You--You married Brian?

Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.

All right, now remember, Lando, don't get a single scratch on the Falcon, okay? Look, will you relax? I already said I'll be careful. Well, just make sure you are. That ship's gotten me laid a bunch of times.

Oh, boy, nice to be back home. Those seminars can wear you out. (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Wow, did you say, "Web-based Internet series"? No. Oh, my bad.

Carter didn't die. He cured himself. Hold it right there. (BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

(BOTH MOANING) (MEG SIGHS)

But we only need $20,000. (SIGHS) All right, look, I'll be honest with you. My father-in-law has treated me like crap for almost 20 years, and it's time for a little payback. $40 million! That's $10 million each! I could afford to produce a movie with B+ stars in a not-so-expensive location.

I'll tell you a little secret, neighbor.

Africa by Toto was playing. I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversations

It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad.

She is so jealous. Of course, I'm beautiful.

I've got to get this shipment of sugar cane, tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end.

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Yee, would your people really do this?

PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?

Sure I do. Look, here comes a bunch of people. (PEOPLE SHOUTING) Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson.

Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed. That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office. You kids are mighty smart. You must have a powerful good teacher. Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s.

So, how do you win this game? Just fill this out when they say the letter and the numbers? Yeah, that's a sucker's bet. There's only one way to win this game. Wait for someone else to win and steal his card. G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

Yes, Daddy. If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian. Okay. And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month. - Do you understand me? - Yes, ma'am.

and it was cool sailing from there.

And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you! Aw, jEEz. Mine doesn't look anything like his. Ah, The hell with iT!

Waah! Blast!

Hey, let's see yours, Joe. No. Come on! (SIGHS) Wait, why does it say... Yeah. They were all out of handicap that day, so I got retarded. Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire. Wait a second. You were born in 1948? Uh, yeah. You're 61 years old?

CLEVE: Fuck that.

You're somebody's father, you filthy whore. Hi, sweetie. Look at her staring. What are you looking at, huh? God, I should take her out right here with these, man. Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch?

Peter, the operation was a complete success! What are you going to do now? The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me?

I mean, there's only two phones in the... Well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago. Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

The fat one or the funny-looking one? Dad called you fat. Wait. Stewie's really been acting out lately. And, I think it's 'cause he's not spending enough time with you. It's time that you take an interest in your son. Starting today, I want you to spend more time with Stewie. Okay. You can make a box fort.

And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff.

(CLANGING) Rise and shine, everyone! What do you got there? A candy bar, huh? - Got any other contraband? - No. Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer. Oh, so your dad gets guys off. (LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball. God, he's like a totally different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

(LASERS FIRING) (BODIES THUDDING) PETER: All right, just follow my lead and act real cool. (MINNIE THE MOOCHER PLAYING)

Duh!

Uh, uh, Let's see. Uh... Hey, that was pretty good. But when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just "Me llamo Brian." Oh, You speak English.

(THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)

I know you just can't wait to stare at all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra-boomin', all-consumin'

Indeed, Lois. If you don't mind, I'll address you in my natural speaking voice, as I've grown so weary of doing an American accent. Do you want to come to my Big Bang viewing party next week?

Hey! They're getting away! Release the dogs. (DOGS BARKING) (PANTING)

Love lift us up where we belong where the eagles fly on A mountain high love lift us up where we belong

(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Hi, Dad, it's me. Just wanted you to know I got here safe. And sound? Yes, Dad, and sound. Oh! Good. The "sound" is what concerns me.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

- Sorry, Master Herbert. - Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt. Yes, sir.

I think you should go now, Lois. I can't. My husband took the car. (KNOCKING) No, yeah. No, I know it's late. I just need some tropical fish food.

Hey, Brian, I'm not gonna recycle this aluminum can. I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. Your Earth's bitch.

One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

Jackasses. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. Congratulations.

Don't you dare spit that out. What's the difference? You got what you wanted. - I said swallow it! - (GULPS) Now, smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open. Look at yourself, you filthy whore. (GRUNTS) I don't even want this now.

Oh, Relax, Woolly Willy. There's lots of fun things you can do with that. There we go. Thanks! On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty. Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo! In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service.

That's right, Joyce. The Tea Party has gained a sizable following based on their message of low taxes, limited government, and happy birthday, Tom... Oh, my God, you guys!

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos.

Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes. LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah.

Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?

Yay, Meg! Oh, Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days! Oh! What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul.

Peter, what the hell are you doing with a pickup truck? Wait, let me guess, this is because of the Redneck Comedy Festival, isn't it? "Oh, that dog of mine!" Peter, you can't suddenly decide to be a redneck just because of some show. Some show? Lois, those men showed me the way to an identity I've been searching for my whole life.

(RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

And we have to get Stewie back! I remembered. WELl, We're here to help. And we must get our baby back. Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! ROCk their worLd!

Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary. Wow, a Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music, so I thought you might appreciate it. You're so thoughtful!

Ugh! I ask him to do one thing while I'm at yoga. You go to an intro class, and it's not even at the yoga studio. It's in someone's living room. And that's not even a yoga mat. That's the old pee pad from my crib. Uh, Lois, you might want to check this out. What is it, Brian? Take a look. And now, boys and girls,

MURIEL: And your back!

I'll be back tomorrow for the $80. And I'm taking your welcome mat.

(CHUCKLING) Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it, it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It should've been Ferris Bueller's Day On, 'cause that was all the stuff he wanted to do. Yeah! And he was so on that day, so it kind of works on two levels.

They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

Hey, Han! What? Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea.

you know, like in church and stuff but I don't think I could ever do what you do. WHy? You think you're better than me? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. What I do has to be done. He's right, Peter. You've disturbed the natural order of things. People need to be able to die.

Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!

Wait, Don't touch that bird! What's it to you, pal? I'm Dr. Goodman of the quahog Ornithological Society ironically dining in a restaurant that exclusively serves poultry. Doctor, what is this? Oh, It's a very rare species. The endangered White-Rumped Swallow. "Rump." This isn't funny, Chris!

Thanks. It's probably just the dress and the makeup. Now that I look closer, yeah, I think that's what it is, too.

(SPRING BOINGING) (LAUGHING) Who could forget that one? Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy, here to tell you about a new CD offer. Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well."

Now let's get down the chimney. Ow! Bitch! Okay, let's get the presents under the tree. All right, you have 'em? I thought you had them. For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh!

Oh, that's me. Thanks. BRIAN: Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so f got you this answering machine. So, what's going on? f was thinking about doing something tonight-- Hey, you're home.

Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

(BONES CRACKING)

This is gonna be fun. Peter, this is crazy. Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? No, they said the decision was final. It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this. I mean, a British football team can't be that bad.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet.

It's catching the perfect wave! It's obeying all the rules! No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!

I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

Okay, so he wants to be a woman, so he can be a lesbian? No, he'd date men. Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay. Okay, this is not the help I came over here for. Well, look, let's just all agree that he's odd. Huh? (LAUGHING) He has an appointment Friday with Dr. Hartman to have the procedure, and he wants me to go with him. I just, I don't know if I can handle that.

Someone who got him elected. Someone who padded his expense account. And all I wanted was to fire a missile into a fault line to sink half of Quahog into the ocean and make my real estate waterfront. You got that from Superman. Nobody likes you.

And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi. All right, fellas. I think we did it.

And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich, we'll get you to the hospital. You bastard. There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Look, I know kids. And this story's gonna put them to sleep. Meg needs something that's gonna pull those kids away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and their Spirographs, and their Moby Grape, and their 90210. Luke Perry. That's it!

Yee, would your people really do this? Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?

I had to cancel another appointment.

can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams.

But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know what? you know what? I bet you run into those 2 dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. And You're not gonna know which one is which, And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me.

Never seen you before in my life. Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase.

Oh, Stewie, there you are. Peter, I asked you to do one simple thing. Watch the baby. And you couldn't even do that. Come on, Stewie. Jeez, why's she got to be such a nag? I wish she was more like Mother Maggie.

Will you be my wife, Princess Meg? Oh, yes! Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING)

I'm not cheering. I don't even know them. (ALL CHEERING)

9,

Hey, what the hell? What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? You want to go? Go? What are you talking about? I'm talking about go. That's what I'm talking about!

Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man.

Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson. Ok, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?

That's just not true. What about this toy? Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys. Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.

Hey, look, everybody. It's Spuds MacKenzie! Ahh! Well, That's the last of the furniture. No T.V.

Yeah.

What's this? (READING) Well, that's a no-brainer. Come on, you fat fuck. Do it. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)

Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural... Sorry, Mr. Swanson. I wasn't really talking to you. Chris, I know a lot about sex. Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kind of hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down. I'm a father!

This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves. We're going to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie?

No, two-nothing! Three-nothing! Fight over! Fight over! Wow, you got a lot of catching up to do, and tomorrow night in the dark, huh? In the dark? Yeah, if you say so. Just don't tickle me in my lower abdomen. I'm super ticklish there. PETER: Lower abdomen. You're gonna wish you never said that.

I know. I'm eating number two now.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off!

I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it! Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try.

Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak?

You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke.

Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away. We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be.

What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "0, Captain! my Captain!" In your case, I'd get the money up front.

To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God!

Hey, where's Peter? I don't know. I haven't heard from him since he left work. (ENGINE REVVING) Hope you made extra. I brought a guest. What the hell? Who is this? This is my dirt bike girlfriend. Amber. I'm a dirt bike guy now, so I need a dirt bike girlfriend.

so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey.

PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on?

ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud.

You bastards come into our village, and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!

with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek. Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends. That's how I found out he was a white supremacist. Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy,

"P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. "The end." (SIGHS) Wow. I guess he's really gone. (SOBBING) I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Oh, Mort!

Uh, uh... Oh, Dick. Thank God you're here. Talk to her. Message CM-27. The subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable or outside the calling area. What do you feel like doing later? Message CM-42. Let's go pay some hookers to knock our junk around.

All the way up! - Oh! My shirt's a little too short. - That's okay. You can keep 'em the way you had 'em so it covers your stomach. Thank you. You know, if this Jeff was around more, we wouldn't have tried to kill you. See you later, schmucks! (BOTH GRUNT) Uh.

Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.

Hi, Peter. I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight. Peter and I are going to see Zapped. I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him, and no one would be gay. Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said,

I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.

Peter, this is ridiculous. You're going to be fine. Dad, the doctor called. Your test results are in. This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all. My--My nephew drew my portrait. It doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, Look at the nose. It's all--

All right, you guys, these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey, so I need you to stay in the car, okay? No joking around.

Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire! Here, that ought to cover it. Peter, I don't want your money! Well, fine, then. Have a box of Jeremy Irons Cereal.

Okay, here we go. - How's everybody doing? - Good. Good so far. All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.

Peter, what are you doing? What is all this stuff? Dad's starting his own TV station, but I'm not supposed to tell Mom because she's just gonna bitch him out. What the hell do you expect to accomplish with this? I'm saving television, Lois. Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to...

ANNOUNCER: Willkommen! Where are we? AUDIENCE: Das! Ist! Gut! Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja. Sauerkraut. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut.

Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck!

Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can.

Oh, it is so good to have my boys back home safe and sound. Thank God for that psychic. What are you talking about? The psychic didn't do anything. Well, she said we were gonna find them and we did. I always wondered about psychics, but I gotta tell you, I'm a believer now.

1! 2! 3!

You... You look familiar. Do I... Do I know you? Did you go to North Providence High School? No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners? No. - Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store.

Hey, Brian. I just noticed you over here. Hi, I'm Jillian. Desiree. Charmed. Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned. Oh! Oh, yeah. Right. We're really hitting the town. Yes. We're gonna douche the night away.

(PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

But you should have some before the other kids get to it. What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad.

If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay?

Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!

I just said I felt like Hitler. What? Nobody here's Jewish, right? Gee, I don't know. Are you Jewish, Gordon? I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian.

Come here. (COWS MOOING) Peter, what are you doing? Well, Lois, a big part of owning a farm is crossing a road very slowly with cows. Okay, okay, Bessie, now. Get yourself out there. Easy does it. (BRAKES SQUEALING) (HORN HONKING) Hey, come on, man! I got to get to work!

Peter, America is the land of opportunity. There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy series, including That '70s Show, and... But let me ask you something. Don't you miss your home?

and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. Carl, this isn't fair! All right, then, you're fired. What? But... No, you can't... (CRYING) Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine. Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way?

You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it.

What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man.

What is wrong with you? Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

(GUNSHOT) What the hell? (SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind?

Never mind that, Bonnie, I'm here to induce birth. Follow me. Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet, and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain-dead, it'll come rushing out to change the channel. And when he does, I'll grab his hand and yank him out of there. Peter, I don't think... Shh. It's starting.

HEy, Hey! does this look like a "Q" to you? How about now?

Stewie, you in there? You think he's here? God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here.

Hi, I'm Peter. You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle. As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger. Why? Because I don't do drugs. Took me five minutes to get to White Castle. I didn't get diverted by all those crazy high jinks.

Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!

These water wings didn't help at all.

And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell?

You're a meanie! (CRYING)

oh, My God! Oh, That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life! Ahh! That totally sucked. You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers! Hmm, This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group.

Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it. - That is freaking smurf. - Yeah. Hello? Oh, my God! Peter, why are you staring into the dryer? I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See, now--Now, those are Chris' socks, right?

Excuse me? I said, "May I have a blanket?" Oh, yes. Of course. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes, so now it is official. Let me touch your face! Lois, we could use your help in Coach. Ok, e-everyone,

Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him. God, I hate this freaking cat.

Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait!

Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!

Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard!

Oh. Didn't know that. Ooh! Ooh! This next one's my favorite. It's about the Pan Am flight from Lockerbie. It's raining luggage and babies and limbs and Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child. Hey, did you read this? They're going to be making an American version of Jolly Farm, right here in Quahog.

No way, gross. I mean... No. Yeah, I totally love how that feels. Hi. You know, I've been noticing you around the steno pool. You look good enough for a promotion.

lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you!

But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do?

Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food. Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish. I really thought we were gonna lose him. It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin.

I would sacrifice

Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies, but one passenger had survived, gone home and mercilessly beat his wife.

I'm gonna tear the cover off this ball. But, hang on, first I got to adjust myself. (CROWD CHEERING) Are you having a nice morning, dear? Oh, yes, I love living here, in the next town over.

(RITA EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) - What's wrong? Oh, nothing.

How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal! Aw, jeez, This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois! ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh... I'm gonna ask someone for directions.

There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. The port is quite good.

Ok, so we--but we Can see each other outside the Faire, right?

"and let the husband horse slap a batch into her now and then." Well, I guess that's it. I love you, sweetheart. And I have a lovely gift of the batch-slapping variety waiting for you when I'm just the right amount of drunk. To Lois! ALL: To Lois!

Oh, my God! Oh, what happened to that kid? He fell off a stool trying to turn off Maury Povich. This is awful! Where's your teacher? Probably out back.

You weren't specific. I've never done this before. Are you okay, Brian? Yeah, I'm just so happy to meet you both. (GROANS) What the hell are you... I'm cauterizing your tail. Trust me, I'm a nurse. (WHIMPERING) Brian? What's going on over there? (SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland.

It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma. Come here, babupka. Let me put your fingers in my mouth. I want to press my cold, loose face onto your warm, tight face and breathe meat into your nose.

but we go to church on Saturdays. What? (LAUGHING CRAZILY) (BABBLING)

we'll show you how disastrous it could have been. Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school. (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies.

Peter, have you seen Brian? (MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not. Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache!

Dad!

Ah, Splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home. Everybody, this is Tina. What happened to you? How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up?

So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this.

Your dad was cock of the walk, Glenn. Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt. Your dad once drank me under the table. If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your dad. Your dad had the best penis in the military. Okay, just stop, stop! Everybody, stop!

Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do. Where the hell are we? Oh, this is history right here, Brian. Gettysburg. Billy Yanks. The 20th Maine. So many lives lost. All in pursuit of the ideal that no man should be subjugated because of the color of his skin.

Peter? Oh, My God, I haven't seen you since high school. Yeah! God, What are you doing these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm the green guy. No kidding? Yeah, Yeah. Jeez, God. Hey, is that Stacy Beecham? Where? Now, don't worry.

It's just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized! He's just using that as an excuse.

He's a family guy

No, no, I promise I'll be as quiet as a guy in a coma. (THINKING) Ah! This is great. I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it. Predator Versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen. Where's a pen? Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar idea like that. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who...

Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director.

Greggy! Fitzy! T-Bone! Gaggaboo! Nazi guy! Griff-a! Hey, we're totally stoked for your party this weekend!

No freaking way. They have breakfast for dinner. Lois never lets me do that! (TOUCHTONES BEEPING) (RINGING) Lois, do you have any idea what I'm looking at right now? LOIS: Peter, we're not doing this again. I am at Harvard, the smartest school in the country, and they have... Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy.

I'm never gonna let that happen again. Oh, My God. We've lost him. If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked. Look, buddy. Just go in the pan. And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off.

If I don't rid the house of this Jewish curse, this family is gonna go to hell, and I won't let that happen. Peter, you were the only one who was even taking this thing seriously. Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it.

All right. Let's do it!

You seem to like everything. Brian, you're acting a little distant. Yeah, get whatever you want. Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here. Oh, hey, Quagmire. Listen, Brian, I've been a real heel, and I'd like to make it up to you. Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but there's no need.

Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me Except for you. You can touch me.

Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way.

Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's?

Excuse me, which one was Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork? Uh, I think it was that one. Give me cocaine!

I think I got a wave here! Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.

You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no!

Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?

Okay! Okay! You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee. I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody.

Michael Moore is clearly not gay. What... No story? What are you talking about? You're the one who sent me to investigate. Now I'm showing you proof and you're dismissing it? I don't understand! Lois, I'll be honest. Rush Limbaugh is one of us. We have no wish to smear a fellow conservative.

Oh, crap! Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter. 10 years ago Daddy offered to give us $10 million, and I turned it down. What? Yes. And I'll always turn it down because money just complicates everything. We don't need money because we have each other.

Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly

God, will you guys just shut up back there?

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

What about your bar? It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes. Who'd buy a wrecked bar? The bar's not wrecked. All right! Oh, thank you, God. Don't mention it.

(PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what?

He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off,

She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail! Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter. Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car.

Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

But look who just got herself a sick new tat. MEG: Oh, my God, Mom! I know, I can't believe it either. I guess one of my flaws is I'm just kind of brave. No, that's great actually, because now anyone walking behind you will know that you had $60. Wow! That is awesome, Lois! Your bum looks like an NBA guy's arm.

Anus.

What happened? Where are we? I don't know. It's like we're not anywhere. Stewie, what the hell did your machine do? Just calm down, calm down, Brian. I've got the return pad. All right, step on. What happened? Good Lord!

No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise. PETER: Hang on! Okay!

(SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)

WOMAN: Billy Bob? Leave me alone! I'm taking a bath!

(COUGHS) Hey. Huh? Oh, hey. - You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries?

Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. I see. What in God's name were you trying to prove? I was trying to gain superpowers.

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What?

Dad! Dad! What? 8 is enough. You know, I love you girLS.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight! W-What are you getting mad at me for? After all, He gets his fat from your genes. Which, by the way, I'm wearing. Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?

I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg.

Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing. Peter, you did a really nice thing helping Billy get back together with his wife. Yeah, and the best part is he's out of the house and back in the ocean. I guess everything worked out for everybody. Arr! 'Tis a mighty haul!

2 men are standing at the Pearly Gates. Oh, God, wait! How did that one go? oh, well, Anyway, it turns out they're Siegfried and Roy. I'm no good at telling jokes. Dad, it's Mom. Oh, God! Please be Somerset Maugham. Please be Somerset Maugham. Hello? Peter? Damn! I was just calling to check in with my boys, see how you guys are doing. Oh, uh, w-We're fine.

Ooh it up A party

But then I thought, hey! I could be like Hillary Clinton. Only, y'know without the penis.

(LAUGHS) Oh, man, how the hell are we gonna do this for another 30 days? (CHUCKLES) That's the way it goes around here. Once you come in, you're never allowed to leave. I got my sentence extended 30 days once. That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever!

"oh, Hello. Didn't notice you there. "You know, It's not easy living with my family. "bunch of characters they are. Like my father-- "'Holy crap, Lois! Check out the freakin' log in the toilet!'" Get off the stage! Wh-what--What do you say, Bernie? 2 nights at the old rate?

You just sort of grit your teeth and let us do what we want. I just wish one person was able to find me attractive. That's not too much to ask, is it? No! Look, Angela, I came over here to punch you and maybe kick you in the boob, but now I'm all turned around. Angela? Angela?

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn. What, You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner.

What do you mean, we can't get any reading on the shield? Man, only thing I'm reading is Cat in the Hat. Damn cat! That hat looks ridiculous!

You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me. How am I a bastard? Oh, you want the full story? Meg, please. Not now, Mom. (BRIAN SLURPING) (SNIGGERS) I think Brian's getting a little water in there.

"And i'm gonna be high "As A kite by then

It was wonderful. Oh, don't oversell it, Lois. No, it was good. It almost felt like it was written by a real writer. I read your article, too, Brian. It seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time working on that novel you've been working on. (SCREAMS) You know... (CELL PHONE RINGING) This is Brian. Brian, this is Wellesley Shepherdson.

It's the process, and whatever. Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at The Clam? That's a great idea. Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

"for no person I've ever known has ever done more "to make me feel more sure, more insecure, "more important and less significant." That was beautiful, Brian.

Actually, I got it on the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said, "I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again.

For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING)

and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it.

I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical. All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

I see you.

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds.

They sank, I guess, would be the--the one thing to take away from this part of the seminar. When we come back, I'll show you how eye contact can make or break any business relationship.

I'll have to consult my quantum calculations to try to isolate the factors responsible. What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?

Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

Ow! Ow! What was the point of all that?

Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive?

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won!

Yeah. Now, you say this spy is located somewhere in Quahog? That's right. We need you to set up some roadblocks to help us contain him. Do you have any clues regarding the identity of the spy? It's a little tricky, sir. See, the operative is completely unaware that he's been programmed, and the only way to activate him and discover his identity is by saying the phrase,

Well, what do you think? What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia.

I didn't hear you come in last night.

Uh-oh! Your powers are weak, old man. CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time. No!

And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? (TIRES SQUEALING) JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here!

Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? Oh, You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse. Meg, let me tell you about popularity. Mrs. Canner? Are you coming? Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag.

What the hell is that creepy little thing? Well, I'm not Yoda.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

What are we gonna do? We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house! All right, does anyone have a cell phone? I'm not getting any reception! Me neither! No bars! It's all right. I'll put a message in a bottle.

How can you "half expect" something? I--i don't know. It's just a turn of phrase. How do you "turn a phrase"? Oh, God, you're dumb! Thank God for that ass! Now, come here and kiss me.

I will be next September. Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence. (GLASS SHATTERS)

I hate you! Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.

Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh...

(MOANS) We've gotta find out what cell this princess of yours is in. There it is, 2187. I'm on it! Everything's under control here. Situation normal. STORM TROOPER: What happened? We had a slight weapons malfunction,

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

Look, Meg, I've had enough of this. You're not gonna convert me. But, Brian, I just want you to feel the joy that I feel. I mean, the church makes me feel accepted and safe and part of something bigger than myself. But, Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings. They're inside you.

Peter, you remember Coco, my friend from Newport? Peter, I almost didn't recognize you without a towel on your arm. Lois, where are your parents?

We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here. Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there. You're a monster.

No, no, no, no, don't--don't use that mustard. Use the other mustard. Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there. Quick, scrape that mustard off. Use the other mustard! Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.

No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)

I finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine. How ironic. Hey, Don't talk about your mother that way. She is not an iron.

I'm Peter Griffin, and that skull belongs to me. Well, it's hardly just a skull, Mr. Griffin. I put it on my head, and it's a skullcap! Put it with David Duchovny, and it's Agent Scully. You got to appreciate that... Hey, don't distract me. Now, hand it over, Mr. Top. Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the skull,

They have killed a great many of us, including my beloved wife. Peter, this is it! This is the evidence you've been looking for! If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify publicly about these atrocities? Absolutely. But how do you intend to escape? You leave that to us. Come on.

Hey, guys, sure hope we win the big game on Saturday. - Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! Of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

"your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." "Really? And I suppose you think "I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky "deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" What was that? What did you just write there? Give me that! "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" Oh, I'll give you something to write about! Look at me! I'm insane!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah...

Kahn!

Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed. Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.

All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy... A guy who loses everything, but finds his soul in Canada.

Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs.

Look, Anthony, trust me, she ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off, it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza. Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific. Anyway, good night, kids. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. Uh-uh-uh-uh. On the lips. Yes!

Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts."

Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses. You suck! And you're terrible! And you've been divorced several times. Yes, valid points you're raising, my friend, and I respect you for raising them. But may I ask you a question? Okay. Have you ever read anything I've written? Well, no, I haven't.

For example, here's what happened when we fertilized an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt. Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey.

What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it? Give me your badge. Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him.

All right, Peter. Here we are. Well, everything looks fine.

(IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime.

I have faith that Chris will grow up to be a real mensCH. Ow! Ow! Dad! Dad!

And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice. Where will you go now, Mr. Cow? I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here. Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work out.

Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse!

Yeah, can you get me a chess set and a backwards hat? I got some inner-city school kids I gotta inspire tomorrow. Okay, Darius, point to the king. That's right. It's you. Hey, Lois. Doesn't somebody have a birthday coming up this week?

and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you.

A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys. All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said...

All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD)

Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed. And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting.

I knew it. I knew it was the ex-boyfriend.

Oh, my God! Our car! Oh, man. Am I glad I caught you. I almost forgot. Don't start your car. Hey, Thanks for coming. What a horrible night. It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson. And best of all, nobody important got hurt.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Go get her! Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier. You were right to criticize Meg. She could not even handle this simple task. She's in there right now, taking a nap underwater. For God's sake, save her!

(WIND HOWLING)

Mommy missed you so much! Yes. God forbid you should've put a little eyeliner on for my homecoming. Did you have a nice trip with Brian?

Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from. Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

I never should have dragged you into this anyway. I guess sometimes a father just gets a little overprotective of his daughter, but you gotta know I was only thinking about your happiness. I know, Dad, and I appreciate it. The problem now is that these people are expecting a show. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad.

Hey, Quagmire, how was your date last night? Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night?

Their most bigoted songs.

Ha!

Really? Then would you mind explaining that?

Brian. (DISTORTED) Brian. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

"Peter up on a telephone pole"? Check. "Peter cutting the wires to the alarm"? Check. "Sexy Peter distracting the guards"? Check.

You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you. Let's start by going down Main Street. Ok. What are you doing?

What is it? Specimen Z is a cure for cancer. Carter didn't die. He cured himself. Hold it right there. (BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

That's right, Peter. You're 18 years old again. At least, that's how everyone will see you.

What do you say?

Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high. I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. I love you, Peter Griffin. Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me.

Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here!

Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive?

MAN ON TV: Coming this fall, if you loved Everybody Loves Raymond, then you'll love his brother Robert even more, in Robert. I bet you Debra really gave it to Ray today. I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't very good, but he ate it anyway. And then she got mad at him 'cause he gave her a funny look.

- Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole. Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom. You must be the one she had that fender bender with. Well, I got to meet Nicole, so I prefer to think of it as a happy accident.

Otherwise you might rip your dick off.

No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! You sick, twisted... I hate you. I love it. I will kill you.

You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these strap hangers back where they Came from. Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about. Ahh!

She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh!

I'm taking credit for finding this body. (ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers.

(SPEAKING ELVISH) (STAMMERING) Hey, there. I mean, it's nice to pleasure your acquaintance. I mean, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? I'd love to.

Hey, Kevin, can I see your Purple Heart? 'Cause I never actually seen one. One time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, but looking back, I'm not so sure that that was really a military thing. Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal. You know what I did with it? I threw it back over the White House fence.

Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind.

All right, Lois. Go ahead. Say it. (SIGHS) Chris! It's time for supper! (CHRIS SQUEALING) Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there! Whoa, there!

Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert. Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates.

(PETER COUGHING) (PETER PANTING) PETER: I did it! I did it! That was all that noise. I did it. Hey, Quagmire, you know you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes?

Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to That Black Guy Must Be Doing Well Because Everything He Owns is White. Hey, how you doing? Wow, he must be doing well. Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me. What do you think? I think I'm jealous of Miss "Eats anything she wants and still fits into a size four."

(SIGHING) (BUTTON POPS) (GULPING) (CHOKING)

Look how confident he is, how majestic. Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard. Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards. No, No, Lois. It's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards. Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular, huh? 'Cause--'cause of all them magic tricks? Listen, Brian's very depressed.

Wow, Mom. Were you a Miss Teen Rhode Island? I sure was, Meg, when I was 16 years old. In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract. Really? Why didn't you take it? Well, I wanted to, but your grandfather wouldn't let me. But, Daddy, they offered me a contract. My girl is not lowering herself to modeling.

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome!

'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane

There. Enhance. Wow, I never knew you could do this on a computer. 'Course not, you spend all your time on this watching Captain Stabbin'. All right, we've got to find this man. Let's see, this was taken at the airport.

Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine. Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stuart Masterson. Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her, "'cause she could be your brother" kind of thing. Like, she's gettable, you know? Like Elisabeth Shue. - Oh, I remember her. - Yeah.

ah, Here it is.

We interrupt this program for a Channel Five breaking news report. Three local men have barricaded themselves inside a Quahog bar and are currently in a standoff with authorities. We now go live to Joyce Kinney, who attended her sister's wedding last night. Thanks, Tom. One of the suspects has been identified as Peter Griffin.

Empty alcohol containers. The driver's inebriated and covered in blood. He's got scratches on his face and arms. There's a blood-soaked corpse in the back seat. Got shovels in there, and a hand-drawn map titled "This Is Where We'll Hide the Body." Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you, sir.

(BUS HORN BLARING)

Oh, Daddy. Thank you so much. You're my hero. Oh, that's her father? Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, a big announcement out of Pewterschmidt Pharmaceuticals today.

Well, this is great news! We're saved! Yes, I suppose so. Listen, why don't we head back to my place, grab a bite to eat and watch the big curling match on TV?

That's the lowest thing I've ever heard.

Okay, so sounds like no leads then? Oh, no, no. Doggy out. What? - Out. - I live here. No, no. Afuera . But, look, I'm trying... (EXCLAIMING) (SPEAKS SPANISH) STEWIE: Yes. Could you please put Brian back on? No. No. Doggy afuera.

Wow, does that sound wonderful. Whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds expensive. Can't we just do something fun here at the house? It's just as relaxing. Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums. I'll start packing. I'll start packing. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Meg, it goes by many names. Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers, and, until recently, Giant Horse Vagina,

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter? Dear God, I'm un-teething.

The shortest distance between 2 points is the full-body English, high-arcing rainbow shot. I know what you're thinkiNG.

And then I got pulled over for speeding. License and registration, please. Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir, you know what that means.

I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?

They'll be laughing and singing And music swinging Dancing in the street Philadelphia, PA CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street

In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing--

Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid. If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep. No, I... Wait. What? You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it! All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do. TIN MAN AND SCARECROW: What's that? Talk me out of it. BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Holy crap. Evel Knievel gloves. I bet I could do a wheelie with these. How much for the gloves? Peter, those are yours. $10, $2, $7, $4, $5.50, $10. Sold. Sucker. I would've gone to $15, easy. I am so stupid. Awesome. Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're gonna get hurt.

But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.

And... Uh, Do you mind?

You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it.

Yeah. I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat. And that's why you like him so much. He's you. God, you're pretentious!

Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good. Prosecutor, call your first witness. Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter. Really? Well, that is interesting. Yes, and as a favor to the court,

- Are you whistling Snowbird? - Yeah. That's awesome. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do you get to ring it? Because I was into her first. Let's flip for it, or... (RINGS DOORBELL) I can't believe you did that. I cannot believe you just did that. (RINGS DOORBELL) Will you stop it? She's going to think we're weird. Hi. Can I help you? Hi. Miss Murray. My name's Brian Griffin.

Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing. Otherwise, what's the point, right? You should totally write that down. Okay. Will you watch me? Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family.

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.

He's in jail. Dad, my God, are you ok?

Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for 2 weeks now. Mazel tov. Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. And thank you. Look, I know Stacy isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her. Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh!

Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened? The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose. Oh, crap. And I was going to watch G.I. Jose.

I love you, Lois.

Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure! No, that's not what I... No, no, no, it's a good idea! Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am. But I...

But I hope he doesn't have some gross Jewish candy, like... Like rugelach or hamentashen or hachahachahacha.

All right, let's do it. Both of you are under arrest for prostitution. It's not prostitution. You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno.

Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin!

Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS) Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this.

This'll bring in a couple of bucks.

No, No, I feel like I got off too easy. All right. If you insist.

As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce, I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree. Oop! Broke my hip! Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

and bring a pencil and paper. Dad, what are we doing? Meg, now that Lois has connections at Fox, we are gonna invent our own cartoon show, and we are here to brainstorm ideas. All right, go. Anything that pops into your head. Ooh! How about a show about a bunch of disabled ducks, and we'll call it Handiquacks?

Whoever you are, thank you!

We were all seeing the Beatles live at The Ed Sullivan Show. (FANS SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) PETER: Sorry. I rode a bike here.

Lois, I hope you're sitting down. I got something to tell you. Oh, God, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Is it Chris? No, it's Peter, your husband. But I'm calling with big news. I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs. I did okay. ...America

Look, Peter, his car's still there. Maybe they haven't left yet. Quagmire, let me in, you son of a bitch. QUAGMIRE: (ON RECORD) I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you. The reason being that you have sufficiently scared me away from your wife or daughter. I plan to get help and use better judgment in the future. Wait a minute. So Quagmire just changed all of a sudden, just like that?

Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing.

Wow! Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen! Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, shoot! I forgot my umbrella. That's okay, honey. Come on over here. Thanks, dear. Sometimes it's good to be a freak. Do you want to sleep together later? No. Thanks, though.

Put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera. So, the sex was good? Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass! Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant! Thank goodness I've got you

My name's Penelope. What's yours? Stewie. I've never seen you around here before. I'm new to town and I don't have many friends. (CHUCKLING) All right. A lot of pressure on me instantly, but okay. Would you like to play with some of my toys, Stewie? Well, what have you got? I have a set of jacks, a paddleball and this taffy with superglue.

I'm 2 years younger than you! I hate you! Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me?

(VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY)

Sorry. Fat wife coming through. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Fat wife. Oh, hold on a sec. All right, bring her through. Peter, stop it. For God's sake, you're embarrassing me. Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates.

God, he's right. I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark. Rupert, I've been all talk. So much time wasted. Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman. I'll do to her what douche bags did to the guitar.

It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy.

But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... Oh, crap!

Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Look, sir, droids. Look, a penny. Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Attention, world leaders.

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well.

You had your chance. I mean, I thought you were my soul train, but you didn't want me. Soul mate. Soul food?

There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.

PETER: Goodnight, honey.

So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler... Where the hell is the remote?

You really think that, don't you?

(PLAYING SOOTHING TUNE)

Yeah. No, no, no, I don't think so.

Peter, that's ridiculous. I love you. Why? Maybe I like fat guys. You do? Maybe I like having sex with fat guys.

but I don't like you in that way. I mean, there are some things that I would do with you, but my heart wouldn't be in it. What are you talking about? That you like me, and you want to be my boyfriend. (LAUGHING) You think I'm gay? Where did you get that? Uh, um... You tried to kiss me.

We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money. Fine, if you feel that strongly, then by all means run.

Peter, could you move your arm, please? Just slide over. Please. Lois. LOIS. God, It's like moving a futon. LOIS! Just slide your leg over! Peter, pleaSE! Ohh! Ohh! Well, Lois, at least one of us is in the Mile-High Club. Ugh.

And I think I just got an idea. A much better idea than when I did magic for the blind. Is this your card?

Lois? Other families fight, too, right? Not this much. Do you think maybe we should think about getting a... It is what it is. Let's just get Stewie to college and go from there.

instigated... Line!

Hey, Meg, you here for the expired hot dogs? No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris. I've looked everywhere and I can't find him. - I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out. - (KNOCKING) Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy.

Brian, pull over there. I'll get us some money. Now wait, so the white ball has to hit one of the stripy balls? Yes! How many times you gonna ask me that? I don't know, I'm just a baby. All right, so I guess I'll go ahead and... What is it you called it? Break. Break. Right, break.

From the look of those toenails, I bet it's that little Lamisil monster.

Chris, if I... Senator, let me finish. My forehead, my rules. Let's go to Los Angeles. Big actor, played the father in That '70s Show, Kurtwood Smith. How's it going, Kurtwood? Good. Thanks for having me. Quagmire, it's so awesome that you could come over after work today.

I say, walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.

But that's only making it worsE! Look, There's a reason I'm in charge here, all right? I'm the one who knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town. And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything! Let's get him! Throw him out!

Mickey McFinnegan, I challenge you to a drinking contest. (ALL GASPING) And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? Because I'm your son and I'm tough. I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious?

Let's hope so. I love being a good father,

I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead!

JEEz. A week at a women's retreat. What the hell am I supposed to learn from that? Well, face it, Peter. Your attitude towards women isn't exactly enlightened. Oh, That's a bad mud puddle. I wouldn't want you to step in that and get your nice shoes all ruined.

Holy crap! (LAUGHING) Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around... 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals

Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator! Hmm. We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!

Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime. Behind the fat chick! No? Ok. I'm tired of being small. I wish I was big.

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe. We're exactly alike, you and I. Now we can be together.

Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance.

Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela."

This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile. (LAUGHING EVILLY) This'll get Chris. Hey, classmates. Griffin, did you gain weight? That's not important.

Whoa! (GROANING) Ooh, that's gotta hurt. (ANNOUNCER LAUGHING) And introducing that joke! Ben-Him and Ben-Her!

Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works. Oh, I like that a lot. All right, mo--Moving on. Hey, What about "tulip"?

Go on.

(CAR SCREECHING TO HALT) (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) Oh, God, that's Daddy. He's home early. Let-Let's get some spices in here and fix this. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) Okay, he's inside the house. Let's hope his meeting went well. MAN: God, that meeting went awful! Oh, boy. MAN: What's that smell? Did you burn dinner, you stupid pig?

know that my heart will always be with you. Now, go! Go on! Get out of here!

Oh, and please do not be suspicious that I am at the airport with no baggage whatsoever. A cool name to say with a French accent is Ashton Kutcher.

Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God! Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God!

Peter, those things are choking up the washing machine. So now I got you a bad washing machine for Christmas. Little tip, Stewie, love dies, and that's okay. I write down all his advice in a little notebook. Yesterday's was, "I've never seen a pigeon die "from eating food on the ground, so what's the big whoop?" Peter, this skydiving thing has gotta stop.

Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God.

It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell. It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma. Come here, babupka. Let me put your fingers in my mouth.

Can't touch me Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time

Oh, Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force!

There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum.

We had the abortion.

You're fired. We're broke, Rupert. I'm jobless, there's no food left,

We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup

Boy, this is fun, eh?

Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

They're T-shirts that say, "I lost my shirt in Lost Wages." (LAUGHING) I think maybe you should keep 'em.

(SCREAMING)

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!

There. But beware, no man has ever returned. Many have gone. All have been lost.

JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted! QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter.

Maybe your family could join us. Okay, that sounds like fun. Oh, my God. Chris is dating a Barrington. Who are the Barringtons? They're the richest family in all of Rhode Island. (GASPS) I must notify Gossip Girl!

(CROWING)

Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces?

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth.

What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer!

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit. - You traitor! - That's a doozy. I bet some of those awful kids at school call you zit-face. - No. - Pop-a-zit. - No. - Puspeak. - No. - Fat ass? - Yeah. - That's terrible.

I only said that last thing 'cause it seemed cool. Oh, my God, that was so awesome. I saw everything. You were all like... (TALKING GIBBERISH) And Briggs was all like... (GIBBERISH) And then you were all like... (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) And then Briggs's legs were like... (WHISTLING) Oh, crap, he's dead. I think he bled out. I must have hit the femoral artery.

You did all this in a day? The matrix formed in a day. The life-forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate. Can I cook or can't I? This doesn't make any sense. If you're so smart, why do you hide it?

Chair. Try again.

Man! Good. Now it's time to go on the balcony and address the people. Ahh! All right, all We've got to do is find the American Embassy and They'll help us get home.

Okay. Here it comes, James. Here comes the part I was telling you about. (MEWS) (EXCLAIMS) You're one of those!

Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's this handshake business, huh? Come here. Come on. Come on, bring it in. Come on. Come on. I'm not really a hug person. Knock it off. Come here. Come on, bring it. Yeah, yeah. Hug it out, bitch. Hug it out, yeah. Spray that hug all over me.

I fell down the stairs. Oh, you should be more careful. All right, I'm ready. Come on, good game. Good game, everybody. Yeah. Come on, good game. Let's get out there. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah. 110%, everybody. 110%. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Good game!

So, um, anybody see any good movies lately? No, not really. No. No. oh. Read any good books? - No. - Uh-uh, No. oh. Anything new with corn?

(SOBBING) Stewie, are we gonna die? Hey, hey. Probably. I don't want to die!

I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me. Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night, Lois was the man! Good Lord! I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.

O'er Lullaby Bay (HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake.

You said it! Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her... ...and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis. Lois, what you reading? The Red Badge of Courage.

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but... Wait a minute. I love saying I told you so! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, Stewie Griffin, meet Stewie Griffin. Nice to meet you. Charmed, I'm sure. Great outfit. Go on. No, it is. So what if there's a new dog? Lots of families have two dogs.

Blast! This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature. Ok. Our next lot is number 15 in your program. This is a one-of-a-kind item. A super mega-death ray. It's got the power to enslave the entire human race. Do We have an opening bid?

Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop. Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop! I need a plastic bag. Here's a thin napkin.

Oh, my God, this plane is awesome, Quagmire. Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous. Boy, this is nice.

You know, Brian. I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap. Like this movie, Stimy Gruffin, The Untold Story. It's not a movie at all, Brian. Just three episodes, back to back.

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers?

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Dick Marx.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler!

All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy. We must kung fu fight! So be it, A.N.N.A.

Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons. A stunning development tonight as O.J. Simpson is proven innocent. We have the identity of the real killer. But first... It's fall. The time of year when the leaves turn that pretty, purply orange and Quahog prepares for its annual Harvest Festival Parade.

Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me! Yeah, but I got you good, Lois.

It's a snow job By Obama and his crew But aren't all his findings Backed by science? Careful, Lois, now you're sounding like a Jew We dream of Republicantown

That was Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson. One of the worst I've ever heard. Okay. Stewie, you shouldn't actually even be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face. All right. Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.

And here we thought the weed was inspiring us. Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad. But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC, a mild form of acid,

Either have the baby or don't.

Hello? Hey, Big Fat Paulie! No, Lois isn't dead yet. What do you mean, you're gonna fire that hitman? What do you mean, you thought she'd be 6-feet under by now and we'd be able to catch a movie? What d'ya--

Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal. Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on.

We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky?

Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost. Thank you. Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school. I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello. You and I are going on a date Saturday night.

Okay, welcome to the PTA meeting.

Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Nino! (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)

says the funniest person in the room. Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out. Really? I thought he hated you. How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card. He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend. But instead, you're going to show up.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes. You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really a crank call. That was...

Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one. Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel. Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? Yeah. Welcome to hell.

You. Me. Sex.

So, where are you from, Peter? I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island. LOIS: (WHOOPS) Quahog!

That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point.

CleaR! Clear! Oh. You saved my life, DoctoR! Clear!

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

(WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

Peter, What is the Pope doing here? Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy. You kidnapped the Pope? peter, This is the most reckless thing you've ever done! Come on, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?

And the voice of the plane is David Spade. What? I would never work with David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken shit! Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.

What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible!

(SCREAMING) (PANTING)

(SHOUTING) All right, Your Majesty. If you want to leave with your pal in one piece, I suggest you throw down your weapons! Ah! Go ahead and kill him, Griffin! You kill him and I'll kill her! Go ahead! You kill her, I'll kill him! Go ahead. You kill him, I'll kill her! Knock yourself out. You kill her, I'll kill him. (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) This is me laughing. You kill him, I'll kill her! (LAUGHS) This is me before Ultra Slim-Fast. You kill her, I'll kill him!

Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

But what manner of friend is man? I would like to cite the case of Plessy v. Ferguson... Wait a minute. Why are we listening to a dog? Take him away! But--but Does not every dog have his day? Wait! Please! I gotta say something! Look, all Brian's ever wanted is the same respect he gives us. That and Snausages.

You know what? I will have some of that. - What the hell is this? - Creamed corn. I brought it from home, because I don't like the creamed corn they have here. It's too crunchy.

When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind,

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (APPLAUDING)

Chris! HeY, you guys made it! Of course. We wouldn't miss your big day. Wait a second. I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos! Lois, you lied to me! Is Dad mad at me? Oh, He just doesn't understand.

I think maybe it's just time for me to give up. Come on, Brian. You can't give up. Everything could change in a moment. That's what happened with the Kennedy assassination. I'm sorry, gentlemen. Despite our best efforts, the Texas School Book Depository Awareness Council has failed in its mission to generate public awareness of the Texas School Book Depository. So at the end of the day,

G-27.

Can I hug you? (LAUGHING) Of course you can, Ziggy! Because even though they're not visible yet, you already have tiny arms. Arms that will one day work, play, and fold in prayer. (CHEERING) But... Uh-oh. What's this? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Well, he's gone,

Oh, my God. You're right. I married this 11-year-old girl for all the wrong reasons. I'm sorry, Loka. I guess I just came here because I was afraid of being a freshman. Freshman? Freshman!

And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you! Well... Well, I hate you, too!

Mmm. You know, just the usual stuff. Wait a minute. All that running water. That's gotta be it! Mmm-hmm. Brian, tell me about Lois. Lois. Well, she's a fantastic woman.

They didn't care about you. Why should you care about them? The thing is, you guys committed a crime. And I've still got the evidence to prove it. Too bad I lost it. AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.

It's about damn time! No words... sh-Should have sent a poet. There's enough food to last us forever! Peter, we're saved! You were right.

Wait, Peter! Don't go! So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy? We going to Hollywood? You betcha.

I did it, Brian! Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk. I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive. Yeah. How did you do that? I watched In The Cut. Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks.

My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey. What is it, Lois? I--I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone. But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class. Advanced class? No, no, no, no, No. I'm trying to quit. Well, Fine, quit.

(DOORBELL DINGING) Pizza for Adam West. No! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon! This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat-launcher.

I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe. Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away. Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

And that includes you. Understood?

It's all right. Oh, no. Well, I guess accidents happen when you least expect them. That's how come they call them accidents. Oh, look, you got the community events corkboard wedged in your grill. There, that's better. Don't you all forget to sign up for the Quahog Community Talent Show.

You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her!

Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions,

Carter, you found a cure for cancer? Well, I didn't come up with it. A couple of eggheads I hired did. One of them's a Chinese. Boy, I don't like those people. But holy crap, wind them up and watch them go.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, that's a very smart joke. Isn't that right, comedy professors? (MURMURING IN AGREEMENT) PROFESSORS: Well done. Indeed. Now, what do you want? I want to marry your daughter, and I'm here to ask for your blessing. What could you possibly have to offer my daughter? Well, I'm one of the few guys in this town who isn't dying a slow, painful diarrhea death.

The spirit of the red, white and blue The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

(LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland. (LAUGHING) (GROANS)

Did you see the mob? Did I see the mob? Why else am I here?

(GASPS) Oh, my God, Peter, your Visa bill is $16,000!

This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room. Just waiting for my breakfast... Lois!

MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer?

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man.

You can't tell me what to do. Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can.

(SCREAMS) It's okay. It's just us. Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us. Have you seen any sign of Muriel? Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country.

Uh, uh, You mean like ha-ha, Jerry Seinfeld funny or Elayne Boosler, "God Bless her, she's trying" funny? Racers, on your mark! Go get 'em, JoE! Get set!

(WIND HOWLING) Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours.

A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party.

I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out. What's in there? It feels cold. That place is strong with the dark side.

(GROWLING) He doesn't like you. Sorry. I don't like you either. You don't even know me. You know what? That's fair. I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott.

Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now. don't you?

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble.

which means that Miss Stephanie Griffin is our new Little Miss Texas! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, I never expected this! Oh, I'm so, so honored! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl!

FaT.

What?

Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened. As soon as that guy shows up any place, it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth. (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home.

I've seen enough. I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day! Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock! Excuse me, Lord Griffin. Your family is going back tO quahog.

Everyone, I have something to say. I've given this long and careful thought, and I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them. - You what? - That's right, and I want your blessing, Peter. You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get. You can't have their baby! Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant.

Afternoon, Officer. OFFICER: Any idea how fast you were going? CLEVELAND: No, sir. OFFICER: You getting smart with me, boy? Where'd you get them wheels? CLEVELAND: Come on, man. OFFICER: Step out of the car. CLEVELAND: But I ain't done nothing. OFFICER: Hands behind your back. CLEVELAND: Hey, easy, watch it! (SCUFFLING) OFFICER: Come on. Don't you fight me, boy! Get down on the ground! CLEVELAND: Come on! No! OFFICER: Hey! Get back here!

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep.

Well, the fact of the matter is, I have wronged each and every one of you in some way. And, since I am a man of God now, I am truly repentant. So, I invited you all here to make amends. And why the hell should we trust you? Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you? One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina

And now I think your parents have something to say. Chris, you don't really believe all the things in those song lyrics, do you? No. Then why you been acting like such a punk? I guess I don't really know. I think I have an idea. Peter, when was the last time you and Chris here did something together? Boy, I guess it's been a while. Here's something you might not know.

See, it happened like this. Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler!

Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience. Oh, Thank GoD! OH, Yeah, thank God. thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself! So, when am I gonna diE? About 2 years after your wife divorces you.

Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage? Go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table, talking about how much we both like Total? Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too. Oh, God! It's starting already! Lois, we are screwed.

Am I a blue state or a red state hobo? Blue, but Midwestern blue. Oh, boy. (GRUMBLING) It's cold out there. Am I allowed to alter the mustache? Dude, why do you keep trying to make Hitler work? Am I allowed to kill other hobos to increase my odds? Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo. Am I a walking hobo? No.

(ALARM WAILING) (MAN SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Well, it sounds like I'm needed outside. Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today?

(LAUGHING) (LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch?

(ALL EXCLAIMING) (TWINS GASPING)

I don't want to go home! Take me to Astro's grave!

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson!

Go on. That's iT.

Supervisor? Yeah, I promoted him this morning. - Promoted me this morning. - What? Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. Meg, things change.

Oh, that's plenty, thanks. None for me, thanks. My boyfriend just dumped me. There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Thanks! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Brian! You did it! Oh, I say, this is an even bigger accomplishment than getting Minnie Driver's head to fit onscreen.

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it.

Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here. (SCREAMING) Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation. If you freeze up his money, he's not gonna have anything to live on.

Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES)

Ok, ok. I've got it. I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar! That's right. I went there.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home. I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! All right! Heh. You know I spoil you.

I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry.

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea. The Drunken Clam? W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks.

Oh, My God! I did. Oh, We almost missed that one. I know. That was a close one. But I'm being serious here, Peter. We were all set to come see you joust today.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law. My client was injured listening to this audio book. We're suing you for every penny you've got. What? Why? You're liable as publisher. I'm here to seize your assets. Griffin.

Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House.

Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family.

That's it. Ring the bell.

We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl. (PTERODACTYL SCREECHING)

You know who I hate? The troops. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake and the guy wants to know how old Meg is. I didn't know what to tell him. You're asking me? Yeah, how old is Meg? Well, I don't know. Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were the one keeping track of that. No, no, I have no idea. Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday?

You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

(GRUNTING)

Hmm. No takers? Well, fine. I'll go first. Peter, why don't you volunteer? Oh, No, I don't volunteer for anything since I helped those guys repaint the Sistine Chapel.

Wait a minute. Explosives? Is this not improv class? No. Is this improv? Are you doing improv? No. Now get out that door. The real door.

(SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce. I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30. But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room.

You know, huh? Enjoy the fight. Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha! Hmm.

Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close. Yeah, how'd that thing fall over? Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks?

This is the worst use of money since I tricked out my big wheel. Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.

Hmm. Here it is. Oh, my God! Our car! Oh, man. Am I glad I caught you. I almost forgot. Don't start your car. Hey, Thanks for coming. What a horrible night. It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Well, I just realized that my spaceship works better when I have the keys. Duh! MAN ON PA: Imperial troops have entered the base. Imperial troops have... (FEEDBACK) Sorry, I dropped the thing. Imperial troops have entered the base.

perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian, did you see that treadmill - in the living room? Yeah.

- Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

Well, um, if it were you, you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it, 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid, and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback. Jesus, that one was all over the place. I should have been quicker than that. I should've said, "Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend?"

(GROANING) Mom, can I just open my presents now? All right, Meg.

Dad, why can't we all go? Because somebody's got to stay here and round up all these rattlesnakes. (ALL GASP) Bye. Hey, guys. Check it out. What do you think? A private plane? How'd you swing that, Quagmire?

Don't think I won't do it, man. All right, let's all be cool here. No!

But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys! You're no match for the '90s black guys!

Here you go, guys. Lois, could I be a son ofa bitch and impose on you... to sign one of your flyers for me. Of course, Cleveland. Oh, man. I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model. I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island. Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin.

That's what we're doing. Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without T.V. for weeks! Now Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without T.V. Ha. What's that supposed to mean? Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey.

why is the Quahog envelope so light this week? Yeah, I say we go down there and talk to those people in Quahog. No! This is what I'm talking about. Meth has turned us into monsters. Lois, take it easy. No. You know what? This is my own fault for listening to you. I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops. Y-You know, there's a fat drunk guy in there. Ugh! - Hold it! - Freeze! Ahh!

It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with, and your family-- Shh, It's on. I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman.

It's only a matter of time before, uh... Oh, my God! They've opened fire! All right. It looks like things are getting very heated here.

I can live with it. Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

In fact, There's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell. I'll see you there, Diane.

All these landmarks are based on possibly outdated observations. That whole area could be a Walmart by now. If it is, pick yourself up some nice cheap pants, and good life to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Boy, everybody turned out for this thing, huh? Sorry, all the boys can go home.

My pot! My pot! Your pot? Your pot? And then in Chapter 28 of my novel, the other pilots finally trust the Japanese pilot and let him... Let him into their group. Dude, that is an amazing story.

But I am a boy. DAN: Okay, everybody, we're live in five! You'd better get out there. Four, three, two... Good morning, and welcome to Jolly Farm. Today we're going to learn about the letter "T."

If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep. No, I... Wait. What? You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that.

Well, there you go. Everything's fine. Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake. You're saying all those guys in their powdery wigs and their pilgrim hats and their big gross wives were wrong? Man, they'd have to be stupider than you are when you fart yourself awake. (FARTS) (EXCLAIMS) What the... What... Who's there? What's going on?

Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?

Well, this looks comfortable. (SIGHS) This is gonna be a relaxing weekend. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly.

Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home! Mommy! Thank God you're home! Stewie, my baby!

- That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR?

Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven.

(BARKING)

All right, we'll go get him. But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction - that drastically alters the present. Really? No, you can do whatever you want. Come on.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? PETER: Hello, yes. This is Tom Tucker's personal physician, Dr. T and the Women. Could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready? Is this Peter? No, it's Lois.

Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson. Ok, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?

I'm going to the mall later. Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.

Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing.

I'll watch you with the lights off. (LAUGHING) Like I would dare. You're getting Dan in Real Life? What? I heard it's good. No, I get it. He's resting his head on pancakes. It looks hilarious. The joke, of course, being that one wouldn't generally do that, were there a pillow available.

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

You did? I sure did. Well, then... Hey, what do you say we go home, huh? Sounds good to me. (GASPING)

Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer! Go away!

Okay. And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context. I don't know what that means. It means, if I die, you gotta burn my house down! Oh, sweet! A pool table.

thank you very much. ThAnk you. HA, Thank you. Thank you. Ahem, Thank you.

Well, Lois, I think you did the right thing by trying to inform these kids about safe sex, and if the parents don't like it, that's their loss. That's the problem, though, it isn't their loss, it's the kids' loss. I just hope they're getting the information they need. All right, students, we have a special speaker today who's going to educate you about sex.

Hey, you made it! And you brought a friend. Great. I'm his wife, Lois. We actually met the other day. Oh, sorry, I meet so many people.

I want a brand-new pitching wedge I would like more Lemon Pledge That's all I really want for Christmas this year I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey

Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves. Yeah, you know, they don't seem to pay out on anything. No, not at all, right? Yeah, that's true, they don't pay. Well, then I say, screw the bastards! Let's burn the place down!

I am! I am! (SIGHS) I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Joe, I love you! I love you so much! I love you, too, Bonnie!

All right, if we're going to make it out alive, we gotta stick together from now on. Is everyone here? Wait a minute, wait. Where's Meg? And where's Tom Tucker?

but the choice is yours. If you say "no," I will have you flown back to your family on our private jet.

You wouldn't! You've seen Family Guy!

What?

Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end.

Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

I fell down the stairs.

He's a family guy Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come.

All right, who's next for a flu shot? Oh, that's me. I'm Peter Griffin. Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply. We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here. Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there,

At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome. I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

We should go. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex. Uh, Peter, that wasn't, uh-- You know, for a large, heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass. That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy. What was that? Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.

No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day.

(STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself,

I should have figured you were up to something. Look, Luke, this is all my fault. I was just trying to help my daughter get onto the school newspaper. Come on, You know what it's like to be a teenagER. You've been playing one for 30 yearS. Won't you drop the lawsuit, please, Dylan?

This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this. Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car!

Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back. Ok, here you go, honey. Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all!

All we need is music, sweet music CHORUS SINGERS: Sweet music There'll be music everywhere CHORUS SINGERS: Everywhere They'll be swinging, swaying, records playing Dancing in the street Ohh! It doesn't matter what you wear

And, you know, I'm not talking about purpose in the shallow, Rick Warren, over-the-counter self-help variety because that's just delusion. That's not real. I mean, is there ever a time when we're truly in the present moment and not looking toward the past or the future? I mean right there, in the moment? I get that way when I watch Handy Manny.

What the hell are you doing? Taking down the Christmas decorations.

Okay, guys, I got one.

Oh, my God. Okay. How many ones? I'm not giving you quantities of the numbers,

Hey, maybe we get out of the woods before nightfall, on account of the ghosts and all.

So, Carolyn. Guess you should've hit that when you had the chance, huh, Brian? What? You're the one who told me to wait! You're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland.

You want to know what I think? Well, yeah. You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe.

we even tried the big end-of-the-year high school party that will change everything.

I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just... You complete me, you know that? You just make me want to be a gayer man. Oh! Come here.

it's the loneliest number since the number one You are a filthy whore. Ok, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco? oh, That's gross! Yeah, let's not do this!

To me it just proves that we're truly meant to be together. Oh... I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lois. BOTH: Mmm... By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute,

it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. - Does he have a wife? - Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter? Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter?

(ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties! Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here! They stink of good cheer, Lois!

I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with. Can I have some of your hair? " guess so. Great. Thanks. All right, hold still now. You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss. I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye!

'cause most of them are already dead inside.

"D!"

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey.

Our top story. The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.

They're not going for it, Chewie. Everybody, they're not going for it. This is failing. Luke, take this gun. You shoot me, I'll shoot you. CONTROLLER: (ON RADIO) Shuttle Tyderium, the shield has been deactivated. You are cleared to approach. (CHUCKLES) Well, there you go, gang! False alarm! Oh. (STAMMERING) False alarm?

What the hell is Lois doing with another man? Is it possible she's a whore? Uh, you know, Just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? Uh, You know what? Let's just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.

All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game... in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty.

Wow, it's the Pope! Slothful sinners! You're here to work, not sit around with your... Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father. I am not worthy. Rise, my son. You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Brian. Brian Steel.

Now you and your whore wife get out of here!

Hey, Peter, check out my new trampoline! Whee! YEah! Whoa mama! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Jeez, Cleveland. That must've set you back, huh? Wha--What'd you do? Sell your body to science? 'cause, you know, I thought of doing that. All right. Uh, Jenny, would you come up here and show us where the femur is?

His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff. Oh, my God, not that guy.

Then let's do it. (CHEERING LOUDLY)

Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella?

Wonderful.

Please give me rat poison, I want only to die.

You're getting married? Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico? Hi, is this Room 214? Oh, you must be our new dorm-mate!

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though.

yo, Pops! Let me have some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game grillin' me over my gear. And I needs to be mackin' style!

Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow.

What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more. This van has the latest in law-enforcement technology. Watch.

Oh, my God! What do you think, boys? I'm walking on sunshine Whoa-oh

Bonnie told me Joe is a big baseball fan. He played in college. He did? Welcome to the neighborhood. Hiya, Joe. Peter! Don't get up. This is a surprise. I kinda thought you didn't like me. Oh, What? Because of what I said this afternoon. no, No. See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth.

You can tell him yourself, because Mike is Peter! Oh, my God. Are you serious? That was very good, Peter. I know! (CELL PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) Geez, that's all my life is lately, just a bunch of chores. I'm sick of Lois always making me do stupid stuff. I know what you're saying, Peter. Bonnie's always making me do all these impossible household tasks.

Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"?

(SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Go on.

There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K?

By the way, Bonnie... we just finished reading The Da Vinci Code at my book club. You were right. It's terrific. Let me guess. Some flowery, 300-page, menopausal masturbatory aid. I loved it. And the chapters are only about two pages long. So you feel really smart when you read it.

Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic?

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones.

Are those my books?

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

undefinedHe's right. " enjoy things I remember. Peter, I'm off to my book club. Don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting. Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high? Not anymore. I crashed hours ago. By the way, we're out of chips, cookies, and Funny Bones. Now, I'm going to my book club and you are going to the meeting. Hey, Brian, how about you go to that meeting for me, huh?

(CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug. (CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man.

Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.

It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off. Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here. You know what? Look, Cleveland, look. See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland.

Scissors are jerks. And I'm an owl.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, no! The egg that I was supposed to take care of for my high school project! Mr. Burke was right. I'm not ready to be a parent. Wait a minute. I'm not in high school anymore. Maybe this is all a dream.

Hey, buck up there, sport. At least you gave it your all. I guess you're right. I still feel like crap, though. Well, look at it this way. You may have lost Jillian, but you can at least be happy that she's happy. Plus, you can always call Lauren. - No. I can't. - Why not? She's never gonna speak to me again. I gave her worms.

(ALL GASPING)

You call these bagels?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Man, you guys feel anything yet? (IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny. (IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man.

Shut up! Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, ok?

(SCREAMS) What? What? What is it? Oh, God! Oh, my God! What? Oh, my God! Run! (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, there. Are you Kyle's parents? Yes. Can we help you? Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, apparently your son got into a little scrape with my kid.

(DOOR BELL RINGS) (ALL SHOUTING) Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul. What? You are not performing an exorcism on my baby.

I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman. It's against my religion. Believe me, Neil, it's no thrill for the pig to touch a Jew either.

Peter! Gotcha! (LAUGHING) (BOTH MOANING) I'm going insane, Brian.

Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie. (BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.

You better not. I am. I'm re-jiggering my position right now. Oh, no, you don't! (BOTH GRUNTING) What the hell is going on here? Oh. Hi, Angela, I'm Peter's friend, Glenn Quagmire. Thank you so much for having me in your home. And I would have had sex with you,

Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)

Hey, how you doing? Wow, he must be doing well. Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me. What do you think? I think I'm jealous of Miss "Eats anything she wants and still fits into a size four." I could scratch your eyes out.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries.

I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party. Your what? My bachelor party. What's that? You don't know what a bachelor party is? No! When you got married, didn't you have, like, a bachelor party with all your friends? My what? Oh, my God. Well, we are gonna fix that. Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! Why would you do that? 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help.

Yuck.

CHRIS: Sure! Chris, what are you doing in my room? Nothing. Yes, you were. You were putting something in my drawer.

Mom, where's Dad? Over across the street. He's collecting Cleveland's mail while he's out of town. Black guy mail! Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it. Lois, black people are different than you and I. And me, I find that hilarious.

- Number One. - Yes, Captain. Let me ask you something. Ifl whispered in your ear that Commander Worf's head... looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh? - Yeah, I could get in on that. - All right! Here it comes! Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny!

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny. You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! Sweet dreams, kiddo. You have the power to end this! How'd she take it?

Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise. PETER: Hang on!

Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago. - Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you.

Aah! Peter! HEy, You're the Pawtucket Patriot. Verily. Come hither and give heed. Whoa. I don't swing that way, pal. Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Now we got the waiter involved, right? I love being a part of things. I'll bring your dessert now. Ah. You know, Carolyn, I rarely find myself connecting with another person like I have with you. I'm really enjoying your company. Oh. Me, too, Brian.

Yeah, and it wasn't overly long. Yeah, not overly long. Sorry, sir, there's a weight limit on this coaster. Oh, really, what's the limit? The rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, there's just no way.

Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Wow, Look at all those stars. You know, I've read that starlight gives you cancer. But then again, what doesn't these days, hmm? Listen, kid, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's not easy for me to say. Oh, God! You're not coming out of the closet, are you? Why does everyone always come out to me?

Oh, oh, oh! Well, this is--this is-- this is, oh, oh! Don't even get me started! I--i--i--I mean, really! When I think of--of-- Of--of--of the times that that woman has... Oh, I won't even begin to--to--to--to-- - Can we go? - Fine. Peter, guess what I just got? A relationship video.

So, what, You're saying the only way to make the world right is for me to kill someonE? I know. WhY don't you kill Lois? No. One death isn't gonna do it. You're gonna have to do something that will get everyone's attention, something huge. How about if you blow up the earTH? Too huge. But you're thinking. I like that. You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. WEll, That would just leave England.

And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag. Thanks. And keep in mind, we can't use any actual brand names due to advertising concerns. Right, okay, I'll have a Mr. Whip-o Bar, a Kooky Nut Pop, some Jim 'n M's, a Zip Zap, a Choco Buddy, a $64,000 Bar,

What do we do?

Brian, what the hell?

He's a family guy Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home? About an hour ago. This party sucks.

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize somebody was in here... What the hell? Oh, hello, Brian. Oh, there's your friend, Brian. Hey, Brian. I sure did enjoy talking to you the other day. I'm just making sure Stewie is nice and clean for his trip to the playground this afternoon.

Oh, my. What a lovely room. Oh, And it's so clean.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

This is taking forever! Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast Animals, Slow Children.

Fred Savage! Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy. Yeah, but that should have been our time slot. Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal. I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter. Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway? Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over.

CHORUS SINGERS: Sweet music There'll be music everywhere CHORUS SINGERS: Everywhere They'll be swinging, swaying, records playing Dancing in the street Ohh! It doesn't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there

All right, Dad! Go, Peter! Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

You just got to do something simple, like Vincent van Gogh. It's.... What is this? It's my ear. Do you like it? You don't like it. No, I like it. But it's just.... Why your ear?

Peter, we've been over this. Honey, you won't have to lift a finger. I got us a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass pinata, the works! You got all those things? You bet I did. Wow. Even Cheesie Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo. Ok, I'll call the parents and let them know the party's here.

Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this.

Yeah? Make mE! I don't make monkeys, I train them. Ugh. Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard! What the hell is going on out herE?

Aah! Hey, You must be Lois. No, No, not silicone.

Uh, I'm sorry I missed you, uh-- Peter, Play with this. Look Sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again, and down here in small print it says, "He's signing it. He's signing it. "I can't believe it."

So, Olivia. Beautiful day. You're not gonna fart again, are you?

There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert.

Didn't work.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny.

All right. Let's do this!

(SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir?

I know. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like. My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty. Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76. Let's burn this chick at the stake. I love steak! Other girls don't. I'm actually more like a dude. Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in.

Yeah! Go, white girl! Hey, yo, you're getting your grinder on my grinder! And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin!

Hey, Brian, what do you think is gonna... What was that? You were praying. Come on. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. You were praying. I saw! No, man. It was a joke. - You were praying! - It was a goof! I was goofing on you! You're disingenuous.

Uh, One, please. Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no, No! Nothing about this adds up at all! Ok, look. Dad is really easy.

We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.

Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?

Let me show you how the gun works.

(GASPS) A-ha! Daddy! Just as I thought! Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. Daddy, you're the embarrassment. Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run!

I know what you're thinkiNG. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your party to leave. You've caused nothing but trouble since you got here!

We'll move to England. Huh? The worst they got there is, uh, you know, drive-by arguments. I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the united European Commonwealth? Why, yes. I dare say, that's the fellow. Oh, Let's get him. Oh, Reginald!

Boys, I'm a miracle worker.

I'm his wife, Lois. We actually met the other day. Oh, sorry, I meet so many people. But there's really no way you could know that. Yeah, she's a housewife, she don't know. Whatever.

All right, chick batter! Everyone bring it in! Bring it on in! Get a hit, babe! You know it, babe. All right, move it back! Move it back!

PiT. Come on. It's my first day.

would like to plow you. I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know...

black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story.

Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed. Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it. Oh. Well, that's kind of weird. Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.

Oh, Lois, thank God it's you! The last 3 houses I went to were very rude.

I know what you mean, Dad. I'm so hungry I could eat this dead camper. Holy crap! Well, we clearly don't have all the evidence yet,

Meg, sweetheart what's wrong? My life. That's what's wrong. I was totally humiliated at school today. Ok, we're gonna do a little informal survey here, kids.

Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check.

Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running. Okay, James, you ready? Now catch it in your mouth like Brian. undefinedJames, you got to bite down. " got a question, Peter.

That's it? That was sex? What a rip-off. I should sue her.

All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING)

But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it.

Hey, look at this. "Kent is so incredibly sexy. "He said hi to me today, and I almost died. "Also, I learned a funny lesson today in my pursuit of Kent, "anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL." BOTH: Oh! Oh! Oh! No, no, no, come on, now, come on.

I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!

starring a guy in a turtleneck. (BOTH PANTING) We've gone far enough. I think we're safe from The Corporation here. Adzin, look!

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet!" (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) It's him!

Ding.

Parker Lewis can't lose. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that. Suck on that? Suck on this.

(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok! (GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck!

He was stabbed in a card fight. It was a simpler time. It was a better time. Well, no matter what happens to us, I just hope Meg's okay.

It's just my Noodle Caboodle. I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust, though. Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace, and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you. I-It's just Noodle Caboodle. Hey, what are these hard things?

Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You think I care about you? I don't. Yes, you do. I know you do. I don't really care. No, you're just smart enough and you're just clever enough to occasionally amuse me.

Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck. Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face!

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin.

All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl!

What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.

Very well, Peter. You leave us no choice. Men, form up Crippletron!

No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later. I love you, Lois. I love you, too, Peter. What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going? Listen, these new legs have given me my life back. I want to do all the things I could never do when I was handicapped. And you guys are my best friends. I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe. Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away.

The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory,

To the pancake house! Hya!

Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too!

Dad, what's the blowhole foR? I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

Are you trying out for flag girl?

Hmm. I've never executed a diaper change before.

And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you! Aw, jEEz. Mine doesn't look anything like his. Ah, The hell with iT!

I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey.

Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee! You know you made me love you I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on! I did a dog once, but I was in the Philippines, and I sure as hell didn't write him a letter. What? So what does that prove? The victim had access to all the office-of-the-mayor stationery he could ever want, yet he hand-made a letterhead on stationery from a Marriott? As far as I'm concerned, that casts doubt.

Replace him! Faster! So, what exactly would you say qualifies you to work as a sumo wrestler? Oh, are you kiddin'? I'm a born athlete, just like Greg Louganis. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

That is the smell of backed up, unreleased genital essence. As I said, he's been an amazing gentleman. Ugh! I hate wet-dog smell. Me, too. Yeah, we're a cat family ourselves. You wanna see some photos, Brian? We've got two Persians and a tabby.

Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. (GASPS) But then why should you remember? There were so many of us. But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

(EXPLODING) (SIGHING) Oh, Rupert! Thank God you're alive!

Well, I was wondering if I could put a little saddle on your back and ride you like a horsy. Oh, Ok--ok. No, i--I understand. It's too much. It's ok. y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says-- Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya!

The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

That's none of your concern. You gotta take care of the offspring. Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down to St. Louis on Mississippi. This glen's gonna be tough to traverse. And that river's gotta be 50, 60 meters wide, and God knows how many fathoms. To hell with parliamentary procedure. We've got to wrangle up some cattles.

Hey, Lois. Hi, Glenn. We just thought we'd come by and see how Peter was doing. Yeah, has he gotten any better? I'm afraid not. He's still only speaking gibberish. Yeah, and we could live without the semen throwing, I'll tell you that.

I understand. Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see. Let me ask you a question. You ever sit on your arm till it falls asleep and then play with yourself and pretend like somebody else is doing it? Honestly, yes. Not anymore you don't, 'cause you're going out with my daughter.

They should've put that on before CHiPs. The marketing practically writes itself. Let's go, Chris, your dinner isn't gonna catch itself. I don't want to go. I had a bad experience with a fish once.

Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night? All right, tonight's selection, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Now let's all sit down and take our headache. Or we could watch The Cove.

No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People.

Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL.

Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago?

Penny, you stay here with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you. Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills. He won't respond to you. Oh, yeah? hey, Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr. Come on. Come to Peter. Over here, Junior. - Come on! - Come to daddy. Come on, Cleveland Jr. Come to Peter.

I want you two to do it right in front of me, and I'm gonna throw 40 bucks on your sweaty bodies when you're done. Let's see the money.

He was all coked up and we were choked up But now we're happy Brian's home, Cha-cha-cha! I am serious, Lois. You could be in show business! Hey, Meg. 18 yet? No. Hey, Chris, how are you? Well, I'm glad I--

Well, Hey there, little boy. Are you loST? Now, listen to me, Jolene. I've got an army to raise, and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles. Henry, I have a lost little boy. Well, Hey there, little fella.

COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg?

And I can tell you're not about to fall For any of my lies I see the want to in your eyes

(JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much! (SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt.

The shield is down. Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor. The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode. (DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.

Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him. So, you feel better, Meg? All better, Mom. I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made.

Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help! All right, who wants to be next? You? You? Brian! BRian!

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible. What do you mean? Well, you've seen our secret island.

You ever notice how in every photo of P. Diddy, his mouth is hanging open? Well, actually, Diddy hired a guy to close his mouth for him. I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic. (NORMAL VOICE) Good morning, Lois! How's it going, Brian?

Gentlemen, take your marks. (GUNSHOT) I'm a different kind of winner.

Oh, Sonny, those were crazy times. My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other wet willies and funny arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt. Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was! But, back then, we were called "pole fancies." It was real good, old-fashioned,

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)

Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane. Oh, that's just great, Lois. Thanks to you, I missed a moment of television history. Well, now you know how George W. Bush felt when he showed up in Vietnam.

Oh, I'm so thirsty. Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water. (BRIAN SLURPING) STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on.

Uh, Excuse me. Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella? I'm saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line! We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, Mister.

Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

There you go! (HEARTY LAUGH) Look at that! What is... Whoa! Solar eclipse. Blocking the sun. Do not look directly at it. (LAUGHS) What the hell? What're you doin'? I'm just making a comment. Need to know summat. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?

I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways. Your number one, dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson. All right, tooth whore, do your worst.

Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible! Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready.

I like everything, including ginger ale.

Joe! Joey, Joey, Joey, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe! (INHALES)

(CHORTLES) Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined.

(EXPLOSION)

No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us! We're finished. We're never gonna get home.

And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for 2 weeks. I have not, Lois.

This Christmas rocks! Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom? Aw, It's ok, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, Honey, you got a little something-- You got a little, uh, I'll get it. Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Hi, Mr. Griffin. How's it going, man? Chris, Stewie! Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter. Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste!

Peter, we waited up all night. Where were you? Wh-Where was I? Wh-Where were you? Out drinking. But I was back by 2:00. Oh, No! Our top story. The Clams Head Pub has burned to the ground.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no! oh, That was Brian's favorite commercial. "Brian"? "Brian"? No, it's not ringing a bell. Stop it! We all miss him. Go find him, apologize, and bring him home. You heard him. He doesn't want to be a part of this family. We don't need him. We'll get another pet.

Yeah, that looks pretty expensive. Well, don't tell anybody, Brian, but I was a little naughty. (CHUCKLING) I may have dipped into the tax surplus. Wait a minute. You used taxpayer money to buy yourself a handbag? It's no big deal, Brian. Besides, there was a lot left over after the lake clean-up, and I figured maybe I earned a little treat, huh?

All right, one, two, three, go!

Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it. (SIGHING) All right. Genital warts.

Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. Now, look, Brian, there's a difference between being concerned and being overprotective. Now that's a dad talking. That is a dad talking, Quagmire. You're right. You can't hold your kids back.

Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ! Excellent, excellent!

Shit. Hey, there. How you doing? Who are you? I'm Santa. You're Santa? Do you have my new cell phone? Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa?

I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer.

I've missed too many other opportunities.

Excellent, excellent!

Now, I think you have an apology to make. Hey. You look like you could use a pal. Oh. Hi, Peter.

Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO.

Oh, you're alive. I guess you are gonna need that college fund. Chris, do Daddy a favor. In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel. Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him. So, you feel better, Meg? All better, Mom. I was made well by the hand of God.

He doesn't remember us. It's an opportunity to come up with our own names. I'm Tomax and this is Xamot. We're twins who can feel each other's pain. Ow! No, Brian, I'm supposed to say, "Ow!" You ruin everything! Ow.

And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. Brian and Jinx are friends. Get that out of here.

But... But I... I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'll go.

Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew!

Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say--Say "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie." Ha! Don't forget the taint.

Hey, Stewie, there's something thunking around in the trunk of my car... and I can't get in there 'cause somebody busted the lock.

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes.

And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby. Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are.

All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint. Joe, shh! Peter's about to start. We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members,

Bum, bum, bum

...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled! Oh, my God!

We're all gonna miss you, Dad! More than you know!

Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape, but in his defense, "Not a minor."

Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois.

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.

To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

Oh, God! Your dad was cock of the walk, Glenn. Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt. Your dad once drank me under the table. If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your dad. Your dad had the best penis in the military. Okay, just stop, stop! Everybody, stop! Dad, are you gay?

Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you?

Donna? It's Grant, your new husband. Hi, honey. I've got great news. What is it? First, where do we keep the good scotch? At your brother's house. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (PETER LAUGHING) I got an audition for the hottest new play in town. This could really make my career and we can finally start our family. What's it called?

Well, if you're not Jesus Christ, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs. Don't! You are Jesus. Yes. I am.

That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up.

That's only four.

Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris? God, it is peaceful. No question, Dad. Just be careful, 'cause they got a lot of big old wilderness bugs out here. Oh, hey, y'all best be careful or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger. Oh, no! But then I's gonna die if I sting you.

(GASPS) (LAUGHING)

- Don't know any better. - Bless your heart. Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded. You're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs.

Unless you 're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to f ha ve James Woods Someone to strive for Do or die for You ha ve James Woods

I don't know what we're afraid of Nothing would change if we made love So I'll be your friend

(GRUNTS)

- Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter?

Okay, all right, this is gonna sound really weird. This is gonna sound really weird, but I really want you to do it, okay?

Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

All right. You ready to go home now? Are you kidding? This is amazing. Can we see more universes? Hmm. Well, I haven't tried yet, but I don't see why not.

Hi, guys. Hi, Jillian. Oh, hey, Jillian.

Y-You see, Doc, my back tooth is killin' me. ahh!

What the hell? I killed you! I choke myself every day, you bastard.

Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream.

They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin, but I can't baptize little Stewie today. It turns out our last shipment of holy water is tainted. Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen? (TOILET FLUSHING)

That was amazing. I've never seen a bad show at the Marriott. Oh, my God! They're all falling for this insanity. I'm sensing a black guy over here. Is there a black guy? Me! I'm a black guy. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Yes, good, good. I'm sensing your infant daughter has earrings. He's right. She does.

(GASPS) James Woods! (SNARLS) Thank you for joining me at my humble manor. I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla. Nice to meet you all.

Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous. Boy, this is nice. I wonder what the inflight movie is? Joe, it's a private plane. There is no inflight movie.

El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company? Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children! Well, What do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy.

This was such a great idea for a weekend activity. Well, I thought it'd be good to get out of the house. I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard. Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.

Hi, Brian. I'm Cathy from the book society. So glad you could come. Hi there. I... You know, I wasn't sure I had the right address.

but I ain't going out there with all them monsters out there! (SOBBING) Daddy, what happened to you? I can't live without the country club. You did this, Peter! This is all your fault! I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years. It's choppier, it's more texturized.

Why are we dragging this out? It's 6:30. Go ahead, Peter. Go on! Be with your own kind! We're all gonna miss you, Dad! More than you know!

Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation? Well, I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular. He sure did. Who needs drugs when you can go to the dance with the coolest guy in School?

(SIGHS) All right, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven.

Ahhh! (RETCHING)

Denise, wait... Hey! Oh, my God! Two nights in a row! Oh, hi, Bettina. Thanks for the sex last night. But, just so you know, you didn't really get in.

Oh, You truly are beautiful. You know that? Oh, Janet, our future is so bright. Cookie? Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing and Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and... What are you doing?

because America loves hot, white jailbait ass. Wait a minute. That's the smartest thing I've ever heard... anyone say about anything. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way. Shut up. Mom, it's not your decision. I want to be exploited. Meg, don't you talk to me like that.

Oh! Oh, God! I just threw up in his lung! Look, I know it's gross, but when y-you're desperate and you're staring death in the face, you have no other choice but to-- Oh, There's a Comfort Inn. Really? Yeah. Good luck for us, huh? You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy.

(GASPS) Peter, what was that?

Way to go, Joe! Yeah! How do you like that, buddy? A sphincter says what. What? You stupid bastard. Oh, Good to see your new fiscal responsibilities haven't interfered with your reading.

Lois, you're not gonna believe this! Meg just said "Da-Da!" Her first words? Then she stood up by herself and started walking! Her first steps? Yeah.

I went to Catholic school.

All right. (SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three.

Big deal. You always told me I was a douche. Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again. Hi, I'm looking for Glenn? Oh! What happened to your leg? (CRYING) Damn it, Brian! Come back home, Brian.

Leave fart in closed car like a dick. BRIAN: Sorry about that!

I mean, I am in love. That's it. I am in love. I finally understand those songs on the radio. What did you think f would do at this moment

I'm sorry I pulled y'alls legs. I'm just a little excited 'cause I met somebody today. Someone in the bookstore. Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do. Oh, and the adventure begins again. Excuse me, Principal Shepherd, there's something I'd like to discuss. The school has gone too far with these budget cuts.

(Lois) Peter, I can't keep sneakin' around with you like this.

Oh, what is it? "Faster Than the Speed of Love." (LAUGHING) That is the worst title I've ever heard.

and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this? Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Oh! God. I miss Peter so much. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here. I miss Dad, too, Mom. But we'll manage somehow. We're still a family, right? Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family.

this couple is attacked by a... A...

Peter, when was the last time you and Chris here did something together? Boy, I guess it's been a while. Here's something you might not know. Children crave structure.

And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)

It's dead.

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!

a retarded guy could never have this much fun. What'd you just say? What? Technically, I'm retarded.

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

I'm so happy. But she has a penis. Well, We'll have to do something about that. Peter, no! It's a boy! Well, How do you like that?

(GASPS) (GASPS)

My name is Chris, and I like candy and jumping and colorful birds. Wow! What else do I like? You like the pop singing of today. (POP MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING IN GERMAN)

Now, no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into, or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose, I want you to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and float towards the pie. Doesn't seem too hard. All right, go stand over there.

- Well, that's kind of weird. - Why? Well, I mean, you'd either say, "You made porn," or "You made a porno." You don't say, "Made a porn." It just... It hits the ear wrong. Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?

I'll be very vulnerable to predators.

Merry Christmas, everybody. As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce, I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree.

Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

Like that waiter at that restaurant. And who had the prime rib? I hardly think that's any of your business. Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day. You gotta call Dad and get back together with... (SCREAMS) Holy crap! We'll have more on these new developments after this.

It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes.

oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs.

The Libyans? The French? Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig.

Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you. Let us "Eh." "Eh." Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this. Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today.

- You need anything from the market? - PowerBar!

Whoa, whoa, Hold on a second. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Well Sure I do! Opera's bitchin'!

And one guy had an umbrella.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so. Do you? Oh, No, I just always feel badly when we have to be strict. Oh, Did I remember to turn the stove off? Yes.

"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow.

I suppose I'm not either. I guess none of us are perfect. Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J.

"And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up "and put myself in the garbage."

We now go live to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa with more. Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin!

Mmm-hmm. Look, Look, I love Lois, but I'm not in love with her. Mmm-hmm. Who are you trying to convince, Brian? Me or you? Oh. Brian, Brian, what a mess. Don't get antsy. I got 3 minutes left.

Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.

I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent. Come on. Think harder. There's gotta be something you can do. That's amazing! Oh, Thanks. I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school.

Whoa!

I really like the finish on this Shiraz...

I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey.

Well, I guess we're never gonna find the source of that joke. I guess there's nothing to do now but head back home. Stop right where you are! (ALL GASP) Down on the ground! PETER: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over.

Brian, this feels weird.

Oh, dear!

Attention, world leaders. I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe. The world is now under my control! But oh, no! I'm naked!

My God. That's the mayor's mansion. Thank God he's finally gone. Here's your drugs, Peter. We now return to Bottom Chef. Daniel L., please pack your fudge and go. Fine! TOM: We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news.

Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

Never gonna give

I can't believe Carter would sacrifice millions of lives just to protect corporate profits. Well, don't be too upset. Old Stewie here snagged a little souvenir on his way out. Oh, my God, Stewie. You got the cancer cure. How'd you manage to steal it? It was easy. I just took it while you guys were yammering on. I swear, I felt like I was waiting for Lois to get off the phone.

Men, form up Crippletron!

There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator! Hmm. We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!

(SCREAMING)

I'm gonna kill Quagmire! Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag. Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down. - Uh, Peter, I'm not sure that that's-- - Not now, Lois! Ok, c-c... Ok, Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax. Relax, relax. There you go.

Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. I could buy that. That sounds like something he'd do.

You know, I never seen a hat like that before, so I'm very scared of it. No, this is just a taqiyah. It's a traditional Muslim prayer cap. Oh. Hey, you know who'd look funny wearing one of those? - The Monopoly guy. - (LAUGHS) Correct. Go directly to jail and convert to Islam. (LAUGHS) 'Cause they do that.

Hey, there you are. Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden? Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes.

Chris? Meg?

I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television. I'm telling you, it's great, Bill. The only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here.

All right, all right. What's wrong with Stewie? I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter. That's what I just said. I said that.

And what's that little rubber mailman you got behind there?

Bye, Mom. Sheesh. What a week that was, eh? Ok, come on, let's watch the Gumbels. Peter, I thought we agreed, no T.V. until his homework is done. Mom, I'll do it after-- Um, uh, Chris finished his homework.

Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy,

Don't you understand? I lost the perp! I lost the perp! oh!

I'm gonna become a model. Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick.

But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity,

Come on, Peter. Billy's our guest. (SIGHS) All right, we'll watch The Cove. (MEN SHOUTING) Oh, my God! I don't want to see this! I know you can't tell this, but the one who's about to get her throat cut, she's sorta hot.

(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner. This was a great idea, Peter. We fly this thing over Providence,

I'm really looking forward to the movie tonight. Peter and I are going to see Zapped. I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him, and no one would be gay. Lois, we got the rest of our lives for me to not hear a word you just said, but tonight, I got plans with Cleveland. But we had a date. I would eat your poo.

Um, On Sundays we generally catch the early-bird special here at The Lobster Shanty. Uh, Fresh seafood, good prices. Plus, it's a shanty. And you get to pick your own lobster.

Yeah, well, I might have dialed yours back a little more than I ought to have.

What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS) So you're sure you don't need any house repairs, Mrs. Griffin? No, thanks, Rick. Ever since Peter left, our house hasn't been getting destroyed by shenanigans on a weekly basis.

Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter?

Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities, I'm going to kill you, anyway. No, please. Don't! How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No!

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

(GROWLS) Holy shit!

We are trying, Senor Griffin. But the land, she gives us nothing. There is no sunlight. It's been two months, Armando. You're putting me in a real awkward position here. Oh, please, Senor Griffin. Just one more week.

It was back when they were like, "Drown all the girls," and then they were like, "Don't drown all the girls," but she was born on a drowning week, so, you know.

John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John?

How'd you pay for all this? I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.

(STUTTERING) Well, I mean, sometimes, I mean, we sleep... We... We... We go to different... We go to bed at different times. We've both been so busy it's been ridiculous. I thought she was taking a class or something. Oh, man! That sucks because I'm so horny. Damn it! Oh... I wanted to do sex to her tonight. Well, then I guess we've got to go get her.

I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor. Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman. Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam! Unless I'm confusing you with someone else.

Or a bag of rocks with a bow tie. That sounds incredible. We got to go. Yeah, will you take us, Quagmire? Please? All right, let's do it! But I don't want to get any crap from your wives about me taking you to a strip joint. So you guys are gonna have to lie about where we're going. - Okay, sure. - Yeah, no problem. I'm a great liar.

Oh, hi, Peter. Are you here to bring back the TV set? No, I sold it for crack. But listen, Mom, I got to ask you something. Who's my real father? I knew this day would come. All right, Peter, here it is.

Yeah, Brian, no one cares what you think.

Have some fun. Real fun. Not like 37-year-old-woman- on-a-blind-date fun. (CHUCKLING) This is fun, right? We're having fun. I mean, so what if you forgot your wallet? I'll pay. I'm gonna pay for us. You'll get it next time. Yeah! So, you were in prison, right? Killed a man? I'm sure it was in self-defense.

Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories! Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!

On the scale of our 1981 failed Czechoslovakian occupation outpost, which was penetrated by Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, and their ragtag band of misfit soldiers who didn't even graduate! They slept through the graduation ceremony and somehow managed to come out of the manhole wearing clean, pressed suit, as you say.

When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial.

Shh-shh-shh. The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah! Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

Oh, no! Patch of sand. (EXCLAIMING)

Ah, This is it, pal. We're goners. Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship. Me, too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway... Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger. My pleasure.

(SPITS) I love you. I want to take you away from all this.

Just awful.

Stuff it in the waste tube. (SCREAMING)

PeteR, You can't just print lies about people. Luke Perry has a wife and son. So what? A lot of famous types lead secret lives that we don't even know about. Like Ricky Martin.

Hi, Doctor, it's me, Michael Schiavo. How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable. I hate vegetables.

Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT.

Hey, little man. Tell Chris to open his window? Just around the corner There's a rainbow in the sky So let's have another cup o' coffee And let's have another piece o' pie!

Christobel will look so much better in Interview magazine. Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor!

I'm gonna bE finE. I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about.

Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic

Oh, uh, That laugh's in here, too. See? "Ha ha ha ha ha." Wow, Then it's true. Cool! I get to be black and Irish! Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt! Oh, I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man! Oh, My God! Update! "Exclam"!

Whoa! How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade. Now Help me get my money back.

we shall tell tales of other times we had our fill of bread and wine. God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.

Do you even hear yourself?

What about the boat? Leave it! Hurry, Peter! They're almost here! We're too late! Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game, and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's googatz.

Hands off, fatty! Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer. I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here. Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day. Well, Now I don't know,

I'll be back in a bit. Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

(MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with.

You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine.

Brian, I know this is gonna sound petty in light of the fact that we just actually ate the flesh of another human being,

(PLAYING STAR WARS THEME)

Good morning, everybody. Brian, I have something to say. I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with your age. Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it. Fantastic. And to help us forget about it, family, I'd like to introduce New Brian.

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry. Oh, my God! What is that smell? It's my poop bucket. What the hell?

Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3.

Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive! You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it. Peter, didn't you hear what I said? Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby.

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God!

That's the thing about hunting. You gotta be patient.

So there's really no reason for you to tell me. Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody. Giggity Goo Ga!

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Are you gonna do it? I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I--I need a moment to think. Ok, I'll do it. This just in. Lois Griffin has been named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players.

Hey, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together. Hey, You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you got "fine" written all over you. Hey there. I don't wanna come between you. Or do I?

(CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

Hey, it's me. Knock, knock. So, you got my money? Oh, yeah. I'll pay you soon. Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man.

Well, maybe I will. Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart.

- We have fight. But I pick venue. - Deal. (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird

Oh, This is so awkward. You all know my name, and I've never heard of any of you.

Luke! Han! Leia! Who braided your hair? Did the Ewoks braid your hair? Yeah. So, they use spears with wooden shafts and stone-carved tips, yet they clearly understand the finer points of cosmetology?

Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away!

So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity? Mom, this party sucks. I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old.

Yes! Yes, this is so awesome! Damn it! Oh! That's so cool! That's so cool! Do me next. I'm getting something. I see you in London. I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper!

We should have told somebody, but we were too scared, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me. Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts. When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so. Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up, and eventually it all works out. Meg, this is a list of hats.

Look at that one! Look at that one there! Look at that other one! (SCREAMING) We're gonna get pulverized out here! Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor. That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food? Well, actually, this dinner honors all of you. Where should I begin? You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian, thanks to this beautiful little angel.

Fare thee well, broccoli!

You mean Mamie? Yeah. What if Mamie got cancer? Mamie's not getting cancer! Or how about one of us? What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing. All right, pumpkin. I'll do it.

YOu know, Peter is a good man and a wonderful father. Here it comes. Could-- Could you please find it in your heart to spare him? After all, i-it isn't really his timE. What did you make this cocoa out of, crap? If you want me to make it again, I-- Sorry, Lois. I-it's my fault. I just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap!

- Oh, Quagmire! - Shh! Quagmire! Silence! C'est Quagmire. (CROWD LAUGHING) Quagmire. Ah, Quagmire. Quagmire, don't fall near the mouse trap.

may I present this year's hottest toy, Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style, with his little hat and his Doc Martens.

Don't look directly into it, Lois. The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got? I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light. Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do?

I guess I was just tired of him being your hero. Peter, Joe is a hero. But he's not our hero. You are. Really? Yeah. You're always right there on the couch for us, making us laugh when we're upset. Changing the channel when something boring comes on.

Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh! Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered? Hey, Guido, watch this.

Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

In fact, There's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell. I'll see you there, Diane. Oh, It sounds like the opening ceremonies have begun. There are the paraplegics. Followed by the blind team. Still no sign of the deaf team, I notice.

All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire! Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag. Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down.

Computer, location? 15 millimeters northeast of the duodenum. Very well. Fire phasers! Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter.

Everybody hurts Two, three... Sometimes (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, New Brian, you're next!

So you're saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle 51 years before he was born. Yeah. He's Jesus. He can do anything. And look over herE. That's where the stock market crasheD.

Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart!

Well, was Mayor West the only one with a motive? I mean, there are people who would benefit if he were put away for murder. Political rivals, special interests. I mean, it's possible he could have been framed. (ARGUING) Enough! Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live up to expectations.

Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing. Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Oh! Oh, God. I really hope there's a hungry horse back there. (RINGING) Hello?

I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me! Who was that guy?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, authorities are still searching for the culprits in a series of horrific acts of destruction all across... Scroll down, guys. ...the globe. That could've fit on there. There was a long space at the end of that line. My God, it's you, isn't it?

Bite me, Snoopy.

No! No! No! No!

JOE: He'd met Bonnie. (SCREAMING) Briggs got away, and I've been in this wheelchair ever since.

(LAUGHING)

Listen, I want to double-team you on the phone with my son.

So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister. I say, Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!

Joe? What are you doing here? I'm here with Lois. What are you doing here?

WHoo-oo. whoo-oo. Sucker. Peter, please don't do this. We can buy another car. I'll give extra piano lessons on Sundays. Come on, Lois. All I gotta do is have a spiritual vision. I've had one before.

I think my work will speak for itselF. Oh, ha, ha! I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois. Ok, let's run this scene again. now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna,

Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch. I hate Bewitched. (Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

- Whoops. - I'm sorry. I don't think you want this book. It's all about atheism. Oh, I know. I'm an atheist. Really? So am I. It's all yours. I feel bad taking the last copy. Well, there's one way to settle this. If there is a God, send another copy.

(SOBBING) Here, use my handkerchief. It's wet and cold. Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief. I've been blowing my nose in it all day.

Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself. Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS)

Has Dad found a permanent job yet? Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things,

Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING) And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly. Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING)

(HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!

Oh--oh--oh--oh--oh, What am I thinking? I--i, you know, I'd love to. But i--i--i just-- I'm booked solid. Uh, I'm doing a 3- episode guest shot on the Gilmore Girls. I--i play, uh--uh, Rory's motorcycle- driving boyfriend. He's a bad boy at heart, you know, but--but there's-- there's some good in there, Olivia.

Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately. Yeah, whatever you're doing, it's working. You should see the way I have to pick up chicks. Hi. (GIGGLING)

WoW!

(SOBBING) I hate your north side face! Lois, that's terrible. My day was even worse. I got pegged by a new form of spitball. (MOOING)

(THINKING) Ah! This is great. I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it. Predator Versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen. Where's a pen? Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar idea like that. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean, the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shape-shifter?

They ran all the time! Jeez, All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now? Oh, Kids. Look at that man over there! Grabbing his own crotch! Oh! So alive, this city!

Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it.

Let me fix that. If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely.

Hey. Hi. Hey. PETER: Damn it. He already started. If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird. He'll be all done, and I'll still be here. Come on, Peter. Pee. Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal? What the hell's wrong with you? - All set? - Yup.

I mean, what other choice do I have at this point? Everybody knows now anyway.

Going to take you apart I'll put us back together at heart, baby don't you forget about me don't, don't, don't, don't don't you

I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right?

I now declare this hair transplant officially over! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, he's back! You look great, Quagmire. (BEEPING) Oh, my God. One of my patients on Two has been shot.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're in college? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're my new college roommate? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We're gonna be living together? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In the same dorm? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) For the whole year? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick?

He's a family guy How's the garage sale going, Quagmire? Pretty good. Just clearing some of my stuff out of the basement. It's amazing what you find when you clean your basement.

And tonight I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called Stand by Me, about four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found themselves and also a dead body. PETER: The year was 1955,

Can we do better? I think we can do better, right? What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments and naked they would be, like, mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro. I mean, I'm just... Like, I mean, naked they'd be running away from each other, okay? I don't...

Here in status-symbol land

Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

Over there is our statue of Angela Lansbury. Protect us, oh, Lansbury, from rude teenagers, from soup that is both too hot and too cold, and from anyone who calls, but please have people call.

She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die.

(SNIFFLING)

And you're in. Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME)

How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it,

Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape, but in his defense, "Not a minor." Allen Iverson, picked up for marijuana possession and carrying a concealed weapon. And Darrell Armstrong faces a charge of battery against a female police officer.

Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad.

It's probably a weird fetish thing. Some criminals have 'em. Like those anal-retentive bandits who robbed Quahog Bank last year. All right, hands in the air! Vertically! Both arms should be parallel to each other! You, fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills. But first, fix that notepad so it's at a right angle with the corner of your desk! And tap that pile of receipts against a flat surface,

After that, Nate devoted his life

I forgot, he's terrible. MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe.

(THUDDING) Hey, did you hear something? I think it came from upstairs. (EXCLAIMING)

She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right. My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don't work out. I'm going home. Where's Brian?

No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? (ALL GASP) Oh, about the... (STUTTERING) The... The pie!

ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch,"

Really? Oh, Peter. Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.

See, you're supposed to be already gone. There's no breakfast. Here, let me help you to the door. (GASPS) You're a jerk, Glenn Quagmire. One of these days, you're going to get what you deserve. You better put something warm on. You got an icicle forming down there.

This thing is an insult. Well, that might be overstating things a little. It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, Fox should be...

NARRATOR: We now return to Ellen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking. So, you want to hear about my movie? I had a great weekend. We spent three months shooting in Louisiana. I danced all over my house. And it's a thriller. It's really a love story, too. I try to dance in every room at least once a week. I also listen to jazz while I vacuum, which is cool. Anyway, it comes out Friday. I got to work with Julianna Margulies... My pets were going wild all weekend. I think there's, like, something in the air.

Wow! Spencer does look like a monkey. Spencer, I am so over your selfishness. What do you want? I came out to Hollywood. I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind! So, why don't you think before you say things for a fucking change? Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag!

Mmm. My absolute favorite dish here. It is a spectacular cut, superbly seasoned and the marbling is some of the best I've ever seen. And I'll have the chicken. Mmm-hmm. Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car.

violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I? PILOT: Welcome to Ireland. We'll be landing in five minutes. This is quite a country, Brian. You know, Ireland has more drunks per capita than people. Oh, that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.

Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak. And that should do it. Now let's go home. Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty.

Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois. I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow. You know what would be a great idea for a TV show? A sitcom about former major league pitchers Phil and Joe Niekro enjoying their retirement years. You'd call it Those Lazy Niekros.

'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You think I care about you? I don't. Yes, you do. I know you do. I don't really care.

I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here. Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle. Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle.

Can't be my pointy teeth, 'cause those are all the way up here. I'll let you in on a little secret. (WHISPERS) Happy Halloween. Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show. How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian? (ALL CHEERING)

I did okay. ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled! Oh, my God!

Peter, they're never gonna take you back. You got fired for racist drawings.

Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?

Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? I'm made in his image. Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well...

She made me a mix tape. Oh, dear God, what have I done? I've made a terrible mistake. LaDawn! LaDawn! LaDawn! All right, you all set, honey? LOIS: I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting.

Have you lost your mind?

Commie. (SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody!

Now, wait a second, Cool Runnings. We learned in school that Miles "Chatterbox" Musket founded Quahog after he was saved by the magic clam. No, that is a myth. Peter, you were the founder of Quahog.

Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever.

(ALL LAUGHING) There he is! Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff. (ALL LAUGHING) Seriously, stop it! Okay, did everyone else feel that?

Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

What time do you suppose it is, Brian? I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

What are you talking about? I'm not gonna... Pick a name for yourself! Willem Dafoe. Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed. Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket.

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool. Neil. Neil, not so fast.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being--

And you know, I'm not gonna give you... I'm not gonna give you the definition right now just for your satisfaction. You know, Brian, I don't think you're in a position, really, here to pull rank on anybody. I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy. I don't think he's ever done anything as laughable as this book. Look, all right, well... What do you want? I wrote it in a day.

(GASPING) What?

Here you go, Josephina. Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms? Ha! Ha! It sure does, Mister-- Get the hell off of me!

We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye. Shall we?

Did you find everything you were looking for? Eh, I did all right for a guy who just had his first homosexual experience with his guitar teacher. All right, guys, keep an eye out for our stuff. I got tired of not being able to find my bags, so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera looking character to it.

What's on your mind, Petey? Look, uh, We can't be friends anymore. Oh. I'm sorry. Hey, Forget about it. Aw, jeez, Look, it's not you. It's Lois. She doesn't want me hanging around with you. Really? Yeah.

You fool!

Yeah! You're a little too heavy, buddy. Yeah! We're going down. Yeah! Yeah.

By the way, Meg, I forgot to tell you, your grandfather needs you to pick him up at the airport. Ugh! Grandpa always makes me so nervous when I'm driving. (GUN CLICKS) Okay, now me. That's a stop sign! Anthony, you want to come with me? Sure.

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! Ha! No bail! Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, l-Let's sit down and talk about this. I want to believe you, but-- Ugh!

Excuse me, Hef, I got a plane to land. (NOTRE DAME VICTORY MARCH PLAYING)

I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked. Come on, Jerome! Get a hit so I can bring a sports trophy home for my parents! Jeffrey Lipsitz has two soccer medals! I can't play soccer, I have newborn-calf ankles!

(ALL SCREAMING) Where're we going? Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. We're going to Texas.

You know, someone with a sense of danger and adventure. I once played a game of cricket without shin guards. Oh, I love a reckless man! One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell, and ran like Sebastian Coe! Oh! More! Tell me more!

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND) Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world? Uh, Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out.

I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.

Nice little narrative. Beginning, middle, and end. Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends?

Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July, which he promises will be even July-ier than the original. A dangerously insane human being. And here comes the next float, honoring uninjured veterans. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - Yeah! We rock! Our wives stayed with us.

Hey, what are you doing here? I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book. Yes, the fat man's going to Hell.

Looks like We're getting some rain here tonight, John. Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain! I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp. Oh, Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these.

That was a lovely service, Francis. Super. And only 3 more hours till school. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me? I rather like this God fellow.

I get to use my new passport.

All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there. But by the time he finds out, we'll be long-- There's a dog turd in here. Oh--oh, Lois. What? Jump!

I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are. Can't you get the money another way? Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products.

Around the park one more time, Bitterman. Peter, I'm not your chauffeur. Not for long with that attitude, Bitterman. (GROANS) Ah! This is living, Bitterman. This set of wheels is even better than those talking cars on that commercial.

Look what the Lynches gave us. A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger. You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard.

So, what's the deal with Chris? Is he actually, like, still in Africa? No, no, he's not. So that was all... That was just a bit? Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.

It's still a good play! It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits.

You got it, Dad. You can count on me...

(ALARM BUZZING) Ma'am, is this your bag? I don't know how that cocaine got in there. Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed weapon.

Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year. That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair?

What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not.

What the hell you looking at? I say, anybody listen to Howard Stern this morning? He had some strippers in the studio. They sounded hot. Then he made a joke about a negro. But Robin laughed, so it was okay.

Lois, you have a gray hair. What? Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today!

And the job exchange begins. (CHIRPING) Sir, do you want to move ahead on the agreement with the sanitation union? Sir, we need leadership. Oh, my God, Meg! Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I got distracted again thinking about Kent.

Stuff, stuff, stuff and stuff History and stuff and stuff People, people, someone's name History and sports Big disaster, someone's name Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff History, someone's name

They're not gonna do that, are they? Dad, shut the door, it's freezing! Please, you've gotta help us! You're lucky it's Christmas or I'd call the cops on you dirty grifters! Now you and your whore wife get out of here! Peter, you handled that perfectly. Merry Christmas, Lois. MAN: Please! We're begging you!

Dude, you gotta introduce me to that black chick.

(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS) I wonder... Ah-ha!

I'm pretty sure I wasn't! Oh, well, Maybe it was me. Must've been you. I was being sarcastic. Well, it wasn't me! Well, it wasn't me! Ah! Ah! Like this, listen to me oh, Hi, Meg.

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GROANS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Do you think we have a chance at winning? Absolutely. I love being around the stage. Except for that time we went to see Phantom of the Opera. Music is the gift I give to you PETER: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get out of here!

I love Barry Manilow.

Be sure to tell them how good they look every day, even if they're homely and unkempt. You're doing a great job, Muriel, and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren. And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

Oh! Holy crap! This is hot! Oh!

(FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?

- Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade? - Not me. What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter. (GLASS SHATTERING) Hey.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.

Damn! What do to? Wait For it... Wait for it... Yes! Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething, it might just be possible to reverse time's heady flow and undo ever having drawn those damnable blueprints. You'll never get away with this! Silence!

I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie!

Jillian, wait! Damn it. I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning.

Oh, I'm so, so honored! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl! It's Enrico Palazzo! No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals! Get him! (ALL CLAMORING)

Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working.

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard. Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now? You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

Ah! There we are. Oh, I say. I've laid an egg! Oh, That wasn't so bad. I don't know what these women are always complaining abouT-- Ahh! Attention, New quahogians. Today, my vision for our future comes true. A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass!

I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.

Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch.

All right, Bri, this is it, our first town. I'm gonna head for that roof. Why are we tilting? Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay? You're coming in too fast! Look out!

You know Daddy. He won't rest until he kills something on every continent. Ha-ha. But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas. It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.

I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there? (BOTH GRUNTING)

But I was only having a child because you and the mister...

Am I the only one who wants to wet some knuckle tonight? Yeah. How'd your cousin do it? She wore a mask. Don't you get it? If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot. Totally hot.

Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself? Yes, and then... What? No, I mean, that would like... That would show her. What the hell does the second part have to do with that? No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project. Are you...

RED: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob.

You talk to Matt Lauer lately? Mm-hmm. Played 18 holes with him on Saturday. Told him he was soft in the Arafat interview. Oh, I like Matt. - Me, too. - Huh. My purse! Come on, Greg. Let's roll.

"Pussywillows." My dad worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years. Tomorrow night they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him.

Heh, Look at that, Lois. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me.

- It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know,

You forgot where I made you smash your head on the windshield. I--I don't recall... Aah! Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one. H-Hello? Lois. Hi, it's Brian. Let me talk to her! Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. Is everything ok?

Stewie, did Mr. Jackson behave inappropriately toward you? Well, yes, but the worst part was he never called back. (ALL LAUGHING) No, but in all seriousness, yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.

How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

There. How's that feel? Well, it-it's... It's delightful. Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much.

It's such an honor to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, Kids? Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.

It's a world run by dogs. I mean, I kind of want to explore this universe. Oh, you like role reversal? Okay. Wait. What are you doing? (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Come on! Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop.

Come on, Paul. What a ridiculous name for a cat. Paul. That's a person's name! A person's name. (LAUGHING) Oh, Paul.

Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen. I'm so glad you like it, Chris. Would you like to try? Oh, boy, would I?

You know, Peter, a lot of people are not as accepting of Muslim culture as you are. Well, I think everything about it is the best. Like this hookah. I mean, who doesn't want to sit around a table with a bunch of guys and suck on the same thing? - How often does this get cleaned? - Never. - And how old is it? - Eighty years.

Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey. Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!

I don't like Dad anymore! I invited some friends over to jump on him like a trampoline... ...but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet. Kids, we just have to learn to accept this.

Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you've inexplicably acquired? I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing. They were gonna scrap it 'cause of some minor mechanical problems or something. Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation. I do not want you trying to fly that thing. You're not even a trained astronaut. Relax, Lois. Nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles.

Carmen Miranda Carmen Miranda Was she a singer? Was she a dancer? Nobody knows They just remember the fruit Pewterschmidt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit?

It's working!

I'm not getting any reception! Me neither! No bars!

Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home! Oh, my God. That is hilarious. He is probably freaking out. God! I would give anything to see his face right now. He's probably all, like, "Where the deuce is everyone?" Well, I can't really do a good Stewie.

Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. Right on! Woo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat. Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat! Aw, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat.

Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God.

Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

You're kidding. No. Total sex change. (LAUGHS) That is hysterical. I know! Suck on that, Quagmire. Yeah, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well. Oh, my God! What does it look like? You know, not half bad. Nothing you'd look twice at, but not bad. Oh, my God! That... You know, that is a tough road ahead.

Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here.

Dead brill, eh? Ah!

The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me? oh, Lordy, I'll never roam again! Jackass. Hey, He's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house. And you better start obeying both of us. Oh, Look at you.

Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS)

Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time.

only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit.

Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice.

It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter?

There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea

which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own. undefinedHow about a movie? " don't go out with dudes. Mom, Dad, am I ugly? Of course not, sweetie. Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? Craig Hoffman.

(LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George? George Clooney.

We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

Run for your lives! Holy crap! Hot! aah! There's no way out! At last! My time device is complete!

You guys give up? What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea. Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed. Now, remember, Chris, we have to work together, so that our steps-- Oh, This is my favorite event,

Hang on, sweetheart. We're taking off. The cave is collapsing! This is no cave. What?

(SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Guy picks his nose, then eats it. Yeah, good luck with that. Hey, Olivia, why don't you and I go get some punch?

(POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension. Let me ask you this. What about all the Renaissance art that Christianity inspired? That was my first question, too. Come on. Have a look at the Sistine Chapel.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY)

Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party!

You know, guys, I've been thinking. We need a new fourth guy for our group. We're a man short, like Statler without Waldorf. (LAUGHS) You know, without the other guy yapping in my ear, these guys aren't half bad.

No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

And he never taught me anything But still I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad Oh, his face looks like a railroad map And he never shuts his freakin' trap But all the ladies catch the clap from your drunken Irish dad Ask a Hennessy, Tennessy, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Riordan and Rooney

I'd be one rich little-- Let's go, Meg.

I have three very wide-eyed children to feed. Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. It's okay, Daddy. I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. (COUGHING)

Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk? Everything. Look, here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away. eh!

And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!

How was the cast party? We're a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. It's the greatest feeling in the world. Yeah, I bet it is. And it's all thanks to you. I never would've discovered I could be creative if you hadn't believed in me.

What a surprise this is! Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk."

Stewie, you want a Mommy rocket ride? What? What do you mean? Here we go! Get ready for blastoff! (CRUNCHING SOUND) Ow! Son of a bitch! (GRUNTS IN PAIN) Oh, my God, Stewie, are you all right? Nice throw, Casey Anthony.

(MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party.

And you know what you are, Brian? - You're a busted leg. - What? Are you firing me? Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture.

(ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Eric?

Oh, hey, hang on, hang on. Look, you know, I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex?

The pyramid! Of course! That must be the key to their power! Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa! I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory.

You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.

(WOMAN YELLS)

Oh, we finally made it below the storm. Look! I see base camp! Yay! We're gonna be okay! Wait! We have to go back. What? What are you talking about?

There you are! Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? (DISTORTED) Do you like my soothing voice? (STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS)

I ain't done nothing to antagonize nobody. What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more? I got rights, too. Who's there? (SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING) (GROANS)

Hey, sweet ass. Last night was fantastic. Hello? Where'd you go? (GASPS)

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Meg. I don't have any money, so I'm going to have to pay for these comic books with my poo. Chris, how come you don't have any money? I thought you had a paper route. Well, I'm taking a sabbatical to focus on my pottery. Oh. How's that working out?

Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet.

Peter, we're lost. Would you please find some place to ask for directions? We are not lost. And even if we were you know I can't ask a human being for directions. Why not? Because I'm a man. Jeez, Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois? Dad, maybe we should go home. No way, son. We came to get you back into the Scouts. And that's exactly what we're gonna do.

You ready down there?

V is very, very extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can Love is all that I can give to you

Whoa! This is trippy.

I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world.

No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money!

Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch. May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card? (LAUGHS) Hey, Lois. Diamond Jim Brady over here just asked if we accept the Discover card.

Look, this country was founded by people who came here to escape religious persecution. They made sure we all had a right to religious freedom, and it's my job to protect that. So there's nothing we can do? You could contribute to the Policeman's Ball. What? What does that have to do with a sick child? Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet,

Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

(WIND HOWLING)

Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change! NARRATOR: We now return to Ellen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking. So, you want to hear about my movie? I had a great weekend. We spent three months shooting in Louisiana. I danced all over my house. And it's a thriller. It's really a love story, too. I try to dance in every room at least once a week.

It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

you want to go out on a date with me. You want me to be your girlfriend? Shucks. I guess that's what I'm driving at. Okay. Pick me up Saturday at 8:00. Great. See you then. There you go. Being confident. Like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation. If that was me. I'm just saying, if that was me,

Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

You can have me. (GIGGLING) What's that? Well, since I couldn't help you learn to use the toilet, I found something that can. It's an instructional video on toilet training. Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider. And today we're going to learn to use the potty.

Yeah. What are you still doing here? I wait for rain to stop. It's time for you to go home. Is too much rain. I stay. But it's gonna rain all night. I sleep here. I don't know about that. I sleep here. Can I get some covers over here?

But you're a baby. Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. (ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to.

I'm flying! I'm flying!

He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that. Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic.

while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, I'll get right on that. (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) It's not working! Is this your card? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Luke! Han!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Germany's most popular late-night talk show, Still Awake with Otto von Stade. Some weather we're having. Okay. I was recently in Munich. Did you ever notice how the government buildings there are quite well-maintained? Okay.

The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! Welcome, apprentices. It's him.

Hi, everybody. It's me, Lou Costello. All right, what's the name of the guy we're looking for? Well, he's an Asian fella. Melvin Hu.

Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING) Is it not true that you went to see Dr. Hartman for a simple prostate exam? No, I went for a flu shot.

I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' loungE. HEy, Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin! Griffin, Griffin. Sorry, not on the list. Aw, Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student. You taught me everything-- Math, science. Y-y-You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom. Well, Peter, you start like this.

Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle. And it's weather-treated with a mixture of whale skin oil and children's tears. (DOORBELL RINGING) Yes? Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law. My client was injured listening to this audio book. We're suing you for every penny you've got. What? Why? You're liable as publisher.

We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird?

There we go! That was an ordeal. Well, Peter, this has been an amazing week. You and I own a restaurant. Can you believe it? I know. I feel like I'm dreaming. Wait. Maybe I am dreaming. That means I can do whatever I want without consequences. What are you doing?

Oh, no, it's another wave of fighters! We're outnumbered! Oh, no, we're not! Stand by, my Hawkmen! Dive!

Those were ripples in time, Brian, emanating from some point in the past. And there's only one explanation. Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors. He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history,

This is the exact moment in 1984 that I sent you to the first time. You've just got to manage not to screw it up again. Lois! Oh, my God, it's so good to see you! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?

All right. What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool.

I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

Well, whatever the case, thank God. Yeah, I know. Oh, hey, I brought you something from da Vinci's workshop. A candle? I can get a candle now. You couldn't have grabbed me one of his original notebooks? You know, I didn't have to bring you back anything. It's almost like you didn't.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size? You shall not pass.

That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick?

Freedom you see Has got our hearts singing so joyfully Just look about You owe it to yourself to check it out Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh?

Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck!

Andy Dick happened. As soon as that guy shows up any place, it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth.

I had to book it the day of my ultrasound. We'll never find another place in time! Oh, For once, it was all gonna be so perfect! Aah! Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect. We'll give him the best birthday ever right here in the safety and comfort of our own home. Peter, we've been over this. Honey, you won't have to lift a finger. I got us a clown, a cake, a petting zoo,

Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch. May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card? (LAUGHS) Hey, Lois. Diamond Jim Brady over here just asked if we accept the Discover card. LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive club called "anybody." Yeah. No, no, no, I don't think so.

Doctor, thank goodness you're here. My wife is about to give birth. Oh, my God! What are you doing? This is a manger! Ma'am, you're lying in manure. You're about to give birth into cow crap. You don't really smell it after a while. Oh, God! You're crowning, and there's flies on its head.

and sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again? Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary? No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Hey, Quagmire. What you got there? It's the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Check it out.

Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad!

just some of the words used to describe Lois Griffin's prurient pic.

Look, you're very sweet, but I have to save myself. For who? There's only 30 people in the whole world and you're related to half of them. I can't believe how hard you're making me work. Well, I do have a very good virginity coach. No, no, no.

and their Spirographs, and their Moby Grape, and their 90210. Luke Perry. That's it! Brian, I got my story.

Improv!

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says. You know, Brian... I'm telling you...

I am such a ghost! It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Oh, no, we're not! Stand by, my Hawkmen! Dive!

Hello. Alan Bennett.

So remember, sex is bad, immoral, and wrong. And if you have sex, you're automatically in Al-Qaeda. Kids, do not listen to this man.

All right, then. Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down. Not until I have my husband back! (SCREAMS) My perfect ass! Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot.

You know, I'm up for this, but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.

No! No! You'll never take me alive!

I mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction. Who, I ask you. Who? Hello. i, uh... How? Wha?

You got something new to write about now, you know. Maybe a main character gets into a relationship...

It's going to be awesome. I don't know how to do anything like that. It's easy. I'll help you meet some women, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Come on, it's been 50 years since I've been on a date. Well, how'd you get that chick on the boat, then? You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back? Yeah. Well, that was one of the girls their dad didn't get back. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you see? I see a woman draining your bank account and running off with a real estate agent.

BRIAN: Lois, I'd really like to talk about this. - No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay.

BAR PATRON: Oh, come on! Hang on, I'll fix it. Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside, junior. Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn, I drove all the way out here.

So, James, we just want you to do the voice.

No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you. You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it.

We now return to Little House on the Prairie. That's wonderful, Mary.

(NATIVES YELLING)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Well, she sounds lovely. But I still wouldn't put my face down there. Griffin, did you finish those reports I gave you? Right here, Angela. Wow. You know, I gotta say, when your dad told me about this whole switching-places thing, I was kind of skeptical,

F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how...

Mexico! Mexico! That cute guy's been staring at you all night. Oh, my God. I'm going to go take a dump now, so I don't have to later. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico? Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time.

Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants. I don't want to meet the man who looks good after that.

Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low What the hell are you doing? Taking down the Christmas decorations.

Babs, I need you. Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I kneel before you a frightened soul and a broken man. A man who has nothing without you.

I'm sorry about that. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again. Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces...

Finally!

Joe Swanson. Who? Wait, you don't remember me? I infiltrated your heroin operation.

Kids, kids. You're both... Just awful.

Here, girl. Ah! Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies.

(SIGHS) Boy, that was a close one back there. Way to think on your feet, Brian. Well, we got lucky. How you holding up, Stewie? Um... I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

Oh, it's a flare gun. Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger?

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike. What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right?

Here's a new kind of meth you put in your pee-hole.

"You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury.

Dinner just isn't dinner without him. Oh, Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

He's the one who wanted the trophy all along! I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight. Peter! What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. It's like taking a watch off a dead guy. Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe. Real oddballs. I don't trust them. I saw them taking coupons out of our mailbox.

If you never find love, then it's just meaningless sex.

and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties?

He's never coming out of that coma.

Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again. I don't want to impose. No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday.

Ah! Does not come with a manual.

That's curious. I didn't realize your mother was a Holocaust survivor.

(INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHING) Damn it! Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)

Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems.

(GOAT BLEATING)

Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man. (CHUCKLES) You said it, friend.

(CLANGING) Rise and shine, everyone! What do you got there? A candy bar, huh? - Got any other contraband? - No. Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer. Oh, so your dad gets guys off. (LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Oh, Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas. That's never happened before. Morning.

You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out. And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.

MAN ON TAPE: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.

(RINGING) - Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING)

I am going to kick... your... aSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

How dare you? It's a small change. And if you do it, we'll really get behind this show. A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration. So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal!

Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids. Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine.

What do you think you're doing? What? You, a man, are cleaning up a mess made by Anna, a woman,

PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

Rock lobster Yeah, you're gonna be ok. Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be staying with us for a few days.

This isn't about you as a cop. This is about you as a man. Come on, what do you say? Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice. (CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit?

Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix. Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah!

My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.

Ask how the Queen of England is. - How's the Queen-- - She's great. Peter's morphing ability... Lois, I'm a wishing troll. ...my super-strength... ...or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails...

I think it rolled up into my head. Look, just do the other one. Ah! You look like one of those blind jazz guys. Where are you? I can't see anything! (SCREAMING) I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses. Chris, I'm blind. I'm sorry, Meg.

Do You have a pen?

They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant.

Time's almost up! It's gonna be a close one! Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on! Hurry! (WHINING) Oh. I can't eat anymore. Remember what I told you. I get these weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get 'em checked,

Peter, I don't think that Lou Diamond Phillips is Japanese. Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these. Hey, what do you say we get some of them burritos?

Wait, wait, hang on a second. Are you saying there's more to being Mexican than working hard and lusting after big asses?

There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge. Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it! I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows! Well, At least the T.V. gets decent reception. Ha! Must be some kind of nature show. Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off!

Pearl! Come on, Pearl! Don't do this! You should be happy! I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor!

Thank you, Quagmire. Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words.

Calm down! Calm down!

(LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you. Okay, okay, okay. - Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on. See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now. It's just weird, Brian.

Peter, if you cried, we are done. Great job, Peter. Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars, and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion. So what happens next? Do those guys all get trials? Well, you know... (INDISTINCT) It's a long... It's the process, and whatever.

You know what the worst part is? All I wanted was for my dad to tell me he loved me. But instead he called me "a fat, stinking drunk." Those were his last words.

I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)

I say, there's a plane. Yeah. And If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot. And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar! I can finally get a drink! I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!

No. We got to wait for Lois to do it. No, we don't. I know how to make Kool-Aid. No, Quagmire. We're not asposed to... (GASPING) LOIS: I'm home, Peter! Oh, hi, Glenn. Peter, can you help me with the... Oh, Peter Griffin! Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess!

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho! Time to lose some weight, dearie.

Oh, my God! We were robbed! Is anything missing? No. I don't think sO. Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape?

Something, something, something, dark side. Something, something, something, complete.

Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jack... Oh, boy. I still can't believe they're gone. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Well, I'll be the one to say it. What are you gonna do about the baby? Let's keep it for parts!

Oh, boy, this is really awkward.

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay!

Oh, my God. Didn't you unlock the door when we left? No, you were the last one out! How the hell are we gonna get back inside? All right, find a rock.

No Coke. Pepsi.

What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now, help me move this guy's body!

Please, you gotta help us. They've been lost for hours. For God's sakes, Stewie's only a baby. A search party is being organized as we speak, ma'am. But I'm afraid, at the moment, I'm the only one on duty. Oh, my God!

Oh, yes, Of course you can have a cookie. Stay right there. "Cookie."

Luke! Han! Leia! Who braided your hair? Did the Ewoks braid your hair? Yeah.

Can't be my pointy teeth, 'cause those are all the way up here. I'll let you in on a little secret. (WHISPERS) Happy Halloween. Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show. How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian?

Walking around the locker room naked and offering people sections of a tiny clementine. Clementine? Oh, thank you. Clementine? None for me, thanks. Clementine? Yes, thank you. Clementine? Yeah, I'll have one. - Ooh, softly. - Sorry. Yes, I'll have one. There you go.

Oh, he's getting annoyed. Look at that. He sure is. Okay, now tell him you want a vegan place. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, my God! He's so pissed, he's calling. Well, answer it. No, no, no. I'm gonna send it to voicemail, then call him back, but pocket-dial him while I walk a few blocks. JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello?

And, uh, for the future? You came on a little strong.

(SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile.

You know, the one who got what she had comin'. Nice figure 8, Mom. Ha! All right. Ok, Bonnie. 1, 2, 3, Push!

Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus. Right fine performance at the cricket match today. Aye. I was spirited to have you down there watching me. ANNOUNCER: Well, it's a brilliant day for a long and confusing game of cricket. The field is teeming with men in helmets who don't seem like they need helmets, and men not in helmets who seem like they probably should be wearing helmets.

Wow, he was really nice. Not like when I met that bitch Shelley Duvall. Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall. Very nice to meet you. Big fucking deal. Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her. Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go.

We've got a runner in Sector G.

What? We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas? It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone!

Bloody hell!

Hi, Michael. I'm Meg. Meg! Oh, my God, Meg, you're okay! Oh, Meg, my beautiful daughter! Things are gonna be different. No more will I treat you like some kind of alien.

Oh. Do I? Hmm. I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist. Heh. Nice little body on her, huh? That's my daughter. Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

(WHINING) Lois! (CHORTLES)

If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming! Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, but I'm not driving you to the North Pole. Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU. Now, I think we should go down there to support him. What? Yeah, apparently, something happened at the mall,

You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you! I hate you! Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs,

No problem. We got money to get that fixed, with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the KennedyS.

(GROANS) He's still alive!

(BOTH GROANING) I caught this piece. Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right?

'cause we're more alike than we know. No one, no one No one ever Is to blame

That's insane. Wha... What is going on over here? What... Are we taking our shirts off now? Okay, follow the leader. Come on, Peter, hurry. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. (LOON CALLING) Listen to that. It's a loon. That's beautiful. You know, we ought to get a "fuck cabin" up here.

(IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)

Off to another day of jury duty, sweetie? Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order. (LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)

Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar. Now here's Roy! Ha. Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown. Uh-uh, This here's A hootenanny. Hoedown! - hootenanny! - Hoedown! - Hootenanny! - Hoedown!

The administration 's plan for peace in the Middle East is shallow and pedantic. f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone...

Okay, okay, okay. I'll do whatever you want. I thought you'd see it that way.

- ANNOUNCER: Now, back to Happy Days. - Ah, that Fonzie is magic. I love the way he hits the jukebox to make it work. What is it, Mr. C? Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur.

You got to appreciate that... Hey, don't distract me. Now, hand it over, Mr. Top. Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the skull,

Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? I told you never to show your face here again! Hey, We're just watching, all right. I don't want any trouble. OH, You've got trouble if you don't beat iT.

Nope. Sorry, Chris. She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

I used them to make the houseboat from Surfside 6. You remember. Surfside 6 who lives there? Surfside 6 young bachelors In Miami Beach Those are my first editions, you little punk! Mama, doggy scary! Brian, have you lost your mind? He's just a baby.

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian? Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no! I want a hug! I love... No, no. Just wipe... Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian! I love you so much! Go... Go roll around in the sandbox... In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around!

Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture, you're workin' during the day. They got time to bump uglies. That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy.

Oh, my God, a baby! Are you okay?

Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town. If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair... ...l'll never ask you for shopping money again. Please?

That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion. We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house, so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.

(LOUD THUMPING MUSIC) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

- Darn it. - Knock, knock.

I heard he bought it from his dad. Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it... one time when he was a freshman. undefinedDoesn't his dad live in Hartford? " think so. My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me. It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is.

Whoa! Aah! Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy. Oh, Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably,

Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo, I only made 25 bucks.

Glenn, you sure you want to do this? I already told you I forgive you. No, No, I feel like I got off too easy. All right. If you insist. You, uh, wanna ring the bell, Apollo? All right. Ding, ding.

Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Holy crap. We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get TV back to the way it was. Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian. (DINGS) I think I just got an idea. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) I got glass in my face. Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. (DINGS) I got it. (SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch.

Oh. Hi, Lois. I live upstairs now. What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING)

That rules.

"As funny as it is touching. Gene Shalit." "I stood up and cheered, 'Go, Julia, go!' Joel Siegel." "This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches, "so I went to the doctor and got myself checked out. "I'm currently awaiting results. Gene Siskel." Everyone seems to love this. We gotta watch it!

(BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS)

Joe.

Peter, I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings. That's almost everything we have. What the hell was it for? I bought some local TV airtime, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance. Thank you. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.

Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking. Okay, I think that's enough. I got more funny ones. I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah, I think we're fine. Lot of face stuff going on in that one. Yeah, let's just get to it. Okay, so the eggs have already been fertilized by means of intracytoplasmic sperm injection. And now, the embryos will be inserted.

Mr. Peter.

Rocky, please don't go to Mars and fight the Martian. I got to do what I got to do. But there's no oxygen on Mars. Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either. That Martian wants a fight, he'll get a fight. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old! Hey, look what Rocky bought me with his money.

Oh, hey, Joe. God, I thought I was in trouble for a minute. Hey, toots, you know why I pulled you over? You were going too sexy in a 35 zone. I'll need to see your driver's license. What?

and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.

Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie.

Because I'm going to kill Santa Claus! (OMINOUS MUSIC)

Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who? Fuck!

All Right. Let's see what we have here. Oh, The baby's crowning. All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves, and we'll deliver this baby.

Hey, Brian... Ah, sweet! Morning drinking! Yeah! Party!

Ta-da.

Ah, sorry. Thought I had more time. Hi, Daddy. Stewie's all ready. You boys have fun. There's my little guy. Well, Grandpa's here Oh, God, it's the song again. Yes, Grandpa's here! It doesn't even rhyme at all. He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around Let's go.

the way you treated your lesser... I underestimated you, Pewterschmidt. I thought you were just some suck-up loser, but you have shown me that you've got the mettle to be one of us. You are back in the club. Oh, thank you, Mr. Barrington! Yes. Now, I believe there is just one last piece of unfinished business to take care of here.

Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? You'll get the answer to that question next Saturday. (SCOFFS) Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.

(EXPLOSION) (THUDDING) There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house.

Hey, Mort. How's it going? Oh, it's awful, Peter! Why? What's the matter? The pharmacy's going under. I can barely pay my bills. I can't even afford the real pharmacy music. That's just me up there. Listen.

ugh! Ugh! But, uh, you know, thanks to these sessions, i--i--I think I'm ok. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for 2 weeks now. Mazel tov. Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan.

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House.

No rooms, eh? Well, perhaps you have a room for my good friend fistful of sand. Where's your money? I spent it on sand.

(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary. All right, look, let's just go. Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for Johnny. Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it.

(STUTTERS) Return the map. (STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS) No!

Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases.

Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass! Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today. Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now? PETER: Right there. Right... I'm having some trouble here. PETER: It's right there! It's right in front of you! FLY: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem.

Um, I do speak English.

This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. What the hell! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV,

I just want to draw. Listen, I was kinda hoping you could tell Dad. But try and open with a joke. Tell him yourself. I can't. I don't want to disappoint him again. remember what happened when he tried to sneak me into the County Fair? Uh, One, please. Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed!

MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

Peter, come help decorate the Christmas tree. One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some?

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Oh, Stewie, there you are. Peter, I asked you to do one simple thing. Watch the baby. And you couldn't even do that. Come on, Stewie.

Yeah, it's Boston. See, look, there's Harvard. That's just a barn. Ooh. Someone went to Yale. Lois, put the coffee on. Careful. I just cleaned the floor. Good thing. Mmm, Lemony. Your Holiness, this is such an honor.

Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter! If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take 6 months off my face.

Hey there. I don't wanna come between you. Or do I? Oh, that's awful. That's awful. Um, This is a song I've been singing for a number of years. And, I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by. Hungry eyes

Mom, am I going to fit in the seat or is this going to be like last time? This should tide you over for a while. I'll come back as soon as I can. Mmm. She's not coming back, you know. How do you know that? 'Cause she's my mom, too.

You're almost there, Sea Breeze. Oh, and, uh, Also, uh, i--I didn't bring this up before,

This morning's fly-fishing really wore me out. Wake up! You promised you'd get this hook out of my mouth. Ow! Ow! Thank you. Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm not sure which. Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they? Diane, that last report was so good,

You think she'd do him now? What, would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. It's about pissing off Daddy. That's right. She's got a lot of problems. - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter. - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question. Well, I should probably get out of these robes.

(DOORBELL DINGING) Hi. I'm Joan. I'm your maid for the week. Me Peter. You maid. Um, I do speak English. You maid, clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess.

Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a... This is called a telephone, Peter. You use it to talk to people who aren't in the house. There are others?

Watching him nail his cleaning woman is how I'm learning Spanish. Although I'm not sure what the Spanish word "no" means, because it doesn't seem to mean the same thing as it does here. And the worst part is, I don't think Lois even knows he's sick. Oh, this is going to destroy her! Just thinking about it makes me all giddy, like a group of women ordering dessert.

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice.

Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do?

Then you'll have to order my next tape. You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire!

Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Dharma, come down from there. Wow, I can't get over what a free spirit you are.

Delighted to oblige, Brian.

Guys can marry other guys now. So... This is awkward, but, uh, I mean, if they can do that, that's pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean, you might as well pack it in. Game over. Alyssa, hi. I--I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something sometime?

Oh, it's a flare gun. Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger? (BOTH SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GEESE HONKING) (DRIVERS SCREAMING)

(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

duh! Ahh!

Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today. Met her on my C.B., said her name was Venie Sounded like an angel come to earth Come to earth When I went to meet her, man you should have seen her

Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, You can't hear me now. All right, That's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.

Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote. Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime.

Hi, honey. How was school?

Take it outside, lady.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies. So the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete. You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me. Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead. Zombie!

I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this.

Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep flood waters from floating into my bum. (LAUGHS) No. No, I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed. I don't think you realize the danger. Like the people who think it's okay to bring shampoo on an airplane.

So, Was your husband ok with you coming here? Uh, Yes, he turned out to be just fine with it. All right. Let's see what we can pick up. Please don't spiT in my eggs. Please don't spit in my eggs. Please don't spit in my eggs. Thank you for the eggs! God, I hope he didn't spit in my eggs!

- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

Penelope Ann Miller, Nancy Travis, now those are movie stars. Look, Anthony, trust me, she ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off, it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza. Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific. Anyway, good night, kids. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. Uh-uh-uh-uh. On the lips.

Peter, this is our niece, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nice to meet you. All right, I'm getting up. Hi. Peter Griffin. So, Where do you want to go? We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore.

Hey, is that an original Matisse?

(YAWNS) Lois? I'm awake, Lois. Lois! Lois? Where the devil is everyone? This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.

I'd like to try it on a human first. Interested? " don't know. Interested? undefinedDid you just say that? Wes. I'll do it! Peter, the operation was a complete success! What are you going to do now?

'Nother afternoon fucking that ass. What the hell was I thinking? I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do? Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse.

(DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...

(SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.? Well, I got no money left to pay off my civil suit debt. So I'm making a God's Eye to send to Fred Goldman. It's kind of nice, right? Better than nothing.

ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear,

Well, I don't know if it helps, but I found this number next to the phone in his kitchen. I was saving it 'cause I was going to make a scrapbook of the trip for you guys. Let me see that. This is the area code for Juarez, Mexico. He's trying to get over the border! You think so? Definitely. There's only one road into Juarez, and it goes through El Paso. We got to get to El Paso.

Butter's in the fridge!

Fat man with his kids and dog drove in through the morning fog Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat.

Wait.

We can figure this out.

Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house. Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

That's almost 80 years. Tomorrow night they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him. Why? We barely know him. Yeah. How come he never visits us? Well, Kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.

(SCREAMING) No! No! No! No! No! So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People.

Okay, I got a little off track there, but they went to his cabin. Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin. He calls it his "sex cabin." No, he doesn't. He calls it "The Stuffet Inn." Oh, my God, I can't believe you knew about this and you let her go. Hey, don't give me that crap. I'm doing exactly what you told me to do. You said don't mess with her business, so I didn't. Peter, this is different.

This is never gonna work. Damn cow. Cleveland, what am I doing wrong? You got to get her running before you start running.

Probably a bad time to mention I'm wearing the skull as an athletic cup. Okay, let's talk to some spirits. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing? Y'all got a little friend of ours named Stewart up there. We was just wondering if you could send him back. Uh-huh. Well, yes, but I...

No, No, Lois. It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are. That's PewterschmidT! W-w-Wait, you guys. You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants. Peter, where are we gonna get the money to pay all these people?

Stop it. Stop it.

Take them down! Yes, sir.

God, you've been sitting there since I left. Yeah. I spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead.

MAN: Hey! Hey. Jeffrey, Peter Griffin has a mustache! No way! Way! Ohhh! I know! Oh, my God, Peter, look! McBurgertown is on fire! It's out of control! We need someone to man the other hose!

No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this. Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture?

Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

When do we get to shoot some bad guys?

Oh, my God, this sucks.

Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic. You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater?

- Did I tell you that I'm doing Atkins? - Oh, that's not good for you. - Dad, I just don't hear it. - Come on! Really, Peter. It just doesn't-- You're telling me that doesn't sound like Camptown Races? Not one bit. Do Short People!

Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy. You poor damn fool. What? You have no idea what's going on here. He's not just a delightful new friend for the family. He's your replacement. Come on, that's ridiculous. You're getting old, Brian, and they know it.

I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

Hey-oh mother africa oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality.

I assume it's like how it is in the men's room. Oh, there's a long trough with a big poo in it? (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) You know, Brian, the past few weeks have been great. I can't remember the last time I've had this much fun dating somebody. I can remember the last time I have.

Oh, crap.

All right, out back. No, Ma. Yeller's my dog. I'll do it. Aw, Come on! He'll call back! Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself!

Well, Peter, this has been an amazing week. You and I own a restaurant. Can you believe it? I know. I feel like I'm dreaming. Wait. Maybe I am dreaming. That means I can do whatever I want without consequences. What are you doing? I just adopted 30 puppies.

Can I help you, Edward? Yeah, I'm here for the early bird special. Are those new slacks? What's that now? Are those new slacks? I got these on special at Caldor. Who drove you there?

Wait, what the hell's he doing? He's supposed to be luring Peter out here.

Name 20. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.

We can use these boxes for good and... (GUNSHOTS) What the hell? That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill. Oh, my God, he destroyed every last box. Holy crap. We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get TV back to the way it was. Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.

They charge me 90 bucks a day to keep Brian here. For 60 bucks, I could put him up at the Holiday Inn.

Excuse me.

So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out... now that he's lost his sight. Nobody took care of me when I lost my arms and legs... and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Hey, Meg. they got a Happy Days spoof in here... but they call it Crappy Days.

One of us should pretend we're hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump them. That's perfect, Joe. Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick!

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward.

So, do you think your school would be right for Chris? Oh, absolutely. Quahog School for the Deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, you're just in time for our homecoming pep rally. What are we gonna do to Lincoln? ALL: Kill them! I can't hear you! ALL: Kill them!

...so don't skimp on the conversation That sounds nice.

Oh, hey, Chris, by the way, the roofer came today while you were at work. And? It's gonna be five grand to fix it. Oh, that's just perfect. I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see. Anyone got more happy news?

f 'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Sa vings weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru. We will blitz the competition, and in no time, you 'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru right to a touchdown. (PETER SINGING JINGLE)

You fool!

Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit. Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one... Shh! Lois, Lois, look.

Damn government! Tell me I can't build a pool on my own land. and After my grandfather helped create one of this country's most beloved cartoon characters.

Muriel? Oh, yeah, like she's going to answer you, Tom. And here we go with the attitude. This is why you're single. Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid?

No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital. All right, hold-hold on a sec. - I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter! Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go. Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin. But you came through it beautifully.

Meg, I'd love to send you to Paris for a semester, but we can't afford that. But I can pay for it myself. I've been saving up from all my part-time jobs. That's smart of you, Meg. You know, sometimes I do part-time jobs for extra cash. (VIOLIN SCREECHING) Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money.

But I planned a big night, and we're gonna have a great time. Brian, Cheryl was the one that got away. She was the great love of my life. I thought this was my chance to finally achieve some real happiness. Ever since she left, I've been chasing girls to fill the hole she made when she walked out. Now I'm forever lost!

I didn't see him. (SCREAMING) (MEN LAUGHING)

Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING)

And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay.

Stewie, I don't see Meg anywhere. Brian, look! (SOBBING) Oh, my God! Meg! What the hell? Where'd you get that hat? A girl gave it to me. What did she look like? She had a great personality.

Oh, uh, Sure. Go right ahead.

and we're getting the final results in now. Quahog's new mayor is... Lois Griffin! (ALL CHEERING)

PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle?

Hey, got one more here! (IN GIRL'S VOICE) Oh! Where are we? I'm from Atlanta. I don't know where we are! Hey, you better hurry. They're starting soon.

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter? Dear God, I'm un-teething. Brian, it appears the flow of reverse time is beginning to affect us as well.

That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass.

We did it, Daddy! I have my husband back, and you have your company. Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who... BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Ooh. Well, that's why we have the lab. Well, I just got off the phone with Hope, and it sounds like Scotty's gonna make a full recovery. You hear that, Stewie? Looks like your little friend's gonna be okay. Oh, I don't care about him. I've got a new friend who's got leprosy. (LAUGHS) See, he's funny.

I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING)

It's Italian. Do you like it? Oh, It's exquisite. It's not for every day. Clearly. I'm gonna put it on right now. I know how hard you've been working. And the whole family appreciates it.

And if you girls drink anything, there's recycling under the sink in the kitchen. Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do? Yeah, this doesn't seem like much of a party. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door.

Oh. Oh. Thanks.

- Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck!

You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil. Honey, good news! I made partner!

Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

This is my dirt bike girlfriend. Amber. I'm a dirt bike guy now, so I need a dirt bike girlfriend. Yes, she has small breasts, but she makes up for it by smoking. Peter, she has to leave. We're having dinner. No, Lois! I will not allow you to look down on Amber just 'cause she goes to an alternative high school! There's different ways to measure intelligence besides someone's grade-point average!

His Excellency hopes that you will die honorably. But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas. Please don't kill us! We won't do it again, honest! We'll be good, mister! We was just fooling around, is all! Jabba! This is your last chance!

Say Meg, looking sharp. You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming! Jesus Christ, look at you! You had it all, money, fame, eternal life, the perfect hand for masturbating, and you blew it! You let it all go to your head!

Thanks, Meg. Oh, er... What's wrong? Nothing. It's just that I like to put the straw in myself. Oh. I'm sorry. Here. Yeah. It's not the same now. I'll... I'll just get another one.

Okay, that one might have been more of a visual, but you feel that feeling you got right now? That's satisfaction. You just read something.

a freak!

See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine.

I can't believe my dad is in there. This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life. I got a new dress. Try talking about him. So, uh, do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?

(MEG SCREAMS)

Ok, now What you gotta do is go down the road past the old Johnson place. And You're gonna find 2 roads, one parallel and one perpendicular. Now Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for "x."

you're not even part of these United States. Which would make you... a Communist! - Ahh! - ahh! Ow! Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier. Would you come back in a week, when my fat malcontent trap door will be completed? I am not coming back in a week or ever! I've had it with you!

But from now on, Meg, you and me are secret best friends. - Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade? - Not me. What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter. (GLASS SHATTERING) Hey.

Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor. And I always heard me nana talk about how she took a duke. Must've been a difficult marriage, too, 'cause every afternoon she'd be bellyaching about her bloody duke. I think you just had a gross grandmother. No, I'm quite sure of it. And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow.

Ugh! Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh!

That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over. ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation is brought to you by Sanka.

Lois, why the hell do we have to take a stupid C.P.R. class? Because, Peter, none of us knew what to do when Joe was drowning. Now, be quiet and pay attention. Hi, there. I'd like to welcome you all to C.P.R. I see a lot of smiles here in this room. There's one. Oh, There's another.

Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade," as it's pronounced, Brian, as long as I see fit! Oh! Oh! Shh!

Yeah, I just don't feel like it, Lois, seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore. Honey, it was just a simple operation. It's no reason to give up on your sex life. I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids.

Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed. Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it. Oh.

You again?

Yes. Sleep away, woman. But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Say something. - What? Just say something, please! Oh, For God's sake!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to a later-season episode of Family Ties. Elyse, have you noticed how puberty has changed Jennifer? (SHUSHING) Keep your voice down. I have a date with my boyfriend. Well, have fun.

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home!

You guys wanted to see me? Look, Brian, we're really excited about the ratings. We're just really disappointed with how low they are.

Then you made love to 2 Filipino women and a man. You mean 3 Filipino women! No!

All right, everyone. All DVDs are a dollar and everything must go. Come on in. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Please be here. Please be here.

That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

Aw, look at that smile, Lois. Reminds of that guy who was way too happy he didn't get killed on 9/11. (GASPING) (SIREN BLARING) I'm ten minutes late for work! Look at that! I stayed up late watching Monday Night Football and that saved my life, huh? Isn't that awesome? Oh, but oh!

Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker. I'm coming.

Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

Oh, That's ok. No charge.

All right, episode one, "What the Duck?" Take one. Oh, darn it, Poopy Face Tomato Nose. I know, Red Heinie Monkey. This card house won't stay up. Probably because the wood stove is so warm. It's making our hands sweaty and slippery. It's all coming together. It's all coming together. This is it.

Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind!

How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland. We've been meeting people for the past three days.

Why can't you find a nice girl? Ma, she's gonna dump hiM. Well, at least he got that faR. You know who he took to the prom? His cousin! - That's weak. - YEAh. All rigHt, All right, that's it! I'm sick of both of you. Come on, PeteR. Death, put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite! I don't have skin!

A gentle breeze From Hushabye Mountain Softly blows O'er Lullaby Bay (HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS) Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian. Penelope told me I had to kill you because you said we should break up, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So then she said she was gonna kill you, and...

Did you have a good time at your prostitutes' convention? Peter, I was just trying to help your mother meet some new friends. Lois, you're too nosey. Like that waiter at that restaurant. And who had the prime rib? I hardly think that's any of your business. Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day. You gotta call Dad and get back together with...

Are you gonna miss me? Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler. All right, I left you the number for the spa. See you in a few days. Not if I strangle myself with a seaweed wrap and die. Whoa-ho-ho! You are dark!

No, but I mean after soccer practice. You got anything planned for then? I mean, nothing, nothing. Keep walking. You don't know me. The doctor says you're going to be fine. And your family's on the way.

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch.

I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch. After that... Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis. Hey, guys, what is going on?

My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

(SNORING) (SNORTS) QUAGMIRE: Didn't mean to wake you.

Doesn't that sound wonderful, Brian? Are you ready to go to the nice farm? No! No! You'll never take me alive! Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

I threw up a lot in high school, so I don't get my period anymore. Wow, this is the one you have been waiting for, huh, Brian? (CHORTLING) Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian? You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone. Come on, let's go out dancing.

What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds. Um... I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it? Oh, aren't you adorable! Are you in a fraternity, little boy? Not yet. But I'm thinking about joining I FELTA THI.

Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him! Oh, Peter. Lois. Ok, Ok, that's good. Come on now. Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me?

Do it! Please! Put me out of my misery! You want me to kill you? Come on! What are you waiting for! Pull the trigger! Well, there isn't a great deal of sport in that.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive.

That's PewterschmidT! W-w-Wait, you guys. You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants.

- I don't believe you. - Then shoot me.

It's ok to be betrayed by your wife and best friend? Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from. Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah!

Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the... - I did good, Meg? - Shut up. I did good!

I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

You, you, you and you. Go. When Peter told me to make a workplace comedy where people talk to the camera, I thought... Not now. I mean, go do a show. Don't do that thing here. Huh, wonder if I can pull off one of those can-you-believe-what-I have-to-put-up-with looks to the camera.

Um, hey-- Hey Carol? Um, since--Since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts? Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts? He's half your size. I--i know--i know--I know. But check this out. Hey--Hey, Carol. Say, Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise?

But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas. It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents. Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me? Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Your show? Peter, this is my show! What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out, and we did. I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful, and you've completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit! Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except,

Wow, Thanks! See ya.

(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You... You don't find me attractive anymore. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying. But you can't force the spark back into our marriage.

Gobraun takes the snap and fades back to pass. Here comes the rush. Oh, he's sacked!

Laugh and cry He's a family guy You guys, don't you think I'm a little old for the Teen Choice Awards? I mean, I turned 18 today. Oh, come on, Meg.

(GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms. Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.

Stand back. I got a full bladder. QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, I gotta go, too. You wanna have a sword fight? JOE: Ooh, I want in on that. CARL: Me, too. CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean.

What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night. What funny thing? You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time. What the hell happened to my car?

Your name is Jim. Close enough, Peter! Come on, you guys, let's go home!

You come out here right now!

Hey, hey! It's the Griffins! What can I do for you? Glen, we have a family emergency. We really need you to take the kids, for just a couple days. Uh, well--well, in--In accordance with Megan's law, I'm obligated to inform you that, uh-- Y-you know what? That's fine. I--I'll take the kids. Aw, Thanks, buddy.

A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

Why? Because it's relatable. They'll see themselves in it. I think the design is great, Dad. Good note. Good note.

Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day. But your father's bringing in the old TV. Hey, Meg. Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two.

(COUGHS) Sinner. (COUGHS) Harlot. (COUGHS) Skank. (COUGHS) I'm actually sick. You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin. But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for... Leave this house of God!

Now you're telling me what I can and can't do?

Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode. ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

and a little physical release will do us both some good. Peter, are you... Oh, come on! Lois, I know it's late, but, me and the guys, we're going beekeeping. Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you? Whoa, someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast. I don't need honey, Peter,

Whenever you're ready. Okay, I'll read you in, Elijah.

One of the greatest football players ever. Peter, he murdered two people. What? He brutally killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. Simpson? Yes. Was this in the news? Yes, Peter. It was all over the news. Well, now, wait a minute. If he killed two people, how come he's not in jail?

All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle. They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party. (HUMMING)

Hey, there's another note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom..." Oh, that's the note from earlier. I need a file cabinet.

Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this. I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"!

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.

Oh, hello. I'm Mary. Listen, um, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime. Well, sure. That sounds nice. You know, there's a beautiful spot outside of town where they dump all the foreskins. You can sit on top and watch the sunset. Oh, great, and maybe we could slaughter a lamb and light it on fire so that it rains.

Hey, Peter. Hey, what's going on? Is something wrong? (STAMMERING) No, no. Everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for...

In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead. What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires! Face it.

Oh, my God, Meg! Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I got distracted again thinking about Kent. (SIGHS) I can't do this anymore. I've just got to ask him out. WEST: Sorry! Honey, give me any laundry you have.

Oh, how thoughtful. (SOFTLY) Throw it away in the outside garbage. Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question.

Hear what '80s mainstay Howard Hesseman has to say about it. I love it. Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed? We don't think so. Order now. There we go. You are ready for your date. Yeah!

He stole my trikie!

We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories. He's cool, Dad. He killed a guy. Well, technically he was killed by the state, but funny story. He did curse my name just before the injection. Peter, what's the matter with you? Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe?

Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists. Well, hey there, Griffins! Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise! Don't tell me you're K.I.S.S. freaks, too?

Okay. What the hell. I'm an open-minded person. Yeah. So am I. No big deal. Just my body. Oh, my God! They're going to do it! Oh, I got to take a picture. Holy crap! No way. No freakin' way. Quagmire, take a picture. Oh, my God!

But I love our old house. You have to buy it back. It's too late For that. Our stuff is packed. It's on its way here. Come on, Lois, you'll love living in Newport. Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate.

Peter, answer mE! YEah, I did! And They made me president. Of the whole company? All right, Dad! You shoulda seen the way they were treatin' me. I've never gotten that kind of respect before. Great workout, Bobby. Up yours, sack breath! That's "Mr. Griffin." But, Peter, why would they make you President?

What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why? Why? Why? Saunders, tell him why! Because it's Rule 142-B! Because it's Rule 142-B! Good job, Scout. Now drop and give me 20!

My tooth hurts!

Lois!

Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad. Don't! (SNIFFLING)

I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd? No, no! Good Lord, this is not 2005. We've come a long way since then. Okay, what? So you go stabbing in there with a laser and you try to zap it out, like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? No, Mr. Griffin.

Something I should've done a very long time ago.

Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive

It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore! I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh? No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!

God would totally do her He'd do her all the way Even call her the next day To see how her work was going (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here. Wait a minute. Where's Meg?

No way! Uh, uh, Hold on. I--I'm gonna take this in the other room. I got it! Hang up!

Listen, I know I'm not a regular patient, but I think I have some trouble with my prostate. So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy? What, so you can sue me, too? Oh, come on, it'll only take a sec. Forget it. I'm a doctor, not a patsy. Hello.

Why is Label Guy trying to punch me? Punch you first, Label Guy. I got to go pee. I don't want to get up. Joe, where's that thing? Where's the thing? Where's the catheter thing? No, it's mine, it's private. What happens if I blow in this end? Don't, I'll 'splode.

PETER: Goodnight, honey. Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

Fucking idiot.

I'm fat.

Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be! ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Nature, with a Guy Named Terry in It.

Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. Oh, Joy unbounded! Go, Daddy! I'll feed it and take care of it.

Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door? Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance.

I should be able to talk with your friends. So, then the valet pulls up. and I'm all, "That is so not my car." but then it totally was.

So, uh, what do you guys got planned for the weekend? I don't know. I might sit out in the front yard with a rake and wave at cars. Yeah, and I found a hole in my fence I was gonna maybe stick stuff through. God, look at us. How'd we become so dull and pathetic?

Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS)

He's dead. Do you think he slipped off the roof? Maybe. But he was dead before the fall. Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone? I want to prove something to these guys.

Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to True Blood. Hi. I'm a nude vampire. Hi. I'm a nude werewolf. And that's the show! Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class. I don't really want to be friends with him, but he knows a lot of chicks. And backwards rim shot.

I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much. Please turn to hymn number 487. (ORGAN PLAYING)

followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear,

Why? Because I just made stool in there, and if you blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink. Do you understand? Do you understand me, sir? (DOORBELL RINGS) Peter, what brings you here? Hi, Mom. Hey, there's a new policy at work where everyone has to prove they're an American, and I need my birth certificate.

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately he was kind of a reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be.

I'm sorry, I didn't copy that. Who are you looking for? Carlos Spicy Wiener, do you copy? Carlos Spicy Wiener here, go ahead. They found us, kid. We're going back to base. Just as soon as I grab some powder with these skiing young people.

Me, too. I really value our friendship. You're not like those other Snorks who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there? Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.

Well, yeah, but, Brian... I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure... I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap!

Later, dink! (GUN CLICKING EMPTY) (GROWLING)

Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while. - You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird.

And have my wife say, "Hello, how was your day?" That's impossible for you. - You know what this is about? - What? This is about your disrespect for me, this family and everything we stand for. What do we stand for? Who are we, the Goracks now?

I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg? Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we're working together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me! What's that? Give it to me, Neil! Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil! Yeah. That'll work just fine.

I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it! PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker?

Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio. 2 minutes, uh, everybody. 2 Minutes. ...Feh--feh--feh fi--fi--fi--fi fo--fo--fo-- Jeez, full house.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh Anyway, right before he died, uh, Mr. Weed promoted me to Head of toy Development. And I've brought my attorney who confirms that this constitutes a verbal contract. Isn't that right, Saul? Yes, sir. Verbal contract. Thank you.

I Know What You Did Last Summer?

I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you, Senor Griffin. So far, you've failed everything, including the "Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test. No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro!

Damn it.

oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

(SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.

I can't help myself I fall in love with you You like that, Stewie? You like Anne Murray's music? I must. This is the first time you've opened your mouth and I haven't wanted to shit in it.

(GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

Then we'll play full contact football in the park with no pads or helmets. Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for Bad Movie Night. Then it's straight to the bars to find loose women to have sex with.

All right. Our goal here is to gain a command of the English language. So you can be successful writers like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon. You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months.

(SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris.

You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man? My whole life's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs! Yeah, I know. So what? Your dog is dating her! No way. You're banging Cheryl Tiegs? Yeah. Oh, my God.

D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

We had the abortion.

- Okay. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Hmm. Bite. - Mosquito. - Ah, yes. Good one. - Uh, mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired.

it struck their tiny raft ahh! And plunged them down a thousand feet below to the Land of the Lost

Do I hit him? No! Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!

Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato?

In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience.

(SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS) (HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.

Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night

Go, go, go, go, go... Aw! He so should've died. This is bullcrap. Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping. Hey, Lois, when are you gonna do the laundry?

Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. But after all this, Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 'cause right now I wish I was dead. If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here. Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. But I do have a job to do. So get moving.

Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

The elephant goes, "Fwaamp." Yeah, kind of. Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled into the time machine?

Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

They got my picture up at the drugstore and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while. Ben. Dad. Ben, what have I told you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed? Look, Meg, I've had enough of this. You're not gonna convert me.

Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party!

Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family.

It's been a pleasure serving with you, Chris. And with you, Stewie. Jeffrey! Jeffrey, come back. It's gonna get dark soon! All this drama over a turkey burger? Oh, thank God! Oh, you're not Jeffrey. You're that missing baby and boy.

This country used to welcome our kind with open arms, but men like Carter Pewterschmidt use us for cheap labor, and then try to punish us when we demand to be treated like human beings. Well, no more! Immigrants built this country, and I say it's time for us to take it back! Who's with me?

Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore. What's the point? You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit? Oh, my God, I overslept. My final exam's in 20 minutes. Brian, you'll never make it.

I just, I don't know if I can handle that.

Yeah, it's a program sponsored by the high school.

Damn it! Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Hey, sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir! Oh, screw you!

It was so nice of you to come, Peter. You're so considerate. Aw, It was nothing.

4 times, stops The wife is thinking takes a long, hard look at Randy 5 times, fat old husband's walking over

Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING)

Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other. Don't worry. I G-- I got it under control.

Sorry to be tardy to the party. Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face!

I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West.

Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise? It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?"

Good afternoon, mustache wearers. Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet. There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month, as it is the 70th birthday of his mustache? Oh, I think we just send a nice card. Just make sure it has a mustache on it.

Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter? Oh. I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone.

You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!

Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down. Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.

MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to... Okay, I heard "pharmacy." Who's in the pharmacy? PETER: John Wayne! What the... Peter, you're not supposed to be in the audience. Get the hell up onstage. All right. Hey there, sir. Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you?

They're cutting off his penis in there! All right, all right. I mean, this is my dad we're talking about! Okay, okay.

Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

Well, if you turn on Channel 14, we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

Oh, For God's sake, Peter, make an example of her! Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post.

This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me.

The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car!

(EXCLAIMS) No gravity.

No, it's not an issue of money. Your head is a cheeseburger. There's no blood flow to it. It's just... It's just dead cow meat. All right. Well, I appreciate you giving it to me straight. All right, then. Have a tasty afternoon. (CHUCKLES) Ah, there's a smile. So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?

Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Well, that's... That's just fine." I'm going to the mall later. Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear. I don't think that's gonna be a possibility. I have plans... With Chris. Chris and I have plans this afternoon. We do? Yeah, we're doing that thing.

and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened? The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose. Oh, crap. And I was going to watch G.I. Jose. (GROANS) Oh, no! You cut your forehead! What do we do? (IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, kids, if you have an open wound,

I really like you. And I was wondering if maybe, um, you want to go out on a date with me.

And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.

A job? Lois, the '70s are over. Forget it.

A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do! You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better.

(SIGHS) Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg. I feel the warm, healing, liquid presence of God's genuine, cold-filtered grace. It was my pleasure, Brian. And now we get to do the work of the Lord. Come on. What? What are we doing? God's will, Brian.

PetEr Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Fooled you!

Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

We can go to K.I.S.S.-Stock!

Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute.

What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

Oh. My God, this house is freakin' sweet

Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the sunshine? Are you ready for... (ALL CHEERING) You dirty...

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY)

Hey, Mom. No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home. I don't care. I don't care. Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep. 'Cause you're gross. And even if they are, so what? Who are you saving yourself for? Hey, look, I got to go. I don't know if we're coming to Thanksgiving.

Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me!

Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

Oh, no. It's not on his tail. It's on his face. I've ruined it. Oh, no. Well, that's okay, though. Somebody else will come along and get it right. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie. I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I've never been to a party before. Want to watch me blow out the candles? I would love to see that.

Would that make you happy if I was never born?

PETER: Stewie! Stewie, how's that oatmeal? Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal? What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper? I'm just trying to eat here. What did you do to your mother's vagina? Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"? What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING)

Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative. I smell a sitcom!

...Joey Lawrence haircut. So, I'll assume we can count on your help to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan. The plans are stored inside this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. All right now, what do I click?

Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater. Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad." I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family. That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog... ...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

I thought being a hero would be all fun and games. Sorry, Wonder Woman. I got 3 kings. Now let's see your pair. All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at hER. Come on. Let's get out of here. Oh, perfect.

Oh, God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not coming out. Brian, is that you? Uh, Yeah. It's me. Is everything ok? Yeah. I couldn't sleep. I'll be up in a minute.

Oh, my God... Lois was right. Right there.

the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.

She's disgusting! Not when you're drunk, she's not. All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what. I'm gonna show you that, too. Okay, get ready for this. Hey, hey, hey, gang! Everybody line up for a "Triple H,"

I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever. I gave out all my invitations yesterday. Hey, Chris, I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party tomorrow. Thanks, Dad. I'd love to. Oh, no! M-E-G. Hey. What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Sports! Birthday sports! No, just sports! Oh. Okay.

Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here? Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem. Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night. Keep it down. Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with a lead pipe.

Yes. Have you been aging? I want you two to do it right in front of me, and I'm gonna throw 40 bucks on your sweaty bodies when you're done. Let's see the money.

Hi. Wow, you look just like your picture. You don't look anything like yours. Yeah, that's a candid from a summer job I had. Well, you're much prettier in person. - Shall we go? - Yeah, sure. Don't wait up, boys. I like him.

This is all moving very quickly. I'm afraid I'm a little light-headed. You must think I'm a fool. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on too strong. Oh, that's all right. I've been missing a man's touch, lo these many months. And I've been missing a woman's touch.

Sorry, Lois. Regulations. I can't give you any special treatment. It's ok, Joe, I understand. Shut up, maggot! Your Honor, I am so sorry for stealing all that stuff. I just couldn't control myself. Well, Mrs. Griffin, considering this is your first offense,

Oh, my God. We won! What? Let me see that. Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler.

(IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet!

How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with "Eliminate." No! What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh!

mmm.

Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. That one is also sexual. Well, I guess with good behavior,

Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there? Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier?

Muriel? Muriel? Muriel!

That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over. ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation is brought to you by Sanka.

So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, look-a-here, Hershel.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh? I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you. um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Down therE? Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no!

The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD) It came from over there!

Oh, my God. Stephanie was an accident. That's a way of putting it. What do you mean, Joe? This gun was timed to fire directly at that chair, where James Woods would have been sitting.

Oh, God! Where's Stewie?

(TRUMPET BLEATING) Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend.

Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends.

Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy. Get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting. Okay, get ready to go to light speed. One, two, three.

Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually... It's kind of a funny story.

Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh!

What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry.

Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar. Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.

I wasn't invited! I hate Chris! He's such a jerk! Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused about who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life!

Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God.

And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

To prove you are truly a member of our tribe, you must go on a vision quest. Do you know what a vision quest is? Of course I do. I'm an Indian. But, Ah, why don't you explain it to my wife? She's a little slow in the head.

Wow, Why don't you go say hello? I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' loungE. HEy, Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin! Griffin, Griffin. Sorry, not on the list. Aw, Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student. You taught me everything-- Math, science.

and let the anesthetic do its job. All right, Doc, I trust you. Good. Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video, and we'll get started. What? Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name? Dr. Hartman. Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal". No!

Good. Now give me back my shirt!

And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills.

Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down. Not until I have my husband back!

The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy You guys are gonna love this spa. They give the best massages.

Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme! And I'm Major Awesome! We're here to tell you how much the army kicks ass! Check this out! (MAN READING)

Griffin, what the hell is this? It's a robot that I built to save this company money. Now, before you say anything, one, it has no human emotions,

(ALL CHEERING) Frank, there you are. Mia Farrow? What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? Oh, leave me alone. Get over here, young man. Damn it all.

Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it.

Besides, think of the money we're making.

Oh, You guys are asseS! I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you!

Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique.

Okay, okay, who would you rather do? Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first, or Eddie Izzard in drag, but he has a working vagina? Would Eddie Izzard tell others about it? Eddie Izzard is very discreet. Then that's your answer. You know, Quagmire, I gotta say, I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along.

Well, Meg has the mumps all right. How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal? I never got a mumps shot. Really? Well, I'd caution you that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications. In some cases, the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands. Big deal. So I'll wear socks.

Come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower. - But I like that guy. - Too late. (GRUNTING) My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)

Ouga chaka ouga ouga... I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!

Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick. Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his. Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch?

All right! Her first drum solo.

Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!

I feel like a new man, like I'm reborn. Joe, you have blood just pouring out of your pant leg. Yeah, I had a ball blow in the river.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

The autopilot is capable of taking you home. But, guys... (STATIC CRACKLING) ...to engage, we're gonna... ...to take the shuttle out of... Hello? Hello? Crap, I think we lost him. Let me fix that. If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off.

Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other? What? Well, I try to keep them separated, but I woke up this morning and they were sort of together. I just didn't know. Is that okay? You have both? Well, yeah. Doesn't everybody? No!

If you'll turn to Page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, which I can tell are... Okay, okay. Yeah, all right. You know what? I'm in a meeting. I'll call you back. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. So, what are we talking about here? Well, before you... (PHONE RINGING) Oh, I'm sorry. F, what's up? No, no. I can talk. En garde!

Good job today. Good job today.

Atta boy. All the way upstream, buddy.

Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister.

I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo." Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing.

By the way, my attendance at home is gonna be spotty over the next few weeks. And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair, that's why I'm naming you my Chief of Police.

What is your problem, Snoopy?

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, look at this place. It's a world run by dogs. I mean, I kind of want to explore this universe. Oh, you like role reversal? Okay. Wait. What are you doing?

(CLEARING THROAT) (PRAYING IN HEBREW)

Oh, so now everyone understands me. Look, Meg, we're just worried about you.

A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.

Look, there he is. Dad, how could you? Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail, can we go in your room? Look, don't you kids buy any of this for a second. Your father is innocent. Oh, he killed her. Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business.

You're a poop-nose.

(MONITOR BEEPING) (VENTILATOR WHEEZING) (CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY) (DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY) (LIVELY TUNE BEGINS)

What year did you graduate? Well, I mean, I didn't technically graduate. (GASPING) You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

You're not welcome here! Go away! Wow, Chris. Did you lose weight? Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out.

Nothing. Back to your turnips. Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta. Wow, Mom. You look pretty. Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance... my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model. Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too.

A witch! Witch!

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh!

Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk. (ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on?

Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad.

Package for Dr. Hartman.

but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm. Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze That's what he said, now

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois. Hey, Lois, look. I'm a booger. Peter, for God's sake!

Hey, how about that Jesus, huh? What a guy. Father, we're so glad you're here. We need you to conduct last rites for our friend over there. (STAMMERING) Well, I suppose. Dear God, non-Jewish God, be a mensch.

Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks. Don't you think it's time to forget about that boy? Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway. You'll find another fella. I could set you up with one of my friends. Oh, wait, I don't have any friends. I could set you up with Dad. Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg? I certainly would.

Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

I got your hat! Take that, hatless!

Let's say we're at someone else's store and there's a sign and it says, "Buy one, get one free."

- Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it. Hey, Meg. We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out. That makes you cool. Wanna hang out with us? - Sure. - Hey, I'm here to pick you up.

No. No.

Sassy! You've got me sweating above and below my ass. Let's go, lover. Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us.

Chris, what's the matter? You look upset. Mr. Herbert was saying terrible things about you. He said you liked Hitler, and your name isn't really Gutentag. Oh, Chris, you can't always believe what you hear. For example, everybody thinks that prostitution is illegal,

Uh-oh. FiRe! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry. I'll put it out. ahh!

Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Merry Christmas!

a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad, there's a reason that they call it dope. Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere.

Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey.

Honk, honk. "Stay out the way, you old bat!" Asian.

I thought I was actually connecting with people. Could there be anyone stupider than me? - Madonna? - Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid. That's something we can all agree on, right? - Absolutely, yeah. Francis? - Oh, major idiot. Major idiot. Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh! I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh?

(BRAKES SCREECHING) (PETER EXCLAIMING)

Okay, you got it? Okay, all right. No problem, all right. All right. Love you, too, Jilly bean. Okay. - What? - Nothing, I didn't say anything. I need a drink. (BEEPS) (IN DEEP VOICE) Hey, Jilly bean. Hey, it's Brian again.

I don't know. Looks like it might give me the kind of farts I get from eating Mexican food. (FARTS) (YELLING IN SPANISH) - (FIRES GUNS) - (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, do these pants look all right? Sometimes I put them on, and I'm thinking I look all-balls. No, I think you're good.

Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

Yeah, sorry, Brian. My psychic warned me you were gonna bite somebody, and I didn't want to see that happen. Okay, that's it. This psychic nonsense has gone way too far. What do you mean "nonsense"? Lois, there is no such thing as a person who is psychic. And though it's tempting to want to believe in something that brings you comfort, the reality is you're just being totally naive.

(PETER GROANS THROUGH HEADPHONES) Hold on. Oh, no. It sounds like they found Peter's wire.

That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!

From this day forth, I am James Woods. And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it. I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY)

All the great artists I knew took classes. Even Walt Disney? Do I, d-d-Do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school?

How's it going, Mr. Hitler? It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants. (LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming? It's coming, it's coming. There are some problems. We're having much better luck developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons. Oh, damn. Well, I guess we'll just let you get back to work.

- What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?

Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog.

Oh! What about him? He's gotta be in his 50s. So what do you think? I think you're very sensitive, and you put up a tough front. I think you're in pain.

Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

Stupid song.

CLEVELAND: No, sir. OFFICER: You getting smart with me, boy? Where'd you get them wheels? CLEVELAND: Come on, man. OFFICER: Step out of the car. CLEVELAND: But I ain't done nothing. OFFICER: Hands behind your back. CLEVELAND: Hey, easy, watch it! (SCUFFLING) OFFICER: Come on. Don't you fight me, boy! Get down on the ground! CLEVELAND: Come on! No! OFFICER: Hey! Get back here! (GUNSHOT) CLEVELAND: Ow! My arm! (PANTING)

What? Yeah, and I got to go to work now. So I hope he's not, like, hungry or nothing. This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal.

It's got flashing red lights! Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you.

(MUFFLED) Okay. Now, what else you got there? You got a stapler? Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, why don't you go ahead and stick that in your mouth, too.

And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up, because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

Isn't she a bit of terrific?

Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley and I've just established the Church of George Jefferson. Who wants to move on up? (CHATTERING) Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard?

The operation was a success. What are you gonna go by now? Peter. You know, Chris, we'll have to do something about that. But I don't wanna get rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug. I just wish I didn't have to look at it. We have to look at your anus all day. Thank you.

Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving. And, you know, I've seen you eat shit before, Brian. Yeah, mine! Is that really a huge distinction? It is to me! I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick! How messed up in the head are you that you would even ask? Look, okay, okay, just calm down, okay? We're not... We're just talking.

Dad, it's just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license. I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice.

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder? What the hell?

(SIGHING) (VACUUM CLEANER ROARING) (GROANING) (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)

Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am here today to talk to you about smoking. Oh, Please, Peter, do the right thing. I know a lot of you are already on my side.

Thanks, professor. You've been living a lie all these years.

I don't believe it! Sweetheart, it's you! You're back! QUAGMIRE: (SCREAMS) Damn it! I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry. I treated you so badly, but I hope you know it was only because I wasn't myself. I didn't just lose my memory. I lost my mind.

Mr. Quagmire, what does "hic-a- doo-la" mean? What does "hic-a-doo-la" mean? Why It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. It's cheering real loud for the home team! It's catching the perfect wave! It's obeying all the rules!

- So, how's it hanging? - Get out! Gotcha. Okay, everybody, tonight I've got a real treat for you. We've all seen your compilation video, Brian. Shatner singing Rocket Man, drunk Orson Welles doing that commercial, Sylvester Stallone in that porno,

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.

Mom, there's no water in the toilet. First ofall, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it, because everybody here just uses Elizabeth Hurley. All right, well, where is she? 'Cause I need her now! MALE T.V. HOST: You 're watching BBC FOUR. Previously on Condensation.

(CHUCKLES) Too bad we can't just torch the pharmacy. Aw, come on, no, we can't do that. That'd be like stealing from the insurance companies. It wouldn't be right. Oh, they're bastards. Last year, after I lost my beloved Muriel, our life insurance company refused to pay on her policy. They took what should have been a pleasant experience and made it into an ordeal!

No. It's not the same thing.

I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat.

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse. Look.

- Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois.

No!

I love the way he hits the jukebox to make it work. What is it, Mr. C? Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. Eh.

Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand.

Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING)

That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

You know, I gotta admit, Quagmire, despite all the problems, that joke is freaking hilarious. Where'd you hear it? Bruce told it to me. No way Bruce came up with that. Where'd he hear it? I don't know. Probably just around. I mean, where does any dirty joke come from? Hey, now, Joe's right. There's a million of them. They gotta be coming from somewhere. Somebody's got to be making these things up.

CHIRPY ANNOUNCER: Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family, Mama 's got more than she can handle with the in-la ws in town. DRAMATIC ANNOUNCER: A deadly fire could spell death for a honeymoon couple on an all-new Hotel.

(GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian! Don't ask me how he did it, but Jim Varney got the shotgun! Run for your life! What? Run!

Peter, do something! You know, Meg being captured by evil men reminds me of another story. It's distracting. Um, this is the story of my ancestor Nate Griffin. Of course, Nate Griffin was his slave name. His real name was Richard Bachman. And this is the story of his roots.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt. Tom, I don't think the government was requiring you to wear a suit. Well, they were stopping me from punching you in the face. Is that what you want? No, you know what? You know what? Give me your wallet. What? You heard me. I said, "Give me your wallet."

Well, sure. Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmm. No, thanks. I gotta get going. Oh, Don't make me beg, now. Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye. Get your fat ass back here.

We have one where some Italian backpackers have laid out every item of clothing they own on all of the beds. Perfect. Will my bunkmates be constantly talking about me in a foreign language? - Yes, they will, sir. - Oh, great. Uh, also, I'm going to have some mail delivered here, and I want it to sit in that box for four years. Oh, and what street is the bathroom on?

But, Peter, why would they make you President? Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.

Oh, my God, it's true! Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh! And I just laid in dog poop.

Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!

MAN: Oh, I can part the Red Sea. You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years? All right, listen up. Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right?

Peter, we've got to put that out! Ow, ow, ow, ow... I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes. These bluebeards still treat me like scum just 'cause I'm not loaded. I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room. Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow.

Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment. Well, What are we gonna do? I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

Let's go. But just for one night.

I mean, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? I'd love to. God, he works fast. Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket? Do you want to say 9:00? Sure. See you then.

(BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS)

All right! I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job. Well, There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on.

"It spun in. "There were no survivors." Who do I see about a Section 8? Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house! I don't even want to be a part of this family anymorE! MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back.

Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend.

And if it makes you feel better, it was money well spent. Just ask Sandra, the waitress over there.

Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we? I'll see you in the car. Hi, Diane. Oh, hi, Lois. How you doing?

All right, Lois, if that's what you want. Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00. I'm sure we can figure something out.

wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

Sorry I'm late, Lois. Okay, are we doing the swamp monster thing? Wait, if you're Daddy, then who... BOTH: (STAMMERING) Swamp monster!

Let's go, Stewie. Time to change your diaper. I'm not worried about high school at all. Worst-case scenario... I'll carve out a niche as the effeminate male friend of the popular girls.

and I am pretty darn proud of myself. You're right, Chris. I hooked up with a guy tonight, a high school guy, and I think maybe he'll call tomorrow. You may be disappointed.

Everyone, I got big news. We are going to be rich. Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house.

Will you please just listen to me for once? That man is bad news! I want him out of our house and out of our lives! All right. Look, I'll just give you A little something to help you relax. Now! Ok. Uh, Big Fat Paulie, there's something I gotta tell you. um...

No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter.

So be it. As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

What the hell was thaT?

Ahh!

Aloha. No way! Uh, uh, Hold on. I--I'm gonna take this in the other room. I got it! Hang up! You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding.

You bet he did, right before he died a very painful AIDS-related death from having unprotected sex with so many people. Excuse me, Hef, I got a plane to land. (NOTRE DAME VICTORY MARCH PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit? All right, let's do it! WEST: Well, if you're gonna do it, you're gonna need someone who's very good at disguise.

It's clean. It's clean funny! I just wish there was some way I could show them how wrong they are. Show them that we know comedy better than they do. Hey, I got an idea. What's the most consistently funny form of comedy in existence? Improv? Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv!

(IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

Oh, God! (COUGHING) Okay, you ready?

- Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then.

You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

Why are we stopping? (CHATTERS) Oh, come on.

Whoa. Easy, kid. These people paid good money to get in here. Oh, yeah? How much are you charging them to get out?

Uh, You got anything that might give him A little extra juice? You mean steroids?

Found it.

Oh, My God. We've lost him. If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked. Look, buddy. Just go in the pan. And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off. Hey, nurse? Nurse?

You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it!

- Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time. Meg, what the hell? I was watching that. It's time for Kirk Cameron. And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears....

I do, too! Peter, That was our emergency money,

Yeah, I know you think you are. Your softball chatter made that quite clear. Okay, that's two down, guys, two outs. Two out of the three outs required. Okay, guys, let's go. Tom Brady is a quarterback. Okay, heads up, two down. College football is on Saturday. Okay, come on, look alive. NBA players are predominantly black.

a freak!

OoH, We're a bunch of sneaky little animals. We're gonna wreck this food and eat it 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy. Let's get him in trouble with his dad. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Hello, darling

Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING) Oh, honey, we are so glad to have you back, but you really don't remember anything? Not really, Mom.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

It'll be fine. He'll just do a magazine cover with a wink to who he is, and all will be forgiven. Oh, Daddy. I know. If he's such a bad guy, why's he on a magazine?

So, you gonna introduce me to your pals? That's Trap Jaw, that's Optimus Prime, that's Destro, and that's a Care Bear. You having a tea party? No, we're working out a land deal.

What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose. Of course he was. He was the star. No, you're wrong. Look it up. I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge. - He was on the cover of... - No, no, no. - ...People magazine when the movie... - No, no. - Everyone knows... - No, no. - ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. - No, no, no! - It was a huge movie. He was the lead. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no...

You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors. That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?

PETER: ...the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Brian? Yeah? I don't feel so good. All right, that's it. We got to do something about this. We have got to get that record and destroy it. Just like that fat-person surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms.

Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES) In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles. Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.

It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Showtime! Welcome to the quahog Dog Show. Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits.

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?

Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll...

From this day forth, I am James Woods. And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it. I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY)

All right, I'll get in on that. Hey, I've already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen. That's an excellent idea. I like The Madness of King George. Well, I don't know what that is,

Well, I'm off to work at the brewery.

Mommy! Thank God you're home! Stewie, my baby! I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening. By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn.

Oh, my God! What do you think, boys? I'm walking on sunshine Whoa-oh Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire and his dad... His... His friend are coming over soon for dinner.

Okay, well, let's say 37. How about ethnicity? Yeah, he was Asian-American. Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean. Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean.

Shut up, Stewie.

"Follow your nose." Oh, i--I'm sorry. No, th-that was good. I just, i--i didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it. Well, how--How would you read it?

So, I found out I have a black ancestor. Is that right? Well, that's fantastic, Peter. Yeah, But see, the problem is I got no idea how to be black, you know, e-except for not smiling when I get my picture taken. Well, Peter. It sounds like you should go out and co-mingle amongst your newly-found brethren. You know, absorb the culture.

(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit.

That is, That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight. Oh, hello, Janet. Yes--Yes, you know Melinda. Yes, it seems she's, um... Oh, What did we figure out, dear? Was it--was it 1? No, 2. Yes, she's 2 weeks younger than you. Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt!

This is it. Hey, uh, h-How're you doing, kid? Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once.

(ARGUING) ALL: Ew! I farted during the murmuring. What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is. Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there. Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! Hey, That's mine, my-- Shaft. There might be a mineshaft under this library. My God, All these kids are looking at pornography! What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth?

What's wrong with Stewie? I think he has stage fright. I think he has stage fright, Peter. That's what I just said. I said that.

Okay, okay, who would you rather do? Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first, or Eddie Izzard in drag, but he has a working vagina? Would Eddie Izzard tell others about it? Eddie Izzard is very discreet. Then that's your answer.

Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons.

Welcome to the Historical Society Auction. Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. We'll start the bidding at $140,000. What a marvelous vessel. It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier".

You better hurry up and land. The last half hour, I've been having all pee dreams. All the scopes are dead! I can't see a thing! Sorry, that's me. I was still using an electronic device. Okay, that's much better. Now I can see the swamp... The swamp!

Why do we have to get me a suit here? Well, since you keep ruining them, I'm not going to buy you a brand-new one.

All right, this place isn't bad. Oh Yeah. Good music, real sports on the tube. I've never seen so many chicks in one place. Hey, hey. Check out those 2 hotties.

If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer. I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM) Look!

FEMALE VOICE: Oh, God! Nobody's touched me like that for so long. (MOANING EXCITEDLY) Oh, no! I think I hear my husband.

You know, I think I've finally done it. I think I've gotten over the loss of my home planet, Alderaan. I've finally moved on.

(CAR ALARM WAILING) Son of a bitch!

PETER: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Just me, sweetie. Oh, I didn't know you were home. What are you doing in the closet there? Um, wife things?

Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do....

Hello, I'm Brian Griffin. And I'm Stewie Griffin. A few years ago, we did an episode called "Viewer Mail" where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while.

And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you.

We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops. Hey, It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner. But Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." Hey, How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? How about that?

Oh. Hi, Angela, I'm Peter's friend, Glenn Quagmire. Thank you so much for having me in your home. And I would have had sex with you, but Peter neglected to tell me that you are a complete dumpster fire. Some friend, huh? Okay. All right, take it easy.

I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island.

All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. ThAnk you. HA, Thank you. Thank you. Ahem, Thank you. Ya, Thank you.

Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them!

(SINGING)

But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Mr. Griffin, are you ok? I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5. It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh!

(GUN CLICKS) Okay, now me. That's a stop sign! Anthony, you want to come with me?

Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ. It also means that this family is gonna start going to church again on Sundays.

- Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this.

Wow. Hey, what's going on over there?

You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills! Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?

No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie. You know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you. I'm a children's TV star now.

Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...

Mmm, smooth. I like what comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I like this, too. (EXCLAIMS) Starting to feel that. You know, I like hanging out with you, Brian.

It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed. Now, remember, Chris, we have to work together, so that our steps--

A heart attack? Yeah, you almost worked yourself right into the ground, buddy. It's all our fault. We never should have let you take on the pressure of being an adult. It's okay, Mom. Boy, I thought being a grown-up would be easier than being a kid, but it turned out it was just as hard. I guess what we all learned is that no matter who you are, or where you come from,

Chris, pay attention. I want you to-- All right, take a deep breath, Stewie. Cold! Cold! Ok. Ok. I'm fine. i'm fine. Ahh. Tell me, Dr. Hartman, do all the children fall in love with you?

A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing.

Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!

My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

Good. Uh, Roll over. Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here. Let's call it a night. Do you want to win this thing or not? We haven't even talked about how you'll wear your ears.

We are all gonna die! I can't believe this is happening.

Room service! We didn't order no room service. Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar. 'Cause, uh, The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers. All right, wise guy, who are you? Look, I'm just a faithful Catholic man with a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve.

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Hi, Daddy.

On an airplane?

I thought so. {MUSICAL RINGTONE PLA YING) Hey, yeah. You got to hit DVD and then menu and then select. Yeah. Yeah, the DVD needs to be face up when you put it in.

I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass!

You'll be larger than life I'll be proud you fell out of my wife You'll be known, far and wide like that princess who died I'm gonna make you famous

Oh, God, Peter. I hope Ben would forgive us for what we did. Look, we needed to eat, the same way birds need to fly.

No! Good-bye. Aw, Damn it! Oh.

Does that casual-looking shuttle have a code clearance? Well, it's an older code, sir. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) But it checks out. Wait a minute. Skywalker's on that ship. You can sense him? No, he's right there. They're not going for it, Chewie. Everybody, they're not going for it. This is failing.

All right, we're almost at our jumping altitude. Does anyone have any questions? Yeah, I got one. Can I listen to my iPod on the way down? Of course. Just as long as it's not Tom Petty's Free Fallin'. I'll just keep it in my pocket. Any other questions? Let's do this. That wasn't a question. Back of the line.

Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio hasn't worked here for four years.

Hey, Chris, get in here. Yeah, Dad? We are gonna find you a hobby. - What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck. Hey, Christopher. What you up to? Hi, Mr. Herbert.

"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. "Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back." (ALL CHATTERING) I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce extreme budget cutbacks having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue.

Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well.

Wait a minute. You know what? - I think you should play catch with Jake. - Really? Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.

This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter? Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know. I'd rather stay home and watch grass grow. Come on, you. Come on. Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it! You're not uncomfortable, are you? Look, I'm just not wild about the idea of running into anybody you used to date, that's all.

Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone. - Chris, just go! - Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go... (EMITS FARTING SOUND) Lois, don't worry about it. I got a bunch of great new shows lined up. STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant?

Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone. Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car.

Did Quagmire ever tell you he was obese as a child? Did Brian ever tell you he once had a tick on the back of his neck that he couldn't reach with his mouth,

Oh, God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not coming out.

I... I... I love you. I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.

Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What?

Just in case. Just in case what?

And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons? MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy.

Aw. So if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you. But--But I was gonna be a hero. Nobody's going anywhere! Joe, it's Peter! He's in trouble! A failed robbery at quahog Bank and Trust has led to a terrifying hostage situation.

That might work.

You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where.

Hey, that's a beautiful baby. Mind if I hold him? Go right ahead. Hey there, little fellow. What's that around your neck? Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone. Here's to fish.

Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers! I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em? Maybe someone in space.

But I.... You.... No more TV. Well, how about no more job? You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches? I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun. - We do everything together, fa? - Ja.

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa! Ugh! Ugh!

I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot! (ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

Lois, our problems are ovER!

Jeez. Oh, man! - What? What is it? - Look at this. The number-one book on The New York Times bestseller list is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore. This is why nobody bought my damn book. You know, this is what they want. The Secret. Chicken Soup for the Soul. The Purpose Driven Life.

I am gonna prepare for this as thoroughly as Ben Affleck prepares for a role. I got to be Henry VIII in 20 minutes. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Got it.

In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding. - Inbreeding? - Take a look! I started with one family of magic elves,

No way! You get to work with all these dead people? Hey, look, this guy's picking his nose. (LAUGHING) Look, now he's eating it! Chris! Knock it off! You're gonna get me in trouble! Meg, they're dead. Would you stop being so uptight? You're like one of those Asian-Americans who fought in Vietnam.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone!

And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this. So... You guys like to party? No!

(BELL RINGING) I think we have a wiener! (DONKEY BRAYING) And that's Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on 97.1. WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning. - FM. - Cool.

But no one else can friend me like you BOTH: A friendship is the best thing ever MILEY: Except for best friendship which is a little better STEWIE: You mean a lot better I mean a lot better

Coming up in this half hour, flies on your face: how many is too many?

Don't worry, Lois, we're the police and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl-Chris.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon. Stop right there! Get away from her! Peter? Who are you?

Yes. Yes, I could, couldn't I? I could hurt Mommy. Shame on us, Rupert. How dare we succumb to boredom while that wretched woman continues to breathe? She must be destroyed. With Lois out of the way, I could finally focus on my life's ambition of taking pictures of Madison County.

Who's got beer?

so I need you to stay in the car, okay? No joking around. All right, sir, sir, ma'am. I just need you to tell me clearly and calmly what happened. One at a time, please. The whore gets her stubby fingers... He puts cigars in his mouth... ...in my wallet! Larceny! ...and he becomes a different person! PETER: No freakin' way. Guys, I told you to wait in the car.

JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses. See you on the softball field. Over here is our kitchen, where we make all our meals.

Sorry. Man, these things never get 'em completely dry.

(WHOOPS) (SCREAMING) Thank you.

I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night. I think something may have happened. Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night,

Not this time, nancy-boy. Well, that was interesting. I also have My Giant with Billy Crystal. Oh, God, no, no. Well, we almost have enough signatures, thanks to Quahog's gay district.

Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at.

I've made up my mind about this.

There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there? (BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy?

All right, hang on. Here we go. This is the exact moment in 1984 that I sent you to the first time. You've just got to manage not to screw it up again. Lois! Oh, my God, it's so good to see you!

"Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'" It used to bay That you loved may But now it's nineteen-ninetay And I have to set you fray

That's better. I'd--I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin. Mmm-hmm. Smooth. I'd better go start dinner.

What are you doing going through my mail? You weren't planning on going somewhere with our $26, were you? Oh, For God's sake! I just had it renewed! What's the matter with you? Look here, You're obviously taking us for saps. But we're not. Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John?

Peter, what is it? What's going on out here?

No, no, No. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning.

(FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES)

Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

You can't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dirE. Go on. That's it. What the hell do you see in him?

Oh, my God, it's beautiful. My TV isn't here. Let's go home.

By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies! I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow. There's only one thing to do. We got to break it up.

The movie never ends ft goes on and on Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard!

(BEEPING) (RINGING) Hello? Hey, Dad, it's me.

Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? (EXCLAIMS)

Now, it is true her personality is abrasive. Slightly abrasive. But overall, Loretta is a delightful person, very pleasant to be around and free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment. I'm really concerned about Cleveland. What Loretta did was unforgivable.

Please, I beg you. Carter, what you did was unforgivable. And as beautiful as your words are, I just don't know that they can fix what's done. I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together.

(CLEVELAND BEEPING) CLEVELAND: You sure this is where we'll find Captain Solo? Yep, this is it. Corner of Tatooine Way and Martin Luther King Boulevard. Hi, Artoo! You wanna come play? CLEVELAND: Sure! Here I am on Tatooine Jumping Double Dutch like you never seen

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

(GASPS) Stewie! That's my name, don't wear it out. (GIGGLING) See, that's brand new to him.

We're not gonna die?

And Meg. Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.

a hat. And the other night, I had to do a... Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)

The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I? What's going on? Greetings, everyone. My name is Stewie Griffin. I've transported you all here against your will. I'm a huge fan, and you're going to answer all my questions.

Ha! Good point. Bottoms up! Take that, you lousy Brits!

What? What? Right here? What? Boys, I'm just wearing my regular glasses. I always wear these. MAN: That is crazy. Hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, he got it. He got it over there. The little guy got it. Who is that guy? I've never seen him around here before. How's it going, chief?

I hurt myself changing this tire!

Lois, Are you crazy? Yeah, me and Dad haven't missed a Gumbel 2 Gumbel yet. You're gonna miss this one, young man.

(LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though.

I didn't just lose my memory. I lost my mind. Clear! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Oh, my God, I meant say you're sorry, not take off your pants. Carter, what are you doing? Oh, my God! And now that I've made you aware of the misunderstanding, you're still continuing with it. Oh, my God! And I'm still watching. What's wrong with me? Oh, my God!

Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that?

DISPATCH: All units, we've got a domestic disturbance at Fifth and Maple. This is Officer Swanson responding, I'm on my way. All right, you guys, these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey, so I need you to stay in the car, okay? No joking around.

I'm gonna be on a cereal box. Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no! Now pay attention, Junior. You want to keep your shoulders straight and your knees bent,

I'm going to get some supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous. I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'! I'm going to get a floor mirror to squat over and see what's making all that noise. Okay, everybody just calm down. We're not going to go crazy spending our winnings, and we're not going to let this money change us.

Chris, you are not taking Peter's job. You're a 14-year-old boy, and you belong in school. Why, so I can get a job someday? I already have a job. Chris, we're not gonna allow you to do this. I seem to remember somebody saying the breadwinner makes the rules.

You're like a black woman in hindsight. I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.

Hai! "Peter who hasn't answered "because something has gone terribly wrong." LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you there? Now, let's go get that kid. (SIGHS) Okay, he's in the left upstairs bedroom. All right, you keep the car going in case there's trouble.

But, Peter, why would they make you President? Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Aw, just Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get.

My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? Wes. They must really want to keep her. Your second wish? I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. Done!

No! You bastards! (CRYING)

You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town!

Anyway, it's inevitable. Ah, Don't feel bad, Joe. I--I think I know why your son beat you.

(STAMMERING) It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I'm happy to help. What the hell is this? Peter, I've had it with all your shocking. And since you won't get rid of those pajamas, I'm getting rid of the carpets. Hey, Lois, you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, unicorn, something like that? No. I want it all gone, Glenn. All right, we're going Brazilian.

Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today. The biggest one the force has ever seen. That's great, Joe. You don't seem very excited. I mean, this is a huge deal for me.

Let me introduce my wife Helen. Damn it, Steve. You forgot to put out the cheese and crackers. Helen, don't start with me in front of our guests.

We found him working on a kick press. Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill? Yes! I want to work! I want my job back! But, Dad, you're retired. I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead.

Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

I mean, the guy on the show, he's already an adult, you know? So it's not like he's gonna grow into Bob Saget. It doesn't make sense. Thank you for your time. Well, what do you think?

Lois, are you feeling all right? I'm just a little seasick, that's all. STEWIE: Oh, my God! (CHUCKLES) Brian's eating it. Boy, that's a lot of puke, Lois. I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party. Your what? My bachelor party. What's that? You don't know what a bachelor party is?

My God, what did those drug dealers do to you? Oh, they took my chest out and threw it over there. Then they pulled my legs out and threw them over there. Brian, you're still watching TV?

Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth! "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. oh, And, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. Mayor west, You've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use For my articlE. Can you just pleasE--

No!

Look, I came as soon as Peter contacted my website. Let me just say, I'm all in favor of renaming the school after Dr. King. What? Wow! A big star and yet so humble. James Woods High School it remains. - What? - You can't be serious. Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.

What the hell are you doing? Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself.

Kids, do not listen to this man. He is wrong. He is feeding you lies. Now look, it's true you shouldn't have sex until you're ready. You should wait until you're in love. But, I mean, hey, we're all human, huh?

Once again, Ashlee Simpson. (BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) (CROWD CHEERING) MAN'S VOICE: Old Man River That Old Man River

Don't you worry, Scotty. We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need. Yeah, hang in there, buddy. When this is over, we can get some ice cream. Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you. They're gonna be sticking needles in you everywhere. You know, Peter, you were right, this is actually kind of a rush. I mean, look at us, we're like Thelma and Louise.

I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist. Get it? Tooth hurty?

(WIND HOWLING) Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened?

('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING) Wow! It looks like Michael Jackson's coming right at me. I say, we've been puttering around this fat farm for hours. I've had enough. Hey, Stewie, they got... Stewie? Oh, my God, he's gone.

Andy Dufresne, the man who crawled through a river of poop and came out clean on the other side.

You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, My God! It's Nate Griffin! Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.

Ah, Here, let me get it. Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead. Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no!

You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth, we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys! Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!

Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent.

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity. Okay. Well, he was on Growing Pains. I can't believe it. Everybody's gone. Well, people like that are always looking for the next voice to tell them what to do. And here I was, thinking I was making a difference.

There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking! (ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God!

I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter. But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan.

Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me.

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV!

All right, settle down. Good morning, class. Morning, Dad. Morning, Dad. We're going to need a few things for this class, an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge, but one thing we won't need is this.

Hey, where've I had another date.? You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer.

PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa, to Petoria, where First Lady, Lois Griffin, has graciously agreed to give us a tour of her country. Trisha. Thank you, Diane. So Mrs. Griffin, what's it like being the woman behind the man? Well, y'know, When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical.

Yeah. Shh. Shut up. You guys, shut up.

Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh? Yeah. hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry.

I'm really concerned about Cleveland. What Loretta did was unforgivable. I hope he doesn't go back to her. I hear you, Lois. You know, there might be a way to drive the point home that she hasn't changed. How would we do that? Hang on. Hey, Quagmire! Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What? You busy right now?

And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay. Boy, I bet Brian would love these pancakes.

Thanks for hanging out with my friends, Brian. Hey, come on, we're a legitimate couple, right? I should be able to talk with your friends. So, then the valet pulls up. and I'm all, "That is so not my car." but then it totally was.

(GRUNTS) (CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring. Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney.

Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility, Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail?

This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake?

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine? We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian.

My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement,

(ALL GROANING) What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme! And I'm Major Awesome! We're here to tell you how much the army kicks ass! Check this out! (MAN READING)

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes Gonna leave them both behind when we Tomaso all night

Get your eyesight fixed. Unless you don't have the balls. (THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish! Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery. What the hell? Where's my wallet? Crap, I must've dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert. Dropped it at the what? And where was I?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd, is she gonna make good on that promise? A broken promise is a lot like a child's pinwheel. You have to be yourself, or at least within the confines.

For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha!

How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words.

You know, I spent a month as Melanie Griffith's loose skin holder. Melanie! Melanie! Over here. You look beautiful. Can't hold on much longer. (ALL GASP) I should have stayed in bed.

No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom!

That leg is mostly pus.

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.

Well, I support you, Lois. I think it's great what you're doing. Yeah, it's great. You're treating your vagina like a Red Roof Inn. That's not how it is, Stewie. She's doing something wonderful for a couple who can't have their own children and are too egotistical to adopt. You know what's interesting about Lois' vagina, Brian? Everyone in this room has been in there except for you. You're the only one who doesn't know what it looks like.

You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed. Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

Okay, ready? One, two, three. Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds. (EXCLAIMS) No gravity.

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

That wasn't funny. That was just dark.

You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet.

(MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero,

Waiter, there's a dead guy in my-- Peter, you can't force-feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own. Why don't you get him a job or something? Whoa. Freeze-frame!

(CHOKING) I find your lack of faith disturbing.

I'm a broom. Ok. Ok. So how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised. Man, this is a great show.

So, do you think your school would be right for Chris?

You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine. Hello? Wh-Where is everybody? I'm--I'm the only brain cell left. Well, At least I have my books.

for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

So, how'd Susie like your video? I don't care about her anymore. I'm in love with Bryan Adams. Peter, I want you to promise me you'll never do anything that stupid again. Lois, after what you did for Joe, I'll promise you anything. How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand?

Yeah, you've got to dance. (LAUGHING) What are you doing, you tool? Do you know anything about science? You just saw me program it. (CRACKLING) What the hell, Stewie? It didn't work. Oh, that's odd. It appears there may still be a few more bugs to work out.

Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on?

Damn it, Steve. You forgot to put out the cheese and crackers. Helen, don't start with me in front of our guests. Do you think I like hitting you? I am sorry you had to see that. Look, sir, I really need to confess something to you.

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING)

The Bachelorette comes to Ouahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. But there will be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00.

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

(YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look.

I get it. Tap me, Quagmire, tap me! Quagmire went to the bank to donate sperm because it's a sperm bank. Yes, there you go. He's moving it forward. He's moving it forward. See, Peter? Now tap Peter. Hey, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims. It's me, John Wayne. Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet.

Ms. Clifton, over here! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Mrs. Griffin.

(PANTING) It's done. Got some dessert for you. You gotta be kidding me. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up. I do. I do like throw-up.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Peter, They were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself, not because they liked your jokes. Well, Maybe that was part of my act. Urine happens to be very edgy. But I guess an unfunny person like you wouldn't understand that. Ok, ok. I've got it. I've got it.

I suppose you're right. Nothing I can do. You know, why don't I just meet you home? I'm going to run some errands. - You sure you're okay? - I'm positive. Absolutely positive. Okay, our next young actress on the audition list is Karina Smirnoff.

I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

Pizza Parlor, huh? Yeah, the group loves this place. Oh, hey. This is fine. I like this place. It's... I'm a pizza dawg. So, how long have you been a member of the Rhode Island Society for Special Literary Excellence? Oh, no. I'm not a member. I'm their chaperone. Chaperone? Yeah. Uh-huh.

I just need to catch my breath. I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy. I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing.

Well, you made it, Peter. You're a big shot. In charge of a whole bunch of people. Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes, please. PEGGY: Yes, Mr. Griffin.

Oh, thanks, Lois. Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back?

Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons. We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site of the U.S. blockade. Tom. Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front, where the U.S. has cut off electricity, water, and gas to the tiny 4-bedroom republic. The situation is very tense and extremely dangerous. It's only a matter of time before, uh... Oh, my God! They've opened fire!

Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands.

'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older and I'm getting older, too That's right, Peter.

Hi, Chris. How was school? Not good. I got suspended for saying bad words. For God's sake!

What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day. None of them serve breakfast all day.

I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. I'm King Stewie! I rule with an iron fist! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Look at me! Ooh-ooh-ooh. In my office. Now.

(Brian) What do you think?

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive.

That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el.

Sure, that's what Canadian hospitality's all about. If you like, you can have all my money and my leg. Okay. (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke! Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore. Cigarettes are bad! Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice! It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air. And according to recent polls, air is good. Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother!

Wait a second. Give me that. "Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon "and drives the salmon upstream." I wrote that! You stole this from me. Hey, you didn't say I couldn't use it. But now you get to meet the President of the United States because of what I wrote. I bet you don't even know what his first name is. I... I don't know... Mike?

There he is. Crap. Daddy? What's going on here? Brian here has stolen something very important from me. Give it to me, Brian. Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, but he won't release it because it's not profitable. So I stole it. Daddy, is this true? Yeah. So what?

Oh, this is dreadful. I thought Carter and I were going to be so happy here. I'll tell you what, Babs, let me have a talk with him. Hey there, buddy. Go away! You know, you remind me of a guy I know. This guy worked and worked and never wanted to retire, even though it would've been the best thing for him.

(DOORBELL RINGS) - Hey, Carter. - Hello, Quandary. It's Quagmire. You looking for Peter? No, he's at work. Lame. Oh. Well, what do you want?

If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark. West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows

Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these. I don't need to. Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh? I just wanna make sure you got everything you need. - Hey, you like Pez? - Sure.

There's the Empire State Building! There's a hot-dog cart! Chris, don't spoil your appetite. New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. Not the "ho-ho" kind, but the "mm-mm" kind. Welcome to the Big Apple, fella. Yes, just Make sure there's a copy of the Wall Street Journal next to the changing table. And send a masseuse up. Legitimate!

(GRUNTS)

You're the filthy one. What do you say to that? Hmm? Aah! How dare you! Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert. Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no T.V.?

No charges will be filed against the employee but the dinner roll has been taken into police custody. I'd do her. Do her.

So, what exactly would you say qualifies you to work as a sumo wrestler? Oh, are you kiddin'? I'm a born athlete, just like Greg Louganis. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make "a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke?

Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

Hang in there, Dad. I'm gonna get you fixed up. You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You got to save him! Peter, you need to let go.

All right, what this is has no name, so you can't have it. (CHUCKLES) We got him. Halloween is fun.

Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope. The end. (CHUCKLES) Bravo, Chris! You have really tapped into the wonder and enchantment that is puppetry. Plus, I move these dolls and make like they're talking. Yes. Right. Thanks for showing me how to do it and being so nice to me, Mr. Gutentag.

Summer's here, and the time is right BOTH: For dancing in the street Dancing in Chicago Dancing in the street

Lois! Lois! LOIS! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Atta girl! Shake your money-maker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie.

Don't hear those crickets no more. (STRAINING) I'm not gonna make it. You hang in there, you hear me?

Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement. Ahem. Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors. - Amen! - Right on! Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could.

What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out.

Yeah! You're the coolest, Lando! Yeah. We never spontaneously broke into song and dance before you arrived. I'll never touch another toad again. None of us will. Yeah. I know I won't.

We did it. Job well done. And We're not stuck together anymore. Thank God! You said it. Do you Want to hold hands on the walk home? Yeah, sure.

What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

Ah, We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful.

I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now. It's ok. It's ok? It's ok to be betrayed by your wife and best friend? Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from. Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion.

And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. Mmm. ohh. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm... Mmm-mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Ohh.

How you girls doing on popcorn? I'll take some. Here you go.

Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are.

So you can fuck dogs? I'll print up for you what I have so far. Okay, I'm gonna go in there with her. You just sit out here and be quiet. Here, watch one of her movies or something.

Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime.

Oh. Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show, Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron. Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you, even in the worst of times. No, thanks.

Ok, everyone. Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead! Whoa! Heh. careful what you wish for, huh, LoIS?

make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what. Tomorrow you and I are gonna go out and get you some brand new outfits.

Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

(ANNOUNCER READING) ANNOUNCER: Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home in the Hills.

I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois!

to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore!

He's a family guy

Oh, my God, those kids are expecting a show. I'll handle this. (CROWD CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber.

Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson? JEFFERSON: Here. Benjamin Franklin? FRANKLIN: Here. John Footpenis? HANCOCK: It's Hancock now. Why? HANCOCK: Mind your business, that's why. Well, somehow this school needs to raise its test scores right away!

and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are. All right, hang on. Here we go.

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah!

So, Dylan, shouldn't you be in school?

(ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery.

What the hell is going on out there? Come on out, whoever you are! I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies! Peter, there's no one there. Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness.

Geez, Joe. Yeah, I come here a lot. All right, I'm gonna hit the john. Good. Me and Joe can stay here and tell secrets. I'm wearing my dead grandmother's panties.

we were all a little surprised you invited us over.

Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING) (DOORBELL RINGING)

So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up.

(OMINOUS MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) TOM: Good evening, I'm Michael Myers.

Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great.

'cause that's where the evil monkey lives. Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

His sweater was neatly folded on the grave... so we went back to the car...

Wow. This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead.

Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together. I wonder where we're going. Calm down!

Clear off the couch, kids. I'm gonna do your mother right here. But you guys might have to help stuff me in. Oh, my God, Peter!

Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

She must be destroyed. With Lois out of the way, I could finally focus on my life's ambition of taking pictures of Madison County. (SIGHS) Let's go back and take a bath. Yeah. How about you go back and take a bath?

Just A.B.c.

Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

Oh, great, and maybe we could slaughter a lamb and light it on fire so that it rains. Well, let's not go too fast. Listen, I'll see you later, okay? I've got to go sit in a circle with the other women and stare off into the fields. All right, you got a date. Yeah, I just hope it goes better than my last one. Wow, Joseph, that was great.

He's trying to get over the border! You think so? Definitely. There's only one road into Juarez, and it goes through El Paso. We got to get to El Paso. Joe, how do you know the area code for Juarez, Mexico? There was a stem cell doctor I went down there to see. He just rubbed, like, salsa on my legs.

All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to taking it slow? I have been taking it slow. We've been going out for three weeks and I haven't tried anything, even though she's been giving me some pretty strong signals. So, do you have any thoughts on what you might want to do tonight? Oh, I don't know. I don't know, Brian. You don't want to mess things up.

Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her!

(SNIFFING) - Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint. - What were you painting? - STEWIE: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! (STEWIE SCREAMING) Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party.

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee"

(PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Stewie! (CHUCKLES) Your kid got beat up by a baby girl!

Meg, let me tell you about popularity. Mrs. Canner? Are you coming? Bye! Ugh.

Goodbye, Cleveland.

Enough of this crap.

You okay, fat ass? She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show.

"Brookfield Insane Asylum"? (GASPING) Oh, my God! Mom's brother's crazy. Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup. Oh, wait a minute. It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you?

(JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach. And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious. So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh?

Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.

Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me? I used my nose, which I always forget about. Come on, let's go.

You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes. Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan.

but they can eat my ass,

Then I am a Jedi.

We're finished. We're never gonna get home. We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again. You got your pal Stewie. Great.

(IMITATING WAILING) MAN: Hey, could you keep that kid quiet? Oh, what's that? What's that, sir? What's that? I'm sorry, am I being too loud for you? You wanna come over here and quiet me down? - Let's not do this. - Oh, God. Stewie, come on. I'm scared.

And tell them you're a friend of Bill Maher's That's how you'll get to watch them pee In Canadian nudie bars Ah-ha-ha Ho-ho-ho Ha-ha-ha-ha Ohh A guy can get his hockey pucked In Canadian nudie bars Wow, that sounds amazing. It is.

My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie.

Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff. Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's!

Well, you're jumpy. So, did you hear all that noise last night? I swear to God it sounded like somebody had an accident and maybe somebody got hurt. What? What are you talking about? Something must have gone down. The cops were poking around. What do you mean? Like Joe? No. Staties, man. Staties. I wouldn't be surprised if there's something in the paper about it.

I forgot my purse. All right, All right, let's not panic.

So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats? Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room. Wow. This looks just like my room at home. Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends.

Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

And then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douche bags. Peter, we got to do something. You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler.

Okay, I'm on my way. He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous. I can't believe I actually touched him. I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Ouahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

And afterwards, we'll all hang out.

Merry Christmas, buddy. Ha! Wonder what this could be? Oh. This Christmas rocks! Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom? Aw, It's ok, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, Honey, you got a little something--

- But, Rita... - Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys.

It means you're becoming a man. But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call, like your father who shall remain namelesS. Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS!

Boy, you cannot wait to criticize her at every turn, can you? Go get her! Well, Lois, I am sorry for snapping at you earlier. You were right to criticize Meg. She could not even handle this simple task. She's in there right now, taking a nap underwater. For God's sake, save her!

And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful.

I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go.

My last beer. Here goes. I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. Oh, Oh God! What the hell?

A place where America's growing free and strong 'Cause when you come down to it, this is where We all belong Well, I got to tell you, I'm not buying any of this crap. Rush, we want our dog back.

They're gone now. How could this have happened?

Look, I was a teenage girl with a crush at one time myself. I know sometimes it makes you lose touch. Thanks for being so understanding. I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble. I mean, you're not gonna go to jail or anything, are you? No, I'll be around. I need these voice-over checks to support my gambling addiction.

I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter. (SIGHS) Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot. Now, if you'll just sign here. - Well, this is odd. - What? Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam. No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.

No! You bastards!

Standard. Left turn ahead. Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything.

And you brought a friend. Great. I'm his wife, Lois. We actually met the other day. Oh, sorry, I meet so many people. But there's really no way you could know that. Yeah, she's a housewife, she don't know. Whatever. You got booze in here? Is it me, or did she just make that weird? Please. It was definitely not you. Hey, is this shirt too tight?

They merely engaged in horseplay. Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys? Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations. Mom, I can handle Space Camp. I'm not stupid. Well, regardless, on the way back, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed. Peter, that was the University of Florida.

Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out. Really? I thought he hated you. How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card.

But I love our old house. You have to buy it back. It's too late For that. Our stuff is packed. It's on its way here. Come on, Lois, you'll love living in Newport. Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate. intimate. IntiMatE.

mmm. - Peter! - Oh, Sorry.

Hey, what are these hard things? M&Ms. I ran out of paprika.

I mean, you went from a black woman to a white woman without having to take that Hispanic-woman step in between. (ALL LAUGHING) Loretta! That's our answer! What do you mean? We've just got to go talk to Loretta. If we can get her back with Cleveland, Carolyn's all yours.

Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque. Ugly phoque and bitch.

It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell. It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma.

Ok, no secrets. I want to share Stewie and Olivia with the world. Well, They're awfully young. Is this really a good idea? It's a great idea. I've always dreamed of becoming an actress. But That's not why I'm pushing Olivia to do it. Is it suspicious that I that brought that up unprovoked?

No! You okay, fat ass? She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking.

Chris, have you ever seen your father do anything bad? Well, now that you mention it... Hey, Meg. Proud of you.

No light speed? No light speed.

I have no friends, and it's all because of this stupid purse! What did you do to my daughter? I swear to God, if you touched her-- Peter! Honey, what happened? Well, It was lunchtime and... I love the color of your Prada bag. Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch?

A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony!

Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.

No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man!

It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime.

Maybe we should go now. Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look!

The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that.

Hoisted by my own petard. I am so alone. Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool.

Mind-boggling, Chris. Barreling around the Earth at 5 miles per second, watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe. Peter, instead of wasting your free gas on a series of comedic stunts, why don't you use it more constructively?

we can win this thing. Who's in? Go, Spooner Street! My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once."

What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.

Oh, I almost forgot. That little girl is still missing. Do we have a picture? Do we... We... We don't? We don't have a picture? Okay, we don't have a picture. Okay. But she's... She's Puerto Rican. So look out for a Puerto Rican. MAN: We're clear.

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun. See you later. Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda. Yup.

A woman is not an object. Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

Hi, Connie. Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day about how much you liked High School Musical 2 so I burned you the soundtrack.

Hey, Son. Hey, Dad. Haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. But I got you a new baseball. Good. Our first catch of the day. Hey, go wait in the AT-AT. Now listen, since your mom's out of town and I have you for the weekend,

Oh, my God. You're so cute when you don't know what you're talking about. Now, wait a minute. What the hell does that mean? Are you saying I'm not smart? You don't have to be. You're adorable, like those calendars that have monkeys in clothes. Look, why don't we talk about this in the morning? I want to finish that book. Sweetie, since when do you wear reading glasses? What? These? I've had these forever. Honey, those aren't real. Sure, they are.

Okay, well, sperm is alive, and every time you masturbate, millions of them die, so is it wrong to kill sperm? Yes. Yes, it is. From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion.

Sure. Don't be ridiculous. I'll keep him company till you get back. Goodbye, Meg. Let's not play games. The other day you said I was attractive. Now, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God! Wow, this is so cool. I've never had a MILF come on to me before. Can I... Can I kiss you?

Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness. (FARTS LOUDLY)

Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. (DOOR BELL RINGS)

God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You can't hurt anyone anymore.

Murder? What are you talking about? You're going away for a long time, pal. Jimmy, what does he mean? Look, I honestly don't know what's going on here. Oh, really? Well, maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in the next room will refresh your memory. What do you mean? There's nothing in the next room.

(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER) (LASERS ZAPPING) All right, keep an eye out for Peter. He's oddly competitive at this stuff. Yeah, and he seems to be weirdly, physically fit at this place. Yeah, it's almost like he has unrealistic abilities when we play laser tag.

That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement. Everyone, Ricardo and I are getting married! Oh, that is terrific!

I mean, we haven't even referenced the fact that they're ducks or that they're handicapped, but the show is called Handiquacks. Uh-huh. Chris, can I see you in the kitchen? PETER: (WHISPERING) This is not working out. This is not working out at all. - CHRIS: Dad, Dad, look. She's trying. - PETER: No. No. CHRIS: She gets along with everybody.

My God, he's really dead. - This is it. - Yeah. But why hasn't the universe ceased to exist? I don't know. Unless there's still a chance of me being born. But da Vinci is dead. Yes, but we're still here.

Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces?

NEWS ANNOUNCER: This Sunday on Fox, it's the new hit comedy starring America's greatest actor,

Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing. We need a white guy work song.

I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are. Can't you get the money another way? Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea.

No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower! And I'm a boy! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

What do you say we make a little whoopee? Yeah, sure. Why not? (BOTH MOANING) You okay? I'm not hurting you, am I? No, I'm fine. What are you talking about? I just want to make sure you're comfortable. (BOTH MOANING) I love you, Brian. Sock it to me! What?

Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him. Here. Right-- Right this way. Watch your step.

Gentlemen, it's time for the first rose ceremony. Who gets to stay, and who takes the bus ride home... it's up to Brooke. Trevor. That's what Trevor's talking about. Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine? - Sure. - Hi, Jesus!

I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman. Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) And for the gentlemen? Yeah. Can I have this third thing down, please? Ah, very good, sir. And for you? (SPEAKING FRENCH)

All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah!

I need Hannah Montana tickets and I need them now! Never mind who this is! Can you get them or not? I guess I should dial something first. What's all the noise? What are you watching? Sorry. But you know the rules. Hannah can't do the photo shoot until Miley finishes her homework. You can't tell Hannah what to do. She's not your daughter. Wait. So, Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't?

Wink.

Stewie, just give me a beer. I've had a bad day. I cheated on that assignment. You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here. I totally reek, man. - Check this out. - Come on! Tell me that's not epic. You know, I didn't come back to college just to cheat my way through. I wanted to do it on my own. Will you relax? Plenty of people cheat.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing? I was hungry. You want one? You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!

Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you. You're my sister. I know. Somehow, I've always known. You have? Did you know when you kissed me on Hoth? Yeah. Well, that's pretty weird!

Is that it? Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement.

So what brings you to Kentucky? I'm visiting my family. Ah, family man. Me? Single and ready to mingle.

Hello? Oh, hi, Angela. Hang on. Peter, it's your boss! I don't want to talk to her. She's gonna harass me. Oh, don't be such a baby! I'm sorry, Angela, Peter can't talk. He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture. What? (LAUGHS) He's writing your name in the shower door fog with his penis.

And even if they do, just ignore them. That's what I do with that weekend bully. Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.

Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas.

And I didn't. Joe couldn't come. So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend. You come out here right now! PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games!

This is Rob, our director. Hey, Brian. Really looking forward to making your show. What's with all those empty seats? Well, that's where the audience is gonna sit. Audience? This isn't a sitcom. It's a drama. Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom.

Peter, it doesn't work... I have spoken!

Good night. Dog? Yeah? hmm. If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

And I can't rent movies anymore. Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State. Okay, I'll just need a picture ID. Oh, I don't have one. I'll rent it then. (GASPING)

Ahh!

I'm gonna show you what a man you really are. Now, let's go put your penis on.

You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!

What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian? Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate. Peter, you don't know karate. And stay away from Muffy. She's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father,

Horsey, you saved my life.

And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell

She's the jerk. All right, come on in, everybody. Have a seat anywhere. Meg's gonna open her presents in a little bit. Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it.

We just came by because there's something Peter would like to say to Kyle. - Go on. - Sorry. Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry. Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted. - Good. Now why don't you patch things up with Mr. Griffin by showing him your LEGOs, hmm?

Hey, Chris. Hey, Dad! I'm working! I'm-- Ow! Careful, Chris, you don't get dental for 60 days.

I've got you in the sleeper hold! As I you. Your attempts to escape are... futile.

Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. And I'm sorry I have no talent.

What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris. Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang.

Yeah, she looks worse than Andy Garcia when he had his conjoined twin. I had a great time with you tonight. You're really amazing. Thanks, Andy. I had a great time, too. Hey. How about some love for shoulder guy over here? Shoulder guy wants to get in on this. Just ignore him. Okay.

I don't believe it. Are we really stuck in space? Oh, God, what if we have to live up here for the rest of our lives? I'm gonna miss drinking at The Clam. I'll tell you what I won't miss. That waiter who thinks he has to be funny. Yes, I'd like the chopped salad, please. And could I get no onions on that? Hmm. I've got a few connections in the back. I'll see what I can do. Yeah, that's funny.

(SOBBING) Meg, are you ready? Sweetie, what's wrong?

- Do you mean "yes"? - Yes. Okay, one kid's meal. And what'll you have, honey? I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka. Oh, he's adorable. Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy.

Right, okay, I'll have a Mr. Whip-o Bar, a Kooky Nut Pop, some Jim 'n M's, a Zip Zap, a Choco Buddy, a $64,000 Bar, a Notafinger and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disc. God, I hate television.

Hi, Lois. (GASPS) Hello, O.J. Anything I can do to help make dinner? Sure. You can take the lasagna out of the oven. You got it.

It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. He just needs to find himself. He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow!

You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now.

Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules.

I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English.

I need 40. Ben, Hope, please,

Well, that's it. Three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets. Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets. Is this another test? Yes. These aren't the real lottery tickets, either. These are the real lottery tickets.

If you freeze up his money, he's not gonna have anything to live on.

Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it? - Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours? - What? What? 'Cause I had an idea. - Remember when we first got married... - And I said, "I wonder what it would be like to be a bear"? No, no, no. I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter.

That's an excellent idea. I like The Madness of King George. Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture. And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing. Hey, shut up!

That is kind of a tongue twister. It's good to have you home, Peter.

Oh, my God, Brian... You're gonna live! (INDISTINCT, HAPPY TALKING) Oh, I love you! I love you!

All right, all We've got to do is find the American Embassy and They'll help us get home. Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog. Oh, You're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm.

He couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short They feared him from Kilpatrick down to Galway Bay Port Luckily he found a wife so he could have sex The non-masturbatin' Tyrannosaurus rex Okay, look, tempers are starting to get a little heated,

Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family. Check out my bulging rippliness. Peter, you've been to the gym once for 15 minutes. And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me,

You went to see that psychic again?

What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it! Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun herE.

Drive. Any particular direction? That way.

(BOTH SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project. Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you? Who cares? You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door, you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep.

Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged,

(GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward.

Oh, You don't have an eye spliced in this mooring line. Here, I'll just tie a bowline in there and make one for you. That should hold her.

Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA! All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the Old West, where brave pioneers survived against long odds.

(LUCK BE A LADY PLAYING) Luck be a lady tonight

How do you think it works? I have no idea. Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me. All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out. What's that big back part? Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing.

Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days the only reason I hung out with you guys is that I was crippled and you were lazy. I decided it's time I got some friends more suited to my status. But, Joe, we've been friends for years. Hey, we all make mistakes. Come on, dudes, let's go exercise.

um, we should probably go find out what's keeping Quagmire.

Oh, God! That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane. Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH) Yo, yo! What's up, James Woods High?

There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train?

Yes, sir. Right over there. Hold this. Want a breath mint? (LAUGHING) Breath mint. I ad-libbed that line. Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor. Should we go upstairs?

All I'm saying is that in the episode "Relics," when Scotty rematerialized on the Jenolen, he referenced Captain Kirk still being alive, which is ridiculous because he knew he watched him die on the Enterprise B in Star Trek: Generations. There's a perfectly simple explanation. He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation,

Isn't this fun, Peter? You and I get to stay in my old high-school room. Wow. This looks just like my room at home. Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends. That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen.

hey, Mom, I got something to add to my Christmas list. A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes. Not costume, real. Maybe you should write that down? Honey, Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy. I just want peace on Earth.

All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom! This is taking forever! Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast Animals, Slow Children.

God, ain't that the truth? Where is your father and Chris? It's not like them to be late for lunch. Mmm, I think they left a note.

so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why?

So she dumped you, huh? Ah, The hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

It's just that sometimes I feel like I don't even know Joe anymore. It's like I've become a different person, and so has he.

(BLEATING)

Get out of my dreams get into my car get out of my dreams get in the backseat, baby

Oh, my God! I'm missing the news! We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient. And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. - Really? 64? - Yes. Now I thought she was dead. Nope. She's alive. Fantastic! And now this.

"If you've got a problem, take it up with my butt. "He's the only one that gives a crap." - Oh, my God! That's it. - Yeah. That's the one. I thought you'd like... You are... LOIS: Peter, dinner. Take it up with my butt, 'cause he's the only one who gives a crap. LOIS: Wow, what a great sentence.

In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT.

Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay?

That girl is nothing but trouble. Are you gonna tell Chris? I guess I'll have to, but he doesn't take bad news very well. Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died. (HISSING) (SCREAMING)

If she's not found within 96 hours, chances are she's gone forever.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) Mom! Look at the nativity scene.

(STUTTERING) Can you not? I just took a bunch of random stuff I found in my medicine cabinet,

I have a Young Republicans meeting after school. You wanna come?

Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one? Hey, Can someone fluff Paul? He's got, like, a windsock thing going on. So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Look, Zack, i'm--I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this.

They're after me Lucky Charms!

Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? Yes! Thank you!

Boobies! Peter? Do it.

Oh, by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my teacher gave you something to sign to get him kicked out. Hey, Chris! There's my big, smart son. My special guy, my Chrissy.

I can't believe we're actually going to New York. Dad, you don't really have to do this. Yes, I do! No boy of mine is gonna get booted out of the Scouts. What the hell do you think you're doing? Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt. So I don't get hurt.

You have to bring your friends out here with you to do your dirty work? What... (STAMMERING) What do you mean, Jeff? You're gonna kill me, is that it? JEFF: Uh-uh! Not unless you want your friend's brains all over the place! Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay?

I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can...

Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work? What? Planes? How does a plane work? Yeah. You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works? I don't know. Yeah. You want to maybe just go? Quagmire, come on! I'm really trying hard here. Who asked you to try hard? Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you.

I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history, and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years.

I'm a monster!

Well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television, and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it. See, yeah, I'm not quite... We can't do this over the phone. You're gonna have to come over. I can't come over. We're still on the run, because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.

Gosh! I guess I finally understand-- ArgH! Ugh! Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes. Oh, Seeing her kiss you like that just made me crazy. Well, i--I guess we're just gonna have to learn to control our jealousy,

Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread. Well, then go live at Bonnie's house. Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m. My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter.

- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever,

(GROANING)

Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty. Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure. Can I have it, even though it's dinnertime? Sure, Chris. "Drink Ensure as a meal, or in-between meals.

Hey, you, porker. Yes, I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort. Hey, you, drunkie. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm-- Ahh!

No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him. I'll do it, I'll be James Woods. From this day forth, I am James Woods. And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it. I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts.

Oh, uh, huh, Hey, Cleveland.

Sorry I'm late. Can I still apply for the job? My God, I haven't been this exhilarated since Brian took me to see Les Miserables. HOST: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. There will he a slight change in the cast tonight. Oh, no.

But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all! Let's go home.

I don't feel anything! Now she knows how I felt when I was at her piano recital. No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime.

As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.

Now, you. Then I tried teaching him how to get out of paying a check. Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis.

Great shot, Cleveland Jr. Thanks, Mr. Drummond. Listen, For, uh, for today, can you--can you switch and call me Mr. Papadapolis? You got it!

(ANNOUNCER READING) (ANNOUNCER READING)

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm...

Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

I love you, Dad, and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg. (ALL GASP) I don't believe it! Peter, you talked! Shut up, Meg.

I don't think we have much in common.

aah! Meg, honey, are you ok?

Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition, Stephanie Griffin.

Oh, my God! It's a chick!

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial.

Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music,

You're not wearing glasses. Yeah, they got busted. I'm wearing contacts. I can see your eyes and your eyelashes! They're beautiful! Who cares? What gives?

I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.

What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself--

And I love weed. My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist. My name is Amanda. And my water just broke. Oh, my God! Yo, it's my turn to deliver. Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away.

I haven't seen him like this since he saw that Rocky Dennis movie. Take off the mask! That's your problem! Right? That's it, Brian. He's not here. None of these bears are Rupert. Stewie...

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital.

You like that, Stewie? You like Anne Murray's music? I must.

Mmm. That was incredible, Kevin. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad? Did I say you could rest yet?

Quick, get the parachutes! There are no parachutes! All I could find was this! A raft? We're not sinking. We're crashing!

"Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP. HEy, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake? I--I can't. Group therapy, 2:00. Oh, Man, I peeked in on one of those. It was more boring than when I was a security guard for George Harrison.

Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants! You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it.

KEVIN: Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. But I can't say the same for my bunkmates. There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. So that was my chance to disappear. So I left.

No. No, that--that-- That's Not fair! that's not fair! There was time now! It's not fair!

Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?

Oh, hold on. Hold on. Honey, let's get all the kids in this. Look, I know kids. And this story's gonna put them to sleep. Meg needs something that's gonna pull those kids away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and their Spirographs,

Lucky there 's a family guy

I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover. Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway.

Your test results came back negative. It appears the lump in your breast is not black gross boob death. Breast cancer? That's the layman's term, yes.

Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night.

Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey, Brian. Ha! Damn right, ha.

I saw an ad for a used car that would be perfect. Oh, No, Lois. A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes.

d-do me the honor of, uh... I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.

He's ok! Thank God!

That's why I'll never opt for the matrimonial condition. It wouldn't be fair to the historical framework of the institution. But for those who do, and then turn their back on its long-standing convictions? Shame! This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome. Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut. Actually, you know something, Peter,

Would you excuse us? Is it true, Billy? Do you really miss me? Joanne, I am so sorry. I promise I'll do better. You know what? I had to live on the land to learn there might be a million fish in the sea, but there's only one you. Oh, Billy.

I dozed off during the verdict.

Oh, boy, Lois! It's a real mess down there.

He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God! Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man?

No! It can't be!

Well, Look at you there.

Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake!

Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches? Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game.

Deal. He can go. Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

A land where a man is paid a wage he can live on. A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck. All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive. That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

PETER: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over. All right, did you get the parking validated?

(IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny.

I had to live on the land to learn there might be a million fish in the sea, but there's only one you. Oh, Billy. Aw, look at that. That's nice. Oh, cool, they're already using my garbage!

Wait, Peter. There's something you should know. I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but I got remarried. What? It was a very difficult time and he was there for us. What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian.

Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke!

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins. Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you?

Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right. Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license. Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time.

Road House. Road House. Road House.

so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.

(HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) Oh, I give you my... Oh, sorry. I didn't realize somebody was in here... What the hell? Oh, hello, Brian.

(HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like.

What the hell was it for? I bought some local TV airtime, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance. Thank you. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. You know, there's an issue facing many Americans today that I know concerns a great number of us. According to Gallup polls, one in 12 Americans is unaware that the bird is the word.

(CHUCKLES) Joe, look. You know, after 40 years in my line of work, I've learned the difference between true love and doing the entire bowling team of a pizza restaurant on a box spring by a brook. This is true love. Hey, what's our last name again?

He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah! If he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it.

- Is he under 40? - No. - Over 40? - Yes. - On television? - Yes. - On television now? - No. - In the past 20 years? - Yes. Is it Richard Mulligan? Yes! Up until now, we've been fighting Bertram on his terms. Whoa, easy. Easy, girl. Easy, easy, easy. But I propose an invasion. We've got to fight him over there by the swing set so we don't have to fight him here at the sandbox.

This is a bad time. Maybe I'll just come back. WHo am I kidding? I'll never get hER. Not with that attitude. Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson, and he was one of them toe-tapping Burgermeisters. You've gotta find a way to make it happen.

Meg, you were right. Oh, my God! A genie! I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat!

I like the swimming pool with a bar in it,

By Christmas, you and I are gonna be richer than Bob Saget. So you wanna grab something to eat? Sure. - You ever ride in a limo? - No. Well, how about Full House buys you a ride in a limo, and America's Funniest Home Videos buys you a shrimp cocktail?

Well, because you're my agent. Oh, my God, you're right! I am! Hey, hold on now. You came out here to be my agent. Tom, relax, I can take care of you both. You'd be surprised how much I can handle.

Oh, God, that feels so much better. You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat. (CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya! Hey... Hey, everyone. I'm sensing a lot of negativity here. What's going on?

Peter, enough with the storytelling. We gotta get outta here! They're gonna kill Meg! Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body. Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter. If we angle it through the vent, we might be able to alert the authorities. Oh, my God! We're gonna drown!

Oh, you are just the worst type of person. Dad, what are we doing here? Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus.

It's gonna be five grand to fix it. Oh, that's just perfect. I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see. Anyone got more happy news? I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget.

Let's live it up I got my money Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse. Would you excuse me a second? Okay, I'm back. Here we come, here we go We gotta rock

Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em. You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it.

It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Was that for Party oF 5, too? No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party oF 5?

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

I better take my shirt off. (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

Oh, Give it to her good, old man!

What's this? What the hell... Where the hell did this come from? What is it, Brian? It's the first thing I ever wrote.

"Me, big American man." My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Now, let's go. VENDOR: Butt scratcher! Get your butt scratcher here! Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm gonna be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd? I think that they're gonna have,

Okay, quiet, everyone. She's coming up the walk now.

You're doing a great job, Muriel, and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren. And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

Say 'how do' to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville. Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War! Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain.

I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell. It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma.

Anyway, the point is, may Chaim and Sarah have many wonderful years together. Amen.

and you're in a pillowcase. You're out of your mind. Brian's young. And I'm gonna prove it to you.

Peter Griffin. Thanks for reading.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix. Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah!

Oh, Peter, you've got some pretty cool albums here. Yeah, well, I was one cool potato back in the day. You know, some of these might actually be worth something. Look at this... Beatles, Rolling Stones. Oh, my God, I haven't seen this one in forever. Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter?

it's the Jolly Farm Revue marathon. No, no, don't switch it. I want to watch Jolly Farm. Son of a bitch. I got to spend the rest of the day watching stupid kid shows. I'd rather watch paint dry.

I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone!

Look at all the women fishing for compliments on their side dishes. Is my potato salad too bland? Oh, no. It's got so much zing. But I feel like my gazpacho is too thick. Are you kidding? It's refreshing and filling. You know, next time I'd put paprika in the potato salad, and maybe add an extra tomato to thin out the gazpacho,

Ahh! All right, all We've got to do is find the American Embassy and They'll help us get home. Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog. Oh, You're right here, aren't you?

I'm gonna squeeze right in here, if my thighs will let me. (LAUGHING)

Peter, how could you sell our house in quahog without even asking me? Aw, Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, Like diamonds.

excuse me, war hero Thanksgiving touch football. (APPLAUDING) - Yeah! U.S.A.! I didn't even know there was a war.

Peter wheel make you go. Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair. For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING) Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea.

Honey, those aren't real. Sure, they are. No, they're not. I can see the little Austin Powers logo on the side. What are you talking about? These are my glasses. (AUSTIN POWERS THEME PLAYING) AUSTIN POWERS: Yeah, baby! All right, I can't do this! Can't do what? I can't date someone who's smarter than I am. I feel like Jillian. Oh!

It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?

The chair recognizes your mustache. Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month, as it is the 70th birthday of his mustache? Oh, I think we just send a nice card. Just make sure it has a mustache on it. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. What can we, as citizens, do about mustache awareness? Good mustache question. We have a new product in our mustache catalog that makes a great stocking stuffer.

You're not bein' creative. You're just destroyin' a wonderful show. Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m. The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you've turned my show into. I think my work will speak for itselF.

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here?

Maybe we should go now. Aw, Jeez! Out of gas? Hey, Dad, look! WeLl, Howdy, strangers.

Hey, Swanson, the boss is getting impatient. He wants his money. He says after we're done with you, you're gonna be eating... Swanson TV... TV... Wait. - Wait, what did he say? - What? What did the boss say? He said something funny, and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was. - Oh, you know what it was? - What? You know what it was?

Hmm, Instant stuffing or instant mashed potatoes?

I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to. Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? (ALL YELLING)

I'm through listening to you. Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt. MAN: Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on The Family Man! - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? CAROL: What? MAN: I forget. And besides, Brian, the evidence is all right in front of your nose. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious, New Brian.

Oh, And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby. What are they up to? Well, Cleveland and Quagmire are holding their positions, but I haven't seen Joe all day. FreezE! Dad?

Very good, Peter. That's true.

Now, remember, Peter, we're going to be right here in the van if anything goes wrong. Just try to get O.J. talking about the murders. Do you think he'd be offended if I asked him to sign this basketball? Yeah, I think he'd be very offended. QUAGMIRE: Oh!

I understand. Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God! Is this what you're looking for?

We'll be closing in 2 minutes. Oh, I could never choose. I love all my children equally. It's hard enough having Stewie all the way in Palm Springs visiting Grammy and Grandpa.

Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smoking was bad, but--but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart? Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now!

(QUIVERING) (SCREAMING) Chris, what happened to the couch? Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!" Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat.

Oh! Oh! Ahh!

(LAUGHING)

Wait a second. Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar. And there's a naked priest sitting there. And he... Oh, sorry, Father. No, I've heard them all.

STEWIE: Hmm. I think I have time for a quickie. (MACHINE BEEPING) (WHIRRING) Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way.

That nose better be piggy. - Shut up. - You shut up.

The riddle is this. A father and his son are in a car crash.

Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton... Shut the fuck up. Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? (ALL GASP) Oh, about the... (STUTTERING) The... The pie! The pie we're all gonna make for you for being such a great guy. Oh, my God, that sounds awesome.

What the hell was that? My catchphrase. You don't have a catchphrase. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Why you gotta say like that? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) Excuse me. Would anyone like to play Stratego? I have Stratego. Oh, Peter, I never meant for this to happen.

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. (EXCLAIMS) It's not really my cup of tea. Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid.

And now the real reason to have an HDTV.

What the hell do you see in him? Peter, where are you going? Lois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face. But Now that I've been given another chance, I'm gonna do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing. I'm gonna jump off this building. Could you repeat that, please, Peter? I believe I had something crazy in my ear. Wai--wait, Hold the phone.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Mark Wahlberg in Annoyed and Confused. What? What's going on? I don't get it. Man, I got to work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh? What?

Hey, Hey, softball this afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake.

Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months! What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

(YELLING)

Just what we need, another girl. You said it! Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her... ...and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis. Lois, what you reading?

Hey, how are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it. Maybe the two of us could.... You know what? I don't care. You're a bitch.

That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.

(ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

He's the whole reason I'm here. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son!

sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight. Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter. Well, that's great, Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.

Well, all right. Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg. (LAUGHING) You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team.

Take a look. PETER: "Hey, I got a great idea. Let's kill six million Jews." CARTER: "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?"

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping. And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over?

Peter, I don't think it's working. People are still going into the store. Well, fine, then I guess I gotta go in there and drag them out one by one. All right, who the hell is in charge... (EXCLAIMS) What is that I'm feeling? That's our industrial-sized air conditioner.

Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna give your dad an entrance? Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. Guys, watch this. (MUSIC PLAYING) Are you ready, boots? Start walkin'!

Oh, Peter. Lois.

There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for. (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Okay, I wanna say "who." Oh, boy. Fantastic Four. Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas. Is it "what?" That's right. You win, Peter. You did it. Oh, my God! I won. I won!

Because that was a national tragedy. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy. Whatever. It's just weird, you know? I mean, you're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun. Well, that's why I keep it here, where it's safe. That doesn't make any sense. Why have it if you're not gonna use it?

No. No. I no can clean. Shit. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed.

I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man. You mean diorama? Uh-oh. Hey, Lois, I got your pregnancy test. What the hell you need this for? I need it because I think I might be pregnant. What? My God, are you sure it's yours? Lois pregnant?

Poor Bonnie. She deserves so much better than me. God, she must regret this marriage. If only there was some way for me to walk again.

What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out ofjuice over here.

Sadly, "Black-Eye" Griffin's voice just wasn't right for the talking pictures.

(ALARM BLARING) Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here. What are you trying to do? Once I locate the proper code sequence, this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid. Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims.

Open this door! Open it, I say!

I do, though. I have it memorized. Wait a second. I don't want this guy anywhere near this show! He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my God. That's an episode!

You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that. Thank you, Lois. I mean, he jumped into that lake to try and save your life, and he's eight years old, Peter. Eight! That's 56 in human years! Okay, Lois.

MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh! Kent told me he's gay, and even worse, he likes Chris! Oh, wow, I'm really sorry to hear that, Meg. I don't get it. I've been going to high school with him for three years, and I always assumed he was straight. Well, high school's a tough time, Meg. Maybe he thought he was straight, but then realized he's gay.

Now's your chance to be alone with Dad. Are you nuts? I'm not attracted to Dad. Tell him you don't want to be in Scouts. Oh, Thanks, Meg. Yipes. Hey, Dad, um, can I come? How about it, Lenny? What the hey? The more the merrier. Now get the hell out of here, you nut,

Peter, They were laughing at you because it looked like you peed yourself,

we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center. Is anyone in the area? Wait a minute. That's where Peter's AA meeting is. This is Officer Swanson. I'm on it. (TIRES SCREECHING) So I clicked on it, and the girl's got a bigger wang than I got. No way! No way, right?

Uh, Yeah.

And, in other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school, was killed last night when his motorcycle careened off Dead Man's Curve. Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene. But they decided it was best not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives. I'm so proud of you. Oh, Daddy, thank you so much.

He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever.

I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please?

Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there? Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier?

only to find out that none of it really happened... I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride. I don't know, man. I think you piss a lot of people off that way. Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid...

Great. Why don't you come down to the station around 6:00? You can watch the broadcast. Okay. I'll see you then. Oh, wait, wait. BILF. Total BILF. Yeah, so, going pretty good. I got six pacifiers now. That was a big nothing.

I say, it's like the spice rack in my fantasy kitchEN. Hold on, little fella. This is just for big people. Why don't you come back in about, oh, 17 years? B-b-But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only 2 years and-- Blast!

Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin. But you came through it beautifully. Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. I love you no matter what size you are. Although, I got to admit, I'm gonna miss eating cereal out of the dimples on your ass.

So, we really were meant to be friends. I guess you were, yes. So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there?

Look, at least promise me you won't drink.

How's it going? Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous.

(CRYING) Oh, come on! It'll be great. Listen, Glenn, I want us to be friends. I think we could be an even better team than Lewis and Clark and the guy who likes to rip up maps. All right, the Northwest Passage. Hey, could I see that?

Oh, my God! You can talk!

Hey! That was my wife!

It is so hot out there! How hot is it? Oh, I don't know. Like, around 98, 99. I don't get it. Ew, I think I'm a little sweaty. You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one? That's Meg, dude. You know that.

Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity. All right, here they come! (BUZZING) Okay. Okay, they're on there. Let's just... Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off!

Not exactly. All right, look. Let's try some role-playing. I'll be Mark, And you ask me out to th-the box social, or whatever the devil it is you children do these days. Peter, don't! God, your hands are like ice! Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, That'll warm it up a little.

Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew. You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything. Anything! Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob.

Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family. yes We do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. It's almost their bedtime. State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl.

Wow! Who's the celebrity? I'll give you a hint. Famous football player. Had a bit part in Roots. Couple of great scenes in The Towering Inferno. Wait a minute. Chuck Connors? He was a basketball player and he was in Roots. Yeah, he wasn't in The Towering Inferno, you dumb beaver. What? I didn't say nothing.

What? Yeah, what the hell? You should be out there arresting the real criminals. Like switchblade-wielding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk. Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?

LOIS: Brian, is Stewie in there with you? Mom! We're in here, Lois. He's napping. Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in. (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Get in there! Hold still, Stewie! (BOTH GRUNTING)

In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!

Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna take the casserole out of the oven. Okay, it's a little burned. No reason to panic. (CAR SCREECHING TO HALT) (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) Oh, God, that's Daddy. He's home early. Let-Let's get some spices in here and fix this.

oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night? Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. Oh, man, As soon as We got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. - Shut the smurf up! - Yeah! Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf yeah! Oh, That is freaking smurf. You smurf it.

MAN: Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on The Family Man! - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? CAROL: What? MAN: I forget.

Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you. I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest. Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite.

Lois says Stewie's been getting a little chunky. Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight. This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat.

Hey. Hey.

Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."

Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it!

(BOTH SNORING)

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.

(ALARM WAILING) (MAN SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Well, it sounds like I'm needed outside.

Oh, Thanks. And, uh, And, you know, drop dead.

Oh! Oh, God! I just threw up in his lung! Look, I know it's gross, but when y-you're desperate and you're staring death in the face, you have no other choice but to-- Oh, There's a Comfort Inn. Really? Yeah. Good luck for us, huh? You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

I'll say. Peter, is that... Are you... Molly Ringwald? Yeah. How's it going? Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here? Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys. Lucky for me, huh? No, a hobby's good. All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already?

Peter, for God's sake, you're always an embarrassment at the table. You should've seen him when we had dinner with Paul McCartney's ex-wife. He kept playing footsie with her under the table. (GIGGLING) (WOOD CLATTERING) Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

(SCREAMING)

Cleveland's old house. Perfect! Damn, no toilet paper. - Hey, Joe, can I borrow this? - JOE: Sure.

Lois, what's goin' on? I'm what's goin' on, Peter. I got highlights, I went shopping, and I had my... So it's tighter now.

I want to jump your non-bones. Jeez! I can't believe I'm your type. As you can tell from my husband, I've got a thing for saggy, shapeless men. I'm married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Will you sleep with me? Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass. But Louie Anderson's eating the soap in the bathroom.

It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling, I'd find that one person who would make me whole. Thanks, Mr. Quagmire. You don't have to thank me. Now, get on out of here, you little scamp.

after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there.

(WATCH BEEPING) Hang on. Hang on. Pills. Yeah, me, too.

HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash?

Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter?

- LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired. Well, I really don't know how this happened... but I guess this is the last time I get to see you. I'm gonna miss you, little guy.

How about the first three women willing to come down and have sex with Hank get free boob jobs courtesy of Dr. John Viener? Are you reading my mind, man? Let's go to the phones.

You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there.

All right, everyone, I'd like to get started. (ALL PANTING) I'd like to get... We're start... You know what? Maybe... Maybe everyone should sit down.

Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier? I said all that stuff. God! Let's not-- Let's not rule anything out.

The cave is collapsing! This is no cave. What?

Oh, boy, nice to be back home. Those seminars can wear you out. (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Wow, did you say, "Web-based Internet series"? No. Oh, my bad.

Money, money, money Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist. It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling.

Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello! Max Weinstein? Look, I'll do what I can, but I don't know why you think I can get your money back. M-m-max, Max, Max, let's not deny our heritages. You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade. Now Help me get my money back.

Oh, that's all right. I've been missing a man's touch, lo these many months. And I've been missing a woman's touch. Brian... Brian! It's me, Stewie! Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better. Here, kitty, kitty.

Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day. You gotta call Dad and get back together with... (SCREAMS) Holy crap! We'll have more on these new developments after this.

Now, unless there is any objection, I move that the board pass this measure.

I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

Ugh. Get a tan.

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort.

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing! Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys! Those aren't '80s black guys at all! Run! We're here to dance for the kids. Run, '80s black guys!

James Bond! I'll take it! Ok, let's see what this baby can do. Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.

(SCREAMS) There's something out there. Hmm? - There's something out there. - Where?

E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game?

Maybe I like having sex with fat guys. Yeah? Maybe I want to have sex with a fat guy right now. Well, maybe I want to have sex with an ugly, old broad! Peter! Gotcha! (LAUGHING) (BOTH MOANING)

"Wide load"? "Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"?

you... Uh, I'll, uh... This is a bad time. Maybe I'll just come back. WHo am I kidding? I'll never get hER. Not with that attitude. Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson, and he was one of them toe-tapping Burgermeisters.

- Who is? - (SCOFFS) Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the furthest thing from. From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To... To be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing and vulnerable journey to becoming a person.

"'Allo, Mother.

Ok, Ok, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.

- Ugh! - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai.

And that's exactly what you'll get with Mayor Adam West. (CHUCKLING) Oh, snap. Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've been giving us. Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing. What the hell you talking about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me.

You two meet at a Mensa meeting? No, at a Quiznos. We both ordered the Turkey Ranch and Swiss, no onions. Can you believe that? No. Wow! What are the odds? Well, hey, what are the odds of finding true love anywhere in the world, says this observer. Hey, you want to know something cool?

But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded.

Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that? Say what, now? You don't deserve her. She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van...

I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping. No, I wouldn't. Not a corn farthing would I bet. No, sir. What's wrong with you? A little wrong in the head, I am, from eating some bad sausages. Yes, some bad sausages did I eat, indeed, sir. Yes, I did. Some bad sausages ate I.

I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow. There's only one thing to do. We got to break it up.

(EXHALES)

How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!

Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way? Oh, my God. Yes, I do. And you so did not even. Oh! But I did. Yoo-hoo! Guys. (SQUEALS)

Jillian, I'll talk to you later. (CRYING) So, Meg... How was school? Horrible. There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me.

And here we thought the weed was inspiring us. Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad. But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC,

(LAUGHING) Sorry. I'm sorry. I can't even say that with a straight face. Sorry, fellows, have a good time. Man, I am so sick of this. Joe is just gonna keep bailing on us until that baby comes out of Bonnie's butt. Babies come out of the butt, right? (HESITANTLY) Yeah. Well, we are gonna do something about it.

Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig.

Honey, I'll be right there. By all means, take your time. Oh, and When you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston! Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend! It smells like old milk in there!

Peter, what the hell's going on here? Lois, we're no longer one Nielsen family. We're 100. More boxes, more power. And I got some ideas to make TV better. (TOUCHTONES BEEPING) (RINGING) Hello, Mad Men production office. Yeah, Peter Griffin here. Could I speak with Jon Hamm, please?

(THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite. Ow! It happened anyway! Hey, Stewie, you up? What the...

Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

Jeez, that's more of a rip-off than that breakfast machine I bought.

Well, of course we will, Brian. We'd be happy to come.

Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter. 10 years ago Daddy offered to give us $10 million, and I turned it down. What? Yes. And I'll always turn it down because money just complicates everything. We don't need money because we have each other.

Peter, I don't like this. You are really starting to take advantage of this whole situation. Peter's just expressing himself. High five for expressing yourself, Peter. High five! All right!

You've got 20. Hit me. Peter, don't. - Hit me. - 21. - Hit me. - Peter!

(VOMITING)

Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break-dancers to do their routine on your stomach. Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall.

but with you I imagine it would be like doing it with a stuffed animal. Everybody ready to go? All set, Peter. Good. Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

No paper towels?

All right, what do you want for your last meal? I think I'll just have a salad. Dressing on the side. I had a huge last lunch.

Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him. Here. Right-- Right this way. Watch your step.

There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Mr. Bieber, they're calling for an encore! Oh, my God, those kids are expecting a show. I'll handle this. (CROWD CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber.

Well, It hasn't been all bad. I must admit, there have been some moments that were, dare I say, fun. We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're having the time of our lives Take it, Dog! We're quite a pair of partners

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.

Well, I don't know. There's a game on.

Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager. Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it? Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had.

- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

What is it? Like Italian ice? Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet. Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad. Salad? How do you make a salad? First, you throw in the whole head of lettuce.

Hey. I fucked your dad.

Dad, are you gay? What? Are you gay, Dad? No, Glenn, I'm not gay. Just tell me the truth! I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. All right, come on now! That's not helping! Son, you have my word, I am not gay.

There it is. Washington, DC, the seat of government for the world's former most powerful nation. Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument. And there's the Vietnam War Memorial.

I don't know, Jeremy, are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

So, no, I can't trust you. But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either. So, if you'd like to move back in and take things slowly, one step at a time, I suppose I can give you the chance to earn my trust again.

It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

Personal, life, career. I'm an open book.

You just have to be responsible with it. You members of the human race have the ability to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star. With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn to put the bottle down just sometimes? We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no, but we kept at it.

Hi, Meg. You busy Saturday night?

I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message, like, four hours ago.

Must be a reaction to the shots. I'll go get you some baby aspirin. What the devil are you talking about? You said The shots were supposed to make me healthy! You actually believe Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy? I mean, you were already healthy, right? Oh, God! You're right! I--i was--I was pink as a pistol! "Pink as a pistol!" Good Lord!

Well, there is a way you can make it up to me. How? Tell me what it was like being one of them. It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory. I flew today.

I write down all his advice in a little notebook. Yesterday's was, "I've never seen a pigeon die "from eating food on the ground, so what's the big whoop?" Peter, this skydiving thing has gotta stop.

WOODS: Hello, stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home. Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here. I say, this is more uncomfortable than having James Brady at a cocktail party.

A-And look at you twO. Quasimodo and Lumpy. I--I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn. Oh, Do me! Do me next! Come on, baby girl. Let's go to the park.

y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says--

"Should God play a role in politics?" Oh, and here's your heartworm pill wrapped in baloney. Stewie, the point of the baloney is that I don't know the pill is there. Why am I standing under an air vent? Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..."

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines. Y-You could! You--and--And not just like Jugs, or--or Creamsicle.

Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.

My God, you are the sorriest bunch of rejects I ever seen, and I've seen The Bangles in concert. You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (LAUGHING) Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day. But your father's bringing in the old TV. Hey, Meg. Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg.

Can't hear you, Brian. I'm dead.

So, Carolyn. Guess you should've hit that when you had the chance, huh, Brian? What? You're the one who told me to wait! You're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland. You know what you need?

It means my return pad's explosion was the big bang. But the big bang happened, like, billions of years ago. No, no, we were outside the space-time continuum. Time and space didn't exist until my explosion. Which means I created the universe, Brian. (SCOFFS) That doesn't make any sense. You were born in the universe. How could you create it?

It's not an exciting life, but it's my life. It sure is good to have you back, Mom. Yeah, we missed you. Well, thanks for putting up with me, you guys. Sorry, I got so flipped out about my age. Aw, don't worry about it, Lois.

This ticks me off, so much! Jeez. Oh, man! - What? What is it? - Look at this.

Four, zero, one. Yes. Five, five, five. Five. Five. Five. That was painless. Okay. One, one, two, five. One, one, two, five. There you go, you got it. One, five, five. What?

W-W-Why? It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked. I'm just curious. It's a little weird.

Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway... That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk,

We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this.

Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me! You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes.

It was raining, and Mom and Dad fought the whole time. You taught me how to hunt squirrels with poisoned cheese, and then you took me to the hospital when the squirrels tricked me into eating the cheese. Chris, you kept this photo all these years? Yeah, it's gotten me through a lot of tough times. Like when Felicity cut her hair. What?

Pardon me, madam. I'm the truant officer. I found these two children of yours playing hooky from school. Oh, my! This will never do, will it, dear? (BABBLING) Chris, you gotta... You gotta...

And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!

(Lois) Peter! Lois!

You should've told me...

What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

Well, this is nothing. Probably just a random act of violence. I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. (LAUGHS)

Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable!

Nah! My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead. Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors. Plus, when's the next time you're gonna get to give a bride away? I know. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Aw! What happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy! I kill him! He cry like a bitch! Vietnam, undefeated!

Look, all Brian's ever wanted is the same respect he gives us. That and Snausages. He's mental for those Snausages. And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the "oodmay" but Brian won't "amscray." - Peter... - Ok, Ok, Ok.

(MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?" Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me.

Did you kill the others? - I shan't! (SIGHS) - You must. I'm going to go talk to the statue in the basement. Did you kill the painting? This place is a nuthouse. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me.

Well, gentlemen, sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages. Hey, is this guy somebody? Yeah, that's James Woods! We got a celebrity here! I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! This is a celebrity!

Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie? Because, Meg, Estelle told me that someone in the family was in danger of drowning and that I should take some steps to prevent it. So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy. Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING)

(GASPS) It looks like you're out of roof. (GRUNTS)

Well, I suppose if I have your word that this won't happen again, we can allow Chris to return to school. Well, I promise you, my husband will have a talk with Quagmire.

(STUTTERING) About the same. Number one might be a tiny bit better. Number three, number four. Number three.

Hello? MAN: A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word That's annoying. Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers. So, what do you guys wanna talk about?

"I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin." Ha, ha, ha! Imbecile!

could I maybe have one last kiss? Well, I guess so. Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am.

Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it. Okay, now I get it.

But it seems pornography has finally found its way to our neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you!

Obsession, Calvin Klein.

Let's get out of here, Brian. That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me. Don't let me catch you, 'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later. (LAUGHING)

We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks. Oh, Heathcliff. Oh, come on! I want so little.

Sorry I'm late, guys. Peter, where have you been? Look, you try scheduling a haircut today. You know, you'd think you'd wanna spend your last day on Earth with your family! Hey, I'm here, aren't I? With only seconds left. Don't you love me? Of course I love you, Lois! You're the most important person in the world to me! You promise? I promise.

And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop. I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym.

...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that...

- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.

Ah, jeez, Kids, You know, I was this close to losing it. But your mom's right. Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

I...

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?

Listen, why don't you... You know what? You can just go to hell!

I can't believe she went ahead and did it. After I specifically told her how I felt. Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to... (SNIFFING) Lois just peed on something. - Hey, Brian, you picking up on that? - Yeah. LOIS: It worked, everybody! I'm pregnant! Damn it! This has gone too far. And if I'm gonna do something about it, it's gotta be now.

Isn't it wonderful that everything's back to normal? Yeah. Oh, God. Nobody move.

His boy Elroy

(LOCK CLICKING) What was that? (GRUNTING) I don't believe this. Hello? Hello, we're locked in! (SNIFFING) Did you just crap your diaper?

Ok, honey. Craig T. Nelson! Are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. Make it quick.

but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, ifl could... I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public.

Hey, check out the new meat! I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'. Thank you. Hey, You and me gonna have a good time together!

All right, out back. No, Ma. Yeller's my dog. I'll do it. Aw, Come on! He'll call back! Brian, are you ok? Ok? Ha ha! Ok? I'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here! Get a hold of yourself!

Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING)

Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool. You betcha, son. I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast, and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity. - Would you like that? - Would I? Wow, that's a way better present than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas.

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois?

Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!

I'm sorry, but your father gets incredibly filthy rolling around everywhere. He just has to take his 12 baths a day. I don't like Dad anymore! I invited some friends over to jump on him like a trampoline... ...but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! And his mom yelled at him when he got home!

That's nice, Brian. Here's a new kind of meth you put in your pee-hole. What? Oh, yeah, we're meth dealers now. Yeah, you missed it. My teeth came in and then fell out again.

Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him. Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. I know, but just let him have this one.

Ahh! That totally sucked. You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers! Hmm, This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group. And what happened with the pyramid? I almost broke my neck! The pyramid! Of course!

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns. Freeze. Is that... Is that a banana? Don't worry about what it is. I'm still a cop. Whoa, hold on. All right, just take it easy. This can go a couple of ways.

Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling. Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases. (GASPING) And it even has the one with the Flintstones. (SIRENS WAILING) NARRATOR: Amazingly, this drunk driver turns left into oncoming traffic. He narrowly misses hitting a pedestrian, who jumps out of the way just in time.

Write this down, you toad-faced frump. I love pancakes! Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me!

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.

The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode. (DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING) If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo. Are you sure you want to delete this program? Yes. Bring me my mid-season replacement fool! Hi there. I want to hear some jokes, fool! Well, you know, I don't really tell jokes. I like to tell stories from my life and let the humor just flow organically from everyday situations.

Boobies! Peter? Do it. Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris? Elephants are bigger in person.

(SHUSHING) Carter, I'm thinking. - (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening? I got it!

Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason. But then it thawed and cavemen came.

You're going to jail, punk!

He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course. Anybody get that? The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette." Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. Hey, guys! Th-There's no more girlie magazines in the can!

Gosh, Meg, I really wish we could take our relationship to the next level. I know. I feel the same way, but we made a decision to be abstinent. Of course, there are ways we can keep our pledge and still do other things. You're right. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Uh-huh.

I can tell.

I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck.

What's the matter with them? We've never seen that much money before. - You are richest man in the country. - Richest man in the country? Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor King Arthur Griffin. Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone... and prove to me you truly are the sole king of Camelot...

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter.

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

I'm not doing this! What do you mean, you're not doing it? I'm drawing the line. I wrote a script that really meant a lot to me, and you guys took it and turned it into something cheap and ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm not selling out anymore. I quit. Do you guys have a studio lawyer or something, 'cause, you know, I fucked that chick,

(FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now! Well, I hate to say I told you so, but... Wait a minute. I love saying I told you so!

Get it? Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean. Carol Burnett works part time as a janitor. You know, when she tugged her ear at the end of that show, she was really saying good night to her mom.

Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. Holy crap! You're one of them! Peter! Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors. Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar.

Damn!

Oh, my God, Stewie, you all right? What the hell happened? Just some stupid stuff went down. You could have been killed! I could have been killed! Look at my car! Well, you know, if you had just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa,

Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the T.V., and get me a few beers, huh? Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes and the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yup. Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard.

You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING)

Great pot, Stewie. Yeah, I got it from our cleaning lady's boyfriend. It's okay, though, 'cause she's gonna use the money to get a mammogram. Chris, where have you been? Doug told me I don't need to listen to you. Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy...

Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight.

What are you saying?

Aw, they got tuckered out. Of course they did, they ran, like, two miles for them.

Ahhh! Salad! (BOYS SCREAMING) Thank you for sharing, Leonard.

Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT? I'm busy. Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you. I-I don't know if you remember, but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT? Oh, Ok. I'll come back later.

Hey, Brian. What's up? Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter. Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short.

Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something. Well, we got...uh, we got... "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." Play it, play it. But he didn't set it up. Play it!

Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought you were a regular person. Where's the shampoo? What the hell? (INDISTINCT TALKING)

Mom, the game's about to start. Where's Dad? I don't know, Chris. And I'm starting to get worried. I think all this success might be going to his head. Do you know he spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture of Harriet Tubman doing Gwyneth Paltrow? Yeah. Yeah, that is happening for real. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country!

That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good. Oh, My God! They're at it again!

I have never been more in love with someone than I am with you right now. Oh, Michael, I love you, too. And I have some wonderful news. I'm not pregnant. BOTH: What? (DOOR SLAMS)

You know, Brian... I'm telling you... (ALL SHOUTING) (ALL GASPING)

Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this.

I'm sorry about that.

(GASPING) Imagine that.

Hmm. Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager? And help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding. Holy crap. It's a gay bar! They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub?

That's what makes his story so inspirational. Handicapped... Hmm. Ahh! How did these get up here?

What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie. undefinedWe were just leaving. " say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello! - Hey. What's going on? - What the hell? Get out of here! What? We're on the same team. We shower together. Yeah, in the locker room. Yeah, yeah, come here, you. Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy?

You only need one point to win the $5,000. Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in. Chair. Try again. Big chair. No, that's the same thing. Try again. High chair. That's still a chair. Chair. Say something other than "chair." What if I can't think of anything? You can pass. How do I pass? Just say it.

Things an overcoat would say. I'm covered with water. Things an umbrella would say. You wear me. Things a festive bow tie would say. You wear me to keep you dry. Things Speed Stick would say. I keep your head dry. I said umbrella. It's not umbrella. (BUZZING) Peter, what if I said, "I keep your head dry, you wear me in the bathroom"?

All right, everyone. All DVDs are a dollar and everything must go. Come on in. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Please be here. Please be here. Oh, sweet mother of God! There you are! I'll watch you with the lights off. (LAUGHING) Like I would dare.

LOIS: Peter, can you come down to the laundry room? (SIGHS) Son of a bitch. If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt.

Hey, Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert, too! Oh! Oh, Glenn, I love all your sex jokes and your dirty puns. That's why I married you. Let's go upstairs and do it. Okay!

There is one thing, though, and I'm sorry about this, but your room's not ready till 4:00. So feel free to use our business center, or enjoy the pool. (KIDS LAUGHING) Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it!

And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room.

Boy, they've got some very unusual prizes at the carnival this year. A winner! Congratulations, son. You've won a genuine, live homosexual. Where are we going? Wait! Don't tell me! Oh, boy! Mom, can I keep him? Well, it's a big responsibility, Chris. That means you'll have to clean up after him and feed him.

Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us. And truthishly, we should just accept that. Okay, good night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City?

- STEWIE: Dude, that was painful. - What are you doing here? Did you follow us? Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here? Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'm gonna have to break it off. But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin. "Lincoln assassinated... Tragedy for our republic..."

hmm. Your father. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed. Ooh! How deliciously evil looking! It's like something out of Stephen King! Ok. For my 307th book, uh...

We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street. We won! All right!

Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day.

Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters?

You guys give up? What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea.

Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.

Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

(HUMMING TUNE)

Look, can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.

You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried.

and now he made this. (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time. The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed,

You're anticipating. Don't do that. Carl, you can take your fist out of your own mouth. Bruce, great work. Bruce seems like the only gamer here. Thanks, it's okay to look the other way when y'all pass me on the street with y'all's wives. I understand. And that places the witness right here, next to the lubricating station and the terrible-smelling guest book. Would she be face up?

In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane Rupaul which is working his or her way up the coast.

(AnnOunceR) Chris Tucker and Jim ca-cazeve-cave... Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This.

Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party. "Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited "to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor." What? What are they honoring you for? Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend. And it's free. Well, who's the invitation from? I don't know, it doesn't say. Wait, you're not gonna go, are you?

Coming up, our horribly outdated scams reporter, Ken Redowski, gets angry about a product you don't care about. Digital bathroom scales! Thanks, Ken.

Hey! Like your jeans. Thanks. What size are you? Yeah, I don't think we're the same size. Yeah, we'll figure it out tomorrow. Come on, Brian. You ready to go home? No, Peter. I'm gonna go meet Jenny's cats. What are you talking about? You hate cats. I'm going to meet her cats. Jeez, all right. Okay. All right.

the intelligence level is reduced a bit. That's good. We don't want him thinking too much. Yeah, well, I might have dialed yours back a little more than I ought to have. What do you mean? Brian, meet Bitch Brian. Hi, Brian. You got some stuff you want me to do for you? Oh, my God. Yeah, that's kind of what I said, too.

Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel? He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs.

This is not a resort. You will be worked harder than you have ever been worked in your miserable, pathetic lives. And play harder, right? I bet. Step forward, maggot! (GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you. Well, why wasn't it him this time? Oh, I'm so scared.

You are so fucking funny!

All right! Oh, man! There's a tollbooth. hey, Anybody got a quarter? What's a quarter? Well, We gotta give him something. Woo-hoo! Man, looking up at the sky just makes you feel so small.

I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have. Oh, look, Lois, wishbone. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds. (EXCLAIMS) No gravity.

Gonna go to Mississippi ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza

I won't, I swear! (SOBBING)

Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

- Sorry. I'm still learning. - JOE: All right, start the search.

(IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Sweet! (IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist. It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si. Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner.

Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street. We won! All right!

Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to, but I'm watching my weight 'cause I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again. Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

So, what do you want on your thigh?

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Why It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. It's cheering real loud for the home team! It's catching the perfect wave! It's obeying all the rules! No way!

(LAUGHING) (BABBLING)

And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer?

Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer!

I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid. Well, wait a minute, Peter. Maybe that's the answer. You just got to get his mother to take him back. How the hell am I supposed to do that? She's an idiot redneck, Peter. Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. Can I go out through here?

Do you think your parents liked me? Yeah. Can we make out now? Oh, I forgot my... (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, that's kind of hot.

When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar. Oh, for God's sake!

What is this? This is a weird gun. Yeah. Don't touch that. Oh, it's a flare gun. Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger?

Tell me. Tell me.

'Cause I got a bag of ice here.

Go ahead, kid. Try it out. Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw. All right! Heh, Nice going. All right! All right!

(URGES HORSES) Yeah! Choke on that, nerds. Eli, I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable, but I don't think running away is the answer. I know, Mrs. Griffin. And I am sorry.

Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer! Go away!

Now, Jews, ho!

Oh, yeah. Look who's snickering over there. Mr. I-can't-do- a-suicide-bombing- because-I'm-sick. He had a-- He had a note. MAN #1: He got you. MAN #2: He's so bad. He had a note from his doctor. He brought a note from his doctor. It's a suicide bombing.

MAN: Tonight's winning lottery numbers are... tr, 21, 18, 7, 42. Oh, my God! I won! I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free!

You're here with Dingo... (DOG GROWLS) And the Baby... (BABY GURGLES) And if you're thinking about changing the station... MAN ON TAPE: Don't you do it! Today we got homeless Hank from the dumpster out back with us. Hey, I got an idea. How about the first three women willing to come down and have sex with Hank get free boob jobs courtesy of Dr. John Viener?

And I'm gonna bring you back something special, little guy. Don't worry about me. Just get yourself laid.

Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault.

I know. Th-The phone hasn't rang all day.

This is not a joke, Peter, okay? They're cutting off his penis in there! All right, all right. I mean, this is my dad we're talking about! Okay, okay. What are you gonna name it, huh? What are you gonna name your he-she father-mother? Knock it off! Wow! That thing was on there. How is he, Doc? Is he all right?

All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way. - Darn it. - Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ? Why is math so hard? Well, you know, it doesn't have to be. One trick I used to use is turning things into a word problem.

Hey. Good morning. Oh, good morning, Brian. That's a lovely fragrance you're wearing. What is it? Oh, this? This is Hartz Mountain Flea Dip. Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent.

Un-freaking-believable! Oh! Clumsy oaf! Michael Flatley must be turning over is in his grave. Wait a minute. He's not dead yet. "Michael Flatley." Peter, It's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric?

mmm. - Peter! - Oh, Sorry.

Never heard of it.

Meg, it goes by many names. Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers, and, until recently, Giant Horse Vagina, but I prefer the term mustache.

Not only will I be able to put food on the table and pay all my bills, I'll also be able to finance my Christmas album. (ANNOUNCER) Sessions presents, a Peter Griffin Christmas. Featuring such standards as...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Come on, let's get out of here. All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb... (SHUSHING) Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. - Does he have a wife? - Yeah.

Eating for two, honey. I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back.

Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself.

They're supposed to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit. (COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank.

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do?

Welcome to Fox News, Lois. We're very excited to have you. (CHUCKLING) Well, I'm excited to be here. Oh, this is my dog, Brian. He was just dying to see the studio. Well, hi there, Brian. How's it going, Adolf? I'll have you know my grandparents died in the Holocaust.

Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler, I wouldn't be afeared. Oh, Peter, that's good. I know, Lois.

Aloha. No way!

It's this website you can use to invite people to stuff. Does it have to be a significant event? No. Not at all! Well, do you just get the invitation, and that's the end of it? No, it'll remind you about it constantly! Is there any way I can customize this to showcase my personality through familiar clip art? Yes! And what about those replying?

(VOICE DISTORTING) Relax, I'm a doctor. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

What the hell is he talking about?

What's it to you, pal? I'm Dr. Goodman of the quahog Ornithological Society ironically dining in a restaurant that exclusively serves poultry. Doctor, what is this? Oh, It's a very rare species. The endangered White-Rumped Swallow. "Rump." This isn't funny, Chris! "Swallow."

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape. You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh?

Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it?

But now it's nineteen-ninetay And I have to set you fray

Ok, I'll call the parents and let them know the party's here. You don't have any of those things. How do you know? Peter, Face it. You're a terrible liar.

No, thanks. I had some in the car.

- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.

This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? Oh, that's just the TV ALL: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Come, Wendy, fly with me. (BEEPING) Hmm. I've never executed a diaper change before. Of course, how hard can it be? You just unfasten these things, then lay back with your legs in the air, and let nature do the rest.

Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! (SOBBING) What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her? Doesn't look good. Stewie, I think there's only one way we're ever gonna see Meg again. You and I have to take matters into our own hands.

I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me?

Would you like some tea? Cigar? Brandy? (MUMBLING) No. I'm good, thanks. We read your article, Brian. Your study in postmodern American subcultures was quite illuminating. Oh, wow, thanks. That really means a lot coming from you guys.

Well, aren't you an enthusiastic wafer muncher. What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick.

Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.

When do I start? Oh, he's coming! Oh, it hurts so bad! God, I hate working on Christmas. Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle!

It's great!

Superman. Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING)

I don't believe this. Cleveland, you're sleeping with my girlfriend? Nobody told me Carolyn was your girlfriend. I'm not his girlfriend. Carolyn, what are you talking about? We've been dating for three weeks. Well, you never made a move on me, so I thought you just wanted to be friends. Then I met Cleveland, and things just kind of took off.

The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.

(GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

You got a new dog? Yes, sir. But... I'm the dog.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon. MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off.

All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?

Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time. That's why he got fired from that airline. - Coffee for you, Capt. Griffin? - Thank you, stewardess. Hey, where are we right now? On an airplane? No. This room. What is this room called?

Ah, Mercy! I was once addicted to antihistamines. I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut. Yeah, that's a great story, too. SO, You all think you got what it takes to be jousters! Well, If you're gonna joust, you got to want it! Let me hear your war cry!

Peter, Listen, the bank's taking all our stuff. And according to this if you don't pay them within 48 hours, they get the house, too.

I'm not sure what's happening.

- ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Tank Top Gay Face... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Zachary... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Zach Chadwick... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Chad Chadinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...C. Zachary Chad... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...and a live performance by Starburst, featuring N.Y.T.F.H.$. Plus we tally your text votes for the Biggest Whiff!

I'm really worried about her, Mr. Pewterschmidt... and I figured I'd come to you since you were always good at reeling her in. Well, Lois was always a wild stallion... but don't worry. I know how to control her. And I'll help you... but first, you have to do something for me. Eat this pine cone.

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! (GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that?

Stewie and I were getting along so good and now he hates me. How do I get him to like me again? Well, that depends. Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again? What's a hypotenuse? Stewie, I know you're a little mad at me right now. But, when you see where I'm taking you, you're gonna change your mind. Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind.

How does Kevin Costner keep getting work? Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button! Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here.

As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it. Hey, Mort. Now that the end of the world is here, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh? (ELECTRICITY SURGING) (GROANS) Psych! (LAUGHS) Embedded in the hand. Yeah, you see, it fits in there 'cause there's a hole in it.

Take it easy, honey. Knock, knock. Hey, there, bro. How's it going? Getting a lot of positive feedback about that rally. Lot of positive feedback. Everybody loved my Germanator joke. Look, Peter. I want you to move out. What? You can't live here anymore. You're a pain in my ass. I want you out.

WEll, That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment.

Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her, "'cause she could be your brother" kind of thing. Like, she's gettable, you know? Like Elisabeth Shue. - Oh, I remember her. - Yeah. You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas in addition to Adventures in Babysitting. One of those underrated actresses that was always talented and beautiful,

So, anyway.... Hey, I made you a mix tape. I don't have a dual cassette player... so, you know, I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio... so the quality is kind of sucky... but, you know, all the songs describe my feelings.

Oh, Yeah? Well, Your eyes are too close to your nose! Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you! You're why cavemen painted on walls!

Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

DIRECTOR: Okay, cut.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama! All right, let's get this place cleaned up. All right, that's the last of the blood. Go check on the other kid. What other kid? Johnny, the one who's getting the bat.

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right?

Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.

(SPANISH RADIO SHOW PLAYING)

James Woods?

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out?

You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile. (LAUGHING EVILLY) This'll get Chris. Hey, classmates.

Do your little turn on the catwalk? Well, now that you say you're fine with it... to be honest, I'm not really sure I wanna do it anymore. I think all I really wanted was the freedom to know I could... and now I have it because I have you. You sure do, Lois. What are we gonna do with him?

Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

I got the mu... Oh, my God! Jimmy, what happened? Yes, Jimmy. What happened? I--I fell.

After all, You set out to make him feel better, now he's worse than ever. Yeah, I don't know, Lois. He--He's probably over there waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit. I think those days are over now, Peter. Ah, Hey there.

And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" You know, you're gonna be fucking dead in five seconds if Aunt Frieda doesn't throw a pie at somebody! I mean, part of that is you sort of have to know my... - Make me laugh! - Hey, look. Keys.

You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis.

Is that your boy? What? Yeah. That's Stewie. Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgmenly. Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? Yeah. All right. You're free. Wow! Can you give me my job back?

Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family.

Oh, no, toll roads sound great. Too bad only the very rich can afford to use them. I agree with Lois. Well, maybe more people could if the government wasn't taxing the bejesus out of them. Now I agree with Rush. I'm too stupid to make up my own mind.

Well, It does keep the Black Knight at bay. Well, Congratulations on all your success.

It's okay. They fill the rest with shots of street signs and fronts of restaurants and old footage from The A-Team. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

"As I recall, it was every potential man for himself.

My boy, between the two of us We'll get you on that shorty bus and then you're gonna take it for a whirl

Really? (STAMMERING) I had heard only good things. It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick!

(BOTH SCREAMING) Look, I brought four cigarettes I filched from my mom's purse. Give me one! I want to look adult.

Oh, yeah, Drop the bomb. Drop it. There's not a dry eye in the house. Keep going. No, you know what? I'm gonna stop. Uh, m-Maybe we'll work on it later. Ok, w-well, Just so you know, it was good. But, uh, I was also being pretty generous. Well, look at you, you little jaybird. You want to tell your mommy and daddy the Griffins are here? Come on in!

- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. (Man) And if you look off the left side of the ship,

(SPRAYING)

Well, it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize I'm completely out of shape. I mean, what if I run into that octopus again? Peter, that's ridiculous. Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife? Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here.

What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

- Sorry, Master Herbert. - Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt. Yes, sir. I am so tired of you.

Hey ho! Look at the man on the unicycle. Look at the man on the unicycle with a parrot on his shoulder. Hey ho! Put five cents in the hat. That's quite a skill you've got there. Well, ever since I got discharged from the Navy, I do anything I can to make money. I'm thinking about getting my pilot's license. Well, I think unicycles are sexy.

Oh, My God, I haven't seen you since high school. Yeah! God, What are you doing these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm the green guy. No kidding? Yeah, Yeah. Jeez, God. Hey, is that Stacy Beecham? Where? Now, don't worry.

How did he do that? How did he do that?

Hey. They seemed really nice. Get over here!

Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra. My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!

No one in this town will hire you. Oh, yeah?

What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

What are you doing? Sorry, you just had a little something. (CREAKING)

It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage.

Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that.

- I hope I'm not bothering you. - Nope. Just doing some stretching. Maybe a few poses. You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right? Uh-huh. I know what you're thinking. Stewie's so late to the yoga party.

Dad, get away from me. Connie Demico is looking. So that's Toad Girl, huh? Yeah. And that's Connie. I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids. Oh, yeah? Watch this. No!

Touche, salesman.

This is terrible. The storm keeps getting worse. Mom, I can't even see! And the scarf Brian called "A gay waste" makes a rather important appearance. I'm so hungry. Me, too. I don't know if I can keep going.

Finally, We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel 5 Junior Anchor Segment on the moon.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother.

Okay, great. Let's pretend you're a tollbooth worker and I'm molesting you. Okay. I don't have any change. Now take off that parka. Uh, uh, uh. You're gonna have to pay a high toll if you want to get into this tunnel. Come on, don't say stuff like that. I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. Wait a second. I'll be right back. Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man. It's his wife. You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this...

"We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything.

Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again! I can't find the sweater. How the hell did you even meet him? We had a pen-pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other. Well, it stops now! But, Mom, I love him! It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg.

No way. It's too dangerous.

(GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak?

Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her. Oh, yeah? What do you know about women? You want to know how to get women? There's only one place in town you need to observe.

Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do. Practicing? What for? The competition. You're gonna be my first champion. Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk. Hey. Hey, everyone! Look at me! Look, look. Look at me.

(ALL CHATTERING) I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce extreme budget cutbacks having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue. Have you ever seen such a waste of the taxpayers' money? You're talking to me!

because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life. Fonzie be with you. I ought to take off my belt and slap the crap out of him. Look, Francis. I don't like you and you don't like me. But I suggest we set aside our differences and work together.

Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.

You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie? ALL: No! Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

Hey! hey!

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

(THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean thanks to the efforts of newly-elected Mayor Lois Griffin. We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story. Thanks, Tom.

to getting back at the white man for the injustice of slavery by inventing the Department of Motor Vehicles. Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line.

(CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready.

(ALL CHEERING)

I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. Oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold, and I get squat. I'll be in the car. That was a very productive first day, Brian.

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (PETER LAUGHING) I got an audition for the hottest new play in town. This could really make my career and we can finally start our family. What's it called? A Passing Fancy. (AUDIENCE GASPS DELIGHTEDLY) (GASPS) That's the name of this play. How did he do that? How did he do that?

(CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby!

Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh. Oh. uh.

I feel suffocated, but with you I imagine it would be like doing it with a stuffed animal. Everybody ready to go? All set, Peter. Good. Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard, but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home. 'Cause after all...

Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution. Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew? He is? No, but doesn't that sound like something that could be true? Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper!

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath. I wonder who got my oxygen tank. Kiss me, Tony.

Mmm, good Kool-Aid.

...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy.

"I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes. "A man cannot steal, but it accuseth him "A man cannot swear, but it checks him "A man cannot lie with his neighbor's..." Hey, Peter, what you got there? Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do something fancy with my falcon.

His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife

I don't want to go on a rant here

Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella. Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it.

This isn't over! Oh, If you're looking for your Dostoyevsky, I used it to make the fort from F Troop.

What is my piano doing down here? It was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but... Never mind. That does it, Peter. Either this bar goes or I do! Lois, honEy, I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here. I wanted you to play it. You know, Like it was an instrument.

Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

I can do even better than that, Brian.

We're being pursued by two objects. Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby. Fire!

I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone. Well, I'm glad to be of service. Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear? See you at work on Monday, Griffin. Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite Aid about this fake mustache.

Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it. So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross. No, Peter. Don't you see? He didn't kill himself and he didn't kill Stephanie. What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us!

Peter, Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here. Yeah. Let's hit the bar, huh? Oh, Come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like, uh, like, like, SPIDERs.

"So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever."

How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing.

Brian, Peter fail again. Not so fast. Brian have other idea. Anyone buy wheel get dead bird. (ALL MUMBLING) Not working. Try drastic measure. Brian, what hell?

(SIGHS)

I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds...

I have always wanted to do this. Oh, Here are the marsupials. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.

Hey, Peter, have you seen my... Ah! Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me. Because I will get scared.

As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us. I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? (BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

but we believe in God in this house. I mean, an atheist? That's just about the worst thing a person can be.

I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God.

Hello. Hi. Name, please? - Neil Goldman. - Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman. Oh, I beg your pardon, I meant to say Chris Griffin. Griffin, Griffin. Here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. - Well, you'll need this. - Name, please?

(YELLING) Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law. But you, Meg, you're going to jail.

All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you?

Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick. Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his. Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch?

Oh, How did you get so sweet? When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar. Oh, for God's sake!

What is that? Where's all that smoke coming from? The Pewterschmidt Industries refinery, and it's not smoke. It's a giant cloud of pollution. Oh, my God. If that gets past the bad neighborhoods and reaches us, that's going to be a big problem. They can't do that. We should report them.

Peter, Come help me with the groceries. Ok, honey. Craig T. Nelson! Are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. Make it quick.

So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly.

Laugh and cry He's a family guy Hey, Chris, what do you got there? - I made a birdhouse at school today. - Oh. Looks an awful lot like the Governor's mansion from Benson.

Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it. Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy. Well, Peter, there have been a lot of changes in Joe's life, and maybe he just needed to move on.

Sir Chadwell Heath. (LAUGHING) Oh, darn it. Hey, wait a second. Where are we? Oh, no! Hey, Chris, do you know your bacne spells "Citibank" in Braille?

This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves. We're going to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie? Bobby Darin tomorrow.

But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois,

PETER: Lower abdomen. You're gonna wish you never said that.

Gone? What do you mean she's gone? Sire, Lady Redbush has been gone these six months. Six months? Yes. Forgive me, sire.

All right, that about does it. Isn't she beautiful, Brian? The Duke boys would be proud, Peter. Yeah, And you got to get in through the window, like this. Ok. Now you. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello?

Cleveland, no, you're staying. This is for your own good.

Babs? You got a room full of chicks like that and you're thinking about Babs? She looks like someone farted in a shoe. I had a moment of weakness, but I know now that I was wrong. I need her, Peter. I love her. You got to help me get her back. Well, it's probably the right move anyway. Those girls seemed kind of annoying.

I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm.

Thanks, Duke. Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery. Thanks a lot, Dallas.

What do you mean you're leaving me here?

I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces, and to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces. Tough stain, right? Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum. (ANNE MURRAY SINGING OVER STEREO) All right, Rupert, you ready to get lost in some Anne?

Besides, he's right.

Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!

Hey, Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois? Dad, I think she went out. All right. Then you be Lois. Ok. Hey, Lois, can you grab me a be-- Oh, my God! You've really let yourself go! Well, Maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

Oh, huh. Sorry about that, Loretta. Hey, can I have my fish back? Oh, You're gonna have to reach into the cookie jar. Well, uh, I can't just... You're--You're my best friend's wife. Reach into... All right! Yeah, you go in and get that. Show that fishy who's boss. Loretta, they have some of that 3-bean salad you're so fond of.

(EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Take back your job, and give your old man a hug. I love you, Dad. I know you do, Son. What are you gonna do now? I don't know. I guess the good Lord doesn't have much use for an old man like me. Well, I suppose I could use another pair of hands on my tour.

No, James. Yes. You're going to have sex with me. No, James. I don't want to. Yes, you do. - No, I don't. - Yes, you do. No, I don't! Yes, you do! - Okay, yes. - See that? Fifty no's and a yes means yes.

Hey, Hey, Jefferson, check it out. A chick getting nailed on my head. Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein. Oh, ha-ha! In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs.

a hat.

Heh, Nothing happened. No--No. I mean that bird just came to Meg when she whistled. Oh. No, those are just my bird calls. Do it again! Do it again!

Let's just face it. I suck!

the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.

A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!

Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smoking was bad, but--but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart?

Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to take it from the back.

you must write for Leno. Oh, oh, you know, It is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material, and he's charming. Face it, Lois, you're just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours. I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn't make them good.

Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup.

Thank you for coming over, Max.

Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure?

"And in the face of every adolescent challenge, "she looks at the world through hopeful eyes "and maintains an uncommon resilience that can only be admired.

TERRORIST: We missed!

And he says he's got a big surprise for you. Hey, kids, I'm Pee-Pants, the inebriated hobo clown.

We must be getting close to the Pole. Look at all these igloos.

Uh, Sure, Whatever floats your boat. There you go. Jeez, Frickin' perverts. Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties!

and you know how to make it right. (SIGHS) Guys, put the money back and get out of there. PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

She walked out of there with a bag of soil on each shoulder. Now, before I show you this next one, has anyone here ever heard of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally? I know we have a lot of yuks here on Petey's Funhouse, but one thing that's not fun is a bully. Now, how many of you kids out there have ever gotten bullied?

Help! Help us! Oh, my God! (PANTING) Hey, don't worry. I'm here.

Okay. Now, remember to play it cool. Act like you belong here. (SHOUTING) Oh, my God, Miley! I love you! I love you! I love you! I'm your biggest fan! Can I touch your hair? Who are you guys? How did you get back here? Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby.

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Are you kidding? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you. I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will.

Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this. I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian. Don't worry, Brian. I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right? Shh. Shh. It's okay.

Morning theater fans! Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. What the hell is this? French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now. Lois, if this is your idea of a joke,

Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you have three crushed ribs, but I was able to stop the internal bleeding. Doctor, this has happened seven times in the last month. Peter rolls over in his sleep and almost kills me. I see.

No, I... Wait. What? You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot. I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign. Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo. He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then that's the guy we got to talk to.

He's a family guy

(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Meg. Eli was the best boy I'll ever meet. And now I'll never see him again. ELI: Yes, you will, Meg. (GASPS) Eli. Eli? What are you doing here? I could not let you leave without me, Meg. I love you. I love you, too.

(SCREAMS) Meg? Looks like I'm all alone. Well, hey, that's all right. I watch a lot of movies. I can just use my imagination. - Hi, Carl. - Hey, Bear.

There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker, thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others?

Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going. Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek. Holy crap. Uhura's black?

(GROANS) An entire week and still no teeth. And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony. Brian... Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it. (JILLIAN RETCHING) What the hell is that? That's Jillian. She's... She... She has this eating disorder.

I'm just putting up my new sign. Don't put that thing on our door. If you want to hang it somewhere, hang it in the basement. Oh, why? So you can hog it while you're doing laundry? No way. Peter, we're not a business. Hey, I saw your sign. - So, you're open? - That's right. - What do you do? - What do you need? - Milk. - We have milk.

C-O-A-G-A...

- Hey. What's going on? - What the hell? Get out of here! What? We're on the same team. We shower together. Yeah, in the locker room. Yeah, yeah, come here, you.

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING)

Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face. Peter, would you like more potatoes? (EXCLAIMS) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Peter, come closer. There's something I need to say to you. I'm here, Dad. What is it? Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do.

What? (YELLS) And I switched out one of his eyeballs for a gag exploding eyeball. What? That's... (SCREAMS) And then I paid a couple of Mexicans to run over him with their car. I hope they don't just take the money and skip town.

Trace the call! Trace the CALL!

Nothing bad happened!

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard.

Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story.

YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right. Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, 'cause you sex me up. Now, give me some sugar.

It's a very big deal. You'll be treated differently. Just like my Uncle Ray, with the really high-up anus. (KNOCK AT DOOR) I'll be out in a minute.

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No. Yeah, well, you know, take that.

Yup. Yup. Mmm-hmm. Hope the loo is working.

Oh! That's cold. That's cold. Hmm. 29 pounds. That's big for your age. Forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials. All right, little guy, time for your immunizations. You, uh, might want to hold him. Hold me for what?

I never would've discovered I could be creative if you hadn't believed in me. Well, Actually I didn't really, not at first. But anyone who could take The King and I and turn it into that is... well, he's gotta be creative. Hmm. Yeah, Lois, uh, sorry I took your show away from you,

Peter, It's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? Could it mean "sexy"? I think it's a science term. Fellas, Fellas, esoteric means "delicious." Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS.

But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No. - Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No. If I can get some guys you want to play Red Rover? No. Maybe. You get the guys first. We'll talk about it.

Wow, does that sound wonderful. Whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds expensive. Can't we just do something fun here at the house? It's just as relaxing. Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, snap. Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've been giving us. Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing. What the hell you talking about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days.

Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone. Really? Oh, my God, is that...

I just can't do this. Come on, Is this any more degrading than washing cars?

(OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.

Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man. Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas? Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa!

Oh, beautiful name. Let me take her from you. Well, go on, Quagmire. Give her the baby. I will. I just... Oh. Here.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so. No, I'm sure of it. I don't know. Something about Hardcastle and McCormick?

That's Vern-Vern-Vern-Vern.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a... Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk. Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, Brian. Yeah, Brian. No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with. He's bad news.

Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape? You drunk.

"Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut." Hey! I was playing with that! Hey, come back here! All right. You asked for it. (PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING)

Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom!

- Piss off! - What? I--I'm sorry. It--It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm--I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail! H-hello. Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were telling me about. I'll show 'em a good time and get 'em to come around to our side.

But I...

c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie. Ah, I love you so much. I love you, too, honey. Ahh! - What's wrong? - Ahh! Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!

I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to. PETER: Okay, then fly... Fly out the window! FLY: Up here, maybe? No! To your left! No, that's not it. That's just more wall. PETER: How many eyes do you have, huh? FLY: Just two, same number as you, but you know... I'm not... PETER: Just go! Oh, my God! FLY: Whatever it is you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs.

Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you.

Trick or treat!

Won't you drop the lawsuit, please, Dylan? Ah, what the hell! But, hey, you gotta print the real story. And this time, I want to talk to the real reporter. Let's go, Meg. See, Meg? Things always work out if you do whatever you want without worrying about consequences. Thanks, Daddy.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again.

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

- Three tracks! - Come on! - We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but... That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track! There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad. Should I follow the knight into the dungeon, or should I go back the way I came?

Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?

PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh! What a very interesting thing.

Hey, why don't you and your friend come join us over at our table? Peter Griffin. How do you do? (CHUCKLING PLAYFULLY) We would love to. Hey, girls, these are my two new friends. Hello, ladies. My name is Carter, and I require a tremendous amount of calcium. Carter, come here. Sit next to me.

Gross!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING) Yeah! Water slide! Summer fun!

At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.

Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? No, but I'm ready for therapy.

(SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts!

Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.

We're just gonna have to try and figure out the code. When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. Don't worry about it, Brian. MAN: Hey, what's going on down there? Nothing. All right.

If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING) Yeah! I'm a bad guy!

You're on TV, Mr. Tucker. Can't you do something about this? Well, Peter, I'm flattered you came to me for help. We'll have more after this. Good evening. We're back. Peter, to answer your question, if you want to control content, you'd have to start your own television station. My own TV station?

The important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey. yeah, That's easy for you to say. You get to keep both your cans. Peter, don't talk like that! You'll see a doctor tomorrow and-- Oh, no--no--no-- No. I'm not gonna see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid.

Father, please! "Please"! You know what? You have nice manners. I'm so delighted that Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen took the time to teach you nice manners. And just for that, I'm going to help you out here. (CARTER SCREAMING)

(PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog. Everybody stand back. Uh-oh-- Oh, boy. Oh--oh! Oh, God. Ahh! Ah--

And then, in high school, I was violated sexually by my father. It happened on numerous occasions, and I was too afraid to tell anyone because I felt like somehow it was my fault. So, you do go all the way.

" can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three.

Okay, just get your pants off, hon. Stop right there! Get away from her! Peter? Who are you? How'd you get in here? Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty! Look, I swear. Nothing happened. Just relax, old man. Old man? What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard? (GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too!

I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster. Oh, darn it. Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS) How about me, sir? Am I too fat to ride? No, you don't seem to be. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class! It gets better after the first...

but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way. All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys. There, look, they have Chunky bars. What a God-awful mess those things are. Chocolate with raisins in it.

'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt Though they tried to defeat me they can all just freakin' eat me 'cause he blew all of us away

I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.

I'm prepared for a lengthy captivity as well. I swallowed this People magazine in 1989. All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee. It's so nice to have you home, dear.

Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre? And then we dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us. SUSIE: Today, I saw a balloon.

Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter!

People do crazy things when they're confused. Like the time my agent dropped that bomb on me.

Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing. Otherwise, what's the point, right? You should totally write that down. Okay. Will you watch me? Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family. Check out my bulging rippliness. Peter, you've been to the gym once for 15 minutes. And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me,

(LAUGHING) Gosh!

My God, you are the sorriest bunch of rejects I ever seen, and I've seen The Bangles in concert. You! Where are you from, boy? Quahog. They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers!

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick.

Jock! Start the engine! Get the plane up!

Broadway is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too

I guess Missing one session wouldn't be the end of the world. There you go! Hey, What do you think they put in the bug juice? Bugs. No, they don't! Come on!

I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton...

If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples. (KICKING) Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Road House. Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House.

Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y about any sort of stupid shit. So what? I think what's actually alarming is the fact that all this kind of pseudo-spirituality is being peddled to the American people in books that have, really, less substance than an issue of TV Guide.

That wasn't a question. Back of the line. Okay, let's do this. JOE: Hey. Whoa, is that Harrison Ford? Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.

Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone.

Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit-- I get the message, Peter.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Please be here. Please be here. Oh, sweet mother of God! There you are! I'll watch you with the lights off.

To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing! Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man.

(GRUNTS) Stewie, you're alive. Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated. You have an annoying habit of turning up where you're not welcome. Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate "Y."

(WAILING) (LAUGHING) I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this. - You're still my little buddy, right? - Yeah. Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom.

That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. Go--Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her. I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.

I'm not going to jail, Chris doesn't have to die,

(LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him!

I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson! Peter, the toilet paper is made of money. Yeah, and look at this. They even got some of that high-class British porn. Almost. Almost. Almost.

And the only way to fight it is to make your faith stronger. Illusions! You want to talk about illusions? If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated. But you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions!

I'm a good friend to you.

Well, I got my job back, Angela's happy again, and she's not gonna harass me anymore. Everything worked out perfect. Not really, Peter. Yeah, you cheated on your wife. No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort! I want my $2!

Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore. And they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes. What--What did you do with the old bras?

Ok.

uh, hi, my name-- my name is towel. I have a Peter for you.

As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us. I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one?

I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

PLAYER 6: You suck!

I still don't get it. I'm 5.

Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything! (BOTH GIGGLING) Peter, have you seen this tuition bill? Morningwood Academy is charging us $30,000. Well, looks like we're all gonna have to take second jobs. I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back,

Come on Sea Breeze! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah! What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze!

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING) Meg, there's something we need to talk about. Dad, I swear to God, I thought you could flush those things.

Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.

Oh, oh! And how embarrassed was I when the word "crate" came up? I thought I was past this. I traveled the world, for God's sake. Do you know how much I spent? Well, obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it.

You know, that's not a bad idea. Yeah, we could really turn this place around. Play our cards right, it could be bigger than the Apollo Theater.

Oh! Oh, uh, Ah, h-Hi, Mr. Weed! Well, It seems you've made a full recovery. Oh, yeah. yeah. W-- Uh-- That--That plane crash I told you about, it turned out to be gas. Aha! Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30. I'm tired of Mr. Weed treating me like a common doormat.

Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful. He looks just like his father. Boy, I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids. I'll never know that joy. Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance. You think so? I know so.

Mom? Dad? I'm home! Who are you? We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all!

I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No! - I get involved? - What? I get involved with lady? What do you think? Turn around. - I don't think so. - Okay. - You lend me money? - No.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.

- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think. All my new lesbian friends accept me, and that's all that matters. Meg, you're my daughter. I would accept you if you were gay or blind or retarded, but you're not.

I do it for you Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes. Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever.

Can I interest you folks in some of our heavenly cheesecake?

and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Hey, Meg. they got a Happy Days spoof in here... but they call it Crappy Days. All right, you know what? If you're not gonna laugh, then I'm not gonna keep you company.

Run! Run for your lives!

but business is business. So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good. Now, I just need you to sign this. Oh, God. Sorry. Oh, my God. That is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. It will not happen again. We cool? We good?

Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown. No problem, Meg. If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it. Oh, my God. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool. Oh, my God. Totally. I love the color. Really? What color is it? It's like blue, kind of blue-green.

I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way

Oh! Who's that? Who's there? Is there somebody at the door? Somebody at the door? Huh? Somebody at the door? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you.... I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

We'll be back, StewiE. Wait! Is that a real Prada bag? I'd like to propose a toast. to our neighbors. Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but, hey, if they moved out,

I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? You've had this since 1999? You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? It's a song about dogs and letting them out. I could have you arrested for breaking in here. Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine.

No, my pants just got shorter 'cause I hated the idea. And this is Chris. Chris, this is my son, Dylan. Hi, Dylan. All this stuff in here is mine now. Oh. Well, okay, but be careful opening the closet, 'cause that's where the evil monkey lives.

They really hated James Woods. Oh, wait. Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors. But it was for this week afters. Well, why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail. (BOTH GROANING)

- Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Reefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!

Also, I've been under the weather lately, so it may not be my best work. "Shape up or show me your balls."

Shut up, Wil. Stop it, Patrick. You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton.

Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good. Oh, My God! They're at it again! Oh, All this time spent keeping people from having sex!

Tonight it's gonna be four. Are you saying you intend to kill your opponent? Let's just say you don't want to miss round six. (GASPS) Lois, you can't go out there! What? Why not? Because if you step into that ring, she's gonna kill you. No, she's not, Peter. What the hell kind of talk is that?

Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Because that will determine whether or not I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater. TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go. They didn't put masking tape over a seat for Tom Tucker and he's in there pitching a fit. Do you know who I am? I'm Tom Tucker, damn it! I make more in an hour than you make in two hours! The play's about to start.

Hey--hey--Hey, calm down. Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives. What did your therapist say? Dr. Kaplan thinks the, uh, ahem, accidents are linked to some kind of mid-life crisis.

Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.

Did you make that coffee? Uh, no, it was here when I came in. I assume Lois made it. Don't drink that! Hey! That mug was my crew gift from Class Holes!

a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie, and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome. (SIREN WAILING) All right, you got my catchphrases for me?

Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control.

Pardon me, madam. I'm the truant officer. I found these two children of yours playing hooky from school. Oh, my! This will never do, will it, dear? (BABBLING) Chris, you gotta... You gotta... It's important for you to get an education! Get in there and finish your homework!

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right?

We have intelligence that suggests that Hitler is plotting with... With the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus. Using the lake as a base. (ALL MURMURING) ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...

What? No? (STAMMERING) It... This... Okay. That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war?

I don't know. Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand! No, your right hand. LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!

Wow. You certainly look a lot better than that walking corpse I saw last week. Well, no one's ever gonna see that again, I can promise you that. I can't stress how important it is our secret be kept from the public. I understand, sir. And I assure you that Specimen Z is secure on level 12.

It's just that Romeo and Juliet gets me every time. (MUSIC PLAYING) Wow. You work out! So much. ANNOUNCER: We now return to True Blood.

Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene.

(EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid.

Grandpa Griffin? Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears? Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."

I'm telling. I-- N-No! I said "vacuum"! Hurry, Peter, Steve's gonna be here in 5 minutes! Aw, crap! We're dead! I guess this is the end, boys.

There's still time! (CHOKING) (CHOKING) God, Stewie, are you out of your mind?

Now, hand it over, Mr. Top. Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the skull, but you have to catch me first!

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you! Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help! Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle!

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Peter. Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible. Oh, I didn't get any sleep. Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister.

(GRUNTING) Peter. Eat your food, mister. All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin. Peter, put it in your napkin! Put it in your... I'm not gonna...

Mom! We're in here, Lois. He's napping. Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in.

Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices.

and my homeowner's insurance wouldn't pay her doctor bills. Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves. Yeah, you know, they don't seem to pay out on anything. No, not at all, right? Yeah, that's true, they don't pay.

Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion.

Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. (YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch!

She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING) (PANTING) Are you okay? Yeah. I was so scared.

I'm just saying that if you read somewhere that Gwen Stefani was a grandmother, you might not even bat an eye. What the devil? What's going on? I'm sorry, Stewie. Your Aunt Carol's gonna be staying with us for a little while, so she's gonna need your room.

but let's press "play" and find out, huh? You can't get them things wet, by the way, but don't worry, this don't affect that.

Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.

Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

Okay, heart sounds good. All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward. Um, okay. So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING)

So, what do you wanna watch? Well, if you turn on Channel 14, we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

Peter! You've been eating my legs? Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree.

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights.

God, I hate PBS.

Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V.

Did you always know that's what you wanted to do? Well, actually, I really thought I was gonna be an actor at one point. I even got a few high-profile gigs. Really? Anything I've seen? Oh, you ever heard of a tiny little independent movie called Die Hard? Wow! You were in that? Sure was. Hey, what do you say we go back to my place and I'll show it to you? Sounds good to me.

Move the towel. Oh--oh--Oh! They spotted me. Peter, I think this'll be good for you.

Eli! What are you doing with that outsider? Her name is Meg, Father. And I was just showing her our community. You stay away from her. She will try to corrupt you.

I think it's time for me to go. This world's not ready for me yet, and I'm not ready for it. I don't know, maybe I'll try coming back in another thousand years, when I'm a little more mature. Well, that's a very mature thing to say right there. I think you're on your way. Well, before I go, Peter, there's something I want to give you.

were there a pillow available. Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.

Well, the theory states that there are an infinite number of universes coexisting with ours on parallel dimensional planes. Dimensional planes, right. Oh, don't do that. Don't repeat the last two words like you already kind of knew what I was talking about. You have no idea what I'm talking about.

I love smelling me on your breath. Peter, what are you doing here? You're not a member! And that means me and the other jocks get to throw you in the pool. Hey, Banks, Duffy, get over here! This guy's going for a swim. Grab him! (STRAINING) All right, you're kind of heavy, so, we're going to pee on you.

And that secret is-- We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time. Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink 2 days ago! oh, I'll fix your sink, Miss Romano. And by that I mean I'll have sex with you.

I feel like dancing.

I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job. Well, There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on.

Lois, get in here! Shh. Meg's boyfriend.

Highway to hell You are banished from our community at once!

Listen, Bonnie, I... I just want to say I'm sorry. I was a real ass, and I miss you. I'm sorry, too. I know I haven't been that easy to live with lately. Okay. Well, I'm going to go now. Joe, wait.

And I need a little help, ok? Brian, my turkey's in the oven.

Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it. I don't care.

It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

- That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR?

(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home. Oh, you're just in time.

You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her Yeah! Yeah! Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him. Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit. What the hell? TELLER: It's the law, sir.

No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa! I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

I wish there was some way I could have prevented this. It wasn't your fault, Mayor West. There's nothing you could have done. To be honest, I don't remember a thing, except how much I love the Michael Jackson Thriller video. Boy, could that guy dance. Guy dance? Guidance! Source programmable guidance! We can reprogram and disarm the missile from here.

All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out. I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked. Here's your Mikes. What's next? Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.

Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep. (LAUGHING)

I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight."

Is this some kind of pirate school? Well, a certain kind of pirate. Yes, we've been called that. I don't know. Is there some kind of pre-school program?

That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I should be ready to go again in a little bit here. Don't worry, if I need help, I'll just fantasize about that Victorian stripper.

Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian, this move is really working out great. It just feels right, you know. Cool. Rock on, Brian. Okay, done. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Stewie. Hey. What's up?

And over there is the Rhode Island State House, the second largest self-supporting marble dome in North America. Why the fuck am I doing this? I could've just said I did it. Sir, about your bill... Oh, don't worry, Carstairs, there's ample gratuity on there for you. (CHORTLES) Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined.

Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

And Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more!

PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!

I remember I remember the worry, worry How could I ever forget The hurt doesn't show But the pain still grows No stranger to you and me

Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off! Ahh! Great! We're here 5 minutes,

And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis,

but it's very important that you know your limitations. What do you mean? Well, I know they say "Reach for the stars," but if we all did that, there'd be nobody left here on Earth, right? I guess. (CHUCKLES) There you go. Chris, I have watched you grow from a little boy into the young man you are today. I know sometimes life seems tough,

You like me? Oh! Oh, Well, it's not love, but it's a start! Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world! Cookie? Oh, yes, Of course you can have a cookie. Stay right there. "Cookie."

We lived, Lois. We lived our lives. Peter, that former President Clinton is nothing but a bad influence! I forbid you to hang out with him anymore. No way. Bill Clinton makes me feel young. Not like you, with your Judd Hirsch sweater and your bag of Werther's Originals.

Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.

You're always pretty. Oh, you guys are so sweet. Well, it's my pleasure. Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye. (RETCHING) Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know.

Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation Your friends want to go fishing with you This song is from childhood? Live to see tomorrow October 31, 2011

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it.

King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand.

I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you.

God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated! I'm intoxicated all right, Lois, by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket, Cape Cod and all the great destinations that make Massachusetts the wondrous place it is. The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

What's the difference? What's this? This is the bathroom at my work. That's right. And there you are in the stall with your boss, Angela.

I'll take it! Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea. I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations. Aw, That's a small price to pay.

Go on.

(YAWNING) Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

We're gonna turn it on

I don't know what we're afraid of Nothing would change if we made love

Hey, look, it's Snoopy. Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock? Ah, that's... That's a good one. Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby, and you guys took his candy earlier. What do you say you just give it back, and we all forget this ever happened? Sure, why not? Your friend's candy is right around the corner. All right. Terrific.

Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

(SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV) Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...

(EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLING) There you are, Opie. Congratulations. You made Employee of the Month again. (BABBLING NONSENSE) How come I'm never Employee of the Month? Man, this is the worst job I've had since I was the conductor for the Sand People choir. And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING)

Thank you, Mr. President. Thanks, Dutch. And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING) That still doesn't explain what you're doing here.

Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing. Oh, boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap.

Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What?

Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds. (EXCLAIMS) No gravity.

Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you. Are you kidding? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you.

you know, Maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like-- Say, Would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us? He'd love to, Daddy. That sounds dynamite.

Oh, Meg, what do those kids know? They know how to have a good time. So do we. I'll tell you what. How about you and I have our own little spring break? We'll go to that fancy new spa that just opened up in Warwick. Massages and facials. Ah! It'll be great. What do you say? Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than last year when we all went to Sea World.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

Come on! What are you waiting for! Pull the trigger!

Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

I think we know who the flip-flopper is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl. Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me. All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent.

That was close. Huh, That looks dangerous. Somebody's gonna get hurt. It'll be fine.

and I need you to hear me out. Will you promise me you'll do that? I guess. You guess or you will? Yes, I'll hear you out.

I can't. It's itching like crazy. Dad, can I scratch your beard? Have you finished your homework? Yes. Ok then.

Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry. Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it.

Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING) She's gone!

Jonathan!

What's his appeal?

You did say you hated Croolrlyn.

I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No. Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent. (SIGHS) Question number two. Complete this sentence.

Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff. Brian. Brian Steel.

Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

But don't hit him on the head with it. Yeah, thanks. I don't really need any of that stuff. You got any dents you need hammered out? ANNOUNCER: G.I. Jose!

(Lois) Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you!

Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this?

Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach. Like, right? I know. Whatever, because, d'uh! I know, right? Whatever, because, I mean, like, totally full-out. - Full-on. - Right?

Naked Gun movie

Yeah, he kind of is. You and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes. Except that I make 10,000 times what you make. Yeah, we're the same, you and me. You know, Peter, the truth is, I could actually use a regular guy like you to help get our message out, and I know Joe Workingman agrees with me. Love to have you on board, Peter.

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy.

That was a very productive first day, Brian.

I am vanquished. I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy!

The 20th Maine. So many lives lost. All in pursuit of the ideal that no man should be subjugated because of the color of his skin. These boys paid the ultimate price here. For equality. For humanity. You're welcome. I'm sorry? I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know?

Well, I like farts Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts, wet farts Your farts, I like farts, if you've got heart Oh, I've got heart Let's hear those farts How do I start? Well, Peter, I will help you Get your fartin' started (BLOWING RHYTHMIC RASPBERRIES)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate. What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.

My kidney! I wanted you to have it. Oh, Toby, I love it! Thank you!

It came with my Star of David.

All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet.

Jewel! Jewel! Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite. You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Hey, everyone, I'm back! Hello? What the hell? (GROWLING) PETER: Hey, Brian's home! What the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing. Just working on a family project. Getting in some together time. I have a crossbow!

Well, according to these results, Brian is a match. (ALL CHEERING) Hooray, yay, yeah, ice cream sounds great. The only thing is... Mrs. Griffin, could I speak with you and Brian alone, please? Well, of course. Kids, why don't you wait in the car? Okay, Mom.

Great! Who's my partner? Hey there, hot stuff!

I'm sorry. But I've made my decision. We're moving back tO quahog as soon as we can get packed.

PETER: It worked! (GRUNTS) Let me go! Let me go, you bastards! You're all gonna pay for this! Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you.

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

Ugh! Ooh! Ugh!

So, Chris, how's the new school? It's awful! I hate it! Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich. Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible. All right, look, I'll tell you what. I'll call Daddy and I'll see if there's anything he can do. Good, 'cause I haven't been this miserable since I had to throw Rocky Balboa out of the Shamrock Meat Company.

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.

Thanks. You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie.

Brian, spit on me. Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum. How will that cool you off?

If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

Babs, you want to sit and watch... No. I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people... People are gonna be sorry they didn't come.

Hey, guys, I can see the plane that brought us here! If we can figure out a way to get to it, I can fly us home! I got an idea. One of us should pretend we're hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump them. That's perfect, Joe. Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks.

Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now. Oh, my God!

It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery.

Loretta,

You're kidding. No. Total sex change. (LAUGHS) That is hysterical. I know! Suck on that, Quagmire. Yeah, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well. Oh, my God! What does it look like? You know, not half bad.

Give it up, Tucker!

Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts? I'd say come again? And then I'd laugh because I said "come." But thank God that's not the case, eh. You're a Scout. And you know what that means? That means I love you. Hmm.

Hi, honey. What? What'd you say? I just said hi. Is that... Is that Bonnie's dress? Oh, yeah. Susie spit up on me, and I didn't want to go all the way home,

bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?

Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her. You got any weed? I put it in your coat pocket. Here she is. Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening. How do I look, Brian? Uh, you sure do, Meg.

Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife.

You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone!

Chris, honey, can I talk to you? Oh, my God, he's gone! That means this room is mine now. I am gonna party my ass off in here. Great pot, Stewie. Yeah, I got it from our cleaning lady's boyfriend. It's okay, though, 'cause she's gonna use the money to get a mammogram.

all right. All right. I'll kill your mother.

That's Petorian for, "More beer, you slappy-wag." You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to $50. I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. D-d-Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks, while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?

and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home. (WHooSHlNGl What do you think you're doing with my wife? Oh, boy.

Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

(GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest.

Driver's license, Social Security card, passport, title to the house. This puts me in a tough spot. Joe, you can't possibly believe this. You know who Peter is. I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork. Oh, come on, this is identity theft. I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice.

Oh, no, we're too late. I'm sorry, Carol. But if it helps, you're not the first person to get a bum deal. Mr. Edison, we're going to use your invention to power the world. And, Mr. Tesla, we're going to use yours in the background of Frankenstein movies. I wanted that one.

Nah, I can't. I got a wicked bruise on the back of my throat. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem, performed this afternoon by Peter Griffin and his dirt bike.

seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore. Honey, it was just a simple operation. It's no reason to give up on your sex life. I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers. Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh, boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you,

Hey, where are we right now?

What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see. And in case you're wondering why I don't have business charts, yes, I do. All right, I got to say goodbye to the kids. Hey, champ. I want you to have this pocket watch.

Yeah, yeah, I can vouch for him. He's real. He's molested me many, many times.

(LAUGHS) Hey, Mom, do you mind if I go shopping with Jennifer after school? No, Peter, no, no, you're still you. You're just a teenager. You're not switching genders. Ah. I shall return. Well, I'm off to work at the brewery. Okay, have a good day, honey. You know, Brian, you and I should do...

It's a cheeseburger.

You have not said that in a very long time. Well, I'm back on it. Stewie, Penelope is taking you down a dark path. Look, in the past you've done terrible things, but it's always been about the pursuit of your greater goal of world domination. But this girl, she just creates chaos for the sake of chaos. So what are you saying? I'm saying, she's a bad influence on you, and you should stop spending time with her.

(PANTING) (DOGS BARKING)

Oh, my God! We were robbed! Is anything missing? No. I don't think sO. Hey, Where's that picture of me in my 2-piece at the cape? Should I call the cops? I'm guessing a cop May have had something to do with this. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags!

I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss!

Ahh! Oh.

was not written by Virginia Woolf. Yeah, obviously. But, you know, it's pretty much about her.

(SIGHS) The annual Quahog Star Trek convention, where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh. (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny?

I said, no one knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. Fellows, please keep it civil. I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave. Well, Throw down, if that's what you want. Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor. Amazo the Magician. What high School did Paul Stanley go to? New York high School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before K.I.S.S.? Wicked Lester. What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special?

(AIR HISSING) Looks like it's the radiator. Wow! Brian identifies another problem without a solution. Let's see if I can walk home before he shuts up. Geez, Chris, what's your problem? I wanted a ferret! Well, we're just going to have to find a local mechanic.

I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me! - Well, how... Can you get up? - I'll try. (GRUNTING) (GROANING)

Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.

- You were praying! - It was a goof! I was goofing on you! You're disingenuous. Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion.

Come on, Fluffy. Come on, Mittens.

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt.

There's a spot! Ah, Screw thIS.

And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball. You can't just take some Korean-made velveteen primate and call it Rupert. Now, come on, this is all time we could be using to find Rupert's kidnappers. Look, I may as well come clean with you. Rupert wasn't kidnapped.

(LAUGHING) Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

I'm here to try for cheerleading.

Now, we wait.

You needed me You needed me

All right, all right.

Why don't you come back in about, oh, 17 years? B-b-But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only 2 years and-- Blast! This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature. Ok. Our next lot is number 15 in your program. This is a one-of-a-kind item. A super mega-death ray.

It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air. And according to recent polls, air is good. Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother! Oh! Gentlemen, I propose We send a message to tobacco companies everywhere, by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars!

Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards. What's up? What's up? Hey, you know what I hate? When you eat an ice-cream cone and it's all, like, cold, and you're like... (GROANING) And you're like, "Why didn't you warn me that's so cold?" And he's like, "It's ice cream, dude." And you're like, "Oh, man!" But chicks don't do that, because they use a spoon.

A child's laughter.

CARTER: (EXCLAIMS) "All right! Let's go to France." Not bad, eh? Damn it! That was Fox News. Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness and they won't have him slandered.

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

I pull back the sheet, and who is it? Not the kid, but, like, the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor. He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone. But just looking down at his dead face and knowing that he lived near someone who worked with the dad of the kid whose name I never found out,

My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine. Trust me, you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways. Like what? Like... You... Just write down however you think you're talented, and I'll sign it.

But we had a date. I would eat your poo.

Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.

Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

What the hell is going on up there? Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores. Better there than here where all my stuff is. So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11?

All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealing with here. Oh, crap! You smell that? That's brain smell. Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'm taking him to the hospital. No, no. I got one last plan, Meg.

FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING) HOPE: lllo wonder thatpriest kept saying, "Bless you. " (LAUGHING)

10-four, everything is Charlie 40 60. What does that mean? I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far. (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman! MAN ON RADIO: Roger that. We're moving to your position.

f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go! STEWIE: Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it.

(GROANS)

Yay! Lois, these eggs are scrambled. I thought for sure you'd be making eggs Benedict Arnold. (SNICKERS) Brian, stop writing jokes for Peter. And, Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows. Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (HORN BLARES) What? Now I can't say... in my own...house?

There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do. (CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you...

I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived.

that somehow, (SCOFFS) somehow, you have the nerve, the arrogance, to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings. All right, well, fine, okay? I'm not the perfect mother. - Who is? - (SCOFFS) Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the furthest thing from. From the moment you gave birth to me,

Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep. Elliot? Elliot, wake up. Elliot? (GASPS) (RINGING) Officer Swanson here. What? Oh, my God! What is it, Joe? Another camper was strangled half an hour ago. But that means...

How are you?

Oh, yes, yes.

It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap!

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.

- It's gonna be great! - Come on, Lois! Get in there! - Come on! - Take her down! It'll be awesome! I'd really like to see that. (SIGHS) All right, all right. If it'll shut you all up, I'll do it. (BELL DINGS) All right, so how does this work? We gonna pretend to hit each other for a while, then maybe kiss a little? (CHUCKLING) I'm terrible.

All right, we're gonna do it once more.

Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art,

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you.

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it?

We've been up here for four days. Why did you drive the car into the air if you didn't know how to get it back down?

You know, maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise. I mean, there are obviously some problems in your relationship. Who knows, maybe some time apart could be just what you need. Yeah, plus think of all the fun stuff you can do as a single guy. Like going to loud, awful bars and not being able to hear the mediocre-looking chick next to you say something stupid. It's going to be awesome. I don't know how to do anything like that.

I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet. Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois. I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow. You know what would be a great idea for a TV show?

Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice.

Oh, yes, Peter. Welcome to the Silly Nannies. I'm the quarterback, Lesley. This is our team. (SINGING)

G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice! I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk. Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

We should probably get out of your hair. Take it easy, guys.

Trading futures, that's not real. But the money is unreal. Hey. To real jobs. That's it, Fishman. Shirts off. I want to see who's got bigger pecs. Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Pass the salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost-empty squeeze bottle. Hang on.

You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it. Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms "through any crisis in any galaxy."

Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco!

Ok, I'll be there. Peter and Lois were supposed to chaperone Chris' school dance tomorrow night. So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing.

Ok, We've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your, um, um, you know, your background, and--and um, uh, skills. And...

Excuse me, I have been waiting for my prescription for 25 minutes! Oh, I'm really sorry, Ms. Dumott. We'll have that filled for you right away. Guys, what the hell's going on back there? Remember, each pill has to go into the correct bottle.

- You're going down, Brady! - You're the one who's going down, Griffin!

We'll get Lois dowN. Locked and loaded, Sir. Wait. You can't shoot my mom! Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go! All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, huh?

Sorry, Chris. Me and my damn appetite! this isn't the first time it's gotten me into trouble.

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want?

(LAUGHING) Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father. Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad! (CRYING)

Well, Before the disaster, I was a physician. That's terrific. We need a doctor. We sure do. Let's hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. Ah! "Village idiot." That's a good one. On Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis at traffic. Congratulations. PetEr, Maybe we should've just let him be a doctor.

The shortest distance between 2 points is the full-body English, high-arcing rainbow shot. I know what you're thinkiNG.

"'Allo, Mother. "'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?" Oh, God, no! It's an "H" sound, you moron! "H"! "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" ew, Your breath smells like kitty litter! I was curious!

We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time. Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how!

(INAUDIBLE)

- You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? I just used to think he was kind of funny. We should... We should get to the hospital. Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris.

You said we were going to The Price Is Right. Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom,

I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself. Well, your dog was right, Lois. Looks like there's no story here. Michael Moore is clearly not gay. What... No story? What are you talking about? You're the one who sent me to investigate. Now I'm showing you proof and you're dismissing it? I don't understand!

Get rid of 'em! They're not gonna do that, are they? Dad, shut the door, it's freezing!

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

(RETCHING) Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!

All right, get the camera ready. Oh, Luke. Mission accomplished, Peter. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting. That's no good, Brian. Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people.

You know, I had a really fun night, Brian. You seem like a really cool guy. Yeah. Um... Hey, you know, if you don't mind, I'm sort of a low-profile kind of person. So I'm gonna take off before anybody gets the wrong idea here. Hey! Brian, is that you... Is that Lauren... My God...

I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender. Joe, please get out of our way. I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life, but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves. Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Too late!

When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. Don't worry about it, Brian. MAN: Hey, what's going on down there? Nothing. All right. All right, now, where would they keep a dead body in a pharmaceutical lab? (GASPS) Brian, look.

It was my job to keep the children from eating each other. Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy!

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your husband has amnesia. Oh, my God! Is it permanent? Well, there's no telling for sure.

Why are-- Why--

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit!

Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on! Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink?

Come on. I have a little place we can go to. NORA: Wow, I've never seen a sofa in a bathroom stall before. JOE: Well, I'm the only one who comes in here, so I figured I'd make it my own. How are you enjoying your steak? NORA: Mmm. It's delicious. Let me put another log on the fire. (FIRE CRACKLING) Thanks, Joe. It was getting a little chilly in here.

Uh, Something near a window. Preferably a booth. Ugh! Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen! Yeah, that's authentic ItalIAN. Oh, Don't do that. That's what they expect you to do. Ok, fine for you. But what about your puppies?

I'm gonna be watching it from the stands, Lois, because the Black Knight is just a big jerk! Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum. There you go, All fixed. Ha! Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake. Oh. Well, Did you save it?

Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS) Carter, get out of here this instant! I don't ever want to see you again. Pussycup, please. Mrs. Pewterschmidt, Carter has something important to say to you. I'll set the mood. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow,

Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.

Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy.

In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project. Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed. Well, someone should be. I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris. We just don't know what else to do. Well, I think we may have a solution. We have these cats that hang around the school, and we feed them.

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am.

I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. Peter, look out! Holy crap! Oh, my God! Mr. Tucker, are you all right?

Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off. What are you talking about? I'm talking about my meat. Gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking it, I just push it in like a button and put a Band-Aid over it. What kind of Band-Aid? Big one. Big giant one. No, just one of those little dots you put on a shot.

A soup kitchen, Dad? Isn't there any other place we can go? We're homeless, Meg. This is where homeless people go.

Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.

Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts. (FARTS) (AIR HISSING) (FARTS) (AIR HISSING)

I say, hello! You there, I'm ready to get out! Somebody! Oh, my! What was that? Well, Hello, Mr. Water Jet. StEwie, are You ready to-- Go away!

Enjoying the view? It's glorious, Edwin. Would you like another salad bowl of chocolate-covered oysters? Is that gay enough? And then some. This has been the gayest vacation I've ever had. I love smelling me on your breath.

Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend... Jerome? Loose Lois? What? You guys know each other? Know each other? Peter, Jerome is an old boyfriend of mine.

Say, listen, Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile, but there's one person I really want you to meet. Oh, yeah? Who's that? The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power. I answer to the power of Jesus Christ.

(MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush. - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry.

Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my savior. It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. I want to share the word of God with everyone I know, starting with my family. Now, everyone hold hands, because we're gonna say grace before we eat. Dad, would you like to do the honors?

Oh, not the kennel. Last time you left me there for an hour. Or 10 years, I don't know. There's no clock there! You stink when you come out of there.

You'll feel it in my kiss I'm crazy for you ALL: Bah Crazy for you

they are no longer funny to me.

Brian, I suddenly feel as if I've just been through some sort of major trauma. Uh-oh. I think I know what that major trauma was. (GASPS) My birth.

Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

(SHOUTING) (ROARING)

I'll probably just remain mayor of this great city. And I know this is real because you're not rabbit-people. What a day. You both did your civic duty and you saved Mayor West.

"Faster Than the Speed of Love."

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again!

QUAGMIRE: No!

But when I saw the movie, it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's, she hadn't eaten anything in a year. WHoo! I am such a bitch! We have everything we need. And--And no crime, no guns, no pollution.

uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance?

Come on, I got to watch the Emmys. Peter, you're going to Meg's play and that's that. Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first.

you let me out of here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again. RED: When I got out of Shawshank, there was only one thing on my mind. A promise I made to a friend that I had to keep. ANDY: Walk along the stone wall until you reach the tree,

Yeah. No, let's keep going.

Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men...

(SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances. How is he, Doctor? Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe. I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour.

Dad?

And I didn't cheat. Wow. You probably should have. Yeah. I was just gonna say that.

It comes out very ropey, is my point. But I gotta take a bath. Go on, then. We're both men. Well, all right, I guess. There you go! (HEARTY LAUGH) Look at that! What is...

All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow.

Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel!

Sweep that up. Put it up in your room, but sweep it up first!

What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't his absence slightly odd? Maybe he's forgotten you Chumba Wumba

Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! Ah. Peter, How the hell can you afford lobster on your salary? I got a raise. What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises.

Well, Look at you there. Well, You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo!

Biomolec... I don't understand. Come on. I'll show you what I did yesterday. "It'll make you feel young as when the world was new."

Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold. Duh!

What is this? (MUSIC TINKLING) (CONTINUES TINKLING)

(GROWLING) Oh! Oh, God, stop! (SCREAMING)

What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage? And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition.

What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy. Yeah, but this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different. Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis. Well, but... See, there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic. I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no. Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it!

Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you.

I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.

Meg, that was awesome. On the road again Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again

Ooh, you make me live now honey Ooh, you make me live Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had I've been with you such a long time

(LAUGHING) I think you know what I want. This is awesome. We should have our own TV show.

You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her! I can't work this way. I quit! Fine. We can't do The King and I without Anna. Yeah. This is a real snafu. We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along.

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well! Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter.

All right, show me "him, masturbating." (ALL CHEERING)

Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that? You better play ball or we'll find someone else who will. I'll play ball. You know what, West? You can have your job back.

Boy, nothing like a beer with the fellas, eh? Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes? Oh, you mean foot prisons? Yes, I would.

(SQUEALING) Gotcha!

You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

Yeah, it's been pretty great. You know, I even won a deep voice contest with Joe yesterday.

So does everyone else! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning. The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder. Good night, Stewie. If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands. Itell you....

I'm gonna need a check for the dentist. Peter has two cavities. I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget. Anything else I should know about? Well, my science class is taking a field trip to the water purification center. And? And it costs $10 for lunch and the bus.

Use the other mustard! Oh, no. The burglars got my baby. I think they're making a sign to tell us something. Better not be using my crayons, mixing them up. "We have your son." Meg's our daughter.

DamN! Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future. We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig? Marty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch. Damn! Brother done kissed his mama!

I thought, "Is this in bad taste?" But you know what? I went for it. I went for it and I am so glad I did. Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.

(CREAKING) Oh, my God! Carolyn? Cleveland? Oh. Hey, Brian. Close that window. You're letting all the stank out.

I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names.

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?

W-w-Wait a second. Could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad? It is! Go, Freedom Train! I've seen enough. I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day! Wait--wait--Wait!

Boy, this is nice. I wonder what the inflight movie is? Joe, it's a private plane. There is no inflight movie. Instead, Topher Grace himself comes out to entertain you. Hey, guys, as you probably already know, I'm Topher Grace. So, I'm here to answer any question you have. Personal, life, career. I'm an open book. No questions.

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines. Y-You could! You--and--And not just like Jugs,

It's very superficial. Thank you! You've made my decision easier! Yes! That! Knit that!

Mission accomplished, gentlemen. Warhead has been destroyed. We've saved millions of lives.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Griffin, I need you to run these shipping reports upstairs to the CEO.

Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!

(SIGHS) Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out. I'll just take him for a ride in the car, he'll forget all about it. (SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car!

This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

Yeah, those are looking good. Yeah. Manuel? Manuel, do you want... Uh, c-Can you ask him if he wants cheese? Hey! Hey! Fidel, no running around the pool! I say, I say, Ahmed. What is that thing you people do when you're about to assassinate an infidel? Ah, You mean this?

(SCREAMING) Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista. What's the worst that could happen?

Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love. Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh, excluding that first "ha." Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Ok, you can go to jail with him! What? 24 months in prison? Unacceptable!

It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie.

(STAMMERS) What happened? He fell. - Huh? - He fell. Fell in the pit. Oh! Good. Yeah.

You guys thought Joe was something. You ain't seen nothin' yet. Peter, what's the big rush? All right, you guys wait right here. Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal. LEt's Give Tammy a round of applause. This was her first robbery and she was very brave. Mmm.

You made muffins? Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy. Or was it? (LAUGHING) - Go ahead, try it. - Peter. Try it.

Hey, Stewie, you up? What the... Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me.

Sure. That'd be great.

No, it's a tumor.

Your husband must go out in the wilderness without food or water. Or shoes. Yeah. Or shoes.

The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine

I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay!

I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light. Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do? I got first place, Dad.

MAN'S VOICE: The uncle says... (CLEARING THROAT) The grandpa says... OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh!

Well, Chief, I'm here because I want you to put me on the Briggs case. Absolutely not. Come on, Chief! I know everything about Briggs. I'm the only one who can catch him. No, Swanson, you're too close to the case.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Game of Thrones on BET.

Run! There you are. Oh, Don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Oh. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baa-shful?

Oh, no. You mean... That's right, baby. As of last night, we're man and wife. By the way, I need you to call my pimp and tell him I quit. Oh, my God, I... I married a hooker? Married? All right, bachelor party! Come on! Back to Boston!

Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.

Let's go. I guess this is good-bye. Meg, you're the man of the family now. Be strong. Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man. Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like.

Father, what are you doing? I am going to kill that man. That man is my girlfriend Meg. (PETER CHUCKLES) This is against everything our people stand for.

Sorry. I just farted.

Yeah, it's weird. He doesn't even talk. Well, he was living among wild animals for two months, and you know how impressionable your dad can be. Hmm... Peter, this is your home. (GRUNTING) This is the couch where you sit.

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING)

You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me!

Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

It's like, yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit? Oh, my God, I overslept. My final exam's in 20 minutes. Brian, you'll never make it. Unless there was some kind of team of people who could get you there in time. Peter, do you know anybody like that?

(KOKOMO PLAYING)

Go! Come on, you guys. Do it with me. Go bananas. Yeah! (SHOUTING) Whole body, Joe. Whole body. Come on. Go bananas. Am I doing it? Am I doing it? Fuck's the matter with you guys?

The truth. Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once. (SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)

Hey. Sorry I'm late. Brian! What are you doing here? I'm in your class. What? No way! I don't want you in here! Too bad. Here's my class receipt. Now teach me how to find love. All right. Fine. But you lick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.

(CHUCKLES) That's the way it goes around here. Once you come in, you're never allowed to leave. I got my sentence extended 30 days once. That was 45 years ago. Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do.

Is this what you're looking for?

If he pointed to the left, you did hard labor. If he pointed to the right, you died. That man was Franz Schlechtnacht. I was spared death, but I was given hard labor. He made me sort the camp recyclables.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable.

So I have no choice but to set you free. Does that mean I get my kids back? Absolutely not. Case closed. Oh, crap! It was prison you were thinking of. Prison. I already banged the hammer. MAN: And now, back to Jake and the Fatman. Hey, look over here on the carpet. That's a cigarette butt.

Pass before my eyes, that curiosity Dust in the wind All they are is dust in the wind

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Second-degree burns, first-degree fun. Geez, how long we got to stand out here like this?

You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap.

Like when he was a boxing coach. Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him! (BELL DINGING) You know what I'm going to tell you. I got to punch him... You got to punch him more. Hey, you ever check Joe's Facebook? Ugh, I know. Awful.

Unfortunately for me, he was also a paraplegic. Guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Holy crap! I think we got one! Aw, damn it! It's just a dolphin. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Sorry, did I get in the way of something? No, it's all right. We were just trying to get some of them sunken Mercedes. Oh, yeah, there's a great big pile of them down there. Me and my mates, right, we was having a laugh sitting in of one of them,

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III.

life is a terrible thing. Yeah, but if you got your family to help you get through it, it's not quite as bad. And, hey, at least I get my old job back. You know, from now on, let's not complain so much. (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) PETER: Let's not complain. BRIAN: Let's be grateful, huh? Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?

We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time. Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider!

Play me down the stairs, boys. Good day. Enchante. Pasta Fazul. Mmm. Looking good, fellas.

All right. Ding, ding.

Can I help you, gentlemen? Follow that truck. Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck." Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please." Please follow the truck. Please follow the truck. (TIRES SQUEALING)

And where, if you think you can dance,

(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris!

Bye, you guys. Have fun at school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Peter, stop pouting. All you got to do is finish third grade and you'll get that promotion.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, authorities are still searching for the culprits in a series of horrific acts of destruction all across... Scroll down, guys. ...the globe. That could've fit on there. There was a long space at the end of that line.

Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! Keep going. No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano?

What? I don't understand. You're not wearing a watch. Well, you see, that's sort of a joke, Peter. Oh. Well, that's not that funny. It's kind of funny, you know. No, it's not funny. See, if you had said something like, "It's half past a freckle." (LAUGHING) You know, I'm thinking, of the three of you,

Drago! You know the exam's in three hours? Ah, crap! All we've done is work out. - We should study. - Right.

Just go around it. He's not gonna hurt ya. Just go around it.

What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. (FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.

Brian. Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking... How about we go on an actual date? Uh-huh. Sounds great! Bye. So? Well, guess who has a date on Saturday?

Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom.

Go on, take it. Wait over there.

No one in this town will hire you. Oh, yeah?

Relax, Stewie. He said it looks benign. We'll just have to wait and see. Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him.

I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score.

Atta girl! Shake your money-maker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Oh, my God! It's a chick! All right, everybody! This party's over! Hey, Why do you cops always have to kill our buzz? He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas.

(SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

Just one!

And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair. Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us. Yeah. All right, that makes sense.

Yeah, they also have stork startling. Squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety! (LAUGHING) Your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence.

Wow, this is awesome! And later, I'm gonna go lift free weights in a parking lot!

And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah.

Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor. I am so gay for you, Scott. I'm so gay for you, Peter. Penis for your thoughts. I just... You complete me, you know that?

I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy. We must kung fu fight!

Hiya, Brian. All right, Peter, now I know your head is still a blank slate, but you gotta listen to me when I say... Wait. Did you just call me "Brian"?

No, it's not. Adam can charge whatever he wants for a parking ticket. You know, Meg, that guy's been playing fast and loose with his position for years now, and I've had it. He's a corrupt bastard. That is not true. Yes, it is. Somebody's got to stand up and prove to this town that he's a crook. And it looks like it has to be me. What was all the commotion?

Come on, Death. You can do this.

It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?

Oh, Brain.

Ah! Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home. Meg, you made a friend. What a lovely house, Mrs. G. Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart. Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice. You know what's nice? Having a friend like Meg.

No, thank you. I just had it cleaned. No. Ah, Jeez. All set, sir.

Hey, get back here! Hey, that's my candy! Damn you, that's my candy! How could this day get any worse? (EXCLAIMS)

(STUTTERS) Is that? Is that right? Yeah, that's right, buddy. Totally Jane Fonda. It's gonna be okay. Your pal Stewie is right here. (DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter? - Rice cakes. Never had one, but somebody told me this is a really good way to start your diet.

it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids. Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

(SOBBING) I hate your north side face!

Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands

Okay, first of all, can... (ECHOING) What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING)

Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full-blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. (SIGHS) America.

(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING)

(SIGHING) Look at him go.

Well... I'm president of the Luke Perry Fan Club, quahog Chapter. Hmm. But I've wanted to go to Brown ever since I was a little girl. Well, actually, I really wanted to go to Wellesley. But my mom said I might as well buy hiking boots and call myself a lesbian right now. Meg, eat your salad.

I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but...

How could you leave me in there? She's... Okay, see? It resolved itself. Oh, I forgot one thing.

And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop. (GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell?

Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor. - In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here. Fine. Weirdo.

Why would anyone want to kill Chris? I don't know, but I do know that he's in a great deal of danger right now. Come on. Let's go! Yeah! But wait, this is our last chance to do a panty raid! (GIRLS SCREAMING) Yay! Fat camp! We got it! Oh, no, a gust of wind! (WIND HOWLING)

What you and I... You can go ahead and put your clothes back on. What you and I had was a wonderful thing, and as much as I still have a great deal of love for you, our time is over. I love somebody else.

Sorry, Lois. Regulations. I can't give you any special treatment. It's ok, Joe, I understand. Shut up, maggot!

Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha.

It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning

You... You didn't? No, I didn't. Look, I thought about it, and to be honest, it's probably my fault for leaving you alone in the car. And if you promise never to do it again, I won't say anything. Okay, I promise.

Morning, Lois. And you were worried. Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on. Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.

And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then, son, You know... Oh, my God! Fire!

Mom held hands with a woman at the gas station this morning. Don't know what that means. Just reporting it.

I drank eight gallons of water today. This baby's ready to explode!

Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks. Tell him it sucks! Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser!

I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter. Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a...

(PETER GIGGLING)

('80s MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--

Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)

I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No! - I get involved? - What? I get involved with lady? What do you think? Turn around.

Go! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIGHS) (SHANIA TWAIN PLAYING YOU'RE STILL THE ONE )

Well, If we're gonna hide out here in Asiantown, we have to find a place to live. Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders.

ooh! th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M...

Oh, my God. Lois, you're right. Adam, I'm sorry. I can't marry you. What? But, Carol... I'm so sorry, Adam. (SOBBING) (SOBBING)

(BRIAN CRYING) What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey!

Must kill star. Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder?

and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback. Jesus, that one was all over the place. I should have been quicker than that. I should've said, "Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend?" And then I'd go like this. Oh! That's so good! Why didn't I say that? If only I had a time machine, I could go back in time and have that comeback ready.

(FARTS) Mustache fart. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hello, I'm looking for Peter Griffin. I'm Peter Griffin. Mr. Griffin, my name is Todd Meyers. I'm the man you rescued from McBurgertown. Oh, yeah, you're the guy who cost me my mustache. What, did you come over here to rape my daughter? No, I own the restaurant. And to show my gratitude,

Lois, no one really needs glasses. You wear glasses. That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

I'm going upstairs.

Throw that away. I don't want to go. Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night. Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.

(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out.

What is this? What are you doing? Hitching a ride. I'm gonna keep heading north until I find Santa. Stewie, you're not gonna find him. You do what you want, Brian, but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard! Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice. You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist.

You, me, Jillian and her fiance. Unless you're uncomfortable. I would have no problem with that. I'd love to meet the fiance. Great. And I'm sure DeShawn would love to meet you. DeShawn? Ah! His name's Derek! But look at your face! MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Hills.

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart. Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.

(CHOKING) God, Stewie, are you out of your mind? Trust me, I'm only doing what's best for you. Well, I do feel pretty thin and wonderful. And I still got to eat the donut. - Why isn't everybody doing this? - They are. (DOORBELL RINGS)

TOM: We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news. An aide to Mayor Adam West has been found stabbed to death at the mayor's mansion. That's right, Tom. Police say the victim was killed by a knife belonging to the mayor, who is considered the prime suspect at this time. Oh, my God. Uncle Adam! Uptown emergency. Don't got to finish my green beans.

Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me.

No! Wait! Oh, my God. What's that? I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. Don't do whatever you're about to do. God help us. This is no way to live. (BOTH RETCHING) (ALL CLAMORING)

Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box, and I want a Magna Doodle and a new Uno game 'cause I lost a "Draw 2" card. And I want a pet animal that's half-chinchilla and half-mink, 'cause it'd be really soft, and I could call it chink, and that's okay.

We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear!

All right, class, today we're going to be talking about variables. (CLASS GIGGLING) Okay, it's just a rear end. We all have one. Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's.

(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS) Head for the tracks! (GUNSHOTS FIRED) Oh, no, they're shooting at us! Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots. Man, these guys are elusive! Quick! Hop on!

Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead. That reminds me of a guy you might have heard of, John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived. You know what he once said?

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

LOIS: Peter, I don't think this is the right horse. PETER: I am 100% positive this is the right horse.

Hey, there's Renee Zellweger. Hey, Renee, how you doing?

he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed. Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ! Now, go get them! All right, my thanks again to Dave Coulier.

(GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.

Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death.

Come on, everyone. The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start. Mary, have you seen Nicholas? He's up in his room sulking, Dad. Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards. Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich. Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.

This is gonna be way better than when we had that Victorian girl ghost over for dinner. (MUSIC BOX TINKLING) (CRYING) My governess drowned me in a well. You are a horrible dinner guest.

(SCREAMING) (PEOPLE SHOUTING) Well, I guess he did do it.

How's your oatmeal, honey?

No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here?

We're off to Bethlehem! (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Ghost.

Hey, New Brian. I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus. There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.

What about Seamus? You hated James Woods. You told me so! Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today. (SIGHS) I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain. But he didn't wish hard enough! It only worked on me head!

Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy.

Hey, how do we know what's gonna happen? For all we know, Meg might want to Amish herself. I had not considered this. I was verily preoccupied with Eli's corruption. Plus, it is the time of the month when Eli's mother is on the burlap. So what do you say, let the kids give it a shot?

The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib. Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING) Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

You know, how dare they question our friendship? We're friends, right, Peter? 'Course we are, Brian. Friends with benefits. (CHUCKLES) Just kiddin', buddy. Wow. You really got into it, you weirdo. Uh, Peter, your seat belt back here doesn't work right. What's gonna happen to you that hasn't already happened?

What? Well, that doesn't sound good. All right, I'm gonna go out and look for him. I'll take my Don Don. Well, I can't go outside. It's cold out there. You can't go out there in this weather. Your Don Don will freeze. Then I'll see you in hell! SOLDIER: Wait, Han. You'll need this. What? (SNICKERING) Bag of ice. You knucklehead. Get out of here, but know I love you.

And besides, how exactly do you think we're supposed to live here on the playground? We'll do fine, Brian! Everything is right here where we need it! The jungle gym is the grocery store, the swing set is the mall, the seesaw is the post office, and the sandbox is our summer home. Can you believe it, Brian? We... We have a summer home! I mean, yes, we'll... We'll have to rent it out some years to help pay for...

Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. But I do have a job to do. So get moving. 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty. Doodie means poop. It does. Are you, Dad? Are you the only one who does his duty? That's not how I remember it. What are you talking about? You don't remember, do you? I was in first grade.

Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food. Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl!

I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already.

Come on, Death. You can do this. Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery? Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches.

I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

Okay, that was weird. That was weird. Right? Oh, my God, so weird. I tell you something, if he touches my daughter, I'm gonna be kicking butts and taking names! And then giving those names to other people whose butts I kick. (GRUNTS) - What's your name? Derek. What's your name? (GRUNTS) Michael. You're Derek now!

I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone. Sometimes I forget. Anything else I should know about?

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider She didn't care if the whole world looked Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her She was a sister who really cooked

Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college!

uh, ahh! Ahh!

WOMAN: Hey, Griffin! (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson! Who's that? Only the deadliest fighter in all of women's boxing. She's killed three people in the ring. BRIAN: Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian.

And take your whore daughter with you! How did it go, Dad? Very well, Meg. My recollection is that it went extremely well. Really? Oh, my God, Dad, that's fantastic! So I can see Eli again?

You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama! All right, let's get this place cleaned up.

(BELLS CHIMING) Ice cream truck! You didn't get any ice cream? The ice cream man was handsome. I got nervous.

so now it is official. Let me touch your face! Lois, we could use your help in Coach. Ok, e-everyone, it's time for my one-man show, Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye. Ok, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh. "Would you like some tea? "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help! Oh, My God! George! Did you not hear me out there? Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!

No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses.

Yeah, what gives? If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks.

So, don't think you always have to bug me. I'll keep that in mind. Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow? Man, you neighbors are like viruses. Starts with a screwdriver. Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman. Jeez, Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.

You've really got to stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves. Well, you know what will ease your stress?

Everyone leave. I have to poop.

Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?

Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

No, it isn't. It's just too much to ask. Too much to ask. (SOBBING)

and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin?

Lois! Ah! Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois,

Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover.

Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing. About anything.

(YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating?

Levittown-type housing communities will replace individualism with fear and conformity. What do you think of that new kid at school, Marty McFly? Seems like he just showed up out of nowhere.

I can't believe we're going out. This is so cool. Neil. Neil, not so fast. Meg, you need to fulfill your contractual obligations. What are you talking about? All right, Meg, according to the contract... every night, you have to put on my pajamas.

Hmm. Driver's license, Social Security card, passport, title to the house. This puts me in a tough spot. Joe, you can't possibly believe this. You know who Peter is. I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork. Oh, come on, this is identity theft.

What? Well This is insane! That's impossible!

The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become!

So Dad's gonna be gay forever? Possibly, Meg.

And f ha ve James Woods too - Shauna? - Brian, over here. I couldn't save your seat. I know I'm late, I apologize. - Hello, fellow moviegoer. - Sorry, I couldn't get him to move. undefinedWhere have you been? " just had it out with Peter.

Fonz, f wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, f ha ve erectile dysfunction. - 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. Eh.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Thank you very much. Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up. Ah, Please flush the toilet twice.

All right, then let's eat. I know you all hate eggplant, but... What on earth was that?

Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?

Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there. You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

We've got a runner in Sector G.

Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us.

You see, none of us are perfect. (PEOPLE CHEERING)

(PANTING)

Phew! It's okay. It's just the stuffed bear from the great outdoors. Did you see The Great Outdoors?

Are we really buying fish at the same place we buy tires? And, what... "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player?

'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets! And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle! Yeah, I heard it. They say my name on TV all the time. Calm down, bitch. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me,

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better. (STATIC BUZZING)

Well, I am poor. Oh. Oh, I see. What the... Ow! Ow! Ow!

I can't look. I didn't look when Lois gave birth and I can't look now. You can just tell me what it looks like. You ever see a horse blink his eye? Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Brian. We'll be upstairs. Yo, Rita. You want in on this? No, thanks. We just got engaged. I'm faithful to Brian now. Whatever. This ain't even my whole night.

(MOANS) Thank you.

What about this, Meg? A pink baby tee that says "Little Slut?" undefinedThat seems pretty hip. " don't know if that's really me, Mom. Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"... and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter.

Let someone else worry about hurricanes.

What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there? Oh, my God. Stewie, just shut up and go to bed! Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep. Finally. Look, Mom, I've had it. I am not baby-sitting anymore. It's Saturday night, I could be out having a life. Meg, if you don't want to baby-sit anymore. that's fine.

Oh! I think it's sexy. I think it's gay. It's not gay, Brian.

Yeah, the opening's okay. And I guess you can't hate Copacabana. Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow.

Hey, is that an original Matisse? Uh, Hey, uh, Bonnie. Uh, Listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did, when he used to entertain terminally ill kids.

Green Are you dead?

Please, you've gotta help us! You're lucky it's Christmas or I'd call the cops on you dirty grifters! Now you and your whore wife get out of here! Peter, you handled that perfectly. Merry Christmas, Lois. MAN: Please! We're begging you! I'm getting the baseball bat.

I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No! Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever,

He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. - Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here?

Brian, it gets worse. Look.

I think I may be having sort of a mini freak-out here. Oh. Just tell me I don't have to stay in this room. - What? - Just tell me, right now, that I don't have to stay in this room. You don't have to stay in this room. Oh, thank Christ!

(GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING)

So remember, sex is bad, immoral, and wrong. And if you have sex, you're automatically in Al-Qaeda.

Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something. PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh! What a very interesting thing.

She's... Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Stephanie was an accident.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin. Mmm-hmm. Smooth. I'd better go start dinner. Well, well, well!

It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it!

eh...

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex! Oh, And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby.

(SPUTTERS) (GRUNTS) Work, damn it. What the hell? What's going on with the news? This is terrible. Yeah, has he lost his mind? Well, I'll be damned. If I knew he was gonna do all that stuff I told him, I would've told him more stuff. What? Peter, you told him to do this crap? Yeah, he came to my house when he found out I was a Nielsen family.

That one is also sexual. Well, I guess with good behavior,

thanks to guilty white people with no weekend plans! ALL: Yay! Peter, what the hell? Where's your ski mask? It's kind of hard to breathe in those things, so I just dressed up like Harry Potter. (SIGHS) All right, let's go.

(ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next. Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm.

Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here?

We are gonna have such a fun time.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude.

Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy? Hi, Lois. Hi.

- That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR?

No, I went for a flu shot. At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome. I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

If you want, you guys can tag along.

Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world. Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here. Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog. How dare you? How dare you?

Ahh!

...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million!

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder!

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men.

Lois, the bird must die! it's gone! It's gone! Oh, Thank God!

You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first? Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade oh, You're one to talk.

It's not, Lois. It's not.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off. Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess. Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.

Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough?

Peter, she milked your boobs, and there were a lot of people I knew there.

Wait a second, Brian.

You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to. This interview is over. What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING)

Oh, Cleveland, isn't there anything I can do to make you happy? Yes, there is. You can live your life, Loretta. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can. I love you.

Hey-oh mother africa

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you want?

Which one of you is the lucky bride? What's your name, sweetie?

Move it, you slowpoke! The Iight's green! What does that cloud look like to you? To me it looks like rain! I used that joke at work. I'm the funniest guy at the office. They say I should do standup. This is insane!

Excuse me, sir. I haven't even-- Oh! Oh, That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! Hey, put skinny back up there. Peter! You think this is easy? You want to come up here and try this? I thought you'd never ask. Uh, Peter, Maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes.

I don't know, man. We didn't get the shots we need. Man, what do you think, Mike? I mean, if you saw action going on in front of you, would you know instinctively to center it in front of you? I don't know. Could someone take my soda out of the icebox please, so it doesn't freeze? (ORCHESTRA PLAYING) (PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Check it out. Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to. I've been spoiled by Internet porn. - It's true. - Totally. What do you mean, "Internet porn"? You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands,

You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner.

Do you want the heat on, sir? Yes, please.

Isn't that right, Saul? Yes, sir. Verbal contract. Thank you. Glad to see you all found your way over from the cemetery. I'm Leonard Hale, Mr. Weed's lawyer. We found this tape among Mr. Weed's personal effects with instructions that it be screened immediately following his funeral. Enjoy. Good morning. Camera time.

All right, ladies, you ready for action? We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? Got it right... Wait, what?

And what about Quagmire? Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me. He ruined your TV pilot! Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly.

I--I don't know about this. Hey, We all did it. If you want to be a Supreme Court Justice, you gotta pick up that cherry with your butt cheeks, and drop it in that beer. Come on! Go, Souter! Go soUter! Go souter! Go soutEr! Oh! my God!

I couldn't hear you, and besides, you're always yelling about something. How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch.

Shut up! (WAILING)

Hey, Brian, thanks for helping get rid of Miss Emily. Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing.

Oh, my God. Look at thIS.

(PLAYING STAR WARS THEME)

See this car? I restored it myself this summer. I was here for 12 weeks. I had to do something. But along the way, I learned about honesty, integrity and cold-filtered Miller Genuine Draft. (BURPS) That's an adult beverage right there. You understand what I'm trying to say to you? Yes, but I have just one question.

But I.... You.... No more TV. Well, how about no more job? You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches? I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun.

You're gonna hear from my lawyer. Yeah, you know, I would welcome that. I would welcome the opportunity to hear from a lawyer that represents a gazelle. What's his name? Yeah, I don't have a lawyer. And I'll tell you something about Dean Martin. He was the only guy on a golf course who had a five-iron with a cork on the end of it.

brothers, bike cops. Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell. I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails are the same color as my school bus. You really think that splashing magic water on Stewie

Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing.

That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity.

Well, I guess you can stay here. But I'll tell you one thing... Hang on a sec. What is that? I don't know. It's trying to do something. Oh. Well... Well, I guess we're just gonna have to wait.

than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse.

I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons. All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781.

Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Boy, it's really raining hard. Yeah, well, we needed it. What?

Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset. No, no, No, Peter.. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils. 3 of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament. Oh, Come on,

- Highlights! - Okay. Hey, will you sign this form that says I hit on you? Sassy! You've got me sweating above and below my ass. Let's go, lover.

Come on, Stewie.

Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck!

WOODS: Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care not available to the rest of society. My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital,

Ok, so on the count to 3, you try to push me out of the ring, I try to push you out of the ring. Ok? Ready? 1, 2, 3! ow. What--What the hell? What the hell? Brian, I'm sorry-- No! No, No. You know what? It's not cool, Peter. It's not cool.

this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway.

The one you promised to make for me, your daughter? I lied. (HANGS UP) Lois, you can't stay mad at him. He's rich and successful. It doesn't excuse what he did. It'll be fine. He'll just do a magazine cover with a wink to who he is, and all will be forgiven. Oh, Daddy.

(SIGHS) The annual Quahog Star Trek convention, where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight. Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter.

I--i disagree. I felt a total lack of ethical integrity in her readiness to abandon her children and start a life of her own. Ah, Here's another thing: The book can also be a hat.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, a dollar! Hey, there, Chris. Hi, Mr. Herbert.

Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive, every one of you! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country, but the record wouldn't allow it. But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. And that's where Chris came into the picture.

(CARTER SCREAMING) That's the power of "please," kids.

(PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film? Don't worry, Lois. There's a dog turd in there.

'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

A-a-ahh!

You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts,

Oh, I don't know. I've kind of got my own life now. All right, if you have a sudden change of heart, and you want to chase us down the street as we're pulling away, you know where to find us.

You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right.

- What is this, Lois? - It's jambalaya. It's a new recipe.

You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.

It's great to have visitors. Except for that time Moby-Dick stayed with us. Do you have any Raisin Bran? Uh, oh, no, sorry. (SIGHS) Well, can you go get me some? Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together.

Meg, Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God!

Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew!

This guy worked and worked and never wanted to retire, even though it would've been the best thing for him. You know what that man's name was? Jon Benet Ramsey. (STUTTERING) I think. I think that's the guy. What? You're darn right, what. Now, let's get back in there.

Sweet dreams, kiddo. You have the power to end this! How'd she take it? I told her she was fat. No. No. I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from the truth. You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon.

Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words. This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas.

That's not a crime. Well, shouldn't it be? I'll be right there. (POLICE SIREN WAILING) (AFRICA PLAYING) Boy, I haven't heard this song in a long time. Police! What's going on? Bonnie? Joe? What are you doing here?

Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six,

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight To a bathroom stall delight To a bathroom stall delight Where a girl will help you empty Every last electrolyte Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech,

which in these times is just a guy. When do I start? Oh, he's coming! Oh, it hurts so bad! God, I hate working on Christmas. Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing?

Squeeze, squeeze.

text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place. Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those? Dude, this car kicks ass,

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

You're not going to kill yourself for that fat bastard! Look, I've made up my mind, all right? Now untie me. No, I will not! How dare you make plans to abandon me! Come on, you, you can live without a dog, Stewie, but you can't live without a father. And besides, how exactly do you think we're supposed to live here on the playground? We'll do fine, Brian! Everything is right here where we need it!

and now nobody makes those jokes anymore. I mean, he's still gay, but now it's no fun to joke about it, because he... He beat us to the punch. My God! That little pole-smoker's a fucking genius! ...and so did the Corinthians finally write back to Saint Paul, saying,

Family, we need to talk. Your father was sexually harassed at work today. What? That's right. Angela grabbed my ass. So what? Peter, a woman can't sexually harass a man.

LOIS: Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you!

so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area... Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..." War, war, war! That last sentence was about war! Look, an expert confirmed that the blackmail note was signed by the victim. That points irrefutably to West.

(CAR CREAKING)

You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.

Oh, yeah.

(HISSING)

watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins. Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited. The black ball's done nothing wrong. If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.

No. Minority scholarship. No.

Oh. Hey. This is the week you guys were coming up? Huh. And here I am, cream on my face, hair a mess, and in mid-coitus. I must look a sight.

What am I gonna do, Brian? James Woods has taken my life and my family. I know, Peter, but identity theft is one of the hardest things to fight. How you gonna handle it? I don't know, Brian. All I know is, I sure do miss Lois. I gotta find a way to see her. And I think I just got an idea.

Yes. Yes. Very good. YeS.

Hey, did you see a hand come down here? No.

(GASPS) There he is. The reason my bedpost is so shiny. Oh, my God. Are you still obsessed with Kent? Just ask him out already. The worst that can happen is he says no. Are you kidding? Of course he'll say no. There's no way he'd ever go out with me.

skin-diving international playboy. (INHALES DEEPLY) (GROWLING PLAYFULLY) "I'm swimming at night 'cause I'm a slut "and now I'm paying the price for it." (PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie.

(CHOKING) You have failed me for the last time, Admiral.

My days in college were so exciting.

Well, I guess I did get to go on the space shuttle every day. Really? No way. I always wanted to be an astronaut like Lance Armstrong. It's Neil Armstrong. He lied about his name, too?

All right, Chris, this is it. This is what we've been working for. If you get nervous, just picture the audience naked and slide those hot dogs down your throat. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Hot Dog Eating Championship Competition! Please welcome our undefeated champion eater, Charles Yamamoto! (CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah, you're gonna be here a while. Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag. And I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?

Lois, I'm going to my physical now. Okay, honey. I'll see you later.

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone. Looks like this is a suicide mission.

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING)

Peter, why don't you deal? Ok, guys. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. Are aces high or low? They go both ways. Ha! He said, "They go both ways." Like a bisexual. Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Hey, He takes after his Uncle Peter. Peter, he's Carol's baby. Give him to her. Oh--oh, Ah, Yeah. Honey, you were fantastic. And you were so cute when you were holding it.

Do you know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing. Hmm, Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh. - Yes. - Hmm.

Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70.

Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that. And their vessel was swept to the bottom of the briny deep. Swallowed whole by the treacherous, unforgiving sea.

I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

Peter, you've raised a fine family. yeah, Well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up. In fact, I was hoping you could change his mind.

Oh, Man!

Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian. Morning, Opie. Hey, what's going on? You going somewhere? (BABBLING) You got fired? Why? (BABBLING) Oh, well, it's no wonder they finally caught you doing that in here.

Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour He purified me He purified you Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again.

Now Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for "x." Math. ha! Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, Stewie, how exciting. Your first visit to a real fire station. Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg?

It's the end of the world as we know it

Meg, I think everyone in this household has grown weary of your tall tales. No, really, I have a boyfriend. His name is Anthony. Well, Meg, if you're telling us the truth, I just hope to God he's an improvement over the last one. Thanks, Mrs. Griffin, that was delicious. You're welcome, Justin. It was a pleasure to meet you. Come on, I'll take you home.

Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch. Look, I have to go. Part of being creative is figuring out what you're good at. I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. You're right, Lois. Man was meant to create. That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks. It works! Look how tiny they are! Ooh!

A backward place where they didn't believe in science and hated others just for being different. Time has a way of changing a place and its people. Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long,

I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.

(BARKING) Stop! Stop it!

Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night? That's the last of 'em! Good riddance!

It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again.

My dad doesn't care about me anymore. Oh, well, Well, hey, at least you have a dad. When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom. Aw, Looks like somebody's hungry. All right!

Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance, but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair. Thank you. (ALL SCREAMING)

I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys. But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school. (SIGHS) Yeah, you're right. God, they all suck so much. I need a new challenge. What if... Wait. Now, bear with me on this. What if I date a loser and make him over into a popular guy? Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there!

The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing!

What am I supposed to do? Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself. Do I... Do I stick the money directly inside of her? No, you do not. Why, have you done that before? (LAUGHING) Doesn't go over. When do I hit her? For crying out loud, just drink this.

Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe?

You! How came you by this metal construct? I demand to know who made you! Stewie, it's not polite to point. I'm so sorry. That's ok, Lois.

it is the white devil that has propagated exacerbated, instigated, instigated...

I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.

I imagine you're gonna be much more of a stern father now that you have a mustache. Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been, and I might answer most of your questions with a story, but mostly, my mustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open, and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones.

I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains. So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on-- CHRIS: Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing?

This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay. This sucks! I want to see the Grand Canyon!

All right, then.

Nope. Cheeto.

You'll probably just slice a couple of bananas in here and chow down, huh, porky? So what happened with that kid on the playground? He won this round, Brian. But I'm going back tomorrow. And when I've carried out my plan, he won't know what hit him, like that baseball team that Peter coached. Well, kids, just when I thought we'd never find an assistant coach,

Now, listen, Griffin. Thanks to your dog's stupid marijuana crusade, people are using hemp for everything: fabric, fuel and paper.

The Cove? Isn't that that horrible documentary where they kill all the fish? Dolphins, actually. Well, yeah, but this has Johnny Depp as some kind of very funny tea-drinking homo. Come on, Peter. Billy's our guest. (SIGHS) All right, we'll watch The Cove. (MEN SHOUTING) Oh, my God! I don't want to see this!

(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked.

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop.

Wow. If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in,

I mean, look at my...

but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you! Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films!

Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly?

Yeah! We did it! Oh, what's this? What's this? It says right here we won! We won, you dicks! You suck! Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down? We're having my son's birthday party over here. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, honey. What's his name? Mikey. Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! Yeah!

(CHEERING) And you know what else?

Boy, I hear you, too. It's a lot of work just to keep my single-guy fridge sufficiently depressing. Let's see. Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait. Root beer from two Julys ago. Here we go, expired milk. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Jenny, look how young you look.

- Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired.

Then this is the camp I choose. Yay! I get to go to Space Camp! Thanks, Mom and Dad. You guys are the best parents ever! Would you excuse me a moment? These are mine now. Hey! Oh, honey, when we accepted those mugs, we knew this could happen.

How could this happen? I thought we lived in suce a nice small town. There's no such thing anymore, Lois. Things are A Lot different than when we were kids. Well, It just makes me sad. Hey, It makes me sad, too. But, uh, you know.

All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso.

'Cause one of us gets sick, we's all gonna get sick. And that may lead to some of us getting sicker than others.

Ahh! Ahh! Ha! Ugh!

All the greatest moments of my life, I spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word. Bart jumping that canyon. Mr. Plow. All the greatest moments of my life.

(SIREN WAILING)

(PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

Strap yourself in. No matter what happens, it's been a privilege to serve under you.

You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.

Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar? Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! Ah!

What the... What is this? Is this some kind of gag? - No. That's orbit. - Huh? You have your own gravitational pull. Oh, that's a bunch of crap. MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges.

Ok, Connie. You're up. Connie Demico does toad?

What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard? (GRUNTING) And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too!

No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here. Well, no offense to you, Meg, but you're a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here. What do you think's keeping Peter? I hope he gets here before they give you your award.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts?

Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house?

It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess--

Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well. All right, try it again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified. Aah! I don't want to play the piano! Indeed. Would you rather play the bassoon? aah!

Welcome home, asshole!

Well, I could test that by attacking you. If you repel my attack, maybe that means you're a secret assassin. Good idea. I don't... I don't think I'm a secret assassin. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey, knock, knock, anybody home? Oh, hey, buddy. Come on in, I could use some company.

I don't think I got a choice. Well, You can whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50.

And you didn't do anything to stop it. Accessory to murder! Why are you so quick to defend this guy?

And Then Chris starts in with all this "yo, yo, yo" stuff and I don't know what the hell he's talkin' about. So I started beating him with a hose, then my arm got tired, so I came here. Peter, perhaps Chris has adopted another culture's mannerisms because he doesn't know enough about his own.

Um, "I'll have what she's having,"

Oh, my God! What the hell?

What the hell are you guys doing? You're not leaving this room until you agree to stop this modeling thing... once and for all. This isn't gonna work, you guys.

Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them.

Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

That's impossible. She was still passed out on the couch when we left.

Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast!

We'd better alert the mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING) (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it.

You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me. No more oppression!

Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him? Ok. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile!

Nice to meet you, Marian.

Those sons of bitches made it about money. Yeah, Joe. So, what do you say? They didn't care about you. Why should you care about them? The thing is, you guys committed a crime. And I've still got the evidence to prove it. Too bad I lost it. AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.

We're in here, Lois. He's napping. Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in. (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Get in there! Hold still, Stewie! (BOTH GRUNTING)

I love you, Katie. I love you, too, Tom. Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now!

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger Lois Griffin. Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just bleed all over the city? Stay with us.

You know Daddy. He won't rest until he kills something on every continent. Ha-ha. But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas. It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents. Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, Would you be a sport and fetch it for me? Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

This is the greatest show I've seen in years. Not like the last time I was at a comedy club. I hear this guy is hilarious. He played Kramer, you know. Oh, this is gonna be fun. (CAR HORN BLARING) (TIRES SQUEALING)

This is my wife, Janice, my daughters, Lisa and Jane, and this is Rosalyn, a friend of our daughter Jane's. Her family life is rough, so we are kind of like a second home. Robert! Well, it's true. Well, thank you for taking the time to notarize this important document. I'm sure you are quite busy. Yes. We only have a moment,

And she's all, like, "Meg, don't forget "your half-time routine at the game." Uh! Moms! Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game. Go, team! Uncool people are like animals. Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school? Hut!

Dad, I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Listen, I feel awful about the things I said last night. I was selfish.

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods.

We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, authorities are still searching for the culprits in a series of horrific acts of destruction all across... Scroll down, guys. ...the globe. That could've fit on there. There was a long space at the end of that line. My God, it's you, isn't it? It's you and Penelope who've been doing all these horrible things!

Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg? Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman.

Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead. Bingo, bitches! Bingo.

Peter, what are you doing?

Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree. Lois, I told you I'm on dipsalucious vacation. What part of that don't you understand? Come on, honey. It's the only thing I've asked you to do. Please? Ah, Brian, tape this for me. Ooh, Sorry. The V.C.R. hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

(SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! (YELPS) You hear me? Yes! Do you hear me?

I guess she didn't know what "jihad."

Wait. Hang on. Sunday... Sunday... Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo..." Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run!

Mambo! (PANTING) Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them! I'm trying, sir. You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack,

I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing!

I guess we could postpone our trip. Ha. We won't have to. I don't believe this!

Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever.

Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different. Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis. Well, but... See, there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic. I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just gonna have to say no. Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. Ah! Damn it!

You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing.

Peter, this is ridiculous. I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for 2 weeks. I have not, Lois. He's right. It's actually been more like, uh... Yeah. 13 days. Well, You at least have to do something other than sitting there eating.

We just won the big game We just won the big game We drilled 'em and banged 'em and plowed 'em a lot And though that sounds suggestive Let me stress that it's not And here comes the Rocky and Bullwinkle float. (CAR ALARM BLARING) Always a popular sight here at the... Somebody want to handle that?

Someone who loves you. Whoa! You are smothering me, and I need my space.

No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God. Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do?

I... I don't have $40. All right, I understand. I'll be back tomorrow for the $80. And I'm taking your welcome mat.

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well.

No problem, Peter. Glad to help out. Wow, Gilbert Gottfried. That's right! Awesome.

You've been living a lie all these years. You represented yourself as a K.I.S.S. fan. And why? To make me look foolish! No. To make you happy.

Lois, I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Oh, Peter! So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too? Do you Have the moral authority to lead? Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign.

If you want Brian to say, "Arriba," and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils. Oh, uh, Hey, kids. I'm, uh, uh, Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas. But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian. Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.

Oh, Mort. Thank God. Brian and Stewie? You're in Heaven, too?

Dad, are we almost there?

But wait!

Hey, it's Peter Griffin. That's right, senior prom. Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while, yeah. So, listen. I just found out I'm retarded. And I'm just calling to let you know... you might want to get yourself tested.

(MEG SCREAMS) Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did! You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

Peter, I told you not to push her about this Quagmire thing.

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds. Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman. Peter, you are not putting those birds in the car!

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

I hope that you can forgive me. Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back. And once our injuries heal up, we can all go for a nice, long walk. All right! Yeah! Wait a minute... (ALL LAUGHING) (SINGING THEME SONG)

Look, what the hell are you so hostile for?

How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add... Peter! Ahh!

So I'll use Meg's laptop. (GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell? (GRUNTS) Look at him in that tank top. He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on match.com.

And that's why you like him so much. He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man."

Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois.

This isn't working at all. She doesn't even know we're here. She will, Brian. And she's gonna be upset that your date is so into you. Okay, ready? I've been reading up on things that sound sexy.

This can't be it. This can't be Santa's workshop. This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut. Oh, boy, get ready for the letters.

This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three.

He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass.

Hello, everyone! Thank you all so much for squeezing me in for an audition. So, shall we just jump in? Sure. When you're ready. All right, let me just get into character. I'm a bit distracted. I wasn't expecting we'd do this today,

Hop in.

I've finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead. And the readers are just gonna love it.

Well, they're nothing like Billy and me 'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun (MOOS) I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feeling I'm not the only one

What the hell was that? Uh, Something near a window. Preferably a booth. Ugh! Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen! Yeah, that's authentic ItalIAN. Oh, Don't do that. That's what they expect you to do.

Now, I have to get hemp illegalized again, and the only way to do that is to start a fear campaign designed to turn people against pot. Will you help me? Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I could never go against Brian like that.

You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.

(CHOKING) God, Stewie, are you out of your mind? Trust me, I'm only doing what's best for you. Well, I do feel pretty thin and wonderful. And I still got to eat the donut. - Why isn't everybody doing this? - They are. (DOORBELL RINGS) I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS)

There's someone for everyone. Even if you're a narcissistic pedophile. Hey, Ma, we got any pictures of me when I was a kid? Maybe something in a tub?

MALE VOICE: A dog says.... A cow says.... Of course, of course. Well, here they are, Brian. My test results. Read them and weep. Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded.

You know, no one can win a gold medal by himself. it takes friends. And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today. My friend Peter. Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary! Let's give him a hand, folks. But that's nothing compared to what this next man did.

Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here. No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started! No... My God, you've put on weight. You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses. Look, there's my face.

(LAUGHING) That's something. All right, so what do you say? You want to go see the Emperor? I don't know. Can we have tacos?

(MAN READING)

Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken all my business. Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING)

Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way! Aw, Crap! Hold it right there! Or what? Don't shoot! Now shoot!

Your father signed a contract, And now we're gonna be on T.V. for the next 6 months.

I'm not into that. Oh. Well, what are you into?

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird. Take care, you two.

- Cold in here? - Nope, just really small.

I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

Ha! Kind of tickles. Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! in other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought. in a recent 12-day study...

Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem?

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool.

Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. Come on. You're worrying about nothing.

Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further. That's more like it. Tell me, what are the tank's safety features? What a good-looking question. Three inches of reinforced steel protects your daughter from short-range missile attacks. I see, and does the sedan protect against missiles? It does not. You hear that, Meg?

Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING)

Goodbye Say goodbye to manhood Goodbye Say goodbye to babies Say goodbye to kids like Meg Vacuum out your sac

(GOAT BLEATING) You're all doing such a great job, I wanted to play you a song I wrote about what America means to me. When you say USA

Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here?

There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on. DREYFUSS: Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider. ROY SCHEIDER: How are you, Richard? DREYFUSS: Fine, Roy. How are you? SCHEIDER: Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up. Maybe reminisce about Jaws. DREYFUSS: Great.

You can't just pretend to be something you're not. Yes, just ask Edward Scissorhands.

Aw, No you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds? I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I miss my mom. YEah. Me, too. I also miss my nads. Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too? Sure. The more the merrier. Meg, you have the coolest family. She sure does. Hey, Here's to family!

And who had the prime rib? I hardly think that's any of your business. Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day.

Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy!

You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place. Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those?

Well, I can't answer that, but I'm gonna do my best to make her even happier than those kids on Three Wishes with Amy Grant. What's your wish, Billy? Can you cure my cancer? No, but how about if Spider-Man gives you a $50 gift card to Sears? Here. Get well.

One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future. Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful...

Dad, they're staring at me! They're just jealous. Ugh. You're next. Hey, w-Wait a minute. Wait. We were next! Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey! You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get the video camera out and make our own show. I don't wanna! Yes, you do!

All I wanna do is have some fun (TIRES SCREECHING) (BRAKES SCREECH)

I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen. I was born in a little town called quahog. We love you, Lois! Whoo! Let me finish the story, fellas.

(CRYING) God!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Great Moments in Women's Stand-Up Comedy.

PETER: Get that!

(ALL GASPING) What? Carter, is this true?

I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song.

Not all Asians are bad drivers. No, no, not all terrorists are Arab. But, you know, they are, so...

(SOBBING) (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Lois! Mom! Geez, what the hell's her problem?

Well, then how come you said you hated spending time with us? Look, I may not have said exactly what I meant. But I can still be your dad, even if we don't have any of the same interests. So what do you say? Are we a family again? I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

You'd be amazed how little you have to eat when your legs don't work. There's only one way to settle this. Russian RouletTe. 3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No--no--No. Wait a minute, this is crazy. You first. Whoa, whoa, whoa, There's gotta be a way for you all to enjoy the trophy.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

I think, uh... I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go.

(SINGING)

Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd!

Right, Giant Robot?

Oh, thank... Wait. What? Paul, my boyfriend.

You, too, Mrs. Griffin. Thanks for having me over for dinner. Come on, Peter. I think Anthony wants some time alone with Meg. Who doesn't want some time alone with Meg these days? Right, Meg? Has anybody ever told you you're pretty enough to be a movie star, Mrs. Griffin? Oh, my goodness. Well, I don't know about that.

I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life. Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.

That still sounds like a sex question. It is not. Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?

Guns? Guns only lead to trouble. Right, and When that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off!

Brian! BRIAN! Uh, Hey. You're nominated for 3 of the 7 films you directed yesterday.

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I

You know, this used to be all orange trees. (WIND HOWLING)

That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING) Well, this was quite an adventure. Yeah, it's good to be back in familiar territory.

Hi. Yeah, we're the Griffins. Griffin, Griffin. I'm sorry. I can't find your paperwork. Well, Look harder! I want my baby back! Lois, Lois, Please, let me handle this. The name's Griffin. We're the ones who fed dog food to our crack-addicted baby.

Hey! You get just a few more of those.

Look at me. I'm writing profanity on the wall! Water-soluble. No, Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! Oh! If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary. What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy.

What is your problem? You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much! Peter, What are you talking about? Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!

Hey, uh, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad? Because you don't have a bottom, son. Ah!

You guys got a garage or something? We got like 300 boxes of these things. (LAUGHING) Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

Can I just say before... Can we just, like, take two... I love... You're so brave. I just love how brave you're being right now. This is like the closest I've ever felt to you.

I don't even know what I did with the copy that you gave... Oh, fuck! There it is. Hey, you know what else would be great?

Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running. Okay, James, you ready? Now catch it in your mouth like Brian.

Come on, Mom. Let's go. Bye. Thanks for coming. I'm gonna miss that boy. You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert.

Sure. I need to be, like, fine to be alone. And, like, not even want to date someone. And then I know I'll be fine to get into a relationship. That's good. That's it? That was, like, five seconds. It's okay. They fill the rest with shots of street signs and fronts of restaurants and old footage from The A-Team. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Brian! We were just on our way to the airport.

because it's a family place with lots to do Where in the '50s, a man could mingle with scores of all the seediest whores well, Now his children can, too You heard it from the canine's mouth The country's changed, that is, except the South and You'll agree

Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois. You're not telling anybody, friend.

I told you not to shoot. Well, you're not in charge. I am. Well, I'm steering. No, I'm steering. No, I am. I have a steering wheel. So do I. There's two. Well, that's stupid. I know. I know, too. That's why I said it. Oh! We lost them. This is going in my report. No, it's going in my report.

Russian RouletTe. 3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No--no--No. Wait a minute, this is crazy. You first. Whoa, whoa, whoa, There's gotta be a way for you all to enjoy the trophy.

The one I love forever is untrue And if I could, you know that I would fly away with you Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly

That things can only get better And while I'm away

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live? Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead. No!

Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook. LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist.

We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama!

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! (SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

Man, you know, the hurricane's outside, but I'll... I'll tell you what, the real storm's in here. Okay. The emotional storm. Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's... Come here, come here. Stewie'll take care of you, you big drug-aroni. Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store.

Oh, My God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man! Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't. You didn't? No. If I had, do you think I would have slept with your white great-great- great-great granny? No, I guess not. That's right, and I wouldn't have slept with her fine sister neither. You see, Peter, the most important thing is how a man acts.

Okay, babe.

Okay, what? So you go stabbing in there with a laser and you try to zap it out, like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? No, Mr. Griffin. Well, so what, you, like, hold her legs open and, like, send a Pit Bull in there? You know, and one of them little rat-hunting dogs? And then he comes back out with it in his mouth and he goes... (SNARLING) And, you know, you can't get it away from him, 'cause, you know, it's his thing.

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

I would like that. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) PETER: Hey, Quagmire? You in there? (GASPS) Holy crap! Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn.

Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second? Yeah. What's up, Eric? Everything okay? Yeah. Just come into my office.

Like--Like there was a secret hole in me. Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

No! Jungle gym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? (GROANING) (CRYING) Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there.

The McBurgertown franchise suffered a publicity setback today from which it may not recover, thanks to testimony regarding its practices by a very brave cow.

(GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg. Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance.

You dirty girl. Peter, I haven't left yet. You sick whore.

Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler. Edgar, could you bring me some tea?

Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office,

Well, I couldn't be more angry with you. ohhh! YOu... You really let this family down. We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look.

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action!

Shit! What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog. Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box.

To put it simply, Mom and Dad, there's a reason that they call it dope. Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So my advice to the two of you would be...

Oh...me. Brian, would you mind? (GROANS) Yeah, sure. Oh, sorry. I haven't had sex in two weeks. I'm just a little on edge lately. (SCOFFS) A little? There wasn't this much tension when the slaves were freed. Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go. But we're cool, right? (SIGHS) Peter, we have to talk.

As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Excellent.

but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them. You know, Brian, It occurs to me that this is like a Greek tragedy, where a man must choose between himself and his children. Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese." Ha-ha. We're ready for you, down the hall. Are you sure you want to go through with this, Brian? Because, you know, you could have puppies with another dog.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.

So you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions? I just think Meg is really cool, and I want to get to know her better. You know, Michael, my daughter's womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed. Neither is her lower back or her hair.

This is nice, Joe. A night out, a good dinner. Thank you so much.

I'll go have a talk with him. Hey, buddy, where are all your pals? Playing baseball. Well, why aren't you playing with them? 'Cause I don't have a glove.

Never mind.

I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked. Here's your Mikes. What's next? Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie. (CLEARS THROAT) People of France,

She just had that one experience in college with that girl Naomi. Naomi's the one who's coming. (CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay! Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming. (LAUGHING) "We don't... We don't even know why she's coming."

Well, no matter what happens to us, I just hope Meg's okay.

I don't know what to do, you know? Society's given up on these kids. I feel like I may be the only one who can help them. I think your problem is you're not communicating in a way... that speaks to their experience. You know what you should do? Get in there tomorrow and do the robot. Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try...

What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh. Including Cesar Millan.

To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons.

I ain't neither! And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight! See you there, pal! You can't stay in that house! Old Man Selberg's ghost still haunts it. Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens from years... ...of substandard housekeeping. It does not augur well for you. Zip it, egghead.

Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and... And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that.

This is our house? Oh, Come on, Meg! I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap. Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch.

- Well, how'd you do? - I failed. - What? You failed? - Yup. Well, then what the hell are you smiling for? Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself. And I didn't cheat.

(MEG SCREAMS) Hey, Brian, Meg's Benedict.

- You want some Tang, Mr. Spaceman? - Do I? Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains. So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it."

It's so comfortable. Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. (GIGGLING) He's so short. Oh, my God. He is short.

You can overcome shyness. Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's. I don't know, Lois.

Ah, yes. Here we go. Chris Griffin. Hmm. Your dying wish is denied. Thank you. Wait a minute. My son only has a short time to live. All he wants is his favorite show back on T.V. How can you say no? Mr. Griffin, everyone thinks their dying child is special.

woo-hoo! Baby! 12 in a row!

Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.

I sure did. Well, then... Hey, what do you say we go home, huh?

You go to school? No. I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why. Is this the longest light ever, or what? Ah, there we go!

Hey, you! Stay!

I like you and have no reason not to.

Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory. How am I going to get it out? I'd have to poop a diaper into a diaper. That's how you end up in another dimension. Gee, that's rough.

Dad!

So, how long is Jerome gonna be staying with us, Dad?

well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development. Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick!

On a Friday evening? I don't think we're going to have any luck till Monday. Besides, probably not a lot of mechanics around here. (HORSE NEIGHING) So, we're stuck here? Hey, Lois, you see that barn out there? You know who it was built by? By Mennonites. Well, I guess we better see if there's a hotel or something.

Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smucker's. Peter, I don't know what you think you're doing,

All right, I'm going inside.

Show them that we know comedy better than they do. Hey, I got an idea. What's the most consistently funny form of comedy in existence? Improv? Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv! We'll start our own improv group and put on a show. All right!

Oh, we haven't had a paying customer in months. Nobody rides the train anymore. Oh, well, for God's sake! Uh, are... Are you robbers? Yeah. Well, you could, you could take my wallet.

You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago. Who cares? I'll bet nobody took the boat.

I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic oath. All right, drop your pants. Oh, well, this is nothing, just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that? SULU: Hello.

You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops. I can't believe I punched a woman. A pregnant woman. I just hope she accepts my peace offering. I sent her a little something for the baby.

In imagination land. Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens.

Okay, Quagmire, I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop because that first bite is the one that really hurts. Well, okay. (GRUNTS) Ah! (GAGS) Ah! Ow! Ow! Yeah, that's right, "Ow." Now, you swallow that. Don't you dare spit that out.

Are we there yet? No, Chris, honey, we're not. Are we there yet? No, Chris. Are we there yet? Yes, Chris, yes. Okay? We're there. Liar!

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.

Mr. Penisberg, I quit. Penisberg? Yeah, yeah, get it all out of your system.

(HONKING) Holy crap! You marry Billy Joel, it's gonna happen one way or another.

I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes.

Sure, Lois. What's on your mind? Well, it's kind of a long story. You see... Eight fucking hours later... Oh, my God!

There's no time, Lois. I got to go warn Quagmire while I got the chance. Quick, to the Peter copter! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Ow! Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter!

Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

Thanks for voting. Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.

I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face.

(SHATTERING) Wait a minute. Joe, look!

You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.

Yeah, they get our generation.

Why don't you Shut up for about a week. Very well. And if I win? Well, i--I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week? You're on! Minutemen, present arms! Load weapons! boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Fire! Oh, I say!

I mean, did you see Sahara?

Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

Meg, please! It's true. You never want to do anything with me! But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like! And he's been helping me with all my homework! He helped me get an A in algebra! How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra? (CRYING) Because he asked!

Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them. Cindi was right. We need a lot more work. Uh, e-e-Excuse me.

Also in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking with less than 19 hours to go before our planet is consumed by an expanding black hole. As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it. Hey, Mort. Now that the end of the world is here, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh?

(GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals.

Chris, you kept this photo all these years? Yeah, it's gotten me through a lot of tough times. Like when Felicity cut her hair. What? Oh, thanks, Chris.

Mmm.

including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt. All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, but I will lead you to freedom. Now, Jews, ho! Here we are, the Red Sea.

Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool. Really? Oh, that's good. Oh, I knew it was... I knew it would look cool.

No. You know, Lois, if everybody was as closed-minded as you, the world wouldn't have some of its most inspired creations. Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter.

Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do!

I will take Drakkar Noir. (WARBLES)

Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus. Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there. In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest.

The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC.

That's right, he's not real. Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian. Who else isn't real, hmm? You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh?

Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities. Don't worry, Brian. I know how to handle this. sir, Are you aware you were going 50 in... I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir. Aw, Crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island. Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes!

$100 million!

Isn't that the American dream? Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper. Mayor West only banned gay marriage so he could distract from the Dig 'Em scandal. He won't get away with it. Oh, Jasper, where'd you get these brownies? They're from a bakery in the West Quahog gay district. I thought they'd help my depression. Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God, they pack so much fudge into these.

Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package.

Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday. Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? I don't know. I don't have a ride. Hey, John, you got a 2-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, m-maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time,

Yeah, Cleveland, this is Quagmire. Uh, Listen, I feel awful. Why don't you come on over and we can try to get things back to the way they used to be? Remember how it was? Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us. That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges.

Could--Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? Thank you. Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand.

(ALL SHOUTING) (SCREAMS) Mayor West? Quiet, young man. Can't you see we're having a poker game?

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater. I'm just like Barbara Bush!

- It's not your fault. - Screw you! Cut it out, man! It's not your fault. (SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood.

This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights.

turning it into a block of ice for some reason. But then it thawed and cavemen came. Why Peter look sad? Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid. No one buy wheel. Peter, you invent wheel?

ALL: Oh. (GRUNTS) (CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring. Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW

Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for the both of us. What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!

Good evening, everyone. (GASPS) James Woods! (SNARLS) Thank you for joining me at my humble manor. I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla. Nice to meet you all.

I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free! Free? I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me...

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

QUAGMIRE: Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris? PETER: He used his stinky French wiener to defile her. QUAGMIRE: Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris? PETER: He used his stinky French wiener to defile her. PETER: Hey, Quagmire, we're in Joe's head. Hey, let's mess with him. I'm going to leave a fart trapped in here. (PETER FARTS) (BOTH LAUGH) PETER: All right, let's get out of here.

Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS)

You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Stewie, look what Mommy made for dessert. Ooh, Jell-O. How exotic! Why, I feel like I'm on the deck of the qE ii.

I hope you know what you're doing. I've just found that Leia's constant questioning of me has not been productive to the atmosphere of the ship. And I think that she just needs to get some respect for herself.

You did it, Dan. My God, you did it! Yes. Oh, my God. You did it. You did it. Mission accomplished, gentlemen. Warhead has been destroyed. We've saved millions of lives. Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall where it can cause too much damage.

All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

Oh, You're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm. You really think that, don't you?

Jeez, Frickin' perverts. Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead!

If you ever do that to me again, I swear to God... I know! I know! Nobody told me.

Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!

(GRUNTING)

Hi there. Hi, uniform mentality. I'm an individual.

Look. It's Tom Tucker from the news,

Right into the bumper. hi, mOM. oh, Look at you all. I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking. Thank you, Nana. Hello, everyone.

But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance.

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is! Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here.

(CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch.

Monkey, grab my hand! (SCREAMING)

Sorry, pumpkin. I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this!

Do you observe any particular Japanese customs? QUAGMIRE: Oh, yeah, I'm very in touch with my Asian roots. You notice I take my shoes off whenever I enter my house. PETER: Oh, yeah. I do five hours of math homework every night even though I'm no longer in school. (JOE EXCLAIMS) Sometimes I drink out of a wooden box. Ah, very Asian. I was a very cute baby and now I'm a joyless adult.

Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home! Oh, my God. That is hilarious.

Your father's utterly lost interest.

You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

I'm okay with the film. Just use it. No. No. I no can clean. Shit. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed.

Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. Where are you? Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm? I'll just pop it back in.

All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did. I found my baby book! Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. And, The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake.

I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny. That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out!

Oh, my God, that sounds so amazing! Excuse me, I was wondering if you would go to the dance with me on Friday.

I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS)

Looks like I'm all alone. Well, hey, that's all right. I watch a lot of movies. I can just use my imagination. - Hi, Carl. - Hey, Bear. So, in the bear world are, like, pandas your version of interracial children? Yeah. Pandas aren't something I agree with. They're cute, though, right? Just when they're babies.

Touch down! Good grief.

Hello? What the hell? (GROWLING) PETER: Hey, Brian's home! What the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing. Just working on a family project. Getting in some together time. I have a crossbow! Chris has a crossbow.

Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you.

Hey, what's that sound? You're urinating! So it's been you all along! Oh, This is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex. Eww! It's everywhere!

I'll have what he's having.

Hey, nice ass. Sorry. No, No. That's Edward James Olmos' ass. I guess I don't have a photo of her. But trust me, she's cute. Well, let's go get her. I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos' ass back. Oh, yeah, right.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.

Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up

I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez. Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg.

And it looks like it has to be me. What was all the commotion? Oh, nothing, it was just... (GIGGLING) (SHOUTING)

To say, "I will eat this salad with pride. "I don't care if I look like a gay person." So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say thank you.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room!

QUAGMIRE: Oh!

Whoo!

I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom! You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow,

8 is enough.

Hey, Brooke, it's me again, Brian. Hi. Wasn't sure if you got my last message... or any of the other ones. Anyway, I'll just leave a quick message... 'cause you might be trying to call me right now. And I don't want to tie up the line. So, I guess....

"Was"? Y-You mean-- Last year. She went real peaceful. Oh. Well, she--She probably wouldn't have wanted to see me anyway. That's not true! Biscuit loved all her puppies! Biscuit! Brian, your mama gave you up because she thought you'd have a better life if she let you go. Was she right, son?

(GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

(MEN SHOUTING) Oh, my God! I don't want to see this! I know you can't tell this, but the one who's about to get her throat cut, she's sorta hot.

All right, Peter, the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower. Now I'm going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool. Now, no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into, or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose,

Come to the island where I live And you got a pretty good chance To make it home

It's great. It's a donkey's vagina. (STAMMERS) How is that gonna... (BRAYING) (SCREAMING) Peter, stop him! No, this is good. This means I did a good job.

I couldn't think of anyone other than... Uh... There's a woodpecker on your head. Yeah, He comes and goes. And Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. It's ok. Take your time. Then what happened? He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything.

Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama! All right, let's get this place cleaned up.

Now, kids, you don't have to call her Mom right away, but I do want you guys to get along. Just give her a chance. I think you'll like her. Maybe she'll let us do things that Lois won't let us do. Yeah. Hey, Mom, can I pull my pants down? If she doesn't answer, does that mean yes? That's what I've been going with.

How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin? Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm a very open-minded person, and I've never had any problem with gays before, but something about two gay people getting married, I just don't think it's right.

Hello-- Hello, Death? Guess where I'm calling from? A planE! That's great. LisTen, those kids on board? Yeah. Uh, uh... A-About that, I-- I don't think I can go through with iT. Peter, listen, without death, the world would be a terrible place. Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive.

You, leather man. You sell me donkey.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

So has the morgue. (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) The morgue, Paul, 'cause she's old! That's right, yeah, the morgue!

Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?

and all I can think about is having a piece of Navy cake. "Hello. Who's that on the phone?" "Temptation!" How does he always get my number? I don't know. Anyway, I got big news, and I'll tell you over dinner. Greek. On me. But enough about last weekend. (CHUCKLES) I'm terrible! (EXCLAIMS) This idiot will fit in with our family as badly as Peter fit in with The Proclaimers.

My hair is growing Growing all the time Look how sensitive I am 'Cause my voice is so fine

I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there?

Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker? Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here. Would admission of that allow that person to keep it? Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album. Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks! It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig.

All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper. (GUNSHOT) (ALL SCREAMING) What the hell?

O.J. Simpson on Spooner Street.

somehow I feel better about my own. Hey, Brian, where are all the people? They'll be here, Frank. We just got to give them time. And wouldn't you know it, there's our first customer. I'll entertain him while we wait for more to arrive.

so why don't you just play with this blow dryer and these rattles? Guess that's it. You probably want me to get out of your hair. So here's the Drano in case there's a clog. Uh, soap's right there next to the radio, and towels are on the roof. So, goodnight.

See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say, because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life. Fonzie be with you. I ought to take off my belt and slap the crap out of him. Look, Francis. I don't like you and you don't like me. But I suggest we set aside our differences and work together. I have an idea of how to snap Peter out of this. Work together? You and me?

Good. Worst? Kathy Bates in About Schmidt. Correct. I also would've accepted the rotting old woman in The Shining, but Kathy Bates is probably worse. Best scene in Teen Wolf? When Michael J. Fox is in the bathroom, turning into a werewolf for the first time and his dad's knocking on the door and he is freaking out and he opens the door and his dad's a werewolf, too. Gold star.

Oh, yeah!

You'll earn minimum wage, no overtime, no health benefits,

Now, we're going to do what we should have done in the first place. Get on. Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived.

(CHEERING) I want to get in on that. Mine's better. Mine's better. Mine's better!

One-way to Providence, please. Yeah, how much to get to Providence? Brian? Stewie, what the hell? But how can you be... (GASPING) Oh, my God. Could it be? What the hell is going on? My teleportation machine worked. Of course it did, that's how we got here.

Lois! Lois! LOIS! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Atta girl! Shake your money-maker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Oh, my God! It's a chick!

"Super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box "that will be delivered into the house." Hai!

Please, you are done here.

Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side. Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!

And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland,

One minute to curtain, Jewel. Jewel! Jewel! Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Well, hello there, young man. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice.

Mom, what do you do when you like a boy but he doesn't even notice you? Meg loves Kevin.

So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening.

Oh, by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV,

So, If you'll just sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank check and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it. Look, slick, We're not gonna buy your lousy time-share, all right? Now, where's my boat? Hold on. You have a choice. You can have the boat or the mystery box. What, Are you crazy? We'll take the boat. No--no, Not so fast, Lois.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) (GASPS) Intruders! Stewie, you in there?

A drop more of the shine, my dear? Yes, please. You know, uh, the kids are gonna be at that town social for a while. I think I know where you're going. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Hello? Hello, Mrs. Griffin? Yeah. Shh. Shut up. You guys, shut up.

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING) So, it's really over, huh?

No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot!

What's Family Guy?

What? Why me? I don't want to have to do that. And Bonnie said you are very pretty. But I... How did that come up? Oh! You know, we were talking about pretty people.

The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight. NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn. Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century ecumenical body...

(CRYING) I just want you to know, Meg, if there's anything you ever want,

Bone dry.

STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

Come on! Come on, Stewie. You're acting crazy out there, man. (SIGHING)

Peter, you're back! Let's go home! We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch. We'll find another place. Your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in Hell, may she rest in peace.

Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it!

we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin for our newest waste pipe. (ALL CHEERING) Let the dumping resume!

Fly Fly (LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title.

Done. As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us. I got 20 on the fat one. Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? (BOTH LAUGHING)

it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities.

So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?

I have new gloss. " love gloss. Gloss rhymes with hair.

Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut. She's really sweet and struggling to raise a family. It's gonna be great! Wow! You did it, Connie. Chris Griffin is popular! So are you gonna dump him now? No, Gina. I'm not. You're not? No. There's something about him.

It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan "B."

(SOBBING)

I--I had no idea. in 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist. That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone!

All right! Oh, man! There's a tollbooth. hey, Anybody got a quarter? What's a quarter? Well, We gotta give him something. Woo-hoo!

And Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room. And here we have the lounge. Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot! What can I get you, sir? We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles. Don't make me beg.

Peter, Muriel and I both feel that you need to follow your therapist's advice and start dating. Ah, Jeez, Mort! I--I don't know if I'm ready. Ah, Come on, stud. We've got it all set up for you to go out with our niece.

Are you ready to go to the nice farm? No! No! You'll never take me alive!

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write?

Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people. You guys, we're still on in Boston.

No, No, not silicone. Silicon. And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty. What a delightful moniker.

Did I get it? Was she sorting out her pills for the week in that little plastic thing with the seven boxes? Actually, she just got back from the gym and she's jumping in the shower. She got a chair in that shower? Shut up! Have archaeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina? You know what? That one was too wordy.

except the drum's a chick.

All right, I'll be the one to say it. How do we know you're really Jesus?

Well, the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird. Peter, that's not necessary. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere. I wouldn't count on it, Lois.

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS)

No! No! You've had yours! Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.

Well, Before the disaster, I was a physician. That's terrific. We need a doctor. We sure do. Let's hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. Ah! "Village idiot." That's a good one.

Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

Oh, screw you! All right, Brian, this one's for you. "What naturally occurring element has the highest melting point ofall metals?"

(GROANS) That one didn't work.

Kill him. Kill Brian for me. (EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Family Guy is brought to you by AXE Body Spray. AXE Body Spray. Spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower. Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh? AXE Body Spray.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, I never expected this! Oh, I'm so, so honored! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl! It's Enrico Palazzo! No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals! Get him!

Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night. (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (BOINGING SOUND)

Wait a second. We don't know that. Well, she was by herself this whole time! Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy! Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign.

You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS)

You know what, at least Cynthia Gorack's husband cares about her family. I can't even talk to you when you're like this. Okay. It's over now because you say it is. Way to go, Karen. You solve all our problems by just walking away! And it's so obvious I don't care about the family. I just killed a 700-pound tiger with a stick and a rock!

That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A-- (AnnOunceR) Chris Tucker and Jim ca-cazeve-cave... Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This.

That's probably it. (SENSOR MAKES BING-BONG SOUND) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent!

Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films?

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

Hey, Look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it!

I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a... Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence.

Uh, Lois? LOIS: Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car. - (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING)

Have fun at work!

God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders?

your car is being towed. What? I won! Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave. Nice going, Dad. Oh, Boy! That was lucky about the car, huh? Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family!

Oh, oh! And how embarrassed was I when the word "crate" came up? I thought I was past this. I traveled the world, for God's sake. Do you know how much I spent? Well, obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it. Tell me, Brian, the last accident you remember, did anything unusual happen that might've triggered it?

I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life, but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves. Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Too late! There they are! Lois, please!

Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

somewhere in Quahog there's a kid not being picked up from baseball practice. And it's all thanks to us. DISPATCHER: Attention, patrol cars, we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center. Is anyone in the area? Wait a minute. That's where Peter's AA meeting is. This is Officer Swanson. I'm on it.

so I could cast you all. Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star! Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once,

All right, Lois, it's all up to you. We only need six to beat the Pinheads. And it would be four if someone could've hit that seven-10 split, right? Joe! Joey, Joey, Joey, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe!

I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.

It's the very reason I left Iraq. It sucks how early I have to work. (SIGHS) Well, Kevin, I still can't say that I agree with your choice. Not one bit. But I suppose sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is right. And if that's what you thought was right, I guess I can accept it.

If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk. Hey, Joe, if I've learned anything from my experience, it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny. And That's why I'm leaving. Leaving? You can't leave. I have to, Peter. For me. I love you all. Aw.

We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight! Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air.

Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm?

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!

And I mean regular-person great, not just wheelchair-person great. (SIGHS) Yeah, I guess. You seem a little distracted. Is everything okay? Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about... Someone should have come tonight, but they didn't. Ah, it's nothing. That's good. Hey, Officer Swanson? Yeah?

Peter, what the... That's not Scotty! That's Ben! Oh. Well, you know, we ain't known this family that long. I'm still learning everybody's names.

I just transferred here from Rich Expensive Car-Driving Sex-Having High School.

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) I have to say, Peter, I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to Islam. Are you kidding? It's awesome. I even started wearing leather sandals with way-too-long toenails. See how the big ones are getting yellow? Ah, yes, very Muslim.

Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub?

All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies,

Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?

(LAUGHS) Okay, now fire at everybody else. Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional! I still don't get it. I'm 5.

Love it. Hate it.

This one's my favorite ornament. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas. Yeah, it was probably very moving and fictional. Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need?

Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you! You've done nothing but hold me back! I quit! The only thing I've held you back from is failure! Come on, Simon. We don't need that little Bebe No-worth! I don't know, Stewie. Without Olivia, this act is like Fire Island after Labor Day-- Over! Fine! I don't need you!

For our top story tonight, we go live to terrific haircut Bob Costas as he talks with local man Peter Griffin, who is living his dream of playing for the New England Patriots. Bob? Thanks, Tom. I'm fond of your hair, as well. I'm standing here with Tom Brady and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin. Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete!

A group of kids attacked me at Costmart because you portrayed me on your show as a raging puppet bitch! Writers take from their lives. You married a creative type. You knew this was a risk. What's that supposed to mean? Well, the last few weeks, you've been nagging the hell out of me. Peter, you think I like nagging you? One of us needs to be an adult in this marriage, and it's clearly not you.

Walk right in Sit right down Stewie's gonna make you the fool Peter, here's your invite. Chris, Meg, Stewie and me.

who I'm looking forward to meeting,

Well, at least I didn't get robbed. (DOOR OPENS) And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?

Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot!

I'd like to go to the mall, Grandpa.

It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) No one should have to suffer the way I suffered!

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while?

Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar! It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no! - Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey!

We haven't even talked about how you'll wear your ears. I was thinking up. I need a cocktail. Don't push too hard, Peter. You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show. Lois, honey, I love you but you're sucking all the energy out of the room.

aah!

You did all this in a day? The matrix formed in a day. The life-forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate. Can I cook or can't I?

Jumping out of an airplane. I just don't get it. What's the fascination? Well, I think, Stewie, it's about challenging your own limits, facing your fears and saying, "No, not today. "Today I hold dominion over you." "Facing your fears"? Your tail curly-cues into your buttock-hole when someone knocks on the front door.

Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar...

pee come out. You know why? Because I'm smart. l'm smart, you 're stupid. Call now. Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian... Who am I kidding? All those buttons, I'll look like Steve Harvey. Brian!

No, no, we've got to carry him! We can't leave him here, there's a wolf! Um. There's not really a wolf. What? Tell my kids I love 'em. Charlie! Charlie! (WAILING) This was so funny in my head when I planned it.

Oh! God. I miss Peter so much. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here. I miss Dad, too, Mom. But we'll manage somehow. We're still a family, right? Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family.

Job well done. And We're not stuck together anymore. Thank God! You said it. Do you Want to hold hands on the walk home? Yeah, sure.

Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen? We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke. Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH) I remember that. I heard it from that guy. Cleveland? Hey, fellas.

Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire. I will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.

- What street's he live on? - First. (BOMB EXPLODING) Yeah, I'm not psychic.

Oh, This is so good, it just has to be fattening. I said, shut up!

I'm not gonna take it easy! These guys are going down! You're going down in front of all these people!

(CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it! - Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away.

You're so good with animals. I guess I could give it a try. All right, here goes. Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own...

I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Boy, it sure is great being thin and populaR. Let's go throw up. - Sure! - Good idea! Hey, I love throwing up.

(SCREAMS) This armor's useless! Why do we even wear it?

Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money. Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. Oh, God! Please help me!

and as much as I still have a great deal of love for you, our time is over. I love somebody else.

(HISSES) (GRUNTING) (HISSES) Hey, get out here and fight me!

I mean right there, in the moment? I get that way when I watch Handy Manny. So is that why we came here? Were you gonna end it? No, I was just putting money in my Christmas club. God, I have to get one of those. You know, last year I only had $30 saved when the holidays came around. I was so embarrassed.

Afternoon, Officer.

You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch!

Mahmoud, you're under arrest. Look, Joe, I drove a van. (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're okay. Oh, me too, Lois. That was some pretty rough stuff. Oh...

Holy crap! This is hot! Oh! Oh! Ahh!

I never get picked for anything. (GUNSHOTS) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (GUNSHOT) (GRUNTS)

That Guy! Diamonds, daisies

Come on, into the garbage chute. She's right! Come on, Chewbacca.

I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn. (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH YELLING) Stupid right wing dick.

Why in the world would I want to do that after what you just said? You're obviously not the person I thought you were!

All right, let's get this meeting underway. For our first order of business, we'll go to Bruce. Oh, hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We've got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gonna have a puppet show, we gonna have some jazz.

- For pie - For pie

(GASPS) - Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING)

Meg, you're the man of the family now. Be strong. Oh, Daddy. Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man.

Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH) I remember that. I heard it from that guy.

(SCREAMS) (STRAINING)

The language they're speaking is the language of subtlety, something you don't understand. I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too.

You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct. Really? I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter.

He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank. Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner, he'd still be alive and you'd still have your job. Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. We just have to scrimp a little, that's all.

"Love, Meg." Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops. Hey, getting some writing done there, buddy? Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay. Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing. Otherwise, what's the point, right? You should totally write that down.

We'll have more after this. Good evening. We're back. Peter, to answer your question, if you want to control content, you'd have to start your own television station. My own TV station? I haven't had my own business since I ran that mail order operation. Yeah, uh, I bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you,

In fact, I'm going to go buy my winning ticket right now. Peter, what's wrong? It's, uh, nothing. I'm just going to wait a minute.

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here!

Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch... but some of the other employees have found it offensive. Other employees? Who else works here besides me? ... you. That's who works here! Dinner's almost ready, kids.

That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

Stuff? Yes. Nazi stuff? Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff. Can I help? No, Peter. Just let me work, all right? All right, all right. Okay. All right. (SPUTTERING)

This is insane!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.

Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...

I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is!

ELYSE: (ON TV) Jennifer, what happened in school today? JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy? Okay. Why? Uh, it's a present. It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you!

Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg. See you in the morning. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. What's going on? Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday. You giving me credit? Yeah, I just told him. I'm the one who told him. So, where is the birthday girl? Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Stewie, there you are. Mommy is so sorry she hit you. I promise I will never lay a hand on you again.

(WIND BLOWING) Stewie! What? I have to tell you about the future! What? I have to tell you about the future! On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael.

Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie. And we have something very tasty for big fat you.

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump.

I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet. That's so good to hear. I want to like her. She's so funny. I want her to also be nice. Could you tell us some stories about her? Of course I can. Right after I show you how to make homemade root-beer popsicles.

I left him a message, like, four hours ago. Well, maybe he doesn't have his phone with him. No, no, it rang twice, and then the voicemail picked up. If it had gone straight to voicemail, that means the phone was off. If it rang, like, six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois. That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button and sent it straight to voicemail.

Listen, Brian, I want you to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops. Brooke, I'm so in fore with you

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?

I have a copper deficiency. Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before. But this is a great chance for us to start over. No, it isn't! You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me! You go to hell! - Hi, we're on the list. - Names?

Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing, I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal? Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water. No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do?

I could just bite him and eat him up.

Peter, I haven't left yet. You sick whore.

No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that! Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket.

(SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass! What? I didn't mean to... Stop it! It liked my joke. It won't shut up. (DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please.

There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network.

Lois Griffin.

And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level. But he still takes the money every week. How noble.

How could you leave me in there?

I changed my mind. I'm not doing it.

Wow. So, we really were meant to be friends.

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my life. I don't know who you were when you were drinking,

and community activist. Go, Dad. He can't hear you. Go, Dad! So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all!

All better, Mom. I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn.

Really, really glad I risked my life and everything. Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that? Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart. Goodbye, big fart. So, Dylan, shouldn't you be in school?

I love you, too, Tom.

Peter! Peter Frampton! Oh, No! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's housE? All right. If you want to live, come with me and bring your guitar,

I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!

The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

My God, All these kids are looking at pornography! What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth? Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad. Oh, There's quite a crowd outside.

Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

That's right, all dead.

This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. Remember?

I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full.

(SCREAMS) What's wrong with you, Holder-Downer 5000? That's just for women.

Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet. You'll never guess who it was. James Woods? WOODS: Hello, stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home. Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here.

I've been out of work too long. Well. I--I think you should find something you really enjoy doing. Take those guys out there, for example. Where?

Oh! Oh--oh-Oh, this is just great! Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband?

Peter, I don't see Quagmire. - Oh, that was great. - Thanks.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell? (AIR HISSING) Looks like it's the radiator. Wow! Brian identifies another problem without a solution. Let's see if I can walk home before he shuts up. Geez, Chris, what's your problem? I wanted a ferret!

Dear Rolfe, stop. Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

Well, If you get us a tree, I'll make sure Santa brings you a new V.C.R. Please? Oh, crap. How come I-- Commercial!

and the whole thing just dropped on me. Holy crap! Yeah. Holy crap. So, you here for the Death Star assault? Yeah, yeah, I can't wait. How about you? Well, no, I can't really... Oh, yeah, because of that... The chair. Chair, yeah. Yeah, so I'll just be here making sandwiches for when you guys get back.

Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you? Live with me? My goodness, I feel like I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. Hot dog, it's real.

All this singing is contagious. I'll sing, too.

Temple? Oh, Like Indiana Jones? Will you just pick it up already!

Peter, that's terrible. Hey, I don't know any better. I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals. Hey, a herpesaur. Hey, Peter, does your tail itch? PETER: After that, a meteor hit the earth, turning it into a block of ice for some reason. But then it thawed and cavemen came.

Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum. In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts.

Boy, you can take a punch, but at the same time, you cowered a little bit. Now, that's a woman. (CHUCKLES) I love you, pussycup. I love you, too. Now, let's kiss while the camera pans over to the drapes.

What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls. Uh, Hello? Uh, Lois?

Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy! Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah! If he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it.

Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you? What are you, nuts? Shut up, round-eye! Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Hey, guys. Everybody having fun playing with... What is that? A piece of wood with a nail in it. Neat.

skip that traveler's insurance. That's a ripoff.

Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room... it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit. Man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. Always makes me feel so stupid.

Master Luke, be careful! You're standing on... Threepio, please. Whatever you have to say cannot possibly be as important as this conversation.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous!

I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there. You been lifting weights? No. No, I don't... I don't think... No. I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back.

Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever. P.P.S. You know what? it might be a little chilly in London. I--I'm actually going to take the sweater. Oh, my God! One of these planes must be going to London.

A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day. ANd a--And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o! Hey, i'm, Hi, I'm Brian. What the hell is this? I said egg whites only!

You'll never know just how much I love you You'll never know just how much I care

Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees are Ron Jones,

Next item. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here "to join these two in holy matrimony. "If anyone objects to this union, "speak now or forever hold your peace." Quiet down! You had your chance! So, What do you have to do for your community service?

Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh? Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on! (ALL CHEERING) I just... I--I can't take it anymore. He's driving me crazy. Take it easy, honey. Knock, knock.

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been. Shh.

I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

And I'm gonna find 'em. Patience, lad.

(GROANING) Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there? Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job.

Get 'em!

Guys? That's my idea. Peter, come here. Finally. A little recognition. Joe has the most wonderful idea. Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys, you know, to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged! Oh, yeah. That's what kids want to play with.

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise. As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel.

and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg. (ALL GASP) I don't believe it! Peter, you talked! Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg.

You buy the condenser, and I'll make out with you. (EXCLAIMS) I'm gonna kiss you so hard, the picture's gonna change into something else. Look, this isn't Windex but it's just as good. It's the store brand.

I sure have! He's over there playing in the corner.

Well, If we're gonna hide out here in Asiantown, we have to find a place to live. Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan. Hi there! Always nice to meet a fan of my movies. Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke!

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS) ...in spite of the fact that your people control a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth, and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

That I had hard gas and pooed myself?

Call me.

(ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass. CONSUELA: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... (BELCHES) (ALIEN SNORING)

Look at that. Space bums. Let's be thankful for what we have, everyone. Be thankful for what we have.

if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way!

Mr. Doctor? If you get shot in a rap feud... can you perform surgery on yourself? Well, no, Chris. My degree's in optometry. All right, Dr. Ditty.

Peter, you do realize you deserve this for the way you treated Joe?

I know. I feel like I'm dreaming. Wait. Maybe I am dreaming. That means I can do whatever I want without consequences. What are you doing? I just adopted 30 puppies. (LAUGHING) (BABBLING)

How did she discover our plan? Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one. And we also have evidence that Darth Vader tried to buy yellowcake uranium from unwed teenage mothers. Those things all sound scary!

That sounds like Jock Jams. It is similar to Jock Jams. It is Jock Jams.

Look, i--I want to make this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this. Unless I saw a script first.

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts.

(SNEEZES) Quiet! Keep it down up there! What did I just say? I'm calling the police!

We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power. (SCOFFS) You have a different view, Brian? I don't know. Are we allowed to have a different view? Look, Brian, I know where you's at. I fought it at first, too.

If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate.

Hey, Chris, aren't you coming in? Uh, Can I swim with my shirt on? No. You can't swim with your shirt on.

like, 200 years ago. Times have changed! Ok, let's stay calm. Aw Lois, if you're scared,

Oh, That is bulL...

What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING)

I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow. Meow! Ohh! Mmm.

(LAUGHING) What? No, no, nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to humiliate her. Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated. Maybe you'll handcuff her? She'll hate that. Then I shall do that as well. And call her a bitch. Until I'm hoarse with rage.

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker.

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.

You can't see the spaceship, either. My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture... you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing.

And that's where we get the term.

so I convinced this minister to do the job, but the joke's on Nathan Lane, 'cause gay people can't get married! - They can in this state, Peter. - Oh. Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's. God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated! I'm intoxicated all right, Lois, by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard,

Well, I'm sure she'll love this. I want to see her eat it. So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper, so the guy orders a grasshopper. Then he's walking home and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?"

(ALL GASPING)

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh,

I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"? No. A "B"? No. C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P? "P"! Peter! My name's Peter! Is your name Peter? Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer. What Cleveland really needs right now is to learn how to express his feelings. Now, what he needs right now is a revenge lay.

Mr. Burke was right. I'm not ready to be a parent. Wait a minute. I'm not in high school anymore. Maybe this is all a dream. Aah! It was a dream! I need a glass of water. Wait a minute. I moved out of the desert years ago.

(GASPS) Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention.

I had many drinks last night and I was so hung out this morning. Me, too, friend. I was blowing chinks like crazy. When I finally returned to sleep, the waste man came right outside my window. Well, I'll tell you this, Tonick, a little hair from the dog is just what the doctor ascribed. I hear you, friend.

I can change. I can change.

Security! MAN: Everything's fine. No, it isn't. Get in here. (GRUNTS) Damn it! You bastards!

How come I never get any lines in these things?

My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.

Oh.

All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic. And it must be contained.

Oh, my God! It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination! Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Stewie! All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been sayin'.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Excuse me, sir. What is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? i need an adult! I need an adult!

I'll just poop and fall asleep.

He's a family guy

That was a close one! (SIGHS) Well, guys, we made it. Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING)

Chow time, boys. Yes, sir, Sergeant Major General Captain! Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. Call me Major General Captain. Now you eat up.

Peter, can we stop the stories for a minute? We need to figure out how we're gonna survive. I mean, is there even any food in here? Right, good thinking. Meg, go get us some sandwiches. Wait a minute, that's a great idea. If Meg can get through the vent, she can sneak out and go get help. Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody, spit on Meg.

Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This.

They were like stinky little balloons. And I gave him some special ointment and he hurt so bad that he had to apply it in the car with his sock. Thank you. Cool! I want to be a pharmacist! Aw, Yeah! Thank you, Mr. Goldman. and Our final speaker is Mr. Peter Griffin. Ya!

So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson? Doc, I can't take it anymore. I want to walk again. I'll do whatever it takes. Well, there is a highly experimental new procedure. It's essentially a leg transplant. If you'd be willing to sign a waiver, I think I may be able to help you. You know, when you talk, you sound a lot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt.

your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog, well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development. Holy crap! Aw, Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking!

Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this. That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk? Yeah, on the catwalk?

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."

Call the number on my bracelet.

(GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no!

No more comedy. (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make.

And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me. Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs? Aren't you a little over-dressed? Oh, well, I... Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's. There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and, well, i'm--I'm trying to nail the flautist.

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. (BEEPS) All right, you guys, that was Lois.

Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass. Is my eye big? Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress. All right, let's figure out what we know here.

Merry Christmas, dude. Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell.

Ugh, not this hillbilly from Rhode Island again. No, thank you. (ON VOICEMAIL) This is Peter Griffin, famous agent, but you can call me PG-13.

I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Please don't say "pooh."

Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete!

But what is the price of our souls? 6 million dollars a week. That sounds right. You know what? Take your crappy car back. Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet. All right! We did it! Let's get the hell out of here.

Well, that was my pleasure, too, Peter. Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman. " don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody. Sold.

(SPUTTERS) Arrest him! Arrest all three! These filths are making a mockery of our Reich.

Hi, honey. How was school? Just great. I can't even say my name without people asking me if I made it up. How could Dad do this to me? Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He--He was doing it for you. He knows how much you want to go to Brown. There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. Now, that's not true.

You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here. (SCREAMING) Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation. If you freeze up his money, he's not gonna have anything to live on.

Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over. Do you see the wire yet? Over. No. No what? Over. No. Over. Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.

Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on!

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host,

Um, You might've noticed my underwear has a--has a hole in it. it's uh, You know, i--i... I--I don't see any reason to--to throw it out. It's... The waist is still fine. You know, you can see--see It's still real stretchy. Mom, you have to do something! Dad's on T.V. parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy!

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

Hey, They're free to go anytime they want! Ahh! Fine. I'll let them go.

What are our options?

Rupert!

You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.

You know, I wish I were secure enough to throw on any old thing and call it an outfit.

I think... I think we're launching. Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand. No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger. If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Guys, I'm just trying to say... Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope.

Well, that... It doesn't matter.

You look really handsome today, Chris. Thanks, Amanda. STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it. I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser. Try some.

Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage." Spread the word.

Wait, hang on, hang on!

Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin. I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.

But soon! Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these. Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you! Hey, what's that sound?

Don't give him crap for this, Meg. He did exactly the right thing by coming to us. Don't you know what kind of fire you're playing with, dating a prisoner? Hold on, Lois. This is some serious parenting. I'm gonna go put on my Cosby sweater. Mom, you don't understand! Luke and I really connect very deeply! He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here.

Hmm... There's never anything good in here.

Can we pet him?

Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"? Or, or "Bruisey"? Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You're too heavy. PETER: Keep going. You're almost there. I found a rock I like. Griffins, I don't know how to thank you. We never would have made it without your help. Oh, you would've done the same for us.

All right, this is the hotel where the bellhop works. Hey, there he is. Sal! Well, hey, Cleveland! What are you doing here? I was wondering if my friends and I could ask you a few questions.

I'm going to play this really loud tonight to get back at our Armenian neighbors.

you've still got a hell of a lot to see You've got a lot to seE

Hey, Tyler, you on your way to Algebra? Yeah, I'll see you there. (SOBBING)

Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K?

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING) (GROANS ANGRILY)

is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

(CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies. They're shiny. Yeah, it's a pretty warm day. (GROANING IN AGONY) Hey, hey, hey, there, champ!

Oh, it looks like it's almost time for us to pull our cords. Wait, wait, guys. How about this? Last one to open their chute gets 20 bucks. Okay. I'm in. Damn it. I'm dead already, Peter. You're looking at a dead man.

Well, I know one person who could have. My partner, Tom. All right, it's true. James Woods ruined my career! I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along."

I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. Anyone? Anyone? Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire.

Stop it, Meg. Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason...

His side screwed up our country for a generation. I hate everything about that man. I'm gonna go tear him a new one. I'm gonna go find some hardcover photography books of tasteful nudes. STEWIE: Oh, my God, yes, that is tasteful. Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to?

Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages...

Oh, my God! Carolyn? Cleveland? Oh. Hey, Brian. Close that window. You're letting all the stank out. I don't believe this. Cleveland, you're sleeping with my girlfriend? Nobody told me Carolyn was your girlfriend. I'm not his girlfriend. Carolyn, what are you talking about? We've been dating for three weeks.

Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful.

through your private areas, through your anus. Now let's go back in your mind to your childhood, to some of your deepest memories, maybe some that aren't so happy. You know, the anus has the second-highest density of nerve endings in the body. You remembering anything?

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

What do you eat? Attention. I like your hair. Still hungry. You have a beautiful speaking voice. I'm full. Let's see, I guess 185 pounds. Wrong. I'm 95% helium.

you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it! Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables! Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!"

Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40. But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze?

it was time to tell the truth. Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite dish! Oh? And who diD? I was just a 15-year-old girl. But at that moment, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make new friends. But only one chance to get a new car. And I had to take it.

Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right?

Peter, those are Cheerios.

"The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. "Signed, Peter Griffin." Peter, Come help me with the groceries. Ok, honey.

A whole straw penny? Indeed. Follow me. And in here, we're test-marketing a new mascot, Meaty, the Quick to Anger Clown. Hey, kids! Who likes McBurgertown burgers? I do! There was more to my question!

(MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not.

Coming up, Diane's weight.

Ahh!

Well, I guess through the Lord's will, anything is possible. All right, Lois. Scotty can have his treatment. Oh, thank you! Thank you, and God bless you both! Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)

You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family.

Come on! OkAy. Yeah, Okay. - sure. All right. - Done. Thank you, ladies and, uh-- A-and-- Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash!

Wonder what the hell's down there. Judd Hirsch? Hey. What's going on? Nothing.

Oh, Grievous. Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say? I don't know. Come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower. - But I like that guy. - Too late. (GRUNTING) My legs!

(HISSES)

in the house you know, you know, come on

Well, I hope you got your fill, Peter. Death, that was totally worth it. It was even better than the time I stumbled into that fat, lonely women's club. Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center?

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. But, of course. That was my victory day.

Sorry. I just farted.

You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page. What? Turn the page.

Hey, hey! Look who I brought! Welcome, young Skywalker. Thank you. Not you! I'm so embarrassed. I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.

Brian... Brian! It's me, Stewie! Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it! I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" And then when you did, I was like, "I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm.

Oh, Actually, it wasn't me. It was-- No, no. It's ok. I'm used to it.

(FARTING) PETER: Brown house.

(FART) MAN ON TV: We now return to Britain's most popular game show... (BRITISH AUDIENCE READING OUT) Do go ahead, then. Oh, no, you first. Wouldn't dream of it. Too kind, really, I insist. Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time.

Here I am in a committed relationship, and all I can think about is having a piece of Navy cake. "Hello. Who's that on the phone?" "Temptation!" How does he always get my number? I don't know. Anyway, I got big news, and I'll tell you over dinner. Greek. On me. But enough about last weekend. (CHUCKLES) I'm terrible!

Executive bathroom, sir? Yes. Right this way. So where is this executive bathroom? There.

So, how does he check out, Doc? Is my boy ready to compete? Um, I don't quite know how to tell you this, Mr. Swanson. You're paralyzed from the waist down. I know. Oh, Thank God! Oh! God, I was standing out there for, like, 10 minutes!

Look at the toxic waste we're producing.

Hey, when'd you get that tattoo on your lower back? I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug. What? I'm just glad to have you back on my side.

(GROANING) That's disgusting.

- You want to be my lab partner? - Really? Sure, you seem nice. Hey, do you want to join my after-school club? Sure.

You there, child woman! I'll give you a shiny new dime if you'll roll me into the nearest lake. Let me see if I can find you a juice box, K?

How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal!

I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon. Stop right there! Get away from her! Peter? Who are you? How'd you get in here? Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty!

Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to.

I've been working on this all week and I keep coming up dry. Who am I kidding? I'm never gonna be remembered for anything. Not like my great-great-uncles, the Siamese twins... who fought each other in the Civil War. - I'm seceding. - Like hell you are. Not too smart, huh? Yeah, did not think that one through.

Oh! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm cleaning myself. Uch. You were clean 15 minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Oh, yeah? That's nothing. Go ahead. Try them out. Hey, not bad.

Ah! It smells so good out here. You see, Peter? This is a much better way to spend a Sunday than what you dragged us to last week. Hey, if I'm starring in a production of Starlight Express, I want my whole family there.

We now return to Sherry and the Anus. Anus, are you still up? Yeah. Come on in, sis. Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend?

I'll be with Allah soon. What? He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving. All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready. Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing? Never mind that, let's just get going.

(MONITOR BEEPING) (VENTILATOR WHEEZING)

Jeez, Lois, I thought having you here was going to be fun, but so far you are a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Not this baby! Hey Lois, you seen my pants? Boy, WIll I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. HEy, Lois, what's with the sign? Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board. You never listen to me. Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire.

Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films! Hello.

Um, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And If you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday. Peter, I just received terrible news.

Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill. Haven't you guys learned anything? T.V. took over my life once. I'm never gonna let that happen again. Oh, My God. We've lost him.

Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

(THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.

Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you. I can't... I can't do that.

Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

Ugh! Ow!

God, this trip has been a disaster. I know. I actually thought I was gonna win big and get that plastic surgery I always wanted. Oh, my God! Look at him. He's so cute. (BARKING) I'm small, so this is okay.

Hey, where's Olivia? Oh, she's probably up at the house. Stewie? Yeah? It's not your fault. What? It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault. (FIRMLY) I know. No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.

You can give me away when I get married, Dad. Nah!

He also speaks Orange. - Mandarin, honey. - Mandolin.

Follow me.

Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh!

Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you.

Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin. Thanks, Jim. Hey! Hey, When you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say,

I love my wife more than anything in the world.

Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh!

Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass. Hey, don't call me names, Kyle. Hi, Kyle. Mmm. Well, listen. It was wrong of you to steal my customer away from me. And I want him back. Oh, yeah? (BOYS LAUGHING) Look, Griffin got his ass kicked. (LAUGHS) What a loser!

I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy,

(DRUNKENLY) Hey, hey, that's the guy. That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls. All right, on a normal night in the Pewterschmidt mansion,

You know, at first I thought what I needed was the immediate loving, physical touch of a new man. Yeah. But now I know what I really need is a friend Mmm-hmm. to just sit and listen to my problems. Uh-huh. - I don't think that's too much to ask. - No. I mean, how come men always feel like they can just use a woman? You know? Yeah. I mean, we have feelings. We're people. Right.

Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though.

Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet."

Is she still with him? Isn't he the one that beats her? Yeah, but she's gotten a lot better. All right, on the way back, I get to pick the radio station, because that was awful. I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry. Oh, God, I just... I hope Glenn's okay. I'm so worried about him. Shut up and limp!

How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out. Hi, honey. What? I was thinking about our kiss last night.

Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh! Hmm.

Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing. Evidently, madam, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. What I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls! Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie,

It has to be organic to the situation! What the hell you being so frigging comedy Hitler about? I was in three improv groups in college, Peter. I was in Improvidence, I was in the Wackadamia Nuts, and I know I'm dating myself here, but Three Smile Island. My point being that I am the only experienced member of this group. I can already tell this is not gonna be fun.

Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony? No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts.

Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one. (ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches! Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

The super devil is at least 6 inches taller. He has a flying motorcycle and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery. Thanks a lot, Dallas. Looks like we've all got something new to be afraid of. Everyone, it's over. We can go back to Quahog.

Yeah, I guess so. (SCREAMING) What the hell was that about? Was that Stewie and Brian? (MILEY ROARING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?

Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E If you've been so stiff they thought you died

I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us?

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you. I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car.

These things are part of the fabric of American life. Well, we appreciate your passion but this Congress supports the FCC. Indecency is un-American. Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove to you that that's a bunch of bull. Look around you. The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it?

Ugh! What do you want?

Yeah, but listen, Quagmire. Quahog has some extremely draconian laws governing divorce that all heavily favor the woman. What? What do you mean? Well, to be honest, if you divorce her, she'll probably get everything you have. What? No, that's impossible! I can't lose all my money and my house! Then I'll have to move into some depressing divorced-guy apartment!

Come on, we gotta follow them. Stewie? Huh? Oh. Oh. Everything all right? Uh, yeah. Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime? Great practice, Lois.

Here's the reaction from city hall. Shocking to say the least.

You're dead, jackass. You died in a drunk-driving accident. Oh, God. Did I hold on to the touchdown pass? What the... What's wrong with you? You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk. Look, I've been told I can give you another chance, but there's some things we have to do first.

Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union. And what exactly are your demands? We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge? Yes. We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home. No.

What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea? Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.

Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud. I am going to kick... your... aSS.

Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris. Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut!

You can't stop us, Mayor West! PETER: We are all-powerful! Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. Silence! We demand obedience! Or else!

Oh, yeah. That was amazing. What was the date of that? August 15th. August 15th! You betcha!

Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see. DOCTOR: How about now? PETER: No, nothing. DOCTOR: Well, that makes me feel much better.

(CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her!

The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois. What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING)

"She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish." Oh, yeah. Getting hot in here. I better take my shirt off. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

(SCREAMING)

(HAWKS)

All right, everyone, we're going to take a 10-minute recess. I would like to remind members of the jury that you are forbidden to discuss details of the case outside the courtroom. PETER: Hey, how about this trial, huh? And all its details. Let's discuss them. MAN: He said not to!

Poor kid.

Something about Stewie and Cheerios. Ha. It's gone. Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway! Peter, You can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game. There's nothing these Kids learn in school they can't learn on the street. It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three.

Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!

Damn it, Peter! Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year? Oh, A peace offering is it?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Lois! What are you two doing here? Well, we wanted to talk to you about something. Hmm, what's that? Well, we were just thinking, now that Daddy's retired, that you and he might be happier in a place where you can be with people your own age.

Thanks, boys. Just like that. Hey, Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?

Well, I wasn't gonna tell you till later,

We're never going to get up there. I wonder what's causing all this traffic. Oh, boy. Yep, there's the problem. Not drawn yet. Come on, guys. Really? Let's go. What the hell's going on up there? (SNORING) What? Yep. Yep.

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

Prepare to fire giant boob-nipple gun. (CHUCKLING)

Calm down! Calm down! (LAUGHING) Now Stewie! All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you brought our family to the edge of the abyss, and at the very last minute, you saved us all. I love you, honey. And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.

Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in! What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there. Very well, Peter. You leave us no choice. Men, form up Crippletron!

Oh, look, Lois, wishbone. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Yes! (GASPS) I got five seconds. (EXCLAIMS) No gravity.

Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me.

Hello? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! Ahhh! What? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh, no--no--No, there's no need to come up. We'll--We'll, oh... Blast!

Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. We have to give away Humpy? I told you not to name him. So, you feel better, Meg? All better, Mom.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

You just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.

Where are you? I can't see anything! (SCREAMING) I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses. Chris, I'm blind. I'm sorry, Meg. (BAWLING)

I don't know what I was thinking. I should've listened to you. Peter, I don't care about that. I acted like a real jerk, and I'm sorry, Lois. I know you just get on my case 'cause you're looking out for me. I am, Peter. And it's only because I love you, and I want the best for you and our family. I love you, too, Lois.

Gerald! (CHUCKLES) The secret is in the frosting, but I'll never tell.

Aren't you proud of your dad, Kids? Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

Diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly,

The first one's always hard. There we go. The second one's easier, 'cause, toes. Come on, fella. That's it. (SCREAMING) There you go. Create an adventure with that.

- Oh! Hey, Brian. - Hey. Not to worry, I called in, and a new cell phone should be here for you in three business days. What? Why? Well, clearly, yours is broken, because I haven't heard from you. I wanted to tell you about my week. God! Doesn't anyone in this house care about anyone but themselves? Hey, Brian, how was the seminar? Meg, please. I'm serious, Stewie.

I stole $10 from Mom's purse! I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years. Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one. But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words. I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go.

I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Diego? Sweaty. (MOANS) Thank you.

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.

I'm on the flag-girl squad! Oh Honey, congratulations. Hey, Chris, I bet you can't do this. Ha! I bet I can! We perform at all the football games. I'm practically a cheerleader. Oh Meg, that's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Peter? Hey, Way to go, Stewie. All right, Chris. I'll see you a fork and raise you A gravy ladle.

Yeah, that's authentic ItalIAN.

(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson.

PETER: ...the bird is the word

I love the trombone!

(CRYING LOUDLY)

I'm going home. Where's Brian?

What, You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants! All right! Virtual reality! Whoa-ho-ho! You guys gotta try this! Hey, Look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh! It's show time! Ugh! Oh, no! Oh, No! Ow! ow!

like a good boy.

Hey, how's the old guy doing? Ugh, now here's Joe. Why is everybody we know depressing? Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I'm gonna have to revoke your driver's license. What? It's obvious your advanced age has impaired your ability to drive safely. Please, Joe, I know he had an accident, but can't you look the other way this one time?

Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me?

- Pack your bags. We're going home. - What, you're just giving up? Look, Peter, I know you're upset because you blew your opportunity with the Patriots. But this is your chance to redeem yourself. Now, I bet if you really tried, you could turn that team around. You know what, Lois? When you were talking about that sale at TJ Maxx just now,

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal!

Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run!

Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect!

I can already tell this is not gonna be fun.

Oh, I'll show you. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter.

PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez. So, how'd Susie like your video? I don't care about her anymore. I'm in love with Bryan Adams.

(BARKS FEEBLY) Jesse, what is it, boy? (GASPS) Chris!

I was so consumed by power and money, I became the very thing I set out to destroy. Hooray, I'm mayor again! Don't we need to have a whole new election? There. Now no one will have heard him say that. We all heard him say it.

You think this is horrible, try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother! What about your bar? It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes. Who'd buy a wrecked bar? The bar's not wrecked.

Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw. No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys. Other paw! Finally!

Previously on Family Guy. Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car! You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over!

Ok, any comments?

I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day! Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock! Excuse me, Lord Griffin. Your family is going back tO quahog.

Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it! You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off!

in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?

And you're in. Nice try, Don. But I'm afraid we're going to have to take our business elsewhere. Oh? I don't think so. (PLAYING STAR WARS THEME) What the hell was that?

(SINGING)

(WHOOPING) All right. All right. Stewie, come on. We're going home. What the devil are you talking about? My final exam is tomorrow and the only way I'm gonna pass is if I cheat. And if I do that, what was the point of coming back to college?

Lois? Peter, sometimes you just make me sick to my stomach. Look, I know you think Jerome was a good guy, but... No. He was a good guy, Peter, and I'm gonna prove it to you. And you're gonna feel like a real jackass. What's that? It's a gift for you. You don't deserve it, but if anything,

PETER: It worked!

No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls,

Whoever did this, thank you.

Happy birthday, sweetheart. Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake?

Give me that! Not on your life! Take one step closer, and the paper gets it. (GASPS) Drop your guns! Do as he says!

I haven't even had normal sexual relations in a long time. With Babs, I usually finish in my hand and just throw it at her.

Well, I guess I'll give it a little more time. It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey." That's the spirit! All right, here I go. Stewie.

And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

No, but I still have pretty aggressive cancer. Come on, Peter. We're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad. Oh. Right. You didn't forget, did you? No, no, I didn't forget. Let me just go change out of this fishing gear.

(BEEPING) Oops. Well, look at it this way. I just got you on next year's Oscar telecast. You'll be right after Ron Howard!

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really?

(GUNS FIRING) Sorry, giraffes! They only bought one! Nah, they returned it!

Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up.

Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway.

You are a filthy whore. Ok, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?

Stewie, what's wrong? (WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So? Brian, he put it up inside. Oh, God.

I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot!

The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! ooh, Turn it up! Mom and Dad are on! Hey, We're back with more K.I.S.S. Forum. Im here with the Griffins. And They got something really exciting to share. Yeah. My wife here did K.I.S.S. Get out of here!

She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do.... Just a city boy Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train

On which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis! (GROANS) Uh-oh.

Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance!

with his little hat and his Doc Martens.

You're getting on Mommy's nerves. Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch. It's all right. I'll get some Windex. Come on. Discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Grainy Footage of a Potential Bigfoot that will surely spark a lively debate in your household. Oh, my God! That is real! No, total fake. (ALL ARGUING) Look at that. That is obviously a suit. Look at the way it walks. Why would somebody make that up, Lois? What's in it for them?

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

Sorry. No, No. That's Edward James Olmos' ass.

Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig. I've become my father!

(KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word! Uh-oh. Hey, You're that black guy I saw on the news conference, ain't you? uh, Yeah, that's me. This is Car 15. I'm gonna need backup. I got a stolen vehicle here. But this is my car. Suspect's getting belligerent.

Now, get out of here, you slut. Okay. Can I keep the soda? Oh, all right. Yeah!

Do you really enjoy being Carol Pewterschmidt-Johnson- Carrington-Stone-O'Craggity- Canseco-Shteinholtz- Washington-Proudfoot-Fong?

He's a worse dad than a rich New York City investment banker. Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir. Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows.

I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years.

- Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit. I'm too self-conscious to do it. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You see, Brian, Meg has a job.

This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was. I mean, you know, sure, you were in a little over your head, but... Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was in over my head? Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing. Okay, then apologize. - I just did. - No, you didn't. You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing.

Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. Oh, come on.

Who was that guy? I say, constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle. Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!

Now smile for the camera. Yes. Yes. Smile, like a good boy. aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes.

Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

Oh, my God, the house too? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? CARTER: Did you blow all your money yet? Yes, Daddy. Ah! I knew you'd blow all your money. Love you, bye. I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery.

There's gotta be something we can do to take that place down. Don't worry, Brian. I think I've got an idea.

Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die. Please don't kill us! (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I've let you all down. Yes. You suck. I rule. Who the man? Who the man? Who the man? All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?

You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure.

Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time. Some things are worth waiting for. Wow. You're really a true gentleman. Yeah. (COUGHS) Not too many of us left. (CAMERA CLICKS) (COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING)

(LAUGHS) Well, that makes up for one murder. The only thing I'm guilty of is a few bad movies. That makes up for the other murder. I am sold. You're so witty and charming. That's nice of you to say, Peter. It's been so long since I've had a friend.

No mercy! (FARTS)

(IN DEEP VOICE) I got a bellyache. We shouldn't have did this, man.

(PETER) Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow! Oh, jeez. Ah, He's gonna do it! Oh, He's so ridiculous.

Well, I ain't no chicken. (LAUGHING) One-nothing! No, two-nothing! Three-nothing! Fight over! Fight over! Wow, you got a lot of catching up to do, and tomorrow night in the dark, huh? In the dark? Yeah, if you say so.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad?

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)

There it is. Dad, watch out! aah! Meg, honey, are you ok?

Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry.

That steak bone you gave me last night. I can't remember what the hell I did with it. Didn't you bring it outside? (LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)

0h, I hope he's gonna be okay. Me, too. I know we're not here to place blame or beat ourselves up. but, I can't help feeling like this is somehow Meg's fault.

Oh, I more than enjoyed it.

What the hell? Peter, if you want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids! Honey, are you pregnant? No. Ahh!

Right, and When that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns, how--how would our forefathers have settled their differences?

Hi, Anthony. Hi, Mrs. Griffin. You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately, so we got a little welcome-to-the-family present for you. Your husband's work and poker game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there, too, but I don't mind if you don't.

What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! I like how it looks like an owl. Thank you for the compliment! (SOBBING)

What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy!

Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree.

Peter, what... What are you doing? What the... What the hell... What are you doing? Peter! What the hell is wrong with you?

(GROANS) I'm sorry, but the Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet and Duke of Lacrosse Team already arrived two hours ago. But that's impossible! Peter, I'm sorry you've got to give up the country club life.

A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime. Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night. Dog?

Go! Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry hE's A famIly Guy

I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.

he turned the house into a giant puppet. Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry. I-If you get a job, who's gonna feed me, and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet?

Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now. Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.

You're gonna have to tell him sometime. (SHUSHING) Hi, Dad. Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today? Nope. Sorry, Chris.

Yeah, what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere? Middle of nowhere? No, I live right over there. What? A plane crashes in your backyard, and you don't say anything? This is Canada, eh. I thought it might be rude to intrude on your plane crash. Well, this is great news! We're saved! Yes, I suppose so. Listen, why don't we head back to my place,

Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever.

Well, Rudolph, We finally figured out what makes your nose red. Is it pixie dust or-- or leprechaun tails?

A 5, 6, 7, 8. Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition Met the greatest earthquake ever known High on the rapids

Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke! Uh, No, I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle! I'm not a boy. Yes, you are.

There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay, but remember, this is my class.

10 more reps. Ok, and one, and 2, and 3...

(POP MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING IN GERMAN) Yay!

Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)

What an ass.

Ugh!

Thanks, Brian! Brian?

What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute.

Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy!

Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...

All right. Terrific. (THUMPING) BRIAN: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS)

Thanks for helping me set up this jungle gym, guys. Lois says Stewie's been getting a little chunky.

Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. Who told you the joke?

I tell you, I could crap one of those things out in a night. I'm gonna tell Mom you said "crap." No, I mean it. I could do it in three hours and idiots everywhere would buy it. Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point, but I've given up writing.

Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy, or just coming back from a colonoscopy. The fuck's going on down there? Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. Come on, we want our buddy back. I'm not putting that toupee on again, Peter, so I'm not sure what you want me to do. You could get a hair transplant.

(MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring. Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom. Okay, how about "bathtub"?

I noticed one of my testicles went up inside my body and it hasn't come back out yet, and I'm a little scared. Sir, this employee just made a sexual remark to me. No, Dad, I'm really worried. See? Look. Is that normal? Sir, sir! Your employee is exposing himself to me! But, Dad...

- I hope I'm not bothering you. - Nope. Just doing some stretching. Maybe a few poses. You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right? Uh-huh. I know what you're thinking. Stewie's so late to the yoga party. I'm not even any good. Right?

You know, Like diamonds. But I love our old house.

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man! Can I have a hug, Brian?

Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those? - No. - Oh, God. (RETCHING)

Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died. Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay. You don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later. You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

I'm not in right now. Please leave a message. Beep! Man, I hate these things. Uh, yeah, Hi, this is Peter Griffin. Uh, I'm sorry I missed you, uh-- Peter, Play with this.

(SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language.

I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in. So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran. I slipped in with the rest of the group, when they all converged on the scene. I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom. But that's when Derek went out to the balcony.

Hey, Horace, give us three shots of your best bourbon. And have that Russian waiter I like bring it over.

Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too. CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready. You in or out?

In the morning, cool weekends. FM. - Weenie, Weenie, Weenie. - And the Butt. And welcome back. Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid. Can I use your mike?

Ow! Bitch! Okay, let's get the presents under the tree.

Oh, no, we're too late. (LAUGHING) I must bless this coupling with my flaccid English penis. CAROL: Oh, no! Oh, my!

Doctor, is my brother really insane? Mrs. Griffin, we don't use the word "insane." We prefer the term "mentally hilarious." I can't wait to meet the lunatic. I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is.

Oh, The Phillies won. You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. Or sister. Oh, A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. What? Another baby? But--But, I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me?

So what are you saying? I'm saying, she's a bad influence on you, and you should stop spending time with her. I shall do no such thing! Penelope is wonderful. We're going to be together forever. Well, Rupert, this is a big mess. What the hell were you doing talking to him?

Suddenly Life has new meaning to me There's beauty up above And things we never take notice of

Peter, I really want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex. For your information, Lois, it's called Dogs Humping, and it is the cornerstone of our Wednesday night lineup. Lois, responsibility lies with the parents. There are plenty of things that are much worse for children than television. Like when Peter babysat for the neighbor's kid. All right, I couldn't find your toys,

Fine.

Who's that? O.J. Simpson on Spooner Street. Now that's a story I can sink my teeth into. Stick around.

Thank you.

Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) Oh, I give you my...

Really great. He's really found his niche, you know. He's really got the cheap, forgettable lead thing down, which is great. That's fantastic, 'cause, you know, I might bankroll this comedy, and we need somebody who's not that funny and not that good looking, and that you forget about, the second you leave the theater. I think Bradley would be perfect for that!

I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet. Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois. I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow. You know what would be a great idea for a TV show?

So, like, you see a hot girl, and you're, like, "Okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty "'cause you've definitely worked at it "with the clothing, and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." But secretly, I'm just, like, "Hey, man... "Where is the chase and how do I cut to it?" Wow, you're smart.

Of course I know how to get us home!

(SIGHS) Maybe you're right. What the hell. I mean, what other choice do I have at this point? Everybody knows now anyway. Great. Trust me. Nobody's gonna give you a hard time. And even if they do, just ignore them. That's what I do with that weekend bully. Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing?

Plus, I ate a dog yesterday, and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace. Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream.

(ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser! I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again.

Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say? This is not safe. I'll teach you how to drive some other time.

Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that. Chris, who are you talking to? Grandma. Oh, no! What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. Oh, Lois, again?

Well, I have always cared deeply about young people.

(SNARLING)

See, yeah, I'm not quite... We can't do this over the phone. You're gonna have to come over. I can't come over. We're still on the run, because the town thinks Stewie's possessed. No, they don't. Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago. What? I have to go. Wait, wait, I have another question. How do I know if I'm Jewish?

What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude.

Ooh! Ooh! Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14. Ohh! It's okay, I'm just happy to be on TV. All right, take her away. Okay, here's another one. Who would you rather do?

Hey, Horace, get that wiener out of your hand and give us three more beers over here! (CHUCKLES) Lois, you're always giving me the business. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, I meant to tell you guys. We shot some drug dealer this morning,

Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you." Come and dance on our floor Take A step that is new

- The tooth fairy isn't real. - What? Look, I didn't wanna burst your bubble since you're just a kid, but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors. Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat.

Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911-- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here.... Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna....

and the fatigue that I've been feeling, and the persistent cough. (COUGHING) You might, uh... You might have two things.

Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous. I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche. Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present. All right, get on. (SIGHS) We made it.

- Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly! Oh, my God!

You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?

Who's got the most school spirit? I do! Show me your school spirit! (INHALES)

He 's a family guy

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot. You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust. QUAGMIRE: That bastard! That was my idea! He stole it! I was gonna do that to my penis!

Get ready to land.

What? What do you mean, what? You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke. No, I didn't. And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk? Just stay away from my booze!

We now go live to the Rhode island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa is standing by. Trisha? Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility, Where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans, now that you're out of jail? Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend,

I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. I don't want to be just like everybody else. But I don't want to be different. I just want to be. What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? Ah, This is gonna drive me nuts!

(FOUAD LAUGHING) So, without further dudes, let's watch this thing. PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz. MAN: Sorry.

Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin', and the victim's name is "theater." This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland!

I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. So I came home. Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. What's he expecting us to cut to? I think he wants maybe... I don't know... Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? But, we don't have that! We gotta come up with something.

We're pretty good at this. We're like six for eight. Is there anything we can do? Well, fortunately, the ship runs on autopilot. We just need some time to figure out your coordinates and calculate the reentry plan. So just try to stay calm and we'll figure this all out. By the way, you're all quite famous now. You're on every news channel. Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams.

ALL: Ew! I farted during the murmuring.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention.

What a day. You both did your civic duty and you saved Mayor West. Yeah, and you know, I wasn't Facebook friends with a lot of those guys before, but now I am. God, Seamus has listened to Mony Mony on Spotify over 2,000 times. Yeah, I mean, it was a pretty intense experience,

is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you All the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

(ROARING)

Ja! I want to be a skateboarder! (PUNCHES LANDING) (GUN FIRES) Hey, there's something on here. STEWIE: That's weird.

Well, i-I'm getting something really special, too. And--And by special, I don't mean special like that Klinemann boy down the street. More special like--like Special K, the cereal. Hey, What did they do with the regular K? And for that matter, whatever happened to Kaye Ballard? Y-You know, if you said "mallard" and you had a cold, it would sound like "Ballard". Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction - that drastically alters the present. Really? No, you can do whatever you want. Come on.

Water-soluble. No, Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! Oh! If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary. What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy. Yes, yes. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.

I'm going for the "funny bone," Dad. Oh! You touched the sides. Aw jeez, He's waking up. Quick, Let's get him back to the bus station. Dad, I don't want to be here. I want to be chillin' with my homies. Now, Chris, it's important you learn about your Irish heritage.

Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it.

Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. (SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord. PETER: Here's your milk.

I just don't think it's right.

Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did.

Uh-oh. What's that in there?

Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it! I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" And then when you did, I was like, "I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm. Remember how they only needed little girls?

You bastard! Nick was no good for her and it broke Skippy Handelman's heart! Dear God and Black Jesus!

No, I really like Coleman Hawkins, Ben Webster. Oh, and early Coltrane, before he got clean. Yeah, no junk, no soul.

La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this.

Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely.

Dust Mites! My God, what? What just happened to me?

I'm leaving.

have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? undefinedThey're the same person. " know, right? You're brilliant. Hey, Oogy! So tell us, Oogy, where did you find this one, huh? You two meet at a Mensa meeting?

I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again. I won't, I swear!

All right, "Something you sit in." You said, "Chair." Survey said...

Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money. So, here's $10,000. And I expect you never to mention this ugly business again. $10,000? Not enough? Fine. Make it $20,000. How do you spell Kichwa? Yeah, You know what? Screw the Kichwa. Make it out to Peter. P-E-T-E... This just in. Slave-owner descendent,

But, why?

Brian, why are you pink? (SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg smell like sweat and shame?

You... Actor. You... Tony? You...

Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice. We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants!

Mom, Stewie's dead.

We only have one part left for a little girl. What? No! No, that's impossible! Oh. That's too bad, Stewie. Well, I guess we can go home now. But I don't want to go home! I want to be on Jolly Farm! Well, you heard her. They're only auditioning little girls. Now, come on, let's get out of here. I suppose you're right. Nothing I can do. You know, why don't I just meet you home? I'm going to run some errands.

Hey, Stewie, you better come down. The party's about to start. What is that? Is that a turtle? Yes, Brian. I found him at the park. I named him Sheldon. Oh, and get this. I brought him home today, and coincidentally this is the day Rupert started working out again. So transparent.

No words... sh-Should have sent a poet. There's enough food to last us forever!

Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet?

I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

Hey, what's up, B-rie? Stewie, just give me a beer. I've had a bad day. I cheated on that assignment. You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here. I totally reek, man. - Check this out. - Come on!

It created an evil clone of me. That's why I didn't feel more evil. All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied. If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup.

You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed. Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ. - Who are you? - Jesus Christ. Who are you? Jesus Christ!

Tonight you and me party like it's 9. Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's. There have been many great Griffins throughout history, including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt. All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, but I will lead you to freedom.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye

Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island.

And it's easier on my breasts! Everybody wins!

Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight. Hoi! Hoi!

Hello? Hello, Jonathan? No. What number are you CALLing? 7. No. This is 3. Oh, Sorry. And his great grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher. Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why? Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad.

Don't worry, you'll pick up on all the technical doctor jargon pretty soon. Hey, is it prescription or perscription? I think it's prescription. Prescription... That just feels weird in my mouth. Perscription is better. Oh, and there's the ER. Don't go in there unless you want everyone to yell at you.

This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?

Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later.

You look great, Lois. Anyone nailing you now?

(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)

Wow, she's really getting it. Yeah, I know that girl, that's Donna Magdalene, and her sister's a bigger slut than she is. Listen, Mary, I know this isn't as romantic as seeing someone pressed to death. Joseph, relax. I'm having a good time.

It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.

Here it is. Brian. Oh, no. Wait. It's for B. Ryan. Oh. Cool, Mrs. G. Thanks for letting me stay here the last couple of weeks. I've enjoyed his company. She invited everybody except me? What the hell? We dated for six months! Ouch. Well, Brian, looks like you're the odd man out, like a non-praying mantis.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert! Can you believe it, Cleveland? Lois thinks I'm bad with money. She's got a point, Peter. You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money.

- Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. How can you be bored? This convention has everything. You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING)

All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do.

Just give it a chance.

My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something.

What the... What the hell is this place? Welcome to DUMP, Deep Underground Military Protection Facility. Wouldn't that be DUMPF? The "F" is silent, like in "knife." We're actually working for the federal government, and we need your help. Do you want to be spies like us? Can we be spies like them? We've actually resolved our differences.

Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch! (SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you. You obviously have no respect for either of us.

Hurry! Joe! All right! Yes, vamos! Ugh. Let's hear it for Joe! Yeah, let's hear it for the guy who found Joe! Yay! Ok. Huh. That's finger suckin' good, huh?

Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to? Yeah. Make it out to Charmin, because that's how I'm going to use it. "Charmin." Is that with an "S-H" or... Wait a minute. That's not nice. You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh,

A candle? I can get a candle now.

Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois.

- Say something. - What?

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

I love you. I love you, too, Glenn. - Glenn? - Sorry, sorry. Damn thing can't tell the difference. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone.

and... Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary. No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood? How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble! My baby! Get out there and tell those people the truth.

Honey, be careful. This Pelican's Reef sounds dangerous. That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois. So you can watch the sea until I return. Go on, try it out. Peter, that doesn't look entirely-- Go on! Peter, I'm really not comfortable steppin' foot on this-- Lois, I gotta leave in, like, 5 minutes. Is this scotch tape?

(THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class!

Lois! Ah! Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois,

(CLEARS THROAT) A tip is customary! (METALLIC THUD)

I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it! Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands right there? It'll help me relax. Ok, buddy. Ahh! Heh, heh.

So, if you'd like to move back in and take things slowly, one step at a time, I suppose I can give you the chance to earn my trust again. That sounds like a lot of work. Go to hell! Carter, what are we here for? What are we here for? All right, all right, fine, fine.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family. That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog...

"I'm A rocket man "rocket man "burnin' out his fuse out here "alone" "and I think it's gonna be A long, long time "till touchdown brings me round again to find

(CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific.

I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill.

Quagmire loaned me this book called the Kama Sutra. It's Indian. And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper?

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING) (AIR WHOOSHING) STEWIE: Well, well, look who has surfaced.

ahh! ahhh!

let's ceLebrate

Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it.

Hey, It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner. But Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." Hey, How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? How about that?

Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?

I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!

How's it going, Kurtwood? Good. Thanks for having me. Quagmire, it's so awesome that you could come over after work today. I know. I'm so psyched. Hey, let's make some Kool-Aid. No. We got to wait for Lois to do it. No, we don't. I know how to make Kool-Aid. No, Quagmire. We're not asposed to... (GASPING) LOIS: I'm home, Peter!

causing World War III.

Damn!

Testicles. Huh. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit! Mom's gonna get whacked? What did you do? Oh, dear, there are so many people to thank. God, of course, and who else? This is so unexpected.

(LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) STEWIE: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look.

Girls! Girls! Girls!

what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you.

Look, Lois, you did what you did, and there's nothing you can change about that.

Someone to do for Muddle through for You ha ve James Woods

Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities.

Maybe the two of us could.... You know what? I don't care. You're a bitch. Brian, I know you're upset now, but if there's anything I've learned in this life... is that you can't let the little things.... Hey! Hey! Where's my money? Don't you walk out on me!

Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you. All right, Stewie, since Lois says I got to keep an eye on you, we might as well have some father-son time. So I'm gonna measure your penis and then I'm gonna measure my penis, and we're gonna see whose is bigger.

(BELLOWING) Man, Texas is great. Back where I'm from, a retarded guy could never have this much fun. What'd you just say?

Clearly. I'm gonna put it on right now. I know how hard you've been working. And the whole family appreciates it. Thank you, Lois. I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian...

Welcome to the cool side of the pillow. You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland. Works every time. Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Superman 5: The Broken Condom. Hey, Lois, ready to go to dinner? Yeah, sure. Just let me grab my purse.

Or, you know... Or should it just be me? Yeah, you know what? I think that'll be better. Get out. Go, go, go. It's just me. I wasn't ready. Hi! (EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.

Mayor West? Quiet, young man. Can't you see we're having a poker game? Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark.

I'm sorry I had to tell Lois what was going on. You just... You gotta realize I was only thinking about your safety and... (LUKE SNEEZES) (GROWLING) (SIGHS) Luke, you might as well come out now. Luke! They let you out of jail?

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.

Car! Car! Car! Meg, order up! Here you go, hon. From Flappy himself. I don't care if they're from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan! Try them. You'll like them. Yes, well, I rather doubt that.

From this day forth, people are gonna know the name Peter Griffin... even ifl have to shout it from the rooftops. You hear that, world? I am gonna do something that people will remember me for. Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack. Hello?

He's retarded, Lois.

I'd like nothing better. Hey, Bonnie and I are watching Grey's Anatomy if you want to come in. Oh, boy, Joe, I got to tell you. That, that... That sounds awful.

All of a sudden you realize you're feeling something, too. When did that happen? When did the Handiquacks become people I care about? When did they become like welcome guests in your home whose weekly visits the whole family eagerly awaits? Take a look at what we got, Peter. One day, three ducks were crossing the road

but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a lot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined. So, that's what that was. I mean, he was very nice about it.

Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.

All right, can we go now?

Yeah, it seemed like they're all set without you. She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience. You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there? Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Ooh! Hey, why don't you blast open this door, and then we can... Hey, a butterfly! Look at those beautiful wings flapping. But here comes ka-slice!

Isn't that the little boy who pushed you?

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING) (GRUNTING) Crimony.

What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know. I see. Your silence says it all.

That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting.

Oh, God, please put your clothes back on. Mama... Mama... Do you love me now, Mama? Please love me, Mama!

We got to stop him! Can we stop at the supermarket? I want a Granny Smith apple. How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual. Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

Well, Meg said you'd be asleep, but it's fine. I can work with this. Oh, hell no! Meg! Oh, my God. Kent, I just texted you that the plan was off. Meg, what the hell were you planning on doing?

Oh, god! Oh, my God! Hey, Dad, you never did tell us how you got our house back. Simple. I just offered the people I sold it to double what they paid. What? But how could you afford that? I kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of my own. Thanks to old Honest Abe we have our house back and I learned a valuable lesson.

I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Simon, Would you be a dear and ask Stewie to dance on his own feet tonight? Pardon me, Simon, could you provide Olivia with a bucket so she can carry a tune? People! People! Stop this craziness!

Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know. Pardon my French. You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day.

Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here.

The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment? Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down on my way to give a speech about how T.V. keeps families together. Would you like to hear it? No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.

I've seen enough. I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day! Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

Yeah. But don't tell anyone. The consequences could be dire!

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

(EXCLAIMS) He said it!

Yeah, but we saved an innocent man today, and that's something to feel good about. "Feel good about"? They found eight more bodies last night. One of them was on this block. There's a maniac out there. He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes, and slitting their throats. STEWIE: And we're dead.

I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.

Well, I guess he did do it.

Hi, my name's Peter. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news of the story of Jesus Christ. - Okay, go ahead. - Really? Wow.

I'm telling you, Joe, he's as annoying as mosquitoes in the summertime. Can I come in there with you? There's light in there. No. Go away. Can I please come in? You have juice, and I want to sit in it. Shoo! Get lost.

Yeah, you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp. Get to the chopper. All right, everybody got your bowling shoes? Everybody got your balls? I don't have my shoes. Jonathan, we were just up at the counter.

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight? No. You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) I'll see you at 7:00.

It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes. Haven't even tried to figure out each other's names yet.

I guess the pilot must have been JFK Junior. Even I found that to be in bad taste. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God! Look at the size of that pimple. You're like a circus freak! I'm kidding. You're just becoming a man, sweetie.

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

Well, it's good to be back in our old house. Did we used to live here? I don't even remember it. I hope that's developmentally normal, and not just from the meth. How did we get this place back, by the way? Well, luckily the value of this place plummeted because this is a meth town now.

(CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies.

Oh, Here are the coffee mugs. Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh? Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me.

No, it's too dark. (GRUNTS) Tom? Tom! (THUNDER CLAPPING)

God, I hate this freaking cat.

I need 40.

And that's why whenever I have sex without protection, I call it, "Taking a John Chancellor." (BOTH LAUGHING)

Where did you get that? Uh, um... You tried to kiss me. Peter, I'm not gay. What the hell's the matter with you? Look, look, look, let me put it to you this way. I'm attracted to you in the way that a man is attracted to a woman, but I'm not gay. When you live out in Hollywood, you learn that life is about different spirits and energies you meet along the way.

This is Canada, eh. I thought it might be rude to intrude on your plane crash. Well, this is great news! We're saved! Yes, I suppose so. Listen, why don't we head back to my place, grab a bite to eat and watch the big curling match on TV? Canada is in the world final against Mexico.

You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No! Why is he freaking out like that? He's having a little hallucination from the fever,

Ooh. Hot. Hot. Oh, yeah, that's hot, that is hot. Tell me something, Sindy,

All right, Carter. I finished cutting together our anti-pot video. Take a look. PETER: "Hey, I got a great idea. Let's kill six million Jews." CARTER: "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?" PETER: "I got the idea from... From... "Well, from while I was smoking pot.

(CLUCKS) (PETER SCREAMING) (GROANING)

All right, Mrs. Swanson. You're doing fine. Hey, Peter, don't you want to watch this? It's a beautiful miracle of nature.

My God, we better get her to a hospital. She doesn't look too good. Yeah, she looks worse than Andy Garcia when he had his conjoined twin. I had a great time with you tonight. You're really amazing. Thanks, Andy. I had a great time, too. Hey. How about some love for shoulder guy over here?

Your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in Hell, may she rest in peace. She was right. Everyone was right. I'm not good enough for you. Peter, I don't care what anyone else thinks. All that matters is that I love you. I love you too, Lois.

I'd put "U" and "I" together. Hey, You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you got "fine" written all over you. Hey there. I don't wanna come between you. Or do I?

You don't say.

(WATER SPLASHING) Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Griffin! What the hell are you doing in my house? Well, I was getting ready to watch a movie on your big TV, but first I thought I'd use your hot, bubbly toilet. That's not a toilet! Hey, when's it go down, by the way? It's just doing a lot of loop-de-loops. Get the hell out of there, you son of a bitch!

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery?

It's just, apparently somebody flushed a baby swamp monster down the toilet somewhere not far from here.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets! And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle! Yeah, I heard it. They say my name on TV all the time. Calm down, bitch.

I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn. You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that!

Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING)

UH, Hey, can I join you? I guess. What's your namE?

Well, I know what I'm getting.

Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink. What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom. Isn't he great? No, he's weird.

And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family.

Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts? Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman?

So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning. - Okay, you met her. You can scram now. I shall do no such thing. Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her? Oh, my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him.

Stewie, guess what. Frank and I just closed a deal to buy the Quahog Cabana Club. Oh, wow, Brian, what else are you doing that's terrible and stupid? Just wait. In a few weeks, that club will be the hottest spot in Quahog. You're deluding yourself.

I haven't even had normal sexual relations in a long time. With Babs, I usually finish in my hand and just throw it at her. Look, relax, will you?

No. Don't you remember, Peter? It was on Thanksgiving that their son Kevin got killed in Iraq. Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, which... Which Iraq war was that again? Was that the one from before I had a cell phone or the one from after I had a cell phone? After MySpace but before Twitter. There was a time before Twitter? Look who's here! Happy Thanksgiving.

Now you got burned! Ha! No bail! Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, l-Let's sit down and talk about this. I want to believe you, but-- Ugh! Gotcha!

Jesus Christ, unbelievable. All right, I'll be back.

Cheryl Tiegs. Nice. I really like this restaurant. You seem to like everything. Brian, you're acting a little distant.

Come on in! Welcome, GriffinS! Oh, uh, uh, We must be early. Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.

Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya!

Sometimes (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, New Brian, you're next!

Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. Oh boy! This'll be even easier than running unopposed. Oh, Is that so? Not only am I gonna win this election, I am gonna eat your nose.

"And then Captain Leroy Hot Dog "Zanzibar and Gina from my work "got in the back seat of his really cool spaceship. "Gina was finally wearing that tank top I got her and nothing else. "Zanzibar knew he couldn't control "his space horniness any longer, "and then they totally did it.

Brian.

(BOTH GASP) Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? See what you've started now?

No--no, Not so fast, Lois. A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid.

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year. And then he splits those up into five DVD sets. He doesn't make those decisions, Chris.

Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face! In my face! In my face! Ah! No! Acid girl! It's acid girl! Ah! Ah! James Woods High! I am high on James Woods High! Hey, guys.

Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team.

Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior? Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there?

you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.

so I got the Iron Giant and a courtroom doll that kids use to show where the molester touched them. All right, Meg, enjoy your bachelorette party. I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see what you crazy girls are gonna do while I'm gone, but just remember this is a residence and should be treated as such.

Will you give me away at my wedding? Wow, sure! That'd be great! Jillian, don't you want your own father to give you away? Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you. Nah!

No, no. No way.

"all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy"

Yeah, it's here for Wimbledon or something. Oh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anybody's ever done for me. Well, get used to it. You're going to be hearing a lot of things I've done for you. Oh, I'm so happy you had fun. I did, too. And I'm sorry I practically cried at the symphony. It's just that Romeo and Juliet gets me every time.

A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do! You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better.

Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets? Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!

The walls are closing. (ALL SCREAMING) LOIS: Oh, my God! Listen to them, R2, they're dying! What do we do? Only one thing to do, man. You still got that bag I gave you?

Who's in the pharmacy? PETER: John Wayne!

I think that can be arranged. A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.

Name six more.

Oh, When you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.

There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy. Kevin Smith, 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane!

'cause you might be trying to call me right now. And I don't want to tie up the line. So, I guess.... I guess.... Yeah, give me a call. Okay, I'm hanging up... in three, two, one. Okay, call me back.

Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. Pregnant? Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"?

Wow, that's a lovely color. Your dress is.... The color of your dress is.... " like.... You're very pretty. 0h, thank you. I'm the 11th grade history teacher, Miss Parks. Oh! Like Rosa Parks. Or, you know, or someone white named Parks. Nothing cuter than a nervous white dog.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself!

Let's get him! Throw him out! Wait! We can work this out!

starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared. No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. The carnival with Rupert. We won! We won! Do it again. Now I want a pink one. Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour. Oh, okay. You want to go ride the tea bags? Tea cups? Tea bags?

you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point.

Hey there. You, uh, mind if I share a ride? I don't think so, pal. Oh, my god! I know you! You're Luke Perry. You were great in Rain Man! Like that scene in the airport where you wanted to get on the plane. And that dumb guy was screaming. That was Tom Cruise. Not in this movie theater it wasn't. Every time I see that lame-o actor, I put your head on his body.

And by the way, I actually think she's doing a pretty good job. She's teaching you guys independence. We're one! Independence means we die! Do you like this? I just got it.

I say we should let them. JASPER: Oh, no! What's wrong? Look. Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriages next week. While controversial, it has nonetheless effectively distracted all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco. The what? I don't know. Something about a lizard. And now this. Look at that.

and picnic on the grass We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass Yikes. We certainly do get around

Oh, there you are! Hey, give me some money. I saw a cool bandana. What the hell's going on here? Listen here, you bully! For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you. Like hell she did. Brenda, you tell them? No, not yet. Everyone, I have wonderful news. Jeff and I are getting married.

Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight.

State law? God, this place officially sucks worse than the WNBA. And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive?

(GASPING) There she is. There's Anna Lee. Hang on, Anna Lee. I'm coming. It's them.

Penis for your thoughts. I just... You complete me, you know that? You just make me want to be a gayer man. Oh! Come here. And you don't miss your wife at all? Well, sure I do, but this is a whole new chapter in my life, Scott.

He's a family guy (ALL CHATTERING) Ah! I can't wait to see all my old classmates.

You leave her to me. Come on, honey. He's been having accidents. Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready. This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond. Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!

No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt. Chris, we have company. So, you ever been with a woman? No. Peter! What? There. Are you happy, Doug? Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing?

(GIANT STOMPING) (WHISPERS) Brian. Hide!

Illustrating a point.

Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude. How many times have I told you, no showboating? Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun. I got it under control. Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut!

I am gonna make Mayor West change his mind. But, Brian, the Bible says gay marriage is an abomination. Oh, don't give me that Young Republican crap, Chris.

But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

Ding.

Hey, I've already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen.

Well, that doesn't sound very fun. Well, if that's how you feel, then we no longer have a family. Boy, I'm glad you said it. But this is my house, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Please give me your word that you won't go in that door. Okay. Good. See you in a half hour. Peter, this is your chance! Brian, I gave him my word. The hell with that. Let's see what's behind this door. (MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.

Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him! Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt.

Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois.

It's Ok. It's ok. Shh.

(MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

Oh, Great. Brian. Uh, h-Hey, Joe, ha! How's it going? Pretty good. You were, uh, doing A little swerving back there. Uh, yeah, Yeah well, you know, m-me and the boys were just-- Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian. You're under arrest. Oh, Come on! Move it. Hey, One of you guys all right to drive?

(BELCHES) Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things. Sometimes you just... Whoa, that was close. Yeah, how'd that thing fall over? Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks?

You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy. You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships. Brian's right. We were so obsessed with that trophy, we lost sight of what was really going on. Well, Now we have a real problem to deal with. That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax.

A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God! (DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. But I... Grab his legs!

Quick, into the bathroom! We're gonna have to come up with a way to change your appearance. Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears. I'm already standing in urine, and I hate the person I'm with. Now, let's see, there's got to be something in here we can use.

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone.

Lot of face stuff going on in that one. Yeah, let's just get to it. Okay, so the eggs have already been fertilized by means of intracytoplasmic sperm injection. And now, the embryos will be inserted. The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina.

Griffin! Get the hell out of my building! Holy crap, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're okay! You're damn right I'm okay, and I'm here to reassume charge of my company.

You were there? I didn't realize that.

Thanks for taking time for me today, Bonnie. I just didn't know who else to talk to. Oh, that's okay, Lois. What's on your mind? Well, you're gonna think I'm an awful person, but I'm attracted to another man. Giggity? It's Meg's boyfriend, Anthony. (DISAPPOINTEDLY) Giggity...

But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game. The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube.

You stole my credit card, you son of a bitch. What did I ever do to you? That's a good question, Peter. What did you ever do to me? What did you ever do to James Woods? Well, I locked you in a wooden crate and forgot to put an air hole in it. Forgot to put an air hole in it. Well, you kind of had it coming. Look, Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet.

Eat it.

Hey, that's not art! Amateur! Hey, that's my dad! Except for that one. That's my dad if he were a cat. He's the whole reason I'm here. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk!

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York.

Dad, Mom, there's something I want to ask you. Can I go to school in Paris for a semester? What? Paris? Hey, you know, I have a pen pal in Paris.

I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir. Aw, Crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island. Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy.

So, what happens now? Will you just anchor the news by yourself? I suppose, for the time being. Well, that's kind of exciting, right? (CHUCKLES) You sound like my mother. She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast. I guess that's sweet, huh?

I know, I know we can't. I just feel bad they stole your candy. Well, now I know how Peter feels when Mort steals his paper. Come on, that's right, you bastard.

Fray The letter A The A, the A The letter A Thank yay! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no! Not again!

Oh, Peter! You look like you! I can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was. Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris. That's ok, Dad. Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!

Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent! Sweet. Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow! Hey, JoE! The van's gone!

And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards. Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues The movie never ends

Well, we'll, uh, have to do this again sometime. You name the time and the place, little neck. Huh? Oh, I've always loved charades. Your turn, Joe. The category is Famous People. Ok, guess who I am.

Jeff... Ilium... Tonio? Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio hasn't worked here for four years.

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

NudisT! My dad's a tailor, you jerk! Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go. So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great. Cool. I'll call you later.

Actually, Charlie's got the high score.

Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore. I'm just here to fly, sir. All right, Dylan. You know what? This isn't working out. All right? I don't care that I'm your father and you don't care that you're my son. We don't have anything in common. I think it's best if you just get out of this house. Fine. I hate it here anyhow. Get out of my way.

I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons.

Oh, cool. Two spots opened up. (STAMMERING) You go ahead. I can wait. I might wait for a stall. Oh, come on, Peter. We're missing the game. Hey. Hi. Hey. PETER: Damn it. He already started. If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird. He'll be all done, and I'll still be here.

An alliance blessed by God and hallowed by the community. That's why I'll never opt for the matrimonial condition. It wouldn't be fair to the historical framework of the institution. But for those who do, and then turn their back on its long-standing convictions? Shame! This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome. Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut.

Yes. We only have a moment, for we are taking a bus tour of Providence and other places.

Awesome, 'cause I got this new gun... Here we go. ...and I thought we could go deep in the woods, where no one would ever think to look... Oh, boy. ...and just shoot it. Awkward. You know, like so far in that no one can hear gunfire... A little on the nose. ...or screaming. I don't think so, Peter. Jeez, it's like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him.

Well, I listen to a lot of radio. Peter and Lois leave the radio on when they go out so I feel like somebody's home. Well, here's my card. Call me if you're interested. Hey, okay, we've got our first contestant. Let's hear Weenie's catchphrase. (CLEARS THROAT) "They no funny." (BELL RINGING) I think we have a wiener!

OBI-WAN: Luke. Luke, pull your pants down. Ben? You look awful cold.

Blasphemy!

B-b-b-Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman. Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.

or we walk! Fire her? She's the highest testing character on the show. Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract. Oh, yeah? Well, Here's what I think of your contract! I think it's awful, and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir. Let's go, Lois. We're outta here.

Besides, We haven't spent any time together since we played Operation. I'm going for the "funny bone," Dad. Oh! You touched the sides. Aw jeez, He's waking up. Quick, Let's get him back to the bus station. Dad, I don't want to be here. I want to be chillin' with my homies. Now, Chris, it's important you learn about your Irish heritage.

a whole new approach. Thanks. Okay, you can stop that now. I can't hear you. I'm a robot. Come on, knock it off. Does not compute. undefinedI'm going to bed. " do not require sleep.

Easy! I can't believe he's gone.

Right here is where we found the doll. Okay, everybody fan out and look for your father. Peter! Peter! - Dad! - Fat-ass!

We're not going fast enough. - Loser! - What did he say? - Hello? - I said you 're a loser. Who is this?

I hope everything's all right. My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this. Gentlemen, I give you the new Joe Swanson. (ALL GASPING) - Well, what do you think? Wow!

Police also released this sketch of a female accomplice believed to be his wife.

It's good to have you back, buddy. Thanks, Dad. I didn't really fit in there anyway. The rooms were only 15 by 20. (LAUGHING) If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd be dead right now.

You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you?

The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I?

Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta, then Loretta's having an affair. Oh, We can't tell anyone about this. That is the last thing in the world we want to do. What a day! We've done everything in the world. So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair. Good Lord!

Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed!

Yeah, I even had to take a second job as a door-to-door vacuum salesman. This thing can pick up anything. Here's a little demonstration. I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces, and to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces. Tough stain, right? Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.

Okay, Mark Burnett, you did Survivor and The Apprentice. Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiveable things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money? I got some ideas. Here's a nickel, pull down your pants. There's a show. Yeah-ha! Go. All right, now, who's gonna make a show about horrible New Jersey freaks?

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery. Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning. Like a dairy cow.

Maybe you could call him, like, Gizmo or something.

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too.

Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok? I told you we should've left cookies for Santa. aHh! My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do?

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Facts of Life.

Hi, honey. I'm home. (SCREAMING) Heart attack! Glenn, sweetheart! Is he all right? No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop.

That's for me ever having doubted you. A-plus! And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! EW!

I mean, we almost don't even need to watch. Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours. Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie. All right, got the little guy up from his nap. Say hello to everyone, Stewie. ALL: Aw!

(DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana.

This truly is a night to celebrate, especially for me. Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor. That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

Call it hell, call it heaven Call it hell, call it heaven It's a probable 12 to 7 It's a probable 12 to 7 That the guy's only doing it for some doll That the guy's only doing it for some doll Some doll, some doll Some doll, some doll The guy's only doing it for some doll The guy's only doing it for some doll

Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob. Goodnight, everybody. So, what do you think? I'm not sure, Peter. You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are.

(CROWD GASPS) You call that kissing a baby? That's how you kiss a baby.

And it's so obvious I don't care about the family. I just killed a 700-pound tiger with a stick and a rock! That doesn't make you a man, Gary. Here we go. Here's act two of the performance. Karen pretends to leave home for the 20th time. You know what, Karen. Go! I'm not going to stop you. Just go! - Get out! Get the hell out! - Screw you, Gary!

Meg, the family is here for Mr. Dougan's wake, so could you please bring in the body? Meg, I'm not doing this. You have to, Chris. Siblings have to look out for each other. Like the Mannings. Eli, you threw for three touchdowns today,

No, no, stay out of there. That's my special area! (SCREAMS) No! Stop! I'm saying no! I'm saying no! What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch!

(SOBBING)

(SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

This club and these clothes, my God, there's nothing that can stop us. (SHOUTING) Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86ed! Andy Dick? Oh, no! Come on! Let's get out of here! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) What the hell just happened? Andy Dick happened.

(ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh. Were we done cheering? (LAUGHS) Well, Mrs. Mayor, how do you feel?

He knows every dirty joke ever written.

sex is inevitable. Like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave. So, does anyone want dessert? Oh, I couldn't eat another bite. No. I gotta get home for the sitter. I'll have the souffle. That takes 45 minutes. That's okay.

Giggity. Oh, I say that.

Oh! This is like a video game. Huh! I'm kind of good at this. (GROANS) Later, dink!

It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome. You're such a cutie patootie. If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie. Aw! I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down! (HISSING)

Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready.

family guy

The question is, Brian, how am I gonna make people think I'm James Woods? The same way he did, Peter. Identity theft works both ways. The first thing we're gonna do is get you a perfect fake ID. I know a guy who does good work. You took a big risk coming here, man. James Woods could be back any minute. I know. How fast can you do it? As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid.

but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough!

A bitch. Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power.

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02

Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!

I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.

Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood. Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids to witness the plight of the Rebellion. Kids, you noticing all this plight? Roll 'em up!

Hey, I got an idea. What's the most consistently funny form of comedy in existence? Improv? Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv! Improv!

I don't know. Room for one more? Well, this is the last entry in the datebook. "Super secret meeting at motel. Inform no one." I think we got him now. You know, you really shouldn't lie on that bedspread.

ALL: Aw! (LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it, but you're all friends, except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us, but everyone else is our friend. Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.

Lois is the only woman for me. Well, then, it sounds like you've gotta find a way to win her back. Yeah, like--like we could get her drunk and take turns havin' sex with her. - How would that help me? - Oh, help you? Oh, oh, Yeah, yeah. Then, no. No, then, that--that wouldn't help you. Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy.

You don't really think I'm like that, do you? Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic. What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? Sounds good to me.

Oh, God. Hang on!

Yeah, I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ass?

I'm coming, Elizabeth! HERBERT: Use the Force, Luke. Obi-Wan? Yeah, it's me. Use the Force.

"To begin my life with the beginning of my life, "I record that I was born on a Friday, at 12:00 at night." (LOCK CLICKING) (DOOR OPENING)

Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP!

You know what the worst part is? All I wanted was for my dad to tell me he loved me. But instead he called me "a fat, stinking drunk." Those were his last words. Well, I hate to side with your father, Peter, but you do kind of drink a lot. And you know, sometimes it affects the people you love. Oh, my God. Lois, you're right.

Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING) Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw! Daddy, what are you doing? Look at the unicycle.

What are you talking about? Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley and I've just established the Church of George Jefferson. Who wants to move on up? (CHATTERING) Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard?

Well, kids, I'll see you later. Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love.

That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in. Uh, uh, Let's see. Uh... Hey, that was pretty good. But when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just "Me llamo Brian." Oh, You speak English.

"is violence in movies and sex on TV

Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault.

Bonnie, I have something very important to ask you. What is it? I have so enjoyed your intimacy these past few days. Will you stay here with me? Here? In Paris?

Jets rule! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hey, Watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the T.V., and get me a few beers, huh? Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes and the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yup.

Chris, would you like to read your personal essay? Okay, Mrs. Donovan.

Attention, everyone.

You know, Brian, just because you're writing a profile on teenage girls, it doesn't mean you have to be a creepy stalker and follow Meg around all day. It's called research, Stewie. I'm just being thorough. Where the hell is she going? There's nothing out in this part of town. What is that, Brian? What is an adult correctional institute?

It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, and still I have made no progress finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York Peppermint Pattie, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.

House. Roadhouse. That, too.

No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

What? What's going on? I don't get it. Man, I got to work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh? What?

but why are we eating at a strip club?

Except for that one. That's my dad if he were a cat. He's the whole reason I'm here. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize!

CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time. No!

so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

Hey, Charles Bronson's wife. Scooch over. I want to cuddle.

PETER: It worked! (GRUNTS) Let me go! Let me go, you bastards! You're all gonna pay for this! Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you. I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it. (ALL LAUGHING)

Good-bye, kids. Good-bye, Pearl. Hey, Who wants to see a dead body?

You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. Look, dinner's just about ready.

(CLAMORING) JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium.

We were both 14, and it was winter, and we had terrible head colds. Yes. Mine especially was very bad. I had terrible mucus coming out from inside my nose.

But I'm calling with big news. I was Anita in the camp production of West Side Story. Peter, you know you're terrible at patter songs. I did okay. ...America

But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in.

You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that?

Let the game begin! All right, Dad! Go, Peter! Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

(HUMMING TUNE) Oh, that's Dick Van Dyke. Okay. Okay, I got one. (HUMMING TUNE) I have no idea. Linda Evans and John Forsythe

I wish we'd never come here in the first place. Oh, choff!

and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud. - At the same time? - Yeah. And you have to flap your wrists, like this. And you'll do it, too? Of course. That's how it's done. - Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck! Hey, everybody. I'm home from work. My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office? Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit.

Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God!

Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you.

ahh! Yes. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm... Oh, How do I describe it? You make me feel so young You make me feel like spring has sprung

My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them. Well, I hope everyone had a fun afternoon at the firehouse. I sure did, Mom. I can't wait for the next family outing.

Pardon me, madam. I'm the truant officer.

So, what's the point? If you never find love, then it's just meaningless sex. How will I get the woman of my dreams? Only when you're ready. And maybe not even then.

What do you think's keeping Peter? I hope he gets here before they give you your award. Well, you're here, Lois. That's enough for me. (CHUCKLES) Oh... You always know just what to say.

Oh. What... What... (WHIMPERS) What do I do? What do I do? Well, just hope he's not standing on your soft spot. Well, is that possible? Because that could really mess up my... (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) Mom, I need money for lunch.

Hello, ladies. I'm Miss Watson, director of the retreat. I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin, who's here to get in touch with his feminine side. This world would be a far better place if there were more men like him. Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels.

Do you like her?

This ride's gonna be so frustrating. - I know. These horses are so slow. - Sexy. Sexy. Good-bye, Abraham Lincoln people.

Lois? Hey, Lois, honey? Sweetheart? Oh, You're awake! Hey, uh, can you hand me the pretzels? Here. Where are we?

I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane? I think I can do that. Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rogers and Hammerstein, not trash T.V.!

Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you! God, she's a pain in the ass! I wish Dad was still dead. I'll tell you, Lois' dad was a pain in the ass when I met him.

Lois Griffin. It's a pleasure, Lois. Who's the little guy? This is Stewie. Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME. Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door. I know. I've admired you in the garden from afar.

What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Ugh. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh!

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded!

We went to Barney's. I heard that's where all the famous people shop for skinny-leg jeans. Whoa! These are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on!

Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead!

He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free One, two, three, ho! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed

I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.

Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

All right, Jillian, since I'm giving you away on your wedding day, I want to make sure it all goes off without a hitch. Now, what are your thoughts on a wedding singer? I thought that maybe I would just DJ the wedding myself. I already made a playlist on this.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry. It's all right, O.J. Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill.

All right, I got my corner. Everybody ready? Ready. Chris? Ready. Meg?

Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here!

Al? Why haven't I leaped?

So, now our number one concern is that predators are watching our body heat. Peter, that's just a movie. That's not real. PETER: No, I think we need to cover ourselves in mud to avoid being seen. QUAGMIRE: Peter, Joe's right. That's only a movie. JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted! QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter.

you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way. This court will come to order. I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they'd, uh, catch their mistake.

Tricia Takanawa. What are you doing here? Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon. (MAN SINGING)

Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)

Definitely! What are you calling it? - Wish It. Want It. Do It. - Love it. Thanks. Okay. "Chapter One: Wish it. "What are all the things you want most in the world? "Use the following blank pages "to write down all of your dreams and desires." Brilliant. Make them do the work. Yeah, why not? You know, if people want crap, I'll give them crap.

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

What are you talking about? We're going to Natick! For what? A Twinkee factory that might not even exist anymore? She's right. Besides, this place is paradise. Sure is. Except for Randy Newman. Randy Newman? Yup. Just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

(EXHALES) I can't leave you like this. But you have to swear never to tell anybody. (GASPS) You mean, you're gonna eat my... Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear! Okay, how should we do it? I guess it's dealer's choice, really. I suppose the easiest way would be to use the diaper as a bowl of sorts. Do you know how to take it off?

O.J. Simpson? I may be a dumb beaver, but I'm smart enough to get out of here.

If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian. Okay. And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month. - Do you understand me? - Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not. I'm just a guy working at a record store. Well, if you're not Jesus Christ, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs. Don't! You are Jesus. Yes. I am.

Mmm. Mmm. Ohh. Mmm. What's going on? Did the city give you the permit? No, No. We're not part of the city. We're not even part of this country. And that makes us our own country! What are you talking about? Thanks to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the U.S.

Uncle Patrick, why do you strangle fat people? It's probably a weird fetish thing. Some criminals have 'em. Like those anal-retentive bandits who robbed Quahog Bank last year.

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

Nicole, I'm back from filming the third Naked Gun movie Oh, horror You have betrayed me Al Cowling said it would be so

and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!

I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door. oh, Peter. Just because Steven makes more money

It's my poop bucket. What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!

So, You went through all this trouble just to see your girl? I sure did. And I'm just a fat idiot. What's your excuse, you big chicken? Chicken? You take that back! Yeah? Make mE! I don't make monkeys, I train them. Ugh.

Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually.

Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff. Patrick? Patrick! Oh, crap! Guess we lost him. Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt...

Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's?

Gee, I don't know. I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex. Actually, I won't be a standup comic, I'll be more like an amorphous-blob comic. I gotta write that one down! Nonsense! I'll have the studio send a flatbed for you! See you at 8:00!

And now back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack." Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.

Oh! God. I miss Peter so much. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here.

Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging? ls somebody smoking in here?

It smells like old milk in there! Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.

You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink,

Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me. Oh, my God. Dad's a chick. I can't remember the last time we cuddled like this. I can't remember the last time I loved you so much!

Oh. Okay, Randall. I don't think that guy's right for her. Do you see the way he treats her? - What do you care? - Because I think I'm in love with her. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off. What are you talking about? I'm talking about my meat. Gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking it,

Oh, Brian. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's perfectly normal. No, i--i--I know. It's just, you know, I should be able to control my baser instincts. But... lately I've just been having these urges. Brian, Why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air'll help you relax. Mmm, I know where I go when I want to relax.

Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say?

There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct. Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff. Brian. Brian Steel. Oh! Good heavens! Man, your accent is sexy.

oh, Hi, Meg. Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair of us to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy? Oh, Completely. We totally reamed her. D-Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.

Yeah! I'm a bad guy! Yeah! Yeah! How about that, huh? Look at that! Look what I can do! Yeah! Out the butthole! Father, please! "Please"! You know what? You have nice manners.

Peter, what the hell is that? It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured, with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space. Why is it every time I open this door,

No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change.

Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly

I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'd almost forgotten what it's like to be romanced. Come on, Bonnie, we are leaving. What? Look, I'm doing you a favor. My stool will sleep alone tonight. Bonnie, this is insanity. Promise me you'll put this whole affair thing out of your head. Lois, I'm just having fun.

No, that'll only make things worse! Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM)

(PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved working with animals. Did you ever make it with one of the dogs? What? I mean, did you enjoy your appetizer? It hasn't come yet. Oh, I mean, did you ever make it with one of the dogs?

Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather... You have crappy judgment anyway. Oh, This is intolerable!

I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!

I think that's a beat we can all dance to. Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better. Hey, Brian, what do you say we sing Stewie some real music? Sounds good to me.

Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses. Hold your horses.

Attention, everyone, this is a twist tie. It comes with every loaf of bread. When we are done selecting our piece of bread, we use the tie to preserve... Oh, my God! (CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING) Who is that angel? That's Susie Swanson.

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class. I don't really want to be friends with him, but he knows a lot of chicks. And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE) Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs!

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. What's your problem? Papa Tom's being a jerk. At least he talks to you. He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks.

Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

Be as loud as you can. I want the kids to know we still got it. Oh, yeah!

Hey, Rush? Is it okay to hang out in here? All right, fine. Just don't say anything, okay?

I'm gonna tell you a secret, Lois. I had an affair once. (GASPS) You had an affair? Mmm-hmm. It wasn't anything sordid. Just some guys I met on the Internet. The point is, it's healthy to explore your sexuality. Oh, I don't know.

Okay, Lois. I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter! Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least! Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired. Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know, I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard,

Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!" Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? Peter, what are you doing here? Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. First I took an art class.

HEy, Hey! does this look like a "Q" to you? How about now? So, where is it that you need to go, my new honky friend? Rhode Island. That's not too far, is it? Nothing's too far away from Maxine, the cheating queen.

You guys? Oh, my God!

I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that when I set you up with her. Oh, I can't believe this.

Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard! Nothing. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Oh, My God, Peter, no! Lois, the bird must die!

Aw, Looks like somebody's hungry. All right!

Peter Griffin, Nielsen family. Listen, did I catch you at a good time, or are you and the critics busy yanking each other off right now? - Excuse me? - Look, your show is really boring. But don't worry, I got some ideas on how you can jazz it up.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom?

Why don't I go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner? Like when we were dating. That oughta take your mind off the guys. It already has. I wonder what the guys are up to? oh, That's nasty.

That's what you should have for breakfast Delicious Steak and eggs and eggs and steak Just making sure you heard I got it How do you think it works? I have no idea.

What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole.

Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift. The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Excuse me, do you mind if we switch seats so my family can sit all together? No, we don't... We don't switch. 'Cause when we booked, they didn't have three together. Ma'am, ma'am, your poor planning does not constitute an emergency for me. You'll see him in Paris. Go sit down. God, Meg's kidnappers could be anywhere in France by now.

- Oh, Ah, - AH! Left foot, RIght foot Left foot, right foot left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

So, we're terribly sorry we broke into your home, But we just had to get Stewie back somehow. well, That's a very long story. But we've grown attached to little Stewie. Plus, the law's on our side. Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE. Wait!

- PETER! - What?

MAMET: Hey, Tony. Oh, my God, that's David Mamet. There's the man of the evening. I read your play, An American Marriage. It was incredibly raw. I was pretty damn impressed. Oh, thank you, David. David, this is Brian. Brian, David. Oh, it's an honor.

The joke, of course, being that one wouldn't generally do that, were there a pillow available. Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir.

It appears you two have a genuine bond after all. Wow. So, we really were meant to be friends. I guess you were, yes. So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there?

Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this.

Okay. And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context. I don't know what that means. It means, if I die, you gotta burn my house down!

You're treating your vagina like a Red Roof Inn. That's not how it is, Stewie. She's doing something wonderful for a couple who can't have their own children and are too egotistical to adopt. You know what's interesting about Lois' vagina, Brian? Everyone in this room has been in there except for you. You're the only one who doesn't know what it looks like.

"I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes. "A man cannot steal, but it accuseth him "A man cannot swear, but it checks him "A man cannot lie with his neighbor's..." Hey, Peter, what you got there? Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do something fancy with my falcon. Oh, falcon. Cool. Hi, falcon.

Yes, Mrs. Griffin, how do you feel about those computer websites that put a blue square on the home of a sex offender?

Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right. Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Oh, All right. Then you'll love this one. Ok. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.

Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg.

lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went

- Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined.

Okay, just leave them on my desk. Okay, that works out fine for me. Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too. - What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know.

Right fine performance at the cricket match today.

A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me!

Honey, good news! I made partner!

(MOANING)

(ROARING)

Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it. (SCREAMING)

Dad, what are you doing? I'm, uh--ju-- Uh, keeping the couch fresh. Dad! It's ok, Meg. I understand what's going on here. I'm gonna go. oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava. I can't believe you guys!

So this is where babies come from? Yes, Chris. This is where babies come from.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Aw, did you guys just do the thing?

Let's get him! Throw him out! Wait! We can work this out! Jeez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic. Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?

Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found,

Come here, baby. Let's head upstairs and play hide-and-go-anal.

it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet. (CELL PHONE RINGING)

QUAGMIRE: That was the first time anybody ever used that. First time, I swear to God. Glenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy. I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake. Well, maybe it is. Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did. What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible!

(CHUCKLING) Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

And I have never been more turned on in my life.

Because Christmastime is killing us

Rupert! I told you to watch the bags!

It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose?

There's no way you're coming with me again. Fine, but without my advice, those kids are gonna be as hopeless as Liam Neeson when he tries to play an American cowboy. But, Montana, when will you be back? That's none of your concern. You gotta take care of the offspring. Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down to St. Louis on Mississippi.

And the Grammy for biggest posse goes to Ja Rule. What? No, Madonna. Posse. Posse.

(CHEERING) I don't know what the kids are complaining about. This ain't so bad. I know. This is fun. I haven't been to a pep rally in years. Do you have school spirit? Yeah! Do you have school spirit? Yeah! Who's got the most school spirit?

(SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? No. - Freeze tag? - No. - TV tag? - No.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here. Is rattle. This is prescription medication. And it's not even your name on the label. What is this? What's in this tub? - Is jicama. - Jicama?

- Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy! Peter Griffin, temporarily suspended C.P.R...

(BOTH SCREAMING) All right, this is good. In and out of this house and onto the next one. What about the reindeer? (GROWLING) Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards. Now let's get down the chimney.

(ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?

Hey, look what I found. Wow, authentic Native American remains. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site.

Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here!

Bye, unending conversation! Bye, terrible church people! Bye!

I'll bet it was just right. Look, I know sometimes I give you a hard time. You know, calling you names, reading your diary, farting in your cereal when you go to get milk and then laughing, "She doesn't know she's eating my fart". But, you know, Meg, I'm starting to realize I got a really wonderful daughter.

Okay. I'll meet you.

Where is it? Where is it? It's in there. Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this.

Oh! Ladybug. (SNAPS) (POPPING) (HORN BLOWS) (YELPS)

No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid. This gives me an idea.

Here, girl. Ah!

(SCREAMING)

Fine! Here's the truth! I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL.

How come you're still setting a place for Brian? Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts. I know you're thinking about him, too, Peter. Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me. Besides, we have a new pet. And we love our fluffy kitty.

(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House. You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh?

You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle.

"I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit.

Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt.

STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.

I could be like Hillary Clinton. Only, y'know without the penis.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Rupert wasn't kidnapped. I accidentally sold him at the yard sale. You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert?

(GASPS) Oh, Brian. You scared me. Another late night, huh? Yeah, Mayor West keeps me pretty busy. Yeah, I noticed. (GASPS) Where did you get that? Meg, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?

And who cares if he is, you know? Dick. Coming up, our horribly outdated scams reporter, Ken Redowski, gets angry about a product you don't care about. Digital bathroom scales! Thanks, Ken. This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School. Goat flu? You got to be kidding me.

BRIAN: Lois, I'd really like to talk about this. - No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay. Oh, my God, I attacked Lois!

Say, aren't you a little young to join the army? No, I have that, uh, Webster disease. Hey, is that the M9 double-action pistol? Sure is. Standard issue in the army. Where do I sign? Right here. Did I mention there's a $100 bonus if you sign up a buddy? Really? Well, I think I have a surprise for somebody.

(CRYING)

Just make sure you get her fast. Karina? Yes? You have a visitor. (AS KARINA) Who is it? (AS STEWIE) It's that nice girl, Julie, from your show. (AS KARINA) Oh, Julie! Did she say what she wanted? (AS STEWIE) Just go see for yourself, I'm not your secretary, Karina. (AS KARINA) Why are you so cruel to me? Is it because I'm the pretty one? The talented one? (AS STEWIE) Oh, for God's sakes.

GIRL: Mommy! Mama! All right, let's get this place cleaned up. All right, that's the last of the blood. Go check on the other kid. What other kid? Johnny, the one who's getting the bat. Stewie, there's only one bedroom up here.

Oh, my God, look at that body. Can't you just imagine her standing on people's front lawns inside a cut-in-half bathtub? You should go talk to her and see if she can talk. Uh, hi. I'm... I'm Joseph. Oh, hello. I'm Mary.

Look out for your mother! There's a sandwich on the counter, honey. Cleveland, these lobster traps aren't going to catch any intruders. Yes, they will. I baited them with these plump and tasty Fenway franks. Daddy, we got one! Daddy, we got one! Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in.

Oh, yeah. Those Ewoks had all of five minutes to get things prepared. I'm sure it's all gonna work out fine. (HORNS BLOWING) (SCREAMS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?

Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What? It's all on tape. What's all on tape? (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, that is gonna be on YouTube.

oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

All right! Come on now! This is damn foolish! My theme, my trophy! My aunt Fanny!

Are you the guy? I'm a guy. I want my drugs.

Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris! We gotta call the sheriff! Holy crap! I'm on it, Lois! Sheriff's Office.

You did it, Dan. My God, you did it!

Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God! Is this what you're looking for?

You know, maybe she wasn't dead. I'll admit it, I'm not great with that stuff sometimes. All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven?

Freshman? Freshman! I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.

No, no, Stewie, go away!

Peter, I really appreciate this, but are you sure people are ready? Absolutely, O.J. This party will give you a chance to get know everybody and give them a chance to get to know the real O.J. Simpson. Peter, do you really expect anyone to show up? Sure I do. Look, here comes a bunch of people. (PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium. Yeah, She's not getting it. Ok, boys, take her down.

Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do.

and we'll take a drink every time he says "bonerific". "Bonerific"? Yeah, it's his catch phrase.

- (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES)

The Force is strong with this one.

He does look like Ben Affleck. He looks just like Ben Affleck. - Is that Ben Affleck? - Hey.

Oh, absolutely. (SNAPS FINGER) I need you to run an errand for my friend, Peter.

Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that. Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!" Play or pass? We're gonna play.

and maybe he just needed to move on. If I were you, I'd look for a new friend. A kindred spirit, like Judas found in Pontius Pilate.

What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir!

Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob.

A sitcom about former major league pitchers Phil and Joe Niekro enjoying their retirement years. You'd call it Those Lazy Niekros. Kids, what is taking so long? Dinner's ready.

You understand me? Dirty, Dirty girl.

Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised.

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

(MICROWAVE DINGING) Would anyone like to try my gingbok?

We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks.

We can put you at the scene where she was killed. Hobey's right, Peter. It doesn't look good for you. Joe, you got this all wrong. Like God did, when he made Rosie O'Donnell. You can't put a vagina on this man.

Ding. Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT? I'm busy. Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you. I-I don't know if you remember, but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. AHh! Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT?

- What? - I'm just kidding. Oh. I'm still getting used to your sense of humor. Actually, there was a riot in the prison yard and I slipped over the fence. Well, quick, get in here before somebody sees you. Oh, Meg, I've wanted to do that for so long.

(GIGGLING) Get out of here, Quagmire! I just put on clean pants!

You know, Chris, if by some miracle, we do manage to get out of here alive, I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment.

Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me!

So I created a scenario in which everyone's memories were erased, to demonstrate that you and Peter would never naturally associate with one another. But I was wrong. It appears you two have a genuine bond after all.

Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero. See, This wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and... Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you? That's right! How'd you know? We've all been there. Cool! The bank is getting jacked! Officer, my husband's in there!

Peter, I was wondering if you could-- Shh. H-h-hang on-- Hang on a second, Lois And now back to The Life and times of Grizzly Adams. Um, Grizzly? Who's Steve?

I got you, you bastard! Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.

Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Bone dry. - There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry. I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached. What's all the commotion? Hey, there's one of them. Peter, look out!

Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

I'm sorry, Dad. I love you. I love you, too, Glenn. - Glenn? - Sorry, sorry. Damn thing can't tell the difference. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way,

But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg.

You see this, Rupert? Most children build a sand castle. But I'm building a sand retreat for singles in their thirties. (IN DEEP VOICE) Hi, I'm Jeremy. I work in corporate finance. (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hi, I'm a French Canadian girl down here on my vacation. It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own. I like the swimming pool with a bar in it,

You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers

Bravo!

(YAWNS) Sorry, I was out of it. Wait, are we being robbed?

I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Dad, do we have to... Ow! Don't cry! Don't cry! Game's over if you cry. (SLURRING) I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this. Peter, I think you may have had one too many. Maybe it's time to ease off, huh?

(ALL CLAPPING) (ALL CHEERING) Wow, I don't believe it! Hey, congratulations, buddy. You know, you're a lucky guy. The only thing I ever won was an extra day of summer. Okay, Peter, one more day. Yay! I saw what I look like in a car window, and now I don't want to go.

What the hell was that about? Who were those guys? I don't know, but I'll tell you this.

My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy.

What?

Loving... Loving family. Well, dig in, everyone! Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow!

And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces. What... What... Ahhh! Ahhh! Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's okay. It's morning.

My God, she's unappealing! Go! Who said that? Hmm? Who's got the big diapers? Huh? She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off. Hi, Stewie. Hi, um, Ah... Ugh.

Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer. Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's ass all day today.

And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you. There. Your turn. You're a monster. Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there?

Sweetheart, when will you be back? I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me. Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father.

I am proud to be an American, and I am going to love my country like never before.

But I...

Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS)

(SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

Whoa! I can see your skin cells! Oh, hey, I saw your picture on the cover of Scientific American. You looked great. Oh, Please! Where my eyes are, like, half-closed? God! Just take the damn compliment.

Oh, it's much nicer in here. I'm gonna float around for a while, then stick my needle in your shoulder fat while you sleep. I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid.

So who wants to come back to the hotel and take a whack at my genitals? Cool! Awesome! All right, we got a ball game. Hang on, girls. I'll get you a couple appletinis. This is going great, Frank. This club and these clothes, my God, there's nothing that can stop us.

Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem. What? What is it?

(PANTING)

Dad, I was wondering if I could borrow $17. Chris, what do you need money for? Isn't that why you have a paper route? No, this new kid named Kyle keeps stealing all my customers. Oh, that's terrible. You're a wonderful paper boy, Chris, and you need to remind your customers of that.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians. (ALL CLAMORING) Whoa! Whoa!

and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around. Get out of here! Okay, okay, you don't have to yell. Let us go find das vaginya. Listen to you! You don't know your own kids. That's the problem. It's not them, it's you. Me? Yes, you! And you know what? You've hurt your kids worse than any black hole could. Lois, you're overreacting.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive.

What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool!

What about the third Bronte sister? Oh, Emily, Wuthering Heights was truly splendid. Oh, no, Charlotte, Jane Eyre was so very brilliant. I made blood out me lady parts! Good for you. So we've all done something. It's happening now. Ah. It's a period joke. It's a period period joke.

Stop it, Meg. Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything.

Rock and roll! Why don't--Why don't you just sit in the corner, huh? Go on.

Ahem. "Now is the winter of our discontent "made glorious summer by this sun of York. "And all--"

I'm a monster!

That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this.

(WHIRRING) (MECHANICAL HOOTING) I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying. Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin. I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house. 413, 413... I think this is it, Chris.

Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

You know, every little interaction, every little moment is another scene captured by this camera. That's fascinating. Oh, yeah. - Brian. - Ida. Two more, please. So I finally tell them, "Hey, I came here to be at the seminar, not run it." (BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm no saint. I dated Jillian just to hurt you. It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out, like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends. Yeah, maybe.

Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one.

I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't.

"has affected my life in the following ways. "The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature.

Look, look, look, let me put it to you this way. I'm attracted to you in the way that a man is attracted to a woman, but I'm not gay.

My God.

I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop? Use the rubber stoppers on the front. Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind!

Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel

I most certainly am.

and that's why you sound like that? No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this. And, Consuela, he... Actually, I can't read his handwriting here. What happened? One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face.

Recall room, Brian. Nothing works in here. Now come on! Rupert's in trouble! Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. (BARKING) Almost there. You can do this, Stewie.

Hey, kids! Who likes McBurgertown burgers? I do! There was more to my question! (CRYING) We're still ironing that one out.

What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?

James Woods. Hello, Peter. I've been expecting you. You stole my credit card, you son of a bitch. What did I ever do to you? That's a good question, Peter. What did you ever do to me? What did you ever do to James Woods?

Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control. I mean, what if she develops a coke problem? No Coke. Pepsi. Come on, you set me up for that one.

Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven? If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer. I didn't kill anybody! (THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM)

(STEWIE SCOFFING) Yeah, like, a thousand times. Just done it so much, I'm bored with it, that's all. All right, I guess we're doing this. Whoa. BOY: Come on down, Stewie! (HAWKS SCREAMING)

Ho! Ho! Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one. Yeah, Next one's coming for your head! Oh, no! No! Help! oh Help! What the hell? Now is the winter of your discontent!

On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty. Yes! Good call. Churn the butter. Oo-woo! Oo-woo! In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service.

Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune. Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention. Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin.

A card? Look, it's one of those cards where you can record your own message. Come on! Open it up. CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

I submitted it under a pseudonym. They think it was written by Tony Dovolani. I thought your pseudonym was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower. That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car. New York Theater League? Why? Because they're throwing a welcome dinner in my honor. Really?

So do we have a deal? Let's shake on it.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHING) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself... (SHOUTING) I'm here at the parking lot outside city hall, where hundreds of citizens have come out in protest of the Mayor's decision to spend the town's treasury on a gold frog.

mmm. Who would think that a woman with such beauty would have the culinary skills of Emeril Lagasse? Oh, well Thank you. Ha! Ha! Bam!

I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again. Good, go. And who's even going to miss you? You're just a little thief. Where you going, Chris? Who are you going to turn to? You don't even have any friends. (RINGS DOORBELL) Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you?

That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night.

You may start your exams now. - Well, how'd you do? - I failed. - What? You failed? - Yup. Well, then what the hell are you smiling for?

I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie!

How could you do that? Coward! Traitor!

Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

and I want you to stop it. Mom! What is it, Meg? Mom, tell Dad to leave me alone. I'm 18, and he keeps treating me like a kid.

What am I supposed to do? If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche.

Terrible thing? What terrible thing? Well, like I said, I changed my mind. I didn't do it. But, um... I was kind of gonna roofie you. What? What is wrong with you? And, Kent, I owe you an apology, too. I lied when I told you that Chris wanted to sleep with you.

Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year. Congratulations on 2nd place, Lois. Oh, Lois, thank God it's you! The last 3 houses I went to were very rude. Have you been drinking? Why, yes I have. Thank you.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

So you're saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle 51 years before he was born. Yeah. He's Jesus. He can do anything. And look over herE.

Well, that sucks.

Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS. Don't go in there! Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah! Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms!

I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife? Yes. Yes, I will. Earth angel, earth angel

I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding. And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it.

Be cool, be quiet, be quiet. All right, well, nothing to worry about. Chris is going to be just fine.

Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex? No! But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact?

What? I said you don't have that. - Hey, buddy, you're not looking so good. - Who cares how I look? Nothing matters. We could all die tomorrow, every one of us. Well, isn't that a damn good reason to live it up today? - Come on, it can't possibly be that simple. - Excuse me. I got a thing to do.

Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later.

Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father." Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong.

Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you. That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town. Oh, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.

10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

No! No pictures at all! I think we should go. Yes. This is a dark and evil place. - I say, Caruthers. - Hmm? Do you know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing. Hmm, Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh.

How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store.

So, we really were meant to be friends.

Look, I don't know if being Jewish is the right thing for our family. I just wanted the chance to explore it so I could know for sure. But to tell you the truth, I thought we were fine before. But then, Jesus, which religion should our family be? Six of one, they're all complete horseshit. BRIAN: Thank you!

The only way to find out is to check the family records. Breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house. This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!

(SIGHING) Ring, ring. Aren't you gonna pick it up? No, I'm not gonna pick it up on the first few rings. I'm busy. Maybe I'm in the other room. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. - Ring. Oh, come on. - Hello.

It's a pheasant! A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell!

From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else. (TIRES SCREECHING)

And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me? But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan." Oh! Oh, right. O-Ok, here's my idea. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it!

Erased!

Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.

He's an Indian, all right. How do you know? I can tell. Oh, You think everyone's an Indian. He could just be another mooch trying to get A cut of our profits. Maybe we can put him through some sort of test. Like a really impossible stunt to prove he's the real deal. Way to think outside the box, Frank.

"Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh!

(CLUCKS) (PETER SCREAMING) (GROANING)

Here's a bunch of words in a row.

Each jingle bell is a requiem knell And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell Because Christmastime is killing us

It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this. Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture? Let me go, man! Tell me, how old are you, Charlie?

CHOIR: There was a man He dropped out Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

I don't know what seven of those words were.

- Ring. Oh, come on. - Hello. - Stewie? - No. This is Stewie's housekeeper, Mrs. Pennyapple. I'll see if he's in. Stewie. Stewie. Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple?

(IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

You know, Brian, sometimes

There it is, kids. Columbus, Ohio. Now, remember, there are no rules about who can wear stretch pants here, so you're going to see some pretty shocking things. Brian, is this our vacation? Yeah. Oh. Are we trash?

Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs.

Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Well, it wasn't me! Ah! Ah! Like this, listen to me

Yeah, he is. And his parents are so sweet. Met his parents and they're sweet. Just older Daves, huh? (LAUGHS) What a family. God, it's good to see you.

Huh. Must've got the wrong hat. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too!

That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.

"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight! - Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then.

Lois, am I glad to see you.

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball! (Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson.

Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning. Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?

Oh, my God. Dad's a chick.

Back to you, Tom. Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this. Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture? Let me go, man! Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady.

Hey, Mort. Now that the end of the world is here, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh? (ELECTRICITY SURGING) (GROANS) Psych! (LAUGHS) Embedded in the hand. Yeah, you see, it fits in there 'cause there's a hole in it. Have fun where you're going.

Oh. My problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her? Oh, so what?

Boy, it sure is nice having Mr. Quagmire's cat around. I got to say, cats are so much better than dogs. Well, that's kind of a broad statement. It's true. Okay, show me one way in which cats are better than dogs. Well, okay, uh, for one thing, they always land on their feet. Watch.

Loretta, they have some of that 3-bean salad you're so fond of. Hey, Quagmire.

Oh, my God!

Is there something wrong with the Smucker's?

We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.

Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskis. You know. Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man.

Laugh and cry

Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)

Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon. Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another PETER: REO Speedwagon saved us several stops,

Okay, Brian, I'm here. Show me whatever it is you want to show me. All right, Lois. I'm going to prove that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzzwords, anyone can appear to be psychic. Even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this.

We are going to have to send that family money. I know we are. Mom, I'm hungry. Can we stop and get some food? Well, I guess it is close to dinner time. Chris, Stewie, you hungry? (YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose? What? Yeah, exactly. "What?"

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore! Oh, He's terrible! But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies. RosebuD.

Merry Christmas, buddy. Ha! Wonder what this could be? Oh. This Christmas rocks! Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts.

Brian, what the hell? Uh, hey, Lois. (GASPS) The jig's up, Brian! Run!

There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!

Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40. (MEG SCREAMING) Meg, come back here. I meant sex.

Damn! I was two days from retirement. R2? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. All right, now what do I click? Click "preferences." Okay, I clicked "preferences." Now go to "default media browser."

(SIREN WAILING) All right, you got my catchphrases for me? I just want you to know this was a huge pain in the ass. "Peter's new catchphrases, by Carter Pewterschmidt." Title's all business. I like that.

Ahh! ahh!

Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING) (BREATHING NOISILY) Brian, have you seen... Whoa, what the hell happened to you? (MUFFLED TALKING) Easy, easy, man, easy.

We're all gonna miss you, Dad! More than you know!

This is nice. This is very nice, the time that we're spending together right now. Easy, Joe.

- What? - You can't be serious.

I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter. One of us is gonna win that paid vacation. I don't want to feed Grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub. Peter, are you ok?

(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right!

G.I. Joe! Peter, we can't afford this.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.

CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this. Boo-hoo! You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter. Oh, my God.

(PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again! You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing. I mean, bullying makes you feel pretty cool. Yeah. I guess it was kind of cool. You know, I always used to be the nerd getting bullied,

Son, you have my word, I am not gay.

Peter, what's going on? Is it true? Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy? Hi, Lois. Hi. Look, Lois, we were just trying to help Mort. Peter, how could you do this? You have a family. Did you ever stop to think about us before you did something that could send you away to prison? (SIGHS) For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

Come on. You're worrying about nothing. Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

(STAMMERING) I don't need this. I'm out of here. (SIGHING) Look what you did, Peter. I can't help it. I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit. Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango & Cash. So just Pay ft Forward

Carol, I wanna make this a night you'll never forget.

Can't touch me Can't touch me What in God's name is he doing? Can't touch me I believe that's the Worm. Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt Light a fire and pee it out

Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing. (CHUCKLING) Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it, it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic.

See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up! How do we get up there? Dad put grease on the pole. Don't worry, Meg. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You simply have to counter-balance the weight at the point where the lever pivots. Like so.

Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street? They're all here for your surprise party, Meg. Peter, for God's sake, you idiot! We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!"

How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what he offered? I think the whole thing was very strange. He thought you were strange! How about that? Whatever. I just can't help but wonder. Will I ever see him again?

My God! Isn't it amazing that that's what we all look like on the inside? It's a robot, you idiot. Who are you? I'm Salty. Salty? But everybody said you were killed by that fish. That's what I wanted them to think.

Well, Peter. It sounds like you should go out and co-mingle amongst your newly-found brethren. You know, absorb the culture. Wheelie timE! You know, You're right, Cleveland. I--I should be hanging around more black people like myself. Thanks.

(LAUGHS) Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie. Blades of Glory. "Kick some ice." Entrapment. "The trap is set." RV. "On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream." Philadelphia. "Poop chute lawsuit." I don't remember that one. That one doesn't sound real. MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson,

Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex? Hmm... (EXCLAIMING)

HERBERT: Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. My sister Regina-D2 lives here. Is she single? She's a lez-bot.

Boy, I can't wait to lay into that recruiter. Yes, you'll be about as effective as the Wizard of Oz was at granting wishes.

I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

who isn't as good- looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it! And so is Meg! Let's go get her back! SO gRiffins, What can I do for you? I'll tell you what you can do. You Fire that sexy, interesting version of our daughter and make us a family again, or we walk! Fire her? She's the highest testing character on the show.

and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids. Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie?

(BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

Oh, hey, Brian, back from a hot booty call with your idiot girlfriend. You know, think what you want, but you don't see the side of Jillian that I do. Face it, Brian, she is dumber than a Boston-area book report.

oh! The baby's kicking. Want to feel? Sure. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid! Peter! Oh, I love this time of yeaR. Me, too. The summer tourists are gone. And We finally have the town to ourselves, before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole plaCe.

Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks! It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig. - Three tracks! - Come on! - We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but... That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track! There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad.

Hey, What the hell are you doing in my house? Your house? This is my house. My wife and I bought it from the bank. But i--I still got another day to pay back the loan. The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat deadbeat loser. Fat deadbeat loser? Well, Sir, While I may not agree with what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Giggity. Giggity. (MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!

Giggity Giggity Giggity!

Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here, and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right. Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good. Can we get some salami and... Brian, Brian, let me handle this.

All right, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies, it's that the ex-wife always falls in love with her husband again after he befriends a little kid. Okay. And the kid needs to be really cute, so I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. (DOORBELL CHIMES) There's the cute little guy now. Hang on. Oh, my God! What happened to you!

Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? Gay marriage? Oh, come on, two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.

Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it! You're crazy man. You're so crazy. (TIRES SCREECHING) (PLAYING VIDEO GAME) I thought I told you to clean up in here? And why aren't you dressed? We're supposed to have dinner with Judge Maynard and Timmy.

Peter, Don't throw out Brian's things. It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. He just needs to find himself. He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times! Here it comes, buddy!

- Guess what? I'm a witch. - Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan.

Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe. But you can't leave now. You're a natural leader and we... Hey. Did you guys order some ice? 'Cause I got a bag of ice here.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynecologist. Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. Ew! It looks like a sad, old man. Hey, check it out, you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo.

Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal. My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore. And, by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.

- (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you!

Vote for me. LOis! Lois!

For the love of Christ, they're still in the sleigh!

My son here's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed. And all I gotta do is paint!

What the-- AHh! Hello, little sea monkeys. He's back. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. Steve, do something. Brenda We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle.

Babs, come over here and say hi to Bill Gates. Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates. Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt. Well, this is a quaint little party you guys are throwing. Hey, Bill, would you help me program my Zune? Oh, wait, I have an iPod, like the rest of the world. Why, you... (GRUNTING) (GROANS)

Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns. Is that a baby? Oh, my God! That's Stewie!

Hey, Quagmire. What you got there? It's the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Check it out. Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to. I've been spoiled by Internet porn. - It's true. - Totally.

Can I help you? Not illegal. Not illegal. Show me the law. Not illegal. Hey, Joe, look, I know you're down about this Briggs thing, and that kind of bums me out, so I got you this Cookie Puss.

I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5. It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh!

Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Sorry, Lois.

You sold me out. I could use a man like you. How's A million a year sound? You disgust me! Get out of my face!

Oh, no! - Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

There. That's more like it. You idiot! Well, learn my birthday, asshole!

Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina. Karina Smirnoff. Brian. Brian Steel. Oh! Good heavens! Man, your accent is sexy. This is all moving very quickly. I'm afraid I'm a little light-headed. You must think I'm a fool. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on too strong.

It's obeying all the rules!

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.

(BOTH GASP) I can't believe you got a new dog. What about me? Hey, you're still my buddy. New Brian is just a new friend for the family. Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor.

You know that would never work again in a million years. Don't need it to, Brian. That stripper has a rash on her ass just like Anna Lee used to get. Yeah. And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap just like Anna Lee used to do. I guess.

And I know just who to talk to.

Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us! Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here! No one's out there, Brian. They would have come in. Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What? It's all on tape.

He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch.

So, how's school? Oh, good, thanks.

And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)

Am I... Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. Am I... Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music. Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. But then I realized that this is it.

Fine! I'll just hang out with James Woods. Well, Peter, thanks for lunch. - Guess I'll be heading back to old L.A. now. - You're leaving? Oh, man, I thought maybe you could stick around... and, you know, maybe you and me could be pals.

Sir, I need a decision. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Salad. No--No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late. And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away.

Brian, Frank, meet Dakota and New Bedford. Hey, how's it hanging, Dakota? What's up, New Bedford? You look like rappers, but you're not black, so that's the perfect amount of danger. Oh, God. Hey, listen, you guys get to know each other. Looks like my doorman let another gazelle in here.

No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

Oh. Hey. This is the week you guys were coming up? Huh.

No? Okay, well, maybe next week.

Oh, ha-ha!

I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian.

Knock, knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (SCREAMING) I love the time we've spent together, you know that? Hey, Kathy, guess what? I'm out.

Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? Oh, You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse. Meg, let me tell you about popularity. Mrs. Canner? Are you coming? Bye! Ugh. Daddy, if you really loved me,

I just... I--I can't take it anymore. He's driving me crazy. Take it easy, honey.

And after what I went through with Diane Simmons, well, let me just say it's nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me. Yeah, no, you're fine. Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say. You know, it's my first anchoring job, and I'm trying to make a good impression.

I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much. Please turn to hymn number 487. (ORGAN PLAYING)

Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, trying to get back on my feet after having my ass handed to me by my bitch of an ex-wife.

And you know nothing of my work.

Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away

WOMAN: Hey, I just drank a beer! Who wants to do me? - MAN 1: I do! - MAN 2: Me too! MAN 3: I just did you, but I'll go again! I got to go. Can you believe the way Jesus is treating me? I thought he was my friend. Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter. I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus.

But my sister, Mary, shot herself in the face, and that's when I decided that she would live on through me. For I am not who you think I am. I am not little Mary Sunflower, daughter of Bradley and Theresa Sunflower. No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower!

Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! Ahh! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wET. - Hey, knock it off. - meow.

Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time! Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry.

Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there? No. There must be something wrong with you. - Really? - Yeah. I've never had that problem and I don't know any woman who has. Hey, look at this. Fox News is looking for a replacement for Rhonda Latimer.

I'm sure it's probably justified, but I'm begging you, don't punish the children for it. They're innocent in all this. Innocent, are they? I found this in Eli's corn hole! Well, I... His what? A compartment in Eli's room where he stores his corn. Oh. Well, okay, whatever you say. Look, Ezekiel, we would love to go back to the city, believe me.

Smells like cheese. Ok. "Insert Rod Support 'A' into Slot 'B.'" That's what-- And if you say "That's what she said," one more time, I'm gonna pop you. What you building there, neighbor? Well, We were keeping it a secret, but you guys are my best friends, so I'll tell you. Lois and I are having another baby!

No, that's pretty much it Handiquacks And they never got their soda Why won't this card house stay up? Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought.

What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face?

Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman.

Hey, New Brian. You have a guitar! Yep. In fact, I wrote a new song today. And I want to hear what you think of it. Where did you find the time for that? Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl. Oh, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know? They haven't turned into bitches yet. (SIGHS) It's true. What happened to all of us?

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father. A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmm, ooh, That is good. Mmm, oh, I feel stronger already. Mmm, oh, It's good tasting and good for you. Mmm.

Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night? That's the last of 'em!

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.

Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there.

WaiT--wait-wait. Wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today? He ain't real. He dead. What? I say he dead.

You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island. Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know.

Ok. I got the whole day planned. First, we see the primates. Then the butterfly house. Then a bathroom break. Then we'll-- Aw, Come on, Lois. Can't we all just run around in a disorganized fashion? Yeah! Let it go, LoIS! Monkeys throw their poop! No. If we don't adhere to a strict schedule, we won't see everything. Kids, gas masks.

My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea. (FARTING) PETER: Brown house.

ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look.

Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment. I tried to call! I can't get through.

Hey. Hey, you know what we should do, guys, - while we're here tied up like this? - What? We should come up with a totally bogus rumor about a celebrity. And then when we get out of here, we'll spread it around as much as we can. That sounds like fun! Actually, that does sound like fun. What'd you have in mind? Uh... Okay, okay, how about this? Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider?

Yeah, he came to my house when he found out I was a Nielsen family. Asked what I wanted to see. Hey, hey, you know what would be cool? If he did the news with a family of prairie dogs, and whenever he said something sad, they'd pop their heads up, all concerned. Peter, you sure that's such a good idea? People rely on the local news to provide them with several stories a year on how saltwater taffy is made.

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.

And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. Really? I don't know. I'm just bored. A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God! (DOOR BELL RINGS) Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. (EXCLAIMS) Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing.

No, that's not it, Griffin. There's... There's something different about you. You're not wearing glasses. Yeah, they got busted. I'm wearing contacts. I can see your eyes and your eyelashes! They're beautiful! Who cares? What gives?

Oh, Todd, I feel like we'll never have a baby of our own! We will, Kelly. You just have to visualize it. Come on, close your eyes. Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play. Now put him in a magic bubble and release him to the universe. (STEWIE SCREAMING)

Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING) Squeeze, squeeze.

In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there. Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this. It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall. BRIAN: I have very good hearing!

Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful. you aren't nervous about meeting Daddy are you? Oh, You'll know when I'm nervous. Lois? Now. Lois, take the rap for this. I only get one chance to make a first impression. Hi, Daddy. That was me. And this is Peter. Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

We got to send that thing back right away. Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this. Our top story, Channel Five news anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club. Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food.

Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off? It's a pleasure, Peter. My daughter is quite taken with you. And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at this, huh? Show us front and back there, Lois. Yeah, Don't think I don't know where that comes from. That's some world-class juice you got brewing in the old flesh balloon down there, Carter. Huh? Huh?

Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great.

No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid.

(CHEERING) You're letting me be myself!

you have to put your nose in Meg's hat and take an eight-second inhale. Okay, and if I win, you have to go online and download that footage of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, and you have to forward it to all your friends with the message, "Oh, my God, look what I just found online! "Isn't this the funniest thing you've ever seen?" - So, is it a bet? - Yeah, fine. - Kiss on it? Oh! - What?

We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth. God created everything, and the world is getting colder. What is your tax plan? That's odd. What?

Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage?

Oh, come on! You planted that there! We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high? You boys are in a lot of trouble. Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols. Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession. Descriptions. One African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome. Yes.

(FAST-FORWARDING) And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so... This is just, like, logistical stuff. I'll check that later. ...Joey Lawrence haircut. So, I'll assume we can count on your help to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan.

Man, I love Cheese Nips. It's a snack and a racial slur.

Think about that while I get myself a drink. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah! Ah! It's right up here past this clearing.

I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it. Now, you.

Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can just up and run away, you crazy. I like to eat people from other planets. Especially y'all. I likes to eat you with my little mouth, too. Now, y'all get back up inside me, little mouth. I wants to play, too. Get back inside!

due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

Good morning, Mrs. Griffin. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Just kidding. So, uh, any problems? No. Everything's fine, Doctor. Lois? Oh, Hello, Alexis. Heard you might not enter the competition this year.

Oh, I beg to diffeR. You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay!

No, but, actually, you know what? I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? Hispanic from Spain? No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die? All right, I got another one.

Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Boy, I hope Lois is watching.

Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can.

Just a few moments of your time. Hang on. Let me just get this little guy assembled. (HUMMING) So where you from? Newburyport. What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe. All right, I think we're all set here.

Oh, okay, then where are you going now? (STAMMERING) Well, I have a very important mission. Uh-huh. Let me see that panel. No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob. I'm gonna tell Mom. (MACHINE ZAPPING) (GRUNTING)

Frosty, let it go!

Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend... Jerome? Loose Lois?

Wait, you managed to hunt down eight dogs that were born years ago on a farm in Texas, and you can't manage to get Hannah Montana tickets? That's what I said.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.

We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Oh, God! (COUGHING) Okay, you ready? Okay. (BREATHING DEEPLY) (EXCLAIMS) Don't do it right here! I don't want to watch! What? Take it over there. Do it in the corner. - It's gross! - It's your poop!

What do you think he whispered to her? I'll bet it was just right. Look, I know sometimes I give you a hard time. You know, calling you names, reading your diary, farting in your cereal when you go to get milk and then laughing, "She doesn't know she's eating my fart".

Sometimes we all need to forgive! I stole $10 from Meg's room! I stole $10 from Mom's purse! I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years. Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one.

Now, watch carefully, you guys. Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it. You gotta da hot links? Come on, the Pope-a want-a da hot links. (GRUNTS)

And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince? (SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay.

Oh, I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer. Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am. (LAUGHING) Yes, Officer. - You are such a dirty cop. - Don't break those yolks, ma'am.

God, I've looked forward to this moment more than the second coming of Jesus. Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and... Hey, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

He's gross. (CHILDREN LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS) Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself. Look at me sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet. I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read. Hey, Lois, what's this word? "Evel." And this one? "Kneivel." - And this one? - "Was." And this one? "Born."

What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called nunya business.

(GROANS) If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off!

- You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you. You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look? - $10. - $5. $8 and I'll do it. Fine. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!

All right, this is the address that was in his wallet. Yeah, but how are we gonna know for sure if these are the guys who took Meg? Well, we have the kidnapper's voice on tape, remember? MAN: Drakkar Noir. I can use the voice recognition software in this recorder to confirm a match. Now, here. Take this briefcase. We're Eastern European cologne salesmen.

aah! Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

ahh!

(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

And what's that little rubber mailman you got behind there? Oh, you like that, huh? Yeah, does that thing squeak?

The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

It's great to see so many regular people out here. Folks who are tired of big government and are ready to stand up for their rights. - MAN 1: Yeah! - MAN 2: Down with the Spend-o-crats! PETER: We are Marshall! And now, it's my privilege to introduce another regular, blue-collar guy, our Quahog chapter spokesman, Joe Workingman!

But I don't know. Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown.

Colonel, the British are too entrenched across the river. I've told the men we'll hold our position. Negative. Tell the men we're going across. But Colonel Goatbanger, we've... No, we need to do this, 'cause... For... 'Cause of... For strategy.

Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God.

I became the very thing I set out to destroy. Hooray, I'm mayor again! Don't we need to have a whole new election? There. Now no one will have heard him say that. We all heard him say it. Anybody else hear anything?

(BEEPING) Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane.

Come, come. You, heat up some gravy for our guest! My last helping of white meat was drier than Oscar Wilde. ew, How did you do that? Oh, wEll, uH, Let's just say, when I was younger,

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me .when you grow up big and strong like your father.

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is! I don't know. I lost it. Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth.

If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little-- Let's go, Meg.

Hurry up!

Guess who? Stop it, Chris. Wrong! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, Wait. Did you say "Chris"? Stewie, time for breakfast! Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy? What the devil are you talking about? Handsome? I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody- active freak!

Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC. (SHUSHING) Lois, Lois, let's watch The Brady Bunch.

I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.

Nerd! Randy!

(BEEPING)

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

That's your butt-hole

Into the great wide open

Welcome back, Fargas. Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth! No, No, Lois. The janitor'll do that. tom, I'm getting word that the quahog School Board has just dismissed Randall Fargas, effectively ending his 32-year teaching career.

I blame the schools.

And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

(WHISPERING) You may now kiss the bride. (LIGHTLY APPLAUDING) If that's the box with the computer, you can put it in the den. Come on, honey, push. (WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING) Hey, what the hell's goin' on? I told you to rough up that dog and baby.

Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record! Tonight's top story, local record-shop employee, Jesus Christ,

Oh, my God. Your face. Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox. Come on, we got to get you out of here.

Hey, what's eating you? Grown-ups. Yeah, grown-ups suck. Why do they get to make all the rules? I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight. (LAUGHING) Stop! That tickles. Timmy, there you are!

I do this for you, and I have your permission to think about you later tonight when I'm in the tub. Fine, Neil. Awesome! I might even go leftie tonight, stranger in the tub.

(GARBLED SINGING) ...the fields of gold Hey, buck up there, sport. At least you gave it your all.

Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional! I still don't get it. I'm 5. Bang, bang, boom, boom! Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational! Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going.

Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Oh, Shut up, you egotistical jerk! You shut up, you sap-bellied strumpet! Blimp-headed jackass! Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant! Thank goodness I've got you

Give him the ring, Lois, I swear to God, I'll cut your finger off. Oh, you beast! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs. I shall miss you, too, sir. PETER: With no one to look after, Carstairs fell into a deep depression from which he never emerged. He died two weeks later. Some say of a broken heart. What, sir? But that was Carstairs.

Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending three movies walking there?

Oh! God blast it! Would you hold it for 5 seconds?

PETER: Well, I am ready for my evening. Oh, my God! Peter, what the hell? Peter, what are you doing? PETER: Surely, Jerome, you don't want to stay in the same house as a ghost who carries a torch around? (IMITATING A GHOST) Fire ghost! You scared yet? Didn't know this place was haunted, did you?

You want a sandwich full of knuckles? Do you? All right, that's it. Cleveland, you take Cleveland. Joe, you take Joe. Quagmire, you take Quagmire, and I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth. It's no use, Peter.

Let's burn this chick at the stake. I love steak! Other girls don't. I'm actually more like a dude. Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in. Peter, this is ridiculous. It's time for you to come home.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, Lois. Hi, Glenn. We just thought we'd come by and see how Peter was doing. Yeah, has he gotten any better? I'm afraid not. He's still only speaking gibberish. Yeah, and we could live without the semen throwing, I'll tell you that. I don't know what else to do. We've tried everything to bring the old Peter back,

Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady. - Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah. - Can you move your legs? - Yeah! Oh, good. I thought you were gonna be a vegetable, and I gotta tell you, Peter, I just don't think I have it in me. I mean, if you can't move, it's over.

Swanson, what the hell's going on in here? I'm sorry, Chief. I just can't let them bulldoze this building. Hey, Joe, is this the same chief whose wife is a real hog? Swanson, don't be a fool. You really want to throw away your career on this?

Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you! This one's my favorite ornament. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas. Yeah, it was probably very moving and fictional. Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need?

thanks to this reenactment by the Quahog Opera Company. I love you, Nicole, but I must confess To some trepidation for I am a lonely waiter

MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive!

Starts with a screwdriver. Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman. Jeez, Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.

Do I have-- Do I have something on my face? What? What? Right here? What? Boys, I'm just wearing my regular glasses. I always wear these. MAN: That is crazy. Hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, he got it. He got it over there. The little guy got it. Who is that guy? I've never seen him around here before. How's it going, chief?

ahh!

In fact, I've been helping him study every night this week. Really? Well, that's great. Enjoy your show, boys. You bet we will. Tonight, Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore. Hey, Dad, when you said, "Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me? Because if you were, I think you just lied to mom.

- Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade? - Not me. What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter. (GLASS SHATTERING) Hey.

so I convinced this minister to do the job, but the joke's on Nathan Lane, 'cause gay people can't get married!

Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day.

Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast. You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here. Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back.

Uh, Good. Kevin walked me home. Kevin? He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands.

This is amazing. You've got the biggest hut in the village and all these servants... and you've only spent $1.50. That's a hell ofa lot less than I had to spend... to go see that piece-of-crap remake of Bewitched. - Guess what? I'm a witch. - Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan.

Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What?

Joe, I think you're cool. Well, thank you, Brian.

Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes. Hmm, Let's just let him rest.

Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington,

Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men.

The grease burns so bad! I can't hear! Boy, I am late for that meeting. (GROANS) Come on, math, you dick.

You're crazy. No, I'm not gonna buy this house with you. Fine. I'll just give the profits to another investor. Plenty of others interested. Oh, yeah? Like who? Mort Goldman for one. Says it's a smart investment. But what does he know? He's only Jewish. - All right, I'm in. - Perfect! By Christmas, you and I are gonna be richer than Bob Saget.

Whoa! What do we have here? A fully formed beehive! Must have taken months to build that guy. Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS)

(BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.

Or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done. Oh, no. that's just... My husband's the same way. So's mine. Wow, this place is full of dead pigeons. I'm gonna go grab some ozone. Hey! Peter! There's a king in the cards!

(GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You is the phone lady... You cheated on me!

the kind of talk that seemed important until you discover girls. This House Un-American Activities Committee is a travesty. And if we go into French Indochina, it'll take us 30 years to get out. Levittown-type housing communities will replace individualism with fear and conformity. What do you think of that new kid at school, Marty McFly?

Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry. Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it. Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please.

All right. You, kill him. What? Kill him. Take this knife and stab him in the mouth. No, please! Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face. Please! I've had it up to here with Ewoks. Now, stab him and wear his face! And then go home to his family still wearing his face, and see how long it takes them to figure out that it's you and not him. Hold it right there!

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

Windy nights and sad sights Won 't go a way But f wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere

Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right?

Oh, my!

She wore a mask. Don't you get it? If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)

Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids.

Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw?

What the deuce? Why the hell would she respond positively to such a negative comment? Unless... Brian, do women like it when you treat them like crap? Well, I don't know if you want to be that black and white about it. That's it, isn't it? Women respond when you treat them like crap.

"A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good."

Are you out of your mind? You can't sell me, you fat son ofa bitch! Whoa! Careful getting this fish off the hook, Mort. She's got some fangs.

Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker. I'm coming.

Ah. Look at this. The tip of the Earth, Brian. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus. All right, let's go. Well, this is rather festive, isn't it? Small.

This is a good day.

let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse.

Get out! Get out! Scat! This is more like it. Oh, my love... (NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING) Is the music okay? Actually, would you mind tuning it to 97.1?

(PHONE RINGING) Hello. Oh, hi, Dr. Hartman. All right. I'll tell him. Thanks. Bye. You don't have cancer. You're going to be fine. Really? Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway.

QUAGMIRE: No! (BREATHES DEEPLY)

Everyone, we need to discuss our problem with Chris. His little habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand. I mean, look at this.

This is it, Brian. What's that? It's how I got the pig. You ever heard of the Multiverse Theory, Brian? Of course I have, but I'm wondering if you have. Oh, my God! So transparent. Well, the theory states that there are an infinite number of universes coexisting with ours on parallel dimensional planes. Dimensional planes, right.

Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir,

I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS

(BOTH GROANING) I caught this piece. Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right? I don't know. I actually just had elbow surgery.

- Give you $1 for this. - Sold. Brian, where's Rupert? I just left him here to watch my things. Uh-oh. What? Nothing, I haven't seen him. It's not like him to wander off. Rupert? Rupert! Oh, no.

Excellent, excellent! Hello.

Um, no. Okay, initial, please. And finally, my date of birth. Was it yesterday? It must be awkward in a huddle knowing one of these guys is gonna be an NBA millionaire and the rest are just gonna be weird tall guys.

(WHISPERING) Maybe if she spent some time on the treadmill, and I was drunk. (BOTH LAUGHING) I wouldn't, either. I don't think any of this stuff is right for me, Dad.

"Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.

Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother,

(GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done. You can't just break the law.

Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler did after he wrote Mein Kampf. Well, we read it and we don't like it. (SIGHS) We love it! (BOTH LAUGHING) You got me!

Aw, Crap. I made a mistake. Do you have another gun?

All right. I made a touchdown.

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it. Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking.

You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! All right. Well, here's a little something in return. Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

Hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons? Shut up!

Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

That'll be enough of that, lad. How about Eileen? Ringo got it. Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one. Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad. Yeah. No, let's keep going.

Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister.

Oh, wait, wait. It was John Belushi. That's who I wanted. Peter, how could you... Way ahead of you, Brian. My mistake. I'll take care of this. Hey, Jim, come out in the yard, will you? Sure thing, Vern. (GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian!

"I thought you were a housecat." Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice. Mine just says, "Dear Lois"

We 're moving closer to the shore llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore

so, you know, I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio... so the quality is kind of sucky... but, you know, all the songs describe my feelings. I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while.

Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours?

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Hi, Chris.

David Schwimmer? Yeah, hey. What are you gonna ask the don for? World peace. Number 34! 3-4! Right here! Peter, my good friend.

Well, I suppose that makes sense. I guess it could take Peter a long time to find a job in this economy. Well, it may not be that bad, Lois. I could see about getting back my old job as a police sketch artist. Now, did you get a look at the man who assaulted you? I did. Okay, can I get a description? Yeah, he was probably around 5'9", 5'10"? Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"?

Ahh! Fine. I'll let them go. Pearl, do you rent or own? Own what? Those wings, you angel.

Hi, Carl. Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? Are you, like, a bitch or something? No, I have friends. Oh. Well, you should bring some of them in here. - Any of them have braces? - Yeah. I love braces. My mom has them.

Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger? (BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. Didn't you unlock the door when we left? No, you were the last one out! How the hell are we gonna get back inside? All right, find a rock.

That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!

Well, They're awfully young. Is this really a good idea? It's a great idea. I've always dreamed of becoming an actress. But That's not why I'm pushing Olivia to do it. Is it suspicious that I that brought that up unprovoked? Well, I guess it might be okay. Sure, Lois, I mean, look at Elroy Jetson.

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad.

You have a baby? Yeah, it's a long story. Damn kid's kept me up every night for two weeks. Now, where were we? Giggity Giggity...

This is ridiculous. Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing. Well, I have questions about her testimony.

Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing. You want to get a book published, don't you? Well, yes. Well, if you want to be in black and white, black and white's got to be in you.

You good, man. I pat you on the head and feed you from the hand. And then he made me clean out the fridge in the employee lounge, and the employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted. I don't know what's in there! That's it!

(CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that?

(BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent! What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college.

I feel like you're my friend. You wouldn't understand. No, I think I kinda do. Come on, buddy. Let's go! I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear.

(BAWLING) PETER: (LAUGHS) Look at Stewie. What a baby. Oh, no way. Hey, Chris, look. Is that Richard Dreyfuss?

We just got to make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out. Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You are under arrest. Time to lose this costume. (LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film. Oh, Sure. It's, uh, right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.

Why would you even date a girl like that? Well, because I thought she'd be like you. Like me? Well, you got to admit, Mom, she does look a lot like you. I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know? He's a complete train wreck, and you put up with him. And I'm no prize myself.

Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois, which, of course, means I have to kill you.

Carter, is this true?

Uh, we actually just met. Well, I'm Stewie. I'm Lauren. It's good to meet you. I love the show. Do you need a gay friend on the show? A friend on the show? Hey, you know what? I'm actually on my way to go shoot now. If you want, you guys can tag along. Oh, I don't know if we have time. Yes. We would love to. Brian, don't wreck this for me. Oh, my God! I have the perfect hat for this!

Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage. Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion.

You guys, don't you think I'm a little old for the Teen Choice Awards? I mean, I turned 18 today.

What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right. - Can you give me a caramel one? - No. You can have... Um... Um... You can have... Um... You can have strawberry yogurt. I don't like strawberry yogurt. Oh, picky for someone who eats the same food out of a plastic bowl on the floor every night.

Over. Oh, that's better. I can hear you now. Over. Do you see it yet? Over. You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what, Brian? Over. I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over. When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over. That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute.

I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania,

Sodomy

Oh, Chris, my baby. I told you, Peter. I never should have let him out of my stomach. I can't believe Chris got married. This is bigger news than when I toured Europe... with that musical rendition of My Left Foot.

Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses!

That cigarette company is evil. We can't be a part of this anymore. Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech. But, Peter, what about your son?

HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?

My God, I'd better see a doctor. But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit. Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town.

(CAR STARTING)

God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! (SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

All right, gentlemen. So, what do you got for my client? Well, we're making a mediocre action film, and we think James is just the guy to do a serviceable job in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum and Craig T. Nelson have already passed on. Well, we'd need to see a script first.

Hi, boys. Your ride is here. Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game. Oh, God. The pressure's too much. I just lost control of my bladder. Why didn't I clothespin the end of my penis like Muriel told me to?

Here, play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours, and then we'll give it another try.

What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck. How did you get on the roof? What am I doing, an interview?

Let me see that. "Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore. What the hell? Are these schools so underfunded that they can't afford textbooks from this century?

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now.

That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Oh, oh, thank yOu! Thank you! thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of.

Really? Oh, my God, that's hot. I didn't know you had a thing for deaf chicks. Any kind of disabled chick, Peter. They can do things to you that regular chicks don't even think of. Besides, you know me. I'm into a lot of different stuff. What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right.

God, I hate being handicapped. Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union. And what exactly are your demands? We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge? Yes. We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home. No.

y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says-- Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya! I can feel all the bones in your ass! Hya! Hya! Oh, come on, Come on.

- CARTER: Hello? - Daddy. We're all sitting here in front of the TV awaiting the big announcement. Remember the one that's gonna benefit all mankind? The one you promised to make for me, your daughter? I lied. (HANGS UP) Lois, you can't stay mad at him. He's rich and successful. It doesn't excuse what he did. It'll be fine.

- You wanna hook up? - Buy me something.

We're straightening out! (BEEPING) Look! It says "autopilot engaged." Good for him. I'm glad he found someone. Oh, thank God, we're saved! I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson. Who's Derek Watson? Nobody now.

Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

(STAMMERING) Well, I don't understand. Why'd you even want to come here, then? Lois, I came here to have an affair. An affair? With who? Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

I wonder if I can get my old job back painting kids' faces at birthday parties. There you go, Timmy. Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat.

Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson? JEFFERSON: Here. Benjamin Franklin? FRANKLIN: Here. John Footpenis? HANCOCK: It's Hancock now. Why? HANCOCK: Mind your business, that's why.

You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.

Wow. Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts! And remember, not only is abortion murder, but it's also larceny, jaywalking and securities fraud. And did you know the baby you're aborting may also have a baby inside of it that you're also aborting? Now that you know this, do you want an abortion?

So, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? (CHUCKLING) Hmm.

Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination. That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore. Hey, where's Olivia? Oh, she's probably up at the house.

Oh, I get it. That-- That's kind of funny. Yeah. Can I have a copy of Jugs?

What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything?

Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser!

Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going? Terrible. I can't even get my foot in the door. Oh, Ok. I have somebody you have to meet.

What time does it start? 10:00 Eastern and specific time. What? What did you say? Specific time? Don't you mean Pacific time? No, I think it's called specific time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00. (STEWIE SNICKERING) Stewie, are you on the line?

I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine! Mmm, Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say? Well, Aren't I the wicked one? Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting.

They call me Bill yes, they call me Bill And I'm standing here on Capitol... Ohh!

Peter, I wish you'd go over there and patch things up with Joe. Hey, screw him, Lois. He doesn't need us anymore, now that he's got his cool, new friends. I tell you, those legs have turned him into a complete jerk. It's like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park. How is that? How is what?

I think I can handle this myself. (EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in. (IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE) Slow-motion diving at you!

But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.

Peter! What is our infant son doing up on the roof? STEWIE: There's a raccoon up here. Yikes! Looks like I need a distraction. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Steak and donut sandwich, please. You want cigarettes on that sandwich? What do I look like, a Mary? Yes, I want cigarettes. Okay, next up on the stage, let's have a big karaoke welcome for Peter and Ron! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Okay, this is one of our favorites.

All right. Let's take a break. Your back's getting all sweaty. Sorry. Does that. All right. Now, let's go over what we've learned. Naked chicks. Best? Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business. Good. Worst?

The school board is voting on it tomorrow. Congratulations, Brian. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait. You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school? - Well, yes. For Martin Luther King. - That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999? No, that's Martin Landau. - Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh? - That's Martin Lawrence. - The drunk crooner? - That's Dean Martin.

Thank you, Diane.

Her hand was right beneath my pillow. She could have snapped my neck if she had a mind to. Don't worry about it. I'm sure it will be a while before you lose another tooth. I can't wait for that. I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself. But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy. ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say, "Well that'll be a stretch,"

I got news for you. The News of the World! (SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING)

MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks! MAN: In five, four, three...

(SCREAMING)

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids. Damn. Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Correct!

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House. Wait. Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns. PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

It's one of those ka-blam farts.

I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear. You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married? You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear?" Well, this is it. This is it.

There you are, you son of a bitch.

Interesting. I never saw that movie. Hey, You know one of them was papier-mache, right?

I'll see you later. Oh, my God, that is fantastic news! I can't wait to tell him! I know, I told you the book was good. Yeah, thank you so much, Don. Um... Red overalls, a yellow shirt underneath. I don't really have time to do this right now. Brian, they're publishing your book. You're kidding? I can't believe it.

Is everything all right? Yeah. Well, it's just... Would you mind tossing it up in the air for me? Well, I don't know... Lois, he is our guest. Toss it in the air. Uh, I'm used to a little applause, so...

And so they sent me back to a brewery. We're still working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated. Whoo. Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group. Beer that never goes flat.

Really? Shannon Doherty told me that once. But I thought she was just being a bitch.

Sorry. Been building up for a while. Sorry. (CONTINUES FARTING)

Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch. Look, I have to go. Part of being creative is figuring out what you're good at. I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. You're right, Lois. Man was meant to create. That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks. It works!

7-Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what? I'm not gonna need the V8,

Hi, Mr. Herbert. Here's your paper.

Terrible thing? What terrible thing? Well, like I said, I changed my mind. I didn't do it. But, um... I was kind of gonna roofie you. What? What is wrong with you? And, Kent, I owe you an apology, too.

(ALL LAUGHING) Loretta! That's our answer! What do you mean? We've just got to go talk to Loretta. If we can get her back with Cleveland, Carolyn's all yours. Well, it's a long shot, but so was the "Shouting Arab-Gram" business.

My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay.

No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over.

Please, Doctor, you've got to help him. You took an oath when you went to medical school. I took a lot of things when I went to medical school. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this. Hello? Ah, Hartman. (RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here.

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

They'll even take it up the nose In Canadian nudie bars You can touch and squeeze 'em They don't even care Would they even dye their pubes to match my hair? Uh-huh Color me there Do like me, say "Oui-Oui" And tell them you're a friend of Bill Maher's

Hey, I'm gonna go try one of those slot machines by the entrance. They always set those things to pay out more so they can lure people into the casino. (GROANS) Damn it, Vegas! Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay.

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin."

Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly. In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did. Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. Fine.

"and let the husband horse slap a batch into her now and then." Well, I guess that's it. I love you, sweetheart. And I have a lovely gift of the batch-slapping variety waiting for you when I'm just the right amount of drunk. To Lois! ALL: To Lois!

Oh, my God! My cousin works in Times Square!

For my family's sake! Why are the pretty ones always so dumb? aah! We Have A Gang shooting on Third and Main. 3 wounded, 1 dead.

That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.

Oh, can you imagine such a world?

Victory is mine! aah! God damn it. UGh.

I belong here.

(PRETENDS TO SNEEZE) Hang on, let me check something. Okay, you're fine. Be right back.

(SINGING SECOND TIME AROUND)

So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

Brian, will you carry me upstairs? I want to look at my toys. - No. I'm watching television. - Come on, I'm sick. All right. Come here. Oh, Todd, I feel like we'll never have a baby of our own!

I can mash potato i can mash potato I can do the twist I can do the twist now tell me baby ooh.

Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin. (GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way. Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell!

Play Peter Griffin. Ah. Now that is a challenge. (FARTING)

Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis?

Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house? She won't care, Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.

Hey, Stewie. How's the weather up there? Very fair. Like our prices.

We lost the values, but we kept the weed You've got a lot to see The Reagan years have laid the frame For movie stars to play the White House game We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim You've got a lot to see

- From Wings. - Nope. Tim Daly, he was on Wings. What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like... He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys. they are brothers, and they are both pilots. Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache? That was Roy, he's hilarious. Was this a cartoon? No... Oh, my God! No! No! It took place in an airport!

Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois. I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow. You know what would be a great idea for a TV show? A sitcom about former major league pitchers Phil and Joe Niekro enjoying their retirement years. You'd call it Those Lazy Niekros.

Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face! That's just the face I make when I'm thinking. And you're always pointing at me. I was trying to start a conversation. And you do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency. Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before.

You know the best thing about these girls is, even if you're terrible, they don't know the difference. You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay. (ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on.

Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse? You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get them open. Who are they trying to keep out of these things? And what's the deal with the razor-blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there? Hi, Andy Dick here.

I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God!

Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high! Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station! Last time I do somebody a favor! Oh, God! They must have heard me! Oh, God! I can hear me!

Well, Peter, it's been a rough week for both of us, but it means a lot to me to hear you say that. So, what do you say? Can we put all this behind us? I'd like nothing better. Hey, Bonnie and I are watching Grey's Anatomy if you want to come in. Oh, boy, Joe, I got to tell you. That, that...

All right, here goes nothing. I'm going to sneak up on that guy. Hey! Gotcha! (LAUGHING) Okay, you got me.

I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and wake up. And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight? My Puerto Rican wife got fat.

No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%. Uh, okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask, what's the 0.01? Well, I mean, there's this little hole. It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect. And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something. We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got--

Peter, are you there? I can hear you breathing? Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

For our first order of business, we'll go to Bruce. Oh, hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We've got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gonna have a puppet show, we gonna have some jazz.

(BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay?

Say ho! Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house Someone just cleaned that floor Whoo-hoo! Say what, what! Ha! Ha! Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality?

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap!

Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park.

You know, I'm sick of looking at that. What? That empty space! It just reminds me that Cleveland's not here anymore. Yeah, it's just not the same without him. I sure wish he... Hey, guys, look! It's him! Hey, Cleveland! Why didn't you tell us you were back, buddy? Oh, it's a lamp.

You weren't touching the bush.

(GASPS) What are you doing here? CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die!

There's a man here to see you. He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. Really? Well, then, by all means, send him in! Hey, knucklebutts! BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods? (STAMMERS) But I don't understand! I thought you were dead! Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not. I don't believe you.

These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em.

ANNOUNCER: And now back to One Tree Hill.

and Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley, and Horatio Sanz? Sweet! Sa turda y Night Live. I can't think of anything more exciting. Oh, my God, a water fountain!

At is. Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead. ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough.

Turkey! Ahh!

You know something? You are absolutely right. It is time for me to take charge of my own life.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you?

We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car! No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat. Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it. All right, Mrs. Swanson. You're doing fine.

Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

(GROANS) That's it, I'm taking you home.

Well, there it is, kids. Your first marquee. Meet you inside. Pretty exciting. What? The marquee or the other thing? Oh, What other thing? You know. The sex with Simon. Why else would your name be first?

Anybody got anything? BOTH: Um...

Not drugs, Lois. Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform. Well, those celebrities are wrong! Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right iS. 2 minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli! Oh, Come on, baby! Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret! Lady, for God's sake,

because religion is for idiots!

Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Boy, I hope Lois is watching. Ok, taxpayers, here you go! Looks like We're getting some rain here tonight, John. Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!

Uh-oh-- Oh, boy. Oh--oh! Oh, God. Ahh! Ah-- Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? see--See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni.

Marco. Marco. Marco.

Ready? One, two, three. (GROANING) Damn it! Oh, my God, that hurts! I think you missed me. All right, I'll try again. No, no, no. Hang on, that looks like it's painful. Of course it's painful. There's a bullet in my foot. Now, get over here. No, no, no, no, no. I've changed my mind. I don't wanna do it.

He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

And since you're black and I'm white, that makes it more special for the audience.

You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist. (LAUGHING) Really, Brian? He doesn't exist? That's right, he's not real.

He brought a note from his doctor. It's a suicide bombing. MAN: It's true. What are you... Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Here we go. This is where I get all serious now. Okay. Death... (LAUGHING) I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't. Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait. Look, look, rubber chicken, you know?

Not unless you do something about it. Yeah. But what? Carter, hand me my thinking grenades. Where did you get these? (SHUSHING) Carter, I'm thinking. - (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work.

What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. What? Will he be okay? No, he won't be okay. One-third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation. (BEEPING) Well, that's it. But, don't worry, he won't burn in hell,

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

(GROANING IN AGONY) Hey, hey, hey, there, champ! Aw, look at him, Lois. Relaxing after his big victory. Peter, he's not relaxing. He's in a great deal of pain. Damn it, don't you see what you did to him? I told you not to take him to that eating competition,

I wanted to call her Twiki. But Lois said kids these days wouldn't get the reference. You know who I'm talking about, right? Biddy, Biddy, Biddy. Uh, I'm not quite sure you're Brown material.

Why are you wearing makeup? (GASPING) Chicken pox! Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare. You swore on the seesaw. (LAUGHING)

Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?

Hi. This is David Leisure. You probably remember me as the neighbor from T.V.'s Empty Nest. No? W-well, How about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu? The--The guy who lied? Oh, Come on! Those were really popular! They ran all the time!

It means you want to make love.

(PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard!

The mountains look like nipples. Well, you can't just call a country, "Nipples." What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that. (LAUGHS) Shocker. God gets it right.

(BING-BONG)

As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

I mean, I'm sure they'd give you another card. - Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming.

O.J., this is my family. Family, O.J. It's nice to meet you all. Hey, Peter, you mind if I use your restroom? No. It's upstairs and to the left.

No! What just happened? What was that thing? I don't know. Some kind of super bird. Or maybe an average bird who bought a Bowflex. Well, that super bird ruined everything! Indeed, a force to be reckoned with, like Secretary of Energy, Steven Chu. Secretary Chu, Ways & Means has sent over a preliminary budget.

(GRUNTS) Damn it! You bastards!

Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes. Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch? The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats!

And so I say unto you, Sons of Liberty, no longer will free men live under the yoke of giant predatory birds. Shrieking, swooping down, stealing our livestock. What's going on in here? Nothing, uh, just bellyaching about the British. Get back to warming those eggs.

(GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby.

Stop! Help! Help!

ROLFE: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you. Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi.

(LAUGHS) Just kidding. We'll get there later. So, let's pretty much just attack like we did last time. Sound good? No need to fix what ain't broke, right?

Peter, what the hell are you doing? Knock it off. We brought you some wine, but it's best chilled before dinner. (EXCLAIMS) That is so nice of you. Yeah, let's put it on ice. You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news.

Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it! You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off!

For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it. The next person you see. The very next person you see. She's gone, Jillian's gone.

Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg? You okay in there? (RUSTLING NOISE) Uh, yeah. Come on in.

I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah!

Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier.

Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me. Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. Why wouldn't you look at me during? (SOBBING)

but, hey, if they moved out, some smelly Hawaiians might move in. Hear, hear! Hey, Where's Quagmire? Yeah, If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived. He said he was gonna distract the social worker. Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you.

I'll let you take that one for me, Brian. - Are you serious? - Quite.

I'm here, Dad. What is it? Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead.

He ain't got no legs.

You said the secret word!

Ooh, look at that. "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year." What did I say? MAN 1: "Hassle-free checking." MOSES: Damn it! MAN 2: "Mancow in the morning." Shut up! Peter, can we stop the stories for a minute? We need to figure out how we're gonna survive. I mean, is there even any food in here? Right, good thinking. Meg, go get us some sandwiches. Wait a minute, that's a great idea.

He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like saltwater taffy or a Chunky. Oh, no!

You're not going to get away this time, you son of a bitch. Please, don't kill me. I'm not married. My life is awesome. I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs.

Four. Zero. Zero... - One. - One. Four, zero, one. Yes. Five, five, five. Five. Five. Five. That was painless. Okay. One, one, two, five.

(LAUGHING) Hello.

(GASPS) You're wicked.

And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name.

Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness. Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others? Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea.

Ross Fishman, Lois's old boyfriend.

Loretta, I came over here wanting to believe that there was still a chance for us. But on the way, I passed a lake, skipped a few rocks and had some black-guy thinking time.

At this point, the dinosaur in the backseat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it. Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well.

Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy!

- One, two. - One, two. You want me to kill myself and you're not going to. - You suck. You suck. - You suck.

Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

Sorry. I don't like you either. You don't even know me.

Wow! I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college. Heads up!

- Did I tell you that I'm doing Atkins? - Oh, that's not good for you.

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about. See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started. (COUGHS)

In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years. God bless the both of you. Hey, it's 4:30.

So let's have another cup o' coffee And let's have another piece o' pie! Joe, what the hell is going on? You're a suspect in Lois' murder, that's what's going on.

Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes." oh!

It's what we're here to find out. And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.

Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder. Nope. Oh, this is horrible!

Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella.

Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.

I don't know what the big deal is. I stopped for one drink after work. Yes, but it's every night. There! Now you can be upset about that. This is fun. I like playing with you, Penelope.

Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick. Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man.

All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy (WIND HOWLING) Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell.

(SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, Stewie. Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good. Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely.

I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

MAN: Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on The Family Man! - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? - CAROL: What? - MAN: Huh? CAROL: What? MAN: I forget. And besides, Brian, the evidence is all right in front of your nose.

A pilot error. Jeez, I probably shoulda worn mittenS!

Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict! Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.

Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Meg? You okay in there?

due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder. Help! Help us! Oh, my God! (PANTING) Hey, don't worry. I'm here.

So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh? What do you mean? I mean crying and wetting yourself. You looked ridiculous. You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead. How was your bowel movement, Peter? I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker.

Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter!

- Still got the worms, eh? - Yeah, that stupid medicine's $300. Well, let me make you a proposal. I'll front you the money, and you pay it off by working for me. Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do?

All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois.

(VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary. What'd I miss?

Oh, they must be for Mort's party.

Listen, we've been at this for 15 minutes. I don't think anything's coming out. I'm fine. I can keep going. I'm just really tired. What if I stick my finger in your hole? That only works when I'm already close.

We used to give each other wet willies and funny arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt. Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was! But, back then, we were called "pole fancies." It was real good, old-fashioned, grab-the-nearest-tree and-hold-on-for-dear-life gay, not today's fancy, featherbed, thread-count gay.

Who's gonna play guitar? Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song.

Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her.

Hey, hey! What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did--Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No!

Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense. You may think that song and dance is dated, boring and dry

Hey, Doc, I'm here for my dialysis. Have a seat, Peter. Let's get you hooked up. Doc, I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's been three weeks. I know, I saw the caption. Yeah, but I just go crazy just sitting here for so long.

A neat thing I just said. And now sports. Oh, Chris, we are so proud of you. I got to admit, Chris, this is pretty exciting. When did you become so coherent? Mom, I wrote that! He stole it, and he's taking all the credit! Chris, is that true? You didn't write anything! This is my essay!

I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny.

The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. I tried everything to get the stain out. What about lemon juice? Oh, What about club soda? What about shutting the hell up? Isn't baseball great? They say baseball's the national pastime. I can't taste salt.

Is he saying something funny? I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess. (CHUCKLING) He was on the Internet, and I'm in college. And now to present the award for Sickest Onscreen Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness, Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls.

(SCATTING) Fuck you.

From now on, I'm gonna appreciate all the little things in life,

Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing? Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just... When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough, you just, I don't know, lose sight of the rest of the world. Brian, she's my wife, and you're my best pal.

I sent Bitch Stewie in my place. What a great little party, Janet. You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much. Oh, no. It's not on his tail. It's on his face. I've ruined it. Oh, no. Well, that's okay, though.

I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts

Sorry, Lois. "Lewd", "obscene", and "a little blurry", just some of the words used to describe Lois Griffin's prurient pic.

(HUMMING STAR WARS THEME)

This is so much fun, isn't it? I know. What should we talk about next? I know, let's talk about actresses. Oh, yeah. I feel like Natalie Portman thinks she's so much better than everybody. She's nothing, and her husband's a nobody. Why does Laura Linney always look like she's just finished skiing? I don't know who that is.

Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it.

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING)

Okay, so I'm going to the Dagobah system... You gotta speak up. I'm going to the Dagobah system!

Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this!

My God, you've just made me the happiest dog in the world.

Next. Brian, I am about to show you something that's gonna blow your mind! Do you know what the big bang theory is? Yeah, the theory that the universe started with a massive outward explosion from a singularity of infinite mass and infinite density. Check out the big brain on Brian. Good.

Is that really a huge distinction? It is to me! I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick! How messed up in the head are you that you would even ask? Look, okay, okay, just calm down, okay? We're not... We're just talking. We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact.

Ben Stiller, help me. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies. - How did you hear? - Hello!

Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks. Lois, this pasta, better than Italy.

I'm going with you, Lois. Yeah, I'll go, too. All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King"

(SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois,

(BOTH SCREAM) Luke, help me get this mask off. Let me look on you with my own eyes,

(ENGINE STARTS)

I want Hershey Kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them! Look, Mr. B., if it's okay with you, I'd like to give my membership back to Carter. I'm sorry, Peter, but I just don't think Pewterschmidt is country club material. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to shoot Michael Stipe. (STIFLING LAUGH) Is that him in the corner? Yes, that is him in the corner.

Really? Yeah. You're always right there on the couch for us, making us laugh when we're upset. Changing the channel when something boring comes on. Eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don't fight over it. Yeah, Daddy. If you hadn't pulled this stunt I never would've learned how to manipulate Kevin. And when the kids at school see us on T.V.

It's a wonderful day for pie - For pie - For pie For pie For pie For pie This is wonderful, Brian. Oh, let's live in this universe.

It'll make me feel better. You are not even... You're going in there to look... That's even gayer. BRIAN: Oh, come on! And the worst thing is that he's not even a douche. He's a nice guy. I like him.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future.

What the hell? I just-- I don't understand how he could do that without me. We were gonna do everything together! It was one cereal ad, Peter. Besides, he's the one who won the medal. Yeah, I guess. Coming to A.B.C.,

Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What? You busy right now? No, I got a hand free. What's up? Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again? I... Possibly. I mean, in what context? Well, we're trying to make Cleveland see that she's no good and that he can't trust her, and if he catches you guys in the act, then... Okay, oh, no, no, okay. No, I'm... I'm with you now.

Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year.

A week, a month, a year? Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes? Rent! Rent! Rent!

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes. LOIS: (MOANING) Oh, Peter, yes! PETER: Yeah.

Let's just take off, we'll deal with it later.

He's the one who wanted the trophy all along!

God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smoking was bad,

What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

and that's when I decided that she would live on through me. For I am not who you think I am. I am not little Mary Sunflower, daughter of Bradley and Theresa Sunflower. No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower! And I'm a boy!

So come on, every guy, grab a girl Everywhere around the world They'll be dancing Dancing in the street CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Way down in L.A. Every day

No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Inspection. (BUZZER SOUNDING) You Andy Dufresne? A little bit. You? (LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you? I understand you make Star Wars figurines.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

Poor kid. You know, the weirdest thing is his bunk is right next to Chris'. Yeah, that was a close call. Oh, it was more than a close call.

They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh.

Hey, how's it hanging, Dakota? What's up, New Bedford? You look like rappers, but you're not black, so that's the perfect amount of danger. Oh, God. Hey, listen, you guys get to know each other. Looks like my doorman let another gazelle in here. I'm sorry, but we've been over this before. We don't serve your kind here. You're gonna hear from my lawyer. Yeah, you know, I would welcome that.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio.

Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Maybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet,

Dad! What are you doing? All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt for about three weeks. What the hell? That there's my steer, Griffin. All right, Lois. Go ahead. Say it. (SIGHS) Chris! It's time for supper!

It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.

Waah! Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink. Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft? What are you talking about? I'm a woman. Sure you are. Now. Peter, I'm exhausted.

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart.

"Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

I say, are you blind, or just stupid? What do you mean? Perhaps you'd like to see what Lois and the fat man have been up to in your absence. Hello, M.T.V., Um, I think I would be perfect for The Real World . Uh, Because I speak my mind and not everyone likes that.

Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story. Oh, I got a million of them. Like this, like uh, my buddy's sister's boss, he was, uh, drinking with a hooker in this Vegas bar. Bam! Woke up without his kidney.

Sure, Peter. Whatever you want. Hey, hey, whassat? Whassat, boy? Whassat? Uh. Surgical equipment. Whose is that? Whose is that?

Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin.

Isn't baseball great? They say baseball's the national pastime. I can't taste salt.

What do you want, Chris? All I want is to go out with Anna again. Then you just need to go talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee?

It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

Wait. What? Forget it. Keep going. Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Anyone? Anyone?

At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street. (THUNDER RUMBLES) See? It's the exact opposite.

I feel terrible about this whole thing. Look, Why don't I just put us up at a nice hotel for a coupla days? Oh, That's a great idea, Brian. It'll be like a little vacation.

Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs. Move it! Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting! If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going.

The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. But there's a way for us to help him. If all of us, everywhere, can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice,

Well, I think you're exaggerating. No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy. Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

Although, you know, he's kind of here, Lois. You know, you're right. He kind of is. Yeah, because he's in our hearts. This is a song about that man and his world that was taken from him.

Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES)

No, no, you can't go in there.

I'll take the one on the right! Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour. And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. (PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem!

Peter, I think one of us should go over and have a talk with Kyle's parents. I'll do it, Lois. Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store-brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry, the Tiger. They're food!

I turned to my first mate and I said, "We are looking into the very eyes of God."

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Dad, what's that? I think I hear music. Oh, that's the little people, Chris. They're playing music so that I will bless them with food. (FAINT CHEERING)

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's? I had to book it the day of my ultrasound.

How does this help people, like, with cancer or in Darfur?

(YELLS) Kristallnacht! 'Tis Long John Peter and his merry men come seeking plunder. All your TUCKS Medicated Pads be ours. Oh, my God! Oh, God! What are you...

I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice. Wakey, wakey.

Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell.

Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

I just needed to know that you'd stay. You say I only hear what I want to I've had it. The only place in town that's got power is Superstore USA while the rest of us are left to bake in the heat. There's gotta be something we can do to take that place down. Don't worry, Brian. I think I've got an idea.

This textbook is from 1896. What? "Chapter Three. Here Comes Utah." Let me see that. "Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore.

It's a depressing voice, but it's yours. Write from that. Listen, me and the other playwrights are going out to have drinks with Woody Allen and his daughter-wife. You want to come? All right. We can just sit here for a while. They talked a lot more crap about you after you left.

Griffin! Get in here! And make sure you have on your new uniform. Why am I the only one who has to wear denim shorts? Because you're the only one who looks this good in them. Damn, Griffin, you fill those out nicely. Why is there a dusty gas station and a Diet Pepsi machine in your office?

I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent. Come on. Think harder. There's gotta be something you can do.

Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)

Dad, what are we doing here? Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!

(GASPS) (INDISTINCT HUMMING)

But here's something everyone can understand! Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Sorry, Lois.

I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life. To hell with this. I'm going homE. What are you doing? You can't get in that way. I'm sure as hell not going in the back door. Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment. If you don't want to follow procedure, fine.

Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

we'll give you another crack at that. This guy single-handedly set political discourse back a hundred years. Hasn't the right wing done enough damage to our nation with the war, and torture, and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties? I mean, you know, back me up... Oh, and the economy, right? Back me up on this, you know? (YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint.

What? I'm just screwing around, Brian. Nobody cares.

Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed. PETER: Brian, look what I found! Check it out! I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on. I'm coming down. Go, go, gadget skis!

...E e Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him.

I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Mommy missed you so much!

You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

This thing is great. Bet you could sail it all the way to the Caribbean. (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Hey, American women, when was the last time you were raped, murdered, and stuffed in a lobster pot? Well, what you waiting for? Come to the Virgin Dutch Front Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles. It's only a hop, skip, and a small plane ride that scares you something terrible.

Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy... have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house... in celebration of his fantastic test results? Maybe. Uh-oh. Congratulations.

And you've got to listen to me. The reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick, very sick. And he needs our help. He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year.

No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama. MALE ANNOUNCER: What happens when a 40-year-old woman asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby? Push, Angie, push! Push harder... Oh, it's dead.

they should be able to take 6 months off my face.

Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports illustrated. Miss, he keeps putting his arm on my armrest! It's my armrest! It is not, stupid head! And--and He keeps trying to take my apple juice! I'll bring you your own juice. Ahh! Hey! Hey, he keeps licking his finger and touching me!

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly

I erased it.

Hello. Damone, it's Peter. I'm at my date and I left my wallet at home. Will you please borrow your mom's car, drive to my house, get my wallet, and bring it back here? Damone, are you there? Damone?

No words... sh-Should have sent a poet. There's enough food to last us forever! Peter, we're saved! You were right. We can settle down here and build a house, just like we had in quahog. Yeah! And We can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out! And 2 Denny's, so we can always say,

Oh, That's great. Hey, look. A manatee! We can use it for soup.

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. What are you doing? That's my bathroom! What are you talking about? We just rented this place. Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase! What the hell are you guys doing in Quahog? We're just doing research for a movie. Oh, my God, that's amazing. You're both living here together?

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

I know you've been plotting to foil my plans of world domination. Who are you working for? The Libyans? The French?

I mean, what the... I don't understand that. What is that like? You're such a loser. I hate you!

Uh... Okay, you just want me to spray the water at the fire and try to put it out? He knows everything about what we do. Of course he does. Look at that giant horse vagina.

I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world. They do? Yeah, they're unbelievable.

The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier.

Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE!

(COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (BURPING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMS) Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.

I understand.

Some other time, pal. There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K!

Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, look at this place. It's a world run by dogs. I mean, I kind of want to explore this universe. Oh, you like role reversal? Okay. Wait. What are you doing?

Ptew! And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Ptew! Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb. What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Ow! Get off of me! Ugh! Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Whoops. "Dear Diary... "It seems the domestic overseers "are plotting against me. "Their plans somehow relate "to the anniversary of my escape from the womb.

Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base.

With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn to put the bottle down just sometimes? We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no, but we kept at it. All right, Death. I'll try.

You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here. Is this the man who assaulted you?

Brian, wait!

Hey, What are you doing in my locker?

(ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

(GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done. You can't just break the law. Sure, I can. I've been doing it all week.

That was my plan. Where's yours?

(HUMMING) (SIGHS) So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday?

(GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

Your attempts to escape are... futile. Ahh!

I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring. But we still always use a rock-phylactic. I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.

Brian? Yeah? I don't feel so good. All right, that's it. We got to do something about this. We have got to get that record and destroy it. Just like that fat-person surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms. I look so good! I lost all this weight.

Come on, honey. It's the only thing I've asked you to do. Please? Ah, Brian, tape this for me. Ooh, Sorry. The V.C.R. hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football. Do you have the expressed written consent of A.B.C. Sports and the National Football League? Just A.B.c.

If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep. No, I... Wait. What? You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done. (MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)

Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? No, I put 'em all in your bag. Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we?

Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do? Yeah, this doesn't seem like much of a party. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's with all the noise? Got some complaints from next door. I might have to take you girls downtown. (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(RADIO CLICKS ON) (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) A gentle breeze From Hushabye Mountain Softly blows O'er Lullaby Bay (HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you.

The plans are stored inside this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. All right now, what do I click? Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force, and come with me to Alderaan. What's the Force?

Hi, Dad. Go to your room.

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh! Oof! I smell a messy diaper. God! Why does that turn me on? Hold it, Meg. Those 2 are mine. What? That's Randy and that's Fred.

Pillow fight! You bastard! (ALL LAUGHING)

Whatever is happening here, just knock it off. So, I, Peter Griffin, will be playing one free round of golf tomorrow with the one and only O.J. Simpson. What? Peter, you can't play golf with O.J. Simpson.

Chris, what are you doing? Saving our lives.

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here. (EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having. That's better.

Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell."

I love stars! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Grainy Footage of a Potential Bigfoot that will surely spark a lively debate in your household. Oh, my God! That is real! No, total fake. (ALL ARGUING) Look at that. That is obviously a suit.

Very well, then. Take off your shirt. No, honey. No, no. Tonight we're gonna have formula instead.

What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet?

But the idea of two men actually getting married, it just doesn't seem right. Hey, I say who cares, you know? If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us, I say we should let them.

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired.

Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? Oh, gosh, I don't know. - Oh, wait, here you go. - Thanks. (SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention! Come on. Let's get out of here.

(SNARLING) Oh, my God! Help! Help! He's killing my dog! He's got my neck! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! My dog is dead!

You're sure this is okay?

I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are. What the hell do you know about high school? Are you kidding? These kids today are so easy to manipulate. If you plopped me in the middle of a high school,

Coward!

(GROANS)

You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day. It's improved my heart one heck of a heap, I'll tell you that. Pardon my French. This is even worse than the other one. I mean, it's cool I know French, but, Death, this ain't me. What am I supposed to do?

Who the hell is this bitch? Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this. Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo,

because he was like that. And He drank and drank, and stored enough water in his massive hump to slake the thirst of the entire-- Cut the maudlin crap. We're in trouble here. It's already below freezing, and it's getting colder. We're gonna die unless... unless we do something drastic. What? We have to slice open our camel's stomach and shelter ourselves in his entrails.

You know, you guys can probably go on home. We'll let you know if there's any change in your daughter's condition. Wow, you're a real doctor? Hey, does Scrubs work here? I love that guy. I wanna meet Scrubs, and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

I want you to get all this Jew food off the table. I most certainly will not. It's me or your religion, Lois. I'm a Catholic, and I want to live in a Catholic house. Well, I'm a Jew, and I want to live in a nicer house. BRIAN: You really think I should run for mayor? Peter, you've got to stop living in your own stupid world. I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in Jesus.

I'll be on your bed. No calls. Hey, Lois.

Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in.

Oh, I am so happy for you, Peter. What the hell happened to you?

Well, there's only one thing to do now. Go to plan B.

All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out. I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked.

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff.

say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Peter, trust me, it's not happening. (SIGHS) All right. Good. Yeah, she's really making me work for it. Maybe you could talk to her. Well, I'll try, but sometimes she can be as stubborn as a mule.

So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think?

I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.

or that you'll see my scrotum, and see that it has a seam on it, and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened, and... Chris, I like you. You don't have to try so hard. I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial.

Absolutely not. Case closed. Oh, crap! It was prison you were thinking of. Prison. I already banged the hammer.

This must be what other fathers feel like. This was worth the 500-mile drive.

Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety-yak, Yakety-yak-yak-yak. You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a... Oh, I got to take a leak. There we go. Oh, pee time. Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives?

Damn it, he's in the garbage again. Oh, my God! Come on! Get out of the trash. Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!

Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny. Is there no hope? Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

So, how long is Jerome gonna be staying with us, Dad? I don't know, Chris, but the sooner he's out of here, the better. I don't trust him around Lois for a second! LOIS: Oh, God, Jerome, that is so good! Yeah, it's so hot and moist! Mmm! These scones are delicious.

Land mines?

And as I recall, I don't really care for you! Wait a minute. Who are you? Hey, I know you! What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh. Hi, Consuela. Hello, Mr. Peter. No school today. So, I bring my nephew Mikey. You want to buy a light-up yo-yo? Well, kind of.

Ah, you bitch.

Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase, I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. I think we have the wrong clip. What? No?

there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, even in hard times, but if we don't, we may have to give up Christmas altogether. Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News.

Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power!

You must be Autumn Daniels. Welcome to Barncliffe school for girls. We're your roommates. I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.

Meg, you got a minute? What the hell? I made that for you, Brian. Meg! Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.

Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz. Steak and eggs and eggs and steak That's what you should have for breakfast

Hey, congratulations, buddy. You know, you're a lucky guy. The only thing I ever won was an extra day of summer. Okay, Peter, one more day. Yay! I saw what I look like in a car window, and now I don't want to go.

Well, if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good, Brian. Yeah, right. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen. (SIGHS) I hope he finds faith of some kind. You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter.

Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context. There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control,

"Love bears all things, believes all things... (GIGGLING) "...hopes all things, endures all things. "Love never ends. Love never fails." Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8. Thank you. That was beautiful. And now, Jillian, do you take Derek...

Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved! Really? Are you sure it's England? Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover. Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white. So, we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer. Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire.

You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under control before the police caught onto you. Hold it right there, Lois, you are under arrest. Oh, crap. A-All right, look, just--just take it easy, Joe. All right, Lois will go peacefully.

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

There's one of them now. Take that for stealing jobs from hardworking people! (SCREAMING) Dad, what the hell are you doing? We got a message for you. "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it." Actually, Peter... Gattaca! Gattaca!

My dad's a tailor, you jerk! Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go. So, um, would you want to do something sometime? Sure. That'd be great. Cool. I'll call you later.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(MUTTERS) (SOBBING)

Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. What was that? Nothing.

B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!

Now try it again. "How do you do?" What did you say? "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." I think she's got it! I think she's got it! The life of the wife is ended by the knife by George, she's got it!

We can never go back to the way things were after how I was treated. Not after the things I've seen. What did you see? Was it breasts? Ah, jeez. Get over it, Brian.

(NURSERY SONG PLAYING) (SCREAMS) Sheldon. What are you doing? Get back in your bowl where you belong.

Yes, that!

There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.

You know, we Jews got it right, working with our hands. Yeah, let those eggheads in Rome do the brain work, we Jews will do the brawn work. Hey, Italians, put a book down once in a while. Yeah, yeah, right. Definitely, yeah. Put a book down. Hey, so, uh, you've been seeing that girl Mary for some time now.

And then he got Parkinson's. Yikes. You know, Stewie, you're right. This is not a loss, it's an opportunity. I'm free now. I've got my own place, no attachments. There you are. That's just the kind of can-do spirit that built this nation. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, "that all men are created equal."

(DOGS BARKING)

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING)

All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch. And as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. (MUSIC PLAYING)

I think...

What? That's right. I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING)

to demonstrate that you and Peter would never naturally associate with one another. But I was wrong. It appears you two have a genuine bond after all.

(ALL LAUGHING) Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead? Whose room is this? It's, uh, my room.

Damn. Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Correct! (CHEERING) I did it, Lois! My God, I did it!

Terrible, sir. Good, good.

Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch! MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway.

CROWD: Aw. Relax, you're going to do great. (SIGHS) Nailed it. Well, as usual, this is gonna suck for one of us.

Guys, this is great. Not only will I be able to put food on the table and pay all my bills, I'll also be able to finance my Christmas album. (ANNOUNCER) Sessions presents, a Peter Griffin Christmas. Featuring such standards as...

(GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening?

He stands for everything you despise. My loyalty is to reason, Lois. And as a reasonable person, I reserve the right to change my mind when presented with new information that alters my perspective. And I got to tell you, I had this guy all wrong. I mean, some of the stuff in here is... Hey, baloney!

(SNAPS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, if it isn't Mr. Nielsen himself. Nurse, who's the worst doctor in this hospital? You are, Dr. Hartman. Good. Put Hartman on this bozo. Hey, what can I do for you? Please, Doc, you got to help me with this nasty gash.

Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Money. I'll be upstairS. Peter, why are you so-- Get out! This is a part just for the men!

Now, it's time for me to go help another child. I guess I just fooled myself into thinking you'd always be with me. I will, Peter. I will always be with you.

Yeah! Who's got the most school spirit? I do! Show me your school spirit! (INHALES) The players will remember this while they're playing.

Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING)

Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course,

Ok. I'm thinking of a movie. Is it an action movie? No. Is it a musical? No. Is it a good movie? It has its moments. - Cool Runnings. - Right!

He 's a family guy There's Craig Hoffman. He's such a rebel. Oh, my God, he is so gorgeous. And he plays by no one's rules but his own. Meg, you should ask him out.

What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.

Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together. We can start our own father-son business.

This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine. Man, what a bunch of jerks. Yeah, we should call Ross and tell him,

Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang You get off my property, you pervert.

I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.

It's true. You've got to stay away from that terrible man. Mr. Gutentag isn't a terrible man. He's my friend. Chris, you don't understand, I'm trying to help you. Help me what? Clean your pool with my shirt off, or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get little bits of lint out of the rug?

That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

My God! She's dead. She's been shot!

We're in a sub. Oh, my God! It's England! We've reached England! We're saved! Really? Are you sure it's England? Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover. Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white.

Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed.

Andy Dufresne, the man who crawled through a river of poop and came out clean on the other side. Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

(SIREN WAILING) All right, you got my catchphrases for me? I just want you to know this was a huge pain in the ass. "Peter's new catchphrases, by Carter Pewterschmidt." Title's all business. I like that. Also, I've been under the weather lately,

This is terrible. The storm keeps getting worse.

Down's Syndrome girl

Look, your--your parents will be home any minute. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? No, no, No. Go. Go. It'll be funny.

So... How are things, Dad? Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here. This is gonna be a really special Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.

Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING) (GROANS) What happened? Where are my knitting needles?

Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants

Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Ah! Another day of being huge. Good morning, guns of... (GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening?

Look, in the past you've done terrible things, but it's always been about the pursuit of your greater goal of world domination. But this girl, she just creates chaos for the sake of chaos. So what are you saying? I'm saying, she's a bad influence on you, and you should stop spending time with her.

You know how I can tell? Here's a little trick. When you see the lightning, you count all the terrible things that can happen to a child, until you hear the thunder. And if you count higher each time, you know the storm is moving away from you. - Okay, ready? - Ready. Okay. Drowning. Getting shot in a drive-by. Lyme disease from a deer tick.

Peter, you can't force-feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own. Why don't you get him a job or something? Whoa. Freeze-frame! That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. Go--Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her.

Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner. Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart. This is all very strange. I agree. Something's not right. I don't know, maybe we should give him a chance.

HA, All right, HITLER. Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen! Look, Peter. all you gotta do is sit there. The plane is gonna crash in L.A. Pilot error. Big mess. Everybody dies. Jeez, everybody? Except you.

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself. Honey, I'll be right there. By all means, take your time. Oh, and When you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston! Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend!

All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow. Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day.

Oh, Yeah? I'll show you who's the life of the party. Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin. Huh? Guys? Huh? Guys?

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Let's get the hell outta here. Yeah, they're walking down the road Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left Left foot, right foot, left foot, right Please, Chris. Mommy's got a very big headache. Stop it! Thank you, sweetie.

Victory is mine! I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn. What, You're spending money on food again?

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)

Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing.

Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA?

Are you okay, Brian?

It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois. I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this. Look, Peter, this is not who we are. I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.

Aw, come on, Lois. Just one more sonG. Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy. Relax, Chris. Nothing bad ever happens when you're asleep. In fact, sometimes good things can happen.

Ooh! Can I have the box? Look at me! I'm an Iraq War vet in 10 years. No, we're gonna take good care of them.

God's waiting room, for who knows what... Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.

Luke! They let you out of jail? Not exactly. He broke out to see me, Brian. We're in love. Meg, are you crazy? You can't harbor a fugitive! That's a felony! Only if someone finds out. Are you gonna do it? Are you gonna tell on me again?

That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!

ah, Sausage-san.

Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car! Brian, come! Don't you walk out on me! Hey! Uh, heh. I now command you to leave. Keep going. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING) Well, Peter, I'm glad you're all right, but I hope this is the end of your skydiving career. Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois. You know, when I thought I was gonna die, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes,

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Nothing! Peter, it's 7:00 in the morning! Thanks for the update, Big Ben! You're drunk again!

I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn't make them good. I was tryin' to make art. Oh, Art-schmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they'll produce Shakespeare. Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"?

But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Good evening. l'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Sa ddam 's southern settlement squatters.

He's a bad fit, like a crocodile at an alligator rally. Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out! Yeah! Yeah! Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it! Yeah! Yeah! And sometimes walking out onto a dry plain or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then!

so, uh, uh, Tell me about yourself, Tina. Well, I really love music. Oh, God! Me too! You know, i--I just saw Don Giovanni. In my opinion, The best opera of the 18th century. Definitely. And the--the use of recitative throughout. I--i, Mozart was a geniuS.

Hey, where the hell is everybody? Oh, we haven't had a paying customer in months. Nobody rides the train anymore. Oh, well, for God's sake! Uh, are... Are you robbers? Yeah. Well, you could, you could take my wallet. My MasterCard's in there. Although, to be honest, I'll probably just cancel it before you can use it. So...

Mojito!

Make him part of the show. You don't want him. He's not really a professional like me. Listen, you get that kid in here. We need more laughs on the show. (SIGHS) Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting. In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game,

Peter, guess what I just got? A relationship video. The infomercial said this tape will help us communicate better as a couple. Lois, When have we ever had trouble communicating? Oh, Peter. I love you. Yeah, about a quarter past 5:00. Ok, Lois. I'll make you a deal.

Giddy Goose? Meg, please try to formulate ideas clearly before you vocalize them. I'm not sure you're getting the show, Meg. All right, names, names, names. Come on now. (GASPS) Poopy Face Tomato Nose! Yes! Write it down. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. Maybe they live in a pond? Chris, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a sec?

Ya! Ahh!

No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there? Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier? I said all that stuff. God! Let's not-- Let's not rule anything out. Hey, look, there's Lois.

Don't worry, Brian, I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm a genius. Like Thomas Edison. Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting. (LOUD ZAPPING) Brian, look! Mamma mia! What is this?

MAN'S VOICE: Old Man River That Old Man River He must know somethin'

You got to be careful about what you put on your network. You know how impressionable children are. I mean, remember what happened after Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should have left for school already. Oy, shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone.

ALL: Aw! Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg.

Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you. - Me, too. - But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight!

It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter! What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude.

Hey, Peter!

Hey, you guys. Are we all ready to cheer at the game tonight? We? Oh, You made flag girl, huh? Uh! Yeah. So, This morning my mom was all like, "Meg, don't forget your lunch." And I'm all like, "mom, I'm a flag girl now.

To me it just proves that we're truly meant to be together. Oh...

Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he would have made me John Travolta. Peter, I'm really tired, okay? Just give the bed a try. There you go. Good night, Peter. I can't sleep like this, Lois. I need someone to cuddle with.

Come on, Stewie. Let's go home. Hmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state right now, Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy. Well, Jesse, I guess we got to find some other way to spend our evenings.

Just please don't tell them. Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride... and a little more about the creepy-crawlies... shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot. Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

ANNOUNCER: Coming this fall on Fox, a new reality show, Who Wants to Marry Corky from "Life Goes On"? You won't believe what happened. Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going?

It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint.

"'I can't hear you. "'You'll have to speak into the microphone.' "And God said, 'oh, I'm sorry. "'Is this better? Check, check, check.

Giggity Giggity Giggity! (SQUEAKING) Well, of course, Bonnie. I'd love to help.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

You're acting ridiculous! You said the secret word!

Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share!

Oh, This is cute. Oh, my God.

Go on, Jesse. Make your peeps and poops. That's gonna feel good for Jesse.

English - US - Line 21

MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk.

Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these?

Humina-humina-humina!

You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno. Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress. MAN: This has been a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you. You're my brother and you'll always be my brother. I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? Yeah. I'm afraid so. Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No! I think I can hear the ocean. Smell it, too. All right, what do I do? Wait a minute, what did I do before? That's all I have to do, right,

Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog, and we're here with their reactions. Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and... And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back.

So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid. Oh, my God! Everybody, this is Joan. Hi.

(CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels!

(PETER FARTING) Death! Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz.

(DOGS BARKING) Oh, we did it! Your plan worked, Joe!

summer, winter, or fall No, never would I leave you at all BravO!

Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Well, Looks like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon.

Too much passion Too much play

(UNZIPS) (BEEPS)

Oh, my God. It's like he's saying everything I'm listening to. That's right. The government wants to tell you what foods to eat. (ALL BOOING) And what church you can go to. (ALL BOOING) And that you can't own a chimpanzee because you're not responsible enough. (ALL BOOING) I would feed it!

(GRUNTING) (CRYING) I always knew one day this would happen. We will never forget you, but you're better off here. Why are we dragging this out? It's 6:30. Go ahead, Peter. Go on! Be with your own kind!

Oh, What are you gonna do to me? As soon as your husband gives me what I want, you're free to go. (PETER) Anybody home? Peter! All right, Gibson. I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness. Where's the film? Come on, honey, let's get out of here. Peter, You're just gonna give him the film?

You told her I told you I kissed her?

Look, Lois, don't make a big deal about it.

You're saving my life. Well, you saved mine. And, hey, we... We had a lot of good years together, right? Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.

Why did I say yes? They aren't even mentioned in the song!

Probably because you're so fat. Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. That check is obviously an oversight. Not necessarily. Maybe I'm like their one millionth customeR. What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week? Um, Yeah. On what? Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. NARRATOR: The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit. Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead.

Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS. Engine status? Nominal. Fuel supply? Full. Air Supply? Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums, Look out testicles, here I come!

Hey, guys, has anybody seen James? Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this. Who want little tiny tacos?

Okay, yeah, see you in a few minutes, big hero.

None of them be missed That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby. I brought Stewie into this world. It's time for me to take him out. How the hell are you gonna do...

Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open!

Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids. Oh, yeah? Watch this. No!

(PHONE RINGING) Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman. Hey, Laronda. No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.

All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

You were Griffin Peterson, the founder of the city of Quahog. Now, wait a second, Cool Runnings. We learned in school that Miles "Chatterbox" Musket founded Quahog after he was saved by the magic clam. No, that is a myth. Peter, you were the founder of Quahog.

and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready? (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God! (LAUGHING) These guys are hilarious. They do so much funny stuff. Hey, you know what? We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home.

Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE!

I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts. Holy cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Hey! What are you kids doing here? You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week. What? Never mind. Hey, you guys wanna see something? Grab a beer and follow me.

Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my... Oh, my God, Peter!

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAM) (CAR CRASHING) Goodbye, terrible women.

Do you want to split a Toblerone? Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. Next stop, my thighs!

Microphone? He's wearing a wire.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

All through the town (VOCALIZING) (EERILY) Peeper...

- Last week, she lost a tooth. - Really? But man, I'll tell you, all that purging just makes her body look fantastic. I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and so many of them just look so great. (JILLIAN RETCHING) Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.

When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered.

It's time for spring cleaning. Spring cleaning?

Uh, Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. Thank you. Now, your turn. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

Is there anything else we should know about? - Oh, have you not heard? - Heard what? A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-Bird's the word, a-well-a... All right, now the prosecution is about to show you items pertinent to this case that have been entered into evidence.

We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation Your friends want to go fishing with you This song is from childhood? Live to see tomorrow October 31, 2011

Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married.

Plutonium at the farmers' market? Yeah, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think globally, buy locally. Hey, slut, get me out of this.

Philadelphia, PA CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets of Brazil CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Back in the USSR CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street

"I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, "when she let out a fart right near my face. "So I took her head and stuck it by my butt "and blew a huge fart right back at her." Oh, uh, That laugh's in here, too. See? "Ha ha ha ha ha."

I don't believe this.

But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass? Boy, that'd be satisfying. Well... Why not? What do you mean?

Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep. (LAUGHING)

Their treachery has precipitated the downfall of history's most powerful men!

Is this your card?

You can have as many as you want. They're free.

Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

(HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. (SIGHS) Wait. Is it?

You know, next time I'd put paprika in the potato salad, and maybe add an extra tomato to thin out the gazpacho, because it's very thick. Who the hell is this bitch?

Okay, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, all right? You're doing this thing, which is just, you know.... What the hell is that?

I never got to wear it better!

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, look at this place. It's a world run by dogs.

Nothing. Yes, you were. You were putting something in my drawer. What's this? (SIGHS) Look, Meg, I know you've been having a hard time lately, so I wanted to give you something that means a lot to me. MEG: Oh, I remember this. This was the trip our family took to the Cape. Ugh. It was miserable.

I will. Um... My name is Greg, and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Greg. One fateful night, I got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind drunk. I was responsible for the death of an innocent 8-year-old girl. What kind? What? What kind of car?

But, Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings. They're inside you. What you call God is inside you, all of us. And I just hate to see people hating and killing each other over their own interpretation of what they're not smart enough to understand. You see what I'm saying? Oh, I do, Brian. And I think I know just what to do. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Morning, Rush. Hey, thanks again for letting me stay here. Oh, it's not really any trouble, Brian. What do you figure, just a few days? Man, who knows? It's just so good to be out of there. Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you. I mean, what is going on with this country? I mean, wake up, America.

To be honest, I don't remember a thing, except how much I love the Michael Jackson Thriller video. Boy, could that guy dance. Guy dance? Guidance! Source programmable guidance! We can reprogram and disarm the missile from here. From here? Well, our arms would have to be 40-feet long, Dan. No, yutz, not from right here. We go over there and do it.

That's why the man's gonna put me down.

(STAMMERING) I don't understand. Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy! That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A--

(GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

I hope you like it.

Sex.

Quagmire! Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!

(ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room. Oh, Chris!

(BRIAN SLURPING) (SNIGGERS) I think Brian's getting a little water in there. Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?

I have some demands. Of course, of course. Nobody can ever know. Absolutely. I'm right there with you on that one.

STEWIE: What is this? There's something wrong with the house. I don't like change!

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.

Peter, take a look at your daughter. Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. It was 20 years ago. I'd never even heard the word "rubber"....

I think you'll find that with God's love and a true belief, all manner of miracles are possible. Look, I'm a churchgoer, too, but sometimes prayer isn't enough. He needs professional medical care. You know, Lois, this couch would be perfect for one of your red wine pass-outs. Look, we appreciate your concern, Lois,

(BRIAN SCREAMING)

Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out ok. Really? Who's Debbie Miller? A girl I just made up. Oh, Look. Here they are. My family. you know, Guys, I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. High 5! Anyone? Anyone?

BOTH: Awesome!

And why am I holding a dinner platter that says "McCain-Feingold"? (LAUGHING) That's pretty good. That's funny. You don't get it. No, no. I totally get it. Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax"

Last stop. What? This isn't the airport. (DISTANT GUNFIRE) Oh, my God, Rupert! We've got to get out of here! Aw, damn it! WOMAN: Oh, no, no. Baby fall down! Is that... Is that Consuela?

No one dances like Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire.

Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing. I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Peter, I know what you're doing. I'm just gonna look at something. PETER: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh! What a very interesting thing. Brian, can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this Abercrombie & Fitch catalog? What do you want to order? Oh, wait, let me guess. Him.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) JOE: Open up, Brian. It's Joe. (STAMMERING) Crap! Just a sec. Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests. I need some urine. You mean right now? Yes, right now. Here's some magazines to get you going.

Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me. Yeah? How'd that go? Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world.

and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. You don't really think I'm like that, do you? Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic.

You know what? Here. It's yours. No, No. really. I insist. Peter, I'm gonna be killed! Does that mean nothing to you? Of course it does. It means everything to me. Oh, God! What have I donE? I'm not marrying you! I'm not marrying you, you spoiled guinea... Whoops.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) But it checks out. Wait a minute. Skywalker's on that ship. You can sense him? No, he's right there. They're not going for it, Chewie. Everybody, they're not going for it. This is failing. Luke, take this gun. You shoot me, I'll shoot you.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.

Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that?

What? What's that? It really isn't? Oh, Rupert, touche! Hoisted by my own petard. I am so alone. Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat?

Oh, oh, look! There we go! Oh! Look at them jostling each other around! Oh! They give each other a hard time, but they're friends. Is that a real show?

Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable!

See, look at this... Oh, boy! All right, hang on, hang on.

Because, Chris, as Americans, we owe our lives to these veterans. Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience." (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President!

All right, gentlemen... let's see how Glenn's private date with Brooke is going. Hey, Brooke, what do you say, we get you some more champagne? Sure. All right.

He said he's put together a very special surprise, just for me. MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!

Absolutely. But how do you intend to escape? You leave that to us. Come on. Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY PLAYING)

Follow me. Hey, Quagmire, uh, you ever been to Atlantic City before? Once, about 20 years ago. Why? All right! All right! All right! All right! Hey, are you Tanya? Yeah. Who are you? A guy who's looking for Bobby Briggs. Where is he?

Leave fart in closed car like a dick. BRIAN: Sorry about that! All right, they're probably holding her below deck. You take the right side. I'll take the left.

Ooh. The bond is broken! Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!

Oh, my God. I am so sorry. Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance. Oh... Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house.

There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?

Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people. Hey, Meg. What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time? Yeah, no, I'm havin' a good time.

- Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip.

All right. Let's do it! PETER: It worked! (GRUNTS) Let me go! Let me go, you bastards! You're all gonna pay for this! Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you.

You idiot! This is your fault. My fault? You were the one chasing me. You were the one reading my diary. LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right?

No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate. He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

(GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

Pot helps.

Aah! And Cleveland, you're the boss because of your attention to detail l-l-Like when we play pool, you take so long to line up your shots I just want to crack you with a cue stick. But I don't because that would be a hate crime and I love ya. And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none were half the man you are.

This was such a great idea for a weekend activity. Well, I thought it'd be good to get out of the house. I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard. Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.

This'll be great, Quagmire. A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate your first night without a baby. Yeah, Peter. This is great. I feel like myself again. I'll tell you, my life was so dominated by that baby. I'm glad she's gone. Yeah. You know, sometimes you just got to make a decision and go with it. Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement.

Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see. I can't believe Brian's dead.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.? Wait a minute, something did happen last night.

Transmission commencing. Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid. Vader's on that ship. Don't get jittery, Luke. There's a lot of command ships. Keep your distance, though, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance. How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, fly casual!

lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy

Hey, you made it! And you brought a friend. Great. I'm his wife, Lois. We actually met the other day. Oh, sorry, I meet so many people. But there's really no way you could know that. Yeah, she's a housewife, she don't know.

It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head.

So is this it? This doesn't seem very fun. This is the best part, Meg. Now we put on sunglasses and ride with the sun at our side while we listen to a seemingly deep, but actually nonsensical song by The Byrds.

I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam. Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it. (ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night.

I guess we could all adjust to this. Look! I'm making an angel! See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. Now, smile while I write my name in you.

and I'd been swimming in a pool with too much chlorine, and that was the hour my glasses were at Lenscrafters but I seen that fish! Well, If there's $50,000 in it, I don't think I got a choice. Well, You can whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50. No, no. We covered that.

Huh! It's not like Chris to miss breakfast. Oh, don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be home later. Well, I hope so. We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks. Oh, Heathcliff. Oh, come on! I want so little.

Just do something, anything! Look, look, I'll do it. I'll do it first. Look, I'll do it even worse. Look how hurt I am. We're even now!

(PANTING) PETER: Hey, Stewie. Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh!

Giggity. Giggity.

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

Uh, uh, Let's see. Uh... Hey, that was pretty good. But when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just "Me llamo Brian." Oh, You speak English. No, Just that first speech. And this one explaining it.

He said you liked Hitler, and your name isn't really Gutentag. Oh, Chris, you can't always believe what you hear. For example, everybody thinks that prostitution is illegal, but there are ways around it. All right, let's do it. Both of you are under arrest for prostitution. It's not prostitution.

(SHOTGUN COCKING) Well, well. A trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happened to me since... (GASPS) You wouldn't! It's up to you, Peter. Either you leave now, or I set up one of your random flashbacks. All right, all right, all right. Okay. Peter, what do you care... No, no, Brian, he's serious.

Knock it off. I don't like it any more than you do.

And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

What the... What the hell is this place?

You know, guys, I've been thinking. We need a new fourth guy for our group. We're a man short, like Statler without Waldorf.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory.

I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room! Hello, Mother.

Ah! Ahh! ow!

Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor. That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food?

No! I think I can hear the ocean. Smell it, too. All right, what do I do? Wait a minute, what did I do before? That's all I have to do, right, is duplicate the circumstances, but do it the opposite way. All right, I was standing right here,

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain Could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messing With the fellows at the freakin' FCC And if you find yourself

Somebody's in the closet!

And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

I like your hat. Can't get out that way. Oh, Found the emergency exit. 1967 was the same year that Thurgood Marshall was named to the Supreme Court of the United States.

Oh, yeah? How much are you charging them to get out?

So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg.

(STATIC BUZZING)

You leave her to me. Come on, honey. He's been having accidents. Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready.

Well, as I said, Mrs. Griffin, he's on a list, but there are a lot of people ahead of him. Well, what are the chances of getting him moved up the list? Honestly, not great. It could be months before he can get a transplant. Unless you know someone who's a compatible organ match and would be willing to donate one of theirs. I'll do it. He could have one of my kidneys.

He doesn't look very black to me. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there with you. You ain't been there. I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side. Oh! Oh! Hallelujah! Those were happy times! But-- But-- But I was also there for the bad times.

Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump

Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah!

(SQUEALING)

So hats off to both of us.

Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about? - Oh, God, yes. - Oh, my God. Quagmire, shut up. We're here.

(SIGHS) "Mary, would you like to..." Without the sigh in front of it, please. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm! "We don't even know anybody there!" You see, she's a real spitfire, this girl. Now, you got to bring that out or else I have nothing to react to. Oh, my God! Please don't show Mom! He told me that's what a head shot was.

Shall I put you down for two, Brendan? Brian. Ryan. - Brian. - Mitchell. What? Goodbye. Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake and the guy wants to know how old Meg is. I didn't know what to tell him. You're asking me? Yeah, how old is Meg? Well, I don't know. Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were the one keeping track of that. No, no, I have no idea.

You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past. Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies.

Well? We're waiting.

Fine! Fire me! I'm through being harassed by you! You know, this is awful timing, but I remembered part of the reason I came over was 'cause my cousin is looking for a job at the brewery. I'll just put his resume under the door.

Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still. Check it out. Hey, Margaret tha-- Ugh! What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved. No. That's just our women.

"Ha ha ha ha ha."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious?

Oh, my God, that was so much fun. You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas.

by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow.

Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again. "Lovely weather we're having." Now you try. It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?

Hey, hey, that's more like it! Where'd you get the threads? We went to Barney's. I heard that's where all the famous people shop for skinny-leg jeans. Whoa! These are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on! Brian, Frank, meet Dakota and New Bedford.

Okay, Mort, now, if you want to get more customers in your pharmacy, you're gonna have to do a promotion, like... Like, "Buy one, get one free." What? Buy one, get one free. Huh? Buy one... Yeah, I get that. Get one free. Is that, like, a Spanish word? No, it's English. The whole thing's English.

Would you give me a hug for luck? No, no, no, I'm not done yet. Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly? I'm sorry, Karina.

Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

What? That's not true. I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter. Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going.

Lois, you weren't there. It was awful. Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories. "My drinking ruined my marriage." "My drinking ruined my family." "My drinking ruined my TV show, 24."

The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder. Good night, Stewie. If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands. Itell you....

System off. Splendid.

No, I'm not done drawing! (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Peter. Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible. Oh, I didn't get any sleep. Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois.

I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley. We women have so much strength inside us.

I don't have any sweat glands.

Brian should be allowed to see his puppies! Peter, think about what you're doing.

Hello, Lois.

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING)

Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. - Say "whip". - Whip. - Now say "Cool Whip". - Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're eating hair!

Oh. Hey, you know who'd look funny wearing one of those? - The Monopoly guy. - (LAUGHS) Correct. Go directly to jail and convert to Islam. (LAUGHS) 'Cause they do that. Yes, that is what I intended. Hey, you're all right, Mahmoud. You, too, Peter. So, what do you wanna watch? Well, if you turn on Channel 14,

I have never been more in love with someone than I am with you right now. Oh, Michael, I love you, too. And I have some wonderful news. I'm not pregnant. BOTH: What? (DOOR SLAMS) Dad, I'm sorry about this whole mess.

Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris. Yeah, but I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to. Oh, God! Coconut!

(SIGHING) Oh, Rupert! Thank God you're alive! I'm ready now. I'm ready to get off the pill. I think we should start trying.

Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ! Excellent, excellent!

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl. Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, Does that make me a bad person? Yes, Yes it does make you a bad persoN.

Seems like I've run out of waiting time. But it looks like Nicole Ritchie's baby is gonna be just fine. Also in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking with less than 19 hours to go before our planet is consumed by an expanding black hole.

I'm asking, did you see the DVD frat house edition with all the uncensored footage and the interview with Ryan Reynolds? No. Well, that's all part of mastering the Force, man.

Hey, buddy, you can't go in there. (PANTING) Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten thousand signatures. I've been up for 24 hours, I paid off a few people and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of.

What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt.

(AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL PLAYING) Oh, my God. Rush Limbaugh was right all along.

But I... (KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you.

That would be sweet!

Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Sorry about that. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh?

Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye. Are you gonna take that? Lois! What? Oh, Brian. I waS just, uh, Ah.. I was seeing if the, uh, driveway...

(GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.

Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.

Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no!

Well, we almost have enough signatures, thanks to Quahog's gay district. Lois, how'd you like to be signature number 10,000? - Brian, I can't sign this. - Why not? Well, because I don't believe in gay marriage. You don't believe... Lois, that's ridiculous. Gay people have every right to get married. Well, they certainly have every right to be together,

So that's Toad Girl, huh? Yeah. And that's Connie. I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids.

I have to ask you something. What is it, Lois? Well, Peter and I have hit a snag in our marriage. I won't go into details. But it turns out that the only way to make things right seems to be... It... It's, uh... Oh, boy, what's the best way to say this?

My house arrest is over, Brian. Round up the guys. Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want. The guys only want to do one thing. And that's ogle your wife. If Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again, I'm the jealous type.

Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants? Hey, Meg, what's with all the beer cans? My dad got a job at the brewery and he gets lots of free beer.

No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides. Why are-- Why--

We're in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)

And this is Peter. Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What are you feeding this gal, huh? Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off? It's a pleasure, Peter. My daughter is quite taken with you. And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at this, huh? Show us front and back there, Lois. Yeah, Don't think I don't know where that comes from.

Whatever it is, it's not right on the teleprompter. MAN: There it is. We're gonna do Sting, yeah. There's no words there. "To play us out." What does that mean? "To play us out." To end the show? MAN: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Go! Go! MAN: In five, four, three... That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a...

Holy smokes, I've got to do something. All right, Lee.

Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes? We don't need guns! We need food and water! I have a canker sore on my lip! And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's only making it worsE! Look, There's a reason I'm in charge here, all right? I'm the one who knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town.

(MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled! Oh, my God! Yeah, but don't worry. It ain't your brother. He's still locked up in that asylum. Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit.

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha! Very well. But I am not really your father, Ha ha! ah!

and I didn't realize it until it was too late. (HORN HONKS) Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home!

What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's, she hadn't eaten anything in a year. WHoo! I am such a bitch!

Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. (FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6. Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. No, Dad. I don't want to. Come on. It'll be funny. (SIGHS)

Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Peter, how come you're not at work? I got fired for being an illegal immigrant. Oh, dear. You know, Peter, you can always take a citizenship test.

There she is! Hurry! (TIRES SCREECHING) Stewie, what are you doing? We'll never catch a speeding car on foot. Haven't you ever seen an action movie? All we have to do is cut diagonally across any nearby field. (BRAKES SQUEALING) See? (TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey, what's in there? Oh, I'm sorry. That's off-limits. Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, I have to go to the bathroom for about 30 minutes, as I eat a lot of meat. Please give me your word that you won't go in that door.

Or laid. Right, frat house? Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) (SCOFFS) Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore. You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it! Well, great, I should probably get some sleep.

Yeah, you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp. Get to the chopper. All right, everybody got your bowling shoes? Everybody got your balls? I don't have my shoes.

but I know he only accepted that money because he... Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh,

Look, you're very sweet, but I have to save myself. For who? There's only 30 people in the whole world and you're related to half of them. I can't believe how hard you're making me work.

BABS: It was one of those lovely, warm summer days by the shore. Perfect giant beach ball weather. Would you like another John Barrymore and soda? Ah, yes. Thank you, Clarence. How are things in Terriblehood? Terrible, sir. Good, good. You dumb bitch!

Back to the phone company the record stores, too Well, they're nothing like Billy and me 'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun (MOOS) I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun

Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife. JOE: He'd met Bonnie. (SCREAMING) Briggs got away, and I've been in this wheelchair ever since. I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel.

All wings, check in.

I mean, ifl was offered a slave, I'd say no. By the way, Bonnie... we just finished reading The Da Vinci Code at my book club. You were right. It's terrific. Let me guess. Some flowery, 300-page, menopausal masturbatory aid.

Look at her. She looks so happy. Almost like she belongs there. They look like a real family. I can't take her away from this.

(CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it! - Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone!

Quilters! Advance! (ALL SHOUT) (JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much! (SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt.

(TRUCK HORN HONKING)

Why, you little...

Yeah? Now, put these shoes on.

We're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis. (HISSING) Don't look right at it. My STDs help it burn brighter. The keys are in the ignition. Let's go! (ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis. You say that about everybody.

Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop!

How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention? But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-aggressive bitch.

Okay, that one might have been more of a visual, but you feel that feeling you got right now? That's satisfaction. You just read something. And no one can take that away from you. Proud of you.

Oh, my God! Mom, look. They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall. Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie?

Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes. I think that's bogus. I don't think we have much in common. You watch NCIS? Yes, sir. Yes, I do. CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though.

Well, you know, They're not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna get 'em back. My father wasn't there for me, but damn it I'm gonna be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!

Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.

Time to be bad! Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they'll come get you. But Dad, the T.V.'s back on. What do you know? Ok, let's go. Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family.

I never wanted to let you down. Well, I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me. And then stopped believing in me rather abruptly. So what do you say? You ready to go back to where we both belong? Yup. Let's go home. Sounds good. Hey, check out this picture James Woods texted me.

I'm too nervous. They're celebrities. You talk to them. (SCREAMING)

I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet. That's so good to hear. I want to like her. She's so funny. I want her to also be nice. Could you tell us some stories about her? Of course I can. Right after I show you how to make homemade root-beer popsicles. (ALL LAUGHING)

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it? Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope.

(EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion. Thank you, Tricia. After the interval, find out which 12 football teams tied tonight. The Queen's coming to Billingsbury? That's bloody sweet! You know, I'm actually a relation of the Royal Family. You most certainly are not. Where would you get that idea? Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor.

Wow! I had heard about the Holocaust, but I never believed it till right now. I have to ride that ride. Peter, come on, they're not going to let you ride that ride either. You're overweight. I'm not overweight. I'm under tall. Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives.

(BED THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS) Listen to that. Poor kid, banging her headboard into the wall out of frustration and loneliness.

Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right. Hi, boys. I didn't have my hands down my pants. Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section.

Women are conditioned to feel competitive with other women when we should be supportive. Lizzie, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your husband left you.

Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money. "0, Captain! my Captain!" No, you're actually misunderstanding. "0, Captain! my Captain!" Well, if it works for you, I guess.... "0, Captain! my Captain!" What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "0, Captain! my Captain!" In your case, I'd get the money up front.

Well, you made it, Peter. You're a big shot. In charge of a whole bunch of people. Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes, please. PEGGY: Yes, Mr. Griffin. Well, buddy, you're in love with Peggy. What a mess.

How would we do that? Hang on. Hey, Quagmire! Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What? You busy right now? No, I got a hand free. What's up? Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again? I... Possibly. I mean, in what context? Well, we're trying to make Cleveland see that she's no good and that he can't trust her,

Peter, we gotta go home right now! Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so.

All right, Chrissy. Here we go.

Meg, put down the gun. Brian, get back in the car! Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know?

Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch. May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card? (LAUGHS) Hey, Lois. Diamond Jim Brady over here just asked if we accept the Discover card. LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive club called "anybody."

We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while.

And that'll be our lives.

Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all!

(SNORING) Oh, crap. Stewie!

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power. Great, rolling blackouts. Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power. And they cost me my job. Mine, too. Superstore USA has their own paper route.

Is there any more coffee?

Okay, everybody, time for paintball. I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared.

and you don't know anything about running a big business. Whoa, whoa. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story. (MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)

None of this makes any sense. Everyone got invitations, from an anonymous source,

(GIGGLING) So, it's over? That seems unlikely.

Sorry, I'm late. I had a meeting over at NBC about Joey. Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today. Not according to my paperwork. Says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I got to tell you, I always thought it would be rectal trauma. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing?

No!

Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING) (SPITS)

Hey... Hey, where's that pinky going, huh? Where's he going? What's he doing? Get back here. There you go. Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank.

All right, I got him, Lois. Peter, what the... That's not Scotty! That's Ben! Oh. Well, you know, we ain't known this family that long. I'm still learning everybody's names. Damn it, put him back and go get Scotty, the baby! Okay, so I'll go get the baby, and while I'm doing that, maybe you do something about that snatchy tone.

(THINKING) Ah! This is great. I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it. Predator Versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen. Where's a pen?

When we were married, your father made me conceal the fact so he could get into country clubs. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do, dear. Oh, my God. So Grandma Hebrewberg is actually Jewish? Yes. When she moved to America, her family changed their name. It was originally Hebrewbergmoneygrabber.

Peter-- Kichwa! I'd like to have a word with you. Peter, I think-- Kichwa!

and lots of parking in the rear. Get it? Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig!

So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well, game on, quahog. I'm beating you!

You think he's here? God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here.

"Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

No! Jeffrey,

StoP! Ow! Ugh!

(MOANS)

JEEz. A week at a women's retreat. What the hell am I supposed to learn from that? Well, face it, Peter. Your attitude towards women isn't exactly enlightened.

So, in the bear world are, like, pandas your version of interracial children? Yeah. Pandas aren't something I agree with. They're cute, though, right? Just when they're babies.

I suppose I'm not either. I guess none of us are perfect. Boy, do I feel like a jerk. Me, too. I think we owe you an apology, O.J.

What the hell? No, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.

I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award.

Hey, where've I had another date.? You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on. Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. So, I'm a Leo and your ad said that you're a Cancer? No, actually, it said I have cancer. Not cancer of the vagina, is it? Here, have some more wine.

I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

Where's your father? He's still down in the basement. Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh!

(ROARING) (SOLDIERS CHEERING) Guys, guys, guys, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I think that was me.

Jeez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha! ALL: Hi, Jenny. Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night. I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person.

(FARTING CONTINUES)

(YELLING)

Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there. You're a monster. You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976. Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record?

Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind the curtain of the V.I.P. room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'cause most of them are already dead inside.

Hmm. Nothing.

Ahh!

What is that, punch? Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick. Yup. That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed!

that's what it would look like. Walk inside with me, Brian. This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome! That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian.

A much better idea than when I did magic for the blind. Is this your card? I don't know. Was it a red card? I don't know what red is. Ta-da. You know what's amazing, Lois?

to teach me how to whine and do my taxes

Dad! What are you doing? All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt for about three weeks. What the hell? That there's my steer, Griffin.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you. Thank you very much. PETER: You're welcome. For this next song, I'm gonna need some help from a member of the audience. So, let's see. What's your name? Claire. No, I don't like that. What's yours? Harriet.

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party.

(LOUD CHEERING) Well, what do you think of that, Lois? You still mad at me now? Peter! I feel great!

Chris, where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit. - You traitor! - That's a doozy. I bet some of those awful kids at school call you zit-face. - No. - Pop-a-zit. - No. - Puspeak. - No. - Fat ass?

They don't respect you. What do you mean?

Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby. (WAILING) Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl.

Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide! I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich, whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny!

Happy birthday, sweetheart. Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake? Whoa! What planet is this? It's not a... Peter, its Earth. It's a globe. You use it to learn where the countries are. You gave me an educational toy?

But this Saturday is the Pewterschmidts' annual "Bring all your cash and put it in our safe" party. Considering the guest list, there could be as much as $40 million. But we only need $20,000. (SIGHS) All right, look, I'll be honest with you. My father-in-law has treated me like crap for almost 20 years,

Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage? And now the real reason to have an HDTV. NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.

Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery.

Thanks, Brian. I saw that you opened my birthday Evite. Now I just need you to go ahead and reply. I'm standing here at the home of the Griffin family,

John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John? You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other.

Oh. I thought Paris would be a bit more picturesque. Instead it's just traffic and some big guy using a jackhammer.

Oh, damn! I'm a monster!

What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer?

You suck! See you in 3 days. Let's go.

We'll have more on these new developments after this.

And you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint. I dated Jillian just to hurt you. It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out, like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends. Yeah, maybe.

Uh, e-Excuse me, sir. Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely. My friend here is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly. And I'm of a different species. You're hired.

and learn to accept your father for who he is now.

I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean. All right, past. Here I come.

Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again?

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Aah! Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What the hell are you doing here? It's a long story with some terrific performances, and a wonderful scene in A carnival, but I'll cut to the ending. I want to marry Lois!

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do two can be As bad As one it's the loneliest number since the number one You are a filthy whore.

I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television. I'm telling you, it's great, Bill. The only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here. My God! It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring! Let's take off our shoes and run home barefoot! Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say?

(JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING) Well, I have to get to work, Chris. I have tons and tons of dogs to incinerate,

This one's my favorite ornament. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas. Yeah, it was probably very moving and fictional. Jesus lived with us for, like, a week. What else do you need?

That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead? Uh, This last one won't open. Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit. Like, uh, Like this?

Oh, my God, it's going right through. I got to get better at shapes. Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us? Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning? You want to play with one of Daddy's socks? What... Do I want to... No! What an odd request.

Yay! Birthday!

Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Hi, everybody. It's me, Lou Costello. All right, what's the name of the guy we're looking for? Well, he's an Asian fella. Melvin Hu. - That's what I want to find out. - What? - The name of the guy. - Melvin Hu. - Are you a cop? You handling this case? - Yeah. Yeah. - Then what's the name of the guy? - Hu. The guy we're looking for. Hu. - The guy who's buried. - Hu. The guy with the bomb. Hu. - What street's he live on? - First. (BOMB EXPLODING)

Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you.

I'm glad you're here. Look, I pulled this all apart, and it looks like you're gonna need a new condenser. Really? A new condenser? Yeah, and I would also highly recommend a complete flush of your photon conversion system. I swear I just did that. Okay, well, how about this? Do you want me to just go ahead and do that while I'm replacing the new condenser?

In fact, you owe it to Bonnie to have sex with this woman. It's for the good of your marriage. Yeah, you should go for it, Joe. Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh. I have a CB radio in the basement. I go down there a couple times a week, have CB sex, Lois has no idea. Breaker, breaker, one-nine. What's your 20? (INDISTINCT SPEECH)

Meg! Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home. Oh, Sweetie. It's good to have you back. Hey, honey.

Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet." What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... (IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop? Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something.

All right, Dad! So, how do I look in my new glasses?

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom?

(MECHANICAL ECHOING) It's worse.

"They marked it down from $12 to three..." Whatever. I don't know how much rice is, but you know what I'm saying. Okay, Peter, I've got the directions. Head north on the turnpike. That's going to be the quickest route to Maine.

- It--It insists upon itself, Lois. - What? It insists upon itself. What does that even mean? 'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent! It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know, like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know, I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie. I've never even seen the ending. You've never seen the ending? Well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?

I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!

Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here! I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead.

Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off! Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

Careful. She could be hiding behind any one of these statues. Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph. Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off!

You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs.

Peter, this game night was a great idea. Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday... when we went to see The Vagina Monologues. So, in international news, no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden. So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly.

I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving? I don't know. It's always the same thing.

My kidney! I wanted you to have it. Oh, Toby, I love it! Thank you! Oh, this has been the best Valentine's Day ever.

I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me... not because you have to. Thank you, Neil. Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway...

We're never gonna get this float done in time for the parade. Pick up the pace, guys! Peter, your theme is a dud. Yeah. I've never even seen Who's the Boss? Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00, and home by 11:00. Oh! But I can't do it without you guys, because I'll tell you who's the boss.

Hey, Matt. Matt. Hey, is this another one of those movies where you're an educated Boston street tough? I don't have to take that crap from you, neck. You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die. You'll die if you do that. Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf? I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder.

Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.

Oh, I've got some pretty nifty plans, my camera-wielding friend. - Yeah? - That's right. Every Friday night, I'm a clearance-sale area rug. Boy, I hope somebody buys me. I'd look swell in their den.

Come on, you guys, let's go home! (ALL CLAMOR HAPPILY) Yeah! STEWIE: Is she letting him drive? Boy, I sure am happy to be back. Yeah, Peter, we thought we'd lost you for good.

What the hell was I thinking? I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do?

oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Isn't that cute?

It is similar to Jock Jams. It is Jock Jams. You guys, look, there's something up ahead. I think it's a person. Oh, my God, maybe they have food. Maybe it's a rescue team.

Sweet.

Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now? Look, my ears are ringing, my foot arches are hurting, and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes. Peter, you sound like an old fart. I thought you liked having a hot, young wife. Well, I did at first, but the novelty's worn off.

I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.

In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High. That's right, Tom. It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse. Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go black, you go deaf."

Wow! Look at all this cool stuff! Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd.

Action!

I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name! Well, I'm sorry honey but we don't think you should see him anymore. Oh, I hate the sound of her crying. You know what sounds even worse? Ah! Listen to that.

Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room. Does she still take the newspaper in there? Ugh, Yeah. And--and--And after she does, i--I just can't read it. Ohhh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We'd better get moving! Carol, you gotta relax. You Let that kid start calling the shots now, and you're screwed.

Bernice, we haven't really been dating long enough for you to be hanging out with my friends' wives. - Shut up, Cleveland! - Okay. (EXCLAIMS) Check it out, girls. Jukebox, huh? Hey, you guys want to dance? Yeah, totally. Hell, yeah. (WOMEN CHUCKLING) (I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING)

We never should have let you take on the pressure of being an adult. It's okay, Mom. Boy, I thought being a grown-up would be easier than being a kid, but it turned out it was just as hard. I guess what we all learned is that no matter who you are, or where you come from,

Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. And then there was that time at the ice cream store. Butter Rum's my favorite.

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)

And the nominees are Ron Jones,

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS VICTORIOUSLY) Destroy the planet Alderaan.

No, it's English. The whole thing's English. Oh, 'cause it seems like you're saying the first part in English and then some kind of made up phalumpf-phalumpf or something in the second part. I don't understand you. All right, let me try explaining it another way. Let's say we're at someone else's store and there's a sign and it says, "Buy one, get one free." Get one free? Wow! What store are you talking about?

Look, Lois, You wanted me to sell tickets, right? Well, People who never even been in a theater'll come see A show with Diane Simmons. I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter. Hey, hey. Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. Today's weather calls for, uh, breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... Get that... camera outta my facE!

All right, Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these beanbags. I don't know how to juggle-- God help you, Cloris! Juggle the beanbags!

Joe, please, can't we talk about this? There's nothing to talk about. I've outgrown you, Bonnie. I need to spread my legs and fly. (CAR HORN HONKING) Keep the kid. Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie? Out of my way, Peter!

(GRUNTING) What? My God, I... I think he's trying to talk to you.

Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse.

Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. - Hey. - Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. A-ha!

A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing. There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. I'd give anything to find it, though. Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out.

Give us a hot spoonful of your opinion. Okay, we have a question from Quahog. Caller, you're on The Lunch Hour. Can I take your order? STEWIE: Yes, I'll have a big helping of the pretentious crap. (LAUGHS) Whoa! Sometimes the crazy ones get through. Okay, we have Rose from Cranston on the phone. Welcome, Rose, can I take your order? STEWIE: (IN WOMAN'S VOICE) Yes, that turkey,

and still I have made no progress finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York Peppermint Pattie, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them. ...of being on a frozen mountaintop!

(GASPING) What the hell is your problem? Me? What did I do? You're the one going all Michael Hutchence over here. You just stay away from me, you psychopath. Hey. Ow! Look, I don't know what's going on here, but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe.

I'm gonna kick him right in the ball...gina? Peter, this is Naomi. Wait, you mean you two used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick!

No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own,

This family works much better when we're unified. You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Well then, giddy up. Great to be thIN. Yup. You know, uh, there's something I always wanted to do, Brian. But, uh, i--I could never do it 'cause I was so heavy. But, y'know, now--now that I don't weigh so much, i--I think I can. Could you--Could you help me do it, Brian?

Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

Well, that's not the point. Did you like the movie? Well, of course, I loved the movie, but, look, I'm no writer, but if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it. So, you didn't like the eagle. Well, no, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.

I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.

They always make promises they can't deliver. DJ ON RADIO: Playing the greatest rock-and-roll hits of all time! (WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING) See? Chris, turn that off. We have a lot of work to do before we go inside. (RADIO SWITCHING OFF) All right. If I'm gonna be seen with you, we have to do something about that look. Now, take that hat off.

Ha! Good point. Bottoms up! Take that, you lousy Brits!

Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here. Well, I'm off to serve food at the soup kitchen. Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you?

(BELCHING)

ahh! Ahh! Ahh! How! ANd Welcome to our casino, palefaces. Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on 2nd floor. Do you have reservations? Only about the veal! Aw, jeez, This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois! ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh...

Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close. (GASPS) Peter, look!

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID." Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy.

I started with one family of magic elves, and every year I needed more and more to keep up. Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind.

Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh?

Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out. (RETCHING) Whoa! When did Reese Witherspoon get here?

(PUNCHING)

Wait, what are you doing? Santa? You can't leave now! Hey, wait, buddy, buddy, we've been in line for, like, two hours. Sorry. I'm done. You want your kid to sit on my lap, meet me at the bar at Applebee's. That sucks. Sorry, Stewie.

YOu... You really let this family down. We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh!

It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society. But I'm gonna be different. I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done. (GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES PLAYING)

So how was work today, Meg? (RAZZING) Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

Peter! Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. Holy crap! You're one of them! Peter! Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors. Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar.

The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now? Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk.

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here.

Sorry, Peter. Sorry doesn't show me nipples worth seeing! And as for you, Anna, you're dreadful and so is the program. I didn't write it. Yeah, but you know the people who do. That Alan Ball, you know him, right? Yeah. How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode.

Chris, why don't you put these upstairs in your closet so we don't lose them? But the evil monkey lives in my closet. Of course, he hasn't been as evil since he became a Jehovah's Witness.

This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This portion of the Channel Five News at 6:00 is brought to you by Condoms. Put us on backwards a little bit, then put us on the right way. Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers. What? I just bought you new sneakers. I know, but I need cooler ones.

You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.

I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat. And that's why you like him so much. He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer,

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner. But I don't understand. The Army said you'd been killed in action. What happened?

Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop. Puppets. And I thought I'd seen everything. My name is Chris. Well, Chris, puppetry is a wonderful art form. You can create an entire world right before your eyes and watch it come to life. Wow. What's that one over there?

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! (GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that?

All right, on a normal night in the Pewterschmidt mansion,

on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry He's a family guy

Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!

(BABBLING) Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella. Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has?

Or a pilot. Or a deli owner. Ok, you dirtbags! This means war! Excuse us. We're having a small problem with home security. Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode?

All right, hang on.

Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix. Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah!

What the... Where am I? This is Straight Camp, Peter. I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for Lois. By the time you get out of here, you're gonna be back to your old self again. Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone. You're all here because you've made a choice to renounce your evil, sinful ways, and redeem yourselves in the eyes of your Lord and savior, Jesus Christ,

Oh, Don't be shy, my lambie-lamb. This is my study where I, I, study things that arouse my interest.

Peter, the water's rising fast!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat

And then forgets four seconds later that he ate it.

Mom, I can't eat. I'm too grossed out by Grandpa's ears. I know. They're like a big, gray enchanted forest. Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross. And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.

All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie.

Oh, yeah? Well... You have failed me for the last time. I can still breathe just fine. I know. - You're choking my... - Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.

I know. It's not your fault. (FIRMLY) I know. No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault. Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man. - It's not your fault. - Screw you! Cut it out, man! It's not your fault. (SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard.

aah!

Not really. Well, then, this has been an absolute misfire. Oh, this is just awful. James Woods is destroying this family, and all just to get back at Peter. I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does. Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg.

"Your friend, Stewie." Well, I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening. Sorry to bother you. If it's any consolation, I would never have stood you up. Well, I guess that makes you one of the rare ones nowadays. Your husband's a lucky guy. Divorced. Oh. Well, at the risk of humiliating myself once again, I still have a reservation.

Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE!

but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

But I remember it so-- It was a dream! Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip? Sure, sweetheart. Meg, you have a wart! Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house? It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend. See, it was lunchtime...

Or else! Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though.

Oh, boy. Can I close my eyes? No, eye contact the whole time and a lot of kissing. Well, how about Megan Fox's head on Leonard Nimoy's body? I know, somehow that's better. The hybrid organism exists as I've described it. How many units are in the condo? - Thirty-two. - Tile roof or shingles? Yeah, 'cause it makes a difference what you're carrying up that ladder. - Wait, whose neck is it? - Huh?

You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it!

What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Okay. So, anyway, I'm on approach into Lambert Field in some of the worst turbulence I've ever flown through.

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

There they are! Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands. I know. And maybe that's why he ended up in my hands. The Lord can't do everything, you know? Blasphemy! Heresy!

All right, are you ready for this? Okay. Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie? Uh... Yeah. Yeah, I'd probably do it. Hang on, hang on. Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else.

(ANNOUNCER) Sessions presents, a Peter Griffin Christmas. Featuring such standards as...

What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? I swear to God, Peter! You call her "Lois." Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. Yes, yes, Yes. you cook very slowly. As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd--

Well, this is pretty awkward.

You gonna eat that stapler? You can't eat a stapler-- Wanna split it?

Welcome to Shawshank Prison. I'll be your warden.

Are you ready?

Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman. You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while.

We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense. Hmm! How fun! Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

Brian, you really seem to be enjoying your wine lately. It's only my 2nd glass.

Mr. Griffin, this is impressive. I've never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, That's what you voted for. Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there. Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! Hey, That's mine, my-- Shaft. There might be a mineshaft under this library.

No, thank you. I just had it cleaned. No. Ah, Jeez. All set, sir. I don't have any change. Sorry. Oh, That's ok. No charge.

Come on! What are you-- What are you people, stupid? Ah!

Then you'll all do as I say. Hi. Well, hello there. Yes, that's right, cry.

And I sure as shoot don't want your kid hanging around with my kid. And if you think I'm mad now, you got to answer to them Civil War survivors! Yeah. That's right. Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag!

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois?

You just earned yourself a trip to the pound! Who the hell do you think you are? Brian! Brian, do something. Look, I'm sorry about this. Let me just pay the fine or whatever and I'll make sure this doesn't happen again. You can pick him up tomorrow. Oh, okay. Just bring a trash bag.

I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world. Yet. So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen or even matter. - Yes, that's correct. - So it was sort of like a dream. No, it was a simulation. Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish,

Hello, friends. if you're watching this, I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed.

Scratch-and-sniff. "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging." (SCRATCHING) (SNIFFS) Oh, God! That's terrible! Oh, here's a pop-up book. "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."

Breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house. This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool! Wait. What are you doing? They're sleeping in here.

It's like trying to give my cell phone number to the housekeeper. Okay, I'm expecting a very important delivery at the house. So, could you please call me if it arrives? I'll give you my cell number. Okay. Yes. No problem. Give me number. Okay. 401-555-1125. Four...

(TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)

Maybe you should put that back.

I'm so nervous. You're gonna do great. Remember everything I taught you. Let's start by going down Main Street. Ok.

But there's really no way you could know that. Yeah, she's a housewife, she don't know.

I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of Pulp Fiction. No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise.

Peter, this is ridiculous. We came here to take Chris home. Why are we staying? Because I'm tired of being treated like crap at work. Don't you see what this means to me? I'm somebody here. Finally, a white man has an opportunity to be rich and in charge. Hey, Pesci, here's a nickel. Say Yugoslavia. Yugoslavia.

Which one of you is the lucky bride? What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time!

Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed. Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here!

I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back.

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you!

Well, well. Do you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm.

Maybe we should've jumped on that truck. Stewie and Brian are taking a train home. Jeez, Can we not talk about curtains for 2 seconds? I got another one of those relationship tapes. $49.95? That's 3 times as much as the first onE. Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. I--I mean, nickels and boobs.

I... (SOBBING) Thank you, Quagmire. Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words. Horace owned The Clam for over 30 years. During that time, he touched all of our lives. He was a great bartender and a great friend.

PETER: So for the next 15 years, they raised a family in secrecy. Supper's ready! Come and get it, kids! You know the best part about being half-black and half-white? When I grow up, I'll be accepted by everybody. (GASPS) A-ha! Daddy! Just as I thought! Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this?

It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece.

it's illegal to disturb it. But He can't walk around with a bird in his beard. I'm sorry, You have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power! What is this? Spit Soup?

Somebody order a pizza?

Where's my money? Where's my money?

The competition.

Good morning, Lois. Wow, Peter, since when do you get so dressed up for work? Since I got tired of getting nowhere in this world, Lois. I have decided to do whatever it takes to become an executive. Well, it would certainly be great if you got a promotion. You'd earn more money, get better health insurance... Lois, I am doing this for the bathroom.

I need a friend, Brian, like I've never needed a friend before.

Oh, okay. Um... "Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q." Uh... A third "Q." And the Batman symbol. Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.

- Yeah? - I'll be there. Well, I think I'd better get going. Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going? Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going? All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way.

Hey, guys, check this out.

I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay

It's no use, this place is finished. Quagmire, go get the "For Sale" sign. Hey, Horace, what the hell's this? It's a karaoke machine. I never got around to installing it.

Volunteer work. Thanks, Bruce. You still have 13 more minutes. Oh. Do I? Hmm. I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist. Heh. Nice little body on her, huh? That's my daughter. Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Well, you're the only person I've ever told this to. Aren't you gonna say anything? Well, I don't know what to say. Wanting to kill yourself... Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you. How is that selfish?

I'm going in. Cover me, Porkins. Having a little trouble here.

I can't live without the country club. You did this, Peter! This is all your fault! I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years. It's choppier, it's more texturized. Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name? Well, now that you know how it feels, maybe you want to give him an apology. You went to Taki, didn't you?

Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.

PETER: Of course, back then, the South was a very different place than it is today. A backward place where they didn't believe in science and hated others just for being different. Time has a way of changing a place and its people. Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

Take it up with my butt, 'cause he's the only one who gives a crap.

Oh, thank... Wait. What? Paul, my boyfriend. Paul, this is Brian. Boyfriend? Oh, come on! I paid $800 for all this crap! You have a boyfriend?

What a big, boneless jerk I am! I might have screwed up my life... ...but there's no reason I got to keep screwing up theirs. Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world!

I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob.

So, Billy, I hope the couch was all right?

CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

You dick!

PETER: Oh, my God, Angela. That was... That was... That felt so good. ANGELA: All I want to do is please you, Griffin. Well that was a good idea you had dunking your hand in the toilet. Oh, my God! I wouldn't have sex with Angela! She's disgusting! Not when you're drunk, she's not. All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life.

Meg, get in the car, we're going home. I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore. Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car. Yes, Daddy.

Hey, there's another note. "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom..." Oh, that's the note from earlier. I need a file cabinet.

You're not welcome here! Go away! Wow, Chris. Did you lose weight? Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out. Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.

Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War! Your only chance of surviving this--this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography.

Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman. On my 25th birthday, your father surprised me by showing up... in nothing but a space helmet and moon boots.

I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Derek now. I see. And you really feel that way? Yeah. I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer. (PETER LAUGHS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, yeah, right. Definitely, yeah. Put a book down. Hey, so, uh, you've been seeing that girl Mary for some time now.

SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom! Not now! Okay.

Chris, did you hear? Some dog is going around town trying to get support for gay marriage. Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition. Really? Chris, you've got to destroy that petition. Why? Because if you do, I'll let you touch my boobs.

Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) CLEVELAND: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what?

Hey, Peter, you can't drink that outside. Y-You could end up in jail. And Not the good jail like on Cinemax. The "man" jail. Go back and pay the bill, Peter. You, uh, don't want to break the law. I can do whatever I want. Watch this. Oh, Now you're just being crazy. Hey, That's against the law!

It was Batman Meets... You got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you. And done. There it is, Stewie. Three hours, 27 minutes, and I've got myself one big steaming pile of book.

What the hell is Lois doing with another man? Is it possible she's a whore? Uh, you know, Just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? Uh, You know what? Let's just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire. I wish I knew what she was saying. I think I can help. Ah, Your wife and children are beautiful.

(WIND WHISTLES)

Whoops. Whoa-- Whoa. Hang on, Hang on. I gave you one with silverware in it. Take this one instead.

Oh, yes! I slam it, and you can suck it! Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!

and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

What, are you out of your mind? What about those fighters? I said turn us around! Turn the ship around Leia knows where Luke is Turn it upside down Take it back to Bespin

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man? Those mushrooms are messing you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this.

You can only play the piano when you're drunk. That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down, and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk. Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do. Practicing? What for? The competition. You're gonna be my first champion. Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.

I want you to get rid of all this right now, because I am never fighting again. Ever! Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan "B."

Who's there? Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Doggone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do? He's gorgeous, isn't he? I want to be the baby!

We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio. 2 minutes, uh, everybody. 2 Minutes.

All right, very funny, Stewie. What? What do you mean, what? You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke.

Everyone, I have something very important to tell you. Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? What? (LAUGHING) You always fall for that. You can't always fall for that. You just can't. Go ahead, Brian. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Quasimodo and Lumpy. I--I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn. Oh, Do me! Do me next! Come on, baby girl. Let's go to the park. Hey, Doc. What the hell are you doing here?

And I'll be your lover (SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

People, you are free! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

He's gonna kill me. He l-loved that lasso. He--he rea-- Not as much as the baton. But, uh, we--we put a--a stop to the baton. He--he was, He was different enough, y'know.

Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun. I should've stopped listening to you along time ago.

(MUTTERING GIBBERISH) (ALL LAUGHING) Chris Griffin's a freak! What a loser! I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore!

Ice cream for Dylan tonight. Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes. I'm telling you, Joe, he's as annoying as mosquitoes in the summertime. Can I come in there with you? There's light in there. No. Go away. Can I please come in?

Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me?

"Do you consider your career a disappointment? "Or rather, did you exceed your own expectations? "Yours truly, Peter Griffin. "P.S. You were in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. "Did you know that?" Hey, there's something here from the Nielsen Company. "Dear Griffin family,

Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school... make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what. Tomorrow you and I are gonna go out and get you some brand new outfits. Maybe a pair of those low-rider jeans that'll show off your cute butt, huh? Really? Wow, thanks, Mom.

Who the hell are you guys? We're the A-Team. Get off my property!

Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

Hey, Meg, I know how you like to let off steam once in a while, so I got you a journal. You got me a journal? Actually, I got you two of them, my right ear and my left ear. Fire away. Dear Diary, today at the school library,

(STEAM HISSING)

Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT?

followed by My Nose! A ha! Hold my purse! What's Mom doing? I'll tell you what she's doing. She's screwing up my 6-2 quinella. Damn it! My Nose in front, followed by Sea Biscuit, followed by Some Crazy Lady,

Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy.

He's a family guy

(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING) You may start your exams now.

Did you get down to the one at the bottom there? Which one? "On your mark, get set, terrible." No, this one here. "If you've got a problem, take it up with my butt. "He's the only one that gives a crap." - Oh, my God! That's it. - Yeah. That's the one. I thought you'd like... You are... LOIS: Peter, dinner. Take it up with my butt, 'cause he's the only one who gives a crap.

Just here. Give it to me. Ooh, That'll warm it up a little. Oh, That's nice. oh! Oh! Oh! Peter, wait till-- Shazam! Oh, Peter. ahh! Ahh!

(LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS)

Sweet.

Sure. See you then. Oh, my God! I'm in love.

MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit?

All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams,

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS) (SCREAMS)

Chuck, it's me, Morty. Yeah, 'cause we could... What? Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING) (SINGING)

Hey, Oogy! So tell us, Oogy, where did you find this one, huh?

(EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes.

Lois!

Wow, you're a big bird!

I mean, it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as, you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know? Just two good-looking guys sharing a cramped office, running the galaxy together, you know? Just getting the job done, you know? Maybe we... Maybe we'd do it occasionally, but it's not weird, you know,

World keeps on spinning. Yeah. Oh, no! Jenga, there it is. Well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga. Stewie, you're so cute, I can't even stand it. Thank you. I'm having a good time, too.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion.

Yup.

Oh, I know exactly where you're coming... Ow! It's in my eyes!

Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in. I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts. Wow! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're so cool! You're so awesome! You've checkmated my teenage cynicism! Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice clean rap.

Come on. You can do it. Feel the burn, Chris. FeEl ThE buRn. Ahh! Atta boy. All the way upstream, buddy.

Oh, come on, Lois. I hate that guy. I don't want to have dinner with him. Hey! It's cooked food in another house. That's exciting for life-over women like me. - We're going. - All right, fine. But I'm gonna stare at his wife's boobs so hard that when they both go into the kitchen together, it will be discussed.

Brian, look what I won. Wow, what'd you win that for? For having the best pig in the competition. - Wait, you bred a pig? - Sure did. Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists?

The problem is they pushed back and the results were not good. Mr. Pewterschmidt, we pumped your daughter's stomach and we found vodka, Rohypnol, a fair amount of DNA that is not her own and a class ring. Harvard? I think it was SUNY something. Oh! I don't want to hear anymore!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,

(MEG CLEARS THROAT) What? Oh, nothing. I was just clearing my throat. Good. I thought you were going to say something.

This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it.

Hey, everybody! Mr. Lassenbee's getting arrested! What in God's name? Mr. Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here? Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

Ok, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wifE. Ok. And where are we? A bar! A pet store! Guadalajara, Mexico!

So some of you ain't special I can tell you who is special Like you and you ain't special And you are and you're not.

Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school. (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING)

Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So my advice to the two of you would be... According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival

(COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, for God's sake. Look, do you have any idea how expensive medical school is? No, I don't. Well, it's probably pretty expensive. Lois! We came as soon as we got your call. Oh, Hope, Ben, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but Scotty has...

Stop it! It liked my joke.

Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

He's back.

(LOUD GROAN)

(GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary.

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16. My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak. There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Jane Fonda.

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore.

I almost forgot. Don't start your car. Hey, Thanks for coming. What a horrible night. It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson. And best of all, nobody important got hurt.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. It's something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours. LOIS: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes. BONNIE: And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated.

Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology.

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Bye, Peter! Bye, Peter. Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? Peter, you're, uh-- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories.

Oh, no! I got that thing in the morning! How about tomorrow at 4:00? You know I'm with my mother tomorrow at 4:00. Darn it! I'm gonna be so horny tomorrow at 4:00. You know, I got to say I'm a little mad at you for not being more available. We can have sex right now on the table. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. We eat here.

Meg, sweetheart what's wrong?

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming. Not about kicking your fat ass! Boys, please. You used to be so close. Sorry, Lois.

Have you been crying? What happened? It didn't work. He still hates me.

O.J. Simpson? I may be a dumb beaver, but I'm smart enough to get out of here. O.J., this is my family. Family, O.J. It's nice to meet you all. Hey, Peter, you mind if I use your restroom?

Good morning! Is what normal families say.

I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know?

Oh, my God! NO! It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now? Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone.

Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

(STAMMERING) Is now legal. Legal in Quahog. And it's made everything just so great. Okay, you... You can read the next one. (LAUGHING) No, you can. No, you. Okay, okay, okay. - Let's read it both together. - Okay.

And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink 2 days ago! oh, I'll fix your sink, Miss Romano. And by that I mean I'll have sex with you. And by that, I mean I'll fix your sink. And by sink I mean your reproductive organ. And by reproductive organ,

Where's the damn pull string? Ah. Aah! Ha. You never know what you're gonna find down here. Aah! Peter! HEy, You're the Pawtucket Patriot.

Y2K! Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly?

And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me? Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you.

(PHONE RINGING) Hi, my name's Classy. What can I do for you, hot stuff? Oh, hi, Classy. You sound very classy. Listen, do you have a wallet or a purse? Uh, I have a purse. Oh! Oh, baby.

Carolyn, it's been so nice getting to know you. Yeah, Cleveland, she's way more fun than that wife you used to have. What was her name? Weezy or Florida or something? - Jennifer Hudson? - Loretta. Well, you're doing a lot better now, Cleveland. I mean, you went from a black woman to a white woman without having to take that Hispanic-woman step in between. (ALL LAUGHING)

Whoa, whoa, hang on, Lois. Now, I know you're freaked out, but when you really stop and think about it, this meth lab is our family's best chance to make meth in a lab. What are you talking about, Peter? I'm talking about saving the farm. Don't you see? This lab is just what we need to get back on our feet. No way, Peter. Dealing drugs is morally wrong, not to mention incredibly dangerous.

This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back.

Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay?

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Michael McDonald During Allergy Season. (GASPS) (GASPS IN HIGHER PITCH) (GASPING IN TREMOLO) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SNEEZES MELODICALLY)

Oh, my God! Are these pickles really only 39 cents? That's right, ma'am. Wow! This is incredible! (WIND WHISTLES) (BIRD SCREECHES) What the hell's going on here?

And Now back to the Movie of the Week, Speed 3, Glacier of Doom. if this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, We're all dead! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way!

I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid. Well, wait a minute, Peter. Maybe that's the answer. You just got to get his mother to take him back. How the hell am I supposed to do that? She's an idiot redneck, Peter. Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. Can I go out through here? - Just be back by bedtime. - Okay.

Wow, you're pretty smart. Thanks. My name's Doug. I'm Meg. Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say. Jefferson High is our rival.

He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing.

Because he thinks you're annoying, like people who never shut up about their kids. He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water? (SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.

Sphincter.

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. Oh, Just die, already.

You know, Chris, a little hard work can do wonders. Just look at how they built the pyramids. They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.

All right, I caught a fish! Oh, huh. Sorry about that, Loretta. Hey, can I have my fish back? Oh, You're gonna have to reach into the cookie jar. Well, uh, I can't just... You're--You're my best friend's wife. Reach into... All right! Yeah, you go in and get that. Show that fishy who's boss.

Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run. He's gonna get us. He's still got us. - He's gonna get us! - Oh, mY God!

but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!" Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Mom, this is really weird. I want Dad back. I don't. Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill. Not like the fake thrill of running into your ex-girlfriend on the street. Rob? Hey! Hey! How are you? God, it's good to see you. Good to see you, too.

I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments.

And so I went into corporate finance, and that's where I met Dale! Six months later, I was asking her to marry me. What took me so long, right? (ALL LAUGHING) All right, we're running out of time. We gonna get this orgy started or what? What?

Where's Miss Emily? I haven't seen her yet today. She gave me the keys to open up when she left yesterday. I thought you said you were gonna talk to her. I did, and she's doing her best, you know? She's got a lot on her plate. She's got school, she's got work. This is her work! Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you had a busy day at your legal practice. (GROANS) Oh... Hey, Emily!

Hai! "Peter who hasn't answered "because something has gone terribly wrong." LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you there? Now, let's go get that kid. (SIGHS) Okay, he's in the left upstairs bedroom. All right, you keep the car going in case there's trouble. (THUDS)

Terrible. You know, I don't think I can take another semester at this school, Ruth. It's torture. It's worse than sitting next to a baby on an airplane. So what brings you to Kentucky? I'm visiting my family. Ah, family man. Me? Single and ready to mingle. Tom Brunell's the name. Insurance is the game.

Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No!

I just fall in love again And when I do I can't help myself I fall in love with you You like that, Stewie? You like Anne Murray's music?

That is kind of a tongue twister. It's good to have you home, Peter. Honey, I knew everything would turn out ok. I sure am gonna miss being rich. Don't worry. I got a way to get money. Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship.

Jeez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me. It's like I'm a freakin' leper. Hey, can we sit there? No, these are saved. Where is Cindi?

But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin. Francis.

Did we used to live here? I don't even remember it. I hope that's developmentally normal, and not just from the meth. How did we get this place back, by the way? Well, luckily the value of this place plummeted because this is a meth town now. You know, I think the lesson here is that if your community has problems, you don't abandon it.

but you can't live without a father. And besides, how exactly do you think we're supposed to live here on the playground? We'll do fine, Brian! Everything is right here where we need it! The jungle gym is the grocery store, the swing set is the mall, the seesaw is the post office, and the sandbox is our summer home. Can you believe it, Brian? We... We have a summer home!

Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal. And, uh, i--I guess I'll have fries.

Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?

(LAUGHING) What a wonderful novelty photo this will make. Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask. I have the mumps. What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book.

Which one were you again? I was the one who could talk. Brian! Come on in! Betty! Look who it is! Is that Brian? Oh! And you brought a little friend. Well, I bet you're a hungry little fella. Yes, and I'll bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull! Now change me!

Also, if I gave you a sandwich, do you think you could get Chris to fart on it?

Wait. Did you do that for me? What are you talking about? I'm a young writer. I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Maybe in a couple of years, who knows? Stewie, you shouldn't have done that. But thanks. No problem, Brian. Hey, what do you say we head back home? That sounds good.

Hey, Meg. Proud of you. Has your father ever killed anyone that you know of? Well, once by accident when he was in the military. All right. You all know your orders. When you see the Taliban come over the horizon,

And he needs me. Meg, you're fooling yourself. It's classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome. You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection. But think about it, Meg. You two have nothing in common. You know, you're right, Mom. I hear you loud and clear.

Angel food cake. Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

(BOTH MOANING) You know, I can just wash it off when I get home. Why? What's in there? CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait.

His name was Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin, and his ocular misadventures made him a star.

No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall. The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it. Go!

Oh, Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas. That's never happened before. Morning. Jeez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you mean? Aah! Don't you see what's happening? Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked,

That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! Sweet dreams, kiddo. You have the power to end this!

I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.

Yeah, Filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one. Meg, that's a terrible thing to say. You should marry someone you love. That's what I did. And it got us kicked out of the yacht club.

Only the ones I'm about to ask to Friendly's for a Fribble.

Ahh! Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth. ahh! No! Don't!

but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't.

(GROWLING) (GUNSHOT) That's for shooting one of our guys! (ALL CHEERING) MAN 1: We got you! MAN 2: In your face!

Because I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys and I don't want Lois to know about it. Um, okay. Lois, I'm going to my physical now. Okay, honey. I'll see you later. Um... What the hell? I'll just ask it. Why did we need the horse suit for that?

Daddy, you're not dressed! Huh? Oh, yeah. I couldn't figure that one out. I used to have a guy for that. Mom, I can't believe you came out of that belly. (SNIFFING) Um, what is that?

I'm good! Ah, How fun. And it's for a good cause. All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. Ladies and gentlemen,

Who's my big brave boy? Me.

It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.

Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS) This trash? Trash? What? No, that's a functioning lamp. No. Is okay. I take home. What the hell is happening right now?

Oops. A crack in the floor!

I came because I love the theater. I mean, If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle o' his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be? A bitch.

Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

(MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING)

I--I guess. It, uh, uh... You know, This really is the first place we've gone to. Perhaps we should try another lot. Sold! Well, Go on. Hot-wire it! Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! Oh, for God's sake! Hurry up! You did it!

Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!

So what do you think about a platonic shower?

famed Asian competitive eating champion, Charles Yamamoto. Yamamoto has not yet lost a hot dog eating competition on his world tour. But if you think you have what it takes to beat the best eater in the world, come down to the James Woods High parking lot this Saturday with $50 and a large appetite. We should probably note that that is not a photo of Charles Yamamoto.

I thought I could deal with being blind at first. But I don't know. I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman. We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But....

Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor. Don't get married.

We can't leave. It's almost halftime and we all pooped in the tuba. (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) (TUBA PLAYER EXCLAIMING) Okay, we can go. (SPRAYING) (SPRAYING) (MEN YELLING)

Where's your bag, fatty?

(CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No!

That's right. And there you are in the stall with your boss, Angela. What? PETER: Oh, my God, Angela. That was... That was... That felt so good. ANGELA: All I want to do is please you, Griffin. Well that was a good idea you had dunking your hand in the toilet. Oh, my God! I wouldn't have sex with Angela! She's disgusting!

What Accomplishments? Go to your room. Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family. I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60. Sir, that casket costs $1,000. Okay, $70. WhaT? $2,000. That's twice what it cosTS! $40. What?

I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla. Aah! I love tacos on a corn tortilla!

(GASPING) It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God!

This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Well, gentlemen, now that you have smelled all of our colognes, what'll it be? I will take some Drakkar Noir. (BEEPS) How about you? I am disgusting, so I will take two bottle Drakkar Noir. (BEEPS) How about you, chief? Hmm. Let me quickly grow beard and think about it.

Peter, what are you... What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling.

I'll enjoy that. And, Peter, I got a surprise for you. You got the kids back. I love you so much, delicious French-fry wife. Now we can live with you again even though you're a dangerous retard. Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged.

it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond, as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after. Diane?

We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you! Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Quahog Oil Refinery,

What if I stick my finger in your hole?

Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta, then Loretta's having an affair. Oh, We can't tell anyone about this. That is the last thing in the world we want to do. What a day! We've done everything in the world. So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair.

Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil!

So, how'd it go at the clinic? Fine at first, but then there was a complication.

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID."

Hey, Brian, thanks for helping get rid of Miss Emily. Although, I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter. - Really? - Yeah. Let me know if you want his number. Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing. Peter, you did a really nice thing helping Billy get back together with his wife.

Yeah. Even Rat Boy has better shoes. Hey, guys, I don't know about you, but I'm here to learn.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Iower-middle-class Irish family. That's right, Tom. This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Ouahog... ...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think?

You're going to see Justin Bieber! HERBERT: Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never!

No. No. Terrible. These are all just terrible!

It's a three-hour drive to that cabin. Can't you just cook something here? Excuse me? I am not going to cook you dinner while you sit here in your own mess playing your TV games. Oh-ho! And the martyr returns. Chris, I think it's time for you to go. Okay, I'll go.

Name's Billy, Billy Finn.

To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one.

Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him. (SQUEALING) Tell him, "Bon appetit, douche bag."

You guys are a bunch of queers. (SOBBING) And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough!

Griffin. Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.

"Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."

You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together. Me, too, Lois. It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with. Don't you have any back home? Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that. That's kind of what I want to talk to you about, Brenda. Do you mind taking off your sunglasses? (SIGHS) Oh, my God. (STUTTERING) No, it's really not that bad.

- Have a seat. - (SIGHS)

We were at the beach

I have, without your knowledge, added a large amount of PCP to one of those cups of coffee. I won't say which one, but in a few moments, one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck.

You're painted up like some attention- grabbing jezebel!

Ah, jeez, Kids, You know, I was this close to losing it. But your mom's right. Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels.

Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading, but to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell. And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up, because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

Like the role of Denise's boyfriend on The Cosby Show. It's nice to meet you, Martin. Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. So, if you guys are a family, why are none of you the same shade of black? I was also coked out of my skull most of the time. But whatever the case, I was done.

Point Break! That was the movie!

He rocks in the treetop all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song All the little birds on Jaybird Street

I--I don't know about this. Hey, We all did it. If you want to be a Supreme Court Justice, you gotta pick up that cherry with your butt cheeks, and drop it in that beer. Come on! Go, Souter! Go soUter! Go souter! Go soutEr! Oh! my God! I can't believe he did that!

(SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

Aw, Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, Like diamonds. But I love our old house. You have to buy it back.

Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft. Oh, your ears. Your ears are like dog ears. Oh, this couch.

All right, guys, I know that yesterday was a rough one for us. But it's with great pride that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one. All right! Nichols, you should go home and change.

" can make fire! Chris, come here a second. This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three. Do it again!

You'll never get away with this. Why not? I've fooled people before. Y-You remember that time I pretended to be gay?

ls everyone ready for a little cowboy action? undefinedYeah! " love horses. Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride. Oh, come on, you can't expect me to ride that thing. Sorry, we're short on horses. You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke. - Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry.

Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch. Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it!

so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die Says the man next to me out of nowhere And the good people of the world Are washing their cars on their lunch breaks Hosing and scrubbing as best they can in skirts and suits

Yes, you know, he's right, Brian. Besides, I've never been to a Hebrew wedding. Well, I guess we could stay a little longer. Oh, wonderful! I want to be hoisted up on the chair and see what it feels like to be top Jew. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, Class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe of New Guinea.

(FARTS) Mustache fart. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

Mr. John. That's correct. Now, bonus question, is Mr. John home? No, no, Mr. John no home. Joe? What the hell? Are you working here? I have to, Quagmire. The baby's hospital bill drained all our savings, so I've had no choice but to take this job.

I'm not an animal like you. So, what are you going to do, arrest me? No. I don't arrest cripples. (SCREAMING) By the way, you're under arrest. I only said that last thing 'cause it seemed cool. Oh, my God, that was so awesome. I saw everything. You were all like... (TALKING GIBBERISH)

Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago. Did you get the beans? Lois, I got something better. You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's right, I bought a horse.

Come into my home, will ya? I'll show you, you bastards.

WEll, You know what this means? Yeah. I say, walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.

And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden? Peter, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah? What are you doing? Stuff? Yes. Nazi stuff? Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff. Can I help? No, Peter. Just let me work, all right? All right, all right. Okay. All right. (SPUTTERING)

And maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another. Thank you. Hey. What? Will you read to me? Sure. Wait, wait, wait. I want to get all snuggled in.

That's it? Fish food? That's your ace in the hole? Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Turkey! Ahh!

WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.

Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room. I thought that was just when you were asleep. What do you want? Meg, I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore. I just want to draw.

But trust me, she's cute. Well, let's go get her. I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos' ass back. Oh, yeah, right. Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell! I found the note! "Go back to the Mini-Mart"? Well, this isn't very creative.

ahh! And plunged them down a thousand feet below to the Land of the Lost

Usually, handsome guys ain't so good with their fists. And stay away from my girlfriend. Brian, I know karate, too. I can help you.

Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without T.V. for weeks! Now Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without T.V. Ha. What's that supposed to mean? Face it, you're addicted to television.

This is amazing. And it gets better, Brian.

Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run! PETER: And so they set off on their escape to the North. Luckily, they were helped by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings, who showed up on his trusty white bronco.

Oh, why did you stop? Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something. When you're in the shower at the "Y," is-is that just like Supermarket Sweep for you guys, or is there some kind of etiquette? Peter, stop it. God! You're more clueless than Popeye. Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms,

Like it or not, we're going to have to start living on a strict budget for a while. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, and this is News... I thought you were going to sing with me, Joyce. Okay. Our top story tonight. The Rhode Island State Lottery has climbed to a record $150 million jackpot. That's right, Tom. Powerball fever has officially gripped Quahog.

No, Brian. I underestimated you. Here, let me put a smiley face on your test. May I borrow your pen? You... Do you want me to just stick it in there? Yes.

Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag. And I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it? Well, I guess that'd be okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb? I guess. Goody, goody!

One, two... Lois, stay down. Don't get up. You've got nothing to prove.

Is that it? Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement.

No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving. We're hitting another insane party across town. What, you mean now? Look, my ears are ringing, my foot arches are hurting, and I have to go to work in, like, 45 minutes. Peter, you sound like an old fart.

Leave this lot, losers. Unless you want a licking. And we'd love to deliver that licking, right, fellows? Yeah. - Love it. - A lot. I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer.

Is this where I get the poop pass to use the executive bathroom? Sit down, Mr. Griffin. We need to talk. Okay, well, make it fast 'cause I'm starting to crown.

I was just curious. Before you go, I want to ask you a question. Is there something on my elbow or...

But what I'm saying is, I think Carter is sick or possibly even dead, and that the man we saw today was an imposter brought in to keep Pewterschmidt Industries' stock price up and to keep people from knowing the truth. Boy, you are just gonna keep on talking with that poppy seed stuck in your teeth, aren't you? Anyway, what are you suggesting? We can follow him, see if he's really Carter. Okay, but I got to be home by 7:00.

No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.

ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it!

Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.

That's not the way we play. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose!

Yeah, 'cause it makes a difference what you're carrying up that ladder. - Wait, whose neck is it? - Huh? I mean where's the cutoff? You know, is it Megan Fox's neck or am I burying my face in Leonard Nimoy's turkey gizzard? Nimoy's neck. You have got yourself a roof. I'll take the Spock-Fox intercourse. All right, Peter, your turn. Boxers or briefs? What?

This isn't about you as a cop. This is about you as a man. Come on, what do you say? Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice. (CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit? All right, let's do it!

Damn it! Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot. For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself. Boy, we really did a number on each other.

Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It's--It's not even on the radar screen!

Too beautiful.

Laugh and cry

"Peter Griffin." One of us is Peter Griffin. Look at this indent on the steering wheel. It's a perfect match. Oh, my God! - You're Peter Griffin! - Yeah, I am. And you live at 31 Spooner Street. Finally, a real clue. Let's go!

Ok, let's take a call. You're on K.I.S.S. Forum. K.I.S.S. rules! Whoo! Ok, good call. Good call. Ha! Ha! All right. HEy, You're on K.I.S.S. Forum.

I know you got a foot fetish so I got you this Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, thanks, Peter. But Joan is all the foot I need now. What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue...

You know that would never work again in a million years. Don't need it to, Brian. That stripper has a rash on her ass just like Anna Lee used to get. Yeah. And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap just like Anna Lee used to do.

Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, No! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the out--

Stewie!

Sorry, Wonder Woman. I got 3 kings. Now let's see your pair. All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at hER.

Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't...

Oh, look at that. Our little boys are becomin' fast friends. I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you? And go get the sifter, so we can build our sand village. That's right, a little further. Everyone, meet Jeffrey,

Dare.

Listen, Red, when you get out of here, I want you to do something for me. Up in a hayfield in Buxton, Maine, under an old oak tree, there's a rock that has no earthly business being there. It's black volcanic glass, has no business being there. Under that rock is a box with something I want you to have.

And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list

Right, Bing Crosby? That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat them with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. But tha-that doesn't sound right. Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those!

What do you got there? A candy bar, huh? - Got any other contraband? - No. Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer. Oh, so your dad gets guys off. (LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. Where's your bag, fatty? You're welcome to search my beef case. But there's mutton in there. (LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown. You're in big trouble, mister.

Let's see where it goes. LOIS: Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot. PETER: Yeah, what did I tell you, huh?

Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role. Elijah Wood. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Elijah Wood. I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have.

Hey, who's that? That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous.

My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham. Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore? Peter, I think it's great that you and Chris have been spending so much time together.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Did you hear that cashier's accent? (IN MOCK INDIAN ACCENT) "Would you like some change please, for you?" You know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable.

There's an old, abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north of here. You could spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning. Thanks, David.

All right, Peter. That's enough! Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's?

we may have to give up Christmas altogether. Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News. Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that?

(ANGRY BIRDS MUSIC PLAYING) Go, go, go, go, go... Aw! He so should've died. This is bullcrap. Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

Brian, what the hell is going on? We were only in 1984 one night,

Oh, go...yourself, Diane!

We got to stop them.

you've still got a hell of a lot to see You've got a lot to seE Brian, I've missed so much!

Uh, Here you go, Mr. Eisner. It's, uh, It's been Brian-ized. You might notice that new-script smell. Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener, and a copy of my can't-miss coming-of-age teen comedy set in Wisconsin. What's your name? Brian. Let's see.

You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I hope that you can forgive me. Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back. And once our injuries heal up, we can all go for a nice, long walk. All right! Yeah!

Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it. Ah! Ah! Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan? - I told you to stop. - I taste blood. Well, there's a lot of it.

Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

Oh, God, I'm ruined! Nobody's ever gonna shop in my pharmacy again! I'm gonna lose everything! Oh, Gosh, Mort, I feel terrible about this. I wish there was some way we could fix it. You know, my cousin had the same problem, but he lucked out, 'cause his business burned to the ground. The insurance made him a very rich man. (CHUCKLES) Too bad we can't just torch the pharmacy.

Ok, let's see what this baby can do.

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God.

Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.

- Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? I just used to think he was kind of funny. We should... We should get to the hospital.

Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.

although some are doing their best to ride it out. For example, I'm here with Rides-a-Ten-Speed-Everywhere Guy. Sir, why are you riding your ten-speed in the rain? I don't mind. A little drizzle never hurt anybody. I like riding the ten-speed because it's fun, gives me energy,

What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird. In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question. Global warming is a myth.

you know the storm is moving away from you. - Okay, ready? - Ready. Okay. Drowning. Getting shot in a drive-by. Lyme disease from a deer tick. Good, good. Getting stabbed in the face. Getting shot in the face. Shot in the face. There you go. I see you're kind of stealing mine, but it's okay. Leukemia. Having a mosquito bite you on your scab.

A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you!

For starters, we're making sex education more fun. Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies And our schools are the safest around, thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present hall pasS!

Hey, everyone. Say hello to my state-appointed inspirational social worker, Vern. It's truly a pleasure to meet you all. Hey, Peter, looks like you've got yourself one super family. High five! All right!

What did you just say?

"The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature. "A woman embraces life. "A woman makes choices to make her life better.

(GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING) (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS) Head for the tracks!

Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes. And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!

Try to play nice with the other children. What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? ComE on. Let go. Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it!

Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody!

Oh, He's out on a goodwill mission to America.

Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect!

Can this day get any more stressful?

It's the eye of the tiger it's the thRill of the fight rIsIn' up to the challenge of our rival

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... He is. Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin? Uh... This is Peter Griffin.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home.

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry.

Ok, no secrets. I want to share Stewie and Olivia with the world. Well, They're awfully young. Is this really a good idea? It's a great idea. I've always dreamed of becoming an actress. But That's not why I'm pushing Olivia to do it. Is it suspicious that I that brought that up unprovoked? Well, I guess it might be okay. Sure, Lois, I mean, look at Elroy Jetson.

A donkey just bit a child in the hallway.

"and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff. "P.S. If the cops ask,

You know what, Brian? It took me two hours to spell "hat" with these things. I finally got the "T" right side up, and then you come in here... You're a bastard. Where are you going? I'm going to expose Mayor West as the corrupt politician that he is. I'm on my way to meet a source who won't talk to me over the phone.

I can't breathe! I can't breathe! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (EXCLAIMING) Oh, gosh, I hope he's all right. Well, we'll have to send someone to make sure that he is.

There you go. Jeez, Frickin' perverts. Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.?

Tastes like happy. Cool! That's imitatable! What the hell? El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company? Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children! Well, What do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. Timmy, where's Lassie?

"His name is Sam."

he's not going to sleep with her. That's you. Nerd. Look, everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have sex with him, you're a huge bitch. We got to stop them. So you admit you were wrong. Yes. You admit you were stupid. - Yes, yes. - You admit all women are stupid. No. All right, I'll take what I can get. Come on. To the Peter-dactyl.

Oh, my God! And sometimes, just for the hell of it, she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair and places it gently on your tongue. Oh, God! Oh, God! I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this. Calm down, everything's gonna be all right.

CARTER: Look at that, huh? Look at the crappy job your friends are doing. And here's something that's gonna piss you off even more. Fire at will!

Peter, your religion is an abomination. I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding. And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up.

(CAMERAS CLICKING) PHOTOGRAPHERS: Scarlett! Scarlett Johansson! MAN 1: Scarlett, over here! WOMAN: Scarlett Johansson! - Scarlett! - Scarlett! MAN 2: Laura Linney. - (CAMERA CLICKS) - Whoops. Come on, you guys. It's been well over seven minutes.

So all we got to do is bring the skull back home and bury it. What are you doing? You said you were using the skull as an athletic cup. I was, but don't you remember, I threw it in the garbage? Oh. - So, you're not wearing it now? - No. That's, uh, pretty much just me you're grabbing.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey, I'll be right back. I got to go to the bathroom. Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

Use "faux pas." Thanks, professor. You've been living a lie all these years. You represented yourself as a K.I.S.S. fan. And why? To make me look foolish! No. To make you happy. I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter. But I just was never that big a K.I.S.S. fan. Yeah, I should've guessed that when you were willing to dress up as Peter Criss.

Just a little further.

Oh, my goodness, the Queen is going to be here presently. This is oh-so-exciting! My favorite part before the Queen arrives is yelling "Wanker!" at Prince Charles as he passes. Wanker! Wanker! I know, I know. Wanker! Wanker! Yes, I know. Yes. Wanker! You're a wanker! Wanker!

I never forgot what you did. Well, thanks for coming, you guys. You know what you were doing that day, Dad? You were breaking the law. You knew what your duty told you you were supposed to do, but instead, you did what you thought was right. I haven't thought about that family in years.

Be with your own kind! We're all gonna miss you, Dad! More than you know! (GRUNTING) What? My God, I... I think he's trying to talk to you. Quick, Meg! Say something else!

Ready to join the mile high club? What? All right. Let's get those reindeer hooked up and get out of here. Okay. The elves are bringing them now. (BARKING)

My baby! Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now.

It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time! I get to go, right? Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do? Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything.

Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew. Now, listen up. I like the hat and I like the scarf, so we're doing this.

No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran. I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week.

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been.

(HORN HONKING) Proceed wrong way down busy street for 500 meters. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake,

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Yeah, Lois, uh, sorry I took your show away from you, but I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure you get your chance next year. It'll be "Peter Griffin presents "a Lois Griffin production." Ok, honey? Deal.

Damn it.

Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois.

More on that later. Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this. PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second? (GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that?

Look at her. She needs me, a lot more than you do. But we were just starting to make a real connection. Listen, I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around, but now, thanks to you, I finally have a chance to transform my mom's life in the same way you transformed mine.

Peter, it's back.

I was once addicted to antihistamines. I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut. Yeah, that's a great story, too.

maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"! Oh, This is so exciting. Your father's first day as president. Good morning, First Family. Ooh, Lois, what's in this coffee? Isn't it wonderful?

I'm sorry to hear that. Wow! A limo, huh? Hey, are these Diet Rites just to take? No! Those are my Diet Rites! Now, listen, Griffin. Thanks to your dog's stupid marijuana crusade, people are using hemp for everything: fabric, fuel and paper.

Suck on that, Quagmire.

Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh? Well, How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on. You'll be the stewardess, and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drillin' ya. ugh, Move! I have a lot of work to do. I can't. I'm stuck.

Brian, would you-- Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs! Wait! Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite! Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now?

(LA CUCARACHA PLAYING)

Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.

Ok, boys! Let's do it! And one, 2, 3. And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, 2, 3.

Time to initiate Phase 2. All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies.

I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! Oh, You'll be fine. You're just having your period. This court will now come to ordER. Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996?

I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out!

And if you think I'm mad now, you got to answer to them Civil War survivors! Yeah. That's right. Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag! Get 'em!

What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke.

That ought to show you!

Chris, these are plantains. And there's nothing wrong with them.

I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER? Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy?

Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit? Oh! Yes. I summitted three times. Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman! Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.

Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch.

Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.

I say, there's a plane. Yeah. And If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot. And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar! I can finally get a drink! I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me!

That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point. I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you? You sandbagged me, yes.

Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again! (ALL CLUCKING)

Handiquacks And they never got their soda

Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille.

You're cute. You're cute. I don't want to pet you, though. Oh, all right. (RETCHING) What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me. Brian, what are you doing here?

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

You... You cloned yourself? What, are you deaf? What... So he's an exact copy of you? Well, not exact. I have to remain superior, so I bred out some of the intelligence, made him sort of a simpleton, you know? I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess.

You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now... you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, you know, that's something to think about.

You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You got to save him! Peter, you need to let go. (HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

I'm gonna be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd? I think that they're gonna have, they are gonna be fighting Deirdre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be better than usually. And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that.

Andy Dufresne, the man who crawled through a river of poop and came out clean on the other side. Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

How in the hell are we gonna get out of here?

I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop. Have you seen him? No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But....

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker!

Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry. You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli. It's like an Irish bar fight down there.

You see, the U.S. government believes that one of these sleeper agents is right here in Quahog.

And I feel like I just got home

Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. That's right, son. Take her down a peg. I guess we could all adjust to this.

I want a brand-new pitching wedge I would like more Lemon Pledge That's all I really want for Christmas this year

And doesn't she have the most beautiful eyes? Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but, yeah, individually, they're not awful. All right, I'm on board. Go talk to her.

yeah, You may be right. No! No! No! You must receive his seed! Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute.

Looks like little Johnny should've wished for some blocking. Chris, I just thought of a way to get the Gumbels back on the air. All right, Dad! All we gotta do is tell a little white lie.

Four, three, two... Good morning, and welcome to Jolly Farm. Today we're going to learn about the letter "T."

No. I cannot get sick right now. There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower, and with this move, I just cannot get sick right now. I have to finish typing this... Typing this... (GROANS) That's it, I'm taking you home. (SNEEZING) You did this to me! (SHUTTERS CLICKING) Miss Lohan! Lindsay!

Keanu Reeves, wow! You know, I don't usually gush. So, You'll have to forgive me. But when I was writing Coast Guard... That's what I do, I'm a writer... Anyway, when I was writing Coast Guard, I couldn't think of anyone other than... Uh... There's a woodpecker on your head. Yeah, He comes and goes.

(EXCLAIMING) Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity! (MONKEY SCREAMING)

Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present.

Oh, my God. Lois, you're right. Adam, I'm sorry. I can't marry you. What? But, Carol... I'm so sorry, Adam. (SOBBING)

You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up? Uh, Sure. Yes, Yes. do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say--Say "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie." Ha! Don't forget the taint.

Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket! David Schwimmer? Yeah, hey. What are you gonna ask the don for? World peace. Number 34! 3-4! Right here! Peter, my good friend.

Yeah, but you know the people who do. That Alan Ball, you know him, right? Yeah. How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know. Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode. Okay, Quagmire, I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop because that first bite is the one that really hurts.

(BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) Me first! I'd like to thank you all for meeting me here, in the lobby of the Mondrian.

And he's got a trash compactor. (GRINDING AND CRUSHING) It compacted it all. That is so boss. Aha! We meet again, Briggs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you? Joe Swanson.

Fat, Horny, Black and Joe. - Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter. One, two, three, four.... Oh, my God, we don't know any songs. You suck! Get off the stage!

The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it.

The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees are Ron Jones, Walter murphy,

Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this.

Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! - Look, buddy, I--i-- - Move! A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard.

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

Gee, Dr. Smith, this doesn't seem like a very safe place to be. (CRYING) William!

Take care, you two. May the Force be with you.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) God, look at Meg's fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine.

I have no idea what you're talking about. Well, it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record. If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket. Well, the hell with all of you!

So I created a scenario in which everyone's memories were erased, to demonstrate that you and Peter would never naturally associate with one another. But I was wrong. It appears you two have a genuine bond after all. Wow. So, we really were meant to be friends. I guess you were, yes.

The force field is down! Go! Now! I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid,

(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)

I don't think so. Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? - Who's a good boy? - Me. Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy. But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later.

Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues

Hey. Hey, you know what we should do, guys, - while we're here tied up like this? - What? We should come up with a totally bogus rumor about a celebrity. And then when we get out of here, we'll spread it around as much as we can. That sounds like fun! Actually, that does sound like fun. What'd you have in mind?

Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk,

Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad." I want some McNuggets. We'll get to you, Brent. I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing and like it.

I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body. Well, we thought of that.

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else,

Ah, This is sweet! Hey, Why are you putting a window in the middle of the factory? So Aunt Bea has a place to let her pies cool. Hello, boys. Today's pie is cherry. It'll be ready just in time for lunch. Wow, These guys sure know how to run a company.

Peter? Peter, are you alive? (GROANING) You're alive. Okay, I won't... I won't eat you then. I was gonna eat you.

Jillian, look, I made a huge mistake. I don't want to lose you.

(RETCHING) (CRYING)

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Wakey, wakey. KIDS: Good morning, Mother Maggie. Huh, who's this? I like this lady. Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father... Oh, probably not.

and this is what I want right now. You're sure about that? (GLASS SHATTERING) Meg, go make your father some flapjacks. (SIGHING) Okay, Mom. (GLASS SHATTERING) PETER: This is crazy! Is nobody really making me flapjacks yet? At this point, you guys are being as irresponsible as I am! (GONNA FLY NOW PLAYING)

No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

QUAGMIRE: No!

Cut the camera! Cut it!

Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin.

Oh, My God! You were really gonna do it! i-- But-- You... Nurse, this dog is trying to kill me! Nurse! You are twisted, lady! y-You hear me? You are screwed up in the head!

Say 'how do' to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville. Ah, Oh, God. Oh, jeez! Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? Now, Now, see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! war, War!

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (SLAP) She screamed, so I had to slap her.

and even then, it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. I am so fucking ready...

All right, I guess. Good. Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.

And Mother said you didn't appreciate anything! BRIAN: Karina! (AS KARINA) Coming! Hello, Julie! So nice to see you! Please! Two lemonades, Brian. Oh, yeah, I'll go make you a lemonade. I'll make you a fresh one. So, what brings you here? Well, I wanted to see if you could come over to my house tonight and run lines with me. Don't you usually do that with Randall?

I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow morning, when you're all shipped off to Iraq. What? Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq.

They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But I'm here to tell you, that as of today, PTV is officially shut down.

She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me.

Can I help you, sir? Hi there. My name's Glenn Griffin. I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball game... Doctor's appointment. Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God!

Wah! Wah! Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! I--i--I saw the-- The--the bo-- Blast! What the devil is that name again? B-b-b-Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman.

Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak. And that should do it. Now let's go home. Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on!

Drop it, creep-o! Don't move, Catherine Deneuve! Freezerino, Paul Sorvino! What are you doing, Mr. Swanson? I'm trying out some cop entrances. We all have to come in with three new ones on Monday.

You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me.

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?

Now, get ready, we're having dinner with my parents tonight! Oh. Right. I just feel terrible about this whole thing, Lois. Can you ever forgive me? Yes, Brian, I can.

That was my plan. Where's yours?

Peter, don't make me do.... Just a city boy Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere

(NATIVES YELLING) (GUN SHOTS)

I'm not gay! They put the hole in the wrong side. All right, family. The wait is over. I give you hi-def television! Ooh! Can I have the box? Look at me! I'm an Iraq War vet in 10 years. No, we're gonna take good care of them.

Y-You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.

You're starting to piss me off. All you gotta do is take it. You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

(SCREAMING) Lois, what the hell are you doing? Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that?

"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. oh, And, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. Mayor west, You've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use For my articlE. Can you just pleasE-- My God! Somebody's stealing my water!

Ew! I don't know if this is gonna work, Lois. I'm a little shy at these types of things. You can overcome shyness. Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web who had to overcome Tourette's. I don't know, Lois. I haven't met a single interesting person.

That's what I thought. Oh, man.

I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty!

Rescued two children from a burning building. Can you imagine? Not quite in time, they were both horribly burned. They have that sort of creme brulee face going on now, but he saved their lives. Oh, my God, Brian. I know, right? So noble. Plus he's the only one of my patients to never ask me for hand work. Such a gentleman.

Uh-huh. Chris, can I see you in the kitchen? PETER: (WHISPERING) This is not working out. This is not working out at all. - CHRIS: Dad, Dad, look. She's trying. - PETER: No. No.

You don't even know me. You know what? That's fair.

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament.

only something's not quite right. According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it!

So from now on, I'm the breadwinner in this house. Hey, I forget. Were you in for this or not? Chris, you are not taking Peter's job. You're a 14-year-old boy, and you belong in school.

For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks, I shall break one window.

Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee? Sure. I get off at 2:00. GrEAT! Uh, uH, Great! I'll meet you here. Hey, hey, You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.

Now, what he needs right now is a revenge lay. And I know just who to talk to. Oh, God!

But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit!

You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting.

So, you're the man who saved my husband's life.

(SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

Let me see it. No. No, I don't want to gross you out. (GROANING) We are in so much pain, right now. The two of us. Okay, that was real! Hey, hi. I'm Private Stewie and this is Private Brian. We both got shot in the foot, so we figured an honorable discharge would be in order.

Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too.

Do it, Joe, 'cause if you gotta work here any longer, you're gonna feel smaller than my eye floaters.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story tonight. Quahog, Rhode Island. Known for quaint neighborhoods, white sandy beaches and harboring blood-thirsty murderers?

Move it, you slowpoke! The Iight's green! What does that cloud look like to you? To me it looks like rain! I used that joke at work. I'm the funniest guy at the office. They say I should do standup. This is insane!

then suffers a little heartbreak. Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience.

I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic! Hello. I was there, see? (SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter.

Look, Carter, you can't be that surprised. I mean, it's just human nature to suck up to the people above you, crap on those beneath you and undercut your equals. Well, then we just got to figure out a way to make you fancier than Barrington, so he's got to suck up to you. I don't know, Peter. That'd be pretty tough to pull off. We just got to be bold. Like those backwards-knee birds.

Mom, is this for real? Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie. It's the end of the world. Holy crap. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Seems like I've run out of waiting time.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, that's right. You like that? (CHIMING) WOMAN: I have $50,000. (CHIMING) I have $75,000. Thank you, Brett Ratner. Do I have $100,000? For God's sake. $500,000.

Oh, my God, I attacked Lois! What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist! I'm... I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan! (CELL PHONE RINGING) STEWIE: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian."

Yeah, but for the next ten minutes, I'll be very vulnerable to predators. (LION ROARS) (GASPS) Mountain lion. Make yourself look big! (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell?

Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting.

I'm not pregnant.

(GASPS) What are you doing here? CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin.

And to show my appreciation for reading my play, I made you this. Wow, "Good dog." And it's official? That's what it says, doesn't it? I wish my dad was alive to see this.

I think I can explain it to you, Peter. This line represents the normal flow of events. Here's where you met Lois, here's where you got married, and here's the present. And here's the night at the bar. Now, at some point during that evening, you did something that changed the course of your history, causing the time line to skew off into an alternate tangent,

I guess you're right, Brian. Next day at work, Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there. Stewie, shut up! What? It's just a weird image. Like the way Commissioner Gordon tells Batman that he just took a poop. Ugh! I don't need to know about that.

Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives? If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam,

Does that make sense to you, Peter? Well... Does it? I guess not. (SIGHING) So what the hell do we do, huh? I mean, we're not gonna solve anything by standing here screaming at each other. You and I are in this together, Peter, and whatever we decide, we both have to agree that it's the right thing to do.

What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech.

Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter. They have killed a great many of us, including my beloved wife.

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart!

Well, we're just going to have to find a local mechanic. On a Friday evening? I don't think we're going to have any luck till Monday. Besides, probably not a lot of mechanics around here.

You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk. (ALL GROANING) Looks like the power's out again. What, are we in Iraq? This happens entirely too often. Can we tell stories till it comes back on? Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars? Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right.

I know who you are, Stewie. I beg your pardon?

Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is! Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here.

Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911!

Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh. That's not fair. I don't think I have a negative attitude, I just...

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes.

Like that one we put on Hollywood Squares. I'll take the dying boy to block. Ok, Jeremy, is there anything lower than absolute zero? Uh, Yeah. My white-cell count.

God, Joe! Finally! Is your watch paralyzed, too? Guys, I don't think I can make it today. It's looking like Bonnie might go into labor any minute. So I think I should stick close to home.

Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first, or Eddie Izzard in drag, but he has a working vagina? Would Eddie Izzard tell others about it? Eddie Izzard is very discreet. Then that's your answer. You know, Quagmire, I gotta say, I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along.

Oh! Right. You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back. Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody. I just wanted to meet her so bad. I can't do anything right.

Forrest Gump. I win.

Please, sir. I want some more.

It's learning, Angela! It's learning! Run! What do you want, Griffin? Angela, look out your window. You see that Anheuser-Busch billboard next to the children's hospital? Well, watch this. Oh, God! Oh, my God, this is horrible.

(LAUGHING) - There they are. - Hi, Mom. Hi, Grandma! Grandma! I missed you.

Are you, like, a bitch or something? No, I have friends. Oh. Well, you should bring some of them in here. - Any of them have braces? - Yeah. I love braces. My mom has them.

You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something. Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you?

No!

But here's something everyone can understand! Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't.

Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11.

Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father. We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do. There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.

(SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.

Good-bye. Aw, Damn it!

- No. - Oh, God.

What did your therapist say? Dr. Kaplan thinks the, uh, ahem, accidents are linked to some kind of mid-life crisis. He suggests that I go out into the world and pursue my dreams. I'm leaving tomorrow.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on. She means your nipples are sticking out. Mom! Nipples! Nipples! That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall! Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place.

Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you? (EXCLAIMS) You're right! (BEEPING) Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count. Hurry up. It's ringing. Oh, thank God. Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you. What are you doing?

Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed. Is it raining again?

Oh, hey, Lois. This is somebody else now. There must've been a cross-connection. My name is Mike, and I'm somewhere else trying to make my own call. LOIS: Fine, Mike. You tell Peter he's in trouble when he gets home. You can tell him yourself, because Mike is Peter! Oh, my God. Are you serious? That was very good, Peter.

What do you mean you guys work for the government? Well, Brian, it turns out Spies Like Us was Ronald Reagan's favorite movie, so he actually appointed us honorary spies in a special ceremony back in the '80s. Dan, Chevy, you are hereby named honorary spies for the United States of America. Thank you, Mr. President. Thanks, Dutch. And to you, 1985,

Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots!

Make those characters a little more three-dimensional.

Can I get you some punch? Oh, no. You see, if you're one of 10 million Americans like me... Like me. Like me. ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you. Ew!

It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt? Peter, It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck!

I moved my abortion for this.

Swamp crashes. They can land you knee-deep in trouble. But the "good hands" people at Allstate will make sure you have a soft landing. Professional service. Non-threatening black spokesperson.

Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie. (WHISPERING) She doesn't know what "Mr." means. Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West, Mr. Oh, my God, seriously. I know what you're all thinking, but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together,

So, in my absence, you will listen to him. Come on, guy. Damn it! This is worse than being Kevin Federline's magic mirror.

Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! The power of Christ compels you! Ahh! Ahh! Peter, stop! He's not possessed. Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it. Oh.

You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for. Oh, please, you've only known her a week. Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole life for. Well, Jillian was. But I'll never get her back. But Denise... I really think there's something special there. Brian, you went to one protest rally with her. It's hardly a date.

Stewie, I know you're a little mad at me right now. But, when you see where I'm taking you, you're gonna change your mind.

Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over. Peter, she knows she untied her bikini. Women don't forget those things. Well, will you go over there - and pour a cold drink on her back? No. Will you go over there behind her - and yell, "Fire drill"? No. Will you go over there and lift her shoulder a little, so I can see her nipple?

Damn it. We just missed it. What do you wanna do for 20 minutes? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna work out. That's how you stay in shape. You just fit it in when you have free time wherever you are, wherever you can. There's semen on this floor.

Oh, I ran into Frank. It's funny. He fought in Vietnam, he's an exorcist, but there is one thing that terrifies him-- Commitment! Oh, Midge, you're my 3rd best friend in the whole world. 3rd? Who are the first 2? Ben and Jerry.

All right! Oh, thank you, God.

But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS So, listen, Cleveland. Um, The reason I asked you out here, uh, I've been wanting to talk to you about something.

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here? Yes. Then, yes, the bird counts. Okay. Two. Great.

(SCREAMING) Don't yell! His parents were slaughtered by yellers. Just submit. I am submitting! It's getting worse! No, I mean really submit. Okay, okay! Oh, my God, I meant say you're sorry, not take off your pants. Carter, what are you doing? Oh, my God! And now that I've made you aware of the misunderstanding, you're still continuing with it.

Remember me, dirt bag?

Yeah, totally. Hell, yeah. (WOMEN CHUCKLING) (I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.

Oh, my God! Brian, I went to a baby rave last night. Dropped a Flintstones chewable. It was a purple Betty. I was flyin'! I was up till like... Like... I don't even know how late. Like, when I came home, The Mentalist was still on. Like, that's how late. Morning, family.

I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment.

Glenn, can I just... (REGULAR VOICE) No! You can't have it! Hey, guys. It's James' birthday tomorrow. Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah. And don't just put your name. Write something clever.

I say, Brian, this backpack feels a bit lighter than it did before. Well, I wasn't gonna tell you till later, but I actually used part of my portion to take care of some personal business. All right, fine.

What's this? A cough drop. A Luden's cough drop. Is that candy? No, I don't think that's candy. I think it's a cough drop!

Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings

No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution. Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations. Aw, That's so cute.

STEWIE: No! Ahhh! (STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth?

Oh, There's quite a crowd outside. I haven't witnessed Pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, when prices were so low they were ridiculous.

I don't care what you think of me! Oh, God. I envy that. I am so self-conscious about what people think of me. I am out of here. You know, I think I may have an idea what's causing his behavior, Peter.

- Well, not right now, but-- - Ah, sweet!

(CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready.

Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses. Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, Did you take it by any chance? Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry. Are you sure you took it?

Hey, you. The news is on. Oh. Where is everybody? Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me. O-Ok.

Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. (GUNS FIRING) Brian, you might want to look outside. Oh, my God!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Kids, why don't you go upstairs, so your father and I can talk. Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here.

I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice. Ok. Go! Oh! Oh! aah!

And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore

Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! Keep going. No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano? Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Oh, That feels good.

Artoo! (ARTOO SCREAMING) Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?

Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick. Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies.

Oh, no. I dropped my pencil! Oh, I'll get it for you. Yeah, this is gonna work out just fine. (FARTING) (CHUCKLES) Excuse me.

FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage. Oh, my God! Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? Is this an eyeglass lens? I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this. (SCOFFS) Gay marriage.

Oh, Catwoman. Peter, no "Catwoman" today. I'm tired. Aw, What's the matter? Is the mighty Catwoman afraid of a little Catwoman melting spray? Peter, no. Come on, huh? All right. Ok. Enough, Batman. I don't want... Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman?

You're not going to get away this time, you son of a bitch. Please, don't kill me. I'm not married.

That sucks. Sorry, Stewie. That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!

while General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the squadron to destroy the Death Star. I didn't actually volunteer. Everybody clear? Am I the only one with a gold star on their uniform? It's just for record-keeping. Okay! Let's go for it, people! Hey, is there anything I can do to help? Luke!

This--This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face. He lives with us back in quahog. You got a nice wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie? A little girl-girl action, maybe?

Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh!

They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But I'm here to tell you, that as of today, PTV is officially shut down. Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

We'll give you $125. All right, I'll do it. Boy, you're more persuasive than James Bond. (MIMICKING SEAN CONNERY) Now, time for some unfinished business. No, James. Yes. No, James. Yes. You're going to have sex with me. No, James. I don't want to. Yes, you do. - No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

Anything beats what goes on at my house Friday nights. Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter. Come join us. Oh, okay! (SNAPPING)

Okay, this is it, you guys. They're going to announce the winning lottery numbers.

So, have you seen Ghostbusters? Save your breath, geekwad. I'm here with my boyfriend. You mean that quintessentially '80s guy with his collar turned up all the way? Are you hitting on my girlfriend? No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere.

(ARGUING) What the hell?

I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING) Wow! It went right there.

If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do! You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much.

No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die? All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper.

Hey, Peter, what's up? Come on, come on, we gotta go now! We gotta go now. Come on, Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on. Go, go, go! Pull the car around. Come on, let's go!

That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING)

(GUITAR PLAYING)

ahem.

Quagmire, tell that story about the girl with the inside-out anus. Oh, you mean Blossom?

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

Oh, Brian, come here. Would you mind listening to this song I've written for Susie Swanson and tell me what you think? Okay. Susie You're a baby That's all I have so far. That was horrible. You're as bad as Beethoven near the end.

Kicking, Lois?

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman.

(RINGS DOORBELL) Will you stop it? She's going to think we're weird. Hi. Can I help you? Hi. Miss Murray. My name's Brian Griffin. First of all, I just want to tell you what a huge fan I am. That's very sweet of you. And I'm Stewie. I'm the one who sent you the vibrators. Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music. Would you like to come in?

- Are you going to kill yourself if I don't? - Yeah. (LAUGHING) Well, then my hands are pretty much tied. Oh, Brian, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hey there, little fellow. What's that around your neck? Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus. WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.

HEy, You're the Pawtucket Patriot. Verily. Come hither and give heed. Whoa. I don't swing that way, pal. Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers. Why spend time with your wife?

f mean, one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba, for tha t ma tter? ff f were 40 years younger, f would plow that till next July. All right, class, today as a special treat, I'm going to show you this

Get your fat ass back here.

Look! I'm making an angel! See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. Now, smile while I write my name in you.

Ugh, you think they sell Anacin at the bar? Come on. Get up and dance with me, Peter. This place is sick. Hells, yeah! It is the only rooftop pool in Providence. No offense, but this place is awesome. Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark? Can we... Can we leave, Lois? Actually, we are leaving.

Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other.

(STEWIE SCREAMING) I can't breathe! I can't breathe! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (EXCLAIMING) Oh, gosh, I hope he's all right.

Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi.

(GASPS) Yeah! Peter, how are you doing that? I don't know, Lois. I'm scared. Well, come down. I can't. Get help. Call somebody. Who do I call? I don't know. A police... A fire... A scientist! Call a scientist!

I'm Leslie Uggams! Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place. Hey, I just wanted to keep my bar. I built that thing so my friends would come to see me, not you. Is that so? Let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue to sing! And... How dare you upset me this close to showtime!

He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. 3rd place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

(Male AnnouNcer) You're watching C.B.S. ASIANTOWN. Hey, everybody, I'm home. Oh, you're just in time. I ordered Caucasian for dinner. Chris, I'm hungry.

"Now, let's go to France and steal all their objects de art."

Terrific. Terrific. So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up, what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head?

Okay, Quagmire. Time to take off your training wheels. Okay, I think I'm ready.

The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony.

Yee... How the hell are you gonna do that? Hey, I've gotten people to believe crazier things. And if you are pure of heart and deed you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven. I'm yanking you. You just rot in the ground.

I mean, part of that is you sort of have to know my... - Make me laugh! - Hey, look. Keys. (JINGLING KEYS) (LAUGHING) That's so satirical! What social commentary! Well, now I'm in a wonderful humor. I wish to go for a walk into town.

Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.

Especially Peter.

All the scopes are dead! I can't see a thing! Sorry, that's me. I was still using an electronic device. Okay, that's much better. Now I can see the swamp... The swamp!

No. Let him go.

Now Let's get the hell out of here. Wait A second. Where are you going? The old bag only paid us up through the song. We can just pick up after ourselves. After all, we'll only be here on weekends. No, No, Lois.

Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Ah, I love you so much. I love you, too, honey. Ahh! - What's wrong? - Ahh! Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!

Stewie, gather your things. Time to go. It's about bloody time! Y-- That idiot slattern sent the dog? Oh, oh, oh! Well, this is--this is-- this is, oh, oh! Don't even get me started! I--i--i--I mean, really!

Aw, lucky. But I'm not gay. Okay, I'm gay. (ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil! Neil is such a perfect name for a gay guy.

And there's Warren Buffett. So, the gym teacher says, "How'd you get the two black eyes?" She says, "I don't know." Oh, I forgot to say she's got two big jugs. (LAUGHING) Wow. These are some of the world's smartest people.

- Thanks, Joe. - Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe. - Good thinking. - Yeah, I know how these things go down.

Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to... I'm done. Night, Lois. (SNORING) Come on, you son of a... Oh...me. Brian, would you mind? (GROANS) Yeah, sure.

Dan Quagmire! Wally! Good to see you. This is my son, Glenn. Nice to meet you, Glenn. You should be very proud of your dad. I am, sir.

But every year until his death, from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head, he went to the shore on this day, in hopes that the magic clam would return. Today, we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition. What's that? Something out at sea?

Are you ready? No. Ready!

Good lord, worms? You have worms? I don't have worms, all right? I just got checked for worms. Oh, wait. No, I do have worms.

Sometimes only slightly, sometimes quite radically. The point is every possible eventuality exists. And that's where you got the pig, in a parallel universe. Prepare yourself, Brian, and I'll show you. (BEEPING) (WHIRRING)

Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie. MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States! (EXCLAIMS) He said it! He said it! MAN 2: All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets? (EXCLAIMS) There it is! There it is!

But I was wrong. It appears you two have a genuine bond after all. Wow.

It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault.

That Is So chEap, I MeAN, thIs guy'S thE sAvior. No! No, No, No. You can't back out... Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok? I told you we should've left cookies for Santa. aHh! My couch!

I'm gonna get you fixed up. You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You got to save him!

But aren't you going out with JoAnne Fuller? JoJo? No, she's my neighbor. I've known her forever. She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

All right, this is the place. We got to see if we can find Briggs's girl. Hey, we're looking for a stripper named Tanya. She here tonight? Yeah, she's working the Champagne Room. Follow me.

Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two!

we're gonna have to have an orgy. - Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither.

Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this. You are really starting to take advantage of this whole situation. Peter's just expressing himself. High five for expressing yourself, Peter. High five! All right! This man seems bent on diluting the already watered-down significance... of the elevated hand slap.

Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity. Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh? - Hey, figure it out for yourself, man. - We're freezing our asses off over here. Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh?

JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

That was a lovely service, Francis. Super. And only 3 more hours till school. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?

Hell. Hell has fire. And you know what else? It's got steam heat I got steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love to keep away the cold I goT--

How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland.

Come on, Stewie. It's time to change your diaper. Uh, Mind if I watch? And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man. Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS?

Aw, This meat stinks something fierce! Ha! This ought to knock her down a couple notches. Yay, Meg! Oh, Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days!

And it weren't no accident! His name was Salty. And he was devoured by Daggermouth, the man-eating blowfish. You want to buy that boat? Go ahead, take it. But don't expect me to fish your dead body from an angry sea that gave you fair warning. Are you up for bids, too? You are just precious.

And I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship, just because it was with a man. Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS?

What do you think you're doing, lad? NothinG! Something's wrong with your shower.

Ahh! ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh!

I know. She's like the boy who cried wolf. (BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles! Oh, my God, I'll run and get help.

Hey, I wonder what Peter's up to!

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop!

Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

"but the headaches are getting worse." (GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that!

Carter, get out of here this instant!

All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names.

- Are you serious? - Quite.

My purse! Come on, Greg. Let's roll.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us

I miss Ray. (GROANS) I can't believe Chris would just buy into that army recruiter's sales pitch.

I gotta call my agent. She's probably worried sick about me. It was destroyed in the accident. Well, can I use yours? No reception up here. - Regular phone? - Lines are down. - Pay phone? - Road's closed. E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam. Morse code? Obsolete.

Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out. Really? I thought he hated you. How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card. He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend. But instead, you're going to show up. You got it.

- Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours? - What?

I could see it.

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

Hi. I'm Jennifer. Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it. Really? You want to go throw up? Hey, Dad, let's go whack some moles! Now, Chris, we're not here for fun.

What're you doing, O.J.? Well, I got no money left to pay off my civil suit debt. So I'm making a God's Eye to send to Fred Goldman. It's kind of nice, right? Better than nothing.

Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing? You can't go out dressed like that.

Sure. That sounds great. Oh, and please do not be suspicious that I am at the airport with no baggage whatsoever. A cool name to say with a French accent is Ashton Kutcher. Bye! Thanks!

Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here!

In some way, I think I did. You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, I felt something. It was like an instinct, you know? Both my heart and my wiener somehow knew you were my soul mate. Well... I suppose you did fall for me pretty hard. Don't you see, Lois? I fell in love with you all over again.

Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia. "The don's daughter is getting married tomorrow. "Here's my invitation. "Now get the asterisk- percent-ampersand out of here, you SOB." What's a SOB? Ah!

Admiral, there be whales here! STEWIE: All right, pull in here. The CIA. What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian. What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna...

Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy. Laura Bush killed a guy. Well, come on in. (EXCLAIMING) You know, this is why...

Good night.

God, I'm so angry I could just throw a rock at that poster of David Cassidy.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) What the hell happened? Where is everybody? You don't suppose... You think we're the only people on Earth? I don't know. I tell ya what.

(LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS) Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it! Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas Your mother says you got to have these Now do it double time with new vegetables! Cabbage, taters spinach and peas You already said "peas!" I don't know any more vegetables. Wait a second, hang on there.

It's just been revoked. Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here. (EXCLAIMS) I'll have what she's having. That's better.

and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks! Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our Mommy and Me class. You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident.

What is it? One bedroom, one bath? No, it's a whole apartment.

I don't believe you. I think you are a god. And I will die for you or kill others.

All right, Chris, if we're gonna pay the entry fee for that eating contest, we got to sell some of my old stuff. What are these, Dad? Oh, wow! I haven't seen those in a while. Those are my old Playboys from the '70s. PETER: Oh, my God, this one's so hot. You can almost see a little bit of woman.

I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank.

Oh, my God! What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? We're both here. Oh, my God, we should text each other. Hang up! Hang up! (VIBRATES) (LAUGHING) (PHONE VIBRATES) (EXCLAIMS)

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Peter, watch out! So what can I do for you, Peter? Well, Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal. - Shoot. - Well, you know, I took this test... and it sort of turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, you know, I just wanted to ask...

God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!

37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

And here we have the lounge. Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot!

You again?

Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital!

I want to make you feel beautiful, Lois. Ugh, Peter, stop. Try to stay focused. Ok. You're on.

(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No!

They're all here for your surprise party, Meg. Peter, for God's sake, you idiot! We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!" Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear! Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody?

Oh, my God! Chris was right! Holy crap! Chris, is that thing dangerous? Yes! He's evil! I'm not really evil. (GASPING) It talks! If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything.

Atta girl! Okay, now spit in your own mouth. This is a cool place.

Lois' life insurance policy paid off. I've got more money than Barbra Streisand. Honey, I'm going shopping. And I was gonna valet park. I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise? Actually, I got it on the cruise.

This is Rob, our director. Hey, Brian. Really looking forward to making your show. What's with all those empty seats? Well, that's where the audience is gonna sit. Audience? This isn't a sitcom. It's a drama. Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom.

The end.

- Hello? - Hey, Brady! What kind of suit do you want to be buried in?

Mr. Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now? Oh, Trust me. Painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist. You need an image. Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay, and turn it into the toast of New York. Ha, ha, ha! I love toast! Cut it short and tint it green, the color of money. And boogerS.

No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19,

Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where...

Donny Most Now he rises From the haze Actually, it's Don Most now.

he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep! This doesn't involve you, LOIS! I don't want to have to come in there.

Yes, sir!

Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs!

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

Stewie, we got to get the hell out of here before that loan shark finds us. Yes, you're right.

What the fuck? Peter, what do you say we go get some lunch? Not yet, Lois. I've been watching this woman for three hours waiting for her to turn over. Peter, she knows she untied her bikini. Women don't forget those things. Well, will you go over there - and pour a cold drink on her back? No.

Hey, Here's to family! To family! Oh, Jeez, look at the time! Come on. Come on, kids. Let's get going.

Hey, look, why don't you go bother Joe, huh? I can't. He's in Vegas for the weekend, seeing that handicapped Cher impersonator. If I could turn back time If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Wrong! He had a heart of gold. You're going down. Your husband's in here, ma'am. Lois!

(GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell? (GRUNTS) Look at him in that tank top. He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on match.com. There's no way you're a size six.

You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon. Lois, I could lose my presidency! Too bad! I've already lost more than that! Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes? No. I've lost my respect for you. Oh. Because I need those socks.

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther. Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus! Damn! Lost focus! Life over!

She's right, Lois. Plastic surgery is great! I--I was thinking about having Broderick take a look at my nose. It doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy, or--or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby. You are who you are. Ha. I think I know what you're getting at.

How did you afford that wood stove? Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove store and said, "Put it on my bill."

Okay, okay, who would you rather do? Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first, or Eddie Izzard in drag, but he has a working vagina?

pair of Lee jeans for $9. You know, they got seats for children now. You put them right in your car. Supposed to make them safer. Only problem is you can't lean your seat all the way back. Oh. We gotta do something about this.

This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated.

Oh, yeah. Getting hot in here. I better take my shirt off. (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING)

Stewie? (GUN COCKS) Rupert, we won't give that evil robot the satisfaction of killing us. We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me!

Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode island State Prison? Just one! How could this happen? I thought we lived in suce a nice small town. There's no such thing anymore, Lois.

Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement. Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you?

there's no limit to what I... Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth!

even though it was the part of the park where the gay guys go to have sex. To be, or not to be... (MAN 1 GRUNTING) MAN 2: Harder! Ignore that, that's not part of the play. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler... MAN 1: This isn't love, by the way.

I know this whole trip has been a mess. Well, It hasn't been all bad. I must admit, there have been some moments that were, dare I say, fun. We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're having the time of our lives

What is thy bidding, my master? Hey, I'm downloading all my music to my iPod 'cause I'm getting rid of my CDs. Do you have any desire for Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily? No.

Brian, wait. Maybe--Maybe we should stick with the group. Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible!

Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? Um, yeah, I'll-- I'll have 3 cheeseburgers. Peter, For God's sake! She's having a baby! Oh, That's right. A-And a kid's meal.

Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately!

Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort! Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation. I am very angry with you. Geez, what's your problem?

- Peter. - Lois. - God. - Allah. Look, I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate. She and Mayor West never would've made it. Oh, yeah? Well, nobody believed we'd make it, and look at us now. I drink, and you use sex as a weapon. That seems to me like a successful New England marriage.

What's moose stuff? Whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake.

Okay, guys, tell me again. Now, which one do I press to shoot now? PETER: Damn it! Crap. PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new.

Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine. Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now. All right. Here.

Mintos, the Freshmaker.

- All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens?

Do you think so?

Calling out around the world Are you ready for a brand-new beat? Summer's here, and the time is right BOTH: For dancing in the street Dancing in Chicago Dancing in the street Down in New Orleans

Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow. Oh, God, my leg is killing me. Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine,

(SIGHS) I am sorry there has been conflict between us. Allow me to make amends. Please, help yourself to anything in my corn hole. Hey, don't worry about it. We can still be pals.

(SNAPS) (POPPING) (HORN BLOWS) (YELPS)

I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter!

Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you have three crushed ribs, but I was able to stop the internal bleeding. Doctor, this has happened seven times in the last month.

Aah! Ugh. Taste that? That's the taste of beach justicE.

- No. That's orbit. - Huh?

Oh, my God. We're all gonna die! That's not true. We'll survive by eating each other. But I think it's important for the last one of us left alive to know this story. The story of the Griffin family history. Here's how it all began. Everything started with the big bang. It was a Saturday night, and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling.

(GRUNTING) (HISSES) (GRUNTING) (HISSES) Hey, get out here and fight me! (GRUNTS)

And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM)

I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board. This is my son! Oh, My apologies. Hey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid! Don't listen to him, ChrIs. I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait herE.

Yeah, maybe somebody should have asked me. After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience. All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now. What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why. Really? You don't know why?

You can't do anything, Peter. These days, women have all the power in the workplace. You know, I never told you guys this, but my police captain is a woman. One day, she wheeled me into her office and then made me have sex with her. It was awful. Oh, my God, that must have scarred you for life. No, I was into it. It was just awful sex.

You know, you guys are funny, but I got a confession to make. I'm a pretty funny guy myself. Maybe I say a few things here, maybe I get a few laughs, maybe you guys put me in one of your pictures. Well, yeah, I suppose it's possible. Yeah, we've got all kinds of roles available. Speaking roles, background roles. Background would be good for you.

Whatever. (TV CHATTERING) Griffin! Did you call the distributor about the... What? What's the problem? Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll stay late. No, that's not it, Griffin. There's... There's something different about you.

So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo. - No, I don't. - Is that Ziggy? - No. - You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? I just used to think he was kind of funny.

Your hate has made you powerful. Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side. Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects? I'll never join the dark side.

(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Meg.

You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull! I came here 'cause I wanted to get Denise back and instead, you ruined my life! These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot. This course is in getting laid, not finding love. So, what's the point? If you never find love, then it's just meaningless sex. How will I get the woman of my dreams?

And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it! I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off? You let me worry about that, kitten.

I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead.

BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on. See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now. It's just weird, Brian. I still don't think I'm comfortable with the whole idea. Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized,

(WRAPPER CRINKLING) Well, now nobody gets them.

You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectful than that. Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch. Oh, my God! Chris is gonna murder Mrs. Lockhart's husband! We got to stop him! Can we stop at the supermarket? I want a Granny Smith apple.

That's the Pumpkin Festival.

And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Oh, Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop. Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve.

I just want some colored Easter eggs I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz We don't know what Christmas is! We have something else called Gishgemfloofneer!

Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand!

He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast. You know what? It's fine. I have a preliminary sketch here. Is this the man who assaulted you? Peter, they're never gonna take you back. You got fired for racist drawings.

I never do computer dating. Yeah. Me, neither. So, you're 27?

Lois, I'm home. Peter. Daddy.

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you."

Okay, first of all, can... (ECHOING) What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? Okay, we're about to start the... (ECHOING) Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town.

(GROANING) Ooh, that's gotta hurt. (ANNOUNCER LAUGHING) And introducing that joke!

Hold out your stockings, kids! Chris, you can't join the army. You're too young. Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck. Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape.

Now, Peter, this is your silverware. You see, this is your fork, and this is a knife. That's not a knife. That's a knife. This is also a knife. Oh. Well, I'll be on my way. I want to see more of him, and then suddenly none of him. Forever.

I didn't mean "oh, my God," either. I know--I know he's your God, too. I... Shh. And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to-- Uh-oh!

Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.

but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. Ooh! Big red button! (BEEPING) Stewie, no!

I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done.

God! It's Cleveland and Bob Hope. Oh, well. The damage is done. Better get them out of here. Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement with a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel. What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think.

I have a time machine.

I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

All right, Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these beanbags. I don't know how to juggle-- God help you, Cloris! Juggle the beanbags! You may begin your exam now.

Ok, buddy.

One gift is okay.

Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first.

Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you? No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this'll be worth a few yucks." But, no, Lois, that title wrote a check that those queers on stage refused to cash. Peter, we're going.

I am such a ghost!

What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M.

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

and we'll call it Handiquacks?

CARTER: Look at that, huh? Look at the crappy job your friends are doing. And here's something that's gonna piss you off even more. Fire at will! Gee, Dr. Smith, this doesn't seem like a very safe place to be. (CRYING) William!

This is why Boxbuster went out of business. Hey, what's going on over there? (BOTH GASP)

Road House.

A lot. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that!

What's wrong with you? What? I just wanna share my throbbing emotions and shoot hot hug all over you. I don't get why that's a problem. Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay? You, too. Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped? I killed it and ate it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!

You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me. All right, I'm gonna take a hike. (THUD) So, you gonna introduce me to your pals?

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian?

If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. Sperm whales and seamen. A swallow.

Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back! Oh, thank God. We made it.

Mom? Dad? I'm home! Who are you? We're the Griffins. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights.

Come on, buddy. Let's go! I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have,

(CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports. Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid. Yeah, this isn't working out. All right, sorry, we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home.

Leave me alone!

Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat. What's the matter? Let me in. I don't know. It's just... How come it's so hard to meet the right woman? I think maybe it's just time for me to give up. Come on, Brian. You can't give up. Everything could change in a moment. That's what happened with the Kennedy assassination. I'm sorry, gentlemen. Despite our best efforts,

I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator. Ah, I'm hungry. What do we got? Let's see. Eye drops, baking soda and some film. OLD MAN: Close the door. You're running up long distance charges! (DOOR BELL RINGS) Ah, sorry. Thought I had more time. Hi, Daddy. Stewie's all ready. You boys have fun. There's my little guy.

Hey, Rupert, what if the refrigerator was a monster that talked like this? (IN GRUFF VOICE) I am a monster. I am going to bite your fingers. Here I come. I'm going to get you. Ah! I don't want to play anymore. Normal voice, normal voice. The refrigerator can't hurt me. Okay?

Scared? Of what? Of me! Look at these people, giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums! If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything. I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight,

I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing Just take it off

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

Tricia Takanawa. What are you doing here? Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon. (MAN SINGING)

I have a crossbow! Chris has a crossbow.

Come on, Brian, you know this We're all rich And we're all at least in our late 50s Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this

I'm gonna be a woman at work who cannot get sick right now. (SNEEZES) Sweetie, maybe you need to go home. I'm not going home. I cannot get sick right now. I have way too much to do. It's okay, everyone will understand. No. I cannot get sick right now. There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower, and with this move, I just cannot get sick right now.

Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, You might want to give that a minute or 2. I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell! But I do it every day. Sometimes twice. Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again!

What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why? Why? Why?

Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking. What did you say to me? Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane! That's not even the same... (EXCLAIMING) What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar!

What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy?

Brian, what the hell? Uh, hey, Lois. (GASPS) The jig's up, Brian! Run! Brian, is this how you're trying to pass your drug test? By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick! No. What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol.

Guess that's it. You probably want me to get out of your hair. So here's the Drano in case there's a clog. Uh, soap's right there next to the radio, and towels are on the roof. So, goodnight. Look, it's one thing for a network to run inappropriate shows that I can't do anything about.

Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail. Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... (VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video?

(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS) (EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet. What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS)

I'll pay. I'm gonna pay for us. You'll get it next time. Yeah! So, you were in prison, right? Killed a man? I'm sure it was in self-defense. No, I just felt like killing. (LAUGHING) Ah! You tell the best stories! Me and my three eggs are having the best time!

And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists? Look at Julie, Brian. She's absolutely beautiful.

All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations. Thanks, Regis. REGIS: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show." So, we need five consonants and a vowel. Oh, okay. Um... "Z." Four. "Q." Another "Q."

That's a fine machine, Peter. Peter, how can we afford this? Let's just say the car was a steal. Say that again. The car was a steal. This time without winking.

which makes me think that I'm gonna grow up to be good-looking. What part of that statement is supposed to lure me into a conversation? I talk to you about wet tennis balls. Oh, come on! STEWIE: We're in a fight! Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath? Lois?

It's sad to think that Quahog isn't safe for families anymore. I mean, all I ever wanted was to raise our children in a wholesome place, far away from all the crime and problems of the big city. I'm reading you, Lois. I'm reading you loud and clear.

Where's your desk? Doug knows where my desk is. Craig, are you good with this? Yeah, that should work out pretty good for me, too. - What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house!

First off, never forget your objective. There are gonna be so many folks coming at you to slow you down, you might feel like you got a bull's-eye on your head. No, but they will be trying to kill you. Also, don't forget you have teammates out there watching your back.

(CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.

Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. (GROWLING) I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. It won't happen again. I love you, Mommy dearest. (GROANS) (GROWLING)

(MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell?

Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle. Childhood obesity. Lois, come on, what are you doing? I can't do it, Peter.

I can't smell it, no. I might be able to see it, though. A lot of people make small movements when they fart. They twitch their eye or something. Oh, like subtle giveaways, huh?

You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Ah! Another day of being huge. Good morning, guns of...

But, I guess every girl has her own version of Prince Charming. I'm in love with Paul. I'm in love with John. You know what? I'm in love with Ringo. What? Um, I said... I don't know what I said. Sounded like you said you were in love with Ringo. Um, I don't think so. Pretty sure you said, "I'm in love with Ringo." Here I am.

(EXPLOSION)

And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin! (CROWD CHEERING) Okay, here's the rules.

Help me! It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Ha! All right, I'm gonna lower you in. I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age? Hurry up! The glue's wearing off! All right! All right!

- Are you Jesus Christ? - No. Oh, my God, you are! - You're Jesus Christ! - No, I'm not.

So you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions? I just think Meg is really cool, and I want to get to know her better. You know, Michael, my daughter's womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed. Neither is her lower back or her hair. I understand. Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see.

Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this.

- What's the matter, Glenn? - Nothing. Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you. - Me, too. - But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight!

Mr. Penisberg, I quit. Penisberg?

Whoa, whoa, What the hell are you doing? Don't eat that. Oh, For God's sake! Don't be such a nerd! Look, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you.

Stop that, young lady. I'm just out here for fun... PETER: Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you little bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your life,

Ha! That's awesome! Go on. Uh, um, "tell you. I--I saw Doctor--" Wow! Wow! Yes! Yes! I love it! "...Uh, Doctor Philips today. I might not make it to Christmas." Oh, yeah, Drop the bomb. Drop it. There's not a dry eye in the house. Keep going. No, you know what? I'm gonna stop. Uh, m-Maybe we'll work on it later.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Is this the Griffin household? Yes. There was a fire at Quahog Liquor last night. No people were killed, but the burned body of a dog was found inside. The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened?

You know, I am a huge Snuggly Jeff fan. I've read all the books. Great. Hey, can you hand me my cell phone? I gotta call my agent. She's probably worried sick about me. It was destroyed in the accident. Well, can I use yours? No reception up here. - Regular phone? - Lines are down. - Pay phone? - Road's closed. E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam. Morse code? Obsolete. Brain-damaged bicycle courier?

Peter, this--this is a detox clinic. You can't vacation here. Why not? This place is way better than a cruise. Y-You should've seen it. I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today. Peter, This isn't a vacation for me.

All right, men, this is it. Technology versus old-timey wooden stuff.

So what do I gotta do, Doc?

You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers.

Oh, There's a Comfort Inn. Really? Yeah. Good luck for us, huh? You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs, it's kind of cozy. ah, Isn't this exciting? Hey, Anyone got a light? Thanks. Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists.

Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? Peter, you're, uh-- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories. But First I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things, and-- Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.

(SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do

This court will now come to ordER. Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun

KENNETH: This could take a while. ...eaten by sharks while snorkeling... ...stabbed to death in a Toys R Us bathroom. ...1940s roller skate left in the hall. ...death by chocolate... No, no, leave it in. ...had a heart attack and have slipped into a coma. KENNETH: Here we go. In that case, I leave control of my company, Pewterschmidt Industries, to my daughter Lois.

You've got to look your best tonight You tubby little parasite 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it there are things you must do

(PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

Han? What are you doing here? Chewie? Is that you? Yeah, it's me. I got caught eating out of Jabba's trash. Well, I guess the good news is we're not being pushed into a giant anus in the desert. - What's wrong with your eyes? - I'm blind. It's part of the hibernation sickness. That and these lesions,

Um... Leia, wow. I didn't get raped. Okay? Okay. - Okay? - Okay! I'm here to bargain for Han Solo and the rest of my friends. What's your price? Master Luke, be careful! You're standing on...

Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates. I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes. Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price. (LAUGHS) All right. Maybe I'll have one.

Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy. Glenn, we are so thrilled for you. Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back,

Ow! Oh! My side! (GROANING)

PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING)

Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

What? Oh, That. Yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out. See that sign? Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble. Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness? What do you mean, honey?

Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!

These are mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug. Makes you see weird things and feel happy for a few hours. I figure we're going to be stuck inside for a while with this storm, so, it'll be a fun way to pass the time.

Oh, Meg, all your suicide threats over the years, and you're just as chicken shit as the rest of us. Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us. In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets. If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit.

(MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois. Uh, I can't. I have cramps. Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself?

This puts me in a tough spot. Joe, you can't possibly believe this. You know who Peter is. I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork. Oh, come on, this is identity theft. I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.

I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store. It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it!

Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone!

How about you, Peter?

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.

Come on, dudes, let's go exercise. Exercise! Yeah! I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself.

I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!

JOYCE: Singled out for special recognition in orchestrating today's drug bust was Officer Joe Swanson. It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight. Is that a thing? It's a great thing. (CHEERING) - Great job, Joe! Way to go! There he is!

Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie?

Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.

I'm sorry, Lois. I was a fool. I'm done with Kathy. Can you ever forgive me? (CRYING) Peter, settle down. Yes, I forgive you. Just as long as you're done with that stupid cutout. I just want you to know that every time I was with her, I was thinking of you.

And My best friend is going to incredible lengths to ignore me. Brian, don't let him get to you. Peter, come out of that thing! He can't hear you, Lois. Besides, it's--it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father. I'm sorry. I talked to him. But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn.

Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

oh, Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?

- Are you queer? - Probably. Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. How can you be bored? This convention has everything. You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. (SCREAMING) Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him?

Stewie! Stewie! Stewie, you okay? You gotta kiss him to wake him up. What? I'm not gonna kiss you. Stewie can't hear you. He's not awake. Only a kiss will wake him up.

What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Sports! Birthday sports! No, just sports! Oh. Okay. Meg, you're not invited to my party.

Hey, what are you doing? Lois, where is my Red Bull? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden.

Ow! Bitch!

So, what happened? Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass!

Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum, or cotton candy, or a stuffed animal? How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun. You can hit your friend on the head with it. But don't hit him on the head with it. Yeah, thanks. I don't really need any of that stuff. You got any dents you need hammered out?

- Would you like to dance? - Sure! No one's ever asked me to dance before. f wanna iitterhug Jitterbug You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky high when your lo Vin I starts

Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me. With Stewart out of the picture, this whole playground is under my control.

I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know!

Yeah, even school's getting more dangerous. The bullies have been so busy, they're outsourcing their bullying to India. MAN ON PHONE: Okay, do you see the back of your underwear in the mirror? Yes. Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can.

Are we trash? - Kinda. - Oh.

After they pelted you with meat? Did you forget how the neighbor Kids chased after you and tried to sprinkle you with Fixin's? Yes, I did!

Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear. Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their A squad.

time for batting practice. Guillermo, you're up. Unfortunately Johnson isn't here to pitch today. His wife is in labor. Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch. ha! I don't know what's more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity. Oh, how hard--

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim litz? It is you.

Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you. I will never be attracted to you! You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah

Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day

(SCREAMING) (CHOKING)

And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do.

Oh! Yeah, I didn't watch that.

Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before?

What? You've never seen a handicapped man before? They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe.

Oh, This is cute. Oh, my God.

(INAUDIBLE) Okay, there's a book signing at the Barnes and Noble on Union Square at 5:00. And then at 7:00 you're meeting with a reporter from In Style magazine at Pastis. I just want to warn you, she's very heavy. So be prepared for that. Jeez, how heavy? I don't know, but apparently heavy enough that they felt they needed to warn me.

Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

We did it.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but the "No Child Left Behind" law cost us our federal funding because our students' test scores were too low. They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores?

You know, I'll admit it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying... Grab him! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Get his paw! Hold still! Push him down onto all fours! No. What are you do... I don't want to do this. If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!

Well, maybe you should talk to her. Peter, believe me. If she'd take me back, I'd go in a second. But she won't. So as much as I love her, moot point. Moving on. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, gotta go and drain the eel. It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse? No, now you're being acute. RED: That time in the hole changed old Andy.

- Does she have an alibi? - For what? Why would she need an alibi? So, you're saying she does not have an alibi. Well, no. Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi. She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly

Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? (ALL LAUGHING)

the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Weaf World/Road Rules Challenge. You hate MTV.

Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy. First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way. Peter, it's the male equivalent of a woman getting her tubes tied, except, it's actually a lot quicker and safer. Let these guys explain. A vasectomy's a medical procedure

My hat! Wear it now. Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down.

Ah! That was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.

I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

I love you. Fuck off.

This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us. It's an opportunity to come up with our own names. I'm Tomax and this is Xamot. We're twins who can feel each other's pain. Ow!

Ah. Peter, How the hell can you afford lobster on your salary? I got a raise. What? Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold. Hi, Kenneth. hey, Did I get any mail?

That was so humiliating!

You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right? Uh-huh. I know what you're thinking. Stewie's so late to the yoga party. I'm not even any good. Right? I mean, I'm okay. You know, I'm not the worst in the class. I've even been singled out a few times. Probably because it's mostly pregnant women in the group.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

You broke me will Oh, what a thrill Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing? You know, just that he hates you. - Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying,

He's a family guy Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come.

Hey, buddy. Close the door! I don't want to see the light. Aw, Come on, Joe. Cheer up, huh?

(LAUGHING)

- Dick York? - No. Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent.

Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up!

All right. Listen to me, you long-neck bastard! You give me the scroll, and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcakE. 2 more dead from alcohol poisoning. Hmm. Looking for that scroll, huh?

Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Hey, muscly arm, why the long face? Oh, It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something. Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Well, sure. Then you need to come on down to the cellar.

If you've got something to say, say it to my face!

Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie. Yeah, Matthew, that pizza pie was delicious. Hey, watch out, crazy driver. That joker must have been from Jefferson High. (ALL LAUGHING) They're our rivals. Well, here we are at the make out point. Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong?

Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this. Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm somebody now, you know? I don't have to lie to people about my life anymore. Oh, I am so happy for you, Peter. What the hell happened to you? I fell down the stairs.

Don't worry, Chris. I'll handle the bear. Say hello to Satan for me! ahhh! It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin.

Quiet, young man. Can't you see we're having a poker game? Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some?

Leafers! Holy crap! We gotta get outta herE! What about the boat? Leave it! Hurry, Peter! They're almost here!

Well, we're getting a good view of the chase from up here, Tom. That's right, Diane. We're looking at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings, the man we believe to be Al Cowlings. We'll stay with the chase. Um, it seems like a futile effort on their part, Diane. At some point, that horse is going to have to stop and eat some grain. PETER: But luck was on their side and eventually, they made it to the North. After that, Nate devoted his life

We agreed that every Sunday, we'd do something together. (MEG CLEARS THROAT) What? Oh, nothing. I was just clearing my throat. Good. I thought you were going to say something. But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games!

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Hey! Hey, everybody. Hey." (IN NORMAL VOICE) Ah! What's this one? Who's this guy? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Who am I? "I need a character. I need a backstory. "I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies." Oh, man. See, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic.

Oh, my God. How are we supposed to get across this? We have to walk on those ladders? Guys, be sure to look down the whole time. It's really deep and freaky and disorienting.

If all of us, everywhere, can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, even in hard times, but if we don't, we may have to give up Christmas altogether.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.

Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother! Oh! Gentlemen, I propose We send a message to tobacco companies everywhere, by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars! That's the spirit, Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective.

Hey, let's have a drink with them. You've never touched a drop, Peter. You don't even know those guys. Those are your friends over there. Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here. Some people, gee whiz. Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan. Do I at least call him Jon?

Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris? Okay, Mom. (PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs! (PLAYS OFF-KEY)

We love this pilot!

Ok, as soon as I seduce him, get ready to snap the picture. Peter, You're really gonna try and seduce Luke Perry? Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg. So, I'm sure I can take a... There he is.

You may start your exams now. - Well, how'd you do? - I failed.

You know what? I'm tired of this. I booked you a boxing match. Son of a bitch! Damn it, Peter. I told you, I don't want to be a boxer! Who the hell do you think you are? There you go! Use that anger! Hey, remember when I said I think it's hot when you wear a sports bra and gym shorts underneath your dress? Yeah? Now, put these shoes on. Stop it, you jackass!

What Year did K.I.S.S. appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special? Trick question. It was Paul Lynde. And it was 1975. Now Recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention. "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972. Exemplary. Rock and roll.

Don't worry. I've got a decoy. Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh? Well, I never! That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes. You know, We all really miss you. And Peter talks about you all the time. Oh, Really? Anything nice? No.

Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!

It's not that good. But it's not that bad. It's so-so. Uh, More or less. Hey, Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage? Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that? I got to bed around 2:00, 2:30. Do you know what Joe said the street value of that cocaine would've been?

He doesn't like you. Sorry. I don't like you either. You don't even know me. You know what? That's fair. I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott. He's visiting from Hoth. I don't know why they call it Hoth. They should call it Coldth. Okay, settle down.

I always love hearing that story, Mom. I got a story about a fat guy who's starving and bored. Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started.

It's hard to believe he's the same dog who barked at a pineapple for four hours. Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you? There's the man of the hour. Hey, Brian, can you believe I found this blazer on the side of the highway? Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Big night, Brian. How you feeling? Well, a little nervous. I just want it to go well.

And don't lie, or I'll tell Jennifer Connelly that you're the one who's been mailing her those dog heads. Yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore. Okay, fine, Meg! I used the body to get me into R-rated movies. After that, I took him swimming and he fell apart. Chris, Mr. Dougan's wake is tomorrow, and there's going to be a body in that casket.

It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head.

(LAUGHING) No. No, we have fun. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God. Two tickets for a cruise. Brian, this is wonderful. What the hell? Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

ew, How did you do that? Oh, wEll, uH, Let's just say, when I was younger, I, uh, did some films I'm not... particularly proud of. WEll, That does it for me. Let's go, Peter.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help! Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger. Oh, He's teaching a class.

I really like you, Sandy. I really like you, too, Peter. Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? Yeah. How about here? (LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE) Oh, stop, I'm...

Jobs are for suckers. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on. Go ahead, kid. Try it out. Um, Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw.

- Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman. This is where they edit the show together. Lauren, we got a rough cut of next week's episode. Can you cue that up, Terry? Sure. I need to be, like, fine to be alone.

Oh, thank you, but that's just my gums bleeding from aggressive gingivitis.

Hello. I know. I saw. Glenn. Brian. What? Are you serious? I feel like I didn't get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose? All right. But I think this whole thing is about as pointless as Peter's cow-kite.

Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog. Oh, You're right here, aren't you? Oh, well, I stand by it. My future is with Jolly Farm. You really think that, don't you? I know it. Ok, We've got 3 days until Peter and Lois get back from their K.I.S.S. concerts.

You're not welcome here! Go away!

with U.S. Steel. What do you goT? 2 pair. Ace-high straight. You sold me out. I could use a man like you. How's A million a year sound? You disgust me! Get out of my face! Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted. Yeah. How'd you know he was bluffing? Well, When he lies, he blinks twice.

BOTH: Well, what do you know about that? Hey, Chris, it's me. I got something for you here. What is it? I caught you a bullfrog outside.

Hey, hey, hey. The Easter Bunny is here. Happy Easter!

Lois, you're not gonna believe this. Quagmire's dad's gay. What? Quagmire never said anything about that. I don't think he knows. It's like he doesn't even notice it. Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay? A lot of little things. The way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the complete DVD set of Sex and the City between his butt cheeks. Peter, no, he didn't!

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school?

Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. Come on. You're worrying about nothing.

Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff.

Peter, what're you doing? Crack.

Lando to Enterprise! Draw their fire away from the cruisers! We're having tea, thank you very much. Yes, tea.

I only hear what I want to I've had it. The only place in town that's got power is Superstore USA while the rest of us are left to bake in the heat. There's gotta be something we can do to take that place down. Don't worry, Brian. I think I've got an idea. BOTH: Uh-huh.

Please rise. Now sit on it. The Fonz be with you. And also with you. Let us "Eh." "Eh."

Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin. I understand you children read my book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel? Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed.

Excuse me, while I get a little more comfortable. Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman.

He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy, the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings. (INAUDIBLE) Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing. Sensing the impending battle,

You people are a circus. Finally, I'm part of a movement of regular people trying to take back our government.

- Glenn? - Sorry, sorry. Damn thing can't tell the difference. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, dear!

Well, Lois, I'm off to my first day as a corporate bigwig.

I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs.

How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.

(GRUNTS) Does anyone need the remote? Oh, my God! What the hell happened to Stewie? Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this?

Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?

Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." Let me see that! Did you forge my name? Oh, Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight! Face it, Lois. I'm a nobody. Why can't I be famous like Bob? Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin?

WOODS: Hello, stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home. Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here.

By not using you to your full potential. You have too much talent for the stage. You should, uh... Be, uh, you... You should be a producer. A producer? Gee, I don't know. Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal.

Hey, Come on, y-y-you have a--you have a great job. Yeah, y-y-you're doing-- You're doing good.

You know, We've had a lot of laughs tonight. But I'll tell you what's not funny. Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind the curtain of the V.I.P. room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone.

All right, past. Here I come. Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Who's laughing now? I got my hat. Hey, guys. I stopped at Pinkberry and I got some for everybody. Wow, thanks! You're welcome.

Oh, wait, now they're telling me they do want to show it. I really like the finish on this Shiraz... Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends.

The coffee is delicious, Martha. A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing. Well, I think it's a crappy thing!

MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister.

And then Jerry guessed that her name was "Mulva." That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends. You know, the way we just hang out, before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this.

Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

There you are, you son of a bitch. You get away from my daughter, you pervert.

Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything. You want me to drag my sack across your face? What? (STUTTERING) I'm sorry, it's... When one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I cheer... Listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm not very good in these types of situations.

God, Meg's kidnappers could be anywhere in France by now. Well, we do have one lead, Brian. I have a recording of the kidnapper's voice. What? You do? How? I recorded the kidnapper's phone call with the fat man. You see, Brian, I record all phone calls coming in or out of the house. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yep. This one's one of my faves.

Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter?

Wow, congratulations, Meg.

Hey, what are you doing with my laptop? Going through your stuff. Why were you getting MapQuest directions to Abigail Breslin's house? I just think she's a one-of-a-kind spirit, and I don't want to see her go down the wrong... What the hell are you doing going through my personal stuff? You should really clear your history. I noticed you googled yourself, you egomaniac. Whoa, whoa, that... That wasn't me. Maybe Lois got on there. Uh-huh, uh-huh...

We got our entry fee for the eating contest! Now for the next five days, we're gonna focus on nothing but training. We'll even get up at the crack of dawn. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (WHISPERING) Dad? Dad, it's time to get up. Oh, Jeez, Chris, it's the crack of dawn.

Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here.

they'll produce Shakespeare. Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good!

Did you hear? I am to be married!

Mi amor. (MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Papa!

perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian, did you see that treadmill - in the living room? Yeah.

I'm gonna order me some cheap cognac and put it in a fancy glass.

I'm sorry. Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking. He embraced... Oh, God, I'm gonna move over here. He embraced it on his own, Lois. Well, after Rush opened my eyes, I am seeing the world in a whole new way now. To quote a famous troublemaker, "I have a dream..."

Yeah, I think I'm going to get out. (MOANING) Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

I got to be Henry VIII in 20 minutes. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Got it.

I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials. Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. What's your problem?

Bye. Ah, Wow! Such a small world. He was a nice boy. And he's still nice. Listen, Lois, uh, what I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world! My wife did K.I.S.S.! - And J. Geils. - What? Nothing.

Good Lord, I'm naked! And why am I holding a dinner platter that says "McCain-Feingold"? (LAUGHING) That's pretty good. That's funny. You don't get it. No, no. I totally get it.

I mean, it's one thing to have him help you out with a busy schedule. It's another thing to let him wash your back. Well, he does more than that, Brian. Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard. Look at me. I'm George Bernard Shaw. (LAUGHING) That's awful funny, Stewie. I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is, but you look like an old Stewie, Stewie.

Were you followed? Don't worry. I've got a decoy. Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh? Well, I never! That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes. You know, We all really miss you. And Peter talks about you all the time. Oh, Really? Anything nice?

Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar. (HOARSELY) It's a trap.

Come back home, Brian. I tell you what. When this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of Cool Whip. There it is again. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? (SIGHS) That's exactly why I miss you, Brian. Forget it. I'm not going back as long as that new dog is there. As long as he's a part of that family, there's no place for me.

Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up.

He'd have to believe you. You're God's go-to guy. Well, Your father is entitled to his opinion.

Okay, relax, Brian, there's no way they'd replace you. But it probably couldn't hurt to remind them how much they value you as a family member.

We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord? Nothing. Back to your turnips. Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta. Wow, Mom. You look pretty. Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance... my father never let me take when I was younger.

don't touch anything before I have a chance to disinfect it.

All right! I'm the man! Yeah! Hold onto this, Stewie. It'll be a souvenir of your first major-league game with your dad. My God. I-I shall cherish this forever. I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. Sure! What did you learn?

All I want to do is help people. JOYCE: Child of the Month, Angus Reed. Good luck with your dream, Angus. We believe in you. What a weird little guy. Thanks, Joyce. How old do they usually live to be, by the way? Well, you never see a gray-haired one. So inspiring.

I knew you were awake. You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power. Ahh! No, damN you! damn you, Let me go! Ahh! Ahh!

Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning? You want to play with one of Daddy's socks?

Why Peter look sad? Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town, but no one want wheel. Everyone excited about trapezoid. No one buy wheel.

At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.

- There's one of Dad's fingers. - We have to hurry. I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached.

(LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Oh, my God! Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Yeah. That's a great scene. I love that scene. It's noted in every annal. I have no idea what they're talking about. It's like they're speaking a different language. That's where I lose interest and I go away. They're speaking Italian!

oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What? Oh, come on, You look like Charlie Brown. Bite me, Snoopy.

Oh, for definite. It's just like a childhood game of Hide and Find! You said it, friend! What do you say for celebration, we go dunk our whistles in the trough? Oh, we should totally phone Gaspard! Oh, he would love to hear this tale! Oh, but I only have 15 pfennigs on my phone card. Happy Gerbitz Day. (BOTH EXCLAIMING)

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (MALE ANNOUNCER READING) WHoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (MALE ANNOUNCER READING) You tell me how that got in there. (WHOOPS)

Yeah. Speaking role or background role, either one would be good. You know, I'm really good at sight gags. Oh! I didn't mean to do that. Now it's everywhere! That's comedy. (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? That's not funny. Oh, well, interesting opinion, Lois. Gee, I wonder if there's anyone else at this table who's maybe more qualified to say what's funny than you are.

(CROWD CHATTERING) What is going on here? We're all protesting the Sex Ed class that's being taught to our children. Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the school board has voted to cancel your Sex Ed class. Look, Principal Shepherd, I know my husband acted inappropriately. Oh, it's not because of your husband.

My God, what is wrong with you? I swear to God that was supposed to be "food fight." I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble.

If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Hills. Justin Bobby was supposed to be here already. - Are you still going out with him? - I guess so. I hate how he pushes his bangs out of his face with every word he says. Order me a beer. I have to find a spot for my motorcycle. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, guys.

Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! I think we're doomed. Nah.

Just hang it up. Why do you have to narrate everything you do? Peter, you want to put the star on top of the... Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this. Wait a second. It's coming. There it is! Huh?

(ALL GRUMBLING) The first thing we need is a system of rules that everyone must live by. Gotta have rules. And since we can't spend all our time making rules, I think that we should elect some people to represent us,

it sure has, diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, "go back where you came from."

Uh-oh.

(BUZZER SOUNDING) ANNOUNCER: We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated! (CHEERING) Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies. They're shiny. Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

Look what I made for the game. What's that mean, anyway? "And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox.'" Dad, don't you have to work today? It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of. Hello? Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash.

Where should we sit? That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod. Whoa! Whoa!

I-- I mean, will you all excuse me, please? Stewie, did--did you unhook mommy's bra?

Done. Peter!

Nothing. I just figured out why cats are better than babies. Well, that's kind of a broad statement. Okay, 2820 Ocean, this is it.

(HUMMING STAR WARS BATTLE THEME)

Hey, maybe my name is on this collar. "Cremate, don't bury." Okay, that's a downer. You know what? I'm gettin' a feeling about my name. I think my name might be Shirt Pants. Shirt Pants? What kind of name is that? I don't know. What's your name? I kinda think it's Manly Walker. Wheeler? No, Walker. Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right.

(LAUGHING) You're all wet.

PETER: No. No, no. No, not you, Seamus. SEAMUS: Ah, poo. All right, listen up, ladies. We got something to say and we ain't taking no for an answer. We are going on a road trip. We don't know how long we'll be gone, and don't expect a call from us to check in.

thereby changing the past and erasing me. But what has that got to do with... I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history, I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently create it. So the universe never existed!

Uh, um, "tell you. I--I saw Doctor--" Wow! Wow! Yes! Yes! I love it! "...Uh, Doctor Philips today. I might not make it to Christmas." Oh, yeah, Drop the bomb. Drop it. There's not a dry eye in the house. Keep going. No, you know what? I'm gonna stop. Uh, m-Maybe we'll work on it later. Ok, w-well, Just so you know, it was good. But, uh, I was also being pretty generous.

Eww! It's everywhere! It's ok. Meg, hand me my sweater.

Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread? No. Well, go see that movie and absorb its message, and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. Carl, this isn't fair! All right, then, you're fired. What? But... No, you can't...

(BARKING) (WHISTLING) (BARKING)

I hate Chris! He's such a jerk! Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused about who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister. I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! (SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg. I've been at this for 45 minutes.

Dad, I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Listen, I feel awful about the things I said last night. I was selfish. You weren't selfish. I realize I put a lot on you. I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this.

Chris, honey, we wouldn't miss your open house. You kids are the most important thing in our lives. Oh, my God! We forgot Meg. Don't worry about Meg. She's got everything she needs in her room.

Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

Cheryl Tiegs. Nice. I really like this restaurant. You seem to like everything. Brian, you're acting a little distant. Yeah, get whatever you want. Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here.

All right, look, we're sorry we deceived you girls, but this is important. The trail leads to a bartender who works here. He could be the source of the dirty joke. Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen?

Cleve, please. We're busy looking at Playboy. Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds. This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body? Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion.

I was there!

Handsome? (SPUTTERING GIBBERISH) Wow!

Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back. And as I recall, I don't really care for you!

And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench. It's not a big deal. Can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something? Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale. Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only gonna go up.

Yeah, yeah, I do remember her saying that about me. Evan. What are you doing here? I brought him. Lois, you didn't tell me you were bringing Evan here. We bonded over the Red Sox one time, and now he's got to bring it up every time I see him. How about those Red Sox, Peter? Yeah, how about 'em, Evan? They exist. - How about last season, huh? - Yep. How about next season? We'll see.

Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where? To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming! Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, but I'm not driving you to the North Pole.

Stay out of it, Herb! You're not even his real father.

(MOCK SNORING) Oh, wake me up when you got something good. Oh, my goodness, sarcastic sleeping.

(CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

(GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way. Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful.

Let's go, lover. Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test.

Where you going, Chris? Who are you going to turn to? You don't even have any friends. (RINGS DOORBELL) Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you? Live with me? My goodness, I feel like I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.

How do we stop her? How do we stop the Pelosi agenda... Hey, I'll tell you how. You strap her to a board, put a cloth in her mouth, and pour water over it to simulate drowning. Yeah! Small government! And why don't we take a short break here, folks. We'll be right back. Brian, are you nuts? What the hell kind of show you think I'm doing here? What? What are you... Come on. Pelosi's a monster.

This water feels kind of funny. Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.

What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star. Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back?

"Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm--I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party. See, Lois? I told you we had allies. Hey hey, Slobodan, you made it! I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw. It's made out of people!

You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too.

Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God!

Where the devil is he? You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!

All right, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me, and right now it's telling me I have... (MAN READING)

but you're still that unicycle street performer with a dream in his eye and a parrot on his shoulder. That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things live forever.

Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that. Oh, come on. I don't think Quagmire appreciated the condition you returned it in last time. Glenn, can I just... (REGULAR VOICE) No! You can't have it! Hey, guys. It's James' birthday tomorrow. Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah. And don't just put your name. Write something clever.

It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny!

Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.

I want Babs. Babs? You got a room full of chicks like that and you're thinking about Babs? She looks like someone farted in a shoe.

Hey. Who the hell are you? I'm the guy Stewie pays to watch him sleep.

PETER: That went exactly as I wanted it to go. All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out.

Ahhh! (RETCHING) Ahhh!

Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what?

You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you just bitched yourself out of a bite.

This is my daughter, Loka. My son, Hidalgo. And my cousin, Vinny.

Ooh. Ahh. We have a new record for the Historical Society! The vessel goes to-- $100 million! ...To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million!

Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is. This truly is a night to celebrate, especially for me. Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor.

Last night, Lois was the man!

...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...The Mondo Twins... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Purple Stuff... - (GIRLS SCREAM)

So, are we all set at Cheesie Charlie's? Well, Actually, i--I canceled the reservation. What?

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God. (CLEARS THROAT) Um... Well, hello, Peter. - What can I do for you? - Um... - You want to see some pictures that I drew? - Um... Sure. This is me on an elephant. Wow. That's beautiful. Did you draw that all by yourself? Uh-huh. And this is me on the Moon.

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

Hey.

And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it. (SIGHING) All right. Genital warts. But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This portion of the Channel Five News at 6:00 is brought to you by Condoms. Put us on backwards a little bit, then put us on the right way.

Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that!

Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique. Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just.... You're bending it. I don't care.

(SIGHING) (VACUUM CLEANER ROARING) (GROANING) (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS) (EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet.

Huh. Didn't realize Greenberg was a Jedi name.

(LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run! Oh, Stewie and Brian, you're just in time for pie. Did somebody say pie?

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

But now it's nineteen-ninetay And I have to set

You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here!

We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

(ARGUING) Enough! Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live up to expectations.

That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow.

Eric? Peter?

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make.

This might be totally off-the-wall, but are you doing anything Thursday night? You probably have plans anyway. You know what. Forget it, forget it, forget it.

Yay! All right! All right! Yeah! We love Joe!

Yeah, I think we could all use a drink. Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. (EXPLOSION) Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Pigs in Space.

Listen, Brian, I want you to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops. Brooke, I'm so in fore with you

Ma'am, you're lying in manure. You're about to give birth into cow crap. You don't really smell it after a while. Oh, God! You're crowning, and there's flies on its head. Ugh! That's regurgitated cud! No, I can't be a part of this. Look, I'm just gonna leave you all the gauze I have. When that thing comes out, just wipe the crap off of him as fast as you can and...

(WHIMPERING) Brian? What's going on over there? (SNIFFS) I think they burned our dinner. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts, Stewie. Here's a little morphine. What the hell? You're not gonna stick me with that thing. MAN: I don't think that's a real nurse. Just hold still. Pretend you're at the vet. Vet? I hate the vet! (BARKING) There's a dog in here!

I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. Anyone? Anyone? Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire. It's good to be back, Peter. Hey, Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes?

M-Mom, are we on T.V. right now? Yes, Chris.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday.

Okay, so who? Hey, what's up, douche bags? I'm here to audition for this stupid pilot. (ALL LAUGHING) James Woods? Thanks for coming in, Jimmy. Do you need a copy of the scene? Nah, I got it memorized. Just like your wife's phone number. (ALL LAUGHING) No, he didn't!

Hear what '80s mainstay Howard Hesseman has to say about it. I love it. Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed? We don't think so. Order now.

Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

I shall do no such thing! Penelope is wonderful. We're going to be together forever.

(PANTING) How you feeling, Lois? She... She's too... She's too strong, Joe. I don't stand a chance out there.

Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman? You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam. Are you saying I asked for this to happen? You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous. Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius. Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going.

Madly Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night Huh? Did I tell you?

Yeah, he kind of is. You and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes. Except that I make 10,000 times what you make. Yeah, we're the same, you and me. You know, Peter, the truth is, I could actually use a regular guy like you to help get our message out, and I know Joe Workingman agrees with me. Love to have you on board, Peter.

King Louis XI. Tim, select. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, Lois, Peter, come on in. We were just praying for Scotty's recovery. If you'd like, you can join us. Well, that's what we wanted to talk to you about. You'd better not just have church toys.

and I could almost deal with the noise, but it's the cologne, all right? I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here. That's how powerful it is, okay? That's how powerful it is. You like it? Yeah, I kind of like it.

What? God, it's like talking to a 3-year-old! Oh, You know what? You need to learn how to loosen up a little, toots. Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for the both of us. What? Nothing. That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!

No, no, no, no, it does not.

Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! Oh, I'll leave you to grieve.

East of Eden? So you--you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to, huh? You know, this book's been around for 50 years. It's a classic. But you just got it last week, and there's a giant Oprah sticker on the front. Oh, oh, is that what that is? Let me just peel that right off. So, uh, what are you gonna read after that one? Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn!

- I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face. Hey, hey, get away! (COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C!

All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

Lois, I want my graham cracker... Oh. Hey. Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good.

Two shakes, that's it. Move along. Oh. Why, thank you, tinkle fairy. Lois, you ruined everything, you know that? Peter, I know it's a little extreme.

f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?

Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. Oh, that's cool. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory.

He's visiting from Hoth. I don't know why they call it Hoth. They should call it Coldth. Okay, settle down. I'm up after the band. Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey! Hi, Chris.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch!

So, do you want to talk,

My God, look at this mess. "Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, "shall we maybe clean the place up? "No, it's okay, he won't mind."

Peter, this is it! This is the evidence you've been looking for! If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify publicly about these atrocities? Absolutely. But how do you intend to escape? You leave that to us. Come on.

Yeah. We'll bring him down, Mom. All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this,

Well, I have your address. See ya! Oh! There's Happy Hill! Ugh! What the deuce?

Ugh! You... You just hit me. That's right! Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder. Ugh! Kicking, Lois?

ow! hmm. Peter? Oh! Oh, uh, Ah, h-Hi, Mr. Weed! Well, It seems you've made a full recovery.

and no matter where you are, you'll always be my father. (STRAINING) Shut up, Meg. (ALL GASP) I don't believe it! Peter, you talked! Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg.

"rocket man "burning out his fuse out here alone" oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.

let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it.

Take off that stupid costume. You look like a damn fool. Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale. Everyone, I'll be right back. In the meantime, I leave you with the musical stylings of Chris Griffin.

It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want. And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we are America.

I was so proud. Hey, Lois! I did it! Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands right there?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right.

I'm here for you. Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?

Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

(GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night? Good morning. Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad! Yeah. From The Hills! Yeah. You seem surprised. No. No. It's just, I... I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night.

Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What? That was a delicious dinner, Glenn. I didn't know you could cook. Well, when a fella's been alone as long as I have, he learns to take care of himself. Well, you're a very sweet friend,

oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect! Brian, what are you doing?

I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner. Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart.

Yeah, If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived. He said he was gonna distract the social worker. Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living? Hey, I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here? What the heck happened to that trophy anyway?

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me! Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one.

Dad! "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go.

LOIS: And, look, there's Rush Limbaugh coming out of Michael Moore's house at 2:00 in the morning.

(GROANING) Bitch. Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass. It was like what life did to Dana Plato. Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize. Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that.

All right, Carter. I finished cutting together our anti-pot video. Take a look. PETER: "Hey, I got a great idea. Let's kill six million Jews." CARTER: "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?"

Can you spare some change? Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog?

All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by. Red Five standing by. Red Buttons standing by. Redd Foxx standing by. Big Red standing by. SEAN CONNERY: Red October standing by. Helen Reddy standing by. Simply Red standing by.

Peter and Lois were supposed to chaperone Chris' school dance tomorrow night. So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing. You're too stupid to do it alone. Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses.

in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey. Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting.

(IMITATES LASER FIRING) Gotcha! Thanks to the information in this R2 unit provided by Princess Leia, we should be able to mount a successful offensive on the Death Star. But first, please take a moment to watch this instructional video.

Brian, what are you doing staring in Quagmire's window? Man, watching sex in reverse is just bizarre. God, where does Quagmire meet these women?

Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING)

You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter. Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized.

Oh, don't be such a baby! I'm sorry, Angela, Peter can't talk.

Sorry. And every other school we've tried just doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris. Well, there is one other option.

Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy. You're an ass, you know that? You're just jealous because I'm hanging around with someone else.

(WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING)

I have written the greatest dirty joke in the history of mankind! (LAUGHING) (GRUNTING)

Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second! A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me? so I can tell you that I respect you?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jackass. Hello, my name's Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face. Okay, ready?

Mr. President, I need to have a word with you! Wow! You certainly are very persuasive. So I've been told.

- You suck. You suck. - You suck.

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!

Okay, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11.

Am I doing it? Am I doing it? Fuck's the matter with you guys? All right, let's try something else. Okay, this is a warm-up exercise called "One-Word Story." Now, I start a story with one word, and then you each continue with one word at a time. Okay, ready? Yeah, yeah. I'm into this now.

Joan, um, you mind if we come in? There's, um... There's been an accident. This is, uh, not gonna be easy, but it's something you should see. PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business.

Money, money, money Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist. It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si.

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that? (STAPLE GUN FIRING) Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. Oh, sorry, Lois. I didn't know you were home. What the hell are you doing? I'm laying down the red carpet.

Yes. Me, too. Hold me. if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away. But Wait a minute. I thought guns were bad. False! Guns are good. in fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?

That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks. These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden.

All right, Meg, enjoy your bachelorette party. I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see what you crazy girls are gonna do while I'm gone, but just remember this is a residence and should be treated as such. And if you girls drink anything, there's recycling under the sink in the kitchen. Okay, have fun. So, what are we supposed to do?

Oh, there she is. She's in the kitchen. Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen. Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please. No, no, no, no, don't--don't use that mustard. Use the other mustard. Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there. Quick, scrape that mustard off. Use the other mustard!

In the whole world, you say? Oh, What the hell.

Activated how? The agents could be activated by uttering a predetermined phrase. At which point, they would snap into a trance and mindlessly carry out whatever orders they were given by their KGB handlers. Well, I mean, what if they encountered somebody who said the phrase accidentally? Not possible.

And I just might reach into your brain and do this. Okay, I'll listen. That's my boy. Now, grab my bacon grease and slather me up some homeys. - What's going on, man? - Wassup, dog. Yeah, where are all the whiteheads at?

Don't do it, Brian! Take it slow!

Hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way since I was a kid. And now the winners of the father-son 3-legged race. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. 2nd place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad.

Wow! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're so cool! You're so awesome! You've checkmated my teenage cynicism! Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice clean rap. Whoo! Ha! Ha!

Look, I don't care how many letters we gotta write. The View should be on for 3 hours. I mean-- Look, You just get goin', and boom, it's News at Noon. Can we go soon? Not yet. Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia are gonna whip it out and see whose is bigger. Peter, I'm so glad you could make it.

Derek and Jillian? Wow! Hi, Brian! Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger,

"Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up? Yeah. It was "kitty"! Peter, isn't that-- Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet! How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good.

What are you talking about, Quagmire? I got to get laid! You got to help me get laid! I've never had sex! What do you mean? You've had sex a million times. Oh, that's all bluster. I just talk big for the fellas. I'm a virgin, Joe! I don't want to die a virgin! Help me, please! Let me have sex with Bonnie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daddy, is this true? Yeah. So what? So I found the cure for cancer and didn't announce it. Big deal. I also took a dump today and didn't issue a press release. Oh, that's interesting, because I did. Good for Peter. It's about time the media covered something positive.

So, basically, you can eat from any tree you want, except this one.

I love brownie day.

And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince?

It can't happen! I was here first! Well, Technically, 3rd,

Yes, Brian. I found him at the park. I named him Sheldon. Oh, and get this. I brought him home today, and coincidentally this is the day Rupert started working out again. So transparent. Rupert? What happened to your eye? Brian, did you pull one of Rupert's eyes off? No. Why would I do that? Maybe your turtle did it. Nonsense. Sheldon is a gentle soul. He wouldn't hurt anybody.

Have archaeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina?

(GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help! Stewie, what do I do?

He doesn't even know I'm watching him. Ah, Splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home. Everybody, this is Tina. What happened to you? How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up? You know, Just because you can't feel your teeth,

Oh, man, not this guy again (FARTS) Fart!

I'm taking credit for finding this body. (ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross.

All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson. You always want to be aware of other cars on the road. If you catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him.

Is Mr. Sanders in?

(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Sorry, you're not allowed in here. Oh, yeah? I'm not into that. Oh. Well, what are you into? Pinkberry.

there's something I want to talk to you about. Sure, Zac. Anything for you. You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet. We're gonna have a real raging time. Before you know it, we'll be like an old married couple.

Chris Griffin is hereby expelled. But if I leave now, I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school. Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day. Chris, being expelled is a serious thing.

Please tell me you got that on camera.

Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.

So then she said she was gonna kill you, and... This... This is not for you. That was weird. What was he doing? Anyway, Penelope's trying to kill you! I told you she was bad news. Look, let's just get you someplace safe. Dude! Get out of here!

Who threw out my sequin top? STEWIE: You're 43! Accept it!

Now, everyone off to gym class. All right. Today we're gonna play soccer. Huh. That was easy.

Cleveland, close the window! You're letting the stank out!

Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot? Charles Yamamoto...

I almost forgot. Don't start your car. Hey, Thanks for coming. What a horrible night. It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson. And best of all, nobody important got hurt.

I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch.

It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.

Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are.

Artoo, are you okay? I think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp? SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom! Not now! Okay. (EERIE SILENCE) (CAWING)

Wow, someone needs a nap. After lunch it's straight to bed, Stewie. This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated.

Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with a lead pipe. Peter, I'm not sure I'm comfortable having this wedding at the house. Lois, I don't know what the big deal is. So they're gay. It's not like we're gonna have a gay sex orgy in the living room.

What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. It's like taking a watch off a dead guy. Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe. Real oddballs. I don't trust them. I saw them taking coupons out of our mailbox. I offer you a recipe.

I got it! Peter, Where's Chris? Heh, heh. I love you, She-Hulk. All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty.

Yeah, you know, I figured I'd give it a shot. I mean, wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something, and it actually happened? (INHALES)

This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year.

It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers.

(SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

Well, I got an idea. It won't be pretty, but bear with me.

Sorry, Meg. Black market organs are big money and I promised my bosses a fresh kidney. No hard feelings. Wait! You also made a promise to me. You promised we'd spend Valentine's Day together. The whole day. And I'm not letting you break that promise. Well, I guess a deal's a deal.

You guys! Brian's famous! You're a hero! Way to go, pal!

Hey, guys, check it out. I peed my name in the snow. Jesus, Joe. That's normal.

See you on the softball field. Over here is our kitchen, where we make all our meals. And upstairs is where we sleep. What about your wives and families? Sometimes we don't see them for long periods of time. Well, that sounds awfully lonely.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo.

Well, Come on! Ugh! What the hell are you doing here?

I haven't brushed my teeth in 3 days, and no one has said a thing. Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video!

I love you both. So, sorry. I'll always love you. (MAN On T.V.) We now return to Gilmore Girls.

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down! Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

(ALL CHEERING) (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started. Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me.

Bang, bang, boom, boom! Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational! Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going. You hate me now? Come on. Take that lightsaber and try to strike me down,

Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok. We got away just in time. We got away just in time. All right, now, is that everything you stole? Uh, That's everything. You know, you really should talk to a therapist about this. I mean, it really helped Peter out when he became obsessed with that fantasy world of his.

Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well!

Dad, my God, are you ok? Don't be using the Lord's name in vain! He's ok! Thank God! It seems he broke into the old mill after hours. We found him working on a kick press. Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?

Show me "Picard's flute!"

You bastarD.

So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is, I still have my penis. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina. Come on, Dad... Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety.

Let me see. Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. There. All better? You know, You are some piece of work, lady. If you... Well, Actually, yes, it is. "Greetings from California. "I've been very busy. "I'm having a great time "trying to make it as a writer in L.A.

You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose! What? Oh, no! You're covered in my hot pee!

No. It's step-hip-step- pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano?

Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) It is Jesus! Oh, my God! It's him! It's Jesus! And his best pal, Peter. Oh, wow!

and punctual. Yeah. Maybe we could talk about something else. You know, my wife and I are very involved in Planned Parenthood which provides possibilities for people who are underprivileged. Maybe chew your food a little, champ.

That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie? That kid was Indian and 11 years old. Where are you finding my friends? Aw! Someone's a little cranky. Here, let me put on the radio. Talkin' 'bout the club

I'll show you. Let's do it. Good One, two, three, four

Get it? Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean. Carol Burnett works part time as a janitor.

(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? You know, I have completely forgotten. Me, too.

I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss!

Anyways, Glen, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was. Of course that's why you're heRe! Don't worry, Lois. I'd do everything to you. What? I'd do anything for yOU. Come on, Cleveland.

Everyone, I have something very important to tell you. Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? What? (LAUGHING) You always fall for that. You can't always fall for that. You just can't. Go ahead, Brian. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody - if you had the money tomorrow. - Yeah, all right. - I'II see what I can do. - Sweet, sweet. Great. - How's everything else going? - Good. All right. All right, see you later. Don't forget. No, you're not gonna forget.

Bu-- But, Daddy, if you don't do what they say, they'll kill me! Sorry, pumpkin. You know we don't negotiate with kidnappers. Family policy.

(CAT SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) (CATS SQUEALING)

I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!

Be sure that you see

(SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING)

Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin? (IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) Wow. There are all kind of manner of crazy monsters in here. Yeah, and they added even more for the special edition. Hey, what are you guys doing here? (GROWLING) Artoo, play him the message.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?

Each jingle bell is a requiem knell And while you think it's swell We are toiling in hell Take a look, you can tell As a man I'm a shell

Oh, Peter! I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches. Gross!

Oh, man. That's like making all, like, signs and walking around or what? You know, you bastards got a stake in this, too. I mean, Lois is my wife, and if she's the mayor, we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want. I could do cocaine if I wanted to. Peter, you want some potatoes? Yeah, how you doing? I was just asking if you wanted... We got enough napkins?

Joe? It's Peter. Two things.

Daddy? Oh, God! Papa? Oh, God! Hey, there are no kids in here, right? Nope. Just me. Oh, thank God. You wanna have unprotected sex?

We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this.

If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands? Oh! Now you've done it.

(CHUCKLES) Won't that be gay of them? (LAUGHING) Yeah! (LAUGHING) That is grotacular! JOCK 1: Way to go, man. CHRIS: Awesome, bro. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I can mash potato i can mash potato

Manage what? I know I went a little overboard with my tae-jitsu.

Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker.

Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago. She's presumed dead. My God!

You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.

Oh, my God, I haven't seen this one in forever. Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster?

(WHIRRING) Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me.

Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about... Someone should have come tonight, but they didn't. Ah, it's nothing. That's good. Hey, Officer Swanson? Yeah? You know how they say never meet your heroes? Well, they don't say anything about kissing them. Whoa! Jeez, every cop in town is here.

Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West, Mr.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago.

Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh!

If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get in shape the way American athletes do, by taking steroids. I say, Jenkins, you give me that dirty look one more time, and I've a good mind to get into my PJ's and have a pillow fight with you. Very well, then. En garde! " like your gown. " like yours.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, We've had a lot of laughs tonight. But I'll tell you what's not funny. Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later,

So... How are things, Dad?

Call me! She won't call. Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment.

Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

Check out this side boob.

Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it.

I'll show you filthy! Yes, look at me! I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now. don't you? Ok, if you want to be dirty, be dirty. Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned! Ah!

I'm off to State Tech Ag Central College Tech. There's really two "techs" in there? (SIGHS) The proudest day of a man's life is when his dog goes off to college. I'll learn all I can. And I'll see you guys soon. Oh, he packed a guitar? What a douche.

Well, If I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem. You got some ideas? Tell me. Oh, I'll tell you. Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange. How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Hey, Brian. In hopes that you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross. No, I don't want a crucifix. Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. What? What?

you should've told me.

If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it.

Oh! Hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-along. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOCALIZING IN TUNE)

(GEARS GRINDING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CRASHES) PETER: Well, this has given me a lot to think about. WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead! We are going to have to send that family money.

Nice to meet you all. Who's he? James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty. Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure.

This is horrible. Sweetheart, we'll figure some way to get you out of this. Nope, it's airtight. The only way out is if Neil commits an infidelity. Well, that's it then. We got to find somebody to seduce Neil. - Who, me? - Well, if not you, Lois, then who? Beverly D'Angelo? 'Cause I don't think she'd do it.

Ha! Ah! Ahh! ow! Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it.

Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just bleed all over the city? Stay with us.

111-1113... "A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl?

I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time. Wow, what a turnout. Oh, hey, there's Glenn. Hey, guys. Hey, this is my date, Consuela. No, no, no. Okay, we're here as friends, but I'm gonna change your mind one day.

He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink.

So James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself.

Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good. Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right? Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day. Don't frolic too much, Rupert. Save some energy for the hula contest. Stewie, I have a surprise for you. Good as new.

What? What are they honoring you for?

So, do you have any thoughts on what you might want to do tonight? Oh, I don't know. I don't know, Brian. You don't want to mess things up.

...who seem to have acquired superpowers. Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

Yeah, I would know if you were using me. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit. And you know why I did it? Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could.

Oh, thank God. (SIGHS) It's okay, Brian. It's not the first accident we've had in this house. Okay. One, two... Hang on, hang on, Brian. Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed.

I wasn't ready. Hi! (EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.

I thought Kurt was your son.

Tell me, kid. What are you, like 27? I'm 13. Still a minor, huh?

It's his fault we're still here. How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you!

Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it! I deserve to relax, too.

Anyway, let's talk this thing through.

Look at me. I'm George Bernard Shaw. (LAUGHING) That's awful funny, Stewie. I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is, but you look like an old Stewie, Stewie. Enjoy your weird bath. I told him I did the poos even though you did the poos, Stewie. Did I do good, Stewie?

Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Get some, Peter!

Hey, Quagmire. Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or--or boating, or owning a boat. Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire. You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. What are you so upset about?

No, Luke, don't run downhill! You're going to jail, punk!

Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it.

It's easy for you, Joe. You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company. Oh, I don't, do I? Well, let me tell you a little story. It was hours after my accident. I was barely conscious on the operating table, but I'll never forget the phone call that changed my life.

Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock! Excuse me, Lord Griffin. Your family is going back tO quahog. If you get tired of being a snob, look us up. Lord Griffin is dead. It's just me, Peter the towel boy.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) It's him!

Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard!

Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you. No, I won't. I'm so fat and gross. Oh... (SOBBING) I should just kill myself. Oh, that's... Come on. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me. Oh...

Hey, there's one of them. Peter, look out! (GROANING) Go on, Jesse. Make your peeps and poops.

What would I do if you weren't here? Mmm? You're the only one who makes my life bearable. I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation. I was just trying to hurt you 'cause you hurt me. But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian. If I didn't have you, I'd be lost.

Well, no more! Immigrants built this country, and I say it's time for us to take it back! Who's with me? MAN: Could you say whole speech again in Spanish? ANNOUNCER: We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now. (FARTING)

Hi. (GIGGLING)

HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following: "The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" A little spending money? I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr Nick, what are you talking about?

But, Lois, we already made plans. Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone. Last time they hung out without me was a disaster. All right, movie night. I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What? I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose. What do you mean? Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right.

Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks-- Hey, what are you guys talking about? I was just telling a joke. So, the bartender looks around and says:

(ALL CHEERING) I agree with that!

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo. What you staring at, Joe? These dolls all look really surprised for some reason. I wonder what they're all so surprised about. What? You've never seen a handicapped man before?

He just stole us from his dead uncle. (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...triple-dog-dare.

So, did you break up with Lauren? No, I didn't. As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what?

just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we? Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker. Well, I know who you are.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (MONKEYS SCREECHING) (LION ROARING) (TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees.

And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35. Peter, I'm 43.

Who the fuck took these?

Ya!

(GASPS) Fear not, pretty lady, who ain't never had no relations. I's been sent to bring you the message that tonight you's gonna be getting pregnant with the Son of God. It's a miracle, yay! I am? Yeah, and it's gonna be here soon, so you might want to spruce yourself up. Maybe walk in the creek a little bit.

Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony. Come on, Chris. Ahh! Oh, There you are, StEwie. Hey, You're a great big phony. You know that? Hey, Come on, Stewie.

It's a little tricky, sir. See, the operative is completely unaware that he's been programmed, and the only way to activate him and discover his identity is by saying the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet!" (SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(SCREAMING)

I mean, you should get an eye patch. Eye patch would be cool. You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth, we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again?

Oh, And by the way, I'm going back to the force. Good for you. Say, uh, What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh? No, he's dead.

Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's... a... fam-i-ly guy it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond,

WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk.

I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen.

Ah. Excellent.

OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot. Shut up! Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, ok? Meg, Will you relax? None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you, all right? Jeez, I gotta get gas.

'cause that doesn't matter to us.

You're not serious, are you? Chris, I'm just as serious as I was when I saw Paul Reiser do standup.

Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more. Okay, Chris, this is the gentle art of philately otherwise known as stamp collecting.

I haven't had a drink in three days. But our car broke down. We can't go anywhere until it gets fixed. I have arranged to have that taken care of. This ride's gonna be so frustrating. - I know. These horses are so slow. - Sexy. Sexy.

What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home. Damn right, you're paying for the full day! Guys, Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car! No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat. Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car.

Oh, my God, Joe!

All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealing with here.

Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us,

Wait, wait, guys. How about this? Last one to open their chute gets 20 bucks. Okay. I'm in. Damn it. I'm dead already, Peter. You're looking at a dead man. I might not even pull the cord at all.

All right. You ready to go home now? Are you kidding? This is amazing. Can we see more universes? Hmm. Well, I haven't tried yet, but I don't see why not. Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird.

I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your gray lung. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt-marsh cutworms. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.

(SCREAMS) No! (YAWNS) Oh! Hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-along.

Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok?

I can't believe what I saw in there. You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment. Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?

I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am. Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money. Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you.

Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities,

Now, let him go! Okay! Okay! You missed! No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee.

Anyway, let's talk this thing through. Oh, uh, huh, Hey, Cleveland. I was just leaving you a message. You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

- Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

Oh, that's pretty. yech. Hello, operator? Hello? Oh, God, that's right. You have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this. Oh, Yes. 867-5309. That's it. No, wait. That's not it!

Yeah, let's wrap this up. I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home.

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him.

I'm gonna go out into the world and see what I can make of myself. I can be somebody here. And it should be easy for you because, I mean, what luck, you're white! You have no idea how big that is here. Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday.

I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything ifl do. Well, kids, I'll see you later.

you might as well push down on the old plunger there. You're a monster. You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976. Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter. (SIGHS) Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot.

I don't want to have to take off all my clothes, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body. Oh, I suppose I can work with that. QUAGMIRE: Oh, yuck! What do you say we go into the bedroom? Yeah, sure. QUAGMIRE: Oh, she's so ugly! I don't want to get in that.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think I can. What was that? Never you mind what that was. (CLANGING) Rise and shine, everyone! What do you got there? A candy bar, huh? - Got any other contraband? - No. Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN FIRING)

Oh, I'm so proud of Brian. It's hard to believe he's the same dog who barked at a pineapple for four hours. Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you?

All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

Well, There's your hook! Get out.

Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you! Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before. You're fired!

Sex with another man. Whoa, whoa, whoa. LooK. If you're gay, that's cool. But I'm not. And even if I was, come on, I'm Luke Perry. I can get a much better gay guy than you! Oh, my God! Luke Perry! See, Meg? I told you your father would explain about the article. Meg? Meg Griffin?

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY)

(GRUNTING) Give me that! Not on your life! Take one step closer, and the paper gets it. (GASPS) Drop your guns! Do as he says!

You make me physically sick to my stomach, and I wish that you would get a heart attack. I totally feel you, man. Truth of the matter is, I don't like my movies either, but, man, they just keep offering me money, and I do it, and then I get to go around the world. I mean, did you see Sahara? (LAUGHS) I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time.

Yeah. I'm alive! Thanks for having us over. Yeah, it's a wonderful dinner. And on this beautiful new china. You guys have a lot of new stuff. Yeah, Lois has been splurging her ass off. Yeah, she has. You know, she bought me something yesterday,

Pain in the ass.

There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster! Threepio, please! We're talking!

No. No, we didn't fail Santa. The world failed Santa. He gives and gives and gives, and everyone just takes him for granted. Hell, I didn't even think he existed until last night. Well, what are we supposed to do now? Christmas is doomed. Maybe, but there is one thing we can do. Move over.

Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year! That sounds terrific. How about you, kids?

Is that, is that that thing all them homo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff out of other guys' butts?

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place. Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit!

I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please.

Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers.

What are you doing? I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me.

Do you think they'll ever find her? God, I hope so, Meg. Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her. STEWIE: This is fantastic. Nobody suspects a thing. Listen to my voice. That sounds cool. Hello. Pigs in Space.

That was terrible.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Are you ready, boots? Start walkin'! Ha! That's my dad! No one dances like Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire. Dad, this is Joe and Peter.

For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo! There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together. Yes, she's a fine vessel. Welcome to the wharf. Name's Hennessey.

Not bad.

(SPUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING)

Who are you working for? The Libyans? The French? Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you?

Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap. Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David.

Gentlemen, take your marks. (GUNSHOT) I'm a different kind of winner.

Surprise! Oh. Oh, dear! Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody?

Now you're just splitting hairs. Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids?

Get this thing out of my sight!

griffin, That's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg Came up with that Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom!

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with:

Let's burn this chick at the stake. I love steak! Other girls don't. I'm actually more like a dude. Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in. Peter, this is ridiculous. It's time for you to come home. I live here now, Lois.

Because all we need is a bag o' weed to make us want to cheer And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You can try and fight but we're all agreed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

(CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

I love when you use topical humor. It's just like watching Murphy Brown. Hey, Murphy, blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah, John Sununu. Murphy, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, Tipper Gore. Hey, Murph, you can't blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah-blah the Ayatollah.

Peter.

"I alone had reached the target objective, "thanks to the intrepidity "I developed at testicular boot camp. "But it was a trap! "I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for 9 grueling months." Day 171. I've sprouted another finger, counting the one from yesterday. I'm up to 11.

- So, you know, guys... - Bitch. ...Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles. (BOTH GASPING) - Ah! Ah! So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.

Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this. Well, I can't do it, but you know.

(SCREAMING) Das poop!

But that'll bankrupt us! Oh, You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America? Thanks for that zinger, boys. Now, Give me a snappy line to go out on.

$1,000 says I live. A thousand clams, huh? - What the hell? - Ok.

but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,

All my dreams Pass before my eyes, that curiosity Dust in the wind

It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy

LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years. Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger. Here you go. Here's the key, Pete. Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye.

I put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on. Well, that's it, no more. I'm done writing. What? Writing's the only thing that's giving your alcoholism any credibility. Hey, you know, I just thought of something. Hold on a sec. I bought a vase last week and it's still in the box, and I just want to check to see what they used to pack it...

If you get nervous, just picture the audience naked and slide those hot dogs down your throat. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Hot Dog Eating Championship Competition! Please welcome our undefeated champion eater, Charles Yamamoto! (CROWD CHEERING)

Faster!

Yeah. Like, when I went over to his house the other day.

That ought to slow them down. Being a single mother is hard. But The real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie? What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks.

Now, help me move this guy's body! (GROANS) He's still alive! All right, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary.

Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson.

Yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said "no Portuguese," but... no Portuguese.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker...

Well, Break a leg up there, Brian.

You know who I don't miss is Joe.

So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter! Thank you for asking it. Jesus! No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is, I still have my penis. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.

Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Whoo! All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her.

Holy crap. Stay back. Hey, bitches! I just killed, like, 50 stormtroopers. That thing is really cool! Damn right it is! See that squirrel over there? Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Ooh! Hey, why don't you blast open this door, and then we can...

Wait till you try it after a meal. Delicious! And after sex? Forget about it. It's like putting your penis to sleep in a feather bed.

As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters. Oh. So, you're just a big fucking liar? Sit back down. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home... Stewie, what the hell are you doing? She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud!

Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house. Okay, okay.

Oh, Kent, this is all I ever wanted. I feel the same way, Meg. - From today onward, this is our life. - Mmm. We should get off the horse soon. I want to save one for you.

Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food. Swing and a mISS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, don't you know about the bird Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word

(ALL LAUGHING) They're our rivals. Well, here we are at the make out point. Yeah, you wanna go all the way? Freeze! Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong? I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High. They're our rivals. He's wrong because he wants to have sex, and he's not married.

Hey, Brian, knock-knock. Who's there? (FARTING) (LAUGHING) Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me.

I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt! You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. figure out what he likes, and study up on it. Hey, That's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm gonna start right now.

All right, I know how to settle this. Whoever wants the money raise your hand! Ho! Ho! You're smarter than I thought. Give yourselves a round of applause. Damn!

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!

Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull!

(YELLING IN PAIN) What? What? What are you looking at? I could fight you both. You don't know what I go through every day.

Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets. Hey, Swedish Chef. Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on? I'm hungry. Oh, that's no problem. I could cook you something. You want some spaghetti? That's like my specialty in junk. Yay!

(BARKING)

ok, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Ok, we're gonna need cake and juice for 14 people.

W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up! Well, I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter, but what choice did I have?

Hey, Brian. Where were you last night, buddy? Oh, I was... I was out. I got a little wrecked after dinner, and I didn't want to drive home. Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"? (ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute! How the hell do you guys know about that already?

Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

(EXCLAIMS) We got to get you to the hospital! You're hideous! Who did this to you? Where are my keys? Where's my keys? Where are my keys? Peter, what about Babs? Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. Oh! Yeah. No, you're right.

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee"

Lois, give him the ring. What? No! Give him the ring, Lois, I swear to God, I'll cut your finger off. Oh, you beast! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs.

Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out. He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves. Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew!

Mom, Chris took money out of the... Okay, okay, okay. I'll do whatever you want. I thought you'd see it that way.

Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks. Tell him it sucks! Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid. I'm hungry.

NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Jolene. I've got an army to raise, and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles.

Ahh!

Hey, slut, get me out of this. Hello there, Yusuf.

Brian. What? Are you serious?

Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin! Look! That's Mom! Oh, my God! What the hell? She's at a Justin Bieber concert?

Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic! Time to make me inedible gruel. Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. Waah! Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking? Peter, you know I never drink.

Ahh! Son of a bitch!

Where are you taking this thing? Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138. You think you could get me a room by the pool? (LAUGHING) Is funny, because you are a prisoner and there is no pool because is Death Star.

I love steak! Other girls don't. I'm actually more like a dude. Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in.

That's not right, right? Look, Stewie, I can't talk about this now, all right? Jeez, what's your problem? I just... I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt?

That is hilarious, but, Carl, I want you to hire my sister back. No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass. I don't want her back in here. Well, that's a shame, because I watched Event Horizon last night. No way! We have to talk about it! Yeah, well, my memory is kind of hazy.

LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right?

Now, let's go. I've got it all planned out. I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching.

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer.

(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.

And make sure you have on your new uniform. Why am I the only one who has to wear denim shorts? Because you're the only one who looks this good in them. Damn, Griffin, you fill those out nicely. Why is there a dusty gas station and a Diet Pepsi machine in your office? 'Cause your car broke down,

You are who you are. Ha. I think I know what you're getting at. Knock-knock. Hey pal, you can't just walk in here without-- Holy crap, it's Peter! Dad, you're pretty, like a girl. You look like a totally different person. Oh, This is crazy!

God, I haven't looked at this in years. I don't even remember if it's any good or not. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah. Yeah, this is all coming back to me. You know, this is actually not too bad a piece of work. This was kind of deep, as I recall. You know, Lois, you might actually be interested in reading this.

Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

Yes, we know. You're very well-read. But this is poetry we're talking about, and I think when it comes to poetry, you can't be wrong. What, Peter? Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt. The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt. Listen, you got to get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops. I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them.

Salmon! There's salmon over here. Is there really salmon over there? No. You walk over there and he squirts you with a squirt gun. (LAUGHING)

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it! Not now, Stewie. When we get home. That's right! You're a big, fat phony!

Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING) Wow! What a hero.

I mean, it's gross, but it's, like, famous gross. You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out.

Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad. Wow, he really did it. I always knew Mayor West was a little crazy, but I never thought he was capable of something like this. The mayor's going to jail. That means anything goes.

It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy.

(DRIVERS SCREAMING)

Oh, no. It's a multiracial TV gang, including white guys. Well, well, what do we got here? Let's beat him up, but not because of his color, 'cause that doesn't matter to us.

You know, I was really glad you sent me the book. I won't lie to you, I came this close to praying that I'd see you again. Good thing you didn't, because who would hear it, right? Who would hear it, right? I know. Can I interest you folks in some of our heavenly cheesecake?

- Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired. Where's my money? Where's my money?

and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth. Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now. Here you go. You're beautiful. I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day.

Ahhh!

Hey, what are you doing with my laptop? Going through your stuff. Why were you getting MapQuest directions to Abigail Breslin's house? I just think she's a one-of-a-kind spirit, and I don't want to see her go down the wrong... What the hell are you doing going through my personal stuff?

Very well, then. Take off your shirt.

You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious! I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist. Get it? Tooth hurty? (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch!

Oh, my God, Brian! Are you okay? Oh, don't worry. I'm fine. I'm just sort of bandaged up right now. You must be Kate's parents. It's so nice to meet you. Well, it's lovely to meet you, too. So, what happened? What happened is this one's a hero, is what happened. Rescued two children from a burning building. Can you imagine? Not quite in time, they were both horribly burned.

Guess this is as good a time as any. (EXCLAIMS)

A vision quest is a sacred spiritual journey.

Take out your pencils and start your test. Um, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for this test, but I got a good reason. I'm dying. griffin, That's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg Came up with that Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom! But Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying.

- That was amazing. - You saved her life.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

and ejaculated into the primordial ooze. This stupid country. Hello. Tom Tucker live at James Woods High School with this sensational breaking story. A teacher caught molesting children with crackpot theories. Full story at 11:00. And out.

Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right? Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. Commandment Number 2: There's nothing I can do about the sun. Commandment Number 3: There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone. Commandment Number 4: When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right? Now, come on, let's get going.

RosebuD.

But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty.

Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.

Wow! I guess my life does have meaning.

Peter Griffin's doing! Eww! Stop it! Chris, Why don't you want to take your shirt off? Oh, Because I'm fat. Oh, Honey, no one thinks you're fat. I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board. This is my son! Oh, My apologies.

You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind? It was a Miata. Come on. That's not a sports car. How does that even kill a kid? What, did you hit her over the head with it? That's a legitimate sports car.

Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner, he'd still be alive and you'd still have your job. Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. We just have to scrimp a little, that's all. You know, Sell some stuff we don't really need. This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Peter, please, Listen to me. When we got married,

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna work out. That's how you stay in shape. You just fit it in when you have free time wherever you are, wherever you can. There's semen on this floor. Stewie, look! We gotta get in there! Hey, got one more here! (IN GIRL'S VOICE) Oh! Where are we?

What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks.

Duck, duck, duck... I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off during the verdict. Goose!

Seems like I've run out of waiting time.

Oh, That's my son, Chris. He can't come in. Ha. He's fat. Well, Let me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See,

A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime.

MADAME CLAUDE: And so Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society. Gone? What do you mean she's gone?

Jason Gallagher. Present. Meg Griffin. Oh, Sorry I'm late, Mr.-- Here.

Okay, I think I'm ready. Oh, boy. - What's the matter, Glenn? - Nothing. Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you.

- Yeah, like what? - You know, it's like you can already hear them. You know? Like what? Like exactly what jokes do you hear? Tell me one of the jokes. Brian, all I have to do is start fake sneezing around you and you'll spend the rest of your life outside. Yeah, yeah, I can hear some of the jokes.

I don't have one pair of long pants. Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek. I wonder if she's thinking about me. I don't know. Are you a pony or the color blue? (LAUGHING) Derek, look! Ha, how do you like that?

Wait a second. We don't know that.

and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO.

Shut up! May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife. (PANTING) (CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard!

Yeah, and I can't believe how you stood up to Connie D'Amico for me. Hey, Meg. Hi, Connie. I can't fit all my books in my locker. Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass?

Uh-huh. It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter? Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12,

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG) (SCATTING) Get out of here.

Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. - All right. - Why not? We're out of paper towels. No paper towels?

When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. Remember? And you put that dream aside in order to provide for this family. Yeah? Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Really? Yes! Wow, You know, since money's getting tight,

I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here. Absolutely. The children get to play our games. And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize. I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live. They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors,

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present. All right, get on. (SIGHS) We made it. Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey. Brian, there you are! Come quick.

Lois, I wish you hadn't gone through all this trouble. Are you kidding? I'm so excited. From the first time I read that script, I just knew it was gonna make it on TV. I could see it. Well, yeah, I mean, but the real victory is just having a show make it to TV. I mean, we almost don't even need to watch.

The drunk old Injun squatting in his teepee Firewater keeping him warm ANNOUNCER: Jewish Nose.

(SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.

Well, I'm going down to The Beautiful People's Club. guess I can take him with me. Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

Oh, my.

but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it. Peter, didn't you hear what I said? Stewie tried to kill me!

(CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television. Now it's just a big, old, silly mess.

So, it's really over, huh? After all these years? I'm afraid so. But let's be honest, Peter. Bonnie and I seem to have grown apart. Boy, I never would have seen this day coming when we first met. Africa by Toto was playing.

Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine.

Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own. And if that isn't love, I don't know what is. Wow. I guess you're right, but there is one thing, Mickey. You knocked up my mom and never called her again. Yeah, so what? So what? So let's dance. Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring

You know, Brian, you've spun gold into these pages, and it's our job to bring that gold to the screen. So, what do you say we get this casting session started? Let's do it. Yeah! - All right! - Yeah! (BRIAN BARKING) Okay, now obviously, we love Elijah Wood for the part of Byron as much as you do. The audition is just a formality.

What did you say? Quagmire's flying to Alaska? Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on! I get what you're driving at. If Carol can't have Mayor West, no one can. Quagmire, I want you to crash that plane. No survivors, you hear me? Peter, for God sakes, no! Tell him to turn the plane around. Hey, listen, Quagmire, turn the plane around and bring it back here.

A single white girl in the city working at a magazine!

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

Wait a minute. Are you guys gay?

(ALL GASPING) STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia. Ouch! (BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS. (YELLS) Kristallnacht!

I-Instigated our hatred like a Buick. How could--What was I thinking when I agreed to this? T-This is so degrading. It's--This is worse than the time I was at the Friars Club and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants.

That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding. God! Meg, that's awful. Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg.

Peter, there's something off about that horse. You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap. Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing. About anything.

Oh, my. Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is! It's in a very naughty place. Does that not disgust you? Kid, You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper. Now look here, you loathsome cur!

What do we do? "Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?" (BOTH SCREAMING)

Damn it, Julie! I am not shacking up with my boyfriend. I am just going away for the weekend. Yeah. All the away. WHoo! Oh, Damn, Schneider! What won't you say? No answer at the house. You didn't bet that, too, did you? I'm sorry, Peter.

Look, I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing. It was a one-night thing. I have no interest in dating one of those shallow idiot celebrities who's only famous for being famous. I'm going over to let her down easy. Hey, tell her I like her work in Jake and the Fatman. No, wait. That was William Conrad. Tell her I like Jake and the Fatman.

I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul!

Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, just go to sleep, all right?

Is the park open? Not yet!

Tonight's top story, local record-shop employee, Jesus Christ, was found in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment this morning, face down and unconscious. Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars." Brian, you think that's our Jesus? (PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking.

Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

So wait, let me get this straight. Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout, "Admiral Akbar," when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

I don't know what's in there!

Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight. This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them. Get out of here. Scat!

Must eat. Haven't snacked in hours. Can't feel my eyes. Wonder if club-footed midgets get justice in heaven. Hot enough for you? What? I say, "Hot enough for you?" Yeah. I guess. Oh, my God! I'm communicating with nature!

Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode.

They ran all the time! Jeez, All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now?

- Where am I? Am I dead? - No. This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall... so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters. You don't say.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(CHEERING) Get up, you jerk. (CHEERING LOUDER)

Yeah, I love a rainy night (IN PORTUGUESE) Man, that really makes me mad.

And Meg. Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.

Richard Petty!

(MIMICKING PROBE DROID)

I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel? He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you.

Eddie Izzard is very discreet. Then that's your answer. You know, Quagmire, I gotta say, I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along. I thought you hated my guts. Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts. Well, then what the hell are we doing out here? I thought we were gonna kill him. Ahhh! So, Jeff, do you like loud sentences?

Peter, have you seen Brian? (MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not. Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache!

And go get the sifter, so we can build our sand village. That's right, a little further. Everyone, meet Jeffrey, the newest member of the Club of Forgotten Children.

Hey, old bean. Hey, What are you doing with my Star Wars glass? Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader.

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Take it away.

You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago. Who cares? I'll bet nobody took the boat. Who could resist the call of the mystery box? YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right. Joe, look to the right.

Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?

You lose!

I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no!

Peterson, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be down at your job making oblong bricks out of manure and straw? No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day. (CHUCKLES) Yes, that's a very smart joke. Isn't that right, comedy professors? (MURMURING IN AGREEMENT) PROFESSORS: Well done. Indeed.

aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! ugh!

But, um... I was kind of gonna roofie you. What? What is wrong with you? And, Kent, I owe you an apology, too. I lied when I told you that Chris wanted to sleep with you. Save it, Meg! I don't need your apologies!

You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then.

(GASPING) A ghost! Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me Vader was my father? Why didn't you tell me you got a new hand? Let's take that thing out for a test drive. But if Vader's my father, does that mean I'm vulnerable to the dark side?

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS)

Just "Me llamo Brian." Oh, You speak English.

But tonight is our sex night, and a little physical release will do us both some good. Peter, are you... Oh, come on! Lois, I know it's late, but, me and the guys, we're going beekeeping. Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you? Whoa, someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast. I don't need honey, Peter,

You members of the human race have the ability to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star. With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn to put the bottle down just sometimes? We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no, but we kept at it. All right, Death. I'll try.

Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story, Meg. It's not a sob story! It's true! Oh, come on! You think I was born yesterday? I've dated convicts. I know how they talk. One day they're promising you the world, the next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during conjugal visits. Luke doesn't do drugs!

At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it. I adore this man!

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise. As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel. Hey, hey, look, Stewie, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement. (IN CHILDISH VOICE) "Hey, hey, Stewie, "I'm gonna go play down in the basement.

Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

Well, Meg... You know what's strange? I think I might be gay. I saw this penis on the internet today and I thought to myself, "Well, that's... That's just fine." I'm going to the mall later. Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.

Peter, I think I've got a solution that'll make things right for both of us. I'm listening. Well, the way I figure it, the only way to even things out between us is if you have sex with someone else, too. You want to get me laid? Yes, Peter, because I don't want to lose you. Well, it would make us even.

Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly- line worker, but you'll be happy to know, our company does not pay him to think. I'll take this. No calls.

and I ain't leaving here without it. That no your shirt! Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff.

We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf. But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags!

There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon. You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay.

Mr. Pewterschmidt!

So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine. Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. Oh, now I don't want it. Oh, crap! Did I miss it? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times,

The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD. BOY: You're welcome.

Oh, Lois, again? That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on. Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad. Oh, Is that what it is? Really?

Why have you forsaken mE? Uh, mis--mis-- Mr. Weed?

(STILL PLAYING)

Lucky there's a family guy

Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids? Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, 0uagmire Now that Peter's mental You probably ha ve some needs He 's retarded Peter is

Oof!

Oh, Hello, Alexis. Heard you might not enter the competition this year. Smart move. Yes. Well, There are more important things in life than a piano competition. Oh, Yes. Especially for those who have no-- Ooh, That's cold! Chance. For your information, I have a student that could whip you.

(BOTH SCREAM) (CAR CRASHING) Goodbye, terrible women.

I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head. Well, If I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem. You got some ideas? Tell me. Oh, I'll tell you. Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange. How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? Aft torpedoes, fire!

Did you have sex with that fat kid?

And you have to flap your wrists, like this. And you'll do it, too? Of course. That's how it's done. - Okay. - All right, ready?

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex?

Where's he going? What's he doing? Get back here. There you go. Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal. Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right!

Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object.

Family, we need to talk. Your father was sexually harassed at work today. What? That's right. Angela grabbed my ass.

"Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God! Wait. Now, hang on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity.

So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that. Chris, who are you talking to? Grandma.

Last year it was all about being overweight and wearing a baseball cap. Hey, guys, sure hope we win the big game on Saturday. - Get lost, dork. - Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! Of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

(CHATTERING) Come here, you bastard! (BARKING) You stink! And your play stinks! This ain't about me, is it? (SOBBING) (INHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFLING) No. And I'm sorry,

Sweet. Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow! Hey, JoE! The van's gone!

ComE on. Come on. Get back in your big, fat body. Why should I help some guy save his marriage when I can't even get a girl? Whoa, whoa, Whoa, wait! What are you saying? The revelation, jackass! It could have helped you save your marriagE. OH! But too late.

(CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay!

I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry. That's ok, son. It's your right as an American citizen. Oh! What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk--ed out of a sound sleep. Perhaps someone could enlighten me as to the whereabouts of our Golden Clam? Maybe it fell. Yeah. Right into someone's pocket.

(CHATTERING) Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. Who wants to come onboard? Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity. Okay.

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my... Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot!

And what better place to start than the Slightly Open Robery? MAN ON RADIO: Hey, hobo man Hey, Dapper Dan You've both got your style But, brother, you're never fully dressed Without a smile Yes. The penis one.

UH, Hey, can I join you? I guess. What's your namE? Josh. Do you, like, live around herE? No. I, uh, I live with my mom. Let's get out of here. See you, josh. Tell your mom we said hi. Heads up!

I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. You ever try to make an iPod?

LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!

- That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR? Congratulations, Quagmire. You're the newest member of my wall of fame. What's wrong, Peter?

Look, there's Central Park! There's the Empire State Building! There's a hot-dog cart! Chris, don't spoil your appetite. New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. Not the "ho-ho" kind, but the "mm-mm" kind. Welcome to the Big Apple, fella.

Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus.

This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow. They have tennis courts! And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs! Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. Oh, I see.

MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)

I am so tired of you.

Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people.

Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries.

Ahh! Are you The Matrix? Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel. My name's Chris. Not anymore. Christobel will look so much better in Interview magazine. Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor! Hey, Lois, give me a penny.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought onboard. Um, actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody. I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the dark side.

The least you can do is be grateful.

Hello? Hello? Crap, I think we lost him. Let me fix that. If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things. Turn it up and rip the knob off. Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely. What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something.

...of substandard housekeeping. It does not augur well for you. Zip it, egghead. You with your big words and your small, difficult words. Wow. Any boy who would spend the night in that creepy place... ...sure would be the bravest fellow I ever met.

Mr. Griffin, since you can't control your drinking... you've been demoted to the shipping department. Come on! This is your new supervisor, Angela. Mr. Griffin, we have different rules here. For starters, no drinking. Period. We start work at 7:00 a.m. sharp. This is your co-worker, Opie.

I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met. So the very least you can do is just rub up against... I don't know. Well, if you want I can... No, no. No, no, it's fine. No. Whatever. Whatever. Just go to your wedding, man. (SPEAKING SPANISH) No. No. No. No. Take... Just get it out of here.

Look, Joanne, Billy had nothing to do with this. It was just a dumb plan my buddies and I put together because we know how much Billy loves you. And he misses you very much. Look, just give him another chance. And if you won't do it for me, do it for Fish Jesus. Do you have Fish Jesus? Of course.

Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)

(CROWS)

God, I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor. Good afternoon. As we approach the Passover holiday, let us remember the struggle of our people as they labored under the yoke of Pharaoh's despotic rule. Hey, if anyone appreciates a good yoke, it's the "Yews." (LAUGHING)

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS) Oh, he's so cute. Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning. You're Lacey Chabert. Oh, boy, a baby. I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can. Brian, help!

So, no hard feelings?

hA! Ha! Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. Ah, Peter, it's ok. It's just Death. Oh, Thank GoD! Uh, hey, Did someone choke on a roll in here?

Everyone, I have something very important to tell you. Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? What? (LAUGHING) You always fall for that. You can't always fall for that. You just can't. Go ahead, Brian.

i don't know. But She better show up soon. It's almost halftime.

What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.

My God, look at this wonderland of treasures. What would a guy like me have to do to be part of this magical world? You are trespassing on private property,

The filing is done, Mr. Griffin. Thank you, Miss Ironbox. You are a valued member of our business team. And I will give you a raise tomorrow, if you come to work without a shirt on. Mr. Griffin! I--I'm sorry. That came out wrong. L-l-l-Let me try again. nice ass. You haven't heard a word I've said!

Our lead story tonight, Petoria. A new foreign country, which was founded this week, right here in our own backyard! And in a quahog News 5 exclusive, we sent our own little foreigner, Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa, to Petoria, where First Lady, Lois Griffin, has graciously agreed to give us a tour of her country. Trisha.

She's not coming back, you know. How do you know that? 'Cause she's my mom, too. Excuse me, that's my seat. We'll talk about this at home. (SIGHS) Let's see. Who's in this thing? Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody.

Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.

I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

(PETER SINGING JINGLE) Mom, the game's about to start. Where's Dad? I don't know, Chris. And I'm starting to get worried. I think all this success might be going to his head.

Dad, I thought you were gonna help me with my book report. Chris, there is a monkey here. And I just fed him a whole bag of Subway sandwiches. In a couple hours, we are gonna sit around and throw his soft-bread stool at each other. Now, you are welcome to be a part of that, or not. I'm just telling you what's gonna happen. Well, thanks for nothing, Dad!

We won! All right!

Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy!

They slept through the graduation ceremony and somehow managed to come out of the manhole wearing clean, pressed suit, as you say. So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin.

You're engaged? Yes. Rita and I are getting married. My God! I can't even react big enough. Here's Mrs. Garrett. (IN SHOCKED TONE) What? Look, if my happiness means so little to you all that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke, then you really disappoint me.

After that, I took him swimming and he fell apart. Chris, Mr. Dougan's wake is tomorrow, and there's going to be a body in that casket. If it's not his, it's going to be yours. Hey, guys, what's goin' on? And no one says anything, which means they hate it.

I can't wait to see the expression on Joe's legs when I open my multiplex. I have to say I'm a little concerned about the zoning for... Peter, are you peeing in that skull? No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ass.

Wow, and she does all this for free? No, she charges me. She charges you? Well, that's weird. Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear?

You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said?

Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present.

Hello, Doreen? Yeah, uh, I'm still over at the Griffin job, um, listen, Tell Walter I'm not going to be able to make it to the construction site. So, um, I don't know. Have him send Frank, or Glen, or Harelip Steve. I know, it creeps me out, too.

Stewie's having fun.

This is like the trivia thing before the movie where they got, like, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that. QUAGMIRE: Tim Honks from The Money Pot? Yeah, that's right, yeah. So can you help me? QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, find a hot girl and touch her. I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting.

I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run

- Say, that's a nice effect. - Yeah. That's really scary. Wait a second. If you're there, and I'm here... ...and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area... ...then who the hell is that?

Lois Griffin is a slut. What? Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, I grew up in this town.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat. But you're a total bitch.

Okay, Stewie, let's get that little face washed off. Then you can play with your bath toys, huh? STEWIE: No, I hate getting my face washed. Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog... (CHOKING) My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that? Now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice, fluffy towel.

It is? Well, that explains a lot. (PHONE RINGING) Oh, this is my jam!

Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Especially that Coyote Ugly theme. It's no use, this place is finished.

it hurts to pee

"Beer. Deodorant. Garbage bags. Toothpaste."

That's probably it. (SENSOR MAKES BING-BONG SOUND) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG)

MADAME CLAUDE: And so Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.

(LAUGHING) That's something. All right, so what do you say? You want to go see the Emperor? I don't know. Can we have tacos? No, Friday is taco night.

So here's the Drano in case there's a clog.

Peter, Muriel and I both feel that you need to follow your therapist's advice and start dating. Ah, Jeez, Mort! I--I don't know if I'm ready. Ah, Come on, stud. We've got it all set up for you to go out with our niece. Honey, come on out here and meet Peter Griffin.

Your finger's up your nose and you are dripping with drool But if you want a lady's love You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool A squirt, a spurt Of somethin' just for Ellen And you'll see that she will find you so compellin'

(SIGHS) PETER: Lois, wait! I can't do it! I can't go through with it! You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage! - Screw our marriage! I love you! - Really? Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton.

What's that, Daddy? Well, That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. But We should probably ask a scientist-- I'm a guy, you jackass!

Not if we do a 1980s fixing-stuff-up montage.

There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum. In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property!

Peter, We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will.

I think your problem is you're not communicating in a way... that speaks to their experience. You know what you should do? Get in there tomorrow and do the robot. Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try... a whole new approach. Thanks. Okay, you can stop that now.

You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel. You got something new to write about now, you know. Maybe a main character gets into a relationship...

Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11. (ALL CHEERING)

I sure did. We enjoy each other's company.

Oh, I'm just writing some new lyrics.

and we'll slap five there. Then afterwards, we'll hit the bars. That sounds good to me. I'm 18, and I'm ready to do some living. We are gonna raise more hell than Hellraiser.

Great! Who's my partner? Hey there, hot stuff!

Well, I suppose I... (PHONE BEEPS) Hang on, honey, I'm getting another call. Hello? Hey, is fat ass home yet? Put him on, I want to talk to him. Thanks for coming to get me, you guys. Hey, no problem. We spent thousands of dollars to send you here and made two trips to Florida in four days.

Listen, thanks, everybody. I had a great time tonight. I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport. Lois, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Chris, the guys from the prison... Counting Crows. If I'm forgetting anybody, I'm sorry. Goodnight, everybody! Our thoughts are with you, Chevy!

Okay, but be careful. There's some snow monsters out there. Relax, Han, I'll be careful... (SCREAMING) Cookie!

Wonder what the hell's down there. Judd Hirsch? Hey. What's going on?

That just makes me want you more, you know? Come on, man. Let's just... Let's just go nuts. Let's just... No, I said... I don't... Come on! I don't want... No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right! Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far.

Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11. How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. - 3,000. - Wow! 3,000? Oh, you knew what you were doing there. TOM: This major breaking news just in. Nine Southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States. The announcement came from former President George W. Bush,

God, this is such an old-people house, you know. I mean, look at this candy jar. Let's--Let's, uh, take a look in here. Let's--Let's see what you got here. You got... You got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's... Oh, Freedent. Oh, that's good. Yeah--Yeah, I got a-- I got a sweet tooth, I think I'll have some Freedent. What's this? A cough drop. A Luden's cough drop.

Yeah, that's why we wear these big helmets. It's a lot more intimidating. I'll be honest with you. I don't like people who are different.

(CRYING) I don't know who any of you are anymore! Oh, he's really upset. I haven't seen him like this since he saw that Rocky Dennis movie. Take off the mask! That's your problem! Right?

(BOY SCREAMING)

how--how would our forefathers have settled their differences? 8, 9, 10, and turn!

Ho-ho! You pat my back, I pat yours, and Pat Robertson pats Mr. Happy. (EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters.

Aah!

If we wanna get to Aspen, we're gonna have to get over those mountains somehow. Excuse me, how much is it to rent a helicopter? It's $10 an hour. But there's a $100,000 deposit. Oh, God. Looks like we're walking. Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune.

I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING)

There, all done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel. (EVERYTHING I DO PLAYING)

Peter, we are not missing a once-in- a-lifetime event, because of some wacko doomsday theory. Ok, Ok. Hey, uh, you guys.

Stewie, I know it was you. Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to.

Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns.

- Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow. Hey, everybody. Wait till you see this.

I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay. What the hell kind of dog is that? I was going to ask the same thing. That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello?

I'd love some. My head is swimming. Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing? I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter, but I love you and I can't stand it anymore!

Well, I just won't, I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast, I just did! Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger! (Chris) What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople? I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head. Well, If I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem.

Ah, You mean this? Oh, God. Yes, I love that.

Hey, Stewie, thanks for coming with me. This really has been an amazing trip. Yeah, it's been great. Um, listen, Brian, this might be a good time to tell you, uh, I invited, um, somebody to come to the room. Well, what do you mean? (LOUD KNOCKING) Oh, that must be him now.

Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing. Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

Your daughter's a sexual predator.

(BOTH PANTING) What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese.

(GRUNTING) Damn it!

Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive! You gotta tell me everything that happened. I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it. Peter, didn't you hear what I said?

Penis. All right. All the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of that. Hey, Brian. Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on.

He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation, which would account for Scotty's memory loss. Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds.

we should send a moron they can relate to. Yeah. Yeah. Good thought. But Where are we going to find someone within the company who's that stupid? Yeah. And not just stupid. Fat, too. That's exactly what we need. Hey, Wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president? You bet we did. Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is...

STEWIE: Um... What's the matter? You never been down the slide before?

Look out! Here comes a squadron of PIE fighters!

Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game, and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's googatz. Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. Beautiful!

is That Guy He's tinsel on a tree He's everything that every guy should be Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds

I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I can't look at you! I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly.

Now stand back.

Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything! (BOTH GIGGLING) Peter, have you seen this tuition bill? Morningwood Academy is charging us $30,000. Well, looks like we're all gonna have to take second jobs.

I demand to see the owner! That's me. I'm Bob Funland. What? Y-You own this whole place? That's right! This place is my legacy! So what have you done with your life, you jerk? Uh, uh...

You and I are Doo-doo-doo so awfully different Doo-doo-doo too awfully different Doo-doo-doo to ever be pals Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Your head's as massive as a meteorite oh, Very funny.

It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois?

Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone. You're all here because you've made a choice to renounce your evil, sinful ways, and redeem yourselves in the eyes of your Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who hates many people, but none more than homosexuals. And through our carefully structured program, you will succeed.

Well, gentlemen, sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages.

That's a winner in my book.

Super. And only 3 more hours till school. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?

You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills! Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing? Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? I--I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?

You can't go yet. We haven't had dessert. Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you?

Hey, Meg. Hi, Connie. I can't fit all my books in my locker. Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? (LAUGHING) Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father. Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there?

(ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING) Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

Well, terrific. Hey, maybe I'll get to use this after all, huh? I'm just... I'm kidding. Oh, please. At my age, I don't have to worry about pregnancy. (BOTH LAUGHING) How old are you? Oh, you don't want to know. - I kind of do. - Hang on. Just let me get my purse and we can go. Wow, she seems great!

I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor. Oh, don't worry, I watch Regis and Kelly. I can handle it. Oh, so, you know. This is my husband Ben.

uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2

Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar. Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here,

um, i--I'm not sure what it goes to but, uh, i--I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to, and--and then it'll... Wait a minute. Actually, Could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever.

You two didn't hear that, did you? BRIAN: Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. BRIAN: I don't work here. Then I'll have you killed. BRIAN: I want to die.

We did? Aw, yeah! He was a loser then, and he's a loser now. We used to kid this guy all the time. Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy! So We're not going just because some little pissant tells us to. I demand to see the owner!

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

We're off on the road to Rhode Island We're having the time of our lives Take it, Dog! We're quite a pair of partners

Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone.

That's because it has my secret ingredient in it. Vodka! (SLURRING) You know what we should do? You know what we should do? We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go. Just go and start a business. (SLURRING) You know, I never... I never told anyone this,

CHRIS: Obi-Wan! Boy, you got here just in time. No!

even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2. I--I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. Hi. Welcome to-- Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

It wasn't funny. It was gay.

My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke.

Oh, That's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets. Dead brill, eh? Ah! Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute.

Are you firing me? Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture. What the hell are you guys doing? You're not leaving this room until you agree to stop this modeling thing... once and for all. This isn't gonna work, you guys. Why can't you understand I'm doing what I want?

The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, and everyone was making up their Christmas lists. (JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow! What just happened was kind of sad. (HUMMING SAD TUNE)

(GASPS) Oh! Oh, my God! I don't want this to happen to you, Meg. I don't want you to turn into a hilarious photograph. Dad, I know what you're trying to do, and I want you to stop it. Mom! What is it, Meg? Mom, tell Dad to leave me alone.

pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie.

Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time. So what does that mean? Well, it suggests that time may not simply be flowing backwards, it may, in fact, be accelerating. Accelerating? Why would that be happening? I'm not sure. Have you ever heard of a phenomenon called time dilation, Brian? Sure. No, you haven't. Time dilation, in forward time,

Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

Let's face it. Your kids are gonna get into your guns. That's a fact. Gun accidents can be avoided by introducing your children to guns as early as possible. Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Say, Do you ever get lonely? Yes. Me, too. Hold me.

Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? James Taylor. Yeah, let's keep it that way. This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car.

So I created a scenario in which everyone's memories were erased, to demonstrate that you and Peter would never naturally associate with one another. But I was wrong. It appears you two have a genuine bond after all.

Hey, What about this house? I could give him the house and call it even. Cherrywood isn't worth $100 million. Brian, it's the Historical Society. We just gotta convince him that $100 million dollars worth of history happened here. So you're saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle 51 years before he was born.

Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Prepare to be boarded. You'll never take my cargo.

Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00. if you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00. I can't believe this!

I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois. Peter, it's me.

Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing?

There is nothing more precious than a baby's laughter.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say. Sha-zooo. Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian. This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort. Or to Quagmire. (LAUGHING) He's gross.

Oh, My God! I'm gonna die! Oh, uh, uh, To the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- your car is being towed. What? I won!

What took me so long, right? (ALL LAUGHING) All right, we're running out of time. We gonna get this orgy started or what? What? (ENUNCIATING) We are running out of time. Are we going to get this orgy started or what? Oh, my God! You thought that's what we were here for?

I think every Italian in Quahog is here. Yeah! Go, white girl!

(JET SOARING) What the hell is that?

There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there? (BOTH GRUNTING)

If Meg doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future she'll have? You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat. Shut up! I found this meat!

and the last few years of MaSH. When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh? Am I right? Who's with me? Huh? This year we will defeat those Pranksters with our secret weapon... Guillermo. Ugh. Bravo!

f choose you and you and you. So, come on. f said, let's go!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I punch you too hard? Yes, I suppose you don't know your own strength. Look at your muscles. Stop it. You're the one with the sick abs. God, my mouth is watering just looking at you. Yeah, that's right. You buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened? Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god.

You know, if you had any balls, you'd put that gun down, and we could settle this like men. (LAUGHING) That's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you. Hey, I'm serious, man. Unless you're scared I can take you. Suit yourself, man. Just means you're gonna die slower.

Ok, let's see what this baby can do. Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.

Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!

Oh, right. Yeah, no, you don't, you know Karina. I'm her brother, Stewie. It's nice to meet you. Is she home? Oh, yeah, yeah, she's upstairs. Come in. Brian, you've met Julie, right? Julie's my sister's co-star on Jolly Farm. Hi, Brian. Why don't you keep her company while I go fetch Karina? Just make sure you get her fast.

God will make you pay. Smite them! He's cooking something up.

Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about. You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good..." War, war, war! That last sentence was about war! Look, an expert confirmed that the blackmail note was signed by the victim. That points irrefutably to West. Well, maybe we should take a look at that letter.

Ladies and gentlemen, my newest work. Now, I know this person looks a little mixed-up, but watch carefully. If I move this down here, and this over here. And this part here. Anyone tell who it is yet? No? Okay, well, what if I move this here, and this here.

You fool!

But what about this farm? And this house? And the lab inside the house, which is currently producing an incredibly volatile and explosive batch of thermo-reactive... (EXPLOSION) (THUDDING) There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house.

Billiam, are you there? Stewie! Wh--wh--What the devil are you doing here? Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him.

(THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time?

(THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over.

We blew it, didn't we? Boy, you can say that again. We were right there, ready to save Roger Williams Park, and we got sidetracked by idle conversation. We're a terrible A-Team. You know what the problem is? We didn't stay focused. That's exactly it. I was gonna... We didn't stay focused. I mean, we were right there, you know? And then we just... Somehow we just... I mean...

What the-- AHh!

That's fine, that's fine! We'll take it! CHER: (OVER PA) Bethlehem! I have one question for you! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

Everyone I've told about the file is dead. What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires! Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. aah!

- Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God! Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody, but we were too scared,

My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat I got blisters on me fingers! A drop more of the shine, my dear? Yes, please.

Who can forget? I remember just crying like a baby.

All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! Aw, You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? Oh, To hell with you!

three wise men were preparing for a journey of their own. - Chris, did you get a haircut? - CHRIS: I did.

CONSUELA: It's okay. I clean.

Ah, Please flush the toilet twice. Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a deAR.

- Hey, do you hear that? - What?

(EXHALES)

Okay, so the topic is going to be, "Should God play a role in politics?" Oh, and here's your heartworm pill wrapped in baloney. Stewie, the point of the baloney is that I don't know the pill is there. Why am I standing under an air vent? Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..."

Dad, Mr. Herbert called me thunder thighs. Oh, you did it. Thank you!

That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage.

What are you talking about? You hate cats. I'm going to meet her cats. Jeez, all right. Okay. All right. You don't have to get all... Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog

- Brian. - Uh... Stewie. Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here. Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird. Can we fix that? Let's get that out of there. Ew. Oh, I'm so thirsty. Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water.

(CHUCKLING) Ow! Damn it, Peter. Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate.

How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire? Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up,

Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault. You can't vault inside the living room. You're gonna get hurt. Yeah. I'll get hurt right onto a Wheaties box. I don't see that happening. Yeah? Who cares what you say? You're a dog. You can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag. Commie.

I don't know, Chris. Sorry I'm late, guys. Peter, where have you been? Look, you try scheduling a haircut today. You know, you'd think you'd wanna spend your last day on Earth with your family! Hey, I'm here, aren't I? With only seconds left. Don't you love me? Of course I love you, Lois! You're the most important person in the world to me! You promise? I promise.

Sounds good to me. (GASPING)

Say hello to your future brother-in-law.

You just let me know if you need any-- How do these jeans look?

How dare you! This is a wonderful home!

I'm sure he'll find a way to cope. Morning, Lois. And you were worried. Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on.

Well, I got my job back, Angela's happy again, and she's not gonna harass me anymore. Everything worked out perfect. Not really, Peter. Yeah, you cheated on your wife. No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort! I want my $2!

Well, the upside is, at least we have our old Brian back. From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about.

Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still. Check it out. Hey, Margaret tha-- Ugh! What the hell, I thought you English guys never moved.

"The don's daughter is getting married tomorrow. "Here's my invitation. "Now get the asterisk- percent-ampersand out of here, you SOB." What's a SOB? Ah!

Fat boy smelled a hot dog. Couldn't help it. Went right in.

Man, this is a great show. They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside them. Like--Like this one guy didn't know he was actually 2 midgets.

Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years. Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. The ball is on a string and attached to the cup. So there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup. And cleanup is as easy as catching a ball in a cup.

But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive. Bring it on!

What the devil is in here?

Good old-fashioned, all-American fun. Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while.

Man, I wish I could listen to some Tatooine, Wind & Fire right now. Hmm. So, you think the Empire's gonna fall, man? (STUTTERING) I don't know, man. How you doing right now? Good. Why?

Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)

Go on, put some food in your mouth. Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God! Peter, are you feeling all right? Oh, he's fine. You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea. He eats with porpoise. (LAUGHS) Oh.

So, how do you like working at the vet? Oh, it is so rewarding. Ever since I was a little girl,

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad,

What the hell? That's weird. Why do I look like a chick in that mirror? (SCREAMS) What's wrong with you, Holder-Downer 5000? That's just for women.

Prepare to suck that golden teat

It's gonna be weird to potty. Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

Oh, my God!

Peter, no! Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely.

Carter, hand me my thinking grenades. Where did you get these? (SHUSHING) Carter, I'm thinking. - (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening?

I just... You know, sometimes, taking things slower is better. Just ask any sloth. MAN: Hey, is sometimes taking things slower better? Yeah.

They're coming too fast! A nickel for every time I've had that problem. Just keep shooting, Luke.

Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig. I've become my father! Come on, Stewie. Let's get your sailor suit. You got to look cute if you're auditioning for national television. Lois, I told you there's no way... National television, you say? Coast to coast?

No! Whoa! ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday.

Yes, I did! Ok. Now we're gonna play "7 Minutes in Heaven." And it's my party, so I want Doug to go in the closet with Meg. Ok. Here we go. Have fun.

(SCREAMING)

Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub.

Okay, for real now.

you're gonna help us out, right?

It's about damn time! No words... sh-Should have sent a poet. There's enough food to last us forever!

But it's AIDS

(THUDDING) Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)

Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more. This van has the latest in law-enforcement technology. Watch.

Well, how would you like to spend four hours desperately trying to give me a muscular soldier?

I'll be in the car. That was a very productive first day, Brian. Our goal here is to find your X-factor, the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place.. Well, just-- just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders. Thanks, Doctor. Wh--What are you doing here?

And what exactly are your demands? We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge? Yes. We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home. No.

Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son

Well, the election results are pouring in and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me, Diane, when's the last time you heard... Forget it. Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck. Well, folks, this is it. The last of the votes have been tallied, and we're getting the final results in now.

We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies.

You don't want to be with me. You're just like everybody else. So go, then!

Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress.

Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the Device!

JOHN BUNNELL: This Rebel lawbreaker thinks he can outrun the Empire. The pursuing officers realize he's entered a residential area. They give him a wide berth, but they don't let him out of their sight. Astonishingly, the driver makes a left, right into an asteroid field.

not as a way to outdo some imaginary antagonist in conversation.

Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!

What? That's... (SCREAMS) And then I paid a couple of Mexicans to run over him with their car. I hope they don't just take the money and skip town. Oh, the swordfish looks good today. I'll have that and start with the caviar. Hey, can I look at the menu?

And then I'd cut you.

Yes, and then... What? No, I mean, that would like... That would show her. What the hell does the second part have to do with that? No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project. Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?

PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three. Okay! Easy, easy, easy... Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait... Stop! Stop, stop... What? What, what? - No, no, no. Twist it. - I am. No, no, no. The other way. Which way? You're twisting the wrong way. What do you want me to do?

Unzip me. Where's your father? He's still down in the basement. Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already-- Ahh! Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! The end of the world is coming.

Who Wants to Marry Corky from "Life Goes On"? You won't believe what happened. Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going?

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland!

That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here we go.

Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and You got it all over your father's favorite shirt! Now, Go to your room! Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want.

Well, someone should be. I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris. We just don't know what else to do. Well, I think we may have a solution. We have these cats that hang around the school, and we feed them. Why doesn't Chris come in, and we can treat him like one of the cats? Then, in a couple of years, we'll give him a diploma. That doesn't sound like he'll be getting the best education.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to.

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts,

" tried to tell you. This is my spot now, Brian. Oh. I see. Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running.

You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again. I think that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you. But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed.

Oh, Brian, we're so thrilled your gay cousin, Jasper, finally decided to come visit. Me, too. It's been way too long. Anyway, thanks for putting him up. No problem, Brian. It's great to have visitors. Except for that time Moby-Dick stayed with us. Do you have any Raisin Bran? Uh, oh, no, sorry.

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay?

To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter. Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother, who isn't as good- looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it! And so is Meg! Let's go get her back!

I'm sure he'll find a way to cope. Morning, Lois. And you were worried. Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality. Boring. I'm gonna go see what else is on. Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the '90s. Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'"

You're all doing such a great job, I wanted to play you a song I wrote about what America means to me. When you say USA

Oh, Yeah. Um, Mr. Weed, I don't care what the guys at work say. I never thought you were an effeminate weirdo. Uh, uh, So, uh, what--what kind of a name is Weed? They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. Our original name was Bermuda Grass. Peter, being here with your wonderful family,

Let's go butts-up and fast. Oh, no! Patch of sand. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God! Are you all right? I'm fine. Let's just keep riding bikes. Are you sure? That was a wicked wipeout. I'm fine. Can we just keep riding bikes, please?

Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No. Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent.

I need information. I was molested by my dad. I know that. I need other information. I want you to tell me where I can find Bobby Briggs. Come on, you know I can't give out a client's personal information.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this. Boo-hoo!

(CHUCKLES) The secret is in the frosting, but I'll never tell. Well, here's another chance to open a restaurant. You're right. Ooh. And I'll make my special cupcakes. - No, Peter... - Oh, yeah, right. That was the problem.

Guys, Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car! No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat. Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car.

What? I'm sorry, Lois. We all had some pot brownies on the plane. Hey, Peter, are you seeing this rabbit? No. Well, I sure am. You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick. Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh. Oh, my God. Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways. Thank you. (ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies.

(MAN READING) The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute.

That Martian wants a fight, he'll get a fight. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old! Hey, look what Rocky bought me with his money.

MEG: What? Yep, all you gotta do is sign this contract. Are you out of your mind? You can't sell me, you fat son ofa bitch! Whoa! Careful getting this fish off the hook, Mort. She's got some fangs. What do you think of that, Neil? Daddy bought you a girlfriend. Excuse me. If anybody is interested, I already have a girlfriend.

Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera. Security... Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us! Hey, hey, somebody help! We're in here! No one's out there, Brian. They would have come in. Save your energy. - Oh, my God. - What?

(SCREAMING) Heart attack! Glenn, sweetheart! Is he all right? No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop. Oh, my God! Are you sure? You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels.

You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

(GROANING) Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night? Good morning. Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad! Yeah. From The Hills! Yeah. You seem surprised.

You'd give Dad a job, even knowing what a jerk he is? I have to. As you said, Peter, "I am the freakin' Pope."

I'm gonna go get a beer.

WEll, Laugh all you want. But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know what? you know what? I bet you run into those 2 dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. And You're not gonna know which one is which, And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me. Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs? Aren't you a little over-dressed?

Stewie, step aside. Penelope, I can't let you do this. Stewie, she's one year old. I think I can handle this myself. (EXCLAIMING) All right, Stewie, tag in.

"Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money. Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation.

My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC. Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

welL, Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't believe he's almost a year old. Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born. One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to sEE? Yeah. You know I've never actually seen a live baby being-- Oh, GoD!

Who are you? I'm Stewie Griffin. And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog! (SCREAMING) (POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING) (CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY)

Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too. No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack. Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious? Oh, we should get you to the hospital. All right, hold-hold on a sec. - I... All right, almost done. Almost done. - Peter! Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go.

The pathway to enlightenment starts with an unfettered, focused mind. Look out! What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.

Was he bigger than me?

All right. I made a touchdown. - Griffin, you're fired! - For what? We've had it with your crap.

DJ ON RADIO: Classic rock 103.7, WHGT. I hate this station. They always make promises they can't deliver. DJ ON RADIO: Playing the greatest rock-and-roll hits of all time!

Bye, new awesome friends. Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. Yo, Joe.

Meanwhile, here at home. Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. I don't think you should use the word "freak," diane. Some people might find it offensive. Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak! We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us.

That's gay. Yeah, it was pretty gay. What the hell are you doing with a musket? Last day on Earth. I've always wanted to save a Native American family from rapacious cavalrymen. (SCREAMING) (SCREAMS)

Peter, How can you just sit there and let him talk like that? Aw, He's right, Lois. I am no good. Even my own dad doesn't love me. Face it. I'm going to Hell. Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here?

Ahh! It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary. My thoughts exactly. Ugh.

You're gonna spoil your dinner.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man!

One of the chef's specialties, you'll love it. It was caught fresh less than ten miles from here. I'll have the New York strip steak. Mmm. My absolute favorite dish here. It is a spectacular cut, superbly seasoned and the marbling is some of the best I've ever seen. And I'll have the chicken. Mmm-hmm.

But don't you stand there and lie to me. Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass. Why can't you just hire a real baby-sitter? Well, I guess we could do that. Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on BlindDate. I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za?

...and I thought we could go deep in the woods, where no one would ever think to look... Oh, boy. ...and just shoot it. Awkward. You know, like so far in that no one can hear gunfire... A little on the nose. ...or screaming. I don't think so, Peter. Jeez, it's like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him. He's acting all crazy like Quagmire when he drunk-dials me.

Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy!

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight

Lois, we gotta go! That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter.

Good afternoon, mustache wearers. Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet. There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum. Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month, as it is the 70th birthday of his mustache? Oh, I think we just send a nice card. Just make sure it has a mustache on it.

Lois Griffin is a slut. What? Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. Someone we can trust.

Holy crap!

(VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it!

Nude? Yes. We're nudists. Permission to freak out? Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here!

(GROANS) Come on, math, you dick.

My darling dear Lois, may I have this dance? Peter, what are you doing here? I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn.

Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy,

Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert.

Swanson, what the hell's going on in here? I'm sorry, Chief. I just can't let them bulldoze this building. Hey, Joe, is this the same chief whose wife is a real hog? Swanson, don't be a fool. You really want to throw away your career on this? Guys, your bar is gone.

Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where? To the North Pole, to see Santa Claus. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming!

(ROCKET ROARING) (PETER GIGGLING)

Holy crap! Hot! aah! There's no way out!

What? Those bastards! Don't you worry, Chris.

I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my savior. It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. I want to share the word of God with everyone I know, starting with my family. Now, everyone hold hands, because we're gonna say grace before we eat.

(LAUGHING)

Thank you very much. Peter, please. I saw an ad for a used car that would be perfect. Oh, No, Lois. A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes. I'm buying our car from a dealer, and that's that. Oh-h-h, Look! Oh, Aren't you beautiful?

And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's only making it worsE! Look, There's a reason I'm in charge here, all right? I'm the one who knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town. And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. That's nothin' to be proud of! Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!

Is that a bracelet you're wearing?

i-I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich!

And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair, that's why I'm naming you my Chief of Police. Mayor West, there's something you need to see! My God! My wife is seeing another mayor!

(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles!

We have the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and even that fat guy at the Atlanta Olympics who didn't do it, but he looked mean, so we said he did. Joe, you don't get to talk about the regular Olympics. Well, I gotta go down there right now and tell Mahmoud we can't be friends anymore.

Brian? Stewie, what the hell? But how can you be... (GASPING) Oh, my God. Could it be? What the hell is going on? My teleportation machine worked. Of course it did, that's how we got here. No, that's how you got here. I flew. The machine must have created two pairs of us.

magazine Someday I know We, too, will go

BRIAN: You like that? Yeah, it's rad. BRIAN: Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom.

Good-bye, Pearl. Hey, Who wants to see a dead body?

Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V. if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh!

Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?

(BELLOWING) Man, Texas is great. Back where I'm from, a retarded guy could never have this much fun. What'd you just say? What? Technically, I'm retarded.

Let's make up our minds.

(EXCLAIMING) You know, this is why... Brian, you remember the last couple of weeks I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about. This evening is ru-ined. Look... Wait, what? This evening is ru-ined. The whole evening is ru-ined.

No, it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country. (LAUGHING) That's the movie Iron Eagle. What? Is that... Is that a recent film? They made three sequels! Yeah, well, in mine,

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you, Principal Shepherd. My sister Meg will be helping me introduce the President, since we wrote this essay together. "What is Hope?" by Chris and Meg Griffin. Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked.

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway.

Really? Wow, thanks, Mom. Meg in low-riders. Enough of that.

- Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this. You are really starting to take advantage of this whole situation. Peter's just expressing himself. High five for expressing yourself, Peter. High five! All right!

(BOTH LAUGHING) We've only had one conversation, but I can tell we're gonna be lifelong friends. And since you're black and I'm white, that makes it more special for the audience.

You guys, we're still on in Boston.

I'm real proud of you, champ. Let's go get a milkshake. You got it, Mr. Drummond.

Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married

Hey, Where is he anyway? Well, This'll be for my 4th birdie. Looks like someone's in the zone. Aww! Tough break there, Jesus. Yup. Or was it? Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Boo-yah!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Until finally, after much hard work, the colony of Quahog was complete.

Well, yes, but I... Well, I don't see how that's anybody's business but my own. Well, how about you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other. What are they saying? Is my baby all right? They said that your baby had entered their world through the closet upstairs,

I would wreck that chick.

Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job. You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson. I didn't want to overload her on her first time out. Besides CHiPs is about to start. So let's sit back and get lost in a world of California Highway Patrol fantasy!

Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby. I can do it! Oh, come on, Meg. It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool. But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff.

LOIS: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around? Lois, you know I'm abstinent. Come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night? Well, I guess we do both have needs. Oh, Peter.

Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel. A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch? Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly,

Babies come out of the butt, right? (HESITANTLY) Yeah. Well, we are gonna do something about it. We are gonna figure out a way to induce labor and make Bonnie have that baby. Yeah, the sooner that kid comes out, the sooner we get Joe back. Yeah, we're not complete without Joe. You remember when he bailed on us for that trip to the spa and we had to find another handicapped guy?

Oh, and there's the ER. Don't go in there unless you want everyone to yell at you.

Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor.

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot.

I read it in a book, you monster!

Never had it. Never will. This is my daughter, Loka. My son, Hidalgo. And my cousin, Vinny. Hey, how you doing? Give me a word, any word at all... and I'll pronounce it funny for a nickel.

Here.

What, so that's it, Peter? You're just giving up? I don't know what else to do, Brian. I guess we're never gonna be a family again. - Hi, Peter. - Oh, my God, Lois. You're all better. That's right. And the doctors say I'll smell like French fries for the next six months. I'll enjoy that. And, Peter, I got a surprise for you. You got the kids back.

6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway?

Don't move, Catherine Deneuve! Freezerino, Paul Sorvino! What are you doing, Mr. Swanson? I'm trying out some cop entrances. We all have to come in with three new ones on Monday. What can I do for you, Meg? Oh. Well, I'm here to help you out while Bonnie's gone.

I had a gay experience at camp. We... We had the radio on and they were talking about some goofy stuff. So, what are you... What are you guys drinking? Hey, Peter, you kind of look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder. A pirate? Oh, cool! You should get a pirate name. And a peg leg. And a hook hand. And you should have sex with that crossing guard,

My wife is seeing another mayor! I'm sorry, sir. Don't be. Because I'm going to win her back. I trust you'll take care of things here in my absence. Officer down!

a most remarkable young man, whose friendship would change my life forever. You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar. Our forefathers wouldn't have taken it on the chin like this. You're damn right. I say we fight the British and drive them back to whatever country they came from!

So we're a little in the red right now. But you got to spend money to make money, champ. Moving on. All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money.

One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes. (SIGHS) Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

Great. Beautiful day. Oh, Gorgeous. Ha! You know, we--We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives.

Oh, thank you! Thank you, and God bless you both! Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)

My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! All right! That's enough! I-- I mean, will you all excuse me, please?

You will find more on Germany's contribution to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided. Yeah, uh, About your pamphlet, uh, i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall erected in 15-- Wait, wait. What are you talking about?

I tell you, I could crap one of those things out in a night. I'm gonna tell Mom you said "crap." No, I mean it. I could do it in three hours and idiots everywhere would buy it. Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point, but I've given up writing. Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before. You don't care about this, so what does it matter?

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life?

No way! Those guys have a TV in their car! (LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing?

Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down. - Uh, Peter, I'm not sure that that's-- - Not now, Lois! Ok, c-c... Ok, Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax. Relax, relax. There you go. There you go. Ok. Shh-shh-shh. It's ok. It's ok. It's all gonna be ok. Peter, you better do your C.P.R.

You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand. Our son is a deserter. Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail. Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie. Joe, you can't! Bonnie, we'll discuss this later! Joe! You're not taking my son anywhere.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison.

Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello! Hello. My name is Blake Carrington. Oh! And this is my human, Gabe. Oh, no. What? We just moved in down the street and thought we'd stop in and say hi to our new neighbors. Well, great to meet you. Come on in. I'm Peter. This is my family. My wife, Lois.

Are you out of your mind?

You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives. And After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis. Well, We take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too. Wow, thanks!

Giraffity.

You'll die. You'll die if you do that. Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf? I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder. Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner, but you married a bartender with a kid. These are facts. So what do I gotta do, Doc?

Forget about bowling, Peter. You're very sick. You're not going anywhere. But if I don't go, we'll have to forfeit. I'm sorry, but you need to stay here and get better. Well, then, you're gonna have to bowl for me. What? Peter, I haven't bowled since college. Please, you got to do me this favor, Lois. You owe me from when I took you to see Shakespeare in the Park,

Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman. And Meg. Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.

What the hell am I supposed to learn from that?

Today we'll see some of quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, cry, maybe even get a cheap laugh or two. I know I will, Tom. In fact, There's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell. I'll see you there, Diane.

Hey! Peter, what the-- It's the vibration.

You guys. It's Meg's birthday next week. Oh, my God. It is. Peter, we got to put together a party. Oh, man, I hate kids' birthday parties. This is gonna be worse than that time I was stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.

My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? Wes. They must really want to keep her. Your second wish? I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out.

Dad, I need some advice. I need to know how to get a girl to like me. Chris, buddy, there's a million ways to do that. You just got to do something simple, like Vincent van Gogh.

You are a team of executives I can trust.

To the place in our hearts Where we hide And I guess that's why They call it the blues

English - US - CC

FRANZ: So now you know the truth. (COCKS GUN) I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.

People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards! Oh--oh, People who use the word "guesstimate." Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric! Ew!

Everybody, look at the snow in the yard And who could forget... I bought these gifts for you They're up in my bum And everyone's favorite...

Piss off, you grotty little wanker! It's a fake. It's not real.

But I guess anyone can. Of course you can hit a girl in the face! They have faces, don't they? Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? You bet your ass I am. Look at you! You're pathetic. What kind of a man gets fired by a broad? A man with a female boss? Don't crack wise.

This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called, holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da.

(DOORBELL RINGS) I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS) Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian. Penelope told me I had to kill you because you said we should break up, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Did you have to wait for the streetcar? Look, Rita. I have a confession to make. I met a girl, I had a couple of drinks and I slept with her. You what? I know. I feel awful. It was a terrible thing to do. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again.

Ok.

oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too. My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

I'm going to work!

Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress?

Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing. Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star? I got more cowboy blood in me than Billy the Kid.

(TIRES SQUEALING) Nice going, Joe. Well, it's great being back in the North, where people are civilized. (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Hey, what, are you guys all on a date? Gay!

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.

Oh, my God, it's Ben Fishman. - Is he... - Yep. He's dead. Oh, great. Not only are we caught in this blizzard,

Oh, yeah. And, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

You know, you're lucky you're good at...my... or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you... lubed up...toothpaste in my...cherry... Episcopalian... extension cord... wetness... with a parking ticket. That is the best.

Housekeeping. Housekeeping. MAN: Come back later, please. Housekeeping? MAN: Not now! Housekeeping. MAN: Go away. I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean?

Yeah, everyone except Brian, 'cause he bought a Prius. What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? (LAUGHS) Brian, you suck. What the devil is in here? I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie. We're a gas family now.

I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city! Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. so Can we move this along? Patriots suck! Blasphemy! Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Ahh!

All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out. I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked. Here's your Mikes. What's next? Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.

Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good.

No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't.

(IMITATING ROCKY) And now here's something we hope you'll really like. (CROWD CHATTERING) Settle down, everyone. Okay. Let's get this assembly started. Is everything set, Meg? Once Chris gets up there, my friend in the A/V Department will take care of everything.

We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we?

but pocket-dial him while I walk a few blocks. JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello? I'm getting very little work done! You guys, I just can't take this anymore. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think we all just need to confess. What? Now just hold on, Quagmire.

and Greg became his slave? Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it. Ok, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head!

The victim had access to all the office-of-the-mayor stationery he could ever want, yet he hand-made a letterhead on stationery from a Marriott? As far as I'm concerned, that casts doubt. (ARGUING) Look, you guys just say the word and I'll put this ball with cheese in it on the floor. We won't hear from him for an hour and a half.

I think we found his muse.

(ARGUING) What the hell?

I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk.

He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe!

QUAGMIRE: Hey, what's going on? You guys up to something? Shh. Kids, don't move. QUAGMIRE: (TURNING KNOB AND KNOCKING) Hello?

Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear? I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian. Well, I just think you're being sold a bill of goods. Brian, I don't care what you think. And for your information, there are gonna be some changes around here. Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie?

I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine!

Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. (SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out. (GROANING ANGRILY)

Ah, This sucks. Nice choice for a hangout, Peter. There's not even anywhere to sit down! Is that some kinda crack? What do you mean Crack? Are you saying I got a fat ass? Fellas, Fellas, what's become of us? We never squabbled before we lost the Clam. Yeah, you're right! It's Those lousy fog breathers! Damn British! First they took our bar, now they're taking our friendship!

This is what I want our empire to be about.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful. Look at Gregory Peck's kids. Are we there yet? It's crowded back here.

BRIAN: Stewie, I got a flea thing going on in here! Where the hell's my Frontline? (SIGHS) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, look at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job! "Great job," so you know that phrase. What's that? What? What phrase do I know?

Oh, I love Total. Oh, Actually, so do I. And it's healthy for us, too. Oh, God! It's starting already! Lois, we are screwed.

I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some. Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps? We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink. I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep, then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What?

you know, in a couple of years, something's going to come along called Sesame Street. And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind. The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois.

They're gonna kill him! We got to get him out of there! It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush! (SNORING)

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Mr. Herbert. I want you back. Please, will you be my paper-customer again? Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass.

Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere

You know, Stewie, I'm really glad I gave you another chance. You're a really special guy. I know. No, no, I'm kidding. I'm not really that self-centered. But, you know, Olivia, I can't think of any place I'd rather be than right here, right now with you.

You know, Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing-- Shut up. The dog just told me to shut up.

somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.

You shouldn't have done that, little fellow. You just earned yourself a trip to the pound!

Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin.

Hey, yo, you're getting your grinder on my grinder! And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin! (CROWD CHEERING)

Damn it, Swanson. I want them found. Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins. We just don't have any leads.

Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore.

Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed. Oh, good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good. Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING)

How? Wha? My God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive, he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star!

And this is our Uzbekistani friend, Bokyavroychesku.

Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart.

It's just so hard to get over here without anybody finding out. Have you gotten all the letters and hair that I've sent? It's the only thing that's getting me by, Meg. Thank you. How'd your parole hearing go? Not good. Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years. Oh, Luke. I don't expect you to wait for me, Meg. No, I will, Luke. If it takes 10 years or 20 years,

Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.

(CANNED LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) That waiter's like, "What?" Well, you did it, Peter. You got TV back to normal. Yeah, guys, I'm sorry for screwing up all your favorite shows. Oh, that's okay, Peter. So, what do you say? Are we pals again? - Of course we are. - You bet.

Chris, A. Meg, F.

You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games,

You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

It was a simpler time. It was a better time. Well, no matter what happens to us, I just hope Meg's okay.

Quick, Brian, get on! PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God!

Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom. I finally got up the guts, but i--I had this damn nervous twitch. Um, ph-Phoebe? Yeah? Uh, I was wondering if you'd, uh, d-do me the honor of, uh...

All right, first scene up is on page 12. Everybody, this is our new Jolly Farm resident, Karina Smirnoff. She'll be playing the role of Mary.

You guys, don't you think I'm a little old for the Teen Choice Awards? I mean, I turned 18 today. Oh, come on, Meg. You always used to love the Teen Choice Awards.

It would be like Raisin Bran, but it's not Raisin Bran. That would be like Total with raisins in it. That's just splitting hairs here. It's not really doing it for me.

We 'ff be landing in South America shortly. Please buckle your seat belts. ANNOUNCER: Hey, Brenda, what’Ve you got for me? Coffee?

Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley... and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood. Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways.

All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things. A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with. Right. But a murderer? I only just found God. Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven? If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer.

I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that. I'm telling you, this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden. Oh, my God! Peter! When did you get that? Eh, a few of the fellows at work talked me into it,

I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor." This is ridiculous. That never happened. Sit down, you rapist! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to wait until I've heard everything. Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad.

(LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) STEWIE: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

but you have to catch me first! Looks like you found me, Mr. Griffin. But which one of us is the real king of prop comedy and not just an illusion, huh? That's right, Mr. Griffin. Just a little further.

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg. I wanna show you something. Teen People?

(GASPING) (SIGHING) He was "Putin" us on, huh? Right? What do you think of that? Chevy? Right? That would have passed for funny in one of your movies, right? Okay, moving on. Gentlemen, let me put your minds at ease. I know why you are here, and I mean to help you.

I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body. Well, we thought of that. PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no! (IMITATING FANFARE)

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple. I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay. Sure, I love pizza. This half of the apartment is mine, but if you want to come over here, that's okay, too. This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini. You're right. It is. I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends.

Not for me, but it's good to have you back, pumpkin. Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do. Listen, thanks, everybody. I had a great time tonight. I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport.

I thought he was my friend. Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter. I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Thank you. (JOE SOBBING)

What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis!

That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off!

Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.

I mean a lot better

Fuck you, Dad!

That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing, Tiffani. Thank you. Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money? Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment.

Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

You're not? No! Well, then what are you doing here? Well, Dale and I found out that we can't have children. We've conceived many times, but for some reason the eggs won't attach. It was suggested that I find a healthy woman who would consider carrying our child to term. And, well, Lois, that's why we're here. We were wondering if you would be our surrogate.

Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them. Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.

Oh, 'cause he's got a lump on his booby. Chris, that's a terrible word "booby."

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One, no tax-dodging Jedis in my pit! Religion is tax-exempt! Jedi is a religion!

Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God! Boobies!

Hey, guys! guys, Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky. Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me? I'm with my husband! Lose the zero, get with the hero. Little violent for you, don't you think? Heh! I'll be right over there. We interrupt with this breaking news.

It's taco. Taco!

Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight? No. You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) I'll see you at 7:00.

LOIS: Destroy me and this laundry. PETER: Yeah. Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth. Oh, my God, that's so disturbing. I know, gross. Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff. All I want to do is have a little fun before I die Says the man next to me out of nowhere

Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no.

Oh, you out of time, baby. DamN! Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future.

You know, that little wrinkle that fat people get on their elbows that looks like a schwa? I mean, you wouldn't have sex with her, would you? Oh, yeah, I would. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would do everything to her. I don't care what she looks like. I would wreck that chick. Well, you are a trouper.

Oh, shit! That's it!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna miss you guys so much. Don't forget to call and let me know exactly when you'll be back. Get out.

Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer.

Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us. Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street.

I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity." Hey, look at this. What? I think what Lois is trying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively. For example, Chris has his drawing,

good times and bad. So? So we'll solve this problem. Wait? You mean together? Yes. Because together we can do anything, face any foe, overcome any obstacle. Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones!

You're not my real mom!

All right, gentlemEn, Before you tee off, here are your complimentary monogrammed bag towels, a sleeve of balls, and this mobile ball cleaner. Clean as a whistle, sir. Um, i'm--I'm not gonna get short by touching your spit, am I?

until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand local news.

You balanced our checkbook? Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical. All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you in there? It's me.

What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

Somebody at the door? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you.... I'm not a dog, you fat bastard! Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

or even ran over somebody's mailbox. Killing a dog is not a crime? (LAUGHING) Of course not. Yeah, especially for you. An animal killing another animal. That happens all the time.

Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh? More like T.P. Party.

What? You're the one who told me to wait! You're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland.

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh!

You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! (WAILING)

I did okay. ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America (MUMBLES) ...America I got other news, too. One of the fat kids at camp got strangled!

I'm Andy! I love you, Andy! Come on, guys, fight.

Look. Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.

Sounds more like someone dropping sandwiches off a rooftop. Watch out below, right? Look like Hacky Sacks. You'll be sorry if you kick 'em, though. (INHALES) All righty, well he seems to be all done now. You have a good evening... (THUDDING RESUMES) Oh, my goodness. He must have gotten into the chicken feed again. You'd think they'd know it wasn't in their diet,

That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one.

You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel. You got something new to write about now, you know.

- Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here? Don't they have bookstores at the Nazi fascist...

Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING)

Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no! TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago.

but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau.

Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape.

World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two.

Oh, my God! They've opened fire!

(IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING)

(PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.

Cool. Rock on, Brian. Okay, done. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Stewie. Hey. What's up?

He's a family guy Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Peter, you almost done down there? (CACKLING) Look what I found. That's wonderful, Peter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go do some skywriting. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

And that time I snuck into Wimbledon. Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move.

Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's mother agreed not to press charges if you apologize.

Yeah, it's me. And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time. Wow, you sure look... Different than the last time I saw you. Yeah, haircut. So to get out of here, I just make a left out of the driveway and drive as fast as I can?

Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies!

Except for Stewie. and Meg! Ahh! I had a dream It's all about you Meg Griffin Not much you can do Meg Griffin

What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.

I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt!

Somewhere that's Green Are you dead?

Good luck, buddy. I've been barking up that tree for 17 years. Wow, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by. You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

Hang on a second. Who's that? That's Jared's mom. Her husband died in Iraq. Really? No, wait. He was either wounded or killed. I don't remember. Well, which is it, Stewie, wounded or killed? I can work with either. No, no, he's dead. He's dead.

Can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something? Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale. Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only gonna go up. Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it...

No, I just read the back, where it's printed in French. You speak French? Sure, they love me in France. - Oh, Quagmire! - Shh! Quagmire! Silence! C'est Quagmire. (CROWD LAUGHING)

My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to IHOP. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Applebee's. These are the best pancakes I've ever had! And I've been to Denny's. These pancakes are okay.

She got a worse deal than that no-armed baseball player, Bucky LaGrange. ANNOUNCER: Groundball to shortstop. The throw is to second, and again, the ball sails past LaGrange into right field. The runners will score and a cascade of "boos" rain down from the stands,

(ALL CLAMORING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look. Everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this. He's right. We just gotta stay calm. With a killer in the house? Killer in the house. Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next.

Nice work, rookie. You're a credit to the force. Additional generic cop compliment, Brian. Thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose and a few other equally amazing appendages.

Hey, Where do you get off telling me how to raise my son? Oh, Right. Ok. We'll try it your way... honey.

Peter, the car is making funny noises. Oh, You're wrong again, Lois. That wasn't the car. Although you were right about that prune smoothie. Ahh!

Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted.

Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. (PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.

That's the spirit! You can do anything you put your mind to. MAN 1: You know, it's really hard to masturbate with you guys talking. MAN 2: Not for me! Evil, evil monkey Chris, will you knock that off for two minutes? We want to talk to you. Take five, guys. What do you buttheads want?

Look, there's Central Park! There's the Empire State Building! There's a hot-dog cart! Chris, don't spoil your appetite. New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here.

Gonna fly now Flying high now

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit.

Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot, and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.

(ACCORDION PLAYING) Bye, you guys. Have fun at school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Peter, stop pouting. All you got to do is finish third grade and you'll get that promotion.

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well.

They need some kind of indication that Santa was here. Okay, how about this? Look. Hey, now they know he was here, see? Stop it! Look, I'm here giving out free presents! All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want! You know what? I might even make a sandwich! Wait. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something.

GIRL: Mommy! Mama!

And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois.

Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us.

Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back? Of course, Bonnie. Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt. Mmm... That feels good. Um, you're going a little low there, Lois. (CHUCKLING) Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

Wait a minute, wait. Where's Meg? And where's Tom Tucker? Right here! Oh, my God! What happened? I fell through a trapdoor that led to an underground passageway. So, I followed it, and it led me to a hatch over there in the parlor. The same thing happened to me. But with a moustache. All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names.

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way.

Well, I'm gonna turn in. Yeah. Me, too. I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically cleansing the "Small World" ride. Oh, Come on. You guys practically run this country. There's gotta be a ton of fun stuff we could do.

Lois, you saved my life. I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here. Mine! Ah, It was so nice of Joe to work things out with that judge.

Quick, Brian, into the time machine! Stewie, what the hell was that?

Mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp. I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing. Really? Well, yeah, ok. I guess you can tell him I said hi. B-But don't make me sound desperate!

And--and--and--And he told me, "You don't have to understand it. "Your character does." Oh, That always stuck with me. StewiE? OlIvia? What are you doing here? Oh, but I must be an absolute mess. The studio made me fire my make-up girl.

Santa would think it terribly naughty of me not to fulfill my obligation to Mother. You know how much the pageant means to her.

(SIGHING) Almost home. Oh, my God! (DOG YELPS) Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Oh, thank God! Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be... Oh, my God!

Help! Stop!

Yeah, You bet your ass I'm right! Y-You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now! Come on! Brian, have you been drinking? No.

Meg's ass! God, this is even weirder than when Bob Costas insisted on getting into the tub with me every time I took a bath. Ah, this will be relaxing.

So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?"

He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk.

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it.

Well, it's hardly just a skull, Mr. Griffin. I put it on my head, and it's a skullcap! Put it with David Duchovny, and it's Agent Scully. You got to appreciate that... Hey, don't distract me. Now, hand it over, Mr. Top. Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the skull, but you have to catch me first!

Who's that? O.J. Simpson on Spooner Street. Now that's a story I can sink my teeth into. Stick around.

Peter, look! Holy crap, that's the tattoo! Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is. 5-5-5-0-1-4-3. Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.

Hey, Is that turkey? Yes, Death. We were in the middle of a turkey dinner, to celebrate Peter's good health. OH, Do you mind? Mind? Of course she wouldn't mind. It would be an honor. No, no, no, No. it would be a privilege. I-- Oh, dear. Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl.

MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

Okay. All right.

Oh, Stewie, there you are. Thank God. Why are you dressed like Rerun? (ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey!

Hurry up. We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close. Relax. I'm almost done. And why do you have a safety deposit box anyway?

Luke Perry. That's it! Brian, I got my story.

Well, I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter, but what choice did I have? That's ok, Lois. I enjoyed it. Uh, As soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behind us. Lois Griffin is a slut. What?

Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

We've conceived many times, but for some reason the eggs won't attach. It was suggested that I find a healthy woman who would consider carrying our child to term. And, well, Lois, that's why we're here. We were wondering if you would be our surrogate. Oh, my God. You want me to carry your child? Yes. What?

All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse. What are you doing here? Loretta's mom was hankering For a snack, so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits. Cleveland!

You mean like Cousin Janine who we're polite to, but then mock her diabetes on the drive home? She can't eat caramel. Exactly.

Chris!

Ahh! Ow. Hya! Ahh!

Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power. (SCOFFS) You have a different view, Brian?

Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie. Wow. Hey, little sis. I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors.

Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

What's that all about, Goldman? I don't know what you're talking about. James Woods never bought anything in my pharmacy. Ever. PETER: Yes, he did. Says here he talked Muriel into selling him OxyContin for him and his 19-year-old girlfriend. This went on for weeks. But then she started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off. But he wouldn't let her.

Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John? You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other.

- Darn it. - Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ?

Ma'am, you dropped your napkin. Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later. I love you, Lois. I love you, too, Peter. What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

"'He ripped off her lab coat and she grabbed his metallic extension.'

A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

You're going to have to take that somewhere else. It shouldn't be this hard! You know what? I'm on break.

Hello, neighbor.

What is this? This is a weird gun. Yeah. Don't touch that. Oh, it's a flare gun. Maybe you should put that back. I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger?

Ma'am, you dropped your napkin. Here's your drink, sir. Ah, We'll work on it later. I love you, Lois. I love you, too, Peter. What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

Give me that! Not on your life! Take one step closer, and the paper gets it. (GASPS) Drop your guns! Do as he says!

Hey, who raked the leaves? And look, somebody mowed the lawn. I was supposed to do that. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard. Peter, we don't have a choice. We've gotta bring Eli back. Oh, no, we don't.

No, Ida. (GASPS) (RETCHING) (LOUD GROAN)

I was brought up on the streets, no moms and dads I had to fend for myself with my own 2 hands But today I'm hurtin' and I'll tell you why I got a hangnail hanging from my cuticle A hangnail It ain't beautiful It hurts like a bitch that I did last night Hey Chris. What are you doing?

I want an explanation, mister. Hey, Connie pulled a power move. And When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. You say, ok.

Rupert!

Aw, Now you've gone and upset the boy. Peter, this is a new chapter in my life. The--The kids are growing, the nest is empty, and I need some excitement. What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting. For example... There you go. Good night.

This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back.

This song is about me!

Well, with all this debt and no income, there's no way we're gonna be able to keep up our bank payments. Peter, if something doesn't change, I'm afraid we're gonna lose this farm. Great, just what I need on my conscience, another failed business.

Give me all your money! Okay, okay! You have a white wallet? Yeah, just like Truman Capote. Who's Truman Capote? What a surprise! The mugger's never heard of Truman Capote. There's a library card in there! Use it!

So, still no luck on the girl front, huh? I know Dad's been trying to help, and I'm trying to listen to him, but nothing seems to be working. Well, I know I asked him to help, but it occurs to me that you've been taking advice from everyone except the one person who matters.

and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids. Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I guess. (IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, how does this taste? (CHEERING) Well, I guess she thought it was a no-pies-in-the-face kind of neighborhood.

The question is, how am I going to fix it? What the hell?

There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A... Ohh. That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade.

I am so tired of you. It's good to have you back, buddy. Thanks, Dad. I didn't really fit in there anyway. The rooms were only 15 by 20. (LAUGHING) If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd be dead right now.

And how are you today, Mr... Pa-ti-ent? My last name is Saunders. That's an interesting pronunciation.

Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point, but I've given up writing. Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before. You don't care about this, so what does it matter? Well, you do have a point. All right. Maybe I will. Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it?

Take that, wisecracking meatball surgeon!

$150,000. Brian, that sounded like Peter. Hey, Come here, you! $160,000. $170,000. $180,000. $190,000. $200,000. Ooh. Ahh.

And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today. And now, new Lady Scream in a Box. (WOMAN SCREAMING) Finally, a scream that's right for me! Well, it's good to see everyone's adapting to their new business roles.

and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

(CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means. I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

(GASPING) You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired! (DOOR SLAMMING) MAN: No dogs allowed.

Hang on, Santa. We're coming. Hurry, boys. The eggs are hatching! What do we do? Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar! It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no! - Careful. - Hang on, Santa!

We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

A sphincter says what. What? You stupid bastard. Oh, Good to see your new fiscal responsibilities haven't interfered with your reading. Ah, Dostoyevsky, the Mad Russian. Good stuff. Good stuff.

(RUMBLING) Uh-oh.

What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist. And that just happens to be Glen's fetish. Brian, how'd it go?

(CHUCKLES) I love you, pussycup. I love you, too. Now, let's kiss while the camera pans over to the drapes. CARTER: Good stuff happening over here. All implied.

OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.

"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers. "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. "Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. "I don't buy your product with broken quarters,

I just want to seem cool to these guys, but I really hope I have one of those mailboxes that looks like a cow. "Moo," says my mailbox. Well, this is 31 Spooner Street. I'm home. All right, see you guys. I'm gonna go shove my hand down my pants and see if that goes someplace.

I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book. Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. Welcome home, asshole!

No. Let him go.

The only difference is I have the courage to admit it. Does anyone else have the courage? If so, why don't you just come on up here and join me?

Then it's straight to the gym for three hours of crunches and extended eye contact with strangers. Peter! Oh! Don't give me that look, Tony. That's exactly what you said. I said it right back to you.

Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh? Come here! Ah! (GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called.

(BEEPING) Well, that's it. But, don't worry, he won't burn in hell, thanks to all that Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

He shoots! He scores! - Hey! - ahh! Ok, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right. Can we please just drop it? It's just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized! He's just using that as an excuse.

(LAUGHS) Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie.

ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus. Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here. Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.

Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.

You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface.

My God, you're as transparent as your father was when he pretended to be a Hasidic Jew to get off work. Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, you know, I went into a store last week and they wanted $800 for a TV,

(PANTS) Oh, God, that feels so much better. You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat. (CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya!

A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! A piece of candy! Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.

Just a minute. Listen to me, please! This election is about our children's future. So ask yourself, what kind of future will it be if you elect a man who has never taught a student, uh, even been to a P.T.A. meeting. This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"!

As it yields to the sound of your heart beating

I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction. Are those my books? What the hell are you doing?

Hey, Rupert, what if the refrigerator was a monster that talked like this? (IN GRUFF VOICE) I am a monster. I am going to bite your fingers. Here I come. I'm going to get you. Ah! I don't want to play anymore. Normal voice, normal voice. The refrigerator can't hurt me. Okay?

ANNOUNCER: Willkommen! Where are we? AUDIENCE: Das! Ist! Gut! Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja.

A razor blade and a note? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooh, that's a strike. Can't do anything but take that personally. Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating. We should form a club. All right, name something you find in your bathroom.

And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face.

See you, Stewie. Brian, please, can I go with you? It's so boring here. For the last time, you can't come with me. Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner.

Oh, gosh, look who's stuck on the couch again. I'm not stuck on the couch. Okay, Mr. Cranky. One, two, three! There we go! You didn't need me. You did that yourself.

And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!

MAN: (ON PHONE) Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. You have selected 300! If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.

but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian? All right, you guys. I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking... gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. Okay, here we go.

The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!

Move! Run! The shield is down. Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor.

Okay, hang on. See this? Yeah. You know what it is? Duh, it's an apple. Good, good, good. All right, watch this. What the... What is this? Is this some kind of gag? - No. That's orbit. - Huh? You have your own gravitational pull.

Hey guys, Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son?

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

y'kNow, I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says-- Ahhh! Peter, what-- Hya! Hya! I can feel all the bones in your ass! Hya! Hya! Oh, come on, Come on. I see you.

I believe Rodginald knew this, and he even tried to strike me in the manner to which I had become accustomed. But it wasn't the same. And then a miracle happened. Babs! Carter!

Lois Griffin! (ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh. Were we done cheering? (LAUGHS)

It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.

Cut.

Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.

Ugh, all that stuff does is interfere with small business.

Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop!

I don't know what the big deal is. I stopped for one drink after work. Yes, but it's every night. There! Now you can be upset about that. This is fun. I like playing with you, Penelope.

I think Betty White is in PETA. That doesn't even make any sense!

Terri Schiavo is kind of alive-oh The most expensive plant you'll ever see Oh, my God, here comes Jared. Wow, he's in kindergarten. Hey, so you're the plug this year? Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug. Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row.

Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look. Addy, I'm Tojo. Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo. (HUMMING) I am from Japan. (IMITATING GONGING) (GROANS)

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no! So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid?

You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for. Oh, please, you've only known her a week. Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole life for. Well, Jillian was. But I'll never get her back. But Denise... I really think there's something special there. Brian, you went to one protest rally with her. It's hardly a date. Oh, yeah? You want to see?

You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty!

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Oh, my God! Got milk?

Hey, Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream? Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you! Aw, Come on, Lois. I hate to see you so upset. Look, We got animals. We got clowns. I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed up.

But I'm the only one who can see him and hear him... so I'll let everyone know what he's saying and doing. Objection, Your Honor. This is ridiculous. Overruled. I'll allow it. You better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin. Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies... did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did? Well, how interesting.

so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died. That's the way I want to go. I'm really sorry about your dad's parrot. Oh, that's okay. He'll get over it pretty quickly and then move on to another wacky thing. PETER: Lois, whose pipe organ is this? My name is Anna. I'm Chris.

Peter, what's the matter with you? Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe? You don't admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them. When did it become ok to be handicapped? Don't talk like that! He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him! Fine. Then why don't you all marry him?

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got.

We can't find him. Well, that's no good. All right, you two are gonna have to leave. I want him found now. Not after breakfast, not after CSI, now. God, I'm so angry I could just throw a rock at that poster of David Cassidy. (METALLIC CLATTERING)

For the moment, there's no way out. No Way Out. Great film. Sean Young naked in the limo? Well, maybe the storm will let up soon. I don't know. It's a hard rain. Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman. "We just want the money." We should've known this weather was coming. There's been three days of thunder. Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets.

Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer. Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.

You wanted to see me? Yes, yes, come in. Close the door. Take a look at this, Brian. Recognize him, Brian? No. It's your brother. I found him for you, buddy. What? Jerry? That's amazing. Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry.

QUAGMIRE: No! (BREATHES DEEPLY)

That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago.

you're supposed to be over here. How did you get over there? Oh, yeah. Come on, Holly. Let's go. This guy's a freak. And that should do it. Now let's go home. Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth.

We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis. No! No! I reject the premise of this!

Where are you? I can't see anything! (SCREAMING) I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses. Chris, I'm blind. I'm sorry, Meg. (BAWLING)

It's not fair, Lois. If I don't get any airtime, how am I ever gonna get my own spin-off where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar... at the center of the earth? You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. Well, At these prices, I'm not surprised!

Good morning, class. Starting today, we have a new student. Peter, would you like to introduce yourself?

Cold got to be. (BOTH CHUCKLING) Shit. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna order me some cheap cognac and put it in a fancy glass. Boy, Jerome is the greatest! We really lucked out. I don't know, you guys. I'm not so sure about Jerome. I mean, how do we know we can really trust him? What are you talking about, Peter? Jerome's awesome.

What do you think you're doing, lad?

And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead. TOM: What happened to the girl? WOODS: I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah! Excuse me, Your Honor?

This guy's asking for it. But Dad... I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice. Ok. Go!

Is it possible she's a whore? Uh, you know, Just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? Uh, You know what? Let's just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire. I wish I knew what she was saying. I think I can help. Ah, Your wife and children are beautiful. It's so good to catch up, Ross. I'm glad I called.

Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie. Yeah, Matthew, that pizza pie was delicious. Hey, watch out, crazy driver. That joker must have been from Jefferson High. (ALL LAUGHING) They're our rivals.

It is! Go, Freedom Train! I've seen enough.

Ah! You look like one of those blind jazz guys. Where are you? I can't see anything! (SCREAMING) I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses. Chris, I'm blind. I'm sorry, Meg. (BAWLING)

It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off. Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad. No, Dad. (HEARTBEAT THUMPING)

Oh, by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my teacher gave you something to sign to get him kicked out.

Mr. Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here? Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze. This stupid country. Hello. Tom Tucker live at James Woods High School with this sensational breaking story.

(EVIL LAUGH) I'm watching you make stool.

I guess I don't have a photo of her. But trust me, she's cute. Well, let's go get her. I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos' ass back. Oh, yeah, right. Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell! I found the note! "Go back to the Mini-Mart"?

Like when Peter babysat for the neighbor's kid.

your... aSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Oh, I'll leave you to grieve. Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches? Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game.

Boy, I really appreciate you guys helpin' me out on this.

Gavin. That's a stupid name. And nobody likes you at school. I tried to stick up for you but I can't, because everybody hates you. You're gonna be ugly when you grow up. And everything in your house is cheap. And it smells in here.

I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window, he'd still be in that dump in quahog.

Come on, Brian. Come upstairs.

Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy.

And, since I am a man of God now, I am truly repentant. So, I invited you all here to make amends. And why the hell should we trust you? Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years. I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient.

Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house! I don't even want to be a part of this family anymorE! MEg! She'll be ok. Come on. We gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?

I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.

Where's he going? What's he doing? Get back here. There you go. Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.

Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage." Spread the word.

Ahh! And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask.

I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And There's nothing you can say that'll change my minD. EiTHer You kill them, or I kill you. Aw, Crap!

Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time. And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag. Thanks. And keep in mind, we can't use any actual brand names due to advertising concerns. Right, okay, I'll have a Mr. Whip-o Bar,

I like to yell at mice with my shirt off. (YELLING) Sometimes, I like to steal other people's scabs. (YELLING) How do I stay so crazy? Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it,

Cowards! What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds.

Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

Thanks for helping me set up this jungle gym, guys. Lois says Stewie's been getting a little chunky.

Everyone will think we're the bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. All right! I got a great idea! This" really scare them. Everybody set? - Check! - Check!

Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

Somebody should stop him.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING) There's one of them now. Take that for stealing jobs from hardworking people! (SCREAMING) Dad, what the hell are you doing? We got a message for you. "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it." Actually, Peter...

Don't do that thing here. Huh, wonder if I can pull off one of those can-you-believe-what-I have-to-put-up-with looks to the camera.

The Vatican has been holding this note for you for about 500 years. It was left to us by Leonardo da Vinci himself, with instructions that it be delivered to you on this exact date at this exact time. STEWIE: Dear Brian, it's been a week since you left,

Glenn, can I just... (REGULAR VOICE) No! You can't have it! Hey, guys. It's James' birthday tomorrow. Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah. And don't just put your name. Write something clever. God, I hate having to come up with something on the spot. Um... "Have a mice day. Best fishes. Peter."

Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.

A new-- A new world! A better world! A German world! Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Yeah!

Kicking, Lois? Ha! Hurts, doesn't it? You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass!

Look.

I feel like this is partially my fault. No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Anyway, I'd be happy to help you conduct a search of Quahog and find... What the hell? Where am I? I didn't just bite into a YORK peppermint patty, did I? Mayor West, you're in Russia. You've just launched a nuclear missile against the United States. Well, this day has taken a bad turn, like Mike Brady's first marriage.

And I've restocked our school library with books of some of our greatest movies and T.V. shows. Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on? Mr. Griffin, this is impressive. I've never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, That's what you voted for.

Someone stole Santa? That does not rock!

There's no moustache like my father's moustache That's the biggest moustache in town Play me off, Johnny. What else be funny tonight? Uh, Star Jones got married. That was in the news.

Meatloaf for us, and a very special, very delicious, steamed vegetable dish for Chris. Oh, I hate vegetables.

Aw. Somebody say something. Brian, wait! H-Hold on a second. Airport, please.

What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme! And I'm Major Awesome! We're here to tell you how much the army kicks ass! Check this out! (MAN READING)

Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita. She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her!

Shut up! All right, here it is.

Brian, would you-- Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs! Wait! Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite! Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now? Oh, Sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife? A-And look at you twO.

Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! All right! That's enough! I-- I mean, will you all excuse me, please? Stewie, did--did you unhook mommy's bra?

I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh. Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again.

HEy, Lois, what's with the sign? Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board. You never listen to me. Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire.

Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? Pre-op. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off! You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these strap hangers back where they Came from. Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

drove in through the morning fog Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat. Red-headed lady reaching for an apple

Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this, and stay away from my daughter forever! $1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Oh, Peter!

Change it to Fox News! It's time for Rhonda Latimer. (SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) Again, Peter?

I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug. What? I'm just glad to have you back on my side.

(BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING)

Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet. (LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands!

All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key. LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years. Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger. Here you go. Here's the key, Pete. Why is she calling me Pete?

It's Cleveland I'm worried about. Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything. Hey, look. It's President Nixon. No, wait, it's a black guy. No, it's Nixon. Oh, boy. That was close. Ugh! Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here. You're a worse parent than Britney Spears.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us

Hey, What are you doing in my locker? Your locker? Say, Phil. What do you say to happy hour after work? I'd say it looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbors. Come on. I'm buying. Oh, yeah!

Hey. Oh, my God. My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.

Try another, you say? Well, Aren't I the wicked one? Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting. Oh, And I suppose the bilious curds you force-fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then? Glen, would you mind holding Stewie? Heh, heh. Said and done. Well, Hey there, spud with the mud.

What, like, you think you have a shot with her? Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America. Sean, I don't know if that's true. You just contradicted me! You hate America! If I could just get a word in... You hate America! You like the terrorists!

Whoa! What do we have here? A fully formed beehive! Must have taken months to build that guy. Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS) (GROANING) Oh, God! (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

Come on, Luke, join the dark side. It's really cool.

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Deep in your smile There's a quiet soft desire Like the ember Of a once raging fire

(LAUGHING)

Hey, guys! Hitler! Hitler! How's it going, Mr. Hitler?

You know? Yeah. I mean, we have feelings. We're people. Right. It's like they all have the same mindset. It's all about sex, sex, sex. Yeah. And there's so much more to life than that. Twenty feet that way, please.

(CRYING) Damn it, Brian! Come back home, Brian. I tell you what. When this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of Cool Whip. There it is again. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? (SIGHS) That's exactly why I miss you, Brian. Forget it. I'm not going back as long as that new dog is there.

You're funny. Ah, Brian, please come in. Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything? Go to hell, Tom. Already there, hon. Yes, well, uh, Mr. Tucker, uh, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and, uh, Chris got blamed for it.

(CELL PHONE WHOOSHING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Aw, damn it! It's just a dolphin. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Sorry, did I get in the way of something? No, it's all right. We were just trying to get some of them sunken Mercedes. Oh, yeah, there's a great big pile of them down there.

but mostly, my mustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open, and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones. Ew! That's the ugliest thing the fat man's grown since that horse leg. Hey, Peter, have you seen my... Ah! Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying?

If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter. W-w-Wait! Before you go, what's Heaven like? Oh, It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs. Oh. Yeah. Take it easy, Peter.

Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you...

Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape, but in his defense, "Not a minor." Allen Iverson, picked up for marijuana possession and carrying a concealed weapon. And Darrell Armstrong faces a charge of battery against a female police officer. But Luke Walton's here and he's ready to play.

Nah, nah Family guy

Lucky there's a family guy

Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas!

Roll over. Roll over, I say!

"Wide load"? "Dough boy"? "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? How about "all of the above"? How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"

Dylan put this paper bag on my head and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get it off.

"Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you.

They have that sort of creme brulee face going on now, but he saved their lives. Oh, my God, Brian. I know, right? So noble. Plus he's the only one of my patients to never ask me for hand work. Such a gentleman. Never even tried anything when I'm giving him a sponge bath. And I'm very thorough. I will wash the abdominals.

Hey, Brian! Congratulations on your new play. Oh, thanks. What's wrong? You look awful. What happened? I read the play Stewie wrote. She writes plays now? Yes, and it was brilliant. Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life. It was insightful and fresh and intelligent. It's like his play is mocking me.

The bomb? The bomb that went off in Times Square? All those poor people, dead! Oh, my God! My cousin works in Times Square! Well, your cousin is fine, because I was acting! That's impressive!

(HUMMING TUNE) Lost in Space.

Great. Hey, can you hand me my cell phone? I gotta call my agent. She's probably worried sick about me. It was destroyed in the accident. Well, can I use yours? No reception up here. - Regular phone? - Lines are down. - Pay phone? - Road's closed. E-mail? Dial-up. Fax? Paper jam. Morse code? Obsolete. Brain-damaged bicycle courier? I'm not quite so sure I can find my way.

I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor.

Oh, Thank you. uh, This 12-pack of fungicide is for my daughter, Meg. Ahem. Help me. - He's funny. - That was great. Is it 1981?

DR. HARTMAN: The left side's getting lower than the right side.

Hey, what about these? Good choice. These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious.

Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush. - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad.

Your lips look a little dry. Why don't you wet them a little bit? (LAUGHING) My God, you're so weird! All right, I'll make you a clone, buddy. She's a beautiful little girl, Glenn. Have you given her a name yet?

What do we do?

Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion. No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible. You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids?

(EXCLAIMING) You know, this is why... Brian, you remember the last couple of weeks I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about. This evening is ru-ined.

- Hey, Biggs. - Yeah? You're just as big a part of this as... I mean, you're doing stuff, and I think that's great!

You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian. Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass?

The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. What the hell? Where am I?

Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this.

You've known him all along, Son. Now worship him! Oh, my God! Dad's right! There is only one person and it's time for him to be properly worshipped. I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish the First United Church of the Fonz. Fonzie, if this be your will, give me a sign. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!

You know, let's not have one of those kinds of lightsaber battles. Car. Car coming!

I have diabetes! Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh?

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery.

Don't dawdle, Jonas. Play your exercises. Brian, You're home early. What happened with your daTe? same thing that always happens. She was an idiot. Oh, Brain. Don't slow down, Jonas. Keep the rhythm. Brian, your standards are ridiculously high You'll never find a girl unless you're willing to make exceptions

Ah. Jeez, I just had the craziest dream where I bought a $100 million vasE. A Mr. Brandywine from the Historical Society is at the front gate. He'll be here in half an houR. That wasn't a dream, Peter. He's here for the money. Aw, Brian, I'm screwed. If I welsh on that debt, I'm gonna prove to everyone that I'm not good enough for Lois.

(SNIFFLING) But Brian, I... I don't wanna lose anybody! I don't... I don't wanna lose anybody! (CRYING)

I am going on a hunger strike. eh? How about that, Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience? Huh? You gonna eat that stapler? You can't eat a stapler-- Wanna split it?

Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial. But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot.

God, he's right. I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark. Rupert, I've been all talk. So much time wasted. Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman. I'll do to her what douche bags did to the guitar.

Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave. I got you now, mouse. Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, the greatest movie of all time. I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that? (OMINOUS MUSIC)

So, yeah. Thanks. I feel a lot better now. (SNIFFING) Smell's gone. Look, I hope this hasn't created any weirdness between us.

What if we made your place our new spot? Joe, that's a great idea. Fantastic. We'll see you tonight. This is awesome. Bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant? This is going to be cooler than that time Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself. But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller,

When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again. Well, if you really think it'll help. I sure do. Know what else will help? A little saxophone therapy.

I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch.

Now you funny, too.

But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.

Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING)

That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a... I can't do it. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

Good morning, everyone. Oh, crap, he's in love again. I know, I know. But this time it's for real.

London. Hey, Dad?

Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.

And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know? I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say, "Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger."

What, that's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here. You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right?

Boy. Do I know that feeling. Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not.

Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious. Total kitsch. Like an Andy Warhol wet dream. I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous. You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny? Talking about earrings, and using words like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet." What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes...

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in. I just wish I could have been there to hear the speech you made. You think you could give me a little taste? ANNOUNCER: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day,

What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.

Oh, that is so lame. Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she is a photographer.

Julie's my sister's co-star on Jolly Farm. Hi, Brian. Why don't you keep her company while I go fetch Karina? Just make sure you get her fast. Karina? Yes? You have a visitor. (AS KARINA) Who is it? (AS STEWIE) It's that nice girl, Julie, from your show. (AS KARINA) Oh, Julie! Did she say what she wanted? (AS STEWIE) Just go see for yourself, I'm not your secretary, Karina. (AS KARINA) Why are you so cruel to me?

(YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint. I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me.

(SOBBING) We broke up. Spread your tiny wings and fly away And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day

Who the fuck are these people? (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I called you in today because your son, Chris, has been getting in quite a bit of trouble lately. In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project. Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed. Well, someone should be. I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd. We've tried talking to Chris. We just don't know what else to do.

What time did you say your flight was? Oh, no locks. Thank you, Homeland Security. Hey, bud, take a break. I'll take over. Go smoke a fatty. Thanks. MAN ON RADIO: This is Sierra Tango 817, Matthew McConaughey's private jet, requesting permission to land.

We promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly. But I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt. Do you want to split a Toblerone? Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. Next stop, my thighs!

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?

So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. So you got-- You--you, uh, You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?

Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse? You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get them open. Who are they trying to keep out of these things?

And there's a lot of great people here. Why don't you mingle? Oh, my God, Lois, you single now?

You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die. You'll die if you do that.

Man, it really sucks they closed down The Clam. Yeah, but I mean, this is good, right? I mean, as long as we got a place to drink and a restroom for businessmen to have homosexual encounters.

Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Peter one, Jesus zero. You know, Jesus, if I go get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just want to stick this up her ass. All right, I'll be the one to say it. How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles?

You'll never know just how much I care Yeah! And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you

I think it's a person. Oh, my God, maybe they have food. Maybe it's a rescue team.

It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke. All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right.

What are you gonna do about it? What are you.... I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

Hey, Bitch Stewie. Why are there no midget accountants? Because they always come up short. (LAUGHING) Another good one, Stewie. I don't know where you come up with them. Isn't he wonderful? And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste. Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)

we could just do that. Shut up, Stewie. Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again? Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again. Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys! Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

(LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now! Well, I hate to say I told you so, but...

Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture. (WHOOPING) We love you, Justin! Look! That's Mom! Oh, my God! What the hell? She's at a Justin Bieber concert? Justin Bieber's so yesterday. I'm all about Quentin Vashay now.

Wait a minute! You saw the whole thing? Yes, indeed. (LAUGHING) Boy! Have I been having some fun at your expense, old man! How could you do that to me? Do you have any idea how upset I am about all this? I killed one of my own kind, Stewie. How would you feel if you killed a baby?

It's your tail. Stop wagging your tail. (WHISPERS) I can't help it. Do something. (GROANS) (GROANS) Oh, damn it. I meant hold it, not cut it off. You weren't specific. I've never done this before. Are you okay, Brian? Yeah, I'm just so happy to meet you both.

All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy... A guy who loses everything, but finds his soul in Canada. All right, we're cooking now.

Ok, look, We're just gonna have to go on without her. Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats.

Oh, come on! It'll be great. Listen, Glenn, I want us to be friends. I think we could be an even better team than Lewis and Clark and the guy who likes to rip up maps.

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther. Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus!

Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.

This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.

Oh, Chris, in a few minutes, you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man. I could make a foreskin joke right now, but this is a solemn occasion. And Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back. Oh, I got so many of them, too! I--I know. i know. shh. But later!

Thanks a lot for your help, boys.

It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt? Peter, It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck! Come on. Hey--hey. You want to hear some horror stories. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah!

Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold. in tonight's episode, the part of Brian the Dog will be played by Carter Banks. Here I am. Sorry I-- Camera 2. Sorry, I overslept. Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast?

(APPLAUSE)

It's over, Leonard. I suppose I should be grateful to that saucy harlot. She taught me a valuable lesson. There's really no such thing as love. It's just a puffed-up word, used by Madison Avenue to sell their skin creams and 2-seater cars. Oh, it's no use!

(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV

A lot of crazy shit went on last night. Well, we were both drunk. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right. We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend. I don't know what the phrase is. What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition.

You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years.

Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace.

Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time. Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on T.V.,

Your Earth's bitch. Morning, civilians. General Griffin reporting for breakfast. Dad, it's not fair. My money paid for that tank, and I haven't even got to drive it yet. Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

Then that time you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room. Ok, move the towel. Move the towel. Oh--oh--Oh! They spotted me. Peter, I think this'll be good for you. You know I love you,

Yeah, where are Mom and Dad? And where's that awesome finger painting Stewie did this morning? Oh! Here it is. Thank you for bringing it up. I wasn't going to bring it up.

All the evil energy went into him. Well, kill it. It almost choked me to death. I shall do no such thing, Brian. It must be studied. If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup. Evil Stewie, come with me. We're going to run a few tests on...

But, Brian, if you only had one class left, why don't you just go back and finish? Plenty of people do that. You know, Lois, that's not a bad idea. STEWIE: Well, this is boring. Let's go see what Meg is up to. (CRAWLING RAPIDLY)

I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go. Man, you guys should come with me sometime. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world. They do? Yeah, they're unbelievable. The girls up in Canada are gorgeous. And they all play ice hockey, so they lose their teeth by age 10. Wow.

and one day, Joseph and his friend Robby were hanging... CHRIS: A guy's name was Robby back then? The Bible is fuzzy on that.

God, I hate this freaking cat. Can you spare some change?

Uh, $1.7 mill, that area? Uh, Yeah. That's--that's-- That's right. You guys! Brian's famous! You're a hero! Way to go, pal! Oh, Come on. Stop it you guys. It's nothing, really. Oh, Lois. Your toast is ready. Wow. Oh, my. Meg's using a new conditioner.

Oh. Uh... Is everything all right? Yeah. Well, it's just... Would you mind tossing it up in the air for me? Well, I don't know... Lois, he is our guest. Toss it in the air. Uh, I'm used to a little applause, so...

(GASPS) Holy crap! Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn.

Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

Peter, thanks a lot for havin' us out on your boat. No problem. Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual don't mind comin' in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people.

How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open? And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away. We'll never get away with that! Oh, we just might. You see, I've got a lucky cat's foot.

Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem?

QUAGMIRE: Hey, kid, come here.

Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I got to figure you're in there. How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk. Peter, this all looks very expensive.

No! (SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!

Ahh! ow! Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first.

Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa. Lee writes, "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee. In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch.

Oh, God, is she gonna do me next?

Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries.

I shall present to you my fanny. Sir Chadwell Heath. (LAUGHING) Oh, darn it. Hey, wait a second. Where are we? Oh, no! Hey, Chris, do you know your bacne spells "Citibank" in Braille?

you're dead! All right, All right. calm down, Cleveland. I'm gonna kill Quagmire!

You know, Michael, my daughter's womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed. Neither is her lower back or her hair. I understand. Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see.

Wow, These guys sure know how to run a company. Look how happy those morons are. They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes. Good boy, Connor.

That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV. I'll just make my own sitcom in my head. And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme. This time around I'm staying at home And things are gonna get better Settling in, loving my wife

I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin. That's very thoughtful. Can I spray some on you? Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris! Oh, I'm so awkward!

(LASER GUNS FIRING) (GROANS)

Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise? Aw, jEEz, I wasn't supposed to send those? Hey, Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first 4 years of your life, "I thought you were a housecat."

Okay. Well, he was on Growing Pains. I can't believe it. Everybody's gone. Well, people like that are always looking for the next voice to tell them what to do.

(SCREAMING)

Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger. Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay...

(WINCING) (GROANING) (CARS HONKING) So I said to him, "Brown liquor before Labor Day?

Thanks for everything, Monkey. You made me realize how much Chris really means to me. And how I should always remember not to take him for granted. Well, sometimes all anybody needs is a little bit of a wake-up call. And now that you two are getting along again, my work here is done. Guess I'll be moving on now. You have to leave?

(BOAT WHISTLE BLOWING) (OCEAN WAVES CRASHING) (MAN CHATTERING) That's right, Weenie, we've been on the air here at Quahog Gay Pride Day for three straight hours now and I am exhausted. MAN 1: Worn out Butt. MAN 2: Ouch. Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas!

I wonder what came over uS? Maybe people are just naturally violent. I don't believe that. I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence. Yeah. T.V. is dangerous. Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air!

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha! Very well. But I am not really your father, Ha ha! ah!

Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing. Peter, you did a really nice thing helping Billy get back together with his wife. Yeah, and the best part is he's out of the house and back in the ocean. I guess everything worked out for everybody. Arr! 'Tis a mighty haul!

Could you have accommodated an owl?

Quagmire, don't you see it? See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing. You're jealous! Huh? Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero.

LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive club called "anybody." Yeah. No, no, no, I don't think so. You know... You know, I would rather take two live chickens than your fly-by-night credit card. I would rather take a jar of pennies thats value was less than that of your bill. - Look, you don't have to insult me. - No, no, no.

Go fuck yourself. What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill, but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark. I'm right back where I started. Well, sounds like we need another loan shark. Don't worry, Joe, we're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money.

uh, What is all this stuff? Oh, Peter, I have been waiting for this moment for 25 years! I haven't washed my hand since you last touched it. Oh, my God! That's disgusting!

My son got into DeVry. Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything?

Well, I know the people will support you, Lois, because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us! And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing?

Ok, let's go over the commands. Uh, Sit. Good. Uh, Roll over.

Hey, Quagmire, you gonna write something funny? No, Peter, I'm not. I'm starting to think all you do is dick around. Sorry.

Kahn! Kahn! Well, There's my cab. It was nice meeting all of you. Aw, Thanks for everything, buddy. Wait, Mr. Weinstein, I thought you were gonna help me with my homework. I'm sorry, son. I have to go. But I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone. Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white.

What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic. (SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?

You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind. But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it. (SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

taking credit for something a smart Jewish person did. Oh, That's ok, Peter. No, no, No. People have been doing that for too damn long. it is the white devil that has propagated exacerbated, instigated, instigated...

Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w--

Come on, get up! Knock off your napping It's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen There's a chair that freakin' talks! Hey look! There's some fish that give advice Holy crap! It's screwy In Peter's Playhouse Peter--

Give me the damn phone! Hey! Stop it. And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me, if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day?

Aw, jeez, Look, it's not you. It's Lois. She doesn't want me hanging around with you. Really? Yeah. Y-You're not just saying that? No, No. It's all Lois. If only I'd met you first, but, hey, what are you gonna do? So Lois is the problem, huh? Yeah. But it's not her fault. She doesn't want to see me fall in with a tough crowd again.

(GRUNTS IN PAIN) Oh, my God, Stewie, are you all right?

Oh, my God. That does look like Peter's handwriting. (GASPING) There's no doubt anymore. Peter murdered his wife.

'Cause I couldn't stand to be away from you for another moment. I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married. Therefore, there's only one thing to do. Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger... and bigger and then pops?

What else haven't you told me? I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know. A pestilence here and a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that, hmm. Yes. We all enjoy the Bible in this house. Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible? Um, uh...

Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.

Nothing about this adds up at all!

Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him, because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb, so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died. That's the way I want to go.

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

don't you forget about me don't, don't, don't, don't don't you forget about me

- MAN 1: Meet Dave. - Seen it. - MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction. - Seen it. - MAN 3: Donovan's Reef. - Seen it. MAN 4: License to Drive. Definitely seen it. That's a shame What a shame Who's to blame? For Corey Haim His name is Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E You must refuse

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) Well, thanks to no gravity in space my spine stretched, and I am now a confident 6'3", so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman. Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to.

Tom? Thanks, Diane. in other news, I won't be going to the play, because I'm sure it Will be lousy. Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? But Loretta's playing Anna,

It's no wonder she's trying to prove she's young and vibrant. (ON TV) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. The city of Quahog has been stricken with a case of Bieber Fever tonight, as teen idol and fake black guy, Justin Bieber, is in town for a sold-out show at the Quahog Civic Center. We now go live to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa with more. Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center,

My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? Wes. They must really want to keep her. Your second wish?

You'd better not have ruined my race dog! Brian, I am very disappointed in you! I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend.

Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid! (RETCHING) (CRYING)

I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh!

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah?

So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What? Peter, that's not what this is about. See how you like them! Here, I'll even get you started. (COUGHS) Dad, I don't smoke.

Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk. Wait a second.

Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way.

You know, guys, this is a real opportunity to promote quality programming. I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.

People! People! Stop this craziness! The critic from the Providence Journal is here. If he gives us a good review, the doors are gonna fly open! Now, go get 'em, my little sillybillies!

I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat. If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny. System off. Splendid.

Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful. Look at Gregory Peck's kids. Are we there yet? It's crowded back here.

A cool name to say with a French accent is Ashton Kutcher. Bye! Thanks! (DIALING) Hey, it's me. I've got some fresh arrivals for you.

(SIGHS) Hey, Horace, why don't you take that wiener out of your hand and get me a beer. Don't talk to me that way, you son of a bitch!

Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.

I've been looking all over for you. Why? You want to humiliate me with more slave work? No, I wanted to apologize. I should've never blackmailed you. I'm really sorry. And I want you to come home. I thought you said no one would miss me? I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean, Chris.

See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material! What's this? Bedpan? Peter Pan. Next stop is Neverland. Come, Wendy, fly with me. (BEEPING)

Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story.

You said The shots were supposed to make me healthy!

(BARKING)

I'm here for the boy. Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me?

- Great job getting hot, Meg. - Gee, thanks. - Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it. Hey, Meg. We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out. That makes you cool. Wanna hang out with us?

Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.

Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood. Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids to witness the plight of the Rebellion. Kids, you noticing all this plight? Roll 'em up!

Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH) I remember that. I heard it from that guy. Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

Sitting there with her--her curly ebony locks, and those pouty, come-hither lipS. My God, she's unappealing! Go! Who said that? Hmm?

What's next? A workout followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... (IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop? Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something. When you're in the shower at the "Y," is-is that just like Supermarket Sweep for you guys, or is there some kind of etiquette? Peter, stop it.

That's my JoE! What the deuce? Half man, half machinE. Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans! Go, cyborg! It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders!

Ok, now I'm pissed.

Nope. Sorry, Chris. She said she's going straight from the spa right back to Europe. But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping. All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

Thanks, man. Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years. What? Did you really think I was gonna change that much? Good night, everybody!

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky. Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V. if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm.

(BOTH GASP) Oh, my God! Meg's dating a convict! Looks like Consuela's son is in prison. I see you soon, Rodrigo. (AGREES IN SPANISH)

God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.

I may have made out with Meg. Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.

You're Tom Brady from the New England Patriots! Oh, man, I got to tell you, you kick ass, man. In fact, I was just saying that the other day to all the guys down at the brewery. Brewery? I thought you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire. He's a fake! Look, this cowboy hat comes right off.

Oh! What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on. Come on, ref. That's charging. Your feet were moving. No foul. No foul? Aw, That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.

What am I supposed to do? Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself. Do I... Do I stick the money directly inside of her?

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner? You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/weird face contest. It can't be done. Well, I've got good news. I'm gonna be the church's new organist. Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great. That means you'll play the organ.

Hey Lois, you want to go out? What? We-- I don't know, Glen. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time. eh. How about now?

And now prepare to... (GROANS) We have a jail cell. I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell." But they always say, "Just chain 'em up to a pipe." Idiots.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING)

I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know. Oh, I "sandbagged" you? In front of all of our friends. Yeah, you sandbagged me. I "sandbagged" you?

It's like girls are a different species or something. Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Well, sure. Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.

And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed

Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration. So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal!

- Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream. What is this stuff? It's some kind of nuclear waste. Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size!

Ugh. There's not one shirt I wish I had out there.

Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases.

Hey, hey, this song made me think of you, so, wait, listen to this song. (STATIC BUZZING) Isn't that awesome? JOE: You said you weren't gonna call him. QUAGMIRE: It's not him, you big bully. Joe told me not to call you. So what... So what are you doing? (SIGHS)

Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! I don't like to be touched! duh! Ahh!

That's hilarious. Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and...

- There they are. - Hi, Mom. Hi, Grandma! Grandma! I missed you. So has the morgue. (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) The morgue, Paul, 'cause she's old! That's right, yeah, the morgue!

Peter, it's 7:00 in the morning! Thanks for the update, Big Ben! You're drunk again! No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking. Listen, Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible's gonna happen. Yeah, Something terrible all the way to the bank! Nice. Ugh, I don't have time for this.

They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want! (CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart."

My God! Is that Meg? 36-D, Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this universe, she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, your penis would shoot right off your body.

Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free. (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire. Hey, let's have a drink with them. You've never touched a drop, Peter.

(GRUNTS) You guys, I found him! He went that way! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS)

Ho-ho! You pat my back, I pat yours, and Pat Robertson pats Mr. Happy. (EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes! Praise Jesus with your Visa card. Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters. Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I... My wife is dead.

Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Uh--uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.

sh-Should have sent a poet. There's enough food to last us forever! Peter, we're saved! You were right. We can settle down here and build a house, just like we had in quahog. Yeah! And We can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out! And 2 Denny's, so we can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one."

(DEMON LAUGHING) (THUDS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHING) STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

What the hell? Dang it, I got a nosebleed. No, you don't.

Really? Well, how many library assistants did they pick? One of four. Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it. Ice cream for Dylan tonight.

That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys. Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all! Peter, what are you doing? If movies and TV have taught me anything, it's that young people today are constantly being antagonized - by preppy '80s bullies. What? What are you gonna do about it, new kid?

my beautiful princess. You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

(WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on?

Oh, my God. We're all gonna die! That's not true.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass!

Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet. You'll never guess who it was. James Woods? WOODS: Hello, stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home. Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here.

Um, Movin' on. So, uh, I finally tried Viagra and-- Oh, We got a joker in the audience there. You, uh, You got something you want to say, there, Mr. Heckler? Dying hurts. Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flyin'?

- Well, Dave's allergic. - Dave!

as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog Mall this weekend to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps kids clothing store.

Hiya, Brian. All right, Peter, now I know your head is still a blank slate, but you gotta listen to me when I say... Wait. Did you just call me "Brian"? Yeah. You've got your memory back? Uh-huh. Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store.

Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah, Ah, ah!

No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree? A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?

and I've been in this wheelchair ever since. I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.

(FARTING)

So, how do I look in my new glasses? Hmm, How shall I put this? In an attic somewhere there's a portrait of you getting prettier. Wow, someone needs a nap. After lunch it's straight to bed, Stewie. This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated.

My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once." My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" We didn't measure! We dIdN't measure!

'cause I'm telling you toad is what Lando forbids Gotta give it all up or you're gonna see your whole life will hit the skids and your kids will be born without eyelids Gotta give it up

Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas.

Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop.

Oh, my God, yes. Yes. Yes. Okay, Bravo people, go find women fighting. No, you know what, just find women. They'll end up fighting. All right, everyone who's left, make a talent show. We are done. Oh. Kelsey Grammer, what are you still doing here? I have nothing left for you. I'm sorry. Ah! Then I shall take my ease on the Lanai.

You talk to Matt Lauer lately? Mm-hmm. Played 18 holes with him on Saturday. Told him he was soft in the Arafat interview. Oh, I like Matt. - Me, too. - Huh. My purse!

Lois, what you reading? The Red Badge of Courage. I sure wish I could meet a brave fellow like the guy in this book. - I'm a brave guy, Lois. - Oh, yeah? I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death!

or one man's cry for help? What are you talking about? I wanted her freakin' money. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Ok, let's go over the commands. Uh, Sit. Good. Uh, Roll over. Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here.

I'm still not sure. Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold. PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

Awesome.

I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me. Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch? Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing. Already paid for the meals. And if I want to return this sweater, we've got to get to Wyndham's by half 6:00. Half 6:00? Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund. I love it, but I feel like it was too much. Cute, right? It's Thom Browne. It was over $3,000.

(COCKS GUN) Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire. Nobody wants to hurt you. Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that.

Each residence has 200 feet of pristine oceanfront. No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution. Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations. Aw, That's so cute.

Oh, This is interminable! I demand to know why you insist on taking me everywhere you go! I mean, Really! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself?

Hi. Peter Griffin. So, Where do you want to go? We can go Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in there anymore. Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello. Peter, congratulations on taking down that monster, Dr. Hartman. Yeah, what'd you do with your pain and suffering money?

What is our infant son doing up on the roof? STEWIE: There's a raccoon up here.

Yeah, you can sign my ass book. Is what would've been awesome to say. Oh, no. It's a multiracial TV gang, including white guys. Well, well, what do we got here? Let's beat him up, but not because of his color, 'cause that doesn't matter to us.

Enough of that. Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now.

Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

Hey, boss, it's me. I just spotted those two idiots who borrowed all that money. Yeah, well, now they're strutting around in flashy suits. Don't worry. I'll get that money back no matter what, and for sure I'm not gonna stop first and get some crepes in the lobby. (WHISPERING) Where can I get some crepes? (WHISPERING) Oh, I think they stop serving those at 10:00.

Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak.

aah!

Is there something on my elbow or... First, me first, me first.

never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence?

Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert. Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no T.V.? So He failed a class,

I love you, Nicole, but I must confess

Hey, now that's a good idea, Joe.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! go! Ah!

This isn't about you as a cop. This is about you as a man. Come on, what do you say? Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice. (CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit? All right, let's do it!

Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"? I say, Janet, do you like this couch?

This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat. Joanie, it's me. Oh, hey! You know, I had such a great time with you last night. Listen, there's something I have to tell you. I just got back from the doctor. I have herpes. I think you should get yourself checked out. Oh, my God. - Will you stay? - What?

Oh, Glenn, you're so sweet. Oh! Something poked me. It's okay, it's okay. It's just my penis. PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. BRIAN: What? It's a line from Die Hard.

Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect! Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right?

I want to see who's got bigger pecs.

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

Lois, what are you doing here? I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott. Really? You're not still upset about my leaving? Peter, there's nothing I'd want more than to have you back, but your place is in Scott now.

Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING) (PANTING) Are you okay? Yeah. I was so scared.

Cowards! What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds.

That's right. Get it nice and clean.

This collar comes right off. He's a filthy Jew! Oh, boy. You, you are... You should be glad your human resources person was not around to hear that.

Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.

Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!

(GUNSHOT) That's for shooting one of our guys! (ALL CHEERING) MAN 1: We got you! MAN 2: In your face! - MAN 3: Our boat! - MAN 4: Our boat! MAN 5: This boat!

Brian, I know this is gonna sound petty in light of the fact that we just actually ate the flesh of another human being, but Meg ate a lot. Oh, God, Peter. I hope Ben would forgive us for what we did. Look, we needed to eat, the same way birds need to fly. What do you mean, you don't have our names on there? My wife and I absolutely have to be on this flight.

Oh, please, Brian. If I was fat, could I do this with a Hula-Hoop? (GRUNTING) No. No, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat.

Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

(HISSING) Wanna have sex? (GASPS)

I don't know. Of course, your sunburn was pretty bad. I suppose it could be the C word. What the hell does that have to do with anything? No. Cancer. Oh... Okay, I thought you meant... It's not important. Oh, no. Cancer.

and the bartender says a grasshopper, so the guy orders a grasshopper. Then he's walking home and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says, "You mean, there's a drink named Irving?"

Bitch, I thought I said just shut up and be looking fine. What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts? Well, since Lois is the mayor, I'm allowed to reroute all the town's electricity. - What'd you do that for? - So I could reanimate the corpse of Jim Varney. Howdy, Vern.

Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light? Yeah, like, six years ago. And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Yeah, I think he'd be right, too. The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine, but who has never actually shined. Not one single time! Well, I think he'd be... I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind. All right, well, we got to go. Hey.

THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!

Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever.

(SCREAMING) My mustache! No!

Go for a ride in the car? Blast! Ooh! A penny! Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids.

I don't know. I think I might have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned my daughter. Why did I give away my only daughter? (SOBBING) Oh, God!

Watch the sidewalk.

What the... What happened?

I'm not ashamed. Abortion. A ha! So she's the murderer! Come on, kids. Bedtime. Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night.

Chris!

Wow. Thanks, Rush. It was nothing. I mean, you'd have done the same thing for me. Uh, yeah, of course. Hey, you dropped something. You think you might give it a read now? Uh, well... What if I stick a piece of baloney in the book and I don't tell you which page?

He wants fat? I'll show him fat. The only reason I'm eating anyway is because of him. He won't touch me. Do you think I'm fat? Only if you think I'm a serial killer. - What? - Nothing.

What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!

Evening, everyone. I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings. - Would you like to join me, Peter? - Well, we are kind of partying here. Good, hold this up. Now, here is a fellow attempting to ride a bicycle, but he is having some trouble, isn't he?

Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

Well, that's just not practical. Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Okay, I got one. (HUMMING TUNE) I have no idea. Linda Evans and John Forsythe They're coming down big, long stairs Come on, Brian, you know this We're all rich

You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.

Oh! I got a live one! Peter GriffIN. Ooh. Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. Oh, And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.

It was on Alderaan. That's how long ago it was. Are those guys getting away? We should probably get those guys. Those other guys will get them. So, what else? This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past that blockade. This bucket's got a few surprises left in her.

(GRUNTS) Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.

There you go. There you go. Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest. Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.

- We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic.

Oh, my. Tomatoes are $3.99 a pound. That's so high. Isn't that high? It seems so high.

Well, my name is Winston, and I'm quite fond of ballet. One time, I tried out for Little League in my ballet shoes, and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? - How old were you? - Eight. Ah! Too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants.

Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury. Oh, Rupert, please live. Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away. We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be.

my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down.

Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass. The end.

Yay, I helped.

I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people...

And you know what you are, Brian? - You're a busted leg. - What? Are you firing me? Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture. What the hell are you guys doing? You're not leaving this room until you agree to stop this modeling thing... once and for all. This isn't gonna work, you guys.

All right, tooth whore, do your worst. (ALARM RINGING) A-ha! Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here. No way, man! How do I know you're not the tooth fairy in disguise? Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough. You think my girlfriend's a moron. So does everyone. You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet. Okay.

Dr. Hartman, what're you... You're not dressed for surgery. I sure am. But I... I don't understand. Well, you see, Mrs. Griffin, I found another donor for your husband. You did? Who? Me. What? It turns out I'm a perfect match.

I have always wanted to do this. Oh, Here are the marsupials. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.

Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter! What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him.

Aw, Anything for you, sweetheart. Well, I'm off to popularity! Ciao. God, I hate that manly walk of hers. Going to take you apart I'll put us back together at heart, baby don't you

(URINATING)

(JUICY FRUIT THEME PLAYING) Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit

What did you do? I killed him, Brian.

Football!

All right, Chewie, punch it! Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this. Who was in charge of the tractor beam? That was me. Oh, yeah? Well... You have failed me for the last time.

Ow! Don't throw stuff at me, Joe! Peter, shoot him! Oh, yeah. Right. My God! Isn't it amazing that that's what we all look like on the inside? It's a robot, you idiot. Who are you? I'm Salty.

Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it!

What the hell?

This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat.

'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day

No! Whoa!

About 2 hours from Cape Cod's most luxurious bed and breakfast.

Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.

I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of...intercourse

You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse? Come on, get up!

Go ahead. Try it on. Didn't you see The Godfather? A don can't refuse a favor on the day of his daughter's wedding. So? So we can ask him for a favor. So? So we ask him to call off the hit. So? So... Peter, I don't know how to explain it any clearer than that.

- I'm a brave guy, Lois. - Oh, yeah? I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death! Watch me. DEATH: Thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in!

Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway... and find a nice quiet field to do long division in? I mean, a nice quiet field in which to do long division. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. Okay, I'm on my way. He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous.

I got to get out of here! Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this. Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. Chris, you're wanted on the phone. Everything's gonna be all right. (STEWIE SCREAMING)

Except for that time Moby-Dick stayed with us. Do you have any Raisin Bran? Uh, oh, no, sorry. (SIGHS) Well, can you go get me some? Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... (STUTTERING) We do have... We got Total, and we got some raisins. I mean, you could, like, mix those together. I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran.

Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba-ba-ba-ba- Baby! Ah, What's the use? You're right.

Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar! Run! Be free! They will enslave you!

Because you're the toughest woman I've ever met. And if there was a hall of fame for hearts, yours would be the biggest one in the whole damn building! QUAGMIRE: Peter, you're in the wrong corner! Ah. All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good. (BELL DINGS) Damn it! (CROWD BOOING) Shut up!

Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face!

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

You know, where the woman wakes up in the hospital, and all the doctors are pigs? - Yeah. - I like that one. But what the hell is going on here? You know, I think I have a theory. It's possible that when we went back in time, we somehow altered the past. Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies.

Come on, kids. Bedtime. Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night.

How's your friend search going? (SIGHING) Not great, Lois. What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland. We've been meeting people for the past three days. Well, you don't need to look for somebody new. I'll hang out with you guys. Yeah. You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing. What Quagmire thing?

I get to go, right? Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do? Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever. You know, When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything.

Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year. Congratulations on 2nd place, Lois.

Why is there no hole in this wall?

Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire? Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business. Husband? Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight.

Well, you can't fight City Hall. Oh, we'll see about that! City Hall knows karate.

(HORN HONKING)

- Dude, put your pants on. - Shut up. Well, I really like all the guys. But some of them seem a little too competitive. I got to tell you. I don't know what she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I think he's just here because he's a minority.

And help he did. Thanks to the clam's leadership, quahog became a great and prosperous settlement. But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured. I mEan, I know he's an Indian.

Ha-ha-ha-ha Ohh

Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine. All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C. (CRACKLING) Quick! Get us out of here! (T-REX ROARING)

This is the worst day of my life. Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days.

Wait, wait! There's got to be a better way to settle this! Talent show? Talent show. "Hear ye. Hear ye. This talent competition "will decide rightful possession of the good Lady Redbush "and control of the colony of Quahog."

Crimony. (FARTING CONTINUES) (SPLASHES) Ah! Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren.

Kimble was a hands-on director who frequently appeared in his own shows, most recently, Miss Saigon. a la la la la, Miss Saigon La la la la la, Miss Saigon Yes, I just heard. It's so sad.

I can't see! Just relax. You have hibernation sickness, but your eyesight will return in time. Where am I? Jabba's palace. Who are you? Someone who loves you. Whoa! You are smothering me, and I need my space.

You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you. I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done.

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census. Okay, and how many people live in your palace? Umm. Does the bird count? Does the bird live here?

...we have a responsibility to use these powers properly... ...and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand? Wes. Yep. MEG: Yes. PETER: Got it. I forgot the detergent. Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am.

but, um... You know, i--I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway. I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson. Whatever he gets is too good for him.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING)

Let's see. I got 10% off a Netflix membership,

Like this? Yeah. Now add a little turn and do a buck and wing. Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing. Jeez, Mr. Fargas, what happened to you? Somebody give you a fun-ectomy?

Oh, Ho, Ho. Look who's here. B-But, Lois, we-- We--we still get to do it, right? Honey, not in front of Stewie. Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it!

Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand. (GASPING) What the hell is this? This isn't our universe. Apparently, this is a universe where everyone has two heads. One happy, one sad.

May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife.

You wish I loved you that much! We're never gonna get this float done in time for the parade. Pick up the pace, guys! Peter, your theme is a dud. Yeah. I've never even seen Who's the Boss? Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00, and home by 11:00. Oh! But I can't do it without you guys,

That's for giving me a book last Christmas. You're rich, you jerk. Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party. What's wrong? Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois? On the catwalk?

I suppose there is one thing I can do to raise the school's test average. Then do it! All right. We'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled. But if I leave now, I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school.

(SCREAMING) My mustache! No!

Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas.

(COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen.

Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush. Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.

Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie. What do you want? I just want to talk to you about everything that happened. Um... You know, you were the only person who believed in me when I was down. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was.

Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book.

Well, as I said, Peter just promised that I... Yeah, I should stop you there. I didn't really promise anything. I just said, "Maybe, if it was okay with Lois." Boy, it seems like a real burden to me. Well, this is pretty awkward.

Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick. Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy. Look at that imaginary wife of his. Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch?

All right, guys, all we got to do now is keep a low profile and not mention a word of this to anybody. Not even the police. That's right, not a word to anyone. Nobody. Lips are sealed. Ooh! I want to tell somebody. Peter! You shut your mouth! Hey, Mort, I was really sorry to hear about the pharmacy.

Crap! Don't hit it to Joe. Please don't hit it to Joe! Please don't hit it to Joe! Ah. You're out! Whoa! All right, Joe! Way to earn that parking spacE! All right! JOe! Did you see that? That's my JoE!

Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word Peter, I kind of want to do this on my own.

thanks for coming by tonight and hanging out with us. You may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man. Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast. Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy?

(Lois) Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you!

"Okay, you cleaned my pipes, now get to work on that sink." (BOTH LAUGHING) And there's Bill Gates! Is there some joke area of a beaver eating a woodpecker? Is that something? Would that work? And there's Warren Buffett. So, the gym teacher says, "How'd you get the two black eyes?"

consecrated before God Almighty. Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers. Abe, shut up!

Though they tried to defeat me they can all just freakin' eat me

Chris, you check the basement with Herbert. Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie. No, she can't. Yeah, she can't. We were gonna use this time to figure out what to get you for your birthday. Ooh, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go. You... Ooh. Now I'm excited. Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl.

Gently tied to each of their delicate legs is a parade theme suggested by ordinary citizens of Quahog. And here to pick this year's winning theme is Ten Commandments star, Charlton Heston. Let my pigeons Go! He nailed one! We have our theme!

Did somebody order sausage? (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? Knock it off. We brought you some wine, but it's best chilled before dinner. (EXCLAIMS) That is so nice of you. Yeah, let's put it on ice.

Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

Huh. That was easy.

Meg, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him. He's down by the old town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you.

I have the power! Brooke, what are you doing here? Oh, I just can't take it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me.

You know what, screw it. I say we just cut our losses and fly home. Yeah, I'm not so sure about that. What? Why?

MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer.

I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing.

(SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece. - He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me. - Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it.

It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at?

What do you do for a living? I work in accounts receivable at Quahog Insurance. It's not too demanding, the pay is good, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Well, we should wrap this up. You're getting wet. Well, I'm living life before the cancer I have kills me, so I don't mind the rain. Water feels good on my skin. It's cool, refreshing, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Oh, let me light that for you, babe.

That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it! Who else? (ALL LAUGHING) Loving... Loving family.

Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool-knit caps are tight Where the wool-knit caps are tight And the guys in hooded sweatshirts Have forgotten that they're white Take me out to pLace tonight Take me out to pLace tonight Where a dude can pick a fight

Why don't you, uh, give it a shot? Ok, here goes. Oh, my god! Aah! What have I done? Oh, You're awful.

No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!

Lady Redbush, I wish I was here on a happier errand, but I'm afraid I must inform you that Griffin Peterson is dead. (GASPS) What? Now that some time has passed, do you want to go out?

Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow!

A winner! Congratulations, son.

I bet you can't get a boner. That's not very nice, Brian. "Neither is your mother's ass." Neither is your mother's ass. (SIGHING) Well, I'll give you that one. Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome. I've always thought you were handsome. Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie.

I used to do a bit about him back when I was doing stand up. What else is in the news? Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz, you hear about this? This guy Bernie Goetz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him with me next time I go see my mother-in-law. No, but really, New York City's a great place to live, if you're a cockroach. MAN: You suck! I know.

I, too, shall be un-born.

It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!

Of course! My love for SpaghettiOs and smoking on the toilet. It all makes sense. Ew!

HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new. This is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. Thank you, Daddy!

It appears the lump in your breast is not black gross boob death. Breast cancer? That's the layman's term, yes.

It's coming.

and I want to be fresh! Yeah, the person I'm attracted to is your brother. Brother? Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care. I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us. But what would I tell him is going on with us?

But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin. Francis.

What's your point, Brian? My point is that maybe I should go to the local state college and take some agriculture courses. With the proper training, maybe I can actually learn something that will save this farm. Wow, Brian, that's a great idea. And, hey, maybe I could give the speech at your graduation. I'm really good at that. And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope,

(SLURPING STOPS) Oh! All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay? (PANTS)

MAN ON TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks. I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet?

just because it was with a man. Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men. Like that time at the movieS? uh, i--i--i--i--i, oh, this is-- Uh, My, this is terribly awkward. But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something.

Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened?

And I have no intention of giving that up. Who wants a half and half? I'll throw my hat into that ring. Wait a minute, Dad. I think maybe I should go with her. What? Dylan, why?

Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club. You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. I got A carton of cigarettes. old man grabbed me, said, "Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're grrreat!" Bastard. Hey, LandO.

You're right! There's only one way out of this! Chris is all better! I cured him! You cured him? That's right. I have divine powers! Ok. Safe drive. Well, What do you have to say to that? I'm not going to jail, Chris doesn't have to die, and best of all, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air.

And it's all 'cause of you guys. You know what? You guys, with your marching, and your letters, and your phone calls... This--This is all thanks to you. You--You made this happen, you guys. You know... My God. Give yourselves a round of applause. Come on. You deserve it. You deserve it. Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh?

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.

Look, I know everyone's in a hurry, but shouldn't we at least go over the evidence once before we vote, just to be fair? You know what would shed some light on the case? If we huck water balloons at people in the street. They were carrying a trampoline. Here's the facts.

"I'm gonna go play down in the basement. "Here I go." (HUMMING) What? Why, Rupert? Why do you want to play in the basement? "I don't know, I just feel like there might be some fun stuff down there." I'm not following your logic. And why are you talking different than usual? "Here I go." Rupert, get back here.

GIRL: Ball, please. Hello. Oh, this must be yours. Thanks. My God, she's incredible.

Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister. Oh, my God, Lois.

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud.

That man was Glenn Quagmire. And two short months later, this is what happened to Joan Van Ark. (GASPS) Oh! Oh, my God! I don't want this to happen to you, Meg. I don't want you to turn into a hilarious photograph. Dad, I know what you're trying to do, and I want you to stop it. Mom! What is it, Meg? Mom, tell Dad to leave me alone.

"...and Meg dates a prison escapee"!

Hi, little fellA. Is Meg Griffin here? No, she's not. Probably out scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're placing this baby in a foster home. What? For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home!

- Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)

Hey, New Brian. You have a guitar! Yep. In fact, I wrote a new song today. And I want to hear what you think of it. Where did you find the time for that? Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.

Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you. I don't want to! (GRUMBLING) Peter, what's with all the eggs?

oh, Peter. Just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine. How do you know that? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us.

I can't believe we're going to the theater the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle. I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads?

So it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas!

Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard! What the hell is going on out herE? Um... AcTually, I, uh, I, uH... Actually, hE--He wanted to ask you something. Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee? Sure. I get off at 2:00.

Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here! (GASPS) Oh, my God! I know, about the water, right? Wow, cool. Hey, Chris, come here. What? Why? Just come here. What is it, Dad?

and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" and he left that very night, and all you cared about was ice cream on the way home.

What a great day for Joe and Bonnie. This is Kevin's first birthday since he came home from Iraq.

I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute! I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God. Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke!

That's it? That was sex?

Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. There you are!

Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air. Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me.

Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day.

Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater?

And--and--and--And he told me, "You don't have to understand it.

NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn. Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century ecumenical body... "that marked a major turning point for Christianity in Europe." I think that was the Council of Trent.

Yeah, you're right. Ok, I'll tell her tonight.

Oh, thanks, you're nice. I screwed that up. Muriel? Oh, yeah, like she's going to answer you, Tom. And here we go with the attitude. This is why you're single. Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid?

All right, you can do this, Brian. Come on, pray with me. Dear Lord, just stay out of our way. Okay, good luck. And go!

You filthy, stinky prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.

Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. (FARTS) I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, but I know where it should be. Around here the town drunk is a person of great honor.

Oh, boy. You, you are... You should be glad your human resources person was not around to hear that. Run!

Oh, Lois, thank God it's you! The last 3 houses I went to were very rude.

Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... Give me the damn phone! Hey! Stop it. And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund?

But at what cost? At what cost? Peter, have you seen Brian? (MUFFLED) No, Lois, I have not. Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before?

No, I'm just kidding. We have some business to take care of, though. I'm sorry I pulled y'alls legs.

Aah! Oh, God! Oh, god! Aah! Ow! What are the odds? Aah!

What're you doing up there? Fucking your girlfriend. What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm stuck.

Right On the money. Isn't he brilliant? No! He's not brilliant! Rogers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes! We sold out! Yeah. The whole town's talking about your show, Dad! Your show? Peter, this is my show!

For the last time, I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him. Here. Right-- Right this way. Watch your step. Ok, they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something.

But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter.

(SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING)

Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too. But you're makin' a scene. All our friends are here.

Oh, My goodness, it's A... another sword. Thank you, Peter. Go ahead. Try it on.

(MACHINE BEEPING) (WHIRRING) Excuse me, Mr. Cobain? Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything. But you did!

Mamma mia! What is this? Leonardo da Vinci, I presume. Who are you, little lisping baby? Your assassin, you overrated caricaturist! (GASPS) Stewie! That's my name, don't wear it out. (GIGGLING) See, that's brand new to him.

Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training. Well, we've got a long time in this decompression chamber. You guys mind if I turn on the radio? Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot.

Getting a lot of positive feedback about that rally. Lot of positive feedback. Everybody loved my Germanator joke. Look, Peter. I want you to move out. What? You can't live here anymore. You're a pain in my ass. I want you out. Oh, come on, man. That's not fair. Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing,

I'm half shark and half Peter Don't come near me, I will eat you Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying.

They're yours! Know what a merkin is?

Oh, Ah, Hi, Bonnie. This is my friend Big Fat Paulie. And, uh, This is his big fat ass.

(LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George?

And I will continue to sing! And... How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois. Hey, Watch where you're going, buddy. Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you. Whoah. Listen, I don't want any more trouble. Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week!

I like her. Here you go. Maybe this'll help.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I got to figure out some way to get that card back. Well, You could always take the class again. I mean, I'm sure they'd give you another card. - Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming. What--What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming. Trouble at the old mill? What are you, insane? Somebody fall through the ice? It's summer. Bobcat?

Did I hear my big boy say he's got a crush on some lucky girl? You know, Chris, I knew this day would come. So, I brought you a condom. Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain. MAN: What the hell are you doing? WOMAN: Give that back! MAN: Man!

Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice. You got another one, dude. Plutonium! H-He is real! He's really, really real! So, uh, Peter, Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? You bet. A week's vacation, a new V.C.R.,

We're still ironing that one out. Hey, what's in there? Oh, I'm sorry. That's off-limits. Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, I have to go to the bathroom for about 30 minutes, as I eat a lot of meat. Please give me your word that you won't go in that door. Okay. Good. See you in a half hour. Peter, this is your chance! Brian, I gave him my word.

Well, I had a little help from a very special friend.

Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem. I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?

Um, maybe Poopy Face Tomato Nose says, "Boy, this house of cards just doesn't want to stay up!" Well, I mean, yeah. If you want to go right at it like a Neanderthal, sure. But I think we're shooting for a little more subtlety here, you know? You know, I don't believe that. I don't believe that that's a real conversation when I hear it. People don't talk like that, Meg.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

My word, Penelope, you and I seem to have quite a lot in common. Do you actually use these? Only when fear, spite, jealousy and revenge demand. I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me. (GASPS) You're wicked. Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern.

Ha! Yeah. Yeah. Here, girl. Ah! Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled

Glenn, your place looks wonderful. I feel like I can touch things in here now. We brought you guys a bottle of wine. BOTH: Oh, Montrachet! I like our friends. So, Joan and I just love Without a Trace, don't we, honey?

This is for you. She made me a mix tape. Oh, dear God, what have I done? I've made a terrible mistake. LaDawn! LaDawn! LaDawn!

PLAYING)

No!

We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig? Marty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch. Damn! Brother done kissed his mama! Oh, yeah.

Exercise! Yeah! I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself.

(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater. I'm just like Barbara Bush! Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby?

(WATER RUNNING) Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it.

Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

PETER: Let her go. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore.

DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool. What the hell is that? It's an African-American heart monitor made by your company. What? Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing.

Peter, th-there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! Well, lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? Lazy. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else. SOn, This duffel bag is only half-zipped.

MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well.

Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line.

Besides, the army is weak. Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck.

Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again. Hi, I'm looking for Glenn? Oh! What happened to your leg? (CRYING) Damn it, Brian! Come back home, Brian.

Big Fat Paulie? Ah! My name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight.

Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me! That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good! Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING)

What are we looking for, Joe? Well, the trail is pretty cold by now, but if Peter did kill Lois, we might find some clues in his garbage. Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died. Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?

My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.

Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog. I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more. What should we do about the graves? Dig 'em.

Uh a-a-Actually, I just meant the black guys. Peter, that was very generous. And Look how happy you've made everyone.

Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out. Really? I thought he hated you. How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card. He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend. But instead, you're going to show up. You got it.

(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING) Hey, what's up, Quagmire? Oh, there's the sound of the birds. I thought they all disappeared, because all I could hear was a lawnmower. Oh, and what's that? The wind in the trees! Good... That still exists. What are you doing there, planting some flowers?

I'm the guy Stewie pays to watch him sleep.

Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Say, Do you ever get lonely?

I wonder where they are. Can I get you anything else? Two more Cokes, please. Could you excuse me?

Oh, Brian, we need paper towels!

This may be kind of messed up, but am I the only one getting a boner right now? Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn? People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage." - Really? - Yeah. Not even a wiggle down there.

Everyone, this is Brian. Oh, this is Brian. He does look like Ben Affleck. He looks just like Ben Affleck. - Is that Ben Affleck? - Hey.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Oh, this is bogus! Two shakes, that's it. Move along. Oh. Why, thank you, tinkle fairy. Lois, you ruined everything, you know that?

No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you You're so vain You're so vain Come on, Rupert, let's go.

Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog. Hey, listen, sister, I just... (FARTING) I'm sorry.

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

Brian, you never told me you had a beard. I love beards! Oh. Yeah. No. Hey, I'm bearding it up over here. Hey, Brian, would you be cool with meeting my parents? They're in town this weekend, and I thought we could all have dinner.

(CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake.

Oh, torture! Five hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave. Here I am in a committed relationship, and all I can think about is having a piece of Navy cake. "Hello. Who's that on the phone?" "Temptation!"

Joan, it's great to have you here.

Ha. Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown. Uh-uh, This here's A hootenanny. Hoedown! - hootenanny! - Hoedown! - Hootenanny! - Hoedown!

They're gaining on us. Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

How are you? (GROANING) I've been better. Well, tell me what's up. Well, I'm in this relationship and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I like her, but we're not really connecting. How long has it been? About 10 months. And how often do you see each other? Couple times a week. Well, why don't you try seeing each other a little more often, and see if you connect a little more?

Good! He do too many white people movie anyway!

It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk!

Shut up! You don't know nothing.

Oh, no. There's a policeman coming. (ALL GASP) All right, everybody, you know what to do. Alcoholics, transform.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode.

This is hot!

Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig, and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he? Like a champ he is. Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes And that's how you make a duck out of an oatmeal container. This is the greatest show in the history of television.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think. These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now I'm sad. Brian, do me a favor and check on Stewie, would you? He's fine. Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song? Some say love It is a river

Num, num, yum, yum, yuM! Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! Ah. Peter, How the hell can you afford lobster on your salary? I got a raise.

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

I don't believe this! Are you guys insane? We're rich is what we are! Look at all that cash, Brian. He don't get none of that! He wasn't here for it! Well, this is just great! I turn my back for a month, and this place turns into a drug den! For your information, it is also a drag queen hangout. Hey, look, our meth is on the news! Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato. Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it.

Ah, you bitch. (SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING)

Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try... a whole new approach. Thanks. Okay, you can stop that now. I can't hear you. I'm a robot. Come on, knock it off. Does not compute. undefinedI'm going to bed. " do not require sleep.

I put it on my head, and it's a skullcap! Put it with David Duchovny, and it's Agent Scully. You got to appreciate that... Hey, don't distract me. Now, hand it over, Mr. Top. Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the skull, but you have to catch me first!

And how long has this been going on?

Hey, Shirt Pants, come in here. Oh, my God! I know, I know! You're my owner! I knew it! I knew we were pals! Yeah, I mean, there's no pictures of me, but I see you've got a dog collar and a leash. And look how big your doggie cage is. You could fit a human in there. Clearly, you're a good owner.

It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars. What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man.

Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine!

I'm still mad at you.

Peter, did you Xerox your penis? Three-hundred times. It's a flip book. Flip through it or you're fired. Oh, my God! This is disgusting. Peter, for the last time, I'm not having sex with you in this office. Why the hell are you pushing this so hard? Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter to Penthouse Forum,

Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side. Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects? I'll never join the dark side. You failed, Your Highness. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.

Audience? This isn't a sitcom. It's a drama. Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom. It's not supposed to be funny. It's a serious drama about a single father raising his four-year-old daughter.

Look at the way it walks. Why would somebody make that up, Lois? What's in it for them? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Mr. G. How's it going? Quagmire, what are you doing here? Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys. Me and Glenn are going out. What? Like hell you are! Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him! Stay away from my sis!

Peter, I really appreciate this,

This is so much fun, Brian. Well, it's a Saturday night, sorry the video-store pickings were a little sparse. Hope you like Roman Holiday. I lied. I was a princess the whole time. You bitch! I'm gonna punch you in the face! That was a lovely dinner. I saved all my scraps in a bag for you.

Dig in, everyone. Hang on, hang on. I think you're forgetting the grace, Lois. (SIGHS) Dear God who definitely exists, we, your people, who have been on this planet for 6,000 years and not a second more, wish to thank you for this bounty, and for keeping Congress predominantly white through Christ our Lord, amen.

Crap! Crap! Crap! (WOMAN MOANS) Oh, crap.

(CHUCKLING)

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You don't wear a hat and there's no wind in here.

And even if they do, just ignore them. That's what I do with that weekend bully. Hey, your weekend sucks! I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it.

(MICROWAVE DINGING) Would anyone like to try my gingbok?

You ain't never gonna believe what I just seen. Tyra Banks? See, now you say something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more. Oh! Come on, what did you see? I don't remember.

Who are you? Jesus Christ!

But it just might work. What?

They rent The Rocketeer He humps a guy like me Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free

We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow, Where'd you get it? Oh, I got a guy. Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week.

Thanks, David. Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight. (LAUGHS) Come on. Come on, now. Okay, we'll leave you alone.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in.

(WHOOPING) Look at us. Look at how much more comfortable we are now shooting stuff.

Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Ah! Ah!

Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! Ahhh! Yeah, he's tweaked. Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl.

Nah, we're still in the V-shape.

W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing.

You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Damn you, Brian. How could you sell Rupert?

Meg, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please? Dad, what the hell? Lois, did you know that Meg had a date? Yes. With that nice boy from the hospital. What's the matter? We don't know him. Maybe he's not even a boy. Maybe he's two dwarves in an overcoat, wanting to see what sex is like with a big person. Huh? Is that what you want? Two crafty dwarves in your house, after your daughter?

Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad.

I can't remember the last time I loved you so much! Oh, How did you get so sweet?

Hey, you guys. Peter, guess what? I am gonna-- Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus. Hey, Dad, why don't you invent the Frisbee? That's a awesome toy. It's already been invented. Then how come I never heard of it?

Uh-huh. It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter? Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12. Okay, like a young 12, or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time! All right, all right, we'll try something else.

Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't... Damn it all, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass!

(EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.

Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Skywalker's on that ship. You can sense him? No, he's right there. They're not going for it, Chewie. Everybody, they're not going for it. This is failing. Luke, take this gun. You shoot me, I'll shoot you. CONTROLLER: (ON RADIO) Shuttle Tyderium, the shield has been deactivated. You are cleared to approach.

Hey, when it's your turn to say "I do," you should say, "I do the Dew." And then we both pull out a Mountain Dew, and then I do, like, a radical skateboard jump off the altar.

Stewie, eat your oatmeal.

Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak! We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us. Good point, tom. We're even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio. Freak. So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples!

So the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, is he? If I'm to defeat him, I shall require professional forceS. Here we are. "Come to Managua, "the Mecca of mercenaries." I must prepare for my journey. Let's see. Grenades, mace, baggy full of Cheerios...

Hey, the Captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay. You're gay. Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.

Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

I got to get out of here! Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this.

Baby Stewie, say hello to your new brothers and sisters. Hola, Stewie. Ni hao, Stewie. Stewie. Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad! I promise, it'll never happen again.

All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her. "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop."

Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub.

ahh! AHh!

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

I know. It's just that... Well, I really like that guy over there. But he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm a total dog. Oh, That is so not true. Then what is it? He's a eunuch. Really? Sure. All the guys here have been castrated. It's cool. Hey, Do you think that girl is hot? No. Me neither.

Aah! Hey, You must be Lois. No, No, not silicone. Silicon. And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty. What a delightful moniker. You see, Misty,

Sexy.

Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign. And There's the President, First Lady Lois. Now boarding the helicopter. And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of quahog, Rhode Island.

What's he look like?

Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh!

If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears. Yes, your anguish sustains me.

but primarily sorcery. Yeah, I'll just put sorcery. Okay. Umm, are you gay, straight, or not sure? Uh, why are you asking me this? It's just... I don't write the questions. I know. It just seems a little personal. Yeah, I understand. You're free not to answer it if that's your choice. No, no, no, it's okay. You can put "not sure."

There is nothing more precious than a baby's laughter. (TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)

(GASPS) You had an affair?

Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their way. But most Native Americans are proud, hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages. That's funny, Mother.

(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

This is quite a country, Brian. You know, Ireland has more drunks per capita than people. Oh, that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.

(WHIMPERING) Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream.

all manner of miracles are possible. Look, I'm a churchgoer, too, but sometimes prayer isn't enough. He needs professional medical care. You know, Lois, this couch would be perfect for one of your red wine pass-outs. Look, we appreciate your concern, Lois, but Scotty is our son, and we have to tend to him as we see fit.

God, I hate dogs. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yeah. They're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards. I'm just not really a dog person, I guess.

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Peter, look! Holy crap, that's the tattoo! Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is. 5-5-5-0-1-4-3. Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing. Hello? Quagmire? - Yeah. - Hey, it's Peter. What's going on, buddy? We're at your house.

Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down to St. Louis on Mississippi.

is handing out makeovers. That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed... by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here!

The first television broadcast. (PLAYING SERENE TUNE)

Chris, where have you been? Doug told me I don't need to listen to you. Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy... and get some astringent to get rid of that thing. What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen.

(STORMTROOPER SCREAMS) Keep on that one! I'll take these two! (SCREAMING)

then I wish you the best of luck. I hope this move won't be a boner for you. Peter? What? I was just saying to Brian, "I hope this move won't be a boner." I would agree. I hope he finds what he's looking for. Okay. Well, we're gonna miss you, Brian.

Hang on, hang on, you guys. Don't worry. I know how to speak this guy's language. Keith Urban. Go on. Brett Favre. Uh-huh. I'm listening. William H. Macy? You guys are going away for a long time.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my!

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it. Guys. I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it. Yeah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

- You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun.

Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann-Margret? - Anybody I want? - Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me. Babs. My mother? Yeah. W-W-Why? It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked.

(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe...

YOu. You lied to ME. Oh, my God! There's Mom! Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? Bite me!

but I prefer the term mustache. Oh! I think it's sexy. I think it's gay. It's not gay, Brian. If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay. Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay. He was not. He had a mustache, which is practically like a wedding ring. I imagine you're gonna be much more of a stern father now that you have a mustache.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) This'll be great, Quagmire. A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate your first night without a baby. Yeah, Peter. This is great. I feel like myself again. I'll tell you, my life was so dominated by that baby. I'm glad she's gone. Yeah. You know, sometimes you just got to make a decision and go with it.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. (SIGHS) Wait. Is it?

Ahhh!

are we still gonna be friends?

Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go.

In fact, you're mentally retarded.

Why don't you go away? I don't want to be your friend. (GROWLS) Rupert! Oh, dear God, somebody help! Rupert! (SNARLING) Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury.

"Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs. All right, whip them out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal.

Come on in. Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately. It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois!

Hello.

and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia which has substantially weakened his immune system. Is he gonna die? No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? Well, it looks like the operation was a success.

Victory shall be mine.

Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad! Maybe we should go now.

Yeah, I promoted him this morning. - Promoted me this morning. - What? Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread? No. Well, go see that movie and absorb its message, and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. Carl, this isn't fair! All right, then, you're fired.

You what? Well, I think I want to go into medicine, so I was shadowing Dr. Hartman. I've actually been learning a lot, but then he just left me here! Well, you don't belong here! This is a professional medical institution with standards and regulations to adhere to! But... But I... I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'll go.

Oh. I guess not. Uh, When did he die? We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show. You know, some-- some people think that dandelions are weeds.

Glenn, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving brother like you. So, are you gonna leave him? Oh, there you are!

Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard! Aw, Man. Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom. Look, I won a balloon! Oh, way to go, Chris.

That's me! I mean, that was me. Yeah, sure. No, I mean it. That was me. Get away from me, you crazy animal! You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Joe, go round up Quagmire and all the modern day technology you can find. We are going to war. Oh! Oh, hey, Bonnie. Is Joe there? Well, can I leave a message for him? Yeah, it's what I said before about the war thing.

You want to be the director? Fine! I quit! Me, direct?

What stain? Ah! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GROANS) Why did I even bring you on this trip? Because I'm the best damn land spotter in all of Europe. It's true. You are the best. Yeah, I don't need you to tell me that. (PANTING) Dad, I can't take this anymore.

I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day.

You! You're a whore!

Oh, my God! Get it out of here! I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it. Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution. Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?

(FARTS)

Excuse me. I'm lookin' for a car that's been tricked out to look like an ice-cream truck. Damn it! I'm--I'm sorry, what? You know, with colorful pictures of ice cream treats. And it plays a tune that's fun for the young children.

Oh, you are living la Vida loca.

Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy?

Put me down, you blunderbuss! He's a little cranky from teething. Ah, I can fix that. Good God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed! There you go. My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache.

I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that. Chris, who are you talking to? Grandma. Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back!

Well, I'm off to serve food at the soup kitchen. Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone.

Well, here we go. You know, buddy, I'm really gonna miss having a dog. Hey, what do you say you be my dog one last time, huh? Sure, Peter. Whatever you want. Hey, hey, whassat? Whassat, boy? Whassat?

- Okay. - All right, ready? Okay, you're gonna do with me? Oh, yeah. - Yahtzee! - Gay. You suck! Hey, everybody. I'm home from work. My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office? Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit. Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing. Oh, boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap.

Okay, bye. (RETCHING) Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we wanna know. All right, let's get out of here. Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.

Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share! Uh, I'm not really sure what to do here. Boy! You've put on weight, Jackie Chan. Oh, my God! (BONNIE) Did you walk?

Move it.

Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us. Have you seen any sign of Muriel? Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.

Hello? Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow.

maybe I could give him another chance. Really? Oh. wow! That's great news, Carter. You're back in! Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade in-the-same-room-make-outs. "Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club!

(GAGGING) (PANTING) It's done.

All right, enough messing around. Let's play this game.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with you. There's some frozen steaks in the freezer. Bathroom's down the hall to the right. If you ever come home and there's a tie on the door, it means I'm frogging someone, so give me at least a couple hours. You smoke?

Make sure Tom Tucker knows he has 20 minutes and he is to only talk about the book, no personal questions, all right? Are you okay? You good? You need anything? All right. All right, we're inside and there is nobody here to greet us. We have no idea where we are or where we're supposed to go. Wait, is that you on the phone over there? Is this... This is us. Look over here. There we go. He sees us. All right.

- What? What is it? - Look at this. The number-one book on The New York Times bestseller list is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore. This is why nobody bought my damn book. You know, this is what they want. The Secret. Chicken Soup for the Soul. The Purpose Driven Life. I tell you, I could crap one of those things out in a night.

Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio. 2 minutes, uh, everybody. 2 Minutes. ...Feh--feh--feh fi--fi--fi--fi fo--fo--fo-- Jeez, full house. Well, well, Look who came crawling back. Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?

Quagmire, You're the boss because you never give up, like with the ladies. Gemini. Ooh! Capricorn. Oh! Ha. I know you're not a Virgo! Aah! Hey, From down here, you look like a Pisces! Aah!

See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now. It's just weird, Brian. I still don't think I'm comfortable with the whole idea. Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof.

You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God. Chris? Meg?

Hey, cut it out, man. What's he doing? I don't know. Just giving him a noogie. Pretty harmless. Maybe we misjudged. Wait. Why is his knuckle getting red? (BOY SCREAMING) Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop.

He's... a... fam-i-ly guy it was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond, as 6 members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of A fish trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water,

Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here! They stink of good cheer, Lois! After we've had our fill of bread and wine,

My parents? But they wouldn't-- Yes, we would.

you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar! That's right. I went there.

Yes! Score! Score!

And you'll lose all control of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole 'Cause if you use toad

Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally. Get Lois on the phone, have her wire us some money, and let's get the hell out of here. Oh! Uh-oh.

Fuck off.

Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

RED: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me. Vagina boob. Later, Andy came back with more than two words.

Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls! (LAUGHING) Hey, guys, look at me. I'm covered in balls. Just like... Just like Sharon Stone. You beat me to it.

Oh, God! Let's go, quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella.

What were you kids thinking? You could have been killed! It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it. Is that right? So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh? Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes! What?

Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

(UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age.

Peter, you bought the statue of David? No. I just rented it.

uh, even been to a P.T.A. meeting. This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"! I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois!

Done! " don't hear anything. Get up. Try it out. Sweet.

I'm getting very little work done! You guys, I just can't take this anymore. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think we all just need to confess. What? Now just hold on, Quagmire. If you start yapping to the cops, we're gonna rot in prison for the next 30 years.

"After 20 odd years of marriage, "your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." "Really? And I suppose you think "I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky "deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" What was that? What did you just write there? Give me that! "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" Oh, I'll give you something to write about!

So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious?

You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! All right! That's enough! I--

9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five!

All right, here we go. Classic. Uh-oh. (ENGINE STARTS) Ow!

How is this possible? I'll tell you how it's possible. Because this man always put his job before everything else. His wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son. I need hear no more. Everyone, this is your new shop foreman. Welcome aboard, sir. Lead as you see fit.

I'm prepared for a lengthy captivity as well. I swallowed this People magazine in 1989.

My God! I can't believe she's an android.

Hey, you made it! And you brought a friend. Great. I'm his wife, Lois. We actually met the other day. Oh, sorry, I meet so many people. But there's really no way you could know that. Yeah, she's a housewife, she don't know. Whatever. You got booze in here?

I know, I told you the book was good. Yeah, thank you so much, Don. Um... Red overalls, a yellow shirt underneath. I don't really have time to do this right now. Brian, they're publishing your book. You're kidding? I can't believe it. That's the worst thing I've ever written. Not according to Penguin Publishing. In fact, you're supposed to call the chief editor.

Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love. Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies? Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later. (FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)

Since when do you go to the gym?

I may have made out with Meg.

Oh, you must be our new dorm-mate! I'm Rogers ChapStick, heir to the ChapStick fortune. And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV.

Are you sure that's a real news story?

(SCREAMS) Wait a minute! What are you doing? I thought you were blind!

(PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this. Really? Did he like it? He wants to option it and make a movie! Really? No, he didn't really respond to it. Oh. Listen, I need your help. Run inside and get me a pair of scissors.

After years of study, I've discovered the secret to longer life in canines. And that secret is-- We interrupt this program for several episodes of One Day at a Time. Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink 2 days ago! oh, I'll fix your sink, Miss Romano.

(LAUGHING) You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.

Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie. Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait.

All right? I don't care that I'm your father and you don't care that you're my son. We don't have anything in common. I think it's best if you just get out of this house. Fine. I hate it here anyhow. Get out of my way. My pot! My pot! Your pot? Your pot?

Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever. P.P.S. You know what? it might be a little chilly in London. I--I'm actually going to take the sweater. Oh, my God! One of these planes must be going to London.

He shoots! He scores!

If I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I Would've never done it. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, I went to the streets to find out. Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No. No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable.

Mort, give me the paper. No, I'm reading it in here. You can have the real estate section. It's for schmucks, anyway. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed like Bill Clinton. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, dressed like.

But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop? I think that can be arranged.

No. But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart. And I'm proud of you, Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson. It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with, and your family-- Shh, It's on.

Well, we should probably get home. This area gets really dangerous at night. (ROARING) Okay, everyone, welcome to the first day of shooting for Steel Vaginas. Peter, this movie doesn't seem to make any sense.

I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too. Thank God you guys are okay!

(SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank. Well, I got to tell you, this was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because... Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING)

You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, yeah, Yeah, that's nice. Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear! Peter!

A promotion? Really? Can I get business cards that say "Admiral"? That's not in the budget. You know, we're trying to catch Rebels here. I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?

Listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm not very good in these types of situations. Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical. All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

Wow. So, these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes? Indeed they are. Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking? So the housewife tells the plumber, "Okay, you cleaned my pipes, now get to work on that sink."

If you're asking if they can see, yes. And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great. Then why don't you tell me how they feel?

All right, look. First of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all--all I did was tell a little joke. 2nd of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment. Peter, please! Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company in no way condones Peter's conduct.

Eric? Peter? Oh, My God, I haven't seen you since high school. Yeah! God, What are you doing these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm the green guy. No kidding? Yeah, Yeah. Jeez, God. Hey, is that Stacy Beecham? Where?

PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Huh?

Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you. It's all you, it's all... Hey. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio. Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast.

That's how my old scoutmaster shakes hands. Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.

The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. Hey, That's just crazy enough to work.

I will be "nice." Good boy! Now smile for the camera. Yes. Yes. Smile, like a good boy. aah!

You people are a circus.

I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud.

(AWKWARDLY) Oh... Okay, we're gonna move on now. If you ever do that to me again, I swear to God... I know! I know! Nobody told me. They kind of just dropped him on me at the last minute. I couldn't say no, man. So, I think you'll be happy. The Death Star's going to be completed on schedule. Excellent. There is one thing, though,

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Don't boil me I'm still alive Iraq lobster Iraq lobster I've tried talking to Brenda about leaving him,

So, uh, What's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad? "Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch? Don't you remember? You gave me writers. "Sir, I don't want to say you're rich,

MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You... MAN: Yeah! You think I want to do that? You think I want to hurt you? Not in front of the baby! I don't want... I don't want to hurt you! I'm sure there's two sides to this.

She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone.

Peter, stop it. For God's sake, you're embarrassing me. Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates. Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Ahh! Are you The Matrix? Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel. My name's Chris. Not anymore. Christobel will look so much better in Interview magazine. Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor! Hey, Lois, give me a penny.

Hey, hey, I was just trying to save your lives. But now you're all gonna die. There's No one who can land this plane. I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black! She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? It was a movie in the '70s.

I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me!

And see? He's got a sleeve hanging out. He didn't pack it right. Oh, well, you know what could be funny? Maybe one week he actually goes on vacation and he's already got the suitcase. Chris, can I see you in the kitchen for a sec? PETER: (WHISPERING) Your writing partner is out of her mind. CHRIS: (WHISPERING) Okay, first of all, stop calling her my partner.

(FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

No stranger to you and me (IMITATING DRUMS) Thank you for coming. We've never hired a spiritual medium before, but I'll do anything to get my baby back. You know, Peter, we wouldn't have to be messing around with ghosts if you hadn't desecrated those Indian remains.

Oh, I give you my...

Damn it! He's getting away!

You are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second. Huh? (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Naomi. Did you pick up those tear-away panties like I texted you? I didn't get a text from you. All right. Not sure why, but I'll bite. Hi, Naomi. Hello, Lois. I want you to meet my husband, Dale.

Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.

In Superman ii, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy?

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room.

I can't believe Lois would cheat on me. Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything. You want me to drag my sack across your face? What? (STUTTERING) I'm sorry, it's... When one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I cheer... Listen, Peter, this is all I know.

(CROWS)

for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?

Whoops. Whoa-- Whoa. Hang on, Hang on.

So you can be successful writers like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon. You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's.... Come on! I helped.

No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Back to you, Tom. Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God. Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this. Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm somebody now, you know? I don't have to lie to people about my life anymore.

ahhh! It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin. I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's gonna have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's going to have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and A tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.

Hey, how about "Here's to you, Mrs. Fleckenstein"? Yeah, You've been pitching that for an hour. But It's just not a very attractive name. Oh, oh, fine. Fine. I--i--I suppose we're also not going with "parsley, sage, rosemary, and Lowrey's Seasoning Salt."

(MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS) Bueno.

You again? Oh, Death, please, don't take me now. Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience.

I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!

No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.

The drunk old Injun squatting in his teepee Firewater keeping him warm ANNOUNCER: Jewish Nose. She's got a big beautiful Jewish nose And it's there two minutes early wherever she goes ANNOUNCER: Dean Martin singing Chinaman's Chance.

Ok, everyone. Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. Aunt Marguerite! Lois!

Sorry, Lois. Regulations. I can't give you any special treatment. It's ok, Joe, I understand. Shut up, maggot!

Peter, you win. All right, I won't tell the joke anymore. You know, I gotta admit, Quagmire, despite all the problems, that joke is freaking hilarious. Where'd you hear it? Bruce told it to me. No way Bruce came up with that. Where'd he hear it? I don't know. Probably just around. I mean, where does any dirty joke come from? Hey, now, Joe's right. There's a million of them. They gotta be coming from somewhere.

But, Peter, what about your son?

Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that?

Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed. Oh, my God!

Each float possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-- Oh, baby! Look at that! Peter, The float turned out great. Yeah, Our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how get us free cabLE.

You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter. Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team. That's a winner in my book. Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady.

And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING)

Yeah! Nice hit! Frozen rope! Awesome! What just happened? Ground rule double! Whoo! I couldn't even see it. Yeah, it was something. Ducks on a pond! Let's bring 'em in! Could you please sit down? I am sitting down. You sit up. I am sitting up, but I still can't see a thing. Yeah, sounds like a "you" problem. Let's go, Sox!

Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! Lock and load, Brides of Christ! Excellent, excellent! Hello.

But there was always a chance he'd blab, wasn't there?

Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra.

All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids. Oh, yeah? Watch this. No! eh...

Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces... or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. Peter, you're still you. No piece of paper from the city is gonna tell me...

Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic.

Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again! Oh.

uh-oh! Well, I don't get it.

Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are? All right? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me. (CHUCKLING) So all we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we'll have our murder weapon, and if we're lucky, it may just mean we'll have our killer.

You want to sleep in the bed with us?

Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute? Sure. And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time.

Oh--oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

What's going on? Did the city give you the permit? No, No. We're not part of the city. We're not even part of this country. And that makes us our own country! What are you talking about? Thanks to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the U.S. From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! I was gonna call it Peterland,

I gotta say that guy made a lot of sense. He sure did. The government's really gotten out of hand. Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything. The same way the Village People ruined any gathering of a cop, an Indian chief and a construction worker. Oh, my God, can we get a picture with you guys? We're not those guys. Yes, please leave us alone. We're very busy.

Pancakes!

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

- What happened? - I don't know. Dear God, my time machine! You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track.

No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know. Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

Now you and your whore wife get out of here! Peter, you handled that perfectly. Merry Christmas, Lois. MAN: Please! We're begging you! I'm getting the baseball bat.

But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin. Francis.

Squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety! (LAUGHING) Your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence.

Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader.

Julie's gone! (AS STEWIE) That's fine, Brian, we're having a conversation up here! That girl in the wheelchair called me a name!

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard. Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now? You don't do the budget, Terry. I do. Hey, I'm gonna do some crosswords, but that doesn't mean I don't want to talk. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Lois, I'm a wishing troll.

No. No, you can't leave, not without me. I'm the baby. I haven't been this disappointed since I saw The Lake House. See, the mailbox is like a time portal. Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later.

- It's working. - Just need a little more.... We love you, honey. Lois, what the hell were you doing out there? Not listening to you for once, Daddy... and look what happened. I had a lot of fun.

Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz. Steak and eggs and eggs and steak That's what you should have for breakfast Delicious

Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?

Huh. Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities. Don't worry, Brian. I know how to handle this. sir, Are you aware you were going 50 in... I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir. Aw, Crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island.

PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide!

Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey. Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about our little talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all. Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm fine. And, hey, look I... I wanted to thank you for being so great to me.

SUSIE: Today, I saw a balloon.

Our stupid neighbor's dog barks 24/7. God, I hate dogs. - (STAMMERS) You do? - Yeah. They're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards. I'm just not really a dog person, I guess. Oh. Uh... Yeah, me neither. Dog people can get pretty annoying. Well, this is a nice apartment you have. Is this your dog?

Oh, my God! They've opened fire! All right. It looks like things are getting very heated here. This is not a safe place to be. And now, sports.

This is gonna take us to the next level. We're gonna be banging so many hot chicks with jeans up to their navels. Bobby Briggs, you're really good at heroin.

There it is, Meg. What do you say we take it for a spin? Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING)

You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay,

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w.

You mean like as in... D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? What's going on? What are you guys talking about? Uh-oh. Someone's getting cranky. I think he needs an N-A-P. What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish

ls Peter here? I want to re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out. Hey, Wheat Thins! Take your top off.

Get away from me, you crazy animal! You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help! All right, who wants to be next? You? You? Brian! BRian! I'm here to bring you... You're going downtown, pal.

Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion. And I had named him and given him a back-story. Chucky had the biggest hump of the camels in his village.

Wow. And it's nonfiction, right? Yes, it is. Now, which one is that? I always forget. Is that the one that really happened or not? Uh... Yeah. Okay. So now... So this is... This is a true story. Well, it's not really a narrative...

What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why?

Peter, what's with all the eggs? Well, every Halloween, me, Joe and Quagmire do this thing where one of us is it, and then the other two of us nail the crap out of him with awesome pranks. Well, who's it this year?

We'll do the best we can with Meg Are you saying I'm ugly? It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess-- Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard. That's why we got that Steven Hawking guy.

What? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) Please look at me! What the hell's wrong with you, Peter? Nothing. What the hell's wrong with you, Swanny? I'm Quags. (CRYING) I don't know who any of you are anymore!

You been lifting weights? No. No, I don't... I don't think... No. I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back.

Yes, but we're still here. So I must have done, or will do, something that will save the universe. If I can just figure out what that is... Ugh, Bertram just voided his bowels.

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um...

Now, put this on over your shoulders. Good. Now, I'm gonna need you to squats down like your underwears is done for, but you might still save the jeans. Now, you's gonna wanna latch the front to the back like so. Did everybody get that?

Well, I promise you, my husband will have a talk with Quagmire. Won't you, Peter? Peter? Mr. Griffin, don't touch that. That's the school PA system. (LAUGHING) Attention, student body. You will now listen as I attempt to swallow this microphone. LOIS: Peter! (PETER GRUNTING) (LOIS CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)

Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects?

I told you I could mold your son into a champion. This is gonna be my greatest victory ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin.

Peter, it's been eight hours, and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.

(THUNDER CRACKING) (ALL GASPING) PETER: Oh, my God! Is this what black people see all the time? (STABBING) (MAN GROANS) (THUD) (ALL SCREAM) Look!

For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is.

(SOBBING) Meg, what's wrong? Eli's father, Ezekiel, said that I can't see him anymore! He said I was trying to corrupt his son. He did, did he? Well, that does it! We are gonna teach this town how to dance!

MAN ON RADIO: This just in. The Weather Service has reported a big snowstorm on its way. Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.

Of course, of course. Well, here they are, Brian. My test results. Read them and weep. Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded.

That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council.

All right, looks like we's gonna be here a while. Who wants pizza for dinner? And who wants Purina Moist and Meaty Dog Chow? (ARGUING) I had that for breakfast!

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it.

Everyone in town knows that! Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Giggity!

put some plywood over it or something? Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale. Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only gonna go up. Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it... (CHOKING) I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Then, a child 's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker 's life on an all-new L.A. Law. That's Night Court at 8:00. L.A. Law at 9:00. Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie. He's not allowed to have any human contact. (PHONE RINGING) Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation!

I don't want to talk to you guys. You called me an idiot. Oh, Chris, you must have just misheard us. I was standing right there. How is that possible? - 'Cause you're an idiot, that's how. - Peter! I'm going to school! It's Sunday, right? Peter, we've completely destroyed his self-esteem. We've got to do something.

I'll tell you what it's about. It's about you and Ross Fishman! What? I saw you with him the other day, breaking the 5th commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois!

What's your excuse, you big chicken?

Ugh. Taste that? That's the taste of beach justicE.

Oh, Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh--oh, sorry, His "biatch."

What are you looking at? I could fight you both. You don't know what I go through every day. (SOBBING) Now go to sleep, the both of you. PETER: (WHIMPERING) I think we should go live with Mom. STEWIE: I just heard all of that,

And then she wanted to make him eggs! (SCREAMS) And he said, "Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30." And she said, "I'll drive you there!" (SCREAMS) And he said, "No, no, it's at my office. "It's like a half-hour commute." And she said, "I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's pre-school." (SCREAMING)

(HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

I have my confidence again. I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone. Well, I'm glad to be of service. Oh, just one more thing before you go. What's that, my dear? See you at work on Monday, Griffin. Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite Aid about this fake mustache.

What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference. You must be Peter. Joe Swanson.

Well, Chris, I constructed a very elaborate, fake grocery store. Oh, my God! Are these pickles really only 39 cents? That's right, ma'am. Wow! This is incredible! (WIND WHISTLES) (BIRD SCREECHES) What the hell's going on here?

(SCREECHING) Maybe you're right. I'll think about it.

Nah. It's too much, too much. (BEEPS)

Here's your burger, sir. Thank you.

Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow. Go away. No time to say bye. (LAUGHS) I pass you 'cause you lose focus! Damn! Lost focus! Life over! (GRUNTS)

No one in this town will hire you. Oh, yeah?

I just can't believe he's gone. (Pastor) Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. Daddy, I'm gonna miss you. Daddy! Oh, he's dead. I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too. But you're makin' a scene. All our friends are here.

(GROWLING)

Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.

(SIGHING) He was "Putin" us on, huh? Right?

Jets rule! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hey, Watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the T.V., and get me a few beers, huh? Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes and the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. Yup.

oh, Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff, uh, oh! Sunny D! All right! We now return to The Smurfs. Hey, y-You have a good time last night? Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. Oh, man, As soon as We got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.

I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick. W-where--Where are the bags?

Oh, You would bring that up. Can't you leave the past where it belongs?

Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago,

Hey, Horace, another round for everybody. (ALL CHEERING) Gosh, Peter, you're really being generous with your money. Hey, what's the point of being rich if you can't share it with your pals, huh?

I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase. Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. Go force!

Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie. Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute?

Carter, as your boss, I command you to have a viewing party for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory, and you have to go cubicle to cubicle inviting people. Come on, Peter. I'm not good with rejection. I'm your boss. Now do it!

Do you like Coldplay? Uh, am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay. God, Toby, I can't believe how much we have in common.

Hey, guys, what is going on? No way! Cool! That thing don't bite, do it? Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky. Pick a lane, bitch. (LAUGHS) Isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

(DOOR SLAMS) I wonder if I could push mine inside. Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone! I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

But we stink as a duo 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts And you get a kick out of stroking your-- W-w-whoa! Y-You can't say that on T.V.! What, Ego? Never mind. We're too different to ever be pals

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

Action, That Eighties Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,

who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family.

Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle. (GASPS) I can see the top of the mountain. Let's move it!

He is your superior. What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it. He bit me! Mr. Griffin, although I may not fully understand Opie's management style...

Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude (BIRDS CHIRPING) The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring"

(GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

(BEEPING) Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android! Of course. She's a product of Disney Imagineering. They built a perfect robot teen idol.

I got a splinter! (WAILING)

Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out.

Yes. Peter, I'm waiting. I'm comin'.

Bye, you guys. Have fun at school. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only. Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes. How much would you pay for laser eye surgery? $500, $700, $10,000? How about $12?

You know, I love you girLS.

Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts. Nobody's even looking at you. That's what I mean. The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.

Where's the rest of you? So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened. Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all. He's up in his room. Hey, there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. (IMITATING) "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father." Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all.

Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

Thank you. What are you doing? This will just take a second. Give me that!

My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol? If I lay down flat on the floor it usually kind of fixes it Tony Danza from Who's the Boss?

What I saw today wasn't religion. It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales. - Actually, that is religion. - Shut your trap, Brian. STEWIE: Hah! You tell him. Why? I agree with you. All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance, and that's just wrong. You think I'm...

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa!

(CAR HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECH) Oh, my God! Are you all right? I'm fine. Lucky for you, this tree was my destination. And the job exchange begins. (CHIRPING) Sir, do you want to move ahead on the agreement with the sanitation union?

And I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll

(SNARLING) My God! That doesn't look good. God. That elf getting killed gave them all erections.

What? Ugh!

Joe? Peter? What the hell are you guys doing here? Well, we got an invitation to a dinner in my honor. I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month. That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor. I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet,

Wanna tell you i love your way ow!

AUDIENCE: Ooh! MAYOR: as well as "Sweet Moment" AUDIENCE: Aw! MAYOR: and, of course, "Ethnic Kiss." (AUDIENCE CHEERING) This is an offer you don't want to miss. But don't take my word for it. Hear what '80s mainstay Howard Hesseman has to say about it. I love it. Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed?

(GUNSHOTS FIRED) (POLICE SIRENS BLARING) (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS) Head for the tracks!

Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven? Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials,

Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing? I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter, but I love you and I can't stand it anymore! Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down! This is a good sweater! Off! Off!

Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him.

Oh, books.

I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys!

Here! I can't read. No one can read.

Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast.

All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Brian? Brian! Oh. Is the soup ready? Yeah. Got it right here. Oh, good. I need to take my pills. It's been three hours. You know, they warned me these blue ones were gonna make me constipated. Right they were. Okay. I am plugged up. No, I got it.

And I will give you a raise tomorrow,

Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline. Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old? No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old.

as he's already eaten and might throw up. Well, Derwood, now you really are the big man of the house. Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No!

(CROWD CHEERING) That was sensational.

It was my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things. I'm not having fun anymore. I feel you should know that. (LOCK CLICKING)

You know, if you had any balls, you'd put that gun down, and we could settle this like men. (LAUGHING) That's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you. Hey, I'm serious, man. Unless you're scared I can take you. Suit yourself, man. Just means you're gonna die slower.

I can't live without the country club.

(WHISPERS) Happy Halloween.

I'm just a prom night dumpster baby I got no mom or dad Prom night dumpster baby

Is there any more coffee?

Oh, right, right. Right, because of my penis. Yeah, that's--that's-- that's fantastic.

What a loser, huh? (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, when he wasn't looking, I stuck a springy snake in his wallet. What? (YELLS) And I switched out one of his eyeballs for a gag exploding eyeball. What? That's... (SCREAMS) And then I paid a couple of Mexicans to run over him with their car.

There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two.

Here's a gift for ya. A scented candle? As a girl, I love this! That was originally $30. Thanks, Mr. Quagmire. Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's... I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what?

Uh, Excuse me. Uh, uh, I don't think that's how it happened. I-I'm pretty sure the North won. What are you saying, fella? I'm saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line! We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, Mister.

It feels like we've been here forever. Ok, Ok, here's one. What would you guys rather be? Blind or a midget? Oh, that's easy. Blind. It heightens your other senses to near superhero levels. Yeah, and every woman I did would be Cheryl Tiegs. Definitely blind.

What about this, Meg? A pink baby tee that says "Little Slut?" undefinedThat seems pretty hip. " don't know if that's really me, Mom. Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"... and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter. All right. All right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster." That's the spirit.

I am not doing that, Glenn. Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should. What the deuce? Why the hell would she respond positively to such a negative comment?

That's right, Diane. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus, then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch, where the elite without feet meet to eat. Lois, this is insanity. I think we should shut down the restaurant. But why? We're doing so well. Lois, let me explain something to you, all right? Cripples are not cool.

Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen? We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke.

...or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails...

Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING)

Why the devil would they include small parts? Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up. (GROANS) Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. Dude, you're lucky. If you put that under your pillow, the tooth fairy'll come and give you a dollar. What? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here? To our house?

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

She's one of them! I'm sure of it! Now tell me what they injected me with! Huh! You know Mr. T always wanted to be a Broadway dancer? Answer me, damn it! What have they done to me? All right, look, It could be any number of things. Gene manipulation, sterilization. They want my seed! But from the look of your pupils,

Guess this is as good a time as any. (EXCLAIMS)

(TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.

(IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend. My name's Peter and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and go talk to my coworkers at... These pants have stool in them.

I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!

Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you. Oh! Crap, Peter, it's a flash flood!

We're not sinking. We're crashing!

(LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments.

This doesn't look very good.

(EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon. Hello. Hi. Name, please?

Eat a fishing lure? Hey, look, Brian's on TV. FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage. Oh, my God! Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? Is this an eyeglass lens? I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this. (SCOFFS) Gay marriage. Next thing you know, they'll want to vote.

(EXCLAIMS) A hundred points. Meg, clean up aisle two. What the hell is this? I am not cleaning this up. Meg, less talkie, more sweepie. Shut up, Chris! You can't tell me what to do.

Why don't you keep her company while I go fetch Karina?

Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant.

Well, all right, I guess.

and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh!

Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

Do we have any Tylenol?

I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Ouahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

Well, we've got a long time in this decompression chamber. You guys mind if I turn on the radio? Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android. You may call me A.N.N.A.

(TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, man, these stadium bathrooms are always so disgusting. Look at that. There's even a guy taking a crap in the sink. Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink. Oh, cool. Two spots opened up. (STAMMERING) You go ahead. I can wait. I might wait for a stall.

Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley.

Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe. Damn it!

Sir, We think the Griffin guy gets it. Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please. Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson. Sh-sh-she's new. I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey!

running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.

Why do I taste crotch? I must unlock the secret to their mind-control powers. Lois, can we go now? I'm starving. The game's almost over, Peter. Try to think about something else.

Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize. All right, but I don't want him scoping out our house looking for other things to steal. So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss. (LAUGHING) Racial slur.

If it was me, I would have done something about it. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right. Hi, boys.

Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. And, The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake. You see, Meg? I'm the favorite! Ah, Baby books. Nostalgic for the days of chafed nipples and episiotomies? Oh, Somebody hasn't heard the news.

(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

Dust in the wind All they are is dust in the wind

What? What? What the devil?

Oh, Chris, in a few minutes, you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man. I could make a foreskin joke right now, but this is a solemn occasion. And Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back. Oh, I got so many of them, too! I--I know. i know. shh. But later!

Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

Oh, sure. Women's boxing is a rapidly growing part of the field. You should consider your wife competing for a belt. Well, she did look like she knew what she was doing up there. Think about it. Here's my card. (CHUCKLES) What can I say? I really like watching her box. That means two things.

Water-soluble. No, Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! Oh! If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary. What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy. Yes, yes. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry. Whatever you say.

The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center.

Hey! Neil and Cecilia. I didn't expect to see you here. Meet Jake, my boyfriend. I want some BB's. My dad lets me shoot at cats. Hi, Meg.

W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it!

I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going... (GRUNTING)

Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now! Well, So much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop.

You know, Chris, a little friendly advice. Uh. You're gonna start dating soon. Probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed. Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that.

Oh, sweet! A pool table. Let's see if we can find some cues. (SCREAMS) What is it?

If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie,

Here are tonight's top stories.

I, uh... I don't know who this is.

GLENN: Well, I think we made it worse. PETER: Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up. Brian, why don't you take Stewie while Meg and I go clothes shopping?

where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter." "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales. "But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes.

Ever seen a blacksmith's apron? Well, Brian, here we go. Oh, this is going to be so much fun. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) God, this is going to be a long night.

Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid? You hear that? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there.

My name is Zac Sawyer.

Masturbate? Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together. Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.

Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone. Hey, give me your keys. I need your car. What? You're not taking my car. Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go. Driving you where?

(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

True. But this kind of behavior can't be tolerated. Agreed. I suggest we start with political sanctions. Very good, gentlemen. Well, I guess the world'll show me a little more respect now. Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me. Oh, Yeah? Him and what army?

Boy, I can't wait to lay into that recruiter. Yes, you'll be about as effective as the Wizard of Oz was at granting wishes. And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes, but little did you know, you've had herpes all along. I didn't want herpes! Oh. Well, you've got it.

It makes perfect sense, Lois.

I'm really concerned about Cleveland. What Loretta did was unforgivable. I hope he doesn't go back to her. I hear you, Lois. You know, there might be a way to drive the point home that she hasn't changed. How would we do that? Hang on. Hey, Quagmire!

What's your name? Brian. Let's see. There we go, BriaN. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

Good morning! Is what normal families say.

And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then, son, You know... Oh, my God! Fire! Aw, jeez, Let's get out of heRE! Run, you stupid bastards!

Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick.

Oh, wait. I can do this part. So, yeah. Thanks.

If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better

I'm sorry, but The Drunken Clam is permanently closed. Closed?

- Marie? - Yeah, Donny? We cannot tell Mom. So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend? I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all. Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?

And I learned something today.

Stewie!

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Ah, I gotta take this. Who's calling? My ex-girlfriend. She calls me drunk every Valentine's Day. (PHONE BEEPS) Hey, Samantha. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I still love Lois. Oh, come on. You would have been a great mom. She had cervical cancer five years ago. She's basically a boob on a leg at this point.

Oh, my God! Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? Is this an eyeglass lens? I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this. (SCOFFS) Gay marriage. Next thing you know, they'll want to vote. Oh, oh, look at this. A spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco. They--They don't even make this anymore. They don't even make this car anymore.

You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, ok? Meg, Will you relax? None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you, all right? Jeez, I gotta get gas.

Very well, Solo, if you won't talk, we have very effective means of torture. Whoa! Well, I don't want to be tortured. All right, Luke's on Dagobah, there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk, and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.

Well, you look fantastic. Lots of meat on your bones. - Which is great. - What? Oh, just saying you look jolly. Like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa. Oh, my God! Are you saying I'm fat? No, I'm saying Santa's thin... - Get in there and throw up! - Oh! Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy.

What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? (LAUGHS) Brian, you suck. What the devil is in here? I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie. We're a gas family now. You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle? You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman. (PANTING)

Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.

Guys, guys. Someone's getting frogged in the clubhouse. Quagmire! She sounds fat.

Hey, there. How you doing? Good evening, gentlemen. Listen, Mayor West, my friend Quagmire here's in trouble. He needs a place to stay tonight. Say no more. I'll protect you, sir. It is my job. I only ask that you do not feed my cat, Bootsie, as he's already eaten and might throw up.

Hi, Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil. - I'd like to buy you that coat. - Really? All I ask in return is that you let my company do just a little bit of dumping in your lake. This guy don't sit right with me, Lois. He don't sit right with me. But I just cleaned up Quahog lake. Do you want the coat or not?

I don't know what these women are always complaining abouT-- Ahh!

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh!

Wow, that's very grown-up of you, Stewie. Hey, dog, let's go. My dad won you fair and square. You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING)

but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here! Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs.

Let's go home, Joe.

It's obeying all the rules! No way!

We'll call you when we get a new shipment in. There's no such thing as tainted holy water. Come on. We'll do it ourselves. Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And Space Ghost. What are you doing? Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates.

Patrick. Where have you been? Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.

But I thought you made a lot of money here. I used to, but it's all gone downhill since Muriel died. She could get away with overcharging people, because they were always mentally undressing her and then re-dressing her once they saw the horrible mess underneath. But in that interval, she robbed them blind. (SOBBING)

Well, I'm glad we're finally going out, Ellen. I've really liked you for a long time. Hey, what the hell you think you're doing? Sitting down. Get up and pull my chair out for me. Oh, goodness, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That's better.

And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive?

Is that ham? I thought you put that back.

You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God. Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister?

(STUDENTS CHATTERING) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, what's up, B-rie?

Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter.

where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing. Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that.

Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me! That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good! Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me! (GIGGLING)

Up until now, we've been fighting Bertram on his terms. Whoa, easy. Easy, girl. Easy, easy, easy. But I propose an invasion. We've got to fight him over there by the swing set so we don't have to fight him here at the sandbox. Stewie? What's this? A letter of surrender. We did it.

Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress. All right, let's figure out what we know here. The gun was clearly meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way. So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods. What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

(HUMMING)

JODIE: Peter, come on! I've got Maureen McCormick with me.

I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official.

You're weird. Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off.

Finish your oatmeal, son. Why bother? I'm just A freak! a freak!

She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING)

(CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television. Now it's just a big, old, silly mess. Oh, God. An angry mob. I've got to swallow all my valuables and get out of here.

Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass.

Well, it's just a thought, but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness? Yeah, Brian's right. You know, there's lots of big Hollywood celebrities who have gone bald with dignity. John Travolta, David Spade, Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven. And besides, don't you think you'll be happier just being who you really are?

(CHEERING) I don't know what the kids are complaining about. This ain't so bad. I know. This is fun. I haven't been to a pep rally in years. Do you have school spirit? Yeah! Do you have school spirit? Yeah! Who's got the most school spirit?

The nurse says Brian won't be out of surgery for another three hours. 0h, I hope he's gonna be okay. Me, too. I know we're not here to place blame or beat ourselves up. but, I can't help feeling like this is somehow Meg's fault. Oh, I just can't stand the thought of losing Brian. If he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.

Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP!

You son of a bitch, you made me feel again. Oh, don't you go, 'cause I'll go. You know, Peter, I just want to thank you for all you've done for me. You are one hell of an agent. Well, with you as a client, it's easy. (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? She calls herself an assistant, but yes. What is it, Sandra?

Did somebody order sausage? (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Hey, dude. You want some of these? I say, here's the solution to my troubles.

Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil. Stewie, eat your oatmeal.

Wait. Hold on a second. "Pie," "drunk," "the"?

(DISTORTED) Just relax... (IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest... (COUGHS) (SCREECHES)

Yeah, for the money. You ready to go, Quagmire? Yeah. You know, I got to tell you. I think you did a good thing. Well, I guess I just realized it's not about me. This family is what's best for Anna Lee. This is her home now. I got to let her go. I'm proud of you, Quagmire. Thanks, man. Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years.

Brian, it's me, Stewie. Shoot him! No! Brian, you know me. Look at me. Shoot him. All right, there's only one way to settle this. Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet. (LAUGHING) What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now our feature presentation, Lawrence of Arabia, presented in its original, ultra-cinemascope letterbox format. (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA THEME PLAYING) LOIS: Well, I can't see anything. STEWIE: Who's the rather attractive girl on the camel? BRIAN: That's Peter O'Toole. PETER: You film buffs might enjoy this.

(GRUNTING) (CRYING) I always knew one day this would happen. We will never forget you, but you're better off here. Why are we dragging this out? It's 6:30.

This gives me an idea. She's dead.

(SCREAMING)

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. So... No, you can't take him. You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there.

We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.

Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance, but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair. Thank you. (ALL SCREAMING)

No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening. Come on, buddy. Let's go. (BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."

All right, class, two things today. I'm no good at math, and I don't have a certificate to teach driver's ed, so I hired a math tutor and a driver's ed guy. Okay, so, do you use my car,

I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing. Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

Ijust had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison!

Close the curtains.

(ROARING WITH LAUGHTER) - Oh! Hey, Brian. - Hey. Not to worry, I called in, and a new cell phone should be here for you in three business days. What? Why? Well, clearly, yours is broken, because I haven't heard from you.

ahh!

"Today he was out in the yard raking leaves.

(LAUGHING) You always fall for that. You can't always fall for that. You just can't.

Number 3287. Come on, Peter. I'm here to take you home. I don't know, Brian. This is the only world I know anymore. Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes. Good morning, everyone.

Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and hotels up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer! And 19 of us are not. And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine. What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here.

Then it's up to us, the people, to find a solution. Close the curtains. (SIGHS) Tea Party. Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen. This town is going to go to hell. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40.

Just to know it means so much to me

where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other. T-R-E-E. Tree. Correct. We're now down to our final two competitors, Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate."

of our days and our nights Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights and I say, I want Charles in Charge Hey! Hey! Hey! Quiet down, up there!

Oh, my Lord. Look who's here. Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Seven. Seven prostitutes. This is a shakedown. Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work. Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out.

Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell. Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. Now give that back to Mommy. Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. That is enough. You, you struck me.

Craig Hoffman.

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah. We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, what's up, B-rie? Stewie, just give me a beer. I've had a bad day. I cheated on that assignment.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead!

(ALL SHOUTING)

When do I get to meet her? No, no. No way. Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous. - She's not hideous. - Oh! Well, let me ask you something. - Does she have an alibi? - For what? Why would she need an alibi? So, you're saying she does not have an alibi. Well, no. Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi.

I sense something. A presence I've not felt since...

I love Mexicans. I'll do it! hang On, Hang on, hang on!

It's just an excuse to dress slutty. "I'm a slutty nurse," "I'm a slutty pirate," ""I'm a slutty cancer survivor." Who wants to check my boobs for lumps, bitches? (ALL LAUGHING) I'll be back late. Don't wait up.

Why are we taping my reaction? Just... Just watch.

"Kebert Xela."

We gotta sit through this whole thing? It's not that much longer. She's number seven and there's, like, 18 people. Relax, man. I mean, as long as she knows you were here... Look, this is happening, so just come to peace with it.

Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Oh, My God! Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you.

(LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block. (GASPING) There she is. There's Anna Lee. Hang on, Anna Lee. I'm coming. It's them.

So, what magazine do you write for? I'm the editor for Teen People. Editor? Wow. Gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that.

CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING) (PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC)

A big fat phony! I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! Hey, Remember that time I had that Mustang? Oh, yeah! You--You took her for a spin that time. Yeah, That was awesome! Aw, th-Then those chowderheads on the corner, they busted your stones.

Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be. PETER: Of course, back then, the South was a very different place than it is today. A backward place where they didn't believe in science and hated others just for being different. Time has a way of changing a place and its people. Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like, a human resources guy we could talk to?

"You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" You know, you're gonna be fucking dead in five seconds if Aunt Frieda doesn't throw a pie at somebody!

Anyways, Glen, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was. Of course that's why you're heRe!

How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress in one week? It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Wait a minute. Meg, when did you become a teenager? She's 16, Peter. You knew about thiS? Welcome to your new Foster home.

(EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet. What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS)

I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped. I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right. I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks. Who cares? I don't need Quagmire. And I certainly don't need Joe. I got Money Joe. (LAUGHING) That's a good one, Money Joe! I don't like what this money is doing to us.

Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea! Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles?

No. He was a good guy, Peter, and I'm gonna prove it to you. And you're gonna feel like a real jackass. What's that? It's a gift for you.

My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Where the hell is Quagmire? I don't know. He said improv rehearsal at 7:00, right? Yeah, where is Quagmire? I haven't seen him all day. You know what? I think he went down to the bank. What was that? What did you hit me for? I'm passing the story on to you. Keep it going. Keep the story going. Huh? What's Quagmire doing at the bank? It's improv, Peter. You don't think. You don't think. You just keep talking. You don't think. Don't think. Don't think. What comes to mind?

Mom! We're in here, Lois. He's napping. Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in. (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Get in there! Hold still, Stewie! (BOTH GRUNTING)

...but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet.

Or a banana. Or a Sharpie. I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night (IN PORTUGUESE)

(LUKE SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Ben. Ben. Leia. Leia. Tom Selleck.

I say, hello! You there, I'm ready to get out! Somebody! Oh, my! What was that? Well, Hello, Mr. Water Jet.

Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you. I missed you, too, Lois. So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men.

Good Lord! Oh, no! (Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.

Would you like to play with some of my toys, Stewie? Well, what have you got? I have a set of jacks, a paddleball and this taffy with superglue. Isn't that the little boy who pushed you? Hmm. Yes. You, there. Would you like a piece of candy?

Ya! Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. I wonder what came over uS?

Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night. Dog? Yeah? hmm.

He's cooking something up.

Enough of this crap. Ezekiel. Call off your boys and let's you and me finish this man-to-man. Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating.

You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat. Well, just get a divorce and everything will be back to normal. Oh, It's not that easy. What am I supposed to tell Brian?

I've got news for you, my friend. Marijuana's illegal. (CROWD JEERING) Not cool. All right then. Establishment Establishment You always know what's best MAN: You suck! Learn the rules! And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors.

Oh, boy. - What's the matter, Glenn? - Nothing. Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'II get it for you. - I'II come with you.

STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change.

Hey, there, cutie. Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something?

He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then that's the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase. Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here,

How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up? You know, Just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces. What... What... Ahhh! Ahhh!

All right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence, drinking. Hey, hey, good times just walked in. (ALL GREETING) MAN: Oh, hey, he can't be in here. He's not 21. All right, just hang out here for a little bit, huh?

Well, these parents don't think so. I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, you're fired. Fired! Oh, no! (KNIGHT RIDER THEME PLAYING)

Hey, I thought you were taking me to the dance! Uh, Something suddenly came up. Peter, How could you do this to Meg? Not now, honey. I gotta write a book report on Oliver Twist. Yes, "Oliver Twit" if you ask me.

Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Two Lame Chicks on Vacation in Mexico. Oh, my God, don't drink the water. I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila. Mexico! Mexico! Hey, is this beach topless? No, but my margarita's bottomless.

I'll do anything. You don't know me.

Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't.

(WET SQUELCHING) Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs.

Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed like Bill Clinton. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, dressed like. All right, let's go make some Whitewater.

Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time? (STUTTERING) Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready. (GARGLING) Always gargle before a takeoff. Wokka, wokka! All right, let's go.

Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run! Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!

He was the smartest person I knew. Nothing will ever be the same again. Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me,

Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good. I love you so much.

Oh, my God, it's Ben Fishman. - Is he... - Yep. He's dead. Oh, great. Not only are we caught in this blizzard, but there's some maniac up here freezing people to death.

JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be way too complicated for you. How come there are two toilets? The other one's for blood. (WHIMPERING) Cleveland's old house. Perfect! Damn, no toilet paper.

Yuck! All wings, check in. Red Three standing by. Red Six standing by.

Hey, kid, catch. Thanks, Mean Joe! He's not really mean at all. No, he's a nice guy. Okay, the time machine is refueled. Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.

Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood.

Congratulations, men. You've all passed basic training. I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow morning, when you're all shipped off to Iraq. What? Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq.

We'll be right back, after this.

Thinking about your sideburns? Yeah. No, no, no, no. You're not a complete jackass, yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "Phresh", and it's spelled with a "P-H". Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear on your pants, there. Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it?

PETER: But one day, Vageena went swimming too soon after eating a sandwich, and this happened. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help! We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina.

Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty. No, it's pretty clean. Carol Burnett works part time as a janitor.

All right, now remember, Lando, don't get a single scratch on the Falcon, okay? Look, will you relax? I already said I'll be careful. Well, just make sure you are. That ship's gotten me laid a bunch of times.

And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos.

They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery. FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72. Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me!

You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead!

Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie! And This is the back yard. Feel that? That's premium blue-tip Bermuda. Real hardy, but soft.

There's no words there. "To play us out." What does that mean? "To play us out."

But It's just not a very attractive name. Oh, oh, fine. Fine. I--i--I suppose we're also not going with "parsley, sage, rosemary, and Lowrey's Seasoning Salt." That's it. I'm going to 'Nam. Oh, Hey there, young fella. Bringing me good news today? What?

I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone. I love the trombone!

Say no more. I'll protect you, sir. It is my job. I only ask that you do not feed my cat, Bootsie, as he's already eaten and might throw up.

Aw, crap! Death!

but it's mainly because he's so funny. Well, look, we'd be happy to help in any way we can. Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen. And those two bums turned to me and said, "You're not funny, Peter." In my own house!

He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god.

She's right. We're fugitives from the law. What the hell is wrong with you?

It's just weird, Brian. I still don't think I'm comfortable with the whole idea. Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof. Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway.

- Look, you can use our shower if you want. - No, it's okay. It's just a little spot. It'll come out. Well, that's not gonna come out. You better take a shower. (WATER RUNNING) - Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it.

All you have to do is turn it to 350 at about 5:15. Yeah, okay, Lois. Are you listening? Yeah. What did I just say? Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15. I heard it! All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see.

Then I'll have you killed. BRIAN: I want to die.

Will you be my wife, Princess Meg? Oh, yes! Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) No! Stewie? (INNOCENTLY) Hi, Meg. (ZAPPING)

Well, it's all right. How hot can it be?

Boy, Will your face be red when they find the black box on this one. So, really saturate the soil twice a day. That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.

But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right?

I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II. (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!

ahh! Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall! I'm on it, Meg. Have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the...

Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well! Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing through static. I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.

Brian, come here. I want you to hear my presidential address for St. Rupert's Day. I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed. Screw off. I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws. Just take a look, will you?

Oh, man, nobody thinks that's funny? Oh, my God! She's so hot! Look at that, she can fit that whole bottle in her mouth. All right, come on, Stewie, you can write a song. How hard can it be? You've got your G chord right here

Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money. Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding?

Yeah, serious problem.

Where are you? I can't see anything! (SCREAMING)

and America's Funniest Home Videos buys you a shrimp cocktail? Get lost. If I give you $5,000, will you tell me I matter? Oh, there's my little angel! Here, let me get that for you, sweetie! Thanks, Dad. Wow, Peter, I gotta say,

(LOUD LAUGHTER) What does that mean? Well, if I can expand on this. For one thing, "In God we trust" is on money.

Peter Gifford? My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome. Peter, can I see you in the other room? Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok.

And then, I just felt like something was wrong. I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor."

Okay. Drowning. Getting shot in a drive-by. Lyme disease from a deer tick. Good, good. Getting stabbed in the face. Getting shot in the face. Shot in the face. There you go. I see you're kind of stealing mine, but it's okay. Leukemia. Having a mosquito bite you on your scab. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh! There's your thunder. Okay, let's try again.

Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol? Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him!

I swear I didn't know. Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him. I got shortstop. The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. I tried everything to get the stain out. What about lemon juice? Oh, What about club soda? What about shutting the hell up?

(CACKLING) Look what I found. That's wonderful, Peter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go do some skywriting. (LAUGHING EVILLY) Hey, look at all these videos Mr. Quagmire's selling.

Damn it! Oh, This is awful! Somebody stop them! Do something!

Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING) (VOMITING)

I don't know, Lois. I tried my best. I don't know what else I possibly could've done.

But it could get us home. Well, maybe, but it'll break my thing. And if I overload that reactor, we could both die. Well, you at least have to try. And if you don't, I am gonna spend the rest of eternity chuckling at a joke that I am not gonna share with you. (CHUCKLING) Oh, man. What? What's the joke?

Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun herE. Look, I-If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit. I was doing shtick, I tell you! Humina-humina-humina!

Look, I'm just a faithful Catholic man with a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve.

(LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later... Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic. You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater? (GASPS) Lois! (STAMMERING) You is the phone lady. You the phone... You the phone...

Oh! Boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note. I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter. Well, I'll just have to get a second job or something. Hand me the classifieds.

It's just as relaxing. Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums. I'll start packing. I'll start packing. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: Family Guy is brought to you by AXE Body Spray. AXE Body Spray. Spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower. Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh? AXE Body Spray.

STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me? (ALL SCREAMING)

Brian, do something! (EXPLODING)

Submitted for your approval. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge to bury shiny objects in the yard. A shameful secret that nearly buried the peace and civility of an entire neighbor--

Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat. I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming. But we had fun at the Teen Choice Awards, right? I guess.

Oh, thank God. We made it.

Mom, this is so lame. Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break".

That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.

ahh! Hmm. Uh-oh. FiRe! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry. I'll put it out. ahh! Hey, Great show out there. Look, If you want an autograph right now,

(BURPING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES) (CRASHING) All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool about that. (STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it, and they're willing to do it around me all the time, because they know I'm so cool about it, and I don't judge them. So, you know, go ahead... Well, here we go. Yup, that's what my friends say, too. "Well, here we go." Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too.

Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict! Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.

MAN: Go, Stewie, go Roll, Stewie, roll

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money. Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation. No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell them I'm a failure!

Uh, As soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behind us.

Hurry, Peter, Steve's gonna be here in 5 minutes!

Oh, My God! What? What? It's a beautiful baby girl. Ooh, A baby girl. I'm so happy.

I can.

We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go. Just go and start a business. (SLURRING) You know, I never... I never told anyone this, but you're so good at cursive.

Mr. Berler's coming! Oh, Man! We are so busted. Put it in here. He won't check me. All right. What's going on back here?

And I'm Yasmina Reza. Oh, are you his night nurse? No, I'm a playwright. I wrote Art and God of Carnage. I won a Pulitzer. You want to say your grade point average, too?

What is that? And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free And I won't forget the men who died who gave that right to me

What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again. It's the electricity, Peter.

Creepy. Oh, I saw some cute dresses down the street.

Ew! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. You're cute. You're cute. I don't want to pet you, though. Oh, all right. (RETCHING) What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (VOMITING) Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me.

Let's live it up I got my money Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse. Would you excuse me a second? Okay, I'm back. Here we come, here we go We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball

"Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. "I miss the good old days when you were my sidekick." Uh, So she hated my tie until I told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber. Yeah. Uh, yeah.

But the more that I know you the more it's a good fit Now we've got what it takes to be very best friends

You want to hear it?

Aw, jeez. We like being alive, we like being alive We like being, oh, we like being, oh, we like being alive I guess it's their time.

Hi, Glenn. Oh, my God. Cheryl, what are you doing here? Well, you know, it's been so many years, and I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd just drop by and say hi. My new boyfriend I guess knows you, and told me where you live. (CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you. (LAUGHS) He's so bossy. I love it.

Maybe he needs us. Maybe we're important. I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts. Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind. Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing. Give me paw. Paw? Good. Other paw. No. Other paw.

Oh, this is a bad idea. But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out! Peter, may I?

Oh, wait, I can hurdle my own leg like they used to do in the '90s. Okay, all right, this is gonna sound really weird. This is gonna sound really weird, but I really want you to do it, okay? What?

Aye, it is McSwiggen Village, where the hills are green, the streams are clear and the sweaters are so thick, even the boniest-fingered nun could poke you in the chest and it wouldn't bother you none. Don't be so bold with your dark hair and your proud ways. I can't feel a thing. Hey, what are those guys doing? Those are the McMurphy brothers.

All right, dog, here we go. Prepare to lose a bet, 'cause I'm about to become the most popular boy in school. Excuse me, pardon me, are you the cool children? Yeah. Who are you?

(EXCLAIMING) (GROANING)

Don't start with me, Brian.

(NEIGHING) Is someone there?

I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke. Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian. You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face?

The Lord can't do everything, you know? Blasphemy! Heresy! Sodomy! (LAUGHS) Sorry, I don't even know what's going on. How you doin'? Ben, Hope, I know you don't believe in modern medicine, but you do believe in the power of prayer. That's right.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think I can. What was that? Never you mind what that was.

You got LEGOs? Sweet. Lois only buys me Mega Bloks. They're the same thing, Peter. You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way. My God, it's hot. Brian, did you turn off the air conditioner? Just open a window.

All right, name something you find in your bathroom. Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating." (ALL CHEERING) All right, you've got two strikes, Callaghans.

What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois. Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about. And you'll see you're being taken for a ride, like a snail on the back of a turtle. Slow down! I want to get there, but I want to get there alive! Okay, Brian, I'm here.

Get it? Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig!

It would be wise not to anger him. I wonder what this thing is for. Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does. All right, here goes. Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful. (TOILET FLUSHES)

You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you. At least I bought us some time. Uh, uh, uh, She did it.

My black son, my black son

All right, guys, I know that yesterday was a rough one for us. But it's with great pride that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one. All right! Nichols, you should go home and change.

Yeah, and you know, I wasn't Facebook friends with a lot of those guys before, but now I am. God, Seamus has listened to Mony Mony on Spotify over 2,000 times.

"Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!

(GROANS) All right, we just gotta catch up to the boat. Well, how we gonna do that? Oh, cool! They got Car Chase GPS. (BEEPS) - AUTOMATED WOMAN'S VOICE: Back up dangerously into traffic. (TIRES SCREECHING)

"Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987.

Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight? No.

But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him. I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Ok, you can go to jail with him! What?

Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary.

MAN ON TV: We now return to How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother. I was walking with my professor,

And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this.

Not like when I met that bitch Shelley Duvall. Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall. Very nice to meet you. Big fucking deal. Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her. Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go.

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring? Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company.

Well, Mayor West did say he never saw the letter. And he was under oath. Yeah, he lied.

Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself. Do I... Do I stick the money directly inside of her? No, you do not. Why, have you done that before? (LAUGHING) Doesn't go over. When do I hit her? For crying out loud, just drink this.

Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no!

Damn it! You ass! Easy, Clark. I hate that guy! It's been a long trip. You're tired. No! I hate him! Look, you're angry. You're dehydrated. Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better. (SIGHS) Okay. I just totally drowned this ant hill. Hey, when are we gonna get there?

Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir. Nice bike. If that's not the understatement of the century. It's cool. Too cool for you! No, no. I--I think it's right where I'm at. Out of my way!

When's the beating gonna come, Brian? Just tell me when it's gonna come! Just do something, anything! Look, look, I'll do it. I'll do it first. Look, I'll do it even worse. Look how hurt I am. We're even now!

I know it. Ok, We've got 3 days until Peter and Lois get back from their K.I.S.S. concerts. Let's go to Jolly Farm. Yeah, now you're talking! You make the Pope look like a fool!

I love you, Lois. You know that, right? Just in case, I'll say it again. I love you.

And sometimes, I put my speakers facing out my window

Laugh and cry He's a family guy We interrupt this program with a special report. Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots.

Ahh! Not so fast, buddy!

Ahhh! Damn it! Aw, What happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just, i--I don't want to hear It! Well, serves you right.

Ben and Jerry.

Well, that was unfortunate. Hey, what's with all the cars on the street? They're all here for your surprise party, Meg. Peter, for God's sake, you idiot! We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "Surprise!"

Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for?

Peter, what is this show? It's called Creeping up on the Kardashians. See that guy with the ponytail in the background? He sneaks up and scares the girls while they're starting businesses or getting their fat waxed.

Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas!

Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

Thanks, Tom. Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog, and we're here with their reactions. Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and...

Yes, yes. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life.

Well, as we say in the radio business, "If you put that on the radio, people will listen to it." Make him part of the show.

What are you? One of Freddy Krueger's victims?

Love it. Hate it.

Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants. In the front this time. That's all right, Peter. It just means you're excited. That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife. It means you want to make love.

Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio.

I'm a Catholic, and I want to live in a Catholic house.

Wow, thanks! You're welcome.

Who cares about that? You made the right choice for your own integrity, and that's what matters. Well, I suppose you're right. And hey, at least I got something on the air. I mean, not everyone can say that. (CLEARING THROAT) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Big Jaws. Stop eating our boat, Jaws!

And Peter, put those away. Aw, come on, Lois. Just one more sonG. Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy.

Uh-uh, goofy. Why don't you come up? You know what? I think I will! Boy, what a mismatched pair. A free spirit and a puppet.

(HISSING) (SIGHS) That was too close. (LAUGHING) Sir, we have a confirmed crash. Flight 37 is down. We'd better alert the mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.

Leafers! Holy crap! We gotta get outta herE!

I'm not so sure about this, Peter. I mean, that's Daddy's company. He spent his whole life building it from the ground up, and you don't know anything about running a big business. Whoa, whoa. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story. (MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)

The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building, quite obviously a giant boob. And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus. My God! How could we have been so blind?

Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer! Go away! You!

(BOTH GRUNTING) - What happened? - I don't know.

Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. I'm very disappointed in you.

Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago,

I met a girl, that's you, crazy for me I met a boy, he's as cute as can be Summer days driftin' away Summer days driftin' away To uh-oh those summer nights To uh-oh those summer nights Oh, well-a, well-a, well-a, uh Tell me more, tell me more

Well, on your mark, get set, terrible. (LAUGHS) No, no, but I understand that this is bad. You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter.

- Bye, Mom. - Bye! All right, kids. Have a good day at school. Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there. I'll always be there, Dylan. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Oop! Broke my hip!

Just turn them over and send them down! Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. (SQUAWKING) Knock it off! Now look, Peter, I... Shut up!

I'm totally breaking up with him. I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys. But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school. (SIGHS) Yeah, you're right. God, they all suck so much. I need a new challenge. What if... Wait. Now, bear with me on this. What if I date a loser and make him over into a popular guy?

(BEE GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (BEES BUZZING) (BRIAN SCREAMS)

I suppose you're right. Nothing I can do. You know, why don't I just meet you home? I'm going to run some errands. - You sure you're okay? - I'm positive.

James Woods! undefinedOh, my God. " don't believe it. Hi. How are you? Hello, everyone. He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing? Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time. That's why he got fired from that airline. - Coffee for you, Capt. Griffin? - Thank you, stewardess. Hey, where are we right now? On an airplane?

Oh, hey. Did you have fun at the game? Oh, yeah, it was so exciting. They scored the winning hit right at the buzzer. I'm sorry you missed it. Yeah, no, that's okay. I've just been hanging out here having a great time with... - Meg? - Hey. I thought you was a bag of peeling potatoes. Well, maybe next time you can come with us when we go to Red Sock Field.

It's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's.

(CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that?

Damn! Laura! Laura! Laura!

This is gonna take drastic measures. All right, get the camera ready. Oh, Luke. Mission accomplished, Peter. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting. That's no good, Brian.

Isn't it amazing, Brian? You can see for... Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right. I don't really know what the point is. I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.

Call me! She won't call. Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding.

What do you mean? Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither. Well, it... Well, it... You... Really? Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? No, no, nothing, nothing. It's nothing, I guess. I think it's great. Congratulations.

Peter, who cares how much the Bill is? You've just got the most important bill of all, a clean bill A health. Ah, Jeez, Lois. How long you been waiting to crack out that gem?

but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right?

Because it's killing babies, Brian. If God wanted us to kill babies, he'd make them all Chinese girls. Peter, it's not a baby, it's a fertilized egg. It's the size of the tip of a pin. It's alive, isn't it? To kill any living thing is an abortion. That's what the man I just met outside the clinic told me. And he had a T-shirt on that confirmed it. Okay, well, sperm is alive, and every time you masturbate,

Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist. And that just happens to be Glen's fetish. Brian, how'd it go? Well, Lois, I think I have little bit of "me work" to do. But I'm feeling things, and that's a start.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh... Well, I lost my train of thought. But this is really exciting.

Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's. Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here!

This is a surprise. I kinda thought you didn't like me. Oh, What? Because of what I said this afternoon. no, No. See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver. Ah. Are you kidding?

Oh, it's no use! She swims in my blood now. I must have her!

Hey, let's see what else we got here. The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD. BOY: You're welcome. Stewie, what are you doing? You can't open Meg's gifts. Hey. These are mine. You hear me? Mine. Oh, God. Not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.

Actually, Peter, you're not a loser at all. What you did just now was pretty ballsy.

(UNSHEATHING) (ROARING) People, you are free!

I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter.

It's like you don't even have cancer! Don't even have cancer! - I know. - Oh, my God. No, but I still have pretty aggressive cancer. Come on, Peter. We're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad. Oh. Right. You didn't forget, did you? No, no, I didn't forget.

Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich. Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Well, that's it. I have no choice. I've got to run away.

There. I did it.

Which is a perfect time for me to tell my jokes. Peter. And I will save them for the end.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello. Oh, hey, Jillian. What's up? Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight? What time does it start? 10:00 Eastern and specific time. What? What did you say? Specific time? Don't you mean Pacific time? No, I think it's called specific time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.

He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!

Ah, I love you so much. I love you, too, honey. Ahh! - What's wrong? - Ahh! Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it! HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP! Ow! Ow! Ow!

We can just pick up after ourselves. After all, we'll only be here on weekends. No, No, Lois. It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are. That's PewterschmidT! W-w-Wait, you guys. You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants.

I have gone soft. I've lost my sadistic streak. So I've built a concentrated neural enhancement device, designed to boost my evil side. All right, shall we take this thing for a spin? Now, when I say so, hit that button. Okay, hit it. (MACHINE ACTIVATING)

Penelope Ann Miller, Nancy Travis, now those are movie stars. Look, Anthony, trust me, she ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off, it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza. Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific. Anyway, good night, kids. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Madden to Fox Security. Go ahead. Take them down!

That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines!

What's a library, Dad? Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside.

I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me! Who was that guy?

Me, too, Glenn. God, it's so amazing that you've been my dad's friend for, like, years, and now we have this connection. Hey, do you want to come in for some Crystal Light or something? Well, I do believe in me, but it's getting kind of late. Um, I really want to see you again, though. Ah, you know it.

Good. Now, we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one. Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer. All clear? ALL: Yeah. Yeah.

Peggy? Yes, Mr. Griffin. That fart I have at 3:00, can you push that up to now? Very good, sir. (FARTING) Lois, how could you let your idiot husband take over my company? He fired all my staff,

Meg, will you take one of these and pass it down, please? What's this? I'm starting a new advocacy group. The Quahog Animal Equal Rights League. Our first meeting is tomorrow night, and I'd really appreciate it if you guys would come and show your support. Well, of course we will, Brian. We'd be happy to come.

Oh, Good boy, Stewie. Clean plate. Although I think you got-- Yes, yes! I got more of it on me than in me. Yes, That one never gets old, Lois. Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in.

Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they'll produce Shakespeare. Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works.

I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas! Easy, lady.

Oh, God, I'm so nervous. I hope it goes well. Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot.

Does--Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded.

You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them!

when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me. I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep. I must have tossed and turned something fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off. Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that. Turns out we weren't even related.

Title's all business. I like that. Also, I've been under the weather lately, so it may not be my best work. "Shape up or show me your balls."

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay?

What? Women are things.

the greatest movie of all time. I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that? (OMINOUS MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) TOM: Good evening, I'm Michael Myers. I have enormous psychological problems,

Stewie, what are you doing? Just getting my bronze on, baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just Tanned Stewie being Tanned Stewie. Check me out, Brian.

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my... Oh, my God, Peter! I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! This wedding is hot! Wake up, damn it! Wake up! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. now, I know you've been here all day.

Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie. Honey, if you wanna lose weight, I'll put you on a diet, and your father can help you exercise. Really? Why don't you do what the supermodels do? Stick your finger down your throat,

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.

For this evening 's performance... the role of Jean Valiean will be played by Kirk Cameron. Oh! Oh! Unbelievable! Oh, my God! How lucky are we, huh? "Hey, Stewie, what are you doing tonight?" "Oh, nothing. Just watching Kirk Cameron play Jean Valjean." Oh, my God! Curtain up.

Oh, my God! You're Santa Claus! Yeah. Who are you? I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to kill you!

Well, well, look who's here. All right, all right, look, I know an apology is due here... so, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested. Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom.

(SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (LAUGHING) This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

But you're standing on a trap door, and if Jabba pushes the button... (ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say? But there's a trap door right under your feet!

Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like to plow you. I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again.

It's good to finally be off duty. Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire. Yeah, this is the Air Force graveyard,

Then we've gotta hurry! Sorry, we can't begin our search until she's been missing for 96 hours. Oh, my God! My baby! Yeah, there's a pretty grisly sex trade over there. Usually we just end up burying framed pictures. Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! (SOBBING)

Broadway is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too

(GASPING) Mommy! Chris! Stewie! My babies! Oh, I'm so happy you're safe!

Nice costume. (MUMBLING) I haven't put mine on. Not really. This is my costume. Whoa, nice place! Yeah, former heavyweight champion, Floyd Weatherton, lives here. (DOORBELL CHIMES)

Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But.... But I.... You.... No more TV.

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs.

(PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) (TWINS GASPING)

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom!

Quick, get on! Thank you for all your help. My pleasure, Peter. - Any time. - Oh, fantastic. Hey, do you still do stand-up?

Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop

I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet! Gobbledy glue

Anybody want more pizza rolls? Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote.

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play. Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? Or too late? Shh. It's starting. (MONITOR BEEPING)

We need to figure out how we're gonna survive. I mean, is there even any food in here? Right, good thinking. Meg, go get us some sandwiches. Wait a minute, that's a great idea. If Meg can get through the vent, she can sneak out and go get help. Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody, spit on Meg. Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay!

Whoa! Easy there, Spencer. Now behave yourself, and there'll be a withered carrot for you later.

Rupert, my transporter is complete. If my calculations are correct, the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation will soon be here to answer all my questions. (WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready?

Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. peter, Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's? I had to book it the day of my ultrasound. We'll never find another place in time! Oh, For once, it was all gonna be so perfect! Aah! Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect.

How about a little angry sex, huh? Oh, all right. (BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate. What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (TIRES SCREECHING) That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew.

What? You heard me. Take Justin's bag of candy and pour it into Stewie's. All of it. And if I think you're holding back on me, we're gonna have a serious problem.

Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam. And here's our first float.

Yeah. You break all the rules, eh?

WHoo! I am such a bitch! We have everything we need. And--And no crime, no guns, no pollution. Brian's right. We've left ourselves defenseless. Guys, we need to make some guns. Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.

ew. oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I should probably get going. Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again. We got a big tournament coming up next week. Well, hurry back, handsome. Oh, Peter, this is so much fun. I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon.

Nominal. Fuel supply? Full. Air Supply? Lost in Love and i don't know much Very well. Through the lips, over the gums, Look out testicles, here I come! Lois You can't spell "love" without "L," "O"

Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too. If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time. Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again. Not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.

Okay, this is level 12. There's the lab. Let's get in there and find Carter's body. Oh, crap, there's a keypad. We're just gonna have to try and figure out the code. When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. Don't worry about it, Brian. MAN: Hey, what's going on down there? Nothing.

He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say,

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Yup.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

I'll do it!

Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about? - Oh, God, yes. - Oh, my God. Quagmire, shut up. We're here.

Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!

What a delightful moniker. You see, Misty, my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion. I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse.

Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer! Wait a second. We don't know that.

That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store. What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked. Come on, Jerome! Get a hit so I can bring a sports trophy home for my parents!

Dad, my God, are you ok? Don't be using the Lord's name in vain! He's ok! Thank God!

It's good to have land. (LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George? George Clooney. Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney?

Don't push. Uh, Lois, why do we have Lucy and Ricky beds? Because I'm sick of you crushing me in the middle of the night. Dr. Hartman called about my x-rays. He said my spine is now disfigured. Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he would have made me John Travolta.

Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson lived in peace and happiness.

I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me Except for you.

What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here.

Ha! The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you?

You know, I really like spending time with you, Julie. Me, too. Why couldn't we just have girlfriends instead of boyfriends? I know! It's all just one big, confusing mess. Can I snuggle with you? Uh-huh.

You know, give it a shot, Brian. But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner. Run!

(KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard!

Chicken? You take that back! Yeah? Make mE! I don't make monkeys, I train them. Ugh. Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard!

Don't panic, Lois, we'll find him. I'm good at picking people out of a crowd. Oh, gosh, this is hard. Yeah, could I get a better look at number two? And, number four, could you step forward, too?

It's not a boat, it's a yacht! Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said it was a boat. This thing is great. Bet you could sail it all the way to the Caribbean. (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Hey, American women, when was the last time you were raped, murdered, and stuffed in a lobster pot? Well, what you waiting for? Come to the Virgin Dutch Front Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles.

I brought a gift.

He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing? Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time.

Oh! I didn't mean to do that.

(ALL CHEER) It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No!

Whoa! What's this place? Yeah. This universe looks weird. Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy. ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba... Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois?

How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.

Farming takes incredible skill and knowledge and the sort of specialized experience that takes generations to acquire. Dad, my favorite hen laid this crazy-looking egg! Cheep-cheep. What's your point, Brian? My point is that maybe I should go to the local state college and take some agriculture courses.

Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

Oh, my, I better leave you two alone. What's the matter, Brian? I've been thinking about us. And i--I just don't think it's working out. (STEWIE) Oh, my God. No way. you--You wanna break up. Why?

Uh, hi. I'm... I'm Joseph. Oh, hello. I'm Mary. Listen, um, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime. Well, sure. That sounds nice. You know, there's a beautiful spot outside of town where they dump all the foreskins.

Dude, the Bronze Age was so much cooler than the Iron Age. Dude, Dude, the Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day of the week.

Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

All right. Now we play it cool. Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money. And, um... Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me? Um, wow! Sure. Oh, fantastic. What the hell was that for? Now we have the pot and the money.

And that's pretty much all there is to it. Yeah, It's hard, jagged, and tastes like alcohol. Just like kissing Faye Dunaway. Easy now. well, I can't believe we just did that. Hmm.

Kicking, Lois?

What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out!

You want me inside you?

Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

Maybe we should go inside. Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO. You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?

Ah, The sun's up. I'm safe for another night. Thanks, Meg. Wow, Thanks! See ya. That was kinda cool. Yeah. I'm bored. Hey, You want to go push the janitor, knowing he can't legally push us back? Sure! Awesome. Ok, cool. All right. Let's go. Cool, man.

Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! Face it. He's the life of the party. Oh, Yeah? I'll show you who's the life of the party. Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that?

Look, I don't mean to question your religious beliefs, but as a mother, I just can't bear the thought of little Scotty not getting the help he needs. You really needn't worry, Lois.

Hey, you, drunkie. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm-- Ahh! Ah, The toast is ready. I'll get it, Lois.

You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

Shut up, just shut up! You have no right, man!

Ah, there you are, boys. Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time. Right, Peter? (LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Peter. Well, let's eat. You must be starving, Peter. What am I, on trial here? Maybe you should just eat something, Peter.

Thus far, the cars remain on the ocean floor as the Germans refuse to clean up the disaster. The German Environmental Minister called a press conference to issue the following statement. I see nothing! I know nothing!

And I was gonna valet park.

What a mess.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much.

Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is. Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to the Thing. Oh, my God! Where is it? Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God!

All this drama over a turkey burger? Oh, thank God! Oh, you're not Jeffrey. You're that missing baby and boy. Jeffrey! I found that missing baby and boy! JEFFREY: I don't care. (GASPING) Mommy!

The whole reason I started fighting is because of you!

(SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS)

Stewie, you got to get us out of here.

Well, actually, you know when you smell something and it gets stuck in there... and you can sort of taste it? Yeah. Well, I'm tasting you right now and it tastes awful. Truly disgusting, like salty garbage. Yeah, I totally taste it. Oh, Brian, there you are. Look who's here for lunch. Hello, Mr. Woods. Peter tells me you're in films.

Good as new. Oh, come on!

Ahh! ow! Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it.

All right, kids, I'm off to train at the gym. Jeez, Lois, you're really taking this seriously, huh? Well, yeah, Brian, why wouldn't I? I don't know, you've just never really been the aggressive type. I mean, you're usually so measured and collected. I know, Brian, but when I stepped into that ring, I don't know, something happened to me.

You think I liked sitting there pretending to be polite to those people while they talked down to us like that? Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this family always feeling second-best. I want to do something we can be proud of. I want Stewie, Meg, and Chris to grow up with some confidence.

Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy.

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure.

So, you got it all figured out, do you? You couldn't leave well enough alone. You won't fire at me, Chris, you don't got the stomach for it. (LAUGHING) I'm sorry, Dad. I have no idea what you're talking about. Well, it sure is odd.

So what brings you to Kentucky? I'm visiting my family. Ah, family man. Me? Single and ready to mingle. Tom Brunell's the name. Insurance is the game. And right now, the game is very good to me.

No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth! Oh, look at that. Our little boys are becomin' fast friends. I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you? And go get the sifter, so we can build our sand village. That's right, a little further.

Dad, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, hey, buddy. I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and....

What the hell? That's weird. Why do I look like a chick in that mirror? (SCREAMS) What's wrong with you, Holder-Downer 5000?

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money. Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head.

or you're gonna see your whole life will hit the skids and your kids will be born without eyelids Gotta give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando

You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet. We're gonna have a real raging time. Before you know it, we'll be like an old married couple.

(SPUTTERS) Ugh, let's go, Tom. (SPUTTERS) (GRUNTS) Work, damn it. What the hell? What's going on with the news? This is terrible. Yeah, has he lost his mind? Well, I'll be damned. If I knew he was gonna do all that stuff I told him, I would've told him more stuff. What? Peter, you told him to do this crap?

Stewie, shut up. (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.?

Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade. Are you as excited as I am, Tom? Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood and clipped onto this piece of wood is a list of this year's float entries. Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam. And here's our first float.

Peter, what the hell? Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning! Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, oh God! Oh, my God! No, no! oh, Joe, - oh, I am sorry, buddy. - it's ok.

Stewie, there's only one bedroom up here. What? Do you have a brother? Well, then who the hell is... Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house. (SIREN WAILING) Damn it, we tripped the alarm. Brian, the cops are coming. Let's go!

Okay, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, all right?

When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice.

HEy, It's Glen Quagmire, the wacky next- door neighboR. What's he up to this tiME? I'm going to work! Him and his crazy get-rich-quick schemes.

Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.

Dad called you fat. Wait.

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

(SOBBING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) JOE: Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine." Yes, Joe, everything's fine.

He 's a family guy

Propane.

Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on! Psst! Hey, Brian. You want a drink? You snuck in liquor? Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that.

Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Aw! What happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy! I kill him! He cry like a bitch! Vietnam, undefeated!

Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!

Oh, yeah.

I got us a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass pinata, the works! You got all those things?

It was my job to keep the children from eating each other. Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy! Over the next several months, I developed a relationship with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek.

I would be honored. Thanks. And, in other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school,

Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley.

I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

Oh, I had so much fun today, Brian. So did I.

And I Carry it with me like my daddy did if you're going my way, I'll go with you la-dee-dee-da, moving me down the highway

All right, Jillian, since I'm giving you away on your wedding day, I want to make sure it all goes off without a hitch. Now, what are your thoughts on a wedding singer? I thought that maybe I would just DJ the wedding myself. I already made a playlist on this. A box of Junior Mints? This isn't an iPod? Your Junior Mints play MP3s? My iPod is chocolate?

(TIRES SQUEALING) (CRASHING) (GIRLS CHATTERING) Quagmire, I'm so sorry. Don't worry about it. We can go after them. Don't worry about it, they're tagged. Just get me to the airport.

I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago. What's with the big grin? Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh, and I was feeling cocky.

I think I'm coming down with something. Chris, relax. The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen. Really? Oh boy, that's a relief. Now have a good day at school, sweetie.

Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.

Okay, Stewie, time for bed.

Hey, do you think there's directions about starting fires in the song We Didn't Start the Fire? I don't think so. I better go through it all. Stuff, stuff, stuff and stuff History and stuff and stuff People, people, someone's name History and sports Big disaster, someone's name Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff History, someone's name Something I don't know

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

hey, You think you're so hot, fella? Well, at least I can do this. Oh, Crap! Let's do it!

(TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.

You've done your job. It's my turn now. Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this. I want to help you, Peter, I really do, but it's like you're asking a fish not to swim. She's legal and I'm going in. Well, we'll see about that. I ain't afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus. I'm Spartacus. I'm Spartacus.

Course there's a very easy way of detecting fraud. Mr. Griffin, what is your wife's birthday? Uh... Give me another one. Give me another one. Where is your wife's hometown? One more, one more. What is your wife's favorite outdoor activity? Uh... Things an overcoat would say.

Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it! Look here. You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up! Interesting. Indeed. I wish we'd never come here in the first place. Oh, choff!

Whoa! Whoa! What are you gonna do? Kill us? Huh? Oh, no, no. We wouldn't do that. We'll probably just shoot the ground all around you to make you scared. And then you'll jump in your truck and speed off, hit something and do a wicked flip through the air.

and everyone was making up their Christmas lists. (JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS) Question number two. Complete this sentence. "The land of the free and the home of the blank." Home of the Whopper? You've got to be kidding me. Mr. Griffin, if you were truly an American, you would know our national anthem. Now, wait a minute! He is too an American. We've been married for almost 20 years! Well, we hear that one a lot around here.

(DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake.

Son of a bitch.

Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing. Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.

I use it all the time, and the owner has no idea. In fact, he'd kill me if he knew. Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "Years Traveled"? What thing? Here's where Brian goes berserk.

La, la, la, la, la Bop, ba, da, da, da, da, da, da, da La, la, la, la, la, la Boy, you wouldn't guess from that smile that all his kids were stillborn. All right, well, thanks again, Peter. I got to head out. I told my mother I'd visit her in the hospital.

(CLEARS THROAT) which is bad news because it means I have to sit through the Ice-Capades again. Change it to Fox News! It's time for Rhonda Latimer. (SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) Again, Peter? You have a wife, you know. Lois, if it makes you feel any better, I'm thinking about her every time I masturbate to her. And we also want to remind you that Fox News switches to high definition starting Monday.

DISPATCH: All units, we've got a domestic disturbance at Fifth and Maple. This is Officer Swanson responding, I'm on my way. All right, you guys, these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey, so I need you to stay in the car, okay? No joking around. All right, sir, sir, ma'am. I just need you to tell me clearly and calmly what happened.

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Well, you are a baby, aren't you? (ALARMED) Stay out of it. Stay out of it. Well, if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby. (IMITATING WAILING) MAN: Hey, could you keep that kid quiet? Oh, what's that? What's that, sir? What's that? I'm sorry, am I being too loud for you? You wanna come over here and quiet me down? - Let's not do this. - Oh, God.

Aft torpedoes, fire!

Aah! I did it! I got a great story! So, What did your editor say? He was gone for the day. I just left it on his desk. But here. I brought you a copy. Oh, my God! "Corruption in City Hall." This is amazing. Here. Let me see that.

Take that, Orion.

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka It doesn't keep me up at night, but it helps me poo.

Mmm. Looking good, fellas.

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class. I don't really want to be friends with him, but he knows a lot of chicks. And backwards rim shot. (RIM SHOT IN REVERSE)

You smell that? He's passed out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity? Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.

That's it? Fish food? That's your ace in the hole?

Now you got burned! Ha! No bail!

Oh, man! We're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion. And I had named him and given him a back-story.

Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green.

Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan. No! She said no. Should we still do it? Yeah.

The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school?

Yeah, look at the bartender.

Oh, I don't, do I? Well, let me tell you a little story. It was hours after my accident. I was barely conscious on the operating table, but I'll never forget the phone call that changed my life. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of your policyholder, Joe Swanson.

Peter, you remember Coco, my friend from Newport? Peter, I almost didn't recognize you without a towel on your arm. Lois, where are your parents? Don't tell me they're still on safari. You know Daddy. He won't rest until he kills something on every continent. Ha-ha. But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas.

Um, I don't quite know how to tell you this, Mr. Swanson. You're paralyzed from the waist down. I know. Oh, Thank God! Oh! God, I was standing out there for, like, 10 minutes! Whoo! Boy, is that a load off!

Yeah, but you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the third one? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending three movies walking there? That's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest. Well, I'm not arguing that with you, I'm just saying there's a hole in the story. Did you like the movie?

Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births! Sorry, Doc. I-- I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kind of stuff. Wait a minute. Brian, You have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate? A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio. See? I can make up words, too, sister.

Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind

Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun!

Who is the cast of Miami Vice? Donnie Johnnie, Philly Mikey Tommy and Eddie Jimmy Olmos. You are just douchy to the core. Look, whoever the killer is, they had a reason for wanting James Woods dead. Now who here has a motive? Well, according to James Woods, we all did. He brought us here to make amends with us.

No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth! Oh, look at that. Our little boys are becomin' fast friends. I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you? And go get the sifter, so we can build our sand village.

You may kiss the bride. Peter, I'm so happy for the both of them. Hey, I just realized I have a sister. (GASPING) (LAUGHING) Ha! Stand much?

Yeah, well, the thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me and I'm kind of losing control of the situation. Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance. Well, I think it's more than that. So here's the thing, and don't get mad, and that part I can't stress enough...

"Love always protects, always trusts, "always hopes, always perseveres. "Love bears all things, believes all things... (GIGGLING) "...hopes all things, endures all things. "Love never ends. Love never fails." Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8.

Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all! Let's go home.

Lois, where is my Red Bull? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden. (GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no!

from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?

I'll do it. He could have one of my kidneys. Well, we always check spouse records for compatibility. I'm afraid you're not a match.

So, why exactly do you want this separation? Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower.

Ow!

Hey, where's Meg?

Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday. Who did that? QUAGMIRE: Giggity.

Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas. Ugh.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away. Yeah, definitely. Maybe it's a my-two-dads kind of situation? Right. Like they don't know which one was the real father, so they both call themselves Dad. So, wait, were both the guy in the car and the doctor biological parents? Yes. And the guy in the car was the biological father.

Look, listen, Sarah, I can't be in your club. I'm not a lesbian. You can't be serious. We had a whole party planned for you. Really? A party, for me? - But I guess if you're not a lesbian... - Wait, wait. You didn't let me finish. I'm not a lesbian. I'm a super, huge mega-lesbian.

Vote for Peter Griffin! Whoah, Look at all of Lois' signs! Talk about seeing red. Oh!

Feel good about that? Feel good about what you just said? You gonna go, Brian, or should I get the can of pennies? (COINS CLINKING) (BRIAN EXCLAIMING)

Wonderful! The best! Very fancy!

Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh? More like T.P. Party. Toilet paper. I don't know what happened, Brian. Not having a government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we seem to have botched it all up. - Looks that way. - Wait a minute. There might be a way out of this. What? We just talk to the guy who got us into this. He'll know what to do.

A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois. Ok, let's run this scene again. now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that?

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

I smell death on you! Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Permission to come aboard? - No! - Thanks. Hey, Quite a schooner you got here. What is she? Like, a 45-footer?

Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. You've got the song memorized, do you? So does everyone else! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning. The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder. Good night, Stewie. If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands. Itell you....

Peter, Stewie is on the roof. Nick Jonas is so cute. - Hey, Peter. - Yeah. Pillow fight! You bastard! (ALL LAUGHING)

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

I'll say plenty. I can't wait to see the expression on Joe's legs when I open my multiplex. I have to say I'm a little concerned about the zoning for... Peter, are you peeing in that skull? No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ass.

(INAUDIBLE) - We're all gonna miss him. - Tragic.

To the can, because kissing you made me barf.

Please, you gotta help us. They've been lost for hours. For God's sakes, Stewie's only a baby. A search party is being organized as we speak, ma'am. But I'm afraid, at the moment, I'm the only one on duty. Oh, my God! So, you're the only one working these woods, huh? Yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois. It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone.

Could you--Could you help me do it, Brian? Sure, Peter, I'd be honored. Well, I was wondering if I could put a little saddle on your back and ride you like a horsy. Oh, Ok--ok. No, i--I understand. It's too much. It's ok.

Hi, We're from the One World, One People Book-of-the-Month Club. Is there something missing in your life? You know, I just bet there is. Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual! They're in place! God, it gets me hot when Joe lies to strangers.

What was that? Nothing. Stewie, leave Death alonE. He's ok. you know, He reminds me a lot of me at that age. I just hope his teen years go better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward. Oh, baby! Oh, Sandy! Oh, yeah! Oh, Sandy! Ohhh...

(GIGGLING) Hey, honey, you want some salt for your steak? Yeah, sure. (LAUGHING) Gotcha! That's more salt than you wanted. WOMAN: Hello, boys.

Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. Ha! That wasn't so harD. Well, what timE? Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Fabulous! What shall I bring?

Merry Christmas! Easy, lady. You want some of this! Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas.

(SCREAMING)

And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11. Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire. Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down!

Meg, you seem sad. Today's a happy day. I know. It's just that... Well, I really like that guy over there. But he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm a total dog. Oh, That is so not true. Then what is it? He's a eunuch. Really?

...auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING) ...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless. Luke, are you okay? Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you. You're my sister.

(HORN BLARING) Uh-oh, sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home. I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business. (IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter!

Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to... Wait... You didn't want to move in with me? Well, honestly, no. Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through!

That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office.

The keys are in the ignition. Let's go! (ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis. You say that about everybody.

Kevin? He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.

Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here! (HOOVES CLOMPING) Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh? We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn and watch Jimmy Kimmel try. No, thank you, Peter. And even if I wanted to, the TV is out. There must be something wrong with the dish. It's all right. It's all right.

What about the reindeer? (GROWLING) Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards.

Dad, how do you know Neil will show up? Don't worry, Meg. I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse. Strange. These conventions usually have Segway parking. Hello? Am I too late for the tttKA?

Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here!

Th-The phone hasn't rang all day. I kn--I know. There's nothing-- Nothing to, um... To, uh... Um... Oh. Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"! oh, Brian, y-y-you're drunk. You're drunk.

You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert! Can you believe it, Cleveland? Lois thinks I'm bad with money. She's got a point, Peter.

What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?

(GROWLS) (ROARING) And that's why they were such vicious killers. He couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short

We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too. How long is this gonna last? No idea.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, can I put it in my mouth? I guess. This is just an album! Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you. So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards!

I told you not to shoot.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

Hello, Peter. Would you like some cold roast beef? What do you mean? I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. But I guess you had other plans, huh? Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time.

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay! Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been...

(TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.

Sure. Hi, Mom! Hi, sweetheart! Ok, so, you want the full wash and, uh, oh, You've got a nick there. I can get that out for you. Now, if you want to go with a scent, I've got P.B. and J., Sugar Cereal, and New Toy. What the deuce? Hey, Somebody dropped a money clip. Wow!

Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto. H-heh, Lois! How expected. Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you.

Stay away from me! You keep him away from me! Why, you little... (BOTH YELLING) Get over here! I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna... Come back here! All right, that's enough, you two. This is serious. Stop it.

What? Oh, yeah, we're meth dealers now. Yeah, you missed it. My teeth came in and then fell out again. I don't believe this! Are you guys insane? We're rich is what we are! Look at all that cash, Brian. He don't get none of that! He wasn't here for it! Well, this is just great! I turn my back for a month, and this place turns into a drug den! For your information, it is also a drag queen hangout.

What's he doing coming out of Michael Moore's house at this hour? Unless... Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's true! Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh! And I just laid in dog poop. That's not dog poop. Sorry, we've been out here a long time.

you'll always be garbage. Oh, my God! I didn't know Lois had that in her. Hey, is that your wife? You bet that's my wife. Well, I got to say, she's a natural. You know, she could make some serious money as a professional. Wow, you really think so?

There it is! The BBC!

M-m-max, Max, Max,

Nothing. Sports! Birthday sports! No, just sports! Oh. Okay.

Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe this is happening to me. Looks like someone could use a greeting card to cheer them up. I put these on my tab. Here, take a Far Side one. The vulture thinks he's a cowboy.

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that! Oh, This is terrible.

Carter, is this true? Yes, it's true. Oh, dear! (SOBBING)

And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here. Well, no offense to you, Meg, but you're a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

This time it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is? Is it "kitty"? Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING) (GROANS)

Ok.

Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer? (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Face it, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy?

Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean... Oh, hello. Lois, you can't possibly be considering working for Fox News. Well, why not? Why not? Because they're evil, and they distort the truth, and they do the bidding of the Republican Party!

Oh, my. What a lovely room. Oh, And it's so clean. Well, I think the ultraviolet scanning light will be the judge of that. I picked this up on Dateline from that yummy exoskeleton, Maria Shriver. Mmm-hmm, Just as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle, semen!

Look, this isn't even for me. It's for my homosexual lover. MALE ANNOUNCER: Uh, uh, uh. The Bible's pretty clear about that. Hi, I'm Lois Griffin. I have an appointment to see Randy. Lois, I'm so glad you decided to try this. I can't believe I'm a celebrity now.

Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

Good, good, I'm glad you like it.

Anything else I should know about?

(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you. (LAUGHS) He's so bossy. I love it. Well, it was great seeing you, Glenn.

Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one.

So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more?

...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What? You gotta be kidding me! We're not gonna die? No, we're not gonna die! (ALL CHEERING) Wait, what did Dad just say?

(ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that.

That you like me, and you want to be my boyfriend. (LAUGHING) You think I'm gay? Where did you get that? Uh, um... You tried to kiss me. Peter, I'm not gay. What the hell's the matter with you? Look, look, look, let me put it to you this way.

Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said?

I think you're overreacting. You don't understand, Brian. What am I supposed to do without Jolly Farm? I'll be like an Italian mom without bad kids. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is all the commotion in here? We're not doing anything. You getting fresh with me? I'm tired of bailing both of yous out of prison. We're both in college, and we consistently make the Dean's List.

Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and 2 deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday.

(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end.

Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

You're gay. Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.

Stewie's... For Stewie's sake. Well, I'm off to the farmers' market. I've gotta pick up some plutonium for a new return pad. In case I decide to make another universe later. Plutonium at the farmers' market? Yeah, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think globally, buy locally. Hey, slut, get me out of this.

You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

Oh, my God. Movable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord? Nothing. Back to your turnips. Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta. Wow, Mom. You look pretty.

So, let's go see the U.S.A. They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee

We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did. I found my baby book! Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. And, The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake. You see, Meg? I'm the favorite!

(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe. Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Sorry. I just farted.

(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here. Yes, I am, Lois, but where? Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO.

(FANS GRUNTING) Give me $6.

That's how this weekend came to pass. Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker, thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life.

You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman! Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!

(CARTER HANGS UP) All right, so how are we going to spend our winnings? I'm going to get some supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous. I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'! I'm going to get a floor mirror to squat over and see what's making all that noise. Okay, everybody just calm down.

I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty. Oh, Stop. No. I--I'm serious. You could, You could be in magazines. Y-You could! You--and--And not just like Jugs, or--or Creamsicle.

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it.

Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token. This thing's got to be worth 50 grand. 50 grand? Oh, my God! I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

But it looks like Nicole Ritchie's baby is gonna be just fine. Also in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking with less than 19 hours to go before our planet is consumed by an expanding black hole. As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it.

If anyone asks, I shot him. Got that?

No, no, no. I'm gonna send it to voicemail, then call him back, but pocket-dial him while I walk a few blocks. JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello? I'm getting very little work done!

(MUTTERS) (SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.

Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out!

That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again. We got a big tournament coming up next week. Well, hurry back, handsome. Oh, Peter, this is so much fun. I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about. Just like Carly Simon.

I'm gonna stay by your side all night. All right?

No, and it's getting to be a pain in the ass. I got no money. I couldn't even afford to get my hair cut yesterday. That'll be $5. Sorry, lost my wallet. But I already cut your hair! Well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now. That son of a bitch. And then I got pulled over for speeding.

Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.

And I'm Joyce Kinney. Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary.

Wait, wait, wait! Shh-shh-shh. The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah! Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is? Uh, that'd be kind of awkward, huh? Hey, maybe we should just cut off her leg and count the rings. Yeah, or maybe try carbon-dating. I don't know what that is.

I've been careless with a delicate man And it's a sad, sad world When a girl will break a boy just because she can I'm broken.

I built it myself with supplies I got at the Home Supply downtown. Between you and me, I think Joe's got a little free time these days. I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months. Peter, you just whispered that to me. Shh. Here he is. Joe, what a great job you've done here.

Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards! I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee!

so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy. You kidnapped the Pope?

Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down! Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital!

We've been searching these woods for weeks. We've got to keep looking. He's got to be out there somewhere. Oh, my God, we're in Canada.

Here I am in a committed relationship, and all I can think about is having a piece of Navy cake. "Hello. Who's that on the phone?" "Temptation!"

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off. Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive.

Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there.

Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy! (BARKING) (ALL SCREAMING) DREYFUSS: Now, he said, "Sic them, boy." But what I heard was, "Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans "who aren't as bitter as they should be." Glad I could do my part.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) (LIVELY '20s-ERA MUSIC PLAYING) Roarin' twenten tidal waven! (ALL SCREAMING)

Just because your breath reeks of rotten Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to. - Ugh! - Ugh!

Peter, Play with this. Look Sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again, and down here in small print it says, "He's signing it. He's signing it. "I can't believe it."

I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't. Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings... - Manet, honey. - What? It was actually the Manet exhibit. Not Monet.

Sick bastard. This is it, Brian. My plan for world domination is about to come to fruition. (ALARM BLARING)

Come on, mate. One more before the missus notices I'm not snoozin' on the couch. Too late! hey, Careful, Quagmire. Don't--Don't get too close to that thing. Ah! Ugh. What the hell? Did I just get laid? Nice game, Peter.

Ahh! ahh! AHh!

Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well! Joe, you promised. It's Christmas.

It's a pheasant!

So, how'd Susie like your video? I don't care about her anymore. I'm in love with Bryan Adams. Peter, I want you to promise me you'll never do anything that stupid again. Lois, after what you did for Joe, I'll promise you anything. How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand?

Goodnight, everybody.

Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling?

Wow, Peter, a free gas card. This could save us a lot of money. Yeah, everyone except Brian, 'cause he bought a Prius. What a dumbass! (ALL LAUGHING) What? What? What'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? (LAUGHS) Brian, you suck. What the devil is in here?

Pelican's Reef, huh? Then, that's where I'll go. 'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge. Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore.

Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe.

Not really, Peter. You were preaching honesty, friendship, courage. And if you manage to inspire even one person to embrace those values then you are a success.

She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.

None of them serve breakfast all day. Do they have beer? Hey, Brian. In hopes that you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross. No, I don't want a crucifix. Would you want it if I threw it over there? No. Please don't do that. You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. Go get it, boy. (BARKING)

From this room, we can see the entire world's joke supply. This way we can tailor jokes to where the need is greatest. Sir, we have a best man giving a toast at a wedding, and he is just bombing. Put it up on the screen. Jim's so clumsy, it's like he's got two left feet and left hands.

They give him a wide berth, but they don't let him out of their sight. Astonishingly, the driver makes a left, right into an asteroid field. What are you doing? You're not actually going into an asteroid field. Well, it's either that or go into the strawberry fields. Hey, you know what I'm getting into? Is one-legged chicks. Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg?

So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right?

You know, I got to be honest with you. I-I only have another week and a half here and i--I have completely checked out. Oh. Yeah. Well, what should I do? Um, Chef?

Also, Peter told me in the hall. (CHUCKLES) Peter, I'm not so sure about Billy staying here with us. What are you talking about? He's hilarious. I don't know. Listen, just leave it to me. I'm great with animals. You remember when I lived with those ants? We're working on something.

(GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian.

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.

Oh, Look. Here they are. My family. you know, Guys, I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. High 5! Anyone? Anyone? You can't die! Who's gonna take me to the Father-Son dance? Listen, I've had a good life.

I shall break one window. Uh-huh. Look, Lois, it just seems to me that this isn't necessarily the healthiest thing for a woman your age to be doing. (GLASS SHATTERING) Brian, I'm 42, I'm in the prime of my life, and this is what I want right now. You're sure about that? (GLASS SHATTERING) Meg, go make your father some flapjacks. (SIGHING) Okay, Mom.

You've never touched a drop, Peter. You don't even know those guys. Those are your friends over there. Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here.

It's quite bland, I assure you. And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today. And now, new Lady Scream in a Box. (WOMAN SCREAMING) Finally, a scream that's right for me!

it's probably the right thing to do!

Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth. You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. (CHUCKLES) Joyce, you know we don't talk about that on the air.

I am quite finished.

There's only one solution It's in the Constitution We've got to pull the plug There he is! Quick, Peter, grab the video camera. All right, all right.

Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish!

That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend. That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer?

Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational! What's that mean? It's fully functional! I still don't get it. I'm 5.

Missed, you ass.

Well, I'm happy for Meg. Why, because she finally has somebody? No, because she finally has some lines. (BOTH LAUGHING) - You know you're my closest friend. Really? Yeah, we can't be more than six inches apart. (LAUGHING) The first one was enough.

Now, here's my post office key. I need you to go downtown and get the stuff from my PO box. You don't get your mail here? No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands. Like what? Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year. You know what? No. That's it. I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg.

Good news! I have just enough. ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) Now departing for Providence. Hey, did you guys see O? No, that seemed lame. You know, the other you was a lot more fun. Which one is O? Is that the swimming one? Don't try to demean it. How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?

Nerds. No, I just read the back, where it's printed in French. You speak French? Sure, they love me in France. - Oh, Quagmire! - Shh! Quagmire! Silence! C'est Quagmire. (CROWD LAUGHING)

What the hell? Hey, pal, what're you doing? This is our bar. Not anymore. Horace owed more than this place is worth, so it's the bank's now. I'm sorry, but The Drunken Clam is permanently closed. Closed?

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.

Oh, my God! Come on, Meg! Get out of the car! Like the kids say, up your nose with a rubber hose! Whoo!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) QUAGMIRE: Hello? Hey, Quagmire.

Peter, You can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game.

Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me. But unfortunately he's not available. So I got his younger brother from Growing Pains. Will you guys buy me a case of Sudafed? Don't you want to tell Brian about Jesus? They got my picture up at the drugstore and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while.

Yes, Yes. I rather like the sash, But do the Huggies make my ass look big? Peter, come on! You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?

Well, we're finally going home. I'm sorry I tricked you into that job, honey. You deserve to have a more excitin' life. Oh, Peter. Being married to you gives me all the excitement I can handle. I mean, look at us. On a boat, in the middle of the Atlantic, under the moonlight, surrounded by refugees.

She's r--She's right over there in the back. N-no--No, to the left. No, you had it. No, go back--go back. Jeez, got a freakin' monkey working the spotlight! No--no--no, To the right, genius. Th-There. Stop! Stop! That's my dream girl. But I'm not good enough for her, and she dumped me. So now, heartbroken,

MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING)

Now apologize. Ok. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air.

Why, This is the music of the angels!

The matrix formed in a day.

I think we may have identified our blunt object. It's very important award. Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work.

Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye! (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) I'd like to have a beer with him. I'm voting for him.

I mean, she's a woman now, Brian. So sophisticated, so grown up, and she says she wants a grown-up man. But, apparently, that's not me. (SARCASTICALLY) You think so? (SPRING BOINGING) (LAUGHING) Who could forget that one? Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy, here to tell you about a new CD offer.

The family band? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band. - Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.

So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green.

I have to say I'm really liking the new you an awful lot. An awful lot. (SNICKERS) What are you doing? I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex?

Time to sign off.

You ok? Whoa! Everything's so significant! Dude, you gotta try this! Not even! It's got your germs on it. Not this end.

Now you're having fun 'Cause we're in the aisles Even the bad guy is singing along They're singing right near me, so it's a great musical.

and I never made it out of the house. Who's to blame? Who's to blame? What's his name? We know his name His name is Mr. Booze

Peter, how could you sell our house in quahog without even asking me?

I know. I love coming here because you can just sit here and people-watch, you know? Oh, oh, look at this. Look at this guy. Look at this. What is that? What is he doing? Just standing there, smelling his hand? "What is that? (GIGGLING) "What is that on my hand? Is that barbecue sauce? (LAUGHING) "When was I near barbecue sauce?"

I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here it isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS

We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next. Did you have the "shuffle" button on? Oh, my God! There you go. That's why that little symbol with the two crossed arrows is up there in the corner. There's your problem. Oh, my God! I feel silly.

(GASPS)

What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.

Oh, Peter! Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch. Thanks, honey. Oh, Egg salad? Have a good time. I'll try.

Woodstock's over, assholes.

Charles Montrose, after all these years. Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the... the, uh... You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion.

It's like, why can't you just hang out with guys? You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

MAN: You make me hurt you!

Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button!

Look, buddy. Just go in the pan. And don't call me unless you're flatlining. Hey, hey, Turn that T.V. off. Hey, nurse? Nurse? What would you do for a Klondike BAR? Would you stand on one leg? SurE. Would you act like a monkey?

Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason.

Peter, you shouldn't encourage people to be fat. Fat people are immoral. How do you figure, sports fan? They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason. He was fat and he was bad. One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention.

I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)

No, Luke, don't run downhill! You're going to jail, punk!

Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby. What? What did you just say? Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois.

Wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it. I heard he bought it from his dad. Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it... one time when he was a freshman. undefinedDoesn't his dad live in Hartford? " think so. My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's part underground. That's awesome. Damn it, you guys are boring the crap out of me.

I think we should all go together to pick Meg up. She's probably a little fragile after being in there so long, and I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces. I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian.

We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

And then he made me clean out the fridge in the employee lounge, and the employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted. I don't know what's in there! That's it! Peter is completely out of control!

Okay, how about you, Meg, how are you doing? Pretty good.

Stewie!

- Hi, we're on the list. - Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West. Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West. That's what I said. No, I'm him. Then sing one of your songs.

What's going on down here? Uh, We're playing house. That boy is all tied up. Roman Polanski's house.

And apparently, it's Leonardo da Vinci. DA VINCI: Boy, I'm sick of the pizza. Well, we've gotta stop Bertram. What are we gonna do? Don't worry, Brian, I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm a genius. Like Thomas Edison. Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting. (LOUD ZAPPING)

What's with all those empty seats? Well, that's where the audience is gonna sit. Audience? This isn't a sitcom. It's a drama. Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom. It's not supposed to be funny. It's a serious drama about a single father raising his four-year-old daughter. Oh, right. That's the other thing. Now, this is just a thought, but we're doing it.

Maybe it was Diane. (SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce. I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30. But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines!

He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But.... But I.... You....

Stewie, what did you do? Looks like He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. Oh, My God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house! I am the worst mother in the world! Ah-ha! I got it all on tape!

Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and." My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took...

This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah!

Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey. That's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

What? All I have to do is make one call to a friend of mine in Washington, and he can push your paperwork through. You'll officially be an American citizen. Not good enough, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I want citizenship for everyone here. Peter, you do not have to do this.

Hey, hey, hey. The Easter Bunny is here. Happy Easter! Peter, what the hell are you doing in that? Have you been drinking? Not since I got out of the car. Who here thinks they can kick my ass? Peter, you are not gonna ruin this seder. Now, get out of here!

I gave her "New Car." Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! Oh, my God! NO! It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say,

I tell ya, he was fun at first, but now I'm not sure I can take much more of him living here. Well, Peter, you've more than paid back your debt to him. I mean, what did he do? He got you a hood ornament. If you ask me, it's time for him to go. Yeah, you're right. Plus, the sooner we get him out of here, the sooner I can get back to my cocaine and dollhouses. (LOUD SNORT)

(IMITATES GUN FIRING) So are these toys just, like, to take?

What the hell is Gatilsday? Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.

I was hungry. You want one? You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you just bitched yourself out of a bite. All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please? All right. - Can you give me a caramel one? - No. You can have... Um... Um...

You know, guys, I've been thinking.

Yeah. That's where seniors hunt down freshmen and nail them with paddles.

(LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it. Ah! Ah! Well, I told you to stop. I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan? - I told you to stop. - I taste blood.

Hey, how you doing there? Listen, uh, I couldn't help but notice you across the parking lot and, uh... You know, you're-- you're very attractive and, uh... You want to go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex? Chuck, it's me, Morty.

Whoa! Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears....

You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you.

You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked! Do you even hear yourself?

- In the past 20 years? - Yes. Is it Richard Mulligan? Yes!

Oh, dear. Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles. Oh! Here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep. Oh, my God!

(SOBBING) (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Lois! Mom! Geez, what the hell's her problem? Peter, she was already feeling insecure about her age, and then you went and gave her that horrible speech! I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. I'm King Stewie! I rule with an iron fist! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Look at me! Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Road House.

Oh, my God! Neil! Is it Neil? Ha. I've been calling him Ned all week. Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker. ahh!

We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian!

PETER: ...the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word

We were gonna go get her passport renewed. Oh, Chris took her into his room about 10 minutes ago. What? That whore! She's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan. (ROARING)

I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy.

(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing. I know it's different than you're used to.

Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy.

Can I feel those boobs? No! Daddy! What are you? Sick?

Oh, my God! I want to watch this, but I got stupid dialysis at 3:00. I am so sick of this crap mucking up my life. Well, Peter, I mean, what, you can get away with skipping one treatment, right? I mean, that's not gonna kill you. Yeah, it's probably just like missing an antibiotic. You just take the next one. Yeah, you're probably right. Besides, it's Charles in Charge. JOE: You know what I like?

Ah, I've seen better.

I have a hard time with small talk. Did you find everything you were looking for? Eh, I did all right for a guy who just had his first homosexual experience with his guitar teacher.

Okay, which one's red? Press the big button!

You're some kind of deep thinker, aren't you?

Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah. It's so clear you can even see Ellen DeGeneres' breath. Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out. Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot. How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood? What the fuck? Did you eat pussy backstage?

I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop?

Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm. How are we supposed to stay calm? There's a killer in the room! We all gotta get out of here! We're all gonna die! Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together! (SHATTERING) Wait a minute. Joe, look!

I'm sure you have something to say to that. Mmm? Oh. Oh, God. Sorry. Can you give me the line again? Not the whole line. Just the end of it. Aw, l-l-Let's cut! All right, y-y-You're sleeping with which producer? God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost!

(CHOIR SINGING)

That place is riddled with goat flu, so I'm gonna home school you kids. Oh, okay. Dad, where'd you get this car? I borrowed it from Quagmire. He's not home 'cause he got abducted by aliens last night. So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that... No, that's more or less been retired. I see, I see. Do you still have the thing?

- What? - Um... The mail came a little later than usual today. Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go. Wait, hang on, hang on! Did I tell you about that over there? Stewie, I can't physically see what you're pointing at. I'm getting off now. Bye. Well, your loss, Brian. That thing over there is pretty interesting.

No way. Get the hell out of here.

3. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and 2 dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other.

Hey, Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs? I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?

Cleveland, sit down. I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.

W-w-Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet. She freed Willie Horton, she nailed Donna Rice-- - Peter, that's enough! - Eats babies. Peter! Peter!

Aha! James Woods made a list of all his misdeeds so he could make amends. Bonnie, he punched you in the throat, and that's why you sound like that?

Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies! Peter? Do it. Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest. Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. (THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING) Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail.

Oh, no. All right, you know what? You're not loosened up yet. All right, let's do some warm-up exercises. Okay, this is one we call "Going Bananas." Okay. I'm a banana I'm a banana Peel the banana Peel the banana Now go bananas! Go, go bananas! Go!

Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!

I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. What? Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh, My God! That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. May as well drop the formalities,

(RETCHING) Ahhh! Meg, you're here early.

I faked all my orgasms.

Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm... Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater?

I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

I never was cut out to step and strut out Give me the simple life Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant Those things roll off my knife Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes

so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

Hello, Santa. Now, we've got a slight problem here, because I have been rather naughty. But you're a businessman, I'm a businessman. I'm sure we can work something out. Wait, what are you doing? Santa? You can't leave now!

I got a bad feeling about Suicidy. Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah!

Jeffrey! I found that missing baby and boy! JEFFREY: I don't care.

CLEVE: Fuck that. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus? (MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled? Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

I'm gonna put a stop to this.

But the lucky one was me. And from there, our romance blossomed.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch?

Why in the world would I want to do that after what you just said? You're obviously not the person I thought you were! I never want to see you again! I can't believe I thought you were special! Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do? Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him. We had sex. We had sex!

(CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face. Hey, whatever happened with that art school? You ever gonna take another crack at that? Look, I'm going to do a rally. I'll be back in an hour. A rally? Sweet. (CROWD CHEERING) The days of despair and hardship are over!

Is everything set, Meg? Once Chris gets up there, my friend in the A/V Department will take care of everything.

It's a girl! With a penis and no vagina. No!

You know, because of that, I had to use the little pig people's bathroom. All right, start the torture. (WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYING) Where have all the cowboys gone? (SHOUTING IN DISGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off! (HAN SCREAMING)

(GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

You balanced our checkbook? Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition Met the greatest earthquake ever known

For a sailor who can pirouette on cue well, Despite your point of view I can thrill a girl or 2 But I'd rather get it on with you Sorry to be tardy to the party. Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight?

But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE. I just have to stay off it for a few days. W-w-waiT, you can't stay herE. Why noT? You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper? Oh, It's ok, Death.

We know we're gonna puke, but Joe says, "Hey, let's go see Chronicles of Riddick." Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Peter one, Jesus zero.

(EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good, then.

I mean, that's not how he said it, but... You know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's... I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um... I don't... You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know? 'Cause I mean, what else is she doing right now?

Because if the circumstances were such as you have described them, but with me in them,

It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?

(ALL GASPING) And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? Because I'm your son and I'm tough. I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? You're cute. Done.

Griffin Peterson and his shipmates finally reached the New World.

You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm! You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street.

Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that? I've never seen anything like that before, a croissant with almonds on it.

by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society. Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover. That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow.

You're not helping!

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!

(GUN FIRING) He got the shotgun, Brian!

Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.

Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

Oh, okay. Wow! MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway.

I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the wor--" Ahhh!

Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that? No, don't. Here you go. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it.

Yeah, someone should write "wash me" in the dust on that flat ass. (BOTH LAUGHING) Move over, funnyman Richard Lewis. We got Richard Lois!

(LAUGHING) And I've been sampling the nightlife out here. I raised River Phoenix from the dead, then we went out to the Viper Room, and he OD'd again. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

I--i--I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! i want to live again! Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. Merry Christmas!

Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? (LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY) Yeah! All right! (WOLF-WHISTLING) Money! Whoo-hoo! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy. All right. Call me when you blow all your money. Love you, bye.

Meg, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys. Thanks, Daddy. And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God. And if you're sorry, he'll forgive you. Thanks, Dad! Good for you, Peter. But isn't there someone else you should speak to?

You promise? I promise. Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools!

I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired! Yes, but I think the more important question that sometimes gets ignored is what about the separation of church and state?

Hey, everybody. Guess what I am? Uh, The end result of a drunken backseat grope fest and a broken prophylactic? I'm on the flag-girl squad! Oh Honey, congratulations. Hey, Chris, I bet you can't do this. Ha! I bet I can! We perform at all the football games. I'm practically a cheerleader.

Our daughter hates me and it's all because of you!

And they said because of their faith, they don't believe in medicine. Mom, I think there's a lot of religions that do that. Well, that may be, Meg, but that poor little baby has cancer, and they're just gonna take him home and pray over him? Well, that's what they do. They believe that disease is just an illusion.

the first thing they do is round up the Jews. Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.

Now, don't take it like that. Some of them are all right. But you know what I mean, they're all over the place. How about me, Tucker, am I all right? Well, of course you're all right.

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year.

(RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (GASPS) Peter, what was that?

Move it. Hey, One of you guys all right to drive? Um, Yeah. I can do it. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on. I'm very disappointed in you.

Luke Perry is suing us? Dad, how could you do this to me?

PETER: Goodnight, honey.

Oh, w-Well, I, uh... it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I... "Look at me! I'm Joe! "My legs don't work but I make up for it "by having a very strong upper body!" Well, I do say that. Oh, The Old Man and the Sea.

I mean, I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is down there. It's your... It's your project. Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you? Who cares? You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do.

I just think it's presumptuous. I mean, come on, "The country's best yogurt"? You know, prove it. Show me your data. MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

No, no, I have no idea. Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is? Uh, that'd be kind of awkward, huh?

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

Sorry. I ain't chicken to spend the night there! I ain't neither! And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight! See you there, pal! You can't stay in that house! Old Man Selberg's ghost still haunts it.

Oh, Peter. BOTH: Mmm. Peter, what... What are you doing?

All he cares about is work. Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together. We can start our own father-son business. hey! What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy? Pop, why you gotta be like that? We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines. That's my boy.

It's time to make life a cabaret! Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help! You there, child woman! I'll give you a shiny new dime if you'll roll me into the nearest lake. Let me see if I can find you a juice box, K? And get the lead out, pudgy!

Mr. Doctor? If you get shot in a rap feud... can you perform surgery on yourself? Well, no, Chris. My degree's in optometry. All right, Dr. Ditty. I got three choices for you for the name of the band:

You're just a no-talent punk! Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! All right. Well, here's a little something in return. Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh! That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you?

That's never happened before. Morning. Jeez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you mean? Aah! Don't you see what's happening? Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset.

Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM)

God, it's good to see you. Good to see you, too. How's my dog? I'm... I'm sorry, your dog? Oh, I had to give him away. Gave him away! - Well, Dave's allergic. - Dave! All right, so there's a Dave. That's great. God, Dave sounds great. Yeah, he is. And his parents are so sweet.

oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality. You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills!

Isn't that a little bizarre? And then we dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us. SUSIE: Today, I saw a balloon. Briggs' FBI profile says the only relationship he's maintained over the years is with a stripper named Tanya. Tax records show she currently works at a club in Atlantic City. So that's our first stop.

You know, I appreciate you letting me stay with you, but I'm perfectly capable of going to the bathroom by myself. Sorry, but there's a leash law in this neighborhood, and you never know who's watching. (EVIL LAUGH) I'm watching you make stool.

What do we do? I know what I'm doing. I'm getting out of here.

(GRUNTING) Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead. (WAILING) Wow, that was dramatic.

Look at me! I'm an Iraq War vet in 10 years.

Oh, crap! This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness. The hell I am!

This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome. Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut. Actually, you know something, Peter, this could be an opportunity for you. What do you mean? Well, Lois's dad is loaded. You could probably get him to pay through the nose to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter.

Dad, I need some advice. I need to know how to get a girl to like me. Chris, buddy, there's a million ways to do that. You just got to do something simple, like Vincent van Gogh. It's.... What is this? It's my ear. Do you like it? You don't like it.

Ah, This is it, pal. We're goners. Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship. Me, too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway... Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger.

Well, Mel Gibson, this is one piece of crap the world will never have to suffer through.

Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that? (IMITATING ENGINE NOISES) Come on, Stewie. We're going. Just a moment, Brian. I'm pretending I'm a fireman. I love playing pretend.

I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count? One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here. All right, then, it's settled.

"I'm sorry, Byron, missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Go ahead, Professor Watkins, fail me if you want. Give me an "F" on the exam. I don't care because I got an "A" today, as a dad. Maybe this is news to you, but love isn't some element on your periodic table. So, you know what?

Peter, are you crazy? Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia is one thing, but this is a multi-million-dollar film. And he's a very powerful man. He could have us arrested or--or killed. It's worth the risk, Lois. To save the world another 2 hours of torture.

Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING) JOE: So, what's the story, Quagmire? Do you observe any particular Japanese customs? QUAGMIRE: Oh, yeah, I'm very in touch with my Asian roots. You notice I take my shoes off whenever I enter my house. PETER: Oh, yeah. I do five hours of math homework every night even though I'm no longer in school.

You must throw your arm out on every play. Any other softball-related questions? Yeah, I got a question. Can we leave our bad-for-the-environment Styrofoam coolers behind when we leave? Yes, you must leave them behind, and they must be in a crumbly mess so that the city clean-up workers have to chase the little bits when the wind blows. You know, Stewie, this is actually a good park.

(GROANING) Oh, you got me. Let me see it. No, no. It's gross. Let me see it. No. No, I don't want to gross you out. (GROANING) We are in so much pain, right now. The two of us. Okay, that was real! Hey, hi. I'm Private Stewie and this is Private Brian. We both got shot in the foot,

Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way. All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys.

Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

Well, I guess it is close to dinner time. Chris, Stewie, you hungry? (YAWNS) What are you looking at? You going to propose? What? Yeah, exactly. "What?" Eyes front. (ENGINE SPUTTERS) What the hell?

Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille!

Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

(SIGHS) Got to get the energy up.

You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself, and you have to go and make me feel foolish. - Look, I didn't... - Save it, okay? I'll be waiting outside under the porte cochere. It was my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things. I'm not having fun anymore. I feel you should know that. (LOCK CLICKING) What was that?

Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus.

(GARBLED SINGING) ...up a brand new day

Ugh!

We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.

Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen. Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please. No, no, no, no, don't--don't use that mustard. Use the other mustard. Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there. Quick, scrape that mustard off. Use the other mustard! Oh, no. The burglars got my baby. I think they're making a sign to tell us something.

This is too freaky. Why didn't that thing take us home? I don't know! I told you, it hasn't been fully tested yet. Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure.

Come on, Peter. I think Anthony wants some time alone with Meg. Who doesn't want some time alone with Meg these days? Right, Meg? Has anybody ever told you you're pretty enough to be a movie star, Mrs. Griffin? Oh, my goodness. Well, I don't know about that.

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir.

Oh, you're a funny guy, Griffin. I like that. Well, you should hear my prank phone calls. Hey, is your refrigerator running? MAN: Yes, it is. Are your doors unlocked? What? Why?

Hey, Brian, welcome home! How was your book signing? Jeez, Lois, could I have, like, five minutes to decompress, please? It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold. I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster!

Wow, 18-year-old Lois. Son of a bitch. (MR. NIGHT PLAYING)

(GUNSHOT) What the hell?

Ugh!

Oh, no. I'm not a member. I'm their chaperone. Chaperone? Yeah. Uh-huh. We're in that section right over there. Hey! There he is! It's Brian Griffin! Damn it, Randy. You just spilled my juice box.

Good. Now, we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one. Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer. All clear? ALL: Yeah. Yeah.

Luke. Yeah. Luke? Yeah? Wait. Luke Skywalker? Yeah. Oh, my God! This is so stupid, I was trying to call Luke Adams. His number is right next to yours in my helmet. So, how's everything been going since our fight? It's good.

We blew up the Great Wall of China, bombed the Eiffel Tower,

(THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over. $100,000 worth of damage. All thanks to that stupid horse of yours. Look, can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.

What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building. This is his house. And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have, my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down.

All right, this is good. In and out of this house and onto the next one. What about the reindeer? (GROWLING) Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards.

You know, whatever's on. Look, Peter. It's your favorite show.

MAN 2: Wait a minute. What's this? There appears to be an interracial couple making love on second base. MAN 1: The crowd's enjoying it, and it looks like the umpire's gonna let them finish. CLEVELAND: (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite. MAN 2: There it is! MAN 1: I'll tell you what. This would be painful to watch if you loved that girl.

All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you! Well, I think your father found the perfect job.

Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?

Good one, Peter. That's what they're for, all right.

STEWIE: Um... What's the matter? You never been down the slide before? (STEWIE SCOFFING) Yeah, like, a thousand times. Just done it so much, I'm bored with it, that's all. All right, I guess we're doing this.

Thicker! Well, Meg has the mumps all right. How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal? I never got a mumps shot.

Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart.

Hey, you guys want to enter the darts tournament? First prize is free drinks all night. Well, we'd love to, Horace, but there's only three of us. JEROME: Did I hear some sorry-ass fools in need of a mother-loving fourth?

(ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy. Oh, my God. It was him!

What do you say to that? Hmm? Aah! How dare you! Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you retched, filthy pervert. Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no T.V.? So He failed a class,

(GASPING) What? Oh, my God.

Stewie, you want to swing? Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. Ooh, Damn! Must've pulled something playing hoops last week.

How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store. I remember you face.

Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter. Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious. And another thing... I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? Go to hell! Come here! Get over here! Stay away from me! You keep him away from me! Why, you little... (BOTH YELLING)

We just watched that one with the little goofball who thought he was going to be a doctor. I can't believe I'm actually meeting you. You know, the news is so much better with you on it. Well, you know, Lois, I'm on my way back to the station after lunch. I'd be happy to give you a tour. Oh, my goodness. That'd be wonderful.

Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time. Yes, Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers. OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today."

Peter Griffin, Nielsen family. Listen, did I catch you at a good time, or are you and the critics busy yanking each other off right now? - Excuse me? - Look, your show is really boring. But don't worry, I got some ideas on how you can jazz it up. Listen, I don't need your suggestions, pal. I've been a big celebrity for a year and a half now. Okay, if that's how you're gonna be.

Oh, my God. I'm starting to think Brian was right. Maybe I have been blinded by my own stupid vanity. That girl is nothing but trouble. Are you gonna tell Chris? I guess I'll have to, but he doesn't take bad news very well. Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died.

Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!

Where are my flapjacks?

because of some wacko doomsday theory.

(EXCLAIMS) Huh. That was kind of cool. (YAWNS) Been a long day, Lois. Long day. Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed!

It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you!

Hey, Chris, was school any better today? No, I hate it. I never want to go back! Oh, come on, it'll get better. You just have to find your place. Let's go, Stewie. Time to change your diaper. I'm not worried about high school at all. Worst-case scenario... I'll carve out a niche as the effeminate male friend of the popular girls. Okay, tonight's my OCparty.

I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for nine years.

Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew! Room service. I didn't order no room service. It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here!

Thank you Neil, for that incredibly irrelevant presentation. We all know Capt. Picard is the superior officer.

Well, I think I can.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, and this is News...

What the hell? All right, fellas, bring the lights up a bit, play the CD I gave you and let's do this! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, that's right. You like that? (CHIMING) WOMAN: I have $50,000. (CHIMING) I have $75,000.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!

Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a... Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk. Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, Brian.

It's like there's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world,

(ALL CHEERING) Let the dumping resume!

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word

Duck, duck, duck... I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off during the verdict. Goose!

Aw, go-- No. No. No seriously. What's his name? Dick Armey. Pthht! Oh. Oh, I just got it. Hey! Hey, Armey. Hey--hey, What's your wife's name?

It's him!

Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.

And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?

Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg. So, I'm sure I can take a... There he is.

Everyone, this is Brian. Oh, this is Brian. He does look like Ben Affleck. He looks just like Ben Affleck. - Is that Ben Affleck? - Hey. So, how did you guys meet? I'm a friend of her dad's. Ooh, he's older. He's cute. Do you have a brother? Make-up and stickers and ponies and myspace.com.

(MAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) You put some fake poo on the floor... Oh, no! Get out! Get out! Scat! This is more like it.

I had to book it the day of my ultrasound. We'll never find another place in time! Oh, For once, it was all gonna be so perfect! Aah! Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect. We'll give him the best birthday ever right here in the safety and comfort of our own home. Peter, we've been over this.

Where's the don? The don? I don't know what you're talking about.

Ha! All right. Ok, Bonnie. 1, 2, 3, Push! Yeee! whoa! Oh-oh. Ah! Whoa! Ahhh! ugh! My God!

Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York... it' s Sa turda y Nigh t! TV HOST: It's Saturday Night Live.

Damn right, you don't. Could be a possible breakout if we play it right. All right, Karina, we'll try it your way and see what happens.

That's J. Private Planington. He invented private planes. He was also the world's foremost squid hunter. I've got a lot of big ideas, too, but everybody's just so jealous. Boy, this is nice. I wonder what the inflight movie is? Joe, it's a private plane. There is no inflight movie.

Come to my mouth.

Why aren't you? You're all right, Griffin.

Brian? I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II. (SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God! (GRUNTS) I wonder...

What about shutting the hell up?

(MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)

Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range.

Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was!

and, uh, Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman. Well, We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil. Honey, good news!

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, surfin'... (SINGING GIBBERISH) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right?

If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom!

Holy crap!

(DOOR CLOSING) BRIAN: Peter, what are you doing? I'm not going to family night. PETER: My agreeing with Lois was just pure theater. Come on, we're jumping off the roof. BRIAN: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves! PETER: Don't worry, we can fly. I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy. Either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner.

Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you?

I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy. And I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market. Boy, this is really going to upset my evil brother, Thaddeus. Yeah. This will surely affect my inheritance.

I was just nervous. Tonight'll be better. Tonight? Honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight. gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman! That's a house.

What are we supposed to do with these? They're supposed to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit. (COUGHING) What's the matter? That wasn't oxygen. That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath.

Did I do it? There he is. Crap. Daddy? What's going on here? Brian here has stolen something very important from me. Give it to me, Brian. Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, but he won't release it because it's not profitable. So I stole it.

I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother. (LOUD THUMPING MUSIC) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) So, what do you think, Carter? You having a good time? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm very uncomfortable.

Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power!

Boy, you can take a punch, but at the same time, you cowered a little bit. Now, that's a woman. (CHUCKLES) I love you, pussycup. I love you, too. Now, let's kiss while the camera pans over to the drapes. CARTER: Good stuff happening over here.

Oh, Give it to her good, old man!

I did not! Forget it. What good is a car if I have no friends? I didn't wreck T.V.! My dad did! What? What'd she say? Peter Griffin ruined T.V.? And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard. Peter, take that thing off and come home.

Am I... Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

(CHUCKLES) They are kinda funny. We all got one.

I'm nine years old and I'm Indian.

that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!

Aw, Don't cry, sweetheart. I'll--I'll make it up to you.

Peggy? Yes, Mr. Griffin. That fart I have at 3:00, can you push that up to now? Very good, sir. (FARTING)

It's time for you to leave. I can change. I can change. I'm sorry, Peter. We're done. We can never talk again. Here's a cell phone so we can always talk.

Wow, cool. Hey, Chris, come here. What? Why? Just come here. What is it, Dad? Does it feel like the water suddenly just got warmer? No. Oh, that's right. It's pee that makes it warmer. Peter, the water's rising fast! We gotta get outta here! Hang on, Lois. There's a case of beer in the fridge. I can't leave that behind.

Peter, you already do nothing around the house, and now you're wasting more time with this nonsense. Geez, you're still getting on my hump about this? I help out around here.

The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.

But the more that I know you the more it's a good fit Now we've got what it takes to be very best friends

Damn it! Oh, This is awful!

That Guy! So, uh, What's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad? "Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch? Don't you remember? You gave me writers. "Sir, I don't want to say you're rich,

You want like a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building. Nah, nah

Bye. Okay, that was weird. That was weird. Right? Oh, my God, so weird. I tell you something, if he touches my daughter, I'm gonna be kicking butts and taking names! And then giving those names to other people whose butts I kick. (GRUNTS) - What's your name? Derek. What's your name? (GRUNTS) Michael. You're Derek now!

That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.

What the fuck happened?

I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for? Because you brainwashed our dog. Hey, listen, sister, I just... (FARTING) I'm sorry. Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking.

That was very good, Peter. I know! (CELL PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) Geez, that's all my life is lately, just a bunch of chores. I'm sick of Lois always making me do stupid stuff. I know what you're saying, Peter. Bonnie's always making me do all these impossible household tasks. BONNIE: Joe, make sure you get all the tire tracks out of the carpet.

Peter, that's it!

That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler. Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed? Coincidence? What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner? Patrick tried to kill me. Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. Lois! Okay, okay. Oh, my God! Peter's out there with him! Wait! You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

Well, I admit after a long day at work I don't always come home with that "Riunite on ice, that's nice" mentality. And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me? Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!

O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia." B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia." E as in "Everybody loves Robert Loggia." R as in Robert Loggia. T as in "Tim, look over there, it's Robert Loggia." Space.

We'll do the best we can with Meg Are you saying I'm ugly? It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub your feet oh, That's not necess-- Oh, my. We'll do your homework every night It's really hard.

I was in a folk-music trio.

I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal? Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water. No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God!

He's... He's dead. Okay, well, either way, I'm getting paid and somebody's getting torn open.

We can't leave. It's almost halftime and we all pooped in the tuba. (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) (TUBA PLAYER EXCLAIMING) Okay, we can go. (SPRAYING) (SPRAYING)

Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm somebody now, you know? I don't have to lie to people about my life anymore. Oh, I am so happy for you, Peter. What the hell happened to you? I fell down the stairs. Oh, you should be more careful.

Hey, Meg, try and guess the word I'm thinking of right now. And it's not "kitty." "Car." No. I don't know. "Apple"? No. Give up? Yeah. It was "kitty"! Peter, isn't that-- Oh, My God! The new video! ohh! Life is sweet!

Well, either way, we gotta get out of here.

New York can be pretty harsh, especially to outsiders. Hello, New York!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

I'm sorry, guys, but it's my job. I got a family to support.

Chris! Stop this travesty right now! So, Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Oh, thanks, Peter. But Joan is all the foot I need now. What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue... No, no. I'm okay. Hey, do you have any idea what I went through to get this? A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter "with the Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?"

It's about damn time!

Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!

Well, you could have an abortion. There you go, Lois! We abort it. Send it on up to Dale and Naomi. Hell, they're probably waiting for it anyway. If they left their mittens here, you wouldn't keep them. You'd send them back. Abort the thing. (SIGHING) I don't know, Peter.

What you did just now was pretty ballsy. Really? Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team. That's a winner in my book. Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady. - Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah. - Can you move your legs? - Yeah!

Give it up! How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store. I remember you face.

Peter, what is that? Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect. I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. "I wish I could escape to a place "where this movie couldn't find me," and then... What the hell are we waiting for?

Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Giggity! Platinum-plated silverware Just one day when kids don't stare It's all I really want for Christmas this year!

Mr. Swanson, find me a first aid kit! Mom, hand me those towels. Did I hold on to the ball? Hang in there, Dad. I'm gonna get you fixed up.

Boy, you look a lot better from the back. You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

There's my little Lois. What? Lois?

(GASPS) Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah!

Well, I am gonna change. You hear me, Meg? If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Well, whatever the case, thank God. Yeah, I know. Oh, hey, I brought you something from da Vinci's workshop. A candle? I can get a candle now. You couldn't have grabbed me one of his original notebooks? You know, I didn't have to bring you back anything. It's almost like you didn't.

Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. Now we're just waiting for the bees. (CHUCKLES) Giggity.

Before I post the cast list my choreographer and I wanna thank everyone for auditioning. You were all great. Weren't they? I only wish the show was called The King and Us, so I could cast you all.

(SINGING FASTER) Then all at once the trouble started A pack of murderers and thieves Like swarms of locusts they descended Their aim to make the town folk flee

Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah! (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Suction cup feel good! (GIGGLING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) And of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.

If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself, and now nobody makes those jokes anymore.

(MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table. Be cool, be quiet, be quiet.

Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall. Very nice to meet you. Big fucking deal. Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her. Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go.

Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought. Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! What are you watching? Meet the Press, it's really weird.

(ALL CHEERING)

One of these days, she's gonna wake up kilt. Ah, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims. No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good, then. Friends, family, and characters random, to bring you joy and laughter in tandem,

Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye. Shall we?

Be, uh, you... You should be a producer. A producer? Gee, I don't know. Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! I'm the king of the wor--

I'm sorry, honey. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No!

I'm sorry, Jesus. But my house, my rules. Up yours, Joseph. You're not my real dad. (BEEPING) (RINGING) Hello? Hey, Dad, it's me. Listen, things here aren't working out anymore. And I was just... I was wondering, can I come live with you and Janet for a while?

(MUMBLING) This is everything about... It's The Clam, I love it. I was just gonna... That's exactly. (STAMMERING) Hey, remember... Remember when... Remember when Quicktime here passed out in this booth, this booth, and we did stuff to him that you do to ladies and we promised we'd never tell you.

Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

Ahh! I am so fucked!

Briggs' FBI profile says the only relationship he's maintained over the years is with a stripper named Tanya. Tax records show she currently works at a club in Atlantic City.

WhoopS. I recognize that tone Tonight I sleep alone But still, this house is freakin' sweet

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous!

It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit.

and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.

Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best... I got it. I got it... Hey Peter, Your dad stinks. I'm working triple shifts and I'm still not Employee of the Week.

Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you. I don't think this is gonna work. Of course it will work.

He stole my trikie!

Hey, Peter, check out my new trampoline! Whee! YEah! Whoa mama! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Jeez, Cleveland. That must've set you back, huh? Wha--What'd you do? Sell your body to science? 'cause, you know, I thought of doing that.

Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're gonna get hurt. Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job. Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good.

My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that.

(KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams, and he'll think we've already changed. Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy!

(DOOR CLOSES) (ENGINE STARTS) Hey, buddy, what happened? She gone? Yep, I'm off the hook, Peter. I told Charmese I was gay, and now she's gonna consent to a no-fault divorce. That's brilliant, Quagmire. It's the exact opposite of what Hugh Jackman does. Pretend you're gay to get out of marriage.

"Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.

is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values

(YELLING)

There's a chick who's kind of Persian And a broad with zero fat And a giant human monkey Oh, no, wait, that's Spencer Pratt

We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around.

Dad, I don't smoke.

Oh, jeez. Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg. Glad to have you. Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work. Now, let me just go over a few basics.

Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman? You wanna see a picture? Look at this.

Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God!

You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident. Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said?

I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and.... Do you sell pants? Hey, Meg, what's with all the beer cans? My dad got a job at the brewery and he gets lots of free beer. Actually, he's kind of been going overboard lately. - Oh, my God! - Hey, Meg, you seen my pants?

I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie. We're a gas family now. You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle? You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman. (PANTING) Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here. I can! Aquaman, help!

Welcome to the quahog Dog Show. Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits. Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this. Do I know you?

Unless I saw a script first. Of course. You know, This isn't bad. It's kind of like Bang the Drum Slowly, except the drum's a chick.

LOIS: Peter, can you come down to the laundry room? (SIGHS) Son of a bitch. If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt.

Didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet? I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. (POPS MOUTH) Peter, this is serious. Let me see that. A big screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets... Peter, someone has obviously stolen your credit card.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Second-degree burns, first-degree fun.

We can't go to Virginia, Peter. Bonnie and Lois planned that couples' weekend to Maine. We're supposed to leave in the morning. Yeah, Peter, we've looked long enough. Maybe the joke doesn't have a source. Don't be stupid. Somebody had to have made it up. And we're going to find out who.

A whole straw penny? Indeed. Follow me.

Me, either. I'll be sure to write. And I'll be sure to learn to read. And the next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of uS. ah, It's so nice to be home.

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there!

It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired. Look, a wagon wheel. What the hell is your problem? I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Good night, losers. Well, game night was a success. Peter, you do know that all your questions were incredibly easy. Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons.

TOM: Good evening, Quahog. Tonight, Channel Five mourns the loss of a dear colleague. My moustache. And as per the wishes of my moustache, his ashes were sprinkled off the coast of Acapulco, where he was born. Well, that'll do it for us here. Thanks for watching Channel Five, the most trusted name in news.

All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini.

they'll produce Shakespeare. Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"? "Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works. Oh, I like that a lot.

What the deuce? Of course! It seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence. Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone

Well, let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. Ooh! Hustler magazine. I finally get to see what a vagina looks... God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in. Nah, that's okay.

Yes I do, Gerardo. This great land should be everything to you that it is to me. A land where a man is paid a wage he can live on. A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck. All right, all right, you make your point.

See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that,

Here he comes. Get down. He's in. Hey. What are you doing here, dork?

Aah! Let's get out of here!

Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. "Today he was out in the yard raking leaves.

(GROANING) Not cool. But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff. You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. I have, too! Remember when I dated the Count?

It's not my thing. Come on, Brian. All you gotta do is a few simple commands. And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby.

Have you ever heard of a phenomenon called time dilation, Brian? Sure. No, you haven't. Time dilation, in forward time, is a phenomenon caused by a variety of factors in which time moves more slowly. In reverse time, it stands to reason that the same phenomenon would cause time to accelerate. I'll have to consult my quantum calculations to try to isolate the factors responsible.

Ahhh! Salad!

Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead! Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!

I can only surmise that you and I were isolated from its effects because we were inside the machine at the moment of temporal inversion. Are you sleeping? Huh? No, no. No, I was listening. What kind of jerk alters time, and then falls asleep? Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it?

(SCREAMING) He can't hit us if we keep moving! (STUTTERING) Can you not?

Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.

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