comb.io - Clips

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Joyce Kinney. Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever. That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own, Brian Griffin.

When we were married, your father made me conceal the fact so he could get into country clubs.

So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist. Worth it! (GROANING) You fool!

Oh, these clothes.

Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you? Easy girl. What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? Quagmire's got you. Lois! Somebody! Yeah, Yeah. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!

Lois, where is my supper? Still in the oven! Will I have it soon? Quite soon! Thank you! You're welcome! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Dear God, please once morE! Uh, Sorry, Stewie. A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham. I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painleSS.

And take me dancing tonight This is a joyous occasion. You've engaged the entire tribe in dance. According to our customs, you're now married to my daughter. I couldn't be happier. Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all.... What?

STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart... (ALL GASPING) Did the... Did the cork hit me?

I told her she was fat. No. No.

Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo. That's not happening.

(PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

yeah, Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me I'm Presidential Peter Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world From Hartford to Back Bay It's Peter, go, Peter, M.C. Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me

Awesome, great, thanks.

- Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?

But the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC,

Hi, Cleveland Hi, Joseph

Peter, stop it. Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Peter, knock it off! You're gonna hurt yourself. You're getting her good. Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. You horse's ass!

And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands, he didn't lose his ability to feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.

I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. Oh, Come on! And when I freeze-frame, that's you driving the car. Well, There's your hook!

Son of a bitch! (TIRES SCREECHING)

I choke myself every day, you bastard.

Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do. (CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days.

I'm asking you who's on first! (GROWLS) (PETER SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song! (PETER SCREAMING) (PIANO PLAYING)

Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes. A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual. But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once!

Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done.

You and I are like two... Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one!

So stay inside and stay cool. I think I saw one of her nipples! Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.

I really enjoy being with you, Ross. I'm having a great time. Oh, my God! That's who that is.

(MAN On T.V.) We now return to Gilmore Girls. Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not. - Oh, you're so lying. - I so am.

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN.

I'll give you a situation, you fat turd!

Murdoch? Here and crazy. B.A.? I pity the fool. But I also suggest ways he may better himself.

You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC) Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance.

You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married.

Probably because you're so fat. Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. That check is obviously an oversight. Not necessarily. Maybe I'm like their one millionth customeR. What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week? Um, Yeah. On what? Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?

(GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie. You're acting crazy out there, man. (SIGHING)

Ooh, Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day. Well, Now I don't know, after the emotional trauma I've endured on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount. Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office. Well, Then maybe I'll just take my business elsewhere. Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday.

Coming up, children are getting sexier, and that's... That's pretty cool. This is so humiliating. I sold out everything I believed in, and I have nothing to show for it. My book's a bomb. Well, look at it this way. You did accomplish something. Marijuana's illegal because of you,

I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney!

(CHOKING) Mom, Stewie's dead.

A friend of mine staying in my house got, um, injured, and my homeowner's insurance wouldn't pay her doctor bills. Said the policy didn't cover an "Act of Rod." Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.

No, no. I got one last plan, Meg.

Colin Farrell, so I was talking to my wife, Dixie, the other day... and she was saying that you weren't a very good actor. And I agreed with her. Now, why, Colin, why would we both say that? All right, that's it. Jeremy must be destroyed.

So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off?

I'm filthy? i'm flithy? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that? Hmm? Aah! How dare you!

that the idea of...intercourse and the fact of your firm young body

I can't believe Carter would sacrifice millions of lives just to protect corporate profits.

Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive.

Oh, man, that's a tough one. What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours. Some of them aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there? (ALL SNICKERING) Ow! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it!

Kali Maa. Kali Maa. Kali Maa! Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Om Namah Shivayah. Now let's move on to the washing of the hands.

But full-blown AIDS Not H.I.V., but really Full-blown AIDS

JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads. They want to pick up Class Holes for 22 episodes! Really? Yeah, aren't you thrilled? Uh, I'm not sure. Hey, guys, the chimp just ripped the other girl's boob off.

Wow, I never heard of that before. Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today, except people who have polio get into heaven. (PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. This is my favorite song of all time!

you've gained some weight recently. It's 5 pounds at the most. It's not a big deal. It's a slippery slope, Lois. You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom! You wake up and you're on The Practice with 16 rings in your ear. You're one to talk. Look how fat you are. Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.

You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! Welcome, apprentices. It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

We'll be on the ground in 10 minuteS. Aw, jeez. We like being alive, we like being alive We like being, oh, we like being, oh, we like being alive I guess it's their time.

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs? This movie's gonna suck.

The ball is on a string and attached to the cup. So there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup. And cleanup is as easy as catching a ball in a cup. So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup? Ball in a cup Ball in a cup It's a ball in a cup Ball in a cup!

I love Barry Manilow. Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded!

(MUSIC PLAYING) Boy, that was really gay.

"If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it."

Evidence, Brian. I'm gonna find just the right piece of incriminating evidence to bring down this company.

Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking? So the housewife tells the plumber, "Okay, you cleaned my pipes, now get to work on that sink." (BOTH LAUGHING) And there's Bill Gates! Is there some joke area of a beaver eating a woodpecker? Is that something? Would that work?

(ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? She calls herself an assistant, but yes. What is it, Sandra? There's a man here to see you. He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. Really? Well, then, by all means, send him in! Hey, knucklebutts! BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods?

Even though they killed my Lord I need a Jew

You must be Autumn Daniels. Welcome to Barncliffe school for girls. We're your roommates. I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy. Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other,

No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?

The Purple Head of Cairo,

My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, It's excitement you want, eh?

Get all the marmalade.

In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie.

WOMAN: Dingo and the Baby. 97.1, Quahog. MAN: Oh, baby. (MAN BURPS) (FART) What the hell are you doing? What the hell does that have to do with anything? They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o. (BARKING) Dingo. (BABY GURGLING) Dingo and the Baby.

You are one lucky-- Ah-ah, Stop now. Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them. I do them because I love my family. Lois loves her family. Lois loves her family. Lois and the family sitting in a tree See, Lois, the guys would've found that hilarious.

(GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye. A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye!

Hi, Jimmy. I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. (STAMMERING) Oh, I... Hang on. (GUN FIRES) I'd love to go, Meg, but I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night.

Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future. Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. My God, Brian. What the hell?

I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche. What's that, now? Yeah, I don't like him, either. Yeah, me neither. Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons.

It was land mines. Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta. Come on, Peter.

I am positive we know somebody who was in the Peace Corps. Look, it's me, all right. He got the idea from me. Brian, what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't do it on purpose. And before you fly off the handle, you may want to think about it. The kid's obviously confused. This might be good for him.

Indeed, yes, sir. I did.

Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody, spit on Meg. Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay! I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you.

Editor? Wow. Gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. (STUTTERING) What do you got? Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl.

Uh-oh. What? Hold on to something.

Come on, dudes! Who wants to hop in my wheels, and head to the beach for some ultimate Frisbee? Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you. I can't... I can't do that.

Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.

Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

(GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy. Well, Jesse, I guess we got to find some other way to spend our evenings. MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now back to ESPN's exclusive coverage of the Little League World Series. Oh, jackpot!

he landed a cushy job cleaning the warden's office. Okay, you clean up the warden's office while I go pop out a pinecone. Hey, you know what'd be funny? You should take one of those records and play it over the PA system. No, you shouldn't do that, but it'd be funny. Okay, I'll be back in three and a half minutes, the average length of a song on any long-playing album.

Peter, I-- Look, The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sisteR. Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell. Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. Now give that back to Mommy. Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. That is enough. You, you struck me.

Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.

Quagmire teaches a class? How come I've never heard about this? 'Cause Quagmire forbids us to tell you about his life. As you may recall, he hates you. Wouldn't help me anyway. It's a hopeless situation.

Oh, hey, Meg. What have you been up to?

My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed. My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist. My name is Amanda. And my water just broke. Oh, my God! Yo, it's my turn to deliver. Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away.

ahh! AHh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

All right, Brian. Your family's here to bail you out.

Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! Don't mention it, Peter. (CHORUS SINGING) Have fun! Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.

Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! So how was your day? My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll!

Oh, 'cause it seems like you're saying the first part in English and then some kind of made up phalumpf-phalumpf or something in the second part.

Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane. Oh, that's just great, Lois. Thanks to you, I missed a moment of television history. Well, now you know how George W. Bush felt when he showed up in Vietnam.

I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY) You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here?

Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots. Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland... Brian. Yeah. If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were because we're out.

Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy?

How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual.

Okay, now add 20. Okay.

I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! Stewie, go to sleep!

Yes, your anguish sustains me. Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school... make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what. Tomorrow you and I are gonna go out and get you some brand new outfits. Maybe a pair of those low-rider jeans that'll show off your cute butt, huh? Really? Wow, thanks, Mom. Meg in low-riders.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed!

It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts. No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.

All right, boys. Go get 'em over there. And now, please welcome Mr. Bruce Jenner. (ALL CHEERING)

Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy! One good one for every 10. Ho-ho! Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors.

Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey!

QUAGMIRE: Peter, Joe's right. That's only a movie. JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted! QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter.

Sitcom Punch Lines of the 80's. Including such gems as "I think it's time for plan 'B,'" "Smooth move, Ex-Lax" and "That went well." Also, "Check, please!" Plus, "Open mouth, insert foot" and "Wait, if you're here, then that means... Oh boy!"

Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully. Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. Just go back to where you came from, and stay there!

Oh, gosh, this is hard. Yeah, could I get a better look at number two? And, number four, could you step forward, too? Okay, number five, look at number one. Look at him like you haven't seen him in a while and you're happy. Okay, not too happy, not too happy. Pull it back, pull it back. Okay, and number three, could you say,

We are all gonna die! I can't believe this is happening.

Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES) In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys last night when a trouser malfunction caused him to expose his testicles. Sure glad I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.

This--This is, like, the '90s, man.

Well, Fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar. There we are. Well,

All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent. Go! (SCREAMING) Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you! Quagmire, check it out. I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together.

We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date! That guy'll bang anything. Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner? I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge. Hey, Peter, do you mind? - But I have to get dinner. - Go out! Peter, nothing's gonna happen. Don't you see? She's only doing this to get a rise out of us. If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.

Well, It's late. I better head homE. What do you mean "home"? You guys live here. Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age, and neither do I. Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh." Are you sure? I thInk--think I did. All right. Well, just to be safe, oh!

Do you or do you not know about the bird? Oh! God! 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-b-b-bird, bird, bird... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

PETER: Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!

Next on your list, you want to learn to ballroom dance. (SLOW WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING) All right, if you're going to make me do this at least let me lead. Fine. You lead. All right then.

Good evening, Death Star. Tonight a special report on the controversial attack on Alderaan. While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction... (GRUNTS) (GROANING) My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke.

STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind?

Brian, this is a Sunday School class. The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring. But these are just kids. Oh, Yeah? What's your name? Ricky. They're not kids. They're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!

Peter, you're acting like an idiot. Oh, yeah? I don't like the way you've been acting lately. I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with. Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter? Will you guys stop fighting, please? What's wrong with Meg? Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month. Not again.

(SHOUTING) Lois, can I have a Pop-Tart in bed, please? Lois? Hey, Chris? (DISTANTLY) Yeah? Do you think Lois would be okay if I ate a Pop-Tart in bed? Probably. Probably, right? Lois, you in the bathroom? (GASPING)

Oh, shit! That's it! Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock. Hey, Stewie.

I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on.

Like deciding whether or not you're going to have time to masturbate. Peter, I'm gonna run and pick up Stewie. I'll be back in five or ten minutes. Well, which is it? It's like I told you, Lois. This time it's different.

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me!

I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING)

Okay, guys, I got one. Would you rather get a massage from a man, or surgery from a female doctor? Wow. Like, minor surgery? No, serious surgery. Like a blown kidney or something. Geez. Good question, Peter. - Is the man gay? - No.

We have to give away Humpy?

What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it.

He had some strippers in the studio. They sounded hot. Then he made a joke about a negro. But Robin laughed, so it was okay.

Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite. Scooter, how come we've never met you before? Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table.

Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan. No! She said no. Should we still do it? Yeah.

Listen, I'm really sorry, Stewie. I know how much Rupert meant to you.

No! No! You do not go on this lawn!

Can I go now? Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid. If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep. No, I... Wait. What? You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember. You fondled me while I was asleep? Yeah. I don't think I like that. Well, it's done.

Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball. You can't just take some Korean-made velveteen primate and call it Rupert. Now, come on, this is all time we could be using to find Rupert's kidnappers. Look, I may as well come clean with you.

Nothing else has worked so far So I'll wish upon a star Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew

Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg?

In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an ok guy in small doses.

"And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented.

(MUSIC PLAYING) All right, Quagmire. Time for your lap dance. No, guys. I can't do that. It's degrading to women. Come on, Quagmire. It's got to be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down. (SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?

You stupid fat bastard!

Commandment Number 4: When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right? Now, come on, let's get going. Ooh, look at that. "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year." What did I say? MAN 1: "Hassle-free checking." MOSES: Damn it! MAN 2: "Mancow in the morning." Shut up!

I'll try. Thanks, Mom. I love you. I... You, too, honey. (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.

Then how come I never heard of it?

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.

I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever!

Clementine? None for me, thanks. Clementine? Yes, thank you. Clementine? Yeah, I'll have one. - Ooh, softly. - Sorry. Yes, I'll have one. There you go. God, it's good to be old and nude. Look, Carter, you can't be that surprised. I mean, it's just human nature to suck up to the people above you,

(LOUD EXPLOSION) Uh-oh.

And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain! Thanks Ollie. And Finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. Trisha? Thanks, Tom.

Bond? James Bond.

Yeah. Boys. Yay, I helped. - Cheryl, wait. - Jillian. I'm sorry. I'll do anything, please! Meg? Yeah, this still happens sometimes.

Hey, Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it. Mr. Griffin, Time for your speech.

Meg, don't talk to your father like that!

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey!

Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family. On your marks, let's start the Family Feud! With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!

Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bedsheets.

Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me. Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. Why wouldn't you look at me during?

Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived. Why? You'll see. Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!

What exactly are you looking for? According to my schematics, it should be right in here. Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say?

- 0h, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. Eh. Brian, will you carry me upstairs? I want to look at my toys. - No. I'm watching television. - Come on, I'm sick. All right. Come here.

It's got a hint of coconut in it. And something else... But that's part of the mystery. Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right?

Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they? You! You're a whore!

Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman!

Don't move! Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! No! Wait!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Now, whoever goes the longest without puking... gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. Okay, here we go. - How's everybody doing? - Good. Good so far. All right, all right. - Nothing yet. - Cool, cool.

Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking. All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer Is all I really want this year!

How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian. I've already been through 2 jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26!

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

Hi, you gays, guys. Girls.

Oh, That's what that is. Take what I want, huh? Good morning, Joe. Uh, PetEr, What are you doing in my pool? Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7,

Or like 2 college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown we're Rhode Island bound

Oh, my God. I could get away with anything. "And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!

We're being pursued by two objects. Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.

You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING) Tell the other bears what you just saw. Well, I don't care 'cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're someplace where a TV is. But first, get ready, Quahog, because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend at the Quahog Performing Arts Center. (SCOFFS) Barry Manilow. What a joke. So stupid. And boring as hell. Yeah, no kidding.

What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth, before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end.

That's your sense of humor?

All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? Um... $675, Bob. $675. Steven? $780. $780. Tammy? What was the last bid? $780. $781. ...you!

Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what... Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.

This is easier than an American finding his brother in China. Ron? Ron, where are you? Over here, Paul! Oh, good, there you are. It's pretty here! Yes, it is.

(SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot. I'm totally breaking up with him. I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys. But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school. (SIGHS) Yeah, you're right. God, they all suck so much. I need a new challenge. What if... Wait. Now, bear with me on this. What if I date a loser and make him over into a popular guy?

Ok. We've narrowed it down to 2 possible names. Uh, All in favor of "Bugs Bunny"? Mmm-hmm. And all in favor of "Ephraim the Retarded Rabbit"? Oh, You can all go to hell!

Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! (ALL LAUGHING) Randy! Nerd! Randy!

Everything in my life was wonderful. But then a few months ago, I turned 40. ALL: Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally,

And the award goes to... Brian Griffin! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, Wow! My God!

(PETER SCREAMING)

Where are we going? Wait! Don't tell me! Oh, boy! Mom, can I keep him? Well, it's a big responsibility, Chris. That means you'll have to clean up after him and feed him. What do you eat? Attention. I like your hair. Still hungry. You have a beautiful speaking voice. I'm full.

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."

Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down. Ahhh! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God!

We made it. Yeah, we made it.

Well, You've come a long way from hiding from the vacuum cleaner.

Mine just says, "Dear Lois" and After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me? Yeah. P.S... Oh, oh, Hold on a second. H-hold on. Hold on. Relax. Everybody relax.

First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street! JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all,

(GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg. Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance.

Taylor Hanson's a guy. You guys are yanking me. Hey, Let's put one over on old Quagmire. No, h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire. What? Well This is insane! That's impossible!

mmm. - Peter! - Oh, Sorry.

(DOORBELL RINGING) (LOIS GROANS) (IN SEAN CONNERY'S VOICE) Is this 31, Spooner... Get out of here! Just get the hell out of here!

Now, remember, Chris,

It's on, like, channel 100 or something. Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular. It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody ever watched that show. Yeah, I never caught it. Well, he's been in some big movies.

Could you have accommodated an owl?

Oh, there you are. Thank God. Well, we're Room for Improv-ment. So without further ado, I need a place. MAN 1: Your ass! Okay, come on now. Something serious. MAN 1: Your mom's ass! Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh? Okay, a real place. MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy on Third and Maple. WOMAN: Give them the hours. MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to... Okay, I heard "pharmacy."

Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! All in a day's work. Remember, If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone.

I wrote that! You stole this from me.

(MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1. MAN: Cool weekends in the morning. MAN 2: All weekend long. Weenie and the Butt. In the morning. In the morning. - On the radio. - FM. Give me that. Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth. Stewie Griffin.

But, Dad-- Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS. Don't look at me! I'm hideouS! Peter, How could you treat Chris that way?

Oh, cool! They got Car Chase GPS.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started. You're not gonna get dinner started. She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen.

Okay, you ready for some polo? All right, this is more like it. Where's Buttercup? Oh, only members can ride Buttercup. Guests have to ride Topsy, the 'roid rage horse. (SNORTS) Now, whatever you do, don't say his trigger word. - What? - (SCREAMS) That's his trigger word!

Chris, what are you doing here?

What is this? Spit Soup? Tomato bisque. What is this? Snot Soup? Tomato bisque! What is this? Diarrhea soup?

Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?

Here I go, down the slope. Oh, I'm going zib, zob, zoobety-bob.

Peter, are you there? I can hear you breathing? Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... other than the fine programs on Fox.

As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard!

(MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go. (SMASHING)

Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it?

Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you. Oh, They won't! Because I'm never going back to that school again! Um, Dad, after dinner, could you help me with my algebra? Hey, You're a big man. You figure it out! You know, I bet there's a part of you that really wants to be friends with them.

Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn. Help! I'm lost in corn!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags!

What were you doing the night of March 8th? Fuckin' your mother. Come on, man, that's not cool. Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you. (FARTING)

Isaid now! That's good about your modeling, Lois.

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.

I also have your rental records from the quahog Video Store. Can you read the last 2 titles, please? Uh, Son-in-Law and Bio-dome. And who's the star of those films? Uh, Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore! Oh, He's terrible! But I-- No-- I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.

What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder. Nope.

Hit me. Peter, don't. - Hit me. - 21. - Hit me. - Peter! - Hit me. - That's 30. Hit me.

All right. So, you're gonna just sit here and enjoy it. I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

There are no parachutes! All I could find was this! A raft? We're not sinking. We're crashing!

I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER) Hey, fuck you, man.

You should see the way I have to pick up chicks. Hi. (GIGGLING) Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Munch-a. (CHUCKLES) Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says, "Property of Stewie Griffin"?

You know, if you had any balls, you'd put that gun down,

Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! Holy crap! Sweet! (CHUCKLING) (HUMMING)

Birthday sports! No, just sports!

What was that first thing you said? Oh, I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. I mean, I was just remarking what a nice tie you have on. I love this tie. All right, you folks take care now.

The 20th Maine. So many lives lost. All in pursuit of the ideal that no man should be subjugated because of the color of his skin. These boys paid the ultimate price here. For equality. For humanity. You're welcome. I'm sorry? I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know?

Hi, fellas. Hey, look, it's Snoopy. Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock? Ah, that's... That's a good one. Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby, and you guys took his candy earlier.

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

Everybody gets called for jury duty, you stupid idiot.

Are you calling me a liar? Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man!

My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130r000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear-- 135, going once. I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know?

(ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do? Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea.

You know, Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. In fAct, it constricts the blood vessels, causing-- Shut up. The dog just told me to shut up. I demand to know what you plan to do about this. Hey! Hey! the dog just told me-- Be quiet, Stewie. Freezing my nips off out here.

Evil monkey holds the key Evil monkey's gonna get me I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth Evil, evil monkey Evil, evil monkey

Oh, my God. It was him! It was James Woods! He killed her! Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer! Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here!

ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah. But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. No thanks, I am stuffed. So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words. Check out my penis!

MAN ON TV: Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,

Nobody move. All right? Nobody do nothing. Don't want to make them mad. (AIR HORN BLOWS) (ALL LAUGH) Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop!

Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter.

(SOBBING) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard. Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship.

Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

The port is quite good. Yes, quite good. Indeed. certainly. What year is it? '51. Ah. Delectable. Indeed. Oh, dear! What is it? I spontaneously combusted. Oh, I am Sorry. It's all right. I'm tired of living. Very good then. - For the best. - indeed. Is it raining again?

Don't let him get away!

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, I never expected this! Oh, I'm so, so honored! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Hey! That's not a girl! It's Enrico Palazzo! No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals! Get him! (ALL CLAMORING)

I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle." (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Wow, that's turning out good. Gotta use that. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Aye. Aye, aye, mate. "It sure is not so very nice in this part of London." (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Oh, wow! That one's really good. Go ahead and keep that one to myself. How bad would I kick myself if someone ran off and made millions with that?

(MIMICKING ED SULLIVAN) Hey, Ron. Tonight, we got a really big show. Reagan does impressions.

State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl.

Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas?

Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds. They certainly wanted to hug me. Maybe, in time, you will, too. Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker. Good night. (NEWSCAST THEME PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE)

And I need money for bourbon and anime. (SLURRING) Well, I just can't understand any of this. Everybody in Japan is either a 10-year-old girl or a monster.

Oh, man, see that? Everybody's getting laid but me. BAR PATRON: Oh, come on! Hang on, I'll fix it. Oh, my God, is he dead? I think he might be dead! Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead.

I died! I died!

Peter, stop it. Welcome to our home, Joan. I'm Lois. Won't you come in? Oh, boy! My own maid. This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took. It's the Great Space Coaster Get onboard on the Great Space Coaster We'll explore a comet ride of fantasy

(LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.

What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything? No, it's too dark.

Get your fat ass back here.

The final plague is the death of the first-born son. Oh, No! Stewie! The first-born son. Meg. Your wife. Chris! Chris! Oh, my God. Are you ok? Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light. No, Chris! No!

Holy crap! I am freaking out!

you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy! Without Sex Ed, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson. The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter, what the hell is that?

Dad, look at the facts about sex. "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car.

Say good night, you Nazi bastard. It's time to give you a proper German funeral.

Wow, that was terrific, Jessica. It was good for me, too. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Got you again, Quagmire. You said you were that waitress from Friendly's!

Children, the time of ascension has arrived. Oh, For the love of God. Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me.

(Lois) Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute. You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson. You... You don't find me attractive anymore.

Mmm, Good for you. I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat.

Something to relax you before you go on? Peter, are you offering Brian drugs? Not drugs, Lois. Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform. Well, those celebrities are wrong! Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right iS. 2 minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli! Oh, Come on, baby! Mama's gotta sparkle!

Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip To the aUthorities. Good. Good.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

No drugs. She's good. He's clean.

Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.

Chris, go to your room!

Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year. That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair? Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

When you see the lightning, you count all the terrible things that can happen to a child, until you hear the thunder. And if you count higher each time, you know the storm is moving away from you. - Okay, ready? - Ready. Okay. Drowning. Getting shot in a drive-by. Lyme disease from a deer tick. Good, good. Getting stabbed in the face.

Come on, get in the car! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)

Yeah, Kent hates me now.

I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.

Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in.

So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

Conservative Republicanism is the answer. Good. Good for Brian.

He's everything that every guy should be Sable, popcorn white wine, That Guy Gingham, bluebirds Broadway is That Guy

You know, I got some candy in my van, if your kid wants some. Oh, great!

How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.

We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better. Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy. That's a good kitty. What the hell was that?

time to send you back to hell! (YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids. They're trick-or-treaters.

No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

Are you sure he can't see me?

I've voted before. I stuffed the ballot box at the Oscars. And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are, Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature. Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?

Oh, Peter, Moroccan food is the jizz.

Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you.

Dude, we could eat that pig. What? Dude, come on. We could totally eat that pig. We could... We could do it, man. We could. It'd be so easy, man. It would take, like, a minute. Could it really be that fast? Peter, that pig could be in our stomachs in, like, one minute, and then we could...

One, two... One, two... Three! I'm sorry. I can't. I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it! You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no!

Sylvester Stallone in that porno, and Bill Cosby beating up that midget. Wait, I don't remember that last one. Yeah, it's freaking brutal, for no reason, you know? The poor little guy's just sitting there eating his Snack Pack. Bill Cosby just runs in out of nowhere and just starts wailing on him. Didn't that guy die? No, no, these are home movies from when I was a puppy. He died. Okay, look, just watch.

WhoA, is that really the blood of Christ? Yes. Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

Neil Goldman of Ouahog, Rhode Island... lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you! - An ywa y, your mother insulted-- - I don 't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, liust don 't care. Ma yhe you could try not being a bitch.

Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman. And Meg. Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.

Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. Oh, now Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream. But I remember it so-- It was a dream!

Peter, what the hell is going on?

All right, hands in the air! Vertically! Both arms should be parallel to each other! You, fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills. But first, fix that notepad so it's at a right angle with the corner of your desk! And tap that pile of receipts against a flat surface, so they're not sticking out haphazardly! You know what? Forget about the money! Everybody grab a broom! We are straightening this place up!

Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.

...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!

Hey, you want a piece of gum? Oh, Thanks. Ha ha! That was joke gum. What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin. I'm cold.

Hello, I'm, uh, Stephanie Griffin. Hi, Stephanie. What's your talent? I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

(SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

and I wish that you would get a heart attack.

Meg, I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. Well, Thanks to you I can put down that I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. Hey, It worked for Walter Cronkite. You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. Oh, yeAh, But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr... (VACUUM WHIRRING) Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! (BARKING) Stop! Stop it! All right. Okay. I'll study!

Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic? Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made. How about Slumdog Millionaire? Overrated. Just a terrible movie. Cocktail. Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era. You make me sick, Brian.

I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase. Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. Go force!

Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. I recall this day. You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, don't pout, honey.

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us. Oh, right, peacocking. How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess. But tonight's the real test. I'm gonna try out what I've learned on Denise. Well, good luck. Hey, who was that fat chick sneaking out of here this morning? Oh, that was someone I met from class. Bettina.

No! Ahh, ha ha! Aw, Now you've gone and upset the boy. Peter, this is a new chapter in my life. The--The kids are growing, the nest is empty, and I need some excitement.

Oh, Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War.

Oh, Peter, you're selling your anvil?

Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old? No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old. So what seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me!

Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable!

Go, Spooner Street! My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once." My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" We didn't measure! We dIdN't measure! Amazing, Peter. You've inspired The whole neighborhood to work together.

Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut. AUDIENCE: Ja. Sauerkraut. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oompah music. Das ist gut. (AUDIENCE AGREES) Euthanasia for the mentally feeble. Das ist gut.

"A big, stupid doo-doo head!" Honestly! The things these children come up with. if you have a child you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angeles, Why not have them try out for our show? Our Next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode island.

All right, who the hell is in charge... (EXCLAIMS) What is that I'm feeling? That's our industrial-sized air conditioner. When I walk into Superstore USA, I get the sensation that I'm standing on a mountain top with the wind blowing through my hair!

That Guy! Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts rainbows, springtime is That Guy He's tinsel on a tree

Chicken? You take that back!

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Ok, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. Luke, use the force. Really? Cause I was just gonna make-- Luke, use the force. Ok! Are you happy? I've never been happy.

I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha." But I don't know. Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown.

Hey, you guys the trainers here? Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast. We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz. Steak and eggs and eggs and steak That's what you should have for breakfast Delicious

It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, Good news about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie.

(SCREAMING) My mustache! No! God bless you, sir, you saved my life. But at what cost? At what cost?

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!"

Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.

What do you think you're doing? (IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT) Peter? Who Peter? I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad." Ohhh!

You want to sleep in my room? Yeah. That'd be nice. Good night, Brian. Good night, Stewie. (BRIAN FARTING) STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.

Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?

(MUMBLING) Our servers. And from now on it's against the rules to pat female employees on the fanny. (MUMBLING) Like touching butts! And tell the African-American elevator attendant he no longer has to wear white gloves. Why don't you just tell him he can sleep with my wife, too? Daddy! Oh, Carter! You're back!

All right, Susie, what have you brought in for show-and-tell? This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares? Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom. Not for long.

Oh, for definite. It's just like a childhood game of Hide and Find! You said it, friend! What do you say for celebration, we go dunk our whistles in the trough? Oh, we should totally phone Gaspard! Oh, he would love to hear this tale! Oh, but I only have 15 pfennigs on my phone card. Happy Gerbitz Day.

Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino... Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family. Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape? (SIGHS) Peter, we can't let this happen. I mean, we're parents. What if this was one of our kids? It's too bad we're not the A-Team.

Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh. Oh, my God. Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways. Thank you. (ENUNCIATING LOUDLY) We see you in many movies. I think about you while having sex with my wife.

You didn't see anything.

And then there was last Saturday night. Oh, Look at that handsome man. You son of a bitch!

Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!

(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Meg.

What do you want?

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois.

It's ringing, Rupert. It's ringing. I'm too nervous. They're celebrities. You talk to them. (SCREAMING) Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm in so much trouble.

This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face.

Just don't fucking say anything, okay? Oh, you know what? Hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub. I think Peter's in there taking a bath. PETER: (SCREAMS) Son of a bitch! What the hell did I just sit on? Where is it? Where's my harmonica? It's not here! Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica? It was in the tub. Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!

Holy crap! What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people.

We now return to The Communists.

You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do. Woo-hoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! She saw me walking to the swing! Yes, Yes, she saw you. Easy now. Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois Griffin demands respect! ahh! Oof!

undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy. LOIS: "It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good, old-fashioned values

Oh, my God, that was such a rush. Yeah. I'm alive!

I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy. I got a bad feeling about Suicidy. Ain't no mountain high enough... (LAUGHING) Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other, 'cause they have so much fun cleaning the dishes. AUTUMN: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me.

"Chrysanthemum"! "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? Ro--ro-- Did you say "rose"? Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good! "A rose by any other name." Yeah, th--That works. Oh, I like that a lot. All right, mo--Moving on. Hey, What about "tulip"? "Rose" is fine. Moving on. Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life! That's not true. I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities. No, you didn't.

Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Trisha? Diane, I am here in-- Thank you, Trisha. Stay tuned for further-- Ahh!

I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul!

Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life! Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot?

"You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what?

but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy? Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative. I smell a sitcom! I suggest you start packing immediately. I can't believe I have to change schools because of you!

(CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family.

All right, well, the going rate for my farm is $875,000. Uh... Nobody called ahead? What? Well, somebody from Fox was supposed to call ahead. They usually take care of it, and then I just go ahead and do stuff. I didn't get no phone call. (PHONE RINGS)

Mind control? But I feel so lucid.

Fellows, please keep it civil.

Oh, we're slowing down. That's a good sign. You know what's not slowing down? Breaking Bad. Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire. God, he never shuts up about those shows. Oh, my God! I think it might be working! (ALL SCREAMING) We're spinning out!

Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.

Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd.

Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode?

Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

He's molested me many, many times.

I don't... I honestly have no... Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation!

Why are we stopping? (CHATTERS) Oh, come on. (CHATTERING) (TIRES SCREECHING) For God's sake, Brian. It's just a squirrel. - BRIAN: Yeah! - STEWIE: Oh, God! Ugh! He can't hurt you anymore.

Okay, you can stop that now. I can't hear you. I'm a robot. Come on, knock it off. Does not compute. undefinedI'm going to bed. " do not require sleep.

(BRIAN SCREAMS)

All right, Meg, wait here. I'll be right back.

No. No. Terrible. These are all just terrible!

I've got Hugh Downs up here! And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement! Why me? Why the media? I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half hour. Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.

Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL.

I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis. Hey, guys, what is going on? No way! Cool! That thing don't bite, do it?

(POLICE SIREN WAILING) You know what? Let's just turn ourselves in. I got a great lawyer, and he says, worst case, eight to 12 years. And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. (TIRES SCREECHING)

That's not a car. What is that? (ALL SCREAMING) Hello?

Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!

Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run. He's gonna get us. He's still got us. - He's gonna get us! - Oh, mY God! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's not budging. Come on. Let's go tO q-Bert's.

Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. What the hell are you... Stewie, did you... Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep.

Till Briggs comes through. You know, I was thinking about that, Joe. If Briggs is driving here, that's 2,000 miles. It's going to be at least a couple of days. Huh. I guess you're right. Well, what are we going to do for two days in El Paso? (BEEPS) There's a Chicano heritage festival. No way. KC and the Sunshine Band is playing. Why?

If he tries anything while I'm standing here, I'm gonna kick him right in the ball...gina?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

I won't say which one, but in a few moments, one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck.

Good day to you, sir. And now prepare to die. (SCREAMS) (MEN GROANING)

Uh... We are looking at about a four-and-a-half-hour flight time today. Uh... We got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees. Uh... The flight's going to be a little longer than we have expected. Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take off.

Wait, what did Dad just say? Yes, April Fools! We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays. And with only 87 suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke.

You're the best! Oh, that was good.

911! Fine! I go. But this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee. Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! (BING-BONG) (RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You no come back, ever! I no like you American! And all you American look alike! Oh, we all look alike, do we? Well, look who's talking!

"She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish."

Tricia Takanawa. What are you doing here? Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon. (MAN SINGING)

Make sure your wife is out of the room. So, do you want to talk,

I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.

You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky! (GROANS) Quagmire, how would you like to help me commit suicide?

Everybody up, we're going on vacation. Car leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

Ah! You would've done the same for me, Chris. The important thing is, we're all gonna be okay. Right, Giant Robot? Charles Yamamoto...

Me mind on fire me soul on fire, feeling hot, hot, hot

Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story.

(SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke.

That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television. Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.

has anyone ever told you your eyes are-- Hang on, sweetie. I've got to call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game.

My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead.

Uh, I'm an experienced crop- dusting pilot. You can trust us completely. My friend here is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly. And I'm of a different species. You're hired.

It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool. Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... Ok, so you want to party or what? Get in this car right now! It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books, so I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight I'd like to share them with you.

Come on, Fluffy. Come on, Mittens. Come on, Paul. What a ridiculous name for a cat. Paul. That's a person's name! A person's name. (LAUGHING) Oh, Paul.

Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section.

Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Wow, you're smart. What? Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. You're so fatherly. It really turns me on.

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

Just waiting for my breakfast... Lois! I know how to get her attention. Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda! Better come stop me!

Yeah, that's right. You buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened?

Stewie, you and I are friends, right? Yeah, I mean, I know you through our mutual friend, Greg, but sure, I'd say we're friends now. Exactly. And as your friend, you'd want me to be honest with you, right?

Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money!

We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of hot beefsteak! Giggity Giggity Goo! (GASPING) Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here! Come on, baby. Time for round two! (LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!

This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny. Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.

Sure. All the guys here have been castrated. It's cool. Hey, Do you think that girl is hot? No. Me neither.

Oh, my God, a water fountain!

Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?

Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one. Okay, thank you. Did you wash my car like I asked? No, but I hit it with a rock. Okay, thanks. Brian, I think my jaw is falling off. (EXCLAIMING) Stewie, what is happening to this thing?

What the hell are these things, curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! There, that's terrific. It opens up the whole room. Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick. Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York. What's the big deal? There's my little man! (STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! Shut up! Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! - Hey! - Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom.

LOIS: I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting.

I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker. Wait, what time is it? I got to turn on TMZ. (ANNOUNCER READING) ANNOUNCER: Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home in the Hills. Rene, what was it like working with Douglas Fairbanks? Is it true you were born in 1880?

Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinky prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.

Derek and Jillian? Wow! Hi, Brian! Hey, kiddo. What, what are you guys doing here? I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor. Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation?

it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks. Wait a minute. Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain. - How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute. Not bad. Somewhat entertaining.

I think we should watch PBS. Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS. You donated once five years ago and they sent you a mug. And now the mug's so old that the "P" has been worn off so it just says "BS," which is so fucking apt.

It was refreshing at first. But now... Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. Ah--ah! I know where this is going, Lois! And I'm already semi-there. Oh!

- Hey, Meg. - Hi, Craig. Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it. Hey, Meg. We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out. That makes you cool. Wanna hang out with us? - Sure. - Hey, I'm here to pick you up.

Get naked, you strange whore!

Interesting. You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today. How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago. Like 40 years ago? Peter... What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50!

Stop! Wait! Hold it! Stop! Wait! No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can.

Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet. Road House.

(SOBBING) I should just kill myself.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Superman 5: The Broken Condom.

Damn it. Why is he still with us?

Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm. And then another. And Then everything got a little hazy. Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while. Anyway, it's inevitable.

You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued? All right. Fantastic then. Wait. You know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out.

God would totally do her He'd do her all the way Even call her the next day To see how her work was going

Would you like to be friends? Like to be friends. Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you. That's why I poured it all out in the garden. (GRUNTING)

I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house!

That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) All right, someone's coming to town. Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie.

No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special. I guess you all think that's pretty silly. Not at all. You didn't tell us that part! Uh-uh.

Yes, I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing some initiative. God knows he was years overdue. Mm. Oh, You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, And she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no!

Hurry up. We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close. Relax. I'm almost done. And why do you have a safety deposit box anyway? What's in there that you can't bury in the yard? I have things. You have a dead bird in there? What are you gonna do with that? I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me. Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch?

- And the strong - And the strong Just remember In the winter Far beneath The bitter snows

My fault? You were the one chasing me. You were the one reading my diary. LOIS: Kids, breakfast. What do we do? Is he breathing? It looks like it. That's a good sign, right?

(TOM SAWYER PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart! It ain't easy being cheesy.

My hair is growing Growing all the time Look how sensitive I am 'Cause my voice is so fine

Oh, just calling it like I see it.

Lois, I need your help. You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon. Lois, I could lose my presidency! Too bad! I've already lost more than that!

And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3? Oh, Indeed I can. 1! 2! 3! Can I count to 3? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a 5th-grade leveL.

Wow, thanks! Hey, if we could fix that wobbly chair, think of what else we could do for our community. Cleveland's right. It seems it's our destiny to be the A-Team after all. (ALL CHEERING) We're the A-Team! Yeah!

Aw, Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! This is so unexpected! Hey, shut up! The King of Siam? Why-- Why, that's the lead! Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake. I'm not "The King." I'm not "I," I'm not anybody.

Jesus Christ. That's right. That's Jesus Christ right here. Jesus Christ. Yeah, right. Look at these idiots. They're not even listening. You know what? We got to prove it to them. Listen, I'm gonna go into that supermarket and get some water, and you're gonna turn it into wine. Okay, cool. Hey, can you get me a Cracked Magazine?

Peter, I spent all morning cleaning up the house. And in 5 seconds, you turn it into low tide at the pier. Jeez. I'm sorry, honey. I'd help you clean it up. But you know how lousy I am with housework. Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see. Shirts, pants... H-hey, I'm missing another sock. Hey!

Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. Take it outside, lady. I thought I could win money in that talent show. And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! Oh, That is bulL...

Oh, wow, look at that, Stewie. Perfect timing. Oh, it's beautiful. Everything's just so beautiful here. Ugh. This is miserable. Three-hour delay and a completely full flight. Don't look at us, you fucking pig. Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight. What was her problem?

Wow. Never seen that happen before. What the devil happened here? I've assembled that rifle a million times. Well, I don't know if it's just the rifle. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing. Brian, if you've got something to say to me... All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"?

Peter, stop doing what you're doing. What do we do? All right. All right. I have an idea.

Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. (LAUGHS) - You're in. (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's a good one. (CHOIR SINGING)

Okay, listen up. everybody. I got great news. Meg, you and your family are gonna perform on Saturday Night Live. You mean I'm gonna get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner... and Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley, and Horatio Sanz? Sweet! Sa turda y Night Live.

So, Brian and Stewie found Santa Claus,

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney. - Welcome, Joyce. - Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous.

(FEEDBACK ON PA) A few times I've been around that track

Step right up. Step right up.

Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gipped. Chris, have you ever seen your father do anything bad? Well, now that you mention it...

On the road again Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again

Sir, yes, sir! You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Sir, yes, sir! Welcome, apprentices. It's him. Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy Wench, Maid Madeleine!

Our top story. The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids,

Dad, I need you to... Dad, what are you doing? Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look. I am so freaking good at coloring. I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself. Dad? (PETER WHINING) Dad?

How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand? I told him it was for me. I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer. You're joking about that, right? Lois? You're joking, right? (WHINING) Lois!

(GUNSHOTS) God, I wish I could get tickets to that show.

I just figured out why cats are better than babies. Well, that's kind of a broad statement.

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

...Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Okay, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, all right? You're doing this thing, which is just, you know.... What the hell is that? And you look like ifl touched you, you'd be sticky... and frankly, you smell bad. You're pretty much offensive to all five senses.

Like when a new pope moves into the Vatican. Hi, I don't know who to complain to about this, but I'm still getting XVIII's mail. Yeah, no. No, he's not here anymore, this is XXIV. Yeah, no, I don't need Newsweek. No, I don't need National Geographic. No... Yeah, we'll hang on to Boys' Life.

Heh, heh. I love you, She-Hulk. All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid.

Look, it's one of those cards where you can record your own message. Come on! Open it up. CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye!

You'll give us all diabetes.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I got a little nervous. It's just, I like you so much. Please turn to hymn number 487.

Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

(ROARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! Rush Limbaugh! Limbaugh Rule Number One, no tax-dodging Jedis in my pit! Religion is tax-exempt! Jedi is a religion! (ALL CHEERING)

CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful? Or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer, that's who. Now, come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't want to go to the farm. We don't know anybody there." No, Brian, you have to give Mary some attitude.

A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes. I can't wait to build one of these of my own.

We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk. Wait. Hold on a second. "Pie," "drunk," "the"? You got yourself a sheriff! Boy, it's so quiet around here! I know. Th-The phone hasn't rang all day.

Well, that's not my problem. I need to see some improvement by the end of the week, - or you're finished. - Don't worry, I'll figure something out. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly. I got to take that. All right, so as you know, by this point in the story, Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food. - Well, guess what's for dinner! - No way.

Dead brill, eh?

And I got that ticket because I got distracted 'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow. So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you. Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to.

Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God. Wha-- Wha--

Don't worry. I hear they have great makeup sex. - That feels so good. - Oh, yeah. Hello. Like that? - (MOANING) - Oh, baby. I thought about this all day. (BOTH MOANING) Not so fast. You are hurting me.

I--i don't know. It's just, it's so dark.

I stayed up late watching Monday Night Football and that saved my life, huh?

What, did you hit her over the head with it? That's a legitimate sports car. No. Next! Jenny, would you like to talk? My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic. Jeez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha! ALL: Hi, Jenny. Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night.

Okay. Got to time this just right. One, two, three! (EXCLAIMING) Help! Somebody get this baby off me! Stewie! I'm so sorry. By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs. They are lies!

Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us?

How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? Fuck you! Bye.

Peter! Oh, God, sorry! Sorry! Sorry. You're right, let's go to the dance. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Peter used to be so passionate. Suddenly, he just doesn't seem very interested in me anymore. Lois, if I may speak freely, as a friend, you deserve better than Peter. You deserve a gentleman.

Oh, my God, I overslept. My final exam's in 20 minutes.

Lois, don't ruin this for me. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal. Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting. And it's good for you. Nah! My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead.

I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us.

Now for the next five days, we're gonna focus on nothing but training. We'll even get up at the crack of dawn. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (WHISPERING) Dad? Dad, it's time to get up. Oh, Jeez, Chris, it's the crack of dawn. Yeah, but, Dad, you said to wake you up.

(GROANING) Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

You don't think... That fat bastard murdered her, didn't he? That son of a bitch. He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz. You know, the subway vigilante from the '80s?

Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital! All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. (CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING) (GIGGLES) Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard. How is he?

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily? Yeah. Hi. Who are you? Uh, Brian. Brian Steel. I was just dropping Stewie off. Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess. Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.

I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks.

It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude. I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself. That's why there are 50 blank pages.

Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. What you guys do eventually works out. It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake. We're from the further-further-further future. What these two do is fine. It's what you two do that makes things worse.

Really? Wow. Well, give me a "for instance." Well, the guy talks about... Cesar Millan? Right, Cesar Millan talks about living in the moment because that's how dogs live, you know? We live in the moment. I so don't live in the moment. I'm always, "Oh, remember that petting zoo?" Or, "I can't wait to go to Florida."

Murderer! Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.

But wait! You said you had to bring your boss a kidney. Don't worry. I took care of it.

Now, now, actually if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay?

I come in anyway? MAN: No! Go away! I come in anyway. Oh, my God! I said no! Okay, I clean? No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No!

Sorry. I just farted.

She was sturdy. All 4 legs the same length-- thanks. Thanks. That's enough. Yes, Yes. Requiem and Terra pax, and so forth. amen.

Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair? I gave it away. Whee! (LAUGHING) My tulips! You dick.

Look at those morons and their stupid glasses. Oh, man. I hate those guys.

(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort! Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation. I am very angry with you. Geez, what's your problem?

I love you. Fuck off.

Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced!

- Drink that. - What is it? My blood. I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it. Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.

Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy

PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.

Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out. - Hello, Peter. - Argh! (STUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you doing out here in all this snow? Just taking my rabbit to the vet.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen,

Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting! If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize.

That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls.

Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at K.I.S.S.-Stock? You can do whatever you want, son. Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children. You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN?

Lois, you have a gray hair. What? Inch-and-a-half left of your part. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat. Screw you, Peter. Not today!

Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS)

Temple? Oh, Like Indiana Jones? Will you just pick it up already!

I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel. (MAGGOTS CHEERING) We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush. - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Dad. So, question. How long has Stewie been unconscious?

(LAUGHS VICTORIOUSLY)

Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N. All right. 90210.

(YELLING IN SPANISH)

Hey, Hey, from down there does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?

Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape. I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed.

Aw, jEEz. Mine doesn't look anything like his. Ah, The hell with iT!

The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton.

Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something. Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Dad, you were about to say something in the store.

Here's 50 bucks. I'm taking this album. Oh, wow! Check it out, Chris! We got our entry fee for the eating contest! Now for the next five days, we're gonna focus on nothing but training. We'll even get up at the crack of dawn. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (WHISPERING) Dad? Dad, it's time to get up.

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.

"Well, from while I was smoking pot. "Anybody else who likes pot, reach for my joint." CARTER: "Oh, there it is! Give us some of that!" (PETER LAUGHING) PETER: "Perhaps later. "Now, let's go to France and steal all their objects de art." CARTER: (EXCLAIMS) "All right! Let's go to France." Not bad, eh?

It took a lot of guts for them to do what they did. I'll see you later. Thanks, you guys. That was really cool. Hey, Peter. Can I borrow your lawnmower? Ah! You folks got a towel?

You... You trust me? Uh-oh. Is something wrong? I don't know. I'll be right back. (PUMPING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it!

I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine. Hey, Mort, what gives with the blond hair?

I'll be on your bed. No calls. Hey, Lois. I know, You've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner. Really? All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it. Mm-uah.

It's a pleasure, Lois. Who's the little guy? This is Stewie. Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. You will bow to ME. Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door. I know. I've admired you in the garden from afar. Will you go out with me? I'd love to.

Ah, I love you so much. I love you, too, honey. Ahh! - What's wrong? - Ahh! Now, That's it. You're history, pal. No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it! HeLp! Help! I've broken my hiP!

That's what I thought. Oh, man.

And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?

Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOCALIZING IN TUNE)

Face. There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie. What are you talking about? What's going on? I think you're getting a diaper change. Ah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me. No! Oh, God, it's cold!

Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire.

Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Fish out of water!

You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any--

Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again. Peter, what're you doing? Crack. What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

But still found a way to keep herself looking fine And then, there's Maude Ah! Ah! There we go! That was an ordeal.

Shut up, Meg. You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table. - Oh, my bad, Mr. G. - Dad, no! Aha! I should have known! Get out of my house right now, son of a bitch! (WHIMPERS) (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING)

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.

(MEN SCREAMING) Echo Station 5-7, we are on our way. REBEL LEADER: Great. We'll see you in... (GUN FIRING) Echo Station 5-8, we are on our way. Hurry!

You want to play with one of Daddy's socks? What... Do I want to... No! What an odd request.

Ok, Ok, here's one. What would you guys rather be? Blind or a midget? Oh, that's easy. Blind. It heightens your other senses to near superhero levels. Yeah, and every woman I did would be Cheryl Tiegs. Definitely blind. You guys are crazy. Hey, you don't wanna be a midget?

Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining. You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me. How am I a bastard? Oh, you want the full story? Meg, please. Not now, Mom.

Hey! Hey! Stay out of herE! HEy! Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

I'm... I'm sorry, Peter. I... I got to... I got to get back.

Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage to my skin. I wouldn't be so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before. What the devil! Where did that come from? Brian, what is that? I don't know. Of course, your sunburn was pretty bad. I suppose it could be the C word. What the hell does that have to do with anything? No. Cancer.

All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. And, uh, neither will that guy.

- That is awesome. - Peter. Meg, you are not a lesbian. You know, I don't care what you guys think.

And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes.

(EXCLAIMS) I've been working on a new movie and it's really great. Toss me a rope! No. That's not good enough. I want details. I'm gonna slit your throat in your sleep. Well, when you're working with Jack Black, you just got to keep up, you know. I mean, he's doing his thing. And you got to match his energy level without looking like you're trying to one-up him,

(CLANKING) Peter, what the hell was that?

Honey, hold still and let me bathe you. You're filthy. I'm filthy? i'm flithy? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that? Hmm? Aah! How dare you! Hey, Stewie, I see your bum. Oh, Take a good look, fat man.

Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing. Peter, you did a really nice thing helping Billy get back together with his wife. Yeah, and the best part is he's out of the house and back in the ocean. I guess everything worked out for everybody. Arr! 'Tis a mighty haul!

The end of the world is coming. Now come on, Get in your radiation suits.

Jesus is gone. I sure am gonna miss him. Me, too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. What? Something very special, Lois. What is it, Dad? What, you haven't heard? Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Because of an accident at the quahog Cable Company television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets. How about you, diane? Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

All right, Peter, I'll get it. Don't put a gun in my back. I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key. LOIS: Peter, we've been married 20 years. Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger. Here you go. Here's the key, Pete. Why is she calling me Pete? We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete.

we'll gladly be your bitch

There he is. Took you long enough. Just what we need. Hey, guys, I'm coming in. - Oh, no! - Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, boy! I am not going to hear the end of this. You jackass! Now you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here, but I'm just gonna settle right in.

(CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit?

(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer.

We can figure this out.

Really. I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper. I'm glad you're interested in joining the National Gun Association, Peter. Let me show you around. This is our shooting range.

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. How have you been? Very well, thank you. He threw up when he found out you were a monster. This food is so fucking good, Lois.

Telegram for Chris Griffin. Oh, He's not here. Well, Where is he? I can't release that information. Oh, uh, Did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister. Oh! Oh, well, If it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What are you doing? You were busy, so I played your guy. Fine, I didn't want to play anyway!

and I'm giving you the exclusive story. Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn? Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons! Well, Lois, you told me to produce, and I did. I got us a story on the 11:00 news. Really?

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you. Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!

PETER: "Hey, I got a great idea. Let's kill six million Jews." CARTER: "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?" PETER: "I got the idea from... From... "Well, from while I was smoking pot. "Anybody else who likes pot, reach for my joint."

(LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING)

(CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range. I mean, yeah, you can wish it, and you can do it, but only if you have the educational advantages,

I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place.

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods.

What are you talking about? This money is our ticket to the good life, starting now. I just bought a giant room full of gold coins, and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. (DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah!

On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You are the best of a bad situation. Nothing more. I use you, man. Yeah, I would know if you were using me. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit. And you know why I did it? Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick. Because I wanted to see if I could. What?

So, Lois, are you still pissed at me about Stewie being on the roof?

I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!

Ooh, baby, i love your way

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.

Look at this, he's been hit on the head by a blunt object. Oh, my God, no, Derek! (SOBBING) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry. PETER: Hey, can you grab his phone? I want to prove something to these guys. I... It's Priscilla.

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wAh

I mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction. Who, I ask you. Who? Hello.

You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats

Screw the theater.

All right, you've got two strikes, Callaghans. Name something you'd like to receive as a gift. Candy? Show me "candy!" (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wait. We're out? You said if I slept with you... All right, Griffins, here's your chance to win the game. Name something you'd like to receive as a gift.

Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I still regret not going to my junior dance. Bu-- But, Daddy, if you don't do what they say, they'll kill me! Sorry, pumpkin. You know we don't negotiate with kidnappers. Family policy. Daddy, no! Please! Please! She'll be all right.

If Meg can get through the vent, she can sneak out and go get help. Dad, I can't go through the vent. Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody, spit on Meg. Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay! I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there. Come on, they're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit. Be careful, Meg.

Hurry, Peter, Steve's gonna be here in 5 minutes! Aw, crap! We're dead! I guess this is the end, boys. Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in Heaven!

Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden. What are you getting all bent out of shape about? Well, you know, Karl, i--I didn't get... I got virtually nothin' here, you know? Look, I don't see what the problem is. No, you wouldn't, would you? L-Look, all I'm saying is, I got the raw end of the deal. You invited me over. Yeah, well, now I'm regretting it.

Mom, what do you do when you like a boy but he doesn't even notice you? Meg loves Kevin. Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit! Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around. Such a mom answer.

Victory is mine!

Let's go, Peter. Let's go back to Quahog. But what about this farm? And this house? And the lab inside the house, which is currently producing an incredibly volatile and explosive batch of thermo-reactive... (EXPLOSION)

You mean... Mmm-hmm. He stole my trikie! Mr. Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are-- Hang on, sweetie. I've got to call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game.

Oh, Crap! We did it again!

Uh-oh. The baby monitor. What? The baby monitor? You cheated on me? I... You bastard! Bonnie, please! After all I do for you, this is how you repay me?

QUAGMIRE: Ouch. Is there a bathroom in here? I've been yo-yoing a turd for the last 20 minutes.

You know what? That's fair. I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott.

I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?" Hey, there's all my favorite people! Oh, no, not this suck-up. What are we talking about? Black people? Mexicans? Jews?

You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courteney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws. You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720. He's turning around too much. Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now. They used to have stuff before and after the rape. You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it!

Round and round The wheels on the bus go Round and round Peanut! All through the town (VOCALIZING) (EERILY) Peeper...

How are you coming, Johnson? Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. You call these bagels? Whoa! I'm glad he's on our SiDe!

No, you don't know the characters, Brian. You don't know the characters. If you could hear yourself right now, you would not stop throwing up. You can't just put He-Man in Transformers' world, all right? He wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia, and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension. He can just take his rocket ship. Get out of here.

I'll take that as a yes. You owe Dr. Hoo an apology. Hey, can we change the channel?

What do we got?

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

So, it's over? That seems unlikely. Amazing. There was only one man in the world with the vision to predict something like this. Damn! Laura! Laura! Laura!

Me, too. I'm sorry I screamed when that guy from India got up to stretch. Look, I'm having brunch tomorrow with my grandparents at the Barrington Country Club. Maybe your family could join us. Okay, that sounds like fun. Oh, my God. Chris is dating a Barrington.

(SNEEZES) (GASPS) Oh. Hey. Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time. That's absurd.

like Fred Flintstone. So, why exactly do you want this separation? Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma." I didn't hear you. There's no way you didn't hear me. I was in the shower. Oh, she was in the shower.

Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone. MAN: (ON PHONE) Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy.

One time when I was a boy... Oh, I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention. (CHUCKLING) It's a bus driver's uniform. Pow, right in the kisser!

(WOMAN SINGING) But little Olivia's career may be over just as it begins with today's announcement that Tasty Juice will be dropping her as their spokesperson and replacing her with a new ad campaign featuring rock and roll legend Chuck Berry. Open your mouth, baby, here it comes.

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.

I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out! How does Kevin Costner keep getting work? Ah! How do I shoot? How do I shoot? Press "B"! "B" button!

Oh, you! I can't even express how mad I am at you right now.

(LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts. Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct. You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money!

His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife

Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry

Yes, I am, Lois, but where?

I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

We've gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Whoa, whoa, Hold on a second. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Well Sure I do! Opera's bitchin'!

Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic? Ok, Joe, you got me. Rise and shine. Come on. Stand and deliver. Get the hell up. You're a hoot, Peter. Play ball! Let's do it! I swear I didn't know.

Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph. Obviously, she had something to do with the gag, but I didn't hear the setup, so I don't really know the context... Hey, I wonder what Peter's up to! Okay, so we got to come up with a name for our improv group.

Fabulous! What shall I bring?

(CHIRPING) Okay, what's next? This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny. Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer?

I don't know, honey. All I want is one pupil who's good enough to win the piano competition. I'm sick of coming in 2nd to that awful Alexis Radcliffe. Every year she wins and rubs it in my face. Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year. Congratulations on 2nd place, Lois.

Just can't wait to get on road again The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again

Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy!

Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

I want to be the baby!

The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, and everyone was making up their Christmas lists.

oh, Look how cute he is!

All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING)

- Well, how'd you do? - I failed. - What? You failed? - Yup.

(MEEPING) Well, if you must know, it's because we've noticed large quantities of benzene, ephedrine and everyday Epsom salt, have gone missing. - (MEEPING) - Oh, please. We both know those are the ingredients used to make crystal meth. And I've got a pretty good idea who you've been selling it to as well. Oh, hey, uh, Beaker,

The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." What am I gonna do now? Hello, dumb-dumb. Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk.

Sorry. I'm done. You want your kid to sit on my lap, meet me at the bar at Applebee's. That sucks. Sorry, Stewie. That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!

I've, really, I should... I should go. No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer!

This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired.

Hey, hey. Heard my name.

Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion.

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)

Welcome home, asshole!

I have a voice. Do you understand that? A writer needs a voice, and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well. Shut up! May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife.

(RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent! What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20.

"It's like a half-hour commute."

Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?

Then I just totally failed that Medieval Lit midterm. So this is a Harvard bar, huh? Seems pretty normal. Hey, check it out, there's the Winklevoss twins. Let's get a drink. Get a drink. Let's get a drink. I thought of it first. Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school? I mean, how'd they all get so smart? I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em.

Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! (TIRES SQUEALING) Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes. (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT) Und where are your papers? Are you from East or West Berlin?

He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery? Because I just don't think it's safe.

I'm real sorry my wife's ancestors made you suffer so much. Oh, Don't worry about me. If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter. W-w-Wait! Before you go, what's Heaven like? Oh, It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs. Oh.

What are you doing, Peter? I'm making my own Red Bull. Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands. Whoa, whoa, hang on, you're adding kerosene? Peter, that's insane. That'll destroy your body. Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull. Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work?

Why, I have a cell phone. So, we do have your cell phone! Well... It's... I have my cell phone. No, we have your cell phone. Give her the cell phone, Brian. (SIGHS) There you go. Merry Christmas! Yeah. Merry Christmas. It has all my fucking contacts in it. Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut- big-boobs-bad-face?

We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. (FARTING) Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer.

Get ready to die! Huh? Hmm. I wonder what this feels like. ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!

You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah. I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual.

How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.

Cheryl, what are you doing here? Well, you know, it's been so many years, and I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd just drop by and say hi. My new boyfriend I guess knows you, and told me where you live. (CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you. (LAUGHS) He's so bossy. I love it. Well, it was great seeing you, Glenn.

There's a lot of crazy things I'll let Peter get away with. I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase. Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. Go force!

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day Until he seen his I bet you muthafuckas will too

They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it.

The baldness gene was cause for dread but that's a fear that you can put to bed They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head You've got a lot to see

Oh, well. At least I still have you. You hungry?

We're an unusual family.

This was the soundtrack to my '95. To my '95 and my '96, actually. No, thank you. Richard Marx, Hold On To The Night? (EXCITEDLY) Yes! (STUTTERING) I mean... Yeah, no... I mean, if you're giving stuff away, yeah, sure. All right, listen. It turns out Anakin Skywalker's son is still alive. I'm gonna need you to find him and turn him.

Gosh, I... You know, I think I'd better, uh,

Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

Peter, for Best Picture, you wrote Wild Hogs. Lois, "Four guys from the suburbs hit the road, "and the road hit back." (LAUGHS) Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie. Blades of Glory. "Kick some ice." Entrapment. "The trap is set."

Oh Man! Did you guys hear that? Imagine seeing the inside of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery. Forget it, Peter. You don't have A chance. Yeah. You never win anything. Remember when you went on Password? This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall. The password is "flaming." You...

Peter, I-- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.

(SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me! Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer,

Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night.

Young Chris Griffin. So, what are your hobbies, Chris? Masturbating. We should form a club. All right, name something you find in your bathroom. Me, masturbating. All right, show me "him, masturbating." (ALL CHEERING)

To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?

What the hell is going on here?

It almost felt like it was written by a real writer. I read your article, too, Brian. It seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time working on that novel you've been working on. (SCREAMS) You know... (CELL PHONE RINGING) This is Brian. Brian, this is Wellesley Shepherdson. I'm calling from The New Yorker. Perhaps you've heard of us?

Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning. - Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night. - Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar. Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.

Hector, how long have we known each other? - Since first grade. - Yeah, yeah. You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"? " think so. Well, burn for it!

Featuring such standards as... Everybody, look at the snow in the yard And who could forget... I bought these gifts for you They're up in my bum And everyone's favorite...

Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg. Yeah, you're the new me. Shut up, Meg.

a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is the Jews' best chance for survival.

I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland.

I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we.... Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead. Definitely dead.

I think they want another one. (CROWD CHEERING) Uh, okay. Here's a song by a gay guy.

Oh, Midge, you're my 3rd best friend in the whole world. 3rd? Who are the first 2? Ben and Jerry. Lifetime, television for idiots. Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?

and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.

All right, I got one for you. So, me and Lois are driving up to Vermont to get this abortion... Peter! Hang on, hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it. All right. So, we're driving up to get this abortion, and we get to the abortion clinic, and the abortionist has one hand. The abortionist has one hand. Missing hand on the abortionist. And we're there to get an abortion.

And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night. Ah, I can't believe you're serving a 3-year sentence, it seems so harsh.

I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

You know they twist the bull's balls before they run out,

I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry.

but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not! Oh, Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. All right, Peter. That's enough!

Oh, my God. That does look like Peter's handwriting. (GASPING) There's no doubt anymore. Peter murdered his wife. This is fantastic! I'm completely off the hook. What the hell?

No! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back. I want my family back. Okay.

Come on, Quagmire. It's got to be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down. (SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?

It's dated about a year ago. Any idea how it got there? Someone who rented a speedboat must've left it there. Uh-huh. Well, you can play innocent all you want. I am gonna find the evidence to put you away, starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared. No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. The carnival with Rupert.

And maybe we want to know of a good bed-and-breakfast in Maine. What are all these?

Wake up, damn it! Wake up!

- I'm Judas. - Pontius.

comes the riveting sequel, Gone Severely Disabled Baby Gone. I promise you, we are going to find your daughter. Okay, but, you know, do what you can, but seriously, don't, like, kill yourself. Oh, and if you do find her, honk this horn a couple times. It's the only way to get her to stop biting you. But again, no rush.

(STAMMERING) What is this? What's going on? Apparently, Chris and Meg are switching places with Peter and Lois for the week.

Hey, Death, I got a favor to ask you. Could you let me go back in time and be 18 again? What, are you high? No. Coming up next on ESPN, Women's Professional... All right, you win. Let's go. But just for one night.

Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him! Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?

(LOIS GIGGLING) Whoo, nice roll, Lois!

What the hell? Ow! (RUMBLING) No, no, no, no, no, no! Ha-ha! Joke's on them. They got a black kidney.

How are we gonna find them? Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff.

There's treachery afoot!

You stink when you come out of there. Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going to resevep. You mean "RSVP"? Hillary Clinton's the VP. No, she's secretary of state. Rhode Island. What? I don't understand what's happening. - We're going to a party. - Yay!

Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

I just bought us some new sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs.

Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say.

It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie.

We'll do it live! Fuck it!

I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them. Hey! Knock it off! Look, you kids are obviously in need of some type of activity. So, uh, uh, I don't know.

You want to help? Grab a ladle!

Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum?

Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah!

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Dad, what's that? I think I hear music.

Oh, Meg, honey. Our home is your home for as long as you like. We could offer you the guest room, provided that it doesn't bother you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there. Oh. I guess not. Uh, When did he die? We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show.

you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? (SOBBING) Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that.

you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?

Peter? (SAWING) Yours are made of a stronger metal. We're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis. (HISSING) Don't look right at it. My STDs help it burn brighter. The keys are in the ignition. Let's go! (ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) I told you to search that guy's penis.

You got nothing to worry about. Well, well, Mother! We meet again! Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago. Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny. You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime. Oh, Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

Here you go, Meg. I don't want them. Take them. Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those? - No. - Oh, God. (RETCHING) (GROANING)

(SIGHS) Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine? I don't know, man. I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha."

(EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS)

No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law. And there was that time I took a whiz in public. And that time I snuck into Wimbledon.

Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)

Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple.

You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

So, what happened to James Woods? Oh, he's being examined by top men. Who? Top men.

So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter!

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there!

ANNOUNCER: Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz. Come on, Big Papi! (BAT CRACKS) (CHEERING) It's coming straight for us! I got it, I got it! Mine! I got it! It's my ball. Damn it, Brian! That came to me! That's my ball! (WIND BLOWING) What?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude. Please get nude. Peter, you don't have to spy on me. You're my husband. Come on in. Oh, boy, no fooling? Oh, boy! Wait a minute. Something's happening in my pants.

Victory is ours. Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope! Ahh! Hey Bob, y-you remember the other day, you were asking me what the definition of irony was, and I said-- Ahh!

What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored? Chris, when I was in school, you know what we used to do... when a teacher gave us a bad grade?

So, it's a show about three hookers and their mom? This is very impressive, but my decision stands. No! Come on, buddy, you're leaving. No, I can't let Jasper down.

- (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye.

for we are taking a bus tour of Providence and other places. (MECHANICAL ARMS WHIRRING) The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole.

(HUMMING RING TONE MELODY)

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

Eli, I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable, but I don't think running away is the answer. I know, Mrs. Griffin. And I am sorry. But I just could not bear the thought of never seeing Meg again. You ever seen one of these, Eli? It's a Coleco football game. Pretty mind-blowing, huh? You know what? This is garbage to us.

That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.

My cab's right outside. (SHOUTING) (ROARING)

Oh, that's okay, Lois. 'Cause you know, I got to say, I don't think those rich guys have it all that great. Too much stress. You know, you give me the choice, I'll choose our life any day of the week. Me too, Peter. Can I have $50 to get my hair cut? Absolutely not. That's a waste of money. I will cut it myself. (SNIPPING) You look like garbage. What happened?

MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.

So who wants to come back to the hotel and take a whack at my genitals? Cool! Awesome!

Wow, that was great. Sure was. See you. But you said we were gonna get married. No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.

Ugh! That's not lemon! Yeah, it's piss. You bastard! I was having fun playing in the snow,

Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.

That's why I've invited Howie Mandell to lighten the mood by blowing up a surgical glove with his nose.

Sorry, I overslept. Yes. Well, Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? ahem. Well, I'm-- I'm su-- I'm sure you have something to say to that. Mmm? Oh. Oh, God. Sorry.

Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna.

Boy, am I going to enjoy this meal. Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

What the hell is this? The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence. Everyone is now required to wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wright jokes. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Oh, this is bogus!

he used to be a member here, but he was very annoying. Oh, my, that's surprising. I've heard he has quite the blue-blood pedigree. You know, he got a piece of Jackie Kennedy before she was defiled by that hairy olive-eater. Yeah, and he once made me a grilled cheese sandwich after this. Well, I wasn't sure about Pewterschmidt, but after hearing you gentlemen talk,

you were more interested in partying with your friends. Then Glenn came along and stole my heart. When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever.

What? My hair's in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do you feel me inside of you?

Thank goodness I've got you Who's got a guy to tell her jokes? You do! Who's got a girl to show the folks? You do!

Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.

I am not. I'll tell you who's a fraud. Mr. Spock. Mr. Sulu, set a course for... One moment, Captain. They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery. FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72. Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah!

You're almost there, Sea Breeze. Oh, and, uh, Also, uh, i--I didn't bring this up before, but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them. You know, Brian, It occurs to me that this is like a Greek tragedy, where a man must choose between himself and his children. Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese." Ha-ha.

COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats! As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.

Ugly phoque and bitch. Good job, Chris. I think you're ready. And remember, you can use that word as much as you want. Even home, at the dinner table, in front of your parents. Because it's French, and French is classy. Okay, I'm off. Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck wherever you wind up.

a show where we talk very softly and right into the mic. Do you hear that? I'm whispering right in your ear. I'm right in your ear. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. (WHIMPERING) MAN: Won't you please do your part to help? Thank you. Wow! Inspiring stuff.

You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian, thanks to this beautiful little angel. She came into my life as if out of nowhere, enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams, and opened my eyes to the cleansing truth of Jesus Christ's love. No, honey, it was always within you. I just helped you find it.

even when her mind started to go. What the fuck?

We'll survive by eating each other. But I think it's important for the last one of us left alive to know this story.

Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife.

Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? What? He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared. Well, uh, you two are busy being nude.

What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here. Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.

MADDEN: Boom! There's your groom over here. Boom! You got your bride right here. A lot of people say that Stacy's no good, and that she's slept with this guy, and done that guy and even did some hand work on this guy, but I'll tell you something, that experience is gonna work in her favor late in the game. You know who had a heck of a wedding? Brett Favre.

(YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.

So, I'll pick you up at 7:00? (VOICE CRACKING) That sounds wonderful. She said yes. My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials.

(WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. You sound just like him! (SOBBING) Fucking idiot.

Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.

Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus. It's been like this all week. Watch this. Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

This is my family. My wife, Lois.

I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going?

I thought I could deal with being blind at first. But I don't know. I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman. We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But....

But wait! You said you had to bring your boss a kidney. Don't worry. I took care of it.

you know, in a couple of years, something's going to come along called Sesame Street. And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind. The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois.

We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium. 10, 9, 8... This is it!

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING) CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. (GLASS SHATTERS) Nice work, Bri. Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.

And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prisoN. oh, No! oh, No! oh, No! oh, Yeah!

Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan "B." Oh, No! Ahh! Oh, God! oh, My God! Oh, help me, Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help! Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger.

Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOGS WHIMPERING)

Ah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in. (CLANKING) Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing?

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on? From the look of it, I'm guessing this is Quahog but during some sort of ice age. Well, press the button! Get us out of here! Uh-oh. I can't reach the device. What? You're kidding! Yep, get comfortable. I think we're gonna be here for a while. Oh, look. There's your poop from the other universe.

I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here. Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it? Or do you not even know what's going on? I also am curious about that.

Mr. President, I need to have a word with you! Wow! You certainly are very persuasive. So I've been told. - Hey, you up for a little NAFTA? - What's that? 'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus.

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING) (MEN MOANING) (PETER STUTTERS) PETER: Wait a minute. What's going on here?

That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track! There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad. Should I follow the knight into the dungeon, or should I go back the way I came? I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37.

MAN: This message brought to you by the NBA. Let's all pretend this happens.

I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband! Ha! I knew it! And what's more, I have witnesses! Bonnie! Loretta? Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here? I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.

(SIGHS) You know what, Brian?

(Lois) Oh Peter. Oh Peter.

but I was like, "I can tell you I'm far enough." LOIS: And that's when Chris was born. Gosh, that's all so fascinating. Let me ask you something else. Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about? - Oh, God, yes. - Oh, my God. Quagmire, shut up. We're here.

You what? Yeah, we're rich now. I don't need to be working. Oh, you should've been there, Lois. I told Angela what she could do with that job, just like I always fantasized. Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment.

Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, that's pretty. yech.

Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank. None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub. Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock. And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers.

(SCREAMING) Oh, God! (SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man! He's bleeding, and nobody's doing anything about it! I'll tell you what the news of the world is. We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

Wrong floor. Stormtrooper church. And do you, Allen, take Judith to be your lawfully wedded wife till death or a giant explosion do you part?

But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical. I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her.

God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

Dad, please don't do this! You can't make him marry me! I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? You got my Meg pregnant.

Hi. We here at Family Guy want you to know that we respect all living beings and assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of this episode. But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance. (SINGING LARGO AL FACTOTUM)

It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si.

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad.

MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog.

Henry, give the little skank a nice tip. $20! Welcome to Flappy's. Why don't you have A seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support. Ha!

He hasn't changed a bit. Didn't grab one check. Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself. See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something,

We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. Turns out it was a used diaper. Ew! Gross! (LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food.

I think you and I are gonna have a lot of fun together.

That... That was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left? Well, I mean, we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse 'em. Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up. Where did they go? There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!

Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. BE cool.

What the hell is wrong with you?

No questions. Hey, Joe, I'm gonna go check out the john. Oh, my God, have you seen this? Look how fancy this thing is. They even got a special map that lets you choose who you want to dump your poop on. Geez, the synagogue button's almost worn out.

Look, why don't you just talk to him? You might find out he's not so bad. All right, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me, and right now it's telling me I have... (MAN READING) But I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got... (MAN READING)

Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye. Are you gonna take that? Lois!

Meg, I'm going to lunch now, and I'm having pizza. So if you see the Noid running around, tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, I'll snap his neck.

all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables. Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

Remember me, dirt bag?

(FARTING) Sorry! Sorry. Been building up for a while. Sorry. (CONTINUES FARTING) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about this. Sorry. There we are.

and he did things to my fanny. (GLASS SMASHING) (SOBBING)

Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors.

Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say. You're saving my life. Well, you saved mine. And, hey, we... We had a lot of good years together, right? Yeah. We... We sure did, buddy.

A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat

(SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?

Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles. That's what I do when I take my dad's car out. Are you 16? I will be next September. Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence.

Come on, Lois. If it makes you feel any better, I don't care. And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway. Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink. Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah?

You know, we ought to get a "fuck cabin" up here.

Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out. We could be cops, right, Joe? Well, we have started an emergency training program at the police academy, but I'm not sure that you're cut out for the job. Come on, we'll be great cops. Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training.

Tonight? Honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight. gimme, Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for You know you got the brand of kisses that I die for oh, This one takes me back.

What's going on? Stewie? Well, Brian, you proved me wrong. What the hell are you talking about? What... What is all this? You see, Brian, I conducted a little experiment. Remember our little argument about whether you and Peter were actually friends?

- You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no.

Nah, nah Family guy

hE's A famIly Guy

Is he smart, or is he like me?

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people. You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't. You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended. What's that supposed to mean? You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to. This interview is over.

Fine. I just don't understand why we had to leave the spa so early.

STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.

Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it?

Use the other mustard. Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there. Quick, scrape that mustard off. Use the other mustard! Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.

- Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me! (BAWLING)

Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice! ROck thE boat!

'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm going insane I think my mind just goes outta control And judge your subjects muthafuckas read about I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out I seen this muthafuckas .9 smokin' I seen the same nigga with the .9 die with his eyes open And simply what this means is He didn't know that every dog had his day

(NEWS BROADCAST THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Our top story. There was drama in the skies of Quahog today, as a Transnational 767 was forced to make a crash landing. That's right, Diane. As if the world weren't already scary enough, it seems you can't even get on a plane safely these days.

When did the machine send him? I don't know. How can you not know? It's a time machine. Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year or something? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah. Stupid dog. Well, then, can't you just press a couple buttons and bring him back?

And the Grammy for biggest posse goes to Ja Rule. What? No, Madonna. Posse. Posse. Oh.

Yeah, you'd think so, right?

You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... yeah! In your ... face, ...!

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A.

Why, you son of a bitch.

Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup. So, how's the flying business? Not so great. The economy's sort of taking its toll. Lot of salary cuts. A lot of layoffs. Yeah? That's pretty much it. I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet. I don't know. Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work?

(PETER LAUGHING)

...97, 98, 99, 100.

I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

I wants me that beer. (ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

It's good to finally be off duty. Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire. Yeah, this is the Air Force graveyard,

Quiet, everybody, this is it. The McBurgertown franchise suffered a publicity setback today from which it may not recover, thanks to testimony regarding its practices by a very brave cow. I have revealed to you today these horrors in the hope that you will see the need for change, but always remember,

Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)

You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds. Don't joke about that. That's like the holocaust to us. Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not?

Peter, you blew up their marriage! This was a huge mistake. Well, we've all made mistakes.

(GUNSHOT) What the hell? (SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois.

No, Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! Oh! If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary. What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy. Yes, yes. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry. Whatever you say. mama's boy.

In local news, Quahog is expecting a special guest this weekend, famed Asian competitive eating champion, Charles Yamamoto. Yamamoto has not yet lost a hot dog eating competition on his world tour. But if you think you have what it takes to beat the best eater in the world, come down to the James Woods High parking lot this Saturday with $50 and a large appetite.

Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane!

See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean?

Diane? Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon. Oh, my God!

That's for shooting one of our guys! (ALL CHEERING) MAN 1: We got you! MAN 2: In your face! - MAN 3: Our boat! - MAN 4: Our boat! MAN 5: This boat!

Diego? Sweaty. (MOANS) Thank you.

How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.

You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food. Peter, get back here. No freaking way. The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask. Rocky, I don't even know what you look like.

I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal? I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour. This is The Lunch Hour. GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories. 97.1. I think I may have made a mistake.

Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger?

Why me? Why the media? I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half hour. Oh, Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. Really? You know him? I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. Where? Ha-ha! See you later, sucker!

I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.

At the end, when Richard Gere carries Debra Winger out of the paper mill,

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING)

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet? Now Chris, you know there's no such thing. No! Ahh, ha ha!

Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way? Oh, my God. Yes, I do. And you so did not even. Oh! But I did. Yoo-hoo! Guys. (SQUEALS)

"they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet." (GROANS) That one didn't work.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to the post-Roe vs. Wade Brady Bunch. Greg! Marcia! Get down here! (BOTH BARKING) Oh, you two are such a handful! (MUSIC PLAYING)

Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate. I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Ha, ha.

I grabbed the Golden Globe and slipped out. I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do. I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside.

Damn it. We were so close to saving Meg.

They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people. What was that? Chocolate. Now, Give me the check. Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on, Chris. We're leaving. Oh, No, you're not!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute.

(ALL GASP) Oh, my God. It's enormous.

so they're not sticking out haphazardly! You know what? Forget about the money! Everybody grab a broom! We are straightening this place up! All right, campers, until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught, everyone has to stay inside their cabins. Now I'm gonna do a stomach count. When I call your name, please respond.

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer!

You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful. All right, come on, hurry up, Brian.

God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fecalman. You know, I was thinking... Wait, what? What? That's his name? - Yeah. - Huh-larious. But you know, I was thinking this afternoon,

Ooh. Well, that's why we have the lab.

Here's a song by a gay guy.

What the hell is wrong with you? This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent. That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not. No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent!

(MUMBLING) Jeopardy!

Why is he freaking out like that?

Can you use it in a dirty sentence? The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids. Damn. Wait. Can you use it in a libelous sentence? Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Correct!

Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you! What a precious little boy.

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm... Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? To the can, because kissing you made me barf. What? Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! Oh, Like I could! He's so fat! I'm not fat!

If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak. (BOTH GUFFAWING) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Hey, pie. I know what you want.

(SCREAMS) Cook much? (LAUGHING) Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face.

Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian. Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn't make them good. I was tryin' to make art. Oh, Art-schmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they'll produce Shakespeare. Uh, Let's see. "A something by any other name..." Hmm. "Carnation," "peony." No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. What about, uh, "daisy"?

Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice. I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.

He--He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. Huh? Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! Peter, that's a microphone stand. Oh. Oh, well, Pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or 2. I--I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up! (BOTH MOANING) All right, come on, everyone. Go get dressed. It's ballet night.

All right! Oh, no!

God, I hate being handicapped.

I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart. (IN PATRICK STEWART'S VOICE) Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose.

That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

Welcome back, FARGAS.

It seems today that all you see

Oh, Nonsense. You're right on time. Oh, my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head! You're, uh, You're completely... Nude? Yes. We're nudists. Permission to freak out? Peter, Did you know about this? I--I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean. So, you're the man who saved my husband's life.

I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... "Roof Shopping Cart Guys." Okay, go! (GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know!

What's for dinner? Play-Doh spaghetti. - Oh! - What? No. No, it's nothing. Just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night. (GRUMBLING) And that's all we had last night. What does that mean? Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Maybe that we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex. Do you even know what sex is?

Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you.

"He's a family guy" ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Newlywed Game.

Scientists believe it's four... MAN: Hundreds and hundreds of years old. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God. ...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that...

Trick or treat!

I can't believe this. Two weeks in prison on trumped-up charges. That trial was a total sham. Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury. Well, at least they're a jury of our peers. I don't think they see it that way, Peter.

Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.

Maybe our paths will cross again someday. (SIGHING) Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... (TIRES SQUEALING) Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama.

All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century. People are tolerant. Well, this is nothing. Probably just a random act of violence. I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. (LAUGHS)

He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.

I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.

- What did I just say? - I'm sorry.

a-ha! I got you now, Griffin! Ahh! Not so fast, buddy! Who are you? Oh, You can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife. Well, I hated T.J. Hooker! And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife!

Yeah? Well, what did you want? Uh... You called me, right? Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh?

Hey, I've already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen. That's an excellent idea. I like The Madness of King George. Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture.

LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt.

Oh, Usually there are so many distractions. Come into my home, will ya? I'll show you, you bastards.

Lois isn't even into women. She just had that one experience in college with that girl Naomi. Naomi's the one who's coming. (CRYING) Let me stay! Let me stay! Peter, why are you so antsy? Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming.

Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you

Hi. I'm Joan. I'm your maid for the week. Me Peter. You maid. Um, I do speak English. You maid, clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess. Peter, stop it. Welcome to our home, Joan. I'm Lois. Won't you come in?

Ew! Hey, Brian. You want some Stewie jerky? Oh, God, that is disgusting. I'm finally starting to peel. I'm telling you, Brian, my tanning days are over. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage to my skin.

Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

Sorry I'm late, fellas. Cool, Glenn. You look just like Tommy Lee. Well, I figured it'd be appropriate since I just found out I got hepatitis. You know, maybe we should have decided on outfits that matched. Now we all look like a bunch of queers. Fellas, it doesn't matter what you wear... as long as you play kickass rock and roll and do this with your tongue. Am I right, Gene?

Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair. Listen, you had your chance. I e-mailed it to both of you. You wrote back, "Looks fine" and you just added that part about Grape Ape. "P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape.

What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?

Quagmire, you got to help us. We pissed off a bunch of ghosts, and now our house is gone and we got no place to stay. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time. WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version? Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing.

Previously on Family Guy. Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car!

Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

UH, Hey, can I join you? I guess. What's your namE?

We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock But it wasn't a rock it was a rock lobster

No, I'm Meg Griffin.

the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her?

Peter, we've had complaints from all over town. You're gonna have to stop with the kicking. Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.

I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms. Sheldon, that's less than two pounds. It sounded better the way I said it. (LAUGHING) When I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people...

Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving? I don't know. It's always the same thing. Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box,

Just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night. (GRUMBLING) And that's all we had last night. What does that mean? Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Maybe that we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex. Do you even know what sex is? That's not the point! Don't change the... It's a kind of cake? Look, can we just drop this and have a normal pretend dinner? Fine, fine!

Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher.

and flavorful and very, very special. Oh, yeah, Sure, Lois. All the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section. Stop with this! Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff. I mean--i mean, Mine goes inside of me when I stand up. How do you think I feel? Is Dad mad at me? Oh, Of course not, honey.

This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome! That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian. We fix it up and sell it for a huge profit.

Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly... What the... Where am I? This is Straight Camp, Peter. I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for Lois. By the time you get out of here, you're gonna be back to your old self again. Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone.

We can't leave. It's almost halftime and we all pooped in the tuba. (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) (TUBA PLAYER EXCLAIMING) Okay, we can go.

and stick pine cones in my ass.

She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there. It's really sad and a tiny bit funny. Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high. Now I'm messed up, too. (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time. That's absurd. Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party.

Maybe he's forgotten you Chumba Wumba gobbledy gorse Count yourself lucky you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy gluE I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway!

Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.

Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass. Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening.

Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere! Not quite, Brian. This is a universe. But its only inhabitant is one really far-away guy who yells compliments. I like your shirt! Thank you! This was nice.

(SCREAMS) (BEEPING) What the hell?

she had a cigarette in her hand.

All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks!

MAN 4: License to Drive. Definitely seen it. That's a shame What a shame Who's to blame? For Corey Haim His name is Mr. Booze Mr. Booze Mr. B-double-O-Z-E You must refuse You'll make the obituary news If you mess with Mr. Booze

That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in.

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?

I'll show you. All right. Stand back, Lois. Oh, my! Well, No wonder he's always slouching. How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

I hereby proclaim this city New quahog! Well, This isn't very good, now, is it?

I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no! So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid.

Question number 2. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? I--I don't know. Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly.

- (FARTS) - Aah!

QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I just have to concentrate on driving. Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!

But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, yeah. (SCREAMS) Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself. Look at me sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet. I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.

Ok, now I'm pissed.

and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.

Ah! What the heck?

Chris, you're hogging up all the fans! Yeah? Well, You're hogging up all the ugly! Check this out, you guys. The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! First prize is $500! Really?

Oh, thank you, God. Don't mention it.

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

(CELL PHONE RINGING) STEWIE: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right? Look, Stewie, I can't talk about this now, all right? Jeez, what's your problem? I just... I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it.

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny.

I don't believe it. It worked. Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin. (GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way.

Welcome back to Channel 5 News at 10:00. For those of you wondering what I've been writing down as we go to commercial, it's a cat. Just a cat. In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art.

Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?

What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck.

Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind.

You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee. Peter... Everybody pee now. We're an unusual family.

Looks like we got a joker here.

So you admit you ran the red light? Fuck you.

We should be embracing the things God gave us. Not telling our kids that A person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look. Ah! Holy crap! Ahhh!

All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams,

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better.

Now light it, ring the doorbell, and run like hell! " don't know about this, Doug. Just do it! Oh, good Lord! Is that.... Doody!

(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex? Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we?

Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances. How is he, Doctor? Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe. I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you. Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring. Grandpa Griffin? Is he that Guy that smells like firewood and has big, gray pussywillows in his ears? Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows." My dad worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years. Tomorrow night they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him.

Well, I got to eat. And I got to have fun. Peter, you're just acting out. No, I'm not. I'm acting in. Okay, now you're just saying the opposite of what I say.

He died two weeks later. Some say of a broken heart. What, sir? But that was Carstairs. What the hell is going on here? Mr. Griffin, your house is being repossessed for failure to make payment. Oh, my God, the house too?

You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel. You got something new to write about now, you know. Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak.

Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. (COUGHS)

PETER: "Black-Eye" Griffin struggled to make ends meet until he died tragically in the same manner as 78% of Americans at that time. He was stabbed in a card fight. It was a simpler time. It was a better time.

Blast! Ooh! A penny!

What about lemon juice?

Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me. Peter, what the hell is this about?

That was strangely arousing. Ow! UGh! ugh! Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, It's in a window this time. Wow, look at them run.

So what do you think?

Run! Run for your lives! Quick! We gotta get out of here! Come on, get in the car!

Okay. Why? Uh, it's a present. It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you'll hang onto that? Yeah, sure. (EXCLAIMS) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (SCREAMS) I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid.

Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel. I BM-ed. Hey, Juice. Is it all right if I call you Juice? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to murder a woman and get away with it. Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

And since the laws of death no longer apply, I can do this. That's right, Tom. And now it's time for sports. GrEAT, The whole world is laughing at me.

Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different.

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night. It's a comedy that's too good to be funny. Dude, you're trippin'.

Look how cute he is. Yes, he's very cute. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING)

Last night, Carter was on his deathbed,

I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that marathon. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it? I'll tell you, Bob. I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again!

Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy. Relax, Chris. Nothing bad ever happens when you're asleep.

Son, you have my word, I am not gay. You promise? I promise. All right, I believe you. But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. Oh, come on. Just be gay.

- What? - One more time. Hey, Peter, you all set to go see Zapped tonight? I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we... That's hilarious! You are a delight. And Zapped is one of my favorite movies. I look forward to watching it with you, sweetheart. Oh, wonderful. (PETER FARTING) Death!

A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

When I call your name, please respond. Jenkins? (STOMACH RUMBLES) Robertson? (STOMACH GROWLS) - Davis? (STOMACH GROWLS) Elliot? Where's Elliot? I think he's asleep. Elliot? Elliot, wake up. Elliot?

Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. Ribbity.

(PANTING) Help! Somebody help! Rape!

Hi! What are you doing here?

Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick.

My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous!

Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video. Let's face it. Your kids are gonna get into your guns. That's a fact. Gun accidents can be avoided by introducing your children to guns as early as possible.

Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama?

He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!

Wah! Wah! You like that? Huh? You like that? Wah! You just tune this out, don't you? Wah! Well, Tune this out! Wah! - Wah! - Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Shut up!

Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

Sorry, love. Better luck next time. Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! And What you've done is a textbook example of insurance... "fraud"! Oh, Bloody hell! What the devil were you doing in the closet anyway? I came with Demond.

Joe, you got this all wrong. Like God did, when he made Rosie O'Donnell. You can't put a vagina on this man. Why not? I'm God. Well, what do you want to do about the breasts? Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.

Excellent! The mind- control device is nearing completion! Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman!

Oh, no! (Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.

This is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. Thank you, Daddy! I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? It makes him happy. These are cooL.

Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys.

I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man. No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town.

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

And if you say "That's what she said,"

I can't believe Horace is dead.

This door's locked, move on to the next one. Well, maybe they're behind this door. I just said it's locked. Well, can't you knock or something? Hello? Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House.

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING)

But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- Nancy, get me a beer. - Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol. Peter, did you just throw those women away? No. Maybe.

I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy?

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? I was raped. (CHUCKLING) What? Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. (LAUGHING) What? (WHISPERING) Peter, that's a prostate exam.

What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby! Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld!

it fits in there 'cause there's a hole in it. Have fun where you're going. Well, it's become clear. The only way to avert this disaster is by writing a strongly-worded letter to the black hole. "Dear Space. Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you? "You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate.

Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! Oh, my God. She's dead. Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all.

Also, I've been under the weather lately,

I wants me that beer. (ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.

There better be beer in the fridge. Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable. Like the stock photos on a corporate website. WOMAN: I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. MAN: I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. MAN 2: We're college students listening to our professor,

He--He doesn't know how to haggle. Peter, what's going on? I'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead. Yeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike. Boy, I had so much fun playing with that. More tea, Mr. Bike?

You abandoned me!

Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING) Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm. (PAUL SHAFFER'S VOICE SCREAMING)

I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch T.V. anymore. All the shows are starting to run togetheR. This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H". Ah, Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

Okay, everybody ready? Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys. (MEN CHUCKLING)

(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know. Gee, I hope I didn't scare the cows. I don't want to put them in a bad mood. (CRICKET CHIRPING) (SOBBING)

Any questions? Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? You'll get the answer to that question next Saturday. (SCOFFS) Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.

Jeez. CatDog. What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands, that's what... That's what happens. All right, look, let's get some music going on in here. Where's the Lullaby Channel? (RADIO CLICKS ON) (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me. (SOBBING) PETER: Put the dog out. The dog's crying. Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out? I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?

Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh! Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready. Maybe if you loosen my chains?

What's the big deal?

(LAUGHS) Movie references. Guys, I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck! Hurry!

You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! That really hurt. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you!

And--and--and--And he told me, "You don't have to understand it.

My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed.

That's just the face I make when I'm thinking. And you're always pointing at me. I was trying to start a conversation. And you do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency. Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before. But this is a great chance for us to start over. No, it isn't! You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me! You go to hell!

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad.

Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.

A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans.

It validates the work of a lifetime. It certainly does. Back to you, Tom. MAN: All right. We're clear. I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude. MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up! Bitching! See you, Ching-Chong. Everyone, guess what.

It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off. Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here. You know what? Look, Cleveland, look. See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland. Let me out of here! I need to get out of here. Cleveland, no, you're staying. This is for your own good.

It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern seaboard. It killed 17 million people.

I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal. Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh, my God, you're right! You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on. Okay.

Is she gone? Them and their squabbling. Although I suppose they're not the first couple to have problems. undefinedDid you have a nice day? At was okay. You know, our son got into your closet today. Okay. Anything.... Anything in there, maybe you wouldn't have wanted him to see?

Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?

That with the sun's love In the spring Becomes the rose

I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal?

Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.

by two separate yet equally important types of shows. Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of e veryda y situa tions. ' ' like trying to fix your own plumbing or in Viting two dates to the same dance. And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter. Sorry. I just farted.

I have to say I'm really liking the new you an awful lot. An awful lot. (SNICKERS) What are you doing? I'm fooling around. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun. Lois, I'm gay.

Oh, hi, Stewie.

(LAUGHING) A bowling ball wearing a hat?

Good night, everybody!

comes the riveting sequel, Gone Severely Disabled Baby Gone. I promise you, we are going to find your daughter. Okay, but, you know, do what you can, but seriously, don't, like, kill yourself. Oh, and if you do find her, honk this horn a couple times. It's the only way to get her to stop biting you. But again, no rush. (HAMMERING)

You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr. I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything.

Oh, my God, we did it! We struck gold! This is amazing! We're gonna be rich! Rich and gay. Come here. (COWS MOOING)

(SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!

Meg? Honey? I did all your laundry.

Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING) What do you think of this? That makes you attractive. Yeah! Well, maybe now you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you.

He's a family guy

Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody. Giggity Goo Ga!

I swallowed this People magazine in 1989. All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee. It's so nice to have you home, dear. I can take it or leave it.

In fact, last year alone, there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. (All) Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe! Peter, we can't afford this.

Cool. Really? Oh, that's good. Oh, I knew it was... I knew it would look cool. Wait, don't we have to put an earring in it so the hole won't close? I don't think it's gonna close. I can't believe I have pierced ears.

STEWIE: Oh, my God! (CHUCKLES) Brian's eating it.

Hello, everybody. This is Montecore. He's my lion. I have a lion now. (ROARS) Peter, what the hell? You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram. Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun, and now I have a lion. Does it bite? Of course it bites. It's a lion. Peter, get off the lion.

Aw, Don't cry, sweetheart. I'll--I'll make it up to you. You remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well, I bought him. And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise! Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg.

Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it?

Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House? Well, I guess we're just lucky nobody got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I agree.

(PANTING) (CLATTERING)

Are you Big Fat Paulie? Oh! I'm Louie Anderson!

I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society!

No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees.

Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies?"

What am I supposed to do? Nothing. You just sit there and enjoy yourself. Do I... Do I stick the money directly inside of her? No, you do not. Why, have you done that before? (LAUGHING) Doesn't go over. When do I hit her? For crying out loud, just drink this. And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life. Yeah!

Take them down!

in the game night rotation, guys. We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty. For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Man, does anyone ever win at this game? You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

(AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)

And Bush's bombing countries 'Cause I like it

So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian? All right, you guys. I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking...

All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING)

Pandering to the lowest common denominator.

But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the mes be dead? Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... You know what? I guess not. All right? Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully.

This plane's going to Miami! (ALL GASPING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, well, good luck with that. You know, I like your delusion, Brian. Most people would say, "I lost, I give up," but you, you just keep trying. You're like the Dominican Republic. Always killing the guy in charge and saying, "Ah, this new guy, this new guy's gonna get it right."

Jump in, honey. Don't be afraid. The turtle will keep you safe. Oh, For God's sake, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle? Nature's "D" student? Oh! Oh, This is marvelous! I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller.

Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

- Peter, what the hell is that? - This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus. What do you need a Seeing Eye dog for? Well, because I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive. I don't know when to cross the street. And I took a dump in the church confessional... which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless.

- What happened? - I don't know. Dear God, my time machine!

I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.

Peter, you sure it's okay to be at the brewery after hours? Relax, Joe, this is where I work. Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend. You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m.

Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch?

Thanks, Brian! Brian? Hey, princess.

(CHORUS SINGING) Take it home with ya!

Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped? I killed it and ate it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Rebels! Rebels! Rebels! - Empire sucks! - Rebels! Rebels! Yeah! Yeah, Rebels! Yeah.

Wait. What? It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian. And I'm gonna sue them for it. Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers. It was your own fault. Yeah, besides, Peter, those companies have huge legal divisions. You can't fight that. I'll find a way, with the help of my snarky cat lawyer, Meowsy McDermott. You've gotta be kitten me! Ha!

Chris, where the hell are we?

We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Listen, I've had a good life. And You can always be prouda your father and all of his accomplishments. What Accomplishments? Go to your room.

Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof. Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway. Man! This is even better than... No, wait. No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore. CHRIS: Is somebody in there? Ocupado. Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

I'm just gonna do the cadences. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(GUN FIRES) (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, the President's been shot. If you ask me, the President's the lucky one. How's that? He doesn't have to sit through the rest of the show. (GUN FIRES)

Hey, Watch it! Peter! What? Hey, Peter. I see nothing. Nothing. I've had it with these interruptions!

(SOBBING) Get off me, you skank. I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy. And I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market.

is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!

Touch down! Good grief. What're you doing, O.J.?

Kids, from now on this is where we'll celebrate the Sabbath. Peter, this is all unnecessary. Our life was fine the way it was. Check it out. I'm one of you guys now, huh? I'm Jewish! Yeah! Holocaust! We're number one! Look at all these short, hairy men.

Holy crap! I am freaking out!

Oh, My God! I did.

You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going.

If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill!

Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! (EXCLAIMS) He said it!

Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.

Yeah, yeah. I know, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Our baby is at home all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less. Here's a little tip. If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do!

Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream.

Brian, knock it off! Oh, man. You jackass! Hey, who the hell are you? Hello? What are you doing in my house? We're Santa Clauses. Yeah, you're Santa Claus.

B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!

I've heard enough. I do believe that Brian would be a successful parent. However, if he was to repeat his actions at the dog track, he would be setting a bad example for his puppies. Therefore, I grant Brian custody with the condition that he be neutered first. Yeah! You did it, buddy! Oh, Congratulations! Oh, man! What does "neutered" mean?

Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.

Well, I guess we ought to call it a night. Come on, Stewie. Up to bed. No party? Oh, come on! I was gonna show a slide show of all those silly photos I took of Meg.

Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson. Seems he left something very valuable in his room and we're here to retrieve it. Mr. Gibson just checked out a moment ago. Uh, There he goes now. Oh--oh, Lois, run! Hey, stop!

(WEAKLY) Help me. Oh, we're here to help somebody else, sweetheart. Go, go, go, go. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. That was my mistake. Stewie, I don't see Meg anywhere. Brian, look! (SOBBING)

(SIGHS) Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot.

Now, Go to your room!

Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device. And when I do, Mother, victory shall be-- Peter, you had us so worried. What on earth were you trying to prove? I'm sorry. Joe is a great guy. I guess I was just tired of him being your hero.

Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses.

Sorry, no returns.

(GROANING) - Patrick? Yes? My name's Lois. I'm your sister. Oh, my God, Lois. I never thought I'd see you again. These are my children. Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick? Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience.

Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings.

STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right, you can do this, Stewie. Here we go. Ahhh! (THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!

This game's better if there's someone else here. 'Cause then they can say, "I'm not going to pick up those cards." And then I say, "You have to, it's 52 Pickup." And they say, "Well, what if I just leave them there?" And I say, "Those are my father's cards. You can't just leave them there. "He's going to be mad." Where am I?

Oh, God! Oh, God!

For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself. See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something, but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!"

- Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!

No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins. No, no, no, no, no. You boom! Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom. Then I come back, be hero, virgins. Okay, yeah, see you in a few minutes, big hero.

We can get out of any mess If we learn to live with less And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear

Agreed, Peter. We got a letter from Chris! Okay, he says he's doing great, having a wonderful time. He met a girl. He got married? He says he's not coming back.

Is it on the machine? I erased it.

Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie. Tell him, "Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing." - Oh, come on. - Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him. (GUN COCKING) Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing. Well, that's disappointing. I needed that boost today.

Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. Damn.

Welcome back, FARGAS. Thank you. Welcome back, FARG. Much obliged. Halt. Present hall pasS. Excuse me? Second request. Present hall pass.

And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!

(GROANING) (ALL GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know! What does it look like? (SCREAMING) What do I do? What is that? What is... I feel something! It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.

"Guess what? Chicken butt."

With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. What are you... What are you doing with a gun? Something I should've done a very long time ago.

This is a favorite by Men at Work. Do you come from a land down under? (SINGING GIBBERISH) Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.

Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!

Now, the marines, those are the men you want to fuck.

Well done, Stewie. That could've gone really wrong. Like that Kid Rock concert. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh, my God, help! He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor? No fucking way someone's a doctor here.

Max it out on the Lord, people. Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one. Look, Brian, Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters. Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry.

Go, Dad. He can't hear you. Go, Dad! So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all! "Of suns and worlds I nothing had to say "I see mankind's self-torturing pains"

Oh, Jeni. Jeni. Oh, Yeah, Jeni, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni, your H.B.O. comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. And what a sweet ass.

STEWIE: (DISTANTLY) She says that to Meg a lot, so that's not good.

Ok. Now you. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead. Hi.

JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

What do you think's in there? I don't know. Looks scary. What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look. No. I'll go first. Do you see anything?

(FARTS) All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over.

I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Good morning quahog. The heat wave has finally broken, Tom. it sure has, diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, "go back where you came from." Uh, I don't think that's the expression. Yeah. I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway... Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching.

(WOMAN SCREAMING) "I'm still hungry," said the very hungry caterpillar. "But you've already..." Drunk Billy will be missed.

Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man. Well, will you look at me?

See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, ifl come back in the middle of the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID." Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy.

I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board. This is my son! Oh, My apologies. Hey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid! Don't listen to him, ChrIs. I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait herE.

All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

All right, I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. Hey, wait up! Right into the bumper.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.

Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. But of course. That was my victory day.

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. Stop fighting!

Look, Peter, his car's still there. Maybe they haven't left yet. Quagmire, let me in, you son of a bitch. QUAGMIRE: (ON RECORD) I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you.

The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.

Awful lot of honkies in here.

Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house? Oh, God! You're a monster.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore.

so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future.

Any human that bites a dog gets euthanized. You know that. No. He doesn't. He's from another universe where dogs are subservient to humans. Oh, you mean like that time we... Yeah. When we bounced around between... Yeah. And you couldn't figure out how to... Yes! They're gonna kill him! We got to get him out of there! It's a tough world here. You hear about it every night on the dog news. Coming up. That bush in the park is my bush!

His movies are terrible.

(SINGING PEPPY SONG)

Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds. He probably put them.... I was in the john.

He said he'd think about it. Okay, so where were we? Okay. f want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Bela tions. Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah. No, great, that sounds good. All right, groovy.

But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball. I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments...

Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?

I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a bro-ster. Hey, Peter, you want to see my peginas? Uh... (STAMMERING) I don't know.

Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.

Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock was here? Well, they're dead. And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk. That's right, he got it from me. I swear I didn't know how strong it was. And now he's dead. They're both dead.

The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory,

Look at that one! Look at that one there! Look at that other one! (SCREAMING) We're gonna get pulverized out here!

I don't know about this, Joe. There is no fear in this dojo! Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is. There is no mercy in this dojo! Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? No mercy! (FARTS)

You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now?

You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right. Okay, careful. Careful, Peter. PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

You're probably never even gonna see him again. Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Hey, Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Astley. You know that mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this!

Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry he's A family Guy Hey, guys! guys, Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky.

Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again. I don't want to impose.

You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Got to make you understand Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around... Whoa, whoa, big guy.

You gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.

I don't wanna, I don't wanna.... Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears.... Who wants chowder?

Take that cap off before I take it off for you!

and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you.

- In your butt. - Mr. Griffin... - Butt. Butt. - Mr. Griffin... You know what? Just get the hell out of here.

The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac? COMPUTER: The Death Star is getting closer.

No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.

You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh? I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you. um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Down therE? Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God, no!

Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, - Pirates of the Caribbean 4, - Orbit gum. Hang on, go back. I want to see that Pirates trailer.

Hey, this is not a barn, young lady.

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.

Ok. Ok. And now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. Butter fingers. I--I was making radio shows for fun. E-e-Everybody does it. E-Everybody I know-- Shut up!

Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris. Go, long. (SCREAMING) Touch down! Good grief.

Oh, Here's the paper towels.

He-hee. Yeah! Look, you--you guys got it all wrong. I--i--i... I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God. I need help! Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie.

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.

even more than Julia Roberts loves herself. Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me!

Yeah. I figured, why not? You know, you, we, you and I see each other from time to time. Oh, my God! We, like, never see each other! This guy! You, like, disappear for a month and then you call me? So silly! You're lucky I like you so much.

not like Sting where you can only understand the last three. (GARBLED SINGING) ...up a brand new day

There's semen on this floor.

"but the headaches are getting worse." (GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that!

I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit?

Oh, my God, that sounds so amazing!

Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists? Look at Julie, Brian. She's absolutely beautiful.

Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!

Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is. I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race. I'm sorry, everybody.

I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo. I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming. No, I won't.

Oh, my God, I would love to. Look at me, huh? Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity. Well, I think you're exaggerating. No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy. Hey, Kermit. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change. What? There's been a change!

That's fine, that's fine! We'll take it! CHER: (OVER PA) Bethlehem! I have one question for you! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Do you believe in life after love? Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

(SIGHS) Who would have thought it would be this hard to replace Cleveland? You know, guys, we've kind of been ignoring the obvious here. I mean, if you really break it down, what we need is a black guy. Yeah, that was the best thing about Cleveland. Oh, by far. I sure do miss him. Peter's right! We got to find another black guy! Yeah, because otherwise, we're just a bunch of boring white guys, like a London gentlemen's club.

Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?

I'm 18, and he keeps treating me like a kid.

I know these are good, 'cause I'm my toughest critic. Dad, are we almost there? Shit. Yeah. No, according to the map, we're pretty close.

Hey, Stewie, If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself. Hmm, I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano. I suppose I could as well. All right, try it again, Richard.

- Hey, you still awake, Lois, honey? - Dad?

So I'll use Meg's laptop. (GRUNTING) Dad! What the hell? (GRUNTS) Look at him in that tank top.

The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly. The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity,

Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom. Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.

Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. Huh. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. Boner. His name was b-b-Boner.

Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon? (SLURPING STOPS) Oh! All right, Meg, that's enough. You've had your little dramatic outburst. (BRIAN SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Hey, I got an idea, Mom. How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh?

(CROWD BOOING) Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a lot of courage! Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six,

Oh, Brian, there you are. Look, I've been thinking about your situation with women, and I believe I've come up with a way to get to the source of the problem. Follow me. What's going on? Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends!

Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman? You wanna see a picture? Look at this. This is an actual picture from the book. (MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?"

Ok, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future. So are we. We're from the further future. - We came to stop you. - Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free.

We had the abortion.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON T.V.) I have to tell you something, Adam. You're an alien. I know.

There's my little Lois. What? Lois? Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car. You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home. (GAGGING) (CRACKLING)

Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share!

Oh, my God! Brian, I went to a baby rave last night. Dropped a Flintstones chewable. It was a purple Betty. I was flyin'! I was up till like... Like... I don't even know how late.

You know, you, we, you and I see each other from time to time. Oh, my God! We, like, never see each other! This guy! You, like, disappear for a month and then you call me? So silly! You're lucky I like you so much. Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in? Wow, it looks like the whole town got invited.

(SINGING) Oh, your old guitar. I haven't seen that thing in ages.

No, Peter. I said she wanted to. Damn it, Peter! Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things. Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now. What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?

Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done? Looks like you ran over him, Lois. Oh, no! He's unconscious! Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up!

Check back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks? But I have a baby at home! We would have sent you back with the other passengers, but, uh, we didn't know you were stuck in the bathroom. We weren't doing what you're thinking. - I was. - Hmm. We apologize for the hijacking. Ah, That's ok. y'know, You people are nothing like the Communists they show on T.V.

heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along? Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real-life tragedy of Edith Piaf. Usually Peter would break the tie. (SHOUTING) Well, Peter isn't here, is he? Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No. He's in a PTA meeting. Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here!

Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Oh, Honey, of course I can.

I'm so horny. Kiss my hand.

Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No.

And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead. TOM: What happened to the girl? WOODS: I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron. (GRUNTS) Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo! You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! WOODS: You're the same thing!

I'm glad we waited. (GRUNTING) Giraffity. Yeah, see, that's not mine.

Kind of a cheat sheet.

It was difficult for Twink to play with other children. He--he--He was different. He was definitel-- He--He had no bones. And he couldn't really play any sports. Yeah. And That's, y'know, why we got him the lasso. He'd spend hours in the backyard playing Wonder Woman. He's gonna kill me.

YOu. You lied to ME. Oh, my God! There's Mom! Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? Bite me! Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois dowN.

Yeah, that's true. Just pretend I'm a boy. Ok. You want to go down to the old town bridge and make out? Yes, sir! And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Ooh! Wow! Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her.

They're yours! Know what a merkin is?

Oh, You guys are asseS!

Is it... Is it looking at me? Can it see me? (CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared of this thing, huh? Does it eat little boys? I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry. (SCREAMING) Here's 50 bucks. I'm taking this album. Oh, wow! Check it out, Chris!

Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie?

Would you kiss this guy? Ugh, No. No way! No. No! No. No. oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh!

so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.

You never answer your cell phone And your messages are often ambiguous Amen A reading from the book of Leviticus. "Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock,

He said it's okay if you sit at the kid's table. Peter, I cooked the damn dinner. You know, I knew you were going to react like this, and that's why I brought Bill Lumbergh to explain it to you. Yeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead and not complain about this. Oh, and if you could go ahead and sit at the kids' table, that'd be great.

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.

You don't understand, Brian. What am I supposed to do without Jolly Farm? I'll be like an Italian mom without bad kids. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is all the commotion in here? We're not doing anything. You getting fresh with me? I'm tired of bailing both of yous out of prison. We're both in college, and we consistently make the Dean's List.

So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie. Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car!

Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours. Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start! I'm coming. I was just getting Stewie.

Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these "cheers" and "jeers" work again? Well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television, and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it. See, yeah, I'm not quite... We can't do this over the phone.

That's funny. Thank you. Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff. What's that big tarp over there? That was Chris's blankie from when he was a baby. Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him.

Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience. Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.

Oh, and we do have one special today. It's an avocado pit with a little bit of avocado still on it,

I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26!

I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt. And not Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot or sentient robot curious about its own existence, is gonna keep you from me! Peter, I am here with Glenn. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Now, leave us alone. Is that what you really want, Lois? Yes, it is.

I'm flying! I'm flying!

There you go. Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life. Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman!

So, Bill. We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too!

I'm sure there's two sides to this. MAN: You make me hurt you!

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it! What the deuce are you all staring at? Is there something wrong with me? (GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt.

QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police!

You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth. It was a horrible thing to do, Lois.

(BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place,

(MOCK CRYING) (GASPS) You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that!

Well, listen to this! Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give

How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us. It's way easier to get into these clubs if you have chicks in your group. You ever notice that? No, I never have.

In too good of shape.

In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane Rupaul which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey.

Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's. Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir!

Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

ALEX KEATON ON TV: Listen, I don't care that you're dating Mallory. Nobody in this family likes you, Nick. You just stand your ground, garbage-sculpture man. They'll come to respect you. You bastard! Nick was no good for her and it broke Skippy Handelman's heart!

Isn't anybody gonna thank me? Yeah, I'll have a water if you're getting one.

You have Anything on that remote lower than mute?

You, hey... You get back here right now, mister. Don't you... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble. You put that ice cream back right now.

that doesn't mean things are going to change between us, right? No, no, of course not. Excuse me a moment, Carter. Hey, guys, I just bumped into Carter Pewterschmidt outside. What a loser, huh? (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, when he wasn't looking, I stuck a springy snake in his wallet. What? (YELLS) And I switched out one of his eyeballs for a gag exploding eyeball.

and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.

Gonna buy me a rainbow Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow The time is right It's day, not night Just open up your heart It’ll be all right

Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Hey, everyone, I'm back! Hello? What the hell? (GROWLING) PETER: Hey, Brian's home! What the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing. Just working on a family project. Getting in some together time. I have a crossbow!

Oh, Karin. Come on in. Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you... over at Glamour next Monday... but, sugar, you're gonna need these to stay on top. Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these. I don't need to. Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh?

I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go. - But, Rita... - Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you?

You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion. We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house, so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.

Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y about any sort of stupid shit. So what? I think what's actually alarming is the fact that all this kind of pseudo-spirituality is being peddled to the American people in books that have, really, less substance than an issue of TV Guide.

I feel so foolish.

Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, pleasE. I beg your pardon? 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester.

Yeah. Come on in, sis. Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend? Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really P.U. Anus, I'm serioUS! Look, siS. Sometimes it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings. You're the best!

She's right. All the hours we've wasted on that damn idiot box. I'm gonna paint my house! I'll build a ship in a bottle. I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road. I'll take you home, honey.

And this one took the grand prize. (LAUGHING) Really? (STAMMERING) I had heard only good things. It was goddam fucking piece of shit on a dick! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I got to hear David Mamet curse in person.

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy

like a non-praying mantis. Bless us, O Lord, for these gifts we are about to receive. Help us to be mindful of all our blessings, and... (MUNCHING)

Oh, my God, Joe, there's a man on the wing. Peter, there's no man on the wing. There is! I saw him! Peter, stop being ridiculous. I'm telling you, lift up the shade. There's a man on the wing. (SIGHS) Fine. It's me. I'm the man on the wing. Peter, how the hell did you get out there? Are you crazy? Get back in here, Peter!

Hey, what are those guys doing?

Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time. Join us same time tomorrow, if it's not entirely inconvenient for you. If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance. This has all been an imposition. I'm so dreadfully sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.

Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so. Well, whatever it is, I like it. Green light. (BLOWING) Is it hard being a paraplegic? Well, it's no picnic. Unless your version of a picnic is being the basket. Well, you seem like you have a good attitude about it.

(GASPS) Bertram! Hello, Stewie.

You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.

Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good. I love you so much.

That guy changed the past all the time! Quick, Brian! Get down! Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Bonnie, he punched you in the throat, and that's why you sound like that? No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.

I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks. These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions? I would check the point first before re-priming it.

(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)

No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners?

No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it.

Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain!

You're a fucking bitch!

Hoisted by my own petard.

The chair recognizes your face!

Very fair. Like our prices.

Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.

What kind of cheap shot... Joel! I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room. He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been. (TRUMPET BLEATING) Hi. Welcome back from commercials.

My pot! My pot! Your pot? Your pot? And then in Chapter 28 of my novel, the other pilots finally trust the Japanese pilot and let him... Let him into their group. Dude, that is an amazing story.

No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.

Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know.

And now, boys and girls, it's time for Petey's Funhouse. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING)

He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.

Hi, I'm on a scavenger hunt. And I need a human foot. Well, as a rule, I would say no, but ok, come in. So, uh, So, this is what? This for like a school project or some--

Uh, Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Oh, That feels good.

Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off. Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked! Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here. You know what? Look, Cleveland, look. See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland.

What the deuce?

Peter, I can't do this. I am too nervous. I got to go. No, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. I'll tie you down, ifl have to. Peter, this is only making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in. It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric.

Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? I think The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? All rIght, Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?

(SCREAMING) Let's waste this dick. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it? You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, they were boulders! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Cereals do change.

Okay, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.

Oh, My God! You got fired? Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! How do you know about the machinE? Don't worry. your father WIll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!

That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

I use it all the time, and the owner has no idea. In fact, he'd kill me if he knew. Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "Years Traveled"? What thing? Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING) - What happened? - I don't know.

(GUNSHOT) Ah-ha! Right through me! Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront. I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a common dandy. Never!

Because I'm a hic-a-doo-la boy and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girl And together, it is a hic-a-doo-la world Hic-a-doo-la! Mr. Quagmire, what does "hic-a- doo-la" mean? What does "hic-a-doo-la" mean? Why It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. It's cheering real loud for the home team!

(GIGGLING) Well, I think I've seen enough. Let's get back to our universe. All right. Off we go.

Oh, We never should have stolen this film. Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.

ahh! What the hell are you doing? Watching you sleep, cutie pie. Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! Stewie! My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses!

ooh, Turn it up! Mom and Dad are on! Hey, We're back with more K.I.S.S. Forum. Im here with the Griffins. And They got something really exciting to share. Yeah. My wife here did K.I.S.S. Get out of here! Hand to God. Whoa! Peter! How does that make you feel? I feel like I've done K.I.S.S., too, Donny. And it feels good.

Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel,

My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead.

(CROWD GASPING)

Dear God, everything's moving backward. What? What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time. Reversed the direction of time?

After all, we couldn't even turn a double play. All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay.

I can't wait to build one of these of my own. I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night. Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.

and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? Stewie, this isn't what it looks like. Yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to... (EXCLAIMING) Ain't nobody talking to you. Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend? You know, I'm really... I'm sensing something here that... I should be going.

there was some weird stuff going on over there today. Hey, Quagmire. Can I... Hang on a sec. And that's why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees, he may very well be talking about himself. No, Glenn, that's not... Gloria, please. You wanna hear my interpretation, or are you simply gonna tell me that I'm wrong? I'm simply pointing out... Yes, we know. You're very well-read.

You know, I've been doing this job a long time, and I think you've got what it takes. (CHUCKLES) You're kidding. Really? Yes. How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter? (CHUCKLING) You know, I came down here not even thinking I had a shot. And now you're telling me this? Gosh, it's an awfully big decision!

The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is? (GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide! I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich,

But I need your love

you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook.

She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

That was a gift for the family. Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck!

You're painfully unfunny.

Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap. It was inexcusable, Peter. And Stewie may never be able to ride in a car again. Turn off the windshield wipers. They don't work. They're just making it worse. Peter, that's it.

Don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment? I was gonna call them. But, uh, my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

What's the matter, Bonnie? Don't you want to dance? Oh, it's okay, Joe. I don't mind sitting here with you. What I mean is, I don't want to hold you back. Don't be silly, honey. It's just as nice watching other people have fun. God, I hate being handicapped. Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union.

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real. Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Look, I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing. It was a one-night thing.

Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high.

You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Egads! The blueprints for my time machine! Those are for my eyes only! Thank you. Look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy. no! Hold up the picture. Let's see. No! Nothing to see here.

Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no penis! Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction?

I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night

Wanker! Wanker! I know, I know. Wanker! Wanker! Yes, I know. Yes. Wanker! You're a wanker! Wanker! Right, quite right. Spot on. He's got it.

(GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING) Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.

Oh, damn it, Brian, what the hell am I gonna do now? I haven't screwed up this bad since I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set. All right, Joe, now don't get carried away with this. Don't worry, Peter. I'll only work out during my downtime.

Well, here we are. Okay, guys, squeeze in. Bible photographer. Okay, we're smiling, we're happy to see Jesus.

All right. I made a touchdown. - Griffin, you're fired! - For what? We've had it with your crap. I talked to the coach, and he's selling your contract to another team. And the only one that'll take you is the worst football team in Europe, the London Silly Nannies.

And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)

"Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock, "and then cram it to the bottom of the hamper "like it's been there a long time." The word of the Lord.

(RAZOR BUZZING) All right. We's all done here. Hey, what the hell! What do you think, Mr. TV Ruiner? You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head. That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen. I was in a boating accident.

Peter, you're being an idiot.

Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg.

Come on in. Come on in. Tell old Stew.

Here's to fish. Uh, Hey, could I have one of those? Hey, Death, what are you doin' here? Me? Well, I'm, uh, I'm here because of that.

This is an epidemic. And it must be contained. Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! Or can we? (SCREAMS) What are you doing? Censoring real life.

You could file a suit, but that could take months,

Winner! (JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I should probably get going. Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again.

And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby.

And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me?

'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham. You wanna tell me what the fuck that was?

Brian... Brian! It's me, Stewie! Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it! I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" And then when you did, I was like, "I guess I should see how far I can take it, "'cause, you know, it'll be funnier." I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Because I'm the star of Jolly Farm.

Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance. (WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out.

I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.

But she said she never wants to see me again. Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. Is there any more coffee?

Lois, you are a wonderful woman. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you. Oh, Peter! Aah! Hey, You must be Lois.

Peter, where did you get that suit? My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp. This is how a patriot dresses, Lois. Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country. It's like loving God or a step-parent. You never really feel them love you back, but that's okay because they got other stuff going on, and you understand.

They're on your side of the bed. Oh, say that again.

Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! in your face! Uh, I gotta get going. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Our pleasure, Jeff.

Oh, my! (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Why would you do that? (LAUGHING) Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. (PSYCHO THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, I guess we should stay in bed, right? I mean, we said we would.

That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.

(KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)

(GROANING) I can't do it. I can't do it. Get the lotion. Put the lotion on me. Brian? Hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like. Never mind. I'll come back later.

Drop dead. I was returning it anyway. Where'd you even get that kind of money? None of your goddamn business, that's where.

I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal.

Listen to you! You don't know your own kids. That's the problem. It's not them, it's you. Me? Yes, you! And you know what? You've hurt your kids worse than any black hole could. Lois, you're overreacting. This'll all blow over by tomorrow.

You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was in over my head? Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing. Okay, then apologize. - I just did. - No, you didn't. You just said it's about me apologizing. That's not actually apologizing. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle. Okay, okay, there it is again.

We could... We could do it, man. We could. It'd be so easy, man.

You've had this since 1999? You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? It's a song about dogs and letting them out. I could have you arrested for breaking in here. Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine.

But then, Jesus, which religion should our family be? Six of one, they're all complete horseshit. BRIAN: Thank you!

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr

but you're just not right for this competition. Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man, that was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie? (SOBBING) I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking about. Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie."

I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky. Me, too. Hey, Maybe we can get on T.V. if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. There. Now they're old news. Peter! Go, Sox! Go-- Ahhh! ow! hmm.

Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody. (SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

I don't get it. You're painfully unfunny. Get the fuck out of my house! Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec?

But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right, Milli? No, it's just as good. Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba-ba-ba-ba- Baby! Ah, What's the use? You're right. Cease this prattling! This campaign literature must be posted today if we are to get you into office, and out of my life, you festering strumPET!

(CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING) Now, kids, you don't have to call her Mom right away, but I do want you guys to get along. Just give her a chance. I think you'll like her.

Illegal immigrants coming into this country, taking all the good jobs away from Americans. Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on. We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno. I own four apartment buildings. Mmm... I have central air. Oh!

Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it?

I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! I never even had my first kiss! It's not too late, Meg. I'm here for you.

Oh, Who needs them? You like Popsicles?

I can't believe we're actually gonna do this. Yeah. You go in first, and I'll go in a minute. PETER: Oh, wow! Oh, my God! Oh, this is amazing!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE)

Sorry, I've already got plans. What do you mean, "plans"? I'm going to the Country Club Dance with Glenn. I wanted to surprise you with the invitation last night, but you never showed up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready. Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire.

Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights and I say, I want Charles in Charge Hey! Hey! Hey! Quiet down, up there! You wacky Beatle.

Boy, great party, huh, Fred? Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day, and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.

All right, I'm gonna lower you in. I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age? Hurry up! The glue's wearing off! All right! All right!

Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. Cool Whip. You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip.

(YELLING) (ALL SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Yes, we're a hit! You were amazing!

No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man.

You ruined my adolescence, Lois. You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast. When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of the entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.

It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center.

goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. "However, I don't think this is going to work out. "P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

(STIFLING LAUGH) Is that him in the corner?

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease. "Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away."

And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?" Look who's got pimples. And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy! I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before.

JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished!

- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up. all right? Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast. You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks. I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach.

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doing? I don't know, Peter. It's like something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.

And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car. You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like washing board! Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad.

Would you like to join the Black Market Club? 10 percent off your first purchase. No, thank you. We're not from the area. Peter, just pay the man. Do you accept bits of string? Sorry. Store policy. But you know, there is another way for you to travel.

I did it! I killed her! She's dead! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (GROANING IN PAIN) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah, that's right.

Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? What did you just say? Hey, Lois... Hey, did you pee in here? In a moment! What did you just say?

English - US - CC

Okay, dear. Close your eyes and clear your mind. Okay. I'm seeing something. Joe, you were an octopus. Yes! Yes, this is so awesome! Damn it!

Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years? Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that? Say what, now? You don't deserve her. She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation. Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!

Well, You put me in a very awkward position, Peter. But I guess I have no choicE. Mom? Dad? I'm home! Who are you?

Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks.

What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, that's right. Don't you feel foolish. Well, how long does it usually take you? I don't remember. Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap. I hope my son is having a better time with your family. (SCREAMING) Poachers! (WHIMPERING)

Our daughter hates me and it's all because of you!

And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea. I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex. I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch. I want a divorce! You got it!

You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values

Oh, Stewie, how exciting. Your first visit to a real fire station. Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg?

I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down. This is an entire bottle of NyQuil. I know, and it's doing wonders. Come here, puss. Come here. Come here, puss. Here, puss.

Meg, you're fooling yourself. It's classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome. You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection. But think about it, Meg. You two have nothing in common. You know, you're right, Mom. I hear you loud and clear.

- Jesus Christ! - What?

(SOBBING) I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy. Well, I'm the best you've got. All right, so you know the drill. We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon, and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get $100 toward a boob job that you desperately need.

Well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... Never mind. So, what happened? I don't know. I did everything Dad said. (SIGHS) I should've known Peter had something to do with this. You're not the first person whose life he's screwed up.

Finally, a real clue. Let's go!

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, It's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar. One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here.

All right. Let's go. Cool, man. Hey, Dad, look at these little bananas. Why, You smug little bastard! Peter! Chris, these are plantains. And there's nothing wrong with them. In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal-size bananas.

You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend,

Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?

You don't get your mail here? No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands. Like what? Like, I'm part of a group that kind of fucks up Anne Frank's house every year. You know what? No. That's it. I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg. Chris, don't you see? You have no choice.

What time do you suppose it is, Brian? I don't know. About 3:30. Watch the sidewalk.

The life I love is making music with my friends I can't wait to get on the road again If we wanna get to Aspen, we're gonna have to get over those mountains somehow. Excuse me, how much is it to rent a helicopter?

Hey, is your refrigerator running? MAN: Yes, it is. Are your doors unlocked? What? Why? I don't know, they all kind of look the same. What do you mean, "they all look the same?"

(MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!

Oh, look, it's just Mr. Frog. Hello, Mr. Frog...

Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed. Never mind about that, pal. You just go out there and knock 'em dead. - Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ.

I'm going to feel the way I do today because you make me feel so young

Sorry, uh, i--I thought I smelled

Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple, A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

That ought to show you!

My God! Tumor-syphilis-itis-osis!

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

Brian, this is inexcusable. Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie? My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count. Hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right? I have my own life to live. You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra Jr. I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please.

I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth. Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch! Look, what the hell are you so hostile for?

(SCREAMING) Oh, God!

Our top story. Guys, right?

Well, you're the only person I've ever told this to. Aren't you gonna say anything? Well, I don't know what to say. Wanting to kill yourself... Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you. How is that selfish? What would I do if you weren't here? Mmm?

I have! Oh, my God, what a load of rubbish. We have this thing where we go to the worst regional theater we can find and laugh ourselves sick. And this one took the grand prize. (LAUGHING) Really? (STAMMERING) I had heard only good things.

He's having a little hallucination from the fever,

Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment.

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.

You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi. All right, fellas. I think we did it. This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death in the history of fake deaths.

like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

(FARTS) Mustache fart.

Oh, Just every waking hour! Well, i--I got this movie. I'm not gonna lie. It's a low-budget movie. But the script is solid. My director dropped out. And I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth. Well, I am smart and ambitious! Seriously. No, no. I'm clean.

Now you're talking, Angela. This country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig needs a new house. (BLOWING) PETER THE PIG: I wouldn't do that, if I were you. What? I said, I wouldn't do that. I said knock it off! Why? Because I just made stool in there,

Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds.

Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours. No! What happened? The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose. Oh, crap. And I was going to watch G.I. Jose.

You watch NCIS? Yes, sir. Yes, I do. CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor.

I got him! Ha, ha, ha!

What took me so long, right?

May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife.

Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time! I'm handicapped now! Mr. Griffin, you--you can't possibly expect me to believe this.

Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run. He's gonna get us. He's still got us. - He's gonna get us! - Oh, mY God! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's not budging. Come on. Let's go tO q-Bert's.

Now there you go, there you go There you go, there you go Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!

No. No. You fat keep you warm. No. No.

You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're-- Whoa! Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?

What the... Ahh! Take it off! take it off! Must kill star.

Quagmire, go get the "For Sale" sign. Hey, Horace, what the hell's this? It's a karaoke machine. I never got around to installing it. A karaoke machine? Wait a minute, that's it. We'll turn this place into a karaoke bar. Oh, man, that's the best idea since they faked the moon landing. DIRECTOR: Okay, cut.

Oh, Is that what it is? Really?

Spring cleaning?

Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!

(EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it. (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful.

Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River. That's right, Joyce. Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country, after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge,

So who wants to come back to the hotel and take a whack at my genitals?

They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC (CLAPPING) Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But I'm here to tell you, that as of today, PTV is officially shut down. Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first.

I farted during the murmuring.

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Hey, That's mine. Come on. Come on, give that back! Come on! Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a good long time. Them boys rassled for a full 5 minutes before the manager stepped in. Come on! Hands off, fatty! Hey! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, I'm a paying customer.

Well, what are we gonna do? We got to figure out what happened at this point in time. And I'll tell you another thing that worries me. You ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present? Well, who knows what else we changed.

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows.

Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg. Glad to have you. Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work. Now, let me just go over a few basics. You'll earn minimum wage, no overtime, no health benefits, and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth. Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now.

So, now our number one concern is that predators are watching our body heat. Peter, that's just a movie. That's not real. PETER: No, I think we need to cover ourselves in mud to avoid being seen. QUAGMIRE: Peter, Joe's right. That's only a movie. JOE: Oh, God, somebody farted! QUAGMIRE: It stinks! PETER: We should not rule out the predator having been the farter.

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim litz? It is you.

Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty. Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run!

Holy crap. They got a ringer. What the hell? Jerome's on your team? That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store. What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.

Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!

Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum.

Oh, My God! oh, Peter, I hear music. Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song.

Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art, and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passersby,

Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting. I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (SCREAMS) Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear.

Then you open up the septic tank and bam! Skeleton city!

Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard.

Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

'Cause after all... The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America ALL: The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue

I'm married to Brian. Oh, that's right. How inappropriate of me. Well, I guess, I should be going. - Lois, Lois, do you-- do you have a magnet in your head? - What? You must, because it's attracting my buns of steel. Peter, knock it off. You knock it off. You're the one with the magnet. I'm serious, knock it off.

Well, let's check. 9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context.

$500, $700, $10,000? How about $12? Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish!

Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy! Ah!

I own a cinder block yard. Have over 12,000 cinder blocks. If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price. Thank you. I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.

What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! (GROANING)

Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny. Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited. Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed? Oh, I do hope so. I've always imagined the most beautiful... (GRUNTING) Damn it!

Jeez, Brian, that's more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Wow, that cameraman has nice, strong arms. You can't catch me, gay thoughts. Hey, where the hell is Lois?

DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap. Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight? Gee, I don't know. I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex.

Isn't Christmas magical?

Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass. I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.

Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? Thank God you're here. What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. I don't know. Where's the other guy? This is unbelievable!

Like famous duelist, Sir Henry "Giant Hole in the Torso" Wickenshire. (GUNSHOT) Ah-ha! Right through me! Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront. I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a common dandy. Never!

If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.

You really think that splashing magic water on Stewie will keep him out of hell? Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. Oh, that's very Christian. - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you." - Now you're getting it.

Hey, what's that? Where? What? You're eatin' somethin'. You bastard! You have food? I don't know what you're talkin' about. Give me that. Peter! You've been eating my legs?

A 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in LarchmonT? My sister-in-law. Oh, Yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol?

Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar. And there's a naked priest sitting there. And he... Oh, sorry, Father. No, I've heard them all. Oh, Look at the time. I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her.

(EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, all that stuff, let's make that happen.

Oh, Great. Buy one and let's get out of here. What do you mean, buy one? All I've got is $50. We're gonna have to distract him. Follow my lead.

Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street.

Wow. Those are the Russian people? I mean, granted, you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the Russian people, but they're all bears on unicycles? Bears on unicycles, every one.

I spit water on you. Oh. Peter! Pe--

I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before. Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus. Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there.

Come on, Stewie. We're out of here. Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him. It's all over. Careful, Peter. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading your way!

To see what else is playing, just press "guide," and then scroll through the onscreen menu by pushing the arrow button, or to scroll even faster, use the channel up or channel down button. Now you're on your way to experiencing all that DirecTV has to offer. Now that we've learned the basics... This may be kind of messed up,

I'll start out easy. Little more complex.

What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow

I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)

Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief.

even when her mind started to go. What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom,

Starring Adam Sandler and...

So there it is, Lois. My God. But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois,

No, he's at work. Lame. Oh. Well, what do you want? I hear you're kind of a cool guy. Thought maybe we could hang out. Uh, okay. Okay! Carter and Quandary, hanging out. All right, I just got to go take a misty, stop-and-go piss in your bathroom, then we'll be good to go.

Those fanatics are building a golden idol of you on our lawn. Wow, I look like a freakin' Emmy. Heh heh. Hint-hint. Oh, Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas. That's never happened before. Morning.

These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

And then when we get out of here, we'll spread it around as much as we can. That sounds like fun! Actually, that does sound like fun. What'd you have in mind? Uh... Okay, okay, how about this? Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower.

I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot. All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you? Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.

Come on. Go bananas.

Huh? What about incest, Peter? What's incest?

So I guess you think you would have been some kind of big shot by my age, huh? Done things differently? Gotten that promotion? I don't even know what you do. Well, let me tell you something! You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING)

You won't get away with this, Woods. You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog. What the hell does that mean? This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell?

Uh, After dinner, we usually go into the living room and, uh, live for another 40 or 50 years.

Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think. Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track? OH... Let's not do this. Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE!

May I help you? Yes, do you accept the Discover card?

Ok. Back in a minute. No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle.

Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. Dad's just like Silly Putty. Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction.

Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries.

Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest.

Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America. We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburned, freckled fat guy. A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations. A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting. And where Ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!

Halt! Present hall pasS! Right here. Second request. Present hall pasS. But... Right here!

The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!

Was--Was he just mastur--

Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you?

(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois. No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to. All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time. This is very dangerous, and I have to make sure you never do it again. I won't, I swear! (SOBBING)

(SIGHS) All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. (SCREAMING) Grandpa! Oh, my God. Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances. How is he, Doctor?

All right, that about does it.

Spam and eggs, a baby's arm holding an apple. Pip pip, cheerio!

Oh, Boy, I hope you stayed away from that Beyond section. Oh, Here are the coffee mugs. Honey, what do you say we, uh, christen these new sheets huh?

He's dead. I forgot my purse.

That ought to show you!

it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me?

but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois--

(GROANS) If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off!

That's when he went back in time Oh, my God, Stewie, we have to get him back. When did the machine send him? I don't know. How can you not know? It's a time machine. Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year or something? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!

Please, Mom. Look, there's a pool.

Will you call tomorrow and make some excuse that doesn't make me look bad? Ooh, I know. Tell him I'm a pathological liar and that I've been under a lot of stress because of the child rape charges I'm facing.

Oh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I am so busy. Better hurry.

Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

"I rushed to freedom, but suddenly I was ambushed "by a mysterious man in white!" The man in white. Of course.

Oh, you just want Cleveland out of the picture so you can get back with Carolyn.

Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers. Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well. Build a bar! That's a great idea.

Hey, Joe, that's, like, right in my fucking ear.

MAN: I didn't like any of that.

Lois, I know how to settle our vasectomy dispute. A no-rules funny car race from here to Boston. Last one to Fenway gets snipped. Peter, what the hell? Where did these things come from? They were Loretta's. Please take them, they are no longer funny to me.

I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one, but as I recall, you were more interested in partying with your friends. Then Glenn came along and stole my heart. When he kissed me that night at the Country Club Dance, I knew we'd be together forever.

Brian, what the hell did you do? I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, wait, when did you even do that? Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. Saddam Hussein could be President.

Morning, Dad. Morning, Dad.

Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. He told me you killed him. No, I... Hang on. Spoiler alert. Okay. No, I am your father. Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects... What?

They had a sale on Super Soakers! Check it out.

Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money. Spare some change? Sure. You didn't put anything in there. Yes, I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it all in one place, Raggy. Griffin, what the hell is this?

Come on, dudes! Who wants to hop in my wheels, and head to the beach for some ultimate Frisbee? Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you. I can't... I can't do that.

He humps a guy like me Right!

Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. Oh, at last! Yes, Yes. Come now. Chase the stick. W-where--Where are the bags? What the deuce do you mean? They're right... Rupert! I told you to watch the bags! You were watching the boys again, weren't you? It's that steward, isn't it? The one who looks like Tab Hunter!

Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you!

Aunt Marguerite! Lois! Oh, my God! Sh-She's dead! Whoa! Heh. careful what you wish for, huh, LoIS?

This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good. Prosecutor, call your first witness. Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter.

"ah! "Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. "We had some real characters in my neighborhood, "like Frank the Mailman. "'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' Huh. "And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. "'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' "'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball.

(UNZIPPING) Well, now that's not going to help her nymphomania, it's only going to exacerbate it. Oh, my God, what are you kids doing? Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex,

(ALL SCREAM) What the hell? (CROWD YELLING) There they are. That's the Nielsen family. You ruined television. Now it's just a big, old, silly mess.

(SCREAMING) (GASPS) Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it! (SOBBING)

Okay. The doctor is the dad, who is a vampire. That is correct! (ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

So, what do you wanna watch? Well, if you turn on Channel 14, we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

It's Walker. It's probably Wheeler. I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar. (HUFFS) I could go for a stiff one. I think they got a pill for that. Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants?

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! (CHEERING) Those shows existed!

You've got a lot to see The P.C. age has moved the bar A word like "redneck" is a step too far The proper term is "country-music star" You've got a lot to see Our flashy cell phones make people mumble

Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself.

When do I start? Oh, he's coming! Oh, it hurts so bad! God, I hate working on Christmas. Oh, here he comes. (GRUNTS) And BC turns to AD! How's everybody doing? Oh, he's a miracle!

Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake!

Mom? Hey, Give me that! Just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Heh, heh, heh. All right, Dad! Hey, Dad. Thanks.

I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car. Relax, Meg. It's not the worst thing I've ever done. You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket. (GROANS) (SHUSHING)

Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.

Hey, Joe. We're having eggnog and roasted marshmallows. Want some? Boy! Do I! Oh, my God! This is why I love the holiday season. Pour me a nice big tall glass... (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) God bless us everyone.

I hate this station. They always make promises they can't deliver. DJ ON RADIO: Playing the greatest rock-and-roll hits of all time! (WE BUILT THIS CITY PLAYING) See? Chris, turn that off. We have a lot of work to do before we go inside. (RADIO SWITCHING OFF) All right. If I'm gonna be seen with you, we have to do something about that look. Now, take that hat off.

Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.

Some were born to sing the blues The movie never ends ft goes on and on Hey, that's Journey. Kickass! Howard!

You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh!

Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian. Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS)

Peter, what's going on?

I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe.

I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.

Hi, Daddy. At school today, they picked one kid... Millie, it's in here again. Me sorry, mister-sir. Get out the room, them there, you bother your father. Him unhappy him had you in the first place. Now, come on. I'll let you rub some lotion on me elbows.

(GASPS) Stewie? Where are you? Look behind you, you stupid cow! Stewie? Oh, my God! What's happening? Oh, wait, hold on a second. I want to try something. I remember I remember the worry, worry

Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh!

Oh, then Halle Berry.

I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party. I just smoked the wrong side ofa cigarette! Who wants to go swimming? This song is about me! Look, Brian, Peter is a jerk. And as far as I'm concerned, it's either him or me.

It's just Cheerios and coloring books. What? Where the hell is the money? Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you've got some milk and a bowl, we can give you a pretty healthy way to start your day. All right, enough of this.

but who after you told her of your intentions, said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard of all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures. And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs.

A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep."

That was strangely arousing.

Thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy? Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here! Why? I didn't even do anything! That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won! That's not true! Yes, it is.

At hurts! Good. All right. We good to go? Yup. All right, how's my man-tan? There we go. All set. Good. A little body glitter for you. Yeah. Yeah. That's hot. That's hot. All right, let's do this.

My God, this is more uncomfortable than the goodbye in The Wizard of Oz. Goodbye, Tin Man. Goodbye, Dorothy. Goodbye, Lion. Goodbye, Dorothy. I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say. Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah.

perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig.

Our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Maharjarifa... Something September 11th-y. All right, Omar, your word is "candy."

All right, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me, and right now it's telling me I have... (MAN READING) But I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got... (MAN READING)

Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool. Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids? Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school? What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are.

Yes, Lord Vader, their shield will be down in moments. You may start your landing. Excellent. We'll prepare for our descent. Hey. Hey, Consuela, no cleaning. No cleaning while I'm doing the hologram... Shut that off!

His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.

I say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts, and lifting our huge triangular iron weights! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup, hup, Ho! Hup!

I don't like change! Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard. Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS)

- That's just silly. - Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

Put me down, you blunderbuss!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Stabbed in the Butt, the only game show where if you get the answer wrong, you get stabbed in the butt.

I feel right, Brian. I feel right. Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house?

because we're gonna say grace before we eat.

I'm cold. Hey, Peter! It's nice that your family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw-- Peter! What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple!

What the hell? Where are we? Oh, my God, this is... This is Newport Country Club. I used to be a towel boy here. That's right, Peter. You're 18 years old again. At least, that's how everyone will see you. Hey, Peter, slap me five. Slap me ten.

Oh, yeah! That was... Wow! How was the view from heaven, right? Exciting stuff for you there. So now what do we do?

That was awesome! Oh, my God! That was completely by accident.

One of the competitors is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy. Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry, and found out she had a talent for it.

(PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.

It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, This is just terrific. How are we gonna get-- Oh, my God! I knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back.

Hey, Lois. I'm home from the Clam. You know what that means. STEWIE: You spent the last 10 minutes parked in front of the house, crying in your car? Not now, Peter. I'm doing story time with Stewie. STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could.

Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING)

You know, why don't I just meet you home? I'm going to run some errands.

Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked!

How convenient! Blame it on someone else. Is that the kind of man we want raising these puppies? Peter?

Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!" I got to figure out some way to get that card back. Well, You could always take the class again. I mean, I'm sure they'd give you another card. - Hey, do you hear that? - What?

(CRYING) Why did you have to provoke me? Why did you... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I've just been checking out some of that Internet porn. You okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just gonna go and check my mail over there.

He's some kind of omnipotent alien, with powers we can only guess at.

Peter's tie, Peter's tie That's because Peter's the guy All right. That's it. A little tie music.

Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give them a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! LOIS: Stop! Lois, what are you doing here?

I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes.

What does that even mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!

So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing? Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind.

I don't want to impose. No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday. What do you say, neighbor? Sounds like fun. Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!

If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop? Use the rubber stoppers on the front.

Guadalajara, Mexico!

Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian. ALL: Hello, Peter and Brian. Hi there. Hi, uniform mentality. I'm an individual. Come on, Brian. They're forcing us to do this, so let's try and make the best of it. Can't be that bad. All right, who'd like to kick us off?

It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

(STORMTROOPER SCREAMS)

Nice to meet you both. Murderer! Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! Now stay that way. It's gonna be weird to potty.

Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

Shut up! (WAILING) Stop riffing! Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! (GIGGLING) Tiny phone! Tiny everything! (BOTH GIGGLING) Peter, have you seen this tuition bill?

(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING)

They're the fellows at the freakin' FCC

He went into James Woods. Let's spread out and find him. We'll head him off at the... (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka. (MEN CHATTERING) I once knew a guy who was so Arab... How Arab was he? He was so Arab that everybody liked him,

Peter, do you know they're not teaching Sex Ed at Chris' school? Let him figure it out the way I had to, with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way, Lois. That's the natural way.

(KNOCKING) QUAGMIRE: Oh, hey, Chris. CHRIS: Meg has something she wants to tell you. MEG: Chris, please, I'm sorry. CHRIS: Say it! MEG: (CRYING) Chris is a failure. QUAGMIRE: Uh, okay. CHRIS: Now we're going to the Swansons! (MEG SOBBING) (CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING)

Dr. Hartman, please tell me, is my husband gonna be all right? Cancun, actually, thanks for asking. Just got back. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure. (GASPS) (ALL GASPING) How was Cancun?

Who the hell do you think you are?

Hey, watch where you're going!

You don't want to do that. It's dark, it's cold, and hooking up is just a crapshoot 'cause of all the big coats. (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) All right, drop the coats on three. One, two, three! Yeah! Oh...

- Hello? - Hey, Brady! What kind of suit do you want to be buried in?

Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes. I got a feeling That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night I'm afraid I have some terrible news. (GASPS) I have dinner reservations and no one to go with.

(MEN LAUGHING) Okay. Okay, guys. here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing. I find her insufferable. French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright. Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is.

This isn't over!

come back and have big hero party with many virgins.

We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one! Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals.

But don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom? (MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)

What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Look, Janet, Is there something you need to tell me? Because if I'm the only one in this thing, well, I think I deserve to know. I see. Your silence says it all.

You must have the patience of a saint.

You're half a man Remember when you twisted up your garden hose? Well, essentially that is the plan That is the plan Well, I'm starting to get the picture, but how's it done?

Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

Some say love It is a razor That leaves Your soul to bleed (ALL SINGING) - When the night - When the night

And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SINGERS: Good morning, USA!

They're T-shirts that say, "I lost my shirt in Lost Wages." (LAUGHING) I think maybe you should keep 'em. All right, I'll see you guys later.

You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.

Smoke! Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter.

(PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.

BETTY: Welcome to Peterotica on tape. I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish, by Peter Griffin. "Chapter One. "Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick. "She was totally Italian "or maybe some kind of Spanish."

But I just wanted him to like me in that moment. And that's why I said it. Why do I do that? Why am I such a people-pleaser, you know? When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude. Can I just say before...

Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.

Then Brian comes in And I change up the tempo Brian comes in and he changes the song Looking at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong Hey, Brian Why are you bringing me down, man?

Ow! Peter, You're supposed to hit Brian! Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the housE! There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator!

This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory.

I don't always come home with that "Riunite on ice, that's nice" mentality. And for that, I apologize. Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me? Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor. Goodbye, Cleveland.

Out! Everybody out! ALL: Oh! STEWIE: Oh! That's bogus. Chris, what is this? Genital Hospital. Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age. Now, if you're curious about sex, you should talk to your Sex Ed teacher. We don't have one. The principal cut Sex Ed class to save money. What? Well, that's crazy!

Are you trying to seduce me-- Mr. Tucker? I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look greaT. Uh-oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan!

STEWIE: Don't touch me.

(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you?

I am so outrageous. Give me the cash. - Cold in here? - Nope, just really small.

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim litz? It is you.

Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!

(GLASSES CLINK) So, what should we do next... (THUDS)

Jesus Christ has returned to Earth! I can't believe it! The second coming! Will you keep it down? It's not the second coming. Okay, so what are you doing here? Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so, kind of incognito, just to get away from the family. Plus the timing seemed good 'cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge.

I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until... Gosh, I... You know, I think I'd better, uh,

I'm from quahog Insurance, and I have a check for him. $5 million? Yeah. lucky fella took out a huge policy the day before the fire. Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious? No, not really. In fact, it seems to happen all the time.

Well, he could be. It all depends on what his astrological sign is. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm very intuitive with these things. Maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected. That's enough, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart...

Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

Mom, I can't find my jacket. (LAUGHING) (CRYING) Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid!

You dick! (SPLATTERING) Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no! Good Lord, what have I done? I better get the hell out of here. What the deuce? Where did this come from? Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

Ah, Hey there. Uh, Hi, Peter. Listen, Joe, about this whole mess-- Hold it, Peter! That's the car-wash thief!

Where should we sit? That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod. Whoa! Whoa! How old are you? Old enough to know you're a whore.

and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this?

More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.

Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose!

Yeah, no kidding. Oh, my God. Oh, check out this uptight Asian guy. Look at that. (SINGSONGING TO ASIAN MELODY) "I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun." (IMITATES GONG)

This set of wheels is even better than those talking cars on that commercial. Hey, how you doing there? Listen, uh, I couldn't help but notice you across the parking lot and, uh... You know, you're-- you're very attractive and, uh... You want to go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You want to just go have some dirty, stupid, insane parking-lot sex?

Show me "Picard's flute!"

Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

(GROANS) Strong women always turn out to be nightmares. Like Joan of Arc. Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn.

And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide.

Ouagmire, watch this. Hey, "kick me"!

Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.

You're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter. No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law. And there was that time I took a whiz in public. And that time I snuck into Wimbledon.

I'm not gonna... You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family. Please, Daddy. I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left. There won't be any left. There's never any left. (GASPING)

Yeah, except for having to sit next to that screaming autistic lady in the waiting room.

I found something that can.

Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! in other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought. in a recent 12-day study...

It's all my fault! (WAILING) (LAUGHING)

We'll go together on our own terms. See you on the other side. Oh, my God! Stewie, no! What the hell's wrong with you? It's that robot! He killed Queen, and now he's going to kill me! He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. Most of them are fine. Look, Stewie, I'm sorry for scaring you, all right?

My girl is not lowering herself to modeling. That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.

(INDISTINCT) (SIGHS) Look at this, Brian, somewhere in Quahog there's a kid not being picked up from baseball practice. And it's all thanks to us.

from the North. Wow! What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures? And flying machines? And perfume for your armpits? We sure do. oh! All right, class. That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oink has set the curve again.

Oh, wow! Oh! Shit! What? What? What is it? There's so much blood. Ew! It's stuck in there. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through. Get it out! (SCREAMS) Got it. How's it look?

(GRUNTING) Damn it!

Don't worry, Brian. I've got it all under control. You're a big canine star. They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie. Man, I wonder what he's doing now. (GASPING) Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra. Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back, but you're pretty much gonna have to do 100% of the work.

Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying? - That's racist, man. - Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, dog.

No! No! No! No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her! Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

you know, Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary. Oh--oh, You don't believe me? Here. Look it up! What? What's that? It really isn't? Oh, Rupert, touche! Hoisted by my own petard. I am so alone.

Look, Brian, a corporation is a lot like a centipede. It only works if all the legs are moving toward the same end. And you know what you are, Brian? - You're a busted leg. - What? Are you firing me? Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place... because security has your picture.

(SCREAMING) Wow, thanks, Spider-Man. Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter. Apparently, everybody gets one. Bingo.

Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

and follow me there because you've still got a hell of a lot to see You've got a lot to seE

He... He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. Do you remember what he looked like? Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"

You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.

It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home. See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock. Bad! We do that outside! Look at him. He knows what he did. I found my baby book! Hey, Here's the broken condom that led to my birth.

Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.

Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger,

- Are we there yet? - No!

Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now.

- (DOG BARKING) - Ugh!

hey! What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy? Pop, why you gotta be like that? We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines. That's my boy. At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.

Peter, you and I need to talk about Quagmire. He's been living with us for over a month, and I think it's enough now. Lois, I'm the whole reason he lost his job and his house. Besides, I can't throw my best friend out on the street like a prom night dumpster baby. Hey, what you doing out here? Don't you want to dance? Sure.

I say, are you blind, or just stupid? What do you mean? Perhaps you'd like to see what Lois and the fat man have been up to in your absence. Hello, M.T.V., Um, I think I would be perfect for The Real World . Uh, Because I speak my mind and not everyone likes that.

(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex?

That's not dog poop. Sorry, we've been out here a long time. LOIS: And, look, there's Rush Limbaugh coming out of Michael Moore's house at 2:00 in the morning. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself. Well, your dog was right, Lois. Looks like there's no story here. Michael Moore is clearly not gay.

Like that one we put on Hollywood Squares. I'll take the dying boy to block. Ok, Jeremy, is there anything lower than absolute zero? Uh, Yeah. My white-cell count.

My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what'd come out?

I was selfish. You weren't selfish. I realize I put a lot on you. I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this. But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time. Wow. Well, all I want is for you to be happy. You're my dad.

ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful. you know, this looks awfully familiar.

(SCREAMING) And boom goes the dynamite.

(RADIO STATIC) Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station. We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations. Whoa! Watch your driving! Is he... Is he sleeping?

Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.

Here, have some more wine. Then, there was that date I had with that stick figure. (STUTTERING) So, how would this work in bed? Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job. That... That sounds... Yes, it is very unpleasant. But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.

Jeez! I can't believe I'm your type. As you can tell from my husband, I've got a thing for saggy, shapeless men. I'm married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Will you sleep with me? Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass. But Louie Anderson's eating the soap in the bathroom. Why don't you try him? Excuse me. Aren't you Peter, the human stunt bag?

Somebody's got to die with me. Come back, Meg! Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.

Moderation, Lois.

I didn't get raped. Okay?

This isn't gonna work, you guys. Why can't you understand I'm doing what I want? Jeez, Carter, what are we doing? I mean, if Lois wants to be a model... we don't got any right to stop her. You really mean that, Peter? Of course, I do. I just want you to be happy.

Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic. Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one. Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people?

Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.

(SCREAMS) This armor's useless! Why do we even wear it?

(GIGGLING) Get out of here, Quagmire! I just put on clean pants! (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Who's texting me? (LAUGHING) Damn it! (QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING) Stop it, you guys! You're ruining all my clothes!

All right, kiss government goodbye.

(AFTERNOON DELIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

Some say love It is a river That drowns The tender reed Some say love

Wow, he really did it. I always knew Mayor West was a little crazy, but I never thought he was capable of something like this. The mayor's going to jail. That means anything goes. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I pushed a lady. God, I can already hear the jokes Jay Leno is gonna be telling about our mayor.

No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran. I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week.

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but... Just get in the bed with me and your mom. Okay, but what about training? Mmm, you smell like melted cheese. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle. (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) ...triple-dog-dare.

All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy!

Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day?

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force. What? The dark side. Turn to the... (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) To the... Long day. I will not fight you, Father. Then you will meet your destiny. Oh, my God! Are you okay?

So, really saturate the soil twice a day. That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.

(DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)

Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing? You can't go out dressed like that. Why not? I'm Bill Cosby. Okay, but, I mean... You can't go out like that.

WOMAN: Dingo and the Baby. 97.1, Quahog. MAN: Oh, baby. (MAN BURPS) (FART) What the hell are you doing? What the hell does that have to do with anything? They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up. D-i-n-g-o.

Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies.

You bet we did. Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... That Guy! Diamonds, daisies snowflakes, That Guy Chestnuts rainbows, springtime is That Guy

Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy!

LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie.

(GASPING) So, anyway, I says, "Forget the dental plan, forget sick leave. "I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here." Yeah, I know, I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So, what did they say? Get this, they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day. They said that? (SCOFFS) Yeah.

I know you just can't wait to stare at all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra-boomin', all-consumin' Poorly groomin' Down's Syndrome girl

Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know...

Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds.

What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on a multinational fast food conglomerate. Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian. Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world. How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point?

I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma. Right, no, no... Uh. I was talking about a different movie. Let's play ball! Yeah, let's play ball. PETER: Ow! The world has changed around me and I'm mad and scared!

Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit?

which she got when a man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win! Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face! In my face! In my face! Ah! No! Acid girl! It's acid girl! Ah! Ah!

Oh, my. Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. That's the stuffing, Ma. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it! Who else? (ALL LAUGHING)

(PETER GIGGLING)

(LEAVES RUSTLING) Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! I told you all this yesterday!

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy

This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor.

Carter, somehow you and me are gonna find a way to get rich. Now you're talking my language. All right, then, let's do it! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? (ALL GASP) Oh, about the... (STUTTERING) The... The pie! The pie we're all gonna make for you for being such a great guy. Oh, my God, that sounds awesome. I would kill everyone in the world and leave three survivors for a piece of pie right now. (ALL CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)

Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

I know there's been some concern about nutrition. (FARTING) We've had complaints about the soda machines, (FARTING) and I have spoken with the school board. (FARTING) Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin? No. (FARTING) No. No, I'm good.

Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie? Because, Meg, Estelle told me that someone in the family was in danger of drowning and that I should take some steps to prevent it. So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy. Hey, Meg, watch. (FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG FARTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MEG QUEEFING)

So then I'm reading the funnies, and right before I get to the last panel, Billy blurts out, he goes, "You know, those firemen showed up to get a cat out of the tree, "but it turns out it's really Marmaduke up there." It ruined the whole damn thing! Peter, in Billy's defense, the strip is called Marmaduke, and Marmaduke had not yet made an appearance.

There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?

You kids are gonna love this. England has such a rich heritage of great theater. (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum? Treaches on the upper with the trang sang. Croppers to you, you crang sang Iubber. She rogered the boogley!

You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and... It seems to work out for them. So... Hintedy-hint-hint. Boy, this is gonna be long.

but if Peter did kill Lois, we might find some clues in his garbage. Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died. Can't believe it's been 12 months since I've deliberately choked myself by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. What's wrong with you?

(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing. Signed, Peter Griffin, dictated but not read.

No, don't. Here you go. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Cut it out. Stop it. (LAUGHING) I mean it. I mean it.

Here with an update is Greg, the Weather Mime. Ok, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold, and--and there's gonna be wind, and people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops. How awful! Oh, no. I'm sorry, that's--that's rain. Yes.

(LAUGHS) I mean your daughter's in a coma. Oh, my God, did you... Did you hear what I said? Brain freeze!

What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!

Frosty, let it go! Just A second. Just a second. Hey Lady, you got something to say to me? Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!

Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard?

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you.

And I learned something today.

ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife. While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it.

(STAMMERING) Well, I have a very important mission. Uh-huh. Let me see that panel. No, no, don't touch that! Come on, let me see that! Move out of the way! Don't. No, you can't... I'm not gonna let you do this... You just touched my boob. I'm gonna tell Mom. (MACHINE ZAPPING)

A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.

Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter. Come join us. Oh, okay! (SNAPPING) All right, let's see. New novel, new novel. New novel. What's it about? What's it about? A guy...

You know, I read that they're opening a Superstore USA across town. Maybe you could get a job there. No. No, no way. You cannot work there, Meg. Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome! Swim it! Eat it! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids? Kids? It's so awesome! I want it!

Hola, Stewie. Ni hao, Stewie. Stewie. Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad!

All right, we're gonna do it once more. (ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you

Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck. You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil. You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?

I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.

PETER: I love you, Lois. LOIS: I love you, too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels.

Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line Strong as it can be

Doo-doo-doo too awfully different Doo-doo-doo to ever be pals Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Your head's as massive as a meteorite oh, Very funny.

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes. Bocce balls! I bought a tank. Are you out of your mind? Let me show you how the gun works. (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) What the hell?

Wow! Look at all this cool stuff! Man, what do you think these things do? (IN PETER'S VOICE) Guess it doesn't do anything. (IN LOIS' VOICE) Well, that seems odd. (BOTH YELLING) Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!

Hey, Peter, have you seen my... Ah! Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me. Because I will get scared.

And then our second honeymoon's back on track, huh? Peter, there's a hooker on the bed. Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement. Where did you go? (Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) (PETER EXCLAIMING)

PeteR, Can we put her out in the yard for a while? Ok, who's hungry?

So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again? That's right, sweetie. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal. MAN: Take back your fucking horse.

I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball game... Doctor's appointment. Peter is your son? That is affirmative. Because you look a lot more like that child over there. Daddy? Oh, God! Daddy? Oh, God!

My God. Chris, you're right.

Quagmire. Peter. Cleveland. Joe. Bonnie. Lois. Cleveland. Lois. Bonnie. Quagmire. Peter. ahem. Loretta.

you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going. You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family. You've lived half your life,

My daughter was just in an accident. Sweet! High-five! (GASPS) You're awful. Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again!

Look, I may as well come clean with you. Rupert wasn't kidnapped. I accidentally sold him at the yard sale. You son of a bitch! (WAILING) Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry. It was an accident.

It was a horrible thing to do, Lois. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago. And I'm very sorry for what I did. But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me like this.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Order now and receive Sounds of the 80's Studio Audience, which includes "Trouble Brewing" AUDIENCE: Ooh! MAYOR: as well as "Sweet Moment" AUDIENCE: Aw! MAYOR: and, of course, "Ethnic Kiss." (AUDIENCE CHEERING) This is an offer you don't want to miss. But don't take my word for it.

Hey, bozos, what do you think of this?

Go! Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light. You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell!

Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that!

Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma. Oh, my!

Damn it, Peter, you blew it! (WHIMPERS) I knew I couldn't depend on you! You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob! But, Carter, please! Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant. But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes. Do it!

I didn't just lose my memory. I lost my mind. Clear! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care! I don't care! I'm just overjoyed to have you back! Let's go home! (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) QUAGMIRE: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! (QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

Whoo! Ha! Ha! (RAPPING) I respect women when I'm on a date I take them to the park or maybe a museum And I only try to kiss them if they're ready Whoo-hoo! What, what, what, what I say what, what Help out your mom and dad by getting a job So you can help pay for school supplies Whoo-hoo!

Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

'cause I want to go the reptile house. Oh, And we got to see those pandas. Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison. Quagmire, what are you doin' here? Ah, It's conjugal visit day. You know, I love doing a woman in the can. Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next

Boy, that was really gay. No, no! Didn't you just hear the announcers? They said it's not gay. Stewie one, you zero.

Boy, clothes sure are a prison, aren't they?

on which we used to rely

Hey! I was playing with that! Hey, come back here! All right. You asked for it. (PUNCHES STRIKING) Holy crap! All right. Let's try that one again. (GROANING) (SOBBING IN PAIN)

Well, Meg, you got your job back. Actually, Chris, I don't. I really appreciate what you did for me, but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. The important thing is that you stood up for me, and I won't forget it. Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back. Kind of sucks though.

Hey, Quagmire. What you got there? It's the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Check it out. Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to.

(MAN BREATHING HEAVILY) I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.

You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING)

My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert. Please tell me you set the timer on the coffeemaker because I completely forgot. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) You son of a bitch! Good morning. Thought I'd help you wake up. God, why does he look sad? STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind! What else could he want?

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom. Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back. God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something. Oh, I can't get enough of it. Yeah, it's been pretty great.

I just broke out of prison. Now what? I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting. Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.

- Dog? - Chien. - Seal? - Phoque. Chris, watch your language! No, that's how you say seal in French, phoque. He's right, Lois, look. Hey, here, I'll help you remember. What's this? A lazy phoque. Good. Dumb phoque. Good. Sick phoque.

It's you and Penelope who've been doing all these horrible things! So? I've always been about world domination. What the hell did you think I was talking about when I said, "Victory shall be mine"? You have not said that in a very long time. Well, I'm back on it. Stewie, Penelope is taking you down a dark path.

Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)

You kissed me And stopped me from shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire God, he's so talented. You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them.

All right, try it again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified. Aah! I don't want to play the piano! Indeed. Would you rather play the bassoon? aah! No experience? No, thanks.

Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.

(IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...

Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food. Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.

Well, It was lunchtime and... I love the color of your Prada bag. Yeah, but yours has that great clasp. Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? Oh, You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse. Meg, let me tell you about popularity. Mrs. Canner? Are you coming?

Oh, man! I don't believe it! K.I.S.S. is here! We don't deserve to be under the same roof with them. Let's go. Well, All right. I guess I could fix us something when we-- Chaim? Lois! Do not address K.I.S.S. unless they address you first!

I'm great That's good Ha-ha Knock wood - Well, well That's life What do you know? How's the wife? Got to run Oh, my - Ta-ta - Olive oil Good-bye

This is Mrs. Garrett from The Facts Of Life.

th-th-Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings. Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.

I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)

Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris? Okay, Mom. (PLAYING) Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs!

Many of the students Tweeted about the accident as it was happening. We have a few here. From @Jenny94, "Water seriously cold, yo." Here's @TheTed69, "I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK." "JK," indeed.

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!

God, I should take her out right here with these, man. Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? (EXCLAIMING) Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? (EXCLAIMING) I'd freaking drop her ass.

Stewart, darling. Hello. What? That's how they do it in Europe. Now, get out of here! Go sit in the car and agree with yourself while you listen to NPR.

Hey, I've gotten people to believe crazier things. And if you are pure of heart and deed you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven. I'm yanking you. You just rot in the ground.

Back me up on this, you know? (YAWNS) I've got to scratch my joint. I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus. They all laughed at me. Let's see where this goes. (BOTH MOANING)

Mom, Dad, am I ugly? Of course not, sweetie. Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? Craig Hoffman. Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly. There, there, let me dry those tears.

I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. Well, Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? I'll give you a hint. I s-u-c-k-e-d! SUCKED! Sucked! Yay! Aw, I mean, sorry, honey. God, I hate high school. I don't fit in with anyone. Boy. Do I know that feeling.

It's like she's fucking five.

(LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity.

(MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing.

What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!

Hi, Glenn. Oh, my God. Cheryl, what are you doing here? Well, you know, it's been so many years, and I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd just drop by and say hi. My new boyfriend I guess knows you, and told me where you live. (CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.

Now, what was it you wanted to say? Uh, nothing. You were supposed to get potato chips, you jackass. Damn it, Helen. Get the hell off my back or so help me... So help me...

I forgot to pick up the paintball guns.

If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify publicly about these atrocities? Absolutely. But how do you intend to escape? You leave that to us. Come on. Hey! There they are! After them! (EXCLAIMING) (PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Will you just pick it up already!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter.

Try it. Yeah? How's that feel? Huh? You like that? Huh? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.

Uh, Something near a window. Preferably a booth. Ugh! Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen! Yeah, that's authentic ItalIAN.

We did it! We're back! No. This is the universe of misleading portraiture. (GROANING) Oh, wait! It's not so bad. There's the compliment guy. Hello! Oh, they got both of us!

You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills! Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?

You want a treat? You want a treat, boy? That's good! That's good! But you really have one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're going for that walk? Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'll give you a bath! - No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry. I'll let you go for a ride in the car! Oh, you better not be lying! You want to sleep in the bed with us? Yes! I never get to! It must be a special occasion. You got it! You're through! Yes. All right, what do I do? Just press the red button.

I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning it's gone. Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you. Oh, no one had a motive, Lois? You all had a motive, every one of you! You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record. And that's why you wanted the record out of the way.

I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy.

And I don't even know how to get ahold of her.

Hey! How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Oh, Screw it. I tried.

How we should "legalize pot, man." How big business is crushing the underclass. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots!

No. I don't think so. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was you. You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer.

That was Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson. One of the worst I've ever heard. Okay. Stewie, you shouldn't actually even be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face. All right. Honey, I like you,

Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted. Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC. (SHUSHING) Lois, Lois, let's watch The Brady Bunch. Look what I did, everybody. Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen?

Victory is mine! Wow. I should really watch where I'm going.

Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)

Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

Peter, I'm appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired! Oh, Geez. For how long?

You tell me. Ah! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow! Go, Dad! Kick her ass! Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!

He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now! Somebody help him! Do something! Now she's nagging everyone. Does anyone have any medical training? It looks like his jugular is severed. I learned this at the hospital. Mr. Swanson, find me a first aid kit! Mom, hand me those towels. Did I hold on to the ball?

Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right? Saving it for what? It's not important. Want a sip? You're offering me some? It's liquor, isn't it? Yeah, it's liquor. Babies aren't supposed to have liquor. This would be the most naughty thing ever. Do you want a sip or not?

Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

I like the outfit you have on. Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure? Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

Good as new. Oh, come on!

(GUNSHOT) It's just been revoked.

But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead!

But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!

Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power. (SCOFFS) You have a different view, Brian?

Negative B, plus or minus radical B squared, minus 4A-C over 2A. That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. You know what that means. A witch! Witch! witch! Witch! Witch! Oh, God! Please tell me I have a brain tumor,

After that. "I feel so foolish."

What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it.

"She Packed my bags "last night, pre-flight "zero hour "9:00 a.M. "And i'm gonna be high

Well, it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record. If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket.

All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. So let's make this easy and take a vote. How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.

Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent! Sweet. Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men.

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.

Somebody want to handle that? Does somebody... Does somebody want to deal with that? The car alarm. "What?" You're kidding. Well, viewers, to top it off, that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing. Phil, Phil, just open it... Unlock the doors. You don't have to put the key in the ignition. Well, open the driver's side first.

It appears the lump in your breast is not black gross boob death.

I got a splinter! (WAILING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it? Oh, he's just got a splinter. Oh, my poor baby! It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart. It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no... I need more lemon Pledge. Okay.

Oh, you dick, that's genius.

He lives with us back in quahog. You got a nice wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie? A little girl-girl action, maybe? Oh, Peter! Good luck, buddy. I've been barking up that tree for 17 years.

(SHOUTING) What?

Do you want to come to my Big Bang viewing party next week?

I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.

I got hit by a baseball!

Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show. Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here. So, Jesus, what've you been doing since you've been back? Oh, you know, just kind of bumming around, playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating a lot of Pinkberry. (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented. Lest you be considering any sort of uprising,

Gosh, that's awful! Ah, That's all right. I'm used to it. Well, I better go.

Mr. Griffin, my name is Todd Meyers.

Wait a minute. That's the smartest thing I've ever heard... anyone say about anything. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way. Shut up. Mom, it's not your decision. I want to be exploited. Meg, don't you talk to me like that. Look, Lois, I love Meal Ticket just as much as I love Chris and Stevie...

Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle. I'd say about two months. Okay, all right, time for the big announcement. Everyone, Ricardo and I are getting married!

Come on. I'll show you around. Hey, is there a bathroom around here? You need to go pee or poop? Poop. One poop removal. (POPPING) Wow, did I just go poop? You sure did. All digital. Where does it go? It gets beamed to another dimension.

What are you-- What are you people, stupid?

Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God!

You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. If only there was some way I could be like everybody else again.

You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you.

In fact, he'd kill me if he knew. Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "Years Traveled"? What thing? Here's where Brian goes berserk. (BRIAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms. You are all expected for dinner at 8:00. STEPHANIE: Oh, good! I'm starved! QUAGMIRE: Settle down, will ya?

(BLARES) Whoa! Whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate. What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever. Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...

Man, who invited Anne Frank?

i say! It's 4:00. Away with you! Stewie! Change it back! Forget it. Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pabulum for children with not enough to do. Hey! Shut up!

I was doing shtick, I tell you! Humina-humina-humina!

ah-ha! Meg's barrettes. You mean, Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! ugh!

HAPPY LOIS: Peter. SAD LOIS: Peter. HAPPY PETER: What? SAD PETER: What? HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash? SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen. Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to. I get tired when I stand.

out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha! ha! Ha! now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute, with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.

Hey, Chris, get in here. Yeah, Dad? We are gonna find you a hobby. - What do you think of that? - Okay. There you go, that's the spirit. Yuck.

You want me to drag my sack across your face? What? (STUTTERING) I'm sorry, it's... When one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I cheer... Listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm not very good in these types of situations.

MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire.

I, uh, I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me, while I touched myself. Oh, come on. Ah, I never did the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Oh, God, this is ridiculous. Oh, boy. He's out cold. Hey, let's write on him.

The doctors still don't know how much longer she's gonna have to be here. I feel horrible, Brian. I put Lois in the hospital, and I lost the kids.

Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.

My wife is seeing another mayor! I'm sorry, sir. Don't be. Because I'm going to win her back. I trust you'll take care of things here in my absence. Officer down!

Ahh! Oh, what a mess! Look at that! Wow! For the love of God, do something! Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy! Oh, God! Oh, God!

i'm--I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.

- Oh, Daddy. No. No. - Okay. Brian? Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. I'll do it.

You're disgusting. Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection, which is totally unexpected. And by the way, I actually think she's doing a pretty good job. She's teaching you guys independence. We're one! Independence means we die!

Deliver me from my greatest enemy. His name is Peter. More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.

we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.

"Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooo! Weird! All right, a bike! I'm out of here!

(MUMBLING) That's right, Shia. Give me all you've got.

Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture. And I like... I like King Ralph 'cause that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing. Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking. That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie.

WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

"Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. " wish I had no bones! Done. That ought to show you!

What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole.

when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend. You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.m. Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake. Hey, Quagmire, you want... (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! . I didn't see him. (SCREAMING)

Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? (GAGGING) Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family!

Well, while we're all here, we might as well grab some beers.

We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.

Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! Yes, sir!

Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away,

- What in the world was that for? - Oh, it's a guy. That's for ruining our son. He used to be a sweet boy until he heard your music. (LAUGHING) This old story. If I had a nickel. All right. Where's your son? I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth LOIS: Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet.

You, there. Would you like a piece of candy? (CHOKING) Don't push.

According to the Multiverse Guide, this is a universe where everything is depicted as a Washington Post political cartoon.

(SCREAMING) Damn it! Quilters! Advance! (ALL SHOUT) (JOE GROANING) JOE: I bet this hurts so much!

Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"? Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake.

I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us. - It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.

God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!

I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!

All right, all right, you make your point. It's getting a little offensive. That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad? Kids, why don't you go upstairs, so your father and I can talk. Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here.

Okay, thanks. Well? Well, The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes 2 weeks for delivery. You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight? You cannot tell Lois about this. Oh, And what if I do? I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress. You said there was no film in that camera!

I'm tired of being small. I wish I was big. Blast!

I'm just gonna watch British porn. You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now. Yes, yes we could. Mmm, But, let's not.

Hey, dude. You want some of these?

(WOMEN CHUCKLING) (I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING)

Fine! Refuse my offer. Get booted out of this place and wind up like Linda Evans.

What? What? What are you looking at?

Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine. Are you sure, honey? For God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without T.V.? Give me a break. Mike, What's happening now? Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass? I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!

Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts!

When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

Yes. And you'll never catch me! aah!

Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad to you, young lady. Oh, God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father. All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests,

Yeah? Well, what did you want? Uh... You called me, right? Oh, no, No. I wasn't calling you. Oh, oh, th-This is funny to you? Y-Yeah? Y-You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day, huh?

(Announcer) And now back to Two and a Half Men. Kill me!

There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit!

Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me.... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel? Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed. That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office.

Read it, Peter. "Guess what? Chicken butt." That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke! (SCREAMS) Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

and now he made this. (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmas time.

There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator!

Somebody turn the machine off. Nikki, Nikki, that's good. That's good. Go wait in my car. All right, you did good. Going to take her to Walt's Roast Beef. All right, kids, we got 200,000 lottery tickets we got to check. All right, how do you want to do this? A static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over-explains what we're doing?

Oh, my God! I can smell him from here. He's perfect. God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!

Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah

Ooh! What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And I... Oh, Wait a minute. Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again.

Oh, That was lame.

Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where...

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself? And now to test my teleportation pods.

Can I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? (LAUGHING) Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father. Say, can you do me a favor? You see that fire extinguisher there? Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough! That's enough, Dad!

No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values

It's ok, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in Heartbreakers. You be on your best behavior. Here you go, sweetheart. Open up. No! There you go. Isn't this romantic?

PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz. MAN: Sorry.

I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, my God! I know that sound! It means there's a potential intruder at the front door or one of my pals! Either way, I'm really excited and ready for anything! Hello! Hello. My name is Blake Carrington.

You know, I wasn't going to say this, but Mother hates you! (AS STEWIE) That's not true! You take that back! (AS KARINA) It is true! She hates you! She told me! It was the Christmas we all went to Edaville Railroad, and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" and he left that very night,

I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort. He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left his little handiwork in the sink. You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him!

You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and... It seems to work out for them. So... Hintedy-hint-hint.

(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!

You want to tell me about this? See? I told you. It was Meg. I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks! Come on, they're not all bad. Yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize. How are you enjoying your meal?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Great Moments in Women's Stand-Up Comedy.

Just when they're babies.

Stop--Stop it. Stop tickling me. Stop it! I--I'll kill you. I swear to God.

Well, that might do it. Death! Oh, thank God, you're here! Listen, you've got to send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois. Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.

(PTERODACTYL SCREECHING) (CRACKLING) Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies. (ALL SCREECHING)

And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home

Stewie. Hello, Janet. How about a push? ahh! Yes. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm... Oh, How do I describe it? You make me feel so young

It's almost midnight. We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.

Hoisted by my own petard. I am so alone. Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. A cat? A stereo? A pool? Oh! Oh--oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool.

Yeah, I know, but I asked someone to do me a favor, and they're not too keen on doing it.

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day.

And look, somebody mowed the lawn. I was supposed to do that. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) I have done your chores to rob you of the joy of doing chores. You bastard.

Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards! I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee!

(SNIFFS) Fark, no way.

Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. I can see this is gonna be very intense.

Hey, New Brian. Bad news. You gotta leave. Huh? What are you talking about? This is my home. Nobody likes you here, man. Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me. No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den. Well, Rupert seems to like my humping.

Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear? Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold. The pond froze over a family of raccoons. All right, well, merry Christmas. Are you there, dear? Dad, can we hear more of that story about the baby Jesus?

Right, turn it that way from your end. Okay. No, no, no. Just put it down, just drop it. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right, all right. All right, let's... Just hang on and figure this out. Han, there are Stormtroopers all over the place. Shouldn't we be getting out of here? All right, okay, all right, I got it, I know...

That's what she said. Whoa! You got Butt-slammed! (ZANY CLANGING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, I could really use a hand here. That's what he said. Butt slam! (MONKEY CHATTERING) That's Manic Monkey on 97.1. WOMAN: Manic Monkey, 97.1.

Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give

Hi, Stewie. Hi, um, Ah...

"Cookie." Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. You don't care about me! It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies!

Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef.

I'm sorry, Stewie. Me, too.

Uh... Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark. You wanna do something sometime?

He's a family guy

It's the end of the world as we know it (SCREAMING) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me!

- I stay and watch? - No!

(MUFFLED) Okay. Now, what else you got there? You got a stapler? Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, why don't you go ahead and stick that in your mouth, too. (GAGS) - How about a mouse pad? Uh-huh. Yeah, go ahead and roll that up and stuff it in there. Did you get a packet from HR when you started working there?

WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you.

Young man, where did you get this toad? I-i-it's not mine! Believe me, Chris. You don't want to mess with drugs. I tried 'em once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. Holy crap! I am freaking out!

MADAME CLAUDE: With Griffin Peterson exiled to the New World and Lady Redbush believing he was dead, King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand.

Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Mine is "loismustdie," all one word, "@yahoo.com."

Actually, Chris, I don't. I really appreciate what you did for me, but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. The important thing is that you stood up for me, and I won't forget it. Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back. Kind of sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again.

aah! Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Oh, we are fucked.

Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

Norm. Norm. And Peter. Yeah. - How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson? - Griffin. I can't find the on-ramp, Woody. He was talking to me, Norm. Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk. That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long. Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV. What the hell am I gonna do all day?

I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido. What can I say? I'm a Vagitarius. Oh! (LAUGHING) ALL: Giggity Giggity Giggity. Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?

All right. Saltshaker up the nose. I got pepper. Ha! Ha! Yes, I win! That was fun, Dad! I'm the man! YEah! YE-- Ahh! Um, Lois? Um, g-Go get the medical dictionary and--and look up "fork" and "lung."

We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

Damn it! Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Hey, sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir! Oh, screw you!

It's a normal part of a baby's life. Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting. But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

The Lord is my savior.

And then I'm gonna gag her with her own underwear. (LAUGHING) What? No, no, nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to humiliate her. Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated. Maybe you'll handcuff her? She'll hate that. Then I shall do that as well. And call her a bitch. Until I'm hoarse with rage. Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself?

Hey, Peter, are you seeing this rabbit? No. Well, I sure am. You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair. Oh, aren't I? (BOTH SCREAMING) Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.

Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake?

Maybe you got a Saturday night free.... You know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, maybe we could.... Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you. Hey, how are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it. Maybe the two of us could.... You know what? I don't care. You're a bitch.

Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. Oh, is it going to hurt? Just a little. Ow.

(SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) I don't know what you want! I don't know how to help!

All the greatest... All the greatest moments of my life, I spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word. Bart jumping that canyon. Mr. Plow. All the greatest moments of my life. Why is Label Guy trying to punch me?

I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened? Ah, you know me, Lois, I don't pry. Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang! (PETER LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.

And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag. Okay, well, now you're just being an asshole. Well, you might as well get used to it. You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded. Oh, just calling it like I see it. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing? All right, well, I'll play that game with you. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?

Hey, you take bankcards?

and this whole thing is going to be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it.

Meg, if you don't want to baby-sit anymore. that's fine. But don't you stand there and lie to me. Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass.

Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old kid driving. They're just fun toys.

Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking.

Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.

I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo." Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing.

Like when? Jersey Boys, Morton's Steakhouse, Foxwoods... Foxwoods and Jersey Boys was the same trip! (SIGHS) You know what? Fine. I'll put it on my card, but I'm just gonna say it's a gift because that's the only way I can do this anymore.

$1 million? $1 million. No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless.

Excuse me. I've gotta go mix the punch.

But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt. Hey, Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, huh? No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like... Oh, You guys are asseS!

You're wrong, Meg. I wanna show you something. Teen People? It's the article I wrote about you. You wrote an article about me? They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl. Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"?

How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store. I remember you face.

Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.

What's that? Oh, oh, yes, Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in 3 weeks.

Actually, I can't read his handwriting here. What happened? One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry, and then he shoot himself in the face. Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and hotels up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer!

Yup. What is this? (MUSIC TINKLING)

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen? We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke. Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH) I remember that. I heard it from that guy.

Oh, God. Stop. Stop. Stop. I'm sorry I even said it. I'm so... It was a mistake. It was a mistake. I'm sorry I said it. Peter, why don't you and I grab some air, huh? Daddy, you're making a fool out of yourself. Why are you acting like this? Look, I've been trying to get into Reginald Barrington's inner circle for years.

Hey, go on. Get out. " didn't hurt anybody. Scat, Mister. I know deep down I'm your friend. That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already. Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer? 'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model.

Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so. Because Mr. Happy gets tired. Religion! (SIGHS) Uh... Politics. Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil." "But this is our oil." "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile." "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics!

"You must go to him. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, "truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right?

uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! No! Whoa!

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old and what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue

Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album. Don't you think that's a little extreme? Two tracks! It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig. - Three tracks! - Come on! - We can go all day with this! - Yeah, but... That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track!

Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings Uh, Feelings

When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over. That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over"? Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. Oh, I see the wire. You see the wire what? Over. Over.

Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!

And then, I just felt like something was wrong.

Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painleSS. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.

You're gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. (ALL CLAMORING)

Hmm. If I'm going to reach the testicles, and destroy the sperm before coitus, i must buy some time. Computer, location? 15 millimeters northeast of the duodenum. Very well. Fire phasers! Oh, Jeez, my duodenum's actin' uP! Entering testicular perimeter.

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man, Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal. (ALL TAUNTING) Open that one up, buddy. All right, at ease, at ease.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie!

(Lois) Peter! Lois!

Brian and I were just at The Clam. Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time. And where would I fit in with the fun time? Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you ...? Look, James, you're acting kind of weird. I'll act however I want to act, you son ofa bitch!

(WHISPERING) Almost there. It's a boy. - (BABY CRYING) - (BOTH SHUSHING) Hey, what the hell's goin' on? I told you to rough up that dog and baby.

(BOTH GASPING) (BEEPING) Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android!

Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it!

Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! Fine! Ugh! There we are. So, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?

Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.

Hey, hey, Lois!

Yeah. See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Look, Look, Joe, I, Joe-- You've been eating me! Ok, you know what. Let's just agree to disagree. Hey, guys. There's an island. (Peter) Oh, thank goodness.

(GIDDY GIGGLING) (GASPS)

Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken all my business. Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds. Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (LAUGHING)

Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis."

All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

(GRUNTS) You go on and beat it, little neck! I'm a changed woman! I don't mess with your kind anymore! You're a meanie! (CRYING)

Who's got beer? Mmm, mmm...

Hold on to the night Hold on to the... Man, I gotta tell you, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg. Some of these chicks are unbelievable. Brian, can I ask you something?

Oh, my God! I'm in love.

Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.

Peter, that... That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to live in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them little fish that eat cows? Just... Just leave me alone, please. (SIGHS)

Lois, this is a huge mistake. What are you talking about, Peter? You're supposed to be married to me. We're the ones who were meant to be together, not you and Quagmire. (CHUCKLING) It's a little late for that, don't you think, Peter? I mean, there was a time back when we dated that I thought you might be the one,

Now, That's it. You're history, pal.

WhaT? Wh-what thE? Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here, little fella. Come get the food. I have always wanted to do this. Oh, Here are the marsupials. Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you?

Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone. Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh! This guy is gonna be huge.

Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt... (SHOUTING) Patrick, let him go! Don't come any closer! Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it. Nice try. But Marian's over there.

Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again? I'm busy. I set up a video camera last night, so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real. And I want to see what I got.

Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.

Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. it doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green. Oh, Peter. I wonder what happened to Cindi. Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear