Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about?

The Messiah, he's gone. Where did he go? Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!

I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your gray lung. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt-marsh cutworms. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning. Come to bed! Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

This corn is special. So, tell me about those knockers. Is that just, like, implants, or did they reassign some ass fat up there? All right, I'm out of here. (DOOR SLAMS) I wonder if I could push mine inside. Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone! I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry.

There's a maniac out there. He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes, and slitting their throats.

Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.

Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting. (LOUD ZAPPING) Brian, look!

We must be early. Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.

A soup kitchen, Dad?

Can't you just come in here? No, I'm busy! (CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh!

Surfin' Bird is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci jr. High cheerleaders. is everybody pumped up? Gimme A d-u-s-t!

Holy crap! No way. No freakin' way.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought.

Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker. Well, I know who you are. (LAUGHS) It's fun to see how people react when they're on the spot.

When are you gonna get rid of that stump? I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right? Just get off my back! She's gone. We can finally be together. But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground. We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

I'm here, Dad. What is it? Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead.

Mr. Nubbins. Mr. Nubbins.

Hey, Meg. I heard what happened. Yeah, Kent hates me now. You made a mistake. I know you feel terrible, but you're not a bad person, Meg. You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so. All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night.

What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery. Marcia, I've done it.

Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

(COINS CLINKING) (BRIAN EXCLAIMING)

Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea? Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.

My life. That's what's wrong.

TV HOST: From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem... it's show time at the-- What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.

(I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.

Oh, Your mother has her ways. She has her ways. Can I have the blueprints to the Demico housE? Sure. Here you go. Now, I've put together a little flash bomb to create a diversion. I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake. What's Whitesnake? That's the music mommies and daddies listen to.

Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.

Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!

I'm frightened. Let's go.

" wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.

Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing. Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV!

Oh, my God! I want to watch this, but I got stupid dialysis at 3:00. I am so sick of this crap mucking up my life. Well, Peter, I mean, what, you can get away with skipping one treatment, right? I mean, that's not gonna kill you. Yeah, it's probably just like missing an antibiotic. You just take the next one. Yeah, you're probably right. Besides, it's Charles in Charge.

(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I...

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?

Quiet, Lois. Men are talking.

There's a whole man around it that you have to please. Ugh. Fine. Here. (SMELLS) Quagmire, what's going on with you? You don't seem very present tonight. Why are you so tense? I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes! Well, if it's so much of a chore. What the fuck is going on with my life?

f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps.

It'll rain.

Will you just tell us about Peter's tests? Ok, Ok. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.

Hey, it's got to be 5:00 somewhere, right? (LAUGHING) Okay, fine. I'll make you one, you tell the story. He can be such a nudge. So, anyhoo, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I'd gotten a haircut earlier that day, the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything. So all of a sudden, we get these orders. And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet. I remember the sky was a majestic orange.

I'm sorry, honey. I guess that things have become a little stale for me. I--i--I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, i--i--I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you?

I'm handing you a beer. You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here! That's better! So, I'm shaving last night at this make-out party. I took a bunch of pictures. You can see them on my MySpace page,

Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!

You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights. I'll take the one on the right! Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.

How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual. Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now,

People are gonna remember me for this.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. (LAUGHS) I mean your daughter's in a coma. Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter.

Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.

Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold. Duh!

Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING) All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut.

We're not sinking. We're crashing!

I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now. You okay? Yeah, babe. I got to pee, but I don't want to move. I'm so comfortable right now.

Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party. (ALAN LAUGHS) Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude.

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food?

(IN MOCK INDIAN ACCENT) "Would you like some change please, for you?" You know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable. Oh, my God, look! Quick, into the bathroom! We're gonna have to come up with a way to change your appearance. Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears. I'm already standing in urine, and I hate the person I'm with.

ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game. HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following: "The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" A little spending money? I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr Nick, what are you talking about?

I sound like a Jewish See 'n Say. MAN'S VOICE: The uncle says... (CLEARING THROAT) The grandpa says... OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh!

(SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

in the middle of the Atlantic,

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

No! (SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!

What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual.

all that money to not see Celine Dion.

Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver, and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life. Don't you understand? I lost the perp! I lost the perp! oh!

Okay! See you guys later. I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it.

Brian, I feel awful. Stewie and I were getting along so good and now he hates me. How do I get him to like me again? Well, that depends. Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again? What's a hypotenuse?

Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)

GIRL: Mommy!

Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake!

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!

Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

Good for you, Janine. You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody, and you did it. Brian, what are you doing up there?

God, I never should have made you leave the house! This is all my fault! Shh. Shh. Shh. Don't be so hard on yourself. Aside from the truck part, this was the best day of my life. I only wish we could have a little more time together. We can.

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.

causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp!

What are your qualifications?

Good morning! Is what normal families say.

MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation,

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this!

Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in.

Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING)

who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny.

I'm just a fool A fool in love with you I think they want another one.

Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together.

I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.

I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks. Lois, this pasta, better than Italy.

The last of the votes have been tallied, and we're getting the final results in now. Quahog's new mayor is... Lois Griffin! (ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Me, too. I didn't dress up not to be seen. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps. (SLURRING) Let me get at that belly. - Let me kiss that belly. - Stop it! Cut it out! I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss. Oh, Lois, that tickles! Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.

Yeah. How's it going? Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here? Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys. Lucky for me, huh? No, a hobby's good. All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already? Yup, come on. (GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career.

Okay. (HUMMING TUNE) Lost in Space. Yeah. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE)

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired.

It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey.

Considering the guest list, there could be as much as $40 million.

Supervisor? Yeah, I promoted him this morning. - Promoted me this morning. - What? Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. Meg, things change.

You may not remember, but I told you last week I got my niece's recital today. (VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY) We gotta sit through this whole thing? It's not that much longer. She's number seven and there's, like, 18 people.

Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff.

He said he was gonna distract the social worker. Mmm, Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living? Hey, I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here? What the heck happened to that trophy anyway? I guess some mysteries are better left unsolved.

Get out there and tell those people the truth. Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!

Look, I know I screwed up big time.

I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh...

text message FAMGUY1. If you wanna hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you wanna give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.

Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.

Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull!

Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience."

Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do.

It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.

You know, it would be fun to write some new songs. You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud. So I was thinking we could... Streaks on the china Never mattered before Who cared When you drop kick your jacket When you came through the door No one glared

I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto. H-heh, Lois! How expected. Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you. I-Is this a bad time?

Mmm, ooh, That is good.

I just found out I'm retarded.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the '90s. Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'" It used to bay That you loved may But now it's nineteen-ninetay

And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it. To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this.

Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Sorry I'm late, Lois. Peter, what are you doing here? Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this.

Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal? (STUTTERING) Lois, it's delicious. For crying out loud. Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck. Okay, Stewie, time for bed.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Here, put on these special eating gloves I bought you. Why do I need to wear gloves to eat in a fancy restaurant? Because it's so fancy that... You know what? I'm tired of this. I booked you a boxing match.

You know, this is actually not too bad a piece of work.

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.

Ah! Oh, my eyes! Could you please turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards.

Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.

If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And There's nothing you can say that'll change my minD. EiTHer You kill them, or I kill you. Aw, Crap!

Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.

That would be most good, Newland, most good. I am sorry, but she is just awful. I-Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene, or somethin'? (Director) Uh, Yeah. Really? Yeah. We can? Oh, Great. All right, we got a movie. Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of control,

Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady? Permission granted, sir. Be as loud as you can. I want the kids to know we still got it. Oh, yeah! That was... Wow!

ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game. HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following:

and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh!

Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun. Look, I'll do it myself. How about that? Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me. I mean, I think we should do what he says. Well, yeah, but, Brian... I'm totally willing to do this for the family. I'm not sure...

So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested?

Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

CHORUS: Fifth caller Caller number five MAN: Not four, not six WOMAN: (SEXILY) Oh, five MEN: (YELLING) Cinco! Cinco! Cinco!

The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by.

Wah! Shut up! Look, i--I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked-- I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films?

It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now.

You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure.

All right, look. When he comes back, I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on. (GUN COCKING) JEFF: Kind of like this? You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic.

Gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the David Hyde Pierce incident. And as you know, one call equals a billion people.

Any questions? It's just something I have to do. Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family. Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy! What are you standing here For? You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies!

Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!

Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit!

(MECHANICAL ARMS WHIRRING) The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole.

hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant! Hey, What's up, Pete? Long time no see. Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you. Well, I owe that to my better half. Who is it, sir? Uh, Angie?

Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!

Wh-What about Amelia? She saw everything? You leave her to me. Come on, honey. He's been having accidents. Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready. This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond. Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!

Hey, there, son, mind if I have a seat? Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down.

How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin. Huh? Guys? Huh? Guys? That's my idea. Peter, come here. Finally. A little recognition. Joe has the most wonderful idea. Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys, you know,

Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer. Who'd have thought? Wait a minute, Joe. That's the guy who opened the door to my cell yesterday and told me I could leave the asylum. Ah! Is that right? Well, then it all makes sense. Yamamoto wanted it to look like you broke out on your own.

Pull over.

I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses. See you on the softball field.

I didn't do it. I'm just gonna stay on my diet and exercise. Good for you. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction. Who, I ask you. Who? Hello.

(MEOWS) (CHUCKLES) You know, Peter, with all the shopping and cooking and decorating, I have to say I'm really liking the new you an awful lot. An awful lot. (SNICKERS) What are you doing? I'm fooling around.

Yeah. Say that after a fortnight in town, bitch. Hey, everybody. Look what came in the mail. We got invitations to Jillian's wedding. Jillian's wedding? She's getting married? Wow, that's great! Looks like she finally found someone after dating that last loser.

Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. - All right, Brian. - Good. Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby.

I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention. And nothing makes more noise than unwanted salsa music. Hand me that radio. (SALSA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) What the hell?

Yeah. My wife here did K.I.S.S. Get out of here! Hand to God. Whoa! Peter! How does that make you feel? I feel like I've done K.I.S.S., too, Donny. And it feels good. Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight? Well, I guess the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous.

Right? Big lips on a stick knows what I'm talking about. Ha! Fiber! Still alive!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin. He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way.

f like pancakes, f like pancakes They make me a happy Peter lam happy, lam happy

Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn. Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No. Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off.

You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers.

What the hell does the second part have to do with that?

Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

in which a used dirt bike will be awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors. And in other news, they're bringing back Passions! Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome!

He-Man TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah. I ended up dating him for three months. That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested. Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter. Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth?

we get to see your butt. YEs, uh, Yes, you do. Can--Can we see it right now? Um, welL, uh... HA, All right, HITLER. Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen! Look, Peter. all you gotta do is sit there.

God, is that true? God?

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT!

Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt.

(LAUGHING) What are you doing, you tool?

Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)

A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it. Really? 'Cause I had it sitting right on my table... I said I haven't seen it, all right!

(SCREAMING) Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my tree house. Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? I'll remind you that I was invited here. All right, who's up there? Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois. Glenn, what are you doing up there?

Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.

(SHRIEKING) (GRUNTS) (HISSING) Slip me some tongue. Did you try the chicken, buddy? MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.

I gotta do it, Karen. I just gotta take a shot. That guy... That guy just got to me today. You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it.

Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.

Holy crap, it's Chris.

Nick Jonas is so cute.

(SCREAMING)

But, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you gotta do something. The potholes ain't getting fixed no more. The stoplights ain't working. Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations. (ALL GROAN) Make it blue. That's always been the deal! You show whatever you want, but you make it blue! Come on. You got to help us out. CARTER: Go to hell.

Oh, God, it's harming people! ROBOT: Angry! Angry! Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too! It's using tools! It's learning, Angela! It's learning! Run!

Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

And to think I actually thought you raped me. Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room. What? Ah! Ah!

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

Excuse me, Your Honor? Yes? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. He may even be downright, well, stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father.

You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.

My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here.

(EXCLAIMING) (GROANING)

Fuck off.

(SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention! Come on. Let's get out of here.

Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there.

Why don't You teach her. Unless you Don't think you're up to it? Oh, yes, This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it." Well, I am! I accept your challenge!

What if Mamie got cancer? Mamie's not getting cancer! Or how about one of us? What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing.

You son of a bitch!

You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. Well, At these prices, I'm not surprised! That's it, pal! You are outta here!

Actually, I was talking about The Age of innocence.

they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld! Hi, there, can I help you folks? Yeah, my daughter's looking for a car that goes with her personality. Yes, are the new bulimic-cutting mobiles in yet? This is a 1996 sedan. Excellent gas mileage, air bags and AM-FM cassette.

Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack! - That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR.

(SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.

I always enjoy traveling companions. Let's play 20 questions. Am I Bo Bice? Yes, I am. Well played, worthy adversary. We're gaining on him. I'm coming, Rupert.

I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?

Boy, clothes sure are a prison, aren't they? Lot of drum roll for nothing. What's this? Ooh, candy!

So I had to kill him, too. When Peter was yelling at everyone about that picture of Derek holding up the Hollywood sign, I grabbed the Golden Globe and slipped out. I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do.

Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone

Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!

Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela."

Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.

(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp.

Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Kate. You don't get it. We are the island. Hand me that paper bag.

Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! No toys, Stewie.

Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?

Oh. But be careful, though. At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass. And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon, I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Mr. Hawking, what does the discovery of this black hole mean to you and your research? (THROUGH SYNTHESIZER) I am overjoyed. This is the crowning achievement of my career. It validates the work of a lifetime. It certainly does. Back to you, Tom. MAN: All right. We're clear.

Peter, you're just acting out. No, I'm not. I'm acting in. Okay, now you're just saying the opposite of what I say. No, I'm not. I'm saying the same as what you say. - Peter. - Lois. - God. - Allah. Look, I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate. She and Mayor West never would've made it.

This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!

I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait herE.

ALL: He's taking a stroll

(EVERYTHING I DO PLAYING)

What is this? Cookiebook.

ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)

Ahh! Son of a bitch!

Face it, The Clam is doomed. Come on, guys. we can't give up now. Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed.

Oh, Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby. What? What did you just say? Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, You can't hear me now.

You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay, but remember, this is my class. Now, there are a number of natural ways that males and females interact. That's right! Allow me to demonstrate. Hey, Rainbow Brite. Hello, Shakespeare.

Sh-sh-she's new.

Go, Chris! Daddy loves you! I mean in a platonic way. I'm married. Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca.

"T"...

and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

I see you soon, Rodrigo.

(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...

What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING)

like, for example, around your underpants that you want me to take a look at, I could take a look at that, too. Huh? Please pull down your underpants. All right, boys. It's my maid's last night. So we got to make the most of it. I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.

Do you want to split a Toblerone? Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. Next stop, my thighs!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) From Joan and Keith.

Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics.

(ALL GRUNT) Apples! Fire! (SCREAMING) Damn it! Quilters! Advance!

(EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet. What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS)

Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley, but I really think he'd want to be considered for this. Yeah, the thing is, for this roll, we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome, but who is not actually handsome himself! Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him. Yeah, I think he'd be right, too. The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine,

Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.

All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right!

Lois, last night was amazing. It was, wasn't it? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs. I know. It was amazing. Much better than that night you pretended your penis was Danny Aiello.

(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise.

TERRORIST: We missed!

Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean. Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how! I'm sorry. Can I help you?

Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them.

Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy, "Maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys. I mean those big, "Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys,

Oh! This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch.

Oh, man! That sucks because I'm so horny.

God, a D.U.I.! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail! It's ok, Brian. You'll get through this D.U.I., and you'll be a better person for it. Well now Hold on A minute. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization! Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?

Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible. So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore?

Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.

Ohh! Submitted for your approval. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge to bury shiny objects in the yard. A shameful secret that nearly buried the peace and civility of an entire neighbor--

Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you.

Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING)

Oh, Peter, Moroccan food is the jizz. I don't know. Looks like it might give me the kind of farts I get from eating Mexican food. (FARTS) (YELLING IN SPANISH) - (FIRES GUNS) - (ALL SCREAMING)

He's a family guy

Oh, Peter, there you are. This is my brother Patrick. Yeah, yeah. Good to meet you, Patrick. All right, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this. I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault, Meg.

Well, we put all your mail on the desk in your room, sweetheart. Thanks, Dad. I'm kidding. You didn't get any mail.

Move along, move along.

I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow! - Whoa, what was that? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was my father talking. You, uh, gotta work on that, man. Bad dog.

Peter, you know I'm dying to see Zapped. I would much prefer Krull. Well, maybe you should just go by yourself. Well, maybe I will. Fine. Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we...

I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that?

Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?

Yeah, hey, guys. The meeting of the Cool Kids Club will be at 3:15, leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV in the parking lot.

Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too.

What happened?

My purse!

Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key. Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key. LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years.

Yay! I'm part of things, too. Yay! (ALL CHEERING) The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (YOUR LOVE HAD TAKEN ME THAT HIGH PLAYING)

Oh, Thank you, Peter.

Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.

You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!

No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No!

Oh, no!

(THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.

Oh, hang on a sec. Idea for a short story.

The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.

Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?

Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy. Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.

Just like I got used to my acrylic nails. (PHONE RINGING) Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman. Hey, Laronda. No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.

You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back?

Fuck.

Now we got to go to another club and start all over again.

Calgon, take him away.

ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... (ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?

I just found my penis.

Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you close your eyes when we make love? I wonder how your father's first day at work went?

Can't we just eat? And now I shall continue the prayer. Kali Maa. Kali Maa. Kali Maa!

Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly

She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on.

but then it totally was. - That's happened to me. - Me, too. Cars go fast. Oh, God, yeah, I'll tell you, ifl had a nickel for every time that happened. - Yeah? - What? What if you had a nickel for every time that happened?

After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.

Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses. Look how close we're getting, Meg!

Santa's got his work cut out for him. We ain't even gotten started yet. I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire.

That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots... at a karaoke bar, doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band. Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome. Wait. What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure.

Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE! Uh, Sorry, Stewie. A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

I love you. I love you, too. Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers. (URGES HORSES) Yeah! Choke on that, nerds.

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea. The Drunken Clam?

(LOUDER CRACKING) You know, I think it's my back. Really? You've never mentioned back pain before. Yeah, I try not to mention health problems around the house for fear of being put down.

They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin', and the victim's name is "theater." This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... blows! Uh...

Fucking idiot.

Keith. Wow, look at this place. There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise.

Oh, How I envy them, dog. They've got their whole lives ahead of them. Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings. Come on, Chris. It's just vodka.

You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out! Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk?

Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children. So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.

Just look for the containers that say "KFC" on them.

What does that mean?

Then what? Peter got blamed!

A-Actually, I kinda-- I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, you know, maybe tomorrow-- Take 'em off! Yeah. O-o-Ok, honey.

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods.

Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring.

Come on! Into the storm cellar! MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking. CHRIS: Wait, I think I found the lights.

Did we finish fueling? Do you see the hose in the plane? No. Well, then, I guess we're finished. Thanks, George. You want to say that one more time without the sarcasm?

Knock, knock. Nicole? Ronald? Who's ready for Boggle? Oh, my God! No! Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole! My man, Ronald, who did this? Oh, man, they were so good together!

Oh, okay. I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. Okay. I'm gonna need it back now. Oh. I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got. Carol, it's so good to see you. You, too, Lois. God, that is one nice ass. Thank you. You're welcome.

Everybody loved my Germanator joke. Look, Peter. I want you to move out. What? You can't live here anymore. You're a pain in my ass. I want you out. Oh, come on, man. That's not fair. Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing, I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal?

Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety. Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video.

No one dances like Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire.

My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.

Waah! Blast! Jeez. Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour?

Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay!

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.

There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right? All right, I guess. Good. Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors.

W-W-Why?

Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up.

Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand. You and I are like two... Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there.

I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like. She's right there. Okay, I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop? I think that can be arranged.

Then you'll have to order my next tape. You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance.

Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.

(SCREAMING)

What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set. Yeah. Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro.

You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay. (ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12.

I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China, and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?" Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I tell you, This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe?

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good.

ow. What--What the hell? What the hell? Brian, I'm sorry-- No! No, No. You know what? It's not cool, Peter. It's not cool.

You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us. Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.

Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake. There were only 2 left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples. WeLl, Gather round, everyone. It's time for Stewie's big moment.

Don't mind me, you guys. I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. "Dear my boyfriend. Thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. "That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me "were really pretty, just like you said I am.

Well, that'll do it for us here. Thanks for watching Channel Five, the most trusted name in news. (SPUTTERS) Oh, crap. (SPUTTERS) Oh, come on. (SPUTTERS) Ugh, let's go, Tom. (SPUTTERS) (GRUNTS) Work, damn it. What the hell? What's going on with the news?

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself. Honey, I'll be right there. By all means, take your time. Oh, and When you do finally get around to it,

He loves his children and mE-- Ok, Ok. I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift. What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.

I can't do it. I can't do it. Get the lotion. Put the lotion on me. Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like. Never mind. I'll come back later.

Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner. Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home? In a minute. Would you just look at this beautiful tree? Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night.

It was the most awesome thing ever! Hug me!

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss. Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile. I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour.

Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

Two sailboats! TOM: 44. 17! TOM: No, that's... Oh, yes, that is 17. She's good at 17. Well, folks, those are our winning numbers. Good luck to all of... NIKKI: 24! No, that's it. We're done. Anyone watching, do not count 24. NIKKI: Pancakes! Okay, I don't know what she's doing now. Somebody turn the machine off. Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car.

You named your horse 'til Death? You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat. ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. (THUDDING) (ALL GASPING) Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so unfathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so,

Uh, Peter's getting in the car. - (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed

Yikes! Awkward.

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word?

Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!

Meg! Oh, Mom. Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home. Oh, Sweetie. It's good to have you back. Hey, honey. I'm sorry we missed your ball game. What? Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg. I love you, too.

He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING) You and I didn't quite get along when we first met When you put us together we just didn't blend

we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center.

MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off.

Just remember In the winter Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed

PETER: I've never tried to make conversation with just Joe before. This is brutal. JOE: Come on, Joe, you're losing him. Think of something. This was your shot.

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois. Ah, Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party. I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here.

Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

What the hell is so bloody fascinating? (GASPING) You!

If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself!

Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited. And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by, I'll make sure he thinks you're.... Mr. Griffin, chillax. We're doing the best we can. There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker.

That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT) Well, that's it. Three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets. Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets.

(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying. Jane Fonda. (STUTTERS) Is that? Is that right? Yeah, that's right, buddy. Totally Jane Fonda.

No, that house is no good, Michael Cera lives there. He's just handing out low energy one-liners. Nice costume. (MUMBLING) I haven't put mine on. Not really. This is my costume.

Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Peter one, Jesus zero. You know, Jesus, if I go get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just want to stick this up her ass. All right, I'll be the one to say it. How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles?

Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! (GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that?

I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.

And, you know, I just wanted to ask... you know, how do you deal with it? - Deal with what? - You know, with being retarded. Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped. Now you're just splitting hairs.

In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest. Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun. Brian, what is this on my shoe?

Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair--

Oh, It looks the same, but actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean. oh. Ha. maybe I shouldn't A had them do the floors. I'm "Nudes on Ice"! Oh, This is so exciting. Your father's first day as president.

There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy! (FARTS)

That's an invasion of my privacy. Ooh! He's sorting your recycling 'cause he loves our Mother Earth. If you weren't so busy trolling for booty all the damn time you could do it yourself, like the law says you should. Ooh! It's on now! Wait a second! What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along! I couldn't have stolen it.

So, you're saying she does not have an alibi. Well, no. Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi. She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly Screw off. "M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo

Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, ugly!

Oh, Let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... Ooh! big shock, a jack pops out. And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside. Surprise, honey! A trikie! I think he likes it!

Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!

You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

- Women have a fourth hole. - What? Yeah. I mean, it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But you got to believe that it's there. Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. QUAGMIRE: That's where the fourth hole is, right there.

(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know.

Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it. - Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk? - Huh? You know that scene where Yoda comes in and they are about to have that big fight? Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I mean, I'm just saying, what does he, what does he need a desk for? Who the hell cares? I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk?

I support the death penalty to show people that killing is wrong. And that's great, Brian.

Here you go, guys.

Ah, Turn off the light. I'm reading a ghost story.

- Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it. Hey, Meg. We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out. That makes you cool. Wanna hang out with us? - Sure. - Hey, I'm here to pick you up.

So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass! Okay, come on now. Something serious. MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to... Okay, I heard "pharmacy."

I fucked your dad.

Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec? Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue! If that isn't a middle finger to society, I don't know what is. I don't like it anymore. I wish I'd colored him red. Do you think it's a little odd that Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd have moved into Quahog together?

(INHALES DEEPLY) (GROWLING PLAYFULLY) "I'm swimming at night 'cause I'm a slut "and now I'm paying the price for it." (PANTING)

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks!

We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you?

Leafers!

I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party.

There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed

now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action!

Well, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian? Because you've got a negative attitude. Like Eeyore. Come on, Eeyore, let's go play. I don't feel like it. Why are you always in such a bad mood? I have a nail in my anus. Oh.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!

and I don't think you're an addict.

Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe.

Actually, I got it on the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said, "I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again. Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason. Either of you guys think it's a little suspicious that Peter took out a life insurance policy on Lois right before she went missing?

And then she wanted to make him eggs! (SCREAMS) And he said, "Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30." And she said, "I'll drive you there!" (SCREAMS) And he said, "No, no, it's at my office. "It's like a half-hour commute." And she said, "I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's pre-school." (SCREAMING)

It was a huge waste of time. Well, it couldn't have been that bad. Oh, it was terrible. Everyone else there had some big, important job and was way more successful than me. Hey, Come on, y-y-you have a--you have a great job. Yeah, y-y-you're doing-- You're doing good.

Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity. Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh? - Hey, figure it out for yourself, man. - We're freezing our asses off over here. Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh?

Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS) I did not want to have to do that.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING) I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day.

- We sound too much alike. - I know. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE) Lost in Space. Yeah. Okay.

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it! Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe. Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris" They shine like sunny weather

But how am I ever gonna spread it on my rippling back and thighs? This is gonna take drastic measures. All right, get the camera ready. Oh, Luke. Mission accomplished, Peter.

A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn! Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened.

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye.

That was wonderful. Who said that?

Crap. Death! - What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful.

Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy.

Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard.

(EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch?

So, did you break up with Lauren? No, I didn't. As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight. Say what? Well, Lauren, it's a real pleasure having you here for dinner. Of course, I'm sure this isn't as exciting as your usual cuisine.

That's good old-fashioned family racism.

He'd do her all the way Even call her the next day To see how her work was going (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe.

Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News. Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that? I can. So can I. Me, too. I can, too. I can live with that. Count me in.

Good-bye, kids.

They don't use metal because it reacts chemically with the fish eggs and changes their taste. Oh! Well, that's fascinating. You could have just complimented the free food, but one-upping me is another way to go. - So, you know, guys... - Bitch. ...Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Shut up, British Meg.

English - US - CC

We are so throwing you a shower! Well, Fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar.

Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter. (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) Are you a pedophile?

Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING)

But, Dad, you're retired. I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch!

And the motion carries.

Kevin walked me home. Kevin? He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.

I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more?

Look what they're saying about it. "As funny as it is touching. Gene Shalit." "I stood up and cheered, 'Go, Julia, go!' Joel Siegel." "This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches, "so I went to the doctor and got myself checked out. "I'm currently awaiting results. Gene Siskel." Everyone seems to love this. We gotta watch it!

I will be next September. Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence. (GLASS SHATTERS)

except my invisible friend,

- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating?

Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies. (BUNNIES SQUEAKING)

You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland.

Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm frightened. Let's go.

Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No!

I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs. I think we should all go together to pick Meg up. She's probably a little fragile after being in there so long, and I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces. I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.

You know, this used to be all orange trees. (WIND HOWLING)

Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of e veryda y situa tions. ' '

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

So, Carolyn. Guess you should've hit that when you had the chance, huh, Brian? What? You're the one who told me to wait! You're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland. You know what you need?

Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog.

Oh, Don't he make you so mad - you just want to go down there and hit him? No. Well, maybe not him 'cause he's kind of big. But don't you want to hit the guy sitting next to you? Well, Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too. But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You jerk.

Peter, You are welcome to stay with us as long as you like. Aw, Thanks, Muriel. So, uh, What do you guys do for fun around here? We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California, to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.

(BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me! I'm trying, I... Try harder! Peter, if you just stop for one second... Lois, that hurts. Quit it. (BOTH MOANING) Peter, are we having sex? Let's check. Just lift up that fold right there. Uh, yup.

Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here!

Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. now Meg, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it. And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense.

So, which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine... or the one with the fancy hats?

yee-ah!

Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone.

Because it's Rule 142-B!

What do you say to that, broccoli?

(CHOIR SINGING) Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious.

I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter? I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one, but as I recall, you were more interested in partying with your friends.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Well, she sounds lovely. But I still wouldn't put my face down there.

Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!

(KNOCKING) Hi, folks. Just thought I'd stop by and make sure your equipment is working properly and see if you have any questions. Yeah, is something wrong with our remote? No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do? Thank you. I think we're good. Everything seems to be going well. Okay, great.

You know you're a redneck if you come from a rural area and behave as such.

Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer?

We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest. We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off. Well, well. Finally, a true test of my abilities. You came to the right place, Joe. I'll psych that guy out for you. Peter, you can't do this. All right, I mean, it's one thing to take money from a bunch of suckers,

Whoa, whoa, big guy. You're probably never even gonna see him again. Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin.

Plus, the law's on our side. Oh, You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, StewiE.

Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Oh. Good morning. Oh. Hey, Lois. Who's... Who's your friend? Rita, this is Lois. Lois, Rita. So great to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie.

(COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING)

And there's the Vietnam War Memorial. Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to those Vietnam vets. Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Aw! What happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy! I kill him! He cry like a bitch! Vietnam, undefeated!

Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend.

Ya! Ahh! Ahh! Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

We haven't made love ever! (CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, that's right. You like that? (CHIMING) WOMAN: I have $50,000. (CHIMING) I have $75,000. Thank you, Brett Ratner. Do I have $100,000? For God's sake. $500,000. WOMAN: We have $500,000.

Stewie had a doctor's appointment. Then I had to pick Meg up after school.

Hey, what about these?

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance!

"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"? Tastes like happy.

Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you.

Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!

Oh, Joe, thank you so much for inviting us to your barbecue. Well, it's my pleasure, Lois. Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

(CROWING) Good night, everybody!

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to.

(EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)

Peter, look! The Clam!

good, Good. Real good. Real good. Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but, um, you know that criminal who's after your son? Yeah, he--He might know where you guys are. What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris! We gotta call the sheriff! Holy crap! I'm on it, Lois!

Mr. Griffin, We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you--you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-booiE! Baba-booie!

(SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

It's nice to see them finally getting on. I know. Who would have thought? PETER: Boy, I can't wait to get this home.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator.

He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot!

What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster.

I was never in any coma, okay? I bailed. I faked my death and went AWOL. (ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00. I'm sure we can figure something out. (LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh.

You heard me. Are you some kind of 'mo? Oh, God, please tell me I'm not married to some Nancy boy. Why? Would that be a problem? Are you kidding? 'Course it would. My dream is to live the married life and settle down. I can't be doing that with no gay. I see.

Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God! Look at the size of that pimple.

it is the white devil that has propagated exacerbated, instigated,

Donny Most Donny Most Sunday, Monday Happy Days

Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets. Is this another test? Yes. These aren't the real lottery tickets, either. These are the real lottery tickets.

Yeah. That's right. Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag! Get 'em!

Oh, that's a horrible story. Yes. I was so traumatized they sent me here. And I guess they must have forgotten about me. Well, you seem perfectly normal to me. And no brother of mine is gonna be cooped up in some insane asylum. We are taking you back to Quahog with us.

I want some ice cream. No, Peter, you finish your food. You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now.

I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly Wishing there would be Someone waiting home for me

I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.

Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh! Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something!

That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead? Uh, This last one won't open. Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit. Like, uh, Like this?

I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.

All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C. (CRACKLING) Quick! Get us out of here! (T-REX ROARING) Boy, that was close. Oh, my God, where's Frank? I'm over here. Oh. Okay.

His boy Elroy

Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart.

I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.

We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin on the approach of Hurricane Norman. Here with an update is Greg, the Weather Mime.

I know what always makes me feel better, delicious sweets.

Lando to Enterprise! Draw their fire away from the cruisers! We're having tea, thank you very much. Yes, tea.

and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha!

We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that.

(GROANS) I'm sorry, but the Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet and Duke of Lacrosse Team already arrived two hours ago. But that's impossible!

This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

Meg. Meg.

I'll be right back.

You beat me to it. Man, I haven't had this much fun since I was in that Broadway show. I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned

But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time.

(ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.

Maybe you should just go. Well, now, wait a second. What do you mean? This isn't working. It was a nice thought, but I think we should go our separate ways. No, Ryan. I get it now. I can be what you want. We could... Peter. Don't embarrass yourself. You need to just let this go. Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no!

The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation! So, what was it like on the other side? Well, I met Jesus up there. Wow, what's he like? Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese. Really? Yup, Jesus is Chinese.

(THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING)

I-i'm Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party oF 5. It's gonna take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! I'm sorry. Come again? You're not entitled to a refund. ahhh! Was that for Party oF 5, too? No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party oF 5?

(SIGHING) (VACUUM CLEANER ROARING) (GROANING) (VACUUM CLEANER STOPS) (EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet.

Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know. Pardon my French.

- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.

You're on it. Oh, wow. Glenn, you sure you want to do this? I already told you I forgive you. No, No, I feel like I got off too easy. All right. If you insist. You, uh, wanna ring the bell, Apollo? All right. Ding, ding.

get on the flooR let's ceLebrate

Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look? Cool. Really? Oh, that's good. Oh, I knew it was... I knew it would look cool.

Yeah, serious problem.

It won't leave a bruise and they'll let them know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. But tha-that doesn't sound right. Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? Hey? take one of those! Hey--hey! Ow! Knock it off! H-hey! Get away from me, you dead crooner!

You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this. You idiot! Now I'm going to have to get 10,000 more signatures before tomorrow morning. What were you thinking? You don't understand, Brian. When was the last time you were even with a woman? - Uh, when did the Challenger blow up? - '86. Yeah, it was like three years before that.

she's not allowed to be a lesbian.

Ahhh! (THUD)

Oh, I'm so happy you had fun. I did, too.

Okay, everybody, time for paintball. I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!

but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.

Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

What about my interview? Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. Why? Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that. I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past?

and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny. That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)

- Bite. - Hmm. Bite. - Mosquito. - Ah, yes. Good one. - Uh, mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Mosquito. - Bite. - Bite. - Mosquito. Aha! Very good. You are a worthy opponent, indeed. Congratulations. You're hired. Your first job is to go down to the corner and tell that hobo I admire his spirit.

I'm ribbeted for your pleasure. Hey, Brian, want to get the rock out of here? Rock, yeah.

Good Lord! Oh, no! (Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry. Yeah, huh, any idea who it was, Peter? No, we didn't see his face.

I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account. Ah, Very good, sir.

I wasn't working out, so I must not have been nervous. I was very pleased and surprised. I really was not expecting an open bar. Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink.

Well, it's my pleasure, Lois. Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely.

PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Huh?

That place is strong with the dark side. But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead. I'm going in there anyway. (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPS)

You have abandonment issues.

You know, you're a jackass.

He's gonna do back-up vocals for everything we say. How's he gonna know what we're saying? How's he gonna know what we're saying? Is he gonna do it for all of us?

Well, That may be. But you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! Hey, w-w-wait! Come back here! What? I have to draw you! You're why cavemen painted on walls!

Let's just enjoy dinner. Yeah, can't we just have a good time? Ask Olivia. Olivia, the three of us are having a great time. What's your problem? My problem is you. You're acting like a baby! And we come to the center of the shrubbery maze. That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I'm not grown up enough for you. Well, you are a baby, aren't you?

Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! Hey, That's mine, my-- Shaft. There might be a mineshaft under this library. My God, All these kids are looking at pornography! What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth? Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad.

Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome! Lois, I'm gonna win that thing. Peter, why would you want a used dirt bike when you already have a car? Because this is 1978, Lois, and dirt bikes have never been hotter. Besides, I get one of those things, it's gonna be a buffet of beave.

Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat! Help! Help! Mommy!

like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEAKING) What the hell is that? You're wearing a wire! (TIRES SCREECHING) I am so murdered. Peter, I'm hurt. How could you deceive me like this? Oh, God, O.J.! Please don't kill me.

Woods!

The important thing is that you stood up for me, and I won't forget it. Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back. Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. You know what the mistake was, moving in together. Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book.

Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people?

No!

Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful!

We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks. Oh, Heathcliff. Oh, come on! I want so little.

This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took. It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see

(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open?

(SIGHS) Look, Meg, I know you've been having a hard time lately, so I wanted to give you something that means a lot to me. MEG: Oh, I remember this. This was the trip our family took to the Cape. Ugh. It was miserable. It was raining, and Mom and Dad fought the whole time.

(YAWNS) How you girls doing on popcorn? I'll take some. Here you go.

We're going to add... Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. This is hot!

I don't know about that. Tell you what, I'll get us started. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me.

Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)

Happy birthday, Mom. Oh, thank you, everybody. I know it's a little self-centered, but this is my favorite day of the year. Here, Mom, this is from me and Meg. Topol? The smoker's tooth polish?

Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger.

I just think it's presumptuous. I mean, come on, "The country's best yogurt"? You know, prove it. Show me your data. MAN: Help! Police! That man's a thief! Go get him, Dad!

Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy. Can't it be both?

Peter, we have a problem. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened?

We gotta get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters. Let's go!

Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner.

Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.

I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now!

SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian?

Now you must die! (GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS)

Any last words? You wouldn't kill me, would you? Thanks for helping me dig this hole, Mr. Montesante. Hey, no problem, Stewie. This can be a pain in the ass when you got to do it all by yourself. You're telling me. All right. Go ahead and drop it in. Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful when it reaches adulthood.

(SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS)

Look, Stewie.

Fuck.

Just once, John. The 1975 Cotton Bowl.

"Love always protects, always trusts, "always hopes, always perseveres. "Love bears all things, believes all things... (GIGGLING) "...hopes all things, endures all things. "Love never ends. Love never fails."

It's $10 an hour. But there's a $100,000 deposit. Oh, God. Looks like we're walking. Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune. Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

And? And it costs $10 for lunch and the bus. Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10? Look, I'm really sorry,

Brian, look what I won. Wow, what'd you win that for? For having the best pig in the competition. - Wait, you bred a pig? - Sure did. Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig.

We have family dinners, and we go to church together-- Yeah? And you even manage to humiliate me there. WhoA, is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck!

Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own. Peter, I hate to say this but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you.

Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end? Well, I, uh... Never, that's when! You need this, Brian. You dropped out of college. You still haven't finished your novel. Do you know what you lack? Discipline! And do you know where you'll get it? Right here in the army! Boy, you know what? You're right. Everything I've ever done, I've crapped out on halfway through.

Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!

Earth angel, earth angel Oh, I love this song. My darling dear Lois, may I have this dance?

(HUMMING) The new Toyota I want a car that's got a lot of gas Come on, Joey. I wanna be with you. Dawson, I'm just not ready to give up my virginity. Come on. No! I promised myself that I'd save it for the man that I marry.

Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Masturbating. We should form a club. All right, name something you find in your bathroom. Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating." (ALL CHEERING)

DJ ON RADIO: Classic rock 103.7, WHGT. I hate this station. They always make promises they can't deliver. DJ ON RADIO: Playing the greatest rock-and-roll hits of all time! (WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING) See? Chris, turn that off.

What the fuck was that?

- Yau think we should be this far out? - Stap worrying, Mark. We 'ff be fine. Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts.

could I do this with a Hula-Hoop? (GRUNTING) No. No, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat.

What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes.

Oh, yeah!

Brian, could we really? Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business. Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

What do you got? I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.

My God, what is Peter thinking? Yes, he's crazy as a serial killer. All right, what do you want for your last meal? I think I'll just have a salad. Dressing on the side. I had a huge last lunch. All right, listen up in there! Let's not make this any harder than it has to be.

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard. A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. They'll be jealous. You son of a bitch. And this is nothing.

He's cooking something up.

(PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)

But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!

But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Kids, we're calling off the experiment early. What? Why? Because you were right. Being a kid is a lot harder than being an adult. High school sucks. Everything sucks. So let's just put things back the way they were, and just forget all about this, all right? You kids go back to school. Lois goes back to groceries. I go back to my job. That's not gonna work out, Dad.

Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING) (SCREAMS)

Mom, this is so lame. Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured.

Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries. (BILL COSBY SCATTING) Ghost Dad!

$2,000.

Ja! I want to be a skateboarder! (PUNCHES LANDING) (GUN FIRES)

Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing? Never mind that, let's just get going.

Y-You see, Doc, my back tooth is killin' me. ahh! And things have worked out fine so far. Peter, no offense, but that's because we all pitched in. That's right. We built schools, and hospitals. Yeah, not to mention the theater.

Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Um, i--I got 3 kids. I'll take 'em. Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Sign this. Here you go. Good luck! So, what do you want on your thigh?

What do you mean "not guilty"? What's wrong with you? Shoot, that was a stomachache. I told that guy he had polio. Look, the system specifies the defendant must be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker!

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor

You know, I think I missed my nap today. I'm sleepy. Well, why don't you lie down? I think I will. (SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday.

Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's mother agreed not to press charges if you apologize. Hello, Lois. Hello, Claire. We just came by because there's something Peter would like to say to Kyle. - Go on. - Sorry. Say it right, Peter. Oh, oh! Sorry. Thank you, Peter. Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted. - Good.

Jeez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha! ALL: Hi, Jenny. Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night. I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person.

Coming up, handsome mustachioed man recaps news in pleasing baritone. Stay tuned for this and more. But first, Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is on hand for the opening of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel. Diane, I am standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside.

Six. Five. Four. Three.

Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!

Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay. I don't need TV. I'll just make my own sitcom in my head. And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme. This time around I'm staying at home

That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own. undefinedHow about a movie? " don't go out with dudes. Mom, Dad, am I ugly? Of course not, sweetie.

But I forget how to make love.

You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush.

Tell him yourself. I can't. I don't want to disappoint him again. remember what happened when he tried to sneak me into the County Fair? Uh, One, please. Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no, No! Nothing about this adds up at all!

Well, you made it, Peter. You're a big shot. In charge of a whole bunch of people. Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes, please. PEGGY: Yes, Mr. Griffin.

But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it!

Here are the products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year. The African-American heart monitor. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he dead. (READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you.

Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God!

It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that. Why doesn't it do something? He's retarded, Lois. You should understand. You're married to a retarded man. Eh? (MOCKING) You're married to a retarded man. (BREATHING HEAVILY) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) What is it? Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?

Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up.

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up.

Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make. You are all free. You have been fired from the school. Vietnam is over. The hospital is closing. Will Hunting is all better.

You're lying to yourself, Brian.

You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap.

ahh!

Mmm-hmm. (BELL RINGING) ANNOUNCER ON PA: And they're off! Go, horsey, go! God, it even runs like it's messed up in the head. Is there a reason all the horses are named after canceled Fox shows?

So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

My God, you know what this means?

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye

Yeah, Stow the 'tude, queenie.

Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie

All right, then.

Oh, That's ok. No charge. Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world. Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.

Ah, I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway.

How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though. COMMENTATOR 1: Hell of a week. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out.

STEWIE: When I grow up, I'm never gonna call you. I'm gonna be busy with my job and my family. You'll be nothing.

"Regards, Mort Goldman again."

It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Who's sober enough to drive?

(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man? Those mushrooms are messing you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this.

Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

Bocce balls! I bought a tank.

It's Indian. And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper? I don't know, Peter. That doesn't sound very sexy. What are you talking about? Bombay is sperm city. Slumdog Millionaire? More like Scumdog Put-it-there.

Ha-ha! You loved that thing.

(MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast!

"Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? I'm practicing my comedy crash. Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to... (BOTH SCREAMING)

Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm. Your father. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed.

All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.

You do what you want, Brian, but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard! Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice. You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist. (LAUGHING) Really, Brian? He doesn't exist? That's right, he's not real. Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian.

Oh, Thank God! Oh! God, I was standing out there for, like, 10 minutes! Whoo! Boy, is that a load off! Hey Mort, Joe here's gonna be competing in the Special People's Games. Uh, You got anything that might give him A little extra juice? You mean steroids?

I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat. If you're blue And you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz Not my bit. But still funny. System off. Splendid. Aah!

all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts. Hey, I don't give a damn what you want. Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time, I've got this bowl of cornflakes, and I gotta be at work at 9:00. So what are we gonna do here? Not so fast.

oh! Bovine lummox! Oh! Oh, God!

Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find... All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! (DOORBELL RINGING) Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands.

Kind of, yeah. Well, guess what, that's my back. Hook up with me! Come on! We can make this work. Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt. No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird. I can't be your boyfriend. In fact, I don't even think I can be your friend.

(INHALING) - (GUN FIRES) - Ahh! (CROWD GASPS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) You did it, Peter. Why'd you shoot me? Because I'm weird, creepy coach. Now, let me give you inappropriate personal shower while I smoke and forbid you to see parent. This is... Somebody should look into this sport.

Mrs. Lockhart? Chris, come down here. I need to talk to you. Why are you here? 'Cause I couldn't stand to be away from you for another moment. I think I'm falling in love with you. " love you, too! The only problem is I'm married. Therefore, there's only one thing to do.

Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!

Looks like the guys are gonna form a rock band. Maybe they'll learn a little something. Stick around, you just might learn something, too.

You know, I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity.

Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house? Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you...

You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. Look, dinner's just about ready.

Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off.

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish? Poisson. Good. - Dog? - Chien.

We met on the Internet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific. Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling. That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend.

And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy.

Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies!

Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

The gift was the show. Nah, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have y'all down here. Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC.

Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage." Spread the word. Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man.

PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?

You are so fucking funny!

I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?"

(COUGHS) You happy now? Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once, you're going to stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you.

Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this.

WOMAN: Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass. WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois. We should grab a coffee or something and catch up. Oh, that would be great. It was really nice to see you, too.

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning

Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. (ACCORDION PLAYING)

I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin! Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on T.V.? You want to remove us from the area? Yes, ma'am. This criminal will stop at nothing to find your son. So We're placing your family in the witness protection program.

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf?

"You want to get an abortion with the abortionist having a stump hand?" And she says, "An abortion here? "Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. "How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand. "We can't get an abortion here." So we turned around and went home and two-and-a-half months later, our daughter, Meg, was born.

I don't know, you guys. This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble. Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week?

You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)

I like big butts and I cannot lie

So, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon. So now what do we do? Me? Am... Am I... Am I supposed to say something? Kevin... You're under arrest for the crime of desertion. Oh, my. Uh, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. You may use the yard.

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay! Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been...

Yes. At the end the brother pops up and turns you in. What's this on your Etch A Sketch? Oh, those are some advanced mathematical formulas I've just been tinkering with. You're kidding! I do that, too! But what are these formulas for? For these. (BEEPS)

I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.

Give Nanna a big hug, sweethearT. WEll, That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment.

I have to go.

Don't worry. I took care of it. What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.

Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Look what happened by accident.

(PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying. Jane Fonda. (STUTTERS) Is that? Is that right? Yeah, that's right, buddy. Totally Jane Fonda. It's gonna be okay. Your pal Stewie is right here.

Like, panicky. Hey, Brian, what do you think is gonna... What was that? You were praying. Come on. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. You were praying. I saw! No, man. It was a joke. - You were praying! - It was a goof! I was goofing on you! You're disingenuous.

Hi, Peter. Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second? What is it, Joe? Please tell me Lois is alive. (SIGHS) It's been six days, Peter. I'm sorry, but we had to call off the search. I'm afraid you're just gonna have to accept the fact that... She's gone.

And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. Oh, Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? Ha. I'm gonna go get a beer.

He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation, which would account for Scotty's memory loss.

Stewie. Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple? You've got a telephone call. Who is it? He didn't say. Well, find out, would you? - Who is this? - It's Brian. It's Brian. Oh, Brian. Probably RSVPing about Megan's party. Hello, Brian. Hi, Stewie. What can I do for you? I'm coming to Meg's party. Oh, splendid, just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple.

he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum - And you cash in before your time Yeah!

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black

You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?

You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore,

Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.

(FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES)

My God. Nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink.

No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee.

Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him.

Oh, just a housewife?

- What? - Um... The mail came a little later than usual today. Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go. Wait, hang on, hang on! Did I tell you about that over there? Stewie, I can't physically see what you're pointing at. I'm getting off now. Bye. Well, your loss, Brian. That thing over there is pretty interesting.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make. You are all free. You have been fired from the school.

I've broken my pencil!

They've got their whole lives ahead of them. Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings. Come on, Chris. It's just vodka. Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. Yeah, see? It's good.

- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING) Oh, sorry.

You're acting like a psycho bitch.

Holy crap. It's a gay bar!

If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples.

'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older and I'm getting older, too That's right, Peter.

So, if you guys are a family, why are none of you the same shade of black?

Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!

No, it's a tumor.

Let's face it. Your kids are gonna get into your guns. That's a fact. Gun accidents can be avoided by introducing your children to guns as early as possible. Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Say, Do you ever get lonely? Yes. Me, too. Hold me. if you squeeze me, I make bad people go away.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.

What the hell's wrong with you? I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down. This is an entire bottle of NyQuil. I know, and it's doing wonders. Come here, puss. Come here.

I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all,

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

Question number 2. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? I--I don't know. Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear, but somehow still in the race, is 'til Death. You named your horse 'til Death? You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat. ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. (THUDDING) (ALL GASPING) Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing,

Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave! Don't tread on me! Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again! Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

You come out here right now!

You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new.

No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck!

Yes, and there's the Aurora Boreanaz. Hi, there. Things are kind of beautiful up north, huh?

Wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow. Yeah. Well, then don't worry about it. Wait a minute. You mean you're not even gonna call the cops? Oh, my God. I could get away with anything. "And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!

Is this the Griffin household? Yes. There was a fire at Quahog Liquor last night. No people were killed, but the burned body of a dog was found inside. The tag on the collar says he lived here. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Brian! What the hell happened? Brian's dead!

Well, you made it, Peter. You're a big shot. In charge of a whole bunch of people. Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes, please. PEGGY: Yes, Mr. Griffin. Well, buddy, you're in love with Peggy. What a mess. Griffin! Get the hell out of my building!

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.

Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands. Have you seen this child? No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open. MAN: What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing. MAN: Oh, no! I know!

What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

Oh, What's that smell?

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!

I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? (SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Who the hell are you? One lucky son of a bitch.

5% of the country has. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?

Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck. The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser. I'll never be able to face Lois. Well, The circus is in town. Maybe you could run away and join it.

(GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. More trouble in the skies over Quahog tonight, as a Transnational jet is apparently out of control. Channel Five has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit. (PETER'S VOICE ON TAPE)

Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.

Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!

Well, About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way. Oh, Found the emergency exit.

Hang on, I'll fix it.

What the deuce are you all staring at? Is there something wrong with me? (GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt. (SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war."

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff.

Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...

Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.

(ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg.

Face it, The Clam is doomed. Come on, guys. we can't give up now. Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed.

World peace.

And you're not gonna believe it. They both showed up! Hold on. Meg, Meg, i-I'm sorry. That is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks.

And a woman wants a love sweet and warm How many women just like you Have silent schemes?

And what's the deal with the razor-blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there? Hi, Andy Dick here. Excuse me. I've got to get my bag up in the overhead bin here. Oh! Whoa! no! No! ahh! Ha! Ha! Wow, that's wacky!

- But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us. If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine.

You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

Hello How are you?

We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

Look, there he is! Oh, thank God, I'm saved!

Do you have Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen? No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies. Damn it! This is the third used-record store with that same story.

English - US - CC

Yeah. Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music? Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music. He-hee. Yeah!

I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened? (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night. What funny thing? You remember what you said about Lois's "potatoes au rotten?" Huh.

She must have been quieter than Britney Spears' dietician. (IN QUIET VOICE) Easy on those trans-fats. Not everything needs gravy. You know, there're some carrots down at the other end. That cheesecake was for everyone. Her hand was right beneath my pillow.

Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

I got bEER. Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime.

- Give you $1 for this. - Sold. Brian, where's Rupert? I just left him here to watch my things. Uh-oh. What? Nothing, I haven't seen him. It's not like him to wander off. Rupert? Rupert! Oh, no.

where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...

Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin?

Hey, Quagmire, you know you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes? Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry. You want me to talk to him? Well, no, actually, I want you to tell me the joke. Yeah, tell us the joke. You want to hear it? All right. So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (INAUDIBLE)

What are we gonna do? I don't know, but we got to try something. If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die. Is failure an option? No, it's not. Aw. That was my suggestion. All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution. Don't worry, Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out. Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid.

And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds...

So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it!

Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think?

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me. (GASPS) You're wicked. Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern. I don't really have to worry about her anymore. Oh, do you have one of those white-wine zombie moms? No, she died. She was taking a tub and somebody came in and cut her head off.

That's a beautiful story, Peter, about people coming together to form something greater than themselves.

Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want. The guys only want to do one thing. And that's ogle your wife. If Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again, I'm the jealous type. Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal--

Feels like the very first time

Daddy, no! Please! Please!

We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.

That happened, and we all let it happen.

(CARTER GIGGLING) Carter, knock it off! CARTER: Come on. You know you Jew girls want that dollar. Follow the dollar and it'll lead you to... What do Jews like? Salmon! There's salmon over here. Is there really salmon over there? No. You walk over there and he squirts you with a squirt gun. (LAUGHING)

(GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays! Wouldn't I love a tinker toy

Now, on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought. My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's got to come out. BOTH: What? It's been in the microwave for three minutes. It'll get dry. Now... Please. Please. We can't take any more shtick.

Hi, Chris. You know my name? Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg. Oh. Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked. And I'm allowed to videotape it. Ooh, My skin's getting so slippery. Hope I don't pop out of my top! Ohh!

Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?

There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.

just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk. Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money? Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.

I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats. Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.

It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Listen to these lyrics. "I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches. "I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits." Oh, look, they got a translation for white people. "I give 110% when it comes to helping my community, "even though I occasionally associate "with some less-than-reputable characters."

(GASPS) You guys? Oh, my God!

"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"?

(MUFFLED) Okay. Now, what else you got there? You got a stapler?

I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments.

Wow, that's wacky! There, now. That wasn't so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all? Yeah, a little. Ugh, I couldn't sleep a wink. My pillow smelled like farts. But that's all right, because we're in England. uh-oh!

Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart

You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book

I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.

Oh! British guys always capture my butterflies. Yes, and to add insult to injury, I shall present to you my fanny. Sir Chadwell Heath. (LAUGHING) Oh, darn it. Hey, wait a second. Where are we? Oh, no!

Get the fuck out of my house!

All right, Meg, I need you to listen to me very carefully. Panic. Pay no attention to detail. Let your mind race. Take short, rapid breaths. Then hide under the bed, but leave two of your feet sticking out. (DOOR OPENING)

a smart, sexy, real person who I can talk with and share every piece of me with. I had a moment of weakness today, but, in a way, it's all right because it's taken me to a place where I now realize that you're not too old for me. Isn't that great? You're not too old for me! You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me.

Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Oh, thank God! Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be... Oh, my God!

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)

By all means, take your time.

These are mine now. Hey!

Hey, Meg, nice job on that report last night. Wow! Thanks, Mr. Tucker. That means so much coming from someone as handsome as yourself. Say, How'd you like to pick up A handsome man's dry cleaning? Well, sure. But isn't that Neil's job? Little jerk hasn't been in all day. He hasn't? We got a breaking story! Some geek on top of Town Hall and he's about to jump!

He needs surgery to save his life. But when he is placed on the operating table, the doctor says, "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." Who is the doctor? Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away.

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

- But it can't. - Why not? Well, the only explanation is we've somehow been transported outside the space-time continuum. (STAMMERING) I don't understand. Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show.

Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid.

Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River. That's right, Joyce. Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country,

And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake,

And now you're dead. Score one for Peter.

What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian? Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate. Peter, you don't know karate. And stay away from Muffy. She's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father,

Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you. Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it! I know you're not happy about this, but I am pregnant and I am having this baby! So knock it off, because I have had it! No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant! You'll be fat and cranky and your boobs will get bigger and you'll stop having your period...

(DOORBELL RINGING) Dylan! What are you doing here? My mom wanted me to give you this. "To Brian, from Tracy. He's your problem now. "PS. Will you write me a letter of recommendation "for the University of Phoenix?" No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that. But, Dylan, my God!

I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again. Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.

Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar?

Peter!

Can we get some quiet on the set? I'm trying to rehearse! MAN: Quiet on the set! Don't mind Randall. He's getting into character. Is he playing a dick?

No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good. (FARTING)

HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it!

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire?

Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

What the... Ow! Ow! Ow! This school is not for your kind! Why? (MUMBLING) I still don't fully understand!

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

(STRAINING) I'm not gonna make it. You hang in there, you hear me? Listen to me. I want you to take care of my kids. I will. And I want you to be there whenever there's a bad joke. (HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know.

Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang! (PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Just for the record, I was at the hospital for a brief moment.

(IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like. Will you stop that? Hey, can I borrow 50 marks? Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week? Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap. Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face.

(ALARM BLARING)

Tonight it's gonna be four. Are you saying you intend to kill your opponent? Let's just say you don't want to miss round six. (GASPS) Lois, you can't go out there! What? Why not? Because if you step into that ring, she's gonna kill you. No, she's not, Peter. What the hell kind of talk is that? Now, I'm gonna win this thing.

Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot! It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V.

Oh, I hate vegetables.

Everybody did. (HORN BLOWING) Threepio, tell them to let us go. What the hell am I supposed to say? Tell them if they don't let us go, you'll become angry and use your magic.

Okay. 401-555-1125. Four... Four, zero... Four, four, zero... No, no, I was just repeating the four. One four. One, four...

Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two. It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.

ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her. "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop." Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd!

Very well. Fire phasers! Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter. Well, well. Do you know what today is?

(SCREAMING) Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past? (GASPING) (GROANING) Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

(CAR APPROACHING) Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do?

You son of a bitch!

Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too. I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt. Whoops.

He made me sort the camp recyclables. But some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! (SCREAMING IN TERROR)

shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!

Well, don't look at me. I lost my license, thanks to you.

MALE VOICE: I think we can all benefit from a little strange now and then. I know I will. Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard!

So what do you say we just work something out? So, you're a cop, huh? Let me see your badge. Looks like you're a civilian now. I'm gonna have to search your vehicle. Well, lookie here. What do we got in this thing? Oh, come on! You planted that there!

I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

Damn, it's still raining.

We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

- I got cash! - I'll take it! Suit yourself. Hey, Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place. Hey! hey!

- Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING)

(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it.

I would like a pair of skates Then I'd go out skating But I really don't know how to skate! (LAUGHS) I want a Lexus all in pink And a dad who doesn't drink Oh, and that reminds me Twelve kegs of beer!

Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time.

Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.

Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?

All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home. Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois. My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here. Peter, what's going on? Lois, my people are in danger.

I might just be up for a movie. Okay, somebody really needs to help me here.

And remember, wish it, want it, buy it. All right.

Ha. Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray." Wait, w-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone. Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move. I gotta gEt ouT of hERe! I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband.

edited for goats. KHAN: Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive. Buried alive. (BLEATING) Lois, I need $28,000.

Holy crap!

Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!

and Joe's dead from the waist down. (SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?

I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. So that was my chance to disappear. So I left. How could you do that? Coward! Traitor! If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right. We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. Nice try, skank. Worth a shot.

You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri? You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her. Oh, yeah? What do you know about women?

You could've had both!

Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.

Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4.

Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me.

I'm still mad at you. Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING) ('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, dear! I think we all know what that means. Boing! Gross.

Oh, boy, I tell you I haven't felt this good since I came up with that new place to hide my porn. Have a good day, sweetie. ISPY MUSIC PLA YING)

What the fuck is going on with my life?

Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY) It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl. Oh, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know? They haven't turned into bitches yet. (SIGHS) It's true. What happened to all of us?

Hey, guys! Hitler! Hitler! How's it going, Mr. Hitler? It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants. (LAUGHING) So, how's the atomic bomb coming?

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry.

Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes? Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter. And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown! Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it.

Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house.

You were born in Mexico. What? When I found out that your real father was a drunken Irishman, I went to Mexico to terminate my pregnancy. But God had other plans, and you were born right there.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Someone important must be arriving because they're making a big entrance. (MURMURING)

That's okay, Chris. You're a good boy following the law. But you, Meg, you're going to jail.

Oh! Oh--oh-Oh, this is just great! Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband? Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be.

Don't we need to have a whole new election? There. Now no one will have heard him say that. We all heard him say it. Anybody else hear anything? My wife did. (GUN FIRING)

Stewie, there you are. Mommy is so sorry she hit you. I promise I will never lay a hand on you again. Well, let's not make any rash decisions. I mean, I did provoke you. Come on, Lois, hit me. Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes. (DOORBELL RINGING)

I used to guest host The Tonight Show. Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film.

Naked plastic chicks.

All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round.

Oh, that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.

- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper? I'm just trying to eat here. What did you do to your mother's vagina? Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"? What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING) (SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy! PETER: I can't get involved 'cause of journalism.

Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(STILL PLAYING)

Brian, do you like children? I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

You know, you got some nerve driving around my town with a busted headlight. And a busted windshield. (GLASS CRACKS) And an untreated flesh wound.

"Falcon stolen." Ew! There's a toenail in this. Guess I'll just go back to coughing. (COUGHING)

Wait a minute. You know what? - I think you should play catch with Jake. - Really? Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.

Then that time you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room.

I am very busy. I think Betty White is in PETA. That doesn't even make any sense! (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh. Hi, Consuela. Hello, Mr. Peter.

A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks.

- Shut up. - No, you shut up.

To the Popemobile!

So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes.

Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie. I babysit now 'cause I'm growing up. I'm so getting hair down there. Anyway, you guys should totally come over. What? You're already here? No way! (BOTH SCREAMING) Look, I brought four cigarettes I filched from my mom's purse.

For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

Hello, friends. if you're watching this, I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.

No, No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way. yeah, But you could cut a roast on her faCE. I would go with Margaret Thatcher. Margaret ThatchER? Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? How about you, Peter? Oh, Like you got to ask. The chick with 3 Knockers from Total Recall.

- Stop it. - I have an itch. I don't care. Dead people don't scratch their balls. Well, I can't help it. It's these damn wool pants. I'm going bananas. If I can't scratch them, you have to. Shh!

I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.

Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

"Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?

How was school? Uh, Good. Kevin walked me home. Kevin? He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.

Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What?

Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm?

MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.

Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.

You know, there's been a lot of talk lately about homosexuals, but how do you know what to believe? Well, here are a few tips that may help you tell when you've got a gay. So, uh, what's your favorite Madonna album? I like her early work. MAN: If his answer is anything but "I've never bought one," you've got a gay.

I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here.

Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Big night, Brian. How you feeling? Well, a little nervous. I just want it to go well. Fingers crossed. Will there be an intermission? Because that will determine whether or not I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater. TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go.

Now what are we gonna do? We have no money. Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family.

Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.

You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops. Oh, good. You guys can still catch Briggs.

That ought to show you!

Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer."

If you help me out of here, I know a meadow where the blueberries are begging to be picked.

PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high.

- Say, that's a nice effect. - Yeah. That's really scary. Wait a second. If you're there, and I'm here... ...and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area... ...then who the hell is that?

Wouldn't it? (LAUGHS) Yes, it would.

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there. Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he?

They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom.

It starts with checking out sweet-ass DVD releases,

(INHALES)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Bird, bird, bird

Get on with it. Uh, okay. Here, let me stroke your hair. Thank you. I want to do gay things for you. I... I crave your groin. Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible.

Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no!

Well, an old-time penny show. "The Naughty Flapper Girl." Oh, hot! She's voting! Yeah. You break all the rules, eh? Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl. Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door? Oh, that's the exit. Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance.

You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart! Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry!

Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.

I love slumber parties! Ok, truth or dare? Who here has gone all the way? Hmm? You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing. Now everybody pair up! All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out.

Welcome to the Historical Society Auction. Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. We'll start the bidding at $140,000. What a marvelous vessel. It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier". You are so right. Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan!

Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. Oh! Yeah. No, you're right. You should probably take care of that. I'll be here.

Well, why don't you smoke a whole carton of cigarettes!

Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey

My God, look at this wonderland of treasures. What would a guy like me have to do to be part of this magical world? You are trespassing on private property, and I must ask you to leave. What? Are you out of your mind? Leave this lot, losers. Unless you want a licking. And we'd love to deliver that licking,

It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young...

He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas.

Now, you kids behave yourselves while we're away.

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

ANNOUNCER: Coming this March, Jude Law and Renee Zellweger in The Picnic. Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic. You mean this picnic is ruining our ants. Look around your world, pretty baby Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No.

Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and--and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you. Peter, I wouldn't-- Wow, that's incredible! Ah, What the hell? Cheers. I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to--whoa!

I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues. Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. Let's give you a nice, tweedlie little mustache here.

Really? Well, how many library assistants did they pick? One of four. Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it. Ice cream for Dylan tonight.

Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me? Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "jizz" is.

Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. now Meg, don't you give it all away up front.

Peter, what're you doing? Crack.

Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow! What are you doing here? Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.

The House of Munch is going down the tubes.

(MONSTER SNARLING)

There. How's that feel? Well, it-it's... It's delightful. Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you.

This whole block is S.O.'s. We use the abbreviation "S.O's" because it saves a lot of time over saying "Sex Offender,"

Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead.

Ah! Ah! (STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) PETER: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!

Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you? Hello, I'm, uh, Stephanie Griffin. Hi, Stephanie. What's your talent? I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

(GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you. Well, why wasn't it him this time? Oh, I'm so scared. (GRUNTING) Peter, stop it! Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't you? Okay, I'll stop now.

(ALL GRUNT) Apples! Fire! (SCREAMING) Damn it! Quilters! Advance!

WOMAN: Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois. We should grab a coffee or something and catch up. Oh, that would be great. It was really nice to see you, too.

Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman.

Stewie, what's wrong?

Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.

Those fucking things live forever.

Yeah, look at 'em all. Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

On the road again Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again If we wanna get to Aspen,

Enter now. (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for voting. Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to Laguna Beach.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.

Oh, look, Cleveland finally made it. Oh, hey there, Griffins. (BARKING) CLEVELAND: Oh, that takes me back. Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before.

And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!

Damn it, Julie. I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink 2 days ago! oh, I'll fix your sink, Miss Romano. And by that I mean I'll have sex with you. And by that, I mean I'll fix your sink. And by sink I mean your reproductive organ. And by reproductive organ,

You always used to love the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of bullshit out of their ass in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you. (MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRLS SCREAM) ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards! - Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM)

He's also vile and disgusting.

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt." Come on, Brian. I gotta get to softball practice.

STEWIE: My secret room's bigger. HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.

Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.

Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!

I don't understand, John. The groundskeeper said he saw the mummy burning the flag. But mummies don't hate America. They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.

Was already broken.

No. I don't want anything to do with neighbors. Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again. If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it. Peter, they might be very nice people. "Very nice people." Yeah, that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and bam!

Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial. But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot.

Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

Lord Vader, we're out of light speed and...

It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.

And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you You oughta know for haven't I told you so? Ok, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now. All right!

Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up! Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!

I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Yay! What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.

Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over! Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened? Ah, you know me, Lois, I don't pry. Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang! (PETER LAUGHS)

Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian. Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world. How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point? Okay, religion. Religion! You kill me, I kill you, we both go to Heaven!

You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek.

So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men... to help you with your boat. Are you calling me gay? No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.

Ugh! Ugh! Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. What about the writing- angry-letters-and-not- sending-them exercise?

Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture, you're workin' during the day. They got time to bump uglies. That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy. Lois would never cheat on me. I trust her completely.

Hi, Chris.

By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop. Yeah. You know, our youngest has been accepted to Northfield Mount Hermon. Oh, gosh, is Lauren in high school already? Yeah. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to middle age. My kids grew up. (LAUGHING) Say, you know, when you take that vacation, don't forget traveler's insurance.

QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm-- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat--

Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg? That'll be enough of that, lad. How about Eileen? Ringo got it. Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one. Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What?

That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?

TOM: Good evening, Quahog. Tonight, Channel Five mourns the loss of a dear colleague.

(FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)

It's an Amish doll. They're not allowed to have faces. Has something to do with vanity. Looks like a cross-dressing Cobra Commander. Who? Cobra Commander. He's the head of Cobra. The bad guys from G.I. Joe. The guys who oddly shout the name of their terrorist organization as they're attacking. Guys, we're under attack.

Peter, you awake? It's a beautiful day. Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't die from that weird sleep-breathing thing I have. (SCREAMS) You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day,

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy!

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee? Sure. I get off at 2:00. GrEAT! Uh, uH, Great! I'll meet you here. Hey, hey, You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.

Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could. What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you.

Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me. "So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever." The end. Ah, Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible.

What's a library, Dad? Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside.

I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.

Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say? Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss. Aw, Jeez, This isn't another one of those interventions, is it?

(SNIFFLING) But Brian, I... I don't wanna lose anybody!

Pardon me, sir. I'd like to join. What are your qualifications? I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth and my wife is ghastly. Bombs away! Talk to me, Goose. Please don't call me that.

Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do?

Keep your distance, though, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance. How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, fly casual! (WHISTLING)

(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)

I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!

Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.

Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me. Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now.

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force. But if you want to become a Jedi, first I gotta ask you something. Did you see Van Wilder? Yeah, I saw it on Comedy Central.

Nah, nah Family guy

Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this.

Voice test. "I'm Chris." I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat.

Yup.

Look, Look at this. Queen, News of the World. Check it out. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? What the hell is that? A killer robot monster? No, it's News of the World. It's an album by the band Queen. See?

Ok, disability claim.

Hey! Hey, Aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons? Shut up!

So what do you say? Are we a family again? I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

(CHIMING) WOMAN: I have $50,000. (CHIMING) I have $75,000. Thank you, Brett Ratner. Do I have $100,000? For God's sake. $500,000. WOMAN: We have $500,000. Going once, going twice... Sold to the man who doesn't quite get auctions.

No more T.V. until your grades improve. Now get upstairs and study. Don't worry. I'll talk to her. After I get a little bit of courage from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels. Mrs. Daniels? Mrs. Daniels? Is Jack in?

(GASPS) (RETCHING) (LOUD GROAN)

Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler. Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it!

"and come up there and punch you." Take that, Orion. That's right. All you are is a failed production company.

Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987.

(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman.

The driver turns right into the parking lot of a drive-in movie theater. At this point, the dinosaur in the backseat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it. Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well.

Oh, crap! Did I miss it?

I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twi-- Hey, Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! Get him! Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this?

WOMAN: Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey, on cool 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends. On the radio. MAN 2: In the morning.

Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner?

All right! Fudgie the Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost!

That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.

You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

Can't you feel a brand-new day?

You've gotta be kitten me! Ha! (GAVEL POUNDING) This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries. What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?"

Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system.

About the same? Yeah, they're pretty much... Can I see five one more time? Five and six. Yeah, they're about the same. Greetings, unwashed masses. The following laws will go into effect immediately.

Okay, Luke, this will keep you warm until I get the shelter built. You're sure this is okay? Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat.

I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?

See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too. You balanced our checkbook? Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...

Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Holy crap! Oh, My God! Mom, you could be a world champion, and no one could hit you below the belt because girls don't have anything down there.

What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand.

War! (GRUNTS) Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie

Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man.

We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses. So let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. Oh, God! This is horrible! I can't watch anymore!

Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away.

Jewish! So come on down to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday! Get your eyesight fixed. Unless you don't have the balls. (THUNDER RUMBLES) Jewish!

Doctor? Okay, quit messin' around. Dr. Hartman, this isn't funny.

This facility should be adequate to freeze Skywalker for his trip to the Emperor. We'll test it on Captain Solo. And as long as we're freezing things, why don't you toss this ice cube tray full of orange juice in there? And be careful with the toothpicks. Lando, Lando. Lando! Be careful with the toothpicks.

(STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie. BONNIE: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this. PETER: I don't know, Bonnie. It's just a little weird.

Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it. Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from.

Brian, she's my wife, and you're my best pal. So, what are we gonna do about this? (SIGHS) I promise, Peter, nothing like this will ever happen again. Thanks, old buddy.

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.

(ANNOUNCER READING)

I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years! Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype.

You should see the way I have to pick up chicks. Hi. (GIGGLING)

Boy, you look a lot better from the back.

You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me? What? You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know? Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! BURGLAR: What did she say? She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything.

Well, I'm not Yoda. Okay, I'm Yoda. You're Yoda? You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force.

We're here live in our studio where a checkout girl in a cheap dress who wants to be a model is ready to draw the winning numbers. "E!" TOM: That's a three, honey. Turn it around. This! TOM: 31. Spooky ghost mouth! TOM: That's a zero. Snowman! TOM: Eight. Two sailboats! TOM: 44.

And I think I just got an idea. A much better idea than when I did magic for the blind. Is this your card? I don't know. Was it a red card? I don't know what red is. Ta-da.

Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love?

This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes. Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)

Mr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live. Ahhh! But, hey, what the hell do I know? Ha. I've been-- I've been sued by every patient I ever had. Look at the size of this file. This is--This... Heh. WoW. Ah... Now, Let's just wait for the test results. Finish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap.

Has your father ever killed anyone that you know of? Well, once by accident when he was in the military. All right. You all know your orders. When you see the Taliban come over the horizon, you open fire immediately. Okay, so when I see Pat Tillman come over the horizon, I shoot him. No, no, no. When you see the enemy come over the horizon, - you shoot the enemy. - Okay. Good, now repeat it back to me.

Red-headed lady reaching for an apple

but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot!

So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that...

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them.

(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

I got a knack for delivering bad news.

Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday.

I'm interested. (LAUGHING NASALLY) Bonnie. Would you like to sample a warm French baguette? Oh, my. My intention is to defecate on you.

Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk.

We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second ofall, Ouagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.

and if you can find them,

Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir!

Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not?

Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter. They have killed a great many of us, including my beloved wife. Peter, this is it! This is the evidence you've been looking for! If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify publicly about these atrocities? Absolutely. But how do you intend to escape?

"We have your son." Meg's our daughter. Peter, do something!

Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from. Peter, you did it.

Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking!

(SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?

So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin. Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN)

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.

Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance. Oh... Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house. That seems fair to me. Chris, you have damaged this man's property. And until you pay off the debt, you'll do whatever job he wants you to do.

Am I blue or am I red? This is crazy.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

What the hell is going on up there?

Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice.

Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)

I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know?

Well, still, good for you. So where are you really doing your business? Oh, I found a place. Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this.

(HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now?

So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened.

Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

That ought to show you!

So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.

Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog. Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this.

A woman of that caliber should be married to a king.

Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian. Who else isn't real, hmm? You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian? Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business, hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist?

Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

I was wrong about you! You've gone soft on me, Holy Father! Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good! Are you calling me a liar? Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.

I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys. You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back. I'll never forget that. Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work. (MUSIC FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PLAYING)

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you. You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. You know what, everyone? Forget it.

Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!

Consume! I love you so much. This sucks! Well, you know, When I was your age, we had way better drinking games. Ow! Ha! Ha! You drink!

Who could resist the call of the mystery box? YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right. Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, 'cause you sex me up.

Peter, good news. Your suspension is up. You can have your license back.

I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time. I'm bored.

Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

It's not Tony or Angela.

But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!

I think I might have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned my daughter. Why did I give away my only daughter? (SOBBING) Oh, God!

you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille!

Peter, you seem happy this morning. You bet. I'm starting my new job at the brewery. Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning. Like a dairy cow. Oh, yes! Yes!

(LAUGHING) All right, where's the CEO's office? I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom. Executive bathroom, sir? Yes. Right this way.

You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine.

Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie!

Getting so drunk, and ditching you at the bar and letting those boys take pictures of you while you were sleeping. I was so busy having fun, I guess I kind of ruined it for you. Uh-oh, We got company. Looks like your fans are back, Mom.

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Really? Well, I think it's great that he's out at such a young age. Hey, everyone, Neil Goldman is gay. (ALL CHEERING) Awesome. That rules. Aw, lucky. But I'm not gay. Okay, I'm gay. (ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil!

You're gonna have to pay a high toll if you want to get into this tunnel. Come on, don't say stuff like that. I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.

Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love. Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies? Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes. I've decided. I'm making my own chick flick.

Ah! What the hell is wrong with you? ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up.

Who would you rather do?

the first thing they do is round up the Jews. Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

Absolutely not. Can I at least think about you in the tub later? No! I'm still gonna. Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous. I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche. Well, there is a way you can make it up to me. How?

Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh! This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go...

What's Mom doing? I'll tell you what she's doing. She's screwing up my 6-2 quinella. Damn it!

(YELLING)

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in. It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed.

I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.

Hey, wait. Wait, guys! Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.

(BELL RINGING) Hi, Jillian. Hi, Brian, ready to go? Hey, baby. Hi, Stewie. What the hell are you doing? Not much, really. Just me and my pubes hanging out. Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.

That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall! Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place. Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit!

No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day. (CHUCKLES) Yes, that's a very smart joke. Isn't that right, comedy professors?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. aah!

Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun. (BULLET RICOCHETING) (BOTH SCREAM)

How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!

(Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

I'm home. You're all my bitches now.

If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.

Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say.

I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

Er...

See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep! This doesn't involve you, LOIS! I don't want to have to come in there. I don't want to have to come in there!

(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

Anyone for "not guilty"? (ARGUING) What the hell? All right, looks like we's gonna be here a while. Who wants pizza for dinner? And who wants Purina Moist and Meaty Dog Chow?

(TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard! (THUD) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

So, What do you have to do for your community service? I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program. I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years. When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants,

I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.

The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. What about that graph on the wall that says, "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? That? Oh! That's just something my son made me in art class. Ah. Then what about that poster that says, "The graph was not made in art class. "We really do want kids to start smoking"?

Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.

(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you.

I'm not overweight. I'm under tall. Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis?

Shh. Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station. Oh, uh. My--My blind guy's in the john. I'll point him in your direction. Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing.

Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work...

Hey, Jillian, can you give me a minute? You ever just let your balls hang out, B-ri? You ever do that, B-roney? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri? Give me my hair back. Ow! What the hell, man? Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her.

We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!

I'd sit here and chat with you, but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta, because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! When is it gonna be my turn? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Of course, I'm beautiful. I mean, look at me. Aah. How strange... Should watch road but can't look away. Too beautiful.

Move that bus! (CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever.

HEy, Were you there when I farted?

Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig. How the hell did you do this?

Shut up, you nerd. Hey.

you're gonna need a whole new wardrobe. And what better place to start than the Slightly Open Robery? MAN ON RADIO: Hey, hobo man Hey, Dapper Dan You've both got your style But, brother, you're never fully dressed Without a smile Yes. The penis one.

Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!

And to spend their father's cash Just to take home slutty women And then wake up with a rash Yeah, they wake up Wake up, wake up, wake up With a rash

Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING) Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter.

That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!

Not again.

(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.

Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

What if they come in a different door? Well, I guess we'd all just get up and go to that door then. Is it going to be like this all day, Jeff? Hey, I'm just trying to contribute. Yeah, well contribute to pointing your gun at that door. Mark, why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around?

(SNORING)

Brian, you know I can't do that. I haven't left this house in such a long time. I'm afraid. I know. But I'll be with you. I don't know. Come on, Pearl. There's so much you've missed in the last 30 years.

at the Miss USA Pageant? Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free.... You know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, maybe we could.... Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you.

(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house!

You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No!

Is he... Is he sleeping? Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up! You, lady, wake him up! You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear? Well, we'll dial them up when we get home. What the hell are you talking about? We're about to...

Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long? Oh, My God! You got fired?

BRIAN: Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so f got you this answering machine. So, what's going on? f was thinking about doing something tonight-- Hey, you're home.

So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.

In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art. A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.

Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!

And now I'm choosing to end this conversation. No wonder your husband didn't respect women. Excuse me? I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch!

" don't know, Danny. Look, it's either me or nobody.

You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--

You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?

Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.

Ah, you bitch. (SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING)

I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left.

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Peter, that's insane. That'll destroy your body. Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great.

Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg.

Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby, when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch? Oliver, did you break this vase? No. The floor did. He's so cute. Hey, everybody. I-- Bobby, you get back in the garage! Ow! Ahh! Ahh! Ow! It can't happen!

MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Hills. Justin Bobby was supposed to be here already. - Are you still going out with him? - I guess so. I hate how he pushes his bangs out of his face with every word he says. Order me a beer. I have to find a spot for my motorcycle.

Hey, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together. Hey, You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you got "fine" written all over you. Hey there. I don't wanna come between you. Or do I? Oh, that's awful. That's awful.

Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.

Jennifer Garner in my bed Softer voices in my head Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

No, no, no. What are you doing? How long you been there? Those names is no good. Look, why don't y'all just give me a list, I'll run 'em up to God, and see if he picks one.

You're disgusting. Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection, which is totally unexpected.

Pardon me boy is that the Chattanooga choo-choo? track 29, and can you give me A shine? I say! Where the hell are we? Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat.

You know, Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop.

but he is having some trouble, isn't he? - Would you like to know why? - Why? Because he is a Scot. Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge?

Well, then how come you said you hated spending time with us? Look, I may not have said exactly what I meant. But I can still be your dad, even if we don't have any of the same interests. So what do you say? Are we a family again? I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

Sir, if you're gonna want me to examine where you're having an issue, you're gonna have to be more specific than "thingee." Okay. It's not the front thingee.

I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here! Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you. Plans? What the devil are you talking about? It's your birthday, dude.

But my sister, Mary, shot herself in the face, and that's when I decided that she would live on through me. For I am not who you think I am. I am not little Mary Sunflower, daughter of Bradley and Theresa Sunflower. No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower!

Thank you, Lois. I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian... you look very handsome. Showtime!

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon. Peter, you don't have $100 million! Of course I do, my dear. Now, would that be cash or check? Drop by Cherrywood this evening. I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

She's right. We're fugitives from the law.

Come on, little fellow. You like to jump rope, don't you? I like jump rope. All right. So, you're gonna just sit here and enjoy it. I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair. (ALL GASPING) What?

I haven't seen this much denial since John Travolta married Kelly Preston.

What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?

What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

- All right! You ready for school? - Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes.

hi, mOM. oh, Look at you all. I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking. Thank you, Nana. Hello, everyone. Hi, Daddy. Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt. Did Peter have a stroke? No, Daddy. Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!

You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.

Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers.

Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. Wow, you're a different color than me. Would you like to be equals? Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah.

I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster. Oh, darn it. Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS) How about me, sir? Am I too fat to ride? No, you don't seem to be. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Well, you got to hand it to him. He had a dream and he made it happen.

lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went

Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you. Are you kidding? I think they're great! It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later. Thanks, you guys. That was really cool.

Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.

(RETCHING) Ahhh!

Meg, you're doing a great job. In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you so much. Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee. Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices. But that's my dad.

Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Then what are you still doing here? It's my first house. I'm not very good at this. Hello. Well, dot, dot, dot, hello. Lois, aren't you going to introduce me to your handsome friend? Handsome? (SPUTTERING GIBBERISH) Wow!

your eye is drawn to me. Yeah, that's neat. As there going to be any nudity? Yes, I get naked. You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant?

I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday.

Cowards! What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds.

Middle of nowhere? No, I live right over there.

You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Cadmium? Sorry, tungsten. Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got? Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?" Oh, God, I always get these. Okay, all right, fire truck. Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks? Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything.

Peter, what are you doing? Lois, if you being a model means you're going to be eye-candy... for the whole town, then I ain't going for it. Excuse me? Who do you think you are, my father? Lois, I think Meg was right. Lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise.

Newsroom. Hello. This is Peter Griffin. You'd better stop saying that stuff or we'll watch something else! Today on The View, cooties, the silent killer.

Ok, move the towel. Move the towel. Oh--oh--Oh! They spotted me. Peter, I think this'll be good for you. You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and... Look at me! Look at-- Look at me!

Oh, Peter, you promised me you Wouldn't drink at the stag party. uh, I do not sound like that!

Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you." Come and dance on our floor Take A step that is new

Yay! He's a good singer. Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here. You should have been here, man. Those were the shows.

Okay, here we go. - How's everybody doing? - Good. Good so far. All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

No. Oh, there's Jasper's plane. Where? Third one in line. Oh, it's one of them new niche airlines. (TIRES SCREECHING) Hey, Cousin! (CHUCKLES) Hey, Jasper! Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.

Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.

This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.

Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but... Mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp. I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing. Really? Well, yeah, ok.

Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg. Glad to have you. Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work. Now, let me just go over a few basics. You'll earn minimum wage,

I sure did, Mom. I can't wait for the next family outing. Oh, thanks, Mike. I hate fire stations. (IN DIFFERENT VOICE) No problem, man. (SNIFFING) Is that alcohol on your breath? Yeah, maybe. You're playing this too fast and loose, Mike.

Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here. Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog. How dare you? How dare you? How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk.

It ain't easy being cheesy. Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love. Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies? Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis.

You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae.

Oh. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

(CHUCKLES) You said it, friend. But I wanted to stay, 'cause I almost had sex on this girl.

Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.

Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap. I hope my son is having a better time with your family. (SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING)

Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Oh, it is so good to see all of you. How is everything at home?

Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.

You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.

I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song. Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need. Well, Have a good time. All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television.

We'll be back, StewiE. Wait! Is that a real Prada bag? I'd like to propose a toast. to our neighbors. Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but, hey, if they moved out,

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEAKING) What the hell is that? You're wearing a wire! (TIRES SCREECHING) I am so murdered.

Damn it!

Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?

(GIGGLING)

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN FIRING)

I think I can explain it to you, Peter.

But where will you go? I'll go where I'm needed. Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! TOM: I don't care, Son. I just do not care.

ugh! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, Finally. All right, It says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect. Well, Let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up. Ba-zing! Oh, boy! We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois.

Wow, Jimmy. That was everything Ladies Home Journal said it would be. Awesome, great, thanks. You know, there's something I.... There's something I gotta tell you. Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York... it' s Sa turda y Nigh t!

(GLASS SMASHING)

HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house.

(NEIGHING) Is someone there?

Well, Hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with mE? No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?

Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends. Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian...

My word, Penelope, you and I seem to have quite a lot in common. Do you actually use these? Only when fear, spite, jealousy and revenge demand. I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me. (GASPS) You're wicked. Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern. I don't really have to worry about her anymore.

Get away!

Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...

Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. It was 20 years ago. I'd never even heard the word "rubber"....

(SLICING) Yeah. I just heard the dog got fired. Did I miss it? Did he cry yet?

Dad... Go on, Meg. What are you waiting for? Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but you're a fat-ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks,

Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love

MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk.

I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God. How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie.

Get this thing out of my sight!

It's improved my heart one heck of a heap, I'll tell you that. Pardon my French. This is even worse than the other one. I mean, it's cool I know French, but, Death, this ain't me. What am I supposed to do? If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche. Exactly, Peter. It's called moderation. That's the key to life. You don't have to give up the booze cold turkey.

Well, Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party outta your ass, you'll want to stand up. Dad My friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with her friends. Can I go? Oh, no. I won't fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother? Yes. Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart. Thanks, Daddy! Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck.

Release the owls. (OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here. But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs? That's not your concern. You didn't see anything. Remember that, or I'll ruin you. Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.

Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great.

Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren.

(LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo!

Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! I know you can't understand what I'm going through. All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you.

I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

If I stay here, the king will execute me for telling you all this. He's a real fit head.

(FARTS)

All right, this is our target. The Quahog Bridge.

I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye.

She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead. Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all.

Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. (BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! ugh!

Mmm, good Kool-Aid.

I'm taking you off this plane. Think again, Rover. Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse? You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get them open. Who are they trying to keep out of these things?

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester. HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway?

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.

Hey! You get just a few more of those.

Hey, Dad? Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at K.I.S.S.-Stock? You can do whatever you want, son. Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children. You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN? Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze.

Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition Met the greatest earthquake ever known High on the rapids it struck their tiny raft

That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent.

You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.

I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed. I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military. Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at...

It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!

Brian, thanks so much for doing this. Paul and I are so excited to see your act. Oh, thank... Wait. What? Paul, my boyfriend. Paul, this is Brian. Boyfriend? Oh, come on! I paid $800 for all this crap! You have a boyfriend?

Road House. Road House. Road House.

And just think, this is where Helen Keller used to eat when she went here. Tonight, I want to go out and just get wasted. And not one of these campus bars. I want to get wrecked by a townie. Helen, you're outrageous. I can't believe you're getting away with this. I've been getting away with this since I was seven.

Survey said... Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh?

I don't understand, Chris. Your blind date should be here by now. She answered the ad. Whoa!

How?

You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror.

Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high! Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station! Last time I do somebody a favor! Oh, God! They must have heard me! Oh, God! I can hear me!

She invited everybody except me? What the hell? We dated for six months!

Waiter, there's a dead guy in my--

There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

Mayor West asked me to give you this. Oh-oh. Of course you realize this means war.

In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT.

Yeah, it's me. Use the Force.

You've got your G chord right here

Please Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins. Oh, No, I learned my lesson. Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish! What are you talking about?

What do you guys want? Joan, um, you mind if we come in? There's, um... There's been an accident. This is, uh, not gonna be easy, but it's something you should see. PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business.

(SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

Goodbye, Meg. I'll always value your friendship. I love you, Mayor ChapStick. (BRIAN CLEARING HIS THROAT) (GASPS) Brian? What are you doing here? I, uh, just wanted to give you this. I don't think I'll be needing it anymore.

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. You owe me $34,000. What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money? Peter, I'm waiting.

Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.

God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

I know I don't. Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Sorry, Lois.

Jackpot!

Oh, My God! Who's gonna deliver my baby? Honey, do something! Well, No baby. But it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble. Peter, that's the head! Push! Push! I am! It won't go back in! Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull! Oh, My God! What? What?

Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.

COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy!

I will not fight you, Father. Then you will meet your destiny. Oh, my God! Are you okay? Oh, my God! I meant to hit you in the shoulder, and that whole thing just fell! - Did you see that? - What? - That whole thing just fell. - How?

Could you tell us some stories about her? Of course I can. Right after I show you how to make homemade root-beer popsicles. (ALL LAUGHING) You, sir, are good company.

WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop.

You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.

All right, Lois, I'm hungry. Take those breasts out. Wait a minute. You could've drugged this. - Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this. - What? Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig. Lois, he's got a gun. Look, I'll do it myself. How about that? Uh, I don't know, he kind of asked me.

Uh, This table is reserved for people with talent. Yeah, Stow the 'tude, queenie. You and I have a problem. Read it and weep. "Doesn't work well with others"? Yes. Mine's no better. I'll spare you the details.

All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealing with here. Oh, crap! You smell that? That's brain smell. Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'm taking him to the hospital.

(BEEPING)

All right, listen up, ladies. We got something to say and we ain't taking no for an answer. We are going on a road trip. We don't know how long we'll be gone, and don't expect a call from us to check in. This trip is about men being men.

Now, Put me back in my freakin' body, all righT? I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life. To hell with this. I'm going homE. What are you doing? You can't get in that way. I'm sure as hell not going in the back door. Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment.

You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke. I just work with what you give me.

You can tell your parents that my parents will be there. But they won't be.

(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete. PETER: God damn it!

My God! This place looks terrible. It looks like Quahog was vaporized or something. It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born. And therefore, he was unable to use his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election and totally botched the Cuban missile crisis, causing World War III. Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy?

That's odd. I thought that would be big news. You thought what would be big news? Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety. What are you talking about? Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. Heard what? Brian, don't!

What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

You can't dance You can't sing No, you pretty much can't do a thing Never fear, Daddy's here Honey, you're gonna make our name famous

HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife!

Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah! Oh, my God, this is awful. There's got to be 200 people here.

All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

on your poop deck.

Well, this was quite an adventure. Yeah, it's good to be back in familiar territory. (GUNS COCKING) Where do y'all think you're going? You boys are fugitives of my county, and I'm gonna take you back. Oh, no! I don't think so. You're in my jurisdiction now, Sheriff Butt Breath.

A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story.

We got to send that thing back right away.

Now, look, let's rap for a second. He's sitting informally like us. Let's hear what he has to say.

That was some speech, Dad. Yeah. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it. Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail!

Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks. Don't you think it's time to forget about that boy? Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway. You'll find another fella. I could set you up with one of my friends. Oh, wait, I don't have any friends. I could set you up with Dad. Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg? I certainly would. There, Meg, everything's fine.

(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here. Yes, I am, Lois, but where?

- All right. You got the food? - No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store. It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,

Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.

but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,

Drive. Any particular direction? That way.

Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.

Boy, you got here just in time.

Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.

Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.

punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. Wow, You're doing great for your first lesson. I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

(PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!

You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right.

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!

Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind!

Peter!

Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours.

Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! (BANGING AT DOOR) BULLOCK: Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door!

Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? I'll remind you that I was invited here. All right, who's up there? Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois. Glenn, what are you doing up there? Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay. No airline will hire me after the accident. I'm broke and jobless.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam. That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar.

You mean this room we're in or your bum? No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot.

You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. C'mon, Lois, You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. You Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

(BONES CRACKING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it!

Old people are gross, no matter how cute they try to make them look on Desperate Housewives. Go ahead. Switch over to ABC for five seconds. I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds. Oh, my God, did you see? Did you see how old and ugly they are? Oh, my God, that redhead looks like somebody pulled Silly Putty

Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.

Oh! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm cleaning myself. Uch. You were clean 15 minutes ago, now you're just on vacation. So, Lois is seeing old boyfriends, huh? well, 2 can play at that game. I just gotta find my little black book.

And I just laid in dog poop.

You know how cousin Lou has that kid whose eyes touch? So what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded. I'm just saying that they should have at least had the option. How can you say that? Think of all the love he's given to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad. Okay, this argument isn't working. Peter, what if carrying the baby to term would endanger the mother's life?

No. I gotta get home for the sitter. I'll have the souffle. That takes 45 minutes. That's okay. I can't believe we're doing this, but I gotta say, it feels kind of right. I know, it's so weird, right? I mean, it's, like, fast.

I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat!

I told you not to shoot.

Wait a minute. Christian Science. Is that, is that that thing all them homo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff out of other guys' butts? Don't you understand? Scotty needs help.

You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.

Um... You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him.

Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.

Brian, is this how you're trying to pass your drug test? By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick! No. What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol. No. What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama.

"The trap is set." RV. "On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream." Philadelphia. "Poop chute lawsuit." I don't remember that one. That one doesn't sound real.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for 10 minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God! You got to pay attention to the road. We could have been killed! I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific.

Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja

Who, me? Yes, me.

I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. (LOIS MOANING) Eight fucking hours later...

Really? You don't know why?

Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.

Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I have a dog.

I got you, you bastard! Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? Holy crap! It is real!

Well, I'm off to the farmers' market. I've gotta pick up some plutonium for a new return pad. In case I decide to make another universe later. Plutonium at the farmers' market? Yeah, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think globally, buy locally.

Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun and the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road. Winner!

Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

Peter, did you Xerox your penis?

So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

Stupid song. What are you looking at? Yeah, it's me. Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock? Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock was here? Well, they're dead. And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk.

(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Jessica Biel and Megan Fox Wearing nothing but their socks Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man. - They just came out of the trees. - You saved my ass back there. You saved mine. - Here's to Snap. - To Snap.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Peter, this is ridiculous. Why can't you just be yourself? PETER: Lois, just go along with it. Act like I'm a big shot. (SIGHS) - Hey, Peter Griffin, is that you? - Hey, Mike, long time no see. Wow. What...

and the employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted.

- You what? - That's right,

Hey, Peter.

He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.

Ya! Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems.

Any last words? You wouldn't kill me, would you?

Ma'am, did you have a female relative who's passed on to the other side named... Um... Um... Polly? Polly! I said it first.

Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this.

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

I love you, too, Stewie. You give my life purpose. And maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another. Thank you. Hey. What? Will you read to me?

Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers! Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night. Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me. Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened? Last night,

Hey, you that Griffin boy's father? Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager. Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it? Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had. I sold twice as many buckets today because everybody wants to hit the fat kid. Lynn, cancel my afternoon meetings.

I must escape this infernal babble! Ah! What a little explorer. Yes. He's so full of wonder.

We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh! And a well-funded 401k. Ah! We are gonna have sex at some point!

Mom, Dad's crashing a plane on television. Oh, my God! What the hell is your father doing on a plane? I don't know,

You know I would! So what, you'd kill a bunch of doctors to show them that killing is wrong? Does that make sense to you, Peter? Well... Does it? I guess not. (SIGHING) So what the hell do we do, huh? I mean, we're not gonna solve anything by standing here screaming at each other.

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. Where are you? Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one in her vagina. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Well, I can't decide what to call this place. We'll flip a coin. All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.

aah!

Look, I know you kids ain't too happy with your dad right now, but I hope at least you can see that I'm trying. I know sometimes we don't get along with each other. Hell, if we weren't all related, this'd be the worst table at the wedding. But we're part of a family. And I'm still your father.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell is that? - A sun hat. No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, "no"? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun. Use sunscreen! You don't need to put a circus on your head. This is a ploy for attention. Sunscreens are bad for you. The chemicals get in your skin. Boy, you really want to wear that hat.

Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

I--I've already said too much. I should have known! Her treachery knows no limits! I...Oh, my. Getting dizzy! Oh, Fight it, Stewie! "Do not go gentle into that good night," to quote Bob Dylan. No, no, Dylan Thomas.

What? What? What the devil? It's ok, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. Ahh!

All right. Look, Brian, I realize it's not the Bellagio, but I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Yeah, I know. I know. And, come on, it's not the worst place. Look, the bloody handprint on that wall is giving a thumbs-up. That's not a thumbs-up. That's a hand with a penis in it.

That's his house! undefinedTake that! " got it! Take that, you bum! What the hell are you doing? As that him? Yeah! Oh, crap! Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.

What are you doing here? I'm here with Lois. What are you doing here? I got a call. Is that... Is that Africa by Toto? Yeah. That's our song. It is. But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversations Well, it seems like things are fine here.

And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this.

Ah! What the heck? NudisT!

You ruined television. Now it's just a big, old, silly mess.

Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you!

You snooze, you lose, lady. You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do. Woo-hoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now. Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh!

and it's a great way to stay in shape. Well, we should wrap this up. You're getting wet. Well, I'm living life before the cancer I have kills me, so I don't mind the rain. Water feels good on my skin. It's cool, refreshing, and it's a great way to stay in shape. What kind of cancer? It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Okay, well, sperm is alive, and every time you masturbate, millions of them die, so is it wrong to kill sperm? Yes. Yes, it is. From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion.

I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight. gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!

DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight. Daddy, you're awake! Oh, Carter, I'm so relieved. (GROANS) What happened? Where am I? You had a heart attack, Daddy, but you're all right now. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool.

Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say. You're saving my life. Well, you saved mine. And, hey, we... We had a lot of good years together, right? Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.

(GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING)

Fuck off.

I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

I just don't know what to do with this information. I've spent my whole life as a Christian. I'll tell you what you should do with it. Absolutely nothing. That's the problem with this world. Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spinoff. See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty...

Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... Don't know... And now sports. That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement?

(EXCLAIMING) (SPEAKS SPANISH) STEWIE: Yes. Could you please put Brian back on? No. No. Doggy afuera. You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Listen, I don't want to point fingers, but I'm missing about $1,000 in play money. I take. What? You took it? (AGREEING IN SPANISH) Well, give it back! Come get, bitch.

MAN ON TV: Coming this fall, if you loved Everybody Loves Raymond, then you'll love his brother Robert even more, in Robert. I bet you Debra really gave it to Ray today. I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't very good, but he ate it anyway. And then she got mad at him 'cause he gave her a funny look. I miss Ray.

What am I wearing? A hat and glasses. What kind of underwear? I don't know. Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well...

All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.

Guys, I'm just trying to say... Shut up, beast. I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - Yeah! We rock! Our wives stayed with us. Think fast! We did!

You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist.

Excuse me. Do you have a dollar? I'm a little short. Maybe that's the problem. They're all idiots in Washington. Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to. Yeah. Yeah. Good thought. But Where are we going to find someone within the company who's that stupid? Yeah. And not just stupid. Fat, too.

And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay!

dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.

Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things. Oh, God! And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.

Mayor West, what do you plan to do if you win the lottery? Well, I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four-piece suits. I'd like to join your country club. I assume that won't be a problem.

apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids. Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec. Connie, you are really pretty. I mean, you have filled out something whacky. Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin. I like what you're doing with your boobs. Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know?

I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun.

You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN?

All right, Stewie, since Lois says I got to keep an eye on you, we might as well have some father-son time. So I'm gonna measure your penis and then I'm gonna measure my penis, and we're gonna see whose is bigger. Doesn't really seem fair. All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway. FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids, coming up next,

Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?

One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

We used to give each other wet willies and funny arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt. Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was! But, back then, we were called "pole fancies." It was real good, old-fashioned, grab-the-nearest-tree and-hold-on-for-dear-life gay, not today's fancy, featherbed, thread-count gay.

I don't care what it takes, Brian, I've got to get Lois back somehow. Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies. That's gonna be tough. With President Gore's universal health care, people are living much longer these days. And with zero-tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime.

BRIAN: Yeah, both of us! Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull. Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. So? What do you think?

(GASPS) James Woods! (SNARLS) Thank you for joining me at my humble manor. I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla. Nice to meet you all.

Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more.

(ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SCREECH) Oh... Oh, damn it. I guess we're not going.

Shh, shh, shh. That's right. I bet you're hungry. It's okay. (SNIFFS) That calmed you down, you fucking horse. Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.

Uh... You know, if it weren't for the devil, God'd probably go insane, blow his brains out from boredom, you know? Everybody likes to feel useful. Maketh the world go round. Back to you, Tom. Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, God.

I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.

"Dear Red, if you've come this far, "maybe you're willing to go a little further. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?"

Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair. Look, Lois, it's in the Bible. What's in the Bible? I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes.

Oh, my God. I thought we were friends. The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook.

(BUZZER SOUNDING) All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.

"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!

From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this.

BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods? (STAMMERS) But I don't understand! I thought you were dead! Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not. I don't believe you. God, is that true? God? God, are you there? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

"Your attention is going to keep me "from swallowing a bottle of pills." LOIS: Hey, everyone, I made brownies! (GASPS) I better hurry up. I'm going to miss the show. What did I do? What did I do? I love brownie day.

(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING)

ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear,

Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house. (SIREN WAILING) Damn it, we tripped the alarm. Brian, the cops are coming. Let's go! What? We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas? It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and... First of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian!

Mom, you don't understand! Luke and I really connect very deeply! He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here. In a way, we're both in prison. Well, Meg, there's a big difference there. He's in prison for a reason. He broke the law! He robbed a convenience store to pay for medication for his mom.

(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.

But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house

(BELLS JINGLING) That is so cool. What is it? FRANZ: It's a puppet. Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop. Puppets. And I thought I'd seen everything. My name is Chris.

Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING)

Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No. No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will!

You have to leave in a wheelchair. (SIGHS) JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

Please? All right, I'll do it. But don't expect any miracles. I'm not good with confrontation. Like when I got stuck behind that giraffe at the ballgame. Yeah! Nice hit! Frozen rope! Awesome! What just happened? Ground rule double! Whoo! I couldn't even see it. Yeah, it was something. Ducks on a pond! Let's bring 'em in! Could you please sit down?

Well, obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it.

Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.

" lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing... and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.

God, my mouth is watering just looking at you. Yeah, that's right. You buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened? Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god. Off to another day of jury duty, sweetie? Yeah, and it sucks. Even the vending machines are out of order. (LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)

Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. (BOTH SCREAMING)

Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have named that star for Mort. (GROANS) Just give me the money.

Oh, Jesus. They're huge! Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth. (LAUGHS) Look, it's got flowers! I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em? Maybe someone in space. (ALL LAUGHING) Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

Pancakes!

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Someone important must be arriving because they're making a big entrance.

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me.

You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there.

But the lucky one was me.

Mom, if you get elected to the School board, can you fix it so I win Homecoming queen? Oh, Honey, of course I can. But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right, Milli? No, it's just as good. Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba-ba-ba-ba- Baby! Ah, What's the use? You're right.

Well, So much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop. Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club Card. Wait a minute. I smell barbecue. Mmm. So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom.

And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me. And I want to thank you

we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati. - That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was. Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy.

(SCREAMING) What the hell? No! No! You do not go on this lawn!

And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed

Oh, that was good. That was even funnier than the one where Anus got the hamster stuck in his mouth. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement? That son of a bitch went back on his word.

Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)

Dancing in Chicago

Peter, Do you think maybe it was unfair of us to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy? Oh, Completely. We totally reamed her. D-Did you see that look in her eyes? She hates you.

Well, Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you. W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it.

I can't believe your father organized this. Usually he can't even handle simple tasks. Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!

It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important! This was the guy who ruined my life. The one perp who meant everything to me. If I caught this guy, I'd finally be able to sleep at night. Damn it! (SIREN WAILING) Oh, thank God. Cops.

You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house. You mean that, Brian? Absolutely. Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there.

All right, I am totally flaccid,

I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

You need $50,000, Griffin? Well I got a suggestion for you.

See you, Stewie. Brian, please, can I go with you? It's so boring here. For the last time, you can't come with me. Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time.

(GROANS) More fan mail. Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us. We're gonna be huge.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Griffin? Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen. The Quahog Oil Refinery is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake. I mean, you couldn't possibly have sanctioned that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you? Yeah, I told them it was fine. What? And in return, I get free oil for my hair.

(GRUNTING) (GROANING) MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape.

Awake from your damnable reverie!

And As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. Ha! Kind of tickles. Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes!

What am I supposed to do? Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself. Do I... Do I stick the money directly inside of her? No, you do not. Why, have you done that before? (LAUGHING) Doesn't go over. When do I hit her? For crying out loud, just drink this.

Hang on, hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it. All right. So, we're driving up to get this abortion, and we get to the abortion clinic, and the abortionist has one hand. The abortionist has one hand. Missing hand on the abortionist. And we're there to get an abortion. Peter, for God's... I'll tell it. I'll tell it. So I turned to Lois and I says, "You want to get an abortion here?

Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?

That's right. It's Santa Claus. And you've got to listen to me. The reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick, very sick. And he needs our help. He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him.

Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches.

Hi. I'm Jennifer. Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it. Really?

Why won't this card house stay up? Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought. (SNICKERS) That's gonna be his catchphrase. How did you afford that wood stove? Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove store and said, "Put it on my bill."

Give it to me! What's that? Give it to me, Neil!

All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife.

ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful.

Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo. Well, Sometimes the business world's funny.

- Get in there and throw up! - Oh! Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el.

Ugh, look at that. I remember when this was all desert. You know, when the baby comes, we could probably homeschool him. I can count up to nine. Yeah, hey, so tell me one more time how it is that God got you pregnant. 'Cause when you tell me the story, it sort of makes sense. But then when I tell the guys at work, they poke all kinds of holes in it. So, you guys are going to Bethlehem, huh?

OUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Ouahog Bowling Alley tonight... where a local man, Glenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies I room. Coming up, Diane's weight.

Hey, Brian... Ah, sweet! Morning drinking! Yeah! Party! Peter, I'm not getting drunk for fun. I'm drinking because I'm sad. Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman.

(DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) Oh, my God, Dad! Are they gonna take me? I'm so scared! (SCREAMING) Meg? Meg? (MAN BREATHING HEAVILY) I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.

We have some business to take care of, though.

PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying?

Two shakes, that's it. Move along. Oh. Why, thank you, tinkle fairy.

Yeah, I mean, I was just goofing around when I first called you, but when I heard your voice, I felt like I found some part of me that was lost. Doesn't make any sense, but it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together. That's kind of nice. I guess I could understand that. Now that you're here in front of me,

(PETER GRUNTING)

Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!

Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn. Heh. Look at this. It's some kind of plastic root. There's no such thing as a plastic root.

(BARKING) Who the hell are you? One lucky son of a bitch.

Men, form up Crippletron!

Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more.

(SIGHING) Look at him go.

That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!

Eviscerate Chucky? I won't do it! Look, we're gonna die if we don't. All right. Oh, God! It's like Orson Welles' autopsy. All right, just hold your breath and go. What are you doing? Wiping my feet. I don't want to track any sand inside. Once you get it in there, you can't get it out.

What? What? What is that? What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods. Like you're in the Hollywood set.

Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.

STORMTROOPER: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

PETER: God damn it!

Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns. Is that a baby? Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke!

Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.

The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire. Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money. Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation. No, you know what?

Yeah, checking in. Brian Griffin. You should usually do that. You should check me in.

Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.

Okay, just stop, stop! Everybody, stop! Dad, are you gay? What? Are you gay, Dad? No, Glenn, I'm not gay. Just tell me the truth! I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. All right, come on now! That's not helping!

And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too. Wow, thanks! It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home. You know, I think the lesson here is it really doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.

Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,

So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on--

" think so. Well, burn for it!

And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing

Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.

I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... (VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done.

Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down!

(SCREAMS) (GAGGING)

Who? Bazooka Joe? There you gO. Ah, The United Nations. Oh, I wish Chris could see this.

Remember me, dirt bag?

Hey, Connie pulled a power move. And When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. You say, ok. I just can't understand why you dumped your own daughter for Connie Demico. Lois, it's simple transference. See, to Peter, Connie Demico is really Phoebe Diamond, The most popular girl when he was in school.

(VOMITING)

Is Chris still doing chores for that disgusting old man? Meg, that's not nice. Old people have a lot to offer society. Just look at Kim Catrall. (MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go.

Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past?

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois.

Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do. This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do.

(FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING)

It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out.

What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. Damn, that's awfully risky. It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. All right. Let's do it! PETER: It worked!

Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)

Okay, Quagmire's turn. Truth or dare? I pick dare. No, no. Truth. Truth. Okay, truth. Do you have AIDS? Come on, we're all just trying to have a good time.

Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis.

ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich. Boy, this stinks. It's Friday night and I don't have a date. Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book.

(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works.

Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS)

Okay, Larry, now, how does a Hispanic maid address her employer if his name is John Sullivan? Is it A, John? Or B, Mr. Sullivan? Uh, I'm gonna go with Mr. Sullivan. (BUZZER SOUNDS) Oh, that was a trick question. Consuela, what would you say? Mr. John. That's correct.

Indeed I am.

Peter, what about Babs? Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. Oh! Yeah. No, you're right. You should probably take care of that. I'll be here.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

ThEn Why don't you give him a kiss? No, Peter, get away from mE. Come on. Stop iT. Give Arte Johnson a kiss.

Peter, this is important. Naomi and Dale are placing their trust in us. And besides, it's just nine months. Then everything will be back to normal. REPORTER ON TV: We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. A devastating pileup on I-95 has injured eight people and killed two others. Naomi and Dale Robinson were pronounced dead on arrival at Quahog Hospital.

Oh, my God, Dad! What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh! Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating? Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny.

Hey, who's the director, Brian? Marty Scorsese. Who's the star of Silence of the Lambs? Tony Hopkins. Who sang Hold on to the Nights? Dick Marx. Who is the cast of Miami Vice? Donnie Johnnie, Philly Mikey Tommy and Eddie Jimmy Olmos. You are just douchy to the core.

Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you! What a precious little boy.

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing? Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind. And who cares? He's probably off in a barn somewhere working on a contraption - with that weird brother of his. Ew. (BOTH GIGGLING) ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch. You're so pretty. I miss you.

I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious.

Oh, My God! oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too.

(SCREAMING) (PANTING)

No, you're not. Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done. Can I go now? Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid. If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep.

All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie. The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on. All right? This is my show, and it's a serious, intellectual hour of discussion, and I want to keep it that way. Hey, no problem. All right. In three, two, one. This is The Lunch Hour with your host... Hey, what's up, Quahog?

You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out!

I was totally humiliated at school today.

That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money.

No. None of us were. I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets. I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this. A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire. PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort. You know who I don't miss is Joe. That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us.

Peter, don't! Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. (ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch. Horace, hit it.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Oh, My God!

I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God. 'Cause it's not really up to me. It's up to him.

Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God. ...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made. Peter, do we have to watch this?

Yeah. And did you remember to clean up afterwards? Uh, no. I was hoping you would... - Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay. Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

Let me see that. A big screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets... Peter, someone has obviously stolen your credit card. Well, here's the good news, Brian. Whoever the thief is, he's spending less than my wife. (POPS MOUTH) Wait, look at this. He eats at House of Chung every day. House of Chung, eh?

Butt slam!

I'm packing For K.I.S.S.-Stock and I can't find my favorite underwear. You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trots? No, No, the pair with the hole in the left butt cheek from when I held it in for 2 hours because it was that extra-long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule after Mass, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?

I'll be with Allah soon. What?

Oh, my god! I know you! You're Luke Perry. You were great in Rain Man! Like that scene in the airport where you wanted to get on the plane. And that dumb guy was screaming. That was Tom Cruise. Not in this movie theater it wasn't. Every time I see that lame-o actor, I put your head on his body. Thanks. It's always nice to meet someone who appreciates my work.

(STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

(PETER GIGGLING) LOIS: Peter, what the hell are you doing?

You jackass!

I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water. All right, let's go, buddy. Let's get you some water.

Come on, Peter. We're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad. Oh. Right. You didn't forget, did you? No, no, I didn't forget. Let me just go change out of this fishing gear. Hey, Peter, what's up? Come on, come on, we gotta go now! We gotta go now. Come on, Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on. Go, go, go!

And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg." So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.

You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous. Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius. Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus

I'll do it. He could have one of my kidneys. Well, we always check spouse records for compatibility. I'm afraid you're not a match. But it turns out you are a match for a little girl who's dying in that next room over there.

You Andy Dufresne? A little bit. You? (LAUGHS) I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you?

Not today, Joemama.

ANNOUNCER: Andnow, to fire the starting gun... is recently paroled presidential assassin, John Hinckley. You fired that gun real nice, John. Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men.

I... I got heckled, and went into a rage and said some very nasty things to some Afro-Americans. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Stop laughing. It's not funny.

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?

Hey. Oh, my God. My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.

I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.

What are you gonna name your he-she father-mother? Knock it off!

Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.

Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus? What's the haps? Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.

Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.

Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go. Well, Bill, that's gotta be Bobcat. Oh-oh, Sorry, that was Bjork.

You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up. You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!

Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.

AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.

Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What?

Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here?

Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?

Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband? Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be. Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.

(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here. Yes, I am, Lois, but where? Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before.

Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh?

Mrs. Lockhart? Chris, come down here. I need to talk to you. Why are you here?

I want you to get rid of all this right now, because I am never fighting again. Ever! Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan "B." Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake!

Did you not hear me out there? Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed!

(SIGHS) It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. (CHEWING) Wait. What are you... Wait, hey. (BLOWING) Hey, get out of here! Hey! (SCREAMING)

Peter, can I talk to you for a second? What is it, Brian? Listen, I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us... and I figure, I don't know, I thought maybe we could be friends again, huh? What do you say? I kind of miss sleeping at the foot of your bed. " don't think so. Come on, can't we just go.... " tried to tell you. This is my spot now, Brian.

Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh.

Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg,

Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it.

You're a failure as a worker and as a father! Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you! Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before. You're fired!

Well, let's not be hasty. Your Majesty, won't you please join me as my personal guests in the Barrington Room?

For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is.

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard!

(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?

Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod!

...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here? Yes. Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier.

QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

Clam-ho!

Beautiful! Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, the greatest movie of all time. I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. How could I not have noticed that?

Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. Good night. Not now, Abby.

Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Yeah. I think it looks better. You pasted it over mE. Yeah. I think it looks better. H-Have you lost your mind? Well, Somebody's jealous! Peter, Have you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise.

All right, class, today as a special treat, I'm going to show you this fascinating episode of NOVA that I taped at home for you. You coming back to bed, Rob? Hang on, honey. Hang on. My jaw keeps locking up.

(MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)

Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.

That must be the key to their power! Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa! I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?

I'm Weenie of Weenie & The Butt, coming to you live on 97.1.

Well, what about me?

and America's Funniest Home Videos buys you a shrimp cocktail? Get lost.

Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.

So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog? That's me! I mean, that was me. Yeah, sure. No, I mean it. That was me. Get away from me, you crazy animal! You want me to be a crazy animal? Ok, I'm a crazy animal! Stop! Help! Help!

Stewie, what are you doing? Just getting my bronze on, baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose?

Yeah, I'm letting you guys go. Oh. Oh, well, that's great. Yeah, I didn't get that, either. Yeah, why didn't you just say that? I'm starting to regret erasing that message. Too late, butt-face. Have a great summer, Joe. Peter, I don't understand how they just let you out of jail.

A rally? Sweet.

Oop, you're gone. And the family's gone.

CLEVE: He's nasty.

The sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny.

Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

(LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title. Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight. What are you talking about? Look at me. I got a broken nose.

Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first.

I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. What? It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Latin class. Uh, Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece.

The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This. You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these?

(ALL SCREAMING)

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to? Yeah. Make it out to Charmin, because that's how I'm going to use it. "Charmin." Is that with an "S-H" or... Wait a minute. That's not nice. You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.

Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him. Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian. How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here.

I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass.

Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours.

You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch? Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS)

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Okay, okay, I got one.

(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too? How long are you guys gonna be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats.

Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh? Cleveland, we got to get your manhood back. Now, the first thing we're gonna do is take you to a good, old-fashioned, wrestling match. All right, Cleveland. Nothing like a good smackdown to get the testosterone going.

Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!

I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it? Or do you not even know what's going on? I also am curious about that. Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys?

Why don't you spend some time with your family? I will, during the commercials. And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest?

He purified me He purified you Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again. I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time.

He 's a family guy

Huh. Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities. Don't worry, Brian. I know how to handle this. sir, Are you aware you were going 50 in... I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir. Aw, Crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island.

He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

We now take you live to Peter Griffin Junior High where embattled School Board President Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life. BOo! Throw the bum out! Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at Dad. I am. I just came to see him twist in the wind. Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce? Oh, honey.

My God, we better get her to a hospital. She doesn't look too good. Yeah, she looks worse than Andy Garcia when he had his conjoined twin.

Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in.

Give me that. I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.

Oh, What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese. There's a penny underneath that couch. Somebody's in the closet!

I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.

(SNAPS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Crap. Death! - What? - One more time.

Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow!

And black guys, by and large, they're not so helpful on a fishing vessel.

So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!

Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man. - It's not your fault. - Screw you! Cut it out, man! It's not your fault. (SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough.

I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have?

Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig. How the hell did you do this?

(LOCK CLICKING) What was that? (GRUNTING) I don't believe this. Hello? Hello, we're locked in! (SNIFFING) Did you just crap your diaper? I got scared when the door closed.

You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us.

By George, she's got it! Now, what ends her wretched life? The knife! The knife! And where's that bloody knife? In the wife! In the wife! The life of the wife is ended by the knife

On your marks, let's start the Family Feud! With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!

That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie.

Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one! You told me that one. I sure did. We enjoy each other's company.

This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? Oh, that's just the TV ALL: Ha! Ha! Ha! This one checks her heart rate This one checks her veins And this dispenses gravy for her mashed-potato brains Oh, oh, oh

What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on!

Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen.

- Hi, there. - How are you doing?

Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding.

(SIGHS) Guys, put the money back and get out of there. PETER: What? Are you out of your mind? Tell them, Megatron. Do as I command. Okay, okay. Jeez.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet.

We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy... and threaten the landed gentry. What you got there, my lord?

I think we should go.

But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies,

Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...

And it won't be long Before you and me run To the place in our hearts Where we hide And I guess that's why They call it the blues

I am vanquished.

so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg. I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt.

You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.

never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence?

Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits. (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Yeah! Now watch. (GIGGLING) Maybe later you'll want the real thing, huh? (BOTH GIGGLING) I prefer the Alpha-Bits.

You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life.

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)

How do you plan to do that? Are you kidding? I'm great at getting people back together. I even recorded a song about it. Reunited and it feels so good Doin' someone that you used to do

- (IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE) - PLAYING) Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight

CARL: Hey, what the hell, man. What? CARL: You just made eye contact with me through the crack in the door, like, for a long time. Just seeing if anyone was in there. CARL: Yeah, but you knew that after half a second, but you kept looking. You're gross. You're a gross guy. PETER: Damn it. MORT: What happened?

Cut the umbilical cord!

Ooh, Mr. Snippy. Look, i--I just need some time to think. All right? Yes, Yes. You've got lots to think about, haven't you? Public drunkenness, grand-theft auto. You forgot where I made you smash your head on the windshield. I--I don't recall... Aah! Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.

I'm still mad at you. Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING) ('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR CLOSES) Carter! Carter, wake up! It's okay, Lois. Daddy's just taking your temperature. What? What is it? I heard a noise downstairs. (SIGHS) I'll go have a look. It's probably just the wined. The wind, dear.

There's so much I have left to do. Yeah. You and me both, man. You know, Chris, if by some miracle, we do manage to get out of here alive, I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment. Harry Truman. Stupid jerk.

(ROARS) (SCREAMS) (DEMON LAUGHING)

You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet?

Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine! Go back to your own business! Thanks, Tricia. She's doing fun things for me, for money.

'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, just go to sleep, all right?

and my homeowner's insurance wouldn't pay her doctor bills. Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.

Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong. Peter, that story was completely inappropriate. Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage. You've totally ruined this trip for me. I am mortified to even show my face around this ship. Hey, the Captain's the one who should be embarrassed.

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.

Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh! Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports illustrated.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares? It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that. Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.

She's gone. No! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back.

We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio.

(MACHINE ZAPPING)

Luke! Ben! Hang on, kid. Yoda. Dagobah system. Zima soup. Yoda. Dagobah. Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here! Well, I can't stand this cold anymore. I'm gonna die.

Well... Does it? I guess not. (SIGHING) So what the hell do we do, huh?

(ALL SCREAMING) I guess that store's having a fire sale. (LAUGHS) KEVIN: I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age.

We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it.

Hell, Seeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for. The Beautiful People's Club? H-how come I never heard of that? Lois, i--I can't say anymore. I--I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh... Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know? I mean, you might as well walk into a Zales and say, "Hey, fire me up one of these "and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger."

His movies are terrible.

I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.

He's gonna help me with my math homework. Chris, he's just a baby. Oh, And you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again? Hmm? The University of Duh?

What the hell is he talking about? Oh, It's cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course. Anybody get that?

Ahhh! No! Whoa! ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh!

They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

There's no guarantee it's your baby. Giggity.

Um, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for this test, but I got a good reason. I'm dying. griffin, That's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg Came up with that Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom! But Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying.

Meatloaf for us, and a very special, very delicious, steamed vegetable dish for Chris. Oh, I hate vegetables. Honey, they're good for you. Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime.

Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out.

then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix. Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her.

(CROWING)

I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching. This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa.

Something on your mind, son? Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard. Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard. (LAUGHING)

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

- Do you mean "yes"? - Yes. Okay, one kid's meal. And what'll you have, honey? I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka. Oh, he's adorable. Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy.

Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me.

(MUSIC STOPS) Wait a minute. This is how it ends?

Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon.

So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that... No, that's more or less been retired. I see, I see.

I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up. Oh, Meg, I don't know what to say. All of those things you said about me are true. I have been a very bad mother to you. I have no excuse.

What is wrong with you? You abandoned me! And some larger children took my candy. All right, look, just calm down.

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson! Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie?

That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. This guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. No, this guy. Both of us. (BOTH LAUGHING)

This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same. You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat.

You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis. Well, here we are, Lois. Your first professional photo shoot. Karin, this is so exciting. Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going?

Oh, come on, man. That's not fair.

MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead! Please, there's gotta be something you can do! My little girl is in terrible danger! Ma'am, the men who took your daughter are most likely members of a sophisticated network of human smugglers.

Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once. I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know?

Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.

And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors. Fielding Wellingtonsworth. Hello. Livingston Winstofford. Yes. Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. (MUMBLING) Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.

Let's talk turkey. We want to play the Feud. Well, you're in luck. The other family we've chosen has three daughters, so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye

A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse? Oh, my God. Oh, no!

I'll do it. Hey, Griffins, just checking in. Oh, my God! Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!

Too many cops, too many cameras, too much security. I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day. ANd a--And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-o! Hey, i'm, Hi, I'm Brian. What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again!

Don't worry, Lois, we'll catch him. Hobey, radio for backup. Uh... Hello? DISPATCHER: This is dispatch, go ahead. Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find...

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I've had enough.

No! No!

Perhaps. Well, if you qualify as a genius...

Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own.

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok?

Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break-dancers to do their routine on your stomach. Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing!

Oh, Come on, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris? Now I do.

Well, Lois, practically speaking, somebody's gotta pay the bills around here. Seems like you don't have a choice but to let Chris work at the brewery until Peter finds a new job. Well, I suppose that makes sense. I guess it could take Peter a long time to find a job in this economy. Well, it may not be that bad, Lois. I could see about getting back my old job as a police sketch artist.

What kind of cancer? It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer.

I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying, like people who never shut up about their kids. He would have been four today. I still don't understand. How do you drown in an inch of water? (SOBBING) Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES)

Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!

You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.

(SNEEZES) Quiet! Keep it down up there! What did I just say? I'm calling the police!

You promise? I promise. All right, I believe you. But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. Oh, come on. Just be gay.

Well, this is great. So when you guys aren't celebrating a big bowling victory, what do you normally do here? Uh, well, sometimes we compare women. Talk about who we'd rather have sex with. Oh, that sounds fun. How do you play? Well, it's like, um... Okay, who would you rather do, Kristen Stewart or Scarlett Johansson?

Well, that's just not practical. Spending a week in Mexico With some black guys and some blow Is all I really want for Christmas this year! That sounds terrific. How about you, kids?

Is it hard being a paraplegic? Well, it's no picnic. Unless your version of a picnic is being the basket. Well, you seem like you have a good attitude about it. Yeah, you know, it's like we handicapped people say, "When life ruins your legs, you just got to make legonade."

Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT! That's it! Lois, Your singing days are over.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Shut up! I'm having fun.

then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch, where the elite without feet meet to eat. Lois, this is insanity. I think we should shut down the restaurant. But why? We're doing so well. Lois, let me explain something to you, all right? Cripples are not cool. Hang on. I'm gonna get the picture. Oh, Peter, don't...

Okay, thanks. Well? Well, The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes 2 weeks for delivery. You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight? You cannot tell Lois about this. Oh, And what if I do? I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress.

This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!

to the Land of the Lost

Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.

But I gotta come clean. I'm--I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. Oh, My God! You're a woman? Well, Actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse! Oh, My God! You're a horse?

I only like you as a friend.

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder? What the hell?

Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey! That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am.

Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man. I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody - if you had the money tomorrow. - Yeah, all right. - I'II see what I can do. - Sweet, sweet. Great. - How's everything else going? - Good.

I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the united European Commonwealth? Why, yes. I dare say, that's the fellow. Oh, Let's get him. Oh, Reginald! I disagree!

Peter, you don't want to get involved with the Mob. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen. Butt out, schlomo.

You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass!

But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)

Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy? Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here! Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won!

Hello, Luke. Uh, Have we met? My name's Brian. I was born here. Sorry, son, lots of dogs have been born here. Refresh my memory. Which one were you again? I was the one who could talk. Brian! Come on in! Betty! Look who it is!

(GROANING) Oh, no, I fell out of my wheelchair! (GROANING) Don't help me! I need to do this on my own! What are you doing, Joe? You're embarrassing us. Oh, really? Are they looking? No. They're actually going to great lengths to avoid it. Exactly.

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe.

Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe this is happening to me. Looks like someone could use a greeting card to cheer them up. I put these on my tab. Here, take a Far Side one. The vulture thinks he's a cowboy.

Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.

(SCREAMING) (KIDS CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no! - Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

All right, it's true. James Woods ruined my career! I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down. And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town. That should be me everyone's talking about!

Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!

Ah, don't mention it. No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you. Thanks, Peter. Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer? What are we watching? Glee?

That ought to show you!

It's important to make sure everyone is happy, so I took a lot of polls. Gay stuff. Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.N. interpreter. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Okay, he's mad about something. He appears to be talking really fast. He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

All right, Dad! All we gotta do is tell a little white lie. Just go with it. Is this the Grant-a-Dream foundation? My son Chris is dying! Holy crap, no! Oh, my God! That was the lie. Oh, you sly boots.

Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes.

Hey, uh, Hey, Leif. It's been a while. Too long, man. I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so-- You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night. But--But I was driving. I... I was on a road to destruction, man. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I? C-Can We turn off the cameras, dude?

And if that weren't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job. Affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50.

Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop!

Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff. (WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present.

Oh, stop looking so depressed, Brian. I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl who loves abortion as much as you do. That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy. Oh, things will work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books.

Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie. (WHISPERING) She doesn't know what "Mr." means. Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West, Mr. Oh, my God, seriously.

(ALL CLUCKING) Let me out of here! I can't watch another second!

Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!

No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.

You're doing this thing, which is just, you know.... What the hell is that? And you look like ifl touched you, you'd be sticky... and frankly, you smell bad. You're pretty much offensive to all five senses. That's only four. Well, actually, you know when you smell something and it gets stuck in there... and you can sort of taste it? Yeah. Well, I'm tasting you right now and it tastes awful.

Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

(GIGGLING)

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie?

It wasn't that great.

What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think. These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver. To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster,

What, You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair,

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this.

These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient? Spugizakom. Ew! (EXCLAIMING) What? You thought... No, no, no. Spugizakom. It's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic. That's right, Spugizakom. (MOCKING)

You okay, fat ass?

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store. No, I don't think so.

and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was.

Hold it right there! You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)

Mr. Sheldon? Oh, my God! I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back. (SCREAMING) My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. No, you're not.

Brian, I know my brother. He couldn't have done these things. Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this. Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler.

Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

Oh, I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer. Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am. (LAUGHING) Yes, Officer. - You are such a dirty cop. - Don't break those yolks, ma'am. Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you. I know. Now stick your finger in there and twist it.

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS)

I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it.

Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa,

That's a great idea, Lois. Crisscross! Yes, that is a crisscross. Yes! So we got a deal? Yeah, we got a deal. Face/Off! No, Peter. Road House. Here's your breakfast, Lois.

so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again?

Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance. They're probably just shy or scared. Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom. I finally got up the guts, but i--I had this damn nervous twitch.

Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society!

Oh, horror You have betrayed me Al Cowling said it would be so Kato! I didn't see a thing

Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes. - Bye, Mom. - Bye!

Ya!

Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Well, that's it. I have no choice.

Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. How could this have happened? It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water. Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? Come on, honey.

We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest. We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off.

ahh! No! Don't! Stewie? Look what I found. My trikie! What's going on down here? Uh, We're playing house. That boy is all tied up. Roman Polanski's house. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

And Then Chris starts in with all this "yo, yo, yo" stuff and I don't know what the hell he's talkin' about. So I started beating him with a hose, then my arm got tired, so I came here.

What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right.

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

Uh, Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room. You're Mel Gibson? Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!

Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work... I have spoken!

Oh, my God. Brian was right. Meg really must be obsessed with him. Peter, we gotta find them. Don't worry, Lois, we're the police and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl-Chris. I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. I can't believe you went to all this trouble.

The chair recognizes your mustache.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk!

Dinner was 3 hours ago!

Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING)

I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh! Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, You set out to make him feel better, now he's worse than ever.

That's it, I'm getting those sneakers. After all, shoes make the man. Gentlemen, take your marks. (GUNSHOT) I'm a different kind of winner.

You know, We all really miss you. And Peter talks about you all the time. Oh, Really? Anything nice? No. oh, So he's still mad, huh? hmm, well, I should go. Here. Take this. It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore. Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he coulD.

Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.

Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at?

but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau. Behind the walls of the prison camp, there was one guard who decided everyone's fate. If he pointed to the left, you did hard labor. If he pointed to the right, you died.

Hey, Dad, you never did tell us how you got our house back.

I've got Hugh Downs up here! And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement! Why me? Why the media? I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half hour. Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him?

Look, I make a living persuading others to join my side. But I'd never, ever want somebody to be something they're not.

Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors. I thiNk She wants you to meet them. She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.

Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!

(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)

And We also used to play buck-buck.

Ok!

Joe puts himself in real danger every day. You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero.

You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING) ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in...

How's the party? Oh, looks like fun.

(CONTINUES TINKLING) (LAUGHS) What was I worried about? (SCREAMING) Oh, God!

F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!

Oh, my God, you did a porno? (SHUSHING) Please, please, please do not say a word to anybody. I have never told anyone that, not even my husband. I promise, I'll take it to the grave.

Jane his wife

My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture... you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall.

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object. Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Peter! I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. What? Women are things.

God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right.

(SQUEAKING) All right, I'll take that, and I'm gonna hurry home and show it to Lois. Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere. You're Dingo, that dog that plays all those fart sounds on the radio. Awesome!

Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.

Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.

You think I'd miss this party?

And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive. Bring it on!

I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago?

Well, honestly, no. Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it. I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. (SIGHS)

Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138.

Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family. Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy! What are you standing here For? You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! Not this baby! Hey Lois, you seen my pants?

Time to sign off.

OBI-WAN: Luke. Luke, pull your pants down.

Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along.

Okay, what compound is this? That's sodium chloride. That's right. How about this one? Hydrogen peroxide. God, you're so smart. How about this one? "QM2"? I'm not sure what that is. It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome.

That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.

Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.

Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car! You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research,

Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson. nope!

Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house?

How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING) (EXHALES) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS)

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.

but our society hasn't figured that out! Did you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs? What? Oh, no! Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like. I would try it. I mean, if everybody else was. I'm adventurous. You know what? You know what? This is driving me crazy.

You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage.

I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read. Hey, Lois, what's this word? "Evel." And this one? "Kneivel." - And this one? - "Was." And this one? "Born." And this one? "In." And this one? "Montana." Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana?

Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie. He doesn't seem to be playing well with other children. Oh, He's fine. You know, I was quite a troublemaker myself when I was a kid.

Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.

Lois Pewterschmidt.

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt.

Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it!

BRIAN: Good morning, Quahog. You're here with Dingo... (DOG GROWLS) And the Baby...

Pelican's Reef, huh? Then, that's where I'll go. 'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge. Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore.

Hey, yo, LOIS! WhaT? I'm packing For K.I.S.S.-Stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.

Sweetie? You married a total jerk. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And you know, you could still go to the dance. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it? Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos. Y'know, If you stay home, then you're just proving to the other kids that you don't belong there.

This family works much better when we're unified. You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude. How many times have I told you, no showboating? Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun. I got it under control. Okay, 28-2 right, pitch left, on one, on one. Ready? Break! Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut!

BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here! Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened?

Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights, but I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air. All in favor? ALL: Aye. Opposed? (DUCK SQUAWKS) The motion carries.

You do love me, Brian. Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey. Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about our little talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all. Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

He's a family guy

Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jack... Oh, boy. I still can't believe they're gone. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Well, I'll be the one to say it. What are you gonna do about the baby? Let's keep it for parts!

No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

For pie For pie For pie This is wonderful, Brian. Oh, let's live in this universe. Gosh, it's pretty intoxicating, isn't it? I want to hear more music about pie.

Come on, Dad, there's no cash in here. Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted on your car," with his insurance info. Oh! (GROANS) Busted.

I'm glad you're here. Look, I pulled this all apart, and it looks like you're gonna need a new condenser. Really? A new condenser? Yeah, and I would also highly recommend a complete flush of your photon conversion system. I swear I just did that. Okay, well, how about this? Do you want me to just go ahead and do that while I'm replacing the new condenser?

Yeah. Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro.

Look Meg. I'm that pretty, dark-haired figure skater with the horse teeth. You know, the one who got what she had comin'. Nice figure 8, Mom. Ha! All right.

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)

Oh, God. I know karate! Look! A tasty little baby!

Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin.

Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but... Mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp. I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing. Really? Well, yeah, ok.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry

Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me.

Well, I'm gonna turn in. Yeah. Me, too. I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically cleansing the "Small World" ride. Oh, Come on. You guys practically run this country. There's gotta be a ton of fun stuff we could do. All right! Oh, man! There's a tollbooth.

Oh, and, uh, you're so pretty.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Well, Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I Came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois. It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone.

Now, what do you want?

Ow! Oh! Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Gonna take a bite, nope, nope She's gonna breathe on it first

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.

Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!

Aw, crap! Death! No! You know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this. No more mulligans. You're on your own.

Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again! No! oh, This has gotta stop. Oh, God! It smells gross. Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears. That's odd. It looks like someone already tried to clean it up. No, it doesn't. Mine smells like soda.

(AnnOunceR) Chris Tucker and Jim ca-cazeve-cave... Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This.

And then I got pulled over for speeding. License and registration, please. Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir, you know what that means.

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons.

I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing?

She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?

And action!

(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit.

I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud.

All right, Brian, you can do this. You can dump her. Because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence? Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh, damn it. Now I'm doing it, too.

Thanks. No, n-Now, come on! I--i'm being-- I'm being serious. I gonna to be serious here for--for a second! A-are you gonna-- Are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me? so I can tell you that I respect you?

Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise? It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?"

Well, Hey there, little boy. Are you loST? Now, listen to me, Jolene. I've got an army to raise, and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles. Henry, I have a lost little boy. Well, Hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with mE? No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you?

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.

(ALL SHOUT) (JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much! (SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt.

You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?

When the time comes, you'll know. Damn it!

(CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

I have been a very bad mother to you. I have no excuse. I just have this horrible, overwhelming desire to point out faults in you. I don't know where it comes from. Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a bad parent. I'm just, I'm so disgusted with my behavior.

but mostly I'm excited about all the good I'm gonna get to do. Wow, look at you. All that power and you've still got that body. And the first thing I'm gonna do as mayor is clean up Lake Quahog. Well, I know the people will support you, Lois, because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow!

(HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants

You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING) What are you doing here, Brian? Still trying to smear my boss?

I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.

Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?

Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!

I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious? All right, Chrissy. Here we go. (GIRL 1 GASPS) BOY 1: Look! BOY 2: Oh, my God! BOY 3: Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico? BOY 4: I think it is! GIRL 2: Wow! That makes him popular. JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin! JOCK 2: Griff-a!

Now, I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but don't you think you're a little small? Listen, I tell you what. You can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal. Oh, no! They're after me Kevin Connolly charms!

Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think?

And there's Warren Buffett. So, the gym teacher says, "How'd you get the two black eyes?" She says, "I don't know." Oh, I forgot to say she's got two big jugs. (LAUGHING)

Here's Misery. Marcia, I've done it. I've finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead. And the readers are just gonna love it.

I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace.

Oh, my God! That's Jennifer Love Hewitt! Wow! I wonder who she's here with? She could date any man she wanted to. There. Made lots of room. Hey, waiter. That--That sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, That's only for the staff, right? Uh, Technically, yes.

Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois.

God, I hate PBS.

I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul! I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escapE! Welcome, gentlemen!

Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me? I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois.

I gave the next speech after the Braveheart guy. They can take our lives, but they can never take our freedom! (ALL CHEERING) And, and, let's not forget the tax they levied on properties that are in abutment of church lands. So, yeah! Let's do it!

The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars. What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole.

Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.

And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.

Um, you're going a little low there, Lois. (CHUCKLING) Okay. I'm sorry. (SAWING) QUAGMIRE: Giggity! (SAWING CONTINUES) Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby. Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin? He died in Iraq. Sad.

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes

What the hell! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot.

No, thanks. I had some in the car.

(SIGHING) No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

(WIND BLOWING) Stewie! What? I have to tell you about the future! What? I have to tell you about the future! On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael. I have to tell you about your future.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Oh, my God, no, Derek!

Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out. Okay, for starters, why don't you just lay back and relax? Loosen up them trousers. Now, feel the air between them toes. Feel a gentle wind blowing the hair on them legs.

Hey, Lois, remember our wedding? Yeah, I sure do. Remember the dance? Of course I do, Peter. Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin? I think her name was Flora. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm ready! I'm ready! What? Shut up for 10 minutes and pretend we're in the back behind the speakers.

Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace. Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream.

I love my job. Yum, yum, yum...

Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.

and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was. - Oh, you know what it was? - What? You know what it was?

Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you. Sure, Peter. That'll be $50. Fifty bucks? All right, fine. I'll buy it. Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING) Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.

Bully. Bully. Yes, bully. Oh, thank God we live in this time.

There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?

Omar is our top student, and we're hoping he'll lead us to victory next week in the district spelling bee. What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something? Picking on the new kid, huh? Well, at least my parents didn't name me Gaymar! (LAUGHING) Wow, I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now! PETER: But it was too late, and she died from a rotten vagina.

Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one!

My tulips! You dick.

Hey, Quagmire. Just taking the family on vacation. That's good. Hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! (CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass.

(ALL CHEERING) Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense, now that he lives on Boner Street.

Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.

Dad! I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy.

Oh, my God, is it 7:50?

Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday. There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now.

like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.

Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors. PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: It's quite all right. I've seen worse. (WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING) PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: A human centipede. How ghastly! Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin. You're a war hero.

mmm. Who would think that a woman with such beauty would have the culinary skills of Emeril Lagasse? Oh, well Thank you. Ha! Ha! Bam! Oh. Ahem. Peter, don't you have something to say to Mr. Weed?

I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!

My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed! How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of. Well, I am gonna change. You hear me, Meg? If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says.

But in here, we call it DaCow. - DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w. Like "cow." So it's kind of... It's sort of a dark joke. Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's really funny. Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy! That's what my ex-wife said. For the son of God, you sure are a son of A-- (AnnOunceR) Chris Tucker and Jim ca-cazeve-cave... Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from the first one?

Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that.

What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.

It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine! Ding.

The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight.

When's his birthday? I think it's in March. Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Peter, what the hell is all this? Well, I'm a bachelor, so I invited a bunch of people over, and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do.

(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)

My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead.

I know. I love coming here because you can just sit here and people-watch, you know? Oh, oh, look at this. Look at this guy. Look at this. What is that? What is he doing? Just standing there, smelling his hand? "What is that? (GIGGLING) "What is that on my hand? Is that barbecue sauce? (LAUGHING) "When was I near barbecue sauce?"

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois, I'm a worker, I make stuff on things. Oh, I'll file these later. Oh, I got a phone. Nope, that's it.

If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?

Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.

Finally.

We're gonna be a Nielsen family? That's awesome. (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS) I think, uh... I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go.

Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous.

World War V.

You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing.

We're hurting our own hometown.

So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser.

Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay? Guilty

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little? (LAUGHING) Yeah. And what does a chicken say? "Moo." (LAUGHS) Why not? Come on, Ma. Hey, what gives with the suitcase? Tom, there's no easy way to say this. I'll just come right out with it. I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Why?

How are we gonna find gauze and bandages in the middle of all this crap? I think he keeps them next to the 1,000-piece puzzle of a lobster trap. I don't see it. You mean, next to the Kadima paddles, or next to the basic black sweatshirt with no writing on it? No, I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail.

and we still have to change in Atlanta. Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home? It's you? Are we already out of our own characters? What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole? Yeah. Well, now there's no trench. Great. Is there a hole?

First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?

Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!

Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed That with the sun's love In the spring

I don't feel so well. Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin. Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over!

It makes perfect sense, Lois.

All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.

My God! He just walked right over the edge. Of course, he did. Christians don't believe in gravity. Peter, it's back. What, that rash? No, No, the spark. Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.

I just hope whoever moves in doesn't mind the Persian birds next door. Eh! Tweet, tweet. Check out my expensive fountain. (CHIRPING) Dad, look.

Now batting, Stewie Griffin! (BEEPING) Oh, crap. Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David.

I wasn't ready. Hi! (EXCLAIMS) Wonder Woman (JEERING ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.

Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.

There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny toes There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat. A doggy.

West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four.

Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice. Boobies!

(SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg.

Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.

Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.

(BLEATING)

Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me ju-ju-ju-ju-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street

Well, we're real proud of you, Lois. And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. Dad, come on! Peter! For crying out loud! What? I'm fun.

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka It doesn't keep me up at night, but it helps me poo. (SOBBING) Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks.

Hit it! Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather... You have crappy judgment anyway.

Do you ever stare up at the night sky and wonder if someone might be looking back at you? No. But just in case look at this, you freaking aliens! Oh, Ah, Hi, Bonnie. This is my friend Big Fat Paulie. And, uh, This is his big fat ass.

Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place, it's illegal to disturb it. But He can't walk around with a bird in his beard. I'm sorry, You have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff. It's great to learn. Because knowledge is power!

What exactly are you looking for? According to my schematics, it should be right in here. Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that.

What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God.

Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude (BIRDS CHIRPING) The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring"

(INAUDIBLE)

Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news.

And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. Nope. Now, now. The doctor says I'm gonna make a full recovery. The important thing is, you learned your lesson. I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. " feel like such a bastard. Me, too. For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better. Thank you.

There. I just saved you 2 long, boobless hours.

(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!

I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea. (RUMBLING) Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work. - See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube.

Lights, please. As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something!

Oh, come on! Do the truffle shuffle. Childhood obesity. Lois, come on, what are you doing? I can't do it, Peter.

What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?

Melanie! Melanie! Over here. You look beautiful. Can't hold on much longer. (ALL GASP) I should have stayed in bed.

(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.

Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.

And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)

Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be... Um... You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him.

No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation? Well, I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular. He sure did. Who needs drugs when you can go to the dance with the coolest guy in School? Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain!

All right, Lois, if that's what you want. Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00. I'm sure we can figure something out. (LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh. I knew I didn't like the sound of that laugh! Peter, this is unacceptable! What gives you the right to treat me like this?

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.

But you promised the fat one would perish. I know. Isn't it wonderful, honey? Your father is alive and well, and we can be a family for a good long-- Who--wh--wh-- Who are you? I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm DEATH.

Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear I'll love you for all time I'm just a fool

Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

You bastards come into our village, and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!

Why, you... (GRUNTING) (GROANS)

No. It's not the same thing. Joe puts himself in real danger every day. You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero. Unless I put myself in real danger, too! For my family's sake! Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?

(CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.

Thanks a lot for your help, boys. Nice work, Swanson. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

and in Spanish, it's called The No-Sex Man Comes to Town. And here's Airplane! and in Spanish, it's called Incredible Flying Joke Bus.

Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.

Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in 10 minutes. I'll be right back. STEWIE: Hmm. I think I have time for a quickie. (MACHINE BEEPING) (WHIRRING)

And now, please welcome Mr. Bruce Jenner.

Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. Ah, What a gorgeous day. Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun? It's always a nice day with 2 scoops of raisins, Peter.

What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

I got it

And now, let's meet our star! Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles! All the fish in the bucket now! Not one fish at a time as a reward! All of them! Okay, okay, take it easy.

Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off. Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there,

Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.

Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?

MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talking or you get busy dying. The work is really quite easy. Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair sipping some tea and reading from a script.

Oh, y'know Honey, you don't have to do this. Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

There we go. Who's my clean little boy? (STEWIE GIGGLING)

Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

PETER: No, you're going to yell at me! You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names. You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation. Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois. Would that make you happy if I was never born? What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?

My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol?

Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.

I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble. Is there any more to this message? Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin.

You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek. And initial here...

(RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations. Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping?

Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.

and my shirt was ruined. So, that's what that was.

Oh, God, Brian, we messed up bad. We messed up real bad. (DOORBELL RINGING) Howdy, neighbors. Come on in. Hey, Lois, Peter and Molly are here! Chris, say hi to Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Hi, Mr. Griffin. How's it going, man? Chris, Stewie! Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter.

Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault We have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

Sir, we've got a man down. Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something. Shoot me.

Well, I guess that's it. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve her. Come on, Peter. Prove to Lois that you love her. It's your last chance.

(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off!

I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin. Well, I don't know if I can compete with the rest of these people, but here goes.

Hi. Cookie? No, No, actually it's Stewie, but-- Well, you-- you can call me Cookie if you like. Yes, I've also been known to answer to Artimus, Agent Buchwald, and Snake. Yes, Yes, i--I rather like Snake. Snake Griffin.

The reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick, very sick. And he needs our help. He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. But there's a way for us to help him.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E 'Cause that spells booze

(SCREAMING)

(TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.

Hey, listen, we're at the movies and they're showing the trivia cards and there's a question up there that's just stumping us. It's, "What color is this?" QUAGMIRE: Well, what color is it? That's what I'm asking you. QUAGMIRE: I don't understand, Peter. You're there.

Welcome to the Quahog Fire Department, folks. I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Laz