MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,
Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, Well, who knows what else we changed.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on The Tonight Show,
movie star, George Clooney.
Oh, he's good.
ANNOUNCER: Comedian, Dave Chappelle.
He's funny. Like him.
ANNOUNCER: And musician, Harry Connick Jr.
Wow, what a show.
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's...
Chevy! - No.
- No, you do not,
because Mark Harmon is cool.
And I know what you're thinking. "Peter, this is just like your Gil Gerard speech."
And you can stop right in your tracks, because it is not.
Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it...
Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is,
and if you don't, that's your problem.
Fine, then, I'll deal with this myself. (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it!
All right, take it easy. "Uh, uh, uh. Not that product."
MALE ANNOUNCER: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than 100 grams of sodium?
Uh, uh, uh.
Keep going. Not that one.
Uh, uh, uh.
Not that one either.
Uh, uh, uh.
Nope, not that one.
Look, this isn't even for me. It's for my homosexual lover. Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key.
Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk,
weren't we, Lois?
We've been getting better acquainted.
All right, well, just give me the key, please.
All right, Peter, I'll get it.
Don't put a gun in my back. (GUN COCKING) Dog, answer it. Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine."
Yes, Joe, everything's fine.
Oh, okay, good.
Make fun of his wheelchair.
What? What?
Do it. Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair."
Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair.
What's that supposed to mean?
Say, "I bet you can't get a boner." I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison!
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid?
Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid.
Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some?
All right, fine. Tilt your head back, Oh, have you not heard?
It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
Heard what? Brian, don't!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word Brian, don't you know about the bird?
Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird - Okay?
- Jesus.
It's been like this all week. Watch this.
Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that.
I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?
Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir,
and that, sir, is an idiot.
Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank.
Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further.
That's more like it.
Tell me, what are the tank's safety features?
What a good-looking question. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude.
Please get nude.
Peter, you don't have to spy on me.
You're my husband. Come on in.
Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy!
Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants.
In the front this time.
That's all right, Peter. Hey, Griffins, just checking in.
Oh, my God!
Holy crap!
Stewie, you killed him! He's dead!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?
Oh, poor Cleveland.
It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now. Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips?
Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it.
You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull.
Uh, I'm not breast-feeding.
All right, fine. God, you're pushy.
Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
Hey, cut it out! So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck.
Knock it off! Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance.
What's wrong with you? Look at me, everybody. (BOTH WHOOPING) I think we got a show.
Oh, yeah, we got a show. We definitely got a show.
Oh, yeah, there's a show.
MAN ON TAPE: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease.
But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms,
the fact of the matter is, movie star, George Clooney.
Oh, he's good.
ANNOUNCER: Comedian, Dave Chappelle.
He's funny. Like him.
ANNOUNCER: And musician, Harry Connick Jr.
Wow, what a show.
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's...
Chevy!
Oh, God, Brian, we messed up bad. We messed up real bad. Of course he was. He was the star.
No, you're wrong. Look it up.
I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge.
- He was on the cover of...
- No, no, no.
- ...People magazine when the movie...
- No, no.
- Everyone knows...
- No, no.
- ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose.
- No, no, no!
- It was a huge movie. He was the lead.
- No, no, no, no!
No, no, no...
(BRAYING) Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!
Can I have a hug, Brian?
Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no!
I want a hug! I love...
No, no. Just wipe...
Oh, God, there's no Kleenex. I love you, Brian!
I love you so much!
Go... Go roll around in the sandbox...
In the summer house! Go... Go to the summer house and roll around! Hey, Brian, welcome home!
How was your book signing?
Jeez, Lois, could I have, like, five minutes to decompress, please?
It was a really horrible flight,
and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold.
I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster!
That trip was sheer hell. This... This is Stephanie.
Hi, everybody! Oh, my gosh! I never thought I'd meet Glenn's friends!
Yeah. I figured, why not?
You know, you, we, you and I see each other from time to time.
Oh, my God! We, like, never see each other! This guy!
You, like, disappear for a month and then you call me? Looks like we got a joker here.
What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, no shit!
You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.
What's your name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, la-dee-fucking-da! Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
What?
Something very special, Lois.
What is it, Dad?
What, you haven't heard?
Fuck!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something?
God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m.
Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want...
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man!
- Are you okay?
- No! .
I didn't see him.
(SCREAMING) Who said Marguerite?
Peter, it's just for a week.
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no,
no, No! Please, God, kill me now.
No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter!
Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
I do.
You bastard. Oh, my Lord. Look who's here.
Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Seven. Seven prostitutes.
This is a shakedown.
Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work.
Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird?
Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going,
bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam!
Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.
Bam, Bam, bam!
And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah."
Bam, bam, bam!
You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam!
You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! Andy Richter Controls the Universe Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up,
The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real,
FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Now, they tell me in your next movie,
we get to see your butt.
YEs, uh, Yes, you do.
Can--Can we see it right now?
Um, welL, uh...
HA, All right, HITLER.
Oh, oh! He's going to do it!
if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler,
call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen! Attention, everyone, mail call!
Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook,
World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.
(ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. Yeah. How's it going?
Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here?
Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys.
Lucky for me, huh?
No, a hobby's good.
All right, Peter, your time's up.
Oh, man, already?
Yup, come on.
(GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career. Sorry I'm late, Lois.
Peter, what are you doing here?
Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it.
I've missed too many other opportunities.
There he is. Took you long enough.
Just what we need.
Hey, guys, I'm coming in.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
Oh, God!
Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. Waiter! Oh, waiter!
Yes, sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order?
Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy,
and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak.
Right away, sir.
Peter, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with getting me acting jobs.
Tom, who's the agent here?
You are.
- And who is the actor?
- Well, I am.
Wait, which one am I, again? The agent. So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me?
What?
You know, where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys take turns. You know?
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay,
I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home.
And I don't mean the classy,
"Maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys.
I mean those big,
"Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys, I mean, he's got, like, one good song.
Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible.
Yeah, the opening's okay.
And I guess you can't hate Copacabana.
Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
Daybreak is a good song.
Oh, yeah. That's a good song.
And I like Weekend in New England.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad.
Right? Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that.
I just think, you know, I just think,
"Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?"
Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do.
I don't know what I would do.
Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough.
Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no.
You do not understand. Until you have a child... Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets?
Sure, Brian.
Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers!
Well, all right, maybe just one.
Cherry.
Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more! You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here,
so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay.
(ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Excuse me? Brian, let's just go.
No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on.
You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane.
I said, I can't.
- Eat it. Eat the damn steak.
- No.
- Come on! What are you waiting for?
- I can't.
- Eat it, Joe. Eat it!
- No, no, no.
Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry!
Where is it now, huh? Where is it now?
Easy, sailor, easy.
Put the gun down, Joe. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,
Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
Name six more.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,
Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Name five more. Tracy, Jean,
Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences,
but after years of drinking,
he can only speak in short, choppy utterances.
Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were,
he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed.
- Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
- Cher! Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that.
I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?
Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... Brian, could we really?
Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business.
Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know.
I'm going to be on television.
Great.
Yes.
When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
"Yeah, well, good luck with that."
Yutz. Uh, No, uh, this is it.
Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball.
because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum.
What might be right for you,
may not be right for some.
You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both, and there you have my opening statement.
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. Uh, Excuse me, uh, Mr. BlacK KNIGHT?
I'm busy.
Oh, well i-I just wanted to thank you.
I-I don't know if you remember, but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path.
AHh!
Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all righT?
Oh, Ok. I'll come back later.
Damn rookies. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know?
You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh?
What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet.
Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here.
No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink.
It stinks over here, you jerk.
I can't hear you over my central heating.
- Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison.
- Hey, bite me, man. Gentlemen, I give you the Asian.
ALL: Ooh!
Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent.
The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient.
We're projecting 10 billion within five years.
Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason.
Do they eat just, like, regular food?
No, no, no, the opposite. 5% of the country has.
Well, yeah, you forgot "want it,"
which is such a big part of the book.
I mean, but you know, then again,
you just said you haven't read it, so, you know...
Actually, since I said that, I did read it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say,
aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,
Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. The emotional storm.
Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's...
Come here, come here.
Stewie'll take care of you, you big drug-aroni.
Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Oh. My problems?
Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role model mother?
The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, (TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE) Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother!
You told her I told you I kissed her?
Dude, you broke the bro code.
That's not against the bro code.
Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man.
Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code.
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage,
say hello, but don't drag your ass,
'cause I want to go the reptile house.
Oh, And we got to see those pandas.
Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison.
Quagmire, what are you doin' here?
Ah, It's conjugal visit day.
You know, I love doing a woman in the can.
Who else but Quagmire? MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,
Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
Name six more.
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,
Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Name five more. Tracy, Jean,
Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.
Go fuck yourself. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT.
Who said Marguerite?
Peter, it's just for a week.
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no,
no, No! Please, God, kill me now.
No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter! Spidey, can you swing us across with your web?
No, I can't swing you across.
And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey.
I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey.
Yeah, close friends.
- What's your name?
- Peter.
Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.
Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.
And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man,
so how do you think I feel? Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie...
No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too.
Stop punching me.
Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up.
So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,
goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine.
She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone.
And he's left her a note that says,
"Thank you for a lovely evening.
"However, I don't think this is going to work out.
"P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Meg, stop it. Come on.
All right, all right, Meg, look, what if I...
What if I drove you and walked in with you or whatever?
(GASPING) Brian, will you go with me?
- Are you going to kill yourself if I don't?
- Yeah.
(LAUGHING) Well, then my hands are pretty much tied.
Oh, Brian, thank you, thank you, thank you. 
