- He was on the cover of...
- No, no, no.
- ...People magazine when the movie...
- No, no.
- Everyone knows...
- No, no.
- ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose.
- No, no, no!
- It was a huge movie. He was the lead.
- No, no, no, no!
No, no, no...
(BRAYING) Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, no shit!
You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.
What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, la-dee-fucking-da!
I guess we got some kind of joker here! No, no. No way.
Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous.
- She's not hideous.
- Oh! Well, let me ask you something.
- Does she have an alibi?
- For what? Why would she need an alibi?
So, you're saying she does not have an alibi.
Well, no.
Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi.
She ugly She ugly
U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly Everybody that works in an office is gonna say to their coworkers,
"Hey, type in 'dog, baby, heinie lick.' Check this out."
And then the boss is gonna say,
"Hey, what are you doing there?
"Oh, yeah, that's funny. I saw that in my room."
"Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'" Uh, I'll--
I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um,
you know, become infected.
Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty.
Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your--
Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it?
What's your name, you little--
Ahh! Oh, God! I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?
Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.
Now, look, Brian, there's a difference between being concerned and being overprotective.
Now that's a dad talking. That is a dad talking, Quagmire. Oh, hey, Hogzilla. You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?
No, I haven't.
Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor.
When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way.
Last night, for God's sake, you farted.
I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car. B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning. He knows every dirty joke ever written.
Then that's the guy we got to talk to.
Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people,
'cause we are going to Washington, DC.
Now, wait a minute, Peter.
Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend,
and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase.
Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here, LOIS: Oh, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts.
Oh! My chest hurts, too.
Oh, my God.
Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack.
Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too.
No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack.
Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious?
Oh, we should get you to the hospital. Lois, my darling!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing?
This is Lois, Peter's wife.
How can I even think about trying anything?
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? STEWIE: Hey, Brian, it's me.
I got a question for you.
Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage?
- No, right?
- No.
Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian. Right, Peter?
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)
I'm Peter.
Well, let's eat.
You must be starving, Peter.
What am I, on trial here?
Maybe you should just eat something, Peter.
Go on, put some food in your mouth.
Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God! Fuck!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word I think, still, yes.
Thank you, Peter.
All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with?
A very pregnant Gina Gershon, or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Oh, hey, hang on, hang on.
Look, you know, I know this is a men's club,
but why does it always have to be about sex?
Okay, look, how about this? How about this?
Who would you rather start a small business with? Yeah, the thing is, for this roll,
we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome,
but who is not actually handsome himself!
Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him.
Yeah, I think he'd be right, too.
The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine,
but who has never actually shined.
Not one single time! They also get food, cake,
and your choice of ice-cream flavors,
vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people.
What was that?
Chocolate. Now, Give me the check.
Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place,
but I love my family too much to risk their lives.
Come on, Chris. We're leaving.
Oh, No, you're not! Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up,
The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real,
FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Okay, well, how about this, Mahmoud?
You know "progress" has the word "pro" in it, right?
Shut up, Joe.
Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink.
What are you having? How about a ginger ale?
But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom.
Isn't he great? No, he's weird. MALE ANNOUNCER: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than 100 grams of sodium?
Uh, uh, uh.
Keep going. Not that one.
Uh, uh, uh.
Not that one either.
Uh, uh, uh.
Nope, not that one.
Look, this isn't even for me. It's for my homosexual lover.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Uh, uh, uh. The Bible's pretty clear about that. Yeah, well, you know, take that.
Which actually brings me to my next point: uh, Your wife's cheating on you.
What?
Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story,
uh, true story.
Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going,
bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam!
Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.
Bam, Bam, bam! that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing.
Phil, Phil, just open it... Unlock the doors.
You don't have to put the key in the ignition.
Well, open the driver's side first.
Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then,
and there's nothing we can do about it.
Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm.
(SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go. From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises!
You know what you are? You're a candy-ass maggot!
You find something funny, maggot?
Sir, no, sir!
You love the Middle Ages, don't you?
Sir, yes, sir!
The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it?
Sir, yes, sir! It's no reason to give up on your sex life.
I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore.
Besides, it gives me time to try new things,
like that time I tried wearing adult diapers.
Hey, Lois. Hey, kids.
Oh, boy, that smells delicious.
You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you,
but I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at... Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
I don't give a shit about you.
You know, we could just leave you here.
Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great.
We're in occupied Europe,
and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.
Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.
(CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian.
Don't you mean your assneck? Said the same thing about that Bill Murray elephant movie,
but they were just, like, "Oh, the audiences need you."
You make me physically sick to my stomach,
and I wish that you would get a heart attack.
I totally feel you, man.
Truth of the matter is, I don't like my movies either,
but, man, they just keep offering me money,
and I do it, and then I get to go around the world.
I mean, did you see Sahara? Hey, guys, I'm coming in.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
Oh, God!
Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this.
You jackass! Now you've done it!
Idiot!
I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in.
All right, Peter, you can stay, but I mean, that's what Bradley does.
I don't know, we really need somebody,
who has not been the best thing in anything he's ever been in, ever.
I mean the kind of guy who can get overshadowed by Zach Galifianakis or Ed Helms.
Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley, but I really think he'd want to be considered for this.
Yeah, the thing is, for this roll,
we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome, Stewie, honey, time for bed.
You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.
Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water,
I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake
and hold your head under till the bubbles stopped!
Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice.
You know, Santa's watching you.
What the devil do you mean, "watching"? When I clenched it, you took your fingers away.
You were right to do that.
Oh, my God! (BOTH GASP) Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ew!
No, no, this is my sister.
Ew!
No, no, no, I'm impotent.
Ew!
I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself.
Ew!
I mean, she's a man. Ew! You might need a hose, eh?
Jose, Roberto, whatever.
If you've got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great.
No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh?
Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate,
but let's deal with first things first.
Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh?
You have cash, eh?
I don't know, my name carries a little weight,
but I don't see how that matters here.
Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car, So good to see you, Barrington.
Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald?
Huh? Huh? Where we going today?
You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald?
Pewterschmidt, settle down!
I was having a nice conversation with Peter.
Peter, why don't you tell me more about your job?
You said you like to drink at work?
I do. Oh, me, too!
Me, too. I'll drink anything. Even that hollandaise sauce. Give me that. (SIGHS) I wonder how long it's gonna take.
I don't know.
Hey, hey, you know what we should do?
We should put on some '80s music,
and then, like, every few minutes,
have him come out of there as a different sex, and we'll go...
And then, like, the fifth or sixth sex, we'll go like this...
This is not a joke, Peter, okay? Hey, I thought maybe we can go get some coffee later.
I don't think so.
Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh?
- Who's a good boy?
- Me.
Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy.
But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry.
Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later. Do you or do you not know about the bird?
Oh! God!
'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.
A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Look, just go to sleep, all right? Oh, my God, you did a porno?
(SHUSHING) Please, please, please do not say a word to anybody.
I have never told anyone that, not even my husband.
I promise, I'll take it to the grave.
But, oh, my God, Lois, that's hilarious!
Do you have a copy?
Oh, no, that movie's long gone.
Like the original ending to Grease.
(WE GO TOGETHER PLAYING) but I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.
PETER: All right, ready? All right, one, two, three.
Okay! Easy, easy, easy...
Easy, easy... Wait! Wait, wait...
Stop! Stop, stop...
What? What, what?
- No, no, no. Twist it.
- I am.
No, no, no. The other way.
Which way? You're twisting the wrong way. Hey, Griffin, down here.
Yeah, it's a secret tunnel like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop.
Want to fight about it?
Look, here's your first week's pay.
All right, CHRIS!
Dad! Dad, look!
T-That's great, Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here.
I'm real proud of you, champ. Let's go get a milkshake.
You got it, Mr. Drummond. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy.
Ok, so a couple of things have gone wrong.
But we can still have a great Christmas.
Ah, jeez, Kids,
You know, I was this close to losing it.
But your mom's right.
Well, sure I am.
Meg, honey, get me some paper towels.
Let's lose the bad tidings, Hey, Lois, want to make out?
Yeah. What do you think of new sexy-lips Peter?
Yeah. This is your life from now on.
Enjoy it, lucky wife.
I tell you, boys, this is a victory not just for my anus, but for anuses...
Oh, hang on, I got to go pee.
That's a lot better. So, anyway, this is a... All right, who votes yes, 9/11?
(MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins.
Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number?
Why is the total an odd number?
Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.
What? What do you mean?
I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit.
But wait, if one of me is dead, Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets?
Sure, Brian.
Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers!
Well, all right, maybe just one.
Cherry.
Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! Spidey, can you swing us across with your web?
No, I can't swing you across.
And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey.
I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey.
Yeah, close friends.
- What's your name?
- Peter.
Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.
Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.
And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man,
so how do you think I feel? His wife cheated on him, kicked him out of the house,
and he doesn't seem at all affected by it.
He's probably bottling up his emotions. That's not good for you.
Right. I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out $200 for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward.
I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"?
No. A "B"?
No.
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P? They also get food, cake,
and your choice of ice-cream flavors,
vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people.
What was that?
Chocolate. Now, Give me the check.
Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place,
but I love my family too much to risk their lives.
Come on, Chris. We're leaving.
Oh, No, you're not! Yeah, I mean, I know you through our mutual friend, Greg,
but sure, I'd say we're friends now.
Exactly. And as your friend,
you'd want me to be honest with you, right?
Totally.
It wasn't good.
Oh, no, really?
Oh, I worked so hard on it.
Oh, I thought it was good. Oh.
I know, I wanted it to be good so much. Ooh. There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're cool."
Joe, I think you're cool.
Well, thank you, Brian.
That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work.
"No, just kidding, you suck."
No, just kidding, you suck.
STEWIE: "Queer." Queer.
(SIGHING) Well, there goes my smile. I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers.
I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin.
What?
Meow, Meow, meow, meow, skin graft!
Meow, meow, meow, meow!
Oh, My God!
That's right, all dead. All right, I think you're going soft.
I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up,
or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"?
Hey, I got a lot on my plate, man.
I'm learning to use the toilet, I'm learning what shapes are.
I spent half an hour laughing at my own feet yesterday.
Yeah, you're losing it, man. You're losing your edge. Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you.
Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah?
Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh?
Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.
I don't fly, you know.
I take the subway like everybody else.
Oh, And people don't stare.
You make me puke, bitch. Dad? Excuse me, Chris,
I got to talk to Mr. Pupenchest here.
Good day to you, Mr. Griffin.
Say, listen, my wife and I appreciate how nice you've been to my son with all the puppets and whatnot,
and we wanted to invite you over for dinner.
Oh, wonderful.
And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No, it's too dangerous, especially with Derek Junior on the way.
ALL: Aw!
(LAUGHS) I know, I know, it's a little early to announce it,
but you're all friends,
except for one of you, who's killing the rest of us,
but everyone else is our friend.
Oh, congratulations, Jillian.
I know. Okay, get ready for this.
Hey, hey, hey, gang!
Everybody line up for a "Triple H,"
a hug, a handshake or a high five, your call.
Lois, hug, you got it.
Stewie, hug, two in a row. Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of control,
but I don't know what to do.
I'm just hooked on the rush of shoplifting.
I haven't felt a thrill like this in a long time.
Well, I think you've had enough thrills.
Why don't you just put everything back, huh?
Uh, Ok, Brian.
You know, you really are a good friend. Uh, Can you help me with these damn studs?
Aren't you a little over-dressed?
Oh, well, I... Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's.
There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and,
well, i'm--I'm trying to nail the flautist.
Oh, Stewie! You're adorable!
Yes, Yes. I rather like the sash, no, No! Please, God, kill me now.
No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter!
Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
I do.
You bastard.
I love Aunt Marguerite.
Because if it wasn't for her,
I never would've met you, Peter. Full of what? Estrogen.
Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy.
Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane.
I said, I can't.
- Eat it. Eat the damn steak.
- No.
- Come on! What are you waiting for?
- I can't.
- Eat it, Joe. Eat it!
- No, no, no.
Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry!
Where is it now, huh? Where is it now?
Easy, sailor, easy. Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Peter, those aren't your kids.
That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
That's Street Fighter.
Red, blue, green.
Those are colors. Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano.
And I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream.
Really?
Yes!
Wow, You know, since money's getting tight,
I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids.
You know, like--like Jokingly at first,
but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and--and if you were cool with it, then, uh, you know,
we would go from there. But This is a much better idea. Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.
That's not who I am.
Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy.
Brian, shut up!
Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, Oh, Chris, my baby!
Hi, Mom and Dad.
Everybody, this is my wife, Loka. We're married.
Well, maybe here, but not in America, where God pays attention.
Now, get your things together. We're leaving right now.
Mom, I'm not going anywhere. I'm happy here. I'm back from space, everybody.
You got lucky, Peter.
How was it, Dad?
Mind-boggling, Chris.
Barreling around the Earth at 5 miles per second,
watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan.
It's indescribable.
Plus, I had lots of time to masturbate, which, in space, is great,
except after a while it's like living in a snow globe.