where are we?

One of the greatest football players ever. Peter, he murdered two people. What? He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. Simpson? Yes. Was this in the news? Yes, Peter. It was all over the news. Well, now, wait a minute. If he killed two people, how come he's not in jail? He was acquitted.

Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter? You smell that? He's passed out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity? Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.

What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck.

What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18. And as a bonus, I'm going to identify when it's Shatner, and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins. Let's watch. That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner. That's Lubbins.

Well, I don't know if I can compete with the rest of these people, but here goes. (PLAYING) My word, what a fascinating man this Jesus must've been. I can just imagine meeting him. (SHEEP BAAING)

Ah, I'm exhausted. Come on. Let's get a coffee. Oh, The smoke is so acrid. Ugh! A man can hardly breathe in here. You should get some hash, man. You can't go wrong. Oh, Not true. Ground meat can go very wrong for me, very quickly.

Ah! And this is Peter and I at our wedding. Oh, you look beautiful, and he's a handsome fellow, ain't he?

Well, this was quite an adventure. Yeah, it's good to be back in familiar territory. (GUNS COCKING) Where do y'all think you're going? You boys are fugitives of my county, and I'm gonna take you back.

Noble Indian chief, bring us back your ways You Indians were so awesome in, oh, so many ways They all loved each other regardless of the tribe

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.

Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music. Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. But then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage. Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition. You know, sing, dance.

Cookie? Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing and Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and... What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know.

And this one I call A Live Dog Burying Dead Dog. This is a photograph! Oh, is it? Wait a minute! You saw the whole thing? Yes, indeed. (LAUGHING) Boy! Have I been having some fun at your expense, old man!

Too late, I already narrowed my eyes. (MEG SCREAMS)

Oh, so what? (STUTTERS) All those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences. Are you? Are you a better person? What's your point, Meg?

The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois...

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy

...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled!

Oh, my god! Aah! What have I done? Oh, You're awful. Fascinating story, Tom. It sure is, Diane. And since the laws of death no longer apply, I can do this. That's right, Tom.

How about a nice game of chess?

Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that. (ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down!

Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!

So, where are you from, Peter? I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island. LOIS: (WHOOPS) Quahog! That's my family. My wife daytime-drinks on vacation.

Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Joe, please, can't we talk about this? There's nothing to talk about. I've outgrown you, Bonnie. I need to spread my legs and fly. (CAR HORN HONKING) Keep the kid. Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter!

Oh! Good heavens!

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

You cheated on me? I... You bastard!

Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count.

Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday.

What is wrong with you people?

But Lauren carries one in her vagina.

That was a great cruise. Yeah, the buffet was great. And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich, we'll get you to the hospital. You bastard. There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Okay, everybody, time for paintball. I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared.

(WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that? It's an expression. Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair. Listen, you had your chance. I e-mailed it to both of you. You wrote back, "Looks fine" and you just added that part about Grape Ape. "P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape.

Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas.

Bottle of Jack Daniel's, please. Here you go. Thanks. What's this? That's your gun. Buy some liquor, get a free gun. Is that, like, a special you have on now or something? Nope, Texas state law. You have a nice day now.

A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

I...Oh, my. Getting dizzy! Oh, Fight it, Stewie! "Do not go gentle into that good night," to quote Bob Dylan. No, no, Dylan Thomas.

This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting.

You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

Oh, come on, Peter. It'd be good to have some chicks in here. Quagmire, are you nuts? This is a men's club. There's the problem. The ratio be terrible. It's a total mast-fest in here. You know, I kind of agree. Yeah, this is sort of lame. Well, we can fix that. Come on, girls, let's dance.

The bees making honey

The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! Look, if you don't put the gun down,

Well, it's getting late. I should probably go. Brian, this is, like, our sixth date. I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something. No, I... Oh, my God, I'm so attracted to you. I... So why haven't we done anything about it? I just... You know, sometimes, taking things slower is better.

God! Why does that turn me on?

Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you. Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm-- I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now. Come on, I got to watch the Emmys. Peter, you're going to Meg's play and that's that.

David Schwimmer? Yeah, hey. What are you gonna ask the don for? World peace.

Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat! Dad, nobody gives things away for free. That's not true.

You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup. Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on... Ahhh! (GASPS)

Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

I'm going to meet her cats. Jeez, all right. Okay. All right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"?

Yeah, Next one's coming for your head! Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent! Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face,

"Rump." This isn't funny, Chris! "Swallow."

Uh, Excuse me. Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella? I'm saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line! We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, Mister. And I sure as shoot don't want your kid hanging around with my kid.

Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place.

Okay, relax, Brian, there's no way they'd replace you. But it probably couldn't hurt to remind them how much they value you as a family member.

Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire? Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business. Husband? Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight.

We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge? Yes. We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home. No. (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Oh, hi, Lois. Yeah, last night was fun.

Mr. Weed, I, uh,

Oh, God! Oh, God!

FEMALE VOICE: Oh, God! Nobody's touched me like that for so long. (MOANING EXCITEDLY) Oh, no! I think I hear my husband. Honey, I'm home. What the hell is this? (SHOUTING) Who's he? Thank God you're home, honey. He tried to rape me. Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

is everybody pumped up? Gimme A d-u-s-t! D-U-S-T! M-i-t-e-s! M-i-T-E-S! What does that spell? Dust Mites! Who's gonna win this game? Dust Mites! My God, what? What just happened to me?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah!

So, would you mind giving me a lift home, buddy?

I'm gonna tell Mom you said "crap." No, I mean it. I could do it in three hours and idiots everywhere would buy it. Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point, but I've given up writing. Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before. You don't care about this, so what does it matter? Well, you do have a point. All right. Maybe I will. Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it?

Not even if I throw this pig's ear? Oh, come on, that's not fair. Go get it! (BARKING)

It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself. Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved.

I told you I could mold your son into a champion. This is gonna be my greatest victory ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin. Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know.

No, no, it's quite all right. Because I vowed to myself that I would spend the last night of my life in the company of the most beautiful woman in the world. And that's just what I have done. Oh, Reginald. No, no, no. This is already a perfect end to a perfect evening.

Hey! Hello! Hello, somebody! We're trapped in here! You're wasting your breath. These bank vault doors close automatically at the end of the workday. This thing won't be open again till tomorrow. Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think! I don't know. You think of something. Well, I have no idea!

Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass! Ew!

Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked. Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you,

That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

Hey! You know who lives in this house? A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony!

I'm sorry. I talked to him. But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though. Well, you know, They're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get 'em back. My father wasn't there for me, but damn it I'm gonna be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!

Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment. Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on. This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here.

I think I got a wave here! Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE. How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight! Don't worry, honey.

So, I'm shaving last night at this make-out party. I took a bunch of pictures. You can see them on my MySpace page, along with my favorite songs and movies, and things that other people have created, but that I use to express my individualism. I have a MySpace page, too. Yeah, I have mine ironically. Hey, why don't you guys get lost?

You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. What? What? (DOORBELL RINGING) Dylan! What are you doing here? My mom wanted me to give you this. "To Brian, from Tracy. He's your problem now.

It's not important. Want a sip?

Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else. Oh. My problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her? Oh, so what? (STUTTERS) All those things are behind me now.

I think you're an idiot.

Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now. Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.

Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House.

Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar. Now here's Roy! Ha. Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown. Uh-uh, This here's A hootenanny. Hoedown!

So, Peter, any luck finding your wallet? No, and it's getting to be a pain in the ass. I got no money. I couldn't even afford to get my hair cut yesterday. That'll be $5. Sorry, lost my wallet. But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch.

Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe.

Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny.

Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Remember me, dirt bag?

I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.

Dear God, this is where we're sleeping? Oh, Come on, Lois. They said they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow. And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed.

on which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy

Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup!

Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool! We are going right to the top together! Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one fucking stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here! I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe. Thanks, Quagmire.

No. (URINATING STOPS) Okay, here we go. (FLATULENCE) Sorry, this is turning into something else. All right, kids, gather around. Time to make our yearly terrible call to Great Aunt Helen. (BUTTONS BEEPING) (PHONE RINGING) HELEN: Hello? Hi, Aunt Helen.

Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.

now. - Well, how'd you do? - I failed. - What? You failed? - Yup. Well, then what the hell are you smiling for? Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself. And I didn't cheat.

Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote. Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer!

Please don't send me away. I have to.

We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid.

Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go. But we're cool, right? (SIGHS) Peter, we have to talk. Look, I thought this FCC thing was a good idea at first, but it's-- it's just gone way too far. What, uh, are you saying, Lois? Well, I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right.

Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess!

(MOCK CRYING) I'm sad about stuff! (MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Give me the simple life Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant Those things roll off my knife Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes Give me the simple life

I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy. I'm gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some more exercise. Yes, Yes. I do seem to have gained a bit of girth.

In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.

and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching. This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa. Why not? Because there's no such... Because when you get there, you may find out it isn't what you thought it was, and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed.

I think the only reason we die is-- Dude, Dude, I know what you're gonna say. And I am so completely-- Wait, wait, wait! Shh-shh-shh. The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability.

(GROANS) My neck! You backed into me, and now... MURIEL: And your back! And my back! My back, yes! (GROANS)

Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?

Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home? It's you? Are we already out of our own characters? What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole?

Now I can't say... in my own...house?

Oh. My God, this house is freakin' sweet

He's a hero in these parts, huh? Use your head. Peter, you're acting like an idiot. Oh, yeah? I don't like the way you've been acting lately. I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please? What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.

Oh, you mean Blossom?

We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo!

You stick to things. You know, Like an adhesive. Ha. That's all he meant. You have a pretty good appetite there, kid. I bet you spend a lot of time in the john.

(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)

oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

Peter, we are not going to New York! Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed.

Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?

Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What? - You have cancer! - What? Yeah. I thought you should know. Okay, go back to sleep. Wait, I have questions. (SIGHS) It's very late.

So, let's go see the U.S.A. They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee But you can forgive the world and its flaws and follow me there because

I guess we can try that-- Action!

We blew it, didn't we?

- PETER! - What? Are you sleeping on the job? No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

Certainly. That's Robert Loggia. R as in Robert Loggia. O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia." B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia." E as in "Everybody loves Robert Loggia."

And I learned something today.

Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here. Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!

My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

Peter, you're not getting money for that or anything else. We're running seriously low on cash right now. In fact, I may have to get my own full-time job. Jeez, are we really living that close to the edge? You know we are, Brian. Why do you think we waited so long to take you to the groomer's last month? Hey, isn't it time for me to get a haircut?

Oh, wow. I feel like an explorer. Just like my ancestor, Ponce de Leon Griffin. There it is boys, the Fountain of Youth. Just like I told you. Well, that was worth the 8-year boat ride.

Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap. No! No, I shall put you down for a nap, Mother! Blast!

Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances - Get out of here. Yeah, okay.

With Chris. Chris and I have plans this afternoon. We do? Yeah, we're doing that thing. We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon. Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. Oh, there's the cute prom couple.

Eight! That's 56 in human years! Okay, Lois. I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter! Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least! Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired.

(SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster?

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

Wow, thanks. You think you could help out my friend Meg here? Yeah, I think I could give her a hand. (LAUGHING) Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out.

There they are, team Pewterschmidt. Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub? Oh, this is not a bathtub. This is the SS Pewterschmidt Kicker.

And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game I never would've learned this valuable lesson. Honey, I'm begging you.

I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging? ls somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy?

Muy importante! ALL: Muy importante! A donkey just bit a child in the hallway. Wow, I've never been to a cop bar before. Yeah, look at the bartender.

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

Seriously, put your hand like you're gonna pull a carrot out of the ground. Obi-Wan, Yoda said there's another Skywalker. There is, Luke. You have a sister. A sister? Who is it? Who the hell you think it is? Who's the only goddamn woman in the galaxy?

"I mean, I guess there's only, like, a 1 in 50 chance "of me getting the same spoon that he had, "but I still don't like them odds." (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, I can't bear this anymore! If Stewie can't find his way out of Meg's ass,

All aboard for the Grand Canyon.

You're not gonna get away with this, Mr. Googlesearch. Oh, but I think that I will. You two know my secret. I must be sure no one ever finds out the truth. So, what? Are you gonna kill us? Perhaps, Mr. Griffin. I have not yet decided.

Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Man, I got to work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh? What? PETER'S DAD: Peter!

QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba!

I hate these hats. Yes, sir. Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today. Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy, Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and...

How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister. Oh, my God, Lois. I never thought I'd see you again. These are my children. Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick? Well, when I was just a little boy,

Oh, yeah, sure. Then whose is it? MAN: It's mine. I'm Dick Pump, and I'd appreciate it if you hooligans didn't get your eggs all over my parcel. Sorry. I keep getting your mail, Dick. Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff.

Want to go for a swim? Sure. You're a girl? Of course I am! Oh, my God!

I was a very cute baby and now I'm a joyless adult.

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies.

(MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat.

Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this!

Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed. Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it. Oh.

Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

Uh-oh, foot odor. I have to go.

Sorry, everybody. Okay, I'm on my way. He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous. I can't believe I actually touched him. I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Ouahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer? 'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model. - I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man!

(MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s.

Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You know Daddy. He won't rest until he kills something on every continent. Ha-ha. But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas. It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents. Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me? Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Come on. Nailing a different wife every night? That's a no-brainer. Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy, the checkout girl from the Korean market. Nancy, our postal carrier. And you know Tiffany, the filthy woman who stands downtown and screams at traffic. I ate a tube of Crest for dinner! Isn't she funny? She's definitely the Kramer of my Mormon wives.

I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go...

She has feelings, you know, and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. You don't really think I'm like that, do you?

Um... I--I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i... I--I don't see any reason to--to throw it out. It's... The waist is still fine.

Someday I know We, too, will go Somewhere that's

God, your hands are like ice! Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter.

But this girl, she just creates chaos for the sake of chaos. So what are you saying? I'm saying, she's a bad influence on you, and you should stop spending time with her. I shall do no such thing! Penelope is wonderful. We're going to be together forever. Well, Rupert, this is a big mess.

which means that Miss Stephanie Griffin is our new Little Miss Texas! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, I never expected this! Oh, I'm so, so honored! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl!

Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out? I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace. Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian,

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man.

Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it. Okay, now I get it.

I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Superman 5: The Broken Condom.

Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Our own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself! I'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol, you'll be completely unharmed?

Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away. We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that?

Peter, What are you doing? I spent hours soldering that costume for you. I don't need it anymore, Lois. I quit the team. Quit the team? But You can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were-- D-d-Did you just say "big meet"?

Ah, Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing. Hey, fellas. Wow! Ted Turner! I told you guys not to invite him. Oh, He must've followed us. Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low?

Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy. Fine, I didn't want to play anyway! Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square!

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers.

(CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come! (BUZZING) Okay. Okay, they're on there. Let's just... Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad.

Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved,

I think, still, yes. Thank you, Peter. All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with? A very pregnant Gina Gershon, or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident? Oh, hey, hang on, hang on. Look, you know, I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex?

Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America ALL: The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

Oh, my gosh! He was just floating out there by himself? Yep. He was so grateful I saved his life, he invited us all over for dinner tonight. Oh, Good. I don't have to cook. Oh, no, no. Go ahead and Cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty. Say, Peter, uh, My audition's coming up.

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite.

Peter, I'm sorry you've got to give up the country club life. Oh, that's okay, Lois. 'Cause you know, I got to say, I don't think those rich guys have it all that great. Too much stress. You know, you give me the choice, I'll choose our life any day of the week. Me too, Peter. Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself.

Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?

Nice work, rookie. You're a credit to the force. Additional generic cop compliment, Brian. Thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose and a few other equally amazing appendages.

Worth it! (GROANING) You fool!

Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I--I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry! I think we just have to face it, Peter.

He needs hugs! Doorbell! Doorbell! Hi, We're from the One World, One People Book-of-the-Month Club. Is there something missing in your life? You know, I just bet there is. Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual!

God, I wasn't even gonna do it!

Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. I'm very disappointed in you.

This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland. Is Portland the black one? Portland is the black one.

Maxine is the lady Who's feeling all right. thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) Euthanasia for the mentally feeble. Das ist gut.

You know, Lois, you might actually be interested in reading this. You might actually... You might like this. You should look at it. All right, damn it!

Cobra! Oh, it's Cobra. Oh, of course. Look, they have the pictures of the snakes on their planes. Duke, what have I been saying for years? What makes a good terrorist organization? Brand recognition. Brand recognition.

Why not? Why not? Why not? That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working!

it was time to tell the truth. Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite dish! Oh? And who diD? I was just a 15-year-old girl. But at that moment, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make new friends. But only one chance to get a new car. And I had to take it. Ok, I did iT.

But Brian, Brian's solid. He's the one guy I know I can trust.

You can have... Um... You can have strawberry yogurt. I don't like strawberry yogurt. Oh, picky for someone who eats the same food out of a plastic bowl on the floor every night. Okay, I get it. A bowl that starts in the kitchen at the beginning of a meal and ends up in the living room. Shut up. And then forgets four seconds later that he ate it.

You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience. (BOTH SHOUTING) And here we thought the weed was inspiring us.

Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others? Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Sorry, Lois.

Ow! I misjudged you, fat man.

Well, maybe if I'd seen you kiss your girlfriend. - Fine. - What was that? What is she, your grandmother? (SCOFFS) That's no kiss. Watch this. (MOANING)

(BOTH MOANING) You know, I can just wash it off when I get home. Why? What's in there? CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

I'm walking on sunshine Whoa-oh

(SIGHS) "Mary, would you like to..." Without the sigh in front of it, please. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm! "We don't even know anybody there!" You see, she's a real spitfire, this girl. Now, you got to bring that out or else I have nothing to react to. Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

Well, I've got a way that you can eat all you want and look like a Hollywood starlet. Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey. Hiya, Meg. Hi. Gosh, Mr. Pukey, you sure are good at making fat women hot. Wow, thanks. You think you could help out my friend Meg here?

Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance... my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model. Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in.

Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard

(LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you? I understand you make Star Wars figurines. Oh, Grievous. Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say? I don't know. Come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower. - But I like that guy. - Too late.

So, I followed it, and it led me to a hatch over there in the parlor. The same thing happened to me. But with a moustache. All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News.

Colonial. Furniture's pretty good. Possibly imported area rug.

Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah.

Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent but you might want to tell Lois the truth. What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square?

I mean, I'm glad we got to hang. I mean, you're a good negro. - No, I... - Relax, man. I like you, too. Okay, yeah, that's all I was trying to... Yeah, good evening.

Girlfriend, you know what time it is? No. What time is it? It's time for you to get your groove back...again!

You can have me. (GIGGLING)

So you want me to do you in the front.

Look, Carter, I'll make a deal with you. You give me just one day to show you how great retired life can be for an old fella, and I'll let you honk the horn one time. - Really? - Uh-huh. - (HORN HONKING) - (LAUGHS) I'm pretending there's traffic. There you go, that's... Once! God, I wasn't even gonna do it!

Good morning, good morning to you

All the kids have drug problems. Most of them have OD'd. That's terrible. Well, not all kids make it, Lois. Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em.

Oh, Reginald! I disagree! I would like a "bunny."

Join me for what? No, PETA, the organization. - What organization? - PETA. What? PETA is an acronym, Peter. No, I'm not. I'm Catholic. Are we really doing this? No. Peter, I'm just saying maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. Somebody's having a rally for me now? No! For PETA! That's me! I'm Peter! I'm not talking about you, Peter!

Okay, now, we gotta make sure we've got all the provisions before we head up to base camp. 'Cause I don't think there's gonna be a Star Market halfway up the mountain. (LAUGHING) Oh, Mom. That's our local market at home. Okay, let's split up and meet in an hour in front of The Yak Shack. And my mom is pounding on the door, and I'm like,

Not until I have my husband back! (SCREAMS) My perfect ass! Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot.

Why, you soulless witch!

(SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear. You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married? You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear?" Well, this is it. This is it. I'm living it, baby. No, you're not.

Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures.

Hey, Tyler, you on your way to Algebra? Yeah, I'll see you there. (SOBBING) (THUDDING) You're awful! ANNOUNCER: The preceding joke was brought to you by men. (COMMERCIAL JINGLE PLAYING)

Each little elf used to fill up a shelf Making playthings and selflessly thrilling us Now they're on crack and it feels like Iraq Because Christmastime is killing us Each model train only heightens the pain of a workload that's draining and drilling us

(SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

Hey, where are you going? You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body.

Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum. There you go, All fixed. Ha! Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake. Oh. Well, Did you save it? Uh, No. You bastarD.

Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done?

I want to find the right words to describe how much I agree with you.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know? Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! BURGLAR: What did she say? She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale.

(BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH SIGHING)

Hey, forget that klutz. Hmm. Maybe this one. Hey. Looking at you pretty normal, huh? No! Ah, fudge. Wait, I know! I'll figure this out. The pieces are all there.

Because not only do condoms fail 100 percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would you? STUDENT: No. And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married. So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful?

Ah! That was excellent.

Yeah. I guess it's all right, though. You and I will find true love someday. Yeah, I suppose. So, how was it having sex with Carolyn? I think I'm gonna remember it forever. Oh, yeah? How so? Brian, do you think you could identify a genital wart?

Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

I got you, you bastard! Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap!

Ya! Ahh! Ahh! Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

- Is he... - Yep. He's dead.

Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey!

Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS) Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this. Oh, wait. I can do this part.

$500, $700, $10,000? How about $12? Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish!

I'm being a rascal and ringing people's doorbells and running away.

LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah. LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and... Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years? Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that? Say what, now? You don't deserve her. She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation.

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

I mean, the guy on the show, he's already an adult, you know? So it's not like he's gonna grow into Bob Saget. It doesn't make sense. Thank you for your time. Well, what do you think? Look, Daddy, I agree with what you're trying to do, but I just don't think this is gonna work. It's so artificial. You're asking for a spanking, young lady.

(MUFFLED) I think... I think... I think...

I support the death penalty to show people that killing is wrong.

No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.

Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help! Hey, hey, hey, let her go! Or what? Or... I don't know, man, but you're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean.

My name is Chris. I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?

We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. I mean, I was just remarking what a nice tie you have on. I love this tie. All right, you folks take care now.

How could you say that to me? Just calling it like I see it. Listen, why don't you... You know what? You can just go to hell! Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't mean to start anything. Let's just forget it, okay? We're having a good time. I don't want to forget it. How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?

(TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Stop it! You stop it! Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world, and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention! How can you allow this? Robin Williams has given us nothing but joy! I wish everyone was Robin Williams! (SCREAMS)

It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling, I'd find that one person who would make me whole. Thanks, Mr. Quagmire. You don't have to thank me. Now, get on out of here, you little scamp. All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip?

So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?

Peter, Meg's been in there a long time. Boy, you cannot wait to criticize her at every turn, can you? Go get her! Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier.

(WATER RUNNING) - Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow.

(COMPUTER BEEPING) They did not need much. All right, Stewie, your turn. Okay, I have to destroy Copenhagen with a tidal wave, and the theme is the Roaring Twenties. That's... That's a challenge.

aah! That'll be $27.50.

Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh?

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) (TRUCK HONKING) Almost there. Eat my dust, Lois. (BRAKES SCREECHING) (PETER EXCLAIMING)

All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's? I had to book it the day of my ultrasound. We'll never find another place in time! Oh, For once, it was all gonna be so perfect!

I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs. Don't! You are Jesus. Yes. I am.

You're alone and scared. Oh! But it's all right. it's all right. It's sloppy-joe day. Oh! Ok, pull it back. Pull it back. The lady touched the bun and she's not wearing gloves. Oh! Ok, Fast-forward. You're a businessman, and you manage a lot of people. And Here comes Henderson and he lost the big account. You're mad. Madder. Madder!

I can't believe we're doing this, but I gotta say, it feels kind of right. I know, it's so weird, right? I mean, it's, like, fast. I mean, it's fast, but it feels, like, okay, you know? I mean, like, isn't that crazy? It's like this adventure that we're having together. I know. That's exactly how I feel.

What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie!

Yeah, I brought the ashes of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Nicholson,

Peter, you remember Coco, my friend from Newport?

(INHALING DEEPLY) You don't see poor people doing this! Lois, don't you understand? We don't got any of our old problems anymore. We don't have to worry about paying bills, we don't have to worry about saving dough. All we got to do is enjoy ourselves. Interested? (GASPS)

Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

(KICKING) Road House. Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House.

My goodness! A human thumb.

Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it!

Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

"Their plans somehow relate "to the anniversary of my escape from the womb. "I'm still haunted by the memories "of how I was incarcerated "in that amniotic Attica.

There it is. Washington, DC, the seat of government for the world's former most powerful nation. Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument.

Peter Griffin, the guy who took down O.J. Marcia Clark sure couldn't do it. That dumb beaver. Hey, I wasn't even there. I was building a Canadian dam at the time. Did you know that beavers affect their ecosystem more than any other animal? Except man. (LAUGHS) He was in our house earlier.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Come on, everybody. Let's go. Oh, this is so exciting. This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta.

Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie!

Oh, my God! A genie!

Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!

Real long. One time at Hatch Pond--

(ELECTRICAL WHIRRING)

I'm very mysterious when I'm inside you, y'know. Like, um, um, Like the wind, you know.

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away.

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

But face it, ladies, your best friends are not hot.

One at a time, please. The whore gets her stubby fingers... He puts cigars in his mouth... ...in my wallet! Larceny! ...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way. Guys, I told you to wait in the car. Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles!

ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What?

'cause it'd be really soft, and I could call it chink, and that's okay. Geez, doesn't the mall close soon? We've been here forever. Would you relax? We're right here. I'm next.

In some ways, Army life in Iraq is what you'd expect, what with the blistering heat, the constant sense of impending danger, and the one gay soldier awkwardly avoiding the use of pronouns. Man, I sure miss my sweetheart back home. I can't wait to get back to that person. Chow time, boys.

I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again!

Oh, my God! Neil!

You abandoned me! And some larger children took my candy.

Boy, I'm sure getting my money's worth out of this rental car. Okay, all right, I got one. Would you rather be a hobo with a five percent chance of getting inherited by a rich guy, or be Hitler two years before the end of World War II? 'Cause you know you're gonna have to shoot yourself, but you still got two more years as Hitler. If you're the hobo, do you have a place to sleep,

You suck! Get off the stage! What do we do? I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here. How about a funny story about Lake Wobegone? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree.... Oh, no. Kids, your father's in trouble.

Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography.

What? Yeah, and I got to go to work now. So I hope he's not, like, hungry or nothing. This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal.

Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.

Relax, Han, I'll be careful... (SCREAMING) Cookie!

I don't care what you think of me! Oh, God. I envy that. I am so self-conscious about what people think of me.

I'd almost forgotten what it's like to be romanced. Come on, Bonnie, we are leaving. What? Look, I'm doing you a favor. My stool will sleep alone tonight. Bonnie, this is insanity. Promise me you'll put this whole affair thing out of your head. Lois, I'm just having fun.

HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

O.J. Simpson? I may be a dumb beaver, but I'm smart enough to get out of here.

Oh, my God, look at that. Wow, that looks pretty bad. Is the Chinese guy dead? (SNIFFING) Wait. We were in this car. I can smell us all in this car! This must be the accident that put us all in the hospital. See if there's a registration in the glove compartment.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Peter. Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible. Oh, I didn't get any sleep.

What did you make this cocoa out of, crap? If you want me to make it again, I-- Sorry, Lois. I-it's my fault. I just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap! I'll be right back. I brought you something to rEAd. OH, Glamour, great. I can learn how to please my man. Go get me an Entertainment Weekly. I hear it's got a great picture of me sneaking up on Tom Snyder.

Wh--wh--What the devil are you doing here? Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him. Hya!

Hang on, I'll fix it.

Oh, wait, now they're telling me they do want to show it. I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem? Ah, damn! Which one's the Chinese one?

Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? They followed orders. You're saying our troops are like the Nazis? No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted in the deaths of millions of people throughout history. You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. Carol, how are you? Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes.

(SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie." 'Cause I's gonna be huge. I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.

(LAUGHING) That's not how you dry a baby. He has to do it 'cause his wife has the job. But motherhood's a job. Motherhood's a job too, though.

It sure is good to have you back, Mom. Yeah, we missed you. Well, thanks for putting up with me, you guys. Sorry, I got so flipped out about my age. Aw, don't worry about it, Lois. But from now on, remember, I love you just the way you are. And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35. Peter, I'm 43.

What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!

(LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing!

Peter, you sure it's okay to be at the brewery after hours? Relax, Joe, this is where I work. Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.

And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell! Oh, Here's the paper towels. I--i--I changed my mind!

I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue. Yeah. But it was up in Monkeykid. (SHOUTING) What?

Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble?

Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm-- I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now. Come on, I got to watch the Emmys. Peter, you're going to Meg's play and that's that. Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first.

All right, CHRIS! Dad! Dad, look! T-That's great, Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here. I'm real proud of you, champ. Let's go get a milkshake. You got it, Mr. Drummond.

Well, Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor. Welcome back, Fargas. Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth! No, No, Lois. The janitor'll do that. tom, I'm getting word that the quahog School Board has just dismissed Randall Fargas,

Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME.

Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go!

Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal. I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care?

And now, the embryos will be inserted. The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING)

(LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade," as it's pronounced, Brian, as long as I see fit! Oh! Oh! Shh! Hi, Karina. Oh. Hi, Julie. God, I love your makeup. You know, I'm thinking of asking them to do my makeup like yours. Oh, you don't need makeup.

That sounds like Jock Jams. It is similar to Jock Jams. It is Jock Jams.

Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. Uh, How much are we getting? Let's see. $150 a week. Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.

One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part. Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul.

My name is Chris, and I like candy and jumping and colorful birds. Wow! What else do I like? You like the pop singing of today. (POP MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING IN GERMAN)

Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here. You know what? Look, Cleveland, look. See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland. Let me out of here! I need to get out of here. Cleveland, no, you're staying. This is for your own good. Oh, my God!

Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer!

God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here! stop it! Stop it! Stop worshipping me!

Somebody burned down Jerome's house last night. This whacked-out world! It just makes you want to grab your nephew and get in a van and shoot people in the DC area. Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him! And no one would blame you.

Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart. Hey, Stewie, play Haydn. Now play Handel. Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge.

And while I remind you I can't read yet, I can only imagine Madeline would say, "Take me out of this disgusting French hospital "and find me some real parents." (GRUNTS IN PAIN) Paper cut!

Perhaps I'll make it blue.

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object. Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things. Oh, my God!

(STILL PLAYING)

Oh, crap! It was prison you were thinking of. Prison.

She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING) (PANTING) Are you okay?

Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOCALIZING IN TUNE)

(BANGING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING) It's big, isn't it? Yes, Peter. It's very big. Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah.

Lando's cool Yeah! You're the coolest, Lando! Yeah. We never spontaneously broke into song and dance before you arrived. I'll never touch another toad again. None of us will. Yeah. I know I won't. You never did it in the first place! God, you're such a wannabe loser.

Nothing. Nothing. See you next week.

You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

What do you mean I'm broke? What about all that money I sent to the Gayman Islands? They did what with it? No, I don't want it back! Lois, give him the ring. What? No! Give him the ring, Lois, I swear to God, I'll cut your finger off. Oh, you beast! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs. I shall miss you, too, sir.

Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR. "I'm so stressed. "Life sure is a human race." Right, that's brilliant!

Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)

(GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!

Well, maybe it is. Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did. What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible! Someday... Someday we'll make it right.

ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report brought to you by Kia. Kia: Too bad it's a Kia. A big day at Fenway today,

Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

PETER: No! You said I could have two friends over. And I didn't. Joe couldn't come. So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend. You come out here right now! PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games!

Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda.

All right, I've booked us on a flight that leaves in two hours.

What the hell would we ever need guns for? Victory is ours. Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope! Ahh!

Isn't that the American dream? Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper. Mayor West only banned gay marriage so he could distract from the Dig 'Em scandal. He won't get away with it. Oh, Jasper, where'd you get these brownies? They're from a bakery in the West Quahog gay district. I thought they'd help my depression. Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God, they pack so much fudge into these.

(EXCLAIMS) So, what's with you? No Valentine's Day plans? (SCOFFS) No. I've had it with Valentine's Day. I'm sick of all of it. Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just...

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you people, but I didn't know where else to go. I haven't seen Peter in two days. And I just thought he might be here. What? Oh, my God. Peter's missing? Hang on, hang on, hang on. Before anyone gets too worked up, I know where Peter is. Where? I put him in a straight camp. You what?

Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.

Absolutely. I love being around the stage. Except for that time we went to see Phantom of the Opera. Music is the gift I give to you PETER: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here! That nose better be piggy.

Is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us

Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was... That was just unpleasant. Sorry about that. It's okay. You know what, Bill? You were right. Ever since you and I have been hanging out, I feel 20 years younger. You've completely changed my life. See, I told you, Peter. Age is just a state of mind. So what do you want to do next?

I know how hard you've been working. And the whole family appreciates it.

I am so all about Ultimate Frisbee. (SIGHS) STEWIE: Oh, no! Did that hit Crazy Stairs?

You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together. Me, too, Lois. It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with. Don't you have any back home? Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that. That's kind of what I want to talk to you about, Brenda. Do you mind taking off your sunglasses?

I'm, uh--ju-- Uh, keeping the couch fresh. Dad! It's ok, Meg. I understand what's going on here. I'm gonna go. oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava. I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house?

We'll see you in a little while.

Look, i--i--I really don't even know why I'm here. The urologist said I was fine. Well, sometimes these things can be psychological. Doubt that! I mean, I've got a very comfortable life. I live with a great family. All my needs are met. Ok, look. So, maybe this isn't where I thought I was gonna be at 7 years old.

Yeah, that was cool. I remember that. Classic.

Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So I have no choice but to set you free. Does that mean I get my kids back? Absolutely not. Case closed. Oh, crap! It was prison you were thinking of. Prison. I already banged the hammer.

Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See?

I'm driving here! Whoa! (GROANING) Ooh, that's gotta hurt. (ANNOUNCER LAUGHING) And introducing that joke! Ben-Him and Ben-Her! Even Noah wouldn't put these two together.

She won't call. Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment.

"What were once two firm, impressive mountain peaks "have become a barren, strip-mined, muddy landslide "that droops ever downward.

Glenn, we are so thrilled for you. Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero. Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking.

Gladiator mice. (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing! (SIGHS) What a horrible morning. You know, all I wanted was for us to share a simple Sunday church service as a family. But I guess that's too much to ask.

Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. But I didn't want you to forget about mine.

Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

I Would've never done it. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, I went to the streets to find out. Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No. No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable.

You'll never find a girl unless you're willing to make exceptions and compromise so you can find your love Lois, I don't think I have to compromise a thing I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't get me oh, and How long has the coffee been on the burner in the kitchen? I could really use a cup about now oh, It's not very fresh, you see, I meant to make more

MALE TV ANNOUNCER: And now, Quahog Channel 5 presents "Movie and a Bath with a Guy Named Lou." Hey. It's Saturday night, and you know what that means. We're gonna take a bath and watch the 1984 interesting movie, Gremlins.

- I say, Caruthers. - Hmm? Do you know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing. Hmm, Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh. - Yes. - Hmm. Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!

Now let's hear your fake laugh. How was your date, you guys? Lois, it was wonderful. I wish it didn't have to end.

You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God.

You know, you never really know what somebody thinks of you, but I'm glad I made a good first impression. Would you like to be friends? Like to be friends. Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly. - What's your name? I'm Peter. - Peter. No way! That's my name! Hey, you should come home and spend the night at my house. Lois, will you make up the guest room? Peter, that's someone's pet. You can't just take it.

I've taped football games without the express written consent of the National Football League. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not perfect. The only difference is I have the courage to admit it. Does anyone else have the courage? If so, why don't you just come on up here and join me? He's right. I'm not perfect.

You know, whatever's on. Look, Peter. It's your favorite show. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois. There's only one show I want to see. It's a little something I call Make Every Day Count,

No, but she'll make 0.5 past light speed. If you want, I'll show you around, since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us. Stop that ship, blast them. Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.

That was beautiful, Brian. Well, you know what they say, write what's in your heart. (SLURRING) Hey! Oh, did... Did I miss Byron's reward? Brian's award. And, yes, you did, Peter. You've been a good son, Brian, and I'm sorry you're so sick.

Look, Brian, I know you're upset now,

Okay, Mr. Cranky. One, two, three! There we go! You didn't need me. You did that yourself. Good for you. You need anything else? No, I'm fine, thank you. Okay, you guys have fun.

I just don't want to. Get away!

- still mE. - OH. Brenda? Yes? Just kiddin', it's still me. We now begin our final approach into Los Angeles international. if you look out the window to your right, you'll see the San Fernando Valley, where my brother Gary makes a very nice living directing porn. We'll be on the ground in 10 minuteS. Aw, jeez.

- Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good?

Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here. No!

Nice work, rookie. You're a credit to the force. Additional generic cop compliment, Brian.

Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound. Now try it again. "How do you do?"

Oh, God, Peter, let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now. Lois. Lois, wait. Wait! Opie's right there. I want him to look, Peter. (SHOUTING)

Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of... NIKKI: 24! No, that's it. We're done. Anyone watching, do not count 24. NIKKI: Pancakes! Okay, I don't know what she's doing now. Somebody turn the machine off. Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car.

You know, I kind of agree.

I was about to bone my girlfriend, out at the lake,

Well, it's--it's not an instrument! It's more of an object! But it's blunt! Hard and blunt! And, well, it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was raking! Let's go! All right, we need some wheels.

Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? 16. 18? You're first. Mom! I like where this is goin'. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

I said no, Meg. I'll pay you a hundred bucks. Fine, I'll keep it in my bum. There'll be plenty of room. That's my sarcastic way of saying it's not gonna happen. Good day, Meg.

How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.

Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

My cab's right outside. (SHOUTING) (ROARING)

May I borrow your pen? You... Do you want me to just stick it in there? Yes.

I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age? Hurry up! The glue's wearing off! All right! All right! We did it. Job well done.

Um, you know, I was having a problem understanding why I'd be taking abuse from this--this lower- ranking officer played by Chris O'Donnell.

Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws. Looks like someone's a little lost. Everyone, I have some bad news.

I do not miss that ogresS. She can burn in hell for all I care! Sure she can. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "I've grown accustomed to her face

(BLEATING) Lois, I need $28,000. For what? I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door.

Oh! Ahh! You-- Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving.

Dad? Meg, what are you doing at West Beverly? They're really reaching for guest stars in the 10th season. Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here!

I've got my top hat and cane and a pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles Pocketful of miracles You suck! Somebody get a hook!

I'll tell you what it's about. It's about you and Ross Fishman! What? I saw you with him the other day, breaking the 5th commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois! Oh, That's it! Peter, you're suffocating me with your jealousy. I can't take it anymore. I'm calling a marriage counselor. I mean, I can't even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out!

Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg.

Ok, look, We're just gonna have to go on without her. Give me a "D!" "D!"

(DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please.

"P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. "The end." (SIGHS) Wow. I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING) I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Oh, Mort!

Somebody want to handle that? Does somebody... Does somebody want to deal with that? The car alarm. "What?" You're kidding.

What do you mean you're leaving me here?

Hello, neighbor.

Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story.

Lois Griffin. You're a piece of work, you know that? An hour late and you're drunk. You had an opportunity to share a beautiful moment with Brian, and you wasted it, wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water. (SHOWER RUNNING) Who's in the shower? Is it Donny?

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

I see your problem. I think I might be able to help.

But it was too late. And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away.

That's it! Peter, we have got to get rid of her. I couldn't agree more. Just let me see if Mikey sells those things with batteries or what the situation is there. Consuela, I'm sorry, but this is not working out. We're asking you to go. No. I stay. I clean.

You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched. (Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

Who Wants to Marry Corky from "Life Goes On"? You won't believe what happened. Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going?

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub.

Mr. Griffin, with all due respect, we live in two different worlds. I must do what is best for my son, and I have.

And there I go I just fall in love again And when I do

He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!

But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go.

Just give it a chance. Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while.

Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?

but, you know, all the songs describe my feelings. I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch.

I've run that company for 40 years. He even froze my corporate bank accounts. I'm broke! Oh! That's ridiculous. I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home.

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch. THE quaRTerly review's tomorrow.

Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me?

Don't move! aah! A little helP?

Brian, look! Mamma mia! What is this? Leonardo da Vinci, I presume. Who are you, little lisping baby? Your assassin, you overrated caricaturist!

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka. boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka. boom-shacka-lacka- lacka-lacka-boom. Peter, it's over.

Just waiting for my breakfast... Lois! I know how to get her attention. Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me!

I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

...stop! Lois is my queen, man. Kissing up to her, monopolizing her... Keep hitting on my woman... You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! (YELLING IN SPANISH) And another... What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)

That's a great idea. Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Lois, stay down. Don't get up. You've got nothing to prove. ...five, six... You get up, you die! (SNARLING) I've had enough of you! (EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYING)

I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? Hispanic from Spain? No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die?

(LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right! (WOLF-WHISTLING) Money! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner.

What are you doing? I just adopted 30 puppies.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again.

- Oh, my God! - Hey, Meg, you seen my pants? Lois, by the way, we're out of toilet paper.

Lois, uh, I was thinking, w-Why don't I fly out to Palm Springs and pick up Stewie? Really? yeah, A trip like this is just what I need to clear my head. Well, That would be wonderful. It'll give me time to catch up on my reading. Oh, Usually there are so many distractions.

Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?

Oh, Yes! And--And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there.

Do you want to say 9:00? Sure. See you then. Oh, my God! I'm in love.

this is going to change Mayor West's mind, and we are gonna have Jasper's wedding here. Fine. Then until this is all over, I'll stay somewhere else. Come on, Stewie, we're going to Grandma and Grandpa's. Fine, I'll go, but I'm not missing that gay wedding. I still kick myself for missing that topless cheerleader parade with the 100-foot chocolate teddy bear and the F-16s doing aerial acrobatics, choreographed to the music of Queen.

Don't! You are Jesus.

Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES)

What's that? Well, since I couldn't help you learn to use the toilet, I found something that can. It's an instructional video on toilet training. Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider. And today we're going to learn to use the potty. Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank.

Also the porn is free, but we have to watch it in the lobby. All right. Look, Brian, I realize it's not the Bellagio, but I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Yeah, I know. I know. And, come on, it's not the worst place. Look, the bloody handprint on that wall is giving a thumbs-up. That's not a thumbs-up. That's a hand with a penis in it.

These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot. This course is in getting laid, not finding love.

Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I hope you know I love you, Dad. Peter, come closer. There's something I need to say to you. I'm here, Dad. What is it?

Aha! Who are you? How did you get in here? Shut up, Pelosi. Are you here to take my baby? No, I'm here to strap you to a board, put a cloth in your mouth, and pour water over it to simulate the sensation of drowning. Yeah! Traditional values!

Oh! Hi, Brian. It was so nice of you to invite your girlfriend over for dinner. I invited her for dinner? Yes, you did. You wanted her to meet the family. Now, come here, Brian. Come sit by your friend Stewie.

Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect!

(FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart.

Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival. Yeah, we're just gonna have to do what Davy Crockett would do.

We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her?

He's a family guy

Relax, honey. It's only for tonight. Roll over. Roll over, I say! Smells like cheese. Ok. "Insert Rod Support 'A' into Slot 'B.'"

Well, this is the last entry in the datebook. "Super secret meeting at motel. Inform no one." I think we got him now. You know, you really shouldn't lie on that bedspread. I saw this report on TV about how filthy hotel rooms are. In a moment, we will use the special lights to see just how filthy this seemingly clean hotel room really is.

Thanks, Duke. Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery. Thanks a lot, Dallas.

Brian, come over here and meet Sea Breeze, my prize-winning dog.

As it yields to the sound of your heart beating Bum, bum, bum All right, Peter, who's it going to be? Who do you want to sleep with? Who we kidding, Lois? This is never going to work. Let's just forget the whole thing.

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think.

Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

(CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag. James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time.

Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action.

Gay Elmer Fudd. (LAUGHING) The more you hear it, the funnier it gets.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.

Oh, You can't be mad at your father for being himself. That's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. Ah, He was so different from everyone else. Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard I'm gonna carry you off into the sunset on a white horse.

(CHEERING) I did it, Lois! My God, I did it! You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

This is my bit. These are all my bits. (SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong.

(KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine. Trust me, you can do it.

(BOTH SCREAM) (CAR CRASHING) Goodbye, terrible women. (GASPS) Oh, my God!

Ah, Baby books.

Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.

Ah, Come on, stud. We've got it all set up for you to go out with our niece. Honey, come on out here and meet Peter Griffin. Peter, this is our niece, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nice to meet you. All right, I'm getting up. Hi. Peter Griffin. So, Where do you want to go? We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore.

Man, they'd have to be stupider than you are when you fart yourself awake. (FARTS) (EXCLAIMS) What the... What... Who's there? What's going on?

What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do. TIN MAN AND SCARECROW: What's that? Talk me out of it.

Hello, I'm Helen Dougan. My husband had filled out an organ donor card before he passed away, and a woman just lost her face in a freak accident. Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

I'm filthy? i'm flithy? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that? Hmm? Aah! How dare you! Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert. Hey, Lois, give Chris a break.

What are you looking for, Brian?

Hey, Lois, honey?

I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed.

- Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

Peter, isn't that-- Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet! How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it.

"@yahoo.com." W-w-w-Wait a second. Death? I, uh, I used to fear ya, but now I'm glad we met. Because you've given me a great gift. The complete Boz Scaggs. How did you know? I just had a feeling. We're gonna miss you, Death. Hey, Don't worry. I'll be back. really, really soon.

Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like to plow you. I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon.

Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved,

Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

There's only one place.

Well, yeah, you didn't think Brian meant for me to go with him, did you? Great. This was a bigger waste of time than Ringo's songwriting. Hey, guys. I wrote a song. Oh, that's great. Good, Ringo. Fantastic. You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. Right on the refrigerator. That way, we'll get to see it every day.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to the NBA Playoffs on TNT. And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs.

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? No, I put 'em all in your bag. Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we? I'll see you in the car.

PETER: That went exactly as I wanted it to go.

NEWS ANNOUNCER: This Sunday on Fox, it's the new hit comedy starring America's greatest actor, Fred Savage! Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy. Yeah, but that should have been our time slot. Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal. I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter.

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What?

Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that?

All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy... A guy who loses everything, but finds his soul in Canada. All right, we're cooking now.

Huh? Huh? Huh? Ah, You don't care. Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready? Yes, Mr. Griffin, even though no one else has any pillows now. All righT! I tell you, Leonard, women are wicked creatures!

Nobody said anything about sexual.

- Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter. One, two, three, four....

New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. Not the "ho-ho" kind, but the "mm-mm" kind. Welcome to the Big Apple, fella. Yes, just Make sure there's a copy of the Wall Street Journal next to the changing table. And send a masseuse up. Legitimate! Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin.

I got $600! I got $850! I got a rock. I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!

"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. "I don't buy your product with broken quarters,

So I wanted to show you it's not so bad living like a regular guy.

Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner. He's right! How do you like that? That's amazing. And it's time to change Stewie.

They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives.

I mean, he already had enough groomsmen, so he made me an usher,

QUAGMIRE: But that wasn't the case.

Soon, Meg, soon.

I don't believe this.

- Who, me? - Well, if not you, Lois, then who? Beverly D'Angelo? 'Cause I don't think she'd do it. And I don't even know how to get ahold of her.

PETER: And then, all of a sudden, he saw her. Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,

(EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in. (IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE) Slow-motion diving at you! (BOTH GRUNTING)

Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med. Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap! Look at this place. This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow. They have tennis courts! And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs!

If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair... ...l'll never ask you for shopping money again. Please? We promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly. But I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt. Do you want to split a Toblerone?

Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck. Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape. I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed. I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military.

But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase,

you know, I wasn't when I came in. But isn't that so funny? I'm getting there. Yeah. Same here. I think the only reason we die is-- Dude, Dude, I know what you're gonna say. And I am so completely-- Wait, wait, wait! Shh-shh-shh.

I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now!

We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well,

(GUNSHOTS) God, I wish I could get tickets to that show. ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you a Channel Five News special report. Good evening. I'm Joyce Kinney with this special report. The latest police statistics have revealed a significant rise in crime throughout Quahog.

I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to Islam.

Tell your father not to start the car! You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly.

All right, we're gonna do it once more. (ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you

Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind.

What are you talking about? Listen to him, Bertram! It's true! Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad. The resulting explosion was the big bang. So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist.

Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco!

Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh!

was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

Maybe they live in a pond? Chris, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a sec? PETER: (WHISPERING) I don't think she's getting it.

Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves. Yeah, you know, they don't seem to pay out on anything. No, not at all, right?

but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, ifl could... I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public.

Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.

Hey, You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you got "fine" written all over you.

What is it? What did you do? You almost shot me, you son of a bitch! That's because you yelled! No, you shot the gun first. That's why I yelled! "That's why I yelled." I'm watching you, buddy.

Yeah? Well, honey, I saw her making out with another boy. Was she kissing with her mouth, or her pants-mouth? Because she does both. Chris, I can't believe you knew about this! That's terrible! Why would you even date a girl like that? Well, because I thought she'd be like you.

"I alone had reached the target objective, "thanks to the intrepidity "I developed at testicular boot camp. "But it was a trap! "I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for 9 grueling months."

You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying, like people who never shut up about their kids. He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water?

Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get. Hey, hey! I can be just as non-competitive as anybody. Matter of fact, I'm the most non-competitive. So I win. Come on, you can't even handle losing at checkers.

Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols?

I always wear these. MAN: That is crazy. Hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, he got it. He got it over there. The little guy got it. Who is that guy? I've never seen him around here before. How's it going, chief? Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die. (SCREAMS)

Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring?

I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

Well, this was a lot of effort for nothing. Like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks. You know, Matthew, I may not ever get another chance to say this, so I just want to get this off my chest. You are just awful. You're one of the worst actors in the history of film, (CHUCKLES) and I think that you need to go away.

The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

Uh... Nobody called ahead? What? Well, somebody from Fox was supposed to call ahead. They usually take care of it, and then I just go ahead and do stuff. I didn't get no phone call. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Oh, yes. Yes, that'll be fine. Ah.

I always knew Mayor West was a little crazy, but I never thought he was capable of something like this. The mayor's going to jail. That means anything goes. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I pushed a lady. God, I can already hear the jokes Jay Leno is gonna be telling about our mayor.

Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain! Thanks Ollie. And Finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. Trisha?

"Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay. Or is he? Let's read on.

- Indeed. - Quite. Yes. Mmm. Well, perhaps We should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person. oh. Mmm. Yes.

so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits. Cleveland! I mean Cheezits. Did Peter give you a clue for me? Peter? He's down at Barrington with Brian and Quagmire. He's golfing on our anniversary? Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING)

This is even worse than the other one. I mean, it's cool I know French, but, Death, this ain't me. What am I supposed to do? If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche. Exactly, Peter. It's called moderation. That's the key to life.

"Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

(CRICKET CHIRPING) My apologies. My pet cricket has restless leg syndrome. (SIGHS) I hope Brian's stomach pains aren't anything serious. Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves.

We should go. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex. Uh, Peter, that wasn't, uh-- You know, for a large, heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass. That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy. What was that? Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.

Here comes Scott! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers. Also, trying to comprehend their obsession with the homosexuals from 'NSYNC.

LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts. Oh! My chest hurts, too. Oh, my God. Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital. All right, hold-hold on a sec. - I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter!

Shoot, that was a stomachache. I told that guy he had polio. Look, the system specifies the defendant must be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Mayor West's life is on the line here. I'm just saying, it's possible he didn't do it. (ARGUING) That's for the jury to decide. Mayor West is crazy. He should've been locked up a long time ago.

You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.

Yeah, Hi. Uh, This is the F.B.I. calling from your house. Oh, God! Oh, hi. How is everything? good, Good. Real good. Real good. Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What?

('80s MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment. Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Your father doesn't remember his life, and he doesn't want us to be a part of it, so we've just got to move on. This is disgusting. I shouldn't be here.

Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

Okay, so he wants to be a woman, so he can be a lesbian? No, he'd date men. Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay. Okay, this is not the help I came over here for. Well, look, let's just all agree that he's odd. Huh? (LAUGHING) He has an appointment Friday with Dr. Hartman to have the procedure, and he wants me to go with him. I just, I don't know if I can handle that.

Now give that back to Mommy. Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. That is enough. You, you struck me.

I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

All right, go on, beat it, all of you. Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend. Lois isn't even into women. She just had that one experience in college with that girl Naomi. Naomi's the one who's coming. (CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay! Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

- You see Jimmy Smits in there? - Yeah. Yeah, that was cool.

Everyone, we need to discuss our problem with Chris.

All right, my first trip to a fast-food joint as a retarded guy. Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.

Chris, you have to choose. It's either Franz or me. Chris, what's the matter? You look upset.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?

I thought a horse was using the bathroom. Peter! All finished. What's next?

This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once.

Yeah, that's a great story, too. SO, You all think you got what it takes to be jousters! Well, If you're gonna joust, you got to want it! Let me hear your war cry! Is that the best you got, you pile of crap? Yes. From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises!

And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you. Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills. He won't respond to you. Oh, yeah? hey, Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr. Come on. Come to Peter. Over here, Junior. - Come on! - Come to daddy. Come on, Cleveland Jr. Come to Peter. - Come on! - Huh? Huh?

Well, he must really be gone! - Peekaboo! - How the hell did you do that? I thought you'd disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my.... Great, leave when I'm in the middle ofa sentence.

You know, next time I'd put paprika in the potato salad, and maybe add an extra tomato to thin out the gazpacho, because it's very thick. Who the hell is this bitch? Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this. Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody.

Mr. Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt! Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Let's go down the list. Uh, An unsharpened pencil? Check! A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or zero?

I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul! I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE! Welcome, gentlemen! It's him! Quick, shoot him!

Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida. (GASPS) (RETCHING)

Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something.

I'm with ya, Dad. What do we do, write a letter? I tried that once. It got me in a lot of trouble.

No, no, Peter, it's Japanese. Wait, are they the angry eye ones or the tired eye ones? I'm not sure I... The first one, I guess. I... I don't know.

Oh, gosh, this is hard. Yeah, could I get a better look at number two? And, number four, could you step forward, too? Okay, number five, look at number one. Look at him like you haven't seen him in a while and you're happy. Okay, not too happy, not too happy. Pull it back, pull it back. Okay, and number three, could you say,

(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out. (GROANING ANGRILY) What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop!

A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

"I give 110% when it comes to helping my community, "even though I occasionally associate "with some less-than-reputable characters." Peter, these lyrics are filthy. All this violent music is what's screwing Chris up. What the hell? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?

uh, getting intimate. My God! I--I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them! Wah! Wah! Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman. Aw, Did someone have a bad dream?

Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional! I still don't get it. I'm 5. Bang, bang, boom, boom! Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational! Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going.

Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY) I'm not sure what's happening.

I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on?

Something must have gone down.

Now take your fucking pants off! DYLAN: I'm out of here. STEWIE: Did you see that, Rupert? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz. Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on?

PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. Ooh, Damn!

Watch this. Oh, Stewie, stop eating like a little piggy. Maybe We should cut down on your sweets. You're starting to get a little Buddha belly. Chris, where have you been?

You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Your daughter's a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help!

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs. Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph

You've heard of this man? Ho, Ho, Ho! He's only the biggest art dealer in New York. I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s. Peter, we are not going to New York!

Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup!

Oh, my God, Peter, look! McBurgertown is on fire! It's out of control! We need someone to man the other hose! Hey, that guy has a mustache! Grab him! We need your help! Take this hose! Uh... Okay, you just want me to spray the water at the fire and try to put it out?

Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now.

Ah! "Village idiot." That's a good one. On Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis at traffic. Congratulations.

Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant. Holy crap!

Will you keep it down? It's not the second coming. Okay, so what are you doing here? Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so, kind of incognito, just to get away from the family. Plus the timing seemed good 'cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

I said umbrella. It's not umbrella.

Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard. Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS) All right, Peter, this is a tough one.

You know, Chris, if by some miracle, we do manage to get out of here alive, I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment.

Hi. Wow, you look just like your picture. You don't look anything like yours. Yeah, that's a candid from a summer job I had. Well, you're much prettier in person. - Shall we go? - Yeah, sure. Don't wait up, boys. I like him.

You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you.

Whose pickle is this?

Oh, my God, where's Frank? I'm over here. Oh. Okay. Brian, if I ever take up roller derby, what do you think my name should be? Bruisin' B. Anthony, Alicia Sleaze or Quahag? How about Harlot O'Scara?

(MESS AROUND PLAYING) Mess around They doing the mess around They doing the mess around Everybody doing the mess around

You smell that? He's passed out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity? Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.

Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you!

Lois, get off my back, will you? I'm trying to watch TV. I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea...

Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall. The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it. Go!

Oh, Trust me. Painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist. You need an image.

Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials,

The trial is set to begin tomorrow. We now return you to Native American What's Happening!! Hey, Rerun, you see Dwayne? Not today. Oh, here he come. How, how, how. Peter, I don't know how much more I can take. Stewie used to be so independent, but now he just clings to me night and day. I'm exhausted.

But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple.

MAN: Talking chicken. Don't blame me. It was the chicken. He was... Oh, no, no, no. Actually, no. You know what would be better? Hey, wait, wait. Just walk out like this. I just... Look... I just come out like this, but just, like, all serious. Like this totally, like, completely serious. - Like... Like I don't even know I'm wearing them. - MAN: Oh, man! Death. Death to America.

Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Last chance, Brian. Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What? Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing.

The question is, who? Well, I know one person who could have. My partner, Tom. All right, it's true. James Woods ruined my career! I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down.

What the hell are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving. You can't leave, man. That's desertion. They'll come after you, like Peter went after that hockey coach. Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope. Okay. You can't leave, Brian.

(IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Well, we got a few hours to kill. What do you want to do? Let's get something to eat. We don't have any money. Brian, pull over there. I'll get us some money.

(BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking! What do you mean we can't go there anymore?

Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see?

Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman.

(CHEERING LOUDER) Wow, that was amazing! I mean, usually, the shows suck in this town.

That's hilarious. Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom?

And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me? But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan." Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it!

God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance.

Peter, do you think you could make a little more time for your son? Yeah, I guess so. (SCREAMING) What the hell was that about? Was that Stewie and Brian? (MILEY ROARING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Well, Come on! Ugh! What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover. Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse? You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get them open.

Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.

The solarium is at the far end of the west wing. Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

- Look, you don't have to insult me. - No, no, no.

I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi! i have an innie.

Oh, What if-- What if I make a fudgie?

Hey, how about "Here's to you, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?

Can't you feel a brand-new day? Hey, Joe, where you been? We haven't seen you in days. Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena, I've been working nonstop. The only reason I didn't have to go myself is that South America isn't wheelchair accessible.

Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.

Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game... in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty.

but we don't feel like you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it anyway. But, Peter, why would you want to harm a fellow American citizen? What? All I have to do is make one call to a friend of mine in Washington, and he can push your paperwork through. You'll officially be an American citizen. Not good enough, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I want citizenship for everyone here.

You... Actor. You...

Hey, cut it out. Do not move! Or I will stab you with my very sharp spear. Look, put that down. I'm not going to hurt you. You are my enemy, and I want you off my planet.

(GROANS) That's it, I'm taking you home. (SNEEZING) You did this to me! (SHUTTERS CLICKING) Miss Lohan! Lindsay! Over here, Lindsay! Excuse me, which one was Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork? Uh, I think it was that one.

You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it. Peter, didn't you hear what I said? Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

"And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak?

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

(STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

Oh, Peter, that's good.

Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? (LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right! (WOLF-WHISTLING) Money! Whoo-hoo! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy. All right. Call me when you blow all your money. Love you, bye.

What part of, "Stay 50 yards away "at all times," don't you understand?

Huh? I'm sorry. I'm already drunk. H-How did you guys know? I-- Jasper called. Brian, why didn't you tell us? I thought you'd be ashamed of me. Are you kidding? I ought to knock you out for not bringing me here sooner. Look at the pair on that one, Lois. Bigger than your head. So, You guys aren't offended by this?

WOMAN: One moment, please. (RINGING) - Hello? - Hello?

No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that!

The mighty Jabba has decreed that you are to be thrown into the Sarlacc pit. There, you will discover a new meaning of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over 1,000 years.

Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely. Oh, Stewie. Yeah. Look at the mess you made. Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I? Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it. Go. Well, I guess it's not that big a deal. Accidents happen.

I know. Who would've thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV?

Stewie, I know you've been going back in time to embarrass me. (STAMMERING) Oh, what... Come on! Oh, okay, then where are you going now? (STAMMERING) Well, I have a very important mission. Uh-huh. Let me see that panel. No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob. I'm gonna tell Mom. (MACHINE ZAPPING)

PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle?

Please, Joe, I know he had an accident, but can't you look the other way this one time? As a friend? Yeah, you know, Joe, you owe this family. I didn't tell anyone about your Fiona Apple tribute video.

(LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity. Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? I know. Who would've thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of Mad TV? Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils. 3 of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament. Oh, Come on, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry.

Good evening, everyone. Our top story, marijuana is now legal. (STAMMERING) Is now legal. Legal in Quahog. And it's made everything just so great. Okay, you... You can read the next one. (LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you.

Let's go to Los Angeles. Big actor, played the father in That '70s Show, Kurtwood Smith. How's it going, Kurtwood? Good. Thanks for having me. Quagmire, it's so awesome that you could come over after work today. I know. I'm so psyched. Hey, let's make some Kool-Aid. No. We got to wait for Lois to do it. No, we don't. I know how to make Kool-Aid.

Yeah, I'm calling, like you asked. Okay. Okay. Okay, but I gotta go. I got other stuff to do. Okay. Okay, but I gotta go. Okay. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, Mom. I love you, too, Mom. Okay. All right. Goodbye.

Hurry, Peter! They're almost here! We're too late! Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game, and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's googatz. Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. Beautiful!

Well, my gut tells me he'll be squeezing himself out of a crevice very soon.

Oh, Stewie, there you are. Peter, I asked you to do one simple thing. Watch the baby. And you couldn't even do that. Come on, Stewie.

Hey, Lois. What?

Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy. Yes, you are. I can't believe we have to live here. No, This sucks!

Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?

I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. There's no conflict in this movie!

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts, wet farts Your farts, I like farts, if you've got heart Oh, I've got heart Let's hear those farts How do I start?

Come on, Lois. I feel great dropping that kind of weight all at once. You Remember how good you felt after you had Chris? And they're off!

We haven't made love ever! (CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

We just ask that you don't drink during your shift. - That won't be a problem, sir. - Great. I'll be right back with your ID badge. Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants? Oh, look, who's here. Mr. "I don't have time for your Little League games." Come here, you son of a bitch!

Unless you're going to pull a sundae out of your belly button, I'd get your ass in the fucking kitchen. Oh, boy. My dogs are mooing today. No, no, no, no, no, no. What's the matter? Did I say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"?

I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too. Oh, God! It's starting already!

Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.

Brian, you really seem to be enjoying your wine lately. It's only my 2nd glass. Dad, if bad men broke into the house, and they had guns, and they put a gun up to your head, and made you choose who you wanted to live, me or Meg, who would you choose? Uh, Ask your mom. I'm not very good with tough decisions.

You got your pal Stewie. Great. Oh, you could learn something from compliment guy. And, you know, it's not as bad as you think. I may have finally figured this out. I just need to make a few more calculations.

So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that... No, that's more or less been retired. I see, I see. Do you still have the thing? Oh, my God, what a beautiful room. Paris is so incredible. I can't believe we're really here.

The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick,

Fine, I'll go, but I'm not missing that gay wedding. I still kick myself for missing that topless cheerleader parade with the 100-foot chocolate teddy bear and the F-16s doing aerial acrobatics, choreographed to the music of Queen. Oh, I remember that day. Huh. Should have gone to that thing.

Meg, what happened? Fat-ass and his drunk friends left me at the roller rink. You know, this wouldn't have happened if I had my own car.

What? Well, that doesn't sound good. All right, I'm gonna go out and look for him. I'll take my Don Don. Well, I can't go outside. It's cold out there. You can't go out there in this weather. Your Don Don will freeze. Then I'll see you in hell! SOLDIER: Wait, Han. You'll need this. What? (SNICKERING) Bag of ice. You knucklehead. Get out of here, but know I love you.

We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone. Oh, thank God, we're saved! I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson?

Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype. I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again. Oh, And by the way, I'm going back to the force. Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief?

Oh, well, At least they still got sports on T.V. The new bowler For sommerset is our spinner Heath Who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on 2 short legs. What the hell is he talking about? Oh, It's cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batter who tries to play away a fine leg.

(GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too! Now, you come home and start acting your age! No, Peter. I don't want to act my age, and you don't want that either. Otherwise, you wouldn't have called me an old plow horse. Look, I didn't mean to say that. I was a jerk. But isn't this what you want? Don't you want me to stay young and exciting?

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat. Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me.

Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy. Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before,

Wow! Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen! Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, shoot! I forgot my umbrella. That's okay, honey. Come on over here. Thanks, dear. Sometimes it's good to be a freak. Do you want to sleep together later? No. Thanks, though.

But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life. Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you,

(JOE) Oh, my God!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

PETER: Oh, my God! What a jackass.

Quagmire, you got to help us. We pissed off a bunch of ghosts, and now our house is gone and we got no place to stay. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time. WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now.

Yeah, shame on you! Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. You are gonna get it when I drink. What the hell's going on? Last night, Carter was on his deathbed, and now he looks better than he ever did. Well, they say laughter is the best medicine. Maybe he went to a comedy club or something. (LAUGHING) In my neighborhood, we didn't have no Kool-Aid.

Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion. (TRAIN APPROACHING)

What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose. Of course he was. He was the star. No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no...

Hey. Hey, Lois. What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast?

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there?

Oh, Dad, I think this is Mr. Quagmire's driveway. Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees? Well, there's a lot of trees around here. How do we know we're in the right spot? PETER: I think it's a safe bet this is the place.

You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers.

Oh, God! You're crowning, and there's flies on its head. Ugh! That's regurgitated cud! No, I can't be a part of this. Look, I'm just gonna leave you all the gauze I have. When that thing comes out, just wipe the crap off of him as fast as you can and... I don't know, man. Good luck to you.

(GASPS) The boss is coming. Look busy. Lot of Empire stuff to do. Empire stuff. Getting Empire stuff done. Busy with Empire stuff.

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING)

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.

Would you give me a hug for luck? No, no, no, I'm not done yet. Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly?

I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass. CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... (BELCHES) (ALIEN SNORING)

I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt. Camels for sale! This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays. Just had its knees replaced. Oh, Great. Buy one and let's get out of here. What do you mean, buy one? All I've got is $50. We're gonna have to distract him. Follow my lead.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you?

Listen, you know, we can do something else if you want. Why? I'm having a good time. Well, I mean, I just don't know how much fun it is for a blind person to go to the movies. Brian, blind people go to the movies all the time. We just listen. I might be blind, but my brain has been trained to listen to any movie and know exactly what's happening on screen.

Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. What was that? Nothing. One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours. Here you go, little buddy. Hey, look at me! I'm Pele! I'm Pele! Goal! Where the hell is he going?

We're too different to ever be pals You and I are Doo-doo-doo so awfully different Doo-doo-doo too awfully different Doo-doo-doo

Executive bathroom, sir? Yes. Right this way.

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d!

- I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie

I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more?

There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?

(GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food.

There you go. Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table. Lois, If I'm gonna get good enough to impress the Black Knight, my lance must be with me at all times. Oh, You guys are gonna be so proud when you see me out on that field. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go practice.

Madly Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night Huh? Did I tell you?

I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things? Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING)

God, this trip has been a disaster. I know. I actually thought I was gonna win big and get that plastic surgery I always wanted. Oh, my God! Look at him. He's so cute. (BARKING) I'm small, so this is okay.

(HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING) Groggety! (SHRIEKS)

(SIGHS) The cold car ride through a dark, suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. It's coming.

Many of you have written to the show... ...with suggestions you'd like to see. They're mostly god-awful. Tonight we took your advice and produced three of our favorite suggestions. Favorites? Oh, that's charitable. undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa!

"Oh, Ubama's not gonna be able to do it," but he's hanging in there. Peter, it's "Obama." You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares? It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.

...scared... ...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless. Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Thank you, Brian. Well, can I give you a lift home? My cab's right outside. (SHOUTING) (ROARING)

(KIDS CHATTERING) Wow, Peter, I gotta say,

Come on, dudes, let's go exercise. Exercise! Yeah! I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself. I can't believe it. Joe just dumped us. He's gone. And all we've got to remember him by are his old legs. (GROWLING) Okay, okay.

- Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah.

In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract. Really? Why didn't you take it? Well, I wanted to, but your grandfather wouldn't let me. But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family. Now go away. I'm busy.

Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Then we'll have unlimited lives.

No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God. Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do?

Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.

And have that Russian waiter I like bring it over. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho

Don't move! aah! A little helP? HEy, It's Glen Quagmire, the wacky next- door neighboR. What's he up to this tiME? I'm going to work!

Peter, What are you doing? I spent hours soldering that costume for you.

Okay, everybody, time for paintball.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing? I don't know.

Chris, wait. Where you going? I'm going to Mr. Gutentag's house. You can't. Why not? Chris, his name isn't Gutentag, it's Schlechtnacht, and he's a Nazi. What? It's true. You've got to stay away from that terrible man. Mr. Gutentag isn't a terrible man.

That this is not H.I.V. But full-blown AIDS Not H.I.V., but really Full-blown AIDS

If we can endure the pain of childbirth, just imagine what else we're capable of! Right on. Go girl. Wah, wah, wah! Come on. It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt? Peter, It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck! Come on. Hey--hey. You want to hear some horror stories. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.

We'll leave the window part out of the Bible. They'll just misinterpret it anyway. So in the Bible, Mary raises up a window to shield herself from the donkey. And, as we know, the biblical term for donkey is ass.

We interrupt this program to bring you exciting news. Family Feud will be coming to Quahog. Auditions are being held tomorrow at the Civic Center. Also, six million German Jews suddenly show up. Find out where they've been at 11:00. Family Feud's coming to Quahog? Peter, we should try out. A family can win $5,000 on that show.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze?

(YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose? What? Yeah, exactly. "What?"

I ain't neither! And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight! See you there, pal! You can't stay in that house! Old Man Selberg's ghost still haunts it. Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens from years... ...of substandard housekeeping. It does not augur well for you. Zip it, egghead.

Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say?

Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving?

Sorry, I was dialing the phone. Are you all right? Yeah, Don't worry about it. Doesn't look like there's any-- Peter Griffin, certified C.P.R. Don't anyone panic! What the hell are you doing? Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No!

And this is the story of his roots. It all began in Africa in the tiny village of Quahogswana where he was a proud member of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair. Hey, Quagdingo, how was your date last night? Oh, it was awesome. You never feel as big as you do with a pygmy. Hey, you guys wanna go get a drink at Club 227?

(ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with. That wasn't me. Stewie was really laying into Meg about something. Yeah, it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie.

Who are you? Griffin! You got to help me, Dr. Hartman. I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate. Well, don't look at me. I lost my license, thanks to you. Look, I know what I did was wrong, but you're the only one I can turn to.

I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list.

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

But Wait a minute. I thought guns were bad. False! Guns are good. in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans? So, remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.

- You want some Tang, Mr. Spaceman? - Do I? Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains. So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it."

Peter, we need your help. We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest. We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off. Well, well. Finally, a true test of my abilities. You came to the right place, Joe. I'll psych that guy out for you. Peter, you can't do this.

Unfortunately, no.

The minute Lois walks through that door, you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep. God, he's right. I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark. Rupert, I've been all talk. So much time wasted. Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman.

Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition, Stephanie Griffin.

Come on! You like the park, right? We're about to pass the turnoffs. Here it comes! You may take me to the park. Um, excuse me. I didn't bring any of my toys. Can I play with some of yours?

You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off. Peter, no. Peter, for God's sake. (Lois) Oh, who am I kiddin'? I can't fight this anymore.

Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!

Ugh! What do you want?

(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring. Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom.

You need a lift? Didn't answer me quick enough.

You were so beautiful, and I loved you, but when I got back home, I was so afraid of being judged by the community that I never filled out the paperwork to make you a citizen.

Ooh, look at that. "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year."

Hey, Dad, you never did tell us how you got our house back. Simple. I just offered the people I sold it to double what they paid. What? But how could you afford that?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (COCKING GUN) - Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter. What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

but I can tell we're gonna be lifelong friends. And since you're black and I'm white, that makes it more special for the audience.

Oh, Nobody had any of the coffee. Only a couple of Oreos gone. I'm gonna take the rest home to the cats.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rodney King of Queens. Rodney, did you take out the trash? Um, I forgot. (GROANING) (LAUGHING) Oh, no, she didn't. (DOORBELL DINGING) Pizza for Adam West.

Peter, you could make him your slave! Oh, man. He'd hate that even more than he hates sitcom two-parters. Tootie, it's 8:29! Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait! Now I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that drinking party!

What is it you called it?

Don't worry about it, they're tagged. Just get me to the airport. All right, thanks a lot, Peter.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.

Do you have Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen? No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies. Damn it! This is the third used-record store with that same story. You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary,

Well, I think you should, Brian. She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide.

Ooh it up A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate oh, Look how cute he is!

Hey, Meg. Hi, Carl. Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? Are you, like, a bitch or something? No, I have friends. Oh.

That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Halt. Present hall pasS. Excuse me? Second request. Present hall pass.

And now I'm the bad guy. Oh, I know exactly where you're coming... Ow! It's in my eyes!

(SCREAMING) - Get Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

She's so pretty, isn't she? Yeah, you know. Do you think she liked me? I don't know. How weird would it be if she just showed up at my room later? Pretty weird, I guess. Oh, my God, were you... Were you thinking of doing that? Sending her to my room? No, why? Why? Were you thinking of me doing that?

This is Tom Tucker. Well, I know who you are.

You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter!

Hey... Hey, Darth? Darth? Yeah? What? That. That's what. What? It's a circle. It's a good circle, I'll give you that. No. No, no. Space station. What? Yep. (IN DISBELIEF) What? - Yep, it is. - No way! It is. It is, big time.

I never knew Biscuit as a dog. But I did know her as a table.

All we need is some magic markers,

Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked.

He's not even using real words anymore! We'll be back with a little girl from Atlanta who skips rope with her sister's pigtails. goo-goo, oodla! No! My segment's not over! Come on, little fellow. You like to jump rope, don't you? I like jump rope.

She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

Chair. Try again.

Oh, crap. This is not the way out! This is not the way out! Hey, Horace, get that wiener out of your hand and give us three more beers over here! (CHUCKLES) Lois, you're always giving me the business.

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...

(FARTS) All right, we're gonna do it once more. (ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late

Oh. Nothing. All right, it's time to play rough!

Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah

(SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend. ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report brought to you by Kia.

You know, I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in, but there's such a thing as moderation. Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever. Brian, you're a thoughtful person. Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth? You're barking up the wrong tree, Meg. I'm an atheist. (ALL GASP) What's that? I don't believe in God.

How about now? well, We are supposed to see other people. And I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert. I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo!

Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope. Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change. Oh, Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined.

Ben-Him and Ben-Her! Even Noah wouldn't put these two together. Cover your privates. Everyone can coli-see-um!

I mean, look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil. I mean, who is that for? No, Lois, don't get that one! Get the one with the lion in overalls! Oh, my God, look! It's Joyce Kinney from Channel Five.

Our state-of-the-art movie theater is equipped with some terrific innovations to cater to our residents, including a button on every seat that will pause the film whenever anyone has a question.

I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero.

What the deuce? (WHOOPING) Look at us. Look at how much more comfortable we are now shooting stuff.

Lois, you have a gray hair. What? Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today!

The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school?

Ah, I've seen better. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out. Naw, i'm--I'm not ready yet. Hey, You're getting some looks yourself. Ah, i--I'm not ready either.

Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10? Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire.

And I guess that's why They call it the blues Joe, you got a minute? What is it, Peter? I just wanted to apologize. I thought you and your friends were just a bunch of gross cripples, but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now, and I see how tough it is.

oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way

I don't know what to do, Brian. Breastfeeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers. There you go. There you go. Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest. Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie. I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what? I'll give it a try.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

Oh, we're not done yet. Come on! (TIRES SCREECH) Queen! Queen! Give me some of your hair! Come on, Queen! Don't be a bitch! Get us away from that lunatic!

Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run! Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie?

Where do we go from here? Well, I could sign a picture for you. Yeah, sure. That'd be fine. Thank you. So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog!

It's gonna take some time to get over it.

Rita Coolidge's less-talented sister here. (ALL LAUGH) In what way is that a joke? Okay, you start. All right. I don't know... Am I blue or am I red? This is crazy. You're blue. You're blue. Okay, I'll do it, then. Summer lovin' had me a blast

Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.

No way. Get the hell out of here.

Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam. La, la, la, la, la. Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo. Happy Thanksgiving. I brought Marshmallow Peeps.

Think about that while I get myself a drink. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Marty Scorsese. Who's the star of Silence of the Lambs? Tony Hopkins. Who sang Hold on to the Nights? Dick Marx. Who is the cast of Miami Vice? Donnie Johnnie, Philly Mikey Tommy and Eddie Jimmy Olmos. You are just douchy to the core.

And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this. Hey, look at me. I'm walking. Ooh, I'm a remarkable man.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie.

Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing?

And here comes the next float, honoring uninjured veterans. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - Yeah! We rock! Our wives stayed with us. Think fast! We did! (CHEERING) Mom, how come when we see these guys on the street corner you tell me not to stare at them, and today that's all we're doing?

What are you doing? Calling the cat. We don't have a cat. That's a throw pillow. (CRYING)

And hey, you've been working hard. Why don't you take the rest of the day off? Here's two tickets to Sandra Bernhard's one-woman show. Wow, thanks. Yeah, and they're great seats. They're right in the gap of her teeth. Social media? More like a social disease. Ha! That's funny.

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen.

(ALL SCREAMING) Hello?

Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

MALE VOICE: Dragon's Lair.

Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers! I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em? Maybe someone in space.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do!

Where were you the night of the fire? I was at the movies. What did you see? No Strings Attached. - How was it? - Sucked. Okay, that checks out. Boy, that Ashton Kutcher sure was a cad in that movie, wasn't he? Yeah, totally. Wrong! He had a heart of gold. You're going down. Your husband's in here, ma'am.

HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast.

Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

Guys, I can't thank you enough for what you did.

Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back. STEWIE: Hmm. I think I have time for a quickie.

She could have snapped my neck if she had a mind to. Don't worry about it. I'm sure it will be a while before you lose another tooth. I can't wait for that. I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself.

Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.

(CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports. Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid.

That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you!

Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now. Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey. What is it, Lois? I--I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore.

What isn't a word? "Bonerific." (ALL LAUGHING) Didn't I tell you? You can't keep this guy from saying it.

let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more? Well, this is the last entry in the datebook. "Super secret meeting at motel. Inform no one."

Oh, my God, Brian! It's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever! Jesus. And she's coming to town!

I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it. Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah.

Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!

Hi, sweetie. (CONTINUES GROANING) Yeah, everything's great. Of course, I miss you. Well, how does the supermarket run out of parsley? I'm as angry as you are. Peter, I'm going to fall! (HANGS UP) (GASPS)

Threepio, please. Whatever you have to say cannot possibly be as important as this conversation. But you're standing on a trap door, and if Jabba pushes the button... (ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say? But there's a trap door right under your feet! There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking!

And maybe, the monkey is also my roommate. And whenever I come home at night and I walk in that door, what do you think I slip on? Monkey stool. (BOTH LAUGHING) Terrific. That's exactly what would happen.

I'll pay you a hundred bucks.

This Christmas rocks! Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom? Aw, It's ok, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, Honey, you got a little something-- You got a little, uh, I'll get it. Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Quagmire, what are you doing here? You don't have kids. Don't be so sure, Brian. I've slept with chicks all over the world. Who knows, I could have kids in their 20s.

I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! You... You have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute.

Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

(GROANS) Hello, Griffin. Mr. Pewterschmidt? Hey, how you been? Not good. I'm sorry to hear that. Wow! A limo, huh? Hey, are these Diet Rites just to take? No! Those are my Diet Rites! Now, listen, Griffin. Thanks to your dog's stupid marijuana crusade,

Yeah, see, that's not mine. Hey, Mort, what gives with the blond hair? Yeah, you look weird like that. Historically, in instances of mass lawlessness, the first thing they do is round up the Jews.

You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out. And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.

D-d-Did you just say "big meet"?

Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.

Ha. You never know what you're gonna find down here. Aah! Peter! HEy, You're the Pawtucket Patriot. Verily. Come hither and give heed. Whoa. I don't swing that way, pal. Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers.

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? The box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome. Yeah, but you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the third one?

I wonder if I can get my old job back painting kids' faces at birthday parties. There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces.

All right, everyone. Time to do our Nielsen duty. So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show. You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming. I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug.

and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.

What do you mean? I mean, you just came here because you were being picked on at school.

What's wrong? Nothing. It's just that I like to put the straw in myself. Oh. I'm sorry. Here. Yeah. It's not the same now. I'll... I'll just get another one. (PHONE RINGING) I'll get it! Hello. Hi, Meg. It's Bonnie. How is everything going there?

Indeed, a force to be reckoned with, like Secretary of Energy, Steven Chu. Secretary Chu, Ways & Means has sent over a preliminary budget. It looks like the Department of Energy is looking at a 4% budget cut. (YELLS) - Okay, no budget cut. No budget cut.

Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom.

No, I own the restaurant. And to show my gratitude, I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of McBurgertown burgers. Free burgers?

MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure.

I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey (ALL SHOUTING) (SCREAMS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. Hi, sweetie. Hey, Meg. So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turning...

Oh, my God, Peter, it looks like there's been a break in. Do you think so? Oh, God, they're back. Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Goldman.

Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for I can't help it There's nothing I want more You know it's true

Come on, get in the car!

(BURPS) Schumai. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Oh. (GRUNTS)

QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here!

If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that? I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can.

I got to say, Meg, I like you so much better like this. Me, too, Meg. God, it must have been horrible in there. It wasn't so bad. I met Wesley Snipes. Is that right? Yeah. And you know what's funny? He was Inmate 57, too. He was Inmate 57? See, he did a movie called Passenger 57.

(CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing? It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois.

Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages! mm-hmm. Yeah, then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there yourselves. Maybe we will. Yeah! Jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside?

What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to,

Wait for someone else to win and steal his card. G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead. Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

Last chance, Brian. Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What? Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing. Quick, I need to borrow your car!

Glad to see you all found your way over from the cemetery. I'm Leonard Hale, Mr. Weed's lawyer. We found this tape among Mr. Weed's personal effects with instructions that it be screened immediately following his funeral. Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly.

Great. You can teach me how to drive. Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead. There's a big world out there just waiting for us to grab it by the short hairs! Damn! Let's go.

You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious! I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist. Get it? Tooth hurty?

Rupert wasn't kidnapped. I accidentally sold him at the yard sale. You son of a bitch!

When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep. Elliot? Elliot, wake up. Elliot? (GASPS) (RINGING) Officer Swanson here.

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.

It's just weird, Brian. I still don't think I'm comfortable with the whole idea. Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof. Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway.

(CACKLING) Look what I found.

JOE: Come in. Drop it, creep-o! Don't move, Catherine Deneuve! Freezerino, Paul Sorvino! What are you doing, Mr. Swanson? I'm trying out some cop entrances.

Meg, what happened? Fat-ass and his drunk friends left me at the roller rink. You know, this wouldn't have happened if I had my own car. Meg, people have always found ways to get around without a car. Look at Iceman. Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know.

Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws. Looks like someone's a little lost.

Well, Have a good time.

Well, Until we catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the deep South. Deep South? Is-Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy? Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative.

I know. An exciting day for me is when I watch wheelchair porn. Boy, do the sparks fly on those. Oh, is it hot? Nah, it's mostly just chairs smashing into each other. Sometimes the director has to come on camera just to turn the chairs around. Well, why don't we make our own excitement? What do you mean? I don't know, like, maybe the four of us should do something to reclaim our freedom.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING)

(PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.

Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Everything's fine, Everything's fine. Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. Yeah, Yeah. Uh, Apparently you--you can do that. Give me the damn phone! Little fella's sound asleep. But I'll give him that kiss for you. You suck! See you in 3 days.

Hey, Devon, Devon, come here. Brian, this is Devon. Devon just finished directing a movie. Yeah, it stars a little actress named Joan Van Ark. Maybe you've heard her. Right, possibly. You're talking out of your ass. It doesn't matter, Brian. I'm tan. Hey, Brian, Brian. Look at my tan walk.

So, how long is Jerome gonna be staying with us, Dad? I don't know, Chris, but the sooner he's out of here, the better. I don't trust him around Lois for a second! LOIS: Oh, God, Jerome, that is so good! Yeah, it's so hot and moist!

Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead!

He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying.

(DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls.

Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is. - From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots.

Chumba Wumba gobbledy gorse Count yourself lucky you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour!

so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know? I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say, "Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger." Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are?

Luck let a gentleman see How nice a dame you can be (MUSIC STOPS PLAYING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Are You Smarter than a Hispanic Maid? Okay, Larry, now, how does a Hispanic maid address her employer if his name is John Sullivan? Is it A, John? Or B, Mr. Sullivan? Uh, I'm gonna go with Mr. Sullivan. (BUZZER SOUNDS) Oh, that was a trick question.

What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds. Um... I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it? Oh, aren't you adorable! Are you in a fraternity, little boy? Not yet. But I'm thinking about joining I FELTA THI.

Oh, Sure. Warbling for Vick's VapoRub and Dippity-Do! No, No, pearl. I mean-- Oh, Stop trying to talk me out of it! I'm a pathetic sellout! No one who sings Carmen like you is pathetic! What? I--i heard you sing Habanera. You were sublime. You--You liked my aria?

but then it totally was. - That's happened to me. - Me, too. Cars go fast. Oh, God, yeah, I'll tell you, ifl had a nickel for every time that happened. - Yeah? - What? What if you had a nickel for every time that happened? - No, nothing, it's just an expression. - A what?

Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out!

I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell!

I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

All right, past. Here I come. Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

I think it's time for me to go. This world's not ready for me yet, and I'm not ready for it. I don't know, maybe I'll try coming back in another thousand years, when I'm a little more mature. Well, that's a very mature thing to say right there. I think you're on your way. Well, before I go, Peter, there's something I want to give you.

Damn thing can't tell the difference. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name?

I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues. Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. Let's give you a nice, tweedlie little mustache here.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. Uh-uh-uh-uh. On the lips. Yes! Do you think your parents liked me? Yeah. Can we make out now? Oh, I forgot my... (LAUGHS)

...and 3! Oh, Wow! Were we just hypnotized? Well, that's incredible. I don't remember a thing. Why do I taste crotch? I must unlock the secret to their mind-control powers. Lois, can we go now? I'm starving. The game's almost over, Peter. Try to think about something else.

Guess this is as good a time as any.

Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow.

And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person, and punctual. Yeah. Maybe we could talk about something else. You know, my wife and I are very involved in Planned Parenthood which provides possibilities for people who are underprivileged. Maybe chew your food a little, champ.

(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs.

By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick! No. What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol.

But do you know who Thornton Melon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know! So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.

How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

Dad, there's a weird bald guy out in front of our house. Oh, that's just Quagmire. He's acting all different now that he's bald. I'll go talk to him. Hey, slow down! Drive like hell, you'll get there! Quagmire, what the hell are you doing? I'm just letting all these hot-rodders know that this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track.

Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by.

I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? Yeah. I'm afraid so. Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner.

What did I do? What did I do? I love brownie day. Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

(SLURRING) Hey, what are you... What are you doing? Quagmire, I'm sleeping. Yeah, I was just out with Joe. What are you doing? I just told you. That's right. I just... I just asked that. I forgot. Hey, hey, this song made me think of you, so, wait, listen to this song. (STATIC BUZZING)

Superstore USA has their own paper route. That new paperboy done gone and broke my sternum. (BOTH MOANING)

Good night, Stewie.

I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories. Cowards!

(CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie.

I need more lemon Pledge. Okay.

No, no, we've got to carry him! We can't leave him here, there's a wolf! Um. There's not really a wolf. What? Tell my kids I love 'em. Charlie! Charlie! (WAILING) This was so funny in my head when I planned it.

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her,

Oh, okay. I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh. I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got. Carol, it's so good to see you. You, too, Lois. God, that is one nice ass.

Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello. Lois, you can't possibly be considering working for Fox News. Well, why not? Why not? Because they're evil, and they distort the truth, and they do the bidding of the Republican Party!

Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this. I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia.

We must kung fu fight! So be it, A.N.N.A.

Dispense the refreshments. Aw, Meg, there you are.

(SCREAMING) Heart attack! Glenn, sweetheart! Is he all right? No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop. Oh, my God! Are you sure? You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. I said, when people die, they void their bowels.

Dan, Chevy, you are hereby named honorary spies for the United States of America. Thank you, Mr. President. Thanks, Dutch. And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING)

Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy. Yes, you are. I can't believe we have to live here. No, This sucks! Ugh, Tell me about it. I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage-fest. Come on, kids, we've been through worse.

It's quite simple, actually. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons, and the clown face is just a clown face. Enjoy it. Now, battle stations, everyone! At my signal, unleash hell!

And That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off. Oh, Wow! A real movie set. Hey, This house looks kind of familiar. I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian! All right, Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from...

(BOTH SCREAM) Luke, help me get this mask off. Let me look on you with my own eyes, father to son. (NECK SNAPS)

Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn! Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic? Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made. How about Slumdog Millionaire? Overrated. Just a terrible movie. Cocktail. Actually, not a bad film.

Who the hell do you think you are? There you go! Use that anger!

Down in New Orleans

I think somebody's gonna be a football star. Oh, you. Forgot your chart. Be right back. Whoa, Jason. You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's gonna be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line. I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife.

Hey, how do we know what's gonna happen? For all we know, Meg might want to Amish herself. I had not considered this. I was verily preoccupied with Eli's corruption. Plus, it is the time of the month when Eli's mother is on the burlap. So what do you say, let the kids give it a shot?

A soup kitchen, Dad? Isn't there any other place we can go? We're homeless, Meg. This is where homeless people go. Well, it'll just be good to get some food in us. Hi, welcome to the soup kitchen. I'll just start you off with this basket of pizza crusts and apple cores.

Um... Oh, dear. Johann tells me your luggage is the luggage of the poor. Well, I am poor. Oh. Oh, I see.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too. How long is this gonna last? No idea.

Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes." oh! It's a person.

Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello. You and I are going on a date Saturday night. Um... Okay. I'll see you then. Why would she go out with me?

You know what it sounds like to me? Sounds like the woman in that picture was pretty beautiful. All right, I'll see you at dinner. Think fast! Wow! Deodorant! Are you sure I'm old enough? I think so. I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.

Billy Dee Williams. Hello, Peter. Welcome to the cool side of the pillow. You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland. Works every time. Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy.

JERRY: And he hasn't had a hit in ever. In ever, Jerry. In ever. What the hell? What are you people doing in my apartment? Hey! You made it. What is all this? What's going on? You, that's what's going on.

There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. (BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

No! No, I do not! Peter, what the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Don't you worry, unborn fetus child! I am here to save you and protect you! I have seen the light! Bless you, sir! You should be very proud of yourself!

(WOMAN SINGING)

Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on.

I just used to think he was kind of funny. We should... We should get to the hospital. Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?

Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man. Alyssa is all alone. She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. What? Kick them around? Um, wait. Yes.

No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Hey, I've got moxie, too! Watch this! Carmen Miranda Carmen Miranda Was she a singer? Was she a dancer? Nobody knows They just remember the fruit Pewterschmidt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit? There are people dying in hilarious places. That is it! You are officially kicked out of this club!

Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.

Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time.

(EXCLAIMS JOYFULLY) Thank you. Thank you so much! I can't tell you how reassuring that is. Ah! My babies are okay. Will you answer one question for me? Yes. Thank you so much.

Well, Brian, it's been a productive week. I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is. Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods, who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah.

"Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?

All right, past. Here I come.

It's all my fault! (WAILING) (LAUGHING) I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this. - You're still my little buddy, right? - Yeah. Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy.

(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.

Mr. President, I need to have a word with you! Wow! You certainly are very persuasive. So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)

You know, Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop. But it's stuck.

I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on. (GUN COCKING) JEFF: Kind of like this? You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic. You have to bring your friends out here with you to do your dirty work? What... (STAMMERING) What do you mean, Jeff? You're gonna kill me, is that it?

When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule Make your every joke a jewel You'll drive drunker than

We need to gather more information about this new planet. Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay here with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you.

Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine. Thank you, Doctor. I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom.

Dumb broad left her electric tampon warmer. (CRACKLING) (SCREAMING) (THUD ECHOES) What the hell?

Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense. You said "nuclear." It's "nucular," dummy. The "S" is silent. It's almost midnight. We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us?

Wow. How much did all that cost? Back in the '50s? One straw penny. A whole straw penny? Indeed. Follow me.

Give it to me, Neil!

Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here?

I'm not doing this! What do you mean, you're not doing it? I'm drawing the line. I wrote a script that really meant a lot to me, and you guys took it and turned it into something cheap and ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm not selling out anymore. I quit. Do you guys have a studio lawyer or something,

Cleve, please. We're busy looking at Playboy. Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds. This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body? Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion.

So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on-- CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.

I'm tired of watching Old Ships. Peter, that's not a TV, it's a painting. Actually, Lois, it is a TV. It's the PBS show Old Ships. God, I hate PBS.

If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And There's nothing you can say that'll change my minD. EiTHer You kill them, or I kill you. Aw, Crap!

Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...

(TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear.

Oh, my God, don't drink the water. I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, is this beach topless?

Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe. Come on, a place where humans are in charge? I can't pass that up. Hey! Get away from there! (GRUNTING)

Now, you two individuals live here. Are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely? Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about, but it's mainly because he's so funny.

Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn.

And she says, "An abortion here? "Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. "How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand.

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--

Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew Lois makes me take the rap

Looking for that scroll, huh? Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself.

Oh, Nice. Just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?

I was talking to Big Fat Paulie the other day, and one thing led to another and I sort of put a hit out on you. How could you put a hit on me? That's not even the worst part. Wait. Yeah, it is. Peter! Look, don't worry. I got it all worked out. We'll move to England. Huh? The worst they got there is, uh,

Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong. Peter, that story was completely inappropriate. Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage. You've totally ruined this trip for me. I am mortified to even show my face around this ship.

makes me want to vomit. Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother. Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night.

'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying,

Peter, she's gonna be okay.

Hey, Peter, what's up? Come on, come on, we gotta go now! We gotta go now. Come on, Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on. Go, go, go! Pull the car around. Come on, let's go! (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me.

If Chris gets his homework done, you can watch your show together next week. Now come on. Help me get the house ready for my mother. She's coming to visit for exactly one week. Bye, Mom. Sheesh. What a week that was, eh? Ok, come on, let's watch the Gumbels.

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

- You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

Hey! Hey, Brian! Brian! What the hell? Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder. Get me down. What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

(LAUGHING) God! I mean... Anyone else have to go to the little girl's room? I have new gloss. " love gloss. Gloss rhymes with hair.

Okay, there you are. Well, this is a gift, Brian. Thank you for making it so easy. Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor. I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore. Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya?

Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again.

This is our house? Oh, Come on, Meg! I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap. Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch.

Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no!

Um, I have a peanut M&M up my nose,

This party's worse than a Mexican funeral. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie. Please don't do it. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you lately, but I love you and I need you. Please come home with me. Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. This is so hard. Think about what we have together, honey. Think about our little girl.

Oh, it's no use! She swims in my blood now. I must have her! Darling, why are we tormenting ourselves like this? We're perfect for each other. I admit we've got our problems, like any couple, but true love conquers all! I like you. You like me?

And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Ptew! Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb. What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me!

It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno. Oh, oh, you know, It is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material, and he's charming.

Oh, no! Here come the coppers! (YAKETY SAX PLAYING)

Marcia Clark sure couldn't do it. That dumb beaver.

We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?

(LIVELY TUNE BEGINS)

Oh, hang on, I got to go pee. That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a... Oh, I got to take a leak. There we go. Oh, pee time.

Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!

All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive!

(SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money? You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.

Thanks for helping me set up this jungle gym, guys.

Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time! I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on!

Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to.

- I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter! Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go.

LOIS: And, look, there's Rush Limbaugh coming out of Michael Moore's house at 2:00 in the morning.

(JURASSIC PARK THEME PLAYING)

(LAUGHING) Come here, James. What the hell are we doing? Quagmire, since when do you like cats? Since I found this little guy living under my house. I'll tell you this. I understand now why the pharaohs worshipped these animals. (RIPPING) Oh, look, Joe. He's making friends. Oh, sorry.

Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING) What do you want, homo?

What the hell is going on here? Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy.

I am president of Petoria. I want a better seat! Oh, Of course. How could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front. Well, That's more like it! And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space? They have those?

I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date.

(SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING) Peter, this is not safe at all. Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming.

I understand. Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God! Is this what you're looking for?

- Peter, what the hell is that? - This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus. What do you need a Seeing Eye dog for? Well, because I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive. I don't know when to cross the street. And I took a dump in the church confessional... which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless.

Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you...

Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP! Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland.

Holy crap! No way. No freakin' way.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli. It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING) Why don't we ever get any good food? Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread.

Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin.

Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot!

Sweetie, since when do you wear reading glasses? What? These? I've had these forever. Honey, those aren't real. Sure, they are. No, they're not. I can see the little Austin Powers logo on the side. What are you talking about? These are my glasses. (AUSTIN POWERS THEME PLAYING) AUSTIN POWERS: Yeah, baby!

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed!

I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of Pulp Fiction.

Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing...

Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) Are you sure Stewie can find his way out? (WHISPERING) We just got to be patient, Lois. Like waiting on the results of a blood test.

Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one. W-w-Wait. What was that? Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that!

Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! Sweet dreams, kiddo. You have the power to end this! How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth.

What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. Come on. You're worrying about nothing.

STEWIE: "Queer." Queer.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the '90s. Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'"

C-3PO, yeah. I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me, C-3PO? Maybe we should go inside. Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO. You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?

...Stewie's telekinesis, Brian's super-speed-- Ask how the Queen of England is. - How's the Queen-- - She's great.

Hey, how's it hanging, Dakota? What's up, New Bedford?

QUAGMIRE: Look what we did. We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is.

Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide. Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats. Hey--Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather,

The economy's in the news today, and Congress is considering a minimum-wage increase. Live by satellite to talk about it, Senator Harry Reid in Washington. How about it, Senator Reid? Is this the right move during the worst recession since the 1930s? Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track, we have to get more money in the pockets...

Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold. Duh!

But Brian, Brian's solid. He's the one guy I know I can trust. Brian tried to have sex with me. Was he bigger than me? "...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf.

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door. oh, Peter. Just because Steven makes more money

Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God! You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.

What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom,

Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second? Yeah. What's up, Eric? Everything okay? Yeah. Just come into my office. Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food. What? She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich.

Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right.

(FLATULENCE) Sorry, this is turning into something else.

Oh, Sandy! Ohhh... Sandy? Oh, Not again. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Or am I?

Thank you, Doctor. I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom. Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?

"I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits." Oh, look, they got a translation for white people. "I give 110% when it comes to helping my community, "even though I occasionally associate "with some less-than-reputable characters." Peter, these lyrics are filthy. All this violent music is what's screwing Chris up.

Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers. There you go. There you go. Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest. Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie. I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what? I'll give it a try. - Thanks, Brian. - No problem.

Ben. Ben. Leia. Leia. Tom Selleck.

Yeah? I'm starting to think maybe we bit off a little more than we could chew. Yeah.

nailed to a piece of wood. Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you. Lois was wondering if maybe you could, I don't know, ease up on the whole, you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift. You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter. Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized.

I hate how he pushes his bangs out of his face with every word he says. Order me a beer. I have to find a spot for my motorcycle.

Excuse me, I have been waiting for my prescription for 25 minutes! Oh, I'm really sorry, Ms. Dumott. We'll have that filled for you right away. Guys, what the hell's going on back there?

Now remember, everyone, let's be cheerful, 'cause Thanksgivings are very hard for them. 'Cause Joe can't walk? No. 'Cause his bum doesn't open up to poo anymore, and a nurse has to go digging up there to get up after his stuff? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) I know. That was told to me in confidence.

You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!

Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

That makes up for the other murder. I am sold. You're so witty and charming. That's nice of you to say, Peter. It's been so long since I've had a friend. (CRYING) You poor fellow. Gosh, there's no way you could've killed anybody. Not with those sad eyes.

You ruined my life!

Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY)

Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. Now, look, Brian, there's a difference between being concerned and being overprotective.

All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what? Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00,

Aye, it is McSwiggen Village, where the hills are green, the streams are clear and the sweaters are so thick, even the boniest-fingered nun could poke you in the chest and it wouldn't bother you none.

All right. (QUAGMIRE UNZIPS PANTS) (QUAGMIRE GETS SLAPPED) (QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS) Why do you say "organist" if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.

But, Peter, life in America is wonderful. That is why we risk everything to come here. I don't know, Cheech. It seems like a lot of work for no respect. Peter, America is the land of opportunity. There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy series, including That '70s Show, and...

Say "hang on" and drive down staircase. Hang on! Poorly edited shot where driver is obviously stunt person.

just quite how it all will end

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

Threepio, tell them to let us go. What the hell am I supposed to say? Tell them if they don't let us go, you'll become angry and use your magic. Yeah, I'll get right on that. (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

You're my Chinese Lois. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, it's me. Knock, knock. So, you got my money? Oh, yeah. I'll pay you soon. Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours.

Okay, Tom, you're over here on all fours. Carter, I need your face right here.

While I was living with y'all, I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Well, yes and no. We'll put him on a kidney transplant list, but that could take months. Until a donor is found, he's gonna have to undergo dialysis treatments three times a week. Dialysis? Is there any other way? Yes, there is. No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. We'll do the dialysis.

It works! Look how tiny they are!

Fox will never let us die, please?

Now Go pick out a box of cereal, and meet me at the 10-inches- or-less line. Items!

(LAUGHING) undefinedHi, guys. We're back from the mall. " got new shoes.

But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you!

That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy.

(HORN HONKING) (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) (TRUCK HONKING) Almost there. Eat my dust, Lois. (BRAKES SCREECHING)

What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit!

I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore!

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what?

All right, kids, I'm off to train at the gym.

Hey, Peter, have you seen my... Ah! Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me. Because I will get scared.

So, what did you get him? Gold. Gold? I thought we agreed on a $5 limit here? Yeah. I just got him a crappy little bottle of myrrh. Hello! Frankincense! You always do this! Ok, ok. Look, we'll put everything together and put all our names on it. No! Yes! That Is So chEap, I MeAN, thIs guy'S thE sAvior.

Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God! Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies!

If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.

What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue... No, no. I'm okay. Hey, do you have any idea what I went through to get this? A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter "with the Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?" No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering.

I hope. Hey, Lois, look. The 2 symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change. Oh, Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined. Yeah. hey, Where's Stewie?

Peter, you can't force-feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own. Why don't you get him a job or something? Whoa. Freeze-frame! That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her.

I had to pour half a box of Carpet Fresh on her crotch, just to stay asleep last night. Yeah, but listen, Quagmire. Quahog has some extremely draconian laws governing divorce that all heavily favor the woman. What? What do you mean? Well, to be honest, if you divorce her, she'll probably get everything you have. What? No, that's impossible! I can't lose all my money and my house!

I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.

I'm going to do it, Lois. I'm gonna realize my dream! I am gonna be a Renaissance Faire jouster! Oh, Peter! Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch.

- Oh, by the way, I should tell you I've got AIDS. - What? Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. Ready to go when you are, sir! Poor guys, they both have AIDS. Not okay!

Notice anything unusual? I sure do. His father's not in any of them. Exactly. Well, Peter's been very preoccupied with work lately. I guess Stewie's been missing his father. Thank you for letting me know. (CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us

But first, please take a moment to watch this instructional video. Nothing but net. Hi! I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips on blowing up the Death Star.

I think Ryan Reynolds is in love with me.

Get out of the fucking car!

Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits.

Well, let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(LAUGHING) CARTER: That's accurate! And Earl got that cell phone. He on the Sprint plan. When the bill come, he sprint. CARTER: Yes! So many of them are delinquent in payment. Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) All right, time to practice what we've learned. You're up, Brian. Now go hit on that fat chick. - What? Why? - Do it or you get an F. (SIGHS) All right.

That's the car-wash thief! Ha! Ha! Tough luck, wheelie! Yeah, for you!

Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention!

Oh, my God! You thought that's what we were here for? You're not? No! Well, then what are you doing here? Well, Dale and I found out that we can't have children. We've conceived many times, but for some reason the eggs won't attach. It was suggested that I find a healthy woman who would consider carrying our child to term.

You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore,

Uh... What... Is... Um... Here, Lois, take a look. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God! This is the best day of my life!

Not till we've searched the place.

I'm glad we waited.

And then I finished scrubbing the kettle, but then I saw that I had missed a spot. And, oh, I was so worried that the whole thing wasn't clean enough, so I went back and started washing it again. And sure enough, I'd missed another spot. And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up. Griffin! Lady Redbush!

CONSUELA: Yes? Hi, we have a message for Jabba the... No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh. - Can we leave it with someone, because... - No, no. Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help!

Got my hopes high

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS)

I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go. Now, this Nielsen box will keep track of everything you watch,

All right, if we're going to make it out alive, we gotta stick together from now on. Is everyone here? Wait a minute, wait. Where's Meg? And where's Tom Tucker?

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then. (GASPING) It could have been me.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY) I'm not sure what's happening.

My wife did K.I.S.S.! - And J. Geils. - What? Nothing. There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall!

Well, Jeff, he is my brother. Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school? Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh? Come here! Ah! (GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being...

(SNARLS) Thank you for joining me at my humble manor. I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla.

Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun.

(PETER CONTINUES GRUNTING) (PETER COUGHING) (PETER PANTING) PETER: I did it! I did it! That was all that noise. I did it.

(SNARLING) I've had enough of you! (EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYING)

Ha. That's all he meant. You have a pretty good appetite there, kid. I bet you spend a lot of time in the john.

All right, who's ready for a campfire song, huh? Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame. It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes

Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything! (BOTH GIGGLING) Peter, have you seen this tuition bill?

The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us. If we can endure the pain of childbirth, just imagine what else we're capable of! Right on. Go girl. Wah, wah, wah! Come on. It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt?

(INHALING DEEPLY) You don't see poor people doing this!

Take a drink and you'll sink to a state of pure inebriation

Relax. I'm almost done. And why do you have a safety deposit box anyway? What's in there that you can't bury in the yard? I have things. You have a dead bird in there? What are you gonna do with that? I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me. Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch? Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing. Already paid for the meals. And if I want to return this sweater,

Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

Brian, it's so boring here. When are you coming back? BRIAN: I'll be back soon, Stewie. I gotta tell you, though, this seminar is great. I'm really learning a lot. I'll tell you all about it when I get home, okay? I'll talk to you later. Wait, wait, hang on, Brian! There was something else I wanted to tell you. - What? - Um...

Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio. 2 minutes, uh, everybody. 2 Minutes. ...Feh--feh--feh fi--fi--fi--fi fo--fo--fo-- Jeez, full house. Well, well, Look who came crawling back. Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?

See, look. They're coming right off. Nipples shouldn't just come off like that. Why--Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television! Ok, How about this? A single white girl in the city working at a magazine!

Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan.

You should've told me... You should've told me...

I gotta do it, Karen. I just gotta take a shot. That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it.

Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again! Oh. Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right? I mean, i-I'm just trying to understand the rules Here. If I see you again, I'll kill you.

Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky and your boobs will get bigger and you'll stop having your period... Wait, how do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say!

MAN: Oh, I can part the Red Sea. You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years?

So, um, would you want to do something sometime?

Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And I learned something today.

What? You've never seen a handicapped man before?

Play On the Dark Side by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.

I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell! But I do it every day. Sometimes twice. Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again! God's watching me do number 2? oh, man. I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.

If you all saw Apollo 13, you know they had to fix an air scrubber with just the tools in the capsule. Griffin, I need you to use these tools to fix my marriage. I can't do that. Well, I can't be the only one who's trying.

No. No, actually you can't.

Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior? Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there?

Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side. Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects? I'll never join the dark side. You failed, Your Highness. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.

Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers! I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em? Maybe someone in space.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This.

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

Ah, finally, back to my old life. Hello, Internet porn. Man, I haven't done this in two weeks. I should weigh myself before and after. Sorry, I forgot my prescription mouthwash. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God. What are you watching?

What happened? Did we crash? Yeah, we crashed. Wow.

There's got to he a morning after We 're moving closer to the shore llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow

Go on, get out of here. I should warn you, I have a tiny bullet-proof shield, the exact size of a bullet, somewhere on my body. And if you hit it, I'll be unharmed, and your plan will be foiled. You'll be the laughingstock of me. I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West.

What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know. I see. Your silence says it all.

Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead. I forgot my purse.

I'd get in fights and have crazy sex with hookers all night. But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year. Now I live in a halfway house with my lady friend. And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester. What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next?

I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

How do you think it works? I have no idea. Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me. All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out. What's that big back part? Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing.

All right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces. Good. Now we wait.

Uh, uh, Let's see. Uh... Hey, that was pretty good. But when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just "Me llamo Brian." Oh, You speak English.

And, hey, maybe I could give the speech at your graduation. I'm really good at that. And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope,

Sad. "I won't let you walk out of here without that dress." "I don't know. Will I ever wear it?" "Yes, you will. You've got that thing for the opening of the library next week. "It's perfect for that." "Hey, everybody." "Oh! Look. It's black Barbie. "Why are you all alone?" "Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend. "Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut."

Oh, my God. He is short. Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great.

For the rest of my life, I'll be as lonely as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, after the rapture. Damn it, Jerry, why are we the only ones still here? I don't know. We hated all the right things. Now there's nothing left to hate. I'm gonna hate that rock. No, I'm gonna hate that rock. Let's both hate that rock. I hate you. I hate you, too.

Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts rainbows, springtime

Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

When do I start? Oh, he's coming! Oh, it hurts so bad! God, I hate working on Christmas. Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle!

Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got steam heat

Oh, Chris, hi. I didn't realize you'd be awake. What? Well, Meg said you'd be asleep, but it's fine. I can work with this.

Dude, Dude, the Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day of the week. Could not. Could, too. Could not! Ugh! Ew, Gross, man.

I wants me that beer.

Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene. Who's that, baby?

Every time I try to study, the evil monkey comes out of my closet and scares me.

She said "Obi-One" Kenobi. I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi? Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16.

What about the Mayor? He could have killed him and got himself off scot-free! (SIGHS) He took the Twitter name Mayor West, so now I have to use Mayor underscore West. That rat-faced cracker! But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman. He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore.

Laugh and cry He's a family guy Okay, okay, I got one.

I am gonna prepare for this as thoroughly as Ben Affleck prepares for a role. I got to be Henry VIII in 20 minutes. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Got it.

Huh. Looks more or less the same. Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame.

What... How the hell are you alive?

What? There's been a change!

Listen, Peter, I... I just want to apologize. You know what? Forget it. (STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here.

Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer.

What if they come in a different door? Well, I guess we'd all just get up and go to that door then. Is it going to be like this all day, Jeff? Hey, I'm just trying to contribute. Yeah, well contribute to pointing your gun at that door. Mark, why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around?

Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. $50! She had 9 S.T.D's. $45. And when We caught her, she wet herself. $50.

We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while.

Oh, that's great. Good, Ringo. Fantastic. You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. Right on the refrigerator. That way, we'll get to see it every day. All right. Now, you kids behave yourselves while we're away. Yeah, be good till we get back,

So these people live here? No, this is a bus. People ride it to get places that they need to go. You look familiar. I was your gardener for 12 years. Oh. You look different without my lawn under you. I don't take the lawn with me when I go. Well, I was right to trust you with it then.

Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car."

but maybe you just drink and smoke a lot. What? Just don't start doing it and then chicken out halfway through the pregnancy, because then you wind up with Chris. Well, Lois, I got the cake. Oh, and they were all out of the bride and groom figurines,

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic.

Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey. Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers! Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night. Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me.

Oh, Sweetie. It's good to have you back.

Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf?

Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

It's just, apparently somebody flushed a baby swamp monster down the toilet somewhere not far from here. What? Who would flush a baby swamp monster? Don't they know what would happen? Well, apparently, it has happened. And now it's grown up and is attacking important businessmen. I'm an important businessman!

I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over!

Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it.

Uh, Mind if I watch? And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man. Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS?

(PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity. God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders?

Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn, and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers. Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

There you go. Jeez, Frickin' perverts. Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something!

Whoever you are, thank you! If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

Did you two remember to wear your eager caps?

You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what, I just... I hope I didn't hurt you because I'd feel terrible about that. No, no, no. I'm all right.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Artoo? Artoo!

Damn it. (LAUGHING) Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here. Well, no offense to you, Meg,

That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison?

(LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming? It's coming, it's coming. There are some problems. We're having much better luck developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons.

Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene.

Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too. CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready. You in or out?

And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony. Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that? That's Jillian. She's... She... She has this eating disorder. She's bulimic. My God! That's horrible. I know, it really is.

Well, that's Quagmire. And you know what else? Madame Claude is psychic. She can tell you what you were in a past life. I already know what I was. A strawberry.

(ALL BARKING) Indonesia better be worth it. Okay. Bye, everyone. Kids, you mind your father while I'm gone. Love you. Bye, Mom. Bye! Oh, Peter, I almost forgot. Here's some money for groceries and a list of the kids' schedules. The fat man in charge for a week? He's going to be in over his head.

And in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm. That's right, Diane. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus, then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch, where the elite without feet meet to eat.

Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner.

No, it's too small. Wait, Dad, look. There's Meg walking down the street. Hey, Meg! Hanging out with all your friends? (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, whale, the ocean's that way! That's a good one, too.

RED: What the warden and his boys didn't realize was that Andy Dufresne had escaped from Shawshank Prison the night before.

This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here. Hey, You're on our turf, man! Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One, no tax-dodging Jedis in my pit!

- Hey, do you hear that? - What?

That's finger suckin' good, huh? It's an old policemen's recipe. Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket. Joe, you're so funny. Ah, They love that one down at the Precinct. This sucks, Brian. Joe is stealing my thunder.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went

Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights,

Yeah, hey, so tell me one more time how it is that God got you pregnant. 'Cause when you tell me the story, it sort of makes sense. But then when I tell the guys at work, they poke all kinds of holes in it. So, you guys are going to Bethlehem, huh?

Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better. (SIGHS) Okay. I just totally drowned this ant hill. Hey, when are we gonna get there?

Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive! You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it. Peter, didn't you hear what I said? Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

(BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of "S"... "T"... "D"s!

th-th-Thank you. Hey, You know what might be a thrill for you guys? Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble! Yes, but I was talking about stopping by the set to see me in action.

And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum

(GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me! Lois! Why the hell were you doing phone sex? I was providing for our family. You were lying. I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney!

PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

TELLER: It's the law, sir. Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode.

Where do you keep your toothpaste?

I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer. Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen. Who do you think you're talking to?

But Loretta's playing Anna, and she's doing a great job. Loretta's a nobody. Diane Simmons is a star. Look, Lois, You wanted me to sell tickets, right? Well, People who never even been in a theater'll come see A show with Diane Simmons. I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter. Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn.

She's a beautiful little girl, Glenn. Have you given her a name yet? Yeah, I named her Anna Lee, but I'm probably just gonna call her Annal for short. That's funny. Thank you. Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of her retirement after 17 consecutive victories, I hereby dedicate this statue to Quahog's greatest fighter, Lois Griffin!

Naked plastic chicks. - Where am I? Am I dead? - No. This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall...

No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water. No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first,

No! We'll build a better one. I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

I didn't tell anyone. You... You didn't? No, I didn't. Look, I thought about it, and to be honest, it's probably my fault for leaving you alone in the car. And if you promise never to do it again, I won't say anything. Okay, I promise. My baby! What? I say, let go of me. Consuela, we're leaving. My baby!

You can't put a vagina on this man. Why not? I'm God. Well, what do you want to do about the breasts? Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.

(SIGHING) Oh, Rupert! Thank God you're alive! I'm ready now. I'm ready to get off the pill. I think we should start trying. Look, Peter, I think there's something we should talk about.

Cool. And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley!

So, why exactly do you want this separation? Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower.

I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'? Hey, Peter. in case you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"! Aw, Forget the party. The world's gonna end!

I have a dinner reservation for two tonight at Dominic's, and it's just me. I see your problem. I think I might be able to help. Ma'am, you want me to kick those dents out for you?

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons.

Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?

What was that? Nothing. Stewie, leave Death alonE. He's ok. you know, He reminds me a lot of me at that age. I just hope his teen years go better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward.

Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese.

Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer.

Police released this sketch of the suspect. Oh, my God! Police also released this sketch of a female accomplice believed to be his wife.

I was gonna take it back on Amnesty Day, but on Amnesty Day, I had a sip of rose wine, and I never made it out of the house. Who's to blame? Who's to blame? What's his name? We know his name His name is Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose

Oh, my God! How do you two know each other? Uh, we actually just met. Well, I'm Stewie. I'm Lauren. It's good to meet you. I love the show. Do you need a gay friend on the show? A friend on the show? Hey, you know what? I'm actually on my way to go shoot now. If you want, you guys can tag along. Oh, I don't know if we have time. Yes. We would love to.

So, uh, You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? Peter! Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs!

Guys, I'm just trying to say... Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there?

(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it!

Huh? What about incest, Peter? What's incest? You know how cousin Lou has that kid whose eyes touch? So what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded. I'm just saying that they should have at least had the option.

All right, Mr. Griffin. Jobs you think you would be suited for. Let's see what you wrote. "Cowboy, astronaut... "warlock, more powerful astronaut, beer expert." Yeah. And I need something that pays more than my last job as... Sandy Duncan's glass eye.

Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs, "Part Four: Yield." MAN: Before they had the sign, people just run into each other. I don't know, maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I am completely lost. Lois, you said there would be other men my own age here. But there aren't, and I'm bored.

Nothing. Peter, the car is making funny noises. Oh, You're wrong again, Lois. That wasn't the car. Although you were right about that prune smoothie. Ahh! Are you ok? I'll be fine. I just have to concentrate on driving.

- You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car. - Yeah, can I just finish watching this? - You can watch TV anytime. I'm starving.

I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl. (GROWLS) I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl. Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope. The end.

Come on, Stewie. Hurry up and pee. Joe's waiting for me.

Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion. The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty! Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man. Old man? What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard? (GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too! Now, you come home and start acting your age! No, Peter. I don't want to act my age, and you don't want that either.

So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! Ahh! School children washing cars to raise money for charity. Is there anything more arousing? Finally, We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel 5 Junior Anchor Segment on the moon. Meg?

See that sign? Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble. Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness? What do you mean, honey? You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh?

Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street?

This is really weird. We seem perfectly coherent,

Peter, don't forget you have a physical today at 1:00. For the hundredth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag, nag, nag.

You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.

Okay, you're all set. Remember, we'll be in the van listening to everything, so if anything goes wrong, we'll pull you right out of there. Don't you worry, Joe. I'll blend in like an Australian in a Jewish bakery. Honey, would you look at all these kikes.

Yeah, okay, fine, let's kill 'em. Really? No way. No, I was only half serious. We can't do that. Oh, my God... Pink Brian is crazy Brian. Oh, man. I know, I know we can't. I just feel bad they stole your candy. Well, now I know how Peter feels when Mort steals his paper.

Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji in yesterday's travel section? (SIGHS) I wish I was Beyonce. Peter, I think maybe you should go back and have that doctor undo whatever he did. I mean, you're not gay.

Look, just let go of the check.

Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure. Can I have it, even though it's dinnertime? Sure, Chris. "Drink Ensure as a meal, or in-between meals. "Or when you're on the go!" Is Mort still in the bathroom? I'll go see if he's all right. Mort? Hello? Mort? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in my room?

- And the strong - And the strong Just remember In the winter Far beneath The bitter snows

(ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK PLAYING)

I'll defend to the death your right to say it. There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. The port is quite good. Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry.

Because I wanted to see if I could. What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn.

You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap.

LOIS: Peter, I don't think this is the right horse. PETER: I am 100% positive this is the right horse.

(LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself... (SHOUTING) I'm here at the parking lot outside city hall, where hundreds of citizens have come out in protest of the Mayor's decision to spend the town's treasury on a gold frog. I don't like it.

You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

Holy smokes, this is a sure thing. Like the end of a Mexican wedding. (ALL CHEERING)

I just don't have fun there. I guess you're pretty disappointed in me. Well, Yeah! Dad, this is what I really like to do. What? You want to draw? aw, jeez, Son, why don't you just stick a knife in my heart? I mean, so you drew this? Yeah. I know they suck.

2 minutes to re-expansion. Dear God! I'll never get out of here in time! Move aside! I know a shortcut!

Remember it's just fingernails So don't expect much cash Fingernails4cash.com Our service never fails Just take the cash And don't ask why

Hey, look. There's Quagmire. Thanks, honey. Say hi to your husband. (CHIMING) Well, I got AIDS again. Better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS. All gone.

What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois. She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving. Look, Monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right? And there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about that. Peter, you're acting bananas.

I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months. Peter, you just whispered that to me. Shh. Here he is.

God. ...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a...

and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING) RED: Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved, he landed a cushy job cleaning the warden's office. Okay, you clean up the warden's office while I go pop out a pinecone.

"Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia." You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00? (VOICE CRACKING) That sounds wonderful. She said yes.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. He does, doesn't he? (GIGGLING) Get out of here, Quagmire! I just put on clean pants!

Ah, Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible. Yes, charming. Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey! That was a lovely service, Francis.

Come on, that meant a lot to him.

Maybe we should just let The Clam go and, I don't know, spend more time with our families. Yeah, I tried that. I just spent most of the time testing Chris to see if he's autistic. (WAILING) Not overly affectionate.

Now do the theme to The People's Court. (PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME)

Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't you?

- Hello. - That's not funny!

Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick.

Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.

She's a goddamn over-priced call girl who got lucky once. (EXCLAIMS) That doesn't sound like an interview answer. Say something nice about Diablo Cody. I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with. (LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen, can you hang with us through the break?

I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along. I thought you hated my guts. Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts. Well, then what the hell are we doing out here? I thought we were gonna kill him.

Well, it looks like this is one more town the media has run me out of. Now wait a second, Juice. You can't let them tell you how to live your life. You've been running for too long. I say you let people get to know you the way I have. You really think that's possible, Peter? Of course it is.

No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Hut! Ugh! Look at me. Look at me. I'm smoking. Dog! Dog, look! look! You know, Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing-- Shut up.

But I don't know. I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman. We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But.... So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its.

Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony. Come on, Chris. Ahh! Oh, There you are, StEwie. Hey, You're a great big phony. You know that?

This isn't working at all. She doesn't even know we're here.

Oh, my God! (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS) This trash? Trash? What? No, that's a functioning lamp. No. Is okay. I take home.

(GROANING) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like. And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man.

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace.

They didn't care about you. Why should you care about them? The thing is, you guys committed a crime. And I've still got the evidence to prove it. Too bad I lost it. AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.

You don't have cancer. You're going to be fine.

Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir!

Mr. Griffin, y-you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right? Yup, yup. Fine, fine. And just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha! Very well. But I am not really your father, Ha ha! ah!

I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs.

And fruits are important too. You mean like apples, oranges and bananas? Any of them, Chris. You can't miss. And now I think your parents have something to say. Chris, you don't really believe all the things in those song lyrics, do you? No. Then why you been acting like such a punk?

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh,

I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole. Oh, It is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news. Brian, your tail keeps hitting me. I-i-If it's bothering you, I can stop.

Joseph, this is the most fun I've had in a while. That's good, that's good. - Pull your pants down. - What? Come on, this is our seventh date. It's completely natural. Birds do it, bees do it, dinosaurs, whom we live alongside, do it. Joseph, I can't. People will talk. So, what? They'll talk in Aramaic. Do you understand that? I don't.

"Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me? Because if you were, I think you just lied to mom. Chris, everything I say is a lie, except that and that. and that, And that, And that, And that, And that... And that. This is an Action News 5 News Break. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons.

All because I can't afford to get our new car fixed. Why don't you just get another new car? Why don't you try a breath mint, saucy? I'm just saying that me and my associates will steal your car and, uh, ipso facto, your insurance company will buy you another one.

(MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God...

Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter? Oh. I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone. Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox.

Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! All right! What's going on? It seems Joe has found the first scroll. He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like saltwater taffy or a Chunky. Oh, no!

My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez. Ok, everyone. Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead!

Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!

You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

Hey, Aunt Carol. Hey, Uncle Adam.

You know that would never work again in a million years. Don't need it to, Brian. That stripper has a rash on her ass just like Anna Lee used to get. Yeah. And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap just like Anna Lee used to do.

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye.

Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

That's a nice bag of candy you've got. Oh, thank you. You know, it's actually a pillowcase. They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know. Well, now it's ours. Uh, well, no. But how about this? You can have the apple and the raisins and the cheese and crackers with the little red stick. I don't... I don't know how that's candy, but...

(IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere. Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it?

Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale. What? I just saw that word somewhere. I wanted to use it.

It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises.

I never get picked for anything. (GUNSHOTS) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (GUNSHOT) (GRUNTS)

Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years. Oh, three years? You mean like the three years you have left on this planet? Oh, that's nice. Hey, if you guys are so close, maybe Jillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women. And Cheryl should know that you took that class. Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch!

Peter, you shouldn't encourage people to be fat. Fat people are immoral. How do you figure, sports fan? They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention.

But how could you not be aware of this?

You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God. Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?

A big fat phony! I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome! Aw, th-Then those chowderheads on the corner, they busted your stones.

(DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

(LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh. I knew I didn't like the sound of that laugh! Peter, this is unacceptable! What gives you the right to treat me like this? You've been treating me like crap for 20 years, Mr. Pewterschmidt,

Hey, Omar, want a Hertz Donut? Okay. Hurts, don't it? Dumbass. Wow, he effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face. My dad hits me. But I bet if I hit others, the pain stops.

Quack, quack. Oh! My little ducky. You look so adorable. Oh, no, no. You see these holes? I got bit by a vampire. I'm a vampire duck.

Me, too, Lois. It's just going to take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I better clear the air with Clinton. Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk. Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Well, here we are, Lois. Your first professional photo shoot. Karin, this is so exciting. Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going? I'm.... I'm hitting that.

- Very good! Good answer! - Bingo! Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go, so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!"

Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day? But hey, I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face! Mom! now, Honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine. Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And He said it through a hole in his throat. Well, That doesn't make him right.

so Here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock and coronae which seem to be collapsed domes over large magma chambers.

Uh-huh Color me there Do like me, say "Oui-Oui" And tell them you're a friend of Bill Maher's That's how you'll get to watch them pee In Canadian nudie bars Ah-ha-ha Ho-ho-ho Ha-ha-ha-ha Ohh A guy can get his hockey pucked In Canadian nudie bars

Victory shall be mine. That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend... Darren Mitchelstork. Yup, he's the chairman of the soccer ball team. Well, all right. Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg.

with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing. I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round, we'll never know. (BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one.

That's it. (SCREAMING) There you go. Create an adventure with that. Carol, you're here. Hi, Lois. Ah. It's so wonderful to see you. QUAGMIRE: Hey, need some help with those bags?

"Pisces. Be careful at work today." (ANGRY BIRDS MUSIC PLAYING) Go, go, go, go, go... Aw! He so should've died. This is bullcrap.

That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois. So you can watch the sea until I return. Go on, try it out. Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape?

Aw, yeah! He was a loser then, and he's a loser now. We used to kid this guy all the time. Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy!

Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse. Which is where your mother-- Don't say it! Your mother smells. seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass.

Is it lonely up there on your pedestal, Patrick?

Okay. One, two... Hang on, hang on, Brian. Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed. Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING)

You're not gonna beat us to the top. In fact, you probably won't even climb Everest at all. You don't have the nerve. Like hell I don't. Getting to the top, ahead of you, is gonna be one of the greatest moments of my life. It might even beat graduating from chiropractor school.

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

Oh, it's--It's ridiculous, clearly. I mean, He's a factory worker, not a despot. You're missing the point. Our blockade is turning Petoria into a 3rd world country. Ok, Can anybody tell me what the square root of the hypotenuse is when...

2 more dead from alcohol poisoning. Hmm. Looking for that scroll, huh? Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself. Ah, jeez.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS)

I turned to my first mate and I said, "We are looking into the very eyes of God."

(BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)

Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

as teen idol and fake black guy, Justin Bieber, is in town for a sold-out show at the Quahog Civic Center. We now go live to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa with more. Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin!

Oh, That's not even really news.

Ok, guys. I got another one.

Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater.

You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him!

That place is the best. I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world. They do? Yeah, they're unbelievable. The girls up in Canada are gorgeous. And they all play ice hockey, so they lose their teeth by age 10. Wow.

Brian, what are you doing staring in Quagmire's window? Man, watching sex in reverse is just bizarre.

I can't believe the wedding's off. All I ever wanted was to get married and make a home with a skinny, hairless Filipino boy. Isn't that the American dream?

Get off my plane!

So it would only be till Monday, and we could pay you for it. Yeah, and it's real easy, I promise. I mean, you've spent time watching children, right? Yes, sir. Yes, I have.

Gotta give up the toad now And don't smoke or you'll see it hurts to pee There'll be blood gushing from you every time that you cough

(ELECTRICAL WHIRRING) Where are we? Ford's Theatre, April 14, 1865.

Hey, what's going on? Well, we've made a decision as a family, Brian. We've decided to take you to a nice, big farm upstate. What? A farm with big open fields, Brian, where you can just run and run and be free and no one will ever hurt you. Doesn't that sound wonderful, Brian? Are you ready to go to the nice farm?

But, listen, you know what, let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner. Well, that sounds lovely. Ah. That was delicious. You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside, isn't that funny? Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident.

This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't--

I'm gonna do this.

"I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady.

Any moment now, the Earth will be sucked into the gaping maw of the black hole. We here at Channel Five would like to leave you with some highlights of mankind's brief existence, like the Battle of Hastings. Guys, if we win this, we get Hastings. Yeah, let's do it! Let's go! All right, Hastings! The Ottoman Empire.

Peter, how did you... I was in the survey.

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time. Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.

It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys?

I'm so excited to see Santa Claus. You know what I think is really wonderful? Of all the malls in this great country of ours, he chooses to come here. Year after year. You know? I mean, who are we? You know? I'll tell you who we are. The lucky ones! Uh-oh.

Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off. (BEEPING) What the hell? Oh, my God! We're going down. (ALL SCREAMING)

What the hell do you think you're doing? Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt. So I don't get hurt. That's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant? I brought your Raffi tape. Play Wheels on the Bus and get the hell out of my sight. Where's Brian? Hey, Aren't you coming?

Yeah, and I bet I answered the customer complaint line at a Danish cookie company. Hello, Danish cookie company. No, I know they don't taste very good. Well, because they're very dry, aren't they? I mean, they came in a tin, how fresh did you think they were gonna be? Look, it's dark and freezing in Denmark.

Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard? Oh, Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs. Oh, God, kill me now. Hello? Karen! All right Meg, I'm gonna need you to boil some water.

All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway. FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids, coming up next, it's the Jolly Farm Revue marathon. No, no, don't switch it. I want to watch Jolly Farm. Son of a bitch. I got to spend the rest of the day watching stupid kid shows. I'd rather watch paint dry.

I want to marry your daughter, and I'm here to ask for your blessing. What could you possibly have to offer my daughter? Well, I'm one of the few guys in this town who isn't dying a slow, painful diarrhea death. All right, come on in. Knock-knock. Lady Redbush? (GASPS) Griffin! It's so good to see you.

Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M... So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

(GRUNTING) What the hell are you doing? We haven't eaten since the plane. I'm starving.

Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times.

Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore!

Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"!

Fire in the hole! Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety.

Besides, We haven't spent any time together since we played Operation. I'm going for the "funny bone," Dad. Oh! You touched the sides. Aw jeez, He's waking up. Quick, Let's get him back to the bus station. Dad, I don't want to be here. I want to be chillin' with my homies. Now, Chris, it's important you learn about your Irish heritage.

Ah! Anti-gravity gun! This is beyond my technology.

All right, Stewie, you all set to spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa? Uh, I hate being around old people. They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator. Ah, I'm hungry. What do we got? Let's see. Eye drops, baking soda and some film. OLD MAN: Close the door. You're running up long distance charges!

Hey, Dad! Check out my abstinence ring. It means I made a pledge not to have sex. That's crazy! You can't give up sex. You've got a responsibility. You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl.

You having your period? What? I'm just trying to take an interest in your interests. My period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control. Gross. All right. I'm gonna go talk to Chris. Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter. You know, I was just thinking,

I bet you make the late-night monologues. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

No. A "B"? No. C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P? "P"! Peter! My name's Peter! Is your name Peter? Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer. What Cleveland really needs right now is to learn how to express his feelings. Now, what he needs right now is a revenge lay. And I know just who to talk to.

But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million! Money, money, money

Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer. Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor.

Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite.

2 more dead from alcohol poisoning. Hmm. Looking for that scroll, huh? Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself. Ah, jeez.

And what would be another way for you to say that? I'm by myself. Maybe a more specific way. I'm the lone ranger. Yeah! You said it! (LAUGHS) Hey, your name wouldn't happen to be Rick, would it? No, it isn't. It's just too much to ask. Too much to ask.

And, uh, for the future? You came on a little strong.

Okay, now add 20. Okay. - Now multiply it by four. - Okay. - And what do you got? - 8,008. And what does 8,008 look like on a calculator? Oh! "Boob!" Boob! Yeah! All right! All right! All right! Boob!

Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it! This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet! Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good. Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good.

We're undercover U.S. agents in a hostile foreign territory. We just got to make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out. Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

You never did it in the first place!

You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here!

We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go. Just go and start a business. (SLURRING) You know, I never... I never told anyone this, but you're so good at cursive.

Lucky there's a family guy

(AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store. I remember you face.

"Well, you're not gonna be so tough "when I put a fish bowl on my head and a rocket pack on my back, "and come up there and punch you."

Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar...

- Sorry, Master Herbert. - Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt. Yes, sir. I am so tired of you. It's good to have you back, buddy. Thanks, Dad. I didn't really fit in there anyway.

Mmm. Mmm. Today was a good day.

You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Uh-huh. Would you kill a man? Um, uh, well...

Lois! Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end. I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer. Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway.

This means war!

Peter, the operation was a complete success! What are you going to do now? The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me?

There's my little guy. Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.

the Texas School Book Depository Awareness Council has failed in its mission to generate public awareness of the Texas School Book Depository. So at the end of the day, we'll be shutting down operations and laying everyone off. Sir, I think you're gonna want to see this!

Ahh! ahh! AHh! ahh!

(STATIC BUZZING)

Well, I did at first, but the novelty's worn off. Same thing happened with that blog I started on 9/11.

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell?

But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w. Like "cow." So it's kind of... It's sort of a dark joke. Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's really funny. Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.

Hey, New Brian. Bad news. You gotta leave. Huh? What are you talking about? This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den.

Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4. Welcome to the police academy. We're gonna start by learning how to do a cavity search. Peter, you will be the police officer and Quagmire, you will be the suspect. Begin. Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search.

You! How came you by this metal construct? I demand to know who made you! Stewie, it's not polite to point. I'm so sorry. That's ok, Lois. He's just curious about the chair. About 10 years ago I was investigating a robbery at an orphanagE. it was Christmas Eve and some presents had been stolen.

All right, that's enough, that's enough.

And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here!

All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird! All right, a bike! I'm out of here!

The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This.

Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violencE. My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country!

(SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid. Oh, my God!

Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply. We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here.

No. No, that's what they'll be expecting.

You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore.

Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin. My son here's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed. And all I gotta do is paint!

The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash.

Oh, so dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it? Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows. (SHARPLY) You swore you would never... I have a prominent brow, and I do what I can to get by. Well, hey, what's important is that you're here now. Let's just enjoy dinner.

We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box. Hop in. Hey, Quagmire. Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or--or boating, or owning a boat. Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker!

Yeah? Maybe I want to have sex with a fat guy right now. Well, maybe I want to have sex with an ugly, old broad! Peter! Gotcha! (LAUGHING) (BOTH MOANING) I'm going insane, Brian.

A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

The Messiah, he's gone. Where did he go?

Hey. Hey, everyone! Look at me! Look, look. Look at me.

Rock, yeah. Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit.

Excuse me, Your Honor? Yes? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. He may even be downright, well, stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him.

I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats. Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.

Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like.

Play your song, Melody Sheep, to aid the little ones' nourishment. But play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written. "These were difficult times "for the children of Ipswich "when the lollipop famine "cursed their pleasant village."

I'm--I'm sorry. What was that? Peter, It's not important. Let him answer, Lois! I said, no one knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. Fellows, please keep it civil. I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave. Well, Throw down, if that's what you want. Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor. Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to?

- Would you like to check on the race, sir? - Yes, why not?

I-Instigated our hatred like a Buick. How could--What was I thinking when I agreed to this? T-This is so degrading. It's--This is worse than the time I was at the Friars Club and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants. Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry,

(SCREAMS) The scientist also threw in wolverine teeth for free. Why did I say yes? They aren't even mentioned in the song!

Hey, guys! Hitler! Hitler! How's it going, Mr. Hitler? It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants. (LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming?

Come on. We'll do it ourselves. Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And Space Ghost. What are you doing? Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

Ok. Listen, uh, Thanks for letting me use the phone. Thanks for Spaceballs.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages! mm-hmm. Yeah, then do something about it. Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there yourselves. Maybe we will.

(MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

(SIRENS WAILING) Can you hand me the radio? Thanks. Hi, this is car...

For example, you're all shooting up. Why not share needles? That's a no-brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins.

Hey, tell her I like her work in Jake and the Fatman. No, wait. That was William Conrad. Tell her I like Jake and the Fatman. (DOORBELL RINGING) Can I help you? Yeah, I'm Brian. I'm the guy all the comedians have been talking about. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Lauren is in the back.

(CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch. Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right? Okay, for real now.

What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes. Haven't even tried to figure out each other's names yet.

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I... (BOTH GASPING) Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom. No. A four-year-old died in the ball pit. We had to cancel. Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? Stewie, this isn't what it looks like. Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to...

Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here.

Dr. Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated. (ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out. And to think I actually thought you raped me. Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room.

I can only imagine Madeline would say,

No, it's not possible! Sitting alone in this public setting? No bullet-proof glass? Claus, you make it too easy. Change me! I've leaked through my ski pants and I won't face him weT! We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops.

Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass?

Heh. Looks like that's the one that got away. The hell it is! You get in there, and you kick that fish's ass! God, I love him! I can't believe how terrible the fishing was. Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches. Well, thank God we came prepared.

His Excellency hopes that you will die honorably. But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas. Please don't kill us! We won't do it again, honest! We'll be good, mister! We was just fooling around, is all! Jabba! This is your last chance!

That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything. Anything!

Really? (STAMMERING) I had heard only good things. It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick!

(PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes.

Hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood? The pregnant one? Yep, she's having her kittens right now. (GASPING) Oh, no way. Yeah, making all those high-pitched "mew mew" noises and everything. I love them already. Yeah, but Brian's been eyeing them pretty good.

What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill, but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark. I'm right back where I started. Well, sounds like we need another loan shark. Don't worry, Joe, we're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money. (KIDS CHATTERING) Wow, Peter, I gotta say,

Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie? Because, Meg, Estelle told me that someone in the family was in danger of drowning and that I should take some steps to prevent it. So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy. Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING)

- God. - Allah.

No, no, no, I'm impotent. Ew! I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself. Ew! I mean, she's a man. Ew!

(WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

It's been two months, Armando. You're putting me in a real awkward position here. Oh, please, Senor Griffin. Just one more week. I will pay you double. Perhaps we can work out another arrangement. Oh, please, Senor. Not my beloved! Armando, Armando, it is for the children.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. Guys, watch this. (MUSIC PLAYING) Are you ready, boots? Start walkin'! Ha! That's my dad!

I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years. When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants, I had to keep it there for a whole week. Ha! What a week! I don't know, I guess Taking care of this old woman'll be just like baby-sitting only with bigger diapers. Ah, ha! So they do make bigger diapers!

Why is everybody glaring at us? Why, Lois? I'll tell you why. your--Your faux pas last night at the concert was so upsetting I called a university professor to tell me what phrase to use to describe it. Use "faux pas." Thanks, professor.

I'll always be there, Dylan. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko. (LAUGHS) Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it. You know, Brian,

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society? Yes, it is. What's the secret password? Mustache. All right. Come on in.

And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. That one is also sexual.

(BOTH MOANING) That was nice. I'll say. Peter, is that... Are you... Molly Ringwald?

Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

I was thinking, "Let's do something we've never done before." Release the virus?

Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us!

And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING) No, no, no, no! The altos were early. This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going?

so, uh, uh, Tell me about yourself, Tina. Well, I really love music. Oh, God! Me too! You know, i--I just saw Don Giovanni. In my opinion, The best opera of the 18th century. Definitely.

Who? Bazooka Joe? There you gO. Ah, The United Nations. Oh, I wish Chris could see this.

Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that makes you wanna blow your brains out, Stewie just sits there, and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here! Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya. Listen to you! You don't know your own kids.

Yeah, but don't worry. It ain't your brother. He's still locked up in that asylum. Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit. Hello, Lois. (GASPS) Patrick! It's been a long time. (HUSHED TONE) Peter, he's here!

You think Meg made it through the vent? Well, let's find out.

Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian. Well, to be honest, I lied for booze. But, Meg, you're a smart girl. You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong. You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian. Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this.

I got a house on the Cape. Maybe you come visit. (WEAKLY) Maybe. Maybe you call a few days in advance to give me time to get the house clean. Okay. Maybe you bring a blazer so we can go to a wider range of restaurants. I'll bring a blazer.

YEah, And use up all the towels in the men's room! Peter! Sorry. Man, these things never get 'em completely dry. Where's Stewie? Hmm... Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall!

and it was cool sailing from there. How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland. We've been meeting people for the past three days. Well, you don't need to look for somebody new. I'll hang out with you guys. Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian,

Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here. You can have the real estate section. It's for schmucks, anyway. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's? I had to book it the day of my ultrasound. We'll never find another place in time! Oh, For once, it was all gonna be so perfect! Aah! Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect.

She's heading into that tunnel! (CRASHING) (HORSE NEIGHS) GUARD: (GASPS) Dear God! The Queen's dead! (BOTH WHISTLING) All right, Collingsworth, I got a hair.

Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold. The pond froze over a family of raccoons. All right, well, merry Christmas. Are you there, dear?

What? Are you aware that Lois Griffin has a plan to cut property tax in half over the next three years? What does that have to do with what happened to me? Well, you say number two did it, maybe I say I smell alcohol on your breath. You can't do that! Sounds like Lois Griffin can count on your vote.

If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive? I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you.

I don't know those other two words, but brother? I'm gonna have a brother? Well, what we're discussing is whether or not marriage is a smart move for Carol at this point in time. I was hoping you might be able to weigh in. I'm gonna have a brother! Hey, Adam, want to go get in a fight over the rules of a game we made up? Yep! PETER: Five points. I win. WEST: That's not fair.

Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny! - You can both suck my ridges. - Get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis.

Oh, God. That's some kind of living hell. That's some kind of living hell, Brian. Okay, I got to go. You have a good time with Jenny.

the seesaw is the post office, and the sandbox is our summer home. Can you believe it, Brian? We... We have a summer home! I mean, yes, we'll... We'll have to rent it out some years to help pay for... Oh, no, wait, no, we won't, because I'm a famous race car driver. I forgot! Stewie, you're not a race car driver. And if you don't let me go right now, you're gonna lose your dad.

"And no one will care because you're garbage. "And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." (WHISPERS) It's a little rough, Peter. I didn't write it. Joe did. I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire. "Well, I best be rolling on now." (WHISPERS) Oh, come on! Who says that? It's an expression.

No, it's not. Adam can charge whatever he wants for a parking ticket. You know, Meg, that guy's been playing fast and loose with his position for years now, and I've had it. He's a corrupt bastard. That is not true. Yes, it is. Somebody's got to stand up and prove to this town that he's a crook. And it looks like it has to be me. What was all the commotion?

And yet, I've grown accustomed to her looks Accustomed to her voice Accustomed to her fAce aww. Damn you all!

(INCOHERENTLY SPEAKING) Uh, I--I don't... W-W-What's-- What's the problem? Ah! Okay. Thank you.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

I'm sorry, I don't understand. The position has been filled. The position has been filled. Thank you very much. You can go now. Leave! Now!

(CAR BEEPING) Oh, God! Brian! Brian! Guess I'm going for a ride.

(GRUNTING) Mom, I still don't get it. How could Dad turn into some kind of feral creature just from two months in the wilderness? Yeah, it's weird. He doesn't even talk. Well, he was living among wild animals for two months,

I can't even get my foot in the door. Oh, Ok. I have somebody you have to meet. He's a producer. He's great. Really? Oh, Thanks. That'd be great. So, Do you like Sex and the City? Yeah. It's an all right show. I wasn't talking about the show. Ooh, I'm nasty! Someone send me out to sea!

Chris, make it stop. I'm trying. I think... I think we're launching. Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand. No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

(GROANS) (SCREAMS)

We got to stop him! Can we stop at the supermarket? I want a Granny Smith apple. How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual. Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

Your husband's got a good heart, Lois, but his views on Judaism are a little misguided. I consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little. No, no, No. I don't think so.

Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit?

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

This just in. Slave-owner descendent, Carter Pewterschmidt, has paid $20,000 or 2,000,000 pennies in reparations to a local black man. We now go live to the local black man. Well, the money helps but I'll always feel my ancestors' pain.

Oh, my God! Look at him. He's so cute. (BARKING) I'm small, so this is okay. You know what, screw it. I say we just cut our losses and fly home.

We're right on course, guys. Give me another beer. Ah, you know, These are the precious moments. The 4 of us out at sea, miles away from civilization, tossing back brews. Amen to that, kiddo. Hey, hey You guys, here's one for you.

Mr. Berler's coming! Oh, Man! We are so busted. Put it in here. He won't check me. All right. What's going on back here? Oh, Hello, Megan. Wait a minute. You're not part of the popular clique. You run along and play alone somewhere. Shame on you all, getting her hopes up like that.

Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was. After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina, where I managed to get a job at a summer camp for fat kids.

Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. Yeah, buddy. Great job stopping those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. TERRORIST: We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11.

I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher. Dad, you... You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights. I'll take the one on the right!

Well, at least my parents didn't name me Gaymar! (LAUGHING) Wow, I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual. And by laughing at other people's sexuality, somehow I feel better about my own.

What the hell are you doing? Taking down the Christmas decorations. Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

All right, I'll be the one to say it. How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles? Sure. How about this? Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me?

You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life.

I'm sorry for hurting you. I want us to be together again as a family, and I promise I'll never betray you again. I love you, Cleveland. Uh...

Not one fish at a time as a reward! All of them! Okay, okay, take it easy. Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy. Now do that thing where you rub my belly! I really like that! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face.

But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS So, listen, Cleveland. Um, The reason I asked you out here, uh, I've been wanting to talk to you about something.

It's just this jerk that goes to my school. You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why.

but I didn't hear the setup, so I don't really know the context... Hey, I wonder what Peter's up to! Okay, so we got to come up with a name for our improv group. Anybody got anything? BOTH: Um... How about the Jokeridge Boys? Not bad. Wait. How about Funny Side Up?

So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky and your boobs will get bigger and you'll stop having your period... Wait, how do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say! Peter, this is important. Naomi and Dale are placing their trust in us. And besides, it's just nine months.

I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody. I mean, I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you. You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you. You're my brother and you'll always be my brother. I have to go back to the hospital, don't I?

It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke.

Oh, thanks, you guys, for all your help through this. Oh, Glenn, we're just so glad you're all right. And Jeff and I are happy to stay here with you for as long as you need. Fine, then you call my cousin Terry and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital. Well, Jeff, he is my brother.

All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire!

Today, my vision for our future comes true. A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass! Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns? Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation systeM. Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes? We don't need guns! We need food and water!

All right, you're gonna love this. So.... Hang on a sec. Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks--

Only one man can stop him. No, one machine. I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android. You may call me A.N.N.A. I am a robot ninja from the planet England,

Yes! Okay? There's a dog in here. I'm a dog! (ALL GASP)

They're in place! God, it gets me hot when Joe lies to strangers. When I get him home, I swear to God I'm gonna grease up-- That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.

Geez, what the hell's her problem? Peter, she was already feeling insecure about her age, and then you went and gave her that horrible speech! I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. I'm King Stewie! I rule with an iron fist! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Look at me! Ooh-ooh-ooh. In my office. Now.

Oh, Peter Griffin!

A pretentious moron.

Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself. And I didn't cheat. Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that.

It validates the work of a lifetime. It certainly does. Back to you, Tom. MAN: All right. We're clear. I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what. What?

So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at The Clam? Sorry, Peter. I can't make it tonight. I have a date. Dad! You were supposed to drive tonight. What am I supposed to do? Ifl drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first... because I am very self-conscious about my driving. Oh, you've got a date! What's his name? Do you see that? Do you see what I did?

I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to,

So, you still in school? Graduating this year. Well, we'll have to celebrate while I'm here.

You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony.

Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad.

Coffee for Brent. (CHUCKLING) Latte for Cecil. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING) - Beanie? (LAUGHS) None of those people are real. I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. Woodstock's over, assholes.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super...

th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh.

Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy! Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign.

Oh, I forgot my... (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, that's kind of hot.

Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there. And then there was last Saturday night.

Come on in. Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately. It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

Aw, l-l-Let's cut! All right, y-y-You're sleeping with which producer? God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost!

But it only had one previous owner. James Bond! I'll take it! Ok, let's see what this baby can do. Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.

I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w. Like "cow." So it's kind of... It's sort of a dark joke. Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's really funny.

Hey, ladies. You mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes. Stewie, what is that on your lip? I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?" Come here. I'll take care of that, sweetie. It's got spit all over it. Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau.

Wait a second, Brian. You're right. And the best way to do that is to show what a terrible father Cleveland is. This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

All right, let's a-wassaiL!

Twelve. Oh... Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in. Now, we all saw you put your card back in the deck. So how did it end up in your shirt pocket? Oh, my God, how did he do that? Oh, no, there's Quagmire.

Excuse me? I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around.

Hey, I'm talking about evidence here. There's lipstick on it. Yeah, well, can you bring it over to me? I can't move it. This is a crime scene. Well, can you describe it to me? You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay? Oh, no. Just....

Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. aah!

There is no mercy in this dojo!

I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.

God, I should take her out right here with these, man. Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? (EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass.

Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

(SNORING) Oh, crap. Stewie! (STEAM HISSING)

This just in. Channel Five newscopter pilot Drunk Billy passed away today. In anticipation of this event, we put together a clip package featuring some of Billy's work for Channel Five News. (CROWD SCREAMING)

Chris, honey, what's wrong? Anna took a dump on me. What? Yeah, she broke up with me.

"What is the most unattractive "male first name in the English language?" Keith.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home.

Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving.

Oh, relax. After a little while, you'll forget they're even there. What's everybody looking at? The salesman told me it was unisex. Hey, those people look familiar. (SCOFFING) That's Heidi and Spencer. I don't really talk to them. Wow! Spencer does look like a monkey. Spencer, I am so over your selfishness. What do you want? I came out to Hollywood.

My boyfriend, Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter. She needs to get laid, big-time. Listen, Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right?

Bye, new awesome friends. Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, Lois. Hi, Glenn. We just thought we'd come by and see how Peter was doing. Yeah, has he gotten any better? I'm afraid not. He's still only speaking gibberish. Yeah, and we could live without the semen throwing, I'll tell you that. I don't know what else to do. We've tried everything to bring the old Peter back,

(EXCLAIMS) If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill!

Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

(LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS) Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

Ok, funcakes, let's do a scene. Ok, uh, Stewie, how about you and, uh, Let's see, one of our veterans. Um, Olivia. I'm not doing a scene with him! He's inexperienced! He'll drag my whole performance down! Are you serious? Is she serious? Ok, Stewie. I'll give you a solo exercise.

Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid.

(AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut.

Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck,

You will not convince me. America must pay for its sins. (VAN DOOR OPENS) Hold it right there. (GRUNTS) Mahmoud, you're under arrest. Look, Joe, I drove a van.

Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this. You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in. Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon.

I clean in here? Yeah. That's fine. I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down.

It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders! All right, Joe! Run! All right, Joe! Come on! Yeah! Hurry! Joe! All right! Yes, vamos! Ugh.

MAN'S VOICE: Old Man River That Old Man River He must know somethin'

(SIGHING) Ring, ring. Aren't you gonna pick it up? No, I'm not gonna pick it up on the first few rings. I'm busy. Maybe I'm in the other room. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. - Ring. Oh, come on. - Hello.

All right, new arrivals. There's only one way you're not getting on that train. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

Run! ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Great Moments in Women's Stand-Up Comedy. Sorry to interrupt nothing, but, Monkey, do you think you could help me? I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore.

Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day? No, no. Just cancel it. Okay, will do. - Who the hell was that? - Hmm? There was another Stewie right there.

Daddy, she's been missing so long.

Jerome? What the... What the hell are you doing here?

Well, that's it then. We got to find somebody to seduce Neil. - Who, me? - Well, if not you, Lois, then who? Beverly D'Angelo? 'Cause I don't think she'd do it. And I don't even know how to get ahold of her.

That's the end of my line. Your line, NCIS. You son of a bitch, you made me feel again. Oh, don't you go, 'cause I'll go. You know, Peter, I just want to thank you for all you've done for me. You are one hell of an agent. Well, with you as a client, it's easy. (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra?

Worse than when I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.

drove in through the morning fog Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat. Red-headed lady reaching for an apple

Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

(GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow...

It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah! Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here. Get out of my house, Benji! Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this. Yeah, look at this. Stop that! Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it!

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom!

Peter, shoot him! Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. What are you doing?

The crowd is storming the field! This is Pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat? Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends "for spending $150,000 a week "in misappropriated welfare funds" play.

As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana.

CARL: Hey, what the hell, man. What? CARL: You just made eye contact with me through the crack in the door, like, for a long time. Just seeing if anyone was in there. CARL: Yeah, but you knew that after half a second, but you kept looking. You're gross. You're a gross guy.

Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.

I know I will, Tom. In fact, There's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell. I'll see you there, Diane. Oh, It sounds like the opening ceremonies have begun. There are the paraplegics. Followed by the blind team. Still no sign of the deaf team, I notice.

Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her. You got any weed? I put it in your coat pocket. Here she is. Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening. How do I look, Brian? Uh, you sure do, Meg.

Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out. Sweet.

No, no. I--I think it's right where I'm at. Out of my way! Oh, I see. Yes, yes, i--I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait right here till you get back. Where the devil is he? You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"?

Good night, losers.

Face it, Mom. No matter what I wear, I look ugly. Meg, you're being.... That's.... Let's try down here. Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave. But first, let's go to the Ouahog Mega-Mall... where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa...

On any normal day you reek As if you're on a farting streak

I'll go have a talk with him. Hey, buddy, where are all your pals? Playing baseball. Well, why aren't you playing with them? 'Cause I don't have a glove. Oh, yeah? Gee! Just for me? No fooling? Nah, just kidding. It's mine. Oh! Yeah.

I will be here when you get out. Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict! Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.

and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words. This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas. Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris

Shouldn't we be getting out of here? All right, okay, all right, I got it, I know... Here's what we're gonna do. We're going to take the cushions off, unscrew the legs, take the mattress out, and this whole thing is going to be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it.

(ENGINES REVVING) All right, you ready? I don't want to do this. Go!

ahh! ahh! Oh, For the love of Pete! I'm good! Ah, How fun. And it's for a good cause. All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. Ladies and gentlemen,

you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself, and now nobody makes those jokes anymore. I mean, he's still gay, but now it's no fun to joke about it, because he... He beat us to the punch. My God!

Wh-- What th--What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! Ahh! Blast!

Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer! Go away!

Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one!

(SNIFFLING) (EXHALES) All right, I'll do it.

Giggity! Platinum-plated silverware Just one day when kids don't stare It's all I really want for Christmas this year!

My, they're much worse than I thought. My son got a D minus on his history test.

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

Hey, is this another one of those movies where you're an educated Boston street tough? I don't have to take that crap from you, neck.

come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!

Ooh it up A party get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear,

Peter! Peter Frampton! Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE? All right.

You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees are Ron Jones, Walter murphy,

Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor. I'm uncomfortable. You have to change me.

You're not like those other Snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.

What? (LAUGHS) He's writing your name in the shower door fog with his penis. Give me that. Why are you calling me at home? I want to hear you breathe. Breathe into the phone for me, Griffin. What?

Here are the American spies we captured, Mr. Prime Minister. (GASPING) (SIGHING) (GASPING)

Peter, How could you? Lois, I got a very good reason.

Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me?

Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one! Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in. Hello. Say, get the hell off my-- Hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass. Yes. I was hoping I could ask you about your neighbors, the griffins.

So why haven't we done anything about it? I just... You know, sometimes, taking things slower is better. Just ask any sloth. MAN: Hey, is sometimes taking things slower better? Yeah.

Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?

What? What is wrong with you?

Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off. Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. Yeah, I have MS.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Man! Our boy Chris partying with the cool kids. I am a very proud dad right now. And look at that Connie.

Tah-dah! Possum Surprise. Actually, I made it with Shake-n-Bake. And I helped! Kids, where's your father?

Well, then we are on two different wavelengths. Peter Griffin. Thanks for reading.

Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing,

(BUZZING) Peter, what if I said, "I keep your head dry, you wear me in the bathroom"? - Shower cap. - There you go.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no!

something happened at the mall, and she took a turn for the worse. They don't know how much time she has left. Quagmire just called. He's really upset. It doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason, but we should go anyway.

I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at...

Your attempts to escape are... futile. Ahh!

Yeah. And there's a chaiR. The solarium is at the far end of the west wing. Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

Believe it or not I'm walking on air I never thought I could be so free Flying away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING)

(SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot. I'm totally breaking up with him. I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys. But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school. (SIGHS) Yeah, you're right. God, they all suck so much.

Yeah. You know something, Brian? I bet you make the late-night monologues. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style." (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse.

Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!

Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch.

I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)

And let me assure you, my racquetball game is no indication of how we do business here at J.T. Stern. (CHUCKLES) Okay, zero serving zero. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) I have to say, Peter,

Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension. Let me ask you this. What about all the Renaissance art that Christianity inspired? That was my first question, too.

Officer Swanson, I just wanted to say congratulations. I'm Nora. I just joined the force. Nice to meet you. Wow, I've heard so much about you. You're like a legend at the academy.

My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead. Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors. Plus, when's the next time you're gonna get to give a bride away? I know. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

(ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery.

Ya! Hey, kids! Hey--hey, You know what I do? I work at a toy factory and you know what I do there? I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly-line guys who stand there all day screwing heads on dolls. "Ooh, Is it on straight? I don't know." Boo! Why, you little snot-nosed-- Mr. Griffin!

except no one's dead. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.

A few nights ago, I committed a murder. Then I buried the body and even went out of my way to cover up the evidence. Oh, my God! These are very serious charges, Brian. I know. And that's why I'm prepared for you to arrest me and take me to jail where I belong. I just couldn't take the stress anymore. I had to come clean.

Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage." Spread the word.

Chris, you're the man of the house now. Take the lessons I've taught you and be the best leader of this household you can. I will, Dad. (FARTS)

Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey!

(ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen. Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?

And I want a pet animal that's half-chinchilla and half-mink, 'cause it'd be really soft, and I could call it chink, and that's okay. Geez, doesn't the mall close soon? We've been here forever. Would you relax? We're right here. I'm next.

My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect!

Guadalajara, Mexico!

MALE NARRATOR: In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention. These men promptly returned home and drank some beer. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them,

Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes? We don't need guns! We need food and water! I have a canker sore on my lip!

I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

You have? Did you know when you kissed me on Hoth? Yeah. Well, that's pretty weird! I'm from Alderaan. It's kind of the Mississippi of the galaxy. Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darth Twitty. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - (THE GAMES THAT DADDIES PLAY - PLAYING)

You've known for weeks and you've been lying about having to stay here? Brian, don't you see? This is a wholesome community with real values. And our first runner-up is... Miss Dixie-Ann Thomas, which means that Miss Stephanie Griffin is our new Little Miss Texas!

No, not AA. A-A-A. Yeah, that's what I said. AA, eh? So you are with AAA? Oh, no, that's A-A-A. I just came from AA, eh? Huh? Stewie, I think he's just a drunk. Well, drunk or not, can you help us? I can if you want to join AA, eh? No, I'm already a member of A-A-A. I need help with the car. Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage. You might need a hose, eh?

(LAUGHS) Okay, now fire at everybody else. Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional!

Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick. Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his. Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch? I don't understand what... Oh, wait. What? Really? Hey, Stewie! STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard!

Way to go, Joe! Yeah! How do you like that, buddy? A sphincter says what. What? You stupid bastard.

I should've warned you, she can be a real bitch in the morning. Mom, this is really weird. I want Dad back. I don't. Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill. Not like the fake thrill of running into your ex-girlfriend on the street.

"oh, no, no, no "I'm A rock-it man "rocket man "burning out his fuse out here alone"

Okay, I got one. Who would you rather do? Lois or Bonnie? Well, Bonnie has a moisture issue. So does Lois. Punch Lois in the back of the head. She just black out or is there a chance she might have a seizure? I don't know. Okay. I thought you guys were married.

Wow, Then it's true. Cool! I get to be black and Irish! Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt!

Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids. Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here.

Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex. A soup kitchen, Dad?

It's anybody's race now, Tom! Ugh! And it's Odai Mutambo of Kenya! The decathlon. I don't know. That's quite a mountain to climb, Peter. Joe, look at me! look at me! Do I have food in my teeth?

Hi, uniform mentality. I'm an individual. Come on, Brian. They're forcing us to do this, so let's try and make the best of it. Can't be that bad.

Oh, come on. They don't own "French fries!"

You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss. I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye!

Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC

I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did. (ALL GASPING) I respect Brian's courage. It's not easy to stand alone, or find the child who stands alone, but that's the one you want.

If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass. Wait a minute. That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife!

Just tell me the truth!

Lois! Lois! LOIS! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Atta girl! Shake your money-maker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

I think I can help. What are you doing? My job.

Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea? Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.

Hey, kid, nice costume. Really? Oh, my God, thank you so much. My mother bought it for me, and I was worried it might be a tad banal, but if you big kids like it, then it must be pretty cool. That's a nice bag of candy you've got. Oh, thank you. You know, it's actually a pillowcase. They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know. Well, now it's ours.

MAN ON TV: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town, and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing." I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches.

You are so right. Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan!

I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex? No! But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married.

Is he gonna die? No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie?

Well, the odds were always against us.

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all!

How about I won't tell Mom and Dad about the money if you promise to do whatever I say? Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts. I mean it, Chris. I'll tell them. Mom, Chris took money out of the... Okay, okay, okay. I'll do whatever you want. I thought you'd see it that way. Here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me.

Stimulating, titillating kitty-cat impersonating Mega-rocking, pillow-talking just-a-little-crooked walking Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting For some reason, always shouting Fascinating, captivating happiness-and-joy creating Down's Syndrome girl!

Let's see. Something good. Something good. Something good. You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile. Where you need improvement. You have smelly dog farts. Something good. Something good. You really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week.

But the rest of you... The rest of you need to accept the fact that I made a simple mistake. And here it is. (FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, not to mention the theater.

I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks. Who cares? I don't need Quagmire. And I certainly don't need Joe.

You got that from Superman. Nobody likes you.

You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out Stuart Little. I just figured it out. "Stuart" means "mouse." No, Peter. "Little" means "mouse"?

no, no, No! You're doing it wrong! When you read Faust you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in A scary voice like this! Is that the way your Mommy reads iT?

- Talk to anyone interesting? - No, not really. Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me. My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING) PETER: Brown house.

I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?

I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it! Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands right there? It'll help me relax. Ok, buddy. Ahh! Heh, heh.

Admiral Ackbar, if you will? It's a trap! (LAUGHS) Just kidding. We'll get there later. So, let's pretty much just attack like we did last time. Sound good? No need to fix what ain't broke, right? Yeah, we did this already. That's what's so fucked up. General Solo will take a stolen Imperial shuttle and knock out the shield generator on the fourth moon of Endor,

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain!

Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd? I think that they're gonna have, they are gonna be fighting Deirdre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be better than usually.

You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But will you be prancing when... when... there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then? Oh, You just want to eat him up. It is so hot out there! How hot is it?

He's a family guy Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing?

But these things happen, you know? You go for a walk in the park one day, and wheelchair ninjas, and Nazis, and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill you, and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains. You've seen the news.

What? What? What are you looking at?

It's great. It's a donkey's vagina. (STAMMERS) How is that gonna... (BRAYING) (SCREAMING) Peter, stop him! No, this is good. This means I did a good job.

"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight! - Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then. - Don't know any better. - Bless your heart.

I won't! Just sleep with me, just this once, and it'll give me everything I need. Sleep with me tonight. Save my life. That was fantastic! It was exactly what I needed.

There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us. We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes.

Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. Beautiful! Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage.

I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

How much you want to take out? $40. There's a service charge of $1.50. Do y'all accept? Yes. Mmm. You smell like the inside of my mama's purse. Uh, ha, ha! Thank you. What are those dulcet tones? Why, This is the music of the angels!

I love brownie day. Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath.

Brian, will you take me down to babyGap? I want to dress like a small douche. No. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday. But you said you'd do it today. I'm kind of tired. For God's sake. Cancel my Tuesday appointments. Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day? No, no. Just cancel it. Okay, will do.

What? Who the hell is she? She's the woman I'm gonna have sex with tonight. And don't worry about getting me pregnant. I'm already pregnant.

It gets better after the first... (SNIFFING) What smells like head?

What a beautiful shade of lipstick on those teeth. Oh, thank you, but that's just my gums bleeding from aggressive gingivitis. Mmm. Well, your mouth is too sweet for your teeth to want to stay in. (LAUGHING) Oh! Yes. Well, I'm just gonna go to the powder room and freshen up. She's eating it up!

All right, I can do this. (TWANGING) (THUDDING)

Dad, why aren't you taking the car? Chris, we're in Texas now. If I'm not riding a horse, I'm gonna stick out like a straight guy in a figure skating competition.

You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

I only came 'cause I'm writing a magazine article. One of the competitors is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy. Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry, and found out she had a talent for it. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, give an indifferent East Coast welcome to the newest bull rider, Peter the Kid! (CROWD CHEERING)

Peter, look! Holy crap, that's the tattoo! Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is. 5-5-5-0-1-4-3. Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.

But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it!

(GASPS) Oh, my God. I knew this day would come. Rupert, we're under attack by monsters! Dear God!

Would she be face up? No, she had small breasts, but a great ass. She's definitely face down.

Okay, I'm embarrassed. I'm standing out here without a shirt on and my pajama bottoms are riding insanely low on my hips.

Gimme money. Gimme money. You be careful, sweetie, and call us as soon as the plane lands. Okay, Mom, I will. I'll miss you, Dad. (GROANS) I've never been very good at saying good-bee. Good-bee, Meg.

I want to jump your non-bones. Jeez! I can't believe I'm your type. As you can tell from my husband, I've got a thing for saggy, shapeless men. I'm married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Will you sleep with me? Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass. But Louie Anderson's eating the soap in the bathroom. Why don't you try him?

(SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this! Never gonna give, never gonna give

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

I mean, we have feelings. We're people. Right. It's like they all have the same mindset. It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah. And there's so much more to life than that. Twenty feet that way, please.

Well, you had those three cups of NyQuil. You'll be down soon enough. Okay, good night, Mr. Herbert. Sweet dreams, Chris.

Today we have a recent vintage procured just this morning from Michael's Hobby Shop.

I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

(SCREAMING) (GROANING)

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.

She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right. I have a very tough time standing up in the car. Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together. I wonder where we're going. Calm down! I'll tell you what were going to do. Wherever this van stops, we'll begin a new life together.

Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka It doesn't keep me up at night, but it helps me poo. (SOBBING)

Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell Highway to hell You are banished from our community at once! And take your whore daughter with you!

What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.

Philadelphia, PA CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets of Brazil CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Back in the USSR CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

I only hear what I want to I've had it. The only place in town that's got power is Superstore USA while the rest of us are left to bake in the heat. There's gotta be something we can do to take that place down. Don't worry, Brian. I think I've got an idea. BOTH: Uh-huh.

This tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie Treats. I share them with all of you in the hopes that one day your wounds may be healed as well. Amen. Right on. Hey, Why is he taking one? Oh, This is my friend, Peter Griffin. He recently discovered he was black.

(SIGHING) Thank you very much. Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all. But it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. Oh, that's terrible. I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job.

Hey, everyone, Neil Goldman is gay. (ALL CHEERING) Awesome. That rules. Aw, lucky. But I'm not gay. Okay, I'm gay. (ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil! Neil is such a perfect name for a gay guy.

Some dog is going around town trying to get support for gay marriage. Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition. Really? Chris, you've got to destroy that petition. Why? Because if you do, I'll let you touch my boobs. Is--Is--Is that good? Do--Do I want that? Oh, yeah, you want that. Well, fantastic then.

He's trying to get over the border! You think so? Definitely. There's only one road into Juarez, and it goes through El Paso. We got to get to El Paso. Joe, how do you know the area code for Juarez, Mexico? There was a stem cell doctor I went down there to see.

I prayed for you, Max Weinstein, and here you are. Ok. Listen, uh, Thanks for letting me use the phone. Thanks for Spaceballs. YeAh, well, If there's anything I can ever do for you-- You can't leave! ahh!

Oh, Jack. Now we can get married and everything you promised. Yeah, about that, uh, I was pretty sure I was gonna die, uh,

Guys, we're stopping at the bathroom first. Okay? So if you're not comfortable with me as a person, please circulate yourselves to the outer edges of the group. (UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too.

So, still no luck on the girl front, huh? I know Dad's been trying to help, and I'm trying to listen to him,

Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews. After this.

I say! Brian, look. 3 rows down. What? Is that Tom Bosley? What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switzerland? I--I'm almost certain. Tom! Did he look? I don't know. well, If I yell, you have to watch. Tom Bosley! No, it's not him.

And C. You actually like High School Musical? What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room. Questions? Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome!

Ha, ha. W-What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack-off a guy? 'Cause I'm marrieD. Silence!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Brian's gonna be so mad at me. What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right. I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents. Unattractive women do it all the time.

What if Mamie got cancer? Mamie's not getting cancer! Or how about one of us? What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing.

You son of a bitch! (WAILING)

(FAINT CHEERING) Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again. You're making us so happy. Well, I wish my husband felt the same way you do, but he's just gonna have to accept it. Now, Mrs. Griffin, you should understand,

I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot! It seems today

You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

That's it. Goodbye.

(BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke. I'll never join you. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. He told me you killed him. No, I... Hang on. Spoiler alert.

Here comes Scott! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers. Also, trying to comprehend their obsession with the homosexuals from 'NSYNC.

Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check. 9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context. There's the writer of the Harry Potter series.

You know, when you talk, you sound a lot like my father-in-law,

Wait! You also made a promise to me. You promised we'd spend Valentine's Day together. The whole day. And I'm not letting you break that promise. Well, I guess a deal's a deal. Okay. By the way, did you know you had a tiny conjoined twin attached to your hip?

Peter, Death just agreed to let you live. Oh, man. This really is my night. I get to live, and I'm on T.V. Our top story tonight, the rules of death no longer apply. That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself! I'm here with Peter Griffin,

Meg, what's wrong? I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!

Yeah. I just got bounced by the Pope's road crew. good thing you missed me. I'm set to drive the Popemobile. Any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours. I always wake up feeling fine, but it's just so darn inconvenient to be knocked out that easily. Even by the slightest tap. Like this.

Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit. Afternoon, Officer.

Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew Hey!

No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.

Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin. Listen, you guys are doing a great job. If anybody knows what America wants in the '90s, it's NBC. But I just have one small request. I like Dateline, but I really hate waiting two hours to find out who the killer is. MAN: Tonight on Dateline, a woman murdered. Was it her ex-boyfriend?

Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey?

or you do. Woo-hoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now. Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh! Oof! I smell a messy diaper.

She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks. Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you. What are you doing? Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding. No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you!

Hey, Lois. Doesn't somebody have a birthday coming up this week? It's nice of you to remember, Brian, but, frankly, I'd rather let this one slip by. I don't need to be reminded how old I'm gettin'. You know, it's funny. You keep so busy with your kids, time just seems to slip away, and then you turn around one day and... Okay, bye. Stop making noise.

Look what they did to me. My legs are useless now. (MUFFLED LAUGHTER) And trust me, they'll be back. Well, what are we gonna do? You know what, boys? Desperate times call for desperate measures. If that stingy old Carter won't give us the money we need, I say we take it from him.

No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way. ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.

She's hot. All right, last call, fellows. It's closing time. Oh, crap! I'm not even half-buzzed.

All right, if we're gonna break out of here, we got to get past these guards.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! You... You have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute. (CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium.

Watch out for the stairs!

Be careful. Muriel could be in any one of these pantries. (DR. HARTMAN GROANS)

Uncle Owen? Aunt Beru? Oh, my God! John Williams! Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Yes? Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law. My client was injured listening to this audio book. We're suing you for every penny you've got. What? Why? You're liable as publisher. I'm here to seize your assets. Griffin.

You shouldn't have done that, little fellow. You just earned yourself a trip to the pound!

Next day at work, Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there. Stewie, shut up! What? It's just a weird image. Like the way Commissioner Gordon tells Batman that he just took a poop. Ugh! I don't need to know about that.

Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good. Let the hate flow through you. You're not helping!

If you ever... I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.

Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing?

Oh, Sorry, we're out of towels. Uh, Let me get that for you, sir.

What the hell do we do now? We pray. Huh? Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party? I feel terrible about this whole thing. Look, Why don't I just put us up at a nice hotel for a coupla days? Oh, That's a great idea, Brian.

It's no use, Peter. We've lost him. PETER: Our journey had abruptly ended, and the trail had gone cold. Well, I guess we're never gonna find the source of that joke.

(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends? There's so many questions left unanswered.

Careful, Redd Foxx! There's one right on your tail. I'm coming, Elizabeth!

every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky,

Welcome to the quahog Beer Party! I do feel a little guilty about polluting. I felt Guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. Peter, what are you doing? Hey, It may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit, but it's still beer, damn it. Ha! Good point. Bottoms up! Take that, you lousy Brits!

Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie. Honey, if you wanna lose weight, I'll put you on a diet, and your father can help you exercise. Really? Why don't you do what the supermodels do? Stick your finger down your throat,

Go on, then. We're both men. Well, all right, I guess. There you go! (HEARTY LAUGH) Look at that! What is... Whoa! Solar eclipse. Blocking the sun.

Hey, Brian. I just noticed you over here. Hi, I'm Jillian. Desiree. Charmed. Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned. Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away.

Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! Yes, it is! And don't call me boy!

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

No! Oh, God, it's cold!

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM)

Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all.... What?

and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket. Any of you kids want to see a dead body? Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter.

What? What's the problem? Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's... There's something different about you. You're not wearing glasses. Yeah, they got busted. I'm wearing contacts. I can see your eyes and your eyelashes!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I'm on to you. Oh, yes. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed.

We perform at all the football games. I'm practically a cheerleader. Oh Meg, that's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Peter? Hey, Way to go, Stewie. All right, Chris. I'll see you a fork and raise you A gravy ladle. You're on! So, you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg. Yes, yes.

It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. He just needs to find himself.

Stand up, all fat men Stand up straight Stand up because no chair Can hold your weight If God created us

I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine And I want you to know that my feelings are true I really love you Peter, I'm dying. This is the last time I'll ever see you.

MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

Glenn, we are so thrilled for you. Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero. Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys.

To see how her work was going

Peter, what did you mean by what you said?

Hey there, fellas. Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers... ...and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind ifl have a seat? I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it? I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet.

Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

So I found the cure for cancer and didn't announce it. Big deal. I also took a dump today and didn't issue a press release. Oh, that's interesting, because I did. Good for Peter. It's about time the media covered something positive. Daddy, you're the chairman of a billion dollar company. You've got more money than anyone could ever spend in one lifetime. Are you challenging me to a Brewster's Millions?

Stewie, I... You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot?

At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite.

Oh, honey, how was your day? Did you catch any fish? No, but I caught this turtle. Named him Terence. Then killed him, and hollowed him out into an ashtray for Stewie. Peter, we have a family to feed. We all count on you to provide for us. I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show.

(SCREAMING) (PANTING)

That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire. (LAUGHING)

I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

My God, this house is freakin' sweet I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch

Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg.

And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man.

I must admit, there have been some moments that were, dare I say, fun. We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're having the time of our lives

Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT) (GROANS)

Oh, Natalie Wood. Definitely Natalie Wood. Somebody save him, he can't swim! Oh, He's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick! Peter, he's a paraplegic. That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick, Joe, kick!

Nope, Texas state law. You have a nice day now.

Yes, I think that would be fine. Get away from my wife, you rascal! Such language in the presence of a lady. If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

What are you looking at?

And done. There it is, Stewie. Three hours, 27 minutes, and I've got myself one big steaming pile of book. You want to hear it? Definitely! What are you calling it? - Wish It. Want It. Do It. - Love it. Thanks. Okay. "Chapter One: Wish it.

Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

(GASPS) Stewie! That's my name, don't wear it out. (GIGGLING) See, that's brand new to him. (BOTH GRUNTING)

A new-- A new world! A better world! A German world! Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Yeah! We will emerge as the dominant people! And it's all 'cause of you guys. You know what? You guys, with your marching, and your letters, and your phone calls...

Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie!

You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine.

(GASPING) Oh, my God! Carolyn?

Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What? Uh, hi. Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell?

Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights, but I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air. All in favor? ALL: Aye. Opposed? (DUCK SQUAWKS) The motion carries. I don't know about this, Stewie. Nonsense. You're a hero now. Your picture's in the paper.

Look, I know you're going through a confusing time. The thing is, though, I feel like you're not actually gay. What? No, I told you, I am. You don't talk or act gay. I mean, you play football. Those jeans cost 20 bucks, tops.

It appears a new challenger has entered the field. The crowd has fallen deathly ill-- silent. Sorry.

your birdhouse will be complete. Peter, you already do nothing around the house, and now you're wasting more time with this nonsense. Geez, you're still getting on my hump about this? I help out around here. Just this morning I changed Meg's diaper and I sent her off to school. Boy, can she kick, but she left here spotless.

You need to wipe your neck with the soda can.

My VCR's still broken. Did you remember to watch Survivor? Yes, sir. All right, I wanna see it. Previously on Survivor, Grace won immunity after lying to Kyle about a stomach virus. I've seen this. Fast forward. Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer.

Peter, if you'd just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this. Later, Brian. I gotta do something people will remember me for... which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine. You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere...

No, that'll only make things worse!

I'm Chris and this is our band, Splash Log, and we're gonna rock this place until... (STAMMERS) Until about 9:30, 'cause that's when the dance is over. (ALL CHEERING) Evil monkey holds the key

And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body.

Look, look, look, let me put it to you this way. I'm attracted to you in the way that a man is attracted to a woman, but I'm not gay.

I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh!

"Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me? Yeah. P.S... Oh, oh, Hold on a second. H-hold on. Hold on. Relax. Everybody relax.

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.

Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that! Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night.

Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house? Great, Lois. Just...great. You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about.

That's a good sign, right? Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt with you. Yeah? We love this pilot!

Okay. Well, I'll go pick some up. Thanks, Brian. I love you. And if you're going out, get some milk of magnesia. Yeah. You just said that. (GIGGLING)

Right fine performance at the cricket match today.

I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well.

You idiot. Ghosts don't exist. Wait a second, they might.

Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad. Quick! Back up!

That's a good argument. It's a very good argument. I agree. I agree. Really? Because I read Wish It. Want It. Do It. (CHUCKLING SHEEPISHLY) Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your lives. Uh... Yeah, I didn't read it.

And besides, look at this place.

James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison, nice and easy. But Stephanie got in the way. She was in James' chair at the wrong time. And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise. The power outage provided a perfect cover.

You hear me? I'm not one of you! And I never will be! (SNORING)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch. (CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING)

All right Meg, I'm gonna need you to boil some water. And girls, I'm gonna need towels, lots of them! Ok, let's go!

Joe, please, can't we talk about this? There's nothing to talk about. I've outgrown you, Bonnie. I need to spread my legs and fly. (CAR HORN HONKING) Keep the kid.

It's about a relationship, right? No, no, it's obviously about the fear of growing old. You know, I think you're both kind of right. I guess I always thought it was about human limitation, both mental and physical. Okay, that... That just blew my face off.

All right, there's the checkpoint. If we can get past it, we're out of occupied Poland. Right. Mort, you all set? Oh, God, I hope this works. Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now, and we'll be bringing our friend who is absolutely, 100% not Jewish. Hey, how about that Jesus, huh? What a guy.

"Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House? Well, I guess we're just lucky nobody got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I agree.

And more importantly, are you all better than Jesus? I'm better than Jesus. Okay, yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus. But the rest of you... The rest of you need to accept the fact that I made a simple mistake. And here it is.

No. What are you talking about? Well, like the whole business last night with the TV. I'm just saying, maybe we have a poltergeist. Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts. It's all just... (GASPING) Oh, I must have accidentally stacked all those things upside down and then just forgot about it. Yeah, that's probably what happened.

Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs.

(GASPS) FEMALE VOICE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency? Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed by an Imperial walker and I need roadside assistance. Of course, sir. Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar? Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar.

Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson lived in peace and happiness.

Hey, hey, hey. The Easter Bunny is here. Happy Easter! Peter, what the hell are you doing in that? Have you been drinking? Not since I got out of the car. Who here thinks they can kick my ass? Peter, you are not gonna ruin this seder. Now, get out of here! I'm sorry, kids. I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor.

All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out, it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation. I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian,

That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee! You know you made me love you I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen. I was born in a little town called quahog.

(PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!

That is the best. What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Oh, this is bogus!

is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone. Is that what you really want, Lois? Yes, it is. Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her.

Oh, hey, Joe. God, I thought I was in trouble for a minute. Hey, toots, you know why I pulled you over? You were going too sexy in a 35 zone. I'll need to see your driver's license. What?

(CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake. Come on, Meg.

Chaperone? Yeah. Uh-huh. We're in that section right over there. Hey! There he is! It's Brian Griffin! Damn it, Randy. You just spilled my juice box. Oh. They absolutely love your book.

I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise. PETER: Hang on! Okay! Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise.

Joe, I need to use your bathroom. Sure, Peter. What the hell? How do you even... What? It... I don't... Wait. How do I... JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be way too complicated for you. How come there are two toilets?

The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to each other. Peter, I-- Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here.

Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

What the deuce? Why the hell would she respond positively to such a negative comment? Unless... Brian, do women like it when you treat them like crap? Well, I don't know if you want to be that black and white about it. That's it, isn't it?

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up next, a boxing match where the fighters are bleeding before the fight? We've got exclusive coverage of tonight's women's boxing bout, Griffin versus Jackson. We're here live with contender Deirdre Jackson outside her dressing room.

Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones. (SIRENS WAILING) NARRATOR: Amazingly, this drunk driver turns left into oncoming traffic. He narrowly misses hitting a pedestrian, who jumps out of the way just in time.

Look at those smiles. (BUZZER SOUNDING) All right, lights out, ladies.

Well, I'm glad we're finally going out, Ellen. I've really liked you for a long time. Hey, what the hell you think you're doing? Sitting down. Get up and pull my chair out for me. Oh, goodness, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That's better. You going to be this rude all evening?

FEMALE VOICE: Oh, God! Nobody's touched me like that for so long. (MOANING EXCITEDLY) Oh, no! I think I hear my husband. Honey, I'm home. What the hell is this? (SHOUTING) Who's he? Thank God you're home, honey. He tried to rape me. Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

Really? Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know. No, you'd know. Aw, man! What do we call him now? We... Do we still call him "Dan"? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What is it? Like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida. (GASPS)

And I always heard me nana talk about how she took a duke. Must've been a difficult marriage, too, 'cause every afternoon she'd be bellyaching about her bloody duke. I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow. And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty.

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk? Hey, Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring.

We're not too late. Hey! Hey! Can I help you, gentlemen? Follow that truck. Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck." Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please." Please follow the truck. Please follow the truck. (TIRES SQUEALING)

Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?

Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Aah! Take that!

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.

(GASPS) (SQUEALS)

We interrupt this program for some breaking news, which is why I'm still chewing a bagel. (CHEWING) Mmm. Just roll the footage.

It's so-so. Uh, More or less.

(CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay! Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming.

(LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself... (SHOUTING)

Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be staying with us for a few days. That's right, kids. So just treat him like one of the family. You mean like Cousin Janine who we're polite to, but then mock her diabetes on the drive home? She can't eat caramel. Exactly.

If you put on this long, thick dress right now, I will lose it! Peter, I'm not wearing that thing. And if you put this shawl over your head... Do you have any clunky, unfashionable peasant shoes? Oh, I swear to God, Lois. I swear to God, I would lose it. Peter, get off me! Tell me I don't earn as much as your friend's husband.

Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard! That is Journey. Streetlight people Get some! Get some!

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money?

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass!

What, are you out of your mind? What about those fighters? I said turn us around! Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is Turn it upside down Take it back to Bespin

Hey, guys, check it out. I peed my name in the snow. Jesus, Joe. That's normal. Wow, looks like the whole neighborhood's out here. Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out. - Hello, Peter. - Argh! (STUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you doing out here in all this snow?

Peter, you seem happy this morning.

Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.

And, besides, it's not like Tracy ever asked for my help. Yeah, it seemed like they're all set without you. She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

I could blow your brains out and they'd throw me a parade! What? I'm just screwing around, Brian. Nobody cares. Peter, what are you doing? She's still here, Lois. Wasn't she supposed to leave, like, two hours ago?

Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

413, 413... I think this is it, Chris. The Mr. Sulu Show! (TO STAR TREK THEME MUSIC) Sulu, he star of the show

Give me all your money!

What about the prequels? I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.

Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant?

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms,

You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow. It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.

This guy's screaming and waving his arms around. You're an old man. You don't understand the young people. You're right. I'll change from now on. Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING)

It's so-so. Uh, More or less.

Wait a minute, am--am I the only one who thinks this is nuts? We've given up our whole lives. Come on, Brian, a change of scenery is always good. Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Nebraska. So, um, anybody see any good movies lately? No, not really. No. No.

I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day.

I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing!

anyone say about anything. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way. Shut up. Mom, it's not your decision. I want to be exploited. Meg, don't you talk to me like that. Look, Lois, I love Meal Ticket just as much as I love Chris and Stevie... but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this.

All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out. What's that big back part? Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him. I wonder what this thing is for. Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does. All right, here goes. Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.

That awesome Thunder Cats cartoon. Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. Neil Armstrong? Wait, Was he the trumpet guy? So, let's go see the U.S.A. They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee

All the fish in the bucket now!

It's been a whole week since I seen a T.V. show. I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob.

Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things.

Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) All right, drop the coats on three. One, two, three! Yeah! Oh...

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh!

(MR. NIGHT PLAYING)

Nice job, man! Wow!

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

Hey, what the hell you think you're doing? Sitting down. Get up and pull my chair out for me. Oh, goodness, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That's better. You going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself. Oh! Um.

(SNAPS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy? Okay. Why? Uh, it's a present. It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you!

What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss!

- Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow.

What a great little party, Janet. You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much. Oh, no. It's not on his tail. It's on his face. I've ruined it. Oh, no. Well, that's okay, though. Somebody else will come along and get it right. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie.

Come on, I got to watch the Emmys. Peter, you're going to Meg's play and that's that.

You're so good with animals. I guess I could give it a try. All right, here goes. Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own...

I don't know, boys. He's in rough shape. Doctor, you've got to do something for him. It's Christmas Eve! Christmas is the problem. He can't keep this pace up anymore. If he goes out tonight, he'll die. Well, then who's gonna deliver all the presents?

Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread good will towards all men. The irony, of course, is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others,

Hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood? The pregnant one? Yep, she's having her kittens right now. (GASPING) Oh, no way. Yeah, making all those high-pitched "mew mew" noises and everything. I love them already.

Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! They've got Ruth!

But, uh, you know, thanks to these sessions, i--i--I think I'm ok. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for 2 weeks now. Mazel tov. Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. And thank you.

All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution.

Lois' vagina was so wrecked they had to sew it up,

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything!

I remember the sky was a majestic orange. (PHONE VIBRATING) The breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but, you know, not so warm that you'd break any kind of a sweat. Because let me tell you, it just ruins... Big gay phoque. Big gay phoque, yeah.

Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.

What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

- (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING)

So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it.

That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.

Lois, I could lose my presidency! Too bad! I've already lost more than that! Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes? No. I've lost my respect for you. Oh. Because I need those socks.

seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass. You're trying too hard, death.

(ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) All right, drop the coats on three. One, two, three! Yeah! Oh...

I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish, by Peter Griffin. "Chapter One. "Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick. "She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish."

(PANTING) What the hell was that?

Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory.

(SIGHS) The annual Quahog Star Trek convention, where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge?

Mmm. "Jingle keys." (CROWD SHOUTING) My God! I'm a tomato! MALE REPORTER: And now back to The Sound of Music.

Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. All right, you did good. Going to take her to Walt's Roast Beef. All right, kids, we got 200,000 lottery tickets we got to check. All right, how do you want to do this? A static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over-explains what we're doing? Um, that second one sounds like it could be funny.

What? Oh, listen, Peter. I didn't... Meg, please! It's true. You never want to do anything with me! But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like! And he's been helping me with all my homework! He helped me get an A in algebra! How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra? (CRYING) Because he asked!

Doo-doo-doo so awfully different Doo-doo-doo too awfully different Doo-doo-doo to ever be pals Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Your head's as massive as a meteorite oh, Very funny.

Peter, this car has dents in it, and it's got a cardboard steering wheel. Yeah, Just a second, honey. And look. There's no engine. It just has a drawing of an engine. But it only had one previous owner. James Bond! I'll take it!

Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual!

What, You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner. Well, you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow. Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? Well, I just... Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but... What is it, Peter? You're getting kind of fat.

Hey, Brian, thanks for helping get rid of Miss Emily. Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you!

Some days I think it was easier being Q-Bert's roommate. (SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.

Sir, don't get snippy with me.

but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks, but you're also my father, and you're the only one I'll ever have, so I'm not going to fire you. Mr. Penisberg, I quit. Penisberg?

(SOBBING) Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want.

It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.

I'm just sorry I never got to make out with her. She would have crushed your scrota into a diamond with her robot-strength hand. Come on, let's get out of here. All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb... (SHUSHING) Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim.

I do feel a little guilty about polluting. I felt Guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. Peter, what are you doing?

No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering. You know, this cost me $437,000. Don't ask me how I got it.

I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly. Lois, I need your help. You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon. Lois, I could lose my presidency! Too bad! I've already lost more than that! Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes?

Well, we can fix that. Come on, girls, let's dance. Hey, hey, hey, stop it. You women can't dance in here. Well, I know two people who'll take my side on this. The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing. Right, guys? Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it.

Introducing rock 'n' roll.

You're a happy guy when you plant the seed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed! As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana.

Was--Was he just mastur-- Yes. Oh, my! Do we... Do we rub his nose in it?

Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about?

If you all saw Apollo 13, you know they had to fix an air scrubber with just the tools in the capsule. Griffin, I need you to use these tools to fix my marriage.

Let's say we're at someone else's store and there's a sign and it says, "Buy one, get one free."

We're not... We're just talking. We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me.

(EXCLAIMS) Terrible pharmacy toys. We'll see to it that no child ever receives these as a last-minute gift hastily bought on the way to the party.

He... He sent down an angel. (GASPS) Fear not, pretty lady, who ain't never had no relations. I's been sent to bring you the message that tonight you's gonna be getting pregnant with the Son of God.

Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got--

Yeah, I think that your father is gay. Gay? We should all be so gay! Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh? Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero. Look, you'll see. At the Navy Ball, you'll see how much of a man he is and how everyone in the military respects him.

Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks, but you're also my father, and you're the only one I'll ever have, so I'm not going to fire you.

This just in, wanted fugitive, Bobby "The Shirt" Briggs, notorious for always wearing shirts while committing his crimes, has finally been caught after 15 years on the lam. A police spokesperson was quoted as saying,

Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

Victory is mine! aah!

Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like? There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge. Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it! I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!

Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.

Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. (LAUGHS) I mean your daughter's in a coma. Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter.

Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!

Look, I'll do it myself. How about that? Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me. I mean, I think we should do what he says. Well, yeah, but, Brian... I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap!

Oh, Sorry, we're out of towels. Uh, Let me get that for you, sir.

Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz. Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

Oh, thank God. We made it. (GROANS) My neck! You backed into me, and now... MURIEL: And your back!

Yes, Lois. That's how we coexist. Just like I coexist with the tiny race of people who live in our carpet. (MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Dad, what's that? I think I hear music. Oh, that's the little people, Chris. They're playing music so that I will bless them with food.

I used my nose, which I always forget about. Come on, let's go. No, I'm not going back! I can't! They're gonna be mad at me! I didn't tell anyone. You... You didn't? No, I didn't. Look, I thought about it, and to be honest, it's probably my fault for leaving you alone in the car. And if you promise never to do it again, I won't say anything.

Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?

Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s. It shouldn't be in this jukebox. Wait, wait, can I have that record? I love that song. I'll let you have sex with my daughter.

Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries. (BILL COSBY SCATTING) Ghost Dad!

Yeah, yeah, I can hear some of the jokes. Well, I guess you just never know what kind of rage some people have bottled up. Well, we all got anger, Chris. The important thing is finding a healthy way to channel it. For me, as you know, it's the family bath. Peter, how long do we have to sit here? Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

Wow! You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple.

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room.

Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's fly. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, you are living la Vida loca.

You're not going to get away this time, you son of a bitch.

Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.! I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows. I don't know. I thought you wanted to do a good show? If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent?

but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

I think he's gone.

CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie. This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10.

Ok, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh. "Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like a crumpet? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. "Would you like to wear knickers? "I would, because I'M WiN--" My wife is very ill! Yes, do you mind?

Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy.

Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley.

Cancun, actually, thanks for asking. Just got back.

But why, Brian? You wouldn't understand. You're just a kid.

I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good. Brian, are you going straight back to the hotel?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too.

Good stuff. Good stuff.

Boy, clothes sure are a prison, aren't they? Lot of drum roll for nothing. What's this? Ooh, candy!

because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la! Great shot, Cleveland Jr. Thanks, Mr. Drummond. Listen, For, uh, for today, can you--can you switch and call me Mr. Papadapolis? You got it! And would you-- would you hate me if I called you Webster? - That's the line! - Ok, sorry.

Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good. I love you so much.

It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

That's hilarious. Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane!

I can't believe I thought you were special! Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do? Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him. We had sex. We had sex! We had what Joe calls sex.

(SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.

(SIGHS) Guess I'm on my own now, Rupert. It could be worse, though. At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway!

What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her? Doesn't look good. Stewie, I think there's only one way we're ever gonna see Meg again. You and I have to take matters into our own hands. What? What are you talking about? Look, you're the only one who's got the know-how and the technology to help us track her down. Hmm. Interesting.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped. HEy, JoE, Where are you going?

Lois, "Four guys from the suburbs hit the road, "and the road hit back." (LAUGHS) Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie. Blades of Glory. "Kick some ice." Entrapment. "The trap is set." RV. "On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream."

So, what was it like on the other side? Well, I met Jesus up there. Wow, what's he like? Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese. Really? Yup, Jesus is Chinese. In fact, his last name is Hong. Jesus Hong. Says he has no idea where people are getting Christ.

We're in the middle of a thing here. Well, you didn't return any of my texts. (STAMMERING) So what's going on? You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.

(RINGING) Hello? Lois, it's your father. The hospital called and said you released Patrick. Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous.

Dad, what are you doing? I'm, uh--ju-- Uh, keeping the couch fresh. Dad! It's ok, Meg. I understand what's going on here.

I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No! - I get involved? - What? I get involved with lady? What do you think? Turn around. - I don't think so. - Okay. - You lend me money? - No.

Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again! PETER: ...the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Brian? Yeah? I don't feel so good.

Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think. Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track?

No! No! You'll never take me alive!

Government came and took my baby. This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages."

Albert Einstein worked for the patent office. And what is it you want to patent, Herr Smith? I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity." Hey, look at this. What? I think what Lois is trying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively.

Yes, I did, Lois. These are going in the garbage. But these I'm keeping for myself. Moderation, Lois. Wow, Peter. I never thought I'd see the day. Good for you. From now on, half of every six-pack I buy is going in the trash.

You're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife. Because of an accident at the quahog Cable Company television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.

Oh. Hi, Consuela. Hello, Mr. Peter. No school today. So, I bring my nephew Mikey. You want to buy a light-up yo-yo? Well, kind of.

I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.

Ah! Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies. Wow! Does it really smell like cook-- Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!

Why can't you just let me be happy with the man I love? Carol, if you marry him, you're just gonna get hurt again. Is that what you want? Well, no. Look at these men. Are you psychologically able to deal with this pain a 10th time? Oh, my God.

They're T-shirts that say, "I lost my shirt in Lost Wages." (LAUGHING) I think maybe you should keep 'em.

- Excuse me? - Look, your show is really boring. But don't worry, I got some ideas on how you can jazz it up. Listen, I don't need your suggestions, pal. I've been a big celebrity for a year and a half now. Okay, if that's how you're gonna be. We'll see how this plays out.

And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade!

Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Tell me about it.

And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day The one I love forever is untrue And if I could, you know that I would fly away with you

(GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

Can I have another bourbon, please? Hey, Blondie. You wanna get together with my dogwood? What? Dogwood? You know, like Dogwood and Blondie, like in the funnies? You mean Dagwood? Dagwood, that's what it is. Hey, how about this one? You want to take a wizard on my id?

Now, you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago. - All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage.

Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay?

Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay. I'm a banana I'm a banana Peel the banana Peel the banana Now go bananas! Go, go bananas! Go! Come on, you guys. Do it with me. Go bananas. Yeah!

Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts? He's half your size.

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady.

So have a Merry Christmas and...

"has affected my life in the following ways. "The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature.

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

I need 40. Ben, Hope, please, I just want to do anything I can to help your son. Well, you can, Lois. Stay and pray with us. I think you'll find that with God's love and a true belief, all manner of miracles are possible.

Peter, the toilet paper is made of money. Yeah, and look at this.

Do you like Coldplay? Uh, am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay. God, Toby, I can't believe how much we have in common. - It's like we were meant to find each other. - I know. To us. Meg, if you were any more beautiful, that'd be neat.

He's a family guy oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night?

Meg, take Stewie upstairs.

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

I love you so much.

Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too. Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true. That's right, little buddy. What do you want most in the whole world? In the whole world, you say?

But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.

Ha! You mind if I, uh... They don't respect you. What do you mean? Listen to me. I used to be the laughing stock around here until my country invaded Kuwait. Now I have a seat in the 3rd row. Look, the only way to get any respect around here is to find something you want and just take it! Wait A second, If everybody respects you,

All right, men, the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb. Today he comes for me, but tomorrow it could be you or you!

Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's assbitch. If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her. I'd like those things for us, Chris.

And so, gentlemen, in baseball, three strikes and you're out. But three Lucky Strikes... And you're in. Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME)

with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek. Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends. That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy,

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.

You should know better than that, Peter. Now, I think you have an apology to make.

No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

- But I have to get dinner. - Go out!

Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato?

Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long.

They ran all the time! Jeez, All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now? Oh, Kids. Look at that man over there!

I'm gonna pee! Listen, I just feel awful about this. Horace was a good bartender and a good guy. I wish there was something I could do.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family. That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog... ...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all!

aw, That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in. Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines! Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he?

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) It is Jesus! Oh, my God! It's him! It's Jesus! And his best pal, Peter. Oh, wow!

Oh, Very good, fat man! We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over! Uh, Damn it! Stewie, Get out of that nuclear waste!

Hello, Doreen? Yeah, uh, I'm still over at the Griffin job, um, listen, Tell Walter I'm not going to be able to make it to the construction site. So, um, I don't know. Have him send Frank, or Glen, or Harelip Steve.

I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?

I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

I thought you might like it. Wow. Thanks a lot. And I got you this bag of weed. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you. Gosh, thanks.

Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. (PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what?

Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun.

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000.

Why would anyone want to kill Chris? I don't know, but I do know that he's in a great deal of danger right now. Come on. Let's go! Yeah! But wait, this is our last chance to do a panty raid! (GIRLS SCREAMING) Yay! Fat camp! We got it! Oh, no, a gust of wind! (WIND HOWLING)

Peter, it's just a stupid kids' show. Just a stupid kids' show? What about Pengrove Pig and the Lollipop Luau? (STAMMERING) Uh, I don't know. This is going to leave a void, and somebody's got to fill it. I think you're overreacting. You don't understand, Brian. What am I supposed to do without Jolly Farm? I'll be like an Italian mom without bad kids.

I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad! Maybe we should go now.

Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING)

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog. (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no! Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog. I know. Oh, no!

A phone? A pony? - A humidor? - A dead Lois? Yeah. Well, It's in the basement. Come on. Let's go see. My own phone!

Look, the diaper's completely clean. Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't. You have to clean my ass. Oh, God, Stewie, there's got to be a line! Brian, this is the most important part. You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes. She gets all up in my biznatch with those. No, no way. I could get really sick. Look, there's hardly anything on it. This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.

Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop

What did I just say? I'm calling the police! I don't know, Brian. Don't you think you have a responsibility to your son? I... Lois, I didn't even know I had a son until today. And, besides, it's not like Tracy ever asked for my help. Yeah, it seemed like they're all set without you. She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment...

I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois!

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead.

Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass!

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible!

so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future.

your uppance will come! Mom, can I turn the heat up?

Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

(MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

Yes, Like the time he soiled himself at that dinner party. I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away. Yes. It spread through his body so fast. But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that--

All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you!

Stewie, what are you doing here?

Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs And in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm. That's right, Diane. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus,

Peter, are you feeling all right? Oh, he's fine. You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea.

Well, define "Chris." Peter, he's really upset right now. I mean, he cared about this girl a lot. Can't you see what you've done? I don't know, I mean, I thought I was helping. But you may be right.

Not about kicking your fat ass!

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight.

D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, sexy girlfriend.

(SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! (GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that? Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs?

Dad, I've had enough of you taking advantage of these people. For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess. You can't spare one square?

I found something that can. It's an instructional video on toilet training. Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider. And today we're going to learn to use the potty. Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank? I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve.

Daddy! Just as I thought! Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. Daddy, you're the embarrassment. Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run! PETER: And so they set off on their escape to the North.

Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain.

Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again. spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha!

Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours.

(ALL LAUGHING) Okay, when he wasn't looking, I stuck a springy snake in his wallet. What? (YELLS) And I switched out one of his eyeballs for a gag exploding eyeball. What? That's... (SCREAMS) And then I paid a couple of Mexicans to run over him with their car. I hope they don't just take the money and skip town.

Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland. We've been meeting people for the past three days. Well, you don't need to look for somebody new. I'll hang out with you guys. Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing?

Hi. (GIGGLING) Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Munch-a. (CHUCKLES) Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says, "Property of Stewie Griffin"? Uh...

This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.

No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form ofa hawk! - Come on, Peter. - Yeah, I'll be right behind you. Shape of Jayna's tampon. PETER: And now I play the waiting game.

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie? STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat.

(DOOR BELL RINGS) (ALL SHOUTING) Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul. What? You are not performing an exorcism on my baby.

I'm just a little seasick, that's all.

So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing. You're too stupid to do it alone. Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses. Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being on a frozen mountaintop!

I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here.

You should've told me...

I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'. Thank you. Hey, You and me gonna have a good time together! Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, you know, I mean, They're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but, wow! Oh, my God! See that guy? That's the most vicious killer I ever put away. His name's Steve Bellows.

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING)

How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this. And a pack of Eldorados, unfiltered.

Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay. What the hell kind of dog is that?

All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache? I guess sO. Question number 2. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? I--I don't know. Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

and this is all just a side effect from the chemo. Hey, What are you doing in my locker? Your locker? Say, Phil. What do you say to happy hour after work? I'd say it looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbors. Come on. I'm buying. Oh, yeah! Hey, man. Cool specs.

(GRUNTS) Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo! You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing!

Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN) (LAUGHING)

I sympathize with y'all. Donna makes me listen to Gayle King on XM Radio, 19 hours a day. I tried to kill myself by swallowing a nail clipper, but I passed it. What the hell happened to us? We used to be able to do whatever the hell we wanted. Now here we are, in the prime of our lives, and we're slaves to our women.

I--I mean, nickels and boobs. Money. I'll be upstairS. Peter, why are you so-- Get out! This is a part just for the men!

(SCREAMS) MALE VOICE: Dragon's Lair. Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago. Did you get the beans?

Really? They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players! All right, Mom! Are you gonna do it? I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I--I need a moment to think.

Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God!

Well played, worthy adversary. We're gaining on him. I'm coming, Rupert. I'm sorry, but I can go no further.

Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Look, I'm sorry, I can't have you in here punching the meat. I mean, there's really not too many things you can't do in here, but that is one of them. What about Paulie? He's having sex with the meat. Hey, Rock, I'm porking it. (CHUCKLES) That's a good one. Phew!

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass!

(ALL SCREAMING)

You mean diorama? Uh-oh. Hey, Lois, I got your pregnancy test. What the hell you need this for? I need it because I think I might be pregnant. What? My God, are you sure it's yours? Lois pregnant? I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship. But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald.

All that matters is that I love you. I love you too, Lois. Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right.

Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're okay. Oh, me too, Lois. That was some pretty rough stuff. Oh... You didn't cry, did you? Well, I mean, I went through an awful lot. Peter, if you cried, we are done. Great job, Peter. Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars,

What's in there? It feels cold. That place is strong with the dark side. But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead. I'm going in there anyway. (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!

All winter long The midway and the fun The Kewpie dolls we won The bell I rang to prove that I was strong

- Mosquito. - Bite. - Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit. I'm too self-conscious to do it. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

I can't believe Horace is dead. I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up. I'm gonna pee!

2 minutes to re-expansion. Dear God! I'll never get out of here in time! Move aside! I know a shortcut! MMm.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster!

You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss! Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.

Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car. Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING)

Oh, hi, Chris. How was school?

Brooke has narrowed her choice down to Quagmire and Brian. All that's left is for Brooke to meet their families. Hey, Brian, I can't wait to meet your family. Yeah, me, too. They're pretty great.

Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you.

We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper.

Look, whoever the killer is, they had a reason for wanting James Woods dead. Now who here has a motive? Well, according to James Woods, we all did.

Well, hello, sleepyhead. I'm Michael. Hi, Michael. I'm Meg. Meg! Oh, my God, Meg, you're okay! Oh, Meg, my beautiful daughter! Things are gonna be different. No more will I treat you like some kind of alien.

(LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know. I'm eating number two now. Eating for two, honey. I'll be back.

"I need a character. I need a backstory. "I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit.

I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole.

Oh, what happened to that kid? He fell off a stool trying to turn off Maury Povich. This is awful! Where's your teacher? Probably out back. Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you?

(SIGHING) You're right, Lois. Who the hell am I kidding? I can't live like this. I should never have come here. Oh, I hate to see Daddy like this. Maybe there's something you can do to help cheer him up. Don't worry, Lois. I know just what to do. I am gonna teach your father how to be a regular guy. You think you can do that?

From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer, comes a funky flick so bad you gonna say, "Damn, that's funky."

Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack. Big boom. No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins. No, no, no, no, no. You boom! Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom. Then I come back, be hero, virgins.

I hate those guys. Yeah, me, too. Come on. Let's head back down. At least the hard part's over. I'm not so sure about that. You might want to take a look at those storm clouds. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, my God.

(GASPS) Here they come. Kiss me.

And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

- Inbreeding? - Take a look! I started with one family of magic elves, and every year I needed more and more to keep up. Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind.

Welcome to the cool side of the pillow. You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland. Works every time.

Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap.

(KEYPAD BEEPING) Hello. American Airlines' magazine? Have I got a scoop for you. "Falcon stolen." Ew! There's a toenail in this. Guess I'll just go back to coughing. (COUGHING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC) So it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus. Would he succeed? Well, let's find out. Wait a minute, why the hell do you want to kill Santa? Because that fat bastard blew me off at the mall,

Hey, this ain't the way to the rendezvous point. We're not meeting up with the others. We're going to the Dagobah system.

I can't believe Carter would sacrifice millions of lives just to protect corporate profits.

And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free. (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire. Hey, let's have a drink with them.

And there I go I just fall in love again And when I do

Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today.

I'll admit it, I'm not great with that stuff sometimes. All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven?

Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

- Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up? And that's not even Kyle.

Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING)

Oh, yeah. Cry for Stewie.

I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something. We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year.

You know, I'm actually a relation of the Royal Family. You most certainly are not. Where would you get that idea? Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor. And I always heard me nana talk about how she took a duke. Must've been a difficult marriage, too, 'cause every afternoon she'd be bellyaching about her bloody duke. I think you just had a gross grandmother.

Two lemonades, Brian. Oh, yeah, I'll go make you a lemonade. I'll make you a fresh one. So, what brings you here? Well, I wanted to see if you could come over to my house tonight and run lines with me. Don't you usually do that with Randall? We kind of had a fight. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought maybe you and I could have a sleepover tonight.

This is my family. My wife, Lois. My son, Chris. Chris, stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie. And this is our human, Brian. Nice to meet you.

Whoah. You're like the Arnold Palmer of golf. Yeah, life is good. I'm 7 years old, and if I play my cards right, I've got another 7 years ahead of me. Hey, what ever happened to your lady friend? We decided to stay good friends. I found out that there are A Lot of different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was. So she dumped you, huh? Ah, The hell with her!

Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey. - You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah.

Good luck proving that, Brian. No, seriously, that number... Well, I'm gonna expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this. You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room. (AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death.

Your eggs are cut, sir. Cut my milk! I can't, sir. It's liquid. Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy for you! Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus. Yeah, Filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one.

Hey, Stewie, you up?

There's got to be at least a hundred clubs at your school. Well, I do have a friend at the school newspaper. Thatta girl! I got your first story right here. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go!

Hey, Limbaugh. I think you're a boneheaded, fascist, corporate-shilling blowhard.

STEWIE: Are you proud of yourself, that this is what you do? Is this a dime? Did you swallow a dime?

You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now,

Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin.

This is turning out worse than Stewie's iPod commercial. Peter, you just need to show what a good father you are.

Ok, Chris. Time for some good, old-fashioned exercise. like those guys are doing. I say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts, and lifting our huge triangular iron weights! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup!

It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world I say, fat man. Get me out of here. Oh, Stewie, there you are. Thank God.

Lois, I wish you hadn't gone through all this trouble. Are you kidding? I'm so excited. From the first time I read that script, I just knew it was gonna make it on TV. I could see it. Well, yeah, I mean, but the real victory is just having a show make it to TV. I mean, we almost don't even need to watch.

9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure. I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin. This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other!

It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before?

look him right in the eye, and he's butter. Ooh! What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I... Oh, Wait a minute. Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay.

TOM ON TV: Stay with us as the countdown to doomsday continues with just six more hours to go. The only thing that's nice about this is even though it's a Tuesday, it feels kind of like it's a Friday. Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word.

"when she let out a fart right near my face.

Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house.

Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday.

I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen. Butt out, schlomo.

I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

The moment that you speak I want to go and play hide-and-seek I want to go and bounce the moon Just like a big toy balloon

You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place. Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those?

Mmm, Delicious. I will seriously consider purchasing this product. Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm. ah, Sausage-san. Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies.

Yee, would your people really do this? Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?

You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night. What funny thing? You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car? Well, I don't know, man,

PETER: Michael was one of our brothers. He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a fat man. And now he's a dead man. And we're all next. The Fat Guy Strangler's gonna get us.

Now Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for "x." Math. ha! Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology. Hello, sir.

Bobby, loved you in Raging Bull. Hey, Jodie, how's the baby? All right. Hey, I need more cheese puffs, manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And Skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself. Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger?

Uh-oh. This is not good. We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

(SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week.

Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food. Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish. I really thought we were gonna lose him. It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin. Go ahead and check out with my intern, Anna.

Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness. This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances.

You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do?

No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth. You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. You really oughta think of your family's welfare. Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea!

Angela! Angela, wake up! What the... Griffin? Angela, what the hell are you doing trying to kill yourself? Why the hell did you pull me out of there?

Now, I thought earlier you said that both of your bunkmates were killed. Now you're saying only one of them was? But I just want you guys to know I barely even touched that penis at first. What? Come on, Dad. Whatev. Hey, why's it so hot in here? It's too hot in here. Wait a minute. An Ed Hardy T-shirt?

In Peter's Playhouse Peter-- W-w-Wait. Watch this. Hey, Jambi! Ok, say it. Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi-- God, I hate you so much. Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity.

He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been.

The solarium is at the far end of the west wing. Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy. And Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room.

Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) That was fun. We should hang out again sometime. Yeah, definitely. Well, good night. Night. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I thought you... I didn't think this was a date. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed! Hey, it's 10:30!

No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Now, That's Shatner. When I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup, sitting on that rock. He is the biggest dork on the planet. Oh, Totally. And so, Because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions? Meg?

If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Artoo?

(GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right?

And I think I got it. All right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces.

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.

All right. Let's go. Cool, man. Hey, Dad, look at these little bananas. Why, You smug little bastard! Peter! Chris, these are plantains. And there's nothing wrong with them. In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal-size bananas.

We made it! I don't believe it! We climbed Mount Everest! Isn't it amazing, Brian? You can see for...

Today we're going to learn about the letter "T." I've got something to say, Mother Maggie. You do? Well, maybe that can wait till later, Mary. No, I think this needs to come out now. You see, I didn't move to Jolly Farm from the big city to be around animals.

I'm small, so this is okay.

Good evening. I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for women everywhere. And also, the Jews. Good night.

This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter.

and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward. Um, okay. So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that?

You filthy, stinky prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.

Peter, we have to talk. We haven't had sex since your vasectomy. Yeah, I just don't feel like it, Lois, seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore. Honey, it was just a simple operation. It's no reason to give up on your sex life. I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things,

If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent? I guess we can try that-- Action! Come on, Lois. Those-- Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I--I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh!

Good morning, my American family. Peter, where did you get that suit? My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp. This is how a patriot dresses, Lois.

There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah.

Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be staying with us for a few days. That's right, kids. So just treat him like one of the family. You mean like Cousin Janine who we're polite to,

Until he seen his I bet you muthafuckas will too Because it's die muthafucka, die muthafucka still fool Do you have Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen? No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies.

I know how to do the snaps. There. I did it. Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out. (CHUCKLING) I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it? Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this? I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it. Okay, okay, I can do this. All right, lay down.

If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Zero. Zero... - One. - One. Four, zero, one.

He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks. Well, all in all, you should be thankful. I think the Kennedys had a kid like you, and they had it put to sleep. Hey, Peter, I'm sorry about that business with the ice cream. I guess I'm just still a little torn up about your mom. But, hey, I'll make it up to you. Let's play catch. Okay.

So, what makes these shampoos different from the ones at the supermarket? These shampoos have been in my car.

she's not allowed to be a lesbian.

Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage? - No, right? - No. Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian.

Yes, and I'll bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull! Now change me!

And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell." But they always say, "Just chain 'em up to a pipe." Idiots.

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled?

Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook. LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

I--i--I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples.

Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

He turned to me as if to say... Can you ever forgive me? It's going to take some time, Joe. Rest of your life okay? It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Ma'am, is this your bag? I don't know how that cocaine got in there. Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed weapon. I'm gonna have to place you under arrest. Oh, my goodness, how did that get in there? You're gonna have to come with us, ma'am. What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

(MUMBLING) Amazing grace How sweet the sound

- Just these old shorts. - Sweet Jesus. You know, Brian. I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap. Like this movie, Stimy Gruffin, The Untold Story. It's not a movie at all, Brian. Just three episodes, back to back.

Don't move. Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.

He's collecting Cleveland's mail while he's out of town. Black guy mail! Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I. And me, I find that hilarious. Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines. Grape Soda Today, Orange Soda Quarterly, The Fruit Punch Reader.

Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here. Yeah, it's a weekly regimen. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!

Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy. Heh, heh. All right! Uh, Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. We have An outsider who wishes to join our community. Welcome to my fair city! If you want to become a citizen, you have to get a job. Well, Before the disaster, I was a physician.

This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting.

(SCATTING) NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now back to the Fox News report with Rhonda Latimer. Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot. Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at.

Hey, it's me. Knock, knock. So, you got my money? Oh, yeah. I'll pay you soon. Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man.

Hmm? - There's something out there. - Where? Out there, in the cave! (LAUGHS) Crazy women, always hearing things. There's something out there. Let's go check it out. What's all this slime on the floor?

and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris? Now I do. Meg, what's wrong? I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and...

I'm sorry, sir. I'm not finding that site. What was the subject matter? Um, a guy doing chicks on a boat in a, uh, captain's hat. Okay, I'm checking. The, um... (CLEARS THROAT) The passengers had just signed up for a tour of the harbor and then all that stuff happened. Okay, you made your point.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure. (GASPS) (ALL GASPING) How was Cancun?

It's the door marked... (SPEAKING GERMAN) What the...

Brian here has stolen something very important from me. Give it to me, Brian. Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, but he won't release it because it's not profitable. So I stole it. Daddy, is this true? Yeah. So what? So I found the cure for cancer and didn't announce it. Big deal. I also took a dump today and didn't issue a press release.

Joe, you're exactly the kind of man we need at our company. Peter, make yourself useful. Go get Joe a drink.

Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine. Hello? Wh-Where is everybody? I'm--I'm the only brain cell left.

The administration 's plan for peace in the Middle East is shallow and pedantic. f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.

So take it from me, McGriffin, the Drug Dog. if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself. Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to... Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown.

All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42.

Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh! Morning theater fans! Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. What the hell is this? French toast.

We 're moving closer to the shore llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness

Over. ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation is brought to you by Sanka.

Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment. I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.

He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat. And that's why you like him so much. He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man."

BRIAN: There it is, Berlin. So, this is Berlin, huh? Doesn't seem so bad. Dear God, this place is nightmarish. Look at the offensive way they draw Jewish people.

Well, thank God that's over. Yeah. Hey, you want to go crap on the Statue of Liberty? you know, I've lived here my whole life, and I've never been there! I've never been to the Empire State Building. Boy, we're--we're a pair, aren't we? aren't we? Unbelievable. Let's go.

Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter! Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there. You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

Yes, Lord Vader, their shield will be down in moments. You may start your landing.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York.

Joe hates to fly 'cause they always put him underneath with the dogs. (ALL BARKING) Indonesia better be worth it. Okay. Bye, everyone. Kids, you mind your father while I'm gone. Love you. Bye, Mom. Bye! Oh, Peter, I almost forgot. Here's some money for groceries and a list of the kids' schedules. The fat man in charge for a week?

So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass. What the hell was I thinking? I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do?

Not since I got out of the car. Who here thinks they can kick my ass? Peter, you are not gonna ruin this seder. Now, get out of here! I'm sorry, kids. I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor. I guess I forgot what was really important. Peter, just go lie down. All right. I'm gonna go lie down.

No. I'm--I'm, I'm a working man myself. No. It's tough out there. Yeah. You know, you can't... You got to find a way. It's tough, it is. All right. Well, uh, can you stop this thing so we can get off? Uh, no. I mean, I-- I'd love to. Uh, but it--it stops at the predesignated stops. You know, I don't, I don't have control, you know, over that. Oh. That's the engineer who does that stuff. Well, how...

A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God.

Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911. MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that?

Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up.

Give me that! "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" Oh, I'll give you something to write about! Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya! Ahh! Ahh!

What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me. No more oppression! We as American adults with free will have the right to use marijuana if we choose to! Enough government profiteering under the guise of morality!

(PANTING) Are you okay? Yeah. I was so scared. Well, it sure would suck if you guys died without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler, who was Adolf's favorite brother. Hey, there you are. Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden?

(INAUDIBLE) All right. I have come up with a design for Red Heinie Monkey, the head of the Handiquacks. I want only positive feedback, please. Why does he have such a big red bum?

And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me. Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs? Aren't you a little over-dressed? Oh, well, I... Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's. There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and, well, i'm--I'm trying to nail the flautist.

Oh, no, I forgot to go to the bank. Uh, I'm a little short. I'll have to put the ham back.

And now it's time for sports. GrEAT, The whole world is laughing at me.

Look! This is the same knife that killed James Woods. Oh, my God! Then Muriel wasn't the killer. Well, then, who is? I don't know, but one thing's for sure. If we don't find out before this storm lets up, we're all gonna be dead by morning.

Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude

And as for you, Anna, you're dreadful and so is the program. I didn't write it. Yeah, but you know the people who do. That Alan Ball, you know him, right? Yeah. How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode.

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face,

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rodney King of Queens.

now. - Well, how'd you do? - I failed. - What? You failed? - Yup. Well, then what the hell are you smiling for? Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself. And I didn't cheat.

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman. GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning... but right now, I am exhausted.

Hello-- Hello, Death? Guess where I'm calling from? A planE! That's great. LisTen, those kids on board? Yeah. Uh, uh... A-About that, I-- I don't think I can go through with iT. Peter, listen, without death, the world would be a terrible place. Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive.

Peter, thanks a lot for havin' us out on your boat. No problem. Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual don't mind comin' in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos.

"I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. "Me, big American man." My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

There. You have earned that. (STUDENTS CHATTERING) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Just one more week. I will pay you double. Perhaps we can work out another arrangement. Oh, please, Senor. Not my beloved! Armando, Armando, it is for the children. (SOBBING) (WHIMPERING) Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this? I built it myself with supplies I got at the Home Supply downtown. Between you and me, I think Joe's got a little free time these days. I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months. Peter, you just whispered that to me. Shh. Here he is. Joe, what a great job you've done here.

I know. I'm so worried about him. I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him. - Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just.... You know, since Peter went blind... it's actually been kind of nice not to have to worry about my appearance. I see. Is it really noticeable?

Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes! We sold out! Yeah. The whole town's talking about your show, Dad! Your show? Peter, this is my show!

I promised myself I'd work that in. I might've jumped the gun. I didn't finish it. I'm so glad you're all right. Brian, how could you get us all worked up like that? Yeah, shame on you! Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. You are gonna get it when I drink. What the hell's going on? Last night, Carter was on his deathbed,

Momma has candy kisses!

No. What about your sweet crusty thing? No, you can have it. No more balloon for you. I am sick of you tooling around the village in that thing, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week. But, Father-- Go to your palace! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, yes. Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones.

Or we could... Could what? Eat him. (ALL GASP) Brian! Look, if we don't eat something soon, we're all gonna pass out from exhaustion and freeze to death just like him. Are we really considering this? We're talking about eating a person. Yeah, I'm not so sure about this.

Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart

Big Fat Paulie? Ah! My name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight.

(CLICKS) What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first.

Did I say you could rest yet?

MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation. Ellen, there 's moisture on the outside of m y glass.

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor.

Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Hey, you're not in uniform. Are you guys cops? Are you guys cops? They know we're not cops! (TIRES SQUEALING)

"Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her. "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop."

Never really wowed anyone at the office. Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy. Yes. You, too. And if you see Arnie, tell him: He'll know what it means.

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

Peter, no one's gonna want to breed with that horse. After tomorrow they will. I'm gonna enter him in the Quahog Derby and he's gonna win. I just know it. I got a sixth sense about these things. Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks!

I am deeply ashamed.

What do you think of that, Neil? Daddy bought you a girlfriend. Excuse me. If anybody is interested, I already have a girlfriend.

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Yee, would your people really do this? Try and stop them.

just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concerT. I'm gonna be on a cereal box.

Hello, I'm Stewie... I'm Karina. Can we get some quiet on the set? I'm trying to rehearse! MAN: Quiet on the set! Don't mind Randall. He's getting into character. Is he playing a dick?

We're from the further-further-further future.

I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now! Oh, my God! Is my father gonna be okay, Dr. House? He's in a coma, Mrs. Griffin, and listening to the sound of your voice, I'd say he's the lucky one. Oh, dear! I do hope there's something to be done.

My God, All these kids are looking at pornography! What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth? Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad. Oh, There's quite a crowd outside.

All right, new arrivals. There's only one way you're not getting on that train. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

And pretentious. Definitely pretentious.

Shh! Lois, Lois, look. Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

Am I ever. I've got a to-do list three pages long for him.

- There they are. - Hi, Mom. Hi, Grandma! Grandma! I missed you. So has the morgue.

I have way too much to do. It's okay, everyone will understand. No. I cannot get sick right now. There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower, and with this move, I just cannot get sick right now. I have to finish typing this... Typing this... (GROANS) That's it, I'm taking you home. (SNEEZING) You did this to me!

Oh, My God. Where's Stewie? He's around. Argh! Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon! Peter, that's sick! It's ok. He's outside the underwear. Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin. Thanks, Jim.

And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

I'll show you filthy! Yes, look at me!

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens?

oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right!

What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face?

Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

Thanks, Brian. Tell me why Sorry, that was the booze, not you. You gonna eat that?

Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

Aft torpedoes, fire!

You got lucky, Dad. So, Stewie, how's everything going in Legoland? Pretty good. I made a spaceship... Wait a minute. I'm not talking to you. Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room. It stinks in here.

On my 25th birthday, your father surprised me by showing up...

(MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then. Oh, no. Brian. That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller.

Terrible. I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot. (HARMONICA PLAYS BLUES RIFF) Peter, I'm serious. I ran right over the soft part of the face. I had to run away. I ditched the car and jumped on a passing train. (PLAYS TUNE)

This is taking forever! Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast Animals, Slow Children. Come on, guys. Wait up. oh, Dang. I got honey all over my legs.

In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High. That's right, Tom. It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse.

Hey, Carol. I almost didn't recognize you without my special sauce all over your face.

Freedom! Get ready to die! Huh? Hmm. I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

I thought you hated my guts. Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts. Well, then what the hell are we doing out here? I thought we were gonna kill him.

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING)

Hey, Meg. 18 yet? No. Hey, Chris, how are you? Well, I'm glad I-- All right! Brian, I feel a little guilty. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk. Hey, Joe, if I've learned anything from my experience, it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny. And That's why I'm leaving.

Between you and me I could honestly say That things can only get better And while I'm away

(LAUGHING) You're watching Hannah Montana?

What? Dad, you were the one driving!

Peter, are you crazy?

Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone. Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh! This guy is gonna be huge.

You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

It's Saturday night, I could be out having a life. Meg, if you don't want to baby-sit anymore. that's fine. But don't you stand there and lie to me. Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass. Why can't you just hire a real baby-sitter? Well, I guess we could do that. Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on BlindDate.

So, Peter, Lois tells me that you're working at the brewery. I think that's great. A real job. Trading futures, that's not real. But the money is unreal. Hey. To real jobs. That's it, Fishman. Shirts off. I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Pass the salad dressing.

(UNZIPPING) PETER: All right, here we go. Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean. Oh, boy, we got a problem here. All right, on the count of three.

Make him part of the show. You don't want him. He's not really a professional like me. Listen, you get that kid in here. We need more laughs on the show. (SIGHS) Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting. In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game,

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely.

I've been out of work too long. Well. I--I think you should find something you really enjoy doing.

Here, I brought you some of Peter's. Mr. T by Mr. T. T and Me by George Peppard. For the Last Time, I'm not Mr. T by Ving Rhames. Oh, Stewie, are you ok? Must we make small talk every time we pass?

Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

Coming up in this half hour, flies on your face: how many is too many? But first, that orange thing in the sky and what you can do to please it. You know, you shouldn't be poking around out here. White men have been spotted nearby, laying traps and forming slo-pitch softball leagues.

It's gonna rain!

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland.

Hmm. Oh, The Phillies won. You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister. Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What?

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

You told me you were gonna clean out those boxes in the basement and put them in the attic. Lois, it just sounds like busy work. It is busy work. I'm trying to keep you off the streets and off drugs. I'm selling those candy bars! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, hey, hey, you want to buy some candy bars so we can get some new uniforms for our baseball team? Where'd you get those candy bars?

Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

(CLATTERING) (GASPING) What was that? Hey, what the hell?

The keys are in the ignition. Let's go! (ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis. You say that about everybody.

To uh-oh those summer nights To uh-oh those summer nights Oh, well-a, well-a, well-a, uh Tell me more, tell me more Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way. No, no, it should be fine. But, listen, Brian, I'm gonna be bringing a Puerto Rican girl over here later.

Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, edited for goats. KHAN: Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive. Buried alive.

Did you say the tooth fairy comes here? To our house? She just breaks in like some hood? Yeah, she creeps into your house at night and comes into your room while you sleep. Oh, my God! And sometimes, just for the hell of it, she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair and places it gently on your tongue. Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here!

(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Meg, can you turn over? I gotta get that thing out of there. You're sitting on my shirt. I gotta put it on this hanger. Now, I'm going to Michael's house to force him to marry you.

So what can I do for you, Peter? Well, Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal. - Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test... and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded.

Okay, okay, I can do this.

Ok, I'm goin' out. Where are you going? To my, uh, garden club. It's 10:30 at night and you have a saddle. Well, it's a... I... What's this? What's this, Brian, huh?

So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

How'd it go? Looks like I totally screwed that up. No, you didn't. You made a vow that you were going to ask Ellen out, and you did. That took courage, my friend. Especially for a poor, timid sap like you. I'm proud of you. Thanks, Stewie.

Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ! Excellent, excellent!

No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh. - Can we leave it with someone, because... - No, no. Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty! (CLANKING)

I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. To what? To the poison you just drank. See what I mean? This is not normal!

Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake,

Hi, Meg. Bonnie, I'm so sorry I got you arrested. No, it's all right, Meg. Look, I was a teenage girl with a crush at one time myself. I know sometimes it makes you lose touch. Thanks for being so understanding. I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble. I mean, you're not gonna go to jail or anything, are you?

MAN: Tonight on Dateline, a woman murdered. Was it her ex-boyfriend? Yes, it was.

You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap. Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing. About anything. (SIGHS) Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse.

Sure, you don't now. But keep at it. You'll get the hang of it.

What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! Well, I think you should, Brian. She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide. Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian.

I didn't see him. (SCREAMING) (MEN LAUGHING)

Well. I--I think you should find something you really enjoy doing. Take those guys out there, for example. Where?

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

but this is my playground.

Hi, Chris. Hello, Peter.

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity. (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two Dear little buttercup Sweet little buttercup

(BOTH MOANING) (MEG SIGHS)

Excuse me, sir. My name is Peter. Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey. Listen, this may be hard for you to believe, but you're my father. Oh, am I now? Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you.

I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine! Mmm, Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say? Well, Aren't I the wicked one? Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting.

We've got to fight him over there by the swing set so we don't have to fight him here at the sandbox. Stewie? What's this? A letter of surrender. We did it. Whew! It's a good thing, too, because I really didn't have an exit strategy. Yay, Stewie! Oh, thank you, darling. I... What is this? Makeup?

It's a rule. Ah, Come on. Rules were made to be broken. Aah! Here, let me show you the turbo booster.

Wow! So How do you do it? Oh, You're very nice to ask. Well, First I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it. So I jerk them around a little. They fight for a while. And--And then they just lay back and accept it. How about we get together later? Um, Ok. What the hell? Oh, Damn it!

Stewie, there you are. Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here. No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started! No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses. Look, there's my face.

(ALL CLAMORING) Boy, they're really against socialism. That's right. The Tea Party is all about self-reliance. Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love.

Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet! How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter!

but how do you know what to believe? Well, here are a few tips that may help you tell when you've got a gay. So, uh, what's your favorite Madonna album? I like her early work. MAN: If his answer is anything but "I've never bought one," you've got a gay. Let's take a blood sample, Mr. Braga.

You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay.

Peter? You're still not friends with that idiot after what he did? Well, I mean, that may be a little harsh. I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.

Oh, bloody hell! All right, time for Plan B. Let's go!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian.

Well, uh, I can't just... You're--You're my best friend's wife. Reach into... All right! Yeah, you go in and get that. Show that fishy who's boss.

Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode. ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?

I said I want to know whose cup this is! Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage."

Which means 20 billion people were offended by this. Needless to say, something must be done. Perhaps we should ask the chairman. Good idea. Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident. You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders.

MAN: Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on The Family Man! - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? CAROL: What? MAN: I forget. And besides, Brian, the evidence is all right in front of your nose. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father. (IN DEEP VOICE) Punky...

(SCREAMS) (COUGHING)

(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you.

I'm gonna eat that foot. (LAUGHING) Give me that foot, it looks delicious. Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God.

Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

So, then the valet pulls up. and I'm all, "That is so not my car." but then it totally was. - That's happened to me. - Me, too. Cars go fast. Oh, God, yeah, I'll tell you, ifl had a nickel for every time that happened. - Yeah? - What?

It's time to give you a proper German funeral.

Oh, You would bring that up. Can't you leave the past where it belongs? Peter, What's wrong with you? BEcausE I've already explained that to you!

He's a family guy What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle!

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

Oh, No, I just always feel badly when we have to be strict. Oh, Did I remember to turn the stove off? Yes. I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Peter.

Well, on your mark, get set, terrible. (LAUGHS) No, no, but I understand that this is bad.

Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.

That's for the fan to decide. Yay! (EXCLAIMS) Huh. That was kind of cool.

This sucks. Lois' friend "yacht boy" and his lovely wife Caca invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to embarrass her again. You gotta help me. Teach me how to be a gentlemAN.

Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice. Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me.

I don't care what you think of me!

Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out. (RETCHING) Whoa! When did Reese Witherspoon get here? (GASPS) (SQUEALS)

Oh, my, that's surprising. I've heard he has quite the blue-blood pedigree. You know, he got a piece of Jackie Kennedy before she was defiled by that hairy olive-eater. Yeah, and he once made me a grilled cheese sandwich after this. Well, I wasn't sure about Pewterschmidt, but after hearing you gentlemen talk, maybe I could give him another chance.

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine? We did it! We're home! Everything's fine!

- Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie. Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just... (BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash!

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

I'm cold. Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw-- Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do?

Peter, I'm home!

I'll throw away my striped tie And my best-pressed tweed

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy?

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh! ahhh!

Oh, Stewie, there you are. Thank God. Why are you dressed like Rerun? (ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey!

Peter, you did it. What the hell?

I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming.

tr, 21, 18, 7, 42. Oh, my God! I won! I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free! As she coming back? " don't know.

Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? Just one! You!

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere

What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something? Picking on the new kid, huh? Well, at least my parents didn't name me Gaymar! (LAUGHING) Wow, I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual. And by laughing at other people's sexuality, somehow I feel better about my own.

But I miss you. Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too. You know, living in that family, we both have pretty crappy lives. And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other. We're all we have. I know. I'll never do anything like that again. Do you think you can ever forgive me? Yeah, I forgive you.

Hello there, sexy. Hey, do you mind? We were having a conversation.

Oh, I am very proud of you. My God! A TV pilot. Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler did after he wrote Mein Kampf. Well, we read it and we don't like it. (SIGHS) We love it! (BOTH LAUGHING) You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg!

Boy, great party, huh, Fred? Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day, and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop.

I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch each and every day Chocolate cake a la Blake

Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Oh, you look beautiful, and he's a handsome fellow, ain't he? PETER: Well, I am ready for my evening. Oh, my God! Peter, what the hell? Peter, what are you doing? PETER: Surely, Jerome, you don't want to stay in the same house as a ghost who carries a torch around? (IMITATING A GHOST) Fire ghost! You scared yet?

so we got a little welcome-to-the-family present for you. Your husband's work and poker game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there, too, but I don't mind if you don't. Uh. Thanks. By the way, Meg, I forgot to tell you, your grandfather needs you to pick him up at the airport.

I'll heat up his soup. And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. Nope. Now, now. The doctor says I'm gonna make a full recovery. The important thing is, you learned your lesson. I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. " feel like such a bastard. Me, too.

Your show? Peter, this is my show! What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out, and we did. I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful, and you've completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit! Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except,

Derek and Jillian?

Ugh! Oof! Ahh! Ahh!

He rocks in the treetop all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song All the little birds on Jaybird Street

I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie? I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner.

Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy.

Hey, can you reach the Crispix? Yes, I can. How awesome is this? Going out to dinner with my new family. Hi, can I help you? I want... I want that one. All right, hold on, we'll get you that one. I want straws. We'll get you a straw. You want a kid's meal? No. - Do you mean "yes"? - Yes.

Uh, Do you mind? As a matter of fact I do, you crazy broad. I am not a crazy broad!

Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed. Oh, my God! Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel? Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I got to figure you're in there. How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk. Peter, this all looks very expensive. Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive.

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so.

Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. (BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we? Hi. He'll be right back. He's in the bathroom. Thanks for having me, Bonnie. I just needed someone to talk to. Sure, Lois. What's on your mind? Well, it's kind of a long story. You see...

The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed. Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it. Oh.

Hot towel? Yes, thank you. Well, Come on! Ugh! What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover.

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already. Eww! Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again! No!

Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer!

God, I hate being handicapped. Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union. And what exactly are your demands?

Well, I hope so.

Fly Fly (LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title.

Yeah, I'll go. I shall go, too. Great. I'll see you guys tonight. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. Oh, that is such bullcrap.

Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment!

That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us.

Oh, why did you stop? Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something. When you're in the shower at the "Y," is-is that just like Supermarket Sweep for you guys, or is there some kind of etiquette? Peter, stop it. God! You're more clueless than Popeye. Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms,

I want to rock and roll all night and have a wonderful time Is that it? Oh, No, no. It's, uh, And something, something all day Right?

(CONTINUES GIGGLING)

Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter. Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short. Oh, my God. He is short.

I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk,

you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour!

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

I was the human resources director for the Muppets. Mr. Beaker, it is my unfortunate task to inform you that your services will no longer be required by this company. (MEEPING) Well, if you must know, it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please.

Dude, the Bronze Age was so much cooler than the Iron Age. Dude, Dude, the Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day of the week. Could not. Could, too. Could not! Ugh! Ew, Gross, man.

He 's a family guy

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches.

the perfect hand for masturbating, and you blew it!

Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin.

Gee, Lois. Can you--Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s?

(SCREAMS) (STRAINING) (GRUNTS) (ECHOING) All right, I got 'em! Pull me up! (ALL STRAINING)

I tell you, Peter, I wish I'd taken this up years ago. Yeah, You know, my great, great, great uncle Angus Griffin invented the game. So we're all clear on the rules then? No Jews and no blacks. Aye! Whoah. You're like the Arnold Palmer of golf.

- Yeah? - Hey, can you grab me another beer? Yeah. Anything else? Maybe, you know, TV Guide, you know, another pillow for your feet or something? No. Actually, you know what? Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and, you know, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could. - (STUTTERING) Try to keep the saltwater... - Yeah. We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult.

A little on the nose. ...or screaming.

Okay, look, I'm happy to do that. (STUTTERING) I'm just... I'm just... Look, what I was saying... Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

Bender heard it from Al Harrington,

This is a message to all American infidels. Prepare to die in a sea of holy fire. You will be punished for your decadent ways on the first day of Radaman.

Bon Jovi, everyone. Now I remember why I left Newport! It changes people. You kids have lost your values. You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends.

(BOTH YELLING) Get over here! I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna... Come back here! All right, that's enough, you two. This is serious. Stop it. (YELLING CONTINUES) Quick, Quagmire, give me your iPod. (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN: I swear to God!

Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard I'm gonna carry you off into the sunset on a white horse. It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur. Isn't she a bit of terrific?

(STEWIE SCREAMING) Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party.

Peter, what are you doing?

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house!

And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America. You will not convince me. America must pay for its sins. (VAN DOOR OPENS) Hold it right there. (GRUNTS)

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing?

Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

But what about the terrorists? (ALL GASP) That's right. Terrorists. We have intelligence that suggests that Hitler is plotting with... With the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus.

Way to think on your feet, Brian. Well, we got lucky. How you holding up, Stewie? Um... I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this. Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo,

I don't collect until the end of the month. I'll see you tomorrow. Weird. I hope you like it.

Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away?

(LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it. Dad, I think Mom's right. Maybe you should go back to that doctor. Well, now wait a minute, Meg. Let's not be too hasty. These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient? Spugizakom. Ew!

(ACCORDION PLAYING)

Hey, What's up, Pete? Long time no see. Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you.

Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.

You know what? I will have some of that. - What the hell is this? - Creamed corn. I brought it from home, because I don't like the creamed corn they have here. It's too crunchy.

(EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Hey, listen, Lois. You know, I know your head must be turned upside down by this whole Peter thing. So, you know, if there's anything you wanna talk about... Oh, don't worry, Brian. I'll admit this is an emotional time for me but you and I are married and that's the way it's gonna stay.

Here comes Scott! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Well, gentlemen, now that you have smelled all of our colognes, what'll it be? I will take some Drakkar Noir. (BEEPS) How about you? I am disgusting, so I will take two bottle Drakkar Noir. (BEEPS) How about you, chief?

in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.

The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared. Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it.

My birthmark makes it kind of tough. Always caused me problems at my old job. And that'll do it for us here at Channel 12 News. Make sure you turn those clocks ahead. Good night, St. Louis. Yeah, I don't know, I was never that crazy about the moustache. Well, I suppose I could lose it and just use more makeup. Yeah, that'd be cool.

Yep, I'm working extra hard so you'll promote me. Well, based on your track record, you'll understand if I have trouble believing you. Believe it, Angela. I hate being just a cog around here. Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I mean, "Leslie" or something like that would be nice. Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this, Watch this. Hey? Uh? Look, see that? see that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Ok? Ok?

Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's. There have been many great Griffins throughout history, including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt. All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, but I will lead you to freedom. Now, Jews, ho!

How are things in Terriblehood? Terrible, sir. Good, good.

As she coming back? " don't know. I can't believe Ms. Clifton's gone. Who's gonna teach my class now?

What's for dinner? Play-Doh spaghetti. - Oh! - What? No. No, it's nothing. Just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night. (GRUMBLING) And that's all we had last night.

I'm not gonna be able to play. Loretta's mother is in town, and we have to go buy new sheets for the dog bed. Cleveland! I mean, the pullout sofa bed. Cleveland, This is Barrington. You could be the first black guy ever to play this course. People are gonna be impressed. Hey, a black guy! Ooh, Fun! Come on, Cleveland.

I say, I think this is how you change a tire. But what do I know? I'm just a baby! Here's your iPod, so you can listen to The Streaks while you gasp for air. The Strokes. Right.

There is another Skywalker. Okay, see you. Master Yoda, no!

Hold on a second. I'm trying... Hold on a sec. Hey, pal, stop talking while I'm talking, all right? You want a sandwich full of knuckles? Do you? All right, that's it. Cleveland, you take Cleveland. Joe, you take Joe. Quagmire, you take Quagmire, and I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth.

That's the last of 'em!

You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us. Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.

No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots. Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache? That was Roy, he's hilarious. Was this a cartoon? No... Oh, my God! No! No! It took place in an airport! The thing was on for 10 years! And the funny repair guy was Lowell. It made Tony Shalhoub's career! - Who? - The tennis player?

This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up!

Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub.

Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire. Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah. You're 61 years old? Uh, yes, sir. What's your secret? Uh, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get them into my body somehow.

In Canadian nudie bars Wow, that sounds amazing. It is. And the best thing about Montreal strip clubs is you're never the most pathetic guy in the bar. If you weigh 300 pounds, they'll hire a guy to sit next to you who weighs 350 pounds. And if you're a paraplegic? They'll have a quadriplegic.

I got blisters on me fingers!

Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off.

(CHEERING LOUDLY)

Did Peter leave? Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this. I know. I'm so worried about him. I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him. - Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just....

(BOTH LAUGHING) (KICKING) Road House. Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House.

Peter, look out! Holy crap!

Actor. You... Tony? You... Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time.

Thanks, professor. You've been living a lie all these years.

He's a family guy

Well, this is a nice apartment you have. Is this your dog? Yes. Isn't he the cutest little cutie-wutie? Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face!

I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts. f got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (HUMMING JAWS THEME) Oh, now wait a minute. f did ha ve a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy.

how long after her message is the beep? Wow. This has just been a delight. You can't go yet. We haven't had dessert. Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like?

"Love bears all things, believes all things... (GIGGLING) "...hopes all things, endures all things. "Love never ends. Love never fails." Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8. Thank you. That was beautiful.

(YELLS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, you bastard! You should've seen your face.

Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)

(SCATTING) Cool!

So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down.

Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?

(CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

Please, sir. I want some more. More? All right! Stop it! Stop it right there! Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on! That's it. Now put on this dress. Put it on! Now dance!

(BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Hey, what, are you guys all on a date? Gay!

But I think a real number might be more effective. All in favor of fining this evil tobacco giant $100 million, say "AyE"! Aye! But that'll bankrupt us! Oh, You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America? Thanks for that zinger, boys.

Dad? (PETER WHINING) Dad? Dad? (PETER WHINING)

If it wasn't for you, those planes would've hit the World Trade Center. Brian, what the hell did you do?

now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful. Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.

Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal.

I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab. Okay, Doc, we got to have a talk at some point, but Brian, are... Are you... Are you sure about this?

Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.

Look, Ezekiel, we would love to go back to the city, believe me. I haven't had a drink in three days. But our car broke down. We can't go anywhere until it gets fixed. I have arranged to have that taken care of.

Almost as much as I hated my overly sensitive car alarm.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Sea water, courtesy of that gentleman over there.

If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh!

I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you. I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done. You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket.

My life. That's what's wrong.

I don't care what she says. I'm never going back!

Hit me. Aw, You're just mad about the car.

oh, My God! Oh, That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life! Ahh! That totally sucked. You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers!

I got news for you. The News of the World!

Good mustache. ALL: Good mustache.

Peter, open the door, and break out the schnapps! Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend? Mom? Oh, my God, no! Quick, everyone! Into the pod!

Wow. How come I never met him? He was a kamikaze pilot. Yeah, no, I heard you, he was a Karma Chameleon, but how come I never met him? Because he died, Peter. Oh, my God, when? And how?

Now give that back to Mommy. Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can.

good-bye good-bye good-bye

Hey, she is a handsome woman.

So, I got some crystal meth. I figured we could do it together, as father and son.

For example, here's what happened when we fertilized an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt. Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough. I got more funny ones. I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix.

Hi. How's it going? Oh, God. I know karate! Look! A tasty little baby! I see somebody's been neutered.

No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here.

(LAUGHING) I'm just joking.

Where is Cindi?

About 40 years ago, I was vacationing in Ireland and I met a young rogue named Mickey McFinnegan. Peter, Mickey is your real father. Oh, my God. I got to find him. To Ireland.

Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire.

some nights around sunset, the screaming black dolphins come out. Oh, wow! Really? I've heard they're just beautiful. (IN AFRO-AMERICAN ACCENT) What's going on, man? Oh, what's going on yourself? (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) - I almost drowned yesterday. Oh, man! It's wet out here. Oh, look at them. They're magical, aren't they?

What is your tax plan?

and we want you to become a member. - Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent. You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet. You'll be kept as healthy as a horse. So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it?

Now I can always have the last word. Like that ground-control guy during the moon landing. NEIL: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Wheeler? No, Walker. Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right. It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants!

Aw, crap! We're dead! I guess this is the end, boys. Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in Heaven! Peter, Nigel confessed! You're free! You hear that, guys? We're free! Freedom!

I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now. don't you? Ok, if you want to be dirty, be dirty. Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned! Ah! There you go, kiddo. All clean. Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic!

Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois.

That's it. The belt is coming off. All right, son. Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. Right? 'Cause "hurt locker" means some kind of war hero thing, or something. Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is. But... Well, wait, I...

What makes a good terrorist organization? Brand recognition. Brand recognition.

(CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl! It's Enrico Palazzo! No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals! Get him! (ALL CLAMORING)

And by that, I mean I'll fix your sink. And by sink I mean your reproductive organ. And by reproductive organ, I mean the thing between your knees. And by the thing between your knees, I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. aah!

Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks! It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig. - Three tracks! - Come on! - We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but... That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track! There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad.

There's no way.... Wait, what? You ready to go, honey?

Go! Go! My God!

Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy!

The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

So, we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer. Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire. By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop. Yeah. You know, our youngest has been accepted to Northfield Mount Hermon. Oh, gosh, is Lauren in high school already? Yeah. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to middle age.

Oh, yeah. Now, that's a job. Fresh sea air, working outside. That's how a real New England man makes a living. Well, Maybe that's something to think about, Peter. What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist--

How is Carol? Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois. Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now.

I just need to catch my breath. I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy. I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing.

Yeah. Same here.

Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no.

Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on! Go for a ride in the car?

Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids?

Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

All right, let's go to the bank.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Thelma. Hello, darling. My God, what a pleasant surprise. Mom, what are you doing here? Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second.

He's a family guy Hey, everyone. You'll never guess who I ran into at the market just now. Your hairdresser who's almost dead from cancer? Ross Fishman. Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis?

It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off?

Weird! All right, a bike! I'm out of here!

No words... sh-Should have sent a poet. There's enough food to last us forever! Peter, we're saved! You were right. We can settle down here and build a house, just like we had in quahog. Yeah! And We can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out! And 2 Denny's, so we can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one."

Even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson. Hey, Charles Bronson's wife. Scooch over. I want to cuddle.

Just like in the movies! Hmm... Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club. You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. I got A carton of cigarettes. old man grabbed me, said, "Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're grrreat!"

It's a snow job By Obama and his crew But aren't all his findings Backed by science? Careful, Lois, now you're sounding like a Jew We dream of Republicantown

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, yeah. (SCREAMS) Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself. Look at me sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet. I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.

Hey, Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.

Excuse me, Principal Shepherd,

All right. All right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster." That's the spirit. - You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine.

Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God! This--This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face.

(BABY CRYING) Ah! Every plane, every plane,

I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding. (LAUGHING) Well, Chris, here we are.

LOIS: Oh, I'm on fire. PETER: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. LOIS: Take me, you filthy bastard. PETER: (MOANING) Yeah. LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth.

Carter, you work too much as it is. You're not a young man anymore. You need to slow down. Slow down? I can't slow down. I'm running a six-billion-dollar company. If I slow down, the company goes under.

Oh, wow. Really? All right, go for it! Come on. Let's go.

Oh. Go away. Go away, you. So, Ben, do you go to James Woods High? (SCOFFS) No. I'm a junior at The Meadows. It's a private school. Oh, do they do it so right at The Meadows.

we're all gonna be dead by morning.

At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian, and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged. That's how this weekend came to pass. Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless.

Then this is the camp I choose. Yay! I get to go to Space Camp! Thanks, Mom and Dad. You guys are the best parents ever! Would you excuse me a moment? These are mine now. Hey! Oh, honey, when we accepted those mugs, we knew this could happen.

(WHISTLES) "Hey, baby, I'm not gay!" "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break! ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed.

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?

Come on, Luke, join the dark side. It's really cool. Well, who's in it? Me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome. And James Caan. I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass. I'll never join the dark side. Never!

We used to be, Peter. Now, scram. Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar. Not at my bar, you won't. Get out of here.

Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do?

Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus."

(PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN)

Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here. Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!

Sa turda y Night Live. I can't think of anything more exciting. Oh, my God, a water fountain!

But it wasn't a rock it was a rock lobster

Excuse me, that's my seat. We'll talk about this at home.

Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

Well, if you qualify as a genius... the Foundation will give you a $500r000 grant... just to sit around and do whatever you want. Wow! Imagine what a genius like me could do with all that money. All right, Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these beanbags. I don't know how to juggle-- God help you, Cloris! Juggle the beanbags!

I got a new dress. Try talking about him. So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? You first. I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listening to that stuff.

You know, Peter, my buddies and I have been looking for a new hangout. Our usual donut shop has gotten a little Puerto Ricany. What if we made your place our new spot? Joe, that's a great idea. Fantastic. We'll see you tonight. This is awesome. Bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant?

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns. Freeze. Is that... Is that a banana? Don't worry about what it is. I'm still a cop. Whoa, hold on. All right, just take it easy. This can go a couple of ways.

Last week, all my gadgets were "hooey," I think was the word.

You're gross. You're a gross guy.

Hey, Horace, another round for everybody. (ALL CHEERING) Gosh, Peter, you're really being generous with your money. Hey, what's the point of being rich if you can't share it with your pals, huh? Okay, wait, I got one. Who would you rather do? Susan Boyle or a sex doll that's been passed around a fraternity?

What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard?

Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck!

No, I mean, I think I wanna go back to my old school. My family's working so hard to pay my tuition here, and I feel bad. Is there any way you can get me back into James Woods High? Well, I suppose I could pull some strings, if that's really what you want, Chris. It is. All right, consider it done. Thanks, Grandpa.

Good. Our first catch of the day. Hey, go wait in the AT-AT. Now listen, since your mom's out of town and I have you for the weekend, I thought it would be fun if the Emperor and I turned you over to the dark side of the Force. Daddy, if I may, I'd like to throw out another option. I sense the good in you.

He's a family guy Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come.

Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home. Wait! Take me with you. What do you mean? You can't go back to our universe.

Look, we should be sticking to the facts, not stereotypes. It's unfair to say that all politicians are liars, therefore Mayor West is guilty. Brian's right.

Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time. How is this even possible?

Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian.

Chair. Try again. Big chair. No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair. Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it. - Say what? - Say "pass." Chair. (BUZZER SOUNDING) I'm sorry, your time is up, and you didn't score enough points.

What do you think of that? Chevy? Right? That would have passed for funny in one of your movies, right? Okay, moving on. Gentlemen, let me put your minds at ease. I know why you are here, and I mean to help you. (LAUGHING) Well, terrific.

Aw, That's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn. You taped over our wedding video? Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff.

Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt Light a fire and pee it out Don't like it, kiss my rump Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP

Dad, I'm scared.

Hey, this is not a barn, young lady. I'm just so exhausted. You know, I thought I'd be happy being with Neil, but I'm not. This is horrible. Sweetheart, we'll figure some way to get you out of this. Nope, it's airtight.

37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do?

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

Oh, God, it's so hot. Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum. How will that cool you off? God, it's awful in here. This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat. Joanie, it's me.

(ALL LAUGHING) There he is! Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff. (ALL LAUGHING) Seriously, stop it! Okay, did everyone else feel that?

I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.

Unless you're going to pull a sundae out of your belly button, I'd get your ass in the fucking kitchen. Oh, boy. My dogs are mooing today. No, no, no, no, no, no. What's the matter? Did I say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"? Did you hear me say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"?

You're gay. Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.

Um... I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it? Oh, aren't you adorable!

- Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail! H-hello. Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were telling me about. I'll show 'em a good time and get 'em to come around to our side.

Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho! Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin.

You know what that means. STEWIE: You spent the last 10 minutes parked in front of the house, crying in your car? Not now, Peter. I'm doing story time with Stewie. STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can.

So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on--

Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.

You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation, which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING)

(HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

My sister Regina-D2 lives here. Is she single? She's a lez-bot. How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us.

Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now. Really? Wow! Hey, So I guess this honeymoon was just the kind of excitement our marriage needed. Huh? I guess it just goes to show that you--

Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain! Thanks Ollie. And Finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. Trisha? Thanks, Tom. Sir, for those viewers who aren't familiar with the tradition,

My tulips! You dick. Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth? Do you like Coldplay?

He's right. I can do it! (BUZZER SOUNDING) ANNOUNCER: We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now,

What a rip-off. I should sue her. Be careful you're not held in contempt of cat! Ha!

Uh-oh. And why they shouldn't be having it. That is boss. Hey, you kids like MADtv? Well, we've got something almost as good. Here they are, the Opal Ring Players. Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie. Yeah, Matthew, that pizza pie was delicious. Hey, watch out, crazy driver.

Naked plastic chicks.

(COUGHING) What's the matter?

Okay, Mark Burnett, you did Survivor and The Apprentice. Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiveable things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money? I got some ideas. Here's a nickel, pull down your pants. There's a show. Yeah-ha! Go. All right, now, who's gonna make a show about horrible New Jersey freaks?

Now, Miss O'Keefe, the flowers in your paintings, what do they represent? Oh! Wow, that's a really good question. (MUTTERING) Hmm... (MUTTERING) (BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Those are Santa gifts, Brian. You know, you have to... What are you doing? Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantel? What? They left it out for Santa. We're Santa. Yeah, but you're not supposed to eat all of it. You take a bite and a sip of milk. That's how the kids know Santa was here! Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... I'm telling you how it's done.

His story was gay. You're gay. Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.

What am I supposed... You ready in there? Yeah. (MAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) You put some fake poo on the floor... Oh, no! Get out! Get out! Scat!

(CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy.

I'm going to work!

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times. Hey, uh, Hey, Leif. It's been a while. Too long, man.

Because it's so exposed 'cause I'm cheering. Yeah, Thursday night! Your big mouth just got you in trouble. I lose. Peter one, you zero. Oh, I lose again. Peter two, you zero. You've been practicing. ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) We now return to the end of a depressing 1970s sci-fi movie, starring a guy in a turtleneck.

And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriages next week. While controversial, it has nonetheless effectively distracted all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco. The what? I don't know. Something about a lizard. And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. Really? I don't know. I'm just bored.

Mary Magdalene. And who was she? A prostitute.

(GROANS) More fan mail. Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us. We're gonna be huge. Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents.

Yeah. He's over there with Saddam. And then Jerry guessed that her name was "Mulva." That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends. You know, the way we just hang out, before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this. Well, I can't do it, but you know.

Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang! (PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Just for the record, I was at the hospital for a brief moment.

Scooter, how come we've never met you before?

Man, I'm telling you, this party is on the hook, man. You said it, friend. Don't let me near cassette player, or I will be disc jockey all night. Where is the alcoholic? I will guzzle four hectoliters, and that will very quickly get me to the buzzers. You're crazy. Your head is on sidewards, man. Peter, you left your family for this?

And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt. (KNOCKING) Tom Tucker? What are you doing here?

Oh, my God, don't drink the water. I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila. Mexico! Mexico!

"Of suns and worlds I nothing had to say "I see mankind's self-torturing pains" no, no, No! You're doing it wrong! When you read Faust you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in A scary voice like this! Is that the way your Mommy reads iT?

Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

All right, Peter, have a good business trip. Taxi!

I faked all my orgasms.

Aw, damn it! It's just a dolphin. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Sorry, did I get in the way of something? No, it's all right. We were just trying to get some of them sunken Mercedes. Oh, yeah, there's a great big pile of them down there.

Look, I just wanna go home and spend the next 3 days in solitary confinement where I belong!

And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty.

You know, i've--I've licked my share of peanut butter.

even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2. I--I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. Hi. Welcome to-- Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here.

- Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING)

Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No--

This is unbelievable!

BRIAN: Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. BRIAN: I don't work here. Then I'll have you killed. BRIAN: I want to die. I hated that guy back there.

Luke doesn't do drugs! Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again! I can't find the sweater. How the hell did you even meet him? We had a pen-pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other. Well, it stops now! But, Mom, I love him! It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg.

Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What?

You see that coffee you're drinking? I have, without your knowledge, added a large amount of PCP to one of those cups of coffee. I won't say which one, but in a few moments, one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck.

MAN ON TV: Coming up next, Charles in Charge. Oh, my God! I want to watch this, but I got stupid dialysis at 3:00.

Thanks, but no thanks, Coach. I've lived my dream. And besides, my life is here with my family. But, mom, what's Dad gonna do for a job? Oh, It'll be ok, Chris. Remember that episode of The Honeymooners When Ralph lost his job but at the end of the show he didn't get it back? Oh, yeah. What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of Me.

Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.

Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion? Quick, everyone get in the attic.

Well, that's a no-brainer. Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)

Well, I mean, I went through an awful lot. Peter, if you cried, we are done.

(PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911!

It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. Monkey in the closet.

Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10? Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire. Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to see my ex-husbands?

Ah! Oh, my eyes! Could you please turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus!

There you go. My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache. My tooth hurts!

We'll be closing in 2 minutes. Oh, I could never choose.

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What?

Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go. But we're cool, right?

Well, maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in the next room will refresh your memory. What do you mean? There's nothing in the next room. (GASPS) It's gone! Where is she, Woods? What'd you do with the body? What body? You know, maybe she wasn't dead.

Now, if you want to go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody!

(CROWD CHEERING) The days of despair and hardship are over!

I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

- Hello. - That's not funny!

But frankly, I don't give a shit.

- Bye, Mom. - Bye! All right, kids. Have a good day at school.

The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined. CLEVE: He's nasty.

Obsession, Calvin Klein. Drink this, honey. It'll bring your fever down. I'm gonna go run you a cool bath. She's one of them! I'm sure of it! Now tell me what they injected me with! Huh! You know Mr. T always wanted to be a Broadway dancer?

Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

Oh, thank you, everybody. I know it's a little self-centered, but this is my favorite day of the year. Here, Mom, this is from me and Meg. Topol? The smoker's tooth polish? Take the hint. Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Lois' friend "yacht boy" and his lovely wife Caca invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon.

And Brian... you look very handsome. Showtime! Welcome to the quahog Dog Show.

And K.I.S.S. is coming to the Northeast. That--That means... Um, That means-- No, no, Lois! Don't help me! It means we can do something. Come on, Peter. You're almost there. We can go to K.I.S.S.-Stock!

It's like blue, kind of blue-green. It's the same color as his eyes. Wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it. I heard he bought it from his dad. Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it... one time when he was a freshman. undefinedDoesn't his dad live in Hartford? " think so. My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground.

And it should be easy for you because, I mean, what luck, you're white! You have no idea how big that is here. Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. (SIGHING) Look at him go.

Take that, wisecracking meatball surgeon!

What's with you, logan? You look like hell. Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants. I don't want to meet the man who looks good after that. Go! Go!

Well, citizen, that's an excellent question and I thank you for it. I think it's great we live in a town where you can ask questions, because without questions, we'd just have answers. And an answer without a question is a statement. Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye!

Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior.

(GROANS) Hello, Griffin. Mr. Pewterschmidt? Hey, how you been? Not good. I'm sorry to hear that. Wow! A limo, huh? Hey, are these Diet Rites just to take?

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

Camera 2. Sorry, I overslept. Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast?

Great. I'll see you guys tonight. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you?

(CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.

Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-Iard"? Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy.

Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

Well, the court ain't here, is it?

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Yeah. Yeah, that's my boyfriend. Well, I'm happy for Meg. Why, because she finally has somebody? No, because she finally has some lines. (BOTH LAUGHING) - You know you're my closest friend. Really? Yeah, we can't be more than six inches apart.

Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing. Oh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl.

Eh. Clash of the Titans' owl was worse.

I'd just like to return this VHS copy of Pete's Dragon. Watched, enjoyed and rewound. Uh, there are a lot of people waiting. Is there anything else? Uh, yes. Do you have a garbage can back there? I have the backings to some Fruit Roll-Ups I need to discard. I'm sorry. That's for library trash only. I understand. That's okay.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening.

Hey, buddy! Over here! I see a woman's hand and forearm at table eight! Damn it, Peter! Please, Lois! Come on, you got to fight her! - It's gonna be great! - Come on, Lois! Get in there! - Come on! - Take her down! It'll be awesome! I'd really like to see that. (SIGHS) All right, all right. If it'll shut you all up, I'll do it.

- I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie Well, good night, Brian. Wait. Is Peter not coming to bed? No. He's active at night because it's cooler.

and I want to be fresh! Yeah, the person I'm attracted to is your brother. Brother? Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care. I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us. But what would I tell him is going on with us?

I don't need it anymore, Lois. I quit the team. Quit the team? But You can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were-- D-d-Did you just say "big meet"? Oh, My God! I did. Oh, We almost missed that one. I know. That was a close one.

You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again. Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg. There's no chance we're gonna be friends now, is there? Absolutely not. Can I at least think about you in the tub later?

I must have it for my gallery in Soho. I'll give you $5,000. What do you say? I say, I love you, you freakin' son of mine!

Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right iS. 2 minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli! Oh, Come on, baby! Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret! Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!

but now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out. Don't you worry. I'll be back with help. You want me to write that thunder thighs thing down for you? He's not gonna do it.

- (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it!

Oh, boy, that smells delicious.

A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration. So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal! You know something? I like your passion. Okay, we'll do the show, and we'll do it your way.

- So, you know, guys... - Bitch. ...Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles. (BOTH GASPING) - Ah! Ah! So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.

Well, what do you think? What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

(CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

You have to talk to these new bosses of yours first thing in the morning. Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with CHRIS. Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me!

Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk.

(SIGHS) STEWIE: Oh, no! Did that hit Crazy Stairs?

- The beak? - Okay.

All right. Today we're gonna play soccer. Huh. That was easy.

What? Mom, I don't want to go to fat camp! I'm sorry, sweetie. It's for your own good. And trust me, you'll feel much better about yourself. Everyone's gonna make fun of me! Oh, come on, who's gonna make fun of you? Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it!

then we went out to the Viper Room, and he OD'd again. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone. Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh!

You have a sister?

undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john. You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

All right, I'll do it. What are you talking about? (EXHALES) I can't leave you like this. But you have to swear never to tell anybody. (GASPS) You mean, you're gonna eat my... Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear! Okay, how should we do it? I guess it's dealer's choice, really.

Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead. Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all.

Yeah, there's a pretty grisly sex trade over there. Usually we just end up burying framed pictures. Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! (SOBBING) What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her? Doesn't look good. Stewie, I think there's only one way we're ever gonna see Meg again.

(GROANS) Come on, math, you dick.

Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H." Sounds right to me. Nothing ever bothers you, does it? No, not really. I like everything. God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington. Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?

You've got the AIDS

So, Kevin made another attempt on his life last night. He drank two bottles of dish soap. Well, we have some news, too. Chris is dating the most wonderful girl. You know, everyone said, "Don't smoke during your pregnancy," but I think some of it rubbed off on him 'cause now he's cool.

Yeah. No thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire. Wonder what the hell happened to them. BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options.

CARL: Hey, what the hell, man. What? CARL: You just made eye contact with me through the crack in the door, like, for a long time. Just seeing if anyone was in there.

10 more reps. Ok, and one, and 2, and 3... Yeah! I'm also addicted to boobies!

Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.

Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? Just one! You! I'm just kidding. But French toast, please. Oh, Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife!

Susie You're a baby That's all I have so far. That was horrible. You're as bad as Beethoven near the end. (HUMMING ODE TO JOY TONELESSLY)

A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh.

Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel.

"Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

Oh, it's... It's quite all right. Wow, okay, this is ridiculous. And you go here. You, you naughty little wire, you're supposed to be over here. How did you get over there? Oh, yeah. Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak.

Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup! Ball in a cup Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing. Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat. Okay, hang on. See this? Yeah. You know what it is?

So, uh, Lando, how old did you say you were again? 17. And--And a half. Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid. I got a daughter of my own, you know.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Oh, it is so good to see all of you. How is everything at home? Oh, It's horrible, Lois. I've had to do all the things that you usually do.

(PLAYING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE)

- Morning, Peter. - Morning, Lois. - You using the bathroom? - Yeah. Why? I was just curious. Before you go, I want to ask you a question. Is there something on my elbow or... First, me first, me first.

What the hell is this?

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Dad, what's that? I think I hear music. Oh, that's the little people, Chris. They're playing music so that I will bless them with food. (FAINT CHEERING) Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again.

Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous. Ok, disability claim.

well, Despite your point of view I can thrill a girl or 2 But I'd rather get it on with you

But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

Sorry, Meg. Black market organs are big money and I promised my bosses a fresh kidney. No hard feelings. Wait! You also made a promise to me. You promised we'd spend Valentine's Day together. The whole day. And I'm not letting you break that promise. Well, I guess a deal's a deal.

Prosecutor, call your first witness. Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter. Really? Well, that is interesting. Yes, and as a favor to the court, I've produced this simulation of how the killing transpired. I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker to play my daughter.

Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food. Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish. I really thought we were gonna lose him. It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin.

Okay, Peter, but I... What was that? Dad, I think that was just a cricket. Then what the hell was that? That was just me saying, "That was just a cricket." Dad, settle down. There's no one out there, Peter. You sure? Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's probably just a... Did you guys lock the truck? Dad, we don't even have a... What the hell is going on out there?

Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid. I got a daughter of my own, you know.

But he's at peace now and the whole-- Uh-oh! Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that--

I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris?

Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be. Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side.

Oh, come, get in bed with us.

Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers. There you go. There you go.

Anus, are you still up? Yeah. Come on in, sis. Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend? Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS.

Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please!

Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. I love you no matter what size you are. Although, I got to admit, I'm gonna miss eating cereal out of the dimples on your ass. Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine. Thank you, Doctor. I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems.

Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Boy, I hope Lois is watching.

on which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us

I have the power! He-Man

The fat man in charge for a week? He's going to be in over his head. Like when he was a boxing coach. Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him! (BELL DINGING) You know what I'm going to tell you. I got to punch him... You got to punch him more.

I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.

You... Actor. You... Tony? You...

Why don't you, uh, give it a shot? Ok, here goes. Oh, my god! Aah! What have I done? Oh, You're awful.

Peter, your religion is an abomination. I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding. And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up.

Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok. I sure am gonna miss being rich. Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No.

This is our house? Oh, Come on, Meg! I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap. Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch.

(SIGHS) I promise, Peter, nothing like this will ever happen again. Thanks, old buddy.

Huh. Didn't realize Greenberg was a Jedi name.

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here!

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us.

He's on the road touring with Black Box.

That was fun. We should hang out again sometime. Yeah, definitely. Well, good night. Night. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I thought you... I didn't think this was a date. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed! Hey, it's 10:30!

Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.

Wait a minute. Chris, are you clapping? Yeah! - So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot. You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours. Well, get pissy if you want, Mom. I've enjoyed the time we've had as a family.

Um, how about the zoo? Too much walking. Too much noise. You can't have any good conversation. Not like at Chili's. Where else? Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists. Well, hey there, Griffins! Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise! Don't tell me you're K.I.S.S. freaks, too? K.I.S.S. army soldier since 1977. How about you? '76. I don't think anyone knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. I'm--I'm sorry. What was that? Peter, It's not important. Let him answer, Lois!

These are mine now. Hey! Oh, honey, when we accepted those mugs, we knew this could happen.

Had a bit of a row with a fellow in the steam room. You don't say! Gave him a cauliflower ear. Bully!

Being romantic and unexpected.

Like the way Commissioner Gordon tells Batman that he just took a poop. Ugh! I don't need to know about that.

Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean...

Well, Congratulations on all your success. Here's your welfare check. What the... Hi, honey. WhaT? Lois, I know what I did was wrong.

Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic.

And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!

Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of person would do that, you might ask? Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs.

Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look. Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back!

(CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper! Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.

Do I sound like I'm on old-time radio?

(BEEPING) Oops. Well, look at it this way. I just got you on next year's Oscar telecast. You'll be right after Ron Howard! Just messing with you, Ron. Or maybe not! No, seriously, I am. Or am I? No. Oh, there's Jasper's plane. Where? Third one in line.

I didn't have my hands down my pants.

You son of a-- Ahh!

The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.

Hey, Meg? You okay in there?

Any last words?

Jinkies! What a mystery!

(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here! Look at this. Do you know anything about this?

He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you. She's a Killer Queen

You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that. - You wanna hook up? - Buy me something. I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool.

Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up.

Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world

(PINGING) That jerk, Opie, got Employee of the Month again. All because my boss hates me.

Left turn ahead. Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything. Anything!

Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on! (ALL CHEERING) I just... I--I can't take it anymore. He's driving me crazy. Take it easy, honey. Knock, knock. Hey, there, bro. How's it going?

This is just Tanned Stewie being Tanned Stewie. Check me out, Brian. (FIZZ) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Mr. Herbert. I want you back. Please, will you be my paper-customer again?

I'm so worried about your father. You mean 'cause he's a borderline alcoholic? No. Mommy's made peace with that. Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby."

Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg.

Show me potato salad!

Stewie, what's wrong? (WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So? Brian, he put it up inside. Oh, God.

Okay. (BREATHING DEEPLY) (EXCLAIMS) Don't do it right here! I don't want to watch! What? Take it over there. Do it in the corner. - It's gross! - It's your poop! Yeah, but it's your activity, you know? It's your thing. (EXCLAIMS)

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe.

It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy

Here he comes. Get down. He's in. Hey. What are you doing here, dork?

Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

"Your trash barrels were a little close to our driveway. Joe. "P.S. Please close the windows when you're giving piano lessons. "My legs don't work, but my ears do."

Hey, what's up, douche bags? I'm here to audition for this stupid pilot.

You were crying in the corner. Holy crap. Stay back. Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers. That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there? Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING)

If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take 6 months off my face. Um... I--I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i... I--I don't see any reason to--to throw it out. It's...

Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS)

But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for... Leave this house of God! (ALL AGREEING) But... But I love the church. It's an important part of my life. Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn. But, Father, I didn't mean... Wait. Did you say "a porn"? - Yes. - Oh. - Well, that's kind of weird. - Why?

It could be worse, though. At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway!

Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

(CARS HONKING) We're never going to get up there. I wonder what's causing all this traffic. Oh, boy. Yep, there's the problem. Not drawn yet.

Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing?

Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind?

a hat. And the other night, I had to do a... Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night. Ah, I can't believe you're serving a 3-year sentence, it seems so harsh.

Got it. Dad? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Hillary? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're in college? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're my new college roommate? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We're gonna be living together? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In the same dorm?

Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph

Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines! Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he?

It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins.

You and I didn't quite get along when we first met When you put us together we just didn't blend

Stewie, gather your things. Time to go. It's about bloody time! Y-- That idiot slattern sent the dog?

Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.

Hey, I'm talking about evidence here. There's lipstick on it. Yeah, well, can you bring it over to me? I can't move it. This is a crime scene. Well, can you describe it to me? You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay?

Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning. Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me, "and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff.

One of these planes must be going to London. Queue up, children. Spit-spot. Here are the tickets, miss. These are all ours. Thank you. Spit-spot, Albert Hall, meat and 2 veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark 5, Spam and eggs, a baby's arm holding an apple. Pip pip, cheerio!

Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage. You know, maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise. I mean, there are obviously some problems in your relationship. Who knows, maybe some time apart could be just what you need.

Where have you come from? I've come from where I've been. You still riding with that mangy polecat Fletcher? Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun and the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road. Winner! (JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I should probably get going. Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again.

Lois? Over here, honey. I'm chopping carrots for a salad. Here. Use this headlamP. HEy, Where's the kidS? Upstairs, doing their homework by candlelighT. Damn pig-dog Americans! messing with my family like thIS!

Oh, This is crazy! You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your... Oh, my! I--I liked you the way you were. You're not even real anymore. You're-- Peter, Did you get a new buttocks? I had to. My old one had a crack in it. Well, I couldn't be more angry with you. ohhh!

Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head! HEy, Shut up! Honey, would you like some pancakes? Oh, yes! God, yes! Take me! StewiE!

Yes. All right! That was a crazy one, Dick.

Yeah, I know, but I asked someone to do me a favor, and they're not too keen on doing it. Oh, I know what they're for, honey. So, how's school? Oh, good, thanks.

It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed. Now, remember, Chris, we have to work together, so that our steps-- Oh, This is my favorite event,

Yes, your anguish sustains me.

Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who? Fuck!

All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what. I'm gonna show you that, too.

North Pole! North Pole! There it is! My word, I really must have been asleep! Ah. Look at this. The tip of the Earth, Brian. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus. All right, let's go. Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?

(GUN FIRING) (AIR HISSING)

What do you say? I kind of miss sleeping at the foot of your bed. " don't think so. Come on, can't we just go.... " tried to tell you. This is my spot now, Brian. Oh. I see.

You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny? Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet." What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... (IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop? Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something.

(GIGGLING) RITA: I am plugged up. (GIGGLING) (SIGHING)

because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper. (FARTING) There's your smear campaign right there, Brian. (LAUGHS) Mom's right. Drugs are bad, Brian.

(GASPS) (RETCHING)

Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead.

You know I'm with my mother tomorrow at 4:00. Darn it! I'm gonna be so horny tomorrow at 4:00. You know, I got to say I'm a little mad at you for not being more available. We can have sex right now on the table. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. We eat here.

Did any of you happen to be at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire? No. None of us were. I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets. I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this. A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe.

What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972. Exemplary. Rock and roll. How in the hell are we gonna get out of here?

Why Cheesie Charlie's? It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time!

No, I never felt this way before Yes, I swear it's the truth And I owe it all to you

(DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)

I'm gonna be on a cereal box. Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no! Now pay attention, Junior.

you'll see our projections for next quarter, which I can tell are... Okay, okay. Yeah, all right. You know what? I'm in a meeting. I'll call you back. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. So, what are we talking about here? Well, before you... (PHONE RINGING) Oh, I'm sorry. F, what's up?

That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges. (Both) We are 2 wild and crazy guys! You guys look stupid. Anyway, let's talk this thing through.

Boy, I tell you, Brian, James Woods has been getting kind of obsessive... ever since you and me started hanging out again. How are you going to handle that? We got to come up with some crazy scheme like the kids on That '70s Show. And I think I got it.

Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left.

None of them be missed

Sorry, this stomach thing is acting up again tonight. Oh, and I'm going on a business trip to Mykonos for July. And it says this next one is the "Shocking Reveal Gay Float." (GASPING) I had no idea. Hey, check it out. There's an air show.

Joke complete. You and Dad were right. I'm not smart enough to be here. Can you come get me, please, Mom? Okay, honey, of course we will. (PHONE BEEPS) Hang on, I got another call. Hello? Lois, I'm at the gym. I hate it here. I want to come home.

Thanks, Northwest. I hate my family. Ah, that looks great. You know, I think this is gonna be our best Christmas ever. Yeah, but don't get your hopes up, Lois. I couldn't afford to get you what I got you last year. I know how you like that song, so I got you two turtledoves. Where did you get these? I went to a scientist and had them genetically engineered.

NEWS ANNOUNCER: This Sunday on Fox, it's the new hit comedy starring America's greatest actor, Fred Savage! Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy. Yeah, but that should have been our time slot.

With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny.

You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this.

Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company in no way condones Peter's conduct. In fact, a film on employee relations has been a mandatory part of our personnel training for 50 years. irrational and emotionally fragile by nature, female coworkers are a peculiar animal.

Well, where did you go after you left the war? I spent a few years laying low. Wrote some poems. You want to hear some? No. Are you sure? They're pretty intense. ALL: No. Here, let me just read one. If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"?

What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent! Hey, Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severely burned face, which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win!

(FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there. Hey, listen, I really want to thank you guys for taking me in, in my time of need. Oh, forget it, Quagmire. It's the least we could do after what happened. (PHONE RINGING)

My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life! There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable.

You're one phone call away from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Molly. Ah.

Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

It was a dream!

Next! Hi. Yeah, we're the Griffins. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry. I can't find your paperwork. Well, Look harder! I want my baby back! Lois, Lois, Please, let me handle this. The name's Griffin. We're the ones who fed dog food to our crack-addicted baby. Huh. Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities.

Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me. Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school... make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what.

Um, On Sundays we generally catch the early-bird special here at The Lobster Shanty.

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous!

You thought I wanted you to whack Lois? Guilty! It's not too late to have the hit called off, is it? Yeah. Gotcha! All I gotta do is make a call.

(GARBLED SINGING) ...the fields of gold

Buy me a rainbow You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine.

Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse. Stop! Wait! Hold it!

uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel.

How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast!

(ALARM BUZZING) Oh, there's the pie. Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter?

"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow.

Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!

Let me see that. "Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore.

Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

U.P.S. Heh, Little bastards ain't as smart as... Ah!

Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Now, let's find out who you really are. (GASPS) Dr. House? Indeed, Lois. If you don't mind, I'll address you in my natural speaking voice, as I've grown so weary of doing an American accent.

Uh, listen, there's been a mistake. I'm not here to arrest your father. You're not? No, son. I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is and how hard he's been working for all of you. And that no one has furniture, so you guys are right on target. Wait. You're letting me go? I don't understand.

Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then. Oh, no. Brian. That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller. Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? Oh, yeah. He, uh, He left a message. I forgot to tell you.

What? Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh?

Congratulations. You are both in the army.

JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean.

(ALL CHATTERING) Ah! I can't wait to see all my old classmates. This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter? Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow.

Ah, What a gorgeous day. Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter. Top of the morning, everybody.

Is it me, or did she just make that weird? Please. It was definitely not you.

What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time. Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. You wANt to Tell us A little something about what you're making there? I will tell you. It's Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. Mmm! Yes. Ok now, playtime is over. Turn it off, monkey. Ok? ahem.

Hey, what are you doing? Lois, where is my Red Bull? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois. Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own. Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now?

Yeah, aren't you a sitcom writer? I'm an author. I have contributed to the zeitgeist. Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means? If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana, which is a girl's name, and I'm...

Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going? I'm.... I'm hitting that.

Aw, Anything for you, sweetheart.

Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris!

Are those my books? What the hell are you doing? Mmm, Papier-mache. I used them to make the houseboat from Surfside 6. You remember. Surfside 6 who lives there? Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk!

Do whatever you have to do, Brian, but never let him know he's got talent. Yeah, you're right. It won't be so hard. After all, I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter. (GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe...

Ugh. What the hell? Did I just get laid? Nice game, Peter. Yeah, I'm on a roll. And I whipped Chris on the ice today, too. Enjoy it while it lasts. It's only a matter of time before he beats you. What are you talkin' about? I'm better than him at everything. You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks.

Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!

Don't worry. I packed my own backup chute. Oh, crap!

How does that sound? That's not right. So less, more, too many, not enough? You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am. Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age. Or is it?

and you'll always have that. (CLANGING) - What the deuce? What's that noise? I don't know. Oh, my God! Brian, look!

Lois? Damn! 111-1113... "A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film.

What the... FRANZ: So now you know the truth. (COCKS GUN)

What the hell is going on out there? Come on out, whoever you are! I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness.

Everyone, we need to discuss our problem with Chris. His little habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand. I mean, look at this. What's that, some kind of board? It's Chris' blanket. We got to do something about this.

The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing!

Well, Brian, in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought, "Why not go back in time "to that Summer of Love in the '60s "that everyone's always talking about?" Oh, cool. Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid? I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you. Very bad dog. (CRACKLING)

All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the Old West, where brave pioneers survived against long odds.

(SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry.

That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement? That son of a bitch went back on his word.

Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

A flight attendant? Wow. That does sound exciting. What made you change your mind? Just my desire to see you happy. Ohh! And to exploit your hard labor for free travel and fun. What? Shh, I didn't say anything. Go to sleep, crazy lady.

A don can't refuse a favor on the day of his daughter's wedding. So? So we can ask him for a favor. So? So we ask him to call off the hit. So? So... Peter, I don't know how to explain it any clearer than that. You can go to the wedding and ask them not to kill Mom. No way. It's too dangerous.

Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can.

And just for that, I'm going to help you out here. (CARTER SCREAMING) That's the power of "please," kids.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."

Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close. (GASPS) Peter, look!

Yeah, and not fake friends, like guys whose wives are friends. (LAUGHING) You have to get me that recipe. Oh, my God, the cookbook? It's right in the kitchen.

LOIS: Fine, Mike. You tell Peter he's in trouble when he gets home. You can tell him yourself, because Mike is Peter! Oh, my God. Are you serious? That was very good, Peter. I know! (CELL PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) Geez, that's all my life is lately, just a bunch of chores. I'm sick of Lois always making me do stupid stuff.

DRAMATIC ANNOUNCER: A deadly fire could spell death for a honeymoon couple on an all-new Hotel. Tonight on Newhart, the stockings are stuffed with comedy when Bob has to play Santa Claus. Then, a sniper’s bullet threatens a partnership on an all-new Cagney and Lacey. Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court, fore is in the air when Judge Harry's old high-school flame comes to town.

Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man. MADAME CLAUDE: And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved, and the timing was good because his new wife was a pain in him ass.

Mrs. Lockhart? Chris, come down here. I need to talk to you. Why are you here? 'Cause I couldn't stand to be away from you for another moment. I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married. Therefore, there's only one thing to do.

See? But you, it just can't happen.

(ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK PLAYING)

(SOBBING) Daddy, what happened to you? I can't live without the country club. You did this, Peter! This is all your fault! I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years. It's choppier, it's more texturized. Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name? Well, now that you know how it feels,

Oh, my God, so insulted. Trust me, if this were my work, it'd be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods? How? I would've electrocuted him, causing a temporary paralysis. And while he was still conscious, but unable to move, I would've reached into his anus and pulled out his lower intestine slowly,

CHORUS: Fifth caller Caller number five MAN: Not four, not six WOMAN: (SEXILY) Oh, five MEN: (YELLING) Cinco! Cinco! Cinco! Hey, you know what, Rupert? You know what I should do, just, like, as a goof? I should try to win those Justin Bieber tickets just so I can, like, tear them up or use them to go to the concert.

Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. We had reservations at another place and they...

Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me. Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school... make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what.

You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle. As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger. Why? Because I don't do drugs. Took me five minutes to get to White Castle. I didn't get diverted by all those crazy high jinks. 'Cause I don't get high. It was a good movie, though.

or an Italian guy needs to over exaggerate.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Blimey, it's right delicious, I do declare. Brian, have you decided who's gonna star in your show? Well, it's a tough role.

Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall. Very nice to meet you. Big fucking deal. Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her. Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go.

Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this? That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question.

Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon. Peter, you don't have $100 million! Of course I do, my dear. Now, would that be cash or check? Drop by Cherrywood this evening. I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account.

(PANTING) Dad, I can't take this anymore. I'm so tired and I'm so hungry. I got an idea, Chris. Follow me. What are we doing? I saw a forest like this in a book one time, and I know there's a gingerbread house out here somewhere. Do you think we could find it? We have to, Chris.

Do you want to split a Toblerone? Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. Next stop, my thighs! All right, Meg, wait here. I'll be right back.

God, a D.U.I.! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail!

I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's probably just a... Did you guys lock the truck? Dad, we don't even have a... What the hell is going on out there? Come on out, whoever you are! I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there.

HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking powder. It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING) FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING)

Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room. Does she still take the newspaper in there? Ugh, Yeah. And--and--And after she does, i--I just can't read it. Ohhh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We'd better get moving! Carol, you gotta relax. You Let that kid start calling the shots now, and you're screwed.

No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

(ROARING) (GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God!

Score's tied. Next basket wins. Chris, You might finally beat your old man. What are you talking about, "old man"? I'm the white Larry Bird. WhaT do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes!

- Kneel before Christ! - Ah!

All right. This next exercise will train you to talk like a straight man. Peter, we'll start with you. Repeat every word I say exactly as I say it. Tonight me and my friends, Paulie and Matty, are going out to drink a ton of beers. Tonight my friends and I are going out, but we're not drinking because those are empty calories. Then we'll play full contact football in the park with no pads or helmets.

Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No. Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent.

Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here. Wait a minute. Where's Meg? I don't know. I didn't see her. Yeah, I kind of thought you guys would attend to that.

ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place.

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!

It's at the Museum of Modern Art. Oh, God, I hope that's not some kind of museum! Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star?

We're too different to ever be pals You and I are Doo-doo-doo

Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction? We've got a long road ahead. But, uh... Hey, I've worked miracles befoRE.

Oh, my God! No! Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole! My man, Ronald, who did this? Oh, man, they were so good together! We were just establishing our friendship. They were about to get engaged. Oh, he was going to ask me to be an usher. I mean, he already had enough groomsmen,

There you boys are. How was your meeting? Twenty-nine more and we're done, that's how it was. That doesn't sound like the right attitude. Lois, you weren't there. It was awful. Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories. "My drinking ruined my marriage."

It feels like we've been here forever. Ok, Ok, here's one. What would you guys rather be? Blind or a midget? Oh, that's easy. Blind. It heightens your other senses to near superhero levels. Yeah, and every woman I did would be Cheryl Tiegs. Definitely blind. You guys are crazy. Hey, you don't wanna be a midget?

I can't date someone who's smarter than I am.

- Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it. He's closer to my age, you cow. What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!

Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm. We don't know anybody there." No, Brian, you have to give Mary some attitude. Look, you do my line and I'll show you.

It looked more like this. Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. Excuse me. I have a message from the Ouahog hospital. I just feel awful about this, Mayor West. Yeah. Me, too. Stewie, fluff his pillows. I'll heat up his soup.

Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.

I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related.

Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois. It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone. I, uh, i-I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me. Now, just a minute! Ahh!

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

this is the place I'm gonna think of to make everything all right. That's great, Stewie. Hey, what's up your fanny? Nothing. I'm just... I'm a little bummed out from the other day. I just can't believe our society actually values the life of a dog less than that of a human. It's infuriating.

Oh, Keep playing. I think this is as good as it's gonna get. Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either. Aw, Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell. Peter, The good Lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about liking him. in that case, Dad, I'm gonna eat meat on Fridays, golf on Sundays,

Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that.

Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp?

Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh. Hey.

Yeah, yeah, come here, you. Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy? We're just a couple of guys messing around.

I used to pass lots of gas Lois ran away Now we've got 30 rooms Hello, beans, goodbye, spray

But Luke Walton's here and he's ready to play. Hey, Dad. Where are you going with that cutout? Oh, hey, kids. This is Kathy. We're designing lifestyle products together. It's completely legitimate, but don't tell your mother.

Oh, it's beautiful! Everything is so beautiful! Come dance with me, Dad! Soon, Meg, soon. But first I must inhale. (INHALING)

I'm in! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo!

(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING) (SCREAMING) Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right? No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot! Take your hand away. Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire.

(GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on!

What? Come on, he's a cute little giraffe. Maybe you could call him, like, Gizmo or something. Oh, look, he can fly. (MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND) I hate him. His mouth is always open like P. Diddy.

I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom. Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now! I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan.

Hey, Mr. Barrington. Oh, hello, Peter. I'm so glad you're here. We're shooting bald guys under 5'7" today. Hey, there's the guy who denied my health insurance claim. Sir, your nipples are fine! You don't need to reconstruct them! I want Hershey Kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them!

I almost walked right into that one. God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head. Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. Ok.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar?

I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me.

Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together.

It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants.

(CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

Stewardess, the plane just made my beer spill. I want a free one. Sir, all your beers have been free. All 9 of them. And don't you forget it, Frenchie. Now bring me another one and get out of my way. The movie's starting. Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on!

You did all this in a day? The matrix formed in a day. The life-forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate. Can I cook or can't I? This doesn't make any sense. If you're so smart, why do you hide it?

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,

Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from.

than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say...

To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one. Hmm, You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart. Hey, Chris, give me the juice!

What? That's bird meat, dude. What? No. You're eating a bird. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! (SQUAWKING)

Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best...

Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen,

Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag. I can't say no to you, honey. What are they, like, $10? More like $1,100. You wish I loved you that much! We're never gonna get this float done in time for the parade.

Wait, hang on, Lois. Before I go to bed, I just got to do one thing. (BEEPING) CARTER: Hello? Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt? It's me, Peter. You remember how you said I'd never amount to nothing? (CLINKING) Is that a Mercedes? Peter, hang up the phone. (DOORBELL RINGING) My God, who could be at the door at this hour?

Peter, we got to do something. You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along.

Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam. Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters? Stewie, it's gonna be fine.

That's your penis. Oh.

Enough of this crap. Ezekiel. Call off your boys and let's you and me finish this man-to-man. Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating.

Well, that was so nice. A good sermon and such beautiful songs. Yeah, It was just like that other Jewish musical we saw. A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us...

Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you.

Say, listen, Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile, but there's one person I really want you to meet. Oh, yeah? Who's that? The American people may have turned against the war,

Oh, my God, that was such a rush. Yeah. I'm alive!

Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it! (GRUNTING) Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was.

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears....

It's gonna take me forever to catch up. Well, we'd sure love to have you as a viewer. Is there anything we can do to make the news more appealing to you? Maybe. I guess you could lose the moustache.

(MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better. (STATIC BUZZING)

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea.

So, what do you guys wanna do now? Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang. Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time.

Damn it, Swanson. I want them found. Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads. Not the Griffins, you moron!

Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What?

You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter! M-m-Mr. Griffin, please. please. I--I invited you here so that Chris could make an impression on the art community.

"As funny as it is touching. Gene Shalit."

And play harder, right? I bet.

That's great, Stewie. Hey, what's up your fanny? Nothing. I'm just... I'm a little bummed out from the other day. I just can't believe our society actually values the life of a dog less than that of a human. It's infuriating. That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and chew on your balls for an hour. You know, that's the problem.

Well? We're waiting.

I'm exhausted. Oh, look at me, I'm Lois. The sun revolves around me. I'm the one who's got to go to court tomorrow. Peter, isn't there anything I can do to talk you out of this lawsuit? Hey, I was violated sexually, and that man is going to pay. And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer.

What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

No. - Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs. Don't! You are Jesus. Yes. I am.

undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.

All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking! (ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One,

Who the hell do you think you are?

No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet. Do I... Do I hit him? No! Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting!

Mom, where's Dad? Over across the street. He's collecting Cleveland's mail while he's out of town. Black guy mail! Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I. And me, I find that hilarious. Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines.

I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls! (LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls. Just like... Just like Sharon Stone. You beat me to it. Man, I haven't had this much fun since I was in that Broadway show.

Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help! Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger.

I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

What was that? Hey, I thought we told you guys to quit snooping around here! We need to find a story if I'm ever gonna be a big-time reporter, man. All right. Make like Siamese twins and split, and then one of you die. When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice.

Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we're working together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me!

If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better Now you're having fun 'Cause we're in the aisles Even the bad guy is singing along They're singing right near me, so it's a great musical.

Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that. Oh, hello, Lois. Peter. What are you doin' here and where are your clothes? Oh, did I forget my clothes?

JOE: Peter, no!

No. These are my vows. They're all the reasons why I'll always love you. Oh, Adam. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. Peter, I'm so happy for the both of them. Hey, I just realized I have a sister.

Peter, you're back! Let's go home! We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch. We'll find another place. Your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in Hell, may she rest in peace.

Cool. I'll call you later. Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One,

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING)

Headline. "Woman Cold."

And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please.

W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up! Well, I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter,

Go on. Giddyup. Come on, you dumb deer. It's not working. I think they need to be coaxed. Santa said they eat elf flesh. Excuse me? Sir? Mr. Elf? Sir?

Okay, you ready for some polo? All right, this is more like it. Where's Buttercup? Oh, only members can ride Buttercup. Guests have to ride Topsy, the 'roid rage horse. (SNORTS) Now, whatever you do, don't say his trigger word. - What? - (SCREAMS) That's his trigger word!

To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox.

Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman who came with her co-workers. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot! All right, here's a cute-looking one. Excuse me, miss? This older gentleman would like a lap dance.

Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin. You're a war hero. I don't feel like a war hero. Only a war hero would say that. Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? Were they able to contribute? Eh, you know, they did their best. What with their regular bleedings, when they got shot, did they even know? Look, guys, I'm not a hero. And I don't want to be treated any different than before.

Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass. So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian. We just want the old you back, that's all. Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?

Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

(SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing.

Lois, trust me. How many times have I done this before? All right, but be careful.

What? What is that? (QUIETLY) Let's use our eyes to see. Aw, this guy has sugar cereals. His mom must be so cool. And he's got a trash compactor.

So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What?

Boy, I hope somebody buys me. I'd look swell in their den. (LAUGHING) (GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube!

(GUNSHOT) CLEVELAND: Ow! My arm! (PANTING) This looks like a safe place to rest. (DOGS BARKING) OFFICER: I think he went this way! Peter, close the card. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine. (GUNSHOTS) (CLEVELAND SCREAMING) Here, Peter, why don't you open my gift?

(GROWLING) (YELLING)

Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool. You betcha, son. I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast, and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity. - Would you like that? - Would I? Wow, that's a way better present than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas.

You hear that? Sounds like we're being boarded from the rear, and not the, "Hey, take a deep breath, let's experiment," kind of boarded from the rear. (CLEVELAND BEEPING) Could you hold on to this bag?

Good evening, everyone. I want to thank you all for joining me at this very important event. Animals are treated as second-class citizens everywhere throughout this nation. We kill them for food. We humiliate them as pets. And we use them for medical and cosmetic research. Take a look.

Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes! I'll have what he's having.

Well, I tried to make a career out there in Hollywood, but I just didn't realize how tough acting is. Well, you know what they say, "Tough Actin' Tinactin." I wish I'd known that then. You see, life after Halloween 4 wasn't exactly smooth sailing. Once I stepped out from behind that mask, Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder.

(SCREAMS) You cut me! Why?

I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached. What's all the commotion? Hey, there's one of them. Peter, look out! (GROANING) Go on, Jesse. Make your peeps and poops.

Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke. I see your bet, Carter. And I raise you C.N.N. Oh, I don't think I can-- Wait, wait, wait. You can beat him, Mr. Pewterschmidt. He's bluffing. Peter, he just bet C.N.N. There's no way he's bluffing. I'm sure he is. He's got a tell.

Oh, no! What's the matter? We're out of gas. Out of gas? But, Brian, it's freezing out here! What are we gonna do? I don't know. We'd better think of something. Maybe I can help. There's an old, abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north of here. You could spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning.

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

We're gonna do some toad. You in? You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud. You'll get chills all through your body And you'll lose all control

Bonnie, I didn't think it would have to come to this, but I can see there's only one way left to prove my love to you. (GRUNTING)

I think I'll have some Freedent.

You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae.

Where was it you graduated from again? Hmm? The University of Duh? I can help you with your homework, son.

"Love always protects, always trusts, "always hopes, always perseveres.

Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist.

but who has never actually shined. Not one single time! Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here! Is everything okay?

What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one! How could this happen? I thought we lived in suce a nice small town. There's no such thing anymore, Lois. Things are A Lot different than when we were kids.

(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey.

PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore.

Stewie, time for breakfast! Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy?

Wait, you're not seriously considering him, are you? James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old. I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? What? But he is. ...n't. My God! This is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.

I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty. My VCR's still broken. Did you remember to watch Survivor?

I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.

But don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble. Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood. Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids to witness the plight of the Rebellion. Kids, you noticing all this plight?

No, Dad. (HEARTBEAT THUMPING) (SCREAMS) Stop!

Can't touch me Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here!

- Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked--

I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin. I have no idea what got into my son. Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine. Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here. Thanks. Now we want Justin's candy.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia which has substantially weakened his immune system. Is he gonna die? No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off?

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it.

I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round, we'll never know. (BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one. (CROWD CHEERING) - She's getting beat! - No, she's getting mad.

Hey, look what I found. Wow, authentic Native American remains. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site. Hey, look, it's Robin Williams. (GIBBERING) Black preacher voice. Gay Elmer Fudd. (LAUGHING) The more you hear it, the funnier it gets.

Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice! ROck thE boat!

Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention!

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N. All right. 90210.

(SHARPENER WHIRRING) Clean that up.

Uh, Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil. Honey, good news! I made partner!

We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois. Uh, I can't. I have cramps.

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.

I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away.

Unless what? Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great.

I was just making sure. Say we were both drunk, and--and we knew we wouldn't remember? I'd have to be really, really-- No! I tell you, Peter, I wish I'd taken this up years ago.

Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name? Dr. Hartman. Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal". No! He's been in there an awful long time. I hope everything's all right.

Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

I tell you, I feel more exhilarated than Peter did when he swam with the bulls. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

She's being kept alive by medical science.

Oh, he killed her. Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business. Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious

I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back.

None of this makes any sense. Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source,

Oh, boy, nice to be back home. Those seminars can wear you out. (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Wow, did you say, "Web-based Internet series"?

Hey, Come on, Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you. Oh, Let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... Ooh! big shock, a jack pops out. And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside. Surprise, honey! A trikie!

(ALL CLAMORING) Quick, get on!

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper?

Mr. TuckER, Mr. Griffin's here to see you. I got to go. Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

Just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night. (GRUMBLING) And that's all we had last night. What does that mean? Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Maybe that we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex. Do you even know what sex is? That's not the point! Don't change the... It's a kind of cake? Look, can we just drop this and have a normal pretend dinner? Fine, fine!

I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico? Hi, is this Room 214?

Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy? Okay. Why? Uh, it's a present. It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?

Oh! Crap, Peter, it's a flash flood! Oh, man, I better save my autographed picture of Dean Cain. You know, from before he got all desperate for attention.

- BRIAN: Yeah! - STEWIE: Oh, God! Ugh! He can't hurt you anymore.

Ahh! Got milk? Chris, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan. But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma."

(SCREAMING) Chris, what happened to the couch? Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!"

Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here! I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet,

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home. I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you.

Well. not now. But soon!

Joe, what the hell is going on? You're a suspect in Lois' murder, that's what's going on. Don't make us go good cop, developmentally disabled cop on you.

Nothing else has worked so far So I'll wish upon a star Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew

Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes?

Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love. But I forget how to make love.

That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!

Eating disorder!

Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it. Oh, come on. You're acting crazier than when you were going through your Parker Lewis phase. Peter, you ready for dinner? That's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose.

(GASPS) Carter? Oh, hey. You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a minute. This is what Brian was warning me about, that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves. Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours?

(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good. (FARTING)

Uh-huh. Chris, can I see you in the kitchen? PETER: (WHISPERING) This is not working out. This is not working out at all. - CHRIS: Dad, Dad, look. She's trying. - PETER: No. No. CHRIS: She gets along with everybody. PETER: She does not get along with everybody. CHRIS: She's kind of hot. PETER: She's office hot. All right? Yeah, maybe you're right. She's the only woman around. CHRIS: Yeah. In the real world, she doesn't hold up. PETER: In addition to everything else, she's got B.O.! She's got B.O.

Oh, my God. Yes?

Dad, can we please have a turn at the Xbox? Just a second, Meg. I'm still trying to get the hang of this. Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the...

All right, Bri, this is it, our first town. I'm gonna head for that roof. Why are we tilting? Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay? You're coming in too fast! Look out!

You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (TIRES SCREECHING)

There we go. (SMASHING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for buying me dinner, Mr. Herbert. I wanted to thank you properly for all your hard work. Souvenir photograph? Hell, yes.

PETER: No, I think we need to cover ourselves in mud to avoid being seen. QUAGMIRE: Peter, Joe's right. That's only a movie. JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted! QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter.

Here's your ticket. Pick that up! Chris, why are you acting like this? Pick that up and cook it into something delicious or knit it into something that's useful to me! (CRYING) Are you ready to make out now? Why in the world would I want to do that after what you just said?

I'm the king of the wor-- Damn it!

and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged. That's how this weekend came to pass. Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker,

Wow. Yep. With no Christianity to inspire Michelangelo, they gave the job to John Hinckley. All right. You ready to go home now? Are you kidding? This is amazing. Can we see more universes? Hmm. Well, I haven't tried yet, but I don't see why not.

MAN ON RADIO: Hey, hobo man Hey, Dapper Dan You've both got your style But, brother, you're never fully dressed Without a smile Yes. The penis one.

WOMAN: Radio DJs at local events MAN: Next week, The Boat Show. (BOAT WHISTLE BLOWING) (OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted. MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch.

No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk. Good morning, everybody. Brian, I have something to say. I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with your age. Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it. Fantastic. And to help us forget about it,

ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

I'm a Methodist. We believe that the Lord is our Savior, and we remember Him by going to church and praising Him every Sunday. I'm a Seventh-day Adventist. We believe all the same things that you believe, but we go to church on Saturdays. What? (LAUGHING CRAZILY) (BABBLING)

I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.

Attention, everyone, mail call!

Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer?

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting! Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife. While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it.

Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin. Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois!

Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am here today to talk to you about smoking. Oh, Please, Peter, do the right thing. I know a lot of you are already on my side. And for you naysayers, I have 2 strong words for you. Come on!

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately he was kind of a reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be. I wish to make love to you.

None of this makes any sense. Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source,

Man, sometimes I just feel like I could just stab her repeatedly. White women, huh? Jewish waiters, too. I got this Jewish waiter one time. It was awful. Didn't tip him. You ever do anything bad to a Jewish waiter? What's that, Peter? I'm sorry. I was focusing on my drive. You're doing great, Peter. Just don't let him intimidate you.

Please give me rat poison, I want only to die.

- Out. - I live here. No, no. Afuera . But, look, I'm trying... (EXCLAIMING) (SPEAKS SPANISH) STEWIE: Yes. Could you please put Brian back on? No. No. Doggy afuera. You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Listen, I don't want to point fingers,

You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

Then I tried teaching him how to get out of paying a check. Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn.

It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall. BRIAN: I have very good hearing! He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage.

Oh, hey, Oogy! Oh, you look tense. Well, Jillian, there is something we need to talk about. What is it? I just wanted to spend some time with you.

Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves. Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not?

Isn't that the American dream? Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper.

Time to lose some weight, dearie.

What, you mean reveal myself? Absolutely. This world needs you, Jesus. It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction. (MOANING) I am so ready to have sex with you.

Look, there's a magical land of desserts right behind you. (BOTH LAUGHING) Help! Stop!

You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God. Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob!

(LAUGHS) No, you don't. No, no, you can't go in there.

it sure was, Ed. in this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi Watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say, "She sells seashells down by the seashore."

Someone to care for To be there for f ha ve James Woods Someone to do for Muddle through for You ha ve James Woods

He's... a... fam-i-ly guy it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond, as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice.

If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything. No, Dad! Don't do it! He's evil! Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding. Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself. (SHOUTING) No! (SIGHING) Thank you very much. Now, I know this looks bad,

Good job, Scout. Now drop and give me 20! Thank you, sir! Ladies, this Saturday at 0-800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your obedience. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.

No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.

What part of, "Stay 50 yards away "at all times," don't you understand? Uh-oh! Your powers are weak, old man. CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time.

I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing.

All right! All right!

Guess what? I have a welcome home surprise for you. (GASPS) Dish, dish, dish. Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way? Oh, my God. Yes, I do. And you so did not even. Oh! But I did. Yoo-hoo! Guys.

What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois.

You want a lap dance, mister? No. Sit down. I'm giving you one.

Neil, you ask me out, like, once a day, and I always give you the same answer. No! God, I don't think I could have been any clearer the last time I turned him down. Ra y, your mother insulted my steak pizzola again. Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you!

Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh! Holy crap! This is hot! Oh!

but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

Uh, d-Don't you mean the "orderly"? No, I mean the disorderly. That's a little doctor joke we like to make around here. We also like Kevin Pollack. Oh, My God, Pearl! Brian, I don't have much time. God, I never should have made you leave the house! This is all my fault! Shh. Shh. Shh. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Oh! British guys always capture my butterflies. Yes, and to add insult to injury,

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there? No. There must be something wrong with you. - Really? - Yeah. I've never had that problem and I don't know any woman who has. Hey, look at this.

This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects.

Finally, I have a reason to wear this big bow tie and cigar I bought at the Dress For Success store. - Peter, if you want this work to get done... - Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are?

Hey--Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!

was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD.

- You're going down, Brady! - You're the one who's going down, Griffin! What the hell?

(GASPING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) ALL: (CHANTING) Gold Guy. Gold Guy. Gold Guy.

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.

I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls. And I've restocked our school library with books of some of our greatest movies and T.V. shows. Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on? Mr. Griffin, this is impressive. I've never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading.

Yeah! You're a little too heavy, buddy. Yeah! We're going down. Yeah! Yeah.

What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

You told her I told you I kissed her? Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... What is this? Are these jokes? Do people in other castles think this is funny?

FLY: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left! No, that's not it. That's just more wall. PETER: How many eyes do you have, huh? FLY: Just two, same number as you, but you know... I'm not... PETER: Just go! Oh, my God! FLY: Whatever it is you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs.

Oh, oh, Funny sailing story. A guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean and he sees a little black dog. Let me tell ya, This dog's been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter. Peter, maybe this isn't the place-- H-h-Hang on, Lois. So the guy take the dog into the vet. The freakin' vet tells him, get this, "It's not a dog. It's a rat."

(EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS) BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here!

(CAR ALARM WAILING) Son of a bitch! What do we got, partner?

Peter, I've had a long day at work, and right now, sex is the last thing I want to think about. What the hell, Lois? You never want to do it no more. What if I told you I'm holding in a very big dump?

Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why? Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad.

What the hell, you weirdo? (LAUGHS) I'm just having fun.

or we walk! Fire her? She's the highest testing character on the show. Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract. Oh, yeah? Well, Here's what I think of your contract! I think it's awful, and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir. Let's go, Lois. We're outta here.

Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense. You may think that song and dance is dated, boring and dry

How about we fire up the old Segway... and find a nice quiet field to do long division in? I mean, a nice quiet field in which to do long division. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. Okay, I'm on my way.

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time!

ALL: Ew! I farted during the murmuring. What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did. (ALL GASPING) I respect Brian's courage.

- How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful. undefinedFinish it. Eat it. " hate it. Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it. At hurts. This is for Lois. Go on. At hurts! Good.

I put these on my tab. Here, take a Far Side one. The vulture thinks he's a cowboy. It's kind of funny. Hey, Peter, you got a card for if you transferred VD to somebody? Let's see here. Yup. "Sorry I accidentally gave you VD." That's all you got is accidental, huh? All right, I'll take it.

Okay. Got to time this just right. One, two, three! (EXCLAIMING) Help! Somebody get this baby off me! Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies!

Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm.

And for you naysayers, I have 2 strong words for you. Come on! Come on! OkAy. Yeah, Okay. - sure. All right. - Done.

Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is. I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race. I'm sorry, everybody. I've let you all down.

Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear? See you at work on Monday, Griffin. Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite Aid about this fake mustache.

Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.

You mean 3 Filipino women! No!

(YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters?

Look, I know his wife is a smoker. Just yesterday, when we saw her at the country club... she had a cigarette in her hand.

- How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful.

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING)

Chewie, you have to take care of the princess while I'm gone. Take care of her? You mean like... No. What? No. Just make sure she stays safe. Okay. That'll be fun for me.

Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise.

He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.

A Japanese or something.

(GROANS) Damn it.

All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with Purple Hearts. Shoot me in the foot. What? Shoot yourself in the foot. No, no, no, no. They can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you. I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work. Ready? One, two, three. (GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts! I think you missed me. All right, I'll try again.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me... Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, and there's more where that came from.

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying. Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers. So, what do you guys wanna talk about?

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back. God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it. Yeah, it's been pretty great.

This janitor's in love with this redheaded ashtray. MALE VOICE: Lucy! (WOMAN WAILING) But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe...

Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies! Peter? Do it. Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris? Elephants are bigger in person.

Hi there, everybody. You know, my Aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years.

like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time!

(EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive,

Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you.

I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. Your Earth's bitch. Morning, civilians. General Griffin reporting for breakfast. Dad, it's not fair. My money paid for that tank,

in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.

He killed twice and he's gonna do it again. He's got plenty of places to hide out there and a fully stocked corral of victims.

Oh, I see. Cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail? Huh? What are you selling? Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!

Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane.

Are you trying to seduce me-- Mr. Tucker?

- Hey, Peter. - Yeah. Pillow fight! You bastard! (ALL LAUGHING)

Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him. God, I hate this freaking cat. Can you spare some change? Why?

Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

Let's go. We're crossing the border. Good-bye, President Griffin. Well, Brian, at least you're loyal enough to stay with me. Ah, I've stuck by you through worse. I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy.

Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub. Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt! No! Stewie, Daddy needs your tiny hands for a very special project.

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody!

This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

Excuse me. No calls! It's about a dying boy. Hello? Well, What's he got? Hmm, Sounds sexy. Get me exclusive rights to his death and you got a deal. Well, Congratulations, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air! All right, Dad! Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.

(LION ROARS) (GASPS) Mountain lion. Make yourself look big! (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell? There's a bunch of bulldozers out there.

Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened? The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose.

But that's nothing compared to what this next man did. He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin.

Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

(ALL CHEERING) So what do you say, guys? Should we take this party to Denny's and hang out with the cast of the high school play? No. I think I'm just gonna go home. All right. You okay to drive?

(LAWRENCE OF ARABIA THEME PLAYING) LOIS: Well, I can't see anything. STEWIE: Who's the rather attractive girl on the camel? BRIAN: That's Peter O'Toole. PETER: You film buffs might enjoy this. Both his first and last names are slang for "penis."

That's the last of 'em! Good riddance! What the hell would we ever need guns for?

turn the plane around and bring it back here. Peter, I can't do that. The FAA would be all over my ass. Hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood? The pregnant one? Yep, she's having her kittens right now.

(CLAMORING CONTINUES)

If I were her, I'd be here every show. There's a kitty cat a-riding on the train Thanks, everybody. See you next week. Yay! He's a good singer. Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here. You should have been here, man. Those were the shows. Oh, looks like somebody made a friend.

Yay, Star Wars! No, Chris. It's the story of Christmas and the Immaculate Conception. You guys were born the dirty way.

They're not going for it, Chewie. Everybody, they're not going for it. This is failing. Luke, take this gun. You shoot me, I'll shoot you. CONTROLLER: (ON RADIO) Shuttle Tyderium, the shield has been deactivated. You are cleared to approach. (CHUCKLES) Well, there you go, gang! False alarm! Oh. (STAMMERING) False alarm?

Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I.

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy

It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither. Well, it... Well, it... You... Really? Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? No, no, nothing, nothing.

Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it?

Of all the malls in this great country of ours, he chooses to come here. Year after year. You know? I mean, who are we? You know? I'll tell you who we are. The lucky ones! Uh-oh. Oh, my God! Look at the line. Damn it! We're gonna be here forever. Wait, look. There's Quagmire, way up front.

(BOTH MOANING) You know, I can just wash it off when I get home.

and my shirt was ruined.

Hey, Brian. Knock, knock. Who's there? (WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together.

Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop. Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room...

The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.

Stewie, do you want to be the Autobots, or the Decepticons? What's with all these labels, man? Autobots, Decepticons, gay, straight, just pick a few robots, and let's party. Hey, what's going on in here? Oh, hello, Brian. We're playing Transformers. Oh, cool. Who's this little guy?

So, basically, you can eat from any tree you want, except this one.

Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God!

Once again, Ashlee Simpson.

this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims. Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

I've never handled one of these before. Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window."

Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how... It's Stewie, by the way.

(BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place,

Are you on a cell phone? Yeah. We're in L.A. WhAt? Uh... Uh, What--What a terrific surprise! Brian, can we see you for dinner? Yeah, You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you? Well, i--i, uh, i--I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh...

I just work with what you give me. You might think we're in synch But we stink as a duo 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts And you get a kick out of stroking your-- W-w-whoa! Y-You can't say that on T.V.!

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know.

Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. Why wouldn't you look at me during? (SOBBING)

A new study confirms that, no, they cannot. Citizens of Ouahog, we have a problem! You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair! Settle down, Jeffrey! Justin. Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before.

Train! (WHISTLE BLOWING)

and listening to the sound of your voice, I'd say he's the lucky one.

What I do has to be done. He's right, Peter. You've disturbed the natural order of things. People need to be able to die.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know, but there is a courtesy shuttle that runs every 20 minutes. What? Damn it. We just missed it. What do you wanna do for 20 minutes? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna work out. That's how you stay in shape. You just fit it in when you have free time wherever you are, wherever you can. There's semen on this floor.

I already made a playlist on this. A box of Junior Mints? This isn't an iPod? Your Junior Mints play MP3s? My iPod is chocolate? Well, be that as it may, or not be that, I was thinking I could be your wedding singer. - That's a great idea, Peter! - Sweet! And I promise you'll be able to understand all the words,

Yeah. 13 days. Well, You at least have to do something other than sitting there eating. All right, all right. Brian, let's go for a walk.

We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!

I--i--I suppose we're also not going with "parsley, sage, rosemary, and Lowrey's Seasoning Salt." That's it. I'm going to 'Nam.

(SIGHS) You know, Peter, I know Lois is downplaying it, but I think she might actually appreciate it if we threw her a party. Maybe even a surprise party. That's a great idea, Brian! Yeah, I love parties. I mean, I had a great time at my baby shower. Well, after opening all these gifts, I could use a little wine right now myself.

What, Are you crazy? We'll take the boat. No--no, Not so fast, Lois. A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.

Pork chops. Excellent.

so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg." ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud. Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family.

Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something.

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible. So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal.

I think the plagues went away.

I came because I love the theater. I mean, If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle o' his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be? A bitch.

Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky and your boobs will get bigger and you'll stop having your period... Wait, how do I feel about this? No. No, I'm against it, I say! Peter, this is important.

No, but I mean after soccer practice. You got anything planned for then? I mean, nothing, nothing. Keep walking. You don't know me.

No, Lois, don't get that one! Get the one with the lion in overalls! Oh, my God, look! It's Joyce Kinney from Channel Five. Excuse me, Miss Kinney? I don't mean to bother you, but my name is Lois Griffin. I am a huge fan, and I just think you are doing a fantastic job.

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

No! You bastards! (CRYING) (SCREAMS) (BEEPING) What the hell?

It's just something I was wondering if you and your husband would participate in. I'm totally dreaming right now. Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants. Well, Naomi, whatever it is, I'm sure we'd be happy to help. Oh, my God. I don't believe it! I'm gonna have a three-way! This even tops sex with a mermaid.

Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh? We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn and watch Jimmy Kimmel try. No, thank you, Peter. And even if I wanted to, the TV is out.

Thanks, boys. Just like that.

Just wait for them to come kill us? Well, we could go on the run. With what money? And they'd still find us. Well, why don't we just hitchhike home? Even if we could get back there, we'd just be putting the whole family in danger. I don't see any way out of this. Well, there is one thing we could do. What? What's that? We could go out on our own terms.

What if Jesus had done that? (CHILDREN CLAMORING) Why is the ironing board still out? That's-- That's my favorite picture of Brian over there on that wall.

Oh, I'm so, so honored! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl! It's Enrico Palazzo! No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals! Get him! (ALL CLAMORING)

Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. (GASPS) But then why should you remember? There were so many of us. But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this,

You said you like to drink at work? I do. Oh, me, too!

Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets of Brazil CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Back in the USSR CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't matter where you are CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street

Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie?

I just bought a giant room full of gold coins, and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. (DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here. Bone dry.

Um, I do speak English.

Hi, Jillian. Oh, hey, Jillian. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. Oh, are they showing? It's a really thin bra. Peter, I came over to ask you something. Will you give me away at my wedding? Wow, sure! That'd be great! Jillian, don't you want your own father to give you away?

All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway.

WEll, You know what this means? Yeah. I say, walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.

when I need you more than ever? I've taught you everything you need to know, Peter. Now, it's time for me to go help another child. I guess I just fooled myself into thinking you'd always be with me. I will, Peter. I will always be with you.

JOCK 3: (COUGHING) Everyone's gay but me. My God! He's practically ruined me. I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something. We? Are you kidding?

Looks like the Starbucks mermaid. Peter, Carol is marrying Mayor West. You serious? That's right, Peter. Say hello to your future brother-in-law. Brother? I don't know those other two words, but brother? I'm gonna have a brother?

Give me a "D!" "D!"

The Drunken Clam? W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it!

This is great. We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang! I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky. Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V.

You mean to tell me you stand here all day playing with dolls? Dad, It's not easy. See, I gotta twist on his head and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket. Any of you kids want to see a dead body? Ooh, Ah! Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed? Peter.

"P.S. Your vagina is in the sink."

(MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

Silence! Ever since you two met, you've done nothing but wax idiotic! I must escape this infernal babble! Ah! What a little explorer. Yes. He's so full of wonder. Oh, To be the Lindbergh baby right about now. Joe, you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin.

You're in big trouble, mister. Oh! There's no pulling the wool over this guy's eyes. Looks like I'd better go on the lamb. Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. I think I'm gonna do okay here at fat camp. You sure you got the chops for it?

CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia, this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day-- Over!

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

Uh-huh. Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store. Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass?

There it is, kids. Columbus, Ohio. Now, remember, there are no rules about who can wear stretch pants here, so you're going to see some pretty shocking things. Brian, is this our vacation? Yeah. Oh.

even when her mind started to go. What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M.

Hey, wait, you got something there. Oh, my God! I can't believe I fell for that. I know. Now, excuse me, I have to make out with my girlfriend. Oh! Sorry! I'll leave you two alone. Nah, it's just me by myself! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! That's so cool! Hey, take your helmet off. I'll do "got your nose." We're not supposed to take these off, but I really want to see that.

(BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things. Sometimes you just...

ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

You son of a bitch!

We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING) What are you doing here, Brian? Still trying to smear my boss? No, no, no. I actually came to my senses and realized I was out of line.

Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star. Are you sure that's a star? We've had this conversation! Yes, it's a star! It's got flashing red lights! Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

The operation was a success. What are you gonna go by now? Peter. You know, Chris, we'll have to do something about that. But I don't wanna get rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you.

Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE!

Sorry about that.

Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING)

We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth.

I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender. Joe, please get out of our way. I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life, but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves. Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Too late!

Where do you think you're going?

Yes. Though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea. I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy And your record will stand as proof Be it galley or a freighter, I'm an expert navigator And you're also a world-class poof My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street

Then I would fashion the lower intestine into a crude giraffe and give it to his children as a Christmas morning stocking stuffer. And then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace I point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?" And stuck to the ceiling is the card that he picked earlier. Oh, I forgot to tell you, he picked a card earlier.

Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it.

Oh, boy. That was close. Ugh! Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here. You're a worse parent than Britney Spears. I know, I know. Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, I got to get that. I'll talk to you later. (THUD)

Wow, I own a house! I just hope it doesn't have one of those mailboxes that looks like a cow. I just want to seem cool to these guys, but I really hope I have one of those mailboxes that looks like a cow.

You gonna have some? No, I'm already full. But you should have some before the other kids get to it. What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad.

Sure, I can. I've been doing it all week. Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets. All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him.

Yeah. I know they suck. Not all of them. You know, Some of these look pretty good. Really? Yeah! I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Except for that one thing your mother does. You mean play the piano? no, No. She... Yeah. Y'know, I probably don't say this often enough.

Good morning, First Family. Ooh, Lois, what's in this coffee? Isn't it wonderful? The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans.

and I promise I'll never betray you again. I love you, Cleveland. Uh... I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches.

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see

I'm a guy, you jackass!

I'm a Catholic, and I want to live in a Catholic house.

It's easy for you, Joe. You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company. Oh, I don't, do I? Well, let me tell you a little story.

Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you.

Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, and Greg became his slave? Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine. Oh, okay, good. Make fun of his wheelchair. What? What? Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair." Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair.

(GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?

My God, look at this wonderland of treasures. What would a guy like me have to do to be part of this magical world? You are trespassing on private property,

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat. Hey, guys. I stopped at Pinkberry and I got some for everybody. Wow, thanks! You're welcome.

I knew it! MR. WASHEE-WASHEE: Drop it, or I blow you head off! Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally.

- Put this on. - Why? Because I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys and I don't want Lois to know about it. Um, okay.

Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Aw, just Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get. Um, Hi. Can I help you? Yeah, Some company hired me to stand next to you all day,

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2-by-4s.

but you guys are my best friends, so I'll tell you. Lois and I are having another baby! We are so throwing you a shower!

I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.

I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. Oh, Joy unbounded!

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off. Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom! And that was the last time I ever saw her. Well, Brian, i--I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems.

Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life. It was insightful and fresh and intelligent. It's like his play is mocking me. He wrote it in a night. Ugh, that's how I feel whenever I see Brad Goreski on Bravo. God, everyone's on Bravo but me. Anyhoo, have you told him how good it is? No. I just read it. He gave it to me 'cause he wanted my feedback.

Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything? What? No, I was just... Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything. Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004. That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11. (SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?

Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. Where are you?

Oh, that's just perfect. I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see. Anyone got more happy news? I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget. Anything else I should know about?

Well, I never was very good at building things. Like that time I built that handmade electric razor. By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. (PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again!

Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it! You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off! Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here! Stay away from me! You keep him away from me! Why, you little... (BOTH YELLING)

"I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.

I'm right back where I started. Well, sounds like we need another loan shark. Don't worry, Joe, we're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money. (KIDS CHATTERING) Wow, Peter, I gotta say, this lemonade stand was a really good idea. It's selling really well. That's because it has my secret ingredient in it. Vodka!

We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks.

Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings. So, Joe, it must feel great to finally have some closure with Bobby Briggs.

Just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees. Fat man with his kids and dog drove in through the morning fog

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast!

Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth, would you like to sign the petition?

Cut the camera! Cut it!

I tried to call! I can't get through. The line's always busy! It's ridiculous.

That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there.

Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat.

Dirty whores, all of you. Hey, Peter. Lois, we got a problem. I think Ryan Reynolds is in love with me. What? Don't be ridiculous. It's true. Last night we were at this restaurant, and he tried to gay kiss me. I'm telling you, he wants to get with me. Peter, come on. Why would any man dress well, groom himself,

People are born that way. Now run along, or you'll be late. Hey, who's that, your boyfriend? (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Yeah. Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

Okay, that was good. That was good. Chris, I think you were a little early at the start of bar four. I don't know, how'd that sound from your end? Sounded great out here, you want another? No, if that works for you, we're fine. All good on my end. All right, that's a take.

Rob? Did you hear that?

Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines! Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he? Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me. Oh, Look. My very own lion! Oh, My God!

Well, my, my! Mr. Hoover's come to visit. I don't want to see Mr. Hoover. I wonder if Mr. Hoover has anything to say about all this? Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud!

Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions!

I got to go. Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!

please flip the tape over to side B. Get out of my dreams

You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts? Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland. I need some passion in my life. I need a real man. And Lord knows that ain't you.

Butt out, schlomo.

(VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball?

Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department. Ah, Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing. Hey, fellas. Wow! Ted Turner! I told you guys not to invite him. Oh, He must've followed us. Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what?

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Quagmire loved that girl! QUAGMIRE: Easy. Murder? What are you talking about? You're going away for a long time, pal. Jimmy, what does he mean? Look, I honestly don't know what's going on here. Oh, really? Well, maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in the next room will refresh your memory. What do you mean? There's nothing in the next room.

Molly Ringwald? Yeah. How's it going?

Hasn't been made yet. We could write it, Brian. After we're done with this, we could write it. (PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy! Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh, oh, you're sorry? Who's gonna play guitar?

No, thanks. I gotta get going.

(GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian!

Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer! And 19 of us are not. And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine. What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here. All prescribed to James Woods. And all from Goldman's pharmacy. What's that all about, Goldman?

This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib. Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING) Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

All right! All right! You've got 3 days to earn a badge! 3 days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going!

So is this it? This doesn't seem very fun. This is the best part, Meg. Now we put on sunglasses and ride with the sun at our side while we listen to a seemingly deep, but actually nonsensical song by The Byrds.

We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses. So let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.

And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow?

Get the hell off of me!

How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open? And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away.

Well, well, Mother! We meet again! Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago. Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny. You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! Sweet dreams, kiddo.

I don't believe you. I think you are a god. And I will die for you or kill others.

All right, Until you bring the Gumbels back, I am going on a hunger strike. eh? How about that, Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience? Huh? You gonna eat that stapler? You can't eat a stapler-- Wanna split it?

(ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look. Everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this. He's right. We just gotta stay calm. With a killer in the house? Killer in the house. Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next.

Now, it's time for me to go help another child.

Lois, Peter's show is on the local public access channel. Anyone can have one. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. (DISTORTED) And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete. Peter, you already do nothing around the house, and now you're wasting more time with this nonsense. Geez, you're still getting on my hump about this? I help out around here.

Whoa! You are smothering me, and I need my space.

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Just around the corner There's a rainbow in the sky So let's have another cup o' coffee And let's have another piece o' pie!

Well, that's awful nice, Peter. What's the occasion? Lois' life insurance policy paid off. I've got more money than Barbra Streisand. Honey, I'm going shopping. And I was gonna valet park.

Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands.

Lois, Peter, stop right there. You're under arrest for kidnapping. I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender. Joe, please get out of our way. I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life, but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves.

Good, good, good. All right, watch this.

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank. Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me.

Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What? Did you name it? Uh, yeah, he's Paul. Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Glenn.

oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk. G-Give me your keys. What is this, Dad? A Southern tradition, son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War. Robert E. Lee, I knew I'd find you here, where they seat the sorry-ass losers!

where a man must choose between himself and his children. Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese." Ha-ha. We're ready for you, down the hall. Are you sure you want to go through with this, Brian? Because, you know, you could have puppies with another dog. Oh, and Maybe with a condor. Yeah, Then you'd have flying puppies.

(MUMBLING) Jeopardy!

About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised.

Oh, hey, hang on, hang on. Look, you know, I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Okay, look, how about this? How about this?

Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, what's up, B-rie? Stewie, just give me a beer. I've had a bad day. I cheated on that assignment. You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here. I totally reek, man.

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! You enjoy the movie, baby?

How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you." Come and dance on our floor Take A step that is new

- Okay, wait, so what is this now? - Just watch. Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch.

And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory.

The best that he can Also, he's a ninja What the hell's wrong with you? I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down. This is an entire bottle of NyQuil.

PETER: It's okay! There's a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushioned my fall! Do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack? PETER: Uh, no! "No," like you checked and there aren't any, "no"? Or "no," you're just assuming? PETER: (STAMMERING) I'm embarrassed.

What do you say to that, broccoli? Stop mocking me!

We've been married for almost 20 years! Well, we hear that one a lot around here. Course there's a very easy way of detecting fraud. Mr. Griffin, what is your wife's birthday? Uh... Give me another one. Give me another one. Where is your wife's hometown? One more, one more.

Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom.

(ALL GIGGLING) Oh, my God, you're gonna hook up. With a boy. I know. I can't believe it. Oh, I feel as pretty as Scarlett Johansson. (CAMERAS CLICKING) PHOTOGRAPHERS: Scarlett! Scarlett Johansson! MAN 1: Scarlett, over here! WOMAN: Scarlett Johansson! - Scarlett! - Scarlett! MAN 2: Laura Linney.

I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you.

Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!

We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me. Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts. When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so. Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up, and eventually it all works out. Meg, this is a list of hats. I need these by 4:00.

Oh, honey, we are so glad to have you back, but you really don't remember anything? Not really, Mom.

Peter, everyone lies at those things. Just tell them you're a big shot. Wait a second, Joe, that's a great idea. Boy, imagine what it would be like to be a big shot. Diego? Sweaty. (MOANS) Thank you.

You sick whore. Look, it'd just be temporary, Lois.

with the Patriots. But this is your chance to redeem yourself. Now, I bet if you really tried, you could turn that team around. You know what, Lois? When you were talking about that sale at TJ Maxx just now, I came up with an idea. I am going to turn that team around. And we'll challenge the Patriots to a game, and we'll kick their ass!

And I know just who to talk to. Oh, God! Huh. Sorry, guys. Let me throw something on. Peter, look! Holy crap, that's the tattoo!

I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases.

Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm.

Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

I just think she's done.

Huh? Oh! Well, I better take this cocaine down to Evidence. Oh, hey, I'll-- I'll do that. Uh, I'll catch up with you guys at the pub. So it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas!

Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused. I'm not confused.

Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart!

Good show, old chap. Well played. Here she comes!

I'm sure it'll be a veritable "who's that" of the literary world. Well, laugh all you want, but they're gonna put me up at a luxury hotel, all expenses paid. Wow, congratulations, Brian. Meg, please, I'm talking. Over a thousand people entered the contest, and they chose mine. Well, that's wonderful, Brian. Yeah, that's a great achievement.

Plutonium at the farmers' market? Yeah, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think globally, buy locally. Hey, slut, get me out of this.

Ni hao, Stewie.

Well, I know one person who could have. My partner, Tom.

Oh, crap. I guess living in a London flat isn't gonna be too bad, huh? Mom, there's no water in the toilet. First ofall, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it, because everybody here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.

I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead.

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening.

News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo, if you can believe that. (SHOUTING SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH) Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house, an event that will most likely be canceled in the future.

MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying.

So it's got to be somebody who can project a certain amount of world-wizened sophistication, while at the same time retaining a certain youthfully passionate idealism. You know who'd be good? Big Jaws. Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Elijah Wood. I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have.

"Black-Eye" Griffin and his family were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.

Would you like that, Brian? Huh? Flying puppies? No, Peter. Those puppies in there are mine. And I'll give anything to be with them. Anything. I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you. Mmm. I love chocolate!

How could this have happened? BOTH: How? Oh, I haven't thought about that in years. You know, it would be fun to write some new songs. You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud. So I was thinking we could... Streaks on the china Never mattered before Who cared

Don't worry. Once I'm of this body cast, I'll do enough living for me and Bill. Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill. Haven't you guys learned anything? T.V. took over my life once. I'm never gonna let that happen again. Oh, My God.

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

What's wrong with Stewie? I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter. That's what I just said. I said that.

As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that.

Holy crap! I think we got one! Aw, damn it! It's just a dolphin. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Sorry, did I get in the way of something? No, it's all right. We were just trying to get some of them sunken Mercedes. Oh, yeah, there's a great big pile of them down there.

(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home. Oh, you're just in time. I ordered Caucasian for dinner.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

"We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?

This sucks. Can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA. You know, if you ask me, this is gonna be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn. What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic. (SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.

And what's he gonna do when we die? Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

Oh, baby! Oh, honey! Hug me!

Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh? Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on! (ALL CHEERING)

Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now. We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is.

Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies! Peter? Do it. Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

What do you say we make a little whoopee?

Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to. Do you remember who it was?

And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God, "wouldn't it be marvelous "if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But will you be prancing when... when... there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then?

Ugh! Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, You set out to make him feel better,

Dad, I know what to do! I saw it on Fox's When Bears Attack! Go away! Go on, get! Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal! Holy crap! Chris, that was amazing. I mean, i--I just froze up. But you handled that bear like a real man. I'm proud of you, son. You are?

gentlemen, Today we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy! It's a glorious day. Hey, Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Hmm. Whiskey.

I never do computer dating. Yeah. Me, neither. So, you're 27? Well, that picture was, you know, it was posted a couple of years ago.

Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday. - I got cash! - I'll take it! Suit yourself. Hey, Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place. Hey! hey!

Hi, Mayor West. Hi, Lois. I just wanted to return Peter's BeDazzler. Tell him I never even opened the box.

Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well... I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time. Mom, check it out!

(ALL LAUGHING) Peter, Meg's been suspended from school.

Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here!

I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world. And then, in high school, I was violated sexually by my father. It happened on numerous occasions, and I was too afraid to tell anyone because I felt like somehow it was my fault. So, you do go all the way.

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night. It's a comedy that's too good to be funny. Dude, you're trippin'.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late!

Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie, honey, where are you? Peter, I can't find him anywhere. STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Mommy? (GASPS) Stewie? Where are you? Look behind you, you stupid cow! Stewie? Oh, my God! What's happening?

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that? (STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning.

Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor.

I'm frightened. Let's go.

(MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go. (SMASHING)

and that he has two weeks to live. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Daddy! Yeah, I feel really horrible for you, and I hate to do this, but I'm trying to catch a 4:50 movie, and it's, like, 4:40 now, and so if I'm gonna make it, I have to leave, like, now.

And this is my special friend, Leia. And that's Sarge over there. You don't know my name, do you? You never bothered to learn it. What are you talking about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you, slugger. Yeah, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO. C-3PO, yeah. I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me, C-3PO?

My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go back to my place and rent a dirty movie. This is ridiculous. That was weird. Oh, well. Hey, let's compare breasts.

Where... Where am I? We're at the playground, Brian. I kidnapped you.

BOY 4: I think it is! GIRL 2: Wow! That makes him popular. JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin! JOCK 2: Griff-a! Griff-amano! (GRUNTING GIBBERISH) Wow! The jocks have never said hello to me before. Hi, you guys. Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut.

So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it. Oh, crap! Did I miss it?

Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING)

5 Seasons Hotel.

Naomi's the one who's coming. (CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay! Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming. (LAUGHING) "We don't... We don't even know why she's coming." You are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second.

Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi! Oh, hi, Quagmire. What a surprise. I know, right? Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you, buying food to make dinner for your husband. No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard, but Peter and I aren't together anymore.

You can try and fight but we're all agreed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh, excluding that first "ha."

Oh, Chris, I'm so glad you're okay. What happened? You had a heart attack, sweetie. A heart attack? Yeah, you almost worked yourself right into the ground, buddy. It's all our fault. We never should have let you take on the pressure of being an adult. It's okay, Mom. Boy, I thought being a grown-up would be easier than being a kid,

It must have been my father. This is how the Amish declare a feud.

All right, Chris, Meg loves to listen to music when she sleeps. Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works. This had nothing to do with the harmonica.

It's an avocado pit with a little bit of avocado still on it, and that comes on a ripped pair of boxer shorts. Now, I'm trying to decide between the tossed spaghetti on a newspaper and the half yogurt with the balled-up tissue in it. Hi, there. Do you have any books on how to get rid of ghosts?

Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back.

Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell.

- It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no! oh, Joe, - oh, I am sorry, buddy. - it's ok. Are you ok? You all right? Look, It's ok. It's Ok, I'm fine. Oh, boy. Everybody's fine. Oh, That was scary. Peter, what are we doing here? Trust me, Quagmire.

Lois, are you out of your mind? We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see?

Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us. Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

I'm just a slave to trends. What the hell? Oh, my God! We came out of hyperspace into an asteroid field. (ELECTRONIC EXPLOSIONS) Alderaan's been destroyed by the Empire. Maybe we should head for that small moon,

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think.

Babs, I need you. Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I kneel before you a frightened soul and a broken man. A man who has nothing without you.

(ROARING) I... I don't know Shakespeare very well. Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me?

Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's Christmas this year. Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon. What? He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving. All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready. Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing? Never mind that, let's just get going.

No, Dad. He's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snakepit. That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking.

(GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.

Hey, Brian. Really looking forward to making your show. What's with all those empty seats? Well, that's where the audience is gonna sit. Audience? This isn't a sitcom. It's a drama. Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom. It's not supposed to be funny. It's a serious drama about a single father raising his four-year-old daughter.

Hey, there's all my favorite people! Oh, no, not this suck-up. What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews? So good to see you, Barrington. Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald? Huh? Huh? Where we going today? You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald? Pewterschmidt, settle down! I was having a nice conversation with Peter.

Oh, Look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, And your little bronze hat. And your tail. - My what? - Nothing.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey lois, What are your parents doing here? Oh, They surprised us with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery. Yes. Peter, we hear you're a Negro now. Yep. I even got my own posse. Hey, uh, Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades, uh, you guys go make yourself some sandwiches. We'll hook up later.

What? What? It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth. Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

your eye is drawn to me. Yeah, that's neat. As there going to be any nudity? Yes, I get naked. You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant?

Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh? Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts.

Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Got it! We'll rob a train. Love it.

But then again, what doesn't these days, hmm? Listen, kid, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's not easy for me to say. Oh, God! You're not coming out of the closet, are you? Why does everyone always come out to me? I--I just wanted to thank you for everything you did today. I know this whole trip has been a mess. Well, It hasn't been all bad.

(ROARING WITH LAUGHTER)

Has the 4:10 flight to Alaska left yet?

Wow. Well, I'm so glad you're alive. Yeah, same with you. - Well, we should probably head home. - Definitely. Um, the only thing is, I'm a little short. Is there any chance you could cover me for the ticket? Let me see how much I have.

Brian, when you have to go to these lengths just to get away with smoking pot, it's time to make a change. You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana.

Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year. The investigation continues into this mysterious... Wait! I know what happened to Christmas! Brian?

just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

Thank you for letting me know. (CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved.

Wow, that's a real hit above the belt. But I'm still not sure that's a reason to betray Bonnie. Come on, Joe. Sleeping with this girl will even things up. You can't have that kind of imbalance in your relationship. In fact, you owe it to Bonnie to have sex with this woman. It's for the good of your marriage. Yeah, you should go for it, Joe. Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.

Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud. I am going to kick... your... aSS.

Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. You didn't plan on it, but it's happening. (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, man, these stadium bathrooms are always so disgusting. Look at that. There's even a guy taking a crap in the sink. Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink.

No kidding? Yeah, Yeah. Jeez, God. Hey, is that Stacy Beecham? Where?

clear the gutters, and wash the siding. To most folks, that's 3 chores. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one. Hmm, You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart. Hey, Chris, give me the juice!

How can you say that? Think of all the love he's given to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

So, what are we gonna watch? Boobs. Project Runway. The Good Wife. That black version of our show. You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming. I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS.

What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence. Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes, but little did you know, you've had herpes all along. I didn't want herpes! Oh. Well, you've got it.

Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy!

I found it! I found the last scroll! He found it! Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!

Make sure your trills are clean and watch the legato in the 4th measure. Go!

I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No! - I get involved? - What? I get involved with lady? What do you think? Turn around.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered... in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TVaudience? My poor baby. My God, Lois, you were right. Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now.

Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys. You know, the over-privileged drunk ones, not the socially-responsible dead ones. You know, this resort offers some wonderful amenities.

Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't!

Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny,

Good morning, family. Hey Lois, you remember when I was the 3rd Hardy Boy?

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it.

dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead? Uh, This last one won't open. Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit. Like, uh, Like this? Ah, Here, let me get it. Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead.

Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!

(SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

Oh. Oh, I just got it. Hey! Hey, Armey. Hey--hey, What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"? Nah, I'm kidding, you guys. Hey--hey, Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar.

I mean, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? I'd love to. God, he works fast. Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket? Do you want to say 9:00? Sure. See you then.

I don't know, Lois. I tried my best.

I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good, then.

Are you Peter Griffin? Yes, sir, I am. I represent the man whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday. You've piqued my interest. Go on. Unfortunately for you, that man is very, very Jewish and is suing you for everything you've got, including the falcon. No! Not Xerxes!

That frigid old cow lives in quahog.

Not in front of the baby!

These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard. I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter. Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? Have the towel boy bring you another. Oh, I don't want to bother him.

Well, Mr. Goldman, we've ruled out foul play. It looks like it was just a case of faulty wiring. Well, you're still gonna have to buy something. This is rubble, not a library. Okay, well... I'm sorry for your loss,

ahh! Hmm. Uh-oh. FiRe! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry. I'll put it out. ahh! Hey, Great show out there. Look, If you want an autograph right now,

It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write?

I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan.

they just walk out into the snow and die. (GROWLING) Then the reindeer eat them, which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a bloodlust for elf flesh.

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh. Well, I fixed the power line.

Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide! I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich, whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny! (SNEEZES) (GASPS)

That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law. But you, Meg, you're going to jail.

Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler. Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it!

Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things. Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back.

But luckily, when I'm hung over, I can just molt into another Peter. (GROANS) Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, but for the next ten minutes, I'll be very vulnerable to predators. (LION ROARS) (GASPS) Mountain lion. Make yourself look big!

Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back. And once our injuries heal up, we can all go for a nice, long walk. All right! Yeah! Wait a minute... (ALL LAUGHING) (SINGING THEME SONG) Joke's on you

I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you! I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly.

This puts me in a tough spot. Joe, you can't possibly believe this. You know who Peter is.

Come on, that's right, you bastard. Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard. Mort, give me the paper.

Unlimited free gas for a year? Just 'cause I threatened to sue you? Well, that, and you're not the worst-looking guy who's ever come in here. That's what I wanted to hear. Wow, Peter, a free gas card. This could save us a lot of money.

Hey, put skinny back up there.

but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here! Dinner's almost ready, kids. Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears... except you're not a fat guy.

Paris is lovely, and Nice sure is nice And Marseille is charming with champagne on ice But you, stinky Frenchman, haven't a clue Pew, stinky Frenchman, frog you ANNOUNCER: Hey There, Fruity. ALL: Hey there, fruity You can do my hair

You guys are yanking me. Hey, Let's put one over on old Quagmire. No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God!

Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin? Ok. and Then I got on Suddenly Susan, And that was, like, really cool. And I still do standup. And people laugh and give me money, and that's also cool. Isn't this great catching up? Oh. Anyway, I was in college-- She's still talking. I don't get it. I poured it in her drink. His name was Steve Rock. It was really cool.

Actually, I took the toll roads. Privately built. Way smoother than the crumbling public road system. Yeah, Lois. Government sucks at doing stuff. Oh, no, toll roads sound great. Too bad only the very rich can afford to use them. I agree with Lois. Well, maybe more people could if the government wasn't taxing the bejesus out of them. Now I agree with Rush.

(PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC) I see the sparkling little diamond On your hand

Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up! Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game. Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, My God! Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! - Look, buddy, I--i-- - Move! A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

(PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear.

...suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody.

Maybe you should go bark at a tree and chew on your balls for an hour. You know, that's the problem. That's usually the way I'd handle this kind of thing, but not this time. I mean, look at that dog over there. You think he wants to be tied to that chair waiting in the hot sun while his owner gets ice cream? Hell, no! I am gonna make people see that an animal's life is just as important as a human's!

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing!

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot. You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust.

Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.

Shut up! May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife. (PANTING) (CHATTERING)

This is the area code for Juarez, Mexico. He's trying to get over the border! You think so? Definitely. There's only one road into Juarez, and it goes through El Paso. We got to get to El Paso. Joe, how do you know the area code for Juarez, Mexico? There was a stem cell doctor I went down there to see. He just rubbed, like, salsa on my legs.

Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

This is the 21st century. People are tolerant. Well, this is nothing. Probably just a random act of violence. I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. (LAUGHS)

come back and have big hero party with many virgins.

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book. Yes, the fat man's going to Hell. And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity.

That should be me everyone's talking about! Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in the dream right now! That's right. You are in a dream, children, which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me, Freddy Kroiger. Ha! Ha!

Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range.

Killer in the house. Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler, I wouldn't be afeared. Oh, Peter, that's good. I know, Lois. Hey, guys, has anybody seen James?

So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (INAUDIBLE) P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people.

Oh, my God, I thought you... I didn't think this was a date. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed! Hey, it's 10:30! I suggest you take your dope and go elsewhere! I'm sorry, Meg. I think you're great, and I love hanging out with you, but there's something you should know. I'm gay. You are?

Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

Hi, Artoo! You wanna come play? CLEVELAND: Sure! Here I am on Tatooine Jumping Double Dutch like you never seen I know my way around a rope LOIS: Help me, Obi-Wan You're my only hope CONSUELA: Yes? Hi, we have a message for Jabba the...

Well, Patrick, I guess we all owe you an apology. Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face.

(GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

They're on your side of the bed. Oh, say that again. (LAUGHING PLAYFULLY) But I want you to keep talking to me in that sexy voice while we do it. Okay, great. Let's pretend you're a tollbooth worker and I'm molesting you. Okay. I don't have any change. Now take off that parka. Uh, uh, uh.

I can't believe I just showed everyone my tater tots. Worst of all, now I'm gonna have a police record. Now Meg, If you're gonna grab a hold of life,

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this. See, it's not fair to Brian. What about me, Lois. I love you, too. And--And the other thing is, Lois, uh, hi, he's a dog. Please. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. You know, I will always love you, but I made a commitment to Brian.

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

Red, green, blue, green, blue, blue Then you put in words I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

And if you find yourself With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis So they sent this little warning

What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? (GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop!

Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor. Should we go upstairs? Sounds good to me.

"And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said,

Yeah. Don't touch that.

Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up!

Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji in yesterday's travel section? (SIGHS) I wish I was Beyonce. Peter, I think maybe you should go back and have that doctor undo whatever he did. I mean, you're not gay. (STEWIE MUTTERING) What? I said homosexuality is wrong.

Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good. Prosecutor, call your first witness.

Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time, I've got this bowl of cornflakes, and I gotta be at work at 9:00. So what are we gonna do here? Not so fast. Did you know you'd have to eat 17 bowls of those cornflakes to get the same nutritional value in one bowl of Total? Say, that's a lot easier than eating 17 bowls!

What a joke. So stupid. And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Tony Danza and Sylvester Stallone in What?

Y-y-You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom. Well, Peter, you start like this. Like this? Yeah. Now add a little turn and do a buck and wing. Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing.

Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

Come on, guys. Really? Let's go. What the hell's going on up there? (SNORING) What? Yep. Yep.

Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. I tried to call! I can't get through. The line's always busy! It's ridiculous. You can go wait in the appointment line, then. I know! I don't wanna wait! Sir, I can't help you.

I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk. My God! Is that Meg?

Hold it right there, Lois, you are under arrest. Oh, crap. A-All right, look, just--just take it easy, Joe. All right, Lois will go peacefully. Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed.

Haw! Oh, that was great! Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus. - Enos. - What'd I say? Anus.

I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle. Childhood obesity.

Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle!

You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface.

Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses. I got to put in my contacts. By the way, the repair shop called. They said they can't fix your camera. Well, that's just great, Lois. That's great. And here I was going to use the money to take you to Cancun this winter. "Cancun," Peter. Whoa! Whoa! I don't like Ollie any more than you do, but we are a 21st-century family,

I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

Let's go, "overcoming adversity"! Show me "women I gave the clap to"! oh! And the Harvest Festival Parade theme is-- "The episode of Who's the Boss? "where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower." Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable!

Bathroom's down the hall to the right. If you ever come home and there's a tie on the door, it means I'm frogging someone, so give me at least a couple hours. You smoke? Stewie, what are you doing here?

Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad! Maybe we should go now.

All right, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie. This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie.

Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Ah, Brian. I am glad you could come to my faculty cocktail party.

Hey, listen, sister, I just... (FARTING) I'm sorry.

(ROARING) All right, Peter. We're closing in. Get ready to fire. (EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity!

I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark. West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret

Which will allow you safe passage across the chasm without end. But first, you must solve our riddle. All right. Well, we got to get to the North Pole and kill Santa. So, let's hear it. The riddle is this. A father and his son are in a car crash. The father is killed and the son is taken to the hospital in critical condition.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS) This trash? Trash? What? No, that's a functioning lamp. No. Is okay. I take home. What the hell is happening right now?

You're the best!

So I'll wish upon a star Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew

We only live to kiss your ass Kiss it? Hell, We'll even wipe it for you. From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy! We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate Can I see that pamphlet, siR?

We women have so much strength inside us. If we can endure the pain of childbirth,

What's Family Guy?

Hold out your stockings, kids!

WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should. (PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here.

You want to remove us from the area? Yes, ma'am. This criminal will stop at nothing to find your son. So We're placing your family in the witness protection program. Oh, Is Europe an option? I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English. You know, Slacking off a bit, but really getting to know myself.

(MIMICKING PROBE DROID)

I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo. Are you sure you want to delete this program? Yes. Bring me my mid-season replacement fool! Hi there. I want to hear some jokes, fool! Well, you know, I don't really tell jokes.

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast!

You're a 14-year-old boy, and you belong in school. Why, so I can get a job someday? I already have a job. Chris, we're not gonna allow you to do this. I seem to remember somebody saying the breadwinner makes the rules. Well, I'm the breadwinner. And you know what? I like being a grown-up, and I wanna stay this way!

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him. I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Ok, you can go to jail with him!

Chris, he's just a baby. Oh, And you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again? Hmm? The University of Duh? I can help you with your homework, son. Oh, My God! Is there nothing you people can't do? I mean, you know, other than manual labor. Peter, what a ridiculous thing to say!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Hot Dog Eating Championship Competition!

Don't you see, Lois? I fell in love with you all over again. And, look, now we just had the best sex in years because of it. I know. It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp. To me it just proves that we're truly meant to be together.

That's right. The procedure would kill you. (LAUGHING) That car's getting towed! My God, Dr. Hartman, isn't there any other way? I'm afraid not, Mrs. Griffin. BRIAN: I'll do it.

I'm really worried about her, Mr. Pewterschmidt... and I figured I'd come to you since you were always good at reeling her in. Well, Lois was always a wild stallion... but don't worry. I know how to control her. And I'll help you... but first, you have to do something for me. Eat this pine cone.

Huh. Didn't realize Greenberg was a Jedi name.

I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment. Well, What are we gonna do?

Well, Well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead! Oh, Good. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

Where the hell is my gavel?

Well, no, not right now we don't, no. But if the poo were to be removed... I'm not following you. If the poo were to be removed... What does that... What are you driving at? Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind.

Oh, have you not heard?

Yeah, you're gonna be here a while. Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag. And I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?

In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company.

Oh! Oh--oh-Oh, this is just great! Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband? Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be.

I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat.

Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away. Well, have fun. You two are a really cute couple. Hey, Desiree. Oh! Hey, Lee. Brian, this is Lee. Lee, this is Brian. I know Lee from Starbucks.

but all it did was shriek and poop out half-digested mice. Well, then, I guess there's only one thing I can do to regain your love. Who wants a brand-new Xbox? Yay! Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God! You're the best father ever! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Daddy!

We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house, so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Peter, do something! You know, Meg being captured by evil men reminds me of another story. It's distracting. Um, this is the story of my ancestor Nate Griffin. Of course, Nate Griffin was his slave name. His real name was Richard Bachman.

Very good, sir. (FARTING)

Oh, Lois, there you are. Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you for letting us have the wedding here. Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here? Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem. Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night.

Also the porn is free, but we have to watch it in the lobby. All right. Look, Brian, I realize it's not the Bellagio, but I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Yeah, I know. I know. And, come on, it's not the worst place. Look, the bloody handprint on that wall is giving a thumbs-up. That's not a thumbs-up. That's a hand with a penis in it.

Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value?

it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit. Man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. Always makes me feel so stupid. More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car? Damn it! Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Hey, sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir! Oh, screw you!

Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.

Oh, my. Tomatoes are $3.99 a pound. That's so high. Isn't that high? It seems so high.

I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit. Be careful, Meg. (MEG SCREAMING) I hate you all! Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that.

uh, w-well, It's a little warm in here, you know? "Don we now our gay apparel" Doesn't get much gayer than this. Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree.

- Let's just go to the bar. - Sounds good.

But, when you see where I'm taking you, you're gonna change your mind. Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what... Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!

All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute.

And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it,

Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor--

(FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me. He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket. Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor. You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No. Do you want me to dig around and see if...

Is that what you think? You stole him from me?

Laugh and cry He's a family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rodney King of Queens. Rodney, did you take out the trash? Um, I forgot. (GROANING)

Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

if there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier.

Only the ones I'm about to ask to Friendly's for a Fribble. Well, I don't really have any plans this afternoon. Carol, given your present situation, it's possible that dating might not be such a good idea right now. Actually, Lois, I think it's exactly what I need.

All right, from this moment forward, nobody leaves the group.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around... Whoa, whoa, big guy. You're probably never even gonna see him again.

Actually, Charlie's got the high score.

Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing,

I knew there was something about this date. September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland. It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean thanks to the efforts of newly-elected Mayor Lois Griffin. We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story. Thanks, Tom. Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog, and we're here with their reactions.

I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.

(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion. But abortion helps me get my homework done. And sometimes I abort in my sleep! What am I supposed to do about that? Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body.

Is there something on my elbow or... First, me first, me first. Peter, I'm going first! Oh, no, you don't! Move your ass, Peter! You move yours! I made reservations with the maitre d'. Isn't that right, Cornelius? Lois Griffin, poop for one.

What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks.

What the hell was thaT?

Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Glen, would you mind holding Stewie? Heh, heh. Said and done. Well, Hey there, spud with the mud. Oh, Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua VeLVA? Hi, Lois. You've got our voteS. Thank you, Cleveland. Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Lebeau. She actually opposes background checks for new teachers! God knows who she might hirE.

You know the exam's in three hours? Ah, crap! All we've done is work out. - We should study. - Right.

Peter, I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings. That's almost everything we have. What the hell was it for? I bought some local TV airtime, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance. Thank you.

I mean, I am in love. That's it. I am in love. I finally understand those songs on the radio. What did you think f would do at this moment

You jackass. Those women were coming on to you and you blew it.

...but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet.

Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

All right, this is more like it. Way better than that lame-ass college joint. Yeah, finally a terrible Boston bar with a giant low-def TV. Let's go, Celtics! I think that's The Dr. Oz Show. What are you talking about? This is the last scene of Independence Day. Hey, look, even the bartender's low-def. Hey, what can I get you fellas?

Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl. Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door? Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Don't you know all the world loves to laugh

Everyone I've told about the file is dead. What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"?

I'm... God! Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Ice now, heat later. I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush." JOE: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire?

Well, I guess I better get busy. Ahh!

Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, the greatest movie of all time. I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that? (OMINOUS MUSIC) (SCREAMING)

Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie, honey, where are you? Peter, I can't find him anywhere.

Thanks, honey. The safety word is "banana." - I love you. - ugh!

Let's just say the car was a steal. Say that again. The car was a steal. This time without winking. The car was a steal. Wink. Peter. Look, Lois. We had a broken car. I did "something," and now we have a new car. Look, I said I'd handle it, and I did.

- One. - One. Four, zero, one. Yes. Five, five, five. Five. Five. Five. That was painless. Okay. One, one, two, five. One, one, two, five. There you go, you got it. One, five, five.

No, Chris. I'm gonna go get our old mom back. If I'm the one who made her feel this way, then I'm the one who's got to fix it. Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, ugly!

Sure. How about this?

Guys, I got some great news! My dad's coming to visit. (EXCLAIMS) Hide the women! So, we're finally gonna get to meet the man of a thousand vaginas. That's right. You think I've been with a lot of broads. My dad's eaten more pie than Kirstie Alley. (LAUGHING) What? Anyway, the Navy is honoring him at this year's Naval Ball for all his bravery in Vietnam.

Yeah. You guys talk about this place all the time. We figured we'd give it a try. Bernice, we haven't really been dating long enough for you to be hanging out with my friends' wives. - Shut up, Cleveland! - Okay. (EXCLAIMS) Check it out, girls. Jukebox, huh? Hey, you guys want to dance? Yeah, totally. Hell, yeah.

It seems today that all you see

I don't even want to look at his face.

I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address.

Hey, princess. I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know? (SNIFFLING) Oh, God, you hear that?

- What in the world was that for? - Oh, it's a guy. That's for ruining our son. He used to be a sweet boy until he heard your music.

Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex?

You're sure this is okay? Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat. All right, Brian, Peter's coming in. I'll relax him by using my catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING )

And now to test my teleportation pods.

Did you like the movie? Well, that's not the point. Did you like the movie? Well, of course, I loved the movie, but, look, I'm no writer, but if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it. So, you didn't like the eagle. Well, no, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful,

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

I don't know why Lois always said she had problems with female co-workers. So Abby, Elaine and Janet have their little lunch clique, and of course I'm not invited. Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing. Well, I don't know, but what I do know is that in the staff meeting, Christina said... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. ...my inventory system wasn't feasible. She's obviously threatened by you. But when the associate sales manager came back in the room... It's ridiculous and I support you fully.

Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Well, I loved this book.

(ROARING) People, you are free! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter!

Oh, don't worry about it, so am I. This whole block is S.O.'s. We use the abbreviation "S.O's" because it saves a lot of time over saying "Sex Offender," because that's all we talk about. Well, I'm also into football. Don't care. No time for F.B. All about S.O. Make no mistake, Florida is the South's trash can.

You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.

(GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg. Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class. Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you, it wasn't at home. Was it, Chris? No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me. Oh, I should have figured.

- Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole. Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom. You must be the one she had that fender bender with. Well, I got to meet Nicole, so I prefer to think of it as a happy accident.

she may just be trying to get one for free. No, actually, she doesn't want a seeing-eye dog. She hates dogs. What? She doesn't like dogs. She's just not a dog person. What? Does she not know you're a dog? How is that possible? Well, we haven't done anything yet. (STAMMERING) So, I'm just gonna avoid touching her until a little more time has passed.

What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't his absence slightly odd?

Please, I beg you. Carter, what you did was unforgivable.

(SNIFFING) Um, what is that? Daddy? Did you, um, use the bathroom this morning? Yeah. And did you remember to clean up afterwards? Uh, no. I was hoping you would... - Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay.

Brian tried to have sex with me. Was he bigger than me?

Peter, what's going on? I'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead. Yeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike. Boy, I had so much fun playing with that. More tea, Mr. Bike? Peter, this is ridiculous. You're going to be fine. Dad, the doctor called.

I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

Well, it's getting on my nerves. Like, right now, you are the most annoying thing in my life, with the possible exception of Evite.

(STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home. What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet. The Emmys are on tonight.

Biscuit! Brian, your mama gave you up because she thought you'd have a better life if she let you go.

Yeah. No, let's keep going.

(SHOWER RUNNING) Who's in the shower? Is it Donny? No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill. Merrill's right here. Well, where's Jimmy? Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard. Is it Marie? No, no one's in there. So the shower's just running with no one in there?

- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop.

Alaska? But that's so far away! And what about the high percentage of Eskimo child molesters? Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?

Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!

What is this? Makeup? Why are you wearing makeup? (GASPING) Chicken pox! Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare.

If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

You should've told me... You should've told me... Wait here, I'm gonna get directions to the nearest park, so we can give my mother a proper burial. Come on, darling. Stiff upper lip.

Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here. (BEEPS) Oh, look at that. There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years. (ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you.

Well, it's become clear. The only way to avert this disaster is by writing a strongly-worded letter to the black hole. "Dear Space. Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you? "You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate. "Well, you're not gonna be so tough "when I put a fish bowl on my head and a rocket pack on my back,

Everybody, look at the snow in the yard And who could forget... I bought these gifts for you They're up in my bum And everyone's favorite...

She said she'll be out in a minute!

The man in white. Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!

There you two are! We waited for you for four hours! Where the hell have you been? Look, Lois, I know you're mad. But I think this will prove that I did the right thing. I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodies who brought the bird flu to Quahog.

The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished!

Oh. Hey. Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her--

Stop! All wrong! All wrong!

Oh, my God! You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse? Come on, get up! Knock off your napping It's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen There's a chair that freakin' talks! Hey look! There's some fish that give advice Holy crap! It's screwy

I can't feel a thing. Hey, what are those guys doing? Those are the McMurphy brothers. They've been circling that same spot for 50 years, just daring each other to throw the first punch. Just you try it. Oh, I'll try it. Just you try it. You'll feel it when I try it. - I'd like to see you have at it. - Would you now?

Okay, when you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you shoot them. All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman, and then run when the Taliban show up. No, you shoot the Taliban! Not Pat Tillman. Got it? Got it. You sure? Yep. All right. Hey, you know where I can find Pat Tillman? Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife? Of course I deny it. I loved my wife.

A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby. I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest. You're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter. No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law.

Like, literally no idea. I don't know what a hollaback girl is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47-year-old fish dog. Andy, I think you know why I've called you in here today.

Peter, it's been eight hours, and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! Ass ball! Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side. Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive.

(WHISPERING) Two friends building a house together. Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary. Wow, a Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music, so I thought you might appreciate it.

But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.

All right. Make like Siamese twins and split, and then one of you die. When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice. Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"!

There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for. (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I could not find the clock.

Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed. I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can...

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois. It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone. I, uh,

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

Okay, I got one. Who would you rather do? Lois or Bonnie? Well, Bonnie has a moisture issue. So does Lois. Punch Lois in the back of the head. She just black out or is there a chance she might have a seizure? I don't know.

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast! Damn it! Come on, you! Get up! Come on!

but I think I have some trouble with my prostate. So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy? What, so you can sue me, too? Oh, come on, it'll only take a sec. Forget it. I'm a doctor, not a patsy. Hello.

Look, There's a reason I'm in charge here, all right? I'm the one who knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town. And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out!

But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend, Chris. That's okay, Dad. Yeah, Chris, I never asked you. What did Lindsey say when you broke up with her? She didn't seem to mind. I think she already moved on to someone else. Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn. You're welcome. And you're dismissed. Do I still get to keep the 20?

Okay, Brian, I'm going to the IGA. Don't let Peter get into the cookie dough. Yeah, sure. Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and look at something. Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something.

and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here! Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya. Listen to you! You don't know your own kids.

Maybe we should've jumped on that truck. Stewie and Brian are taking a train home. Jeez, Can we not talk about curtains for 2 seconds? I got another one of those relationship tapes. $49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE.

Briggs got away, and I've been in this wheelchair ever since. I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.

Uh, He's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-Maybe you've seen him. His name is Chris Griffin. Wait A sec, you know, I think I got a picture of him somewhere. Here you go. Yeah, You can go ahead and hang on to that. I got a ton of them at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway, 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Commitment! Oh, Midge, you're my 3rd best friend in the whole world. 3rd? Who are the first 2? Ben and Jerry. Lifetime, television for idiots. Peter, did you take the money from the family jar? Who, me? Yes, me.

That's right. Without government,

Sorry about that. Bad girl, Holly. No jumpies! Oh, it's... It's quite all right. Wow, okay, this is ridiculous. And you go here. You, you naughty little wire, you're supposed to be over here. How did you get over there? Oh, yeah. Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak.

taking all this in, cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight,

It's Ok. It's ok. Shh. Oh, No! Peter! Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house!

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING) (SCREAMS) Sheldon. What are you doing?

(DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.

Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it.

Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.

What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on. Mmm-hmm. The black dolphins. See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down. I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson. And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton.

Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!" I don't know any more vegetables. Wait a second, hang on there. The way you abused that man just now, the way you treated your lesser... I underestimated you, Pewterschmidt. I thought you were just some suck-up loser,

First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way. Peter, it's the male equivalent of a woman getting her tubes tied,

What? Oh, my God!

Sorry, that was the booze, not you.

Give her the web site. StewieGriffinFacial.com. No, no, no, that's something else. It's StewieGriffin FacialCleanser.com. Hey, listen, Mr. Barrington, your granddaughter ain't no tease, right? 'Cause Chris really wants to get in there. Oh, you're a funny guy, Griffin. I like that. Well, you should hear my prank phone calls.

(TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn!

Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter! Dad, you're pretty, like a girl. You look like a totally different person. Oh, This is crazy! You walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your... Oh, my! I--I liked you the way you were.

Step right up. Step right up. You won't believe your eyes.

Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion.

Our apologies, sir. I should imagine so. Now if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct. (CREAKING) Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose. If I should die, I just want you to know that they might find some things.

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

Great, Lois. Just...great. You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you... lubed up...toothpaste in my...cherry... Episcopalian... extension cord... wetness... with a parking ticket. That is the best.

Yeah. That always cracked me up. So, you read a lot, huh? Yeah, but I try not to let it interfere with my biomolecular research. Biomolec... I don't understand. Come on. I'll show you what I did yesterday.

See, the mailbox is like a time portal. Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later. What the fuck?

Yeah. I guess it's all right, though.

MURIEL: And your back! And my back! My back, yes! (GROANS) All right, it looks like we're stuck here. Storm has flooded the causeway, and the bridge is destroyed. For the moment, there's no way out.

Let the game begin! All right, Dad! Go, Peter! Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

Next on your list, you want to learn to ballroom dance.

One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.

Come on, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?

Now, would that be cash or check? Drop by Cherrywood this evening. I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account. Ah, Very good, sir. You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right.

Oh... I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lois. BOTH: Mmm... By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute, 'cause our phone bill was $7,000.

Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain

I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster. Oh, darn it. Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS) How about me, sir? Am I too fat to ride? No, you don't seem to be. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Well, you got to hand it to him. He had a dream and he made it happen. That's what the Wright brothers did.

No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.

Aw, yeah! He was a loser then, and he's a loser now. We used to kid this guy all the time. Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy!

Name one. I want a hamburger. I have a sudden craving for quail. No, no! You're missing the point!

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS)

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts.

You know, I get off at 4:00. I might just be up for a movie.

I don't know, boys. He's in rough shape. Doctor, you've got to do something for him. It's Christmas Eve! Christmas is the problem. He can't keep this pace up anymore. If he goes out tonight, he'll die.

You must be Autumn Daniels. Welcome to Barncliffe school for girls. We're your roommates. I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.

My Brothers, we need to stand togethER-- Excuse me!

Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

(GROANS) An entire week and still no teeth. And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony. Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that? That's Jillian. She's... She... She has this eating disorder.

Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass! Ew! Hey, Brian. You want some Stewie jerky? Oh, God, that is disgusting.

LOIS: Peter Griffin! All right, Chris, have a seat. Your date will be here any minute. In fact, I think she'll be coming through that door. (IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.

You should be happy!

Gonna buy me a rainbow Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow

Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth. My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

STEWIE: This is Quahog, Brian. Same year, same time. But in this universe, Christianity never existed. Which means the Dark Ages of scientific repression never occurred and thus, humanity is 1,000 years more advanced.

(SCREAMING) Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my tree house. Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? I'll remind you that I was invited here.

Dear me, it's almost 3:00. I've got to get this shipment of sugar cane, tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end. That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag.

Why not, Lois? He's The Juice. One of the greatest football players ever. Peter, he murdered two people. What? He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. Simpson? Yes. Was this in the news? Yes, Peter. It was all over the news.

Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? (SCREAMING) Where's the money, man? Where's my money?

except contracting AIDS because AIDS had not yet been invented by the government in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community. ALL: Have gun, will travel reads the card of a man A knight without armor in a savage land Okay, I got another one.

Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning. Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages."

Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor.

Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture? Let me go, man! Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is! I don't know. I lost it.

You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here. (SCREAMING) Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation.

Do you think we could find it? We have to, Chris. We gotta eat something besides what they're feeding us. I know what you mean, Dad. I'm so hungry I could eat this dead camper. Holy crap! Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet,

I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Please, don't kill me. I'm not married. My life is awesome. I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to lift yourself into a wheelchair every morning? To have your wife look at you like you're half a man? To get preferential parking?

Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

ANNOUNCER: And now back to One Tree Hill. Dude, let me tell you something. There is nothing that'll ever happen in the rest of our lives that's as important as what's going on right here, right now, in high school, by these lockers. I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake.

All right! We did it! Let's get the hell out of here. Stupid, greedy savages! Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their way. But most Native Americans are proud, hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.

You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.

Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!

because I really do care about you, and I feel like we had a connection. But I can't get over the fact that you lied to me. You screwed up, Brian. And now you're going to have to watch me walk out that door.

Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow!

You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this.

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley... and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.

Go, girl! All right! One's an innie, and one's an outie.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would do everything to her. I don't care what she looks like. I would wreck that chick.

(ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson!

Wrong! He had a heart of gold. You're going down. Your husband's in here, ma'am. Lois!

Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

Mom, she's so sad and lonely. Look who the fuck's talking. I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's just that she's my sister. No wonder her husbands all left her.

Just forget it, all right? I just want to sit here, watch the ball game and have a few beers. MAN 1: It's ball three, low and outside to Ramirez. MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base. MAN 1: The crowd's enjoying it, and it looks like the umpire's gonna let them finish. CLEVELAND: (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie. What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

(AWKWARDLY) Oh... Okay, we're gonna move on now.

(MISPRONOUNCING) How could I have been so myopic? Myopic. Thank you, Lauren!

Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working.

Why are you turning me the other way? I'm still here! Scotty Jennings? Oh, my God! I know she was upset, but do you think Lois would've gone so far as to kidnap him? Of course she did. She'll do anything for attention. I know. She's like the boy who cried wolf. (BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help!

You should, uh... Be, uh, you... You should be a producer. A producer? Gee, I don't know. Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever!

Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin! Look! That's Mom!

She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire. Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money. Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation. No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure!

It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy! Peter Griffin, temporarily suspended C.P.R... Holy crap! We should go. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up.

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape. You got the stuff?

Why don't you come out to Martha's Vineyard and watch me accept my award? Wow, does that sound wonderful.

(VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me. Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.

Where are we gonna go? I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham. All right! Fudgie the Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost!

Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped. HEy, JoE, Where are you going? I'm going camping for the weekend with Johnny- Cut-Corners. You guys want to come along? Hmm. It would be nice to get out of the house. This is the time of the month when Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo.

- BRIAN: Yeah! - STEWIE: Oh, God! Ugh! He can't hurt you anymore. Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we?

Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

- Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

All right. Listen to me, you long-neck bastard! You give me the scroll, and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcakE.

Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck! All right, this is ridiculous. I need some help here. Hey, Quagmire? QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter.

All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealing with here. Oh, crap! You smell that? That's brain smell. Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place.

I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi? Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women.

I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman. It's against my religion. Believe me, Neil, it's no thrill for the pig to touch a Jew either. Okay, how about you, Meg, how are you doing? Pretty good. It's kind of cool cutting something that's not me. Wow, that's some very impressive work. It's easy for Meg to dissect a pig because she is a pig.

There's a penny underneath that couch. Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway.

so he actually appointed us honorary spies in a special ceremony back in the '80s. Dan, Chevy, you are hereby named honorary spies for the United States of America. Thank you, Mr. President. Thanks, Dutch.

at least it will be in a second. WOMAN: Black Jesus Jerome? What the... What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers

Well, I mean, there's this little hole. It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect. And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then. No, no, the hole's only 2 meters across.

Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

(SHOUTING) What?

a smart, sexy, real person who I can talk with and share every piece of me with. I had a moment of weakness today, but, in a way, it's all right because it's taken me to a place where I now realize that you're not too old for me. Isn't that great? You're not too old for me! You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me.

I know, it... Wait. Where's the other me? Oh, um... What? Where is the Stewie you came with? Oh, well, these thugs came to shoot you, and I tried to throw myself in front of the bullet, but it must have gone, like, under my armpit or something 'cause it exploded your face. Wait, what about the other me?

You're getting wet. Well, I'm living life before the cancer I have kills me, so I don't mind the rain. Water feels good on my skin. It's cool, refreshing, and it's a great way to stay in shape. What kind of cancer? It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Hi, folks. Just thought I'd stop by and make sure your equipment is working properly and see if you have any questions. Yeah, is something wrong with our remote? No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do? Thank you. I think we're good. Everything seems to be going well. Okay, great. Well, I'm just gonna change out the card on your unit real quick,

Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. "Today he was out in the yard raking leaves.

We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right. You spent all that time trying to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder. JuST Help me up!

Hmm. Interesting. I suppose we don't really have an outspoken female character on the show. Damn right, you don't. Could be a possible breakout if we play it right. All right, Karina, we'll try it your way and see what happens. (CHUCKLES) Good luck. She'll be gone in three episodes.

(INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better.

They detached the human component from the machine.

Well, dig in, everyone! Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow! MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more?

ft is a thrill to watch him dig a ditch or mr a jug of water or participate in a hunt. Cut. Print. Gay. What's going on? Peter paid the villagers to reenact the "Contest" episode of Seinfeld. " am out. Huh? I am out. I have pleasured myself.

And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell

Oh, And that cockadoodie smiley face you use to dot it! You sicken me! I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you. Ahh!

Well, I mean, that may be a little harsh. I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party. I just smoked the wrong side ofa cigarette! Who wants to go swimming? This song is about me! Look, Brian, Peter is a jerk.

Victory is mine! aah! God damn it. UGh.

- You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up.

It's okay, Lois. Daddy's just taking your temperature. What? What is it? I heard a noise downstairs. (SIGHS) I'll go have a look. It's probably just the wined. The wind, dear. Is that how you say that? I've only seen that word written.

ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game. HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following: "The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" A little spending money? I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr

You heard me. I'm a member of your tribe. And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe. Whoa, Whoa. Wait a second. Not so fast. Tell me of your history, of your past. Oh, I come from a long line of, um, you people. My great-grandfather's name was--was Jeep Grand Cherokee. Uh, I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee.

Everybody, I got bad news. We've been cancelled. Oh no, Peter, how could they do that? Well, Unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That Eighties Show,

Why are you-- No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides. Why are-- Why--

(CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws. Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together.

Hook up with me! Come on! We can make this work. Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird.

Oh, I'll give you something to write about! Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya! Ahh! Ahh! Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

Oh, wait, I totally have rockets in my skis. And now I just sit back, relax and watch my progress.

Look at you all. Look what you're doing. Why, you're no better than what you made me out to be. Sure, I made some mistakes in my life. I forget to take the trash out some days, I've left the toothpaste cap on the bathroom counter. I've taped football games without the express written consent of the National Football League.

in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty. For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING)

So, listen, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. What's that? Do you ever think about having another baby? I don't know. I guess I'm open to it. Really? Oh, that's great! So, I'll get off the pill... What do you mean? Nothing. Nothing. Forget it.

Aw, Man! Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med. Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap! Look at this place. This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow.

Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals,

That girl over there, that's Chris' girlfriend!

As far as I'm concerned, that casts doubt.

(GASPS) Eli. Eli? What are you doing here? I could not let you leave without me, Meg. I love you. I love you, too.

(SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING) (GROANS)

Kid, You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry. It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha! Peter, Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here. Yeah. Let's hit the bar, huh? Oh, Come on. There's worse things in life than rain.

Shut up, Pelosi. Are you here to take my baby? No, I'm here to strap you to a board, put a cloth in your mouth, and pour water over it to simulate the sensation of drowning. Yeah! Traditional values!

Look who's got pimples. And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy! I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before.

Lois, I got something better. You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island.

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you? I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you. Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah! Suddenly, I'm not so fat, huh?

She's gone, Jillian's gone. Look, Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend?

Come on, Peter.

No, he died last night. Oh, phew. All right, guys, one more out and the game is ours. Come on, Horace! Strike him out!

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!

Hey, baby. Hi, Stewie. What the hell are you doing? Not much, really. Just me and my pubes hanging out. Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day. So am I. (STRETCHING) I just kind of feel like kicking it tonight.

Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite. Oh, Really? I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns. Good morning, Brian. My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter?

Okay, look, next time we'll go to another store. How about that? Just forget it, all right? I just want to sit here, watch the ball game and have a few beers. MAN 1: It's ball three, low and outside to Ramirez. MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base. MAN 1: The crowd's enjoying it,

And I helped! Kids, where's your father? yee... haw! Oh! Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm blending in. Relax, Lois, It's not our house.

Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home. HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter. HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen.

Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here.

The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! No toys, Stewie. Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!

That's the family that adopted Anna Lee. Hey, wait. Wait, guys! Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk. Boy, you are good. You are really good.

We'll put, "No more tears" on the label. But it does make you cry. I know. (BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY) (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) Lois, you should just let those wounds get infected. It'll teach him a lesson about being tough. Peter, he's just a baby. You got to let this go.

I am gonna be so humiliated. Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

No room? Joseph, what are we gonna do? Don't worry. I got this covered. No rooms, eh? Well, perhaps you have a room for my good friend fistful of sand. Where's your money? I spent it on sand. I'm sorry, I can't help you. But, sir, please, my wife is with child and about to give birth.

I told you not to shoot. Well, you're not in charge. I am. Well, I'm steering. No, I'm steering. No, I am. I have a steering wheel. So do I. There's two. Well, that's stupid. I know. I know, too. That's why I said it. Oh! We lost them. This is going in my report. No, it's going in my report.

Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there? Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier? I said all that stuff. God! Let's not-- Let's not rule anything out.

So who wants to come back to the hotel and take a whack at my genitals? Cool! Awesome! All right, we got a ball game. Hang on, girls. I'll get you a couple appletinis. This is going great, Frank. This club and these clothes, my God, there's nothing that can stop us.

(SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS)

but you really don't remember anything? Not really, Mom. I mean, one minute, I was being proposed to by a handsome Arabian prince, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a French hospital. Oh, and we heard from Ruth's parents. She had her tongue ripped out. (CHUCKLES) I guess we got off easy, huh? Well, we put all your mail on the desk in your room, sweetheart.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, Quahog is now completely government-free, which means I'm free of all broadcast regulations. So no more trips to the bathroom for this reporter, just a big-ass coffee can under the desk.

He sticks his fanny in the air. We have liftoff. We have liftoff. (LAUGHING) Come here, James. What the hell are we doing? Quagmire, since when do you like cats? Since I found this little guy living under my house. I'll tell you this.

Call it hell, call it heaven Call it hell, call it heaven It's a probable 12 to 7 It's a probable 12 to 7 That the guy's only doing it for some doll That the guy's only doing it for some doll Some doll, some doll Some doll, some doll The guy's only doing it for some doll The guy's only doing it for some doll

Hi there. Britney Spears. You mind ifl go in? Not at all, Miss Spears. Call me Peter. Hey there, fellas. Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers...

Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food. What? She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich. Come on, dude! Yes. Okay. But the thing was five minutes past the throw-out time. Well, be that as it may, Shawanda took these pictures on her cell phone.

Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something.

You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere... of something exactly like this that leads me to believe this probably won't work. All right, Stewie. Let her rip. All right... we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

Look, James, your last movie was killer at the box office. Your q-rating is through the roof. It's time we ditched the W.B. and concentrate on features. sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice. Oh. Will you sign my ass? Do You have a pen?

Oh, boy, it's okay, R2, calm down, be cool. I ain't done nothing to antagonize nobody. What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more? I got rights, too. Who's there? (SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING) (GROANS)

Hey. Hey! Psst!

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it.

It is what it is.

(CAT YOWLING) No need to thank us. It's what we do. Who the hell are you guys?

All right, who's next for a flu shot? Oh, that's me. I'm Peter Griffin. Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply. We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here. Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there,

Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here! They stink of good cheer, Lois! After we've had our fill of bread and wine,

Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... I'm telling you how it's done. They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich!

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety.

W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs! That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny.

"Dear Red, if you've come this far, "maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?"

Wassup? Can I get 2 slices of pepperonI?

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad.

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there!

But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me.

That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois.

Yeah, I think he'd be very offended. QUAGMIRE: Oh!

What the... Who the hell are you? Who the hell do you think I am, sweetie?

I demand justice! I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk. Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest. We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off.

or else I'm throwing away all of your Mr. Potato Heads, I swear. It's okay, she only knows where the decoys are. Swanson, there you are. Listen, you hang out at this dump. I want you to go in there and end this thing. I'll do my best, sir.

You don't want to meet those people. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi. I just moved into the neighborhood, and I'm required by law to inform you that I am a sex offender. Oh, don't worry about it, so am I. This whole block is S.O.'s. We use the abbreviation "S.O's" because it saves a lot of time over saying "Sex Offender," because that's all we talk about. Well, I'm also into football.

Well, these questions are too big to be decided by human beings.

Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a... Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk. Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, Brian. Yeah, Brian. No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with. He's bad news.

Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

I'll distract Lois while you steal money from her purse. Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING) Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw! Daddy, what are you doing?

The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.

What the hell? How do you even... What? It... I don't... Wait. How do I... JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be way too complicated for you. How come there are two toilets?

(DOORBELL RINGING) Can I help you? Ah, yes, my name's Brian. Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it?

I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?" Hey, there's all my favorite people! Oh, no, not this suck-up. What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews?

Come on, Lois. If it makes you feel any better, I don't care. And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet,

System off. Splendid.

I missed you. So has the morgue. (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) The morgue, Paul, 'cause she's old!

(DOOR CLOSING) BRIAN: Peter, what are you doing? I'm not going to family night. PETER: My agreeing with Lois was just pure theater. Come on, we're jumping off the roof. BRIAN: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves! PETER: Don't worry, we can fly. I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy. Either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. (LOUD SNORTING) PETER: Ah! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner!

(SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail. Oh, this is dreadful. I thought Carter and I were going to be so happy here.

Brian, Molly Ringwald is in my bed, and she says she's my wife! That's not all. Look at this place. Everything's different. This is crazy. Brian, did you ever see that Twilight Zone episode? You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here?

Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer. Let me ask him. Meow, meow, meow, meow-meow-meow-meow? We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor. Our apologies, sir.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

God, I hate PBS. ANNOUNCER: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil, and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year.

It also said a grand piano will fall on me.

Why is the ironing board still out? That's-- That's my favorite picture of Brian over there on that wall. He wants to have sex with me so bad. (LAUGHING)

Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you.

I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon. Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him.

WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather.

Hey... Hey, where's that pinky going, huh? Where's he going? What's he doing? Get back here. There you go. Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal. Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on.

Is that a real show? No, it's just... No. Somebody's making a joke. Forget it.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Package for Dr. Hartman. All right, where's the package? Here it is. So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something. Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package.

Now, before you say anything, one, it has no human emotions, and two, its prime directive is never to harm people. Oh, God, it's harming people! ROBOT: Angry! Angry! Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too! It's using tools! It's learning, Angela! It's learning! Run!

Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together. Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team. And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this.

Ha! That's my dad! No one dances like Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire. Dad, this is Joe and Peter. Joe and Peter! Which one are you? Peter, sir. Look at you. You're a chowhound, aren't you, Pete?

I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude.

Like a rhinestone cowboy da-da! Riding... on a star-Spangled horse and rodeo For my next number... Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket! David Schwimmer?

Whoa! I can see your skin cells! Oh, hey, I saw your picture on the cover of Scientific American. You looked great. Oh, Please! Where my eyes are, like, half-closed? God! Just take the damn compliment. What the hell is Lois doing with another man? Is it possible she's a whore?

Look at my fanny, look at my fanny, look at my fanny.

Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.

I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk. Are you okay in there, Karina?

(FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING)

Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

Oh, God, that feels so much better. You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat. (CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya! Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on?

And now, let's meet our star! Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles!

Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong. No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that!

Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey. Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins. Well, if you can't beat them... (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right?

undefinedWhat? Wes.

I'm doing this because I have to. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go.

Peter, Joe is a hero. But he's not our hero. You are. Really?

Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck!

Look, I didn't know my room was gonna be scrutinized. If you don't like it, let's get out of here.

Oh, no, did I do something wrong? Was it because I didn't sniff your butt first? What? No. I mean, yes. That's how I would know you were interested. But, Meg, the fact is you and I are friends and that's the way it needs to stay. Besides, I have a girlfriend, I'm dating Jillian. All right, Brian. I understand.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family. (GRUNTS) Does anyone need the remote? Oh, my God! What the hell happened to Stewie?

Stewie, what is that on your lip? I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?" Come here. I'll take care of that, sweetie. It's got spit all over it. Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau.

Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls.

Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well. The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared. Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't!

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie?

Isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"? You wanted me and Meg to bond. That's what we're doing. Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without T.V. for weeks! Now Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without T.V. Ha.

Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to. Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS) (LAUGHING) What a wonderful novelty photo this will make. Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask. I have the mumps.

All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it. - Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk? - Huh? You know that scene where Yoda comes in and they are about to have that big fight? Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk.

Ah! Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!

I knew my play was good. Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out Stuart Little.

Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire

(SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated!

What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?

I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely. What do you say we let bygones be bygones? You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.

Stop eating our boat, Jaws! I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind.

You've got a responsibility. You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl. Dad, look at the facts about sex. "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything.

Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

He 's retarded Peter is slow

Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this.

Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone!

But I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got... (MAN READING) So you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions? I just think Meg is really cool, and I want to get to know her better.

(SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See? (SCREAMS) Stewie, relax.

Had to deal with that all day. Thank you very much. Oh, my God. Look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen? Maybe. You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin. Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your mogwai after midnight.

Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers. Shut up, Brian. It relieves the pain of mustachelessness. And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body.

(PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya!

Are you sure, O.J.? Are you sure you wouldn't like to confess to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman? What? (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEAKING) What the hell is that? You're wearing a wire! (TIRES SCREECHING) I am so murdered. Peter, I'm hurt. How could you deceive me like this?

Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee

Hi, honey. What? I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was. Yeah. You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance and all the nice things you said.

Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room. It stinks in here.

Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin.

Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.

Meg, you're here early. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work. Well, thanks. What's with the getup? Nothing. I just wanted to look sexy for Susie. How are your eggs, Joe? If he doesn't say anything about me calling him "Joe,"

Here, baby. I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about. Brian, would you-- Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs! Wait! Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite! Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now? Oh, Sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife? A-And look at you twO. Quasimodo and Lumpy.

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year! King me.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart!

Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.

(ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING ROCKY) And now here's something we hope you'll really like. (CROWD CHATTERING) Settle down, everyone. Okay. Let's get this assembly started.

Can't we all just run around in a disorganized fashion? Yeah!

You were so worried about these outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me. But look at yourself. You're the one who's allowed yourself to be corrupted. God in heaven. You are right. I am deeply ashamed. I only wanted to protect you.

Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING)

Give her the cell phone, Brian. (SIGHS) There you go. Merry Christmas! Yeah. Merry Christmas. It has all my fucking contacts in it. Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face?

Sure. All the guys here have been castrated.

(ALL CLAPPING) All right, let's get this meeting underway. For our first order of business, we'll go to Bruce. Oh, hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We've got lots of exciting topics here tonight.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Lois! What are you two doing here? Well, we wanted to talk to you about something. Hmm, what's that? Well, we were just thinking, now that Daddy's retired, that you and he might be happier in a place where you can be with people your own age. You know, make some new friends. What are you talking about?

Oh, Boy! What's my prize? A pencil and a speed sign! I did it! I'll be right back.

Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet! No!

Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup! That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do!

Come on, "overcoming adversity"! Let's go, "overcoming adversity"! Show me "women I gave the clap to"! oh! And the Harvest Festival Parade theme is-- "The episode of Who's the Boss? "where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower." Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable!

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs.

Peter, I think this'll be good for you. You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and...

(GROANS) Stop it! Stop it! Get off my husband! Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing? Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just... When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough, you just,

Hiya! MAN ON TV: We now return to Malcolm in the Middle. And I told you boys to pick up your clothes! And who left the wet towel on the bed? I swear to God, sometimes I feel like just going on strike! What would you all do if I went on strike? Huh? What would you do? I'm talking to you! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do!

Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt.

Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap.

They charge me 90 bucks a day to keep Brian here. For 60 bucks, I could put him up at the Holiday Inn.

Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said. Far be it from me to call you a liar. Huh? Nothing. Nothing. See you next week. Mom, how come all your students suck? I don't know, honey. All I want is one pupil who's good enough to win the piano competition. I'm sick of coming in 2nd to that awful Alexis Radcliffe.

Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg? You okay in there?

- Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies.

24 months in prison? Unacceptable!

Look out, Brian! Ugh. Oh. uh. Ooh. ah.

Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What? I'm just trying to take an interest in your interests. My period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control. Gross.

Ow. Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it!

God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington. Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings? No. Because he was quartered on the port side. (CHUCKLES)

Did you just tell me what I love? Mmm? Write this down, you toad-faced frump. I love pancakes! Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What?

Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? You slept with my wife. It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

- Neil, I think you're old enough to-- - Go! - Would you stop kicking? Just hold still. - That's tickling. It tickles. - My thumb. - Hold still. Quit it....

Get out of my dreams

It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with, and your family-- Shh, It's on. I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman.

Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like.

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch. (MR. NIGHT PLAYING)

And the oceans and a camel and my new socks and a book Hey, Meg, check it out. I'm gonna jump that fire hydrant. Chris, don't! You're gonna wreck Dad's bike! Too late, I already narrowed my eyes.

(CHRIS STUTTERS) Me? Yeah, go ahead. Uh, it's Chris. You don't know my name? All right, this isn't off to a flying start. Peter, why don't you go ahead? So, you like getting beaten, huh? Well, why don't you smoke a whole carton of cigarettes! Look, I know what you guys are trying to do, but Jeff and I are fine.

Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite.

I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

All right, now let's get this diaper back on you. There's just one part left. What are you talking about? There's nothing left. Look, the diaper's completely clean. Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't. You have to clean my ass. Oh, God, Stewie, there's got to be a line! Brian, this is the most important part. You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes. She gets all up in my biznatch with those. No, no way.

which is like 200 9/11's. So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you. I'm just saying this war is wrong. Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. Your job is to follow orders. Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? They followed orders.

But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding.

Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh! This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go...

Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.

Then let's just-- We'll take the box.

Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise, we're all gonna be... (GUN COCKING) So it's all out in the open now, isn't it? Stewie, how long you been all messed up and evil like this? Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes.

I didn't hear you come in last night. Did you have a good time at your prostitutes' convention? Peter, I was just trying to help your mother meet some new friends. Lois, you're too nosey. Like that waiter at that restaurant. And who had the prime rib? I hardly think that's any of your business. Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day.

Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home... Stewie, what the hell are you doing? She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud! She didn't write any of her songs. Well, so, that's the case with a lot of singers. It's a very common industry practice. Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds, aren't you? A bunch of frauds and charlatans.

What a beautiful shade of lipstick on those teeth.

You are here because you are criminals. This is not a resort. You will be worked harder than you have ever been worked in your miserable, pathetic lives. And play harder, right? I bet. Step forward, maggot!

Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh? Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero. Look, you'll see. At the Navy Ball, you'll see how much of a man he is and how everyone in the military respects him.

You're one to talk. Look how fat you are.

I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore! Oh, He's terrible! But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.

Brown's the color of poo! Yes. Yes, it is. Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in yearS. Everything seems so differenT. Really? Perhaps If you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells.

You look good enough for a promotion. - Peter, cut it out. - Hey, that's no way to talk to your boss. (SNIFFS) As that Pert? You know it is. Smell my Speed Stick.

Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too.

Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend... Jerome? Loose Lois? What? You guys know each other? Know each other? Peter, Jerome is an old boyfriend of mine. What? (YAWNS) Sorry, I was out of it. Wait, are we being robbed?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ALL: Ah, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la

Ok, that's good. Yeah, Yeah. comfort her. Yeah. Oh--oh, Yeah, you like that, don't you? Yeah. Oh, it's--it's ok. It's ok to like it. It's very natural. Ok, good. good. Now smell her a little.

People! People! Stop this craziness!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy. (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing. I've never seen a guy your size who could move like that. How would you like to play for the New England Patriots? PETER: I'd love to. Say, listen, Tom, could you get me a towel? I threw up on the floor. Sure. And could you also get another towel?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women.

I offer you the opportunity to join me in glorious battle. I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me? Duckie? Ah! Useless, every one of you! Fine.

I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.

With Bea Arthur as Peter Griffin. You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now? No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself. You're a fool, Joe! A fool! Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story.

I'm--I'm the only brain cell left. Well, At least I have my books.

Uh, I'm not really sure what to do here. Boy! You've put on weight, Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! (BONNIE) Did you walk?

Oh, There's a Comfort Inn. Really? Yeah. Good luck for us, huh? You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy.

I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg.

Stewie, look! A butterfly.

Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him? Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing.

I know Brian's work has him coming and going at all hours of the night. " bet it does. I bet it does. Okay, well, Stewie has to go now. What are you talking about? I want some more of Jillian's delicious lemonade. I know. It's good, right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it. Oh, this is fun, huh?

All right. All right. That's it. That's enough. Peter, what are you doing? Lois, if you being a model means you're going to be eye-candy... for the whole town, then I ain't going for it. Excuse me? Who do you think you are, my father?

"Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Hya! Yeah, Too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy.

Peter, what are you doing? What is all this stuff?

Well, it sure is good to be back in the old Clam. Hey, there's some guys sitting in our booth. Maybe we should tell them it's our booth. Uh-huh, or we could just sit on the floor, next to these garbage cans.

You got fired for racist drawings. I guess. Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle. I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.

Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley... and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.

Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby...

How about a funny story about Lake Wobegone? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree....

I think maybe it's just time for me to give up. Come on, Brian. You can't give up. Everything could change in a moment. That's what happened with the Kennedy assassination. I'm sorry, gentlemen. Despite our best efforts, the Texas School Book Depository Awareness Council has failed in its mission to generate public awareness of the Texas School Book Depository. So at the end of the day,

My God, Lauren! What am I gonna do? I'm still in love with Jillian. Well, there's only one thing you can do, Brian. Tell her how you feel. What's the use? It's over. She's moved on. Well, who knows? Women are complex creatures, Brian. Maybe she just needs to be reminded how much she misses you.

A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances.

Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down--

Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling! ...little music, some candlelight. Lois, my darling!

Hey, guys, has anybody seen James? Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this. Who want little tiny tacos? Oh, little taco. I'll have one of those. (ALL GASPING) It's him! Sorry I took so long.

No freaking way. They have breakfast for dinner. Lois never lets me do that! (TOUCHTONES BEEPING) (RINGING) Lois, do you have any idea what I'm looking at right now? LOIS: Peter, we're not doing this again.

(CRASHING) (HORSE NEIGHS) GUARD: (GASPS) Dear God! The Queen's dead! (BOTH WHISTLING) All right, Collingsworth, I got a hair. Now, just walk away casual-like and we're in the clear. Oh, no! Here come the coppers! (YAKETY SAX PLAYING)

Love her? No, of course not!

Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit.

Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay. Jim. Your name is Jim.

Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it. Dad, there's a weird bald guy out in front of our house. Oh, that's just Quagmire. He's acting all different now that he's bald. I'll go talk to him.

it'll mess you up

You know, I read that they're opening a Superstore USA across town. Maybe you could get a job there. No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical.

Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go. What is this? It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you. Hey, Meg. Hi, Carl. Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? Are you, like, a bitch or something? No, I have friends. Oh.

Red-headed lady reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope She's gonna breathe on it first wipe it on her blouse

Well, I'll tell you this, Peter. You ain't never had a friend like me. Me and Jesus Those are words that please us 'Cause we're close as Beezus And Ramona Quimby are My life is sweeter

Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm. ah, Sausage-san. Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies. sir, You don't have to keep moving to the back of the line. You can have as many as you want. They're free. What are you talking about?

What luck, huh? Wow, sweetie! That was amazing! I don't think I could do that again in a million years. (BOTH GROANING)

Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask. I have the mumps. What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!

Hey, guys. What do you want, Meg? I'm here to try for cheerleading. Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden. Why don't you try the flag-girl squad?

How about that house there? No, that house is no good, Michael Cera lives there. He's just handing out low energy one-liners. Nice costume. (MUMBLING) I haven't put mine on. Not really. This is my costume.

Good news! Good news! What, more people I love think I'm an arrogant jerk? You're more than that, Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best new Director." A Woody? I'm up for a Woody? Come on, Call your family. I'll bet they'll be really proud of you. No, I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut peddler.

How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card.

Yes, Yes, i--I rather like Snake. Snake Griffin. Cookie. Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING) (BLOWS) It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me...

Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him?

You know, I've tried to find meaning in my life, and I just... I just can't. And that bottle of scotch?

your precious little baby will be smiling as bright as the sun. It's dead. And while I remind you I can't read yet, I can only imagine Madeline would say, "Take me out of this disgusting French hospital "and find me some real parents."

WhaT? Lois, I know what I did was wrong.

Naomi's the one who's coming. (CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay!

Fine. I just don't understand why we had to leave the spa so early. Look, I just wanna go home and spend the next 3 days in solitary confinement where I belong! Well, I tried.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker bringing you news you heard four hours ago on the Internet. Our top story, a mishap in Quahog Harbor today. That's right, Tom. A ferry carrying a shipment of brand-new Mercedes-Benzes from Germany crashed and sank just a few miles off our coast. Thus far, the cars remain on the ocean floor as the Germans refuse to clean up the disaster.

Of course, of course. Nobody can ever know. Absolutely. I'm right there with you on that one. There will be no kissing on the mouth. Okay. I changed my mind. There will be kissing on the mouth. Uh, all right. Good. Now, what else? What else? Uh, yes. If, per chance, it is beautiful, I reserve the right to cry. Peter, I can't imagine any scenario where this is gonna be beautiful.

Actually, yeah. Maybe we are doing an interview. So, Stewie, tell us about that new project you have coming up. What're you talking about? Get me down, you douche. No. First you tell me about that new project. Oh, you are so dead. Is that the title of your new film?

Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive? I'm so nervous.

So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about. See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started. (COUGHS) Dad, I don't smoke.

Penile identification required. Let me handle this. (UNZIPS)

You want to tell your mommy and daddy the Griffins are here? Come on in!

(GLASSES CLINK) So, what should we do next... (THUDS)

Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you. Hey, well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it. Well, still, good for you. So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place.

Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin? Well, I'm from West Berlin, pilgrim. (SOBBING)

As are mine! (BOTH GRUNTING) (PANTING) Oh, my God! Thank you, Jerome. You saved my life! Um, "I'll have what she's having," says the funniest person in the room.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Brian. We'll be upstairs. Yo, Rita. You want in on this? No, thanks. We just got engaged. I'm faithful to Brian now. Whatever. This ain't even my whole night.

Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris

You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at...

You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!

It's overwhelming. This is all I've ever wanted, you know?

Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING)

She looks like someone farted in a shoe. I had a moment of weakness, but I know now that I was wrong. I need her, Peter. I love her. You got to help me get her back. Well, it's probably the right move anyway. Those girls seemed kind of annoying. Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you!

Well, I ain't no chicken. (LAUGHING) One-nothing! No, two-nothing! Three-nothing! Fight over! Fight over! Wow, you got a lot of catching up to do, and tomorrow night in the dark, huh? In the dark? Yeah, if you say so. Just don't tickle me in my lower abdomen. I'm super ticklish there.

and I want to build something crazy out of spite.

Okay, dear. Close your eyes and clear your mind. Okay. I'm seeing something. Joe, you were an octopus. Yes! Yes, this is so awesome! Damn it! Oh! That's so cool! That's so cool! Do me next.

Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape?

This is even worse than the other one. I mean, it's cool I know French, but, Death, this ain't me. What am I supposed to do? If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche. Exactly, Peter. It's called moderation. That's the key to life. You don't have to give up the booze cold turkey. You just have to be responsible with it.

Going to get some soda But they weren't looking where they were going And a bus came along and hit them all Now they're handicapped and... No, that's pretty much it Handiquacks And they never got their soda

(CLEARS THROAT) "They no funny." (BELL RINGING) I think we have a wiener! (DONKEY BRAYING) And that's Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on 97.1. WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning.

FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.

But I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow-kite. This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong? You got to get her running before you start running.

Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along. Bye, new awesome friends.

It's lame. And the worst part is,

You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this. Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that? What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening. That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined.

For example, Chris has his drawing, Meg does her birdcalls, I sing... beautifully. So I've heard. And Lois has her theater group. Yes. And for my first production, I've chosen The King and I. It's a wonderful story about a loving, patient woman, who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric, patriarchal...

- Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

Oh, thank God, I'm saved! Come on. Let's get out of here. All right. The two of you stand over there and I'll send you back where you belong. Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap will be the leap home.

What the fuck? Thank you, Walt. Who wants to go next?

Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.

You are here because you are criminals. This is not a resort. You will be worked harder than you have ever been worked in your miserable, pathetic lives. And play harder, right? I bet. Step forward, maggot! (GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you.

No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom! I see you've met my daughter. You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar. Chewie, get away from... (EXCLAIMS)

Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian. Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini.

Look what the Lynches gave us. A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger. You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard. There is only another fist. That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris?

I'm gonna give her a little scare.

your father and I have something to say. Kids, we're calling off the experiment early. What? Why? Because you were right. Being a kid is a lot harder than being an adult. High school sucks. Everything sucks. So let's just put things back the way they were, and just forget all about this, all right? You kids go back to school. Lois goes back to groceries. I go back to my job.

All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.

Ah! Oh, my eyes! Could you please turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus!

The elephant's trunk was on full blast. I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch. Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?

"As the months of solitude passed, I began to go insane. "It seemed my prison cell was getting smaller and smaller. "I was quite sure that soon I would be dead.

Except man. (LAUGHS) He was in our house earlier. Now, remember, Peter, we're going to be right here in the van if anything goes wrong. Just try to get O.J. talking about the murders. Do you think he'd be offended if I asked him to sign this basketball? Yeah, I think he'd be very offended. QUAGMIRE: Oh!

If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off.

Go ahead. Try it on. Didn't you see The Godfather?

All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot?

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?

What are we gonna do now? We gotta come up with an escape plan.

All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth,

I feel like a big boy right now. Yeah, this isn't so bad, right? It's like a very private party. I feel like dancing. Yeah, you know how to move.

No. Well, that's all part of mastering the Force, man. It starts with checking out sweet-ass DVD releases, like Iron Man, directed by Jon Favreau. Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.

How much footage of this do we have? Oh, this is live. Can she hear me? Okay, you can put it down now. She can't hear me. Okay. What the hell is going on here? Is it... Is it... Am I having a stroke?

You shall not pass.

Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews." Oh, these are wonderful, sweetie. Chris, why don't you put these upstairs in your closet so we don't lose them?

(LOIS READING) STEWIE: Who is this book for? (LOIS READING) STEWIE: Ugh, that was absolute garbage. Read it again!

We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society! Ok, let's go.

Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house.

Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

What do you want, Griffin? Angela, look out your window.

Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you!

Good God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed! There you go. My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache. My tooth hurts! There. How's that feel? Well, it-it's... It's delightful.

(TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.

Well, maybe the storm will let up soon.

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

I'm not a dog, you fat bastard! Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Well, I loved this book. Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion. And I had named him and given him a back-story. Chucky had the biggest hump of the camels in his village.

That's the spirit, Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective. All in favor of fining this evil tobacco giant $100 million, say "AyE"! Aye! But that'll bankrupt us! Oh, You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America?

Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light!

Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews.

Wow! The jocks have never said hello to me before. Hi, you guys. Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut. She's really sweet and struggling to raise a family. It's gonna be great! Wow! You did it, Connie. Chris Griffin is popular!

Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific. Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling. That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend.

was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight. He's all yours, Joe. You're lucky I've got some extra pull around here... thanks to my 18 medals for heroism. There he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry them?

Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect. CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.

You're why cavemen painted on walls!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Game of Thrones on BET. I got a big-ass coat, chair to sit in, chalice cup of wine and a midget, but I ain't going out there with all them monsters out there! (SOBBING) Daddy, what happened to you? I can't live without the country club.

Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel. (ALL CLAMORING) People want Peter wheel thanks to sexy wife. Tonight you and me party like it's 9. Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's.

Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

I want the princess captured immediately. Geez, Gordon, maybe today wasn't the day to wear your mesh stormtrooper shirt.

Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING)

Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.

(SLURRING) Hey! Oh, did... Did I miss Byron's reward? Brian's award. And, yes, you did, Peter.

Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us? Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning? You want to play with one of Daddy's socks? What... Do I want to... No! What an odd request.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

Peter Night Shyamalan. They call me that 'cause I got a big twist at the end of my thing. (WHISPERING) Oh, my God. (CLEARS THROAT) Um... Well, hello, Peter. - What can I do for you? - Um... - You want to see some pictures that I drew? - Um... Sure.

Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake? So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog.

I love you. In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High. That's right, Tom. It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse. Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far,

"Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet?

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING) Peter, it's okay.

Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do.... Just a city boy Born and raised in South Detroit

Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you. Let us "Eh." "Eh." Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this. Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

during every sketch you've ever been in. Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you? You haven't earned what she's earned, buddy. All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter?

What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews? So good to see you, Barrington.

Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING) Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it. Nice try. But Marian's over there.

You can't punch this baby. He's the messiah.

I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers.

I look forward to having a raging semi.

Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh?

Great! Not even halfway through Canada, and we're stuck. Oh, hey there. You having some car troubles, eh? Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole. I don't suppose you're from AAA, are you? Who? AAA, you know? A-A-A. Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA. No, not AA. A-A-A.

"on which we used to rely?

You know what, Meg? It's all my fault. I never should have dragged you into this anyway. I guess sometimes a father just gets a little overprotective of his daughter, but you gotta know I was only thinking about your happiness. I know, Dad, and I appreciate it. The problem now is that these people are expecting a show.

That's my point, Carol. This is the kind of pain I'm trying to spare you from experiencing all over again. Why can't you just let me be happy with the man I love? Carol, if you marry him, you're just gonna get hurt again. Is that what you want? Well, no. Look at these men.

He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention.

People, you are free! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

It's oka y, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Yummy. Peter, your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptized. I am sick of him always trying to force his religious views on us. All right, I'll talk to him, Lois, but, you know, when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.

Relax, Quagmire, there's food all around us. The trick is just knowing what's safe to eat and what's not. Okay, these are a maybe. You guys, I think, for the time being, we're gonna have to start thinking in terms of survival. Yeah, we're just gonna have to do what Davy Crockett would do.

Do you have AIDS?

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

You don't really think I'm like that, do you? Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me.

Quagmire, tell that story about the girl with the inside-out anus. Oh, you mean Blossom? Oh, that's a great story. All right, so I'm skulking around the intensive care unit and all of a sudden this smoking hot chick... Hey, boys. Mind if we join the party? Sorry, Lois, no girls allowed. Oh, come on, Peter. It'd be good to have some chicks in here.

One time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, but looking back, I'm not so sure that that was really a military thing. Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal. You know what I did with it? I threw it back over the White House fence. Wait a minute. I thought you said you flew straight home from Kuwait after you woke from your coma.

This is gonna take us to the next level.

I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead. That reminds me of a guy you might have heard of, John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived. You know what he once said? He said, "You know, I've got a 13-inch penis,

Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod."

(IN MECHANICAL VOICE) Destroy. Destroy. I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body. Well, we thought of that. PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no!

Oh, my God! I realize this is very upsetting for you. That's why I've invited Howie Mandell to lighten the mood by blowing up a surgical glove with his nose.

I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello! - Hey. What's going on? - What the hell? Get out of here! What? We're on the same team. We shower together. Yeah, in the locker room. Yeah, yeah, come here, you. Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy? We're just a couple of guys messing around.

Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason.

Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two. It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man. (CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it!

We 'ff be landing in South America shortly. Please buckle your seat belts. ANNOUNCER: Hey, Brenda, what’Ve you got for me? Coffee?

And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you! Well... Well, I hate you, too!

It won't be so hard. After all, I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! with real butter. (GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor.

Well, sounds like we need another loan shark. Don't worry, Joe, we're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money. (KIDS CHATTERING) Wow, Peter, I gotta say, this lemonade stand was a really good idea. It's selling really well. That's because it has my secret ingredient in it. Vodka!

Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

What? No, you're not. Tonight's our family night. We agreed that every Sunday, we'd do something together. (MEG CLEARS THROAT) What? Oh, nothing. I was just clearing my throat. Good. I thought you were going to say something. But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster.

What is this? Cookiebook.

Stop mocking me!

But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

- Where am I? Am I dead? - No. This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall... so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters. You don't say.

i'm--I'm sorry, Lois. I understand, Brian. There's no possible way I can ever thank you enough for this. You're a good friend. You're a good friend too, Lois.

Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those!

Cooking now. And the whole book is an e-mail to his daughter, who's dead. And his name will be Norm Hull. Because he's just a normal guy. But not everybody will get that. That's just for the scholars a hundred years from now. Okay, Rupert, you ready to go for a drive?

He's dead. I forgot my purse. All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet.

I don't know. You think of something. Well, I have no idea! So, you invented a time machine, but you can't get us out of a safe? Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini. Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor. I'm uncomfortable. You have to change me.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? I swear to God, Peter!

Face it, The Clam is doomed. Come on, guys. we can't give up now. Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed.

We made it! Hallelujah! Get some! Well, guess there's nothing left to do but watch the end of Last Holiday. Whoa! Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.

Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

I think he bled out. I must have hit the femoral artery. Ah, just kick him into Mexico. Guys, I can't thank you enough for what you did.

- (WHOOPING) - (WOLF-WHISTLING) (HONKING) Just wanted to remind you fellas what you're all fighting for.

Hey, babe. What do you say? We going out Saturday night? Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly. Stewie, you're being mean. No. If I was being mean,

I'm tired of Mr. Weed treating me like a common doormat.

Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help!

And his name will be Norm Hull. Because he's just a normal guy. But not everybody will get that. That's just for the scholars a hundred years from now. Okay, Rupert, you ready to go for a drive?

Guess I'll be moving on now. You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break!

In French, when you want to say "yes," you say oui, oui. You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes."

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

So, will you stay with me?

And Diff'rent Strokes. Why does everyone forget that? Kids, your father made this. That's so weird. Dad gets lost in the woods, and he makes a doll? It's not that strange. It's kind of what Tom Hanks did in Castaway.

Hey, Stewie, thanks for coming with me.

Hey, what are these hard things? M&Ms. I ran out of paprika.

Wait. What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure. Sorry I'm late, fellas.

Welcome to DUMP, Deep Underground Military Protection Facility. Wouldn't that be DUMPF? The "F" is silent, like in "knife." We're actually working for the federal government, and we need your help. Do you want to be spies like us? Can we be spies like them? We've actually resolved our differences.

Oh, Don't he make you so mad - you just want to go down there and hit him? No. Well, maybe not him 'cause he's kind of big. But don't you want to hit the guy sitting next to you? Well, Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too. But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You jerk.

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

(ANNA LEE CRYING) Oh, God. Hang on a second. Okay, okay, stop. Just stop crying. Stop crying, Anna Lee. No wonder. You dropped your pacifier.

Wow, a Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music,

What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes...

(INAUDIBLE) - We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic.

and my arm came out of its socket. Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?

His little habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand. I mean, look at this. What's that, some kind of board?

He sees a loser and the snack machine. Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Uh--uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office. And what is it you want to patent, Herr Smith? I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity."

Stewie, you got to get us out of here. If we stay in here much longer, we're either gonna freeze or starve. I know. But I can't reach the device. You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that? Well, you said I was stronger than you. And that must have made me happy, so my tail started wagging. Looks like it carved through the ice a bit. Yeah, it did! Keep going.

a Communist! - Ahh! - ahh! Ow! Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier. Would you come back in a week, when my fat malcontent trap door will be completed? I am not coming back in a week or ever! I've had it with you! I've had it with this whole damn government! Fine!

Fare thee well, broccoli!

Lois, am I glad to see you. I have nothing to say to you, Peter. I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way.

All right, time to make all those popular kids pay for ignoring me! (COCKS GUN) Peter, no, you're just a normal high school kid. Oh. Hey, Lance, it's off, it's off. It's off, it's off. (GUNFIRE, SCREAMS OVER PHONE) Throw this phone away, Lois!

Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

What do we do now, Bill? We write, Tim. We write our story. Goodbye, dear. It's all my fault! (WAILING) (LAUGHING)

Who'd buy a wrecked bar? The bar's not wrecked. All right! Oh, thank you, God. Don't mention it. Wait a minute. Something's different.

We Have A Domestic disturbancE-- Boring! Report of a stabbing in-- BlAh, blah, blaH. All units! A major bank robbery is in progress at quahog Bank and Trust. Suspects are armed and extremely dangerous. Perfect! Where's Lois and the kids? Uh, Over at Joe's.

You know, some-- some people think that dandelions are weeds. But, uh, you know, i--I always think who the--who the hell decided tulips were so greaT?

"His name is Sam." You kissed Sam last night? How did you know? well, You're saying it out loud. I could hear you in the other room. Y0u know, The weird thing is, kissing Sam kind of felt right. But I don't know if I can face him again. Brian, what should I do? I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out!

I mean, Byron is a 25-year-old single father going back to finish college so he can do right by his four-year-old daughter. So it's got to be somebody who can project a certain amount of world-wizened sophistication, while at the same time retaining a certain youthfully passionate idealism. You know who'd be good? Big Jaws. Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood.

I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt. Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin...

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting. Oh, God, should we ask somebody for help? Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.

Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Back to work, all of you! What's going on here? Uh, Dad, some of the guys think that since you took over, work is no fun. Work's not supposed to be fun. Why not? Why not? Why not? That's Satan talking!

Who's that? O.J. Simpson on Spooner Street. Now that's a story I can sink my teeth into. Stick around.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Who am I? "I need a character. I need a backstory. "I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic.

Going to take you apart I'll put us back together at heart, baby don't you forget about me

Well, as long as death is staring us in the face, I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather, who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s. His name was Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin,

No, why? (LAUGHS) They look like little robbers. Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes!

Oh, no, no. No, you don't get to talk to me like that anymore. Not unless you want me to blab about what happened on the yacht. What are you getting at, Griffin? That's right, you're gonna start doing a lot of stuff for me. Like what? Well, for starters, - you got more than one limo? - Yeah. You and me are gonna do a limo joust.

I mean, ifl could take all the black people in the world... and just, you know, just buy a farm somewhere and let them all.... Whoa, you know what, that actually didn't really come out right. Brian, relax. I'm having a great time. You don't have to try so hard.

And this is James Bottomtooth IV. (MUMBLING) I'm Chris.

I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags! This means war!

...sure would be the bravest fellow I ever met. That Lois is some kind of woman. Yeah. Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop. Oops! Speak of the devil. Oops, make that devils.

There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane! Okay, I heard kitty cat. Oh, there's a kitty cat a-riding on the train...

I'm a horrible person. Lois, you're just exhausted. Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you. Well, it's worth a try. Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball.

Yello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter. What's up? Not much. Well--Well, what do you want? Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. What you thinking about? Wha--What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me! I just wanted to say hi. So, what are you do--

Take it easy, guys. CLEVELAND: Don't forget to put your tools away. We blew it, didn't we? Boy, you can say that again. We were right there, ready to save Roger Williams Park, and we got sidetracked by idle conversation. We're a terrible A-Team.

Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you. It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone. That's for true.

Boy, it sure is nice having our house to ourselves again, huh? Lois?

Victory is mine! Yes. And this cake is yours, too.

(SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first.

Hey, guys! Hitler! Hitler! How's it going, Mr. Hitler? It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants.

What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? Stewie, this isn't what it looks like. Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to... (EXCLAIMING) Ain't nobody talking to you. Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? You know, I'm really... I'm sensing something here that... I should be going.

Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying! Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite. One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

Is there something on my elbow or...

So whoever the murderer is, they were after James Woods, not Stephanie. The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead? Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues.

Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! Ahh!

Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon. Whoa--Whoa, look, pal. I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.

It's all my fault. What?

Well, that's good, right? We want him hurt. Are you using your brain? We're lucky if we come out of this without a lawsuit. Ow! STORMTROOPER: Freeze! Okay, now you're in a laundromat, and there's only one available machine,

Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick?

Yes, that's very nice. Bring me my finest rag. Your fancy rag, sir. You are relieved for the evening. (INHALING DEEPLY) You don't see poor people doing this!

Peter! Max, it was nice of you to invite us along. Your husband's got a good heart, Lois, but his views on Judaism are a little misguided. I consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little.

Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things. Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart...

Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team. And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this. So... You guys like to party?

Okay, everybody fan out and look for your father. Peter! Peter! - Dad! - Fat-ass! (RUSTLING)

Because it's so exposed 'cause I'm cheering. Yeah, Thursday night! Your big mouth just got you in trouble. I lose. Peter one, you zero. Oh, I lose again. Peter two, you zero. You've been practicing.

Come on, Stewie. Don't you want to pee in a toilet bowl like a big boy?

Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Gay stuff. Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.N. interpreter. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something. He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot. I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight,

Well, There's my cab. It was nice meeting all of you. Aw, Thanks for everything, buddy. Wait, Mr. Weinstein, I thought you were gonna help me with my homework. I'm sorry, son. I have to go. But I'm sure you'll do just fine. I don't know, Max. the kid's not exactly an honor roll student. Watch. Hey! He did it. See?

(BANGING ON DOOR) Hey! Hello! Hello, somebody! We're trapped in here!

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.

It looks like that's it, except for the flight crew. Hey, Hey, Brian. What's with the Johnny Law routine? Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural. Oh, Yeah? How good are you? You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to 2 Filipino women and a man. You mean 3 Filipino women!

You're a good dog, Brian. A very good-- Keep it above the waist, Doc.

You hate America! If I could just get a word in... You hate America! You like the terrorists! Well, I guess you're right again.

Oh, my God, really? And to think, yesterday I was just a guy at home eating catnip.

(EVIL LAUGH) I'm watching you make stool.

Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding.

And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time. Some things are worth waiting for. Wow. You're really a true gentleman.

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

the sun has gone to bed and so must I so long farewell auf wiedersehen, good-bye

Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart. - (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.

Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner. Really? All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it. Mm-uah.

(STEWIE READING TITLE) (LOIS READING) STEWIE: Who is this book for? (LOIS READING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick? Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it.

Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather... You have crappy judgment anyway.

(PHONE RINGING) Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass. Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too. Something about a coupon? I cannot for the life of me remember.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

This ticks me off, so much! Jeez. Oh, man!

Why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to step and strut out Give me the simple life Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant Those things roll off my knife

The vessel goes to-- $100 million! ...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million!

(FARTING CONTINUES) (SPLASHES) Ah! Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren.

Well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance? I agree with Stewie. It's not really fair. It's outrageous.

Hmm. No takers? Well, fine. I'll go first. Peter, why don't you volunteer? Oh, No, I don't volunteer for anything since I helped those guys repaint the Sistine Chapel. Yeah, uh, Listen, I thought the stuff that was there was kind of lame. So I put this up. I figured Andre the Giant would be a little hipper. You know. Get back some of those boys you scared away.

Wow. Wow, are you glad you left the lighthouse now, Seamus? Oh, I think so, Seamus!

I can't believe the wedding's off. All I ever wanted was to get married and make a home with a skinny, hairless Filipino boy. Isn't that the American dream? Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper.

Meg? Meg, sweetie? Yeah, Mom? Bonnie wants you to look after Susie and Joe while she's out of town. What? Why me? I don't want to have to do that. And Bonnie said you are very pretty.

"Wide load"? "Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"?

Mort Goldman! He's so clever! Show them, Morty!

All right, that's enough, you two. This is serious. Stop it. (YELLING CONTINUES) Quick, Quagmire, give me your iPod.

Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know...

This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea!

It's true We two Ha ve a likewise point of view 'Cause Jam es Woods has you And f ha ve James Woods too

Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down!

Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one. I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy.

My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? Wes. They must really want to keep her. Your second wish? I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

Oh, Here are the coffee mugs. Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh? Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me.

Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh! - Hold it! - Freeze! Ahh! There he is. Hands up, Griffin. You're coming with us. H-h-hang on. I want to see what they do with this jackass. Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't!

I'll tell it. I'll tell it. So I turned to Lois and I says, "You want to get an abortion here? "You want to get an abortion with the abortionist having a stump hand?" And she says, "An abortion here? "Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. "How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand. "We can't get an abortion here."

(GASPS) You had an affair?

Good-bye, Abraham Lincoln people.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do. I've kind of slacked off a little bit. How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?

I clean in here? Yeah. That's fine. I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down. This is a very shocking Family Circus. (SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING)

Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes. Nazi stuff? Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.

I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time? (STUTTERING) Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.

(SLURPING STOPS) Oh! All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay? (PANTS)

PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Peter, would you put that away?

Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm.

while you were in there?

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth? Do you like Coldplay?

Candy? Show me "candy!" (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wait. We're out? You said if I slept with you... All right, Griffins, here's your chance to win the game. Name something you'd like to receive as a gift. Groceries! Assorted lotions! An Uzi! A dead squirrel! Money! All right, good answer, good answer!

pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere!

Pretty big pill for such a little girl.

Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed.

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy?

Chris, what happened to the couch? Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!" Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. (YAWNS) Dad, what are you doing? Meg, I'm a redneck,

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better

There's no sign of them anywhere. Meg? Chris? Brian? They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want! (CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart."

Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

Oh, God, Peter, let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now. Lois. Lois, wait. Wait! Opie's right there. I want him to look, Peter. (SHOUTING)

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

Peter, give me a boost.

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do.

Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there!

JERRY: And he hasn't had a hit in ever. In ever, Jerry. In ever.

This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School. Goat flu? You got to be kidding me. Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet,

How was the cast party? We're a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. It's the greatest feeling in the world. Yeah, I bet it is. And it's all thanks to you. I never would've discovered I could be creative if you hadn't believed in me.

- Oh, Brian, there you are! Thank God! - Oh, hey, Stewie. Did you make that coffee? Uh, no, it was here when I came in. I assume Lois made it. Don't drink that! Hey! That mug was my crew gift from Class Holes!

That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn. Heh. Look at this. It's some kind of plastic root. There's no such thing as a plastic root. You bastards come into our village, and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!

No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask. Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana.

I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To... To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things. You're my mother,

(MAN SINGING) So, the thing about dolphin lullabies is that they're all in the key of "E." (LAUGHING) E!

I don't like to be touched! duh! Ahh!

Look, there's Central Park! There's the Empire State Building!

$160,000. $170,000. $180,000. $190,000. $200,000. Ooh. Ahh. We have a new record for the Historical Society! The vessel goes to-- $100 million!

I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out. - Full-on. - Right? I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere. Hey, Dad! Check out my abstinence ring. It means I made a pledge not to have sex. That's crazy! You can't give up sex. You've got a responsibility. You see, Meg. You're what they call a practice girl.

Ah, They love that one down at the Precinct. This sucks, Brian. Joe is stealing my thunder. Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! Face it. He's the life of the party. Oh, Yeah? I'll show you who's the life of the party. Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that?

Our lead story tonight, Petoria. A new foreign country, which was founded this week, right here in our own backyard! And in a quahog News 5 exclusive, we sent our own little foreigner, Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa, to Petoria, where First Lady, Lois Griffin, has graciously agreed to give us a tour of her country. Trisha. Thank you, Diane.

A flight attendant? Wow. That does sound exciting. What made you change your mind? Just my desire to see you happy. Ohh! And to exploit your hard labor for free travel and fun. What? Shh, I didn't say anything. Go to sleep, crazy lady.

Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana.

Damn it, Randy. You just spilled my juice box. Oh. They absolutely love your book. The simplistic writing style is very graspable to them. Here's your award. I made it all by myself.

Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois. It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone. I, uh, i-I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me.

There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane! Okay, I heard kitty cat.

so I brought along Michael McDonald to help us out. How's he gonna help us? He's gonna do back-up vocals for everything we say. How's he gonna know what we're saying? How's he gonna know what we're saying? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Yeah, I hired him for the night. It costs, like, $2.50 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation.

I mean, one minute, I was being proposed to by a handsome Arabian prince, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a French hospital. Oh, and we heard from Ruth's parents. She had her tongue ripped out. (CHUCKLES) I guess we got off easy, huh? Well, we put all your mail on the desk in your room, sweetheart. Thanks, Dad. I'm kidding. You didn't get any mail.

You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

I'm still mad at you. Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING) ('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING)

And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I could not find the clock. (GROANS) But you got three of them on the wall over there. Yes, those are mine. Oh. Yeah, I need those. Uh-huh.

and forced to go to Brown we're Rhode Island bound

now Get the hell out of here, you losers. Hey, Louie, what about the foreign guy? No way, Banta. He's a nut job. Come on, Louie, show a little compassion for once in your miserable life! All right! Can the waterworks. Jackie Chan, cab 302! hai-ya! Thank you very much.

Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.

One of us needs to be an adult in this marriage, and it's clearly not you. Is this about me wetting the bed just now? Peter, don't you understand that I'm just looking out for this family? Besides, without my nagging, you'd probably get yourself killed. Or laid. Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying.

I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No.

Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.

That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you! Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad. Don't!

A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.

but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling.

Wakey-wakey, children. Good morning, Mother Maggie. The sun has risen on another day in Jolly Farm. Let's see what life's rich pageant has in store for us.

Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal. I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty.

my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion. I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here?

- MAN 1: I do! - MAN 2: Me too! MAN 3: I just did you, but I'll go again! I got to go. Can you believe the way Jesus is treating me? I thought he was my friend. Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter. I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way.

There they are. That's the guy who ruined our cable. Let's get him! Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you people? Ok, yes. My husband is responsible for knocking out T.V.

Oh, crap! Did I miss it? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Hey, Lois, when are you gonna do the laundry? I got, like, six parachutes in there. Peter, those things are choking up the washing machine. So now I got you a bad washing machine for Christmas.

I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole. Oh, It is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news. Brian, your tail keeps hitting me. I-i-If it's bothering you, I can stop. No, It's ok. The breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.

MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.

Allison Janney? QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

I shared mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community. What? That's not true. I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter. Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going.

Pardon me, sir. I'd like to join. What are your qualifications? I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth and my wife is ghastly. Bombs away!

Oh, for God's sake, Christie. Why don't you fire that girl? She's actually, believe it or not, better than the last one. I thought I told you to wait on the command ship. Yes, well, the thing is, a small rebel force has landed on the forest moon, and my son is with them. Kurt? No, Luke. I thought Kurt was your son. No, no, Kurt was just a guy I was hanging around with for a while.

Show me your school spirit! (INHALES) The players will remember this while they're playing.

(LAUGHING) Oh, that rice got you, bitch. Hey, Stewie's laughing. Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that? Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice? Ow! I misjudged you, fat man. Damn it. Peter, what's wrong with you? Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this.

Peterson, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be down at your job making oblong bricks out of manure and straw? No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day.

(CLEVELAND BEEPING) Could you hold on to this bag?

This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at. Oh, that was fantastic. Hey, when'd you get that tattoo on your lower back? I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug.

How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Quahog Oil Refinery, we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin for our newest waste pipe. (ALL CHEERING) Let the dumping resume!

His Holiness, the Pope! Hey, I just got a crazy idea! Aah! Why? Why? Why? Hey, I just got another crazy idea!

Can I be a reporter? I don't know, Meg.

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said. And now back to Disney's Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts.

I thought they smelled bad (GASPING) on the outside.

I mean, we almost don't even need to watch. Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours. Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie. All right, got the little guy up from his nap. Say hello to everyone, Stewie. ALL: Aw!

(SIGHING) He was "Putin" us on, huh? Right?

I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy. (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please?

CHORUS SINGERS: Everywhere They'll be swinging, swaying, records playing Dancing in the street Ohh! It doesn't matter what you wear

You ever notice how in every photo of P. Diddy, his mouth is hanging open? Well, actually, Diddy hired a guy to close his mouth for him. I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.

What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois. She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving. Look, Monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right? And there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about that. Peter, you're acting bananas. (LAUGHING) All right, I'll listen.

(MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS) Ugh. Peter, can we just get out of here? I want to get this over with.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland.

No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us. It's an opportunity to come up with our own names. I'm Tomax and this is Xamot. We're twins who can feel each other's pain. Ow!

The power of Christ compels you!

(ALIENS LAUGHING) It's not the 7Up guy. Yeah, it is. Hey, say, "Crisp and clean, no caffeine."

See? We're having a nice time. Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur. Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing?

I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

Hey, look, I found a genie's lamp. No? Okay, well, maybe next week.

It's not like we're gonna have a gay sex orgy in the living room. That's not what I'm talking about. I've got nothing against homosexuals. I mean, I'll watch anything with David Schwimmer. But the idea of two men actually getting married, it just doesn't seem right.

Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than last year when we all went to Sea World. And how long has this been going on? You know, Lois is right. I've been out of work too long. Well. I--I think you should find something you really enjoy doing.

Oh, My, look at all the damage. Oh, Thank God the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact. Peter, look! The Clam! Ahh! This is horrible!

I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night

How are we gonna get past? All right, there's only a few of them. Chewie and I'll take care of those guys, you stay here. Oh! Ladybug. (SNAPS) (POPPING)

Oh, no, no, No. I couldn't.

From Katrina? Okay. And, why are they selling shirts that say, "Burrillville, Rhode Island?" 'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you? Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous...

Hey, could I see that? Damn it! You ass! Easy, Clark. I hate that guy! It's been a long trip. You're tired. No! I hate him! Look, you're angry. You're dehydrated. Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better. (SIGHS) Okay.

Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money?

Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris"

Can I try some Red Bull? Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull? Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't. Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five. Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em. (LAUGHING) That's what Woody Woodpecker says. All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

You won't get away with this, Woods. You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog. What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind...

Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did!

That's so much better. Morning, Lois. I'm sorry about last night. I promise I'll make it up to you. Well, if you really mean that, I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today. Great, but can we do it after 5:00? There's a ball game on. Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out. Do you mind, Brian?

Here with an update is Greg, the Weather Mime. Ok, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold, and--and there's gonna be wind, and people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops. How awful! Oh, no. I'm sorry, that's--that's rain. Yes. It'll rain.

We can barely take care of the two we have.

My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.

That was some speech, Dad. Yeah. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it. Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail! Aye, she's a rose.

They're really pissed at me, aren't they? Oh, look who's starting to get it. Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them. I mean, how would you feel? Well, right now I feel like a jerk.

Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything. Anything! Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob.

Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband. It's been so wonderful having you home all week. Thanks, honey. But honestly I dunno how you stand bein' in the house all day.

Dad, what are we doing here? Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully.

Harry's choice of lifestyle is wrong. So we're gonna beat him up for it. Now, take these baseball bats and get to it. (HARRY GASPING) All right. Good so far. No, no, no, don't use the bats like that! No, no. Don't use them like that, either! All right, look. Just put them down and use your fists.

(THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM) Look! (SCREAMS) He's dead.

Good evening. Stevenson residence. Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin."

Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. Either he commits to you, or you're gone. What the hell did you do? Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! Well, I think you should, Brian. She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide. Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian.

You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay?

What the... Griffin? Angela, what the hell are you doing trying to kill yourself? Why the hell did you pull me out of there? You should have just left me alone! That's how I'm gonna end up anyway. What are you talking about? I'm talking about the fact that I have nothing to live for. Sure, you do.

Sweet statutory! You look beautiful.

"'but I just don't have the time.'" "'You should make the time,' said the farmer."

Pull back my chair ever so slightly. (SIGHS) Daddy's home.

Hey, sweet ass. Last night was fantastic. Hello? Where'd you go? (GASPS) (SNARLS) Oh. Well, then, I guess I worried for nothing.

Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man.

Shoo! Get lost. Hi, Dad. Chris, close the door, there's a... Oh, it's much nicer in here. I'm gonna float around for a while, then stick my needle in your shoulder fat while you sleep. I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid.

Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

I'm glad you're here. Look, I pulled this all apart, and it looks like you're gonna need a new condenser. Really? A new condenser? Yeah, and I would also highly recommend a complete flush of your photon conversion system. I swear I just did that.

You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that. Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

It's really good to see you, Meg. It's been a while. I know. I'm sorry, Luke. It's just so hard to get over here without anybody finding out. Have you gotten all the letters and hair that I've sent? It's the only thing that's getting me by, Meg. Thank you. How'd your parole hearing go? Not good. Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years.

You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha!

I want you in my advanced class. Advanced class? No, no, no, no, No. I'm trying to quit. Well, Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you. W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (PANTING)

So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is, I still have my penis. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.

Popsicle. Good. And you better be responsible tonight. I don't want a repeat of the last time I left you alone with one of our children. (SOBBING) It's just so horrible. I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right.

Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!

You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? Peter, what are you doing here? Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said.

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Guys, we need to make some guns. Guns? Guns only lead to trouble. Right, and When that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns, how--how would our forefathers have settled their differences? 8, 9, 10, and turn!

(LAUGHING) (GROANS)

Excellent, excellent! Hello. oh, We're not Jewish. But I hear you people have such lovely services. Oh, my God! I--I didn't mean "you people."

A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again! PETER: ...the bird is the word

I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt. Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here.

Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too.

Visit Chicago museum of art. Okay, we can do that.

I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die?

I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING)

Hand me that paper bag. Jack, that's got my poop in it. I know, I know. It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery.

Hey, when it's your turn to say "I do," you should say, "I do the Dew." And then we both pull out a Mountain Dew, and then I do, like, a radical skateboard jump off the altar. Well, obviously, yeah.

You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you. Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times. Yes, valid points you're raising, my friend,

But You can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were-- D-d-Did you just say "big meet"? Oh, My God! I did. Oh, We almost missed that one. I know. That was a close one.

Listen, Peter, I...

Meg? Meg, sweetie?

Well, I think Chris and Meg should know the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry, too. Kids, did you know the Pewterschmidts were among the first to colonize America? N-n-Now, kids, don't be taken in by The Man. Stay black and proud. Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians. Cool. And here's a picture of-- Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one.

All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out. I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked.

Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911!

Just hold still. Pretend you're at the vet. Vet? I hate the vet!

This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING)

Dinner's almost ready, kids.

All right, what do you say we get this thing started, huh? (LOIS GIGGLING) Whoo, nice roll, Lois! My God. If she chews gum, she's got the whole package. Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Take that, you jagoffs! I hope you die! God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports.

Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good.

Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic. Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one. Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people?

Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn.

You know, like Jesus drank. Do you like the wine? Very much. What is it? It's my blood. I have to leave. Nah, sit down.

I noticed you googled yourself, you egomaniac.

No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here.

You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand.

ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop! Wow! An Indian casino! Yeah. I gotta find me the stink lodge! ahh!

Who the fuck are you? Get away from our son! But Mr. Barrington told me to... Who's Mr. Barrington? - From the club. - What club? - You're in a lot of trouble, mister. - (YELLS)

Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing. Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star? I got more cowboy blood in me than Billy the Kid. (THE BALLAD OF BILLY THE KID PLAYING) Well, he robbed his way from Utah to Oklahoma

You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

I see the want to in your eyes (APPLAUSE) Terrific. Terrific.

And you know, I guess I learned something from all this. (SIGHS) You know what? We've done this a billion times, so you know what? I'm just gonna do the cadences. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

The two lesbians are going shopping. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids. Damn. Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians.

A phone? A pony? - A humidor? - A dead Lois? Yeah. Well, It's in the basement. Come on. Let's go see. My own phone! I'm gonna name him Sparky, and then I'm gOnna get hIm... What the hell? Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

Who the fuck are these people? (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) All right, Tom, this is totally gonna work. All the biggest Hollywood players eat here, and we just got to make them think we're one of them. That's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses. Waiter! Oh, waiter! Yes, sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order?

Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle.

There. Are you happy, Doug? Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing?

Neil, I wanna be your girlfriend. What? I was wrong to drive you away. We belong together. Of course, I'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me. You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that. - You wanna hook up? - Buy me something.

All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied. If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup. Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on...

Just a minute. Time out. This ain't quite right. Now I get it. We should go. Hang on, sweetheart. We're taking off.

Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing. Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat. Okay, hang on. See this? Yeah. You know what it is? Duh, it's an apple. Good, good, good. All right, watch this.

Let's see. I got 10% off a Netflix membership, some nice Cracker Barrel Cheddar, assorted lotions, and a little plastic champagne bottle full of jelly beans, and a little bear. See? Little bear. "Hey, Luke, we had fun on the Death Star."

Jason Patric! Ew!

I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this. - You're still my little buddy, right? - Yeah. Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom. - Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois. - Goodnight.

It's just this bit about a Planned Parenthood clinic on Halloween. Next. Brian, I am about to show you something that's gonna blow your mind! Do you know what the big bang theory is? Yeah, the theory that the universe started with a massive outward explosion from a singularity of infinite mass and infinite density.

Jasper's residence.

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING) Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me.

See, I'm an Indian, too.

Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill? No. You sure? This thing was unstoppable. This was the soundtrack to my '95. To my '95 and my '96, actually. No, thank you. Richard Marx, Hold On To The Night? (EXCITEDLY) Yes! (STUTTERING) I mean... Yeah, no... I mean, if you're giving stuff away, yeah, sure. All right, listen.

And take your whore daughter with you! How did it go, Dad? Very well, Meg. My recollection is that it went extremely well. Really? Oh, my God, Dad, that's fantastic! So I can see Eli again? EZEKIEL: Griffins!

Mmm, That was nice. That was nice. I--I had a really great time with you today, beautiful stranger. What's your sign? Ugh! Gross. I still think you're neat though.

Flannigan? Wait a minute. That's one of the corrupt cops who helped harbor Briggs while he was on the lam for 15 years. These guys are bad news. Oh, my God. What are they going to do to us?

Damn it! I love Mexicans. I'll do it!

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?

(BIRDS CAWING) That's good. Stretch it out, stretch it out because we're gonna start the training. I'm ready, Master Yoda. I'm ready to become a Jedi. All right, kid, let's do it. (ROCKY IV THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, well, well! H-How long have you been there? I came along right about the time you started pummeling her with your tail. You shut up! You love her! Ha! Oh! Oh, This is so good, it just has to be fattening.

Oh, I'm so proud of Brian. It's hard to believe he's the same dog who barked at a pineapple for four hours. Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you? There's the man of the hour. Hey, Brian, can you believe I found this blazer on the side of the highway?

Suck my dick, it's not enough!

It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.

Doodie. Diarrhea.

Well, I think I handled that pretty good, but--but I would like a second opinion. Hmm. Here it is. Oh, my God! Our car! Oh, man. Am I glad I caught you. I almost forgot. Don't start your car. Hey, Thanks for coming.

Oh, well, maybe I can do something else. Like, like, like the Space Needle. Or a banana. Or a Sharpie. I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night

We have to get the hell out of here! HotEl Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards!

(ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis. You say that about everybody. Yeah, we did it! But we lost Briggs. How are we going to find him now? We got nothing.

It's miraculous. Fuck.

He's in a coma, Lois. My God, what the hell happened? He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. Just goes to show anything can be dangerous. Is his family here? His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff. Oh, my God, not that guy. Is she still with him? Isn't he the one that beats her?

He got a hooker.

I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon? I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact, I've figured out how to navigate with absolute precision. Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go.

This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.

Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress? PETER: She gone? No. Okay, well, while I'm down here, let me give you my card. There you go.

Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden. (GRUNTING)

I'm just a prom night dumpster baby I got no mom or dad Prom night dumpster baby My story isn't long but, boy, it's awfully sad

You got to get back out there, coloring eggs and hiding them for kids. What, you mean reveal myself?

I have no future! I'm just gonna wait in my room until I'm dead. I'll be in shortly. Peter, we've got to do something.

And then he made me clean out the fridge in the employee lounge, and the employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted. I don't know what's in there!

And besides, how exactly do you think we're supposed to live here on the playground? We'll do fine, Brian! Everything is right here where we need it! The jungle gym is the grocery store, the swing set is the mall, the seesaw is the post office, and the sandbox is our summer home. Can you believe it, Brian? We... We have a summer home! I mean, yes, we'll...

Now it's an AIDS quilt. Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant. Oh, Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty of me not to fulfill my obligation to Mother. You know how much the pageant means to her. Where do you think she is? Well, thank God years ago I planted a homing device in your mother's skull for just such an occasion.

Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator. I guess all that's left is the psychological screening. Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir.

Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed. Well, someone should be. I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris.

They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

One day I was cleaning a bird cage, and a porn producer came in, and, well, the rest you know.

It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month. We'll be his period.

My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.

Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING)

All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire! Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag. Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down. - Uh, Peter, I'm not sure that that's-- - Not now, Lois!

Not possible. The activation phrase was something that no one would ever think to utter. What is it? The phrase is, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." You see, the U.S. government believes that one of these sleeper agents is right here in Quahog. Now, you two individuals live here. Are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely?

- Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be? Ahh!

Let's go butts-up and fast. Oh, no! Patch of sand. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God! Are you all right? I'm fine. Let's just keep riding bikes. Are you sure? That was a wicked wipeout. I'm fine. Can we just keep riding bikes, please?

All right, this is good. In and out of this house and onto the next one. What about the reindeer? (GROWLING) Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards. Now let's get down the chimney.

Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York... it' s Sa turda y Nigh t! TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? undefinedA rare miss. " don't think that was a sketch, Peter.

How do I know which one is the real dad? I... We never switched. We don't even look the same! All right, when's my birthday? Aw, crap. February 8th. (SCREAMS) Dad! There. That's more like it. You idiot!

Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Look, Lois, we were just trying to help Mort.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us. Good point, tom. We're even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio. Freak. So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

Oh, Jeni. Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni,

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay?

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you. I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done.

Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Sir, this means war! I am vanquished. I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy! Uh, Excuse me. Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella?

You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in. One is enough. Aye. I can. One gift is okay. I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

These are mushrooms.

Morning, everyone! Morning, champ! You feeling loose, today? Peter, what are you doing? What is all this? I'm a fight promoter now. And I got you another fight. You're boxing tonight at the Quahog Civic Center. Are you out of your mind? No, Peter That was a one-time thing, all right? I am not a boxer, and I'm not fighting anyone else.

Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her. Oh, I can't believe this. My baby's pregnant. How could this happen? I don't know, but regardless of how it happened, it happened. You're pregnant, Meg, and there's only one thing to do.

Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her?

Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed. Uh... Lois, aren't you a little freaked out by this? Why? Everybody's having a great time. Besides, think of the money we're making. I don't care about that. I wanted a cool restaurant, not the cafeteria at the veterans' hospital. This is weirder than that rap video by M.C. Escher.

Oh, my God! Uh, Hey, you guys! Hey, Brian? Can I be in the movie? WEll, actually, One of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up. How long can you hold your breath underwater, sweetie? Real long. One time at Hatch Pond-- No! Absolutely not! This is a closed set! You gotta leave! Get these people out of here! Now!

Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible.

Peter, is everything all right?

Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us.

Let's get loud, let's get loud Turn the music up, let's do it, come on, people, let's get loud

Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Oh, I know exactly where you're coming... Ow! It's in my eyes!

like that baseball team that Peter coached. Well, kids, just when I thought we'd never find an assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground. He's got a clown costume in his trunk, so we know he's good with kids, and pictures of boys in their underwear, so he's probably had some medical training. Well, I'm gonna take off while he fits you for cups in that windowless supply shed.

No, no, I totally get it, Peter. Snuggling is a basic human need. Right, I mean, who says that the body next to you has to be male or female or, you know, whatever? - Or alive. - Yeah! Well, no, but, yeah. Look, I think it's a great idea, and I'm completely with you. I'm in. Let's try it. Yay! That is such good news! And I'm so happy they gave us a booth.

One of these days, I'm just gonna take off and join the Rebellion, whether you like it or not.

(STAMMERING) Crap! Just a sec. Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests. I need some urine. You mean right now? Yes, right now. Here's some magazines to get you going. Uh, how's that gonna...

Shut up, Meg. Peter! Dad! You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay.

Miss Hobson, Stewie's really been acting out a lot at home. And I was just wondering, how's he been behaving at school? Hmm. Mrs. Griffin, let me show you some pictures he drew in class. Notice anything unusual?

I don't have to...impress you. Look, i--I'm not insensitive, Lois. But I just don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just because the dog's a cokehead. We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab. We'll just have to wait till next year. Aw, Man! Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med.

But he wronged one of us enough to want revenge. The question is, who?

But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

(LAUGHING) All right, where's the CEO's office? I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom. Executive bathroom, sir? Yes. Right this way.

All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Oh, he's perfect.

Brian! 5.3 seconds. I could have been dead by now! what, you mean--You mean, you're not really-- I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents! Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup! That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do!

Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here. What are you trying to do? Once I locate the proper code sequence, this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims.

I'm... I'm thinking this guy. Let me show you something that's funny. Okay, here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving. "I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. "Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!" (LAUGHING) Where's this guy been? Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun.

but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire. Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money. Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation. No, you know what?

Peter, you're scaring me! Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of lifE! YEah, Maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

makes me want to vomit.

I get it. Uh, Hello, everybody. This is, uh, just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director. A 5, 6, 7, 8. Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition

$1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter!

Please, Doctor, you've got to help him. You took an oath when you went to medical school. I took a lot of things when I went to medical school. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this. Hello? Ah, Hartman. (RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here.

So, I invited you all here to make amends.

That was weird. Did you hear that when I was giving her the phone? No. It was like interference or something.

Coming to A.B.C., the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. What the hell is this?

Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too. CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready. You in or out?

Atkins-friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest, and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out. Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail. Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, Lois, Peter, come on in. We were just praying for Scotty's recovery. If you'd like, you can join us. Well, that's what we wanted to talk to you about. You'd better not just have church toys. Look, I don't mean to question your religious beliefs, but as a mother,

No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you!

- Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom. Your mom's a whore! Yeah! Suck it! You're a whore-daughter! Yeah, Griffin gets it! Boy, I'm really looking forward to this.

Now, I've made a list of things I want to do before I die and you've got to help me since this is all your fault. Visit Chicago museum of art. Okay, we can do that.

Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex Sodomy Come on, everybody.

Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world? Uh, Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out. Now, it's time for bed. Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you. (WHISPERING) You're awesome. Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's.

I was shopping for hats... Hang on. I'm coming over. Oh, no. Don't go anywhere. Stay right there. Who's that? It's just this jerk that goes to my school. You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why. Is this the longest light ever, or what? Ah, there we go!

Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it.

Roger that. (BEEPING) Oops. Well, look at it this way. I just got you on next year's Oscar telecast. You'll be right after Ron Howard! Just messing with you, Ron. Or maybe not! No, seriously, I am. Or am I? No. Oh, there's Jasper's plane. Where? Third one in line.

You know, the over-privileged drunk ones, not the socially-responsible dead ones.

(STAMMERS) What happened? He fell. - Huh? - He fell. Fell in the pit. Oh! Good. Yeah.

Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too. Oh, God! It's starting already! Lois, we are screwed. Wow!

I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations. Aw, That's a small price to pay. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too.

Oh, yeah, I would. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would do everything to her. I don't care what she looks like. I would wreck that chick.

These students have the right to information about safe sex. Well, these parents don't think so. I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING) I can't believe they fired you.

Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS)

Met the greatest earthquake ever known

For the procedure to work, we would need to transplant two. But... But I only have two. That's right. The procedure would kill you. (LAUGHING) That car's getting towed!

(DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING) STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month.

This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!

Still twice yours, Joyce. Our top story tonight, Quahog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend. So head on down before the gays turn it into a cruising ground like they did the Barnes & Noble upstairs coffee bar, which they had to close. Well, I'm just happy Tom got his job back.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore.

Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like. Never mind. I'll come back later.

Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible.

Oh, Peter! Aah! Hey, You must be Lois. No, No, not silicone.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me!

Uh-oh! What is it? The horse is right behind the car. Peter, that thing is just creepy. Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie. All right, I'm gonna try something else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Guys, if we win this, we get Hastings. Yeah, let's do it! Let's go! All right, Hastings! The Ottoman Empire. I could get used to this. You know what? This is what I want our empire to be about.

Oh, My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself. Ahh! My device! My teeth! I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again.

I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?

couldn't hide my love for you You oughta know for haven't I told you so? Ok, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now. All right!

Uh, I'm a little short. I'll have to put the ham back. You know, I got some candy in my van, if your kid wants some. Oh, great! Wait a second! Ah, You got me! You got me.

But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike! Kids, I'm sorry to say this, but I think the two of you need to be punished. Look, it was an accident, okay? I mean, you can always buy another one, right? Buy another one? You know, I don't think you kids appreciate how hard your father and I work to provide you with everything we do. Sometimes you just seem to take us for granted.

- Like I'm going back for Meg. - Peter! Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg. - I know, but... - You bastard! How could you leave me in there? She's... Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know.

Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance. Volcano insurance? That's ridiculous. Oh, That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance. Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. So, Bill. We attack tomorrow.

I have gotta drink him so far under the table, he'll have no choice but to respect me. Get me a beer, Brian. I am gonna prepare for this as thoroughly as Ben Affleck prepares for a role. I got to be Henry VIII in 20 minutes. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Got it.

You need to wipe your neck with the soda can. I need to wipe my neck with the soda can. Do it! Now, get out of here, you slut. Okay. Can I keep the soda? Oh, all right. Yeah!

Hi, Scott! Guess what? I have a welcome home surprise for you. (GASPS) Dish, dish, dish. Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way? Oh, my God. Yes, I do. And you so did not even. Oh! But I did. Yoo-hoo! Guys.

The statue was originally a gift from France. What is this? Oh, Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch. (MR. NIGHT PLAYING)

God, I hate television.

You and I didn't quite get along when we first met When you put us together we just didn't blend

You're always getting medals for catching crooks.

Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town. If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair... ...l'll never ask you for shopping money again. Please? We promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly.

Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy JOYCE: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.

Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.

I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab. Okay, Doc, we got to have a talk at some point, but Brian, are... Are you... Are you sure about this? Well, there's no harm in seeing if I'm compatible.

Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me. Save it, Patrick. We know you escaped from the asylum and killed Bill. We'll just call him "Bill" for now.

You sure are, slugger. Hey, you got one for me? What? What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Uncle Rush. I don't know what you're talking about, really. Come on! Oh! Wait a second. Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush! Don't tell my dad. Rush, you're not giving him sweets, are you? God damn it.

We keep girls upstairs. I hope you burn in hell along with the guy who came up with stuffing a turkey. Hey! Who wants to try some of my butthole bread? Meg? Meg? (WEAKLY) Help me.

I know. Apparently, they were donated by Goldman's Pharmacy. Turns out Mort's cousin is Celine's opening act. Really? What's his talent? I understand he's a magician of sorts. All right, for this next trick, I need a quarter from the audience. Okay, thank you. (FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) (DOOR SLAMMING) (CAR STARTING) (TIRES SQUEALING)

Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy! Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy

My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat.

Ah, It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! This is great. This is the rush I've been looking for. Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks.

- ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...The Mondo Twins... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Tank Top Gay Face... (GIRLS SCREAM)

I'm just trying to join in. Yeah, you don't know what you're talking about, okay? You sound like... That's not fair. I think I'm doing pretty... No, you don't know the characters, Brian. You don't know the characters. If you could hear yourself right now, you would not stop throwing up. You can't just put He-Man in Transformers' world, all right? He wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia, and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension.

What? No, that's impossible! I can't lose all my money and my house! Then I'll have to move into some depressing divorced-guy apartment!

"Kick some ice." Entrapment. "The trap is set." RV. "On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream." Philadelphia. "Poop chute lawsuit." I don't remember that one. That one doesn't sound real. MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson, and for some reason, Steve Buscemi. Man, look at that Steve Buscemi.

This can't be it. This doesn't look familiar. You're right, Brian. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has to take a poop right just now. (ALL GROANING) Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too.

Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm... Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater?

It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I got to hear David Mamet curse in person.

You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. See? We had a plan for that all along.

What do you mean, honey? You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh? I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you. um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Down therE? Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown.

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you.

No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs. That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

All we know is it's a skinny white guy with a tattoo on his left butt cheek. Well, I better tell Cleveland. I got a knack for delivering bad news. I don't know how to tell you this, Mr. DeVanney. So I'll let these guys do it. You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS

Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying! Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite. One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips? Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it. You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull. Uh, I'm not breast-feeding. All right, fine. God, you're pushy. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck. Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance.

Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that? Look, I'm going to do a rally. I'll be back in an hour. A rally? Sweet. (CROWD CHEERING) The days of despair and hardship are over!

Sorry about that. Bad girl, Holly. No jumpies!

(STAMMERING) I don't understand. Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

but are you doing anything Thursday night? You probably have plans anyway. You know what. Forget it, forget it, forget it. Nervous. You know, Ryan, most people take one look at me and just assume that I have plans. So I never get asked out.

Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!

It's not a sob story! It's true! Oh, come on! You think I was born yesterday? I've dated convicts. I know how they talk. One day they're promising you the world, the next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during conjugal visits. Luke doesn't do drugs! Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again! I can't find the sweater.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, give an indifferent East Coast welcome to the newest bull rider, Peter the Kid! (CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out.

Mr. Griffin, Which of the following 2 phrases best describes Brian Griffin? "Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"? Um, i--I guess "problem drinker." But that's-- Thank you. Now, "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something"? Well, "Sexual deviant," but that other one's not even--

Peter! Are you all right? Where's your father? Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel. A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch? Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly,

And they said because of their faith, they don't believe in medicine. Mom, I think there's a lot of religions that do that. Well, that may be, Meg, but that poor little baby has cancer,

Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,

For God's sake, my eyes were barely open,

The bell I rang to prove that I was strong

Peter, why in the world would you want to play golf with O.J. Simpson? Why not, Lois? He's The Juice. One of the greatest football players ever. Peter, he murdered two people. What? He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. Simpson?

Sure. Stand there and bitch! But would any of you take the time to help me?

My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

That's so not funny. Now I gotta empty my pants.

My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge... (BELL DINGS) PETER: She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three.

it's bound to get people into the pharmacy. That's right, bring in the city folk with their big money and their long cigarettes and their dogs with shoes. Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no!

Hey. Hey. What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there? Oh, my God. Stewie, just shut up and go to bed!

Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does!

Thank God, we're finally here. That plane ride took forever. Kind of weird they showed Flight 93 on Flight 93. Hi. We're checking in. Griffin? Hmm, I do have a Griffin here, but that room was checked into hours ago. What? Yes, and I'm afraid we have no other rooms available. I see. Is there a less heavy person that could check again for me?

All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Police! Random dead-body search! Oh, My God, Lois! Stall them!

What shall we play next? Well, let's see what you have. You have a pop-up version of The Unabomber's Manifesto? Yes. At the end the brother pops up and turns you in. What's this on your Etch A Sketch? Oh, those are some advanced mathematical formulas I've just been tinkering with.

For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country. Oh, you! I can't even express how mad I am at you right now. If it wasn't for you, those planes would've hit the World Trade Center. Brian, what the hell did you do? I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. What did I tell you about altering the past?

My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow! MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson!

Ooh. Well, that's why we have the lab.

Oh, man. I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model. I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island. Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire. Pardon me. Are you Lois Griffin, the Goldman's Pharmacy girl? Yes, I suppose I am.

our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Wow, Jimmy. That was everything Ladies Home Journal said it would be. Awesome, great, thanks. You know, there's something I.... There's something I gotta tell you. Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York... it' s Sa turda y Nigh t!

To Joe Swanson, and the biggest drug bust in the history of Quahog! (ALL CHEERING) Officer Swanson, I just wanted to say congratulations. I'm Nora. I just joined the force.

and her name is Bitch Duck. That kind of looks like Mom.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

This year, instead of exchanging gifts, I told him it would be nice if we could just spend a romantic day together. Oh, dear! I think we all know what that means. Boing! Gross.

You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here! That's better!

It's wet and cold. Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away.

I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too.

but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself.

Peter, what the hell is going on? You fired everybody at Daddy's company? You bet. Are you out of your mind? Keep it up, Lois, I might fire you. You wouldn't. Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you? Okay, I'll behave. Yes, you will. Look, Peter, all I'm saying is, those guys have been with Daddy for years.

Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world. I don't care. We've got to find a way to summon Death and quick. Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois.

You talk to Matt Lauer lately?

Wait! I got to hear more! Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high! Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station! Last time I do somebody a favor! Oh, God! They must have heard me! Oh, God! I can hear me!

I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE! Welcome, gentlemen! It's him! Quick, shoot him! Not so fast! Perhaps I could offer you a glass of port. And you a glass of starboard. Ha! Ha! That's a little nautical joke.

All right, fine. (LAUGHING) What a slut. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?

Wouldn't you say, Tom? Diane, I'd say it was perfect if you Weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage. Now, Let's go live to the field where the Black Knight is preparing to challenge his next opponent.

It's an iron lung. It keeps me from dying. I want to play baseball! And With me is one of Paul's classmates, Chris Griffin,

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) That's our guy!

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time!

I think what this is, is simple exploitation of the American people who could be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful, like legitimate healthcare that they actually need. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (INDISTINCT)

Oh, crap! This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am!

Um, a guy doing chicks on a boat in a, uh, captain's hat. Okay, I'm checking. The, um... (CLEARS THROAT) The passengers had just signed up for a tour of the harbor and then all that stuff happened.

Waiter, there's a dead guy in my-- Peter, you can't force-feed maturity.

Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk-music trio.

(EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass.

Hi, future Peter. I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home. Look outside and you'll see a grown tree. PETER: (ON VIDEO) I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home. Look outside and you'll see a grown tree. Yay! Now look at your hand. It's just a nub, 'cause I'm gonna cut off all the fingers.

Cleveland? I'll teach the boy.

I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head. Well, If I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem.

Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up? Now, get lost. We'll take it from here. (GASPS) (GUNSHOT) Kiss my grits, you cheap dime-store hood. This ain't over, Lachance.

It's obeying all the rules! No way!

Victory is ours.

Come on! Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that.

(EXCLAIMS) This idiot will fit in with our family as badly as Peter fit in with The Proclaimers. But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more

Meg, what's wrong? I was giving Stewie a bath, and... and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood!

Oh, that's pretty. yech.

I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug. What? I'm just glad to have you back on my side. I only wish I could convince Meg and her classmates, too. We'll show them somehow, Lois. I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews.

(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this. For God's sake, you're a patient of mine. I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white?

He was all coked up and we were choked up But now we're happy Brian's home, Cha-cha-cha!

Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it!

Honey, do something! Well, No baby. But it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble. Peter, that's the head! Push! Push! I am! It won't go back in! Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull! Oh, My God! What? What? It's a beautiful baby girl.

Now, let's sit on chairs next to each other and get dick dances. Boy, this is fun, eh? Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman who came with her co-workers. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot!

Ho! Ho! Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one. Yeah, Next one's coming for your head! Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent!

You dumb bitch! BABS: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to. But the lucky one was me. And from there, our romance blossomed. Boy, you can take a punch, but at the same time, you cowered a little bit.

Hi, guys. Hi, Jillian. Oh, hey, Jillian. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. Oh, are they showing? It's a really thin bra. Peter, I came over to ask you something. Will you give me away at my wedding? Wow, sure! That'd be great! Jillian, don't you want your own father to give you away?

Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice?

I could cook you something. You want some spaghetti? That's like my specialty in junk. Yay! (SCREAMS) Dad, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting like such a bully? 'Cause there are two kinds of people in this world, Chris.

Well, la-de-da. I don't need my food brought to me. I'm not a broken- down old mule! I can still work! I can still take orders! Oh, hey! hey, dad look! Hey, dad, look! Hey, dad! Dad! You gotta-- Look, uh, look! Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. (FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie,

I think I have an idea. This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves.

What am I gonna do, Brian? James Woods has taken my life and my family. I know, Peter, but identity theft is one of the hardest things to fight. How you gonna handle it? I don't know, Brian. All I know is, I sure do miss Lois. I gotta find a way to see her.

Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw. Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Ah, there you are, boys. Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter.

(GASPS) Stewie, I...

- Mama used to call it "Fool-Aid." - (LAUGHING) CARTER: No, I don't get that. And everybody had an Uncle Earl. You know, that uncle that sit around in the house all day in his under-drawers saying he between jobs. To be between jobs, you had to have had a job in the first place! (LAUGHING) CARTER: That's accurate! And Earl got that cell phone. He on the Sprint plan.

So I clicked on it, and the girl's got a bigger wang than I got. No way! No way, right? So I did... So I just put my thumb over it, and then... And that got me through the rest of the... Of the session.

What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something? Picking on the new kid, huh?

Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

No, that's what they'll be expecting. Mayor West? Well, well, Mr. Toilet. I thought you were in the Hamptons. No, no, no. It's me. Meg Griffin.

Kind of, yeah. Well, guess what, that's my back.

(SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS)

And so let us take a look back on his life through this video commemorating all the DUIs that he was responsible for. I will remember you Will you remember me?

All right, all right. What's wrong with Stewie? I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter. That's what I just said. I said that.

(ARGUING) Look, you guys just say the word and I'll put this ball with cheese in it on the floor.

- He ran away to join the Peace Corps. - Oh, my God! Give me that! No, that. [Laughing raucouslyl I'm bored with it now!

It's going to take some time, Joe.

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where a dude can pick a fight Where a dude can pick a fight Over who takes home That smoking Chinese bar skank On the right

I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light. Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home.

What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here?

Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, and leave me alone. It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. You let the fat man talk you into moving out. You let Jillian walk out the door. Stop getting pushed around. Be a man. If you want her, go get her.

(AS KARINA) Yes, well, that gives you no right to be a blaggard! Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out!

Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!

Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes.

he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep!

Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus?

Just calm down, calm down, Brian. I've got the return pad.

You're so vain You're so vain

She was still passed out on the couch when we left. (GROANS) What the hell happened? Joe! You're okay! Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on?

You and I will be the best brother-sister team since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. I'm more off-putting. No, I'm more off-putting. I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. Well, I'm a bigger box office drag. Kids, kids. You're both... Just awful.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Now It's Just Getting Sad. Okay, okay, hear me out. My character is a therapist living in the city, but I'm married to an elephant. Hi, I'm the husband.

You know, it's funny. You keep so busy with your kids, time just seems to slip away, and then you turn around one day and... Okay, bye. Stop making noise. (SIGHS) You know, Peter, I know Lois is downplaying it, but I think she might actually appreciate it if we threw her a party. Maybe even a surprise party.

You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow! Hey, Stop! False alarm! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, My God! I'm flying! I'm flying! Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite. One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

You aced the flight simulator.

And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah! Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

but I can't wait to see you tomorrow night.

Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it. - Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk? - Huh? You know that scene where Yoda comes in and they are about to have that big fight? Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I mean, I'm just saying, what does he, what does he need a desk for? Who the hell cares?

(MIMICKING SEAN CONNERY) Now, time for some unfinished business. No, James. Yes. No, James. Yes. You're going to have sex with me. No, James. I don't want to. Yes, you do. - No, I don't. - Yes, you do. No, I don't! Yes, you do! - Okay, yes. - See that? Fifty no's and a yes means yes.

She hates dogs.

Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this, Watch this. Hey? Uh? Look, see that? see that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Ok? Ok?

For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is.

I won this in 1989 from a Honey Nut Cheerios sweepstakes and I totally forgot to cash it in. It's one free round of golf with a famous celebrity. Wow! Who's the celebrity? I'll give you a hint. Famous football player. Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno.

So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand.

I got your hat! Take that, hatless!

But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed. Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! TOM: I don't care, Son. I just do not care.

Well, No baby. But it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble. Peter, that's the head!

Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous. Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go. What is this? It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.

Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party. Okay, okay, ready? Here goes. I'm a female. I have a high voice. I have reproductive organs inside of me. And I buy groceries. Peter, your religion is an abomination.

Well, If we're gonna hide out here in Asiantown, we have to find a place to live. Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders.

Okay, Stewie, let's get that little face washed off. Then you can play with your bath toys, huh? STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that? Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel.

I never slept with Francois. What? But Peter said... Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter. I said she wanted to. Damn it, Peter!

You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store.

Peter, look out for that car!

I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project. Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?

What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer?

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Thanks. Hey, How about a couple of drinks? Certainly, sir. Martini for you and the usual roofie colada for your date? No, no, No. I--i-- We-- I wouldn't bring-- Uh, glass of wine. Oh, my God! That's Jennifer Love Hewitt! Wow! I wonder who she's here with? She could date any man she wanted to.

Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

It was awful. That kid was a complete thug.

Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles.

Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man? My whole life's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs!

We got two Brians in our universe now.

Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication. And it's not even your name on the label. What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama? And what is... What? What? This is a chicken leg. Are you also making soup?

This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson? JEFFERSON: Here. Benjamin Franklin? FRANKLIN: Here. John Footpenis? HANCOCK: It's Hancock now. Why? HANCOCK: Mind your business, that's why. Well, somehow this school needs to raise its test scores right away!

"Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay. Or is he? Let's read on. Ok, I'll be there.

See, the mailbox is like a time portal. Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later.

I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say.

No wonder. You dropped your pacifier. You have a baby? Yeah, it's a long story. Damn kid's kept me up every night for two weeks. Now, where were we? Giggity Giggity... (SNORING)

Ah, She was a good dog.

You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie!

Dear God, I'm un-teething. Brian, it appears the flow of reverse time is beginning to affect us as well. What does that mean? It means I'm going to have to relive everything. Every painful, awkward moment. Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.

Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted. Yeah. How'd you know he was bluffing? Well, When he lies, he blinks twice. I fIrst noticed it when he did that Barbara Walters interview, and He said he'd be with Jane Fonda forever. Well, I'm gonna turn in. Yeah. Me, too. I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically cleansing the "Small World" ride. Oh, Come on. You guys practically run this country.

What did you say? Quagmire's flying to Alaska? Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on! I get what you're driving at. If Carol can't have Mayor West, no one can. Quagmire, I want you to crash that plane. No survivors, you hear me? Peter, for God sakes, no! Tell him to turn the plane around. Hey, listen, Quagmire, turn the plane around and bring it back here.

Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

All right, fellas. We've been out here for months And we all know that men have certain needs. And being there's no women around, we're gonna have to have an orgy. - Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm,

- Are we there yet? - No! Are we there yet? Damn it, I swear to God,

Ok. Go! Oh! Oh! aah!

Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING) Now I'm sad.

I forgot my purse. All right, All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet.

""I'm a slutty cancer survivor." Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

CARTER: Look at that, huh? Look at the crappy job your friends are doing. And here's something that's gonna piss you off even more. Fire at will!

No. Where's your father? He was supposed to put the lasagna in the oven. Ugh! I ask him to do one thing while I'm at yoga. You go to an intro class,

and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining. My God, I'd better see a doctor. But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit. Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town. Listen, I know I'm not a regular patient, but I think I have some trouble with my prostate.

Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

and then tell people not to go in there. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, you kids stay out of that cave! You don't know what's in there! (SIGHS) Money well spent. We're looking for fun, interesting families that viewers will want to watch.

Mr. Griffin, I still don't understand. Why exactly does your son want to join the Jewish faith? Heck, I don't know. He--He's bi-curious. I appreciate your interest,

Well, not so good.

A Japanese or something. I'm with you, too, buddy. In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years. God bless the both of you.

Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material! What's this? Bedpan? Peter Pan. Next stop is Neverland. Come, Wendy, fly with me. (BEEPING)

(FARTING) Sorry! Sorry. Been building up for a while. Sorry. (CONTINUES FARTING) I'm sorry.

Well, it's one or the other, Brian. Geez, look at those two.

There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of. Hey, Chris, come on! Let's corner the nerds and call them gay and make them show us their penises! (CHUCKLES) Won't that be gay of them? (LAUGHING) Yeah! (LAUGHING) That is grotacular! JOCK 1: Way to go, man. CHRIS: Awesome, bro.

Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!

Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury.

Come on, everybody, over the fence. Ah, yes, a fence. The cripple's natural enemy. I think we lost him. There they are. Quick! Into the sewer.

This is awesome. Now that we're rich, our lives are going to be so much better. You sure it was such a good idea to cash that lottery check? It seems foolish to have all this money lying around. Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? (LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right!

Are you kidding me? Are they not seeing this? I know, it's kind of creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois. Yeah. Looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Oh, boy, this is going to be fun.

I--I really appreciate you putting your discomfort aside, so we could have the wedding here. Oh, please, I'm over all that now. Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. They deserve happiness. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody gay!

You.... You guys know I have no problem with black people, right? Yeah. Sure. You did say you hated Croolrlyn.

Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP!

God, I hate being handicapped.

(APPLAUSE) Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am.

Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America.

Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Seven. Seven prostitutes. This is a shakedown. Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work. Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out.

You know, this resort offers some wonderful amenities. They have bird-watching, wine tasting, horseback riding. Yeah, they also have stork startling.

Hmm... What was that first thing you said? Oh, I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. I mean, I was just remarking what a nice tie you have on. I love this tie. All right, you folks take care now.

She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now. Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh! Oof! I smell a messy diaper. God! Why does that turn me on?

Come on, sugar. It's time. Thank God. Oh, He's cute. Aren't you precious? Lethal injection. Next! What? Oh, no! You can't do this! Who's up for a little lunch? Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex? I'm sorry, sugar. Help me.

What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!

My God! I'm a tomato!

(SCREAMING) What the hell was that about? Was that Stewie and Brian? (MILEY ROARING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this.

None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you, all right? Jeez, I gotta get gas. Hey, any of you guys want a soda? I'm gonna go inside and get a soda. Mom! Meg, you know your father loves you very much. Mr. Griffin? Oh, my God! Hey, look, Meg. It's Kevin from next door.

Yeah. Oh, no, I mean, I couldn't... You know, whatever you make will be fine. - Hey, Biggs. - Yeah? You're just as big a part of this as... I mean, you're doing stuff, and I think that's great!

(CATS YOWLING) Oh, oh, oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, oh, no. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ew! Ew! Ew! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. You're cute. You're cute. I don't want to pet you, though. Oh, all right.

What do you mean, "Internet porn"? You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me.

Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages...

If only there was someone on board who could save us. I said, if only there was someone on board who could save us. Peter, I don't see Quagmire. - Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire.

everything's gonna be ok.

Mary Magdalene. And who was she? A prostitute. Which means, if they had cameras back then, I bet she would have done a porno.

Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't die from that weird sleep-breathing thing I have. (SCREAMS) You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day, I was thinking, "Let's do something we've never done before." Release the virus?

Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here! They stink of good cheer, Lois! After we've had our fill of bread and wine, we shall tell tales of other times we had our fill of bread and wine.

Yeah. No thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire. Wonder what the hell happened to them. BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have,

Was I angry? Yes, of course! But I didn't kill him!

Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.

Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!

Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on. Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future.

Joe, hold your handcuffs over my lap. (PANTS UNZIPPING) What the hell is that? Swiss Army penis. (SAWING) Wow, Quagmire. That's incredible. Peter? (SAWING) Yours are made of a stronger metal. We're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis. (HISSING) Don't look right at it.

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge. (FARTING)

Ok. Ok. So how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane,

Here we go, Dad!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dracula in San Francisco.

Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da! I guess we got some kind of joker here!

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President!

Hey, Brian, you see that magazine cover right there? See who's on it? Yeah, that's Jessica Alba. Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy? - What? - I would do her. - Really? - Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know a little bit about who I am. Thanks for the milk, Carl. What the hell? $400?

I'm Mike Wallace.

Uh, Yeah, I guess.

That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris. Here we go, Dad! Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Yee, would your people really do this?

NARRATOR: The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Lois, uh, I was thinking, w-Why don't I fly out to Palm Springs and pick up Stewie? Really? yeah, A trip like this is just what I need to clear my head. Well, That would be wonderful. It'll give me time to catch up on my reading. Oh, Usually there are so many distractions.

(CHILDREN CLAMORING) Why is the ironing board still out? That's-- That's my favorite picture of Brian over there on that wall. He wants to have sex with me so bad.

Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage? And now the real reason to have an HDTV.

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!

Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one.

I got you now, Briggs.

He's got my neck! (SCREAMING)

Hey, uh, can I talk to you privately for a second? Sure. That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point. I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends.

PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns,

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch.

Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol? Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois.

(FARTS) All right, we're gonna do it once more.

Whoa! Whoa! Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that. You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day.

Last one to open their chute gets 20 bucks. Okay. I'm in. Damn it. I'm dead already, Peter. You're looking at a dead man. I might not even pull the cord at all.

Peter, come closer. There's something I need to say to you. I'm here, Dad. What is it? Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do.

Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.

Oh, Cleveland, isn't there anything I can do to make you happy? Yes, there is. You can live your life, Loretta. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can. I love you.

it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.

What are you getting at? No, no. I'm pretty sure the "M" is for "Marriott." How do you know? Because I once got a note from the Marriott written on the same paper. "Dear Brian. You were amazing last night. Love, Ida." (LAUGHS) This is from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad. Come on!

I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

I would like a "bunny." What kind of "bunny"? A semi-automatic "bunny" or a hand-held "bunny"? Whichever "bunny" you think is better for shooting a guy in the head.

I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife. You're just fat, Stewie. Silly and fat.

(RUMBLING CONTINUES) (GASPS) Peter, what was that?

Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... Don't know... And now sports. That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement?

Hey, let's have a drink with them. You've never touched a drop, Peter. You don't even know those guys. Those are your friends over there. Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here. Some people, gee whiz. Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan.

Hey. You okay? Yep. Just waiting for my car. Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great, and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.

While I was waiting for you, I was shooting pool. Had to hold the cue at weird angles, but still. Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing? Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.

Go ahead. Take them down!

Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Oh, My God. Where's Stewie? He's around. Argh! Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon! Peter, that's sick! It's ok. He's outside the underwear.

And they seem to think I'm Sum 41. All the small things... That's Blink-182. Sum 41 is the band that married Avril Lavigne. Oh... Huh! Seems like everybody would turn out a loser in that situation. Everybody did.

(ALL SHOUTING) Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are here to take what's ours. Well, I mean, technically it's yours, but we don't feel like you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it anyway. But, Peter, why would you want to harm a fellow American citizen?

(SCREAMING) Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

(GASPING) I thought I was gonna die. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial. But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) From Joan and Keith. You know what? This is never gonna work, Stewie. Loretta cheated on Cleveland. She's not gonna want to go back to him. Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking.

ooh, Our leader is here to take us on our journey! My children, rejoice. The hour of transformation is close at hand. Who are you? This is Meg, O, wise one. Can she come with us? Perhaps. Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment and a heart that seeks purity?

Alf. B-by--By the 3rd season, I was completely wasted all the time. I--i--I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But, uh, would I do it all again?

Well, what are we gonna do? We got to figure out what happened at this point in time. And I'll tell you another thing that worries me. You ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present?

Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it! Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working!

Mmm, Delicious. I will seriously consider purchasing this product. Oh, What have we here? May I partakE? mmm. ah, Sausage-san. Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies.

Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with Luck be a lady tonight Luck let a gentleman see

What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey!

Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you!

Come here, baby. Let's head upstairs and play hide-and-go-anal. (LOIS LAUGHING)

Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING) (SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy! PETER: I can't get involved 'cause of journalism. Tom! Tom Tucker! Tom! The news isn't funny. It's not supposed to be funny. Tom, who were you having dinner with in there? Was it a guy? Are you gay? Someone said you were gay. It was me.

Chris! Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good.

(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

Mommy missed you so much!

According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit.

Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes. Well, here I am trying to help you with something... You know what, I don't need your kind of help, all right? Have a great assault. Jerk.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Order now and receive Sounds of the 80's Studio Audience, which includes "Trouble Brewing" AUDIENCE: Ooh! MAYOR: as well as "Sweet Moment" AUDIENCE: Aw! MAYOR: and, of course, "Ethnic Kiss." (AUDIENCE CHEERING) This is an offer you don't want to miss. But don't take my word for it.

Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker.

Ha! You got nothing going on. Hi, Brian. I'm Cathy from the book society. So glad you could come. Hi there. I... You know, I wasn't sure I had the right address. Pizza Parlor, huh? Yeah, the group loves this place.

An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman?

So we're a little in the red right now. But you got to spend money to make money, champ. Moving on. All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money.

I suppose. I just wish we didn't have to borrow money from a loan shark. I mean, that guy seemed pretty serious. Okay, and just a couple of remaining items. Please indicate here if I look like a schmuck to you. I'm gonna say no. Great. Then please check here and initial there. Uh, next, do you think this is some kind of game? Um, no. Okay, initial, please.

(SOBBING) Meg, what's wrong? Eli's father, Ezekiel, said that I can't see him anymore! He said I was trying to corrupt his son. He did, did he? Well, that does it! We are gonna teach this town how to dance! Oh, Meg, I'm so sorry.

(FLUSHES) (HISSES) (SIGHS) Get out!

uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something.

(GIGGLING) (WOOD CLATTERING) Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Hey, guys? I got a problem. You know how Lois has that dad? Yeah. Well, we were there the other night for dinner,

Oh, my God, what happened? I'll tell you what happened. A group of kids attacked me at Costmart because you portrayed me on your show as a raging puppet bitch! Writers take from their lives. You married a creative type. You knew this was a risk. What's that supposed to mean? Well, the last few weeks, you've been nagging the hell out of me.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her!

Quick, we got to turn the channel. I promised my friend Joyce I'd watch the news tonight. FEMALE SINGER: Channel Five We're there for you When times are tough We'll help you through

Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God!

Look Sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again, and down here in small print it says, "He's signing it. He's signing it. "I can't believe it."

What were your gradeS? uh... Uh... Uh... Quit Stalin and answer your father. Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?

Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could,

In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years. God bless the both of you. Hey, it's 4:30. Isn't there an early-bird special you should be running off to? She's 50, Stewie! She's not an old woman. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Rita.

Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas.

Who is better? Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik? Um, the Iron Sheik? Okay. He is one of us. I told you.

It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world I say, fat man. Get me out of here.

I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word.

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist-- I'm a guy, you jackass!

Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it.

Oh, yes, I am! Now you get out of my way! Lois, you go down there and I'll blow the place up! You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy! You know I would! So what, you'd kill a bunch of doctors to show them that killing is wrong?

Peter, I'm interested in the redhead with the wooden arms and legs over there. You think you could introduce me? That's a table, Seamus. Don't point at her. Don't point. She's looking. Oh, great. Now I gotta go in. Hey, I'm Seamus. Man, I'm telling you, this party is on the hook, man. You said it, friend. Don't let me near cassette player, or I will be disc jockey all night.

Clear off the couch, kids. I'm gonna do your mother right here. But you guys might have to help stuff me in. Oh, my God, Peter! Oh, I'm leaving. I cannot get sick right now.

What the deuce? Where did this come from?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no.

(LAUGHS) Okay, now fire at everybody else. Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional! I still don't get it. I'm 5. Bang, bang, boom, boom!

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois? Now we know what to get him for Christmas. I love the holidays. Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control. He's terrorizing the whole family. Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he did to Meg yesterday.

I just need to make a few more calculations. (SNIFFING) Whoa! Sorry about that. Bad girl, Holly. No jumpies!

Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Everything's fine, Everything's fine. Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets.

Hey, Peter, does your tail itch?

Ooh! He's sorting your recycling 'cause he loves our Mother Earth. If you weren't so busy trolling for booty all the damn time you could do it yourself, like the law says you should. Ooh! It's on now! Wait a second! What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along! I couldn't have stolen it.

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell?

In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High. That's right, Tom. It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse. Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go black, you go deaf." Sounds like there's a pattern developing, Tom.

Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING)

No, I think this one's all yours. Go, girl! All right! One's an innie, and one's an outie.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here. No, my food was more expensive. I feel bad if... We invited you. I've got this. Look, just let go of the check. You let go of the check. I'm not taking my hand off this thing. Well, neither am I. Let go of the check. Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this!

Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

- l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy. LOIS: "It seems today that all you see

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two.

It seems today that all you see

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque.

(ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches! Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Oh, wait, I can hurdle my own leg like they used to do in the '90s. Okay, all right, this is gonna sound really weird. This is gonna sound really weird, but I really want you to do it, okay? What?

- Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test... and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, you know, I just wanted to ask...

No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger. (GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it.

Yeah! Pull over. Bye. All right, Carter. I finished cutting together our anti-pot video. Take a look.

I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God!

We used to be able to do whatever the hell we wanted.

We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too. CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready. You in or out?

You know, I really don't want to talk about this with you, Stewie. Okay, okay, I respect that. Thank you. Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? I'm sure. Oh, good, 'cause that'd be strange if you had fantasies about pressing a gun up against your crotch and feeling your heartbeat through your balls. Please tell me why you have it.

I will not turn a brown eye to this.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you.

(SNIFFING) What smells like head? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show, and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston. Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey.

You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America. We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburned, freckled fat guy. A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations. A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting.

Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like.

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but... Wait a minute. I love saying I told you so! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, Stewie Griffin, meet Stewie Griffin. Nice to meet you. Charmed, I'm sure. Great outfit. Go on. No, it is. So what if there's a new dog? Lots of families have two dogs. Hey, Brian, I thought maybe we could spend the afternoon together.

DOLPHIN 2: Where? What? Oh! You know I'm just playing with you. Man, you are... Oh, I thought you was talking about other seaweed. You know I got jokes. (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) I'm gonna slap you with my fin.

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING)

In fact, sometimes good things can happen. Oh, Jeni. Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni, your H.B.O. comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. And what a sweet ass.

I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

You know, it would be fun to write some new songs. You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud. So I was thinking we could... Streaks on the china Never mattered before Who cared When you drop kick your jacket When you came through the door

This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat.

What do you want? Financial advice. Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello! Max Weinstein?

Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later. What the fuck?

What? You son of A... Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden. What are you getting all bent out of shape about? Well, you know, Karl, i--I didn't get... I got virtually nothin' here, you know? Look, I don't see what the problem is. No, you wouldn't, would you? L-Look, all I'm saying is, I got the raw end of the deal. You invited me over. Yeah, well, now I'm regretting it.

I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you. What? When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding that she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up, I'll let you take that one for me, Brian. - Are you serious? - Quite. Okay, you got a deal.

Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end. Now, I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part 4.

And the motion carries. The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy. (CROWD CHATTERING) (FART RESONATING) Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on.

Oh, I more than enjoyed it.

Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!

(LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you. All right, Mr. Griffin. At this time we're going to inject you with what we believe we've isolated as the gay gene. I don't understand. Well, if we're correct, we will have successfully proven that homosexuality is genetic, and not a matter of choice or environment.

Anyhoo, have you told him how good it is?

(GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING) (GUNSHOT)

a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for "party over here"! Aw, Forget the party. The world's gonna end! Y2K! I heard it from a chicken-man. Oh, Peter, you are the height of just- too-mucheriE. WEll, Laugh all you want.

Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face!

I think Brian's a wonderful man. He's just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality. Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite. He's insecure. And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday.

We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch.

Mayor West, come up here. All right, good. Looks good. All right, I'm a hot chick in a club. What do you say to me? You're not attractive, but I'll do you as a favor. (LAUGHS) Lucky for you! Hey, Paw, you're late. You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women,

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell. Uh... Hi, Loretta. Brian! Stubby! What are you doing here? Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us.

Gentlemen, we got us a black man. (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, boy! What a fantastic evening! Jerome, you are a wonderful addition to our group.

Here are the products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year. The African-American heart monitor. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead. (READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none.

What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john.

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus. There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.

Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you?

Lois, am I glad to see you. I have nothing to say to you, Peter. I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way.

uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action! Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers. We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted!

Good morning, everyone. Oh, crap, he's in love again. I know, I know. But this time it's for real. You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for. Oh, please, you've only known her a week. Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole life for.

"Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"?

I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5. It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Was that for Party oF 5, too? No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party oF 5?

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson.

Ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Guess who? Stop it, Chris. Wrong! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, Wait. Did you say "Chris"? Stewie, time for breakfast!

Peter, how could you? WhoopS.

Yes, they will. I baited them with these plump and tasty Fenway franks. Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one! Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in. Hello. Say, get the hell off my-- Hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass.

(SCREAMING) Das poop! I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working?

(ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again.

Yello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter. What's up? Not much. Well--Well, what do you want? Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. What you thinking about? Wha--What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me! I just wanted to say hi.

Hey, hey, you know what would be cool? If he did the news with a family of prairie dogs, and whenever he said something sad, they'd pop their heads up, all concerned. Peter, you sure that's such a good idea? People rely on the local news to provide them with several stories a year on how saltwater taffy is made. Yeah, if you're a Nielsen family, it seems like you should maybe be a little more thoughtful with your choices.

(CHUCKLES) I have that shirt at home. (GROANS) You... You pushed me. Boys, boys. We can settle this like reasonable and sexy teenagers. Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins.

Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog.

(BONES CRACKING)

Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good? You.... You guys know I have no problem with black people, right? Yeah. Sure. You did say you hated Croolrlyn.

OH, You've got trouble if you don't beat iT.

But oh, no! I'm naked! Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! Ya! Ahh! Ahh! Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.

Oh, Ok, Ok. Grab my hand. And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth. My God! He just walked right over the edge.

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream. Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you. They're gonna be sticking needles in you everywhere. You know, Peter, you were right, this is actually kind of a rush.

but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!"

Honey, I'm home. What the hell is this? (SHOUTING) Who's he? Thank God you're home, honey. He tried to rape me. Oh, that's bullshit. You get out of our home!

- (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right

And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. Mmm. ohh. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm... Mmm-mmm. Mmm.

(ALL CHEERING) Wow! What a hero. Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team? Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. Yeah, buddy. Great job stopping those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust.

I'm sure Joe's gonna acknowledge you. You'll see.

- Oh, no! - Oh, no!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher. In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe...

You're right, Cheryl, he's just a user. And you, Glenn. I was always waiting for you to grow up, but you're still that unicycle street performer with a dream in his eye and a parrot on his shoulder. That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things live forever. Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it looks like that's all you are. Boys.

What's up, New Bedford? You look like rappers, but you're not black, so that's the perfect amount of danger. Oh, God. Hey, listen, you guys get to know each other. Looks like my doorman let another gazelle in here. I'm sorry, but we've been over this before.

What? But he is. ...n't. My God! This is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.

MALE VOICE: I think we can all benefit from a little strange now and then. I know I will. Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you,

Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh? Come here! Ah! (GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called.

Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel.

Was it because I didn't sniff your butt first? What? No. I mean, yes. That's how I would know you were interested. But, Meg, the fact is you and I are friends and that's the way it needs to stay.

You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar... (TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor." This is ridiculous. That never happened.

Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog. Hey, listen, sister, I just...

In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest. Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.

Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off,

My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I--

I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!

I'm Dick Pump, and I'd appreciate it if you hooligans didn't get your eggs all over my parcel. Sorry. I keep getting your mail, Dick. Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff.

WOMAN: Hello, boys. Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch.

where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement... and then end with something good. Whatever you gotta do. Okay. Let's see. Something good. Something good. Something good. You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile. Where you need improvement. You have smelly dog farts.

For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

Mr. Weed, I, uh,

Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money. Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir! Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but...

And then a Nazi came!

"She was grace in name and in essence. "To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light.

You know what, Brian? It took me two hours to spell "hat" with these things. I finally got the "T" right side up, and then you come in here... You're a bastard. Where are you going?

Meg, Did I ever tell you that if you're on birth control and you take an antibiotic it makes it not work?

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

Han, come over here. I found this. I suck. Hey, maybe we get out of the woods before nightfall, on account of the ghosts and all. Hey, guys, look over there! It's a hot girl from Florida. No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom! I see you've met my daughter.

Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel.

Here's your present.

No way, Banta. He's a nut job. Come on, Louie, show a little compassion for once in your miserable life! All right! Can the waterworks. Jackie Chan, cab 302! hai-ya!

- See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube. (SCREAMING) (SIRENS WAILING)

Open heart surgery. FOUAD: (LAUGHING) Yes! Yeah, thanks for coming, Fouad.

I'm an ice cream cone.

What? Payback! (BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No.

Now Give me the other half of the amulet! I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh. Don't, pleaSE! No! Jeffrey,

(SIGHS) Well, guys, we made it. Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about.

(INHALES) Peter, Meg's been in there a long time. Boy, you cannot wait to criticize her at every turn, can you?

I'm no fool Lando's cool Yeah! You're the coolest, Lando!

Well, I don't know. Is Elizabeth Perkins hot? (STUTTERS) I... I don't know. Way to go, Joe! Did you bang her? What? Of course not, Quagmire! I mean, I'm a married man. I could never cheat on Bonnie. Well, under normal circumstances, you'd be right to say that, but in this case, cheating would be the only fair thing.

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Yeah, that only works when I do it.

(MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)

But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him. I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Ok, you can go to jail with him! What? 24 months in prison? Unacceptable!

I don't want to pet you, though. Oh, all right. (RETCHING) What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me. Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf.

Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags!

(STAMMERING) Well, I have a very important mission. Uh-huh. Let me see that panel. No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob. I'm gonna tell Mom. (MACHINE ZAPPING)

Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Dad! Help! Help! Dad! Ugh!

I suppose there is one thing I can do to raise the school's test average. Then do it! All right. We'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled. But if I leave now, I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school.

You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard. (SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying.

Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter. Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died.

What, you haven't heard? Fuck!

Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture.

All right, everybody, only three hours till opening. This is going to be the coolest place in Quahog. All the movers and shakers and bigwigs are gonna eat here, but not the small wigs.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good.

You know... You know, I would rather take two live chickens than your fly-by-night credit card. I would rather take a jar of pennies thats value was less than that of your bill. - Look, you don't have to insult me. - No, no, no. You are going to sit there and listen to the funny things I would take instead of your credit card.

They called me "Tasty Cakes"

It's called "Toad."

(SINGING FASTER) Then all at once the trouble started A pack of murderers and thieves Like swarms of locusts they descended Their aim to make the town folk flee

(FARTS) (YELLING IN SPANISH) - (FIRES GUNS) - (ALL SCREAMING)

Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films?

Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar! It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no! - Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey!

It's him! Quick, shoot him! Not so fast! Perhaps I could offer you a glass of port. And you a glass of starboard. Ha! Ha! That's a little nautical joke. I'm a fish, you see. I'm also delightfully mad. ahh! Oh, dear. Would you mind holding still for a moment?

This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher.

Oh, no, it's another wave of fighters! We're outnumbered! Oh, no, we're not! Stand by, my Hawkmen! Dive!

it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.

Uh-oh. FiRe! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry. I'll put it out. ahh! Hey, Great show out there.

I'm okay, but the midget inside me's got a head concussion. No, no, no, no, no, no! Artoo?

Everyone, guess what. What? I have been selected.

It just goes to show you never know what sort of person is living next door. Tom? I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno? She totally betrayed me! I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other. Ha! Slut!

(LAUGHING) You always fall for that. You can't always fall for that. You just can't. Go ahead, Brian. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hi, Joe. Thanks for coming. Okay. Now that Joe's here, I can say this in front of all of you.

Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight. Daddy, you're awake! Oh, Carter, I'm so relieved. (GROANS) What happened? Where am I? You had a heart attack, Daddy, but you're all right now. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool.

My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.

You know, some-- some people think that dandelions are weeds. But, uh, you know, i--I always think who the--who the hell decided tulips were so greaT?

I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom. Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now!

Hello? REAGAN: Hello. Hello? Who's this? This is Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan? The guy that used to bang that 70-pound witch? Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States. Oh, my God! Hey, Quagmire, guess who I'm talking to right now? Yup.

My friend who pees sitting down, but can also palm a basketball? What about "Ida"? (GROANS) No, man, you know, this is too hard. You know, you're asking me to accept an awful lot. I don't know if I can do this. I understand. I had the advantage of thinking about this for years.

Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it. Ice cream for Dylan tonight.

You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off! Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Who helped organize this charity event.

I know. But you do. You know, I get off at 4:00. I might just be up for a movie. Okay, somebody really needs to help me here.

No, we're not laughing at you. We're laughing at Griffin's shoes. Why, what's wrong with them? I don't even know what those are. What's Teslik? I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes.

No, I think this one's all yours. Go, girl! All right! One's an innie, and one's an outie. And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more!

yeah, You may be right. No! No! No! You must receive his seed! Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her!

(NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie.

Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah! If he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it. Easy! Massage the scalp! You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress,

What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey! (BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus. My God! How could we have been so blind? He's absolutely right.

Calm down, everything's gonna be all right.

Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!

Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! You know, my hooligan friend,

'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole. Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right? Okay, for real now.

Uh, Hi, Peter. Listen, Joe, about this whole mess-- Hold it, Peter! That's the car-wash thief!

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you. You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable.

Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street

Oh Man! Did you guys hear that? Imagine seeing the inside of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery. Forget it, Peter. You don't have A chance. Yeah. You never win anything. Remember when you went on Password? This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall. The password is "flaming." You...

(IN PORTUGUESE) Man, that really makes me mad.

Dad, I was wondering if I could borrow $17. Chris, what do you need money for? Isn't that why you have a paper route? No, this new kid named Kyle keeps stealing all my customers. Oh, that's terrible. You're a wonderful paper boy, Chris, and you need to remind your customers of that.

What? Come on, Dad. Whatev. Hey, why's it so hot in here? It's too hot in here. Wait a minute. An Ed Hardy T-shirt?

It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois. I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Yeah! Peter, would you get in the damn bed? I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever. I gave out all my invitations yesterday.

Tomato soup, grilled cheese, and a weak cup of tea... is the best lunch in my book. undefinedHe's right. " enjoy things I remember.

You're damn right.

Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II. (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS) I wonder...

Oh, no! Oh, no!

You're gonna kill me, is that it?

I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means. I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

Come on, Peter, hurry. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. (LOON CALLING) Listen to that. It's a loon. That's beautiful. You know, we ought to get a "fuck cabin" up here.

I said I want to know whose cup this is!

I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah!

You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Oh, Screw it. I tried. The Black Knight's next challenger will be Sir Mort Goldman. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... What is this? Are these jokes? Do people in other castles think this is funny? Well, yeah. We get a pretty sizeable chunk of princes 18 to 34. I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo. Are you sure you want to delete this program? Yes.

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

She's heading into that tunnel! (CRASHING) (HORSE NEIGHS) GUARD: (GASPS) Dear God! The Queen's dead!

(FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! Ahh!

If she's not found within 96 hours, chances are she's gone forever. Then we've gotta hurry! Sorry, we can't begin our search until she's been missing for 96 hours. Oh, my God! My baby! Yeah, there's a pretty grisly sex trade over there. Usually we just end up burying framed pictures. Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! (SOBBING)

Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. That one is also sexual. Well, I guess with good behavior, you could be out in 2 years.

Oh. Brian? Where's Cheryl Tiegs? Well, she's not coming. I wrote you that because I knew you'd never come if it was me. But I planned a big night, and we're gonna have a great time. Brian, Cheryl was the one that got away. She was the great love of my life. I thought this was my chance to finally achieve some real happiness.

Lois, I was wrong about you. You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.

What the... Derek and Jillian? Wow! Hi, Brian! Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation?

I didn't wreck T.V.! My dad did! What? What'd she say? Peter Griffin ruined T.V.? And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard.

Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail. But first, the winners of this year's costume contest: the A-Team with the real black guy. Sweet! All right! All right! Okay, you can stop with that cigar now, Gary. My sinuses will thank you.

Oh, thank God! Oh, you're not Jeffrey. You're that missing baby and boy. Jeffrey! I found that missing baby and boy! JEFFREY: I don't care. (GASPING) Mommy! Chris! Stewie! My babies! Oh, I'm so happy you're safe!

N-n-Now, kids, don't be taken in by The Man. Stay black and proud. Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians. Cool. And here's a picture of-- Oh, uh, n-Never mind that one.

With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis So they sent this little warning They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox

Get ready to die! Huh? Hmm. I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

WHoo-oo. whoo-oo. Sucker.

Uh, Something suddenly came up.

Yay, Jesus! That's my buddy, Jesus. Hey, it's a pleasure to be here with you six interchangeable women. Last time I was down here on Earth, I only hung around with one whore. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn. Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.

Thanks for reminding me who I really am. Well, at least I didn't get robbed. (DOOR OPENS) And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?

How do you figure, sports fan? They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention. (CHUCKLING) It's a bus driver's uniform. Pow, right in the kisser!

I mean... I mean, nice weather we're having. Look, Peter, I thought it might interest you to know that I'm Jewish. What? He's Jewish, Peter. Jewish? Like full on? Like you practice "Jewiism"? I am a Jew. Prove it! What's a 9% tip on a $200 bill? $18. Which is fair.

whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family. You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me,

(SLURRING) We interrupt this program because I have had kind of a crap day, and I know all the station passwords to do it. So, smell that finger, Quahog! Ooh, a drunk news report from Tom Tucker. We haven't had one of those since they canceled Passions.

(STRAINING) Shut up, Meg. (ALL GASP) I don't believe it! Peter, you talked! Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg.

I have a crisis situation here.

(SOBBING) Shut up! (WAILING)

Like the role of Denise's boyfriend on The Cosby Show. It's nice to meet you, Martin. Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. So, if you guys are a family, why are none of you the same shade of black? I was also coked out of my skull most of the time. But whatever the case, I was done.

Is there anyone here who hasn't had a c-section?

"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!"

(CROWD CHEERING) One! Two! Three! Did you know where the Ukraine was because of my globe? No, I saw it in a book. You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick. Eight! Nine! Ten! We have a winner! (LOUD CHEERING) Well, what do you think of that, Lois? You still mad at me now?

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell?

Whatever. This ain't even my whole night.

I just threw up two chicken gyros out my nose. They're on your side of the bed. Oh, say that again. (LAUGHING PLAYFULLY) But I want you to keep talking to me in that sexy voice while we do it. Okay, great. Let's pretend you're a tollbooth worker and I'm molesting you. Okay. I don't have any change. Now take off that parka.

That one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face and the other reindeer just kind of ate it. Isn't Christmas magical?

Good afternoon.

Breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house. This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!

3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.

and buck-toothed solicitors? About 3,000 miles that way. We're in the Middle East. Where are we going? I don't know. I'm not exactly familiar with this particular Arabian villagE. Stuff for sale! Bad, cheaply made stuff for salE! Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. What's your problem? Papa Tom's being a jerk. At least he talks to you. He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks.

You know how much I love balls. All right, come on now! That's not helping!

Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here? Yes. Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Of course, I could. But it's funnier to me if I don't. In about an hour, I'm gonna piss away 20 grand. What, are you gonna bet on the Knicks? (LAUGHING) I'm sorry. I mean, how often... I mean... Oh, man, nobody thinks that's funny?

It's "nucular," dummy. The "S" is silent. It's almost midnight.

(GROANS) Oh, Dad, I think this is Mr. Quagmire's driveway. Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees? Well, there's a lot of trees around here. How do we know we're in the right spot? PETER: I think it's a safe bet this is the place.

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Yeah, he's at the dentist. He's trying to get sick. Okay, go ahead and spit. It's okay, go ahead. All right, Chris, I figured out a great way to get sick. I'm gonna be a woman at work who cannot get sick right now.

Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going. My God, Joe is running us ragged. Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper.

I think the magic's starting to happen already. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American. Oh, man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque. They played one of my audience requests. Way awesome.

I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this. I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault, Meg.

You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...!

Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah. Oh, this looks like Spooner St., only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide,

No, not AA. A-A-A.

I can't wait to have a baby someday. Oh, Meg, we've talked about this. In order to make a baby, a man has to be aroused enough to ejaculate. Sorry, Dad, I forgot. That's all right, sweetie. Now you run along and play in the mud.

How am I going to get it out?

Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman! Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Give me your money! - Here! Here! Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car!

It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk!

(GROWLING) Then the reindeer eat them, which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a bloodlust for elf flesh. I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What god would allow this?

Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion.

Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls.

Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around!

Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.

YEah. Uh, This is a message for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson. Uh, Listen, I read your script, and it just, uh, you know, jumped right off the page. Uh, I think it's something I'd be excited to be a part of. So, uh, call my, uh... Listen, I'm just jacking you, man.

Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Maybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet, and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks! That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir? You feel strong? You wanna come over here? MAN: No, I want to stay here and have my steak. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What is that, the porterhouse? Yeah. How is it? What do you care? If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it? Yeah, I would. Well, I know what I'm getting.

Well, I really like all the guys. But some of them seem a little too competitive. I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.

Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know. Peter, there's something off about that horse.

(CRYING) Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it. But Brian, I love you! (LOUDLY SOBBING) Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards!

Who? Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation. We saw Reality Bites together. (GRUNTS) You guys, I found him! He went that way!

Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.

Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons.

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people. You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to.

"The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!"

I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon. Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects. Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS. Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. So Saddam Hussein did this? No. - The Iraqi army? - No.

There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Is that a real show?

- Peter! - Admit it! (GAGGING) Oh, you scared him out the front. Tony, come back! Oh. What... What... (WHIMPERS) What do I do? What do I do? Well, just hope he's not standing on your soft spot. Well, is that possible?

JASON: Don't look at me. I'm just here to drop off my son. Justin? Justin, that does not work for me. And it looks like there are signs of trauma around the throat.

You know this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in. It was back when they were like, "Drown all the girls," and then they were like, "Don't drown all the girls," but she was born on a drowning week, so, you know. (SNEEZES) Oh, look at that, there's hardly any blood. You're very healthy. Well, I try to take care of myself.

Sum 41 is the band that married Avril Lavigne. Oh... Huh! Seems like everybody would turn out a loser in that situation. Everybody did. (HORN BLOWING)

The bedroom was 100 feet from the window. Okay, first of all, the term "orgy" is outdated. We call them, "Genital jamborees." But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime.

(LAUGHING) Oh, really? Well, I'm sure a brief call to my accountant will resolve this to our mutual satisfaction. (DIALING) Hello, Schnozzenstein? This is Peter Griffin. There seems to be some issue with our credit. I told Carstairs you'd set everything straight.

(GROANING) I'd better make sure my wallet's okay. I say, we're on quite a run. We blew up the Great Wall of China, bombed the Eiffel Tower,

Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow.

(SPUTTERS) Arrest him! Arrest all three! These filths are making a mockery of our Reich.

Yes. Oh, my God. You did it. You did it. Mission accomplished, gentlemen. Warhead has been destroyed. We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage. No, no, no, no, no, no!

No wonder your husband didn't respect women. Excuse me? I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you?

How do you know? Because I once got a note from the Marriott written on the same paper. "Dear Brian. You were amazing last night. Love, Ida."

I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?

PETER: (ON VIDEO) I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home. Look outside and you'll see a grown tree. Yay! Now look at your hand. It's just a nub, 'cause I'm gonna cut off all the fingers. Oh, yeah, past Peter? Well, two can play that game!

Into the great wide open

Hey, there's all my favorite people! Oh, no, not this suck-up. What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews? So good to see you, Barrington. Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald? Huh? Huh? Where we going today? You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald? Pewterschmidt, settle down!

And girls, I'm gonna need towels, lots of them! Ok, let's go! Aw jEEz, i'm--I'm sorry, Meg's friends. Look, I'll make it up to you. I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance. Ahh! Ahh! Jeez, Lois! What is that? Acid?

Sounds like you're making up excuses. All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here! Close one! All right, first scene up is on page 12.

and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.

Come on. Get up and dance with me, Peter. This place is sick. Hells, yeah! It is the only rooftop pool in Providence. No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town.

Ok, buddy. Ahh! Heh, heh.

I pick dare. No, no. Truth. Truth. Okay, truth. Do you have AIDS? Come on, we're all just trying to have a good time. Okay, Cleveland, your turn. Truth or dare? Dare. Okay, I dare you to make out with Joe for 15 seconds. What? No way. (EXCLAIMS IN REVULSION) You got to. It's a dare.

What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Laugh and cry He's a family guy Check it out, guys. New driver's license. What's wrong with your picture? Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving,

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

and that kind of bums me out, so I got you this Cookie Puss. (CHUCKLES) Isn't that funny? Look at that weird nose. I think your nose is weird. Guys, I'm telling you, I...

HEy, It's Glen Quagmire, the wacky next- door neighboR. What's he up to this tiME? I'm going to work!

I'm with you. I'm on the train! Do you have a needle?

'Cause I don't think there's gonna be a Star Market halfway up the mountain. (LAUGHING) Oh, Mom. That's our local market at home.

I tell you, fellows, if I don't find some fish out there soon, my family's gonna go hungry. If it's fish you wants, Pelican's Reef is where you'll find 'em. I've seen fish there. More fish than you could possibly imagine. Fish as far as the eye can see.

Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

He's a family guy

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet. (SCREAMS)

Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous. Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income. Here you go. What is this? It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you. Hey, Meg.

I wasn't able to do that, and that's why I wound up living in a closet for nine years. Chris, I know you're angry, but do you really hate your father? No. I just think he's a douche. Sometimes he is. And, Peter, do you really hate your son? No. But sometimes he's such a little fat jerk!

Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up. (GROANS) Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. Dude, you're lucky.

You're a good pimple, Doug. Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

(MUMBLING) Amazing grace How sweet the sound

Well, good night. Night.

Okay, I'm off. Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck wherever you wind up. Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself. I'm just going away for a few days. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... Really? It would be that easy for you? What?

Yeah, sure, maybe. I don't know. Yes, no. Here's the first three digits of my phone number. E-mail me. Joe, the guy's a menace. They've been with me three days now, and all he does is beat her day and night. And on top of that, they say they don't need to be entertained, but then they're always like, "Hey, so what're we doing? What's next?"

I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem? Ah, damn! Which one's the Chinese one?

I'm talking to you! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go on strike! And you can all try living without me! You ever think about that, huh? (SCREAMING) That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that. Kids, we're free. We're finally free.

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Oh, he's perfect. Time of birth, 11:34 a.m. Come on, Brian, hurry. (ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina.

Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. Silence!

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Mr. Swanson is sleep-dragging again. I'm flying! I'm flying!

Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.?

(DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING) - Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that?

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?

Fine. I'll just sit here and watch TV. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Mark Wahlberg in Annoyed and Confused. What? What's going on? I don't get it. Man, I got to work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh? What?

What the hell is wrong with you? I'm a dog, all right. I have a very tough time standing up in the car.

There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold! Whoo! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

See, we just got here, so they can shush us. But now we get to shush anyone who comes in after us. Honey, you want to sit here? (SHUSHING) - (SHUSHING) - Good. (WHISPERS) That was fun. Yeah. Now you're gettin' it.

M-m-max, Max, Max,

Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm?

Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler. Edgar, could you bring me some tea? Yeah! Yeah!

That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do!

Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt. Mmm... That feels good. Um, you're going a little low there, Lois. (CHUCKLING) Okay. I'm sorry. (SAWING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity!

Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up!

Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it? Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it.

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

- You need anything from the market? - PowerBar!

Ahh! Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh!

Tell me baby do you like it like this... Tell me tell me tell me

Listen, I don't have time for this. I'm late for a hostile takeover of a jelly factory. I'll show those Smuckers. That's fine, but you can't drive. Oh, don't be ridiculous! Driver Pete at your service, sir. - Peter, we're not doing that. - Oh. Carter, you work too much as it is. You're not a young man anymore. You need to slow down.

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

Ah! Another day of being huge. Good morning, guns of... (GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off. You're weak like everyone else.

Ok, now I'm pissed. Well, thank God that's over. Yeah. Hey, you want to go crap on the Statue of Liberty? you know, I've lived here my whole life, and I've never been there! I've never been to the Empire State Building. Boy, we're--we're a pair, aren't we? aren't we? Unbelievable. Let's go.

Please, sir. I want some more. What? Please, sir. I want some more. More? All right! Stop it! Stop it right there! Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on! That's it. Now put on this dress.

I know. I know. Hey, you mind spreading the news around town? Say maybe down at the liquor store? Maybe down at The Clam? Of course, Brian. But first we have work to do. God's work. And God will be happy that you're joining me. Then I say let's celebrate the way they did in the Bible. With wine, red wine. You know, like Jesus drank.

What? I didn't do it. I'm just gonna stay on my diet and exercise. Good for you. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction. Who, I ask you. Who? Hello.

You've got a lot to seE Brian, I've missed so much! I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!

Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it. (PETER SPITTING)

Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys!

- No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired.

All right, I'm coming!

(MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

Right here, Angela. Wow. You know, I gotta say, when your dad told me about this whole switching-places thing, I was kind of skeptical, but you're actually doing good work. Well, it's a lot easier than high school, I'll tell you that. Well, how do you mean? High school's like Lord of the Flies. It's a social nightmare.

Or how to leave a dead bird on the carpet? That was a gift, you bastard. That was a gift for the family.

I'm really cutting loose.

Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape.

Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum, P.I. I'm... Fine, I'm crippled Magnum, P.I. Brian, there's that girl from my yoga class I wanted you to meet. Look, Lois, I appreciate it, but I'm not into fix-ups. Oh, come on, you got to get yourself back out there. Jane, this is Brian.

You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs,

Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society. They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take him away.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING)

So, what are we hauling, good buddy? I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north. Boy, this is the way to do it, huh, Jerry? Sure is. Think this makes us lazy? Nah, we're still in the V-shape.

What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.

ft seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, my first trip to a fast-food joint as a retarded guy. Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

(SNORING) CANDY: Glenn, you fell asleep, so I took off. It's probably for the best. I've never had sex before, and I probably wouldn't have been much good at it.

We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you.

All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie. The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on. All right? This is my show, and it's a serious, intellectual hour of discussion, and I want to keep it that way. Hey, no problem. All right. In three, two, one. This is The Lunch Hour with your host... Hey, what's up, Quahog?

Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight.

Teenage girls are exposed to so much these days I can see why a relationship looks glamorous. But, you've got all the time in the world, and a lot of wonderful experiences ahead of you. Hang on, I wanna give you something. This book helped me when I was about your age. It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling,

Oh, this couch.

You shouldn't have tried these tricks on Denise, Brian. But if you ask me, she got lucky, because now she's dodged the bullet of being in a relationship with a loser like you. Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're like a black woman in hindsight.

Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

WheRE The hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA. Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, Who's your frienD? It's a work thing, Ma. Near-death experiencE. Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly,

Rupert? Hey, what's going on? Brian, I can't find Rupert anywhere. Have you seen him? Oh, I thought Lois would've told you. She sent him back to the factory. What? Why? She was afraid he was gonna choke you. Oh, that was a game we played. Believe me, I was in control the whole time. No, the company issued a recall. But don't worry, they sent a replacement.

(SCREAMING) There you go. Create an adventure with that. Carol, you're here. Hi, Lois.

I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, is this beach topless? No, but my margarita's bottomless. Mexico! Mexico! I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero all the time when I get back home. Me, too. Mexico! Mexico! That cute guy's been staring at you all night.

No. But a notary should be here any minute. I received a call about notarizing a document, but I am spending the day with my family, so they are here, too. This is my wife, Janice, my daughters, Lisa and Jane, and this is Rosalyn, a friend of our daughter Jane's. Her family life is rough, so we are kind of like a second home.

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh!

That's what I was trying to tell you. Acknowledged. I'm on it. Joe, would you settle a camp argument? Is it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"? Dodgeball. Ah, you don't know. Well, I'd better put out an APB to all the neighboring towns. The murderer won't leave the camp. What? What are you talking about? He's feeding.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together.

No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared.

(SCREAMING) Ghost. - Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole.

Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar.

I'm sorry, but I can go no further. What? Why not? If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with. Good luck, brave travelers. No! We were so close.

(LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

(STUTTERING) Number one, number two. (STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better. Number three, number four. Number three.

You don't look Asian.

This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. Remember?

All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes.

Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

Cut. Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna. But, uh, let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved, so you begin to think maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off.

Hey, what are these hard things? M&Ms. I ran out of paprika. Magnificent. Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

in 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist. That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully.

If it's any consolation,

We were just establishing our friendship.

I don't believe that's real sign language.

The pathway to enlightenment starts with an unfettered, focused mind. Look out! What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. It's a portal, an opening through which

Thank you, Martha.

Before we begin, Chris Griffin has an announcement for the cool kids.

(BLEATING) This is your purse now. Peter, I can't carry my money in this. (SCREECHES) (SCOFFS) Yeah, her money. You're gonna love the park, Xerxes. (LAUGHING) I think you know what I want.

It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.

I'm not gonna cut my hair The sky's up in the sky And the rivers are the forests are the mountains are the sea And I am you But you are not me And the visions of our minds are in the valleys which are valleys

You're doing a great job, Muriel, and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren. And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees? My boy wants to know about sex. Came to the right place.

Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper. It's a mess up there. (CAR HORN HONKING) Brian, what is this? You're driving a cab?

Billiam, are you there? Stewie! Wh--wh--What the devil are you doing here? Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him.

Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends! Well, I thought they could provide some insights that might improve your love life. Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy. Yet, somehow, things didn't work out.

just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney.

Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd! Peter, how was your big presentation at Chris' class? It was a huge waste of time. Well, it couldn't have been that bad. Oh, it was terrible. Everyone else there had some big, important job and was way more successful than me.

Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting.

You coming back to bed, Rob? Hang on, honey. Hang on. My jaw keeps locking up. Well, that's not NOVA at all, is it? That's a sex tape I made with my wife. Of course, nobody here is interested in seeing that sort of thing. Are they? Probably not. No. Okay. You kind of looked like you were nodding? Nope?

Hi, honey. How was school? Just great. I can't even say my name without people asking me if I made it up. How could Dad do this to me?

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)

Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher.

Oh, God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.

Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta. Hi, Darth. You got any bags,

Doesn't get much gayer than this. Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree. Lois, I told you I'm on dipsalucious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?

Hi, Peter, how are you? Never mind that, Bonnie, I'm here to induce birth.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere

Okay, let's get the presents under the tree. All right, you have 'em? I thought you had them. For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh! Crap. On the roof? (CREAKING) No, it's in the yard.

Is it not true that you went to see Dr. Hartman for a simple prostate exam? No, I went for a flu shot. At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome. I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over.

So, um, The $26 would probably be safe in my room. Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I... I don't get it. So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not.

So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project.

(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I should probably get going.

No! You okay, fat ass? She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show.

Oh, Snooki died.

Mambo! (PANTING) Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them! I'm trying, sir. You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack,

To the place in our hearts Where we hide And I guess that's why They call it the blues

He's a family guy aah!

(LIGHTSABERS HUMMING)

Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane!

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

We'll be on the ground in 10 minuteS. Aw, jeez.

And if you're a paraplegic? They'll have a quadriplegic. Or a bag of rocks with a bow tie. That sounds incredible. We got to go. Yeah, will you take us, Quagmire? Please? All right, let's do it! But I don't want to get any crap from your wives about me taking you to a strip joint. So you guys are gonna have to lie about where we're going. - Okay, sure. - Yeah, no problem. I'm a great liar.

Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go.

No. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday. But you said you'd do it today. I'm kind of tired. For God's sake. Cancel my Tuesday appointments. Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day?

(LAUGHING) That's the joke. Oh, yes. Why, you son of a bitch. Angela, I have a complaint. What is it, Griffin?

What did he say? Nothing. That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. Is that true? All right, yes, fine, it's true. Why didn't you say anything? Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to... Wait... You didn't want to move in with me?

All right, guys, I know that yesterday was a rough one for us. But it's with great pride that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one. All right! Nichols, you should go home and change.

You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me!

Chris! Stop this travesty right now! So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

It's all right to go to sleep, my friend. I'll stand guard. Uh, Ok. Don't worry. I'll be here all night. Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council.

STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that? Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel. STEWIE: Stewart Griffin, explorer, adventurer,

And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit."

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING)

Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you. Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key.

Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well. Build a bar! That's a great idea.

ooh! th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M...

I can't hear you! ALL: Kill them! I can't hear you! ALL: Kill them! Let's just go.

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.

sex is inevitable. Like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave. So, does anyone want dessert? Oh, I couldn't eat another bite. No. I gotta get home for the sitter. I'll have the souffle. That takes 45 minutes. That's okay.

It's some kind of crazy money rain! I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp. Oh, Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these. The crowd is storming the field! This is Pandemonium!

I'm gonna hurt something you love. (GRUNTING) (COUGHS) You happy now? Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience.

(GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE PLAYING) I don't believe in frettin' and grievin' Why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to step and strut out

Oh, The smoke is so acrid. Ugh! A man can hardly breathe in here. You should get some hash, man. You can't go wrong. Oh, Not true. Ground meat can go very wrong for me, very quickly. And Everyone in this room will suffer the consequences! You are out there, man, in the ether. Yes, well, I'd love to further pursue our palaver but I'm not fluent in "freaker"!

Hey, is that an original Matisse? Uh, Hey, uh, Bonnie. Uh, Listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did, when he used to entertain terminally ill kids. Hi there. How you all doin'? All right, so I'm at the D.M.V. the other day.

What the hell? El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company?

Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die.

This session of the United Nations is hereby convened. Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium guy! Hey, I gotta problem here! Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn. No one's talking to you, Albania.

Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, Actually, that guy who did was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. It appears a new challenger has entered the field.

I'm not your lover! I don't even like you! Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut.

Gimme money. Gimme money.

Like something could happen.... Get me out! These water wings didn't help at all. This is the worst day of my life. Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days.

Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on! Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor?

Brian, why didn't you tell us? I thought you'd be ashamed of me. Are you kidding? I ought to knock you out for not bringing me here sooner. Look at the pair on that one, Lois. Bigger than your head. So, You guys aren't offended by this? Well, I can't say I approve, but we love you. If this is what makes you happy, we support you. My God!

See you on the campaign trail.

Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex,

It's too bad we're not Dragonheart.

STEWIE: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back. (PANTING) Oh, my God. Brian, look. It's Aspen. We made it.

Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you.

Please, help yourself to anything in my corn hole.

Ah, The toast is ready. I'll get it, Lois. There you go. Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table. Lois, If I'm gonna get good enough to impress the Black Knight, my lance must be with me at all times.

What do I have to do to prove this to you? Well, maybe if I'd seen you kiss your girlfriend. - Fine. - What was that? What is she, your grandmother? (SCOFFS) That's no kiss. Watch this. (MOANING)

We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated. Whoo. Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group.

Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal.

What time did you say your flight was?

Have we ever hit anybody with these guns? I hit a bird once.

Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close. Yeah, how'd that thing fall over? Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks? I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else.

So what happened with that kid on the playground? He won this round, Brian. But I'm going back tomorrow. And when I've carried out my plan, he won't know what hit him, like that baseball team that Peter coached. Well, kids, just when I thought we'd never find an assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground. He's got a clown costume in his trunk, so we know he's good with kids,

Well, I guess we're just lucky nobody got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. But, you know, I sort of have one other problem. Maybe you can help me out. What's that? I have a dinner reservation for two tonight at Dominic's, and it's just me. I see your problem. I think I might be able to help. Ma'am, you want me to kick those dents out for you? Peter, we've had complaints from all over town.

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Well, Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor. Welcome back, Fargas. Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth!

Who the hell is this bitch? Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this.

In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!

Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the housE!

Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting. (MONITOR BEEPING) (VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY)

Just seeing if anyone was in there.

Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop. Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room...

Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart. You do? Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you!

Do you think I like hitting you? I am sorry you had to see that. Look, sir, I really need to confess something to you. That assignment I turned in... You know, Brian, before you came along, I was so depressed, I was planning to kill myself.

I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.

a Zip Zap, a Choco Buddy, a $64,000 Bar, a Notafinger and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disc. God, I hate television. Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame?

Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass! Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns?

(SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable.

with all the sex, violence, swearing and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.

You know, I keep not laughing at The Big Bang Theory, and I figure it's got to be the television, you know? TV this size, forget it. It'll have me laughing till I got snots falling out of my nose.

Oh, hi, Meg. Could you tell Chris breakfast is ready? Oh, um... I think he got up early. He, um, said something about a fat kid rally at Little Caesars. Huh! It's not like Chris to miss breakfast. Oh, don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be home later. Well, I hope so.

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet.

(EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

(SCREAMS) (SCREECHING) (HISSING) (FLUSHES) (HISSES)

I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training, which will address how to deal with a crazed drug user. Hey, Joe, what are we supposed to do in here? You see that coffee you're drinking?

I invited you on this trip to hang out while I have sex with strangers, and this is how you repay me?

What the hell are you doing going through my personal stuff?

(ALL GREETING) MAN: Oh, hey, he can't be in here. He's not 21. All right, just hang out here for a little bit, huh? All right, see you later, gang. Chris, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at camp. What am I paying for?

Be cool, be quiet, be quiet. All right, well, nothing to worry about. Chris is going to be just fine. Oh, Chris, I'm so glad you're okay.

Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat.

Meg, Will you relax? None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you, all right? Jeez, I gotta get gas. Hey, any of you guys want a soda? I'm gonna go inside and get a soda.

Boy, it's really raining hard. Yeah, well, we needed it. What? Peter, we've been married a long time. Why do I still get guy-in-an-elevator small talk? I don't know. You're the one talking about the weather. So... Looking forward to the weekend?

Carlos Spicy Wiener here, go ahead. They found us, kid. We're going back to base. Just as soon as I grab some powder with these skiing young people. (JUICY FRUIT THEME PLAYING)

Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. aah!

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

Like me. Like me.

Yeah, so what? So what? So let's dance. Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring And he never taught me anything But still I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad Oh, his face looks like a railroad map And he never shuts his freakin' trap But all the ladies catch the clap from your drunken Irish dad

Hey, Carol. I almost didn't recognize you without my special sauce all over your face. (CLATTERING) Is somebody out there?

Brother? I don't know those other two words, but brother? I'm gonna have a brother? Well, what we're discussing is whether or not marriage is a smart move for Carol at this point in time. I was hoping you might be able to weigh in. I'm gonna have a brother!

How's the garage sale going, Quagmire? Pretty good. Just clearing some of my stuff out of the basement.

That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing, Tiffani. Thank you. Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money? Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. (GROANING) For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life!

And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris. Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed? Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection. (LAUGHING) One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye.

Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.

A third "Q." And the Batman symbol.

Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? Peter, you're, uh-- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories.

Yeah, I'm getting something. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I'm not your father. Oh, my God. Francis Griffin wasn't my real father. I wonder what else I've repressed? Oh, my God. I could've had a V8.

You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

Uh... Okay, okay, how about this? Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. I could buy that. That sounds like something he'd do.

Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt!

I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back.

Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.

She's gone! We lost her. Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois.

Let's just face it. I suck!

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.

And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed There's the guy who sits beside you And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira's lyricist I've got him on the list

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm no different than any other guy. Joe, would you put on your hand shoes and take out the garbage? Thank you. (JOE SOBBING)

I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my-- Peter, you can't force-feed maturity.

Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that. No. He doesn't. He's from another universe where dogs are subservient to humans. Oh, you mean like that time we... Yeah. When we bounced around between... Yeah. And you couldn't figure out how to... Yes! They're gonna kill him! We got to get him out of there! It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush!

Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl?

Brian. Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING) - Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that? Let's get that out of there. Ew.

And now it appears there's a woman chasing the dogs. Let's go, kids! Blackie, tell the boys in Kansas City the bet's off. Too late, Stewie. The fix is in, and the noodles are boiling in the pot. Boiling, I tell you! Ahh! Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I figured out my revelation. Uh...

Naomi, I'm so glad you're here. I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years? It's great to see you, too, Lois. It really is. You know, the fact is, I came here hoping to run into you. Really? Well, that's nice. You see, I'd like to propose something to you and your husband. Oh, my God. I'm dreaming.

Oh, th-That was nothing. Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

No, no, they might be dead. They also might still be alive. Is okay, I take.

If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage? Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?

Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely. Yeah, those are cooking just fine.

Whoa! ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the--

Meg, finish your pancakes.

Well, well, Look who came crawling back.

Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly? I'm sorry, Karina.

Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired. Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know, I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard, and you're in a pillowcase. You're out of your mind. Brian's young. And I'm gonna prove it to you. Hey, youthful guy.

He's so cute. Hey, everybody. I-- Bobby, you get back in the garage! Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow! It can't happen! I was here first! Well, Technically, 3rd, but no time for semantics. This is Stewie Country, and I intend to keep it that way! As God is my witness, from this day forward, Peter and Lois shall not conceive!

Peter, it's back. What, that rash?

I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think? I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of...intercourse

You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done.

you know. Oh. Oh, you--You heard that, huh? Well, i--I was just being stupid. Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing. I mean, Every guy you see with a big house or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth is really just saying, "Don't look at my penis." But you'll never have to worry about that.

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother! How could you, you-- Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's--He's alive. Oh, Well played,

(JOE SOBBING LOUDLY) I can't walk! Why the hell can't I walk? This isn't part of the act anymore!

Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely. My friend here is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly. And I'm of a different species. You're hired.

He takes the beam. The spectators hold their breath as Stewie Griffin is America's last hope to take home the gold. Oh, oh. Did you see that, Mitch? I sure did, Kathy. That was impressive. Here comes the dismount. Hey, Stewie, I just took a nap. You want an eye booger?

Peter, what is this show? It's called Creeping up on the Kardashians. See that guy with the ponytail in the background? He sneaks up and scares the girls while they're starting businesses or getting their fat waxed. (ALL SCREAM) What the hell? (CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television.

Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. I don't have a mustache, do I? Oh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished. But, Mom! now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Yeah, 'cause we could... What? Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there?

Yeah, look, I'm guessing there's some kind of soccer match from your home country going on, and I get that, I do. But some of us are trying to sleep, and I could almost deal with the noise, but it's the cologne, all right? I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here. That's how powerful it is, okay? That's how powerful it is.

So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?

Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane? Well, it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.

FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage. Oh, my God! Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? Is this an eyeglass lens? I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this.

Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster. Death to America

Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt. You wanna have sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. Peter, you should really slow down.

She answered the ad. Whoa!

Well, luckily the value of this place plummeted because this is a meth town now. You know, I think the lesson here is that if your community has problems, you don't abandon it. It's better to stay put and help fix those problems. That's right, Lois, 'cause wherever you run to, your problems have a funny way of finding you. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) WOMAN: Hey, are you guys in there?

Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

No. No. It's just, I... I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night. So if I did anything that might have offended you, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I have a dog. So I've had to cut poop out of his fur before. Oh! Oh, thanks. Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right? So fun.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, snap. Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've been giving us. Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing. What the hell you talking about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days.

What I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls! Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created. Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Get out!

You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!

Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie.

You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this.

We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye. My God! This place looks terrible.

Plus we tally your text votes for the Biggest Whiff! and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back. Okay. Give me back my family. Get off me.

Just one more thing. Lois! I need you to take the presents out of the trunk.

Well, how... Uh, well, how much are our tickets? Well, for this, this is a first--first-class cabin. It's, uh, 25 bucks. Wow! And we're the robbers. Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach? Uh, $12 for coach. Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you.

As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us. I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? (BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

Oh! What about him? He's gotta be in his 50s. So what do you think? I think you're very sensitive, and you put up a tough front. I think you're in pain. Damn it, Brian, do not cry. I'd like to pet you, Brian.

Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him.

Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie. Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

I'm not doing this! What do you mean, you're not doing it? I'm drawing the line. I wrote a script that really meant a lot to me, and you guys took it and turned it into something cheap and ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm not selling out anymore. I quit.

On your marks. Get set. White guys, go! I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif Bar before we started. Everybody else! (GASPS) I thought they were coming after us. All right, everyone. All DVDs are a dollar and everything must go. Come on in.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

which isn't bad, except Peyton had four. Well, Cooper got pre-approved for a Visa card today. Come on, guys, we all had a good day. (SOFT ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) - Stop it. - I have an itch. I don't care. Dead people don't scratch their balls.

which I completely disagree with. That wasn't me. Stewie was really laying into Meg about something. Yeah, it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie. Oh, so now everyone understands me. Look, Meg, we're just worried about you. Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face!

Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

Connie, would you like to be a captain? Sure. I pick everyone except Meg. Fair enough. Go! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Peter, you killed it!

And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.

and then they were like, "Don't drown all the girls," but she was born on a drowning week, so, you know. (SNEEZES) Oh, look at that, there's hardly any blood. You're very healthy. Well, I try to take care of myself. Joseph, this is the most fun I've had in a while. That's good, that's good. - Pull your pants down. - What?

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.

Jim. Your name is Jim.

(VOMITING) Peter, that was amazing.

Everyone, it's over. We can go back to Quahog.

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.

Oh, hey, Stewie.

What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Oh, this is bogus!

but I gotta tell you, I'm a believer now. Yeah, I'm gonna go back and see what else she has to say. Hey, check it out. Chris and Stewie, you're on the front page of the paper. You know, Chris, that girl from school sees that picture and you're in. Look, Stewie, I'm not really gonna ask her out. I think that just might have been cocky forest talk.

but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING) Brian, you might want to look outside.

All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee.

Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark.

Oh, my God. Francis Griffin wasn't my real father. I wonder what else I've repressed? Oh, my God. I could've had a V8.

Are you sure this will work? Chris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes. This whole thing was your idea! You'll find out. Dad, you're not making any sense! You just leave that to me. Ah, yes. Here we go. Chris Griffin. Hmm.

I'm gay. You are? Look, I really like you as a friend, but to be honest... I like Chris. What? Oh, for God's sake. I have a shoe appointment in the morning, and I want to be fresh! Yeah, the person I'm attracted to is your brother. Brother? Rupert, did you hear that?

Diane, I'd say it was perfect if you Weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage.

It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING) She's gone! We lost her.

I thought we had taken that out.

Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization! Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine? I think you are a special person. Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second!

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911. MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it?

No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us.

You kidnapped the Pope? peter, This is the most reckless thing you've ever done!

I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis.

Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it. Dude, bad news. You're dead. What? But I'm Death!

I understand. I had the advantage of thinking about this for years. For me, it was easy. Do I want to be happy the rest of my life or miserable? So now you're happy, and I'm miserable. I see. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Aw, That's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn. You taped over our wedding video? Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff. The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to each other.

It's strong and it's sudden And it's cruel sometimes But it might just save your life... That's the power of love Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table? I'll give you a minute. What am I supposed...

Ah! That was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.

Hear what? I swear I heard something. (SIGHS) Adam, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right?

(SIGHS) Daddy's home.

And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine! Ding. Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT? I'm busy.

(SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. (ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure.

I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live!

Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta

Peter, are you ok? Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-- Ooh. We have a winner! Here, kitty, kitty, KItty, Kitty.

(EXCLAIMS) Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle. You had your chance and you blew it. Well, now you're too late. I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm. I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.

You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex.

Oh, hello, Lois. I would have thought you'd have moved in with your mother by now. No, Peter. I'm just pretty much letting this run its course.

pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe.

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh?

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes

Jesus Christ, look at you! You had it all, money, fame, eternal life, the perfect hand for masturbating, and you blew it! You let it all go to your head!

(POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

We might have to release Peter back into the wild. What! We can't do that. We'll never see him again! Eh, enough time passes, you'll forget all about him.

Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad. Honey, have you seen Stewie? I can't find him anywhere. I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner. I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it.

Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone.

Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down.

You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners? No. - Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ,

In fact, a film on employee relations has been a mandatory part of our personnel training for 50 years. irrational and emotionally fragile by nature, female coworkers are a peculiar animal. They are very insecure about their appearance.

Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic. You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater? (GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady...

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

Armando, do you have the rent? We are trying, Senor Griffin. But the land, she gives us nothing. There is no sunlight. It's been two months, Armando. You're putting me in a real awkward position here. Oh, please, Senor Griffin. Just one more week. I will pay you double. Perhaps we can work out another arrangement.

The hell with you. I'll use the other bathroom.

Yeah, I'd watch that. Sure. Me, too. Sounds like a good balance. And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.

No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me.

Okay, Peter, let's hear what you've got. (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (MURMURING) (HARMONICA PLAYING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

LOIS: And, look, there's Rush Limbaugh coming out of Michael Moore's house at 2:00 in the morning. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself. Well, your dog was right, Lois. Looks like there's no story here. Michael Moore is clearly not gay. What... No story? What are you talking about? You're the one who sent me to investigate. Now I'm showing you proof and you're dismissing it?

I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh!

but he is having some trouble, isn't he? - Would you like to know why? - Why? Because he is a Scot. Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge?

Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg. There's no chance we're gonna be friends now, is there? Absolutely not. Can I at least think about you in the tub later? No! I'm still gonna.

That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it? Yes, it does. No, it doesn't though, really. See, you're not really thinking this through. We would still be faced with the problem of the odor, you see. And, of course, then what am I gonna do with no diaper? I'm not gonna walk around here with my Tic Tac hanging out.

the part of Brian the Dog will be played by Carter Banks. Here I am. Sorry I-- Camera 2. Sorry, I overslept. Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? ahem. Well, I'm-- I'm su-- I'm sure you have something to say to that. Mmm?

Barely got a good-night kiss.

No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight. - (ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME - PLAYING)

I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.

But I feel like my gazpacho is too thick. Are you kidding? It's refreshing and filling. You know, next time I'd put paprika in the potato salad, and maybe add an extra tomato to thin out the gazpacho, because it's very thick. Who the hell is this bitch?

Okay, now, we gotta make sure we've got all the provisions before we head up to base camp. 'Cause I don't think there's gonna be a Star Market halfway up the mountain. (LAUGHING) Oh, Mom. That's our local market at home. Okay, let's split up and meet in an hour in front of The Yak Shack.

The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook,

I love my wife more than anything in the world. Can you please shoot me instead of her? Such tenderness and love on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. Why don't I just call off the hit? Oh. Yeah, That could work. Wait! We're a team. Is that ok with you? Because your opinion matters, too. Yes! Let's get the hell out of here!

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! (YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie.

And you know nothing of my work.

Good show, old chap. Well played. Here she comes! (CROWD MURMURING) Very well. Time for action.

I think we found his muse. Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk. That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down, and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk. Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do. Practicing? What for? The competition. You're gonna be my first champion.

BRIAN: Peter, let go of me! PETER: I need to go find a screwdriver and some lighter-fluid. BRIAN: What? Come on! (SCREAMS) BRIAN: Damn it!

Look, your--your parents will be home any minute. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? No, no, No. Go. Go. It'll be funny. Stewie needs to learn how to socialize with other children.

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns. (SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Oh, that's okay, Lois. 'Cause you know, I got to say, I don't think those rich guys have it all that great. Too much stress. You know, you give me the choice, I'll choose our life any day of the week. Me too, Peter. Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself. (SNIPPING) You look like garbage. What happened?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do Hold it. Hold it. (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) What... What's going on here? - I'm pregnant. - You...

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I... (BOTH GASPING) Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese with your mom.

this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool.

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious.

(STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING)

Well, I'll be a son of a gun!

meet me at the bar at Applebee's. That sucks. Sorry, Stewie. That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!

Lois Griffin, poop for one. I also need a poop. Do you have a reservation, sir? Yeah, I called a couple days ago. Who did you speak to? Dave... Al... Jeff... Ilium... Tonio? Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio hasn't worked here for four years. The hell with you. I'll use the other bathroom.

I... It's Priscilla. I... I mean, it's gotta be Priscilla. She's the only one who's not here.

Okay, this is it, James. I got your next project right here. Peter, you've pitched me dozens of projects, and all of them involve me playing a hayride driver. I don't know, I just see you doing that. You know, this year, it's vampires, next year, it's hay. These things go in cycles. Peter, this is probably a good time to fire you. What?

Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time.

Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls. Uh, Hello? Uh, Lois? I can't take out the garbage because I'm at the office and they're making me stay late.

Bovine lummox! Oh! Oh, God!

Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, Joe. Good morning, Peter. - I'm here to revoke your driver's license. - What? Why?

You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! Play with this! At least you can spend your final moments doing something you enjoy. You know, it's funny, I had actually stopped playing with that toy,

Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and... And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that. Hey, you guys.

Hi, Joe. Thanks for coming. Okay. Now that Joe's here, I can say this in front of all of you.

Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry. What the hell's your problem, you dumbass? What the deuce is all the commotion? Quick, everyone get in the attic.

I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree. Oop! Broke my hip! Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant. You're gonna make the cutest baby Jesus ever.

Let me see it. No. No, I don't want to gross you out. (GROANING) We are in so much pain, right now. The two of us. Okay, that was real!

Hi, fellas. I sure do love being gay. Harry's choice of lifestyle is wrong. So we're gonna beat him up for it. Now, take these baseball bats and get to it. (HARRY GASPING) All right. Good so far. No, no, no, don't use the bats like that! No, no. Don't use them like that, either!

Dad, all it's done is run on that wheel for the past three weeks. Yeah, looks like it's in pretty good shape. Can I pick it up? I wouldn't.

We just got to make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out. Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

but you can't get us out of a safe? Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini. Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor. I'm uncomfortable. You have to change me.

It is so good to be home. You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values. But values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs. I agree, Lois. Like for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot.

Oh, no. Privateers. No doubt they're after my sugar cane, tobacco and spices. Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding. (EXCLAIMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew! Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo!

Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard!

Wow, Thanks! See ya. That was kinda cool.

Vet? I hate the vet!

What's wrong with your picture? Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license. You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk. "This is you normal. I can tell by the picture." I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago.

Norm. Norm. And Peter. Yeah. - How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson? - Griffin. I can't find the on-ramp, Woody. He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk.

Are you kidding? I'm so excited.

It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works. So what you're saying is that it happens overnight? Look, Peter, I'm the one with the Jewish heritage and I really don't want to make a big deal out of this. Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew. Now, listen up. I like the hat and I like the scarf,

Well, that's interesting, Brian, because I found this buried in the backyard next to your soup bone. (GASPS) Stewie, I... You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches.

You'll never know just how much I care Yeah! And if I try, I still

You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

(ALARM BUZZING) Ma'am, is this your bag?

For those of you wondering what I've been writing down as we go to commercial, it's a cat. Just a cat. In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art. A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face,

Hey! Hey, Brian, the guy who wrote this, his name, Charles Dickens.

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic. (WHIRRING)

Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without T.V. for weeks!

A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet!

Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!

Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year. That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche.

Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner? Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell.

QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

I don't know what it is, but you have got it.

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag.

If God created us To be so big That's proof he must be A big, fat Heeb

Uncle Owen? Aunt Beru? Oh, my God!

Hey, what are you guys doing here? (GROWLING) Artoo, play him the message. Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.

I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis.

Sounds more like someone dropping sandwiches off a rooftop. Watch out below, right? Look like Hacky Sacks. You'll be sorry if you kick 'em, though. (INHALES) All righty, well he seems to be all done now. You have a good evening... (THUDDING RESUMES) Oh, my goodness. He must have gotten into the chicken feed again. You'd think they'd know it wasn't in their diet,

Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we? Hi. He'll be right back. He's in the bathroom.

Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here. What are you trying to do? Once I locate the proper code sequence, this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born.

What do you wanna do now? I got an idea. How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING)

What the hell is all this? This is history, Brian. A key moment in the history of happiness. - Have a seat. - (SIGHS)

It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that?

CLEVELAND: Come on, man.

Hello, Peter. Would you like some cold roast beef? What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time.

Wonder what this is. It's my book. And there's a note from my publisher. "We are returning all of the unsold copies "of Faster Than the Speed of Love." You guys got a garage or something? We got like 300 boxes of these things. (LAUGHING) Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

Besides, he's right.

But I am a boy.

Oh, he's doing great. Isn't that right, pal? Guy looks like a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here. (BOTH LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, oh! Okay, let's have dinner, huh? So, how did you guys get together?

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out.

(SIREN WAILING)

She must be more drunk than Santa Claus when he got that DUI.

Not exactly. He broke out to see me, Brian. We're in love. Meg, are you crazy? You can't harbor a fugitive! That's a felony! Only if someone finds out. Are you gonna do it? Are you gonna tell on me again? Well, I... Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit?

Okay, and if I win, you have to go online and download that footage of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, and you have to forward it to all your friends with the message, "Oh, my God, look what I just found online! "Isn't this the funniest thing you've ever seen?" - So, is it a bet? - Yeah, fine. - Kiss on it? Oh! - What?

I mean, we got two dead guys guarding the ammunition. Sorry guys, you are here until the job is done.

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.

It's not prostitution.

Oh! An eye for an eye. Well, Lois, I guess I owe you an apology.

Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! Now, you Kids Go to your rooms, and don't come out for the rest of the night. But, I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey."

Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian. All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century. People are tolerant. Well, this is nothing. Probably just a random act of violence. I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.

Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of The D'Oyly Carte Opera Company. (SIGHS)

Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey! That was a lovely service, Francis. Super. And only 3 more hours till school.

and get some astringent to get rid of that thing. What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood. Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch and our first group date. ls everyone ready for a little cowboy action?

Hey, Dad! Check out my abstinence ring.

That's how my old scoutmaster shakes hands. Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.

Yeah. We didn't stay in the haunted house. We're not brave.

qua--quag, Quagmire. Be careful. The tiniest prick will pop these things. Giggly. We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about.

How can you even say that, Dad? Didn't like... Didn't like it. Peter, it's so good. It--It's like the perfect movie. This is what everyone always says whenever... Robert De Niro, Al Pacino... I mean, you never see... Robert Duvall! (STUTTERING) I know. Fine, fine actor. Did not like the movie. - Why not? - Did not... Couldn't get into it. Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it?

Ugh! You... You just hit me.

Oh, no--no--no-- No. I'm not gonna see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by. I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Meow!

Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help! Oh, My God! George!

(SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later.

Nice to meet you, Marian.

Strike four, Jelly Jealouson. The other was my sister. (SIGHS) - It's so nice up here. I know. I love the way the fire makes the shadows dance around behind us. One time, my friends and I went camping and nobody could start a campfire. And then I tried to start the campfire, and I could.

Well, as usual, this is gonna suck for one of us.

(VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it!

Friends, family, and characters random,

Let me see that. A big screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets... Peter, someone has obviously stolen your credit card. Well, here's the good news, Brian. Whoever the thief is, he's spending less than my wife.

i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall erected in 15-- Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!

Fellas, it doesn't matter what you wear... as long as you play kickass rock and roll and do this with your tongue. Am I right, Gene? You got that right, Pete. LOIS: Oh, my. Hi, Gene. I didn't know you were here. All right. Keep it in your mouth, rock star.

This is unbelievable!

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement.

(WHISPERING) You're awesome. Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's. But first in medical news, Dr. Elmer Hartman, beloved family doctor to all of Quahog, is the target of a molestation lawsuit. The trial is set to begin tomorrow.

Everyone, everyone, I have something to say.

One-way to Providence, please. Yeah, how much to get to Providence? Brian? Stewie, what the hell? But how can you be...

All right, well, nothing to worry about. Chris is going to be just fine. Oh, Chris, I'm so glad you're okay. What happened? You had a heart attack, sweetie. A heart attack? Yeah, you almost worked yourself right into the ground, buddy. It's all our fault.

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING) Dr. Hartman, this was just too close a call. Next time, we could be too late.

Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh! Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready.

Who are you? We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast!

Ok, here goes. Oh, God! That kill me? I was afraid of that. all right, Try the green one and the blue one. Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money. But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Mr. Griffin, are you ok? I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5.

Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)

Listen here, you bully! For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you. Like hell she did. Brenda, you tell them? No, not yet. Everyone, I have wonderful news. Jeff and I are getting married. (ALL GASPING) I'd show you the ring, but it's under the splint. My finger fell down the stairs.

What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts?

That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane. Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH) Yo, yo! What's up, James Woods High?

Chris, did you put a coonskin cap on Stewie? No, why? (LAUGHS) They look like little robbers. Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes!

Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy? Huh? I never slept with Francois. What? But Peter said... Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter. I said she wanted to. Damn it, Peter! Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things.

Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah.

It's ok. Meg, hand me my sweater.

Well, it was still nice. Let me just ask you this. When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind, is it good?

Well, Peter Griffin is no loser!

ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you

Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards! Peter!

Any questions? Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? You'll get the answer to that question next Saturday. (SCOFFS) Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too. - What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy.

Peter, my good friend. How good of you to come and show your respect on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. Yeah, sorry I didn't bring a gift. But the stores were mobbed. I mean "mobbed" as in "crowded." Not "mobbed" as--as in, uh... you guys. Who is this enchanting woman?

There's no conflict in this movie!

Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night.

Hi, gorgeous man. Oh, you.

Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. You didn't plan on it, but it's happening.

That's right, Tom. And now it's time for sports. GrEAT, The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again. Well, I'll show them! I'll show all of them! Oh, my God, that hurts! Oh, no, You're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that anklE.

- (DOG BARKING) - Ugh! Our stupid neighbor's dog barks 24/7. God, I hate dogs. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yeah.

Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush! Don't tell my dad. Rush, you're not giving him sweets, are you? God damn it.

So, anyway.... Hey, I made you a mix tape. I don't have a dual cassette player... so, you know, I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio... so the quality is kind of sucky... but, you know, all the songs describe my feelings.

What is that? It's True Blood. Yeah, no one knows what that is. Rich gay people do. Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters? Stewie, it's gonna be fine.

Maybe our paths will cross again someday.

Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands right there? It'll help me relax. Ok, buddy. Ahh!

Chris! Chris! Stop this travesty right now! So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

(SOBBING) Oh, my God! Meg! What the hell? Where'd you get that hat? A girl gave it to me. What did she look like? She had a great personality. That's her. Where is she? Is she here? No, they took her just a little while ago.

Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch. Somebody's in the closet!

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.

Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire. It's good to be back, Peter. Hey, Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes? That's Quagmire.

What? I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual. And that's how I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting.

hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa? Why, I have a cell phone. So, we do have your cell phone! Well... It's... I have my cell phone. No, we have your cell phone. Give her the cell phone, Brian. (SIGHS) There you go. Merry Christmas!

I'd fuck me so hard Hey, Chris. What's that? Did you sit on something?

Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter.

Okay, guys, I got one.

Peter, I-- Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time.

Oh, What the hell.

Oh, Sorry, Lois. What's your news? Well, I...

Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going? All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE?

Can I get stamps, too?

- Hello. - That's not funny!

I don't think he's ever done anything as laughable as this book. Look, all right, well... What do you want? I wrote it in a day. (AUDIENCE GASPING) Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours. I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me. I was just trying to write something that would sell. I think it's crap, too.

a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream. What is this stuff?

On which we used to rely

I'm glad she's gone. Yeah. You know, sometimes you just got to make a decision and go with it. Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement. Peter, I don't think... Brian, your objections are duly noted. Now, hit the gas. (TIRES SQUEALING) You know that would never work again in a million years.

I got you, you freshman. I'm going to teach you the lesson that it is not okay to be a freshman.

He's a family guy Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books,

Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow

Mmm. Wow, this is good. What's in there? Well, there some apples and some cinnamon and my hair. What? My hair's in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian?

Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger. Oh, He's teaching a class. I--I can't bother him now. Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey. What is it, Lois?

Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.

I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN?

Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie, honey, where are you?

Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.

I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone.

Aw, Man! Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med. Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap! Look at this place.

This van has the latest in law-enforcement technology. Watch. Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent! Sweet. Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh!

Get the fuck out of my house!

Hey, Meg, I'll pay you a dollar a day to smell my sneakers. (LAUGHING)

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas. (FARTS) Mustache fart.

But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! No toys, Stewie.

Okay. You have $1,300. Why don't you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase? Okay, let's see. Oh, boy! Everything looks nice. Um... All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600. And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. Uh, give me the one free week of maid service.

Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me...

(TYPING) Okay, now, the device is powered by kinetic energy, so you've got to dance to make it work. You, uh... Really? Yeah, you've got to dance. (LAUGHING) What are you doing, you tool? Do you know anything about science? You just saw me program it. (CRACKLING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hello. You're...

Yeah, has he gotten any better? I'm afraid not. He's still only speaking gibberish. Yeah, and we could live without the semen throwing, I'll tell you that.

Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

But how can you be having an affair?

You've got The AIDS That guy's gonna feel so much better after we do what we got planned.

I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them.

I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable. Ooh. Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer! Ooh! You're one to talk. Out there every trash day picking through my garbage. That's an invasion of my privacy.

Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show, Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron. Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you, even in the worst of times.

The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey.

Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies.

You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less.

How do you not know about trick-or-treating? Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick. Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

so let's get this done.

This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING) Chris, what happened to the couch?

Joe, you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin. It's a pleasure, Lois. Who's the little guy? This is Stewie. Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME.

Yeah. Well, this here? It's just my package. Just my package. God delivered it, I signed for it.

"It's like a half-hour commute."

Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle. - Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up?

How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

"I alone had reached the target objective, "thanks to the intrepidity "I developed at testicular boot camp. "But it was a trap! "I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for 9 grueling months." Day 171. I've sprouted another finger,

I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!

Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the T.V., and get me a few beers, huh? Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes and the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yup.

"Now is the winter of our discontent "made glorious summer by this sun of York. "And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce

Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone! That's impossible. She was still passed out on the couch when we left. (GROANS) What the hell happened?

I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit. I don't care what it takes, Brian, I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death,

Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

Okay, we're here as friends, but I'm gonna change your mind one day. Whoa! Easy there, Spencer. Now behave yourself, and there'll be a withered carrot for you later.

What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words.

Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here. (SCREAMING) Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation. If you freeze up his money, he's not gonna have anything to live on.

I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow. Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it!

Yes, my gums are sore! Enough of this! I must complete my time machine, move time forward, and end this agony! Hey, Dad. Mom says she was really on last night. Yeah. About that. Lois, see, the guys were just being polite. They thought your singing was too...

"Black-Eye" Griffin and his family were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.

You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded.

Meg? Yeah, Dad. I don't mind driving you around till you get your license back.

Oh, come on. Just be gay.

Peter, your breakfast is ready. Hang on, I'll be right back, Lois. I'm just going across the street. Peter, you can't keep using Cleveland's bathroom. Oh, my God. Yes, I can. Cleveland's bathroom is the greatest discovery since fat women discovered Diet Coke.

Hey, everybody. I'm just here to let y'all know that movie night's been moved to Joe's place. What? But we--we always do it here. Movie night at the Griffin house is a tradition. Yeah, but Joe just finished putting in his new home theater. It's gonna be tight, y'all.

MAYOR: and, of course, "Ethnic Kiss." (AUDIENCE CHEERING) This is an offer you don't want to miss. But don't take my word for it. Hear what '80s mainstay Howard Hesseman has to say about it. I love it. Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed? We don't think so. Order now.

And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6. Good news! Good news! What, more people I love think I'm an arrogant jerk? You're more than that, Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best new Director." A Woody? I'm up for a Woody? Come on, Call your family.

(FARTING CONTINUES) (SPLASHES) Ah! Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren. (CROWD APPROACHING) What the hell is that?

Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now our feature presentation, Lawrence of Arabia, presented in its original, ultra-cinemascope letterbox format. (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA THEME PLAYING) LOIS: Well, I can't see anything. STEWIE: Who's the rather attractive girl on the camel? BRIAN: That's Peter O'Toole. PETER: You film buffs might enjoy this.

Just a few moments of your time. Hang on. Let me just get this little guy assembled. (HUMMING) So where you from? Newburyport. What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe. All right, I think we're all set here.

Stupid doctor said I was fat. Can you believe that idiot? Well, Peter, you are on the large side.

Also, the government wants to tell you how many children you can have. What? No! And the government wants to tell you you can't throw your old TVs into the river. Then how I supposed to find TV? If you join the Tea Party, together, we can fix all that.

lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more?

I don't want to die! There's so much I have left to do. Yeah. You and me both, man.

(EXCLAIMS) No gravity. There he is! Oh, go on. No, really, go on.

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with.

BRIAN: It just doesn't make sense that there aren't any people. This couldn't have happened naturally. Something must have caused this. Or someone.

(EVERYTHING I DO PLAYING)

Oh, that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.

That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie? That kid was Indian and 11 years old. Where are you finding my friends? Aw! Someone's a little cranky. Here, let me put on the radio. Talkin' 'bout the club

"Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

It was-- It was all over the news. The-- The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him that night. Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time.

Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Aw, jeez.

Lauren is in the back. Just follow the music and you will find her. Thanks. (VIOLIN PLAYING) Hi, Brian. Wow! Hi.

Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you!

Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit? All right, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna ask you a series of questions to determine whether or not you can be impartial jurors. First off, do any of you have any prejudices you feel the court should know of?

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right?

I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts, wet farts Your farts, I like farts, if you've got heart Oh, I've got heart Let's hear those farts How do I start? Well, Peter, I will help you Get your fartin' started

Hey, Brian, help me demonstrate. Uh, Peter, maybe somebody else could-- Come on! Ok, so on the count to 3, you try to push me out of the ring, I try to push you out of the ring. Ok? Ready? 1, 2, 3! ow. What--What the hell? What the hell? Brian, I'm sorry-- No! No, No. You know what?

Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault. You can't vault inside the living room. You're gonna get hurt. Yeah. I'll get hurt right onto a Wheaties box. I don't see that happening. Yeah? Who cares what you say? You're a dog. You can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag.

We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money.

And don't smoke or you'll see it hurts to pee

Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantel? What? They left it out for Santa. We're Santa. Yeah, but you're not supposed to eat all of it. You take a bite and a sip of milk. That's how the kids know Santa was here! Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just... I'm telling you how it's done. They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it!

No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Yeah. Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro.

Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!

Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding.

Hey, Murphy, blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah, John Sununu. Murphy, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, Tipper Gore. Hey, Murph, you can't blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah-blah the Ayatollah. Blah-Blah-blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu, blah-blah.

How's your little experiment going? (SOBBING) Horrible. Three girls I don't care about made me cry in the bathroom.

They call me Bill yes, they call me Bill And I'm standing here on Capitol... Ohh!

Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

Okay. I changed my mind. There will be kissing on the mouth. Uh, all right. Good. Now, what else? What else? Uh, yes. If, per chance, it is beautiful, I reserve the right to cry. Peter, I can't imagine any scenario where this is gonna be beautiful. Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man. Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas?

He's a family guy Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.

now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna