Hey, it's got to be 5:00 somewhere, right? (LAUGHING) Okay, fine. I'll make you one, you tell the story.
He can be such a nudge.
So, anyhoo, I remember that day like it was yesterday.
I'd gotten a haircut earlier that day,
the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything.
So all of a sudden, we get these orders.
And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet.
I remember the sky was a majestic orange. Yeah. How's it going?
Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here?
Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys.
Lucky for me, huh?
No, a hobby's good.
All right, Peter, your time's up.
Oh, man, already?
Yup, come on.
(GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career. Sorry I'm late, Lois.
Peter, what are you doing here?
Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it.
I've missed too many other opportunities.
There he is. Took you long enough.
Just what we need.
Hey, guys, I'm coming in.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
Oh, God!
Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. That would be most good, Newland, most good.
I am sorry, but she is just awful.
I-Is there any way...
I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene, or somethin'?
(Director) Uh, Yeah. Really?
Yeah.
We can? Oh, Great. All right, we got a movie.
Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of control, we get to see your butt.
YEs, uh, Yes, you do.
Can--Can we see it right now?
Um, welL, uh...
HA, All right, HITLER.
Oh, oh! He's going to do it!
if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler,
call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!
Look, Peter. all you gotta do is sit there. Hey, Lois, when are you gonna do the laundry?
I got, like, six parachutes in there.
Peter, those things are choking up the washing machine.
So now I got you a bad washing machine for Christmas.
Little tip, Stewie, love dies, and that's okay.
I write down all his advice in a little notebook.
Yesterday's was, "I've never seen a pigeon die "from eating food on the ground, so what's the big whoop?" You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex?
Chuck, it's me, Morty.
Yeah, 'cause we could... What?
Yeah, they had me painted.
Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel?
No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know.
Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley, but I really think he'd want to be considered for this.
Yeah, the thing is, for this roll,
we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome,
but who is not actually handsome himself!
Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him.
Yeah, I think he'd be right, too.
The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine, Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay,
I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home.
And I don't mean the classy,
"Maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys.
I mean those big,
"Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys, Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down.
- Uh, Peter, I'm not sure that that's--
- Not now, Lois!
Ok, c-c... Ok, Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax.
Relax, relax.
There you go.
There you go. Ok.
Shh-shh-shh.
It's ok. It's ok.
It's all gonna be ok.
Peter, you better do your C.P.R. Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key.
Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk,
weren't we, Lois?
We've been getting better acquainted.
All right, well, just give me the key, please.
All right, Peter, I'll get it.
Don't put a gun in my back.
I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key.
LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years. You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here,
so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay.
(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Excuse me? Brian, let's just go.
No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on.
You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane.
I said, I can't.
- Eat it. Eat the damn steak.
- No.
- Come on! What are you waiting for?
- I can't.
- Eat it, Joe. Eat it!
- No, no, no.
Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry!
Where is it now, huh? Where is it now?
Easy, sailor, easy.
Put the gun down, Joe. Is that it?
Uh, No, uh, this is it.
Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball.
because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum.
What might be right for you,
may not be right for some.
You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that.
I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?
Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Brian, could we really?
Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business.
Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know.
I'm going to be on television.
Great.
Yes.
When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
"Yeah, well, good luck with that."
Yutz. Uh, No, uh, this is it.
Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball.
because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum.
What might be right for you,
may not be right for some.
You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both, and there you have my opening statement.
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word So, What were you wanting to work on? Cardio, upper body, what?
Upper body, definitely.
I--I need to get buff so I can get my tricycle back.
Luckily we're running a special right now for the next 17 minutes.
Ok, That's a little unusual, but, uh, ok, tell me.
Ok, The normal plan is 78 months at $40 a month, and $200 down.
Watch this. Forget the down. Are you Watching? 5% of the country has.
Well, yeah, you forgot "want it,"
which is such a big part of the book.
I mean, but you know, then again,
you just said you haven't read it, so, you know...
Actually, since I said that, I did read it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say,
aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? Hey, Quagmire, you know you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes?
Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry. You want me to talk to him?
Well, no, actually, I want you to tell me the joke.
Yeah, tell us the joke.
You want to hear it? All right.
So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and...
(INAUDIBLE) Well, yeah, you forgot "want it,"
which is such a big part of the book.
I mean, but you know, then again,
you just said you haven't read it, so, you know...
Actually, since I said that, I did read it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say,
aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?
I mean, your book Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage,
say hello, but don't drag your ass,
'cause I want to go the reptile house.
Oh, And we got to see those pandas.
Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison.
Quagmire, what are you doin' here?
Ah, It's conjugal visit day.
You know, I love doing a woman in the can.
Who else but Quagmire? What is it, Dad?
What, you haven't heard?
Fuck!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
Name six more.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,
Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Name five more. Tracy, Jean,
Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.
Go fuck yourself. Okay, everybody, time for paintball.
I forgot to pick up the paintball guns.
Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office.
Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house?
All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared.
All right, one, two, three, go! Oh, look, Cleveland finally made it.
Oh, hey there, Griffins.
(BARKING) CLEVELAND: Oh, that takes me back.
Hey, what are you, a robot?
Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio.
Wow, I never heard of that before. Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!
Kids, keep it down.
I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT.
Who said Marguerite?
Peter, it's just for a week.
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no,
no, No! Please, God, kill me now.
No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter! I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT.
Who said Marguerite?
Peter, it's just for a week.
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no,
no, No! Please, God, kill me now.
No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter! Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie...
No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too.
Stop punching me.
Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now. So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me?
What?
You know, where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys take turns. You know?
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
BURGLAR: What did she say?
She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.
Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. Cadmium?
Sorry, tungsten.
Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got?
Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?"
Oh, God, I always get these.
Okay, all right, fire truck.
Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks?
Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything. oh, Joe,
- oh, I am sorry, buddy.
- it's ok.
Are you ok? You all right? Look, It's ok.
It's Ok, I'm fine. Oh, boy.
Everybody's fine. Oh, That was scary.
Peter, what are we doing here? Trust me, Quagmire. Oh, my God!
Peter, get in the car!
Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?
I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?
It means that he'll--
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool.
Yes. You go to Maple Street,
and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh...
Ok, so you want to party or what? All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right.
So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck,
but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.
So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina,
so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.
So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, Attention, everyone, mail call!
Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook,
World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.
(ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy.
All right, at ease, at ease. All right, who votes yes, 9/11?
(MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins.
Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number?
Why is the total an odd number?
Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.
What? What do you mean?
I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit.
But wait, if one of me is dead, ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead,
followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour,
followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner,
followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases,
followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride,
followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets,
followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore,
followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear, Hi, Naomi.
Hello, Lois. I want you to meet my husband, Dale.
Hi, nice to meet you, Dale.
Dale?
All right, I guess, but I'm doing you last.
Joke's on him, I only got two in me.
Lois, this is such a lovely home.
Oh, thank you.
Peter and I did it ourselves on a shoestring. His wife cheated on him, kicked him out of the house,
and he doesn't seem at all affected by it.
He's probably bottling up his emotions. That's not good for you.
Right. I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out $200 for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward.
I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"?
No. A "B"?
No.
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P? That's straight porn.
Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right?
I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up.
Gay men don't watch straight porn.
You lied to me, you son of a bitch.
No, no, I'm gay, I swear!
Here, watch me, go there.
Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston! (Director) Uh, Yeah. Really?
Yeah.
We can? Oh, Great. All right, we got a movie.
Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of control,
but I don't know what to do.
I'm just hooked on the rush of shoplifting.
I haven't felt a thrill like this in a long time.
Well, I think you've had enough thrills.
Why don't you just put everything back, huh?
Uh, Ok, Brian. gods!
Yeah, thanks, right. Hey, We're recording some tracks in Boston next month.
You should, uh, come on by.
Oh, We'd love that, Chaim-- I mean Gene, you big rock star.
Bye.
Ah, Wow! Such a small world.
He was a nice boy. And he's still nice.
Listen, Lois, uh, what I said before... Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic
Come on, Barbie, let's go party
Ah, ah, ah, yeah
Oh, boy, this is going to be fun.
I haven't made a crank call in years.
(GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing.
LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp?
Yes. Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
Name six more.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,
Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Name five more. Tracy, Jean,
Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.
Go fuck yourself.
What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill, Well, Hey there, little boy.
Are you loST?
Now, listen to me,
Jolene.
I've got an army to raise,
and I must get to Nicaragua.
I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal.
And no pickles!
Oh, God help you if I find pickles.
Henry, I have a lost little boy.
Well, Hey there, little fella.
Why don't you come with mE?
No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you? Death! Oh, thank God, you're here!
Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois.
Man, it's been a busy day.
Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton,
shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident,
and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.
Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight?
I figured Scott Baio... Yes.
Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I can't wait to see the movie.
Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight.
Oh, hey, Peter.
Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me?
I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois. The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars.
What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say,
"Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"?
You're not getting to me, man.
You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.
Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage,
'cause in that show, he was playing himself,
an asshole. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn.
You should totally flip him off.
Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off.
Hey, up yours, you jerk!
(HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Hey, I'll call you back after the fight.
Yeah, me, too.
Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours. Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law,
it is still my right to choose what I do with my body.
Well, the law is wrong, Lois!
Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this.
Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it?
No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn.
Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves. Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, no shit!
You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.
What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, la-dee-fucking-da! And then when I hear that car coming up the driveway, I just go berserk.
I mean, you know, half the time, when you go to the market,
I just assume you're leaving forever, and when you get back,
I realize I have no idea how long you've been gone, and I...
Well, you know what, I'm... I'm rambling. I...
Would you like some more champagne?
I'd love some. I thought we lived in suce a nice small town.
There's no such thing anymore, Lois.
Things are A Lot different than when we were kids.
Well, It just makes me sad.
Hey, It makes me sad, too. But, uh, you know.
I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris.
And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it.
Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all. Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story,
uh, true story.
Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going,
bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam!
Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.
Bam, Bam, bam!
And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah."
Bam, bam, bam!
You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Well, how...
Uh, well, how much are our tickets?
Well, for this, this is a first--first-class cabin.
It's, uh, 25 bucks.
Wow! And we're the robbers.
Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach?
Uh, $12 for coach.
Well, he's a senior...
You know what? That-- That's fine.
Just give me 2 coach tickets.
All right, thank you. STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?
Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets?
Sure, Brian.
Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers!
Well, all right, maybe just one.
Cherry.
Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! 
