comb.io - Clips

Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Mr. Herbert. I want you back. Please, will you be my paper-customer again? Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, is that my phone? (HUMMING RING TONE MELODY) Oh, better go get that. Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass.

Somebody! Oh, my! What was that? Well, Hello, Mr. Water Jet.

The worst idea anyone ever had was silver bullets. Barbara Liebowitz's husband just bought her a diamond broach. You know how he afforded that? He uses regular bullets. He uses regular bullets.

Why? What's in there? CLEVELAND: Oh, yeah. (CLEVELAND AND CAROLYN MOANING) CLEVELAND: Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait. (SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

I even tried Joe. This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay. This sucks! I want to see the Grand Canyon!

That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh.

Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good. Can we get some salami and... Brian, Brian, let me handle this. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Peter, what are you doing? Speaking Italian. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

But since we're gonna die anyway... Peter, that's it!

Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine? We did it! We're home! Everything's fine! Well, not quite. What do you mean? Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff?

Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian. Well, to be honest, I lied for booze. But, Meg, you're a smart girl.

Well, I suppose that makes sense. I guess it could take Peter a long time to find a job in this economy. Well, it may not be that bad, Lois. I could see about getting back my old job as a police sketch artist. Now, did you get a look at the man who assaulted you? I did. Okay, can I get a description? Yeah, he was probably around 5'9", 5'10"? Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"?

Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie. I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I've never been to a party before. Want to watch me blow out the candles?

Lois! Ah! Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois, is the most important person in the world to me. I gave my son those magazines.

I don't care. Jury duty sounds boring. I'm gonna get myself kicked out. Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay. Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit?

Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.

Volcano insurance! Go on. According to my uncle, who's a real whiz with volcanoes, a volcano is coming this way! hmm. I, too, have an uncle. Come in.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Oh, thank heaven. The von Trapp family escaped! Reverend Mother, I have sinned. What is this sin, my child? Oh, well. No harm done.

Wow! Where do you think you go when you die? I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living, and they pray for death, but death won't come. U.P.N.?

Shoot me. Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this. I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.

One day, three ducks were crossing the road Going to get some soda But they weren't looking where they were going And a bus came along and hit them all Now they're handicapped and... No, that's pretty much it Handiquacks And they never got their soda

You want to keep your shoulders straight and your knees bent, and, uh, j-just once, f-for me, would you call me Mr. DrummonD? Hey, Griffin, down here. Yeah, it's a secret tunnel like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop.

How could this day get any worse? Oh, my God. Oh, no! I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. Peter, look out!

Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet? I fixed it already. No You didn't. It's still dripping. No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man. Oh, my God!

Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing Just take it off Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

MAN: (IN MOVIE) Coming this fall, the prequel to Philadelphia. MAN #1: Are you sure we don't need a condom? MAN #2: No, it's okay, I'm a lawyer. (YAWNS) How you girls doing on popcorn?

I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

Well, the mole looks benign, but we won't know for sure whether it's cancerous until the tests come back in a few days. A few days? I could be dead by then. Relax, Stewie. He said it looks benign. We'll just have to wait and see. Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him. Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets.

So, I guess it's up to me. You mean it's up to us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing. You're too stupid to do it alone. Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto. Oh, no. I dropped my glasses. Uh, By the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar.

Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down.

You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing. I mean, bullying makes you feel pretty cool.

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls. Yeah, but this was important!

That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!

If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox. Hey, Open up in there! Hey, What are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world!

No, that's Bellagio property. Oh. Well, this sucks. Hey, I'm gonna go try one of those slot machines by the entrance. They always set those things to pay out more so they can lure people into the casino. (GROANS) Damn it, Vegas!

You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

Hey-oh mother africa oh, That was fun. What country should we do next? Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality. You guys want to hear something really funny?

We're gonna take a bath and watch the 1984 interesting movie, Gremlins. Now, the gremlins are funny. I don't know if those things are puppets or they put costumes on dogs or something, but let's press "play" and find out, huh? You can't get them things wet, by the way, but don't worry, this don't affect that.

followed by My Nose! A ha! Hold my purse!

They're on the carpet! Got one over here!

I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.

You think he's dead? No, no. He'll be back on his feet in no time, probably follow in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps, wind up with a pod deal over at Touchstone. You all right, Stewie?

Ooh! What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I... Oh, Wait a minute. Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

You should be a producer.

I had to. My old one had a crack in it. Well, I couldn't be more angry with you. ohhh! YOu... You really let this family down. We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap!

I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. " feel like such a bastard. Me, too. For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better. Thank you. But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right. Girls! Girls! Girls!

Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family. Is that really too much to ask? (SIGHS) I guess you're right. Come on, Brian. Come upstairs.

Chris, we all love your hat. Thanks, Mom.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...most of my days... ...'maxing, relaxing all cool... ...b-ball... ...no good... ...trouble...neighborhood... ...One little fight... ...scared...

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me. Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to,

Dude, those animals are so fucking funny,

Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today. What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. (SCREAMING) Don't worry, I'll put it out.

I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.

Oh, My God! oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way ow!

Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows,

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is. But first, get ready, Quahog, because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend at the Quahog Performing Arts Center.

But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

Uh, we were here first. Well, you know, this is a free country, dude, and we are here to go to work. Free country, but this is our beat, you know? Yeah, but we are here to go to work. We've been called, and that's why we're here. You know what? I tell you. How about you just turn around and walk away? No, I don't think so. Hey, you know what... We do not walk away. I'll get you started.

We're broke, Rupert. I'm jobless, there's no food left, I'm out of diapers, and I'm down to Meg's last hat. We're doomed, you know. Let it be written on my tombstone that my life was considerably better with my family around, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. (HORN HONKS)

Hey, come here. Got something you'll want to see.

"has affected my life in the following ways. "The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature.

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine!

Mom, will you take me out to practice driving? I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you. Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7.

Wow, Stewie. That was beautiful. - Did you write that? - No. But can you tell me who did? Log on now. (MUSIC PLAYING) All right, let's tally up those responses. Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Melon... First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau.

Don't you say those things. Don't you say those things unless they're true.

MMm. Mmm. Mmm. ahh!

Mmm. Thanks for the ice cream, Glenn. And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants. Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh? Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold.

I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

Handiquacks And they never got their soda Why won't this card house stay up? Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought. (SNICKERS) That's gonna be his catchphrase.

No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie. You know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you.

You guys? Oh, my God! Well, well, I think we've found our killer. Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself.

Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.

I'd invite my friend Rudy over, and the 2 of us would give you a "double dip." Ooh. Ok, Bachelor Number 2. I'd lick off all the cream and give you my special whipped topping. HA-ha. Sounds good. Bachelor Number 3? I would try to eat you really fast before I got flaccid.

Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me. Hey, who wants a Fenway frank? Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy," like a Fenway frank. Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore. In a public restroom, lad? For the good of your soul, show some restraint.

(CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY) (PEOPLE YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) (TWINS GASPING)

Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra. My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs! No, not that, you idiot. Where is the dead body?

Whoa! This is trippy. I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe. Would you guys move? You're blocking the TV! Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed!

By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treaters? Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy.

It feels like I have a cobweb in my hair. What was that? It's just Michael Winslow from Police Academy.

Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty. Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your-- Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little--

Damn government! Tell me I can't build a pool on my own land. and After my grandfather helped create one of this country's most beloved cartoon characters.

(EXCLAIMS) Well, there's only one thing to do now. Go to plan B. Mom!

Wait a minute, Brian, that's a great idea. Chris needs a hobby. Hey, Chris, get in here. Yeah, Dad? We are gonna find you a hobby. - What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck.

(BLEATING) Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Charles! Oh, my God, I'll run and get help. No, no, we've got to carry him! We can't leave him here, there's a wolf! Um. There's not really a wolf.

What were we talkin' about?

Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat! Full housE. Dagnab! That's some poker face you've got, PETER. Years of practice, boys. Peter, you're on a roll. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. Uh, Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend.

And I still got to eat the donut. - Why isn't everybody doing this? - They are. (DOORBELL RINGS) I've got a package here for Brian Griffin. Oh, that's me. Brian, no! (GRUNTS) Stewie, what the hell is going on? (CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian.

Here, go ahead, do what you just did, but with me. Ow! Oh, my God! (BONE CRACKING) Oh, my neck! Ow!

So You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. A tickler. And You're not a stickler for a tickler. Not a stickler for a tickler. Not a tickler stickler. Not a tickler stickler. TIckler, stickler, tIckler, stickler...

You know, where I'm, like, helpless, and you guys take turns. You know? Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no! BURGLAR: What did she say? She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Ew! No, seriously. I won't scream or anything. No! No! I... I... No. No sale. Come on! I'm pretty! (SCREAMING)

- Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus.

CHORUS: There was a peaceful town called Quahog Where people lived in harmony They never had no kind of trouble There was no hint of misery

you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet! Gobbledy glue

Just for a minute, let's all do the BumP Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me

I would eat your poo.

What's this handshake business, huh? Come here. Come on. Come on, bring it in. Come on. Come on. I'm not really a hug person. Knock it off. Come here. Come on, bring it. Yeah, yeah. Hug it out, bitch. Hug it out, yeah. Spray that hug all over me. What's wrong with you? What? I just wanna share my throbbing emotions and shoot hot hug all over you.

Hey, look at me. I'm the man in the boat. All right. Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." But I'll forgive you, 'cause you sex me up. Now, give me some sugar. Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat?

Hi there. Is this the Quahog Mustache Society?

Murderer! Stop it, both of you!

You know, Brian, sometimes I don't believe I know you.

Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one. (ALL CHEERING) You know it, bitches! Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

(AUDIENCE GASPS DELIGHTEDLY) (GASPS) That's the name of this play.

Aren't you A little young to be traveling alone? Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? I think you've had about enough. Well, i--I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Y'know, you're-- You're really pretty.

Chris, what are you doing?

Uh-oh. This is not good. We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours. Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie.

What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? Come on! Then put your hands together for the one, the only, His Holiness, the Pope!

"But you've already..."

Yeah, I know, I know what you meant. Let's... Come here, come here. Stewie'll take care of you, you big drug-aroni.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snakepit. That'll give you time to think about what you did. Oh, Man! That'll teach him. Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood.

Well, Derwood, now you really are the big man of the house. Mother, change him back. You know, Endora, uh, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? No! Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh?

Well, I mean, if that's what I got to do, then I guess I... Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. (ACCORDION PLAYING)

(CROWD CLAMORING) People, please, first things first. Is there anyone here for the couch off of Craigslist? I am. Oh, good, come on in.

So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? (SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that.

For god's sake. If I wanted to marry Lola Falana, I would have. Look, Lola. This whole thing is just going way too fast for me. For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!

Ahh! Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk. The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk. Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein?

Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Now, come here, my fat concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

Uh, yeah, 2 mutton joints, please. Oh! Thou wishes to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine. Listen, you freak. We don't all watch Frasier, ok? Now Give me 2 mutton joints. Thank you.

- you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy!

snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts rainbows, springtime is That Guy He's tinsel on a tree He's everything that every guy should be

Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop (SIREN BLARING) Oh, shit. Afternoon, Officer. OFFICER: Any idea how fast you were going? CLEVELAND: No, sir. OFFICER: You getting smart with me, boy? Where'd you get them wheels? CLEVELAND: Come on, man. OFFICER: Step out of the car. CLEVELAND: But I ain't done nothing.

- Are you okay? - No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere. Come on, I'll help you find her. Okay.

Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people. You guys, we're still on in Boston.

Yeah? Well, what did you want? Uh... You called me, right? Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh?

it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys! (ROARING) Oh, my God! What's that? It's Bigger Jaws! Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together. I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws. Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. (GASPS) But then why should you remember? There were so many of us. But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive. Bring it on!

Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank? I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve. Remember, it's not really about pushing, as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.

Wake up! W-w-w-What? Ah! Wha-- Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? Oh, We needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, Just us. We have to get the hell out of here!

- Sorry. Retarded. - That's okay then. - Don't know any better. - Bless your heart. Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded.

My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache. My tooth hurts!

And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!

I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is. Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods, who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah.

Fire! Uh-oh. What? Hold on to something. MORT: Why isn't the time machine working? I swear to God, Mort,

Computer on. 30 minutes before ship re-expansion. Good, Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurperS. Engine status? Nominal. Fuel supply? Full. Air Supply?

my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model. Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick.

I'm gonna jump off this building. Could you repeat that, please, Peter? I believe I had something crazy in my ear. Wai--wait, Hold the phone. You took me away from a Swedish girlie-girl and her paralyzed, but trusting, cousin for this? $1,000 says I live. A thousand clams, huh? - What the hell? - Ok.

The turtle will keep you safe. Oh, For God's sake, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle? Nature's "D" student? Oh! Oh, This is marvelous! I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller. Hey, Chris, aren't you coming in? Uh, Can I swim with my shirt on?

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off.

Holy crap! This is hot!

Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon,

And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty. The Queen, eh? I'd like to mash my banger in her blood pudding. Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus. Right fine performance at the cricket match today. Aye. I was spirited to have you down there watching me. ANNOUNCER: Well, it's a brilliant day for a long and confusing game of cricket.

What the hell is going on here?

Time to be bad! Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they'll come get you. But Dad, the T.V.'s back on. What do you know? Ok, let's go. Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family.

Wow, my favorite. PB and J with the crusts cut off. - What did you get? - Your crusts. That's it? No. I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.

Somebody should stop him. As she retarded? Can you please leave now? Oh, now I get it, she's a moron. But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts. Shut up. that's not it at all. Say, Jillian, I love what you have done with the place. What is it? One bedroom, one bath?

Is he playing a dick? All right, everybody, here we go. Scene 10. Places, please. And action! Oh, it's so great being here on Jolly Farm. Let's go to the barn and meet the animals. Yeah! Hey, Mary, bet I'll beat you to the barn! That sounds like a really chauvinistic presumption.

I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once, you're going to stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you.

Oh, That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance. Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. So, Bill. We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too! Peter, That was our emergency money,

Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo. I-17. Oh, Darn it. aah!

I'm a Wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine So you Russians best be warned Shooting commies Drinking deer blood Peeing in the radiator Look up there Here comes a really Angry Russian helicopter (EXCLAIMING)

So, how did you guys get together? He showed up at my door and said he was a Federal Boob Inspector. And I was gonna tell him to go away, but he had a warrant. It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper. But then he started saying things to me that my father might say if he were still alive,

What's this? Blueberries? Mmm. Oh, my... Oh, That's better than sex!

Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!

PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin struggled to make ends meet until he died tragically in the same manner as 78% of Americans at that time. He was stabbed in a card fight. It was a simpler time. It was a better time.

My day was even worse. I got pegged by a new form of spitball. (MOOING) (PANTING) BOY: Hey, get up, you faker. It's just a spitball.

So, I invited you all here to make amends. And why the hell should we trust you? Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years. I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient. Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed.

Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS)

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a--

It's not supposed to be funny. Tom, who were you having dinner with in there? Was it a guy? Are you gay? Someone said you were gay. It was me. Are the rumors I'm making up true? Ignore me if you're gay.

Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder?

"You can't go into space because the machine "already got blown up by Jake-cockadoody-Busey." - Start over! - Fine.

All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint.

Isn't that right, Milli? No, it's just as good. Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba-ba-ba-ba- Baby! Ah, What's the use? You're right. Cease this prattling! This campaign literature must be posted today if we are to get you into office, and out of my life, you festering strumPET! Hey, you guys. Lois, you running for School Board?

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Glenn, these past few weeks have been amazing. I think I'm falling in love with you. I know. I feel the same way. If this is the kind of joy the '80s has in store for me, I'm ready. QUAGMIRE: But that wasn't the case. In fact, things went wrong real fast.

Ah, this--This comic sucks! He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2.

(MOOING) My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse. Sir, you are correct.

I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?"

Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real! Oh, God! We gotta stop!

Peter, this is it! This is the evidence you've been looking for! If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify publicly about these atrocities? Absolutely. But how do you intend to escape? You leave that to us. Come on.

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right?

Why did you drive the car into the air if you didn't know how to get it back down? Look, Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously, I didn't think ahead. It's so cold. Let's cuddle together for warmth. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm warm enough. Quick, we got to turn the channel.

Oh. Uh... $140,000. $150,000. Brian, that sounded like Peter. Hey, Come here, you!

Look how close we're getting, Meg! Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. Doh! My fanny is not on the menu! WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here, little fella. Come get the food.

And the smarty on Thanksgiving Who says it's the tryptophane He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the blonde who tells you loudly With a voice just like a knife "You know, someone should do a sitcom Based around my life"

Lois, this woman is obviously freezing. Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine. Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward. It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it? What the hell?

(SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy. Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. Mom, Dad, this is Scooter. Uh... Hello, Scooter. Hi, Scooter. Hey, everybody.

Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time,

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (MALE ANNOUNCER READING) You tell me how that got in there. (WHOOPS)

50 grand? Oh, my God! I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Oh, Sorry. And his great grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher. Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why? Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad. Ok. Settle down, spaz. In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses.

He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now! Somebody help him! Do something! Now she's nagging everyone. Does anyone have any medical training? It looks like his jugular is severed. I learned this at the hospital. Mr. Swanson, find me a first aid kit! Mom, hand me those towels. Did I hold on to the ball?

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke. You dicks!

Damn! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't.

Oh, and, uh, you're so pretty. You're always pretty. Oh, you guys are so sweet. Well, it's my pleasure. Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting. Okay, bye.

I can't believe I just showed everyone my tater tots.

No one, no one No one ever Is to blame

(HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now?

Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.

(HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) - What was that? I don't know, (SNIFFS) but suddenly it smells like John Popper in here. That was me. I got musical farts. (HARMONICA PLAYS NOTE) (LAUGHS) Holy crap, this is awesome. I will not allow this opportunity to go to waste.

Peter, This is the final plague! Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old. The final plague is the death of the first-born son. Oh, No! Stewie! The first-born son. Meg. Your wife. Chris! Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel.

Come on, you son of a... Oh...me. Brian, would you mind? (GROANS) Yeah, sure. Oh, sorry. I haven't had sex in two weeks. I'm just a little on edge lately. (SCOFFS) A little? There wasn't this much tension when the slaves were freed. Uh, okay, so, uh, you're free to go.

Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

Thanks, David. Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight. (LAUGHS) Come on. Come on, now. Okay, we'll leave you alone.

How many men like me Do they sleep with in their dreams? You can stay or you can go

Go ahead, Mr. Griffin. And that's when things got bad. (PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) He made me feel so dirty.

No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous. Ok, disability claim.

So, what happens now? Will you just anchor the news by yourself? I suppose, for the time being. Well, that's kind of exciting, right? (CHUCKLES) You sound like my mother. She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show. How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian? (ALL CHEERING)

Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know...

Um, Yeah. On what? Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. I shall call you "Eduardo." Peter, how can we afford this?

What? Oh, my God! Oh, man! Fooled you! Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more. This van has the latest in law-enforcement technology. Watch.

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away,

I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.

(GRUNTS) Attaboy, Ope.

Oh! You can't hit me! I'm a girl! Sometimes I wonder.

See? I went there. Damn it, Glenn, if you're not gay, then the divorce is off. No, no, I am. I swear to God. All right, fine. If you're really gay and you want that divorce, all you got to do is one thing. Anything, Charmese. Name it. Prove it. Let me watch you have sex with a man. (STAMMERS) What?

And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to-- Uh-oh! Well, that was so nice. A good sermon and such beautiful songs. Yeah, It was just like that other Jewish musical we saw.

Is somebody out there?

Look everybody! I got us another dog! What the... Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn. Heh. Look at this. It's some kind of plastic root. There's no such thing as a plastic root.

Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks. Don't you think it's time to forget about that boy? Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway. You'll find another fella. I could set you up with one of my friends. Oh, wait, I don't have any friends. I could set you up with Dad. Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg?

I'll--I'll take care of Woody, son. What was that? Nothing. Let's go.

(GIGGLING) (WOOD CLATTERING) Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Hey, guys? I got a problem. You know how Lois has that dad? Yeah. Well, we were there the other night for dinner,

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

You're fired! Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home.

PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye.

All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, but I will lead you to freedom. Now, Jews, ho! Here we are, the Red Sea. Now, all we gotta do is swim across. I didn't bring my trunks.

Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed. Uh... Lois, aren't you a little freaked out by this? Why? Everybody's having a great time. Besides, think of the money we're making. I don't care about that.

Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs!

Peter, if you cried, we are done. Great job, Peter. Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars, and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion. So what happens next? Do those guys all get trials? Well, you know... (INDISTINCT) It's a long... It's the process, and whatever.

Run! ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Great Moments in Women's Stand-Up Comedy. Sorry to interrupt nothing,

(MUFFLED) Okay. Now, what else you got there? You got a stapler?

(IN SILLY ACCENT) He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand? I am Colonel Tushfinger, and I live on the moon. So I talk like this with a moon accent. Do that! You know, Bonnie also acts. Oh, here we go. So they want me to drop the story completely because they don't want to embarrass Rush Limbaugh.

You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now. I am a Nielsen god. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Sorry, y'all. That's the first time I ever throwed anything.

(STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING) (EWOKS CHATTERING) (YUB NUB PLAYING)

(PETER SCREAMS) PETER: Lois, I've done it again! You don't have to apologize. I would've done the same thing. I mean, bullying makes you feel pretty cool. Yeah. I guess it was kind of cool. You know, I always used to be the nerd getting bullied,

(SCREAMS) A shark! How did it get all the way up here in the sky? Who cares, you fool? Do you want to get eaten? Retreat!

What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on. I don't care. I don't need you, I got money!

Peter, did you take the money from the family jar? Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who?

I just... I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie.

Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump!

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing. Double fault! Come on, Brian. Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him.

You know, it's my first anchoring job, and I'm trying to make a good impression. I love the "Child of the Month" segment. We just watched that one with the little goofball who thought he was going to be a doctor. I can't believe I'm actually meeting you. You know, the news is so much better with you on it. Well, you know, Lois, I'm on my way back to the station after lunch.

Oh, you can't tell me It's not worth trying for I can't help it

Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together. I won't, Brian! Now you get your ass back into that hippie car of yours and take me to the North Pole, now! Look, I know you're upset. Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list,

forget about me

You got the stuff? Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...

a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center? (ALL LAUGHING)

Okay. Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction...

I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg? Oh, well, My boyfriend, Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter.

Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it doesn't look all that bad, Brian. It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you. Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed!

And when we're done mopping we'll mop it some more "Swab" means "mop" "deck" means "flooR" coulD you Tell me when you're leaving to go back in tiME? I was talking to a robe on the coat rack for 20 minutes before I realized you Weren't in iT. Ma, for God's sake, leave me alone! I'm working!

Meg, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him. He's down by the old town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you. You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. a-ha!

Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working. Great. You can teach me how to drive. Meg, There'll be time to drive when you're dead.

"David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day. None of them serve breakfast all day.

Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not. I don't believe you. God, is that true? God? God, are you there? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God.

That's all. (GRUNTS) Easy for you to say. This is stressing the crap out of me. Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper. (WALLPAPER SCREAMING) (PETER SCREAMS) (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You know, my brother is the one he's here to kill! My daughter would absolutely love you.

That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money.

Do I... Do I hit him? No! Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth!

And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are, Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

It was my job to keep the children from eating each other. Hey! Hey! No. No, no, no. Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy!

Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died!

Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Oh, God, this is ridiculous. Oh, boy. He's out cold. Hey, let's write on him. What the hell is that?

Chris, you big beautiful man, I'm so glad you came. Up the stairs, second door on the left. He should still be asleep. Mrs. Lockhart, I don't think I can do this. What? Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together...

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.

I'm here for the boy. Who are you? Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. (GASPS) But then why should you remember? There were so many of us. But frankly, I don't give a shit. And I'll tell you this,

Let's just say the car was a steal. Say that again. The car was a steal. This time without winking. The car was a steal. Wink. Peter. Look, Lois. We had a broken car. I did "something," and now we have a new car.

Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny. Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited. Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed? Oh, I do hope so. I've always imagined the most beautiful... (GRUNTING)

Are you calling me a liar? Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man!

Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. The batteries are almost depleted. Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Come on, we can't give up on our goals. What if Jesus had done that? (CHILDREN CLAMORING) Why is the ironing board still out? That's-- That's my favorite picture of Brian over there on that wall.

North Pole! North Pole! There it is! My word, I really must have been asleep! Ah. Look at this. The tip of the Earth, Brian. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus. All right, let's go. Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?

Ah-ha! All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now.

Ah! You idiots! I had them. Cindi was right. We need a lot more work. Uh, e-e-Excuse me. Yeah, uh, Hi, i'm--I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, uh, as many of you may know, I recently came into some money.

Of course I deny it. I loved my wife. And I certainly think I'd remember killing her. Mr. Griffin, do you drink? I plead the fifth of Jack. (LAUGHING) No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.

It's just-- You know, There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. HOnk, honk. Ok, that's it!

Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands,

I mean, I don't think so. Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie's fat, too. Because we wear the same size onesie.

Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Oh, my God, yes! Brian killed a dog! This is fantastic.

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

Ok. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do. ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Ow!

Stewie, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, Brian, let me handle this. Calm down, everything's gonna be all right. Chris, you're wanted on the phone. Everything's gonna be all right. (STEWIE SCREAMING)

What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection. Just in case. Just in case what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds. Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman. Peter, you are not putting those birds in the car!

Dad, can you help me with my French homework? Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish?

I assume that's the one you meant, even though it wasn't literally the last thing I said when you said, "What did you just say?" It's just that clearly it was the most unusual. Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay? Guilty

A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

(LAUGHS) I mean your daughter's in a coma. Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze! Oh, my God. That one is going in the Christmas letter.

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run. Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea. The Drunken Clam? W-Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, The breadsticks.

say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

"Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie."

I think that can be arranged. A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world. (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Lois, I'm going to ask you this only once.

(RINGS DOORBELL) Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you? Live with me? My goodness, I feel like I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. Hot dog, it's real.

we've now got to walk? Uh, Pretty much. Yeah. WEll, You know what this means? Yeah. I say, walk slower, dog! My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon.

Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Dad! Help! Help! Dad! Ugh! You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives. And After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis. Well, We take care of our own.

Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS)

And all I gotta do is paint! Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats like the Muppets? Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight? Count me out. I'm never going to the theater with Peter again. "Remember when you were younger,

I gotta go put on my face for press interviews. Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone? Oh, sure. (STATIC BUZZING) Thanks. That was weird. Did you hear that when I was giving her the phone? No. It was like interference or something.

So, how do you win this game? Just fill this out when they say the letter and the numbers? Yeah, that's a sucker's bet. There's only one way to win this game. Wait for someone else to win and steal his card. G-27. Bingo! It's go time. What do we do, sneak up behind him? No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

(STAMMERING) I don't understand. Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Luke. Yeah. Luke? Yeah? Wait. Luke Skywalker? Yeah. Oh, my God! This is so stupid, I was trying to call Luke Adams.

We create our own physics. See, watch this. (SCATTING MELODY) Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do

- Bye, Mom. - Bye! All right, kids. Have a good day at school. Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're there. I'll always be there, Dylan. Hey. Knock, knock. Who's there? Danny Zuko.

My tulips! You dick.

Dad, what is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs? Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

Mary, have you seen Nicholas? He's up in his room sulking, Dad. Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards. Oh, Maybe I should make him a sandwich. Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.

If you think that I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right.

Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there? What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Pee-ew! Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption center?

or like a "She eats a lot of milk products "so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way. Peter, we're running out of time! All right, all right, we'll try something else. I will now use my psychic powers to seek help from beyond. I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress.

Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt!

(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

Can I call the Herculoids for a reference?

Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to.

The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette." Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. Hey, guys! Th-There's no more girlie magazines in the can!

Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't feel my legs! JOE: Welcome to the party, pal. No, wait, there they are. (JOE GROANS)

What the hell's going on back there? We're losing altitude. Hang on, you guys, I don't know if I can pull out of this. Giggity! Wow, from up here, everything looks so huge and coming faster.

All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. Well then, let's all go to bed. Off we go then.

Can't you let me have anything?

Goodbye Say goodbye to manhood Goodbye Say goodbye to babies Say goodbye to kids like Meg Vacuum out your sac

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away,

Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous... You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife, because she has an eating disorder! What? Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that! Stewie, just pull yourself together.

Guys, guys, I got an idea. How about we do a song that's not whiny bullshit? All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, thank God. We made it. (GROANS) My neck! You backed into me, and now...

Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it?

Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world? Uh, Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out. Now, it's time for bed. Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you.

Damn it, it won't turn over. Great! Not even halfway through Canada, and we're stuck.

"Man, was last night weird! "I kissed a boy. But the truth is, I really like him as a friend. "His name is Sam."

Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream. I can't believe Horace is dead. I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up. I'm gonna pee!

Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "Years Traveled"? What thing? Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING)

Well, I can't really do a good Stewie. Oh, my God! What kind of a mother am I? Peter, we gotta go home right now! Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory.

Well, Mr. Griffin, the bandages are ready to come off. But I think I should tell you, it's a miracle that you're alive at all. We did all we can. But medical science has come just so far.

of all people, would know about Internet porn. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet? You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I thought that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me?

What's The Dukes of Hazzard? Hey, That's mine. Come on. Come on, give that back! Come on! Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a good long time. Them boys rassled for a full 5 minutes before the manager stepped in. Come on! Hands off, fatty! Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. REGIS: That's you. Oh, embarrassing. Okay, well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV. I can't believe you actually won. But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show. Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy.

Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. Yeah.

Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery!

She's being kept alive by medical science. Gee, look at all this stuff. How does it all work? Well, I'll tell you. This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? Oh, that's just the TV ALL: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Hey, Joe, what are you doing? I thought we were gonna go to The Clam and get wasted. Ugh. I can't. I'm on duty tonight. And Halloween's got to be the worst night of the year to be a cop. All you do is drive around, confiscate beer from teenagers and occasionally handcuff a drunk woman in a sexy costume. Oh, cool! Hey, I got a great idea. How about we ride around with you and steal beer from teenagers?

But myself I can't deceive I know it's only make-believe

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over.

You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony.

You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh!

The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist. It's just a myth to scare freshmen. Really? Oh boy, that's a relief. Now have a good day at school, sweetie. Freshman!

No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself. You're a fool, Joe! A fool!

Morning, Lois. And you were worried. Peter, what the hell is that? It's my favorite T.V. family, the Griffins. Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality.

Let's just face it. I suck!

Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun. A lot of fun. But we got to get back over to our place and kind of do... What do we have to do? Roll some joints and get high. Yeah, we got to do those things. That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Amen. No, Peter. You're not funny. I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it.

and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.

(IMITATES THROBBING MUSIC) Oh, why did you stop? Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something. When you're in the shower at the "Y," is-is that just like Supermarket Sweep for you guys, or is there some kind of etiquette? Peter, stop it. God! You're more clueless than Popeye.

I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem. What? What is it? The transfer circuits are powered by uranium, and this thing is tapped out.

I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that. Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic. Listen, ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life.

How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie. In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands. Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!

and a cap in every ass! Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns? Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation systeM. Are you crazy? You destroyed all our water pipes? We don't need guns! We need food and water! I have a canker sore on my lip! And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's only making it worsE!

What? What do you mean?

Lord Griffin is dead. It's just me, Peter the towel boy. Peter, you're back! Let's go home! We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for a light switch. We'll find another place. Your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in Hell,

Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters.

Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age.

Oh, my God! My fish is gone! And he robbed me!

Boy, it sure is nice having our house to ourselves again, huh? Lois? Peter, sometimes you just make me sick to my stomach. Look, I know you think Jerome was a good guy, but... No. He was a good guy, Peter, and I'm gonna prove it to you.

So did the white light.

Who are you guys? How did you get back here? Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby. And he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer. Oh, my God! Really? Yeah. He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football. I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out.

Oh, yeah. Cry for Stewie. Life isn't what you thought it would be. Boy, I'll tell you, not graduating from college has haunted me for years.

at the center of the earth? You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. Well, At these prices, I'm not surprised! That's it, pal! You are outta here!

I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. These tapes are about communication. if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. This is hot! Turn around.

Hey, everybody! Mr. Lassenbee's getting arrested! What in God's name? Mr. Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here? Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI. Ah, damn it, I knew that! Well, if that doesn't suck a big, black cock.

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

(BARKING) Who the hell are you? One lucky son of a bitch.

And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context. I don't know what that means. It means, if I die, you gotta burn my house down!

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

You can't be me son, you and me are nothing alike. Just ask me sheep, O'Brian. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

How could you tell her I had an affair? We had a deal! Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter. She's divorcing me! Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage. You know, maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise.

checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there. You been lifting weights? No. No, I don't... I don't think... No. I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back.

"God, I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves!" Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! Keep going.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Peter, have you been drinking? Well, a little. It is a party. Take off that stupid costume. You look like a damn fool. Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale.

That $20. Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police!

Aw, crap! We're dead!

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

Your father doesn't remember his life,

Mom, oh, my God, guess what! Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me. You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you,

What the hell is all this? This is history, Brian. A key moment in the history of happiness. - Have a seat. - (SIGHS) (MUSIC PLAYING) I cried a tear

Lois, I need your help. You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon. Lois, I could lose my presidency! Too bad! I've already lost more than that!

(ALL SCREAMING)

You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off. (DOORBELL DINGS) ANell, hey, Quagmire. How was Florida? 0h, it was great. And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus. Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here.

Hey, it's me. Knock, knock. So, you got my money? Oh, yeah. I'll pay you soon. Yeah, well, here's a suggestion. Have the money by tomorrow, and there won't be any problems. - Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours. Why? What happens in 24 hours? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man.

Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage.

Oh, and I don't respond to Peter. From now on, I want you to use my Hebrew name. (HISSING) Well, I caution you...

Peter, they might be very nice people. "Very nice people." Yeah, that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and bam! Skeleton city!

A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

Yeah, I'm afraid I might... (SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.

Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. I'm sorry. Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed!

Hey, is this shirt too tight? I'm feeling really self-conscious.

And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free!

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!

You know, like that prank I pulled on Ashton Kutcher. Ashton, come here. (LAUGHING) You've just been tomahawked. That's my show. Tomahawked.

What, again, was the nature of your beef with them? I don't know. Something about a roller coaster. Let's go. (ALL GRUNT) Apples! Fire!

Why? They're just feet.

I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody - if you had the money tomorrow. - Yeah, all right. - I'II see what I can do. - Sweet, sweet. Great. - How's everything else going? - Good. All right. All right, see you later. Don't forget. No, you're not gonna forget. Hey, Peter, I was going through your garbage,

Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Those are looking good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't flip them too often now. You don't want to lose the juices. Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely. Yeah, those are cooking just fine.

I do. You bastard.

Oh, my eyes! They're beautiful! Ah! Just get away from me, Chris!

Do you think we were too hard on Chris tonight? What? Oh, God, no, no. No, no, I don't-- I don't think so. Do you? Oh, No, I just always feel badly when we have to be strict. Oh, Did I remember to turn the stove off? Yes.

(ALL GROANING) Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.

The insertion procedure will be performed by these South American Hovitos blow-gunners. Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my vagina. Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING)

Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality? Shut up, Brian. I am part of a very special community now. People with mustaches look out for each other.

Yes, I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing some initiative. God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no!

Yeah. Who are you?

Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact? Yeah! We're starting a rumor! Wait a minute. Chris, are you clapping? Yeah! - So your hands are free. - Yeah! Stewie didn't tie up your hands. No, he must have forgot. You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours. Well, get pissy if you want, Mom.

Cute as a button, fat as a cow, radioactive scorpion, huh?

Well, this is pretty awkward.

All right, we'll go get him. But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction - that drastically alters the present. Really? No, you can do whatever you want. Come on.

Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever. P.P.S. You know what? it might be a little chilly in London. I--I'm actually going to take the sweater. Oh, my God! One of these planes must be going to London.

Dad, what are you doing? I'm, uh--ju-- Uh, keeping the couch fresh. Dad! It's ok, Meg. I understand what's going on here. I'm gonna go.

It stinks in here. Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted? 'Cause sometimes I can suck them back up. I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter. (PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh...

That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!

(ROCKET ROARING) (PETER GIGGLING) I'm back from space, everybody. You got lucky, Peter. How was it, Dad? Mind-boggling, Chris. Barreling around the Earth at 5 miles per second, watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan.

You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING) Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?

You know what? I'm gonna let those fugitives go. You'd do that for me? I'd do anything for you. I love you. I love you, too! Now, come out here and give me a kiss. JOE: Peter, no! Wait a minute! I don't have a wife!

To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei!

Mike, What's happening now?

That's right. To hell with you all. I am who I am. (HURRICANE PLAYING) Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done

You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! (SIGHS) I'll see you, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

I know I've said that before, a lot of times, and it's always blown up in my face. QUAGMIRE: Giggity. But this time it's different. I know it's gonna work.

And I will, but first, it's been a long trip. This sailor needs a cosmo. A cosmo? Hey, it's got to be 5:00 somewhere, right? (LAUGHING) Okay, fine. I'll make you one, you tell the story. He can be such a nudge. So, anyhoo, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I'd gotten a haircut earlier that day, the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything.

Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you. That megastore is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town.

Laugh and cry He 's a family guy

and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened? The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose. Oh, crap. And I was going to watch G.I. Jose. (GROANS) Oh, no! You cut your forehead! What do we do?

Who loves a lass above his station But, soft, Ron, my husband draws near Nicole, I'm back from filming the third Naked Gun movie

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

My God! They're everywhere!

You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No. - You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No. That's what I thought. Oh, Crone. (SCREAMING) How are we gonna get out of here? You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me.

Aw, That's ok, kids. So I don't have my name on an amusement park. And maybe I'll never be famous. But I got 3 wonderful children and a wife that loves me. That's right. I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky-- Oh, My sentiments exactly! Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.

MALE T.V. HOST: And we're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing. I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round, we'll never know. (BELL DINGS) (CROWD CHEERING) Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one.

Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search. Drop your pants. JOE: Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down. - Sorry. I'm still learning. - JOE: All right, start the search.

(BRIAN RUNNING) Joe, I gotta tell you. This whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. When do we get to shoot some bad guys? Guys, it's not all about action. It's about staying vigilant until you're needed.

Ahh! It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary. My thoughts exactly. Ugh.

Rush, we want our dog back. Hang on, Lois.

Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault We have so much crime in this country!

There's no accountability anymore!

Kevin, you're alive! I don't believe it. Oh, my God, it's a miracle! Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner.

Freeze, psycho! Oh, Peter, thank God! Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest for the murder of... Shit. I didn't get the kid's name. We're supposed to do that. Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me.

- I did good, Meg? - Shut up.

Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money. Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir! Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but...

bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?

Hey, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone? Sure. (CAMERA CLICKS) You know where I got that nipple ring? Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright gave it to me. Say, you look like you're pretty down, Peter. Ah, it's just that I'm starting to realize I'm not as young as I used to be. I hear you. After my bypass, I remember wondering if it was all downhill from there.

Uh, As soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behind us. Lois Griffin is a slut. What? Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

CARTER: Hello? Hello. Who's this? Who's this? Carter. Who's this? I don't know. Do you have my OxyContin? What? Are you the guy? I'm a guy. I want my drugs. What are drugs? I don't think this is the call I was expecting. (DIAL TONE)

You son of a bitch. And this is nothing.

Looking like we might have some weather Then we go to E minor Oh, definitely got some weather Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first And then we go back to my house You sound like an unbelievable douche. Then Brian comes in And I change up the tempo

Boner. His name was b-b-Boner.

Shit! What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog.

And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of quahog, Rhode Island. One which leaves this reporter asking-- How much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we the people endure? Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The clitoris-- Nature's rubik'S cUbE."

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, Lois, Peter, come on in. We were just praying for Scotty's recovery. If you'd like, you can join us. Well, that's what we wanted to talk to you about. You'd better not just have church toys. Look, I don't mean to question your religious beliefs, but as a mother,

You're fired! Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home.

Not this baby! Hey Lois, you seen my pants? Boy, WIll I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. HEy, Lois, what's with the sign? Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board. You never listen to me. Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire.

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Oh, God. I, uh, I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me, while I touched myself. Oh, come on. Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.

I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture, like some Italian family. My therapist thinks he's figured out what problem is. Oh, Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? He, uh, thinks I'm in love. Oh, my God! You can talk!

All right, guys, just take her away. Dad, help! (MEG SCREAMING) Dad! Have fun at the dance, Meg. I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

(CHUCKLING) I may have dipped into the tax surplus. Wait a minute. You used taxpayer money to buy yourself a handbag? It's no big deal, Brian. Besides, there was a lot left over after the lake clean-up, and I figured maybe I earned a little treat, huh? Lois, spending even one penny of that money on yourself is incredibly unethical.

It means you want to make love. But I forget how to make love. (SHUSHING) That's okay. I'll show you. Just follow my lead. (FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME PLAYING) It feels like the first time

never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence?

Come on, Mom. Let's go. Bye. Thanks for coming. I'm gonna miss that boy. You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Cleveland. Australia, here I come. Look at that, Brian. Cleveland is back living across the street. Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

PETER: Hey, Quagmire. Huh?

So you got a tank, big whoop.

Women are conditioned to feel competitive with other women when we should be supportive.

That doesn't even make any sense!

llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping. Well, we just need to kick it up a notch.

Nice throw, Casey Anthony. Oh, my God, I hope the guys at Sears portrait studio will be able to retouch this. What am I saying? Of course they will. They're Sears. What the deuce? Well, hello there. I say, you're a cute little fellow. Tell me something, what do you think about Rose McGowan?

Oh, My God! This is date number 3. Are you gonna get to 2nd base?

Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!

(FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them.

Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft. Oh, your ears. Your ears are like dog ears.

Let the tour begin. Hey, look. Oh, Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

I'm never gonna get into college.

It's 9:30 at night. Well, you better get going. Son of a fuck! And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know,

I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free!

Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache? $2.99. (SCREAMING) Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

What are you saying? I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong.

You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!

And shoulder guy's going with you. Rick, shut up! Hey, bitch, wanna suck on my tooth?

All right, one, two, three, go!

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons.

I tell you, Lois, high school's a lot more fun this time around. And It's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns. Oh--oh, a-a-a-And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose, y'know, to make the guys laugh. And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. No, i-i-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation?

What the hell was I thinking? I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do? Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here humping you!

You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

Yes, she has small breasts, but she makes up for it by smoking. Peter, she has to leave. We're having dinner. No, Lois! I will not allow you to look down on Amber just 'cause she goes to an alternative high school! There's different ways to measure intelligence besides someone's grade-point average! Fact is, she rumpled up some poetry she wrote and threw it away in a fit,

ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING)

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house you know, you know, come on

(CHUCKLING) Seeing him fall down that hill put me in a good humor. Stewie, get lost. What are you doing just standing out here? I'm waiting for Quagmire to get his mail. I'm gonna conveniently stroll by and strike up a conversation with him, and maybe find out why he hates me. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. You'll smooth it over.

Oh, I couldn't afford that. My daddy's making me pay for my own tuition this semester because I maxed out all my credit cards buying a copy of E.T. at the video store. It was $399. Yeah, but you own it. You can just watch that now.

Hey, What's up, Pete? Long time no see. Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you.

and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Shut up. Seriously, shut up. Please, you are done here. Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country. Wait, not you five. I'm gonna keep you for an experiment.

(WHIRRING) Wait a minute. Something's wrong. All right, you girls ready? (ALL CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's going on? (ALL GIGGLING) Don't you laugh at it. Good morning, Mom and Dad.

I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?

See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep! This doesn't involve you, LOIS! I don't want to have to come in there. I don't want to have to come in there!

Thank you very much. Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up. Ah, Please flush the toilet twice. Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a deAR.

Um, i--I guess "problem drinker." But that's-- Thank you. Now, "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something"? Well, "Sexual deviant," but that other one's not even-- Thank you. Now, Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children?

Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing? Joe, what are you doing here? Peter, we have proof that it was Chris who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy.

No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this.

I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel. Guys, he didn't do it, I swear. Get out of the way, dog. (SCREAMS) Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

Gee, look at all this stuff. How does it all work? Well, I'll tell you. This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? Oh, that's just the TV ALL: Ha! Ha! Ha! This one checks her heart rate This one checks her veins

Well, actually, Diddy hired a guy to close his mouth for him. I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

Oh, Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. I'm--I'm not drunk. All right?

Watching him nail his cleaning woman is how I'm learning Spanish. Although I'm not sure what the Spanish word "no" means, because it doesn't seem to mean the same thing as it does here. And the worst part is, I don't think Lois even knows he's sick. Oh, this is going to destroy her! Just thinking about it makes me all giddy, like a group of women ordering dessert.

Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public? Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method. I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation.

What the deuce? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Yahh! Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! Uh, I'll-- I'll give her-- I'll give her a series of splinters that could, um, you know, become infected.

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Okay, look, how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with? Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl. That still sounds like a sex question. It is not. Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it? What's the guy from Earl's credit rating? Six fifty-one. That's not bad. Better than mine.

Mr. Griffin! He plays kickball in the park after School. Get him there. So, Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again? Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie?

Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.

(GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry. No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, damn it.

Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This.

What? Does he belong to somebody else? Come on, girls, let's ditch this racist dick. What happened? Did we get laid?

We enjoy each other's company. Well, I suppose if I have your word that this won't happen again, we can allow Chris to return to school.

Coming up, Diane's weight.

He challenged me to go that extra mile. And That man is Mr. Griffin. Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration. Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy?

Oh! Oh! aah! Well, You forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job. You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson. I didn't want to overload her on her first time out. Besides CHiPs is about to start.

Penis. (GROANS)

Mulligan. Damn.

(HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology, we'll show you how disastrous it could have been. Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school.

Gillooly. Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh, but you know.... Okay, Joe. Right foot, green. All right, let's do it! Yes! lam the king! Thanks for including my civil rights board game...

(MACHINE POWERING ON) What the hell is going on in here? Well, Brian, I thought about what you said at the park, and I've decided you're right. I have gone soft. I've lost my sadistic streak. So I've built a concentrated neural enhancement device, designed to boost my evil side.

Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do. Giggity Giggity.

Come on, Griffins. Let's go home. Ugh! Hey, watch where you're going!

You're gonna do toad? What's the big deal? Let me tell you about it, stud. You'll get chills all through your body And you'll lose all control of your bladder and your sphincter That's your butt-hole

- Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just....

Damn you, Tommy Tutone! There's only one thing to do. 111-1111. Lois? Damn! 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113... "A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good."

Let's make this our sanctuary. I wants me that beer. (ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

All you cared about was some stupid competition. Well, Winning was only half the battle. If you blow this chance to do something good for our kids you'll be the biggest loser I know! Oh, yeah? Well, Peter Griffin is no loser! When I'm through with our schools, our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

And now, let's meet our star! Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles! All the fish in the bucket now!

Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going?

Aah! Here, let me show you the turbo booster.

We want the city government shut down.

throw them in a bag, we'll get you home safe and sound. You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb. (YAWNING) I'm so tired from staying up that late. Stewie, security called. They found your breath mints. Oh! Good one, Brian. Turn the page.

Hey, look, why don't you go bother Joe, huh? I can't. He's in Vegas for the weekend, seeing that handicapped Cher impersonator. If I could turn back time If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You can try and fight but we're all agreed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch. Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I want to see my dad. Listen, Christobel.

Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts.

I'd invite my friend Rudy over, and the 2 of us would give you a "double dip." Ooh. Ok, Bachelor Number 2. I'd lick off all the cream and give you my special whipped topping. HA-ha. Sounds good. Bachelor Number 3? I would try to eat you really fast before I got flaccid.

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place.

maybe I could give him another chance. Really? Oh. wow! That's great news, Carter. You're back in! Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade in-the-same-room-make-outs. "Carter"? Wait a minute. You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team! And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet! Security! Come throw these frauds out of my club!

Hey, Chris. What's that? Did you sit on something? (MUTTERING GIBBERISH)

I'll tell you who could help. Medium. Daddy, that's not a real person. That's a character on a TV show. Don't you disparage Medium. Medium works very hard. You know, Mom, I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about psychics who help find people who are lost. Really? I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about this fat woman who sat on her dog and it went up inside her guts.

Uh, Excuse me? Will You Get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

Yeah. It's what kids do on Halloween. They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy. How do you not know about trick-or-treating? Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick. Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian. What happened?

But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas. Please don't kill us! We won't do it again, honest! We'll be good, mister! We was just fooling around, is all! Jabba! This is your last chance! Free us or die!

I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? You've had this since 1999? You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? It's a song about dogs and letting them out. I could have you arrested for breaking in here. Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine.

But, soft, Ron, my husband draws near Nicole, I'm back from filming the third Naked Gun movie Oh, horror You have betrayed me

Oh, That's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks. Peter, it's not a contest. Well, It was back then. Oh, no. Brian. That's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller. Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? Oh, yeah. He, uh, He left a message. I forgot to tell you. Is it on the machine?

Get out of my house now! How'd it go? Looks like I totally screwed that up. No, you didn't. You made a vow that you were going to ask Ellen out, and you did. That took courage, my friend. Especially for a poor, timid sap like you. I'm proud of you.

I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope. Cheeto.

(GIGGLES) Okay. (PLAYING YOU CAN CALL ME AL) Yeah. Don't wash the mouthpiece.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

It's like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park. How is that? How is what? How is it anything like a monkey having the keys to an amusement park?

Lois, you make it sound like I don't appreciate you at all. Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me? You know I do. I want to hear it! Is that what this is all about? Run for your lives! Holy crap! Hot! aah!

The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter? Uh, What do you got? I've got Busch. Oh, And Busch Light. Ah! Sounds like Jeff's home. Hey, sport! How'd you do? I got first place, Dad. Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High. Oh, Cool.

Look, it's one of those cards where you can record your own message. Come on! Open it up. CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye!

my beautiful princess. You know, I'm not wearin' any panties. Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

Twice as tall as me, 3 times the girth Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?

- Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. See you tomorrow. Hey, everybody. Wait till you see this.

The matrix formed in a day.

BOBBY! Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now.

Peter, I want you to help Chris. Kids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork. I saw that on a 2-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday. What the hell is Gatilsday? Oh, N.B.C. invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.

Well, come on, Mom, don't I look like him? (IMITATING BILL COSBY) Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you. I don't want to! (GRUMBLING)

Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! (SHOUTING) Lois!

Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China, and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?"

Oh. (SIGHS) Well, at least it's not raining.

Next. Brian, I am about to show you something that's gonna blow your mind! Do you know what the big bang theory is? Yeah, the theory that the universe started with a massive outward explosion from a singularity of infinite mass and infinite density. Check out the big brain on Brian. Good.

You've obviously never met a bully. What the deuce do you mean, "bully"? He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. You-- You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie!

Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (CAR STARTING) (MMMBOP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) CLEVELAND: (SINGING) Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop

ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, What the hell?

from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. This is my bit. These are all my bits. (SHUSHING) This is funny. Unbelievable. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the 'M's." And she said, "Which one?" (CROWD LAUGHING)

This is fun, Dad. Son, Son, i--I told you. Out here in the wilderness, call me Rooster Cogburn. You know, Rooster, I was starting to think you didn't like me anymore. Shh. Chris, look! Tracks.

Dad, can you help me with my math? Mr. Shackleford says if I don't learn it, I won't be able to function in the real world. Ok, now What you gotta do is go down the road past the old Johnson place. And You're gonna find 2 roads, one parallel and one perpendicular.

(PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC) I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all!

Hey, what are you doing? Lois, where is my Red Bull? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden.

like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.

HEy, Good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.

Okay, the coast is clear. Oh. Good morning.

Let's watch. That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner. That's Lubbins. That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. Now, That's Shatner. When I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup, sitting on that rock. He is the biggest dork on the planet. Oh, Totally.

Groggety! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING)

Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind. You're a sick man. Hey, keep it down. I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn. "Whore"? Well, maybe I should come inside. Well, maybe you should. What the deuce?

What's this? (READING) Well, that's a no-brainer. Come on, you fat fuck. Do it.

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie. Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world. Shut up. They're starting.

No! Ahh, ha ha! Aw, Now you've gone and upset the boy. Peter, this is a new chapter in my life. The--The kids are growing, the nest is empty, and I need some excitement.

Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois. "He rubbed her shoulder sensually." What the hell is that? That's not sexy. You can't do somebody in the shoulder. Why don't you and that book get a room? Did you hear what I said, Brian? I said, I said, "Why don't you and that..." "That book get a room." Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure you heard.

Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.

Move it, you slowpoke! The Iight's green! What does that cloud look like to you? To me it looks like rain! I used that joke at work. I'm the funniest guy at the office. They say I should do standup. This is insane!

No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.

Uh-huh. What's your name? It's Jan. Okay, here you go, Dan. Yeah, it's Jan.

on your poop deck. Cashscam is your way to make real money. You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams... by selling these fine products over the phone.

And I'm gonna bag me a rich one. Meg, that's a terrible thing to say. You should marry someone you love. That's what I did. And it got us kicked out of the yacht club. Oh, You can't be mad at your father for being himself. That's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place.

Oh, uh, huh, Hey, Cleveland. I was just leaving you a message. You violated the sanctity of my marriage.

When did the machine send him? I don't know. How can you not know? It's a time machine. Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year or something? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah. Stupid dog.

Hello, neighbor. ohhh! But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this. Wow! Miss December! Yep, the old skin bin. Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal!

Peter, is there something you need to tell me? Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Thanks to me? Well, He didn't get it from me! What are you talking about? I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching.

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe. We're exactly alike, you and I. Now we can be together. My God, we have to get you to the hospital.

What is this? Are these jokes? Do people in other castles think this is funny? Well, yeah. We get a pretty sizeable chunk of princes 18 to 34. I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo. Are you sure you want to delete this program? Yes. Bring me my mid-season replacement fool!

What if they come in a different door? Well, I guess we'd all just get up and go to that door then. Is it going to be like this all day, Jeff? Hey, I'm just trying to contribute. Yeah, well contribute to pointing your gun at that door. Mark, why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around?

but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life. His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

Sorry, you look sort of like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say. What are your demands?

How's the hernia, Peter? You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I gotta face the fact that I'm just getting old. CLINTON: Knock, knock. Mr. President, what are you doing here? Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car,

Wow, Peter! That means a lot to me, because you made it. Really? No! Get out of here! Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! What? I can't find Brian. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.

And I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see.

I'm glad you're home, son. Me, too, Dad. You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too. Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? (ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY)

Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay. No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body. Yeah, gay. It's totally different! Sounds the same. Well, it's not! Okay, so he wants to be a woman, so he can be a lesbian? No, he'd date men. Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay. Okay, this is not the help I came over here for.

Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kidS! lois, brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as A white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie. Wassup? Can I get 2 slices of pepperonI?

Man, he loved to play with this thing. Double fault! Come on, Brian. Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian? You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him. God, I hate this freaking cat.

Fooled you! Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?

I'm sorry. But I've made my decision. We're moving back tO quahog as soon as we can get packed. TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!

Well, Look at you there. Well, You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. Well, You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care who you get it from, because You have no self-respect. And that gets you off, doesn't it? Awoo!

Ah, It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! This is great. This is the rush I've been looking for. Good work, Brian. Uh, You still got a little, uh... Oh. Oh. Thanks.

I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. You bitch! Ugh! Ooh!

Channel Five has the spectacular footage. (HISSING) Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology,

Now, what he needs right now is a revenge lay. And I know just who to talk to. Oh, God! Huh. Sorry, guys. Let me throw something on.

I'm 13. Still a minor, huh?

MAN: Go, Stewie, go Roll, Stewie, roll

For having the best pig in the competition. - Wait, you bred a pig? - Sure did. Most genetically perfect one in the contest. Oink. Oh, my God! Yes. He's something, isn't he?

Wha--What do you mean, what am I thinking about? You called me! I just wanted to say hi. So, what are you do-- Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful.

Ah, very good, sir. And for you? (SPEAKING FRENCH) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Excellent. (SPEAKING FRENCH) Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there. He also speaks Orange. - Mandarin, honey. - Mandolin.

My legs! RED: Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again. (WIND WHOOSHING)

- I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.

And he must let the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace, and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you. I-It's just Noodle Caboodle. Hey, what are these hard things? M&Ms. I ran out of paprika. Magnificent. Up! Up! Stewie wants to go uppie!

Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme. - Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait. What would I have to do? Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. for orientation. Until then, keep this in mind. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.

This is humiliating. Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. No, I don't. I quit! Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me! Hey! Hey! Don't you start running! W-Wait, Meg! Meg! Get off that bus. Don't you go to La Guardia. Meg, Meg! listen to me.

We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Ok, people, Let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois. Uh, I can't. I have cramps. Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself?

Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here, and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right. Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good. Can we get some salami and... Brian, Brian, let me handle this.

Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir!

(GROANING) Oh, no, I fell out of my wheelchair! (GROANING) Don't help me! I need to do this on my own! What are you doing, Joe? You're embarrassing us. Oh, really? Are they looking? No. They're actually going to great lengths to avoid it. Exactly.

Okay, everyone, hurry up and hand in your Oscar picks before it starts.

Stick around...

Ugh! You folks all right? Wow! You guys saved our lives. And After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis. Well, We take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too. Wow, thanks!

La, la, la, la, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Peter, look at these numbers. We're a hit. You know, if I were you, I'd think about expanding your programming somehow. Brian, that's a great idea. That's exactly what we need to take PTV to the next level. Original programming.

Yeah! ...on TBS.

And sometimes I abort in my sleep! What am I supposed to do about that? Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it?

This maybe make you millionaire. Then how come no one buy Peter wheel? Maybe sales pitch not good enough. Brian help. Okay, sell wheel just like practice. Not sure can do it. You so money. Don't know it. Hi, me Peter. Tired walking everyplace? Need something make you go?

Use your scissors. They're not sharp!

No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck. Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution.

Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way? Oh, my God. Yes, I do. And you so did not even. Oh! But I did. Yoo-hoo! Guys. (SQUEALS)

Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire?

I can't live without the country club.

If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.

What? But the court said we're supposed to go home tomorrow!

Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke. I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. I'll tell the joke.

(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Look, I may have been a little rash. Our ratings have dropped 50%. Whatever suggestions you have, I'll listen.

I want to make you feel beautiful, Lois.

Look at you all. Look what you're doing. Why, you're no better than what you made me out to be. Sure, I made some mistakes in my life. I forget to take the trash out some days, I've left the toothpaste cap on the bathroom counter. I've taped football games without the express written consent of the National Football League.

(HIP-HOP BASS BLARING)

What the deuce? Hey, Somebody dropped a money clip. Wow! $26. I've never seen so much money at one time! What do you think we should we do with it? I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. Oh, We can dish, talk about who's getting fat.

You slept with my wife.

Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on!

MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack!

Bye! Welcome back, Peter. Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? Peter, you're, uh-- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories. But First I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things, and--

Now, there are plenty of people who have had worse days.

Dad, watch out! aah! Meg, honey, are you ok? Yeah, I think so.

Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to-- Lois, what-- what day is it? Thursday.

spEed, i don't think you should be in this race, Ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, Ha ha! But, Pops, I must be in this race, Ha ha! Very well. But I am not really your father, Ha ha! ah!

There's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill.

Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now.

Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.

WhoA, Ass ahoy. Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party. Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.

Who else but Quagmire?

- (DOG BARKING) - Ugh!

It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that. It's like watching someone do algebra. I just have no conception of how it's done.

Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan. That's Rich Little. You're Rich Little!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Coming this fall,

Classic. We'll be in the clubhouse. Go on, run away! More golf course for me! That was close. Huh, That looks dangerous. Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Somebody's in the closet! You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it! You suck! Oh, my!

Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date. Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God!

That's right, he got it from me. I swear I didn't know how strong it was. And now he's dead. They're both dead. I don't give a crap about Woodstock, but Snoopy... (SOBBING) Get off me, you skank.

I guess you're right. Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table. How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great.

Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this. I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake. Who was that masked man who saved us? I don't know, but he left his insignia.

PETER: (GRUNTING) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.

Let him go, kids. You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzlE! Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away witH it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it.

I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer is one of us! (ALL GASPING) And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet. (ALL CLAMORING) Now I hope I die next.

Let me see that. "Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk." That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore.

Where are my knitting needles? (GASPS) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry. No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? No, that's another guy. Hi. I'm Peter Griffin, and at Peter Griffin Cadillac, we believe in three things, fair dealing, family, and friendship. I've lived in Quahog my whole life. I love it here. And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. Scumbag.

Did you do this? You son of a bitch!

Space shuttle and all that. Terrific. Hello, Smith. How are you today? Fine, sir. What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot... And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard.

What the deuce is all the commotion?

(GASPS) - Morning. - Good day to you, sir. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? (EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING)

Hi, there. Do you have any books on how to get rid of ghosts? Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING) Oh, like a relationship.

PILOT: Imperial shuttle requesting permission to land like a dainty butterfly. CONTROLLER: Permission granted. Nice. That was nice.

You know what? That's fair. I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott.

All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?

It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment! What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored? Chris, when I was in school, you know what we used to do...

Hey, look, I found a genie's lamp.

SO gRiffins, What can I do for you?

Would you like to hear it? No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar. Wait a minute! I love schnitzel! Come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen. I'll change in the car. If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little--

Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know. I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube." Pardon my French. "But we are turning it off." You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know. Pardon my French. You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day.

I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no! So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some?

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Carter, there's no such thing as ghosts.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Watch the screen, not your feet. Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic

Ooh! On second thought, I got something I gotta do back on Krypton.

Looks okay. Good. It's not too braggy?

He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.

Oh, my God! Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!

You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit. There's one right behind me, isn't there? You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy... I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared.

There's right, there's wrong... And somewhere in between, there's life. You folks have a good day. I never forgot what you did. Well, thanks for coming, you guys. You know what you were doing that day, Dad? You were breaking the law.

Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois, but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God!

No. Not necessarily. (GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast.

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

Ugh! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! - Ugh! - Ugh! Ah! Ah. Hai. - Hai. - Hai. Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act, and I don't need you!

All right. Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial. If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain.

I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this.

Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel!

Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, ugly!

I'm going bananas.

To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox. I recommend a trial separation, during which time I advise that you date other people. I believe This will help you gather perspective on your marriage. Date other people? Oh, my God! I realize this is very upsetting for you.

You know your friend Alan? Yeah, I like Alan. They took his dog. (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no! Central Command to Jeffrey. Jeffrey here. Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus. That's Alan's dog. I know. Oh, no!

Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. Uh-uh-uh-uh. On the lips. Yes! Do you think your parents liked me? Yeah. Can we make out now? Oh, I forgot my... (LAUGHS)

I touched him! What's up, Teen Choice Awards! (CHEERING) We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile! Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley! It's entirely too loud in here! Quiet down! There's no accountability anymore!

Yo, yo, yo. You don't look like Kanye West.

Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hey! Peter, what the-- It's the vibration.

Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil! Yeah. That'll work just fine.

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg.

(EXCLAIMS) We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay.

the sun has gone to bed and so must I so long farewell

But he doesn't even know I exist.

Ah, You damn kids with your music. Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black star of such films as Nashville and 5 Easy Pieces, was on board. Our Hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again that, given the opportunity, actresses over 50 can land large aircraft.

I'll be back in a bit. Oh, my God! All right, Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.

(SIGHS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Uh, can I help you? Are you Brian Griffin? Yes.

Nothing bad happened!

Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING)

So, there's no other guys like you out here? Nope. It's just me. And what would be another way for you to say that? I'm by myself. Maybe a more specific way. I'm the lone ranger. Yeah! You said it! (LAUGHS) Hey, your name wouldn't happen to be Rick, would it? No, it isn't.

She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah! Come here, you. You should've told me... You should've told me...

That's what I said.

Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story. Thanks, Duke. Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences.

There's nothing these Kids learn in school they can't learn on the street. It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie? Well, You tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive? Depends if he stops to see his ho. That's what we call a variable!

ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know... I'm not following you. Intercourse.

They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take him away. Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it. I threw it away. What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! And where's my goat? Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children.

Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean. Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how! I'm sorry. Can I help you? Yes. Uh, This is Meg Griffin. She's here to see the Dean of Admissions. And we'd, uh... And we'd like it if she got into the university. Go on, take it. Wait over there.

Don't worry, he's my guest. Now, look, Peter, just because you're a member now and I'm your guest, that doesn't mean things are going to change between us, right? No, no, of course not. Excuse me a moment, Carter. Hey, guys, I just bumped into Carter Pewterschmidt outside. What a loser, huh? (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, when he wasn't looking, I stuck a springy snake in his wallet.

What the hell? I made that for you, Brian. Meg! Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. (SHOUTING) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!

Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad. But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC, a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss, and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills.

Brian, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, he's doing fine. We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food. Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish. I really thought we were gonna lose him. It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin.

Jeez, I thought you were gonna spend all night at Joe's.

This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING)

You got a condom? Never mind. I got this Milky Way wrapper.

- That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR? Congratulations, Quagmire. You're the newest member of my wall of fame.

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) It's him!

How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake.

We had the abortion.

Mr. Griffin, if you were truly an American, you would know our national anthem. Now, wait a minute! He is too an American. We've been married for almost 20 years!

What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever. Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to... I'm done. Night, Lois. (SNORING)

Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle. - Hey. - BRIAN: Hello. PETER: Hey there. CHRIS: What's up? And that's not even Kyle. Peter, we can't live like this. Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Everything we had is gone!

uh, I do not sound like that!

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a coldhearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings.

Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons. You ever stop and think, "Wow, I'm married to that guy"? No, I just repress it. As that healthy? What's the worst that could happen? I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tum or

Actually, it's "well," Pacey.

I know. Aren't they cute together? Adorable. I'm Lois. Hi, I'm Hope. Any relation to Bob Hope? (LAUGHS) I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor. Oh, don't worry, I watch Regis and Kelly. I can handle it. Oh, so, you know. This is my husband Ben.

I'm so lost without you i know you were right... We've got a runner in Sector G.

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone.

Well, what do you think? What a piece of junk! Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

Well, look, I don't know, maybe there's something we can do to help you drum up some business.

in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.

Today, I ate Peaches, Ginger, Honey, Candy, Olive. You know what? This is the wrong list.

How are we going to get out of here? Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

I know. I'm eating number two now. Eating for two, honey. I'll be back. All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back. Wait a minute. Something's not right here. (SNIFFS) We're short one vagina in this room. Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor. Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed!

Well, maybe the storm will let up soon. I don't know. It's a hard rain. Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman. "We just want the money." We should've known this weather was coming. There's been three days of thunder. Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets. What are we gonna do? We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house! All right, does anyone have a cell phone?

Doing your... son?

Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet! No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

Hey, Quagmire. Can I... Hang on a sec. And that's why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees, he may very well be talking about himself. No, Glenn, that's not... Gloria, please. You wanna hear my interpretation,

Listen, I got to go. Really? Don't worry. You'll see me again. Good job, Brian. Don't worry. I'll help you through this. So, you wanna get something to eat? Can we go someplace where the menus have pictures of the food? Let's go someplace where the menus have pictures of food!

Okay, here we go.

Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

Oh, hey there, Griffins. (BARKING) CLEVELAND: Oh, that takes me back. Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son. It's the 1950s, and I have polio. Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today,

Oh, this is just awful. James Woods is destroying this family, and all just to get back at Peter. I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does. Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg. Now, Meg, you want to be thin like all the Hollywood starlets, right? Yeah, but I love to eat.

I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me?

Are we there yet? No, Chris. Are we there yet? Yes, Chris, yes. Okay? We're there. Liar!

Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I've offended you. No, no, no, no, not at all, Stewie, no. Some of that stuff is right on. Really? Wow. Well, give me a "for instance." Well, the guy talks about... Cesar Millan? Right, Cesar Millan talks about living in the moment because that's how dogs live, you know? We live in the moment. I so don't live in the moment.

"My wife... "My--my--My wife... Lois..." Lois! Ah! Aw, Crap. Look, my wife, Lois,

Hello, operator? Hello?

What? Where? Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kind of disguise. Oh, my God, Dad! What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh!

I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like. Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

(GASPS) What are you doing here? CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die! (GROANING)

I think-- I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, Don't pout, honey.

I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street I can riot, loot, not give a hoot

Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work? Peter, that drink will kill you. Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger. (SIGHS) See, Brian? I feel great. Peter? Peter, are you alive?

This guy is an imposter.

Hi, Brian. Wow! Hi. That's beautiful. What was that? It's Mozart's Violin Concerto Number One in B-Flat. "Plato's Symposium." This yours? Oh, yeah. It's pretty worn out. Yeah. I've read it, like, 100 times.

(SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here!

What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever. Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to... I'm done. Night, Lois.

Diarrhea. Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea.

A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation

Friends, family, and characters random, to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention. Ah, I love summer.

(EMITS FARTING SOUND) Lois, don't worry about it. I got a bunch of great new shows lined up. STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds,

All right, All right. Hey, somebody give me a beer. Heads up. Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver. And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second.

Okay, easy, fellas. Lois, I'd like to make a caramel-colored baby with you. Take it easy, Cleveland. Take your jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off. All right. All right. That's it. That's enough. Peter, what are you doing?

Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that.

Oh, God! Please help me!

but look on the bright side. You'll be a story on the 6:00 news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny. Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois.

Bryant Gumbel, Greg Gumbel, brothers, bike cops. Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E Don't ever choose You will wind up wearing tattered shoes If you mess with Mr. Booze

- I'm a secret agent astronaut millionaire. - Cool. Where'd you get the cowboy hat?

Well, citizen, that's an excellent question and I thank you for it. I think it's great we live in a town where you can ask questions, because without questions, we'd just have answers. And an answer without a question is a statement. Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye!

Oh, no, Rupert, we're out of gas. We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted house. Ah! A ghost! Oh, oh, oh, oh, It's ok. It's ok. We got away just in time. We got away just in time.

Now, That's Shatner. When I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup, sitting on that rock. He is the biggest dork on the planet. Oh, Totally. And so, Because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions? Meg?

I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room.

then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will. I mean, what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers? Hope, Ben, please let God answer your prayers. Please let your son get help.

I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't.

Boy, I'm a little chilly. I hope no one notices. But that's my dad. What's more important to you, your job or your family? And don't pick the obvious one.

What's your beef, stranger?

Hup, hup, Ho! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup! Dad, I don't like running. The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears. Hey, a Twinkie! I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna... Come back here! All right, that's enough, you two. This is serious. Stop it. (YELLING CONTINUES) Quick, Quagmire, give me your iPod. (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN: I swear to God! You keep him away from me!

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)

Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton!

(Lois) Peter! Lois!

They may not be as hot as the women you see on T.V., or as entertaining, but, um... You know, i--I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway. I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson. Whatever he gets is too good for him.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!

All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the Old West, where brave pioneers survived against long odds.

Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it. Here, this is for Megan. Oh, what is it? It's a cookie from lunch period at the home. Well, I'm sure she'll love this. I want to see her eat it. So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper, so the guy orders a grasshopper.

Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS)

Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet. "I dropped it at the concert." "The hooker took it." "It's with my other family." That one was true. And let me tell you something, they appreciate me for who I am. All right, Peter, have a good business trip.

Am I blue or am I red? This is crazy.

You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie!

I was teaching her to drive and she lost control of the car.

I'll give you each $20. Deal. He can go. Mistrial, damn you! MisTrial!

Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here. You win! All right! What do I win? Another beer! Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here. (BEEPS) Oh, look at that. There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years. (ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in.

Road House. Road House. Road House.

It was super swell meeting you. Bye, Meg. Friends forever. Forever and ever. Wow! What great yard! Guess what, Mom? Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday. This Saturday? Meg, you can't miss Stewie's first birthday. But Mom--

That's loud. I get why that's factual. I don't see why it's funny. Hey, hey! What the hell, man? Drink beer much? (LAUGHS) I just learned that "much" thing from the telly. Hey, here's a question. When are you going back to the ocean? Yeah. I mean, don't you have family back there? I used to, but not anymore.

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry. I have the power!

Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God!

Yeah, Like those 2 weeks you spent narrating your own life. I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.

- Right, Peter? - Right. High five! All right! Done. Peter! What? I don't know any better. Peter, I don't like this. You are really starting to take advantage of this whole situation. Peter's just expressing himself. High five for expressing yourself, Peter. High five! All right!

- Hi, Meg. - What's up?

Lois was wondering if maybe you could, I don't know, ease up on the whole, you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift. You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter. Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized. All right, look, Dad, I don't want you to hate me, all right? So I'll make a deal with you.

Top of the morning, everybody. Excellent! Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory is... Aah! Release me at once! Your mother was right. It'd be a crime to sit around and wait for the T.V. To start working.

Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt, and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means, and community activist.

Fine. Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape.

What the hell's all that noise? Brian, it was Bertram! He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to... (RUMBLING) Stewie, what's going on? (RUMBLING CONTINUES)

Well, then I guess this whole second honeymoon - was a waste of time. Peter-- I don't want to talk about it! I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

And you think And you think That love is only That love is only For the lucky For the lucky - And the strong - And the strong Just remember

Hey, everybody, it's great to be back. So we got a great show tonight and--

QUAGMIRE: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who is it?

Geez, what the hell's her problem? Peter, she was already feeling insecure about her age, and then you went and gave her that horrible speech! I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. I'm King Stewie! I rule with an iron fist!

Well, you were only doing what you thought was right, Brian. And, hey, you've distracted everyone from the Dig 'Em statue, so I guess we don't need this bill anymore. (MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Everybody happy!

perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig.

Well, Congratulations on all your success. Here's your welfare check. What the... Hi, honey.

Oh, this is so exciting. Maybe we'll get lucky and see another crash this year. Yeah, we can get some souvenirs. Last year, I got an altimeter and a shinbone.

Oh, hello, Janet. Yes--Yes, you know Melinda. Yes, it seems she's, um... Oh, What did we figure out, dear? Was it--was it 1? No, 2. Yes, she's 2 weeks younger than you. Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt! Damn! Not even a second glance! This is what you call "dolled up"?

And little Stewie here is our President of Poopie. So where is the President now? Oh, He's out on a goodwill mission to America.

No, he'd date men. Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay. Okay, this is not the help I came over here for. Well, look, let's just all agree that he's odd. Huh? (LAUGHING) He has an appointment Friday with Dr. Hartman to have the procedure, and he wants me to go with him. I just, I don't know if I can handle that. Well, I'm sure your friend Peter would be happy to come along for moral support.

Dolphins, actually. Well, yeah, but this has Johnny Depp as some kind of very funny tea-drinking homo. Come on, Peter. Billy's our guest. (SIGHS) All right, we'll watch The Cove.

Diane, please, please, don't do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God! That's right. You won't. Good bye, Lois. (GUNSHOT)

Ok, Ok, so here's what I'm thinkin'. I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. Except you. You'll be Bosley.

Loretta? Hello, Cleveland. What are you doing here? Cleveland, I've been doing some thinking lately about how much I miss you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I want us to be together again as a family, and I promise I'll never betray you again.

Peter, can't you just use Sock Lois tonight?

Damn it. There's no way across. Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.

Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old. I don't know about this, Lois. What if something happens to you? I'm too old to start dating again. Ok. Bachelor Number One. I'm an ice cream cone.

And decades later, things have changed indeed We lost the values, but we kept the weed

Ok, Can anybody tell me what the square root of the hypotenuse is when...

What is it? Like Danielle or Dana?

So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too? Do you Have the moral authority to lead? Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign.

Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? We're gonna be here for a while. A while? Yeah, a while.

Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Aren't you a little fat to be a Stormtrooper? Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. Wait, who are you?

There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the 4th grade. The kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris? Now I do. Meg, what's wrong? I was giving Stewie a bath, and...

(SOBBING) Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks. Don't you think it's time to forget about that boy? Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway. You'll find another fella. I could set you up with one of my friends. Oh, wait, I don't have any friends. I could set you up with Dad. Dad, would you be interested in dating Meg?

(GASPS) (GASPS) Horace! You okay? Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! You're out of the base line, by the way. You're out. Game's over. But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. He's dead. (ALL MURMURING)

TOM ON TV: Stay with us as the countdown to doomsday continues with just six more hours to go. The only thing that's nice about this is even though it's a Tuesday, it feels kind of like it's a Friday. Peter, where are you going? Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word.

Which way should we go? I don't know, let's ask the Goonies. Take the left one. Thanks. Hey, Hey, chunk, Chunk, come here, come here.

Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face,

Oh, hey, Brian. You know what would be fun? Oh, God, totally! (ALL EXCLAIMING) BOTH: Awesome!

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do? Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would.

Big deal. You always told me I was a douche. Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again. Hi, I'm looking for Glenn? Oh! What happened to your leg? (CRYING) Damn it, Brian!

Come on. Come on. Go away! We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Hey, there, sweetie.

Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

All right. How about we go around the room and everyone can say... a little something about themselves? Let's start with you there in the front. My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed.

If Meg doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future she'll have? You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat. Shut up! I found this meat!

It was hard for me to begin with,

Lois, I'm scared. Oh, I'll get that. Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh! Oh, God! Boobies! Chris, that's enough. I'm sure glad to be out of there! You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural! Boobies! Did you hear me, young man? I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

What? You thought I was leaving forever and you just said, "Good luck"? What the hell was that? Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade? You know what? Never mind. Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality. Yeah, and someday, when you're ready,

HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP! Ow! Ow! Ow! Brian!

(LAUGHING) She's such an idiot, Brian! She's such an idiot!

Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin. But you came through it beautifully. Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. I love you no matter what size you are. Although, I got to admit, I'm gonna miss eating cereal out of the dimples on your ass. Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.

ANNOUNCER: Coming this fall on Fox, a new reality show, Who Wants to Marry Corky from "Life Goes On"? You won't believe what happened. Come on, guys, let's go! Go? Where are we going? Listen, these new legs have given me my life back. I want to do all the things I could never do when I was handicapped. And you guys are my best friends.

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you.

Uh, Your phone number.

Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s. It shouldn't be in this jukebox. Wait, wait, can I have that record? I love that song. I'll let you have sex with my daughter.

(BUNNIES SQUEAKING)

Doctor? Okay, quit messin' around. Dr. Hartman, this isn't funny.

My God, you're condescending. I'm making a legitimate point about how poorly this family treats me. Brian, you can't say this family doesn't treat me like crap. Don't answer her, Brian, she's just setting you up. (STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right. Well, it's one or the other, Brian. Geez, look at those two. They're goin' at each other like an Italian guy and a black woman.

Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed! I know, she's growing every day. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman. Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam! Unless I'm confusing you with someone else. Nope. That was... That was you. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons.

Yeah, they had me painted. Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my... Hey, how do you think I feel? No, no, that, too, but... It's not all about you, you know. Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing? Look at you. Think I was like a birthday present for the kid or something like that. Oh, my God, look at you. You're-- you're-- you're hot. I know. I would've taken you... You know what I would've done to you back there? Yeah? Why didn't you say something earlier?

Won't be coming from your bum

Brian? Hey, princess. I'll get out of your hair. I can see you want to be left alone. Why does everything bad always happen to me? (CHUCKLES) You and me both. I got this cold. (COUGHS) And it's just in that I-don't-want-to-give-it- to-a-friend stage, you know? (SNIFFLING) Oh, God, you hear that?

CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.C. now CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets of Brazil CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Back in the USSR CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street Don't matter where you are CHORUS SINGERS: Dancing in the street

Ha, Well, see, we're Catholic, so, uh-- oh, Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You. Perfect!

Heh. You know I spoil you. Oh, My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself. Ahh! My device! My teeth! I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not!

Real happiness because we have each other. Yeah.

but there is one thing that terrifies him-- Commitment! Oh, Midge, you're my 3rd best friend in the whole world. 3rd? Who are the first 2? Ben and Jerry. Lifetime, television for idiots. Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?

Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye. Are you gonna take that? Lois!

Oh, Lois! I'm so glad you made it. He's been like this for days. (GASPS) Oh, my God! (GRUMBLING) Cream of Wheat. (MUMBLING) Jeopardy! (MUMBLING) Butterscotch pudding.

Vagina boob. Later, Andy came back with more than two words.

I won't say which one, but in a few moments, one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck.

Who wants chowder? What the hell?

It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society. But I'm gonna be different. I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done. (GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES PLAYING)

(GASPS) It's gone! Where is she, Woods? What'd you do with the body? What body? You know, maybe she wasn't dead.

Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you. There's got to be some way I can make him see that I'm worthy of being his son. About the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat stinking drunk. FRANCIS: Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk.

Whoa! Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.

You think because she did it, it's okay for you? You haven't earned what she's earned, buddy. All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter? I'm so glad to be the real me again. It's too much work being beautiful. Not for me, but it's good to have you back, pumpkin.

Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

Keep playing! Keep playing!

Lois, hug, you got it. Stewie, hug, two in a row. Try for three, Chris? No, high five. Well, that's okay. High five's great, too. Meg, back to the hug. All right. Hugs may win it today. And we close with a handshake.

Tonight you and me party like it's 9. Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's. There have been many great Griffins throughout history, including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt. All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone, but I will lead you to freedom.

You can't be trusted. Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat, "I hate you. "You are a bad man. "And you made me cry. "Furthermore--" Not now, Peter. Meg and I are having a little girl time. Help me! Go on. No boys allowed. Jeez, Lois! Still with the piano?

MAN: Had a lot of help down here, Neil. NEIL: We have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God. MAN: Yeah, if you could just grab some rocks, Neil, throw them in a bag, we'll get you home safe and sound. You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb.

Peter, I don't know how much more I can take. Stewie used to be so independent, but now he just clings to me night and day. I'm exhausted.

Peter, you take that thing back where it belongs immediately. All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney. Allison Janney? QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds expensive. Can't we just do something fun here at the house? It's just as relaxing. Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums. I'll start packing. I'll start packing. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family!

He--He's probably over there waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit. I think those days are over now, Peter. Ah, Hey there. Uh, Hi, Peter. Listen, Joe, about this whole mess-- Hold it, Peter!

Canada is in the world final against Mexico. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (CROWD CHEERING) (LA CUCARACHA PLAYING)

Peter, what are you doing here? I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone.

Bill, he's urinating! Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!

Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell Where is the bell? Wait for the bell Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Mom, guess what? I just found out I got that internship at Mayor West's office.

My purse! Come on, Greg. Let's roll.

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry. Lois, I want my graham cracker...

I don't know. I'm not exactly familiar with this particular Arabian villagE. Stuff for sale! Bad, cheaply made stuff for salE! Hey, Americans. You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt. Camels for sale! This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays.

There's an evil monkey in my closet! "Evil monkey." Right. ahh! This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter. Aw, You deserve it, my beautiful princess.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience. Little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages...

Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate. And then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douche bags. Peter, we got to do something. You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler.

You said we were going to The Price Is Right. Peter, what the hell is this? Mom, what are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom,

Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over. No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car. Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job. I'll be fine. (READING)

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Before anyone gets too worked up, I know where Peter is. Where? I put him in a straight camp. You what? Oh! You bastard! Brian, why did you do that? Well, it's just that you seemed so unhappy and I just wanted to help you get your husband back. Who knows? By now, Peter could be completely heterosexual again.

I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie. Oh, really? Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... (VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Uh. Surgical equipment. Whose is that? Whose is that? Probably belongs to the hospital. Whassat for? Huh? Whassat for? Um. Cutting me open, harvesting my organs and killing me. You gonna go get it? You gonna get it, boy? No, I think, I think the doctors need it. Can we... Can we just lay here? Dr. Hartman, what're you...

I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning.

Lois, our problems are ovER! Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln... Grant... Robert E. Lee. Those are fake!

I'm still mad at you.

(LOIS) George! George? Who the hell is George? George Clooney.

Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time. Yes, Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers. OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot.

Come on, guys, what do you say?

You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off. All right, all right. I tell you what, - you get one free revenge shot at me. - Okay. But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming.

(LAUGHING) I said "inches." - What did I just say? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, look, just relax.

Hi! I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips on blowing up the Death Star. First off, never forget your objective. There are gonna be so many folks coming at you to slow you down, you might feel like you got a bull's-eye on your head. No, but they will be trying to kill you.

Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson. I wasn't yelling. I was just saying-- Oh, You would bring that up. Can't you leave the past where it belongs? Peter, What's wrong with you? BEcausE I've already explained that to you! It was a scavenger hunt!

(SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)

Please let your son get help. Well, I guess through the Lord's will, anything is possible. All right, Lois. Scotty can have his treatment. Oh, thank you! Thank you, and God bless you both!

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo!

PETER: Lois, can you come out here for a second? (GASPS) Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo.

I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself. Lois, what was I gonna do? It was either do it their way or get canceled. Well, at least then you would have had your integrity.

(SIGHS) Hey, Horace, why don't you take that wiener out of your hand and get me a beer. Don't talk to me that way, you son of a bitch! Oh, hey, Peter! Oh, hey. Did you have fun at the game?

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING)

Um, Hi. Can I help you? Yeah, Some company hired me to stand next to you all day, so you'd look better by comparison. That's ridiculous. I don't need-- Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly? Yeah!

My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other wet willies and funny arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt. Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. It was gay! Everyone was!

(THE COSBY SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING) Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail. But first, the winners of this year's costume contest: the A-Team with the real black guy. Sweet! All right! All right!

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Yes, I do. It was Stewie.

Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen. I'm so glad you like it, Chris. Would you like to try? Oh, boy, would I?

And I apologize, but before I go, could I maybe have one last kiss? Well, I guess so. Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMING) Hey!

Really? What do you have to be angry about? Where are my flapjacks? Huh? You will recall, last night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my legs, I spake thusly, "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks."

Well, hi, you guys. I'm so glad you could come over. Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida. Hello, everyone! Hello, Ida. What's that? I made a crumble. Oh, how thoughtful. (SOFTLY) Throw it away in the outside garbage.

Yeah, now you're talking! You make the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them!

Two D's and an F. Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin. But you can call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father.

Jon Benet Ramsey. (STUTTERING) I think. I think that's the guy. What? You're darn right, what. Now, let's get back in there. Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna retire, and that's that! Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here.

Stewie, you don't look so good. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia

Hi, Glenn. How are you? Not great, Lois. I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night. That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.

Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

- You know him? - Somewhat. Good middle-management type. Just blends in with the furniture there. Never really wowed anyone at the office. Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy. Yes. You, too. And if you see Arnie, tell him: He'll know what it means.

Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me. All right, I'll get in on that. Hey, I've already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen. That's an excellent idea. I like The Madness of King George. Well, I don't know what that is,

One time, my friends and I went camping and nobody could start a campfire. And then I tried to start the campfire, and I could. That's insane. Wha... What is going on over here? What... Are we taking our shirts off now? Okay, follow the leader. Come on, Peter, hurry. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Here are tonight's top stories. Oh, she's just so smoking hot! God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at. You bitch! MAN ON TV: We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway.

Peter, no. Come on, huh? All right. Ok. Enough, Batman. I don't want... Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman? Peter! Ahh! Take that! Take that! I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe-- Batman, I can't breathe! Peter!

I got him! Ha, ha, ha!

Look, Chris' school is on T.V. The egg drop-- an annual tradition for junior-high-school science students. But Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High, an egg drop conducted by teacher Randall Fargas seems to have gone horribly, horribly wrong. We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.

(CHILDREN CLAMORING) Why is the ironing board still out?

You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata. Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing.

Dialysis? Is there any other way? Yes, there is. No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. We'll do the dialysis.

Or I will stab you with my very sharp spear. Look, put that down. I'm not going to hurt you. You are my enemy, and I want you off my planet. Want a piece of cracker? I will do anything you say! By the way, I think you're about to start your period. That's how I found you.

Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so many things I didn't do. I never got to go to college! My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!

(DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls. (OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here. But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs? That's not your concern. You didn't see anything.

Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night.

So the guy take the dog into the vet. The freakin' vet tells him, get this, "It's not a dog. It's a rat." A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story. Dad, that's just an urban legend. Hand to God. I'm telling you, it was a huge freakin' rat. 5 times as big as that guy's steak.

Hmm, How shall I put this? In an attic somewhere there's a portrait of you getting prettier.

I do, too! Peter, That was our emergency money,

Sure. All the guys here have been castrated. It's cool. Hey, Do you think that girl is hot? No. Me neither.

Look at that side boob.

Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP!

Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody. (SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves. Well, so what? That's not your problem.

Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there. Well... I suppose it's possible.

What a joke. So stupid. And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding. You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.

All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe. Stewie, you got to get us out of here. If we stay in here much longer, we're either gonna freeze or starve. I know. But I can't reach the device. You try. You're closer to it. Besides, you're stronger than I am. Hey, what was that? Well, you said I was stronger than you.

Under the table right now. I'm out. Peter? Oh, no. What the hell is going on? I sent you to pick up dinner an hour ago. What are you doing with that cutout? You know what, Lois? I'm glad you found out. I can't carry on the charade anymore. I have an announcement to make.

(PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.

Ten dollars? What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants $10? Look, I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do? I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire.

Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

and there's not a policeman in sight. I guess it's up to me. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog Police Force to Cartagena, Colombia, to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder. More on that later.

It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk! I didn't feel anything.

I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one. LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you.

- LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? " don't-- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired.

What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people. Oh.

Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills! Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing? Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? I--I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?

I'm fine? What? Are you coming on to me now?

Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed. Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Isn't this epic, Peter? That DJ has got some mad skills.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? That's Long John Peter to you, porthole. (ALL LAUGHING) Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties! Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days. I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here!

You're why cavemen painted on walls!

Oh, my God, Peter, it looks like there's been a break in. Do you think so?

Damn it. Will you look at these golf shoes? They're all scuffed up. My wife was supposed to polish them, but clearly she forgot. Man, sometimes I just feel like I could just stab her repeatedly. White women, huh? Jewish waiters, too. I got this Jewish waiter one time. It was awful. Didn't tip him. You ever do anything bad to a Jewish waiter?

Let's go to the hospital. Well, Brian, I'm proud of you. You went in there and you stood up for what you believed in. Yeah, now I don't have a TV show anymore. Who cares about that? You made the right choice for your own integrity, and that's what matters. Well, I suppose you're right.

If anyone wants it, it's theirs. Suddenly Life has new meaning to me

A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers. OH--oh, We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot.

There's no point in fighting anymore. We'll leave quietly. Like hell you will. This is our Clam, and we are not gonna let them take it. Yay! All right! All right! Yeah! We love Joe! Swanson, what the hell's going on in here?

Wait, you mean you two used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Aw, No you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds? I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I miss my mom. YEah. Me, too. I also miss my nads. Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too? Sure. The more the merrier. Meg, you have the coolest family. She sure does. Hey, Here's to family!

ANNOUNCER: Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich. Boy, this stinks. It's Friday night and I don't have a date. Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book. (CHORTLES) All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports.

ANNOUNCER: What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. (THUDDING) (ALL GASPING) Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so unfathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers.

Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight? Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice. (EXCLAIMS) I want to go. Well, Peter, if you want, you can have my ticket. What? But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go. Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. (EXCLAIMS) It's not really my cup of tea.

Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together. I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super... (SCREAMING) Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING)

Honey, good news! I made partner! Peter, Bonnie says Joe's been really depressed about that robbery. Why don't you go talk to him? Well, I don't know. There's a game on.

It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude. I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself. That's why there are 50 blank pages.

Hi, there. I'm Peter, and this is Lois. We want to talk to you about a friend of ours. He's not here tonight. Although, you know, he's kind of here, Lois. You know, you're right. He kind of is. Yeah, because he's in our hearts. This is a song about that man and his world that was taken from him.

And it's working. I no longer feel the pain. Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body. Really? That doesn't sound good. Peter, are you winking at me?

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime.

We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about? That's a hell of a catch, Peter. Guys, this is great. Not only will I be able to put food on the table and pay all my bills, I'll also be able to finance my Christmas album.

You must set aside these personal connections and render an impartial and unanimous verdict. Does anyone have any questions? Yeah, is Toblerone the fanciest thing in the world? I just don't understand. How could Uncle Adam do this? He's the mayor of our town. Well, Meg, life isn't always as simple as what they teach you at school.

Gee, I didn't realize working at the store meant that much to her. You know, it would mean the world to her if she could get her job back. And you'd be one terrific brother if you could help her. Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try. Poor Meg. She got a worse deal than that no-armed baseball player, Bucky LaGrange.

You strap her down and then go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd? No, no! Good Lord, this is not 2005. We've come a long way since then. Okay, what? So you go stabbing in there with a laser and you try to zap it out, like burning an ant with a magnifying glass? No, Mr. Griffin.

Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? (ALL LAUGHING)

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW PLAYING) And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, keep your eye on the sky for the aerial acrobatics of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name? Dr. Hartman. Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal".

Damn it. And this is Meg's brother, Chris.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but the cancer is terminal. If you're lucky, you've got two weeks to live. I understand. Oh, my God! Carter's dying? I now declare this hair transplant officially over! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, he's back!

could I do this with a Hula-Hoop?

Hi, gorgeous man. Oh, you. Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend. What.... You.... Girlfriend?

But I sent you away Oh, Quagmire You kissed me And stopped me from shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire God, he's so talented.

So, it's official. Y'all are card-carrying lifesavers. Holy crap, a card with my name on it! I am now Peter Griffin, certified C.P.R.

Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

What are you doing? Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it. Dad, there's a weird bald guy out in front of our house. Oh, that's just Quagmire. He's acting all different now that he's bald. I'll go talk to him. Hey, slow down! Drive like hell, you'll get there!

(MUSIC TINKLING) (CONTINUES TINKLING)

It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world

Oh, my God. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming right now. Of course, Naomi, what did you have in mind? Well, this really isn't the place to discuss it. It's just something I was wondering if you and your husband would participate in. I'm totally dreaming right now. Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants.

Hey, where the hell is Lois? That's weird. Looks like she's coming out of Quagmire's house. Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night, and you sleep with Quagmire?

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)

Peter, we've had complaints from all over town.

It's sneezing powder. (LAUGHING) FAITH: But, f already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale. (LAUGHING) HOPE: lllo wonder thatpriest kept saying, "Bless you. "

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no!

Yeah! Yes, sir!

Oh. Hey. Hey. Playing a little dress-up? Yeah. Yeah, good. It's fun to pretend. Um, So listen, if you see Lois tell her--

PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. Here's your burger, sir. Thank you. Sir, I need another $1.25. Is that right? Keep the change. Road House.

Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. "Today he was out in the yard raking leaves. "God, I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves!" Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all!

Well, what about Cleveland? He's on the road touring with Black Box. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody Well, wait a minute, what about that nice old man who lives up the street?

I paid off a few people and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of. So, it's a show about three hookers and their mom?

You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton.

Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail. And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on? (LAUGHING) You see? I'm part of it! I'm part of it like everyone else! I can't believe they threw me in jail for a quarter ounce of pot. Well, Brian, it's your own fault.

FEMALE VOICE: Final checkpoint. Answer this question. "What is the most unattractive "male first name in the English language?" Keith.

Hey, you started this whole thing. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that! Oh, really? Well, how convenient. You've got a gun right there. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there? Yeah, there are. I lied. Oh, you're so full of crap. Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera.

Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! I miss Uncle Patrick. Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month.

This is gonna be my greatest victory ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin. Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. I don't know. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you?

A monkey that's past his prime. Mmm, This meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes! I'll have what he's having.

Oh! Ahh! Oh. I don't think I like feet as much as you do. Hey, everybody likes feet!

STEWIE: Hello, Meg. (STEWIE GASPS) (STEWIE COUGHING)

Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage?

It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right.

(SCREAMING) Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." Ha! No, but he is our friend.

Yeah. Just come into my office.

Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while.

Honey, I'm sorry I got us kicked out of New quahog. I guess nobody really needs guns. I'm not always right, after all. Oh, Peter. Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up. Where are we gonna go? I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham. All right! Fudgie the Whale!

It's good to have land.

If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet. LOIS: Peter Griffin! All right, Chris, have a seat. Your date will be here any minute.

Cheryl Tiegs. Nice. I really like this restaurant. You seem to like everything. Brian, you're acting a little distant. Yeah, get whatever you want. Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here.

Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh from his apartment above the garage. And sayeth he, "Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle, "though I suffereth from temporary blindness. "And yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,

Damn you all! Victory is mine!

(PHONE RINGING) LOIS: Hello. Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work. It's nighttime. Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. Peter, you get down from that tree this instant.

Is my eye big? Yeah. Good. Good. That means progress.

For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the T.V. since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family? I will, during the commercials. And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials. Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything. You may want to find a better teacher than Peter.

My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham. Perhaps I can't bake a ham. But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore? Peter, I think it's great that you and Chris have been spending so much time together.

(GUN COCKING) Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun. - I don't believe you. - Then shoot me. I will. Do it.

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois? Now we know what to get him for Christmas. I love the holidays. Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control.

ANNOUNCER: Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky. Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V. if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm.

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party! (SCREAMING) No!

Aah! Aah! Kidding! It was A joke! It was a joke!

According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just never quit. (ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)

Peter? (SAWING) Yours are made of a stronger metal. We're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis. (HISSING) Don't look right at it. My STDs help it burn brighter. The keys are in the ignition. Let's go! (ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis.

"Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch? Don't you remember? You gave me writers. "Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, "but when you walk into a bank, "all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!'" That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish. Well, He's only half-Jewish. You're fired.

How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!

Well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago. Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey, Doc. What the hell are you doing here? Your family has something they'd like to say to you. "Brian, I know I don't speak up much "and it's--it's really hard for me "to talk about my feelings, but--" W-Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter? "Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk.

Peter, would you put that away?

All the answers have to do with something here at the school. Yes, I'm sure we're all looking forward to that. Now, unless there is any objection, I move that the board pass this measure.

(NATIVES YELLING)

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you. I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.

All right! Oh, no!

I can't go with you. I just can't. Okay, I'll go. Ow! I said I'd go! Why'd you give me the back of your hand? Because I love you. Wow! I thought you had to be in the NBA to hit a girl in the face. But I guess anyone can.

Get out of the damn car, now! Scream and you're dead! Thanks for the ride, lady! Hey, hey! It's the Griffins! What can I do for you? Glen, we have a family emergency.

What the hell, man? Hurts, doesn't it? What the hell-- Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? You've been kicked in the ... No way! You're gonna be on T.V. Oh, sweet! Oh, my God. Wow! We love that show. Oh, That is awesome. Hey, hi. You're on it.

(LOUD POUNDING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard. I always knew you were low, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell, man?

Ok, funcakes, let's do a scene. Ok, uh, Stewie, how about you and, uh, Let's see, one of our veterans. Um, Olivia. I'm not doing a scene with him! He's inexperienced! He'll drag my whole performance down! Are you serious? Is she serious?

Ugh! Oof! Ahh! Ahh!

You gonna go get it? You gonna get it, boy?

STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right, you can do this, Stewie. Here we go. Ahhh! (THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

Hey. What are you doing up here? Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Oh, my God! It's you! The man or woman who's been killing everybody! Stay back. Stay back.

Look, if my happiness means so little to you all that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke, then you really disappoint me. Look, Brian, I apologize for the other night. We were all very insensitive. And if this is what you want, we as a family support your decision. I don't. I'd rather you marry a... (STAMMERING)

Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news. Tell me. Tell me. I met someone. What? You did? Oh, my God! Glenn, he's amazing. I couldn't be happier. Really? What's his name? QUAGMIRE: No!

Griffin! What the hell are you doing in my house? Well, I was getting ready to watch a movie on your big TV, but first I thought I'd use your hot, bubbly toilet. That's not a toilet! Hey, when's it go down, by the way? It's just doing a lot of loop-de-loops. Get the hell out of there, you son of a bitch! Oh, no, no. No, you don't get to talk to me like that anymore. Not unless you want me to blab about what happened on the yacht.

(TRUMPET BLEATING) Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery.

Yup, he's the chairman of the soccer ball team. Well, all right. Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg. (LAUGHING) You little liar!

Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire

Brian, I love it! I'm going to call you Stickyhead. I love you, Stickyhead. Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

What do you want to order? Oh, wait, let me guess. Him. (LAUGHING) He got you, Stewie! Well, um, if it were you, you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it, 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid, and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback.

Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.

Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. Ahh! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark.

My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be a phony! A big, fat phony! What'd them Rebels do anyways?

Mary Magdalene. And who was she? A prostitute. Which means, if they had cameras back then, I bet she would have done a porno. (ALL CLAMORING) And if she did, I know that Jesus would have forgiven her.

Don't mind me, you guys. I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. "Dear my boyfriend. Thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. "That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me "were really pretty, just like you said I am. "Love, Meg."

So, what happened? What happened is this one's a hero, is what happened. Rescued two children from a burning building. Can you imagine? Not quite in time, they were both horribly burned. They have that sort of creme brulee face going on now, but he saved their lives. Oh, my God, Brian. I know, right? So noble.

(SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay. Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years, but that's gonna change. It's gonna be different from now on. And I'm gonna make you into a better person, starting first thing tomorrow.

undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy.

I mean, doesn't that mean anything? No, not to West, that ungrateful bastard. It wasn't that aide that got stabbed in the back, it was me!

By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop.

2nd of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

That's idiotic! But it just might work. What?

This is an actual picture from the book. (MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?" Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those.

Oh, my God! I'm communicating with nature! Uh, uh, hey, uh, Tree, if one of you falls and there's no one around, do you make a noise? Are you kidding? Scott fell last week. He hasn't shut up about it since. Sure. Stand there and bitch! But would any of you take the time to help me? Ooh, ooh. I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott.

- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think. All my new lesbian friends accept me, and that's all that matters. Meg, you're my daughter. I would accept you if you were gay or blind or retarded, but you're not.

And there they saw a rock But it wasn't a rock it was a rock lobster

Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God! That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane.

Uh, I did not. So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? My goodness! You'll be dead within a month. BOTH: What? Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here. What? I got, like, 60 keys. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (TIRES SCREECHING)

I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!

One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

Isn't this epic, Peter?

Her first steps? Yeah. What the hell are you doing in here anyway? All right! Her first drum solo. Well, Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party. I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?

(GIGGLING) (CONTINUES GIGGLING)

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it?

Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal.

Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game?

Step right up. Step right up. You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam. What a rip-off. It's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.

Come on, buddy, you're leaving. No, I can't let Jasper down. (GUN COCKING) I'm not going to let you sign that. Go on, get out of here. I should warn you, I have a tiny bullet-proof shield, the exact size of a bullet, somewhere on my body.

even if it's just for a week. (PETER'S PHONE RINGING) My name is Cleveland Brown and I am proud to be... Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone. Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you. Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can. Hello, Lois. Peter, where the hell are you? You told me you were gonna clean out those boxes in the basement and put them in the attic.

HOPE: lllo wonder thatpriest kept saying, "Bless you. " (LAUGHING)

Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. (SPITS)

Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is.

Why not? Loretta, I came over here wanting to believe that there was still a chance for us. But on the way, I passed a lake, skipped a few rocks and had some black-guy thinking time. Loretta, we leave certain parts of our lives in the past for a reason.

And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah. I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat. And that's why you like him so much.

So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

WoW! You know, Peter, I actually had a good time with you tonight. And I just want to say... Well, I'm glad you married my daughter. Oh, Thank you, Jesus. Oh, Actually, it wasn't me. It was-- No, no. It's ok. I'm used to it.

Oh, yes, the new fellow. Come on in. What exactly am I supposed to do? You'll pick up the phone and you'll sell, sell, sell. But before you go thinking it's all seriousness... the first Friday of every month is Wacky-Tacky-Tie Day... so, you know, start thinking up some fun tacky ties to wear.

Oh, wow! We--We should go. Do you want to... You want to go see Mamma Mia? Peter, could I speak to you over by the door? Good as new. Oh, come on! I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever.

But you know you shouldn't think that way because of the sexual-harassment meeting You all had to go to Seriously, how lame was that?

All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. ThAnk you. HA, Thank you. Thank you. Ahem, Thank you. Ya, Thank you.

You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

Yeah. Yeah, Lois. Everything's fine. You guys having a little breakfast? Yes, and Jerome made scones. Would you like one? Oh, they're delicious! I thought maybe later today, we could all... (COUGHING) (CHOKING) Oh, my God! Mom's choking! Out of the way! I'm an EMT.

I mean, what's the purpose.... Shiny red ball. Peter, watch out!

Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be... Um... You need to... Um... Uh... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on. Um... Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him.

What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms. Check, please.

I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day.

Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning. Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this.

PETER: I've never tried to make conversation with just Joe before. This is brutal. JOE: Come on, Joe, you're losing him. Think of something. This was your shot. Two thirds of the planet is water. Yeah. PETER: Two thirds of the planet is water? This guy's okay.

I see, and does the sedan protect against missiles? It does not. You hear that, Meg? Yeah, it does not protect against missiles. See, these are the questions. This is why I'm here. Peter, you can't be serious. This is a 30-ton war machine. I'm still not sure. Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold.

Get lost. If I give you $5,000, will you tell me I matter?

Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex. Uh, Peter, that wasn't, uh-- You know, for a large, heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass. That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy. What was that? Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.

Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks.

Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.

It was easy. I just followed the instructions. I couldn't find the English ones. These are in Latin and those stuffy Ivy League professors won't help me. (CHUCKLING) - Nullum gratuitum prandium, Peter? Yeah? Why don't you catch a football, you nerds? Nerds. No, I just read the back, where it's printed in French. You speak French?

Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's. But first in medical news, Dr. Elmer Hartman, beloved family doctor to all of Quahog, is the target of a molestation lawsuit. The trial is set to begin tomorrow. We now return you to Native American What's Happening!! Hey, Rerun, you see Dwayne?

(BOTH GIGGLING) Peter, have you seen this tuition bill? Morningwood Academy is charging us $30,000. Well, looks like we're all gonna have to take second jobs. I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back, selling buttscratchers at the ballpark. Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher! Get your buttscratcher here!

Sorry, my mistake. Oh, My God, it's Ethan Hawke! Mom, can we go get some food? Oh, My God, there's Malcolm in middle!

You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet. We were sailing along On Moonlight Bay We could hear the voices singing They seemed to say uh, Sorry. I don't do dog shows.

You got something new to write about now, you know. Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak. Something like what you've just been through. Draw from a real-life experience.

And since you can see, why don't you tell me how these look? Uh... They look pretty damn great.

I don't want to talk to her. She's gonna harass me. Oh, don't be such a baby! I'm sorry, Angela, Peter can't talk. He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture. What? (LAUGHS) He's writing your name in the shower door fog with his penis. Give me that. Why are you calling me at home? I want to hear you breathe.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, yes. Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones. Pee-yew! Not that, the balloon! Oh, yes. The balloon. Let's take it.

And--And by special, I don't mean special like that Klinemann boy down the street. More special like--like Special K, the cereal. Hey, What did they do with the regular K? And for that matter, whatever happened to Kaye Ballard? Y-You know, if you said "mallard" and you had a cold, it would sound like "Ballard". Do you listen to yourself when you talk? I drift in and out.

Name-dropper. Hey, Perez Hilton. How you doing, bitch? Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch. - What's new, bitch? - Nothing, bitch. Cool, bitch. Bitch. Wow, I can't believe I'm really here. Who would've thought, me, Peter Griffin,

I can't believe it. We lost everything. What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery. Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again. We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month. Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle.

Let us "Eh." "Eh."

"Guess what? Chicken butt."

Yeah, people are starving in Africa,

Everybody, this is Tina. What happened to you? How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up?

Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say?

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

You're an old man. You don't understand the young people. You're right. I'll change from now on.

Point of mustache. The chair recognizes your mustache. What can we, as citizens, do about mustache awareness? Good mustache question. We have a new product in our mustache catalog that makes a great stocking stuffer. We call it the Must-Stash. The slogan is, "You must stash "your Must-Stash in the mustache." That'll be all for today. Good mustache. ALL: Good mustache.

First time? Yeah. You? (CHUCKLES) No. No, not my first time.

Wow. Um... No guy has ever said anything that nice to me before. Well, maybe you've been hanging around with jerks. Yeah, maybe I have. Hey, forget the pep rally. You want to go see a movie? Cool. Maybe we could go see that Chazz Palminteri/Paul Sorvino movie, Distracting Trumpet.

will you, Tom Tucker? No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like. Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman! Go back and Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! Yes, sir.

(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome!

So, Brian, I see you're enjoying that cup of joe. I thought you'd like it. What, you made the coffee? Created it, yeah. Oh, for God's sake... Stewie's... For Stewie's sake.

Is Mr. Quagmire babysitting all these people, too? Hey, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together. Hey, You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you got "fine" written all over you. Hey there. I don't wanna come between you.

(PETER SCREAMING)

Uh-huh. I'm so sorry about your father keeping us. He's probably down at the dock tinkering with that darn yacht of his. That's okay, Mom. We'll just have to entertain ourselves for... Hey, Babs, settle something for us. I wanted to bring an owl on this trip, but Lois wouldn't let me. Could you have accommodated an owl? Well, I suppose there's some room in the owlery,

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit. Brian, it gets worse. Look. Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So?

You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenaDeS! Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. Oh, You just want your toy back.

You ha ve James Woods

Really? What's his name?

If only I had listened to you, none of this would've happened. You were my real friend all along. I'm sorry. It's okay, Chris. Sometimes the only way to really appreciate what you have is to see what life is like without it. And there's nothing I appreciate more than your friendship.

No, No, Lois. The janitor'll do that. tom, I'm getting word that the quahog School Board has just dismissed Randall Fargas, effectively ending his 32-year teaching career. What? They can't do that! Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced. in other news, Betsy Lebeau, A candidate For School Board President announced today she's pulling out of the race.

Got to make you understand Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around...

Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up! Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game. Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, My God! Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! - Look, buddy, I--i-- - Move! A-All right. Just take it easy, Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man.

Is that right? Keep the change. Road House. (SCREAMS) Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap!

Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter. ta familia Griffin. Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you. Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. Grandpa! Hello, everyone. Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell. You can read me like a book.

Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey, This guy's a great big phony. Come on, Chris. Ahh! Oh, There you are, StEwie. Hey, You're a great big phony. You know that? Hey, Come on, Stewie.

But I remember it so-- It was a dream! Mom, Can you sign this for my field trip? Sure, sweetheart. Meg, you have a wart! Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house? It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend. See, it was lunchtime...

Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you, sir. Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

- Bye, Mom. - Bye! All right, kids. Have a good day at school.

"Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

Where do you think you're going?

Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore. And they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes. What--What did you do with the old bras? Okay. Got to time this just right.

ah, Isn't this exciting? Hey, Anyone got a light? Thanks. Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists. Well, hey there, Griffins! Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise! Don't tell me you're K.I.S.S. freaks, too?

Well, if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good, Brian. Yeah, right. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen. (SIGHS) I hope he finds faith of some kind. You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter. Next time around, we're gonna get ourselves a big, tall, pie-eating dog, Lois.

Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. - All right, Brian. - Good. Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! Government came and took my baby.

I found a rock I like. Griffins, I don't know how to thank you. We never would have made it without your help. Oh, you would've done the same for us. There are more important things than a petty rivalry.

What? (YAWNS) Sorry, I was out of it. Wait, are we being robbed? Peter, I know I told you about Jerome. Lois, I would have remembered if you had told me that. I told you, Peter. I remember exactly what we were doing.

Come on. Come on. Go away! We now return to.... Mmm -mmmh. Mmm -hmmm. Mmm -hmmmh.

where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...

(HELLO PLAYING) Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

Lois, I'm gay. Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex? No! But, Peter, we're married. Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married. Ronald Reagan was married.

I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot! (ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party. And what did you do? Drank at the stag... Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I almost walked right into that one. God!

You can't take my husband! Mother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our gueST! Won't you join us for dinner, DEATH? Oh, no. I don't want to bE A boTher. Hey, Is that turkey? Yes, Death. We were in the middle of a turkey dinner, to celebrate Peter's good health. OH, Do you mind?

Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors all messed up? I can fix this. Line up the two corners, red next to yellow... Oh, fuck it! PETER: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith?

Lois, look over there! Run!

- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (DOOR BANGING) QUAGMIRE: Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?

and I respect you for raising them. But may I ask you a question? Okay. Have you ever read anything I've written? Well, no, I haven't. But I've read things other people have written about the things you've written, and I do not approve of the things I've read from others about the things they've read from you. Not one bit, sir. For crying out loud, Brian, read my book. Judge for yourself.

Where did you get that shirt? Neil's giving them out. Hello, lover. Neil! What are you doing? I'm not your lover! I don't even like you! Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut. Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us!

Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial, but I think we can get through it. Me, too, Lois. It's just going to take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I better clear the air with Clinton. Hey, listen, Bill, you and I need to have a talk. Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Listen, you just got to give me more time... Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man. Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry. You okay? (GRUNTING)

Needless to say, something must be done. Perhaps we should ask the chairman. Good idea. Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident. You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders.

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No!

Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again. You're making us so happy. Well, I wish my husband felt the same way you do, but he's just gonna have to accept it. Now, Mrs. Griffin, you should understand, a procedure like this is not without its risks. For example, here's what happened when we fertilized an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt.

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop!

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What? Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store,

And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey!

(GARBLED SINGING) ...the fields of gold Hey, buck up there, sport. At least you gave it your all.

I can't believe Horace is dead. I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up.

The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees are Ron Jones, Walter murphy, and John Williams.

Poor bastard's more upset than I was when I read Curious George Goes to His Gym Coach's Apartment. Monkeys aren't supposed to drink chardonnay! He's tricking you! Get out of there!

(PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

Oh, my God. Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? undefinedA rare miss. " don't think that was a sketch, Peter.

Well, we could do something. Like what? Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl. Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? Brian, that's sick. She's 16! I'm eight. I don't know. You killed my brother. You owe me. All right. I'll see what I can do.

Y-You know, I don't think he's hurt. I'll get to you in a moment, sir. All right, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. - Sir? Sir? - No! What the hell is wrong with you? I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot!

In the CatDog, when the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And vice versa? Oh, God. That's some kind of living hell. That's some kind of living hell, Brian.

So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh? What do you mean? I mean crying and wetting yourself. You looked ridiculous. You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead. How was your bowel movement, Peter? I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker.

Hey! What the hell are you doing? I just don't think we should be too hasty. I mean, we have a unique opportunity to study alternate universes in depth. Brian, give me the damn device! Give it! No! Give it! Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it! Come on, give it! Come on! Come on! What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir,

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy

(SOBBING) Oh, God!

How many women just like you Have silent schemes? How many men like me Do they sleep with in their dreams?

And I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice that Kevin made. No, Brian, I do not understand Kevin's choice, and I do not support it. Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny.

Did you have sex with my daughter? Peter, trust me, it's not happening. (SIGHS) All right. Good. Yeah, she's really making me work for it. Maybe you could talk to her. Well, I'll try, but sometimes she can be as stubborn as a mule.

Oh! Crap, Peter, it's a flash flood! Oh, man, I better save my autographed picture of Dean Cain. You know, from before he got all desperate for attention. Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here!

Patrick? Where did he go? He was just right here. What happened? Damn it! He must've gotten away! How is that possible? I don't know, but I'd better make it look like there was a struggle. Someone punch me in the face. I'm a good friend to you.

(BIRDS CHIRPING) ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Blind Justice. (ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife.

This is the kinda mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... blows! Uh...

So, I, Peter Griffin, will be playing one free round of golf tomorrow with the one and only O.J. Simpson. What? Peter, you can't play golf with O.J. Simpson. He's a murderer. You sound just like Lois. No, no, Joe. I don't believe you. Yeah? Well, say that after a soul-searching walk around town to Dust in the Wind.

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull.

Well, tonight we're doing facials.

Like the other night, I had to go to your book club meeting. Well, I really admired the mother character's admission of personal torment after her daughter's death. I--i disagree. I felt a total lack of ethical integrity in her readiness to abandon her children and start a life of her own. Ah, Here's another thing: The book can also be

All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987. ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING) It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head.

And I'll always turn it down because money just complicates everything. We don't need money because we have each other. Happiness isn't about buying expensive things, it's about being together.

If I remember correctly, this is the Physics Department. That explains all the gravity. I say, it's like the spice rack in my fantasy kitchEN.

He must know somethin' Oh, my God! Mom, look. They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall. Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine.

Fray The letter A The A, the A The letter A Thank yay! (ALL GROANING) Oh, no! Not again! We're about to do Jedi, aren't we?

That was a lovely service, Francis. Super. And only 3 more hours till school. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?

MAN: I don't think that's a real nurse. Just hold still. Pretend you're at the vet. Vet? I hate the vet! (BARKING) There's a dog in here! Yes! Okay? There's a dog in here. I'm a dog! (ALL GASP)

Next up is Meg Griffin, sporting her stylishly cool, brand-new-- Oh, Meg! A woman from Child Services came and took Stewie! She said we fed him dog food! Dog food, huh? Meg, Is that a real Prada bag? How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress in one week?

- Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING)

Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room. Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! Who is it? I got it! - Morning, Peter. - Hey, Joe. Bonnie and I are having company tonight. Wondering if I could borrow some wet food. Yeah, sure thing. That's Joe. He's our local human catcher.

Here's my plan. I'll distract Lois while you steal money from her purse. Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (LAUGHING) (BABBLING) Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw!

Not likely. Hey, what if I just drank this whole bottle of ketchup? (GLUGGING) (CHUCKLES) Can you imagine? You dare me? Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup. So, how's the flying business? Not so great. The economy's sort of taking its toll. Lot of salary cuts. A lot of layoffs. Yeah?

Just gonna take this. Thank you. What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something.

a seagull will get you!

Oh, my God! What am I gonna... Somebody help! Help! help!

I never even knew you liked boats. Hey--Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather, Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi. What did you just call me? I--i--I thought that was your name. That is our word! You've got no right using it! Hey--hey--hey, I'm cool. I'm cool. No problem.

Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

Ahhh! Get out of here, you little bastard. I knew this was the right thing to do. Hup! No. I just got a big tax refund. Uncle Sam sent me $500. I got $600! I got $850! I got a rock.

Now, about that sedan... (EXCLAIMS) Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game. We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot. Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank.

Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do. You bastard.

(GRUNTING) (BUS HORN BLARING) (BOTH GASPING) Oh, no. I have chateau'ed myself. (GROANS) Damn it. He died before he could tell us anything.

Holy crap! I'm Sorry. Did that hurT? No. But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard! What the hell is going on out herE? Um... AcTually, I, uh, I, uH... Actually, hE--He wanted to ask you something. Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee?

And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want. (EXCLAIMS) Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle. You had your chance and you blew it. Well, now you're too late.

Kids, we're home. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. You guys remember Jeff? Sure. Lois, I'm gonna borrow your Mace. Ah! That's better. So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?

Just done it so much, I'm bored with it, that's all. All right, I guess we're doing this. Whoa. BOY: Come on down, Stewie! (HAWKS SCREAMING)

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois.

Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now. Wait a minute. How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances. You haven't answered my question! Why the hell does Stewie look like this? Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids. And you listened to him? Yeah. I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere. (EXCLAIMS)

Thank you. Would you like to come inside for a cupcake and a glass of wine? Shut up, old man. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter.

Who said thaT? Peek-a-boo! I see you! You're getting warmer. Where are you? What do you wanT? Freedom! What do you want? I want to get the hell out of herE! Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.

This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all. My--My nephew drew my portrait. It doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, Look at the nose. It's all-- Will you just tell us about Peter's tests? Ok, Ok. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.

and that you forget about, the second you leave the theater. I think Bradley would be perfect for that! Are you sure? Because we really need somebody who constantly seems like they're about to be big, but keeps not actually being big. Well, he'd really want to see the script, but I mean, that's what Bradley does. I don't know, we really need somebody, who has not been the best thing in anything he's ever been in, ever.

Oh, it is so good to see all of you. How is everything at home? Oh, It's horrible, Lois. I've had to do all the things that you usually do. Like the other night, I had to go to your book club meeting. Well, I really admired the mother character's admission of personal torment after her daughter's death. I--i disagree.

Wow, you're really good at this game. Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours on Menstrual Miss Pacman. - What? What? - Jeez. Nothing. Bitch. So, have you seen Ghostbusters?

Now Mr. Griffin, would you like to begin? Ok. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to make a concession or 2. Very good, Peter. First, I will return Joe's pool. Oh, You got that right! But, In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends. No!

Where is this girl? Where is she? We keep girls upstairs. I hope you burn in hell along with the guy who came up with stuffing a turkey. Hey! Who wants to try some of my butthole bread?

Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. So they revoked your C.P.R. card, huh? Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated. Oh, Don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain.

No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight. - (ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME - PLAYING)

It was just one of those crazy things that sort of happened after a few drinks.

Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God!

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS) ...in spite of the fact that your people control a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth, and in all likelihood are probably responsible for starting every major war since the dawn of... Dude, again with this? What's your problem? Who's in the bush? MAN: Mind your own business, you filthy Jew!

Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious. Maybe he's just sleeping. Is Stewie in here? Yes. Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner. Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier.

(DRUNKENLY) Hey, hey, that's the guy. That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls.

Am I any worse than Mary Magdalene? And more importantly, are you all better than Jesus? I'm better than Jesus. Okay, yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus. But the rest of you... The rest of you need to accept the fact that I made a simple mistake.

(MIMICKING ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, what's up with you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING )

LOIS: I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know,

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO) You and I will settle down In a cottage built for two Dear little buttercup

Well, well, I think we've found our killer. Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine! I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself. Well, maybe it did. I didn't murder anybody. Tell it to Mike Judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is. She could've planted that there.

Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid. A reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos. Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh from his apartment above the garage. And sayeth he, "Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle,

I'm totally dreaming right now. Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants.

Shut up and do it. (WHIMPERING) It's very close, Peter. It's grazing your hairs. Come on, Peter. Sir Ian McKellen does this. You can do this. Here we go. Here we go.

Nice to meet you all. (CHUCKLES) You sound like the crab from Little Mermaid. I had crabs once. It's awful.

Do you believe in anything? Uh, yeah. Didn't you see my Cabala bracelet? What's Cabala? About $1.75. Honestly, I have no idea. I'm just a slave to trends.

Uh, Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room. You're Mel Gibson? Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English. Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!

Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No. Yeah, well, you know, take that.

I think it's all the T.V. we watch. There's so much violence.

I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

Mom, I can't believe you came out of that belly.

Hey, you seen Reggie around? Which one is Reggie? Oh, today he's wearing yellow pants, uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes. Uh, he's got a gold tooth, diamond earring. Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story.

- Hello, there. - Hello. Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink. Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some of the local points of interest. There's one right below the table. Oh, my! You're very bold. Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct.

I thought I made it clear that you are no longer welcome here. You know, I've been coming to this church for years. I've heard all the stories. Who did Jesus hang around with? Mary Magdalene. And who was she? A prostitute. Which means, if they had cameras back then, I bet she would have done a porno. (ALL CLAMORING)

To the can, because kissing you made me barf. What? Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it!

It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived.

There's no sign of them anywhere. Meg? Chris? Brian? They're gone. I'm all alone. I can do whatever I want! (CHUCKLES) I'm going to take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart."

What? (LAUGHS) He's writing your name in the shower door fog with his penis.

TOM: I don't care, Son. I just do not care.

It's about staying vigilant until you're needed. What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. Bonnie's your wife. I know. I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night.

I don't know. You think of something. Well, I have no idea! So, you invented a time machine, but you can't get us out of a safe? Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini. Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor. I'm uncomfortable. You have to change me.

It seems today that all you see

Yeah, Yeah. Uh, Apparently you--you can do that. Give me the damn phone! Little fella's sound asleep. But I'll give him that kiss for you. You suck! See you in 3 days.

Mom, this is so lame. Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured.

That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No! Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes. I didn't take my sneakers off I'm still Sneakers O'Toole

All right, past. Here I come. Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

it looks like you managed to keep me around a little longer. I assure you, I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sight. Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Oh, yeah, they totally would, but look, I still want to go home, Stewie. How do we get out of here? Well, if I overload the return pad's reactor, it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe, but it's too risky. But it could get us home. Well, maybe, but it'll break my thing. And if I overload that reactor, we could both die. Well, you at least have to try.

Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop.

And if you say "That's what she said,"

Uh, what? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward. Um, okay.

I promise, it'll never happen again. I hope not, Mrs. Stevens. Because next time we won't just take him away, we'll kill him. Let's see. Stanley, Starkweather, Stevens!

You're a McDonald, not a whore! I think I got a wave here! Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.

They're on the carpet!

Are you sure? I thInk--think I did. All right. Well, just to be safe, oh! We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin on the approach of Hurricane Norman. Here with an update is Greg, the Weather Mime. Ok, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold,

I mean, I kind of want to explore this universe. Oh, you like role reversal? Okay. Wait. What are you doing? (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Come on! Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop.

PETER: "Dear Cary Elwes,

I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time. No, you imbecile!

laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Also, I've been under the weather lately, so it may not be my best work. "Shape up or show me your balls." (CHUCKLES) That's good. Really?

and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and... (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! I know that sound! It means there's a potential intruder at the front door or one of my pals! Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello! Hello. My name is Blake Carrington.

(GASPS) A-ha! Daddy! Just as I thought! Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here. Daddy, you're the embarrassment. Nate and I love each other! Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail! Run!

(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!

We're here! Thank God. Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! Happy birthday!

Oh, Man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth grader. You don't want to hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

Well, I locked you in a wooden crate and forgot to put an air hole in it. Forgot to put an air hole in it. Well, you kind of had it coming. Look, Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet. Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started. Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell. And now you're gonna pay for it.

This is even worse than the other one.

but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?

We are cooking. Cooking, cooking, cooking. Now, all right.

Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes? (LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys?

DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap. Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight? Gee, I don't know. I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex. Actually, I won't be a standup comic, I'll be more like an amorphous-blob comic. I gotta write that one down!

Still twice yours, Joyce. Our top story tonight, Quahog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend. So head on down before the gays turn it into a cruising ground like they did the Barnes & Noble upstairs coffee bar, which they had to close. Well, I'm just happy Tom got his job back. But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend, Chris. That's okay, Dad. Yeah, Chris, I never asked you.

No, Meg, stop it. God, this is getting too weird. I can't be your boyfriend. In fact, I don't even think I can be your friend. Kent, wait! We can totally be friends. We can go shopping together. And I like musicals. I've even seen the latest Tony Award-winning piece of crap. If more people join in

And this is Peter. Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What are you feeding this gal, huh? Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off? It's a pleasure, Peter. My daughter is quite taken with you. And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at this, huh? Show us front and back there, Lois. Yeah, Don't think I don't know where that comes from.

Welcome to eighth grade orientation, everyone. Locker assignments will be handed out in the library after lunch period. if you have any questions about your locker assignments or your class schedule, please come... We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man.

Oh, I get it. That-- That's kind of funny. Yeah. Can I have a copy of Jugs?

if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself. Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to... Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown. Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of "S"...

Now, you are welcome to be a part of that, or not. I'm just telling you what's gonna happen. Well, thanks for nothing, Dad! Don't mind him, Monkey. He's just a big disappointment. Like things that look like DVDs from far away. (GASPING) DVDs! Oh, books.

Come on in! Welcome, GriffinS! Oh, uh, uh, We must be early. Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists.

They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) All right, look. Let's get one thing straight, Stewie. The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on.

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.

(GROWLING) The reign of Henry VIII. Did you enjoy what I just did for you, sire? Yes, very much so. Wow, when this is over, I am definitely keeping her head. Joseph Smith discovering the Book of Mormon.

All right, let's do it. Both of you are under arrest for prostitution. It's not prostitution. You paid her to have sex. No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno.

Tonight the baby-sitter comes, Rupert.

But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me. And I had to sleep with my mother for a week. I am quite finished. Peter, if you want to ride that roller coaster, you're going to have to go on a diet. A diet, huh? All right, well, how's that work? Well, I suppose you can start by keeping a food journal, like Quagmire does. Yeah, in fact, I got it right here.

Okay, Wedge, take out the power station.

(CROWING) (CROWS)

(IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Peter! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? ALL: No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy?

"The lightning bolt that..." (GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to you!

Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl who loves abortion as much as you do. That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy. Oh, things will work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911. MAN: You think it's easy working all day?

Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking. No, I think I can communicate with her better. She's only gonna get the gist of what you're saying. Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me? No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.

Well, screw that. You take a bus. I'm that kind of drunk. Shotgun.

You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother. Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here? Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun?

You know what? This is what I want our empire to be about. The first television broadcast. (PLAYING SERENE TUNE)

You've tested positive for nymphomania. Oh, no! What should I do? Take two of these and call us in the morning. (UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus.

You know, whatever's on. Look, Peter. It's your favorite show. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois. There's only one show I want to see. It's a little something I call Make Every Day Count,

You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done.

I give up. We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever. A fate worse than death. Seriously, we may as well just be dead. You know what, Peter? That's not true. In the time we've spent together, I've learned something. When you're rich, you don't own your possessions, your possessions own you. Oh, Carter, darling!

But, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you gotta do something. The potholes ain't getting fixed no more. The stoplights ain't working. Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations. (ALL GROAN) Make it blue. That's always been the deal! You show whatever you want, but you make it blue! Come on. You got to help us out. CARTER: Go to hell.

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

Free the beast! Ha! Ah! Ya! That was strangely arousing.

Kill me! Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that! Let go. Chris, Give me the remote. - Chris, stop! - Stop doing that! My hat! Wear it now.

Well, It's obvious. You know, Lead with strength,

Not till we've searched the place. (GASPS) You guys?

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in.

I don't know, Franz seems like such a nice old man. You know, maybe we should just invite him for dinner and clear this whole thing up. Yeah, you know, we got no right passing judgment without getting to know him. Isn't that right, Scottish chipmunk? Yeah, he doesn't talk, but he's a chipmunk, and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.

I mean, you know, back me up... Oh, and the economy, right? Back me up on this, you know? (YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint. I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes.

and the fact of your firm young body commingling with... withered flesh,

Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, you know, I went into a store last week and they wanted $800 for a TV, but I us'ed them down to $500. (SCREAMING) It's not a charade, Mom. I am a lesbian.

All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you!

Ahh! There he is. Hands up, Griffin. You're coming with us. H-h-hang on. I want to see what they do with this jackass. Hands up! Oh, My God! Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! That's it! Ugh! Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good.

Time to lose some weight, dearie. No more comedy.

(LOUD CHEERING)

Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now. Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much.

Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No! Run away from the light! Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?

Only one. But--But that man over there got 2! Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. I hate you! Hey, what's that sound? You're urinating!

Wow! That is awesome, Lois! Your bum looks like an NBA guy's arm.

- Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. Why's Limbaugh coming here? Don't they have bookstores at the Nazi fascist...

Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian. Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance.

I'm sorry. This has expired. You son of a-- Ahh! Oh! Ugh! Ah!

Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me.

your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.

- I did good, Meg? - Shut up.

I know the guy that owns this place! What? I said, I know the guy that-- Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song. Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need.

Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology.

I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg. I know where it is. It's in your butt. No. Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt. Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it. Nope, in your butt. Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor.

Look, there's a Persian igloo that takes up the whole lot. My children are teaching your children to smoke at school. (CRACKING) What was that? I don't know. (LOUDER CRACKING) You know, I think it's my back.

Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Everything's fine, Everything's fine. Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. Yeah, Yeah. Uh, Apparently you--you can do that. Give me the damn phone! Little fella's sound asleep. But I'll give him that kiss for you. You suck! See you in 3 days. Let's go.

Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet,

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ? Yes.

No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out. "P.S. Your vagina is in the sink."

He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards. Some will win

Oh, Peter, you are the height of just- too-mucheriE. WEll, Laugh all you want. But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know what? you know what? I bet you run into those 2 dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. And You're not gonna know which one is which, And it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me.

Look at those morons and their stupid glasses. Oh, man. I hate those guys.

Dude, you gotta introduce me to that black chick.

I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me I feel awful saying it,

That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track! There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad. Should I follow the knight into the dungeon, or should I go back the way I came? I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37.

One nipple! (LAUGHS) Two nipples! (LAUGHS) Three nipp... Oh, hell, no, I'm out of here.

You know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable.

Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian. Yeah. If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were because we're out.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom and Jerry, The Final Episode. So, that's it? That's it. This is so much easier. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. What do you want me to do with the body? I don't care. Throw it in the garbage. Do you want any of his oversized mallets? I will take a mallet. (CELL PHONE RINGING)

One, two, three, four I'm dancing from my vagina One, two, three, four I'm grinding, I'm grinding Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes And we're done You do 20% that, and we got a movie.

We got to get you back on track. Isn't that right, buddy? (GRUNTING) Look, it's working! Okay, good. So, feral Peter, why don't you put in tape number two and let's get started. Don't listen to that Peter! That Peter is a liar!

They shine like sunny weather And they're close enough together

" like.... You're very pretty. 0h, thank you.

Ugh! Ugh! Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down. I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinneR. Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat! Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat! Dad, nobody gives things away for free. That's not true. I know plenty of people who give things away.

Do I take it out or do I leave it in?

Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down on my way to give a speech about how T.V. keeps families together. Would you like to hear it?

Hey, Quagmire, it's just a game. Take it easy. I'm not gonna take it easy! These guys are going down! You're going down in front of all these people! All right, Lois, it's all up to you.

Mom's gonna get whacked?

What the deuce?

That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad. Okay, four pizzas and a salad. Salad? How do you make a salad? First, you throw in the whole head of lettuce. Even the hard-to-eat white part at the bottom? That's what the people want! Now, what else? I got a can of whole black olives. Should I slice them up?

That's curious. I didn't realize your mother was a Holocaust survivor.

Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois.

Oh. Well, I just have a few questions about your return.

Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable! Lois, I promise you, everything's fine.

(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer. And Leia's getting larger.

we have to enter the other realm and get him ourselves. Lois, I told you it ain't safe. I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with Dick Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

(BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(CROWD CHEERING) One! Two! Three! Did you know where the Ukraine was because of my globe? No, I saw it in a book.

But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Aw, just Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get.

Well, then I'll tell you who you should really be praying for. Out-of-work clowns. I need 40.

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab.

Fact is, she rumpled up some poetry she wrote and threw it away in a fit, but I un-rumpled it, and it was really good!

Hold it, Meg. Those 2 are mine. What? That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo! hold onto your sides. Nice to meet you both.

Happy anniversary, Lois.

and a little more shut the hell up?

Chris, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan. But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma." aw, That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in.

- What the hell? What's happened to us? - I don't know. But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy.

What the... What happened? You're dead, jackass. You died in a drunk-driving accident. Oh, God. Did I hold on to the touchdown pass? What the... What's wrong with you? You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.

Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

Peter, your word is "tree." Can you use it in a sentence, please? There is a tree by the lake. Can you use it in a dirty sentence? I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree, where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other.

Looks like someone's in love.

Dad, watch out! aah!

Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! What the...

Peter, I don't work at Burger... "I don't work at Burger..." I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! JOE: Will you guys quiet down?

Oh, You just want your toy back. Ok, here you go, honey. Yes... Well, victory is mine! Damn you all! Hello?

"We have your son."

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I wanna be President! Brian, I can't see. I'm gonna try and get a little closer. Um... You shouldn't be... Um... You need to...

The "t" is silent. Sweet!

But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room.

and then it's off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for you? Not really. Did you use the jokes? Yeah, they're not landing.

No, I think I can communicate with her better. She's only gonna get the gist of what you're saying. Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me? No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

"So God cast the pagans and sinners "into the fiery bowels of Hell, "where their flesh burned in agony "forever and ever." The end.

All of those things you said about me are true. I have been a very bad mother to you. I have no excuse.

I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic. Peter, there's a naked man on this cake. There were only 2 left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

Now, this may be kind of expensive, so I got a plan. Everyone should have to give some money from their salaries each year. Poor people will give a little bit of money, and rich people will give a larger amount of money, and our representatives will use all that money to hire some people who will then provide us with social order and basic services.

Oh, man, I better save my autographed picture of Dean Cain. You know, from before he got all desperate for attention. Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench? Oh, God. PETER: Lois, you may wanna come down here! (GASPS) Oh, my God! I know, about the water, right?

Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.

Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING) Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God!

(SNAPS) (POPPING) (HORN BLOWS) (YELPS) (GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING) Oh! I love this song! Hey!

What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh! Hmm.

OMG, stop staring at me, please. Okay, thanks. Mom, are you okay? Lois, what's goin' on? I'm what's goin' on, Peter. I got highlights, I went shopping, and I had my... So it's tighter now.

Money, money, money

An Audi! I'm getting a car! Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit". No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! I'm getting an Audi! i have an innie.

You've made that perfectly clear. Listen, are you gonna be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine. (SNIFFING) Is that smoke? (GASPING) Idea for a farce, cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive. (LAUGHING)

Hey. Meg! What the hell are you doing in here? Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time!

Look. It's a cat. Yeah! I just got him today. His name's James. Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen? Hi, James. (MEWS) Oh, my God! Watch when I scratch his bottom. He sticks his fanny in the air. We have liftoff. We have liftoff.

Mom! We're in here, Lois. He's napping. Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in. (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Get in there! Hold still, Stewie! (BOTH GRUNTING)

Car. Car coming! We're clear.

Nothing you'll ever see. You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

I'm scared, Dad. What's gonna happen to us? Well, he's a Nazi, Chris. If I had to guess, he's going to make us into a lamp shade or a wallet or a bar of soap. I guess that means I'll be Irish Spring. Irish Spring will get you fresh and (WHISTLES) clean as a whistle. See? (SCREAMS) You cut me! Why?

You are so fucking funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it. Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it.

Do you mind, Brian? No, not at all. Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen. ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET.

You son of a bitch! What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois.

Yes. Though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea. I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy And your record will stand as proof Be it galley or a freighter, I'm an expert navigator And you're also a world-class poof My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING)

Come on, Is this any more degrading than washing cars?

All the little birds on Jaybird Street Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet Rockin' robin, rock, rock Tweet, tweet, tweet - Rockin' robin Tweet... I don't know, Peter. This all seems kind of creepy. What do you mean? This is great! Everyone's hilarious now. What do you think, Quagmire? What? I can't hear a thing over this noise.

(SCREAMING) Thanks, Carl. Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background, and he's totally got his dick out.

A book burning? Come on. Grab an armful. We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian. Well, to be honest, I lied for booze.

I don't know, Lois. I tried my best. I don't know what else I possibly could've done. Peter, you're just gonna have to do better. Somehow you've gotta let those kids know that they matter to you. (EXHALES) I'll try, Lois.

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!

MAN'S VOICE: Old Man River That Old Man River He must know somethin'

But the lucky one was me. And from there, our romance blossomed.

Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer. What? You son of a bitch! Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast. Warm buttery toast! (ALL MOANING) - That sounds good. I love toast. I just found my penis.

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas.

Now shoot her tires out. What? - You got a gun? - Well, yeah. Every cabbie carries a gun, but... Give me the gun. (SCREAMING) What the hell is wrong with you, Peter? You could've killed me! Yeah, but I got you good, Lois. Admit it. Just say it, I got you.

Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg. Shut up, Meg.

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes

just as fast as their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror. Wait a sec. Hold the phone. He's going back towards the track. Fellas, this race ain't over yet. (THUDDING) (WOMAN SCREAMS) WOMAN: (CRYING) My baby's dead. It's over.

That's it. Your dad's had enough. I want you kids to go downstairs, and drink the antifreeze in the garage. I'm gonna chug it all, so there's none left for you! Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions!

I got to say, Meg, I like you so much better like this. Me, too, Meg. God, it must have been horrible in there. It wasn't so bad. I met Wesley Snipes. Is that right? Yeah. And you know what's funny? He was Inmate 57, too. He was Inmate 57?

Twice as tall as me, 3 times the girth Girth oh, My fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

I'm not gay! Thanks anyway, Peter. Hey, We'll get him. Here. Right-- Right this way. Watch your step. Ok, they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something. I don't know. I wasn't listening.

Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! TOM: I don't care, Son. I just do not care.

Well, perhaps you could tell them. If only you spoke Hovitos. (BLOWGUNS FIRING) (LOIS SCREAMING) I can't believe she went ahead and did it. After I specifically told her how I felt. Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to...

Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!

They've been gone for over 6 hours. How long do these vision quests usually take? Huh? Well, y'know, It varies. Y'know, It depends on the person's age, and height, and sign. You have no idea, do you? Of course i--I... No.

Is that what this is all about? Run for your lives!

What about "Ida"? (GROANS) No, man, you know, this is too hard. You know, you're asking me to accept an awful lot. I don't know if I can do this. I understand. I had the advantage of thinking about this for years. For me, it was easy.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us! We're finished. We're never gonna get home.

I cheated on that assignment. You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here. I totally reek, man. - Check this out. - Come on! Tell me that's not epic. You know, I didn't come back to college just to cheat my way through. I wanted to do it on my own. Will you relax? Plenty of people cheat. Once again, Ashlee Simpson.

How is he, Doctor? Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe. I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour.

How am I a bastard? Oh, you want the full story? Meg, please. Not now, Mom. (BRIAN SLURPING) (SNIGGERS) I think Brian's getting a little water in there. Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you?

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.

Dad, come out of there.

I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

You kNow, uh, Musso and Frank's is famous. See the bar over there? Great writers like Hemingway and Faulkner drank there. Hey, hey, Where did that guy who wrote Porky's drink? Huh? Huh? Oh, man! When that-- When that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole... Oh. Where do they get their ideas? Huh? Where do they get them?

What about you, Peter? Oh, Man! Ah, well, i--I don't know, Richard Grieco would probably appreciate you more, you know, not take you for granted. I mean, With Johnny Depp, it's like--it's like he wouldn't really need you. you know. He'd probably sneak out after you fell asleep. Of course, With Johnny, you'd get the financial security. I--I'd go with Johnny.

Gorgeous. Yes. Yes, Meg, gorgeous. Yes. Every man wanted her. But one man got her. A man she trusted to keep her safe and beautiful forever. That man was Glenn Quagmire. And two short months later, this is what happened to Joan Van Ark. (GASPS) Oh! Oh, my God! I don't want this to happen to you, Meg.

eh... Ah! Ah! Ow! Oh, God! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cool! He's bleeding! Just like in the movies! Hmm...

How's it going?

Hey, Stewie, play Haydn. Now play Handel.

All right, so I guess I'll go ahead and... What is it you called it? Break. Break. Right, break. Oh, my God! Beginner's luck, huh? Start the car! Start the car! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! We've been hustled! Nobody says that anymore. Well, then what would you call it, Jared?

I'll see you next week. So What is it, Brian? You don't think these women understand you or-- you know, Lois, i'm--I'm really not comfortable talking about this a-melodically.

I totally feel you, man. Truth of the matter is, I don't like my movies either, but, man, they just keep offering me money, and I do it, and then I get to go around the world. I mean, did you see Sahara? (LAUGHS) I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time. You suck donkey ass. Now you can't prove that.

Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you.

Wow! You certainly are very persuasive. So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys. It's also about just being there for the people you love. Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.

After all, i-it isn't really his timE. What did you make this cocoa out of, crap? If you want me to make it again, I-- Sorry, Lois. I-it's my fault. I just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap! I'll be right back.

Angela! Open up in there! Oh, my God! Angela! Angela, wake up!

Peter, there's no way you could die. You're the most important character in this family. I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60. Sir, that casket costs $1,000. Okay, $70. WhaT? $2,000. That's twice what it cosTS! $40. What? He--He doesn't know how to haggle.

God, I don't ask you for much. But let my boy win this race. Do not go until I wave my flag. I can't stress that enough. I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks. Look out! Griffin is disqualified! griffin is disquaLifiED!

I mean, Chris is doing better in school. And Meg even went on a date with the announcer from the Super Friends. Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra. Fine, Fine. I can see I'm not wanted here.

Stewie, what's wrong? (WHIMPERING) The fat man. He changed my diaper. So? Brian, he put it up inside. Oh, God. Look, he didn't know what he was doing. He's still without his memory.

and if you're just stringing her along, well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. You don't really think I'm like that, do you? Prove me wrong. All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANS) I got to say, that was fantastic.

Yes. Have you been aging? I want you two to do it right in front of me, and I'm gonna throw 40 bucks on your sweaty bodies when you're done. Let's see the money. Why do you guys hate me? (EXCLAIMING) That pain in my stomach is back. (YELLING IN PAIN)

You just earned yourself a trip to the pound! Who the hell do you think you are? Brian! Brian, do something. Look, I'm sorry about this. Let me just pay the fine or whatever and I'll make sure this doesn't happen again. You can pick him up tomorrow. Oh, okay. Just bring a trash bag. What did he mean by that?

Hey, Stewie's laughing. Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that?

My God! It's finally happened.

(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING) (SCREAMING) Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right? No, I'm not all right! My head's gushing blood, you idiot! Take your hand away. Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire.

This court will come to order. I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they'd, uh, catch their mistake. Why are we making a federal case out of this? Don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment? I was gonna call them.

Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out.

Oh! Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click- bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his. Sarah, forgiveness.

Can't touch me yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me

You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers!

Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.

I am going to kick...

That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!

Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.

If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent? I guess we can try that-- Action! Come on, Lois. Those-- Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I--I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. Peter, They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. They did noW! Ahh!

It used to bay That you loved may But now it's nineteen-ninetay And I have to set

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee"

Um, actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody.

Chocolate cake a la Blake Hundred bucks, Blake is gay

Good. Good. Aw, aw, The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy-- ugh! This quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go...

Would you give me a hug for luck? No, no, no, I'm not done yet. Karina, what are you... Oh, I'm not... I'm not a lesbian. No, no, I'm not either! What are you exactly?

Wow, you're really good at this game.

Damn. Hey, d-Does anyone here have thumbs? A-Anyone? No. Ahh! S-Sorry. I--I don't play. Hey, hey! Come on. Knock it off. Hey, How's the flow today? Hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa! M-mom! Mom! Do something! Mom! Mom! help! Mom!

Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister.

Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. Here's a car alarm. (SIGHS) All right, well, I guess we'll just... (ALARM STOPS) Ah! There we go. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie.

(BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)

You son of a bitch!

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

What do you want? I came out to Hollywood. I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind! So, why don't you think before you say things for a fucking change?

Go! Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell!

Give me the simple life MAN ON TV: We now return to the Sunday afternoon movie, Masturbator and Commander. (KNOCKING) Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us. CAPTAIN: I'll be right out. Sir, we've already lost 10 men.

So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Faster! So, what exactly would you say qualifies you to work as a sumo wrestler?

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

So, where is it that you need to go, my new honky friend? Rhode Island. That's not too far, is it? Nothing's too far away from Maxine, the cheating queen. Women. That's not fair. I'm just speaking out of hurt.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET. MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!

Hey, those people look familiar. (SCOFFING) That's Heidi and Spencer. I don't really talk to them. Wow! Spencer does look like a monkey. Spencer, I am so over your selfishness. What do you want? I came out to Hollywood. I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind! So, why don't you think before you say things for a fucking change?

Laugh and cry He's a family guy ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rodney King of Queens. Rodney, did you take out the trash? Um, I forgot. (GROANING)

And maybe a big, old dumb-guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?" Look who's got pimples. And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy!

So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room and give each other makeovers? I don't use makeup, Meg. Of course you don't. You're all natural. Man, your dad must be proud! Actually, my dad passed away four years ago. Yeah, yeah, he did. He sure did.

You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves. Yeah, you know, they don't seem to pay out on anything. No, not at all, right? Yeah, that's true, they don't pay. Well, then I say, screw the bastards! Let's burn the place down!

Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend.

We are gonna have such a fun time. Lois, my darling! Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes... Lois, my darling!

Now, I think we should go down there to support him. What? Yeah, apparently, something happened at the mall, and she took a turn for the worse. They don't know how much time she has left. Quagmire just called. He's really upset. It doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason, but we should go anyway.

What did he mean by that? Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that. No. He doesn't. He's from another universe where dogs are subservient to humans. Oh, you mean like that time we... Yeah. When we bounced around between... Yeah. And you couldn't figure out how to... Yes! They're gonna kill him! We got to get him out of there!

What the hell was that? This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now? What the hell is... (SCREAMS) What? What's the matter? Dear God, I'm un-teething.

What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with... (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) Ow! (GASPS) Oh, my God. Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention.

There's only one way to settle this. Russian RouletTe. 3 bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No--no--No. Wait a minute, this is crazy. You first.

I've run that company for 40 years. He even froze my corporate bank accounts. I'm broke! Oh! That's ridiculous. I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home. (JET SOARING) What the hell is that?

What you want? Fire truck. What color? Red. (SCREAMING) Next. Peter, have you been drinking? Well, a little. It is a party. Take off that stupid costume. You look like a damn fool. Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale. Everyone, I'll be right back.

Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh, my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... Would that even exist? I mean, like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up. So, you can just rot out here, Brian.

Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! (SNICKERING) Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

So I wanted to show you it's not so bad living like a regular guy.

ALL: Hi, Greg. One fateful night, I got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind drunk. I was responsible for the death of an innocent 8-year-old girl. What kind? What? What kind of car? You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind? It was a Miata. Come on. That's not a sports car.

Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt.

Hey, Chris, get in here. Yeah, Dad? We are gonna find you a hobby. - What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck.

Thank you, Tricia. After the interval, find out which 12 football teams tied tonight.

Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! - Moo. - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! - Moo! - Louder! (SOBBING) Moo! All right, that's it!

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom! End of discussion! Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm 2 years younger than you!

Face it, The Clam is doomed. Come on, guys. we can't give up now. Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's failed.

(GRUNTS) JEFF: You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday... BRENDA: Jeff! Please, you're being... JEFF: What? What am I being? Crazy? Unemployed? Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas? BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them. They were called. JEFF: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat? I got another cat.

Boy, did I. "...and Meg dates a prison escapee"! Oh, no. Luke, run! Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!

And date. Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth. Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow How was that, Dr. Ditty?

Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? They followed orders. You're saying our troops are like the Nazis? No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted in the deaths of millions of people throughout history. You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. Carol, how are you?

I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is,

And I didn't. Joe couldn't come. So, I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend. You come out here right now! PETER: Bonnie's way cooler than you! Joe has computer games!

Damn. I'm late for school. Don't need money Don't take fame Don't need no credit card to ride this train

You know the best thing about these girls is, even if you're terrible, they don't know the difference. You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay. (ALL LAUGHING) You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on.

Thanks for helping me set up this jungle gym, guys. Lois says Stewie's been getting a little chunky.

Thank you for asking it.

Hey, Lois. What? Diarrhea. Peter, I'm holdin' iced tea!

Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words. Check out my penis!

Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Mambo! (PANTING) Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them! I'm trying, sir.

There were no survivors. Oh, that's so great, I just called him on the way home. Peter, I'm not sure this is entirely responsible. I don't see what the big deal is. I was just trying to make the show better. Hell, I wish I could do it with all the shows. Yeah, well, you only have one Nielsen box. You don't have the clout to affect national shows. Damn it. I guess that means I'll never get to see an episode of Superman

steam heat I got steam heat But I need your love to keep away the cold I goT-- All right, break it up! What's going on here? Your little peep show is over! We're taking back our men! Peep show? I just do this for fun.

Wow, thanks! Hey, if we could fix that wobbly chair, think of what else we could do for our community. Cleveland's right. It seems it's our destiny to be the A-Team after all. (ALL CHEERING) We're the A-Team! Yeah!

Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

All right, ladies, enough chitchat. Take it off, get in the shower and bounce around for me.

Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer. All right, bring him on out. Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here.

PETER: We are all-powerful! Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. Silence! We demand obedience! Or else! Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though.

Well, can't you knock or something? Hello? Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.

And I think I found it. Well, Bob Funland may have his name on a sign, but only a Griffin has thiS. Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it. Yes! Mmm, Baby!

You keep him away from me! JOE: Got 'em. Aw, they got tuckered out. Of course they did, they ran, like, two miles for them.

No, no, Brian, he's serious. I'll come back for you, Lois. And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to. Like the time I swallowed that midget, who played Mini-Me, just so I could make you laugh. You ready for dinner, Peter? Oh, yeah.

Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him.

What the hell were you thinking, Brian? We're never gonna get home now! Why the hell would you break the damn device? Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, look at this place.

Sports? No. - Movies? - No. Hiking? No. - Cars? - No. - Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.

Hey there, hot stuff! Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg? Look! Stay away from me, Neil!

I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill.

You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian, thanks to this beautiful little angel. She came into my life as if out of nowhere, enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams, and opened my eyes to the cleansing truth of Jesus Christ's love. No, honey, it was always within you. I just helped you find it.

MAN: I didn't like any of that. Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me.

I don't care about her anymore. I'm in love with Bryan Adams. Peter, I want you to promise me you'll never do anything that stupid again. Lois, after what you did for Joe, I'll promise you anything. How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand?

Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money? Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money. Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But--But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland. There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!

All right. What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool. STEWIE: Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here.

You know what's amazing, Lois? A week from tomorrow, it'll be 20 years we've been married. I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic! Hello. I was there, see? (SIGHS) Wow, same old pussy.

Stewie's gonna be on the show. Did you hear that, Lois? We're going to Hollywood! where the people are sexy and clever and they always say something funny right before the commercial break.

Why do they call them TIE fighters? No idea. (SPEAKING THAI)

I envy the tattoo artist who had that huge canvas of arm fat to work with. (LAUGHS) Wonderful. Wonderful. Hey, listen, can you hang with us through the break? What? We'll be right back with Stewie's co-star Robin Williams. No, no. I hate Robin... Where you going? (THUNDER CRASHING)

You're half a man Remember when you twisted up your garden hose? Well, essentially that is the plan That is the plan Well, I'm starting to get the picture, but how's it done?

I didn't have my hands down my pants. Mmm, Good for you.

it looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers and is once again undefeated. Hey, What's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? I told you never to show your face here again!

I... I no can read these words. This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas. Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands,

Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.

(SENSOR MAKES BING-BONG SOUND) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent!

Aw, Look at the little baby! Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise?

Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token. This thing's got to be worth 50 grand. 50 grand? Oh, my God! I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

"Chapter One. "Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick. "She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish." Oh, yeah. Getting hot in here.

Gonna fly now Flying high now Gonna fly

Heh. A couple of teeth and some toenail clippings, and we'll be ready for our date! Um, hey-- Hey Carol? Um, since--Since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts? Peter, What are you gonna do with ted's shirts? He's half your size. I--i know--i know--I know. But check this out. Hey--Hey, Carol. Say, Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. (WHISPERS) I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly.

(THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh! There's your thunder. Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, crap! It's getting closer. Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin,

Come on, kids! We got to get down to that TV studio! Okay, yeah, just step on the coloring book. That's cool. (TIRES SCREECHING)

There she is! You must be Angela. Hi. Are you Peter's friend, Reginald? Indeed I am. What a beautiful shade of lipstick on those teeth. Oh, thank you, but that's just my gums bleeding from aggressive gingivitis.

- Okay. - Okay? Yeah. All right, 'cause I'm... I'm not a doctor. I can't... No, I understand. Okay, so we're... We're still friends? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, summer's coming on. It hurts.

Pizza Parlor, huh?

Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no! (IMITATING FANFARE) We are so, so sorry for your loss.

(DIALING) Yes, get me the owlery, please. Release the owls. (OWLS HOOTING) Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.

Help me, please! Let me have sex with Bonnie. (SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth. You're a good man, Joe Swanson. How was your first time? I've had sex lots of times. I just wanted to have it again. (SCATTING)

It's hard to believe he's the same dog who barked at a pineapple for four hours. Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you? There's the man of the hour. Hey, Brian, can you believe I found this blazer on the side of the highway? Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Big night, Brian. How you feeling? Well, a little nervous. I just want it to go well.

I would think you'd be excited for me. Are you kidding? They're a lie factory. They report whatever they damn well please. You know, Brian, you're welcome to come with me and see for yourself that it's all on the level. You know, I just might take you up on that, Lois. And I know another way we can take advantage of this. Chris, Meg, meet me in the living room in 10 minutes, and bring a pencil and paper.

Hey, sport! How'd you do? I got first place, Dad. Way to go, champ! Jeff plays varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High. Oh, Cool. Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age. Oh, You were a showoff yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Oh, my God. Didn't you unlock the door when we left? No, you were the last one out! How the hell are we gonna get back inside? All right, find a rock.

Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant. Mom, I can't find my jacket. (LAUGHING) (CRYING)

All right, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out. I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one Ike in there, I'm going straight to Babs. It's fine, I double-checked. Here's your Mikes. What's next? Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.

Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Thank you. Thank you very much. Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you. Oh, Peter!

I'm nine years old and I'm Indian.

Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.

You can tell all the girls care about each other, 'cause they have so much fun cleaning the dishes. AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me. No! Why? Why? She chose the piano over her insulin.

Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.

Oh, wait, wait. BILF. Total BILF. Yeah, so, going pretty good. I got six pacifiers now. That was a big nothing. And Julie Andrews pleaded not guilty, saying that she brought the gun to the nightclub for protection.

Now I've had the time of my life And I owe it all to you I've been waiting for so long Now I've finally found someone To stand by me

(LAUGHTER RESONATES)

She could've come to and killed Muriel!

I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat. Shut up and go to sleep! (BOTH GRUNTING) Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me! I'm trying, I... Try harder! Peter, if you just stop for one second... Lois, that hurts. Quit it. (BOTH MOANING)

I was wondering if my friends and I could ask you a few questions. Yeah, where'd you hear that dirty joke you told Cleveland? That's none of your business. Leave me alone! Don't let him get away! (HORN BLARING)

Hey there, Rover come on over well, It's nice to have music while we eat. Red-headed lady reaching for an apple Gonna take a bite, nope, nope

This is the smartest show on T.V.

STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

And I'm Yasmina Reza. Oh, are you his night nurse? No, I'm a playwright. I wrote Art and God of Carnage. I won a Pulitzer.

(GASPS) Bertram! Hello, Stewie. You don't realize it yet, but your life is about to cease to exist. What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! Play with this!

Oh, Stop trying to talk me out of it! I'm a pathetic sellout! No one who sings Carmen like you is pathetic! What? I--i heard you sing Habanera. You were sublime. You--You liked my aria? I was overwhelmed. You're the first person who ever complimented my Habanera. Thank you.

And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris. Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now! Somebody help him! Do something! Now she's nagging everyone.

(RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!

Franz, grab my hand!

Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing, I mean, that's... Is that really a--a big deal? Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go, if she goes in there and the seat is up and it's dark, she sits in the water. No way. Get the hell out of here. (GUN FIRES) Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do?

You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all. Would you ever have one? Never! Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late.

Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas? What the hell's your problem? Hey, Logan, what's going on? What the hell is going on here? Nothing, baby penis! (LAUGHING) Well, yes, I have a baby... Uh... Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis. I think they're messy.

Oh, yeah, that's just as fun. All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you!

There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery. (IN SWEDISH ACCENT) Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough. Father, you're covered in dough. Aw! You spoiled the surprise. I'm making you a cake out of dough.

Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey! Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!

Hey, New Brian. I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip. Everything's better with Cool Whip. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? - Cool Whip? - No. Why would it? Cool Whip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

You should marry someone you love. That's what I did. And it got us kicked out of the yacht club. Oh, You can't be mad at your father for being himself. That's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. Ah, He was so different from everyone else.

This is Carson Daly, And we're live here at spring break. Who wants to party? Me! ok, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Ok, we're gonna need cake and juice for 14 people. All right, now let's go to Tom Green who's gonna do something really outrageous!

I just never realized how little meaning my life had. Stewie, my life isn't worth anything! Oh, come on! Hey! (BRIAN CONTINUES CRYING)

You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing! Wow. That's amazing. So, what do you say, Peter? Will you be my agent? I don't get it. Why would a big shot like you want me for an agent? Because you're an up-and-comer, because you're hungry. I am hungry. But you put me and my family through a lot of crap over the years.

All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch. And as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay.

But i--i--i--i just-- I wanted to tell you something. But i--I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled. Ah! That Hugh Grant is so handsome. Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Ugh! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!

"till touchdown brings me round again to find "I'm not the man they think I am aT home "oh, no, no, no "I'm A rocket man "rocket man "burnin' out his fuse out here "alone"

I need a Jew Where to find a Baum, or Stein, or Stein to teach me how to whine and do my

Hi, Connie. Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day about how much you liked High School Musical 2 so I burned you the soundtrack. Okay. Prepare for itemized insults. A. Don't ever listen to me talk. You don't deserve my words. B. When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically. And C. You actually like High School Musical?

I became the very thing I set out to destroy. Hooray, I'm mayor again! Don't we need to have a whole new election? There. Now no one will have heard him say that. We all heard him say it. Anybody else hear anything?

'cause our checkbook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew

Like sweet Mickey Rourke and his gorgeous right-wing scars Chuck Norris is one And he's got a right-wing beard Jon Voight is another He's just right-wing weird His daughter's pretty hot, though. At one time, Brian. At one time.

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off!

(CROWD CHEERING) (SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. (STAMMERING) What's that? You gonna find out. Where you going, fatty? We gonna have a party!

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?

Ahh! What the hell is her problem? Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me?

When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain. Ow! Oh, Now I don't know math. Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it! Not now, Stewie. When we get home. That's right! You're a big, fat phony!

How good are you? You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to 2 Filipino women and a man. You mean 3 Filipino women! No!

"I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic." Oh, I get it. That-- That's kind of funny.

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often. Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said, "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful? Will you people quiet down? I'm trying to watch Medium.

Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman? You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam. Are you saying I asked for this to happen? You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous. Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius.

It seems today It seems today that all you see that all you see is violence in movies violence in movies and sex on T.V. Sex on T.v. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy

A woman has 2 children. now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? That's--That's not a riddle. That's... That's just terrible! Wrong! The ugly one! Hey, Peter, check out my new trampoline! Whee! YEah! Whoa mama! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel. It's all right, Joe. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a great cop with a very distinguished career. You caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls.

It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur. Isn't she a bit of terrific?

Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight Papa Tom. - Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois. - Goodnight.

I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City,

ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy.

Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? Yeah. And I think I might need some right now. Get out now or stay and get weird. Your call, warden.

And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

Are you kidding? I ought to knock you out for not bringing me here sooner. Look at the pair on that one, Lois. Bigger than your head.

I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

Meg, I'm only going to say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners. So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car. Yes, Daddy. If you ever touch my daughter again,

Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris.

This'll be much better than that vacation we took with The Price is Right yodeler. (YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

My God, what? What just happened to me? It's those sirens. They have us all completely under their spell like that hypnotist at the Airport Hilton.

Ow! I said I'd go! Why'd you give me the back of your hand? Because I love you.

All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now. What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why. Really? You don't know why?

Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!

Meg, wanna dance? I was here first. Meg, dance with me? Hey, you! Get into my car. Neil, would you-- I would be honored. Thanks.

I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child.

We lost the values, but we kept the weed You've got a lot to see The Reagan years have laid the frame For movie stars to play the White House game We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim You've got a lot to see

so, Peter, Where shall we go for your week off? Well, I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year. This isn't bad. It's not that good. But it's not that bad. It's so-so. Uh, More or less.

Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God! Excuse me. Do you have an A.T.M.? Over there, ma'am. How much you want to take out? $40. There's a service charge of $1.50. Do y'all accept? Yes. Mmm.

Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman. GLENN: Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning... but right now, I am exhausted. Just please don't tell them.

Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

Come on, kids. Bedtime. Good night, Brian. And welcome home. Good night, you guys. Good night. Dog? Yeah? hmm.

MEG: Oh, I remember this. This was the trip our family took to the Cape. Ugh. It was miserable. It was raining, and Mom and Dad fought the whole time. You taught me how to hunt squirrels with poisoned cheese, and then you took me to the hospital when the squirrels tricked me into eating the cheese.

Is he... Is he sleeping?

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know.

You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! He's dead.

'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree? Uh--uh, Yea, kind shrew. Uh, I before thee... except after "C." Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock?

(BEEPING) There you go, you're good. You didn't touch me. I don't wanna get AIDS. (YELLS) Kristallnacht! 'Tis Long John Peter and his merry men come seeking plunder. All your TUCKS Medicated Pads be ours.

Oh, my God. Rush Limbaugh was right all along. Conservative Republicanism is the answer. Good. Good for Brian. Brian, look at this. Now, this is a tasteful nude. It's called "A Saucy Outing In Tottenham Court Square."

Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. They've already boarded. (PEOPLE CHEERING) Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. No. No, you can't leave, not without me. I'm the baby.

But what you shouldn't miss is the Quahog Rodeo, coming to the Civic Center this Friday. Tickets are on sale now. And for those of you who are handy with a horse, entry spots are still open. Oh, God. This seems like the kind of thing Peter... Too late, Brian. Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo? That's stupid. You don't know anything about horses and you're in terrible shape. You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois.

I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet. That's so good to hear. I want to like her. She's so funny. I want her to also be nice. Could you tell us some stories about her? Of course I can. Right after I show you how to make homemade root-beer popsicles. (ALL LAUGHING)

Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class!

(FANS SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) PETER: Sorry. I rode a bike here.

And I am with burrito and about to do the same. Sir, if you don't leave now, I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I. Yeah, we... We did one of those earlier. Yours is better, though. We probably should've waited for yours. (GROANING) Joseph, my water just broke! - It's time! - Oh, my God!

We now return to Touched by an Angel. Now, where exactly did the angel touch you? Here. Aw, Come on! Who're you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo! Shh-shh! Aw!

Ah! Oh, my eyes! Could you please turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas. Oh! Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus!

(CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.

Didn't know this place was haunted, did you? Peter, take that thing off! Hey, what the hell's going on? I'll tell you what's going on! I have had about enough of you, Jerome! I know you want my wife, but you can't have her!

Let the game begin! All right, Dad! Go, Peter! Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

(GRUNTING) (KIDS SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) You bastard!

if you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. This is hot! Turn around. Lois! Ah, This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! Peter, it's ok. Yeah? I was trying to be sexy for you. Ah!

Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh!

For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay. Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

I just spent most of the time testing Chris to see if he's autistic. (WAILING) Not overly affectionate.

Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard. How is he? He's in a coma, Lois. My God, what the hell happened? He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. Just goes to show anything can be dangerous. Is his family here? His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff.

she had a cigarette in her hand.

You smell like the inside of my mama's purse. Uh, ha, ha! Thank you. What are those dulcet tones? Why, This is the music of the angels! What is that magical device? Banjo. Pluck that string.

Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh... You only have one leg, sir. Connie, it's so nice to meet you. We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner.

The only thing this guy is guilty of is being a whack job. Wait, wait, wait. Somebody's coming in. Oh, it's just some fat hooker. Oh, my God, it's Meg! What? Meg and Adam West. Ew! - (SHEEP BLEATING) - Sorry, sorry.

Boy, great party, huh, Fred? Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day, and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. What? She didn't stop.

Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet?

Anyone. My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?

(AS KARINA) Yes, well, that gives you no right to be a blaggard! Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. I don't want to talk to you. Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that?

Hey, guys, don't come in my room. I might be rubbin' one in.

I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse. You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Chris, go to your room!

I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me.

So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof? Yes, Peter, I am. For crying out loud. If Conway Twitty isn't enough to lighten you up, what more is it going to take? A minotaur with Sean Connery's head? (DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner... Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here!

Ahhh! (STRANGLED GROANING)

You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.

Yeah, all right! Well, let's hit the hospital, get checked for teleportation cancer and then party! Well, since the teleportation machine failed to get us to Vegas, I suppose we should just catch our plane. I'll repair it when we get back. You know, this is going to be a good trip, Brian. I really feel like fate is on our side.

Nobody told me Carolyn was your girlfriend. I'm not his girlfriend. Carolyn, what are you talking about? We've been dating for three weeks. Well, you never made a move on me, so I thought you just wanted to be friends. Then I met Cleveland, and things just kind of took off.

Oh, my God, that's kind of hot. (PENCIL SCRIBBLING) Mmm. I bet you taste like Mountain Dew and Starburst.

What are we gonna do? I don't know. We'd better think of something. Maybe I can help. There's an old, abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north of here. You could spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning. Thanks, David. Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight.

sperm brother. Well played!

Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian. It operates according to the laws of physics, but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no laws of physics. Watch. How the hell did you do that? No laws of physics, Brian. We create our own physics. See, watch this.

Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire! Here, that ought to cover it. Peter, I don't want your money!

Give me the simple life Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant Those things roll off my knife Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes Give me the simple life

Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now.

Holy crap! Anybody else feel thaT?

It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. What? (LAUGHING) I'm just joking. (GROANING) Not cool.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off!

She's been shot! (ALL GASPING) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy. Oh, my God. It was him! It was James Woods! He killed her! Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives!

And what have you done with your gay lover, Rush Limbaugh? (SIGHS) I am Rush Limbaugh. That's a costume. Wait a minute. You mean, all these years, Rush Limbaugh has just been Michael Moore in disguise? Well, it's a little more complex than that. What are you talking about? Fred Savage? Wait a minute!

Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair. I need it to move.

like the whole Irish nation When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule

Dear Diary, today at the school library, I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman with nipples that cover most of her breasts, too. And, suddenly, I didn't feel so alone. You know what it sounds like to me? Sounds like the woman in that picture was pretty beautiful. All right, I'll see you at dinner.

But I didn't want you to forget about mine. Remember this? Hmm? Remember? Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam.

Peter, you can't just suck 200 pounds of fat out of yourself. I-It's not natural. Come on, Lois. I feel great dropping that kind of weight all at once. You Remember how good you felt after you had Chris?

Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know. Hey, there's Quahog Harbor. Look at all those old naval vessels.

What did you say? Quagmire's flying to Alaska? Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on!

I'll never forget you, Gerardo. Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo, but I'm glad I'm finally an American again.

They already been shrunk. Happy Birthmas.

(ROARING) Monkey, grab my hand!

Because He always puts Skippy In my lunch No. It's not the same thing. Joe puts himself in real danger every day. You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero.

The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment? Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down on my way to give a speech about how T.V. keeps families together. Would you like to hear it? No, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.

I can't lose this case! Lois, the case is already over! Who did this to you? In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability. Ah! Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

Uh, hello? MAN: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? (LAUGHING) Okay. Yeah.

Maybe your father can take you. Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something,

The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. (CRACKING) Peter! Oh, my God!

(WATCH BEEPING) Hang on. Hang on. Pills. Yeah, me, too.

Neil, would you-- I would be honored. Thanks. And, in other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school,

Hey, dude. You want some of these? I say, here's the solution to my troubles. If I could build a device to harness the size of that leviathan, there's no limit to what I... Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth!

My whole world has been turned upside down. Black is east, up is white.

Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.

So, what did you wanna see me about? You know, Brian, there was a note in the suggestion box that says: "Stewie should eat a steaming bag of...."

It's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! ohhh! Ohh! Yes! Yes!

No... Yeah, we'll hang on to Boys' Life. Hello, neighbors. Joe, you can walk. How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in. I'm so glad everyone could make it. Stan, I need $50. They're selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your lightsaber battle.

MAN: You think it's easy working all day? WOMAN: No! I... MAN: You think I like it? WOMAN: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it. MAN: No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you! WOMAN: (CRYING) You...

Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

There it is! The BBC! Well, This is it. I'll say good-bye to you now. Well, Have a good life, Stewie. Oh, I shall! Oh, hey, I meant to ask you did you ever find out what that button on my bureau was from? Oh, yeah. Chris' denim jacket.

And like I always say, "Remember, you know enough." G.I. Jose

- Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you. Hey, where's Meg? What is it, sir? That's what we call a manatee, boys... or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.

No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts. Sounds like you're making up excuses. All right, fine, we'll have sex. Good. First, turn off the light, get under the covers up to your neck, turn away from me and lose seven pounds. Just get the hell out of here!

First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way.

I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour.

Chris, what the hell? I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up! I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here?

It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! - I lied. - You jerk!

(WINCING) (GROANING)

It doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you. That's right, because all that's important is that I love you. No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.

I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS

Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

(SHOUTING) No! (SIGHING) Thank you very much. Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all. But it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. Oh, that's terrible.

That's sweet of you to ask, but he's my nephew.

Stewie, it's not working.

Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?

Oh! An eye for an eye. Well, Lois, I guess I owe you an apology.

(WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING) PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: A human centipede. How ghastly!

In my opinion, The best opera of the 18th century.

What's your problem? Papa Tom's being a jerk. At least he talks to you. He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks. Well, all in all, you should be thankful. I think the Kennedys had a kid like you, and they had it put to sleep.

Hey, Cleveland. Why are you staying in a hotel? My house burned down. Oh. Why are you naked? Naked? But everybody's been telling me I'm wearing magnificent robes made from the finest silk.

Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies! I can't believe it. Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow.

Joe, hold your handcuffs over my lap. (PANTS UNZIPPING) What the hell is that? Swiss Army penis. (SAWING) Wow, Quagmire. That's incredible. Peter? (SAWING) Yours are made of a stronger metal.

(ALL GASP) DREYFUSS: It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up? Now, get lost. We'll take it from here.

Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work. Now, let me just go over a few basics. You'll earn minimum wage, no overtime, no health benefits, and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth. Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now. Here you go. You're beautiful.

I don't want to wait (HUMMING) The new Toyota I want a car that's got a lot of gas Come on, Joey. I wanna be with you.

Would you like some dessert? Did you bake a pie? Well, there is a pie. It's been baking since I met you. Gross. What? Nothing. You know, Angela, there's something I need to tell you. My doctor has given me 24 hours to live. Oh, my God! No, no, it's quite all right.

PETER: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, minding his own business.

There you go, that's pretty gross. Yeah, that's the spirit, Quagmire. Oh, boy, listen, thanks for putting up with me the last couple weeks. Hey, no problem. You put up with me when I was barefoot guy. Boy, nothing like a beer with the fellas, eh? Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes? Oh, you mean foot prisons? Yes, I would.

Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

What I saw today wasn't religion. It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales. - Actually, that is religion. - Shut your trap, Brian. STEWIE: Hah! You tell him. Why? I agree with you. All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance, and that's just wrong. You think I'm...

that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

You know, this used to be all orange trees. (WIND HOWLING)

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn.

As you can see, we have plenty of cabinet space for your plate. The oven, of course, is just decorative. Seems okay. Do you have any other units available? This is our only one. I hope you're happy, Marsha! (THUDS) We might have something upstairs. Sorry, Quagmire, but the only way around the law is if the woman consents to a divorce. Consent?

Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland. I need some passion in my life. I need a real man. And Lord knows that ain't you.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Shut up, Meg. Let's go, kids. Time for school. Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning, but I flushed a diaper. It's a mess up there. (CAR HORN HONKING) Brian, what is this? You're driving a cab? Well, Lois, I realized you were right.

"Super secret meeting at motel. Inform no one." I think we got him now. You know, you really shouldn't lie on that bedspread. I saw this report on TV about how filthy hotel rooms are. In a moment, we will use the special lights to see just how filthy this seemingly clean hotel room really is. (ANIMALS CALLING)

Oh, Hey, Clevemire. That's quagland. Quagland? Oh, You must be dreaming. Not about kicking your fat ass!

I want Hershey Kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them!

and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?

I've created a monster. Meg, we've got to do something. We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade.

Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well." Also, "Check, please!" Plus, "Open mouth, insert foot" and "Wait, if you're here, then that means... Oh boy!"

(ALL CLEARING THROATS SOFTLY)

What's a quarter? Well, We gotta give him something. Woo-hoo! Man, looking up at the sky just makes you feel so small. Yeah. I mean, if God created all this, who created God?

- Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS)

eh... Ah! Ah! Ow! Oh, God! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cool! He's bleeding! Just like in the movies! Hmm... Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House.

Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are here to take what's ours. Well, I mean, technically it's yours, but we don't feel like you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it anyway.

Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary. Aw, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote. All right, hit me with this. Didn't work.

Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...

I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted. At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian, and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged.

This is a holdup! Open the register! I can't! It only opens when you make a sale! All right, Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird!

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? No, I put 'em all in your bag. Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we? I'll see you in the car.

It makes us all feel a little less guilty. For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time. Okay, everybody, time for paintball. I forgot to pick up the paintball guns.

Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left.

(PLANE ENGINES WHIRRING)

Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again. Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, and laid eggs in my lower intestine. Ah, But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time. Here's to our wives.

Shower time. Yeah, for me! Not for... What are you doing with that loofah? Don't worry about it. PETER: (SCREAMS) You told me not to worry about it! I should've been worried the whole time! Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry.

You guys? Oh, my God!

Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice. I'll say. Peter, is that... Are you... Molly Ringwald? Yeah. How's it going?

hey, Anybody got a quarter? What's a quarter? Well, We gotta give him something. Woo-hoo!

"Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, That's nice.

(INCOHERENTLY SPEAKING) Uh, I--I don't... W-W-What's-- What's the problem? Ah! Okay. Thank you. (MUMBLING) Amazing grace

Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews." Oh, these are wonderful, sweetie.

STEWIE: Oh, my God! (CHUCKLES) Brian's eating it. Boy, that's a lot of puke, Lois. I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party. Your what? My bachelor party. What's that? You don't know what a bachelor party is? No! When you got married, didn't you have, like, a bachelor party with all your friends? My what? Oh, my God. Well, we are gonna fix that.

(INDISTINCT TALKING) Peter, I told you, I don't like all these strangers walking around in our house. They're not strangers, Lois. They are our valued customers. And if we don't show them we appreciate their loyalty, they're gonna go someplace else. For what? Not to alarm anyone,

Could you sign this book, please? Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish!

This is why the other countries are beating us, you know!

(GASPS) What are you doing here? CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin. No one has ever eaten more hot dogs than me. Now you must die! (GROANING) (GAGGING)

Man, this chocolate bar is delicious. Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter. (SIREN WAILS) I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here? He got peanut butter on my chocolate.

Darling, why are we tormenting ourselves like this? We're perfect for each other. I admit we've got our problems, like any couple, but true love conquers all! I like you. You like me? Oh! Oh, Well, it's not love, but it's a start! Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world!

MAN: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? (ALL GASP) Oh, my God! Kevin Swanson! Son, you're alive! Oh, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway.

" lost a shoe. Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey. - How's school? - Hi, Stewie. Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing... and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.

This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show.

Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth!

(ANNOUNCER READING) ANNOUNCER: Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home in the Hills. Rene, what was it like working with Douglas Fairbanks? Is it true you were born in 1880? This is my rassinfrackin' land!

Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son

Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go. (SIGHING) Home sweet home.

I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye!

Oh, my God! I want to watch this, but I got stupid dialysis at 3:00. I am so sick of this crap mucking up my life. Well, Peter, I mean, what, you can get away with skipping one treatment, right? I mean, that's not gonna kill you. Yeah, it's probably just like missing an antibiotic. You just take the next one. Yeah, you're probably right. Besides, it's Charles in Charge.

(SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time. That's absurd.

Ah, cool. Hey, Mort, what's this thing? Oh, that? That's my "Come in, we're open" sign. What's that, like an iPad? No, it's a sign. Wish I had one of those. I've got a whole box of them. Take it. It's yours. No charge. Typical Jew.

If we can endure the pain of childbirth, just imagine what else we're capable of! Right on. Go girl. Wah, wah, wah! Come on. It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt? Peter, It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck! Come on. Hey--hey. You want to hear some horror stories. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.

What's a hypotenuse? Stewie, I know you're a little mad at me right now. But, when you see where I'm taking you, you're gonna change your mind. Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what...

The Bible also says a senior citizen built an ark and rounded up two of every animal. Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this?

Y-y-You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom. Well, Peter, you start like this. Like this? Yeah. Now add a little turn and do a buck and wing. Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing. Jeez, Mr. Fargas, what happened to you?

So you were lying to us this whole time? You weren't really injured in Iraq? First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? Kevin, I don't understand. There's nothing to understand.

because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it,

You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog. What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter.

(CHIMING) Well, I got AIDS again. Better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS. All gone.

Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell?

Well, we are officially lost. On the Great Space... Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me?

it is still my right to choose what I do with my body. Well, the law is wrong, Lois! Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this. Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it? No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn. Once they get out of the vagina, they can go fuck themselves. Peter, what's inside of Lois won't be remotely human for six months.

That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! No. God! It smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?

I say, hello! You there, I'm ready to get out! Somebody! Oh, my! What was that? Well, Hello, Mr. Water Jet. StEwie, are You ready to-- Go away! You're not fat, Chris. You just come from a long line of husky Griffins.

and we'll check your prostate. Uh, what?

Well, Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor. I didn't know you looked so good in shorts. What? Oh, You don't have an eye spliced in this mooring line. Here, I'll just tie a bowline in there and make one for you. That should hold her.

Oh, my God, you do have a crush on him. What, Mom? Why shouldn't I like him? When I'm with him, he makes me happy. And he needs me. Meg, you're fooling yourself. It's classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome. You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection.

(VOICE RISING IN PITCH) Little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with a song? Little four-minute movie that tells the story... Yeah, that only works when I do it. There, all done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel. (EVERYTHING I DO PLAYING)

the sooner I can get back to my cocaine and dollhouses. (LOUD SNORT) (TINKLING) Dinner is served. (SQUEALS EXCITEDLY) Get out!

This is treason!

How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman. (BRIAN BARKING) You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time. I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

For a pencil topper?

I'm finished. I'm done. It's over.

Wow. Wow, are you glad you left the lighthouse now, Seamus? Oh, I think so, Seamus!

Usually Peter would break the tie. (SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here! Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies. This is the one night we've set aside for our family.

We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes. I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you?

Here's where Brian goes berserk.

Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

oh! Just, uh--uh, step on these coasters on your way out. There we go. Yeah, yeah, don't--Don't step on the hot lava. The carpet is hot lava. I can't believe you guys! Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house? Because I like him! He remembers my name!

ahh! And plunged them down a thousand feet below to the Land of the Lost

Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies. Peter, wake up! What? W-w-w-- Stewie's covered with fleas!

(JOE LAUGHING) Wait a minute, who's that? I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy! (ALIENS LAUGHING) It's not the 7Up guy. Yeah, it is. Hey, say, "Crisp and clean, no caffeine."

I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? Hispanic from Spain? No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die? All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper.

you've gained some weight recently. It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.

(LAUGHING) Where's this guy been?

- Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar. Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

Lois had always been full of energy and life but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.

I'm pregnant! Dad, I swear to God,

- Hey, there, Adam. - Hello, Henry.

Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

Boy, this is fun, eh? Except for the fact we gotta sit next to that woman who came with her co-workers. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Aren't we all pals? I work at the office. This is empowering. Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probably gonna be talking about this forever. A woman who's so cool with all of this? Jackpot! All right, here's a cute-looking one.

H-hello. Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were telling me about. I'll show 'em a good time and get 'em to come around to our side. Uh, e-Excuse me. Uh, al--Al Gore, George W. Bush? - YeS? - Yes? Ah, Great. A-a-and--And what's your friend's name? Dick Armey. Pthht!

Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping? Sorry, bud, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, y-you see where I'm going with this. Oh! I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. Monkey in the closet.

Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!

It validates the work of a lifetime. It certainly does. Back to you, Tom. MAN: All right. We're clear. I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

Yeah, I think he'd be very offended.

Merry Christmas!

"No, just kidding, you suck." No, just kidding, you suck. STEWIE: "Queer." Queer.

I'm glad you're home, son. Me, too, Dad. You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. That sounds good to me. Me, too. Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? (ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY)

You took a black and white picture ofa lawn chair and its shadow and developed it at Savon, you must be so brooding and deep. Knock it off. No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things. Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta.

Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You've gone through a few yourself, you know. Yeah, Like those 2 weeks you spent narrating your own life. I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking but somehow I think she knew.

- Apology accepted. - Good.

Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose. Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette.

He's dead. (ALL MURMURING) Let him rest in peace. Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream. I can't believe Horace is dead.

Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella. Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can.

PETER: It was a great adventure. And it was great having Cleveland along with us again. He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check. Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself.

And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING)

(THROUGH SYNTHESIZER) I am overjoyed. This is the crowning achievement of my career. It validates the work of a lifetime.

I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors. PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: It's quite all right. I've seen worse. (WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING) PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE: A human centipede. How ghastly! Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin. You're a war hero. I don't feel like a war hero.

He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. - Where'd you hear that? - Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. But this one's true, Mom. You saw it with your own eyes, and then you reported it on Fox News. Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.

I can still breathe just fine.

Definitely. All right. You in, Joe? Yes, awesome! That would be splendid. Yeah, this isn't working out. All right, sorry, we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home. Damn right, you're paying for the full day! Guys, Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car!

Didn't you see The Godfather? A don can't refuse a favor on the day of his daughter's wedding.

Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell? No, no, no, no!

Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

- Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No? (GRUNTING) - Yeah, that's what happens, man. - Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what happens. (GRUNTING) Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?

If I believe in Jesus hard enough, I will not die.

It looks like his jugular is severed. I learned this at the hospital. Mr. Swanson, find me a first aid kit! Mom, hand me those towels. Did I hold on to the ball? Hang in there, Dad. I'm gonna get you fixed up.

Well, you should've thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse. I own you. Now, here's my post office key. I need you to go downtown and get the stuff from my PO box. You don't get your mail here? No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands. Like what? Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year.

Boy, eight months on patrol and nothing. You know, Rupert, I miss the Earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space... (ALARM WAILING) Uh-oh, Rupert, we've got company, and I don't think it's the Avon Lady.

Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.

Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one. Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad. Yeah. No, let's keep going.

You just ate a year's worth of food! Uh, What a waste of money. I'm still hungry. Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now! Well, So much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop. Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club Card.

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille.

Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp. That's where you belong! Peter, stop it! And I'd better not see you at the big dance!

Hello? Oh, hi, Angela. Hang on. Peter, it's your boss! I don't want to talk to her. She's gonna harass me. Oh, don't be such a baby! I'm sorry, Angela, Peter can't talk. He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture. What? (LAUGHS) He's writing your name in the shower door fog with his penis.

- (BB GUN FIRES) - (SCREAMING) Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! Welcome, apprentices. It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best,

PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub. Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt! No! Stewie, Daddy needs your tiny hands for a very special project.

Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong. Maybe you really don't care about this family. Peter, If you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading! The next time I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand? Who wants to sing show tunes? In old... Stop the car. Is that what you want, Mister? Because I'll stop. Pull over now.

Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theateR.

Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose. If we can break out of here, I've got an idea how to give the captain of this boat what he deserves. (DOOR CREAKING) Hey, where's the captain?

Is that... Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait. See, I'll fix it. No, no. Is that straight? I can't... (SHOUTING) Meg, sweep that up. Just get a broom. Sweep that up. Sweep that up. Put it up in your room, but sweep it up first! Suspect number two, he's the one who raped me.

Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching. Ha, I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning.

(GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan? Oh, my God! Oh, crap!

Otherwise, he'll assert his right of primae noctis. Oh, no, we're too late. (LAUGHING) I must bless this coupling with my flaccid English penis. CAROL: Oh, no! Oh, my! Come hither, that I may sire thee a dreary Brit!

(Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter.

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN) PETER: She's from the other part of the Ukraine!

I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards. I mean, do you have any idea... (GASPS) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING)

We're having much better luck developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons. Oh, damn.

Here, girl. Ah!

Hey, good-looking. Where have you been all my life? (CHUCKLING)

There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you. Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet,

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to Cops With Banana Guns. Freeze. Is that... Is that a banana? Don't worry about what it is. I'm still a cop. Whoa, hold on. All right, just take it easy. This can go a couple of ways.

Well, I was right to trust you with it then. And this is called waiting in line at the movies. It's what us regular people do. Trust me. It makes it that much more special when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger doing her whole scrunch-face routine. ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,

What does that... What are you driving at? Eat it. What? Eat my poo, Brian. You're out of your fucking mind. Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving.

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

Death to America And butter sauce Don't boil me I'm still alive

When you see the lightning, you count all the terrible things that can happen to a child, until you hear the thunder. And if you count higher each time, you know the storm is moving away from you. - Okay, ready? - Ready.

You dicks! Hey, how do you like that, Lois? We're gonna live!

Hi, honey. How was your physical? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape. You didn't go to your physical, did you? Uh, I did not.

and I shoot monkeys now.

I'm not pregnant.

No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked.

And it smells a lot better than I

Newsroom. Hello. This is Peter Griffin. You'd better stop saying that stuff or we'll watch something else! Today on The View, cooties, the silent killer. Lois? There's something we got to tell you. Yeah. We didn't stay in the haunted house. We're not brave.

Boy. Do I know that feeling. Ok, man. Ok. You are really throwing me off. It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it? Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. Not without 7 years of ballet and 2 of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people!

If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better If more people join in The song will get better

All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him?

Oh, my God, my old harmonica! I'm going to play this really loud tonight to get back at our Armenian neighbors. (MUSIC PLAYING) Hey. Hey, looks like a fun party. Um, hey, listen, it's 2:00 in the morning. Uh, when is your five-year-old going to go to sleep? Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves?

(SCREAMING) Das poop!

Peter, what the hell are you doing? Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud. I am going to kick... your... aSS.

Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do.... Just a city boy

Hey, can we sit there? No, these are saved. Where is Cindi?

Gosh, this has been an amazing week, Brian. I still can't believe you beat up that guy who tried to mug us. That was a great dinner. Yeah, I really liked that salmon you recommended. Yes. May I help you gentlemen? Hey, you're in a tough part of town. Now, give me your purse, doll face. Hey, you get your hands off that! I don't care how many of you there are, you're not taking this purse! The hell we aren't. Let's get him, boys!

You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works?

Oh, Brian, how droll! We'll have to put that into a cartoon. Or as we call it, an illustrated laughing square. Wow. You went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself. I went to Brown. My incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown. What year did you graduate? Well, I mean, I didn't technically graduate.

Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually. What? Ugh! Oh, You wanna dance? Ahh! Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ha! Ya!

Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday. There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now.

(LAUGHING) I think maybe you should keep 'em.

Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob.

Stop it! Stop it! That feels so good. There's got to be a way to get back at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris. I know! I know! I know! Let's plant drugs in his locker. Oh, my God! That's a great idea. Yeah, thought you'd like that. Hey, look at that Yosemite Sam mud flap. You had better stay back, Brian.

Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. Ew! It looks like a sad, old man. Hey, check it out, you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo. (ALL LAUGHING) She should've handed out cigars after that one.

To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing! Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man. Alyssa is all alone.

You ain't so tough, young man. That all you got, you son ofa bitch? You're going down, young man. You're going down! I can't believe this. She keeps getting up. I'm so exhausted. (CROWD GASPING)

Here's your martini, ma'am. Thanks. It's gone! I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one. What the hell is going on here? Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive.

Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker. I'm coming.

You are so fucking funny!

Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs?

Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me! That must be the sugar. Oh, God, that's good! Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me!

Yeah, and it smells bad. (EXCLAIMS) Dad, look! Holy crap! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.

What if they come in a different door?

dating back to my diminutive great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace. Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other!

Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!

You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice.

TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.

Well, just-- just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders. Thanks, Doctor. Wh--What are you doing here? I'm on vacation! Oh, And if anyone asks, I'm also on smack. Peter, this--this is a detox clinic.

Mmm, good Kool-Aid.

Oh, really? Define "decent." I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.

Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side only I know.

You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning.

Meg! You look so different. How was prison? First question, who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

JOE: So, what's the story, Quagmire? Do you observe any particular Japanese customs? QUAGMIRE: Oh, yeah, I'm very in touch with my Asian roots. You notice I take my shoes off whenever I enter my house. PETER: Oh, yeah. I do five hours of math homework every night even though I'm no longer in school. (JOE EXCLAIMS) Sometimes I drink out of a wooden box. Ah, very Asian.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh. Were we done cheering? (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) (PEOPLE CLAMORING) Oh, my God! That was a close one. Brian, what happened? I'm a pariah, Lois.

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff. Nice hanging with you, Jeff. I'm sorry about my parents. I hope they didn't embarrass you.

Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams. (LAUGHING) That's hilarious! I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, I gotta go to that Chinese dentist.

And now with sports, here's Framptal Tromwibbler.

You think Meg made it through the vent? Well, let's find out. Oh, there she is. She's in the kitchen. Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen. Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please. No, no, no, no, don't--don't use that mustard. Use the other mustard. Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there.

Oh, my God, I attacked Lois! What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist! I'm... I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan!

Hey, where's the captain? I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning.

If it was me, I would have done something about it. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! hey! Stop it. Stop it. - Ok. - Ok? - Ok. - All right. Hi, boys.

Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away from me, or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe. Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. What the deucE?

Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay. Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine.

(STEAM HISSING) (GROANING) (SCREAMING) Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.

Gimme A d-u-s-t! D-U-S-T! M-i-t-e-s! M-i-T-E-S! What does that spell? Dust Mites! Who's gonna win this game? Dust Mites! My God, what? What just happened to me? It's those sirens.

PETER: Hey, Stewie. Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there. Is it okay if I join you? STEWIE: No! Ahhh! (STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth?

Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing? Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? I--I died a little inside, yes. You happy now? Don't you use that tone of voice, you... What were you-- What were you going to say? "Fat ass"?

And K.I.S.S. is coming to the Northeast. That--That means... Um, That means-- No, no, Lois! Don't help me! It means we can do something. Come on, Peter. You're almost there. We can go to K.I.S.S.-Stock!

I want you bigger. I want you fatter. It will please me.

Well, if it isn't my old nemesis! I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects. Why the hell didn't you tell anybody? Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back. Well, you may have waited too long already. Lois is on a date with Quagmire, and you've gotta stop her before something happens. What? Oh, my God! Where is she? She's next door at his house.

I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the quahog Renaissance Faire. A word of advice. The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not L.S.D. and sideburns. And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him.

Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and... (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at that. Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there. You're a monster. You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976. Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter.

You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation.

(BOTH MOANING) (RITA SCREAMING) Was that your boob? God, no! I think I broke my hip. Oh, my God, what should I do? Call the number on my bracelet. It says "Murray Hill 4185." That's not enough numbers! That's the number, Brian. Just dial 0 and read it to Sarah.

Lois, you were always my favorite niece. I just knew you'd find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong. And now you're dead. Score one for Peter. Shh.

Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here. Well, I'm off to serve food at the soup kitchen. Now that I lived through this, I have to keep a promise I made to someone. STEWIE: It's God! Peter, what did you mean? (SIGHS) All right. You want the truth? They bore the hell out of me, Lois. Bore the hell out of you?

In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art. A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.

WEST: Well, if you're gonna do it, you're gonna need someone who's very good at disguise. Who said that? I'd love to go with you, but I can't. I'm supposed to be the gift table at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.

What is that? Sweet! It's some kind of lab. Hey, maybe it has one of those things that goes... (IMITATES ELECTRIC BUZZING) 'Cause that's important for science. Look at all this stuff. Burners, plastic tubing. 12 cases of cold medicine? You guys,

When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-isH. Sorry, MA. Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, Who's your frienD? It's a work thing, Ma. Near-death experiencE. Where are you going? I gotta take a leak. Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you!

Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say. Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad I risked my life and everything. Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that? Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart.

(HEART BEATING) Yeah, that's not supposed to be there,

Come on, Lois. If it makes you feel any better, I don't care. And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet,

HAPPY REPORTER: And now back to Channel Five News at Six! SAD REPORTER: Quahog's lowest-rated newscast. The president's dog just had puppies! There was a plane crash. Stewie, please tell me you know how to get us home. Of course I know how to get us home!

Are you sure that's a star? We've had this conversation! Yes, it's a star! It's got flashing red lights! Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane! I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

I really like this restaurant. You seem to like everything. Brian, you're acting a little distant. Yeah, get whatever you want. Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here. Oh, hey, Quagmire. Listen, Brian, I've been a real heel, and I'd like to make it up to you.

I wonder what else I've repressed? Oh, my God. I could've had a V8. It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself. Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes.

Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy.

I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't. If I had known having a son could be like this... How dare you? I didn't know! You have no right, man. No right. It wasn't my fault. (CRYING) You weren't there for me. Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? (BOTH CRYING)

Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. And thank you. Look, I know Stacy isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her. Hey, you're Tom Tucker... Argh! Hey! Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.

I don't think so. Neil, I'm a little out of your league.

Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays.

So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

What? What did you just say? Stewie, stop fussing. Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, You can't hear me now. All right, That's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet

(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone.

HERBERT: He rakes and trims the grass He loves to mow and weed I cook like Betty Crocker And I look like Donna Reed

if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself. Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to... Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown. Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of "S"...

He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement. Do you know why I stopped you? I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding. (LAUGHING)

Bon Jovi, everyone. Now I remember why I left Newport! It changes people. You kids have lost your values. You've lost your mind!

Holy crap! (SCREAMING) These are mine!

Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh?

and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping. What did you say? Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it. Did he? Yeah. And now every time you're sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.

- Oh, hi, Brian. - Hey, Lois. Listen, I have something I need to tell you, but it might be difficult for you to hear. What is it? Lois, - I think your father is dying. - What? Ha!

Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.

Oh, Jasper, where'd you get these brownies? They're from a bakery in the West Quahog gay district. I thought they'd help my depression. Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God, they pack so much fudge into these. And--And look at this. There's even a couple of nuts lodged in there. I'm going upstairs. Oh, I've got to do something. Jasper's always been there for me when I've needed him.

Hello, what's this? Well, Peter, you know how you always say you want to do more role-playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend, Anthony? No, not tonight, Lois. I just had a fart that hurt my balls, so I'm kind of out of commission right now. It's one of those ka-blam farts.

Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter, and we'll get Han back. Why are you wearing Han's clothes? Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it, like, strawberry sunset or ginger maiden, or one of those hair color names that's a random noun, like temptress. Oh, at some point, you have to let me braid it! Lois, what are you doing? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

No! Ahh, ha ha!

You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. She was? Yeah, absolutely. I had heard that, too. And her last name was Quagmire. Well, good enough for me. I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own.

And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it. (SIGHING) All right. Genital warts.

(YELLS IN PAIN) Those lying bastards at Johnson & Johnson!

Oh, my God! Road House! Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.

Peggy? Yes, Mr. Griffin. That fart I have at 3:00, can you push that up to now? Very good, sir. (FARTING) Lois, how could you let your idiot husband take over my company? He fired all my staff,

Can this day get any more stressful?

I told you not to shoot.

because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you want to see morE? Yes, please. Then you'll have to order my next tape.

Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I mean, I'm just saying, what does he, what does he need a desk for? Who the hell cares? I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk? Like, right before Yoda walked in. What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork? Was he, like, "Oh, Yoda. What do you need, "and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped.

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man

Uh, Brenda? Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years! Yeah. So, uh, I guess you're married now, huh? Yeah. hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

Brian, I want to introduce you to Joanna. Look out for this one, she's a bit of a card. Okay, here's one for you. What food can't make up its mind? This is gonna be good. (LAUGHING) A waffle. (BOTH LAUGHING)

This is taking forever That's why Brian is yawning And Stewie's rubbing his eyes The montage is almost over That's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now (MUSIC FADING OUT)

I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my life. I don't know who you were when you were drinking, but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are when you're sober. Yeah, you all stopped drinking because you were hurting your loved ones. But you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk. Let's make this our sanctuary. I wants me that beer.

(SIGHS) Twenty-five. That's how high I can count. We have been here for three hours.

You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.

10 seconds to re-expansion. I guess this is good-bye. For now. Oh, When you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.

Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better.

(GARBLED SINGING) ...the fields of gold

Well, I hope you can, Sharon.

I've been taking the blame for Rex. Eww! It's everywhere! It's ok. Meg, hand me my sweater. Jeez, Brian, where do you think you are? Payless? I say, I say, Paco, grab a mop. God's sake Could somebody get Patches out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt? Shh, It's ok. We'll meet you in the parking lot.

(MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth.

Yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said "no Portuguese," but... no Portuguese. So, I see here you worked for a family for a number of years. Can I call the Herculoids for a reference?

We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life.

No paper towels? Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth!

Well, that was quite a performance. My performance? What about you? "Golly, Lois, where do you shop? "Gee, your house looks beautiful. "Hey, I have an inside-out penis." I never said her house looks beautiful. Because, frankly, it didn't.

Tootie, it's 8:29! Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait! Now I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that drinking party!

You son of a-- Ahh!

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police. Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway! You're wrong, Meg.

fAce aww. Damn you all! Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please. Uh, Ok. Uh, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me.

I hate vegetables.

I know a guy who does good work. You took a big risk coming here, man. James Woods could be back any minute. I know. How fast can you do it? As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go.

Oh, I have a feeling he already knows.

We haven't had sex since your vasectomy. Yeah, I just don't feel like it, Lois, seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore. Honey, it was just a simple operation. It's no reason to give up on your sex life. I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Besides, it gives me time to try new things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers.

You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!

Has anyone seen my son? Hello? Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how! That's good old-fashioned family racism.

And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower. Yeah, he's been doing that for years. Sick bastard. This is it, Brian. My plan for world domination is about to come to fruition.

I've got to check if you've soiled yourself. Get off me! Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? Leave him alone. I hurt my elbow! I've got to get these trousers off. Somebody call the cops! I gotta see if you've soiled yourself. Nobody asked you to get involved! You idiot! Get off him, you jackass! sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, Looks like we're clean down here. You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward.

ANNOUNCER: Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz.

(PETER SCREAMING) Who did it? Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin' Bird is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone.

You know, sometimes, I feel like someone should just crucify Jesus of Nazareth. Crucify Jesus of Nazareth. - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Shut up. - No, you shut up. - I'm Judas. - Pontius. This is so weird, because just today I was thinking about how I wanted to find the son of God and nail him to some wood. Well, let's go find him and kick his ass.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut, cut, cut! Cleveland, what are you doing? I just figured I'd give Colonel Tushfinger an Australian thing. Colonel Tushfinger lives on the moon, you idiot. He talks with a moon accent, you know? (IN SILLY ACCENT) He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand?

Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? - From Black's. - What?

Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay? Oh, well, that's never happened before. Kind of don't know what to do next.

All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east.

Hey, was Beowulf a Teen Wolf sequel with Scott Baio? No. Ugh. Then I just totally failed that Medieval Lit midterm. So this is a Harvard bar, huh? Seems pretty normal. Hey, check it out, there's the Winklevoss twins.

A pox on quahog! Easy! If I ever go back tO quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick! Bon Jovi, everyone. Now I remember why I left Newport! It changes people. You kids have lost your values.

God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Muddy? Baby? Everything all right in there? MUDDY: Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone. (PLAYING BLUES PROGRESSION)

You don't look anything like yours. Yeah, that's a candid from a summer job I had. Well, you're much prettier in person. - Shall we go? - Yeah, sure. Don't wait up, boys. I like him. Really? He seems kind of lame.

Hang on, sweetheart. We're taking off. The cave is collapsing! This is no cave. What?

llrnow we'll be there by tomorrow And we 'ff escape the darkness We won 't be searching anymore Thank you very much. I don't understand it. This place should be jumping.

Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go.

(GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain.

Ugh! Everybody's always commenting on my weight. This is why I almost died from anorexia. (MACHINE BEEPING) You look fat. All right, I got the monkey bars all put together. God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them. Get out of here. Scat!

I heard a noise downstairs. (SIGHS) I'll go have a look. It's probably just the wined. The wind, dear. Is that how you say that? I've only seen that word written.

You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

Yeah. What do you think of that? Um... I'm not sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little creeped out. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

(HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois.

So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here.

This is gonna cost me a fortune. Brian! Ok, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's ricardo. Ricardo. Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.. Catching up. Ok, me first. I'm in love. Ooh. Too much dressing. He's from the Philippines.

(KEYPAD BEEPING) (SEDUCTIVELY) Hello there, handsome. I'm Classy.

What the hell, man? What the hell? Look what you did! You better put that thing on a leash, sir, or I'm gonna have to fine you. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty dog! What the hell were you thinking, Brian?

He died in office. You kids are mighty smart. You must have a powerful good teacher. Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything? Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here.

I hate Chris! He's such a jerk!

I... I don't get it.

Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are here to take what's ours. Well, I mean, technically it's yours,

Peter, don't stare!

Hey, is there anything I can do to help? Luke!

Okay, now add 20. Okay. - Now multiply it by four. - Okay. - And what do you got? - 8,008. And what does 8,008 look like on a calculator? Oh! "Boob!" Boob! Yeah! All right! All right! All right! Boob!

No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood! Blood?

You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)

Peter, don't forget you have a physical today at 1:00. For the hundredth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag, nag, nag. Sometimes I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.

All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car.

Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children. You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN? Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze. Well, 'Bye, everyone.

Come to the Virgin Dutch Front Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles. It's only a hop, skip, and a small plane ride that scares you something terrible. Hungry sharks, strong, rapey men, and them silverfish that you step on and scream. With money so colorful, you forget that it's worthless! So, bring your big white ass down here.

I thought you people were supposed to be jolly.

The end. (ALL CHEERING) Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.

I'm sorry, but The Drunken Clam is permanently closed. Closed? PETER: That was the start of the dark times. The banks took our bars, our businesses and then our homes. A change had to be made. A change only one man could make. (GUN COCKS) I am the Windmaker, and I shoot monkeys now.

This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."

Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses!

and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet? Now Chris, you know there's no such thing. No! Ahh, ha ha!

Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?

What a jackass.

I'm physically starved. Your father's utterly lost interest. He won't even look me in the back of the head anymore. I see. Well, I guess we're good to go then. Peter, are you sure this is what you want?

that the idea of...intercourse and the fact of your firm young body

Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar. Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here,

Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's this handshake business, huh? Come here. Come on. Come on, bring it in. Come on. Come on. I'm not really a hug person. Knock it off. Come here. Come on, bring it. Yeah, yeah. Hug it out, bitch. Hug it out, yeah. Spray that hug all over me.

Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!

- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way.

Aquaman. And Meg. Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.

Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Special needs. Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?

Everyone will think we're the bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. All right! I got a great idea!

Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop! I'm not picking up your poop! Hey, you! Pick up that poop. You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop. Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop! I need a plastic bag. Here's a thin napkin.

I could use a drink. Jack on the rocks, please. Hey, here's to exciting, new opportunities on the Internet. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. Oh. No, it's not you.

And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...

let him speak now. Really? Nobody's gonna speak up. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it. (SIGHING) All right. Genital warts.

One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone. Yeah. Now comes the best part. Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul.

I can see why. I mean, that halibut was... That may have been the best halibut I've ever had. Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let... I'll get that. I'll get that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. No, no, no, your money's no good here.

(BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING)

Clementine? Oh, thank you. Clementine? None for me, thanks. Clementine? Yes, thank you. Clementine? Yeah, I'll have one. - Ooh, softly. - Sorry. Yes, I'll have one. There you go. God, it's good to be old and nude.

I can't believe I agreed to four costume changes.

Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney.

No, no, No. I don't think so. I-It's not that I have ideological differences, i--I'm just not a hat person.

Hey, what's that? Where? What?

Dad, my favorite hen laid this crazy-looking egg! Cheep-cheep. What's your point, Brian? My point is that maybe I should go to the local state college and take some agriculture courses.

She's the kind of girl who's not too shy And I can tell I'm her kind of guy

First of all, I don't know what that is, and, second of all, no freaking way. Peter, it's the male equivalent of a woman getting her tubes tied, except, it's actually a lot quicker and safer.

Some say love It is a river That drowns The tender reed Some say love

I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid. I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!

I don't want a repeat of the last time I left you alone with one of our children. (SOBBING) It's just so horrible. I'm sorry, Lois. I thought if I shook him enough, he'd stop crying. I was kind of right.

Oh, my God. I could've had a V8.

- You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike!

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS)

I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off. Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here. You know what? Look, Cleveland, look.

Well, I don't like your cooking. Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry. You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli. It's like an Irish bar fight down there. You're from one town over, so I hate your guts. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton. We'll get past it somehow. All I know is, I don't want to do anything to hurt you. Oh, Peter! Why are you naked in my house? Why aren't you? You're all right, Griffin.

That's what's gonna close the deal with this woman? Well, yeah. Why not? You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show. Really? Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half. What? Saw me in half. Well, I am still a little shaky on some of this stuff. I guess I could use the help. Great. And we'll get you a wand, a top hat and a cape.

oh, Peter. Just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine.

(BAWLING) Ugh. Get a tan.

I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball! Oh, no. I'll wait. Oh, You finished? I'm sorry. you know, It's my fault, really. I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.

No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't--Oh, God! I--I got all these magazines. Oh--Oh, God! oh, God!

Aw. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher, and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em. I gotta fight for my right to party!

We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Come on, Pearl! Don't do this! You should be happy! I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor! Now, move! Your fur is making my feet sweat! Ah, Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life. Oh, Sure. Warbling for Vick's VapoRub and Dippity-Do! No, No, pearl. I mean--

oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song. Wanna tell you i love your way ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life.

I don't know. You're the one talking about the weather. So... Looking forward to the weekend? (SCREAMS) It's okay. It's just us. Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us. Have you seen any sign of Muriel?

Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you a kangaroo T-shirt.

"zero hour "9:00 a.M. "And i'm gonna be high "As A kite by then

I stand behind my decision. This press conference is over. I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom. Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. Damn fine. Diane?

All we need is music, sweet music CHORUS SINGERS: Sweet music There'll be music everywhere CHORUS SINGERS: Everywhere They'll be swinging, swaying, records playing Dancing in the street Ohh!

I promised myself I'd work that in. I might've jumped the gun.

(RETCHING) (LOUD GROAN)

You obviously have no respect for either of us.

Don't tell me you're K.I.S.S. freaks, too? K.I.S.S. army soldier since 1977. How about you? '76. I don't think anyone knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. I'm--I'm sorry. What was that? Peter, It's not important. Let him answer, Lois! I said, no one knows more about K.I.S.S. than I do. Fellows, please keep it civil. I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave.

Oh, What the hell.

Looks like we got Imperial Cruisers on our tail. Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone, you are driving.

It was a long drive up here. No, go right ahead. We should do something without him sometime. Do you like tapas? Someone invited me out for that once. I thought they said topless, so I was like, "What?" That's a good story. Hey, you know, that was really cool how you told us what Snowbird was about. Well, you know, that's just the way I always interpreted the song.

Well, it's like if you were... Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave in a century. That's right, Diane. We now go live to Ollie Williams with the black-you weather report. How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.

- (GROANS) - Doggie! - (GROANS) - Doggie! Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! (SCREAMING) Oh, jeez.

Well, it shouldn't, because that's my side boob.

I don't think they choose that. Oh, please, they choose that. (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people? What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room.

Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who.

i'm Morley Safer. I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Ed Bradley. I'm Lesley Stahl. And one of you is hung like an elf. I feel so naughty. Lois, what are you doing?

You must be so relieved. Well, Actually, i--I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. Oh, well, Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Hey, You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs.

You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the dark side. I got pages of these, I could go on.

Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! All in a day's work. Remember, If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone.

Why not? I'm God. Well, what do you want to do about the breasts? Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for. I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom.

(LAUGHS MENACINGLY) Hmm. I don't know if I like the sound of that laugh. I knew I didn't like the sound of that laugh! Peter, this is unacceptable! What gives you the right to treat me like this? You've been treating me like crap for 20 years, Mr. Pewterschmidt, and now I'm the one in charge. Hang on a second. (SHARPENER WHIRRING)

but after all, it was just a prostate exam. You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there. Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore.

You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind. But first, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it. (SNIFFING) - PETER: No! Oh, well.

But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

Sure! Okay, then let's... Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! - Oh, really? - You bet. How would you like to take a half-pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese?

(GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

Oh, w-w-Wait. This is the best part! He dances! I've seen enough. How Inappropriate. I haven't had sex in 4 years. Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly- line worker, but you'll be happy to know, our company does not pay him to think. I'll take this.

Wha-- Wha-- What did you just do? No! You killed my brother!

Peter, you're really putting away those Mentos. These aren't Mentos, Lois. Everybody, you're looking at a guy who's gonna set a new world record. I am gonna eat more nickels than anyone has ever eaten before. Setting this world record is gonna make me famous... just like the world's fattest twins over there.

We go to bed at different times.

I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine! Mmm, Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say? Well, Aren't I the wicked one? Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting. Oh, And I suppose the bilious curds you force-fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then?

Oh, my God! We're going down. (ALL SCREAMING) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Secure your own mask first and then assist the child. But the bag is not inflating. It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.

Who ate all the pecan sandies?

Joe, look at me! look at me! Do I have food in my teeth?

You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system. Now it feels like they're not losing enough. The hell with you guys. You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now.

Jason Gallagher. Present. Meg Griffin. Oh, Sorry I'm late, Mr.-- Here.

It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things. Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected.

This must be Fish Stench Cove. All right. Now all we got to do is find the fish. I wonder where that fish did go. A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh.

This ticks me off, so much! Jeez. Oh, man!

Hey, how you doing, Brian? Lousy. I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. Brian and Jinx are friends. Get that out of here. Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV?

He needs to learn it on his own. Why don't you get him a job or something? Whoa. Freeze-frame! That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. Go--Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her.

Blast you, vile woman! Ooh, That won't do. Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. Hey, ugly. Excellent! Sweet. Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

All right, well, fine, okay? I'm not the perfect mother. - Who is? - (SCOFFS) Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the furthest thing from. From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world. To...

Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in. Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone. (DOOR BUZZING)

Anyway, I got a fax earlier about cheap airfare to Cancun. Didn't know if that was you trying to reach me.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point.

He must have gotten into the chicken feed again. You'd think they'd know it wasn't in their diet, but this is how they find out. You may want to close your mouth.

The horse is right behind the car.

It turns out our last shipment of holy water is tainted. Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen? (TOILET FLUSHING) We'll call you when we get a new shipment in.

Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. You're so fatherly. It really turns me on. STEWIE: Brian, there's no more graham crackers.

Peter, just say "what." Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now, Lois. This is not a race. Okay, I wanna say "who." Oh, boy. Fantastic Four. Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas.

In closing, although it seems pretty clear that my client committed this murder, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you found him not guilty. That's your closing argument? Those karate lessons are really paying off. Thank you, Sensei. Welcome.

If I had anybody else, anybody else to choose from, I would. You are the best of a bad situation. Nothing more. I use you, man. Yeah, I would know if you were using me. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit. And you know why I did it? Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could.

(BEEPS) Oh, look at that. There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years. (ALL SLURPING) TV's not even plugged in. (CROWD CHEERING) What is this? Where the hell are we?

Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face? Okay, look why don't you go back to bed, all right? (GASPS) Who are you? Where's Dan? Oh, my God! Oh, crap! (GRUNTING) Quick, Stewie! Get the bat!

That twinkle? That's me plotting my escape. You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What--What else do you hate? People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards! Oh--oh, People who use the word "guesstimate." Guys who wear sandals with socks! Jason Patric! Ew!

You can have me. (GIGGLING)

Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis? Peter, would you stop being so jealous? I dated Ross 20 years ago.

You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous. Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius. Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this.

Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad? Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years.

I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. (INAUDIBLE)

And they drive their shiny Datsuns and Buicks Back to the phone company the record stores, too Well, they're nothing like Billy and me 'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun (MOOS) I got a feeling I'm not the only one

Lois Griffin is a slut. What? Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. Someone we can trust.

She learns things eventually. It just takes her longER.

Okay, I shoot Pat Tillman, then run over the horizon. No. He's on our side! You charge the enemy... Right, and shoot Pat Tillman. No, no, no, no! Well, you know what? You're gonna have to explain it to me again, 'cause it sounds to me like I'm repeating back to you exactly what you're telling me, and obviously, you're hearing something different, so just one more time.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHING POLITELY) I'm not sure what's happening.

Okay, well, that's just some dumb tranny. Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you.

Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom! Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis.