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The Messiah, he's gone. Where did he go? Hang on. Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!
Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about?
Room service! We didn't order no room service. Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar. 'Cause, uh, The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers. All right, wise guy, who are you? Look, I'm just a faithful Catholic man with a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve.
Good God! Running an empire is harder than finding diversity in the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. STEWIE: Ooh! Ooh! There he is. There he is. Right there. BRIAN: Ah, found him. That was a tricky one. (CHILDREN CHATTERING) GIRL: No kidding. He looks weird. What the deuce is all the commotion?
(ALL SHOUTING) (SCREAMS)
Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry.
Mom, there's fleas all over the housE! There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator! Hmm.
Wow, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-te-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING) Hello, family.
Thomas, what are you doing? Experimenting. (LOUD ZAPPING) Brian, look!
I have no idea. Linda Evans and John Forsythe They're coming down big, long stairs Come on, Brian, you know this We're all rich And we're all at least in our late 50s
We must be early. Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.
Can't you just come in here? No, I'm busy! (CLATTERING) Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh!
But this is where I belong. I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg. I love you, Eli. I'll always love you. If this is what you have to do, then, all I can say is... I'll never forget you.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's President? Peter, you're the one from the future. You should know... Ah, forget it. Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought.
Hello, is this Megan Fox? I will kill you, do you understand? If I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you. This is Tom Tucker. Well, I know who you are. (LAUGHS) It's fun to see how people react when they're on the spot.
Hey, Meg. I heard what happened. Yeah, Kent hates me now. You made a mistake. I know you feel terrible, but you're not a bad person, Meg. You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so. All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night.
Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minutE. Ha!
- Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On 3. 1, 2... aah!
You're back! (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yay.
(I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.
Looks great! Wow, you really fill these things up. Hey, do you think maybe you'd want to hang out sometime? What, you mean like a movie or something? Yeah, or maybe lunch? I had a bad experience last time I went to the movies. We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis. No! No! I reject the premise of this!
And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife! Although I was aware of it! Anyway, you're dead!
Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Your bum looks like an NBA guy's arm. Except it's not payin' someone to install a PlayStation in a car. Lois, you do know that's permanent? Good. Then that means my ass is gonna look young forever. Guys, I, uh... I gotta go shoot one into the sink. What's going on?
We just ask that you don't drink during your shift. - That won't be a problem, sir. - Great. I'll be right back with your ID badge. Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants? Oh, look, who's here. Mr. "I don't have time for your Little League games."
Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here! Just push the... Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing. Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV!
" wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you! Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean.
Face. There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold!
Oh, my God and baby Jesus, we're going down! Quick, get the parachutes! There are no parachutes! All I could find was this! A raft? We're not sinking. We're crashing!
HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?
I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor. Oh, don't worry, I watch Regis and Kelly. I can handle it. Oh, so, you know. This is my husband Ben.
Brian, she's beautiful. Yeah. And--And that voice. I--I had no idea.
f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps.
A weaver of dreams at the loom of the mind. A neat thing I just said. And now sports. Oh, Chris, we are so proud of you. I got to admit, Chris, this is pretty exciting. When did you become so coherent? Mom, I wrote that! He stole it, and he's taking all the credit! Chris, is that true?
Hey, it's got to be 5:00 somewhere, right? (LAUGHING) Okay, fine. I'll make you one, you tell the story. He can be such a nudge. So, anyhoo, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I'd gotten a haircut earlier that day, the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything. So all of a sudden, we get these orders. And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet. I remember the sky was a majestic orange.
Will you just tell us about Peter's tests? Ok, Ok. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Damn right, you're paying for the full day! Guys, Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car! No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat. Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test-driving that sports car. (TIRES SCREECH) I don't want it.
WEll, Stewie, tonight We have a really big show. Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun. E-e-Everybody does it. E-Everybody I know--
Hey, you know what, you guys? My cousin went to a Halloween party and made out with a guy, and she's hideous. I mean, really hideous. Like Egon Schiele's expressionistic period. Well, what did you expect? He was a protege of Gustav Klimt. Yes, but Klimt was more focused on symbolism and heightened emotion whereas Schiele was purposely vulgar in order to de-mystify the human form.
I'm handing you a beer. You are handing it to my stroke arm. This is my good arm. Bring the beer over here! That's better! So, I'm shaving last night at this make-out party. I took a bunch of pictures. You can see them on my MySpace page,
I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink.
How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual. Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.
People are gonna remember me for this.
(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.
Hey, uh, can I talk to you privately for a second? Sure. That was unnecessary. What's the problem? Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there. I was just making a point. I know, but you like just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know.
Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.
Well, you'll have to catch me first. (SCREAMING) All right, you caught me. We're tired of you infecting people with your smut.
She writes plays now? Yes, and it was brilliant. Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life. It was insightful and fresh and intelligent. It's like his play is mocking me. He wrote it in a night. Ugh, that's how I feel whenever I see Brad Goreski on Bravo. God, everyone's on Bravo but me. Anyhoo, have you told him how good it is?
I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now. You okay? Yeah, babe. I got to pee, but I don't want to move. I'm so comfortable right now.
We're not sinking. We're crashing!
LOIS: Oh, God, Jerome, that is so good! Yeah, it's so hot and moist! Mmm! These scones are delicious. You are quite the little baker, Jerome. Oh, thank God! What's going on in here? Relax, Mr. Furley. I thought what you thought, but it's okay. Well, it sounded like...
Please leave a message at the beep. (MACHINE BEEPS) ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party. (ALAN LAUGHS) Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude.
(GLASS SHATTERING) PETER: This is crazy! Is nobody really making me flapjacks yet?
Boy, this was a better acquisition than I thought. We may even be able to put in some sorghum this year. So, anyway.... Hey, I made you a mix tape. I don't have a dual cassette player... so, you know, I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio... so the quality is kind of sucky...
Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food?
Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. (BEEPS) All right, you guys, that was Lois.
(SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. (EXCLAIMING) This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts. Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.
I sound like a Jewish See 'n Say. MAN'S VOICE: The uncle says... (CLEARING THROAT) The grandpa says... OLD MAN'S VOICE: "What?" MAN'S VOICE: The aunt says... WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh!
No! (SCREAMING) What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!
(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)
What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie. Guess I've got milk. Heh, heh, heh. Don't shoot me! Aw. Someone's sitting in my most favorite seat. Hmm, hey. I just got a great idea!
Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver, and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life. Don't you understand? I lost the perp! I lost the perp! oh!
Here you go, Meg. I don't want them. Take them.
Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)
Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake!
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!
Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that-- Operation! May I play? Mom!
The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me. Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own. Now, see, that's what people hate. Really? I'm telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be. Wow, it's so obvious. Thanks, Daddy. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.
Nothing. I'm just... I'm a little bummed out from the other day. I just can't believe our society actually values the life of a dog less than that of a human. It's infuriating. That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and chew on your balls for an hour. You know, that's the problem. That's usually the way I'd handle this kind of thing, but not this time. I mean, look at that dog over there.
MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw. (CHUCKLING) Aw.
Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly focused. Try thinking about the needs of others for a change. Why don't you do some volunteer work? Oh, That makes sense. Volunteer work. Thanks, Bruce. You still have 13 more minutes. Oh. Do I? Hmm. I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist.
MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation,
Good morning! Is what normal families say.
I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian.
I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey. It's all your fault. (SOBBING) I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Me, too, Lois, you stood up for what you believe in.
Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together.
When I get him home, I swear to God I'm gonna grease up-- That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.
Oh, There's quite a crowd outside. I haven't witnessed Pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, when prices were so low they were ridiculous.
The last of the votes have been tallied, and we're getting the final results in now. Quahog's new mayor is... Lois Griffin! (ALL CHEERING) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
Yeah. How's it going? Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here? Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys. Lucky for me, huh? No, a hobby's good. All right, Peter, your time's up. Oh, man, already? Yup, come on. (GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career.
No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started. (HUMMING)
It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey.
Nothing you'll ever see. You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!
Considering the guest list, there could be as much as $40 million.
Excuse me. I got to go do some black guy stuff.
Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it. Well, then. My goal becomes clear.
Look, I know I screwed up big time.
No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do? Oh, my God! All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve, but you-you go t to tell me first, did you actually sit in the water or was that...
Hey, guys, check this out. Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.
Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina. Oh, careful, Sam! You're emptying your sack all over me. (LAUGHS) What? Stewie, how the hell long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade,"
Hey, what's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor. That's what mine said, too. Yeah, me, too! - Mine, too. - Same here! SEAMUS: Aye. STEPHANIE: Where's the food?
And never let go 'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open
It always takes him so long to get dressed. Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.
Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do.
You know, it would be fun to write some new songs. You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud. So I was thinking we could... Streaks on the china Never mattered before Who cared When you drop kick your jacket When you came through the door No one glared
I just found out I'm retarded.
Mmm, ooh, That is good.
We're gonna have to return to the terminal. Hello, Alaska! Adam! Carol?
And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it. To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?
Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this.
Sorry I'm late, Lois. Peter, what are you doing here? Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this.
What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? Come on! Then put your hands together for the one, the only, His Holiness, the Pope!
Mr. Pewterschmidt, we pumped your daughter's stomach and we found vodka, Rohypnol, a fair amount of DNA that is not her own and a class ring. Harvard? I think it was SUNY something. Oh! I don't want to hear anymore! So, how're your studies going?
Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
Here, put on these special eating gloves I bought you. Why do I need to wear gloves to eat in a fancy restaurant? Because it's so fancy that... You know what? I'm tired of this. I booked you a boxing match.
Peter, I need you to pick up the dry cleaning. Here's the ticket. It's the Chinese one over on Elm. All right. Well, I need my other white shirt back anyway. This one's getting kind of smelly. And if I wore another color, I think it would just throw people. You only have two white shirts? Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.
Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.
"PS. Will you write me a letter of recommendation "for the University of Phoenix?" No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that. But, Dylan, my God! Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan. Dylan is gonna be staying with us for a while. Dylan, it's so nice to meet you. Shut up, bitch!
This marriage is over. Well, that's just fine, Cleveland. 'Cause I am through being your wife. Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you. Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an H.B.O. minority fairytale. But, Peter, their marriage is ending. Well, Look at the bright side, Lois.
Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.
If you go right now, you can catch the flight. ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And There's nothing you can say that'll change my minD. EiTHer You kill them, or I kill you. Aw, Crap!
That would be most good, Newland, most good. I am sorry, but she is just awful. I-Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene, or somethin'? (Director) Uh, Yeah. Really? Yeah. We can? Oh, Great. All right, we got a movie. Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of control,
ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game. HOST: Carol, how did Nick answer the following:
and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh!
Oh, and, uh, you're so pretty. You're always pretty. Oh, you guys are so sweet. Well, it's my pleasure. Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye.
So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested?
Go, yeah! Eat my dusT! Come on, move it! Come on! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great. Hey, Pull over, you bastard! Aw, Man. Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom.
The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by.
CHORUS: Fifth caller Caller number five MAN: Not four, not six WOMAN: (SEXILY) Oh, five MEN: (YELLING) Cinco! Cinco! Cinco!
You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.
It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings. Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now.
Damn it, Peter, this is all your fault. Listen, I wish you had a family to take care of you, too, but that's a choice you made. Here you go, guys. First time in a while I've had wood in my lap. Are we supposed to laugh at that? 'Cause it's upsetting. Man, being out here sucks.
All right, look. When he comes back, I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on. (GUN COCKING) JEFF: Kind of like this? You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic.
Well, I guess the world'll show me a little more respect now. Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me. Oh, Yeah? Him and what army? The U.S. Army. Oh, That's a good army.
Lois, I'm going to my physical now. Okay, honey. I'll see you later. Um... What the hell? I'll just ask it. Why did we need the horse suit for that?
Any questions? It's just something I have to do. Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family. Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy! What are you standing here For? You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies!
(MECHANICAL ARMS WHIRRING) The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole.
Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit!
Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here! It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew!
hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant! Hey, What's up, Pete? Long time no see. Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you. Well, I owe that to my better half. Who is it, sir? Uh, Angie?
Well, fine then. Go! I don't need you to have fun. I know how to have a good time. Whoopi, can you believe this girl? Elisabeth, what you conservatives have to understand... LOIS: Stewie, it's time for dinner. Ma, I'm recording! Come on upstairs, honey. I made your favorite, mac and cheese. Ma, I have to do this now!
Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!
So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.
Wh-What about Amelia? She saw everything? You leave her to me. Come on, honey. He's been having accidents. Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready. This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond. Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!
Hey! You know who lives in this house?
How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin. Huh? Guys? Huh? Guys? That's my idea. Peter, come here. Finally. A little recognition. Joe has the most wonderful idea. Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys, you know,
Hey, there, son, mind if I have a seat? Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down.
(WIND BLOWS) I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I am not your dad. I am Electric Man.
Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer. Who'd have thought? Wait a minute, Joe. That's the guy who opened the door to my cell yesterday and told me I could leave the asylum. Ah! Is that right? Well, then it all makes sense. Yamamoto wanted it to look like you broke out on your own.
I'm Captain Beckman. Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you. JOE: What's up, nerds? You waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette? Lazy fire turds. Have another donut, pig. We got guns. You got hoses. See you on the softball field.
Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines! Aw, Crap! Where the hell is he? Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me. Oh, Look. My very own lion!
I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say. What are your demands?
(MEOWS) (CHUCKLES) You know, Peter, with all the shopping and cooking and decorating, I have to say I'm really liking the new you an awful lot. An awful lot. (SNICKERS) What are you doing? I'm fooling around.
Whoever you are, thank you!
I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at least stand by your dump. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)
I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian.
We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention. And nothing makes more noise than unwanted salsa music. Hand me that radio. (SALSA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) What the hell?
(SCREAMING)
We have these cats that hang around the school, and we feed them. Why doesn't Chris come in, and we can treat him like one of the cats? Then, in a couple of years, we'll give him a diploma.
You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing. You want to get a book published, don't you? Well, yes. Well, if you want to be in black and white, black and white's got to be in you. (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin. He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way.
You're starting to piss me off! It's right here. Oh, man, this sucks. I got no license. I can't go anywhere. Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good. I'll show her. I'll just go to another bar. MAN ON TV: We now return to Cheers.
"Dear Diary, got down to 152 today. "Think that's a nice weight for me." Oh, here's another one. "Dear Diary, just discovered the music of John Denver. "Wow-wee, where's this been?" Hey, look at this. "Kent is so incredibly sexy. "He said hi to me today, and I almost died.
Great. We're checking out naked girls. I am so into girls. Oh, come on, Meg, you can stop the charade. My God, you're as transparent as your father was when he pretended to be a Hasidic Jew to get off work. Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day.
Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!
What the hell does the second part have to do with that?
Well, you were close, Dad.
Yeah. I ended up dating him for three months. That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested. Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter. Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out. Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth?
we get to see your butt. YEs, uh, Yes, you do. Can--Can we see it right now? Um, welL, uh... HA, All right, HITLER. Oh, oh! He's going to do it! if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen! Look, Peter. all you gotta do is sit there.
LOIS: Peter, I don't think this is the right horse.
MAN: You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can... I don't care! I'll take the heat! Just turn them over and send them down! Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it a little louder, you idiot? But I thought sailors only slept with little buoys.
God, is that true? God?
Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had.
I--I need a moment to think. Ok, I'll do it. This just in. Lois Griffin has been named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players. All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off. Oh, Lois, congratulations.
Hey, Lois, when are you gonna do the laundry? I got, like, six parachutes in there. Peter, those things are choking up the washing machine. So now I got you a bad washing machine for Christmas. Little tip, Stewie, love dies, and that's okay. I write down all his advice in a little notebook. Yesterday's was, "I've never seen a pigeon die "from eating food on the ground, so what's the big whoop?"
Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT!
Oh, my God! That was even cooler than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh. So, computer, what are you thinking about right now? COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool. (WHOOPING)
Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.
Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)
Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.
Tell him it sucks! Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid. I'm hungry. Jasper's residence. Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian? Peter? I-i-It's me. Jasper's my cousin.
Peter, Come help me with the groceries. Ok, honey.
I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball! Oh, no. I'll wait. Oh, You finished? I'm sorry. you know, It's my fault, really. I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.
Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
Excuse me, Your Honor? Yes? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. He may even be downright, well, stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father.
Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car!
(EXCLAIMING) (GROANING)
I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.
My son got into DeVry. Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything?
(SCREAMS) What the hell? Hey, help, help! We have an emergency! You dick! What's going on in here? This man has been injured! He needs medical attention! Come on. Let's get out of here.
I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.
Call me! She won't call. Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. And a stomach virus. And an inner-ear infection. Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding.
Uh-oh. What? Hold on to something. MORT: Why isn't the time machine working? I swear to God, Mort, I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.
Why don't You teach her. Unless you Don't think you're up to it? Oh, yes, This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it." Well, I am! I accept your challenge!
In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park. Two children are missing. (GASPS) I was just there.
and found out she had a talent for it. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, give an indifferent East Coast welcome to the newest bull rider, Peter the Kid! (CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that?
What if Mamie got cancer? Mamie's not getting cancer! Or how about one of us? What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? For once in your life, do the right thing.
Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery. I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back.
Unless, I'm supposed to eat them. Of course, it all adds up. (GROANS) Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth. Dude, you're lucky. If you put that under your pillow, the tooth fairy'll come and give you a dollar. What? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here? To our house? She just breaks in like some hood?
Too late, butt-face. Have a great summer, Joe.
(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe.
(SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday. Fuck.
I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?
So I had to kill him, too. When Peter was yelling at everyone about that picture of Derek holding up the Hollywood sign, I grabbed the Golden Globe and slipped out. I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do.
N-no--No, to the left. No, you had it. No, go back--go back. Jeez, got a freakin' monkey working the spotlight! No--no--no, To the right, genius. Th-There. Stop! Stop!
Well, I'll tell you this, Tonick, a little hair from the dog is just what the doctor ascribed. I hear you, friend. Now, let's sit on chairs next to each other and get dick dances.
We're hurting our own hometown. All those drugs that are flooding into Quahog are from us. Oh, yeah? Well, if we're dealing so many drugs to Quahog, why is the Quahog envelope so light this week? Yeah, I say we go down there and talk to those people in Quahog. No! This is what I'm talking about. Meth has turned us into monsters.
Jillian, do you get the Oxygen Network? If I miss my Moesha, I get a bit crabby. In a minute, Adam. Well, I guess this is good-bye. Please don't send me away. I have to. You broke my heart.
There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. Thanks, hon. Stay in school! Bring it on!
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela."
Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el. That's a great costume, Joe. Are you FDR? No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz. Oh, you mean, like, if he dove into the shallow end? No. Regular Mark Spitz. Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach?
Aquaman. And Meg. Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.
Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Kate. You don't get it. We are the island. Hand me that paper bag.
(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this. I think I'm up in that blimp.
Now go away. I'm busy. - Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
Oh, Don't pout, honey. you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! No toys, Stewie.
Hey, hey, hey. Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday. Who did that? QUAGMIRE: Giggity.
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear! Okay, how should we do it? I guess it's dealer's choice, really. I suppose the easiest way would be to use the diaper as a bowl of sorts. Do you know how to take it off? No, I've never done it myself. Mum does it. All right, well, we should get your overalls off first. I know how to do the snaps.
(SCREAMING)
I'd do her. Do her. Wouldn't do her. Who hasn't done her? Do her. Lose the pigtails and We'll talk. Do her. Do her. And Now, the last man to see Jonathan Weed alive has offered to say a few words.
Mr. Hawking, what does the discovery of this black hole mean to you and your research? (THROUGH SYNTHESIZER) I am overjoyed. This is the crowning achievement of my career. It validates the work of a lifetime. It certainly does. Back to you, Tom. MAN: All right. We're clear.
Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more? Well, this is the last entry in the datebook. "Super secret meeting at motel. Inform no one." I think we got him now.
I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait herE.
This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!
(SIGHS) Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse. Good. This family works much better when we're unified. You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.
(CROWING) (CROWS)
You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex? Chuck, it's me, Morty. Yeah, 'cause we could... What? Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you.
Ooh, That's too bad. Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. They're coming over later and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong. Oh, man! And his arms stretch out to next week!
Oh, yeah. A lot of crazy shit went on last night. Well, we were both drunk. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right. We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend. I don't know what the phrase is. What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition.
Ahh! Son of a bitch!
ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're... (KIDS LAUGHING)
I don't want... No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right! Turn off the camera! God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I don't want to do this anymore, all right? You know what? You went too far. What? You went too far. That's his character. That's how... I mean, he's that kind of... No! Forget it. Forget it. You know what? It's just weird, man. It's just weird. You're weird. All right? Just get off it.
You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in. All right, Peter, you can stay, but remember, this is my class. Now, there are a number of natural ways that males and females interact. That's right! Allow me to demonstrate. Hey, Rainbow Brite. Hello, Shakespeare.
Go, Chris! Daddy loves you! I mean in a platonic way. I'm married. Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca.
no, No. She... Yeah. Y'know, I probably don't say this often enough. But, uh, I'm really proud of you, Chris. Thanks, Dad. And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon
Let's make up our minds.
I know. I'm eating number two now. Eating for two, honey. I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!
Hey, Oogy! So tell us, Oogy, where did you find this one, huh? You two meet at a Mensa meeting?
What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)
(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys. We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten. Hey, have you heard this awesome new song? No! A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...
Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. Lois, The king of cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me.
(ALL GRUNT) Apples! Fire! (SCREAMING) Damn it! Quilters! Advance!
Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics.
(EXCLAIMS) Jeez, can you give me a break here? I clean toilet. What? I clean toilet. What are you doing? I'm on the john. Is okay. Please, leave. Oh, okay. (SIGHS)
Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley, but I really think he'd want to be considered for this. Yeah, the thing is, for this roll, we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome, but who is not actually handsome himself! Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him. Yeah, I think he'd be right, too. The problem is, we'd like to find an actor who has been given a lot of chances to shine,
All right, go, Carter! (SHOUTING) Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear. (STUTTERS) Look, I... Stop it! Peter, I... Whoa! (LAUGHS) Boy, she's bendy! Wow! Yes! Awesome! All right!
Lois, last night was amazing. It was, wasn't it? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs. I know. It was amazing. Much better than that night you pretended your penis was Danny Aiello.
Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean. Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how! I'm sorry. Can I help you?
(YELLING) Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game. You can't talk. I've knocked out your communication systems. Lois, Stewie's making noise.
Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy, "Maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys. I mean those big, "Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys,
Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them.
Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.
God, a D.U.I.! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail! It's ok, Brian. You'll get through this D.U.I., and you'll be a better person for it. Well now Hold on A minute. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization! Look, you're not one to talk, all right? You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?
Oh, man! That sucks because I'm so horny.
Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible. So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal. What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore?
We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money.
Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.
No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses. All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here!
Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.
Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this. (LOIS MOANING) Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you.
I thought a horse was using the bathroom. Peter! All finished. What's next? Aw, dad.
Oh, Peter, Moroccan food is the jizz. I don't know. Looks like it might give me the kind of farts I get from eating Mexican food. (FARTS) (YELLING IN SPANISH) - (FIRES GUNS) - (ALL SCREAMING)
I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework. Darn it. Fractions are so hard. What did you get for number four? She said don't share answers! All right, here it is. 625 Maple. That's the family that adopted Anna Lee.
Oh, Peter, there you are. This is my brother Patrick. Yeah, yeah. Good to meet you, Patrick. All right, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this. I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault, Meg.
No. That's just our women.
I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee!
Ok, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down. - Uh, Peter, I'm not sure that that's-- - Not now, Lois! Ok, c-c... Ok, Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax. Relax, relax. There you go. There you go. Ok. Shh-shh-shh. It's ok. It's ok. It's all gonna be ok. Peter, you better do your C.P.R.
Well, we put all your mail on the desk in your room, sweetheart. Thanks, Dad. I'm kidding. You didn't get any mail.
I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. Wow! Wow! - Whoa, what was that? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was my father talking. You, uh, gotta work on that, man. Bad dog.
Move along, move along.
Briggs got away, and I've been in this wheelchair ever since. I like that you can tell me a story starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, people are starving in Africa, and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck.
I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg. I don't care about that.
What was that? It's just Michael Winslow from Police Academy. This house gives me the creeps.
It's too bad we're not the A-Team. 'Cause then we could just go in there and steal that kid.
(CHUCKLING) You're going down, man. (FARTS) Oh, dude, that is sick. Yeah! Undefeated! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter. (LOUD BANG) GOD: You smell that?
Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies. Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace. Peter, this doesn't seem safe. Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING)
Yeah, hey, guys. The meeting of the Cool Kids Club will be at 3:15, leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV in the parking lot.
Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key. Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? We've been getting better acquainted. All right, well, just give me the key, please. All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key. LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years.
Yay! I'm part of things, too. Yay! (ALL CHEERING) The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya! Krypton sucks! Hmm? Ahh! Whoa!
Oh, Thank you, Peter.
Peter? Oh, My God, I haven't seen you since high school. Yeah! God, What are you doing these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm the green guy. No kidding? Yeah, Yeah. Jeez, God. Hey, is that Stacy Beecham? Where? Now, don't worry.
You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!
Look at you there. Well, You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo! Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup!
If Meg doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future she'll have? You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat. Shut up! I found this meat!
The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.
Boner. His name was b-b-Boner.
Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me.
but his views on Judaism are a little misguided. I consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little. No, no, No. I don't think so. I-It's not that I have ideological differences, i--I'm just not a hat person.
All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy
Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?
Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods. That's a great idea, Brian. If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family. No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him. I'll do it, I'll be James Woods.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy. Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.
Just like I got used to my acrylic nails. (PHONE RINGING) Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman. Hey, Laronda. No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.
Take it outside, Lois.
Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually... It's kind of a funny story. What the hell did you do? He was gonna call the cops, man!
We interrupt this program for some breaking news, which is why I'm still chewing a bagel. (CHEWING) Mmm. Just roll the footage. JOYCE: A major drug bust in Quahog today,
Come on. We'll do it ourselves. Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And Space Ghost. What are you doing? Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.
He found this one spot behind my ear, I... Forget about it. I thought my leg was never gonna stop. I don't believe this. My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on. It's not too hard to see why. He's a hero. He makes the world a better place. Hey, hey. I've done lots of things to help people. Remember the time I sang to the kids at the Sunday school?
Fuck.
Yeah, we missed you. Well, thanks for putting up with me, you guys.
Now we got to go to another club and start all over again.
Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off. It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian. It's good to be back, Peter. By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods? Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.
What did you write about?
Calgon, take him away.
Glen, would you mind holding Stewie? Heh, heh. Said and done. Well, Hey there, spud with the mud. Oh, Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua VeLVA? Hi, Lois. You've got our voteS. Thank you, Cleveland. Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Lebeau. She actually opposes background checks for new teachers!
Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you close your eyes when we make love? I wonder how your father's first day at work went?
Um... Excuse me. Excuse me? Boy, I wonder where the shampoos are around here. I said, "I wonder where the shampoos are around here."
She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on.
Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly
Can't we just eat? And now I shall continue the prayer. Kali Maa. Kali Maa. Kali Maa!
Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses. Look how close we're getting, Meg!
Stewie? Huh? Oh. Oh. Everything all right? Uh, yeah. Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime? Great practice, Lois. We are totally ready for that talent show. Oh, my God, Peter, I am so wasted.
Santa's got his work cut out for him. We ain't even gotten started yet. I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll ALL: He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire.
Usually, the doody's disappeared by now, but it hasn't.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots... at a karaoke bar, doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band. Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome. Wait. What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure.
That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue.
I love you. I love you, too. Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber in front of these losers. (URGES HORSES) Yeah! Choke on that, nerds.
What makes you think I'll talk now? This! You just don't give up, do you? You seize life by the throat and shake it like a topless bartender mixing a martini! You've got your interview. Thanks! Hey, hey. Listen to this.
I thought you said it was a boat. This thing is great. Bet you could sail it all the way to the Caribbean. (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Hey, American women, when was the last time you were raped, murdered, and stuffed in a lobster pot? Well, what you waiting for? Come to the Virgin Dutch Front Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles. It's only a hop, skip, and a small plane ride that scares you something terrible.
No! Mine!
You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane. (SIGHS) James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather. But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce. I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30.
Keith. Wow, look at this place. There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise.
Then what? Peter got blamed!
What does that mean?
Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!
Rock-Peter? Yes, Rock-Lois? That was wonderful rock-sex we had last rock-night. Yes. I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. I know. I must've had four rock-gasms. I'm glad you wore that rock-ring.
Did we finish fueling? Do you see the hose in the plane? No. Well, then, I guess we're finished. Thanks, George. You want to say that one more time without the sarcasm?
Come on! Into the storm cellar! MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here. PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something? PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking. CHRIS: Wait, I think I found the lights.
Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along. Oh, No. It's too dangerous. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety. Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video.
Everybody loved my Germanator joke. Look, Peter. I want you to move out. What? You can't live here anymore. You're a pain in my ass. I want you out. Oh, come on, man. That's not fair. Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing, I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal?
No one dances like Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire.
I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume. Ready.
Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay!
No, actually you can't.
There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. All right? All right, I guess. Good. Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors.
There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.
Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand. You and I are like two... Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there.
W-W-Why?
news, What news?
I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like. She's right there. Okay, I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop? I think that can be arranged.
Then you'll have to order my next tape. You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...
Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape.
(SCREAMING)
This is insanity! Whoa, whoa, Whoa. where do you think you're going? America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country! Come on, kids.
Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse? You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get them open. Who are they trying to keep out of these things? And what's the deal with the razor-blade slot in the bathroom?
You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay. (ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12.
Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China, and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?" Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I tell you, This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe?
Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.
But Dad, the T.V.'s back on. What do you know? Ok, let's go. Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some T.V. together? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go. I'm sick of life. Yeah. My dogs are barking.
You know, I know this is the wrong time to be star struck but Mel Gibson is shooting at us. Peter, help! Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.
And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.
Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
He loves his children and mE-- Ok, Ok. I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift. What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.
Don't mind me, you guys. I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. "Dear my boyfriend. Thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. "That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me "were really pretty, just like you said I am.
I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake. There were only 2 left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples. WeLl, Gather round, everyone. It's time for Stewie's big moment.
Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner. Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home? In a minute. Would you just look at this beautiful tree? Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night.
I can't do it. I can't do it. Get the lotion. Put the lotion on me. Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like. Never mind. I'll come back later.
You named your horse 'til Death? You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat. ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. (THUDDING) (ALL GASPING) Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so unfathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so,
I know. Okay, here we go. Oh. A miss. Oh. You got her in the eye with that one. Whoa! That one was a teat-seeking missile. I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour.
(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
I am Reginald New York Knickerbocker, millionaire.
You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word?
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
Hallelujah! I believe in God! Lordy, Lordy, I believe! Brian, that's fantastic news.
NO. No. No. Play it like you did last night.
MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off.
we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center.
No! You okay, fat ass? She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking.
Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.
Yes, I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing some initiative. God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat!
(BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen?
What the hell is so bloody fascinating? (GASPING) You!
It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go! Just do it! Wait. (SIGHS) Stop. Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay.
That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT) Well, that's it. Three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets. Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets.
Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited. And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by, I'll make sure he thinks you're.... Mr. Griffin, chillax. We're doing the best we can. There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker.
Blast, I just did! Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger! (Chris) What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople? I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head. Well, If I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem. You got some ideas? Tell me. Oh, I'll tell you.
(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying. Jane Fonda. (STUTTERS) Is that? Is that right? Yeah, that's right, buddy. Totally Jane Fonda.
Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Peter one, Jesus zero. You know, Jesus, if I go get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just want to stick this up her ass. All right, I'll be the one to say it. How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles?
Peter, did you brush your teeth? No. Peter, brush your teeth. I don't wanna. Peter, brush your teeth. No, it's stupid. Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. No! Open your mouth. No! No! Peter, open your mouth! (SCREAMING) Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! (GLASS SHATTERING) Peter, did you hear that?
I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest. Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun. Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Peter, We're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet? Oh, crap. Well, One of us is gonna have to change. Unzip me.
You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm late! If you spent less time fixing your hair--
So, you're saying she does not have an alibi. Well, no. Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi. She ugly She ugly U-G-L-Y she ain 't got no alibi, she ugly Screw off. "M" she's major ugly "O" she is fat andpugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo
That's an invasion of my privacy. Ooh! He's sorting your recycling 'cause he loves our Mother Earth. If you weren't so busy trolling for booty all the damn time you could do it yourself, like the law says you should. Ooh! It's on now! Wait a second! What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along! I couldn't have stolen it.
(LAUGHS) "Long and hard." I'm sorry. Brian, please, please continue.
Yo, Joe. What the hell are you doing here, pansy? We're gonna break your legs, Joe. It's for your own good. Come on, guys, get him!
Oh, Let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... Ooh! big shock, a jack pops out. And, You laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside. Surprise, honey! A trikie! I think he likes it!
It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here!
(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know.
Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, I saw part of it. - Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk? - Huh? You know that scene where Yoda comes in and they are about to have that big fight? Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I mean, I'm just saying, what does he, what does he need a desk for? Who the hell cares? I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk?
Here you go, guys.
I support the death penalty to show people that killing is wrong. And that's great, Brian.
Ah, Turn off the light. I'm reading a ghost story.
(SLURPING)
Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec? Look, Brian, I've colored Sebastian the crab blue! If that isn't a middle finger to society, I don't know what is. I don't like it anymore. I wish I'd colored him red. Do you think it's a little odd that Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd have moved into Quahog together?
We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you?
I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party.
Leafers!
now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action!
There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed
What? Do I have a boogie? I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities.
Brian, wait! H-Hold on a second. Airport, please.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh!
Well, You know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.
Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe.
And then she wanted to make him eggs! (SCREAMS) And he said, "Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30." And she said, "I'll drive you there!" (SCREAMS) And he said, "No, no, it's at my office. "It's like a half-hour commute." And she said, "I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's pre-school." (SCREAMING)
I'm all for that! What other stories you got, Reagan?
Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity. Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh? - Hey, figure it out for yourself, man. - We're freezing our asses off over here. Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh?
I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation.
Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS) I did not want to have to do that.
- We sound too much alike. - I know. Okay. (HUMMING TUNE) Lost in Space. Yeah. Okay.
Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.
Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris" They shine like sunny weather
All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye.
A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Mom, are you all right? My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck. Damn! Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened.
Yes, I'm sure we're all looking forward to that.
Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy.
(EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch?
Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. What is it? This. I found it in the yard.
Okay, that was good. That was good.
He'd do her all the way Even call her the next day To see how her work was going (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
That's good old-fashioned family racism.
Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes? Oh, you mean foot prisons? Yes, I would.
Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig! Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty.
Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No. - Come on! What are you waiting for? - I can't. - Eat it, Joe. Eat it! - No, no, no. Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry! Where is it now, huh? Where is it now? Easy, sailor, easy. Put the gun down, Joe.
There it is, Meg. What do you say we take it for a spin? Chris, get off there. You shouldn't be sitting on that. Come on! (CLUCKING) (DISTANT CLUCKING) That's fake. Come on, Meg.
Whoa!
Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you 're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of 02 All right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks.
(PANTING) What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed.
Good-bye, kids.
seE? This is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass. You're trying too hard, death. She's not gonna care what you're wearing. She's just gonna be glad to see you. That's how it was with Lois.
We are so throwing you a shower! Well, Fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar.
Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter. (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) Are you a pedophile?
But, Dad, you're retired. I'd rather be dead. dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? the Talkie pictures. But you can still make it. You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round off. Oh! Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.
You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch!
Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch. Just give it a chance. Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video,
I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh, let you be nude. Who were those guys? I don't know. Room for one more?
Kevin walked me home. Kevin? He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot! Grandpa, we were just holding hands. It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.
And the motion carries.
Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief. Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you.
Peter! Ahh! I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you.
except my invisible friend,
I will be next September. Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence. (GLASS SHATTERS)
You're a meanie! (CRYING) Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Cleveland.
I'm just apparently not getting it... PETER: You're right there! ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs. I think we should all go together to pick Meg up. She's probably a little fragile after being in there so long, and I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces. I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.
Are we there yet? No! - Are we there yet? - No!
JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah!
You know, this used to be all orange trees. (WIND HOWLING)
Carol, I wanna make this a night you'll never forget. - Oh, my. - Right?
Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of e veryda y situa tions. ' '
That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.
Well, what do you think? What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?
Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking. I don't think your wife would appreciate that. That frigid old cow lives in quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying. Actually, we're back on the air in quahog.
Oh, Don't he make you so mad - you just want to go down there and hit him? No. Well, maybe not him 'cause he's kind of big. But don't you want to hit the guy sitting next to you? Well, Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too. But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You jerk.
Peter, You are welcome to stay with us as long as you like. Aw, Thanks, Muriel. So, uh, What do you guys do for fun around here? We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California, to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me! I'm trying, I... Try harder! Peter, if you just stop for one second... Lois, that hurts. Quit it. (BOTH MOANING) Peter, are we having sex? Let's check. Just lift up that fold right there. Uh, yup.
Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? (CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it!
Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here!
Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. now Meg, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it. And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear- holocaust nonsense.
The man in white. Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world. And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!
With some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her With your ding-a-ling (SCREAMS) 'Cause you can't say penis So they sent this little warning They're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox
(CHOIR SINGING) Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious.
What do you say to that, broccoli?
Lois, I wish you hadn't gone through all this trouble. Are you kidding? I'm so excited. From the first time I read that script, I just knew it was gonna make it on TV. I could see it. Well, yeah, I mean, but the real victory is just having a show make it to TV. I mean, we almost don't even need to watch.
You know you're a redneck if you come from a rural area and behave as such.
(KNOCKING) Hi, folks. Just thought I'd stop by and make sure your equipment is working properly and see if you have any questions. Yeah, is something wrong with our remote? No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do? Thank you. I think we're good. Everything seems to be going well. Okay, great.
Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer?
(ANNA LEE CRYING) Oh, God. Hang on a second. Okay, okay, stop. Just stop crying. Stop crying, Anna Lee. No wonder. You dropped your pacifier. You have a baby?
Oh, Yes. Smooth sailing through calm seas. Hey, uh, Kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, and Greg became his slave? Yeah. It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice label on it.
Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes!
Whoa, whoa, big guy. You're probably never even gonna see him again. Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin.
Isn't this epic, Peter? That DJ has got some mad skills. Ugh, you think they sell Anacin at the bar? Come on. Get up and dance with me, Peter. This place is sick. Hells, yeah! It is the only rooftop pool in Providence.
Oh, his face looks like a railroad map And he never shuts his freakin' trap
I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone.
Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend.
Oh! Oh, Well, it's not love, but it's a start! Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world! Cookie? Oh, yes, Of course you can have a cookie. Stay right there. "Cookie." Cookie. Cookie.
We haven't made love ever! (CRYING) Great! Now you've upset the baby! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, God! (PATRICK STEWERT'S VOICE) This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.
Ya! Ahh! Ahh! Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? no, No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees? My boy wants to know about sex. Came to the right place. Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural...
Hey, what about these?
Stewie had a doctor's appointment. Then I had to pick Meg up after school.
"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"? Tastes like happy.
Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance!
Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you.
(EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)
(CROWING) Good night, everybody!
Oh, Joe, thank you so much for inviting us to your barbecue. Well, it's my pleasure, Lois. Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Hi, Chris. H-h-h-Hi, Barbara. I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!
Peter, look! The Clam!
That's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know. And don't tell anybody about our attic. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM)
You're not welcome here! Go away! Wow, Chris. Did you lose weight? Um, Maybe. I've--I've been working out. Wow, You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Motivation. What is my motivation? Just throw it back to me. You know what? This is boring. I got a better idea. James, do we really have to watch Videodrome? Yeah, I think you're really going to appreciate... all the subtle nuances in my performance.
(SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER ON TV: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator.
What kind of pie is this? Peter, it's making me watch! Peter, I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster.
He lives next door. He lives next door... to a harlot!
Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?
Mr. Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00. I'm sure we can figure something out. (LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh.
Donny Most Donny Most Sunday, Monday Happy Days
Those weren't the lottery tickets. That was a test. These are the lottery tickets. Is this another test? Yes. These aren't the real lottery tickets, either. These are the real lottery tickets.
Yeah. That's right. Duh, uh--uh, Wait! Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag! Get 'em!
I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly Wishing there would be Someone waiting home for me
That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! Y-y-You're just a--a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead? Uh, This last one won't open. Oh, you gotta Jiggle it a little bit. Like, uh, Like this?
Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh! Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something!
I know, and I feel terrible. I must look like a bigger loser than when I was on that game show. (MAN) And now, back to America's favorite game show, Bobcat or Bjork. Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go.
His boy Elroy
All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C. (CRACKLING) Quick! Get us out of here! (T-REX ROARING) Boy, that was close. Oh, my God, where's Frank? I'm over here. Oh. Okay.
I'm so proud of you. Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.
and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha!
RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)
Meg. Meg.
All right! Jesus and the jocks win again! Hey! You said we were gonna inherit the Earth. Yeah, when we're done with it! (GRUNTS) (BOTH EXCLAIM)
You beat me to it. Man, I haven't had this much fun since I was in that Broadway show. I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned
I'll be right back.
(WINCING) (GROANING) (CARS HONKING) So I said to him, "Brown liquor before Labor Day?
The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation! So, what was it like on the other side? Well, I met Jesus up there. Wow, what's he like? Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese. Really? Yup, Jesus is Chinese.
GLENN: Well, I think we made it worse.
What the hell was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks. Are you kidding? I learned from the bEst.
Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary. Still twice yours, Joyce. Our top story tonight, Quahog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No. Yeah, me neither. Uh, And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think you can stop. Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.
get on the flooR let's ceLebrate
Yeah, serious problem.
I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this. You idiot! Now I'm going to have to get 10,000 more signatures before tomorrow morning. What were you thinking? You don't understand, Brian. When was the last time you were even with a woman? - Uh, when did the Challenger blow up? - '86. Yeah, it was like three years before that.
You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft. My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.
Ahhh! (THUD)
I got $600! I got $850! I got a rock. I spent my refund on a digital T.V. with Surround Sound. it's got headphones, so I can watch my Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!
Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter.
but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you? They're your kids! I know, and I love them. But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom?
No, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're in love. You're an idiot.
Is that it? Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement.
I smell a messy diaper. God! Why does that turn me on?
STEWIE: Ugh, that was absolute garbage. Read it again! Hey, Lois. I'm home from the Clam. You know what that means. STEWIE: You spent the last 10 minutes parked in front of the house, crying in your car? Not now, Peter. I'm doing story time with Stewie.
Who were those guys? I don't know.
Me, too. The summer tourists are gone. And We finally have the town to ourselves, before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole plaCe. Leafers! Holy crap! We gotta get outta herE!
Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. Why? Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. You know, I never got that. I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past?
Well, that was interesting. I also have My Giant with Billy Crystal. Oh, God, no, no.
Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.
I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account. Ah, Very good, sir.
Well, it's my pleasure, Lois. Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely.
What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What? Did you name it? Uh, yeah, he's Paul. Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard. (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Glenn. Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus." It's supposed to be "Jesus," right? Room service! We didn't order no room service. Well, uh, uh, Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar.
You know, you're a jackass.
That place is strong with the dark side. But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead. I'm going in there anyway. (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPS)
I can't believe they fired you. Can't you go down to the school and try to reason with them? No, I'm banned from school property. The PTA doesn't want me around their children. Well, Lois, I think you did the right thing by trying to inform these kids about safe sex, and if the parents don't like it, that's their loss. That's the problem, though, it isn't their loss, it's the kids' loss.
Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! Hey, That's mine, my-- Shaft. There might be a mineshaft under this library. My God, All these kids are looking at pornography! What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth? Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad.
bearded Robin Williams characters. Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry. She's dead, chief. Ho-ho! Dead. The Grateful Dead. Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho! We're fucked.
Logan, you son of a bitch! You think I'd miss this party?
Aw, Man! Look, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club med. Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot Holy crap! Look at this place. This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow.
I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys. It's also about just being there for the people you love. Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.
Whoa, whoa, slow down there, partner. All sales are final. Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale. What? I just saw that word somewhere. I wanted to use it.
Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation,
I can. Thank God! It's Karen Black! She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? It was a movie in the '70s. Ah, You damn kids with your music. Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers,
I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here.
Woods!
All right, Mrs. Swanson. You're doing fine. Hey, Peter, don't you want to watch this? It's a beautiful miracle of nature. I can't look. I didn't look when Lois gave birth and I can't look now. You can just tell me what it looks like. You ever see a horse blink his eye? Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed like Bill Clinton. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, dressed like. All right, let's go make some Whitewater.
where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. "She's worthless and dumb, and Ignore her, "and only listen to me, "Peter." "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales. "But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes.
No!
Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.
I don't know if that actually follows. Oh, it does follow, Brian, because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass. Is my eye big?
This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took. It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy To a place where dreams are fast and free With new friends and new things to see
That's why I poured it all out in the garden. (GRUNTING) Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)
(MEOWS IN PAIN) Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives. Okay, seven more lives. Six. Five. Four. Three. Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open?
Oh, so, you know. This is my husband Ben. Hi, glad to know you. Gosh, you know, our little Scotty seems to be having such a good time with your son. Would you be interested in getting them together for a play date? Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea. Look at them. They're getting along like Billy Bob Thornton and his cat.
It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again.
Good-bye
I don't know about that. Tell you what, I'll get us started. (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES DEEPLY) That feels... That feels better. You sure that stuff is okay? All I know is, the guys who made it are dead. Why is there no hole in this wall? You know, this thing is bugging me.
Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!
Official flower business. (MAN EXCLAIMS)
Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now. Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger.
Happy birthday, Mom. Oh, thank you, everybody. I know it's a little self-centered, but this is my favorite day of the year. Here, Mom, this is from me and Meg. Topol? The smoker's tooth polish?
How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle! Hey, if you're a virgin, how come I shot out of there like a greased-up cannonball? Greetings! I have come to see the newborn king, but sadly, I bring no gift. Well, what do you got in your hand there? Uh, my drum. Well, then it looks like you got him a drum.
No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage. Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!
Doesn't bother me, I'm just... You know, one friend to another. What, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. This is what you are and this is what I am. Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner.
Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.
SpongeBob? Is he not real, Brian?
Now you must die! (GROANING) (GAGGING) (SCREAMS)
BONNIE: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this. PETER: I don't know, Bonnie. It's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine. BONNIE: No, it's okay. I promise you, it's okay. PETER: I'm not sure. JOE: It's okay, Peter. Just remember, whatever you do, don't tell Chris I'm dating. Peter, Lois has been dead for a whole year.
(SCREAMING) Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? Peter, it's me, Molly. Your wife? Molly Ringwald? You're my wife? We've been married for 20 years. What's wrong with you? Hi. I'm Judd Nelson. I crash here once or twice a week. (GROANS)
I am not, in fact, the president of Hot Wheels. And I also lied about the giant chef's hat. I do not have one. Mmm-hmm. Well, the small lies don't matter. Let's go. (SIGHS) Why am I doing this?
Look, Stewie.
Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
The scene outside the U. S. - Petorian border as the sun rises on Day 1 of Operation Desert Clam. Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons. We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site of the U.S. blockade. Tom. Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front, where the U.S. has cut off electricity,
- Hey, Miley. - Oh, hi, Stewie. Hey, your shirt tag is showing. Let me just...
We have family dinners, and we go to church together-- Yeah? And you even manage to humiliate me there. WhoA, is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own. Peter, I hate to say this but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you.
Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!
Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end? Well, I, uh... Never, that's when! You need this, Brian. You dropped out of college. You still haven't finished your novel. Do you know what you lack? Discipline! And do you know where you'll get it? Right here in the army! Boy, you know what? You're right. Everything I've ever done, I've crapped out on halfway through.
Ah! Ah! Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off! Ahh! Great! We're here 5 minutes,
(GASPS) Oh, my God, it's you! James Woods. Hello, Peter. I've been expecting you. You stole my credit card, you son of a bitch. What did I ever do to you? That's a good question, Peter.
Masturbating. We should form a club. All right, name something you find in your bathroom. Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating." (ALL CHEERING)
- Yau think we should be this far out? - Stap worrying, Mark. We 'ff be fine. Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, f can see right up them shorts.
Brian, could we really? Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business. Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.
Oh, yeah!
What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes.
(BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS.
What do you got? I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.
Name one. I want a hamburger.
My God, what is Peter thinking? Yes, he's crazy as a serial killer. All right, what do you want for your last meal? I think I'll just have a salad. Dressing on the side. I had a huge last lunch. All right, listen up in there! Let's not make this any harder than it has to be.
(PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION) (YELLS) (YELLS) (YELLS)
Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye MAN: Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook. Hey, everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards. What's up? What's up? Hey, you know what I hate?
But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.
But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off!
Kids, we're calling off the experiment early. What? Why? Because you were right. Being a kid is a lot harder than being an adult. High school sucks. Everything sucks. So let's just put things back the way they were, and just forget all about this, all right? You kids go back to school. Lois goes back to groceries. I go back to my job. That's not gonna work out, Dad.
No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
Mom, this is so lame. Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured.
Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING) (SCREAMS)
Ha! Ugh!
$2,000.
Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries. (BILL COSBY SCATTING) Ghost Dad!
Y-You see, Doc, my back tooth is killin' me. ahh! And things have worked out fine so far. Peter, no offense, but that's because we all pitched in. That's right. We built schools, and hospitals. Yeah, not to mention the theater.
Ja! I want to be a skateboarder! (PUNCHES LANDING) (GUN FIRES)
Toby, I can't believe you took my kidney. You bastard!
Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.
You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor
You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker!
Oh, God, they're back. Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Goldman. What the hell is your problem, Mort?
Peter, I think we forgot Meg.
You know, I think I missed my nap today. I'm sleepy. Well, why don't you lie down? I think I will. (SIGHS) Brian? What? I just realized something. What? Tomorrow's Sunday.
Six. Five. Four. Three.
Coming up, handsome mustachioed man recaps news in pleasing baritone. Stay tuned for this and more. But first, Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is on hand for the opening of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel. Diane, I am standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside.
You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the Emmy for Best Documentary. Um, I hear there's one on vacuuming. Really? Well, that sounds interesting. Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily. You are not watching the Emmys tonight. Now shush.
But I forget how to make love.
Tell him yourself. I can't. I don't want to disappoint him again. remember what happened when he tried to sneak me into the County Fair? Uh, One, please. Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no, No! Nothing about this adds up at all!
It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on. She means your nipples are sticking out. Mom! Nipples! Nipples! That's it! I want those cameras ofF! 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall! Meg, You're the one that got us on T.V. in the first place.
But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it!
"I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic." Oh, I get it. That-- That's kind of funny.
You know, Silly Putty's awesome, but you know what's really cool? Serious Putty. Ooh! This looks like fun! It says I have cancer. We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg. Hey, Stewie, you better come down. The party's about to start. What is that? Is that a turtle? Yes, Brian. I found him at the park.
I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus.
ForgEt iT, dEath. I'm not gonna do your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane. Absolutely no way, and that's final. See? I'm still here. And There's nothing you can say that'll change my minD. EiTHer You kill them, or I kill you. Aw, Crap!
Ahh! Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.
Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order? Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up.
It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that. Why doesn't it do something? He's retarded, Lois. You should understand. You're married to a retarded man. Eh? (MOCKING) You're married to a retarded man. (BREATHING HEAVILY) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) What is it? Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?
I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers. What happened? Oh, my God!
Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)
That's Street Fighter. Red, blue, green. Those are colors. God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role-playing. Oh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl. I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points.
ahh!
You're lying to yourself, Brian.
Guys, will you please settle down? Can we settle down, please? Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, captains, my captains. I have an announcement to make. You are all free. You have been fired from the school. Vietnam is over. The hospital is closing. Will Hunting is all better.
So You can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
Hey, Open up in there! Hey, What are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world! I'm here to keep you from making an error. A pilot error. Jeez, I probably shoulda worn mittenS! Nice going, fat--
Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.
Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.
My God, you know what this means?
Yeah, Stow the 'tude, queenie.
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye
Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie
Oh, That's ok. No charge. Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world. Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.
Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.
Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous! God, I've looked forward to this moment more than the second coming of Jesus. Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and...
"Regards, Mort Goldman again."
STEWIE: When I grow up, I'm never gonna call you. I'm gonna be busy with my job and my family. You'll be nothing.
It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?
Meg, honey, it's very cold in here.
As they dig my grave as they dig my grave Hey, Dad, they're singing a song about me! Oh, Hi, Mom.
Daddy's never gonna tell me the truth. The only way to find out is to check the family records. Breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house. This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING)
laugh 'n' cry
No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.
(BRIAN SHIVERING) What the hell were you trying to do, man? Those mushrooms are messing you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes. Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy. All right, just stay calm, Brian. You'll get through this.
(MEG SCREAMING) Hey, everybody. Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast!
No, just kidding. Can you imagine if I was like that?
Hello, darling Nice to see you It's been a long time You're just as lovely as you used to be
Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. Careful, JOE! Kiss off! Yeah! hmm. Your father. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed.
All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! CLINTON: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?
You do what you want, Brian, but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard! Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice. You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist. (LAUGHING) Really, Brian? He doesn't exist? That's right, he's not real. Interesting. Interesting theory, Brian.
Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom. Ok. Ok. So how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.
oh! Bovine lummox! Oh! Oh, God!
I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna... Come back here! All right, that's enough, you two. This is serious. Stop it. (YELLING CONTINUES) Quick, Quagmire, give me your iPod. (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN: I swear to God! You keep him away from me!
Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you? Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I can explain.
And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants. Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh? Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold.
Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!
(INHALING) - (GUN FIRES) - Ahh! (CROWD GASPS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) You did it, Peter. Why'd you shoot me? Because I'm weird, creepy coach. Now, let me give you inappropriate personal shower while I smoke and forbid you to see parent. This is... Somebody should look into this sport.
Peter, what if carrying the baby to term would endanger the mother's life? I don't know what seven of those words were. What if you look at the ultrasound and see that the baby's gonna be born with no arms and no legs? You name it Matt. (TOOTING) Peter, I honestly don't care what you say.
Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Meg, who let you back in the house? Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you...
You'll have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all... Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms and it's not good news. Looks like you're gonna have to do some extra credit. (IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. Look, dinner's just about ready.
Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat--
I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. You son of a bitch!
Just one more week. I will pay you double. Perhaps we can work out another arrangement. Oh, please, Senor. Not my beloved! Armando, Armando, it is for the children. (SOBBING) (WHIMPERING) Yes. Yes.
(MOANING INCOHERENTLY)
So, have you seen Ghostbusters? Save your breath, geekwad. I'm here with my boyfriend. You mean that quintessentially '80s guy with his collar turned up all the way? Are you hitting on my girlfriend? No, no, I was just being friendly. I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere.
Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific. Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling. That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here. Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend.
We're looking for a skull that my husband threw away. A skull, huh? Then you want the human remains bin. But I should warn you folks, we're pretty cleaned out right now, 'cause Carrot Top comes by every morning to rummage for new props. Well, then we'll just have to pay this Carrot Top a visit.
(ALL GASPING)
Yeah, what is-- Hang on. Hang on one second. Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick. I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover.
Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!
Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't...
PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?
Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage." Spread the word. Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man.
Could it be?
You are so fucking funny!
(COUGHS) You happy now? Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once, you're going to stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you.
Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? What audition? Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?"
It's gonna be weird to potty. Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah!
Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. You deserve better than this, Mom. You know, This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this.
Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. (ACCORDION PLAYING)
I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse. Look.
(CROWD CLAMORING)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, My God! You got fired?
Everyone has fingernails And everyone wants cash So send us all your fingernails And we'll send you some cash Fingernails4cash.com Fingernails for cash Remember it's just fingernails So don't expect much cash Fingernails4cash.com Our service never fails
Some bitch! Who cares?
I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know. What do you say we read a book or something? Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf?
"You want to get an abortion with the abortionist having a stump hand?" And she says, "An abortion here? "Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. "How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand. "We can't get an abortion here." So we turned around and went home and two-and-a-half months later, our daughter, Meg, was born.
I love you, honey. And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.
Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought you were a regular person. Where's the shampoo?
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING)
So, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon. So now what do we do? Me? Am... Am I... Am I supposed to say something? Kevin... You're under arrest for the crime of desertion. Oh, my. Uh, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. You may use the yard.
You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! You 2, fight to the death! ay! Ok, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been...
Give Nanna a big hug, sweethearT. WEll, That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment.
I didn't feel anything. But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.
Yes. At the end the brother pops up and turns you in. What's this on your Etch A Sketch? Oh, those are some advanced mathematical formulas I've just been tinkering with. You're kidding! I do that, too! But what are these formulas for? For these. (BEEPS)
Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at Dad. I am. I just came to see him twist in the wind. Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce? Oh, honey. MaybE.
I see. Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. Ha, Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids. Oh, yeah? Watch this. No! eh... Ah! Ah! Ow! Oh, God! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow!
I hate that strip. There ain't nothing funny about four pictures of the Capitol Building and all that writing. What's your point, Brian? I'll tell you what, Lois. Meet me at the park later and I'll show you what I'm talking about. And you'll see you're being taken for a ride, like a snail on the back of a turtle. Slow down! I want to get there,
Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade oh, You're one to talk. You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What?
Don't worry. I took care of it. What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.
I have to go.
Oh, well. At least I still have you. You hungry? Oh, crap! All right. Let me handle this. You were going 65, fella. That's 10 miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?
What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.
Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.
I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody, ever. Now, go on. Get started. Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be... Moon river! Oh, by God, there it goes.
(ALL GASPING) And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? Because I'm your son and I'm tough. I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? You're cute. Done.
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
(PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)
Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state
He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Giggity Let's have sex Let us forever remember this beautiful young woman, taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born.
(SHIVERING) Shh! There, there, there. Everything's gonna be fine. You're all right. I think I'm... I think I'm dying. Jane Fonda. (STUTTERS) Is that? Is that right? Yeah, that's right, buddy. Totally Jane Fonda. It's gonna be okay. Your pal Stewie is right here.
Like, panicky. Hey, Brian, what do you think is gonna... What was that? You were praying. Come on. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. You were praying. I saw! No, man. It was a joke. - You were praying! - It was a goof! I was goofing on you! You're disingenuous.
Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up. Commandment Number 2: There's nothing I can do about the sun.
Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
So, yeah. Thanks. I feel a lot better now. (SNIFFING) Smell's gone. Look, I hope this hasn't created any weirdness between us. It's not that strange what happened. What'd you eat?
Brian, please, save your hippie BS for the winter months, okay? Hey, Brian, I'm not gonna recycle this aluminum can. I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. Your Earth's bitch.
I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.
You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Well, it's probably the right move anyway. Those girls seemed kind of annoying. Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.
It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy
I love you too, honey. That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Ok, you can go to jail with him! What? 24 months in prison? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be I'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the Device!
(FARTING) (FARTING) Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization, what we want from the community as fat people with pride. (COUGHING) (PANTING CONTINUES) (FARTING CONTINUES)
Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't his absence slightly odd? Maybe he's forgotten you Chumba Wumba gobbledy gorse
My God. Nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink.
Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio. 2 minutes, uh, everybody. 2 Minutes. ...Feh--feh--feh fi--fi--fi--fi fo--fo--fo-- Jeez, full house. Well, well, Look who came crawling back.
No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee.
Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him.
- What? - Um... The mail came a little later than usual today. Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go. Wait, hang on, hang on! Did I tell you about that over there? Stewie, I can't physically see what you're pointing at. I'm getting off now. Bye. Well, your loss, Brian. That thing over there is pretty interesting.
- Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter? - Brian, last night I had this crazy dream. I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh, wait. Here it is. What the hell was I eating? (BLEATING) Oh, sorry.
M-m-max, Max, Max, let's not deny our heritages.
Holy crap. It's a gay bar!
I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground. Is that my ass?
'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older and I'm getting older, too That's right, Peter.
No, it's a tumor.
Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.
Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do?
Oh, Chris, hi. I didn't realize you'd be awake. What? Well, Meg said you'd be asleep, but it's fine. I can work with this. Oh, hell no! Meg!
Question number 2. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? I--I don't know. Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!
Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave! Don't tread on me! Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again! Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave.
followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear, but somehow still in the race, is 'til Death. You named your horse 'til Death? You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat. ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. (THUDDING) (ALL GASPING) Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing,
(CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we? JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present. We're still in 1999. Wait a minute. I remember this.
So, What were you wanting to work on? Cardio, upper body, what? Upper body, definitely. I--I need to get buff so I can get my tricycle back. Luckily we're running a special right now for the next 17 minutes. Ok, That's a little unusual, but, uh, ok, tell me. Ok, The normal plan is 78 months at $40 a month, and $200 down. Watch this. Forget the down. Are you Watching?
You come out here right now!
You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you. Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale? Oh, yeah. What... Just a week ago, I think. Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new.
No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen... on your poop deck.
Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck!
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.
What's your name, sweetie? Dad, you know my name. (EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.
Oh, What's that smell?
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GAGGING) (CRACKLING) (CRACKLING) (GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck. The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata. I sure hope candy comes out of that. Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser. I'll never be able to face Lois. Well, The circus is in town. Maybe you could run away and join it.
5% of the country has. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?
Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once. But the woman drank during her pregnancy. The kid came out a real lemon. I turned this water into poo! Uh-huh. I also turned this fish into poo! Ah. Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is.
"No, it's okay, he won't mind." Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans? All right, Lord Vader, you win. I've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14.
Feed me. You can talk? That's right. And we're gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!
Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry. (EXCLAIMING) DREYFUSS: We talked into the night,
Hang on, I'll fix it.
Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...
Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff.
Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.
E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris. Stop it, Meg.
Way to go, Joe! Yeah! How do you like that, buddy? A sphincter says what. What? You stupid bastard. Oh, Good to see your new fiscal responsibilities haven't interfered with your reading.
Okay, now I get it. Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time.
oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life.
And a woman wants a love sweet and warm How many women just like you Have silent schemes?
- But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us. If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.
Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries. (GASPS) Do you think he's okay? I don't know. You idiot! This is your fault.
LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine.
(GASPS) Yes, yes, yes. Find one, yes.
Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS) Oh, there's my apple juice. Stewie, wait! Don't... Ugh! Ah! Aah! Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind. (SCREAMING)
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Look, there he is! Oh, thank God, I'm saved!
(BUNNIES SQUEAKING)
Yeah. Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music? Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music. He-hee. Yeah!
Oh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl. I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one-D-4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-5 holy avenger.
Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger Lois Griffin. Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor?
Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Come on. Come on. Hello, is this the-- Ugh. Ahhh! Ahhh! Oh, Sorry. I thought you were the District Attorney.
She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle!
where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...
Hey, Quagmire, you know you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes? Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry. You want me to talk to him? Well, no, actually, I want you to tell me the joke. Yeah, tell us the joke. You want to hear it? All right. So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (INAUDIBLE)
(ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.
So the government is trying a new tactic. They've hired Jeff Gillooly. Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it!
And I hate myself. I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. But I'm the president. The best there is. But you just said you hated me. But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you--you-- who love, hate, Yankees, clouds...
You're right. You're right. This is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors. That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?
You're... You're my everything. Mommy loves you, sweetheart. (TAUNTING) Stewie loves Lois. (TAUNTING) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis. Oh, yeah, I do.
(SLURPING STOPS) Oh! All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake. Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay? (PANTS)
I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me. (GASPS) You're wicked. Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern. I don't really have to worry about her anymore. Oh, do you have one of those white-wine zombie moms? No, she died. She was taking a tub and somebody came in and cut her head off.
Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want. The guys only want to do one thing. And that's ogle your wife. If Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again, I'm the jealous type. Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal--
That's a beautiful story, Peter, about people coming together to form something greater than themselves.
Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911. MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it?
We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass.
Joan and I kind of do the Japanese thing. Uh-oh, foot odor. I have to go. I have, uh, terrible foot odor. Glenn, your place looks wonderful. I feel like I can touch things in here now. We brought you guys a bottle of wine.
Hoi! Hoi! ah! Ha! ha! Ha! Hmm. Ugh!
I mean it, Chris. I'll tell them. Mom, Chris took money out of the... Okay, okay, okay.
That happened, and we all let it happen.
There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.
Wake up, wake up, wake up.
(LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!
just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk. Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money? Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas! Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay. (LUCK BE A LADY PLAYING)
or an Italian guy needs to over exaggerate. I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to... ...here with your BS. Oh, he's really had it this time. I'm sorry, Louie!
It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
(GASPS) You guys? Oh, my God!
(MUFFLED) Okay. Now, what else you got there? You got a stapler?
Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor. Oh, don't worry, I watch Regis and Kelly. I can handle it. Oh, so, you know. This is my husband Ben. Hi, glad to know you. Gosh, you know,
I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm. Not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments.
Wow, that's wacky! There, now. That wasn't so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all? Yeah, a little. Ugh, I couldn't sleep a wink. My pillow smelled like farts. But that's all right, because we're in England. uh-oh!
Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart
You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!
I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.
Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book
Good morning, class. Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, authorities are still searching for the culprits in a series of horrific acts of destruction all across... Scroll down, guys. ...the globe. That could've fit on there. There was a long space at the end of that line. My God, it's you, isn't it?
Get the fuck out of my house!
Hop in. Hey, Quagmire. Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or--or boating, or owning a boat. Yeah! ha, or--or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! Oh, Quagmire.
'Cause that's where Santa went to high school. Of course. All right. Well, I just have one more question, then. Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you? Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous... You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole!
It's been a whole week since I seen a T.V. show. I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob.
Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Oh, thank God! Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be... Oh, my God!
a smart, sexy, real person who I can talk with and share every piece of me with. I had a moment of weakness today, but, in a way, it's all right because it's taken me to a place where I now realize that you're not too old for me. Isn't that great? You're not too old for me! You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me.
Come on, everyone. The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start. Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
It's too bad we're not the A-Team. 'Cause then we could just go in there and steal that kid. I don't know about that, Peter. Kidnapping is against the law. It's too bad we're not Taken from Taken. Then I could dip my head in brown paint and galumph around Europe looking for my hot daughter. Although is it any worse than what they're doing? They're letting a kid die.
These are mine now. Hey!
He needs surgery to save his life. But when he is placed on the operating table, the doctor says, "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." Who is the doctor? Wow! This is a toughie. Yeah, I think we can rule out the mother right away.
Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance. Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
Robert E. Lee, I knew I'd find you here, where they seat the sorry-ass losers! Ulysses S. Grant, you invite me to lunch then show up an hour late, drunk? I was busy looking for your wife to give her the old-- Sir, this means war!
Not at all, Miss Spears. Call me Peter. Hey there, fellas. Britney? What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers... ...and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind ifl have a seat? I am out of shape. Justin, I got a favor to ask you. What is it?
Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid.
Here. Make sure you get all this. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Time to terrorize the terrorists. Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? No. Not necessarily. (GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows.
And now you're dead. Score one for Peter.
And the Grammy for Album ofthe Year goes to... Justin Timberlake,
Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River. That's right, Joyce. Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country,
Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell Where is the bell? Wait for the bell Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Mom, guess what?
No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian? Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate. Peter, you don't know karate. And stay away from Muffy. She's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father,
Good point. Am I the only one who wants to wet some knuckle tonight? Yeah. How'd your cousin do it? She wore a mask. Don't you get it? If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'll have a better chance of hooking up. Good idea! We are so gonna hook up! I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches!
I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night (IN PORTUGUESE)
I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again. Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Dylan! What are you doing here? My mom wanted me to give you this. "To Brian, from Tracy. He's your problem now. "PS. Will you write me a letter of recommendation "for the University of Phoenix?" No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that. But, Dylan, my God!
He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course. Anybody get that? The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette." Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. Hey, guys! Th-There's no more girlie magazines in the can! All they got is this--this David Copperfield!
Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.
Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter? (SIGHS) You're alive. Yeah. We just had a little pasta spill. Oh, thank God. (SIGHS) It's okay, Brian. It's not the first accident we've had in this house.
Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar?
Peter!
Can we get some quiet on the set? I'm trying to rehearse! MAN: Quiet on the set! Don't mind Randall. He's getting into character. Is he playing a dick?
(SCREAMING) Ghost.
Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire?
HEy, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of T.V. action figures... Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh? Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. I'll consider it. He'll consider it!
(SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad? STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?
Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. What are you doing? Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them? Yeah.
(GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done. You can't just break the law. Sure, I can. I've been doing it all week.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah. I got an erection. I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin?
We're finished. We're never gonna get home. We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois or anyone else we know ever again. You got your pal Stewie. Great.
Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.
Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits. Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA. What? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical. Yeah, right. You hate all megastores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.
Well, you said it couldn't be done, Brian, but I created an exact replica of the Raytheon executive headquarters in El Segundo, California. Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend.
(STRAINING) I'm not gonna make it. You hang in there, you hear me? Listen to me. I want you to take care of my kids. I will. And I want you to be there whenever there's a bad joke. (HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know.
(IMITATING GUNFIRE) That's what a gun sounds like. Will you stop that? Hey, can I borrow 50 marks? Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week? Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap. Ooh! (CHUCKLING) Just kidding. Oh, look at your face.
(ALARM BLARING)
and maybe find out why he hates me. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. You'll smooth it over. Hey, Quagmire. What a coincidence! You and me just running into each other. How're you doing? Fine. Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.
Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.
Hey, You're on our turf, man! Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Well then, I'll just wait right here till you get back. Where the devil is he? You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!
Oh, I hate vegetables.
"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!" Whoa! Aah! Are you Timmy?
I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion. We should spend some time together as a family. I don't think so, Lois. But the world is ending.
ahem. "Cinderella had 3 wicked step watermelons "who were very smelly to her. "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny "and sent her off to the poop." Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd!
Okay. 401-555-1125. Four... Four, zero... Four, four, zero... No, no, I was just repeating the four. One four. One, four...
Everybody did. (HORN BLOWING) Threepio, tell them to let us go. What the hell am I supposed to say? Tell them if they don't let us go, you'll become angry and use your magic.
Very well. Fire phasers! Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter. Well, well. Do you know what today is?
(SIGHS) "I'm sorry, Byron. Missing the midterm is an automatic failure." Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you." (ALL LAUGHING) There he is!
Wow, no calories and all that Japanese taste? That's the kind of plane my grandfather used to fly in the war. Cool. Man, this thing looks like it still might be in working order. You guys want to go for a ride?
Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn! Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk. Well, it seems to have worked. Hey I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt. Well, you're the number-one husband, too. I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt. Whoops.
Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR. "I'm so stressed.
(BELLS CHIMING) Ice cream truck! You didn't get any ice cream? The ice cream man was handsome. I got nervous.
(CHORTLES)
shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!
MALE VOICE: I think we can all benefit from a little strange now and then. I know I will. Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard!
Damn, it's still raining.
- I got cash! - I'll take it! Suit yourself. Hey, Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place. Hey! hey!
Pardon me.
(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.
Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin.
Oh, my God! Nice. Nobody touch the knife! There could be fingerprints on it.
Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time.
Oh, congratulations, Jillian. I know.
I will. Hi, my name is Walt and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Walt. I used to be out of control. I used to drink from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I'd get in fights and have crazy sex with hookers all night. But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year.
I might just be up for a movie. Okay, somebody really needs to help me here.
No, no, I have no idea. Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is?
Am I blue or am I red? This is crazy. You're blue. You're blue.
edited for goats. KHAN: Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive. Buried alive. (BLEATING) Lois, I need $28,000.
Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!
Holy crap!
and Joe's dead from the waist down. (SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?
Killer in the house. Oh, my God. I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) Well, I reckon if I was a cattle-rustler, I wouldn't be afeared. Oh, Peter, that's good. I know, Lois. Hey, guys, has anybody seen James? Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this.
Now, remember, Peter, we're going to be right here in the van if anything goes wrong. Just try to get O.J. talking about the murders. Do you think he'd be offended if I asked him to sign this basketball? Yeah, I think he'd be very offended. QUAGMIRE: Oh! All right, Joe. Can you hear me?
(BURPS) (FARTS) (CHUCKLES) Indeed, that's how it happens.
Oh, Nice. Just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them? If Chris gets his homework done, you can watch your show together next week. Now come on. Help me get the house ready for my mother. She's coming to visit for exactly one week. Bye, Mom. Sheesh. What a week that was, eh?
Wow, Jerome, the place looks great. Yeah, look at you, owning a bar. You guys are doing pretty good. First you get to run Somalia, now this. Well, it sure is good to be back in the old Clam. Hey, there's some guys sitting in our booth. Maybe we should tell them it's our booth.
James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it! Oh, God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not coming out. Brian, is that you?
I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already. Lois is on a date with Quagmire, and you've gotta stop her before something happens. What? Oh, my God! Where is she? She's next door at his house.
Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya! Ya! Ha! Ah!
What the fuck is going on with my life?
Watch this. (EXCLAIMING HAPPILY) It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s. Steak and donut sandwich, please.
And I'm not letting you break that promise. Well, I guess a deal's a deal. Okay. By the way, did you know you had a tiny conjoined twin attached to your hip? Is it worth anything? It is to me. I've been using it as a bookmark.
I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back. I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast?
Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl. Oh, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know? They haven't turned into bitches yet. (SIGHS) It's true. What happened to all of us?
I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois? Now we know what to get him for Christmas.
Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house.
Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes? Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter. And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown! Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it.
Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Someone important must be arriving because they're making a big entrance. (MURMURING)
You were born in Mexico. What? When I found out that your real father was a drunken Irishman, I went to Mexico to terminate my pregnancy. But God had other plans, and you were born right there.
Peter Griffin, the guy who took down O.J. Marcia Clark sure couldn't do it. That dumb beaver. Hey, I wasn't even there. I was building a Canadian dam at the time. Did you know that beavers affect their ecosystem more than any other animal? Except man. (LAUGHS) He was in our house earlier.
(SCREAMING) All right, let's go to the bank.
All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round.
Naked plastic chicks.
Didn't you unlock the door when we left? No, you were the last one out! How the hell are we gonna get back inside? All right, find a rock. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I'm putting out the presents. Not like that you're not. Tall in the back, short in the front.
Oh, walk away. You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I guess so. What? I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freaking car just like that! I hate this place. Look at all these Hummers.
Oh, that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.
Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)
What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper? I'm just trying to eat here. What did you do to your mother's vagina? Leave me alone! How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"? What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? (SHUDDERING) (SCREAMS) STEWIE: Daddy! Help me, Daddy! PETER: I can't get involved 'cause of journalism.
(STILL PLAYING)
"Falcon stolen." Ew! There's a toenail in this. Guess I'll just go back to coughing. (COUGHING)
Wait a minute. You know what? - I think you should play catch with Jake. - Really? Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his. Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake. I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
Then that time you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room.
- Shut up. - No, you shut up.
Oh, Lois, there you are. Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you for letting us have the wedding here. Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here? Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. Oh, uh, sure. No--No problem. Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night. Keep it down.
Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin?
(NOTRE DAME VICTORY MARCH PLAYING)
I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter.
Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie. I babysit now 'cause I'm growing up. I'm so getting hair down there. Anyway, you guys should totally come over. What? You're already here? No way! (BOTH SCREAMING) Look, I brought four cigarettes I filched from my mom's purse.
Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well... I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time. Mom, check it out!
because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together.
Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment?
Hello, friends. if you're watching this, I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. What? The demolition will begin in--Now.
Had to hold the cue at weird angles, but still. Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing? Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.
Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.
"Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" "Smokin'!" Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?
Quagmire! QUAGMIRE: What?
No, no. I--I think it's right where I'm at. Out of my way! Oh, I see. Yes, yes, i--I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait right here till you get back. Where the devil is he? You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"?
Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm?
Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet. Uh... It's exactly what it looks like.
I gotta fight for my right to party! A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.
One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here.
Now what are we gonna do? We have no money. Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family.
Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Big night, Brian. How you feeling? Well, a little nervous. I just want it to go well. Fingers crossed. Will there be an intermission? Because that will determine whether or not I bring this empty Gatorade bottle into the theater. TOM: This is unacceptable! Sorry, guys, I got to go.
You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime.
Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.
(ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK PLAYING)
It's Neil Goldman's face. Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature. If I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I Would've never done it. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, I went to the streets to find out.
What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha! I got you now, Griffin!
It starts with checking out sweet-ass DVD releases,
They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific.
Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there. Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he?
Wouldn't it? (LAUGHS) Yes, it would.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Bird, bird, bird
Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING)
Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no!
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin- Loving tart! Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry!
I love slumber parties! Ok, truth or dare? Who here has gone all the way? Hmm? You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing. Now everybody pair up! All right, Mom! Chris, get out of here right now! Um... I can't. Ok. Finish up and then come out.
Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet. Shut up! You don't know nothing.
Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. Oh! Yeah. No, you're right. You should probably take care of that. I'll be here.
Murphy, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah-blah, Tipper Gore.
Hi, gorgeous man. Oh, you. Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend. What.... You.... Girlfriend? What kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey
Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young...
Mommy! It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! GIRL: Mommy! Mama! All right, let's get this place cleaned up.
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
I mean, that guy had two. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake. I can't do it. I'm... I'm so full. Full of what? Estrogen. Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy. Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane. I said, I can't. - Eat it. Eat the damn steak. - No.
Uh, You got anything that might give him A little extra juice? You mean steroids?
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Look at your feet. Why? They're just feet.
Hiya, lame asses. (ALL EXCLAIMING DISAPPROVAL) We were having a nice time. Sorry. I'm just painfully aware that I'm the only member of this family who's going out for drinks with a celebrity tonight. What are you talking about? Joyce Kinney invited me out for drinks.
Peter, what're you doing? Crack.
Oh, dear me. Yes, Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. Thanks a lot, Peter. right now I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi. Yeah, And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. now Meg, don't you give it all away up front.
There. How's that feel? Well, it-it's... It's delightful. Mmm. Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you.
(MONSTER SNARLING)
The House of Munch is going down the tubes.
This whole block is S.O.'s. We use the abbreviation "S.O's" because it saves a lot of time over saying "Sex Offender,"
You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa!
And when you spurned my advances, it was a wake-up call. No one's ever gonna love me again. Wait a minute. So that's why you been acting like such a wacky ass around me? It's been so long since I've been with a man, I don't even remember what it feels like. I always imagined it felt very painful. You just sort of grit your teeth and let us do what we want.
(GRUNTS) Next time, that'll be you. Well, why wasn't it him this time? Oh, I'm so scared. (GRUNTING) Peter, stop it! Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't you? Okay, I'll stop now.
Okay, everybody, time for paintball. I forgot to pick up the paintball guns. Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office. Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house? All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois. She's scared. All right, one, two, three, go!
Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Uh, Morgan Freeman.
(SCREAMING)
Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.
Meg, I almost lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again! This guy may look harmless on the outside, but on the inside he could be a complete bastard,
Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.
Oh, look, Cleveland finally made it. Oh, hey there, Griffins. (BARKING) CLEVELAND: Oh, that takes me back. Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before.
Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. No. No, you can't leave, not without me. I'm the baby.
And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!
Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt." Come on, Brian. I gotta get to softball practice.
CARTER: Good stuff happening over here. All implied. BABS: It was the happiest time of our lives. Unfortunately, that was the year the great war with Alaska broke out, and even Carter's lofty connections couldn't save him from the draft.
Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
I don't understand, John. The groundskeeper said he saw the mummy burning the flag. But mummies don't hate America. They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do. Ruh-roh. Remocrats. (TEETH CHATTERING) Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog. But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.
Look at him sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Shut up, Meg. (FARTS) Did you hear that? He farted. Just like in the song. (LOUD FART) What the hell is the matter with you? Outside! Outside now!
Hey, who's putting together a puzzle? 'Cause I just found a hot piece. Wow. Lois, you look great. I'd like to split you in half like a piece of lumber. Thank you, Glenn. Yeah, Lois. I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask.
And if I try, I still couldn't hide my love for you You oughta know for haven't I told you so? Ok, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now. All right!
- What? - Thanks.
All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. I said "duty." but no time to laugh about it now. Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and-- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.
Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up! Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!
I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. You got a point there, hot stuff. And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Yay! What? No, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
"You can't go into space because the machine "already got blown up by Jake-cockadoody-Busey." - Start over! - Fine.
(PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people. Oh, my God, a baby! Are you okay?
You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek.
Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet. You got problems at home? No! What--What would make you say that? Ex-husband back in the picture, you're workin' during the day. They got time to bump uglies. That's right, I said, bump uglies. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy. Lois would never cheat on me. I trust her completely.
And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.
By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop. Yeah. You know, our youngest has been accepted to Northfield Mount Hermon. Oh, gosh, is Lauren in high school already? Yeah. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to middle age. My kids grew up. (LAUGHING) Say, you know, when you take that vacation, don't forget traveler's insurance.
Hi, Chris.
(MAN SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Well, it sounds like I'm needed outside. Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg. I didn't have a choice.
Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)
Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What?
TOM: Good evening, Quahog. Tonight, Channel Five mourns the loss of a dear colleague.
Peter, you awake? It's a beautiful day. Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't die from that weird sleep-breathing thing I have. (SCREAMS) You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day,
All right. (QUAGMIRE UNZIPS PANTS) (QUAGMIRE GETS SLAPPED) (QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS) Why do you say "organist" if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.
Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could. What? Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper. I was bored. Just passing the time. I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God! And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you.
What's a library, Dad? Oh, It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go B.M. Let's go inside.
(SNIFFLING) But Brian, I... I don't wanna lose anybody!
I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
I'd be happy to give you a tour. Oh, my goodness. That'd be wonderful. Great. Why don't you come down to the station around 6:00? You can watch the broadcast. Okay. I'll see you then. Oh, wait, wait. BILF. Total BILF.
Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do?
Everyone, I truly want to thank you for your support and remind you that as far as casseroles go, we're good on pasta, but we could use some more dessert items. (SOBBING) Oh, I miss my baby so much, and I'm more of a chocolate person than a fruit person.
Keep your distance, though, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance. How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, fly casual! (WHISTLING)
Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down?
I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visiT. Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter!
(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)
I'm not sure I do either. I know the law says I have to arrest you, but sometimes the law is just a piece of paper. There's right, there's wrong... And somewhere in between, there's life. You folks have a good day. I never forgot what you did.
Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. Stop punching me. Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now.
That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm.
Meg, keep your door open.
said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard of all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures. And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs.
but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers. - Buttscratcher! - No, Peter. Buttscratcher! Peter, no! Buttscratcher! No! Buttscratcher. Dad, you... You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris. Meg and I have been working nights.
You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force. But if you want to become a Jedi, first I gotta ask you something. Did you see Van Wilder? Yeah, I saw it on Comedy Central.
Nah, nah Family guy
Voice test. "I'm Chris." I'm Chris. "Eviscerate the proletariat." Eviscerate the proletariat.
Yup.
Oh, GoD!
(CHIMING) WOMAN: I have $50,000. (CHIMING) I have $75,000. Thank you, Brett Ratner. Do I have $100,000? For God's sake. $500,000. WOMAN: We have $500,000. Going once, going twice... Sold to the man who doesn't quite get auctions.
So what do you say? Are we a family again? I don't buy it. Me neither. When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.
No problem, Peter. Glad to help out.
Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911--
Hit it! Cloudy skies and rain clouds Have come to stay
Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler. Sir? All right, butle my penis. Butle it!
(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman.
Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987.
Oh, crap! Did I miss it?
Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits. (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Yeah! Now watch. (GIGGLING) Maybe later you'll want the real thing, huh? (BOTH GIGGLING) I prefer the Alpha-Bits.
I offer you a recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twi-- Hey, Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! Get him! Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this?
Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner?
You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah, she had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts of her from, like, 1994, in the back room. Don't you, Horace? You mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.
That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) All right, time to practice what we've learned. You're up, Brian. Now go hit on that fat chick. - What? Why? - Do it or you get an F. (SIGHS) All right.
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?"
About the same? Yeah, they're pretty much... Can I see five one more time? Five and six. Yeah, they're about the same. Greetings, unwashed masses. The following laws will go into effect immediately.
See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too. You balanced our checkbook? Yup. Isn't that right, Max? Hmm? Oh, Yeah, sure. He did it. Well, I'm gonna go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street...
Why you... Oh, my God! Stop fighting! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Holy crap! Oh, My God! Mom, you could be a world champion, and no one could hit you below the belt because girls don't have anything down there.
Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man.
War! (GRUNTS) Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie
Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch. (SIGHS) I lied. I lied because I was ashamed of the real story, that I let a vicious criminal get away.
We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses. So let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. Oh, God! This is horrible! I can't watch anymore!
Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving. And, you know, I've seen you eat shit before, Brian. Yeah, mine! Is that really a huge distinction? It is to me! I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick! How messed up in the head are you that you would even ask?
Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it. Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from.
(STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie. BONNIE: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this. PETER: I don't know, Bonnie. It's just a little weird.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
Because they know. They know what you want. "Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. "Me, big American man."
just like so many other promising human lives who were probably snuffed out by abortion, like the guy who would have killed Hitler. Nice going, Schweinhund! The fourth Stooge. That's right. There were supposed to be four Stooges! It was gonna be hilarious! And Osama Bin Laden's America-loving older brother.
(ANNOUNCER READING)
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years! Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype.
Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy. But ever since you won that lottery... - (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.
So, is... Is this, like, the part - where you guys have your way with me? What? You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know? Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! BURGLAR: What did she say? She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything.
Well, I'm not Yoda. Okay, I'm Yoda. You're Yoda? You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find. Will you teach me the ways of the Force? No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force.
MAN: What the hell? Come on! No drive. Is wet. Hey, fun party last night, Joe. You guys, I got something to tell you. The weirdest thing happened to me at that party. I got kissed by this chick cop.
Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Did you just tell me what I love?
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Game of Thrones on BET. I got a big-ass coat, chair to sit in, chalice cup of wine and a midget, but I ain't going out there with all them monsters out there! (SOBBING) Daddy, what happened to you? I can't live without the country club.
This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes. Eh. (STEWIE SCREAMING) Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door"! (SCREAMING)
Red-headed lady reaching for an apple
but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot!
So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that...
(CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.
You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair. Oh! So this was all about you, it wasn't about us. Yeah. All right, that makes sense. See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad. Meg, how could you put us all through that?
Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday.
I'm interested. (LAUGHING NASALLY) Bonnie. Would you like to sample a warm French baguette? Oh, my. My intention is to defecate on you.
Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. Oh, my God! He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras, and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk.
Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...
Sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right. Yeah. No thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire. Wonder what the hell happened to them. BOTH: And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu,
Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY PLAYING)
and if you can find them,
Hey, look, there's Lois. Yeah. Hey, honk the horn. (HORN HONKING) Oh, hi, Peter. (LAUGHING) Ram her. What? I said ram her! Ah! What the hell? Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun.
Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said... Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir!
ANNOUNCER: This programming brought to you in part by Kobe brand condoms, the protection you want for the sex she doesn't.
NEIL: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. MAN: Roger that, Neil. NEIL: We came in peace for all the peoples of the Earth. MAN: We read you, Neil. NEIL: We chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. MAN: Had a lot of help down here, Neil.
"We have your son." Meg's our daughter. Peter, do something!
they come from faraway places, but it's okay because they didn't get arrested and they're still kind of drunk so they think it's okay. You should know that Mom has emotionally let you go. It won't be long before she takes a lover. Oh, my head! She already has two cell phones. Oh, man, what happened last night?
Dude, this car kicks ass, and I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking!
Peter, it's been eight hours, and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire. I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.
Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance. Oh... Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house. That seems fair to me. Chris, you have damaged this man's property. And until you pay off the debt, you'll do whatever job he wants you to do.
Hey, what about these? Good choice. These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice.
This one checks her veins And this dispenses gravy for her mashed-potato brains Oh, oh, oh Terri Schiavo is kind of alive-oh What a lively little bugger Maybe we should just unplug her
My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this. Gentlemen, I give you the new Joe Swanson. (ALL GASPING) - Well, what do you think? Wow! You look great, Joe. Holy crap! That's fantastic!
If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better
Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully. But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus. Ew! Ew! Ew!
I'll take one. Me, too. Hey, give me one of those. I look forward to having a raging semi. Wow, Peter. You're going into the publishing business? Yeah. Mr. Pewterschmidt gave me $5 for these Xeroxes, and I haven't looked back.
I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe. Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok!
Fire!
You can't see the spaceship, either. My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture... you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins... Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning... causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing.
So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
The three of us. We go over there and we do what's right, we kill the bastard. Whoa! Whoa! Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that. You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.
Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped! I sure hope he doesn't blame the help! (WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!
See you.
I was wrong about you! You've gone soft on me, Holy Father! Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good! Are you calling me a liar? Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.
I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking. Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys. You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back. I'll never forget that. Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work. (MUSIC FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PLAYING)
You're lying to yourself.
(SHANIA TWAIN PLAYING YOU'RE STILL THE ONE ) (HORN HONKING) (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) (TRUCK HONKING) Almost there. Eat my dust, Lois.
Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff.
Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto. H-heh, Lois! How expected. Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you. I-Is this a bad time? Never a bad time when you're with the q-Man. Come on in.
Honey, get in here!
Aisle four. Meg, you're doing a great job. In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you so much. Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee. Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices.
I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you! - Whoops. - I'm sorry. I don't think you want this book. It's all about atheism. Oh, I know. I'm an atheist. Really? So am I. It's all yours. I feel bad taking the last copy. Well, there's one way to settle this. If there is a God, send another copy.
Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!
Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass.
Not only am I gonna win this election,
Peter, good news. Your suspension is up. You can have your license back.
Who could resist the call of the mystery box? YahoO! Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right. Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, 'cause you sex me up.
I think we came out ahead. Sure. Drive right up to the plane. Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. (AIRPLANE DESCENDING) They made pretty good time. I'm bored.
Lois' vagina was so wrecked they had to sew it up,
you know, When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille!
You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not? Fine.
(LAUGHING) All right, where's the CEO's office? I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom. Executive bathroom, sir? Yes. Right this way.
and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face. Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and hotels up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer! And 19 of us are not. And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine.
Um... How old do you think Daddy iS? 42. Oh! um, uh, uh... I--i mean, I mean, Daddy's old! I think he's 7! That's it. Yes. That's what you want to hear, isn't it? Yes, jump through the hoop. Daddy's feet smell!
Get up, you jerk. (CHEERING LOUDER)
Really? Well, I think it's great that he's out at such a young age. Hey, everyone, Neil Goldman is gay. (ALL CHEERING) Awesome. That rules. Aw, lucky. But I'm not gay. Okay, I'm gay. (ALL CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) Neil!
Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.
Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love. Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies? Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes. I've decided. I'm making my own chick flick.
What's Mom doing? I'll tell you what she's doing. She's screwing up my 6-2 quinella. Damn it!
(YELLING)
That's like going to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon. Is there anyone here who hasn't had a c-section?
Hey, wait. Wait, guys! Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step. (LAUGHING) Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.
I--I love children. That's why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996? Uh, Yeah, I guess.
Peter, the water's rising fast! We gotta get outta here! Hang on, Lois. There's a case of beer in the fridge.
(BELL RINGING) Hi, Jillian. Hi, Brian, ready to go? Hey, baby. Hi, Stewie. What the hell are you doing? Not much, really. Just me and my pubes hanging out. Oh, dear God. Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.
Don't you think it's time to forget about that boy? Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway. You'll find another fella. I could set you up with one of my friends. Oh, wait, I don't have any friends. I could set you up with Dad. Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg? I certainly would. There, Meg, everything's fine. It's not Michael I'm upset about!
Hi, honey. What? I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was. Yeah. You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, Meg...
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock. (BOTH CRYING) (ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. aah!
(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country? What?
Ahh! Ahh! YeS! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun
How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny!
(Stewie) Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?
I'm home. You're all my bitches now.
I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.
Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say.
Er...
Bathroom's down the hall to the right.
(PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here? Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!
Anyone for "not guilty"? (ARGUING) What the hell? All right, looks like we's gonna be here a while. Who wants pizza for dinner? And who wants Purina Moist and Meaty Dog Chow?
License and registration, please. Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir, you know what that means. I don't understand why I gotta do dishes at your house just 'cause I... Keep washing. Seems like more of a restaurant thing... Keep washing. And I can't rent movies anymore.
I could do it, Brian! I could do it right now and nobody would say a thing. I could blow your brains out and they'd throw me a parade! What? I'm just screwing around, Brian. Nobody cares.
So, What do you have to do for your community service? I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program. I gotta take care of some old woman who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years. When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants,
This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING)
I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.
The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. What about that graph on the wall that says, "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? That? Oh! That's just something my son made me in art class. Ah. Then what about that poster that says, "The graph was not made in art class. "We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back. Rupert! It's Rupert. Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now, please leave.
Shh. Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station. Oh, uh. My--My blind guy's in the john. I'll point him in your direction. Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing.
I'm not overweight. I'm under tall. Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives. An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis?
Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work...
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.
I can't move it. This is a crime scene. Well, can you describe it to me? You know what? Forget it. I'll take care of this, okay? Oh, no. Just.... Just let me close my eyes for a minute.
Of course, I'm beautiful. I mean, look at me. Aah. How strange... Should watch road but can't look away. Too beautiful.
(BOTH MOANING) Peter, are we having sex? Let's check. Just lift up that fold right there. Uh, yup. Lois, last night was amazing. It was, wasn't it?
Peter, what're you doing? Crack.
Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team. Hi, Dad. Go to your room. Okay.
Shut up, you nerd. Hey.
Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he? Are those fists? Damn right. Show him, pig. How the hell did you do this?
Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades. Now I don't want to hear another word about tHIS.
I thought I found a true friend in you.
Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny! (HORN TOOTING) Come on, help me get him down!
Better not be using my crayons, mixing them up. "We have your son." Meg's our daughter. Peter, do something! You know, Meg being captured by evil men reminds me of another story.
Happy Thanksgiving. (SOBBING) Mom, why is the cable guy here? It's me, you guys. and I have something to tell you all. Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian. - That is awesome. - Peter.
Stewie, I expect you to finish off your vegetables. Rest assured, you relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well! Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing through static.
Sir, Rebel ships are coming into our sector. Good. Our first catch of the day. (SCOFFS) Like you know how to fish. Prepare to fire giant boob-nipple gun. (CHUCKLING)
(CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.
Not again.
What if they come in a different door? Well, I guess we'd all just get up and go to that door then. Is it going to be like this all day, Jeff? Hey, I'm just trying to contribute. Yeah, well contribute to pointing your gun at that door. Mark, why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around?
(SNORING)
Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir, or I'm gonna have to fine you. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog!
(ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?
at the Miss USA Pageant? Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free.... You know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, maybe we could.... Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you.
You! I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. No!
So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day. It'll be like it never happened. Wow. Hey, what's going on over there? I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation. MEG: (SCREAMING) Stop it! LOIS: Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.
And there's some scribbling on the back that says, "Mrs. G." We figured "G" has to stand for "Griffin." No. That "G" isn't for "Griffin." It's for "Garrett." This is Mrs. Garrett from The Facts Of Life. And Diff'rent Strokes. Why does everyone forget that?
I'm trying to quit. Well, Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you. W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.
You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any-- I'm starting to feel funny. Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm--
Ah, you bitch. (SIGHS) Very well then, I suppose that bile-spewing skirt of yours can have her tooth back. What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING)
Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my biggest fan. (MUMBLING) Stay here. You can watch the show from backstage. And afterwards, we'll all hang out. Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.
You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?
You know, long ago, before this happened, your father did make some videos in case he ever became feral. I guess they're worth a shot. Hello, feral Peter. If you're listening to this, you've probably become feral, and you're probably thinking of a nice, juicy rabbit right now. (GRUNTING) But this isn't who you really are, Peter.
you know, I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money. How can you "half expect" something? I--i don't know. It's just a turn of phrase. How do you "turn a phrase"? Oh, God, you're dumb! Thank God for that ass! Now, come here and kiss me. Good night, honey.
What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian, did you see that treadmill - in the living room? Yeah.
No, you're doing fine, Meg.
Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over. What's for eats, Mrs. G? Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it. Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg.
Peter, that's insane. That'll destroy your body. Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great.
Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.
You wiped the floor with that towel. Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little sumpin'-sumpin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling. Peter, What's wrong? He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you!
You're disgusting. Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection, which is totally unexpected.
Wow, The evidence is really piling up. Make any joke you want. You know I look good.
A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun Dance and shout 'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt Though they tried to defeat me
You know, Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop.
Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer.
Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.
Sir, if you're gonna want me to examine where you're having an issue, you're gonna have to be more specific than "thingee." Okay. It's not the front thingee.
Hey, w-Wait a minute. Wait. We were next! Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey! You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get the video camera out and make our own show. I don't wanna! Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal!
He's a family guy Dad, can you help me with my math? Mr. Shackleford says if I don't learn it, I won't be able to function in the real world. Ok, now What you gotta do is go down the road past the old Johnson place.
What do we got, partner? Empty alcohol containers. The driver's inebriated and covered in blood. He's got scratches on his face and arms. There's a blood-soaked corpse in the back seat. Got shovels in there, and a hand-drawn map titled "This Is Where We'll Hide the Body." Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you, sir.
But my sister, Mary, shot herself in the face, and that's when I decided that she would live on through me. For I am not who you think I am. I am not little Mary Sunflower, daughter of Bradley and Theresa Sunflower. No, I'm not. I'm Desmond Sunflower! Desmond Sunflower!
Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!
ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I had a great time with you tonight. You're really amazing. Thanks, Andy. I had a great time, too. Hey. How about some love for shoulder guy over here? Shoulder guy wants to get in on this. Just ignore him. Okay. So, do you maybe want to go in the other room? Sure. Sounds good. And shoulder guy's going with you.
I haven't seen this much denial since John Travolta married Kelly Preston.
What? I'm going to prison, aren't I?
- All right! You ready for school? - Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? This kid! He's only 13. I know. I was just kidding. (EXCLAIMS) We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right? - Right? - Yes.
What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.
Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers.
Oh, my God! What are you doing? We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance. Yeah, and We wanted him to feel welcome in our home. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face!
hi, mOM. oh, Look at you all. I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking. Thank you, Nana. Hello, everyone. Hi, Daddy. Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt. Did Peter have a stroke? No, Daddy. Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina. Wow, you're a different color than me. Would you like to be equals? Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah.
DREYFUSS: And then there was Quag Chambers. He was the leader of our gang. He had sex when he was five and committed his first rape when he was 10, rape, of course, being legal in the '50s. (LAUGHS) Beat those cards, fellas. Giggity Giggity '50s Giggity.
I'm sorry, sir. You're too fat to ride the coaster. Oh, darn it. Yeah, why don't you go back to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS) How about me, sir? Am I too fat to ride? No, you don't seem to be. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Well, you got to hand it to him. He had a dream and he made it happen.
lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went
Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead! Whoa! Heh. careful what you wish for, huh, LoIS?
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
It seems Joe has found the first scroll. He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like saltwater taffy or a Chunky. Oh, no! there's 4 tickets and one of them's gone, that--that--that-- that leaves...
Then what are you still doing here? It's my first house. I'm not very good at this. Hello. Well, dot, dot, dot, hello. Lois, aren't you going to introduce me to your handsome friend? Handsome? (SPUTTERING GIBBERISH) Wow!
We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin' Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man. MADAME CLAUDE: And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved,
Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock! Excuse me, Lord Griffin. Your family is going back tO quahog. If you get tired of being a snob, look us up. Lord Griffin is dead. It's just me, Peter the towel boy.
your eye is drawn to me. Yeah, that's neat. As there going to be any nudity? Yes, I get naked. You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist. Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant?
Cowards! What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds.
Yeah, I picked it up at the mall yesterday. I can't believe I'm saying this, but this might be the best book I've ever read. Brian, you got to be joking. No, I mean it, Lois. You know, I've never actually read any of Limbaugh's stuff, but this book makes an excellent case for personal accountability,
You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Oh, my God. She's dead.
Cadmium? Sorry, tungsten. Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got? Okay, here we go. "What color is a fire truck?" Oh, God, I always get these. Okay, all right, fire truck. Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks? Oh, God, I can picture them now, all red and everything.
Newsroom. Hello. This is Peter Griffin. You'd better stop saying that stuff or we'll watch something else! Today on The View, cooties, the silent killer.
(COUGHING) Here you go, Meg. I don't want them. Take them. Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those? - No. - Oh, God. (RETCHING)
Peter, slow down. Brian said he was gonna be on the set all day. Oh, "On the set." Listen to me. 2 days in Hollywood, and I sound like a contract player.
Yay! He's a good singer. Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here. You should have been here, man. Those were the shows.
Okay, here we go. - How's everybody doing? - Good. Good so far. All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--
No paper towels?
QUAGMIRE: Look what we did. We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is. But Peter's got the best one ever written right there.
This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday.
I sure did, Mom. I can't wait for the next family outing. Oh, thanks, Mike. I hate fire stations. (IN DIFFERENT VOICE) No problem, man. (SNIFFING) Is that alcohol on your breath? Yeah, maybe. You're playing this too fast and loose, Mike.
Ben, what have I told you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed? Look, Meg, I've had enough of this. You're not gonna convert me. But, Brian, I just want you to feel the joy that I feel. I mean, the church makes me feel accepted and safe and part of something bigger than myself. But, Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings.
You can suck it! You can suck it! You can suck it! You can all suck me! Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae.
Sir, did you fill out the 1170? I think I did. Did you fill out the 1170? I filled this out. That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line. Look, I was already in that line. Sir, don't get snippy with me. What? I've been here all morning. That is not my prerogative, sir. I-I wait in one line, they send me to another line... You know what? You can always call to make an appointment.
Oh, that's what gay is? Oh, yeah, I could totally get into that.
Hey, you. Uh, hey, Ryan.
Paul, my boyfriend. Paul, this is Brian. Boyfriend? Oh, come on! I paid $800 for all this crap! You have a boyfriend?
Cool! The bank is getting jacked! Officer, my husband's in there! Can you tell me if he's ok? What's he look like? He's wearing a white- collared shirt, kind of big, with glasses. I got him. Oh, thank God. Take him out. No!
You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.
"Your trash barrels were a little close to our driveway. Joe. "P.S. Please close the windows when you're giving piano lessons. "My legs don't work, but my ears do." Brian, what are you doing staring in Quagmire's window? Man, watching sex in reverse is just bizarre.
I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song. Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need. Well, Have a good time. All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell? Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember?
(GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (GUN FIRING)
Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second. I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion. (MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD SHOUTING) My God! I'm a tomato!
Wow, Jimmy. That was everything Ladies Home Journal said it would be. Awesome, great, thanks. You know, there's something I.... There's something I gotta tell you. Being with you just made me feel so.... Live from New York... it' s Sa turda y Nigh t!
ooh! th-thank you. Thank you, that--That was, um, Me Farting by--by Chopin. Heh-heh. Th-thank you, thank you very-- Thank you very M...
You saved us. That's right, buddy. It was your brains that pulled us through. We're so sorry we ever doubted you. Thanks, you guys. You bet, champ. Hey, by the way, who moved our house? (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING) (DOG BARKING)
(NEIGHING) Is someone there?
My word, Penelope, you and I seem to have quite a lot in common. Do you actually use these? Only when fear, spite, jealousy and revenge demand. I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me. (GASPS) You're wicked. Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern. I don't really have to worry about her anymore.
Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends. Who would have thought? We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian...
Get away!
Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.
Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...
Take some action! Free the beast! Ha! Ah!
Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. It was 20 years ago. I'd never even heard the word "rubber"....
Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love
Hey--Hey, Carol. Say, Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."
oh, Joe, - oh, I am sorry, buddy. - it's ok. Are you ok? You all right? Look, It's ok. It's Ok, I'm fine. Oh, boy. Everybody's fine. Oh, That was scary. Peter, what are we doing here? Trust me, Quagmire.
I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God. How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh. Hey. This is the week you guys were coming up? Huh.
Well, Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party outta your ass, you'll want to stand up. Dad My friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with her friends. Can I go? Oh, no. I won't fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother? Yes. Ok, then. Have fun, sweetheart. Thanks, Daddy! Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck.
Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, Loretta kicked me out. Oh, Cleveland, I am so sorry. You can stay here as long as you like. Cleveland, sit down.
Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great.
Oh, my God, Chris. What's wrong?
'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree? Uh--uh, Yea, kind shrew.
Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! I know you can't understand what I'm going through. All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you.
(LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo!
Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren.
How delightful! This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities. " can make fire! Chris, come here a second.
What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois.
(FARTS)
If I stay here, the king will execute me for telling you all this. He's a real fit head.
I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye.
Mmm, good Kool-Aid.
aah! ah-ha! Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! ugh!
She left us something in her will. Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead. Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all.
And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS) What's going on, B minus?
So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?
Holy crap! I'm black!
Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition Met the greatest earthquake ever known High on the rapids it struck their tiny raft
I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed. I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military. Ah, yes, the bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle. - You stole that from The Onion. - What? You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq. Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at...
Sarah, Sarah... I don't-- Oh, Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened?
She's right in here, Sir. Just tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave. Uh, d-Don't you mean the "orderly"? No, I mean the disorderly. That's a little doctor joke we like to make around here. We also like Kevin Pollack. Oh, My God, Pearl! Brian, I don't have much time. God, I never should have made you leave the house! This is all my fault!
How?
You know, One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror.
She invited everybody except me? What the hell? We dated for six months!
Wha-What could me and you do together? Lois! You've got a sick mind! Peter, I'm talking about making love. Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what?
Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog? Well, a stray. Thank you. Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now.
In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling! Babs, sweetheart! Honey, we're rich again. I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money. We own half of CNN. - (EXCLAIMING) - And TNT.
Please Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins. Oh, No, I learned my lesson. Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish! What are you talking about?
Yeah, it's me. Use the Force.
What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir, or I'm gonna have to fine you. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog!
Goodbye, Meg. I'll always value your friendship. I love you, Mayor ChapStick. (BRIAN CLEARING HIS THROAT) (GASPS) Brian? What are you doing here? I, uh, just wanted to give you this. I don't think I'll be needing it anymore.
Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)
Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.
Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right? I love Barry Manilow.
Ahem. "Now is the winter of our discontent "made glorious summer by this sun of York. "And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep!
Jackpot!
God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch!
But soon! Oh, oh, And I want these, and these, and these. Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you! Hey, what's that sound?
DOLPHIN 1: Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail. DOLPHIN 2: Where? What? Oh! You know I'm just playing with you. Man, you are... Oh, I thought you was talking about other seaweed. You know I got jokes. (DOLPHINS LAUGHING) I'm gonna slap you with my fin.
Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it. Ya!
Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.
COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy!
I brought you something to rEAd.
I will not fight you, Father. Then you will meet your destiny. Oh, my God! Are you okay? Oh, my God! I meant to hit you in the shoulder, and that whole thing just fell! - Did you see that? - What? - That whole thing just fell. - How?
(GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!
You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke. I just work with what you give me.
You can tell your parents that my parents will be there. But they won't be.
- (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you!
What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.
You can't dance You can't sing No, you pretty much can't do a thing Never fear, Daddy's here Honey, you're gonna make our name famous
HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife!
Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it. (INAUDIBLE WHISTLING) Ah! Yes! Yes, you bitch. Ah! Oh, my God, this is awful. There's got to be 200 people here.
Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple.
All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys. So, she gets a piece of liverwurst, and shoves it up in her vagina, so that when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,
my guess is he'll show up here to exact his revenge. Here he comes. Get down. He's in.
(SCREAMING)
There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!
WhaT? $2,000. That's twice what it cosTS! $40. What?
(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here. Yes, I am, Lois, but where?
Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.
Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing. I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat
You know, just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. You know, why don't guys just do that? They do. It's called being gay. Oh, that's what gay is?
I've never even seen the ending. You've never seen the ending? Well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance? I agree with Stewie. It's not really fair. It's outrageous. I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I... I get to the scene where all the guys are sitting around on the easy chairs... Yeah. That's a great scene. I love that scene. It's noted in every annal. I have no idea what they're talking about. It's like they're speaking a different language.
but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup. Yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,
I'm a redneck, Brian. We like people driving behind us to know what our beliefs are. (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Peter, what the hell! My car. (CHATTERING) Oh, damn it! Hey, hey, come back. (SPEAKING CANTONESE)
Drive. Any particular direction? That way.
Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.
Hey, check it out, we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor. I'm gonna go in for a closer look. (QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING) QUAGMIRE: All right! (GASPS) Quagmire, look out! Oh, no! Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.
He can't hear me. Jesse! Jesse! (BARKS FEEBLY) Jesse, what is it, boy? (GASPS) Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here.
I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts
(PETER SCREAMING) Oh, my God! You just crushed Andy!
(LA CUCARACHA PLAYING) Hey, Mexican Superman. I got the keys made. Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (TIRES SCREECHING)
Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch.
Really? Well, there kind of is one thing. (DOORBELL RINGS) (GASPS) There he is now! Hey, Meg. You ready to go? Dad, you remember Michael Milano from the hospital. He's my date. Oh. Say, Michael, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there?
Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind!
ahhh! It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin. I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's gonna have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. Looks like he's going to have to repeat the 4th grade, Mrs. Griffin. The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and A tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.
Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays. I want this to be a disaster. 'Cause this has been a long time coming. You care about nothing except yourself. You son of a bitch. I got a license to operate a sex crane for you. And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours.
(STATIC) Hello, ghosts. Come in, ghosts. I am Peter Griffin. I am your friend. Don't be shy. Humphrey Bogart. Don Knotts. That kid I was supposed to be watching at the pool. Hello? REAGAN: Hello.
Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? I'll remind you that I was invited here. All right, who's up there? Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois. Glenn, what are you doing up there? Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay. No airline will hire me after the accident. I'm broke and jobless.
Look, maybe you don't understand. This is like the trivia thing before the movie where they got, like, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that. QUAGMIRE: Tim Honks from The Money Pot? Yeah, that's right, yeah. So can you help me? QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, find a hot girl and touch her. I'll be able to see what she sees. It's blue.
Meg, you look pretty next to her. So, Charmese, I was thinking of writing an article about you for my school paper. Do you charge black guys more or less? Mmm. That's a hard question to answer. Most of them get a group rate. Come on, now, let's not talk about work. It's a dinner party.
Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it!
(BONES CRACKING)
Um, Actually, I said Satan. That's a typo. We didn't know who that woman was! It's not our fault! No? Then whose fault is it? It's all of yours! You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy. You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships.
Old people are gross, no matter how cute they try to make them look on Desperate Housewives. Go ahead. Switch over to ABC for five seconds. I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds. Oh, my God, did you see? Did you see how old and ugly they are? Oh, my God, that redhead looks like somebody pulled Silly Putty
And I just laid in dog poop.
You know how cousin Lou has that kid whose eyes touch? So what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist? Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded. I'm just saying that they should have at least had the option. How can you say that? Think of all the love he's given to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad. Okay, this argument isn't working. Peter, what if carrying the baby to term would endanger the mother's life?
You're not gonna get away with this, Mr. Googlesearch. Oh, but I think that I will. You two know my secret. I must be sure no one ever finds out the truth.
I am here to grant you three wishes. Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! " want a new hat! " want a new hat!
Wait a minute. Christian Science. Is that, is that that thing all them homo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff out of other guys' butts? Don't you understand? Scotty needs help.
Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.
"The trap is set." RV. "On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream." Philadelphia. "Poop chute lawsuit." I don't remember that one. That one doesn't sound real.
Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
(CROWD SCREAMING)
Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.
Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.
No, it's okay. I have a dog.
Let me get something to clean that up. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, what's the matter?
Say Meg, looking sharp. You want to go out after the game tonight? Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you. Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?
Looks like We're getting some rain here tonight, John. Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain!
(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Jessica Biel and Megan Fox Wearing nothing but their socks Is all I really want for Christmas this year!
Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man. - They just came out of the trees. - You saved my ass back there. You saved mine. - Here's to Snap. - To Snap.
I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather, who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s. His name was Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin, and his ocular misadventures made him a star.
Hey, Peter.
I'd invite my friend Rudy over, and the 2 of us would give you a "double dip." Ooh. Ok, Bachelor Number 2. I'd lick off all the cream and give you my special whipped topping. HA-ha. Sounds good. Bachelor Number 3? I would try to eat you really fast before I got flaccid.
It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant. PETER: No, you're going to yell at me!
Ok, now, be polite. And for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face. Oh, Shut up! I am always so polite. I, uh, hope we don't wind up on the evening news 'cause of this.
Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
(LAUGHS) What a family. God, it's good to see you. You won't get away with this, Woods. You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog. What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind...
If it wasn't for you, those planes would've hit the World Trade Center. Brian, what the hell did you do? I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, wait, when did you even do that? Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us.
Mom, Dad's crashing a plane on television. Oh, my God! What the hell is your father doing on a plane? I don't know,
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!
You know I would! So what, you'd kill a bunch of doctors to show them that killing is wrong? Does that make sense to you, Peter? Well... Does it? I guess not. (SIGHING) So what the hell do we do, huh? I mean, we're not gonna solve anything by standing here screaming at each other.
Let's go! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles! Oh, my God, I'll run and get help. No, no, we've got to carry him! We can't leave him here, there's a wolf! Um. There's not really a wolf. What? Tell my kids I love 'em.
Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. Where are you? Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch.
Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!
the wacky next- door neighboR.
Little man? You in here?
aah!
Ashton, come here. (LAUGHING) You've just been tomahawked. That's my show. Tomahawked.
Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too.
I--I've already said too much. I should have known! Her treachery knows no limits! I...Oh, my. Getting dizzy! Oh, Fight it, Stewie! "Do not go gentle into that good night," to quote Bob Dylan. No, no, Dylan Thomas.
'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree?
Boy, what a mismatched pair. A free spirit and a puppet. Peter, thank God. Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles.
Missed, you ass. Damn it, Peter, that hurt. Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of HohoCop.
That's his house! undefinedTake that! " got it! Take that, you bum! What the hell are you doing? As that him? Yeah! Oh, crap! Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.
And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this.
Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that.
I don't like Dad anymore! I invited some friends over to jump on him like a trampoline... ...but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! And his mom yelled at him when he got home! And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet. Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member...
and it's a great way to stay in shape. Well, we should wrap this up. You're getting wet. Well, I'm living life before the cancer I have kills me, so I don't mind the rain. Water feels good on my skin. It's cool, refreshing, and it's a great way to stay in shape. What kind of cancer? It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys.
I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight. gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back. Now that's a woman! That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!
Okay, well, sperm is alive, and every time you masturbate, millions of them die, so is it wrong to kill sperm? Yes. Yes, it is. From now on, no more masturbating in this house. (STAMMERING) What? Why? Because masturbation is abortion.
Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say. You're saving my life. Well, you saved mine. And, hey, we... We had a lot of good years together, right? Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.
DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight. Daddy, you're awake! Oh, Carter, I'm so relieved. (GROANS) What happened? Where am I? You had a heart attack, Daddy, but you're all right now. DEEP MALE VOICE: Yeah, he cool.
My buddy's got the inside track on a basketball game.
(GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. Seacrest out. (ALL CHEERING)
Fuck off.
WOODS: Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care not available to the rest of society. My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue.
I just don't know what to do with this information. I've spent my whole life as a Christian. I'll tell you what you should do with it. Absolutely nothing. That's the problem with this world. Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spinoff. See you later, bitches. Have fun with your stupid, goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty...
Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... Don't know... And now sports. That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement?
Touche, salesman.
All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it.
What am I wearing? A hat and glasses. What kind of underwear? I don't know. Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well...
He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209? 209? That flight left half an hour ago.
All right, who votes yes, 9/11? (MUMBLING) Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. What? What do you mean? I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. But wait, if one of me is dead,
Excuse me. Do you have a dollar? I'm a little short. Maybe that's the problem. They're all idiots in Washington. Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to. Yeah. Yeah. Good thought. But Where are we going to find someone within the company who's that stupid? Yeah. And not just stupid. Fat, too.
You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that. Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist.
And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide. Yay!
I can't do that, Hope. But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands. I know. And maybe that's why he ended up in my hands. The Lord can't do everything, you know? Blasphemy! Heresy! Sodomy! (LAUGHS) Sorry, I don't even know what's going on. How you doin'?
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.
More coffee, madam? I can get that, Sebastian. To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on. Cut my egg! Your eggs are cut, sir. Cut my milk!
You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN?
I was made well by the hand of God. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun.
One second, Lois, I'm almost done icing down the walk. Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.
I'd like to cram both your boobs into a martini glass.
Ah! And one more question, darling. Who are you?
All right, I guess this is the night bitches die. I wonder what the chain gang did today. I hope we're not missing anything cool. Maybe we should go back. Hey, guys, look, there's a house. Maybe there's something inside we can use to get these chains off.
who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher. In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... (COUGHS) See? That's what I was talking about. (COUGHING) Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out.
So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him. Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse.
All right, boys. Let's see what we've got. Well, at least we got somethin'. God! Damn! Stupid penguins. Sorry, guys, but the way things have been goin', I can't afford to keep you.
Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair. Look, Lois, it's in the Bible. What's in the Bible? I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes.
You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife. But there's nothing funny about that. (LAUGHING) undefinedHi, guys. We're back from the mall. " got new shoes.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) All right, lights out, ladies. (MAN LAUGHS) It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men. Shut up.
"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!
Brian! We were just on our way to the airport.
See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something, but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!" Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. We did.
ANNOUNCER: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear,
Mom, you don't understand! Luke and I really connect very deeply! He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here. In a way, we're both in prison. Well, Meg, there's a big difference there. He's in prison for a reason. He broke the law! He robbed a convenience store to pay for medication for his mom.
My God, what? What just happened to me? It's those sirens. They have us all completely under their spell like that hypnotist at the Airport Hilton.
(SOBBING) Oh, my God, Stewie, no! Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants. He's... He's dead.
Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING)
Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you.
You have to leave in a wheelchair. (SIGHS) JOE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!
Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.
Well, obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it.
" lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing... and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.
Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. (CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING) Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's got to be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. (BOTH SCREAMING)
Come on. Discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I?
I got a house on the Cape. Maybe you come visit. (WEAKLY) Maybe. Maybe you call a few days in advance to give me time to get the house clean. Okay. Maybe you bring a blazer so we can go to a wider range of restaurants. I'll bring a blazer.
Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have named that star for Mort. (GROANS) Just give me the money.
Pancakes!
You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose." You know, I gotta say, Chris, all my life I wanted to see you locked in a basement, but now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Someone important must be arriving because they're making a big entrance.
But the lucky one was me.
And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs. So again, ran away. Don't come after me. And I want to thank you
Well, So much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop. Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club Card. Wait a minute. I smell barbecue. Mmm. So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? Mmm, Delicious, Tom.
we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati. - That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't. undefinedFine, it wasn't. At was. Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help. Lois is out of control. I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy.
Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?
Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?
Well, we're home. Thirty days of sobriety and we can finally drink again. Oh, for God's sake, Peter, didn't you learn anything from this? Yes, I did, Lois. These are going in the garbage. But these I'm keeping for myself.
Dancing in Chicago
Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. Penis. (GROANS)
Hi, Naomi. Hello, Lois. I want you to meet my husband, Dale. Hi, nice to meet you, Dale. Dale? All right, I guess, but I'm doing you last. Joke's on him, I only got two in me. Lois, this is such a lovely home. Oh, thank you. Peter and I did it ourselves on a shoestring.
Well, Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you. W-w-Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. Peter-- Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER. Come on, honey, we're outta here. if you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. I'll do it.
All right, I am totally flaccid,
You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house. You mean that, Brian? Absolutely. Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there.
I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.
(GROANS) More fan mail. Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us. We're gonna be huge.
(GRUNTING) (GROANING) MAN: Hey, a hand. There is no escape.
Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks? I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else.
And As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. Ha! Kind of tickles. Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes!
Thank you for all your help. My pleasure, Peter. - Any time. - Oh, fantastic. Hey, do you still do stand-up? I do. I'm still touring. Oh, wow, can we get tickets? Absolutely. I'm in Atlanta next week. Great. Oh, well, this will be fun.
Should I follow the knight into the dungeon, or should I go back the way I came? I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37. (EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it. (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again.
Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
Hang on, hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it. All right. So, we're driving up to get this abortion, and we get to the abortion clinic, and the abortionist has one hand. The abortionist has one hand. Missing hand on the abortionist. And we're there to get an abortion. Peter, for God's... I'll tell it. I'll tell it. So I turned to Lois and I says, "You want to get an abortion here?
(BREATHING DEEPLY) - I hope I'm not bothering you. - Nope. Just doing some stretching. Maybe a few poses. You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right?
(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Oh, God! No! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know what they call this in my country?
Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs
That's right. It's Santa Claus. And you've got to listen to me. The reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick, very sick. And he needs our help. He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him.
Ding, ding.
Hi. I'm Jennifer. Uh, I'm Meg. Oh My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it. Really?
Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches.
She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there.
His wife cheated on him, kicked him out of the house, and he doesn't seem at all affected by it. He's probably bottling up his emotions. That's not good for you. Right. I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out $200 for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward. I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"? No. A "B"? No. C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, o, P?
Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man
ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful.
- Get in there and throw up! - Oh! Excellent! Now, I'm prepared to fight the tooth fairy. Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)
Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo. Well, Sometimes the business world's funny.
That's not how you say "ruined." What? Ru-ined? What do you call the remains - of ancient Greek structures? Ruins. And how would you describe this evening? Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. - Ruined. - Ru-ined. Dumbass. Brian, don't be crue-el.
Ugh, look at that. I remember when this was all desert. You know, when the baby comes, we could probably homeschool him. I can count up to nine. Yeah, hey, so tell me one more time how it is that God got you pregnant. 'Cause when you tell me the story, it sort of makes sense. But then when I tell the guys at work, they poke all kinds of holes in it. So, you guys are going to Bethlehem, huh?
Hey, Brian... Ah, sweet! Morning drinking! Yeah! Party! Peter, I'm not getting drunk for fun. I'm drinking because I'm sad. Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman.
Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right.
PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying?
We have some business to take care of, though.
Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of. Well, I am gonna change. You hear me, Meg? If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham.
(PETER GRUNTING)
Yeah, I mean, I was just goofing around when I first called you, but when I heard your voice, I felt like I found some part of me that was lost. Doesn't make any sense, but it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together. That's kind of nice. I guess I could understand that. Now that you're here in front of me,
Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!
(GRUNTS) Look at him in that tank top. He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on match.com. There's no way you're a size six.
Wow. Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts! And remember, not only is abortion murder, but it's also larceny, jaywalking and securities fraud. And did you know the baby you're aborting may also have a baby inside of it that you're also aborting? Now that you know this, do you want an abortion?
Okay, well, either way, I'm getting paid and somebody's getting torn open. What the hell are we gonna do, Stewie? We have no money, no way to get home, and one of the loan shark's goons is probably gonna bust through that door any minute and kill us both. I wish my daddy were here. He always knows what to do.
(BARKING) Who the hell are you? One lucky son of a bitch.
All right. We've got to take him down to dinner. I think he's okay to travel. I know we're not gonna do this, but at this point I almost think we should just cut him up and flush him down the toilet.
What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just, she just gave me away. Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I rIght? right? Yeah! Yeah, You bet your ass I'm right! Y-You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now! Come on! Brian, have you been drinking? No.
Men, form up Crippletron!
I'm just gonna stay here and kill myself.
Oh, my God! What am I gonna... Somebody help! Help! help! That was great! Look at-- Look at her! She's still shaking. Bastards.
Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert. Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates.
That's straight porn. Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right? I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up. Gay men don't watch straight porn. You lied to me, you son of a bitch. No, no, I'm gay, I swear! Here, watch me, go there. Jen Aniston? More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!
once and for all.
How about "all of the above"? How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"
Well, don't you love Mom? Come on, Lois, look at her. So two straight people who hate each other have more of a right to be together than two gay people who love each other? That's what we raised you to believe. Oh, my God! I've made a terrible mistake! I've been brainwashed, like Elizabeth Smart. It's so wonderful having her home again.
And I got a little surprise for you. In that contract you signed, you got to keep the corporate plane! (GASPS) Yeah!
Are you from Wardrobe? No, No, it's me, Brian. I brought what you wanted. But they--they wouldn't let me leave it. So, uh-- Hit it once, please. Just once. Ah! Oh, my God! I was flat. All right, then. Help me up. Let's go home.
if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home. But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.
Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns. Is that a baby? Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke!
PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.
Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire. Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money. Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation. No, you know what?
We like people driving behind us to know what our beliefs are. (TIRES SCREECHING)
Yeah, checking in. Brian Griffin. You should usually do that. You should check me in.
And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too. Wow, thanks! It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home. You know, I think the lesson here is it really doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.
Okay, just stop, stop! Everybody, stop! Dad, are you gay? What? Are you gay, Dad? No, Glenn, I'm not gay. Just tell me the truth! I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. All right, come on now! That's not helping!
Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.
Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,
(Director) Uh, Yeah. Really? Yeah. We can? Oh, Great. All right, we got a movie. Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of control, but I don't know what to do. I'm just hooked on the rush of shoplifting. I haven't felt a thrill like this in a long time. Well, I think you've had enough thrills. Why don't you just put everything back, huh? Uh, Ok, Brian.
Like what? Well, look at her.
So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on--
Chris!
" think so. Well, burn for it!
He'll know what to do.
And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing
Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.
I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... (VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done.
Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down!
ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report brought to you by Kia. Kia: Too bad it's a Kia. A big day at Fenway today, as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six. But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game.
This is a crappy wallet. You have bad stuff. What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again. It's the electricity, Peter. There are power lines down, and there's no one to fix them. The cops don't come, the toilets don't flush, and there's garbage piling up in the streets. Ryan Phillippe's been out there for days.
Karl, this is Chris. He wants to join our club. Karl is our chancellor. Well, Chris, we'd be happy to have you. There's just one little rite of initiation. (BIRDS CHIRPING) Oh, this is one fine day to be nude
Remember me, dirt bag?
(VOMITING)
Yeah! I'm a bad guy! Yeah! Yeah! How about that, huh? Look at that! Look what I can do! Yeah! Out the butthole! Father, please! "Please"! You know what? You have nice manners.
Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do. This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do.
Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past?
Yes! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back. (THUD)
Wait! I have a time machine. You do? Yeah, you want to see it? Yes, I want to see it. Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever. You. Me. Sex. Him legend.
Oh! "Boob!" Boob! Yeah! All right! All right! All right! Boob! What if we had two calculators and we put them next to each other? (GASPS) Yes, yes, yes. Find one, yes.
Yeah, read the inside of my butt.
ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich. Boy, this stinks. It's Friday night and I don't have a date. Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book.
(JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)
I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor." This is ridiculous. That never happened. Sit down, you rapist! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to wait until I've heard everything. Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad.
Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING)
Hey, she says it's her baby, man. Now get out of here. Is my baby. Ernesto. No, I'm not... I'm not Ernesto... Okay, this is so eff'd up right now. (SCREAMS)
Indeed I am.
And take your whore daughter with you!
I just finished the book, you dirty birdie.
Road House. You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh? I think I can get on board with that. (BOTH LAUGHING)
Peter, what about Babs? Forget about yourself for a second, Carter. Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki. Oh! Yeah. No, you're right. You should probably take care of that. I'll be here.
Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over your head?
Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio! Lois. Lois! Uh? Mmm? What's the matter? Oh. I just had the strangest dream.
I don't want women like that. I want Babs.
Oh, my God, Dad! What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh! Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating? Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny.
Hey, there's one of them. Peter, look out! (GROANING) Go on, Jesse. Make your peeps and poops. That's gonna feel good for Jesse.
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
Oh, My God! oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too.
(SCREAMING) (PANTING)
No, you're not. Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done. Can I go now? Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid. If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep.
Karina? Yes?
That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money.
Oh, I just harvested your kidney. (GASPS) Look at the size of this scar. Sorry. It's my first day on this job. Well, where did you work before? Circuit City. So, I haven't worked in, like, two years.
Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin. Thanks, Jim.
You ain't so tough, young man. That all you got, you son ofa bitch? You're going down, young man. You're going down! I can't believe this. She keeps getting up. I'm so exhausted. (CROWD GASPING)
(RUMBLING) Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work. - See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube.
I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God. 'Cause it's not really up to me. It's up to him.
A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?
Butt slam!
Is that what you want? Two crafty dwarves in your house, after your daughter? Wait. Do dwarves grant wishes? No, Peter, they're people, like you and me. Well, goodbye phone in the bathroom, but I still don't like Meg dating that boy! Guys that age, all they care about is putting their thing in everything. I'm not gonna let Meg turn out like my Nerf football in the hall closet.
Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. Where are you? Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to. This interview is over. What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool.
You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time.
Oh, my god! I know you! You're Luke Perry. You were great in Rain Man! Like that scene in the airport where you wanted to get on the plane. And that dumb guy was screaming. That was Tom Cruise. Not in this movie theater it wasn't. Every time I see that lame-o actor, I put your head on his body. Thanks. It's always nice to meet someone who appreciates my work.
I'll be with Allah soon. What?
(DOORBELL RINGING) Well, hello there, young man. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice.
(LAUGHING) Well, now what do we do about this guy? We got two Brians in our universe now. Don't worry. I don't plan to stay in Quahog. I'm gonna go out into the world and see what I can make of myself. I can be somebody here. And it should be easy for you because, I mean, what luck, you're white!
Bravo! We did it, BRIAN.
I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!
I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!
Not today, Joemama.
Hey. Oh, my God. My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. Very pretty. Stunning.
Hey, youthful guy. How is your barizzness on this aggressively redonkulous morning? What the hell are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean tizz-alking about, P. Doodie? You don't have to be formal with me. I know how you young people talk.
What are you gonna name your he-she father-mother? Knock it off!
I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay.
He looks just like his father. Boy, I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids. I'll never know that joy. Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance. You think so? I know so.
You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up. You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!
Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? MAN ON TV: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, God. E.T.: Ouch. Oh, God. MAN 2: Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking. (BAWLING) Are we still going to the baseball game? Get that away from me, Chris.
Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.
Holy crap! Do you see what I see? I'm afraid I do! We're being chased by ghosts! So, You went through all this trouble just to see your girl? I sure did. And I'm just a fat idiot. What's your excuse, you big chicken? Chicken? You take that back! Yeah? Make mE! I don't make monkeys, I train them.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come.
Ten, nine, eight... I just hate being around the kids. What? ...six, five... Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest, since we're gonna die. ...three, two, one. BOTH: April fools! What?
As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.
We're going to have so much fun on Petey's Funhouse today, but before we begin, your friend Petey wants to sing you a song. What makes you so special? The fact that you are special But if everybody's special That kinda waters it down
Oh, My God! You were really gonna do it! i-- But-- You... Nurse, this dog is trying to kill me! Nurse! You are twisted, lady! y-You hear me? You are screwed up in the head!
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Stabbed in the Butt, the only game show where if you get the answer wrong, you get stabbed in the butt. All right, Bradley, here's your question. What is the atomic weight of nitrogen? Get him, guys! Stab him in the butt! Okay, bye, you guys. I'm leaving now. Peter, tell me again why you're going to Montreal?
gods! Yeah, thanks, right. Hey, We're recording some tracks in Boston next month. You should, uh, come on by. Oh, We'd love that, Chaim-- I mean Gene, you big rock star. Bye. Ah, Wow! Such a small world. He was a nice boy. And he's still nice. Listen, Lois, uh, what I said before...
Oh, come on, Peter. My parents may have been against our relationship, but a lot of people supported us. Oh, yeah? Like who? Well, like... Like Carol.
Oh, no, Stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here. This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello?
Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband? Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be. Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine. But this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.
(PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here. Yes, I am, Lois, but where? Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before.
Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh?
Peter, can I talk to you for a second? What is it, Brian? Listen, I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us... and I figure, I don't know, I thought maybe we could be friends again, huh? What do you say? I kind of miss sleeping at the foot of your bed. " don't think so. Come on, can't we just go.... " tried to tell you. This is my spot now, Brian.
I want you to get rid of all this right now, because I am never fighting again. Ever! Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan "B." Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake!
while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)
Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. (ALL GASPING) What'd you say, Brian? Oh, I was just picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What'd you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak? Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg,
Well, let's not be hasty. Your Majesty, won't you please join me as my personal guests in the Barrington Room?
(ALL LAUGHING) (SINGING THEME SONG) Joke's on you
Mmm. No, thanks. I gotta get going. Oh, Don't make me beg, now. Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye. Get your fat ass back here. This is a holdup! Open the register!
For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is.
...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
Hi, Peter. Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod!
(GASPS) Cleveland! Hello, Loretta. Come in, baby. Have you thought about what I said? Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta. Oh, Cleveland! But I can't take you back. Why not?
Get out of there, you dirty little bastard!
Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead!
If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!
Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here? Yes. Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier.
- Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes!
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you.
Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age.
Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying. Happy birthday, darling. Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you. Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle.
Oh, look! A light saber cheese knife! Yuck!
(MONKEY SCREAMING) (ROARING)
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. It sure is! Fonzie be praised!
You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.
That must be the key to their power! Mission objective, Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to-- Whoa! I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.
Huh? Huh? Come on! Your mother and I are getting a divorce! You are? Yes! Yes! Oh. Oh, No. We worked it out. Yes! Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg?
Well, what about me?
A-Team roll call. Face. Here and handsome. Murdoch? Here and crazy.
because my friend lost his horn on the forest moon of Endor last year.
(LION ROARS) (GASPS) Mountain lion. Make yourself look big! (ENGINE REVVING) What the hell?
Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy
Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.
If I remember correctly, this is the Physics Department. That explains all the gravity. I say, it's like the spice rack in my fantasy kitchEN.
Kids, do not listen to this man. He is wrong. He is feeding you lies. Now look, it's true you shouldn't have sex until you're ready. You should wait until you're in love. But, I mean, hey, we're all human, huh? We have urges and they are perfectly natural.
(LAUGHING) (DUCKS QUACKING) Well, it looks like I'm a man with no sperm. But I'll always be a man with no sperm who once had a wonderful day.
Oop, you're gone. And the family's gone.
Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.
(LOUD CRACK) (CRYING OUT) Well, it's broken, all right. Well, you got to fix her, Doc. There's a big fight coming up. She's got to defend her title. Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight. What are you talking about? Look at me. I got a broken nose.
I have no idea what they're talking about. It's like they're speaking a different language. That's where I lose interest and I go away. They're speaking Italian! The language they're speaking is the language of subtlety, something you don't understand. I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Exactly. Well, there you go. Whatever. I like that movie, too.
The guy from the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This. You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these?
served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years! Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me. What do you mean? Well, That slimy agent had me believing the hype. I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again.
(ALL SCREAMING)
It's just so hard to believe you can work with someone for 15 years and yet have no idea who they really are or what they're capable of. Oh, I know. And I'm sorry. So, what happens now? Will you just anchor the news by yourself? I suppose, for the time being. Well, that's kind of exciting, right?
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.
We only live to kiss your ass Kiss it? Hell, We'll even wipe it for you. From here on in, it's Easy Street Any bars on that street? - 24 happy hours a day. - Oh, boy! We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate Can I see that pamphlet, siR? Oh.
Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to? Yeah. Make it out to Charmin, because that's how I'm going to use it. "Charmin." Is that with an "S-H" or... Wait a minute. That's not nice. You're saying my book is fecal matter. No, actually, I'm saying it's toilet paper, but listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I have got something to say to you.
What did you do? I killed him, Brian. And he's the lucky one. He went quickly. There were nine dogs in that litter. Now, are you going to help me get those Hannah Montana tickets?
I don't... I don't wanna lose anybody! (CRYING) Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it. But Brian, I love you! (LOUDLY SOBBING)
I may be a dumb beaver, but I'm smart enough to get out of here.
Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black. We do not fear him. Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian. How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here.
Peter, we're your friends. We're always there for you in your time of need. Especially when you provide the free beer. Uh... Hey, Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never".
Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours.
You're right. You're right. I'm a terrible mother. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God. (CONTINUES SOBBING) (WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means.
Half 6:00? Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund.
Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Okay, okay, I got one.
I'll just poop and fall asleep.
I know I will. Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me?
Peter, what are you doing? Hey, It may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit, but it's still beer, damn it. Ha! Good point. Bottoms up! Take that, you lousy Brits!
(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too? How long are you guys gonna be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act. Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped biting the heads off bats.
Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi!
Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT?
I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it? Or do you not even know what's going on? I also am curious about that. Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys?
Why don't you spend some time with your family? I will, during the commercials. And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest?
He purified me He purified you Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again. I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up. (SOBBING) It's really bad this time.
The character of Byron is 25 years old. I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? What? But he is. ...n't. My God! This is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.
He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
Huh. Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities. Don't worry, Brian. I know how to handle this. sir, Are you aware you were going 50 in... I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir. Aw, Crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island.
Twenty seconds. Name something you sit in.
My God, we better get her to a hospital. She doesn't look too good. Yeah, she looks worse than Andy Garcia when he had his conjoined twin.
Crap. Death! - What? - One more time.
Screw you, Peter. Not today! (LAUGHING) Aw, wow!
Good morning, everyone. Well, do I look TV-ready? Lois, I can't believe you're doing this. If you work for Fox News, you're gonna be selling your soul. Oh, Brian, come on. They're a major news network. I would think you'd be excited for me. Are you kidding? They're a lie factory.
Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man. - It's not your fault. - Screw you! Cut it out, man! It's not your fault. (SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough.
Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!
Hey, hey, there they are!
By George, she's got it! Now, what ends her wretched life? The knife! The knife! And where's that bloody knife? In the wife! In the wife! The life of the wife is ended by the knife
You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado.
That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil! Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed! That baby is possessed by Satan! Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick. I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie.
What the hell is this? Nobody gives a damn about animals. I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey! (BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)
This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? Oh, that's just the TV ALL: Ha! Ha! Ha! This one checks her heart rate This one checks her veins And this dispenses gravy for her mashed-potato brains Oh, oh, oh
Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?" (LAUGHS) I told you that one! You told me that one. I sure did. We enjoy each other's company.
- Hi, there. - How are you doing?
Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.
Wait. You can't go in there. Just watch me! No, I mean, you can't go in there, because that door leads nowhere. Use the door next to it.
And it won't be long Before you and me run To the place in our hearts Where we hide And I guess that's why They call it the blues
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...
But what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room. That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies,
so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg. I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt.
never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence?
You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.
Stop the car! Over there. Everybody freeze! This is a bust! Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids.
You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man. This is the life.
Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my Alpha-Bits. (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Yeah! Now watch. (GIGGLING) Maybe later you'll want the real thing, huh? (BOTH GIGGLING) I prefer the Alpha-Bits.
No way! We have to talk about it! Yeah, well, my memory is kind of hazy. We have to talk about every scene, man. Hey, hey, hey! Remember when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode? Wasn't that awesome?
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Here in status-symbol land
Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it. Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die. Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.
How do you plan to do that? Are you kidding? I'm great at getting people back together. I even recorded a song about it. Reunited and it feels so good Doin' someone that you used to do
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Brian's gonna be so mad at me. What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right.
Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING) Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend.
World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease. "Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away." Hey, you hear that, fellas? She misses me! (LAUGHING) You're all wet. Hey, check this out. We got invited to a party.
Cut the umbilical cord!
CARL: Hey, what the hell, man. What? CARL: You just made eye contact with me through the crack in the door, like, for a long time. Just seeing if anyone was in there. CARL: Yeah, but you knew that after half a second, but you kept looking. You're gross. You're a gross guy. PETER: Damn it. MORT: What happened?
(DOOR CLOSES) Carter! Carter, wake up! It's okay, Lois. Daddy's just taking your temperature. What? What is it? I heard a noise downstairs. (SIGHS) I'll go have a look. It's probably just the wined. The wind, dear.
(YAWNS) Been a long day, Lois. Long day. Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed! Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He is a graceful, majestic creature who is a part of this family and only wants your love and respect.
You don't know about Internet porn? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet?
Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a bonner?
It's the greatest story ever told, Meg. A story that goes back over a hundred years. Yay, Star Wars!
Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.
Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong. Peter, that story was completely inappropriate. Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage. You've totally ruined this trip for me. I am mortified to even show my face around this ship. Hey, the Captain's the one who should be embarrassed.
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.
You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter.
And nothing makes more noise than unwanted salsa music. Hand me that radio. (SALSA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) What the hell? Oh, for God's sake, where's that white-noise machine?
and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.
(MACHINE ZAPPING)
She's gone. No! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back.
Luke! Ben! Hang on, kid. Yoda. Dagobah system. Zima soup. Yoda. Dagobah. Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here! Well, I can't stand this cold anymore. I'm gonna die.
We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out. Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it.
Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear.
His movies are terrible.
it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher.
Charles Yamamoto... Went from eating champion to cold-blooded killer. Who'd have thought? Wait a minute, Joe. That's the guy who opened the door to my cell yesterday and told me I could leave the asylum. Ah! Is that right? Well, then it all makes sense.
Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim litz? It is you. uh, Which one do you want me to sign? Left or right? No, no, no. It's Lois. Lois Pewterschmidt. I knew you before you changed your name.
Um, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for this test, but I got a good reason. I'm dying. griffin, That's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg Came up with that Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom! But Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying.
You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out.
Meatloaf for us, and a very special, very delicious, steamed vegetable dish for Chris. Oh, I hate vegetables. Honey, they're good for you. Oh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime.
Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing.
You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants. Peter, where are we gonna get the money to pay all these people? Simple. I sold our house in quahog. You sold our home? Surprise! Peter, how could you? WhoopS. I recognize that tone Tonight I sleep alone
I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his goddamn brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching. This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa.
Oh, God! (COUGHING) Okay, you ready?
Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me.
brothers, bike cops. Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.
Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon.
Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley.
Good. I'd rather he didn't know about this till it's over. He's just a baby. Now, since the operation is tomorrow, I thought it might be a good idea to just kind of close the book, you know? So I just wanted to share my final thoughts with each one of you. Meg, you're so beautiful on the inside,
Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.
Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson! Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie?
This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same. You--You married Brian? Peter, remember. We thought you were dead. I needed help and Brian was there. He even took a job sellin' cars to keep the family afloat.
You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis. Well, here we are, Lois. Your first professional photo shoot. Karin, this is so exciting. Knock them dead, honey. Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going?
We should... We should get to the hospital. Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad. I feel rather like Mozart.
Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement. Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free. (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire.
Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you! Muriel, just surrender quietly. It'll be easier for us all if you... (WOMAN SCREAMING) She's gone!
(INHALES) Peter, Meg's been in there a long time. Boy, you cannot wait to criticize her at every turn, can you? Go get her!
- Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM) I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley!
Everyone, I have something very important to tell you.
Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.
I am going to let Quagmire answer first. Yeah, I'll go. I shall go, too. Great. I'll see you guys tonight. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay?
A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse? Oh, my God. Oh, no!
Too many cops, too many cameras, too much security. I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked. This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't worry, Lois, we'll catch him. Hobey, radio for backup. Uh... Hello? DISPATCHER: This is dispatch, go ahead. Uh... (STAMMERING) We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find...
Hey, do you have any idea what I went through to get this? A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter "with the Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?" No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering. You know, this cost me $437,000.
W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs!
I've had enough.
No! No!
What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist. And that just happens to be Glen's fetish. Brian, how'd it go? Well, Lois, I think I have little bit of "me work" to do. But I'm feeling things, and that's a start. Oh, That's wonderful. You know, like most other people,
Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own.
(FARTING)
Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok?
Oh, Come on, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris? Now I do.
Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break-dancers to do their routine on your stomach. Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it. But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall. Ozone, Turbo, do your thing!
Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should. (PETER CHUCKLING) Peter? I know you're in here. Yes, I am, Lois, but where? Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. You'll have to find me first, Lois. Where could I be?
What kind of cancer? It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer.
Well, Lois, practically speaking, somebody's gotta pay the bills around here. Seems like you don't have a choice but to let Chris work at the brewery until Peter finds a new job. Well, I suppose that makes sense. I guess it could take Peter a long time to find a job in this economy. Well, it may not be that bad, Lois. I could see about getting back my old job as a police sketch artist.
Ok. I'd put Brad Pitt's face on Brendan Fraser's body with Ben Affleck's butt! My turn! My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ha!
You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change. Thank you. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana. What? That's not exactly what I meant. (IN FAKE VOICE) Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis. (IN REGULAR VOICE) Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.
Ah! Yeah, you better run, you little bitch!
(ALL CLAMORING) (CLAMORING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard!
You promise? I promise. All right, I believe you. But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. Oh, come on. Just be gay.
(SNEEZES) Quiet! Keep it down up there! What did I just say? I'm calling the police!
Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?
Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT! That's it! Lois, Your singing days are over.
It's a small change. And if you do it, we'll really get behind this show. A plum? What is this, 1986? Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration. So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo? Well, no deal! You know something? I like your passion.
Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie. Come join me. There's a gun in my nightstand. Brian, I know you're upset about what happened with Kate and everything, but I did have one more thought. Yeah, what's that? Well, since Kate is blind,
There's no need in goin' over All the things that took me under
(KEYPAD BEEPING) (SEDUCTIVELY) Hello there, handsome. I'm Classy.
Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.
Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt.
Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder? What the hell?
I only like you as a friend.
Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man. I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody - if you had the money tomorrow. - Yeah, all right. - I'II see what I can do. - Sweet, sweet. Great. - How's everything else going? - Good.
Time to sign off. Remember me, dirt bag?
Peter, you don't want to get involved with the Mob. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen. Butt out, schlomo.
I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the united European Commonwealth? Why, yes. I dare say, that's the fellow. Oh, Let's get him. Oh, Reginald! I disagree!
And You're gonna find 2 roads, one parallel and one perpendicular. Now Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for "x." Math. ha! Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)
Hello, Luke. Uh, Have we met? My name's Brian. I was born here. Sorry, son, lots of dogs have been born here. Refresh my memory. Which one were you again? I was the one who could talk. Brian! Come on in! Betty! Look who it is!
It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
(CHOKING) There's nothing to do downtown. Enough of this. Vader, release him. As you wish. (GASPING) All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole? Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow, if price is no object. Uh... We'll get estimates. (LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY) Get estimates, yeah, yeah.
PETER: Let go!
(STRAINING) Okay, you think you can fit anything else in your mouth? Uh-uh. All right, so now let's start filling up some other places.
It's working! Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no! - Careful. - Hang on, Santa! Hey, I was watching that! Hey! It'll be on next Christmas. Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?
Experiments.
Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes. (HORSE NEIGHS) (ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
"How do you do?" What did you say? "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." I think she's got it! I think she's got it! The life of the wife is ended by the knife by George, she's got it!
Ok, I'll give you a shot. I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor of quahog. You get it and I'll make you a reporter. You got it. Run, little rabbit, run. But someday our 2 worlds will be one. I sure hope my face clears up by then.
Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years. (GIGGLING) Quiet, quiet. It's ringing. LINDA: Hello? Hello, is this Linda Tripp? Yes.
All right, Dad! All we gotta do is tell a little white lie. Just go with it. Is this the Grant-a-Dream foundation? My son Chris is dying! Holy crap, no! Oh, my God! That was the lie. Oh, you sly boots.
This is no way for a father and son to act. Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am. He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great. Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile.
Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian? I'm buying you another Rupert. Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild.
Oh, stop looking so depressed, Brian. I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl who loves abortion as much as you do. That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy. Oh, things will work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books.
Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop!
And if that weren't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job. Affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50.
Hey, uh, Hey, Leif. It's been a while. Too long, man. I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so-- You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night. But--But I was driving. I... I was on a road to destruction, man. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I? C-Can We turn off the cameras, dude?
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, "that all men are created equal."
and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late. You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case. I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.
No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.
Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!
Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie. (WHISPERING) She doesn't know what "Mr." means. Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West, Mr. Oh, my God, seriously.
You're doing this thing, which is just, you know.... What the hell is that? And you look like ifl touched you, you'd be sticky... and frankly, you smell bad. You're pretty much offensive to all five senses. That's only four. Well, actually, you know when you smell something and it gets stuck in there... and you can sort of taste it? Yeah. Well, I'm tasting you right now and it tastes awful.
(GIGGLING)
What, You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair,
What the hell? Where are we? ANNOUNCER ON TV: Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think. These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver. To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster,
This Tom Tucker bunny We all sing with glee 'Cause we all agree It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie You want a nice, shiny red apple to put in that pie?
You okay, fat ass?
And we have that kind of happiness, Peter. Real happiness because we have each other. Yeah.
and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was.
Hold it right there! You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)
Brian, I know my brother. He couldn't have done these things. Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this. Look. So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys. That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler.
What's wrong, Brian? You've just been sitting on the couch ever since you got back from the hospital. You need to get out of the house. I don't know, Lois. I'm a little depressed. The accident got me thinking about how uncertain life is and how suddenly it can be taken away. You're going to feel back to normal in no time.
Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! Take some action! Free the beast!
Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa,
I'm frightened. Let's go. Love it. Hate it.
Damn it! Maybe if we make it mad, it will come down here, and we can catch it and get the finger. Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green. You're the laughingstock of the poop world.
Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
Oh, horror You have betrayed me Al Cowling said it would be so Kato! I didn't see a thing
Coming up. America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman." We'll tell you what it means after this. Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm somebody now, you know? I don't have to lie to people about my life anymore. Oh, I am so happy for you, Peter. What the hell happened to you? I fell down the stairs.
Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons. ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Well, that's it. I have no choice.
We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest. We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off.
Well, it looks like the operation was a success. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. You bastard! Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. How could this have happened? It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water. Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? Come on, honey.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
What, did you hear something? TURTLE: No, it's all good. All right.
Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? World War V. Peter, we've been over this. There has to be a World War III and IV first. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two. Peter, it doesn't work... I have spoken!
And I promise, I won't make it easy for you! Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus. Yeah, Filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one. Meg, that's a terrible thing to say.
Ugh! 10 banana- cream pies! Oh!
Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective.
You have smelly dog farts.
From a drunken Irish dad
Liesl, get away from him. He's a Nazi. I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse. WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk!
Where's my money? Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah. Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING)
Okay. (BREATHING DEEPLY) (EXCLAIMS) Don't do it right here! I don't want to watch! What? Take it over there. Do it in the corner. - It's gross! - It's your poop! Yeah, but it's your activity, you know? It's your thing. (EXCLAIMS)
(CONNIE GRUNTS) Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm. What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!
(ALL CHEERING)
I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip. Oh! Oh! Ugh! Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, You set out to make him feel better, now he's worse than ever.
You know, We all really miss you. And Peter talks about you all the time. Oh, Really? Anything nice? No. oh, So he's still mad, huh? hmm, well, I should go. Here. Take this. It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore. Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he coulD.
That's it, I'm getting those sneakers. After all, shoes make the man. Gentlemen, take your marks. (GUNSHOT) I'm a different kind of winner.
Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at?
Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff? Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian. You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom. Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently. Can I poop in here? - No! - No! Too late.
Hey, Dad, you never did tell us how you got our house back.
Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors. I thiNk She wants you to meet them. She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.
Look, I make a living persuading others to join my side. But I'd never, ever want somebody to be something they're not.
If you spent less time fixing your hair-- No, Lois. I'm late late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? Are you insane? You can't have a baby! Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! God, I thought you'd be happy!
All we know is it's a skinny white guy with a tattoo on his left butt cheek. Well, I better tell Cleveland. I got a knack for delivering bad news. I don't know how to tell you this, Mr. DeVanney. So I'll let these guys do it. You have AIDS, Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS, You got the AIDS
Don't worry. He won't get far without this. And a pack of Eldorados, unfiltered. What? Oh, That. Yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out. See that sign? Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter?
You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. (CRYING) ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in...
Joe puts himself in real danger every day. You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero.
How's the party? Oh, looks like fun.
Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?
What do you want? I wrote it in a day.
All right, now, We're gonna use a fan brush here. And, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green. And We're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that, that bush is there,
(SQUEAKING) All right, I'll take that, and I'm gonna hurry home and show it to Lois. Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere. You're Dingo, that dog that plays all those fart sounds on the radio. Awesome!
Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.
Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.
You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING)
Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself. What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill,
"Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole.
And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive. Bring it on!
I can't find the sweater. How the hell did you even meet him? We had a pen-pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other. Well, it stops now! But, Mom, I love him! It stops now, Meg! Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus.
Well, honestly, no. Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Really? Really? Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! We're through! Jillian, wait! Damn it. I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. (SIGHS)
Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago?
I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.
Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.
Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young, either. Brian, we should sip Bacardi like it's your birthday. What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all! Peter, what are you doing? If movies and TV have taught me anything,
And that was the last time I ever saw her. Well, Brian, i--I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems. You have abandonment issues. You need to confront your mother and deal with this. What, Are you crazy? For God's sake, my eyes were barely open,
How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Oh, Let me see here. It's here somewhere. "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" Ugh!
Come on, Lois, hit me. Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes. (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, hi, Peter. Are you here to bring back the TV set? No, I sold it for crack. But listen, Mom, I got to ask you something. Who's my real father?
Peter, Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow. well, Count me in. Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris. Well, You can bring him along.
Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto! Ah, This is it, pal. We're goners. Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship. Me, too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway... Peter, that's it!
That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card.
Okay, what compound is this? That's sodium chloride. That's right. How about this one? Hydrogen peroxide. God, you're so smart. How about this one? "QM2"? I'm not sure what that is. It's Quag-megium. It's the strongest compound on Earth. Nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome.
Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car! You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research,
Almost. Almost. Almost. There we are. Well done. Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Mmm-hmm? I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me. Well, We are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.
He doesn't have to sit through the rest of the show. (GUN FIRES) Yes, I'd like to return this printer.
You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.
It's all my fault!
You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage.
Yeah. Who are you?
I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read. Hey, Lois, what's this word? "Evel." And this one? "Kneivel." - And this one? - "Was." And this one? "Born." And this one? "In." And this one? "Montana." Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana?
You're lying to yourself. Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this? Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops.
Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque. Good. Sick, twisted phoque. Good. Cluster phoque.
This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear!
Yo, man! That's trippin'! Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' For ya. Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! I don't sweat You. bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Jeez! Bring that trash in here! This is my house!
Lois Pewterschmidt.
Yeah. Me, too? Oh, They got a great deal on pianos if you buy a 4-pack. Meg, help me get these down. LOIS? Oh, my God! I don't believe this. Ross Fishman, is that really you? I haven't seen you since college. How are you? Great, great. Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit.
(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt.
Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home. HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter. HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen.
Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here! Look at this. Do you know anything about this? About what? About what a beautiful day it... Oh, my God, that is surprising. I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened? Gee, I don't know. Do you know what happened?
Nobody likes you. I even let him marry my daughter Carol, damn it.
Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn. No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come. Look at that, Brian. Cleveland is back living across the street.
Morning, Dad. Morning, Dad. We're going to need a few things for this class, an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge, but one thing we won't need is this. That's right, I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one. There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons.
Come on, Dad, there's no cash in here. Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted on your car," with his insurance info. Oh! (GROANS) Busted.
For pie For pie For pie This is wonderful, Brian. Oh, let's live in this universe. Gosh, it's pretty intoxicating, isn't it? I want to hear more music about pie.
Look Meg. I'm that pretty, dark-haired figure skater with the horse teeth. You know, the one who got what she had comin'. Nice figure 8, Mom. Ha! All right.
Yeah. Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro.
I'm glad you're here. Look, I pulled this all apart, and it looks like you're gonna need a new condenser. Really? A new condenser? Yeah, and I would also highly recommend a complete flush of your photon conversion system. I swear I just did that. Okay, well, how about this? Do you want me to just go ahead and do that while I'm replacing the new condenser?
(SCREAMING)
Oh, God. I know karate! Look! A tasty little baby!
Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but... Mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp. I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing. Really? Well, yeah, ok.
Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me.
Now, what do you want?
Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (TIRES SCREECHING) That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew.
So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.
Look how vascular I am, Brian. If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man. I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body." I'm really into him now. You better be okay with it!
Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.
Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again! No! oh, This has gotta stop. Oh, God! It smells gross. Well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears. That's odd. It looks like someone already tried to clean it up. No, it doesn't. Mine smells like soda.
Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience." (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President! Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be...
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia. This sucks. I hate it here. Shut up. Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons.
And then I got pulled over for speeding. License and registration, please. Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir, you know what that means.
Oh, no bars. All right, who's next for a flu shot? Oh, that's me. I'm Peter Griffin. Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply. We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here. Oh. Okay.
I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym. It has nothing to do with the gym. You're on drugs. Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! (GRUNTS) I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl. You sound hot. What are you wearing?
That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?
(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)
Hang on. Hang on. Can you bring me some of those free gym bags? Thanks. I--I can probably just do some pushups at home-- Ok, Let's start with the complete body-fat test, maybe a heart rate-- You're actually not hearing me. I don't think this is for me. Thanks anyway. And, uh, for the future? You came on a little strong.
(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit.
And action!
All right, Brian, you can do this. You can dump her. Because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence? Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh, damn it. Now I'm doing it, too.
It can't happen! I was here first! Well, Technically, 3rd,
(CONTINUES CRYING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
Well, Hey there, little boy. Are you loST? Now, listen to me, Jolene. I've got an army to raise, and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles. Henry, I have a lost little boy. Well, Hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with mE? No, Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you?
I just wish one person was able to find me attractive.
Yes. We would love to. Brian, don't wreck this for me. Oh, my God! I have the perfect hat for this! Listen, Lauren, I'm not super comfortable being on camera. Oh, relax. After a little while, you'll forget they're even there.
Come clean, man. YEah. Yeah, it's me. It's Dennis. Dennis, you jealous douche, how about I crank a little Detroit Rock City and play Come Sail Away and we can see how they stack up side by side? Huh? You want that, you high-voiced bastard? We'll be right back, after this.
(ALL SHOUT) (JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much! (SCREAMING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! I'm bleeding! Now it's an AIDS quilt.
Aw, I was going for a new record. Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.
You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
When the time comes, you'll know. Damn it!
but mostly I'm excited about all the good I'm gonna get to do. Wow, look at you. All that power and you've still got that body. And the first thing I'm gonna do as mayor is clean up Lake Quahog. Well, I know the people will support you, Lois, because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience. You the cow! No, you the cow!
Anus, are you still up? Yeah. Come on in, sis. Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend?
Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?
I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.
Sir, you're going to have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces. I don't know how to draw a cat. Hi, I'm Amanda. I'm Chris. You look nice, so I'll blow my burps the other way. (LAUGHS) - You're funny. Oh, thanks.
Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard... with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits... and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched... crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out ofa soda can... while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!
It's called Creeping up on the Kardashians. See that guy with the ponytail in the background? He sneaks up and scares the girls while they're starting businesses or getting their fat waxed. (ALL SCREAM) What the hell?
I was just kidding you. Why are you so serious? All right, Chrissy. Here we go. (GIRL 1 GASPS) BOY 1: Look! BOY 2: Oh, my God! BOY 3: Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico? BOY 4: I think it is! GIRL 2: Wow! That makes him popular. JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin! JOCK 2: Griff-a!
Peter, you should be happy for her. She's just having fun. I don't see what the problem is. Tom is a wonderful man. I don't see the problem, either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis. Ollie? Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think?
God, I hate PBS.
Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois.
When do I get to meet her? No, no. No way. Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous. - She's not hideous. - Oh! Well, let me ask you something. - Does she have an alibi? - For what? Why would she need an alibi? So, you're saying she does not have an alibi. Well, no. Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi.
Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio... Yes. Scott Baio, gay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see the movie. Well, terrific. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You want to join me? I can't, Cleveland, I got a date with Lois.
And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.
Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing.
The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars. What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole.
I gave the next speech after the Braveheart guy. They can take our lives, but they can never take our freedom! (ALL CHEERING) And, and, let's not forget the tax they levied on properties that are in abutment of church lands. So, yeah! Let's do it!
What the hell! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot.
No, thanks. I had some in the car.
No problem. Hey, kids! Hmm. I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here to claim the money clip.
Oh, my God, no, Derek!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
(WIND BLOWING) Stewie! What? I have to tell you about the future! What? I have to tell you about the future! On the night, I go back... Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Hang on, Michael. I have to tell you about your future.
Hey, Lois, remember our wedding? Yeah, I sure do. Remember the dance? Of course I do, Peter. Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin? I think her name was Flora. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm ready! I'm ready! What? Shut up for 10 minutes and pretend we're in the back behind the speakers.
I love my job. Yum, yum, yum...
Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace. Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream.
I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin. Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag.
Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.
and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was. - Oh, you know what it was? - What? You know what it was?
Oh, Carter, you're alive! I've missed you so. Babs, be my wife! Yes, Carter, yes!
(THROWING VOICE) Play that same song.
I did not! Forget it. What good is a car if I have no friends? I didn't wreck T.V.! My dad did! What? What'd she say? Peter Griffin ruined T.V.? And blamed his daughter? That's the lowest thing I've ever heard. Peter, take that thing off and come home.
(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody happy! Well, it sure was nice of Mayor West to drop the kidnapping charges.
But I will not have it happening in my own house. Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming. CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, thank God! What's going on in here? Relax, Mr. Furley. I thought what you thought, but it's okay. Well, it sounded like... I know. I know, but it's fine. Go back to being dead. Peter, is everything all right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
PLAYER 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying? PETER: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new. PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!
Huh.
Bully. Bully. Yes, bully. Oh, thank God we live in this time.
Go back in the house, Lois, we're being Jackass. Okay, ready? All right, we're rolling. I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys."
Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.
don't, don't, don't, don't don't you forget about me
There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention. Ok. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?
I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser. Good thing there wasn't land or else you'd have to meet the natives with that mustard stain on your shirt. What stain? Ah! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GROANS) Why did I even bring you on this trip? Because I'm the best damn land spotter in all of Europe. It's true. You are the best.
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do
(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr. Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked. That's outrageous! God, I've looked forward to this moment more than the second coming of Jesus. Okay, everybody,
If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. Hey, Brian. You could win for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.
(LOUD GROAN)
(GROANING) Where are we? I don't know. The device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe.
Well, there's one way to settle this. If there is a God, send another copy. (CHUCKLING) I guess that's our answer. Tell you what. How about I take it and then send it to you after I read it? Swear to God? (LAUGHING) Stop it. I know, I'm just messing... Well, listen, here's my address.
Oh, my God, is it 7:50?
like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.
My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots! Peter, I wanted to grow old with you! Well, you kind of did. I never got to wear it better! (GRUNTS) We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
Get a nurse. There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Look, Brian, I think it's wonderful you found a young lady willing to stoop to your level. When do I get to meet her? No, no. No way. Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous. - She's not hideous. - Oh! Well, let me ask you something.
Chicken gave me a bad coup-- ahh! ahhh!
Hey, I recognize you from the television. You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!
Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of. Well, I am gonna change. You hear me, Meg? If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?
Did you have a nice trip with Brian? Oh, Yes. Smooth sailing through calm seas. Hey, uh, Kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do For you? Oh, Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, and Greg became his slave? Yeah.
(CROWING) (CROWS)
Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that.
What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.
The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight.
Yeah. And did you remember to clean up afterwards? Uh, no. I was hoping you would... - Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay. Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it. Daddy, I never thought you'd be so lost without your money. (SIGHING) You're right, Lois. Who the hell am I kidding? I can't live like this.
(MUSIC FROM AIRPLANE! PLAYING)
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Peter, what the hell is all this? Well, I'm a bachelor, so I invited a bunch of people over, and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do.
I know. I love coming here because you can just sit here and people-watch, you know? Oh, oh, look at this. Look at this guy. Look at this. What is that? What is he doing? Just standing there, smelling his hand? "What is that? (GIGGLING) "What is that on my hand? Is that barbecue sauce? (LAUGHING) "When was I near barbecue sauce?"
My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead.
Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite dish! Oh? And who diD? I was just a 15-year-old girl. But at that moment, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make new friends. But only one chance to get a new car. And I had to take it. Ok, I did iT.
(CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie.
Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean. Could have been Japanese, but I think Korean. Okay, Korean. Now how about identifying characteristics? Any marks, piercings? He may have had a tattoo. He may have had a tattoo? Did have a tattoo? Which one was it? I don't know. It all happened so fast.
We're gonna be a Nielsen family? That's awesome. (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS) I think, uh... I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go.
Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?
They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him $10 to say it.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous.
World War V.
oh, Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? Mm-hmm. You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
Just like Inspector Gadget forgot about that one-night stand. Suzanne, we have to talk. Okay. Someone has made contact with me. Someone from my past, and, well, long story short, go, go, Guatemalan son.
There you go. Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal. Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right!
We're hurting our own hometown.
You know, I'm only telling you this now, but I didn't even know we had a dog then. Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing where it went over his nose. Come on, you're worrying about nothing.
Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay? Guilty
Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.
Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.
And we're all at least in our late 50s Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll To play a rich, black woman in the '80s Come on, Bri. Right? You don't know this?
You get away from my daughter, you pervert.
Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.
How are we gonna find gauze and bandages in the middle of all this crap? I think he keeps them next to the 1,000-piece puzzle of a lobster trap. I don't see it. You mean, next to the Kadima paddles, or next to the basic black sweatshirt with no writing on it? No, I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail.
Yeah, he'll be back next week. Great. Boy, who would have thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." (SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that?
Hey! hey! Hey!
All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room.
(SNORING)
I don't feel so well. Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin. Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over!
Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor. Hey, Dale, I noticed your lawn's getting a little high. Yeah. I used to have a guy for that. Dick. Okay, now, you have a good one.
All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting. Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.
It makes perfect sense, Lois.
Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.
I know, she's growing every day. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman. Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam! Unless I'm confusing you with someone else. Nope. That was... That was you. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. But I just miss the bonding.
West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four.
Kevin, go back outside. Everybody pretend this didn't happen. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Is it "son died" tomato? Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. Welcome home, soldier. (CHUCKLES) Son died tomato.
Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here. I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.
(SOBBING) - (TAPPING ON WINDOW) - (GASPS) Luke! What are you doing here? I escaped, Meg.
I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? Hispanic from Spain? No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die?
Mmm. "Jingle keys." (CROWD SHOUTING) My God! I'm a tomato!
Yes? May I help you? Hey, put him down! Who are you? I can't stop him! Can anyone stop him? No? Well, he's gone. Hey, Stewie. How's it going?
Hit it! Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta If someone takes a spill it's me and not you Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather... You have crappy judgment anyway.
Do you ever stare up at the night sky and wonder if someone might be looking back at you? No. But just in case look at this, you freaking aliens! Oh, Ah, Hi, Bonnie. This is my friend Big Fat Paulie. And, uh, This is his big fat ass.
They are certainly not savages. That's funny, Mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage. Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes.
Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know.
Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.
What exactly are you looking for? According to my schematics, it should be right in here. Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that.
You can't stop us, Mayor West! PETER: We are all-powerful!
What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God.
Oh, uh, huh, Hey, Cleveland. I was just leaving you a message. You violated the sanctity of my marriage.
Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah! Oh, That's not even really news.
And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. Nope. Now, now. The doctor says I'm gonna make a full recovery. The important thing is, you learned your lesson. I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. " feel like such a bastard. Me, too. For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better. Thank you.
You ruined my adolescence, Lois. You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.
Thank you, I have longed for your attention since the moment I arrived. Now, put this on over your shoulders. Good. Now, I'm gonna need you to squats down like your underwears is done for, but you might still save the jeans. Now, you's gonna wanna latch the front to the back like so.
I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea. (RUMBLING) Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work. - See that newspaper? - Yeah. Stuff it in the waste tube.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.
Ah, He was so different from everyone else.
Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Ah, Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR. Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat!
What the hell! Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? (BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today. One of these days, Alice, one of these days...
She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?
(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off! Okay, Jew. Joe. Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.
Melanie! Melanie! Over here. You look beautiful. Can't hold on much longer. (ALL GASP) I should have stayed in bed.
And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton. Get them motherfuckers on the line. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! (BOTH SCREAMING) My face! (SCREAMING)
Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind 'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.
Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be... Um... You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him.
No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation? Well, I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular. He sure did. Who needs drugs when you can go to the dance with the coolest guy in School? Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain!
My God! They're everywhere!
Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Stewie. Listen, have you seen my play? You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.
Earth angel, earth angel Please be mine My darling dear I'll love you for all time I'm just a fool
No. It's not the same thing. Joe puts himself in real danger every day. You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero. Unless I put myself in real danger, too! For my family's sake! Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?
(CAR HORN HONKING) Hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. You should totally flip him off. Hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! (HONKS HORN) Hang on, Quagmire, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass. Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. Yeah, me, too. Good luck in yours. Good luck in yours.
Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.
and in Spanish, it's called The No-Sex Man Comes to Town. And here's Airplane! and in Spanish, it's called Incredible Flying Joke Bus.
What are you, a wise guy? 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. No further questions. You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.
Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?
MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talking or you get busy dying. The work is really quite easy. Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair sipping some tea and reading from a script.
Ah! Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies. Wow! Does it really smell like cook-- Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!
(YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot!
My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol?
Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag.
Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves.
Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da!
That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin.
Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble. Is there any more to this message? Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.
(RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations. Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping?
You guys were great. My name's Jimmy Iovine. And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars. Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. undefinedWhat're you doing in prison? " stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent. Well, where do we sign? Right here, on Tony's butt cheek. And initial here...
Oh, my God. Hey. Enough. Stop. Here come the parents. (PARENTS SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) That's an adult ear. My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.
Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal! Holy crap! Chris, that was amazing. I mean, i--I just froze up. But you handled that bear like a real man. I'm proud of you, son. You are? 'cause I heard what you said about my huge, you know. Oh.
(PETER EXCLAIMS) Anyone who wants a piece of O.J. has to get by me. No, Peter. This is my fight. And I'll be the one to fight it. Look at you all. Look what you're doing. Why, you're no better than what you made me out to be. Sure, I made some mistakes in my life. I forget to take the trash out some days,
Over? What are you talking about? If I couldn't catch a 2-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race? Hey, hey! What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did--Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No!
Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! What? Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing. Quick, I need to borrow your car! I've got a bar mitzvah to stop! Heh. No problem. Let me grab my keys.
Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing.
(SIGHS) You know, Mom and Dad, I'm really glad that you kept me from doing what I was going to do. Well, that's what parents are for, Meg. No matter what age you are.
Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.
Hi. Cookie? No, No, actually it's Stewie, but-- Well, you-- you can call me Cookie if you like. Yes, I've also been known to answer to Artimus, Agent Buchwald, and Snake. Yes, Yes, i--I rather like Snake. Snake Griffin.
I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin. Well, I don't know if I can compete with the rest of these people, but here goes.
Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.
If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame mE! Lie to her. It's ok to lie to women. They're not people like us. I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. Oh, This is perfect! Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right?
At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean thanks to the efforts of newly-elected Mayor Lois Griffin. We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story. Thanks, Tom. Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog,
Hey, listen, we're at the movies and they're showing the trivia cards and there's a question up there that's just stumping us. It's, "What color is this?" QUAGMIRE: Well, what color is it? That's what I'm asking you. QUAGMIRE: I don't understand, Peter. You're there.
Oh, my! You were a very important man. You were Griffin Peterson, the founder of the city of Quahog. Now, wait a second, Cool Runnings. We learned in school that Miles "Chatterbox" Musket founded Quahog after he was saved by the magic clam. No, that is a myth.
PETER: No! You said I could have two friends over. And I didn't. Joe couldn't come. So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend. You come out here right now! PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games!
Wow, so this is it. Harvard University. The alma mater of Fred Grandy, Amy Brenneman and Ted Kaczynski. Are we sure this is the way to the dining hall? Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet getting tired?
There is one thing, though, and I'm sorry about this, but your room's not ready till 4:00. So feel free to use our business center, or enjoy the pool. (KIDS LAUGHING) Stop it. Knock it off. Cut it out. Stop it!
Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...
Oh, my God! Brian, are you ok? I told you we should've left cookies for Santa. aHh! My couch! My T.V.! What the hell did you do?
Meg, could you come here, please? What is it? Could you see if I'm getting a bed sore on my back? Sure. It looks fine to me, ma'am. Thank you, dear. I must have just slept on it wrong. (CHUCKLING) I stole Meg's cutaway.
This is gonna be my greatest victory ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin.
Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie? STEWIE: Ah, I smell you've had coffee and nothing to eat. (SNIFFING) Oh, someone needs a diaper change.
Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom. No! No! I'm not going back in there! Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up. No! No! It was literally only on the floor, all right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall. The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it.
hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!
(SINGING GIBBERISH)
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush. - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad.
Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there. You're disgusting. And you're misleading.
Whoa! Whoa! Easy there, fella.
All right, you're all done, Alexis. Well, What do you know? Once again, I finish first. Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car."
How about if you blow up the earTH? Too huge. But you're thinking. I like that.
We need to figure out how we're gonna survive. I mean, is there even any food in here? Right, good thinking. Meg, go get us some sandwiches. Wait a minute, that's a great idea. If Meg can get through the vent, she can sneak out and go get help. Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody, spit on Meg. Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay!
(GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.
Meg, what's wrong?
What? (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) Please look at me! What the hell's wrong with you, Peter? Nothing. What the hell's wrong with you, Swanny? I'm Quags. (CRYING) I don't know who any of you are anymore!
This house gives me the creeps. Yeah. Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. We can't let those guys win. What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts. We'll scare the other guys out of the house. Then we can say that we spent the night. Everyone will think we're the bravest kids in the world.
Lois, you have a gray hair. What? Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter.
Mr. Doctor? If you get shot in a rap feud... can you perform surgery on yourself? Well, no, Chris. My degree's in optometry. All right, Dr. Ditty.
Ok. Now we're gonna play "7 Minutes in Heaven." And it's my party, so I want Doug to go in the closet with Meg. Ok. Here we go. Have fun.
WQHG. Cool weekends. In the morning.
No, she charges me. She charges you? Well, that's weird. Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear? I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian. Well, I just think you're being sold a bill of goods. Brian, I don't care what you think. And for your information, there are gonna be some changes around here.
I dared him. All right, here we go. I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM)
You're not going to kill yourself for that fat bastard! Look, I've made up my mind, all right? Now untie me. No, I will not! How dare you make plans to abandon me! Come on, you, you can live without a dog, Stewie, but you can't live without a father. And besides, how exactly do you think we're supposed to live here on the playground? We'll do fine, Brian! Everything is right here where we need it!
Oh, Gay!
So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!
Yeah. Okay.
Doubt that! I mean, I've got a very comfortable life. I live with a great family. All my needs are met. Ok, look.
This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.
(UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants He's tryin' to remember but he really can't
Bless you, my son. Hi, I'm Father McNamara. Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor? Well, now you can. With Jeez-Its. Flesh of his flesh. With the amazing flavor of real Wisconsin cheddar.
Ah! Dad! Help! Help! Dad! Ugh! You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives. And After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis.
"oh, Hello. Didn't notice you there. "You know, It's not easy living with my family. "bunch of characters they are. Like my father-- "'Holy crap, Lois! Check out the freakin' log in the toilet!'" Get off the stage!
Brian, going back in time ruined my life. We've got to get Death to send us back to 1984 again, so I can undo what I did. Or we could just make the best of this. Al Gore is President. We could kind of just take that one and call it a win. I mean, with Bush, we didn't have flying cars that run on vegetable oil.
Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute? Sure. And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?
Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass! Lois, I'm sorry. I just... I let my jealousy get the best of me. Jerome's such a cool guy. And I guess I was worried he was cool enough to steal you away from me. You should know better than that, Peter. Now, I think you have an apology to make.
Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it. I've missed too many other opportunities. There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot!
HERBERT: Oh, that is bullshit!
Put it out! Put it out! Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do
Looks like little Johnny should've wished for some blocking.
My principal wants to meet with you guys. Should we go? It sounds like a trap. Yes, Peter, we should go. All right, but if it's a trap, and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time. Any more bright ideas, Professor? (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf.
(ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. I don't know that.
I wanted to bring an owl on this trip, but Lois wouldn't let me. Could you have accommodated an owl? Well, I suppose there's some room in the owlery, but I can't be certain. I'll take that as a yes.
I know you all hate eggplant, but...
No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you? I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!
Oh, Jeez, look at the time! Come on. Come on, kids. Let's get going. Aw, Sorry, Meg. I guess It's another bunch of people that'd rather fake death than go to a party with you. Children, the time of ascension has arrived. Oh, For the love of God.
I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right. A professional? There's treachery afoot! Meg, you're home late. I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.
Attention, everyone, mail call!
Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here we go. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh! Are you okay? Is it over? I think. I don't know where the pin went. Wait, move your hand. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit!
Oh, there you are. Hurry up now, Bonnie. We're gonna miss our plane. Lois, I've thought a lot about this, and I'm not going with you. What? What do you mean? I'm staying here with Francois. I see. You know, I thought you might say something like this, and that's why I called someone who might be able to change your mind.
You're absolutely right. Lois, you're getting your tubes tied. Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy. First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way.
Fuck off.
Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!
And then when I hear that car coming up the driveway, I just go berserk. I mean, you know, half the time, when you go to the market, I just assume you're leaving forever, and when you get back, I realize I have no idea how long you've been gone, and I... Well, you know what, I'm... I'm rambling. I... Would you like some more champagne? I'd love some.
And then think about this, have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? undefinedThey're the same person. " know, right? You're brilliant.
Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manlike.... Holy crap, it's Chris. So, how're you doing?
Peter, take that thing off and come home.
All right. Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, 'cause you sex me up. Now, give me some sugar. Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat? We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box. Hop in.
I think the plagues went away. So did the white light. Oh, honey! Thank God! I mean, thank me! Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!
You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
Armando, do you have the rent? We are trying, Senor Griffin. But the land, she gives us nothing. There is no sunlight. It's been two months, Armando. You're putting me in a real awkward position here. Oh, please, Senor Griffin. Just one more week. I will pay you double.
I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. What girl? The lead in Titanic, the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. - Sweetheart, that was a guy. - What? That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. What? No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
You know, I think I've finally done it. I think I've gotten over the loss of my home planet, Alderaan. I've finally moved on.
(SINGING) Oh, crap.
Holy crap, that's the tattoo!
Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you. How come you never told us you dropped out of college? I saw an after-school special about that. It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol.
You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one? That's Meg, dude. You know that. Meg! You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand me? Dirty, Dirty girl.
Oh, ha, ha! I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams. Oh, man, Robin Williams is my favorite. He must be getting recognized for all his contributions to show business. I don't think that's what a roast is. Robin, as a comic, it's an honor to be up here roasting you. As a moviegoer, I want to punch you in the face. (TV SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, that's funny. Advocate violence.
I thought we lived in suce a nice small town. There's no such thing anymore, Lois. Things are A Lot different than when we were kids. Well, It just makes me sad. Hey, It makes me sad, too. But, uh, you know. I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all.
PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just...
I can't believe this. She keeps getting up. I'm so exhausted. (CROWD GASPING) (BELL DINGS) And the winner, by technical knockout, weighing in at 67 pounds, Carol "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" Channing. Yeah. Up yours, young people.
I can't believe I just showed everyone my tater tots. Worst of all, now I'm gonna have a police record.
Look at that, huh? Look at that shit. Ew! Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian. I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction. But, Dad... Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final.
Why? Why? Why? Saunders, tell him why! Because it's Rule 142-B! Because it's Rule 142-B! Good job, Scout. Now drop and give me 20! Thank you, sir! Ladies, this Saturday at 0-800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your obedience.
Wait, Peter! Don't go! So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy? We going to Hollywood? You betcha.
Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. (PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.
There, now that I've got your attention, you're all fired.
Wait a minute. I don't think we're through. Oh, my God! Is it twins? No. It's a--a map of Europe. i just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner at Cheesie Charlie's. Why Cheesie Charlie's? It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters!
Luke.
(LAUGHING)
Open your mouth, baby, here it comes. But there is a silver lining for local Quahogians, as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog Mall this weekend to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps kids clothing store. Oh, that's perfect. Brian, we have to go down there this weekend and heckle her roundly.
That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris? You know, this place may be the upside to everything that's happened. The people are kind and generous. They seem wholesome and moral, exactly the kind of influence this family needs. Lois, we're living in a red state with a bunch of right-wing nut jobs. Hey, Chris, check out my belt buckle.
My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be a phony! A big, fat phony!
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Oh, Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.
Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois. You're not telling anybody, friend. No, no, you're gonna be my on-set guardian. You're out of your mind. Brian, we both know I touched it. Now if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers. See? We're having a nice time.
How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! Come on, Stewie. We're out of here.
Aw, they got tuckered out.
Where? here? No. Other side. - O-Over here? - The left side. R-Right here? Your other left side. - Oh. - Up a little. - Do I have it? - Up a little. - Is it gone? - Now go down. Ahh! Is it gone? get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Peter, hold still! hold still! Wait, Don't touch that bird! What's it to you, pal?
Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues The movie never ends
Das poop!
(GROWLING) Crap! (YELLS) A swamp monster! Quick, Peter, sign this legal document giving the company back to Daddy, so you won't get eaten! I don't understand, but nothing makes sense in these swamp monster times. (YELLS)
I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there? (BOTH GRUNTING)
Well, look, we'd be happy to help in any way we can. Hey, is Ron Howard's weird-looking brother one of these lab technicians? Of course he is. It's an '80s movie. Hey, there's something on the screen. And those two bums turned to me and said, "You're not funny, Peter." In my own house! Well, what was the bit?
You know what's amazing, Lois? A week from tomorrow, it'll be 20 years we've been married. I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic! Hello. I was there, see? (SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy.
What the hell! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot. Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this.
You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.
I'm never, like, really present. You gotta help me work on that. Oh, definitely. Definitely, man. Live with purpose, you know? Celebrate every day. He talks about all those things that dogs do. Like, we do that. Dogs do that. It's instinctual. In us, you know? It's like, I can't not do it. That's kind of what his whole thing is.
We'll just call him "Bill" for now. Escaped? I didn't escape. Just this morning, a very nice gentleman opened my cell door and said I was free to go. Yeah, nice try. That's not how it works. Uncle Patrick, why do you strangle fat people? It's probably a weird fetish thing. Some criminals have 'em. Like those anal-retentive bandits who robbed Quahog Bank last year.
I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse! Oh, My God! You're a horse? Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom.
You guys... (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God. Chris? Meg? (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob!
(PETER SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office?
(LAUGHS) Movie references. Guys, I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck! Hurry! Oh! Thank God! Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia.
Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!
What did you get for number four?
Over there is our statue of Angela Lansbury. Protect us, oh, Lansbury, from rude teenagers, from soup that is both too hot and too cold,
Why don't you burn in hell? Well, No dessert for you, young man. Who would've thought getting drunk at A stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote. Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings?
Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm... Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? To the can, because kissing you made me barf. What? Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque!
Wait a minute, that's a great idea. If Meg can get through the vent, she can sneak out and go get help. Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck.
Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC They're as stuffy as the stuffiest Of special-interest groups Make a joke about your bowels And they order in the troops Any baby with a brain
But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? Surprise! My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all!
So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?
Last chance, Brian.
What are you gonna do about it, new kid? Peter, this doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't make sense, Brian? Some new kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate. Peter, you don't know karate. And stay away from Muffy. She's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father, 'cause we're more alike than we know.
Spoiler alert.
Bestiality is a sin.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I knew that would get you. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! (PETER SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES)
who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my piss, Jew writers.
Ah, What the deuce? Ahh! FleaS! ahh! Damn you, Mop 'n Glo. Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots!
Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.
Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here?
What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter?
Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.
Hey, buddy, I need to borrow this.
(SNORING)
Say, Brian, on her answering machine, how long after her message is the beep? Wow. This has just been a delight. You can't go yet. We haven't had dessert. Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago?
Okay, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11.
Yuck.
(EXCLAIMING) Help! Somebody get this baby off me! Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies!
And how! Ouagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million. Good thing we swore off women to not be distracted... ...and unable to accumulate this vast wealth. Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Butter's in the fridge!
I shared mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community. What? That's not true. I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter. Peter, I think you should go. Yeah, I'm going.
Well, I guess we're never gonna find the source of that joke. I guess there's nothing to do now but head back home. Stop right where you are! (ALL GASP) Down on the ground! PETER: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over.
Don't move! Hold it!
- Hello. - That's not funny!
The same way he did, Peter. Identity theft works both ways. The first thing we're gonna do is get you a perfect fake ID. I know a guy who does good work. You took a big risk coming here, man. James Woods could be back any minute. I know. How fast can you do it? As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, God. Ahh! Ah--
Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God!
STEWIE: "Queer." Queer.
Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame. It's not lame, Meg. Look, those people over there are having a good time. She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes
Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.
Well, it's getting late, Jerome. I'm sure you've got stuff to do. Yeah. I got to go down to the gas station and buy a framed painting of a tiger. Catch you all later.
Wow! I guess my life does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family. Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?
Look, listen, Sarah, I can't be in your club. I'm not a lesbian. You can't be serious. We had a whole party planned for you. Really? A party, for me? - But I guess if you're not a lesbian... - Wait, wait. You didn't let me finish. I'm not a lesbian. I'm a super, huge mega-lesbian.
I will be, babe. Oh, hey, Meg. What have you been up to?
Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy.
Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland. I love you.
Come here. (COWS MOOING) Peter, what are you doing? Well, Lois, a big part of owning a farm is crossing a road very slowly with cows. Okay, okay, Bessie, now. Get yourself out there. Easy does it. (BRAKES SQUEALING) (HORN HONKING) Hey, come on, man! I got to get to work!
You know how to use one of these? You know how to use one of these?
Gentlemen, that was a fart. What's going on out here? I'll tell you what's going on. This government's FCC is trying to take all the farts away from television! And all the sex, and all the nudity, and all the poop.
I--i'm sorry, Could you repeat your name? Yes, It's Peter Griffin. G-R-I-F-F-I-N. Wait a minute. You're the sheriff? H-Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. Who's that? My wife. Peter, Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse! Yeah, well, see I-- I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil-War reenactment.
Well, Then it worked out For everybody! I'm gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch! Go ahead, They always come out square! Oh, Hi, Chris. Hey. Um, Listen, Sam. I like hanging out with you and all. It's just that I don't want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could still be friends. I'd like that, too.
But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone! No wonder Santa lost his mind. This is ridiculous! We can't do this! Nobody can. It's inhuman! All right, come on, let's get out of here! Damn, what about the reindeer? The hell with the reindeer!
Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
(VOCALIZING) (EERILY) Peeper...
So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.
Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that-- Operation!
instigated... Line! I-Instigated our hatred like a Buick. How could--What was I thinking when I agreed to this? T-This is so degrading. It's--This is worse than the time I was at the Friars Club and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants.
She is so jealous. Of course, I'm beautiful. I mean, look at me. Aah. How strange... Should watch road but can't look away.
I was kind of right.
My anklE!
I could just bite him and eat him up. I know, he's perfect. He's like a boy and a girl. I know! Now let's get back to screaming at this child in a way that reminds all men why we can never be President. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)
That son of a bitch! Thinks he can sleep with my wife. Not on my watch! ALEX KEATON ON TV: Listen, I don't care that you're dating Mallory. Nobody in this family likes you, Nick. You just stand your ground, garbage-sculpture man. They'll come to respect you. You bastard!
Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going? Listen, these new legs have given me my life back. I want to do all the things I could never do when I was handicapped. And you guys are my best friends. I want you to experience it all with me. You can count on us, Joe.
When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood. That's how it works! He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!
Here, girl. Ah! Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled cookies.
He must know somethin' Oh, my God! Mom, look. They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall. Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine.
I don't know. Looks like it might give me the kind of farts I get from eating Mexican food. (FARTS) (YELLING IN SPANISH)
Quick, in here.
Oh, crap.
Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me.
I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. What? It's Stan. Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say.
God, I hate having to come up with something on the spot. Um... "Have a mice day. Best fishes. Peter." (SIGHS) Thanks. That's great. Well, I gotta get going. I'm heading off to Vermont to get James' birthday present. There's this neat little store called Cattitudes that makes all this neat cat stuff. See you guys later.
What the... Oh, man. We're supposed to do a show tonight. Where's the audience? I don't see them anywhere. If only they could make some noise to let me know they're here. MAN 1: We're here. Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass!
Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get lost in the grocery store last week? (CRYING LOUDLY) - Are you okay? - No!
What are you watching, Peter? Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.
Jeffrey! I found that missing baby and boy! JEFFREY: I don't care.
Peter, I don't think... Brian, your objections are duly noted. Now, hit the gas. (TIRES SQUEALING) You know that would never work again in a million years. Don't need it to, Brian.
(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face. Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good.
I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed. Screw off. I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws. Just take a look, will you? (SIGHING) You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely. I mean, look at this. Aladdin 4: Jafar May Need Glasses. Number one, number two.
Oh, dear! Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!
Oh, my God! Is she dead? No, I think she's still alive-- No, that did it.
Feel good about that? Feel good about what you just said? You gonna go, Brian, or should I get the can of pennies? (COINS CLINKING) (BRIAN EXCLAIMING)
No. I've lost my respect for you.
(ALL SCREAM) What the hell?
You guys, I just can't take this anymore. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think we all just need to confess. What? Now just hold on, Quagmire. If you start yapping to the cops, we're gonna rot in prison for the next 30 years. JOE: Evening, gentlemen. (ALL GASP) Joe! Glad I found you here.
What the hell are you talking about? We're about to... (CRASHING)
I'm--I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean i--I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. Really? You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.
Dad, I need you to... Dad, what are you doing? Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look. I am so freaking good at coloring. I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself. Dad?
Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet? I've been trying to get a hold of her. She went to Quagmire's for dinner. What? That was a delicious dinner, Glenn. I didn't know you could cook. Well, when a fella's been alone as long as I have, he learns to take care of himself. Well, you're a very sweet friend,
All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!
Drago! You know the exam's in three hours? Ah, crap! All we've done is work out. - We should study. - Right.
I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that.
did you actually sit in the water or was that... Well, that's pretty much all there is to tell, kids. The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you.
Hey, how you doing, Brian? Lousy. I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. Brian and Jinx are friends. Get that out of here. Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV?
Well, how... Uh, well, how much are our tickets? Well, for this, this is a first--first-class cabin. It's, uh, 25 bucks. Wow! And we're the robbers. Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach? Uh, $12 for coach. Well, he's a senior... You know what? That-- That's fine. Just give me 2 coach tickets. All right, thank you.
Oh. Kelsey Grammer, what are you still doing here? I have nothing left for you. I'm sorry. Ah! Then I shall take my ease on the Lanai.
(ROARING)
Yeah. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music? Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music.
I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else.
Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back. Maybe we should all leave. No! No! Everyone stays.
I lost the perp!
It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...
What sort of black magic is this? Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this. Really? Did he like it? He wants to option it and make a movie! Really? No, he didn't really respond to it. Oh. Listen, I need your help. Run inside and get me a pair of scissors. - No. - Why not? Because you made me watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup."
Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No. Welcome to Space Camp, everyone.
Lois makes me take the rap 'cause our checkbook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew
you're gonna have to earn it. Hmm. "Earn it." Why have you forsaken mE? Uh, mis--mis-- Mr. Weed? Um, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And If you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday.
Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and... Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo! oh, Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?
Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive?
I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.
Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them.
especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall. What do you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey... Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas. What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next. Peter, have you been drinking? Well, a little. It is a party.
in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco! Good God! Look at the fat man's underwear.
Forever. (TIRES SCREECHING)
What the deuce?
Ow! Bitch!
(BOTH MOANING) You know, I can just wash it off when I get home. Why? What's in there? CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.
Do you guys mind if I struggle to open these blinds?
Here, kitty, kitty, KItty, Kitty.
WOMAN: (FOREIGN ACCENT) The current bid is $200,000. Oh, my God. WOMAN: Going once, twice... Sold for $200,000. Remember, there is cash back when you use your Visa Gold.
Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.
(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Quagmire. Hey, you're not gonna believe this. I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien. (GUN FIRING) (ALL SCREAM) (WHIMPERING)
They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! Oh, My God! Look out, Brian! Ugh.
Once you give this child up to the adoption agency, you can no longer abort it. Hello, sir. Do you wish to put this child up for adoption? Yeah, it's not working out. I need to get her out of my hair. Well, we can help you there. Is it a boy or a girl? It's a girl. Her name's Anna Lee. Oh, beautiful name. Let me take her from you.
Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! All in a day's work.
Meg, watch Stewie.
MAN ON TV: We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders. (SOBBING) I don't know how it got like this! Dad, Mom, there's something I want to ask you.
Neil Armstrong? Wait, Was he the trumpet guy? So, let's go see the U.S.A. They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee But you can forgive the world and its flaws
Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth,
Peter, may I use your restroom? I took a laxative and a stool hardener, and they're fighting it out in there. Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort. Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one. I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go. She said she'll be out in a minute!
Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT? Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare.
Goose! Oh, dear. It seems you're still It. Stewie, what have you done?
WOMAN: I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. MAN: I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. MAN 2: We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?
Come on, get up! Knock off your napping It's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen There's a chair that freakin' talks! Hey look! There's some fish that give advice Holy crap! It's screwy In Peter's Playhouse
STEWIE: Well, someone's got to lead this marching band. Ew!
Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta, then Loretta's having an affair. Oh, We can't tell anyone about this. That is the last thing in the world we want to do. What a day! We've done everything in the world. So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair.
STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want? Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of scratch-off lottery tickets? Sure, Brian. Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers! Well, all right, maybe just one. Cherry. Another cherry. Oh, come on, one more, one more!
Well, I...
Now, I know this person looks a little mixed-up, but watch carefully. If I move this down here, and this over here. And this part here. Anyone tell who it is yet? No? Okay, well, what if I move this here, and this here. And it's Dianne Wiest.
Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you.
What the hell? Dick.
My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me!
They still got that new leg smell.
My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist. My name is Amanda. And my water just broke.
Look, there's a note.
I want you to know I love you! I'm trying to get excited about it.
STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) Are you sure Stewie can find his way out?
It was more boring than when I was a security guard for George Harrison.
Oh, Peter, that was so passionate. Why, I didn't know I meant that much to you. Are you kidding? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you. I came back thinking I was missing something in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me.
In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead. What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires! Face it.
What's wrong? Look. Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign a citywide ban on gay marriag