Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy
PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.
Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out. - Hello, Peter. - Argh! (STUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you doing out here in all this snow? Just taking my rabbit to the vet.
Meg, stop your whining! Chris, stay on your own side! Lois, For god's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting! If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize.
That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls.
Can me and Meg stay up late every night when you're at K.I.S.S.-Stock? You can do whatever you want, son. Just don't eat from the candy tree. He's right to caution you. I feed on children. You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you BriaN?
My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once." My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" We didn't measure! We dIdN't measure!
Ding! Thank you for playing That's Obvious! Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO.
Lois, can I go Slip 'n Slide in the yard? Has it been half an hour since you've eaten? Yes. Almost. Okay, I just want to be sure you don't get a cramp. Yay! Poor people water fun! Hey, Chris. Uh, can I ask you a question?
I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering, so I killed her. And I hid her in Tom's room. I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed.
Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N. All right. 90210.
magazine
Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) (SCREAMING) (RETCHING) (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.
The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton.
All aboard for the Grand Canyon. (YAWNING) I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car. (GROANS) 6:00 a.m. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio.
"Well, from while I was smoking pot. "Anybody else who likes pot, reach for my joint." CARTER: "Oh, there it is! Give us some of that!" (PETER LAUGHING) PETER: "Perhaps later. "Now, let's go to France and steal all their objects de art." CARTER: (EXCLAIMS) "All right! Let's go to France." Not bad, eh?
Good evening, Death Star. Tonight a special report on the controversial attack on Alderaan. While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.
(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to. Do you remember who it was?
Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations. (ALL GROAN) Make it blue. That's always been the deal! You show whatever you want, but you make it blue! Come on. You got to help us out.
You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad, who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family.
Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club. You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. I got A carton of cigarettes. old man grabbed me, said, "Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're grrreat!" Bastard.
(I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING) Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
Good. Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.
Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade oh, You're one to talk. You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad oh, One time. I've a style flair Just look at my hip hair oh, Yeah. Th-That's quite a nice do there. Oh, Thanks. For me to poop on! What?
Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!
And from the looks of it, she likes it rough. That's my sister, Brian. Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly. The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified. Oh, God, I'm really sorry. I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too?
Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in. (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOCALIZING IN TUNE)
Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy. I'm gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some more exercise.
Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler! A-a-Actually, the name's Griffin.
(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I...
You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!
I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already... but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois-- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any--
I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard. Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house. You're ignorant.
HOMER: Hey, what's going on here? (HOMER SHOUTS) Get off my wife! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, oh, my God! (GUN FIRING) MARGE: You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! (GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons?
Diane, I'd say it was perfect if you Weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage.
Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep.
f agree. Shallow and pedantic. I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic. Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps.
Back then, we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Except we had this funny little nickname for her. We called her Mrs. "Killson" 'cause she had an abortion. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but we were, you know, we were just a bunch of kids. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mrs... Wilson. Thank you, Peter.
(LAUGHS) They're watching Operation Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.
You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right. My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don't work out. I'm going home. Where's Brian? Listen, I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL. Can you help me out?
Go on.
like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.
Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-- You're a big girl now. Stop it! H-h-Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. Peter, are you crazy? What did you say? Oh, About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? Hey--ugh! What the hell are you doing? Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running?
All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now. That's it? Fish food? That's your ace in the hole? Oh, God! Oh! Oh!
(WAILS) Crying baby. I'll take him out. You know, Lois, if we leave now,
I'm pregnant. From my finger? No, you don't understand. God has blessed me with his child. You banged Kevin God from South Nazareth? No, no, Joseph, I mean God. I'm carrying God's baby. He... He sent down an angel.
No, you listen, Brian! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you. What? When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding that she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up, I'll let you take that one for me, Brian.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. And, uh, neither will that guy.
I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts. Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Friday on Saturday night Damn. Play me off, Johnny. (PLAYING RAPIDLY) You're probably wondering why he's in hell. Johnny liked little boys.
Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.
On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy
(SNIFFING) Wait a minute, I know where we are. The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!
Rock lobster
Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta.
No parking at the mall. It's a terrible place. What else? Um, how about the zoo? Too much walking. Too much noise. You can't have any good conversation. Not like at Chili's. Where else? Well, there's always the beach. No, you got to sit on the ground to eat. I need a cushioned chair with back support, like at Chili's. Okay, well, how about Chili's? Maybe, maybe. Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.
(CHUCKLES) Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit?
I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody. I mean, I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you. You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you. You're my brother and you'll always be my brother. I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? Yeah. I'm afraid so.
Okay! See you guys later. I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge. I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus? Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this. What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Yes? (SPEAKING FRENCH)
That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show. Does anybody want to buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese! So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie. All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody.
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day. Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder. No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!
Uh, I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker. Hey-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah, ho-yah hey-yah, hey I'm so happy doing the neutron dance hey-yah, hey-yah, hey I'm just burning doing the neutron dance And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee.
No, Mister Jabba no home. Oh. - Can we leave it with someone, because... - No, no.
Who? Top men.
(CHUCKLING) Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the laziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range. I mean, yeah, you can wish it, and you can do it, but only if you have the educational advantages,
I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place.
On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
everything's gonna be ok.
Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're like a black woman in hindsight. I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.
MAN ON TV: And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation,
A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word, a-well-a...
JOHN BUNNELL: This Rebel lawbreaker thinks he can outrun the Empire. The pursuing officers realize he's entered a residential area. They give him a wide berth, but they don't let him out of their sight. Astonishingly, the driver makes a left, right into an asteroid field.
God, Seamus. I've never seen you this naked. (EXCLAIMS) It's good to let the old midsection breathe. What... How the hell are you alive?
Francis, we were watching that.
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!
Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star!
Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here!
I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. LOis! Lois! W-w-Wait, I'm not done. Peter! Peter! Pe-- Come on! Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, You guys shut up!
Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner. - (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?
He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders. I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.
That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference. Mayor West!
Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner. Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon.
(MACHINE BEEPS) (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello, Alan Rickman. It's Alan Rickman reminding you to move the pork chops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they defrost properly. Do not disappoint me.
And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption. (PRISONERS CLAMORING)
Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. CLOCK: Allahu Akbar! Hey, Peter. What's up? Hey, Quagmire. Listen, I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio.
I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. Ah! Ow! Ohh! This sucks. Lois, this pasta, better than Italy.
Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush.
The president's dog just had puppies!
Excuse me, could I get directions to the Providence Civic Center? (EXCLAIMING) - Do you like cake? - Yes. Do you like my ass? Yes. Do you want to eat cake off my ass? What kind of cake? Angel food cake.
All right, you've got two strikes, Callaghans. Name something you'd like to receive as a gift. Candy? Show me "candy!" (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wait. We're out? You said if I slept with you... All right, Griffins, here's your chance to win the game. Name something you'd like to receive as a gift.
Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts. When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so. Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up, and eventually it all works out.
37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Peter, What did you promise me last night? I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong. (IMITATING) "What you did the other day was wrong." You're not making this easy, Kyle. "You're not making this easy, Kyle. "My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose.
(BIRD TWITTERING) Yeah, with a capital "C."
(LAUGHING) I know, huh? Classic. (CLICKS) I got to forward this to my bud. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring. Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom.
Gee, This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with Karl Malden. What are you getting all bent out of shape about? Well, you know, Karl, i--I didn't get... I got virtually nothin' here, you know? Look, I don't see what the problem is. No, you wouldn't, would you? L-Look, all I'm saying is, I got the raw end of the deal. You invited me over. Yeah, well, now I'm regretting it.
Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Okay, Brian, next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice. Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back. I missed you.
heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along? Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism. What? What?
ICARS PLAYING ON STEREO) Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car... (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, you're a poor sport.
A dry sponge is a happy sponge.
Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit! Hmm. Look, This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the '90s. Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter 'A.'" It used to bay That you loved may But now it's nineteen-ninetay
It's, "What color is this?" QUAGMIRE: Well, what color is it? That's what I'm asking you. QUAGMIRE: I don't understand, Peter. You're there. Look, maybe you don't understand. This is like the trivia thing before the movie where they got, like, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that.
We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it. To the Hinden-Peter! (JOE) Oh, my God! (PETER) Joe, I am so sorry. How can you afford these things?
Well, you're gonna have to help him find one, because I've had enough of him living in this house. You're overreacting, Lois, and you can't spell "overreacting" without "ovary." Because you're a girl. I'm not overreacting. Hey, just an FYI. Really, no reason to go into any greater detail than this. Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again.
Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists?
My Pet Goat, page one. "'You know,' said my pet goat, "'I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, "'but I just don't have the time.'"
Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet? I fixed it already. No You didn't. It's still dripping. No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man. Oh, my God!
(INAUDIBLE)
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.
(GASPS) Holy crap! Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny!
I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes. Running, throwing, lifting big things. Teslik. That's all right with me, man.
Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone. MAN: (ON PHONE) Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Last Mimzy.
Neil, I'm sorry! Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes! Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, Good stuff! Neil! Meg, you do care! Don't read too much into this, Neil. Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.
Look, I know you're depressed. Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way. Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs. Well, let's see if it worked. Here we go. Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck. Okay, Stewie, time for bed.
(WOMAN SINGING) But little Olivia's career may be over just as it begins with today's announcement that Tasty Juice will be dropping her as their spokesperson and replacing her with a new ad campaign featuring rock and roll legend Chuck Berry. Open your mouth, baby, here it comes.
Wow, then I must be invisible! Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
All right, everybody, shut the hell up!
"If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension "populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything. From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?
Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"? I'd say 5'10". Okay, we'll go 5'9" and a half. And now, how old was he? Late 30s, maybe 37. I don't know, anywhere between 35 and 40. Okay, well, let's say 37. How about ethnicity? Yeah, he was Asian-American. Asian-American. Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai? Are we talking Vietnamese? Maybe Korean.
That's why I keep it by the phone. I think what this is, is simple exploitation of the American people who could be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful, like legitimate healthcare that they actually need.
Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are.
JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all, (SCREAMING) oh, my God! I'm on my way!
Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.
So I seized the moment. I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line. I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted. At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian,
(READING) If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. It's quite bland, I assure you. And Scream in a Box. (MAN SCREAMING) I needed that today.
Great! Who's my partner?
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word
Sorry. I'm done. You want your kid to sit on my lap, meet me at the bar at Applebee's. That sucks. Sorry, Stewie. That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow.
This is even better than that time I met Timer the Cheese Guy. lhanlrer for a hunk of A slab or slice or chunk of f hanlrer for a hunk of cheese When your get-up-and-go has got up and went Howdy, pardner. Pardon me, sir. I live next door. It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired.
Welcome home, asshole!
(RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING) You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent! What you want? Yeah. I'm here to pick up my cleaning. Cool, look at that! This seems like it'd be a great place to work. But I... I didn't go to college. That $20.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
Oh, my God. Chris, what happened? Kyle beat me up. You let that little punk beat you up? Peter, you should be more sympathetic. Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age. Yeah, you're right. Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book report is on the giving tree. Nerd!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick? Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it.
So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son? Hey, Brian, look at that! Y'all Interested?
The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. Uh, ear--EarthquakE. Ah, Truck going by.
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.
You sure this is gonna work, Peter? All I know is there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV. And we're gonna get our share. (HUMMING) I don't wanna wait
The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12-year-old Chinese prostitute. Wow, that's great. You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend Mickey Rooney. Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney. And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane.
and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.
And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!
All right, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there is something else down there in the bottom of the sea. Something that you will be able to relate to. There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
GIRL: Daddy, I want a drink of water. Shit. Hey, there. How you doing? Who are you? I'm Santa. You're Santa? Do you have my new cell phone? Well, I'm not sure it was on my list. Do you have her cell phone, other Santa?
My house is made of mediocrity. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, guys. I want you to know I'm raising my reward to $50 for anyone who can help me find James. No questions asked. I killed your cat.
Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!
You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah. I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual.
Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags. They deserve to get hurt. You don't decide that. What you did is against the law. It's easy for you, Joe.
(SIGHING) Are you out of your fucking mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox.
Take on me take me on
We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street.
Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man
Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? They live in a crummy neighborhood. The Bradys? Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.
Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening. Well, I don't see a way around it, do you? I would shoot myself first. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?
We're pretty good at this. We're like six for eight. Is there anything we can do? Well, fortunately, the ship runs on autopilot. We just need some time to figure out your coordinates and calculate the reentry plan. So just try to stay calm and we'll figure this all out. By the way, you're all quite famous now. You're on every news channel. Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams.
Peter, did you get the train tickets? Actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those. Peter, that was the last of our cash! These ones have helium in them, so they're very light.
Peter, are you peeing in that skull? No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ass.
We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!
We're an unusual family.
Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom! Well, I say! Someone must've said a funny,
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.
ahh! No! Don't!
but I was kind of hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down. I'm a father! You're a two-wheeled monster! (CRYING) That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me. (JOE CRYING) (LAUGHING)
"I want to dress up like a clown "and have sex with children and kill them, pilgrims." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke. And... Okay, this is not something that should ever have been attempted.
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Got to make you understand
Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel? He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side! Are you crazy, Joe? That fall will kill you. Not if I land on my legs.
Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.
(ECHOING) Relax. I be a doctor.
Hector, how long have we known each other? - Since first grade. - Yeah, yeah. You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"? " think so. Well, burn for it!
Featuring such standards as... Everybody, look at the snow in the yard And who could forget... I bought these gifts for you They're up in my bum And everyone's favorite...
I'll teach him to mess with my wife. Oh, Hi, Cleveland. Will, uh, you be joining us for dinner? Ok, then. He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland.
The dog just told me to shut up. I demand to know what you plan to do about this. Hey! Hey! the dog just told me-- Be quiet, Stewie. Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg!
You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. Uh, okay. Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. Kermit the Frog? (GASPS) Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here! (EXCLAIMING) What's his appeal?
Ha! Slut! How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh. Hello, Lois. I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me!
and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters. Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.
Oh, God.
What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.
Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help. Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move. Thunder thighs are loose."
And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.
PETER: And now I play the waiting game.
But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.
Thanks, Tom. Pornography. The very word conjures up images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine. Whoa, ho, ho! Sweet Mary!
10, 9, 8...
Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)
This food is so fucking good, Lois. Oh, okay. Wow!
Come on, Quagmire. It's got to be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down. (SCREAMING) Why do you bring me here?
Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.
I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
Come on, Brenda, a stupid nursery rhyme isn't going to wake him up, especially the way you sing. (LAUGHING) Right, man? Gyaa. Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation Your friends want to go fishing with you This song is from childhood? Live to see tomorrow
Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic. What is this, you're gonna talk down to everyone... just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps. Okay, you know what? Fine, you are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur genius grant?
All right, men, your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the tooth fairy. SpongeBob, you watch the east. Starscream, you take the west. And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol since you have many faces.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit-- I get the message, Peter.
Do you want your birthday present? I think I know what it is. (LAUGHS) It's a cashmere sweater. Oh, wow! That's actually really nice. And now it's poo! (SHRIEKS)
Oh, my God! Stephen King! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, this would make a neat story. Done.
Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)
Nick Jonas is so cute.
Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. Ho, Ho! See you at the game, Joe. ho, Ho!
I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that. I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again.
Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him! Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?
Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, There's something magical about brown. Brown's the color of poo! Yes. Yes, it is.
How are we gonna find them? Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. President, are you up there? Go away! Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans. I'm reading Superfudge. You got to come down and deal with this. Don't make me do stuff.
Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview. So, Peter, Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Don't say, "doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "doing your wife." Doing your... son?
Hey, I was gonna pick at that. Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are. Or when we are. That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say.
It's blue. (FILM REEL ROLLING) Good. It's starting. Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. (THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie.
Right on! Let's do it!
You want to help? Grab a ladle!
Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.
Hey, Lois...
Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum?
Whoa! Whoa!
Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. - Who's your favorite musician, Ollie? - Cher! He doesn't even like Cher. Now, alcohol makes a big man small - And can lead to a life of crime Yeah!
You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second, these are criticisms. Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off. Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?
I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.
you stupid "laugh and cry, laugh and cry." What's the difference?
You're right, Brian. You're right. I'm sorry, Meg. But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out.
No! Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. I--i'm Sorry. What were you sayiN'?
And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. (PLAYING) Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! (PLAYS OFF-KEY) That'll be $60.
But I'm a modern vampire duck who hangs around with Anna Paquin and drives around in a black Mercedes.
Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!
Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?
Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie. Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie.
You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?
(ALL GASPING) Lois. You're alive. Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to.
You son of a bitch!
(GUN FIRES) (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, the President's been shot. If you ask me, the President's the lucky one. How's that? He doesn't have to sit through the rest of the show. (GUN FIRES)
(EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS)
No kiddin'. Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law. And there was that time I took a whiz in public. And that time I snuck into Wimbledon.
Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)
Very well, then. You leave me no choice but to declare war! So be it. I'll do to you what B.C. does to comedy on a daily basis. CAVEMAN 1: Hey, why is Juan so happy? CAVEMAN 2: I think he finally figured himself out. CAVEMAN 1: Huh, I guess it takes Juan to know Juan. (LAUGHING)
Chris, that's a terrible word! Nipple.
I love you. I mean, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love, but I mean I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without. Well, I... I love you, too, Stewie.
So, Ida, you miss your penis? Peter!
Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there!
Ooh, a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts? This is a good day. It worked. I don't believe it. It worked.
Victory is ours. Quick! Grab the guns! They're our only hope! Ahh! Hey Bob, y-you remember the other day, you were asking me what the definition of irony was, and I said-- Ahh!
As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. - Yeah. - They've never done that.
There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage
Take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone
We need more Lemon Pledge. You need more Lemon Pledge?
- (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING) (GROANING) Another reason BOTH: For makin' whoopee (BB GUN FIRES) Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? PETER: Oh, no, Joe. I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye.
Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
That son of a bitch.
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela."
What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale. Please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.
I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.
Dude, that is an amazing story. Hey, what if there were Korean pilots? Yeah. I'm not really looking for notes, but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. Don't. Just don't.
Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost. No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Kate. You don't get it. We are the island. Hand me that paper bag.
Who is that angel? That's Susie Swanson. You don't say. What, like, you think you have a shot with her? Are you kidding? We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes. My problem with liberals, Alan, is that liberals hate America.
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,
You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify Oh, yeah I want to testify. I want to testify. Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.
That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no. I took this one out for you. You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping. I was just going to buy some groceries. Bullshit.
Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind the curtain of the V.I.P. room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone.
Peter, the Country Club Dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished. You're right, Brian. We've got to stop them. And I think I know how. (HUMMING TO THE MUSIC)
I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day.
All right, Chris, Meg loves to listen to music when she sleeps. Let's see how she likes this. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works.
What the... Peter, you're not supposed to be in the audience. Get the hell up onstage. All right. Hey there, sir. Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you? Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. "Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You like that? Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt at the first Thanksgiving.
This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!
Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year. I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.
Fuck you guys! (LAUGHING)
Uh, Ok. Uh, Nice take, Jenna.
Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da!
Boy, am I going to enjoy this meal. Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?
But, Lois, Meg sucks! Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. Plus, I went to her first grade play that one time. Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle.
or one of those terms like "donkey punch"? No. Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so. Well, whatever it is, I like it. Green light.
(PANTING) Hey, don't worry. I'm here. Robin? They sent you? Yeah. Everyone else was busy, so they sent me. What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers. Uh, I got a cell phone. Oh, no bars.
The fryolator. I am so taking this. Lois, you look worse than that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.
Thank goodness I've got you Who's got a guy to tell her jokes? You do! Who's got a girl to show the folks? You do!
Oh--oh, p-play-- Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.
Little story brewing there? Working on? Working on that for quite some time, huh? Talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative. Beginning, middle, and end. Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer for the experience? Yeah?
and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?
All right, Quagmire, clear your mind... Ooh. Soft hands. Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic. All right! No, no, not all right!
COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats! As the Count a vampire? What's that? He's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in... ...and then feeding on him? You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street... ...in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
My job sucks.
That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. (MUTTERS) (SOBBING)
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.
What's going on, B minus?
Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control.
Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife.
Hey, That's against the law! You're coming with me! uh-uH-uh. Can't Touch mE. Can't touch me
your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this. Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
(SIGHS) Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama?
Hey. Sorry I'm late. Brian! What are you doing here? I'm in your class. What? No way! I don't want you in here! Too bad. Here's my class receipt. Now teach me how to find love. All right. Fine. But you lick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't look, don't look! I spilled something.
MADDEN: Boom! There's your groom over here. Boom! You got your bride right here. A lot of people say that Stacy's no good, and that she's slept with this guy, and done that guy and even did some hand work on this guy, but I'll tell you something, that experience is gonna work in her favor late in the game. You know who had a heck of a wedding? Brett Favre.
Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean. Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how! I'm sorry. Can I help you?
TERRORIST: We missed!
And I've already had 4 eggnogs. So I guess you're it. Ha! That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit, ha, ha. Ugh! I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassaiL!
Give me a "D!" "D!" ALL right, That's enough of that. Now, There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to-- Ahh! Ah! You idiots! I had them.
(YODELING) Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... Don't listen to that fat tourist. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! (LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.
uh, ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! No! Whoa!
Hey, everybody, I'm invisible! HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! This is Meg, your daughter. D'oh! No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase. Oh. Sorry, I just don't remember anything. Dad, this is your baby and your dog. He doesn't remember us.
Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. (WHISPERING) Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet.
I gave you $300! Why do you think Dad's here? Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.
Not another welfare scam? No. Minority scholarship. No. Are you insane? Ok, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit. NO. I Don't think so. Absolutely outrageous.
Trust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in. You're all stupid. See, They're gonna be looking for Army guyS.
This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! Let's teach each other! Yay, learning! Chris, A. Meg, F.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem, performed this afternoon by Peter Griffin and his dirt bike. (ENGINE REVS TO THE TUNE OF THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER)
Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG! What's wrong, honey? I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm trying to make love to you, and you're thinking about Chris.
This is my family. My wife, Lois.
Burn in hell! Hell. Hell has fire.
(PIANO PLAYING) Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state
Just don't fucking say anything, okay?
you know, in a couple of years, something's going to come along called Sesame Street. And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind. The hell with it. The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this. There's my little Lois.
I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.
Googity. Googity. Glop. Hello, lads. Oh, hello, Seamus.
Hey, Joe. Don't say it, Peter. I was just wondering... Peter, I swear to God. What's your handicap? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!
You've got a lot to see
We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium. 10, 9, 8... This is it!
I mean, he's got, like, one good song. Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible. Yeah, the opening's okay. And I guess you can't hate Copacabana. Yeah, if you're in the right mood. Daybreak is a good song. Oh, yeah. That's a good song. And I like Weekend in New England. Yeah, that's a good one. Looks Like We Made It. Yeah, it's not bad. Right?
She'll be coming round the mountain
Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?
Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes. And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!
Whoa, easy, Pontiff. Because I'll excommunicate your sorry-- Ok, time out. Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint. Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me. Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart. You do?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
Yay! I'm part of things, too. Yay! (ALL CHEERING) The end. (ALL CHEERING) Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? a pedophile! I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!
Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad. Stand back. Give her some air. You mean, "Give him some air." Call an ambulance. She's going into labor. You mean, "He's going into labor." Whoops.
How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.
I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz We don't know what Christmas is!
Oh, definitely got some weather Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first And then we go back to my house You sound like an unbelievable douche.
(THEME PLAYING) All right. Let's see what you got, Fox. I bet that's a sea monster... That's not the movie. (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) That's... Yeah, I think I heard of them. Here we go. Movie! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.
These kinds of guys don't change. You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.
How about some whipped cream? Ohh! That's always good. And some cinnamon. Ohh! Oh, That's good, too! And then, guess what? I'm going to add... Aw, Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. We're going to add...
The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. Yeah, and as they say... What? I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be ok.
Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. No, wait, Lois, shut the fuck up. So, she puts the liverwurst in her vagina,
(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) (STUTTERING) As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.
Just like I got used to my acrylic nails. (PHONE RINGING) Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman. Hey, Laronda. No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.
God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Yeah, or a T. rex trying to masturbate. All right, Internet porn, check. Tissues, check. Lotion, check. Okay, let's go. Aw! (GROWLS) (ROARING)
Timmy, where's Lassie? She's out in the orchard, Ma. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. Smoke! You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." Smoke! What's that, Lassie? Are you smoking yet? Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's ok.
It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. Do you collect objets d'art? If that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses, then si.
- What? - Just tell me, right now, that I don't have to stay in this room. You don't have to stay in this room. Oh, thank Christ!
MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog.
Hey, How about some T.V.? This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? You are...going on... Fellows will fall in line Should we just ask her how old she is?
and that, sir, is an idiot.
"And my grandma. Boy! Was she something else! "'Hey, Marky, don't forget to take your cod liver oil.'" Ahem. Great Job. god, What a piece of self-indulgent crap! All the characters sounded exactly the same. Great show, Mark. Yeah, You really captured me perfectly. Me, too, Marky. You are so talented. That was awful.
God, you're more out of place than Prince was on The Price Is Right. And what's your bid on the dining room set, Prince? (SOFTLY) $350. I'm sorry? (SOFTLY) $350. Can you speak up, please? (SOFTLY) $350. All right. And the actual retail price of the dining room set is $350. (SOFTLY) Yay.
NEW BRIAN: Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape. Okay, now there's the midget just sitting there. Now watch the left side of the screen. BILL COSBY: I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you! LOIS: Oh, my God! Well, he's obviously drunk. MAN: You're hurting me! BILL COSBY: About which I do not care very much.
Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company. Hey, you guys!
ANNOUNCER: Valerie Bertinelli in... (ANNOUNCER READING) Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
That's when Columbus set sail on his voyage to the New World. We're on a ship! That's right, This is the Santa Maria. One of 3 ships he took to find a route to India. Any sign of IndiA yet? Nothing yet, Captain. India? I thought he was going to America. On the contrary. Columbus discovered America entirely by mistake.
She told me she loved me on what used to be a hit TV show. I can't believe I got sucked into that phony reality world... just like everyone else. I became the very thing I was mocking. I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the novel you've been working on.
Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly
Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will. You got a deal. DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.
After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.
Me! Me!
Santa's got his work cut out for him. We ain't even gotten started yet. I want to tour the Spanish coast Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost Is all I really want for Christmas this year! Wait. What?
Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Hot diggity, dog ziggity Boom, what you do to me It's so new to me, what you do to me Hot diggity, dog ziggity Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now, huh?
A big ol' Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ol', fat-ass baby loves to eat
I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant. What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi. I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door. (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (IN ASIAN ACCENT) Here comes a black guy! Peter, you're not getting money for that or anything else. We're running seriously low on cash right now.
MAN: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson, and for some reason, Steve Buscemi. Man, look at that Steve Buscemi. Every one of his teeth is in business for itself. You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one. That's right, Scarlett, but this year... Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell?
So, uh, any possibility of tonight being the night we finally push the beds together. Good night, Brian. Come on. Jeez, enough with that already. You're like a dog with a bone. Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement. Doin' what? (Brian) What do you think?
The question is, who? Well, I know one person who could have. My partner, Tom. All right, it's true. James Woods ruined my career! I originally wanted to be an actor. And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street. But James Woods said, "No, don't bother. "Something else will come along." So I turned it down.
Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse!
O is for the only one I see V is very, very extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can
Is he smart, or is he like me?
STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it?
Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice! ROck thE boat!
Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke. I don't know. I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. I'll tell the joke.
Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! A flautist, Peter! Well, I hope you're happy. Come on, kids. We can still make the party if wE--
ANNOUNCER: Jeff Bridges and Laura Linney in Danger In Cincinnati. We've got 24 hours before those terrorists set off that new type of bomb that makes an invisible explosion. What are we gonna do? Let's get back to headquarters. Should we take the helicopter? No, let's... Let's walk, it's a nice day.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris!
We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf. B-by--By the 3rd season, I was completely wasted all the time. I--i--I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But, uh, would I do it all again? We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
Look what the Lynches gave us. A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger. You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard. There is only another fist. That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris? You know, this place may be the upside to everything that's happened.
Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now. Wait a minute, Peter. If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods.
Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup. So, how's the flying business? Not so great. The economy's sort of taking its toll. Lot of salary cuts. A lot of layoffs. Yeah? That's pretty much it. I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet. I don't know. Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got... How do those things work?
I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, and you were so excited about it that your tail is still wagging. Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.
My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors." (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) She's so cute. I love children. (SLAPPING) Look at my kids. So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance. (LAUGHING)
Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know. Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.
Without me, my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair, I am useless! (PHONE RINGS) - Shut up! Okay.
Mmm, Something smells good. Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. Nothing says "I love you" like something from-- Hey, What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? Mmm. These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite. Oh, Really? I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns. Good morning, Brian.
(YELPING) And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it. You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.
That's right,
(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good. (MOANING) Can I help you folks find something?
Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! It is a fucking plane!
And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?
Diane? Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon. Oh, my God!
So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?
I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
I just wanna talk to him. Why do you have a shotgun? I just wanna talk to him. Dad, this is ridiculous! I just wanna talk to him. Put that gun away! I just wanna talk to him. Wait, what are you doing? It is not his fault. It was an accident! I just wanna shoot him. You can't shoot him! I just wanna talk to him.
Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating. We all know what we're talking about. (TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING)
Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! You're dead! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)
Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.
We were just calling to... Are you there, dear? I hope you got our card. We had quite a cold snap here. Okay, nobody talk, we'll just wait for her to talk. Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear? Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold.
(IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off!
ANNOUNCER: Each shoe sold separate.
Damn it, Jerry, why are we the only ones still here? I don't know. We hated all the right things. Now there's nothing left to hate. I'm gonna hate that rock. No, I'm gonna hate that rock. Let's both hate that rock. I hate you. I hate you, too. Look, Stewie.
I don't want to! (GRUMBLING)
"they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet." (GROANS) That one didn't work.
Yes, there is. You can live your life, Loretta. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can. I love you.
Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu. (GROANING) Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals. (LAUGHING) Hello.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute.
(ALL GASP) Oh, my God. It's enormous.
Nah, nah Family guy
Well, that'll do it for us here. Thanks for watching Channel Five, the most trusted name in news. (SPUTTERS) Oh, crap. (SPUTTERS) Oh, come on. (SPUTTERS) Ugh, let's go, Tom. (SPUTTERS) (GRUNTS) Work, damn it. What the hell? What's going on with the news?
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman.
Mambo!
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.
Here's a song by a gay guy.
And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage. - Hey, Carol. - Oh. Hey. Just want to let you know, Augie's all grown up now, out of the house. So... You know... Anyway, I'm around. This is really insensitive of you, Lois.
(MUMBLING) Jeopardy!
Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! That was an owl? Yes. And now we're going to look at it again. (GROANING) Look, look! Do you like it? Yes! What do you like about it, specifically? I don't know. Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out!
Hell, Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's WitnesseS.
I'm going to play this really loud tonight to get back at our Armenian neighbors. (MUSIC PLAYING) Hey. Hey, looks like a fun party. Um, hey, listen, it's 2:00 in the morning. Uh, when is your five-year-old going to go to sleep? Soon. Very soon. You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves?
Hey, Lois, take a look. I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer." "No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."
Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.
Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
I'll deal with them myself.
He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared.
We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
MAN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: 97.1. In the afternoon. In the afternoon. - Oh, my God. - WQHG. Turn it on and rip the knob off.
Oh, hell no! Meg! Oh, my God. Kent, I just texted you that the plan was off.
Hey, Peter, does your tail itch?
All right! Oh, no!
Just remember In the winter Far beneath The bitter snows Lies the seed
We'll show them somehow, Lois. I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews. I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways.
I'm gonna put a stop to this! (CLICKING) (CLICKING) (SCREAMING) Well, that was unfortunate.
Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch! So, did you loose? You got to tell me all about it. Hey, how was your bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo like you said but with a big rack. Come on in and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose.
That is enough. You, you struck me. Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?
Welcome back, FARGAS.
Get out. Get out of this house. Isaid now!
I am so sorry. I am done with you. Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! Brian, please. You're fired!
No, that house is no good, Michael Cera lives there. He's just handing out low energy one-liners. Nice costume. (MUMBLING) I haven't put mine on. Not really. This is my costume.
How could we have misjudged him so severely? Oftentimes, it's the ones who seem the happiest. Well, the upside is, at least we have our old Brian back. From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about. Hey, everybody, I'm Bernie the hamster.
I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him. But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints. I couldn't just leave it there. So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife. But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting. She started to become hysterical.
I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world. Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done. Okay.
Meg, who let you back in the house?
Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.
At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire.
Tell him what he's won, Cletus. (HICK ACCENT) Money! Ho-ho! Money. Or as the Republicans call it, mine! (LAUGHS) I hope this is covered by your HMO. I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama.
Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's it for the list. Not quite, Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts.
Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors. (TALKING GIBBERISH) Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look. (TALKING GIBBERISH) And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.
Lois, I can't believe you're doing this. If you work for Fox News, you're gonna be selling your soul. Oh, Brian, come on. They're a major news network. I would think you'd be excited for me. Are you kidding? They're a lie factory.
Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.
(SOFTLY) Throw it away in the outside garbage.
(HOARSELY) Let them know. Let them know.
LOIS: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace, "You got some burgers I can steal, huh?" Lois, the Hamburglar steals burgers, Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's retarded friend. Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace. You... Peter, what the hell is this? My chastity belt.
Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, You're So Vain. Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about? No. That will always be a secret between me and him. You're so vain You probably think this song is about you
Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own. Peter, I hate to say this but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you. All he cares about is work. Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together. We can start our own father-son business.
I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Shut up, Kyle. "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts." Kyle, I said shut up. You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)
Wow, 18-year-old Lois.
Wait--wait--Wait! Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!
the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her?
Peter, we've had complaints from all over town. You're gonna have to stop with the kicking. Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that. (SCREAMING) Ghost.
uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes.
now, Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. uh, Where does it say that? In my noodle. Ok, places. And... action!
Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving? I don't know. It's always the same thing. Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box,
So, this chick goes on a date with this guy that she wants to fuck, but she's worried 'cause she's got, like, a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.
Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher.
And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
(PLAYING PEOPLE'S COURT THEME) Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good.
This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome! That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian. We fix it up and sell it for a huge profit.
Hey, you. Hit me.
Hey, what's that on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo? - No, it's just a patch. - I like it. - Thank you. - I lied. It's lame. I won't miss you. Han, wait. I thought you said you were gonna stay. Sorry, I can't. But I'll give you my email address. It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com. Comp... Yes, CompuServe.
A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home. No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world.
and stick pine cones in my ass.
- Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. Honey, be careful. This Pelican's Reef sounds dangerous. That's why I built you a widow's walk, Lois.
Hey, Man, I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna--you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my ass and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my ass. Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too. There is no way any of that is happening.
All right, son. I'm gonna need those 2 hams back. Wh-- I--I don't have any hams. Lift up your shirt, son. I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Huh. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. Thanks!
Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say "We'll open just for Chris" They shine like sunny weather
You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.
- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Lois, what the hell?
Go, Dallas Cowboys, huh? Hello. Excuse me? You are American, no? I very much admire your Garry Shandling.
QUAGMIRE: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I just have to concentrate on driving. Ahh. ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh, oh, Come on! That one's not even real!
and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.
Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?
Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes? Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter. And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown!
That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets!
this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster!
(CELL PHONE RINGING) STEWIE: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right? Look, Stewie, I can't talk about this now, all right? Jeez, what's your problem? I just... I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it.
(CHRIS GRUNTING) (YELLING) Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack! We're not supposed to leave the table.
I don't believe it. It worked. Brian, there you are. Where have you been? Meg, where's Stewie? Stewie? Who's Stewie? Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin. (GRUNTS) You know what? I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way.
Good-bye, kids.
Shut up, British Meg.
Welcome back to Channel 5 News at 10:00. For those of you wondering what I've been writing down as we go to commercial, it's a cat. Just a cat. In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the quahog Museum of Art.
Look, I'm sorry, I can't have you in here punching the meat. I mean, there's really not too many things you can't do in here, but that is one of them. What about Paulie? He's having sex with the meat. Hey, Rock, I'm porking it. (CHUCKLES) That's a good one.
Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter. (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) Are you a pedophile?
what might not be okay with it. That's true. And, Meg, you yourself said, "Lip gloss, unicorns, "Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit." You were listening the whole time?
Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived. Do I have time? You know what? I'm going to go for it. (DOORBELL RINGS) Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that. Hey, guys! How are you?
I disagree!
What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm just kidding. It's only your wrist. What? You suck.
I want to be the baby! Look at that head. Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here. Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff,
Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind.
Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom?
family guy
ANNOUNCER: Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the 20th annual Newport Rega tta. Newport would like to extend a special welcome... to all those here today who ha ve children stationed overseas in fra I I'm just kidding.
What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!
A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes. How could this day get any worse?
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad. So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a lot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined.
This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better.
A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those. Then let's just-- We'll take the box. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.
I may have made out with Meg. Okay, I had that coming. What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock.
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! That was what they call sex? Yes, it was, Peter. Can we do it again? Can we?
Me and Jesus Come and hug and squeeze us 'Cause you know That he's a simply Christ-terrific dude His eyes are bluish
You know, the novel you've been working on. You know, the one you've been working on for three years. You know, the novel. You got something new to write about now, you know. Maybe a main character gets into a relationship... then suffers a little heartbreak.
After MySpace but before Twitter. There was a time before Twitter? Look who's here! Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble.
DANIEL STERN: Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved... I don't need you anymore! DANIEL: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.
Peter, You are welcome to stay with us as long as you like. Aw, Thanks, Muriel. So, uh, What do you guys do for fun around here? We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California, to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.
Love lift us up where we belong where the eagles fly on A mountain high love lift us up where we belong
That was fun. I like Gavin. (COUNTRY SONG PLAYING ON RADIO) Yay! This is such a great song. - Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over.
Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident. You've got to censor television, you fools! Now follow my orders.
Sheesh, Lois. Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers!
Yeah, go. S-Say it. - Should i? - Yeah. I--i can't. J--Just say it. Ok. Uh, How far can you get this banana down-- I can't say it. She's looking right at me. Peter, what the hell is this about?
So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel, your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
(ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11. (ALL CHEERING) Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? 9... ALL: Huh? ...11.
Look, Bill, can I just... Outside. No, no, no, outside! Outside now! (BARKING) Outside! You get outside!
Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this. You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean?
(CONTINUES CRYING) I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. She is messed up, man. Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone.
I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway. Man! This is even better than... No, wait. No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know. Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.
I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that marathon. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it? I'll tell you, Bob. I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.
I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this. Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. Check it again!
My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving. What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules!
Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow. You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency. That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a, a belt. It's not that big a deal. A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all.
What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed
Well, we--we call you "normies." Ok, 'bye.
Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets. All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him. Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh.
Yeah, we found this note he left you. "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. "I realized that you are too good for me, "and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. "Love, Jeff. "P.S. If the cops ask, "tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. "If you tell anyone otherwise,
Cookie. Oh, Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. Oh-- Oops! A little bit broke off there. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yes. Yes. Yes, you'll-- you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. Oh, god!
Oh. Good morning. Oh. Hey, Lois. Who's... Who's your friend? Rita, this is Lois. Lois, Rita. So great to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie.
(COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)
And there's the Vietnam War Memorial. Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to those Vietnam vets. Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Aw! What happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy! I kill him! He cry like a bitch! Vietnam, undefeated!
Hey, where are you going? I'm going to the Elton John party. What the hell? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball. And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out. You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett. It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
Wait a minute. You're wearing ruby lipstick.
Hey, you guys.
Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama?
What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Remember your trip to the Southwest? Beep beep! Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich? - No. - Are you sure? He's fine. Keep going. Don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road.
Okay, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together. Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team.
He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!
Oh, great. This is going to be worse than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin. (FARTING) Hi, Stewie. (FARTING) Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there.
None of them be missed
She's gone! We lost her. Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe. All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois. Chris, you check the basement with Herbert.
Hey, there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? STEWIE: Stay away from my brother's butt.
Hi, Craig. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to.... I don't know, go out sometime. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own... which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own.
(CRACKS)
He's a family guy
Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park! But let's see who's really under there. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) A skeleton! Can I have my face back? No! You're going to jail.
(SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves. Well, so what? That's not your problem. Do you think it's possible that... That this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?
Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
"Sleep tight, truck. "Sleep tight, firefly. "Sleep tight, chair. "Sleep tight, bird." You see that, Peter? You see the bird? Bird. Okay, we'll pick up the rest tomorrow.
I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk! (HUMMING STAR WARS THEME)
I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.
Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it! - Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life!
I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for 2 weeks. I have not, Lois.
like the whole Irish nation When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule
What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room. Questions? Hey, Meg. Take that! (FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it. JOCK 1: Yeah! JOCK 2: Awesome! JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go! JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!
Alaska? But that's so far away! And what about the high percentage of Eskimo child molesters? Give me a kiss. I don't want to! Give me a kiss, or I'll hurt your parents! (CRYING) Yeah. Yeah. Mean it!
Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams. Oh! Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire! What am I, in Congress? See? Laughter is the best medicine. Please, sir, I'm in so much pain. Shut up and listen to my material!
His boy Elroy
I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like Boys like Boys like me All right, up next is Lois Griffin.
All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished. Let me see. Ah. Excellent. Much better than the one Gary Larson did. Why would I even be talking to a chicken?
(Quagmire) Oh, God! I'm screwed. This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation. My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus. And I am sorry.
You probably bought me another 3 minutes! Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy! Oh, oh, The funniest thing happened at work today. So There was this-- Hi, EvERybody. Hey! I had the worst day. First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual.
Space weather. Thanks, Ollie.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie? Stewie killed Lois! Then what? Peter got blamed! Then what? Peter went to court! Then what? Lois came back! How? Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two.
(THUMPING) BRIAN: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, let me go! (SPRAYING NOISE) No! No! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, you look so cute. What is that, spray paint? Yeah. Those little punks want a war. And now they've got one.
That teacher sounds really irresponsible. She is. Adults are stupid. The world would be so much better if it were run by babies. TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)
I wish I could just close my eyes and make all this go away. Peter, look out! Holy crap! Oh, my God! Mr. Tucker, are you all right? Do I look like I'm all right? My back is broken and my leg is twisted! Oh, my God! Your hooker's dead. Well, she was already dead, but that doesn't excuse....
The day I'm corrected by a....
- Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City. - What? Yeah, those jokers just called and said I had to go on a last-minute business trip. What jokers? What are you talking about? - The guys down at Corporate Briefcase. - Oh. Okay. I see.
The guy who watched The Simpsons Back in 1994 And won't admit the damn thing Isn't funny anymore And anyone and everyone Who's ever made me pissed!
Jeez. CatDog. What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands, that's what... That's what happens. All right, look, let's get some music going on in here. Where's the Lullaby Channel? (RADIO CLICKS ON) (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time.
I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins.
Everything all right. Peter? Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.
Shut up, Meg.
Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society. They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take him away.
Which actually brings me to my next point: uh, Your wife's cheating on you. What? Yeah, uh, i-it's actually a pretty funny story, uh, true story. Uh, Brian and I walked into your house and, uh, she was with some guy going, bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done.
Okay, here comes the baby. Bloody hell! It's a boy. (ALL CHEER) Oh, thank God. He's so beautiful. Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him?
(WHINES) Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan. Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish. It's already come true. Here's your present. No, Jake! Not like this! (PETER SCREAMS)
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry!
you're dead!
Now we can live with you again even though you're a dangerous retard. Don't say "retard," Chris. We prefer to be called "little people." Because there's nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned that we are superior people. Above all you dumb brainy smarties. Someday, you will beg us for mercy and we will consider it.
I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!
We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium. Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party! I am so psyched! Yeah, There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Da-da-da-da-da, hey! Da-da-da-da-da, hey!
That with the sun's love In the spring Becomes the rose
I'm looking for Brian Griffin. Gore Vidal?
and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right.
Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter? I mean, does anyone really care? Yeah, you're right. The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week. So, yeah, who gives a damn? Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie? Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris? No? All right, see you, folks.
Okay, it's not my shirt. You break in my house, I can kill you legally. Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt. Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me
GIRL: That one felt like my dad. WOMAN: Incest in the morning. MAN: Suppressed memories.
Dear diary. Jackpot!
Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!
Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING)
(FARTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEWIE: Hey! It's me! Can I come in? Shit. Hey, I just wanted to let you... (SNIFFING) Oh, boy. What's that? I was just ironing my robe, taking a look around. What's up? Well I just wanted to let you know there's a rebel fleet massing at Sullust,
(SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without A Paddle. Fuck you, Dad!
and that's what you come up with? That's messed up, Meg. I was just trying to be funny. That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Yeah, that's your father. Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! (CHUCKLES)
WhoA, Ass ahoy.
He's a family guy
Lois. Oh, you're asleep. Kids, anybody awake? Just me? Well, I'm the only one awake. Just me, Peter. I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. (IN SOUTHERN VOICE) "Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle-rustler. I rustle cattle."
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages and screw around and whatnot.
What the hell... Who was there for you? Honey, I'm home. Peter, you're alive. Brian. This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.
Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.
- Check this out. - Come on! Tell me that's not epic.
Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody. Giggity Goo Ga!
I swallowed this People magazine in 1989. All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee. It's so nice to have you home, dear. I can take it or leave it.
You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, I felt something.
"'You should make the time,' said the farmer."
Aw, Don't cry, sweetheart. I'll--I'll make it up to you. You remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well, I bought him. And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise! Oh, Oh, God. That's right. Ponies... Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.
Then, I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.
Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas. Oh, lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
Everyone, I have some bad news. Superstore USA has their own brewery on site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price, so management has decided to close down. You mean I'm out of a job again? I'm sorry, Peter. Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house. Okay, find the Easter egg.
Peter, where'd you get that cow? Oh, that's a silly question, Lois. I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. (MOOING) Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff. (CHRIS SCREAMING)
Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it?
Road House. Road House. Oh, my God! Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going. Probably a little blame on our side, too. PETER: Road House? Well, I guess we're just lucky nobody got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I agree.
All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is bullshit, all right?
(PANTING) (CLATTERING)
I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society!
PLAYER 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end? All right, I'll go crouch behind the... Is this a crouch button? (GROANS) Who dropped a grenade? PLAYER 3: Idiot! PLAYER 4: Learn how to play! PLAYER 5: Moron! PLAYER 6: You suck!
Hey, guys? Give her a fucking chance, all right?
Yes, they are! Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome! Lois, I'm gonna win that thing. Peter, why would you want a used dirt bike when you already have a car? Because this is 1978, Lois, and dirt bikes have never been hotter. Besides, I get one of those things, it's gonna be a buffet of beave.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
And Bush's bombing countries 'Cause I like it
(THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!
(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's up, party people?
Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris. (LAUGHS) Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time. - Bang! Bang! - Hey, me, too! Bang! No one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg. Why don't you just go finger-bang yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.
Will Lois Griffin please come to the courtesy booth? We have a little gift for you. (SNICKERING) I'm Lois... Oh, for God's sakes, Peter. Yay, Lois!
Oh, dear. Peter! How old are you? How old are you? Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? (SOBBING) You people are awful!
Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, You might want to give that a minute or 2. I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell! But I do it every day. Sometimes twice. Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again!
Nice going, Schweinhund! The fourth Stooge. That's right. There were supposed to be four Stooges! It was gonna be hilarious! And Osama Bin Laden's America-loving older brother. I would have talked him out of it! Wow. Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts!
I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.
Brian, if you don't come back downstairs, I am eating the slice of pie that was designated for you... Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit?
You know, I have got to get myself back out there. I haven't worked ever since I said a swear word on the air. Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Suck my cock, motherfucker!
Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch?
All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth, or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper.
PETER: Road House. Road House. Road House. Road House. (PETER STUTTERING) Road House. Road House.
Geez, look at those two. They're goin' at each other like an Italian guy and a black woman. Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? NARRATOR: Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy, the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings.
Face it, Brian, she is dumber than a Boston-area book report. The novel I chose to address is Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. Queer name, right? The book was actually not bad.
We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get bEAT. All Right, Mike, The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!
Wound up living in there for nine years. Oh, my God! You've missed so much. Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers. (EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC) You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.
Hey, go wait in the AT-AT. Now listen, since your mom's out of town and I have you for the weekend, I thought it would be fun if the Emperor and I turned you over to the dark side of the Force. Daddy, if I may, I'd like to throw out another option. I sense the good in you. Hang out with me on the lighter side of the Force.
Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof. Yeah. But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway. Man! This is even better than... No, wait. No, this is worse than... Better... I don't know.
Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again? No! I spy something beige. Wood. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!
Good evening. Tonight's top story, quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
(SOBBING) Get off me, you skank. I can't believe you left Dad. I have needs that he didn't satisfy. And I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market.
Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.
is That Guy He's mine alone but luckily for you if you find a guy to love oh! only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too That Guy!
(ENGINE STALLING) (MOCKINGLY) Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Crap. No light speed? No light speed.
Look, Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, And I'm not the only person who thinks so, That doesn't mean I want you to go and kill yourself. Ah, Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!
'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree?
- It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.
This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
Hi, Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.
All right, players. The answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela." Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.
No, no! You're missing the point! We've got to change our way of thinking. Animals are miracles of nature just like humans, but our society hasn't figured that out! Did you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs? What? Oh, no! Are they good? Yeah, I wonder what they taste like.
It's obeying all the rules! No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!
Yes. Peter, we hear you're a Negro now.
Fuck.
You're the killer! Very clever, Lois. You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer. God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.
You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it. (LAUGHS) If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! (LAUGHS) Oh. (SCOFFS) Oh, this is amusing to you. Well, see if you find this funny. I like where this is going.
If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill!
Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that. I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
as usual.
Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on. Pretend I'm your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.
Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck!
Where are you from? Tokyo. oh, Tokyo! Yeah, it's a great town. Lot of people, though. Yup. You-You're here on business? I bet its business 'cause I had a fare earlier today that... This used to be a people business, but now, I don't know.
Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own. Peter, I hate to say this but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you.
B-But that's the good news. We're back together. She's right here. Hi, Bernie. Glad to be back. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties." What were you thinking? I was just trying to-- I'm not speaking to you. But, Stewie, I-- Shut up!
(ALL SHOUTING) (SCREAMS) Mayor West? Quiet, young man. Can't you see we're having a poker game? Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some? I might have a slice. Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark.
Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are. You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault. What? Mom, you're an amazing mother, and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.
Lady's old. Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter. Look, this isn't right, you know? I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude. What would your grandchildren think?
(PETER FARTING) (SUCKS AIR BACK) What was that? What was what? Nothing. I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't. Uh... They're really pissed at me, aren't they? Oh, look who's starting to get it. Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them. They know you have no interest in getting to know them.
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those. Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green? I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that? Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion.
Brian, could we really? Well, you, uh, You do know somebody in the business. Yes, I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television. Great. Yes. When I make my appearance I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day. Yeah, well, good luck with that. "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.
And look, there's Winston Churchill! Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit. Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see. Yeah, well, you're a cunt.
Now, Go to your room!
And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. (SLURRING) Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir?
Hey, Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle? You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois. Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses.
Wow! So How do you do it? Oh, You're very nice to ask. Well, First I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it. So I jerk them around a little. They fight for a while. And--And then they just lay back and accept it. How about we get together later? Um, Ok. What the hell? Oh, Damn it!
I had almost gathered enough evidence to put Briggs away for good, but I knew a taped confession would make the case a slam dunk. This is gonna take us to the next level. We're gonna be banging so many hot chicks with jeans up to their navels.
(GUN FIRES) BART: Ay Caramba! Mum and Dad are dead! (GUN FIRES) LISA: Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? (GUN FIRES) (MAGGIE SUCKING) (GUN FIRES)
Ben. Ben. Leia. Leia. Tom Selleck.
You're a monster.
STEWIE: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right, you can do this, Stewie. Here we go. Ahhh! (THUD) Are you okay? STEWIE: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. You might wanna move. That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide. (STEWIE GRUNTS) (FARTS) STEWIE: (GROANING) Pavel!
D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!
$2,000.
- Any room for one more? - Hell, yeah!
Yes, it has two settings, Barry White and Bill Cosby. (MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing. Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma, Peter stepped in and took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries. (BILL COSBY SCATTING) Ghost Dad!
Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero. Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins. No, no, no, no, no. You boom! Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom. Then I come back, be hero, virgins. Okay, yeah, see you in a few minutes, big hero.
We can get out of any mess If we learn to live with less And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear
Uh, No, uh, this is it. Uh, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Is it on the machine? I erased it.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.
Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're like a black woman in hindsight. I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you. Mmm-hmm. And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.
Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places.
Another little voice in the backseat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. We had the abortion.
And there's only one solution. You have to go out there and do my job. You have to be Death!
But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning. Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here. Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favor. I look on you with favor. I look on all of you with favor. Shut up, British Meg. (EXAGGERATED TEXAN ACCENT) Look at Lydia.
Six. Five. Four. Three.
"Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... Ji--jibe--jimen-- Jimenez. I know what it is. Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house. Aw, This is better than Cops.
MAN ON RADIO: Unit 17, this is base. Please report. 10-four, everything is Charlie 40 60. What does that mean? I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far. (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) What the hell was that? Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!
Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap!
I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing
Our top story, beloved entertainer Bob Hope briefly came back to life today only to die in a tragic motorcycle accident. Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans. (CHUCKLES)
(ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.
Just like Geri fought comedy on The Facts of Life. Hey, Blair did you find a purse at the mall? Actually, I found seven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) One for every day of the week. (AUDIENCE SIGHING)
the sun has gone to bed and so must I so long farewell
But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for, what happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know. Damn it!
It's gonna rain!
JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf. What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! JEFF: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man. QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah! JEFF: Shut up, bitch!
I was in Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to Books on Tape. The Red Sox were in town. But I didn't care because it was Tuesday, and I was on my way to see Maury. He couldn't go to the bathroom by himself anymore. But his indomitable spirit...
Hey, Meg, I got you something for our three-week anniversary. Wow, a Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, I remember how you told me you liked terrible music,
- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone!
Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Dear diary. Jackpot!
(FARTS) All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie. I'll call you when I get up there. Okay. - STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over. - What? Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over. What? Over.
Now, what does that mean, Wish It. Want It. Do It? Well, it basically just refers to the steps necessary for identifying and achieving your dreams and doing so in as effective and expeditious a manner as possible. Wow. And it's nonfiction, right? Yes, it is. Now, which one is that? I always forget.
But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."
Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)
Well, this looks like home. Is there any way we can be sure? Hmm. Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper? (FARTING) (PETER LAUGHING) BOTH: Yeah, we're home!
And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. I hurt myself changing this tire!
Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there,
You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap.
Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Lois. Thank God, it was just a dream. Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways. Your number one, dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.
All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. And everybody learns a valuable lesson.
I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.
my matricidal efforts are futile.
You make your doo-doos, Joe? Shut up. You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today. I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. Uh-oh. What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky!
Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again?
My God, you know what this means?
Oh, my God, it's beautiful. My TV isn't here. Let's go home. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage. And could you get one for the ghost? Boo, eh?
Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations.
seeing that handicapped Cher impersonator. If I could turn back time If I could find a way Yeah! We all want to turn back time! This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!
Awful lot of honkies in here.
Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face? Of course, Diana. Oh, God. Oh, God. What is this? What is all this? Am I touching the outside of a house? Oh, God! You're a monster.
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that.
Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie
Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got... Oh, my God. (SCREAMING)
Well, the fat man made a funny.
- Uh, Anybody horny? - No. No. No.
Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up. Oh, there you are, you honky son of a bitch, come back here.
"And all--" Why don't you sing itsy Bitsy Spider? How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! Oh! Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!"
Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect. CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.
Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water. After this.
Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?
I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a bro-ster. Hey, Peter, you want to see my peginas? Uh... (STAMMERING) I don't know.
STEWIE: Cheeky Bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard.
Pleasuring a man with a socked foot, one time, does not make a person gay.
Looks like we got a joker here. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, no shit! You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker.
It's Indian. And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper? I don't know, Peter. That doesn't sound very sexy. What are you talking about? Bombay is sperm city. Slumdog Millionaire? More like Scumdog Put-it-there.
Look at that one! Look at that one there! Look at that other one! (SCREAMING) We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Right, and shoot Pat Tillman.
Tonight's top story, local record-shop employee, Jesus Christ, was found in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment this morning, face down and unconscious. Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars."
I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, When a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate. What the hell does "rant" mean?
Meg, you have 2 parents who love you and... What does that say under me? Oh, go...yourself, Diane! She said a swear!
Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.
I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate. WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.
Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe.
(MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere? Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell?
Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.
You gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.
Thanks. (GRUNTS) I guess it's not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it. That's Houdini. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance. Do the dance! (SIGHS) (PEANUTS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche. What's that, now? Yeah, I don't like him, either. Yeah, me neither. Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it.
They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill 'Cause it's die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas All along it was the geto, nothing but the geto Takin' short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low And never let go 'Cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless
Two D's and an F.
and it's a great way to stay in shape. Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog Stadium for their own protection. Why do I have to stay here? We just think you'll be safer. But my house is dry. Here's a blanket. If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you.
Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on. PETER: Coming!
a man has to be aroused enough to ejaculate.
(CLEARS THROAT) People of France, a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie, and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome. (SIREN WAILING)
No. Do you want me to dig around and see if... No, fuck it. It's fine.
Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Damn it, Meg!
Anything for my family. (INDISTINCT TALKING) I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.
Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. (GASPS) It is you! Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight,
Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey. Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.
even more than Julia Roberts loves herself. Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started. You're not gonna get dinner started. She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it. And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto. Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
Joe? It's Peter. Two things.
All right, that's it!
Lois, you called the cops? Patrick, you're my brother and I love you, but you're not well. But I'm better now. I've put my past behind me. Save it, Patrick. We know you escaped from the asylum and killed Bill. We'll just call him "Bill" for now. Escaped? I didn't escape. Just this morning, a very nice gentleman opened my cell door and said I was free to go.
Then that time you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room. Ok, move the towel. Move the towel. Oh--oh--Oh! They spotted me. Peter, I think this'll be good for you.
At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian, and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged. That's how this weekend came to pass. Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless.
Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico? Look, Janine, I just... This is... I can't with you anymore. It's all the time. This is a job. Please take off that silly hat. (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now.
Wow, you're a big bird! And I'm grouchy, so get out of my way! You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature, or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt! Is there a problem here? Yeah, you need us to use our fists? Look at Julie, Brian. She's absolutely beautiful.
- Oh, that was great. - Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus.
And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ahh! Gotcha. Oh, You are gettin' heavy.
Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!
Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express!
God, look at that, they already got al-Qaedas all over them. Get out of here. Scat! Man, they're gonna be so good at swinging bar-to-bar when they invade. Wow, Quagmire, how did you build that part so fast?
PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock! Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah, baby! You make me so horny!
He is gonna die, Chris, and there is no God. Meg, stop being truthful with your brother.
Says he has no idea where people are getting Christ. Quagmire, you got to help us. We pissed off a bunch of ghosts, and now our house is gone and we got no place to stay. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time. WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version?
Yeah! Water slide! Summer fun! It was the greatest day of my life, and I owe it all to alcohol. Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me. We drove a car down a waterslide. Listen to me.
Oh, Brian, there you are. Look, I've been thinking about your situation with women, and I believe I've come up with a way to get to the source of the problem. Follow me. What's going on? Oh, my God. Stewie, what the hell? These are all my ex-girlfriends!
I brought him. Lois, you didn't tell me you were bringing Evan here. We bonded over the Red Sox one time, and now he's got to bring it up every time I see him. How about those Red Sox, Peter? Yeah, how about 'em, Evan? They exist.
Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman? You wanna see a picture? Look at this. This is an actual picture from the book. (MIMICKING) "Hey. "Nice to see you Garfield. "What's the matter? "You a little agitated? "Out to commit murder?"
What kind? Turkey.
What? You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.
Why am I standing under an air vent? Um... Because... Because that's where... "Because that's where..." - I... - "I..." - Because... - "Because..." - Well... - "Well..." - I can... - "I can..." - You... - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be ready in five minutes.
Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition! (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, what's the big idea?
They're doing it again. What the hell? (STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss. I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy. And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways.
Nope. Nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Uh, is--Is that a beer hall? Oh, yes. Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
Me and Jesus Come and hug and squeeze us 'Cause you know That he's a simply Christ-terrific dude His eyes are bluish Bright and I love you-ish
It's big, isn't it? Yes, Peter. It's very big. Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good.
Anyway, it was a horrible place where they took away everybody's African names and gave them new names. What's your name? Tobi with an "I." With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O,"
Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner. (SWITCHES OFF TV) 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason.
Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing? Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum? No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.
Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
(EXCLAIMS) It's Officer Nasty. Careful, I might be carrying a concealed weapon.
And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along? Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one. Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No.
Look what happened by accident.
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know? You get to look at my great house. I get to look at that dark thing, huh? What, what is that, a candle over there? That's pretty sweet. Yeah, it's a candle. We're freezing over here. No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink. It stinks over here, you jerk. I can't hear you over my central heating. - Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison. - Hey, bite me, man.
You never answer your cell phone And your messages are often ambiguous Amen A reading from the book of Leviticus. "Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock,
Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off.
Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin! (MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, Feelings (GIRLS SCREAM) Uh, Feelings
And if you think you can say that just like Weenie here, you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead. MAN: Weenie and the Butt. Weenie and the Butt. WOMAN: Cool weekends in the morning, 97.1 FM. MAN 2: Cool weekends in the morning with Weenie and the Butt. WQHG 97.1. - 97.1. - 97.1.
Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor, and on my days off, an avid golf enthusiast. The club's having a Man-Boy golf tournament. You two should enter. A tournament, huh? That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car! This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!
You don't understand, Brian. What am I supposed to do without Jolly Farm? I'll be like an Italian mom without bad kids. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is all the commotion in here? We're not doing anything. You getting fresh with me? I'm tired of bailing both of yous out of prison. We're both in college, and we consistently make the Dean's List.
- Porn? Yes! - Porn? Yes! - Gay porn? - No.
like the guy who would have killed Hitler. Nice going, Schweinhund! The fourth Stooge. That's right. There were supposed to be four Stooges! It was gonna be hilarious! And Osama Bin Laden's America-loving older brother. I would have talked him out of it!
Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these "cheers" and "jeers" work again? Well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television, and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it. See, yeah, I'm not quite... We can't do this over the phone.
Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience. Mommy, can I have a drink of water? (GASPING) Jackie Gleason! Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah. Pow, right in the kisser! Oh, that's a horrible story.
JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, John-Boy. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENING) John-Boy? JOHN-BOY: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?
Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient? Come on. I didn't know she was dying. Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying.
What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! I mean, not much. What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you. Daddy, what are you doing? Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me! Mom left you? Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing.
I got fired off of that commercial. Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." No, damn it! Take 26!
Boy, I haven't been this creeped out since I saw that episode of Star Trek. - Number One. - Yes, Captain. Let me ask you something. Ifl whispered in your ear that Commander Worf's head... looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh? - Yeah, I could get in on that. - All right! Here it comes!
That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me. Like business isn't bad enough already.
Gentlemen, I give you the Asian. ALL: Ooh! Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent. The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient. We're projecting 10 billion within five years. Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason. Do they eat just, like, regular food? No, no, no, the opposite.
For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche. What's that, now? Yeah, I don't like him, either. Yeah, me neither. Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy. Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year.
Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie, but I can never go back to Cleveland, not after all the pain I caused him.
Well, citizen, that's an excellent question and I thank you for it. I think it's great we live in a town where you can ask questions, because without questions, we'd just have answers. And an answer without a question is a statement. Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye!
I want to sing a little song that, uh, kept me going when I had troubLeS.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Now I know my A-B-Cs Yankee Doodle went to town Next time won't you sing with me? Now I know my A-B-Cs (PETER AND CHRIS GROANING) What the devil is that? It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble. (MOANS) My God, why is there vomit everywhere?
The fire truck can consume eight times its body weight. NARRATOR: The ambulances will ha ve to wait their turn.
"Doesn't work well with others"?
(BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place,
Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the fuckin' face.
No, it's a tumor.
What kind? Turkey. All right, we'll get on that.
The Force is strong with this one. (YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?
Nobody cares.
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
Like your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.
I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase. Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. Go force!
I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere. Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.
I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all,
Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex.
(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
Don't mention last night's Project Runway. I've got it on TiVo.
In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane Rupaul which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather report. Ollie. It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it? Inside out, 2 miles away. Is there anything we can do for you? Bring me some soup. What kind? Turkey.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded. Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air. Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me.
Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!
Is that what you think? You stole him from me?
Meg in low-riders. Enough of that. Go away, damn you. You're going to get it now.
(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC)
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) Because that's what Jesus wants. (ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) 9/11 was bad. (ALL CHEERING) I agree with that! God, I can't believe how easy this is.
We are not bad people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax. Ugh. First place goes to Spooner Street. We won! All right!
I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time. You could be a threat to me. Chuck.
Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance... Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God. There's a situation here. I've got a sore finger. I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!
Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years,
I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol.
Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Kill it, kill it!
God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit!
5% of the country has. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book. I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know... Actually, since I said that, I did read it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?
And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu, or 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. Welcome to the DirecTV Help Channel,
(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Holy crap, you speak Ebonics? No, no, Peter, it's Japanese. Wait, are they the angry eye ones or the tired eye ones? I'm not sure I... The first one, I guess. I... I don't know.
You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! But Pa, you can't fire me! You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!
MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.
Freak.
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion. We're willing to do whatever it takes. I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house, so that I can observe your uncensored behavior. Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Ex-Except somebody'll be watching.
Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I'm not gonna stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it! What's your problem, Grandma? You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! Ugh! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free! Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois. Gosh! I guess I finally understand--
Just--Just stall them, Lois! hA! Ha! Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. Ah, Peter, it's ok. It's just Death. Oh, Thank GoD! Uh, hey, Did someone choke on a roll in here? Oh no, no, No, No. I--I spit it up. Oh.
This is just like that sitcom where there's 2 dads. Except nobody's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.
Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? PETER: Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? MAN: Forget it. False alarm. Whoa, ass ahoy.
I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy? Queer? Right! Oh, I got it? Yeah. You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do. Well, actually, yeah. Your last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, that was actually pretty funny. Oh, God!
Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV. TV ANNOUNCER: Spike TV, full of stuff men like. (TIRES SQUEALING) (PUNCHING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (FARTING) (GUN SHOT FIRED) (WOMAN MOANS) TV ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that stuff.
A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!
I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is. All I know is I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote? You know, you've been laying around the house a lot lately. Why don't you get a part-time job like Peter used to have? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run
All the most important Broadway people will be there. Playwrights, money men, even Stanley Kowalski. Hi. I'm Michael. Michael! Michael! Um, and this is my wife, Nancy. Nancy! Nancy!
Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself. You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you. Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher. Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.
Wouldn't be proper of me. I appreciate your courtesy. Likewise. Well, we're all out of time. Join us same time tomorrow, if it's not entirely inconvenient for you. If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance. This has all been an imposition. I'm so dreadfully sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
(STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING) (GROWLING) He doesn't like you. Sorry.
See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.
I don't feel so good.
You're acting like a psycho bitch. You're acting like a psycho bitch! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian. I like your ass.
Calling them Saggy...
Yeah, it's big. Oh, God, yes! (MOANS) Yes! Yeah. (BUZZING) Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good. I love you so much.
Get your hands off me. I served in the fictitious military. Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? What happened? Where am I? Who are you? I'm Lois. Lois who? Who the hell am I? Uh-oh.
It's working!
Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista.
I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks. These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions? I would check the point first before re-priming it.
(ALL SCREAMING) (MOANING) Whoa, paramedics, come on down! (LAUGHING)
Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.
No. You friends with Gary, who owns the dry cleaners?
In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. What the hell? Holy crap! I'm black!
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.
Welcome back tO quahog 5 News. And now, Here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? It's gonna rain!
W-w-waiT, you can't stay herE. Why noT? You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper? Oh, It's ok, Death. You just worry about feelin' better. Lois, What the hell are you doing?
Hoisted by my own petard.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait. You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school? - Well, yes. For Martin Luther King. - That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999? No, that's Martin Landau. - Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh? - That's Martin Lawrence. - The drunk crooner? - That's Dean Martin.
A little service here!
Please, Brian. I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are. Can't you get the money another way? Believe me, I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show. For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95 percent of all cosmetic products. Diarrhea. What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What is Diarrhea?
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
You suck! Somebody get a hook! This is worse than Seussical! No! No, wait! wait! I was about to do this thing.
The world would be so much better if it were run by babies. TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight on NBC, Shapes! (COOING EXCITEDLY) And then, Colors! (COOING EXCITEDLY) Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! (CHEERING)
Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'll kill the shirt myself! You bluff. No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh. Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair? Oh, gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. You're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
Mom. Dad. (PETER SOBBING) Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there. No! I don't deserve no better than living with the shoes! Peter, there you are.
Let me see.
Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy? No. He shot Mayor McCheese. (SPECTATORS CHEERING) (GUNSHOT) (SPECTATORS SCREAMING) That joke's not in bad taste, right? Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.
Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks likE.
Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!
We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control
What the deuce?
Okay, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. A chair. My own feces. Name a popular fruit. Orange. Clay Aiken. Something in your closet. Shoes. Scary monsters. Your favorite holiday. Christmas. 9/11. Something you do on the weekends. Go to church. Black guys.
Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.
This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor. Good. Good.
Because I'm a hic-a-doo-la boy and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girl And together, it is a hic-a-doo-la world Hic-a-doo-la! Mr. Quagmire, what does "hic-a- doo-la" mean? What does "hic-a-doo-la" mean? Why It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. It's cheering real loud for the home team!
D... OT. Dot. B... Et. BET. Bet. I knew that. Slow it dowN. P... It. Pit. PiT. Come on. It's my first day. F... At. FaT. Oh, That's it, buddy! Ugh!
There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life up there. What a mess. I'm telling you, the Founding Fathers would be very disappointed in where their country ended up. Eh, it wasn't so perfect back then, either.
That happened, and we all let it happen.
Who said anything about dying? Uncle Glenn, am I dying? No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here. Should have gone into politics, Bri. Now we got to go to the back of the line. What the hell? Why isn't it moving?
What's Brian doing? Oh, my God! He's violating Sea Breeze! No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself-- Now he's violating Sea Breeze.
I'm sorry, you guys. You're a fucking bitch! Yes. Yes, I am.
Oh, my God. (LAUGHING) Look! It's Saggy Naggy. ALL: Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy... (LAUGHING) What the hell? Young man, what do you think you're...
I should just check the Find A Jew app on my iPhone. Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country. No, look. There's one down south. Oh, they got him.
Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel,
There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.
Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus. Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! Hey! You're right. It's better if I do it. Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie. (SIGHS) I better take a look.
After all, we couldn't even turn a double play. All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay.
You know, I've been doing this job a long time, and I think you've got what it takes. (CHUCKLES) You're kidding. Really? Yes. How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter? (CHUCKLING) You know, I came down here not even thinking I had a shot. And now you're telling me this? Gosh, it's an awfully big decision!
I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats. Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money.
I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of AmericA. A.N.N.A. rules 'cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels A.N.N.A. won Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun
She works at her dad's garage. She's practically a guy. (GASPS) JoJo? (ONLY YOU PLAYING) Hi, Peter. But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. There was someone I had to see first. Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies,
"A Way With Words in Marriage "for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.
When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real. Hello, fellas. Hey, Pete. Hey, those are my pants. That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell.
I will now give a demonstration. (GRUNTING) Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh? - (GUN COCKING) - Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun. What the fuck was that?
Hello, Claire.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.
Well, We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always, so we had her stuffed! Mom!
Shit.
"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"?
(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Look, I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing. It was a one-night thing.
Now open up for the airplane. Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers! My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok. No broccoli. Very well then. I-- Who the hell do you think you are? Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high.
You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet. We were sailing along On Moonlight Bay We could hear the voices singing They seemed to say uh, Sorry. I don't do dog shows.
Don't go breaking my heart (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless... (HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK) REAGAN: Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart
I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music. 'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed up. Ok, everybody. For my next miracle, I'm gonna turn water into funk.
Get the fuck out of my house!
as usual. I'm going upstairs to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these!
Looks like one's another U-boat. (RADAR BEEPING) The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.
That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends. You know, the way we just hang out, before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this. Well, I can't do it, but you know. Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Fish out of water!
And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! Me! Me! (LAUGHING)
Wow, what a turnout. Peter, that's not a group of enthusiastic party guests, that's an angry mob. We don't want you in our town, Simpson. We don't love you like we did in 1993. D'oh! And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either.
Come on in. Come on in. Tell old Stew.
You could file a suit, but that could take months,
And maybe a trick or 2. It'll be like taking candy from a Baby.
(HAWKS)
I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated. By the rules of high school, you are now popular again. Well, we did it, Connie. Thanks for your help, Meg.
I got your first story right here. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go!
(SCREAMING) My legs! Another train! (SCREAMING) What an odd, clustered train schedule!
Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
My God, Stewie, you look terrible. Brian, I suddenly feel as if I've just been through some sort of major trauma. Uh-oh. I think I know what that major trauma was. (GASPS) My birth. Dear God, I've got to get out of here! (GASPS)
Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey! Much better than Cleveland. Hey, Peter, knock it off! Get you damn hands off me you son of A-- You like it dirty, don't you?
I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.
It's hardly a date. Oh, yeah? You want to see? I'll call her right now and ask her out to dinner. Hey, Denise? It's me. Brian. Brian Griffin. Hey, listen, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking...
This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas!
If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own. Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby
it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle. Here, Stewie. Try this. What the hell are you... (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!
STEWIE: Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a naked tea party. Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That's something that interests you, my friend? DYLAN: You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
Everybody still awake? All right, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel? And there were those creepy twins? And the guy was running around with that ax? And the kid talked to his finger? Can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption.
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!
That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Got ya! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. Let the tour begin.
All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone.
Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young... Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons. Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it. And he only puts out, like, ten new episode a year.
Fuck! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word
(KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal.
I wonder what it was. We'll never know. But look on the bright side. You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. The gang and I are gonna watch the game. All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. (ALL SLURPING)
Jeez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic. Aw, Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?
Listen to you! You don't know your own kids. That's the problem. It's not them, it's you. Me? Yes, you! And you know what? You've hurt your kids worse than any black hole could. Lois, you're overreacting. This'll all blow over by tomorrow.
You want to get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You want to get some McDonald's? Do you want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
and Ramen Noodles,
Doggie! Too hard. I like doggie! Too hard. Doggie! Gonna bite. Doggie! Gonna bite.
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote. rr
Stewie tried to kill me! Mom, Stewie's just a baby. No, he's not, Meg! He's evil. He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.
Hey. What's going on? You know, that was, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody. (SIGHS) I don't know, Brian. I mean, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened. What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.
Even though they killed my Lord
O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)
Aw, Did someone have a bad dream? Mmm. Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?
We're big Hollywood actors. Yeah, we are.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Eight fucking hours later...
Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
in the house you know, you know, come on
Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights and I say, I want Charles in Charge Hey! Hey! Hey! Quiet down, up there! You wacky Beatle.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber. People see us everywhere They think you really care But myself I can't deceive
Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese. You're not? No. That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches. You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.
Thanks, Ollie. And now Part Two. It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy
Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac. Hey!
Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers. But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies. Maybe this whole thing just disappears.
Yes, we're a hit! You were amazing!
Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh!
This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down all those stairs. (SCATTING) Cool!
It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. (ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center.
Even I found that to be in bad taste.
Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. I said I can do it. HEy, Shut uP! Oh, Hey, Clevemire.
JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished!
Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING)
And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car. You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like washing board! Joan Lunden mother, so happy. Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad.
shh, shh, shh. It's ok, Stewie. Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben. Now play Brahms' Lullaby. Lullaby and good night Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!
What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here!
Nineteen children died, Peter, and the FBI knows it was you. Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty and sentences you to seven days in prison. You'll be out next Sunday at 9:00.
The fryolator. I am so taking this.
(SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.
(SCOFFS) I'm a lawyer.
What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down. Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I love the holidays.
Well, Clearly it's not that tube top. Hey, Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car! Ok, But it'll cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? It means that he'll--
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.
Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Again! Again! I love repetition!
What? No, I was just... Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything. Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004. That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11. (SCOFFS) Must have been a woman pilot, huh?
Good morning, Stewie. STEWIE: Fuck you. You ready for the day, sweetie?
What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.
That was a great story. Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it. Oh, really? Define "decent." I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
- Jesus Christ! - What?
You know what we should do? We should go over there and shave it. That's a great idea! Let's do it! Let's shave the cat! Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie. MAN 1 ON FILM: I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States! (EXCLAIMS) He said it! He said it!
Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property. And all of this while under the influence of alcohol. Your Honor, if you'll just let us explain... I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear.
My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement,
Uh-huh. Sounds great! Bye. So? Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me. (SOBBING) PETER: Put the dog out. The dog's crying. Can someone put... Lois, can someone put the dog out?
Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4.
You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend,
Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? What? Hi. (GIGGLING)
All right. The machine has been repaired. Now all I've got to do is isolate the cause of the acceleration curve and see if I can duplicate the shock wave. What's the matter? I've regressed to my pre-ambulatory stage. I can no longer walk! My God, Stewie, you look terrible.
(MUMBLES) No...black guy. Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled?
Oh, What a great day! I just want to s-- I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted!
All right, I'll say it. What the hell are you drinking? A Pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle. They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party.
I think you're an idiot. Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it! I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh...
(GROANS) (SCREAMS) LOIS: Hello?
Hannah can't do the photo shoot until Miley finishes her homework. You can't tell Hannah what to do. She's not your daughter. Wait. So, Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't? Right. Great. Put your wig on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Shut up! This is real. (LAUGHING) You're watching Hannah Montana?
Oh, Come on, Lois. Jeez, This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. Are--Are they really gonna kill that girl? Peter, please! People are trying to watch.
I'll start out easy. Little more complex.
Okay, how about top of the World Trade Center, the morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 a.m.? I'll be there. You think I'll forget, but I won't. (BOTH MOANING) That was nice.
I used to guest host The Tonight Show. Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're--You're not even on television right now, are you? In my mind! The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film.
FRANZ: So now you know the truth. (COCKS GUN) I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.
Oh, my God. Look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen? Maybe. You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin.
Come on, Joe! Fuck this guy!
What? Oh, no!
Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.
What are you making, Ollie? Eggo!
Well, fine, if I can't do the book, I'm gonna hurt something you love. (GRUNTING) (COUGHS) You happy now?
where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes. Well, it's 10 years later, but you're still sending in ideas. To Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around your idea, "Make the baby go wild" for a while. Couldn't really find an angle on it. Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa.
Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?
Oh, I like that. That's nice. That's a warm family moment.
Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... How forgetful was he? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank.
Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house. I thought we'd come to an understanding. Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to, so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod! Man, I just got my memory back.
We don't got no money for camp. We're saving up to go to Europe. Peter, we went to Europe. You didn't like it. Oh, my God, it's beautiful. My TV isn't here. Let's go home. ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage.
Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.
A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. Do you take hot showers? Yes. Dry skin. Thanks.
To the Popemobile!
Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it. Make me want it.
(FARTING)
So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry. Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you. I like it a lot. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Peter! PETER: I'm gonna do you through the plastic basket holes.
I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.
Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean everything. The show, the music, it's all just awful. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)
Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him... until he gets out of rehab. Contra band check. undefinedWhat are these? " don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how they got there. Well, I think you do know. No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds.
You watch NCIS? Yes, sir. Yes, I do. CBS knows what we want. Yeah, they get our generation. They do, they really do. I switch over for the Leno, though. Yeah. Me, too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack-o'-lantern was, but I didn't get his brand of humor.
This, uh, this--This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. It's no concern of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face. Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake? Yeah!
She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas. Hit me, you 5-card stud. Cocktail!
I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug.
A hurricane. Oh, my God! Peter's out there. Don't worry, Lois. Peter's good at getting out of trouble. Just like Kobe Bryant. We want the truth, Kobe. Did you rape her? What were we talkin' about?
Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac Man and his wife. Hey, Come on, buddy. Forget about her. Yeah. You're too good for her anyway. Cheer up, man. Hey--Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? What? We're turning blue! Oh, my God! We've got nowhere to run. He's gonna get us. He's still got us. - He's gonna get us! - Oh, mY God! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's not budging. Come on. Let's go tO q-Bert's.
All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody? Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-up Deaf Guy! Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.
MAN: Hundreds and hundreds of years old. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by... God. ...Big Bang. If you look at the bones of a... Jesus. ...Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that... Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
My name is Anna. I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something.
Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Ha-Ha! Got you. Aha! Ah!
Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Me, too. Me, too. Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. - That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in.
Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!
Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
(EXCLAIMING) I mean, go back the way I came. I didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Lois, right? You seen my hand on the page. Yeah, Peter, I seen it. (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage? Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful.
Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River. That's right, Joyce. Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country, after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge,
Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. Canada sucks.
You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks. Ha! Ha! Got your nose. Oh, Yeah? Well, I got your face! Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick. Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch.
Tell me, how old are you, Charlie? 7. 7? Well, my, My, you're practically a lady.
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play? (FARTS) Sorry, there was a fart trapped in the play.
Can't you let me have anything?
Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. That's okay. Whatever she wants to do. She cracked three kids' skulls open!
What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog. Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either. Where the hell is that jack-off? There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box. Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed.
Holy crap. They got a ringer. What the hell? Jerome's on your team? That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store. What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. Oh, we are fucked.
Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Name five more. Tracy, Jean, Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby. Go fuck yourself.
Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.
That's Habanera from Carmen. Ah, I've never heard it sung so beautifully. Sing coppertone! Yeah, Coppertone! Do Doan's Pills! Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder! Pepsodent! Chiclets! No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago.
Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat.
I hate these hats. Yes, sir. Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today. Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy, Lizard Guy, who I think I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk, Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and... What are you supposed to be? Raggedy Andy.
She's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan. (ROARING) I... I don't know Shakespeare very well.
He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. - Say "wheat." - Wheat. - Now say "Wil Wheaton." - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. - Wil Wheaton. - Whil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? All the time. Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.
Well, let's check. 9/11. Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. We made 9/11 happen. High five! All right! High five! Yeah! Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context.
Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull? You never heard of Red Bull? It's an energy drink.
$500, $700, $10,000? How about $12? Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed, fully trained, fully Jewish! Jewish!
24 months in prison? Unacceptable!
Oh, this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out. Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? You are! Dad's gonna get it!
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow! What are you doing here? Hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else. Cool. Cool. We'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy. You here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.
Yay! I love my old stairs! (LAUGHING) Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.
If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church. Mom! Don't worry, we're going. B-But you don't get the supersize. Oh! Ok, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Oh, Come on! Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.
We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean... You remember, when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose?
Kids? Kids? It's so awesome!
I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. Ah, Man, that is bogus. Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence. Ok, 3 years. That was a sneeze. 4 years. I am sorry. 5 years. You douchebag. All right, 3 years it is. 3 years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done?
And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons? MARY ELLEN: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. JIM-BOB: Goodnight, Mary Ellen. Goodnight, Pa. PA: Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma. MA: Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy.
And he's got a gun!
God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.
They'd none of them be missed
If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.
That's right, I bought a horse. You bought a horse? Why the hell did... I didn't even give you that much money. That's what I thought, Lois. Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island. Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville? I don't know.
Oh, Come on! D-Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? Fine. Chumba Wumba gobble aHh! Ahh! Ahh!
Those fucking things live forever.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Brady Bunch. See, look. Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. BRIAN: And here's the stuff you missed.
P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I crapped my pants. It's funny when it happens to other people.
Sorry. I just farted.
Wow. Those are the Russian people? I mean, granted, you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the Russian people, but they're all bears on unicycles? Bears on unicycles, every one.
Look out! What are you doing? Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. It's a portal, an opening through which all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form. - A vagina? - Get out.
(FARTS)
STUDENT: No.
I'll start out easy. Little more complex.
What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow
I want apple juice. Dad, you left your apple juice at home. I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes. With apple juice. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (CHUCKLING) SpongeBob. (CHUCKLING)
Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.
Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.
Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all. Yeah, it's a real tragedy. What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief.
A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Time! It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 timeS? God!
(CLATTERING) It's... (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't feel so good. God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? (ALL SCREAMING) Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out.
A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You're our future. What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it? Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello. I'm being cross-examined. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it. Really? 'Cause I had it sitting right on my table...
But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. You bastards!
Give me that.
(MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good.
Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in.
These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.
All right, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors and slacks? I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!
Canada is in the world final against Mexico. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (CROWD CHEERING) (LA CUCARACHA PLAYING)
Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. ELECTRONIC VOICE: The pig goes, "Wenk." The cow goes, "Sha-zooo." It most certainly does not. The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee."
Road House. That was awesome, and its message is timeless. Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Brian, you're right. Peter, I'm joking.
(CREAKING) (SCREAMS) What? What is it? I got a splinter! (WAILING)
Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)
That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! Pedal faster! I can't go any faster! Where you going, kids? Hey, I just want to talk to you. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes?
Hey, buddy. What's going on? You having your period? What?
It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny. Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date. (LAUGHS) How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.
Hey, uh, Death, y-you got a file on me? YEAH, somewhere. it's in the car, I think. Does it mention that I ran 2 weeks of Junior Varsity track? OH... Let's not do this. Hey! Look. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you? My anklE!
(LOSER THEME FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT PLAYS) (SIGHS) We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland. (LAUGHING) (GROANS)
(COUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKING) Stewie, I need your help. What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here. Kate wants me to meet her parents. Hey, guys. I'm just gonna... Just gonna take this. Thank you.
I know, right? Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you, buying food to make dinner for your husband. No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard, but Peter and I aren't together anymore. What? Why? It's a long story. You don't want to hear about it. Shut your face. I want to hear all about it.
No, Meg, stop it.
Oh, Look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest.
- Franco-Prussian War! - I don't know. Sherman's March to the Sea! I don't know. - Cuban Missile Crisis! - No idea. Trail of Tears! Never heard of it. - Death of Charlemagne! - What is that? Treaty of Augsburg! I got nothing. Cortes reaches South America! Pumping a dry well. - Teapot Dome Scandal! - Sounds fake. September 11th, 2001! Also sounds fake. - The Bronze Age! King James Bible! - Nope. No. - San Juan Hill! - No! - Wounded Knee! Great Schism! - Stop. Dad! I'll take you back to school.
Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And--And then, who's dead, huh? You. You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.
Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
Spidey, can you swing us across with your web? No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey. I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey. Yeah, close friends. - What's your name? - Peter. Hey, Petey, do stuff for me. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
MAMET: Hey, Tony. Oh, my God, that's David Mamet. There's the man of the evening. I read your play, An American Marriage. It was incredibly raw. I was pretty damn impressed. Oh, thank you, David. David, this is Brian. Brian, David. Oh, it's an honor.
NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre. But finally, some good news out of neighboring Kanduzi, as locals there have reached an uneasy alliance with the bordering Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.
The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." Uh, c-- I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Oh, dang!
Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me. You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that. Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV. Maybe I have to fix the dish.
I usually hang out with an idiot. Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house.
Bend down, Mother. Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. He's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you?
Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. hey, There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? ah, Jeez, Max, i--I don't know about this.
Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.
MAN ON TV: We now return to the Ghost Whisperer. I don't understand. Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're really... I mean, you have a knack for... We just trust you.
Oh, oh, oh For the longest time Oh, oh, oh For the longest If you say goodbye to me tonight (SCATTING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (YELLING) What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? I had sex with her! What? I had sex with her at the Marriott! (SCREAMS) Why? I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh, my God! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does this happen? When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood.
There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen in the hole in the bottom of the sea Get a nurse.
it's not a very important award. Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me?
- Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week. Freaking swelled foot all week. You know, we should... You should probably go ahead and shut that off.
We've been married 14 years. She never called me Pete. Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car? Bye. Shall we?
Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together.
Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! Ahh!
(RITA CRYING) Rita. Oh, Brian, please leave me alone. They're right. I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together. Will you stop that? They're insane. They don't know what they're talking about. You're an amazing woman.
Shut up, beast.
Oh, This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." Go! You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!
What do you think, Brian? I mean, what do you think of the ta-tas? Can we do better? I think we can do better, right? What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments and naked they would be, like, mucho sloppy. Okay? Like taco Joe here, bro. I mean, I'm just... Like, I mean, naked they'd be running away from each other, okay?
(ALL GASP) That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. Now, question number one. What's it like on the set? The show's been off the air for 15 years. Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.
My name is Chris. I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?
Well, hi there. I sure can. You know, I have to tell you, Wish It. Want It. Do It. totally changed my life. Well, you know, that's what I set out to do with this book, so, you know, I got to tell you, that makes me feel pretty great. This is just a phone number. I know, I know, my phone number. Oh.
Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers. Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well. Build a bar! That's a great idea.
Yes! Peter "Sweet Cheeks" Griffin, you have been given the power from God. - Ho-ho! Ho-ho! - Ho-ho! (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) I will be so responsible with this. Thanks, guys. Ho-ho! Bye. See you, Peter. Y'all come back now, you hear? (CHUCKLES) It's Patch Adams Robin.
And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are, Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day-Lewis. And the Oscar goes to... A red guy! (PEOPLE CHEERING)
That ought to keep Mort away. Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
Jesus Christ.
Way to go, Dad. Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad. And you're a fart smeller, Meg. (FARTING) (SCREAMING) Let's go home.
No!
Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.
"ah! "Life sure was crazy growing up in Brooklyn. "We had some real characters in my neighborhood, "like Frank the Mailman. "'Hey, Mark, the ants for your ant farm came today!' Huh. "And my friend Lonny, that knucklehead. "'Yo, Marky, let's play some b-ball.' "'B-ball.' Ha! Ha! That's what we called it. B-ball.
STEWIE: Yeah, scram, Drinky. I got a story. It's about the little penis that could. It thinks it can, it thinks... In fact, it's pretty sure it can. (STUTTERING) It's gonna.
I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw. MAN: Hey, is that that new butter substitute? WOMAN: It sure is. Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine - with all the great taste? Yeah. - Can I have some? - Get your own. Take that, you bitch! What the hell? How'd you like that? Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis. (GROANING) - Patrick? Yes?
Ugh. Not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed. Hey, you asleep yet? (STUTTERING) No. Just checking.
What... It's gone! Whoa! I wonder what happened to it. (WIND HOWLING) (SNIFFS) Ah! Fuck, yeah!
War! (GRUNTS) Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Okay, all right, good job. Now, let's try something else. - I wanna get you home and... - (GRUNTS) Double up. (GRUNTS TWICE) Okay, I like where this is going. Let's take it from the top. (PLAYS STEREO) I like big butts and I cannot lie
Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes! (ALL CHEERING) Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense, now that he lives on Boner Street.
What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'll get a new cleaners. They're all the same. They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr. Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner. He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled. Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize.
Are you happy? I've never been happy. Oh, Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. Yes, and In the meantime, here's a little vision teST. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?
- Australia! - France!
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
Ew! Ew! Ew!
You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right.
(PETER LAUGHS)
You know what, screw you guys. I don't even know you. Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings. I love Wings.
Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. What? Mom, that's you!
Who wants chowder? What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out.
Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.
I hope so. Because If I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the electric company.
And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you. Pawtucket Patriot Beer. if you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
(ANNOUNCER READING)
You should see the way I have to pick up chicks. Hi. (GIGGLING)
A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager. Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
Good evening, Billingsbury. I'm Clive Crowley. Coming up, a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester. But first, our top story tonight, Her Majesty The Queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow. With details, we now go live to Indian reporter Tricia Dasgupta. (EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, my golly, there is much commotion.
heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along? Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.
Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh!
Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave. DAVE: And here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullaby. PAUL: Hey, lullaby Oh, lullaby Hey, you lullaby... Stop, no, stop. Stop. I forgot, he's terrible.
It's just Cheerios and coloring books. What? Where the hell is the money? Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you've got some milk and a bowl, we can give you a pretty healthy way to start your day. All right, enough of this.
but who after you told her of your intentions, said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard of all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures. And if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs.
Get me the fuck down from here. What am I, a fucking clown? Humans will chuckle at this.
(SCREAMS) Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore. Let's take a look at that wrist injury. That's my foot, not my hand. Woods!
A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep."
That was strangely arousing.
How about the first three women willing to come down and have sex with Hank get free boob jobs courtesy of Dr. John Viener? Are you reading my mind, man? Let's go to the phones.
I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me.
My God, this is more uncomfortable than the goodbye in The Wizard of Oz. Goodbye, Tin Man. Goodbye, Dorothy. Goodbye, Lion. Goodbye, Dorothy. I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say. Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us. Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah.
perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig.
You need to come home with me. Bonnie, stay with me. I promise, it will take three years with this accent before you figure out I'm just a normal jerk. Bonnie, listen to me. I'm your husband. He may be your husband, but I would do anything for you.
Our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Maharjarifa... Something September 11th-y. All right, Omar, your word is "candy."
And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time. Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself. Shut up! You're not my mother! Good God! Are you all right? Fine. Why do you ask?
The Bible also says a senior citizen built an ark and rounded up two of every animal. Hey. Yeah? What the hell is this? Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. - Did you name it? - What? Did you name it? Uh, yeah, he's Paul.
Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you. I already got it. Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...
Oh, that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family. No, we don't. There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head. Damn it, Peter. I'm probably gonna have to get a job.
and if you can find them,
Meg, who let you back in the house?
His boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.
Ahh!
A shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy. Sounds dangerous, Tom. Be careful next time you 're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen. Well, at feast you 're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church to lea ve your self-delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money.
What the hell was that? Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam. Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! That's how a prostate exam is performed. - Now, if you'll just let me... - Get away from me!
You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
Brian, what are you doing here? Yeah. You look just like Alf. Peter, I'm not Alf. Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law, but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for The Daily Shopper. Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. "I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with..." Who isn't she messing with?
Oh, so now everyone understands me. Look, Meg, we're just worried about you. Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. (WHIMPERS) Punch yourself in the face! (WHIMPERING) All right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso, punch your baby in the...
(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: It's The...Van...Show (BLEEPING) starring...Van... They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat. No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you!
So the long and the veiny of it is, you're gonna help us out, right? I will provide you with transportation, passports, food, supplies, everything from "A" to backwards "R." Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Putin. Would you like to see Russian cutaway gag? Yeah, sure. Here is Russian cutaway gag. (EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN)
(SIGHING) You know what, fat man?
Wow, Stewie, you're up early. I'm up still. I've been reading all night. Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Well, I loved this book. Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him I could have him. You really think you stand a chance. Look at you. You're old. You're nothing! You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.
All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.
It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it. Okay, red flag. Red flag, everybody.
I've got so many problems. Hey. Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake. High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame.
Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The clitoris-- Nature's rubik'S cUbE."
(ALL SCREAMING) You're going to jail, Tucker. Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog, redneck cop! Not you or anyone else in this damn town! I'm not going to jail!
Grab some wood there, bub. Daddy and his friends have been drinking, and we're gonna keep on drinking until we each uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse by a trusted religious official. Oh, that's crazy talk. Oh, my God! Minister Washington, how could you?
You suck!
(COUGHING) Who could think of such a horrible thing? (LAUGHING) We know you not like rice cake. (WOMEN SINGING) (GONG CLANGS)
High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING) I can almost hear the stillness As it yields to the sound of your heart beating
Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement. You mean this room we're in or your bum? No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet. So you want me to do you in the front. Just get over here and kiss me. Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with a Channel Five News Special Report. And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island. Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (IN ORIENTAL MELODY) who's gonna tell us all about the rain.
I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? Yeah. I guess. Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian. Hey there, Stewie. Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends. Dear God.
the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything. So all of a sudden, we get these orders. And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet. I remember the sky was a majestic orange. (PHONE VIBRATING) The breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but, you know, not so warm that you'd break any kind of a sweat. Because let me tell you, it just ruins... Big gay phoque. Big gay phoque, yeah.
Oh, great, it's here. That mirror I bought on eBay. Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
(SOBBING) Oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning.
Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!
Oh, right. That's the other thing. Now, this is just a thought, but we're doing it. - She's 18. - What? It was James Woods' idea and we thought it was just the right hook. I mean, how great is that? A father and a daughter, both in college together?
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One. Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS)
I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes.
a human resources guy we could talk to? Um, I have a work-related grievance. What? Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long, and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy," but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs.
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop? Use the rubber stoppers on the front.
You have a habit of saying the wrong thing. During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI.
Stewie, what are you doing? Just doing a little tai chi. You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why. Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese. The Japanese have a whole other thing going on. Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus. BOTH: Yeah!
Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's, in December of 1996?
She's always trying to make me be social. Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.
Here, Donna. I got you your 10-year anniversary present. Suntan lotion? But we live in the Northeast. That's right, we do. Unless we were moving to California. (GASPS) He must've got the part. When he going to meet Evita? Not every play is Evita. Oh, no. I feel terrible.
Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian. ALL: Hello, Peter and Brian. Hi there. Hi, uniform mentality. I'm an individual. Come on, Brian. They're forcing us to do this, so let's try and make the best of it. Can't be that bad. All right, who'd like to kick us off?
Those fucking things live forever. Maybe you boys will get it together someday,
Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up. All right, can we go now? Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check.
It's not Tony or Angela.
I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here. Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
You see, women are a lot like Saturday Night Live sketches. Lots of them are awful, some are decent, and a few are pretty good. But then there's that one... That one woman who's as amazingly perfect as "Massive Head Wound Harry." For me, that woman is Cheryl Tiegs. You'd never fall for these tricks.
So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.
Come on. Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt, like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia. It's good to worship Allah, 'cause I used to worship summer! Wocka, wocka. (MEN CHATTERING) I once knew a guy who was so Arab... How Arab was he? He was so Arab that everybody liked him,
(GAGGING) Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened? None of your fucking business what happened! Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
checking out some of that Internet porn.
You're gonna have to pay a high toll if you want to get into this tunnel. Come on, don't say stuff like that. I want you to be scared, not make puns. (MODERN FAMILY THEME PLAYING)
Aw, You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
Yeah, I have MS. Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it. Now you really got me mad.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this. (SNEEZES)
But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves. Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian.
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down. Reagan smash. Reagan smash. What's that? Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out. Reagan sleepy.
Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play? All right, then. One, two, three. Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Brandy, you're out. Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight. "Making copies." Remember that? I was born in 1987.
And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles To fall down at your door THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da-da Da-da-da THE PROCLAIMERS: Da-da Da-da-da-da-da I'm singing! I'm singing!
(GRUNTS) Mohamed Atta stayed home. Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're using information that nobody knows. Houston, we have a solution. Houston's for space, not everyday air travel.
Dad, I'm scared. (SOBS) Oh, God, this is so disgusting. I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck.
Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about?
Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
(MEN LAUGHING) Okay. Okay, guys. here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing. I find her insufferable. French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright. Yeah, he is terrible. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly. undefinedWho's Tim Daly? " don't even know who that is.
come back and have big hero party with many virgins.
We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one! Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals.
W-whoa! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs! That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny.
I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough? Oh, Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live.
And then, guess what? I'm going to add...
Look at them over there taking a group picture together. I love you! I love you! We're all such good friends! You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together. And that's where fat girls come from.
Some say love It is a razor That leaves Your soul to bleed (ALL SINGING) - When the night - When the night
And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING) No, no, no, no! The altos were early. This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow! Relax. The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back.
Charles, he's only 6 months old. Honey, would you relax? My God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... Ahh! Oh, God! oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.
I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long? If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.
If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.
Yeah. Well, we're in it, and we're gonna finish the job. Should we get started on the upper level? No. What the hell are we gonna do? We've sunk all of our money into this place. I've got an idea. I'll be right back.
(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE) (FARTING)
(SINGING ELVIRA)
Some days I think it was easier being Q-Bert's roommate. (SQUELCHING) God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.
Surprise!
You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now! (DOORBELL RINGS)
"Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. "I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. "I don't buy your product with broken quarters, "don't stick me with broken pieces of cracker, you miserable dickheads! "Regards, Mort Goldman again."
But at least you helped save Joe and Bonnie's marriage. I know. Those two lovebirds haven't left their bedroom since we got back. (TRUCK BEEPING) (PNEUMATIC TOOLS WORKING) Ahh, romance. Speaking of which, we ain't boofed in a whole week. Yeah, but what about the kids? Ah, they're back at school.
Here's the clicker. No one would blame you.
Wait a sec. I said "feces." Where's my answer? You're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh? Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny.
But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. (CROWING) Good night, everybody!
I,
Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser! (SCREAMING)
I know. Every year, it's nothing. Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this. TOM: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (ALL SNEEZING) Oh, dear.
Are you trying to seduce me-- Mr. Tucker? I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look greaT. Uh-oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, dustin, We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studiO. If there's anything I can ever do for yoU-- Bring me Peter Pan!
The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. What about that graph on the wall that says, "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? That? Oh! That's just something my son made me in art class. Ah. Then what about that poster that says, "The graph was not made in art class. "We really do want kids to start smoking"?
(CHEERING) This is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring. Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die. That's a lot of baloney. (NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW
Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls. (MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips. Can I just show you?
Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you calling Uncle Tom? What? Ok, time out. This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. Just shut up and throw a chair. Ok! ahh!
Aunt Beru? Oh, my God! John Williams! Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. (PLAYING ELFMAN-ESQUE MUSIC)
Joe? It's Peter. Two things. First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, come outside, there's an escaped convict running across the street!
- Quagmire hates me? - Hates you. I don't get it. Why... Why wouldn't Quagmire like me?
Jesus Christ has returned to Earth! I can't believe it! The second coming! Will you keep it down? It's not the second coming. Okay, so what are you doing here? Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so, kind of incognito, just to get away from the family. Plus the timing seemed good 'cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge.
I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until... Gosh, I... You know, I think I'd better, uh,
(BARKING)
(SCREAMING) My legs!
Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you. BARNEY: I've enjoyed it, too, Peter. Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. All done, Peter. You think you have a crap job.
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Hello, dumb-dumb.
"Hey, let's go see Chronicles of Riddick." Sat through the whole thing without puking, then I get home, wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Peter one, Jesus zero. You know, Jesus, if I go get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just want to stick this up her ass. All right, I'll be the one to say it.
And the smarty on Thanksgiving Who says it's the tryptophane He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the blonde who tells you loudly With a voice just like a knife "You know, someone should do a sitcom Based around my life"
Hello This is Tom Tucker...
Well, can't you knock or something? Hello? Well, I guess whoever's in there won't be getting this giant check from Publishers Clearing House. CLEVELAND: Publishers Clearing House! QUAGMIRE: Shut up. Did you hear something? I heard voices, but they've stopped, so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.
What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, hummingbird? Ha ve you heard? Peter Griffin is slow Can he still drive a car? Can he drink at a bar? Will they let him ha ve kids? ls his life on the skids? Hello, Mrs. Griffin, it's your neighbor, 0uagmire Now that Peter's mental You probably ha ve some needs
and this is how we choose to express our love. Look, Meg. A, ear sex is just unnatural and B... How do I say this?
I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)
Look at me. Look what I've become. I thought it'd feel good to be a bully,
Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mea-- I mean, Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these 2 women bitch-slapped each other. crowd went nuts. Loretta, wh-- why don't you try slapping Diane?
Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge? Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck, goose!
Shut up, you nerd. Hey.
Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. (FARTING) Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.
(CHEERING) Man, I hate the Yankees.
Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch! (SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you.
(GROANS) Strong women always turn out to be nightmares. Like Joan of Arc. Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls. I kill people and burp and watch so much porn.
I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club. Operator, Mia Farrow, please. You stay out of my life! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) What the hell is happening to you? Yeah, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.
And to you, 1985, I hereby name you the awesomest year of the '80s. Whatever, Presidork. Let's kick this party into radical gear. - ((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION) - PLAYING)
That's smart of you, Meg. You know, sometimes I do part-time jobs for extra cash. (VIOLIN SCREECHING) Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money. Gimme money.
And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9. Easton leads the scoring with four. And that's why she commands $7,000 a year. These gals sure do make it look difficult. ANNOUNCER: But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide.
Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! (GROANS) I'll go get him. Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms.
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn. Our top story continues to be, where is this giant canoe heading? But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!
Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up. That guy creeps me out. - Hello, Peter. - Argh! (STUTTERING) Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you doing out here in all this snow? Just taking my rabbit to the vet.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one!
MAN ON TV: And now back to 1943's Fast Talking High Trousers. Well, isn't this a fine song and dance? What are you getting so hot about? Keep your shirt on. Where do you get off making remarks like that? Supposing I say you're a lunkhead? Well, I ain't much for supposing. Well, supposing you were? Well, maybe I'm through supposing and I fix to start figuring. Ah, horseradish. Well, aren't you a pocketful of firecrackers? Oh, yeah? You got something to say about it? I'll say plenty.
Oh. Oh, you want honest? You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!
Oh, for crying out loud. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) All right, period movie. Oh, not a period movie. (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) This guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. Come on!
You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty. (VOICE CRACKING) Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate. And then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douche bags.
Why is there a pen cap and no pen? You're the first person to recognize me in 2,000 years. Well, you seem like a nice guy. Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Okay, but I don't get off till 7:00. Great. We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone. MAN: (ON PHONE) Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over. And then, I just felt like something was wrong.
But it seems pornography has finally found its way to our neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.
Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you-- You can call me Mystique.
Mort Goldman! He's so clever! Show them, Morty!
- Uh, Anybody horny? - No.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Where is it? Keep looking! I can't find it anywhere. Keep looking! There's nothing but a fish tail down there. Keep looking! Oh, there we go. That's not it! It's gonna be!
(SNARLING) Enough. Stop it, both of you. You obviously have no respect for either of us. Yeah, you're acting all mean. Now I'm glad you made me face away during sex. Brian, you've been using me. You're right, Cheryl, he's just a user.
All right, we'll get on that.
None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub. Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock. And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of Makin' Whoopee while I shoot you with this BB gun. That doesn't sound safe. Action! (PIANO PLAYS) Another bride She looks so gay - Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip... - (BB GUN FIRES) - Ah! - (BB GUN FIRES) - Another... (SCREAMING)
Make me, Swanson! (ALL PANTING) Damn, he's slippery. You guys give up? What do we do?
Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins. Nellie here is a homemaker, and I'm a queer chaser and beater. Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically, they're all stubborn as a mule. No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose.
Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going into the inner city, and I'm gonna yell the "N" word. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) They respected me for saying it.
Yellow cake uranium Never mind the reason Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (GIGGLES) Doesn't this seem like too much stuff? Suck my dick, it's not enough! Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer Look who's talking.
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean?
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.
hey! What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy? Pop, why you gotta be like that? We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines. That's my boy. At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.
Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? Of course.
(LAUGHING) That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father. (IN DEEP VOICE) Punky... Punky! Punky, you have a dog named Brandon. Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man.
They're messing with my shows. Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
Like that one we put on Hollywood Squares. I'll take the dying boy to block. Ok, Jeremy, is there anything lower than absolute zero? Uh, Yeah. My white-cell count.
MAN ON TV: Damn, that motherfucker run fast. You see that shit? That thing come by my house, I kill it. (ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!
QUAGMIRE: No!
Nice to meet you. (STAMMERS) What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? - No, Griffin, she's deaf. - Oh. Can she read lips? Yes, I can. So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it. Sorry. It's okay.
ow! I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life. It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy. Aw, Man! She was beautiful. you know, this looks awfully familiar.
From now on, I, too, will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car. How much signal I need to cut across eight lane?
to bring you joy and laughter in tandem, to divert and dazzle is our intention, so sit back, relax and enjoy our invention. Ah, I love summer.
You son of a bitch.
Thank you, Lois. I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian... you look very handsome. Showtime!
(ROARS) That little rat-looking thing just got ate. Damn, Nature, you scary!
I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this. Trust me, Stewie. They'll know. They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.
(GASPS) Chris, what are you doing? Give me that! (LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING) Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.
I didn't get raped. Okay?
Oh, my God, Peter. There are thousands of lottery tickets here. Where did you get the money for all these? Simple. I took out a second mortgage on the house. What? Peter, this is idiotic. Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one. Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people?
Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool Because Mintos puts the fresh in life Taste that freshness, Just can't beat it Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker.
I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!
Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley. Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. What the-- I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers.
You just knocked out cable T.V. for the whole town! Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot! Whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.
Some say love It is a river That drowns The tender reed Some say love
Carter, hand me my thinking grenades. Where did you get these? (SHUSHING) Carter, I'm thinking. - (EXPLOSION) - Uh-huh. MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead! That might work. What's happening?
It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
(DRUM ROLL) (DIVE BOARD RATTLES) Ah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! (SCREAMING)
How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Swimming hole! Thanks, Ollie.
Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world.
I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport.
LOIS: Stewie, rise and shine. Good morning, Stewie.
Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!
I know you just can't wait to stare at all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra-boomin', all-consumin' Poorly groomin' Down's Syndrome girl
but this is serious. You're a fraud. I am not. I'll tell you who's a fraud. Mr. Spock. Mr. Sulu, set a course for... One moment, Captain. They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery. FEMALE VOICE: Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72.
Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? (GRUNTS) Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. (KING OF THE HILL THEME PLAYING)
Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way. He won a local Emmy for his work with the retardeds.
I love you. Fuck off.
How you doing tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store and one go one way and one go the other way, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? (AUDIENCE BOOING) You stay out my store! All you stay out my store.
Ahh!
This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we will hear your opening statement. Hey, everybody. Today's the big day. That's all, Your Honor.
Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket.
Don't move! Hold it! Freeze! Stop! Wait! No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why!
I can't believe we have to live here. No, This sucks! Ugh, Tell me about it. I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage-fest. Come on, kids, we've been through worse. Meg, you--you remember when you found out your gynecologist never finished med school? All right, Meg, let's take a look at that bergina.
You can have me.
I'm having a great time, Stewie. Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here... but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience. All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now. What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why. Really? You don't know why?
So then I'm reading the funnies, and right before I get to the last panel, Billy blurts out, he goes, "You know, those firemen showed up to get a cat out of the tree, "but it turns out it's really Marmaduke up there." It ruined the whole damn thing! Peter, in Billy's defense, the strip is called Marmaduke, and Marmaduke had not yet made an appearance.
You kids are gonna love this. England has such a rich heritage of great theater. (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum? Treaches on the upper with the trang sang. Croppers to you, you crang sang Iubber. She rogered the boogley!
So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night. She was taking the rap for a friend. Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo.
Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore.
I don't know about that, Dad. And besides, what's up with that 15 minute runtime? What is that? That's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, tune me in to that. Oh, so you do know the show! I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
My God. It's miraculous. Fuck. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
Now, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber. Here I am! We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join? Osama!
Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again. Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?
(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no! Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it. That's nasty.
Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall! I'm on it, Meg. Have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the... Then top it off with A...
Hey Lois, Have you seen my fake beard?
I'm sure, deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way. Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois, none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
You know, he's a dirtbag, but I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.
Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Man! This is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin. I love you.
ahh! Ahh-- Ahh-ahh! I'm gonna need these by Friday. Ooh, Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the-- Ahh!
You folks got a towel?
(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING) I need you to go down to 54th and Main, talk to the suspect's wife. While you're there, see if you can get a sample of his hair to match his DNA. All right. I'm on it.
Hello, Alaska! Adam! Carol?
Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?
Has been too lonely Has been too lonely - And the road - And the road Has been too long Has been too long And you think And you think That love is only That love is only
Ahh!
"You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today "and you ought to be able to get "your friends to see how things ought to be. "You're on the ball and you know it." There you go. You just proved my point. That's 100% accurate. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn. And that last sentence was just a panel from Doonesbury. I hate that strip.
Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control.
(GASPS) Wow! Look at me. I'm a young Eartha Kitt. (SNARLS) "President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia. "It's an unwinnable war."
All right, we're gonna do it once more. (ALL GROANING) And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four. ALL: Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you
I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal. Face.
- Get out! Get the hell out! - Screw you, Gary! Yeah, if you did that more often, maybe I wouldn't need these paintings! What the hell you looking at?
Blasphemy!
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.
Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements. And don't think I don't know who you are.
Shut up, Dad. Whatever. So, Chris, how are all your friends at school?
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH) Will you shut up? You shut up, man! It's a comedy! ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring, ring, ring. (SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)
Smoke!
(IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE) Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.
MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen. Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No. Walk with me. I want you to get some milk. Where? Now? At the store. Right now. Any store? Bloomie's? Any store. Is that a joke? What do you think? I think we need milk. I think you're right. You know, I never get tired of hearing that. Should I go get the milk? Go get the milk.
(YELLING) Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2Pac?
Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?
What were you doing with my girl? Huh? Oh! Oh, jeez! She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm standing here going, "What the hell." Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Ha! Wh-What's the problem, B.K.? I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again!
Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole Hey, take those sneakers off. No! Take them off, I said! No!
(SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my!
I'm trying to read! (GROANS) What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something?
NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition. Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.
Yeah, what the hell? You should be out there arresting the real criminals. Like switchblade-wielding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk. Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?
Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes.
- Stewie, hey. - Hey, there. So, it's been 24 hours. - Got my money? - You know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you. That's funny. I could have sworn I said have it today. - Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. - Well. All right, then. That's good OJ. (SCREAMING)
Turn it on and rip the knob off. You're listening to the radio. Sir, I'm very sorry. That was this guy I know. He thinks he's hilarious. He is hilarious. I was on my way in here to cancel your show,
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, are you all right? (SINGING GIBBERISH)
Oh, this must be your lovely wife. (CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this for years. (MOANING) I want you to wear me like a pinky ring.
Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog. (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Engage!
Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that!
Hitler! Hitler!
Wow. What... - What's all this? - This? I just came from work. - I'm a secret agent astronaut millionaire. - Cool. Where'd you get the cowboy hat? Space.
Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Wait. You hungry? Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world. Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.
Hey! You get just a few more of those.
I want to get back on the motorcycle. I told you. It's out of gas. Why isn't the time machine working? I don't know, Mort. I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie.
Arriba! (MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING)
I'll be there. You be there, too, you little faggot.
You're starting to piss me off! It's right here.
Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound.
(FLASH GORDON THEME PLAYING)
Shit. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you.
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
All right, I'm putting our names in. Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. (GROANS) Put Rock Kickass. I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. For mine, put Dirk Diggler. I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator. I have to pee. Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please. (SIGHING) Okay.
All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Those are so his mannerisms. Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell? Oh, You like that? Yeah. Hey!
This place is like a ghost town half the time.
Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets after battling the rancor.
What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!
Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. I don't know about that, Dad.
There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There 's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
Consuela? Hey, it's Brian. I'm looking for Stewie. No, no baby aqui. I peed in your soup. Happy 15th birthday. Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world. Stewie, I've been worried sick. What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me?
You've got your G chord right here
I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)
I'll tell you what's happening. Your steroids have worn off. You're weak like everyone else. And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now. Stay away from me! Stay away from me! Stewie, no! (ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING ROCKY) And now here's something we hope you'll really like.
Vaginal intercourse is... It's just tops. It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right. Oh, my God! I mean...
10, 9, 8... This is it! ...6, 5, 4... Hold on tight! ...3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!
You're an old bag. You're blind. Your vomit tastes weird. You don't even know why you're here. You chose to be on The Hills. You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet. (SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him!
Well, Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Jeez, Lois, I th-- I thought you'd be proud of me. After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Aw, just Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get.
Look. Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So? That means Susie's been un-born. Oh, my God. Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie. Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.
All right, try it again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified. Aah! I don't want to play the piano! Indeed. Would you rather play the bassoon? aah! No experience? No, thanks.
Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this? We agreed on a $20 limit. We set a cap, you jerk.
Good night, sweetie. Mommy loves you. STEWIE: Yeah, you better get some rest. You've gotta get the mail tomorrow. (YAWNS) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Huh? (BANGING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING)
(IN DEEP VOICE) And get some rest...
COMMENTATOR 1: And Mickelson here, trying to save par, and there's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot. COMMENTATOR 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you. COMMENTATOR 1: They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth? COMMENTATOR 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying. COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her. COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah, you're right.
Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food. Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.
Of course I do, my dear. Now, would that be cash or check? Drop by Cherrywood this evening. I'll have the money wired to me from my... Mmm. Swiss bank account. Ah, Very good, sir. You don't have a Swiss bank account! Right. My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don't work out.
we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.
It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!
You've got till 5:00. You hear me? You got till 5:00. - You freaking psychopath! - Clean yourself up.
WOMAN: Sit down! MAN: Move. Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady. Mmm! All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it. Dear Rolfe, stop.
You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this good will just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!
this cock. Yes, The Rhode island Cock Society Will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went the suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane?
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light I bet money you'll marry a honey who's pretty and funny and her name'll be Ted oh, A gay joke. I just work with what you give me.
But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Peter, Stewie's not in the car! Oh, my God! We must have left him at home!
We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have Anything on that remote lower than mute? I got a surprise for you, Chris. Ah, jeez, It'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes "aay." Aay! Take that, 1950s society! Ok, let's go.
(PHONE RINGING) Griffin residence. Peter speaking. Oh, yeah? Why should I? Yeah? Well, get someone else to bail you out, 'cause it ain't gonna be me. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming!
Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. That new boss has it in for me. He's meaner than a shifty salesman. You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried.
Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Oh, No. Early on, he did caricatures. Uh, Ok, Tim. Uh, Who's your favorite sports star? Uh, Reggie Jackson. Ok, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?
Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.
Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Here she comes now. Yoo-hoo, baby! Oh, no!
Stewart, darling. Hello. What? That's how they do it in Europe. Now, get out of here! Go sit in the car and agree with yourself while you listen to NPR.
(MONITOR BEEPING IN BILL COSBY'S VOICE) My company makes no such thing.
That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks. It works! Look how tiny they are! Ooh!
I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian.
" wish I had no bones! Done.
I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.
What's that, like an iPad?
Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax. Oh, relax? Oh, okay. Oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire. You know it's not fun when you're like this.
But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good! Are you ready, Brian? I guess so. Stop! Brian, come quick! Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! Well, Then whose are they?
on your poop deck.
But suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. Look, there's our house! (LAUGHING) Look how gaily we run!
Peter, are you winking at me? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
Gambling is illegal in this town. - Says who? - Says me. You got a problem with that? I'm not really sure. Kind of waiting for you to exhale. (EXHALES) Actually, yeah. I do have a problem with that.
Great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation! This sucks! Now, every time I come back to this place, it's going to be associated with one particular bad memory. Actually, we could call Quagmire and Cleveland. They can go over and check on Stewie. They'd probably even be willing to look after him till we got home. Well, okay. I guess so. Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.
I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now. We now return to The Scooby Doo Murder Files. Gee whiz, gang. The killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river! Jinkies! What a mystery! You're right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
MAN ON PA: Mesdames et monsieurs, all the way from America, please welcome Miss Charlotte Rae! (GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS PLAYING) Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett! Girls, girls, girls!
(RUSTLING PACKAGING) Uh, uh... snacks are best saved for later. (FARTING) (BURPING) (PANTING) (FARTING)
drink my suds till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free you're just renting it from me
Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. I'll show you inky! Let's see if they fit, hmm? Never! Ha, ha, ha! Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire!
Yeah. That felt good, dropping me hard on the couch like that. Here's A couple of Tylenol. OH, Great. Tylenol. Yeah, I asked for Advil. But, you know, tylenol, whatever. That's good. I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do? YEAH. Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained anklE.
Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here. You win. All right. What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Hey, Man. Your clock won't flush. I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. Don't feel bad, Peter. Oh, Gee. I never thought of it like that.
Hey! How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Oh, Screw it. I tried.
then I am gonna run like the 6 Million Dollar MAN. We can rebuild him. We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money.
But I sent you away Oh, Quagmire You kissed me And stopped me from shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire God, he's so talented. You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them.
You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! It's a travesty! Joe, stop it! And I will kill you! You bastard! Come on. Okay, get him out of here. We hired a sitter for this! Get him out of here. Come on, Joe. Guys, keep his anus above his head. Okay, okay. All right, all right.
Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone? Put me through to the Pentagon. Do you know What sound a cow makeS? Don't toy with me, ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've 6 armed men outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it? Can you count to 3?
Good as new. Oh, come on!
(EXCLAIMING)
Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see PhiladelphiA? I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS.
But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is $2 and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them. MAN ON PHONE: Drakkar Noir. (LINE CLICKS) These guys are serious. Lois, Meg's dead!
So, somehow the lightning gave your dad the power to turn anyone I touch into Robin Williams. Good. I can ask him how he got his RV stuck on the tip of a mountain. Peter, did Dr. Hartman say how long this was gonna last? There is no more Dr. Hartman, Lois. He's Robin Williams now.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish!
For god's sake. If I wanted to marry Lola Falana, I would have. Look, Lola. This whole thing is just going way too fast for me. For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!
You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act? No! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em. It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it.
(WOMAN SCREAMING ON MACHINE) Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me!
What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah! CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser! All right, let's do it.
Not too bad.
Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois. Well, that's a relief. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief. Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house. This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.
- Really? - Yeah, really. I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you. She is doing just fine without you. Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over. All right, but don't take too long. It'll drain the battery. Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery.
Well, it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away. Except for my old Allan Sherman record. If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split. There's a lot of Jews out there still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam. That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar.
Rita, this is Lois. Lois, Rita. So great to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Perfect. Everyone hits it off. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be out in a minute. Okay, sweetie. Well, you met her. What do you think? (SNICKERING) What? What do I think? She's 100!
Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent! Sweet. Hey, Let me try. Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Ah! Ugh! Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!
Name something you find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom, find in your bathroom... Richard, I'm gonna go with "fetus in the toilet bowl." Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!" Play or pass? We're gonna play. Oh, this must be your lovely wife.
and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling.
Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up?
They'll come after you, like Peter went after that hockey coach. Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope. Okay. You can't leave, Brian.
JEFF: Where is she? QUAGMIRE: She's not here! QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! JEFF: I'll get out when I'm finished! (THUDDING) You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah. I'm not deaf.
Just let me get my purse and we can go. Wow, she seems great! We're getting along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!
That truck's coming up on us awful fasT. Holy crap! Do you see what I see? I'm afraid I do! We're being chased by ghosts!
It's... (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING) (ANNOUNCER READING)
I'd like to propose a toast. to our neighbors. Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but, hey, if they moved out, some smelly Hawaiians might move in. Hear, hear! Hey, Where's Quagmire? Yeah, If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived.
I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number "6." Okay. Okay. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. Grover. You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.
Now that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all.
I went back into the dining room and got the knife.
(SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
Hey, there, son, mind if I have a seat? Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down. - Did you do the best you could? - No. I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.
Here you go. Meet your new friends. Uh, Hi, I'm Lois. I'm Fisty, that's Stabby, and that's Balls. Pull up a chair, we're playing cards. Oh. Ok. So, are those biblical names? Yeah, Fisty is.
Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
Like that time I outfarted Michael Moore. - Hi, there. - How are you doing?
So, listen, we're gonna want to be leaving now. Why? Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match. We've got about five seconds.
And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, "Meg."
Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger? But now on to the cancer. Oh, my God!
Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. (THROWING VOICE) Play that same song. All right, same song, here we go. (STAR WARS CANTINA MUSIC PLAYING)
After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! Wow. The business world sure is funny. Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo.
First place goes to Spooner Street. We won! All right!
You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. If only there was some way I could be like everybody else again.
You folks want some pancakes? No, thank you.
Hey, Peter.
And, in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris. Oh, Come on. That sucks! Do you want us to pull over? I don't care what you do! oh, We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.
Come have sex with me.
Oh, thank God. MAN: And now, our feature presentation, Adrien Brody Doing Sit-ups in 3D. One. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) Two. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS)
Well, it may be popular, but I have to say I agree with Arianna. I think it's actually quite harmful. Did you... When did you say that? I just did. I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it. (LOUD LAUGHTER)
oh, Look how cute he is! He must be one of the teachers' babies. Oh, He wants to be a cheerleader, too.
If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms. You are all expected for dinner at 8:00. STEPHANIE: Oh, good! I'm starved! QUAGMIRE: Settle down, will ya?
I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? (LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM) (SPLATTERING) (TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES) Uh-oh.
(GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!
Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
I had sex with her!
I got a great lawyer, and he says, worst case, eight to 12 years. And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. (TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH SCREAM) (CAR CRASHING) Goodbye, terrible women.
A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so... (BB GUN FIRES) Ow! Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha. What the hell, Peter? You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you! And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne yes? No.
Damn!
We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. What's the scene, Ollie? Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky. (DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)
No way! Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. Hic-a-doo-la!
Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. Push her out. We can't leave her alone. Push the bitch out.
Name six more.
Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. No! No, no! Not again! (ALL CLUCKING)
Deliver me from my greatest enemy. His name is Peter. More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such a... Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it.
we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.
There's something I always wanted to ask you. You were with a lot of girls. Did you ever get a sexual disease? Herpes twice. And the clap. aay!
A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.
No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird. Really? MAN: We're filming! Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.
WOw, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house. Hi. Can we use your phone? Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!
Non-existence. No past, no future. No universe. But still somehow a large, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show. Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh. That's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.
What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"? You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy. Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an asshole.
Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?
yeah! In your ... face, ...!
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you!
A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... Kahn! Kahn!
Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push! Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard! (SCREAMING) Okay, here we go. Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first. And here's the baby.
This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year. She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses. Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We're gonna be living together? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In the same dorm? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) For the whole year? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With my chimp sidekick? Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it?
Peter? Peter? Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. It's the best show you're not watching. I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.
Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no. No, please, not this. Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... Oh, dear God... What the hell? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Dad, I'm scared.
Coming here was a huge mistake, Lois. Peter, I know you're humiliated, but getting drunk is not the answer. Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up. (CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. There's the Washington Monument. There's the Obama Monument.
We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world. Greetings, loyal minions. (GASPS) Stewie? Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Senor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV. Now get in the damn shower!
and I shall raise my young in this room alone. Peter, you're being an idiot. Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing. Oh, is it? (CLANKING) I died! I died! Peter, you can't stay up here.
I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it. That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla. She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side. So I seized the moment.
That was strangely arousing. Ow!
Ooh, Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. What the devil do you mean, "watching"? Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake.
I can't believe you gave up our show. Yeah, sorry. I wonder who they got to replace us. - It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate... - And the Rod. MAN: In Rod we trust. WOMAN: 97.1. Giggity Giggity Goo.
God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.
Make those characters a little more three-dimensional. A little richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages... really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue. Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one. Yeah, I look forward to reading it.
What are we watching? Glee?
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no! MAN: Oh, no! (EXCLAIMS) Aah!
Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! Hey. I fucked your dad.
Brian, they love it. What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell did you do to it? We hired a couple of writers to come in and punch it up a little bit. Brian, we love this project. Just love it. But don't ask us to marry it. JK, LOL. I might do it. Gross, no way! But, maybe. And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads.
I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!
Yeah, Dad, what did you mean? Don't you like us? Yeah, what gives? Well... Come on. I didn't mean that. I was just joking around. Hey, give me a big hug. How about a big hug for old Dad? Kids, why don't you go upstairs, so your father and I can talk. Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris. Let's get out of here.
Second of all,
You know, he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles. I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say, son, what do we got brewing in here? I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices... (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLES) Look at that boy, running all around like a chicken with its head cut... Wait a minute.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown. It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things. What kinds of things? I don't even want to talk about it. (HORN HONKS)
(MURIEL SCREAMING) Oh, my God! (ALL GASPING) Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel!
You bastard!
You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a-- Peter! Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
Ow! Ow! Tittie twister! Ow! Hurts!
When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright But now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say goodnight (SHOUTING) So say good morning (YELPS) Good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through
I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. Come on, your dad deserves another chance. Wow! You are smart! All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!
Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary.
My God! That doesn't look good. God. That elf getting killed gave them all erections.
You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like 'em! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em. You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter. Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family!
BRIAN: What the hell? Stewie, get out here!
Oh, you've got to hear this new Eddie Murphy cassette I bought. EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, did you ever have a barbecue? I have!
laugh 'n' cry He's a family guy I have no friends, and it's all because of this stupid purse!
There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit!
It's raining sideways. Sounds rough, Ollie. You have an umbrella? Had one. Where is it?
You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up? (SCREAMS) (THUDS) Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.
Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
There's only one thing to do, Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women. And in time, our differences will be forgotten. Call the damn exterminator!
And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. $50,000 for what? To keep your mouth shut! And Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
A-a-ahh! Thanks, SPIDER-MAN. Everybody gets one.
Bill, shut up, I got it. MAN ON PA: Number 32. Oh, no, our pizza's ready. Tag out, man, tag out. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah, ah, ah, yeah
Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmas time. heh! Check the balls on Uncle CharliE Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. Hey, Why don't you take Joe along?
Oh, wow! Diane Simmons! You don't look anything like the ad. You better be huge. No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents The King and I," a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story. Look, pal, some 2-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star?
Quick, Brian! Get down!
Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. Wow! That was great!
Well? What do you see? Oh, Jem, you are truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. I see a grown man enjoying cartoons.
If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain.
Hey, ladies. You mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes. Stewie, what is that on your lip? I drew a pencil moustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?"
You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and... It seems to work out for them. So... Hintedy-hint-hint.
"And on the sixth day, God said: "'Let the Earth bring forth the living creatures and-'" Bible fight!
Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, Sandra Bullock gets two years later. What the fuck?
I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber. Young girls love him, but he makes real music that... Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
It's almost midnight. We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.
That's my dodge ball pseudonym. Look, if you won't take me, I'm sure the New York Theater League would send a car. New York Theater League? Why? Because they're throwing a welcome dinner in my honor. Really? Well, I guess I could clear my schedule. Oh, you won't regret it, Brian. All the most important Broadway people will be there. Playwrights, money men, even Stanley Kowalski.
My favorite part before the Queen arrives is yelling "Wanker!" at Prince Charles as he passes. Wanker! Wanker! I know, I know. Wanker! Wanker! Yes, I know. Yes. Wanker! You're a wanker! Wanker! Right, quite right. Spot on. He's got it.
But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Luck-luck-luck lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A family Guy lucky there's A lucky there's A he's A family Guy in the house
Get 'em off. Put them back in the hive! Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive. All right, Quagmire, bring 'em over here. (SCREAMING)
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster. I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in. You're about to have a neat day.
What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. "Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!
Hello, Griffin. Hello, Angela. You know, Angela, I've been thinking about it, and I want to have sex with you now. Really? Giggity. Yeah, but I want to just do it through my zipper, all right? I don't want to have to take off all my clothes, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body.
(SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
Whoa, Quahog looks beautiful from up here. Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. Feels kind of like something I was meant to fly, you know.
Well, we just wanted to... Are you still there, dear? Damn it! So, how was the... It's been rather cold. The pond froze over a family of raccoons. All right, well, merry Christmas. Are you there, dear? Dad, can we hear more of that story about the baby Jesus?
That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine! Please come in.
MARY HART: Celebrating birthdays today, IG-88 turns 27, Lando Calrissian is 42, and "I Don't Like You, Either" Guy is 63.
Hey, watch it there. Good show, old chap. Well played.
There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window.
Well, y'know, When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical. But then I thought, hey! I could be like Hillary Clinton. Only, y'know without the penis.
and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Well, yeah, but double 10 people is, like, 20 people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know? Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch. I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC,
One of these days, Alice. One of these days... Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon. Oh.
Who are you dressed as, Peter? I'm Laura Bush. And I'm the guy she killed. That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy. Laura Bush killed a guy.
(LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show? Peter, put me down. I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?
Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say
He left. Pretty sure he left. Isn't that his truck? Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggie hell. (LAUGHING) (DOGS YELPING)
Freezing my nips off out here. Oh, Look. There's Meg. Meg! Meg! Meg! Hi, Meg. Here we go.
WOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. - Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? Maybe we should get new roommates. Yeah, maybe we should.
(SPANISH SHOW PLAYING ON TV) Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform? No. No. Is no...
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, hey, it's Tom! Tommy! Hey, hey, I hear you took that black chick home. Hey, hey, you're welcome.
Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you doing here? I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you. It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
undefinedWhat is that? " got this from Dharma and Greg. - l'm surprised there's anything left in it. - Whoa! Enjoy.
I like you and have no reason not to. I like you and have no reason not to. Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? (ALL YELLING) There you boys are. How was your meeting?
MADAME CLAUDE: With Griffin Peterson exiled to the New World and Lady Redbush believing he was dead, King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand.
So you got a tank, big whoop. Want to fight about it?
Again recapping our breaking news, longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody. His whereabouts are currently unknown. News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo, if you can believe that. (SHOUTING SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH) Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house, an event that will most likely be canceled in the future.
Crap!
CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that."
Wait. One last question. If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done IT? Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?
Yeah. We were gonna share it. Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. For a pencil topper? I have to pee again. That's it. Goodbye. Fuck!
(GASPS) FEMALE VOICE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency? Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed by an Imperial walker and I need roadside assistance. Of course, sir. Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar? Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar. (HOARSELY) It's a trap.
You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
I don't want to talk to you. Get out!
MAN ON TV: And now back to Round Table, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog. Rezoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens. If I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out... You've had your time. Let someone else speak. I haven't said a word. It was that guy. Don't look at me. I can't get a word in edgewise. Well, then who the hell's been talking this whole time? (ALL CLAMORING)
Isn't she beautiful, Brian? The Duke boys would be proud, Peter. Yeah, And you got to get in through the window, like this. Ok. Now you. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead.
When is it Stewie's turn, you know? I voted for McCain.
Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? I don't know. What do you call it? A promotion. Oh, Thanks. Here's a memo. Well, Sometimes the business world's funny.
We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. Trisha, what can you tell us? Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.
and you want to chase us down the street as we're pulling away, you know where to find us.
Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!
All the greatest... All the greatest moments of my life, I spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word. Bart jumping that canyon. Mr. Plow. All the greatest moments of my life. Why is Label Guy trying to punch me?
Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex. There we go. I made a swan. Stewie's a good leader. I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum. In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts.
I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! No, serious! Stop! Stop! - I hate you, bees! I hate you, bees! - Stop! All right, that's enough, that's enough. Get 'em off.
Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson!
I don't believe it. Are we really stuck in space? Oh, God, what if we have to live up here for the rest of our lives? I'm gonna miss drinking at The Clam. I'll tell you what I won't miss. That waiter who thinks he has to be funny. Yes, I'd like the chopped salad, please. And could I get no onions on that? Hmm. I've got a few connections in the back. I'll see what I can do.
the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now, let's go to our five day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie? Space weather. Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay with us.
Peter, we can't do it. You're too heavy. PETER: Keep going. You're almost there. I found a rock I like.
Oh, look out. Champagne. Peter, stop. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. (EXCLAIMING)
Hey, you take bankcards?
Dad, are you-- Go to your room, elroy! But what happened? Go to your room!
Hey, you guys!
Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.
You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick.
Mmm! Lois, your torso is so broad and solid. (SPITS) (COUGHS) Ahhh! You're not Lois! I can hear you. I'm not deaf. I don't believe that's real sign language. Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams.
Men, form up Crippletron!
Look what the Lynches gave us. A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger. You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard. There is only another fist. That's ridiculous. Chuck Norris?
Hey, can you help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat. What's moose stuff? Whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake. And everything in between. Get in.
Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. Now I want more.
Huh? What the... What the hell? How do you like it, huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute. Are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here.
I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for "when he joins the rodeo." Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing.
Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes, and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella. (LAUGHING) Yes! That ought to wake people up! Shut the fuck up.
(CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Enjoy your new home. He's gone, you guys! I had him! That was our one chance! He was right there in my grasp, and now I've lost him forever. God, you two are so Ross and Rachel.
For last time, Joe no want. (SCREAMING)
I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon. Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects. Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'. Check it out, I have a cool bag, too, and it has a dog in it just like yours. Hi, Paris, I'm Meg. I met Larry King. Name-dropper.
Do it again, Griffin. Come on. I just did it, like, five times. Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like It's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you But I have to charge Look, honey, with all due respect,
You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!"
You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first?
Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going. (IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.
How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified. Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!
Aw, Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, Like diamonds.
I'm having a great time, Stewie.
Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!
Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, on to you. So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh? Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. (SCREAMING) There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
I wanna sa-- I am so freaking wasted! Splendid. How delightful it Will be to have mother back. I heard thaT. Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Hey, Lois, I got a joke for you.
The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here!
Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
Fuck you. Who else but Quagmire?
And now this. Look at that. In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. Really? I don't know. I'm just bored.
But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa? Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out. Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the K.I.S.S. Copter! Yay!
Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.
You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy. You really think so, Brian? I know so. All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night. Sperm finding a fertile egg. You refusing to do what a sane woman would do. You got him, Meg. You got him for life. Thanks, Brian.
Oh, my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "Ooooo." Peter, those are Cheerios.
Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,
Do you think I'll ever find the right woman? Oh, God! I-- Yes, man! Come on! Dude, you're great!
Meningitis! I'm a carrier. Gonorrhea! Patient Zero. You're gonna have to do better than that. I don't know, Joe. That's it. We're out of known diseases. Unless...
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion. Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion,
She's hot.
You want to fight that lady's boobs?
So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." All right, moving on--
Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no. You do not understand. Until you have a child... Until you have a child, you do not understand. - Okay? - Jesus.
Platinum-plated silverware Just one day when kids don't stare It's all I really want for Christmas this year! (GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays!
And she does because the only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum (FARTING) You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing self-possessing, no BS-ing
(BEEPING) There we go. All done. (SHORT-CIRCUITING) (DISTORTED) Miley smash!
Here's your baby. She's beautiful. (SNIFFLING) Isn't she, sweetheart? She sure is, Joe. It's hard to believe she's already 18.
but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff,
God, you are so cool Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?
Dottie Campbell. Oh! What am I doing? Come here! Watch my hands, Lois! Look, look! See where they are? See? No touchie!
Who? Bazooka Joe? There you gO. Ah, The United Nations. Oh, I wish Chris could see this.
I want a divorce!
You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck? Shut up. That's a real thing.
- Yeah. - They've never done that. LOIS: Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! At looks like the back of a tanker truck. Allow! What do you think's inside? Maybe it's candy! - Chris, no! - Lois, Lois, let him dream.
I told you not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... (YODELING) Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson? Peter, put him down right now. Beat it, Lois. Peter, stop it. Joe is your friend. Shut up, you nerd. Hey. Peter, look at yourself.
Okay, okay, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening. Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I! Hey, can my sister come? No! She'd ruin it!
Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane. 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast. You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. Too late. No, it's not.
I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done Ding, fries are done I gotta run, I gotta run I gotta run, I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat
Hey, hey, Lois!
Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money.
Is Chris still doing chores for that disgusting old man? Meg, that's not nice. Old people have a lot to offer society. Just look at Kim Catrall. (MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go.
(GUN COCKING) (KIDS SCREAMING) If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays!
and you can hear the mice humping in the wall. (MICE MOANING) MOUSE: That was so awesome!
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog Police Force to Cartagena, Colombia, to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder. More on that later. Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
Oh, It sounds like you don't want to go home. Are you running away? Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing! You know, son, running away never solves anything. You're getting to be a big boy now. And part of growing up means facing your problems head on. Hmm, The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.
Who--wh--wh-- Who are you?
Stewie, what does Peter have on his bookshelf? Uh, 2 Garfield books and the novelization of the movie Caddyshack. "Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis."
When Michael J. Fox is in the bathroom, turning into a werewolf for the first time and his dad's knocking on the door and he is freaking out and he opens the door and his dad's a werewolf, too. Gold star. I would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game, where the guy in the crowd has his dick out. What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end. Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background,
All right, everybody. I'll be back in a week. - Brian, look after the family. - Aye, aye. Chris, don't pick your bum. No promises. Meg, if you get intimate with a guy, make him wear this. Dad, that's a garbage bag. Don't you mean a condom? Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--
It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing. I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly
Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.
Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista. What's the worst that could happen?
Ah! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up. Can you get him?
You suck, man. (LAUGHING) PETER: Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show?
Happy birthday! Aw, I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh, My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you?
Jesus Christ, everybody! We'll be right back with Joss Stone. Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh! This guy is gonna be huge.
Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life Mintos, the Freshmaker. These commercials are stupid. They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Totally ineffective. Must kill LincoLn.
Yeah, I'll have a.... Is this thing on? A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally.
Indeed I am.
All right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?
Don't worry, Brian. I'll come up with something. Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls.
- And look at us, we're a disaster. - Eh. Watch it. You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way. Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin. You're a waste of a man. Wait a second,
Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today. Already? Seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave but can't figure it out. FLY: Okay, now where now?
If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them? I got hit by a baseball!
(BEEPING) Well, the airplane got her. Oh, no. It wasn't the airplane.
Fuck!
So, uh, call my, uh... Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. Me--Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks. Tell him it sucks! Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid.
Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes. Oh, come on. You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!
They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way.
You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Coffee? One Gump or two? - Ho-ho! - Ho-ho!
Yeah. He was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half coming out of her. It's true. I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs. Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him. Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.
No! You wanna know how many times I've been laid since last night? 60! Why? 'Cause I'm not trying to be a girl's Prince Charming. I'm trying to be that big mistake they made at the bar last night. Look, what's the first thing you say to a woman when you meet her? "Pleased to meet you. That's a handsome scarf pin." No! You say, "Hi, there! "How's your relationship with your father?"
Hey, Meg, happy birthday. You're the coolest. Well, then what are all the cars doing out there? Oh, they must be for Mort's party. Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop. Ow! Okay, let's eat. I'm really sorry about this, honey. It looks like nobody's coming.
Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy. I think Betty White is in PETA. That doesn't even make any sense!
Nice try. - Quadruped. - MutanT.
I was totally humiliated at school today.
Now, I'm just gonna vamp for a while with some random noises. Hee-hee! (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) (MAKING RANDOM NOISES) Okay, good night, Peter. Good night, Dave.
(RINGS) Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy. We're gonna pull you out of that school.
I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni. Ah! You got all those references in there. Of course, now everyone can afford health care because of Obama. Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news.
I faked all my orgasms.
- Dad! - Fat-ass!
Both of the pilots were killed. But Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black star of such films as Nashville and 5 Easy Pieces, was on board. Our Hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again that, given the opportunity, actresses over 50 can land large aircraft. Karen Black. What an obscure referencE!
Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Oh, well, that's only fair, because after all, I did hide him from the... What?
It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit. Okay, take it easy, man. No, fuck you, Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. Fuck you. Fuck the both of you! I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian. This is a bunch of shit. Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!
What? Mom, that's you!
(EXHALES) Mom? Yeah, we won. Yeah, we won the battle. Yeah, I'm calling, like you asked. Okay. Okay. Okay, but I gotta go. I got other stuff to do.
One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth ii gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." in a late-breaking development,
A ttention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all. Give me that. Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like?
(ALL GASPING) No! No, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans. Well, you haven't heard what the movie is about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold,
Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own.
Oh, He's behind the door! Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something. Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his asS. Don't go in there! Peter! All right. All right. Give me a Kleenex. I knew he was bad. I knew...Aah!
JOE: (CALMLY) Well, Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement the other day. Second of all,
You know what's cool? Lois let me stay up till 7:30 last night to watch Phineas and Ferb.
(GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there. What? No. No, I don't have one of those. Just the wrist thing. No, it's in there. Did you go swimming last week? Yes. Did you pee in the river? Yes. You got one. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Son of a bitch.
You know how much time I've spent on the ocean. Wilson! What are we gonna do now? WiLson! WiLson! My name is Voit, dumb ass.
(GIBBERING) I... I can't... I can't believe... (GIBBERING) (SCREAMING) I don't know, Doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter. Your husband murdered three children.
Ok, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT?
Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire. And I'm doing you, Loretta. What the hell?
Peter, that's it! Hey, hey, Pull my finger. My pleasure. Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. Ah, Silent but lifesaving.
Wakey, wakey. KIDS: Good morning, Mother Maggie.
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird...
Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.
Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant? Hmm, by now I think it's in my lower intestine. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner. Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER RESONATES) (MAN CLAPPING)
CLEVELAND: Hi, Peter! Happy birthday. Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia. Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done. I'm gonna go mail this card. (DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)
Ok, Peter. Listen closely and tell us if this is a song by Icelandic vocalist Bjork or, the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Here we go. Well, Bill, that's gotta be Bobcat. Oh-oh, Sorry, that was Bjork.
Shit!
Maybe you could tell us another one. Well, all right. This is the story of Black Snake Moan. Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason... I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us? There just might be, Chris. There just might be.
Look, Peter. It's your favorite show. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey. Oh, Crap. Sorry, Lois.
- How does that possibly... - Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil.
(LORETTA SCREAMING) You're the devil! You ruined my marriage! You can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache Penis, ee-nay-chok!
As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. It's just... You're so attractive and it's been a while. I'm gonna go. You know, some people say that's good for your hair. WOMAN: Yeah, thanks.
This is worse than Seussical!
Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof. Sure, Peter. Apache Chief... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Well, that was the high point of my day. Guess I'll go gamble.
You know, we could just leave you here. Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish. Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. (CHUCKLES) Eat my ass, Brian. Don't you mean your assneck?
And I took a dump in the church confessional... which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first.
It's like something out of Stephen King! Ok. For my 307th book, uh... this couple is attacked by a... A... A lamp monster! Ooh. Ooh-hoo. You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it?
This is more exciting than that time me and my friends did mushrooms. This is gonna be awesome! You said it.
My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. - (FARTS) - Aah! Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you. - Dad, stop it! Peter's farts are coming to get you. Dad, come on! (SCREAMS) Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?
Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can! (THE GOLDEN TICKET PLAYING)
I slept on your back last night, you piece of shit.
Well, I... My wife is dead. Oh, I'm sorry. She's dead, chief. Ho-ho! Dead. The Grateful Dead. Please do not take the brown acid. It will turn you into a Martian. Take me to your wiener. Ho-ho! We're fucked.
Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay? What the hell happened to the stairs? They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
All the things that make us (PETER SCREAMING) - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No. No, I think you should call somebody. undefinedMa'am, are you all right? " can't breathe. Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung. Oh, damn it, look at my foot. It's already starting to swell up.
All right, kids, gather around. Time to make our yearly terrible call to Great Aunt Helen. (BUTTONS BEEPING) (PHONE RINGING) HELEN: Hello? Hi, Aunt Helen. It's Peter, Lois and the whole family. We're calling to say Merry Christmas. Peter's lowest what?
Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this. Wait a second. It's coming. There it is! Huh? Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R." This was hard! I did this for you!
Uh, No. That--That's why we're on the road. Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic. A Blanket. Potato salad. Chicken. A dead Lois. Uh, uh, Ok. We're gonna go with potato salad. Show me potato salad!
Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. Can I go out through here? - Just be back by bedtime. - Okay.
Yeah. I tell you, This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated. Oh, Don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You still live in exciting times. Oh, Crap! Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one!"
MAN: They did it again! CAROL: Who? MAN: The Family Man. CAROL: Is that the one with the fish? MAN: No, that's American Boy.
" am out. Huh? I am out. I have pleasured myself.
first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? No, you idiot! We said "money!" Show me "Picard's flute!" Peter, how did you... I was in the survey. Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!
Tony Robbins hungry!
Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married. You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? Barney, I'm in love with you. Suit up!
Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami. But don't worry. I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me!
All right, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone check in by team name, and I hope you all came up with cool team names. The Bush Men are here. The Pirates are here. The Tigers are here. We're also The Tigers. We're called Bad News. We're Lilo and Stitch. We're Boys to Men. Hey, Peter, look at this.
Come on. This thing goes up to 90. Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. HeY, Peter. My thing went off! Your thermostat ok? Yeah, it's all right. Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm!
Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here--Here. Look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this, Watch this. Hey? Uh? Look, see that? see that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Ok? Ok?
Much better than that time I experimented with gene splicing. Uh, Lois, quick question. Do we have any Tylenol?
Sorry, dude. Super Death. You're done.
Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. Good night. Not now, Abby.
No! No! Bad squirrel. (SQUEAKING) Those are my nuts. My nuts! You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts! (SNARLING) No. Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!
(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing.
So, as you can see, you are just over the line of mental retardation. Don't you mean, just under the line?
PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.
basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point. Well, you know, I mean, it does seem to be helping a lot of people, Bill. Well, "help" is a strong word. How does this help people, like, with cancer or in Darfur?
What the deuce?
What the... Who the hell are you?
He's dead. I forgot my purse.
Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me, too! I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.
Here. Watch the Teletubbies. How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. Ooh, Fuzzy. Tickle. God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, Dear God, please once morE!
You're going to jail, punk! No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him! Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. Well, if you're taking him to jail,
Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. - Home and cell. - Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say.
It's you I'm worried about. You're just a sweet young lady with her whole life ahead of her. This story could ruin your future, and I can't let that happen. I'll take the fall, no matter what. Goodbye, Meg. I'll always value your friendship. I love you, Mayor ChapStick.
Stay tuned for this and more. But first, Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is on hand for the opening of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel. Diane, I am standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside. Fancy place. Boy, that'd make some second honeymoon, huh?
Some hardcore shit, right? Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment and beyond?
Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay? Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just... I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching? ANNOUNCER: We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine. All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in 6,000,000 B.C.
Well, see you guys later. I got to go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.
We'll help you through With news and sports and weather We'll always be together We're with you through it all Channel Five Holy shit, that just turned out awful. Joyce, do your thing.
If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.
Jeez. Oh, man! - What? What is it? - Look at this. The number-one book on The New York Times bestseller list is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore. This is why nobody bought my damn book. You know, this is what they want. The Secret. Chicken Soup for the Soul. The Purpose Driven Life.
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
I think we look hot. Totally hot. Ugly bitches! (QUAGMIRE MOOING)
Just look at how they built the pyramids. They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.
And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed
Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. (MUSIC PLAYING)
Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe. I'm nowhere near your eye. Hey, Joe, open your eye. (BB GUN FIRES) (SCREAMING) Gotcha.
Yeah, sounds like a "you" problem. Let's go, Sox!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over. (BEEPING)
Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died.
Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week. A week! Aw, jeez! No, no, no, no, No! Please, God, kill me now. No, no, Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a--
haw! Oh! Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm blending in. Relax, Lois, It's not our house. Well, I'm glad you're having fun, but we need some money coming in. Have you thought about looking for a job? Yes, Lois, I have. But I've also thought about getting fired from that job. Is that something you really want to put our family through?
You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me. What? You cheated on me. That's what happened today. You can rationalize it any way you want, but to me, all that shows is that you're an immature guy who doesn't realize what a catch I am. I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go. - But, Rita... - Go!
PETER: At first, I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz.
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! No, no. No, no. Thi--This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus.
And Look how happy you've made everyone.
Remember when you gave up candy? I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory? No. I'm just asking-- Are you calling me a liar? I'm just saying-- Shut up, Wonka.
And tonight I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called Stand by Me, about four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found themselves and also a dead body. PETER: The year was 1955,
I hate being all strokey. This is all your fault, McBurgertown. You and your delicious hamburgers. I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy!
Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it. And you're a fat nobody, and I'm fucking Spider-Man, so how do you think I feel?
You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding. You may now kiss the bride. Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her. Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?
Damn these hands. (EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors.
while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night!
Last time I was in a dago bar I was drinking a beer in Little Italy. Go on, get out of here! Well, I can't stand this cold anymore. I'm gonna die. Oh! Well, it's probably for the best. There are way too many elderly comedians out here in the snow.
Pope! Pope! It's time to Get up and put on your hat. It's a stupid hat! Pope! All right, ok. God!
Love is all that I can give to you Love is more than just a game for two Two in love can make it Take my heart and please don't break it
So, you know, it's, like, both of us and our schedules, you know?
Holy crap! I am freaking out!
I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. I have AIDS. Promise me, Peter.
Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me.... Oh, my God! My insides are on-- No. No, please. No more, no more. No-- Dad, I'm scared.
lea ve me alone! f hate you! f hate you!
What? Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg. I love you, too.
Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. Oh, Man, I hate it when he tells this story. Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. Is that really the blood of Christ?
I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m.
I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing. So far, the only station that comes in is some British guys reading news from places I'm not sure exist. NEWSCASTER: Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre.
Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass!
Sometimes people fake being in a coma. This man's not. Unless, of course, the first punch knocked him out, in which case we won't know for some time. House. Roadhouse. That, too.
I got him! I got him! Right, kid. Don't get penisy.
(TRUCK BACKING UP) MAN 1: All right, let's get rid of all these trees. MAN 2: Once they're gone, this'll be a great place to raise cheap beef. - Up yours, Sting! - Yeah, yeah! Hey, what's that song he does that I hate? Uh, Desert Rose. Yeah, yeah, that song sucks. (ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)
So? What do you think? And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel...
I'd rather watch paint dry. (SEXY MUSIC PLAYING) Nice.
You lose! Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin. Wait over there.
Oh, Man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure.
Ok, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.
I want blue jeans. You're getting slacks!
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, we could light some candles and read. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, right. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, read the inside of my butt. We could tell stories. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born? Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth,
Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you. And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better. And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that. So thank you. Good.
Brian, this is a disaster. I turned everyone into Robin Williams. You gotta help me! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) Yo, yo, yo, Peter G. What's happening, dawg? Oh! Sideways Hat Robin. Dear God, no! (KETTLE WHISTLING) (SING-SONG VOICE) Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning. (SCREAMS) BOTH: Run, Forrest, run!
You just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has knitting, Chris has video games, Meg's learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Barkeep, Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person,
You know that essay about hope I had to write? Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President! Chris, that's incredible! Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore "and you'll do great things"? Well, this has been a big year for us.
Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner. God only knows what they're doing. Should we give Elmo a bath? Yeah. - Should we give Telly a bath? - Yeah! Should we give Ernie a bath? No. Ernie doesn't like the monsters.
Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!
Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!
In a minute, babe. I'm reading every high school newspaper in America to see if I'm mentioned. Oh, my God! Meg Griffin, you are so sued.
What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! Oh, Come on!
I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!
Fight! (SHOUTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING)
so I want to lay down a few ground rules. No cussing, clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed. Well, that sucks. And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis. No offense, Mr. Herbert,
Can I... Can I kiss you? Let me ask you this. Do my gray hairs bother you? What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me! (MOANING) Mom, I forgot my keys. Do you know where... Um. Rape? (SEINFELD THEME TUNE PLAYING)
Whoa, whoa. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story. (MAN READING IN GERMAN ACCENT)
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...
(EXAGGERATED KISS) Well, I haven't been to temple in a while. Ahhh! (ELECTRICITY SURGES) Ladies and gentleman, The Doors. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Ahhh! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty.
The--
I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow. Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.
I am vanquished.
(MALE VOICE) This is Patrick Stewart.
I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof. Come right in.
while you were in there?
You're in love with your old man. You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh! (SCOFFS) And when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.
Roadhouse. That, too. Any word on Carter's condition yet? No, it's been three days, and I'm really starting to get worried. What if he's in a coma for, like, 20 years and he comes out of the coma and you guys are all dead, but I'm still alive and I'm a famous racecar driver,
but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless. There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker, thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life. Oh, my God. You're 40? Yes. I'm 40.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Where are we going?
God, she's a pain in the ass!
This is Carson Daly, And we're live here at spring break. Who wants to party? Me! ok, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Ok, we're gonna need cake and juice for 14 people. All right, now let's go to Tom Green who's gonna do something really outrageous!
(SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) (NECK SNAPPING)
Well, I mean, it's not really for them. It's for, like, if you want a car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude. I mean, you have... (CHUCKLING) You have to do some of the work yourself.
Who is this? PETER: Wheely-wheely stupid head, bet you wish that you were dead. Listen, I don't know who this is, but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know! What, are you gonna report me on your can't-walkie-talkie? I'm gonna hang up now. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! I got three more of these I wrote on a napkin. All right, three more.
Morning, assholes. (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding! So what do we got, pancakes? Cool.
Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams. Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit. For more on the story, we go to our local affiliate, Channel Five Quahog, where Tom Tucker is on the scene. Tom? Thanks, Brian.
So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem.
There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list
(GROWLS) Holy shit!
Really? Because I read Wish It. Want It. Do It. (CHUCKLING SHEEPISHLY) Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your lives. Uh... Yeah, I didn't read it.
Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit?
Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks-- Hey, what are you guys talking about? I was just telling a joke. So, the bartender looks around and says: "What'll you two fine gentlemen have?" And they paid their tab and couldn't have been more courteous.
Never!
I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me. Chris! Oh, my God. No, we weren't talking about you. Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know. MEG: Fuck you! Shut up, Chris! I know that's not true. (SOBBING) Oh, God.
Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down.
Somebody should put him on a roll. Over, we're coming over And we won't come back till it's over, over there Commercial! Damn! Play me some filler, Johnnie. Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.
Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win. Who?
(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!
Ah, Florida stunk.
Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! Ugh! Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports illustrated.
Heh, I get all the channels on this thing. Lifetime. C.B.S. Hey, U.P.N.
Yeah. I got it. Where's the money, huh? I want to see the money. No, no, No. You don't see the money till I see the stuff. Oh, for god's sake, There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. He's wearing a wire! What? You son of A...
(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV) So no one told you life was gonna be this way RED: Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.
'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.
Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. Oh, Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. Get over yourself. I was talking about me. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-suDio.
Brian. Oh, God. Daddy, can I come with you? Ask your mother. No, you can't go with him!
Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.
Giggity.
Come on. Come on. Go away!
But then a few months ago, I turned 40.
Yee...
Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh, Actually, Sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. The pattern is just a coincidence. Oh, well, Now that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.
that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk. That was a minor inconvenience. Yeah, well, that's the idea. Slowed you down. I'll say. Ow. - Didn't see that coming, did you? - No.
Dick.
Like a champ he is. Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes And that's how you make a duck out of an oatmeal container. This is the greatest show in the history of television. Mother Maggie, you are a kindred spirit. This must be how twins who were separated at birth feel when they first meet.
"Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. "You must go to him. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, "truly needs me, I will go to him." Cut! All wrong! No good! Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. My ass. Besides, I'm the director. I-It just doesn't feel real, you know?
You want a Golden Globe, all you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch, and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? Are you with me, America? You with me? So let's all just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things because it's a sale, you know?
grab a bite to eat and watch the big curling match on TV?
(CHATTERING) Oh, my God! Alec Baldwin?
(INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger. (INHALES SHARPLY) Bugger.
Hey, Rock, I'm porking it. (CHUCKLES) That's a good one.
Get out of the fridge, Peter. There is no Peter, only Zuul. I said get out of the fridge. All right, all right.
I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.
They will clean up all your talking In a manner such as this They will make you take a tinkle When you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio A trouser-friendly kiss Is the plain situation There's no negotiation With the fellas at the freakin' FCC
One of these days, Alice, one of these days... I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident.
Peter, thank God. Did you take care of that thing? That thing? Oh, oh. You mean that growth? Yeah. I had the doctor look at that. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. Oh. Well, What about the-- Testicles. Huh.
Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. He sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever.
(PANTING) (CLATTERING)
OLLIE: Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.
And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape,
No, no, no, no, it does not.
"Channing Tatum, something something, bullshit."
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Breaking Bad. MAN: You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know. I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know. Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire. Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen,
It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that!
Oh, hey. How's it going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson. I don't... I don't get that. Is that a reference to something? Uh, okay. I'm, uh... Oh, I'm Stifler's Mom. Still no idea. Okay, just get your pants off, hon.
Shut up, "Greg."
Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! (ALL CHEERING)
You and I are so awfully different Too awfully different to ever be pals Do you want to go first? Yeah, I'll go.
H-h-h-Hi, Barbara.
This is M.T.V. and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, This is V.H.1 and we're rocking at spring break. ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!
Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please? We're off on the road to Rhode Island The home of that old campus swing We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass
It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.
bam, bam, Bam, bam, bam! Uh, Peter, uh, maybe-- Hang on, I'm not done. Bam, Bam, bam! And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah." Bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam, Bam, bam, bam, bam! You want to take it from here, Emeril? Bam! So that's what we're dealing with here. Any thoughts?
Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad!
I sorta think my name is Earl. (UPBEAT COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What was that? I don't know. Apparently, I made some sort of reference. Hey, check it out. Looks like a bar.
I want a golden mustache comb And some spermicidal foam That's all I really want for Christmas this year
Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman. Because I'm... I'm going to die old and alone. Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking. Listen, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you take Quagmire's class on picking up chicks? Quagmire teaches a class? How come I've never heard about this? 'Cause Quagmire forbids us to tell you about his life. As you may recall, he hates you.
You look like some kind of joker to me. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Are you fucking shitting me? Probably some kind of joker. What's your name, soldier? Sir, McArdle, sir! Well, la-dee-fucking-da!
What the fuck are you talking about?
Let's talk turkey. We want to play the Feud. Well, you're in luck. The other family we've chosen has three daughters, so we're picking you because you have three sons. But I'm not... Shut up, "Greg."
Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex Sodomy Come on, everybody.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye I leave and heave A sigh and say good-bye Good-bye
And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're, the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
You know, cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable "i" at the end.
He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster. (DOOR SLAMS) Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband. He's home from work early. (IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby. He had to find out sometime. (FARTS)
Anna! Oh, Baby, baby! I'm a star! Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts!
Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!
"has affected my life in the following ways. "The sister that I knew and loved growing up "no longer exists. "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature.
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--
No, no. No, darling. Asian Dawn. Dawn. D-A-W-N.
Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God! That's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison! Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?
I hear report cards were handed out today. What were your gradeS? uh... Uh... Uh... Quit Stalin and answer your father. Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. Do I Khrushchev? Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?
The BBC!
Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David. No, no, no! Oh, my God, Super Mario? What are you doing here? I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
Great. I want to buy this! And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. - No, thank you. - No charge. I do not want it. But it's free, sir. If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. Don't worry. Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own.
Good morning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.
Did you kill Lois? Of course, I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep. My God, you did it. You actually did it. Oh, God. I've really screwed myself up here.
Sa turda y Night Live. I can't think of anything more exciting. Oh, my God, a water fountain!
(SIGHING) I think I'm okay. (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Somebody! Do I take it out or do I leave it in? Do I take it out or do I leave it in?
They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie. Man, I wonder what he's doing now. (GASPING) Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra. Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back,
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade. That's the Pumpkin Festival. Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? I don't care. Oscar De La Hoya does it. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion.
Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk. That's not who I am. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy.
If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.
baggy full of Cheerios...
There no shirt.
Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this. I want to help you, Peter, I really do, but it's like you're asking a fish not to swim. She's legal and I'm going in. Well, we'll see about that. I ain't afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus. I'm Spartacus.
(IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE) Slow-motion diving at you!
This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite. Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! (QUIVERING) (SCREAMING)
Good morning. Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy, And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. Hey, hey, Hey, hey. Come on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be ok. What's Family Guy?
I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.
Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act. Nice melons. Listen, pal-- Peter, I'm holding melons. Oh. And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters. Sorry. No problem. Your wife's hoT! That's it! Lois, Your singing days are over.
Lois, there's no presents under the tree! What? Oh, my God. Joe, did you get any Christmas presents? No! QUAGMIRE: Me, neither! I got eight mediocre things. Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today, Santa Claus skips Christmas.
Where is Diane, Ollie? She dead! Thanks, Ollie. Yes, Diane is no longer with us. She was shot by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.
The Colonel!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Regular life La, la, la, la, la, la... (SCREAMS) And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer. People are gonna miss me when I'm...
Shut the fuck up.
I'm already bored and confused. Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?
I don't want to take a bath. (GIGGLES) Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands to help me in and out of the tub? Rats!
We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you!
Tonight's the night Let's live it up I got my money Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse. Would you excuse me a second? Okay, I'm back. Here we come, here we go We gotta rock I know that we'll have a ball
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno. (GROWLING)
I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio. ANNOUNCER: Hey, that was Roxette with You've Got the Look. It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there. That's hot! So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Schechevi Desert, turn up the decibels,
Look, there's Brody Jenner. God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You can stop having fun! (IN NORMAL VOICE) But we like fun, don't we, kids? ALL: Yes! (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets! And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle!
Giggity Giggity Giggity Gig-gig-gig-gig!
Oh, boy! Sundaes! I love you, Jesus! I love you, too, fellow. Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter. What is it? (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions? I would check the point first before re-priming it. But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. This is horse shit! And that's the last question.
I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the united European Commonwealth? Why, yes. I dare say, that's the fellow. Oh, Let's get him. Oh, Reginald! I disagree!
What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are. Sure, I do. Um... Chandler, Fonzie, and Remington Steele? You got lucky, Dad.
Yeah, well, you're a cunt. (LAUGHING) Wickedly funny. I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems. Why isn't the time machine working? I'm working on it, Mort, all right? Oh. Here's the problem.
(SCREAMS) (CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta. Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home? It's you? Are we already out of our own characters? What? How's the construction going? Oh, fantabulously.
There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast of Entourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black
Num, num, yum, yum, yuM!
Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week. Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out. That's right, we're on television. I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!
CHRIS: All right, Dad. You're on. Hey, PTV fans, welcome to douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment, "I dare you to crap off of that." Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off. I dared him. All right, here we go.
What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in no mood. Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch and our first group date. ls everyone ready for a little cowboy action? undefinedYeah! " love horses.
What're you... What are you reading? David Copperfield. It looks old. It's a first edition. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box. It's by Charles Dickens. Giggity. What are you doing?
Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons. A stunning development tonight as O.J. Simpson is proven innocent. We have the identity of the real killer. But first...
Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. Fuck you. Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?
Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four. Mambo!
Oh, my God! You kids were doing it in the ear! Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smucker's? PETER: Yeah, it's been on my penis. Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night. Mom, you don't understand.
Hey, So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement.
No! I wasn't asking your permission. No, no. No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord. No! No! (CRYING) No! Oh, I see what you're driving at.
(TIRES SQUEALING) PETER: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.
I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud. Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) And the Griffin Family. On your marks, let's start the Family Feud!
TO quahog, that one-horse town? Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one talking. There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!
It wasn't that great.
But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus.
- A vagina? - Get out.
Hold it right there! You rebel scum. Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me? "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman." I found my bike! (LAUGHS)
- You mean a while? - A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. A while. Brian, you're acting weird. Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.
Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's assbitch. If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her. I'd like those things for us, Chris.
- Highlights! - Okay. Hey, will you sign this form that says I hit on you? Sassy! You've got me sweating above and below my ass. Let's go, lover. Okay, what the fuck?
Besides, Lois is my friend.
Are we there yet? It's crowded back here. Stop touching me. Your leg is rubbing up against mine. Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over. Stop breathing on the window. You idiot, that's condensation. It's on the outside. That's it! I will come back there and, so help me God, I will hit you with my ring hand.
We gather today to remember those brave quahog men who were lost at sea. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean. You won't be hurting anyone anymore.
(YELLING) (GROANS)
Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli. You don't even know who I am.
shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Oh, my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois. I don't know who any of those people are. All right, hang on. Here we go.
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams with the portside window report. Ollie? I saw a fish! Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep. (BOTH SNORING)
Hey, Chris? What's with your leg? Oh My God! That's not your leG!
Have you ever thought about directing? Oh, Just every waking hour! Well, i--I got this movie. I'm not gonna lie. It's a low-budget movie. But the script is solid. My director dropped out. And I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth. Well, I am smart and ambitious! Seriously. No, no. I'm clean.
He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!
You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you!
And right before the big dance. (ALL SCREAMING) Help! It's so sucky and squeezy! I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before. Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.
You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fellow!
"Where's my penis, pilgrims?"
Yeah. Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again. PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. BRIAN: Wait! STEWIE: Wait!
Let us pause to reflect on the sacred mystery of Richie's elder brother, Chuck, who ascended the stairs with his basketball in Season One and never came down again.
Kathy! Kathy! There you are. Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me? Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me! Oh, my God. Look what you made me do.
To the BatcAve! oh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Unless they can sing a charming musical number. Wherever... Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?
James Woods. Oh, I thought he was a shark. No, he was on a show called Shark. But he's made of wood? No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.
Hey, Lois.
Am I right, Gene?
Dinner was 3 hours ago!
Stewie tried to kill me!
The Mr. Sulu Show! (TO STAR TREK THEME MUSIC) Sulu, he star of the show Other guys just along for the ride He's got my shirt in there, I can feel it.
Oh. This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Oh, Yeah? Well, According to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8, of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson. So, as you can see,
Yeah, I see it. QUAGMIRE: All right, press the button right above it. Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport. Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.
And we're just minutes away from Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Both teams a little shorthanded to start these Playoffs. Of course, Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge. Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Smush Parker, assault, Kwame Brown, suspicion of rape,
(SCREECHING) (GRUNTING)
Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? It's peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at? Where ya at?
Look, I understand that you're upset. You made out with my boyfriend! How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart, but I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing that I did. I never meant to steal him from you. Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
If I couldn't catch a 2-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race? Hey, hey! What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did--Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No!
PETER: The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss. RICHARD DREYFUSS: I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance. Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on. DREYFUSS: Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! The messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word! What word? A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
(SIGHS) And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room! (LIQUID SWISHING) Get him! (ALL CLAMORING) (DOG BARKING)
- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm running away. Why? Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone! All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish. Well, I got to eat. And I got to have fun. Peter, you're just acting out. No, I'm not. I'm acting in.
Hey, uh, uh, You two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat. I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Ow.
I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. What the hell was thaT?
Here? No, the davenport, the chesterfield. On this? No. Does that look like a divan to you? Here? Leave them on the chifforobe. You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
(STEWIE PANTING) Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth?
Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.
And I hate myself.
(IN DEEP VOICE) I feel kind of funny.
No T.V. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? Uh, No. Well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on-- Hey, Alfonso. Yeah? Were you on Silver Spoons? Yes, I was. Oh, There you gO.
Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you--
You still got the starting gun? Yeah. Give it to me. Get out of the fucking car! (SCREAMING) Get out of the fucking car right now, man! Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! Oh, my God. I'll do whatever you want! I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! BRIAN: Did we just carjack someone? STEWIE: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
Is he smart, or is he like me? He's perfect.
Get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas.
Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. Probably. I don't wanna. You work for me. Now, drink it. - No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired. (LAUGHING) I can't believe you really did that. That's nasty. You're nasty.
Well, One of us is gonna have to change.
You think I'd miss this party?
- Featuring Robert Pattinson... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Justin Bieber... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Zac Efron... - (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Selena Gomez... - (GIRLS SCREAM) I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names. ...Lombard Montague... (GIRLS SCREAM) - ...Grace McLady... - (GIRLS SCREAM) ...Andy Colorado... (GIRLS SCREAM)
Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas.
Peter, I left your father. What? Wait, wait. Hang on a second. I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion. (MUSIC PLAYING)
If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain. (GROANS) NARRATOR: Oh-oh, back pain. STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain. STEWIE: Or the occasional wrist pain. (GROANS) Oh-oh. One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there.
Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. All will kneel before... (BELL RINGS) What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
Nothing but net.
I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.
All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball. Play's at second. Let's look sharp. Tough D. Tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's to second. This infield is the Great Wall of China. Nothing's getting past us. Good D behind you, Bri. Good D all around. (SPEAKING WITH STEWIE'S VOICE) I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry, I am okay. My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.
Hearts filled with passion Jealousy and hate Woman needs man And man must have his mate
- You're the Kool-Aid guy. - Yeah. What are you doing? Just waiting. For what? I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up.
I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment. Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's assbitch. If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her.
Spanish. Va A la izquierda alla. Yakov Smirnoff. in Soviet Russia, car drives you! That's fancy and all, but I think you're bargaining for more than you can chew.
The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go. When'd you do that? The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.
You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker! Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods. You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it. We're gonna settle this like men. All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here. Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.
(MOANING) I haven't been this... Since I... I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph.
How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises? (CLEARS THROAT) (SUCKING) (EXHALES) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (COUGHS)
"And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox.'"
We've captured the burglars. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Well, that was a close call. You know... Meg should probably get a lawyer. Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Your daughter's a sexual predator.
Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? This guy's kosher. Oops. Let's get him!
They'll know the world is now mine. (SNIFFS) Fark, no way. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best.
Mmm. I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!
(SLAP SOUNDS) (BRENDA SCREAMING) What the hell? Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman. We're watching Leno, you bitch! I'm so sorry! His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities! (SCREAMING)
No, no.
Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
Hey, Fulcher. Griffin? The feeling's mutual.
Joe, that was our last ball. Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out. Won't you, Mr. Moose? Fine. Knock-knock. Ping pong balls!
First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo. Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it. Now, you.
Peter, where'd you get that cow?
Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, getting really tired.
Bruce had heard it from Consuela. Consuela heard it from Mayor West. West heard it from Dr. Hartman. Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason. Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.
ALL: Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Eliza Gonna go to Mississippi Man, listen to what the black guys are doing. We need a white guy work song. Hello How are you? - How's the folks? - What's new?
No, no. Pot is illegal because William Randolph Hearst ran a smear campaign against marijuana in the 1930s to protect his interests in the timber industry, because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper. (FARTING) There's your smear campaign right there, Brian.
A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.
Peter, isn't there something you'd like to say to Mr. Washee-Washee? (GRUMBLES) No... Peter. Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store. It's okay. I accept your bad apology. Good. Now give me back my shirt! Peter! I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!
God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. But Dad! Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore!
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me. Why do I hear an engine?
Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this. (WOMAN SNICKERING) Uh, no snickering and... Hey, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Okay, so if we can all be mature... Give me the gum. We can all get through this a lot faster.
Dad, what are you doing? There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up." like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.
Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News. Perhaps you'd like an autograph. Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here.
I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint. It's kind of a new policy. I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me. It's kind of brand new. Do you have a credit card? I got a Sears card. Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store.
In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons. (CHUCKLES) Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor. Let's watch. (FART)
All right, who'd like to kick us off? I will. Hi, my name is Walt and I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Walt. I used to be out of control. I used to drink from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I'd get in fights and have crazy sex with hookers all night. But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year.
Oh, my God! Peter, you don't look so good. What are you talking about? I feel great. Like I could go another 20 years or more. (SPLASHING)
Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit. For more on the story, we go to our local affiliate, Channel Five Quahog, where Tom Tucker is on the scene. Tom? Thanks, Brian. I saw that you opened my birthday Evite. Now I just need you to go ahead and reply. I'm standing here at the home of the Griffin family,
A filthy, filthy whore!
This is barely even a forest. I can see an Arby's through the trees.
Go away, you.
You make your doo-doos? I said, shut up. There's no doo-doos today.
That's a People magazine. Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name. Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday? Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." Let me see that! Did you forge my name? Oh, Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight!
No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today. The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here.
You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING)
Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man.
Don't move. Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Done stung myself. Bye, world.
Excuse me. No calls! It's about a dying boy. Hello? Well, What's he got? Hmm, Sounds sexy. Get me exclusive rights to his death and you got a deal.
Well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone. That place was nothing but trouble. And I think we learned something.
Shit.
She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment... (SPOUTS GIBBERISH) (SPUTTERING) STEWIE: Great parenting. I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
That's good OJ. (SCREAMING) - Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell?
Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots. Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm... (VOMITING) Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.
Hello, I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin. You're in him. Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service? Yes. I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinnER. I demand to speak to your supervisor. Hold, please. oh, Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth.
Oh, That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance. Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. So, Bill. We attack tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I mean it this time. I do, too!
And that's why we're gonna be handing out these opal rings. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex until you're married. So, what do you say? Who wants to be joyful? Who wants to be pure? Who wants to be abstinent?
And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it's real, real old-style comedy. You know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania. James, I don't want to hear any more about this. And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Mr. Darth Vader... Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor. It's the Emperor. Tell him I no can do Friday. Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah. My apartment need water. No, no. No. He need to get it fixed. (STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you. I'm going to the knee pad. I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
Cleveland? Hey, fellas. Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is!
And they'll make you call fellatio
With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O," so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the "I" with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was. Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.
You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! - Oh, God! Peter, hit me! - Yeah! Wow, so that's, uh, that's something, about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?
State your names. Meg! Chris! And I'm Liesl. Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you.
That must be him. Oh, God! I hope that thIng doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. Hello, Peter. How are you? Fine!
Jump, Forrest, jump! Must be a leap year. Ho-ho!
- Let's read it both together. - Okay. Ready? Okay. BOTH: Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast. How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad. Right on.
She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.
Hey, How old is this T.V.? You can probably get the DuMont Network on this thing.
All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards? Sure. Can I get stamps, too?
Just like Harry Houdini. I don't wanna play bridge with the Petersons tonight. Harry, we agreed weeks ago and we're going. All right, fine. Let me get my coat. Oh, wait a second! Damn it, I am not going by myself. Ah, you bitch.
Oh, God. An angry mob.
Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey. Come on down to Obama-Mart. The price is free, but your ass better vote for me. Ha! Political with a twist. It's funny from the news. What's going on in here? You gotta check this out, it's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse. Up yours, Wilbur. Oh, my God!
So what? I think what's actually alarming is the fact that all this kind of pseudo-spirituality is being peddled to the American people in books that have, really, less substance than an issue of TV Guide. That's a good argument. It's a very good argument. I agree. I agree.
I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace.
and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year! And now, everybody scream like fucking retards for your host, - Wavyhair Doucheston! - (SCREAM)
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!
Come on, Brian. All right, think, think. What do I do? What do I do? All right, could it be as simple as this? Invert time flow.
Fuck off.
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a T.V. movie based on me, starring Valerie "Bertandernie." But, Mr. Griffin-- Ah, Ah! I even got the first piece you're gonna run. Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. Oh No! A car going too fast to stop in time!
RED: The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him. He was a fat drink of water, the kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen. Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight.
AXE Body Spray.
And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. (CHATTERING) Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack. (GROANING) Bitch.
Dear God and Black Jesus! WOMAN: Black Jesus The kingdom of God is inside you, at least it will be in a second. WOMAN: Black Jesus
Spare some change? Sure. You didn't put anything in there. Yes, I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it all in one place, Raggy.
Come on, Lois. A lot of people live in weird places. Like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-Daddy-Husband, my belly hurts again.
Jeez, Meg, you always gotta ruin my good time, just like basic cable. MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls... Yeah! ...on TBS.
Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed like Bill Clinton. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, dressed like. All right, let's go make some Whitewater.
Hey, I think you forgot my shirt. There no shirt. No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again? No need check. I no have your shirt. Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt. I no have your shirt. You yes have my shirt! You get out my store! You get me shirt! - You go or I call police! - You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big...
Sure. I've steered our family through bigger problems. Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show. Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had. Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog? Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog. So long, Puss. We'll miss you.
Where's Stewie? Hmm... Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall! Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard. Why not? Herbert did it. Y-M-C-A It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A (SIGHS)
It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world I say, fat man. Get me out of here.
Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. Hello, neighbor. ohhh! But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this.
Oh, fuck! The cock-sucking ground. (GROANS) Damn it. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris. MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt. Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas. (HORN HONKING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer, comes a funky flick so bad you gonna say, "Damn, that's funky."
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, JesuS! 7 maids a-milking 6 maids a-milking 5 maids a--
Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon. You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae. So, get in the house. Okay, okay.
And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little fag.
Kill Brian for me.
I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch. This is nonsense. You can't force abstinence on kids. Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do? Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk. (GASPS) Mom!
(SPEAKING ELVISH)
(IMITATES DRUM ROLL) Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps. Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.
My tulips! You dick.
Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! Oh, well Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one!
Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? (CRYING) Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.
Yes! Finally someone gets it! (CRASHING) TEACHER: Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked!
Okay, what the fuck? I know, I know. Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us.
I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's Syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else! I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!
(SOBBING) (LOIS SOBBING) (PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.
Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. (LAUGHING) Gosh! Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go. (SCREAMING)
I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole,
Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite. He's insecure. And a blowhard. And he's got a tiny penis! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine? This is great. We should do this every Saturday. No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday! What's wrong? We're just being honest. Oh. Oh, you want honest?
Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house! Aw, There's gotta be an explanation for all this! You want an explanation? God is pissed! Aah! Let's get out of here!
Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. Try to enjoy it. "Riding on a bus "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat "Hope that isn't pee" Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself? There it is. (IMITATING CAN SPRAYING) Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like there's any wall here. (CLICKS)
(SCREAMING) (THUDDING) Fuck! Fuck! God damn it, fucking, cock-sucking, cock, fuck! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter. Are you okay?
like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.
Ifl didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday. There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There 's a hole, there 's a hole there 's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "oh, no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up. Thank you.
Get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen!
I should be sitting in the front goddamn room!
Love it. Hate it. Love it. Hate it. Brian, this feels weird. Hit the button!
I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act. It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die. I stabbed her, and she screamed. I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.
I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.
STEWIE: And chronic neck pain. Uh-oh. Neck pain.
The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey. How am I doing today, Gary Busey? You're doing great! Good! Then I'll keep it up!
(SCREAMS) You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull.
We can't take any more shtick. Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy? Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat. Oh, thank God! Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah. You are pretty fat. Um, okay. This is news to me.
It's perfect! Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with this place. Hello, everybody! ALL: Jew! (SCREAMING) (PUNCHING) Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is a Disney universe.
What? This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe. I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous. Ha! I feel like a testicle on steroids. Honey, I shrunk my nuts. Ha! Ah! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate. I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans. A lot of the material is repeated.
Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) Now sing. I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. It's a tiny, tiny world It's a tiny, tiny world
Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock?
Do you really think I would help you out in any way after everything you've done to me? What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year. You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast! MEG: Ah!
Happy birthday, sweetheart. Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake?
ow. What--What the hell? What the hell?
Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog. How dare you? How dare you? How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Out! You're not going anywhere without your leash! I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Don't worry. He won't get far without this.
He knows the way I like my clothes, and he's very skilled.
We're gonna be a Nielsen family? That's awesome. (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS) I think, uh... I think that's the wrong music. (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) There you go.
You want to smoke some crack? You want to smoke some crack? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) - I love you. I love you. Get the fucking crack!
You got that? (CRYING) Yes. Go ahead, Charlie. (CHEERING) And you know what else? I did some checking around. You're not a licensed therapist. Road House.
What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease. Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. Thicker!
I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. It's September, Jonathan. Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... (CAR HORN HONKING) Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... There's a lot of... It's a big order. What time do they stop serving breakfast? It's 3:00. Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Son of a fuck!
Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? (GIGGLING) Oh, my God. Stewie, that is so funny!
Well, let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing. I think Zack and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants.
Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of town hall with a high-powered rifle! The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns some real-world experience. Hey, That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper!
So, how's that leg doing? Great! Great! Never better! Good. Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure. Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down. (SCREAMING) How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh?
Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." You got it. Well, you were close, Dad. Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."
So, you know, can you forgive me? Oh, I suppose so. I mean, Magellan forgave the land ho prankster. Land ho! Where? Where? Psych! Made you look, loser.
Hey, Brian, check it out. BRIAN: Peter, you painted over the back window. Isn't that dangerous? I'm a redneck, Brian. We like people driving behind us to know what our beliefs are. (TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Peter, what the hell! My car.
Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina.
(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING) (ANNOUNCER READING)
No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.
Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little? (LAUGHING) Yeah. And what does a chicken say? "Moo." (LAUGHS) Why not? Come on, Ma. Hey, what gives with the suitcase? Tom, there's no easy way to say this. I'll just come right out with it. I'm leaving. What? Leaving? Why?
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Canadian Horror Story. Hey, hon, we're out of Molson. Oh, not to worry. We've got some Labatt's in the garage. And could you get one for the ghost? Boo, eh? Hey, Chris, could we talk to you? If you're gonna insult me again, just go away.
This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. I'm not lying. (FARTS)
Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God! Something's terribly wrong. Whose stinky brat is this? What? That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the strum of a lute. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
Geez, that was a close one! Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt. (TIRES SCREECHING) Goldman's Pharmacy! Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.
You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in. You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.
(IMITATING PORN MUSIC) Peter, what the hell? I am so sorry about this. Look, dinner's just about ready. Why don't I get you seated in the dining room and then we'll pour the wine?
I wish everyone was Robin Williams!
West Side Story, Anything Goes ALL: West Side Story, Anything Goes Two of my favorite Broadway shows Two of my favorite Broadway shows Miss Saigon and Cabaret Miss Saigon and Cabaret Overrated, I should say Overrated, I should say One, two, three, four.
You cannot tell them about this, please. Peter is not very discreet with private matters. PETER: Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! JOE: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning. CLEVELAND: What the hell's going on out there? GLENN: Damn it! People are trying to sleep. PETER: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman.
Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs.
I no have your shirt! You yes have my shirt!
(LAUGHING) That's something. All right, so what do you say? You want to go see the Emperor?
Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to you!
Are you kiddin', Lois? They're Portuguese. Work is their cocaine. Besides, look at them in their tuxedos. They look like little people.
Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. (LAUGHS) Okay. Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that fucking face! (GAGGING) PETER: Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the Dwarfs named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed? Or am I just making that up?
We made it! I don't believe it! We climbed Mount Everest!
Sorry, folks. Oh, my God. Is that what my voice sounds like? It's all whiney and nasally. You know what? I'm just gonna get my own food.
It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!
So, what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? Oh, ha-ha. Time for bed, Stewie. (HEAD BANGING) So, really, everybody, what'd you think? You want to know what I think? Well, yeah.
Stewie!
"I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Go to your room.
Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Oh, poor Cleveland. It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.
I love Wings.
Admiral, we've got enemy ships in sector 47. It's a trap! It's a trap! Also, whose cat? (CAT MEOWS) (SIGHS) Someone get your cat.
I'm not so sure about that. Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer. My God, it's extraordinary. They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.
Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? undefinedThat wasn't a line. You just farted. As there anymore pot?
My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First We nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll!
Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact? Well, you could say that. There was a missile and something definitely got packed. (BOTH LAUGHING) Did you discuss ICBMs? Well, I did see a BM. So, would you consider this a successful summit?
Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here. What should we name him? I kind of like Brian's name. Stewie. That's a wonderful name, Brian. Stewie. Hi, Stewie. You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it. You saved my life.
(GUNSHOT) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me. (GUNSHOT) Hey, Joe! JOE: Hey, Mort!
I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. Is it a fast ship? Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time? (STUTTERING) Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian? No, but, actually, you know what? I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? Hispanic from Spain? No. (ALL GROANING) So, it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die? All right, I got another one.
(SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot.
Boy, that lotion sure feels good. Sure is hot! And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you.
(EXCLAIMS) That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. (BOTH EXCLAIMING) It's like a walrus flossing. I know it's different than you're used to.
For all we know he could be killing someone else right now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah!
(STUTTERS) Return what you have stolen from me. (SCREAMS) No!
You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
Oh, crap, he's in love again. I know, I know. But this time it's for real. You know, I really feel like Denise is the girl I've waited my whole life for. Oh, please, you've only known her a week. Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole life for. Well, Jillian was. But I'll never get her back. But Denise... I really think there's something special there.
Hey, little guy. You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa. Stewie, this is your new home. Brian, help! It's up to you. You've got to restore the flow of time. My life depends on it! What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine.
Shut up, Joe. Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink. What are you having? How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now, I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom.
Uh... Hi, Loretta. Brian! Stubby! What are you doing here? Well, to be honest, Loretta, Cleveland sent us. He really wants you back. What? Yeah, he says he misses that perfect figure.
You're a poop-nose. (SCREAMING) (GROANING)
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: Round One.
Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you! I... I no can read these words.
Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.
Worse than when I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.
Morgan Freeman.
(GROANS) Damn it, Vegas!
(GIGGLING)
Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
and she died from a rotten vagina. Fin. Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Oh, my God, that was an abomination.
Here's a cutaway. Matthew McConaughey is terrible. Good Lord! What's happened to us?
And meanwhile, you're spending half our money down at the General Store, and the other half at the Specific Store. Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds? Marcona almonds. From what region? The Basque region. The Basque region's pretty big. North? South? Southern Basque. How much should each almond weigh? Point eight ounces? - Sorry, we only have point sixes. - Aw.
BOTH: April fools!
"Whore"?
What the fuck was that?
PETER: Of course, back then,
Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean. Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean or Jimmy Dean. Too old, too dead, and too fattening. You don't have to tell that to my thighs. Can you ask your thighs if they borrowed my Gap capris? They did not and are insulted that you've asked such a thing. As insulted as Kitty Kelley when people accuse her of taking liberties with her best-selling tell-alls. Almost. Wanna make out? Absolutely not. - Oh, you're so lying. - I so am.
feet
Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing?
What's your name? Uh, m-My namE? Uh, uh... Uh, uh... "Pea" uh, uh, uh... "tear" uh, uh... "Griffin." Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin. Oh, craP.
Oh, look at that. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious. Somebody order a pizza?
It's like I've become a different person, and so has he. Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out, spaced out Losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing Just take it off
God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! What the hell are you talking about? Turn right at fork in road. in Soviet Russia, road forks you! Boy, is that getting old.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Lois, this is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me.
This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind... (BARKING) What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this?
"Mananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball. "Mananananana--" Hang on. oh, Thank God. "Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis." Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay.
I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.
Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan. That's Rich Little. You're Rich Little! He must be on his own ham radio. LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days. So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head. Well, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock.
You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Oh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (BOTH SNARLING) (CAT HISSING) MAN: Hey, shut up! (PETER AND CAT HISSING)
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You're a happy guy when you plant the seed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed!
I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00. if you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00. I can't believe this! I feel sick.
Hey, can he say the word "ask"?
Good-bye, kids. Good-bye, Pearl.
Meg. Meg. (RAZZING) Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! (RAZZING) Meg.
That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge. That's not a Star Trek question. I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin.
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying! (SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming? Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg. No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!
Holy crap! We're rich! Rich? I'll tell you what's rich. The amusing folksy monologues of young Will Rogers. But me, I like the visual slapstick gag. Like this comically oversized powder puff. Makeup. Now, that's rich. Play me off, Johnny.
Well Now I'm getting us off T.V. I quit!
(HUMMING) I don't wanna wait For my lunch to get colder Why can't I eat it now? I don't want to wait
Is that that now, Mrs. That's that? If you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. (PETER SCREAMS) Now, are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? Yes! You like eating red carpet, tough guy? Yes! Say you like eating red carpet! PETER: I like eating red carpet. Giggity.
Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! Starting right... Well. not now. But soon!
And the French guy says, "Deodorant? What's that?" All right. All right. I've got one. I've got one, um, Ok, 2 men are standing at the Pearly Gates. Oh, God, wait! How did that one go? oh, well, Anyway, it turns out they're Siegfried and Roy. I'm no good at telling jokes.
MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Shut up, 2476.
Oh, shut up. It's not draining the battery. (SINGING ALONG) I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee. I should be on Glee!
(HUMMING HAVA NAGILA) Stop it, Peter. (CONTINUES HUMMING) Peter, knock it off!
Mom, you're alive! Oh, my gosh. Mom! Lois, my God, what happened? We thought you were dead. Mom, we thought Dad killed you. No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to. Do you remember who it was? Yes, I do. It was Stewie.
In local news, a Buddy Cianci Junior High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy. We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast. Ollie? He gonna get it! Thanks, Ollie. Now this. So you actually put coke in that kid's locker?
But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the...
Peter, what is this show?
Yes, but she was unconscious! We don't know how long she was unconscious. She could've come to and killed Muriel! This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer! Yeah, besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy! Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign. (ALL CLAMORING) PETER: He did, too! I saw the picture! STEWIE: Don't touch me.
- Hello? - Hi, Mom. - Chris, are you all right? - Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay! - Hi, Dad. - Hey, this has been driving me crazy. - Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimbalist? - No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this? - Thank you. - Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time.
The fuck's going on down there?
Whoa! That sounds awesome. No, it's lame. Everything's lame. Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in. I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts. Wow! Oh, my God!
Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (ROARING) Aquaman. And Meg.
Uh, Sit. Good. Uh, Roll over. Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here. Let's call it a night. Do you want to win this thing or not? We haven't even talked about how you'll wear your ears. I was thinking up. I need a cocktail. Don't push too hard, Peter.
Well, Your Honor, in that case, I'll have to call my surprise witness, Mr. Sockerby. Mr. Sockerby, before we begin, have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes, but that bitch had it coming. Okay. Your Honor, I'm afraid I have to withdraw this witness, and I am going to those things you said I have to go to.
That's it. My sentence is over. Your sentence is what, Brian? Over. My sentence is... Wait a minute. I have to say "over," even if the sentence ends with the word "over&