As far as I'm concerned, his name is Dig Them.
You're not welcome here, Dig Them.
I stand behind my decision.
This press conference is over.
I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no,
no, No! Please, God, kill me now.
No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
Peter! Yeah, listen, Bob, this is-- this is kind of my time.
Ah, a miniature boat. And if I'm not mistaken,
it's a replica of the Gretel II,
which lost the America's Cup to Intrepid in 1973.
Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now.
Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub,
what will you miss most? Anyway, I need you to drive me to Middleborough.
Middleborough? That's, like, two hours from here.
I'm not doing that. Come on, Brian.
Tell you what, you drive me to Middleborough,
and I'll teach you my secret to picking up chicks.
Hey. You, me, ba-boom, huh?
Thanks for filling in for Peter, Lois. Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Hi there!
Always nice to meet a fan of my movies.
Oh, My God, you're Ethan Hawke!
Uh, No, I'm not.
Sorry, my mistake.
Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke!
Mom, can we go get some food?
Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle!
I'm not a boy.
Yes, you are. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
Jesus Christ has returned to Earth! Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that.
I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?
Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen.
This is my favorite song of all time!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this?
Brian, she's a teenager.
Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.
But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
That would be most good, Newland, most good.
I am sorry, but she is just awful.
I-Is there any way...
I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene, or somethin'?
(Director) Uh, Yeah. Really?
Yeah. All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin,
you want to say hi to anybody?
Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian,
Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland,
Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce,
Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,
Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!
Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Look at the bells, look at the bells Holy crap, here come Jesus And he doesn't look too happy Merry Christmas, everyone. MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob.
JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen.
Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob.
Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa.
Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
Goodnight, John-Boy.
Goodnight, John-Boy.
(FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? What?
Something very special, Lois.
What is it, Dad?
What, you haven't heard?
Fuck!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Wow, I guess you are James Woods.
So, now, let me understand this, what are you here to promote, James?
Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month.
It's all about 9/11.
The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun.
(ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.
Yeah, you know, so did I. Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
Well, I guess everything's back to normal Oh, man, not this guy again.
Oh, man, not this guy again (FARTS) Fart! I don't know, let's ask the Goonies.
Take the left one.
Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here.
Hey, uh, Before you go, do the truffle shuffle.
Oh, come on!
Do the truffle shuffle.
Childhood obesity. MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob.
JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen.
Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob.
Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa.
Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
Goodnight, John-Boy.
Goodnight, John-Boy.
(FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy?
JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house? So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security?
Do you think we should support what the President is doing?
Well, I just think, for starters,
that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us.
And truthishly, we should just accept that.
Okay, good night, everyone.
Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, Do you or do you not know about the bird?
Oh! God!
'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.
A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Look, just go to sleep, all right? According to Gallup polls,
one in 12 Americans is unaware that the bird is the word.
I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word.
A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible?
Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this?
Brian, she's a teenager.
Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.
But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke!
I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.
Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.
Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. This is my favorite song of all time!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird?
Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning. This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences,
but after years of drinking,
he can only speak in short, choppy utterances.
Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were,
he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed.
- Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
- Cher!
He doesn't even like Cher. (ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Excuse me? Brian, let's just go.
No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on.
You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12.
But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, don't you know about the bird
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word What?
Something very special, Lois.
What is it, Dad?
What, you haven't heard?
Fuck!
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot.
(ALL CLAMORING) Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.
Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance.
It really means a lot to her. Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity.
Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh?
- Hey, figure it out for yourself, man.
- We're freezing our asses off over here.
Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know?
You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh?
What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Well, why don't you?
Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point,
but I've given up writing.
Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before.
You don't care about this, so what does it matter?
Well, you do have a point.
All right. Maybe I will.
Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it?
I don't know, Stewie. I kind of like to write in solitude.
No, no, I promise I'll be as quiet as a guy in a coma. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,
Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning. (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it!
All right, take it easy. "Uh, uh, uh. Not that product."
MALE ANNOUNCER: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than 100 grams of sodium?
Uh, uh, uh.
Keep going. Not that one.
Uh, uh, uh.
Not that one either.
Uh, uh, uh.
Nope, not that one.
Look, this isn't even for me. It's for my homosexual lover. PETER: (SOFTLY) B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning. Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (STEWIE MUMBLING) Lois, are you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key.
Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk,
weren't we, Lois?
We've been getting better acquainted.
All right, well, just give me the key, please.
All right, Peter, I'll get it.
Don't put a gun in my back. Look, Mr. Tucker, I-- We're through here.
Get out of my house, Benji!
Well Fine! If you're gonna be that way about it, maybe I'll do this.
Yeah, look at this. Stop that!
Yeah, you don't like this, huh? Stop it!
This is what Benji would do. Stop doing that in my carpet!
Hey, Knock it off! Stop it! Oh, boy, that feels so good.
Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison!
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid?
Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid.
Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some?
All right, fine. Tilt your head back, Why not? I'm Bill Cosby.
Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that.
Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him?
(IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface.
It's racist.
Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you. Name 20.
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,
Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Of course he was. He was the star.
No, you're wrong. Look it up.
I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge.
- He was on the cover of...
- No, no, no.
- ...People magazine when the movie...
- No, no.
- Everyone knows...
- No, no.
- ...Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose.
- No, no, no!
- It was a huge movie. He was the lead.
- No, no, no, no!
No, no, no...
(BRAYING) Do you or do you not know about the bird?
Oh! God!
'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.
A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.
Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.
Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!
What does that even mean?
I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this. Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke!
I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.
Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.
Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! Hi, fellas.
Hey, look, it's Snoopy.
Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock?
Ah, that's... That's a good one.
Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby,
and you guys took his candy earlier. MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.
Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, This... This is Stephanie.
Hi, everybody! Oh, my gosh! I never thought I'd meet Glenn's friends!
Yeah. I figured, why not?
You know, you, we, you and I see each other from time to time.
Oh, my God! We, like, never see each other! This guy!
You, like, disappear for a month and then you call me? Dude, we could eat that pig.
What?
Dude, come on. We could totally eat that pig.
We could... We could do it, man.
We could. It'd be so easy, man.
It would take, like, a minute.
Could it really be that fast?
Peter, that pig could be in our stomachs in, like, one minute, and then we could... You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something?
God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m.
Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want...
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man!
- Are you okay?
- No! .
I didn't see him.
(SCREAMING) A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Oh, my Lord. Look who's here.
Agent Jessup, look at all these prostitutes.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Seven. Seven prostitutes.
This is a shakedown.
Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work.
Yeah. Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird?
Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin,
you want to say hi to anybody?
Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian,
Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland,
Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce,
Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,
Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!
Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
(ALL SCREAMING) Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going,
bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam!
Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.
Bam, Bam, bam!
And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah."
Bam, bam, bam!
You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam!
You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! Now, they tell me in your next movie,
we get to see your butt.
YEs, uh, Yes, you do.
Can--Can we see it right now?
Um, welL, uh...
HA, All right, HITLER.
Oh, oh! He's going to do it!
if you're going to be in the los angeLes areA and would like tickets to Hitler,
call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen! Peter, can you reach that box of rice?
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, sorry, Lois.
(LAUGHING) Oh, that rice got you, bitch.
Hey, Stewie's laughing.
Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that?
Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice?
Ow! Oh, thank God that's over.
Yeah, no kidding.
Hey, you know, there's not too many guys in the world who would be willing to do something like that for their pal.
Ah, don't mention it.
No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you.
Thanks, Peter.
Ah, you're welcome, buddy. Yeah. How's it going?
Wow, you're the biggest star in the world right now. What are you doing here?
Oh, I like to hook up with random bar guys.
Lucky for me, huh?
No, a hobby's good.
All right, Peter, your time's up.
Oh, man, already?
Yup, come on.
(GROANING) Good to meet you, Molly. I'll be back later for your career. Sorry I'm late, Lois.
Peter, what are you doing here?
Lois, you think I'm going to miss a chance to share my knowledge with these fresh, young minds? Forget it.
I've missed too many other opportunities.
There he is. Took you long enough.
Just what we need.
Hey, guys, I'm coming in.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
Oh, God!
Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian,
Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland,
Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce,
Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,
Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!
Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that. A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, don't you know about the bird
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word 
